How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves?

It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.

I hear so much about this from readers here and at Health Central. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)

  1. I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?

  2. I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.

  3. At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.

  4. This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.

I’ve written a couple of posts at Recover Life from Depression (here and here) about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.

I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.

If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.

The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.

First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.

They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.

So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.

You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.

Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.

The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.

There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.

Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.

No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.

What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?

Image by psyberartist at Flickr

639 Responses to “How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves?”

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  1. Daisy says:

    I’m so sorry to read all of these stories but they have also helped me. My boyfriend and I broke up this morning when I just couldn’t bite my tongue anymore about how isolated he was making me. It was our second time going through this and I was so sure it wouldn’t happen again and we would be fine but his depression makes him so selfish and I’m a victim of that once again.

    I love him so much so I am devastated that we are over. However, I know I was miserable because he stopped wanting to spend time with me. I need to remember that. It wasn’t a healthy relationship anymore. I tried so hard to give him support and space but it wasn’t enough. Having read these stories I know I need to stay firm now and not go back. It will just happen again if I do and I need to take time to get over this now and hopefully find someone who wants to be with me and put as much into a relationship as I am willing to. It just feels so horrible to be leaving him to deal with his illness by himself now. He’s kept it from everyone else in his life including his best friends and his kids. I’m so worried about him but I clearly can’t help. He’s so busy beating himself up about hurting me that the best thing I can do for him is take myself away so he can’t see my heart breaking.

    Thanks for sharing your stories. I hope we all find happier days.

  2. Taylor K says:

    Hi there. I read this long lengthy comment section. My gf broke up with me a week ago. We didn’t talk for 5 days after talking everyday, saying good morning/goodnight and spending great hours together. We had amazing conversation, she said she loved me, said she wanted to not hurt me and thought by being alone she’d be better off. After the 5 days were up, she contacted me. She said she wasn’t feeling ready because she just again, was concerned about hurting me. After telling her that I’ll do whatever it takes, we patched things up. We are together again.. it’s been a few days since but I just want to give some of you hope.. that if there IS love, and she does want to be with you it can work. Give her the space, wait for her to reach out. She missed me a lot apparently… I wanted to call her so bad and my heart was aching so much.. but I’m so glad I waited it out. I want to give some of you hope out there, because I too was never seeing any response to people’s terrible situations. I’m so sorry all of you struggle with this pain so much and I’d never wish it upon anyone. But here, I came back. It worked for me… give them space, let them know you care when they reach back. Best of luck to you all.

  3. Ruby says:

    My advice to anyone who has a depressed partner who leaves is take care of yourself first and foremost. You can’t help them. Even if they come back they will likely do to you what they have already done over and over. You’ll have hope for a bit and then it will all come crashing down. If they leave, care about them and check they are ok but let them stay left. You’ll be better off in the long run, no matter how good the relationship was before they got sick. I think depression is a life-long illness for most people who get it and it is very sad and of course horrendous for them, but they will drag you down with them and ruin your life too. I’ve lost count of the number of times I have been dumped. I should have stayed away when it first happened.

    • Person says:

      This just happened to me after 5 years. I also share some of the blame, but after researching many of these stories I am not almost at the mindset that this was inevitable even if things were ideal.

  4. JDS says:

    So much of this blog speaks to my situation right now. My husband of 5 years (have been together for almost 11 years) fell into depression about 16 months ago, seemingly triggered by a miscarriage we experienced after a year of fertility issues. He began to withdraw from me, friends, and family. He chose to spend more time with new coworkers than with me or with friends. When I questioned what he was going through, he told me he was trying to escape the sadness of not having a baby. I was also dealing with the loss of the miscarriage and the frustration with not being able to conceive again. Since he seemed mostly down due to the failed pregnancy, I asked him if we could attempt a first round of fertility treatment and he reluctantly consented. Against the odds, the treatment was successful and I was pregnant again. Once he discovered I was pregnant, he spiraled into a worse depressed state, becoming very weepy and withdrawn. He was angry that I was pregnant at a time he thought only I wanted to be, not on his watch. I felt very confused – the man I married had always wanted to be a father and having children was something we’d daydream about together over the years.

    I am 9 months pregnant now, and throughout the pregnancy he continues to be depressed and withdrawn. When I ask him about his feelings, he will tell me he is generally sad or sometimes blame his sadness on me/past situations in our relationship (i.e. our house buying process 5 years ago or home improvement projects). The issues he brings up are very minor. He began to show some excitement about the baby around 7 months but the past month he has spiraled again into a sullen state. He does not want me to touch him, he started picking up extra hours at a second job, and informed me that he now realizes he needs treatment for his depression but wants to do it “on his own in his own way” and needs to move out of our house. He also mentioned he thinks it may be wise for us to separate before the baby is old enough to know what it’s like to have parents that are together.

    I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare with our baby arriving any day now and a husband who is set on moving out as soon as he can. He is not the sweet, devoted man I married. This is not how I pictured our family starting and certainly wasn’t thinking I’d potentially be raising this baby on my own. I had been asking and pleading with him over the past year to seek treatment for his depression but he would always say he wanted to work things out on his own. We tried three sessions of marriage counseling months ago that got nowhere before I discontinued them since the sessions were making him more upset. He has recently started depression medication and therapy on his own, which is a huge relief to me, however the side effects he’s experiencing he seems to throw in my face that he is putting up with them for my sake. He had stated over and over again he did not want to be on medication and although the doctor is the one that convinced him to try it, he still seems to think I am to blame.

    I’ve started therapy on my own as well to help me cope with the situation. I just want to know if the man I married will return or if depression has taken him over for good. The therapist wants me to focus on myself and realize I deserve better, but I’m still holding out hope the treatment will help.

  5. Ian says:

    Never thought id be ending up posting on a forum such as this.

    So my partner of 4 years and fiancee for the last year of that has just ended things and I can’t believe how similar the situation is for many after having read the comments here.

    This woman was the girl of my dreams. We met randomly on a night out and just clicked. 7 months later she moved cities to be with me and then moved in 2 months later. We’ve had so many good times together since and I felt like I was the luckiest man alive.

    The last year is when things started changing. She started getting annoyed at me for little things and for doing doing a lot of cycling in my spare time (an hour to an hour and a half after work most days). At the time I didn’t think much of it other than normal arguments that come with being in a relationship. Then one day she said she wanted to end things. I was shocked to say the least. A day later and id apologised for things I thought I was doing that caused it and said I’d change and she accepted that. A month later and she then finally tells me shed been depressed for a while now, maybe a year. A lot of things started to make sense and I told her we’d get her to the GP and fight this battle. She agreed and went but didn’t want me there which was sore to take. He gave her a course of the the anti depressant, sertraline. I foolishly thought that would be it as id never had much dealing with depression so didn’t know how bad it could get.

    3 months later after me thinking everything was going well she blind sides me again and says we need to end the relationship. This was a week after she’d phoned home from a holiday saying she was missing me badly and crying. I was devastated again. She said she didn’t feel like she could burden me with any of this and that she didn’t deserve me. I tried to tell her that she was the absolute girl of my dreams to no avail. In the 2 weeks following (we were still living together) I got her to sit down and speak very candidly and she listed out nearly every negative thing I’d done over the last 3 years. None of the things she said seemed reasonable enough to split up. She then confessed that she had cheated on me once when the depression got really bad.

    I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the last 2 weeks. I forgave her for what she did to me even though it was sore to take. I’ve read a lot of what depression can do and the story seems so similar when scrolling through these comments. Before I’d been willing to let her stay with me in separate rooms but I decided that we needed time apart after that to let wounds heal and she is now moving out. Part of me feels the depression has ruined the love she felt for me and that the anti depressants have just made it worse. I’ve read so much about how the SSRIs increase the serotonin but the dramatically decrease the dopamine which is needed to feel love for someone. She barely shed a tear when she left me in bits and only actual cried when I said she’d have to move out. I’m going to the GP to tell him what’s happened. He obviously won’t tell me anything but I feel if he’s aware of the deterioration in our relationship over nothing then he may be able to alter the medication to help.

    I honestly don’t know what else to do. This was a girl id been planning on spending the rest of my life with and then to cone to this has just left me dumbfounded and heartbroken. At first i was going to not speak to her for a few months and see if that made her miss me but I realised the other day that this is a person who I deeply care about who is really struggling at the moment and if she just needs a friend then I’ll just have to suck it up and be a friend for now regardless of what the future holds. In time if she gets better she may see what’s happened, i only hope its before its too late. She insists it’s not the depression or drugs but I find it hard to believe when I’ve seen her change so much. Truly devestating.

    Depression is a horrible illness and it’s totally changed my life when I’ve never even had it. I highly encourage you to try look out for the signs of it in a loved one before its too late. I only wished I’d spotted it sooner and maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.

    • Sam says:

      I have just found this website and it is so full of information which has really helped me tonight. I have read your post and what you write reflects my situation as well. My husband walked out on 19th October 2018 and has not come back. I go between thinking I should message him and be in touch with him because I love him and I care to maybe I shouldn’t have any contact with him. I just don’t know what the right answer is.
      Depression is a horrible illness and has completely changed my life too – again I’ve never had it. I have thought many times over the last 6 months I wish I had spotted it and done something about it and maybe I could have saved my marriage.
      How are things for you now?
      Thank you for sharing your story, it has really helped me.

      • Ian says:

        Hello Sam,

        I’m sorry to hear that you’ve ended up in a similar situation. It’s not been an easy journey for myself either I can assure you that. It’s been 7 months of going back and forth between missing the woman I love to convincing myself that I’m fine and that I should move on to then realising I’m struggling to accept what has happened and realising I still love her. The only thing that’s really kept me from getting depressed is that I set a few goals for this year which I’ve been focussing all my energy on and I feel that has been very helpful.

        In terms of what contact I’ve had with her over the last 7 months it’s been minimal. She lives only 2 miles away from me just now but it feels more like 2000. I left all contact until Xmas when I sent her a photobook of our memories which she knew I’d been making for our anniversary anyway before we split up and also a letter just saying basically how I felt. She said it was nice and to have a good Xmas and that was that really, she then deleted all the photos of us on her social media and blocked me, that was another sore one to take. Only spoken to her 3 times since when she’s had to come round to collect letters which had been delivered to my flat for her and even then it was just basic chit chat. I’ve now accepted that there is nothing more I can really do and it’s all up to her whether she reaches out and even then that could be never so I’m kind of just living life for myself at the moment. Still not easy though and it’s been very painful reliving the whole thing over and over again since it happened and also having to deal with the intense loneliness. I did read something tonight though that said instead of feeling pain at remembering what I had that maybe whenever I think about the 4 years we had I should be thankful instead that I got those 4 years and just accept it is what it is for now and quite probably will not be regained. There will be another out there I’m sure when the time is right but for now it’s all about processing everything that’s happened and just regaining my happiness. My hope is that if I keep setting myself goals then eventually that will just naturally happen.

        Obviously not a happy ever after ending (at the moment (probably not ever)) but I hope it helps in someway.

    • Engaged to the Blues says:

      My love of 3 years and fiance of a year and a half moved out 3 times since January. The first time 3 days and came back. The second a week and came back. This last time he has been gone for 3 months. We got engaged October 2017 after a rocky court ship. He would disappear sometimes and get depressed and retreat into his shell. We moved in together and got a house in June of 2018. My fiance is 48 years old he is ex Marine Veteran and and has PTSD and Depression. He also has a host of health issues. he has had 4 heart attacks since age 40, diabetes, seizure disorder, sleep apnea, high blood pressure and stint in his heart. His doctor says he cannot work and he has been waiting to receive his disability for the last 2 years. He refuses to go to the VA for benefits.

      Things were fine the first 6 months were were in the house. I working and taking caring of bills him taking care of the inside and outside of the home. In October he became to be real angry very nitpicky stating he felt like my maid and I leave a mess for him to clean. Being very mean and drinking alot and becoming somewhat verbally and physically abusive. Mind you he quit a part time job he had when he moved in due to the stress and being paid peanuts. so he was at home ALOT. We planned to get married in June, supposed to be this Saturday in Caribbean however we decided to postpone the wedding in January due to multiple issues. We began marriage counseling in December and agreed upon it as he had several tragedies and we had a serious stressor that occurred during this time. His grandfather died in November 2018, Mother went in Hospital December 2018, his crazy ex showed up at our house and physically assaulted him and damaged his car in January of 2019. His father figure died in March 2019 the day be moved out. He is not close to his biological mother or father.

      I admit him being home was emotionally draining coming home to an angry or depressed and despondent man everyday and he was not taking his medications regularly however was seeing a therapist regularly and went with me religiously to marriage counseling for 3 months. He reports he moved out because he felt too dependent on me and knows it hurt me to see him the way he was. We have seen each other on and off but the last few weeks seems to be more depressed. He has been going to a day treatment program and finally agreed to go inpatient but has yet to check himself in. I am trying to be supportive however I feel like I am living limbo. I want him to be better and for us to be together but rationally I know it may take a while. Do I want to wait a while? I will be going to the Caribbean by myself this week which is supposed to be the week of our wedding. I will have a couple of friends there so it will help. I am really going to try to decompress and do some soul searching so I can make some sort of decision regarding this complicated mess. The only thing I am sure of is I love him and I am trying really hard to separate the man I fell in love with from his depression and anxiety. I am a therapist myself and really wonder how I got myself in a relationship like this. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

  6. Ruby says:

    Hi everyone. I first wrote on this page exactly a year ago because my depressed partner broke up with me stating she wasn’t in love with me anymore. This was two days after my 40th birthday on a holiday I had planned for us. Within a week she told me she had made a mistake and wanted me back. I loved her that much I accepted this and we got back together. It felt so great to be together again and back in love, so much so she asked me to marry her two months later. Fast forward a few months and I moved 170 miles to be with her, relocated my business, left my home, friends and life in a great city. I’ve put in a huge effort to do the change, start making a life for myself here, make new friends. But in the meantime, in the 6 months since I moved in her depression got bad again. I’ve felt very unloved for many months and it has caused many an argument. We’ve nearly broken up so many times but I just could not bring myself to leave. It was my birthday yesterday and it was the worst ever. This morning she wakes me up to tell me I am her family, that she loves me very much but is not in love with me and probably hasn’t been since I moved in. Devastated is not the word. My whole life has been ripped apart. I don’t know whether to believe what she is saying, or not. But I am leaving anyway. If someone tells you this there is no point, nothing left for you. This whole experience has been a complete nightmare, ending with me broken hearted, again. My advice for anyone with someone with depression: expect nothing but to get your heart ripped out because they don’t care, they can’t, they are not capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Leave now if you can, for your own sake and you can maybe meet someone else who is not so ill.

    • Anonymous says:

      Same basic story. Been together years, not married. On again off again. Never apart more than a couple weeks. Got married. His ( depressed) idea. Within weeks started in w/ talk of wanting divorce. A couple months ago, when I refused to change careers at 52 to make more money to satisfy him. (Compulsive buyer) he decided he “wasn’t attracted to” me, wanted to go back living w/ his mother . I ruined his life. He got mad, walked out, divorce should be final 2 weeks before first wedding anniversary. I’m so hurt and embarrassed. Just great!

    • becca says:

      so my boyfriend of 8 months left me just under a week ago because he was no longer in the right mental state to commit to a relationship, our whole relationship was happy we loved each others company, we spent lots of time together booked a holiday, started looking to move out together. I genuinely thought I’d found the one. a few months ago he was acting strange and started saying he didn’t know what he wanted anymore i was in complete shock after talking he told me that he gets like this sometimes over his dad (who died of a heart attack when he was younger) we talked and i promised id be there for him no matter what, not long after again he had another freak out after a silly argument and was accusing me of being unfaithful, telling me how much better i can do than him, honestly i didnt feel like i was talking to the person i fell in love with. fast forward we are back to normal ive been away on a family holiday we talk everyday he tells me how much hes missing me and how me being away has shown him not to take me for granted. So him ending things was a shock a massive shock, he wouldnt meet up to talk about it, when ive tried to get him to open up he wont and when he finally did what he said seemed like a cry for help and when i tried to make him open up a little more he backed off and told me ‘no one will ever know how i really feel because no one can make me better’ and everyone hes ever let in has let him down. but i wouldnt of id have been there for the good the bad and the ugly and stuck by him. i even said id be there just as a friend would, someone to talk to, to listen and he told me he wants to be on his own and i need to respect that. i honestly dont know what to do, i want to give him the time he needs but i want him to know im here if he needs me but he wont listen.

  7. Paige says:

    Hi everyone,

    My depressed partner broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. He basically told me that he didn’t want to be a boyfriend anymore and that he didn’t love me. That he didn’t want a relationship at all and he couldn’t see himself wanting one in the future. I was so hurt and confused and still am. We didn’t have a perfect relationship and this summer has been difficult. We were together for about a year and a half and living together for a good portion of that time. I felt so unsupported at times and felt like I was doing all the work in the relationship so I moved out, with the promise of working on things and getting stronger for us. He didn’t want me to and he missed me but accepted it. Now he says that he drifted away from me and starting feeling more and more distant. That the kind, loving, sweet things he’s said to me throughout our relationship he “doesn’t mean anymore.” He said he felt he was neglecting his needs for too long and felt he needed to be along to fully realize himself.

    Insisted that it wasn’t depression-related which I don’t fully believe. He said he thought I was an amazing girlfriend and that he wanted me to be happy. I did the wrong stuff after. I kept contacting him, trying to change his mind or show him another alternative. He doesn’t want to hear it. He’s at a point of such high stress in his life that he’s terrified and he’s completely pushed me away because he feels as though not having a relationship will make things easier and take pressure off of him. This is an incredibly hard time for me because he loved me so much and, even after he broke it off, cared enough to take my calls, answer my questions, and be patient and loving with me. He’s been complimentary to me and even said that I made him feel better at times but that he just can’t be in a relationship and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He says that I need to stop asking him to change his mind because it’s not going to happen and that if I love him I need to let him go. I promised myself I would no longer contact him but I’m so hurt and scared and just want to help him. I recognize there’s nothing I can do but was wondering if there’s any hope for the future? I asked him if he saw himself in a relationship again if he would want that with me and he said yes. He felt it would be hard and potentially awkward but he would only want that with me. He answered all of my calls and texts. He said he wants to remain friends and he likes me and cares about me and he’s so sorry but he doesn’t want any of the things we planned anymore.

    I guess I’m just struggling to find any way to have hope for the future. I told him that, by doing this he risks never getting me back and he said, “I know that and I’m still doing it.” I just don’t understand and I want to be with him and make him happy. He told me our relationship was the best he’s ever been in and that he saw a future with me that he’s never seen with anyone else. Yet he still tried to blame aspects of why we didn’t work out on me. He’s had severe chronic depression for years and tried to kill himself when he was 8. I know he’s in such a numbed out state of mind where he’s functioning but not really changing anything to feel better. These articles have helped me understand where he may be coming from but I was wondering if there was anything I can do for a future with him? Obviously I can’t change his mind, I’ve tried that. But, with all the love still there, will he come back to me and want a relationship? I’m trying to deal with my own emotions about all of this and he’s so stubborn and introverted that he just wants to worry about himself. I’m worried that he’ll never be happy and that he’ll never want a relationship again when we were genuinely so connected. He’s also been so calm and rational that it worries me. He had a weak moment when I called him once where he seemed to express regret but ultimately went back to a cold, unchanging stance a couple days later.

    Any hope guys? Any approach I should take here? Obviously I just need to leave him alone for the time being because that’s what he wants but I don’t think he’s going to get any happier without me. He says he doesn’t want a relationship and that I need to believe him, which I do. He’s an extremely independent person and has had to survive on his own for quite some time. I know he trusted and loved me but he still struggled to let me help him or take pressure off of him. It’s just so frustrating and heartbreaking and there seems to be no hope for the future because he refuses to picture a future. I know the depression must be driving this in some ways because it can’t not be related but I don’t think he’s in a place to recognize that. I just hope some of what I’ve said to him will get through and he will realize he needs to get help and then he’ll reach back out to me. I’m not holding my breath. I’m trying to move on. But when you’ve taken care of someone and really invested in them and your relationship, it’s hard to just let go and let them leave you.

  8. Fauna says:

    My boyfriend left me after a few years to severe depression that I knew he was dealing with Whole time we were together. He wants to talk in 3 weeks to “see how he’s feeling” he sssured me I was not the problem, yet said I was part of the problem. I don’t understand! He’s super closed off and basically tells me nothing. He first dumped me two weeks ago, and then his grandpa got sick and he asked me to come over and be there for him so i was all week and was practicing boundaries like not staying overnight or anything. Then after that week passed, said he can’t do this anymore and we should break up. So he kept flip flopping on if he wanted me or not. He recently returned my telescope and stuff to my place, he came over very fast in a rush and didn’t make any eye contact. Every time we talk on phone or text is always super rude and mean and cold as I recently told him I don’t understand his behavior and don’t deserve to be treated like this. All he could say was “I’m sorry.” I’ve been extremely confused, and I still love him, but idk why he can’t be straight with me. It’s probably the depression. I feel like he thinks getting rid of me will help. He says he wants to see how life is without me, and we’re gonna talk in a few weeks to see how we are feeling. Just gotta wait a few more weeks for him to discard me again ha. Any help would be great

    • Lootess says:

      It kind of goes like that. A relationship can be seen as a burden to them so the simpler they make their life the easier it seems, when we all know loving closeness is usually a good thing. Just be careful to take care of yourself. As getting the torture end and learning how to be helpless is hard. Of course leave the door open.

      • Thaila says:

        I can’t believe I’m doing this, probably because I’m so lost and hurt and reading similar stories is maybe helpful.

        My boyfriend of 2 years suddenly feels like he can’t be in a relationship. This all started three months ago, I saw such a change. Our relationship was always good, great even. Suddenly this sweet, loving, kind man was mean and cold and just gone. He kept saying he was just tired and that nothing was wrong. He finally admits he’s been depressed but he doesn’t know why. Then began the oddest two months we had together. He would disappear for 2-4 days at a time and just shut down. He wouldn’t answer me, the first two times I was really worried and then it became such a regular pattern. When he’d come back he’d say he’s sorry, he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he feels broken, he can’t be happy anymore. Rinse repeat. When I’d ask him what’s going on he’d say he needs to be alone. That he can’t get a clear thought and he wants solitude.

        It’s been 4 days since we spoke. This time I’m actually listening and not contacting him, but I am so hurt. He says he needs this, he’s too messed up, please understand. But I can’t. We were together every day for two years and I’ve lost my lover and my best friend and I’m scared he’ll never come back. I’m so lonely and I have things I’m dealing with too and it’s really hard.

        • Lootess says:

          Yep, those are the signs. Sudden displeasure, wanting to be alone. It was traumatic to me personally. I still have a small fear in my mind that they may never return to their normal days but in my past I have seen a turnaround with close friends, albeit it took quite a bit of time. We lived together for awhile and in a way she was warning me about what could happen with major depression. I never picked up how uncomfortable it was to her to talk about but she gave me ever lasting words that if I woke up to someone completely different, it won’t be me being the issue, and how they will love me forever. I love leaving our pictures up, and just remembering the good times. She isn’t making any new memories with herself or anyone. We had already put down a structure on what marriage would be like, timing and all. Sometimes I think I may have contributed to depression with all the positive changes happening. But I also can’t blame myself if I was doing the right things to make a future forever for us.

          The one thing that helps me aside from time is respecting their wishes, and just making sure they are being taken care of with their mother. Love can be at a distance, sadly. I like to say we built up enough that someday we will work it out.

          • olga says:

            Becca, I am in similar situation. My depressed bf of seven months dumped me. He was acting distant a month prior to break up. We tried to get back together, but he would break up again. He was backing up slowly, now we don’t talk.
            R. I.P his clear mind

        • olga says:

          Any update?

  9. Anonymous says:

    Hi. So glad i found this site it’s made me feel like I am not on my own. My partner recently walked out saying he can’t do this any More and I am shocked. He says it’s my own fault for not listening and seeing it coming. I totally disagree as we have been still very loving together ok not as much due to petty arguments but they are all down to his low moods. We have a great life together and have so many plans. I love him very much and his moods have been an issue recently. He also stopped doing the things he enjoyed and only wanted to just work all the time. It’s been hard watching him go downhill and I tried to get him interested in things but he just got annoyed. He originally suggested seeing a gp a while back and I thought great. But he said the following week he was fine. We have been together years and have been building a life together. And now he has left. He us not even willing to try even though he says he still loves me. I am willing to support him but he has moved out and not willing to listen as he said I haven’t been listening to him. Any advice welcome as I want him home

    • Anonymous says:

      Update: he is now seeing someone else not sure how serious it us. But they were messaging before he left me. Since leaving he has been to Dr and I do think he still cares about me. What do i do ??

      • Rhea says:

        Hi Anon, reading your post sounds very similar to what happened to me. The downward spirals, saying they care but not doing it with actions.

        I hope you’re doing ok. Finding out your partner is now seeing someone else is always hard, and for me what I found especially difficult was the emotional cheating. Being with someone who could withdraw and be emotionally unavailable to then put all their energy into a new person hurts.

        It’s good to hear that he had gone to see a Dr. What I’ve realised is that with most illness’ including depression it’s important that the person suffering takes that first step for help. Initially following the break up, I spoke to my ex about speaking to someone -his behaviour was erratic and extremely out of character. His reply was that he’s felt the best he has in a while, a few weeks later he then told me how he’s suffering and threw a torpedo at his life!

        It’s been almost 3 months since we broke up, and almost 2 weeks now without contact. The best advice I received was to be kind to yourself, and put yourself first. Surround yourself with loved ones if possible, do things you enjoy creatively and physically. I’ve found this site to be really helpful and reading posts has given me strength.

        I was with my partner for 5yrs+, and we had a lovely home for the last 3 and a bit of those years. Throughout our relationship we have worked through his depression, and always seemed to bounce back after an episode. This time though, I am dealing with my mum’s battle with advanced cancer and I’m trying to put all my energy into spending time with her.

        In this aftermath, I’ve begun to realise that the depression my ex partner had was contagious. I spent so much energy in trying to help him that I completely forgot about myself. And a week prior to breaking up, I was at my most vulnerable (as my mum was in hospital and we were awaiting treatment options). Im still trying to get my head around what’s happened, how this loving and caring man has become so arrogant and distant. But reading the articles about fantasies of a new life has given me a deeper understanding of how the depressed partner tries to fill that empty void.

        For me, I love him deeply and had envisioned us having a family and a life together. I’m not sure of your age (I’m 30, my ex is 35) and for me I know that I want to have a family in the next few years. And I’m now trying to move on with the idea that may not happen with my ex. Or if it does, we will need to build a new relationship. In the meantime, although ive instigated no contact, emotionally I am keeping the door open for friendship.

        I’m still figuring out what’s best for me, and I suggest that you use this time to put that energy onto yourself. It’s all a process (and I feel like I’m just at the beginning of this), but I’ve found speaking to a therapist has helped to deal with the trauma I had been living with. So if you can, find people who you can speak to, and treat yourself when you can. You and your partner may be able to reconcile, but it will need to be on your terms too.

        Also try not to look into this new person or how their new relationship develops, it will cause you more hurt. My ex had met someone on his best friends stag do -she lives in another country. I thought it was going to be a fleeting romance but it seems the intensity of this long distance relationship is what he needs right now. And to protect myself I’m giving space. I’m not saying this might happen to you, but it’s important to protect yourself, as when a depressed partner leaves for someone else there is another layer of hurt.

        Sending you strength!

        • Anonymous says:

          Thank you for your reply. Just feel no can understand the pain I am in so it’s good to know I am not alone. Sorry that sounds bad. I am in crippling pain and although he has done wrong I want him back and miss him terribly. I also think this other girl has just come along at a low point and paid him attention and he has had his head turned. Before that we were in a good rekationship. But he can’t see that at the moment and I fear whilst with her he won’t. And in the meantime I can barely function. Over 6 years together and new home and future plans all gone. I just wish I knew how to get him back x

          • mercy13 says:

            Hi Anonymous, just wondering how things are for your now, has anything changed? Your situation is exactly the same as mine, and how you are/were feeling is where i am?

        • Anonymous says:

          Also hope your mum has a good outcome and sending you all best wishes.
          Do you want your ex back? I sure do. We had it good until recently but this girl is in the way. Obv he put her there but it’s too soon. Even if he was unhappy he went straight to her. That’s hurtful after several years together. I cant help but think of them both. I am becoming obsessed not with them but him. He is all I can think about. I would love a few days rest from it all but my brain won’t switch off x

          • R says:

            Don’t worry I don’t think it sounds bad. I hear you with finding some comfort in knowing that others have faced similar difficulties. It helps to feel less isolated for sure! Thanks for your well wishes for my mum, it’s all a long journey.

            Initially I did want my ex back, and there was some time that I would have taken him back with open arms. And although I still love him deeply, I know that we wouldn’t be able to go back to how we were if he did come back. I also have been quite clear with him how I feel, and so I’ve decided that for my situation I can’t chase him anymore. A lot has happened and there’s been a lot of hurt. But this is because there are some things he’s done I’m not able to forgive yet.

            It sounds like he has put all of his difficult emotions onto this new person & is using her as a diatraction. If he’s on a high at the moment, he might also not be open to receive what you want to tell him. Sorry I’m not quite sure what you can say to bring him back. Nothing I did initially has worked.

            I hope your situation improves and you can rest. But, do find some happy distractions & treat yourself if you can. x

  10. karen says:

    It’s so overwhelming how many of us are going through, or have already gone through this. So many comments and stories here.

    I have been through this twice now with my deeply depressed partner, who walked out 6 months ago with no notice after failing to uphold his obligations with his kids (not my kids, but one was with us full time).

    His depression is topped off with substance abuse.

    And he is British and has a strong sense of therapy as either for weak people or as possibly dangerous as someone is playing with your mind.
    So he woke up last week and did the whole thing again, but it was more personal, and he kept telling me we are incompatible (after almost five years) but he can’t name why.

    He talks in circles, makes no arrangements for a home to go to, just runs to the only mutual friends we have which has really driven in a wedge there for me. So I blackmailed him to make him go to the ER for mental health assistance last Sunday. Best thing I ever did.

    I told him if he did not go that day to seek treatment and get into a program of treatment, I would tell his very vindictive ex wife what had happened here over the last year, and I would contact CPS to tell them of his alcohol and weed usage to the point of blackout drunk/stoned in front of his 11 year old.

    I basically said the gloves are off. You can leave, but you can’t take your kid down this road anymore. With me here, I keep things stable domestically, and I am invested in doing everything I can to arm this little girl against harm, because she has been left to her own by her family to survive, and I know how that feels. She is being groomed to be their caretaker. She is a little mini-me in this respect. I am her mentor, and she knows it.

    So, he agreed to go. He started therapy. He was a little better and finally starting to go back to figure out when he stopped feeling anything. He has a ton of trauma in his past, beginning as an infant. It’s sad as hell.

    Signing back on for a life with someone, when I am a suicide survivor of my fathers suicide, makes me very cautious.

    I mostly wanted to say to anyone who reads my comment, please do this asap when your loved one walks out or detaches:

    It is super hard. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Tell your friends, family, get your butt to therapy yourself, or a support group. Seriously.

    You have to focus on your own well-being, because your partner will not. And it is exhausting. You can’t fix what you did not break. If you want, try to be quietly available to be supportive, but make boundaries for that to protect yourself.

    Eat, try to eat healthy. Go outside into the sunshine. Ask a friend to go out to restore any normalcy. And you will now know who your real friends are.

    A close friend of mine is on the opposite side of this just as this is happening with me, and we are communicating non-stop, helping each other see our own part in how we got here, and reminding each other to focus on ourselves.

    And we are sharing our story on social media, which is possibly the best use either of us have ever made of it. The number of people in the same boat is astounding.

    Write. Tell your story. Look at your own life, and remember you have to let the baggage go. Drowning under the weight of someone else’ mental health issues is not noble. It is tragic. Be firm, insist they get help before they drag you back onto this ride, because if they don’t get help it ends the same over and over.

    Know you are not alone and that you deserve love and this is not something you can fix. You must define what you can give and what hurts you, and what is just the depressed person taking from you. Boundaries. Self love. Self care. Prioritize these.

    • Lootess says:

      Completely agree, as someone who is going through the same. It’s not an easy path and more importantly it’s about being supportive in them getting professional help, realizing it is no one’s fault, and most of all taking care of yourself.

      Which means setting boundaries. It’s just like any normal relationship, you always feel you deserve respect. It’s not something that’s likely to be given in this state. You have to adhere to everything you believed before. You can still love them, albeit quietly like you say, even at a distance. Whatever you can do to keep going, do it. Getting out in the world yourself, treating yourself well, and/or with friends.

      One always has to remember depression isn’t a logical illness. Always remember that., The people they are closest to are the most affected because they involved deep-love emotional feelings, the very brain wiring that is mangled up the most due to the illness. It feels like a big anchor on them and it’s just easier to cut that so they can attempt to become normal, because they are already emotionally unavailable. Everything feels like how they could feel that way when just days ago they probably thought you were the world to them. Just make sure they get help.

  11. James says:

    Dear John

    My wife of 15 years has recently moved into our son’s bedroom. First, she said that I was not at fault and that she had feelings and thoughts she could not control. As a result, she wanted to be alone. She admitted that what she was doing was unfair to me. First I thought that she may be having an affair until I realized she suffers depression. This was after she told me that life had no meaning for her anymore and that she was bored and tired.

    When I suggested she get help for her condition, she claimed that she was not sick. Later, she claimed that the reason she moved to our son’s bedroom was because I was jealous and controlling. I am not like that at all. If at all, my wife has been the controlling factor in our relationship, not me.

    Every time I try to speak to her, she is evasive, gets angry and wants to go to sleep. She refuses help. It was then that she told me that she’d been having these thoughts/feelings for 10 years. I had no idea. Previously, she could control these thoughts. She no longer has that ability. She refuses to interact with our 12-year-old son and ignores him. This is affecting him not to mention my own feelings of loss and sadness. She tries to avoid me although some days she is more communicative. Every time I speak with her, her story/explanation/goals change.

    To ‘combat’ her depression, she has decided to go out every single day to ‘experience new things’. I am afraid that she will eventually leave me. She says she no longer loves me. She wants ‘freedom’. She’s become secretive of her cell phone, has inappropriate anger outbursts and generally blames me for everything negative that has happened to her over the past years.

    When I told her that I loved her, asking her to come back to me, she just stared at me. She has no empathy. Her stare is cold. I don’t know this person.

    After reading many forums on depression, you have accurately described what is happening. I quote: “The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this. First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior.

    They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.

    So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving”.

    You are spot-on, John. Thank you for this clear insight. But I cannot handle this for much longer. I need to get me and my son out of here, even if that means divorce.



    • InTheShadows says:

      This is exactly what my partner of 12 years has done. And we have a daughter nearly 10years.

      He has finally last night admitted he has depression and that he doesn’t like to admit it and is going to the gp next wk on his wk off. He has also said he isn’t coming back home!

      It’s the hardest thing to live with and I worry the medication may not work. Therapy will take to long! Our family will never be.

      Hope your wife gets the help she needs and realises very soon what is standing right in front of her!

  12. MM says:

    My boyfriend after 3 years just recently broke up with me 4 days ago because he said he’s been really depressed and does not know who he is anymore or what he likes or where he wants to live, he is 23 and I am 21. He just recently graduated college 1 year ago and I know he’s been struggling finding a good job that he loves because he has no clue what he wants to do. We’ve had our ups and downs and I am not perfect I did some unhealthy things in the relationship ( not super bad ) and he did some unhealthy things as well like not ever being able to communicate how he feels with me but I love him so much and I miss him so much. He is the kindest guy I’ve ever met and this is so hard for me because we have grown so close to each other over the last 3 years, our relationship wasn’t perfect but I knew that i would always learn from my mistakes to better ur relationships but the problem was was I was always the one fighting for him after arguments it never really seemed like he cared he just always asked for space when ever we would get into a huge argument. He is an introvert by the way and I am an extravert. Anyways he said that he can’t be committed to me anymore because he needs to focus on himself he says he loves me but he’s not in love with me anymore because he doesn’t love himself he was crying and I could tell he was being very truthful 🙁 i just want him back and I don’t know what to do! I txted him after the breakup and said “I love you with all my heart ????I’ll wait for you forever, I hope you think about what I said ( about just taking a break )and I hope you feel better soon and find what you are looking for in yourself please don’t respond to this but just know that the second you are feeling better I am here and I would love for you to contact me I’m never leaving your side even though you may not want this now I love you forever baby ????Goodbye.” I also told him that I am here for him now as well but he never responds because I told him not to. I am literally so heartbroken and feel so empty, we went on family vacations together spent hours watching our favorite show together and now all of sudden he’s just giving up. I noticed he started becoming distance the last 3 months of our relationship and when we broke up he said he was becoming distant because of depression. He also told me that he went to counciling 6 months ago which I never new about and said that he has been struggling…..I can’t let him go what do I do all I want to do is call him and ask him to talk I miss him so much he was literally the kindest gentleman I’ve ever met, not once out of 3 years did he not open my car door. He was that type of guy. What do I do 🙁 any advice will help please

  13. Jenna says:

    I’m in the same boat as countless others. My boyfriend of 3 years suddenly moved out of our flat 10 weeks ago to live with his parents, he had a sudden depressive breakdown and was off work for a month. When it happened the change in him was so sudden, gone was my best friend and loving partner and in his place a cold, distant, selfish and sometimes arrogant man. He decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship, was happy by himself and refused to talk. All the plans we had made and trips booked abandoned. Sleeps most of the time and even though he is now back at work had stopped socialising or contacting his friends. His antidepressants have been upped and he is meant to be getting therapy. Over the last few weeks I thought there was an improvement as he asked me to see him and we had a few good days, although now I wonder if he was just using me for sex since his sex drive dramatically reappeared. Although gone again. But was so nice cuddling and Just doing normal things like eating takeaway and watching tv. Then after two weeks of improvement he went awol on me for 10 days. When I reached out he was cold and aloof again. Then he messaged me angry that I had been in contact with his best friend, wouldn’t believe me that I had Just been asking his friend to look out for him. Very paranoid and I’m unsure what he thought. Wanted me to send him screen shots. Then after being angry and then dismissive via WhatsApp he then asks if he can come round to sleep (he had still been at his friends). Comes round, spends the whole day and night sleeping and cuddling but doesn’t say anything. Then next morning coldly thanks me for letting him “crash”. Then last night he says he is going away for a week (news to me and to his Mum) and that he will collect the rest of his stuff when he’s back. Wouldn’t answer the phone. Said I “had my chance” to talk on Saturday night (even though I didn’t see him until Sunday and he wouldn’t talk and slept all day). I’m so ill and emotionally drained through this as over the last couple of months I’ve shown him nothing but love and in return he is treating me appallingly and controlling everything by what he wants. I’m so distraught and feel like he has trampled my self worth. He posts on social media like everything is fine and gets all the sympathy because he’s unwell but they don’t see his behaviour towards me, the woman he once loved and shared a life with. I feel like the old him died. This other him is just horrid to me and I hate myself for letting him because I think it’s just his depression. But where do you draw the line?

  14. claire says:

    My lovely caring affectionate partner of 17 years left me in january due to his depression and him wanting to get through it alone. We went from being together everyday to maybe a whatsapp message every few days because he has pushed me away and shut me out. I know he is going through something terrible and I am really trying to understand, but I am also coping with losing him on my own. I love him. Miss him so very much and want him back. I want us back.

    • Marilyn says:

      Your and my situation is almost the same. I was with my partner for 18years , happy and contented and always imagining we would be together forever. Then, last May he retired. He really struggled to adjust and, over the months until Christmas ,he was getting lower and lower. I tried to help ,but he really seemed to just be allowing things to get worse and he seemed powerless to change things. After Christmas, he started to drink more, he was always a nasty drunk, he became verbally abusive and aggressive. In the past ,those occasions were few and far between and I coped ,but three times in less than two weeks was too much. He knew how much he was hurting me and decided he needed to live on his own for two or three months to sort himself out. He was on antidepressants and was seeing a counseller.,but in truth neither seemed to help? We are still in touch by text, but messages were usually misconstrued , and we just seemed to be on different wavelengths. He would ask to see me , then cancel, I felt as though I was one an emotional piece of elastic, being pulled one way then the other. I just wanted to help and support and he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and answer to no one. I have really struggled to deal with everything ,I really hate being on my own, and still love him more than words can say. He left three and a half months ago ,whether he is any better in his head now, I don’t know. It’s so hard to let go, as there’s always a hope he will get back to his old self and want to come back, but hanging on to that hope, is probably stopping me moving forward. It’s been the hardest time of my life, let’s hope we can find away forward .

      • Bob says:

        Going through this myself. After 6 years of marital bliss and then 3 years of my wife fighting depression she has left me to be alone. Im crushed.

        I have a great family but not the woan i love.

        • Marilyn says:

          Hi Bob ,I know how you feel. The way I describe it ,is that I’m now living in my house, it’s not a home anymore, now that there is only me here. I still miss him so much, but what made it worse was that in June he went on holiday with his neighbour downstairs and they are now an item. I found out on Facebook, apparently he was too weak to face me . He said this woman is a Samaritan and has helped him to gain his self respect and get off the antidepressants. It’s hard to come to terms with ,as when he left he said he just wanted to be on his own and do what he wanted to do with his life. Why can’t people be honest and truthful, it would have been so much easier to get over.
          Recently he went to a wake for a mutual work colleague at a pub near where we both worked. He knew I would be there, luckily I changed my mind about going at the last minute. Not only did he go, but he brought the new woman with him! Two days later he wanted to be Facebook friends with me, I had defriended him when I found out about his new relationship.
          I too have a great family but it’s hard to start all over again when you have been happy and contented all these years and never imagined it would end. Good luck, just keep going and don’t give as Winston Churchill once said !

