The longing to leave one’s intimate partner brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss.
My experience with this phase of illness occurred when I had only limited awareness of the hold depression had on me. That may be a key to understanding the dynamic and how to respond to someone in the grip of this drive to turn life upside down. Unhappy without knowing why, I had to find an explanation, and the easiest way to do that was to look outward. I could only see my present life, my wife, my work as holding me back, frustrating my deepest desires. In effect, I was blaming everyone but me for my misery. In that state, I could only focus on the promise of leaving, finding a new mate, new work, new everything.
Every suggestion my wife might make that there was something wrong with me only brought the angriest denial. Every time she said how much she loved me only felt like a demand that I stay stuck in this unfulfilling life and do what she wanted me to do. I knew so clearly that I was not the problem, certainly not sick but for the first time on the verge of escaping into the exciting life I should have been living all along.
There is something very close to the power of addiction in the fantasy of escape. I found it almost impossible to see through the dreams of a new life. It meant so much – my survival as a person seemed to be at stake. Unaware of the full effect of depression, blocking out what my wife and others were trying to tell me, I inflicted a lot of pain on my family, thinking that I had to be brutally honest in order to save myself. Fortunately, as I noted in the last post on this subject, I had been through enough work in therapy to have glimmers of the truth, and that helped me step back from the brink.
I’m not big on offering advice, but the potentially devastating impacts of depressed people on those closest to them leads me to go a bit beyond just reflecting on what I’ve been through.
If you’re trying to deal with the sudden transformation of an intimate partner, get help, starting with friends and family. You’ve likely felt such a deep assault and wound that it would be easy to get lost in the sheer humiliation, hurt and anger of the experience, searching for what you’ve done wrong, what you could do or say to set things right. That’s a trap set for you by the voice of depression. That voice tries to persuade you, just as it has persuaded your loved one, that it’s your fault. Not true. It’s your partner’s illness that’s at the root of it. Those closest to you and your partner have doubtless noticed something strange and may have been hurt as well by new behavior. That will remind you that you’re not alone in this.
And remember that you can’t cure someone else with your words and love. They only backfire. At most, you can help your partner gradually gain awareness. It will take the combined influence of you and many others to get a depressed person to start seeing a different explanation for what’s wrong. Only your partner can do the heavy lifting. Only your partner can experience the inner change of thought and feeling that comes with the recognition that there is an illness to be dealt with.
My husband is in a full-blown version of this exact thing!!!! He left 3 months ago. We seemed so good together, everything seemed fine, he just kept all of this inside. Says he’s been unhappy for years, trapped in a dark hole, etc. He claimed he’d been depressed for a long time. Change his appearance, his job, his friends, his musical tasted, hobbies, and now me. He started seeing another woman immediately (had had an emotional affair while we were together). I know there’s nothing I can say or do but any advice? How to react to his his shitty behavior? How to just be towards him? How to be supportive without damaging myself? I still love my husband so much.
Hi John….I am not feeling comfortable leaving my post up on your wall any more as I have others referred to your group now ….# 22 …could you please remove it? I would appreciate it 🙂
Thanks Happi
Wow, this blog post really hit close to home! Thank you so, so much. So glad to have stumbled upon it. I can relate to everything said, and many of the comments on here I can relate to as well.
I hope to see more writings like this in the future, because this is one aspect of depression that isn’t talked about nearly enough.
I am so glad to know I am not alone, and it is comforting to know that others out there experience what I do. In my worst moments of paranoia, anxiety, and depression I want to up and leave my guy and am convinced he doesn’t love me anymore…but once I’ve come back to reality, I see just how great he is and how I would be devestated if we parted ways. I don’t want my depression to ruin the greatest relationship I have ever been in, and will continue to fight it.
Hi, Olivia –
Good for you on getting the better of that urge to leave. There’s a moving segment on this in the PBS documentary The Misunderstood Epidemic. A woman discusses this same belief and how she almost left her family because of her depressed thinking and desperate need to find a way out of the illness.
Thanks for your comment –
John
Hi, Happi –
From all these great self-learning experiences, it’s probably the last one that resonates with me the most. Until a few years before I was married – my first 25 years – I was in your friend’s shoes. It wasn’t just one person, though. Every time I thought I was falling in love, I was creating an image that had nothing to do with that person. While obsessed with that fantasy woman, I never got to know the real human being. Naturally, relationships couldn’t last on that basis. You’re fortunate – and have clearly worked very hard – to be able to recognize and learn so much from these key experiences.
Thank you for telling all this here. My best to you!
