It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
I was recently broken up with. We had been together for almost a year and things were generally really great. We had a few issues here and there but it was all stuff we were able to get through. I had just gotten home from a trip and the night before something had triggered intense anxiety and depression in him. I was trying to comfort him, he seemed to be doing better. He was telling me how he wanted to plan a trip to my hometown and that he loved me and missed me when I was away. I stayed the night and he woke up extremely anxious and wanted to be alone so I left early for work. He told me he needed space. I gave it to him. We met back up the next day and we didn’t have much time to ourselves, I wanted to bring things up, but I wasn’t sure how or if he wanted me to. In hindsight, I should have. Things felt off, he went home and he needed space for the next few days. Then he texted me saying he would need to end the relationship if I didn’t make changes to the way I supported him. He said that I wasn’t enough and couldn’t handle his mental health. I will admit, I have struggled with talking about feelings and emotions and knowing when to bring things up, but I thought I was getting better. We met up to discuss and argued for a few minutes. I told him I would try harder and he said he would tell me when he needed to talk. Then he needed space for the next few days. By the end of that week, he broke up with me. In the span of like 7 days we went from planning a trip to never talking to each other again. Its been 3 weeks, I don’t know how to handle this and how to move on.
Hi there,
I am experiencing the same exact thing currently. I am feeling lost and alone and feel as if I am getting desperate at this point. I don’t know what to do anymore either. I have been going to therapy but I still feel like I am not getting answers. How are you coping so far?
My partner started with his mood swings back in October’21 and in January he said the wants to break up and he wants to “escape”. Only 24hrs later he came back around and apologise, said that I am showing him new ways of dealing with his issues. But somethings was off, so we decided that he needs to speak to a specialist. In March’22 he was diagnosed with Depression and detachment issues. This is coming form his childhood and has been growing bigger with his parents divorce.
We were living together, and from a conversation about having a family we moved onto “our future is uncertain, let’s see how we handle with it”.
I told him that I am there, and though I am not a professional and I do not know how I will handle I will do my best to give him all the support he needs.
In April we spent 2 weeks travelling, visiting my mom and the first week all was great. Over the course of week 2 he started to withdraw, got cold, distant basically 180° opposite to the man I know. I could feel he needs space, so I will often leave him in the other room (we were still on holidays) and let him approach me as he feels. But that was not enough. He picked a fight the last night and he asked me:”why are you with me? You cannot handle with my depression! I am only hurting you…. I do not see future for us”. Two days later all was fine again. I had additionally planned a weekend away for his birthday and we had good time as well. We returned rejuvenated, I though, but just before we go to bed on 1st May’22 he turned and said: “I want to end this relationship, I do not see future for us”. We started arguing and then he said “But I still care about you”. I was turned.
We had a conversation few days later and he said again: “I want to escape. I need time and space for me, and I do not have it here, so I’ll move out. I cannot be in a relationship until I am happy with myself. I do not want to hurt you, I do not want to hurt the people I love anymore. I am annoying. I want to focus on my therapy and be myself again. This has nothing to do with you, it is just me.I want you to be happy” So, a week later he found and place and a week later he moved out.
Before he leaves, he came to give me 3 big, long, very strong hugs and then he left…
I really tried my best, to my knowledge and abilities without being an expert in depression to be there for him. I did myself coaching, so to be able to handle better and yet I could not save the connection.
I believe, we could have handled and I believe it gets worse before it gets better but he started a therapy, the next step to come is few weeks in a clinic I assume they will prescribe him mess. Yet, he gave up and I had to see him going.
It is really painful 💔 😢 but as he said “you do not understand” and he is probably right. I could not understand where the silver lining is, so to make things btw us work jointly.
Hi Tea,
So sorry you are going through this. I also find that my partner has these ‘mood swings’. One day he will be horrible, wants to leave, nothing is going right, doesn’t love me etc…then the next day is quite positive and chatty and pleasant to be around.
Its definitely exhausting 😔 and leaves me not knowing where I stand.
Depression is so heartbreaking. My partner is a completely different person to before. Each day is a struggle not only for him but for those closest to him ❤
Look after yourself xx
The more I read these comments the more I realise how common this is. We all seem to be in similar situations. Sorry this is a long post 😔
I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 3 years. We found eachother and connected instantly. We were so in love, lived together, had so much in common and were inseparable.
We decided to have a baby together, she was born January this year.
2 weeks after she was born, he had a mental breakdown over finances (he has two businesses, one which he started just before baby was born – worst timing, but I couldn’t convince him at the time) and he told me he is depressed and no longer in love with me. He told me he has felt like this for a long time. I was in shock hearing these words come out of his mouth. There I was, in the heat of postpartum, nursing our 2 week old baby, dealing with all that comes with becoming a first time mum and the love of my life tells me he doesnt love me anymore.
He said he just wants to be alone to sort himself out, needs to go and get help and is very confused but wanted to tell me how he is feeling.
I was absolutely heartbroken.
This happened 4 months ago. Since then we are still in the same house, however he has been sleeping at his shop most nights. He comes home to shower and see his daughter which is for no longer than 30 minutes. If he does sleep at home he sleeps in the spare room. He spends all his time working at his two businesses and going to the gym. I get no help at home.
I have voiced my feelings to him so many times but its like he just can’t see it from my point of view?
He is into bodybuilding and is putting all of time into that and his businesses. He is struggling financially and as I am on maternity leave, im hardly able to help.
He ha simulated himself from his family, my family and our friends. Wont talk to anyone.
Im really close with his parents so I have been seeing them quite a bit, just to vent and so they can see their granddaughter. His mum is devastated. So many of us are struggling with his depression.
He has been put on medication but won’t go and talk to a therapist.
Im almost at my wits end. My head and my heart are constantly arguing. I get so angry about how he has just left me and our baby but then I think about the mental illness itself and feel sorry for him.
He is a totally different man to who he was before. He is exhausted, tired, stressed, run down. This depression is really taking its toll. He hasn’t smiled or laughed in so long. When I see him it’s as though we are just friends or housemates. It absolutely breaks my heart.
I try and talk to him and he shuts off and just again says that his feelings have changed.
I have support from friends and family. Most of them understand but they all love to give me their opinions, I know they are just worried about me but its draining.
I feel our situation is in limbo at the moment. Since being put on his meds he has some good days, but I can tell when he is having a bad day. The bad days he talks about separating, saying things haven’t changed (yet he won’t try anything to change it?!) He wants to move out. I said I will take our baby and go to my mums because honestly I could do with the help and support. I haven’t moved yet as I guess I am holding onto hope that his meds will kick in and he will change his mind?? He has removed all traces of me from social media, as though me and our baby dont exist. On one of his bad days he got jealous that I was following other men on instagram. He said he can’t handle seeing that and he removed me from his Facebook and instagram so he doesn’t have to see it. He said if I have moved on that quickly then I may as well hurry up and move out! He can be so negative and horrible on his bad days.
I see glimmers of hope on his good days. He’s friendly, chatty, helpful. I see hints of the person he was before all of this. After his bad day I got my suitcase out and started to pack some things to go stay at my mums. He didn’t come home that night and said that he saw the suitcase and he needs time to think.
This has all been going on for 4 months now and I am honestly so exhausted. Things aren’t getting worse but they also aren’t getting better either.
I’ve asked him multiple times if he has met someone else. Coming from a previous marriage where my ex husband had an affair, this naturally was the first thing that crossed my mind. He said there isn’t anyone else and I honestly believe him, he has no time or the energy at the moment for his businesses, his baby or anything, let alone someone else.
I get geared up to go and stay at my mums but then he will have a really good week and I think things are getting better so I stay.
I continue to tell him how much I love him, how I want to sort this out together and that I am here for him always. Despite how he has been treating me.
I’ve sought professional help for myself but there is a long wait to get in to see the therapist.
I feel like im losing my mind because I feel he isnt in the right head space to be making life changing decisions. This is all so sudden. He literally went from being so happy, funny and excited to become a dad to this she’ll of a human who finds no joy in anything. He said he has had suicidal thoughts but they have gone now, especially when he thinks of our baby.
I don’t want to leave him because I love him and want to support him and be here when he starts to feel better.
I just can’t understand how someone could be so in love and then switch it off and feel nothing? We were so in love, never argued or had a fight. He was just perfect and i adored him. I feel like the biggest idiot because I have always been so proud of him and told everyone who wanted to listen how in love with him I am. He was my everything. And to think that he has been feeling this way for a long time breaks me. He has NEVER once mentioned this to me or given me any reason to think his feelings have changed. It blows my mind.
I’ve tried explaining that its the depression talking and making him feel this way but he thinks he is depressed because he was so unhappy?? I just can’t fathom it.
I’m going to blow my own trumpet here and say that I have always been a happy, bubbly, positive person. I have always supported him in anything he chooses to do. I’ve been the person to do all of his bodybuilding meal prep, cooked all of his meals, taken his progress photos, encouraged him every single day! Im his biggest fan and he always said how lucky he is to have me.
Sorry for the long post, I am just so lost. I dont want to lose him. I just love him so much and can’t imagine being with anyone else. Yet I’m so angry at him for putting me through this with a new baby. We haven’t got to experience the little family unit we always dreamed of together.
My social media is flooded with friends out on weekends with their husbands and babies and it breaks my heart.
I think my next step is to go and stay at my mums for a few weeks, even just for a break and to eat properly. Ive always been small but I’ve lost a tonne of weight since bub was born due to breastfeeding and the stress this has given me.
Maybe he will miss me and our baby? Maybe giving him a taste of what he wants will make him think? …but maybe it won’t. Either way I need to do something.
Hi there!
What you are describing, your own feelings included resonates so much with what I am experiencing myself. This sudden change of personality, no underlying problems in the relationship, then my disbelief by the lack of consideration (no babies were involved but I left the job and the house and my whole life to move across the globe to be with him and then this happens)
I was wondering what happened since you posted your story here?
Hope you’re well, and the baby too
K
How did you get on because some of what you said is happening to me. We was trying for a baby for over a year but it didn’t happen. I’m still lost, keeping busy because it’s less time thinking about where it all came undone. It’s been 4 week’s now. He said I’m not in love anymore. It flipped from I deeply in love with you, will never go of you I love you so much. He got a 7 seater so we could go on day trips he said I wouldn’t of stressed myself out getting one if I didn’t want to be with you. Then messages 3 week’s ago saying I’m not in a good mental state at the moment, I don’t know what I want or see where anything is going. You deserve a lot more affection than I can give. Perhaps I rushed into a relationship I don’t know I will never know what I want. I was so confused by his message how can after 2 and half years have rushed into a relationship. I know his had issues he worries himself Sick when ill, constantly thinking his got cancer, his dad died of cancer. He wasn’t happy at last job he had a lot of pressure, he goes into another job HGV driving new truck’s up and down UK, his shifts changed, getting up early, being put upon he actually said I wish I wasn’t at work and text me wish I was home this day’s been hell, I know he don’t like it but works to give his ex maintenance, he struggles financially. His had problems with ex over kid’s with her bringing criminal into the house one who was talking to underage girl’s and Thief he had to get social services involved. His got to have op on his leg after football injury. This as all probably triggered it off but I think 4 days prior he had accident at work not his fault but the body repair people caused that could of caused a very dangerous accident, I think tipped him. I can see all the warning signs now he tick’s all the categories of depression. 1. losing interest in his weights and exercise. 2. Sense of humour was going. 3. Getting irritable. 4. Feeling tired constantly. 5. Waking up at stupid hours struggling to sleep. 6. Not eating properly. 7. Lack of interest in thing’s even sex. 8. Complaining about aches, pains, headache, backaches. 9 worrying about a mole on his head or stomach pain thinking the worse. His mom don’t know what to do his shutting himself in room. His kid’s went back to their mom’s early in school hols because it was up to his mom all the time. It’s like someone as took over his body. His mom said his lost load’s of weight. She’s tried to talk to him but he gets aggitated so she backs off. He says it’s not depression but says he’s trying to get help with doctor. Then he said a few weeks ago I got a lot of issues my health, I told mom I may need Therapy to get my head sorted I’m trying not to have a mental breakdown if I’m being honest so that’s confused me. He was on meds after his wife cheated and kicked him out. His mom said she used to belittle him in front of friends, put him down, call him names. He said she never gave affection his not used to it and perhaps his put barriers up. I think his so confused. I love him so much it’s hurt. I miss him so much. We was looking forward to Blackpool we had been on day trips. Perhaps he can’t see a future him struggling and living at his mom’s I don’t know. He said his not in love anymore I’m just trying to be honest and open. Is this depression talking. It’s screwed my head up because he wanted to live with me and have a baby. It helps to talk to people going through this because I’m feeling like I’m going mad. Going over old messages and thinking about moment’s we had. I’m going to gym to stop me going of the edge. It’s amazing how many of us going through this and I’m not alone. Not many have been through this so they don’t understand and keep saying move on but it’s not that simple when your still in love. Love to chat to someone, advice or to vent because it will help.
I too found this thread by searching for similar experiences. My partner and I have been together for 9 months. We both fell very deeply and incredibly hard pretty quickly. I have a 4 year old son. I had always promised myself I would wait at least 6 months before introducing him to a partner, but it felt so real and natural that I only waited 3 months. He moved in with us shortly after to help me out (I have chronic health issues and managing a home as a single, full time employed mom is really stressful).
We’ve been one big happy family up until he stopped taking his medication due to side effects of sleepiness and decreased libido. In his defense, he did try 4 different medications. Each one caused worsening side effects until he couldn’t take it anymore. Within one week I noticed a stark contrast in his mood. This highly affectionate, attentive, kind, empathetic, and loving man was suddenly a shell of his former self. Distant, cold, quiet, and irritable. We had our first real argument this past Friday, where he told me this relationship isn’t what it used to be and something has to change. We discussed how we could treat one another more compassionately during trying times (we’ve both been going through so much; including health issues, lost jobs, a dying pet, etc). I initiated asking if he would go back on medication and he agreed he needed to. He told me he had been considering moving to Florida to take care of his mom’s house while she travels as a nurse. I asked him if he could wait to make that decision while stabilized and he agreed. We made a plan on connecting and doing fun things together. It went well over the weekend. Sunday was Mother’s Day and we went kayaking with my son. We planned a camping trip for this upcoming weekend. I gave him a loving massage to connect Sunday evening, and I thought it was improvising. Then Monday morning, he left for work at his new job and didn’t come home or text me until 9 pm. The next night he did this again. It felt like he was fading himself out and avoiding me. Last night he texted me to say he was staying at a friends. I felt the inevitable breakup was coming, so I stated if that was his decision I would prefer knowing instead of the agony of waiting. He ended up coming home and we talked and cried until 3 am. He told me he loves my son and me both deeply and doesn’t “want” to end things, but he feels so overwhelmed and like it can’t possibly improve. He said he made the decision to move to Florida because he thinks that’s what he needs right now. This is crushing to me since we had so many things planned (and paid for) over the summer, and because my son and I have become so used to him being here with us every day. I can’t possibly imagine going back to doing this all alone, but it’s even harder to picture a day where I won’t see him- especially when I don’t know if he will be returning home to me or if this is his way of fading out permanently. I have reactive attachment disorder so this situation is causing me so much anxiety. He did reach out today and said he made an appointment with his psychiatrist, but the first available isn’t until May 30th, and he doesn’t feel he should live in my home while waiting to get medication again. So everything feels very up in the air right now. I’m trying to focus on the fact he’s been very loving about this, he has recognized his mood and how it’s impacting me, plus he says he loves me and doesn’t want to end things. But seeing this pattern with your stories terrifies me that he’s just said these things to soften the blow and is actually planning to disappear. There’s obviously no way of knowing what the future will hold; and that part is hardest for me (the fear of the unknown). I feel for everyone here who has similar stories. Mental illness is so hard.
We dated for more than four years. I’ve never met anyone who brought me up more than him, even in hindsight I can’t find anything toxic. Our friend circles merged, our families loved us. Almost two years in he chased a promotion which moved him out of state. The day he moved he broke down, realizing he valued us more than work. But we made it work, we talked every day and saw each other at least every other weekend, all the holidays. I could work remote in the pandemic and spent at least a week a month with him, we had so many fun adventures. His work became more and more stressful and toxic as pandemic consequences hit his company and he hated it. He finally accepted a demotion to come back home, signed the paperwork and was so excited. But his work didn’t want him to leave and ended up blocking his transfer but promising to send him home in a year. I was disappointed he didn’t just quit on the spot because he was so upset but I told him we’d figure it out, maybe I’d spend the year with him. The next day he was cleaning puke off the floor when he called me, a normal conversation otherwise but he didn’t end it with ‘I love you’. He didn’t answer calls/texts the day after that, then called me the day after saying he was breaking up, he has depression, he had an episode before he met me and never told me and this is goodbye. Over the next week he wouldn’t talk or text, slowly deleting internet evidence of the life we built. He committed to a phone call a week later but I could see in his eyes it wasn’t him, he was so upset and just not there. I couldn’t believe it, I asked him if this was the last time we’d ever speak and he said I don’t know and hung up. I went to his door Andrea weeks later and he wouldn’t talk to me. That was 8 months ago. About 5 months after this happened he reached out saying he missed me and I am an incredible woman and he misses our life but he went silent after I tried to get him to engage more. He’s still working the job he can’t stand and communicated his self worth is tied up in work and if he can find a job back home he wants to reengage but doesn’t think it will work out otherwise. I don’t know what to do, how to help, how to move forward. I am hurt and stuck knowing the person I thought I’d spend forever with still cares for me yet has ghosted me, and I have a houseful of his stuff including the car we own. I can only imagine every time I reach out supporting I’m making him feel worse. But not knowing if he’s gotten help, moved on or just in general what’s going on has me broken. What do I do? His 40th birthday was last week and I hoped that would change something. What can I say to him? How do I heal?
Hi Linda,
It is so painful to read all the stories here, so relatable, yours too. You said it was like seeing another person. I experinced the same.
Did the story develop in some way since you posted here?
K
I am going through something like this. My partner recently revealed he was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts and broke up with me because he wanted to experience something different, move away, talk to other people. We’ve been together a total of 11 years, lived together two years, and got engaged in February 2021, he’s done this before when we were teenagers (at the time it wasn’t intense because, we were so young). But now we’re both 26, it hurts so bad and the wound is very fresh right now.
After we talked, we traced it back to his depression and unsatisfaction with the current state of our lives. ( My parent’s lost their place and had to move in with us & I financially support a family member in the prison system – He is working the same job for the past 8 years and is still in school for health science). I love and care for him so much that I am asking if he is willing to seek therapy, he said he will. My friend suggested and offered to cover the cost of a first session of couples therapy if we want to make it work, I’m willing to do it – not sure if he will be. We’ve been together so long, he says he does not want to lose the friendship we had. I don’t either. I hope he agrees to see a therapist together and we can work on the underlying issues that cause this doubt and feeling of worthlessness. I’m struggle with anxiety so this is making me feel horrible. As selfish as this sounds, I don’t want to lose a relationship that created so much happiness for me…
Time to go / time doesn’t return
I am currently experiencing a break up, due to him wanting to address his deep unhappiness.
Back story:
He (33 y.o.) and I (32) were together for four months and it was going so well! We frequently expressed how much we respect and care for each other – and how lucky we feel we are. He frequently reminded me of how worthy I was. Every so often, he mentioned that I deserve better, but he was trying to be what I deserve. He lives an hour away (and we have completely different schedules) but we would both work to make sure we saw each other twice a week, even briefly. We messaged every day. Not all day – because we both are very busy.
End of September, he crashed. He works long hours at a restaurant, and was burnt out. He had cancelled one of our dates, and the next time I saw him, we spoke about it. He wanted a change, but didn’t know what that was – maybe change jobs, maybe move – and expressed that he wanted to go back to therapy. I said I fully supported him and was here for him. I asked if we were alright, and he said yes. He explained that he has this pattern: is good for a while, then gets burnt out, and then leaves and finds a new place. He said he doesn’t want to repeat this pattern and wants to stop the cycle.
October we kept with our routine, but work got harder and harder for him. We took a 4 day trip together and had a great time.
November I noticed a bit of distance, but when we were together it was wonderful. He even joked that we should quit our jobs together – and said he was possibly going to look for work closer to me, or a neighboring city ‘Come with me?’ He asked. We spent thanksgiving together and had a nice time, despite us going to bed early and sleeping for 13 hours because he was exhausted from work.
The next week, he canceled on our Saturday, saying he felt nauseous and exhausted, then was very curt over messages. He agreed to come out to me Tuesday, but I knew what was coming. When he arrived, he said that he felt lost in life – that he felt he should be farther along in life and in career than he is. He said that he was a deeply unhappy person, and that he has run from it repeatedly, thinking a change of scenery would help. Essentially, he said, he was drowning. He said he spent the day before looking for therapists, because he needs to focus on what is going on with him – and it wouldn’t be fair to me to be together. He made the decision to break up just yesterday.
We spoke for three hours, holding hands, with me intermittently crying.
I asked if there was a way we could still be together AND for him to work on this (heck, I’m in therapy right now too!), he said he feels like he needs to go on his journey alone and doesn’t want to burden me, or make me into a pseudo therapist. He referenced the book ‘Depression is Contagious’ and worried that, while I make him very happy, he needs to find his happiness in himself before he can give to a healthy relationship.
I asked if there was someone else (I really expressed my need for extreme honesty) – he said no, there’s no one. He doesn’t want to date. I asked if he thinks he would ever want to be with me again, and he said ‘Maybe’ to which I groaned. Then he said ‘I want to be with you now, I just can’t ask you to wait around for me.’
And then the kicker: ‘I know you aren’t going to believe this: But you did nothing wrong, you were an incredible partner, and I want to be with you, I just can’t. It really isn’t you, it’s me. I’m so sorry.’
Eventually we stood up, held hands, and he kissed me. Tenderly. He expressed his fear of turning into his father, a sad old man, and I told him I was proud of him for starting this long journey into himself – and loving himself enough to prioritize himself. He cried (for the first time in years) and held me and kissed me. He said ‘don’t disappear from my life, okay?’
__
So what do I do? Is it possible that he could get into therapy and want to come back? We didn’t even get a chance to get off the ground, we never even had an argument!
I miss him terribly and I want to be there to support him.
We are meeting today to discuss boundaries in friendship (I asked for this conversation). But I am so worried that he has already moved on from me.
It just seems like such an extreme option. It was a beautiful relationship that has so much promise! I feel so defeated.
My wife,of 12 years walked away. Her father had cancer, lost his battle after 2 years. It was her breaking point. She started an affair, our marriage ended. She went from a loving,funny,cheeky,beautiful person in Nov of 2013,and six weeks later she was gone. Walked a way from me,…and our two kids.
It is a brain illness…period. There is nothing you can do,nothing I could do. It took me years to figure this out.Coming form a man who inherently thinks he can fix anything,I turned to reading.Once I sorted out that this woman who I once knew,was no longer there I started to turn back to the empathetic person I am at heart. Instead of trying to hate her,I through all my uderstanding of mental illness, forgave her. My love, even to this days keeps me smiling inside that it’s ok to love her from afar. I never changed,..ever. I hear in your story his self loathing,his self deprecation which is a hallmark of depression. There will be days that no matter what,no matter how YOU feel,it will never register with him.One side feelings will always hit that brick wall.You deserve love, touch, feeling, a hand hold,a cuddle on the sofa,under a blanket,watching a movie,laughter. To know someone in your life, when you’re not with them, actually thinks of you, cares for you, worries about you…..for you. He will always “need” you for him.To prop him up ,but only when he needs that,if he can convince himself he’s worthy.Which is not often.That saying “he doesn’t even know I exist” is real. They struggle just to exist themselves. Depression tells them so, they are not loveable. If they hate themselves, they have little room for love for someone else.
Sure,you may have fleeting moments,I call those bread crumbs.Small emotional crumbs that keep us attached somehow. I still play with bread crumbs. In the 8 years now that she left,we have two now grown children,21 and 19,so I see her in person frequently. I try to get cheeky with her,even flirt a bit, and the darkness in her eyes is something I will never get over. She “had” the most beautiful eyes and smile,and no one knew her better then me. Her eyes have physically changed.
It took me sometime to realize it was never me, it was her. She has never said that, but knows it. She too quit multiple jobs, and has moved just as often. Common theme with depressives. In fact she has just done it again. always the same theme. I hate my job,I hate my co-workers,I hate this,I hate that”
Blame….they are great at blame. Never once looking in the mirror and taking stock. It’s called escapism .They constantly look outwards for literally anything to ignite some emotion. That’s my my ex had her affair. Anhedonia is the term used,where your threshold for happiness is so low, you seek anything to boost it,from affairs,drugs,alcohol,porn,gambling,and even work,a new career.
“wherever you go…there you are”. It doesn’t escape them. Sadly he is using you. For reasons he’ll never fully know. He doesn’t know it, but now…I hope you do. As you are fairly early days, my advice is to move on. However if you choose to talk about boundaries as you say, and still want to hold on to bread crumbs,he has to seek treatment. But,what is likely to happen is he will not. The self loathing kicks in and they fall further down the rabbit hole. Don’t let him take you with him. Put on your own oxygen mask. There mental health can take yours with it. I had a Nana with Alzheimers, a Grandad with Dimentia, a best friend with a brain tumor. All became people who they weren’t. From cussing, to anger,self harm,etc they were literally not in there right minds.
I saw my wife in less than two months turn into a cold and blaming stranger. Told me “we were never best friends” we should never have gotten married”…and “I never loved you”.
That, regardless of how hard I try has always left a scar . Once I understood her brain illness, I forgave her.
I wish you the very best, and you sound like an incredibly caring and empathetic person. Please, look in your own mirror, and no matter who you want to be with, always be you. As the saying goes, “don’t change so someone will like you, be who you are and the right person will love you”
Take care
Doug
Mental illness is so damn heartbreaking 🥲
Thank you so much Doug. Your response means a lot.
I have since met with him. He has expressed missing me a lot, regretting what he did – but then worrying he will withdraw again, and being unwell. He reached out to an old therapist and has been seeking a new one (but many practices are full). We have held hands, hugged, even a brief kiss. I swear I could see care in his eyes – but maybe I’m seeing what I want to see.
After so many weeks, I miss him as potently. I still feel like we make each other’s lives better – even a small amount. I know I can’t fix or change him, and it’s not my place. I can’t take away the pandemic, the stressful job, or the feelings of unworthiness – but we can be there for each other. Maybe.
I reach out once a week with something light – or a ‘thinking of you!’ – he tells me I’m the most empathetic person he knows, that he truly is thankful for me, and appreciates my support and positivity.
I wish he would just accept me back into his life. I don’t know how to move on. I just feel like we had so much potential and there’s so much left to do together. I don’t want to believe it is a lie.
At times I want to do a ‘hail mary’ and ask if he could just try – but I know that would be overwhelming. I often wonder if he misses me like I miss him. Maybe he has already moved on.
Thank you for listening.
Your story hits me right in the feels. I am going through something similar with my partner. It’s truly heartbreaking. Mental illness is such a sad disease. Thinking of you!
Oh, Laura – I am so sorry that you’re in a similar situation. This is very difficult and all the self care in the world (ordering sushi and crying) is not seeming to help. I really hope you are doing good things for you and have good, supportive people to remind you of your goodness. I’m thinking of you, too!
