About a year ago, I wrote a series of posts about my experience with the fantasies of a better life that often prompt depressed men to leave their families. You can find the first of those stories here, here and here. Those brief pieces tell only a small part of a long and troubling story. To stay in recovery I have to know more, and so I’m starting a new series of posts specifically about why men want to leave, how we change, where we want to go.
Of course, this story is not mine alone. I’ve been there with many other men, and we’ve all been cold company. Whether depressed men leave by walking out or by emotional withdrawal or aggressive rage and abuse, they go through a baffling transformation and provoke the most devastating crisis for those who love them most. My own experience has been bad enough, but I read the same story and worse online each day. The pain, confusion and desperation are always fresh, even though repeated hundreds of times in forum after forum.
– He won’t look at me anymore. – Whatever I do is wrong. – I can’t understand the anger when he comes home after work – and I haven’t done a single thing. – If I ask him what’s wrong, he goes into a rage. – He gets so abusive and blames me for everything he doesn’t like. – His rages scare me to death. – I don’t know who this man is anymore. – I can’t do anything right. – This is not the life I thought I was getting into. – I feel so small around him. – What have I done to make him so angry? – It’s all driving me crazy. – I can’t take much more of this. – What can I say? – What can I do? – Please help!
It’s one thing for me to blame depression for causing behavior that inflicts such pain. It’s another to get clear about exactly what I did in order to recognize it early and stop myself from repeating the same thing over and over again. To stay in recovery, I can’t focus only on what’s going on in my head but need to be able to face squarely the effects on those closest to me. Seeing what the reality has been for my wife and children in those dark periods makes it so much more urgent that I get to the bottom of what I have done.
Only in that way can I break the forces of mind and feeling underlying my hurtful words and actions. What was I thinking and feeling when I was isolating myself from my family emotionally, if not actually leaving? Why didn’t I see sooner what I was doing? When I did see part of it, why couldn’t I stop? What was changing deep down? I have to be able to answer these questions and a lot more so that I’ll be quick to recognize the problem if it begins again. If I do see it, I’ll have to know what to start doing to turn that mindset and behavior around. Recovery depends on alertness and action every day.
Here’s a quick overview of what I want to explore in this series. This is the way I’m seeing it through my analytical brain. I’m sure as I tell the stories each evokes, I’ll change and refine the picture I’m looking at now. It’s almost a model of how this state develops, and that means to me it’s far too neat. I’m separating each element from the real experience, but it is never so simple as this line-up might make it seem.
- Control and Denial. Whatever the internal crisis may have been, I had to keep it under a tight lid, hide it from everyone, including myself. Denial is a common word. What isn’t always clear is how much energy it takes both to keep inner turmoil under control and to keep it from getting too close to awareness. That took so much out of me, I was always tense and run down with the effort.
- Refusal. If there was nothing wrong with me, there was no need to talk about it. Every time my wife would try to engage me about what I was feeling, I refused to talk about it. I was genuinely angry at the suggestion that I had a problem. This behavior is frequently described, but what many miss is the sense of power men can get from holding back words. There is a perverse satisfaction in keeping others guessing, and the silence also prevents me from knowing more than I want to know. Strong and silent are paired for good reason.
- Isolation. Isolating from others doesn’t mean physical separation so much as creating distance while you’re with family, friends, everyone who’s close. I could do this by being angry or abusive, or by an emotional and mental disappearance in plain sight. On any given day, I could shift from one unmindful strategy to the other.
- Blame. Naturally, if there’s nothing wrong with me, the explanation for that hurt and turmoil buried within has its cause in someone or something else – family, job, city – probably the combination of it all. The feeling builds that the life I’m living is a trap that’s ruining my chances for happiness.
- The Cure. Since the problem comes from outside, I can also find the cure for it there. Everything will be better there, everything is hopeless here. So the yearning to leave and the fantasies that go with it get stronger all the time. Whether they’re acted on or not, the damage to others is already done.
This is what occurs to me now. How does it sound to you? What’s your experience like?
Image Credit: Some Rights Reserved by lepiaf.geo at Flickr
Valediction seems to be the way to avoid more pain. A way to lessen the burden on others. Anger is reserved for myself and those who won’t let me work or give my share. I was a successful hard-working, depressed guy who raised two exceptional children. No steady work for the last couple years has me looking for a change of scenery. I am insulted when i hear this is fantasy. Hell, even the 12 steppers have to leave the rut to break out. I am ready, willing and able to get out and do things but i have run into a part-time world. I have high expectations and feel a gig at Home Depot is akin to death. Death is more appealing as it is the release from pain and day to day frustration that afflicts me now. My life skills should be earning me a six figure income but i am considering subsistence farming because of the lack of employment. Depression isn’t helping and i don’t want to support the Pharma world. I am glad to have found you and will study your site with hopes of salvation or the steps which might lead there.
peace
Hi, Roland –
I’m glad you found the site but sorry to hear about the combination of depression and employment problems. It’s so terribly common to meet people who can’t get work at anything like their level of skill and experience. That in itself is a big cause of depression these days. Your situation is not at all like the fantasy escape idea that I refer to in several of these posts. It seems to me you’re not trying to escape anything but are looking straight in the eye of each problem you have to deal with. I wish you the best and hope you’ll stay in touch here.
John
i have spent the past our reading all these entries. i am sorry everyone has suffered so much but it helps to make me feel not so alone.
my boyfriend of nearly three years broke up with me about two months ago. we were living together and had just renewed our lease the month before and had visited his parents, too. out of the blue, he tells me he wants out, that he loves me more than anything but isn’t “in love” with me anymore. i ask him for a better reason because we had a great, solid relationship. we had three fights in three years (nothing vicious) and always did fun stuff together. we both love good food and traveling and funny shows and music. we had a good sex life, too.
he has been depressed his whole life, since he was about 10, he once told him. his father has it, his uncles have it. his father is also an alcoholic and is denial about other wrongdoings. anyway, my ex’s clinical depression returned in january of this year. he would come home from work and look so alone and sad and say, “i sometimes want to cry, and can’t physically cry.” it would make me feel so sad for him. i would hold him and rock him to sleep. i told him to get on meds and start seeing a therapist. he started taking anti-depressants in march but didn’t seek therapy until AFTER he broke up with me.
things were getting better once his meds took effect. i was a great girlfriend: i encouraged him to go out with his friends, do things solo and take a new job. i was always positive even though i had lost my job but was having a hard time finding a new one. i never asked him for monetary help the entire time we were together. i saved enough money and did a lot of freelance work to pay my portion of the rent and bills and create a nice home for him. i worked on my freelance projects and washed his dishes and folded his laundry and cooked most of the time.
anyway, it’s been more than two months. we broke our lease and i moved out first since he said i was going to drag my feet about it. i moped in front of him for a week after the breakup, trying to make sense of why i was essentially going to be on the street, without a home soon and no prospect of a home (i live in a major metro area in which it’s VERY hard to find an apartment unless you are financially solvent and have a job). after that week, my friends started taking me out for drinks and fun and i wore nice clothes and heels. he stayed up waiting for me each night to see if i would come home and how i looked. and after a week of this, of me sleeping on the couch, he asked me to come into the bedroom and cuddle. cuddling led to sex and we have been having unprotected sex on and off for the past two months. i believe i got pregnant and lost the baby pretty quickly because of the stress.
he is now living with a friend of his. he calls me or texts me and tells me, “i am lonely without you. i miss you. i just want to hear your voice.” i go over to his place EVERY time. i know it’s self destructive but i can’t stop myself. my birthday was a month ago and he made me a special dinner at his house, kicking out his roommate for two hours, so we could have a romantic dinner. he held my hand throughout the evening telling me how happy he was, how he didn’t want to be anywhere else, that it was perfect, that i looked beautiful, etc. we had probably the most transcendent sex of my life that night and the following morning. he was practically crying. i left thinking, what the hell just happened. and then i thought, “he wants to get back together.” of course, that dream came crashing down a few hours later when he was matter of fact in an email he sent me.
he also posted a profile on a dating site within two days of dumping me, looking for a long term relationship. he has gone on numerous dates with various women and told me, when i confronted him about it, that he will probably have sex with one of them this week, “if she let’s me.”
i have talked to family friends of his about him. they know about the family history of depression. they tell me it’s not me, it’s him, he is ill and thinks that drugs and yoga will cure him of this. i believe my ex thinks i am the cause of his depression coming back. i think he thinks that all of his emotional problems stem from me. i swear, i was a great girlfriend to him. i was loving, kind, supportive, never nagged him, always positive. he would worry that i would leave him for someone hotter, like a hollywood type but i always swore to him that i never would, that i would never cheat, that i would never stray, that only cheating and abuse would make me leave. he was very paranoid and insecure. now, i feel like the insecure one. the one who has to start over after three years. i am older than him and want to have a baby and i feel as if i have wasted three years on someone who once told me, of his own accord, that he wanted to marry me eventually, that he hoped i could be patient, but that i was the one. why did he tell me that after 10 months of dating when i didn’t ask it of him? i wasn’t picking out china patterns then. i was just happy to have found someone kind, smart, loving and honest. i thought i was the luckiest girl in the world and for two years, i was.
Hi, tracy –
I’m really sorry you’ve been going through this and that you’ve been treated so badly. As I’ve mentioned to others, your ex is doing something a lot of depressed men do – holding on to your love but in a double-edged way. He wants sex and the reliability of your feeling for him but refuses a full relationship. He won’t take responsibility for getting real treatment or for doing anything decisive. This fence-straddling may be common enough among men with this illness, but it is still manipulative and abusive behavior. I’m not altogether clear on the sequence, but it sounds like you’re still in the position of going to him every time he calls. I know the pull of such strong feeling, but you know it’s only hurting you. He’s not only blaming you for his depression but also putting on you a decision for a final break. Doubtless if you declared you’d had it and wouldn’t see him again, he’d try his hardest to lure you back. He has no incentive whatsoever to stop doing that. You mentioned that you told him, when he was testing the depth of your feelings for him, that only cheating and abuse would make you leave. If you could follow through on that – and you have ample reason – you could start to recover from the emotional damage he’s put you through. None of this is your fault, and I wouldn’t put all his actions on depression. It’s a terrible struggle you have to go through, but I hope you have the strength to do what’s best for you.