  15. Martha says:

    Thank you for this article. I had a short relationship with someone who left me because of depression. The relationship lasted only 5 months, and we met online and only saw each other in person for a week, so it was more of a promise than a solid relationship, unlike the ones others describe here. Nonetheless, we spoke every day on the phone, Skyped every evening, and wrote to each other all the time. we knew what the other was up to and were very supportive of one another. We are both professional writers, poets, in fact, so there was a very literary and intense aspect to our communications. We really seemed to have a lot in common, and our sensibilities, energy, beliefs, etc. seemed to resonate in an amazing way, and we were making all sorts of plans.

    We were going to see each other in a matter of 2 weeks (he already had plane tickets), and after that we were going on another trip together for an entire month. But he ended things because of his depression… and I did not see it coming. He had just had some serious health scares, and his reaction was to push me aside, to want to talk less to me, to want to chat rather than talk. I suspect he was also drinking. I tried to get closer and offer support, but he withdrew very quickly: in a matter of one week he decided the relationship was over. He said he had absolutely no complaints about me, but he felt isolated and scared, and could not handle a long-distance relationship at the time. He wouldn’t listen to reasons… like the fact that we were just about going to see each other. He said he simply could not “sustain” a relationship (which made me see it seemed more of a burden than support), and he needed to take care of himself and “regroup.” He wouldn’t even say any of this over the phone: he said he couldn’t bear to talk to me, so he just did it over email.

    I think I did the right thing, which was to say I understood (which I sort of do, actually), but that I thought the relationship we were starting was valuable and worthwhile. I said I was there for him if he needed me, even as just a friend, and he knew where to find me. But I am absolutely heartbroken. This has been more devastating to me than breakups from longer relationships, and although I’m in my late 40s, I feel like a teenager. I haven’t tried to contact him at all, unfollowed him on social media, but I am still in schock and sadder than I’ve ever been in a long time.

    Reading your article, at least it seems that I’ve reacted in the best way possible. I’d love to hear any thoughts from others.

    • Jan says:

      Hi Martha,

      I’m in a similar situation and can relate to what you’re going through. It hurts to realize the one you love won’t let you in. If it helps, I did have the LDR come visit and I wish I hadn’t. I was blindsided by the depression and of not fault of his, I fell into a depressive state. He ended up leaving early.

      Obviously, I’m looking at the internet for answers as well as I don’t have them. Has he cut off communication directly or indirectly? What I can say is that we have to focus on ourselves and hope that if this relationship is meant to be, then he will return more loving and capable of being in a long distance relationship with you! BIG hugs!!

      • Martha says:

        Hi, Jan.
        Thank you for you kind words. I find it so helpful to hear the experiences of others, and what you’re saying about what happened to you sounds pretty bad. It’s easy to get dragged down, isn’t it?

        I’ll tell you how it was. He was waiting for exam, results. The previous evening he wouldn’t talk to me, and said he was taking a Xanax because he was so anxious. I sent him an encouraging message. I texted him early the next day, and told him I was there, and wating for the results too. A couple of hours later he said he had got the results, and they were bad. He said he had tried to be present and supportive of me, but he was too worried about all of this to be able to sustain a LDR. I wrote saying I understood, but I was sorry. I emailed afterwards again, because I wanted to know what his surgery entailed, and it turned out to be something not as bad as I expected, so I asked to talk, and he said talking was hard, we could text. I told him to remember that the idea was that long distance thing was temporary, to remember I was trying to get a job in his city, to remember we were going to meet soon, we were just starting, etc. He said something to the effect that he appreciated hearing that, but he just needed to do this, to “back off a bit” to focus on himself, and the that he and his son (?) had discussed that this was impossible. That was it. I wrote a short message later, asking how he was but got no more answers.

        I guess you’re right, that if it’s meant to be, it is. I think that’s a good way to look at it. I also feel unsure about how a long-term relationship would be. As the days go by, I begin to think about myself too, you know? Do I want to go through something like this again, say, in a year?

    • Lori says:

      I read through many posts looking for someone more in my position, and that was you. Same thing. Long distance but was the most satisfying relationship of my life. He would wake up early early to FaceTime me for hours before his work. He lives in another time zone. 8 hours difference. He was the most amazing man I’d ever met. We weren’t looking but the connection was undeniable. Then recently, and just a month before we were to meet in the flesh for a 2 week holiday…he suddenly ends it. His depression is most likely situational due to the slow death of his father. He said he was hollow inside, in a hole, exhausted, doesn’t feel love or want love and he will only fail in our relationship. I was devastated as I know the love and connection is real. The hardes part is I am coming to his country in 4 weeks and he says he can’t see me because he doesn’t want to have his heart turn back around to me. That he just wants to be on his own. We haven’t spoken in 5 nights now and I’m very sad. Advice is welcome and needed. Sorry I can’t offer any to you. I wish you well and hope things turn around for you too!

      • Martha says:

        Hi, Lori.
        I’m sorry about what’s happening to you. I’ve read somewhere that long-distance relationships can be very intense, because people tend to communicate very honestly and they are willing to overlook minor things and not fuss over trifles. Mine certainly was, and it sounds like yours was too.

        I’m still very sad… I last heard from him over a month ago, when he wrote a short email saying he really hoped I was ok, he was getting ready for surgery, and he was tired, “hanging in there.”

        For a while I tried to get out there, even went on a few dates, but I realize I’m not ready. I’m just going to concentrate on myself for a while. I decided to take a break from social media— we’re still Facebook friends, and it hurt me to see his (few) posts, that show he’s not OK. I also wanted to stop him from seeing my life, you know? I don’t even know if he looks at my posts, but I think it’s better if I’m silent, because that’s really more consistent with what I feel.

        I know some people say not to give space to someone who is depressed, but in a relationship like ours, I feel it’s different. What good would it do to keep sending emails? I think I would only annoy him.

        So I’m not exactly waiting, but I want to let some time go by. There are a few reasons why I could write to him later, but I’m going to let the summer go by, and then, later on, maybe try to establish some kind of friendly contact. It seems like so little, but that’s all I can think of.

        So my only advice is to take care of yourself. I tried to leave the door open, and I feel that is the only thing I can do. Try to be good and kind to yourself.

    • lostartist says:

      I know this has been a year ago. but seeing your post is exactly as mine. Although we were physically together but only 3 mos. but it really was the best I’ve ever felt. He was nonjudgmental (i’m barren, and he accepted it). We had so much odd synchronicities, he was orphaned and grew up at a charity I was involved with for years. we are both artists, like the same bands know one knows about. we have the same humor. he was loving sweet and considerate. his “big brother” from the orphanage program, who became his father/brother figure, reached out to me to say “thank you for making him happy, he has struggled so much in life and to hear him happy is such a relief”. we are born the same month and same age. 39, so this isn’t a puppy love. And then, on our 7th week he got sick, cough that lasted for over a month, that’s when he became depressed. Up until our 2mos together, he consistently told me that he sees me in his future. but he has pulled away. I tried my best to remind him how amazing he is. gave him space, after the depression we’d only see each other every other 2 weeks. and 3 days ago, he messaged me that he doesn’t see anything “substantial” will come out of us. and that he thinks I knew it already. that he just wants endless space alone. I’m crushed, my heart is broken. he kept reassuring me before the breakup that isn’t wasn’t us. and days before he broke up with me through text, he texted me saying he is missing me. I am absolutely devastated. he also stopped being interested in most things. me, sex, bowling and eating out. he only works and stays in bed and ubereats everything. The only thing he does is play video games with his gamer friends online, but none of them knows he is depressed. I love the man. I know he love(d) me too. knowing he’s an orphan, I reached out secretly to his big brother. he was actually very grateful for letting him know, that he was — and is— rooting for us to work out just based on how he has told him about me and the fact that even if I was dumped, I am still worried for his mental health. we exchanged under 6mssgs in the text breakup, and have not talked for 3days now. I really have no plans of contacting him. I am hurt by what he said but I don’t hate him. during the breakup text, I made a mistake of actually saying that he might be thinking of getting back with an ex cos in one of his episodes he was contemplating about “should he have a family by now?” “Is that what I should be”. he really is lost. has become apathetic, total opposite. I’m letting him have the space but do not want to let go. but don’t want to chase him either.

      I just wanted to air this out.

  16. Helpless wife to a lost husband says:

    I’ve never done anything like this before but feel lost…
    My husband of 6 years but partner or 17 years left the family home 2 months ago. He’s been a compulsive gambler for before and all our married life. He’s had times of self control but the financial impact has been long lasting and has put strain on our relationship. Eventually he identified that he didn’t want to live like this anymore and sought lasting help over a year ago. The counselling changed him beyond belief. He withdrew from family life and begun building new friendships outside all family and linked friends. He distanced himself from even his closest friends or was superficial when with them. This process happened slowly but the impact has been ginormous. He did the counselling left him feeling numb and unable to enjoy anything, even the kids and things like football which he loved. He was and I believe is a good dad but his lost his way.
    His gambling has always been a secret and the true extend of the impact has never been shared-even with family or friends. He says the counselling has helped him overcome his addiction but it seems to have opened what I believe to be the underlying problem. A deep seated depression that was masked by the highs and lows of gambling and the lies that come with covering it up.
    When he left we saw each other as a family for about 4 weeks and discussed him moving home. The crunch moment came and he just never pitched. He’s been texting and calling other girls and has admitted that it fills a void and makes him feel good. He’s acknowledged he has depression I.e feeling very low in his words and says he’s sort help with tablets. He’s spoken to no family and has had limited contact with friends so his well-being is not being challenged. He’s telling his old friends lies about where he’s staying so nobody knows where he’s living. It seems men don’t seem to challenge each other so he is able to hide in this way. He’s socialising with his ‘new’ friends but they know nothing about who he is or what’s happening in his life.
    He has nearly daily contact with me via text as I’d rather keep lines of communication open but nothing overly serious. He says he’s written to me expressing his feelings but has never sent it. He knows I’d like to make the marriage work and will be patient-ish but not made a fool of. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave for good if that’s what he wants or just make a greater effort and then I’d feel we were on the same page.
    A week ago we met and I thought all was going well again but then we were due to meet up and a no show! He won’t commit to or leave the relationship for good. He says he will meet me but never pitches or pulls out last minute now just saying he doesn’t know what he wants, or what to say to me. It’s killing me and leaving me to deal with the children wanting to see their dad but I can’t say when or why he can’t see them. I keep searching online for anything remotely similar to see if there are positive outcomes or how long does it take or if my situation is so unique we are an anomoly.
    I guess when is it time to let it go and live knowing that if I’d waited it could have been ok or is it just too much hurt and pain to heal from? Over the years we’ve been through so much together and I had hoped our love was strong enough to overcome anything. I’m fearful of him making irrational decisions particularly around women and money because he hasn’t got a level head to challenge him or be accountable to. He will the. Feel worse and the depression worsens. I’m petrified that the impact of some of these mistakes will be too long lasting and will do anything to try and be there for him so that he doesn’t fall fowl of something silly or that he regrets because he couldn’t rationalise his choices at the time. Is there anything that can be done to help or is this just the norm? Any help or support would be valued-the lost and helpless wife or a lost husband! X

    • Linda says:

      When I read your post I had to respond. I have been reading these posts for months…looking for insight and (dare I say) hope. I, too, have a husband who has become a gambling addict. We have been married for 21 years and together for 30. Our once wonderful marriage has been destroyed by his untreated depression/mental illness. He moved out (abruptly) over 6 months ago. I can really identify with your situation. My spouse has also disconnected from family and friends, maintains his “secrets” and masks everything well (especially at work). He has been prescribed medication but does not take it, has been to a counselor but only sporadically, lies to his family doctor and is now at the phase where he believes his marriage is “holding him back”. He has ruined us financially and does not seem to care…our life savings are gone. I agree about your concern regarding the impact of irrational choices. I see him worsening with each passing month (mentally and physically). I’ve learned that depression plus gambling can be very challenging to overcome (and very serious). I’m at the point where I can’t let his poor decisions and behavior be so damaging to me and have filed for divorce (but only to protect myself legally/financially). Like everyone else, this is not the path I WANT but the one being forced upon me. I, too, thought our love and everything we’d gone through together would sustain us and I would do anything to save our marriage. I know how hard that is to reconcile, though…hope and love and past history with this seemingly completely different person. My husband is like a stranger to me now…cold, lying, manipulative and abusive. It’s like he has become emotionally dead. Creating a “new existence” for himself is all he cares about (no matter how unhealthy or destructive it is).

      The pain and anxiety this has created for me has been overwhelming. I have learned the meaning of becoming an “emotional widow”. Being betrayed but someone you loved and trusted so completely can be devastating. Taking the best “self-care” measures helps (seeing a therapist, etc.). Every day has been a struggle but hopefully time will work its magic someday. As for now, I continue to love and miss the man he once was while being devastated by the man he has become. Mental illness has many casualties.

      • Patricia says:

        So sad to read but beneficial to know I am not alone , I feel I am reading my own story here. I am in a similar situation and feel I am on an emotional rollercoaster with my husband of 32 years (together 38), we share 3 amazing kids together (young adults now) and like yourself my husband left abruptly a year ago and was away for 6 months . I am not sure if he gambles as we now have separate bank accounts however I do believe he is smoking ‘grass’ which has increased his paranoia. He has detached from me , our family and all our close friends and appears to be angry at the world most of the time, I never know from day to day what man I am getting. My next stage is to try to buy him out of our family home as I feel I have lost enough without losing my home too. I thought my marriage was strong and that our love would be enough but sadly we are now on different pages . He is evasive most of the time and only sees one friend who I know very little about (the one he lived with for 6months) going to his most nights straight from work and coming home around midnight. I go from thinking there might be someone else involved to thinking there can’t possible be with his erratic mood swings. He is verbally abusive and emotionally shut down , I barely recognise him and now need to move on with my life before I become ill. He moved back in to the family home after a disagreement with his ‘friend’ and expected me not to ask any questions and just pretend the previous 6 months had not taken place. I love him with all my heart but do not like the man he has become , I now realise I can’t be responsible for his happiness and can only hope that one day we can become friends. Mental illness is so difficult to understand .

        • Linda says:

          Hi Patricia.

          I hope you are weathering the storm. I know how incredibly overwhelming these situations can be. It’s so hard to process and make sense of all the conflicting emotions (do I “love” him today or “hate” him today?). I know that seeking a divorce is the logical/rational step to take for my self-protection, but it’s been tough to deal with when my heart really isn’t in it. I had to meet with him recently for mediation after several months of no contact and I was shocked by his appearance, demeanor and behavior. Time has had him worse, not better (and of course divorce has made me the enemy). Like you, I know that I can’t be responsible for fixing him or the situation. It’s so surreal when it seems like I’ve been dealing with two completely different men. But I also know that the one I have to contend with now is the current “version” of him. My hope is that my heart can mend once the legal side is finalized. It’d be nice to believe in the idea of “light at the end of the tunnel”.

          I’m glad you have your kids for support. Wishing you, and all the other hurting partners, hope and healing.

        • Kate says:

          Hi Patricia,
          Your story is very similar to mine. I have been married for 22 years, together for 27. My husband and I have 3 wonderful kids together, who have been my saving grace. My husband has slowly withdrawn over the last 4-5 years or so to where he’s there physically, but not emotionally. Every time I try to talk to him about it, it turns into a fight. Every time I suggest therapy to him, he thinks I’m nuts for even bringing it up. He’s distanced himself from everyone he used to be close to. He wants very little to do with me outside of the kids. I can’t say he’s mean to me, he’s completely civil, just totally a different person. He’s had trauma in his life over the past 10 years with his father dying and becoming estranged from his closest sibling, but instead of leaning on me for help and support now he’s completely turned the other way. He says things to me like “I’m just waiting to die” and “what is the point of life”. Doesn’t seem like he enjoys very many things either. He covers it up beautifully when he sees people in person, but the second he’s out of their sight, he’s back to his depressed self. Don’t even know what to do, as one day I feel like I can’t go on with him and the other it scares the hell out of me to be without him. Wishing you luck on your journey and know that you’re not alone.

  17. Ellie says:

    I’m struggling and I’ve hurt him. We’ve been together 4 months, not that long but long enough for me to fall for him.
    He’s 45 and ususlly a very strong minded, confident, high testosterone male.
    He works hard and a month or so ago had to work extra, then he got an infection on a cyst in his man bits, he’s always called and txt me at least 2-3 times a day.
    He lives in a flatshare with another guy and has always shut himself away, even before we met.
    I’ve never pressured him as I have a history of severe depression which needed hospital treatment, i’ve been stable and positive for 11 years, I also have an elder daughter with borderline and asd.
    My man started to not want to see so much of me but was calling everyday, I kept getting txts of how bad he felt which was bringing me down, not that. I let on.

    The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago and he was pleased to have me there until the next morning. He usually cuddles up, says I make him happy, he slept on his side of the bed and he just wasnt ‘there’.
    Then he txt and called until a few days ago when he said he wanted some time on his own, that he’d explain and call that evening, he’d spent 2 days thinking about us he said. He never called, so I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to find out what he needed.

    This made me feel so bad as I hardly call him
    So I stupidly messaged him and told him It was ok as I felt my strength was going, and I couldnt take his behaviour and to get in touch when he could cope better. I felt guilty cos I know it’s not his fault so I sent him a much nicer message telling him it was ok, take as long as he needed and I wasnt going anywhere if he needed me, and that I trustec him to work this out for himself.
    He doesnt have many friends, and spends his time in his room, I couldnt understand why he was able to go and watch the boxing and have a meal, yet won’t even spend 5
    Minutes with me.
    We get on so well, were really close, he’s said this has nothing to do with me..huh? That’s so confusing..
    I want to help, he won’t let me, I don’t want to lose him..we haven’t said its over and I know this is the least of his worries, but I’m lost, I feel so rejected. I can’t afford to get ill again.
    I’m worried my message has screwed it all up.
    He doesnt deserve this, he’s such a loyal and amazing man.
    I havent messaged him for 2 days amd intend to leave him a bit. I can’t understand any of it.

    • Bre says:

      Any luck?

      • Ellie says:

        No nothing, 10 days no contact, but i’m getting stronger and caring less and less about him. Have been working on my own self esteem as have had a lot of his rejection.

        • Ellie says:

          I keep beinf un between I want to be with him and then not, I sent him one final message tellinf him i’m taking my kids away to centreparcs and that i’m doing well. Asked him if I should move on or what his intentions are, he hasnt even read it.
          Wish he’d have just said he didnt want to be with me anymore instead i get ‘I want to focus on myself with kisses in it’ and he’s previously said his depression has nothing to do with us…
          Going to give him 60 days of no contact on day 2 and staying away from any other men so I can focus on myself. Going to some seminars to pick up my self esteem.
          Why do they have to ignore us, i’m the first to give him space, they punish us for having feelings…

          • Martha says:

            “I’m the first to give him space, they punish us for having feelings.” I agree with you: it feels like punishment, it feels like they’re angry with us. I’ve been reading as much as I can… what I find is that they feel everything is so dark, they can’t deal with relationships.

            Hoa are you doing now?

  18. Hopefuly Worried says:

    This has helped me so much. I’m going through the same thing as my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me a month and a bit ago.
    He wasn’t my first ever boyfriend at age 18 and was the best thing that’s ever came into my life. Brought me the happiest times and was always an incredible boyfriend.
    Over the past while he has displayed many symptoms of depression following a bereavement and he stopped going to councelling. He sleeps so much and doesn’t seem to do much, other than go to work. He hasn’t very poor self esteem issues.
    He broke up with me Saying I deserve so much better, that I am too good for him, that I deserve someone like myself and that he was a burden on me and told me he hadn’t very negative thoughts including suicidal thoughts and that he can’t handle the pressure of a relationship right now. It hurt and it still does but I respected his decision. We still talk but about mundane things and never about how he is doing, I know he hasn’t other friends he can talk too so I’m not to worried about that. I miss him so much, like I miss everything so so much. Like all I want to do is climb into bed with him and sit in silence watching a movie, just as long as he was there? I’m a mothering friend naturally so I have such a need and desire to help him and be there for him but that is not what he needs from me right now. I send him encouragement indirectly and he thanks me for it. I just really miss him, the way he used to be especially- kind considerate loving caring funny bubbly and my best friend. I know he is going to be okay eventually but my patience needs major work. I just hope when he does feel okay he doesn’t forget about me, even though he says he won’t I’m afraid he will.
    I recently found out from a mutual friend that he thought incredibly highly of me. She showed me messages they exchanged and they made me feel sad and happy. He said I was the most influential person in his life and that I made him really happy and that he was so thankful that he had me in his life.
    He said recently he is going back to councelling and I hope they help him through this properly so I guess time will really tell if we ever get back.

    I know this doesn’t begin to cover everything that went down but I wanted to post now, so hopefully in the future I can come back and bring some hope.

    I hear you all loud and clear, we’re going through a life lesson none of us asked to learn. I stay hopeful for all of you that things will come back and flourish again. I need advice from anyone on the other side or who has been experiencing this for a while.

    How can I help him? Where do I draw the line? Will he ever open up again to me? How do I make him see that I love him unconditionally?

    Thank u for this thread, so nice to see I’m not alone and that this is s regular occurance and I’m not going mad!

  19. Dick says:

    Remain strong. My girlfriend finally pushed me away for good. Her best friend moved away, lost a family member and we went through an abortion.

    This threw her into a deep depression. We both were in denial but the love we felt for one another, when the depression bit or boiled over she began to change suddenly I was annoying, or a nuscance. It was a roller coaster of hi’s and lows. She refused to seek any professional help and me even suggesting that was attacking her.

    I slowly became the enemy. The last six months she was mix of quick tears and extreme jolts of happy but distant and very negative. All efforts of a healthy relationship faded and I was putting in all the work, until the blows offs started happening. I told her let’s take a breath and give us little space, she was confused and didn’t not like talking about her depression or how she was treating the relationship. Accountability only caused more tension.

    Couple weeks of doing our own thing, texting and talking on the phone seemed okay or somewhat normal, until we met up. It led to her weeping uncontrollably in public. Seeing her like this sad and hurt destroyed me knowing that I was helpless and only harming us. I drive her home.

    I’m pretty shaken up, hurt, and bummed the fuck out. But I simply texted her That I love her, I’m here if she needs I’m and or to talk if she wants.

    End of the road. Three days know nothing. I’m assuming the worst (I no longer make her happy, love gone and another man in her life) and moving on.

    I have work stress and an aspiring artist so time in at this point in my life, would most likely be destructive. Just writing this out helped a little.

    So here I again go feeling hella jaded and salty, like all my efforts in love and relationships were futile. Time build up my walls, focus on my career and ignore the “relationship” course. Good luck to all of you. It wont be easy but you will all find strength to carry on. ✌️

  20. Mel says:


    My ex girlfriend and I were very happy until I started feeling suspicious of who she talked to and what she talked about every time I asked her she would say it was nothing important but this was an everyday thing she would hang up a call with me just so she could talk to “friends” we had a serious talk about this and I asked if she could give me her password to her email but found nothing there so we forgot about this. Later on the same thing continued to happen I opened up to her and told her how I felt about her talking to so many guys on social media that flirt with her and she couldn’t tell them she was in a serious relationship so she “wouldn’t hurt” them but she really didn’t understand so I was curious one night she started taking forever to reply to my messages and without her knowing I did log on to her Instagram to see she goes along with the guys she flirts with and was sending naked pictures of herself to another guy. I tried to make her feel guilty about it and make her confess without me telling her I went through her Instagram but she was able to lie to my face so I told her “I know what you did on Instagram” she went on to say how she didn’t care about this guys because she doesn’t feel the same “romantic affection” with them like she does with them so I told her to leave them and she couldn’t for whatever reason she couldn’t. I really don’t know how but I forgave her without her even apologizing to me and I felt like the bad person when I wasn’t. Everything was good until the exact same thing happened but this time she still doesn’t know I found out she was flirting and sending nude photos to another guy. I still love her so much and would do anything to be with me even after this but I knew I had to break up with her if I wanted to keep her in my life at least as a friend. So I did and the next day explained to her why I did what I did but she didn’t care she said “I hate you because you said you loved me but hurt me” When I tried to explain to her how sad and heart broken I felt she would say stuff like “fuck you” and I pretty much asked her “Do you want to be friends?” she told me “idk” so I said “ok let me put it this way do you want me to leave you alone for good?” She said “I. DON’T. CARE.” So I apologized for everything I did which I never did anything wrong and never accused her of what she did wrong I wished her well and if she ever needed someone to talk to i would be here. Later that day I try to relax and play some video games when I came home and my first online session she happened to be in my same game… These odds were just mind blowing and I tried messaging her i’m sorry and that she will always be in my thoughts and she just said I was a douche but I promise you I was the opposite of that but she doesn’t see it not once did I call her a name raise my voice even when she did wrong things and was unloyal multiple times. She ended up saying “What’s the point of living anymore if i’m just going to keep getting hurt” that was the last time I heard from her and I asked a friend and he said she stopped texting him after she said this to me, I got on her Instagram again to see if she was at least messaging people but she didn’t reply to them either. I was in panic because I could only think what if she is thinking of suicide and I have no way to get in contact with her or maybe she was cutting herself which breaks my heart because she doesn’t seem to understand that I love her some much and care for her but I tried messaging her on Snap around 8pm she never opened it so. I was going to wait a day until I was thinking of calling her grandma to check on her but thankfully she read my message on snap in the morning but never replied. I want this to work out and if not I want to at least be friends with her. I just don’t understand because she told me earlier she still had feelings and she hides how she is really feeling I really didn’t think she was thinking like this but now I don’t want to leave her but don’t know what to do please help me. I need help.

  21. Andrea says:

    My partner of 4 years has been depressed for 6 months and ended the relationship 6 weeks ago. It was a very hard period of time to get through the depression and I could feel him sleeping away, talking about suicide and so on. He got on medication and things looked better. Somehow it just didn’t feel right. He changed, bought new clothes, pushed me away. Whenever I said something about it, he told me to stop thinking like a fool. He was sick and I shouldn’t worry.
    6 weeks ago he sent me a text message saying we were done. After that no more communication. It was a really hard time for me, no answer, not a clue what was going on. He blocked my phonecalls (called him twice a week), no reply to my email. I wasn’t stalking, just trying to get back in touch. He didn’t open the door when I was at his house.
    One morning I decided to go to his house one last time to talk. I loved him so much, he was the love of my life. We had such a wonderful relationship up until the depression.
    He had no clue I was there (new car) so he opened the door. He was angry to see me but he did want to talk to me. After 6 hours of talking he told me he started seeing someone one month before breaking up. And she was living with him after two weeks (so he was already living with her before breaking up). My world fell apart.
    It’s somethin I find so difficult to deal with. How can you go from a happy relationship to breaking up and living with another woman?
    None of our friends understand any of this behaviour. I”m heartbroken. My trust is gone. Everyone says he’ll be back within a few weeks because he did this out of his depression. I don’t know, and I don’t know if I ever want him back into my life. I so sad, destroyed. It’s never been this hard to heal my broken heart. Most probably because of the heavy months of depression prior to his living.
    He said he used to love me somehow, but this new woman is all he ever wanted. Which is strange because he always told me how our relationship incredible, his love for me beyond words.
    I wouldn’t talk him back, he lied and cheated. I couldn’t get intimate after all this.
    But I still love him so much. My parents tell me not to get involved again. I should go on with my life, get strong again and move on.

    • Ting says:

      That’s what they all tell me, go on with my life and move on. But just like you, I still love my depressed ex boyfriend. From what I read and learned about depression, depressed partners believe that this new relationship could fill the emptiness and loneliness they feel inside
      They also think that why would they stay in their current relationship if they’re not happy with it anymore. In short, they blame the relationship for their unhappiness. Somehow, they feel this contributed to their loneliness.
      This is so true with my ex.. Our difference is, he answers me whenever I ask him about what he feels and what he thinks..But he always tells me that I will never find the answer to my questions. I’m still lost in all of this. I hope you have the courage to move on..

      • Andrea says:

        Thank you very much for your reply. Sorry for my typo’s, I was on my phone and auto correct changed a few words.
        He doesn’t blame the relationship, he said it was good from the beginning till the end. But he met the other woman a few years prior to our meeting and she contacted him. He was depressed and it made him happy to get all this attention from someone he used to fancy. She knew he was in a relationship. He said he always loved the way our relationship was but the feelings he experiences with her are all he wants. I knew about her, he told me how they met all those years ago. But they lived in different countries and well, she now lives with him.

        I will move on. I’m seeing a therapist and the crying is getting less and less. I still love him deeply. I care about him, just like you still do.

    • Louise says:

      This sounds like manic depression to me. It sounds like he is in a state of mania where he is obsessed with this new woman and doing reckless things like leaving a longterm relationship and jumping into things very quickly with this new woman. I don’t think it will last with her, mania normally lasts a few months then often a bout of depression follows where he may want to return to the comfort of your relationship but I would say do not take him back if he does return as the same will happen again unless he gets help (lithium to stabilise mood and therapy too) if he doesn’t this will continue. I dated someone for 5 months with bipolar and was with him in his state of mania (I only know that now) where he spent LOTS of money on us I assumed he had but soon told him not to (suggested walks, cycles etc that are fun and free), booked BIG holidays, bought a motorbike, wanted to move in, get married, start a family despite having 3 children to 2 other woman. He was all about me and him, completely full on and so intense and then all of a sudden, I’m not strong enough for this relationship with everything else in my life, I can’t cope, I’m struggling, you deserve better and haven’t heard from him since (2 months) x

  22. Ting says:

    My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 4 months ago. I think he’s depressed. He dumped me as his girlfriend but says I’m still his best friend. He said he’s not happy and feels so alone, doesn’t see any future for both of us. He said he’ll never find someone who can really make him happy.

    My bf parents separated when he was still a child. Both his parents remarried. He grew up jumping from his mom’s house, to his dad’s house, to his grandparents house. I think he has abandonment issues which stemmed from his childhood. Depression also runs in his family because his Mom tried to kill herself before. He also has issues with his past relationships. His wife doesn’t want to give him annulment (no divorce in our country). He doesn’t have the financial capability to pursue the annulment. He hates his work now but couldn’t resign because he needs to pay his bills and all. I am no doctor but from what I read, the symptoms he has and his background, I really think he has depression.
    I supported him all those 7 years, all aspects. That’s why I was really hurt. But because I think he has depression, I still try to understand what he is going through. In fact, I’m trying to accept the friendship he is offering even it hurts so much.
    I’m just so confused. He admits that he is so scared to grow old alone but then again why did he leave me.
    He can be friends with me but not see me as his girlfriend. We talk on the phone sometimes. We go out for a drink sometimes. We cry together. And I agreed to be intimate with him again. It’s such a roller coaster ride. I don’t know where I stand. Although, he tells me that he wishes me well and that I find someone who will reall love me.

    I am confused. Or am I just in denial?

    • Bre says:

      I think youre in denial love. It sounds like he’s using you as a crutch and is manipulating you. I know its hurtful but satisfying his needs while neglecting your own will lead to more heartbreak.

  23. Chantel says:

    I can’t tell you how everyone’s comments help. I am not alone. Our stories are so similar. My BF of almost 2 years just shut me out. In the middle of January we had a difference of opinion about me spending the night at his house with his 22 year old soon there. He couldn’t understand that I didn’t feel comfortable. He basically cut off all communication with me, wouldn’t answer texts. I didn’t try to call as he said he wouldn’t answer. This went on for a week. He finally answered me and we spent the next 10 days like normal. We had been looking at houses together. Then all of a sudden he stops texting and calling. I called him on the 7th and that’s when he told me that he is in another bout of depression. He has suffered for years, does not take medication, has seen a counselor, and had a suicide attempt over 10 years ago. We made plans to see each other that weekend. Friday afternoon he cancels. I knew that it was depression and that I needed to give him space. He said we’d see each other the next day (Saturday). Needless to say, we didn’t. He never contacted me. I didn’t hear from him until Valentine’s Day when I sent a text saying I ❤️U. He sent back ditto. I took that as a good sign that I was reaching him. Nothing for 3 days until he sent a text telling me he had something that he had ordered for me. He ended up leaving it for me at my work. I called him to thank him and we talked for an hour. Started out normal but changes to the situation. We talked about a lot of things that have been going on and what I’ve learned about myself in this. He also told me that I had made him want to leave by snapping at him and changing my mind about wanting to participate in swinging. No, not dancing, but partner swapping. I don’t want to do it but had kept an open mind in the beginning. Now I’m starting to wonder if this is just an excuse to back out of a relationship where he is afraid I’ll leave. I realize that depression makes men want to do things to feel something, which is what I think the swinging is about. I can’t help but wonder if he comes back, if I should end things. We never broke up, I have stuff at his house and he at mine. We are both in our 50s. I love him and I want to support him, but his behavior is not good. Is this just depression or does it go deeper? I truly feel for all of you. I have run the gamut of emotions from hurt to mad. Now I’m realizing I hold the power, not him.

  24. Kate says:

    My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs, as all marriages do, but always loving each other, loving our children, loving our life that we’ve built together. About 10 years ago, an entire slew of life events came and changed the dynamic of our entire family…my husband’s father died (his best friend), he became estranged from his only sibling, the business that he had built was no longer viable, and to top it all off a medical issue was brought on that kept him pretty much bed ridden for close to 6 months, with another few to recover following a surgery after that. All of this has completely changed his life and his focus, but I have stood by his side ever minute, never once wavering my support of him or of our family. I take care of absolutely everything regarding our family and household demands, while giving him room and space to “figure things out.” Inside I’ve become so resentful of the fact that I’ve done all of this for him, and even though he knows it inside, doesn’t often give me the credit that is due. He has completely withdrawn from any intimacy with me, to where I rarely get a kiss as he walks out the door, hugs are unheard of, and you’d think sex was a deadly game to play. This is tearing me apart. I know he’s depressed. I’ve tried to get him in therapy, something which he “doesn’t believe in” and “doesn’t think it will help” him, but begrudgingly he went a few times. Apparently he doesn’t need a therapist to tell him what’s wrong with him, he’s completely aware of all of his faults, and why he is the way he is right now. He’s tired of me trying to “fix” him by telling him he needs to talk to someone, but at this point I’m starting to break down. My kids are the only thing that keep me going and it scares the hell out of me that my oldest will be gone in a few years. I’m not quite sure how much more time I can give him to figure things out…when I confess my feelings to him, they’re never taken seriously, I can almost always feel an eye roll as I speak. Obviously he has been through trauma, but I’m supported him unconditionally and loved him through it all only to be shit on in the end.

  25. Sue says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me on January 20, 2018. I never even saw it coming. He behaved that day as normal texting me throughout the day to check in. Just regular stuff. When he got to my house later to hang out he sat down for conversation about what we had done during the day and then broke the news that “he can’t do this anymore” and that he is not in love with me. We were only 2 weeks away from the two year mark in our relationship. He had told me early on that he had dated a woman for two years and had to rip off the bandaid when he felt they had become bored like an old married couple and that the relationship was just focused around their kids. He felt two years was enough to know whether he wanted to commit. As we neared our two year period I felt that what we had was strong and still exciting at least to me and felt very confident that such a fate was not possible for us as I thought he valued me and our closeness. Anytime I voiced any insecurities he firmly said I was over analyzing and that he was in it for the long haul. He had told me at the start that he wouldn’t be able to take any major steps until his daughter had graduated college which would be 5 years from then. I was ok with that since I wasn’t in a rush and not planning to have children. So when he made his announcement that day that he no longer wanted to continue, I was in great shock. It just felt like a bad dream and I never saw it coming. I could barely think straight and couldn’t collect thoughts enough to respond much except express anger and sadness. I told him I had trusted him and opened myself up to him. He said he loved me but was not in love with me and wasn’t able to take it to the next level with me or maybe ever with anyone. Later in the week I texted him to ask why he didn’t at least let me know this earlier on when he first started feeling this way so I could at least decide if I wanted to continue. He didn’t respond to that but did say his heart has been absent lately and both of us deserve to be happy and never meant to hurt me and that he was truly sorry.
    That was 1/28 and I have not made contact since then and do not intend to at this moment although have considered it. But since then I have been thinking about what has changed with him in the past 6 months or so. It is that he had become tired all the time, expressed that he has no motivation, just wanted to go home and lie on the couch and watch tv. He was constantly upset over his daughter ‘s demands of him, lack of gratitude for all he does, and her threats to drop out of her prestigious college and move to LA. He also had many sleepless nights , a sudden change to his job role, lack of appetite, high college bills, weight gains, little regard for his health, no exersize, no sex drive, irritated over minor things or anger while driving, constant upset stomach, colds that go on for a long time and ear aches. When he had a cold, he didn’t sound like it to me. He also said he thinks his ear hurts but isn’t sure. This actually was on the morning he broke up with me. I was wondering how do you not know if your ear hurts.
    I kept telling him over the past several months that he needs to stand up to his daughter and let her know who is in charge and take care of himself before he runs himself into the ground. It didn’t matter what I said because he never followed my advice but continued to complain. I never knew much about depression and did not know that what he showed me were signs of it. I just thought he was just not good at coping. I grew up with a mother with mental illness but hers was much different than how his depression looked so it wasn’t recognizable to me.
    His daughter reaches out to me and let me know she wants to continue to have me in her life and that she loves me. This made me happy to hear and she does continue to be in touch, but I’m not sure how it will go.
    Only after we broke up did it occur to me to look up depression and learn about it. And now finding this website I see so many others have experienced something similar with a SO who suddenly terminates the relationship without warning or much signs. I had been telling him that he needs to start making changes to improve his health and how he deals with stress because it is affecting our relationship. I told him he has been stressed most of the past 6 months or so every time I see him. He had said near Christmas that he was so tired of taking care of the dog that he was ready to give him away. He loves that dog. Later as it turned out I was the one who got cut out.
    He was very excited and expressive in the beginning. He expressed his love for me within only the first month or so. We went on 2 trips abroad and another in the US within the first year and a half. He already appeared very loving and devoted to me. It’s just so confusing to me. He had a really awful first marriage where his ex wife cheated on him and tried to take their daughter to the other side of the country. He fought and obtained full custody and raised her alone. I know all of this has left deep scars. He just got to this stage of life where she reached 18 and he could congratulate himself for doing it alone. He had been so happy for a while. His reason for letting me go was so he could focus on himself as he said he is a mess.
    I never would have thought he would do something like this and it makes it very hard to trust someone again.
    I don’t know if he even realizes he is depressed and should get help for it. He hides it well to people on the outside. I thought about contacting him to tell him to get help but family tells me I should just let him go as he was willing to hide it from me and cut me off and that I should just focus on taking care of myself now. I got so close with his family too as he included me in all of their gatherings which were frequent. It’s a huge loss that is heartbreaking in so many ways.
    That this occurred is very frightening to me. It is amazing to see so many other similar stories and knowing about this disease gives me comfort in understanding what he may be going through and why he had to break up. From what I read I know that a depressed person can’t connect to feelings much anymore and maybe that would explain the “not in love feeling” he expressed. I am grateful to read these articles and the many stories of people who have dealt with something similar and how they managed.

  26. Billy says:

    I found this article to be very helpful. My wife and I have been happily married for 19 years, then 4 months ago it was like a switch went off and she has been depressed since. We were so in love, now she says that she doesn’t love me anymore and thinks of me as more of a friend. She has told me that she has even considered divorce, which 4 months ago she said that she didn’t believe in divorce and that she would always try everything before it got to that point. She has been pushing to move out the last month, leaving me and children, which is completely unlike her. I was able to convince her to see a therapist and she has start taking medication, I have seen a lot of improvement in the last two weeks. But every night I am afraid that even if she gets better, she will have to room left in her heart for me.

  27. lew says:

    I’m so thankful to have found this article. My partner of 8years turned around to me 2 weeks ago and said that he didn’t want this anymore and that he needed to be on his own. Totally on his own. We’d lived together for 5years at his parents house and were due to move out into our own home this year. Now he says he wants to get his own flat to just be totally on his own, away from everyone. I’m devastated. We’ve had a really tough year due to an unexpected health condition on my part but we were pulling through it together and we’ve not taken the time to work on us due to the stresses of everything else. I’ve suffered with depression myself in the past and know the signs pretty well. He’s throwing everything away. Not just me, he applied for a really big promotion at work and is due to hear about it soon and now he says he doesn’t want that anymore despite it being all he’s spoken about and strived for for as long as I can remember. He’s due to run the London marathon this year and now he’s saying he’s giving up his place because he doesn’t need the pressure of worrying about having to go for a run on a night when he’d rather sit in and have a beer and until now he’s been so psyched for it, it’s something he’s always wanted to complete and achieve. He’s unrecognisable and it all came to a head all of a sudden. I have no doubt the pressures of everything have got to him but he won’t admit what’s going on. He won’t admit that there’s anything wrong because he doesn’t see the change in his behaviour, in his actions or in himself. We’ve come too far and achieved too much together to give up on everything and I’m determined to be there for him whenever he is ready to talk, I just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so worried that his parents don’t see it and let him go on his own and the potential spiral he’s then going to hit of being on his own more and more. I just don’t want him to do anything serious, I couldn’t live with that. He’s just pushing me away and can’t explain any other reason why.

