As I read through the web for conversations, questions, ideas about depression, I am struck by how many people who write to forums and blogs are desperately asking for help not for their own depression but for that of their spouses, partners, loved ones. So often, they report bewilderment. They feel stunned to find anger and rejection in place of love. How can it be that the person I have known so well is suddenly different, alien, hostile and wants to break out of the relationship that is so precious?
What is this longing to leave that so many depressed people feel? I have no simple answer to that, but I can describe my own tortured experience with an almost irresistible drive to break out and start a new life.
I spent many years feeling deeply unsettled and unhappy in ways I could not understand. Flaring up in anger at my wife and three great young boys became a common occurrence. I’d carry around resentments about being held back and unsatisfied with my life, fantasizing about other places, other women, other lives I could and should be leading. My usual mode was to bottle up my deepest feelings, making it all the more likely that when they surfaced it would be in weird and destructive ways. I’d seethe with barely suppressed anger, lash out in rage and, of course, deny angrily that anything was wrong when confronted by my wife.
I was often on the verge of bolting, but there were two threads of awareness I could hold onto that restrained me invisibly. One was the inner sense that until I faced and dealt with whatever was boiling around inside me I would only transplant that misery to a new place, a new life, a new lover. However exciting I might imagine it would be to walk into that new world, I knew in my heart that it would only be a matter of time before the same problems re-emerged.
The other was a question I kept asking myself – What is it that I am leaving for? What was this great future and life that I would be stepping into? Could I even see it clearly? More often than not, the fantasy portrayed a level of excitement I was missing.
Some buried part of me knew that a life based on getting high – on non-stop brain-blowing excitement – wasn’t a life at all. Maybe it wasn’t alcohol or drugs that lured me, but it was surely the promise of intense and thrilling experience, the perpetual opening scene of an adventure film without the need to wait for the complicated plot to unravel. There was no real alternative woman out there waiting for me, only a series of fantasies with easy gratification, never the hard part of dealing with a complicated human being in a sustained relationship. And inwardly I knew that after the initial burst of energy wore off, I would still face the fears, depression and paralysis of will that had plagued me for so long.
That bit of consciousness kept me from breaking everything up and leaving the wonderful family that I’m blessed with.
So just imagine what my wife was going through. She had to face the rejection of my anger at the deepest levels. At the worst of it, she had to hear me telling her she wasn’t enough for me, that I needed more than she could give. And the tension and pain between us, the frequent rage that I felt, spilled into the lives of my children in ways that slowly and painfully were to emerge over time. That is the hardest part of talking about this now, to grasp how my closest loved ones disappeared from awareness into the haze of my own self-hatred, my own feeling of emptiness that I was desperately trying to fill. I had no idea how my behavior spread in its impact, like widening circles in water, to touch so many around me.
I’ll continue with this theme and try to get at what can be done or said to someone possessed of a longing to leave.
I have an intense desire to lead an unconventional life. This started 7 yrs ago when my mother died. No surprise here: she was very controlling. And I left home to marry a man who was 10x more controlling. Then I eventually divorced to move back in with Mother. So when I was 57 and she was 87, suddenly she was gone. I became embarrassingly aware that my life had no structure of its own. And at least 3 decades of my life had been hollowed out by depression. I didn’t want to fall back into that great concavity. You can see the allure of the unconventional. I had barely known the conventional. Although married a few years, I had no children. Depression and other mental illness left me too disabled to work by age 37. I looked up “midlife crisis” but where did that midline fall for me? I had clung to sameness as if it were the last buoy in the Sea of Despond.
I am encouraged to be feeling so much better lately — no anxiety or depression. But I am now feeling restless with no vitality. In place of a vortex of depression sucking me down…there is an irritable lassitude. Better, yes, but not good enough.
Maybe all the fatigue is from holding myself in check so I don’t run headlong into impulsive action. There are no online articles about what to do when you are in your mid-60’s, depression is lifting for the first time in years, and it feels like those “best years” of your life have been stolen. One bright young thing (although the light was a little dim) suggested “make a vocation of being a better person.” I don’t feel I have been a person of any kind. Yet. Oh well, survival has won an evil battle of attrition and I still have years ahead of me. Better to have the job of finding myself than fighting depression.
What you describe is sad, but how you say it is brilliant. You’ve always been one of the best writers about this scourge and life in general. Is writing a possible way forward?
All my best – John
John please help. My husband is going through the same thing you did. My world has fallen apart.
Assuming he remains at home as you did and doesn’t run off with another woman, how is he supposed to come out of this? I’ve read that someone going through a midlife crisis needs to hit rock bottom or suffer great loss before their fog starts to lift.
