Storied Mind

Why Depressed Men Leave – 1

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About a year ago, I wrote a series of posts about my experience with the fantasies of a better life that often prompt depressed men to leave their families. You can find the first of those stories here, here and here. Those brief pieces tell only a small part of a long and troubling story. To stay in recovery I have to know more, and so I’m starting a new series of posts specifically about why men want to leave, how we change, where we want to go.

Of course, this story is not mine alone. I’ve been there with many other men, and we’ve all been cold company. Whether depressed men leave by walking out or by emotional withdrawal or aggressive rage and abuse, they go through a baffling transformation and provoke the most devastating crisis for those who love them most. My own experience has been bad enough, but I read the same story and worse online each day. The pain, confusion and desperation are always fresh, even though repeated hundreds of times in forum after forum.

- He won’t look at me anymore. – Whatever I do is wrong. – I can’t understand the anger when he comes home after work – and I haven’t done a single thing. – If I ask him what’s wrong, he goes into a rage. – He gets so abusive and blames me for everything he doesn’t like. – His rages scare me to death. – I don’t know who this man is anymore. – I can’t do anything right. – This is not the life I thought I was getting into. – I feel so small around him. – What have I done to make him so angry? – It’s all driving me crazy. – I can’t take much more of this. – What can I say? – What can I do? – Please help!

It’s one thing for me to blame depression for causing behavior that inflicts such pain. It’s another to get clear about exactly what I did in order to recognize it early and stop myself from repeating the same thing over and over again. To stay in recovery, I can’t focus only on what’s going on in my head but need to be able to face squarely the effects on those closest to me. Seeing what the reality has been for my wife and children in those dark periods makes it so much more urgent that I get to the bottom of what I have done.

Only in that way can I break the forces of mind and feeling underlying my hurtful words and actions. What was I thinking and feeling when I was isolating myself from my family emotionally, if not actually leaving? Why didn’t I see sooner what I was doing? When I did see part of it, why couldn’t I stop? What was changing deep down? I have to be able to answer these questions and a lot more so that I’ll be quick to recognize the problem if it begins again. If I do see it, I’ll have to know what to start doing to turn that mindset and behavior around. Recovery depends on alertness and action every day.

Here’s a quick overview of what I want to explore in this series. This is the way I’m seeing it through my analytical brain. I’m sure as I tell the stories each evokes, I’ll change and refine the picture I’m looking at now. It’s almost a model of how this state develops, and that means to me it’s far too neat. I’m separating each element from the real experience, but it is never so simple as this line-up might make it seem.

Control and Denial. Whatever the internal crisis may have been, I had to keep it under a tight lid, hide it from everyone, including myself. Denial is a common word. What isn’t always clear is how much energy it takes both to keep inner turmoil under control and to keep it from getting too close to awareness. That took so much out of me, I was always tense and run down with the effort.
Refusal. If there was nothing wrong with me, there was no need to talk about it. Every time my wife would try to engage me about what I was feeling, I refused to talk about it. I was genuinely angry at the suggestion that I had a problem. This behavior is frequently described, but what many miss is the sense of power men can get from holding back words. There is a perverse satisfaction in keeping others guessing, and the silence also prevents me from knowing more than I want to know. Strong and silent are paired for good reason.
Isolation. Isolating from others doesn’t mean physical separation so much as creating distance while you’re with family, friends, everyone who’s close. I could do this by being angry or abusive, or by an emotional and mental disappearance in plain sight. On any given day, I could shift from one unmindful strategy to the other.
Blame. Naturally, if there’s nothing wrong with me, the explanation for that hurt and turmoil buried within has its cause in someone or something else – family, job, city – probably the combination of it all. The feeling builds that the life I’m living is a trap that’s ruining my chances for happiness.
The Cure. Since the problem comes from outside, I can also find the cure for it there. Everything will be better there, everything is hopeless here. So the yearning to leave and the fantasies that go with it get stronger all the time. Whether they’re acted on or not, the damage to others is already done.

This is what occurs to me now. How does it sound to you? What’s your experience like?

Tags: anger, blame, denial, family, grief, leaving, love, men, partner, self-esteem

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This entry was posted on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 6:32 pm and is filed under Connecting, Fighting Depression, Men and Depression, Partners to Depression. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

38 Comments to “Why Depressed Men Leave – 1”

Posted by Eileen, February 11th, 2009 at 5:00 pm

I was in a relationship that was very important to me, though not committed as a marriage. It ended a few months ago. To tell the truth, this is the kind of behavior that this person displayed with me. Basically withdrawal and denial that anything is wrong until the whole relationship came tumbling down. This person also wishes to find the perfect woman, who is not me. I agree I am very imperfect. In any case, this was so hurtful. It made me feel crazy, doubting my owns feelings about what was actually going on, never knowing what the problem might be, fearful and on edge.

Well, you’ve touched a sore spot here. I think it’s great that you are able to realize, through much soul searching, that this is not good or helpful behavior, and gently and kindly (hopefully) trying to change it. We have to be kind to ourselves.

How can a partner address or change what we don’t know about? Not that it was all his fault, but in this respect, yes it was.

It’s really interesting in any case to see this described from the other side, the ‘strong and silent’ man’s view.

