I’ve written a lot about the form of depression in which men look outside themselves to find the cause for an inner pain that simply can’t be faced. They may feel anger, rage, a longing to act out fantasies, or a compulsion to blame and abuse those closest to them. That side of depression is the most aggressive and obviously damaging to relationships of all kinds. In my experience, it is not the only phase of severe depression that can cause a man to leave his partner, whether that departure is a literal one or an emotional withdrawal that can be just as destructive.
In looking back at what I’ve been through, I realize that I’ve lived at various times in four different mind/feeling states over decades of chronic depression. In the past, I have behaved differently as I felt in turn each one. Each in its own way has threatened relationships of all kinds, most vitally with my family but also with colleagues at work and with many friends. Thinking of these separately is more helpful to me than listing them as differing signs of one condition. They may well be that, but describing them this way has spurred me to recognize more quickly what I am starting to feel and do, and so take action to reverse what is happening.
Briefly, what I have felt in these different phases looks like this:
- angry, obsessive, blaming, looking outward for causes
- empty, lacking all feeling and attachment
- despairing to the point of suicidal thinking
- apparently restored but convinced it’s only a temporary reprieve
Angry
One is the aggressive side of depression that has probably not yet come to full awareness (“covert” in Terrence Real’s description). This is the mindset of looking to external circumstances, often focusing on family, as causes of inner hurt or emptiness. It leads to the destructive blame, rage, sense of being trapped, longing to escape, etc. that I’ve written about in several posts. Thinking can become fiercely obsessive and paranoid, finding threats, malevolence, betrayal everywhere. The anger, even rage, can explode at my family for little or no apparent reason. That is immediately hurtful and damaging. It turns intimacy on its head and puts in its place the drive for complete control.
Empty
Another phase involves the loss of feeling about everything and a kind of removal from human attachment. Nothing is painful or pleasurable, and nothing matters much. I’ve imagined feeling “fine” in this state while really distancing myself from my family and co-workers. I’m standing in place but no longer there. The effect is an understated absence that is no less hurtful than raging outbursts. I have a brief story about this in the next post.
Despairing
Depression comes to a different sort of crisis when I’ve felt extreme despair and shame about being me. It’s then I’m constantly tearing myself apart, obsessing on every mistake, every failure – and everything looks like failure. Freud’s early description of anger turned inward fits this exactly. Thoughts of suicide are common because I feel this me isn’t worth enough to keep alive. Of course, that means I’ve blotted out the love of my wife and family and feel I’ve failed as well in those relationships. I can’t even hear the words when my wife and close friends offer love and support. My family can only be baffled and hurt at my inability to be present and constant hiding away in solitude. Often, I’m actively pushing them away because I can’t face dealing with anyone.
Restored
I want to include a fourth state because it appears to be the “normal” one. One day I wake up and feel fine – I’m restored to my “real” self. My mind is working again, I can handle anything that comes my way. Once more, I’m the responsive, loving husband, father, son. The problem is that, even when it’s happening, I believe this “recovered” state is unstable. After a good day or week or month, I’m certain I’ll wake up and find myself in the midst of one of the destructive states – or it might just arrive without my being aware of the change. What that means, as I see it now, is that my real self isn’t whole, isn’t recovered. I don’t trust myself, and my wife can’t trust me either. I could turn on her or shut her out in a flash when I disappear again.
……..
I have my own stories to tell about each of these, but first I’d like to ask a question. What has it taken to restore trust in a relationship damaged by any of these behaviors? Has it been at all possible in your experience to come back from the emotional impact and regain the love and closeness you once knew? Thank you for anything you can offer for the rest of us.
My husband has now left me. He left three weeks ago but only last night properly told me that it’s over. I feel sad because I found this site yesterday and now it’s too late to help. He has struggled with depression a lot over the 16 years we’ve been together. Although he never called it that and never would ask for help, I helped him through all of it.
Over the last 2 years drink has been a massive problem. He is unrecognisable now. I think I got caught up with the immediate and obvious effects of his drinking and stopped focussing on the depression. I tried everything I could and did everything I could but nothing could stop everything spiralling and when he was in a spital I couldn’t get through to him no matter what.
