About a year ago, I wrote a series of posts about my experience with the fantasies of a better life that often prompt depressed men to leave their families. You can find the first of those stories here, here and here. Those brief pieces tell only a small part of a long and troubling story. To stay in recovery I have to know more, and so I’m starting a new series of posts specifically about why men want to leave, how we change, where we want to go.
Of course, this story is not mine alone. I’ve been there with many other men, and we’ve all been cold company. Whether depressed men leave by walking out or by emotional withdrawal or aggressive rage and abuse, they go through a baffling transformation and provoke the most devastating crisis for those who love them most. My own experience has been bad enough, but I read the same story and worse online each day. The pain, confusion and desperation are always fresh, even though repeated hundreds of times in forum after forum.
– He won’t look at me anymore. – Whatever I do is wrong. – I can’t understand the anger when he comes home after work – and I haven’t done a single thing. – If I ask him what’s wrong, he goes into a rage. – He gets so abusive and blames me for everything he doesn’t like. – His rages scare me to death. – I don’t know who this man is anymore. – I can’t do anything right. – This is not the life I thought I was getting into. – I feel so small around him. – What have I done to make him so angry? – It’s all driving me crazy. – I can’t take much more of this. – What can I say? – What can I do? – Please help!
It’s one thing for me to blame depression for causing behavior that inflicts such pain. It’s another to get clear about exactly what I did in order to recognize it early and stop myself from repeating the same thing over and over again. To stay in recovery, I can’t focus only on what’s going on in my head but need to be able to face squarely the effects on those closest to me. Seeing what the reality has been for my wife and children in those dark periods makes it so much more urgent that I get to the bottom of what I have done.
Only in that way can I break the forces of mind and feeling underlying my hurtful words and actions. What was I thinking and feeling when I was isolating myself from my family emotionally, if not actually leaving? Why didn’t I see sooner what I was doing? When I did see part of it, why couldn’t I stop? What was changing deep down? I have to be able to answer these questions and a lot more so that I’ll be quick to recognize the problem if it begins again. If I do see it, I’ll have to know what to start doing to turn that mindset and behavior around. Recovery depends on alertness and action every day.
Here’s a quick overview of what I want to explore in this series. This is the way I’m seeing it through my analytical brain. I’m sure as I tell the stories each evokes, I’ll change and refine the picture I’m looking at now. It’s almost a model of how this state develops, and that means to me it’s far too neat. I’m separating each element from the real experience, but it is never so simple as this line-up might make it seem.
- Control and Denial. Whatever the internal crisis may have been, I had to keep it under a tight lid, hide it from everyone, including myself. Denial is a common word. What isn’t always clear is how much energy it takes both to keep inner turmoil under control and to keep it from getting too close to awareness. That took so much out of me, I was always tense and run down with the effort.
- Refusal. If there was nothing wrong with me, there was no need to talk about it. Every time my wife would try to engage me about what I was feeling, I refused to talk about it. I was genuinely angry at the suggestion that I had a problem. This behavior is frequently described, but what many miss is the sense of power men can get from holding back words. There is a perverse satisfaction in keeping others guessing, and the silence also prevents me from knowing more than I want to know. Strong and silent are paired for good reason.
- Isolation. Isolating from others doesn’t mean physical separation so much as creating distance while you’re with family, friends, everyone who’s close. I could do this by being angry or abusive, or by an emotional and mental disappearance in plain sight. On any given day, I could shift from one unmindful strategy to the other.
- Blame. Naturally, if there’s nothing wrong with me, the explanation for that hurt and turmoil buried within has its cause in someone or something else – family, job, city – probably the combination of it all. The feeling builds that the life I’m living is a trap that’s ruining my chances for happiness.
- The Cure. Since the problem comes from outside, I can also find the cure for it there. Everything will be better there, everything is hopeless here. So the yearning to leave and the fantasies that go with it get stronger all the time. Whether they’re acted on or not, the damage to others is already done.
This is what occurs to me now. How does it sound to you? What’s your experience like?
Image Credit: Some Rights Reserved by lepiaf.geo at Flickr
Kevin says
For me it was a woman who left but circumstances the same as below. Kept all her feelings suppressed and I couldn’t understand the mood swings until it was too late. At first said she needed “me time” but was dating others within a couple months (if not less) and became very hostile. Walked past me in a chance encounter like I was a ghost and couldn’t look me in the eye when I did speak to her. She had made plans to move: new town, new flat, new job and a new guy. This all happened a few months after my father passed and broke me. Haven’t spoken in a year now. There were seasonal elements to her issues and so Id expect the bubble may burst quite soon. Hard to watch the most loving and beautiful person in your life self-destruct. I’ve healed myself now and a much stronger person after absorbing all the pain. Don’t take it personally and focus on yourself 100%.
Sally says
My husband suffers from depression and on several occasions over the last few years he has left. He has just walked out again, just as we were starting a new and, what should have been, exciting phase of our lives together. I am devasatated and he behaves as though it is perfectly normal; he really seems surprised by how emotional I am about it. I love him more than anything and our marriage means everything to me. He is getting treatment now for his depression, which he finally acknowledged he needed to do. He is also a regular attendee to AA as he is a recovering alcoholic, although he has not drunk alcohol for 14 years now. Finding this website online has been the first thing I have read that has made any sense to me. Up until now I have simply not been able to understand why he felt the need to leave and that lack of understanding has made my feelings even more desperate. I have just purchased and downloaded your book and, whilst I know this won’t necessarily change anything, it gives me hope and understanding, which can only help. Thank you.
Anna says
Hi Sally, if you don’t mind me asking- did your husband return on his own or did you need to get involved to get him back? My boyfriend recently ended our relationship due to depression, for the time being I’m leaving him alone to do his counselling but I would like to get him back when he feels better.
Thanks
Sally says
I’m sorry for what you are going through, as I know it is a really hard time.
My husband and I are still separated, as in we are living in different places but we are very slowly making progress by undertaking relationship counselling, with both of us being open minded as to what the outcome will be.
I still hope very much that we can get our relationship back on track but have come to realise it will be a long term thing if we do. In some ways it may seem that we haven’t made much progress but, compared to where we were a few months ago, we have. My husband was previously adamant the relationship was over and there was no going back. Now he is willing taking part in the relationship counselling and says that he is very open to what the outcome will be.
As my husband isn’t back living with me, I know I can’t fully answer your question. However, to make the progress that we have I think my involvement helped. I tried to give my husband the space and time to get help for his depression but, at the same time, tried to be supportive. I didn’t bombard him with contact but made a point of texting or e-mailing him every few days, just to check he was okay and also to let him know that I loved him and was here for him if he needed anything. I was the one though who initiated the relationship counselling as, although his depression has been the cause of many of our marital problems, I came to realise that we needed to take a look at our relationship as well, rather than just blaming his depression for everything.
Sorry, I have probably gone on rather a lot. In brief, I suppose I think the best approach is a combination of giving him space to sort out some issues but making clear that I have still been here for him and still love him. Then, at the right time, progressing things such as the relationship counselling. I have also come to realise that, to get over something like this, it will be a long term thing and I made the decision to stick with it and put all I can into trying to make a better relationship with my husband. I only hope it works but, if it doesn’t, at least I will know I have given it my all.
I hope this helps you, if you want to ask me anything else please do so and I really hope things work out for you.
Best wishes,
Sally
Anna says
Thank you, that was very helpful. I was thinking of making contact with a very short email in January. My ex bf said he doesn’t even understand why he ended the relationship, I hope with his counselling he can see us a positive thing again.
Sally says
You seem to be in a very similar situation to mine and I know, from my point of view, that not being able to understand why something has happened makes it so difficult. When your partner is even saying he doesn’t really understand, then it just adds to the confusion.
I wish you well.
Etienne says
When nothing you do succeeds, when even the most basic things everyone takes for granted you have to fight for, when what others find hard you find boringly easy, when you have no friends and don’t want any, when the people who could help you need you to keep your act together because they seriously need your help, when you have tried committing to something that makes you feel worse since you feel even more trapped, when your health is going down the drain because you overeat to punish yourself, when every day you wake up sad and angry that you have to go to work where others enjoy themselves, when you sleep badly every night, when you know you had great potential but squandered it completely, when you know you’re too old to find another job, not even after five years and hundreds of job applications and none going to interview… That is the day of a depressed man who yes feels like leaving but fear stops him every time.
Rachel says
I have been with my husband for 16 years, married for 13 and we had our usual ups and downs but for the most he was a loving husband and fantastic father to our two girls – 11 and 6.
He has been suffering from depression for six months and has had it a few times in the past but always seemed to beat it with medication. Now it’s much worse.
He has had trouble in his worklife and left a job as a prison officer due to the stress of it all. He had a few
Jobs but nothing great, and we took a large drop in our income. Life was harder but I thought we could get through anything.
The depression and anxiety came back with a vengence but it’s always the same pattern. He won’t open up, gets angry and irritable. He can’t even stay in the house anymore! He runs away and sleeps in his car and says that I make him feel worse and he can’t bear to be in the house. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. Has anyone else experienced this? Why do they pull away and blame you so much? His leaving hurts and the fact that he can’t sleep in our house is too much to cope with, almost like he blames our life and the reminder of it.
I’m sure this isn’t the case, but medication isn’t working and I don’t know how long therapy is going to take.
Thanks for listening xx
ANGEE says
I don’t know when this post was written but it has helped me so much. You explained my guy to a T. He is the king of excuses blaming myself and kids for his unhappiness, slept in his truck, garage ect. He is a good man otherwise I wouldn’t gave stayed 13 years, he helped me raise my kids which are not his biological. He recently left me for snother gurl (we were living seperatly) but he spent4 hours holding me telling me how much he didnt want to go and what an angel I am to him (found out after about the other girl) This post made me realize it is depression, not me or the kids. I pray you find strength because I tried so hard to help my guy. Looking back I wish I would have gotten him out of the house more, made plans and just said your coming with me. Don’t know that he would of or that he wouldn’t revert to jerk mode once at our destination. Everything we had is over now. He balled and held his hands in his head and said,”I’m making the stupidest decision of my life, I know it” but he left anyways. Such a waste, but only he can walk his path and there is nothing more I could do. He was too tough for counseling. I used to think the pain all belonged to me, but I know he is in pain too. Wish him the best. Praying for you!
Mary says
Sounds like you are describing my husband as well. Just started to let my guard down and trust that things were going to be ok and then depression hit again. I am now the anti christ in his head and he appears to be getting ready to bolt again. Heartbroken I am left to carry on with our children alone trying not to let them see my pain.
Angela says
I could have written this. It’s helpful to see I am. Not alone
carly says
my husband was diagnosed with depression four months ago and at first he seemed to accept there was something wrong. he started taking antidepressants three months ago but since starting them had seemed to get worse became more distant, refused to talk about what was going on, shuting me out about how he was feeling but still carried on living a normal- ish home life ( eating, socializing, going on holiday all together) he has since decided to stop taking his tablets because he believes he is not depressed and they just made him feel numb and has decided he doesn’t love me anymore and has left. i’m not sure what to believe, we have been together for nearly twenty years, married for seventeen have two beautiful children together.( he turned forty earlier this year which he seemed to hate, which is out of character for him ) i have tried to do my best for him, i have supported him all the way though , included him in all my family get to gathers , have tried to explain to our children why there dad could be behaving the way he was ( one is 17 the other is 14) am afraid now that he is in denial and it is easier to put the blame on being me. he still behaves like he has been doing nothing wrong theses last few months and treats me like i have done something . i feel like this has torn my marriage apart and am worried he is going to destroy his relationship he has with his children, he is unable to explain to them why he has behaved in the way he has if it is not down to having depression, unable to see the damage he has caused, they now don’t want to speak or see him. unsure what to do next
Connie says
Thank you, I’m currently going through this. We have a 4 year old and I’m 16 weeks pregnant. He says he will stay until the baby comes. Does he gave any idea what he us doing to us!? I can’t sleep, my appetite is so so. I hurt so much and I don’t know what to do. He won’t talk to anyone or give me the time of day. He thinks he will have a chance at being happy without us. This all seemed to happen over night. I thought everything was fine, then he came home late for an entire week. He spent my entire paycheck on his entertainment. He is getting ready to deploy and will be gone for 8 months. The military allows him to come home for 10 days once the baby is born. He won’t even spend time with me before he leaves. My heart is shattered. What am I suppose to do 6000 miles from home with a new born and preschooler and a man who dosent want me in his life because I make him unhappy.
Tam says
What a heartbreaking situation. Very similar situation.. not sure what to do. It hurts incredibly. It seemed to happen overnight and now it’s anger.. emotional abuse and neglecting our daughter. He is leaving at the end of January and I have no choice but to let him go.
Cathy says
We were together 2 years. As friends and as a long distance couple. He has depression and anxiety, and told me he thinks he also has mpd. Two weeks ago he quit his job. Later that week he asked hus ex wife if he could see his kids, she said no. So he cut off contact with me. I reached out after a few days and reminded him I’m here for for him and that it’ll get better. He asked me to stop contacting him, as he can’t handle it and it’s upsetting. Loving someone with mental health issues is so hard! I don’t want to give up on him, as a friend, but I don’t know if there’s any way he’ll hear me anymore!
Amy says
I met my husband six years ago, he was going through a terrible seperation and custody battle and was very depressed, not long after dating four months i fell pregnant which made things so much harder. We managed for a good while even though i have had depression since my teenage years, his ex made our life quite difficult at times and his eldest son stopped comming to see him. I have always had trust issues with men as i have been cheated on in the past. And never really felt good enough. We only married last year in November and were discussing having another baby in January, but one night in February he said he doesn’t want anymore kids i was shocked and hurt as one minute he wants another baby then not. We broke up that night and i wanted to die, he told me that my depression makes him sad and he can’t do this anymore, three weeks later i move out and we are still sleeping together occasionally then my five year old son tells me daddy had a girl over last night, i drive out to his house and she is there and he denies sleeping with her until I find her underwear in the bedroom. I take his phone and find messages that they are in love and have photos of them together, he kept saying he loves me but dosent want a relationship with me anymore. I am so lost and hurt as I love him even though he is so horrible to me now. I am 29 years old and have wasted my youth for nothing, how can i move past this hurt i can’t stop thinking about it, it is hard to sleep and no one seems to understand.
