About a year ago, I wrote a series of posts about my experience with the fantasies of a better life that often prompt depressed men to leave their families. You can find the first of those stories here, here and here. Those brief pieces tell only a small part of a long and troubling story. To stay in recovery I have to know more, and so I’m starting a new series of posts specifically about why men want to leave, how we change, where we want to go.
Of course, this story is not mine alone. I’ve been there with many other men, and we’ve all been cold company. Whether depressed men leave by walking out or by emotional withdrawal or aggressive rage and abuse, they go through a baffling transformation and provoke the most devastating crisis for those who love them most. My own experience has been bad enough, but I read the same story and worse online each day. The pain, confusion and desperation are always fresh, even though repeated hundreds of times in forum after forum.
– He won’t look at me anymore. – Whatever I do is wrong. – I can’t understand the anger when he comes home after work – and I haven’t done a single thing. – If I ask him what’s wrong, he goes into a rage. – He gets so abusive and blames me for everything he doesn’t like. – His rages scare me to death. – I don’t know who this man is anymore. – I can’t do anything right. – This is not the life I thought I was getting into. – I feel so small around him. – What have I done to make him so angry? – It’s all driving me crazy. – I can’t take much more of this. – What can I say? – What can I do? – Please help!
It’s one thing for me to blame depression for causing behavior that inflicts such pain. It’s another to get clear about exactly what I did in order to recognize it early and stop myself from repeating the same thing over and over again. To stay in recovery, I can’t focus only on what’s going on in my head but need to be able to face squarely the effects on those closest to me. Seeing what the reality has been for my wife and children in those dark periods makes it so much more urgent that I get to the bottom of what I have done.
Only in that way can I break the forces of mind and feeling underlying my hurtful words and actions. What was I thinking and feeling when I was isolating myself from my family emotionally, if not actually leaving? Why didn’t I see sooner what I was doing? When I did see part of it, why couldn’t I stop? What was changing deep down? I have to be able to answer these questions and a lot more so that I’ll be quick to recognize the problem if it begins again. If I do see it, I’ll have to know what to start doing to turn that mindset and behavior around. Recovery depends on alertness and action every day.
Here’s a quick overview of what I want to explore in this series. This is the way I’m seeing it through my analytical brain. I’m sure as I tell the stories each evokes, I’ll change and refine the picture I’m looking at now. It’s almost a model of how this state develops, and that means to me it’s far too neat. I’m separating each element from the real experience, but it is never so simple as this line-up might make it seem.
- Control and Denial. Whatever the internal crisis may have been, I had to keep it under a tight lid, hide it from everyone, including myself. Denial is a common word. What isn’t always clear is how much energy it takes both to keep inner turmoil under control and to keep it from getting too close to awareness. That took so much out of me, I was always tense and run down with the effort.
- Refusal. If there was nothing wrong with me, there was no need to talk about it. Every time my wife would try to engage me about what I was feeling, I refused to talk about it. I was genuinely angry at the suggestion that I had a problem. This behavior is frequently described, but what many miss is the sense of power men can get from holding back words. There is a perverse satisfaction in keeping others guessing, and the silence also prevents me from knowing more than I want to know. Strong and silent are paired for good reason.
- Isolation. Isolating from others doesn’t mean physical separation so much as creating distance while you’re with family, friends, everyone who’s close. I could do this by being angry or abusive, or by an emotional and mental disappearance in plain sight. On any given day, I could shift from one unmindful strategy to the other.
- Blame. Naturally, if there’s nothing wrong with me, the explanation for that hurt and turmoil buried within has its cause in someone or something else – family, job, city – probably the combination of it all. The feeling builds that the life I’m living is a trap that’s ruining my chances for happiness.
- The Cure. Since the problem comes from outside, I can also find the cure for it there. Everything will be better there, everything is hopeless here. So the yearning to leave and the fantasies that go with it get stronger all the time. Whether they’re acted on or not, the damage to others is already done.
This is what occurs to me now. How does it sound to you? What’s your experience like?
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I met a man who had been seperated for four months, he had finally left after his longtime partner had slept with his brother. He told me she had been his brothers girlfirend before they had got together and he had spent four years trying to do what he felt people expected of him before finally leaving. He said he sometimes felt he should go back for the sake of his kids but didn’t think that was the right reason. i had been widowed a year previously and this was the first man since I had felt anything for. We became close and started a relationship, we talked alot and he was consumed with guilt about gaining his happiness at the cost of his kids. Just before christmas he decdied to go home and try again, I understood this and didn’t try to stop him. He is now in counselling and on antidepressant but we still talk daily. We probably need to let go of each other but we can’t, I feel like we ave embarked on an emotional affair and don’t know what to do.
My husband walked out on our daughter and I Tuesday (2 days ago). He abandoned the car down the road and never told me that he was leaving. He called that night and told me he had left. He didn’t take anything with him. He refused to tell me where he went. I finally found out that he is in Mandeville, LA. We are in Spring Hill, TN. It is so far away and I am so hurt and confused. Before he left he was literally blowing every dime he made on beer and lottery. I tried so hard to help him in a positive way. I didn’t do anything wrong. But he wants to blame me instead of looking in the mirror. It hurts so much. I was a stay-at-home mom with a Pre-K aged child. I cooked from scratch, cleaned, everything. He never had to lift a finger except to go to work. I got up every morning and started his shower for him, laid his clothes out, made his coffee the way he likes it, kissed him goodbye, and told him to have a good day at work. I pampered him and spoiled him and kept my mouth shut when I shouldn’t have. I gave him great sex and did anything he asked or told me too. Basically I was submissive, obedient, and I bent over backwards to be the best wife and mother I could be. I have no job, he left me with no money (not even a dollar), and very soon I will have no place to live. I am scared. All I have is 1/4 of a tank of gas. What do we do? Where do we go? I feel completely lost, as if I am walking in circles with no sense of direction. How could he do this to us? Why would he do this to us? I am not a bad wife or mother, so I just can’t find a reason why. No matter how much I try to. Where can I get help? I have no family. I have no friends in TN. The friends I have are too far away or unable to help. :'(
Also, we have been married for almost 6 years. He also told me that he does love me. There are no other women involved. He does have PTSD, but he takes medicine for it. Did he need a break for our life together for a little bit? If so, he should’ve talked to me about it. We could’ve worked something out. Is he depressed even though he’s medicated? Does he not love us? He says he does. I just don’t know 🙁
Dear Sara,
I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom, no insight, nothing that will help anyway. My depressed partner of 17 years also left. It blows your world apart, it is the most unbelievable pain. You are not alone though. Depression might be a reason, but it is not an excuse. You are strong, you are wonderful, unique and powerful and you will get through this. My thoughts are with you.
Sara,
I read your story and truly feel the pain you are feeling. Really I do and am so sorry you are hurting so much. Please keep your head up, because it was “Him-not You”. I know you feel that it was something you did to cause him to leave you, but it wasn’t.
My husband of 33 years walked out on me and our sons on September 16th, 2014. I know something was terribly wrong because the air mattress in our master bedroom had a small leak in it, and the auto-fill motor that filled up the air -would run constantly all night trying to refill itself. Because of this, I couldn’t sleep in my own bed due to the constant noise from the motor running in my ear, so I went to sleep on the living room couch-and landed up staying there for 6 months, until he finally left. He hadn’t made any attempt to tell me that we were going to buy another bed so I could come back into the bed with him. There was no affection from him at all, and I knew he was having a mid-life crisis of sorts, especially with his age being 55 years old, and hated his job as assistant manager at the local Walmart here.
I married my husband, Kent, while both of us were in the U.S. Navy and were only 22 and 23 years old. To make a long story as short as possible, I got out of the Navy once I had my oldest son and then 8 years later, another son. My husband stayed in the Navy for over 20 years and worked as an IT consultant for 8 years, bought a franchise business that went bust and lost over 200,000 and his 401K, real estate and many other adventures. I didn’t work after that, and stayed home raising boys who had emotional, and behavioral issues and still do. I call myself the “Wondering Jew” like Moses, but instead of wondering the desert for 40 years, I wondered all over the United States for 33 years cooking, cleaning, sewing, raising his kids, taking them to doctors appointments, and waiting faithfully for his return. I never complained at all, but looking back I know now that I gave up so much for him-including a life with long time friends nearby. Every 2 to 5 years, we would relocate and not only did that effect me, but his children also didn’t friends for too long. Looking back on this type of wondering life, I now see just how damaging it is, with no roots firmly planted, like Gypsies.
What really surprised me was it only took me 4 months to stop crying over him but I did want to take my own life during that dark time for me. How could someone did this to another person, especially his wife and best friend for so many years? I started doing my own research into this phenomenon of men suddenly abandoning their wives, usually for younger girl friends, and stumbled onto a book by Dr. Vicki Stark, called Runaway Husbands. Ms. Stark’s own husband walked out on her all of a sudden and she decided to find out just how often this happened to other wives and women, who like you and me, dedicated our entire lives to pleasing our husbands and helping them obtain their dreams and aspirations, many times giving up our own identities and lives in the meantime.
Please click or copy and paste this link to the book Runaway Husbands and read the many stories from others who are so livid, hurt, appalled, devastated, angry, lost, bewildered, and lost. Please write back to me if you ever want to talk. My email is deborah@kentdills.com. Women who this happened to need the support and love of each other and the motto of Dr. Stark is at the end of our healing journey, we will emerge the best people who have survived such a horrible trauma done to us.
http://www.runawayhusbands.com/
My husband of 28yrs left me and his family a few months ago for a younger co worker, interested to read about the porn and heavy drinking. The same sort of traits my ex has, always looking porn up and passing out on drink. His manners were also questionable, not knowing boundaries even when sober. I think all in all him leaving was the best thing that could have happened to us, although at first I’d have moved mountains to have him stay I would now build them to keep him out. The fog has lifted and the only thing I regret is the years of trying to change him which could have been put to better use. He is a complex man that’s for sure and the lack of commitment to his immediate family was and is questionable, he now spends most of his time with his new family and his sister’s which is no surprise because most of his married life was spent licking up to others. I hope he will now go on and lead the life he missed out on, I’m just glad I’m well out of it. I’ve learnt to like myself and others again and no one will ever make me feel like a lowlife again, I’ll let his new partner have the pleasure of all his fun and games because it’s what they both deserve.
My husband of 19 years told me a month ago that he wants to leave me. He had met a woman, who was an old high school friend, 2 months ago and had an intimate sexual relationship. He told me that he no longer loves me, and he was tired of this loveless marriage, and that I have gain too much weight so he no longer finds me attractive. He longed for a happier life and believed he has found it in his new love. These words haunts me and I am now suffering from my own depression of being abandoned, unloved and not worthy. This was the man that I loved unconditionally, and we have 3 beautiful children. In my despair I have looked into the last 2 years to find answers to my husband’s behavior and what I have done wrong. We are typically parents to 3 teenagers, a household and bills to pay. Perhaps I took him for granted? Nevertheless, I was not going to let him go and was determined to make things work. However, this became very hard to work on since he had emotionally disconnected from me. I asked him not to see the other woman why we work things out, but he couldn’t leave her since he couldn’t shut of his heart. He said he is a man full of love and needs love. This was too much me for me to handle so I packed his things and asked him to leave. My actions left me into more depressed since I pushed him out of the house and straight to his lover’s house.
A couple of weeks ago, the youngest of our children said I shouldn’t be too sad about him finding a new love, which I found quite an odd statement from someone so young. But she continued to say that she found pornography, and sex messages to younger women on her dad’s computer over a year ago. He would have been so drunk and passed out in bed, while his computer was still on in plain view. It dawned on me that this was a behavior I failed to recall due to my own despair, because I have also found him passed out and had seen the pornography on his computer. I also realized why I stopped sleeping with him for almost 2 years. The last intimate we had was brutal and it left me feeling dirty and scared. The biggest problem my husband had was that he would laugh off anything I say to him even when I mentioned about our last intimate night.
I finally confronted him about the things my daughter and I have seen and it seemed to have affected him deeply and he decided to see a therapy. Since his decision he moved out of his lover’s house and into a hotel. I also found out that he was on depression medicine since 2008, and as part of his therapy he had to stop taking them immediately, and also stop drinking. His excessive drinking has hurt my family for the last 2 years.
I have been sitting at home alone for weeks, trying to find answers, trying to cure my broken heart, which brings to this page. You provided me with such insight and I can now understand my husband’s condition. My only torment now is waiting for my husband to open up again and not look at me with resentment and disgust. He completely shuts me out. I pray that his therapy will help him.
Thank you for all the women who shared their stories too. Perhaps my broken heart will mend soon.
I failed to mention that my husband is actually a gentle and loving man who values and adores his family, but he is a little lost in his depressed state and going off his medicine. His affairs and the painful words he expressed about me came as a shock. Everything that I read about on this page, starting with 11 Relationship Traps of Depression makes so much sense now. I just wished we had talked about his depression earlier and tried to salvage our marriage. I also wished I had paid more attention to him and reacted to his odd behavior lately.
I fear that I have lost him forever.
Hello, I am the beaten down, discarded, shell of a man that loves a bipolar woman… I have been called stupid, insane and crazy by everybody I know, including my own children… I’ve been told to just forget her and walk away. But there is an innocence about her, All I wanted was to love her and care for her, she is absolutely addictive. She is my world, she is everything I have ever wanted in a woman. After 46 years, I had finally found my soulmate, my world was absolutely blown away!!! We meet in Oct. 2012′ we were both married, but fell in love instantly. In Jan. of 2013′ her and her husband separated and he moved back home about 6 hours away (where they had originally come from, he moved her away from all of her family and friends because he is very manipulative and controlling. She stayed behind because of me she said. But by the end of Jan. she moved back home as well, her and her husband were staying at his parents house. We talked every day, she would tell me how much she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. In March she moved back and got an apt. I finally left in Aug. and we moved in together, I had been noticing that the closer we got to actually moving in and being together, the more nervous and anxious she got, almost manic!!! (at this time, she had not been diagnosed as having bipolar II).
Two weeks after moving in together, (early Sept.), she woke up one morning and told me she was moving back to her hometown, (meaning her estranged husband). Once again telling me she wasnt in love with her husband but that she had been feeling increasingly depressed with thoughts of suicide and that she needed to get some help. She said she had to move in with her husband because it was the only place she could go. By now her husband had moved into his own place. She also said that she was moving back in with him because she felt that he was the one that had “screwed her up and he should be the one to fix her”. Well two weeks later she told me that she was coming back to me and that she was already packing her belongings and that she would be leaving the next day. We hung up and everything was fine, (I thought).
Well about an hour later, I get a txt msg from her daughter telling me that her mom was in Lakeside Mental Hosp. in Memphis, Tn. Her daughter said that her moms husband said that apparently he had called her after I had gotten off with her. He said that she just started crying and talking about killing herself, so he committed her that day. She spent 9 days in the hospital, after getting out she stayed at her husbands house for another six weeks, all the while, I was living at our place going freaking nuts. She finally came home to me, but within a month, she woke up one morning absolutely manic. I knew instantly something wasnt right that morning, the way she looked at me like I wasnt even there. So she packed up her car and her kids and took off back to her home town, Within two weeks she was back again.
Everything was going fine, she was taking her meds and things seemed ok. Then one night while she was taking a bath, she changed into someone I didnt even know…It was like she was in another world!!! By noon the next day, she was gone again!!! And once again, she was back in her husbands house!!! We talked and txtd each other multiple times everyday and it was always the same thing; She would tell me she doesnt love him, was not having sex with him and would make fun of him and tell me what a crappy person he was… Well 4 weeks later (Oct. 14th) I picked her up and brought her back home to E. Tn. Things were fantastic, we were getting along great, made love all the time and told each other how much we loved each other… (and as always, she would swear to me that she would never leave me again). On Dec. 27th me, her and her children headed back to Memphis for the weekend so she could see her mom and her oldest daughter.
The entire trip to Memphis, I felt that things were just not right, (they hadnt felt right in over a week) while there at her mothers she was very stand-off’ish), on that Saturday, her and I went out shopping and going to the wolfchase mall. Things were kinda weird but I didnt say anything. With bipolar folks, sometimes its just better not to “rock the boat”, antways, we went out shopping and even bought some items for our house, (her idea), she even talked about some of the things that she wanted us to do after the new year, once we got back to E. Tn. We went out Saturday night, partyed on Beale St till 2am. We woke up the next morning and “fooled around” and besides her acting a little strange I thought everything was getting better. We got up, her mom made everyone breakfast, she made me coffee, like she would always do. Well as the day went on, she told me that her mom and oldest daughter had been giving her a hell of a time… they would tell her that she abandoned them and that she didnt love them anymore, among other things.
Around 2pm that afternoon her and her daughter started putting their coats on because they were gonna go out in town and spend some time together before we had to leave to come back home. About an hour later her daughter comes in all crying hyserically telling me that her mom went back to Lakeside, she told me that they had been in the store when all of a sudden her mom started having a kind of break-down. They go back out to the vehicle and her daughter said that she started crying talking about ruining everybodys life and that she had ruined my life (because my two daughters have hardly been speaking to me, they didnt approve of her) and how she always wanted to kill herself. She told her daughter that she didnt want to come back to E. Tn with me because she couldnt be happy here because her family was putting so much pressure on her!!! and that I should just go back home to my family and be happy!!!