All my best to you —
John
thanks john. i really appreciate all that you’ve done on this site to help us women try to understand why the men who love push us away.
the sequence usually follows with him feeling low, most likely because a date hasn’t gone well, and calling me for comfort and love. because i still love him deeply and miss our physical closeness, i run to him. when we were in a relationship, i never felt insecure. i knew i had his love, that he had my back, that he adored me. now, i feel desperate. i know he’s dating other women. he has told me. he has told me he will be sleeping with them soon. it makes me want to vomit thinking about it. but i know he is not mentally ready for anything with anyone else. the man still has feelings for me and how can you start a real relationship on a rebound? i have gone on a few dates, just to date, but find no interest in the men. i compare them to him, and find them wanting. not because he is the best looking man in the world but because we had a connection from the get go. i would like to feel that again but i know i won’t for a long, long time. i’d just like to feel desired and wanted. i don’t feel very attractive even though the men i have casually dated have indicated they think i am. it doesn’t sink into my head at all.
i find it so hard to let go, especially since i have invested three years of my life into a relationship that i thought was going very well and was heading for marriage. i am older than my ex. and i am at the age when i need to make concrete decisions because i want a child and that window is closing. to think i have to start all over and find someone new who will love me and want to be with me for the rest of my life, fills me with dread. one, i am not ready for a real relationship and two, who knows if the next guy will stick around? this is part of the reason why i still run to him when he calls. i have a vague hope that he will figure it all out and come back. i know in my heart that won’t happen but i can’t stop thinking there is a possibility. he and i have never loved someone the way we loved each other. he has told me that. he also told me 10 months into our relationship that he wasn’t ready to get married and have kids yet, but that he was serious about me, that it was a foregone conclusion. that i just needed to be patient. i spent two more years with him with that promise in the back of my mind. now, where do i stand?
i was homeless because of him. i didn’t have money to find an apartment because of him. i didn’t have a job. i looked at women’s shelters as a living possibility because i was so desperate and the majority of my friends wouldn’t or couldn’t let me stay with them (not even on their couches). i was so lost, alone. i couldn’t tell my parents what was happening because they would have felt so ashamed and my father would have wanted to hurt him. when i think about how awful my life was two months ago, it makes me so unbelievably angry. because he caused all this. i got pregnant and lost the baby right away because of the stress. and now, i still can’t find a job and will have to leave the city i am in to move across country to save money and restart. it makes me sad to think i probably won’t ever see him again. maybe it’s good in the long run.
Hi, Tracy –
What I keep hoping as I read about the grief, anger and hurt you’re living with is that you don’t lose faith in yourself. After an experience like this, I can’t imagine anything being clear or looking very hopeful. One friend told me it took him 3 years to get over a divorce. Another was lost for 2 years before settling into life again. In my 20s I went through a breakup that took me several years to get over. The thing is that all 3 of us got into some form of treatment to deal with everything and sort our lives out. Family and friends offered a lot of support as well – though it took me a long time to admit the loss since I felt so ashamed about it. I would urge you to get some sort of counseling to help bring you back to a center line in your being when you need to find it again. Also I’ve never found it helpful to hold things back from my family. I wouldn’t prejudge their reactions. From what you say, the love and support they can offer would be most important for them and a help to you.
All my best — John
hi john,
it’s been many months since i last wrote and i wanted to give you an update on how i am doing.
i moved across country in february. the last time i saw my ex was right before i left. we met up and talked. i didn’t yell but i was very sad and matter of fact. he said he was sad i was leaving town, he couldn’t believe it, that seeing me and being with me was always emotional for him, that he couldn’t separate the physical from the emotional with me, that he wasn’t going to be dating anyone any longer, that he was going to be by himself for a while and try to get better and that he wouldn’t have a girlfriend for months and months, maybe a year. he also asked me if we were going to be able to be friends. i told him i didn’t know. at the time, i was trying to forgive him for everything he had put me through. i told him about the miscarriage although he accused me of having an abortion, which made me beyond angry and hurt. i told him how i had nobody to talk to about that, that i had needed him with me, to help me and hold me. anyway, i stayed over his apartment that night. we didn’t have sex, we just listened to music, drank some wine and held each other all night. it was very sad in the morning when we were saying goodbye. i wanted to cry and he looked as if he wanted to, too. but i left his apartment with a lighter heart.
a few hours later, my heart was heavy again as i found out he had been sleeping with at least one other person all the time he was having unprotected sex with me in the fall. i was devastated. not only had he gotten me pregnant but he could have possibly given me a disease. i immediately got checked and it was negative. but i was still so angry and hurt. how could someone you knew and loved for three years treat your health so abysmally? it was my life he was playing with!
i came to hate him again. even more so when i found out a month later that he had a new gf (not the girl he had been sleeping with last fall) that he was introducing to friends. it was a knife in the gut. she was a girl he had met online in february, the day i left town. i couldn’t believe he could say he still had feelings for me, that he needed to get over me before he got with anyone else and yet, he now had a new girlfriend (he hadn’t had a girlfriend for five years before he met me). i called him on the phone and let him have it. he denied it all and then hung up on me but he responded via email. it was so cold and callous and passive aggressive. as if we had only been casually dating for a month instead of being together for nearly three years, meeting each others’ families and living together for one. he even talked about the new gf. about how it was new and he liked her and blah blah blah.
i was suicidal, john. i called a hotline and the only thing that stopped me was thinking about how my family would suffer with my death.
i cut him out of my life. out of social media. then he retaliated by blocking me and my friends from him. as if my friends even knew he was still connected to them. the girl is his gf officially. her pictures are everywhere and from what two people have told me, she is the polar opposite of me. she is dumb, a bimbo, dresses and acts inappropriately and doesn’t fit in. they couldn’t believe he would date someone like that after me. but i guess that’s what he wants. i had to delete one of his friends, who i thought cared about me and who said as much, because she was posting photos of them all over the place and it was hurting me.
for months, i have cried myself to sleep. i haven’t been able to get out of bed some days. i have been a zombie, barely surviving. but in the past month, i have been much better. i have finally made a friend in my new city, started dating someone (very very casually) and have been thinking about myself instead of my ex. i have been applying for jobs back in my old town, where he lives, and overseas as well. i am hopeful that i will get something soon and have been trying to have fun, with my new friend and more importantly, on my own. losing the baby was the most horrific thing i have ever gone through. i think about that every day. but i also lost my job and my career was adversely affected. i am trying to get that back on track now that my frame of mind is better. i am not over him. not by a long shot. that will take a long time. i still think about him and have feelings for him. but i am trying not to think about him and this girl and am just trying to put one foot in front of the other and do what i have to do for MYSELF and not for anyone else. i have some travel plans for the fall, which have me very excited.
i just wanted to thank you for taking the time to listen to my story and help me. i really needed a male perspective that wasn’t emotionally invested. you do a great service. thank you for that. and to the poster below who said SSRIs can cause behavioral changes, thank you for that. i never had any idea. he definitely did a 180. a jekyll/hyde change. going from a great human being to a complete douche bag. it is all so tragic. none of this should have happened. if only he was more attuned to his feelings, we could have worked out the problems he was having. you don’t throw away a good relationship. i guess he wanted out and that was that. i have to live with it, no matter how hard it feels.
i do know i will never love someone this wholeheartedly again. i know i can love again and that someone amazing is out there for me. but i don’t think i can give my body and soul completely to someone. i need to guard my heart. i hope to find someone better someday. sooner rather than later. but thank you, john…
Hi, tracy –
Thanks for writing again – I hope it helps to get that difficult story down in words. I’m sure you get a lot of advice to move on and stop thinking about him, but, as you know, it doesn’t happen that way. Trying not to think of someone or something is a surefire way to keep them in mind. It takes a long period of grieving to get over such a painful experience, especially with the miscarriage and the deception and betrayal more than once. I just hope you can attend to your own well-being as you go through this.
All my best —
John
Actually, the strange behavior (no longer in love and dating many women) probably came from the SSRIs he began taking. There is anecdotal evidence of this all over the web.
I thought this would be something you could help provide some insight on, John. By the way, I am so glad to have stumbled upon your website. I’ve been really trying to understand depression as much as possible, perhaps just as a desperate reflex to dealing with the recent end of a relationship. The love of my life and I met through a work colleague and we fell in love very quickly. Things were well…..indescribably happy between us. One of those out of the blue relationships 🙂 but the past caught up with him as he had to deal with guilt from leaving his previous long time relationship just before me. We stayed in touch after the little break when he dealt with that aspect of his life and quickly fell back into the groove of us. However, his guilt and depression started to linger after feeling this major guilt episode so we kept together and committed to one another through nightly talks. We kept close but at a distance, you know? 8 months of this, yes 8. We were dying to see one another but his depression was still there and unresolved. We didn’t want to get back into us completely until that was done and over with so it would not interfere in our relationship ever again. However, he noticed himself spiralling downwards quite badly……until eventually this end of August he spoke to his doctor who freaked out on him and told him to immediately cut out the top 3 stressors of his life. He told me he worried about us, our future, worried about me being there for him when it’s not perhaps the best thing for me……god, I was crushed and I still am. I agreed that he needed to get better and if stopping communication/ the relationship entirely is what he needed, so be it. Up until now, I have stayed away and I worry about everything- whether he will ever come back, why I became a stressor and yet he can maintain his friendships with his friends…..I am working on focusing on work, etc…but anyways, it just really crushed me to know that his therapist recommended cutting me out. I understand that a person can’t be in a relationship if they are not well but yes, just another reason I suppose as to why they leave. Not because they want to (because my love didn’t want to and I think that’s why he resisted seeing his therapist sooner rather than later as I recommended)….but because they well, have to. I think it’s important for others to know. That some people leave not because they willingly choose to, but because that is what is ultimately needed for things to progress, for things to move forward either together or apart. I feel deep down we are just so connected after we envisioned the same future together. Life will happen as it does but it does provide some reassurance to learn about depression, and why our male partner may leave.
Hi Katherine,
Thanks for your reply, it’s nice to know girls like us aren’t alone at times like this…..Now, I’ve had a lot of time (4 months almost) but I do think about my situation and my ex (I hate this word) and have come to learn a few things after reading a lot on forums, other people’s advice and my own private thoughts which may help you. When my insecurities rise up from this and I feel that maybe he left because it was easy, that maybe it was not necessarily because of the depression, I remind myself of all his loving words and gestures. I read his love letters (well, emails) which number in the hundreds. I remember he is truly a loving, gentle and most wonderful man and that how he felt about me (hopefully still feels…) was very real and I should not second guess myself and those moments. I think it’s important to also come to terms that we are powerless. I mean, I have become confident in myself knowing that I did everything I possibly could and that ultimately this is something he must conquer alone. Having a relationship but being unable to provide is stressful and what my ex ultimately agreed with his therapist was that it was all “too much” for him to deal with. We have no ability to force anything (it’s how life is) and that things will happen as they are meant to. You can only hope and pray he is now able to devote his energy completely in getting better.
On one forum, someone wrote this which I found quite enlightening on one depressed man leaving his girlfriend:
This reader’s reply to the girlfriend who was left:
“This is a very responsible thing to do, for him to understand that girlfriends are NOT nurses, or miracle workers, or anti-depressants.
You should give him as long as he needs to get better.
When he’s ready, he’ll call you.
You need to find some other hobby besides him, or yourself. Get to know more people, you don’t necessarily have to date – but socialize. Don’t bar yourself from meeting new people and introducing new ideas and cultures in your life.
He’s helping himself – that’s not going to change until he gets better.
Help yourself by moving on…by the time you both get in touch again – maybe you’d have grown to understand and value each other better, or maybe you might have grown apart yet learned a valuable lesson about who you each are.”
When my mind goes crazy thinking of the worsts (that he is happier without me, etc)., I remember our deep love for one another, his love for me, I remember that I did as much as I could and that ultimately life will happen as it’s supposed to. Everything happens for a reason.
Or, as my ex has said to me during our previous time apart,
“….have faith that no matter what, the best things will always prevail if you do everything with the best intentions.”