Mary says
You have many more years ahead of you. This happened to me at 48. Love your child and consider your ex as someone else’s problem.
Molly says
My husband left me recently after 13 years, and our four year old son. But he has been going to counselling and on medication for over two years and he didn’t get better. Is this common?
We were fighting so much because he refused to spend time with me or our son, either individually or as a family. He wouldn’t eat meals with us. Left me to do all the parenting and 98% of the housework. He became very religious and would spend time helping people of his faith but neglected his family.
I have let him go and am trying to move on. But I still miss the person he was. I don’t know if he.ever loved me at all or if depression took it away. I suppose in the end it hardly matters. He shut me out.
Alison says
Reading this was so satisfying. I am the wife of a man I believe is going through exactly what you’re describing. We’ve been married for 13 years but have been together for 20, have 2 young children and seem to be living the life we always dreamed of/talked about when we were “kids.” One year ago this weekend, we were at a friend’s birthday party laughing and taking pictures…I have the pictures to prove it. but since this Christmas…for about 6 months…he been talking divorce. And he can’t cite any reason for his desire to leave me except that, we have nothing in common” in spite of the fact that we have literally everything in common. Sure, we can’t do as many of the wild and fun things as we used to do since having kids, but our lives are totally intertwined but everything seems to make him mad–stupid things– and he plays video games all the time or goes to play music all alone at his studio. What can I do to help him see he needs help? This is the advise I need! Should I just be patient? He has a history of depression and anxiety but as you say he’s being “strong and silent” and in total denial this time. It’s just awful. My heart is broken. Every time I do something nice for him he becomes stand-off-ish and reminds me we’re not going to be together forever.
Wayne says
Alison,
Sorry you are going through this with your husband, but don’t give up! Tell and show him how much you love him, and go and do the things you have in common. Maybe a private vacation away from the kids would help. If you suspect he is depressed, encourage him to get counseling. Talk privately to his psychiatrist yourself to find out the ways you can help him. Many marriages rebound from this sort of thing. Hopefully yours can also! Good luck!
Bert says
I’m 58 Years Old Male! Because Life Gets Me Down, I Sit And Write Up Stories To Make Me Feel Better! Reaching Out And Saving A Life And It Seems To Work, But The I Have To Return To This World And Be Lonely Again!
Bert says
I’m A Helpful person Who Is ( Old School) ..I Don’t Do Drugs, Bars, but Have No True Friend! I’m Nobody! Dean Martin Song : You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You! You’re Nobody Till Somebody Cares!
Gabrielle says
I’ll be your friend!
Paula says
I came home from work last September and found my husband trying to commit suicide. Finally after getting him to quit trying we talked, we cried, I held him till he fell asleep and then I watched him sleep till I cried myself to sleep. He acted like nothing ever happened afterwards and wouldn’t go to counseling. In March his mother passed away and he refused to talk to me about it. Then out of the blue last weekend he texted me after I got out of work and said he was leaving and never coming back. We have been together for 18 years and we have 5 grown children. He refuses to talk to me and the kids and I’m worried I’m gonna lose him for good. I can’t help but feel he is mad at me for stopping him that night and in his text he said he had thought about this since that night. He mentioned people are all dying around him that night and that he didn’t want his family to have to go through the pain ( a friend and coworker went to a regular physical and was called on his way to work by the doctor to go to the er cause he was in liver failure). It’s almost like he is pushing us all away so if eventually or when he dies we won’t be as hurt but he’s wrong this is worse than him dying. Knowing he’s alive but not speaking to you.
Ashley says
I’m so sorry you’re going through that! Honestly, sometimes reading through these blogs makes me feel better – but we all have our own struggles I guess. I hope you are trusting God to carry you and your kids through this – remembering in all things he is more than a conqueror! I keep listening to a song called ‘Soveriegn over Us’ that’s carrying me through.
My husband has not worked since 1/2016; my dad died 3/2016 and his mom died 4/2016. He held on til about August of last year when I got a part-time job to help tide us through so our savings/retirement would last a little longer, but now I’m not sure. He left his first wife in a similar scenario 20 years ago, then declared bankruptcy and shortly after met and married me. The story I got was that she was controlling and the bankruptcy came out of trying to support her the best he could, but the reality is, he was just selfish – as he is now, when he basically has ‘quit adulting’ – acting like a 17 year old who has no sense.
So today I’m struggling a little. I know he took out his IRA money and has been going through it like water. I need it to hold out a few months more til I can sell the house and we start getting his military retirement. I recognize there is nothing I can do to change his attitude or actions, but I would like to sit down and see if he will give me some of the money in my account so I know it will be there. Just wish he wanted to sit down with me. Praying for you Paula – and for him to see your love, and his kids, and not to hurt himself.
Alison says
I am also so sorry you are going through this…and your heart is probably broken. These men are addicted to their depression…it’s like their having an affair with their emotions and the fallout is the seismic deterioration of the marriage. I am sending you positive energy…short of the suicide attempt, I can relate to your pain.
Christina says
I stumbled across this website last June. I reread the same articles as it brings me sanity. Often times being with someone suffering anxiety/depression begins to rub off on you. As I have my own struggles with both I would never in a million years treat someone I love with such disrespect. Have I in the way past? YES. Do my feeling change often? YES. But I know it’s me and I ride the wave out. My boyfriend lost his 6 figure job and moved in with my boys and I. Did I truly want that? NO. But i loved him and I’m very supportive. There are always red flags whether we want to admit them or not. Insomnia, physical ailments, near complete self absorption about his needs, ED, curling up in ball, anger outbursts, social withdrawal, panic attacks. I thought it was my fault. I thought love was enough to heal. You try every way, passive approach…direct approach…no approach…no win:(:(. I feel like I’m watching the love of my life drowning in front of me. I was willing to jump in the waters to pull us both out. But I wasn’t that strong. I’m not perfect but always willing. He left one day while at work. Empty family room…empty bedroom. I then spiraled in my own depression. I started therapy and meds. 6 months later we talked everyday hours at a time. Him promising he has changed I reluctant and afraid. I meet him halfway for a quick trip…it was wonderful. But as the days went by I saw the beast coming to the surface. Was it me? I would go to other room to give space. He called crying when we left..telling me how much he loves me. Within a week he said we needed to be friends keep it light could not commit to making any plans to see each other. I got scared and said I’m feeling a bit insecure as I feel led on. I want to work as a team. Compromise. He said no he needs to think. Its been a month and a half. I don’t text or call. I can’t feel anymore rejection. I’m crushed. Having hope is double edged sword.it stops you from moving forward. But giving up is throwing in the towel. So hard. Especially when these men have such amazing, loving, intelligent., romantic, funny sides. We are holding to one side. He feels so much guilt, he won’t even text my 12 and 15 year sons back. Not even a text saying sorry I had to go I’m just a text away. He says yes too emotionally weak. Is this a lie or are they truly mentally ill? I have my own mental issues but I’m still rational and thoughtful. Are we giving too many excuses? You won’t see change till we give them a reason…LEAVE. If they don’t come back then we know we tried and that we loved them. Enabling is setting ourselves up for poor treatment. If you love someone enough let them go.
Morwenna says
I feel so relieved that there are others experiencing the same. My partner of four years suffers from depression. We have a son who is now 3 years old, this weekend he walked out on us. I am absolutely devastated, we have supported him for almost two years. This man who I would do anything in the world for has displayed every single thing in this article has finally managed to push his family away. I just want to know it will get better and how could he just walk out while his son slept on with out a clue? I know he is ill but how can we make him see it. On his good days when we are all together as a family it is perfect why can’t he focous on that? I understand he will have black days but to throw it all away? We are both in the military and we do have to spend time apart and this is when he deteriorates badly, usually I can help him through and help him think of the good days. This week though he had it planned. As soon as I got through the door on Friday every single item he owned was gone from our family home and he said he was leaving, I even took him up to look at his sleeping son and asked him if he really was walking out of his boys life, he said nothing and left us. I hurt so badly it’s like some one is opening my chest and crushing my heart. I just hope he comes back to us once he hits rock bottom and then re builds
Morwenna says
But it hurts so much, for everything you’ve built in to crumble down while you know it’s the depression making them be like that but no matter how much you tell them they won’t listen x
Christina says
I can’t imagine as you are married. I suffer my own depression. But remember depression looks different for different people. Feeling numb is common. I myself have blamed external things on my own depression. Its my ex husband, it’s the city I live in, it’s my circle of friends, it’s my weight…I could go on and on. But it’s inside. I can’t tell you how many times I want to pack up and just drive till I can’t. Its escaping. Its in the veins. BUT I have done A lot work to understand that it’s irrational and it’s actually me. Until you let them go, and find out the new whatever didn’t fix it, then they will hopefully see it’s not YOU. In meantime you take care of yourself!!! Work out even if it feels impossible…take a bath…buy a book…go have a coffee with someone…baby steps. You got this.
Tink says
Long story and so much more I can even explain I just wrote basically a book to my ex of 10 years who raise a son at the time of 4 months old and a 4 year old both boys ended up we had a son of our own who is now 5 my oldest is 14 and my middle is 9.. the past 2 years has been a struggle and just on survival mode at this point .. the apartment we r in requires 2 incomes with 3 kids and I am here for my children’s school and am doing anything I can .. iv yet to take my sons father to court because iv been waiting on him to do the right thing for about 4 months I found out about 2 years ago he was cheating on me not inly had a girlfriend but was arrested for picking up prostitutes .. I was prior warned tht he was like tht and there was no way possible in my mind tht he was doing tht and defended to the fullest tht he wasn’t tht man . He did anything for us and loved hard .. yes things weren’t perfect by any means .. but when I found out he begged and pleaded his love for me and I made him leave and he took my 5year old (3at the time ) for a night and ran outta the house .. I haven’t been able to breath since tht day … he wouldn’t answer any calls for 24 hours and had said what am I stupid tht I should’ve expected tht and how could I even think he loved someone so disgusting .. tht I was beat and old (32) but insinuated sex tht I was old .i cried and cried and asked why and still asked tht until about 3 months ago why? How? How could you hurt me ?he didn’t care he told me to fuck off he was content and watching tv( I had to work and I literally couldn’t feel my legs swollen face from crying ) 2 days later he went to my 14 old sons school and asked to talk to him due to not seeing him in the traumatic time of leaving the house prior to tht … he told him everything was fine and he was gonna fix things as my son cried and told him he loved him … I freaked took him off list and told him to never contact him again . 2 days later he had his own apartment . Again I was devastated and he was trying to talk to me but not really and I was trying to be a “girlfriend in separate houses with no ever getting answers as to anything .. and I ask a lot of ?? He wanted control and both of best worlds then .. he would come over early mornings and middle of night from his place back home and cuddle me when I was sleeping and I would just cry to him and want him so bad … a couple months later he moved back in to home and we tried for about 3 months still I wasn’t aloud to talk about anything he had done .. I kept getting calls from people saying they seen him at court house for probation I confronted it and he denied it .. I ended up fighting so much and making him leave because he was lying and I just wanted the truth from him even tho I knew .. I was so up and down then tht I didn’t want to loose him no matter what … after the prostitutes girlfriend std leaving my kids saying there nothing to him… I was a horrible person and I feel tht he took total control over my mind body and would almost 2 years I could barely get up and work and take care of my children happily I had lost my family I felt .. I was a zombie !! So he moved into his aunts for months came home and more things popped up blocked numbers in his phone and he left again but didn’t take anything with him this time .. left for a whole week prob to make things better with his girlfriend .. then he come home and cried to me that he didn’t know where he belonged not even 2 weeks a domestic again (choked me till I could barely breath never was violent except one other time but this was bad .. as I was trying to call 911 he was running his things outside so fast tht he called and said he was crying and tht I beat him up while trying to breath and get my phone he had thrown ) and after tht I seen him a couple times and knew he never loved us .. it was all a joke ( like I said he played the best roll we were picture perfect family) he. Never went out weekends or nights always home we always did family time and our date nights the whole 9.. so he had his weekends and I had my normal bills and kids … he had said he wanted his money and tht he was happy with him and my 5year old now but he still wanted to work on things and he friends with benefits … I could no longer accept it I was finally getting out and forcing my heart not to love or think about him .. he had told me he didn’t think about me and why. Can’t I just get right ?? Ha .. so we were suppose to have thanksgiving I food shopped I pretended to be happy because tht all I wanted .. I didn’t want to think about all the hurt we caused the kids and me but I couldn’t and I calledand told him I can’t do it I’m done .. he acted like he cared he said he didn’t have anyone and he will wait until I tell him I want him .. I haven’t heard from him since about 4 days after he went to pick my 5 year old after already missing a day of pick up and I was gonna put him in his front seat of work vehicle bring him back to his shop where a tier 3 pedifile also works which he had failed to tell me also .. I know it’s not right but I couldn’t let my baby go .. I walked in and said say bye to daddy you’ll see him later and told my ex he better get to court because I refuse .. he said I will.. we haven’t seen him since tht day .. he went mia …I reached out about 6x about a month ago and said I will not again but my sons been asking for him and I lied … I know I’m horrible but I need advice .. I told him he is on a work trip and tht he loves him and thinks about him all the time but his cell doesn’t work there .. not a day goes by tht my son doesn’t say i love dadddy ,I miss him, crys and so much more but the worst is when he’s sitting there in the car or wherever or u see another father with their son.. I stay so strong and some days at night I can’t help but to just cry .. I have been so wrong to ever bring him in and out of our home and did tht to the kids .. I was jut as guilty and I would cry for days when he first left for about 2 years I can sit here and feel like the biggest piece of shit … how dare I not stay strong in tht time for my boys and just do what I did .. I didn’t want to loose him .. but I didn’t want to loose him??? Why would I want him ? Something is wrong with me ! I still miss him .. I can’t date and haven’t been out and have been with the kids and work everyday .. I missed being touched and I don’t want anyone but my ex … but I know I will never ever be with him again . And I just feel like I can’t get out of this feeling .. but also my baby boy is lost and it’s literally killing me and everyone says therapist ! What do u do when you constantly have work and no transportation because he took my car he bought me lol .. I’m on welfare insurance due to I’m a pet groomer and I don’t get offered insurance and ther fathers don’t do anything anymore but if I go to a therapist it takes 6 weeks at tht for someone to help … so they can get to know him? I’m scared and I can’t breath and I cry about the truth when I think about telling him and I don’t know how to tell the sweetest most innocent 5 year old little boy that his “super hero” is ? I don’t even have the words because I can’t fathom he would do this .. I had nerve to think i was something and look how weak I was for 2 years .. my son is sad or angry maybe acts out in a goofy way because he misses his dad and he tells me his brain is said and hiss body but he can’t control it and he wants to cry? It’s killing me .. I wrote a rough draft letter tonight .. I don’t think I should send.. I know I’m allover in my story but I would love honest thoughts .. should I force him and tell him he better see his child ? Why did he do this … note* my ex is 34 years old his mother died at 5years old and his father was investigated and his father had my ex and his younger brother and remarried 5 months later and the boys ended up taken by cys .. his brother was placed in a foster home where his loving family raised him and they died when he was about 20 Now my ex was raised with his grandmother who was in her 70s receiving help from some aids ..apparently she didn’t have so many feelings and they never talked .. yes my ex was around random aunts who r manic and busy in ther lives .. his fathers a doctor and lived 10 blocks away with his wife and her 3 boys .. my ex lived from the age of 6too 19,with his grandmother rarely seeing his father .. rare .. I’m pretty sure my ex is a true narcassist and he is sick and he cannot truely help it .. but I do know this is what he obviously wants I guess and I don’t think there’s much I can do .. but I truely believe he is someone else now since he was caught like a drug addict and I don’t know this person .. how can he do this to his baby he never really even went a day from ?
