About a year ago, I wrote a series of posts about my experience with the fantasies of a better life that often prompt depressed men to leave their families. You can find the first of those stories here, here and here. Those brief pieces tell only a small part of a long and troubling story. To stay in recovery I have to know more, and so I’m starting a new series of posts specifically about why men want to leave, how we change, where we want to go.
Of course, this story is not mine alone. I’ve been there with many other men, and we’ve all been cold company. Whether depressed men leave by walking out or by emotional withdrawal or aggressive rage and abuse, they go through a baffling transformation and provoke the most devastating crisis for those who love them most. My own experience has been bad enough, but I read the same story and worse online each day. The pain, confusion and desperation are always fresh, even though repeated hundreds of times in forum after forum.
– He won’t look at me anymore. – Whatever I do is wrong. – I can’t understand the anger when he comes home after work – and I haven’t done a single thing. – If I ask him what’s wrong, he goes into a rage. – He gets so abusive and blames me for everything he doesn’t like. – His rages scare me to death. – I don’t know who this man is anymore. – I can’t do anything right. – This is not the life I thought I was getting into. – I feel so small around him. – What have I done to make him so angry? – It’s all driving me crazy. – I can’t take much more of this. – What can I say? – What can I do? – Please help!
It’s one thing for me to blame depression for causing behavior that inflicts such pain. It’s another to get clear about exactly what I did in order to recognize it early and stop myself from repeating the same thing over and over again. To stay in recovery, I can’t focus only on what’s going on in my head but need to be able to face squarely the effects on those closest to me. Seeing what the reality has been for my wife and children in those dark periods makes it so much more urgent that I get to the bottom of what I have done.
Only in that way can I break the forces of mind and feeling underlying my hurtful words and actions. What was I thinking and feeling when I was isolating myself from my family emotionally, if not actually leaving? Why didn’t I see sooner what I was doing? When I did see part of it, why couldn’t I stop? What was changing deep down? I have to be able to answer these questions and a lot more so that I’ll be quick to recognize the problem if it begins again. If I do see it, I’ll have to know what to start doing to turn that mindset and behavior around. Recovery depends on alertness and action every day.
Here’s a quick overview of what I want to explore in this series. This is the way I’m seeing it through my analytical brain. I’m sure as I tell the stories each evokes, I’ll change and refine the picture I’m looking at now. It’s almost a model of how this state develops, and that means to me it’s far too neat. I’m separating each element from the real experience, but it is never so simple as this line-up might make it seem.
- Control and Denial. Whatever the internal crisis may have been, I had to keep it under a tight lid, hide it from everyone, including myself. Denial is a common word. What isn’t always clear is how much energy it takes both to keep inner turmoil under control and to keep it from getting too close to awareness. That took so much out of me, I was always tense and run down with the effort.
- Refusal. If there was nothing wrong with me, there was no need to talk about it. Every time my wife would try to engage me about what I was feeling, I refused to talk about it. I was genuinely angry at the suggestion that I had a problem. This behavior is frequently described, but what many miss is the sense of power men can get from holding back words. There is a perverse satisfaction in keeping others guessing, and the silence also prevents me from knowing more than I want to know. Strong and silent are paired for good reason.
- Isolation. Isolating from others doesn’t mean physical separation so much as creating distance while you’re with family, friends, everyone who’s close. I could do this by being angry or abusive, or by an emotional and mental disappearance in plain sight. On any given day, I could shift from one unmindful strategy to the other.
- Blame. Naturally, if there’s nothing wrong with me, the explanation for that hurt and turmoil buried within has its cause in someone or something else – family, job, city – probably the combination of it all. The feeling builds that the life I’m living is a trap that’s ruining my chances for happiness.
- The Cure. Since the problem comes from outside, I can also find the cure for it there. Everything will be better there, everything is hopeless here. So the yearning to leave and the fantasies that go with it get stronger all the time. Whether they’re acted on or not, the damage to others is already done.
This is what occurs to me now. How does it sound to you? What’s your experience like?
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My boyfriend of two years manufactured a couple of reasons to break up after I confronted him about meeting his ex. There wasn’t anything sexual and he wasn’t even interested in her romantically but I objected to him lying to me about meeting with her (a7 hour round trip drive!)
When he realized I knew this he got defensive and started packing up. He was out in the hall sobbing and I was just trying to figure out what on earth was going on.
I began to worry that he would harm himself and decided to contact his family. I waited a few days and when I heard from him, he had called his family and made them aware of the break up and his plans.
I know he loves me and I love him but I’m in love with depression, not a man. Depression controls him emotionally. I was aware of his condition and was always a rock for him but I realize that he is probably incapable of actually loving someone. All of his relationships have ended with him finding some fault with the other person (which he tried to do with me)
He finally admitted he felt that he couldn’t love me and he was emotionally dependent on me. All he could offer me is friendship, I accepted that because I’m so concerned about what he may do. I’ll be moving on romantically but I’m going to steer clear of any men with depression issues, I’ll stay in touch with his family although now that I know lying is part of what’s involved, I hope they will know what’s really going on
The experience of others here is very helpful
Yeah me too. Ex seems completely incapable of love as soon as it gets to the more grown up responsibilities of a relationship after the honeymoon. In my case he just manufactured every excuse as to why we could not work. At first I was the perfect partner for him and he would bring up the reasons why him and his ex could not work and why it was so wonderful with us. Completely love bombed me then as soon as he started to spiral back into a depression he couldn’t cope with any of my normal demands like the house smelling because it was dirty or his unhealthy hoarding habits where he was holding onto trauma. He never even attempted to reach out for a counsellor. Just got angry when I tried to make him see how he was holding himself back and holding me back. He was in denial that he needed to take action and started to openly tell me he missed his ex because she understood him. He couldn’t see how hurtful this was after my efforts to try to save him from himself. It’s like they have no empathy. He’s insistent that they are just friends but after we broke up he went on holiday with her and her friends months later (but it’s different and not sexual apparently….) He wanted me as just a friend but I won’t be downgraded. Even as a friend he couldn’t put any effort in to repair and prioritised his other ex…after all that he put me through. He’s abandoned me and treated me badly and a year on nothing changed. He’s still a victim. I think he might just be a user. Maybe some of them can’t change. I think some men with depression are stronger but maybe some of them just aren’t strong at all or lack any will to want to fight their symptoms….surely not all men with depression are as bad.
He’s only clinging on coz she is enabling his bad behaviour by telling him it’s okay and romanticising this “unbreakable bond” even though he prevented her from having children coz she’s now too old to do it with someone else. I won’t be his fool he’s lost me and he needs to face that. I won’t be downgraded to “friends”. And it isn’t okay what he’s done to specifically if he’s done nothing to change after all the hell he caused.
Reading all these although breaks my heart it also makes me feel at as alone in a way. I have been with my husband for 26 years and a year ago I noticed changes in him. I thought it was midlife crisis sort of thing and then he started pushing me away, being emotionally and verbally abusive. I was rejected in every way. Feeling like I was unloved, unwanted, ignored, and I was looked through like a window. He slowly stopped talking to me aside from calling me names. I did everything for him. I went to all his Dr. Appointments because he said he couldn’t remember what the Dr said. I made sure all the Dr’s were doing everything in their power to help him. I got him referred to therapy and got him on meds, then got him on new meds. He said I was being motherly and smothering him, but he pushed me away as his wife so I went onto mother mode to get him back to normal so he would want me as his wife again. He has since left me. He packed a suitcase and left his keys on the counter. That was a month ago. Our 3 children and myself are devistated and so confused. How can a man do that? Marriage is the ultimate contract and commitment to love and cherish through sickness and in health for better or for worse till death. I didn’t make those promises lightly. I meant them, and I can’t live without him. He is my everything, my world, my glue. I need to be strong for our children. They need to know that at least one parent has them to give them a sense of security, to give them love and make sure they know they belong, and I’m not allowed to break, so I fall apart in secret and in silence. All I want is my husband back. If only someone can give me hope that he will return to me…
My boyfriend left in the middle of the night, took his things and just disappeared. He was fine, acting like himself that afternoon, then boom! He was gone! He left a note that didn’t make sense but I’m broken! We’ve been together 15 years and this came out of nowhere.
He told me that night he was depressed. I tried to help, or at least comfort him. In his note, he said that I was the kind of lady who shouldn’t know his needs and desires, and that he’s been dishonest with me about that. He also said he left like he did because he couldn’t bear seeing me broken.
I have no clue where he is. He isn’t answering my calls. He kicked me off his Facebook. I’m at home screaming in agony.
I don’t know what to think. This was literally a week ago. I don’t know what to do. I keep visualizing him with another woman because I always told him that if he met someone else, please leave me before you tell me. Yeah, he left alright and didn’t tell me a THING. He said in time after he heals (no clue what that meant) he’ll tell me.
Help me somebody! Do men leave because they are so depressed, or is that all gaslighting? He ALWAYS showed me love, stood up and protected me. I don’t get it.
Dear Janine,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have gone through the exact same thing with my husband of 15 years (more than 20 years of friendship). And after months of trying to support him have just found out that there is another person he has been in contact with that understands what he’s going through and he is interested in exploring that relationship. It’s devastating. All I can say is please – love yourself first. Look after yourself. Rely on getting support from friends and family to get you through the hard times. I have been seeking assistance from a therapist and it’s the best decision I have made. Please reach out if you need to
My boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from depression and he recently decided that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore because he felt like he needed to put himself first and really take time and space to work on himself. I am heartbroken and devastated because I love him beyond measure and it’s terrifying to not know how he’s doing or be there to support him. I am trying really hard not to reach out because he asked for space but I am struggling really badly. We were so happy and in love and I never ever thought anything could come between us. I don’t know first hand hwo depression feels but I was doing EVERYTHING I could (I worked on it with my own therapist, I joined a support group for people who’s loved ones have depression, I did research, and most of all listened to what he needed) and as much as I don’t want to be mad at him for this because I know he’s extremely emphatetic and has a hard time putting himself first, but I am so hurt that he felt like he had to push me away. I don’t know what to do….it’s only been 2 weeks but it feels like an eternity. We never used to go even a day without talking and now I’m just lost and confused and above all scared. I have severe anxiety and it’s causing me to lose sleep and I can’t eat…..I know I need to be strong, take care of myself, and not dwell on it but it’s excurciating and I don’t know how much loner I can go without reaching out to him. Does anyone have any advice- should I wait until he’s ready to reach out? He promised we’d see each other again but he couldn’t say when…..or should I reach out to see how he’s doing? I know it’s kind of an impossible question, but how long do I wait and suffer like this? I just don’t know how much more I can take….
I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar, me and my ex were best friends for over a year before we started dating, things were so good at first and i was the happiest i had ever been. He was so loving, always sending me flowers, always wanting to spend time with me and wanting to do things together. I know he struggled with social anxiety, and i helped him through it, because i had struggled with terrible anxiety in the past, he told me that he’d never told anyone about the way he was feeling before and was so grateful to have me. Fast forward a few months, and i started to notice a change in him, he had a lot of stresses going on in his personal like, university, family illness ect.. this all started to build up and he became very depressed very suddenly. He was being different and snappy around me but i just wanted to help. He then went back to his university to finish some exams, one night he randomly called me hysterically crying to say that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore, i calmed him down and talked him through things and we agreed that i would give him some space, but we were still together. A couple days later he reached out and i went to his uni to bring him back home, i spent a few days with him and it was lovely, when he was back home I noticed he started being distant with me again, and not even a week later he broke up with me, after this we didn’t speak for about 4 weeks, he then reached out to me, we talked as friends and agreed to meet the following day. I picked him up and it was like the old him, he wouldn’t stop touching me, kissing me, telling me how much he missed me and how good it was to see me,it was so clear that there is still something there between us, but we agreed that jumping back into the the relationship wasn’t a good idea, and we wanted to see where things went slowly. I was so happy because it finally felt like i had the old him back. However, not even 2 days later, he text me to say that meeting up was a mistake, and that we should just be friends and nothing more, he also said we could never get back together. I have tried so hard to be there for him as much as i can, but I’m broken. Why was he constantly changing his feelings? Is this the depression talking l, or does he really mean the things he’s saying?
Omg! I am going thru this too! I am not positive it is depression because it all seems like a big secret but looking back and reading up I see that it very well looks like it. I think I am dealing with it all wrong so that is why I started researching and just found your story..
My husband of 20 years took me and my parents to visit my daughter in Florida for graduating college. Two weeks later he butt dialed me from his work in California. He was having lunch with a woman and discussing our selling our house and searching for a new home in Florida (his decision to move and make me happy since he travelled the duration of our marriage).
The next day he says he had been seeing her for lunch/dinner for six weeks. Which he came home to celebrate our wedding anniversary. He now says he’s been depressed for years, long before meeting me and thinks we should part ways. What?! You’ve been lying to me, did nothing about your depression that I’ve asked you to address and now you want to part ways? When we were supposed to be moving? He is 66.5 years old, had 4 stents put in his heart 5 months ago and suffers Peyronie’s disease. Not able to be intimate for the last 10 years. So I know he’s not having a sexual affair with this woman.
He came home only 3 times from California in the last 4 months. One being Christmas, bought me an expensive handbag which I didn’t want as a reminder of our sudden and impending divorce. I feel abandoned even though he is still paying our mortgage and all bills. Sending me 3-400 a week.
He says I’ve been a good wife/mother and this is not a reflection on me, that I don’t deserve this and never did. Don’t hold out any hope for him. He says he feels worthless, empty, joyless. I can see the vacantcy behind his eyes. After 20 years of being together I want to help him, he’s been getting therapy to no avail. I’m in therapy to get through the shock and abandonement. He used to be tender, generous to others, loving, romatic, a good father…..now he’s cut off all communication and when I flew out to California without telling him so I could check on him and ask why he wants a divorce, I couldn’t reach his cell. Contacted his daughter and told her that she needed to call her Dad and tell him I was there. He went into a rage on the phone and told me to go home. So I got a hotel and flew home the next day. Anger, hurt, disbelief…….what happened to my husband, who is this stranger? He turned into a cold, cruel, heartless man in the last four months and I can’t even begin to understand.
His only responses have been, “I’m not the same man you married and I want to live the rest of my life alone with no responsibilies, accountability or stress.” Well, me too but I don’t get that luxury.
Now I have filed for temporary spousal support to ensure I have financial security while this unwanted divorce moves forward. He refuses my help but says simply, “Please let me go.”
I will never have closure due to his cowardice. Why are we getting divorced? Because he’s depressed? This makes no sense and now I’m broken, joyless, confused and depressed.