John
John,
I’ve been searching for something like this for some time now. I have mixed up feeling regarding my wife of ten years. One minute I think I do not love her anymore and our marriage is causing my depression. Then on the other hand I believe its my depression causing the problems in the marriage. I have been diagnosed with depression, placed on meds and been to a counselor. Divorce would probably make things much worse but I’m just so confused. My wife in her defense is a good woman.
Hi, Rob –
I well understand that confusion of feelings since I went through a long period in the same state. I decided that trying to make a huge decision like leaving when I was so mixed up wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t trust my judgment and became skeptical of the fantasies of starting a new life. My wife and I finally reconnected in a big way – took a lot of work for both of us.
I’d suggest putting a lot into counseling, maybe trying couples therapy too. I hope this works out for the best.
John
John,
I would really value your insight and help as I am having increasing difficulty dealing with my hurt, despair and overwhelming grief.
I wrote to you on the “Talking to depression” thread on June 14th @ 2.50pm and I now see that this thread (Longing to leave) is more appropriate and has more current traffic.
Can I refer you to mine (it was no 12) mentioned above and ask if you could find time to respond? I appreciate that mine was long and, perhaps, hard work.
I am impressed and moved by the sincerity of your writing also by your analysis and discussion of complex and painful emotions that I’ve not previously seen expressed so well, so fluently or so honestly.
Thanks
Susan
This year is our 10 year anniversary and for the last 5 years or so since our kids were born, I have been throwing away everything that made me happy b/c I thought that is the sacrifice needed as a father. Now I am living in a place I hate without any friends and supporting my wife while she is in school. This has left me completely listless and without any love for life. I am needing more in life but have no time to pursue it and feel guilty for even wanting it. She says that it is too bad that they are not enough to make me happy. I keep turning to alcohol and have recognized this before and tried to quit. problem is my wife likes to drink and since she has no problem with it, I find myself drinking with her to feel like we are doing something together. Is it a fantasy escape to long for a life with no drinking and one where the mommy is at home being mommy OR am I just trying to set everything right (as I see it). Therapy was a joke when I went (I want to work out my current issues, not childhood ones.)
Basically, she is threatening to quit school if I can’t get it together and now the added guilt is ripping me apart. I feel like I am going to lose her as soon as a ’emotionally stable’ man who likes the sparkling night life comes along. I’m just lost…
Hi, Depressed in Seattle –
I’m glad you wrote and can describe how you’re feeling – a lot of people don’t get that far in a situation like this. There are a couple of things that stand out. One is that you make it sound like you’ve passively gone along with big changes while resenting them. I say “passively” not because you haven’t taken action but because you’re responding to circumstances you haven’t initiated. I know it’s easy to do things because you think you should but not when it’s damaging to yourself. The thing about drinking is an example – a really dangerous one because of the added potential for addiction you evidently feel. You don’t have to drink with your wife – period – especially if you’re doing it to “help” the relationship. Instead, you could have a serious talk with her about why drinking could be bad for you and your need to stop. I would ask for her support either by not drinking in front of you or stopping altogether. The danger of addiction – even if it seems too minor to call it that – is too serious. I have the, perhaps mistaken, impression that you haven’t had a discussion with your wife in which you both talk freely about your needs – carefully listening to each other without blame or contradiction – and try to work out ways to help both of you. Yielding to her needs while feeling resentment doesn’t cut it. If you can’t do that together, I would seriously look at couples therapy.
It’s encouraging that you sought help from a therapist for yourself, but it sounds like you’ve dismissed it too quickly. There are many forms of therapy out there that don’t emphasize the past at all – that approach is classic and based in the psychoanalytic model that started with Freud. It does sound, though, like you’ve developed self-defeating patterns of behavior, and those almost invariably get started as survival mechanisms from early family life. That’s why a therapist would want you to look back. But other therapies don’t do that. Instead, they focus on you’re seeing whatever patterns there are in your behavior – and the way you think about your life – and work with you to change those directly, without worrying about where they came from.
As I say, I could be going off in the wrong direction with all this, but I hope some of it is helpful.
I wish you the best in turning this around.
John
John,
I just came across your site by accident today. This is so insightful. My husband has depression. We’ve been together nearly 20 years, and we have 3 young children. I have been so confused & hurt by the things he has said & his actions in the past year. I realize now that it is the depression that is saying these things & not him.
I have an appointment with a counselor this week. He has had one, but didn’t make another. He has met with a sleep specialist, he didn’t like what he had to say either. He is searching for an external solution to his problem. He blames me most of the time. I have been relying on friends and family for the past 2 months. I’m not sure how this can get this bad when I’ve never seen it before. I’m terrified. We were the couple that everyone thought would be forever. No one has ever doubted us. Now he says that we are incompatible & that our marriage won’t work out.