I feel completely broken by what I’ve been through. Worse than any of it though is the emptiness I feel now I’ve lost him. And the frustration I’m left with knowing that he has chosen a life which is not going to help him over us, drinking with people over ten years younger than him who have demonstrated just how little they care about him and sleeping on couches with no plans of how things are going to change… it’s a nightmare. I feel like I gave it my all but if there was anything left I could do to help him heal and to help him be the man he used to be and help him face up to and deal with the things he has done well then I would… I am struggling to give up on him when I love him and care about him and when all of this seems like such a massive waste of his talents and of out hard work and struggle over the years to get to where we are. I feel also like it’s such a massive waste of the future we could have had. Everyone I have told he has left me have been shocked and upset they all say we seemed so strong and a proper team that we’d got through so much together they thought we’d last forever. That’s how I felt and it breaks my heart to hear the man I love tell me this isn’t how he sees it and that everything is black.
He has said he can’t cope with life he knows it’s selfish but he can’t cope with the daily grind, he says he hates his job, he says he hates me “nagging” about his drink, he says he hates the kids being difficult at tea time and school time. He says things like IRS always been terrible and forgets his amazing our life has been at times and that is tough to hear but also makes me think there’s no way through to him to see sense because he has told himself a dishonest story and his brain isn’t allowing him to see the truth.
My daughter told me that she knew he wasn’t the sane man when they watched a Simpsons episode together, it was about Homer messing up and drinking and losing Marge. She said she felt it was just like what was happening to us and it made her cry. He has regularly cried at the Simpsons but this time he didn’t even seem to notice. I know that’s a little thing but it wasn’t to her and I understand why.
I am just so so sad and sorry that this has happened and a very much want him to be OK.
I know it’s been several years now but how are you doing? My partner of over 15 years has done something very similar. I’m trying to put my life together and it’s damn hard. Thank you for sharing
My boyfriend has been depressed for a while but recently has cut all communication with me pretty much. He says that he really isn’t okay and that he doesn’t know what he is going to do. He barely makes it through the day. Hws sorry for letting me down and he never meant to hurt me. He needs to focus on himself. I said I’m not going anywhere and I’m here. I said I wanted to help him. He said no one cam help him. But thanked me for being there. I told him I hurt that he’s hurting and I wish I could take his pain away. I told him I love him. I’d give him his space to figure it all out. But I’m not bailing on him. I told him I’d do whatever he needed. I just don’t know if I did the right thing or how to help him. I’m so worried. What do I do.
Hi Amanda, my name is Amanda too and I could have sworn that I wrote your post. Have things gotten better? Any updates?
Hi Amanda,
My guy is depressed and just broke up over my my questioning him on an incident he refused to answer. Blamed the failure of us all on me( days b4 took accountability for not being responsible). He refuses any communication. I’ve had it with him. I’ve been supportive and loving.. Has anything changed with u guys? Thanks
Suzanne
Hi Amanda,
I was shocked when reading your post because my story is so similar to yours. My boyfriend of then 7 months has started to become a completely different person in February/March this year. He’s turned from the most loving, loveable guy in the world to an extremely cold individual. He’s also told me then that he’s suffering from depression (which he had never told me before, nor were there ANY signs and he said up until this year, he had feld perfectly fine and happy).
He’s in therapy now (well, only every 5 weeks and he has only been there twice, so far), started medication a few days ago and has broken up with me several times over the last few weeks. Last week, he said it’s definite and irreversible and that he’s still deeply in love with me and misses me like crazy – but that he couldn’t be in a relationship right now.
He said that our long-distance relationship has caused his depression because he couldn’t deal with me being so far away. That he just misses me too much. We were planning on moving in together next year, but he said that he couldn’t wait another month because he’s feeling so miserable. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t move immediately and when I wanted to come see him on Monday (I was about to buy plane tickets), after having listened to him telling me 28349202 times that he needs me there, badly, he told me to stay home and that this would be the worst timing ever since he’s so busy.
Yesterday was a very good day on which he had repeated that several times and was very talkative and kind in general. He had told me that he would still care about me, so much, and love me deeply. Today, it’s the exact opposite. He’s cold as ice and has just told me that he wants to sleep with other women and is already looking for one.
This is seriously killing me on the inside. I’ve scheduled an appointment for myself at a local psychological crisis institution (they also help spouses of depressed people) for next week – but after having heard *this*, I don’t even know how to make it through the rest of the day today.
I’ve asked him to please rather stop talking to me altogether today because I can’t handle it anymore and he replied by telling me that he’s just being honest and if I wanted him to lie to me. Never ever in my life have I been hurt like this before.
I left my most recent ex due to his depression. He’s getting help now, but I didn’t stick by his side.