What caused your fog to lift and how long did it take?
I’m going through a lot of the similar issues people are sharing on this platform. Married for 3 years, know him for 7 years. Moving to a different country can make him so unhappy. He started to display depression symptoms.
I’d really love to get connected with people with similar experience to find support and solutions. Please contact me at linshuangnus [at] gmail [dot] com
Hi
I’m going through what seems like an identical crisis.
I’ve been married for 3 years, known my husband for 7. Through out I’ve supported him with a chronic gambling addiction and recently he disclosed some trouble information about possible PTSD from time he spent in prison before we were married.
For the last 4 months he has become more depressed and said he wants a divorce 4 times, the most recent being lastnight!
My family qernt aware until the last time (3 weeks ago) as I moved 300 miles away from them to be with him. So I’m facing physical isolation (he now works abroad and feel this has caused his depression to manifest & completely take over ), and also all my family & friends ofcourse remain in my home city, which is a gruelling 5 hours drive.
During the last 3 “episodes ” when he was adamant on ending our marriage he would come to his senses a week or so later, promising to make things right again & agreeing to seek professional help. This most recent time, I made the appointment for him & got angry, refused to & denied having a problem & said he wants a divorce! All within around 3 minutes.
The devastating roller coaster is physically sickening, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I never imagined if have to consider divorce at 37 & after only 3 short years of marriage but he’s not getting the help we both so desperately need him to. I’m at a loss, I’m still completely in love with who he used to be, not the person he has become. Like any woman I had hopes of a happy simple life with a man who loves me as much I do him. I have no family or friends close by so think that’s adding to the isolation & raw heart break.
He has said he won’t change his mind again & has even taken off his wedding ring which he Never did previously. He says he cannot hurt me anymore. The irony is by denying his condition, refusing help, abandoning me & our life is the biggest pain he could inflict.
I hope & pray you all feel some peace soon. Going through this is painful beyond words.
Hi John your three articles have really helped me with my current situation thank you for sharing. As I can see some of the comments are dated, so I was wondering if there was anyone out there suffering currently with this kind of situation?
I am a partner to someone who is in depression denial who has left me with no notice ( I wasn’t there) and now having to deal with that pain which is sometimes unbearable.
Hi, i can be reached at linshuangnus [at] gmail [dot] com
I’m in the same situation it’s been 3 months since he left with minimum communication after 20 years together, I’m so shattered, he won’t even get counselling so much in denial.
Hi John,
Just came across your blog and your description describes my husband and the situation we’ve found ourselves.
We’ve been together since teenagers, first loves, first everything. We know each other inside out and back to front and been through lots together.
Over the last few years he has progressively become more and more moody. He resents me and is negative towards me most of the time, apart from when we are on holidays together. His constant remarks and abusive messages have left me feeling hurt, angry and more and more withdrawn. I feel like I’m not myself anymore. I tread on egg shells at home, hoping to keep the peace in front of the children but sometimes the endless rhetorical questions become to much and I retrieve to silent numbness which I know my children must pick up on.
There have been a few times when I’ve wanted to leave. He has begged and said he will change and seek help. He did go see a therapist and try antidepressants but not for very long.
Recently I had the biggest blow of all when one of his emails pinged through whilst I was on his laptop. He’s been seeing someone else, having an emotional affair.
I’m now in limbo. He tells me that this is the ultimate catalyst that will make him change but part of me thinks what if he never will, not properly and have I got the energy to support him through that? After all he’ll need someone to give him the positive affection that he craves and I can no longer give without being fake.
What should I do??
I found Marriage Helper 911 which deals with the affair and the marriage crisis and does provide support, though not for the depression. There are a lot of free videos available – though they do recommend (as do I) their weekend intensive workshop that provides a lot of materials to help with a path forward.
I am going through the same thing. Married 17 years, together for 20. He’s always travelled for a living and he butt dialed me one day while working in California after we had an offer on our home. We were moving to Florida. He was having lunch with a woman. That was October. He’s only come home three times since then and we are nearing the end of January. He says he’s depressed and wants a divorce. The affair is emotional because he hasn’t been able to be intimate for years due to other issues.
I’ve cried everyday for three months. I’m not myself, felt like I was dying from heartache. I want to help him but he’s like a stranger now and won’t talk, call or text.
I hope and pray his therapy (and now mine) will one day help us both. I can’t accept the fact that he’s wanting a divorce and I want to help him but know it’s futile. What can I do to prevent this and fix things before it’s too late?
Thanks for writing this article. It blew me away how accurate this is… I am a women, married to an excellent guy who looks after me, has a good heart and wouldnt hurt a fly. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and take anti depressants which have definitely improved my mood and kept my head above water.