I apologize in advance if this is not a supportive comment – as I said, this touched a sore spot. And when writing touches someone, that’s good in itself I figure, however it does that. It’s communication….

Posted by Melinda, February 11th, 2009 at 5:02 pm

John,

As usual, your post is so beautifully written and also allowed me to reflect on my own recovery in new ways.

I don’t think it is just men that leave-women leave to. When I was immersed in addiction, I used to make geographical changes all the time-with the belief that it was a place that caused me problems (i.e., if I can get away from San Francisco, I will stop using drugs). But that didn’t work-because in the end, we travel with ourselves wherever we go-and we cannot run from ourselves.

Take care, my friend—

Melinda

Posted by Ari, February 11th, 2009 at 5:05 pm

You describe the chain of thoughts in a depressed mind pretty well.

To me, depression comes from suppression—like keeping too many secrets. When a lot of hurt is suppressed inside without proper outlets, it weighs you down and trigger these negative behaviors and thought patterns.

It’s hard, particularly for men, to have a safe place for a break down. Men just aren’t given tools and methods to express their emotions.

Small breakdowns here and there can prevent big ones—I think true cure for depression can only come through actually allowing depression to manifest itself. Hopefully in a safe and constructive environment.

It’s tough, though. It’s very tough. My heart goes out to everyone suffering from depression.

ari

Posted by John D, February 11th, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Eileen -

I’m sorry if this hit home in an uncomfortable way, but an honest and hard-to-write comment like this is always supportive. Thank you for telling that story! This behavior of your partner does put you in an impossible situation, and he has to be responsible for the effect he has on you. Even if he’s in the grip of a depression he doesn’t understand, that doesn’t excuse the destructiveness of his behavior. One of the hard things about depression is that the impact on the partner really is devastating. When I’ve snapped out of it long enough to communicate with my wife, I can’t undo the hurt I’ve inflicted. At some point, you have to own up to that, and I’m sorry this person couldn’t get enough awareness to see what he was doing before driving you crazy.

My very best to you! John

Posted by John D, February 11th, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Thanks, Melinda -

You’ve hit a central point – we take ourselves wherever we move. Understanding that, at least dimly at the time, helped stop me from running out on my family. I’d tried changes of location in the past, and nothing ever changed inside. It amazes me how many men – and I’m sure women – just assume that problems they blame on a partner will be solved by going away and starting again with someone else. There are times when the relationship was just wrong to begin with and a break can help. But that’s not usually what I see.

Thanks for coming by! – John

Posted by John D, February 11th, 2009 at 9:56 pm

Thanks, Ari -

Suppression began for me at such an early age that it had to be a primary force in the depression that evolved over time. The trouble with depression, though, is that the longer it goes on the more self-sustaining it becomes. Dealing with the origins and suppressed emotions usually isn’t enough at that point to get rid of it. The causes of this problem aren’t well understood, and I think most explanations get at an important part of the truth. It’s also the case that depression isn’t one thing for everyone who has it. I find that some people are helped enormously by treatments that have had no effect on me whatsoever. We’re all trying to figure this out!

Your thoughts are always helpful and insightful. Thank you for coming by. – John

Posted by untreatableonline, February 12th, 2009 at 7:55 am

When I became ill I basically forced the people close to me to leave at some subconscious level. Part of me needed to be alone with the depression and remove anything that would distract me from the fight that I was in. I could blame the male stigma where we are expected to handle everything internally and not express our emotions. In the end thinking that I was trying to protect my loved ones from the monster of mental illness I put myself into a dangerous situation. Take care

Posted by john, February 13th, 2009 at 3:25 pm

untreatableonline -

People do get that subconscious message but have a hard time understanding what it is – so they take it personally, quite hard if they’re really close. When I’m in that state and have to be alone, it’s difficult to be clear enough in mind to tell my family what’s going on. These days I’ve gotten a lot better about saying that it’s depression and I can’t respond to anything else very well. That is dangerous – I’m so glad you’ve gotten a handle on that and, frankly, survived the isolation.

You take care too – John

Posted by Hanberry Pie, February 18th, 2009 at 3:21 am

I just want to say how interesting I have found these posts on why men leave, I was very briefly involved with such a man early last year, he had left his young family and had numerous affairs, going back to the family each time. Unfortunately I was one of those affairs and felt very used and betrayed by him. There were so many lies, so much distress, he was suffering badly, horribly confused and lacking direction. I was unwell myself at the time, having just come out of hospital, I was vulnerable, and at first was grateful for the affection of a new relationship. Later, as I became more aware of his situation, I found it very difficult to understand his actions, recognised how unhealthy our relationship was and put an end to it. Your posts have been very helpful in giving me an insight into what was potentially going on beneath all the lies.

Hann x

10.

Posted by john, February 19th, 2009 at 7:38 pm

Hann – I’m so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of that kind of abuse and betrayal – your words about your feelings reflect the reality, I’m afraid. I can’t imagine what his wife goes through. If the posts were helpful, I’m glad – and thank you for letting me know.

Thanks also for the review!

— My best to you — John

11.