I was standing there trying to take it all in, I was numb, kinda like an out-of-body experience. Here I am, in a strange place, with people that I hardly knew and I had to be back at work the next morning and have the rental car back by 8am. Im asking all of these questions but not able to make sense of any of it. My babys gone back into Lakeside again, and now I dont know what to do!!! I knew full well that by her going into lakeside again, the first person they call is her husband and I know that means that hes gonaa be going back to his house when she finally gets out… IM IN HELL at this point, absolutely going out of my mind, on the verge of breakdown myself and Ive got nowhere to turn !!! After talking to her mom and her oldest daughters I have no other choice but to leave and drive six hours back home, I will tell you that, that was the hardest thing Ive ever done, leaving my sweet, precious, perfect, fragile baby there in Memphis. It was the worst drive ever and yet I cant seem to recall much of the drive back… I came home and for the next four days Im losing my mind. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant keep my mind on my work. Im trying to contact everyone on that side of Tn to find out all I can about how she is and what shes doing.
Im sitting on the couch in deep thought and I get an email from her husband saying that hes gonna come and get all her and the kids belongings in a few days. I respond by saying that I didnt believe him, that my baby was coming home when she got out of Lakeside. He then sent me screen shots of his phone where she had ben txting him since at least Dec. 22nd, 2013. She was saying how much she missed him and how much she wanted to work things out, how lonely she was here in E. Tn and how empty her heart was without him. It was absolutely devastating to actually see those words coming from her. All the while she was here in E. Tn with me, making love to me everyday and night. Telling me how much she loved me and wanted to be my wife. She even told me Christmas day that this was the happiest Christmas she had had since her childhood. Ive been here alone in this apartment since Dec.30th. Going out of my mind.
How could she been so cruel to me? Ive had time to replay everything in my head a million times. That day she left to “go shopping” with her daughter, she knew what she was about to do. She never even told me goodbye or hugged me or looked me in my eyes or nothing. She just turned around and walked out of my life and never even said goodbye to me,like I never meant anything to her!!! 🙁 (( Thats the hardest thing Im trying to deal with. Why did she do this, did she really ever love me or was I just a “fling”, “something to get out of her system”?? I cant believe in my heart that she didnt love me, I looked her in her eyes and I know that somewhere in her heart that she loves me… People who are in love with someone suffering with bipolar can understand, others cannot! They thik were the crazy ones,… and to some extent, I guess we are!!!
They say that trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the colour 9. Reading your story I believe that the woman you are in love with doesn’t even exist – that woman that you love is just one side of her that she has, at times, chosen to show you. I don’t think SHE even knows who she is and is in a very troubled relationship with herself. Often, people who are unhappy with themselves start blaming their current situation or the person they are with and start seeking some way of ‘escaping’ their unhappiness. The problem is that wherever they go, they take themselves with them and also their unhappiness. The novelty of the situation and the new hope they hold might keep them going for a while, but then the same unhappiness creeps back in. It seems that this is the case with your partner and this is why she keeps on going back and forth between you and her husband. Each time she feels unhappy she blames it on the fact that she is with the ‘wrong person’.
You ask if she ever loved you? It may be hard to hear, but I believe she never did truly love you – it may have been a kind of love, but not true love. This is not because of any lack in you – I also believe she doesn’t truly love her husband and maybe never did. This is because anyone who doesn’t truly love themselves and accept themselves can never truly love or accept anyone else. It sounds as if she has a problem with getting close and intimate with anyone – usually this is because the person really fears rejection. The reason they fear rejection is because they don’t believe they are ‘good enough’. That if you got close to them and found out who they truly were, then you would reject them.
While you may understand this, feel sorry for her and may want to prove otherwise, you never can. She has to sort out her relationship with herself and the best way to do this is for her to realise that her answer doesn’t lie in being with another person, but in with sorting out her own issues with herself and being alone for a while. It may take her years to reach this point as she is still trying to ‘run away’ from her problems.
I believe you need to start asking what is best for YOU right now. It sounds as if this relationship is driving you crazy. You believe that if she will just sort herself out and BE that person you love, that you will be happy. Sad to say, but unless she is one of those rare people who hits a crisis and have a sudden awakening and realisation, it will take a very long time before she is ready to be in a healthy relationship. You need to develop your own relationship with yourself and be your own best friend. Chasing after this relationship, as much as you long for it, is doing you no good.
You can probably never truly understand why she has done what she has done, as she is so mixed up and probably doesn’t even understand it herself! She is just reacting to her pain and trying to escape it all the time.
You CAN get through this. It will be painful, yes, but I don’t see that you have any other choice than to let her go. You will slowly detach your feelings from her and things will gradually get better. One day you will look back and wonder why you put up with all the crap that you did and will wonder why you ever loved her so much with all her issues. Many people have gone though similar situations and come out the better for it. You will learn and grow from this, as painful as it is – I know…I’ve been there myself 🙂
If you bookmark this and read it in a few years you will think “what the hell was I thinking?” I join your daughters’ choir to you. Run. She doesn’t love anyone including her own children who shouldn’t even witness a second of this and are also unfortunately going to probably be very dis functional in their adult relationships as a result of this mess. It’s unhealthy. Dramatic. Confusing. … I wouldn’t put my children through a situation like this for a second! … I couldn’t find in your post one positive thing about your relationship so what’s your question? Seriously. …
Bookmark it.
Oh my word! Focus on your daughters! … Read back what you just typed and there’s your answer.
My husband of 27 years and father of our 22-year-old son and 16-year-old son told me on Dec. 21 that he was leaving me — he did not love me anymore. When I asked him to wait until after Christmas he said he had thought about it, but did not want to ruin Christmas. Well, he certainly did ruin it. He is staying with friends about four hours from us. He has suffered depression for years and is on medication for it. He lost his job, we lost our house and everything seven years ago when he was first diagnosed with depression. Then, four years ago, he got angry with me for criticizing the way he cooked something and left us for five days. He did not mention divorce this time. I have no basis for my feelings — no concrete proof — but I just feel like there’s another woman. He will not communicate with me or the children and did not see them at Christmas. It was terrible — I told him even if we were divorced he would see his children on Christmas Day. He is so angry with me and he won’t tell me why. He just says our marriage has been over for years and I should know that. This has just come completely out of the blue. We had a big argument over Thanksgiving, but we have had worse arguments. I did apologize for what I said, but when I asked if he were going to apologize, he ranted and raved at me for 30 minutes while driving. I did not say anything because I did not want to enrage him further because he would have wrecked the car. My kids say they are so angry with him and don’t want him back. It is so very hurtful and I just really don’t understand why he would act this way to me and to his children. For the majority of our marriage, he has been the most loving person you could ever meet. People would still ask if we were newlyweds because he always held my hand or kissed my cheek. I just feel like the last 27 years of my life has been a lie.
This story is very similar to mine. My husband suffered from terrible anxiety and he left abruptly like yours right after Christmas 2010 after 30 years of marriage and 4 months before our oldest and only daughter’s wedding. He said life with us was routine and he knew he had “little” time left (he was 53) to “be happy”. After weeks of wondering what was up, I did find he was seeing another woman out of state he met while traveling…then I found out about young women he was seeing all 35 to 40 year old divorcees in every city he traveled too!!! This was also a happily married man to all who knew us (even me) and a deacon of a large church who helped coach our son’s teams and was active in the youth group. Now 3 years later he has relocated to be with the woman who is 15 years younger, she moved him in immediately with her 4 year old twins…they married in April and my husband of 30 years is now her 3rd hubby and a step father to twin first graders…my adult children did NOT go to his wedding nor have they met his “new family” When they do see him for a quick dinner ( he lives 10 hours away) they say he is weird acting and always wants to go out to the “hip” pick up joints with them… I think they just snap and become a different person my counselor says it is a form of sexual addiction and narcissism coupled with some type of depression and anxiety… Hang in there for your kids sake:)
First I’d like to say its amazing how strong and powerful all these women are for dealing with a depressed loved one.
My boyfriend of only 8 months broke up with me his reasoning was because he’s depressed. I know he was a bit down a few months ago due to the loss of his job and not being done with school yet. I stayed by his side until he broke up with me. I helped pay his bills as well as helped fill out job applications for him. I tried my best to take away some of the pressures so he won’t go into such a deep depression. Within the last month he really pulled away. Went from daily texts and calls to once a week. I been respecting his space.
He would still send loving texts. But not like before. He called me for my birthday and wished me a happy birthday and he put his friend on the phone and his friend said that my boyfriend cries because he misses me. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I even said on the phone it’s not true and my boyfriend sounded sad because I didn’t believe it.
We are in a long distance relationship and I mentioned I would be in town close to his birthday and that’s when he snapped saying how he feels guilty not having time for me as well as having me wait for him to finish school. He asked for a break. I respected his wishes. 3 weeks later I came to his town for my best friends party as well as to see how he was doing. When I went to see him he was in the car with a couple of his block friends drinking and smoking since it was cold outside. When he came out of the car I could see he had a fake smile on and was really forcing it.
We went into his car to talk and he said he felt bad he had me waiting for him as well as felt pressure that I’m waiting for him to finish school. I wasn’t putting any pressure on him at all. Guess it’s the depression. He also went on saying that I deserve someone who’s willing to talk to me and have time for me since he’s busy with school.
He got the job I applied for him. Said he’s appreciative of all I’ve done for him. But as of right now he doesn’t see a happy future for himself let alone out relationship or any other relationship for that matter. He hates everything right now. His neighborhood his life his friends. He said he’d feel bad making me wait for him and to live my life. But wants to be friends.
I honestly don’t know if he’s just acting like he’s depressed or if he really is. He’s in his early thirtys and I’m in my mid twenties. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I see myself as a good wife one day. And was hoping it’d be for him.
I know it’s a lot to ask for but can someone please help me? Should I be friends with him or leave him alone? I love him with all my heart. We’ve known each other for four years went our seperate ways til now.
Hi;
Sorry you are going through this. Hope you get this message. Don’t have much time to leave a message. My husband is depressed. Your boyfriend sounds depressed. It will hurt in the short term but it is not great being with someone who gets depressed. Be glad you don’t have kids with him and find someone who enjoys life.
Leave him alone. He needs to find a way out.
Susan
5 years ago I was in an abusive relationship I was weak I stayed there cause I never thought u could get better etc… N I thought this was my life…. Alot of stuff hapoened and one day just snapped and ended it with him….. 7mths later I met a great guy that I worked with and he absolutely wined and dined me acknowledged me , communication was there trust everything I could possibly want….. Not knowing or realizing once things started to get serious I started becoming my ex not in a violent way it’s like rubbed off on me … Hard to explain , so my poor boyfriend had to cop alot of unwanted shit, all I wanted was his support and he could never understand y I was like this etc….. Anyways we finally got passed it but then I started worrying bout the relationship all the time, he started lying cause I was so insecure etc… I would go through his phone and found out he lied to me etc… So after that I know it was one lie but they kept continuing… I was so angry upset that he couldn’t tell me the truth… We broke up for five months but were still casually seeing each other… We’d have sex but the weirdest thing was everytime he’d go out with the boys the sex would be great the next day… That’s when I noticed he stopped looking at me during sex… I thought something was up…. We got back together and the sec was still going good… But then out of no where it’s gone it’s like on weekends now it’s once… He complains I want it to much just the whole rejection makes me upset he gets angry that I’m trying to force it its like when he’s only in the mood or when it suits him….. How can ppl change am I missing something, and now if I say something he doesn’t like he goes off the ricta scale … I’m lying here with tears rolling down my face, thinking when I want it there’s no passion or love it’s just like jump on then….. Help I need answers to this…….????
I’m 37 and my husband 36, we have a 8 year old boy and 3 year old twin boy and girl. We’ve been together for 17 years and married 11 years. 3 Weeks ago my husband told me he is depressed. He told me he feels dead inside and unhappy in himself. He is angry all the time and says he doesn’t know why. He told me he loves me and always will but has no affection towards me. He said we drifted apart and are different people now. I was shocked because I thought we were just going through a rough patch in our marriage but were still happy. He doesn’t talk to me or look at me He leaves early in the morning to go to work and comes home late at night. As soon as he walks in he is irritable with me and the children. He became a stranger overnight. Our kids realise something is going on and acts out, which only makes everything worse for him. I try and be as normal around the kids as much as possible. It felt like my whole world collapsed.
One night as I was undressing my 3 year old son for his bath, he (my son) took my face in his little hands and said to me: “I can see it in your face.” Me a bit confused asked: “What do you see in my face?” He said:”I can see it when you’re sad” That just absolutely shocked me! It was as if an adult spoke to me. It was such an eye opener. I started doing research about depression. Everything became clear about my life. Thinking back, my parents probably both had depression and never got help for it. My sister and I grew up in a loveless home. I was unhappy as a child and teenager. I had lots of relationships trying to find happiness and love. I had a boyfriend who was very jealous and insecure for 3 years and met my husband in that time. He was so kind and soft hearted. And showed me what it was to be really loved. It was not love at first sight, but a friendship grew first before we fell in love with each other. (To him it was love at first sight). Back then I was quite the hot babe that every guy wanted. But I was so in love with him because he made me feel special and only had eyes for me. We were together for 6 years before he proposed to me. He said he took so long to ask because he wanted to make sure he’s doing the right thing and we both felt the same way about divorce. We don’t believe in it because of both our parents being divorced. We said we wanted to prove that happy marriages do exist and we can make our children grow up in a loving home. Back then he said that it is so easy to get divorced these days, when things don’t turn out the way we want and that a marriage is hard work. You have to work hard to make things work. Through the years all our friends and family said that we have the perfect marriage and they wish to be like us. They asked us our secret. We said communicating and always be mindful of the other persons feelings helps. Also to keep the flame of romance burning. We did all that.
Everything was still fine after our firstborn, it was difficult to cope with this new edition to our lives, but we managed. Couple years later, I said we should try for another baby, he said he is happy with one because he is an only child. I have a sister and I wanted our son to have a sibling. (By the way, my sister and I had a brother who died when we were young, maybe that’s where our parents’ problems started). Anyway, we tried and I had a miscarriage. After that we struggled for a year before I fell pregnant again with the twins. My husbands grandmother was a twin. She died a month before our twins were born.
What a difficult time for us when they were born! My husband fell ill in the week they were born, so my mother moved in with us. My husband moved into the spare bedroom and my Mom moved into our bed. She stayed with us for 4 months to help with the babies. She moved into the spare bedroom after the second week. My husband was absolutely wonderful in helping with the kids. Our problems started after my Mom left. I felt she was getting a bit too much for us. My husband started to go out with his friends, I let him because I thought he needed a break too from us. Couple of months afterwards I found a message on his phone from another woman. I confronted him and he told me SHE kissed him, that’s all.
My trust in him was totally broken, I became depressed, because of my body changes. I was so insecure and I thought he didn’t love or want my body anymore. I only realise now that after all these years I have sucked him into my depression.
I am seeing a therapist now to help me heal myself. I feel better about myself, I have lost weight through healthy eating and exercise. I can’t help him to get better, he must do it on his own. I will support him through everything and I still love him. He wants to move out but he says he doesn’t want to hurt me or the kids. It’s going to happen anyways so he might as well do it, even though I know it’s not him talking but his depression. He is the sole breadwinner. I don’t have a job or any skills, so I don’t know how I will support my kids when we do get divorced. All I know is that I just want happiness for our children and that they can grow up to be what they want to be and not what their parents have become.
I so feel for you, but the first thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up over this. You say your husband was cautious in proposing because you both wanted to not fail at marriage yet he wants to walk away without even trying? Or really bringing you in to the decision? There are two sides to every story and I don’t think we are hearing the full side from him. My situation is quite similar to yours I’m 39 was married 17 years together 22 with two kids but my husbands depression brought around the end for us, he wanted to leave saying he no longer felt the same etc he loved me but wasn’t in love, and although I knew he was ill again (he’s has it twice before) it never occurred it was because of us. Everyone around us friends family etc were gob smacked because we were great together. He moved out in feb this year and even though it was heartbreaking and there have been lots if tears from both of us along the way, it was truly the best thing for me and our kids. I’ve got my happiness and fun back. My ex still has up and down days but he’s getting better and we are managing to be good friends. I have reflected a lot on what triggered this latest episode and it’s interesting you mention your husbands kiss as mine had a drunken kiss with a friend about two months before the depression became really noticeable and for me on reflection this was the beginning of the end. It completely killed my confidence and self esteem, I became the clingy wife who checked his phone. Something I had never dreamed of before. I don’t blame me I blame him it was his fault. Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is I clung on for a long time believing that I couldn’t be happy without him and as the saying goes ‘ here I am being all happy and shit’. I wish you luck and hope my words offer some comfort that one day you will feel happier than even before xx
As a wife of someone I’m sure is situationally depressed because he isn’t happy in our relationship (among other things), I don’t know what more I can do. I just think married life is not what he thought it was going to be (or at least married life with me) and he regrets it, but thinks he can’t dissolve our relationship for whatever reason. Not sure what the reason is for his hanging on – he’s not religious, etc. I’ve given him so many outs and even told him I didn’t think he was happy in our marriage, but he denies it and not convincingly. I’ve asked him to talk to someone – a counselor, anybody but me hoping he’d come to the conclusion he needs, and he refuses, saying he doesn’t need it. Sorry if I’m not convinced, but I have reason for it – I was situationally depressed in a relationship I didn’t want any longer and I exhibited some of the same exact signs. The depression went away once I ended the relationship. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I’m tired of feeling bad about myself whenever I’m around him. I’m ready to leave. It’s just a matter of when. I mean, do you know how awful it feels to have your spouse unable to look at you? I’ve got other crises going on in my life right now that take priority over this so it has to take a backseat for now, but I will end my comment with this: men, if you’re unhappy in your relationship and your wife/girlfriend calls you on it, admit it and let her go. The sooner, the better. We will survive and are probably catching up to you in your level of misery anyway.
hello, i feel terrible for the women who have been treated this way by their boyfriends or spouses. But here is my take on this. I have been depressed too for several years and last year was the worst. I suspect that my boyfriend started getting more depressed because of his emotionally abusive parents. He would disappear for weeks in communication and be very passive after that. This pattern began like in the last 2 years of our 5 year relationship. We went into ldr for last 3. Anyway, i was going crazy myself and alternated between sadness, rage, resentment and numbness towards his constant abandonement and excuses after all our efforts to stay together.