I have had an almost consistent urge to run away, to start a new life, meet new people, live a new me from the very beginning of our relationship. And on several occasions I have “run away” for a night or two. Booked myself into an airbnb to simply be alone where no one or no thing can make any demands of me.
But the reality is, when I think back, happiness has been fleeting throughout my life and I have always craved a freedom that doesnt exist in reality… dreams of living in Venice and dining at candlelight with great minds, living in a cottage by the sea and painting whilst listening to chilled classical music, spending weekends on City escapes and drinking hot chocolate whilst people watching and having a deep inner sense of freedom, calm and contentment that I just cant seem to grasp when I have a significant other…
Instead I isolate myself, blame him, and feel a constant inner sense of dread.
This post is really powerful and I will keep trying to understand myself better and save my marriage from myself. Hopefully one day this longing to leave will stop.
Hi Francesca! You just described me perfectly! Also been with my partner 10 years, married for 5. Deep sense that something is missing in my life and the passion/excitement/calm/connection/meaning that other people experience in life has been robbed from me. I have depression and anxiety as well. The way you describe these various lives you want to live also describes me: I long to move to a remote island in Ireland, and then I think I need to escape to bustling NY, or adventure around southeast Asia. The theme of all my fantasy lives is that I can’t find meaning in mine. I want to connect more deeply, more intellectually, more passionately than what is possible in my relationship, and possibly more than what is reasonable or expected in any relationship. And I wonder what is this drive all about? Am I so lost within myself that I need to latch on to something else in hopes of finding myself there? I hate that I always feel like I am missing out on life, and especially on a “great love”. I find it very hard to be content with the day to day and the imperfections of a “regular” person. I want more, I crave so much more, and am never satisfied. It’s hard to find connection without thrilling pleasure and I always think the answer lies elsewhere, or that someone life isn’t fair and I will never feel what I perceive others to feel. It makes me very sad. If you ever want to chat, I would love that.
Hi
What you described is me totally. 54 year old male. You put into words what I have been feeling for over 35 years. I desparetly want this to stop.
Francesca, I just cried reading your words as they represent me to the T. It comes in waves and I hate it. I’m not on any type of medication…and am wondering if I should be. What did you do/are you doing to “fix” this?
Wow, I’ve just read these replies and all I can say is that if I look back on the past year, from when I wrote this message. I strangely think that Covid lockdown has helped me because its forced me to accept that my life will not be changing for a while. I have definitely felt more accepting of my place in the world this year because in a way I’ve been forced too.. but that doesnt stop me dreaming about the future and things to come.
I try to remind myself that even those with seemingly perfect lives struggle with the same things we speak of here… celebrities who can do what they want, go where they want, live where they want, they still get depressed and even suicidal. I also remind myself that I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, even when my surroundings change, i find things to never be perfect. I dont feel like I fit in anywhere really. Does that mean my surroundings have to change or that i have to change my perspective? So I guess, I am still coming to the acceptance that life will never fit perfectly in all areas, but to seek improvement isnt a bad thing either.
I have learnt to accept that my life is totally average and so is everyone elses. I look around at people I admire who live where I live and I think “if this life is good enough for them, why isnt it good enough for me? What makes me think my life is so special that I deserve more than so-an-so?
Then I think of people who live in places I see as idyllic and I notice that they still have difficulties… people in L.A all struggling to be the best they can be, not finding work, no sense of community, they might be at the beach in the evenings, eating organic food and looking tanned and gorgeous but there is more to life than that… it doesnt necessarily make them happy.
If the feeling of emptiness has existed for a long time, more than 6 months say, speak to your Doctor and if you want to try meds then it’s an option. It took me years to accept that I was depressed enough to take.medication and it’s been a life changer. I take Sertraline and the first few days were rough but when the meds settle down life is way more manageable and I see things clearer now.
I also now set goals for me to look forward to… that Christmas I want to spend in Bruges? That beach in Costa Rica? That Restaurant in Tuscany? They are my goals and I am saving for their reality to materialise, even if it takes years to get there. In the meantime, I try and actively fill.my days with at least 1 thing that makes me feel like myself… watch comedy, listen to music, go out for coffee, read a book…. all escape tactics really but keep moving forward towards those goals.
Re. Husband… write does 5 things every day that I feel grateful for in our relationship. If we last forever who knows? But for now at least I’m happy to keep things as they are.
I really hope you find your peace in time. My only advice really is to accept all the support that’s available to you and especially speak to your Doctor. “Life is Struggling” as Buddha said and I think there is more truth in that than we want to admit to ourselves. We will always struggle in one way or another, the question is how are we going to approach these struggles and live a full life? A simple change in our point of view can make all the difference. But ultimately, our own happiness starts with us.