    • Samantha says:

      I know it’s been a while, I hope you see this. Do you have any updates? And how are you doing now? Your story sounds remarkably close to mine, even down to him really wanting this promotion at work and then turning it down when it was offered to him. That was right before he broke it off with me after 5 years through a text. It’s been a month and a half now and I miss him so much. I’m constantly in pain and I feel so desperate. Anyway, I hope to hear from you <3

  28. WB says:

    We are enageged to be married this year but my fiancé left the apartment today. He said he needed to be at his parents’ house. He left his keys so I am not sure if he is coming back. He’s been battling depression since he was a teenager. He had a difficult childhood and those episodes from his childhoold still resurface once in a while. When he is not depressed, he’s very affectionate, sweet, loving and sincere. I know he loves me but he hates to see me sad when we’re having this issue. He says he doesn’t know what to do anymore to make me happy. He thinks his love for me is not enough. I am only a human and the depression sucks the energy from both of us. We had a fight last night and he tried to hurt himself. I talked to him and he agreed to talk to a counsellor today. On the way home, both of us were quiet. I didn’t want to start any cover station Because I didn’t want to upset him. When he’s mad, he drives recklessly and it terrifies me. He dropped me off our apartment and said he had to stay at his parents house. I don’t know if he is coming back. I love him and this breaks my heart.

    • GC says:

      Hi there WB,in in the exact same situation as you right now and I’m losing my mind.what was the outcome of this?I hope it’s positive and I hope to hear from you.

  29. Jessica says:

    Recently my relationship with my partner of 3 years has just completely fallen apart. He revealed his depression to me on New Year’s day stating he wasn’t happy for months. Had felt suicidal and wanted to move on. We talked and cried and confessed how much we loved each other; we had planned our whole lives together. He took some time and slept at his parents for a few nights saying he needed to think what he was going to do. His moods are up and down, as are mine. I didn’t understand what was going on. I feel like I failed him as a support. I would cry and get upset. I felt abandoned and discarded. Two days ago he decided ending this was the best for his health. Saying goodbye we still confessed how much we loved each other, and I said I knew and understood why he needed to take care of himself before we could work on us. I’m so scared and so sad he will get better and never come back. I’m scared he’ll never seek treatment. I’m so lost in how I feel. I wish I was there to support him through it. That he would of let me be there. I feel like I’ve failed him. I know I’m supposed to go on living my life. But it’s hard. My place is a half empty shadow of what was, and I don’t want to change or touch anything because I’m afraid to move on. I read these posts about people’s partners coming back and remembering their love and I hope so much that happens for us.

    • P P x says:

      This is exactly the same position I am in. My boyfriend of 3 years (my soul mate) has just left. His business has failed and he has gone from a very successful career to being super skint and with in his mind no option. He has slowly over 6 months drifted away, the loving touchy person just wanted to be left alone and hide away with no touch. I had done everything to help even letting myself come second. Last week he admitted he was miserable about everything in life he loves me but he couldn’t see a future with me or a future in anything. Everyone is shocked – I am totally at a loss to me he is the person I’m meant to be with but he just isn’t him at the moment. After trying hard to make him see I’ve accepted I need to give him his space and let him go with hope he will realise. He is emptying his stuff out of our house this week.
      I just hope he does sort himself out and realise what he is doing. Has anyone had this experience ? Do they come back, do they realise ? or does depression take then over.

      • Ama says:

        Hi PP

        My boyfriend of five years ended our relationship due to undiagnosed severe depression, severe anxiety and PTSD. I tried to be there for him in the months after he realised he was depressed, even when I founf out he slept with someone else the week after we broke up. He went on meds and to counselling but over those months he would pull me in and push me away. He had pulled away from me long before our relationship ended and was very cold and hostile towards me. I drew a line six months after the breakup. I had put all my energy into him and his needs and I ended up in a really bad place and neglected myself, which is so easy to do when you love the person and are so worried for them. He did realise it, the counselling helped him to see his issues came from a very traumatic childhood (something I always knew) and he begged for me to come back, he told me all the things I always wanted to hear but never did. For me, it came too late and the damage was done, I couldn’t imagine trusting him to not do it again. So the answer is yes he could come back to you but you won’t know how you’ll feel if and when he does. I was constantly told to look after myself by others who cared for me, I didn’t listen, I was too devastated by it all and felt selfish when I thought of his suffering. But my advice would be to do what I didn’t, do take care of yourself. Maybe if I had stepped away and hadn’t taken the brunt of his depression I would have felt differently when he did come back. It’s a horrific position to be in and my heart so goes out to you, but please give some energy to yourself in all this, or it will wear you down and burn you out. Sadly I’m back in this position with a new partner, but this time I didn’t panic and rush to try “fix” it, I’ve stayed away to give myself the time to decide if I want to even chance this road again

        • S says:

          Hi Ama,
          My boyfriend of 2 years left me in January. I didn’t realize he was depressed but knew he had been very anxious over different things in the prior 6 months. I always thought I was his support through it all so the breakup was unexpected. I also avoided subjects that would bring him down or get him upset. Looking back now I feel he had been depressed and anxious and I was always his rock but not really fair to myself. He basically dropped off the face of the earth since breaking up with me. He barely responded to a couple of texts I sent in the first month after the breakup. I haven’t contacted him since then as I feel it would be perceived as begging him to come back and I’m not sure that’s what would be best for me. After reading these posts it seems like a very difficult life to stay with someone who is depressed. It’s so difficult though as I still struggle with missing him every day. It was a great relationship other than the anxiety episodes. I still cry sometimes. I am talking to a counselor and focusing on me and moving forward with my life but I don’t know how long it will be til I will be able to date again. My heart is still with him despite feeling like he threw me away. One day at a time I guess. I feel strongly that he did love me too but the illness has taken over him and he is no longer the same person that he was. And like you, if he comes back I don’t know that I would trust this wouldn’t happen again. I don’t want to go through it again. I can’t imagine how you must feel being in a similar situation again. You are right to focus on yourself. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.

          • Ama says:

            Hi S

            I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s very difficult for the person experiencing the depression but being the collateral damage of it is just as hard. I read so much about it and honestly when I told him I didn’t want to communicate anymore that’s when reality sunk in for him. As hard as it is (I got a very long email recently that basically said I’m the love of his love and he can’t reconcile what he did or put me through) I just can’t believe that it wouldn’t happen again at some point or that we wouldn’t fall back into our old ways of not communicating. Taking care of yourself is a very vague notion, I didn’t know how to do it, I’m not sure I still do, but you are right to not put yourself in the position of more hurt. You are not the cause and you certainly don’t need to take the brunt of it given what you’ve been through. I hate being back in this position, although this person is very different to my ex, it seemed a much healthier relationship and he got overwhelmed by his issue and sadly did what so many men do and that was to react impulsively and run away. I haven’t made contact but am in no man’s land because I feel stuck, I care for him deeply but i don’t know if I can face putting myself through the heartache again

          • S says:

            Ama, thanks for your response. Yes I agree with you about not wanting to put yourself through heartache again at least if you can control it somewhat at this point. This for me has been the most painful experience I can ever remember having and still deal with daily. And it’s still somewhat early on in the process.ive been reading all the posts here and on the depression fallout site . It seems there are no easy solutions and it’s hard to know what the best approach is for moving forward. Just reading the posts has soothes me when feeling sad as they remind me its a serious illness. This helps me to accept the losses and to continue to let them sink in. I lost him but at the same time lost his daughter from my life and all of his family who I was also close to.
            I’m regard to taking care of yourself , what’s working for me is finding a balance in spending time grieving and making changes in my life as well as spending time with friends and family who are supportive.
            I hope that whatever you choose works in favor of the best possible outcome for you.
            Take care.

          • Helle says:

            I am surprised by how many people were dumped by their depressed ex boyfriends.
            When the depression is involved in a relationship, the situation becomes way more complicated. You even don’t know if it’s really the depression or other factors caused them want to leave the relationship. People usually are more tend/willing to believe it’s the depression which will actually make ourselves more suffering. If we agree to break up, then we feel we dumped someone depressed although we are actually the ones who were dumped at the first place. If we don’t and still trying to help, then we feel like an idiot by being ignored/rejected all the time. So the best thing for our own mental health is trying your best to move on and take good care of yourself before you’re capable of/strong enough to deal with him. What is meant to be, it will be. We cannot control other people, but at least we can manage ourself. I have been suffering a lot myself in the past 4 months, I am trying my best to go over this breakup, I keep on seeing therapist and going out and focusing on myself. I know it’s hard, but I know that’s the right thing to do if I want to continue my own life without suffering more and more with him. Life is too short to suffer with someone who doesn’t want to be with us for no matter what reasons. Depression should not be a valid reason for them want to leave us if they truly love us, instead they should open to us and face/go through it together. I really don’t believe in ”if I love you, I would let you go so you won’t suffer with me”.
            Hope everyone here in the similar situation will find a way going through this harsh time. I can totally feel how everyone feels. It’s super draining and heart broken.

  30. Shell says:

    Ive gone through this depression withdrawal twice now.

    6 years living together. Last year my partner withdrew. The depression was terrible, crying shaking, paranoid and drinking heavily. He was also shaking. He blamed me hid from me but came back said he pushed me away to protect me from what he was going through.

    3 weeks started again its ruined christmas other people have witnessed the anger, crying the saying hes scared whats hsppening yo him. This time drinking benders over christmas. He wont seek help and has been gone a week
    This time im suffering terrible. I have now choose to cut him of. Agsin has a get out to stop at family members. This man needs to realise running of isnt solving the otoblem but makes it worse. Im hurt and angry.
    Its not all about the depressed person we need support and love also. The drptessed seem to have willing relatives who aud this behaviour.

  31. Creatives34 says:

    I am in a long distance relationship with a younger man for the last two years. Communication was always an issue as he was very reluctant to express love verbally and came across as cold and emotionless. It was only when we would meet which was after every 3 months or so that he would turn loving and caring which he displayed through physical intimacy or through his actions and those would be very happy moments. He had his distant spells where he would go incommunicado for days or a week or so and could never explain it. Always very lame illogical neither here or there answers which never satisfied me. And then I would doubtwhether he actually loved me at all. These were usually after a tiff or argument about his unavailabity. Financially he was always struggling so plan to meet were always initiated by me. He never seemed eager to do so citing the need to study extensively to clear competitive exams which he is preparing for. After a fight 3 months ago in October where I accused him of being self absorbed and emotionally unavailable and undemonstrative and making me feel unwanted and unloved he withdrew again but this time he started being rude in his replies and very hurtful. As if he was a different person altogether. I was shocked and heartbroken this was not the man I loved but a stranger who now wanted to break up. I was baffled by his replies and complete withdrawal and very broken. After a lot of tortureI started reading up on this behaviour and am firmly convinced he is in depression. He always had bouts of severe headaches and stomach aches. Had a repressed childhood and is under tremendous pressure from his family to clear civil competitive exams and become an officer. He only studies 24x 7. His family sends him a stipend just enough for survival as he had to leave his job to study for these exams.

    He is in denial completely and says no when I try to discuss his depression or problems. He hardly talks to me after that long fight in Octoberand when I initiate contact he is evasive and taciturn. I have tried everything to make him feel better but nothing worked. I feel I have lost him to depression.

    What should I do? Can anyone give me any insight? Will he return to me? I can’t live without him.

  32. Georgia says:

    I have recently moved in with my partner of 7 years to our first family home we are exspecting a baby girl in a months time a week before moving out we were both so so happy but a couple of weeks before moving out my partners dad had a really scary accident which my partner was finding hard to deal with but although all that had gone on still seemed to be happy moving out and so excited about our little girl once we moved out he did mention moving out when his dad needed him most was hard and he was struggling Iv supported him through this as much as I could then a few arguments cropped up which I didn’t Really understand the things he was saying didn’t make sense but I just thought he was lashing out a month after being in our new home his best friend committed suicide it was truly devastating I really tried to be ther and at first he let me but then we stopped talking as much things turned a bit cold but being pregnant and having few complications myself I was struggling I thought with a bit of time we would be ok and then on Xmas eve he left m told me he’s sorry he tried but has no feelings for me Iv been totally destroyed by it I love this man so much and am left in total shock how can someone whos been in ur life for so long and been so happy just fall out of love with you in the space of two months I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know what to do I have a month before our little girl is due and he’s gone reading through some of these posts make me realise he must have depression it’s the only thing that could make sense to me I can’t belibe this is what he really wants

  33. Lucy says:

    Thank you SO much. My boyfriend left me because depression was making him feel less in love. We both didn’t understand it, and that caused a couple of arguments. He says the doctor has told him he’s got better, but he’s either associating me with the sadness so much that he’s scared of getting back, or he just doesn’t want me anymore. What do you think I should do?

    • Jessica says:

      Lucy I can’t offer you any advice. Only that I just began going through something similar. My boyfriend, or ex boyfriend…don’t even want to put a name on it…just left me to focus on himself and his health. And how can I blame him right. He hasn’t gone to a professional that I know of. Before he left I begged him to go. I fear the same things. That once he’s better he won’t love me, wont want to come back. I feel just as lost, but it’s somewhat comforting to know I’m not alone in this

      • Lucy says:

        I’m sorry to hear that jess. I think you need to keep in touch with him, just to keep it friendly. It’s not your fault at all, he just feel like he needs to ‘escape’ (depression makes you feel like that), and he’s trying to do that by leaving. Really, this doesn’t help his situation, and you want him to stop thinking it does – that he’s ‘fine without you’… even though he would be even better WITH you. You could gently try and explain that you understand how he feels, but you’re worried about him understandably, as you’ve found out depression thrives in loneliness, and that you know how you could help. Be gentle, as he’s fragile. Say you can be there at his own pace, and if he starts getting annoyed, step back, as you don’t want to make it worse by building up tension. I know you want to up the time of recovery, but even when following these steps it is still slow, as I have found out. You’re doing the right thing by coming here. I wish you all the luck in the world xx 🙂

  34. Sheila says:

    It’s nice to read this and know I’m not crazy that I’m not just in denial making up excuses to what I want to believe but it’s still so hard. I’ve been on this bipolar coaster w my boy for over four years now and I wish I could just get off of it and go on with my life. I could’ve taken the easy way out any time and been w any number of guys that would actually love me but for some reason my heart just can’t let him go even if he’s shown me time and time again that he can just throw me away any time. And now he’s shown me that while I can’t even handle another man being too nice to me or the thought of being w someone else, he can just move on b w some other girl and give up on me and our daughter. Over the four years he has gone off and on medication and anytime he goes off some little thing sets him off and he runs away, says he needs to fix himself, and Ive always been supportive and made sure he knew I understood and was here for him. This last time I told him that i wanted him to actually finish fixing himself before he comes back to me. Decide what he wants to do w his life and who he wants to b and what’s important instead of just running back to me as a reaction to his parents pissing him off or something like that. Instead of finding himself he found another girl to distract him to be his salvation and place to run away to (she lives in a different state). It’s seriously killing me not knowing where he is or if he’s okay and he’s off his meds so it’s like there’s no possibility he will remember he loves us. That’s what happens, he gets in these moods and it’s like he forgets the great life we had that he has and he gets it in his head that I’m what’s keeping him from being happy when really the only time he’s ever been happy was when we were a family. I’m trying so hard to just live my life and not let it bother me. Whether he’s in it or not I have an amazing life but I’m having such a hard time just giving up on him.

    • Jasonm says:

      I was only with my ex for four months and didn’t know that she had this, I just figured she didn’t like me anymore, even if the day before she disappeared she told me how great I was to her and that she loved me. This was the end of November. About 3 weeks ago I was reading an unrelated thread and came across a simular article and I was just shocked as to how many symptoms she displayed including the weird things she said in a text that didn’t make any sense. Now I can’t even be angry or annoyed as I’ve read that it’s the illness talking and in answer to your question, apparently sometimes they blame they’re SO for everything and think that if they find someone else that will make all their problems go away, but always realise how much it wasn’t that and always regret the decision to lose you very quickly, Well that’s only what I read I hope that might give you hope, although I think you could still find happiness in the future because your a great and strong woman. PS now that I’m not angry I would like to see her again. Maybe she will remember that I was a great guy for her even if it was short lived.

      • Louise says:

        Jasonm, I’ve just been through the same thing as you. It sounds to me like you got your girlfriend in a state of mania as I did my boyfriend. I was shocked but stupidly enamoured by his intense feelings for me, he professed love within a week, wanted to movie in, get marrried, start a family despite 3 children to 2 other woman, booked NYC after 3 weeks, bought a motorbike, spent thousands on clothing and cycling stuff for us, dinners in expensive restaurants and all of this when he was unemployed but told me he had redundancy money. It got to a point I told him to stop spending and he didn’t like that so I told him just stop spending on me then and didn’t like that either but I was concerned as he was struggling to find work and didn’t know how much redundancy money he had! It was a whirlwind relationship then the depression hit where he said if it wasn’t for the kids he’d kill himself. I’m sure he wasn’t cheating on me as spent ALL his time up until the last week with me. I also found out from a friend that 1.5 years ago he was using company credit card for counselling which they allowed but also to purchase over £1000 worth of alcohol in various bars (probably dating and trying to impress woman) and obv in a state of mania then too as not normal behaviour. He also had bad debt then and was forced to use bonus to repay and redundancy money paid off trust deed which he did tell me about. Another mania state was getting vasectomy reversed (a lot of money) after 2 months with someone to start a family and a year after she was born he left. They are not good with money or relationships. I am so glad I found out quickly what I was in for. Bullet dodged.

        • Martha says:

          Same here, everyone. Mine was a long-distance relationship, 5 months. We saw each other for one week, and were about to meet right about now (had plane tickets, hotel, everything), but he ended things about 2 weeks ago because he was depressed (he had some health issues, that’s true) and everything “just seemed impossible.” I think I met him in a manic state. We started writing to each other, and it was very intense. Then we talked and Skyped, and it was even more so. He professed love very quickly, said I was “the one,” “I was the real thing,” even before meeting in person. He was totally confident we would make things work. He even introduced me to his friends over Skype, and got us invited to their place in the summer. And when I went to see him, he planned this over-the-top birthday celebration for me, amazing gifts, romantic dinner, everything very expensive, etc. He even said to be close, we should probably get married.

          And then… some bad health news (but not fatal) and he started avoiding me. Within a week he broke up because he was depressed, isolated, felt anxious, and just couldnt’ handle things. I think it’s very traumatic for those of us on the receving end.

          • lostartist says:

            hi. i’m curious what happened to your story?
            I’m the same, perfect guy, short lived, we really were that good that people started telling him I’ve been the best one in 5 yrs. he has a health scare too. He just broke up with me a few days ago, saying “he can’t see anything developing into anything substantial” and before his depression he was the one consistently telling me that he sees me in his future.
            and days before he broke up with me, he texted me that his home, sad and missing me.

            I’m so crushed. I haven’t reached out for 3 days.

  35. Chiara says:

    Thanks for this article it describes exactly my current situation. My partner of 20 years is shutting down completely, even ask me to leave house during emotional outbursts.
    I tried to go to several therapists. After following the suggestions of a very expesive psychiatrist. ….that suggested to act normal and going on with my life..i had to call 911 because he got super upset with me and started throwing my things outside the house. So, I changed therapist! !
    i even got an apartment, but i cannot make myself leaving him completely. We have 2 dogs that I love , the dogs love each other One is his dog , but I am his mommy…
    because of is depression he doesn’t take care of her very much. He doesn’t pet her or take for walks I am still doing that..
    I don’t know if he sees the struggle that I am going through..he is in denial about his depression and blames everything on me ( but he cannot specify what i did wrong..)
    Cannot leave..

  36. Tracey says:

    Hi, I am so glad I came across this forum. I am in a really difficult situation and I don’t know what to do.

    I was only with my ex for 6 months but we fell for each other very quickly, and I was his first relationship since his second marriage failed 2.5 years before (by the age of 40).

    He was the most loving and attentive boyfriend I ever had … even on the day he broke up with me, so to say it was a shock is an understatement … none of it made sense and I’ve spent 3 months going through everything … and the penny finally dropped … I think he’s suffering with depression!

    There are lots of signs, he has said various times that his head is always a mess, that he is a negative person and he struggles with confidence, emotions and feelings. As these were said at various times throughout the 6 months I didn’t think anything of it.

    Then came the breakup. He was really upset saying he was throwing away something amazing, but I deserved better than him. He said it was such a tough but he had to put me first. We saw each other a few days later and he just kept saying that he didn’t know if he has made the right decision but he had to be for my sake and he couldn’t risk hurting me again.

    He said he’ll never get over how much he hurt me and family.

    Like you said, I wish he had of cheated so I could away but his reasoning made it really hard for me to accept as he clearly cared and his actions and feelings didn’t seem to tally.

    We split 3 months ago and had contact for the few weeks, but then he cut contact. He didn’t reply to messages but after about 1.5 months did reply saying we had to cut contact so we didn’t drag it out for either of us. We eventually had a call and spent an hour where I was trying to get him to see me. He was indecisive but eventually said no as he couldn’t risk hurting me again.

    None of it made sense, then this morning it finally came to me. I think he suffering with depression after 2 failed marriages and he doesn’t want to hurt me.

    The issue I’ve got is he may not know this or if he does he hasn’t admitted to me. I really want to contact him and ask him if he thinks he may be suffering with depression, but I don’t want to come across as insensitive. If he is I want him to know I’m there for him.

    Help. I would really appreciate some advise

    • S says:

      Hi Tracey,
      I similarly didn’t recognize signs of depression until after my ex broke up with me. At the time it was shocking since we never fought, and he still was attentive even to the last day. I never knew much about depression so it took me time to put the pieces together. It’s been 4 months now and I sent him an email last week just to let him know I realize it’s depression even though he hid it from me and that I hope he is getting help. There was no response which I kind of expected but it felt good to say it to him because he needs to realize that it’s been so painful for me and that I care. I’m not reaching out again though since he is ignoring me. It’s really hard but I don’t deserve that. I know he is doing what he feels is best for me. But it’s so sad.

  37. Kaan says:

    We lasted for 3.4 years. A week ago, he broke up with me. Before that, he asked for space.. twice in two weeks. He felt lost. And sorry for trying again to work our relationship. He didnt want me hurting. He was carrying my burdens as well that he hurts more than I hurt for myself.. Im lost as well and I dont know what to do. He is most likely depressed. Everything was going well until he asked for space. I’ve had my faults. And we never saw the future without each other. What do i do? I want to help him.

  38. Marsha says:

    Hey ladies and gents,

    Hard to read all you guys story, especially those that are still going through it or those who went months without a word. This is my second stint with my bf going through a withdrawal. Each time he leaves my house and goes back to his parents during those stints all he does is work and sleep nothing else. On weekends sleeps all day.. I knew he was struggling with depression but it wasn’t until today that I realized the depth. The first time it lasted a month, we did still talk but it was very difficult as I felt abandoned it was a lot of just have a good day and sorry I slept all night. When talking about how I felt all I got was I’m going through a hard time and brushed aside and he would just sleep. I see now that it was the depression taking over. In the end he apologized for what he put me through and explained how he closed himself off from the world and was in a severe depression. He promised to never let me go through anything alone. Now comes stunt two.. this time it’s a bit different.. we were fighting for a few days and he decided he had enough and left.. and that ended up bringing him into a depression.. we would still talk but he was very distant and cold. If I said I loved him he would never said it back and that hurt a lot. Was very cold answers. We still talk but anything I let out my anger or sadness he stays silent. I had seen him one day this week and things went alright I saw a light at the end of the tunnel but then he was suppose to come again and he always was too tired at end of the day so he went home and slept. It wasn’t till today that I googled depression and realized how unaware they are at what they are doing. I am feeling diff about the way I see things now. I’m very glad I found this site and I’m not alone in this. My boyfriend just wants time right now to be independent he says. I know the love of my life is still there but just lost a bit. I apologized to him for pushing him and I’ll try to remain as strong as I can be. We were each other’s everything and told each other we’d never let each other go so ta hard hearing those words and seeing this other person who’s taken over. Thanks for hearing me out

    • Annon says:

      Hey, I have just come across this comment and was wondering how things ended up for you? It sounds very similar to a situation I am going through at the moment. Thanks in advance

  39. Ldd says:

    I met my boyfriend through a mutual friend, however we live in small town and have known each other for a long time. My entire family knows him as well. Anyway he has battled depression all his life. When we started talking he was going through a very painful breakup with his girlfriend. We talked as friends for several months. Then after his break up was completely over (as they were on and off again for a couple months) he contacted me and wanted to talk. He was working through his depression (without treatment) we started dating and everything was great. He has always been open with me about his depression. He would have good days and really bad days. The depression was always there. Ibwas trying hard to understand and be supportive. He has always said that I am the best thing that has ever came into his life and that I have been the only one that he trusts and that I am the only one that truly understands what he is going through. I have endured his moments of withdrawal. However at first I took them personally and would immediately ask him or assume that he just didn’t want to be with me anymore. When undid this he would withdrawal even more but usually a day later we would end up talking and continuing the relationship. He has never told me that he loves me but he has told me he wants to be the last guy in my life and me be the last in his. He also has admitted that he is scares to get attached because he doesnt think he can handle another failed relationship. He says he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He is very much an introvert to begin with. His depression has got worse and about 2 months ago he ask me to goto the Dr with him to get some medication. He has been on med for about 4 weeks. Recently we went in a trip for the weekend. His depression came back full force on the drive home. He barely talked (text) me for an entire week. Just kept saying he wasn’t feeling good. Of course I felt he was just not wanting me anymore so I asked and he was unable to answer. Said it was his mood swings and that if I say with him I’m going to keep getting hurt. That he can’t change, that he hates it and that he just doesn’t want to talk to people, he says that I’m to good of a person to deal with his crap. This hurt me because I love him so much. I waited to reach out to him (Just a few day) I told him I was thinking about him and he did respond with a thanks and he was trying to get through each day. I just don’t know what to do. I want to help him because he is amazing and I love him. Can someone please help me with some advice. At times I feel like maybe I was just a saving grace that got him over his break up but then other times I feel what we had was very genuoion. Is it his depression or should I just give up? Please some advice

  40. John J says:

    This is a very good article and i want to see if anyone has any advise…
    My partner for 2.5 years has ptsd and depression.Everything was great both of us, never had any real problems never even really had an argument. One day i woke up to a text from her saying good morning handsome how did you sleep followed he by i love you so much . a couple texts later she had wrote she wanted to hang out with co-workers, which isnt the problem ,the problem is they are all guys and all thy do is drink in bars or at peoples homes. i proceeded to tell her that would make me a little uncomfortable and she replies with it wasnt a big deal , the next text is what left me speechless.
    she said i cant do this anymore . i asked her why she tells me
    i remind her of her ex boyfriend who was controlling and he did alot of bad things to her .i reply with what do you mean i have never controlled you , never told you not to do something i just said i wasnt comfortable with that.then boom no texts ,wouldnt respond to my texts or calls what so ever,so i told her if thats how she felt i would pack her things ,she finally texts back with ill be there tomorrow. she came to get them and of course i tried to talk to her , telling her if she felt that strongly about it than as long as she was faithful i wouldnt have a problem. gave her 2 dozen roses,told her i didnt want to loose her and i was sorry , she wouldnt respond and left. the day after i text her and she tells me again i was controlling and reminded her of her ex and now she tells me shes scared of me .. people im mind blown i have never even raised my voice to this woman or gave her any reason for her to think anything like that . now im crushed i dont understand so i try to ask her what happened she responds with i just wasnt happy . now any other situation i would of brushed this off but considering everything was great in every department and the night before she told me she wanted to marry me ,reassured me everyday she was really happy . so now im confused ,i ask her how that could possibly be ? she tells me i was controlling again now i feel like there something else or someone else so i ask her is there someone else multiple times in the next couple days. mind you shes not that type of woman she swears up and down theres not . i told her if there is she can tell me and i will have at least some closure , again promises me there isnt and hasnt been anyone else. i pleaded with her to not give up . she told me to move on and that she didnt want me to wait around for her . so i started researching ptsd more because i figured me telling her i wasnt comfortable with her going out with all guys must of triggered something in her head . even wrote her texts and emails only to get 1 word or 1 sentance responses . so i finally called her and asked her to talk . i asked her if i was really controlling (and i knew in my mind i couldnt possibly be) she admits to tell me i wasnt . but she just wasnt ready to settle down . now im shocked again because she was the one who just told me the night prior she loved me and couldnt picture her life without me and asked me to marry her . i get off the phone, text her asking her if theres any way this could be rekindled . she responds with i said you were controlling for a reason . lol now im even more confused the next day .i texted her asking how she was doing she says good how are you like nothing even happened , shows me a picture of a tattoo she got with her co workers then nothing wont respond to me . i write her a 6 page email that had all the good times we had,everything i did for her and tryed to debunk everything followed by some articles of similar situations with ptsd and depression.even told her it was a nice tattoo followed by we can work this out you didnt have to break up over this you brushed it off like it was no big deal , i give them to her . i text her an hour later pouring my heart out once again . i told her i guess ill leave you alone if thats what you really want . she responds with i never said you didnt take care of me ,im so confused now because mind you this was a 6 page email. i havent yet responded because im under the impression she wants me to leave her alone, but at the same time torn because there are thousands of situations down to a t exactly like mine and its all pointing to ptsd .and how something so small can trigger someones ptsd , which i believe was triggered in that last breif conversation of her going out with co workers. its been 9 days scince i seen her and 2 scince we talked im not sure on what to do next?mind you our relationship was absolutly perfect with no problems.what do i do next ?

  41. RH says:

    I know this comment seems so repetitive but it really is relieving to know that other people have seen what I’m going through now and that I’m really not going through this alone.

    My partner of 2.5 years recently just left me, we’re calling it a break for now but I really don’t know if this is going to be just like any other break. I should have recognized from the start, the signs and symptoms for her depression and anxiety and only a couple months back did we start guessing that maybe is clinically depressed. I’ve been trying to hold on, be as supportive as I can and get her the help she needs, but the local therapist is backed up all the way until late November and she hasn’t been diagnosed or anything yet. I’m sure its depression/anxiety, from the thoughts she has been admitting to me and telling me how she feels, and at the same time she’s been struggling with a lot of personal life issues that makes her feel like she’s not good enough.

    It’s amazing, how the highs of a dating someone with a mental illness can be so amazing, and how it can crash all in a second. We literally went from an amazing night out, with dinner, talks, and snuggles at home to getting into a stupid bickering about directions that changes everything. Looking back I just wish that I could have been better, listened to her more intently and maybe just said less, but it’s so hard when you don’t know how they’ll react to anything. Wherever we go from here, I just hope that she is happy, and is doing okay however many years from now people are reading this. Who knows, maybe I’m just that crazy ex and maybe she isn’t actually depressed and that I was just a shitty boyfriend. It’s hard for me to see it that way considering how happy we are when we are happy, and how confident I am in our relationship and how she responds when we talked about it and stuff like that. We’ve had our ups and downs sure, but who knows. For her to all of a sudden tell me that she doesn’t love me anymore, and doesn’t want to bring me down with her is just shocking to me. At this point I’m just ranting in circles.

    Thank you for such an article and thank you for providing a forum for people who have shared this experience to convene.

  42. S says:

    This is the most insightful article I’ve read. It describes exactly what I just went through and my response to it and also how it was received. Yess, my efforts were read as “wanting something” and “making it all about me.” It hurts to see someone you love in so much pain. And it hurts even more when they drive you away.

  43. Ryan says:

    My partner ended our 7 month relationship yesterday and I am heartbroken. Everything was amazing up until 4.5 months into the relationship and she suddenly became very depressed. I have never dealt with this level of clinical depression before and so read books to understand what to do, which I think helped me because I was supportive but stood back a bit more and stopped trying to ‘fix’ her. I learned not to take it personally. She kept telling me “it’s not personal”. So I believed her. But she was so disconnected from me and told me she felt this way about everything and not just me.

    We just had a week away in a lovely retreat for my 40th birthday and I thought things had taken a turn for the better. She was more ‘connected’ with me and seemed brighter. But the night before we were due to leave she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wasn’t sure if it was the depression, or not, and did not think it fair to carry on. She felt so guilty about how she was being was affecting me and she couldn’t promise to get better. Although she did give me the option to carry on because she wanted to see how she felt about me when she got better. But then added so many doubts, the main one being she felt she needed to be on her own to sort out her mental health.

    I feel like I have been tossed around like a rag doll. I’ve spent the last two months being ignored for days on end, then very little communication, then calls which were always short, no connection, but still she told me she wanted me to move to be with her and that she loved me so much and wanted to be with me. I feel like I’ve been pulled in with the most intense, amazing love I have ever known, only to be chewed up and spat out. Part of me hopes she will get better and rekindle the relationship, but the other part of me knows I can’t hope for that. I must let her go and I am so sad. I can’t be with someone who can do this to me, illness or not.

    Her depression is the worst thing I have ever encountered in a relationship. It’s devastating power to turn (what I thought was) the love of my life from a sweet, loving, connected person into a ‘ghost’ has been horrifying to witness and experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Now I’m left to deal with my broken heart and my dreams shattered.

    • bruce says:

      i am going through the same thing except we were engaged and been together for 4 years when i put the promise and engament ring on her finger it was for better or worse times yes i knew she depression but it was just maybe one or two days before this time it’s been 4 months i have given her space and been very patient with her but she says her feelings have changed for me more like friends and before this she was kind and loving person she has basically shut me out yes it hurts we sent texts back and force and i told her if felt like i was braking a promise to her to always be there for her in times like this she says she would better off alone i know depression is illness and that i am afraid that wants i leave her she will see it was a mistake and so i told her to really think about us and i would give her a week and i am going to my moms house over christmas for 2 days and see what happens and if she says we are done then i am moving out and yes if she ever needs i will be there for her she the only woman i want to spend the rest of my life with even after all the pain i been through

    • Andrea says:

      Wow I’m in the same exact situation right now with my boyfriend.. all I do is keep hanging on and he goes up and down and back and forth.. I took the words right out of my mouth I wouldn’t wish this on anyone

    • Kat says:

      I know how you feel. I’ve been going through the same thing for the past 2-3 months. I feel hopeless, she avoids me most of the time, we talk by text on a daily but sometimes feels like she doesnt care, she has said she had been trying to push me away thinking I’ll be happy elsewhere, I asked her to end things if she feels she will be happy without me and she hasnt. I’m trying to be supportive and emphasise the good things about her, that I love her and try to get her to spend a little bit of time with me. I hope we work things out and she gets better, I dont want to lose her.

      • Rose says:

        @Ryan, you said it perfectly: “Her depression is the worst thing I have ever encountered in a relationship. It’s devastating power to turn (what I thought was) the love of my life from a sweet, loving, connected person into a ‘ghost’ has been horrifying to witness and experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Now I’m left to deal with my broken heart and my dreams shattered.”

        I was with my boyfriend for two years and never knew that he suffered from depression. He broke up with me out of the blue and after a lot of talking and crying he admitted to me that he has struggled for a long time with depression and that he was in a very bad place. He told me he had thoughts of suicide and that I couldn’t fix him. He needed to fix himself. He said he needed some space and time and that he promised me he would go talk to someone. I was so confused because we were so in love and still seemed to be but he was pushing me away and I could not understand. I gave him space for about a month, I wrote him a letter but he never responded, and then we saw each other again. He cried and said it was good to see me and that I was beauitful, and that he didn’t know what else to say at the moment. He had he had gotten my letter and cried by himself. We laid in bed and held each other. He told me more about his depression than he ever had before, how it made him feel. He said he wanted me to know he was doing better, that I shouldn’t worry about him. He says he hasn’t been drinking much, but I have reason to believe that’s not true. I’m worried about him drinking and driving, as well as going back to abusing pills. We spent 2 days together and on the third he told me he couldn’t get better with me around, that I’d never understand what he was going through and that if I loved him I would leave him alone. For 2 days it was like nothing had ever happened, we were so happy again together. And then he just snapped, he got angry and would not have a reasonable conversation with me. I’m lost and confused. I know I need to accept that this is what he wants, but it’s just so confusing and hard to understand. I know I’m better off without him, but I love him. Hearing that other people have gone through on this forum makes it a little easier to deal with.

    • S says:

      I am going through something similar. It’s the worst thing that I have ever dealt with. I didn’t see the break up coming at all. He never said he was depressed; I realized it after the breakup. He has not contacted me. While we were together he was always in contact. I don’t understand it at all. I go back and forth between being angry with him for treating me like this and worrying and missing him. We were together 2 years. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had til now. But it’s so painful now that I have anxiety and almost wish it never happened. Can’t believe I’m saying that but reality hurts so much. It’s been 5 weeks now. We did so much together that the memories come flashing back wherever I go. It’s really horrible to trust someone so much and for them to push you away and act like you don’t exist. I trusted the relationship was good and he didn’t give me reason to think a breakup was coming.

  44. MH says:

    My boyfriend of over a year just broke up with me few days ago. He’s very stressed at the moment with 2 of his family members in really poor health. We were in a-month-long break with no communication before we actually broke up. When we broke up he told me that he was still in love with me, but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment, he feels tired and numb and hardly have any energy. I suffer from depression myself and I think he’s experiencing it for the first time. However he’s in denial about it and whatever I’ve tried in the last few days to make him find help just make him angry because he thinks I’m making it up because I care about him. He says he’s just in a rough patch and time and a good year will make him better.
    The thing is I don’t really care if we ever get back together, yes I love him, but I just want him to feel better, even if we are still not together afterwards, because I suffer from it for a long time now and I know how horrible it is, I’d never leave a friend in that state. I know he has to get better by himself, but he doesn’t even admit it! And I don’t ever intend to do the hard work for him, I just like him to know that I’m still supporting him and he doesn’t have to do it alone.
    I’ve been trying to text to ask how he is, and also to make him do the assessment tool hoping that when he sees the results he’d admit to it. Is this the right approach? Or should I listen to him and leave him some time?

  45. Tamsin says:

    I can’t tell you how good it is to not only read of other people struggling with this but also that so many of you are choosing to stick around. I am finding it hard to get support from others around me at the moment because everybody thinks I should cut contact and she is just keeping me as a back-up girlfriend.

    I have stayed very open with her that I am not going anywhere until she feels better because I believe we can work out us once she has worked on herself and she has responded mostly positively to this. But that’s the overall, the day to day is the hardest part. I feel quite hopeless and lonely really.

    • M says:

      Please respond. Did it work? Did she come back?

      I’ve lost years waiting but leaving seems so difficult too.


      • lostartist says:

        Hi M, I’m not Tasmin but in the same situation. I met the most caring man and as soon as he fell into depression (health scare) he became a ghost. disconnected. I gave him space, sometimes we would just see each other 1 weekend in 2 weeks. he consistently said he sees me in his future, than stopped saying I love you to me when I say it. Disinterested in sex, or sometimes even physical contact, stopped bowling (his thing), ate 99% inside his room through uber eats. I was caring, undeniably supportive, understanding and patient. no one else knew what he was going through, he’s an orphan. after almost months of depression, he messaged me that he isn’t really happy anymore, that he doesn’t see anything substantial will develop. and just days before he texted me saying he is missing me. I am lost, my heart is absolutely crushed. we had so much love and positivity and respect for each other. and I don’t know who he is anymore. his words felt like a knife into my heart, and never expect that cruelty from him. he has always been considerate. he sees a meditation therapist but isn’t helping much. he also denies that his depression is giving him body pain, he feels his health is grave.

        I guess what I wanted to say to you, that even you are the most patient, loving person, that depressed person doesn’t see that. their depression makes them apathetic and mostly sees no future. It’s been 3 days since we broke up, I have not texted him again, nor has he. we only exchanged a few mssgs and no cursing or yelling but I know I sounded so pained. and i’m scared to admit he’ll never reach out to me ever again. and im the one with no energy to do anything. on that day he broke up with me, I drank a bottle of wine and smoked a pack of cigarettes (iv’e quit for a while now). I know people here say to take care of yourself, but it’s hard not to feel inadequate, unworthy and plain pos.

        I hope you are hanging on there.

  46. isabel says:

    My boyfriend/ex of seven years left me about a month ago I was confused and hurt, this whole entire time I didn’t realize all the signs of depression until he opened up to me and his mom a few days ago but now idk if I want to walk away or stay and help him because I read similar relationship situations like this and so far it didn’t end up not doing any good for any of them or maybe I don’t have hope it seemed like it ended up never working out and idk if I should just give up at this point or just stay and help him get through this:( I love the guy so much i mean should I really be walking away from this guy and not just any guy but my high school sweet heart and the guy who I swore i would spend my whole life with? I care about his mental health a lot I don’t mind being selfless but what if nothing ever changes within a year and I’m still here waiting for him.
    Idk if he’ll ever get out of this depression I feel like wants your in it its impossible to get out of it what do you guys think. Below there is a text message of him opening up
    “I let you down. I let me down. But more importantly I let us down. I really don’t give a fuck what I say when I am drunk. I know it hurts all the same. I Love You and I know I will never find someone like you again. I tell you all this bullshit about compatibility and blah blah. I want you to move on from my dumbass. But the real reason we aren’t together, it’s become I’m very stressed out and depressed and exhausted. I obviously can make time to go out but it’s to drink my problems away. I push you away every time I’m stressed out. I don’t want my problems to be your problems. My pride is too big for me. I don’t want you to see my struggle because I feel like you hold me to such a high standard and I don’t wanna let you down. I don’t want you to see as less of a man. You’re the perfect girl for me but right now is not the time for me. I don’t want to neglect you so I push you out instead. I rather seem cold and push you out than for me to stay with you and pretend like I don’t care and treat you badly. But that’s the thing, I have no emotions anymore. I’ve become cold. I don’t know what being happy is anymore. You deserve to be happy and when you’re with me, there is no happiness. I don’t want to suck out the beauty in you by being so cold and mean. We may not be equal intellectually but I mean who is really? You’re so much more in integrity and character than I am. Do you throw that in my face? Not at all. So idk why I do it to you. I wish I could treat you like you treat me. I just wanna let you know, that although I don’t show it, I love you and care for you tremendously. I just haven’t been in a good spot for a while. I don’t see me getting any better soon. But you deserve the world, and I can’t even give you a peace of it. I’m sure you will read this, if you even get this, and say it’s all bullshit. But it’s not. You may even respond in a manner in which I won’t be happy with, but I know I deserve it.