Tink says
I hope someone can help me and I do also need to go to a therapist .. also a medical doctor.. I have had to go to an X-ray for chest nexk and ultra for pelvic do to a lump I can. Barely breath and I wease outta only one lung swollen lynpyhd nodes all over my neck and back r usually numb or I can’t even move my head because it hurts so bad .. I know it’s all due to stress but I can’t find the time .. keeping up with bills kids work school meetings programs kiddfamily time .sports … but I know if I’m not healthy they won’t be taken care of and I’m just exhausted and I don’t have much hope until the kids are older and I think it will be too late
Alison says
I love how direct you are in this post. You get right to the effects of your struggle. empowering.
wendy says
My 15 year marriage is at and end and it seemed to happen overnight. I have seen my husband become increasingly angry and short tempered over the last several months. he became addicted to facebook and all of the political posts, becoming angrier with each reading. His comments were full of anger. Spent more time isolated from the family. he was having trouble concentrating at work. He was experiencing changes at work. on top of that, our youngest just left for college this year. He is a video gamer and I could hear him becoming agitated with that as well. He developed a “friendship” with a 24 year old girl that he plays on line video games with. Both the frequency and the content of the communication became inappropriate and i put my foot down, he became very defensive and then agreed that yes he should have ended it sooner and not allowed it to escalate. things spiraled out of control from there. He started saying things like he didn’t know what was wrong with him, he felt like he was gong crazy. not sure if he needed help. Couldn’t come out of this mood, then he started drinking. I made an appointment with a psychologist who diagnosed him with seasonal dependent mood disorder and bipolar. He said he needed to start on meds and get a referral to a psychiatrist. My husband refused the diagnosis. “nothing wrong with me, i just need to leave , then i will be fine” So he packed up and left. moved out. I continued to keep in touch with him via email offering my support. After a month the return email I got was that he had stared his meds. loved his apartment, was happier than ever being alone and that i need to move on. No he wouldn’t consider counseling as all he need to be was alone. Up until the moment he left he was “in love with me”, “hadn’t fallen out of love with me but just needed to leave”. now it is my fault as he was unable to tell me ” no” during the course of our marriage and that created things in him he cant explain. He felt unappreciated., and would never go back to a marriage like that again. I am left sitting here dumbstruck with the turn of events. the anger directed at me when he had never acted any differently towards me during the course of the marriage. nothing to indicated he was that unhappy. Now, also left wondering about the young lady he had the “friendship” with. My confusion, anger, hurt are overwhelming. I will never have closure or actual answers to any of my questions. I fear (as we live in a small town) going out and running into him with this girl. It’s only been a month and we are now in the process of filing for divorce. We had dealt with his bouts of seasonal depression in the past but nothing like this. My emotions are all over the place. I know I will get through this, but WOW! Now, having done some research, I can look back and see other things that would have clued me in had I known. This is a horrible thing to go through. I hope that the others dealing with this are able to find some peace and some happiness down the road.
Dee dee says
I am 6 years out of my 30 year marriage. Through counseling and much help from professionals I realize I was married to a narcissistic psychopath and pathological lier. My adult children have suffered but through counseling they too have understood what their father is. He is now married to a 15 year younger woman and is her 3rd husband. He is raising her twin 8 year olds as his own while he has only seen our 3 year old grand daughter three times. His social media page looks like father of the year with no mention of his biological son and daughter who are 27 and 31. I on the other hand had to sell my house and apply for Obamacare. I have NEVER been happier. My ibs went away the minute he left. I now have a beautiful relationship with a wonderful man who loves me for me! There is hope!!
Krissy says
Burden, I’m wondering how things are for you 4 months on?
Reading your story, I could well have written this myself. I believe my husband is depressed also. He suddenly wants to be alone after 35 years together.
Well meaning friends think it’s a relationship issue but I believe it is more than that. He has turned into an unfeeling, cold businesslike person. We lost our house due to redundancy 4 years ago and got ourselves into debt and he has never been able to face this . He has slowly eliminated people from his past life and now it seems ages my turn.
He is impossible to communicate with, rarely comes home and barely answers my texts or calls . Leading up to this he was grumpy, withdrawn and exhausted and hard to live with. He just wants to be alone, refuses help and says we have grown apart (which I guess we have).
My health and job are suffering as I am in turmoil and his refusal to talk to me about anything emotional is killing me. He sees me as the enemy and believes I am turning our 3 adult children against him.
I am very worried for him but also extremely angry. I am scared it will progress to suicide.
Reading about it online does not give me a lot of hope for resolution which is why I am wondering where you are at now?
At the end of the day I just want him to be happy and I’m not sure I have the capacity to cope with this ongoing situation.
Debbie says
Krissy I do feel for you as my partner is also depressed and keeps saying he wants to leave I feel broken, hurt angry and constantly in emotional pain as I cant understand how he can just throw our once wonderful relationship down the drain.
He says he does not love anyone even our daughters and his lovely grand child, I keep telling myself it’s the depression talking not the lovely man I once knew.
He says that he would be better leaving as he is holding me back and I deserve better but I love him so much . I often just sit in my car and scream as I feel so helpless.My job involves counselling others but I know I cannot counsel him.He wont attempt to go to the GP and often breaks down in tears for no apparent reason ,he is isolated and cannot be intimate with me I feel so rejected. Please help I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading my message
Krissy says
My husband won’t get help either but I’m working on it. It’s so bizarre – while in hindsight I see he has been depressed (insidiously creeping up on him) it is like a switch got turned on in terms of him not wanting to be with me anymore and does not seem to want to even try. For financial reasons he wants to stay in the same house so when he is here (he disappears a lot) it feels like a bad dream – I still feel like we are together but on his mind we are separated! I’m wondering if therapy will change anything – do I live in hope or learn to let go?
Robin says
The dates and details that you just wrote about are almost identical to mine. The pain is unbareable to live with. My husband was also my best friend. I have lost so much emotionally when he walked out 5 weeks ago. He left me in financial shape and seemed to care about making sure I knew to take care of home upkeep. He told me that he is 55 ,deserves to be happy and I would be ok to get a divorce. He wont answer calls, or respond most usually. I know he is depressed, but how can I help the man that seems to be so distant and seems to blame me for his unhappiness? I know he is not seeing anyone else (at this time) and is drinking heavily. He has no desire to talk to his adult kids and have left them wondering what is going on with him hoping they can help this wonderful father. I am struggling with the idea of divorce. I don’t want to give up on the man that stood at my side (as I have him) for 35 years. I want him to find this happiness he deserves. How do you cope?
Krissie says
Hi Robin – has anything changed for you in the last month? My situation has worsened in that he ha s totally moved out and introduced my son to a new woman recently (no warning and my son did not take it well). It has broken our family. The children are hurt and feel he has become a stranger. I know it is all being driven by depression and I have found many just cannot undertand this (one of my sons included) but does depression become an excuse for bad behaviour? People think I am making excuses for him and I see them judging him badly. A part of me still wants to hang on to the good person i know him to be and because I know he is struggling but on the other hand it is SO one sided, my feelings just don’t seem to impact on him and it is SO selfish.
I find myself reacting differently to how I want to because of depression and not wanting to upset him further. But this time I did rip into him a little and now he is beating himself up about it – which is not what my ‘old husband’ would do.
I think I need to let go and move on but it is easier said than done. Having said that, if he were to ask to come back tomorrow, I’m not sure I could let him back in and expect life to be normal again.
Sinead08 says
Thank you all for sharing, I am currently going through this with my partner of 17 yrs, within a couple of hrs last Feb every changed with him. Its all my fault, i caused his severe depression. He was put on anti depressants and advised to go to counselling. His moods very dark and full of rage and anger. but still came back to me for advice or grown up stuff. he’s a young gf now who doesn’t believe he has depression she he’s clinging on to that. I’d seen a change in him for the better over the last 6 wks or so, a softer side had returned and we were talking, he spent more time with his family and less with her.
Then he had another breakdown last week, admitted to me he didn’t want to feel like this, wanted to turn the clock back. I asked what he wanted and it was his wife and kids and had left her a “while ago” but yet can;t get the help he needs. he said he’s so scared and so angry and afraid of his anger. he’s afraid to see the dr and has come off his meds himself. he’s still in alot of physical pain and back to not sleeping, then struggling to get up for work, not really eating. by the weekend, the angry nasty side of him returned so he’s gone again. hadn’t the courage to tell me, just started to avoid me again, blaming me again. I asked why he acts like this says one thing, does another and he screamed that he was basically f*cked up in the head and i didn’t deserve that and no one can help him. so last time around i took the softly sofly approach and tried to make it safe for him and he had anxiety and he reacts as flight, but now its tough love. set days to see the kids and no texts from me to tell him how they are everyday. he’s not allowed into the house and its heartbreaking to see this happening as he used to be so loving and full of happiness and so easy going. I really don’t know what way to help anymore.
Burdy says
Hi
I don’t know if my husband is depressed or not but yours is the only site i’ve found that even comes close to making me understand is behaviours over the last 3 weeks.
We had a very happy and loving relationship for 18 years until 3 weeks ago after a silly argument that escalated he told me he wasn’t happy with our relationship. He took me through what had made him unhappy and i was happy to concede that we weren’t communicating effectively. I asked him to go get help with me and he said no. Then everything was ok for a week then he raised it again and told me i was being too nice and that was now the issue and we talked it over again which concluded in him coming to me the following day and telling me he really loved me and thought our marriage was stronger because of our talks and that he never wanted to talk about this again and promptly opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate.
A week on everything seemed fine, maybe he was a little distant, I didn’t really pick up on it. He had been experiencing night sweats and insomnia for some time and i had noticed he was a lot more aggressive and grumpy but put this down to a lack of sleep. It was a Friday and we travelled home from work together and chatted in the car, arrived home and i started dinner whilst he went for a run. He arrived home 45 minutes later and said, i’m not happy, i don’t feel the same way about you as you do about me and I’m done. I asked him to explain to me but he said no and that i would simply try and talk him around and it wouldn’t help either of us. I said i didn’t understand the reasons and he said he wasn’t prepared to talk about it.
What struck me most was the sudden anger. The venom and lack of caring with which he spoke to me was something i have never witnessed from him before. He had said to me previously that he was angry with me and I made him feel guilty but i didn’t understand this and he told me that it is because i stop him doing what he wants to do. This just simply isn’t true as i have supported him in all his passions and hobbies. I even took him to buy a guitar he wanted a week before he left.
He spent the next four nights hauled up in the spare room, playing music, refusing even the simplest kindness from me such as a drink or food. He refused point blank to talk to me abut anything other than a divorce. He responded to small talk unwillingly. Then after four nights he confronted me about that fact we could no longer live together. I’d read online that it was time to stop begging to give him control and to avoid explosive arguments. I apologised to him for the lack of support I believed he must be feeling which caused him to get angry again. I then explained he must go and do what made him happy and what he felt was right. he told me it was like he had just woken up and realised how unhappy he had been and then he booked an aparthotel and left that night.
Since then he has contacted me to pick up clothes and to discuss logistics but any mention of our relationship or the reasons he left and his anger flares again. I told him i just need answers so i can work on fixing myself but he says he has made him self crystal clear and will not talk about it or even write them in an email.
So now i’m heartbroken, haven’t eaten in two weeks, and am suffering my own depression. I’m continually questioning if he is depressed or if its just me and i did make his life a living hell, but I keep coming back to how very loving he was right up until the end. Buying me gifts because i was lovely, sending me texts throughout the day to tell me he loved me, we were each others entire world and I can’t reconcile this cold hearted, aggressive man i’m now confronted with to the warm loving caring man I shared my life with for 18 years. That man would never have gone about this so badly and with such lack of concern, consideration or love for me.