I hope you find confidence and peace in what you’ve done and enjoy the holidays too. Stay well,
Melissa
Hi, Katherine –
Sorry to take so long to reply, but I wanted to read through all your entries first. I am glad to hear that writing the story down and hearing what others are going through is helpful in the midst of such a terrible time. There is always a painful tension between a few guiding ideas you “know” – like the need to take care of yourself and the responsibility of the one with depression to take care of his own treatment – and the torture of living through the intense pain of such loss. I think one of the worst things is realizing how powerless you are to change what is happening. It’s so hard to believe that the bond you thought was so strong doesn’t seem to matter much, that you can’t appeal to the love he once had for you to pull him back on track.
You see how impossible his behavior is – at one point you said he was acting like a disturbed teenager looking for attention. That seems like part of it, and depression explains a lot more. If the illness is so severe that he’s lost the power of independent judgment, then he needs emergency care to stabilize. But it doesn’t sound quite like that. Illness can’t relieve him of responsibility for what he’s been doing and how he’s treated you. There’s a mixture of depression, manipulation and emotional abusiveness. It’s very common for depressed men – (I’m sure it’s not restricted to men but these are the stories I hear most often) – to wait for partners and ex’s to make decisions for them – to avoid any action or decision with finality and to hold on as long as possible to those who want most to support him. He might easily begin another round of trying to draw on your support as he finds things are not changing where he is now.
It’s also common for depressed men to blame their partners for everything that’s gone wrong. You’ll probably just have to accept the fact that no amount of space or time will lead him to understand what the truth is and how you’ve been trying to help. I would say he’s not serious about getting the type of help he really needs from professional mental health providers. He hasn’t yet begun to recognize his illness and that he can’t get better through manipulative behavior. Unless I missed something, you haven’t said anything about treatment. It’s not up to you to persuade him to get it – and it’s definitely not your responsibility to make sure he stays with it. But until he makes a serious commitment to do this, I don’t see how you can expect anything to change.
All this is so hard – and advice is easy to give. If he looks to you again, telling him about your own emotional limits and the hurt he’s inflicted on you would be the best thing. As Anne Sheffield says in Depression Fallout (a good book for you to read, by the way), drawing a line about what you’ll accept and won’t is one of the important things you can do for yourself. So is getting your own support – perhaps with a therapist – to guide you through this.
All my best to you —
John
Hi, Melissa –
I think you’ve come out of a tough time in a good place. I’d agree that you’re powerless in the sense that you cannot hurry up his healing and that you can’t be his nurse. It’s good to hear that you feel accepting of the situation and seem to feel some tranquility about it – though I’m sure you have your up days and down ones. Whether or not he had to leave to deal with his depression, however, is more of a question for me. Of course, I can’t know any more about his state of mind and feelings than you mention, but leaving is a common thing among men who resist treatment – and your ex seems to have put it off until he felt almost out of control. To me, leaving a good relationship is another way of isolating yourself, and that may do more to deepen than resolve depression. As much as I urge getting professional help, I have to say I’m really puzzled by the therapist’s recommendation. I guess I’m not so clear on why a good relationship would stress him so much, but even if it did, the relationship didn’t cause the depression. It seems strange to me that a therapist would urge him to get out of it as a first line treatment strategy. Every relationship is stressed by depression, some to the breaking point. That’s a given. But I can’t believe that ending this one will help him get beyond a severe depressive episode any sooner. The reality is that he has a recurrent condition and is likely to have further episodes after this one is resolved – though hopefully not for a long time. However, leaving a loving partner isn’t going to be the answer in the future, any more than now.
I’m probably way off base since these things don’t follow any rules, but those are my thoughts for what they’re worth.
The most important thing is that you feel OK about yourself and able to face whatever comes.
John
Thank your for your reply to Melissa,
My husband and I have been married for 37 years. I have been struggling with my husband’s depression for a while. Luckily, he has agreed to seek professional help for his condition and he is working on it. However, he still seems to have urge to isolate himself by saying, ” I need time and space to think clearly by myself. ” However, he does not seem to know what it is, but confused. His therapist has convinced him not to do anything for now. He appeared to have agreed with him. I am scared, but hopeful that his therapist will help him to reach the bottom of his condition and treat him. I want to see him happy again (of course with me).
Thanks,
You have just summed up everything that I have been going through! I hope life is being good to you. Take care, Melissa
Hi John,
You have no idea how much you have helped me already. I do have a few questions I’d like to ask you
regarding my situation.
If you find a moment can you e-mail me? I’m getting to a better place in my life, but would love your
help for more closure.
Thanks again for what you have already given me.
Gina
Hi, Gina –
I’m glad these posts have been helpful to you. Why don’t you send me an email at the address I’ve given here – john@storiedmind.com.
Look forward to hearing from you – but please be patient about a response!
John
I read this stuff all over and everytine I do the one thing that pops into my head over and over is…i wish i could get my partner to read this…but from what everyone says it wouldn’t make any dofference as depressed people cannot follow the logic of the discussion…is that true?
Hi, Karen –
No, I don’t believe that depression prevents you from following the logic of the discussion, if logic is the right word. It’s more likely that when you’re depressed you can’t believe that what you’re reading could help you. Or you might simply deny that depression is the problem, so whatever is being said doesn’t apply to you. Depressive thinking is reliably negative but reflects inner belief, not just the logical flow of thought. As with treatment, there really isn’t a single pattern.
John
I have been married 24 years only to find out that my husband had an affair which resulted in a child that is now 12 years old. I found at his mother’s funeral.
All this coming to fruiticion at once has gotten him into a deep depression.
He has now left the house and calls all the time. But at the same time he is acting quite distant. I really cant understand any of this and I am quite confused to say the least.
I am trying to be supportive but I know that I too must carrying on with my own life, since I believe I was living a lie for so long, when everyone new what was going on about him having this child and I was in the dark about the whole situation.
Sometimes I think it would be better just let this marriage go and start and focus entirely on myself.
So confussed, I dont know where to start.
Hi, Estdel –
I should think you’d be the more likely candidate for depression than your husband after these shocks. This is such a painful and humiliating betrayal. You’re right that you must carry on with your own life. If I were in your position, I would seek out therapy simply to get an objective and professional view for what you’re going through. A great many therapists work with people to handle terrible situations like this – you definitely don’t need a diagnosed disorder.
My best to you –
John
Hi Liz,
Thanks for taking the time to tell me your story. I’m so sorry it’s be so hard.
Like you say it’s very hard to walk away from someone when you love someone unconditionally. I feel my ex has some very deep rooted problems that date back to years ago, he also has an older brother who attempted suicide last year so it’s not a straight forward situation. It’s the only time in my love I can ever imagine loving someone who has treated me the way he has over the past few weeks and still believing that I am right in the face of him saying I don’t love you. I do truly believe he is seriously depressed and that this has clouded his judgement. Like everyone says it is only his choice to address this though and recognise his problem and I simply don’t know if this will happen.
I do keep a little bit of hope though as this is all so far removed from the man I met, whose problem is he feels too much. I do hope he gets some perspective whether from medication of a psychologist, but I simply don’t know. What is clear is life with a depressive is horribly difficult and I would need to be significantly stronger than I am now to deal with this were he to come back and that is my immediate focus in this hellish situation.
I wish I didn’t love him so much but unfortunately I do…..
Thanks,
Sarah
Hi Sarah — I can go on and on about my journey with my DP. If you search Storied Mind, I have commented a number of times of the past 2 years which will give you a good indication of what I went thru. In any case, I’ll give you a quick synopsis. My DP has battled anxiety and depression almost his entire life. It goes deep…very, very deep. It runs in his family and is evident in his childhood experiences such as moving over 10 to 15 times as a child. So he has learned to cope – sometimes better than others. His coping mechanism is to be by himself. Not count on any one and try to live his life. He can get obsessive over things and get caught up in habits that become that make him very self-involved. He is never abusive to me or purposely mean in his actions when it comes to our relationship. There has always been a mutual respect for each other. If I was treated like what you mention or what Rhia stated, I would have walked away. But our mutual respect for each other didn’t lessen the blow of emotional and physical withdrawal. It was and still is the most devastating thing I have ever been thru. We separated from time to time sometimes 2 months…sometimes a bit longer. However, I kept communicating with him even when it was a super dark time for him. I reminded him how special he was to himself and to me. I was honest in how he hurt me but understanding at the same time. I always told him how I loved him unconditionally. We are each other’s best friends. It’s not perfect. I know it won’t ever be. I hope he is in my life forever but we live each day as its own entity and not discuss the future too much when it relates directly to us. It creates a bit of anxiety within me as I know what I want and I’m not sure he will ever know what he wants. I may be a little older than the both of you so I have had my children from a previous marriage so that is not a consideration for me. MY only focus is on him and our relationship. Nurturing and loving every single day. We are good together. He knows it. So I just keep on…and hope for the best. So far so good for the past 9 months. I wish you the best.
Hi Rhia,
Thanks for your reply to me. It really sounds like you had a dreadful time of it. I guess the difficult thing for me is that up until the last few weeks my ex showed his depression by being so low and tearful and isolating himself. He has never had anger or shouted at me. I think what has been so overwhelming is the change from someone who is essentially ‘weak’ to a cold and callous man who I simply don’t recognise. i do think you are right though in that you have to be careful what you wish for and a life with a depressive is not what anyone would choose…however, I’m sure in the same way you think this, you can’t choose who you love and unfortunately we fell in love with men who were sick….. Only time will tell for us all in this horrible predicament what will happen but I do think it’s important that we get ourselves back to the positive and happy women we were at the start of these relationships so that whatever the future is with or without our depressed ex’s coming back we are in a better place ourselves…..
Sarah
Sarah
Thanks Liz….yes indeed it’s been a very tough journey for me. I can feel the turmoil and pain in Sarah’s words and it reminds me of the darkness that surrounded me over a year back. My love for myself and the selfless love of my friends…including my ex’s friends….and my family….have helped me survive what I can definitely say was the most painful and traumatic days of my life. As Sarah says…the change was very sudden for me too and to add to my situation I was overseas and felt more helpless. He not only left me…but he left the city to go back to his town. I didn’t know what to do. Anyway…it has made me stronger but it has left an indelible mark on me…I am not a cynic…but I feel exhausted from fighting to forget my love for him. My meditation teacher has been instrumental in my recovery…and I know one day I will be fine….at the moment…still baby steps. I am a very emotional person and feel things a little more than others I guess. I didn’t even get to choose my future – I probably would have stayed with him. My father is bipolar and I am conditioned to dealing with tough situations. However, my ex called me a ‘psycho’ and tried to kick me out of the house at 4am in the morning. That was the lowest point in my life….and I really don’t know how I survived that..but I did…and here I am…better than before…more successful that before….hurting less than before. I still feel one day my ex will return but I am not waiting anymore. To feel so detached from a person I loved so much is painful. It’s been the biggest loss of my life so far. I even sent links to this website and depression related sites to my ex after our breakup – I was petrified he would verbally abuse me but instead he thanked me – took me by surprise. I did the same mistakes a lot of girls make – called him when I couldn’t breath any longer – and he verbally lashed out – even when I told him all I wanted was to listen to his voice. He said that was a ridiculous wish when I knew he would insult me. He has since then interrogated me about my dating life, bad mouthed me to his friends who can see through him and even gone to the extent of telling me he was enjoying ‘random sex’ with girls who were better in bed than me. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He then blocked me on facebook even though he was the one checking up on me every day – even went to the extent of going off at me on my profile page a few seconds before his b’day out of the blue – in full view of all our mutual friends! He demanded I delete mutual friends since they were ‘his’ friends. When I mentioned this to one of ‘his’ friends to explain why I was about to delete him, he was adament and stopped me – told me he had no right to dictate who I was friends with. All his things were at my place for over 4 months – I didn’t harm anything – but he still wouldn’t return the money he owed me – said it was ‘insurance’ in case I decided to damage anything. I can’t believe how much he mistrusted me after I gave 200% – even got him jobs and did his job applications.He befriended his ex who had dumped him and had cheated on him. It was like I was his enemy. I guess the reason is because I reached out to his parents for help right at the beginning when I was still waking up to what was happening – he sees this as a betrayal – that I had dobbed him in. I have explained so many times that I was desperately trying to help him but he doesn’t see it that way. I still have questions that will probably never be answered…about why he hurt someone whose only mistake was to love and protect him…..but I know I cannot fight depression…and certainly not a depressed alcoholic.