I hope that things work out with you and your partner. I asked my ex if he could meet up for coffee, and he said he could on a weekend before work. I asked him to let me know what weekend works for him – so we will see if it happens. I want to ask if our communication is still working for him, I fear being a hinderance or an irritant. I can get so critical of myself and want to do right by the both of us.
Hi Lou,
Just want to say your story is pretty much identical to mine, my boyfriend is suffering and broke up with me yesterday. He says he still loves me but needs to be alone to figure himself out and figure out how to be alone before he can be in a happy relationship with me. I’m really scared it will all end with us never being together again but I’m hopeful with the right treatment he will in time feel better and we can work on us again. I hope you are doing okay and I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story on here, it’s helpful to hear of others going through the same thing, it feels less lonely.
Hey Amber,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation. I agree that it feels less lonely to know that our experience is not isolated – but I am sorry that you are in pain (and that he is, too).
I have been doing my best to be alright, but it’s hard sometimes. I have done all of the things ‘they’ say to do: time with friends, focus on hobbies, seek therapy. He has pretty much fallen off of the map, at this point. I believe him to be doing well; he got a new job last I spoke to him and is feeling ‘hopeful for the future.’ He does not initiate contact. I truly hope he has found a therapist and is feeling better in general. I still grieve, this time grieving the friendship we said we would maintain. The feelings of abandonment and rejection are the worst, but those are mine to sort through. I wish I could believe all he said during our split, but I don’t know if I do anymore – too little information to make that assessment.
I hope your situation ends differently than mine. In any regard, do your best to be kind to yourself. There are days that will feel terrible, and then days that feel sort of alright. One thing I would impart: Focus more on YOU and how YOU are feeling than caretaking HIM and HIS experience. Hopefully he has a support network around him, but that is not for you to do. I know you probably worry yourself sick (believe me, I get it), but you’ve got to look out for you.
I’ll be sending you my best,
Lou
I hope you’re doing ok Lou. Your story is very similar to mine. 4 months down the line my ex has fallen off the map too after responding a few times to me reaching out..he has run away to work across Europe & shaved his hair off. He seemed so happy to hear from me but initiates nothing. At a certain point it clicks that they guy that adored you threw you away like you’re meaningless trash & you’re trying for him..while he makes no effort for you. I have chosen to stop trying. I can’t keep chasing, hoping & expecting to be treated well. There is no sign he wants me in his life. I’m still completely heartbroken. Much like you I have good days & bad days, this weekend has been bad. I still question everything & wonder how this has even happened.
Hey Kelly – thank you so much for your message. I am sending you lots of good energy and virtual hugs.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have tried to arrange a meet-up so we could formally look at each other and say ‘it’s okay – I don’t need to be in your life – I wish you all the best.’ I want to be in places where I am wanted.
It’s confusing when the detaching partner says, ‘Please stay in contact, please stick around – I want you in my life’ – and then actions are to the contrary. I know closure comes from within, but I am still a bit torn about just blocking and/or never reaching out again. At least without a departing message, I guess.
It seems as though his new job is better than his last, and he is getting around to reading books from my favorite author. So those are two good things, and for that, I am happy for him. I, too, am trying to grow and seek happiness on a daily basis (some days are better than others).
As a reminder (of things you probably already know): You are so worthy of someone sticking around and appreciating your value. Whatever is going on with your former partner does not define your worth. And we will never ever truly know why things happen – unfortunately, they just do. You have learned a lot about humans (and probably yourself) through this experience. And through it all, you’ve remained a person worthy of respect and good treatment. I really hope you give that to yourself – and I hope that you have people in your life and meet new people who treat you that way.
All my best,
Lou
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation Lou, what you are going through is both unfair and seemingly inexplicable; knowing those feelings are there from him and yet his not being able to commit to the relationship is a nightmare to live through.
It’s incredibly unfair on you and not reflective of the depth of love you’ve shown to him.
You are a very kind and caring person, to have invested so much consideration in his wellbeing, through it all.
I can speak from the other side of the fence as someone who is in the reverse situation (as the depressed/anxious partner in my case) and confirm that it is possible to have feelings of great love for your partner, and yet have such a constant sense of overwhelm, inadequacy , insomnia and evaporating self-confidence that it feels like there’s no choice but to step away, even though it’s the thing you fear the most.
It’s absolutely horrible for both parties, and stems from an illness that I pray we’ll better understand in the decades to come.
I hope you’ve been well supported by those closest to you and are able to lookout for your own well-being in a time of transition. Take care, David.
Hello David,
Thank you so much, your response means a lot to me. Thank you so much for your consideration.
I am doing my best – showing up at work for my students, I’m in therapy, I am trying to connect with friends. And, of course, reading many books on depression (and other things).
I miss him. I reach out once a week and get a little response. He is dragging his heels on meeting up. Told me he’s available weekend mornings, and I asked him to pick the time – nothing yet. Many people in my life tell me that he was just making excuses, and I suppose we will never know. Most are not convinced he had depression, and don’t understand why he would push me (goddess of empathy) out of his life. The first thing to go. He’s still in his job that’s killing him, but he dropped me.
All I know is he said I’m the most empathetic person he knows, and he wishes he could flip a switch in his brain and be better. And I remember how he held my hands last I saw him. And the look over his shoulder as he walked away. It felt real.
I’m conflicted. He said before that he greatly appreciates my support and my positivity, even if he doesn’t reach out to me. He had asked for me not to leave his life. But since we parted, I am the only one reaching out. I am happy to do so, if it really is helping, but I worry I am a nuisance. I’d hope he’d tell me if he didn’t want to hear from me anymore. I just kind of feel like a lovesick fool.
I know he said he doesn’t have a timeline. I don’t even know if he has found a therapist (finding one is hard right now). I can’t imagine trying to see anyone else, because my heart is still with him. I wish I had some magic words that would convince him to come back – I truly believe we made each other’s lives better by nature of being with each other.
So I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do. Leaving him completely feels so wrong. I suppose if he told me he was better, or met someone new, I’d be happy for him and be able to shut that door. But…what if he still cares? What if he yearns for me like I do him?
Any words of wisdom are so appreciated. I miss him terribly, and these nightly ‘loving kindness’ meditations I do and energy I send to him just don’t feel like enough…
Hi Lou,
Everything you say makes sense, and the sense of anguish is very understandable given that you want something that is both desirable and seemingly unattainable, while he is in this moment of limbo.
If he has asked for you and he to stay connected, then making contact – even if virtual – may be a good place to start.
For the longer term, it is really on him to come to a position where he can commit to reconnecting beyond friendship, and I know this is at the apex of the maelstrom of emotions you may be feeling.
My advice to you would be to continue reaching out gently, and when possible and – and the same time – to focus on other areas of your life that build you up, and bring you joy.
It may be that he and you are able to connect more regularly, but where this cannot be guaranteed it is most important in this situation that you throw everything into feeling the most complete version of yourself.
I’m really sorry this is such a turbulent time for you – it may way be similarly turbulent for him, even as he’s not able to communicate that as such.
Please do keep sharing your situation as it develops , if that would be helpful – there is a lot of wisdom across the forum which may be useful for the moment you are going through.
Compassionate wishes,
David
Hi David,
Thank you for your response! I really appreciate your perspective from a person who has ‘been there’ – so to speak. And I so appreciate your compassion and thoughtfulness.
I will continue to reach out gently with innocuous well wishes each week. That is, unless he asks me to stop. But he has not yet. Eventually, I may breach the idea of grabbing coffee together again. I made him a piece of pottery that I had promised him over Christmas – so I’d like to hand that off.
I am doing my best in therapy, work, and assorted activities – I really am trying. The rumination is constant, despite my best efforts. I do not want to pursue others romantically, though. Many friends encourage me to, but my heart is elsewhere.
May I ask a personal question? Have you ever pushed out a person you had love for? Did you eventually come to a place where you wanted to reconcile?
I am worried that he is just beating himself up over this and telling himself that he is a burden and I deserve better – at least, that’s what it was sounding like a little while ago. It also sounds like he has gotten ‘worse’ since our split (the stress, panic attacks, and deep misery he has described since then). So I doubt he would feel like reaching out to reconcile at this point; if he felt he was not a good enough partner for me in Nov., no doubt he feels less capable now.
Regardless if he ever sees me as a romantic opportunity again – I do just want him to know he has someone in his corner. So I will continue to do that. And I’ll tell my heart to get with the program, I guess (even though the thought of dating someone else makes me nauseous).
Thank you for your time, David – it honestly means so much to me.
All my best,
Lou
Hi Lou and David. This resonates and hurts so bad. Thank you for making me not feel like I am going through this alone. Have you heard anything Lou? Thinking of you, and I feel your pain.
Hey KK,
I hope you are doing well. Sending you lots of good energy.
I have not heard from him. I reach out once a week, say something like ‘Sending my best!’ etc. – or some random picture of something relevant. He always responds.
Friends have told me ‘he’s trying to send a message – stop reaching out’ and have likened me to a clingy ex – so I am presently feeling a lot of self-doubt. He has not told me to stop reaching out (with words, anyway).
I am debating sending him a ticket to a concert I got for him in November (he knows about the show). It’s only fair, it’s his ticket. But I am terrified that I am a complete nuisance to him at this point. Wish I could hear his perspective. Was he just saying all those things to soften the blow? Does he actually enjoy my support? No idea. So I feel like a fool.
How are you doing? I am thinking of you.
Hi Lou, David and KK,
I’m in the same position as well. He just ended after 2.5yrs, said he was feeling emotionally overwhelmed and that he can’t do relationships. Am so heart broken. When he first talked about breaking up, I cried so much until he suggested 3 mths no contact to hopefully get better. After a month, I texted him to say that I was still here for him. But that’s when he told me to let him go.
Everyone’s stories hit home. My gf of 9 months also fell into a deep depression in which I tried to be there to help her for but I ended up being pushed away. She has had a cycle of these depression and always runs away from them instead of facing them, they were mostly caused by a horrible childhood trauma. I feel helpless and useless at this point, I try to exercise and paint to get my mind right but shes always running through my mind wishing that I could somehow make her mental illness go away for good. She plants to leave by the end of may to Texas and live with her best friend for 6 months or so, at the moment we are broken up but she still reassures her love for me and that shes still in love with me but needs to do this self healing journey alone. Its gonna be so difficult fo me, especially since her friend sometimes encourages her to drink and stuff but we talked about it and made promises to remain committed and faithful to one another. We also promised to disciple our minds from alcohol and bad habits. I really hope she follows through since shes so good at convincing me that she will come back for us to be good with one another so that we can start building and have a family together. She reminds me that she deeply loves em but needs to sacrifice the relationship for a bit, she has made an appointment to seek therapy and is waiting for the confirmation. I hope shes being honest with me since she told me that all she wants from me is to trust her.
Hi Lou,
I hope you are well and things are slowly working out. I’m not sure if your still on this thread or not. But just wanted to reach out and say your post stopped me from crying this morning. It’s not been 5 months since my husband of 14 years left home to be alone due to his undiagnosed mental health. We have 3 kids and it’s been a roller coaster.
I work in the disability field and to support someone at work is so much easier but, when it is your own – it’s heart breaking. You question yourself, place blame on yourself and second guess everything. I still see my husband everyday, he wants to be involved with the kids. I try and be as supportive as I can but, often end up so emotionally heart broken all over again. We have been together 23 years. And in the person I see now is the complete opposite. There are days when I see the real him and it makes me hold on to hope that he will realise and see the real me who loves him and wants to support him through it all.
I felt different reading your post and your empathy astounds me. I will take a different approach to be there for him if he wants me to.
Thank you Lou.
Hello Teamwork,
Thank you so much for your message. I am so, so sorry to hear about your situation. I am sending you a giant hug. I commend you for coparenting during this difficult time.
I really appreciate your kindness. As it stands, nothing has changed for me. I have checked in every so often, and he seems to be doing well in his new job – so I am happy for him. Despite him saying he wants me in his life, he doesn’t put forth effort. I will eventually ask for a conversation about this, in order to get more clarity. If he does truly want me in his life, that’s fine – I’d love that. Yet I worry I am a nuisance and spending energy on someone who does not truly want me around. We both deserve better than that. I have made peace with him changing his mind and building a life without me in it.
I’ve worked hard to get to a place of truly loving him as an autonomous person, and not projecting my wants onto him. Therefore, if he’d rather not have me in his life, I’m in full support. I only hope he has people in his life to lean on. And I deserve to be around people who want me around. I can’t change anyone’s mind, can’t wake anyone up – all I can do is emotionally tend to myself and be realistic about what I can and can’t control.
Your work is so important and emotionally taxing. I work in education, so I also have a habit of doing more emotional labor than necessary. Empathy is a beautiful thing – AND – I want you to make sure you are prioritizing your own mental and emotional health. He is tending to himself, in whatever way he sees fit, so you need to look out for you. If you get to a point where you are open to holding space for him, you can do that. But please don’t do this at your expense. You are equally as important and valuable in this situation. And in case no one has told you lately: You are enough. More than enough. You don’t need to do or be anything more.
I love my former partner – he has never been mean or disrespectful or angry, I hold no ill will. I want him to be at peace and enjoy his life. I want him to find joy and be around those he wants to share that with. AND I want to be treated well and respected by those in my life (he doesn’t disrespect me, he’s just distant – more of an acquaintance at the moment). I will be here for him should he want to have a connection, but I need to set emotional boundaries so I don’t get wholly immersed in his experience. Just wanted to voice that because you seem to also have a very kind and generous heart.
I’m still leveled by this loss. And I wonder if I’ll ever truly be loved by anyone. I wish I could change so many things – but I just take it one day at a time.
Please be good to yourself.
How are you both going Lou?
My partner of nearly a year, whom I love dearly messaged me out of the blue telling that he knows I won’t be happy as long as I am with him and he knows he can’t be in a relationship.
We spoke on a phone once, I know this is his depression talking, not him.
We will meet hopefully in a few days, however this needs to happen on his terms.
For a moment I do not believe he truly wants us to stop seeing one another, but I know people living with depression need space sometimes and need to come back in their own time.
All I want is to go over to his home and hold him through all the dark things that are going on in his head. There isn’t a time when he’s not on my mind and the waiting hurts unbelievably.
I’m in the same boat….its agonizing ..
My fiancé ghosted me same he is also dealing with severe anxiety and depression. This is the 3rd time each time he leaves for a week. He hides in his room doesn’t answer.
I am finally calling it off – I think that we should value us, this isn’t a way to live … each time I’m worried sick about him. This time when he calls me again …. There will be no answer. I been a awesome fiancé – been there for him always. But he closes of I can’t help him. It’s time to leave now.
God bless you all
Time doesn’t return guys – let’s think this over
Mental illness is so damn heartbreaking 🥲
Iam in the same situation as you. We were together for 4 months everything was going well and during the 5th month he fell. I saw another person in front of me, he started to get angry over nothing, yelled at me, then he apologized and the next day told me he was diagnosed with depression and was afraid to tell me so I wouldn’t leave.
He started his antidepressant treatment and he is following with a therapist.
For two weeks I didn’t recognize him. I did everything I could to support him, I was there when he needed me, sometimes saying hurtful things to me but I took it in stride.
A week later he started to tell me that we are not made for each other and that I have a character that does not suit him and right after he says that I do not want to lose myself and that everything will be fine. I was lost, I didn’t know what to believe or what to do. Two days later he sent me a message saying that he had made his decision and that he couldn’t take it anymore, that he had to face his depression alone. I accepted his decision with sorrow. I suggested that we remain friends so that I could check up on him. He didn’t respond.
It’s been a week now and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know what to do.
I am really happy btw I came across this. 🙂 It’s great feeling like you’re not alone dealing with this kind of situation.
I found this thread and felt encouraged to share my story here too. I’m okay on most days, but right now I feel really devastated once again 🙁 yet, I am happy I came across this, can read similar stories to mine and maybe a few uplifting replies too.
I went through a breakup, which has been pretty rough. My (now ex) girlfriend, we had been dating for around half a year, our relationship was very beautiful, honest and felt really right for me. Then, she quite suddenly broke up with me because of her worsening mental health. She’s suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts and burnout. She feels guilty for not being able to reciprocate love the same way, due to her mental health and feels like she’s being a burden. It has been very painful, for both of us. We love each other and it’s so difficult for me to accept that I should stay away – the natural thing to do when someone you care about is struggling, is to be there for them. Also, in a way she does let me be around her, just not in a relationship kind-of-way.
We cut contact post-breakup for around a month, then reached out to each other again, the contact intensified, we met up again. The feelings were still there, even almost half a year after we broke up, but she still thinks she needs to deal with this alone. I feel like it’s also really difficult to try to be “just friends”, when feelings and attraction are still involved. The whole situation is just super confusing for me – the connection between us is present as ever, but we can’t be together and I am not sure if some sort of in-between-state would be healthy in the long run, even though I truly wish sticking around was possible. Right now we’re trying to reduce the contact again.
I feel like I should try to move on with my life, but it’s tough – first, because it feels like I’m abandoning her with her illness – even though she basically asked for that when we broke up. Second, because I felt like there was literally nothing wrong between us – and then she just suddenly wanted me to leave.
Of course, the breakup does hurt me too, even though I don’t blame her for anything, I don’t feel any sort of resentment or anger – her depression is something out of our control. But it’s a separation, so of course I need to take care of myself too.
I feel you. Yesterday my bf broke up with me because he’s depressed and suicidal and wants to be alone. We have only had one argument in the few months we’ve been together. We’re both separated so understand each other well but I think he’s right and I respect his honesty that he just can’t give himself to a relationship right now and said he doesn’t want to hurt me more by continuing. I’m devastated but I understand. He knows I’m here to support him but I need to respect his wishes. He doesn’t know how hurt I am because I don’t want to add to his burden but I’m feeling so sad for myself and for him.
It’s so tough, but it does help knowing that so many of us are in a similar situation. I am now struggling a lot with the feeling of abandoning her, because I am trying to move on from the breakup. It’s really difficult for me, because I was there for her even when we weren’t together, but feelings did eventually show up and kind of got in the way. We do send a message now and then, but it’s not like before and I know she’s still struggling a lot. My feelings have become a total mess too, because on the one hand, I am trying to grieve the relationship, but on the other hand, I care a hell lot about her and want to support her, but I am scared of getting hurt again too, because of romantic feelings being involved…
My ex-boyfriend has suffered from lifelong depression. We were in a long-distance relationship for about two and a half years. He was never secretive about his illness and warned me from the start that he would most likely hurt me and run when things got hard. I should have listened and maybe considered running myself, but I fell deeply in love with him. It was always a roller coaster—when he was in a good place, he was the best boyfriend ever; we had the most amazing times and were so connected and he was so emotionally available, but when he got dark (which was pretty frequent, and usually after we had to separate after spending physical time together, which we always tried to do every two months), he would disconnect, his negativity would take over and his mind would sabotage him into believing everything was hopeless (including our relationship). Nearly two years in, he told me he lost his feelings for me and didn’t want to do it anymore. He said the only reason he even stayed alive was for his children (yes, he often made suicidal comments). We took a month off and he was still at the same place. I was sad and confused; just a month prior we had been talking about buying a house together. I knew love still existed between us and just tried to be patient. Shortly after, we started talking again and were back to being each other’s everyday person. We were missing each other terribly and decided to try again. So after six months of not seeing each other, we spent five weeks together over the holidays 2020 and into 2021. Most of the time was perfect; something felt different he felt more calm and more present. But then we had a pretty intense fight and it almost cut the visit short. We had a tear-filled heart to heart and I stayed and we felt somehow closer than ever.
It seemed like we had finally cracked it open enough to really tackle the issues. I came home and we started planning the next visit. He had asked for time off at work and made arrangements with his ex-wife for his kids so he could spend another month with me (the pandemic has been far from kind to long-distance relationships, we had to be creative because as to this day he’s still forbidden to enter the U.S.). But then it happened again. He broke it off again. Said he once truly loved me and had believed I was “the one,” but lost his feelings again. I don’t know how all this could change in a few days and without us even having seen each other. But this time I figured I had to take it seriously. This roller coaster was not fun anymore. But I still love him so much and the thought of losing him was devastating. After a few weeks of no contact, I gave in and reached out and we started communicating again. Writing, talking on the phone, video-chatting sometimes. He stayed firm that he was too unwell to be in a relationship and we tried to keep it to friend talk. But he gradually seemed to be coming around again, admitting that he missed me, saying he kept thinking that would see each other again, and telling me I was the sexiest woman in the world. I felt sure our feelings were mutual. How could he truly mean he didn’t want to be with me when he would share his personal thoughts with me every day, and photos of his life and his family, and call and talk for hours?
But then a few weeks after we had even gone as far as having very sexually intimate video chat, he calls me to tell me that he was going to go out with another woman. It really caught me off guard. I genuinely believed that he would want to be in a relationship with me when he felt ready again, when he was actually putting the work into himself (he is on medication but doesn’t have proper therapy, though he was planning to start in the fall). I got upset and stumbled; I said we couldn’t talk anymore and that he shouldn’t have led me on knowing full well how much I loved him. And he said rather coldly, “Don’t you think that if I loved you we’d be together?” This was like daggers to the heart. But then he seemed a little freaked out and was like, who knows what’ll happen with this woman and that it didn’t mean we couldn’t still talk. But of course it meant that for me. That was two weeks ago and five months into the breakup and I’ve been devastated, I guess because I finally have to accept the breakup as real, accept that he was moving on and probably was just using me so as not to be lonely before finding someone else. I blocked him not because I don’t care about what’s going on in his life (I do of course), but because I have to start thinking about myself more and I genuinely can’t handle the idea of seeing photos of him with a new woman. But yet I somehow feel like I am the one who is abandoning him. And that I didn’t support him enough, show my love enough. And how do you ever know when to really give up on someone fully aware that their feelings are so unstable? Last time he made it very clear how much it meant that I stood by his side. Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I have no choice but to move forward, right? So much of his depression involves him needing instant and constant validation, needing people to “see” him. So I, the girl he pushed away, certainly can’t complete with another woman when I live 4,000 miles away. The fact that he so often told me that his illness made relationships impossible, and that he knew he needed to learn to be comfortable by himself to have a healthy one but now seems willing to jump in and try with someone else is beyond upsetting to me.
“And how do you ever know when to really give up on someone, fully aware that their feelings are so unstable?” That is a really tough question that I ask myself very often… But we really have to stop focusing so much on THEIR wellbeing and focus on us. Even though you care deeply about him and his situation, you can’t forget about your own needs and feelings. You do not deserve to be treated like that, it does not matter it all because of his depression. You simply do not deserve to go through all that.
I can tell how much this hurts you, and I completely understand you. I’m literally in the same place as you. But with time and help from my psychologist, I was able to understand that my need to “fix” him and my willingness to stand by his side even though he didn’t want me to, was just codependency. And I also got to the conclusion that I was even being a little selfish; I wanted him to be okay or “back to normal” so badly, mostly because I wanted to feel happy again, with him by my side. I didn’t want to go through the breakup and admit that the relationship was just not going to work.
I think that introspection, focusing on our healing/life, and therapy can help accelerate this breakup process. That has been really helpful for me.
You’re brave for sharing your story! I wish you happiness and best of luck <3
Denisse
Very good advice indeed. I’ve reached the point with my similar situation that I’m making the choice to move on with my life. The couple times my ex and I have had any dialogue has been when I initiated the text message to just affirm to him my support and stating my continued caring and being there for him and his response was just a very short brief text in reply. It’s been 7 weeks now since we’ve last seen one another and now 3 weeks since any conversation via text messages exchanged between us. All again have been initiated by me—none by him. I have made the decision not to reach out further to him. I’ve been steadfast with my compassion, concern and support for him. He’s making it abundantly clear to me he doesn’t want me to know anything about his situation in providing any details as to his progress with moving towards what he calls “a better place” that he wanted to be at or sharing and expressing his feelings about things in specific to our relationship. To be honest I have found this to be extremely inconsiderate,insensitive and disrespectful of him in regards to my feelings with what I am as well going through and having to process myself as a result of his depression and how he’s chosen to cope with this situation at hand. He has made the choice to alienate and withdrawal from people who love and care and just want to help him in providing support to him. I get it if you need and want to be alone at times when suffering from depression, but that doesn’t mean you have to fall off the grid all together in terms of communicating which is exactly what my ex has done in regards to communication with me. I know I can’t fix things and I’m not trying to. That is not my place. This has been an enlightening experience nonetheless certainly something I would not want anyone to go through for both the depressed person as well as the non depressed person. I have learned a lot about what depression is, my self , as well as my ex in realizing at this time things appear to not be on our side as a future relationship together and I am coming to terms with that. Be that as it may, we all have what our expectations are for a relationship and what we are willing and are not willing to tolerate within a relationship.
I’m in the same boat, how are you both going?
Thank you so much for your response and I’m very sorry to hear you’ve been going through something similar. I know what you say is 100% the right thing… it’s the advice most people give me, including my therapist, and what I intellectually know that I and everyone else in this situation needs to follow. But it’s so hard. He’s been such a constant presence in my life for the past three years and I miss him every second. I have to force myself a million times a day not to write him even with the silly little details of life that we’d always share. But of course I have become fixated on all the wonderful things we shared while I should be focusing more on the unhealthy stuff, like his emotional unpredictability caused by his highs and lows that would actually sometimes stop me from feeling like I could express my feeling and needs. And, as you say, a large part of it is dealing with the disappointment and devastation that the relationship failed. It feels impossible to contend with having to accept that the person you love and thought loved you in return would just give up, depression or not. And without being mentally ill yourself, it’s hard to fully comprehend the damaging extremes of their fears and negative thoughts.
My ex deciding to go on a date and, who knows, maybe even try a relationship with someone else, while painful beyond belief, in a way makes it easier to shut off to him finally. When he kept using the excuse of him not being well enough to be with anyone, I still felt hope that he at least wasn’t moving on from me. But I agree, this treatment isn’t fair to us. We need partners who will love us and be there for us through thick and thin. I did read your story below and am wondering if you think the pandemic and being long-distance played a part in what happened in your relationship?
I know it’s extremely hard! I pray we all can get through this difficult time soon. Everything feels really heavy right now, but you’ll figure it out, like you probably always have! I hope that knowing you’re not the only one can provide you some comfort.
And I don’t know if that played a part in what happened. When he told me he was feeling like this, he said he didn’t understand why he was feeling that way; that he didn’t have any reasons. I understand your frustration and anger because I feel the same way! I even feel bad sometimes for being so angry at him… We were doing so good, and he was the man I wanted to marry and have kids with. Somehow it feels like he screwed MY whole future (the one I had planned, with him in my life). Now I find myself depressed, disoriented/lost, unmotivated, you name it!
Hi Denisse,
That’s a question I’ve been struggling with lately. To make a very long story as short as possible I’ve been with my (now ex) for 3 years. We have been long distance for the last year due to a move he had to make. Everything was going well (although I now realize that I saw signs of odd behavior from day one) but nothing of major concern.
I had been visiting him almost every month, we planned future trips, shows etc.
We also talked about me making a move at some point to be with him.
A few weeks back after a great visit with him, literally over night he seemed so cold and distant. Usually we would talk, text and FaceTime multiple times a day and may I add, so much laughter was part of a lot of those calls…. We just loved to egg each other on in a fun banter kind of way. I never didn’t get a good morning call (or text if he was busy at work and couldn’t speak) and we would talk every night before bed. That all stopped. If this man said he was going to call, he called. All of a sudden the “I’ll call you later” call never came, the good morning texts stopped. The cold short answers to my text “how is your day going” went from story after story about things going on in his day to a cold “days good” and never did I get back a “how is your day” in return.