Posted by Lynn, February 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm

John,
Your writings describe so much of my marriage of 10 years to a man suffering from depression. Like you, he is intelligent and able to express himself through writing. Unfortunately, he is not able to control his actions. In the ten years of our marriage he has left five times to live elsewhere for periods of 2 – 5 months only to return saying he won’t do it again. He says he loves me and does not want a divorce but still cannot accept responsibility for leaving. He denies infidelity and says he leaves because he is depressed and needs to be alone. He is so filled with anger, blaming me for his depression, calling me the “crazy” one, refusing to talk with me, and leaving all household responsibilities on my shoulders.
This has happened so often that I sometimes question the use of “depression” as an excuse to just do what he wants, but I know he is deeply hurting. He is seeing psychiatrists, on medication, and goes to marriage counselling with me. He is a kind, gentle, loving man when he is not depressed, but can the cruelty, total disregard for others, self-absorption, and rage be merely due to a “neurochemical imbalance”? Where does the illness end and the moral character of the person begin? I really want to understand and help him, but the more I learn, the more questions I have.

12.

Posted by MJ, February 20th, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Your post was sent to me by a very dear friend. It was like I was reading about life with my husband of 39.5 years. At the 36.75 mark of marriage he surprised me with wanting out. No other woman involved just wanted excitement and adventure. Most of his family take antidepressant and he feels he has escaped it. Only reading Longing to Leave was like reading my life. I hope he will read this. He did leave and seek a divorce but finally went to my therapist with me. I went to therapy since he said all this was my fault. We go to therapy together and it is helping but he still thinks he has no depression problems. Your stories are like looking in a mirror. Thanks for writing them.

13.

Posted by john, February 21st, 2009 at 10:56 am

Lynn -

I’ve tried to answer some of your questions in the second part of this series – but whatever the cause of depression and however severe – the impact of the behavior on you shouldn’t be excused. And none of it has anything to do with what you do. As I say in today’s post, you have to take care of yourself – if you can, confront your husband as directly as possible with what he’s doing to you and the marriage. If he can’t or won’t listen, nothing you say will change that. He has to change. As with an alcoholic, a man may have to lose his family and hit rock bottom before he gets it. In the meantime, look out for yourself and children first.

All my best to you – and thank you for telling your story here.

John

14.

Posted by john, February 21st, 2009 at 11:03 am

MJ -

I hope the stories may be helpful, but I’m sorry you have to deal with that level of denial. As I discuss in today’s post, the second part of this series – and also in the response to Lynn, if he won’t or can’t accept responsibility for what he’s done, you can’t do it for him. I wish there were some direct way to get someone to wake up, but there isn’t. My wife tried for many years – but ultimately I had to get it at the very deepest level – she suffered through it and we managed to pull out. We were lucky. I hope something will work for the both of you.

My very best to you — John

15.

Posted by sarah, February 21st, 2009 at 12:11 pm

i have been with my partner for nearly 10 years and in the last year he has left me 3 times for 3 weeks at a time and always comes back and promises he wil never leave again but only yesterday we had a silly row and he packed half of his stuff and me and the kids watched him driveaway with not a care in the world. he leaves us devastated everytime, he blames the situation on me, money worries , my attitude towards him when he doesnt talk to me, he is 100 percent faithfull, so i never doubt him or mistrust him so why do this to us all the time.

16.

Posted by john, February 21st, 2009 at 5:15 pm

sarah -

You haven’t mentioned if he has depression – there are lots of people who behave this way and don’t have a mood disorder. Whatever the cause, I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this. The reasons he cites only let him off the hook for whatever is going on inside him – leaving is pointless and abusive to you and your kids. He doesn’t sound like he’s open to any self-examination, but getting into good couples counseling might be a way to get him to hear an independent voice. I hope you can take care of yourself and your kids with all the support you can get – don’t keep it a secret – ask for help.

My very best to you — John

17.

Posted by sarah, February 22nd, 2009 at 12:35 am

hi john, it may well be depression, i notice when things go wrong he seems to go on a downward spiral and no matter what i say or do to make him happy it is only short term and he goes all withdrawn, he is constantly tired and has loss or motivation and i get frustrated tell him exactly how things are going and he runs away. hes told me he loves me but hes also saying when he goes back to his mums home to have a break, he likes it but only short term. ive told him if he left me again there would be no turning back, i wouldnt take him bk despite the love i have for him. the pain that he leaves behind on me and our children is too much to bare but its like hes trying to teach me a lesson for the times ive had a go at him for the way he is behaving. should i keep taking him back, that makes me a weak person doesnt it.

18. Posted by Points of Interest, Vol 2, #5 « Mind, Soul, and Body, February 22nd, 2009 at 6:27 am

[...] Storied Mind, John takes an introspective look at the thought processes that often cause men to disconnect from family and society in the midst of [...]

19.

Posted by john, February 22nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm

sarah -

It would really be irresponsible of me to try to offer advice on such a big decision. You should seek advice from those who know you and your family. Also, I just speak from my own experience here and am not a counselor or therapist. If someone has symptoms that seem to resemble depression, I would urge consulting a professional mental health provider. I hope you do get support and assistance for dealing with a crisis like this.

My very best to you — John

20.