I feel really bad because I know he needs someone, and he is really hurting. I know we love each other and he doesn’t mean me any harm
I’m not sure if people still use this but it’s worth a try. I met a man 10 years older than me with 2 children. At first he was amazing, always asking to take me out and make a lot of time for me.
He lost a child at 2 months old and around the birthday of the child who died I noticed him becoming very distant. He turned to alcohol a lot and when he was drinking it was as though he is a different person. A few months on from this he suddenly said he doesn’t want to have anymore children. At first I said if he doesn’t want more children then I can’t be with him. He has suffered depression on and off for years and I didn’t know if it was because of the depression that was making him think like this. I asked him if it was the depression. He said he doesn’t know it might be but he’s not sure.
We met up a few times however it always me saying to meet up and I would go over to his. He tried to phone me before I went over to tell me not to come but I said I need my answers. When I went over he was drinking and this was a weekday and he has work the next day. We discussed everything, he said he feels he has lost his bond with his children and he can’t see me every weekend. He lives at home and says he feels so down about living in a “box room”. I said I’m not asking him to choose between his children and me that I would do things with them aswell. He said he doesn’t know if he can be in a relationship the now and he feels empty and as though he should be unhappy. When I left his we texted a couple of times and he said give me a couple of days to sort my head out. So after a couple of days I text him asking what’s going on with us. If we’re together I’ll help him through this and if not I’ll need to walk away. He said he will phone me the next day when he takes the children back home. He never phoned me and was online on Facebook and I could tell he was drinking which was a work night also. I then text him the next day and asked why was he doing this and accused him of cheating because he is constantly on Facebook but making no time to text me. He turned it around on me saying I’m probably speaking to other men. Eventually he said he doesn’t think he can 100% be in the relationship the now and he doesn’t want to hurt me and I deserve better than him. I explained that he was the best boyfriend before all of this and I wanted to help him through this. He said he doesn’t need anyone’s help and he will get through it himself and he is refusing to go see a doctor. He isn’t just depressed he is turning to drink where I worry he might be an alcoholic. His family members have died before with alcohol and I reminded him he doesn’t want to do this to his kids. He still gets them at the weekend and making time for work, but he constantly drinks and makes no time for me. I have tried to be there for him through all of this but feel it getting thrown back in my face. It seems I’m the only one getting the brunt of everything and he said it’s because I know most. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to be with me because he has fallen out of love with me even though he says he still loves me or if it’s because his throughts are telling him he can’t give me what I deserve. I’m really torn on what to do because I love him so much. I am heartbroken over this as before he was the nicest most caring person ever and now it is as though he has changed. It is like he has given up and got it into his head I deserve better than him and he can’t have a relationship the now. This confuses me as would you not want someone who you love and who loves you to help you through this. I’m really torn on what to do. I’ve messaged his mum about his drink addiction and sometimes drugs but she never replied and he got angry I told her. I feel hopeless, I know I love him and deep down he loves me but he has just given up. My family seem to think he just doesn’t want a girlfriend the now and to be single and make me feel worse about this because I had it in my head he would get better and we would go back to the way we were. Am I being naive ? I’ve tried to walk away but I constantly just want to text him to know he’s okay. I’m hurting so much right now. He was the happiest, nicest most amazing man before but I knew he has been depressed in the past. This is the first time being depressed in the relationship. Is anyone else experiencing this and could give any advice ?
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years has been going through a depressive episode for about two weeks. We got into a fight about how much he had been working and after that he started slipping into depression. He’s sleep was off, he wouldn’t be affectionate, he didn’t want to talk, he stayed on his phone, etc.
He has had depression a long time. In high school he started to get suicidal and went to a hospital them therapy. He has dealt with depression ever since.
I try to be as supportive as possible but it’s hard. He doesn’t say I love you back and plans the fight on me and the depression on that fight. He went out last night wanting to be alone and ended up making out with some girl. He said he stopped it because he thought of me and is sorry. But he is still depressed and not feeling anything. I want to work on things because I think he cheated because he was feeling worthless and numb and wanted to feel something different. It doesn’t make it ok but I love him. But idk if I’m just being delusional. Help!
