It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
So hard moving on from a partner that suffers from depression. He was doing better then out of no where just stopped communicating. Very hard to get over something that you don’t completely understand. Would be so grateful if he could just talk with me with what’s going on in his state of mind. The blow off is so disturbing . I just need to forget about him,I guess and pray he gets help
My husband of 25years, left me several months after his Pop (who raised him) passed away. I knew leading up to his Pops passing that he would push me and kids away as he did when his Nan passed.
But this was months of me trying to talk to him or text him how much I love him, before and after his pop passed. But he was angry and wanted “space”. Which he had plenty of as I left for work at 6am and home some days at 8pm.
He has childhood trauma as both his parent abandoned him, but he won’t admit to any issues. He is a functioning alcoholic (drinks as soon as he finishes work until he falls asleep).
A month before he told our 4 children (15yrs – 22yrs) he started walking in the mornings down at the beach which I thought was great for him (I have since found out this is where he met another women and they would talk for hours daily – and my husband is a non-communicator).
After telling kids we are separating (much to my surprise) he left the house and stayed at a mates, but came home several times a week for sex in which he would tell me he loves me and then the next morning would say he is adamant that we are separating.
When I was emotionally ready (2weeks after separation announcement) we spoke and I asked what does separation mean to you ? To work on our marriage or divorce ? And he said he didn’t know. He also said he resented me (a word he has never used before) but couldn’t say why he resented me.
He ended up two weeks later in hospital having seizures (no idea out of blue) .. this is when I found out he was speaking to another Women (I called her and she eventually answered the phone and I was extremely calm and asked her if she could just leave him alone while me and kids look after him – she said she knew everything about him and they where just friends and that she wasn’t sure why I mentioned the kids). I asked him if he wanted her there or me and he said he wanted me. He told me he loves me and is sorry. He came home from hospital and we had sex he said he loves me.. but day 2 of being at home he contacted her (I didn’t know this) .. the next two days we continued having sex he said he loved me .. the kids assured me that he would stay.
After sex on day 3 from returning home I found text messages on his phone … which said “hmm and Mary thinks your working on your marriage hahah…. If only she knew your tongue was xxxx” …
I confronted him and gave him two options stay and work on marriage or leave .. he said he had no choice and left.
He has been gone now for over a month .. I am miserable the older children refuse to speak to him and the youngest is close to stopping communicating. He is staying at another friends house renting a room, which she makes his dinner.. the place is on the beach and he is up every morning walking with this other women.
My kids don’t talk to him cause they feel like he is a completely different person.. and don’t agree with what he has done to the family.
He messages them saying I love you I miss you I want to talk .. I want to tell you all the truth.
The other day he sent one saying he had been unhappy for a long time and he had left the marriage long before he had physically left and he didn’t have an affair. He wants to tell them his truth.
The kids have all said the majority of the time he was with them and not me and him on our own. And a month before he left we were on a family trip away and the kids said he was happy laughing playing cards and me and him stayed in our own cabin. He has lied to them continuously when they did speak to him initially and my daughter (22yr) said to him if you see the other women again you will never see me (my husband and daughter where thick as thieves) .. he lied to her ..
I have stopped making contact with him and only the youngest has minimal.
I don’t know if we confront him together or we leave him and hope he wakes up and sees the hurt and damaged he has done to us all before it is too late.
I love him so much and so do the kids and we can see he thinks he is in a happier place but really he is just not living in reality.
The other women is 10years older than me, has a casual job, not very intelligent, and doesn’t seem to be as fit and healthy as I am…and has been divorced twice has older children (25-19) and two young children.
I’d like to read the posts that are linked in this section
I’ve written a couple of posts at Recover Life from Depression (here and here) about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
but I can’t get to them. Have tried two different browsers. Can you help?
I’ve updated the links. Sorry for the inconvenience – this version of the post goes back to a time before the two blogs were merged into Storied Mind.
My boyfriend recently left me for the 3rd time now. He used to blame me saying i needed to make changes wen really it wss him thst needed too. He never shared not once wat he was struggling with. He only just told me now after a year of on off relationship. It hurts a lot that he says he doesnt love me and i was stressing him out. But we didn’t even barely argued over much but it started with mood changes. I miss him very much. But he refusrs treatment. We are still in contact tho.
Reading all your comments and hearing all your stories is so interesting because we all seem to be going through different variations of the same/similar situation.
My partner of 3 and a half years and I recently broke up for the 2nd time (last time was September 2021) due to his manic depressive disorder. Granted, the circumstances surrounding the breakdown he is having at the moment are substantially worse than the last time this all happened, I have no choice but to move out as per his wishes (he legally owns our house) continue with my own life (and therapy) in the meantime & hope that he will get better and we can one day find our way back to each other again. Just as we were able to do before. ❤️
It’s extremely painful & I am absolutely heartbroken. But he is my home and I love him so dearly & unconditionally. I have, of course, tried communicating this to him. But he is adamant that he does not want to ‘drag me down with him’ and needs to face his mental illness alone, once & for all. He hasn’t been able to completely face it head-on ever since he was diagnosed as a teenager and I think that’s also what’s led to this breakdown being so much more severe than past episodes.
I’m so glad I found this website. Reading all your stories gives me comfort in knowing that none of us are alone. Us unconditional lovers are still out there, rooting for our partners that we all love and want to support so very much.
Love & strength to you all. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same story..also second time this happen, which makes it a bit easier to deal with but at the same time even more doubts on what to think on a potential way out and/or need to move forward alone at some point.
I am sorry to hear this. Same thing for me sort of. We became really good friends living together, I boosted him up, he admired how I was quite on top of my health etc and I thought we understood each other well and accepted each other. We fell in love. He made the relationship very serious very quickly talks of hopes and dreams together etc how I made him feel great about himself and how he was willing to be a better person. I felt like I could trust him as we were already friends and he was adamant he was getting better and talked about getting therapy, seemed serious about turning his life around but, only a few months into this romantic thing he started withdrawing from everything losing interest in me and generally not even trying. Just started acting like a rebellious teenager towards me. Just starts to see me as being controlling rather than helpful for attempting to make our lives less chaotic through organising the house etc. I had to move out because he broke up with me and living together was unbearable. He gave mixed signals too. Told me that me leaving was breaking his heart or that I made him feel better but then completely shutting me out and abusing cannabis to numb his brain while I had to sit and watch it happen. I went away for a few months but when I came back he was convinced I was the problem that I wasn’t the right person for him and that there was no future. I think its just an excuse because he can’t cope with the responsibility that comes with a adult relationship.
I left now obviously but I’ve stopped talking to him as he’s made it awful and put me in a rubbish position and I have to heal myself before I ever think about speaking to him again.
My wife of 6 years (partner of 8 1/2) left me and our child due to depression 5 weeks ago. Stuff went down some really self destructive behaviour and hurtful things were said on both sides at the time. We both still know there is love there and under all the hurt that’s the main feeling still for me atleast. I love her still and that’s how I know I can’t have her back. If it was just me who had to do the work and rebuild the trust then it would be completely worth the risk and effort but I won’t subject her to that. Instead i let her go with love and all the best wishes I can knowing that she will find herself for our child and when she does she will find love again. For me that’s not an option she was it for me and im ok with that. Im greatfull for the time i got with her and I’ll be fine on my own I was before we met and I’ll be that again so that she can have the life she deserves.