Posted by Tonia, November 4th, 2009 at 5:58 pm

I was dating a man for 5 months that I had dated back when I was 17. We reconnected and realized that we had so much in common and we just really hit it off. we laughed constantly and just loved spending time together. he came to all of my daughters softball games and would have us over for dinner after.
I started noticing little by little that he seemed sort of distant and didn’t call as much. When we did talk, he wasn’t as affectionate as usual, he never seemed as into us visiting, we stopped having dinners and he just seemed kind of sad. He kept saying it wasn’t me and the last night I saw him, he is usually so kind and loving and affectionate but he acted like he really didn’t want to kiss me or anything. He started sounding like it was hard for him to get “I love you” out. There are other thinks I cannot think of off hand but I read up allot on depression and he had every single sign.
When I got home that night, he was online and I told him it was good to see him (we hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks) and he said Oh you too sweetie. Well, I asked him if things seemed sort o strange that evening and why he seemed different and he said he just doesn’t know and logged off! I tried texting him because this was so out of character for him and he ignored me. I have called and left messages asking to please just tell me if I did something wrong..nothing. I sent nice emails and again…nothing. earlier that week he said that his mom was noticing his withdrawal and hermit-like behavior and then I though about how in the last couple of weeks he didn’t eat as much and his sleep pattern went to crap. He was going to bed between 9:00am – 11:00am and getting back up at around 3:00pm and doing it all over.He hasn’t worked in almost a year due to lay offs. I have NO concerns of him cheating and if you knew him you would understand but I’m just wondering how you can go from making a fuss and telling me he has NEVER felt this way and now he knows what love is to just going off line and ignoring me for 5 weeks now? I just couldn’t figure out how you couldn’t be upset after being in love like that to nothing and being ok with it. Is it a possibility that he will ever look for me again or do you think he could be done? I also read up the fact that if you stay away from a depressed person and not just “check in” once in a while to let them know you are still there, when they do have their normal feelings, they will learn to prioritize you right out of their life! I know you cant possibly know his feelings about our relationship and what he plans to do but is this normal when a person is depressed to walk away completely like they never loved you and NEVER give you a reason no matter how much you ask? I guess I just wonder a lot if he is in a deep fog that he will come out of in weeks,months whatever and see he still feels the same. Does that happen? Sorry,
So confused. thank you for reading and sorry so long!

21.

Posted by Shelly, November 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Hi Tonya,

I understand what you are going thru because my now ex-boyfriend had a depressive crisis (tried to commit suicide) two months ago and he has broken up with me saying his feelings are no longer there and has slowly isolated. Since we are in different countries, when I call I think he screens my calls and does not pick up. Ironically enough, when people call him and these are people that are not aware of his situation, he actually pays more attention to them.

I asked John for some insight and his website alone helped out a lot. I thought I was going to be able to support him throughout this depressive journey but it got to the point where he basically ignores me and does not want to talk to me. Its like he thinks everything in his life is making him miserable and he’s fully focused on making new friends, creating new hobbies, traveling, etc.

I decided to let the relationship end completely so that I can heal and get over my broken heart because a couple of days ago, I logged into Facebook and found a profile for him in which only his new friends were included, none of our mutual friends or even family were connected to him. I also saw that he’s talking to a girl that’s physically in the same location as he is and she thinks (by what he’s told her) that he has depression because of his break up with me. SHe doesnt really know that he tried committing suicide.

Tonya, I’ve personally concluded after reading on this website that if they do not want help, you cannot encourage them to seek it, much less think that you can cure them. It was tough reality to accept but I’ve decided to accept it. I feel that my exboyfriend of 6 years is seeking a new life, with new friends and even a new girlfriend and even though I know its his depression, the hurting effect is still the same towards me. I would not encourage you to leave him because its something you have to decide. I’ve decided to leave my exboyfriend because he doesnt seem to want to seek therapy and get on the right medication and thinks that he will feel better by going to the gym 7 times weekly. Ohh weell

22.

Posted by Gerry, November 5th, 2009 at 6:27 pm

Very interesting and powerful write up.

This article has made me think about my father of all people and the behaviour he had towards my mother. As a young adult I internalised his violent and withdrawn behaviour to normal everyday stress that struggling parents go through. Now that I am a father myself and much older I realise that there is a strong possiblity that depression played an intergral part in his hot and cold personality.

In retrospect, it would of made life a lot easier for my family if he did go and leave us. That way home would of been a safer place.

Thanks for the post!

Gerry

23.

Posted by Tonia, November 5th, 2009 at 11:52 pm

Thanks Shelly,
I sort of don’t have a choice since he wont talk to me. With him, He barely talks to others either. He doesn’t really have motivation to even go anywhere. It was SOOO sudden though. That’s why I’m so confused. As much in love as we were and to just shut off. I mean, I guess it sort of was over a short period I noticed changes but to just stop talking or communicating with me just like that without it seeming to bother him, and no explanation, I just get so frustrated because we were amazingly great for each other. I forgot to add that he did get distant like a month prior that lead to this same thing but after a while he finally communicated by email and said he loved me dearly but that it wasn’t me. Well at least I got SOME answers then but no phone at all. When I finally took a chance and called out of the blue a week or so later, he didn’t answer but called right back. he said his heart nearly pounded out of his chest because he wanted to talk to me plus he was nervous from being embarrassed about how he had been acting. After a while on the phone, i asked him what he though we should do and if we should just wait and figure out whats going on with him or what and he said well by then you could be moved on and I don’t know if I will ever find anyone so compatible like we are. Now this again only way worse. Ugh! Its frustrating and after really reading about depression ( he has EVERY sign) i cant understand if he is just extremely depressed and ignoring the world and holed up i his house until he snaps out for a while and realizes, or if he IS done and just doesn’t feel like telling me or is embarrassed. I love him enough to wait but at the same time it isn’t fare to me.