Hi, is someone able to give me advice or clarification? My ex-boyfriend of six months and I began dating in January. He had depression before he met me and never did anything about it. He told me how I was all he needed and I was his “reason to get out of bed in the morning” and I got him through everything and made him happy. We were in love and everything was going great…until July, that was. He had told me that a few days after our six month anniversary he had started feeling different. “Every thing feels different, but nothing has changed”, he said, and that nothing made him happy like it used to. Not even me. My heart was shattered. The last time i saw him was the 21st, when he was planning on breaking up with me but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to. I told him everything is going to be okay and if he needs to break up with me to help him then he could. He was crying. Then I started crying and he told me that seeing me cry was the slap to the face he needed to get help. He started seeing a therapist. I’ve been giving him space, talking to him less, and seeing him less frequently. I waited a week and asked him if he wanted to come over. He told me that he doesn’t think he’ll be seeing me any time soon. We had still been talking and a few days later something happened. We always text “goodnight, love you” before we go to sleep. I said it and he just said “goodnight”. I was confused but didn’t do anything about it. The next morning I asked him if he loved me anymore and his answer was that he didn’t know. He broke up with me that day. He said nothing was my fault and it was all him. A few days later I contacted him and he said he just didn’t love me anymore and he was sorry. He also mentioned how he doesn’t feel anything, though. This makes me wonder if he truly fell out of love or if he thinks he doesn’t love me because he’s numb to any emotion. Or am I in denial? Please help
I have been with my husband for almost 6 years. He has been suffering from depression for almost 2 years from now and refuses to see a psychologist. We been to counseling and he insists that he must divorce me. Counseling was painful and I stopped going with him. He still went on his own for a while and does not feel like it’s helping. He said he does not know what he wants. He cannot be himself when he is with me. He pushed all his family away. Yelled at his mom and sibling. He also said he does not love me anymore. It’s extremely painful to be in this situation. Sometimes I even wonder if I love him anymore (or does it matter?) I am planning on moving out and file a divorce soon.
Hi Jenny… I know your post was over 3 years ago, but I hope you see this. Your situation is similar to mine although I am still insanely in love with my husband. He has been in and out of love with me a few times in the past few years. I know I have made mistakes but I am not accepting responsibility for all he is going through. He is on antidepressants now. It has helped some but he has gotten worse lately. So after telling me back in May he loved me again, today he said he doesn’t again. It isn’t fair to do this to me but I know it isn’t him. I told him that I am going to help him through this and he is not getting rid of me. He is considering counseling so that is positive. How did your situation end up?
Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly six years we have two little boys and even been engaged and also he asked me again a year ago. We’ve been going through this for the whole time we’ve been together but he is actually in denial that he is depressed but when under the influence of alcohol he tells me he is depressed and thinks about ending his life almost everyday but it’s his sons that stop him from doing this. There is a pattern with him he will get really low and then one thing that wasn’t a big deal will make him walk out our lives or he will do something purposely that will split us up and he’ll blame me for everything insult me and so on he’s even told me he doesn’t love me etc, then a few weeks will pass and then he comes back telling me how much he loves me and and we are everything to him, hes full of affection and so on but then 6-8 months later sometimes less we’re back to square one again. When we’re together we don’t argue he treats me to holidays city breaks for birthdays and valentines day we go out for meals etc. It’ll firstly start off wirh him not speaking he stops all affection no more telling me he loves me he gets angrier goes away to his bed really early. At the moment he has been away from us for nearly 5 weeks but still comes to see our sons doesn’t speak to me and doesn’t make eye contact but will text me asking me things nothing to do with us or what he’s doing though, just now he’s putting on a front acting like he’s happy that he’s not in a relationship or living with us which he usually does and puts everything into his work and training to keep him busy then the angry stage with the nasty texts etc will come then him wanting back. The thing is there are mental health issues in his family such as schizophrenia and also depression, but he will not go to the doctors he did go once but didn’t open up and tell the doctor everything so the doctor thought it was just day to day stresses that everyone goes through. Even though he blames me I know it’s not down to me because he was like this before I met him and thought he had manic depression but yet he’ll still put all the blame on me etc and be in denial about everything he’ll also lie and keep things from me and even accuse me of things that’s never happened. Right now I’m at a point whether I walk away for good or hang on to see if he’ll actually get help the hard thing is that I love him so much and we have two little boys, right now I don’t contact him unless it’s about our boys I’m hoping the space will give him time to think but then again there’s also a chance that he won’t get help and then move onto someone else. It’s such a hard thing to go through especially when kids are involved but how can he help us if he wont help himself…….