Sarah – I really think my ex did me a favour by pushing me away. He treated his dog better than me when he was depressed. Do you want that for yourself? As Liz says – do think hard about what you want from life and remember if you decide to remain with him you’ll have to be very strong….and you will have to take care of yourself first and foremost. He is in a lot of pain…but you are important to yourself and your family & friends….so do put yourself first.
Hi Rhia & Liz,
Found your posts really helpful…this forum really has been amazing in keeping my sanity.
It is reassuring to know that you aren’t alone and the behaviour of your partner / ex is (unfortunately) all too common when depression is present. For me the hardest thing is the change in him…he is very sensitive, in fact too sensitive in some ways, I spent the last 6 months with him being very tearful (crying in the street on one occasion – this man is a former international rugby player, something of a shock to see!), low, morose. He didn’t really want to see his friends and essentially it has just been the two of us for the past few months and that intensity makes this all the harder again.
Liz – you mention that you have been through this a few times with your partner for which I am dreadfully sorry. Whilst I have to be realistic that I may never have my ex back, unfortunately, depression or not, I do still hold some degree of hope. Did you get to the point where you partner was saying he didn’t love you and then left? What happened that ever changed this? I feel like my ex has just totally shut down and puts on a frightening facade with friends / work. One of his friends bumped into him recently and said you wouldn’t have a clue he had just broken up with his girlfriend….. he doesn’t act all happy by any stretch but equally just shuts down any connection with his emotional side so nobody has a clue. I suspect he does feel a false sense of relief that a ‘burden’ has been lifted for him but clearly as we all know he isn’t understanding the reality of his problems. He is going to see a psychologist but this is as far as I know. Would be interested to hear your own experience if that is okay?
Above all trying to tell myself I must look after myself…hard when you have spent so long looking after someone else.
Thanks Sarah
Why do we allow our partner’s to love us any less than we love ourselves? That is what I battle with every day being in a relationship with a depressed partner. I love him with all of my heart and soul and no matter how good it may be — and gratefully right now it’s good — I know that b/c of his upbringing and his chronic depression he can’t love me in the same way or as deeply as I do. It’s all a choice…to stay or to go. I have chosen to stay. I have been thru all that Rhia and Sarah have experienced. I find a common thread in all partner’s of the depressed. It’s emotional and physical abandonment at its deepest level and it can be devastating…I know as I have been thru it a few times with my partner over the past 4 years. Today we are good but I am always on the lookout for signs…signs of happiness and signs of the depression. It’s not fun sometimes but it’s the choice I’ve made for the man I love. Each of you have to make the choice that is right for you. But I do say this…and John has said this to me many times…take care of yourself first. And, make sure your partner loves you as you love yourself.
So true what you say about forming superficial friendships and putting blame on your partner for how one is feeling, John! My ex did the same to me – as I say – I was his dartboard. He told me I was the reason his life was a mess…that he was an alcoholic. Even his mother lashed out when I mentioned this – ‘don’t let him blame you for his alcoholism’ she told me. And you are spot on about seeking therapy. When I was a complete mess…I started seeing my meditation teacher…it was more counselling but boy did it ease my pain and confusion. He was a god sent to me at that point.
When I read Sarah’s post I went ‘oh no that sounds like what I went through’. My feelings were mirrored in her words. I still question how I could have loved such a monster..and still do…!! But he wasn’t a monster when I met him…he was sweet and lovely….and then my world came crashing down and he was a stranger to me…not the person I knew. I felt like I was treading on egg shells round him…had to measure what I said. This was the same person I felt so at home with…never had to think before I spoke…and there I was wondering how he’d react to this and how he would react to that!!
It is so sad to love such a person….knowing that the lovely person is still in there somewhere but we are helpless and cannot do anything to bring that person back.
I still wait for him to come to his senses…..and maybe come back to me. Maybe one day……
Hi John,
Thanks for your reply, it has been helpful during such an awful time.
I think you are right though that his depression has had a huge impact on me, the madness of it, the speed at which it has got to such a bad point and how it has left me feeling in terms of doubting myself. The other thing I find very frustrating is the sense that other people don’t understand or don’t have the insight I have, especially his friends and family who seem to think he had made some ‘positive’ steps as he’s got a fitness plan together and mentioned seeing a psychologist this week but are much more focused on dealing with issues than depression. I find it hard to hear what a ‘nice’ guy he is when the depressed reality for me is so very far from this….
I noticed he had removed all photos from facebook yesterday…I thought this was very telling as I had to ask him to remove photos of his ex from facebook which he was oblivious were still there but for me it’s like erasing me is of paramount importance. Leaves me feeling very low about myself.
I suppose the fear as well is that he just goes on and finds someone and then suddenly everything is well for him….my mum (who is a doctor) has told me it is unlikely someone who loves isolation so much is going to want anyone near him, and if in the future he does meet someone it will be a disaster and they will leave long before i did. Not sure if that is any consolation though.
All so very damaging and I just hope for a day when I don’t have the horrible vivid dreams about it all….
Thanks again for taking the time to reply,
Sarah
Hi,
Hoping for some advice. I have read through all the above comments which have been very helpful for me.
I have been in a relationship for a year and half with a man I fell head over heals in love with. Relationship was great from start he was very keen and moved things forward in terms of our parents meeting, discussing living together etc. I new he had previously been on anti-Ds following a combination of giving up a professional career in sport and end of a very bad relationship (emotionally abusive from her). After about a year of blissfulness his mood started to go down, he had always had a problem sleeping but was getting increasingly tired. Then one day he admitted he was feeling low, no confidence, scared of everything and was very tearful. He said he needed some space, but didn’t want to break up. I was totally taken aback but gave him space. The next 6 months were very tough…he missed me and was quickly back in contact but was very low, morose and tearful at times (whilst always maintaining facade with everyone else). He went to GP was given anti-Ds but these didn’t initially work, was then put on another type and finally after months I noticed a really difference and it was like he was coming back…. Having thought we had turned a corner I then came down one morning to see him low and morose again, discovered he had just stopped taking the anti-Ds doesn’t know why. I was gutted, pushed for him to go back to GP, never did. Just watched him getting lower. Following weekend we had a bit emotional blow out, started by me as I feel so insecure as he was withdrawing again and having literally kept his head above water for 6 months I thought we were going to go through it again. He was being irrational….saying he loves me but why can’t he express his feelings / want to spend every second with me. Tried to reason with him but to no avail. We then had another week’s break and then I persuaded him to meet me. When I saw him he was like another man like something had emotionally died in him. Said he loved me but has doubts if he can’t say how he feels, needs to be alone and doesn’t know if he would want to come back to relationship…he was cold and distant, never apologised. I was absolutely broken. 3 weeks then passed with no contact then he came to see me. Again he was like a different man so cold and withdrawn said with time apart he has realised he doesn’t love me and in fact the pressure he was feeling about things was a pressure to feel that he loves me…I couldn’t believe it, like he was transferring everything to me. I told him he was wrong and asked if he could feel emotion about anything to which he said no…. He never said sorry, in no way considered my feelings, just so cold.
I have been left absolutely broken and on the verge of depression myself. I fell in love with this and had a brilliant relationship and now I hardly recognise him and don’t know what to think. His close friends know he has some ‘issues’ to deal with but he has a frightening facade and I truly don’t think they understand the depth of his problems….
Don’t know how to move forward and how to stop hoping he ‘wakes’ up….
S
Hi, Sarah –
This is so hard – I really feel for you in the middle of this nightmare. All the coldness, emptiness, inability to feel – that’s one of the defining symptoms of depression. I found – though this isn’t true for everyone – that antidepressants made that worse, though they may have taken the edge off the deepest depressed mood. In that state, I felt completely detached and oblivious to the needs of my wife. It’s a bad time to make big decisions since it’s hard to get your brain clear in depression, and you have the tendency to withdraw from all close relationships. I think the most intimate relationships are the hardest to deal with and the first to want to get away from. It’s far easier at those times to have superficial friendships and put the blame on your partner for what you’re feeling.
You’re right – he’s not rational. And that’s why it doesn’t help much to try to reason with him. I think you’re in a good spot in looking at your own need to move forward and stop hoping for a turnaround that may never occur.
I strongly suggest you look into some form of therapy or counseling. You don’t need to have a diagnosis or suffer from any mood disorder to get a lot out of seeing someone. Most therapists and counselors are there to help you look more clearly at what’s going on than perhaps you can and help you focus on how to find your way through this. They can help you get some distance from the impact of his depression and give you some ideas on what to do for the sake of your emotional health and independence.
I hope you’ll let us know how this works out for you.