24.

Posted by john, November 7th, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Hi, Tonia -

I’m afraid it is possible for a severely depressed man to change from loving you to feeling nothing and isolating himself. He may feel so badly about himself that he can’t face anyone else – and he may not want to talk about it because he doesn’t recognize what’s happening. A depressed person isn’t the same anymore – and that’s so hard to accept or make sense of. Depression is a powerful state of mind and feeling that takes over when it’s really bad. I’m sure it’s hard to imagine that his feelings for you could disappear, but that’s not just his feeling for you – there may be no emotion at all. Or at least no positive feeling – since he may be so preoccupied with a sense of inner worthlessness. Depression is insidious.

And it is possible that he could come out of it and have his feelings for you back – I’ve been through that more than once. Depressive episodes do end at some point, or at least let up a bit. That also is hard to understand – and could well leave you far less trusting than before. My wife felt she couldn’t count on me after years of this sort of thing. The illness has a terrible effect on every close relationship.

I hope he gets help. If this is the first time it’s happened, there is a very good chance that treatment could keep the problem from becoming a permanent part of his life.

My best to you,

John

25.

Posted by john, November 7th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

Hi, Shelly -

I’m really glad to hear that you’ve reached a resolution about this. It sounds like it was the right decision for you, and it’s great you’ve found a way – a really hard one – to take care of your needs. I agree that your healing couldn’t really begin so long as you kept getting one hurtful rebuff from your ex after another.

That’s one of the hardest things to do – so congratulations!

My best to you -

John

26.

Posted by john, November 7th, 2009 at 10:46 pm

Hi, Gerry -

It is hard to figure out that kind of behavior when you’re growing up. I think children – at least when very young – somehow work things out in their minds to find a way to live with what their parents do. Depression could very well have been part of the problem. Terrence Real’s book – I Don’t Want to Talk About It – offers great insights into how men handle it. He refers to a phase of covert depression in which the man doesn’t understand what’s going on and directs inner pain outward as blame and violence, often targeting his wife or children. He recreates many powerful scenes from his therapy practice in which men finally start to see what they’re really experiencing.

It sounds like you came through in pretty good shape.

Thanks for your comment -

John

27.

Posted by Shelly, November 9th, 2009 at 10:43 am

Tonya,

John is correct. I was confused as you are as my now ex-boyfriend just broke things off out of the blue, his excuse? “I lost passion towards the relationship”. But as time went by, he actually isolated but did not completely disappear, his isolation was more on the emotional side. I would ask him again why we broke things off, sometime he would say that we had too many problems, others he’d say he did not know and many times he admitted to still having feelings towards me but that he was not good enough and he was pushing me away so that I did not go through his suffering.

For me what’s hard to understand is how he isolates from me, his family and even old friends but pretty much acts very normal and cheery with his new friends who do not know of his Clinical depression.

He’s fully isolated now from me, and is slowly walking away from his family and starting a new life with his new friends. I agree that he may feel emotionless or have lost feelings due to depression or perhaps even the effects of the medication. what is hard to understand is how he’s actually now seeking a new relationship with a new girl who does not know he has depression.
How can he not have feelings towards me even thouhg he’s admitted to loving me sooo much and walk away and then move on and start dating someone else and have feelings (or attraction) towards a new girl. I thought depression effects applied to all situations? John perhaps you can shed some light on this as you’ve gone through it?

Tonya everyone suggested that I leave my ex-boyfriend alone and allowed him to miss me so that he can make an analysis of what he’s losing. Perhaps that would be something you should do. I would encourage that you do not overanalyse the situation because you will drive yourself to get anxious. If he is depressed, he will act as a totally different person. I heard that with men, due to their role in society sometimes its hard for them to recover becuase they do not seek therapy and/or medication and in most cases, they have to hit rock bottom to really start recovering.
My ex takes medication like painkillers, when he’s actually feeling depression or hurting, he takes the medication and he gets the effect of feeling “nothing” afterwards and he’s comfortable this way.

If it helps to talk to someone that’s been through this, feel free to leave your emial and I will contact you directly. Its killing me to lose my relationship of 6 years but I’ve realized that I cannot help him if he does not want the help. He’s now fantasizing with a new life and no one will be able to change his idea of this until he realizes it himself.

Shelly!

28.