I admit i cheated on him months ago as i got fed up. I never told him though. Anyway, the point is this. I broke up with him a few months ago when he told me he doesnt want to be in a relationship and only wants to meet up for sex. I was so angry and i put my foot down and told him to get lost for disrespecting us.
I regret cheating on him but i dont regret leaving this toxic relationship. My depression got worse for months after the breakup but i kept reminding myself that i would never allow any man to ill-treat me again for whatever reason. I decided to seek help and i am still fighting to be stable.
What i have realised is that love is beautiful and addictive. Also the need to not abandon the man we love so much. But lets face it, why should i let him blame me for his lack of accountability and his emotions. We may be designed to give like crazy and forgive all shit.
I cant do it and i deserve better treatment. I have my own self-respect and refuse to let such men hurt me. I have already been abused in the past where i was truly powerless as a child.
Ladies, you may love your man and hope he will again become the awesome man again. Dont drain your own life in the process of being a giver. Draw your boundaries or just leave. You are not betraying him because he is not the man you loved anymore anyway in this state. Protect yourself if you cant take it. There is no shame in that. This is for the gals in non-marriage and non-children state. I cant say a word for the others except
“protect yourself, your life and your kids. it isnt you.”
I was living with a man for about a year. Known him for 6 yrs, dated for about 2. 1 month ago he walked out on me and our cutie little dog that he bought and once cherished. I understand where you’re coming from. It’s a traumatic experience to try and not take what these men say personally, but at the same time you can’t help it. For a month, I had hope that he would want to come back and be with me because I knew how much he loved me and wanted to have a life together. After meeting with him one time a week, i realize that it’s toxic (how you put it) and emotionally, mentally and even physically (since I can eat for days after these mtgs) draining. I met with him for what I plan to be the last time, yesterday, and decided that I have to move on because this person is not the same. It’s as if someone cast a spell on him and he became an evil version of who he was. Because he was an amazing, loving, funny man. Now he’s the opposite on every account. The longer I “hope” and stay open to the possibility of this relationship, the more hurt I’ll be and the less chance we would ever have in fixing things (though that’s not even an option at this point, seems like). Furthermore, the more we meet, the worse it is for him too. He’s a mess and tells me how tough this is for him but is so lost in who he is and life altogether that he wants me to move on. Depression is a brutal, real thing if someone doesn’t have control over their mental health and can ruin lives. I don’t recommend anyone get involved with people that aren’t mature when it comes to mental control. I agree it’s harder and much more complicated when there are wives and kids in the mix, but still believe no one should have to take the mental illness on of another person. You’ll kill yourself trying to.
I’m not sure if this is a misplaced comment, but thought I would write just in case it offers any comfort for those on this site.
About a year ago, I was desperately searching for answers as to why my depressed boyfiend had left and clinging to any hope he would return – asking everyone and anyone if they thought he would come back to me. For 6 months I spoke not barely a word to him, he would exchange only emails after me gut wrenchingly and bravely, asking for some sort of finalisation (with the hope he would say he didn’t want it finalised) I just wanted him back and I didn’t care how. But he was so far sunk into his depression that he couldn’t see what he was doing to me. He cared about no one – himself mostly.
We met up and he looked ill, thin and awful. I had planned to travel oz and we agreed to keep in contact. He was still ill but more receptive to ideas. I got him a counsellors number and HE made the call.
Since then I have come back from oz, we are back together and he is ten times the man he was before. He is wise and emotionally intelligent and his depression has gone – although there’s always a ? over it coming back again.
I just wanted to give you hope, I wanted you beautiful ladies (& gents)on here to know that there is hope if you want it – but that doesn’t mean you have to wait. It can feel like you’re battling with some dark force, which you are. Depression is not the man you know, don’t blame yourself. Stay strong.
I just wanted to say thank you. Your post gave me hope and made me not feel so alone. My boyfriend of 5 years just left me because he is battling depression. I feel so lost at how to handle all of this. Your encouraging words helped so much!!
Liz, please take it from me – you’re noble to be so committed to your boyfriend, but don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. For whatever the reason — depression or not — he left you. Period. Sorry to be blunt, but you must understand that. Someone who is right for you will not leave you. It may not be his fault or he may need to find himself or get help, but no matter the reason, you’re left out in the cold in this situation and you don’t deserve that. You don’t have to blame him, etc., but you may have to accept that you must move on and let him follow the path meant for him. We all have our own paths to follow which means we might have to say some hard good-byes. Good luck.
I don’t believe there is reason to stop hoping that a person that once deeply loved you who is suffering a mental illness will come back – esp if the relationship wasn’t the trigger. What I will say is that you still have to move on with your life. You can’t spend time thinking, worrying, etc. He has to get through this on his own because that’s the road he chose. If he comes back and your heart is open to him, great. But, I recommend starting the healing process w or w/o him.
Hi-
So I just read the 3 parts to this topic and I thought they were excellent! I now have a better understanding of why men leave. However, one thing I’d like to know more about is, what usually happens when they do leave for their ‘better life?’
My soon-to-be ex husband has been depressed the 8 years we were together and I’ve watched it get progressively worse. He went through an ‘episode’ 5 months ago and told me he no felt the same about me and didn’t think he was ever happy with me. Things went downhill fast from there. He was soon blaming me for his depression and verbally abusing me and that’s when I got out.
Our house is now going on the market next week and we’ll soon be filing for divorce. This all came about though after he went on a business trip to Ireland. He said being in Ireland was the best he’s ever felt in his life and he didn’t experience his depression or anxiety while he was there.
He’s now making plans to move to Ireland (from the states) for work after our divorce is final and I suspect that there is another woman there waiting for him as well. So, new life, new woman, new country and same job but in a different location. B/c I’ve watched him suffer from depression for so long, I don’t think moving to Ireland is the answer.
So I’m curious about what happens after they leave? Will they feel happy for a while but then when things get routine or settled feel depressed again? Does anyone have any experience with this?
Thanks!
I think the depression will be on the back-burner for a while till the novelty wears off, then he will be even more depressed because he will be away from people who truly know him and understand him and because he will realise that nothing has really changed and he has thrown everything away for nothing. On top of it all he will also feel guilt over what he has done.
My husband left me for his childhood sweetheart and ‘true love’ and they are no longer together because reality set in and he is very depressed and hopeless, and feels very guilty. I feel bad for him but what can I do – it was his choice and there’s no going back.
I believe you are right but it hurts how do you walk away knowing he is depressed my guy have 7 months sober , wife passed after 17 years leaving two girls now 17 and 11 that he decided to keep our relationship is 4 years. He recently told me he does not want to be in a relationship, he has never been alone jump to quick in ours, feeling the urge to cheat and has a lady in mind. i know my question is stupid how do i get over it. Help I feel I going into fepression
Hello John and friends I now think I am In the wrong sections I have read many posts and book passages and still need help and understanding if i should walk or be the push to maintain. My guy was there for me when I lost job everyday let me in his life wife died after a 17 year relationship leaving 2 girls now age 17 and 11 I helped him he helped me. We are best friends I know everything even the relationships he had when he was with his wife, him wanting to leave her feeling he got into a relationship too young in life he was 19.
Here is the kicker. He was drinking the entire time 1/2 of his life 4 years with me . now 40 he is sober after 7 mos I was there for the bottom and helped. Now he sees clearly and states he is depressed about now feeling guilty about her death, not being there for his children , they are with him he kept them one of my reasons for helping, being in a relationship to young, jumping on one with me. He says he must find him self, don’t want to be in a relationship at all, answer to no one, feeling the urge to be with another women and have a women in mind oh the last don’t feel the same about me the I love you dearly everyday and me saying the same has stopped .
Is he depressed or for the first time he is truly on his own and wants to spread his wing (he told me that). What happen with me we were perfect I gave him every encouragement to be who you want to be even bought him a tattoo he wanted. Help me I feel like my heart is breaking into two I can’t move
I really hope this is the case for me
My husband left me yesterday and i am a complete wreck
I have major trust and anger issues and have made his life pretty rubbish because of it he has a history of depression and now is severely depressed
He says he loves me but cant see how we can get past things that have been and he needs time alone to sort out his head and for me to do the same I said I would go to counselling and try and do what ever I can i just want him home
My husband left me and our children. He was in a deep depression for about 6 months. We finally got him help and he decided that he was not happy living his life with me and the children. We have been married for 20 years. He ran away. He was not honest about leaving. He was angry and said that we trapped him in this life and blamed me for everything wrong that ever happened to him. When I tried to talk to him it just turned into him spewing venom and lies about me. It has been a year now. We don’t know where he lives. He has tried to change his entire life. He has moved a few times, changed jobs, bought a new car, new wardrobe. He comes and goes as he feels. He claims he is the happiest he has ever been but he looks awful. He does not act like a man who is happy. He can’t see how his decisions have affected us. He thinks we all should just accept this and continue on.
He has since stopped receiving help. It didn’t seem to matter as it turns out he was not exactly honest with his counsellor and was twisting what she was working with him to justify his actions. I am finding it hard to maintain the status quo. I want to help him but he needs to want help first. My children waver between being so angry to so worried. He is a good man. One day he loves me and the next he wants no accountability. I am lost….
Thank you for this blog, reading this has been great for me. It may seem like ‘misery loves company’, but I am glad that I am not the only one with this weird, dramatic, crazy life! I have put up with my husband’s depression for 14 years and it is so draining! He has a history of depression, lots of drinking, physical abuse here and there. He has even managed to turn this around and say he hates me and is divorcing me! The nerve! My story is as bad as everyone’s here, sad and depressive. My husband is in a state of denial, has blocked our kids and I from calling him, acts erratic, has started making these crazy facial expressions at me, the list goes on! It has been hell for me and the kids these past six months. He abandoned us, we had to drive cross-country to live in another state and were homeless for 2 months and he knew we had no home. It is unbelievable that I have lived with this man and presently I have no idea who he is! He got all hot and horny over a young woman in my own home, then denied it, then I found evidence in his computer that my suspicions were true. He tried to reverse this situation by telling me that I was making him feel guilty and from there on, he continued with his depression even more intensely, became erratic. I am so tired and fed up with his crap. I’ve had it!. I have been such a damn good woman to this man. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, do laundry, take kids places and to their activities, I handle all kinds of problems the kids may have, I take cars to dealerships, take kids to doctor appointments, do grocery shopping, I hold down the fort when he has volunteered so many times to go to war overseas! He has 2 masters degrees already and he says he is tired of me! He is depressed everyday and everyday I have counseled him and consoled him. I have done all of those things for love, because I love my family, but I have been betrayed by such a “man” and I say that loosely. He became so depressed over this woman, he didn’t give a crap about his family! It is such a sad situation. My life seems over, I have no joy, no happiness in my heart. I am blah. This situation has made me so depressed, it is terrible to have no joy in you.
Hello-
You write from a context exclusively of depressed men. I am a 41 yr old woman that has suffered from depression since childhood and in the last 5 yrs it has become major depression, and just finding out about it after reaching rock bottom a few months ago. I have envisioned a future on my own for the last 4 yrs and have started working to put a plan in motion in the last 3 months as a fantasy that i will finally be happy and alone to be who I am. I have 3 children age 9 and younger and want them with me, but honestly look forward to equal custody arrangements with my spouse to have opportunities to be completely alone. On top of all of this I am suffering intense isolation at work with colleagues reacting by gang harassing me, maybe to get any kind of interaction or reaction from me. In my situation I have created I have no one to turn to, bc if I turn to my spouse as he desires it undoes all the work I have done to isolate from him. I read this post and all your others and recognize myself in so many of them. Reaching out to people is excruciatingly difficult to me because I think no one wants to be burdened and that I’m so self centered its all about me. And I see that when I put myself on the outside looking in.
I just wanted to let you know that what you describe in this post is not exclusive to men. I just found your website today and it is such an eye opener.
Adding my experience, twice I thought of leaving once I acted on it, the first time I thought the grass is greener on the other side of the fence theory, this prompted me to seek different help, (side note, my physician commit suicide at around the same time so must have been dealing with somethings themselves) I kept my family together due to their support and even though we had issues love never left the relationship so allowed us to keep the family together. Now 6 years later and much more experienced in fighting and dealing with my depression I find myself wanting to leave again now thinking that they would be better off without me because of all the pain I cause as I fight through my worst battle in 6 years.
Scott, I’m sorry that you are suffering so badly. Can I ask what type of help you are getting for your depression?
It’s lovely to know that your family are supportive and that ‘love never left the relationship’ and I’m sure that they would be devastated if you left them. If you take a look at the Depression Fallout message board forums, you will see that there are so many spouses/partners who are in pain due to their depressed loved ones leaving or isolating themselves from them. There are also posts from depressed spouses/partners telling their stories and trying to give advice to others. I hope it helps you in some way.
Keep fighting!
Hi There,
It is so great to read all this stories. Three years ago i found out my husband was cheating on me. After I confronted he denied everything, I forgave him. Six months later I find out he is cheating again, up to today he still cheats. Every time I confront him he denies it. I have read the dirty messages he sends. He is 45 yrs old and abuses alcohol. He holds a full time job as RN. He is currently suffering from ED. I believe because of his ED he has become a very depressed man. He abuses of me verbally every day. We have three children and have been married for 22yrs. My kids friends dont want to hang out with them anymore because of him. He is verbally abusive to everybody who passes his way. I honestly dont know what to do anymore, part of me wants to leave him but the other part feels so sorry for him. I know if I leave him his depression will get worse. He has no friends because the friends he had dont wanna be around him because of verbal abuse. He recently at a church function started verbally abusing me in front of our church friends (i was so embarrassed). Now our friends dont talk to us anymore. He says he Loves me and does not know what is happening to him. I beg him to get help but he says im the crazy one not him.
WOW. I thought I was the only spouse going through something. I am so gutted right now. Recently my fiance snapped on my 11 year old daughter. she became his target after a tonne of stress in our lives. He went into a rage. Normally I can handle his moods but this time he went to far. Even to the point that I had called a friend to get away for the weekend. AS I was packing up my 11 yr old and my 7 month old ( who is ours together who he absolutely loves and is an incredible father as it released a new sense of joy to him) He heard us making noises upstairs so he screamed “do you want to hear some noise” He revved a chainsaw. Now I normally would just say WOW thats a bit too far but my daughters were here and the look in my oldests face was clearly a “make the call ” face. I called the police. He was arrested and went to jail for 2 weeks. He is out now but not permitted to be in our house ( which is under his name and has already been on the market for 6 months because we found our dream home up north and were looking forward to moving) Hes not permitted to have contact with me or the girls until Jan. He is missing out on our daughters first christmas. I am gutted that he reacted this way because I am the one struggling now. He has recently called teh realtor to reduce the price for a quick sale( I spoke with a lwyer and I get nothing from this except child support) Alls I want is to reconcile and help him through his treatment but he has shut the world out and he wont communicate with anyone. I just want to be with him and i feel so lost. I am having a hard time coping because we were having this baby together and now I’m a single mom of 2 that will be homeless. I feel so lost. How can I get through to him that we can get through this? what do i do?
Hi,
My ex fiance of 7 years dumped me in 1 week,
we had been having alot of problems because of the last 2 and a half years long distance and his parents are pure evil,caused us alot of problems,he supported me and stood up for me,but i couldnt get over the depression,and no matter how much we tried i would keep on having nervous breakdowns because of his parents and i would remention every wrong thing he did to me throught out the 7 years.we were planning our wedding…and he told me that he just cant tolerate the drama anymore,and i wasnt making him feel loved and im too distant all i do is talk about the wedding and his parents,and he is so depressed from all of this,he doesnt feel the same anymore,and he knows with the current circumstances things wont change,i asked him to give me a shot but he said we both know ill end up doing the same nervous break down again.he just wanted out,alth in our previous years we only broke up once briefly,and he wanted me back,he would never ever tolerate being away fro me…but at this point he wanted to leave.so i said fine,he kind of cried towards the end,and when we were saying our goodbyes and wished each other the best,he kind of freaked out when we said all will become memories and he said i will always have hope we will get back together when the time is right. what does that mean,was it a reaction of guilt,bcz it doesnt make sence if he says he no longer feels the same,why would he want to have the hope to get back.he never contacted me after that call,nor his shitty parents he ddnt contact my parents either.he deactivated facebook,and basically disapeared. he loved me from the age of 19 till the age of 26….will he ever forget me…and what was he thinking..i mean yes we were both unhappy with the relation,and it would have carried alot of problems to the futur with me hating hid parents….but what is he thinking! im not sure if he found someone,or cheated,or was simly depressed,i dont know! 15 days after the breakup it was my birthday,he emailed me,said he was thinking alot about me and he misses me,and he hopes next year if its meant to be we would be together! what the hell! is he saying this to keep me attached because hes simply selfish!