Wishing you all the best.
I would like to thank you for being strong enough to write all this down. I have been feeling wave after wave of crushing despair since my husband decided to end our almost 12 yr marriage (14 1/2 yr relationship) for a group of fun and single work friends, one in particular. They know him as a snarky but sweet, considerate, protective and chivalrous, empathetic and light hearted HERO. At home he has been quite the opposite for about 14 years. Your description of your own feelings and behaviors fits him in almost every way and for the first time in 14 yrs I’m not blaming myself for his unhappiness. I’m not looking at myself KNOWING there was something so so wrong with me that he never wanted to have sex, kiss, or hug me longer than 5 seconds. I’m not so confused as to why he yelled at me for singing in the car, refused to play any games with me and why he just opted out of so many other small yet BIG things that have impacted our lives and chipped away at the fire I always felt lucky to have in me. I am deeply troubled by how my standards could have been so low that I chose to believe his continuous lies that he loved and desired me and that it would be he and I forever, although his actions were quite the opposite. I still feel very ashamed and confused at how desperate I’ve felt to receive any validation, attention, acceptance from him over the years and how I could have come to accept feeling low, unmotivated and uninspired day to day. I remember thinking “Well, at least HE wants me because no one else could possibly see me as anything but disgusting.”
I’ve just began therapy for these feelings along with anger and passive aggressive issues that have developed over the past 14 yrs. This whole mess is only just over three weeks old and you have truly helped me. My self blame, desperation and despair almost magically disappeared when I read your articles yesterday. Thank you thank you for helping me through this.
I’m not angry at him yet and still feel compelled to want to help him. My compulsion to try to please him is still there BUT he will be moving out in a month so we’ve agreed to have limited contact so I can just move forward. I bought your book which I will be giving to him and I hope he reads it but at this point, he needs to want to help himself and be willing to live honestly instead of how he has been living.
Thank you again 🙂
Much Luv
Monica C.
This really resonated with me. I married a lovely woman 20 years ago but I’ve spent most of it kicking against her and against marriage. A complete reversal of what went before. She’s put up with so much: emotional withdrawal, lack of sex, angry outbursts, affairs, leaving for nights or for months. I’ve caused utter havoc with people’s lives in a desperate hunt for who knows what. I’d like to blame it on depression because it would ease my shame a little, but I don’t know. I’ve had three ‘proper’ bouts of depression, the latest one a real belter, but the rest of the time have felt just flat and joyless so perhaps that was the reason. The alternative is that I’m a monster, the things I’ve done, but I hope and pray to God that I’m not. But whatever the reason, I have destroyed my marriage, whether it would otherwise have been good or not, and must live with that. So now I have to leave, she’s had enough, understandably. And of course there’s another woman whom I ache to be with, whom I want to love and look after while she soothes my torment, who provides what my screwed-up mind thinks it needs: I can’t let her go but if she’s sensible she’ll run a mile. It’s too late for me to reverse the damage I’ve caused but please keep publicising this problem.
I have been reading this for hours and sobbing..i have been with my husband for 26 years and he has had 3 or 4 episode of depression as in telling me he doesn’t love me, I can normally see this coming but on Sunday he lost the plot over nothing so I just ignore it the following day he was being really nasty as we have money problems..he started to work out bills saying has had enough of this life he wants out etc..today we talked of course he is still saying he wants to go but is in to much debt so he has to stay..telling me he cares deeply for me but doesn’t love or fancy me….he breaks my heart as when he is well we are best friends soul mates…im finding this so hard to except ….im so worried about him ..i don’t care about me I just want him to be well..i will not give up on him ever
Dear G O. I do hope you are okay now. How are things? My husband is a narcissist, but I think he is depressed too – much of it because he is a compulsive gambler and some of it, because I am depressed (Partly due to the consequent money worries, a lot due to family death and illnesses and a large part because I can never have a reasonable discussion with him. He can never be wrong and will never say sorry). He often threatens to leave, says he doesn’t love me, but is fond of me and will not have sex with me. He has left, a couple of times. Then he wonders why I get so down!