I am going through the same thing but after 30 years of marriage. We lost a child die to cancer. Husband hid his grief for years, but then starting having multiple flirtatious affairs at work via text. I found a phone and discovered. Moved him out for 10 months but dates. He went to talk therapy but then quit. Found a new email in june 2020. Thought it was a one time thing. In october he went on a buisness trip never to come home. Said the same things needs to be by himself. He cant live with the guilt of what he has done. He was seeing psych dr and he said I was his trigger. Had me rush a 60 day divorce and then took his associate on vacation and is seeing her but still telling me its just friends on his end. He has ED and diabetic, low testosterone. He recently went to a urologist and got pills so I assume he is trying to have an intimate relationship. He was the sweetest husband and never in a million year would I think he would do any of this much more lie to me over and over. More to protect himself. He seems to not be able to face anything in his life. Having inappropriate relations with women way underneath hime at work. I fear his job will be lost soon. He also his paying me voluntarily weekly a large amount of money for the next 13 years to pay off out house. Non of it makes sense. I feel he will have to hit rock bottom to realize what he is doing. If you need to chat seems we in the same situation
Im going through the same thing. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years we have 2 children together..and he wants to leave because he doesn’t want the commitment..like what?? You already have it, how can you just walk away from a good marriage. It started when we all got covid and he stopped talking his meds..before then we was in a great place in our marriage. Now im left facing starting my life over at 30 with 2 kids..im broken and feel worthless. Im sorry your dealing with this situation also..it seems all to common
Same, 9 years married, husband came home from a 9 month deployment saying he no longer wants to be married. Blaming me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. How I didn’t do anything that a maid couldn’t do. LIKE WHAT!!! “I don’t think I ever loved you”. He said. I literally had nothing no job no money because for the last 2 years I was asked not to work so we can spend more time together , had to get me a job so I can afford my own place . Due to me finding a job first and saving money we were forced to live together for 7 months he had uncontrollable mood swings, one day he says He love me, the next day he’d ignore me and again blame me for everything. He just recently left for his job again, he called me to tell me that he is depressed and he’s sorry about everything and that I deserve better. Now I’m here in therapy because of all this emotional torture, build up anger, resentment, feeling abandoned
I am currently going through this with my husband. Im so broken and cant seem to understand what happened . Im very confused
27 years together and 19 years marriage and now its all gone.
Kasey, I see it’s been 6 months since your post. I am currently going thru this! It’s heart breaking. We are on 29 yrs together & 4 kids. How are you & your situation now?
Hi reading these stories has been so hard, my story is I met the man of my dreams yes we where only together 8 months, but after an abusive relationship of 8 yrs he was everything I ever wanted he was kind caring loving and amazing with me and my daughter, so yes I had a few issues and we would argue but then we would be ok, during this relationship he has been very stressed due to a court case against a member of his family for sexual assault against his ex partner 3 children, he dealt with it initially ok and I always remind him it’s not his case, the last two weeks all the statements have come out and the plea trial, he has been very emotional crying and withdrawn he’s hardly spoke and not wanted to be with me or anyone drinking all the time, and angry. So on Monday he was a little bit more himself then he went to his uncles and found out the trial wouldn’t be until August next year he rang me sobbing saying he wouldn’t cope until then it was all two much, I told him to go have a workout as that’s what he does when he’s stressed, the next morning I heard nothing from him which raised alarm bells, we exchanged a few msgs then he dropped the bomb shell, I’m sorry I love you but I can’t be with u anymore, it’s not fair you don’t know wether I’m coming or going what mood I’m in waiting for me, so I think we should spilt up, I was devastated he said he needed to be by himself to get himself better to deal with everything in his head, he said love isn’t enough anymore, I’m so hurt I love this man more than anything, and loosing him because of this is so difficult, he said the other day he wish he had met me after all of this when he had no stresses, I might sound very sad but I would wait for him but he said it could be a year, and if I get chance move on but I don’t want to he was everything to me, I won’t stop loving him he’ll always be that one, I haven’t spoken to him I’m to upset and that wouldn’t be fair on him, but it’s so hard I’ve now found how he was always stressed not sleeping has become my life I’m really struggling I miss him and don’t know what to do anymore do I reach out or wait for him but I’m not ready to let him go any advise would be great.
Hey Harley, just come across this and it’s very similar to my situation where my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me after stressful events have caused him to have a downward spiral, he said he doesn’t want to bring me down with him he’s so worried he’s going to affect my career etc. However I love him more than anything and want to support him through the good and bad of life because we were so happy together.
I was wondering if you’ve had any updates from your ex since this? Has he reached out? Or have you? I want to keep letting me ex know that I’m still here for him but don’t want to be pushy and do it too soon.
Hello Tara,
I’m going through a similar situation. My boyfriend’s mental health has been degrading since February, but things seemed better in September/October so I had hope that we had been through the worst of it. Halloween night he called and told me he was too depressed to meet up, couldn’t even make himself get dressed to see me. He lives an hour and a half away, so going out to see him wasn’t really possible. I told him that I understood, and hoped he’d feel a little better the next day so we could see each other. He didn’t. It ended up spiraling into a week where he even stopped responding to my messages. I tried calling him, but he ended up saying I should just leave him alone forever. I reached out after it had been just over a week, and he was so ashamed of how he had treated me. Having struggled with a deep depression myself, hitting my low point 3 years ago before finally getting treatment, I understood that he wasn’t his depression, and tried to write the hurtful conversation off as a really bad day … but I couldn’t. Mid November I sat down with him and told him I loved him but that I couldn’t be treated that way and that he needed to seek help. It was an ultimatum, and I hate it. That is my regret. He pulled away again after that for a week and a half, then called me with deep sorrow in his voice.
“I can’t be in a relationship right now. I have to work on myself, this isn’t fair to you”
I’m heartbroken. Finally seeking the counsel of my therapist, I realized that ultimatum came from a dark place of my own. My depression reacting to his. I’ve learned tools to better deal with my own stuff now, and how to better support him, but he just gets frustrated when I try to contact him and reiterates he can’t be in a relationship right now.
It’s been a week since he and I last spoke, and I’m going to give things another week to cool before reaching out again. I want to support him, even if a relationship never happens again between us. I care too much about him as a person …. and he really is such a wonderful man. This will be a hard path to take, but I hope we are able to resolve this. I speak like I know what I’m doing, but I’m a bundle of nerves and doubts …. if anyone has had any luck in a situation like mine I’d love to hear it.
Hi Harley and Tara,
I am going through this exact same situation now. Just wondering how you both got on with your partners and how you’re doing with your own headspace?
I’m in a really similar situation myself too. He ended it with me a week ago now, and I’m going to try my hardest to not get in touch with him for as long as possible. It’s so hard wanting and needing to respect his wishes that he thinks we shouldn’t be together. He said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. Yet reeled off a list of all the reasons I’m such a good person and why he loves me. I’ve been looking out for him and have been a massive part of his support system for the last few years so I just want to be in contact with him and support him in any capacity. It’s so hard. In a way, I’m glad it’s lockdown here as I’m not scared of him moving on.. but that’s just temporary at this point.
Hi to all of you.
I’d like to start by saying I really feel for everyone here as I too am going through something similar and I know how much this hurts.
My situation came to an abrupt end last month after several painful months of me trying to deal with his depression and excess drinking. We live in different cities and have been on lockdown due to Covid but did a good job at communicating daily, calling, texting, watching movies together etc. I knew he was a drinker but i hadn’t realised the extent or how out of control it was getting.
He would go for a few weeks at a time getting extremely drunk on his own at home every night of the week. Several nights a week he would ring so drunk and so down at bedtime, telling me how unhappy he was and how much he hated work and his life. Often I would feel so helpless and unwanted I would cry myself to sleep because I loved him so much but nothing I said seemed to help or matter to him.
Then last month I snapped and told him he sometimes made me feel rubbish and I didn’t know where I stood after months of his depression. He called instantly, telling me he couldn’t do it anymore and he couldn’t go on hurting me and making me feel bad. It was an awful call, both in tears. I can barely even remember it as I was so distraught. I asked him why he ever pursued me if he knew he didn’t have the capacity for a relationship and that sent him under and he cried that he didn’t choose for this to happen. He followed up with some texts which still don’t really make sense about how everything has changed for him mentally and how sorry he was but he cannot continue. I didn’t reply for a week as was so hurt, but he messaged to apologise profusely a few times in between.
I could tell he had been extremely drunk every night by what he was posting on social media. When I did reply asking how he was he said he hadn’t eaten and was drinking even more than usual and had barely got out of bed since that night. Then two weeks ago he called me hysterically crying at midnight. I wasn’t going to answer but I did. He had drunk a huge amount and was sobbing that I hated him, that all his friends hated him, and that I thought he had meant to hurt me. He said he wished he could disappear. I managed to get him to go to bed and he called the next day to apologise for being so selfish and calling with his mess. Some local friends had finally stepped in to help and he went home to his family for a bit the next day which I was relieved about as he wouldn’t be able to drink
He starts therapy this week which is a huge step and he told me he is trying not to drink in January but I don’t know how he will get on. I can’t put in to words how much I love him and how hard this has been. He is a caring and beautiful human, although it may not sound like it. Its been so hard to go from him telling me he loves me every day to suddenly no contact and feeling like I don’t matter enough to him. I have started therapy to try and focus on my own healing and self love and I’m trying to keep active but I miss him so much and dread hearing he has moved on.
Fascinating! What I especially loved reading about was how your fiancé *was* able to help by forcing you out for a walk and talking about random things. I can’t say that I’ve been through depression like you have, but through my temporary episodes, I remember that distraction made all the difference too. I’d love to read more about other things that *did* work in making you feel better, even if only for moments at a time!
I know a lot of these comments have been from a very long time ago but I wanted to share my story and see if anyone can give me any advice or input. Me and my ex were together for about two years, don’t get me wrong we had our fair share of arguments but once that was over with we were happy and he was the love of my life! He was my everything, he made me so happy and there was this huge connection, every time he looked at me or the way he kissed me, the way we carried on and he picked me up in his arms just made it seem like a fairy tale.
Before my ex, I was in a emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years, I was cheated on and hurt and I tried to escape for a long time but just couldn’t, so of course meeting him was just out of this world to me, two years with a man and it felt like the very first day.. it still amazed me that I was there with him because I never thought I would get out of my last relationship. My ex suffered from depression and had a very bad episode years ago but that’s all I knew, I knew he was on medication for it. I was staying with him since that December but didn’t officially move in till February and everything was good, he started a new job at the end of March and was working a lot, before he started this new job I noticed he was more angry and irritable and I didn’t understand, I couldn’t voice how I felt without him getting very angry with me and honestly I didn’t think that maybe he was going through a episode, I suffer with depression and maybe I was too blind to see.
In March he ended up increasing his dose for medication because me and his mother told him he needed too, we both could see the change in him and she said he needed to do it for the sake of the 3 people that matter the most me, her and his sister. I didn’t think of anything after that, I assumed great new medication and everything is going to be good! In May he started to stress how his job was really getting a lot, the moving in of my dog(slightly aggressive) was hard because we lived with roommates and he started having panic attack’s and he didn’t know why. He asked for a couple days to himself just to sort out his thoughts and I freaked out, I was so scared and I think I felt more scared of losing him so I fought my hardest to stay, I didn’t want to leave my home and felt like I shouldn’t have too, he was tired of coming home and taking his anger out on me and felt so much guilt. When I fought to stay and not leave it just increased the tension and things got really bad till I finally left for a night, when I left he apologized and told me he loved me and that he just needed time to himself, the very next morning he showed up.
A little later in May, I noticed he was talking to this girl and I asked him about it and he pretended he didn’t really know her and that he didn’t talk to her, I was so angry that he lied and told him that I knew he was, this ended up in a major argument and to the point we basically did break up, he was angry because he ended up coming home from work because I stressed him out, and I was angry that after all I do for him he lied to my face, he said he lied because he was scared that it would start a argument and he didn’t want that because he know’s I can be jealous(it is true due to my depression and anxiety and past relationships) she ended up deleting him because of the whole situation, she thought that I knew they were talking and she also has a boyfriend of her own, I couldn’t really let it go I felt so skeptical that this was going on, the needing space and lying to my face about talking to another girl whether it was friendly or not it was the point that he lied. He cried and cried and apologized and said it was wrong and he should’ve told me the truth, once I finally knew he was done talking to her then I finally settled down and everything started to calm down again but NOT BEFORE, I was gone for a couple days and we were on the verge of a break up. This was too much for me, I loved him but I couldn’t handle the thought of what if he liked her? Am I not good enough? I was super angry and hurt because no one truly know’s what goes on behind closed doors, but deep down I know he wouldn’t hurt me like that, but he couldn’t seem to get past at first the fact that he thought I’d just keep bringing it up and it would be a reoccurring problem for me and he didn’t want that(he should’ve sat down and said okay I made a mistake, I understand it’s going to take time to get over it but he seemed to be more angry when I couldn’t let things go?)
Fast forward to a couple weeks later, everything is good again and he has become the most affectionate and loving boyfriend as he usually was. Every morning when he would get up for work, he would stay in bed and hold me for a extra 5 minutes and just hold me so close, the I love you’s and everything. He even told me the night before I left that if I was ever to move out he would be coming with me and he wanted me there, the day before we broke up he mentioned how he would ask for a night to himself but he knew how that would go because last time it didn’t go well, of course this was the 3rd time and I was really getting upset, the first time was a roller coaster, so was the second time and this was taking a toll on me and I didn’t understand. Was it another girl? Was it depression like he claimed? The anger got the best of me and I said I was going to stay at my Dad’s for the weekend, he told me I didn’t have to leave and I said I was leaving and he asked why do I always try to leave when he’s like this, I said pretty hurtful things like ‘since the two years we’ve been together, it felt like we were just screwing around’ and he was very hurt about it and felt like why should we be together then? I told him I didn’t mean it like that and shortly after he came home and I was getting ready to leave and he look so out of it and down, and I felt terrible. The next day he messaged me and told me he needed to be on his own to deal with this, that he wasn’t okay and to basically come get my things when I could or he could drop it off to wherever I was staying, I fought and begged to be with him, told him I loved him and I wanted to be with him and I didn’t get anywhere, I understand I wasn’t there for him, I blocked everything out because I was struggling too and I was going down under, and I wish I could change my actions but I can’t, but he also need’s to accept his actions into all of this, he has blamed me and our fighting, the stress of work, the stress of my dog and he just couldn’t handle it right now and needed to be on his own. He picked me up and we talked and he cried so so much, he told me he was pushing away the person he loved and he couldn’t stop it, I begged to come home and he wouldn’t let me. I was hysterical and felt like I was losing my mind, I told myself I would never let myself go as what I call ‘crazy’ again and here I was, losing my mind and I couldn’t cope. I wanted to die, I wanted to run, I wanted to be with him and I never wanted to leave. It’s been 4 weeks now, I haven’t talked to him in 11 days and I feel it’s getting easier but I still hope he will return, I have realized my faults and the things I need to work on, I’m planning on going back on my medication next week but I don’t know if he will ever come around.. the more I told him I will be there, we will talk it out and that I love him so much it never worked so I got angry. He told me that I was perfect and he wishes he could give me the world.