So I’m guessing I may never know why or if he is depressed. Depression makes sense to me as it appears to have run in is family with his father and grandfather both having committed suicide. I struggle with total concern for him and the fact that i think he may not have anyone to talk to and letting him know that I care very much all be it from a great distance and the fact that he seems to be fine and i think maybe i’m just in denial and everything is my fault and i broke all this with my lack of perception and woeful communication skills. I want so desperately to do the right thing but find increasingly i push him away and refuse to talk because I can’t deal with anymore pain and confusion. I simply don’t know what to do or where to find what that maybe.
Debbie says
Hi I sorry your going through so much pain! My husband suddenly did something similar last year, we were in middle of moving house and he told me he didn’t think he felt the same about me anymore and didn’t think he wanted a family anymore and wanted a high profile career instead, left and went to his mums for two weeks. I was continuously texting for answers as I was completely broken at home trying to look after three kids when I was barely able to get out of bed because if grief. He then suddenly showed up two weeks later, apologetic and passionate and told me he d realised his feelings hadn’t changed for me and he loved me more than anything and it was his job and lifestyle that was the problem, he went to docs and doc prescribed antidepressants which he refused to take when we came home and said it could be mild depression. We then bought a house nearer where we lived before as I didn’t feel secure enough to leave family after that. Everything seemed to be ok and I asked him in April how he was feeling and he said he was happy and felt a lot better about everything even though the only part of his lifestyle he’d changed was that he wasn’t sleeping out a lot during the week as he works in the south of England and were in the north, then 2 weeks ago it flares up again and he’s not happy with our marriage and all of a sudden he wants to be next Alan sugar no matter what the cost. He says he doesn’t want to leave me and loves me completely and if we end up separating it’ll breaks his heart, however contradicting himself by talking of giving up family for career if needed. I’ve told him I think he’s depressed and clearly not thinking straight and he says his jobs changed him and his train of thought is different now, he has no empathy or affection and no emotion. He doesn’t see he has a problem and just thinks he’s unhappy in his marriage. I’m an emotional roller coaster as this man is my entire world and I cannot even imagine a life without him. It’s too unbearable to think about.i don’t know how to fix this I really don’t.
wendy says
That is the same scenario with my husband of 15 years. He will contact me about trivial things now that he has moved out but would not discuss anything relationship related. i finally received an email that said he knew it was his fault and it was because he couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me “no” during the course of marriage. He refused counseling and said he wanted out and would never go back to a marriage like that. I experienced the same “i love you,etc, etc until the day he left. I don’t believe we will ever have the answers we need to get closure here. As he moved out only a month ago, and emailed me about the divorce on Christmas EVE, this is still very fresh and very painful for me, so I understand what you are going through. It’s devastating. I want to lash out at him, demand answers! It will do no good. I had no idea my husband was bipolor. talk about lack of perception skills. don’t blame yourself. it is so easy to do. I understand your concern for him , but we cannot control other people. You can offer your support but you need to take care of yourself. Don’t expect answers just try to move forward. Don’t know if it helps, but you are not alone in this.
Liz says
Dear John
Reading through all of these comments really makes me wonder why I have stayed with my husband for the past 8 years of his depression. Like most women He told me one day out of the blue – I just dont love you anymore – I was hurt, rejected and beside myself with the emotional pain. I loved him and had ideas of how life would be as we grew old together. Now 8 years on, we have gone through seperation for 9 months, I ignored him for around 3 of these which was very difficult. I moved on with my life – that was a game I played – it made him want to return. He came back to live with us and after a while he went on medication. It was thrown in the bin on several occassions in the beginning but now 8 years on he is on a steady medication. He sometimes foregets to take it for days on end and only because we notice he is getting angry and having rages does it come to light that oh I have not taken my tablets for a few days. I do not want to baby him and continously ask have you taken your meds? but for the sake of my children sometimes I have to. He has never really stopped been angry, but I love him and try to understand him. I know people will say why stay – but I say why leave? I want to protect him too. I know he hates been like this and lately he actually comes in and apologises for his outburst with me. He has never hurt me physically but he does hurt me emotionally. He hurts my daughter and can hurt my sons emotionally. We all now blame the depression and accept it. What would become of him if we abandoned him. He has a wonderful heart and is kindness itself to the world at times. At the moment he has had an outburst because I criticised a bad decision he has made. I am trying to make myself not get envolved with his bad decisions but sometimes they really do anger me. I wish he had never got depressed in the first place. I wish he had stayed the man I married and lived happily with for 16 years. I hope one day he will live peacefully. At the moment we get months of peace and kindness but today is just a bad day where he now is sulking like a child and I will leave him in the bedroom with his duvet day and hope tomorrow brings back my husband once again. He says life sucks, life is our hell, if I try to talk to him, he will slit his wrists in front of me etc.etc. I told him if he does that I will have him committed – I should have just said notting and left him to sort out his own mind. He will be obsessive about things, like putting the right items in the recycling, little things, I hope tomorrow is better.
Anne says
Hi John..
I came across this blog of yours. At the moment, im getting over a break up, which triggered by i think his depression. I dont know what exactly happened but he broke up with me. He told me nasty things, refused to talk to anyone even his family. But i love him and want to help him
He texted my siblings saying sorry for the break up. He already admitted everything and has its finality. But what bothered me when i read your blog is his behavior prior and during breakup. He told me he wants some silence, he needs time to think abt it.
I love this person but reconciliation is not my priority. I really wanted to help him on his depression. I know he is pressured that we dont have money for the wedding, he resigned from his job that he really loved and missing his family. He is just 23 btw.
I hope i could help him. And yes, i wish ill be the one to take care of him
Melissa says
I am struggling to understand the difference between men having this type of depression or having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Or does it really matter which??
tina says
Me too Melissa. ????
Michelle says
It’s more like passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is a behavior disorder that may look narcissistic at times because it’s emotionally selfish. However passive aggressive people are at risk for depression.
Angie says
Hello. I am glad I came across this site to realise I am not alone. I have had the most horrific few months. In autumn of last year my husband had a back injury. He was in a lot of pain and spent weeks in bed. When he came off his pain relief he suffered severe withdrawal symptoms and was put on a mild antidepressant to help relieve the symptoms. These included panic attacks, depression and insomnia. Before the injury he had some disappointment after a long recruitment process not being offered a job he wanted and we also had some money worries and a premature baby. This had taken it’s toll on both of us and I think he felt he always had to be the strong one. In January, two weeks after coming off the antidepressants he left. He said he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. While he was on them he said he felt numb. In the weeks that followed he admitted to me that he left because he felt violent towards me and didn’t know who he was anymore. He also admitted he had felt suicidal. I went to the doctors with him and he was prescribed stronger antidepressants and cbt. He completely turned into a stranger. Cold towards me, like he blamed me and behaving very strangely. I was angry and upset for my children and went from being supportive to him to venting my anger. I now feel this drove us apart even further. He has been on his meds now for around three months but had them doubled about six weeks ago. I have since found out that he has been seeing a co worker for about 8 weeks. I am completely devastated. when he told me I was furious and have made him feel horrific for it, probably causing more damage. I still love him and want him back as I believe this depression has blurred his morals and he is not himself. He sometimes says things which make me think he isn’t sure what he has done is the right thing but that to much has happened to go back. Other times he just says he doesn’t want to and it’s best in the long term. He is looking and feeling better now. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s the mediation and this other woman is just a feel good factor? Is this behaviour normal for depression? Can antidepressants make you feel disconnected to those closest to you? Or am I kidding myself? I have told him I love him and want him home but he says it’s to late. I think it’s because of what he has done and can’t face up to it all. Could I be right? Or should I just move on?
Emilia says
Hi
I was wondering if anyone could give me advice/ help me. Bit of background: I was engaged to my soulmate, we’ve been best friends since we were 12, he’d always loved me since we were little, proposed under the Northern Lights, travelled together etc. It was the classic ‘marrying your best friend’ sort of thing. I started a degree (about 40 minutes from where we lived) and we began the long distance struggle for a few years. I encouraged him to go for what he wanted, his family and friends were extremely unsupportive of him moving away and going for a degree, but he went against them with my support and started a degree away from home last September. The plan was to be married by August. If you met him, you would know he was the happiest, biggest personality you can imagine. He would light up a room and make everyone feel relaxed and comfortable. Then it all went downhill… I think shortly after he started at uni he realised that the degree wasn’t for him and regretted his decision. I don’t know if it was to do with me doing quite well and nearly finishing my degree and him being back at square one not knowing what he wants to do, but something in him changed. I’m absolutely no expert and I don’t know what to make of it. He went very cold, so I became more clingy and ‘where are you, what are you doing’- the classic jealous insecure partner (I didn’t particularly like myself at this point and know how damaging that kind of behaviour is in any relationship). I wasn’t sure why he was so cold, but I know him and I know it wasn’t a case of him meeting another woman. . It wasn’t just the coldness, he would show sudden bursts of love and adoration and go wild buying me gifts and showering me with affection, then back to cold. He was angry, and would suddenly fly off the handle, or just seem like he wasn’t really there when we spoke. For the first time in all the years we’d known each other, I never felt so far away from him. We would sit across a table, and there was a great distance between us. I kept trying and trying, planning quality time for us, doing nice things for him, trying to get some sort of positive reaction from him. He just didn’t seem to be there when we were together. When I saw him a few times recently (we were still living apart when he started uni in two different cities), he looked different, like he’d lost weight, tired and grey- he told me he can’t seem to sleep much anymore. He started smoking and drinking much more (this is someone who used to barely ever drink and never smoked). He said he wanted space. I gave him space, but then he wanted to meet me for dinners and invited me to go and see him- then told me not to come. I said to him, if you don’t want me anymore and you want to be over, please don’t spare my feelings. Then he said that he wanted to meet to ‘sort this all out’. At the meeting he says he wants it over but wants to meet up in 6 months. One minute he says I am his soulmate and the next he’s not sure, so I’m confused. There is just so much uncertainty. He says he is in love with me, but he thinks we both don’t know who we are, he doesn’t know what he is going to do with his life he says he is just so angry with me and our problems are to do with my issues and me- putting all of the blame and anger onto me. I don’t know what the signs of depression in men are/ or if they even differ from women. Does this sound like he could be suffering from depression or am I barking up the wrong tree?
Amy says
My husband proposed to me again in July 2014, and by Christmas 2014 he was asking for a divorce. He had fallen in love with a gal at work. I struggled to save my marriage, I changed everything. He struggled with who he wanted to be with. The new gal, who has no history and family with him or me, his wife of 24 years. He struggles with depression, refuses to take his medication and drinks. We are officially divorced now, I’m devastated. He is dating the gal from work, living the free life. I’m trying to pick up the pieces and finish raising our boys. I love him more than anything, and I pray that he figures it out and comes home. Not sure this will happen, but I want to help him.
Kim says
I am currently going through the same situation….my husband of 5 years went out with a girl from work 7 months ago one night and lied to me about it. He came home that night a different man…left kissing me goodbye and “going out with the guys” and came home angry, cold hearted and mean! Never apologized…instead left us to go live with his mom and live the free life…we have 3 kids of our own and I have 3 from a previous marriage so I was left in the home with the 6 kids, broken hearted and to pick up the slack for everyone without showing the kids my heart ache! 6 mos later we started talking about getting back together and trying to work on our relationship and one night he came home crying, apologizing, asking me to marry him over again one day, talking about taking us all on a much needed family vacation…but that stay lasted 3 days and he was gone yet again! Too much “anxiety” he said…it was a huge mistake he said…and since that day a month ago he can’t bare to look at me or speak to me, he just has so much hatred for me…as though I’m the one who did him wrong! I am still in love with my husband because I truly believed that he was my soulmate but he has become a monster…a complete stranger with no heart at all. I have begged him to talk to me and let me help him as he feels he’s suffering from depression but he has procrastinated for months to schedule an appt to speak with anyone. I myself suffer from depression and have been on meds for 8 years so I fully understand the feelings he’s going through but at the same time leaving us I don’t think was ever the right thing to do. To completely neglect me and my feelings, say that me and my children (not his 3) are not his family, I am heartbroken and angry at the same time. I have tried to be there for him and support him but it’s impossible from afar when I get no contact at all. He picks up the kids and drops them off on his days and that’s it! I am at a loss as to what I should do because my heart still loves him. It the abuse and neglect I’ve been dealing with for so long has to stop. I’ve come to a point where I’ve told him that I can no longer accept the disrespect and he’s not welcome here except to pick up and drop off our children and it breaks my heart but he doesn’t even care. I guess I’m just writing to let you know you’re not alone and to stay strong!!! My hearts been torn apart by the same man I love twice now and I’m still pushing forward and taking it one day at a time. I do the best I can for my children and always put them first…but there’s always hat hope in the back of my head that he’ll realize what he’s done and return home…my biggest fear now is if after all of this suffering if I’ll be able to accept him despite the fact that I do still love him! Best of luck to you!!!!!!
Amy says
I am truly sorry that you are going through this. It is heartbreaking to know that they are not thinking clearly, and that the whole family is hurt from this. I know what I didn’t do in my marriage, I wasn’t always nice, loving or there for him. I also know it goes both ways, he wasn’t always kind to me, loving, or there. I know, I would have never done what he did to our family, I saw my parents go through affairs, divorce and I know what it did to me and my siblings. My parents finally got the help they needed, and they got back together. It’s been tough, but they have made it through. I would love nothing more for my ex to know that he made a mistake, that he was wrong. Our marriage was not horrible, hardly fighting, great family vacations, genuine love and respect (at times). Depression is a sickness, that you can live a healthy life, full of love and happiness. My boys, ages 23, 22 and 18 are heartbroken, their family is forever changed because of the actions of my ex and the other woman.
My ex talks to them about her, wants them to meet her before he can go on to the next level of their relationship. My youngest son, does not want anything to do with her. He was the one who saw what happened over the last year, the yo-yo emotions. My ex told me in August (2015) that he saw a future with me, he wanted to prove to me that he loved me, everyday he would do this. I was actually moving out that month, I had a place and I let it go, because I believed him. Now, we are divorced, and I’m alone, hurting and lost. He is my soul mate, he is the love of my life and he just threw me away, our family. All I want is him to come home.