My best —
John
Hi Marlo,
I feel for you and I wish you weren’t in this state of confusion – wondering if he still loves you and if he will come back to you once he can see clearly. I had the same questions…and I guess my questions are still there….just that I’ve learnt or rather been forced to learn how to live with them. I still love my ex and I still feel betrayed by him but time is healing me. I do understand that I cannot blame or be angry at him for his predicament but when one’s heart is breaking to pieces it’s a bit difficult not to be angry at the instigator. I guess I blame circumstances and fate too for pushing us into a situation where he pushed me away. To answer you question about whether they do push loved ones away – yes they do. I remember trying desperately to help him…I remember his mother’s efforts…and his close friends efforts…and he pushed us all away….he lashed out saying ‘I can take care of myself’. I put it down to the ego…being a man he didn’t want people to view him as helpless…that affected his self esteem….maybe made him feel less of a man. So I pulled away…..but then there wasn’t much more I could have done…..he had brutally pushed me away….in his anger he had bruised me…he was a monster to me. But I knew it was his depression speaking…that wasn’t this beast. As I mention in my earlier post, my meditation teacher told me to exercise ‘tough love’. He told me to leave him to get back on his feet – this would engender in him a confidence in himself – the confidence he lacked since everytime he had a problem someone would help him out. He was a very lovable person and so he was surrounded by well wishers. You notice I speak in past tense – that is because it’s been 1.5 years since we broke up and over 6 months since our last contact. I don’t know him anymore and it hurts. To be cut off from someone’s life when you were their life at one point hurts like hell – specially when I had done nothing wrong but love and take care of him. People in such situations also need the time and space to clear their cobwebs up.- to address their confusion about why they are feeling the way they are. It can be a terribly disturbing time – and they can be misunderstood making their confusion worse. I for one have gone through circumstantial depression – we all do from failure or loss. But I always bounce back like the rest of us – so I thought he would too – snap out of it. But it doesn’t happen like that for some. I thought at times that he was using his depression as an excuse for his failures and would lash out – I was hurting too. And this didn’t of course help matters. I have apologised for that – explaining I didn’t know where he was coming from. What I am trying to say is sometimes it’s best to let them be instead of adding our pain to their confusion – or allowing them to watch how they are hurting us – since that can make their pain worse – the feeling that they can do no right – that they mess up everything in their life. My ex told me he was being cruel to me to be kind – in other words he was pushing me away for my own good. He didn’t listen to my protestations – that I am strong enough for the two of us – he didn’t give me the credit and that certainly hurts – that he didn’t give me the opportunity to show him how strong I could be for us. But the point remains that they can often hurt the people they love the most and are closest to them the worst. And I was his dart board – the scapegoat for everything that was going wrong with him. Such was his verbal abuse and rage towards me that I nearly went over the edge myself due to the confusion and shock seeing this 360 degrees change in the person I loved so much. I’ve faced a lot of adversities in my life and pride my strength – so when I nearly went into that state of mind I had to pull away for my own sanity – then again he was the one to break up with me but being the ‘never give up’ types I tried and tried to win him back – hoping the fact that I was giving him space and treating him gently would bring him back to me – but no – the more I was nice the more intense the verbal abuse and his ire towards me became. He accused me of ‘playing the victim’ and making him look like the villain – such was his twisted vision. Your man sounds in a far worse condition than my ex was. To be able to take care of someone in this state one has to take care of themselves first. So please take care of yourself. And remember if someone doesn’t take your helping hand…keeps slapping it away…it’s best to leave them alone. As for love – hate is just another face of love. Indifference – now that is the opposite of love. But then again…we cannot really relate to a person in the depths of depression and assess their reactions according to how we would have responded in a similar situation. I will say one thing – and this is what I have told myself so many times – if it is meant to be it will be but there’s no use pushing. I know it’s a cliché but it’s true. It’s a great thing your man recognises his situation and is seeking help – that’s a huge step. My ex confessed to me – and that too after the breakup – when I confronted him seeing terrible facebook status updates. He confessed that he was depressed and that’s why he didn’t want to hurt people close to him. He called himself a loser and asked me why I cared for him. So can you see the pattern here – he pulls away so as not to hurt others. But he wouldn’t seek help since he had no faith in counsellors. I don’t know what he’s doing now. And if you read the other posts here you will find this a common theme. They don’t understand that by pulling away they are hurting the people who love them. To them it’s an act of kindness. Lastly I will tell you something that my meditation teacher told me in our very first session – I was a mess at that time – asking the same questions you are asking – especially about his love for me though he kept telling me it’s over. My meditation teacher told me ‘how can he love you when he doesn’t even love himself?’……simple….but astoundingly true. My ex didn’t love himself….how could he give me any. To love others we have to love ourselves. Hope this helps you. I know it’s terribly tough and confusing for you….these times. I found immense strength from forums like these – found solace in realising I am not the only one. This forum actually opened my eyes and when I read other people’s posts and John’s posts I found a bit of peace….I calmed down and in a way realised it was futile fighting something out of my control.
Take care!!
***Some important fatcs about my ex*** That may help you offer me some advice…
There has been so he says 2 suicide attempts..:last one being about 2yrs ago.
He stated that he is seeing two docs…one for his meds he sated hes been back on since about 1st of March…as well as his psychologist…Although he stated in April meds arent working and he doesnt feel like hes improved….
He tells me he is very volitile and to stay away…
He has told me that hes been in a mental hosp with each suicide attempt…last time about 6wks
He has neer shown any anger,agression nor been physical with me. In fact hes very gentle,guiet and all….I guess I dont know whats the truth however if hes telling me this why would he if it wasnt the truth…
He has asked me on a few occasions to not give up on him and that he hopes I dont loose faith in him..
He has told me a few months back that he has a plan on how he would commit suicide and has nightmares about actually doing it. He has stated that he is fine with me however there are times that his mind wonders and thats why he leaves. He says he wants a normal dating relationship with me and wants to do so many things…I guess I wonderif there is more going on here that I realize and I saw it 6 wks ago and thats why hes really really pulled back w me this time….
Hello all,
WOw so many of these stories are the same as what ive been going through. Ill give you brief history here. Met my boyfriend on-line the beginning of Jan.2011. We hit it off,fell in love he told me a month into our relationship he was diagnosed w/major depression about 5yrs ago after the death of his Mother. Its been a rollercoaster this entire time and periods of not seeing eachother like a week to three inbetween visits always maintaing some kind of contact like texts etc…He has said he wants to get better so he can love me like I deserve to be loved etc etc all the usual stuff. He stated both of his wives cheated on him and the second marraige he shouldnt have gotten into that he rushed it was a mistate but still being nice to her…Hes been in the Navy for almost 23yrs and started the process in May of deciding on retirement of going to apan for 3yrs…Maybe this is why this episode has been so terrible between him and I. I have not seen him since about mid to late may when I went to see him. One thing led to another and it wasnt a argument no yelling,screaming,name calling like that however I think i saw for myself that this may not be just plain depression maybe some psychosis involved-delusions or something…He looked down at floor and made statement out of blue that I appearantly sent him a text a couple months prior that I was on my way up to his house to kill him. I dont know if he was saying this kidding but needless to say i was shocked and said”are you f-ing kidding me?” ANd he said no…Well of course id never send text like that to him or anyone so im wondering if this is the reason he has really pulled away from me this time? He is deciding on retirement as well so may be combination of things not sure. He has said this month and a half to move forward that hes trying to do that to and i think he may mean move on…He has said that beofre but came back those times…I know this man cares deeply for me as he sates…said he has such deep feelings for me that it scares him…hes afraid of heartbreak. I will pull away and give him little space but will stay connected to let him know I care and support him. I told him this week that I will never leave him and will always be here. The one things I have changed is that I can see he isnt ready for a relationship so I have accepted what he has told me in a round about way that this relationship is over…dont know if it really is but I act like I accept it.I want to keep doors open with no pressure. Well Iw as very nice lastnight told him im sorry bout what happened at his days house and my mistatkes along the way. I said I cant change things but id like to be friends and that I realized ive lost him so im not scared to tell him anything nor come up there and drag him out as his friend. I told him this is unhealthy and i cant just sit here and watch this. Im trying to back off but leave door open cause I know he cares. Guess my question is: Does depression and maybe seeing what I saw make a man push away someone they care for? I think he may be embarrassed that I saw this depressive episode that night…DO they really want to be alone and if so why? Can they still love you and care but tell you its over? ANy insight will be helpful…Im doing ok but needs friends and advice…thank you
It is now exactly a month later and unfortunately I had to ask him to leave. I had to in order to keep my sanity and to have a peaceful house for my children to live in. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this separation will make him take a look at himself and hopefully get some help. But…..it seems that so far after nearly three weeks, he still blames me for not keeping the house clean enough and it drives him nuts. I am the blame for him being so miserable not any other thing that may have happened to him in the past. I am in counselling to help me through this. Funny thing is, now I am the person with the problem and he left….changed the story to suit his needs I guess.
Hi, Kim –
I’m sorry things have turned out this way, but he clearly doesn’t want to look at himself at all. That sort of anger and blaming obviously have nothing to do with you. I think it’s good you have support through counseling – taking care of yourself after living with this sort of treatment doesn’t mean you have a problem. Anyone on the receiving end of abusive behavior needs to deal with the impact.
My best to you — John
Omg! Too funny! Not in a serious “ha ha” kind of funniness but more like “so I really didn’t imagine my ex doing this exact thing to me recently!”.
Long story short-he let other people support him while he tried to find a job. Well he wasn’t ever looking for one because sitting on his ass like he was special and working at a job that wasn’t the sweet laid back job he wanted was not good enough for him. I was pregnant and spending all my time with my best friend and started staying there with my daughter for days at a time because every time I saw him he treated me like I caused him to not be able to look for work because he had to help with the kids and insisted on doing things for me (as I was pregnant) that he believed I was unable to do for myself. My daughter was from my first marriage and I can tell you that my ex husband was lazy and didn’t do ANYTHING ever to help me and I managed just fine then and have come to appreciate that he at least didn’t blame me for his not wanting to do anything.
Well had baby number 2 and he was supposed to have paid for the cost of the birthing center and my midwife, but blames me for telling him exactly how to arrange that or when and what to pay. And my parents ended up telling me that I could come home and I warned him that if I left him it would be for good because I don’t do make up break up games and then packed my stuff up and I left. As I was leaving he lied to his mother telling her that it was his idea for me to move out because he needed to focus in work. His idea!?!?!? Hahaahaha. Now he claims I’m preventing him from seeing his son? He doesn’t drive down unless he thinks he can maybe get lucky with me or I have something that benefit him-gas money or something. But he won’t take the initiative himself and suffer a loss to see him. It’s been 4 months and he has visited only twice and spent the visit lecturing me. My son has a dad in his life and doesn’t really need one that could benefit greatly from a kick in the pants but I think it’s sad that he is too proud to take a good look at his life and accept he had control of it all along and it’s no ones problem but his own.
My husband and I will be married for a year come this January 9th, 2010. He will not get help for his depression and it is ruining our marriage. He isolates himself from us, is sarcastic, mean and then out of the blue he is this Mr. Joking around guy. It is like a rollercoaster. Our counsellor told him that he needs to get tested for ADHD but he still hasn’t. Guess it is easier to blame me or the kids for his problems. He lives in the past and can’t let go of his old lifestyle. The big house, toys and freedom to come and go as he pleased. He was married for 23 years and she left him with their four kids. You would think that he would have worked on himself…..not! I am losing him and don’t know what to do, he can’t snap out of his state of mind. Not happy, doesn’t want to live like this…going to do something about it…..hepl….advice please.
Hi, Kim –
I’m sorry you have to go through this. Living with someone who won’t get help is one of the hardest problems to deal with. His behavior is typical – I used to put my wife through a similar rollercoaster experience. She gave me the wake-up call by demanding that I get help – but she did that by showing me the terrible effect I was having on her, pushing her into depression and wearing her down. It wasn’t an arbitrary or angry demand, and it showed me the damage I was inflicting on her and our children. Even though I could protest, it’s not about you – she had to live with the behavior. Talking with your husband in a supportive way, while making clear your own limits in living like this, might wake him up too. Sometimes parents or siblings can help with this as well. That’s about all you can do because he’s the one who has to get serious about working on his problems.
My best to you –
John
thats nice and all but what am I supposed to do…. a car needs gas to run and for me its the same way. If someones depression is so crippling they cant muster the energy to move more than 3 fingers to bitch online and futilely look for help on google, i dont see how any of this helps…
What can jump start your motivation
what can guide u thru the sadness and convince your muscles that there is a point to contracting and moving your useless lump of meat from A to B.
i dunno
Hello, anon –
I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed, and I only wish there were a simple answer I could give you about getting your motivation and your body moving again. This site tells about what I went through for decades before I could start getting my life back – and also the things I’ve done to recover. My advice comes from my experience. That’s all I really know. The first big step for me was waking up one day and realizing that waiting for medications – or the latest treatment fad – to take care of the problem wasn’t working and never would. Meds can definitely help (it took me about 15 years of trial and error to find the right ones), but I had to put together many treatments, including writing this blog and corresponding with people online who have gone through similar torture.