Over a week ago, the girl that he use to talk too, he went and liked her picture on Instagram and he knew I would see it because before all of this, she started to follow me and him. Of course my first reaction was to message him, he said he didn’t know he did it and he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose and just got more angry with him, I felt like he opened up a little bit but he shut right down again and that’s when I finally left him alone, I just couldn’t fight no more.. I’ve tried, then yesterday he went and liked another picture of her and obviously he wasn’t a accident and he knew I would see it, he knew it would bother me and I didn’t give a reaction this time, I can’t make him realize what is in front of him and I wish I could, but I truly believe the best thing I can do is leave him alone and keep my distance. I want him to come back, but I know that’s there’s a possibility he won’t but I can’t let go, I have something to tell me not too.. as bad as this can sound, I know my ex isn’t this person, he was caring and loving and I could feel the love, I could see it in his eyes and his smile and he gave me the best two years of my life and I don’t want to let that go, but he’s gone so so cold.. I don’t even feel angry, I feel more sad that he turned out to be like this, but I know it has to be depression with the anxiety attacks, pushing me away, the irritation and anger but not till all of this happened, I didn’t realize.. has anyone been through this and got through it and their loved one came back? I think of him as soon as I open my eyes, and till the time I go to bed and it’s killing me. Despite all of this, I deleted him off Facebook but I still do have him on Instagram and Snapchat and he still has our photos there. I really don’t want to reach out, I’m tired of being the one to reach out and feel like he need’s to do this on his own and I’m afraid that maybe I’m not enough anymore, I did whatever I could for him. I washed his clothes and folded them, cut his toenails, rubbed and put lotion on his feet, cleaned out the bathroom after work for him, made him supper and tended on him hand and foot but I was so proud to do it for him and now it seem’s like none of it matters and I’m sorry for rambling but my mind is consumed of so many things thoughts so I just keep typing and typing. Is there anything I can do? I don’t want to reach out, I’m just hoping he will come around. How do you go from kissing me that morning to this?
Also I wanted to clarify that I’m staying with my sister, her boyfriend, his sister and his sister’s fiancé and my ex also happens to work with my sister’s boyfriend and his sister’s fiancé and continued to pick the fiancé up here, knowing I was staying here. He has missed work at first, the next day after I took my things he didn’t go to work because he was sick throwing up(he does this when he’s sad and stressed) he was looking ill, and he has lost more weight too.. I just want to be able to work on this, but I don’t even know anymore. I don’t like the person he has become, and if he ever really did hurt me outside of the depression like with another woman, I don’t think I could excuse that. I love with my whole heart, I make excuses for him and not even excuses it’s just that this happens to so many women and men and it seem’s to be happening so much more and it does give me peace of mind, it makes sense what is happening now and I just hope he will come around.. but I’m not so sure, he hasn’t tried to message me and seem’s like he couldn’t give two shit’s about me
and I’m sorry to add in again, the girl got a boyfriend of 4 years, and honestly I know that being in a relationship doesn’t stop people from cheating but her page is full of pictures of both of them, and he told me he didn’t like her and that he don’t need other girls when he’s in love with me and honestly just reading through our old fight I am on the verge of crying, this is so hard
I’m so very sorry to hear your story and how sad you were. I recently was online reading this and wanted to reach out and just say that it sounds like, if anything, there is a lot of love between you two. Based on my habits and weaknesses, I push away and take no actions as not trying in a relationship. I’m currently dealing with that at the moment. Maybe try to focus your thoughts and reach out if you still have those strong feelings, then let him know you feel that way in a pre-notioned little message? Not talking is a weakness I’m trying to work on, because I’m always so upset and hurt from the lack of tender communication. If you feel love still, then speak your truth. Hope all is better now, and many blessings in your future. Your online buddy, Ali ♡
I’m very sorry about your situation. I know it was awhile ago so I’m not sure if it is still an issue. But I was in a situation very similar to yours. Had a great, loving, amazing guy that I was with for 2 years and then all of a sudden he started backing off. I begged and pleaded with him to go to therapy or do something for his depression, but he told me he was fine and basically that I was the problem. He started talking to a girl from work and I confronted him about it several times. He finally broke up with me and said he didn’t love me anymore and I was so confused. He did end up dating that girl and then later left her. He tried to come back a couple times soon after he left her and told me he always did love me but thought his unhappiness was because of me so he went with her to try something different (And at this time he had started going to therapy). He left again after a couple months because he said he had so much shame and guilt about what he had done to me that he didn’t think he could ever get over what he had done to me. I went into the darkest place I have been in my life after that break up and was so insecure. I attended lots of therapy to try to learn to love myself and convince myself that I was not the problem.
It’s been 3 years since our first breakup (like I said we got together a couple times between that time but not more than a couple months). He had therapy for over a year and has been continuing to watch/read/listen to talks and techniques to help himself. He moved away from his family to start a new life and I did end up reaching out to him. I had been with a few guys (And some of them were nice guys) in the meantime but never felt the connection I had with him. We have been seriously talking over the past 3-4 months now and I have laid down the boundaries and ground rules for this relationship at this time. I have had several in depth conversations with him about the past and he is fully willing to admit he made a mistake and leaving me was his greatest regret in life. He talks about all of the reasons why he thought he didn’t love me and that he was projecting his feelings of himself and his shame onto me. Time is a huge factor in these things as well and you can’t rush it. Some people never will go to therapy or get the help they need and it truly is tragic. But even if they do, it takes a long time for them to work through their issues and you can’t expect to jump back into a relationship with them and it’s all good right after.
I will say, it is still extremely difficult to move past what he did to me back then and get over the girl he left me for. He continually tries to reassure me he never had the emotional/intimate connection with her that he did with me, and I know I felt the same with the guys I’ve been with too so I try to believe him. But it is hard to trust again and move past the insecurities that I felt when he left for that other girl. I still have lots of questions and fears that he is going to leave again. But I have taken the time to work on myself as well and I know that I am worth love so if he doesn’t see what he has this time around, someone else will.
The big thing here though, is that he went to therapy. He wouldn’t do it when he was with me, but he eventually did and THAT is why it is possible we could work. I know that if he had not gone to therapy, we would have just continued going in circles. It’s not easy and we have a long way to go but it is possible if both people are willing to work on themselves and the relationship. But I have listed some of the things that I have noticed as indicators that he has truly changed:
1. He can admit he had a problem and even describes what his mindset was at that time
2. He is open about the past and allows me to ask questions
3. He moved away to start a new life (shows he took initiative to be a better person)
4. He has been more calm and collected in tense situations and treats me like a priority
5. He went to therapy and it has been 3 years since he left me
There is hope and I sincerely hope your guy is willing to take the steps he needs to work things out! All you can do right now is focus on loving yourself and being the best version of you. I know it’s hard to hear, but only time will tell what happens and you need to have patience and assume that things will work out for the best for you whether it’s with or without him. Best of luck!
These stories sound just like my own. I was with an amazing man; kind, compassionate, thoughtful, emotional. We were having our first baby together and were engaged. Then he started acting strange. Panicking about us getting married, my divorce from my ex-husband, he started smoking again which sent my pregnancy brain into overdrive. I overreacted obviously and said things I didn’t mean. He went back to the US so I could sort his visa so he could live in the UK and do his degree (what he wanted to do). He started pulling away. Wanted to do a vow of silence for a month. Didn’t want to come back to the UK. Wouldn’t say whether he would be at the birth of his son. Five days before he broke up with me he said that I wanted someone else, which I denied. He said in the same conversation that he wanted us to grow old together. Then I got angry a couple of days later coz he refused to talk about coming to the UK. And then he wouldn’t respond to my messaged so I worried. Then he called me and broke up with me. Said he was still in love with me but that love wasn’t enough and that we wouldn’t work. That he would never leave the US again. Wanted us to be friends. I couldn’t be coz I was in love with him. We now have no contact. He hasn’t met his son and refuses to have mediation.
When you look back, you can see it’ s depression. I’m determined to make sure his has a relationship with his son. Depression is so awful and it rips families apart.
Women play this game, too. We can be the strong and silent type. And for those of us who have already abandoned nurturing, affection, vulnerability, and other other so-called womanly traits as signs of weakness, why not. The glass ceiling of depression has given way and all are welcome.
hi all. I don’t even know where to begin this post. I’ve sat here for the last few hours reading so many of your posts feeling overwhelmed and full of sadness, but also with a new sense of realization that so many more have endured so much pain due to this illness. My boyfriend of 7 months dropped me last night. As if our relationship meant nothing. Now I know that by comparison to many of you on here that have had years of investment in your relationship, let me give you a little background. I am a widow of five years. Very young widow. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly leaving me to build the pieces back one brick at time. I was alone, scared, sad and unsure. Fast forward a couple of years. I dedicated myself to therapy, yoga, mindful meditation, reading, support groups, you name it. I did it. Then I met my fellow a few months ago through an online social group platform. We met, hit it off immediately and quickly became friends. We shared a lot of the same interests in movies, books, etc. and then he dropped a whopper about his past that in his mind he thought would send me running for the hills. You see where this is going? It did not. I was open about my lack of dating because I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I felt I was healed from my husband’s death and I was in a healthy place both mentally and emotionally. He, however, was honest that he had a not so easy past. He endured serious trauma that ended in an ugly divorce which was parallel to my timing of five years. He lost all his friends as had I when my husband died and so we bonded. Hence, began a lovely relationship of laughter, sharing, exploring our city and even a few weekend trips. And then he expressed his unyielding love for me. Told me he’d never felt so happy in all his life and that finally he knew what love was. As you can imagine, I was a little hesitant when he told me he loved me. I hadn’t said those words since my husband and with no pressure the boyfriend understood. The spending quality time together continued and I slowly saw bits and pieces of sadness and crankiness, but through it all I fell in love. HARD. DEEPLY. AND THEN it began. The detachment, the lack of emotion. I also noticed that whenever we went out we did only what he wanted to do, ate at the places he wanted to eat and basically carried conversations solely on what he wanted to talk about. I felt myself diminishing in this relationship. What happened to my nice guy who wanted to learn and partake in all my interests? Who at first “woo’d” me if you will with his promised of wanted to evolve and learn more about them. It stopped and then the arguments and the meanness surfaced. At first, I cried cause yes, I am a crier. Followed by forgiveness because how couldn’t I give him a break, it was his first real relationship post divorce (also five years). He’d been with her since early teens and so never really had any dating experience. He admitted that he’d suffered from depression since a teen and that his early on marriage only contributed to it because of the emotional abuse he endured in his marriage. He is a very subdued type of man, very quiet doesn’t say a lot, but man oh man, when he was alive he was alive, funny, charming, sweet, sarcastic somewhat awkward and I loved him to pieces. Well, he dumped me. Granted it’s only 7 months, but I fell hard. Really hard and reading the majority of these posts and the manner in which most of the women describe the empty eyes, the mean temperament, the lack of consoling me when he would dump his bad mood on me, I can’t believe it happened. Just last weekend, literally 5 days ago he called me the love of his life and asked me to promise him that I’d never leave him. He wanted us to really work on building a life and filled me with promises that we were it for each other. Every thing moved very slowly for us and so of course I thought we did things right. We spent a lot of quality time talking on the phone getting to know each other and never once did I see this side. And then he started waking up cranky and calling me to dump. He had zero motivation to do anything that interested me or even step outside of his box to try new things. He even wears the same wardrobe daily. Refused to try anything new and said I was pressuring him too much to do things he did not want. Things he said when we first met he wanted to do. His excuse last night. I don’t love you. Granted we haven’t really been getting along for about 2 months, but that’s because he is so cold and unresponsive he started making me into a ball of panic. I am a very patient person and I was confused by his behavior and so when I’d address it, he want to break up and run. Of course, it never happened but eventually I started to feel like he was hanging our relationship over my head and so I had to watch what I said, the tone that I used and how I came across. Well, a couple of days ago he was distant and cold and I said to him I had been feeling unloved and unwanted for quite some time. I asked him if he loved/liked himself. No answer. I told him that unless he liked/loved himself he would never be able to love me the way I needed. Well, guess what he used my own words against me last night. And, even though our relationship was short. We had this intense connection that was so nice and easy. Apparently, our relationship heightened his depression making him feel even more inadequate and he said he doesn’t love me, asked me to move on because he still has a lot of work to do and is not ready. Never really thought he was for a relationship. I guess the whole purpose of my post is. How do sit idly by and let someone who I came to care for so very deeply leave. I should add that he attempted suicide a few years back and almost succeeded. But now, he is done and as asked me to leave him alone. Three days ago we were laughing, hugging and kissing and last night he never really loved me. Now he’s cut off all communication and as asked that I leave him alone because he is not good for me, that I deserve someone who will love and make me happy the way I deserve. I guess my confusion is at the fact that I had no say. It was his decision and it’s done. I do commend him for being so honest. I had been feeling for quite some time like I was seeing a lot of red flags and they were concerning me, but I pushed them to the side because in typical form. I was in love with him and thought my love would be enough. I was wrong. I am sad, alone, hurt, confused, scared, but most of all worried. He has no one in his life that is good to him. He believes himself to be a nothing. His self-esteem is practically non-existent and for me to see someone I care so deeply about think so low of himself breaks me to pieces. Now he has pushed me away and gone back into hiding, which I imagine is adding to his depression. How do I let go? I have been through so much and it took me a long time following my husband’s death to even open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. I was set in staying single forever and content with that notion. Then my sweet boyfriend of a man showed up and changed my outlook completely and now he’s gone. As if he was never here. I haven’t slept or stopped crying in the last 24 hours. I miss him terribly already and know he won’t take good care of himself. This is so hard for me. Having buried my husband, I know how short life can be and how we should try our best to live it to the fullest. How to help someone who doesn’t see it that way and just stand back while they whittle living an empty shell of a life. I am heartbroken and alone once again and there is nothing I can do to help him.