Shell111 says
I had something happen with my ex husband. Drop your children of with granny and their dad for a month. You take time out. Let see how his free life is then and will granny be making him take responsability for his children. Instead of him wanting the easy life. It sounds hard but your children will not come to sny harm. Daddy needs to step up and be a man. You deserve a break. X
Dee says
I have felt alone for the past few months. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage and am engaged to who was once a wonderful committed man. We have been together for 7 years engaged for 3. Towards the end of January he suffered the loss of a close friend and co-worker and started coping with the pain by drinking which lead to impaired choices to connect with a co-worker. The him that I knew wouldn’t have done this if he had presence of mind. I confronted him about the texts and calls and he just cried and said he is in such a self destructive way and he can’t believe what he’s done. In between all of this he left and took our dog whom I am very attached to as well. It’s been 3 full weeks since he’s gone. He’s only taken a weeks worth of clothes and over the past 2 weeks I called, pleaded. Stopped by work, pleaded, emailed his Mom and offered forgiveness, understanding and support. With zero reply. Except for when I’ve showed up at work. He looks so sad and in such shame and guilt. I asked when he’d be coming home and he said he’s just not ready yet. I asked if he loves me and he can’t answer but he says he knows how much I love him. When he left 3 weeks ago he kept saying you don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry I hurt you and you’re amazing and beautiful and I just don’t know what I’m doing. I asked if he loves me and he cried and said yes then left. In the midst of all this he was charged with disorderly intoxication as a result of his poor coping choice of alcohol. He also hit a utility line as well prior to the disorderly intoxication. I know that I cannot help him. I’ve begun therapy again and have suffered depressive episodes myself so I have sincere empathy. It’s been hard because there’s no sense of closure. Is the relationship over, I’ve outright asked and he won’t answer. Tomorrow will be 5 full days of no contact whatsoever. I live in his home and this is all so unsettling. I’m hoping that his court date will be a catalyst for his journey into healing and that he’ll return to the relationship and home healthy. With 5 days of zero contact from him it’s very hard to gauge. All I can do keep my self and kids centered. He’s a very stubborn but sensitive person and u know he’s stuck in fear, shame and guilt. I just pray he doesn’t stay there too long. He’s created another life for himself. And I feel I’ve been left to hold everything together. I live in fear of my living situation and am in an obvious state of pain and shock. My heart aches for him to get well and trust that with his want to get help we can resume life at it should be…the pain of loosing someone to this deep depression/mid life crisis sabotage is undeniablely excruciating. My best friend and the love of my life is self destructing and all I can do is watch while I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I have felt so adversely unique and feel such comfort to know that other families/people are experiencing similar situations. When do you decide to move on? Do you ever move on from your soulmate? how are things faring for you. I struggle with the same fear. Will be come back out of guilt, necessity or truly a healing loving place? I’m his biggest champion. I guess that’s the perk to being a soulmate. You truly see limitless of unconditional love in these dark and uncertain times.
Sarah says
My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and up until the last couple of months things were going great. I first noticed him starting to seem depressed before the holidays but him and his wife of 9 years split up 2 months before we met and he said the holidays were hard because it is the first holiday without them being a family. I understood and just tried to be supportive and let him know I was here if he wanted to talk. The week before Christmas we found out that he is going to be deployed for the third time, at first he seemed ok with it but then after a couple weeks he started isolating himself, not wanting to do anything and he was less affectionate, he still kissed me and told me he loved me but that was about it. I finally confronted him and asked what was wrong thinking I had done something and he finally(reluctantly) told me that he had been having nightmares about me cheating on him while he was awayand that he was afraid his son would think he is never coming back. He also said that he felt like we moved too fast in our relationship and that he should have taken longer to grieve over his marriage ending. I told him he needs to talk about it not hold everything in until he can’t take it anymire. He said he has a hard time talking about his feelings or really anything because he had never done it before. I asked him how I could help and he said he just needed space, I encouraged him to get out and do things with his friends and he did go out drinking with a friend one night and came home the next morning wanting to cuddle with me saying he missed me and felt bad for leaving me home alone and he wanted to take me out for breakfast. The next week things kept getting worse and he said he couldn’t keep upsetting me and it wasn’t fair for me to have to go through his depression. He finally decided that he needed to move out for a while to get help and have some time to himself. I of course was devastated i felt like this was the end that he didn’t want me anymore, but I asked him repeatedly if he loved me and he said yes and I asked him if it was because he didn’t want to be with me and he said that wasn’t it, he said this isn’t something he wants it is what he needs. When he left he took his clothes, his son’s bed and dresser and his army stuff but left everything else including his son’s toys. Through all if this we still slept together and he never stopped kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me and when I would cry he would hold me and rub my back until I stopped. The day he left he hugged me for a long time and he said see you later not goodbye. I guess I am trying to convince myself that he just needs time and space and that he will be back and we can start over. (PTSD?) Any input, advice, suggestions, or comments would be greatly appreciated.
Dee says
Reading your post and it’s such a tough process because we seem to have to sort things out based off of conjecture or irrational behavior. I’m not certain why he wouldn’t have taken his sons toys. This is much like my fiancé taking the bare minimum with him. I think maybe they know that their truly loved so much that they’re willing to risk loosing other things i.e, comfort of home to explore the unknown. So painful to us as we wait and try to figure out how to fulfill our needs as well. Therapy has been helpful and the obvious friends and family.
Dee says
Ps…something that’s really helpful to me is writing emails that I send to myself as though sending to him and journaling.
Brittney says
Hello dee! I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but, however it does get better! I am almost a year into my divorce, and I look back and wonder what I ever saw in him. He has a girlfriend and has had one since week 3 of leaving. I could care less. My daughter is involved, and all is well so far. But I am doing great, much happier, living the dream! I’d like to work more on my finances, but other than that all is well!
D says
Everything in the post is a pattern that I saw in my man for many years. Angry for no reason. Tense and then sad. Who is this person ? Where did he come from? Why is he so cold ? My fiancé / boyfriend of 8 years packed up and left me and my child and “his daughter”. When I asked what was going on, he got angry and then quiet and then angry again. In an emotional tearful plea for an explanation he became angry and started saying that he was leaving because I kept trying to be a support for him during his episodes of isolation, depression, overworking , not eating and not grooming. He said that its nothing wrong with him and that if he wants to be away from me and his close family members, it’s his business. He went on to say that it’s nothing wrong with him, but there is something wrong with everyone else, especially me. I’m always asking what’s wrong, what can I do to help, why were you so mean to your daughter or your mom, please talk to me, did something happen at work, you should eat baby, why you sitting in the dark alone etc. He told me that he doesn’t want to share anything with me about his feelings or where he goes in the middle of the night sometimes. He said that my problem is I’m trying to “control” his personality. I’m trying to make him deal with an issue that doesn’t exist — this is who he is and because I’m asking him to meet me halfway or to confide in me about what’s driving his anger, his isolation episodes, his sitting in the dark with the tv on for hours and hours, I’m trying to control him. I’m the one with the problem he said. Last week I picked out my wedding dress, we toured the venue for our wedding and started the guest list and in Christmas Eve he started packing… Following three days of not eating, rejecting all phone calls from friends and family and just being miserable and emotionally unreachable.
I blame myself because over the last two years, he’s become more and more depressed and there were a few times that he told me in a rage that if I wanted to be supportive, I should back off and let him be, and I did. And it got worse. He asked for space and I gave it, and it got worse. Maybe I shouldn’t have gave him space when I saw him unraveling mentally and isolating. Now he has left home the night before Christmas. I have two girls that I have to explain where daddy is to and I’m beside myself. Very, very broken-hearted and alone.
Terry says
Why were you picking out a wedding dress and planning a wedding with someone who is so clearly disengaged from you? You say you saw this horrific pattern for many years, yet you somehow felt you were in a good relationship, and ready to marry??? And you still say you blame yourself? No! You’re in denial! You can’t fix him, but you CAN work on yourself. Co-dependence keeps you focused on him (a problem you can’t fix) instead of you (the problem you need to be working on). Do the work you need to do.
Sue says
Recently my love of 5 years told me he no longer felt he was in love with me. He told me he has been feeling this way for a long time but it has been back and forth, he loves me one day then feels nothing the next day. I have noticed a change in him but I believe it is due to his mother’s crippling anxiety that she developed last year. She wouldn’t work, she wouldn’t leave the house and refused to get help. His siblings are away at college and his father works and tries to keep himself busy. So the burden of his mother has been on him, since he is hone with her the most. Up until then, he has had a pretty stress free life. But now all of a sudden at 24 he has the constant worry of if his mother is okay, will his parents be able to pay the bills, will they get a divorce will they lose their home because his mother won’t get help and start working normally. All while in his life he switched positions at a job and has terrible hours, he wants a good job but has yet to find one and he barely sees his family friends or me due to his hours. So for about a year this has all been on his mind constantly and he cannot focus on anything else. At first it was anxiety, but now I believe it to be depression. He has realized something is not right and he is seeking help from a psychiatrist, but this depression cloud just clouds his mind 24/7. So as hard as it is, I am trying to give him his space. He keeps telling me that once he is better we will be better, but for now he needs to be alone because he feels terrible that he can’t focus on me or our relationship. I understand that, he can’t fix us until he fixes himself and loves himself, but I don’t want him to end us because we didn’t even have a chance yet. I hope he realizes he can’t do this alone because he has pushed his mother away and friends too. I pray he will be happy again and love himself because he is amazing and I love him so dearly
Dee says
Was wondering if there is an update to your story.
Steve says
Women. Are. Blameless.
Jenny says
May I ask what you meant by that comment?
Lorraine says
Hi,
Like everyone I have stumbled upon your site due to my own circumstances and reading the posts and your responses John have been really helpful to try and get some insight into what may be happening to my boyfriend at present.
My boyfriend has had an extremely tough time over the last 16 months we have been together. He had separated from his wife (who when he left gave him documentation relating to depression and thought this was contributing to their break up) and moved out of the family home they lived in with their child. He would stay with me most of the week, leaving to spend the remainder of time with his son, and even though we were very happy I think that the depression must only have been bubbling away under the surface. My boyfriend was all over the place, living out of a bag, coming to see me, going to see his child, and all the time keeping a whole host of secrets. He did not want to tell his wife about us until they had been split for some time, as even though we got together after he left, I guess I was the catalyst for him leaving (both my boyfriend and his wife had tried for a long time to make their marriage work before this and failed), and eventually I found out that he was often stopping over at the family home when he saw his child as it was the easier option for him. So for a year, he had been keeping secrets from me and secrets from his wife, which must have been pretty stressful in itself. After a big argument I told him I no longer wanted to be a secret, so my boyfriend tells his wife, and then bam he disappears and falls into the darkest hole possible.
Maybe this has triggered whats now happening to him, or maybe leading a kind of double life was comfortable for him and now he really has to deal with the reality of his separation has hit him, I dont know. He walked away from me nearly 2 months ago, telling me he was not sure about me and him, and I was devastated. This was the man who told me he has never loved anyone like me (only a week before disappearing) and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. At the beginning of the two months there was very limited contact from him, he just described his head as a whole mess and he could not trust his own thoughts as they were not making sense. Then he began more contact, telling me he was sorry this was happening to us but just to know he loves me. As time has gone on, he seems to have gotten worse and worse. He has said he feels at his lowest point in life, and the only thing that is keeping him here is his child. I know, that he has been stopping a lot at his old home (which has been hard for me at times, as I feel shut out, yet his ex wife is there). Maybe its a sign of security also for him that he is in his “base”and he needs that right now. At times I have told him I cant do this, cannot support him when I am not seeing him, that I am scared that he is going back to his family. He has told me this is not the case, but that something has happened to him that has made him want to curl up and hide and what this something is is what he is trying to determine. At first he wouldnt contemplate getting any help, but after telling me that he once had a break down at the age of 14 when his parents own marriage broke up, I tried to encourage him and he is now having some counselling and this week made the decision to take anti depressants. This is just so hard for me at the moment. I dont want him to be alone dealing with this, but its just hard to be of support when the person you are used to hearing from every day has just gone from your life. He tells me that he thinks of me every day, but when I ask why is he not with me, he says that fear is stopping him from seeing me. I am trying to understand that the depression is making him run and hide, but on the other hand am thinking of self protection as he is at his family home and I am worried that maybe this is all because he cannot make the break from what he knows. Any words you can offer would be great.
Thank you
Marin J says
This was tough to read. But I appreciate it so much. I’ve been married for 35 years, and my husband was diagnosed with depression early last year. He has changed so much; I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and the man I’ve loved forever. I know this is impossibly hard for him but I feel so alone and lonely all the time…
Buckeyefan says
Hello all! I have been with my husband 10 years (married 5), we have an 8 year old daughter. We were high school sweethears, i was his first. He started drinking heavily about 2 years ago, but would drink occasionally before then. He told me for a while he suffered from alcoholism, but i never thought anything of it, it was something i thought he enjoyed, to keep his mind off of things. He started staying out until 3am, driving home completely drunk, would lie about where he was, who he was with, so i said if it didnt stop, i was leaving. Well, in january, his best friend committed suicide, after moving to texas, and finding out his wife had an affair. The drinking became worse, and he even took an excessive amount of pills, on top of drinking very heavily one day, im not sure if it was a call for help, or if he tried to commit suicide, so i had him admitted for evaluation. He was diagnosed with depression, and alcoholism. I signed him up for grief counseling and also got him on depression meds. I also attended an al anon meeting. Beginning of april, he moved into his parents for a week, and said he needed to find himself. Came back and said he missed his home and family, but just 2 weeks later, he left again to go to his parents, and it has now been 1 month. He said he needed to find his happiness. He started threatening me with the house, the cars, etc, so i hired a divorce attorney, and our divorce was filed a few days ago. Will he regret this decision?
Dee says
This is so similar to my situation. Except my fiancé is totally unresponsive. I posted my situation above. How are things going for you now?
Jo says
I guess my story is a bit strange but this is how it goes!