    • Kat says:

      Alot of what he is saying in that text is what my girlfriend said to me. I hope I’m strong enough to weather the storm by her side. I give your boyfriend credit for opening up enough to explain why he has been the way he has with you. I can tell you love him, my opinion stick by him but dont forget to take care of yourself as well

  47. EH says:

    Thank you everyone for posting, it brings me a little relief to know I’m not alone in experiencing this grief and anguish.

    I’m sorry to admit that I almost wish he had been cruel, or cheated, or even said the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me”

    Instead it’s silence. A few texts a month ago but nothing since.

    I’ve pleaded for an explanation told him I was struggling and it was consuming, and still this once doting and loving man gave me nothing.

    I’m torn between the reality of his depression and anxiety and managing my expectations and own grief.

    I read that often times reaching out to them can worsen their depression as it makes them feel guilty. Is this true? I love him unconditionally, whether or not he is capable of showing or giving it in return. But the last thing I want to do is burden or hurt him worse. I only reach out every two weeks or so, usually a “think about you, hope you’re feeling better” text.

    Where does this love go? How should I cope? Should I leave him to his own vices? (I should mention he is actively pursuing help, huge issues with meds). And how do I let go without him feeling like I abandoned him (even though that’s precisely what he’s done to me)? Or should I hold on and be patient as I truly believe he’s the love of my life?

    Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Faith says:

      Hello EH, I am sorry you are going through this. I can understand what you mean when you say you almost wish he was cruel and abusive! It is hard when they give you nothing to go on. Does he respond to your messages in any way? Do you know how he is coping with the meds and if he is in therapy? They do communicate when they emerge out of the darkness but before there is not much you can do to make them talk to you. And as you said, if you push it, it will backfire. I truly hope things will improve soon… I am in a similar situation, hoping my (ex) boyfriend will take care of himself and get in touch with me. But he’s given me nothing to hope for…

      • EH says:

        Thank you Faith.

        Yes, it is very hard, but I think I am turning the corner of understanding or at least accepting this is what he is going thru.

        The last he mentioned his meds to me (about 2 months ago) he said they were helping but had him feeling completely unconnected and numb.

        He responded to a text 1.5 months ago, somewhat cheerful and starting a conversation, but nothing since. I have sent him maybe 6 texts and tried calling twice since.

        Its devastating and heartbreaking. And I am so sorry to hear you’re going thru the same thing. I have complete moments of anger– I hate him for doing this to me! How could he?! Does he not love me?! Then like a sea calming after a storm I become still and deeply sad that he’s going thru this, alone, pushing me away. I never let on that Im angry, I don’t want that to hinder his healing or make him feel guilty. Its so hard though.

        I read a quote and adapted it somewhat, I have used it as somewhat a mantra, it helps me. Maybe it can help you too: “If you love someone and they need to heal, you must love them well. Love them without condition, expectation or agenda.” And that’s what I am trying to do. I love him whether or not he is capable or willing to return my affection and feelings right now. And I will fight for him and pray for him from a distance if he needs to walk this path alone.

        In the end, I can only bring peace to myself not anyone else. I hope he finds his way soon and circles back… and I hope your’s does too.

        • Faith says:

          One and a half months…that’s a long time. I am so sorry. It’s been only 3 weeks since our last communication and I am already hopeless…! I don’t know how things are with you but I haven’t known him for a long time. Just five months counting the breaks too. The good days have been few but they were there and I can’t stop thinking about them. What you say about feeling angry then deeply sorry and sad… I am exactly the same. Sometimes I get angry with how he behaved (and I communicated this to him too) and then I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness for what he is going through and for how it makes me feel, and can there ever be an end in sight? I’ve said all I had to say to him to make him see his destructive pattern but can he see it? Will he see it? Will he respond?
          I know you said love with no condition but I am not sure this can be done. And noone has ever done it for me. I just don’t want to be in pain. My friends don’t get why I don’t give up and move on. They think I am delusional and naive.
          Sorry, this is not a great help to you, I am just ranting…

          • EH says:

            Faith– feel free to rant and rave! I feel like that is what this forum is perfect for… a support group of sorts for people struggling with the same thing. And I get friends not understanding. I have a mix bag. They all agree that it is awful, some are angry about it, some are sympathetic. Have you tried therapy for you? I have found it very beneficial in working thru my feelings of rejection.

            Rejection is one of THE WORST feelings. And even though I know that isn’t what is happening, it is certainly a symptom/result/feeling.

            My situation is similar and different. We were together a few years ago for a substantial amount of time. We were madly in love but were young and I had issues to work out. We circled back and things were going great. He was very open with me about his situation, therapy and plan of action. I thought “surely with a deep connection and love like this, we can make it through, I’ll be able to stand by him and support him.” It has proven more difficult than expected.

            At first, it was a few days without contact (a vast change from the through-out the day everyday). Then a week-10 days. Then it was 2weeks. Then 3…. Now 1.5 months. And it felt like in those sporadic contacts that it took everything in him to reach out. I think he simply doesn’t have it in him and is trying to, in some weird way, protect me from the pain. I wish he would just TELL me though. Give me SOMETHING.

            I have immersed myself in reading about depression/anxiety and how to love/support someone who is depressed. And they all say along the same line…. If it is to your emotional detriment, you have to let go. But if you can manage to reach out occasionally with words of encouragement/support, when they “come back” they will remember you were there- that part of the illness is feeling undeserving of love.

            I have resigned to doing this once every 3-4 weeks or so. And perhaps in time, he will circle back. Or maybe Ill let go. I don’t know…. I don’t want to let go. But in the end, I have to take care of me too.

            Google this blog…. It gave me some sort of understanding:
            “Why I push people away and what it means”— Soulsuffering a blog by soulblade

          • Faith says:

            Hi EH,
            It is amazing how many similarities one can find. You always think your situation is unique, it never is though! My ex broke up with me a couple of times saying he is not ready for a relationship, he does not know what he wants and who he is etc. And then he was reaching out again. It took me a while to realize this had to do with depression. The second time he did that we started seeing each other again without talking about a relationship but I could not take the uncertainty and I asked him to decide if he wants to be with me or not. He said he would try to deal with his feelings and think about it, and he finally said that yes, he wants to be with me. I was so happy, I felt it was some sort of victory or breakthrough. We were ok for a month, he did get unresponsive once a week maybe but he would tell me he did not feel well and would rather be on his own and I respected that. I left for a short trip and before I go, we went out for a long walk in the park. It was a beautiful day and we were both happy and relaxed, we had such a good time! I remember I was thinking that things may get better after all. He said we should meet as soon as I come back. And then I came back and he was not feeling well. This time it lasted for more than a week and I was worried and asked him to go to the doctor and discuss his medication. This is how I found out he had stopped taking it! I told him that was not a good idea but did not want to push him too much. After a week he said he wanted to break up because he felt he did not have as strong feelings for me as I had for him, and that he could not reach the stage to say I love you (I had not reached that stage either, by the way. We did not know each other that long so this sounded absurd to me). The funny thing is that during the week that led to the breakup we were in constant contact and I thought at least he is not shutting me out, we will fight through this.
            And now after two months of silence he reached out again sending a casual message. No acknowledgement of what had happened between us. I was angry and communicated this to him. But then I told him that he has to deal with the reason that drives him away every time before we are together again because it hurts too much and I cannot go through it again. I urged him too see the destructive pattern. No response to that. I don’t know what he is thinking. He might be dating other girls for all I know, and I am here, waiting and hoping. I don’t want to reach out again – I’ve said all I wanted to say – but I wish I knew what is going on. And I wish he felt enough about me to try and fight for us.

          • Faith says:

            just one more question: would it be a good idea to show them this site? I was thinking about it but I did not want to come across as preaching or condescending

    • Kelley says:

      I am so sorry you guys are going through this. It is a hurt like no other. I understand exactly what you’re saying wishing he had been cruel or something because atleast then it might make him leaving a little easier to stomach than just disappearing with no contact. My boyfriend left me almost 6 weeks ago and has blocked out every form of communication. I have only heard from his mom who said he gets like this when he feels like he’s not bringing in the money he should be. The day before he left us, he thru text in another room, said he was depressed after I asked what was wrong because I have never in a year and a half seen this side of him. I had no clue he was depressed, he acted normal, happy go lucky, laughing and goofing off with us. The day he got “depressed” that morning he was fine and actually went for a job interview and we knew he had the job. But then all of a sudden in a couple hours time he was depressed and would not speak to any of us. His mom said she has gone thru this with him before, that he was done and he was working on himself. I mean up until the day of he was telling me he loved me and making plans of things to do to our house and outside. I guess I love him so much that his mom telling me he’s done doesn’t really mean much, I guess I need to hear it from him. Im so lost and heartbroken and so are my children.

    • Tiens says:

      EH, I too told my ex I was struggling (which by the way is a huge understatement, I’m dying would be more accurate) and asked her to have mercy on me, could we just chat about lighthearted topics?.. no response. She has refused to talk to me for 2 months now. :'(

    • DH says:

      Hi EH,

      I was reading your messages was like someone was reading my mind. I usually just read articles and comments and never engage, but your story is so close to my heart. Did he ever contact you back?

      I have found myself in a very similar situation. I have not heard from him in a month and a half. I let him know that he is loved and I am there when he needs me. I am worried about him and I feel helpless for not being able to do anything about it. He doesn’t let me move on and at the same time he doesn’t let me be his support. I have done everything I could to show that I care. He has recently moved far away for a job. I flew there for a few days and he never replied or came to see me.

      Any advice?

  48. Alexandro says:

    Sorry about my English, am Brazilian I have a relationship with a girl that suffers of anxiety and panic, after 2 and half years she just dumped me without a real reason I’ve tried to talk and she has blocked me in all social media I love her so much and I really don’t know what to do, now it’s two months separation and am extremely sad with this situation she said so much bad things for me and I really need help to know what can I do….

  49. Dawn says:

    My partner of 5 years finished with me a few weeks ago. I’m completely convinced he has depression …. he was diagnosed about 3 years ago but refused treatment and said he would ‘ deal with it ‘. Thing’s have been mostly ok since then but I’ve seen a big decline in the last year. He works ridiculous hours and is finding it difficult to juggle his time and maintain a relationship. He has another doctor appointment next week but I’m not convinced he will accept treatment as he’s convinced he’s not depressed. His dad was sectioned when he was a child so i think he’s scared. I gave him space and it looked like we’re back on track and then today …. bang … here we go again. He says he shouldn’t be in a relationship and I’m better off without him. I’ve agreed to a trial separation to try and maintain contact as i want to support him and don’t want to lose him either. I’m so confused and feel like I’m on a rollercoaster … one minute we’re fine and he’s lovely … the next he doesn’t know what he wants so i seem to end up the casualty. Do I give him the space and just wait? Am I just kidding myself and giving him excuses? So confused but helps to read these posts and feel less alone in this situation. Feel like i don’t want him to throw us away when life gets tough but equally I can’t be a doormat. I don’t want to give up on him but I’m tired of not getting the emotional support i crave myself. Dawn

    • Bree says:

      Dawn , I am completely living the same situation as you. The only difference is we have been together for 13 years. I am at such a loss what to do. The roller coaster is exhausting. I don’t know if I should be continuing to try and love and support him through all of this even though he is pushing me away or stop being a doormat. So confused and hurt! I am exhausted and not sure how much more fight I have left in me. I have a ton going on in my life as well and I am getting zero support from him. I just don’t understand why they refuse help and would rather just walk away from a long-term relationship… It is so incredibly hurtful. Praying that we both get some resolution soon… Hugs!

      • Dawn says:

        Oh Bree …. sorry to hear you’re dealing with this too. You are not alone. I’m equally exhausted and change my mind regularly. Wish I could switch my brain off sometimes. I’m trying to maintain contact atm to support him and put my feelings to one side. In my head I’ve pretty much decided to try and keep things ticking over on a surface level for now to try and get him to get help. If he does that should hopefully improve our relationship …. If he doesn’t that’s a whole different game and I’m not sure if I can carry on without some emotion back from him. It’s so draining …. feel like I’m walking on eggshells checking every text before I dare send it. Hugs back. Hope we both work this out Xx

    • Cynthia says:

      Dawn, I’m reading through these posts because I – a depressed person – broke up with a partner who had wholeheartedly supported me and who loved me. In fact, throughout our ten-year relationship I left him three times, the last time for good. It’s irreparable, yet it still hurts. So I can understand your partner’s position more than yours I suppose. So I will try to explain to you what goes on. People who are that far off have difficulty with consistency. You think you’re on a roller coaster. But they are too, but they can’t really express it. They would love to have support but feel guilty when they realize they can’t really give and contribute their share to the relationship. If you were to say that you are willing to tolerate their depression, or that you have hope and patience that they will get better, they might feel comforted for a day …but the next day they will want to destroy that “mirror”. In other words, you’ve both acknowledged to each other that he is depressed. Yet for him it’s unbearable to be in a victim role of sorts. … He may yearn for anonymity, a space where he can more easily deny or forget that he has this problem. Furthermore, the notion that “there’s help out there” is a toughy. Is there really?? I don’t know where you live or how he’s insured – but getting an in-depth therapy is serious business and most of the cognitive-behavioral therapies out there are not much more than a pep talk, designed to get people to function. (And there we’re not talking about that whole issue with the meds.) Finding a good therapist is very difficult, affording therapy is extremely costly. You see? So, the fact of the matter is that you are fucked if you’re seriously depressed. Some people make it, and some don’t.

      As for the advice I have for you – be mindful of yourself and of your limits, and know when and if to draw the line. If you stay, know that he may leave you, but he may not. It’s almost like adopting a child who’s been traumatized before. The adoptive parents know they have to make huge emotional investments, knowing that the child may nonetheless never make it, or even choose them as a target. So I suppose you would have to stay for the love of him, for altruistic reasons. But ultimately he will have to heal himself, and very often that is easier to do alone, when single.

      If it’s any consolation: I’m still grateful for what my ex-partner gave to me, although we’re no longer together. So, love continues beyond breakups.

      All the best to you!

      • Ryan says:

        Hi Cynthia, I read your post and found it interesting to read ‘the other side’. I already knew things, like she felt very guilty about how she was being made me feel, because over the 10 weeks I had been very upset, although I had felt like I was dealing with it a lot better, not taking it personally and getting on with it, accepting the level at which she was able to communicate and be affectionate towards me. In fact, the last week we spent together was the best in weeks and weeks which is why it hit me so hard at the end of it when she decided she could no longer carry on.

        What I am wondering is what to do now. In the 5 days since we last saw each other she has contacted me every day. I expect she feels guilty and wants to know I am ok. But she has also sent me messages about she is confused and thinks about me all the time. I have told her we should have no contact, which was actual sheer torture for me to say, but it was after this she told me about her confusion and missing me. On the one hand, she has told me she “thinks” she is no longer in love with me so I tell myself I must let go, cut off contact, be strong and move on and accept it. On the other hand, she has told me things to pull me back a bit and because I am so in love with her I am finding it extremely hard to let go. I know it has only been 5 days but still. I am worried about her. We live 170 miles apart. It’s not like I can pop round and see how she is. Will my complete lack of contact send her lower, I wonder. Should I offer help and friendship? I really don’t know what to do. All I do know is that I am finding the breakup sheer torture and I miss her so much. But I have to remember what she told me and let it go, right?

        A bit more background about her – before this happened 10 weeks ago I would have described my feelings like love “heroin”. Not wanting to use such an evil and destructive drug to describe it but it’s all I could liken it to, the feelings were so powerful and I had never experienced those before. She is able to carry on her job, even though she says she no longer wants to do it. She is also able to live on her own and look after herself. So she is not completely incapacitated by it, although she has talked about it being so bad she would like some time in hospital. We like in the UK and have the NHS but waiting for therapy would take a while and she says she has tried it all before anyway. Also, she has depressive episodes and is not atall like this all the time.

        • Faith says:

          I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with depression: find the right dosage, find the right therapist and have the strength and will power to stick with it and see it through. But if you just remain stuck to how difficult all this is, doesn’t this mean that you give up any chance of improvement? That you admit defeat? That you deny yourself any chance of future happiness with people that truly love you and care about you? If I realized that I had a chance at true love I would do anything in my power not to lose it. That should be the bottom line.

        • Matt says:

          Hi Ryan,

          I’m in a very similar situation to you. My now ex girlfriend (28) has become depressed for a variety of valid reasons relating to a previous divorce, massive change in lifestyle (moved back from Australia to the UK where she has had to live with her parents for a year) and money troubles.

          We were together for a year. We made each other extraordinarily happy and were really strong. I’ve even become her nephews’s godfather.

          In recent months, she’d started struggling. Particularly when I wasn’t around as much when working away. She felt like a burden, a disappointment and like she wasn’t able to be happy on her own. She’d become distant and irritable at times but exceedingly happy at others.

          Long story short, she ended the relationship 6 days ago as she needs to work through this alone and needs to respect herself and be happy in her own skin and she doesn’t feel fit for a relationship.

          I’ve tried to be understanding, supportive from afar and reassuring her that she’s stronger than she thinks. She’s text me every day since the break and has told me every day that she loves me. Yesterday she told me she’s been dreaming about me, woke up very sad when she realised I wasn’t there and missed me. She’s told me on a number of occasions that she hopes this isn’t the end of her and I.

          I’m finding this all very confusing. I want nothing more than to work with her to help her heal and restart the relationship later down the line. But I know she needs space. I’ve not initiated any of the contact, aside from texting to say ‘good luck’ ahead of her seeing a private counsellor. With the other conversations, I’ve tried not to carry them on as best I can.

          I don’t know what to do. For my own health, I need to know if her messages are sincere and genuine or just providing her comfort and she thinks she’s being ‘kind’ to me by saying it.

          I know that me asking anything along those lines risks pushing her away and adding extra pressure onto already troubled shoulders. The other option is to tell her that I can’t do the causal contact and messages of love, but I’ll always be here for her in her hour of need… but I know that could also have the same consequence.

          Ultimately, I love her more than anything. She’s my best friend and love of my life. I want her back, but what’s more important for me is to see her happy and healthy and I accept that may now be without me in her life.

          @Ryan, have you been able to make any progress in your situation?

  50. Jen says:

    I don’t know that my husband is depressed. He’s never been diagnosed officially, but much of what I’ve read on this site, is so familiar especially the anger. He started anger management & individual counseling a little more than a year ago but has been inconsistent at best. A month and a half ago, he did leave. After a small argument, a cancelled trip he was looking forward to (my fault, he says), I came home from work and he said he wanted a divorce because he was miserable and I made him miserable. We didn’t have a perfect relationship, definitely had issues like a really poor sex life, he said I was controlling, and the list goes on and on. I can cop to some of these issues definitely, but he is changing history to justify his anger and leaving. He has said that we’ve tried by going to counseling and that I never made any changes. The truth is we went to marriage counseling at most twice about 8 years ago. He filed for divorce less than 2 weeks after he left, he’s cut off my son (his stepson), my brother (his friend) from his life. Now if the anger was only directed at me and these were the only issues I saw in his life, then of course I would question my perspective, but that’s not the case.
    His mother passed away in ’09. He wasn’t a momma’s boy per se, but she was just such a good woman, she left such a hole in his life. His parents were still married when his mother got sick and their relationship wasn’t perfect but wasn’t horrible either. His father was in Vietnam and suffered from PTSD, was disengaged as a parent and his mother took up the slack. My husband lacked validation and a relationship with his father that seeped from his pores. It is so apparent to everyone. When my MIL became sick, my FIL abandoned her emotionally. She was in in-home hospice and his father took every opportunity to leave the home for errands or whatever so he didn’t have to face the situation. That angered my husband to no end.
    Fast forward 7 years , my husband and his father’s relationship deteriorated so badly that after my husband went to therapy he tried setting up boundaries to protect himself and cut his father out of his life. It lasted about 4-5 months, until my FIL randomly came to our house. I could see something wasn’t quite right that day and previously my SIL and husband had noticed some odd behaviors. They got him to see a doctor and at the beginning of 2017 he was diagnosed with dementia. He says he’s let the past go because he knows his father doesn’t have the capability to deal with their issues. The way he treats his father at times, you know that’s not the case. It’s almost as if his father isn’t sick with the lack of empathy my husband gives to my FIL’s behaviors. Through all of this, my SIL and my husband were constantly in conflict over my FIL’s care. He would call her to yell and scream at her. Then at some point, he might feel guilty and apologize or sweep it under the rug until the next blow up.
    Throughout our marriage, his anger/blow ups have always been an issue. I often would tell him he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. So nice one minute and the next raging mad. He’s had many other family members tell him about his anger, which he either justifies or just doesn’t see.
    Often, I couldn’t wait to come home and see him, only to be let down as he walked in the door with a look of rage on his face – work, frustration at work, or whatever. Now with him leaving, this is all my fault, issues that have gone on a long time and I should have known. He never told me he was miserable. He never said he wasn’t happy and was considering leaving. Had I known, I would have taken steps to work on those issues. I would not have disregarded his feelings. As far as he’s concerned, I am the problem and he needs to get me out so he can be happy. He has a history of running away to avoid problems, but his lack of caring is shocking and not just to me – to all that know him. He is detached and is going full steam ahead with this divorce. I worry about him and with his erratic, angry behavior, I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do. I’m lost.

    • Tammy says:

      I learned stop communicating with my husband when he leaves. I leave him alone and let him sit in his own thoughts.

      • Dawn says:

        Do you find this works? My partner is saying he needs space and time alone to work out what he wants. He has a well man check up next week so I’m desperately hoping he accepts he needs some help. He needs to hear it from someone other than me. Do you find backing off helps? Does he come back to you? Tia x

    • Rachel says:

      Hey, I just wanted to say that I have been experiencing the same issue. I had no idea my husband was unhappy and wanted to leave until I got a random text from him saying he was done and can’t do this anymore. His family and me have come to the conclusion that he is depression, especially with his job situation, and that he needs help but doesn’t realize it. He thinks everything else is the problem like me or his job but really it’s him. He took away all our wedding photos off social media and doesn’t talk to me unless I message him. He’s acting so Cold and distant which is not how he is at all. It’s been over 3 weeks now and it’s been the hardest time. I don’t know when or if he will ever come back. The only thing keeping my head above the water is reading these blogs and realizing I am not alone and that there is hope for our marriage. He hasn’t officially claimed for divorce but he talks about how he doesn’t want to make this work. It’s all so hurtful. I feel like in a matter of time he will change again and come around but until than here I am.

  51. AL says:

    It’s all very sad but life does eventually go on, some normality returns, you find new strength.
    My wife of 22 years turned our world inside out for me and our 3 adult children, late teens to early twenties. 2.5 years ago. Another man (internet!) Arrives 3 weeks before, ex wife on secret calls, suddenly on a normal Sunday she breaks down, announces divorce, accuses me of control, abuse and being a terrible husband. Not perfect but none of the above. Three weeks later disappears and finally contacts children she is living 300 miles away. Now know she is depressed, suicidal ideation, Ptsd diagnosis.
    Kids all left behind, all leaned hard on me and still are really, I fell apart For six months, just held onto job, Just! And somehow kept getting up, going to work, stayed strong and kept going.
    2.5 years on, still confused, hurt, no real understanding, children miss her terribly, maybe see her once or twice a year they travel. Eventually for self respect I divorced her, no contact at all.
    So the truth, it happens, no proper explanation or closure or understanding. I just get up and get on. My children need me, they need to see a strong parent, a reliable one, they need help with first employment, bills, cars, boyfriends and much more so that’s what you do…!
    It’s a cold shower of a thing! It’s not fair, it stings and it hurts but that is mental illness.
    Now as much as I miss times past, nostalgia bites sometimes I am pragmatic. I have three wonderf kids, I had a for the most part happy marriage and a good life and sadly it ended. I accept it, I accept no proper closure and I accept moving on and everyday, it gets easier. Good luck all. Be strong… it will be ok 🙂 Al

  52. Sylvia says:

    I have been in a bad situation since 2012 to 2017. I met my partner 2012 we fell in love in Aug 2012. Everything was great but he wasn’t happen with his job as he moved to another state to be with me. He told me he was leaving and the night before I was crying and pleaded for him not to leave but the next morning, he said I am leaving and he packed his gear and drove off. After 10 days he got back in contact and said how much he loves and misses me and came back. We were happy until Aug 2014. He never tells me what is going on in his head and I cant communicate with him as he shuts me out. Everything was fine and next minute he snapped but this time the second time while I was at work, he packed his gear and I came home sensing something wasn’t right and opened the garage door and everything was gone. He packed up and left while I was at work behind my back. After 2 months he returned he missed me and loved me and wanted to be back together again. Again everything happy but then 9 months later and there is a pattern he gets a job saves as much money as he can and then 2 weeks prior to leaving he then starts to distance himself from me and I can feel something is right but he never lets on. He left in May 15 to another state. After 3 months I went to visit him for a holiday and we had a lovely time together. It was loving and happy. After 7 months he returned to me again. He was getting lots of work and everything again seemed happy and then in Aug of 16 I found he had packed his suitcase the day before he was to sneek out of the house and he said yes I am leaving. I was crying and pleaded for him to stay. But as usual he left and after a week I miss you but this time I had to give him money to get back as he was 4 days drive away in another state. He paid the money back and admitted he had deep mental issues and depression. I said I will only take you back if you get help and make a committment to me as it is like a yoyo relationship. He returned after 12days a short stay and he seemed happy very very settled helping my mother and taking her to the doctor whilst I was working and then he got a job that he enjoyed started a hobby and life seemed great. Two weeks ago again the pattern started, he started to distance himself from me and I could sense something. I did say everytime you earn alot of money I get nervous as I feel you are saving it for your next move. He said we have been through this before and I’m staying. But last week only 6 days ago I was at work, returned home pushed the remote button of my remote garage and had cleared out. I was in total shock. This is 5 times in 5 years. I am a total emotional wreck. He sent me a text later that evening to say I only made this decision to move this morning but I could feel that morning that he was very cold towards me. So now he is gone and I feel abandoned and in shock once again. What do I do? So sad.

    • Cynthia says:

      Hi Sylvia,

      I’m rummaging through this forum as someone who is depressed and who has been the “perpetrator” in terms of leaving a partner who has been extremely patient and understanding with me. I was with a man for nearly 10 years and in total I left him three times, the last time for good. I’m still trying to process it all, since I feel like I’ve wrecked two lives, and often I do regret it. … I can’t speak for your partner or for all people who are depressed, but, by and large, depressed people feel extremely ashamed by their alienation. That shame is often easier to handle alone than in a partnership. We don’t want a mirror. Likewise: like cutters, depressed people often find that wrecking things (including relationships) is the only thing that makes them feel alive. Further, “getting help” is easier said than done. There are tons of therapists out there, but only very few are good. Most therapies, such as cognitive therapy, are way too superficial to get to the root of things. And often more intensive long-term therapies or programs are unaffordable. So, I haven’t solved anyone’s problems, sorry to say, but I hope I helped you understand where your partner may be coming from. Perhaps you will have to say goodbye to him, internally, and be thankful for what you had. All the best to you, and him!

      • Maria says:

        I know its a while ago, but thanks for sharing this — it really helps to have your insight and perspective. It’s hard to know what to believe coming from a partner who may be holding things back to save you the pain.

        • lostartist says:

          hi maria, i also just found this forum. my wonderful bf broke up with me 3 days ago. he has suffered depression in the past and when i met him he was doing great. he got sick with a month long cough and that’s when he fell back into depression. our realtionship was short lived unlike the stories here but nonetheless we were in love and his “brother” (orphan brother) reached out to me thanking me for making him happy as he has never heard him be in 5 yrs. he consistently told me that he sees me in his future, just days before he broke up with me he said he is home, sad and missing me. we were supposed to meet up last memorial sunday and he texted me that he isn’t feeling “this” anymore, that he doesn’t see anything substantial will develop. I was gutted. my heart is broken now. i was patient, gave him space, yet he broke up with me. i’m dealing with this now, i don’t have energy to do anything. i haven’t reached out nor he, for 3 days and i’m scared he never will. he was never a do over guy. 🙁

    • Tammy says:

      Mine is on his 11th move out in 27 years. I made a time line of the times he leaves and they seem to be the same time of year. It’s the same story; loving man, then one day it switches and they are some other person, then he leaves. I’m in month 5 of him being gone. I don’t know what to tell you, it’s a disease and until they recognize they are ill, I supposed it will continue.

      • Tamsin says:

        That’s a tough time for you. Can I ask how you cope? I am very conscious that if my gf comes back that this may well become something that happens again. I think first go round is when I need to learn to cope for myself but also her.

  53. Lesley says:

    So glad I found this website it’s great to suddenly not feel so alone and confused. My wife and I have been married two years last month. She left last year for a couple of months claiming to not love me anymore long story short she came back and realised she had mental health problems so she started the process of getting help. She was diagnosed with bi polar and borderline schizophrenia, she started therapy and everything was going well we were so in love up until a month ago when she started been distant and cold I couldn’t do right for doing wrong. Our wedding anniversary came and she choose that day to move out taking all her pocessions with her, it’s now been 3 week or so since she left and all we’ve done is argue and she seems set on making me hurt in ways I didn’t know were possible. I know deep down she loves me I know her inside out I just don’t know how I can reach her this time she seems too far gone

  54. Alexandra says:

    You guys are all talking about husbands/wives, BFs and GFs. But HOW did you all manage to build the relationships with depressed people? Help me with that!
    I’ve met a wonderful man, it was him who was moving our relationship forward, and seemed really caring and loving. I fell in love. We were in a “getting to know each other” mode for 5 weeks, when he officially called me out for a date.
    We kissed before that, but didn’t have sex. We both felt we didn’t want to rush things further yet. He told me that he has a chronic depression, and told me that he had pushed away 2 women after some promising dating. He explained that he was in a very bad spot at that time, but now he’s way better, and ready for the relationship and new chapter of his life…
    He called me out for a date. In the middle of the date I felt his withdrawal, as if it all was an unbearable effort for him. We had brief sex that was the opposite of what I expected, after 5 weeks of getting closer to each other and wanting each other badly. The sex was as if it was a chore that he couldn’t wait to be done. Quick and almost emotionless. The morning after was the same. Since that he started slowly but significantly withdrawing. I suffered, I realized that something has changed dramatically and I cannot do anything about it. I gave him space, I didn’t torture him with questions, I simply waited and, when he rarely contacted me, tried to be friendly and show him that I’m there, that I care for him… However, he asked me to put it all on pause. He said that he’s not in a right place to start a relationship right now. I said we could do that and pretend we didn’t move things forward, and just stay close to each other but without the pressure of moving anything forward. So, I agreed to put us on hold. Gave him space again. Then he sent me the text, saying that after some days of thought he thinks that we’re finished as lovers and companions. And offered to be friends. It hurt me badly, as I know that he turned most of the romances into friendships because he didn’t want those relationships, but the girls were great, so he basically kept them, but in a friend zone. I told him very gently, that it doesnt feel right for me to accept fake friendship. Then he left the city for a couple of days. He’s back already. What should I say or do so he would want to get me back? We didn’t even start the relationship, so I have nothing that he could really hold on to. Whatever I do will seem to him as me being needy, clingy and weird. Cause after only 6 weeks I sort of have no right for strong feelings. I don’t want to seem crazy and push him even further, but I want to be with him and to be by his side. I don’t want to be friends. I want to be his lover and partner. Lifelong lover and partner.
    Please help!

    • Faith says:

      Hi Alexandra,

      I think you should just leave it alone, at least for now. If he says he is not ready for a relationship, this is the truth, and you can do nothing to change it. It is up to him to seek help and gradually get better. If you push him, it will backfire and you will end up getting more hurt than you are now. He knows that you like him and you don’t want to just be friends, so let him deal with the situation in his own pace and you might have a chance later to form a relationship when he is in a good mental state. Although, from my limited experience, I would advise you not to hold out much hope. Just leave your life and try not to think about him too much.

      • Tamsin says:

        I have to say I agree with Faith. I met my gf when she was much healthier and it’s only been through time that she has found herself in this very low place again. I think that if she was where she is at now when we first met we wouldn’t have lasted long.

      • lostartist says:

        my depressed bf broke up with me 3 days ago. he goes “despite how amazing you are my heart draws a blank, and i just want endless space all the time”. same like everyone here, considerate, loving, perfect! we honestly thought we were perfect, all the synchronicities, humor. he consistently told me that he sees me in his future, and 3rd week into his depression, he stopped saying i love you and most times would pulled back physically. and days before he broke up with me, i received a text from his saying he is missing me. The hardest part about loving a depressed person is that they become apathetic and logic goes out of the window. everything becomes pointless to them. and their feelings fluctuate, that’s the toughest.
        we haven’t reached out since then, and im terrified i will never hear from him again. I went through a 3mos depression when everything was falling apart, career, individual personal life (still is) but i managed to pull through. And I was the perfect mix of understanding and boundary with him because i knew how depressed people are cos I was. It’s twice as hard for others to understand when they never went through it. and “despite how amazing” i am. I’m the one crushed, feeling inadequate and unloved.
        What i am saying is, if, IF, you are not in love yet with him. Try to move on and find someone else. it’s hard, you can’t yell and get mad out of being tired (and it will be emotionally draining) of their sadness cos they will close up even more. I never cursed him or his depression. and it’s the same result. I’m broken

  55. James says:

    I feel like I’m going through hell at the moment. Recently my wife told me it was over and she didn’t love me in that way anymore, Im struggling to understand her decision as I thought we were happily married.

    A month ago we returned from 2 weeks away with out 2 year old son and had a fantastic time. The next day my wife was crying said she didn’t know what was wrong with her. Next day she asks me to leave even though it’s my home.

    I left thinking I was giving her some space and we would be fine after a few days. How wrong was I , 3 days later she filed for divorce.

    She seems like a different person, she’s cold and verbally abusive and making me kut to be a monster. Then she will apologise and do the same thing again a few days later.

    Its extremely difficult because we have a young son that I couldn’t imagine not seeing everyday.

    She blames me for everything, says that I didn’t deserve her. That I mentally abused her and I was controlling.

    I would admit if I was any of these things, but I’m the total opposite. She hasn’t worked for 3 years, I’ve financially supported her, never said no to anything she’s wanted. She goes out when she wants with friends. I support any decisions she makes. I will admit since our son has been born I have not been as affectionate, but that’s mainly due to work and being exhausted.

    I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to push her away further either. Is there anyone with any suggestions?

    • EH says:

      Hi James,

      I am so sorry you’re going thru this. It sounds awful and I am sure you’re heartbroken.

      Have you tried couples counseling? Sometimes simply having a mediator can be beneficial when dealing with someone who is blaming. From my reading,an unfortunate side effect of depression is anger and blaming toward a love one– usually the one closest to you. That or to be completely pushed away without explanation, just silence.

      Even if you cant convince her to couples counseling, you might consider individual therapy to help deal with the trauma and confusion, sort thru it all.

      Good luck to you, I hope everything turns out well.

  56. em says:

    I can so relate unfortunately.
    Here’s my story: 5 months relationship, bf really busy (final stages of PhD, been there myself, so I know it’s tough. As to his position: he has a 3year grant still, will probably be in to tenure track once he finishes PhD, if he doesn’t fulfill the September deadline they’ll prolongue it for sure, so no problems here.

    First, I got issues that summer should be better hence less work, then from around April – May: “sorry, I’m having a tough time”. Back then I didn’t know whether it was “just PhD ” or something more – my gut told me the latter, boy, was my gut right. I had been in a relationship with a man with depression issues before (geez, I must have some kind of radar ;)) so I just saw things one could easily omit.

    Then he got a bad cold with antibiotics, migraines started coming back (oh, the somatic issues), he started taking meds for these migraines but I don’t know the names, he had to change them coz the first ones didn’t work.

    The last time we saw each other, cuddling, hugs and all that jazz, once again he said “the upcoming weeks will be tough” “hey, I’m here” I replied.

    I had some bad issues on the professional level (my grant proposal was rejected, I’m a postdoc currrently in transition from academia to industry/real job market), I needed reassurance, got some, but def. wanted more, anyway, couple of days later, I text “miss you”, it got really ugly, like “you had expectations?” and stuff, really bad timing, I had a presentation to prepare, an important one, meh.

    One more thing: when our mutual friend met him at the Uni and said something like “welcome to the family” he was like WTF and I just said “well, you know K, she’s very direct, especially that we joked about being “in the family” before and he liked the idea, for sure didn’t object to it.

    I said before I leave for my parents’ (2 week leave) I’d like to spend some time with you – ok, I’ll see what I can do.

    Making a long story short: we didn’t meet up then, I sent a very warm email stating all my concerns, and said that he didn’t have to reply if he didn’t feel like it.
    We had a stupid argument on my way to the airport but we talked too (all IM) and looks my gut was right, that he’s getting some kind of treatment, dunno if just meds and/or therapy.

    He reached out first, I bluntly didn’t answer, he reached the second time, I replied a week later “it’s kinda nice you texted. take care”, got an instant reply but just an emoticon (that was 3 days ago, nothing since.

    He also tried to pull me into a quarrel on FB stating some really stupid stuff about politics, but I just ignored it.

    Whom I miss is that person I fell for (not sure it can be called love) but some kind of special bond for sure but then again, I’m not into big words if you know what I mean.

    Just a brief note: my reaction after that break up quarrel in the middle of the night – no tears just “WTF was that” but I also didn’t sleep at all.

    And anger it was, grief, but no tears and I generally tend to cry my breakups over, so that surprised me too.

    kind of messed up but I hope someone will read up to here 🙂

    take care you all 🙂

  57. Faith says:

    Reading this put things into perspective. Unlike most of you I am not in a long-term relationship with someone with depression, but dated someone briefly. I met this guy in February and things ended between us a week ago. When we first started going out he was very sweet and enthusiastic but at some point he withdrew, got silent and aloof, and finally told me he thought we shouldn’t see each other anymore because he felt we did not have many things in common. A couple of days later he got in touch again to say he made a mistake and overreacted. We got back again, only to break up a few weeks later because he said he was in a really dark place and could not handle a relationship. We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, then saw each other again, but I told him I wanted him to make up his mind and make an effort for us to be together, and not on-and-off. He said he wanted to do that, and we had a couple of months which were good (we saw each other regularly and communicated well). I really thought we could make this work despite the depresssion. But then he stopped taking the medication, and started feeling really low. Eventually he told me we should stop seeing each other because he thought I had stronger feelings for him than he had for me, and that he could not imagine himself reaching a point when he would say to me “I love you”. He said he had not been pretending or hiding all this time, but it was easy to be nice to me because I had been nice to him. All this was really hurtful to hear, as I thought he had deep feelings for me, and also it came as a surprise, because recently things had been going well for us. It’s been a week now that we haven’t spoken. I know the wise thing is to forget about him and move on, but I find myself thinking of him, the good times we had together, and also worrying about his situation. I wish he would just go to the doctor and make a concerted effort to deal with the depression. All my friends advise me to stay away and they are probably right. But I can’t help fantasizing about a brighter future when he will have dealt with this and we will be happy together.

  58. Heartbroken says:

    I’m so glad to have found that I’m not the only one going through this. I mean, it’s terribly sad reading these stories, but at least I’m not alone. I had a tumultuous five year relationship with my ex, and even though we had broken up almost five years ago, we kept in contact and he ended up getting married because he got someone pregnant (he didn’t cheat on me, we were broken up but still in contact). That hit me really hard, and I thought it was going to be near impossible for me to move on. But amazingly and completely out of the blue, I met this amazing man about seven months ago and I really believed this was my shot, that this man was it for me. He was, and still is, a very sincere, honest, and just overall wonderful man (he’s about nine years older than me), and he was looking for a relationship at the time that we met. I had always heard that when you stop “looking”, that’s when fate drops someone in front of you. And boy oh boy, that sure did happen. We went on about three or four dates before deciding to be an official couple, and we were on the same page as far as goals, what we wanted in life (marriage and kids eventually), and we were just so well aligned, I couldn’t believe it. I honestly didn’t think that men like him still existed, a true gentleman. We talked all the time, and things were going so well. Then about theee months ago, he started having work trouble. He is a deeply emotional person, and he does let even small things (like his car breaking down) effect him as if his dog had died, so to speak. I started noticing him start to be a little distant within the last month or two, and I just never said anything because I wanted to be supportive of him and be there to listen to him. I figured he was just having a hard time adjusting to his work situation. He had made many comments about being almost 40 and just not where he thought he’d be by now. Then his mom was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago and then I really thought it wasn’t the time to bring up his distance and how I was starting to feel alone since I was making all the effort in the relationship–which had confused me because when we first started dating, he and I both agreed that a relationship takes work and effort from both people. But with all of this stuff dumping on him, I decided not to bring up my concerns with his change in behavior. He even had to move recently, and he made several comments about being bummed out, currently out of work, and I guess just feeling lost. I kept telling him that it’ll be ok, that it won’t be like this forever, circumstances always change and that he’ll get through it. I’ve listened to him endlessly, and he’s even thanked me on multiple occasions for hearing him out and for taking care of him (I’d give him massages at night and bring him food, and do other stuff to try and cheer him up). Then just yesterday, he told me that he had a long hard look at himself about two days ago and realized that he’s depressed and he’s got to deal with it. I then told him how I had been feeling and now it all makes sense, about how he had been pulling away. I told him that I just need to clear one thing up, and that’s if I was the cause or contributed at all to his depression. He said absolutely not, and if anything, if I hadn’t been in his life, he would’ve fallen into depression much sooner, he’s sure of that. But he still fell into it anyway. I then said that it’s ok, we’ll work through it and I don’t mind putting in the extra effort as long as we’re on the same page, that at the end of this dark time for him, that he still wants to be with me. Then he started talking about all this stuff he needs to come to terms with, and that he needs to deal with this on his own and doesn’t want me to be caught in the “crossfire” and he doesn’t feel comfortable with me putting in all the effort while he is not able to reciprocate right now. I told him that what we have is rare: a relationship built on respect, trust, loyalty, and just all the benchmarks of a great relationship. He said he knows but he just needs to get through this and that’s basically it. I’m so unbelievably heartbroken, I’m in shock that he came to this conclusion so quickly without even seeming to be all that upset. We were together for about seven months, and I know that may not seem like a long time, but we had a very deep and meaningful relationship, something that I thought he equally wanted. He kept saying that he doesn’t like to say this is the end, but I couldn’t help but say that that’s exactly what this is though. I kept asking if he was sure this is what he wanted, because this is so not what I want and I just want to be with him and work through this with him. But he hesitantly kept saying that it’s best if we break up. He also said he wants to keep the friendship for now, and that’s it. I just don’t know what to do. I really thought that he was the one for me, I saw myself marrying him and having a family with him. This came so quickly and I’m in such shock. I don’t know what to do. After reading through all these stories, none of them had positive outcomes. I don’t know if I should contact him (he hasn’t contacted me at all yet we spoke last night). I don’t know if I should keep the lines of communication open, mostly because I’m just so deeply upset and heartbroken over this. Is there any chance he’ll come back? He really wanted to be with me and pursued this relationship. It doesn’t make sense that all of a sudden he doesn’t want to be with me. I asked if I should wait for him, and he said no…that if I meet someone else, to go for it. But I don’t want to be with anyone else, I want to be with him. I told him that I didn’t expect us to come to this point, especially so quickly, and he agreed. He didn’t see this happening to us. I asked him how he could make this decision like this, and he said he didn’t know, that it must be his current frame of mind, his depressed state that’s making him feel this way. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. This was the best and strongest relationship I’ve ever had, but also the shortest.