Your story is very similar to mine. My ex asked me if it was ok for him to take a step back in July. After seeing what he was like, I had no choice but agree. We stayed in contact as friends for about 5 months but he was slowly distancing himself. He also knew that I was struggling with just a friendship. We are no longer friends on Facebook and he blocked me on Instagram. He originally blocked me on Facebook but he unblocked me a month lately. He also unfriended a mutual friend of ours, who he opened up to about his depression and anxiety, around the same time he unblocked me. It was quite hurtful he did all of this but he is clearly cutting ties and just doing what he has to do. He recently removed more of our mutual friends off Facebook and Instagram (they are still following him though). I have been giving him a lot of space. He is moving further and further away from me. I don’t think there’s much else I can do. He is going to be like this for a while. He said to me a couple of times that his doctor said that he is either really depressed or really happy. To me that sounded like bipolar but I didn’t ask anything further at that time as we had broken up and I didn’t want to intrude too much. His birthday is in March so I’ll reach out to him then.
How are you going?
Hello
I am new to all of this and would like some input please.
I met this amazing guy and we dated for almost a year now. At the time he was separated from his wife, he was single for 3months. On paper he is still married but not with her, he moved out and moved on.
He fell in love with me 3weeks into us dating.
I am super guarded with my feelings so he understood why it took me longer to say I love you.
We met each others family and kids. We were great, he was extremely loving and supportive we never even argued. He was super attentive with me and last month he started to pull away. We spoke and all he said was he is in a funk and that he needs to get out of it. He said I havent done anything wrong, that its not my fault. The calls text dates everything just stopped. I respected his wishes and gave him space, he FT me to see how I was..I was ok but unhappy and confused because I was in limbo. He likes all my posts and views all my stories on IG not sure why I unfollowed him because I dont want to heal. Recently I had a friend whom passed away. I had text him because I think we should meet up to talk, he asked me if I was ok, I said no..he asked why I told him about my friend passing and he replied he will get back to me when we can meet up. I love him dearly and I know he loves me but how do you love someone and let them be?
I have never been in a relationship but I am very guarding toward women. I grew up around of women and often heard from them how women are better than men. This argument has bred insecurity and resentment toward them and my depression exacerbates my feelings. I often feel like there is no point of men existing at all. The thought of women being better makes me not want to try because she can do it better anyway.
It might sound silly and stupid but it is a real problem that I am going through.
I understand how you come to feel this. And I am so sorry the women you grew up with made you feel not good enough. You are, by the way. <3
My husband through almost 20 years had som kind of breakdown last year, and ended up changing personality completly. Me and our teenagew girl, dont want anything to do with in untill he is out of this full blown denial and stop blaming me, and her, for everything that is wrong in his life.
I think he in many ways has that same insecurity you write about, but not regarding his sex, but beacuse he learned from a very young age to be driven. As a really sensitive, beautiful boy, he choose to do "an Elsa": Dont feel, conceal.
And in the long run, I think that broke him. But you must remember: Alle women arent like the ones you grew up with. You will get there.
I hope everyone that has written on here is doing ok….
It truly is an awful disease and everyone suffers…. 🙁
Hang in there everyone and post when you can.
Hi Sue,
I read your posts and i’m in a similar situation… and am so confused.
Let me know if you want to exchange email addresses or even talk on What’s App.
I think I am now strong enough to call it quits. My husbands depression is starting to make me resent him. I find him weak and cowardly, and it is becoming difficult to be next to him. I have known him for 10 years now, been together for 7 and married for almost 2 of those 7 years. We have a beautiful son together whom thinks the world of his dad, but I am starting to notice our son detaching from my husband as well. I always knew he suffered from depression, he let me know from the beginning that he had been diagnosed with Major Depression Disoder. But when we first met he was doing so well, he has 3 children from previous relationships but was working 2 jobs to take care of himself and pay child support. I was so young when we met, only 20 years old and he was one of the only man I knew who had a job and a car and their own place (he is only a year older than me). We became serious three years later and from the day I made plans to move in with him everything changed.
I got pregnant as soon as we moved in together and that caused a lot of stress. He decided to quit his job a month after I moved in and that has been a trend since then. On top of that, he has cheated too many times for me to keep track and honestly I am ashamed that I still love him and want things to work out.
We got married October 2016 and it seems that his depression has only gotten worse. It used to be that he was depressed in the winter months but was able to be halfway stable during the other seasons. But since we wed, every day is worse than the day before. I feel like I’m constantly talking him off the ledge as he is always threatening suicide. Most recently he purchased a shot gun while I was out of town for work and threatened to shoot himself every day of the three weeks I was gone.
I don’t feel like a wife. I feel like a care giver or a babysitter or a maid. He takes zero initiative to help in raising our son, doesn’t engage with his other children either.
My family urges me to leave and find my own way but it’s so hard. I have seen him at his best and that is the man that I fell in love with. But reality hits and that man has been gone for seven years. I am now faced with the decision to move cross country for my job which includes a huge raise in my salary and is where I am from so I have the support of my family. I want my husband to come but he changes his mind everyday. He doesn’t want to move but doesn’t want to stay either, he quit his job yesterday so has no means to take care of himself which terrifies me.
I am at my wits end. If I keep this cluster fuck of a marriage up I am going to go insane. I can’t trust him, he lies, cheats, makes hasty decisions and scares me and my son. But I love him and don’t know how to stop.
Morally I want to live out my marital obligations I vowed to under God. However I have started a weekly bible study and have begun to understand that I have grounds for terminating my marriage. His constant infidelity grants reason to divorce. But every time I try to give up he says he will kill himself and it will be my fault. Even though I know it won’t, it doesn’t make the hurt and pain ease. We tried therapy. The therapist pretty much said our problems were overwhelming and he saw slim chance of us working it out. My husband was briefly on meds when he was first diagnosed 13 years ago but refuses to give meds another shot.
I am so tired, everyday I am consumed with trying to please him, make him happy, save him. I have nothing left for myself. Throughout this relationship I have lost sight of who I am. I think and I hope I am brave enough to let this go. I don’t think I can bare much more.
I always thought I was the only one going through this, nobody could relate. It is inspiring to know that there are others who are and have lived through this hell and have made a way out.
Sorry to hear this Mrs Williams. I hope you are doing ok….
I hear you about being tired and confused…..and that you have nothing left for yourself.
No you are not the only one going through this. There are a lot of us out there….. It is inspiring to know that there are others but sad at the same time…
I hear you about morally wanting to live out your marital obligations but you do have to consider yourself here as well.
I can understand why you are starting to resent him as well. It is tough…..
I hear you about being horrible in the winter months and better in the other seasons. Mine is the same. Winter is a terrible time…which is now for us.
It worries me that he bought a shot gun though…..threatening to kill himself all the time is not good. He sounds like he needs serious help…unfortunately if he doesn’t want it, there is not much you can do.
Can you chat with his doctor about him? Or go to a doctor yourself and ask for help? Please be careful.
I hope you are going a bit better. Have you actually called it quits?
Think about yourself now too and of course your child. You need to look after yourself.
Please keep in touch.
I truly hope things get better for you, don’t judge yourself. You have tried and tried…..if you go, you are not giving up, you are just realising you need to look after yourself too. You have been so unselfish all this time, now its time to be a little selfish and look after you and your child. Only you can make the decision for what is best for you.
Hi Chrissy
I hear you…. it is an awful disease.
Your husband sounds like he is going through a really low time. What you have to remember is it is not your or your child. It is him. He is suffering and unfortunately they don’t know how to let others help them. Most don’t want the help. They just want to be left alone.
If he has stopped his meds, hopefully he has gone off them gradually. Not good to just stop them. His meds might be making him feel the way he does as well. Antidepressants are supposed to help but not all of he meds work the same for everyone. I know the first meds my partner was on made him numb. He had no feelings whatsoever. The ones he is on now are not much better but slightly. He still needs to try another type but it’s getting him to do so. I know when he has missed one day of taking his meds. Huge change the next day and for about three days after.
As far as advice goes. Well, what I have had to do is take a step back. Leave him alone. Show him you care and tell him you are there for him. But maybe he needs the space to try and help himself. I had a 7 week break a couple years ago from my partner. I went overseas. I didn’t believe he would be at home when I got back because when I left our relationship was pretty much over. We had both said that. Him more than me as it was not what I wanted. When I arrived back he was waiting at the airport. He was like the guy I first fell in love with. It was beautiful. It stayed like that for about six months. Then he had another bout of very bad depression. Very low. Since then it has been up and down. I believe this is how it is going to be…. so I have to decide can I live like this, do I want to live like this… it affects my health and happiness. Those questions I have not answered yet. I don’t want our relationship to end but….
you should talk to a doctor or psych or someone that may be able to help you. Remember you need to look after yourself and your child.
He is not happy for whatever reason…job etc. He may not even know himself. He needs to work it out. Just be there and listen. If you don’t see him at all. Send a text message just saying you are there keep in touch but don’t sound needy or pushy. I know my partner does not like it if I appear needy, teary or I sound like I’m telling him what to do. He doesn’t know how to deal with it as he has very very little emotions or feelings. So he shuts down if I am like that. Then just watched TV or sleeps.
I hope some of this helps you. I hope things work out for you. Be strong and take care.
Write on here when you need to. It is a good chat area. And reading about a lot of other people in similar situations can help.
Smile when you can and even when it is hard too. It helps.
I don’t usually comment on anything online but I am in such a state and I empathized so much with the people who have commented here. My situation is not as severe- but hopefully someone will see this and can give me some insight. My boyfriend of two years and I moved in together a little over a year ago. He has always battled with depression. In addition to this, he is a shy introverted type- which is quite opposite of me. He has a child from a previous relationship- leading to a very unconventional custody situation and resulted in his needing to stay at his daughter’s house every weekend and holidays- with his ex’s family. Therefore, we only have weekday evenings together. I have been encouraging him and helped him take steps preparing to see a lawyer to help rectify his custody situation- which I believe is a huge source of stress that exacerbates his depression. Despite these difficult circumstances, we have had an affectionate and loving relationship. He has always been very sweet, sex life is great, we have meaningful time together and mesh well with our interests. A few months ago he got a new job- which pays significantly more and I was feeling hopeful that this would springboard him into action with his daughter (when we got an apt, we got a two bedroom to accommodate her living here in the event of him getting full custody). I brought up buying a house given our new combined income makes this possible. He seemed interested in this- though at the age of 31 he is not used to doing a lot of adult things and doesn’t quite understand them.
About a month ago he started saying that he “isn’t feeling himself” and that his depression and hopelessness have gotten significantly worse. He has tried medication in the past but he claims they did not help. He even suggested making an appt to see a doctor to look at his choices- but every time I’ve reminded him to call, he forgets. In this time, he has also become very short with me- not angry at all, but seemingly disinterested. Where he used to be very affectionate, he is cold and standoffish. At first I got very upset and so scared that he wanted to break up, that I barraged him with questions: “is it me? Did I do something wrong? Is it that you don’t want to be with me? Did you meet someone else? Do you not love me anymore?” He claimed no to all of these questions and said “I feel so hopeless and depressed and I don’t even know why- it’s not you”. He also mentioned that my asking him all those questions repeatedly was making him feel worse, and that he had been trying not to “shut down” emotionally. I realized that despite my fear that his real answer to those questions was yes, I had to take him at his word and assume it was not me.
The last few weeks have been very painful. I have been crying in private, at work, in my car- he doesn’t reply to text messages, he doesn’t use terms of endearment, he is so distant and cold- but I have put on a very brave face- I’ve been the best me I can be- I have been accommodating and sweet and I do things for him. I also happen to be doing a part time job for one month which is 5 hours per day every week day after my full time job. This gives us very little time together, and when I get home- he is despondent, sighing and seeming to avoid any affection. He claims that his depression is so bad- but has not taken steps to see a doctor. I keep offering every support I can think of- while still trying to remain positive and avoid annoying him. I should also mention that despite this emotional distance- our sex life has remained intact.
This morning, (while with his daughter for the weekend) he texted me saying that he is having second thoughts about living in our apartment. I think he is considering moving back to his parents house where life is easy and rent free- but it would leave me without a place to live if he follows through with this. I asked if it was that he didn’t want to live with me or if he wanted to move to a new place together but he hasn’t responded in several hours- which is unusual for the “normal” him.
I have assumed that this means he wants to break up and that his recent behavior is a sign that he doesn’t feel about me how he used to. I have been inconsolable, devastated, and petrified about what I think may be an impending break up. I had a break up about 8 years ago that took me nearly 6 years to recover from. I’m not getting younger, everyone I know is happily married and with kids. I want this man to be the one I grow old with and have all the things life can offer- a house, a child- a family and a home. But I’m so unbelievably fearful that he has fallen out of love with me and that his depression is at least partially to blame. His situation makes it so that he can’t really look forward to anything and he never gets a break, and that may have been wearing on him also. I feel so very heart broken and am reaching out in hopes that someone has some experience with being on either side of this kind of relationship.
Hi Helena,
I am not sure I can offer advise to you but your story is very similar to mine. Although, my partner and I are much older…. Unfortunately what I have learned by living with my partner of 6 years is that depression is a very selfish disease. Others are never put first, the person suffering the depression seems to not be able to think about others as much as they should in a relationship. I often feel like I am initiating everything. Having said that, it’s also very hard being ‘ignored’ or left behind on things. I find my partner’s mind changes like the wind. One minute he is happy and discussing what we will be doing in the future and the very next day it can be that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if he wants to be here….this has been going on for 3 years out of the 6 years that I have known him. His depression seems to be getting worse as he gets older….I guess that is to do wiht life changes, life experiences, work etc…. He is on meds and they do help as I know when he has missed one day! They do not fix or cure the depression though. I have worked out that the individual has to want to help themselves in order to really start to feel better. He continues to take meds but he doesn’t tell the doctor about what is going on. He just keeps getting his scrip renewed – thats it. So nothing changes….
If I knew my life was going to be like this when I first met my partner, I don’t think I would have allowed it to go this far…..please don’t get me wrong, I love my partner with all my heart and I want him in my life always but that is because I feel in love with him not knowing all this. The signs were not there as we dated and fell in love. We then bought a house together. It is very very hard living with someone that has depression.
My partner hasn’t fallen out of love with me, he just can’t show me a lot of times. It is always when he is able to. I can be crying and upset and he just sits there, doesn’t console me. He has a hard time giving hugs etc…. He has very low self-esteem, apparently always has.
One thing I know he hates and does not cope with at all is questions. When he is not showing affection or doesn’t want to do anything, I used to ask “is it me” “don’t you love me” etc… As he was in his low moments the easiest thing for him to say is “I don’t know” It meant normally that I would just be quiet and walk away, which is exactly what he wanted. He couldn’t cope with questions etc. and he himself didn’t know what was wrong with him. He has recently lost two family immediate family members and he wasn’t even able to cry when they passed or at their funerals, he hasn’t cried at all…..he is not able to.
When I do ask questions his self protection mode is to shut down, be mean and then fall asleep.