Posted by tonia, November 9th, 2009 at 8:23 pm

I think that one of the things that bothers me the most is the fact that we were SOO close and we had just had dinner together and watched two movies and things could not have been more perfect. the only thing I could remember was that I have never gone home after spending the evening with him and he never even aced like he was asking me to stay so here I was walking out his door to go home at 2am. He went to my car with me and that was it. I got home and saw he was online and we chatted for about 2 mins and I just mentioned that when I kissed him, he seemed distant. He replied that he didn’t think anything was wrong and then I said well I know I just usually stay and he replied, Its not you. I tried to reply back but it said he logged off. He would never have done that before!
I know I explained all this before but anyway, I’m beginning to think that its not just his leaving but its the fact that I have absolutely NO closure!
Ive have tried to subtly ask him if he could explain with out being pushy or pesky and he has not said word one since that night. Not one! Is this normal for a depressed person? After being that much in love?
I mean, I hear people say that they are in this same situation but I will hear them say, well he said or she said and we did this and then we argued yada yada but there is No contact! Your are right Shelly, I am already over analyzing things but I know its due to feeling like Its not fare that I did not get a response as to why this happened. Its such a crappy situation when for once you felt like you finally met someone that was different than others,smart,funny,great times together and then they become the least likely to this!
My daughter plays the bass guitar and she borrowed his. Well, after never hearing from him, she got hers fixed and wanted to get his back to him asap. He would not even contact HER! He did finally answer her 2 weeks ago through a text but just to say “I will get a hold of you soon to let you know when you can bring it and I will give you your moms movies I have here.” Still hasn’t called. My daughter said that it just seems to her like he isn’t wanting it to end but needs time. ugh. I don’t get it.

29.

Posted by john, November 11th, 2009 at 10:37 pm

Hi, Tonia -

Just another thought to follow on Shelly’s advice from her own hard experience. In the midst of depression, there is so much self-contempt and obsessive thinking about every wrong thing you’ve ever done that real love, even attention, for someone else is impossible. The darkest part of the self takes over, and there isn’t room for anyone else. Depression convinces you that you can’t love or be loved and pushes you into isolation. One friend of mine hit bottom this way, left his wife and lived alone for a time, spending most of his evenings in a dark, bleakly furnished room. You can feel a deadly form of self-absorption – I remember being in that state when my wife and a few close friends would offer so much love and support. I could not even hear the words – literally had no memory that they had ever been spoken. That’s how far away you can get from close relationships. I can’t say what your friend is going through, but cutting off contact – hiding out both physically and emotionally – often happens not as a conscious decision so much as almost compelled behavior. It’s a horrible shock to feel that sudden loss when you’re the one trying to reach out. I think you know a lot about some of the possible reasons for his behavior, but it’s another thing to recover emotionally.

I wish you well.

John

30.

Posted by tonia, November 11th, 2009 at 11:58 pm

John,
Thank you, your words have shed a little more light on how he is feeling. It makes more sense.
I’m thinking that since he is not talking to me at all and it has been 6 weeks tomorrow, I’m not gonna get a chance to ever get him to realize what he needs to do. I’m afraid that if no one seems to want to offer him their thoughts on his behavior or what he might want to do, then he is somewhat stuck.
I am trying every day to just hold on but at the same time not stop my life. I do send emails and a text here and there to let him know how I feel but I don’t think I will ever hear from him as much as I hate to say that.
I have tried to understand depression the best way I can and I hope that someone is able to get to him so he doesn’t have to struggle like he may think he has to.
I just wish I could get rid of the feelings of always having to think about; Is he thinking about me?, does he still love me?, does he want to call me?, what does he think when he reads my messages or sees me calling?
Thanks for all of the advice guys!
Take care! Hope to read some new stuff soon.

31.

Posted by Victoria, November 27th, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Even with the knowledge that my partner was dealing with depression and sexual addiction, leaving him was and is, one of the toughest choices I have had to make in my life.
I believed him when he told me we would grow old together, in fact, it took him quite a bit to convince me it was fact, so, when it became apparent, after 5 years together, that fact was really fiction, confusion set itself deep into my system.
A year later, I am still confused.
Did I make a good choice when I chose to leave him?
For my own sanity, Yes.
Does it still hurt to know how much I love him and could not help? Yes.
Am I going to be okay even though I still feel I left a man I really did want to grow old with? Yes.
Do I feel that “okay” feeling every day? No.
Some days I do ask myself the questions…
IF …
I had not left, would he have ever admitted his issues to himself and sought help outside himself, as John has.
The answers are not to be found.
I have to keep allowing the past to be.
I have to keep loving.
I have to keep believing.
I have to.

32.

Posted by john, November 30th, 2009 at 9:50 am

Hey, Victoria -

It takes a long time – at least that’s what every person I know in your position has told me. I’ve seen it close up in the experience of someone in my family as well. I’ve known a couple of cases where leaving left no doubt and turned a life around – for the better. But for most people – how could there not be second thoughts and grief at the loss of what had been such a great hope.

Getting yourself back together after that experience can’t be easy, and I know that changing expectations in your mind doesn’t change your feelings for quite a while.

All my hopes and wishes for the best -

John

33.

Posted by Patch, December 16th, 2009 at 3:43 am

Hi John,

Thanks so much for all your really helpful articles on this subject. I’m doing a lot of learning.

My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me recently. For a month or so before that he’d started changing into someone I didn’t know and didn’t understand – he was trying really hard to make out everything was fine with him, but it clearly wasn’t. I know he’s dealt with depression before (although he didn’t call it that – he said he’d been to some really dark places) shortly before I met him, and before we broke up he started slipping back into those same behaviours – drinking too much, not sleeping, pushing everyone away. I’ve been reading about hidden/covert depression, and that describes him exactly.