I feel so relieved that there are others experiencing the same. My partner of four years suffers from depression. We have a son who is now 3 years old, this weekend he walked out on us. I am absolutely devastated, we have supported him for almost two years. This man who I would do anything in the world for has displayed every single thing in this article has finally managed to push his family away. I just want to know it will get better and how could he just walk out while his son slept on with out a clue? I know he is ill but how can we make him see it. On his good days when we are all together as a family it is perfect why can’t he focous on that? I understand he will have black days but to throw it all away? We are both in the military and we do have to spend time apart and this is when he deteriorates badly, usually I can help him through and help him think of the good days. This week though he had it planned. As soon as I got through the door on Friday every single item he owned was gone from our family home and he said he was leaving, I even took him up to look at his sleeping son and asked him if he really was walking out of his boys life, he said nothing and left us. I hurt so badly it’s like some one is opening my chest and crushing my heart. I just hope he comes back to us once he hits rock bottom and then re builds
Hi Morwenna,
I understand your pain, as you can read below my info. Mine is gone and with a new girl now it appears. It’s so shocking and sad. He was never the type to have done that, but now I see it is a pattern for him and his depression. Your partner may come back, but if he does he may always cause issues for the rest of your lives. Focus on yourself and your child. Many times they do not come back and if they do, they are never the same 🙁 I am so sorry to be so blunt about it, but from my own experience and many blogs/forums, that seems to be the case…Hugs! Keep us updated
Hi its been 2years since your comment so you may not read this.I met my husband 4years ago.He swept me off my feet.My children from a previous marriage loved him.We got engaged.I knew he liked a drink and could be very moody on times and angry.But he hid it well not only from me and my family but he was in denial looking back.We got married and things got worse.I supported him through his admitting he had a drinking problem and getting help and support and his doctor told him he was suffering from bipolar and referred him to a psychiatrist who said he has had adhd all his life!He’s 50years old.He’s waiting on an appointment to see a specialist.Then things spiralled.He stopped taking his meds for bipolar and drank.I’ve recently found out he had a secret stash of bottles and topped up a bottle i could see to say he was drinking less.I felt like I was on a roller coaster and trying to keep it together for my kids and going to work.We were arguing and he said cruel things about my past.Then last year he just walked out on us.Moved all his things out a few days later and wouldn’t talk to me.I was devastated.We loved each other so much but he said he’s let us down and can’t do it anymore.We weren’t in touch for a few months i have him the space he needed.When we did get back in touch.He wanted to get help and try again.He went back on his meds, did a cognitive therapy course spoke to a counsellor for a few months and joined an AA group and had support and stopped drinking.Things were looking up he was starting to see life differently and was so positive.We got close again and he moved back in.Then a few months ago he was struggling with not drinking and went in himself.he shut me out and didn’t want to do anything with me and kids.I felt so alone and tried everything to help him.I was told i was nagging him andi was only trying to change him.I was only trying to make him feel loved and wantedTold me he rocks the balance of me and the kids and were better off without him.I was starting to feel not myself and wasn’t sleeping being snappy with the kuds.We were all walking in egg shells.He couldn’t deal with any family issues to do with kids and when one was naughty he’d not talk to her for days.Leaving a terrible atmosphere and us arguing because I didn’t agree with him.Just before xmas he went to his first AA meeting.I was so proud of him and went to a few more.Then we had a lovely afternoon out and lunch.Then we had a disagreement i slept downstairs and next day we’d split up.We both cried and still love each other but it just wasn’t working.I tried everything i could think of and i think I wanted to make him better.I was making myself unhappy and making sacrifices of the things I loved to do to support him.Im now day by day building on mine and kids happiness and starting to smile again.I ‘ve not heard from my husband since he moved out.I hope with all my heart he s not drinking again and his family are looking out for him.Anyone who reads this who s been through similar how did you cope?
Hi Morwenna,
Have things improved? I hope that time has given you some perspective and that you are on the path to healing. It is possible to heal a broken relationship, that is what this blog is all about. I have been with my husband for 20 years through some dark times. That being said, it is important for you to put yourself first and make sure you are healthy and happy. You cannot change him, or make him better. The only person you can change is you. I sincerely hope that things work out for you and you son.
Take Care,
How long do you stay? We’ve been married 26 years…he ran away over a year ago. He does provide financial support but only communicates randomly. He has totally cut off his amd my parents as well as me (except for random texts). His kids are mad at him but don’t want to tell him because they say he won’t change or care. How long until I move on? I don’t want to live like this.