    • Faith says:

      I am so sorry to hear about this. It is a bit similar to my story: I also felt I had a good connection with this person and was really heartbroken to hear he wanted out. But he needs to help himself, you cannot do it for him…

      • Heartbroken says:

        I’m so sorry to hear that you have gone through something similar. I know people have to help themselves; I just wanted him to get the point that he doesn’t have to go through it alone, that I’m here to support him. I decided to just leave him be and let him think things over, that maybe we’ll just have a break. So I didn’t contact him at all. On Monday, my friend practically forced me to go with her to an amusement park because she didn’t want me to be wallowing in my sadness over what had happened. So I ended up going and when we came off of a ride, I checked my phone and saw a missed call and a text from him. I couldn’t believe it. I called him back immediately and he sounded so much better. He asked what I was doing, so I told him. He said he called just to talk and said he was very sorry for what he had put me through the last few days. It was never his intention to hurt me and that I don’t deserve that. He asked me to call him later. It felt ironic to me because the last time I had been to this amusement park was the same day as my first date with him, about seven months ago. Anyway, I called him when I got home and he was acting/sounding like the upbeat man I had come to know. We spoke for about an hour about regular stuff (not addressing what had happened), and I then asked if he wanted company and he said yes. So I went over to his place and stayed the night. Everything was seemingly back to normal, but I just couldn’t really understand what had happened. He even dragged me out of bed at 6am the next day to take a day trip to the mountains to go hiking and swimming. He took me to a path that he had been going to since he was a kid and says he’s never taken anyone up there expect me. But while on our way (a two hour drive), I finally had to address what had happened. He said he thought long and hard about what he needs to do and he said that he needed to pull himself out of his depression, and that we’ll take it one day at a time, but together. So I said, does that mean we’re still in a relationship? And he said, yes as long as you still want to be my girlfriend. I said yes and asked if he still wanted to be my boyfriend, and he said yes. I told him that whenever he’s having a bad day and he doesnt feel like talking or just wants to be alone, just tell me and he’s got it. I will always give him whatever space or time he needs (I’ve never been the clingy type anyway). All I can say is that I hope this is a good sign that our already strong relationship can get stronger and we can make it through the tough times. I hope he can see that I’m in this for the long haul, and that he doesn’t have to be alone in his struggle.

        • Faith says:

          I am so happy that things turned out well for you! I hope it stays this way. It is sure a good sign that he said he decided to fight this and he wants you by his side. This is all I was asking from my boyfriend as well: that he would have the will to fight, and I would be there to support him. But I don’t see this happening for us… If things take a bad turn keep reminding him of his promise. I wish you all the best from the depths of my heart

        • Nmw says:

          I am so glad I read the comments on this article because yours is *exactly* what I’m going through right now and my heart swelled when I got to your. Ext comment about you guys working through it together. I’m *so* happy to read this and hope I have the same ending to my story! (Seriously, even your break up conversation sounded word for word like ours….)

          • Faith says:

            We have not spoken for a couple of weeks, since he told me he wants to break up because he does not feel strongly for me. I recently started going to therapy, and when I told my therapist how shocked I was by what he said, she said that he was projecting his feelings onto me: he probably feels he is unlovable and cannot love himself, so he said he cannot love me. She told me I cannot do anything if he does not decide to help himself. I know this, I understand this. I have not contacted him in any way. But I keep thinking of him every day, and I am stalking him on social media, trying to see when/if he is active so as to get a clue about how he feels (I know that he goes offline when he is in a really bad place). I know this is not healthy and I hope I will gradually move on. If anyone has any tips about this…

  59. karmen says:

    Are there any outcomes that are positive? It is so crazy how someone can be the most wonderful partner in the world and then poof they are gone!!!

    • Seekingadvice says:

      Exactly, I have been looking for any positive outcomes, seems like I am doomed as well. My relationship with my gf lasted 4 years, she was the love of my life and we planned marriage, until recently where she just wants to be alone and doesn’t want to be in a relationship, I figured out this was depression as she wants to be alone all the time and doesn’t want anyone at all. I gave her space and told her to maybe speak to a doctor but she refuses to as she feels they can’t help and she just wants me to move on with my life and not waste my time. So basically 4 years of loving someone and doing anything for them and still willing to support them through depression, they just throw you out just like that? I don’t understand why people with depression just refuse love and support. She did say she loves me a lot and cares for me a lot and that she just wants me to be happy with someone else? What do I even do? As I can’t give up on her but she is forcing me too

  60. K says:

    3 days ago my partner left me. We have had a relationship full of adventure. I moved to another country to be with him, followed him as he worked, I left my entire life behind for him. I gave him everything. He says he needs space to deal with himself but I’m absolutely heartbroken.. I can’t sleep, I keep having panic attacks, I haven’t eaten. i have reached out in multiple attempts, I have begged him to stay.. but he still left. Feeling so broken.

    • Patrick says:

      My partner of 8 years is leaving this coming Tuesday. She says she’s unhappy and needs to be alone. We have a 5 year old little boy together who loves his mom dearly, and 8 years of adventure, including moving to another country for work. I feel like death. Its the worst suffering and pain I have ever felt. I hope you’re feeling better, because I can relate, and it hurts so bad.

      • C says:

        Absolutely relate!! My partner txt me yesterday to say he was on his way to his Mams, let’s face it the relationship is over and he’ll look for somewhere else to stay! WOW! What a blow! I rung him and he answered and said we needed to talk. He was blunt and cold but did return to talk.

        To cut a long story short he hasn’t left! We both cried. He said a lot of things that don’t make sense to me. He has a lot of pressures at work. We’ve had a lot of pressures financial and a multitude of other things. And the past month has been hell. In the past month we disconnected! I felt it first and had a talk 2wks ago…he cried and opened up about a lot of things. But then somehow Saturday night pressures from an overly wired, super tired, refusing to sleep child, sent me over the top and I ranted how I hated this, that and the other. I let it all out and he was so cold. Usually he’d embrace me and reassure me. As I would him when times are tough. Not this time he was cold and so I kept pushing to get what I wanted but it ultimately pushed him further. I then received the txt yesterday the morning after!

        I’m truly heart broken. We’ve had an amazing adventure for over 10years a wonderful daughter and have always been such a solid unit. Always had a connection. Always been one. I cannot fathom how one month of shit can completely and utterly destroy that.
        He states his txt was bad? And that he was moving to not drag me and his daughter down and that he was doing it for us. But it doesn’t make sense he said a lot of stuff that doesn’t make sense and I’m left feeling deflated, ‘like death’ as you put it and I don’t know if I can get over he heartache!! Literally broken hearted. Never ever thought he’d do or say that.

  61. Tammy says:

    On the 26th of May 2017 my husband and I will have been married 27 years but, we won’t be celebrating, I’m sure. You see, for the 12th time, he has move out. He lives in a shitty little motel on the side of a busy road. This is the same road I take to work and home every day so I have to see his work truck. This man cooks for me, does my laundry, walks the dogs, fixes me a plate of food and brings it to me. He does the dishes and has assigned himself chores on Sunday, like dusting. He always sits right next to me on the couch, always has a hand on me, and always tells me he loves me. Every morning, while I’m in bed, right before he leaves for work, he gives me three kisses, always three. He goes to work every day and gives me money towards the bills and savings. We have saved enough money and have begun looking to buy a home. Four years ago we broke up after too many years of him going from the best guy ever to stonewalling me, overnight. We went our separate ways and had very little contact for 7 months. After 9 months we got back together. For the 1st time,we did things together and he was perfect, for three years. I fell so dead in love with him but I always held back no didnt show it to the level I felt. I was afraid of the pattern of him stonewalling and leaving me. I now understand it’s depression. I was so good at handling him leaving, in the past. Two months ago. The 1st week of march he shut down. Stopped talking to me. If I ask what was wrong he would stare at the tv or get pissed and leave the room. If I cried he got angry. This went on for three weeks then he said he was looking for a place to live. I gave him money and said, ‘nope, you are leaving today.” I changed the locks as he loaded up his things. I thought it was my fault for being demanding but I think it is depression and stonewalling. I feel bad for handling it like I did. I feel bad that John is in pain. He does not speak to me at all except for 2 weeks ago, I got a text that read, ” if it makes you feel better, I do love you.” Then nothing, not a word. I haven’t heard his voice in so long or seen his handsome face. I’m waiting for the depression to leave but in the meantime, I’m not handling well this time. The sadness is overpowering. I’m super tough but this one, this time, I’m on the floor crying, Ive dropped 8 lbs and that’s a lot for a person 5’1″. This time before he comes home, he has to speak to a professional.

    • karmen says:

      Same exact thing! I see him every day at work, 2 months now he has checked out. He sounds just like your husband. I miss that loving guy so much it literally hurts. Nothing I do or say can fix him. Fact is he may never return and that is heart breaking for me!!!

      • Tammy says:

        It sucks so bad, I know. It’s must be super hard to see him every day and he is ignoring you. That’s why I had my husband leave. Mine is still gone. He found out his mom is dieting so I’m sure that is going to prolong his depression. Is this the 1st time yours has gone into depression?

        • Tammy says:

          Dieing not dieting. That’s kind of funny.

        • Bree says:

          I can’t tell you how similar our stories are… Literally! Right down to the three kisses. He never gives me one, always three. How are things with your relationship now? Has he gotten any help?

  62. HelpMe says:


    It’s a relief to know that I am not alone in this. 3 days ago my boyfriend after 7 months of relationship broke up with me citing depression. He has been withdrawn from me from past 3 months. 2 months ago he suggested that this is not working and we should break up. He feels the burden of the relationship. I did not let him go and suggested a break instead. We hardly talked for a month. He came over to my city 3 days ago and broke up with me. He was there with me for 2 days to console me as I shattered in front of him. He said that he doesn’t love me anymore. He was suffering from depression and wants time. He said he will see a doctor soon. After making me accept the breakup, he felt lighter and talked and laughed after days. He complimented me a lot and kissed me goodbye. We made plans in passing to meet after 3 months as friends if he feels better. I’ve been broken since then. My every waking moment goes in missing him. I am not making any contact with him. But the pain and hurt has turned into a physical one. I am also worried about him. I want to keep in contact so that he knows that he can talk to me as a friend anytime. I want him to know that I am there for him no matter what. What do I do?

    • Kelly G says:

      First off I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this, it is awful and painful. I am going through something almost identical and I was wondering how you are doing? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, the last 4 months he has been completely isolated himself from me. We went from spending so much time together, constantly going on little trips, to seeing each other maybe once or twice a month. The more I pushed the more he pulled away, until finally 2 weeks ago he told me that his depression has gotten the best of him and he is tired of hurting me, he said he loves me and knows i deserve more and wanted to end our relationship. He said maybe one day if his demons subside we can try again but right now he needs to figure out why he is unhappy and how to deal with it. My initial reaction was to get angry because i don’t know why he wouldn’t want me to help him, especially if he is still in love with me. I messaged him a few times and got short responses that honestly made me feel worse. I hope that you are doing okay, if you have any tips that have been helping you please share!

      • Kate says:

        My partner left me this morning. He has depression and anxiety but refuses to take meds as he says he does not like the way they make him feel. I have begged and pleaded with him to change his mind and just consider a different med but he insists he can do this on his own. We went out last night with friends and had a lovely eve…this morning he got up and left for work but did not say goodbye which i thought odd, and that maybe I hadn;t heard him as I was still in bed. I went downstairs to find the house keys on the table. He later sent me a text to say he is moving away. I am devastated. I cannot even think straight. he says he does not know what love is anymore, and yet we have been blissfully happy for over two years. I feel like my heart has been broken.

        • karmen says:

          same here, the last 2 years have been more than I could ask for in a man. Two months ago he went into his depression said he was done. Will not talk to me! I am completely heart broken. You feel so very helpless because you cannot do anything to fix the problem!!

        • Tammy says:

          I want to tie mine up and punch him in the face sometimes and other times I feel sorry for him. It sucks waking up thinking, “maybe today is the day he texts me or comes home.” This disease is such a shiityshitty disease. It takes away everything. I just want to say screw it and let him figure it out.

  63. Krissie says:

    There are SO many of us with similar stories but I have yet to read of a happy outcome.
    First and foremost I want my husband to feel good – it breaks my heart to see the man I have known for over 30 years change so much – like there is this outer shell that I can no longer get through to – my best friend replaced with a stranger!
    I can’t live with the fact he may go to his grave such a broken and dejected man & I feel like I have let him down somehow. However I have lost my grip on him.
    I need to know what to do and even 2 pychologists have given me no real answers! Do I let go, stop pursuing contact with him knowing that I am probably one of the few people who ‘has his back’ despite his total rejection of me (he has left home, wanting a trial seperation).
    This is such a bizarre, left of field curve ball that has impacted our family and I am at a loss.

    • Gabrielle says:

      Hi Krissie , I’m so sorry to hear your story . My husband of 36 years has also moved out & is unrecognisable in the same way . He wants to live alone , as a Hermit & says he doesn’t need people . He is spending all hours working & I also think , he is depressed . I believe he is seeing a Counsellor, but says our marriage is over & that he hasn’t lived me for 15 years . Our grown up children are totally devastated & confused , as are all our friends . I am totally distraught & don’t know what to do

      • Krissy says:

        It’s hard to comprehend isn’t it? While mine said he needed to be alone and to get away, he still manages to hold down a responsible job and, sadly, has started dating another woman! He has actually become a nicer person (what little I see of him) but I also see a sad, broken person and despite the rejection I still have this innate need to ‘fix’ him.
        For me it is nearly 6 months and the grieving process has gone up and down. In some ways I feel a stronger more confident person (probably because I have to be) and my adult children are very protective of me and also very confused by his behaviour.
        I can see he is depressed and feel responsible for creating the life that ‘broke’ him but I feel I have to start planning for a future that does not include him. I have moments when I feel strong and others when I fall apart and just can’t comprehend this bizarre situation.
        I’m sorry this has happened to you also. It is a grieving process and us women are stronger than we know! We have to rewrite our future, rewrite our retirement plans and look after ourselves. At first I kept it quiet for his sake and to absorb the shock of the situation but by telling people, you will find support from people you didn’t expect and perhaps no support from those you thought you might!

        • karmen says:

          realizing you are not alone or feeling crazy is very helpful. I just want to heal from the void of the one I love so much gone, but still alive!!

      • Lisa says:

        I know this is old, but I know people like me are going to come across this site and read all these posts. Honestly I feel like the reason why we don’t hear many positive outcomes is because people reach out when they’re going through this, but when things get better we tend to forget. I’m going through the same situation and I just scroll and scroll for clarity or positive outcomes and I haven’t seen many, but I know if they truly do love you and when they realize what they have done and they will come around.

        • Taylor says:

          Yup.. same thing just happened to me.. I want to see if anyone ever made breakthroughs.. my gf said she loved me and I was her soulmate.. then out of nowhere she needed to work on herself, and said I was a Bandaid and she was relying on me too much and felt bad for dragging me down.. even though I assured her she can always talk to me.. we broke up 2 days ago… and I’m still in shock. My heart hurts so bad… 😢…

          • Anon says:

            Happened to me 2 days before you. 5 and a half years and now nothing. Saw her spiraling in front of me despite the meds (that were likely making her worse). I know I’m not without fault, but this is singelhandedly the worst thing to ever happen to me.

            I am now in therapy to figure myself out and would suggest you do the same.

          • Daisy says:

            I’ve spent the day reading these comments and it seems to me that if it can happen once then it can happen again, and again. I’m on my second time of him leaving me as of this morning and I think I have to now protect myself and make sure it doesn’t happen a third time. I love him so much but I’ve been so miserable trying to hold on to him when he started to withdraw this time. I can’t put myself through it again. When he starts getting back in touch again (if he does) I’m going to just wish him well, even if it breaks my heart to do it.

    • karmen says:

      I feel the same way, it breaks my heart for him. I saw this man full of joy and now he is so down. He wants me to leave him alone. I am so confused, hurt, missing him! It is like grasping at air.

  64. charlie says:

    Oh dear I’ve just realised ….my partners depression is very real .
    Doctors , personality crisis , sadly her father died the very same week She had a bad operation (almost two years ago) so she /we couldn’t plan to have children without big risks and fear involved. I’ve been struggling like crazy to keep it all together. She moved out of the new flat and immediately is living full-time(~ ( 6Weeks so far)
    with someone she has only just met a handfull of times at most. She has been under a lot of stress full on for two years and this is the outcome .
    We only had each other and been together 9years, we split for 80days about 5years ago,she did I the same then under strees. This time it has been far more difficult for us / me to cope. I’m wondering should I try to contact her ? It’s been six weeks . I don’t want to make things worst if there is any hope for us, I really don’t know what to do, there is no family to call upon.
    I’m absolutely smashed over this , No alcohol No coffee, just crying couple of times a day no sleep weight loss just about keeping in my head together thinking about this all day. I’m better than I was now I’ve started eating again.
    I just wish there was something no could do I actually feel a little more worried for her head now poor thing . Any advice or ideas? It’s been six weeks since she went . She’s 28.

  65. Priscilla says:

    First and foremost I would like to say thank you for writing your article it has helped with my own research when it comes to depression and my partner who I believe suffers from depression. I really don’t know what I’m doing on here other than your article made so much sense to me and that I’m going through every single thing that is written on here in your article. I don’t know how to express myself on here so that I don’t write a novel of my own on this page regarding my relationship with my exboyfriend who I love dearly & Who I believe suffers from two types of depression. He’s never been diagnosed and a year ago he told me he was seeing a counselor but just to talk about his family he never gave me any details but from my knowledge that only took at least two weeks and to be honest I think he lied about it because honestly there were no signs that he was seeing a counselor, I never went with him nor saw proof of it and when he did say he went to see a counselor him and I were broken up at the time so who knows.
    I have been with him for 4 years the past three years he has been in and out of my life and for only periods of time of 4months and then he would get into these moods swings that I know now are depression mood swings. During our first three years I thought he was doing me wrong with someone because he wouldn’t show any more love nor didn’t want to be intimate with me, I felt as if he had two women and to be honest my woman intuition told me that wasn’t the case but I could never figure out why he would act certain ways but that all changed in January 23. He started getting into his moods and started using the word depression a lot this time,I thought to myself “here we go again with the same pattern as last time” finally after him using that word depression several times I decided to research on it because someone like me would only think depression is just sadness for a day or two but I was surprised/shocked on what I read although my research was too late because he already had set his mind to move out and he did January .When he does leave we do not communicate whatsoever within that period of time of 3to4 months of what I now know is depression (mind you before this I always thought again it was either patterns another woman or just copping out ) Every time he wants to end the relationship he would always have good excuses to end it,i always thought he was just copping out of the relationship to be with someone else. Every time he would come back after 3 1/2 months after leaving to rekindle our relationship it would be around the months of May late April and the times that he ends The relationship it’s around holidays , Mid October to mid January, mind you this is every year for the past four years. Because of his patterns/ depression of actions and the research that I have done I say he has seasonal depression but I also think he has clinical depression as well. He knows what he wants when we are doing fine ,he wants a future, he wanted to get married ,he wants a house ETC. BUT when his irritability, sadness, anxious,Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness,Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex, Decreased energy, fatigue,Difficulty concentrating, making decisions
    Trouble sleeping, Weight gaining,Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain. He no longer wants a future he would say I love you but only if I said it first, when it always used to be him who would say it or text it or show it , but that changes when he gets in his mood within those months.I’m just desperate for peace and not sure what kind of peace maybe on what should I do,im so used to not communicating within the 3 to 4 months but now that I truly know what’s wrong with him, do I reach out to him?? Again desperate for answers… my research on depression has answered a lot of my questions when it comes to him in and out of my life his mood swings and his actions but tell me why this time I am more emotional and hurting but when I thought he was doing me wrong in the past three years (and he truly wasn’t) I wasn’t so emotional… everything is just a confusion… help please

    • Max says:

      Hi Priscilla

      It is futile attempting to ascribe any form of logical explanation to a partner suffering from depression. After all, we are simply a conglomerate of extremely complex chemicals and their interactions, so when these become defective due to whatever reasons, it is essentially the fabric of a person’s soul becoming corrupted. The various medications help for some time but they never cure the true causes. My partner did, to my surprise, respond via a fairly loving message when I recently sent a a gentle but neutral message of support. She has finally acknowledged, again to my utter surprise, that her medication (now a double dosage strength) has not been working for quite some time and she needs help from our GP and even a psychiatrist. So maybe some good may emanate from the bleak events of the past 6 weeks. But the fact remains that she is now diametrically shifted from the vivacious and loving woman I met 13 years ago and in spite of the Herculean efforts I made to ensure her happiness over the intervening years. But I have made one change in my approach in handling my own distress – I communicate what has happened apropos my relationship and no longer suffer in silence. The result – introductions to healthy women so wanting to be loved and cared for for which I have ample capacity. So I have taken the first steps in this direction and am making some reasonable progress in finding an adoring woman who will be treated lovingly and appreciatively by me. And my 13 year old relationship? That is possibly somewhere in the future, one way or another, but is now beyond my control. Life may choose to rather bless me with a normal, loving and supportive partner. I toast the future and hope …..

    • Tammy says:

      Priscilla, 27 years of marriage, 11 times he has left. Most of the time the irritability and ignoring me begins late Feb, early March and lasts 3 or 4 months. He usually leaves and has been gone now for 11 weeks. During this time he will not communicate with me. It’s a weird pattern. The past three years he was perfect, no depression and then one day…… BAM! How always comes back though. This time is the worst though.

  66. Ssg says:

    This post helped me understand a lot, but it still hurts.

    My best friend of years started dating 5 months ago. I knew he suffered from mental illnesses when we got together, but I had previously been his go-to so I felt like I could handle it.

    Everything was wonderful after we stated dating. We had tons of fun and shared lots of memories and laughs. He would ALWAYS tell me how lucky he was to have me and how he would feel like dying if I ever left him.

    About a month ago, he was feeling suicidal. At this point, he wanted me around. I took him to the local crisis center at his request and sat with him for 9 hours (while listening to him talk about wanting to kill him self). Finally he was transported to a mental health facility 2 hours away. He loved it because he said it helped so much. He called me everyday and expressed his love for me. When I picked him up after his week stay, his face lit up like never before when he saw me.

    For a week or two after that, things were great. He was doing so well and we were probably even closer. However, the weeks after that he started to seem a little withdrawn. He didn’t want to talk to me or see me as much, he was content with sitting at home all day, and he overall showed no interest or emotion in anything.

    I of course noticed and tried to get him to open up and talk to me more about what I can do to help. He said nothing, but that he is afraid of me leaving because of his state of mind. I had to always reassure him that I wouldn’t leave him. We had so many big life plans.

    The last time I saw him was 4 days ago. We met for lunch and he seemed happy to see me. Afterwards, we hugged and kissed goodbye.

    That night he started acting weird and texting me things like “I don’t know if we will last” and talked about wanting to end things before he could hurt me years from now.

    The next day, just 2 days after seeing him, he messaged me saying he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. I was completely taken back and tried to talk to him to figure out why. In the matter of 2 days he completely shut me out. He deleted anything involving me on all social media, refuses to meet up to talk or even talk on the phone, and does not respond to any of my messages seeking for answers.

    The small bit I did get him to talk though, he seemed angry. His excuse for leaving is that he feels numb and empty since leaving the mental institution. Part of me feels like it’s the medication they put him on in there, mixed with feelings of depression. I have been a mess. Completely broken and hysterical and it seems he has no sympathy or consideration of my feelings. It seems like he just wants me gone from his life completely, claiming he “can’t see the future” and “I can do better than him”. Keep in mine, this is just days after him begging ME to never leave him and always love him.

    I’m just confused. Does depression/medication make you feel numb and/or change your wants and feelings in a heartbeat? And should I stop trying to contact him since he seems as though he doesn’t want to even hear my name?

    • Rosie says:

      Yes, meds can definitely make you feel numb. And indecision/inability to see a future is also part of depression and could be a side effect of meds. Some meds can be really worse for depression than helpful… I hope things have been getting better, it sounds like he really loves you. Depression and meds are both messing with his clarity.

  67. Max says:

    The hundreds of posts contained in this site almost read like a prepared script – and I have again found my dealing with the ever increasing severity of depression of my long term (13 year) female partner reads just the same. It is heart rending
    I have struggled to keep the relationship on track as my partner was afflicted by 3 really bad marriages and 2 equally bad interim relationships. So when I met her all those years ago I felt blessed to be able to direct my emotional resources to retrieving all the lost years of zero love, care, indifference, etc which she had become so accustomed to
    But I had no idea she was also struggling to contain the destructive and corrosive effects of depression.
    I welcomed her and her youngest 13 year old daughter into my home for 3 years and expected nothing in return except a devoted and loving companion. Two of my 3 children were also still at home starting university studies
    The result of all my good intentions driven by an overwhelming love for my partner? No surprise…

    She has again advised, in the traditional brutal manner, that she cannot be in a relationship after doing this several times over the past 5 years but always returning. She has described herself as numb, devoid of any emotions, her work pressures are stressing her so severely, etc. There is never any hope of her articulating her innermost emotions, thoughts, hopes, aspirations, etc. They seem to be entirely absent. I always fervently believed that the loving and consistent affirmations that I directed to her would let her finally realise she actually belonged to an adoring partner and would displace the debilitating effects of depression and other distressing influences. And then throw into this toxic mix the now 26 year old, bipolar 1 daughter who still lives at home with no prospect of finding a life of her own. Started her 7 th year at university with absolutely nothing achieved to date and little prospect of that ever changing. And my passive partner just accepts this status quo. The daughter has compelled my partner to disallow me to visit their home for the past 2 1/2 years after she became physically belligerent to me during what I later realised was a manic episode. 6 months later she was placed into a psychiatric clinic for nearly 3 weeks where the diagnosis was made. Her other 2 daughters are also maladjusted individuals who, for many years, were truly obnoxious to my partner. It is dreadful to behold all the animosities that are continually at play in her family
    I have again tried to gently coax her back into a real life reality with neutral reminders of the thousands of happy memories I created with her – for example, a few photos of the many venues I took her to to celebrate our meeting anniversary, Valentines Day, her birthdays, Mothers Day, etc. The result – no responses of any kind forthcoming. I have learnt that there is no alternative but to leave her alone – in the past there has been a bewildering recovery which would suddenly emerge after weeks of black silence from her. And she would make absolutely no mention of her depressed state or the fact that it had occurred – it is akin to a person emerging from a coma with no short term memory of previous events. I was just so thankful for her return and never discussed it with her. The real and sickening worry is always whether she will return after a new episode
    So now the dreadful and agonising wait continues after this recent episode. I notice that she is always so tolerant of others’ bad behaviour towards her. But let me, as her loving partner, voice the slightest dissent about her often callous treatment of me or the little time she makes for our relationship. It’s like a Claymore mine exploding in my face. Harsh, brutal, spiteful behaviour engulfs me from her. There is never an apology forthcoming nor one accepted from me even when I apologise for events not of my making.
    My two adult daughters are excoriating me for endeavouring to always sustain the relationship. Their exhortations for me to leave are indeed filled with truisms about the futility of remaining with her. But I will wait and see what the outcome is and hate every moment of waiting. The problem is that we, who are the loving, balanced and emotionally stable partners know that many opportunities of experiencing happiness together are being sacrificed on the alter of depression and it’s concomitant mordant behaviours. And the ever constant reminder that time is so precious and irreplaceable when lost due to the demon called depression
    I wish all those who recount their harrowing experiences of depression driven behaviour of their partners find some measure of succour in describing their acute pain on this site. For me it provides a measure of catharsis and hope it will do the same for fellow readers and contributors

    • Katie says:

      I feel your pain. I have a similar story. I’m sick and tired of being treated like crap all the time, waiting for those few bright moments to appear and waiting for the person we once knew to return, but the truth is will they ever fully be themselves again? Were they just feeling good when we met them, and the “new” feeling of a relationship that made them feel really good for awhile? That’s what i long for, the person i once met to return to me.

      As you mentioned, i hold my tongue constantly, i always monitor what I say in fear of a reaction that is completely blown out of proportion and misconstrued to the 10th degree. It’s like they take whatever you say and turn it around and someone it’s all about them and in a bad way.

      But they have no problem hitting us below the belt where it hurts, saying mean, spiteful things, god forbid we said such things to them.

      How is any of this a healthy relationship? we walk on eggshells and can’t express our feelings which is the most basic of a healthy relationship. Are we wasting our precious time? I’m beginning to think so, i feel I have been in denial for way to long, because i was always hoping that the old person would return, i thought the more i cared and loved the more they would appreciate it, nope, it’s in fact the exact opposite,it seems the more you try and love and care for them the more they try and plow you over.

      I’m going on three months now with zero contact, i’ve written letters, texts, voicemails, went in person, which was a complete disaster every single time, which is just heart wrenching. Everyone around me says to give it up already, cut your ties, move on to someone that actually cares for you and loves you. I never wanted to hear it, wanted to always keep hope. But how long does one hope? I could hope forever, but i expect a little respect and love in return, which i get none of.

      Have all of you felt that your relationship has been one sided for a long time? Your the one to put in all the effort, the one to make the plans, get in contact, always trying to keep the relationship afloat, for what?

      • Max says:

        Hi Katie

        Thank you for your comments and response. These allow us and others to clearly recognise that depression is the master of those suffering from its malignancy. It takes no prisoners and leaves the loving partner often shattered and bewildered

        Your last paragraph succinctly describes such a relationship – it is always so lopsided with the healthy partner ( the you’s and me’s) scrambling to eternally over compensate in an effort to avoid a collapse of one’s partner which is always lurking just beneath the surface. I have one question which I alluded to in my original narrative – she was always so passively accepting of everyone’s disgusting behaviour to her. But ruthless to me, the only one person who has truly loved and cared for her in her entire life. What is it about depression that lets her single me out for this inhumane treatment?

        • Katie says:

          I am not sure,but i feel your pain. I feel any comment can be turned around and it’s all are fault. But our partner can say the exact same thing, and we wouldn’t even think of it as being negative. I remember once i finally expressed my opinion of something that was hurting my feelings for a very long time, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, it was killing me inside, and so i went ahead and said it, i was not mean, or deameaning in any way, i was calm, i thought the conversation went well, and I was met with dead silence for 2 weeks, followed by a nasty, below the belt text message where my words were taken completely out of context. I was devastated, because a. I can’t even express my feelings b. The guilt i felt afterwards was unbearable, even though there is nothing i should really feel guilty about. C. Now looking back it seems emotionally abusive

          Why do you stay? The only reason i stay is this was the “one” we both knew we were perfect for each other and that there was no one else out there more perfect for us. That’s what makes this so cruel

      • Anne says:

        I absolutely agree with you Katie everything you describe ,I feel yes all one sided “I give ,he takes”there is NOTHING in return .i am so tired of waiting for a small ray of hope
        Its so comforting hearing someone out there is suffering too,however I feel sorry for you all too as I really do know how you feel.should we put up with it NO but we love them dont we and want to make things right.its the weekend again I used to really look forward to this time together,now I just fear that he will be in a bad place and completely ruin things.Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back!!!

  68. Valerie says:

    I cant stand the pain, besides he leaving me and acting like all the others mentioned, saying just short things when asked he is cheating like crazy on internet, and it hurts so bad that I feel like dying…
    I watch him online on some chatting apps untill very late, but he never calls me and when I asked why he is doing this, (I was needing just ONE REASON from him to block him and stay milles away) He said he needs to stay aparted until he understands what happened to us….ouch…what happened I know he just hit the bottom on his ongoing depression…and all of a sudden became a stranger…..please what do I do? I cant stand knowing he is talking to someone else what he should be talking to me

  69. jolly says:

    My bf of 8 years recently dumped me because of “Change of mindset” . I am a very religious person though I started a relationship with him thinking he is gift for me from the God himself long time back. We were together in highschool and still together sometime ago. As we are also in a struggle period of making a stable career depression is obvious. It all started few months ago when he suddenly stopped contacting me saying that his Phone is broken(we are in a long distance relationship) . We did not use any social media for contacting other than whatsapp. We have all decided to make agreat life together such long time back. Actually he proposed me for marriage right after he said he loves me. He is so so so good that i fell in love with him more every time we met. But suddenly when he stopped contacting me i started worrying too much that was obvious. I used to cry each and everyday and missed him so bad. Somehow i got into contact with him through a common friend. We met he told me he misses me. We again came into regular contact with other . After few months he limited contact with me. He was not at all romantic anymore he said he is depressed and needs some rest. I never forced him for anything BUT being a human i found myself in a miserable conditions sometimes. I was really out of my mind that i became angry and made him call me and talk to me forcefully. I needed care and love from him. He didn’t show any care. He used to reply to my text very late saying he was busy and that was totally okay with me. One day i asked him to talk to me. We talked till 3 am but he gave some kind of indications in between our hot and cold conversation that we can’t be together for a lifetime. My heart broken into pieces but somehow i managed and convinced myself that its just his anger saying it to me. He never picks up my calls. Responds very late and become angry if i try to make any contact woth him. He became very unromantic. I knew that he is depressed and can’t handle the stress of the relationship as well. I wanted to help him but he never let me help him. Few days ago he broke up with me saying he doesn’t want me anymore and hates me the most. He said I am a ba dperson to live with because i spy on him( which i never did, i just used to ask him few questions that made him mad sometimes). I am so broken now. I don’t know what to do. I want to help him. He also talked but taking his own life. I am scared I want to help him but how can i if he doesn’t let me get in to his space??? Please help me. I want him to come out of depression and love me again as he did some days ago. I want him so bad. I miss him each and every moment. Currently I am in a no contact period.

    • Katie says:

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through, i am also in a no contact period, not because i wanted it but because i’ve been getting the silent treatment for months, and i literally have no idea why, it was mid text conversation, no fighting or anything.

      I hate how they shatter our hearts, and just leave us to pick up the pieces, its not fair. We all long to be back to the place we all started. I only stay around because he’s the “one” for me and i’m also the “one” for him or was until the depression came. That’s what makes it so tough, it’s like a monster took over and stole the person we once knew.

      I don’t know what to do at this point either, everyone tells me to move on because regardless if you are depressed i deserve to be treated much better as do you. As a therapist told me just because a kid has ADHD and he punches a kid in class, the ADHD is not to be used as inexcusable behavior, and just because someone is depressed they also should be able to show common respect, etc.

      • karmen says:

        It is so hard to give up when you really love someone. I know I should let the Lord heal my heart from the loss and move away from holding on. Fact is if he ever comes back it will happen again and I cannot handle the heart break!

  70. Sindy says:

    My husband suffers from very bad depression. He took it all out on me , with demestic abuse, verbal abuse and mental torcher…we have only been married 5 months and he left me after one month of marriage…i tryed my best to save the marriage but he continued abusing my good nature…playing mind games and dumping me every 2 days when we decided to give it a go…he broke my heart so many times i couldnt cope with it and eventrally left him 3 days ago…theres no contact ive had to stop it because he has been very cruel to me and i dont deserve it…he is on meds and also councilling but i find hes getting worse…i dont know were the man is i married…i love him so much but i cant get hurt emotionlly anymore its killing me and he has become very cold and selfish like he doesnt care anymore…i find he has fallen out of love with me and its distroyed me…with the constant abuse and horrible mind games he has done to me i can never except him back and i have walked away to keep my own sanity safe.

  71. Scared says:

    This article has helped me a little. My partner of 3 years is the most amazing and loving man and step dad to my daughter. 18 months ago he sank in to a depression for a couple of months where he was angry, tearful, lost, suicidal! He came through it but not after pushing me away and changing his mind several times. It was hard but I was supportive. Following this we had an amazing 12 months and planned for a baby. A baby he wanted more than anything after being unsuccessful for years in a previous relationship.
    I am now 5 months pregnant and we have gone from over the moon, excited, in love. To dead. Literally nothing. He doesn’t feel the same. It’s not what he wants. He Ioves me but won’t be with me.

    I am in a whole world of pain. I don’t understand it. I have tried to be supportive but he has gone from admitting he is depressed to simply blaming the relationship. He is hiding in his parents house and has said we can talk when I’m ready. I only hope that in a few weeks I may get some sense, some compassio, some hope from him

    Right now I am struggling to cope but desperately hoping this is temporary and he will come back like last time

    • Phil says:

      I’m so sorry to hear your pain and confusion. I lived for 18 years with my wife and mother of my two daughters. She often suffers with deep depression and then will pull out unexpectedly. I know it’s said often but sometimes only time helps. She finally left to try to find her happiness elsewhere. It isn’t working but I’m no longer tied to her. I still miss her but it’s been two years and I’m seeing that life is beautiful again. I wish I had some advice. I just wanted to try to give you some encouragement that life goes on and can be exciting again after deep confusion and loss.

      • Scared says:

        Thanks so much for your reply Phil!

        We have had a horrific few weeks! He just told me it was over, he doesn’t feel the same for me and I pretty much haven’t heard from him since! He met my daughter and was the same with her. He denies this is anything to do with his depression and even denied the last time he was clearly ill and blamed that on the relationship. He has been so cold. So cruel. When I am at my most vulnerable and I need him!

        I am so up and down, so hurt and confused but the man I love that existed until 6 weeks ago is gone at the moment.

        I need to focus on my daughter and connecting with this pregnancy but it’s hard through the heartbreak, the anger, the grief and the fear.

        The disbelief and the anger will get me through at the moment but the two extreme outcomes here are he comes back and admits he needs help, or he walks away from us completely including the baby both look unlikely. I then need to deal with the mess that’s in the middle.

        It’s hard not to believe the things, nasty things he has said to me. I have to believe this is illness or I will go under myself

        So glad that things are brighter for you!! Hearing that people have endured this for years makes me think maybe I am better off accepting a future without him x

        • Evie says:

          It hurts to read what you are/have been going through. I know exactly how it feels to have a partner change from one day to the next, and being left in utter despair and confusion (repeatedly…). It seems devastating that this would happen while you are pregnant. I have no advice, but I am sending you, your daughter, and your baby all the love and support in the world. Please know you are not alone, and you do not deserve this. I also hope your partner will find a way to heal, for everyone’s sake! Bless you, and take good care of yourself through all this! <3

    • Zoey says:

      I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I recently celebrated 3 years together, 2 years of marriage. We have a 16 month old daughter and I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. He left on 1/28. I too am looking for answers. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Hugs mama.

  72. Chloe says:

    On 30yh July, my husband he was going to the shop. I found him unconscious in our bath, fully clothed. He smelled of alcohol. It took him 2 days to recover. He had gone to a woman’s house just 20 doors away and got blind drunk. Things have never been right since that night. He said he would get help for his binge drinking. He told me he loves me and didn’t want to throw 20 years away. 6 weeks later, after not drinking for 6 weeks, he said he wanted to separate as he wasn’t happy and felt lost. He said he wanted fun. So I let him go. His rages got worse, he refused to talk to me when he was sober, but when he wanted to talk he was so full of rage, anger and hate. So I had the locks changed. I personally think he has had some sort of mental breakdown. Could it be depression?