I have been with my husband for 14 years now and had the most amazing 13 1/2 years until two weeks after my mum passed away( suddenly) . He came home numb and crying one day telling me he does not love me anymore. Got him to go to a doctor who initially told me he has depression & built an emotional wall around me! Sent him to a psych & he never got better just worse.
Over this period lost 35 kgs, does not sleep , at times was verbally abusive ( but I made him say those things), told the kids he does not love me, withdrawn, has no contact with my dad who loved him like a son , lies and deceives all the time , rarely goes out just sits in front of the tv and smokes himself silly,
And is obsessed with the self for filling prophecy that I will leave him by changing the locks and throwing him out !
He believes that on the 1 st August he woke up and just changed. He truly believes there is no MH issues. However I have never had contact with his psych & never seen anything stating what he actually been diagnosed with?
He sees his psych once every 3 weeks and she has sent us to marriage counseling now.
Which the marriage counselor told him he has anger, control issues & told us he has Depression, anxiety and probably PTSD ( growing up in belfast during the troubles).
He does not want to believe that and calling her unethical and not professional .
It’s like he won’t up and was a completely different man .
I can’t cope with this for too much longer. It’s killing my family and the kids are suffering.
He try’s to control everything in his environment but can not control his own mind nor can he control me.
So I started placing boundaries :: no drinking in the house, get out or get help. Depending what day it is he will change his mind. He has stopped drinking at home. One day he wants to leave but says he has no money , next day why should he leave it’s his house and so on.
He does not think he is ill – just changed but why has he not left & instead made my life a living hell for myself & kids..
Relle says
He doesn’t have it in him to leave. He know there’s a problem but he doesnt know how to handle it even with help… He needs to be honest of what he may need from you and what has made him feel down. Depression is confusing and as men we dont do well with all emotions hitting us at once and sending us on that emotional rollercoaster. Try to cater to him and boost his ego, his confidence, because somewhere down the line thats what he lost, and isolation helps hide that.
jo says
Hi All,
Just an update on my horror story.
My husband left on the 26th Oct 2015 and 10 days later my father passed away.
He tried to support me however, I refused as it was only to pretend to everyone that there is nothing wrong with him.
He is manipulative, angry and believes he has NOT abandoned anyone but, just wants to find true happiness.
He isolates himself and only has time for our 8 year son whilst, our 6 year old daughter has no meaning to him…Very sad.
Now I need to protect myself and the kids from his madness and detach myself from him.
Never in a million years would I imagine this man do this to me and the kids.
Its a insidious disease and without treatment they get worse.
AJ says
My husband did something very similar. Out of the blue left me with a baby and toddler, financially completely dependent on him with a new baby – real class act. Plugged in loving husband and father, gone the next with no explanation. Even had the audacity to accuse me of being emotionally abusive to him (which he couldn’t prove of course it was hogswash to deflect of his own appalling behaviour) I genuinely thought we were happy.
Now im through the grieving period and navigating the legal system where I should feel ‘happy for him he is now returned to good mental health’ since he has no responsibility and his parents do everything including wipe his arse for him at the age of 33 I personally just think hes a gutless coward who needs to wake up to himself and stop wandering around like the world owes him something!!!
Me? rather then wilt in the corner im spending time playing with my children, studying and giving him and his evil parents the epic middle finger. I haven’t lost, he has done me a favour. I am relieved and excited about my future now hes gone My children deserve a normal parent who can be there to wipe their tears and change their nappies. Do these blokes think we as mothers LOVE getting up at all hours of the night, after carrying, birthing and then having a baby hang off you for months on end? no i wouldn’t trade it for the world, my kids ARE the world to me. The poor petals, should we pat their hands and offer them some boob too? sorry for being facetious I just find this a bit ridiculous.
Im sorry, but there is something VERY wrong with someone (anyone) who can have a child and then think they are doing something good by leaving them.
To all the women who this has happened to my suggestion is, stop bandying around these people like they are delicate wall flowers and do what makes you and your beautiful children happy!!! if YOU arent good enough, if your beautiful children arent good enough then GET RID of these people and create a space for someone who IS good enough for YOU.
If these blokes have a spine and any moral fiber they will put their children s needs first- there is a right and wrong way of doing things. If your unhappy, have a conversation and get a divorce, it isn’t hard to be courteous. Lots of people manage to coparent well for the benefit of the children.
And I wont apologise for the above. To me these people who just ‘disappear’ are scum.
Shell111 says
I had something happen with my ex husband. Drop your children of with granny and their dad for a month. You take time out. Let see how his free life is then and will granny be making him take responsability for his children. Instead of him wanting the easy life. It sounds hard but your children will not come to any harm. Daddy needs to step up and be a man. You deserve a break. X
Melissa says
We have three children together. We were married and I divorced him when he moved out with another woman. He left her after three weeks. I held in with all my love for a very long time. I would drag him out of bed and out of bars and find him help and was the supportive wife and friend. They turn on you like a miahandled pitbull. I got invited to a friends birthday get together once and he left me. Telling me he was done with me. I can’t tell you how many times he was done with me and would walk over me crying on the floor begging for his old love back while he smirked you’re nothing. The story was always the same when he returned or I begged him back. He would say he was sorry and it was his bipolar or his dysfunctional upbringing or his drinking or drug use. But it always ends with him leaving because I am the source of all his problems. He says he is so much happier now that he’s away from me and and one night I cried to him, my family was torn apart, he mocked me and said what now are you going to go kill yourself and giggled. He can love deeply and sweetly and turn off over anything and have no emotions at the drop of a hat. I’m in pain right now from going through this so long. It doesn’t end. He is on dysfunction repeat and im suffering from losing my best friend, my future, and the abuse that has cut me up inside. To all these concerned and hurt partners I say this to you, look in the mirror and stop lying to yourself. Tell yourself the truth. This is not love, love does not hurt, I don’t want someone I love to cry all the time and be alone and abandoned and hurt, dont I deserve the same? Why am I feeling unworthy of a reciprocal loving relationship? It won’t end. In my case it has been 14 years. It hurts like wicked hell and some days I don’t think I can live, I would have been better off had i left a long time ago. You build and invest your heart and soul and then CRASH it’s all gone because you forgot to wash his favorite pants. Then he calms down somewhere between two weeks to three months and has been enlightened while away and you do it again and build and invest and then CRASH, you’re nothing to me. I don’t know why, but I know if you stay it’s like holding a gun pointed at yourself and saying I will end my life and kiss all stability goodbye because they are sick and need me to suffer to prove my love. This is stupid. I’m guilty of it too, but I’m tired of being his pin cushion for his emotions. He is using me. I’m just a method that works out in his mental illness. That payout of love and happiness, it will never come. They will eventually leave you for another pin cushion. Run the other direction very fast and if you don’t have kids yet, thank God you dodged the bullet and run like hell!
DD says
I can’t believe how similar this is to my story. I never knew what bipolar really was before I met my husband but I was told he had it and I willingly married him. I thought that if this man was what bipolar was then I could work with it because it didn’t seem to affect him. Wow was I wrong. Unfortunately for me, I was with my husband during an up phase and right after the wedding he came down crashing. I have not seen him since. I lost him over the years. I tried to help, drove to psych doctors, went to appointments to support him, in and out of multiple psych wards – NOTHING helped. He just got worse. He eventually could not hold a job let alone a conversation. After his DUI and he quit drinking it all broke down worse. He began stealing my pain pills, left on drinking/drug binges and started taking anything he could find really while I stayed home with a brand new baby and a 5 year old. I put everything into him and put off my own very necessary surgery. Everyone helped him but he didn’t help himself. The last time he walked out he took his paycheque that I needed for groceries and left town to drink the money away. When he had spent it all I refused to let him come back. The kids and I were emotionally exhausted , I was left to figure out all our debt and he spent it all on booze. He wasn’t even remorseful. He said his sorry and just assumed he could come back and we would help him again. I told him if he truly wanted this work then he had to go to dual diagnostic centre and then we’d stay by him and support him. That was almost 2 years ago. He never did move back, call, send the children cards etc. I just found out he just had a baby with a girlfriend he left us for. Apparently while he was saying sorry to me he was also on a dating site and had started up with this girl while we were trying to work things out. A person can only blame bipolar so long. Makes me wonder how much of it was his personality. He changed so fast. It was like I lost my best friend overnight. I always wonder if he will leave her to.
Jessica says
Hi,
I have been with my husband for 13 years we have 2 kids. 6 months ago he left (moved in with his mom) because, he said he was unhappy and life is too short to live unhappy. This was triggered by him losing his Dad in a car accdent (he was killed 2 months before he left me). 2 weeks after his dad was killed he found out his best friend had stage 4 cancer and wouldnt make it long. He started thinking about life and were he was. We had been in a rough patch, we were foster parents to my sisters 3 kids, this has caused alot of issues for our house and relationship. After about month he started coming around and we were getting along and he would occasionally stay over he said he wanted to come home and he missed his family so much. We took a family vacation in July (his mom and sister was with us). We had a great time. He was still staying at his moms house but, we were getting along and it seemes to be going good. His best friend passed away in August then he lost his job the end of October. Our 11 year wedding anniversary was the begining of October he bought me watches. While we were on vacation (2 weeks ago) I found out on Facebook he was in a relationship with someone. he had been seeing her about a month, while seeing her he was saying there was a chance for us to work and he was asking to sleep over with me. When I asked him about her he said Yep and he told me it was over a long time ago. Since we have been back he was distancing himself from me, then the begining of last week he told me he prays everyday for changes so we can be a whole family agian. Then Friday he flipped and said he isnt in love with me and it is over and we will not work out because, we can not get along. He said he had filed for divorce, I called the lawyer and he has not filed and hasnt started the paperwork. He started distancing me from his family, and is being very mean to me. I am so confused because, I dont understand how he can be in a relationship with someone so soon and I feel like he has been stringing me along. I am not sure what to do I am so confused/hurt should I move on with my life because, he is moving on with her?
ann says
Please listen to me loud and clear…..move on with your life…I was in the same position as you are….it’s a mind game that they are playing…..he wants to keep you on the rollercoaster ride.. .I beg you to please get off…..let him go…..if he really wants to be with you…you have to let him go and let him prove to YOU that he is deserving……remeber YOU are the prize!!
Missing my best friend says
Hi, thank you to everyone sharing his/her story. It is comforting to know that my husband and I are not the only ones going through this. My husband and I have been together for 15 years (8 of them married). We are in our mid-30s and have what anyone could want. We have each other, 2 wonderful kids (8 and 4), a beautiful home, great jobs, great family and friends. My husband started his current job about 4 years ago and it was going great…until about 2 years ago it became very stressful. I don’t know if that was when the depression started but the depression only came to light about 5 months ago.
My husband (SD) came home at 2 AM from being out with his friends…which is NOT usual for him. That night I had a dream…more like a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that we were not together anymore and he was dating someone new… I cried hysterically in my sleep that it woke him up. I told SD about it and he told me not to worry and held me until I fell asleep. Days later I still had an uneasy feeling. So I asked SD about it. In tears, he told me that work has been extremely stressful and he had confided in his female assistant about work. I did not get upset…I told him I understood why. She knows what it is like in the office. So as we talked, he told me that she told him she had feelings for him but he did not respond to it. So I asked him did he have feelings for her…he said he didn’t know…he was confused. WOW…was that a blow! I was hysterically! I was hurt, confused, sad… So I started therapy. Therapy has helped me TREMENDOUSLY! I have learned a lot about myself and grown through this experience.
Before the nightmare, the conversation…I could see changes in SD. He lost about 20 lbs within a year (unintentionally), became anxious, did not sleep well, distanced himself from some of our friends who were more like family to us, stopped doing most things he enjoyed and the activities he continued doing…he did not do them well. The list goes on. So I thought a midlife crisis…maybe depression. Several conversations occurred and he finally told me that he is dealing with a bout of depression. So it started to make sense when he told me he was confused…it wasn’t about feelings about his assistant…it was about him.
Fast forward 5 months, we have decided to separate for the time being. We have talked numerous, numerous times about us…about him and the depression. From the time I sensed there was something wrong, he has been convincing himself that he was not in love with me anymore to the point that he is disconnected from me. Although he said he knows in his head that he is still in love with me, he can’t feel it emotionally. It hurt to hear that but I try to not let it get to me. He is disconnected from EVERYONE…himself, our friends, family, our kids and me. I have been able to separate the man I know and love from the one that is here presently but I don’t think he has been able to. SD is very typical male…sorry, the men reading this. He internalizes everything…does not share much with anyone but me. Now he doesn’t even talk to me much.
He has lost himself so much. He has told me that he does not even like himself, he feels like he is watching is life from the outside. The hopelessness and even helplessness I see in his eyes…makes me so sad. I know he truly LOVED his life, me, our kids….everything he had. He is still my best friend, he was a great husband and father. But he cannot be any of that right now because he has lost himself so much. I agreed to the separation because I truly feel that this could help him and us salvage our marriage.
We are waiting until after Christmas to tell our kids. Just the thought of it…makes me cry. They are sweet, wonderful children and to think of what this will do to them…breaks my heart. But I have to put them and myself before my husband. I can see how much their father being disconnected to them is affecting them. We are still working on details of our separation. Funny, I feel in my heart that he will find himself again and come back to us but it still scares me so much. There are no guarantees.
Has anyone gone through a separation? Any advice, wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Same page says
I have a similar story and feel lost. Would love to hear any updates you may have. Thanks!
SS says
Do you have any updates? I feel the same!
need him back says
My boyfriend n I has been together for 4 yrs. With 3 kids. However we r in a distance relationship due to immigration reasons.
Everything seems to be a problem fu him now. He blames me for everything. There was evidence in his fone tht hes seeing someone else. When I comfront him he denied. Lately he no longer text or even call to check up on us. 2days back he text me broke up with me. Saying its jus a motion with us n hes unhappy. Everything is redudant with us. N hes moving on. Wht can I do. I need help our kids r 3yrs old n our twins will b one on the 20 of this month.