My husband of just over a year (though we’ve been together for nearly 10) recently told me he’s reached an impasse in our relationship and can’t continue with it. His realization was brought on by us trying to become pregnant (we’re not). Apparently, he’s realized he doesn’t want to raise our kids in my faith, and doesn’t feel integrated – nor does he want to become integrated – in my family. He wants to end our marriage, and start a new life, where he can develop his own identity. Several other incidents surrounded this realization I can’t tell if his feelings are real, or brought on by depression, or both. For as long as I have known him, he has struggled with anxiety and addiction. His depression has gradually worsened over the years, and though he is seeking help and on meds, he uses both sporadically. Mental illness runs in his family, and he is clearly in a tremendous amount of pain. I also have real doubts about the future of our relationship. Though I love him – I am in love with him – I simply don’t know if I can contend with a lifetime of his demons – assuming he decides to stay, which is a big “if.” I don’t know if our relationship can recover from this strain, or if I can forgive him for the tremendous pain he caused me since his depression took a severe turn for the worse – 1.5 years ago. But I took vows, and I meant them. And how I can leave the love of my life when he is clearly in so much pain?
Right now, we have separated for the holidays to give each other a chance to breathe. Prior to this break, we attended two incredibly painful therapy sessions, and have another planned in the new year. I’m just searching for the strength to get through this time. I’m an action oriented person, so standing still – in limbo – is the hardest thing in the world for me.
Reading this made me feel I am not alone. I know your post is old but I am currently going through exactly the same thing! My husband and I got married almost 2 years ago and have been together for 10 years. He has struggled with depression since I’ve known him. Our relationship was always ups and downs break offs here and there etc. During one of our break ups when we were 20 I decided to turn to Christ and start practicing my faith. A year past and he wanted to get back. We did. We began dating this time I was already a believer. My faith always came in the way. Finally we learned to “compromise” he didn’t mind it anymore. But back to depression it has always been there. Through our relationship I can never make plans because I don’t know how he feels that day. Before we got into graduate school he was healthy eating right and exercising 3-4 times a week. While in grad school we were living apart since his program was 2 hours away. He began to be more depressed and I say on a spectrum. He’s always depressed on a good day it’s a 3/10 on a bad it’s 10/10. I guess I never realized the severity of his illness til now. We had finally been dating consistently for the last 5 yrs that and we decided to get married. For the last year of marriage has been difficult. He’s been depressed 10/10 since about middle of last year. I’ve tried to find a therapist, he’s been taking meds and they don’t help it’s just getting worse now that now I am going crazy. 5 months ago he started going to church with me got baptized and was doing well. And then a month ago he told me he didn’t believe in this and didn’t want to go to church anymore. I felt really betrayed. Meanwhile, depression was still there is still there. He’s constantly drinking and smoking. It’s gotten to the point where I feel I am drowning and I’ve given this person everything and tried to help him even through my faith and he does not change. He now gets angry easily, sometimes doesn’t come home, I am walking on egg shells. One day he loves me another day he doesn’t. He’s sometimes cold and distant. I am growing resentment towards him. I am angry because I am always giving and depression is so selfish. I am angry because my parents told me multiple times to leave him and I didn’t. Even god told me multiple times he wasn’t the man for me and I stayed for 10 yrs. Right now it has gotten so bad that I am falling depressed myself. The disappointment on the situation is too much. I saw marriage as something sacred and holy but I am honestly leaning towards divorce. I think okay he gets better and then what about 2 or 5 years from now and we are back at the same spot. And how at bigger stakes with kids? How am I going to handle it if I can’t do it now. I don’t have a partner 90% of the time when he is depressed. When he is not and is “himself” everything is great. But again he can be fine one day or hour and the next he’s cold and doesn’t feel anything. I find comfort that I’ve tried to help him for years and made this work but if I stay I am only going to drown more and his demons are too strong for me to battle. I’ve come to the realization that only god can help him if he wants to. I’ve done what I could and given it my all. I love him very much and care for him. I don’t think he realizes how deep my love for him is. But I constantly feel unloved because of depression, I’m constantly giving, I’m constantly putting my own values, wants, and needs aside for depression for 10 yrs. And I am tried. At the same time I don’t want to leave him because he’s my best friend and I love him. I also know what an amazing person and partner he can be when he is healthy. Yet again, this another sign god is giving me I need to walk away for now and let god do his thing because I’ve already tried to do it myself and failed. Right now all I know is I need to heal my mind and focus on being mentally healthy. I am in my last year of my graduate program and I gott have the strength to get through.