  73. Charlene says:

    Hi Everyone,

    I am currently going through chemotherapy for breast cancer. I was diagnosed on April 2016. Prior to the diagnosis, me ex boyfriend and I ended things on February 2016 after being together for 4 1/2 years. It’s just been devastating to watch him spiral down even further with depression. He had already gained about 80 lbs. from when we first started dating and he loves to gamble too. The combination of both had put a strain on our relationship but I was still willing to help him. When we broke up he said, “I’m all fucked up. It’s not fair to take someone like you on a journey in my fucked up world where I have no idea about anything and don’t know what I want.” After he mentioned that, we still keep in contact. Then, two months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and he was there emotionally and financially. But as time went on, he would send me texts saying that I need to move on and get over him and to stop reaching out to his friends. I always responded nonchalantly with “Ok no worries” because I knew if I responded negatively it would get nasty and in return it doesn’t help any of us. I followed up with him last week via email stating that I’m there for him if he needs anything because he’s going through his own personal difficult journey. Instead, I received an email stating that he prays for me often for my health and happiness. Also, that he’s in a new relationship and that things are going well. It definitely broke my heart because we ended things on good terms about 8 months ago. I thought we had a chance of getting back.But as time goes on, he’s just getting more irritable and pushing me away. I’ve noticed he’s gained even more weight from the last time I saw him. I know this is not him and it’s the depression talking. I don’t think he recognizes he even has a problem and it’s sad to watch him spiral down and pretend everything is fine. Even though with my condition, I still want to be there for him and have him seek help. Any suggestions?

    • K says:

      Firstly, I so hope you are ok and that you have had favourable treatment. I realise this comes a little late but I have to ask? Where do you fit in this picture? I mean you are an amazing woman waiting for someone who doesn’t care enough about you….. Does he even care you have breast cancer? What about you???

      Pardon me, but fuck him…. He is not good enough for you. I’ve been through this very experience except mine with cervical cancer being left by my bi polar boyfriend of 9 months. He forgot about the biopsy dates, then a week before my operation he ended things. That was 2 weeks ago…. Please right yourself 2 lists, one for your absolute dream relationship with all your wants and then lost out everything your ex dos of significance (good and bad)…. My bet is he is nothing like the man you had hoped for.

      I hope you kicked his ass to the curb….. It is cerainly where I am leaving my ex. A friend of mine once said ‘the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is the one who will be there to change you colostomy bag’ – for better and for worse….. They are out there…. Don’t settle for anything less than your true amazing self deserves ????And I sincerely hope that you are in a much better place with your health. Sending you love and happiness.

  74. Shell111 says:

    My partner of 5 years has left. We had just been on 2 holiday. He always treated me with respect put me first. Now hes blicked me not talking and hiding. Healily drinking working 7 days a week. Left his belonging. I tried the gentle approach. He said basicalky we had been rowing. I replied with dates of holiday and showed no rows. He said hes in a bad place in his head has been from a child. He told me its our relationship thats the problem and he dosnt have feelings for anything. He said he dosnt want to fix us as hes emotionally broken. I responded with how do you think i feel im emotionally broken and dont know what the problems are about. The week earlier he eas wanting to plan another holiday for this year and was getting me to book time of work for next year. On holiday i witnessed bad anxiety attacks on several occassions. When we got home he didnt want to go back to work. He had also mentioned about thoughts going round in his head non stop about alsorts of stuff. I wish i had of seen the signs before he just left. But he hides a abusive up bringing. Hes with family. Hes not responding to my son his mothet friends etc. its 5 weeks now, i left him alone for last 3 weeks and just sent an email saying i miss him and the goid 5 years we have had. No a response. Its so hurtful.

  75. Debbi says:

    My husband of 16 years suddenly woke up on July 4 of this year and told me he had to move out. Needless to say, I was beyond shocked! He has been diagnosed with depression by one Dr. And Bipolar by another and he has severe OCD. We have gone through years of different Dr.’s, medications, lifestyle changes but he always felt that none of it helped. He is a very faith strong person and wants to listen to God for help. He moved out 5 days after his revelation to me about leaving. He says he feels trapped in our house. We have a 15 yr old at home and a 25 yr old on his own. I knew he was suffering from depression as he kept telling me he was in a “dark place” but we had worked through these many times. He told me that the room he had rented was for three months and that he just needed this time and space. We didnt talk a lot for the first month or so. I went through sadness, anger, thinking he was seeing someone else and the manic need to things I thought would make him happy – liking exercising, cleaning and purging my house. Eventually we started to talk more and he would come over o his days off to see us. We both talkes about how much we loved each other and how strong our love is. He said he felt like our son and I would be happier without him – not feeling like we had to walk on eggshells all the time and with me not always trying to “save him”. The 3 months are almost up and I see no sign of him coming back home. I love him and am trying to be patient and give him the time he needs. I am hopeful for a happy outcome but will have to wait and see. We text everyday and tell each other how much we love the other. Hard to realize that with depression and mental disorders, love may not be enough to keep you together!

  76. Bill says:

    My fiancé has suffered from depression long before we met. She’s had minor episodes in the past but we always managed to pull through. Our wedding date was getting close and she decided she wanted to postpone the wedding. This upset me but I agreed because I wanted her to have the wedding she wanted. She would then want to reopen the wedding on the original date but we had done notified everyone that it was postponed. Two weeks prior to our original wedding date, she left. She told me that she wanted to go away for a while and take time to herself to figure herself out. I tried to talk to her about it and I thought we worked it out but the next morning she was gone before I woke up.
    The first week that she left, she came home to get clothes and go back to her friends. She talked about wanting to date and this made things seem hopeful. She would message me often and she started wearing her engagement ring again. But, the following week when I tried to contact her she began telling me that she sees me as a friend and nothing else. I thought that was a drastic change in feelings. Further attempts in contact would result in arguments. She would say that I’m not respecting her decisions, not giving her the space she asked for, that I’m pressuring her to be with her. I try offering support and she knows that I do want to be with her, but to me my priority is her getting better. We’ve cut off communication as far as social media, and our texting is almost non-existent. She says that she feels that she is bad for me and that I need to move on and be happy and that she wants to move on as well. That when I have moved on she would like to be friends then.
    I really don’t know what to do from here. We’re are both going to see a counselor. I would like to eventually see one together but in her current mood, that doesn’t seem to be an option.

  77. Aiah says:

    I’m glad I found this site. Maybe you could all help me. I want to understand what’s going on with someone with depression. I fell inlove with someone who’s going through hell. He had really bad relationships and the last one was worst. He lost 2 daughters and that’s the only thing he wants. He hated the world and wants to be left alone. I did everything, I made sure he felt he’s not alone even if we’re miles away. Even if he pushed me away I stayed and check on him time to time on facebook until we became friends. Then oneday he asked me if I want to see him, he said he wanted to try and see how it feels being loved again. Then we plan on his trip..The time we were waiting as okay. Although he’s having times when he doesn’t want to talk, he made sure I am loved. Until his ex did something again. Then all of a sudden he said he doesn’t want to do anything for anyone anymore. That after everything he’s being treated as sh*t. We’re still okay, we already planned of seeing each other. Before he came here, he said he doesn’t want us to romanticize everything. That we will just keep it cool and not romanticized everything. When we met, I can feel the walls but we were okay. There are time he’s playfull and even if we didn’t really enjoyed that much since we got nothing to go it was okay as what he said. We wrestle and watch movies but we never talked about us. A night before he leave, he said its not goodbye but see you soon. When he gets back to where he works, He said nothing has changed. We’re still the same. He lets me know if he cant message me and checks on me time to time. He even buy and send me stuff I don’t even ask. We talk everyday and when one time I said whatever happens I want him to remember I love him he asked if I’m feeling distant. He said I should not take everything personally when he’s having time when he doesn’t want to talk. I always give him space. Until oneday, I was lonely and going through something so I asked about us, if we were in a relationship. He said I don’t know. I don’t think we are. I was shocked. I didn’t know that. Then he explained that he thought I understand that there’s no black and white in his emotions. That after what he has gone through he don’t see being connected to another adult and he thinks its not gonna happen again. But I was sad too so I never stopped asking him about us even he’s saying he doesn’t want to talk about it. I told him that I’m hurting so much that I felt so bad I felt so stupid and assumed. He said, But I kept asking so he explained that I should not expect consistency in his actions. I kept saying he should have told me we’re not in a relationship etc, that I love him but I am hurt..He said, he cares for me immensely and he is okay to have whatever we have and still talk everyday, and is also okay if I do what I gotta do to be happy and we will stll talk everyday. The next day I asked again if he wants me to wait. He said no. I asked why. He said he doesn’t want to talk about it and I kept asking again. Then he said I don’t want to go into depth because I might be brutally honest and hurt you even if its not intentional. I still asked, he said I don’t have the traits he’s looking for a wife atleast with the lifestyle of his work. I was shocked! I mean, after everything. Then I kept asking and he just blocked me. But when I called and asked sorry and that I’m okay as friends, he said I just don’t want to talk about it and then added me again. I’m confused. Does this mean he really doesn’t want me or its because his mind is not in good state. I’m in denial I guess although we still talk. Does he really not want me or is it just his depression? What should I do?

  78. jenny says:

    I will be officially divorced on august 3rd from a man that I was married to for 18 years. he was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder and abandoned myself and our children in January. In October of last year his sister overdosed on meth and pain pills and prior to that we had lost 4 other relatives in 4 years, which 3 we had seen pass in front of us. We have three children and two are bipolar and the eldest is also major depressive disorder. All of my children are on medication and thriving, but my ex freaked out on me and started mixing Prozac and alcohol so we changed his meds.. Then he started stealing my debit card, verbally and emotionally abusing our kids, broke a dogs back, and quit bathing and slept on the floor. He accused me of being out to get him and controlling his every move. The strange part is, was he was the one that was obsessed with controlling me. I would ask for help with the kids and he would scream no and leave for 10 hour motorcycle rides and then the next day act as everything was fine. I never knew who the hell was walking through the door.

    He was verbally and emotionally abusive for about 2 years. He had cycles that he would go through and the became shorter and shorter. Toward January when he abandoned us he became psychotic and screamed at me and left. He went disappeared for a couple of days and then called me to tell me he did not want to talk to me. He then texted me to tell me that I could not control him any longer and that I needed to get over him and to have a good life and that I would have to raise those retarded children. For the next 5 months he screamed at me and stalked my house. He accused me of trying to control him and harassed me. Then out of no where he approached me and I calmy talked to him. He remembered nothing from January. He thought I threw him out and he was the victim. I had to file for divorce bc by then he was whoring around with women in bars. By the time I finished with the conversation he was crying. Since then each time I have seen him he has gained or lost 20 lbs and he looks dirty or clean. There is no balance. He is still whoring around and he is constantly harassing me. He told my son that he was going to take a pistol and blow my face off so we had to get a sheriff out there on him. He has never in my life been like this. Its so sad bc the man I married years ago was gently and kind. The person that I am divorcing is a animal that is depressed and caged. He makes no sense when I talk to him and he literally has made himself psychotic and he will not take medication bc he believes its evil.

  79. Mia says:

    My story
    Friends for over 22 years
    More than friends for almost 10 years
    Living together for 6 years
    Married for 5.5 years

    Overall it has been a great relationship. We had a few rough patches through the years and dealt with typical marriage issues. Mostly problems with communication. But is was a happy very loving relationship.
    Strangely, this all started when things have finally started falling in place. Everything is good. There aren’t any issues we are facing outside of the depression.

    It seemed to start in January, although looking back I think it may have slowly started a year prior. Although we were happy, he was having sexual issues. He became difficult, argumentative, illogical, and unloving in January.
    We contacted our counselor in February. We had seen her a year back when we were going through a rough patch. By April things spun out of control. That is when our counselor recommended a phychiatrist for him. It was scary. It was like many here have also written, I was the one to blame. I was told the “I still love you but am not IN love with you” line many here have been told.
    He was angry and mean and every few days would come up with another reason why it was my fault. It started with “you go on and on about the stress in your job and it’s too much negativity.” Although he also would say this position was the least stressful position I have had in a long time. Within a week that was no longer the reason it was my fault and there was a new reason.
    He start on zolft in April. My son and I left for a week to visit friends. Our home was not a good pkace to be. By May he had chilled out. Wasn’t so scary. Still very distant, still not in love with me, still illogical in arguments. But not so scary.
    Beginning of June our couples session became two individual sessions. We all agreed it would be easier. It helped me because I could express what I wanted to without fear of upsetting him. Also, our counselor validated my concerns and perception and I started focusing on taking care of me. I could also give her information on what had been happening so she had better insight to help him. He had blood work in June which showed very low vitamin D levels so he is also taking 50,000 vitamin D a week along with 100mgs of zoloft.
    July has been easier but it’s tough because it’s like I’m living with a stranger. As this month has gone by he has started to recognize that what he is going through is not my fault. He is more caring but nowhere near how he once was.
    Last week I went to the psychiatrist with him because she had mentioned during a past appointment that she would like to talk to me.
    Since he was having a “good” day he told her things were good, medicine was working, everythings fine. I then had my chance to speak and I only stated facts and gave examples. He didn’t deny any of it….
    When the phychiatrist asked what we fight about he couldnt give an answer. I gave her some examples which demonstrated him basically flipping out over nothing. He then said I try to control him. When asked how, he said I told him he should go to bed at a certain time. I then calmly explained that I told him he should listen to his doctors advice and try and stick to a sleep schedule because his sleep is all over the place. That I noticed after a few nights of only 4 to 5 hours of sleep he is much more moody and our son and I are affected by that. I said, I’M not trying to control you, I’m trying to help you and us. She pointed out his blessings.
    After the session we talked for about an hour in the car. I mostly listened and reassured him that I’m there for him. He said, “imagine if everyone is telling you that what you are thinking and feeling isn’t true,…I feel like I’m crazy…imagine if everyone is telling you that you have to do this and you have to do that…it’s just too much.”

    She upped him to 150mgs. Today is day 3 on 150mgs.
    Last night we spoke again. He said it isn’t my fault and that he doesn’t know what is going on with him. He also expressed sadness that he can’t give me what I deserve…love and affection.

    So he is less argumentative, but now just seems sad, overwhelmed, and confused.

    I keep reading as much as I can about depression. Articles, scientific literature, blogs, and comment boards. I’ve called an old friend who has suffered with depression to hear her insights.

    What I’ve learned.
    I’m going to support him. Not help him. I’m going to show him I’m there for him but not give him advice or share my thoughts of why this happened. For example, I was reading reputable scientific papers on how low magnesium can cause depression and how supplementation has demonstrated marked improvement. I won’t share this information with him. Instead I will make homemade granola bars filled with magnesium rich foods;)
    I will do little things to let him know that I care without him feeling he is required to do anything in return. I will listen to his feelings, and not point out if they sound irrational. That is tough to do…but I’ll keep reminding myself he is suffering with a mental illness.

    I’ve gone through so many emotions since this has started. Anger, Fear, loneliness, sadness
    I’ll keep you updated along the way.

    • Elizabeth says:

      Hi Mia. Wondering how things are with you and your husband? Just recently my boyfriend of 15 years just shut me out of his life. We did not live together but saw and talked with each other almost every day! Four years ago, he had to place his mother into a long term care facility because of dementia. He feels responsible for having to put her there and seeing her deteriorate. The only way he seems to cope with this is by smoking pot and drinking, he also takes a anti-depressant, not good.
      I wish I could be there for him to console him but he will not let me in. He feels like we have been only friends these past few years, but I know he is going through a lot with his mom and did not want to push myself on him and give him some space. I feel like you feel, sad, lonely and scared also that things will never be the same again. I have started seeing a counselor. Take care.

  80. Dee says:

    As I seek answers to what depression is and I see that I’m not Alone in seeking the answers to why our partner just picked up and left. Can Depression really make a loved one just pick up and leave out of nowhere after living together for 5 years and being together for 7? The answer is yes. Its hard to believe I loved just Abandoned me (that’s how I felt) and left me to figure out everything Rent, bills, etc. She packed light and left to her parents (but still left everything else, all her other belongings) and really didn’t communicate with me the reason why but that her parents needed her and she can do this now. I was sad and torn that she left me. Just a week ago she told me “Baby, I love you so much”. All too much to me to handle. I was her everything, we would always be together and joke and do what couples do. when she moved out, I would call to see how she is doing and she would answer Rude and mean. Like I was Nothing to her. It broke me, I have never felt this pain before. I could take physical pain because its temporary but heart, mind and soul pain is different. I couldn’t take it, The apartment felt empty and sad. I missed her touch, smile, laugh and her smell (getting teary eyed writing this). I started to drink and I wasn’t eating anymore. I guess it was post breakup depression I fell into. We would talk here and there. I would always bring up if she loved me or are we going to get back together. She would tell me No, she doesn’t love me anymore. So I decided to move out and surround my self with my family for support. When the day came she asked me to have her things in the storage with mine. that was a year today. Few Months back she went to the Dr and was told she was depressed and started to take medication. I give her that, she does reach out to me for support and just to talk about how she’s feeling. It still hurts because I still love her and miss her. But all I can do is be patient and be there for her.

    She does have good days and then her bad days. More bad than good. She told me that she just feels at 36 she hasn’t done anything with her life and feels she does too much for her family and little for herself. I told her that she must make and love herself before anything. I sometimes think “does she even love me, care, worry or even think of me??” I will never know but I guess she tries to show me some affection by buying me concert tickets to my favorite band. Love conquers all??? I guess we will see.

    • Kristin says:

      Dee – I know the feeling. My boyfriend is doing the same to me. It’s been a few months since your post. How are things now?

    • Ash says:

      Hey, i’m going through a tough time as well. My boyfriend left me cause if his depression and idk what to do. Has anything gotten better since you wrote this?

  81. Louisy says:

    These stories are oh so similar to mine. I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years (this time round – we first dated 35 years ago!). We have been so very happy and although, we don’t live together, made a strong commitment to each other only a a few weeks ago. I just don’t know how he went so quickly from being a loving partner to suddenly losing his temper for no reason then shutting down completely. I have always known he has ‘issues’ – he had a difficult childhood and I know his ex wife encouraged him to have counselling many years ago. But this just happened so quickly. He won’t reply to texts and has come off social media. I think what saddens me is that he will talk to his sister as if nothing is wrong – so she can’t understand why I am concerned. He is going into work as far as I know.

    I have had one text from him just saying it s nothing I have done but it’s not fair on me to carry on like this. I love him so much and will wait for him but I just don’t know how long this will carry on for. It is really hard to know what to do – I am just giving him space and sending the odd text to let him know I am still here.

    • Dee says:

      I know exactly how you feel. My GF of 7 years left and said its all because of me and my family. It was Just NOT her and she loves me and why would she do that. I swear, the first thing that came into my head was “She’s seeing someone else”. She was so mean and rude to me when I would go see her or even call or text her. It hurt so bad to see her treat me this way. We been together everyday and did everything together and when she left I was feeling so confused and broken. I was like a lost soul wondering why and when did this shift occur in her. Its Draining and stressful trying to figure it out. Time passed and figured she just didn’t love me. She later told me she had gone to the Dr. and was diagnosed with Depression. I’ve been there for her since, but she goes on and off the medication and does well at times and has really hard days where we don’t talk or she’s calls crying. All I can do is be there and tell her I love her. Its not easy for her and I. It’s Like I told her, you are not alone in this as I’m in this with you.

      • carina says:

        Hey, how is it going with all this, are you guys still speaking or are you still giving them space? please let me know .

        • Dee says:

          Hi Carina.. its been a year now since she broke up with me. Yes, we still talk alot and ser eachother. Theres good and bad days for her as well for me. What I started to do was self care and its helped so much. The space was difficult at first but knowing I couldnt do anything about it because it was her I started to workout alot, ate better and I went to classes to learn how to do home improvements and I would go out with friends. Its been a really long road but what all this has taught me was that i forgot about myself and made it all about her. Once i figured tbat out and made peace with the fact that she may not come back my life turned around. For her, she still has her moments and im there to help her and im there for her. I still love her very much and its getting better for both of us.. she working and she is doing and making better decisions. Shes helped me decorate my new place and has spent the night as i have at her sister where she lives now. So i can say the communication is better. Hope all is well Karina. If you need to talk im here.. with love.

          • carina says:

            Hi Dee,
            Is she still getting treatment? And do you think you guys will get back together? Considering its been a year.. I’m trying to not talk to my bf because he just wants to be left alone and needs space, he has depression and doesn’t want to admit it, every time I ask him what’s wrong he changes the subject and doesn’t want to talk to me about it.. It’s sad it’s been one full month and I haven’t spoken to him, I won’t really initiate contact if he doesn’t want to talk to me either…

          • carina says:

            Hi Dee,

            Do you think you guys will get back together? I hope you guys do.. Is she getting treatment and is she getting any better? sorry so many questions… My boyfriend broke up with me one month ago, he has depression, well atleast wont really admit it and wont ask for help either. I havent spoken to him for a month now because he asked for space and wanted to be alone to sort himself out. I dont think i will initiate contact until he does, but not really sure now if he will ever initiate contact with me…I wish they would just return to their normal self.. Do you have an email and maybe i could email you ?

          • Dee says:

            Hi Carina, yes you may email me. Dpjeep818 [at] gmail [dot] com

          • carina says:

            Hey Dee I’ve just sent you an email. Hope it was sent

    • lovelyy says:

      Hey Louisy ? How is everything going? i think im in the same situation its been 4 weeks and im just trying to give him space, but i’m not sure if I should message him anyway because i feel like he doesnt want to talk to me, i haven’t initiated contact or anything …. Dont even know if he will initiate contact when i was the one who spoke to him last. its sad how this stuff has to happen …. But i hope your feeling better….. Let me know what the update is! im here for you i feel your pain ~

      • Dee says:

        Lovely, its good to give them space. I did that and wouls occasionally text her with hope her day is going great and that i love her and if she needs me im here. I would get a response with a thank you. Later i would get her text about how she was feeling sad, angry and anxiety riden. I read and learnes as much as i could so i could somewhat understand what she was going through. She started communicating more and more. I also had to take care of myself by going out with friend’s and going to the gym. Self care is also important. Giving them space is good but so text him here and there.

  82. Adam says:

    I currently have a depressed ex partner for the time being (been 3 weeks now). She is diagnosed bi polar and I’m sure she has a fear of commitment too. I have e-mailed her to the point and calling her out for her behavior and telling her I believe she is afraid of commitment. She has never replied to that but since we work for the same company I do hear from her occasionally for help when there are 8 others that can help her and she only comes to me. I keep everything professional and never talk about us during those contacts. Sunday, out of the blue she texted me some cool information about her son. I replied right away saying that is so cool. That text was obviously her way of telling me she is thinking of me without saying it. Anyway this has been going on since Christmas and she has broken up with me and come back to me at least 5 times in that time. So far all I do is give her, her space and she eventually contacts me. Usually starts out work related then things will get personal again. She knows I’m there for her when she is ready. I have heard her tell people that I’m there for her and her son 24/7 and guys like me almost never come along. I know she cares, but can’t deal with the stress (I don’t see the stress but somehow she does) of being in a relationship on top of her depression. I am hanging in there and waiting for her when she is ready. Yes these breakups hurt, but I’m strong and I know she needs me to be strong.

  83. Sophi says:

    I recently went through break up caused by depression. I knew getting into the relationship that he had previously had depression and suffered from anxiety I in turn revealed it was something I had also suffered and it was how we first connected because of our mutual struggles and overcoming them. Then recently things change and he broke up with me because there was a lot of things he just felt he couldn’t share with me and that he wasn’t being fair to me. He said I deserved better, someone who would love me the way I need to be and that it was something he had to do because he deserved to be alone. I admit I said along of hurtful things because in the moment I was so hurt and heartbroken I just spewed words.
    It was not until after he had left and I had time to myself I actually considered his words and realized the depression was most likely back. So I talked to him and apologized for what I had said and told him I know what he is going through and that I want to be there for him because he needs someone. His response was that because of his past he can’t talk to anyone about his problems because “he wouldn’t know what to do with himself” and that he “would never be in another relationship and that he’s just destined to be alone because of them.”
    In the beginning of the conversation I admit I had to intention to try and get back together with him but all of that stopped once he said that. I expressed how important and special he is and how talking to someone, even if it couldn’t be me would help him a lot, though he was adamant that he just wanted to be alone forever. It was then that I mentioned the depression. I began it cautiously by talking about a previous conversation we once had about it then mentioned that the way he was talking seemed thats where he was. I also suggested seeing a therapist or some professional about what was going on with him.
    I also went on to say how much I still love him and how I’m willing to push that all aside because his health and well being will always come before any relationship of ours. He promised me he would consider it and said we could remain friends but just not see each other for a while because it would be too hard on both of us which I makes me more than happy because I know he loves me. as cliche as it sounds I could see it in his eyes when he broke up with me, it hurt him so much to do it and he was close to tears. I still feel so helpless though.
    I can’t force him to go get help and even though he promised me, I know how stubborn he can be and odds are he won’t even attempt help and I just don’t know what else to do.
    We’ve shared a few text messages since it happened talking new movies that are out and such but I want to talk about so much more, I just don’t know if it’s too soon to bring it up again.
    Any advice would be more than helpful.

    • amy says:

      Hi Sophi,
      I am in exactly the same situation, I understand you far too well. He left last week after 3 and half years living together. Within the space of few days told me he was looking for an apartment, and then 5 days later in 2 hours packed up everything and left …and when I say everything I mean it, he did not leave even one of his socks, a scrap of paper, one of his pens, nothing. He disappeared leaving me so empty. He has been suffering depression since when he was a child and refuses to see a therapist, he says he can do it by himself, he just needs to be alone with his thoughts. He kept repeating that this is what he needed, and now a week later I ask myself, and what about what I need???? what about my love for him, our 3 years and half together, my dreams of a family and children, what about of all this? who thinks about me now? I am angry with myself because I should be only worried about him (and believe me I am because he has no other family in this country and maybe 1 or 2 friends only that he sees every couple months) …but I also think what about me? what about us? what about my desperation and a week of constant crying? how could he do this to me? I want him back more than anything, I really don’t know what to do ….as you I can’t force to him to go and see a therapist, and he doesn’t even want to talk to me now or see me…. I am so hearbroken

      • Sophi says:

        Hi Amy,
        Your love and mine indeed sound very similar. I really empathize with you when you say you pictured a family with him. Growing up I was the girl who never pictured myself getting married or having children, it all changed when I met him though. He was the first man I could imagine it all with and for once in my life I found myself wanting to build that future with someone, building it with him. My ex, promised me after we talked that he would consider seeing a therapist (though he also doesn’t think he needs on) so now I’ve just been trying to figure out a way to bring it up to him again without making it seemed forced but I’m not sure how yet. I so want to be a part of his life still because I’m the only one that has a slight understanding of what he is going through. I very much want to be his partner again, but I know I have to be there for him first no matter how much it hurts. Its only been a couple weeks since the breakup and I think the longest I have gone without crying is a couple days at the most.
        I always get these sudden spurts of intense emotion so to cope I write them down to help me cope. So far it seems to be helping and while I am still very much heartbroken and feel a bit empty, I feel a little better and more at ease about it. In the beginning I honestly blamed myself for everything. Like why didn’t I notice the depression was back? Why didn’t I try helping him sooner? stuff like that but now

        • Sophi says:

          but now I don’t. I blame the depression and Thats what I’m trying work through it and I’ve actually made an appointment with a therapists for myself to help me work through it myself.

          • carina says:

            Hey sophi , how are you going with this? Are you still in contact with him .. I would like to know an update as I am prob in the same situation and mine is still fresh.. Pls contact me if you want to talk

      • Kristin says:

        Hi Amy — your story is exactly like mine. However he hasn’t taken all of his things, but does each time he stops over. It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since this has began. Officially stopped staying here 4 nights ago. He still wants dinner with me sometimes & texts me daily. When he knows I’m busy & not just sitting at home, he texts me a lot & gets upset if I don’t text him back quickly. He says he loves me, but needs to fix himself first. And wants me to fix myself as well. Then thinks we can fix us & be happy again. But, he still talks getting an apt (he is with his mom now). I know a new apt won’t help him as financially it would be tough & he said he will help me still, which is nice because it’s not my fault this is going on. But I hated living alone and feel he will eventually hate it. But I feel he will move on to another girl he is friends with right now. They all hang as a group with another guy, but I’m so fearful he’ll start liking her.

        You can tell in his eyes the pain he has & the love he still has for me. He only, as far as I know anyway, tells me about his thoughts and depression issues. I just don’t know what to do as I lay in bed each night crying & all day my stomach, chest, entire body hurts.

        I also feel like I can’t trust anything he says, because he started lying. This sucks. He went from normal issues in a relationship, but happy & our silly selves to this.

        Let me know if you or anyone else on here wants to email. I just think support with people who are going through the same things can help.

        • Jennifer says:

          I’m going through the exact same thing. I was with my boyfriend fir 4 1/2 years. He moved out a week ago. We were doing great, but he hasn’t been happy with his life personally. He says he feels lost and broken. He moved in with his Dad to work on himself. I know needs help, and he says he wants it. Told me he wants to make us good again, but has to be happy first.
          Hoping things are getting better for you.c

          • Kristin says:

            Hi Jennifer,

            I hope your guy sticks with what he said as mine hasn’t. I called him a few weeks ago crying and upset and when I said “were supposed to still fix us too remember?” He said “I said maybe”. They’re so confused & the depression numbs their feelings to us, & we know them better than everyone, so they want to escape from their lives (mostly their partners) because they think that will make them happy. And the only thing that can help them is looking inside themselves & getting meds/therapy. The cycle will continue otherwise and even with getting help it still can happen. It’s a long road for depression – for the person and their partners. Sadly 🙁

            My guy hasn’t contacted me in weeks & his family started deleting me on social media. Guess his mind told him he’s finished with me. It still hurts & I’m very lonely.

          • Taylor k says:

            Jennifer, sorry to hear again… how did it end up? Did he ever end up contacting you again? Or did you move on?

    • Grace says:

      Hi Sophi….wow I feel so touch by your words my ex Pally uses the same words you used to walk away… hurtful…..hoping he gets better too

  84. Hannah says:

    How I feel as a wife… Abandoned by my depressed husband… Forced into a divorce I didn’t want. No communication other than a few texts and emails for FIVE MONTHS. I struggle to cope… To move on… To heal. There are so many unanswered questions, and the only person that can answer them is silent as a stone. Poetry and writing helps me cope. I hope others can know through my words that they aren’t alone in this unimaginable grief.

    You Gave Up On Me by Hannah Adrian Rogers Zawieja 06-05-16

    Healing takes time…. as you consume my mind…. Fond memories… Heartache… Loss…. Love… Rolled up in the unknown package of you… What I thought was real… How can you feel… So strongly that the love is true… Only you… Know why you chose to disappear… Was it fear? Fear of a life not lived? Where is that wonderful man that stole my heart? Was I simply playing a part… A stepping stone while you passed the time… What remains is mine… the sorrow… the confusion… the anger… the sweetness of what was… what you promised me would always be… How could you care so much… and then dismiss me like a stranger??? What was real? Did you ever feel…. Anything for me? Did you lie? To me…. To Yourself… To the World when you pledged forever to me? When you told me year after year that we’d make it together or not at all… How did we fall… Apart… So easily for you… So devastating for me. I have found the strength to survive… yet I crumble into heart’s broken dust when I least expect it… Do you regret it? Is there any remorse in your callous heart for the person you destroyed when you walked away without care… Do you feel the despair of my bleeding soul in the air you breathe easily… Distance less of an issue than the millions of miles your heart resides from me. What did I do to deserve this pain? What have you gained without me??? Are you sincerely happy… Or did you just flee in fear of the ghosts within you that you never shared… I cared… If you’d only stayed… We could have beaten any obstacle… Slayed any emotional dragons… Together. You gave up on me. You gave up on me. You gave up on me.

    • Violet says:

      Your poem is very powerful and really spoke to me. It is amazing how similar all of our stories and feelings are.

    • Michele says:

      Wow, a beautiful way to say all I am feeling. My husband of 10 years is filing for divorce next week. The depression took him from me so quickly, a week and a half from telling me he was seeing a therapist to asking for a separation and moving out. That was 3 months ago and I am still devastated.

      • Hannah says:

        I am so sorry you are going through such pain, Michele…. My husband did the exact thing… I found out the divorce was final when the papers came signed by a judge in the mail. I wish you hope during this griefstricken time. Words cannot exoress the confusion, abandonment, anger, fear, and pain. I wish it weren’t happening to us…. It seems a great deal of people are suffering like we are… Again, I am so sorry. I wish you love and strength during this devastating time.

        • Kristin says:

          Michele and Hannah – I’m so sorry for your experiences. I am going through the same, but were not married. He is slowly moving his stuff out and has been staying at his mom’s. Mine wants to chat daily & confuses me still. I just don’t know what to do. I love the poem – it’s so true to what our minds are going through.

    • Betty says:

      Thank you for sharing your poem, Hannah. It captures a lot of what I’ve felt for the last 7 months.

      My ex-husband dropped the emotional bomb on me in January. “I love you but not in love with you. We have drifted apart.” I had thought he was going through some midlife crisis having lost his father to cancer the previous summer, grieving his loss with another woman who could relate, turning 40 and not satisfied with his job nor his position in life. Looking back, he was at times withdrawn, angry, and blaming me for little things. I just thought he was stressed and needed space. I now realized that he may be depressed and I feel so horrible that if he really is that I didn’t notice sooner.

      But he kept a good cover, he seemed to be doing fine and getting along as I knew him to do. We were intimate and sending love to each other right up until the bomb drop. But around Christmas he became more withdrawn and didn’t communicate his feelings much at all. When I would ask if there was something wrong or if I tried to get close to him by wrapping my arms around him, he would shrug me off or tell me he didn’t sleep well or it was something at work that was bothering him and didn’t want to talk more. When I set up a counseling appointment for us after the bomb drop, he blew it off because it wasn’t convenient for him. I went instead and have been in therapy since to deal with the shock of the divorce.

      When he left our home, he said he felt our marriage was going to end up like his parents (fighting, name calling…which had been going on for decades and got worse when his dad got sick) and that he wanted to protect me from that. He said he couldn’t love me like a husband should love his wife and that he was unhappy in his life. I tried so many times to get us help but he just wouldn’t try.

      I had to go no contact after the divorce because he kept emailing me about his guilt for leaving and reminiscing our happy past. He even said that the last 20 years were the happiest in his life. Why wouldn’t you want to fight for more? It hurt so much!

      It’s just confusing, sad, and I feel a tragic mistake to be divorced. We had a strong, loving, trusting marriage (14 yrs) and relationship (20 yrs). I feel like he just threw it all away without trying to help me save it. I feel abandoned, hurt, angry, and disappointed. I told my ex that I felt his father took my loving husband away when he died and felt cheated that I didn’t get a true chance to save my marriage. It’s so painful and devastating!

      I am getting along well as of late, trying to stay strong with therapy and support groups, friends, and family. I’m not crying as much but am still grieving my huge loss. I don’t talk to my ex, which kills me sometimes, but I have to protect my heart. I don’t know if I can be friends with this man who is no longer my loving husband and that frightens me.

      Can anyone relate or offer any further insight on depression? These articles do help shed some light into my ex-husband’s behavior.

      • Hannah says:

        This is exactly what my husband did…. But it was a month before his sister’s death anniversary. She died from a sudden heart condition at 33. My husband turned 33 in September and his sister died at 33 on Valentine’s Day a few years ago. Although young, he has expressed concerns of suffering from anxiety and depression for the nine years we were maaried, as there is family history saturated in it. His deceased sister suffered from bipolar. He bought a Nissan 370Z mid December and left January 1st. I, like you, am completely devastated. He hasn’t spoken to me since he walked out other than a few texts and emails. He served me divorce papers in March and the divorce I didn’t want was signed and finalized by a judge in the county where he works on June 13th. He stated also that “we weren’t in love anymore” in an email a week after he left. Two weeks prior, he had given me cards inscribed “my wife, my soul mate, my best friend”. I had no choice but to let him go…. Yet my heart and soul haven’t accepted this nor can my mind wrap around the sudden snap in his behavior. It makes one question if anything was real. Of all people to do this to me…. I never imagined it would be he that broke my heart and shattered our lives and future together. We had endured so much and made it through… And poof! He disappeared. My heart goes out to you and all that have and are continuing to live with the emotional death of their loved ones due to depression. I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone. It is unbearable. Hang in there, and much love and hope to you!!! I am so very sorry foryour heartache!

        • Betty says:

          I can relate and empathize with you and your pain, Hannah. It makes you wonder if the love they expressed was even real at all.

          My husband’s family has a history of bipolar depression, and his half-sister committed suicide 3 years ago. Also, I don’t believe he had an emotionally stable childhood. There was, at one time, 8 kids in a small apartment when he was a small child. I don’t think he ever found an emotional and balanced attachment to his mother. I saw it in their relationship when we were together. Also, his parents’ marriage was so volatile. I just have to wonder if his upbringing, his adult pain with the grief over his dad’s death, and his controlling mother contributed to his leaving me. As far as I know, his mother didn’t tell him to fight for the marriage. His sister sympathizes with me, rather than him.

          This is not the first time he has left me. He left our relationship, but we stayed attached at a distance, two other times before we got married. His basis for leaving those times was emotional stress brought on by major life events. I realize back then I should have taken the hint to end things for good but it was hard to do when you are young, fresh outta college in a new place, and in love.

          Anyway, I do wish him well and to be happy. I know that it’s best for me to let him go. I’m scared to let go as he’s all I’ve known for half my life and based my decisions. But the man I miss and love is gone. He feels bad for hurting me but I don’t think he truly understands what I’m going through since he wasn’t exposed to what a real loving, emotionally healthy relationship is/was. He wants to be there for me. It’s like the staying connected at a distance, all over again.

          Our big hearts are suffering. May we heal with love and compassion for ourselves, with time and knowing we deserve to have strong, emotionally stable relationships in our lives. Hugs to you, Hannah!

          • Hannah says:

            Your kind compassion, understanding, and insight is emotional salve for my soul…. Thank you so very much for sharing your story and heart…. I wish you healing, hope, and love, Betty…. Thank you so much…

          • Nicola says:

            Wow! I am so very sorry for all of you replying to this thread…but selfishly your stories have made me think I am not crazy! It’ll be 2 years on Halloween that I asked my husband what was wrong with us….for years he’d been withdrawing slowly, losing interest in things…especially intimacy with me (he always said it’s me not you)–and then before 10/31 he really shut off, watching TV all the time, same shows over and over, and mostly pulling away from me–like I was a stranger.
            He told me that night, “I’ve lost feelings for you.” We just had our 27th anniversary. I was crushed–I called him out and asked if he was having an affair with person at work–she was saying things to him on facebook like how he was a stud–and our 24 year old daughter saw it and was angry–as was I–he said no–but both things he said were in a robotic detached tone-like he was a shell. I told him to get out –he went in our spare room–but came in sobbing telling me he loved me and couldn’t lose me…we talked and he said he was a “porn addict”–that started us in therapy but that was a lie–he truly was in an affair. I found out after months of torturous turmoil being abandoned while crying–him refusing to get help–me going to SANON for spouses of sex addiction….
            After the truth came out he pleaded to come back and work on this promising me he’d do anything–quit his job etc. We went to two affair recovery weekends (highly recommend them EMS/BAN) and have been in therapy.
            We learned he has been suffering from Chronic Depression for over 14 years (thus the w/drawing early on) and had a Major Clinical Depressive episode after his mother died –which was 4 months before this horrible person launched in on him and began telling him how wonderful he was. I also should note, most of his friends retired from work the year before, his boss retired a month before this happened /3 months after his mother’s death. He was in charge temporarily. All of his life was falling apart.
            He learned that the affair was due to the words this person was saying–which created the same warm safe feeling his mother would create for him when he was with her all throughout his life (he would visit her weekly and enjoy the old time discussions–he was the baby and definitely favorite–she always spoiled him). He has also learned it was like an illusion and that person took on the “aspect” of a mother figure–she always drove (lunches–never weekends/ nights/ just lunches) and brought food, candy, gum…said nice things and then trapped him into situations which is when there was the physical piece.

            His therapist relates this to Freud’s theory and he was child like and wanted his mother back—he always listened to his mother…. that’s why he could turn her down when she asked him for physical moments in a text but in person being trapped he just did what she told him–I got a room. He swears he didn’t want it . He said he didn’t want anyone else–just to get “out of the dark hole” he was in…and hearing the words brought him back to that feeling he got with his mom –simple, safe, warm and quiet–he said and alone with no one. It wasn’t the person–just the need for the words.

            His therapist and doctor agree there was an addiction to this feeling he got which brought him to that safe place and that’s why he kept having the lunches –to get his “drug”.

            The problem has occurred over the past 14 months where he has continually fought this healing process by avoiding details to truths b/c of his shame and guilt–and he’s become outwardly angry–again abandoning me and now blaming me…

            He’s now on 100mg of Zoloft–but he is avoiding facing what he did. He says, “I cannot face what I did to you…that I did what I said I’d never do. It wasn’t me…my mind was not making clear decisions, everything was cloudy, I couldn’t plan, think at work, do my job, think of ways to get out this hell I got into. I just wanted the words, get back to work and feel better. I didn’t want another person, definitely physical, nor even spending time with this person…just the words to feel better. I was in a hole and couldn’t get out. I couldn’t tell you –you’d leave. I kept spiraling out of control, getting deeper and deeper in a hole, needing more of the “drug (words)”.

            He feels like a failure and continues to avoid hitting this head on. This week he is to see a psychologist –instead of his therapist. One who deals with depression, anger, and avoidance tendencies.

            His GP–we went together when I saw him recently shutting me out again and turning himself off to the world…and his GP said the medicine will help with the agitation, anxiety and sadness, but a well trained person needs to help you change your thinking and ways to face things and not stuff them away. That is what happened for years, pushing bad feelings away–never facing them, avoiding bad emotions, and all of it exploded after his mother’s death.