This fun, silly, kind man seemed like a person I didn’t know, let alone one I would have been in a relationship with for 3 years!
When I asked him ( about 4 days after I Got home from the visit) what was wrong he just said “ I don’t think I have the same feelings for you” and blocked me on everything except email. I received an email about 2 days after that call saying he has been depressed and drinking way more then I ever knew and that his feelings changed. He then said goodbye.
About 2 weeks later I did send an email to see how he was feeling and he proceeded to tell me he had been hospitalized, drunk, depressed having black outs and suicidal thoughts. I was in shock. He also said that he was “talking to people” to get help. He told me all this lead to how our relationship came to an end. I responded to the email of course and told him I’m here if he needs anything and that although I don’t know exactly what he is going through …I’m a call or drive away need be. I never heard back… I reached out a few days later again with a similar email….nothing.
Fast forward another two weeks and I received an email saying he is doing well, took up a sport, may be buying a house, lost weight and is working out. Basically life is great! What!??!
And this is the short version of the story….I’m heartbroken and at a lose.
Hi Alex,
This is so confusing, insane actually.
Did you get in touch with him again since then?
K
My partner, who is the love of my life is living with depression. He broke up with me over text few days ago.
I too don’t want to give up on him, it is a normal reaction, which he won’t understand because of how his mind operates.
I haven’t got a great deal of experience with depression, but while I say you should never give up on those that are close to you, moving on with your life does not equal giving up.
You have to live too.
Also, it seems that the depression seems to be this other person inside of the person, who has temporarily taken over. When he has his episode it isn’t him telling you he doesn’t love you anymore.
My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. Everything seemed perfect, we had a beautiful, mature relationship for 2 years. Even though we were long-distance the whole time, distance was never a big problem. A month before we broke up, he told me he was feeling depressed and really anxious and didn’t know why, that he didn’t want me to go visit him at the time (he told me all this a day before my flight lol). Cancelled my flight, felt all type of emotions, but decided not to take it personally and be there for him. He stopped texting/calling me, I was always the one who initiated conversations etc… It got to a point where I couldn’t take it personally, and I told him to be honest with me about how he felt about me and our relationship. He told me that has emotionally numbed, he couldn’t feel love or affection for me, not even for his parents. THAT BROKE MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES. Having someone you love so deeply tell you that he doesn’t feel anything about you anymore must be one of the hardest thing to hear. I STILL STOOD BY HIS SIDE, and decided not to leave him because “it was just the depression talking”. But after a month, I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when we broke up. I was dealing with my own things -that he didn’t even know about- plus dealing with the fact that my PERFECT relationship didn’t even feel like a relationship anymore.
I’m still so shocked with everything. He was a literal sunshine for me and everyone that knows him. I just can’t understand how he could go from being that person I wanted to grow old with to someone that would make me feel so miserable. I wish things could go back to the way they were, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. That uncertainty has me so devastated I can even put it into words.
I don’t know if I should keep texting him, letting him know I’m here for him, or if I should just give him space and wait for him to look for me whenever he feels ready (if that ever happens).
Have you heard from him at all?
We’ve talked a few times after we broke up. I initiated a couple of those convos but he has also texted me to check in. :/
I’m going through something very similar and I’m at a loss. I don’t know whether I should leave him alone and not communicate, or keep checking on him. I went online to find some words of advice and came across your post. Good luck and I hope it works out!!
Sorry to hear that, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through this! What are you doing to cope/deal with this situation?
And thanks, good luck for you too <3
I can tell how much you’re hurting; I am too. What are you doing to deal/cope with this situation and feelings?
and thanks, same goes to you <3
Your story is almost like mine. We were in LDR which were different counties. The night before broke up he said he love me so much and want to be with me, he said he will text me in the morning. He had been silence all day until 2 pm in his time, he said he was not ready to be in a relationship. He didnt know what he feel or what he want. He didnt know that he still love me or not. He said he need me physically more than text or call. So… he broke up with me and said he want space and time. I asked if we can still in touch. He said we could try but he need space to sort out himself first. I gave what he want. We didnt communicate since and it’s been almost a week now. And the day after we broke up, he unfriend me in discord. But still follow me in instagram and things.
I miss him. I hope that one day we will meet again and get back together.
My goal now is to focus on myself physically and mentally. I still hope that when the border open i could travel to see him but it could took months before that, at that time maybe he will completely forget me and his feelings. But this is all I can do for now to keep myself distract and focus in things.
I feel you :/ It’s hard when you don’t know what to do; either wait for that person to come back or let go of them COMPLETELY. You’re doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and other things. Give to yourself all the love you wish you could give him.
I’m positive we’re going to be okay, and soon this pain will feel a lot lighter.
Let’s trust the universe and its ways of teaching us life lessons.
Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this – I’m going through exactly the same thing almost word for word 🙁 it’s so hard to know what to do, or what to expect. It’s been a week since my bf broke up with me and I just feel lost, and empty, I miss sharing the details of our day, I care about him. He can’t even say he wants to try again if he feels better, but still checked in with me today. I don’t know what to think! I want to be there for him but my heart is broken and I’m trying to deal with that so how can I be a friend to him? Depression is the worst – it completely destroys people. I just wanted to say you’re not alone in this xx
Same….my boyfriend left me 3 days ago, just last week we were talking about How we’re gonna paint the kitchen in our new home … We had a fight on sat morning because he was struggling with depression for a while… Every day was up and down and since we were living together I felt a lot of it so now and then we’d get into a discussion since he refused to get help …
I was out of it and told him that sometimes I rather be alone than with grumpy him…. I obvs didn’t mean it, but he packed his things and left me…. Just like that …. Last month we were in Paris and had the most amazing trip and now he’s gone …. Leaving me only with his TV and his memories and I room I can’t go back to because it smells like him
He told me he couldn’t be in a relationship rn cuz he was depressed and had to go through it alone….
I just can’t believe he’s gone, he is the love of my life and I just want him back …
I don’t know if this also happened with anyone else. Mine broke up the same way almost 2 months ago-suddenly like a light switch he has not admitted it was depression but I think it is. I believe he has that high function/hidden type. I am the love of his life, he is still in love with me, but he has a big problem that he can’t deal with it and being in a romantic relationship at the same. It is not fair to me and not good for our relationship. He does not know how to deal with it and doesn’t feel it is going to get better, our if or when. I deserve so much better type of talk. He said he tried to do the relationship and deal with the problem and he realized he can’t. He is working out (hasn’t told me but I believe this is his coping). We went from seeing each other constantly being super close to him just shutting down. He is very private so ofc he does not come out and say it.
No one else know of the problem he is that skilled at hiding it. I wanted to ask if any of your SO almost made a deliberate line of friendship. We still alot talk everyday (though he is quieter) and we have even seen each other and he keeps telling me I am helping him (the friend part). And he thinks of me so much, and I am helping him o much. I just find it so strange to have this demarcation. Also when we do see each other he is very affectionate, (huge and cuddle).
He has repeatedly told me that if not for this problem, we would be together. IT is horrible.
I feel that the friend thing is so that he feels he still has me. He is trying to keep the emotional piece alive. I can see he is having a harder day today.
Once I said to keep trying bc I need him back and he told me he doesn’t like when I say that, or talk about the thing that separated us.
Does anyone else see them draw this line of friendship and avoid the romantic relationship part–Like obsess bc they need to solve the problem on their own and not have that in it.
I have been with my partner for about 4 months. We are both older in our 50’s. He has 3 kids and I have 2. All roughly around same age teenagers. We have had an amazing first 3 months into our relationship. Connecting on many different levels and really enjoying our time together. He had taken on a temp job that he knew would be coming to an end late May. Around this same time when his temp job came to an end he went to visit his aging mother who lives in another state whom he hadn’t seen in over a year due to the pandemic. He wasn’t looking forward to the trip for a variety of reasons including seeing his mother in a declining condition from his last visit. Upon returning from his trip he became much more withdrawn with our relationship with the amount of texting and phone calls we would exchange. We did continue to see one another but our togetherness was different now than it has been prior to these events. I took note and we discussed this and he acknowledged things were beginning to affect him as a result of recent events that had come upon him with life events with now not working and having no luck in finding a permanent job in his profession and with his visit recent visit to see his mom. We continued to see one another but definitely with the weight of the stress in his life. What was the breaking point was when he learned of one of his best friends death that took place unexpectedly that really tip things for him and us. All these situational episodes has placed him in a state of mental trauma. He told me that he’s never had this much piled up on him at once as it is happening now and in the past he’s always had to handle his mental trauma on his own and this is the way he deals with issues. Right or wrong it’s his way by shutting everyone out and processing it on his own. He affirms he’s not in a good place and wishes he could be. I’ve expressed to him that I don’t want the relationship to end as a result of these events and that taking a step back might be better so that he can deal with these pressing issues. I’ve told him that I’m here for him and want to support him in any way that I can but I understand he’s not in a good place right now. I’ve asked him what my being there for him looks like to him and how I can best achieve that for him at his comfort level. His response was that he cares for me as well and that he just needs some time alone and appreciates knowing that I’m there for him. He says he hopeful when he gets to a better place we can discuss things then. I’m really struggling with this. How can I show him just how much I care and really love him when he’s asking to be alone? I want to honor his request and not overstep as I know too that might just push him further away. I’m just feeling helpless and confused. Probably many of the same feelings he’s feeling at this time. I have at this point no idea of how’s he doing and or feeling because we haven’t reached out to one another in almost 2 weeks. Suggestions would be appreciated along with prayers. I find myself seeking scripture more and more these days to help calm my insecurities and doubts about things. I’m just concerned about him and most importantly want him to get to a better place. I don’t believe he’s suicidal as I would be calling 911 for help. I don’t believe he suffers from chronic depression I think this is more situational depression based upon the homework I’ve been doing learning about depression.
Hi Caring,
Your situation seems very similar to mine right down to the age and prayers. Wondering if you have any updates
I would love to get an update from you to see how things are going? I’m in a very similar situation as well, similar age also.
The only suggestion I have comes from advice I’ve seen others give. Honor his wish to be alone, send supportive messages every now and then to remind him you are there and you care about him, and spend your time focusing on yourself and your own wellbeing as much as possible.
What’s obsess BC. I relate to this wholeheartedly as I’m the depressed partner and what he does is exactly what I do, imagine the pain of knowing, absolutely knowing your are unable to have a relationship fully with the person you love, it is never a reflection on you, it’s an illness, if you want to help study this illness from top to bottom. He wants your friendship for you are the one who knows him fully he believes, though not the depression side only the symptoms of it. He needs and I mean needs hugs and cuddles, to know he is safe and not about to literally die on the spot, it’s a reminder of life the hugs and cuddles, for when depressed you die a bit each time, so imagine being reminded of your death over and over, you should never talk about it to him like you know for you do not, take his lead however small and confusing, it will never be an easy road, but never try to let him feel your helping or looking at his illness, it’s the same as staring at a person in a wheelchair or someone with badly scared face, or pointing out an amputee. Let him own it!
Mine broke up with me nearly a month ago now. She said it’s because she is hurting me and can’t be there for me in a relationship sense because of the things that have happened to her over the past 8 months and if these situations hadnthave happened we would still be together. Throughout the relationship I always listened and cared for her, but similar to your ex I never shared my deep feelings with her. She felt so one-sided emotionally. Because of her depression she drifted from me and stopped doing the things she used to do. It really hurt seeing her like that because I’m still so protective and caring towards her. It was only in the last 2 weeks of the relationship that I opened up to her and told her about the situations with my family and in life. And she felt do overwhelmed that she replied with “its okay”. I didn’t want to put any added pressure onto her which is why i didnt say anything throughout bc I didn’t think she could handle it. But the main point is that she would have been able to, if it wasn’t for her own problems too. We are both at our lowest which is why it hurt so muchnthat she felt she needed to end it just so she could stop hurting us and get her head sorted bc she feels that she has only relied on others in her life to overcome problems and now is finally taking action. We are still friends, we still text everyday since. But there isn’t any confirmation of us getting back together when she is better bc she doesn’t know when she will. I just wish I had treated her better but she would disagree with that and vice versa. I used her depression as an excuse for hurting me – and I still do when i know it isn’t right for her to have completely shut me out and take anger out on me, show no affection or interest so suddenly. I was still there for her and did my best and she recognised that, but couldn’t talk to me. And thats what hurts that she has been emotionally unstable since the beginning of the relationship and it got better to the point she truly loved herself and now it’s at the lowest point. I relied on her and I should have let her know in the relationship but I didn’t realise I was depressed because I had been so overwhelmed for so long. Truly miss this girls smile.
I want to help her solve the problems together and she can do that with mine, but we’re doing it as friends and on our own – I fear her seeing me as a stranger bc that’s how it seemed in the last few months. Depression really fucks people up. Like your ex I was good at hiding it because I didn’t want to put any pressure on people or I thought that they wouldn’t care. Things have been numb for so long and she made it better and now she’s there as a friend. Looking back at recent photos texts and memories is awful, seeing your happiest loving other turn miserable that’s what is upsetting. She said not to wait for her bc it’s unfair and it is but i still want to bc my feelings are so strong towards her i have never had a connection like that in my life and it’s all with her.
The first part of your story is mine, word for word almost.
I have only just heard that he needs to leave me.
I have made the decision to stand by him simply because I love him unconditionally, however now because he has pushed me away I must give him space and simply check on him occasionally.
I am sorry I can’t provide more at this time but you’re not alone in this shit situation xx.
My boyfriend and I were together for 10 months total. We became official after 3 months of dating. We met at work, he is still my manager. Everything was perfect, we went on trips, lots of dates, it got to the point where we were together everyday. We both have a history of depression, and it was something we had talked about the first few months of dating. In March, I broke up with him because I needed reassurance and validation that he wanted to be with me, he asked me to stay, and it was all I needed to hear, I know it was wrong and I promised I would never break up with him again unless I meant it. I later let him know why this was and he said he understood me. A week later he broke up with me but we decided to try again that same day. He was distant at first but then things felt normal again. I could tell he was going through some things but I was patient and tried my best to be there for him. I gave him the space he needed until he was ready to start going out again and spending time with me. We were happy, seeing each other almost everyday again, telling one another how much we loved and appreciated each other. Then two months later, we started arguing again and he broke up with me again, but once again decided to try again that same day so we never officially broke up. Again he was distant afterward and I believed it was just another thing we were going to get through but it began affecting me and when I talked to him about it he told me he needed a break. He reassured me that there wasn’t anybody else, and that I had been an amazing girlfriend and did a lot for him but he just needed time to figure things out on his own. We took a break last weekend for a week and officially broke up this weekend. He says we did not go wrong, that I did not do anything wrong, but that he was not happy and he thought it was best to break up so he would not have me waiting for him because that was not fair to him. He told me that he still loves me and will always have love for me as a person but he can not be in a relationship when he does not even love himself. I told him I did not want to break up but that I agreed it was best. I also told him I did not want to lose him and he told me he will always be there but he just couldn’t right now. We ended on good terms and I asked him if we could try again in the future. He was open to the idea. I also told him I would be checking up on him if it was okay with him and he said it would be okay but in the future because for now, he just wanted to be alone. I want to respect his space, and I do believe that we were good for one another, overall our relationship was healthy, and great. I do not want to move on, but I don’t know if I’m being too hopeful..
Hey, I‘m going through the exact same thing right now. Is there a possibility that I could talk about this with you? Of course only if you‘re ready to talk about it with anyone!
My girlfriend broke up with me on Tuesday…also out the blue. I am literally going through the same thing, but growth has taught me that it’s best to let them go find the answers they seek. Do not impress ourselves upon them. No contact. Let them go. If they come back, it was meant to be, if not, then you know it was not. This is not my first rodeo, and I’ve experienced this with a couple suitors in the past. Believe me: do not hold your breath. They may never return and you have to work on yourself and become ok with that. Restrain yourself from sending long, emotional messages and calling. Stop it. It will only push them away further and overload their already strained and stressed emotions. Let them sort out what they need to- again, if you know in your heart you did nothing wrong, you have to let it be and move on. You are worth happiness and stability. Give them what they are asking for. Let them go. Put your energy into your own strength and happiness.
Are they doing these same behaviors to family members or other friends ? Meaning cutting them out? That is what I don’t get–it seems like the significant other is the one getting cut out from their lives.
It happened to me also, last week. We were together for 2.5 years. He said he needs to get better and has to do it on his own. But he still goes to work and still meets friends and takes care of his children. The only change in his life is leaving me. It is so frustrating!
Yeah same here. I have been with mine for 11yrs she just left 5 months ago and we share a 3 yr old daughter. We were suppose to buy a house and do things together now I’m sitting here like wtf!!!
Im going through the something similar me and my ex girlfriend are both 19 she broke up with me because of depression and that she was emotionally drained she didnt realize she was depressed till about a few weeks ago
Her breaking point was that i lied to her about cancleing our plans to get a hotel room so i could get her something for her birthday i lied and told her i was going to the gym so i could have time to prepare the gifts i got her she said that i was acting weird and thought i was going to go meet up with another woman even though ive never cheated on her nor have i ever showed signs of being unfaithful to her she said that she just couldnt keep going through this with me and that i was emotionally draining her so the next day i walked her presents over to her house in the rain and the people she lived with let me into her house i made my way to her room and brought the presents to her she woke up to me setting them by her bed then she asked me how i got to her house and why i was wet i told her i walked in the rain she asked me why i did it i told her that i loved her and that id do anything for her and right when i was about to leave she begged me to stay and sleep in bed with her and she scooted closer to me so we could cuddle we slept for a few hours then she dropped me off i realized i left my umbrella at her her house and texted her to bring it back i saw this as the perfect oppertunity to get her back i got her a giant basket of flowers and a teddy bear and some balloons when she came to my house to drop the umbrella off me and my mom brought out the gifts to her and my mom tried to talk to her to get an understanding of our relationship to try and convince her to stay with me they talked for a while and she said she needed some time to decide on what she wanted to do and after she left my mom had told me that she said that she was madly in love with me and that she wanted to stay but she wasnt sure if she was there mentally and that she needed some time to gather herself she called me the next day and said she couldnt do it anymore and that she dosnt wanna leave me but she’s not in the best shape right now for a relationship and that she wants to come back in the future but is scared that ill be with another woman i was so heart she messaged me the next day and told me that She’ll always love me i messaged her 4 days later and asked her how she was doing and i sent her the song i made her and it made her cry she said that things were hard without me a week later i called her and tried to get her to come back but she said “i already told you im not ready for a relationship and im done fucking crying over you” she screamed that to me and she sounded like she was about to cry and she hung the phone up on me while i was talking i havntt contacted her since i figured she needed space she ended up deactivating her facebook a few days later i love her and i wanna be there for her and i eventually want us to get back together when shes ready
Should i just stop contacting her and let her come to me
Thank you for this article, and thanks for all the stories. It really helps me understand. I would love some advice though!
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 10 months. We felt like this was our final destination, us being together.
In the beginning everything was amazing. Slowly I started seeing his autism and depression. Out of the blue, he broke up with me after a bad day. I took some distance, then showed my support as a friend.
After some weeks he asked to get back together. We did. From that moment he was open and vulnerable. Took medication and therapy. I was supportive. Always. It took my quite some energy, but I wanted to be there for him.
He always says I was the first person where he could be himself, and that I was the love of his life.
The last weeks his depression seems to be at his worst. Bad days only, negative thoughts.
Monday we had a great day together. Thursday he had a bad day. I come over, made food and listened to him. Gave advice. Went home.
Friday he broke up with me. I always give advice, instead of just being there for him. I made him feel more autistic. I wasn’t the only one he could be himself with. Our communication sucks. We grew apart. Etc etc etc.
At first I showed him my perspective. But after him saying all those harsh words, I asked what he want. He then broke up. I left without saying a word.
I’m torn.
Torn because I love him.
Torn because it came out of the blue.
Torn because to me it makes no sense.
I now know this was his depression speaking and deciding. Everything current is bad, so let’s leave that.
My friends are saying I should not seek contact, like I did the last time. He has to take steps himself.
But I am also worried that if I dont send him something, he will think I forgot him and that I don’t care anymore.
What are your experiences with contacting your ex partner after they break up with you?
Really sorry for the long post… I’ve just been really eye-opened by most of these stories and just need a bit of advice…
I was only with my ex boyfriend for quite a short time (7/8 months) and he was v upfront about all his mental health issues when we first met. It was great when we first started hanging out, we spent a lot of time together and i fell very in love with him, which is very unlike me. I have had a series of serious relationships that have lasted a lot longer but I really fell for him unlike anything before.
I thought that he really loved me, and when we spent time together its just so nice, but he explained at the start he has been ill for over 10 years with depression and had no intention of making the effort to get better, and that all the effort and energy he was putting in might not last.
Things started to decline slowly and he kept having periods of pushing me away and i’d just leave him to it after letting him know i was there etc and it was fine. He then moved in for 3 weeks and I completely fell in love with him and he seemed to be doing much better.
He then lost his job and pushed me away massively and kept saying he couldn’t give me anything and that i was too caring and kind and he didn’t deserve me, which upset me because i feel like you should both want to be kind to one another and it shouldn’t be a criticism.
Anyway, things slowly declined again and he was barely able to leave his house etc which made me worry a lot and when I started feeling stressed I brought it up (which I regret). He refused to come meet me so I spoke to him over the phone about him being distanct and he didn’t say a word. He then sent me a text saying I care too much, and although he loves being with me, hes not ok and wants me to forget I exist.
I asked him to meet in person so we could at least leave it well, if thats what he wants still and he then bailed twice. I then sent him a few messages saying i cared and wanted him in my life still as a friend and was he sure etc which he basically ignored apart from asking for some space and time, which I have now given him.
I stopped contacting him altogether because just want him to be happy and if he’s happier without me due to needing to work on himself then thats for the best. But I also cant help worrying that I’ve done the wrong thing.
He’s got in contact twice since saying he wants to see me, but bailed the first time so I’m scared to respond to the second because I miss him and love him and don’t want to make things worse if he’s not even in the place to meet up with me
I want to support him through this, but I don’t want him to make me feel like he has recently.
Sorry for the essay, I guess I just want to know if you think I should be trying to be friends or telling him I still love him etc??
Has anyone had a similar situation? I definitetly do NOT want to pressure him to be with me, but I dont know if I just affirmed he couldnt make me happy (when I actually do just really love him) and I don’t want to be needy or push him away if he just needs a friend
We are both 24 and very young but he keeps saying he wants to be alone in the middle of nowhere and hes tired of being a burden… I just dont know if I should fight for him and make sure he knows how much i love him or if I should just give him space ? Because our ending was so unclear from both of us It’s hard to know what to do and I’m worried if i go back we will both be unhappy!
*forget he exists.
I think its important to include that everything was really fine before the phone call where I admittedly said it was a rollercoaster and was starting to make me feel unhappy – I’ve apologised since and he said its fine and that he’s not angry, just v low and stressed.
I just don’t know if I should just leave him alone completely and ignore him, try to be friends or tell him that I love him and want to be there for him. Its very confusing !! I just know whatever I’m stressed about doesn’t compare to anything he’s feeling and I don’t want to add to his problems in any way
Hi Lily!
I fully recognize myself in your story. Sorry to hear you are going through this.
I have been with my bf for about 10 months. He broke up with me after 3 months after a great time together. Turned out he was depressed. I kept in touch, carefully, which led to us getting back together. He then became more open about his depression. It was tough, but we had a good relationship where he could be himself and I would be there for him. He said I was the love of his life.
The last month he was having more and more moments of utter sadness. I was still there for him. Took him out, etc.
He said he was so happy to have me on monday. Then broke up with me on Friday. Out of the blue.
All of a sudden everything was bad about our relationship. A new life would be better. And his previous relationships weren’t that bad (even though he always told me they were). Pretty harsh words.
I KNOW this is his depression talking. Just like it was with your boyfriend. I feel the urge to send him this website I found about why you shouldn’t break up when having a depression, or at least go through 5 steps of thought.
But everyone around me is saying HE is the one that needs to step up this time. Just like this article is saying.
Difficult, because I know what we had/have is good.
Hi Rosie,
Thanks so much, it’s so helpful to know you are going through the same thing!
I think I will do the same and try keep contact gently for now but also to move on with my life. I’m supposed to be seeing him this week which will no doubt be hard.
I think the main thing I’ve realised from reading stories on here is that unless they are seeking help, its likely to be a repeated pattern and I’m not sure I can deal with being pushed away so often…
I agree with what you say – its so hard to know what to do! I’m still v confused but just trying to give space
Agreed! In fact, even of they seek help, changes are they will continue to push us away at certain times.
I send him a message today.. That I am heartbroken and saw and still see a future in him and us, and that I find support in reading other stories. And that these stories helped me realize that I cannot help him.
Hope your encounter this week will be okay. Stay true to yourself and your boundaries and keep us updated!
That is so true Rosie,
you have to focus on your self instead, Lily.
I know it will be a slow hard months of progress but you’ll get there. I posted my my similar situation and I resonate so well with how they’ve gone through.
6months from our break up, I had no contact and change my focus on to myself which was hard on my early months of break up. Starting from there, it gets better and better.
Right now, your man is overwhelmed and nothing would get through his head.
He will continue to caved in and continue just pushing every one away.
The more you push a talk and your feelings for him, the more he will reject you. Remember he is overwhelmed already and probably has more than responsibility outside relationship that he wanted to manage as well so if you include your feelings and pushed it towards him. He will fall even more on a deep pit.
That’s what happen to me.
I did all the wrong things and now that I cleared my mind, I realise all I need was to understand him and leave him alone until he comes through with his own power.
It was my insecure attachment and his avoidant management leads to our break up, it was too late for us to turn the point of managing our relationship into harmonious because I panicked and felt insecure that he wouldn’t be able to spend time with me. I now knew I had to work on my self to and heal my insecurities. I got a proper job, created a life and more friends. I barely go back to the mindset of heartbreak, i let things go after 4months of dwelling from it.
Move forward and focus on yourself and get busy. Let things go and trust the universe that what is meant to be in your life will manifest as long as you focus on your well being.
It takes patience to wait for him but do not wait to the point you can’t function.
He is a grown man, he can think and care for himself. He needs to walk alone and grow for himself. Men do need time alone to think clearly. If he is able to push his barrier and realised that your existence brings light to him. He will bring himself to you. Trust the process of the universe
Hi I wanted to share my experience. I however am the depressed one who left my boyfriend. I wasn’t handling life . I left my job and I left him and moved in with my parents. It’s not easy. I am seeking help. Sometimes I know he tried his best but other times I just want to be alone and think the world is out to get me. I know I push himr away but it’s because I fele like I will be wasting his time. I love him but I can’t stand how put so much stress on him so I tell him to move on eventhough that would break me even more butni think it’s best that I’m the only sad one and not both of us. I think hopefully he can find someone who isn’t depressed to be happy with. We care but we need help. I’m seeking help now. We still talk and I want us to be together but I need to get better first. We lived together for 4 years and have a dog together. It all breaks my heart that I couldn’t pull it together.
thank you so much for all your help/advice
I had ignored his message for some weeks saying he wanted to meet and I’m finally feeling a lot better and clearer, its helped a lot hearing all your stories. I’ve just said I want to meet but I’m going to go as a friend and not talk about anything that’s happened. I think it’s best that way for both of us.