I am living day to day. Last week was terrible. Over the weekend I found new strength to love him & support him while taking care of myself & our children first. He told me this weekend he does think he has depression, I take that as a good first step. He has been taking medication for the past 3 weeks. Having the patience to sustain this medication roller coaster is terrifying, but again day by day. I hope that he will schedule another appointment with a counselor soon. I miss my best friend. I miss him. Thank you for your insight & God Bless your wife. I find myself praying nearly constantly through the day these days, usually only for strength & patience for me, protection for our children, and safety for him. Those are my 3 biggest requests.
Thank you again for this site, it is being bookmarked by me today. I suspect I will visit you often. Nothing personal, but I wish I didn’t have to. (Your wife doesn’t have one too does she?)
Thank you, Worried –
I’m sorry that you need to seek this sort of advice at all, but I’m glad you’ve stopped by. It sounds like you’re doing all that you can do – taking care of yourself is so important. Working with a counselor will help some, I hope – writing about the depth of hurt and fear also helps – whether you share it with others or just do it for yourself.
It’s an excellent sign that he’s admitted to depression and is seeking help. I hope he goes beyond medication, though, since that rarely eliminates depression by itself. Therapy is extremely important. I hope he can bring himself to talk honestly with a therapist or counselor – so many men understate what’s wrong.
There are a lot more posts here about this problem, and there are others I’ve been writing for Health Central’s MyDepressionConnection page. Here’s the link to those.
My very best to you –
John
I can definitely agree. Only after getting some professional help i understood how the heavy lifting must be done alone, no one can do the work for me, and i can’t do the work for no one.
Its hard to acknowledge, though, our brain seems to simplify things, and refuses to see how other peoples issues are different than ours, even if the symptoms are similar.
Wow. I have never heard or read anything so insightful on feelings so hard to capture. Being only 22 years old myself, and aware of my depression for only one of those years, I am slowly learning more and more about my condition. Depression has been at the root of my self-medicating drug abuse and alcoholism, as well as problems with the most wonderful woman in my life. It is exactly as you put it: “fantasy of escape.” Thank you for this wonderful article.
That’s a key point – refusing to see how other people’s issues are different from ours. The world gets so one-dimensional to my depressed mind. Everything seems to be about me – so maybe it’s not refusal but inability to break through that and really understand what someone else is going through. That’s very hard on a relationship. Is that what you’re referring to?
JohnD
You have described my, now ex-husband to a “T”. He has insisted that getting away from me and all we had to pursue a life he had in his youth. We have a deep bond. We stayed close and continued to see each other up until he left the country 3 days ago. I supported him and his pursuit of happiness and I only hope it leads him back to me. Thanks for your story, it gives me hope.
Cheryl –
It’s so good to hear that you’re working with Al Anon, taking care of yourself, and that your husband is working on sobriety. It’s great that he’s open to seeking new help for depression too. I’ve had the painful experience of friends with this dual diagnosis, and each condition has its own formidable problems. I’ve been trying to capture in recent posts something about the impact of depression on my wife, and that’s painful to relive. Hopefully, your husband can get a sense of what you have to endure with him in this state – not to beat himself up with that knowledge but just to add to his awareness of what these conditions do.
All best wishes to you,
JohnD
Thank you, Big Eddie, for your insight. Your experience has been very helpful:
“She thought she was trying to be supportive and caring, but her disappointment always leaked through the façade and it made me feel like a total failure. If I added together my job, my hobbies, my friends, all of them together did not mean as much to me as making her happy, and I failed spectacularly.”
My husband often says, “I know you’re disappointed in me.” and “I just want you to be happy.” You’ve given me great insight into how my own feelings leak through in my daily life.
JohnD….I am trying to care for myself. I have a counselor and am active in Al-Anon, due to my husband’s recent year-long attempt to drown himself in whiskey. And honestly, the companionship of others in the same situation has saved me. I was surprised to find so many dealing with serious depression too (both before and after alcohol came on the scene). He is about 90 days sober now, but unfortunately his depression has not improved. He did agree to try a new psych and perhaps different medication, but of course, the wait time is nearly THREE MONTHS.
So we wait…
Thanks again, for letting me post in cyber-anonymity. It’s nice to know others out there care.
Not quite two years ago we wrote our vows. Most things fell into place quickly except two wrinkles. I was hesitant about “as long as we both shall live” and “in sickness and in health”. If I got conked in the noodle and vegetated persistently, I wanted her to know that she should seek the support and companionship she deserved. She was OK with that. She saw these two phrases as part of a standard way of saying that we would love each other forever. I was OK with that. We left the phrases in.