            We have been separated in the same house for almost two months–not easy–not fun and that is where I wonder how much longer I can continue after these horrific two years plus…I love him, the cheating kills me…I have learned affairs are not about the spouse (me)—and mostly never about physical (which in his case didn’t happen often–not that it is okay–it’s never okay–it’s just evident it wasn’t a reason)–but it’s still so hard, you feel so awful and unworthy—it’s a mental mind game constantly.

            I guess my main point to write this is that even after learning about the depression–I have learned how much it messes up lives, and that it can linger even with meds and help…it’s the right mixture of help …. which is what we are still looking for.

            My heart goes out to all of you…my admiration for your courage to speak up—and to you John for writing this blog and sharing your life to help others… and I send Blessings that we all find peace and heal to be the people we were meant to be…

    • jenny says:

      oh wow! you all sound just like me. I am going through an unwanted divorce that I had to file bc my ex suffers from severe major depressive disorder (diagnosed officially) and went psychotic after his sister overdosed. she was a meth addict and our three kids are special needs. two are bipolar and the other is also major depressive/aspie. we are now believe he is bipolar as well. my ex has been having major mood swings the past 2 years, but I had a conservatorship and a guardianship over my grandparents on both my mother’s and my father’s side at the same time these last 4 years so I was so overwhelmed with that, that I don’t think I noticed him slipping. I would come home to his bullshit and his verbal and emotional abuse and got use to defending myself and the kids. I felt trapped bc I had the responsibility of the kids and my grandparents. I have to be honest with you all. I am so happy he is gone. the man I origionally married is dead. our psychiatrist told us that my ex will never come back bc he quit taking his meds. he believes they are evil. the damage is done to the brain. he has been whoring around, drinking in bars, and doing God knows what. his mother hates me and suffers depression as well since his sister overdosed on dope. I no longer have the stress of having a depressed person in my life. I don’t have to worry about who the hell is walking through that door, the mood swings, the abuse, and his bullshit. I miss the man I married. the man I married for the first 12 years was wonderful….he’s dead. my ex is suicidal…the cold truth is that if my ex killed himself I would not care. I’m so burned out from the abandonment and the abuse from the depression I just don’t care anymore

      • Hannah says:

        I understand your relief from his disease, Jenny. As much as I loved and will forever love my husband…. Now ex husband…. Life is easier without his moods and lack of happiness. Depression steals those we love much like Alzheimer’s and dementia…. The men they were…. And perhaps are still deep down…. Are swallowed by this treacherous disease. The man I miss is not the guy he has become… I am an emotional widow. Depression killed the love of my life and all that remains is a broken shell where he once stood. I am so sorry for the stress grief and loss we all must endure to the beast of depression. I wish you hope and healing….

        • Nicola says:

          Hannah and Jenny–all of you–this is so sad to me yet hits home ridiculously on the head. I feel we might end up divorced too bc the abandonment is so emotionally abusive as is the blame he tries to put on me. Mental illness has taken the lives of 3 of my cousins who were severely depressed–but you never find that out until after. So many people don’t understand it.

          I too Jenny have thought if he died it would be easier—I am embarrassed to say that, but it’s true. It’s also an easy out for me if I am honest bc there will no longer be the torture of a person there physically but not there emotionally, mentally, etc. I hate saying that and feel like people will state how horrible I am to have those thoughts, but this disease doesn’t only affect the depressed, it affects all those around them, specifically their significant other. I know I truly don’t want that…but it does happen, those thoughts have come to me…and others should know that it isn’t as strange that you can think that of someone you love…

          The abandonment is horrific…it’s cruel, and so very lonely. It puts me a fight mode like a momma bear being threatened to take her child…
          I wish you all well and healing…thank you for sharing…for being true to yourselves and brave to share to help others like me. I have found some peace in my day today…I am grateful!

          • Hannah says:

            The abandonment is the hardest…. And his silence. It is as though I never existed to me…. That we never happened. It is as though the man I knew that loved me disappeared… Or never happened at all. That is the most painful part of it…. Thinking the person that knew saw and loved the real you thinks youvare nothing. Less tgan nothing. It is as rhough he flipped a switch to hate. He cannot see the truth in the good of us. I refuse to fall for depression’s lies, however. We were real…. It was love…. I didn’t make it up for almost ten years. Our love was beautiful until depression stole him from himself…. Therein robbing me of him. Ni contact kills me. The best friend I shared everything with daily has disappeared, and all I am left with is memories that feel more like a dream as the days pass. Everyone says move on…. But how to you move forward when it was never your choice to let go? He gave up on us…. But most importantly… Depression made gim give up on himself and fed and continues to feed him lies that he du the right thing. I feel thrown away… I feel like everything I knew was real and lived and trusted was a lie. I wish I had answers… However, I know even he doesn’t have them because someone with clarity wouldnt cower behind silence. I pray someday we will understand in order to heal. I just don’t believe it will be anytime soon. I pray… And pray…. And pray some more. I hope and try to hold love in my heart not for the callous shell of a man he has become but for that beoken little boy inside rhat couldn’t look in my eyes as he walked away with ease.

  85. S says:

    After two weeks of separation, I feel like sharing my story of living and breaking up with my now-ex partner. It’s been a short, but very wild journey, full of ups and downs. I’ve been writing on this same website in December last year. Now, almost half a year later, what I feared back then had happened. But let’s start at the beginning. After having spent roughly a year writing to each other every day, we decided to meet up. We live in two different countries, and after just two weeks seeing each other in “real life”, we decided upon trying to be in a relationship. This may sound rushed, but those two weeks were so absolutely wonderful that it just seemed like the best decision, even now that I broke up I do not deem it stupid or un-thoughtful. I knew about her depression, but back then it only affected my now-expartner’s wellbeing once or twice a month, when she would have massive bouts of feeling unwell and hopeless. I was able to deal with it and she promised to see a therapist as soon as she could afford one and had enough time for it. That had me optimistic. She was unstable though – when not depressed, she would talk about a future together, about children, an apartment we would share and how to paint the bedroom walls, what job she could imagine herself having when she finally had her degree and how she would think of me as the perfect partner for those joint life projects. But when she was depressed, she’d talk about the cancer risk in her family and how she would shoot herself when she’d be affected by the illness, and would talk about her past, how her dad was abusive towards her and how she had a suicide attempt in her teenage years. This had me worry, but those days were still few and I convinced myself that with proper therapy she’d snap out of that mindset. Oh boy, how wrong I’ve been. After some time in a relationship with her – and happy so – she went through trouble with her family. They kicked her out and the financial situation grew worse. Naturally, she was in a horrible mood, and understandably so. Thus, I supported her in the ways I could, and forgave her when she was cranky, cynical and negative about everything. It was perfectly reasonable for her to feel shit. But the mood didn’t go away. I didn’t understand what was wrong, and searched for the reason. At first I assumed I did something wrong, maybe said something that had upset her (you never know)? Christmas came, and it didn’t get better. We had our first major fight, I’ve spent the night crying, confused as to why she behaved in ways I couldn’t understand. At a certain point I understood, now almost relieved as I started to convince her into therapy, but she refused and instead said she’d just “kill herself if it gets worse”. She later claimed she just said that because she wanted to cut the conversation, but it scared me to the bone. From that point on it just went downhill. We still had a great sex life, but apart from that, communication and social activity together grew tiresome and exhausting. She’d have moments of total irritability, where she’d behave like a robot, walking in total silence and way too fast ahead of me when we went back from meeting friends, later lying next to me in bed and watching me as I cried, with a blank face. Near Easter, it grew so bad she told me that she didn’t love me; she’d feel the pain of a “gaping open wound in her chest” instead. She was never insulting me, never behaved abusively, never blamed me or said I was at fault; she seemed really upset and angry at herself for feeling like she did. She cried, and I said I’d wait for her to get better, also crying. It was heartbreaking. I felt utterly destroyed, and wanted to spend the night at her friend’s place (I didn’t have any friends near because I lived in another country), which made her mad. The situation grew worse and messy, but we somehow managed to find common ground anew. As we broke up, the next morning she wanted to have sex with me. Puzzled, but too occupied by hopes and dreams flaring up at that sign of affection, I agreed. After that, I left, feeling confused but still hopeful. We spent three months in a weird semi-relationship state, where we weren’t a couple but not really, and we were broken up but also not really. She came to me with wishes and hopes for our future, told me about things she wanted to do to make me happy, make it work – and the next day shatter those hopes when she said “this has no future”, “you deserve better” and “I am not the one you need”. The phases of happiness and hope grew scarce, and her depressed periods extended to days and sometimes whole weeks. She apologized for her behavior, and I was patient with her, but at a certain point it was too much. I had bouts of anxiety myself, old overthinking issues that I had in my teenage years suddenly came back, haunting me and making it all unbearable. We broke up and agreed on no contact. It was incredibly hard as we still loved each other deeply. There hasn’t been abuse; there has been no blaming, no shouting and no mean words. Just despair, depression, anxiety and fear. And it wrecked everything.

  86. Trisha says:

    I wish I had found this website in the weeks leading up to our break up. It would have shed a great deal of insight into why my ex went from a loving, attentive lover to someone who shut down and pushed me away for months, before finally breaking up with me. I did everything the article mentioned, tried to be loving, supportive but as much as he withdraw, I panicked and worried I was losing him. And I ended up doing just that. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me but he also never wanted me to witness the anger in him. I am so confused. I didn’t want this breakup, I do understand he has nothing to give me emotionally, but the only thing I can do is take it very slowly, staying in his life, making no demands and talking less than before, but at least talking. I don’t know if this is enough, if in his depression, he’s already moved on, but right up to t he end, he said he loved me and I don’t think he can change that overnight, even though he’s emotionally numb. I know I love him and will wait without pressure until he’s sorted himself out, unless he tells me clearly and finally he doesn’t want me in his life. But so far, it’s all been mixed signals: he still cares but the depression makes him not know what to do. Thank you so much for t his blog. It’s helped enormously.

    • Sophi says:

      Leading up to the breakup I felt the same way. I became so paranoid that everything was going wrong and I just didn’t know what to do. I knew the end was coming about a week before it happened and coincidently he said thats when re started considering the breakup. He said he never wanted me to see what his past had done to him. That he had managed to suppress the feelings for so long that he doesn’t know what to do if he ever really shows them. I still love him deeply and what happened hurts, it just hurts more knowing I can’t really do anything to help him because nothing is going to change until he decides to get help but I’m always going to be there for him in case that day comes.

      • Trisha says:

        I really feel for you, Sophi. You have my sympathy and understanding. Our stories are all remarkably similar. Maybe there’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this, that there are others like myself who are struggling every day with a depressed loved one. I have reestablished communication with him, but it’s on a different level now, more friends as he wished. His last remarks was no commitment as he couldn’t give himself to me. Understandable, but like you i know he loves me and I love him. Depression is the monster standing in the middle and I have to go through his depression like an intermediary to get to him. When I do, there is anger that he’s never displayed before over things that would be irrelevant or handled differently under other circumstances, and despite the depression, I’ve let him know when he’s gone too far and hurt me. And that’s an important lesson I’ve learned: as important as I think it is to nurture him now and support him, it’s just as important to take care of myself, to not be a focal point for his frustration, but to the best of my ability, remain neutral and a person he can talk to, no matter his mood. I’ve gotten a therapist to help me with my resultant depression and that has been a key factor in helping my ex and myself remain on an even keel, emotionally. Without that help, I would spend most of my own time crying.

        • Sophi says:

          I empathize with you Trisha, I really do. I agree it is very comforting to know I’m not going through this alone and that others can relate to me and vice versa. I’m trying to take care of myself and that is why I have agreed to step away for a little bit but not completely. We agreed that it would be best for both of us to not see each other for a while because our feelings are to strong and would cause more problems than help, though we do still talk on the phone and text. Its all just so hard and frustrating because I can’t tell him how I really feel without making him feel worse, so to him I lie and tell him I’m fine and that his wellbeing is more important. While his well being is the most important, I am not okay…I think I’m going to start seeing a therapist to help with that, I’ve already started looking around. If I do then maybe, just maybe he’ll agree seeing one aswell does not make him weak.

          • Kristin says:

            Hi Trisha & Sophi,

            How are things going now? I’m fairly new to this (he blew up on me a few weeks ago on a cruise). Leading up to this he was being extremely rude to me which wasn’t like him. He moved into his mom’s 4 days ago. But still contacts me daily. Came over twice already. I’m so lost. He keeps saying we will fix us once he fixes himself & he wants me to fix my issues with my family. Then we can fix us together. But is that just him being nice? If he’s being honest, when will that be? 2 months…2 years? He changed meds & is to be calling a therapist until he can get into a psych.

            This is the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through.

    • Caz says:

      Hey Trisha, its been 2 months now…. any updates on how you are two going… are you guys on speaking terms? just reading post after post and never any updates on how its going after a few months. Hope is well!

      • Trisha says:

        Hi Caz, thank you for the post. I’d been working with a therapist to help with the break up as it was a very bad time for me. Long story short, I realized he wasn’t going to contact me and made peace with it, and then he did. So we emailed and chatted back and forth since the end of June. He’s gone for professional help and has also had some sad times in his life but I thought he handled them well. However, for the past few weeks, he’s been reverting back to his previous behaviour, posting with “friends” on a website and more or less pushing me away which may be his way of dealing with stress, becoming distant, but now I’ve worked through the major pain of the break up and am not in the same place as before, so I’m ready to just stop trying and let him go. I wish this could have had a happier ending, but also see that the cards were on the table when he broke it off with me. He doesn’t really want me anymore, I’m not sure if he loves me and I don’t think he is sure either, and I don’t want to ever be put in the same destructive emotional position as I was before.

  87. Violet says:

    I have been reading these articles and forums and glad to find that I am not alone but still feeling lost and hopeless.

    I was with my partner for almost a year, the relationship wasn’t perfect but I felt that we really loved each other, then one day I came over to hang out at his place and my stuff was packed up. He still didn’t have the courage to talk to me, I asked about it and he made an excuse then proceeded to watch TV. I didn’t want to leave it at that so I tried to talk more about it. He ended up saying he just wanted to be alone, then when I left he asked for his keys back. I said I didn’t want to lose him and that I would wait until his life settled down but he said that was just putting more pressure on him. I backed off but asked that he give it a few days to think about what he was doing.

    A couple days laster we talked on the phone and he said the real issue was that he wanted kids. I have a teenager and have had my tubes tied but I am open to other ways of having children if the situation was right. He said that I was older and that we didn’t have the energy. He struggles with anxiety, depression and addiction so although I feel that having a family is a pretty big leap for him to make, but if he can make that happen for himself that he deserves it as I really do want him to be happy. We had a good conversation, I asked to be friends but he said he didn’t want to give me false hope and that he would find it hard as he still loves me. We didn’t really talk much for about a week then he called me and asked to see me. I said that I thought that would be good as things ended so suddenly and that I would like to be friends.

    When I saw him the next day we had sex and watched TV and in a lot of ways it was like things were normal. He said he changed too many things at once (he was also changing medications). Then we hung out a few more times, but didn’t say “I love you” or talk about what it meant. I was trying not to pressure him as I don’t think he knows what he wants.

    A week ago Saturday we hung out and I spent the night at his place. Sunday night he called me in a panic attack. Monday we texted a bit and he said he was going to see his Dr to talk about going back on Ativan which he has abused in the past. On Tues I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said he really wasn’t feeling well but that he promised to call me that night. I haven’t heard from him since and it has been over a week now.

    I know I could contact him, but I am not ready for more rejection. I know that I need to move on with my life as I see nothing but pain arising from this. Even if a miracle happened and he wanted me back and was himself again, I know I would always be waiting for this to happen again. Yet I am back and forth between missing him so much and knowing that I need to move on. I can’t stop crying and I feel like I can’t move forward at all.

    I feel like I need to talk to him, but I know that it is unlikely to make anything better, and even if it does it is only a bandaid. In some ways I wish I never met him, yet I love him so intensely. I am so confused.

    • Kristin says:

      I agree with everything you said, Violet. I was on my own for 3 years before him because a prior partner did something similar to me (but because he was younger and selfish, but still always wanted me back). I’m a good catch, loyal, guys wondered why I was single & I said because I’m afraid to be hurt. And I finally decided to date this guy and trusted in him with everything I had and knew he was my forever. Then BAM, out of nowhere this happened. Yes, we had our issues at times, but we had just been planning so much & he seemed loving & got me flowers & we hadn’t really fought in a while. I was blindsided. Makes me almost feel like I still stayed single so I don’t have to feel this pain and the memories. But at the same time I don’t regret the happiness and memories we’ve shared. Ugh. Hardest thing ever.

  88. Tyler says:

    My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship.
    She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can’t do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I’ve said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.
    Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?
    One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.
    She has made plans to see her doctor and I’m glad she told me this. The decision wasn’t made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.
    I honestly don’t know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I’m feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.
    Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I’m grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.
    We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.
    I’ve never expressed myself to anyone in such a way, let alone on a website.
    Any advise or suggestions would be a warm help.

    • Steven says:

      I don’t think I can offer any help other than feel your situation as this is like right out of my own life at this moment.
      I don’t know if my partner is depressed or not, but she has been showing all the symptoms lately, with all sorts of issues adding onto her stress… me not realizing this to its full extent tried to be there, and show support, possibly too much so after she asked for time and space.
      She has been struggling with work, health issues, body image, family ++ and i guess the last thing she needed was to feel like she was failing being there for me as well…
      From planning on moving in together, fixing up the flat, and so on… she got a call from the hospital asking her to come in, and since then it just crumbled.
      She still wants to be friends, she just doesn’t have the right feelings for me, she isnt nice to me, she isnt able to give me what i deserve etc. All this in one breakup…
      I don’t know if she is depressed and this is just her getting me away for the time being… or if she just doesnt love me anymore. Looking back I feel that all the signs of depression have been there, from changed sleep patterns to eating, irritability… I just didnt notice till it was too late. Me telling her that I would always be there for her, pushed her over the edge…

      • Tyler says:


        Our two stories are very similar. I was told that she has to leave because she can’t love me when she can’t love or be happy with herself.
        This was very hard for to take in, as I’m still dealing with it now. Today I made contact and with the help of a close friend, small talk was the key. No question, just a simple – Hope all is well.
        I did receive a reply and it was simple, not what I wanted to hear because I do have alot of questions, but now is not the time.
        Ive decided to write down what I want to say to her and go over it a few times and when the time comes, I will send it her way. She may not like it, but more my sake, it’s a peace of mind letter. Im able to write down how I’m feeling, the way in which I was affected and my side of the matter.

        At the end of the day I understand she needs help and she has started that process. If by being distant and being just a mate is what’s needed then so be it. As much as I want to know what her feelings are toward me and wanting to know if we will ever be together again, I have to respect that she needs time.

        Im doing the best I can, talking to close friends and telling them exactly how I feel. Im not one to open up about this sort of stuff, but the weight got too heavy on my shoulders. Yeah I’ve cried, yelled and gotten angry. As I keep being reminded, it’s not my fault. It’s not her fault, it’s just a disgusting condition that needs to be healed.

        • Giovanna says:

          Reading your story is exactly what happened to me. So I understand how you both feel. We were together with my be for 3 years, and in the last months I had a talk to him because I wanted to build a future together (at least moving to live together)…which is reasonable as he is 31, we both have good jobs, etc. I tried to talk about it before but he just avoided it. After this he felt really bad, guilty because he was panic and just went home to think. Next day he told me he felt terrible, selfish but he did see a future with me but not immediately as he have move recently from his apartment to a house with co-workers, maybe next year. I think it was ok, but in the last month I felt like he was distant (he had all the depression symptoms clearly, but I couldn’t realize it), so I started hanging out more frequently with my friends to give him space and don’t feel like I was the only one priorizing the relationship. We had no sex for a couple of months, but he had a back injure with lot of pain. He went to surgery last month. 5 days ago he confessed he had depression, he was seeing a Dr and was taking meds since one month, but felt anxious and could not sleep so he went to a therapist. He told me he realized he felt anxious because he could not take a decision about our future together and he felt he was holding me back and I that did not deserve it because it was selfish and that he wanted to go through this alone. The therapist told him he was a bit immature and that they will work in that. I told him he was breaking up with and he told me that not, that he needed a break to resolve this alone. Then I just told him that I would leave so he could have space, when we say good by he hugged me and could not stop crying. I just a feel so bad.
          The thing is that I do not believe in breaks and I told him, and makes me feel very guilty that I kind of pressured him because I did not know he was depressed. But it is normal in a long relationship Keep taking steps for a project together.
          I don’t know if moving on with my life, I just feel that it would not be good for myself keep waiting with the illusion he may come back. But, I also think that he is seeking help because this was killing him inside, and he is doing that effort.
          I feel I am going down to depression as he had taken out a part of me.
          Hope you are better now, and I feel better to write this down as he did not want me to tell anybody as not even his family know about his I’ll.

          • Taylor says:

            I’m curious how everything turned out for these people… no one ever answers how it turned out…

        • Kristin says:

          Hi Tyler – what is your current status?

  89. Lolafisk says:

    I can’t tell you how much this page has helped me.

    A week ago or so my boyfriend split with me. Naturally as you do, regardless of what’s been said you blame yourself. Up until today.
    He suffers from depression, as do I. Now when I get depressed, I go through phases of clinging onto him and then pushing him away then not wanting to hurt him and so on. His depression has hit really hard this time around, and so he ended it with me. This page has made me realise, it’s because, the way he’s feeling, he doesn’t see an end. He doesn’t feel the love because it’s clouded by his depression. He’s lost interest in everything and so is pushing me away and ended it with me so he doesn’t hurt me, because he doesn’t know how long this will last for him, and he doesn’t want to string me along, hurting me along the way. He wants to sort himself out and figure out how he feels, and no matter what I do or say, I’ve now realised I have to let him do that alone. I can tell him all the time I’m there for him, but it doesn’t change that until he is ready he won’t confide in me, or come back to me. He has to get his head straight to get everything else straight, and that alone can only be done by him and by how he feels. He often uses the phrase ‘if you’re not happy yourself, you can’t make another person happy’ ;which has all started to make sense to me now, after reading this page included. He loves me and I know that, I can feel it by the way he is to me. He still wants to see me and be friends with me and be close with me, he wants me to be his best friend just as we always have been. But he doesn’t want the romantic ties right now because he needs to get it clear to himself without anything holding him back from thinking straight. He loves me and cares about me and wants me in his life, but because of that he doesn’t want it to be romantic, because he’s going through such a roller coaster of emotions and having no emotions, that he doesn’t want to hurt me along the way. Almost like he’s doing what he is doing, in order to protect me from himself. So it’s not unfair on either of us so we can still be in each others lives. He still talks about our future, and says he loves me, misses me and looks forward to seeing me and gets nervous to see me (that’s a big hint in my books that he still loves me, right?) so I just need to be patient. Give him support where needed, and space where needed. Big thankyou to this page for the HUGE epiphany!

    • Kenzie298 says:

      Your post has really helped me. I am going through the exact same thing and no matter what I do I can not wrap my head around it or try to make sense of it all. Everyone tells me stop talking to him and if it’s meant to be he will come back but I love him too much to abandon him. Sometimes I think maybe I should stop talking to him and see if he comes back but this post really helped me understand a little better.

  90. D says:

    I’m unsure my partner agrees that depression is the issue. Would it be wrong to show them this article? It’s the first thing I’ve read that’s actually made me be able to make any sense of my situation.

    • Maz says:

      It’s up to you. But if he isn’t coming back what do you have to lose by showing him this, and if it is it might help.

      It’s taken two months for the person I care about to go to the doctors and get medication. And he knew he was depressed and needed help.

      So if your guy doesn’t even realise then maybe this will help him make the links to why he is doing what he is doing.

      But be prepared it’s not easy and it might not go the way you want at first. I just had to stick with it and keep trying.

      Much support being sent your way.

  91. Maz says:

    We have been together over 10years and I’m only 24. And we were so happy then out of the blue on Valentine’s Day, he just left. It’s so confusing, as everything he says is so conflicted. He left because it wasn’t fair on me and he couldn’t ever make me happy. He need space to get back to his old self and feel better. Then in the next instance, he says he wanted to be with me in the future and sees me as the future mother of his children.

    He is even more down and depressed now because he left me, he says things like I would never leave you and would never do that, but I did and I don’t know why. But none of this feels real.

    In two months I’ve seen him three times, and he has broken down bad each time.

    I think he wants to be with me but there is something stopping him. But then I don’t know if I’m just holding on to something that isn’t there.

    I just love him no matter what. Yesterday, he went to the doctors for the first time and they gave him antidepressants so that is a big step forward.

    We talk everyday, which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Only by text.

    He says it needs to be over because he isn’t happy with anything or anyone. And even the good was making everything worse.

    He keeps telling me to move on and forget about him. To fall in love and find someone normal who will love me more. He had issues with sex but I didn’t care about that but to him it’s was the biggest thing in the world.

    But then in the next instance he would say when you meet someone which you will, you will fall in love and do all the things we planned, and it will destroy me and make me so sad. He has only said these things when he had a break down then when he comes out of it it’s like ok, I just want you to be happy.

    So I’m really not sure what to think. I just don’t know, and about want to be naive and think that there is hope.

    I’ve typed this on my phone and very emotionally so might not make sense. Sorry.

    • Gina says:

      The same thing happened to me last month with a partner of 10 years but we’re not really in contact, I haven’t heard a peep from him in two weeks. For all I know he could have moved on and is happy without me, but he was increasingly depressed from July. The pain of this is enormous, and knowing that he could have just left it like that so easily forever kills me. Knowing would be easier even if knowing meant he’d never see me again. It’s so unbearable.

      • Maz says:

        I can’t say because I don’t know, but jut give it some time and space. Remember it’s the depression that clouds everything.

        When he first left, he was fine, moved back home, started to go out more. He was texting me, but was seeming to be doing really well. And it was killing me as I wasn’t at all.

        I felt so low because I thought how can that be. His sister got cancer and a really aggressive form, he moved back home into a small box room and left me.

        I asked him how he was doing? As it wasn’t getting easier for me. And he said, to be honestly, I’m actually happy. I feel like I’m getting back to me.

        And that’s really what I wanted for him. But it destroyed me, I didn’t say anything just took it. But it killed me. How bad was it with me if your happy now. And it wasn’t bad with us we use to laugh all the time and never argued. We had banter so it wasn’t boring. It was good.

        But then like two days later. He had another massive breakdown. A really big one. So I don’t know if he was just pretending or it was his head making him feel like that.

        This was all at the start, as time has gone one he has been more open with me.

        • Maz says:

          For me it’s like living in limbo. I want him back and will forgive him. But it’s all up to him. And talking makes it hard too, there is no easy way.

          Because, I keep getting hope he will come back. Then in the next convo, he is telling me it’s over and I need to move on.

          My head is all over.

  92. Louise says:


    My boyfriend of 3 years finished with me suddenly after a counselling session 5 weeks ago. We were due to be getting married in 4 weeks time, but he called the wedding off in November. He has both depression and survivor’s guilt, as he is a widower. He also has a mother with narcissistic personality disorder who controls and manipulates his every move (and very much dislikes anyone else getting close to him).

    After his wife died, he had gutted his house before she even had her funeral. I knew it had been quick, but hadn’t realised how quick until recently. After I left 5 weeks ago, his friend told me he done the same to the house within the week. In fact, as I was moving my stuff out, I was having to take delivery for his new things – it was literally that quick.

    I have a 6 year old step son and am beside myself with worry on the effect of all this on him. His mum died one night while he was asleep and the the house was changed immediately. His stepmum was gone one morning when he woke up and the house changed again.

    Everyone is concerned for both of them. I haven’t been able to see my step son since, and I’ve loved my ex-partner for 16 years (we were originally together in our early 20s).

    ANY advice or thoughts you can give me on how to deal with the whole mess would very gratefully received. I love them both so much and am so worried.

  93. emma says:

    Hi there my name is emma my partner has aspergers and depression we have been together for over 2 years he has always had upers and downers. The first 4 months where amazing then we became homeless and someone with aspergers that a big thing after that we was in a lot of shared homes forms year losing more and more of him fights happened every day because he was stressed and didn’t know how to cope with it. Then we moved in our new home a year later fights still happening intermes less and less also an acholic. What I didn’t no till recently is when you fight with someone with aspergers they take things more to heart so the more I was saying stuff back picking on himndncalling nasty names with his deprisson it was making him worse. Had 5 days away and I came back on the tue and we had such any amazing day and sex after so long the next day he wanted to go a mates so thought nothing of it and of he went, sending me lovely text all night saying “missing you so much” can’t wait to see you” missing holding you” and love you so much. The next day got a text saying we need to talk! The dread words in any relationship 🙁 my heart sank* he came home to collect his closes he was cold and shut of not the man I knew, he was lost on his feeling so I suggested a week apart and no contact so he can get his head sorted and no to make a rash desion yet. Anyway he got to his mates and said that he will speak soon and loves and misses me. 24 hrs later by my shock text me after he already said wasn’t going to talk to me for a week. He was checking up on me seeing if I’m OK saying he loves and misses me and his sorry for all this *sweet yes?? No after that and crying cos I was happy tears turned into sad ones…. His in a bad place right now his still not his self and confused” wait I no of course its only been one day but then ” I don’t no if I can commit o anything right now, and I’m really sorry that could change but I’m not promising anything right now, and don’t no how like it will take” then others saying I’m not sure the physical side will come back because it hasnt been there for a while” witch I wouldn’t mind but we did it before I went away for 5 days and then when I came back on the Tue :/ but I said that will come back in time your not your self right now. Then left it with goodbye speak osoon please take care of yourself love and miss you loads…. So as you can tell I’m so lost confused and messed up. Not knowing if I have lost him if he does still love me or even if he wants me keep getting mixed texts 🙁 my family have said because depression is like talking to different people one good and one bad his confused and lost. But still loves you cos he text you asking how you are after a day when he said a week. Can you help me

  94. Anita says:

    Well my husband of almost 2.5 yrs, left home and left my 3 kids at home on their own as I was in hospital. There was no warning signs or anything. Its been 7 weeks now since he left home and he has come home to visit 2 times. He said he needs to sort his head out, and the voices in his head are very loud. He has given me no indication that he wants a divorce or not be together, only that he needs time to sort himself out. At times he will block me from messaging him which i dont understand at all. He says he will be coming home but whens that? whenever I ask him that I need to talk to him, he shuts down. I am mentally tired and feel like Im going crazy. I love and miss him so much. What to do???

  95. cargonauta says:

    Hi, here is Luisa,
    I have to thanks everyone is writing on this blog cause reading it have been a big relief for me.

    When i met my ex-boyfriend i didn’t realise he was depressed, i just thought he was introvert and i always justified him with the difference of our cultures (he is english i’m italian). For the first two months everything went ok, we where living together since the beginning of our relationship cause of a project we were participating. After the first two months we had the first fight and since that day everything start changing. He was spending every day in front of his computer and i start to be completely transparent for him. He started to rejecting me, he refused to have sex and often just be close with me. I started to be confused and the only answer i could receive from him were blaming me cause i wasn’t enough sexy or i was pressuring him. He is a really clever man i couldn’t realise he was going trough a depression period so i start to blame myself cause i couldn’t give him what he needs, he has never been so direct with me but the feelings i always get was that i wasn’t never enough. Anyway i started really to live in a nightmare because he never spoke with me about his sickness and always he pretended to be ok and i was the one that was crazy. We were living in Greece at that time and we both had no friends there, i felt completely alone and abandoned most of the time, and above all i was full of guilty feelings. So I started to get a lot of anxiety that sometimes took me to have huge panic attacks.
    After few months he decided to broke with me telling me that he didn’t felt anything for me and the relationship wasn’t working because of me panicking. He also told me that i should see a therapist and he didn’t want to deal with my problems.
    I was completely shocked. I’ve been tried so hard to do whatever i could for him, i spent many times thinking that i was not good enough and everything was collapsing because of me.
    After we broke he completely disappear, i’ve tried a couple of time to contact him but he always acts like he despises me, so to don’t keep hurting myself i’ve stopped to do it.
    Now it is two months i have no news from him, he never wrote to me or contact me in any way. i know that he is living completely alone, he never leaves the house spending all the time in front of his computer. He has no friends or at least nobody real to spend time with and he has problems to fall asleep.
    I want to say that i’ve never tried to change him, for me he has always been a beautiful soul and i keep thinking of him and watching my mail box waiting for few lines.
    I would like to tell him that i still love him and now i know that he was behaving like that because of depression but i have fear of his reaction.
    i don’t know what to do.

    • Estrella says:

      Hi luisa,
      Sorry to hear that. I have to admit I can’t understand how you stayed in the relationship when after only 2 months it became to go downhill. I think it’s time for you to take care of you and start a new start, he obviously doesn’t want your help and so since the very beginning. He will probably stay in that state for long, think about it, he can’t move forward in life for now but you can, it’s gonna be hard at first but I’m sure life will smile at you again.. good luck

  96. monicaflower says:

    I’d appreciate some perspective on this relationship situation which is completely sending my head into a spin.

    I’d been in a two year relationship when my boyfriend suddenly called time on our relationship a few weeks ago. He is a little younger than me – I am 31, he is 26. His previous relationship broke down after five years and he told me it was because she wanted commitment (marriage and kids) and he didn’t.

    Before we got together we had the discussion and I said want children one day, and that he would too, but not for a good few years. After being together for just four months, absolutely unexpectedly, I fell pregnant.

    We both decided after much deliberation and long conversations, to keep the baby. A few weeks later I miscarried. He was devastated, and said we would do this again in the future when the time was right. He lived in a different city and planned to move over to be with me, which he is currently in the process of doing – but he broke up with me.

    During our time together, he has told me he suffers with depression. He is a very mature, intelligent and talented man in many ways, and is a feminist, non-judgemental. My ideal guy, we were so happy and I genuinely believed this was true intimacy.

    The only issues being his inability to handle any sort of relationship conflict whereby he literally runs away or shuts down whenever anything is raised. I see an element of ‘bickering’ as being normal in a relationship. Apparently in his previous relationship no one ever raised anything.

    Six months ago I got an insight into the depth of his depression. He was unhappy in his job but seemed in good cheer, we were having a few drinks on the top floor of a hotel when he suddenly shut down and said he couldn’t stop thinking about jumping off the top.

    I followed him back to his apartment where he was still inconsolable; sat on the floor and started to cut his arms with knives from the kitchen. I was trying to prise them from him and he would pick up other things – a corkscrew, anything. I had to call the police who also couldn’t get him to put down the knife, so they tasered him. I love him so much and to see him drop to the ground like that in such internal suffering, I will never forget it.

    After that happened he promised to get some counselling – this never materialised and he won’t push for it. He just snapped out of it the next day and acted like nothing ever happened.
    Since that event, he has been offered an incredible opportunity in the same city as me – working as an artist and exhibiting, travelling across Europe and generally being his dream job. I was absolutely thrilled that he would be happy now, and closer to me.

    Unfortunately during this time I lost my job. It’s worth noting that I have also struggled with depression, but have had two rounds of therapy which allows me to manage everything well with hard work. The loss of my job led me to feel quite unstable, and I was a little more needy than usual, worried about the future.

    He reassured me that we had a wonderful future together and whatever I do, not to worry as we would be together.
    He went out with his new artist buddies and we arranged to meet at a certain time. He was not there, and I couldn’t get in touch with him. Because of what happened before I panicked, it had been 45 mins and no response. When he finally picked up his phone he was nonchalant and said he was just having drinks and got carried away chatting about progressing his art in China. I had been waiting for him for all this time! I was equal parts relieved and livid and admittedly shouted down the phone at him just forgetting me like that and making me worry.

    He simply switched off his phone, got on a train back home and didn’t even bother to tell me. He finished things via text, and then apologised the next day.

    He was still acting completely loved up, but said he couldn’t meet me because he was ‘doing laundry’ on his birthday. I got upset, and then he dropped the bombshell via text – the ‘we need to talk’ and that he doesn’t think he can be responsible for my happiness, that he doesn’t think about his future with me in the same way I do.

    He then asked for space for a week and finished it over the phone. He said he has serious issues surrounding commitment and when it comes to getting on board with something serious, he just can’t do it. He said he knows he has a lot to work through and that it just wouldn’t be fair on me to carry on.
    He’s completely switched off, is seemingly super happy with his new friends and career. I feel bereft, we were like best friends – it was him talking about the future – how is it possible to trust another man? I am so utterly confused.

    What do people think? Was this for the best? Should I just forget about him and move on?

  97. melanie says:

    I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. We have been happy most of the time and even started talking marriage in November. He has recently completed his masters thesis & was relying on obtaining a scholarship but missed out.Since then, he has been quite down.

    A month ago he came to visit me but ignored me all day. We went to bed that night & he wanted nothing to do with me. The following day, he broke up with me. I got nothing from him other than “I dont know” & “no” when I suggested counselling.The next day he said he thought he’d made a mistake but wasnt convinced we would work. Again, no explanation as to why.

    A week later we were talking (only online mind you) & he insisted he still loved me & didnt know why he was doing this. A week ago, i received a call from him saying “sorry we need to move on” & he hung up & blocked my number. He wouldn’t let me speak at all. 48 hours later I was admitted to hospital for exhaustion. My friend reached out to him & he agreed we need to talk & apparently became very emotional (crying etc).

    A week later I insisted to speak to him so he knew where I was at.I wanted to meet with him in person however he refused & stated he “wasnt ready”. He reluctantly agreed to let me call him & I said he didnt need to say anything. During the call, he seemed like a very different person.Normally he is talkative, warm & intouch with his feelings. Instead, he was completely disconnected and said he doesnt love me.I questioned him why he said he loved me previously but he didnt really give me an answer. He just kept saying it over & over and it sounded almost robotic. I said to him we need to keep communication lines open because at this point I dont know what’s going on in his head. He denied it & said talking will do nothing.

    I said to him I cant move on if I dont know what is happening with us. I said it will be incredibly difficult for me to enter a new relationship knowing we have virtually been “perfect” this whole time, and now this.He said absolutely nothing.

    I asked him if he was wanting a new relationship and he insisted he didnt.

    I asked him what he would feel if I started a relationship with someone else & he felt uncomfortable answering that question & eventually said “FINE! I dont care” after insisting the question was inappropriate to ask him. He sounded incredibly flustered. I also asked him if he wanted me out of his life & he didnt seem to like that idea either and insisted he wanted to be friends but he couldn’t do that right now.

    I asked him why he hasn’t had any communication with me and is making decisions without my input and he has said “I’ve been getting over you”.

    He broke the news to his friends and theyre in total shock. They have questioned him why but he doesnt have an explanation at all. They have said he seems to “retreat”. One of them visited me on Friday and he said it’s all very disconnected and nothing like the Cameron that we know (they are very close friends).

    Another friend of his (who mind you is incredibly narsasistic when he wants to be) contacted me when I raised concerns about Cameron’s behaviour and he deflected everything back on me claiming I am “the crazy one” and that he’s been unhappy for 12 months. Total news to me, so it makes me wonder if he is just being his typical horrible self to defend Cameron’s actions. I wasnt asking him to get involved, I was just concerned (as we ALL are).

    Last night, I found out he has joined a dating website. It says he only wants friendship, but it still makes me feel ill to the stomach… it’s not like him at all to do anything like this.

    I feel like he has mistaken our relationship for unhappiness when it’s truly the thesis… the thesis has just been released (3 weeks ago) and he has acknowledged me in the ‘special thanks’ section. He submitted this in December and this mess all started at the end of January. If he truly felt this way, I dont think I would have been mentioned.

    he has sucked the life out of me and im starting to feel like a crazy person because of it… i am here for him and dont want to lose him, but i dont know where the real Cameron is. Im desperate for him to wake up.

    im torn as to where to go from here.

    Is this behaviour common of someone who suffers from anxiety/depression? I cant help to think that he’s putting on a big front to protect himself.

    • Melissa says:

      We have been together over 10years and I’m only 24. And we were so happy then out of the blue on Valentine’s Day, he just left. It’s so confusing, as everything he says is so conflicted. He left because it wasn’t fair on me and he couldn’t ever make me happy. He need space to get back to his old self and feel better. Then in the next instance, he says he wanted to be with me in the future and sees me as the mother of his children.

      He is even more down and depressed now as because he left me, he says things like I would never leave you and would never do that, but I did and I don’t know why. But none of this feels real.

      In two months I’ve seen him three times, and he has broken down bad each time.
      He has only seen me because once o was scared had done something stupid so turned up at his parents house the other two were to move out.

      Other than that he doesn’t wanna talk on the phone or see me. He can’t even look at me when he does.

      He says it needs to be over because he isn’t happy with anything or anyone. And even the good was making everything worse.

      He keeps telling me to move on and forget about him. To fall in love and find someone normal who will love me more. He had issues with sex but I didn’t care about that but to him it’s was the biggest thing in the world.

      But then in the next instance he would say when you meet someone which you will, you will fall in love and do all the things we planned, and it will destroy me and make me so sad. He has only said these things when he had a break down then when he comes out of it it’s like ok, I just want you to be happy.

      we were the same soooo happy no problem no arguments then overnight he changed. Just after years of struggling to support him through his masters everything was working out ok.

      Honestly, reading this sounds like we are talking about the same person. I don’t blame him, I blame something that is going on with him and his head.

      I’m just making sure I’m there for him where I can. But it is the hardest thing in the world.

      How’s things with you?