I am handeling this much better than i thought i will,but im just wondering whats going through his mind.
ps: i was 18 years old when we started together,im 25 now. he is a year older than me…we were both the first serious relation for each other
This is great insight. I hope and pray my husband reads this.
I wish I could share this article with my husbands family.
I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years, but have been together for 15 years. We have 2 kids together. My husband is in the military, meaning he deploys a lot and we move around a lot. I was only 18 years old when we got married. 6 years agao I found out he cheated on me, I chose to forgive him and stay with. Then 2 years later I found out he had cheated on me again, this time I found out years after it had happen so I figured we made it this far and I can forgive him again. Well a year ago I found out he was talking to this girl on the computer. Once again I let it go and forgave him. This past June he came back from a short deployment and said he wanted a seperation. I went along with it. He blamed it on me and said he’s tired of feeling like I dont want to be with him, I shw no effecton, or passion towards him. I did have issues when it came to having sex. So I excepted the blame and got the help I needed. In July I found out the real reason he wanted to be seperated, he had a girlfriend he had met on deployment. Over the summer we spent a lot of time together and decided to work things out. So we moved to a new duty station, which has been a very hard move for us. Well 2 days ago I found out he had cheated on me back in February while he was deployed again. I confronted him and he admitted it. I was ready to take the kids and leave, but after talking with him for hours and hours I’m not sure what I want to do, or better yet what I should do. He says he wants us to work on things but then there are days where he wants to be by himself. He says he loves me and will always love me. He finally admitted it was never my fault for why he cheated. He doesn’t understand why he does it. He tells himself he won’t do it anymore then he turns around and does it again. He says he doesnt know what he wants anymore, but at the same time he doesn’t want me to leave. I can’t keep doing this. I think I need a break from him, but I’m afraid to do it. He is a great father, and despite the cheating he has been a great husband. He has been my best friend for 15 yrs. We don’t even yell at each other. We are always able to talk through things and be there for each other. I think he needs professional help, but with his job and what he believes he will never get it. What do I do? When do you know it’s time to leave and how do you do it? I really do want to see him happy, with or without me.
And don t u wanna be happy dear, first and foremost?
Hi,
I’ve been married to my husband for 7 months. We dated 5 years, he is 25 and I’m 29. We have been up and down our whole.marriage as now I.realize he may be suffering from depression. He works as a prison guard from 10 pm to 6 am and works every weekend for.the past two years. Two months ago after some knock down drag outs and me being super emotional he told me his heart wasn’t in it and he felt numb, not just about me but everything. Said he felt rushed to marry and he could not give me anything emotionally because he had no.emotions left. But he never physically left, just said he was confused and that some of his needs were being neglected.
Said he honestly didn’t want anyone else and didn’t want back in the single world and backed it up with his actions (didn’t stay gone away from.home or.out to bars)
So although hurt and insecure, I worked at taking care of myself mentally and physically and tried to.start meeting the needs he states. Things turned around a whole lot for about a.month, he said so himself. However I began feelings tired of giving when he wasn’t doing much in return. I called him on this a week ago and he quickly reminded me of how he was feeling numb and coildnt give me.what I need right now. It turned into another fight and he left for work.without speaking.
I lost my cool.and texted him to not come.back to this house and how cruel I thought he was. He responded by saying the whole spiel of I can’t do this anymore, hearts not in it, we are in two different places, etc. Next morning I calledand apologized and said I was just angry and didn’t mean it. I asked if he meant what he said and he said yes. He has been at his parents house for a week now, contacting.me here and there but now only a text a day. He is super withdrawn and parents say he isn’t going out and won’t tell.them what’s going on. He has a psychiatrist appt in two days so he is wanting help.
My dillema is whether he is saying a lot of this out of depression or just can’t handle the stress of conflict at this time. Or if he truly wants out. If he texts me he is miffed when I don’t respond but if I initiate an I love u text or an im here for u text he won’t respond. Is the no contact rule best here? He wants to be alone but is prob clinically depressed. Need advice, struggling because a husband shouldn’t be gone from.home like.this and I feel like one wrong .move on my part may Make or break us
Within the past week I found out my husband was cheating on me again. This is the second time in the last two years. I was ANGRY, to say the least. I reacted badly, very badly. I screamed, threw things, told him to move out. He actually started crying and because I couldn’t see through my anger, I blurted out a “What the HELL are YOU crying for?”. Now that I have gone past this (and believe me, I am not proud it ever happened) I have realized This is not my husband. For a long time now, every time I have confronted some sort of bad behavior on his part, he’s sworn he’s done nothing wrong. But now he is crying and telling me he hates himself. One day he’s telling me he doesn’t love me – he wants a divorce. The next day he tells me he has “Feelings” for me and doesn’t know what he wants. We have been together 11 years and married for 8. I want to help him, I’ve told him that I think he needs to be evaluated for his sake, and the kid’s sake. I suspect he has depression, but we will not know that for sure until he’s seen a doctor. As angry as I was and as much as I really did want him to go, I couldn’t make him leave. So now, we are living in this VERY uncomfortable situation. I am trying to be as normal as possible, but after everything I don’t know if he’s glad i’m talking to him or wishing i’d fall off the face of the earth at that very moment. I am not a nervous person by nature, but this is abosultely driving me crazy and it’s not even been an entire week. I love him, I want to help him. But he is blaming me – saying i’m controlling. I asked him to point out exactly how I control him, but he couldn’t respond to that. I do not check his phone, ask him where he is at all times, tell him where he can go, how much money he can spend etc. I do handle the money, which he likes to micromanage and I have offered it over to him a dozen times in the last six months. He has had serious issues with control over me in the past, for example about 6 years ago he made me quit my job and move to another city or he was going to divorce me. He has not wanted me to work since then, and now is pushing me to get a job. I am suspicious that all has been because he wants to walk out on me feeling less guilty. I am lost, confused and feel like I am living with a stranger. These are very foreign emotions to me as I have always been pretty sure about where my life is at and where it’s going. He has always been a guy who has had trouble talking about his feelings. There are things I want to say, like that I am proud of him, that I love him and apologize for reacting so badly to all of this – but I haven’t the slightest clue if he wants to hear it. If I even happen to glance at him at this point, his response is “What?”. I feel like i’m living in an alternate universe, any advice would be greatly appreciated! 🙂
Hi –
I wouldn’t start blaming yourself for having gotten angry – or imagining that what you have and haven’t said is driving his behavior. You write that he has been cheating on you, lying to you, asking for a divorce, refusing to talk about his feelings and refusing to check with a doctor to see if depression might have something to do with the way he is feeling. Getting angry is a natural reaction. It’s a way of responding to a serious threat to your well-being. If you don’t set some boundaries for him in the way he behaves in your marriage, I think you will continue to suffer and be at the mercy of whatever he feels like doing. He has to take responsibility for his actions and for dealing with depression, if that is at the heart of what is happening. My wife told me that I had to get treatment or risk losing the marriage – that was years after my problems had started disrupting our relationship and after she had gotten to her own breaking point. There have to be some consequences for acting destructively in a relationship, or things just continue to go downhill. There might well be good periods when he feels better and expresses more love to you, but that can disappear just as fast with his changing moods. Depressed partners often go back and forth in talking about divorce and avoid making a decision. His getting treatment and/or seeking the help of a marriage counselor who understands the effects of depression on relationships could be the opportunity for turning things around. You also need all the support you can get.
John
He saw a psychiatrist last Tuesday. They diagnosed him as Clinically Depressed and prescribed Effexor XR. He says he is already feeling better. He is having more conversations with me (of the everyday variety) and acting more like he did before all this started. I told him it can not happen again, no matter the reason. (Not the depression, the cheating) and that he will have to make a decision. One way or another. I am hoping for the best outcome but a part of me is still preparing for him to leave. I am currently working on finding a therapist for myself to help me cope with these feelings. Thank you soo much for your reply. I have found your blog to be extremely comforting in knowing im not alone in this.
I found myself in exactly the same position as you. At the time of your post I was living at my parents with my two children. For two years I’d tried to support my husband while he lied, had online relationships (he won’t admit to anything more than that) he was angry and blamed me for everything no matter how small, if he lost his keys I’d moved them and it would be a major thing. It had gotten to the point me and the children were walking on egg shells not daring to speak or make noise so we didn’t stress him out. Then after discovering another lie and confronting him by text was the only way he would communicate honestly with me he end our 22 year relationship by text. He told me I had to leave. I had so many emotions going on I thought I was going mad , first was guilt how could I allow my husband to be on his own when he is so ill. Then worthless because he’d been talking to other woman (who when I spoke to them said they were helping him with his depression). I was angry at myself for allowing him to treat so badly. I’d got to a point where I was doing everything and anything to try and keep him happy forgiving things I shouldn’t my self esteem was at an all time low. I was angry at him for getting ill and not fighting to keep our family together. Lastly at the one I’m most shamed to admit is relief, to be free from living in such a negative confusing environment. I never would have left because I’m too loyal and I really wanted to help, I loved the man he once was. Now 7 months on me and the children live in our own place. The children (12 & 14) have shared their experience of living in a house with someone who has depression and it is damaging to the children. They are happier and don’t what us all to live together again. Our home is full laughter teasing, sibling rivalry, singing, dancing, arguments everyone is free to be who they are. I can only hope this will repair the damage done by the depression. My youngest sees his dad every other weekend my eldest wont have any contact with him she doesn’t miss the negativity and she feels nervous and scared to be around him. We are getting a divorce I am not interested in another relationship I feel it’s important for myself and my children to live a simple uncomplicated life. I hope this reply won’t be met to negatively I know maybe I sound heartless I’m not trying to encourage others to walk away. But I will say as parents we must protect our children from damage if that means not living together that’s what has to be done. I’ve also learnt just because you love someone does not mean you can treat badly and just because you love someone does mean you have to keep accepting it.
Just an update 7 weeks later, I found that my ex fiance has been communicating and reconciling with his ex from 3yrs previous for the last 5 weeks.. She has a lot of issues herself and their relationship was very dysfunctional, full of rows abuse etc. Ours was solid, stable and the complete opposite. I am very confused still, I still love him and want to reach out but he doesn’t want me. Not sure where I go from here
Hi Suzanna. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. As you may have read my man has done the same. You probably won’t like what I would suggest for you though as you love him but here it goes… because you have only been together a few short months I would run for the hills. Did he leave that ex relationship and take one up with you quite quickly? as you may be the rebound girl.. I might be wrong but if thats the case you need to run and not look back. Go out with your friends and remember who you was before him. You love him but you don’t need him, you haven’t been together long enough to depend on him for anything.
He is probably finding your loyalty and commitment worrying because of the length of time you’ve been together. Take a step back, don’t text him, you have no reason to. If he feels the same way he will come back to you but move on as if he isn’t. Men like woman, want something they can’t have so make yourself a life outside of him x
Hi Julie
Thanks. They have been split over a year and a half but had slept together at Christmas. We spent a year getting together with other commitments we just could get together so when we did we both fell hard and fast. If I could just get rid of this heartache I could get on but the mixed signals are messing with my head so much
I really need help don’t know what to do I’m lost
Thanks for your reply John. We have cut all contact for now.. with our son too because he is 3 weeks into treatment and thinks there isn’t much wrong with him really despite a therpist giving him treatment 3 times a week too! He doesn’t want to talk to anybody or see anybody, he’s turned his phone off for a while and said to contact his mom if we need anything! He is cutting himself off from the world and the people that love him. He still insists he doesn’t love me or want to be with me. I still find it incredible because I know the decent man he is. I just can’t see him right now.
I believe it’s going to get worse for him now before he gets better, I am leaving the door open for him but need to concentrate on my children for now and just pray he wants to come home when he’s feeling better so if this ever happens again we’ve both learnt a lesson and can see the signs in future.
Please help
My boyfriend of a few months broke up with me as he is depressed over a past bad relationship and recent miscarriage not with me. We met and talked he is finding it very tough dealing with things but I love him so much. I told him I would wait for him to sort it out and just text him now and again admittedly I get frightened when he doesn’t reply and panic and text again. He tells me how special I am and he’s lucky to have me. But I don’t know what to do he says he doesn’t want to lead me on and set me up for a fall and my commitment is worrying to him. When we are together everything is brilliant but he goes away and freaks out. His ex is the source of his stress but is still in contact with her.
John, also I was reading through some of teh comments and it seems to hit men more than women..is this true?
Hi, Karen –
The statistics say that twice as many women as men get depression, but I have to question that. There are so many men who will never mention depression or even be aware of the possibility that I believe the prevalence with men is understated.
John
Hey,
My boyfriend suffers from depression. It was amazing to find this article and relate his actions to what you said. Recently we broke up and I really didn’t understand what happened. He was all for working it out for months but recently he just gave up. I just didn’t get it. Reading this I see it was his way of finding solace, even though he won’t find it without help. I just don’t understand what to do. I want him back but I don’t want to cause any damage. He has pretty moderate depression, he has good days and bad days. It kills me when just the day before we broke up we were holding each other and saying how much we loved each other, making plans for the future, etc. Then the next day he just decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. I told him it came to his feelings for me and if he thought it was worth it. He said he had feelings for me but he didn’t think is was worth it. So i told him that if he couldn’t tell me yes then he was obviously leaning more towards no. He agreed and I told him then it was done. What happened? In the last few weeks he just gave up. He wouldn’t talk to me I guess hoping it would either go away or it would get worse like it did and he would be done. He never talked to me about what was wrong, how can we to expect to fix anything if we didn’t communicate. We worked so hard to build our relationship and did so much to make it work. But obviously something changed. It’s like he let all the little things build up till he couldn’t take it anymore and decided he didn’t want to deal with it. I refuse to believe he didn’t have any feelings for me or why would he keep it up for so long? But how could he just give up. What happened?
Allie
Allie, you are def not alone in this. It’s such a common occurrence and you mustn’t blame yourself. My partner and I were together for 10 years…I moved thousands of miles to be with him and up until a week before he withdrew we were just as close as ever. then he just stopped comminicating or talking or eating. It was esp horrible as his friends and workmates said he was just fine when he was with them. I came to learn that it’s common for those with depression to blame those closest to them…external things rather than address the problems within. After 4 months of me just taking care of hima nd making siure he ate and showered he finally said more than 2 words to me…those words being that he didn’t think he loved me anymore and he was moving. He did finally go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants but doesn’t think he needs talk therapy. He decided he would move out and see how he felt…to see if the time away helped. Then on the morning he left as he was going out the door he suggested I looked upon this as us breaking up. After weeks of me being on teh floor and not underatnding and crying everyday I finally got him to actually speak out loud some of teh things he thought were wrong with our relationship…and as is common and as you know they were all petty things that people in a relationship should talk about and nothing taht would break up a loving couple. It’s been 6 months since he left and I still cry and I still iss him and because there is no proper closure it is hard to move on. i have come to realize that there was nothing else I could have done. I held him when he cried and left him alone when he didn’t speak and I encouraged him when he needed it. He was and indeed still is the love of my life and my heart thinks one day he will come back but meanwhile my brain tells me to just keep going and live. Depressed people sometimes become people we don’t now…they stop doing the things they used to like and it is as if they become a totally different person. Sometimes they aren’t thinking logically and often they are very selfish…my partner tells me that he doesn’t understand it but it feels like teh right thing to do…but to me it’s like he threw teh baby out with the bathwater and abandoned the only person that understood him(me!). I hope that your boyfriend gets better and you can work things out. Look after yourself.
Hi, Allie –
Depression is an effective killer of feelings. Even if you think you’re just slightly depressed or think you’re fine, you’re quite capable of walking out on your closest relationships. Nothing seems to matter, though some people convince themselves that the relationship is at fault, and they need someone new to spark real love again. They keep thinking that an external change of some kind will bring life back, but it’s more the case that depression has blunted the ability to feel very much beyond short-term excitement and highs. What your boyfriend is going through right now may have little to do with his feelings for you since they might not be very accessible to him. It’s not so much that he’s just given up on you as that depression has made it hard for him to feel much and could well have left him deeply confused about his feelings. Depression is doing the damage, and there wouldn’t be an harm in your assuring him of your love and support. I have a post called How Can You Communicate after your depressed partner leaves – no easy answers there but a few ideas that might help.
All my best —
John
Long post so I can fill you in on the details but here it goes.