When he broke up with me he said he couldn’t stand to turn back into the person he’d been before at those bad times, and he couldn’t stand to keep hurting me, and he just knew he needed to be entirely alone to work out why he was ‘broken’. He told me he didn’t even want to be in touch because ‘that would be a connection to you, and I can’t deal with a connection to anyone right now’.

He’s said (and I believe) that he does love me – but that he knows he’d end up hurting me and letting me down if he stayed, and that he has to be totally on his own, nobody around him, to work out what’s wrong with him. But now, he seems to have changed his mind about wanting a connection with me; he emails a lot (just chatty stuff, but regularly), he’s really reluctant to do anything ‘final’ like swap belongings back, and we’ve agreed to talk about getting back together in the future after time apart now. I don’t know if we ever will or not (I’d like to!), but at any rate I’d like him to get better. This unhappy, shut-in, self-hating person he’s turned into isn’t the person I knew.

He told me when we broke up that he was going to get counselling to work out why he was ‘broken’ and ‘so bad at dealing with stuff’. I’ve told him more recently that I really hope he does, because it seems to me that he’s depressed, and he needs help to deal with that.

In the meantime I’m trying as best I can to get on with my own life and concentrate on doing things for me, while still giving him his space, staying in light casual contact, and making sure he knows I’m there if he needs to talk. I hope this is the right thing to do. I just feel so bad for never noticing, until now, what a bad state he was in mentally.

34.

Posted by john, December 23rd, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Hi, Patch -

It sounds like you’re doing what I would do, if I were in your place. He may be a little beyond covert depression at this point, since he’s aware enough to know he needs some type of help.

Taking care of your needs is always the first thing I suggest, and your level of contact sounds right to me. The one question I have is whether or not you’re telling him exactly what you feel. I don’t mean only the love and empathy you have for him nor what you’re willing to offer by way of support. I’m reading a lot in your comment about what he’s feeling but not what your feelings have been in reacting to his leaving and his communication with you since then. I think it’s important that he hear about the hurt/loss/grief you may be experiencing and what his behavior does to you. I can’t tell if you’re letting him know that or if you’re reluctant to discuss it out of fear that it might push him away for good or add to his worries. As I see it, he needs to know what his effect on you is. I don’t want to go into this further since I really don’t know the full scope of what you’ve been talking to him about. But that’s a thought.

All my best –

John

35.

Posted by Rhia, March 10th, 2010 at 9:03 pm

My experience is so identical to Patch it’s scary! My ex was this lovely, caring, soft person and now he’s changed into this person I cannot recognise I have told this to his dad. Recently I told this to him. But he says that the reason he was different during our relationship is because at that point he was trying to make it work and had to live with me.

I know that this change in him was triggered by his job loss. But he won’t admit it. He has basically decided that his move to this city and to be with me has caused all the damage and that running back to his hometown will resolve everything.

This has happened in the past when he was overseas – got fired and ran back to his hometown blaming everyone overseas.

When he was trying to break up with me he kept telling me that he was in this exact same place with his ex gf and he only ended up dragging the relationship on and hurting her. He said he didn’t want to hurt me the same way. Of course when he was saying this I hadn’t fully realised that he was depressed and kept asking him not to compare two relationships and two people – especially when his ex had repeatedly flirted with other men in front of him and was so suspicious of him that he cheated on her. Not that I am condoning his actions but he said – ‘if I was going to be blamed for something I hadn’t done, I might as well do something and get blamed’.

While he was trying to break up with me and I told him how cruel he was being to me he said – ‘sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind’.

This man would melt at my tears – he told me to bring my walls down to allow him in – he genuinely loved me and would get so happy when someone praised me. And now he’s this stranger I cannot recognise.

I am not in touch with him – whatever contact we have is about all his things he left at my place (including his passport) and about the money he owes me. Now he is using the money as a bargaining chip – he’s paranoid I will throw his things away if he pays me. I have told him gently that he’s being paranoid and I would never do something like that to things I loved taking care of at one point.

He is posting morbid song lyrics on his facebook, abusing people with expletives and writing misoginistic comments. It has reached such a point that friends are threating to break of friendships with him.

When I apologised for speaking to his dad (prior to our breakup) about intervening and getting him some help – he flew off the handle and blasted me. The man I knew last year would never have done this to me.

This 360 degrees turnaround happened while I was overseas but I could see signs when he got fired from his job in early November. Late November I had to go overseas. Then he ran back to his hometown and decided to stay on there. I was fine with it since I was planning on moving there myself – it’s my hometown too.

He drinks a lot – has had this problem for 2/3 years prior to meeting me. But now he blames me for his drinking, blames me for his financial & career woes as well.

He has psorasis and was abused by a paedophile in his teens. His own mum told me, while I was visiting my hometown to resolve issues, that he needs psychological help. She said this out of the blue and startled me. But he doesn’t like his mum and his dad hates confrontation. His brothers and sisters are seemingly not bothered.