In a desperate time, medication can be important to take the edge off the worst symptoms and episodes and give you just enough energy to help you get going on the rest of the work that has to be done. Are you using any kind of treatment now – meds, therapy, meditation, anything? If you are, it sounds like it’s not working, and it’s time to try something different.
Another thing is talking to someone who can listen without judging or trying to tell you how to fix the problem. The more you can describe what you’re feeling – either by talking or writing – the more you can start to distance yourself from the depression and get a little breathing room. I have a couple of posts on how writing helps (talking to someone can work in the same way). Here’s one – and the other.
I know you can’t do much when you’re feeling as low as you are now. Talking to a psychiatrist about medication is one immediate step – though the meds themselves can take a while to work. If discussing things online helps, you’re welcome to add more through this comment space about what’s happening – or you can email me – or try one of the active depression forums online (Depression Forums, Depression Fallout, forums at PsychCentral – among many).
Unfortunately, nothing works for everybody. You can find several sites that provide the 10 best ways or top tips for all the phases of depression. A few of them might work for you – they’ve been fairly meaningless for me.
Do feel free to write again – to bitch or whatever – if that can help in any way.
All my best to you –
John
John,
I want to thank you for this site. Your life and description of your depression and family situation are so familiar it’s as if I wrote these words myself. My husband has been building up this fantasy of “the grass is greener” in his head for about 6 months now. He finally told me this week that the only way he can live a full life is if he leaves. You and I both know this is so far from the truth. When I even suggest that this might be depression he almost laughs and says “There is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I am thinking very clearly.” I am beyond frustrated. I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff waiting for someone to pull me back or push me off. I am exhausted. This answers so many questions about his behavior or a very long period of time.
The irony of it all is that I too have suffered depression since our 2nd child was born eight years ago. He is the one that pushed me to get help, medication, and counseling. He even called the Dr. for me. Now the mind-blower which I just realized is that my depression is his “cover”!!!!!
And for so long that made great sense to me. But now I see everything differently. Your words, experience and wisdom may be the very thing to save my husband from many more years of denial and to save our 17 year marriage.
My experience is so identical to Patch it’s scary! My ex was this lovely, caring, soft person and now he’s changed into this person I cannot recognise 🙁 I have told this to his dad. Recently I told this to him. But he says that the reason he was different during our relationship is because at that point he was trying to make it work and had to live with me.
I know that this change in him was triggered by his job loss. But he won’t admit it. He has basically decided that his move to this city and to be with me has caused all the damage and that running back to his hometown will resolve everything.
This has happened in the past when he was overseas – got fired and ran back to his hometown blaming everyone overseas.
When he was trying to break up with me he kept telling me that he was in this exact same place with his ex gf and he only ended up dragging the relationship on and hurting her. He said he didn’t want to hurt me the same way. Of course when he was saying this I hadn’t fully realised that he was depressed and kept asking him not to compare two relationships and two people – especially when his ex had repeatedly flirted with other men in front of him and was so suspicious of him that he cheated on her. Not that I am condoning his actions but he said – ‘if I was going to be blamed for something I hadn’t done, I might as well do something and get blamed’.
While he was trying to break up with me and I told him how cruel he was being to me he said – ‘sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind’.
This man would melt at my tears – he told me to bring my walls down to allow him in – he genuinely loved me and would get so happy when someone praised me. And now he’s this stranger I cannot recognise.
I am not in touch with him – whatever contact we have is about all his things he left at my place (including his passport) and about the money he owes me. Now he is using the money as a bargaining chip – he’s paranoid I will throw his things away if he pays me. I have told him gently that he’s being paranoid and I would never do something like that to things I loved taking care of at one point.
He is posting morbid song lyrics on his facebook, abusing people with expletives and writing misoginistic comments. It has reached such a point that friends are threating to break of friendships with him.
When I apologised for speaking to his dad (prior to our breakup) about intervening and getting him some help – he flew off the handle and blasted me. The man I knew last year would never have done this to me.
This 360 degrees turnaround happened while I was overseas but I could see signs when he got fired from his job in early November. Late November I had to go overseas. Then he ran back to his hometown and decided to stay on there. I was fine with it since I was planning on moving there myself – it’s my hometown too.
He drinks a lot – has had this problem for 2/3 years prior to meeting me. But now he blames me for his drinking, blames me for his financial & career woes as well.
He has psorasis and was abused by a paedophile in his teens. His own mum told me, while I was visiting my hometown to resolve issues, that he needs psychological help. She said this out of the blue and startled me. But he doesn’t like his mum and his dad hates confrontation. His brothers and sisters are seemingly not bothered.
His low self-esteem also comes from the fact that he never got a degree and has lost jobs regularly or has had small little contracts – nothing that he feels proud about. On the other hand he pointed out that I have a degree, house and a job – something he knew from the beginning but became glaringly big when he started spiralling down.
Also when he drinks he makes a fool of himself. So he gives his friends plenty of ammunition and when they tease him he tries to act all cool about it but it hurts his pride.
When he was breaking up with me he told me that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. That he missed me initially when I went overseas but not when he moved back to his hometown. I cannot and won’t believe that his love for me is gone. But as my meditation teacher has pointed out – he doesn’t love himself so how can he offer any love to me?
My meditation teacher has also told me to leave him to hit rock bottom. ‘Exercise tough love’ he told me. Besides even if I want I cannot help him – he has pushed me away very hard. When I went to his hometown in a last ditch effort to make him decide since till then he couldn’t make up his mind – we were deliriously happy on one day and the next day he got drunk and verbally abused me – told me that my culture is self centred and that I have very few friends and so we should break up. He called me a psychopath when I was trying to calm him down. His soft face was twisted in anger – I had never seen him like this. Usually in our relationship I used to be the one with temper and he was the pacifier. He tried to kick me out of his place at 4 in the morning. He was terribly rude and cruel to me. And I couldn’t recognise this man. Obviously he slipped into this depressive state while I was overseas.
Now he has enrolled at university and working full time. However this pressure is causing him to go downhill more – as is evident from his facebook.
I am 31 and he is 28. We were together for a year and a half and lived together for 6/7 months. He had chased me, professed his love and moved cities to be with me. I fell in love eventually. We had a lovely relationship and he was really nice to me. So all the more I cannot believe he has snapped like this. All I can do is leave him to hit rock bottom and hope that he can pick himself up. Then maybe he will rediscover his love for me – which I know is dormant somewhere in there.
I accepted him in spite of his psoriasis (which is he very sensitive about), his thinning hair, his alcohol issues and his financial woes and career issues – don’t think there will be too many women who will love him as much as I do. I wish his depression hadn’t created this chasm between us 🙁
Hi John,
Thanks so much for all your really helpful articles on this subject. I’m doing a lot of learning.
My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me recently. For a month or so before that he’d started changing into someone I didn’t know and didn’t understand – he was trying really hard to make out everything was fine with him, but it clearly wasn’t. I know he’s dealt with depression before (although he didn’t call it that – he said he’d been to some really dark places) shortly before I met him, and before we broke up he started slipping back into those same behaviours – drinking too much, not sleeping, pushing everyone away. I’ve been reading about hidden/covert depression, and that describes him exactly.
When he broke up with me he said he couldn’t stand to turn back into the person he’d been before at those bad times, and he couldn’t stand to keep hurting me, and he just knew he needed to be entirely alone to work out why he was ‘broken’. He told me he didn’t even want to be in touch because ‘that would be a connection to you, and I can’t deal with a connection to anyone right now’.
He’s said (and I believe) that he does love me – but that he knows he’d end up hurting me and letting me down if he stayed, and that he has to be totally on his own, nobody around him, to work out what’s wrong with him. But now, he seems to have changed his mind about wanting a connection with me; he emails a lot (just chatty stuff, but regularly), he’s really reluctant to do anything ‘final’ like swap belongings back, and we’ve agreed to talk about getting back together in the future after time apart now. I don’t know if we ever will or not (I’d like to!), but at any rate I’d like him to get better. This unhappy, shut-in, self-hating person he’s turned into isn’t the person I knew.
He told me when we broke up that he was going to get counselling to work out why he was ‘broken’ and ‘so bad at dealing with stuff’. I’ve told him more recently that I really hope he does, because it seems to me that he’s depressed, and he needs help to deal with that.
In the meantime I’m trying as best I can to get on with my own life and concentrate on doing things for me, while still giving him his space, staying in light casual contact, and making sure he knows I’m there if he needs to talk. I hope this is the right thing to do. I just feel so bad for never noticing, until now, what a bad state he was in mentally.
Hi, Patch –
It sounds like you’re doing what I would do, if I were in your place. He may be a little beyond covert depression at this point, since he’s aware enough to know he needs some type of help.
Taking care of your needs is always the first thing I suggest, and your level of contact sounds right to me. The one question I have is whether or not you’re telling him exactly what you feel. I don’t mean only the love and empathy you have for him nor what you’re willing to offer by way of support. I’m reading a lot in your comment about what he’s feeling but not what your feelings have been in reacting to his leaving and his communication with you since then. I think it’s important that he hear about the hurt/loss/grief you may be experiencing and what his behavior does to you. I can’t tell if you’re letting him know that or if you’re reluctant to discuss it out of fear that it might push him away for good or add to his worries. As I see it, he needs to know what his effect on you is. I don’t want to go into this further since I really don’t know the full scope of what you’ve been talking to him about. But that’s a thought.
All my best —
John
Even with the knowledge that my partner was dealing with depression and sexual addiction, leaving him was and is, one of the toughest choices I have had to make in my life.
I believed him when he told me we would grow old together, in fact, it took him quite a bit to convince me it was fact, so, when it became apparent, after 5 years together, that fact was really fiction, confusion set itself deep into my system.
A year later, I am still confused.
Did I make a good choice when I chose to leave him?
For my own sanity, Yes.
Does it still hurt to know how much I love him and could not help? Yes.
Am I going to be okay even though I still feel I left a man I really did want to grow old with? Yes.
Do I feel that “okay” feeling every day? No.
Some days I do ask myself the questions…
IF …
I had not left, would he have ever admitted his issues to himself and sought help outside himself, as John has.
The answers are not to be found.
I have to keep allowing the past to be.
I have to keep loving.
I have to keep believing.
I have to.
Hey, Victoria –
It takes a long time – at least that’s what every person I know in your position has told me. I’ve seen it close up in the experience of someone in my family as well. I’ve known a couple of cases where leaving left no doubt and turned a life around – for the better. But for most people – how could there not be second thoughts and grief at the loss of what had been such a great hope.
Getting yourself back together after that experience can’t be easy, and I know that changing expectations in your mind doesn’t change your feelings for quite a while.
All my hopes and wishes for the best –
John
John,
Thank you, your words have shed a little more light on how he is feeling. It makes more sense.
I’m thinking that since he is not talking to me at all and it has been 6 weeks tomorrow, I’m not gonna get a chance to ever get him to realize what he needs to do. I’m afraid that if no one seems to want to offer him their thoughts on his behavior or what he might want to do, then he is somewhat stuck.