My recently new ex bf says he’s depressed. We were together 2 years, on and off for the first three years of us meeting. We had some trust issues because we met when I just left an 8 year relationship and was unwilling to commit. It trickled into our relationship when we decided to be together, but overall I trusted him until recently when he befriended a girl at work. He’s an artist and she is a photographer and they’ve bonded over that, she’s younger but I am still much more attractive but I can’t help but compare still. He says she may like him but he doesn’t like her. They had a photo shoot and he didn’t tell me until I found the photo online. He admitted it wasn’t okay to not tell me but he said nothing happened so he didn’t think it would be such an issue, this made me feel insecure and although I had issues about her before because she was a new female friend this heightened it. I told him I believed him because I did but I’d still feel insecure. It’s weird because he was always the more insecure one. He hates himself. I think this on top of all of his stress from his daughters mother, lack of success at work, his art career, his primary car breaking down, money problems made him feel overflowing with stress. And I’m the one stress he can immediately remove. It hurts to hear that I’m not the one who brings happiness, he says the stress outweighs the happiness I bring. He said he’s depressed but can get through it. That he doesn’t feel like himself and needs me to leave so he can get back to himself. How can he say he loves me and misses me when he is choosing to push me away? I am in so much pain, I vomited the other day in the ikea parking lot just from the thought of him with her, even though I don’t see that happening. We made love after we broke up and it broke him down, he said it confused him and hurt him after. He felt like it clouded his mind and didn’t make him feel good after. That was the one thing we had to stay connected in his depressive state. I’m trying to walk away but I can’t. I’m so in love.
I cant believe how accurate these blog posts are and also how many women in the comments section that i can so relate to in every way. My heart goes out to you all. My DH and i have been together for nearly ten years, married seven. He is my soul mate and my best friend and for the last year he has been consumed by depression and anxiety. A year ago, he made the decision to leave-like all other women on here commenting, it was the same old thing-he was unhappy, felt stuck, couldnt pinpoint what it was, that he loved me but felt way too much pressure on himself. He has always been an upbeat, confident and positive person so to see this illness eat him up has been horrible for me and his family. After three weeks away from home, he messaged me asking me if he had messed things up between us. We continued to try and i gave him the time and space he needed to clear his head. He stayed away from home for a whole year-firstly living with his sister, then his parents. He moved back 2 months ago and at first all was well..he was my normal happy husband again. Now he has been dragged back to the depths of despair again and it’s starting to take a toll on me.
Although i have learnt how to manage and cope with his illness and have read numerous articles with coping tips, i have reached the conclusion that my love alone wont make him feel better. i have bent over backwards to accommodate him and his illness, and pushed my needs to one side. You all know what i am talking about when i say how hurtful it is to be pushed away, getting no hugs back, or feeling like its a stranger hugging you…your sex life dwindling away into nothing, you trying to be upbeat and positive only to be met with stone cold silence. And how much all the above affects your self esteem and self worth.
recently he has been talking about wanting to be alone again, and he has been saying exactly the same things as he did the first time round. i am the point now where i am now looking for places to rent. I cannot do this anymore-he refuses to get help from a professional, deluding himself into thinking he can do it all on his own. Well hes tried that for a year-and it hasnt worked. Luckily for me, going through this before has given me a thicker skin, so i know i can get through it again.
I like all of you, need to look after myself, and i have made it clear to him that this will be it. i love him with all my heart but i cannot put myself through this heartache anymore. He can only help himself, and he isnt, so the best thing for me is to have all my self preservation.
please feel free to email me ..any of you if you want to chat or some moral support. this is the second time round i am going in circles in this depression game…and i refuse to let myself be another one of its victims.
I completely understand where you are at right now. I had been with my boyfriend for the better part of nine years. He was a laid-back, warm, engaged man who understood and supported me. He was my best friend as well as my greatest love and I had never felt more bonded to anyone in my life.
Then, about eight months ago, he started showing signs, both physical and mental, of depression. It started very slowly, then escalated quickly. The last three months of our relationship were emotional hell, with him refusing to share his thoughts, feelings, and affection with me. He would explode at the most harmless comments and toward the end, I was afraid to say anything for fear of setting him off.
Finally, last week, he broke up with me, stating that he needed to live his life without having to think about the future and that while he still loved me, we just weren’t compatible. It has been an extremely tough week and I have to push myself to function day to day.
He has not been diagnosed with depression, but he shows all the signs and has a history of suicide in his family. I wrote him a letter stating that I thought he may be suffering from depression and pleading with him to get help. I don’t expect to hear back from him or at best, an angry response, but I didn’t in good conscience keep silent about my very real concerns about his health and safety.
The thing that hurts most is remembering the man that he was and how utterly different he has become. If you have any advice as to how to deal with all of this, I’d be more than happy to talk. All the best in your current situation and if you need to talk, I’m here.
All these comments bring tears to my eyes. I cannot believe how many people are suffering through these excruciatingly surreal episodes of their partner’s depression. I have been with my husband for 7 and a half years. He is my best friend and soulmate. I moved across the Atlantic Ocean to live with him, and have been co-raising his now 11 year old son with 100% care and dedication. I have always thought of my husband as the sweetest, most compassionate and caring person I have ever met. We have always been able to talk, and laugh, and share, and learn, and have wonderful sex together.