Fast forward just under one year. We had been married three months and I decided to audition for a play she was heavily involved in. I was lukewarm about it, but community theater was such a huge part of her free time and her social circle that I thought I should give it a try. Rehearsals threw off my sleep schedule and made it impossible to get to the gym. Work and rehearsals was stressful enough for my wife that she really needed to go out with the gang after rehearsal. Alcohol problems run in my family and I have bad hearing, so mingling in loud bars is not my cup of tea.
I really thought she understood what was going on. She was staying out late and I was getting dark circles under my eyes, growing argumentative and withdrawing. She teaches at the same elementary as some of the teachers and counselors who gave me my earliest diagnoses. She knew I had been in and out of treatment for depression for the twenty years since third grade. She still did not comprehend the challenges of living with a depressed partner. Few people can before they do it.
I could not be the happy-go-lucky, easygoing, always-funny conversationalist she needed. She and I met Dennis in that very community theater production and he seemed to fill some of her needs. I was exhausted from trying to be passionate enough, joyous enough, fun enough… I was almost glad to have a breather when she went out with Dennis. He was a close friend of her sister-in-law’s; it never occurred to me that she would leave me for him. Most of the people on her side of our wedding have embraced him and are relieved that she’s done with me. She brought the divorce papers by for signatures on our first anniversary.
I cannot blame myself for everything. She clearly had a role. There was no adultery, but falling in love with another guy and pursuing that certainly constituted infidelity within three months of the wedding. Nonetheless, I have to examine my own role. I decided that I was the realistic person who had to put the damper on many of her wilder dreams and I resisted many attempts to draw me into the world of the living. Despair and isolation were familiar and comfortable. I had long believed that my great contribution to our marriage would be life insurance because I would die of grief. I could not imagine any other way to contribute to the world. I had no energy for life, but I had endless energy for picking fights, nagging and making excuses for antisocial tendencies.
Splitting up forced me to take charge of my life and re-engage. I had been with her so long I was trying to coast to a healthier place or drift out of despair. Trying to keep up with her was exhausting. I was never quite enough for my effervescent, youthful partner of five years. She thought she was trying to be supportive and caring, but her disappointment always leaked through the façade and it made me feel like a total failure. If I added together my job, my hobbies, my friends, all of them together did not mean as much to me as making her happy, and I failed spectacularly. Now it’s time to see if I can make me happy (or at least less unhappy).
My wife wanted a sense of hope, a promise that I would go back to a “normal” that was not representative of my life. How could I promise that? We met and fell in love during an unprecedented remission. She needed more passion and joy and novelty than I could ever squeeze out of my tired soul and she found it elsewhere. Six months after she left, I am just starting to dip my toes in the dating pool. When women ask why my marriage didn’t work out, I have no idea how to answer them. Part of me wants to say “She couldn’t handle my depression” part of me wants to say “She chose another guy over me” and part of me wants to say “I was so frustrated I inadvertently chased her into another guy’s arms, where I subconsciously thought she’d be better off.”
There is something very close to the power of addiction in the fantasy of escape.
Oh Jesus, you do really know. It’s utterly frightening.
I don’t want another partner but the fantasy of being alone is very addictive and probably self-destructive.
It’s so good to hear, Graham, that you’ve become aware of what your going through and are getting help. At your age, I had almost no tools to work with. And what the insightful professionals are saying now is the sooner you start treating depression the better the chance its long term harm to your brain and body can be averted. Not to mention your relationship.
JohnD
Carol – I hope your man can get some recognition of what he’s going through soon, for the sake of you both. I know how many years my wife was battering at that shut door, and all she got from me were angry denials. I think he has to get to a point, as I did, where the external evidence of the impact of depression not just on him but on others is so overwhelming it just can’t be denied. As I said in that post, you need support too. I hope you’re getting it, and that your wait for the light to go on in his awareness won’t be too far off.
JohnD
Thanks for saying it out loud. I haven’t dreamed of another partner, so much as I’ve dreamed about having our life back. Or perhaps, of being single.
I’ve been married 25 years to a man who has a family history of severe depression in the men about mid-40s. All of a sudden, I don’t know this man who I’ve been around since I was 13 years old. I know it’s an illness. But, dang it, why won’t he go to a doctor consistently and try to mitigate the serious symtoms?
Do I love my husband? Absolutely. Do I like living with my husband. No.
I miss who he was and I miss our life together.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Cheryl
An incredibly inciteful post and I certainly hope others who are experiencing this get to read it.
I too have seen many people reaching out for help in forums and depression chat rooms. Partners and friends desperately looking for any kind of advice. There is much information available on the WWW but too little from personal perspectives.
I’ll be back to read through your site more thoroughly.
-Zathyn Priest