If he bails again I think I will send a note with his stuff saying I am there as a friend if he needs and I miss his company but nothing more. Then I guess just try to move on from it and forget. you are right – there’s nothing we can do except not put our problems on someone who is already struggling a lot!
It’s just hard having so many friends etc tell you that its them being horrid or making it up because I feel like its very sad to see someone you care about struggle and when you begin to understand it, its almost a bit too late… in my case anyway…
Sorry to everyone going through this – it’s hard not knowing the line between the illness and the person
This was so needed. My bf of 1 1/2 years started spiraling in November and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was blindsided. He has so much baggage from his life .then Covid . He was always the fixer and raised that men are tough and just take it. Bury the pain. And he has taken so much.
He needed time to fix himself and focus on his kids(he has custody). And I responded with the anxiety and depression. We sporadically texted but he continued to refuse my support . So we have had no contact since February.
I’m dying inside. He is the most amazing man and it’s like he died. He said he hopes to become the man I fell in love with. But he never wasn’t that man. He was perfect.
I’m broken and this page has helped me cope a bit.
I don’t know if I’m hopeless and stupid for hanging on
Hi,
my wife developed over the last weeks a very heavy depression. We have been together for 13years now, it is my 2nd one.
I realised since quite a while ago that she has growing problems, but it never reflected in our partnership.
Actually two weeks ago she told me that she cannot imagine her life without me, that she loves me extremely much etc etc..
This switched now completely – I am the first “problem” to be solved. She want to move out stay alone. She confronted me with a list of all the things I have done wrong – I have to admit that most of them are right- and that she cannot stay with me any longer, also to protect me and that her feelings for me will never come back. In her words, I destroyed her.
We were a couple that did everything together and couldn’t stand the idea of being separated.
She has many unsolved issues from her childhood and previous partnerships, but at the moment everything is focused on me and our partnership and the problems we have. To be honest, there are problems in our partnership but nothing which – from my point of view – cannot be sorted out.
She want to start therapy next week, she already has an appointment, which is good. I am trying to be supportive and understanding, I know that she is in a tunnel and doesn’t see any light at the end of it.
With all the problems we have I love her extremely much and I want to fight to keep the relationship alive and to actively work on it. I know she cannot right now but I hope that she will be able to after a while.
She cannot imagine that, she is decided that she needs to go her own way now, without me and that she will only hurt me even more if she stays.
It kills me.
I will also look for help, I am not a depressive person and have no tendency for any kind of depression, so far. Nevertheless, I want to look for professional help as well.
I would be very thankful if anybody has something to say about this.
I have been with my partner for 5 years! We are saving to buy a house together, we live together and have a dot together at the moment!
We do have our ups and downs, but who doesn’t. We work together also, which does put a strain on our relationship, but we are both being made redundant soon so we are almost out of the workplace! But 5 days ago, after a small argument, he has decided to leave! And moving out within the same week.
His reasons are, he has been in back to back relationships since he was 16, he is now 28 and I am 26! So he feels he has never been on his own and know who he is. He isn’t the person I fell in love with, he has no energy as a person, he is miserable in work which takes a toll on him, and he has no energy to show me love and affection like he should. He has left and he says it’s the right decision for the both of us because he is dragging me down and not being the partner he should and I deserve, and for him to get to be a better version of himself he needs to do this and be on his own! I am absolutely heart broken! I have said to him I think he is depressed and he can see that, Iv asked him to stay and let me help him but he said no he needs to be alone for this to happen. He doesn’t want me to wait or anything like that! His 100% with his decision
Hi there – sorry to hear about this, I’m experiencing an identical situation with my partner of 3 years right now. We’ve been great and then all of a sudden he tells me that nothing in his life feels right (work, friends, family, us) and he needs to go on his own to figure it out. No timeline nothing, just needs to not be in a relationship. I’m very hurt because we also have a dog and a life out here together that I feel like he’s abandoning but I’m trying to remove my ego and think about his mental state first. How are you doing now that it’s been a few months, any tips?
My boyfriend and I had only been together for six months when he broke up with me a week ago. He said he wasn’t feeling like his happy self and has a lot going on with his family and didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t want to make me unhappy. He said that he ‘wanted me to carry on with my life without him in it’. But then he’s decided he wants us to be friends and he still messages me which is very confusing. He has bad anxiety which he’s on medication for. I want to support him but I can’t just switch off my feelings and be friends the way he seems to be able to.
Hey Maree… this seems very similar to my situation… do you know what you have decided to do?
Hey Lily,
No, I haven’t really decided yet. I said there would have to be stipulations for us to be friends, I felt like there had to be clear boundaries since he’s decided all we can be is friends. However, he wasn’t happy with my boundaries and then presented me with a point by point argument of why breaking up is for my own good. We have been talking through text mostly and it’s very confusing for me because a lot of the time there’s nothing different in his tone from when we were together and it’s still flirty but then the next day it flips and it’s very one word replies. My friends think I should just cut him off completely but I’m not sure I can but at the same time I feel like I’m the one constantly getting hurt
Hey Lily,
The short answer is no not at all. The long answer is I tried to come up some boundaries for any potential friendship but he didn’t take well to that and outlined point by point why breaking up with me was for my own good. We’re still talking everyday via text and sometimes his side of the conversation is very much the same as it was while we were together but then other times it’s very one worded replies. My friends think I should just cut him off but I don’t think I can but also I’m the one getting hurt.
Hi Maree,
Yes so I’m very confused as well.. We broke up after a small argument as well but I did say I was thinking of ending things if he couldn’t put more effort in. I gave him an out 3 times before saying if it was too tough that was fine & I wouldn’t mind but he said no.
I said I wanted to be friends but he kept ignoring me. Now I’ve stopped trying he keeps texting and calling. I’m now leaving it but maybe I should try to be friends and create some boundaries? Do you mind if I ask you how old you are? I do feel like sometimes its better to just move on if its really hurting you!
My husband left me and said he no longer loves me after spending 9years together, We have a beautiful daughter of 6 Years. I was not able to understand just how someone can fall out of love after 9years marriage The fact that he feels the way that he does. He no longer wants to do anything with me talk to me or see me I feel that our marriage can be saved but it was miserable when my partner doesn’t want anything to do with me. few weeks ago a friend told me about priest olokun and i reach him through his email [priestolokun@gmail. com] after 7 days my husband came to me and he admitted that everything he had been doing to me was wrong and he truly apologized.
My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago over text and he told me it was because of his mental health. We’re both 18. I knew he had been struggling for a while and he’s been distant for the past month or two but I still feel blindsided by this, I really thought we would work through it together. We had a great relationship, we barely fought, we loved each other and listened to each other. I did my best to support him even though there is some distance between us, I’m in school and he’s living at home an hour and a half away. I’m crushed right now and I haven’t contacted him since the day he broke up with me. He said he would call this “a break” if he knew when he would be better, but that he doesn’t know when that will be. I know I need to give him space but I was wondering if I should send some sort of check-in text in a month or so or let him contact me?
No leave it be, dont contact him unless he contact you but do left him a final message, if you ever need me or want to talk, im here. This way he has the ball on his court when he finally reach out after a battle on himself. He need to focus onhimself without worrying about if you get mad or angry when he doesnt feel like replying.
So here is my story and what I’ve been going through over the last few weeks with my boyfriend of five years…
I will preface the story by saying this: for some years, I have been trying to get an answer as to when we will take our “next steps”. It has never been the right time… we live apart. He lives at home with his parents (he is 29 years old) and I live alone (I am 30 years old).
Now the situation with the boyfriend – he is going through a deep depression.
I’ve always known he has suffered with anxiety, has admitted he had commitment issues but after he met me, things changed. I also know he has abandonment issues because his father walked out on him when he was 16.
The reason for the depression is because he has just had to close a business which he owned with his brother – his brother decided to end it because they clash in personality. They have not spoken in 6 months (his brother has been fighting depression for a few years too). They had very respectable jobs and I think there is some ego there in terms of the status of that job. My boyfriend is also turning 30 in a few months and is feeling lost and going through the “who am I” and “what is my purpose” thing. I get it – I’ve been through it. I know how difficult it can be when you are thrust into the unknown and now, without your best friend (in his case, his brother).
A couple of weeks ago, I freaked out a little… seeing everything collapse for him scared me. I have been trying for the next steps in our relationship (just TALKING about moving out together) and seeing this all happening made me wonder why he wasn’t talking to me about where this now leaves our future. Admittedly, it was awful timing. I said I needed the time to think about our relationship because said he can’t offer any answers about it and when, however knows he wants to be with me long term but isn’t sure about marriage and children one day. I fear we aren’t on the same path. I have been trying to get an answer out of him and again, there has always been an excuse as to why he can’t answer it – too busy, work is very stressful and of course, now this.
So, we took a week break and I thought it may benefit him for some space. I have said during the space break, that he could reach out any time and we could talk. He hasn’t.
After some time apart, I realised how awful the timing of my question was and told him I was extremely sorry about asking for answers now and to put things aside so I can support him through his lull. I said I loved him dearly and we can have the conversation when he makes it out of the dark forest. He didn’t reply for a few days.
After my apology, he responded saying he is resentful and angry at me at the timing. He was absolutely furious and said that I am selfish for asking these questions given his situation (look, to some extent, I agree but I have been asking for years and I need to know) and that he needs the space to get his mind right and life in order – irrespective of what this means for our relationship. He is extremely bitter and I’ve genuinely never seen him so angry. I know he is in deep pain. He said he is going through extreme personal trauma and that I’m asking for too much… he has said that I have abandoned him during a time he needed me the most. I know he is suffering greatly in terms of his whole identity and now doesn’t believe that I genuinely don’t care for the answer now.
I have reiterated multiples times that I’m not looking for answers now, love him so much and am not abandoning him. I said that I will be right here with him and that I just will not go anywhere. He has not responded so I’m thinking to give it a break for a week before I reach out and say I am here and not abandoning him?
He is truly my soulmate and means the world to me. He has such a beautiful heart but he is just lost. This is killing me.
So I’m confused because he said he sees a future long term and even after I said I was here for him, he has still pushed me away in resentment. I know he isn’t eating much, but is still going to the gym, seeing his friends and going to therapy but is in his room a lot.
I can’t make it any clearer that I don’t need my answers now. I am genuine in saying I just want to support him through this. He said he needs time and space and won’t have answers for me for “sometime”.
I know he saw a psychologist last week… first time ever after years of trying to get him to see one. I was shocked – proud of him for taking those steps. He doesn’t know that I know he is seeing a therapist. He just won’t talk to me at all. I found out through his family.
So… what do I do here? I want to respect the space but equally, don’t want to give so much space he feels even more abandoned. I am hopeful we can figure it out but I need help with what to do.
I feel like I’m stuck in limbo but trying to hold on to the reassurance he gave me that he sees a long term future with me (albeit cannot confirm marriage/children)…. I’m confused… I know he is in a horrible way and I know only he can bring himself out of this, but I feel like my whole entire life is being put on hold…
Help
This is one of the best articles I’ve read. I’ll try to keep my story short, but I would love advice!
My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, and three times he has followed this pattern: everything is amazing, something triggers him (usually my family in some way…he has trauma from bad family growing up), 6 weeks go by of him spiraling and withdrawing until he finally sends me a text saying he is done. Two-three months of no contact and back he comes saying how stupid he was and how he ran away in fear and will never do it again.
I’ve always backed off and let him come to me. But one time he asked me “If I back away completely, would you come after me? Do I matter that much to you?” So I’m in a quandary….I know the best thing after a breakup is to give him the space he craves. BUT….I told him that this time I’m not letting him go. I’m coming after him. So I need advice. Do I give him space, or do I check in every once in a while? I don’t want him to think that I just gave up, but I’m tired of being his emotional punching bag!
We also attend the same church…after our second break I left to go somewhere else, but came back when we got back together. That’s emotionally exhausting to even think about being in the same place as him, but I don’t really want to leave either.
If its emotionally exhausting, it means that this is not working out for you. You maylove and care for him but you gotta do whats best for you and your well being as well. A man like him has lost confidence on himself and asked you as a reassurance if you will be the one chasing and waiting everytime he does this all over again. You yourself is having doubt if this relationship would work, its up to you if you like this dynamic where he goes hiding and you keep waiting. Thats not love at all, thatsworrying and pitying and you feel like you cant abandon someone during their weakness. He need to work on himself and stand up tall.
Warning: very long, sorry:(
Good morning, I write to as I’m actively trying to build back my life after a breakup with my now ex-fiancée about 7 months ago. We had been together for roughly 3 years prior and seemed to be inseparable. We had moved in together in an apartment for a year and were in the process of buying a property together to build a home. After our lease ended for the apartment, we had planned to move in with her parents for the time being until our wedding and then move in with my father (closer to the property) until we had a place to move into on the property. However, when we moved into her parents, things started to change. She started to become more distant from me and slowly her depression started to rear its ugly head.
It was three days before our wedding, everything seemed to be in place and ready for the big day, but she sat me down and said we needed to talk. She told me that she couldn’t go through with it, she said that she couldn’t walk down the aisle knowing that she may just burst into tears, or getting as far as having children and then committing suicide leaving me with the kids. I didn’t know what to think about it, I was lost for words. I pleaded with her to go through with it and we can work on this together but to no avail. I finally conceded and went along with canceling the wedding with the idea of getting married at a later date. I obviously stayed with her, trying to be there for her as she started to see a therapist but the distancing got worse as she barely spoke to me despite sleeping in the same bed. The property that we were supposed to buy fell through as she refused to sign the documents. Then she said we should sleep in different beds, then it was we should split as she said that she needed to find herself out of all of this. I wasn’t angry and didn’t push back as I wanted to be supportive of her decisions, so I agreed and moved back in with my father 3 hours away.
Since that day we have seen each other once. I tried to text her to check up on her and see how she was doing from time to time but she only gave me one to two word replies and then eventually just left me on read, so I stopped. She has wiped me completely from her social media, even going as far as restricting me access by hiding posts and stories from me. It seems as though she would like to forget that I even exist.
I recently got into a relationship (mostly for the wrong reasons as I was angry about being ignored and was also encouraged to find someone else by my family and hers, who I still talk to). But so did she, and I believe she started seeing that person around the same time I started seeing someone else. This might’ve hurt the worst because she told me that she needed to be alone so that she could find herself yet about 3 months later she’s with someone else. And that someone else is a former boyfriend who she told me that her parents did not like and broke up with her because she was leaving for college. Which leads me to be even more confused and hurt on top of everything else.
This has left me spiraling in a world that I don’t know how to feel. I feel lost, angry, grief, depressed myself, hurt, and abandoned. Was it my fault? Was I not supportive enough? I just have so many questions and no answers.
I’ve reached out to her, just trying to talk about what happened but she ignored me. This angered me but I also don’t want to argue with her because I know I may say something that I will regret and may hurt her. But this all makes me think that I’ve been lied to and that this was all a farce to break off the wedding.
Maybe I’m right about all of this. Maybe I’ve let my emotions cloud my judgement and has led me to unrealistic conclusions. I don’t know. It’s just so hard to know that someone you love and would do anything for, doesn’t seem to share those feelings for you. I just don’t know.
Good Afternoon, I’ve been really struggling lately. My girlfriend and I were together 5 months. I knew early on that she had anxiety, but I didn’t know the extent of it until it was too late. We would argue over little things and the arguments would blow up into major things and we would both shutdown, continuously increasing her anxiety.
At one point she told me to read up on it, but I foolishly did not listen. We’ve both been in failed previous relationships and this one, although with the fights, seemed different. We always said how much we loved each other and planned our future and discussed everything. We had so much fun together and I never wanted it to end.
After one fight, her anxiety was extremely high and she said she needs to work on herself without the stress of a relationship, so we became “friends.” We hung out a day later, no drama, having fun as friends and it went great. The next day she texted me saying he can’t do this and needs to cut me out of her life completely while she tries to help herself. It took me until then to do extensive research on anxiety, effects it has and how to try and cope with it. My heart broke knowing that I could have done different things to help ease her pain, but I was too stubborn.
I have reached out to her stating that I will always be there for her and want to be able to support her through all of this, while bettering myself. She has mentioned even before “cutting me out” that she wants to be able to start over down the line after she betters herself and maybe, just maybe if we want to try again, that we can be on the same page and have a clean slate. We haven’t spoke for a week now and it’s been excruciating.
I am continuing learning about anxiety/depression and I may even see a therapist for my own health in hope to be able to be the person she wants me to be and the person I want to be for her. I have been an absolute mess without her as I truly know that she is the one and the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I’m just so scared that she will get better and not want me in her life at all. Has anyone had a similar situation and did it work out in the end? I never want to give up on her and I want to do anything I can to get her back. Or, am I just wasting my time trying?
I’m going through the exact same thing right now. I made it worse by texting her after a week of not contacting one another and I essentially lost my mind a little. I offered support and how I felt about her to try and provide support but she told me to leave her alone. We unfollowed one another on social media, so trust me, it can get worse.. With that said, I’m still not giving up on her but it is awful sitting around waiting because each day that goes by it feels like we are losing them more and more when all we want to do is to understand the depression and offer support. Unfortunately, from everything I have read, there’s not much we can do at this moment and it’s something they need to figure out and we just have to pray for another shot after. If there are any success stories I would love to hear them.
I need help. Love of my life. Dated back in highschool 2014-2016 and then college came. We went our separate ways and found each other again May 2018-present. We have been amazing. Communication is unreal, the love, passion and underlying friendship is everything any would want. He has been dealing with depression since we got back together in May 2018. Back then, he would push me away and “not speak to me” for 12 hours or so but always come back apologizing, looking for me, needing me etc. In 2.5 years, we have not gone a full day without speaking. Moving forward, he hasnt pushed me away since Oct 2019 so we have been so solid for over a year with communication and understanding etc. Friday night we fell asleep on FT so excited to see each other on Sat and how much we love each other. Wake up Sat, call him to see when I should arrive. “I dont want to see you”. We talk on the phone for an hour and it ends with him needing a “2 week break, no contact” to see if he can figure things out on his own. If not, he says we are done. He reassured me how much he loves me and it has nothing to do with me, blocked my number , and that was it. Its now been over 24 hours and I have not heard from him. Nothing. So unlike him to not come back with regrets. I need help. I need advice. Im a wreck. I am in physical pain thinking about losing him. He is the one we talk about our future constantly. I need him. I keep reaching out and get nothing. I am so lost I really need help please. I know he would never hurt me and he loves me so much. I cant lose him
Trust him, he gave you his words so give him your trust. Work on your insecurities and do something that takes your mind off while his minding his own business. He isnt a child but your man, therefore let him be a man to figure things out. If you dont want to lose him, do not falter with your fears of losing him by constantly approaching him through your anxiety.
Thank you. I think that’s all I can do. Trust his love and wait. I’m just terrified of losing him and not knowing how long to wait.
I’m gonna tell you right now, this is super long. I wanted to add all I could so you get a good idea. Feel free to ask me anything, I gotta get this figured out. So everything was awesome. Like we meshed together so good. I’ve never got along with someone like this. Ever. We never fought not once. Little bickers here and there but nothing big. Then Covid came. I guess he got bored idk. I’m bored to. But about a week before Christmas he was at my house and I asked him if he was coming over tomorrow it would’ve been a Friday he said yes, but I can’t stay the night, I gotta work tomorrow. So Friday comes and it’s 8pm and nothing. No text no call. So I texted him, nothing. So I called him, nothing. Now he begun slowly doing this, like not answering his phone he would call me every day after work(mind you I never once told him to call me after work, he just did) so the calls started coming Instead of 5-530 it would be 630-7 sometimes I would have to call because we had plans. He said I’m just having some beers at the warehouse. Ok that’s all fine I just want to know your alive. I don’t care what you do as long as you just give me a heads up. I’m not a clingy, jealous or a nagging person. I think I’m pretty chill, not a lot of girls would put up with this. So back to that Friday. I ended up going psycho, he was going to talk to me one way or the other. So I kept calling and calling and texting. I literally called him 200 times. No joke. I was worried and freaking out. So I made the mistake of reaching out to His ex baby mamma because that’s the only person who knows him. So she said this is what he does and they both cheated on each other. Well he ended up texting me Sunday, this all happened Friday night. I finally get a text at 7:30 at night. He said sorry about Friday I’m a Asshole I know, my phone broke Friday night and I had to get a new one. Ok so you had a working phone all day Saturday and you couldn’t get ahold of me? And he didn’t Have to work Saturday that was a lie. So when he texted me that Sunday, not called texted. I said why didn’t you just tell me what your doing I wouldn’t of cared. He said I wanted to go to a bar and not here you bitch. I said I want to go to a bar and this is worse not telling me your safe and only thinking of yourself. We had plans. I have never once told him he couldn’t do anything after work, just knowing your alive is all I ask for. Then he said I don’t know what I want, I need some space, some time to figure out if I want a relationship and I don’t like the checking in with you all the time it’s been bothering me forever awhile now. Never once did I say you have to call me everyday when you leave work. I said why didn’t you talk to me about it. He didn’t answer. Every time I text him it is a crap shoot if he was gonna answer. I asked if we could meet in person he said he needs time. He said he didn’t like the fact I contacted his ex or that you called 200 times. I said I know I messed up by taking to her I’m sorry and with the calling I just was worried didn’t know what was going on. He said you didn’t mess up, it’s ok. But he ended up throwing that in my face a couple of other times. On Christmas Eve I just went to his house. I definitely caught him off guard, he never thought I would just show up. We never hung out there, he has roommates. He’s like idk what to say. I need time. He goes I’m not done with you and I do think about you. I asked him are you just saying that because I’m right in front of you or do you really mean that. He said a little bit of both. He said he didn’t cheat on me and there was nobody he was interested in. I enjoy being alone. Then he goes I will come over Sunday. He comes over and acts like it was any normal he comes in grabs a beer and turns on Netflix and we continue watching what we were watching before. I was drunk so I’m horny. Sorry this next part is detailed. We started messing around the whole time we’ve been together he’s always wanted me to do anal. It’s not that I didn’t want to I needed to work up to it, he isn’t exactly small and I’ve never done it before. So we are having regular sex then with no lube he just puts it in. Slowly but went all the way in. It hurt snd felt good at the same time. I was crying because I didn’t understand what the was going on. He never asked if I was ok or am I hurting you. I didn’t tell him to stop because going back to vaginal sex after without cleaning up is a no no. And I wanted to make him happy. I would do anything for him, I love him. So I’m bawling he goes you want to smoke a cigarette. Ok we are smoking and I couldn’t keep it together and I said you can go if you want. And he goes. I held out on texting him and a week after that happened comes around and I couldn’t believe I haven’t heard from him yet, especially because of what happened that Sunday night. So from then until now he has never texted me. I keep texting him, I can’t stop. Sometimes he responds, most of the time he doesn’t. And the last 2 times he has responded with a attitude like I’m trying to fight with him. I’m not. Not once throughout our relationship have I said 1 mean word to him. Like I said the way we got a long was awesome and incredible. And from when he said he needed space until now have I said 1 mean thing to him. I should be furious and want to lash out, hurt him like he hurt me. But I have kept it cool. For some reason I’ve been really nice and definitely pathetic but never mean. I just don’t understand why he can’t talk to me. Like I have never in my life felt these feelings for anyone, he has made me 100% happy. I thought I was done dating. We were so good together he even admitted that last week.(oh that Sunday when he got ahold of me after his phone broke I said can I ask you some questions. I texted a lot. He would text like a sentence here and there and 2 of the sentences were. I do love you snd you do make me happy….ok???). I just keep thinking what did I do wrong. In July of 2020 I was coming off of a suboxin program he was my rock through this. So I really had no libido. But I kept thinking even before drugs and rehab I was lacking. I thought something was wrong with me. After reading some forums with girls that had the exact problems. I finally figured out what was wrong. 15 years ago I had cervical cancer and had a LEEP done. So there are nerve endings on your cervix that lead to your brain. Mine were burnt off with the surgery. This is something that will never grow back. So I got on Wellbutrin because it helps with libido and let me tell you it does. So a few weeks before that no call, no show Friday, the meds kicked in. So we were sleeping together more like when we first got together. Another reason why I always didn’t wanna have sex is because I had to move back home right before I met him or I was gonna lose my car. And having sex right under my parents bedroom isn’t exactly sexy, also my mom said she can here every time we do it. That’s another thing we have in common. We are both losers that had to move back to mommy and daddy’s. Before Covid we would go to the bar, or out to eat then go to the sex store buy something new and exciting then get a crappy hotel. It was so much fun. I’ve offered to go now even with Covid. I’m bored to. We would talk about it. We had plans for the future. We have a impractical jokers show to go to. I can’t do this. What this has done to my body. I’m losing my hair I don’t sleep I’m constantly crying. I cry so hard sometimes my stomach gets knotted up and it hurts so bad and sometimes puke from it. I have blood in my puke and when I blow my nose. I can’t stop texting him, he isn’t answering. We are seriously meant for each other. He doesn’t want anymore kids, I don’t want kids. He doesn’t want to get married, I don’t either. And the thought of it fading away from his mind is too much to handle. I actually made a psychologist appointment. I can’t let him go. It’s gonna be hard for him to keep a girlfriend. He lives at home. Most women want to get married and most women want kids or already have them. There is something going on with him. He doesn’t face lifes problems. He would rather walk away. Even with friends. He was super close to this married couple and their kids. The husband and him worked together. Well my guy found out that his friend was gonna get fired. I said you need to tell to save him from the embarrassment, he said I will. Well he didn’t. He hasn’t talked to them since this happened in June. See there was a problem and he didn’t want to get involved so he walked away. They have even texted him, are you alive?, happy birthday, and other random stuff. He has not responded to any of them. It’s not like they were arguing or something. The wife even said to me, we would not have been mad, which I knew that. I’m sure he knows that deep down, but is so custom to blocking it out. Lately he’s been drinking more and going to bars. He is hanging out with his boss a 18 year old and a guy who is married with kids. I actually stalked his FB and saw he added some chick. So I messaged her lol. I couldn’t help it, I need to find out what is going on. I mean he semi ghosted me. She said she is actually going through something similar. She said he’s not interested in any of us girls here. He just comes in, engages in small talk every now and is very nice. If he gets Covid he will probably kill his parents. I know he was single for 8 years before me. That is a long time. I’m sure he random one night stands and stuff but nothing serious. So why me? Why did he get into a relationship with me? Why did he introduce me to his son the second time we hung out? He told me he loved me within the first month of being together. I don’t know what to do. I know he’s freaked out about the custody case but he shouldn’t be drinking more and hanging in the bars more. Don’t lawyers know the things people do in custody battles? Like arnt people supposed to be on their best behavior before the court date? I can’t lose him. I don’t know what is going on with him. He’s not this mean or cold hearted. I’m mean ghosting after a month or two I get but 2 years. This is just ripping me apart, literally. What can I do? I still am texting. Stuff like what can I do for you? I love you? I’m always here for you. Stuff like that. I haven’t heard anything from him in days. I got a sentence from him last week and he was kinda smartassy. That couple told me he was different with me, he was happy. Is ex said the same thing he seemed happier when he was with me. So he just pushes everything away, doesn’t face life or anything that could backfire. It’s like he doesn’t want to answer to anyone. How can I help him? Please, I need advice. I feel it in my heart he is my soulmate. Nobody has ever made me feel this way. If he needs time, ok. If I was reassured he will come back and he won’t get into another relationship. He told me this has absolutely nothing to do with you. We didn’t end with a fight, he was at my house the night before he went to that bar and we ended the night like we always did. Oh snd from the beginning he texted me every single morning and said good morning beautiful and good night sweet dreams I love you baby every night. That stopped that day he went to the bar. I’m completely broken. It’s his mind and how he thinks problems could be resolved. What can I say to get him to text me. Something is telling me not to give up on this. Another thing that night I called 200 times, why not turn your phone off? And now with all my annoying texts why not block me, we are also FB friends still. Thanks for reading.