At the moment he is in the 3rd massive depressive episode in 2,5 years. It is like I am living with a complete stranger. From one day to the next, he just transforms into a cold, mean, distant shadow of a person. I am finding myself repeating the thought over and over: “where did he go?” I have done a lot of reading over the years, and feel like I have a pretty good idea of what is going on with him through the help of blogs like this one.
He, however, refuses to believe anything is wrong with him. He sincerely thinks I am the reason for his unhappiness and has “broken up” with me now for the 3rd time. Some days he admits that he has depression, but then seems to deny it again the next day, or gets angry when I bring it up. He refuses to seek help (or says he will get help, makes an appointment for therapy, and then never follows through). We are still living in the same house. Last time I left for 5 weeks, but found that I was just falling apart each day in someone else’s home while he frivolously pretended nothing was wrong, living day to day in a strange superficial layer of reality. Upon return he stated he “kinda liked having me around”, and things slowly went back to normal. He would tell me he loved me, bought me thoughtful little gifts, and we’d share sweet moments together.
Until I left for a 2 week trip to my home country over new year’s, and came back to the stranger once more. This time I have decided to stay in our home, and he refuses to leave, because that’s too much of a hassle… and of course this is also his son’s home. I am in the middle of my last semester of grad-school, and find it hard to hold on. We play a normal family when his son is with us, but as soon as all other witnesses have gone, I am left with a non-responsive, resentful partner who rejects my presence and all efforts to communicate. It is unbelievably heartbreaking. I can see how much he is suffering. It is like watching your best friend drown while they are screaming at you to get the hell away from them as you try to reach out. I am so sorry so many of you are dealing with this as well. My heart goes out to all of you. I appreciate your stories and comments on here very much; it can get quite lonely out here…
How do you cope …my life has been turned upside down, I have no-one to talk to about this i don’t want people judging him he is a good man but he will not except he has depression…
I don’t know where to turn I’m going to lose my best friend and husband and I can’t do anything to stop it happening.
Hello GO
Im actually passing all this thing with my “boyfriend” because he is depressed and he is getting me out of his life, i dont know what to do because i think he loves me but now he is just another person, weeks ago after our breakout he blamed me for his depression i was feeling so sad first blaming myself but then i realized that was his depression that made him react like that. He is very loving, gently, honest, kind, patient, calm but now he is acting the opposite yelling at me , being quite when we were together, saying painful things to me. He has been through family problems when he was a teenager ( he barely talk about it )and not accepted by her ex girlfriend’s parents making him feeling not enough and this year he got fired from work with no reason . When we started fighting for stupid things he was always telling me its enough we are ending the relationship i felt like i had no value for him and that i can go someday away and he was not caring at all so i explained to him that i was feeling that im not important to him because of that but he started thinking he wasnt enough for me and that i was unhappy with his company. It have been a month from now and im losing my mind i feel very sad with no clue of what to do i feel like a limbo i dont wanna go away but he continue to refuse me but saying that he loves me and that he wants to be better and what he feels for me anyone can take it away that he misses me and he felt lonely with me but he needed to go through this alone because he didnt want to hurt me and not giving what i deserved. I said that i can wait for him but i need some “security” that he will come back i also propose a brand new relationship where i promise to be more comprensive not that i know its not personal and the situation he is passing through. He told me that he need some time to think well because he didnt want to make a decision that maybe he will regret later saying we will talk this week about this because i explained that i need some answer because i dont know how to act. At the end of the week i asked if he still wanted to talked to me and he got angry saying that he cant be with me blocking me the calls, messages, and every socia media. That week i think we was waiting for an answer for a job and i think that makes him so irritable also saying he was leaving the country and i dont know for how long.
I need to add that the first time we were dating he was afraid of having a relationship so i left and continue my life and then we passed 6 months thinking of me, and crying and regreting for making me leaving and telling one friend all that stuff. We have a few friends in comun so he go out with everybody and he was avoiding me because he said that having feelings for me for me made him feel bad (because i didnt show interest) but after a weeks we went out another time with out friends and we talked and kissed and started again, he was acting so different so loving and so sure that he wanted me on his life, he talked about out future everytime and that he wanna marry me, we see each other a lot and having beautiful dates but then that problem with the job happened and he started fighting. About four days before he dump me he told me he was feeling strange and sad and also he was still saying that he wanna marry me and that im the love of his life. So im very confuse now i want to look for him before he is leaving and before christmas because i dont wanna him to be angry and say that i love him so much and i miss him a lot.