I am trying every day to just hold on but at the same time not stop my life. I do send emails and a text here and there to let him know how I feel but I don’t think I will ever hear from him as much as I hate to say that.
I have tried to understand depression the best way I can and I hope that someone is able to get to him so he doesn’t have to struggle like he may think he has to.
I just wish I could get rid of the feelings of always having to think about; Is he thinking about me?, does he still love me?, does he want to call me?, what does he think when he reads my messages or sees me calling?
Thanks for all of the advice guys!
Take care! Hope to read some new stuff soon.
I think that one of the things that bothers me the most is the fact that we were SOO close and we had just had dinner together and watched two movies and things could not have been more perfect. the only thing I could remember was that I have never gone home after spending the evening with him and he never even aced like he was asking me to stay so here I was walking out his door to go home at 2am. He went to my car with me and that was it. I got home and saw he was online and we chatted for about 2 mins and I just mentioned that when I kissed him, he seemed distant. He replied that he didn’t think anything was wrong and then I said well I know I just usually stay and he replied, Its not you. I tried to reply back but it said he logged off. He would never have done that before!
I know I explained all this before but anyway, I’m beginning to think that its not just his leaving but its the fact that I have absolutely NO closure!
Ive have tried to subtly ask him if he could explain with out being pushy or pesky and he has not said word one since that night. Not one! Is this normal for a depressed person? After being that much in love?
I mean, I hear people say that they are in this same situation but I will hear them say, well he said or she said and we did this and then we argued yada yada but there is No contact! Your are right Shelly, I am already over analyzing things but I know its due to feeling like Its not fare that I did not get a response as to why this happened. Its such a crappy situation when for once you felt like you finally met someone that was different than others,smart,funny,great times together and then they become the least likely to this!
My daughter plays the bass guitar and she borrowed his. Well, after never hearing from him, she got hers fixed and wanted to get his back to him asap. He would not even contact HER! He did finally answer her 2 weeks ago through a text but just to say “I will get a hold of you soon to let you know when you can bring it and I will give you your moms movies I have here.” Still hasn’t called. My daughter said that it just seems to her like he isn’t wanting it to end but needs time. ugh. I don’t get it.
Hi, Tonia –
Just another thought to follow on Shelly’s advice from her own hard experience. In the midst of depression, there is so much self-contempt and obsessive thinking about every wrong thing you’ve ever done that real love, even attention, for someone else is impossible. The darkest part of the self takes over, and there isn’t room for anyone else. Depression convinces you that you can’t love or be loved and pushes you into isolation. One friend of mine hit bottom this way, left his wife and lived alone for a time, spending most of his evenings in a dark, bleakly furnished room. You can feel a deadly form of self-absorption – I remember being in that state when my wife and a few close friends would offer so much love and support. I could not even hear the words – literally had no memory that they had ever been spoken. That’s how far away you can get from close relationships. I can’t say what your friend is going through, but cutting off contact – hiding out both physically and emotionally – often happens not as a conscious decision so much as almost compelled behavior. It’s a horrible shock to feel that sudden loss when you’re the one trying to reach out. I think you know a lot about some of the possible reasons for his behavior, but it’s another thing to recover emotionally.
I wish you well.
John
Tonya,
John is correct. I was confused as you are as my now ex-boyfriend just broke things off out of the blue, his excuse? “I lost passion towards the relationship”. But as time went by, he actually isolated but did not completely disappear, his isolation was more on the emotional side. I would ask him again why we broke things off, sometime he would say that we had too many problems, others he’d say he did not know and many times he admitted to still having feelings towards me but that he was not good enough and he was pushing me away so that I did not go through his suffering.
For me what’s hard to understand is how he isolates from me, his family and even old friends but pretty much acts very normal and cheery with his new friends who do not know of his Clinical depression.
He’s fully isolated now from me, and is slowly walking away from his family and starting a new life with his new friends. I agree that he may feel emotionless or have lost feelings due to depression or perhaps even the effects of the medication. what is hard to understand is how he’s actually now seeking a new relationship with a new girl who does not know he has depression.
How can he not have feelings towards me even thouhg he’s admitted to loving me sooo much and walk away and then move on and start dating someone else and have feelings (or attraction) towards a new girl. I thought depression effects applied to all situations? John perhaps you can shed some light on this as you’ve gone through it?
Tonya everyone suggested that I leave my ex-boyfriend alone and allowed him to miss me so that he can make an analysis of what he’s losing. Perhaps that would be something you should do. I would encourage that you do not overanalyse the situation because you will drive yourself to get anxious. If he is depressed, he will act as a totally different person. I heard that with men, due to their role in society sometimes its hard for them to recover becuase they do not seek therapy and/or medication and in most cases, they have to hit rock bottom to really start recovering.
My ex takes medication like painkillers, when he’s actually feeling depression or hurting, he takes the medication and he gets the effect of feeling “nothing” afterwards and he’s comfortable this way.
If it helps to talk to someone that’s been through this, feel free to leave your emial and I will contact you directly. Its killing me to lose my relationship of 6 years but I’ve realized that I cannot help him if he does not want the help. He’s now fantasizing with a new life and no one will be able to change his idea of this until he realizes it himself.
Shelly!
Thanks Shelly,
I sort of don’t have a choice since he wont talk to me. With him, He barely talks to others either. He doesn’t really have motivation to even go anywhere. It was SOOO sudden though. That’s why I’m so confused. As much in love as we were and to just shut off. I mean, I guess it sort of was over a short period I noticed changes but to just stop talking or communicating with me just like that without it seeming to bother him, and no explanation, I just get so frustrated because we were amazingly great for each other. I forgot to add that he did get distant like a month prior that lead to this same thing but after a while he finally communicated by email and said he loved me dearly but that it wasn’t me. Well at least I got SOME answers then but no phone at all. When I finally took a chance and called out of the blue a week or so later, he didn’t answer but called right back. he said his heart nearly pounded out of his chest because he wanted to talk to me plus he was nervous from being embarrassed about how he had been acting. After a while on the phone, i asked him what he though we should do and if we should just wait and figure out whats going on with him or what and he said well by then you could be moved on and I don’t know if I will ever find anyone so compatible like we are. Now this again only way worse. Ugh! Its frustrating and after really reading about depression ( he has EVERY sign) i cant understand if he is just extremely depressed and ignoring the world and holed up i his house until he snaps out for a while and realizes, or if he IS done and just doesn’t feel like telling me or is embarrassed. I love him enough to wait but at the same time it isn’t fare to me.
Very interesting and powerful write up.
This article has made me think about my father of all people and the behaviour he had towards my mother. As a young adult I internalised his violent and withdrawn behaviour to normal everyday stress that struggling parents go through. Now that I am a father myself and much older I realise that there is a strong possiblity that depression played an intergral part in his hot and cold personality.
In retrospect, it would of made life a lot easier for my family if he did go and leave us. That way home would of been a safer place.
Thanks for the post!
Gerry
Hi, Gerry –
It is hard to figure out that kind of behavior when you’re growing up. I think children – at least when very young – somehow work things out in their minds to find a way to live with what their parents do. Depression could very well have been part of the problem. Terrence Real’s book – I Don’t Want to Talk About It – offers great insights into how men handle it. He refers to a phase of covert depression in which the man doesn’t understand what’s going on and directs inner pain outward as blame and violence, often targeting his wife or children. He recreates many powerful scenes from his therapy practice in which men finally start to see what they’re really experiencing.
It sounds like you came through in pretty good shape.
Thanks for your comment –
John
Hi Tonya,
I understand what you are going thru because my now ex-boyfriend had a depressive crisis (tried to commit suicide) two months ago and he has broken up with me saying his feelings are no longer there and has slowly isolated. Since we are in different countries, when I call I think he screens my calls and does not pick up. Ironically enough, when people call him and these are people that are not aware of his situation, he actually pays more attention to them.
I asked John for some insight and his website alone helped out a lot. I thought I was going to be able to support him throughout this depressive journey but it got to the point where he basically ignores me and does not want to talk to me. Its like he thinks everything in his life is making him miserable and he’s fully focused on making new friends, creating new hobbies, traveling, etc.
I decided to let the relationship end completely so that I can heal and get over my broken heart because a couple of days ago, I logged into Facebook and found a profile for him in which only his new friends were included, none of our mutual friends or even family were connected to him. I also saw that he’s talking to a girl that’s physically in the same location as he is and she thinks (by what he’s told her) that he has depression because of his break up with me. SHe doesnt really know that he tried committing suicide.
Tonya, I’ve personally concluded after reading on this website that if they do not want help, you cannot encourage them to seek it, much less think that you can cure them. It was tough reality to accept but I’ve decided to accept it. I feel that my exboyfriend of 6 years is seeking a new life, with new friends and even a new girlfriend and even though I know its his depression, the hurting effect is still the same towards me. I would not encourage you to leave him because its something you have to decide. I’ve decided to leave my exboyfriend because he doesnt seem to want to seek therapy and get on the right medication and thinks that he will feel better by going to the gym 7 times weekly. Ohh weell
Hi, Shelly –
I’m really glad to hear that you’ve reached a resolution about this. It sounds like it was the right decision for you, and it’s great you’ve found a way – a really hard one – to take care of your needs. I agree that your healing couldn’t really begin so long as you kept getting one hurtful rebuff from your ex after another.
That’s one of the hardest things to do – so congratulations!
My best to you –
John
I was dating a man for 5 months that I had dated back when I was 17. We reconnected and realized that we had so much in common and we just really hit it off. we laughed constantly and just loved spending time together. he came to all of my daughters softball games and would have us over for dinner after.
I started noticing little by little that he seemed sort of distant and didn’t call as much. When we did talk, he wasn’t as affectionate as usual, he never seemed as into us visiting, we stopped having dinners and he just seemed kind of sad. He kept saying it wasn’t me and the last night I saw him, he is usually so kind and loving and affectionate but he acted like he really didn’t want to kiss me or anything. He started sounding like it was hard for him to get “I love you” out. There are other thinks I cannot think of off hand but I read up allot on depression and he had every single sign.
When I got home that night, he was online and I told him it was good to see him (we hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks) and he said Oh you too sweetie. Well, I asked him if things seemed sort o strange that evening and why he seemed different and he said he just doesn’t know and logged off! I tried texting him because this was so out of character for him and he ignored me. I have called and left messages asking to please just tell me if I did something wrong..nothing. I sent nice emails and again…nothing. earlier that week he said that his mom was noticing his withdrawal and hermit-like behavior and then I though about how in the last couple of weeks he didn’t eat as much and his sleep pattern went to crap. He was going to bed between 9:00am – 11:00am and getting back up at around 3:00pm and doing it all over.He hasn’t worked in almost a year due to lay offs. I have NO concerns of him cheating and if you knew him you would understand but I’m just wondering how you can go from making a fuss and telling me he has NEVER felt this way and now he knows what love is to just going off line and ignoring me for 5 weeks now? I just couldn’t figure out how you couldn’t be upset after being in love like that to nothing and being ok with it. Is it a possibility that he will ever look for me again or do you think he could be done? I also read up the fact that if you stay away from a depressed person and not just “check in” once in a while to let them know you are still there, when they do have their normal feelings, they will learn to prioritize you right out of their life! I know you cant possibly know his feelings about our relationship and what he plans to do but is this normal when a person is depressed to walk away completely like they never loved you and NEVER give you a reason no matter how much you ask? I guess I just wonder a lot if he is in a deep fog that he will come out of in weeks,months whatever and see he still feels the same. Does that happen? Sorry,
So confused. thank you for reading and sorry so long!