In a similar situation, he ghosted me after committing himself to psychiatric clinic…I miss him so much.
It’s been for months now and I gave up reaching out to him ,,I genuinely care about him but I’m losing my sanity.
I understand. Mine won’t let go of his pride. He had to have been left or hurt or never felt love from someone to act like this. I mean he outed his best friend because he thought there would be a confrontation about a work issue. They have texted him numerous times saying are you alive, we miss you happy birthday, stuff like that and he won’t respond to them either. It’s been 6 months since they have spoke to him. I don’t know what else to do. He is now completely ignoring me.
Im so sorry to hear this. I honestly think he is going through something and he may just not have the mental capacity to be in a relationship right now. My man has been upset before, he is right now- which is why I am on this blog. He would never treat / talk to me like this though. Maybe it is time to reflect on the way he treats you when he is upset. My man gets upset and shuts me out, but communicates why. He tells me how much he loves me and gives me a specific day where we will meet in person and talk. I would maybe ask for the same. See if he can give you the same respect. If he cant respect you and treat you right when he is at his lowest, he doesn’t deserve the opportunity to treat you right and respect you when he’s at his highest. No matter how he is feeling , it is not an excuse to be disrespectful. I hope this helps
Thanks. I’m just so lost. Because he has never said a mean word to me or done anything mean. That’s why I don’t understand the ghosting. He said it was nothing I did. But then why cut off contact with me completely. We were not fighting when this happened, we got along so good. I honestly thought he was my soulmate. I was told he is my twin flame, if you believe in that kinda crap. I just want my best friend back. I feel so empty
Mine had attempted suicide.
We had an argument.
I didn’t know he was depressed.
I felt so hurt with the crazy turn of events.
I managed to talk to him two days later and he seemed hot and cold with me.
He apologised for the pain and hurt he brought me cause it was never his intention.
He asked me to take care of myself and that we will talk once he recovers as he was mentally unstable.
He asked me not to contact him as it would have been impossible for him to heal having me in mind.
He blocked me, everywhere
I knew nothing about his depression and depression generally so I acted out of character (sending him lots of bitter texts) as I thought he was being mean and insensitive to me.
I’ve not heard from him for 5 months now.
What should I do?
I love him.
We had future plans together.
He was gentle with me but clearly depression ruined what we shared together.
so Ive been in a relationship with this guy, he is an amazing person, loving, caring and he is good to everybody around him. because of this, I made him my world, we lived together but had to live apart as of now,like continents away, we are planning our wedding and move to him after,but because of this pandemic,things are not going our way, there are times that things get really rough, he is extra sensitive that he gets offended so easily,he cant handle work stress and starts to hate and suspicious to everyone around him.he casts himself from everybody. He resorts in breaking up with me sometimes but I still try to save it,I told him I would never leave him no matter what, I don’t take personally whatever he says, either when he is angry but sometimes it I cry myself out. I love him but I always feel scared of loosing him because of what he goes through. I am always assuring him that I love him and I am here for him. I dont know what else anymore I can do…
Hi, so I was with my partner 3 years… he came into my life with his beautiful dog who I loved straight away… to be honest a dog was the last thing I wanted as I didn’t want the commitment and responsibility for one, but there you go, totally took to him and fell in love with both. Just before lockdown last year my partner was suffering anxiety attacks through work and not sleeping… I told him to give his work up as his health was more important, I was there to help and support him until he felt better and decided what he wanted to do with his life once he was better in himself.. He did do and gave his business up and went to the doctors and got medication for the anxiety and to help him sleep… I was there for him financially and emotionally. He started to change towards me, he stopped being affectionate, making me feel unwanted and unloved, never gave me any sort of attention so eventually I became insecure.. and it caused rows between us, I said to him I think it would be better if he moved back into his flat so we could have space as it felt like he didn’t want to be with me… so he did. He left the end of November without his dog… got his business up and running again and feels like he’s never looked back. He’s not even bothered at all about his dog and left him with me! He’s still on his medication and can’t get off them at the moment… I feel I keep reaching out to him to get absolutely nothing back. I still love him as I remember the loving caring person he used to be, and know he is… but feels like he’s not caring about anyone not even his “baby”…. should I just move on?… im just so confused especially with him walking away without him.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 2.5 years. She has been on medication the majority of the time. Sometimes out of no where she will change. Out of no where she will distance herself, and then after a while, claim she is not in love with me. She has no feelings for me. She views me as a friend and nothing more. Every time it crushes me to hear. But, like always, after a few days, weeks, months, her feelings towards me change and she comes right back. She has done this to me usually during the winter months (handful of days here and there in the spring as well). Last Feb 2020 she did this, and turned very angry towards me. Claimed I was just a brother to her, did not enjoy being intimate with me. Wanted to date others. I backed off. Days later kept calling and talking as friends. We hung out a few times, as friends. Then one night, she wanted me to stay over and I declined. The next morning she asked if we could talk. So I went to her place around noon. She was laying in bed still when I got there. So I layed with her and she just poured everything out. She was emotionless as she talked. She told me that she knew, in her heart that she loved me more than a friend. She said that every relationship she had in her life, she pushed guys away, including me, and she didn’t know why. She said I was the first guy that she still constantly thought about, after pushing me away. She proceeded to say she wished she wasn’t like this. She said that she knew she loved me in her heart and she didn’t want me to give up on her/us. She said please be patient, no matter what I tell you, try and be patient and know I love you. So I did…. and then as soon as March 1st came, she came out of her depression and we were back together, stronger then ever. She moved in with me last summer, with her kids (we each have 2 kids, 4 total). Everything has been amazing…. We actually just got engaged in the fall…. Then in Oct 2020 she told me she wanted off her medication. I pleaded with her to reconsider but she didn’t. Within days I saw a change. Very irritable, anxious, etc. But things were still okay overall. But now, like always….. Things have fallen apart…. All this month (Jan 2021) shes been blaming me for failing as a partner. I’m the worst thing ever. She has called off our engagement…. She would be so angry, irritable, sad, confused with me…. No matter what I did, I was WRONG in her eyes. She has now gone out, purchased a house for herself and her 2 kids and is moving out. She has been packing her belongings over the last 2 weeks and walks around and treats me like I never meant anything to her. I tried talking to her, explaining that I will work on things, and giving my opinion that this may be because she is depressed. I explained to her that since we’ve been together, every time during the winter months, she broke up with me. Always between mid Dec through Feb she has gone through depression and has broken up with me, felt differently about me. She yelled and claimed she is not depressed, its my actions that are causing her to leave. I don’t communicate, I don’t parent as well as her, I’m there for the fun times but absent when times are rough, etc. No matter what I say or do, its not changing anything now……..
I’m sharing my story to explain…. No matter what this is going to be your life. Constant ups and downs….. When your bf is off medication, they are depressed, anxious…. On meds, they feel better, but sometimes they become a shell…. Have trouble loving or enjoying sex as much as when they are off….
My partner got off meds because it dulled her, she didn’t feel like a person sometimes….. But now that shes off medication, she has trouble dealing with things….. Its a difficult thing to deal with….
Make sure you take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, talk to friends/family/therapist.
You’re partner will eventually come back, till then just be supportive and give them space….
Thank you for posting your story. It’s a reminder that depression seems to rarely be a short-term illness remedied by a couple days of rest or a nice vacation.
I can’t express how similar this feels to the story of my bf and I. The constant blame, feeling like if he could just get away from me all would be better. The utter heart break to hear I am no longer loved, and never will be by him again. His work suffers, his family relationships suffer, I suffer. I had him *almost* get help last summer, but he pushed it off after a doctor told him he had depression but he didn’t think the doctor took him serious enough so he just stopped trying to get help and instead blamed me for it all. Issue is due to covid I’m stuck here, in a country I’m not from until the forseeable future. He’s threatened to kick me out where I would have nowhere to go if I even remotely seem emotional or question him.
Anyways, I just hope you take care of you. As much talk as there is to cater to and take care of the depressed person, I feel that the complete wreckage and heart break their illness leaves behind goes mostly unnoticed as collateral, but damn it’s hard.
Hi Patrick,
Your story sounds exactly like mine. The only difference is we did end up getting married after 8 years get and I thought the leaving would stop but here we are again. He left 2 weeks ago while I was at work andni came home to his wedding band on the counter and a note. We haven’t even really been fighting lately. I was so busy with school and work and I havent had alot of time with him but he told me he was proud of me for how hard I’ve been working. School just finished and just when I will start having less stress and more time to spend with him he does this. He left 2 Sundays ago, and the Friday before he left I came home from work and he told me how much he loves me and wants to take care of me, he made me an amazing steak dinner, made me a tea, heated the heating pad for me because my neck was sore, gave me a massage and then I found out that same night he told my neighbors he was leaving that Sunday. On Sunday after he left he texted me and told me he was suicidal and needed to go to a treatment center and to remember he does love me. When I came home to the note and his wedding band his phone was off and has been since. He has done this more times then I can count especially through the years we were dating and I really thought once we were married he would stop doing it. Everytime he does it it hurts just as bad as the last even though he has always came back, I still question if he will again. Him and my daughter, which is his stepdaughter are really close and he hasn’t even talked to her in the 2 weeks hes been gone either. His phone has been off ever since. Part of me is so angry that he could do this to our family and the other part is so hurt. I feel like marriage should mean so much more then just taking your wedding band off and leaving all the time. Even when we would get in little arguments he would take it off for a min and it was so hurtful. I know I deserve better then this but its so hard when you love someone so much, knowing they are sick and the good times are so good. This affects me so much, I lost about 10 lbs in 2 weeks I cant eat or sleep or work. None of it makes sense, he was so loving before he left and a few weeks ago when we had an argument he wouldn’t let me leave for work, he and he was panicking and didn’t want me to go to work upset nd he doesn’t want to fight with me. I dont understandnif he was that panicked over an argument hiwnhe could leave me like this 😔 This is so hard and I really dont understand why they do this at all
I have a very personal experience with all of this. My girlfriend of quite a while broke up with me recently and I was really struggling, still am sort of. She had lost a parent a while back and always got depressed around the time of year that they passed away (coincidentally the week of our breakup). When we first started our relationship, she was extremely depressed and had no direction. She was in an abusive relationship when we met and managed to get out of that. Our relationship flourished for almost a year. We were both in love and just happy in general. Around the time that the pandemic really started affecting daily life, adding on many financial stressors to her, I started noticing a change. The girl I met that was originally depressed started coming back. She became less positive around me, more stressed, and just negative in general. She talked about going to therapy, but never decided on going. Eventually, the blame for the problems in her life shifted towards me. I couldn’t believe it. She broke up with me from one day to the next, saying there was no more love left and completely vanished. I was being blamed for everything and had a severe identity crisis. Some hurtful things were said right after that contributed to this. After analyzing and dissecting the entire relationship, I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was putting in effort, but my effort alone wasn’t enough to cure her disease. It’s truly heartbreaking seeing the person you love turn into someone else and blame the person that loves them the most and supported them through everything. But this is her battle. I nearly broke myself trying to fix her. I hope one day she recovers and realizes that I wasn’t to blame for everything.
In a similar situation, he ghosted me after committing himself to psychiatric clinic (he had attempted suicide over medicine overdose) :(…I’m almost due but when he left he told me that he wanted to be alone and won’t be present for both the baby and I. He also said that he isn’t okay and us communicating depressed him even more so he asked me not to text, call or check on him because it’s impossible for him to heal having me on his mind . He had promised to reach out and talk to me once he feels better/heals but it’s been 5 months and I’ve never heard from him,,he was released two months ago but during that time i tried so hard reaching out on vain. I felt hurt that he abandoned the baby and I,,I didn’t know much about depression then..I miss him so much.
It’ I gave up reaching out to him ,I genuinely care about him but I’m losing my sanity. I had to stop talking to his sister who eventually invalidated my pain and emotions and called me crazy when I used different numbers and accounts to contact my baby daddy since he never reached out as he had promised…this is an experience that tore me apart… as much as we should understand our depressed partners, how I wish they understood the impact of their depression on us and atleast be gentle with us,,we are collateral damage in this. 🙁
Hello Just looking for a bit of advice. I’ve recently broke up with my partner of 1 year. Her grandmother who she was really close with died at the beginning of last year year. She said that’s shes depressed and needs help. I’ve been a supportive partner all the way through and don’t think I could have done anymore. Over the last month we have began arguing. One of the reasons for this is that she posts on social media about her family but never included me. It made me think there was more to it. When I asked about this she kept on shutting me down.
Now she’s saying she can’t save our relationship and grieve at the same time so wants to be alone. I haven’t spoken to her for around a week now and really don’t know what to do.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated at this difficult time.
Hi John, that sounds difficult. The only advice I think I could offer would be to keep the no contact period up for as long as you can. It sounds like she needs to work through some things, and it also sounds like she knows she can get in touch with you is she wants.
Do you want to be back with her or are you wanting to find a way to move on?
It seems like this is such a common issue! I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and when he started feeling depressed he pushed me away and eventually broke up with me. We had the most amazing relationship, we were best friends and had no major/underlying issues. He’s open about his mental struggles and is seeking therapy but he says he just can’t be in a relationship right now because he has to focus on himself He says that if he starts to feel better in himself he will be open to restarting the relationship. He also said he would be open to us ‘checking in’ with each other every so often to see how things are going.
In the beginning I was very resistant to all of this but eventually realised that he had made up his mind and nothing I could say would change that. It’s been 4 weeks now since we’ve spoken and I’m glad that I’ve given him the space. I still have so much hope and faith that things can work out between us, that we can come back together understanding ourselves and each other even better. I’m wondering how an outsider who has maybe gone through the same thing would perceive my situation?
Hi, it’s a month today since my ex broke up with me and our situation sounds really similar, we were just together a tiny bit longer. As we’re both about 4 weeks in, I don’t know if I can offer any advice as such but just reaching out to say I feel ya!
One thing that I would point out though is make sure you’re enabling yourself to move on. When you say he might be open to restarting your relationship, that’s going to be a nicer experience for him than it is you as you may be holding out hope and he may have said it to make the breakup easier? Obviously that may not be the case and even if it were, who knows what will happen in the future. My personal thought is that by leaving the door open in a little way like that, it might be a lot harder for you to move forwards.
My ex and I didn’t discuss this as I felt it was weird to say during a breakup, but I think we both know that we could never say never for a future relationship (only if we work on ourselves). But by telling him that I won’t be waiting round, I think it has helped me in a way.
Also, I started watching some ‘the dating guy’ videos on YouTube and although not geared at depression, I cannot tel you how helpful his words have been post breakup. It sounds cringey, but he’s honestly a real blessing (and not one of those stupid scammer white men who do how to get your ex back videos full of hope).
Thank you so much for replying! This is such a cruel and upsetting way to lose someone that you love, its been really hard to deal with. I was so surprised when I looked it up and saw how common it is. I’m really glad that he is seeing a therapist and is owning the fact that he’s having issues, as some men seem to stay in denial for much longer. I’ve done therapy before and it helped sooo much with my own mental health issues so that does make me hopeful.
I know what you mean about moving on, it is especially hard to think about moving on at the minute while life is so halted because of the pandemic, I feel like it would be great if I could distract myself by going out with my friends and having new experiences. So that is definitely something that I should bear in mind.
I will check out the dating guy thank you! I have been really put off by all of the scammers online lol!
I’m 50 and my partner of 5 years is 55. The first two years of our relationship was amazing. I will save the three year saga of how it deteriorated, but I never stopped loving him. It’s just who I am. He suddenly pulled away from me and stopped telling me he loved me, touching me, reaching for me, etc. and it has just continued to decline for the past two years. I made the decision to move out a couple of years ago to save my sanity as the constant emotional roller coaster was killing me. By having my own space, I had a quiet, calming location where I could go to recharge and think without the stress. He’s been depressed for some time and his family and I have encouraged him to seek treatment. He tried medication for the first time about 2 years ago and lasted about 3 weeks before he stopped taking it, blaming it for his hair loss. That was about 18 months ago. Well, he’s decided to give it another try. He has asked me to attend his tele appointment with him as “I know him better than he knows himself”. He told me he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t know if he’s ever actually loved anyone in his life and that he feels nothing. That was around Christmas time (we stopped seeing each other on Halloween). I have kept light contact with him, mainly just checking in via text, asking if he’s doing okay. Even his texting/writing style has changed…he’s SO not himself. I had held out hope that if he sought help, there might be a chance for us, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to get back into that. Yesterday he told me that we both have to “move on”. He had a very difficult time with letting me go and always kept that door open just a bit…always with references to the future or the just his inability to say, “yes, we need to be done!”, etc. Yesterday he decided we need to move on so that we will have a “chance for the future”. I’ve been holding my heart in limbo, waiting and hoping, but something about that message from him was like being cut loose. I still love him and would love to have the old him back in my life…but I am not holding out much hope that he’ll ever return. I gave him some advice on his second attempt at meds (and mailed him some information from this site) and told him that was all I have left, that I wished him happiness and ended with “peace out!” yes, I really did and I still am shocked I said that, but it was the feeling of elation that I was finally, truly free from the constant emotional roller coaster that had been my life for the past 5 years. I do still feel some potential hope that maybe things will improve and he’ll seek me out again, but who knows. If I’m free and healed, we can have a conversation, but if I’m not healed or I’ve moved on, then I wont. I guess it’s that simple now. I hate that I allowed him to make that decision about our relationship and hold me hostage to that for the past 3 years. Never again. While I still vacillate through emotions on occasion, I know it’s part of the healing process. I finally not only know my worth and value as a partner, I believe in it and if he can’t appreciate it, that’s okay. I know it, and that’s what matters for me now.
Hi!
We have the same situation except your ex gave you an assurance that when he starts to feel better in himself, he’ll be open to restarting the relationship. My ex broke up with me without giving me assurance he’d come back or whatever . It’s been 2 months since we broke up. I think you’re quite lucky compared to my case cause I’ve been overthinking and it hurts like hell.
Hi
Just reading these stories is so sad. 🙁 I really feel so sorry.
I just had my first experience of coming across someone who is depressed. A man. Whom I love very much. I’ve never come across it before in my life. It’s the most frightening thing ever.
I think that he has had a nervous breakdown and is depressed and has suddenly walked out. After being the love of my life and it being so wonderful. He was losing his job he had huge financial problems. But let me be clear I was by your side every step of the way and did everything from sorting out an appointment with the GP, getting him medication, helping him, listening to him. Cooking and feeding him.
But after three weeks I gave up. As he kept cutting and running. The middle of the night so much so that had to go looking for him and that’s when I thought enough. I myself am a mother. And I need to be responsible and look after myself. After all who is looking after me?
We who have to handle loved ones with depression, have a duty to set boundaries. And look after ourselves.
It is not right that people who are sick and ill, refuse help then go and destroy other people’s lives. And if they are told they are hurting that person they still continue. That to me is a violation of trust.
They should not bring such shit into other peoples lives. And if they do, you need to walk away from it.
For example, if somebody has broken their leg, you don’t see them wading around while they’re trying to be surgically repaired coming in and attempting to make other people’s lives a misery.
Sick need help. Urgent professional medical help. And if they refuse – than that is when I draw the line and get angry. As so many people are dying of the pandemic and don’t have a choice.
I also find it interesting that there are so many men who are running away from heavy situations. Yet single mothers, keep on going. We have to find that depth to us. We have to plan reserves.
And as for those who use their depression to blame others, I find that disgusting and toxic. I’m not sure that that is depression actually. But actually narcissist so this is where I wanted to ask where one starts and the other stops? Just reading the amount of beautiful kind people whose lives have been destroyed because somebody has used the depression to try and gaslight them is disgusting.
I myself have poor mental health but I’ve never ended up being cruel to someone. And if I’m causing someone hurt and causing them to cry, I could not live with myself. So we do have to set boundaries between those who are ill and those who knowing they have the mental capacity to actually stop being cruel – but they do not.
And THAT is what I’m not okay about.
If someone is not in a position to give you what you need in a healthy relationship, you need to move on.
You need to keep away from them.
Go on a date. See friends. Find other people who will nourish you. Because that is what a relationship is.
Healthy love is not codependency nor a parasitical one where one looks after the other like a baby. And if people haven’t got their shit together or are ill, sure they need support but they should go fix themselves and make themselves whole so they can be in a position to love someone. And if they cannot, they need to be very transparent. Or just do what some of my depressed friends do, which is really work hard at trying to put measures and boundaries in place to protect their loved ones. Because that is what love is.
I truly love the man who has ended up walking out on me just before Christmas and New Year’s. I know it must be his illness because he’s also letting his own children down. However that does not mean that my life must stop.
For many who actually are involved with men or women who treat them badly because of their depression, I ask you this. Please look at what healthy love looks like. Love should never make you feel inadequate. Love should never make you second-guess. You should not have to beg or plead or worry. People may lose the capacity to be in a position to love you when that happens the best thing to do is to let them go.
This is very different Of course to the situation of someone who is depressed who is sick and ill. The man who has asked for help and you choose to love them because after all a loving relationship is also to stand by someone when they are poorly.
But the stories I’m reading here helped me decide to actually go on a date today. Because I was so frightened that I don’t want to end up pining after a man who actually is so sick and ill, he does not have the mental capacity to text or phone me. Why not? Seriously? They cannot send one text or a call? Does that sound ok to you?
I spoke to a therapist and I’m told many who are depressed do have the mental capacity actually to not be cruel. Because otherwise the diagnosis is they are stark raving ill and need to be reported to police because they are not in full mental health capacity.
And just reading about men running away in the camper vans or walking out on their women, the wife and children is really angering me. I mean why don’t we hear of women walking out on their kids in the posts above?
I also have cultural diaspora heritage and I think a lot of the problem is trauma from childhood and a lack of love and connection with their own family. So this means when stressful situations occur to some men, there is nowhere to hold them.
Or their failure to be held or never having been held, means that they actually slide.
They implode with a lifetime of trauma. And I feel sad – but then I think of kids who grow up – hungry and poor because dad has walked out in them because he was so sick and refused medical help.
I fully accept that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. But like any other illness, that does not mean that somebody has to give up their life for this sick person who ends up abusing them. As one therapist told me the best thing is to let them fall to rock bottom because that is the motivation perhaps they need to actually swim to the surface.
So anyone reading this. Please stop being miserable or worrying. If you’ve done everything you can and they still don’t want to be in your life, let them be.
Walk away.
Get on with your own life.
Give your love, your smiles and your heart to others or at least let others appreciate it.
There is only one life. And you deserve the best as well. And if it’s meant to be, that person will sort out the problems and understand that healthy love is also protective love.
I hope I’ve not offended anyone here. I just really care about people and I just think all the people writing here just goes to show how much love there is in the world. But that unrequited love is one of the most cruel experiences to have to endure and I want that pain to stop for those of you suffering. As your mental health is also important.
XXXX
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write all of this and share part of your experience with us. I’ve been struggling for a whole year now to get past my last relationship, and a lot of what you’ve written in this one comment has been helpful & very eye opening to me, so thank you. It’s very different from most of the other comments that I’ve seen, and in a good way. It’s hopeful, uplifting, honest and explains important things about relationships & self care in a way that was almost easy to understand, but not in a way that was judge-mental or condescending.
And this right here was my favorite line:
“I hope I’ve not offended anyone here. I just really care about people and I just think all the people writing here just goes to show how much love there is in the world.”
I picked up on those vibes about you & your compassion early on when I started reading your comment; that’s part of why I wanted to keep reading. It’s so refreshing to know that there are still people like you out there, who are genuine & kind and truly care about other people & want to spread love, despite being let down or in bad situations yourself. And then to be able to somewhat feel some of that compassion and support through what you wrote was incredible, especially after dealing with the complete opposite of that for so many years.
Just know that you & your story are appreciated, and helped more than you probably realize. Thank you, and have a Happy New Year
No offense taken, but as a point of clarification, it’s not just men who walk out on a relationship. In fact, the way most men are wired to be fixers, a woman walking out because of an illness can be very, very hard on the non-depressed male.
You sound like a really strong person, wow your message gave me some kind of fighting spirit I need right now. You’re so right, if you’ve done all you can and it’s not enough then you can’t keep on forsaking yourself. It’s obviously such a complex issue, but I found myself saying that because he’s depressed I completely forgive his behaviour. I knew that if he wasn’t, then the way he was treating me was not ok at all.
It’s interesting what you say about men leaving and women trying their best etc etc. I don’t doubt that women also leave men in similar situations, but so many of these comments are from women. I think this says more about how men and women cope different in this situation than it being more common with one gender. Perhaps as women we feel the need to connect and understand more than men do? Maybe men don’t reach out (it wouldn’t surprise me) in any format like we are in a way here.
Thanks for your message of strength, I hope you find someone that values you as much as you deserve.
Hi,
this is really helpful. My wife .. so it‘s not only men .. just broke up with me. We were together for 13 years and then a few days ago she just told me that we are done. 2 weeks earlier I was the love and men of her life, she could imagine to be a day without me, loving me extremely much etc etc
And then within a couple of hours everything crashed. From +100% to 0%.
I have made for sure many mistakes, she blames me for stories 13 years ago when I was still in my first marriage. She says now the breaking point was my last mistake, where I admittedly acted very stupidly not telling her the truth about our financial situation, where I really messed up after we both lost our jobs. I know it sounds stupid and it actually was, but I did it to protect her. Of course totally wrong. But also nothing unsolvable.
She has many many issues from childhood, previous relationships etc etc. Really painful stuff, some of her previous relationships were really sick. The relationship with her mother is a total mess and pulls her down extremely much.
She told me 10 days ago and also several times earlier that she had forgiven me. Not for long obviously.
She is totally depressed right now, as this point in time she rejects medical treatment and just wants to be alone. I am deeply convinced that her biggest issues come back from childhood.
There were definitely problems in our relationship and we should have worked on them. Now she says it is too late and she has to find her own way and wants to move out.
With all the problems in our relationship we were extremely close to each other, until 2 weeks ago, we really felt like soulmates and thinking alike. Now I am not even allowed to touch her feet. She refuses any kind of couple therapy, honestly she would also not be able to right now as she is so messed up.
I am sure I have to let her go and I really don’t know whether she will ever come back to me and that really really hurts. But I know I have to go on and find my way into life.
I cannot imagine not to talk or text with her, it will be really hard once she is gone but I also know that I have to wait until she might come back to me, most likely never.
I was with my ex for 22 years. His depression has caused him to push everyone in his life away, except me, who he pushes and pulls depending on his mood (which fluctuates constantly). He’s been suicidal for most of our relationship and will devastatingly likely one day take his own life. I still love him (I always will) but feeling soley responsible for someone elses life in this way is relentless. I’m trying to move forward and live a hopeful life but it’s almost impossible, as despite our breakup I’m still trying to be of support to my ex. In the process I continuously get blamed for his situation and regularly relive how I disappointed him and hear of my failures (and everyone elses from his life). It’s a constant back and forth of I need you, I hate you. I feel I’m giving up almost as much of myself now as I was when we were together. As much as I love him, I’m considering cutting ties completely as he treats me so poorly and does nothing for my self-esteem. But if I walk away there’s no one left. Because I love him I feel an obligation to continue to be here for him, but I’m sacrificing my own happiness in the process. I constantly excuse his bad behavior because of his depression. It hurts me deeply but I keep reminding myself, his depression hurts him more.