I am going through the same thing and would like to talk.
Hi Casey
I’ve attached my email, please feel free to contact me x
Hi I’m going through the same. Can I talk?
Hello Hami
I’ve just had a notification about your message and completely forgot about this post. it’s been nearly four years since I went through all this and I can tell you now i’m in a completely different place in my life- email me on nmccardal [at] gmail[dot] com and I will be happy to have a chat with you xxx
Some of this sounds like my situation but I am sorry…some people are depressed because they are selfish and feel sorry for themselves….it starts out as that which then in turn leads to depression. It is easy to feel sorry for yourself when you see all the fake happy pictures and posts on social media. You feel like you are missing out or you don’t have enough. Maybe their wouldn’t be so much depression if people would get off the stupid internet. Less porn, less lies to read and less time wasted when you should be enjoying actual life and not virtual life. Their is real depression and their is self made depression…in my case my husbands is self made and I have tried everything out there at my disposal but he is so far gone with self pity that I am now at a complete loss.
I agree – my partner (of 24 years) left almost a year ago – and has a real problem with a glass half full attitude and self sabotage – now he is in a one bed rented flat, running the same business he hates running, away from me, our home and our grown up kids – he has doubled his living costs, cut himself off from most friends and family and still appears here to walk the dog, feeling very sorry for himself. The fact that he left, thinking his life would be better this way, illustrates his blame of me and our family life for his unhappiness….he is so not happy, and will not admit it…all I can do is watch him as he may or may not work out a truly fulfilling path. It has been a difficult time in the run up to him leaving, and my life is good, but I feel so sorry that he is missing out on a potentially happy life and have no idea how to help him. I have not asked him to come back, and don’t want him to, but I feel that it has been a waste of a potentially happy situation. He works with computers, likes computer games, and I think prefers online porn to real sex or intimacy….I like to be outside living for real! This must be a growing problem.
Dear Katrin, it sure is a growing problem as I think it is a midlife crisis you’re talking about. I find myself in the same situation as you do. A midlife crisis (covert depression) is one of the main reasons for divorce. But the real problem is that people don’t know much or enough about this disease and therefor they think there a lots of others reasons why partners all of a sudden leave their families. I wish you lots of strength!
This series has been very enlightening, thank you. My wife has suffered from depression her whole adult life and has been withdrawn from our marriage for around a year and a half. At first it was more of an emotional…limbo…that I equated to the birth of our son. Over the past 6 months it has become increasingly worse with talk of divorce (she goes back and forth between “I’m not leaving you.” and “I’ll just leave.”) and being unhappy with marriage (ours as well as the concept in general) and hating her life.
This perceived unhappiness hit me like a freight train. I knew she still battled the depression, I knew she had moments worse than others…but unhappy with our marriage?! Hating her (OUR) life? I take an active part in her life and the lives of our children. I do my part with the housekeeping inside and outside. I have always done, what I call, “sweet nothings” for her during our entire time together…chocolates here, notes there, random cards and mini-gifts. We have always laughed and played together and yet have still maintained some”me” time. I have never verbally, emotionally, or physically abused my wife. I have treated her like the Queen I feel she is for our entire 11 years together. To say I thought our relationship was (and still has the potential to be) grand is be an understatement. I understand that everyone has his or her failings, and I’m no exception to that. I had spent too much time playing video games on some weekends, but I voluntarily ended that. I sometimes get mildly grumpy when her depression emerges, not mean…just grumpy (It’s really hard to remain up-beat in that situation…really hard). Both of us sometimes get frustrated with the kids, who doesn’t? I pray every night to be a better husband and father…and genuinely try to achieve that goal. So that freight train quickly turned into the feeling of a vice, with my heart firmly planted in the middle of it. A compressing void in my chest that I couldn’t fill. In my mind’s eye I saw my entire world, present and future, crumbling. I saw my child pulled from her Catholic school because of family divorce, I saw my 4 year old miserably depressed and withdrawn from life, I saw my 2 year old not growing up in a home with two parents.
Last week I had an “ah-ha” moment as we were watching TV after a particularly heated discussion of her perceived self-worthlessness, unhappiness, and talk of wanting to die. We had a great weekend. We were shopping for the garden, laughing and having fun alone, as well as having fun with the children. As I reflected on the weekend and her claim that the weekend was terrible and she experienced no fun or joy, I realized her depression was not allowing her to see the happy moments. She had said some things (she has said many lately) that deeply hurt me that day. Terrified of the answer, I softly asked her, “When you hurt me and say these things that you know will hurt me, do you feel any remorse?” Her reply was a sad, “Yes.” As awful as it sounds, it filled me with hope and happiness. As I gently reflected with her each moment of the past weekend in which I saw her happy, and saw the recognition of happiness, I knew right then. It’s the depression, it’s not our marriage. The depression cloaks moments of happiness with an evil shadow of unhappiness; an unhappiness that doesn’t allow the happy moments to be remembered.