My fiance ‘D’ when he was 20 met a girl, had sex a couple of times but. the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and he broke it off. She then revealed she was pregnant so they tried again, didn’t live together until baby was born but 2 weeks in his anxiety got too much and he left. He didn’t love the mother and felt overwhelmed by the baby. The child is 7 now and he is a great dad, always has her weekly, regular and pays for her.
Now!
We met 3 years ago. I have 2 daughters from a previous. We fell completely in love. He was romantic, affectionate, everything a girl could dream of after a 7yr violent relationship with an ex. He restored my faith in men and we have been soooo happy.
Last year by accident I fell pregnant whilst using contraception. We knew D’s anxiety was going to resurface but thought we would deal with it as it happens.
We had a beautiful baby boy in February this year. Perfect! We had the 3 girls between us and now this little boy.
About a week after D broke down crying in my arms, said he don’t think he could be a good father and believed himself unable to do it. i reassured him he was doing great and we moved on.
When our boy reached 4months I noticed D was sliding downhill. He was getting migrains, palpatations, palms sweating, couldn’t sleep, feelings of guilt, feelings all he did was work and look after kids, nothing was fun anymore.. missed our old life. Loved our son dearly but missing the time we used to have together. His mum would babysit for us once a week so we could have ‘us’ time and it was great. D would be so more relaxed, happy and affectionate with me.
We had one bad week, he was quiet, distant and tired. He went to work and never came home. He is now sleeping on his mums sofa he said he didn’t feel any love for me anymore and hadn’t felt it for a couple of weeks and had been thinking of leaving for a couple of days because he can’t relax around me or baby.
He is now 11days into strong anti depressants, beta blockers and sedatives to help him sleep. He is also having cognitive behavioural therapy 3 times a week to begin cos he’s that bad.
I have tried everything to get him home but he wont because he can’t relax around us right now and because he doesn’t love me. I have told him he turned the love switch off and it will come back on but he isn’t so sure and worried if he comes home and gets better and STILL doesn’t love me then we are back to square one.
Saying this he is keeping in regular touch and visiting us 2-3 times a weeks for several hours to try integrate back into homelife. I keep breaking down and begging him home cos i can’t stand it without him. We was supposed to be getting married in 3 months time! I am trying my best to be normal around him so there isn’t any pressure but I’m terrifed of losing him 🙁
Help!
Hi, Julie –
This must be a frightening time for you as well as for your partner. There’s a lot going on that I can’t pretend to sort out, but D sounds like he’s in a generally confused and alternately fearful and unfeeling state. Whatever he says about his feelings for you in the midst of a severe depression, panic attacks and the effects of the antidepressants and sedatives, is more likely the result of his condition than an accurate reflection of his relationship with you. It’s great that he’s getting intensive therapy, but all the treatment takes a lot of time to work. It does happen that men get postpartum depression as well as women, and something about birth clearly triggers a crisis. It might help you to try some counseling as well to sort through all the anguish and hurt this trauma is causing you. It might give you some help in how to talk with him when he does visit as well as try to find a little inner peace of your own during a trying time.
All my best to you —
John
Dear John,
I will try to keep this as short as possible,
My boyfriend of two years left the town where he and I lived to move back home with his parents. He had been suffering from depression before I met him and when we got together he said that the relationship had ‘brought him out of it’ he used me as an inspiration to stop smoking cannbis, come off his medication and try and sort his life out slightly (none of which I asked him to do). We clearly adored each other for so long, then last August we broke up for a month. During that period, I was a mess but I got on with things – yet he slipped back into his depression. When he came back to me, he was begging, crying, didnt know how to live without me and I took him back in a heartbeat because I was lost without him.
In the months following (6 in total) the relationship suffered, he seemed to get more and more depressed, his business was going down the pan, he felt like a failure as he always seemed to do for as long as i remember. He started using cannabis again and sleeping all the time, not eating, not engaging in anything, he was like a zombie. He would react so badly when I got upset, as if the sight of me crying made him angry or under pressure. I was losing who I was and it all got so horrible in the last month or so. He told me he was leaving town, moving back home a month before he was due to leave – he said he wanted to make things work but he needed to know what he wanted to do for himself and to find himself…yet he was becoming increasingly distant and wouldnt even say goodbye to me when he left. His eyes were dead. He would cry every now and then and then would stare into space. Nothing there. He had told me on numerous occasions that I was the one, that he had never felt like this for anyone else – but he couldnt say goodbye because it was all too much.
Anyway, we met a week later, decided we needed to learn who we were as separate people in order to hopefully make the relationship work again in the future, but to keep in contact. However, at the same time, his mother who was already suffering with cancer had been told that her secondary cancers had grown, that she would need to have a life threatening operation. My ex went into lockdown, cut me off completely and has since old me he felt nothing and thought of nothing but his mum – which I understand, because I cannot imagine being in that situation. I did not speak to him for 2/3 months. I was in hospital, and was devestated when he didnt come down to see me, but his mum was very sick – and he did text me asking if i was ok, he seemed concerned.
Anyway, his mum is now in recovery and my ex and I are beginning to speak but only via email. This comes from me saying that I needed to get closure, to move on, because I was (and still am) breaking my own heart longing for a man that I dont know if I have lost. I didnt really mean that I wanted closure, but I just needed to know where I stood. He has refused to meet up with me, insisting that he needs to make all contact via email at first, and then we will meet up. He says in his emails that he has never felt so low, dejected, lost – he even sounds resentful towards his parents because his ‘advice goes unheeded’. Bottom line is he feels like a failure, I dont know why, I think he is the most beautiful man in the world. I think he believes i am worth more, he puts a lot of emphasis that I am young (23, he is 33), I have a degree, a future, everything. In his emails he says that sometimes the thought of me breaks him down because I have been the most beautiful thing in an otherwise ugly life. That he wants to find a friendship out of it now, that I am important to him. He says he is scared if he sees me that he will break down, or say something he doesnt mean, or not say what he feels right – therefore email gives him the chance to work things through in his head. He says i inspire him to get counselling and that he has eventually picked up the phone and called a doctor so he wants very desperately to beat this.
I want to be there for this man, I love him regardless of what he seems to do. I want to be compassionate, but I want to get him back as my boyfriend, even if it takes a year – I have brought a ticket to Australia to try and learn things for myself, I have also been getting counselling to work on my issues. I guess I am scared that this is all a lost cause, I dont know if you can come out the mist of depression and still love the person you were with when you were in it. I am terrified. Im even more scared that so many months on that I still dont want to give up on him, and he will just find someone else.
Thanks, sorry this is so long
Becci
Hi, Becci –
I’m sorry this is happening and can understand how hard it is to deal with the uncertainty and the radical changes in your boyfriend’s behavior and apparent feelings toward you. It’s natural to assume that his feelings relate directly to you, but it could be that they are mostly about depression and not about his feelings for you at all. The terrible thing about depression in a relationship is that you can’t tell what’s going on. There really is no cause for his dead eyes and shutting down apart from the fact that he is depressed, but you can’t help but feel his behavior as anything but a rejection of you. The problem seems that he isn’t doing much to get well. I’m glad he’s called a doctor – that’s a hopeful first step. He has a long way to go to get well, and that needs to happen, I think, before he can get clear about feelings for you and the rest of his life beyond depression. There’s just no way to know what will happen. I hope you will take care of yourself since this is clearly such an agonizing time.
All my best – and thank you for sharing this story.
John
Dear John,
I stumbled across your site today and read with great interest. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me suddenly this past February. I was stunned, shocked and terribly hurt. It seemed to come completely out of the blue. He had mentioned in the past that he suffered from mild depression but in the 3 years we were together there were no major depressive episodes and if there were minor ones he hid them well. He also suffers from what I now have learned is Anxiety Disorder which appears to run hand in hand with depression. I am the only one who knows of his depression and just how bad its been lately. No one in his family or any of his friends know what’s going on with him. For the past four months I have been extremely supportive – finding websites, ordering books for him to read as well as for myself to read, encouraging him to get help. All the while he insists this is something he needs to handle on his own – by himself. I’ve told him its dangerous for him to isolate from the only person who knows what’s going on and for the past 4 months he’s been good about returning texts and emails. However, this last week he’s begun to become more distant and when we talked he stated that if we’re meant to be we will be. He was colder than usual and still insisting that he needed to do this on his own so I asked him if he saw us together in the future and he said ‘not anytime soon’ so I finally told him that I was letting him go, that I hoped he would be okay and I wished him the best. After I said this he told me that he had begun to slide back down and so he’s pushing me away again. I’ve told him that I love him, that I am here for him if he needs me but that I can’t continue to be the one to reach out to him. I told him I won’t contact him but that he can contact me if he needs to and I would be there for him. He says he loves me and misses me. He is going to his first appointment with a therapist this Saturday and I’m so happy for him that he’s getting help. He told me that he’s going because he loves me and now I feel like I have abandoned him but it was just too painful for me. I’m so afraid that I may have done more harm than good by cutting ties and now I don’t know what to do.
Hi, Carolyn –
I think you’ve acted with great courage and have given him good advice. You haven’t abandoned him at all. He is the only one who can work on his own recovery, and you’ve given him all you can in setting him in the right direction. But he has to do it on his own. Recovering from depression takes a lot of time, and I hope he does it not out of a sense of obligation to you but because he is committing to a long struggle to get his life back.
My best to you both —
John
I have been with a guy for three years, two of them we have been living together. 6 months ago he started feeling depressed. He didn’t know why, and still dont. He is a student (27 years), stoped going to uni, used all his time sleeping or watching TV. He told me that he was very disappointed with himself, but could not figure out why he was so tired and depressed. He took a whole lot of tests at the doctor, but everything came back normal. After a while he started going to theraphy. Still he was tired and careless.
Two months ago he decides to break things of with me. He said that he needed it to be over so that he could just focuse on himself. He moved out. We have had a lot of good talks after the breakup. He says that this is what he needs to do for us to “survive”. He tell his friends that “he will not be suprised if it will be me and him again for the long run”. And he tells me that there is still hope for us to get together again, but for now we cant be togther.
I have tried everything. The first few weeks after the break up I showed him how sad I was, told him how much I loved him and that our relationship was to important to just let go. The last month I have only been supportive, positive and kind whenever we have contact. He knows what I feel, and that I am here for him whenever he needs me. Still Im always the one to take contact. One week ago we talked on the phone. I told him that if less contact was what he belived will bring us togheter again, then I would stop with the every second or third day contact. I would give him time, and try to trust him. He said that this ment alot to him, and that he still belives that its hope for us.
It is really hard to be positive. Every day I think of him, miss him and it hurts. I feel like the only thing that can get me in a better mood is him, but then again I cant contact him. And I dont want to tell him just how much I cry and pray, because I belive that he has enough dealing with himself. I try to be strong, but I miss him so much. Should I just move on, or should I wait?
In three weeks I am moving to another town to work for two months… this scares me, since its a 5 hour drive, and we will never see each other during that time.
Some people say that if he needs time I should give it to him and not contact him. Others say that its important that I stay in contact, if not he might feel that I have given up on us. We have an agreement that when one of us feel that there is no hope left, we will tell the other. What should I do? Should I wait for him to contact me, even if it will take weeks, or should I call him now and then to hear how everything is going?
He is still seeing a therapist and started on meds one week ago.
Thanks for the reply. I’ve been striving hard to take care of myself and keeping busy these past few days. Going out with friends and exercising helps me a bit. I’m a bit confused with his actions. One day I was the first to communicate with him and asked how he was doing and asked him out which he responded with yes. We had a brief conversation. A few hours after our conversation, he left a message on my wall (which isn’t much.) which probably just reminded him of me. I also learned from a friend that he asked her how I was doing. Some of my friends say that he’s just probably doing that because he feels guilty that he hurt me and so that I won’t get that much mad at him or so that he could ease the pain he caused me.
I’m torn between wanting to ask for a second chance and fight for this relationship or just respect his decision. I don’t really know what to believe in since now I’ve learned that a depressed mind works a bit differently with people who aren’t depressed. I’m so confused.
Follow up question:
Does it still seem to be depression causing all of this or does it appear he isn’t depressed anymore and blames me for the depression he was in before he left…or both?
My husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years married for 2 of it in April. Before the wedding, I knew he had ptsd and depression issues. He agreed and went to a bit of counseling which seemed to work and we got married. Out of our 24 months of marriage he has been deployed for 13 months. The remaining 11 months have been in small increments (5 months, 3 weeks, 3 months, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc). He is Air Force. When he came home from Greece in May 2011 he was extremely withdrawn, slept all the time, had migraines, nightmares, etc. I was able to convince him to see a doctor and he was diagnosed with low lever PTSD and low level depression. He then received orders for a 1 year remote tour in Saudi Arabia and left Jan. 2012. We had several small arguments before then and 2 big ones. I will admit I started most of them because he was so withdrawn. He wouldn’t talk to me or anyone. He didn’t want to go anywhere except ride his bicycle. All the while, he was telling me it was the PTSD and work issues…etc. I did get him into marriage counseling but we were only able to complete 3 sessions before he went on a TDY in October 2011.
When he returned home in Dec 2011 I asked to go to counseling again and he stated he just wanted to spend the next 3 weeks getting as close to me as possible. We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s. He left New Year’s Day and left his wedding vows on my pillow for me to find when I returned from the airport.
We spent the next 3 months skyping and IM’ing via facebook. All he did was complain about Saudi and how much he missed home. We made arrangements for me to travel to Saudi to visit him for 6 weeks. 13 days before I made the trip, on March 26thhe called and told me he wanted a divorce. I was totally blindsided. Only 5 days prior we had finalized the trip details and he was telling me he couldn’t wait to see me.
I waited a week to email him and he says he feels “numb”. He admits he became submissive to me as a way to prevent arguments (not who he used to be) and now is doing something about it, running away. He said he didn’t want me to make the trip to Saudi that he was “disgusted with himself”. He said he realized that “all he was doing was running”. He also said he felt he was “too frail” to deal with anything. He doesn’t believe a divorce is still running.
I flew to Saudi anyway to talk and we had a mostly wonderful 3 days. I left with such high hopes we would be okay. Then he arrived at our home in Arizona on April 23 with a moving truck. No warning, no phone call etc. Instead of moving out however he stayed and talked to me for 8 hours and couldn’t actually do it. He admitted he volunteered for the remote in Saudi back in September (while being treated for PTSD and depression) to get away from me. During our 8 hour talk he said he was “afraid” to go back to the routine we had been in since he returned home from Greece. I tried using logic to show how we could prevent backsliding to no avail. He said he had “no faith in himself” to prevent that and he was sorry. He also said that he has been blaming himself for any problems in the relationship because I made him believe he had PTSD and depression. He said he wasn’t going to blame himself anymore. That night he did agree to go speak to a Chaplin and we could talk more the next day.
The next day he arrived with his dad and a moving van and moved most of his stuff out. He didn’t see the Chaplin. He refuses counseling. I can’t dare say anything regarding PTSD/depression because that would only push him further away. He hired a lawyer but says they’re “standby only” and wants to work things amicably. I do NOT want a divorce. He is back in Saudi now and I haven’t spoken to him in 8 days.
I have found out he is likely having an affair. He is also telling all of his friends and family I was verbally abusive, manipulative, controlling, crazy, and generally not a good person. He has spent over $14k in the last 4 months. Of course before the D bomb, when I tried to bring up money he would get defensive and/or stonewall me. Now he is using my responsibile financial prowess against me as a demonstration of how I “controlled” him. My main solice is knowing I am none of those things…well not any more than any other woman anyway…I have been seeing a counselor on my own to soften my tone and work on cognitive techniques but he says it’s too little too late. I love you but I am not IN love with you.
His parents are no help. They told me to “put my feelings in a box” and go back to work. They do not acknowledge he has ever had any issues and therefore he must be right and I must be the problem. He has pretty much abandoned all of his friends here in Az and I have no knowledge of what he is doing in Saudi. I am just trying to pick up my life and make myself happy as much as I can. It’s easier said than done. To me, it is sooo obvious. He is trying to have his orders changed so he will not have to return to AZ because it will “remind him of me too much”.
I am clinging to hope and trying to mentally prepare for the worst, hoping that God and love will gets us through this. He wasn’t able to look me in the eye and tell me he wanted a divorce. He has only told me via phone and email a total of 4 times.
Is there anything else I can should be doing to try to save my marriage? I mean he is 7000 miles away. He is currently not the man I married but I truly believe with help, he could return back to himself and hope and pray for that everyday.
Thank you in advance,
Ashley
PS-it should be noted be noted that he has “run” from his problems before and he has developed what seems to be a compulsive lying disorder. He says he is ashamed he lied (the times I have caught him) but he was only doing it because he was “afraid of my reaction” if he told the truth. I have never gotten angry over the truth, only when I discover a lie.