Please stay away from him – he sounds toxic. You deserve better.
So grateful to have found this blog.
I have been in a relationship with my (ex)partner for just about 2 years. We met online, both not fully expecting a relationship. She had just moved back to the states and quit a successful career due to her mental health. Understanding the stressful conditions of the job, I didnt think much of her intense stories of depression. Important to note when we first started dating her messaging was confusing to me. She kept telling me to see other people etc. while being clearly serious with me. I did, she was crushed, we had to work through it. I will say meeting her felt like this quiet calm and truth I’ve never felt with a person. A deep, deep connection.
Early in our relationship we kept running into issues that I now realize are agoraphobia. She couldn’t really be at my house. She was unable to drive. She lived with her parents at the time (as a mid 20s) and always found an excuse to suddenly go back. Fast forward to her starting a new job. As soon as she started the new job every single weekend she was snap, get so angry yell and break up with me then immediately be so remorseful etc.
Obviously I saw this an unacceptable yet recognized this amazing loving person in my life was struggling. Luckily she pursued therapy + psychiatry and was diagnosed with a panic disorder.
Covid has obviously not been great for her. Over the summer in order for us to see each other I would have to drive to her parents, drive her back to my place (no highways), and then drive her home before work. It was too much. I said I am sorry I need to either spend real time with you or I just can’t keep this up. In response to this she essentially moved in, in hindsight this was a mistake but I was doing my best to navigate.
Without surprise while there were so many lovely moments, but it spiraled and she suddenly left in the middle of an argument one day. She broke up with me yet continued to talk to me. It’s been four months of this. Texting me all day, agreeing we’re together, but unable to call or hang out and every weekend being a minefield that ends with her breaking up with me.
A few weeks ago I hit my breaking point and just didn’t even know what to say to her so I didn’t respond for a few days. When I finally did she apologized for her behavior and told me that while she can’t be in a relationship I am the person she wants to be with, she wants to support me the best she can, and if I choose to see other people etc, she will be here to support me. She also set a hopeful date to restart our relationship. She also suggested to get together which is something I would never do. Of course, getting together fell through. I am ashamed to say I did not handle it well. I forced her into a conversation, made threats, and pushed boundaries. This has been so much to handle and I didn’t handle it well. She told me everything she said to me is a lie, she doesnt want to be with me, when she said it she was lying, she’s doing amazing (she’s not!), and how great she and how toxic I am. I feel so hurt by being told I am toxic because I know that while I am human and have struggled to always handle this well, I am not the real issue! I am hurt that now I am being stonewalled. Two days ago she was telling me how much she loves me and now this. Truly so hurtful. I feel scared she wont realize it’s not me. I am hurt by the joy she seems to get by pushing me away when she is shut down. I am so scared that I ruined everything with my mistake — even though I know I should be allowed to make mistakes without loosing everything. But as we all know, that’s not always how it goes in these situations!
I carry so much regret and shame for not always being able to handle her behavior well and responding with intensity and counter productive actions. I hope she can forgive me as I have to her. I am okay if she can’t show up and is in my life as a committed, half partner. But I am so crushed if she truly believes in her core that I am the issue. I felt such relief when she apologized etc, and I am so distraught I ruined it.
My partner and I were together for 5 years. In that time I watched him change from a man full of joy, hope and ambition, to a shadow of himself. He changed job two years ago to a position that didn’t align with his true nature: to give, to help and to serve. It put pressure on him, he took a massive pay cut, and he was surrounded in bitter and arrogant people. To this day he is still in this job and has moved out of our home, leaving me and my daughter (his ‘step’ daughter) to be closer to work. He’s dealing with the pandemic, riots in his native country, pressures from his own family overseas, and instead of turning to me for love and support, he turned away.
When he left me he didn’t give me any solid reasons for going. He didn’t express how he felt, other than ‘it’s a lot of things’ and ‘he feels no joy here anymore’. But, at the same time, he said he loved my daughter and I.
Here I am now, two weeks after he moved out, and I feel lost, confused, hurt and alone. He has reached out a couple of times to ‘check in’ which only confused me more and his messages had lost their loving and caring words. Cold almost. So I spoke to him about that. I asked why he was texting. Now he’s gone completely silent but his response was that he is just checking in.
When he left, I also asked ‘is there any hope for the future’? And he couldn’t say yes or no. Just that he didn’t know and couldn’t answer that.
I know he has to dig deep now, stand on his own two feet, man up and find himself again. And when he left me, I said: I love you enough to let you go and find your happiness again. I stand by that today, but has he left the door open? Will he realise what he has done to us and what he has lost and make amends?
I cannot go back to the relationship that was: me bending over backwards to support and communicate and him withdraw even more, but I so long for him to wake up and realise that my daughter and I were the best things in his life. That the answer wasn’t in running away from us, it was to better himself. So if there was any reconciliation, the landscape of a new relationship MUST be vastly different.
Do they come back? Has anyone here lost a loved one knowing full well you’re both still in love? I would love some shared or similar stories. I just can’t make sense of what happened and I dearly want back the man I first met and promised myself to for life.
Hi Louise.
I relate to how you feel right now, and all I can do is try and find real life examples of how this has played out for other people to calm how I feel right now.
My situation is similar in sentiment but different causes. Me and my ex had been together for 4.5 years and we’ve been incredibly happy for all of that time until this year really. He’s been depressed for maybe 1.5 years and I’ve always tried to lift his spirits and make sure I don’t invalidate his feelings in any way. After having lived together for a couple of years we decided to move back to family homes when coronavirus and quarantine came into play as we wanted to buy a house and stop renting so we needed to save money (we started our relationship as a ldr for the first 2.5 years and we mastered it, so we knew it would be ok for a short time).
Things hadn’t been the same since and he became massively withdrawn. He stopped replying to my texts, would never answer a call, and never initiated any contact whatsoever. When he did speak it would be single words, and be very cold and not affectionate. He’d cancel plans to meet at weekends for silly reasons and cancel last minute leaving me feeling so rejected and down about myself. It’s been 10 days since we did meet up for a walk and he broke up with me as he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. We both said how much we love each other and we don’t want a life without each other in it. We both cried a lot, but I accepted what he said and said I truly want him to be happy so he needs to explore whatever that means to him. Despite that and how much I have been and want to be there for him, it’s not enough for him right now. I’m absolutely devastated obviously, and I’m not going to reach out to him unless he initiates first contact.
So I think we might be in a similar situation in terms of wanting so much to be there for that person and working through a hard time to get to the good. But the reality is that it’s not ok for us to be lighting ourselves on fire to keep our partners warm. Idk about you, but my confidence and self worth plummeted so much when he wouldn’t respond to me or make any effort at all. The angle I’m currently taking is that this is not going to be easy, and nothing can be rushed here. I’m trying to go through this like a normal breakup and working on myself and my self worth as I know this breakup isn’t about me deep down. He’s in a really hard place and I feel for him. I’m really hoping my ex gets some support in some way and he finds his way back to me. I cant repeat how it was, as you say, bending over backwards isn’t sustainable.
I too would welcome any advice on this and whether I should be preparing to move on or just grieve the relationship. It is hard when you’re both in love, very compatible, and there hasn’t been anything wrong happen per say to blame.
Ladies,
I’m just 12 days short of my X ending things with me via a phone call after a gift exchange on the 24th last December. Will make for a great holiday this year remembering our ending…sigh. The last year has been the worst of my life and has taken a toll on my health, work performance, personal life and family connections. I feel for the pain you are dealing with.
Anyway, I don’t think there really is any playbook that can be provided when it comes to our side of depression, because what works for one person, rarely works for another. What I can tell you is that for most of the last year I’ve sent my X the occasional text, letter or voice mail. I had picked up on some site that depresson sufferers like to hear from people even if they don’t say it. Some were lighthearted, some were emotional and some shared my frustration that she was stonewalling me. The only response I ever got had nothing to do with anything I’d sent; she was just wishing me well dealing with Covid.
I’ve also met people via a couple forums I follow, and they went completely no contact from the start. Their partners told them to give them space, and they did. Like my X, their X’s have made no attempt to contact them. Which leaves me with the following advice. Our X’s will determine if and when they ever reach out to us again. There really isn’t anything we can do to force it. We can send supportive messages all day long, but it will have little impact. All we can do is decide how long we want to wait and determine if they do come back would we ever be able to love them the same way again. Those are personal decisions to be made by each of us.
Trying to make sense of depression has literally driven me mad. It’s impossible to try to make sense of the illogical. It may not be a fair comparison, but I feel about depression like I do anorexa; diseases of the mind that make no sense and require much more help than whatever love we can provide. I think we all just want that chance to give them a big hug and squeeze away all their pain , and it just doesn’t work that way. We can still love them, support them if they ask but ultimately we can’t put our lives on hold indefinetly waiting for them to get better, especially if they aren’t getting help. Their needs are more than a weekend getaway to recharge the batteries.
Hello Cooper and Char,
Thank you both for reaching out and letting me know that I am not alone in this. I think sometimes that is the most comforting thing. I agree totally with you Cooper, that any reconciliation in the relationship must come from them when they are ready.
In the past two weeks my ex has only reached out with really lighthearted messages, asking how my daughter and I were doing. It was very confusing for me, as I have accepted his decision to leave us and I am trying to just keep myself and my daughter in a ‘good place’, given the gaping hole he has left in our lives. I did call him up and ask what was behind the messages, and he said he was just ‘checking in’. He then TOTALLY withdrew, as if my request for clarity was too much for him.
I ended up telling him (via email) how my daughter was coping, to which I got some very businesslike responses. At that point I decided that I would stop responding to any further messages from him. He knows how we feel, he knows we love him, he knows he is missed, but he left US and so he must do the repair work IF he wants to be in our future.
What I have also found really helpful is looking at ‘attachment styles’. I have recognised my own style and my partners. Through recognising this, I have been able to see and understand more clearly, his need to pull away and leave us even though he said he loves us. When you have time, do look that up… I am happy to shed some more light on it if it interests you.
Thanks again for sharing your stories. We are not alone in this and support is so valuable.
Cooper, if you have a link or could share what forums you are in, that would be great!
Do take care.
Louise,
Many consider your X reaching out a type of push/pull action. Like many aspects of depression, I struggle to make sense of it. My X did similar things and then went silent. I’d get excited my X was starting to right her ship and then get deflated that she would go silent again. If she hadn’t been dealing with depression, I’d think she was intentionally trying to mess with me. Personally, I think it’s the healthy part of their minds fighting its last battle.
One site John references is https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/. Many members of that community have posted here. I also found a lot of interesting entries on Quora, The Mighty and a site that just recently showed up, uncommonforum.com.
Stay strong!
My ex of 3 years left me (we’re 30s), twice, this year saying he needs to get his head right. He started binge drinking 3x a week to not feel feelings and spiraled into suicidal ideations and talking nonsense. Most days, he takes responsibility, saying he is in a fog, depressed from childhood bullying, and lacks communication skills.
Then some days, he blames me. For the guilt he feels for his own actions. When we first met, he lied to me alot and cheated on his ex (with me, i didn’t know). This caused issues between us for a while, and he says I throw it in his face constantly so now i’m part of the reason he is depressed.
He says he loves me, wants to spend his life with me but he can’t add more weight to his shoulders in terms of the expectations from a relationship. He says a good morning or good night text is even too much to ask for. He doesn’t want me to moce on, but knows he can’t ask me to wait.
And me. Well. I’m just fed up. He destroyed our relationship with his lying, drinking and inconsiderate, selfish behaviors. I begged to communicate, go to therapy, work on things properly. I love him to pieces and I feel physically sick over this but I need to get on with my life. I don’t want to. But I have to. How do people cope with this??
Jennie,
As I quickly approach the year anniversary of the last time my X and I actually talked, I can tell you it’s not an easy road. Time and research have been my best healers, but I can’t say I ever really coped. I’ve more just come to accept via lots of research and conversations that my X is forever changed as a person and there is no amount of support or compassion I can offer to get through whatever wall she’s built around herself. In fact, the only way I ever got her attention was telling one of her friends I was worried about her.
Exercise and keeping busy helped me get to a better place, but I can admit I was in a daze for a couple months. You can drive yourself mad trying to make sense of what really is inexplicable. How long you decide to wait is really up to you, and you also need to ask yourself if the relationship would ever be the same again. Depression undoubtedly sucks, but you have to ask yourself if you truly love him enough and have the stamina to potentially deal with his ups and downs for the rest of your life.
I’ve gotten to the point where I just wouldn’t be able to forget her year of silence and how easily she walked away. My research has given me the capacity to easily forgive, but I just don’t think I’d ever be able to look at her again without wondering when she might walk out again.
I am in such a predicament right now. I started dating my bf almost 2 years ago after meeting him 4 yrs before and staying in contact. Everything was amazing at the beginning, it was like a whirlwind romance! After a few months things started to feel weird and i found out that he was married with two children and still living with her. He had told me he was separated and living with parents prior to this.
The relationship took a turn for the worst and throughout the whole of the first year we were on and off and he didnt really know what he wanted. It was the most difficult time of my life. He told me his marriage was an unhappy one. He had never loved his wife and felt trapped. He told me he needed me on his life and to stick by him. He mentioned a divorce several times but i never saw any real proof.
The start of this year he decided to leave the family home for good and move in with me. It was very difficult again at the start as he missed his children. Things were good but there was external pressure from his wife and my family. He ended up leaving and coming back to me 3 times this year because he said he couldnt handle it and that i couldnt either. In Sept he finally decided he was coming for good. I pushed him to show me proof of the divorce and he did – by email.
I agreed to let him back and we have been happy for a few months. He left again less than a week ago as he said he was struggling to cope, he said he felt like a timebomb and he didnt want to be here when he went off. He said he feels extremely unstable and suicidal and he needs some space from me to get himself sorted. Since he has been gone ive found out that he has lied to me about the divorce. He had purposely sent the emails to the wrong email address and deleted the bounceback emails. He has been gone for less than 4days and has spent money on presents for his boys and a bracelet for her. Hes even been looking at booking a family trip away and sorting home improvements. Is this all down to behavioural issues caused by depression? A way of hitting back? Guilt ridden? Or am i being a complete idiot and letting him take me for a ride? I love him so so much, he was like a dad to my daughter and im struggling to come to the realisation hes done this to me. I thought this time it would last. He of course made it out to be me who was the reason he left. Because i couldnt trust him and was struggling with the constant anxiety that he was going to leave again. Ive never felt betrayal or pain like it.
You’re surprised a guy who lied to you at the start and was living a lie betrayed you? You knowingly became the other woman along the way? He may have depression, but I hope you takea good long look in the mirror.
Hey 👋 im another anonymous but I will give you the truth. Ive been diligently replying here for a couple of post now~ bare with my straightforwardness.
He might be depress but he is coping in a wrong way by having relationship with you. Top it with anxiety and insecurity he had, he cannot be left alone lonely so he found you and now it feels different for him. Loneliness is eased but just reminder, its a momentarily happiness, the thoughts about his problem will surface because he hasnt really solve it.
He definitely has resentment over his relationship but it doesnt mean he is over her emotionally and mentally. He might be in a dilemma now, leaving his family totally or keep the flame with you. The feelings and attention you gave him brought back the things he wanted from his wife (love and attention) but he cannot just leave because of the kids. He still care about the family for him to show it by buying stuff for them and planning trips. He isnt really over her completely.
Now lets bring back the attention to you,
yes, it is a let down but your case is more likely a rebound. You are attached to him so deeply. I feel your pain and sense of betrayal~ I was there~ your case was similar to mine. I believed every words he said to me and I trusted him deeply.
Just a suggestion, i know you have taken him back few times and forgave him before but let him go.
He is not emotionally and mentally prepared for a new healthy relationship. If you keep doing that, the pain you felt will be more horrible than the pain you felt the first time.
Go no contact and let him solve his issues properly with his wife. He needs to make up his mind properly. He needed time to heal and grieve his relationship if ever he breaks up with her and decide to leave completely. As for you, make your boundaries clear, do some self growth. Going no contact help clear your mind and see how your relationship objectively.
I’m not convinced of his authenticity. Go no contact, work on yourself and if he reaches out for you call the shots. You shouldn’t have induced anxiety because he can’t make up his mind.
Reading these replies have been a comfort to me during this time, I feel less alone. My ex girlfriend and I met online in March, right when lockdown began. Since then we have talked everyday non stop. We live almost 2 hours away, and with our crazy schedules we were long distance, but still found time to text all day. I know she deals with a lot of trauma that she briefly would talk about, but I wouldn’t pry. I wanted her to feel comfortable opening up to me. Our relationship was pretty great. No arguments ever, we always had the best time together. A little after one month officially into our relationship she broke up with me and I was so confused. She said she was afraid because she never did long distance before. I didn’t talk to her after that, I was so hurt. She texted me a few days later and said she made a mistake. I forgave her immediately because I understand her fear, it was new for the both of us. Things were amazing after that. A few weeks ago she expressed to me how stressed she was. We hung out and I made her a little “de-stress” package. That night she told me she loved me for the first time, neither of us had said those big words yet. Not even a month later she started therapy. I was so happy for her for taking this big step. After her first session she sent me a long message saying how therapy will be good for her and how it will help her accept my care and love because she really wants to. She always told me that I was the best thing to happen to her in a long long time. This past Thursday she had a really bad day. I tried my best to comfort her, but its hard since I cant physically be there for her. She expressed to me about possibly being depressed and how she feels emotionless and how it’s not my fault. I sent her so many words of love and affirmation. The next day she barely texted me, only to wish me a good day in the morning. That night she only texted a second time to ask to facetime and I knew what was coming. She was crying and kept apologizing, saying that she cant be in a romantic relationship but that she loves me. I wish I remembered more of our conversation, I was trying not to cry and be strong for her. It has been 3 days since she ended things and I still have not heard a word from her. She deleted all of our pictures off of social media. I am a mess. All I want to do is text her, call her, make sure she’s okay. I don’t know what to do. I am willing to give her space and time, even if it hurts me. I just don’t want her to think that I’m upset at her. I want her to know that I wont give up on her.
Your experience certainly mirrors many of those who post here and other places. My X also ended things they way yours did and was crying the entire time. It just makes it that much harder to understand.
Trust me when I say this, give her space. I pushed too hard and doubt I’ll ever hear from her again. Just send her a little note letting her know you’re available for her whenever she needs you, and then leave it at that. Give it a couple months, and then try again. Give her time to and space to right her ship.
Be prepared, this may well be one of the toughest times of your life. Read all you can on depression, so you understand what is going on with her and why she wants space. Don’t fight the lessons shared by others. Give her the space she needs more than wants. I said this to someone else. Think about her going into rehab for a month to rewire herself.
Thank you for your words Cooper, I really appreciate them during this time. I am preparing to give her all the space and time she needs, even though it’s really killing me. There’s not a second that goes by that I’m not thinking of her, wondering if she’s okay.
I do want to send her just one last little message/note like you said, since I feel like I didn’t get to say much when she ended things. I just told her it was okay and I didn’t want to fight her decision or disrespect her. I just don’t know if I should send her a message right away? Should I give it a week? Should I text her, or write a letter, maybe send her flowers? I don’t want want to seem needy and selfish. I just need her to know that I am not mad at her for putting herself first, I’m proud of her for seeking out help. I want her to know that I am here for her always and that I’m not giving up on her. Her not texting me is making me wonder if it’s really over for good?… She didn’t make it seem like she would disappear like this. But then she deleted our pictures from social media and I feel like she hates me. It sounds selfish, but I feel like its my fault. I need answers.
Today has been the hardest day so far. I cant stop thinking about how much love our relationship had. I don’t understand how she can get rid of the one thing that brought love into her life. In our messages she’d always tell me how thankful she is for me, how I’m the best thing in her life, how she loves me. I feel so alone now, so lost without her. I just miss talking to her, it doesn’t have to be romantic. I cant help but wonder if she still loves me, or if that love is gone too. I don’t think I will ever stop loving her, that’s the most painful part.
No contact is the safest way. You got to respect how she feels. You might feel very down but I’d imagine her pain is many times that of yours. If she wants to reach out that’s her choice but is much more likely when you keep your distance.
If you read around this website and around the subject of depression and related conditions you will learn how your mindsets are different. You can only offer support when she wants to get it.
Focus on yourself and make you happy with things that are going on in your life. Practice self love and learn that we can’t fix others but we can always work on ourselves!!!
Like i would say to everyone here, respect her decision to be alone and give her space. When i say space? Go no contact indefinitely. But before you do that let her know “Hey, I love you and I care for you so i will respect your decisions and what you think is right for the time being, your happiness matters to me. If you need anything and if you are ready, do not hesitate to give me a call. Take care”. After that, never ever initiate any form of contact unless she contacts you first. It gives her the power that she can be in control of her self and that her decision was right. Do not make her feel burden about your feelings. The more youshow your love and affirmation the more she will feel burden and not contact you. Her mind isnt ready to recieve all those feelings, it will burden her. Her mind is wired differently when she is depress,your feelings might be encouraging but for her it is not, it is actually a burden because she will feel that she cannot reciprocate your feelings while she is being like this. Now dont feel upset or anything when I say it feels like a burden to her, it is just how it is for them at the mean time. They want to be in a position of positivity to receive love and when theyre negative it will repel all of this because they think they are not worthy of such feelings.
It is time for the both of you to have spaceand work on yourself and let her work on her self. She is capable of doing self healing with the help of professional. You have to stay in control and not contact her when shes ready to contact you. When she does contact you, keep it light and simple. Be there as a friend for her and then progress again when she ready.
Hi all,
So here’s what i’m currently going through. we broke up 2 days ago because she said that it wasn’t me or anything that caused it. she mainly wanted to break up because she wanted to work on herself. That and even tho we were dating since july 26th until 2 days ago. she said she felt like she wasn’t stable enough to be in a relationship with me. but here’s the kicker to that
After a few minutes we kept talking about it all and she doesn’t want me to stop talking to her and wants me to be there for her as a best friend like how we both were before we started dated. she keeps reassuring and telling me that she loves me and that’s the one thing she’ll never forget for/with me. she does plan on getting back together with me soon in the future. she just wants i guess that space to work on herself
My concern is that even tho she doesn’t want me to stop talking to her. we’ve been through damn near alot problems and issues that didn’t have to deal with me. with the amount of time we dated. we’ve been through a ton. more then what i think a normal couple would go through i think.
one of the biggest problem was me helping her not only getting over her toxic ex boyfriend but her trying to block him all over in general so he could stop contacting her. Now i’m not the type of guy to force her to do that action. i’m more of the type to paint the bigger picture and let her make the decision on her own. Because i felt like if i forced her it would push her away from me. now she did this on her own a month ago after working with her on it. The concern to me is that now she’s following him on instagram again, prolly added him back on snapchat again and added him back as a friend on facebook. now i know from one of the phone calls that yeah he did have a drinking problem and made pyscho phone calls to her while he was drunk and now i heard he’s doing better. the other part is that she was pregnant with his kid a few days after we started dating. she made a phone call to let him know and they both agreed that she’ll go to the abortion building just because she wasn’t in that right mind of state to have a child at the time. a week or 2 later he went crazy and flew from georgia to california just to check up on her to make sure she was okay. she didn’t want that but dealt with it because she couldn’t do anything about him flying to her.
My question is since she doesn’t want me to not stop talking to her. do i keep fighting for her as far as winning her back soon in the future? or do i still be there as a best friend for her letting her know that she’s not alone and i’m there to support her since her ex never did when she needed him the most.
She has a lot of things to work on herself. You arent in a healthy relationship at all but since you believe that it could be work on, you think the relationship can be save and become healthy. I believe it will be a long way for it to happen. She definitely still has attachment issues with her ex and plus problem with her personal life. I can see that you become her emotional baggage holder and it helps her in someways to distract some of it because you are helping ease her thoughts and support in some level.
Regarding your question, i do believe you are a great guy in general but i would advice to open your horizon and meet other people for potential healthy relationship. She is not in a position to be in a relationship at all if you continue waiting, the cycle of problem will still be there unless she her self move forward to resolve this.Your support will be a great help to her but support in a way she will actively move for the better and not look back. I suggest also that you should not be too involve with her problem,i know im being unempathetic,ive been in your position as well, i was helping out my close friend to the point that her problem is now my problem. I shared the stress which wasnt there and should not be there. I know that its fullfilling that you are able to help but in long term the stress will build up no matter how considerate, patience, loving and a good person you are.
I had to separate myself to her because she was becoming more dependant on my help and other stuff. How much support and advice i have given, she will listen but not actually move forward, she was in the same place still. I believe she just want sympathy for her problem. The more I helped herthe more she made me feel guilty of unable to get involved. I suffered for something she can solve her self. I now believe that going as far as helping someone, it should be in a wAy that this person will move on her own, think on her own, comes up on a solution on her own. The only job you had to do is to listen and not get involve and help her like she doesnt have hands and feet to use.
Lessoned learn? She is capable of moving forward and solving her own problem. Listen to her problem and not act overly involve into it, they can work on it if they want to. If youget too involved, they become dependant and lazy.
Relationship wise? She said she wanter space. Go no contact
I dont thinkit is right that you wait for her, she should feel the lost of that significant person in her life and reAlise it. You being there as a friend will not move your relaironship romantically even further. For her to have space but still want to contact you and tell you that she probably want to get bAck with you in the future is telling you that “if things doesnt work out with the other person,i will come back to you”. You arent the second option and you dont want to be a second option. I believe she has still some attachment isssue with her ex and it is evident. Either listen to Craig Kenneth or Coach Lee in youtube. I would clear up things and do the right choice if you wanted her romanticallty
My ex loves me deeply but since two three months he has been saying that he doesn’t want relationship but I convinced him to stay that I will be there and not do anything bad and help him but recently things got out of control when he made his mind completely and no matter what I am saying it is pushing him more away and he did this all through msgs as have met just once in 8 months and he doesn’t even say things like this on calls because I know he can’t hurt me like this on call and he is not meeting me even just for once, we have been together for 2 years and I know he is doing this because he is depressed he is saying things like if I want good for him I should leave him, but the thing is that he still has feelings for me that is why my actions are still bother him and he gets jealous but he is just pushing me away somehow. I don’t want to leave him alone I have begged to stay with him and begged him to atleast meet me but he is not listening to me, infact because of this he has started saying things like I regret being with you and I know he is doing this all to hurt me so that I don’t contact him. But the thing is that I don’t want to leave him alone because I love him and maybe not right now but he loved me too and he is a great person and I don’t want to leave him alone in such times. What should I do to make him stay, I know he wants me too but he is just letting me go because he thinks it is good for me, please help me get him back I have never loved someone this way and he has always made promises to never leave me and I can’t see him in pain and leave him alone I want to be with him forever. What should I do to get him back, I am thinking of not contacting him for few weeks to that he sorts his mind or any other way I could make things work out please suggest
I can sense the anxiety and insecurity in you, i feel your pain and confusion. It is natural, I have been there. Right now, fixing things for him, pushing your self to him, messaging or texting him out of concern is not going to bring him back, it will not and so mang people have done it and it will just push them away even further. Giving him the space, respecting his choice, listening on what he wanted will go along way in your relationship. Space let him have his own time, peace of mind, be with himself without thinking about you or other stuff, dont take this as harsh advice, they needed it. Bombard him with your presence, it will make him feel smothered and resent this feelings. Respect his choice, listen to what he had to say, if he says “i needed time on my own, i dont know when I will come back,lets have a break”. Respect and honor it, thats what he wanted for awhile, it is not because he doesnt love you, thats what they feel right now and thats their priority at that time. Right now, you need to let go of him and honour it, while you are in no contact, do some self growth. Work on yourself while waiting. I know it will be hard, trust me, ive been there and still am. Listen to your self and listen to him, I know right now, you act out because you are anxious and this anxiousness brings out your insecurities in this relationship. This insecurity will want you to fix the relationship so it can go back to the way it is. Believe me, been there, done that, all of the wrong things, ive done it. You just need to have long patience, he will walk away for awhile to fight himself and figure things out. He wont be back if you are always there letting him see that you feel helpless and concern, theyll get hurt even more and walk away from you even more, be strong! I know its hard. Be strong because its tough when they do this. Love is tough, be resilient!