Now that I have come to that realization, I don’t know what to do next. I know what NOT to do, I have to work hard to not take the things she says as a personal attack or an attack on our family. She is currently seeing a therapist, but I think the therapist is focused on the wrong thing (finding self, not resolving the depression). Sometimes the therapist helps, sometimes it makes things worse. She is also on medication again, which hasn’t been helping much yet. I told her I openly shoulder the burden with her, because I love her deeply. She tells me I have no idea what it’s like, the feeling of hopelessness and unhappiness…and she’s right. What I DO know; watching the person you love have such hate for herself and be so self destructive and destructive to our family is the most painful and sorrowful thing I can possibly imagine. What is the next step?
I was in tears when I finished reading your comment. My fiance has depression and every word your wife said just the same as he said…. I am so sad but I know I must be strong! I don’t know what else I can do… I love him so deeply……Most time I need to pretend I’m not hurt….He told me to find a happy guy begin a new life, I just cannot!
I am trying to see the forest through the trees. Same types of problems.
I used to get caught up in the net of my wife’s depression — would defend myself when she lunged at me with accusations or hurtful comments.
Stepping back helps. I don’t see much mention of medicinal approaches to deal with depression. Of course, mostly it appears the those mentioned refuse to acknowledge it.
I confronted my wife recently — yes she no longer sleeps all day like before, but she is the exact opposite in the extreme.
thank you for this. though I believe the divorce will happen soon this was a helpful insight into my husband. He actually read this and said thats scary it sounds exactly like me. but then went on to tell me it was because of our situation. So thats all. I find some peace in this article myself as maybe I;m not all to blame as I often feel.
I wonder if this was behind the reason I left my wife 2 years ago. I am since divorced and I still find myself wondering what went wrong.
One major difference in my case is that there were no angry outbursts and there was no violence. I never responded that way. I was diagnosed with MDD but it always manifested itself in withdrawal and feelings of emptiness and inadequacy. Perhaps I did feel angry inside, but if so it was mostly anger towards myself not others. I am a fairly patient person and not prone to violence.
I remember a time when I first decided to leave, and it felt like a huge weight had lifted off me. The emotion I felt was intense. I subsequently decided against it, but for a while I felt bad about how it felt to imagine leaving, and I wondered what it all meant. I didn’t actually leave until several months later, after many attempts to salvage the marriage. Again my case was different to yours as I was the one pleading for counselling but my wife refused.
Over time I began to notice that when I was alone I felt liberated and happy, but I also felt anxiety and even panic whenever my wife returned home. For a while I felt as though I was the worst thing in her life. I felt unwanted. Even today I feel that I effectively moved out of the way so that she could be happier.
My depression has been milder since then, but I’ve found myself reading this because lately it has been returning. It is the loneliness more than anything. I have been unable to recover from the losses I sustained. I lost all my friends and am now completely alone except for some friends on facebook.
Perhaps my situation was fundamentally different than what you describe, but I do remember many times wanting to leave the relationship in the years prior. In almost every case, it was driven by a feeling that I was the problem and that I was making my wife unhappy by continually letting her down and not being good enough for her. I felt that if I left, although it would make her upset, it would be for the last time. I even said so when I eventually did leave. I was deeply upset to have hurt her, but I felt that it was for the best. I felt she would be better off without me, and the truth is – she has been. She has now remarried and is doing much better than ever. In a weird way I feel happy for her, and even a little bit vindicated in that by leaving I have helped her to have a better life.
Meanwhile I’m just trying to be invisible. It doesn’t appear to be working. Might be time to go back to my doctor I think. 🙁
Steve-hang in there. You can have a new relationship as well as your ex-wife can.
I’m so glad I found this…I thought it was titled ‘Is it your marriage or your depression’ for some reason (maybe ‘cos there are billions of articles?) ANYWAY. This changed my life. I mean it. I’ve struggled for soooo long, married to a great guy who is loving spouse, father, success in providing for us, etc. And yet…I am so dissatisfied. All the time. Forever. UGH.
So…thanks to your insights and honest sharing of your struggle, I just asked myself the question again today and replied aloud “That’s right. It is NOT your marriage, or (most of) your relationships, it is YOU. It is that stupid, unrelenting depression. But you take stuff for it, and you keep trying…and it just IS. But it will not beat you, dummy!” (yes, I am so positive about myself, not)
Anyway. Thanks again.