Hi, Tonia –
I’m afraid it is possible for a severely depressed man to change from loving you to feeling nothing and isolating himself. He may feel so badly about himself that he can’t face anyone else – and he may not want to talk about it because he doesn’t recognize what’s happening. A depressed person isn’t the same anymore – and that’s so hard to accept or make sense of. Depression is a powerful state of mind and feeling that takes over when it’s really bad. I’m sure it’s hard to imagine that his feelings for you could disappear, but that’s not just his feeling for you – there may be no emotion at all. Or at least no positive feeling – since he may be so preoccupied with a sense of inner worthlessness. Depression is insidious.
And it is possible that he could come out of it and have his feelings for you back – I’ve been through that more than once. Depressive episodes do end at some point, or at least let up a bit. That also is hard to understand – and could well leave you far less trusting than before. My wife felt she couldn’t count on me after years of this sort of thing. The illness has a terrible effect on every close relationship.
I hope he gets help. If this is the first time it’s happened, there is a very good chance that treatment could keep the problem from becoming a permanent part of his life.
My best to you,
John
It sounds more to me that he may have a substance abuse problem. Does he drink, smoke or use other things including (especially) prescription medication? I’d check that out and treat that as a symptom of depression as well.
sarah –
It would really be irresponsible of me to try to offer advice on such a big decision. You should seek advice from those who know you and your family. Also, I just speak from my own experience here and am not a counselor or therapist. If someone has symptoms that seem to resemble depression, I would urge consulting a professional mental health provider. I hope you do get support and assistance for dealing with a crisis like this.
My very best to you — John
hi john, it may well be depression, i notice when things go wrong he seems to go on a downward spiral and no matter what i say or do to make him happy it is only short term and he goes all withdrawn, he is constantly tired and has loss or motivation and i get frustrated tell him exactly how things are going and he runs away. hes told me he loves me but hes also saying when he goes back to his mums home to have a break, he likes it but only short term. ive told him if he left me again there would be no turning back, i wouldnt take him bk despite the love i have for him. the pain that he leaves behind on me and our children is too much to bare but its like hes trying to teach me a lesson for the times ive had a go at him for the way he is behaving. should i keep taking him back, that makes me a weak person doesnt it.
sarah –
You haven’t mentioned if he has depression – there are lots of people who behave this way and don’t have a mood disorder. Whatever the cause, I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this. The reasons he cites only let him off the hook for whatever is going on inside him – leaving is pointless and abusive to you and your kids. He doesn’t sound like he’s open to any self-examination, but getting into good couples counseling might be a way to get him to hear an independent voice. I hope you can take care of yourself and your kids with all the support you can get – don’t keep it a secret – ask for help.
My very best to you — John
i have been with my partner for nearly 10 years and in the last year he has left me 3 times for 3 weeks at a time and always comes back and promises he wil never leave again but only yesterday we had a silly row and he packed half of his stuff and me and the kids watched him driveaway with not a care in the world. he leaves us devastated everytime, he blames the situation on me, money worries , my attitude towards him when he doesnt talk to me, he is 100 percent faithfull, so i never doubt him or mistrust him so why do this to us all the time.
MJ –
I hope the stories may be helpful, but I’m sorry you have to deal with that level of denial. As I discuss in today’s post, the second part of this series – and also in the response to Lynn, if he won’t or can’t accept responsibility for what he’s done, you can’t do it for him. I wish there were some direct way to get someone to wake up, but there isn’t. My wife tried for many years – but ultimately I had to get it at the very deepest level – she suffered through it and we managed to pull out. We were lucky. I hope something will work for the both of you.
My very best to you — John
Lynn –
I’ve tried to answer some of your questions in the second part of this series – but whatever the cause of depression and however severe – the impact of the behavior on you shouldn’t be excused. And none of it has anything to do with what you do. As I say in today’s post, you have to take care of yourself – if you can, confront your husband as directly as possible with what he’s doing to you and the marriage. If he can’t or won’t listen, nothing you say will change that. He has to change. As with an alcoholic, a man may have to lose his family and hit rock bottom before he gets it. In the meantime, look out for yourself and children first.
All my best to you – and thank you for telling your story here.
John
Your post was sent to me by a very dear friend. It was like I was reading about life with my husband of 39.5 years. At the 36.75 mark of marriage he surprised me with wanting out. No other woman involved just wanted excitement and adventure. Most of his family take antidepressant and he feels he has escaped it. Only reading Longing to Leave was like reading my life. I hope he will read this. He did leave and seek a divorce but finally went to my therapist with me. I went to therapy since he said all this was my fault. We go to therapy together and it is helping but he still thinks he has no depression problems. Your stories are like looking in a mirror. Thanks for writing them.
John,
Your writings describe so much of my marriage of 10 years to a man suffering from depression. Like you, he is intelligent and able to express himself through writing. Unfortunately, he is not able to control his actions. In the ten years of our marriage he has left five times to live elsewhere for periods of 2 – 5 months only to return saying he won’t do it again. He says he loves me and does not want a divorce but still cannot accept responsibility for leaving. He denies infidelity and says he leaves because he is depressed and needs to be alone. He is so filled with anger, blaming me for his depression, calling me the “crazy” one, refusing to talk with me, and leaving all household responsibilities on my shoulders.
This has happened so often that I sometimes question the use of “depression” as an excuse to just do what he wants, but I know he is deeply hurting. He is seeing psychiatrists, on medication, and goes to marriage counselling with me. He is a kind, gentle, loving man when he is not depressed, but can the cruelty, total disregard for others, self-absorption, and rage be merely due to a “neurochemical imbalance”? Where does the illness end and the moral character of the person begin? I really want to understand and help him, but the more I learn, the more questions I have.
I just want to say how interesting I have found these posts on why men leave, I was very briefly involved with such a man early last year, he had left his young family and had numerous affairs, going back to the family each time. Unfortunately I was one of those affairs and felt very used and betrayed by him. There were so many lies, so much distress, he was suffering badly, horribly confused and lacking direction. I was unwell myself at the time, having just come out of hospital, I was vulnerable, and at first was grateful for the affection of a new relationship. Later, as I became more aware of his situation, I found it very difficult to understand his actions, recognised how unhealthy our relationship was and put an end to it. Your posts have been very helpful in giving me an insight into what was potentially going on beneath all the lies.
Hann x
Hann – I’m so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of that kind of abuse and betrayal – your words about your feelings reflect the reality, I’m afraid. I can’t imagine what his wife goes through. If the posts were helpful, I’m glad – and thank you for letting me know.
Thanks also for the review!
— My best to you — John
untreatableonline –
People do get that subconscious message but have a hard time understanding what it is – so they take it personally, quite hard if they’re really close. When I’m in that state and have to be alone, it’s difficult to be clear enough in mind to tell my family what’s going on. These days I’ve gotten a lot better about saying that it’s depression and I can’t respond to anything else very well. That is dangerous – I’m so glad you’ve gotten a handle on that and, frankly, survived the isolation.
You take care too – John
When I became ill I basically forced the people close to me to leave at some subconscious level. Part of me needed to be alone with the depression and remove anything that would distract me from the fight that I was in. I could blame the male stigma where we are expected to handle everything internally and not express our emotions. In the end thinking that I was trying to protect my loved ones from the monster of mental illness I put myself into a dangerous situation. Take care
Thanks, Ari –
Suppression began for me at such an early age that it had to be a primary force in the depression that evolved over time. The trouble with depression, though, is that the longer it goes on the more self-sustaining it becomes. Dealing with the origins and suppressed emotions usually isn’t enough at that point to get rid of it. The causes of this problem aren’t well understood, and I think most explanations get at an important part of the truth. It’s also the case that depression isn’t one thing for everyone who has it. I find that some people are helped enormously by treatments that have had no effect on me whatsoever. We’re all trying to figure this out!
Your thoughts are always helpful and insightful. Thank you for coming by. – John
Thanks, Melinda –
You’ve hit a central point – we take ourselves wherever we move. Understanding that, at least dimly at the time, helped stop me from running out on my family. I’d tried changes of location in the past, and nothing ever changed inside. It amazes me how many men – and I’m sure women – just assume that problems they blame on a partner will be solved by going away and starting again with someone else. There are times when the relationship was just wrong to begin with and a break can help. But that’s not usually what I see.
Thanks for coming by! – John
Eileen –
I’m sorry if this hit home in an uncomfortable way, but an honest and hard-to-write comment like this is always supportive. Thank you for telling that story! This behavior of your partner does put you in an impossible situation, and he has to be responsible for the effect he has on you. Even if he’s in the grip of a depression he doesn’t understand, that doesn’t excuse the destructiveness of his behavior. One of the hard things about depression is that the impact on the partner really is devastating. When I’ve snapped out of it long enough to communicate with my wife, I can’t undo the hurt I’ve inflicted. At some point, you have to own up to that, and I’m sorry this person couldn’t get enough awareness to see what he was doing before driving you crazy.
My very best to you! John
You describe the chain of thoughts in a depressed mind pretty well.
To me, depression comes from suppression—like keeping too many secrets. When a lot of hurt is suppressed inside without proper outlets, it weighs you down and trigger these negative behaviors and thought patterns.
It’s hard, particularly for men, to have a safe place for a break down. Men just aren’t given tools and methods to express their emotions.
Small breakdowns here and there can prevent big ones—I think true cure for depression can only come through actually allowing depression to manifest itself. Hopefully in a safe and constructive environment.
It’s tough, though. It’s very tough. My heart goes out to everyone suffering from depression.
ari
John,
As usual, your post is so beautifully written and also allowed me to reflect on my own recovery in new ways.
I don’t think it is just men that leave-women leave to. When I was immersed in addiction, I used to make geographical changes all the time-with the belief that it was a place that caused me problems (i.e., if I can get away from San Francisco, I will stop using drugs). But that didn’t work-because in the end, we travel with ourselves wherever we go-and we cannot run from ourselves.
Take care, my friend—
Melinda
I was in a relationship that was very important to me, though not committed as a marriage. It ended a few months ago. To tell the truth, this is the kind of behavior that this person displayed with me. Basically withdrawal and denial that anything is wrong until the whole relationship came tumbling down. This person also wishes to find the perfect woman, who is not me. I agree I am very imperfect. In any case, this was so hurtful. It made me feel crazy, doubting my owns feelings about what was actually going on, never knowing what the problem might be, fearful and on edge.
Well, you’ve touched a sore spot here. I think it’s great that you are able to realize, through much soul searching, that this is not good or helpful behavior, and gently and kindly (hopefully) trying to change it. We have to be kind to ourselves.
How can a partner address or change what we don’t know about? Not that it was all his fault, but in this respect, yes it was.
It’s really interesting in any case to see this described from the other side, the ‘strong and silent’ man’s view.
I apologize in advance if this is not a supportive comment – as I said, this touched a sore spot. And when writing touches someone, that’s good in itself I figure, however it does that. It’s communication….