You mean to say that I should let him go and not wait for him to come back?
I really want him back should I wait sometime and approach him as a friend so that he misses me and let me in his life because I know he loves me even now.
Yes, let him go and go no contact. Let him have his space.
I think you are extremely anxious now, I can sense that you dont want to leave him alone because you are scared that he will go away and forget about you. I’ll tell you a fact if you are about to do what you want to do like being a friend to him, keep talking to him because you dont want to lose your connection with him, these have been done by many and all resulted to more heartache and pain for both of you. If you want him to miss you, that is the wrong way to do things because what you are going to do is smother him with your presence. Right now you cannot accept my advice but if you dont, the things im going to say will happen. He will decide to pull away even more, not reply to you and decide to end things even if you like it or not. I will be a bit harsh so that you can see the realisation because you are extremely anxious and you are going to do the same mistake that everyone did before. Please read anxious attachment style and depression relationship together, Find Craig Kenneth in youtube. I hope it helps so that you can save the relationship.
I found Craig Kenneth on YouTube and saw his video but it can’t really help my case, neither can I afford the therapy session with him, and I was thinking about my problem and I realized that maybe he is doing this because he once said I am a baggage for him and he doesn’t want to get married early and he can’t be there for me so maybe he is pushing me away today so that it is less painful instead of doing it tomorrow when it will be more, because he says he can’t be there for anyone but it is Alsl because he is depressed. I am very restless I can’t sleep I can’t eat, I wake up and feel so depressed my pain has not eased even one percent since he has left me. What should I do to convince him because my mind and body is not accepting this
Hey Derthy, I cannot find the reply button so I will reply here.
You dont need to do a therapy session with Craig, just watch the video once a day or how many times you want. Just listen to the stories he does an example because it resonates to all of us suffering with break up/space/ break with an attachment styles.
I totally understand what you are going through. I have been there, I have been in your position. I was a total mess and also depress. When I was extremely anxious, I tried my best to keep the relationship, contacting him daily, making sure everything was okay but despite all of the effort and care, it didnt work. If his mind started pulling away, he has already decided and it wont change. You cannot convince him to stay and that is the reality of it. The more you are trying to fix it or convince him, the more he will push you away and not come back to you. Do not come to the point where he will resent you and block you.
All I can advice to you is, let him go. Respect his decision to be alone. Like I always say, it is hard thing to do but you have to do it. If you love him that much, let him go. Do not suffocate him with it. If he will return, he will but right now he has spoken his needs and he told you he cannot be in a relationship anymore. His well being is more important right now and it is his priority. Relationship to him is not his main priority therefore he has decided to let go.
My advice for you is to let your emotion out, cry as much as you want, take more time for your self to process this feelings. Talk to someone about your heartache (family or friends). See friends and socialise and distract your self from thinking about it. It will take awhile but you can do it.
You are not alone in this situation, I have been there, everyone on this comment thread has gone through the same experience as you. It is hard to let go such relationship you put value, time, love, trust and all of the things you invest in this relationship.
my previous ex who had depression cut me off in his life, painful as it is, I had to be strong and get up each day with the pain it caused me. I did what I can for our relationship but he still left me. I didnt contact him since we broke up, I respected his decision even though it hurts so much. I tried everything to distract my thoughts. Three months after NOT contacting him, he contacted me. He wants me back and that he miss me so much. It took that long for them to contact me but it was worth it. Just dont bother them and leave him alone, he will come around. If he did not, he has deeper wounds to heal.
Hello there Anonymous and Derthy !
I am going through a very, very similar problem as Derthy. I won’t get into length about my past, but through experience and research , yes, every single thing Anonymous has said and/or suggested is absolutely true and pretty close to expert advice. It’s really hard when your the one that’s going through the relationship to see clearly, but that’s why it helps to get neutral opinions and thoughts.
I absolutely can’t believe this is happening! We have had a fun, relaxed and amazing relationship for almost 2 years with no bumps… until now. Yes I new he was battling depression off and on ( I myself take many scripts to keep my depression balanced)…. but never thought he would end our relationship due to it. He said, he needs to learn how to love himself, find some kind of will and purpose. I know this is true, he’s self medicating with fast food, always tired and just does enough what he needs to do …. like work. In saying that, it has become more noticeable, but I can’t understand him wanting to be alone. I thought he loves me. It makes me question that because if I loved someone, I can’t see letting them go! I know everyone is different and when I was at my low… it would of made things worse to push my loved ones away.
I know he’s telling the truth, but I still can’t grasp why he would through our relationship away because of some time he needs alone. I am respecting that, and I have learned no contact is the best. He knows I love him, so if he ever wants to…. he’ll reach out to me. All I keep saying all day, is “ I can’t believe this is happening “!
Hey Valerie, thank for vouching on what I comment here, i tried to be as neutral and comforting as possible but it is hard to mask it in good words. Everyone is going through the same pain but in different level. Therefore healing is different for everyone as well. The more attached you are to that person, the deeper your wounds need to heal.
Yes it is true for everyone, if you love someone, you want the best for them and letting go is the last thing you can do for the relationship.
Until now, i cant believe why it happened to me but after no contact, my mind cleared up and I started working on myself.
I believed that our relationship was great and everything we had was true. When he said that he needed to work on himself and his life, I did refused to accept and leave our relationship but later on, i was soffucating him more for not respecting his needs and growth. It caused both of us pain that we shouldnt feel from the beginning if I accepted his reasoning to leave.
Now both of us arent in contact, i still miss him but life must move forward.
Hi both
Actually I stopped talking to him last week and before trying to solve Everytime for one last time, I told him how much I loved him and asked him what is the real reason because apparently the more we were discussing this his reasons kept on changing then I sent him one last msg of how I feel, then he said that he is sorry but he can be friends but nothing more than that he said if you want to meet one last time you can now but that is it, I felt so bad after that msg I had a huge outburst seeing the person I love the most talking to me about our last meeting then I didn’t reply because I thought he is not going to change his decision but seeing him is just going to break me even more badly, then he msg me after that for something which wasn’t even relevant, I felt that as he is feeling bad but I know if I’ll ask him he will deny, but I have decided to go no contact, I miss him every moment and it hurts really bad but I can’t be just friends with somone I love, first I thought maybe I’ll convince him by being frnds but that is highly unlikely
Hi Derthy, im with you… i know how hard it for you and for him. No contact is the right way and I am proud of you for stepping forward for yourself. I know I have been too forward with my words but I have no other way of giving this advice.Although his reasoning changes,it has the same meaning, he wants to be alone.
If he asked friendship with you, it is up to you if you want to be friends but it will be hard to move on from the pain and you will be stuck with it without progress for yourself since your energy will be consumed from the concern of his well being.
If he contact you, it is alright to reply as long as he started the conversation first. I would advice not to initiate conversation because youll be put in the position of anxiety if he doesnt reply.
Take care of yourself first and do some self healing and growth. Be a ray of light for him by taking care of your well being because this changes will noticed by him and might also make him feel motivated to move on his own.
Yes anonymous, I realized that if I will contact with him I will never recover from this ever, and if he needs me he can always msg me even though I will msg him he will be there for me but is not right as I literally begged and pleaded for him to stay but he didn’t so he does know that I need him in my life so if wants to be there he can simply approach me and if not, if his ego comes in between then there is no point of me trying
Hi,
This thread has been really helpful to me. Even though it’s just been a month since my ex boyfriend broke up with me due to his depression, I am still hurt and deoressed and trying my best to do no contact. Thank you Anonymous and Derthy. Somehow I felt like someone really understands what I’m going thru with no judgment.
Is it okay to ask my ex out? I just want to meet him because I miss him. I’ve asked him before also but he said he’s busy. Should I ask him one last time? Am I giving away too much self respect?!
Please help!
Assuming you are talking about a X going through depression, I would not. He will reach out to you if and when he wants to talk. The stonewalling component of depression is what hurt me the most. I think depression just changes the person for whom we cared into someone we’d now find unloveable.
If your ex ask for his space, it would be best to lean back and not ask him out. Let him contact you when he is ready to meet. We understand that you miss him, we all do but right now he might prefer to be by himself. Ive done that, asked him out many times but the more i ask the more he reject, find excuse, and pull away from me. You need to respect if he needed space instead of catering to your needs to see him.
Hi everyone.
I have been reading most of the comments and stories that you all shared here and I am glad I was able to stumble on this site/forum for better understanding of my situation.
I find comfort on the stories that has been shared despite that it was in different timeline, it has similar sentiments that everyone can relate. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness on the situation really made my heart felt shaken to the core. I have searched through every videos/blogs/forums that enable me to understand where his feelings were coming from but still not able to satisfy and calmed until I was able to find this website. I see the signs that he was depress triggered by stress. He was avoidant type and he caved in. He deals problem by himself.
I want to share my story to provide solace to anyone who is reading it.
Here it goes… (sorry English isn’t my first language)
My BF and I were in a relationship for one year, everything felt amazing and the relationship was something we both wanted. We shared the same goals, values, and plans and our relationship was full of happiness, respect, honesty and we have open communication. We’ve never had argument that lasted more than a day. We had few misunderstanding but it didn’t hinder our relationship at all. We were comfortable with each other which allowed us to act silly and have crazy moments. Everything was great for 6 months until covid restrictions was placed and our time together gradually reduced. His workplace has also picked up lots of work and required him to have at least 12 hrs every shift. The shift work wrecked his sleeping pattern so bad and unable to let him sleep properly. The only rest day he had was weekends which he cant relax due to child arrangements. He wants to sleep and do nothing and just be at home if his kids aren’t visiting at his place.
Since July, I felt something has change, he started making excuses not to see me and bails out on the day we are going to meet. It happened frequently during that month. I thought it was unusual behaviour of him. I have a tendency to overthink but I dismiss it as him wanting more rest for himself which is understandable due to his crazy job.
August, He got sick with signs and symptoms of covid but it was only a common colds and flu. It wrecked him completely because he didn’t recover quickly like he used to. I suspect he has been stress because of his shift, role at work, and interacting with hard headed team members. I have been reminding him constantly to take care of himself because I am unable to take care of him due to my job that requires me to have direct contact with vulnerable people and disabled.
He was alone, sick, stressed, dealing with everything on his own. I do want take care of him but we leave in a separate house which is unfortunate. It made me feel helpless that the person I wanted to take care is on his own. I knew he would be considerate of me too because of my job and will not seek out my comfort. During this month, I have reached my breaking point, I questioned his feelings for me because I felt unloved an cared for. This side of me has added stress over him which he didn’t need at that time. My neediness has caught up with me. I admit, I have become weak and selfish emotionally because my needs hasnt been met for awhile. It lead me to become anxious and worried about our relationship. We had an honest conversation on what’s going on, He has been feeling unwell, overly stressed and need time to himself. For a while, he has become afraid, confused and dont know what to do. I asked him why but he doesnt know, he has been feeling and thinking that way since the doctor’s visit. He felt that he needed to find himself and needed space to do it. This conversation has given me anxiety because of my past trauma. It got me thinking if its “over” and selfishly told him I didnt like the idea of giving him space. I wanted to know how I can help and stop this from happening. He hated the idea of space too but he badly needed it. Our conversation has gotten nowhere because of my anxiety and giving space was postponed. After that we continued normally. Messaging and checking on each other.
Early September, our conversation was still normal but I know within myself, I was being selfish because I was catering my needs instead of his. Gradually as day goes by, I felt the distance growing and the conversation has just been me initiating and him replying. His life circumstances piled up tremendously one after another. It has cost him to cave in more and more. He realised that he needed to be there for the kids and deal with it for now and then to find himself after. But how can he find himself if he distract himself with work and video games?. I felt that he would try to wore himself out until he cant think no more. This scares me the most. He planned to pack up and go back to his hometown if things doesn’t go well. He felt he will collapse due to stress. Everything is spiralling out of control for him. At this point, I was so scared for him and his well being mattered to me.
Although its my first time giving space, my heart was shaking, I cant eat properly, think properly and just wasting my time worrying. I realised that if I continue to be selfish he will breakdown. I gradually gave him his time to himself in mid September. I want him to get better and calm. His mind, body, emotion is exhausted. He is sad and hurt because I felt hurt. I love him so I finally was able to let go and give him the space he needed. We have been in no contact since Oct. 1 and 2 weeks after I have messaged him that I was thinking of him and if he needed me, I will be there. He has not respond to my message and it made me feel lost and worried. I think of him every single day.
I dont want him to get depressed more than he should have. I want to add value to his happiness and not his sadness. I miss him soooooooo much and I cant backdown now and become needy while he deals with himself. I know I have to work on myself as well and little by little move on and heal. I cannot set my expectation and hopes since I dont know if giving space or having a break on our relationship will keep us together or not. I know that my feelings for him is deeper and strong and his feelings for me is the same. We both feel that we are important to each others life but right now, focusing on his life is better than staying together just for the sake of relationship. I love him enough to let go so he can love himself. I wanted him to be full of happiness and love and ready for what ever life throws at him. I’m sure he can. He is strong and has faced so much adversity that it let him stand strong through out his life.
I got the chance to see all of him in one year. although I want to see more, now is not the time.
I wish him well and hope that in the future we cross each other again and create another chapter of me and him. I know it was for the best of us. I hope our feelings will still be the same when we see each other. I dont feel hurt of what happen now, I feel more loving and understanding.
Please don’t feel selfish. You were in a loving relationship that went awry for illogical reasons. That is part of the pain and mystery of depression. It truly is a paradox…a partner is hurting and wants nothing to do with his/her loved one. It’s maddening.
But, never ever blame yourself. It’s not fair to you. And, don’t blame him. He’s dealing with a horrible disease of which even he cannot make sense. You’ve done what you can, but it’s now up to him to fight things.
My selfishness came from neediness, I realised a couple of weeks ago when i tried to understand him and myself that I was not able to control myself because I am anxious. I let him go once I saw the light of my behaviour and what he is going through. I feel only loving energy and growth of my individuality. I feel secure to let him go and let him deal with it. Yes I do blame myself for what contributes to his depression, I never blamed him for wanting to figure himself out. I totally respect his decisions and needs. Its just sad that we cannot be a team to fight it.
It’s great reading things like this and seeing that people go through excactly the same cycles as you dance the dance with the depressed anxiety driven SO.
My story started in January 2020. We met over a coffee and It felt so comfortable and I warmed to her straight away. Her parent’sbumped into us on the first date (that seemed and still are lovely) and after 3 hours or so we parted ways and we both seemed keen to meet again. My only real hang up was that at the age of 35 she had moved back to her parents house, but I was told it was only a temporary arrangement as she had a career change. Several weeks past and i was welcomed into family etc and things felt really good. I had introduced to some of my friends and visa versa and I was content and felt happy with things. I was also the first serious bf to be introduced to family so I thought this is really big for both of us. Things were looking good in 2020!!
Along came my birthday in March and that was first time we had a disagreement and it was on my
birthday itself. She was working and came to see me late and I was always under the assumption that she making it was a flying visit. After she left I received a text that stated I was always tired and not interested. I Thought that was a massive over reaction and I stated that this wasn’t the case. Anyway that kind of stuck with me as a small flag I didn’t quite get to the bottom of. Anyway time
moved on and we spent a weekend away in the weekend before lockdown and things all seem ok.
Then lockdown happened we spent every day facetiming etc to stay in touch and gradually as restrictions eased we could do things, but I felt things were not totally right had a gut feeling that everythingwas not ok as we would often go for walks places and if we took a break she would sit there and look distance and the look in her eyeswere sad. Often after the event I would check in and ask have you enjoyed todayetc. And always got a positive response.
Then her pet cat died and that was a big deal for her as it been part of her life for a long time and then i saw more episodes of outwardly showing negative emotion, but i understood as it’s like a family loss.
Then work picked up again for her in her new career, but it involved a lot of travelling and this meant our time together and plans over summer had to change and although in my opinion everything seemed ok on the outside you could see her stress levels being pushed. She was not making much money and she was starting to have serious doubts about making it in this new career path. When we did have free time we generally spent it together.
Then i got the next outburst about me not being interested in her again and it’s really sad to hear that whenshe had been the forefront of my thoughts most days. things were said via text and i picked up on things she wasn’t happy with so i put changes in places. But it was tricky as the more she worked the lessI could involve her in my plans. Also I started to notice inconsistencies. Things that were bothering her about me started happening with her and when I pointed them out I got no response? I was very confused but could see things were not right. I was worrying about her, but still couldn’t make sense of it.
Then Bizarre things started happening like on a weekend away i planned as we unpacked in a room I had card written out telling her thanks for coming and how she makes me happy etc. Sadly as she arrived she then decided to tell me about one night stand she had drunk. She apologised for saying that, but these little inappropriate things kept happening and it was taking it’s toll on me and probably making mestep back from things and question if she loved me, but I was equally confused as she kept pushing the idea of marriage and kids between us… which didn’t align with any of our discussions at start of relationship. I felt that she was trying to take the relationship at 100mph and i’m over here at a reasonable pace and accepting we are evolving as a couple.
Then august / septmeber time I then learnt the extent of her depression and anxiety and how she talked of considering taking her life about 4-5 years ago. I was shocked, but it seemed to me that she hadn’t own this condition and as far i know had not had any outside help with counselling and medication. You could start to see the pattern of behaviour always running away either by travelling at a young age then jumping into different professions and then the lack of any stable relationships in past. And some of the guys she got involved with just sounded very inconsistent with what she was wanting from me. It’s as though she was falling in love day 1 but then wondering why they are not interested by week 2. Even worse is some of the guys had done bad things with her and even made me feel uncomfortable.
We planned to go away for a week in October. This was a big thing for her. She never been away with a boyfriend before and i was by far the longestbf at the age of 35. Although we had a good time things never seemed fully ok and I was getting concerned. So my thought process was lets see this holiday out and talk about it when we get back. On way back she wouldn’t touch me… and her communication became distance and i finally got a text off her to say we are two different
and she basically said I think we can’t carry on. Iwas emotionally drained from the holiday and Texts were exchanged and she wanted to end and not see me again. After 9 months
i asked to see her as I thought i was owed that, but I aplologised for
delgitimising her feelings and said it wasn’t ok. At that point she
said that she appreciated that.
She give me maybe 20 minutes inperson and that was it. It was like she was adifferent person. Although at this point I was deeply upset everything sort of made sense. She wasn’t well and her reaction was the give away.
Things came out that weren’t even true about me and I but had seen me in negative light without even asking me. When I clarified with her serveral times at how without asking me you have created a picutre of me that just isn’t true and I can’t be blamed for that. She aplogised, but even I accepted all this is far too late. You accept what it is and by the end of it you put the pieces of puzzle togther. My rational and anylitical side of me made sense of what it was and how it very difficult to have a stable and loving relationship with this person unless they work on there underlying condition.
On the whole there wasso little disagreement between us and we bonded well got on like great
friends and I focused more on that that the little things that didn’tseem like a big issue to me. Obviously the negativity towards me washeavily building up and I just didn’t see it. My needs were not being met and the silly things being said were never from someone I consider who loved me. Although Ironically the one thing we both wanted to hear in person was a meaningful “I love you”. And neither party could say it as we both feared the same thing…. that the other person didn’t love.
My only take from this is say it. SAY it say it. They are small words but these gestures i feel can comfort both partners and make them more grounded in the relationship and Believe there is. At least if it’s not reciprocaited then you know that the other person may not be into you.
I will work on myself and currently I’m a week and half no contact. I’ve opened up for the first time about this relationship to people who are close to me and this is something I haven’t done in years. This is something i’m proud of and I’m hoping its the beginning of something better for me. We all get lost in this text and social media world and the vocal world is just as important. I know that my vocal communication about feelings is not my strong point and I feel i have so much t love to give.. I love the feeling of being in love and have been there before and for me now it’s ever so important to fix the little things in me. For her I have the utmost compassion for her as she is dealing with such a complex thing that must be 1000 times harder than what I’m dealing with. It doesn’t mean I’m not hurting but I feel i’ve matured as an individual to see that she has so much to work on and to own this condition as currently it’s manifesting to a place of real harm to herself and the people that love her most. Will we ever be anything again? who knows? But i hope to take the positives and deal with the negatives in mature and collective way.
Please ask away or comment as it’s great to hear feedback.
James
my partner is depressed and he left me. He said that he could not overcome the problem we had in the past before his depression and it was about him. He also said that he could not feel a romantic about me. He said he loved me when we together, but he couldn’t feel when he got home. we were friends before. That’s why he said he hoped to be friends with me again. He said that I should not help him in this situation and he wanted to overcome his own problem. how can I help him?
Its best if you lean back and respect his decision. I have been through it, if you push him even more, he will pull back. Understanding, communication and listening is the key, in my situation, my anxious attachment has gotten into me that I let my neediness run infront of me. I did not listen to his needs and forgot that his time alone isnt because of the relationship but about himself. You arent alone in this helpless situation when the guy is pulling away and caving in. They have different ways to deal with stress and problem. Just give him the space he needed, let him figure out on his own and ask for time frame. if there is no time frame or he doesnt know when, tell him ” take as much time as you needed and you trust him that he can figure things out, I hope than we you feel better, I am one message or call away if you need me”. This way, he wont feel guilty of leaving you to find himself. The more you are understanding about his needs and has secure attachment with him, he will likely come back. Do not be needy like me, it was a mistake I made. Do not contact him frequently and disturb his silence. It will not give him time to think for himself, he will end up thinking of you and stress out even more. Now is not the time for your relationship but a time for self growth, while he find himself and recover from depression, do something for your self.
What do you think if it’s a similar situation but he’s on dating apps again?
He told me he needs time and doesn’t know how long but maybe we’ll be better together after some time, or maybe we won’t reconnect at all. It hurt so so much to hear that, but he is hurting so much himself and says he’s lost and doesn’t know anything anymore. After much distress and neediness on my part (I feel the same as you that I added to his stress and feel so guilty and regretful) I eventually left him as I wasn’t getting what I needed from him. Before I ended it we were in a kind of limbo for a few weeks where he had said he doesn’t know how he feels about us and wouldn’t tell me he wanted it to work when I pressed him. He cares a lot and was so sad, devastated even, that he was hurting me but couldn’t give me the words I wanted, he didn’t break up with me but he wasn’t fully there either.
This all started after one fight that led to us discussing our relationship and future and started him feeling that our futures might not align. My standpoint was that things would work themselves out in the future as long as we wanted to be together, and that I would prioritise him and our relationship and always be flexible on things in the future and we would find a way together. He was not so sure. This snowballed over a few days and turned into him being sure about me too. I think everything just got so messy and he wasn’t able to cope (dealing with his own depression rearing it’s head, a huge bereavement, and also lockdown anxiety… Too much, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through, I worry about him so much)
So that what should have been a bump in the road for us, easily manouvred, became somehow doom for our relationship.
He started shutting me out and even acting cold at times which was awfully unlike him. I tried being there for him and patient. I tried to figure out how to make things any easier for him.
but I was also so anxious myself, with my own troubles going on and past traumas making me so unstable in these situations.
I could give him space but I couldn’t deal with it being for an indefinite amount of time. So I pushed him, and he couldn’t give me what I needed.
Before those few weeks it was wonderful for 7months and we were very serious about each other. He told me regularly from near the start/always made it clear how much he wanted me with him, and made his life better.
So I ended it fully even though it was the last thing I wanted. I tried to fix things then, obviously regretting not being more patient.. but I couldn’t and he’s pushed me away entirely.
I saw him in dating apps (I was curious, and as life is, he was one of the first people to show up) and I just can’t help but feel devastated.
He had said he needed to be alone, and try to find a way to be happier himself, and that he cares for me but can’t be there for me at the moment, just saying so many times how he needs to be alone. But like I said that maybe in some time well be back together. But if he’s trying to meet new people then what am I to think… He wouldn’t give a time frame for time apart, obviously he doesn’t know, so I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to give up and I want to give him patience and understanding but I’m so hurt and don’t know how I can deal with it for an indefinite amount of time, especially if he’s trying to see other people (maybe already is dating someone, or maybe he was just looking and its not a big deal, who knows…)
He had become a huge part of my life and it’s just a massive hole now. I don’t understand how Im not leaving the same hole in his life and how he can just shut me out, even potentially date someone new even though he knows it’s complicated with us and I’m waiting for him, after how much he’s hurt me by the need to be alone… Maybe it’s partly the difference between men and women or it’s all explained by the depression.
Opinions would be appreciated.
Good luck to all on this forum, it’s so rough for everyone in these situations.
I totally understand your situation, it also stem to our anxious behaviour towards our partner. The need to know whats going on and why its happening so we can fix the connection and feel better again. What tends to happen is, we are so overwhelmed with our own internal state and our feelings, like him being depress and you being anxious that we tend to ignore our partner and we become disconnected and not intuned and we sometimes cannot pick up the changes of the routine of the other person. We might think that ” You are wrong, I was worried, I picked up the change of routine so thats why I wanna push this matter so I can support him”. We arent actually helping much in this state because right now, your partner is avoidant, anything you tell will not go through his head, all he would be thinking right now is “I need my peace, my time alone, so I can think for myself”. Men tend to not ask for him so they go to their man cave to think. Whether they are depress or avoidant, they will shut you off if their autonomy is challenge and feel suffocated from all the question, smothering him unintentionally.
Just like me, you are really anxious with this relationship right now and it has taken a toll on your well being, Ive been there, it feels like death. I have to grieve properly so I can let go of what we had and what the relationship meant to me in order for both of us to move forward.
At the mean time, focus on your self growth and work on your self. I know its easy to say but gradually it will make you feel better. You have to continue no contact, I know its hard, do not brake it again. No contact can work second time and it also depends how the relationship came to an end before he reach out as well.
I am thankful that I have watched Craig Kenneth on youtube, search for him. He will give you some knowledge and understand our situation. It made me feel better about myself and understand what I should do during this no contact period.
I have been reflecting on my self and working on my self growth right now and it helps me become better emotionally and mentally. There is that psychotherapist and relationship expert in youtube that I always watch which help greatly on understanding your self , your partner, your relationship.
Yesterday, my boyfriend had woke up, and completely blindsided me and left.