I have found that just leaving him alone and getting on with my life is the best thing.
You sound lovely and still young enough to be able to meet someone and have that dream that you want. I am just saying be careful…..if you do end up with him and he doesn’t get help, you may end up living the rollercoaster that I am living now. Love is special but it takes more than love to be able to live with someone that is not in control of their own life and doesn’t know what they want from day to day. It hurts, it hurts heaps……I always hope that one day he will be the person that I first met….I miss that person.
Good luck and I hope you find inner peace and love.
Hi Sue,
I so appreciate your reply. The past 2 days have been a hell of paralyzing fear and sadness. I’ve cried until I feel i could implode into myself. I too have had bouts of depression- and I’ve been on medication for panic attacks for several years until a few months ago after I had been doing okay and my doctor suggested I come off. My depression typically manifests after an incident- when my stepfather died, a previous breakup, etc. The panic attacks are not always prompted by something but I quell them with comfort in my relationship- which is why when I feel like it might be over, everything comes crashing down.
It sounds like you are in a limbo of sorts, and always at the mercy of your partners mood at any given moment. I so deeply empathize with this, now having experienced just a taste of it. I too fell in love with this man without knowing what this would be like but I am loyal and sensitive and attached to a fault that would prevent me from ever initiating a breakup even if it was imminently necessary. This scares me so much about myself. I’m an idealist who devoted herself to a person so much and relies on them so much for my own sanity that if they leave or change their mind or distance themself from me- it feels like I’m going to die. I know logically all the things I should do, I know what I would tell myself if I was a friend or family member of mine- but it doesn’t help because the love is paramount, untouchable and unflappable despite all reason.
I believe I need a doctor and to go back on medication and take care of myself regardless of what happens with my boyfriend- whether he leaves or stays, we break up or stay together, I need to not be so dependent on a person who is not dependable because his own depression prevents him from being able to- we obviously experience these feelings quite differently- I cling he shuts down.
Again, your reply meant so much to me as I feel so alone and fearful. While I would never ever wish this feeling on an enemy- knowing other people have been where I been and would read about my situation and reach out with kind words means more than I can say.
For you and everyone who is experiencing this- on either side- you are not alone. We all are out here, existing in our private hell trying to pull out of it in what ever way we can. There is strength in knowing that, I think.
Oh Helena,
I feel for you….. I know how you feel….it is a very hard time. I have felt all that you are feeling, sad, lonely, scared, desperate and even angry at times….
I can understand your depression and anxiety manifesting after incidents. I feel as though I have suffered a few episodes of depression over the past few years as well.
Unfortunately with depression, someone suffering it like your partner and my partner, nothing is ever for sure….as they don’t know themselves what they want or need.
I am in limbo and have been for a little while now. I guess I just keep hoping that things will get better. Then they do and I let my guard down and fall in love all over again.(not that I ever fell out of love but I didn’t feel loved). I tell myself this is why I stayed. He is a good person and I love him and he loves me. Then the depression takes hold again and we go down the roller coaster ride again. He says very very hurtful things and acts like he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be here. He says it too. I panic, I get scared and I cry…… he ignores and he sleeps. By the next morning or sometimes a few days later, he acts as if nothing ever happened. He doesn’t ever apologise for what he says. He never wants to talk about what happened. If I try to talk about it, he explodes. I am supposed to just move on and pretend that he didn’t say “I don’t know if I love you”. “I don’t know if I want to be here. ” “The relationship is over” etc… How do I do this? I can’t just forget that he said such hurtful things. I get anxious and think he does really mean it. Then he comes good and tells me how much he loves me. Talks about future trips together etc… But still no apology or explanation for what he has said. I don’t feel I can keep letting him say these things to me and act this way, no matter how he is feeling. It is crushing me and I stress, get scared, feel lonely and get anxious. Then I start to get angry and I start to protect myself and put my wall up…..I ask myself, ‘how can he say these things to e, why won’t he apologise, why won’t he show me he loves me? etc… When I put my wall up he gets angry that I am not speaking a lot to him, that it is just small talk. He also gets angry if I am crying! Wow…… I don’t know how I have lived like this for nearly 2 years…… All I have ever wanted is to be in a loving, happy relationship. When I met him I thought I had finally found my soul mate, the one that I would live happily ever after with. I am at the stage in my life where my kids are grown up and have their own places. He is the same. My partner and I should be enjoying our life. We are not retired and still have about 10 more years of work but we don’t have special quality time together because of his depression. I can’t get him to go out and enjoy life. One minute he wants to go out, the next minute he doesn’t…yes, it can change that quickly…it’s very very sad. It was never like this in the first 4 years together. And it just seems to be getting worse…..
As far as our intimacy goes, that is affected as well. He says “I don’t feel like it.” “I don’t want to give you a hug.” etc. when he is in his depressive state. Even when I am going through a tragic event in my life, he can say to me he doesn’t feel like giving me a hug when I ask for one as I am distraught about someone passing in my family.. (yes, sad that I have to ask for hug when I am in tears about a family member passing, even sadder that he doesn’t feel like giving me a hug….) That is why I feel so in limbo. I don’t want to live like this, yet I don’t want to lose him either. My heart tells me to stay and my head says go…..live life. Right now I feel like I live with a house guest not my partner. I am so lonely……and I feel if I don’t do something soon, I will end up being quite depressed myself. I have tried to help him because I care and all I get is that I am trying to control him. There is a big difference between care and control but he doesn’t see this and to him care is control. I am not the sort of person that can just switch off someone I love. I want to reach out to them and to help them, to be there for them. He calls this smothering…..
I guess that is why he doesn’t reach out to me or doesn’t show care for me, he doesn’t want to smother me…..if only….
So yes I am in limbo and at the mercy of his depressive moods.
I hear you about how you feel and how you would not initiate leaving him. How you feel if he was to leave you. How you are loyal and committed to him no matter what. I am the same. I guess that is why I am still here……it is killing me but I don’t want to give up on him. I don’t want to give up on us…. if the time was to come that he leaves then I guess I will have to deal with that….how I don’t. know.
Seeing a doctor would be good for you. You do need to take care of yourself. And very true about you not being so dependent on a person who is not dependable. I have learnt that. I have also learnt that being dependent on him has actually made things worse with him. I guess that is because of his depression as he is not able to cope with it. He can’t depend on himself let alone have someone being ‘needy’ or someone that depends on him. So I have had to learn to try and be strong and not dependent. It has been hard but doing other things has helped. This page has helped…..I am able to get things off my chest and chat with lovely people like you that understand what I am saying as unfortunately you are experiencing something similar….. You are so right about “I cling, he shuts down”. My partner does exactly that.
You are not alone. I am glad my reply helped you to not feel so alone. Email when you can anytime. It helps all of us….
I also must add that winter is not a good season for someone suffering depression. It is our winter now and it is cold. This is when he really goes down hill. He loves the sun and our summer months are beautiful and hot. Unfortunately, we won’t be seeing summer until December…..so its months away.
As I type this it is 8:15pm and he is on the lounge a sleep….
I truly hope things get better for you. I am here the you want to email. Big hugs and thinking of you.
You have summed my life up in this speel … life can be so cruel
How you doing Helena?
Hope you are doing ok….
Cheers
Sue 🙂
Hi Sue,
After a couple of weeks of a complete roller coaster- one night we would be fine and making plans.. laughing, sweet, affectionate, the next he was distant and cold…. we had plans tonight and I was hopeful that we could try to be positive and have a good night. I waited for him for 3 hours to come home to our apartment, and finally he texted me… and broke up with me via text. He refused to come home because he says he couldn’t see me upset. I told him that I deserve at least a little bit of time and an attempt on his part to get better and then maybe he would feel differently. He just kept saying he’s worthless and terrible and I’d be better off without him.
I’ve spent the past several hours begging him via text to come home so we can talk but he won’t and now he’s not responding at all anymore
I’m devastated and I can’t sleep and I tried so hard and did so much for him and things were so good and then he just changes. I don’t know how to get through this, because all I want is for him to come back :,(
I was so upset when I wrote that I forgot to put my name. The anonymous comment was me, Helena. Today has been hell and as crazy as it is- all I want is for him to come back and let me help him work through his depression. I hope all is well with you, Sue.
Hey Helena,
So sorry to hear this….. I hope you are doing ok. You have to try and be strong….you can’t help him if he doesn’t want to help himself. I know how you feel though, you want to help him, you want to be there for him and you don’t want him to have to do it on his own as you love him. Unfortunately I am learning the hard way too… if they don’t want help, us insisting on helping them or pleading with them I have learned just pushes them away further as they can not deal with our feelings as they can not deal with their own. I find it pushes them away more.
I have backed off a bit. The weird thing is that by backing off he seems to show a bit more that he does need me in his own way. Unfortunately it is always on his terms though, when he wants to talk, when he wants to hug, when he wants to go out etc…. My feelings don’t actually exist with him as he can not be compassionate, he doesn’t know how to be.
It is really tough and only you know how much you can take before you yourself starts to spiral downwards…..be careful.
Everyone has told me to get a hobby and do what I love doing. I have yet to do this but I know I need to.
Please look after your well being. You are important…. take care and keep in touch.
I don’t always get a notification that there is a message on here. Also there is not always a reply button so I have replied under one of your other messages. Hope you get this.
I can relate to this and to the hurt it caused my wife. In my case it wasn’t a longing for sex that caused me to disengage from my marriage, it was a longing for emotional intimacy. The marriage went wrong almost from the start. I was (in retrospect) depressed, but for whatever reason I couldn’t be vulnerable with her, couldn’t confide in her, couldn’t let her in. The depression fed my unhappiness and my unhappiness fed the depression and I became some kind of monster, a gross distortion of who I really am. I tried so hard to be a good father to our daughters, I tried to compartmentalise everything, told myself I would sit it out till the girls left home, told myself to be happy with what I had. Yet I went out looking for, well, love I guess but of course I didn’t find it, all I found was hurt and dismay. My wife was a good, kind woman who deserved so much better but in the end I couldn’t carry on and I left. Youngest was 16. I let them have the house. I live in reduced circumstances but so much calmer. But a year on and the guilt has still got me – overpowering, burdensome guilt about leaving, about breaking the moral rules for my own affirmation. I have no desire to go back, my daughters are fine and well-adjusted, my wife seems ok (in some ways she’s hit the jackpot – she certainly holds the moral high ground), but goodness the guilt is something I don’t think I can live with much more.
Hey Andy
Can I ask what you meant by ’emotional therapy’? Was it emotional therapy you were looking for from your wife?
Was there a cause for your depression?
I hope you seek help from a doctor if you are depressed….they can help.
My partner suffers from depression. He has had a lot of tragedy in his life and therefore it all got very hard. He has suffered from it for about 10 years now. He is on meds to help but it doesn’t always help. I do find myself at the receiving end of his nasty outbursts. I try to help him but he does not look at it as me caring, he sees it as controlling and badgering. 🙁 I have had to learn to back off a bit but I am not that sort of person. If someone is hurting I want to be there for them, especially the people I care about. Unfortunately with him, he sees that as being smothering. He turns the tables and says it is not all about you! That is not what I was even thinking….. I know depression can be a very ‘selfish disease’ and let me tell you, I have experienced this side of it as well……
Meds alone don’t work. The person has to want to feel better. That is a catch 22 as when they are so down and can not seem to climb out of their hole they can’t think about getting better….so it does become a vicious circle at times. He sleeps a lot, especially when we have had a disagreement or argument. It mentally exhausts him. When we have good times we have really good times. He is a great person. Unfortunately the bad times are really bad…..there is not a lot in-between. Guilt is a very big part of his depression too. And if anything is mentioned that he ‘thinks’ is directed at him (when it is not) he get extremely angry. That is part of his guilt……but he turns the tables and makes it my fault.
Very very hard…. He won’t speak to a counsellor …… and as I said, the meds alone are help at times but not that much.
I hope you are able to find a good doctor and someone to speak to about your depression. Keep in touch. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there suffering from depression and a lot of carers/partners suffering too…..I am sure your wife will be ok but do you know that she is actually ok? Does she know you suffer from depression? If you can’t talk to her, maybe a letter to her explaining how you are suffering may help her to understand and help you to maybe ease some of your guilt….
I wish you the best.
Hey Sue, thank you for that thoughtful comment. I hope things improve for you. I guess two suggestions: one, you can help him but ultimately you’re not responsible and needn’t feel like you are; two, if the worst happens and he goes, try to see it as the illness rather than the person you fell in love with. I don’t know if either of you is religious but the Christian faith offers redemption from the most wretched of situations. Take care of you.
Surfing the web I stumbled on this amazing website with so many stories I learn from. I am a 26 year old man from VA. I met my wife in november 2010. We dated untill 2014, due to her affair and her drinking. We had very nasty arguments. I chose to leave because we harmed each other with every word we spoke.(I did not know she had been sufferening with depression since her father left in 2008). We met again in late 2015, she told me she had stopped drinking and was working kn her goals and we agreed to give it another try. We married in November 2016 and days after I find out she is having an emotional afair with her hugh scool swetheart from 2008. I also find out yhey had been dating while I was gone but the relationshio never officially ended. I confronted her and she said she loved me she was confused it was a mistake, etc. Her behaviour was similar as before but not quite as bad. She would isolate herself, try to keeo busy outside, she was never in the mood. She gained weight, she will sometimes cry alone. I found out she was depressive and throughout this years but never knew how to explaine it nor did I understand it. She confessed to an abortion in the year I was gone (which made her depression worst. I stayed with her, even though many times she said she didn’t love me. Many times she said I wasn’t making her happy like before. From the first affair incident jntil today I have found messages letters and phone calls from her to this man. She has thought about death in 2 occation that I know of. She has asked for a divorce and then regretted it. Last fabruary I sope with her and her parents I will leave if she speaks to that man once more. And today I have found messages and phone calls from last week. I dont know what to do, I love her and care for her well being and I want ti believe she does this from lack of good judgment due to her depression. I called my insurance today and I will take her to a doctor to get her some help. Thank you for taking your time to read.
Hey Joe, I just read your post. How are things now with you?
I totally get where you are coming from……
When you truly love someone, you help them, you care for them and believe in them. You try and do anything you can for them.
Depression is a terrible disease. It changes people dramatically. My partner has said the same things to me….it hurts. It also makes you wonder if it is the depression or if they really mean it? You are never really sure what they mean, what they feel….. A lot of the times they don’t know.
Infidelity along with hiding things and lies is not good through. Can you really ‘forget’ all that? I am sure you can forgive but forgetting and trusting again might be another challenge. Hats off to you if you are able to.
You obviously really love her and she is a very lucky person to have such a supportive loving husband.