Hi, Ashley –
I’m sorry you have to go through this without being able to get clear answers, but your husband seems to have cut off communication pretty effectively. One of the worst things is the torture of not really knowing what he’s been feeling, thinking or doing. It’s only natural to focus on what he is going through, but I hope you can put your own needs at the head of the list. Whatever role depression and ptsd play, he has not treated you well – especially in blaming you for his problems and describing you so viciously to his family and friends. You mention seeing a therapist, but it sounded as if you were doing that as a way to work on things your husband didn’t like – I can’t be sure – but I hope you can keep working with a therapist entirely for your own sake. The only way marriages are saved is by two people trying to repair whatever damage has been done. Treating depression or ptsd is a crucial step in that direction for him, but it doesn’t sound like he is willing to do that, much less stay engaged to work things out in your relationship. Taking care of yourself is one of the few things you do have some control over in this situation. You haven’t caused any of this, and given what you’re finding out about the behavior he concealed from you, he hasn’t even given you a chance to have the sort of marriage where two people can work through bad times. I think you’re doing what you can do by taking care of what you need right now. I know the longing to bring back the person he was, but the reality is what he is quite consciously doing to you now. I hope you get the support and sympathy you need to keep yourself well. All my best —
John
Hi John –
My husband of 13 yrs. “feel out of love” with me almost two years ago now. I had to file for divorce (he hadn’t after
8 months of living apart), he told me “I needed to move on”, but for some reason seems to continue
to reach out to me for “silly” things.
He always needs me to watch his dog, gave me a birthday and gift card, sends me “Happy Easter”
text, wanted to know if I knew of any AC companies, etc.
I now know for sure he suffers from depression and anxiety and is an alcoholic. The day he “feel out of love” he described having an anxiety attack and had been withdrawn from me and my boys before the
“big announcement”.
He says he’s “moved on” and is seeing someone (which he wanted to know if I’m happy he has someone) which I think is really strange to ask of the wife he’d ambushed with the news that he was
out of love with……and thought things in our marriage were good.
His father passed away a few months ago, and the entire time his dad was passing away he would text me almost a “play by play”. He also wanted me to know that he told him I loved him just as he was passing…..I know he was my father in law for 13yrs, but it did seem strange he felt I needed to be included in such details, at one point I asked if he knew he was sending the messages to me and not his
new girlfriend.
I know some of it must be guilt because he was not honest with me during our marriage, and I’m sure
he feels bad that he kissed me and told me he loved me earlier that morning and them “dumped” me after dinner that same day.
When/if does the guilt for him go away? I’ve made it more than clear that I’ve forgiven him, I show him
by my actions, that I’m not angry with him….I don’t understand how he reaches out about dogs, AC companies etc, but we can’t have a conversation ever about our son.
I love this man, but know that true love is letting go. He makes it difficult when he does such nice things, such as putting a birthday card on my front door, or when he thanks me so many times after I
watch the dog (it was my dog too before the divorce, so I’m just spending time with him).
I also wonder if he’s happier with the new girlfriend. I wonder if his depression will get better now that they are together…….she drinks also I hear.
I do believe he does these things for himself and not really for me. He told me the day he was “out of love” that “I’m his best friend, the best mother to our son, his number one supporter”, etc.
When I do get text from him wishing happy birthday, Easter, needing my help with things, I do get really confused, this is a man who has the means to get anything he needs, and the business connections, etc. It makes me wonder if he’s just
trying to stay in some type of contact with me. The last text about needing an AC company was really
strange, he stated “I think I need you…..LOL! then went on to mention his AC may be out.
I guess I have to remind myself not to read too much into these text, or pretend to myself they mean anything or that there’s an emotional connection. I also have to remind myself of the statement he made to me months after we separated was that
“he’s empty, sad and soulless”.
I just don’t understand these actions, and can’t understand how or why he feels the need to do this
knowing this was not an amicable break up. He doesn’t seem to be of any help with our son. He
only see’s him once every two weeks for dinner, and doesn’t even text about him, his grades, school,
therapy or overall well being.
just confused-
Hi, Gina –
I can understand the confusion, but the behavior you describe is not that unusual in depression. Sometimes, you are so remote from your own feelings that you go back and forth. It’s often true that a depressed partner will not make a decision about divorce or take any step toward finality. They can drift because they don’t know what they feel – or don’t feel anything deeply – and can’t let go of the emotional security they’ve had, even with the partner they’ve been pushing away. One way some people deal with this is to be clear about boundaries – to make your own rules about when and why he should get in touch, rather than remain dependent on his confusing signals. He probably won’t stop behaving this way on his own. Being clear with him is one way of getting back in control of your emotional life. Does that make any sense?
John
Thanks John, It does make sense. I just didn’t see this in him during our marriage. He seemed
so “together” and in charge in his personal life as he is in his business life.
He still seems so “together” to others, but I see a side I’m not sure anyone else can or will ever see.
I wonder if he’s happier now, and maybe I’ve been the cause of his anxiety, depression and
alcoholism?
I hear myself even say this, and I don’t think I or anyone can ever be the reason someone feels
“empty, sad and soulless”……but I often wonder if someone else will make him feel full, happy
and a man with a soul.
I wish I had the education I now have on this illness and wish I could have reached out more to him, to try and help him or just tell him I understand it.
My son also is suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and has admitted he gets depressed and is in
therapy……which I see a connection between his actions, and what I could see looking back in his dad.
My son’s therapist has also mentioned “bipolar disorder”, which makes much sense to me as I see the text book signs and symptoms in not only my son but also his dad…..could explain the
“on and off” behavior of my ex.
I just want to stop “blaming” myself, or “questioning” what/if I could have done more, been
more supportive.
Why do I doubt when the evidence is right in front of me? I once thought I was in a good place
mentally, but I find myself even wondering if I’m emotionally and mentally healthy?
I can’t tell you how much your site has really helped me and I find I need to visit it and remind
myself that these actions are his.
I pray for him and my son and know that I “didn’t cause this and I can’t cure it”.
thanks-
My Husband has left me to see his family in England and doesn´t want to come back to Spain. He has been depressed for a year and wants to move back to the UK permanently. He has been looking for work in the UK also.
I have agreed to this but we cannot sell our house here and all our commitments are here at the moment. His work has dried up and he just wants to provide a future for us which is making him feel guilty. I just want to concentrate on getting this house sold so we can move back to the UK together. My father lives here and my husband doesn´t want me to be far from him. My father wants me to be happy and do what I feel is right. My husband and I have no children and he is living with his parents. He has left a few messages on our answering machine and says that he loves and misses me. He has been gone nearly two weeks but won´t come back. I can´t speak to him because he is so dismissive of everything I suggest. He keeps putting barriers up and finding ways just to be left alone. He seems to have left me with everything to do here and is living in a bubble with his parents. He seems to have gone back to being a teenager again where he got spoilt by his parents and they are taking care of him. We have been married nearly ten years and he is the best husband in the world (until the last year).
I can´t see my life without him and I am heartbroken.
Please help.
Hi, Donna –
I’m sorry to hear about this – it must be really frustrating to feel so blocked when you try to get through to him. I can’t tell from what you say if his depressive isolation is new or there’s a history of it in his life or family. If this is a problem brought on by the trouble with his work, then it could be a one-time episode that would respond well to therapy or other treatment. Do you know what his parents think of this? If your husband isn’t listening to your suggestions, could they persuade him to talk to a counselor? You don’t have to think of yourself as depressed to seek help in that way. It’s a matter of sorting out difficult issues and making important life decisions – just a way of getting unstuck. Is he resistant to that sort of thing?
John
Hello John,
My husband has never been the depressive type and comes from a solid family background. He doesn´t talk very much and never opens up about his feelings. He was coming back to Spain last week but some temp work has come up for him in England. He now says he doesn´t love me enough to carry on but he does care and thinks about me every minute. He also said he cries every night and misses me so much. I have told him I love him very much and want him back but he said he can´t. He really is the nicest person in the world and this is so out of character. His father treats him like he is 10 and loves having him back there. I know he misses his family but we agreed once we sell here in Spain we can go back to be near them. (My husband is only 31). I believe he is torn to leaving them and coming here. He hasn´t called for 5 days – shall I leave him and try and move on? He has all his stuff here in our house and a mortgage and joint accounts. I feel as though he has died and I am grieving seeing all his stuff around. 3 Weeks ago I had my husband here and now he has gone and I am devastated. I have a few friends here and my father lives nearby. We are all so shocked at his behaviour.
Hi, Donna –
This situation is recent and must feel so raw emotionally that it doesn’t sound like a good time to try to make a final decision about anything. Has your husband expressed any willingness to talk with a counselor about his own feelings or perhaps jointly with you to work on staying together? He seems confused about his feelings but not ready (?) to see himself in the midst of a crisis. Have others besides you told him how shocking they think his behavior is? Sometimes it helps to hear things like that from people you respect but who are outside the central relationship.
John
This situation sounds so much like mine… I would love to know what even happened with u2..
Hi John.
The love of my life broke up with me a few days ago. We’ve been dating for more than four years. the reasons he said were that there are others who are far more deserving than he is and that he has a lot of problems. Last four years have been rough on him. He experienced the sudden death of his dad, brother got sick, and recently failed major subjects in his school. he blames himself for the death of his dad and puts a lot of pressure on himself because he said his relatives expect a lot from him due to his dad’s death, and even sometimes thinks about killing himself. He told me that he thinks he has depression and I told him that he should get help but he doesn’t want to.
We have been in a long distance relatinoship since we live in different parts of the city and our jobs are so time demanding that he hardly has time for me. We rarely see each other and seldom talk. I have complained to him that he has more time with his friends in school than he has with me. i felt neglected but tried to be understanding and patient because of what he was going through. I told him that he should make time with me even if it’s just leaving me simple messages. I have told this reasons to him and it gets better for a while then it will happen again. I told him to open up to me when he has problems or when he feels like it but he became emotionally distant as well and preferred to be with his friends drinking and smoking the night away.
I asked him what he wanted and he said that he wants to continue what we have in our relationship but said that things would just repeat itself and we would just have fights all over again.
All of our friends know that we broke up but he still hasn’t told his family. I told him that I dont want to be just a label because we really had something. He said I was his bestfriend. We ended on good terms and we still talk. I asked if there was a chance that we could still be together in the future and he said, “maybe.”
But I guess he’s saying, “maybe” so I wouldn’t expect. Because he said if I expect, I might get hurt. In addition to the “maybe” that he said, when I asked if there was a chance that we would be together in the future, he also said, “maybe. when I’m stable,” which probably meant that when his internal problems have been resolved. He also said that because he says that it’s unfair for me to be doing my role and giving efforts to be a gf while he isn’t able to do he’s part. He says that he doesn’t feel like a man for how he’s treating me. I guess his pride got lost too. It pains me to see him self-destruct.
he’s the type of person who usually keeps problems to himself. Also, in the span of time that we’ve been together, I’ve seen him cry only about 4x-5x. And when he broke up with me, he cried. It’s a matter of pride and his ego I think. And his mother always told me that he was just like his father. His mother said that it really is not in his nature to share his deepest thoughts and feelings. He makes sure that he is in control of his emotions. I also can’t blame him for acting the way he does because he’s going through a lot. All his life he has been sheltered by his parents and never really had big life changing problems. This is the reason why I think he doesn’t know how to handle what he is going through.
I know I should move on but thinking about what we had makes me hopeful that someday, he’ll regain himself back once all of this is done. I know it’s selfish of me, but I think I’m best person he should be with.
I still love him very much and I am hoping that we still end up together. Do you think things will get better for us? I have stepped back so he could have space. I don’t text him or message him first. I just let him initiate contact when he wants to.
Most people I know told me to move on and take care of myself (and that is what I have been doing for the past 5 days). One friend of mine told me that when she was sad, she shut everyone out until she fell out of love for her ex. I’m scared to know if my ex also fell out of love for me or if he really just has a lot on his plate. Please help and pray for me.
Now I am thinking if I did the right decision in accepting his wishes. I am thinking that maybe I should’ve fought for our relationship and asked him to stay and tell him that we’re in this together no matter now hard times may be for us. I am regretting my decision for not fighting for him, for us, and for what we had.
Hi, DragonGirl –
I’m sure you’re feelings will shoot all over the place about this. If you’re worried, you can always send him a message to tell him how important the relationship is … whatever you need to say. But it’s easy to start thinking that something you do or say will make a big difference about his depression, and I think you know that’s not true. From everything you say, it will be very hard for him to get help – even though he can talk about depression and suicidal thinking to you. If he can’t get clear about his own deepest problems and deal with them, he certainly can’t be all that clear about his feelings for you and the importance of the relationship. Depression isn’t always about despair, it’s often about not feeling much of anything – it’s easy to hibernate away from those closest to you because you don’t feel connected and it’s hard to imagine that anyone could feel deeply about you. If he can realize that help is available and that it’s OK for him to ask for it, there would certainly be hope that he can get back in touch with his feelings for you. In the meantime, you need to take care of your needs too.
John
John,
Your reply to DragonGirl was actually timely for me. The line: “Depression isn’t always about despair, it’s often about not feeling much of anything – it’s easy to hibernate away from those closest to you because you don’t feel connected and it’s hard to imagine that anyone could feel deeply about you,” is clearly how my husband feels. We used to be so connected, best of friends. When I try to converse with him now, he looks everywhere…but at me. The TV, out the window. He walks into the kitchen and busies himself, all while I attempt to connect with him in some way – any way! Our son said of trying to talk to his dad one day, ‘it’s like talking to a brick wall’.
Even though he is going to therapy and really seems to like his therapist, she will often call him out, saying she doesn’t think he is being completely truthful or is telling her everything. This resonates with “if he can’t get clear about his own deepest problems and deal with them, he certainly can’t be all that clear about his feelings for you and the importance of the relationship.”
I am working to take care of myself, as that sometimes is all I can do.
Thanks, Sandie
Hi, Sandie –
I’m afraid I’ve seen that brick wall when I’ve looked in the mirror during bad depressions. It’s good that his therapist calls him out on his holding back – and a good thing that he tells you this. The fact that you all seem to be open about what’s going on is another good sign. Keep taking care of yourself. That is the important thing you can do!
John
Hi John,
Thanks for the reply. I’ve been striving hard to take care of myself and keeping busy these past few days. Going out with friends and exercising helps me a bit. I’m a bit confused with his actions. One day I was the first to communicate with him and asked how he was doing and asked him out which he responded with yes. We had a brief conversation. A few hours after our conversation, he left a message on my wall (which isn’t much.) which probably just reminded him of me. Some of my friends say that he’s just probably doing that because he feels guilty that he hurt me and so that I won’t get that much mad at him or so that he could ease the pain he caused me.
I don’t really know what to believe in since now I’ve learned that a depressed mind works a bit differently with people who aren’t depressed. I’m so confused.
Hello John, I’m going through about the same as this other lovely persons here, gives Me peace to see it’s not unusual.
My husband suffered depression about two years ago we were not married yet and he broke up w Me w no reason, but two months later he said he couldn’t see life w’out Me and we came back together, we got married last year, he lives in another country and I was supposed to move in w Him this month, but he’s been depressed since last December,out of nowhere, no reason at all as we never argued or anything, so I thought it was SAD disorder, then he lost his job in January, after that the depression symptoms have gone worst he said he was feeling hopeless and there was nothing good coming to him, he is like another person now, even his voice sounds diferent! Well about 10 days ago he said he wanted to live alone that he couldn’t help feeling this way…that’s all he said, I reminded him we are married, most of my belonging are w him already we are in the middle of paperwork for my moving to his country and last thing I said was fine try living alone for a while, I’ll be here when you need Me :(.
Now it’s been 10 days without his even trying to contact Me.
He didn’t accept he was depressed, I suggested him to get help, go to therapy, he sad he was not sad, that it was just daily stress, I asked for help from his family and friends to suggest him as Me Not to take any drastic decisions now… nobody wants to get involved, they agree he seems different but they say it’s this tis time of the year people gets blue (but it’s April already!!)… I’m just hoping like last time he’ll “wake up” to reality soon … but it’s been over 4 months now!
Anybody’s going through this too…?? Any one has seen recovery?
He wont let me help.
I’m taking care of my mental health, taking reiki and sending him healing reiki, at least it gives me peace.
Anyways, Thanks for reading Me.
Mg
Hi, Mg –
I’m sorry you’re going through this and can only hope that your husband soon recognizes depression for what it is and gets some help. In the meantime, you’re doing the right things to take care of yourself. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot more you can do, except let him know of your support. Depressive episodes don’t have a time limit, although I’ve read that an average length is about 8 months. Averages don’t say anything about one person’s experience. It’s not just the length of one episode, however – the worst thing is that it can happen again. If he doesn’t get help and do his own hard work of recovery, his chances for recurrence keep increasing with each new episode. His family and friends seem to interpret the idea of getting help as “drastic decisions” – but there’s nothing drastic about it. There are cultural barriers to admitting emotional problems, and the label “mental illness” only makes it worse, but depression is so common worldwide that it’s treated almost like routine healthcare. Checking with his regular doctor is one place to start – that’s what most people do. Whatever happens, I hope this works out best for your both.
Thanks for sharing your story.
John
Thank you John for your blog and interest in other peoples cases, believe me it helps a lot reading Your story and others too! I hope too he recognizes he needs profesional help! Reading other stories depression appears to be something pretty common in English men as my husband therefore don’t take so seriously to get professional help.
Anyways I hope I bring good news here and cheer up some other readers then.
Stay well John, thanks for all.