Alice says
Hello everyone,
My mate left me in the spring if this year. He and I had an argument .I got so mad I broke something of his. I have always had a temper. Let’s blame it in my red hair.. lol
Well I was upset because I’d just moved back in with my love. it didn’t take long before he started treating me badly.He was telling mW to shut up.He even refused to sleep with me.He also wouldn’t touch me etc.. That morning we had it out he told me I’d moved myself back in. For me he had just declared war! After all I gave up a nice rental to come back to him.Not to mention i allowed him.to woe me all over again. When hw told me I’d moved myself back.in, and that he didn’t ask me to come back I was so mad.. I felt so confused and dirty and unwanted.. Well as you might have gueesed he left me that morning .Since his leaving me and my kids , ivw seem him a half dozen times since early spring. He’s staying at a famukt members place. The family member rarely vists so he’s by himself most of the time.he’s literally 20 mins away from us.He left me his place and doesn’t ask me for to much money.. in fact he’s taken good care of us even thou he’s sick. I to have been so sad for months. since I dont get on with his parents etc I can’t find our if he’s OK.I assume he is or I’d get a knock at the door saying he’s gone etc.. Friends tell me to leave and go on but I stay on here because its cheap and I have faith my love will come home one day soon. All the signs were there in theonths leading up to my friends breakdown. He even talked about hearing people at his job that were dead.He also stated to me and my kids he saw things out of the corner of his eye at his job.. funny thing only a few work the night shift at the foundary he works at. At the time before thought he was being silly. Since he’s watched way to many shows about the dead etc murder shows etc.. He also had always been more of a downer than an upper type person. He’s always been moody and almost manic at times. So I brushed his behaviors off as silliness. Now I see it all clearly. Me and my kids leaving triggered the begining if his desent into the darkness. By the time I’d moved back he was teterring in the edge . I should have been more careful with him. Well I don’t think any of us know when another person us about to lose it.When it does happen we too lose our minds almost. So do they come back ? Nobody can predict the future. I think you must have faith in God to get through this.For if not for him I’d be locked up by now.. You must go on with your life. You must make as many happy memories with your children , famuly and friends. You must start a new hobby and embrace your life .and do not allow your loved one that left to destroy you too. Which they don’t mean too, it just happens if we don’t keep our distance from them. Give them rhw space they need to find themselves. Give them books and write a letter a few times a month and mail it to where they are. Do not say to much.and remind them they atw not alone
If they allow you to take them to get help. If they refusw help like my ex then let them learn the hard way. Do not allow them to drain you.. seek out a support group. Also avoid people that think they know it all. They will only drive you mad.keep away from negative pushy people. Seek help through support groups prayer thearpy etc. You have to continue to live your life. Will it be hard? Will you breakdown at times? Yes!! Yes you will because your human . Try yoga or work more hours keep yourimd busy. At some point you will either let go of your husband wife etc or continue to wait. No situation is the same. Remember you are important too. The world does nor revolve around your partner. You must move on and continue to live a happy life. if you do not you will fall down the rabbit hole too. Or land in Oz .. good lycl and god bless everyone !! Hugs
kerry says
UPDATE
my husband told me the weekend he could probably see himself coming home one day but not yet ,that is a big improvement for the last 6 months he as said he can never come home ,hopefully the meds are kicking in and there is light at the end of the tunnel
Devan says
Okay so about a week ago my husband of 13 years said he’s leaving me and our kids b/c he doesn’t think he loves me. Then he tells the kids I push him away. So I finally convinced him to speak to a therapist because he stated that ever since his father passed away about 15 years ago he feels empty, big hole that can’t love anyone and feels that he is hold ong is back. After speaking to the therapist as an eval they stated he had severe depression, and possibly treatment wouldn’t work to help him. So I have asked him several times to seek medications and then possibly goin back to therapy but he refuses. Then one night taking he got tearful and apologized for being a worthless husband and father, I reassured him that he isn’t. He still apologizes to me for supposivly ruining things and I cont to reassure him he doesn’t. He also says he has to find himself. And then he’ll come up with all theses “what if” statements about therapy and how it will go, or hell say he doesn’t want to go that deep and talk about it cause he doesn’t want to know the ending. He is still at our house, we sleep in separate rooms, we talk occasionally. Then last night I asked and he said he’s looking at a place to rent this week:-( I Dnt want him to leave, we all love him and want to help him. But I Dnt know how to do this.. And neither my kids or I know how to act or what to say to him. I’m lost, empty and sad… And Dnt want him to go
Devan says
He will also still hug me too…
kerry says
why are they so nasty? he’s been gone 6 months now he rings me most days. i rang him today to tell him about one of the children and its like ive done something wrong by ringing him he said i should only ring him if its a emergency, and i said to him u rang me 19 times in 15 minutes the other day and he put the phone down on me i know there ill but i don’t know how long i can stand this ,ive been married to him for 20 years and he just changed over night
Shauna says
It’s been 4 weeks since my fiancé moved out of our home I’d been feeling really lonely and unloved for awhile now and became emotional for reasons I couldn’t understand we never talked about he’s feelings seemed like he didn’t have any and he’d lost interest in us and our recently turned 3 year old son he hasn’t worked since we met but has been trying just never got lucky always knew he lacked confidence in he’s abilities but he never showed any emotions so we just didn’t talk about it but since getting engaged I felt he had got ton more distant than usual so began to think it was me he just didn’t fancy me anymore he made no effort in making dates just went along with everything I suggested which was starting to grate on me a lot and constant thinking about it and asking him about it ( which it just shoved under the carpet and said nothing) I told him I thought we needed a break from each other just for a few days living under each other’s feet wasn’t good for us anyway or our little man so I presumed he’d go to he’s parents get a reality check and come back with open arms but instead sold the car moved to an apartment and said he felt in cappable if loving me and our boy which completely threw me because everyone knows how great he is and has been a huge part in Dylan’s life he had done just as much as I have done so I was shocked to say the least and angry he sold the car how was he gong to see us and how would we work it out why couldn’t he fight for he’s family so many questions went through my head, 3 days later I get a call and a message saying goodbye he loved us both and we we’re better off without him thankfully we got to him in time I feel it was more of a cry for help because deep down I know there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to leave. It was then I realised depression had been taking over and for quite some time he’s seeing a doctor every week which hasn’t pet scribed him medication and hasn’t given him any diagnosis and he’s seeing a counsellor once a week which I’m going with him tomorrow to see what he’s telling her, he has totally detached himself from us at home he’s back living with he’s parents and his mum is worried too we just can’t get through to him he’s never once asked how any of us are said sorry for what he’s done and seems more interested in playing computer games and watching football then what’s going on at home I’m devasted my heart is breaking for me and our little boy who thinks the world of him I think about it all the time instantly when I wake through out the day I’m thinking what’s he doing and I’m missing just having him here to talk to I go to bed early and read all about depression and everyone’s stories which has been a huge help in realizing I’m not the only one.. If I could have one question answered it would be how do I get him to realised this is an illness and not just him he seems to think he’s wired wrong and he’s incaple of love or being loved how do I get him to care about what he’s throwing away without pushing him away because right now he is adamant that he won’t b coming home.. Which will have to be ok if that’s really what he wants but I don’t want him to miss out on being a dad because only seeing him once a week for the last month has been extremely hard and without him ringing or texting to see if we are dead or alive is just so scary
Annie says
Shauna I am experiencing some of this too. My DH is so disconnected from our children and me. He gets triggered around them. It’s so difficult because he is such a great father to them and this illness has completely made him numb. He became aggressive and lashed out on me during a discussion about his therapy so I told him it was best to not have him in the house until we could feel safe. He did not hurt me but he could have. I’ve chosen to be supportive of him even though he has made some very destructive choices over the last few months and completely removed me from his emotions. His dr changed his meds and he has been seeking more intensive therapy in addition to seeing his therapist. I miss not having him at home but I make an effort to see him and make and go to appointments with him. It’s so painful dealing with the push and pull of it. Some days I see what may be a glimmer and then nothing. I pour out me love and get nothing on return. I feel like I’m initiating all contact and he is just going through the motions. I think we finally found a program that he is willing to go through. He still doesn’t want to come home until he’s done some work in therapy building skills he so desperately needs. So all I can say is if he doesn’t want to see you there is not much you can do to change his mind but you can influence him if he is still responding to calls, emails or texts. I know how much hurt you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me to know I’m not alone. Nothing is hopeless and people CAN change.
Best
Amanda says
I would like to start off by thanking everyone for sharing their own experiences of living with a depressed partner on this site. I’ve spent numerous hours over the past month or so reading various articles and individual posts on this site.
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 5 months ago and 3 and a half month ago he left our home. This occurred after months of him working lots of overtime, spending little time with family and friends, drinking most evenings, complaining of aches and pains and experiencing insomnia.
Since my ex decided to break up with me and move out, like practically every woman that has posted on this site, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. One week he would be sorry for leaving and want to resolve issues, but the next I would receive emotional abuse. At first I believed when my ex broke up with me that I was a horrible partner toward him. After all, I was being told that I had caused him nothing but upset and stress that no-one else caused him on a daily basis. My first thought was that I need to get help from a professional to become a better person who would be loved in a relationship. After a couple of sessions I began to feel better about myself and felt a change for the better; I became more confident and happy. My ex thought it was fantastic but as soon as I suggested he seek professional help his attitude changed. Just recently it dawned upon me that perhaps my ex has been depressed for most of his adult life and that I mistook his depression as mood swings/being over tired/under pressure from work. My professional suggested that perhaps my low self esteem suited my ex at the time as I was more than happy to take responsibility for anything that went wrong in our relationship.
Over the past couple of months despite moving out my ex has still been speaking to me/seeing me and telling me how he is still feeling depressed. However he refuses to seek professional help and thinks he can work through it alone. More recently the more I try to suggest help/a solution the more verbal and emotional abuse I have received to the point where I avoid conversations with him about anything other than every day topics. A lot of the time now I am ignored or he will not engage in any form of conversation with me unless he feels like he wants to speak with me. I took great comfort in reading the article on this site about depressed men shutting their partners out, but not completely, but far enough just so they felt comfortable and knew you were there if they needed you.
Just yesterday, two days after I spoke with him and he said he would talk to me about the way he was feeling, he told me he cannot stand that ‘I am so happy’ and ‘it’s like I’m on happy pills’. I was then told that he blames me completely for the way he feels and it is all my fault for him not wanting to be in a relationship and for him not wanting a family. As if that was not enough I was then told that he is happy now and that I shouldn’t bother him anymore because he will deal with his problems without any help, and that he has wasted 4 years of his life with me and it is now time for him to get his revenge. As I’m sure you can imagine I was left completely baffled by his conflicting points.
My family and friends think I should move on, but again like most women I am clinging (unfortunately) to the memories that I have where we were blissfully happy and I want those times to return.
Does anyone have any useful advice?
Alice says
Amanda
Our situations our similar. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. He too has always been moody.He has not been over to our home since late may.He has paid all the bills up until Oct. I received an email from him saying he was solo stressed out and couldnt handle all the bills anymore.I have offered money to him in emails. All he needed to do was come get it.If course that was to hard for him. He has never told me he wants me to leave his home. Hus last email told me I dont want to throw you out either. I’m giving you time . Which is confusing me since he’s not giving me a date to move. Nor has he ever told me it was over? His actions tell me and my friends n family he loves us still. And I cant help but hope he will one day return. I keep mysejf busy but there are days like today where I can’t seem to sleep. Well I pray your situation is better. If not hold on there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel were in.
kerry says
My depressed husband left me 4 months ago he comes ounce a week to see the children and rings me every day to ask what i’ve been doing he said he can never come home so why does he ring me every day? some have said its out of guilt, i don’t know if its the best thing for me to answer to him he never talks about us just everyday things i don’t know what to do for the best i do want him back he has been on meds 3 weeks now
K says
Kerry, your husband thinks he can’t come home because his illness is making him think that way. It’s great that he still rings every day and I would recommend you continue to just treat him like a friend and not put any relationship pressure on him.
The fact that he is now on medication is also a good thing, but please be aware that it could take some time for it to start working properly. The Depression Fallout message board is a fantastic place to receive advice from people who are going through the same thing.
kerry says
k
thank you for your advice he has been told recently there is a problem with his thyroid levels i wonder if it could have anything to do with the depression he is suffering.i’ve not read any success stories of depressed spouses going back home
K says
I believe that low thyroid levels can cause depression and hopefully he will be treated for this.
Depressed spouses sometimes do come back, but you are unlikely to read many success stories because once the couple are back together, they rarely post again on sites like this.
Kelly says
Help! This is exactly what I’m going through! How do I save my marriage and save my husband?!