I am with a partner who suffers depression as well. I have written on her many times about my situation. It is not easy.
I hope you were able to get her to see a doctor.
Remember, she has to want to help herself to get better….sometimes someone with depression can not see how they can help themselves nor do they have the energy to do so. So it is a vicious circle…..
Take care of yourself….trying to help a loved one with depression can really take its toll on you. It starts to bring you down as well.
This site is awesome to talk to people who are in the same situation. Its good to bounce things off of others.
Take care and I hope things are looking up for you and your wife.
I was married 26 years and my husband and I always got along (people thought we were a a strong couple, a team!) and worked together in the accounting business that he started. He had suffered depression over the years and was diagnosed as clinically depressed when the kids were young (we have three sons). The last five years of our marriage were spent with him in a deep depression; one child came out as gay and my husband spiraled down as a result. We finally called his psychiatrist because it seemed that he needed something more than talk therapy and drugs.
My husband tried drugs, therapy, ECT, TMS, acupuncture, etc. Nothing seemed to work. His ability to work lessened and he stopped coming into the office. He would awaken with anxiety and depression every day. I was always supportive, but we had a pact that he could complain about his depression as much as he wanted, but that I could speak my mind, too. In 5 years, I told him to “snap out of it” about 3 times. Other than that, I spent a lot of time at work to keep the boat afloat and doing everything at home, too.
Long story, short – his psychiatrist suggested that he go to Sierra Tucson in AZ at a cost of almost $50K. My stepmother graciously paid for his 30 days there (as a stop-gap measure, not a gift). Well, he met someone there and bolted for her town of Annapolis. He left me, our business (he was the CPA, not me!), and the town in which he was born and raised. He had been on the board of a bank and left behind unpaid loans, etc.
I filed for divorce when he told me that he didn’t love me and never had. It was apparent that he wasn’t
coming home. We finally got divorced in June of 2017 after 28 years and I’ve never heard a word of remorse.
I kept the business going and hired a CPA to help me. We had clients and employees to support! Life has changed drastically, but I’m getting a paycheck and working my butt off (I never got a paycheck in the 9 years that I had worked for him). I get no alimony and am left to pay my stepmother back, but what can one do when left in a bad situation?
You have to keep on going is what you have to do. Surround yourself with positive and loving friends and family, if possible, read about people who have experience similar situations, journal, exercise, and be grateful for the good things. It’s still hard, but I choose to learn from this situation to become stronger and be of service to others.
Life is short, so we have to make the best of it. That said, I am still healing and cognizant that my journey continues and I don’t push myself to be “healed” before I’m ready.
Really sorry you are going through this. Have you read up about mid life crisis. Mine all started 3 years ago.usual thing loved me didn’t love me blamed me for everything although we had had a good relationship married 20 years. Plenty of ups and some downs. Controlling mother who couldn’t see any wrong in her son. He was never accountable for his wrongdoings everything just swept under the carpet. History of mental illness on mother side. Auntie committed suicide due to depression auntie had sychtzophrenia. Had a son at 20 never saw him paid maintenance 19 years later son turns up in his life but he never really connected with him couldn’t get over it obviously not talked about and a bad time with his parents when this happened. Started a business failed lost our home and went bankrupt. Got to 47 obviously couldn’t cope and decided it was all down to me his bad life. He was nasty moody and cruel to the point of evil to me. Had an affair with girl at work 21 years younger than him conducting his sordid goings on at work where my son worked. Lied cheated and stole. I read lots from this blog could see the similarities of his behaviour and depression but also mid life crisis. It’s worth doing the research I think you will find they are both linked. Now nearly 4 years on he is in a better place better with me more like the man I knew and getting better by the day. After 8 months of treating me badly and me telling him he needed to go t9 the docs he eventually crashed and burned went to docs on anti depressants this has taken time to get where I am now. It’s still hard I can’t trust him anymore we have never discussed what happened as when I say anything he just says he can’t remember but he shows no remorse for his actions. I have learnt to detach it’s the best you can do for you. Leave him to figure out what he wants. Concentrate on you and your family he is the one loosing out. If he starts another relationship it will go down the same way until he realises that his problems are internal and happiness comes from within and not someone else. Hope things get better for you all
Jackie,
I hope you are still both in a better place and it is still continuing to get better. Hats off to you for being there for him after that you went through…..
Well said about ‘his problems are internal and happiness comes from within an not someone else’
I also believe midlife crisis plays a huge part.
Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are going.
I found the information here useful. I have been struggling for the last six months trying to figure out what happened. I met my husband three years ago. He is a disabled veteran with PTSD. We fell in love and got married a year latter. I had been single for many years and never thought I would get married again. It was a big commitment for me. Things went along well for the first year. We had some minor issues due to his PTSD. My passed away last May. My husband suffered a stroke in August. It was a lot to handle in such a short time. He was in the hospital for three days. They warned him of depression when we left the hospital. He appeared fine for about three weeks. He was going for followups at the local VA hospital. Then things started to change. He started acting very distant, he started calling me by name instead of honey. He spent more time away from home. We share a computer at home. A notification came up that he had mail from dating site. I opened his mail to discover he had been contacting other women. This was so out of character for him, I was in shock. I confronted him and he said he was glad I found it. He said he wanted me to hate him. He moved out that day, changed his cell phone number. Every time I tried to reason with him or get him mental health help he would get enraged. He said I caused his stroke and he didn’t want anything to do with me. It is like the man I married died and his body was taken over by this other person. It has been six months. He refuses to answer my emails and will not talk to me. He moved two hours away from home. I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what happened. All of his friends can not believe it either. They all said how happy he was prior to the stroke. He has cut off all contact with them as well. I am trying to come to terms with giving up on him . I don’t think I have any other choice.
So many hearts broken….mine is a similar story. Together 25 years and have a wonderful young son, sure, we have had some very difficult times but we were a team and a good one. I truly adored my husband and can honestly say, I am still shaken and confused by his actions.
We had been going through a rough patch but never in a million years did I think he would decide to work from home(on that fateful Monday)to inform me, he wanted to separate. I was and still am wounded, betrayed and on some days unable to go longer than 3 hours without crying!!!
We kept it quiet for a time-then we told our son(I think I did hear my heartbreak). At first my spouse had claimed there was no reason for counseling-that he’d been unhappy for years(where was I?)but when I was finally able to reason with him and let him know that this was NOT just about HIM but our son, he decided to look a little less selfish and see a counselor. Please don’t be mistaken, there is nothing un-selfish about this man, he was adamant about his need to leave immediately, regardless of the fact that Christmas was only 2 weeks away and(as per the counselor)could have a very negative impact on our child! He didn’t care, he left anyway.
What kills me inside daily, is that clearly he is a fool, a coward and cruel but yet-my goodness how I miss him so much!!!!!
I hope you all find the happiness within yourselves, the courage to make your right decision and the love you deserve. You are worth that and so much more.
Are any of you still together? What kind of help was used?
Hi, I am hopeful someone on here can help me or give me some advice.
I have been with my husband for 15 years, our whole adult life, and married for coming up 10. I thought we were happy for the most part, a few ups and downs like any couple. Recently he has been quite distant and ignores me in the house or doesn’t really listen, he isn’t ‘present’, he is often on his phone. I thought he was just really stressed out with work, he has his own company, which I also work for.
Just before Christmas we were having a minor spat about something and he popped out with he doesn’t love me anymore, we are better as just friends and he wants to separate. I was (am) devastated. After a couple of really difficult weeks, and since he has gone back to work after the Christmas break, I have noticed some changes in his behaviour and not just to do with me. We have no choice but to still live together for the time being. He has taken the odd hour or half day off work for things like hair cuts or ‘having a lie in’, he was exhausted at the weekend and also had a day off work ‘ill’ saying he was sick but didn’t appear to be to me. He also went out with a close friend the other week and left him for me to come and pick up (they don’t live locally to us so didn’t know his way around!). He went away for a weekend and came back Monday morning instead of Sunday evening despite having work to go to. These might sound trivial but he has never done anything like that before and has always worked so hard, I’ve been trying to get him to take time out from work for ages and he’s always too busy!
For the first time this year we have been able to afford two holidays in April and October, both of which I felt we were very happy. During the October holiday he was two weeks post shoulder operation so was still in a sling and not 100% mobile so that caused some difficulties but we managed to have a lovely holiday still.
We have been to see a counsellor which he only agreed to on my request and for ‘my benefit’ because i couldn’t understand how he could switch off his feelings after so long. He has said there is no way he wants to even try again with me, despite this being the first he has mentioned to me about it. I found the counsellor really useful as we were both still quite raw and couldn’t talk without arguing about it, however he is still adamant he won’t change his mind.
He doesn’t seem phased at all by what is going on and is acting like everything is fine for the most part and he thinks that we will be able to stay friends after all of this. He is saying he wants to divide the assets but is not being realistic about this either and when pressed by a friend could only come up with ‘I don’t know’ or he just won’t talk about it at all.
I am desperately seeking some help, I don’t know whether he is showing signs of depression and trying to oust me from his life is a way of coping, or whether he actually just does want me out of his life. I am worried sick and at my wits end, even if after all of this he actually doesn’t want me, I still care deeply for him and want him to be ok!
Please help!
My husband left on December 16 3 days before my 50th birthday he snapped and now says he doesn’t love me and has got his one apartment and won’t talk to me at all. He has started picking up his things I am so hurt I can’t even imagine talking to him or seeing him it just hurts to much. He had been going to therapy and was taking meds but then the holidays came and he lost it. He won’t talk to me nd our son and hasn’t for 5 weeks, he’s talking to his daughter only and is telling her he doesn’t love me, this is a pattern I learned while I went to therapy with him when he’s hurt he pushes the people he loves away. I realize how awful it has been with how mean he could be but I’m lost without him he was my best friend and husband and I have loved him since we were 12 I just can’t deal with all of this and my poor son, depression has truly impacted my life and I do believe it will be the end of our marriage
Gill,
I feel your pain. I am going through almost the exact same thing. Your story is so similar to mine. My husband and I have been together 12 years and would be married for 10 years this summer. We had an amazing marriage, or so I thought. He use to tell me how much he loved our life together, how blessed we are and how I am his best friend that he loves waking up to everyday. We rarely argued, enjoyed spending time together and did a lot together. Then last January, he sat me down and said he hasnt been happy the last 1.5 years to 3 ? And from last January on, after the “talk”, he was a different man. Distant, withdrawn, didn’t want to do anything with me anymore. No weekends away, no vacations, all our daily things we did together he wanted to do alone.
I accused him of having an affair..because so many of his actions/decisions were not reflective of him. He was on his phone non stop, from morning till night. Totally disengaged from me.This continued till this past July when he said, after being disengaged and withdrawn for months, that he didn’t think he wanted this marriage. I got angry and told him if he didn’t want to be here than leave. Well, I left for a bit to cool off and when I came home, he was gone. Didn’t hear from him for days. Wouldn’t text or take my call and somehow got a short term apartment?? I begged and pleaded for weeks, and he did come back home in August, only to leave again the beginning of December.
He has been gone 2 months and says he is suffering from depression, which he is getting help for, and has to deal with his mental health and doesn’t know if he wants this marriage. Right now, he says he is not invested and refuses to go to marriage concealing…I have been asking for over 6 months. He says he needs to take care of himself and this marriage may have contributed to his depression. Apparently I have done all these things to make him unhappy (didn’t realize it) and our marriage coming to an end is all my fault. He has listed so many things I have done to “make him unhappy with this marriage”. I am so confused…we had this awesome marriage…he always said how happy he was and then, the last year he slowly spiralled downhill and now he has left and blamed me for our marriage failing. I am filled with guilt as I can understand some of his reasons for being unhappy …but nothing I feel is drastic enough to leave your wife and your life together??? Our friends use to say we were the perfect couple and how much they admired us…yet, I didn’t know he was going to leave me for things that are easily repairable and shouldn’t be a deal breaker. He says the “damage is done”. He keeps telling me he needs his space.
I am now done bargaining, pleading for him to come home and try to work on our marriage. He doesn’t like to speak to me on the phone, will only text to communicate and said he is willing to see me once a week to see if he has anything left for me. Yet, when I asked him to come home for dinner this weekend, he said no. This has been killing me….and has been going on for a year. I am now giving him his space. I know I can’t change his mind and the writing is on the wall. I have wondered the same thing..is he trying to oust me as a way of coping with depression or if he really wants me out. I feel he may want out and is waiting till he is strong enough to do it…or keeps pushing me until I do it.
Regardless, I want you to know that you are not alone. I really do feel your pain. I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to go through this. I don’t know if my husband is suffering from depression or a mid life crisis? What I do know is that he has told me on many occasions he is done with this marriage and wants to be friends. I cant do that. I know I have to move forward and be the best person I can be. Don’t get me wrong, I cry everyday and am filled with guilt for not doing this, or thinking I should have done that. I’m in therapy to help me with all of this and hopefully help me deal with the feelings of regret and guilt. Please know you are not alone…even though it may feel like it. I know how devastating this is. I have lost my best friend, my partner, husband, and the future I thought I had. I feel like I have lost everything. All I can say is try to stay strong…and know there are others out there, like me, trying to figure this out as well. I wish you all the best.
LR
I forgot to mention that he also told me he has fallen out of love with me. That he doesn’t have what he use to have for me. Breaks my heart.
Hi, thank you so much for your message of support. I’m so sorry to hear about everything you are going through too, it really is heartbreaking and such a horrible thing to have to go through.
I’m really struggling with the second guessing of everything and not knowing what is going to happen. My husband has said he is still adamant he want some to split but hasn’t yet got in touch with a solicitor or made any moves towards splitting, and I won’t do it because it isn’t what I want.
We had another counselling session last night and i thought it was quite positive, and he has agreed to come to more, despite being really negative before we went in. It’s just so confusing and I have no idea what to think or what to do about any of it. During the counselling session he was asked about work and once he started talking about it there she went on for ages and all I could think was how stressful it has been and I was hoping the counsellor was thinking the same thing, I just don’t know if he does eventually realise whether or not it would make a difference to him leaving. I feel like I’m just in limbo waiting for him to make all the moves.
I think it sounds the same with your husband, they don’t realise how hurtful they are being to us, whether they want to leave or not I feel like they owe to us after all this time to at least be kind.
Anyway, thanks for your message I really appreciate the support because this does feel like a very lonely time. I really hope you can get some answers soon and have some peace with it.
Gill xx
This all rings so true for me too.
I was with my fiance for over 11 years and we have a young son together.