His low self-esteem also comes from the fact that he never got a degree and has lost jobs regularly or has had small little contracts – nothing that he feels proud about. On the other hand he pointed out that I have a degree, house and a job – something he knew from the beginning but became glaringly big when he started spiralling down.

Also when he drinks he makes a fool of himself. So he gives his friends plenty of ammunition and when they tease him he tries to act all cool about it but it hurts his pride.

When he was breaking up with me he told me that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. That he missed me initially when I went overseas but not when he moved back to his hometown. I cannot and won’t believe that his love for me is gone. But as my meditation teacher has pointed out – he doesn’t love himself so how can he offer any love to me?

My meditation teacher has also told me to leave him to hit rock bottom. ‘Exercise tough love’ he told me. Besides even if I want I cannot help him – he has pushed me away very hard. When I went to his hometown in a last ditch effort to make him decide since till then he couldn’t make up his mind – we were deliriously happy on one day and the next day he got drunk and verbally abused me – told me that my culture is self centred and that I have very few friends and so we should break up. He called me a psychopath when I was trying to calm him down. His soft face was twisted in anger – I had never seen him like this. Usually in our relationship I used to be the one with temper and he was the pacifier. He tried to kick me out of his place at 4 in the morning. He was terribly rude and cruel to me. And I couldn’t recognise this man. Obviously he slipped into this depressive state while I was overseas.

Now he has enrolled at university and working full time. However this pressure is causing him to go downhill more – as is evident from his facebook.

I am 31 and he is 28. We were together for a year and a half and lived together for 6/7 months. He had chased me, professed his love and moved cities to be with me. I fell in love eventually. We had a lovely relationship and he was really nice to me. So all the more I cannot believe he has snapped like this. All I can do is leave him to hit rock bottom and hope that he can pick himself up. Then maybe he will rediscover his love for me – which I know is dormant somewhere in there.

I accepted him in spite of his psoriasis (which is he very sensitive about), his thinning hair, his alcohol issues and his financial woes and career issues – don’t think there will be too many women who will love him as much as I do. I wish his depression hadn’t created this chasm between us

36.

Posted by Lisa, May 14th, 2010 at 9:36 am

John,
I want to thank you for this site. Your life and description of your depression and family situation are so familiar it’s as if I wrote these words myself. My husband has been building up this fantasy of “the grass is greener” in his head for about 6 months now. He finally told me this week that the only way he can live a full life is if he leaves. You and I both know this is so far from the truth. When I even suggest that this might be depression he almost laughs and says “There is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I am thinking very clearly.” I am beyond frustrated. I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to pull me back or push me off. I am exhausted. This answers so many questions about his behavior or a very long period of time.
The irony of it all is that I too have suffered depression since our 2nd child was born eight years ago. He is the one that pushed me to get help, medication, and counseling. He even called the Dr. for me. Now the mind-blower which I just realized is that my depression is his “cover”!!!!!
And for so long that made great sense to me. But now I see everything differently. Your words, experience and wisdom may be the very thing to save my husband from many more years of denial and to save our 17 year marriage.

37.

Posted by anon, May 29th, 2010 at 10:26 am

thats nice and all but what am I supposed to do…. a car needs gas to run and for me its the same way. If someones depression is so crippling they cant muster the energy to move more than 3 fingers to bitch online and futilely look for help on google, i dont see how any of this helps…

What can jump start your motivation

what can guide u thru the sadness and convince your muscles that there is a point to contracting and moving your useless lump of meat from A to B.

i dunno

38.

Posted by john, May 30th, 2010 at 10:42 pm

Hello, anon -

I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed, and I only wish there were a simple answer I could give you about getting your motivation and your body moving again. This site tells about what I went through for decades before I could start getting my life back – and also the things I’ve done to recover. My advice comes from my experience. That’s all I really know. The first big step for me was waking up one day and realizing that waiting for medications – or the latest treatment fad – to take care of the problem wasn’t working and never would. Meds can definitely help (it took me about 15 years of trial and error to find the right ones), but I had to put together many treatments, including writing this blog and corresponding with people online who have gone through similar torture.

In a desperate time, medication can be important to take the edge off the worst symptoms and episodes and give you just enough energy to help you get going on the rest of the work that has to be done. Are you using any kind of treatment now – meds, therapy, meditation, anything? If you are, it sounds like it’s not working, and it’s time to try something different.

Another thing is talking to someone who can listen without judging or trying to tell you how to fix the problem. The more you can describe what you’re feeling – either by talking or writing – the more you can start to distance yourself from the depression and get a little breathing room. I have a couple of posts on how writing helps (talking to someone can work in the same way). Here’s one – and the other.

I know you can’t do much when you’re feeling as low as you are now. Talking to a psychiatrist about medication is one immediate step – though the meds themselves can take a while to work. If discussing things online helps, you’re welcome to add more through this comment space about what’s happening – or you can email me – or try one of the active depression forums online (Depression Forums, Depression Fallout, forums at PsychCentral – among many).

Unfortunately, nothing works for everybody. You can find several sites that provide the 10 best ways or top tips for all the phases of depression. A few of them might work for you – they’ve been fairly meaningless for me.

Do feel free to write again – to bitch or whatever – if that can help in any way.

All my best to you -

John

Writing to Recover Life from Depression

Why Depressed Men Leave – 1

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