Stephanie Rowan says
My husband and I would have been married 20 years this Oct and together 22. We have a daughter that will be 18 and a son that is 16. We have been best friends and have been through the good, the bad and at time the ugly. However, we had many good times. We come from two great extended families and are surrounded by good friends. My husband had a business for 10 years and at the age of 40 we decided that it was time to close it down as he was hitting burn out and it was not worth the amount of time away from the kids and I. He started a normal good paying job 5 years ago this year. Whenever he appeared stressed, we always were able to talk. I started a career as well so that we could make the changes. (I was always home PT with the kids and family helped) My job does come with stress due to my responsibilities, but we both allowed ourselves to vent and then move on. For over 19 years we made a point of waking up at 6:00 am to have coffee and conversation, then we both had a routine between kids, the dog and getting ready for work. We did this because after dinner, we had limited schedules that revolved around the kids and to also just have time to hang out as a family, get organized for the next day etc. Money had been a stress because we did not declare bankruptcy and we had refinanced our mortgage. Even though we both make good salaries, we still deal with all the everyday expenses. We do however have a family cottage to escape to, took the kids camping, entertained family and friends at home. We took the kids on annual ski trips close to home, we did almost everything as a family and then as the kids got older we each had some of our own hobbies. he would go fishing, I would go with my daughter on short trips. However, we very seldom spent time alone doing things. We did take mini dates from time to time and our sex life had no concerns. My husband just appeared to hit this funk during a large job he was overseeing. This job was over a course of 2 years. Last May I noticed his appearance was off, he started to gain weight, drinking just became frequent and he just would always lounge on the couch after work. I would ask him if he wanted to go out, if he was depressed, demonstrated concern over his weight and his drinking etc. Any arguments we had, appeared to be normal married arguments. Some heated, but I thought we resolved this as we would always then have normal chats in the am and I at times explained what made me happy, what hurt by what was said etc. He started to turn this into more anger every time and it started to feel that he would place blame on me overreacting etc. In fall of last year I noticed him losing weight, I then noticed just a change that seemed different. I was complimentary, but it just seemed like he did not hear me. I started to notice a text that had x0:) from a woman that was overseeing the job that he was also overseeing as the vendor. This was sent by between each of them to indicate he was home safely. They celebrated the wrap up of this job with other contractors. I was very hurt by this as prior to our relationship it took me 3 years to get into a serious relationship due to a boyfriend that cheated. He knew how much this hurt and how much I appreciated that I could trust him. He use to say at least he is one who stays home and has a drink when he could be out at the bar and doing other things like some people we know. He then started blaming me for making him feel guilty for going on fishing trips, snowmobiling every Sunday, took up hunting. I told him I do not mind as I think we both need to have our own hobbies and at the same time date. Our kids are older. I started thinking more to this text and then in Nov 2013 I discovered some intimate texts, that he called her babe, went by his middle name, she said i can’t wait to lay with you. This devastated me. He panicked when he got caught and promised me nothing happened, they are good friends. So 9 months since, he just got more depressed. He disclosed to our daughter when he was 17 he held a gun to his head, she now is worried for him. He insists he is not suicidal. He has admitted to getting help, but never did. His parents played tough love and his dad too is in a state of depression (had midlife and drank back at this age too) Whatever his parents said put him into a further state. We could not communicate without arguing and him becoming angry at me. He said I irritate him on everything I do. He kept telling me he ended it with her and always got mad at me for bringing this up. (He called her the day I found the texts to end it while I was with him) He however would not be transparent with me and my trust for him was not there. He would get caught with a text from her and insisted it was work related or would lie that he had not contact. When I found out, I did lose it and became emotional. He took off one night for a 6 hr walk and then 2 days later for 8 hours. Both times at night and returning at 1-2 am. We would go looking for him, kids were worried, I was sick to my stomach. He promised the kids when he returned he would not do this again, he so far has not. (He has done this 3 other times in our relationship) I just never picked up on it. Prior to this walk, he would sleep with me and we seemed to work on things a little. However when I would confront him on how we are doing, he turned into this mean person I did not know. He would tell me there is no change, he loves me but not the same way, he said his mind is foggy, he can work this out himself as he always have, he then would get angry place blame , say our marriage was over a long time ago, 10 years, 5 years, 2 years, months, there was no consistency. This was killing me and the kids and our families as he started becoming more silent and pushing everyone close away. On July 7th after my return from a much needed mini vacation to see my sister he told me he is leaving. He just literally left. Stayed in a trailer for a week at a nearby campsite, would come and go and it just seemed strange. Then all of a sudden he said he found this place with free rent, he was to watch the house while this person travelled. Just in a period of 2 weeks, I found out this woman is best friends with the ladies who’s home it is, she bought a house near by. Last year her marriage was coming to an end and she left her husband after therapy, she has a young son. She said she does not love him anymore and he was devastated (we met for the first time as it became a small world, he needed to know for closure as he was blaming himself) She comes from a family that all divorced within the same time as her marriage was falling apart, she suffers from depression and is on medication. Through all this she became emotionally involved with my husband by asking him for a hug and discussing her problems. Last week my gut told me he’s home alone and I just felt like she was there, I drove by and all of a sudden she was walking up his driveway at 11:00 pm. I confronted both, she was in porch and he was just sitting in living room. She finally left but threatened me to leave. I laid into him and he just said so many hurtful things. I told him to move everything out (he still was doing the living there, coming home and doing things at home) He literally just up and left me, the kids and the dog. I am exhausted mentally, physically and I am seeking help and I have been medicated so I am coping well on my job and for most of the time. That night he said he is not in a relationship and that I am spreading rumours, he said he had no idea it was a friends house and that he did not know she lived near by. (I found each of this out within a week and called him on everything, I know he is lying but he insists I am nuts) He told me in a very mean tone that our marriage was over a long time ago and it is not about her. I felt like I was being punched in the stomach. He even took the kids out for a talk (I told him they need him) and he told them he has never been in a relationship with this women. To-date he is getting more angry and will not communicate with me. He tells me I am a stalker and he is tired of my e-mails. I do not know this man and I am ready to throw in the towel. I have been patient, attempt to be forgiving and supportive knowing he needs help. However, I can’t take it anymore. It is like he has forgotten his life with me and our families and found newness. He keeps saying this is what he wants. He at one time compared me to her and this hurt. We will be meeting next week over the next step and this is because I had to initiate it. He insists it is just another one of my threats. I must add, he did threaten at Christmas after drinking and me being suspicious of his phone to push me down the stairs if I did not let him go. It was -25 out and I knew he would go walking. We live near a bush and this scared me so I did everything I could till he would just go lay down on the couch. Then a month ago he got a text from her and I told him I had it, I asked him to show me his phone as it was in my hand, he aggressively took my wrist, twitted it and held me to the ground till I dropped it. He became emotional and said he is so much his dad now and I do not want him, he is messed up. I again attempted to support him. My son saw this and told him to stop. He’s a good man, but I am afraid he will have destroyed everything in his state and it will be too late. I can’t live like this or be strong for my kids if I stay in this marriage. Will he ever get better? Will us separating legally be a trigger for him to realize he can get help before it is too late? I am rambling, but it is because I am forever trying to figure out what happen to the man I love.
MR says
I am so sorry to hear about your pain and suffering. I too am in a very similar situation and am trying to survive. I recently started counseling on my own to help me. This is the first time in our 18 year marriage that I am putting my needs first. Throughout our relationship he has always insisted that he wanted more, more sex, a nicer house a more expensive car, never satisfied with the here and now, and never really enjoyed the small gifts of life. His father committed suicide when he was 7 and his family forgot to tell him until he was 29. He recently went on a work detail where he was treated like a king and because I would not move the family there ( our oldest kids are in high school) he returned home and told me that he has not been happy with out marriage of or a long time. I feel like we have have a wonderful family life and marriage and I was looking forward to our retirement together. This really caught me off guard. He lost 35 pounds and is bleaching his teeth yet denies having an affair while on the detail. ( I don’t believe him). He has been home for 3 months and cries almost every day. He has been in counseling for 3 weeks to work on himself to try to understand why he is so unhappy, but claims that he is not depressed. Shortly after he began therapy he proclaimed that our intimate relationship was over, I was devastated realizing that he was really ending things with me. He insists on living in our home while he goes through “his” pain while not caring about mine. I do believe that he is in a very deep depression but until he can see that he is seeking the wrong kind of treatment, and I can’t make him see his depression.. I think the best advice for both of us is that we promise eachother that we take care of ourselves. Starting with the little things, getting a manicure or doing some form of exercise. It sounds like you are a very strong woman and focusing on your needs will lift you up. I hope that it helps to know that you do not have to go through this alone.
Alice says
I’m afraid for my husband. We have been together for over 8 years, married for a year and a half. After reading some of these comments, I’m afraid if I don’t do something then this will also be MY fate.
Last night, he suggested moving 11 hours away from our families. We both grew up in the same town and have purchased a house 15 minutes away from our families. Two years ago, this was exactly what we wanted. We were on the same page. Within those two years he’s lost a lot of his close friends to either moving or growing apart. Within the last few months, he’s been heavily drinking and contemplating calling his Dad (who left five years ago, never to be seen again) because he’s angry and wants to talk to him. I’ve been worried that this has been causing his anger and frustration. Within the last year he has also given up on his career dream (this might be for the best) which is leaving him with no GOAL to achieve. He’s just going day by day working and sleeping… working and sleeping. Within the last month, he’s also started finding reasons to not come home until late at night. He’s always where he says he’s going to be (GPS on his phone, so I know he’s not cheating), but why does he need to go to Walmart at 11 at night?
I will admit that I’m a doormat when it comes to my husband’s needs. I try my hardest to cook, clean and make him happy all while working full time and going to school full time. I married him and fully expected to bend over backwards to make him happy, because I’d rather be unhappy with a happy husband. I am a good wife, even if he doesn’t think so.
Last night, he said he wanted to move. He said he wanted change and that he was bored with is life here. He said he was bored with me and that we didn’t have the excitement in our life that we used to. We just come home from work, watch TV and go to sleep. He wants more to life, and wants to move to another state to achieve that. He’s been spending money like crazy, right when we’re at a time I need to save money (to get my degree, I have to do a 4 month, unpaid internship. I’m trying to save every dime, since I now wont have income, and he’s spending anything he can get his hands on).
I’m afraid his reaction here is that he’s running away from his problems, and thinks a new city will solve them. I’m all for trying to make us “not boring,” but moving away from both of our families seems extreme. Does anyone have any suggestions on if they think this is caused by depression, or what I should do before he up and leaves?
kerrie says
My bf of 8.5 years left me last week. I had a strange feeling it was coming, but in the back of my mind, I always thought whatever problems we had, we could work it out. We always have before, so it was like a hammer coming down when he just gave up.
My bf has changed dramatically over the last few months and maybe a bit longer. He has suffered a great deal of personal loss, beginning with the death of his father several years ago. Then his ex father-in-law, a co-worker’s wife, and more recently 2 close friends, one withered slowly from brain Cancer and one suddenly in a car crash, as well as his favorite uncle. My bf has always been somewhat negative, but lately he is angry at every thing: his job, his truck, me, the dog, people in general. Despite his negative outlook, he always made me feel safe and loved. When we did have a problem, he would assure me that he loved me and felt he wouldn’t make it with anyone if he didn’t make it with me. It seems like everything suddenly changed after the death of his friend and uncle. He started isolating from me. Spending all his free time playing computer games or sitting in front of the computer in silence. Going out with his friends rather than spending time with me. Not having sex or any meaningful conversation. He also began drinking excessively, which had never been an issue before. I would try to check in with him, but I mostly let him be so I wouldn’t aggravate him further. He did confide in me recently when I asked if he thought a bj would help his mood. He declined and said he was no longer interested in sex and didn’t think anything would help him. He suggested not being alive would be helpful. I took this statement offensively and after reading all kinds of things online, I fear I reacted inappropriately. I asked how he could possibly feel that was an option with all the love we have in our home. (I have a daughter who adores him and considers him her father) I told him he was being selfish. After calming down, I offered to find a grief counselor, but he refused. Last Sunday he drank so much he fell down and my daughter helped him up. He later puked and passed out. The next day I came home from work and he was packing his things. He told me it was over and that we didn’t get along anymore. I objected because we rarely even fought. We used to have so much fun. We shared the same sick sense of humor. We enjoyed the same t.v. shows, music, cars, food, etc. When we had sex it was always good, maybe a little stale, but still good. I couldn’t imagine how things could have gotten so bad that he was ready to give up on all we had. Now he is gone and my heart has been ripped from my chest. For a week I have been choking down my tears trying to function. All I want to do is throw myself on the ground and cry. I lost my partner, my confidant, my best friend, my soul mate. I went from havng someone I shared everything with to a stranger who won’t talk to or even look at me. After reading all kinds of information online, I believe he is depressed, but what can I do now that he is gone? I am a very sensitive person, myself, so I am very careful about leaving myself vulnerable. I have not attempted to see or contact him since he left because the thought is just too painful. Is it too late to do something? Should I do something or leave it alone? I wish I would have recognized what was happening sooner 🙁
Monica says
Let him be. You did nothing wrong. Stay strong and focus on your daughter. You don’t need someone like this around your child! He knows what he is doing.
Alice says
I fear your man maybe on drugs and doing other things like stepping out on you.I’m a lot older thsn you I think so I’ve been through alot of crap in my.life. I’ve lived years with a man that cheated and drank.in fact 12 years ..Then another 2 with my youngest sons donor who was on drugs and acted strange too. Drugs change a person overnight.you can’t always know whose on drugs . Your ex sounds mentally unstable. Many self medicate with street drugs and achole etc because they are to sick to get help. A somewhat sane person will see they are sick and get help before their life goes down hill. Yet dome need to lose it all before they get help. You must learn that you don’t need another person and sex etc to be happy. Your child needs you more than any man or woman. To be honest I’m enjoying my break from my boyfriend. While he’s off pouting and acting like a child I’m finding me. I rather like the person I’m becoming . I do not need anybody god n my kids.. sure have friends n other family but nothing is more important than my kids n God.. I suggest you focus on you. I suggest we all find ourselves and we will become wiser better human beings in the end.. one last tip you should never need any one. You should want them in your life. Be self suffcient and always save money for a rainy bdau. Never let a spouse or signifcant other know you have money set aside. Always be ready and have a plan B!
Sarah says
My husband finally physically left me but he mentally left over 15 years ago. He has never been diagnosed but he has a strong family history of depression, bipolar depression, alcoholism, OCD and suicide. I have my own issues of depression but I feel they were made greater because of the abandonment I felt from him. He was loving, attentive, thoughtful and gentle. And I still love him. We were together 32 years. But he pulled away emotionally and physically. And of course there was never any issues to talk about, as he obsessively avoided them by over working, long hours at the gym and obsessively cleaning the house. Then he turned to pornography and alcohol. Then even more alcohol. We spent so little time together and I was alone and lonely. We are divorcing and he seems much happier without me. And that breaks my heart because I want the person I married back. He finally got the courage to end our marriage as so many men do, by finding another woman.
teri says
You’re article and the blogs have been a blessing. Not long ago the man who is the love of my life started exhibiting the same signs. I had no idea what was wrong.I believed it was the alcohol.I have tried everything but with no good results. Now I know what needs to be done.Thank you so much for educating me.