We had our ups and downs just like every couple does but 3 years ago things started to change. 2 major things in his life hsppened: his brother got married, he asked him to buy(not hire) a full suit, shoes etc for the wedding. Unfortunately at the time he just couldn’t afford it and things were awkward between them. He had always been do close to his brother but this put a strain on their relationship and his brother rarely answered his calls or texts straight away, this obviously upset him. He was also asked to be best man at the wedding which he was proud to do, but a few short weeks before the wedding he had a call to tell him there wasn’t going to be s best man anymore, he was obviously really hurt and upset by this and it clearly affected him. As it turns out, at the wedding there was a best man it was the wife’s brother. A huge kick in the teeth and my heart broke from him as I could see how much it really hurt him. I held his hand under the table throughout the speeches. I know how hurt I would have felt at that point too.
This situation was bad enough but was then compounded by the fact his father became really ill and very nearly died. He was incredibly sick for a long time but managed to have a transplant and survive. So 2 very very emotional traumatic experiences for him to deal with. I was there for him every step of the way and supported him throughout.
Then he changed started, he became quiet, miserable, withdrawn, snappy etc etc. He works shifts and stupidly long hours so he was tired to the point of being so exhausted one day he threw up and collapsed. I kept pointing out what was happening to him, overwork, exhaustion, still being upset by his brother and dad. But no, that was all fine. He was ok.
He became more and more sad and miserable until one day he was meant to be picking our son up from school, he apparently started sobbing in his car so much then he drove (slowly) into a hedge. He was in bits, he was sobbing on the phone, he didn’t know what was going out on.
I encouraged him to see someone which he still didn’t do for ages. He started pushing me away, he’d be horrible to me, no love or affection no hugs and if there were they would be cold and hollow. I felt so hurt and sad and unloved. All I’d ever done was try to help him and show him unloved and cared for him.
At the start of last year 2017, he said he was sitting at home feeling miserable with his life, work, home, gym, playing on the PS4, that’s all he did and he wanted more (that’s perfectly ok to feel that). He’s always played guitar, the opportunity to audition for a local band came up, he went, he got it, that was great. He was still depressed however. He did go to the docs who sent him to the “wellbeing clinic” he went there twice, he said, he didn’t tick all the boxes to top himself so they didn’t need to see him again! That’s what he says anyway! He continued throwing himself into the band and spending more and more time isolating himself, headphones one practicing the songs, the depression was still there though. He finally went to the docs and was put on citalopram (what I’ve read up n that I now wish he’d never ever been given) he felt after a few weeks it wasn’t working so went on a higher dose. He continued isolating himself with his bass guitar practice. Pushing me further and further away, rejecting all my advances both emotionally and sexually. I felt so hurt and lonely and sad. He was so cold towards me. But he upped his game with the band, he was always on his phone or laptop texting them, ‘its band stuff, it’s band related’ etc. I became an annoyance to him, an irritation.
We always used to go to gigs/concerts together it was our thing. But suddenly I wasn’t invited, he’d say he’d got tickets to see someone but would go with his new band best friend and not me. I felt even more hurt and rejected. It also made me paranoid that there might be someone else as he sure as hell wasn’t being nice or loving to me anymore. My paranoia obviously pushed him away even more. I just wanted to be noticed have as much time spent on me as he was the band. Just to have him with me and not on his phone to them would have been nice. I felt like when he was with me he had to message them and be in contact with them, but when he was with them I got nothing.very much out of sight out of mind, it made me so sad and miserable too.
His meds kicked in, he became numb, felt absolutely nothing. He was dead, cold, no feelings, just nothing. I read more about his meds and shared my knowledge with him and said he needed to come off them (properly) . It’s known as the divorce drug. He agreed. However the band continued to become the priority in his life and I came bottom of the list even our son noticed a big change with him. He used to say ” mommy, when daddy’s like that with you, you should just keep away then you won’t get upset”. How sad is that?
His band started to get gigs, everyone was always invited but me, he didn’t want to feel obliged to have to spend any time with me after a gig, he wanted to be able to enjoy himself with the band and not have to worry about me. I felt like he was embarrassed to be seen with me, that I cramped his style. It hurt and continued to impact my paranoia that he was up to something or seeing someone else. But I continued to help him through his depression. I wanted the man I met back again so much, I’d have walked over hot coals to do it.
In august last year he turned around and said he loved me but didn’t want to be with me. I was devastated, I cried for 3 days and couldn’t eat. We picked up a bit after that but I always felt like I was treading on eggshells. He completely came off his meds cold turkey the 3 weeks later imploded so went back n them (none of this helped him) eventually he decided it was time to lower his dose (without going to the docs) he cut all his tablets in half, because he knows best of course. I asked him to go to he docs, see a councillor, start CBT but he knew best and wouldn’t. The rejecting me continued, the coldness towards me continued, the throwing himself into the band continued. I wondered if I even existed some days. As he came off the meds he said he was starting to feel a little more again, he said he did love me and he wanted it to work, I had to bare with him and I did. I however became ill through all the stress, the Lies he’d started to tell me about where he was or who he was with, he’d never invite me out, he made me feel like I was cramping his style at a gig. He was getting lots of female attention to which made me feel worse. I felt like the band didn’t like me, he even used me (in a negative way) as reasons why he’d double booked himself. We had a weekend away booked at Christmas with HIS friends, he’d clearly forgot and said he’d go to an important rehearsal. When he realised he said we’d had a weekend away booked that he’d cancelled due to “events” but that I’d persuaded him to go again. Total Lies and that really upset me to know. Was now being made to be he bad person when I wasn’t. Again this added to my paranoia, which didn’t help him I know as I started to question where he was and who he was with. He’d made me that way with his actions but I still stood by him and tried to help him through his depression. Christmas came and went, it didn’t feel the same, NYE he played a gig, he didn’t want me to go, then eventually he did. He was I’ve to me, it was lovely I felt special again, loved, wanted. We had a great first week of 2018, I thought it was changing. I went away with he girls for a relaxing cottage in the middle of nowhere weekend last weekend. Been planned for months. While I was away I just sensed something wasn’t right. I came home, he didn’t say hello he ignored me completely. I went into the kitchen and asked him what was wrong, he turned round and said he didn’t love me anymore, he had no feelings for me like that whatsoever. I died right there and then my world, my family everything gone just like that. He said he cared for me as I’m the mother of his child but he felt nothing. Yet the previous day’s/weeks he was sending me messages saying he loved me, to bare with him he was starting to feel again, he wanted it to work.
Now, within 2 days of moving out he’s got somewhere else to live. He’s adamant he feels absolutely nothing for like that, he looks at me and feels nothing. He cares that is all. I’m devastated. My heart is broken. I’ve spent 3 years trying to help him get better, 3 years suffering myself with rejection and being shouted at, pushed away, being treated second best to he band. It’s made me ill, paranoid etc etc. But I was willing to go through that to keep my family together. He says he feels relieved he’s left, he has clarity now, his head is clear finally and he knows he doesn’t love me. He’s doing me a favour apparently as he wasn’t making me happy, no he wasn’t but I loved him with all my heart regardless and was willing to do whatever it took to keep my little family together. It’s been a week today, I’ve lost half a stone in weight, I’m devastated, so so sad and lonely, the daily tears still flow and yet he can stand as calmly as I’ve EVER seen him and say he’s fine, he’s happy with his decision. He’s still coming off his meds, he’s still not fine I don’t care what he says. His brain chemistry has changed and may never be the same again. He says his is him now and that’s that. It isn’t, I’ve known him 11 years, this isn’t him. But I’m not sure that man even exists anymore. I hope and pray me day he wakes up and thinks ” what the hell did I throw away”.
That’s my story, and clearly it continues to unfold. The life I’d wanted is gone, the man I wanted to grow old with is gone, I need to find a way to live with a decision that’s not mine.
Life’s sucks and depression is a massive bitch that destroys lives and families. Cherish your loved ones X
I really feel for you as I have the same here. What you are saying is exactly what I a going through with my partner of 6 years, the only difference is he hasn’t left yet…I have the feeling he will though. I am crying everyday too…..as he is not the person I first met and fell in love with and I know it is not his fault. The meds he is on are making him numb, he has no compassion at all. He doesn’t want to do anything and anytime I suggest a walk or something he just says – I don’t feel like it. He watches tv 24-7 if he is not working, he wants no social life. If I even tried to suggest he change meds or re visit the doctor he will get so agro and start a fight…. he saying I am trying to control him…there is a big difference between control and care. Sadly this is really starting to taking a toll on me and I just don’t know how to cope. My head says get out of this relationship cause he doesn’t want to help himself and my heart says stick with him, there is always hope cause I love him so much and don’t want to lose him. My head is spinning….. I do realise there are so many people out there living this same life… in one way it comforts me that others are experiencing the same thing as I know that it is the depression talking and not him but in another way it makes me sad that so many people are experiencing this kind of life….. depression is a horrible illness…. three quarters of what you said Donna is my life entirely too….. Where are you at now? I hope things have gotten better for you. Stay strong….I know how hard it is to do that but try…. I feel for you and I hear you….
Dear Sue,
Thanks for your response. There wasn’t a reply button under you comment so I hope you see this.
I’m 2 weeks down the line from him walking out.
He found a new house in days, moved the majority of his belongings out within the week. I let him see our son regularly, it broke my heart to tell him daddy won’t be coming home to live with us as hes made it very clear he doesn’t love me anymore.
He has said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t have any feelings for me and is now happier than he’s been in a long time. All of those words have crucified me as I still love him dearly.
He’s thrown himself into a vast social life, the band, nights out, working lots of overtime. He has yet to be truely on his own however.
My last remaining hope is that when he’s in his new house and he’s been on his own a few days, the social life and band frenzy have quietened down and he hasn’t seen our son for a few days either, it will hit him like a ton of bricks as to what he’s thrown away.
He said he/we hadn’t been happy for years. Not true he had been depressed for a long time and never dealt with the triggers for his depression but over time his view became twisted and obviously it was turned towards me. You hurt the ones closest to you.
As it stands I feel broken, hurt, devastated, alone (even though I’m surrounded by amazing friends) the pain I feel at him going is like I have a massive hole inside me that I just cannot fill. I’m sure one day it will become less painful but at the moment it feels like a bereavement.
I’d love to say there’s a happy ending to my story but currently there is not. I will always hope things will change but only time will tell.
My love goes out to all those ladies and men in my position. X stay strong x
Hi Donna, yes I got your last message. There wasn’t a reply button under yours either! lol So I have replied under your original one. Hope you get this.
Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear that things are not good at your end.
I hear what you are saying as they do do this…. I don’t want to and I am not giving you false hope but reading through all this and reason why depressed men leave relationships I suppose in a way does give hope…maybe time will heal. Maybe he will realise what he has lost. I had to return overseas to my family as my Dad’s dying and he was horrible to me before I left…..left me hanging as to whether he would be here when I got back, didn’t love me etc… I was beside myself when I left. How unfair and insensitive can someone be in a time like this. The time apart was good for us. It was about 5 weeks. When I got back he met me at the airport and he was the old person that I had originally fallen in love with. It was so comforting and it was so nice to come home to. With sad times in life and when life throws you curve balls he just can not cope. So needless to say we have had plenty of up and downs (more downs) a couple of months after I got back. It seems to be a cycle….. The question is can I continue to live like this? I know I deserve better, I also know it is the depression talking but it is really bringing me down. I am not coping at the moment and I just want to cry all the time. He can get controlling and angry over little little things…..I am walking on egg shells. I guess I have to reevaluate my life and my health…..I love him so much but I just can not continue like this…..I will end up suffering depression and health issues if I do. If he would see a councillor that would be different but there is no way he will. I have tried that. That just makes him more angry and closed door. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. 🙁 Well, I hope Donna that do get some truthful answers for you and your son…..it is always even harder when there are children involved…..
Sometimes the meds they are on are the cause of worse depression, in my partners case I think this is the case. But again I can not suggest he change meds or doctors as he classes that as me being controlling, not caring but controlling.
Good luck and I really do hope you are ok. I hear and feel everything you are saying….only too well. Big hugs. Keep in touch. 🙂 I am here whenever you want to chat. Its 8:10pm as I write this…..I am going to enjoy the sun before it goes completely down for the night.
Hi again Sue,
Well it’s been 3 weeks today he left me and he moves into his new house tomorrow.
I came home from work one day and the art work we had on the wall downstairs had gone, another night I came back the TV had gone, replaced by a small TV with atrocious sound! I have my house keys back now mind you.
It’s like our 11 years together never happened or that they even meant anything.
I’ve lost a lot of weight due to all the stress and sadness I feel. The money issues worry me, running the house on my own, he doesn’t intend to go above and beyond the basic maintenance for our son (even though he earns more than his basic wage consistently) and earns more than me.
He reiterates he doesn’t love me, doesn’t feel anything at all for me and will never be with me again. He’s moved on at 3000 miles an hour. Some days I feel like my head is spinning! The man I wanted to grow old with has literally flicked a switch and checked out. He’s said some horrible things to me over the last week too. He couldn’t even tell me I’m a nice person the other day, he said, hes sure my friends think I’m nice! What?!
I’ve stood by him for the last 3 years with his depression, tried my hardest to help him but I’m not a nice person? How cruel is that?
He’s off his meds now, he believes he now has complete clarity, he’s the happiest he’s been in ages, he even sleeps better! He feels relief he’s not with me. It’s like he has to be as cruel as possible towards me and I know I don’t deserve it at all. I cry a lot as it’s all so painful.
I see my son try not to get upset over it all and it breaks my heart. He’s 9, he shouldn’t be getting upset over the fact he’ll no longer have family holidays with his mom and dad, he’s already worried about Christmas, his birthday etc. The fact daddy’s not around for breakfast or bedtime. He has been seeing him but it’s not the same is it.
The only thing my “ex” misses is our son, nothing else about our life he misses. But even then he’s not (in my mind) pulling his weight. My son rings his dad at bedtime everyday. Last night he (ex) went to a concert, now knowing he probably couldn’t ring, have a signal etc I would have hoped he would have texted or rung my son earlier in the evening to make up for it. But no nothing, I had to watch the disappointment on my son’s face as he tried to ring his dad but he didn’t answer. Am I wrong in being cross and feeling let down on my son’s behalf? He sent a message to his phone last night about 10.20pm to say he had no signal, I don’t feel that’s good enough. He’s not even messaged or rung him this morning either, knowing he could talk to him. I’m so cross with him.
What has happened to the loving, thoughtful, caring man I once knew? It’s so so sad. I’ve lost him, he’s gone and for me I believe now after these 3 weeks he’s gone for good I’m never getting the man I love back. He’s even said himself the depression and meds have changed him, he’s a different person now and sees things differently.
I hope other people’s stories on here have much happier endings, I truely do. We all, every one of us, deserve to be happy and loved. X
Hey Donna,
I hope you and your son are ok and got my last message…
Take care Sue
Hi Sue,
Thank you for all your lovely thoughtful messages.