Mg
Hello John, I am so confused right now, my husband, (as I said bfore, he lives in another country, at his parents’ house) he’s just moved to his own flat, as I’ve been told by my sis in law…So now I’m confused, last thing he said was he wanted to live on his own, to live by himself… very cold just said he was sorry this would hurt Me, he didn’t really seemed to be worried about Me didn’t show any regrets, remorse, nor guilt at all … are this non-feelings part of the illness? now he’s moved out, could this be a start for him to feel better? He hasn’t gotten any help, Will his being by himself help him at all or make him miss Me? However, he’s not comunicating w Me at all! 🙁
Hope you can clear my doubts w your experience. Thanks always John.
Mg
I’d like to add John, he hasn’t said goodbye neither mention he does not want to see me again, like a robot just said ”I just feel I want to be by myself now and live on my own, sorry I just can’t help the way I feel”
Thanks John, I just keep trying to convince myself he is depressed and someday his head and emotions will be back in track again.
Take care and thanks again.
Mg
Hi, Mg –
I’m sorry to hear about this – it must be so terrible for you. But it is true that depression often deadens feelings. Nothing, even the closest relationship, seems to matter. I lived in that state for a couple of years, thinking I was fine but completely unreachable and uncaring about anyone’s feelings. I doubt that he will get better without help. Depression can come to an end by itself, but then it can return and the same problems come up all over again. In my experience, you need to try different types of treatment until the right one is found. I hope he will come to realize the importance of getting help.
John
Thank you as always John, stay well.
Mg
Hello John, things are not going too well, my husband just said that “It’s time to realize he is not coming back this time … that he is not depressed and don’t need Me to save him from anything! That he just wants to be on his own. That I have to go on w my life, and he is fine that he just needs to be alone” This made me feel worst than I was, my hope for him to recover was killed, BUT he wrote this in a Saturday night after 2am, I know he was drinking … ! And obviously is in denial of his illness,
Is it possible that depression won’t let him any GUILT … any remorse or regrets on his acts? eventhough I’ve seen him changing drastically into this ‘monster” w all the symptoms for the last 6 months I’m sure he is depressed, how come in depression can’t ask for divorce or dividing our things which is “normal” things to do or say in break ups, isn’t it? Just says he wants to be alone … yeah but he don’t mention at all anything else, you know legal issues, etc! I feel as if he’s evading reality!! I’m gonna step aside for a while as he wants, eventhough I’m sure when he “recovers”or wakes up to reality and he notices what he has done … the GUILT, pain regrets and remorses will hit him bad, I feel so bad for him, I just hope it’s not too late for us when he realizes it all. You’re my inspiration to go on John… well actually Your wife and you for writting about it, makes me think there’s hope, eventually … cheers for you both!!
Thanks for reading me John, hope you are ok.
hugs
Mg
Dear John, it’s been 2years now since I wrote here… Now I understand my husband’s behavior, he was sad and distant for months until he decided to leave me the day he was diagnosed MND, I didn’t know he was terminally ill until his parents wrote to me and told me, I thought it was too selfish not letting me to be with him during this fatal disease, he didn’t want me around only his parents and children … He just passed away, he left me empty and heartbroken, he passed away 3years after diagnosed which was 1year after we got married.
Rest in peace my beloved, no more sadness or depression in your life. <3
Thank you John for this wonderful site!
I have been with my partner 4 years (we are not married but are currently building a home together, due to be completed in Sept this year). We have a very loving, supportive, honest relationship. As of feb 2012 he told me he feels he is depressed (I had not noticed any signs, and even looking back now, I still can’t??). Since him opening up in Feb, he dramatically went down hill in the following week, with suicidal thoughts, claiming he “didn’t feel a spark” so that meant he “must not be IN love with me”.
He works in a very stressful job usually 12hour days, and trains for triathlons when he is not working. I feel as though his job and teh training has burnt him out completely. Although, he is not willing to explore or admit that perhaps his job is causing the stress.
He has been great in seekings professional help, seeings his GP, psychologist and using chinese medicine too! This has definately taken it’s told on me……. I am constantly stressed, anticipating what will I come home to today? will he talk to me today?
I am constantly confrontd with the roller coaster of emotions that are “being in a relationship is too much right now” , “maybe I just fell out of love and we are not meant to be” .
The hardest part about this is he seems to think its our relatinship that has caused the depression (even though he has a father, aunty and 2 cousins with depression).
He has now developed anxiety, which is he fixating to the isea that “he is not in love”. To constantly hear this from the man you love so dearly and would do any thing for, really takes a toll on your self esteem and emotionally drains you.
His therapist has told him that he has a “fear” of me, and that fears cannot be over come, so if he stays with me, he will never recover from his depression. I am speechless about this!!!
When I questioned him as to why is has the “fear” of me, he stated he “doesn’t know” but his therapist is a very wise man so it must be true.
Sometimes I question whether I am cut out for this. I deserve to be in relationship wheer I am happy, feel secure and loved…….. BUT I love him.
Any help or advice would be great. Is this common for the partner to be blamed, or thought not to be in love with??
Sarah
Hi, Sarah –
There may not be much agreement about what causes depression, but it’s not the relationship with you, especially with his family history. The advice from the therapist sounds very strange, to put it mildly, but you’re hearing your partner’s interpretation of his therapist’s comment. That’s not necessarily what the therapist actually said. It might help you to get your own counseling, since you’re being blamed unfairly and have to live now with so much stress. You seem to be thinking of your own needs, and that’s important.
Thanks for commenting.
John
Hi there,
My partner of 2 years who has a problem with depression is a national sports person and his sport has been his life moving from country to country since he was very young playing it in the summer season. Last year he moved back home to be with me and make us work. Was his first winter at home. Other than being with me he hated it, he hates Auckland for various reasons within his sports world and just how big it is and how long it takes to get around. He is in another part of the country after we secured him a contract to play softball there for the summer and I have been commuting flying to him as often as I can. However the big national finals were just recently and he made it to the second innings and was then pulled off and replaced as he as the pitcher let in a few runs. The team end ed up losing and he was embarrassed and totally devasted. He completely had a melt down that night and cried like a baby while hugging me and I could see the dispair. I really felt for him. He text me after his flight home to say ‘baby I need you’. I replied and said I’m right here and only a phone call or plane flight away … always here for him. Since that day however he has gone into a FTW frame of mind and has withdrawn from me and gone in to a really dark place and almost anything I said would cause him to bite ande it just felt like I oculdn’t do anything right to please him. I even told him this. The arguments became more frequent over really trivial things and then just last weekend he was up for the long weekend … again we had an awesome loving time together but atleast once every day we argued over something silly. The final straw was when because of his behaviour I had asked (in a nice way) if I could have a look at his phone (he has lied to me earlier on in the relationship with texts and emails – that he so regretted and I know he learnt his lesson and I do trust him) however the long distance with the change in his behaviour I couldn’t help but ask the question – honestly was hoping he would just say ‘go for it’ and then I wouldn’t have looiked – his reaction howver was mental. He went in to a rage – why can’t I just trust him and let him go etc… It was a really bad and he stormed out wanting to leave and not be in the house. The next day we sorted it out and were telling each other how much we loved each other and making plans to be together agasin for good in the same place. No more long distance. The last thing he text the night he flew home was baby I love you … night xx. However the very next morning I woke up and there was a text from him at 3am saying ‘long distance sucks’ and I replied saying ‘sure does’. He then came back with ‘struggling’ … and after to and froing with him saying he had no intention of moving back to Auckland and that he lied when he said he wanted to on the weekend so I sent him an email from work saying I don’t want to be in a long distance relationship if he is not 100% committed to us’ but I’m not ready to give up on us … but it needs to be two ways. He came back saying ‘yip I need time out from us’ … I can’t commit to you now. I was so hurt and replied ‘ok’ and tried to focus on work. I later tried to contact and he has cut me out and will not reply to my texts or answer my calls like he normally would. We have made contact twice via telephone where I’ve rang and rang and rang till he picked up. He wasn’t shitty with me when we spoke however said he was in a Fuck the World Self Destructive State and needed to be on his own to sort it out. I am absolutely devastated and feel like I’ve done something wrong and not done enough. With his reaction I’m finding it hard to comprehend that he’s gone from loving me so much to not (well it feels like he doesn’t now cos he’s pushing me away and shutting me out). He feels like a complete failure because of losing the final, not getting selected for the national squad which he was confident he would and he is now all alone where he is staying as the other guys have left now the season is over. He is staying on to finish a personal training course he is studying for – as he has never done anything to enable him to get a real job that he likes because of always travelling with sport. He has a lot of pressure with the study and doing well with that to set himself up. He also wants to get selected for the major world championship next year and feels if he pushes everyone away he can focus on himself and be the only one to blame if he fails again. I am trying to be understanding and have sent messages saying as much. When he did talk on the phone the other night although clearly in a dark headspace he was responsive and I know if I was in front of him physically things would be different and I could help him. He keeps saying you can’t help you’re not here and when I said i would move down he said no because we just fight and can’t focus. We don’t fight when we are livng together though it’s only been the last few months since all these things have happened to him and we are living apart so he feels like he has to be the big kid and think about himself cos knowone else will. I love him so much and want to give him his space to figure this out but I also want to be able to support him and help him get better and be happy together again. I would walk over coals for this guy. Human nature has me doubting what we had and how we felt / feel about each other – can he go from loving me whole heartedly one minute and then not the next. He does have a history of this sort of thing in his family as his mother had a problem when he was young. I am 8 years older than him and I would appreciated any advice you have to help me figure out what I can say or do that will bring him back to me if not physically straight away emotionally so we are atleast communicating while he works through this. I am prepared to wait – I think he’s worth it! Heart is broken as we have gone from talking about marriage and him telling me he wants me to have his babbies to this in only a very short matter of time. Help me to save my relationship.
Hi, Sheridan –
I’m sorry you have to live through this with someone you love so much. As I’ve written in several posts, your partner needs to recognize his own depression and make a commitment to get help. Since it sounds like he’s not ready for that, it could be that consulting a sports psychologist might be more acceptable. A great many major sports figures do this to improve their game, especially the ability to focus under pressure and to build resilience in crisis. This has nothing to do with mood disorders, but a psychologist of this type should be able to give him tools that would also help with depression – and would likely recognize what his overall state is. The wall of isolation he’s put up is hard to get through, and it might be impossible at this time for him to hear what you’re saying as a form of support. (I’ve written about the problems with communication in this post.) It might help you to get some counseling also to help sort through what your needs are in this situation. If he does come around and decide to get help, you might suggest couples therapy once he’s gotten out of his deepest funk. I would suggest finding a therapist skilled in Emotionally Focused Therapy, and you can find out more about that method from the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy – the website has a Find a Therapist section, and they have practitioners listed for New Zealand.
All my best to you — John
Dear John,
Thank you for your insights. I’ve been following your blog for 3 months now, just a few weeks after the depression of my boyfriend started to show severely. He and I have been together for 2 years, we have had an exceptionally strong loving bond, until a few months ago when he started to withdraw. I have to add that we don’t live together yet, but within vicinity, in the same neighborhood. In December he detached for a week, wouldn’t see me. Being well-informed about depression, I already suspected this could be one. Then at the end of 2011, we had an argument and I – usually patient, strong, stable – reacted destructively. In anger I said that maybe it’s time to end it. I took it back a few hours later, but the damage was already done.
He was immensely hurt. There are no words to describe it. Now being informed about depression, I know that I am not solely ‘responsible’ for so much pain, in spite of what I said to him.
What followed this incident is that he wanted to pause our relationship and withdraw. He said he couldn’t see me, temporarily. We went through several phases, now 3 months later we still haven’t ‘re-activated’ our relationship. We see each other from time to time, other than that we’re restricted to phone-conversations. We are however at a stage where he acknowledges that he has emotional issues, even the word depression is accepted on most of the days. He also talks to me about his emotions and mental state at times. So I can surely say he acknowledges that this is an ‘exceptional’ phase in his life, that he is not his usual self. He told me that he appreciates my patience, strength and love, that he even is surprised at this. He is also afraid to lose me for good, because he knows that one day when he will get out of this, he might curse himself out for having messed it up for good.
However, (and here is my big issue, the big BUT), he is not able/willing to take any action, to get better. He agreed to take SamE (3 times), which I then got for him, however now 10 days later he still hasn’t taken them. He’s “afraid of the side effects”.
He has a self-help book about depression, did he read it? I don’t know. Next week he has an appointment with the GP (finally!), when I asked what his motivation was to make an appointment, he only mentioned some physical symptoms (aches and pains he had in the past few months which wouldn’t go away – oh what coincidence!). “What about your melancholia?”, I asked. He fell silent. “Oh no I don’t want to talk about that with him.”. On leaving his house today, he said, okay I will take the SamE. “But will you speak to the GP?”. Answer: “I’m so sorry, I can’t make any promises right now. Sorry.”.
John, my question to you at this point is: A) Why is he stopping short of taking action? Despite of his (relative) awareness of his situation (thus, not complete denial) and despite his acknowledgement for me, for us. And B) How should I react, how can I convince him to take this step? I know that I have to set boundaries, but in my situation (not living with him and not seeing him regularly), that’s pretty difficult. The only means of pressure I could think of is saying “if you don’t… I will end this for good.” But this threat has proven so destructive in the past.
I would really appreciate your insights.
Thank you so much in advance.
Hi, Amina –
I doubt that putting pressure on him will do any good, especially if it comes across as a condition for keeping the relationship. There isn’t much you can do until he faces the fact that he needs help to deal with major depression. There are lots of reasons people don’t ask for help. You mention that he’s going to the GP because of pain – that’s the primary reason most depressed people go to primary care doctors. Treatment for pain is OK, but emotions are not to be shared with doctors – seems to be the reasoning. I’ve written a couple of posts on this site about how hard it is to communicate about the need for help with your partner in a way that will be interpreted as you intend. He might take your words not as advice about help for depression but as expressing your need to get him back – i.e. – your agenda instead of his health. It’s terribly frustrating, I know, but I think the best thing you can do is assure him of your support and hope for his recovering at his own pace, in his own way.
John
Thank you, John, for being brave enough to share this with all of us. I am in a similar situation, and my husband constantly threatens to leave. Although on the advice of the therapist I constantly tell him, ‘I will support you whichever you choose, but I would like you to stay’; there are times that my words do not mirror my thoughts. This is so very hard as I have been married to this person for 31 years. We had so many good years together, but health deterioration 7 years ago brought up childhood anxieties and depression. It was through therapy I learned this runs in his family. His mother left his father after repeated threats of harm to her. My husband has never tried to harm me, nor threatened to…as he saw this in his own family. But, his inclination to run away has been constant since his diagnosis.
Hi, Sandie –
I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a painful time with your husband. What your therapist advises you to tell him is good, but I don’t think you should say anything that you don’t really feel. There are limits you – anyone – has in the sort of behavior you can tolerate. It was important for my wife to be clear to me about the sort of behavior that was too hurtful to tolerate no matter how depressed I might be. It’s not uncommon for a depressed partner to evade a real decision and keep threatening to leave without ever doing so. There’s just so much of that sort of thing you can take, and it doesn’t hurt to be honest about your feelings, while still being supportive.
John
Ive been going crazy trying to find answers when i came across this site. Ive thought my partner is depressed, mostly due to having too many stresses (ex wife, kids, mother, job, not enough time/skills to juggle everything) and he’s recently admitted he thinks he is too. His plan is to leave and “sort out his head” and doesn’t know if he wants to even be in a relationship with me anymore. He says he’s not good enough for me and i deserve better.
I just dont know what to do. I moved countries to be with him only a few months ago and wasn’t expecting anything like this. I want to be there for him as if he is depressed he may not really mean what he’s saying. Its so hard to know what he’s thinking or feeling and i dont want to loose him. Hes a great guy and I just wish he could see it.
If anyone has been in this situation or has any advice please reply, im lost and dont want to loose the love of my life too.
To Alice,
I am going through something similar with my partner, also have moved … A lot invested in our home and new life. He has gone though a lot of loss and trauma since we met and is saying hurtful things, blaming, my child is lazy etc. he thought he should leave because he is making me unhappy but not realizing what hardship and burden that would cause.
Hi Alice and Jana,
I can relate so well to your posts. I am in a very similar situation. My boyfriend and I have had on/off relationship for over 7 years. For the first four years, there were breaks(looking back now I can see a large part was due to depression). Then we broke up for good and were separate for three years. During that time I rebuilt myself and had moved on. Last Sept, we met up again and after much thought, we started again-he promised everything would be differenct again. Since Christmas he has seemed down again-two weeks ago I got a text saying that he needed to be on his own. I asked ‘are you breaking up via text?’ or ‘it it that you want break and space from us for a bit?’ He said I need space. Sorry. I texted and said ”take the space and time that you need. You know where I am. Look after yourself’. That was ove two weeks ago and have heard nothing.
I have begun to think that I can’t help him if he won’t help himself. It is a v big world out there…maybe this is the end?? My heart breaks-again..
Hope you both find peace.
Hi Jana,
Im so sorry you have to go through this. Im afraid i dont have any real advice to give you. My partner has just broken it off for good in a very cold phonecall. Saying he needs space to sort himself out and wont be coming back. He feels this is the only way he can deal with everything and get himself strong and healthy again. I see it as him spending the next six months hiding and running away from the realities of life.
I still dont understand how he thinks running away will help, how he thinks leaving his only source of happiness and support will help.