Our relationship was damn well picture perfect up until three days prior. He is a gentleman, he made the time, bought me flowers regularly, made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. We were building a house on his parents ranch, talked about having kids and marriage. We were certain that we had found each other as ‘the one’. We had a great friend group, loving families, and wonderful experiences together. Just a week ago we were painting the spare room and planning our lives.
The past weekend, he started acting noticeably different. I called him out on it and he shared with me that he thought he was depressed. I tried to understand and ask questions on where that feeling was coming from. He said it has been something he’s been fighting since he was 13 (we are 23). I asked if it had anything to do with me and he replied ‘no, you are perfect and are doing everything right’.
He didn’t want help. No therapy, no medication. He felt he was just happy being grumpy. He’s a stubborn cowboy. I spent this last week seeking help for myself on how to cope with this, and how to help him.
Three days after this conversation. He texted me in the morning, said he’s still feeling sad and he doesn’t know how to explain. He said he wanted to breakup because he was not happy at this point in his life, and he is going to move to a place thats about a 10 hour drive from home. He told nobody he was doing this. It was a rash decision, but he felt thats what he needed.
He shared with me that he even thought about ending his life. He felt nothing. He was numb. In a matter of days, he went from talking about rings, to no longer see a future with me, he could no longer have feelings for me. Meanwhile, i’m in love with this man thinking we are going to be married one day soon.
He had mentioned there have been girlfriends and friends in his past that have tried to help but it never worked. He thought the only option there is is to leave town, live a “sad and misserable life’ on his own.
I feel sick. I can’t go 2 minutes with out crying. I can’t breathe with out him here. I want him to find happiness and if thats not here then so be it. But the fact that he drove away this morning and left everything behind, crushes me in a way I didn’t know I could feel.
I’m worried he will move up there now and do something stupid to hurt himself. Im worried he’ll never find happiness. Obviously all I want his for him to stay. But I also know that selfishly I can’t live with someone who’s hardly even half in.
I know we are young; but how am I supposed to let this be? I want to help. I want to be with him so bad. But he’s gone. He’s so far gone.
How can I cope with this weight?
Hey there, I can’t believe I’m reading your post. You are exactly where I was a month ago. The exact same thing happened to me last month when my fiancé abruptly left me and claimed he was depressed. Turns out he had done this before as well. For you my dear, I would like to give you this advice: Time will heal all wounds. Know that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. And while I do not know your individual situation, I know that regardless of the specifics, you deserve more. You deserve love. You deserve someone who wants you to be happy. Invest that love you have for him into yourself and into helping others who aren’t making you chase them, whether they be human or a four-legged friend. True love is unconditional and bonds us throughout the fabric of space. Know that should you ever lose anyone dear to you for any reason, that the love you shared will always exist. Do not mourn that which will always be a part of you. But still allow for yourself to heal from this traumatic experience. There will be highs and lows in this journey, but I assure you that you will find out that the love you needed was within you this entire time. And I share this message with all others on this post who have gone through something similar. Sending everyone love and strength.
Thank you very much for taking the time to right these positive notes. It goes a long way, thank you.
Hello dear girl. I’m so so sorry you have to feel this pain. I have felt it and it really is so overwhelmingly hopelessly sad. Sending you huge hugs. One thing that really helped me in my healing process was when I was able to accept that Depression was part of the picture. For me, knowing that there was an illness at play freed me from trying to understand and rationalize what had happened. I know it’s really hard, when there is no closure, no explanation, no warning….but trying to rationalize an irrational illness is truly pointless. This was not your fault. There is nothing you could have done or said or tried that would have changed things. This is an illness that he will have to work through and all you can do now is focus on yourself. If you haven’t already, head over to the Depression Fallout Board – there is such an amazing community there and sometimes it’s a bit easier to find support than coming back to this site. But this site is also a fantastic window into the illness. The next month will be the hardest, but it will get better. Rearrange the furniture in your room. Delete all your message history so you don’t keep reading over it. Silence and no contact is hard but honestly honestly will make your life so much easier. Timetable your days like crazy. Lean on your friends and your family. Don’t blame yourself.
My ex started being out of character three months ago and just broke up with me a month ago. We were friends before our relationship and dated almost one year. Now, I believe that he may have depression as my experience with him shows a lot of signs with depression. This post sounds familiar with what had happened to us. Now, I am not entirely sure what is the right thing to do.
My ex is a clingy person and likes to spend time with me. When we finally were able to spend time together after a long-distance, he distanced himself despite he mentioned how he missed me and feeling sad, not able to see me a lot due to pandemic. We became easier to argue (nothing dramatic just very short) than before. Mostly, he ignored me and being cold to me, which was very different from before. These mixed messages made me confused. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t know what had happened to him. He also said he didn’t want to be mad at me all the time. I had a feeling I am always walking on eggshell as he sometimes got mad suddenly. But, I believed things will get better so I never mention leaving him.
Due to pandemic, school and pressure from family and career, he is growing through a lot. I realized he was really upset and struggling. He has low self-esteem and under stress a lot. The most obvious sign I realized he is not okay is one time he called me and keep repeating “everything is difficult and painful” in a very broken way (at 1 am I think). So, at that time, I believed some external help is needed. But, later after this incident, he seems okay, happy and willing to talk to me regularly. Well, later on, he ignored me again and ended the relationship later. The reason he gave me for the breakup is he does not want to waste my time anymore. I didn’t get to discuss with him in-depth as he seems reluctant for a conversation even though our social media is still open to each other. We only exchanged some text. I expressed he needs support, I can be there for him and he does not need to leave me because of his struggles. But, he repeats he does not want to waste my time. I didn’t mention we can be friends at the time we broke up because I was heartbroken.
So, I am trying to get through this alone without closure. I reached out to a family member to check if he is okay. Surprisingly, she did not realize anything abnormal and mentioned he acted normal the whole time. My thoughts and mental health started going downhill after this information. He seems very stress and upset in front of me? His relationship with his family seems close but why did they not realize anything? Am I making up stuff that he is not depressed? But, I know he loves me and cares for me when I processed this rationally.
This is painful for me. I didn’t ask him to stay for me because he seems reluctant for a conversation. Also, as I suspect he has depression, I tried to handle this carefully. It is devasting for me to lose him as we were in a great relationship. So, now I am struggling with all of the negative thoughts and heartbroken for losing sound a nice person. Currently, I am just planning to stay no contact. But I don’t know what is the right thing to do. I know I need to move on and take care of myself as I am very unhappy now. So thanks for listening to my story. Any insight is also welcome.
Hi Megan,
Just wanted to say I feel what you’re going through and I’m sorry, and my situation is similar. Except you handled it really well and I think you probably gave yourself the best chance at a chance with him again if that’s what you want.
I couldn’t do no contact for the first week and think I made things so much worse despite all I wanted was to fix things and show him how much he means to me. Didn’t work. He needed time.
So I tried no contact properly but caved after less than 3 weeks and got no response. I should have given him a lot longer probably. I also had/have no idea what’s best but I just thought surely telling him I’m thinking about him and asking how he’s doing is ok, and surely he needs to know I still care as maybe he needs someone checking on him I really don’t know. And surely if he cares about me still he will answer even briefly. But no. So I have no answers and may have made things worse again.
I guess a long time for us could be nowhere near enough time for them, so maybe that’s my only advice to keep that up in case you contacting him feels like intrusion to him.
I hope you get a new chance
Thanks, Bec. I don’t think you screw up at all. You have also shown him support and care, which is very sweet of you. They need more time and space than we think. I hope you are doing well.
So, a little update about my situation. He solved the issues with school and employment but never reached out to me. I always have the feeling that he will come back to me after he solved his problem, so I got really sad knowing this update through social media. Maybe, he is still overwhelmed and doesn’t progress much internally. I am worried he is struggling with something more tricky and can’t open up to other people.
I totally agree with it has been a long time for us but not for them. I reached out after one month of no contact. I just wish him well and let him know I will be there for him if he needs me. He questioned me why am I still doing this. He thinks he has been terrible to me in the relationship and also dumping me. I really want to hug him and remind him the good things I have experienced.
Anyway, I hope one day he will talk to me. I miss him. I hope there is another chance but I won’t count on it because it is kinda devastating for me waiting for nothing. So, I am trying to stay strong and be patient 🙂
Hello!
My ex gf left me after a mostly wonderful 7 year relationship; her departure was triggered once I held her accountable for treating me like crap when she was inebriated. We had terrible communication and she held some dark thoughts that she never communicated. As soon as I got close to be emotionally intimate with her, she held me in contempt and detached from me. I really was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her even though she often acted more like a companion then a partner. She texted me after 3 months of separation and we talked about our mutual love for each other but she still vehement denies her depression / alcohol indulgence. I don’t know what to do when someone you love is in denial of depression; I can’t fathom a life where she isn’t my wife but I know I can’t simply be accommodating. She also becomes arrogant which is really offputting. Lost as to what my next step should be. Thank You!
Depression or alcoholic?
Depression with denial . Alcohol brings out the dark thoughts
Did you have kids with her and still in contact? Did she change since then after you’ve broken up?
Reminiscing about good memory about your relationship often happen after no contact. It makes them miss the person and the relationship but it does not mean that its healthy to get back together just because of it. The problem is still there, not recognising her depression/ alcohol indulgence.
I dont think anything will change if she denies all of it and the problem will still continue even if you get together. You will go back into rough patch and a cycle of the same scenario. Its not healthy for her and for you. If needed, move on and leave her alone. Accept that she has to decide the course of her life. It may take years or more before she finally able to accept that she has depression and decide to change her life for good. She will only treat it as part of her personality and deny if you keep pushing the idea that she has one.
As for you, you have an attachment with her avoidant personality and it keeps you interested to chase her due to your anxious attachment. It wont let you move on and be happy. Fixing her isnt love, letting her go is. Move on and find happiness that doesnt require you to fix everything for the person. They will get help if they need to and recognise it. Cheers.
Are you in another relationship or single still? Nourish and improve yourself or the new relationship you are trying to build. Hanging on the past will not let you both move on. Continue with another chapter if needed. You missing out on TRUE LOVE if you keep attaching your emotion on the past. Give your self time to grieve and see that this woman will find her TRUE HAPPINESS and LOVE in someone that will make her change without asking them to.
Hi, sorry to hear what you have been going through.
Honestly, you are in a difficult position here. Convincing her that there is something wrong with her will likely make her pull away even more. Right now, she would be thinking that its just part of her personality to detach to someone and think it is normal because she has been this way to everyone and no one told her that it is wrong.
In 3 months separation, did you guys do NO CONTACT RULE? which allows them to think life without you? It is common that your ex will miss you and contact you. It allows your ex gf to miss the mutual love and seek the most comforting feeling during this time.
Getting back with her varies if she has changed for a better or not. As I read your story it seems she has not changed at all and become arrogant. Her depression tendencies will still be there and you will be in a cycle of separation and getting back together. It will just wear you both out and no growth in this relationship at all.
It is up to her to seek help when she is ready to recognise her depression and alcohol indulgence. It may take years or more, who knows. But are you willing to wait that long for a chance to get back together? it is really up to your decision.
I met my ex back back in February and we hit it off instantly. He had told me some things that were going on in his life that he thought would have me running (mother passing, family issues, health issues, no job) but I still stayed. We wanted to see each other constantly and I felt like I really found someone I could see things with.
Quarantine hits and we decided he would stay with me. During that time it felt like he had always been there, we meshed well and cohabitate wonderfully. Even after quarantine was lifted he still stayed, almost 5 months in total. In that time I supported him with his doctor visits and his toxic family. I made sure he ate and wanted to provide an environment for him that he felt could be a second base for him. At one doctor visit they recommended he take antidepressants. I think it really started to help him improve and he agreed, albeit with some effects. Sex started to become an issue and I brought it to his attention.
While it was an issue we worked through it, but it always seemed like he was melancholy most days or had trouble concentrating, but did make the effort to give me affection.
Though things seemed off after. He finally found a remote job and his whole routine really didn’t include me. He wakes up and tries to do work, he might eat, smokes, I make dinner for us, smokes, plays his game, and watches his show. I simply existed around him. It got to the point where I felt like I had to ask to hangout because me made little effort.
During our whole time being together he has expressed that I’m his favorite person, I’m special, a genuine, warm and loving person. That he values me as a whole and that I have good energy.
This past Sunday I found out he was moving out. I guess in my mind I thought he would want to move in permanently and must have missed details where he said it was official he found a place. I truly regret not saying anything about that. Before I left for work that day he told me that he wasn’t honest about his test results when he got a CT scan done. They had highly recommended counseling and felt he was at risk. He told me that he’s been on a slow decline since the sex incident and that he had stopped taking his antidepressants. He said he should be locked up in a padded room and that he has no emotions anymore. Just obsessive thoughts about past traumas he doesn’t want to accept.
I was blown away that after everything we had been through, he couldn’t tell me this. Later that night we spoke, but it wasn’t any better. Then next morning I was a mess, sobbing like someone had died. His words felt so cold and emotionless. He told me that he would see me later, but I knew deep down it wasn’t true. He didn’t even tell me where his new apartment was. I know that he was on his way to collect things from his family and that was going to be a huge scene, but I had no idea who I was talking to anymore.
The next few days I’ve barely heard from him and had to start conversations. His texts are short and vague. He’s told me that he’s essentially hit rock bottom. He’s truly unhappy at his core but that he’s “fine”. He said that the past two years he had nothing but bad things happen, but I feel like he’s using that as a self-fulfilling prophecy. He no longer feels anything and doesn’t care about anyone or life itself and that he’s changed. He said he killed off the person I knew and that he will never change, that this is it now.
I’ve begged him to get help or to take medication and that this isn’t normal. He says he values my perspective and advice, but won’t take it. I personally battle with depression and I understand where he’s coming from, but I’m truly concerned at this point.
He goes back and forth on what he wants from me. I ask him if he cares about me and I get “I do” or if he wants to be with me and it’s “yes”. Everything is so terse. I finally called him yesterday and it was heartbreaking. He says that he has no room in his heart to give me love and that he can’t give me the bare minimum that I ask for (for him to talk to me and want to see me). I begged for him to see me later this week but his response was so wish washy “man I don’t know , this is weird now” one minute it’s yes and then a few minutes later it’s no. He can’t tell me what he wants, but that I’m still specially to him and that he cares about me.
I told him I would be willing to wait for him if he wanted to take time to work on himself, but he told me there’s nothing to change, this is his life now and he can’t be the person that I fell in love with. He says he wants me in his life, but I don’t know what to do. I want so desperately for him to wake up and realize he made a mistake, for him to want to be with me and to confront his issues rather than let the void take him. What was once him enamored with me turned into him telling me that I care more about him than he does me.
I know that he’s a good person and that he deserves so much more, but he tells me I just put him on a pedestal and that he’s a shitty person. I’ve seen firsthand how generous and caring he is, and it pains me to see him as someone that truly doesn’t care about anyone or himself. He’ll says things that makes it seems like he’s realizes he has to work on his problems alone and that I can’t be his champion, but then tries to shove it in my face that everything is futile. That he’s not strong enough this tome and I have to accept that.
I’m watching someone I love destroy themselves and I don’t know what to do. I truly want to make this work and be with him. I feel like I’ll always want more than a friend. I keep telling myself that maybe I should take a step back and just let him work on him self, and maybe he’ll want to make things work again. He said we were great together and and none of this is my fault. I just don’t know how you can do this to someone you care so much about and hold on a high regard. I wonder if I’m deluding myself at this point. I just feel horrible and alone. I went from having someone I deeply care about at home with me everyday for months and now they’re gone and I don’t know where they are.
Even hypothetically if he decided to work on himself, I would hope that he would want to try again with me, but I don’t know if he feels the same way despite ironically having me on a pedestal. It’s only been a few days but I can’t stop crying. It hurts so much.
It’s actually so scary how similar our situations are. If I had an answer I’d give it to you, but sadly I’m stuck in the same boat. I don’t know what to do or what I should even do. He hasn’t left but I have a feeling it’s coming.
I am in the same situation as well. We had gotten some communication back and I had suggested maybe a walk (as I know he’s been seeing his family and other friends for runs/walks) but he’s gone completely silent. It has been hard dealing with huge things here that he has no knowledge about and thus not having any support. I don’t know what to do either. He has said that when I got upset weeks ago that was the icing on the cake. He had been dealing with family issues, a friend who had tried to commit suicide and other things, but he had consistently said I was not the problem. He has also said that in the past when his depression has gotten to be too much that he does push everyone away. But now I don’t know what to think or do and it upsets me greatly, we are also currently in lockdown which doesn’t help either. He did say that if he wanted to leave the relationship or had any issues etc that he would tell me and nothing has been said but it just feels like he’s not there. I wish I could help you.
In the almost exact same situation as both above. I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now. My probably somewhat cold sounding advice to you? Cut contact for a while. I’ve spent 2 months trying – from a distance because my now ex boyfriend went abroad for a while – to understand this push pull dynamic. Leaving him with space. Then asking what he wants. Says he wants me in his life. Then avoids me at all costs. Makes excuses not to be in touch. Eventually he just changed his number and didn’t tell me. I hate him for this and have suffered depression too. And I’ve never treated someone this way. Sometimes I think we give guys too much credit. Depression is a killer and is a disease, but these men still have some agency. You can’t help or support someone who does not want it.
I told my now ex how his actions had affected me. And how I had put him first. And tried to give him space. But he was being contradictory, unfair and uncommunicative and that it had had a significant impact on my mental health. I told him I could take it no more. That I was out. And that he needed to get help, deal with his problems and come back to me if he was in need of serious help (as a friend). The good person I knew is gone. And I don’t think he’ll come back so I’d say cut your losses, grieve and mourn and help yourself first and foremost. If he comes back, protect yourself whilst trying to have compassion for the other person.
There’s nothing else you can do. I’m now mired in my own almost incapacitating depression as a result of trying to support someone who behaved hurtfully and I can only blame depression. But deep down, yes, I believe even people with depression can take some agency for helping themselves. They just have to realise it – you sink or float. If these guys come back to you, they will. What’s for you wont pass you. Sorry if this sounds callous. It’s uninentional. I love my ex so much. But he cannot reciprocate whilst he’s under a depression. Cut loose and have some compassion for yourself. You’re not on earth as a support human. You’re a person too.
It took me longer to get there, but I share your perspective. I sent a final letter to my X stating her behavior towards me was so out of line as to be horrifying. I concluded my letter simply stating the person for whom I’d fallen so hard “passed away” and that I’ll always mourn that passing.
It’s very hard to make sense of any of it, but I’ve come to believe depression kills the person for whom most of us were so committed. Like your advice states, I think most will do better by moving on and trying to find love with someone else.
Sorry Cooper – there’s no ‘reply’ button to your post so I’ll write a short response here. I’m sorry to hear this. I feel for your experience. I think with depression there’s an element of sunk cost fallacy. You want to believe the person you invested so much in emotionally is still there. So you stick it out for longer. But I’ve experienced relationships with depressed men before, one became emotionally abusive til I was a shell of myself and another became physically abusive when I tried to properly end the relationship. I do think there’s an element of agency in this, as I said above. It isn’t what we may want to hear, so I’m glad you wrote a letter. I did too. I think it is hard to be honest because you know the other person is in pain and you don’t want to pile pain upon pain but people should hear that they have the capacity to hurt people, when they are also hurting. I’ve hurt people and know it and have sought help – spent my meagre wages on therapy and pills in a bid to be better, not just for my own benefit, but for the people I love. It is entirely possible for people to do this, if they can afford and have the will. Some people’s life circumstances make this really hard, I understand – I’ve had an easy life and had little trauma so easy for me to say. As the cliche goes, maybe it takes ‘rock bottom’ before people realise their actions hurt themselves and others. Then maybe there’s going to be a ‘right time’ when they can be in a relationship they can give to.
I’ve offered everythign to my ex, support from afar, going to see him where he went abroad for a couple of months, giving space – I’d do pretty much anything. Ultimately his actions spoke pretty loudly, and were so disrespectful. He didn’t talk about depression, his current circumstances are pretty dire, traumatic even and he expressed last time we spoke that he needed anti-depressants because he felt like he was losing it. All the care in the world, and all the bending to his needs and desires didn’t really work, because he had lost respect for me – a whole person – and lost interest in communicating, being responsive. He had turned cold, a completely different person to the one I had gotten to know. I wrote him a letter too. I’m now – over a week later – caught between intense guilt at abandoning him in a time of need (when actually, he abandoned me and crossed a clear line of disrespect by changing his contact number) and fury that I allowed him to disrespect me so clearly to sadness that he was not the person I had gotten to know, to feeling foolish that perhaps he’s just a bad person and I’ve been ‘had’. Then I get panicked because I get scared he is going to commit suicide, and I don’t want to abandon him completely because I believe deep down he is a good person with a complicated life in adverse circumstances – made worse by the pandemic.
In other words…it’s a rollercoaster. I think though, there is no excuse in the world for treating someone in, as you say, a ‘horrifying’ way and hope you can learn to trust again. I, for one, am finding it hard to think about trusting because this behaviour from the men I meet is so repetitive, and I thought this time I had broken the pattern and had met someone optimistic, forward thinking, communicative and respectful. It’s hard innit
Hi Shmelly.
Wow I relate to what you’re saying so much
I think you’ve had a much tougher ride and respect for handling it as best you could.
My partner and I also had several weeks of a confusing dynamic, for us we were still together but he was pushing me away so much and acting like he was punishing me for something, being cold, then trying again and being sweet and caring again.
Not breaking up with me but not telling me he didn’t want to either. He was just lost and I wasn’t his priority anymore I guess. I also would have done anything for him.
I don’t think he did too much wrong, a few horrible nights where he left me feeling fully unvaluable but I could forgive them in hindsight when he divulged more of his suffering and not coping.
But except the pulling away and stopping communication.. I don’t think it’s right. We’ve ended it on him needing an indefinite amount of space away from me and it’s so confusing and hurtful.
I also go back and forth constantly between understanding he needs this time and blaming myself for what’s happened, to blaming him for wrecking it by stopping communication cos how can any relationship go on if there’s no communication…
I get angry at him for how could he possibly ignore my messages (both before we broke up and shortly after, until I started no contact) when I’m clearly hurting and trying to fix things… How can he treat me with no care or respect as to ignore me entirely when we’ve been so close for so long, partners..
and then I go back to being angry at myself for pushing him when he didn’t need any extra stress or pressures.
In all I feel for him and think he’s so lost himself at the moment that he doesn’t mean it and probably wouldn’t have broken up if it wasn’t for me pushing.
So I blame myself more than him. Much more.
But I do wonder if I need to put more responsibility on him.. don’t you have a responsibility to your partner, as an intelligent adult that supposedly cares deeply for this person..
don’t you have some obligations towards them. To include them and not damage them like this.
I also have had this kind of thing happen before more than once. and this was the time I really truly felt I had genuine caring partner with a future. I’m devastated too and can only hope I can find the strength you have and can turn to myself in the coming months and try to help myself past this.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I agree there is more agency even in depression as I have been there myself, but then it’s different for everyone, and also men seem to do this much more and be able to go cold in a way women can’t.
Life is unfair.
Hope you’re doing well and would love to hear an update if you’re still on this forum.
Wow, I’m in a very similar situation. I met my ex boyfriend in October of 2018, and we were together from November that year until March of this year. So about a year and a half together, and it was beautiful. I was with him through boot camp and all of the emotional and physical stress it caused him, and he constantly told me how much he loved me, would never leave me, and wanted to be with me forever. I love him so incredibly much.
But he moved away to another state for a job in January of this year (2020), and broke up with me in March. He was miserable in this new state with his new job & living situation, but tried to keep it covered. I could tell something was wrong though. He had a terrible childhood and he deals with depressive episodes to this day. He self harms and falls into states where he can’t find any hope. Well this happened because of how unhappy he was over these few months away. He was depressed, which made him push everyone away because that’s his instinct. So he broke up with me.
I was absolutely broken but told him I’d be here for him and I will always love him. But I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever get a second chance with him since he was now in a completely different state and I didn’t know if I’d be able to get through to him. Well he reached out to me mid-August, because he had moved back to my city and said he realized he made a mistake breaking up with me and that he wants me in his life.
He said he’d like to try a relationship again in the future once he “gets his life together” and I believe him. After he broke up with me and was still living in another state, he had started self harming again and was in a dark place. He made the decision to come home because he was so unhappy. And I was the first person he visited when he came home. It made me feel like he still cares.
But now we’ve been talking and seeing each other occasionally since mid-August. When we’re together, he tells me how special I am and treats me as though we’re still in a relationship. He says I’m his favorite person and says almost everything he said when we were together. But I can tell he’s still unhappy and struggling because he feels lost in life. One week, we’ll hang out and things will be amazing and I’ll have so much hope in our relationship, and the next he will go cold on me and disappear. I will text & call him every couple days, but he usually won’t answer for a few days at least. When this happens, he comes back and apologizes saying he was in a dark place and just wanted to isolate himself. And because I know that he struggles with his mental health, I believe that this is the case.
Unless our entire 1 and a half year relationship before was a lie, I truly believe that he still cares about me & loves me, but is struggling mentally. I see the best in him even at his worst, but when I try to tell him this he thinks I’m lying or giving him too much credit. He just can’t seem to see the good in himself or life. He’s isolating himself and he pushes me away, and it’s hard not to feel like he just wants me out of his life. But if that were the case, he wouldn’t have reached back out to me when he moved home and he wouldn’t continue talking to me and telling me he cares.
I just really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at a loss and I’m constantly anxious about his well-being when he doesn’t respond to me for days. It’s so hard. And as the over thinker I am, I often let my insecurities get the best of me and tell me he never cared and he’s just lying to me. But in my gut, I don’t feel that is true. I believe his struggle, but I don’t know how to help. And I just can’t keep living like this. Cutting him out of my life is definitely not an option at this point because I still care about him so much and see so much potential. It’s just hard. I trust he cares and that he’s not just lying to me, but it’s so frustrating when I feel like nothing I do is helping and he keeps pushing me away. I never know when he’ll suddenly start isolating himself again, and when he does I just have to wait for it to pass and trust that he will reach out again when he feels better.
I want to reply to everyone but I can’t. So I’ll just reply to yours and hope everyone sees it.
After many texts back and forth over the past month, he finally admitted that he’s still grieving for his mother. He wants vengeance against his dad and brother and it’s consuming him. He said he still cares about me, but he said that he can’t love someone in the state he’s in. I told him that I love him deeply, and that I always will. I’ll be here when he’s ready.
I hope one day he reaches out to me. I see him with other people and it hurts, but he told me that they don’t push him, they don’t know him, and that they think everything is fine.
I want to reach back out in a few months, just to let him know I’m still thinking of him and that I believe in him. That if he needs me I’m here.
I hope one day we can be together again. He was amazing to be with and treated me so well before this. I’m sure when we met he was in the denial stage of grief and I think towards the end he hit depression. Now he’s in anger.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that…After the wonderful thing of him coming back to you, to be back in such a difficult situation. I’m sure be loves you and isn’t lying but maybe he’s not capable of being a partner at the moment m not what you want to hear I know, it’s something out of your control. I just hope he gets himself help though. And that would give you guys a better chance. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
I need your help, please! It’s kinda killing me that my boyfriend talks to my female friend while we are on a break and not communicating much.
Should I ask her not to talk to him? Will I come out as insecure? Or should I just trust him and stop thinking about it? I do know God has a plan and I believe in Him.
Why is your “friend” talking with your boyfriend.
Hmm, That is something that you should communicate with him.