Well it’s been 5 weeks already, can you believe it.
He’s moved in fully to his new house, he seems happier than ever, which he likes to tell me. He’s super calm about the whole situation like he’s not remotely affected by it all. I know the doctor kept him on 10mg of his medication as he told them he had left me. It kind of annoys me as by the time he comes off his meds the worst of the pain and heartache will be over and he’ll never have really felt any of it or be able to appreciate the pain he’s caused. I want him to feel the pain I’ve been in.
I’ve had to sort days when my son can go and see him(he had his first overnight at his dad’s last night) that kills me because through no fault of my own I now miss out on chunks of my Child’s life so that he can see his dad. I feel like I’m being punished for something I’ve not even done.
He has said over the weeks, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, he wants to be on his own however I have since found out he’s started using Tinder, his profile says he treats people how he’d like to be treated (he didn’t treat me very nicely all last year) . It mentions nothing of him being a father, he just talks about him being in a band. One of his pictures is cropped from a photo of the 3 of us just before Christmas. That hurt my feelings a lot. For someone who doesn’t want a relationship he’s got a funny way of going about it.
It seems I’m better off without him now. I don’t recognise the man he’s become. So sad.
Thanks again for your messages. X
Donna,
I am so so sorry to read about your situation. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. We build a home with a person and we depend on them for stability and comfort and we know them- but depression can change people in ways we never thought- and then their a different person.
I posted yesterday and also responded to Sue who has replied on this thread and i so deeply wish I had the magic words to say to fix it. People who never really experience this have no idea of the magnitude of pain- but I have had a taste both in a previous relationship and my current situation that makes me want so desperately to find something to ease the fear and sadness for myself and for those of you here who hurt so badly.
really feel for you all! it is a terrible and horrible way to live. depressed or not people have the knowledge to know how they are treating partners/people
Hi again Donna
I am so sorry to hear all this…..it is very very sad…
It is awful that he can just ‘flick a switch’ and completely turn off all that he has had for so long. Your future together, your son, love and support……
I have found that this is what a lot of depressed people do though… It is so hard for them to show emotion and it takes so much out of them that they just can’t share anything with anyone, it is all about themselves. People have told me what a selfish disease depression is….as they think about themselves and only themselves…..they can’t get past thinking of anyone else, they don’t have the energy to do so…. I am starting to believe what a lot of friends are telling me as it is starting to shine through…
The going to the house and taking things for himself with you not being there is another way they deal with it. They can’t deal with confrontation and they don’t want to see how hurt the people that love them are. They just can’t deal with it. So they run from it….
I hear you about the money issues too. This is always hard especially when there is a child involved. I hope he turns around with what he should do morally for you and your son. I ended up having to get two jobs when this happened to me with my first partner.
Him telling you over and over again how he doesn’t love you is a coping mechanism. He is convincing himself that you are better off without him. He doesn’t make you happy when he is down in the depression mode. He can’t fulfil you or your relationship…
Never doubt yourself worth. You sound like an amazing person. You are a nice person. You have stood by him, supported him in many ways and have loved him. You didn’t give up on him, he gave up on you and the marriage. Remember that. This is totally out of your control. Something I am sure he will regret one day. Unfortunately it will be too late when he realises it. You and your son deserve love and happiness. Get yourself back on your feet and love your son….be there for him as he will need extra love and cuddles. But don’t forget that you too deserve to be loved and happy. So when you are ready to move on, you do so. Don’t give it a second thought. Your husband has made it clear by moving out and telling you over and over that it is finished. So don’t feel guilty that you move on. Don’t hold a torch for him…
Going off his meds is good and bad. He may have been on the wrong meds. Some meds actually cause people to become numb…no emotion, no compassion etc…. However, if they are suffering depression they need meds, they just need to source out the right ones. This takes time. Trying different ones and persevering, Then once they have the right meds, they have to get the right dose. This again takes time. But if they are not willing to take the time and make the commitment to getting better, you can’t do it for them.
Unfortunately for your son, things will change in the family life. But your son has an awesome Mum that loves him and will always be there for him. That, you can reassure your son of. Where and when Dad wants to see him then that will happen. Keep. the door open for your son to see his father, sounds like you are already doing this as hard as it is. You would feel that he doesn’t deserve to see his son but….at the end of the day he is his father. Hopefully he will step up to the mark. It may take time but your son will know what you did for him and realise you did everything possible for them to have a relationship. You can’t force your husband nor should you make excuses for him if he doesn’t phone or turn up. Just be there for your son if this happens.
You are not wrong being cross and feeling let down by his behaviour. This would truly hurt your son and no mother wants to see their children hurting and you do everything in your power to protect. Again, just be there for your son when this happens….
It sounds like the man you love that was thoughtful and caring has gone…..mentally and physically…..be strong for yourself and your son. You will, one day find love again and be happy. All in time….
Go out with friends, do things you love doing. Be kind to yourself. You will be ok. There is someone out there wants the same as you do.
I am so sorry this has been so bad for you. I totally hear you and feel I am living almost the same as what you have been. My partner is still here physically but not mentally. That is hard, almost harder as I have to see him everyday. But I am not able to hug him as he doesn’t want hugs etc….rarely wants to talk. When home he is either watching TV or playing cards on his computer or sleeping on the lounge. Another sign of depression……a lot of sleeping, especially when things get tough or complicated…..
You are so right. we all, every one of us, deserve to be happy and loved.
Take care and please keep in touch. Let me know how you are going. If I can give any advice I will. I have been though it once and now again with this partner. So I hear you and feel for you. Big hugs to you and your son. Smile as much as you can. Look for the positive….hold your head high, you did what you could do and more….he just didn’t want it. xx
I am so sorry for all you are going through. My story
Is almost a mirror of yours except my husband is having an affair! The way I found out has been nothing but lies and deceit. He is 46 and the new woman is 60! His words to me were I love you BUT I am not in love with you. All emotions and our relationship was exactly like yours. It is a terribly confusing and heartbreaking time. I wish you strength and happy to stay in touch
I am so sorry to read this. I hope you are ok…..
Please keep in touch.
I wish you strength as well and I hope things have worked out for you.
I am happy to keep in touch.
It’s a bit hard on here as there is not always a reply button….and I don’t alway know when someone has posted.
You take care and be sure to look after yourself. Hugs….thinking of you and hoping you are ok.
I hear you…I am going though all this as well….. It has been going on for years. I want to make it work but I don’t know f it can. It takes two people to make a relationship and I feel I am the only one in it at the moment. The ‘rollercoaster’ ride is awful….and very heartbreaking. I hate seeing someone I love and care so much about hurt. I hate being treated this way. My partner is suffering depression and is on meds but they don’t seem to be helping at all. Unfortunately in life we have some bad times and when these times happen everything goes pear shaped. When he is on a high life is so good. Of late, the highs are few an far between. I am a person that needs cuddles but he is one that will give them when he is able to. Which of late is not very often….actually in the last couple of days, not at all. I don’t know what to do anymore either. Is there a Male out there. reading these posts that may be able to give some advise on what we should do with our partners to help them and not push them away? I hate the silent treatment and I hate walking on eggshells as I don’t know how he will respond to things. He doesn’t communicate at all. So of late I never know what he is feeling. He is going through a really horrible time right now with sickness in the family and it is very stressful on him and on me. I want to help support him with his family situation but he tells me he doesn’t want my help. Whenever I try to chat with him, ask how he is feeling or share how I am feeling he either doesn’t look at me or he looks at me but never says anything in response. Then within 5 minutes he is a sleep on the lounge…. I know females think differently and do things differently, that is why I was wondering what a males perspective on this would be….. I don’t want to lose him…..
OMG I read this and it is a mirror of my experience! Everything! My husband left the week before Xmas too and said and did everything yours has. I can’t believe how similar. He left me with our 6 month old baby. Our first child too. I’m in the same boat as you. Just yesterday I’ve started listing all our furniture etc to prepare to move in with my parents because he is behaving selfishly and spending money on himself and bullshit Instead of supporting his baby. I’m lost for words. All I know is you can’t help them if they can help themselves.
This sounds just like what my longtime boyfriend of six years just did to me. We had just had a breakthrough with understanding his depression. He was crying in my arms, sobbing. Wanted to know who he was and what he felt. He knew he loved me and told me so. But there was a part of him that yearned to leave. Like life would be so different away from me, our apartment, with a new person.
But the conversation ended with him thanking me for loving and putting up with this, with both of us crying and saying we loved each other, and me saying I would always be there for him. And that he needed to start therapy. We then made love, cuddled, and talked more about his depression and ways to recognize his symptoms and what to do.
The next week, he wouldn’t touch me. No sex, no accidental brush in bed sleeping, no hugs or kisses good morning or night. He then sat me down and told me he needed to leave. He didn’t want any of this with me any more. He wanted to leave, to get therapy and see a psychiatrist, to be at his parents’ house for a break. That he needed space. He couldn’t be around me and see how much pain he was causing me. Couldn’t handle the guilt of wanting to take care of me but not actually caring enough about me to do it. I was on his mind every day, a weighted guilt. My hurt was plagueing him.
I cried in shock, and I tried to protest a little. The more supportive I acted and the more loving I tried to be the more he had seemingly made his mind up. He seemed so empty, so distant…like he was a different person. I tried to make him recall our memories and our love. It fell on deaf ears. He remembered all of it and wanted none of it. He told me I would be happier without him. That I could do better. I should date someone else, be happy without him.
I finally conceded and and told him it would be healthy for us to have some space. He said he would be back on Saturday to get more of his things. He asked for a hug before he left, and he told me he wanted me to be happy. I shook my head, kissed him on the head (which must have made him feel even more guilty, now that I think about it) and told him I wanted HIM to be happy. To get better. And that was it.
I’ve been alone in this apartment ever since. I’m trying to stay postive and take care of myself. Sleeping alone with his space empty was agonizing. Seeing all of our decorations we shopped for and his stuff breaks my heart. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to stay and continue to hurt me.
I’m just trying to cope, to hope he IS getting treatment. I hope his thoughts clear up…I miss him.
This is very similar to myself i went through this ladt year. He returned now hes been gone again a week. The deserting me is the worst feeling. Your welcome to get my email if you need to chat to someone. X
My boyfriend of 8 years ended our relationship 6 weeks ago due to depression caused by issues in his family. We spoke 3 weeks ago and he said he will start counselling and we might be able to get back together if he feels better. He had always said our relationship was the best part of his life and seemed to be able to separate our relationship from the family issues. I guess they got too much because he became very withdrawn and then broke up with me. He wants space to do his counselling and said if I were to contact him he would just feel pressure to get back together so at this stage we aren’t in contact. I miss him very much.
My husband of almost 4 years is a truck driver so he’s away from home for weeks sometimes months at a time. A friend of his has recently passed away, his birthday is in 5 days and he calls me to inform me that he no longer wants to married. He’s going back to his old ways of where he wants to be alone. I asked him what was wrong, his response,” I just have so much on my mind.” I asked him if I needed to put on job on hold for awhile and get back on the truck with him, he says, no, I don’t even want my kids (21 & 20 year olds) on the truck. I just want to be alone. We just recently signed a two year lease on a house and he told his sister that he regrets signing it. When he spoke with me he told me that our finances are no longer there but he told his sister that he could afford the house payment. From my understanding from what he has said to me is that he needs to work on himself, alone. We cannot afford the lifestyle that he has me accustomed too, but he’s telling his sister that he can afford it but in so many words not saying that he just does not want me in the picture (this last part was not said but that’s what I’m thinking). He keeps telling me that I have been the perfect wife throughout our marriage but he thinks that he jumped into it too soon. The last thing that he said to me was, “you’re not taking me serious.” I told him that I am taking him serious. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say anything to force him out the door nor make him stay and be miserable. Please help me. I love this man with all my heart.
After my husband announced he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore I was in complete shock.He had always had issues with depression and anger but together I never thought our issues were bad enough to divorce.I mean he has always had a hard time communicating.He blames himself when things go wrong.He has zero family support from his parents or siblings. So after this announcement I searched and searched the internet for an explanation.After stumbling upon these articles I have hit the nail on the head.My husband and I are still together,he is currently in individual counseling.I want to do marriage counseling but his therapist said he isn’t ready.I am trying to be patient but it’s not easy.I can’t help but think he will just do the same thing again.I made Alot of changes to try to please him but honestly it just made me unhappy and didn’t help so I am not in that mindset anymore. I have to take care of myself.
I am so happy I found this site. My significant other and I are retired…a nice way of saying a little older. We reunited after many years at a class reunion and began seeing each other. Almost 3 years now. We do not live together but see each several times a week and talk every day. I should mention that on our first date he was really upfront explaining he had suffered from depression in the past but was on medication
That kept the depression under control. Twice during our relationship he said he had to END things but within several days came back and it was like we never skipped a beat. Fast forward to four months ago. By this time we love each other, love being together, vacation together and know each other’s family well. Out of the blue I get a call saying he cannot see me any longer. He repeated the phrase I CAN’T DO THIS, mentioned depression and hung up on me. He sounded so upset and sad. I was devastated to say nothing of confused. I wanted to go to him but opted to begin learning about depression. That’s when I learned i am not alone. There is a mountain of information on line but none more knowledgeable and helpful than this. I love this man so much. I still cry a lot and think of him 24/7. I have texted him several times and sent a few letters. One invitation inviting him to meet me was answered with a simple NO. I can’t give up on him. I want our happy life back. He used to say I was the best thing to happen to him and we had just got along so well. I ‘m assuming he is like many of the partners I am reading about and feel comforted to know my situation isn’t unique. I will continue reading and would love if anyone wants to share info or advice. Thanks.
is your partner married? why don’t you just go to his home and not let him know you are turning up
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years has been going through a depressive episode for about two weeks. We got into a fight about how much he had been working and after that he started slipping into depression. He’s sleep was off, he wouldn’t be affectionate, he didn’t want to talk, he stayed on his phone, etc.
He has had depression a long time. In high school he started to get suicidal and went to a hospital them therapy. He has dealt with depression ever since.
I try to be as supportive as possible but it’s hard. He doesn’t say I love you back and plans the fight on me and the depression on that fight. He went out last night wanting to be alone and ended up making out with some girl. He said he stopped it because he thought of me and is sorry. But he is still depressed and not feeling anything. I want to work on things because I think he cheated because he was feeling worthless and numb and wanted to feel something different. It doesn’t make it ok but I love him. But idk if I’m just being delusional.
Your story sounds very familiar. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing except mine left again…
get out of the relationship he isn’t depressed he is okay! he just had sex with someone but not with you