The only thing I can say is what everyone else has been saying to me. Accept the reality of the situation, he has left (or in your case is thinking of it). You can’t change other peoples actions/feelings all you can control is how you react to them. This is a horrible thing to have to go through and being in a foreign place with no support (friends/family) makes it so much harder. If you ever want to talk leave me a msg.
*hugs*
Hello Alice I’m reading your situation it’s so similar to mine except the fact that I was just about to move in w my 1 year husband into his country he fell into depression which he denies but he has all symptoms!
Aswell just now he says he wants to live by himself… he’s like in automatic, responding like a robot … no emotions, no feelings … I don’t think he realices the magnitude of this as all my belongings are w him already and I was about to get my paperwork to move in there … now I’m on stand by as he was depressed about two years ago … one day out of nowhere he realized he was doing it all wrong and losing me so we were back together … now his depression is worst after 4months I’m just hoping as last time he wakes up and start feeling and living again , in the meantime it is so painful!!
Hope all goes well w you!
Mg
Hi There,
I just want to congratulate you on this wonderful & insightful site. I would just like to share my story with you. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated. I have so much running through my head, l am finding it difficult to write it down. I don’t really know where to begin.
My husband & l have been together since we were teenagers & have been married for 10 years. We have always had a wonderful & loving relationship & have two beautiful young children. We brought our business mid 2008. l gave birth to our second child in 2009 & by late 2009 my husband had become distant, withdrawn & become obsessive with remote controlled (RC) helicopters & aeroplanes. He would constantly sell, buy, build & fly.
In early 2010 his symptoms became worse. He become totally withdrawn from me & our children, he would come home from work, have dinner & go straight to the garage to build his planes. At the time l was unaware of the amount of money he was spending & losing on his RC hobby. It felt like he would do anything to avoid spending time with us. It was also at this time that he decided to help an female employee who had been sexually abused in the past and as a result was suffering from alcohol & drug dependancy. My husband is Mr Fix it, he likes to help people, often to his own detriment. He was spending alot of time talking to her & trying to help.
The business was not doing well financially however l was unaware of how bad it was. He hid it from me. Our relationship was becoming extremely strained. He became irratable, distant & withdrawn & we began to argue for the first time ever! He suggested that we see a therapist & l agreeded to go. She asked my husband if he was stressed & he said no. I addressed his relationship with our female employee & how uncomfortable it made me feel. He denied that anything physical was happening & that he was only trying to help her. The therapist said for the sake of our marriage he should just keep things professional with this employee which he agreed to. The therapist also said she didn’t know why we were really there.
My marriage was falling apart & she doesn’t know why we are seeing her & seeking help!!!!
He transformed into a stranger right before my eyes. His behaviour was so out of character. I told him that l wanted the “old” him back & he replied he’s not coming back. At times he told me that he didn’t love me & that there was nothing there. He contacted a realestate agent & was applying for rental properties. I told him that he left that was it. He said that he just wanted to be happy. How could the kids & l not make him happy. We were living comfortably & never wanted for anything. What more did he want? What the hell was going on with him? This is a man that doted on me since day one & made me feel like a princess. Yet at times he seemed ok. It was like living on an emotioanl rollercoaster. Our arguments were becoming more frequent & unbareable. It’s very difficult to reason with someone who is being unreasonable.
I found out that he was still contacting the female employee out of business hours & l was devastated. He couldn’t spend any time with me or the kids but he could find time for her. For the sake of our marriage he was suppost to stop contacting her. Why was she a priority over me & the kids? He continued to deny that anything was happening between them. Friends & family were now starting to get involved & told him to sack her as she was coming between us. It took a while but he reluctantly fired her. You could only imagine my relief, however l was suffering from low self esteem & self worth.
We ceased seeing the therapist & started moving forward with out lives. He was never back to his old self but he was getting there. He occasionally had his ‘meltdowns’. But nothing compared to what he was like. Last year l discovered that he did indeed have a 31/2 month affair with the female employee. I was shattered. I told him to leave & he moved back to his parents house. He sought therapy & it was discovered that he was suffering from deep depression. After several months of therapy he come out of his depression. It took alot of work, talking, tears & disagreements but l believe that he is now fully recovered.
He discovered that he slipped into depression & didn’t even realise it. It happened so gradually that he thought that was who he was. The depression became him. The stress of out business & financial strain. The birth of our second child & his RC hobby that had become out of control (he would buy an expensive plane & feel gratified but then guilt would set in & he would sell it at a lose. Then he would want to fill the void again so he would buy another expensive plane & the process would repeat). It all contributed to his depression.
He didn’t feel happy & like so many others he looked externally. He blamed me for how he was feeling. He wanted to escape his life so badly that he had an affair (with someone inappropriate on so many levels). When l discovered the affair l could see it for what it was. I refused to believe that he would do that to me & our children in his right mind. Cheating goes against everything he believes. I fought hard for him to see that what he was seeing was through depression goggles & severly distorted, not real. After months of therapy he now knows this, he sees it all clearly now. He now has a explanation for his actions.
He moved back home 4 months ago however l am now struggling to deal with this. I have read up on depression & l am aware of how much a person can change as a result of depression. Depression does effect people differently. Your mind is so powerful that it can lead some depressed people to kill themselves. However l am still struggling to deal with the affair. Where did the depression start & my husband begin? He said the affair would never have happened if he was not suffering for depression. I know that my husband is not the person that depression turned him into & he is doing everything he can to prove that to me. But how do you not take your partner having an affair personally? I am torn between my love for my husband, how much depression changed my him, his actions while he was depressed, who he is now & my own values & belief’s surrounding marriage & affairs. Can you forgive your husband for having an affair whilst depressed? While they were ill & not themselves?
My husband is back to his old self & is very regretful. He is the one that found this site & wanted me to read it. He found the article Why depressed me leave & could relate to it. Reading other people’s posts has helped me as l know that we are not the only one’s going through this crisis. The site has given more insight into depression & given me more compassion to the people suffering from this illness. It is an illness, not a choice. (So are the actions you take while depressed your choice or that of the depression? I think l know the answer but would like to hear it from someone else!) I know that it is hard to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense, that isn’t rational. He is doing everything in his power to help me through this. I am currently seeing a therapist & hoping with my husband’s love, support & reassurance that l am able to sort through this in my own mind (as l am the one starting to withdraw) & that we will be able to make it through this.
Thank you once again for your wonderful site.
All the best
Kez
Hi, Kez –
It’s heartening to hear that things have come this far in moving through depression – and that you are getting the help you need. On the question of whether he or his depression is responsible for an affair or other things he might have done that hurt you, I’d say that, short of delusional psychosis, no one ever stops being responsible for his actions. Just as I was, he could have been put into a state of mind where escape into an affair seemed Ok – then realized how wrong it was after coming out of depression. It’s possible to blame the depression, but that doesn’t explain everything. When I realized how stupid I had been, I was full of grief and had weeks and months of intense work to do with my wife to restore the basic trust that had been lost. I had put so much at risk that I couldn’t excuse my conduct because of depression, though that was a big part of it. But whatever the cause, the damage is completely personal and devastating – as you well know. Why it happened is far less important than the healing work you two do together. It’s a lot for you both to recover from, but it sounds like you’re doing what you need to do.
John
Kez,
I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am that you shared your story here. 2 months ago, I thought my husband and I had a perfect marriage and a perfect life. the only things I ever aspired to have were a successful marriage, a family and a house–the american dream. My husband is military so he works away from home a lot and anyone that has ever watched a movie in their lives as fantasized about welcoming someone home. I’ve done it more times than I can count. 4 deployments and 10 or 20 training trips that kept him anywhere from 3 days to 6 months. He left 2 months ago for another training that was only a month long. I know he was having fun while there and hanging out with the guys and I wanted him to enjoy it because he deserves to have some fun at night after work, especially when he gets the chance to just be with the guys like that. This time he didn’t call as often but he kept making excuses that were logical so it bothered me a bit but not much. Of all those homecomings, this one was the first bad one. After being gone a month, we went to bed and he just wanted to sleep! He said he was worn out. Next night, same thing. 3rd night he gave in to me and I had to stop and leave the room because I felt so degrated somehow. He didn’t do anything specifically horrible, he just wasn’t my husband. Since then we’ve bickered a bit which we’ve never done and he’s been so busy and wrapped up at work lately that he went on 2 more short trainings in the next 3 weeks. Over the last month hes not the same man at all and I kept trying to ask him whats wrong and suggest things we can do together, entice him at night, ANYTHING! I was all but screaming for him to just pay attention to me. He traded in his dirt bike that he just bought not even a year ago for a harley so within that time he started spending all of his time obsessing over it. He now comes home from work, goes to the gym, eats dinner and then out to the garage. On the nights I wait for him, he stays out there until I’m fed up and go to bed. I of course was taking this personally but it wasn’t just me. He isn’t spending any time with our 2 kids and he snaps at them for no good reasons. Finally a few days ago I needed to know what was happening. I asked him one morning if he was thinking about a divorce and in the back of my mind I thought he would tell me I was being silly and of course he wasn’t, but he didn’t. He told me that he didn’t really know what he was feeling right now. He left for work which was the first day of a very rigorous schedule that is keeping him there for 4 days because he only has about 4 hours between getting off and having to return so he is sleeping there. He sent me a message later that morning that said he had thought about it and he wanted to give me a better answer. He said he didn’t know what was happening but he was unhappy and had been for a while. He also said that he wanted to have this conversation after a weekend trip that we already had planned but since I brought it up and he was making everyone miserable that we should have it sooner. He came home that night instead of sleeping and we had a talk and he said that he cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me and he really does want to fix things but he doesn’t know how to make himself happy and he refuses to be this man that makes his wife cry every day and snaps at his children so that they are afraid to even talk to him. He agreed to couples counciling and said he would do his best to try and fix it but if not he would leave rather than cause us so much pain with his attitude. Then he told me that leaving would be the lesser of two evils because the way he felt he honestly was afraid that he was vulnerable to hurting me in an irreversable way (which of course meant cheating). The next morning I hit the internet with everything he told me he felt, the wanting to be alone and the irritablity and the feeling that he needed the freedom to make some stupid decisions. Every way I searched it I came up with depression. Almost immediately I found this site and while I have to say the story was only mildly helpful to me, I read the comments and immediately took to yours. It was like reading my own life in the first paragraph, together since teenagers, 10 years later, 2 kids, and the husband who always treated her like a princess. I decided I believe depression is probably the cause of this and wanted to bring it up with him. Of course I knew I wouldn’t see him for 3 more days but I couldn’t wait that long so I copied and emailed it to him and asked him to read it. He of course immediately took the defensive and said he couldn’t be depressed because he isn’t down all of the time, he’s perfectly happy (he’s lucky enough to really love his job). I left it alone when he said he would read it and thought there was no way he could refute this when it is the exact same situation! I finally relaxed from all the panic of the last 2 days and fell asleep. A few minutes later he sent me another message that said he didn’t want to discuss it over the phone so he needed me to think on it for the next couple of days but that he felt it was time and I deserved to know that something had happened while he was training that month. He had a one night stand in a bar. I asked him why now after I specifically asked the night before and he denied it. He said that he did read your story and he didn’t want to postpone the innevitable any longer because it was going to hurt me either way. He did see the similarities that I had hoped and while he still doesn’t think it is depression, he agreed to at least start with a questionnaire and consider the possiblity. He can’t seem to understand why I am not furious and throwing him out of the house over the infidelity but I had already read your story over and over again all day and I wanted to tell you that I agree with you on blaming depression. I feel like the man I’ve been married to for so long would never do these things and if he gets help, I honestly believe I can put it behind me. While I know we have not sought treatment yet, I’m convinced, and I want to tell you that after hearing how far you’ve come and that your husband can now tell you that it was a mistake and he is truly regretful and trying to make amends, it gives me the greatest hope that we may come through this and we may be very lucky to have not had to suffer for years or tear our family apart before he agrees to work on it. He says that he has been feeling unhappy for about a year now but he thought it would go away on its own.
I know I have a long road ahead of us, but I wanted to thank you for the hope that I may still salvage the life that we worked so hard to build.
Hi, Ashley –
I would like to support your hope that it is possible for two people to survive depression together, as my wife and I have been able to do. The first huge step, as you say, is for your husband to recognize the problem and commit to getting help. It’s exciting to hear that he is willing to consider the possibility – it sounds like he’s ready. It can be hard to move your thinking past the traditional culture of manhood, especially in the military, that discourages admitting or talking about emotional difficulties. He has a lot going for him in your support and your focus on depression as the problem. You’ve helped him make the first breakthrough, and he’s had a year to see that doing nothing isn’t helping. I would just add that I hope you get support for your own needs and health as well. Even though it may be depression that makes him difficult to be with, the effect on you hits pretty hard.
John
Hi Ashley,
I hope all is going well for you. I would love to contact you privately. I have emailed John and given him permission to give you my private email address. If you would like to get in touch with me, please email John or leave a reply to this comment and request your desire to do so. I hope to hear from you soon.
Regards
Kez
What a great site. My soon to be ex husband started to suffer with depression about five years ago. He refused to spend time with our family for no reason. If I questioned him, he would tell me he had stress at work. Instead he sat in a chair in the bedroom from Friday nights after work until Monday mornings refusing to engage with the children or me. However, by Monday mornings he sprang out of bed and went to work. Last year, while the children and I were out of the house he moved out, taking all of his belongings and all of the household money. Prior to leaving, he had taken my name off of all of all of the accounts. Additionally, he had borrowed against the value of our home and now it is underwater. He also bled through a 1.2 million retirement account. What I learned is that he has been cheating on me for the last ten years of our 25 five year marriage. He had an entire other life, with friends I do/did not know, etc. It was as though he had a double life. He had two cell phones, one I knew and one I did not know. His brother and best friend are lawyers so they taught him all of the tricks of the trade. All the time I thought we were building our lives together and planning for our future, he was dismantling my life. He has destroyed our two teenage children emotionally with his deception and lies. He has not admitted to leaving us and has told his friends, family and therapist that we (the kids and I) threw him out which is a total lie!!!! He plays a victim to anyone who will listen to him and cries that has “depression.” I learned that he was seeing a therapist and taking medication for three years, during the last three years of our marriage and never told me. After he left us I learned he takes Lexapro. He was a responsible person and I never thought he would do such a thing. The bottom line he does not care about me or the children. We live in poverty as he has traveled around the world, drives a Mercedes and dates lots of women. He rents a very expensive apartment with all new furnishings. He never sees the kids, although he claims to love them. He refused to go into therapy with the children and is answer to them that they will understand one day – whatever the heck that means. In the meanwhile, I have had two attorneys fire me for not having enough money. He has spent close to $60K in attorney fees and makes sure I don’t step one inch out of line. He has manipulated the courts, his attorney and so many other people. The kids and I have really suffered and are isolated financially and from people who used to be a support. Is this depression or psychosis?
Hi, Sharon –
This is so shocking – I can’t imagine living through such a nightmare. I wouldn’t even try to speculate about a disorder that could lead to behavior so lacking in conscience or basic humanity. Does it really matter? People are responsible for abusing those who have trusted them. I can only hope you find some personal as well as financial support – it must feel like having to start life all over again.
All my best to you — John
It really helps to hear I am not the only one “blind-sided ” in this situation. My husband of 30 years left our family last Feb for “another life” during the middle of our only daughter’s engagement. He holds a stressful job and has recently gotten a promotion. He traveled at least 2 to 3 nights a week, it seems he was seeing women in every city, some were employees. He finally met one that he felt he was “in love with”. We have always had a great marriage, plenty of things in common, and a very active sex life. He told me he had a really big ego and I wasn’t stroking it enough. We are all floored as he was a very dedicated man and deacon of the church. It is like he just SNAPPED last holiday season lashing out at everyone and blaming it on job stress when in fact he was trying to decide to leave or stay. He informs everyone I was too controlling and life is short and he deserves to be happy. Our divorce will be final next week, he has moved to another state and is living with her and her twin 5 year olds(our kids are 22,25 &26) He is starting over and will not listen to anyone even his own mother and siblings.
His family does suffer from depression but he will NOT go get any help.
Dee Dee
This site has been extremely helpful to me during my husband’s most recent bout with depression. He left about 2 months ago, and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and researching to better understand what happened and why. He’s been a little more responsive lately and says that he’s feeling happier now that he’s out of our house and on his own (makes me relieved to know he’s feeling better, but hurt that he thinks I was the cause of his depression). My question is: Do you think that it would be helpful to share this blog (or a specific article on it) with a spouse who was willing to read it, or do you think it could make things worse? Trying to help him see through the fog.
Thanks for all you’re doing!
Hi, Nicole –
There’s no single answer to your question. I have no real sense of what the dynamic between the two of you might be or whether this could help or not. But blaming anyone else for your own inner pain is a way of sidestepping real treatment – it’s more a symptom than a reasonable explanation. If that’s his state of mind, I doubt he’d interpret anything you urged him to do or read in the most positive light. While it’s only natural that you want to help him, he really has to make up his own mind and get the help he needs. If he’s trying hard to get better, then he might well appreciate your suggestions. But if he’s not looking into depression on his own, he could also see it as part of your agenda, not his. Unfair but common response.
Sorry I can give you a straight up or down answer, but it’s just too complicated for that.
My best — John