  98. estrella says:

    Hi, thank you for your insist it is important to understand how our partner is thinking since it makes no sense to us. In a matter of a week, I’ve been treated from “her soulmate”, the “one”, the fiance & best friend to barely a friend. I know she has been depressed since I met her, I noticed some signs ; she called me once I was on the field,barely few months after we started dating, drunk and lost ; that was the first time I noticed how she would use alcohol “to shut her emotions” or mostly her brain. Now I look back and see many many signs like when she told before meeting me, she always thought she would die young. Concerned by so dark thoughts, I suggested her to get help and I had an angry answer “never”. I did explain I just wanted her to understand how she could feel like that. She is an anxious-depressive for sure, she has a way to shut down her feelings as she says but she never ever included me in that process, always letting me come back to her in a matter of hours. This time, after 3 years of relantionship, just when we were starting “our year” as she used to say, looking for my first job and planning on moving definitevely together, she breaks up with me. She’s had a very isolated week in her new work (changed teams 3 times in 3 years, I was hoping this one would be easier for her, she was never happy with the previous team and in the new one, suddenly the last one was good) and couldn’t text me all day long like we use to. She ended up having to face her dark thoughts and the depression got worse. In a week, barely after buying my ticket planes to be together in march for 3 months (which she was really happy about), she decides to take a break and couldn’t promise anything for March. One week later, after one night being drunk and admitting it, she calls and says she wants to break up, can’t wait a month, wants my stuff out right away or threatens to give it to goodwill. Instead of changing my ticket plane dates as she offered, one hour later she cancels it and says “its for the best”. I was so scared for my stuff I sent my brother the next day, insisting on her giving all because my brother won’t do that twice. It’s done, I cut contact for a week. Next week-end, she contacts me without saying hi nothing just that my brother forgot a lot of things and that she was thinking of giving me the camera (we bought it together, it’s a reminder of many beautiful memories), camera she said she wanted to keep the week before. I answered she could bring the “forgotten” stuff to my brother at work but to keep safely the camera for now (since I have no clue if I want it, it would bring me sadness for now) until I come to the US in April/May but not to decide anything without me.
    I decided to stay silent after that for 2 weeks. Then I was in our family cabin in the Alps and decided to send a picture of the mountains with snow and the fire place since she’s always liked that. But no texts about how I feel, nothing sentimental, just one or two sentences with some humor. As an reaction, she cancelled my amazon account asking me to get rid of all the accounts on her name. I decided not to play that game and not answer… I just don’t know what to do, send a little message every 2 weeks about little things in life but nothing about us, or shut down the communication completely? This is just so hard not to understand whats going on in her head, since she’s always been telling me everything, calling & texting daily to me. I understand she needs to reconstruct herself and I told her that was fine with me but I know she thinks the solution is to jump into a new relationship, and that hurts me and won’t solve any issues. I tried to ask help from her dad but turned out it’s her mom who saw the email and answered to it saying I had been “a caring friend” (friend really??). I specifically told her not to tell my ex about me contacting them about my worries but I’m pretty sure she did. Her dad and even my ex admitted they thought the mom was bipolar (and she never got treated) so how can you expect her to help her daughter? I’m sad because I was the only one she would confess her darkest thoughts to and now she shut me down, saying that above all we were not from the same culture (adding she didn’t have any alcohol issues).
    Any advice on what to do would be a huge help because I’m frankly lost and out of options.

    • Nlites says:

      This all sounds so familiar I’m afraid. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you – very much in love, talking about moving in together, just had a weekend away, spent time with her family over Christmas, then overnight, she switched. She was low and detached for the next month – libido vanished (we’d had sex 2 nights before she switched – nothing wrong there) and then a month into her Depression, she announced she had no feelings/love for me and we were over. She even said that these feelings had started sometime earlier – so she faked the last month or so? YOU CAN’T FAKE LOVE!

      I now just have to sit tight and hope she gets better. All the sites out there say there’s nothing we, the partners, can do other than be patient or move on. It’s down to them to re-build, thrash our the worries troubled past (and my partner has one) and then not fear a future or factor in my as part of the equation.

      This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

      • estrella says:

        Thanks Nlites,
        I can tell we are in the same situation. It’s like it’s a layout depress people keep repeating… I’m just wondering if, despite her always answering in order to hurt me/push me away, I should still send her links about that website for her to read about how you feel about depression and reconize herself in that. But during the first week, I have sent her 2 emails telling I knew she was down and I was ok letting her find out a solution for herself but I would be there for her. As a result, she called me the next saturday, the day she freaked out about my stuff and the ticket plane, and said (and acted like) she was perfectly fine and had no alcohol issues. Btw, we talked several times about that and she reconized having that issue in the past. She even tried several time to stop for a short period of time.
        I never talked I think about depression in those 2 emails so I don’t know if she has all the keys in hand. I’m really hoping so because I’m not sure, in the way she acts, that I can tell her now “you’re depressed, open your eyes & let’s see the solutions”. What would someone who used to be the depressed one would suggest me to do? Do I have to keep the unemotional mails going now until she accepts to answer in a positive way, and only then have the “talk”?

        Thanks all for your support and thank you to the author for this very supportive website.

      • estrella says:

        Oh Nlites, I totally get what you’re saying about not being possible to fake love. I’ve had the same remark, that she had doubt few months ago in September. So I dig up my memory, that was after my four months of writting 7days a week my pHd dissertation. I was litteraly exhausted and have had less time for our calls on facetime (usually we used to be on facetime all day long saturday and sunday) but every day, despite my work, she would call me and I would always find the time.
        Then she came when I was done, end of September, we’ve had few nice days in Paris then went 10 days to my parents. I had planed that many days because we were planning on me going to the US definitevely to work in February so I knew that was one of the last time I could see my parents that long, especially since I had spent most of my time in the US for the 3 last years so they didn’t see me much. As a result, she said she felt abandonned (which of course was not true) and complained we were staying that long, she couldn’t pick the food… If that is not a selfish attitude what is?! We had a small argument about it, me reminding her how nice were my parents and especially my mom taking few hours to cook us food every day for us. After that, she’s made an effort and we have spent a nice time.
        Then we flew together to the US in the mid west, meet her parents again and travelled through all the north, visiting Yellowstone at the same time. Back only the 2 of us, it went amazingly well, she was “crazy about me” as I was about her ; we’ve had, despite her down moments, very good days and nights at home and she kept showing me how good it felt together. As soon as I left she told me the appartment was feeling like home when I was there, but like crap as soon as I left.
        So I perfectly know september was not an issue at all, we’ve had great times ; I think she was just trying to find an excuse. As she said in her mail after that talk, she couldn’t explain why the break up. It might be the same for you, they are trying to rationalize their unrational behavior.
        Hand in there and take well care of you, now is the time 🙂

  99. Carol says:

    Hello. For almost a month now I have been online searching to make sense of what has happened to my bipolar husband and my marriage. I suffer from multiple illnesses to include anxiety and depression. We have been marries for almost 12 years. I am 13 years older than my spouce so we entered into the relationship with many differences. I was a single parent or a then four year old. I owned 2 homes and because of medical reasons I did not work. My husband worked 2 partime jobs and was just in the process of putting his life on track post drug addiction and incarcaration. Together we loved and supported each other. I noticed that what I once thought was routine moodiness was becoming more pronouced. My husband left after any little disagreement. He would be done hours days or weeks. I always thought I was not a good partner. I felt like I was so used to being alone that I needed to learn to comprise or adjust my behaviors. I tried. I would always be the one to reach out first after any argument. Over several years I found out that my husband had been unfaithful during several of his disconnect from our marriage. I was devastated. I forgave my husband as best as I could. He would never agree to counseling. I became very bitter. Overtime the dynamics of our relationship changed. As I became insure my husba n d seemed to gain confidence. Financially I had many set backs each time our relation was interrupted. My husband became more financially independent and I became dependent. My husbands explosive episodes became less frequent but more verbally abusive. After my mom suffered a stroke we moved in with her so I could care for her. My husband was a big help. In arguests he would criticize my choice for caring for her. Later he would apologize and say he was just trying to hurt me. I started to resent all the turmoil over the years. I did not trust my husband. As developed more health problems I worried he might grow tired of my restrictions. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged. Caring for my mother and raising our ADD child was challenging but we kept holding on. Recently my husbsnd’s father became ill. He lost his mom a few years prior to cancer. I believe the stresses of being around illnesses poor sleep habits and mounting debt helped push my husband over the edge. I also think that dome passive aggressive behavior from some of his family member put me in a position to ask him to defend me. I watched my husband avoid stirring up tensions with his family while being agitated by me. My husband became secretive about getting money from his 401k and he stopped paying his bills. He said he was going to consolidate them. He made $100,000 last year. He could have easily paid his bills. The final straw was when his stepmother wanted him to pretend to be his dad to the bank for her. He was going to put money in our account from an account his dad’s bank froze. I asked him not to do it or take me off the account. He wouldn’t. After being gone and unreachable for 4 hour he came back but he looked scary in his eyes. I told him we both were emotional and we needed to to calm down. Since I didn’t open the door he left. He cut off all communicatIon with me. He also said he was filing bankruptcy. We have a few joint accounts and he isn’t paying any of our bills. In a week he took off his wedding ring. The next week he went gambling and the week after that he got an apartment. No communication. I took out $2600 from our joint account the he had $15,000 in. He says I stole from him. Please help. I want to save our narriage but feel like his his done.

  100. Felicia says:

    I’ll make this initial post brief and fill in details later but basically my husband and I have been married over four years now, together for nearly twelve. We have a three year old child together and have shared a mostly happy and very loving & affectionate relationship. When I think back to any issues that we have had, they all tie into what we now know is a behavioral addiction to online affairs and sexting that he began before we were even together. I hadn’t realized the severity of it or that is was something that has occurred consistently over the years until just recently, when he was found to have depression and anxiety due to the guilt and trying to overcome this addiction on his own. I felt like he almost snapped; Tuesday of that week was normal, very loving and affectionate. Wednesday he seemed a bit moody but it didn’t raise any flags. Same Thursday. But when he got home from work Friday, I couldn’t understand the anger at all. I told him he seemed very unstable as he was driving and he literally had to stop the car and collect himself for a minute. We got home and put our son to bed and he sat in the living room and I’d swear he was a stranger; I didn’t know who that was. His eyes looked crazed and he said although he was not suicidal ad couldn’t imagine hurting us like that, that he could vividly see himself putting a gun in his mouth and then all of the stress would be gone. This was obviously terrifying for me so I suggested that he needed to go to the er right away. He always leaned on me for support so I was heartbroken when he said he didn’t want me to go with him. I’ll fill in the gaps if I can get any response but at the moment, we are about a month and a half from that incident, he is about 4 weeks in on his Paxil & I feel that it might be starting to take some of the edge off of the anger and anxiety that he was having, and he is now seeing a therapist once a week, tomorrow and last Monday so far. But, he is also mostly convinced on most days that divorce would be an escape for him. He is very back and forth and contradicts a lot of what he says but it is hard to hear. His addiction has also progressed to the point where he is getting way too close to a female coworker (since the depression came on) and his “online persona” (arrogant!!) is making an appearance at work. He has been acting very much unlike himself and only those closest to him are really noticing that he is legitimately ill and needs help! Everyone else just thinks he is being a selfish asshole. Like I said, I’d be happy to further elaborate but I was hoping to find someone who is or has been in a similar situation. (like newly diagnosed depression and the spouse leaving) I would love to communicate with someone or with multiple people for support either via email or something else!

  101. Christina says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for the last 5 years. Within this time he has left me for real twice before now. We both are suffering from depression but he has extreme depression and anger issues which most probably started in his childhood as he had a horrible one. I had my share of fault but I have never left him. He had said that he is breaking up with me every time we had a major fight and then I went back to him every time to fix things. But nothing was ever fixed. We both tried. But we both kind of held on to the horrible things we said and did to each other.

    But I have tried really hard to let go of the bad memories and make things work for the last one year. But he never even acknowledged it or let alone appreciate it. He believes that we were together because of his efforts; I made no sacrifices. But everyone who knows me has told me that how I have become more patient and mature within a year. But it was not enough for him. I have anger issues too. We have been fighting since Christmas 2015 over an issue of the past.

    After Christmas, he got a really good job. It meant a lot to him. And it meant a lot to me too. But I never got a chance to properly express that. He started to get more stressed out after the news of the job for some reason. He fought with me and said that he can’t tolerate me anymore. Later he told me to give him space as he was on a tipping point and might have a mental breakdown. To do so, I decided to go on an office trip out of town so that I am forced to give him space. The day I returned from the trip he called me at night and we began to fight. It was also the before his first day at work. I ordered him to treat me properly but he refused to do so and was rude. To hurt him back I said, “I wish you get fired tomorrow” and hung up. He called me again and said he will only talk to me on weekends from now on (it is usual of him to give me threats to control me).I said go f*#$ yourself and hung up. He called me again and said he is breaking up with me. And that was that. I tried everything I could a day later to change his mind, which usually works. But this time he is determined to leave me.

    I wished him good luck one day before the trip but it was not enough. I briefly told him before going to the trip that how happy I am that he got the job but it was not enough. The only thing he now remembers is the bad things I said. He said he doesn’t want to do anything for me anymore, which he has been saying for months already.

    He just got a great job. Now he can have a new start leaving me behind. A life where he will have hundreds of friends, will have loads of fun, and won’t have to come back to a whining, bitchy girlfriend. In his own words, a horrible girlfriend.

    I know I have a lot of problems. But the fact that me giving so effort meant nothing to him pushed me towards my tipping point as well. I don’t know what to do anymore. He is my first boyfriend and I have always wanted to spent the rest of my life with him despite our horrible relationship. I don’t know what I’ll do if he actually leaves me this time.

  102. JB says:

    I have been wanting to talk to some for the last few months to help cope with my boyfriend’s depression and just today he has ended things which makes it more difficult.

    It started in October when he basically broke down due to something seemingly small but I believe this was building up since his dad passed away in July and he carried guilt and did not deal with it. He pushed me away but I continued to be positive and supportive.

    Things improved and he said he was feeling like himself again. He celebrated my 30th birthday with me and then broke down even worse straight after. He stopped talking to me often and was very withdrawn. He only said he wanted to be alone and he was struggling and it wasn’t my fault.

    I became really upset at this point as I deal with anxiety anyway. I tried to remain supportive but it was difficult. I became very insecure and down. I decided to go overseas to spend Christmas with my family. Just today, on Christmas Eve, he sent me an email saying this wasn’t good for either of us and he felt guilty for stripping me of my trust and confidence and couldn’t get better with that on his conscience.

    I understand where he is coming from but I feel lost. I want to be there for him but I feel I’m not as strong as I should be. I want him to get better and I want us to be together eventually. I don’t know what to do.

    • elizabeth says:

      good morning
      I am in the same situation , he broke up with me 10 days ago and I suffer from depression myself , I blow up in rage that day what it didn’t help at all , now I am trying to make amends and still telling him how much I love him and that I am here for him , I also told him I am not going to leave him alone on this , but he hasn’t reply at all , I still here . meditation and prayers help me when I am getting down

      • Jb says:

        It is awful. I am going to see him when I get back from visiting family but I can’t stop thinking about it.

        The worst part is accepting that this is out of my control and I wish there was something I can do. I know we both need to work on ourselves, probably independent of one another. But I am not ready to give up on a relationship. I hope I’m not being naive.

        • elizabeth says:

          Yes , it is , but I have been reading a lot on this matter. can I ask you something? is his anger go to rage or he still nice with you?
          I just need to find a way to show him I am here and everything will be ok, That he isn’t alone and

          • JB says:


            I have been reading a lot as well and I think that is a testament to how much we care and how we are trying to understand what is going on.

            He has always been nice to me. He said he still loves me but can’t be a boyfriend to me and it’s killing him watching how my confidence and trust is being stripped away. We have exchanged a few pleasant messages. I am just trying to take it day by day.

  103. Very Confused and hurt says:

    I was with a girl for only 2 months. I’m 36 and she is 25. From the moment we met I felt an instant connection with her and from the things she said and acted with me I felt like she was feeling exactly the same. Within the first or second date she told me that she does suffer from some kind of depression and is on medication for it. She told me that she wanted me to know so incase she gets into one of her moods where she just wants to be left alone that I would understand. I told her I completely get being as there has been points in my life that I have felt depressed too. I know we both jumped into a relationship very fast. But for me I kept telling myself that I have dated many girls and this is the first girl that I’ve been with that everything just feels very right. My feelings for her just felt very natural. Nothing felt forced. Everything I did for her I did because I wanted to. It wasn’t to try to impress her or make her any more happy. I did it just because I just enjoyed spending time with her. When we first met she told me that she wanted to go back to school and get her Masters. She is interested in a field that isn’t offered at many schools so she would be looking at schools in the city or out of state. I told her that I would never make her chose between me and school and if she decides on a school out of state that I would be supportive and do everything I could to make sure our relationship would last. There was an open house to one of the schools in the city and she asked me if I would go with her to check it out. I said no problem. So I changed my work schedule around and made it happen. I figured since we were in the city that I would make a nice day of it. So after we checked out the school I took her to lunch at the seaport then surprised her with tickets to the top of the Freedom Tower. I thought we had a great day. When we got back I was just in a blah mood. I was just tired and was thinking about work the next day. At first she wanted to come back to my house but by the time we got back home we both agreed that it was late so I dropped her off at home. She gave me a big kiss and thanked me for the day. The next day I was just tired. Nothing was wrong just tired. That night she sent me a text saying “babe I feel like you are mad at me”. I said you did nothing wrong so I’m not mad at you at all. The next day she said she wanted sushi and to cuddle with me. So I changed my plans to go to a wake that night and came home as soon as I could so I could spend time with her. We ate dinner and she cuddled up with me but I felt like something was a little off. But I wasn’t feeling to well so I just thought it was in my head. We went to bed and she asked me what do I enjoy doing but you can’t say anything with me. I said I really enjoy playing golf. I felt like she might have been looking for me to have a more intellectual answer like reading or going to museums. But we fell asleep and she woke up before me to go to work. She just gave me a quick peck and started to walk away. I said “that’s it” because she would usually say “love you”. Then a few hours later when I was at work she sent me a text saying “sorry I’ve been so distant”. Now I really only felt the distance the night before. Never until then. But I replied “I thought something was up”. She said she feels out futures are too different. I said why do you want to end something that we know is good now for a future that isn’t garunteed. Then she said she can’t give me as much as I give her. I said the way you make me feel is all I need. Then she said that she is not good with relationships. She said that I deserve someone better. I said isn’t it up to me to say who I deserve to be with. Then she said I don’t know I’m going to go to your house and get the fuck out of your life. I said babe. Please slow down. I care about you and don’t want to lose you. Please take a few days to yourself and make sure what you are feeling before you do this. An hour and a half later she calls me to tell me she went to my house and picked up her belongings. I got very upset because all of this went down while I was working. I thought we everything she would have been able to at least talk to me in person. I never in my life was hurt so bad. It was a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The next day I sent her a text asking how her day was. “Oh wait I forgot we don’t do the anymore.” She replied saying she “thought that if she acted like she was in love the feelings would follow but the never did. I only cared for you as a human being but never romantic.” It was like she just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I replied with some hurtful things. I used things she told me about her past to try to hurt her. I didn’t say a word to her for a few days then on Thanksgiving she sent me a text saying she was thankful for me patience, kindness and forgiveness. The next day I apologized for being immature and saying things I didn’t mean. She didn’t reply at all and I felt like she was just trying to throw salt into a wound. I ended up saying more hurtful things to her because I know I was so upset that I thought it would make me feel better. But obviously I was wrong. The next day she pretty much told me to cauterize the wound and walk away. Once the pain stopped and I was able to slow my thoughts down I then thought about how she told me about her depression. Then after everything I have been reading on these websites I feel like it described everything that I just went through. I sent her a text a week ago saying I’m very sorry for saying things to hurt you only because I was hiring. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I do feel like I understand now and I’m sorry. She hasn’t replied. I know I have to move on. But I can’t get her out of my head. It’s like I’m having a constant conversation with her in my head. Why I’m a hurting so much over someone I only knew for 2 months. The hardest part is not knowing if all of this happened because of her depression and everything else going on in her life. Or did she really not feel for me the way she seemed to. I don’t know if I should text her Merry Chistmas in a couple weeks. If I should drop off some of her shirts that she forgot here. I don’t know what to do because I really fell for her and I don’t want to give up. Isn’t the good things in life worth fighting for. Or was I just blinded by this person.

    • Confused Fool says:

      I can relate to what you are going through! My boyfriend of 2 years was acting a little withdrawn and spending a lot of time with his friends. I chalked it up to being football season. While with his friends he was ignoring me & I found out he was getting completely wasted drunk. Needless to say my feelings were hurt. I took it very personal that he would rather get wasted with his jsckass friends instead of spending time with me. I tried to talk to him, but was met with silence. He would usually leave & tell me I needed to calm down (cause I was crying). He ended up breaking up with me via text saying “I’m depressed, the fighting is making it worse, I know you’ll find someone better”. I had zero say in the situation. Three days later, I was in a severe car accident where I was admitted to the trauma unit. I reached out to him & received silence. After spending 5 days in the hospital, albeit alone during thanksgiving, and having surgery, he stopped by my place briefly to take me to get medication. The following day I noticed photos on Facebook of him getting drunk with his friends, acting like a total drunken fool, including pictures & a new friend request with some girl I’ve never seen before. I was floored. Completely hurt. I brought it up to him & received silence. When he did finally respond his response was “I don’t know why I did it. I have no explanation. I am depressed, but trying to put on a smile”. He’s pretty much iced me out completely now.

      I’m struggling with wondering if he’s really depressed & trying to mask things or if he’s just a jerk, trying to revert to his college years (he’s nearly 38!).

      Just thought I’d share. It’s a very rough time for me. Spending 2 years with someone who has changed so much, into someone I don’t even know!

  104. Alone and confused says:

    My boyfriend of four years left me for his sisters best friend. He knew her longer than he knew me, but he always looked to her as being a sister, nothing more. Our relationship was toxic, but I never wanted anyone else when I was with him. He was the only guy I ever saw myself being with. He went from one day begging me not to leave him to the next being completely hostile towards me. He ended up telling this girl that he had been in love with her for 8 years, but then cheated on her with me almost a year after they got together. We treated each other really well, but at the same time, we didn’t. We were always with each other. Hung out every single day. I always wanted to hang out with him and be with him, and I would always get really upset if I couldn’t be. He always had privacy issues. Never let me touch his phone, never really liked to open up to me about anything, and he was always working. He’s got an amazing work ethic. From looking at him, you never would have thought anything was wrong. He was always joking around with his friends, but he was sarcastic and always had to be in control. This guy was my first love, the guy I was going to marry. He would even tell his mom not to let me take a medicine that I was deathly allergic to because he knew it would kill me and he didn’t want anything to happen to me. I think he really loved me, but by me wanting to leave him, I think it switched on some sort of defense mechanism in him. When we broke up, I left him alone for a while because I knew I couldn’t beg for him back. He jumped into a relationship with this girl not even two weeks after we split up. I messaged him first after about 4 months letting him know that I still cared and still loved him. We made small talk, but he was real short with me. Once again, I left him alone. Next thing I know, he starts getting ahold of me off of fake numbers, pretending to be someone else and trying to get me to send nudes or come meet up with him to have sex. I finally ratted him out after he cheated on her with me and he hasn’t tried to contact me since. The last time I talked to him, I found out it was him and he told me that he loved me and always had and wanted to come back to me, but said it wouldn’t be as soon as I wanted him to. You see, after he left me, he moved away. He told me that he didn’t want to live with me and then him and his new girlfriend moved in together not even 6 months into them dating. And somehow she always has his cellphone, even when I could never touch it. This girl is a lot more crazy than I ever was with him. They have a lot of similar interests, but me and this girl are two completely different people. And I think he really hates the invasion of privacy he gets from being with her. He never had that with me. I always respected his privacy, even though I had to question it a lot considering there were a lot of rumors going around that he cheated on me a lot. I don’t know what to do about my situation. By me ratting him out, he cried to his new girlfriend and told her that it never happened and they managed to turn his whole family against me because of it and even some of my own friends don’t believe me that he’s been doing this to me for quite some time since we’ve broken up. But I feel like there’s some kind of monster deep inside of him. I loved this boy to death, and I’m still not over him and it’s been two years since we’ve been apart. I’ve tried to be nice to him, but how can I when he wont even talk to me as himself when he DOES talk to me and then goes and cries to his girlfriend when he he’s caught for it? We were together for four years and were engaged for one. We were going to get married. I didn’t want to let this one go, but he’s making it impossible for us to try to even save what we had. If it were up to me, we would be back together in a heartbeat, but he’s the one who has all of the control. I just don’t understand where we went wrong, why he’s doing this to me, and what I can do to get through to him. After reading this article, I wonder, was he depressed? The way he left me is the way you describe it in this post. What I really want to know is if he’s really over me and is just using me for his own personal use or if he really meant that he wants me back, but won’t let go of his pride for us to even try to get back together. What do I do?

  105. Out of the blue says:

    Reading these comments has been cathartic, and I can’t thank you enough. My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, saying that his depression had gotten worse and that he needed to distance himself from any potential cause of stress – including me. He was upfront from the beginning about his ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety, and recently there had been outside stressors (work, career, etc.) that may have triggered his current depressive state. I won’t go into his past, but suffice it to say it was an emotional minefield. I hope I provided some joy and comfort in the time that we spent together; things were going well (or so I thought) and he seemed happy with me. We had gone out on a date several days prior, and he seemed to enjoy himself and was quite affectionate. I just don’t know right now. My friends have been wonderful and have been helping me stay occupied since this happened, and thank goodness for schoolwork. He said that one day he hoped we would be friends, which just hurts because I do care about him and want to be with him. I left him one last text wishing him the best and that I was a phone call away if he wanted to talk. I don’t know if it’s the last communication we’ll ever have. I hope not. I will probably seek out therapy for myself in the meantime.

    • Giovanna says:

      I am in the exactly same situation you are now. He asked me a break, but for me is him breaking up with me. So I totally understand this feeling. I am going to therapy this week, have been struggling for 5 days, even if I am trying to stay occupied and thank god I have incredible friends, I really love them

  106. R says:

    I am really confused about my recent breakup. I can see now that my boyfriend was really not doing well, but as I have been manipulated before by and NPD and my when my most recent ex kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, I had no choice but to imagine that the issues were all my trust issues and that if I loved him, I would suck it up and be the best girlfriend ever. He was having a really hard time at work and has just moved to a new city. He was upset for a time because he couldn’t make up his mind about whether or not he was ready for me to move there, which I wanted to do initially. The stress of the relationship, plus the new job, plus the new city proved to be too much for him and he lost a lot of weight and was crying all the time. He was also really tired and said he was going to therapy to try and figure things out and his therapist told him he needed to think about himself for a while. I even went with him once and (I have contacted her to make sure she takes care of him and ask her what I can do). I echoed the same thought, but didn’t think I would be the variable he would eliminate. We had plans, we were in love, I felt it. My divorce was to become final in January and it seems as if as soon as that happened, it all went downhill. When he came to see me the last time, he was a mess. He told me he was depressed and didn’t know if he could be what I needed right now. I couldn’t listen, I just kept saying, “I want to be there for you. For us.” Eventually after I had been crying and emotional about the fact that I missed him and no longer wanted to be without my boyfriend and wanted to move forward with him, he called me to say he needed a break and wasn’t sure about the terms. He said all he could say was “I don’t know” and being that I didn’t understand his depression, I thought for sure he wanted to just be with other women, which he denied. I told him it was a breakup and twice since have tried to change his mind, the first time asking if he would come to therapy with me and the second if he would flat out change his mind. He won’t budge. He says he’s sending me my things and doesn’t know if he can see me when I’m there for a conference later in the month. I am so confused. I don’t know if I can take it as a normal breakup. I emailed him and texted him today, most likely just to clear my conscious, to say that I am here for him and I know this isn’t about me and don’t blame him. I told him I know he has to do this by himself but to know I am going to be here to give him the help for the depression that it took me so long to see no matter what. I don’t expect to hear back right now. I don’t believe this changes overnight…or maybe ever. I know that there’s nothing I can do to make him happy again and it’s not about me, but if someone can please reiterate that to me or has some sort of positive anecdote about a transformation and their involvement in it or how they moved on, I would be very grateful!

    • Stacy says:

      Hey R,hope you are doing well, i know this was 3 yrs ago but could you ever tell me what happened with you guys.. did you resolve it I’m like in the exact position you were i havent contacted him since he broke up with me tho which was 2 weeks ago. Do you have any tips.

      Lots of Love Stacy

  107. Lesley says:

    Well another bites the dust….another relationship statistic – clinical illness and relationship failure. I moved out of my bf house a month ago and not sure how I am feeling/doing. He refused treatment for depression/ bioplar other than to smoke weed, which DID NOT help at all. He was convinced I was the issue and had to go, we still chat the odd time and apparently still miserable/anxious/ paranoid/depressed etc. But I am still the issue and so disrespectful to the point I have just recently blocked him from all social media and trying to just stop texting him period – Day 4.
    Everyone says and I read that you should not judge the person for their actions, they are clinically ill but I don’t know?? The destruction that he has caused and still trying too, it’s unsettling and I’m just SOOO mad that I was in this situation and wasted so much energy and my time thinking/hoping he would get better. How did I love someone like this, a Jekyll and Hyde true to the bones? Is there something wrong with me?

    • Ella says:

      Hi Lesley, What you wrote resonates with me. I, too, was in a relationship with a guy for five years who now suffers from clinical depression and seeks solace in weed. I was also described as the root of the problems in his life, and I was dumped six weeks ago because I caused him too much ‘stress and tension’. Apparently I constantly hurt him and let him down, which hurt a lot because I tried repeatedly to help him through his depression.

      There’s nothing wrong with you, Lesley. You stuck by someone who was ill and that’s not a bad thing to do. There comes a time, though, when we have to recognise that there’s nothing more we can do for clinically depressed partners/ex-partners.

  108. Anonymous says:

    Hi everyone.
    My boyfriend of 2 years who I love dearly has recently asked me for space and to take a break from the relationship. We have never had an arguement. Everything was going perfectly fine. He quit his job about a year ago and wanted to start his own business. By doing this he has got himself into a lot of debt. He has said he didnt know what was going through his mind at the time when he left a perfectly well paid job. He recently told me that because of his debt and his business idea not going as well as he had hoped he thinks he is going through a nervous breakdown and was depressed.
    He has not been able to spend much time with me recently and also with his daughter. He now wishes he never left his job. Two close people to him also died not long before we got together and I think he has never truly grieved. The other day when he asked for a break he broke down. He never cries. I offered my support to him and told him it was best to let it all out. I have not seen him properly now for 4 days. I have sent a couple of texts to let him know I am there for him if he needs me and that he is the best boyfriend and a great dad. I havent had any response as of yet. It is killing me inside to see him this way and our once strong connection falling apart right in front of me. What can I do when he says he wants a break.
    I of course agreed to honour his request and it was quite emotional. Should I leave him be at the moment because I do not want to push him away. Any comments/thoughts are welcomed. Thank you

    • Anonymous says:

      I also told him that I think he should seek professional help and support, but whether he has taken these steps I am not sure. I think I am truly the only person that knows what he is going through.

      • terri says:

        Anonymous….dealing with boyfriend completely isolating himself. Its been 2 months….I suggested to him he needs to seek help early on. He is in denial, although he admits to battling depression 20 years ago. I believe its been chronic depression for past 20 years, and now has progressed to major depression. He sometimes returns texts, never picks up phone. Would allow me in when I stopped over unannounced. Won’t be doing that again. 🙂

        Did your boyfriend get help? Did he return to you?

  109. Tom says:

    Default Suspected ex with depression (think I am now too)
    Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me two months ago and has shown little remorse despite kicking me out of the house and causing me not only emotional pain but significant monetary cost. Usually she is the nicest person in the world, but went to bed one day happy and woke up miserable the next. Before I moved in she had always lived alone, but she really pushed for me to move in. So after a year of dating I did. She would have some periods that she was irrationally angry towards me, might last a week or two. She even realised this and got a book to read to help. After a few months we had to move to a new house, she warned me she would be impatient and get angry so I put her behaviour before, during and after the move down to this. Our sex life stopped. Couple of months after I moved in. Before that she was definitely more in love with me than I was with her, loads of people including my parents thought that she had made up her mind on marriage, but wasn’t sure about me. A few weeks before she broke it off she said to me (drunkenly on a night out with friends) she loved me and missed me but found it hard to live with someone, but if she was going to do it with anyone it would be me and repeated the tone in the morning.

    She has many reasons in her life to be depressed;

    Stress from long hours in her job
    Sister pregnant and die soon (her other sister had a baby die in labour last year)
    Mum died when she was a child
    The move
    Not having her own space when I was there
    Turned 30 since we broke up
    When her dad remarried her step mum hates her and she had to live with her gran
    Previous boyfriend cheated on her and sent her pictures of it on Valentine’s Day (not sure if relevant, but possibly attachment issue?)

    Despite me being he love of her life at one point I really feel like she hates me now. She hasn’t said as such but I get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me. She has stayed in touch with other exes.

    She couldn’t give a good reason when breaking up with me, just she felt claustrophobic, but couldn’t settle on a reason. she has been a bit hit and cold in the very few times we have been in contact and has just joined tinder (she popped up on mine) 2 months to the day since we broke up.

    Any advice on what I should do? I don’t think I can win her back, as much as I’d like to, I am still madly in love with her. I worry about her, I don’t think anyone else knows, when her sister came to visit a week before she broke up with me she put on a happy face and she usually tells her sister everything.

    Also the week before we went to dinner with my parents and went out of her way to text my mum to say they should visit more often. She talked about the future till the end.

    I took this all very hard and have been working on fixing myself first, hence waiting two months to ask this.

    • Peaches says:

      Hi Tom, Read your post. I am in a very similar situation. It’s been few months since you posted this. How are you doing now? My ex (broke up in May 2015) said very similar things and has been very cold to me on the occasional few times we had to communicate. I believe that they just don’t have the emotional reservoir to deal with the situation at the moment. They have to deal with their own issues first. My ex had initially said that they can’t focus on things and felt like their emotions were locked up in a dark hole. One month later I saw him, and he lost alot of weight, took up smoking, and there was something really empty in his eyes. He said being with him would be like being with an empty shell. Just didn’t feel normal. My gut told me so. Especially since everything was going well. He couldn’t even remember that two days before we had an amazing time. I guess depression is a bit unpredictable. Until she gets the help she needs, you really just need to focus on yourself and deal with each day as it comes. It’ll get easier 🙂

  110. Claire says:

    Hi all,
    I have been reading your posts and can relate to them all. My partner of several months has been suffering from depression on and off in the time I have known him. I too suffered from it but made a recovery and came off anti depressants due to my strength and passion for seeking ofher sources for help.
    My partners mood had gone downhill over the last two months due to him hating his job, bad injury which stopped a big hobby of his and money trouble. I have always done things for him including decorating his house which was in such a state and buying him things to help boost his mood and encourage hobbies.
    He withdrew himself a few weeks ago after a constant barrage of negative comments and snapping at me and told me he was struggling and that he had fallen out of love with me.

    I in that time had made the mistake of trying to find some cash to pay some bills by going onto adult chat sites pretending to be other people sending fantasy messages. After ten messages my morals kicked in and I stopped but told him straight what I had done. I thought he would accept that I had just made a daft mistake and respect my honesty.

    He told me he didn’t trust me and would just basically be with me in the future to get me through some bad news about a family member of mine. I respect myself enough to not want to be with someone who doesn’t love me or want to be with me In a form of duty or pity . Because he told me he didn’t trust me I felt very sore and angry as he was my world and I worshipped the ground he walked on. I slept , breathed and thought of him 24/7 and put him first before myself. So to say that was an insult.

    He came round mine crying and we really got upset and said it was messed up. I knew deep down we needed space and he needs help. He’s very depressed and everything around him says that. He hates everything in his life and I had tried so hard to encourage him to improve his career or look to hobbies to cheer himself up.
    We have now split but I am so worried about him as he’s on his own and he went round to my parents last night to drop off a car he borrowed. In that time my parents said they have never seen anyone that upset and distressed. I am so worried about him but he’s asked me to give him some space and time. I would like to be at least friends with him but I am still madly in love with him for me to be around him at the moment . I don’t know what to do and his has been the worst few days of my life. I am booked to see a counsellor and have done things for myself including booking driving lessons and some voluntary work. I know how to help my depression and how to stop it latching by doing things to help myself feel good about myself. He just cannot do that and I m worried . So heartbroken

  111. Jackie says:

    This is true. I have been through an episode with my husband of 22 years I think he is depressed his behaviour has totally changed overnight, at first he was just stressed and it had nothing to do with me then it was all to do with me he has questioned our marriage saying perhaps it has come to the end of the line. Whenever I ask him to go back to the docs as he says he’s not happy and doesn’t know why he then says it’s a marriage problem and he can’t get a connection back with me. Although he cuddles me in bed and has sex with me. He told me that his health was suffering as a result of our marriage problem and that we needed to part 4 weeks ago. So I left he hasn’t contacted me at all in that time I contacted him once and he said he does love me.but he is cold and emotionless . He is like Jekyll and Hyde and he hides it very well to other people he says he is adamant he is not depressed. Last night as I have been sleeping on a sofa bed I walked into the house into the bedroom and asked if it was ok for me to sleep I. Bed with him no pressure I jugs needed a good night sleep.he looked confused but he said no problem then when I got In turned away from him to go to sleep he cuddled me and one thing lead to another. I know he still wants and lives me and I have said when he is ready we will talk but me can’t carry on living with him until he admits he has a problem. It’s heartbreaking what has happened to him but he took me to a very dark place and I can’t help him anymore.

  112. Angie says:

    My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has been slowly sinking into depression for about a year and a half. I was hopeful that once he got a better job that he liked he would feel better but he didn’t. Things finally came to a head and he got on Effexor, he’d only been on it for 10 days before he decided it would be best for me if he moved out (last Saturday). I did not agree. I want him to be home so that we can work on it together.
    This week has been awful. So emotional. I went to his doctors appt Tuesday for his 2 week follow up for the medication and the doctor said for him to stay on the medication and referred him to a counselor (he can’t get in with her until next week though). Time seems so slow for me. I try to reach out to him everyday but I don’t know what to do. We agreed to be “separated” instead of totally throwing in the towel. I don’t know if he’s doing that so that he dosen’t hurt me more or what though? I’m not sure how often I should make first contact? He spent the night Thursday which was great but also confusing. Yesterday he didn’t say “I love you” back after I said it which filled me with dread.
    I’m freaking out. I just want him to feel better and come home. :’ (

    • Polis says:

      My wife did something similar. She is on venlafaxine (generic effexor) and has been since last fall. Now she is telling me she is unsure if she has ever been in love with me, lost romantic connection and but yet is attracted to others.

      I was the love of her life, she would tell everyone how amazing I was, how I made her happy and how in love she was with me. In the past 6 months she seemed to slip into a rut, maybe depression since slept a lot, lost her appetite, couldn’t finish tasks, etc…

      She went from callous, to apologetic and wanting to go to counseling to at least see what happens back to callous in one week. As of now she wants to throw in the towel and let us go our separate ways.

  113. Florence says:

    This is also happening to me my partner left me and my son 2 mths ago.
    I may loose my house and I’m falling apart.
    I don’t know what the answer is.
    It’s horendous.
    The examples of how the depressed partner takes it out on the other makes sense to me know, but I think it’s too late for us.

  114. Judy says:

    I am going through the above at the moment , my husnabd has left me , says hes closing down the business as he hates it , but he lived for that business and enjoyed it every day . I am at a lost as nothing had changed in the household , no rows , had a loving realationship . Cam home form work and he had gone left a note stating he hated hi business and did not know how he felt about the marriage. He is now back with his mum ( he is in his mid 40 ) and stays in his bedroom . He has lost weight and being negative . I say i am here for you and will support you and i love him with all my heart . His text sometimes are caring but sometimes hostile , but all of them are about him and how he feels . I send him the loving text he sent me 2 days before he left with no reply . He has lsot over a stoen in weight but then again so have I . I am not coping well with all this as i don’t understand his actions . please can someone help in a state of desperation
    Thanks in advance

    • Babysteps says:

      Hi Judy,
      Sorry you are feeling so bad. I went through a similar thing seven months ago so I have an idea of how traumatic the experience is. I am still somewhat reeling from the shock.
      My best advice would be to look for support for yourself wherever you can find it, and to empower yourself by finding out as much about depression as possible. The other thing, and the most difficult, is to accept that you have no control over the current situation and that depressed partners need A LOT of time and space.
      This website is very helpful for informing yourself, as is the Depression Fallout Forum message board and a website called my partner is depressed .com (without the spaces). It is sad to hear all of the stories of others, but it is reassuring to see that what you are going through is not at all uncommon when it comes to depression, and that it is in no way your fault.
      Sending you a big hug x

  115. Jane23 says:

    My now-ex has been suffering from depression for a long time. Last year he sought professional help because he felt lost in life and the professional path he had been on was not fulfilling for him. We have struggled in the past because of his depression and his inconsistency in providing me with the emotional connectedness I needed to be completely happy. A few months ago he decided to move to another city for a work opportunity that to him was a pursuit he had always dreamed of. All I could do was be supportive and understanding. We went on for several months trying to make the distance work, and despite his assurances that we would be okay, things deteriorated rapidly. I grew upset and depressed myself because he was either unable or unwilling to show me that I was a priority in his life. It seemed like I always had to remind him how I needed to be treated in order to be happy. At times, things would be wonderful and it felt like he turned a corner and would be able to give me the love and emotional connection he had been capable of in the past. A little over a month ago though, he out of nowhere decided to ‘step away’ in order to find himself. He explained that he wasn’t leaving because he no longer loved me; he said that breaking up with me right now was the hard thing to do. The only reason I got from him is that he still feels lost and does not feel as though he can make me a priority right now and really give me what I deserve. He recognized how much it was hurting me that I wasn’t a priority thus decided to leave. He explained to me that he may not be stepping away forever, and wanted me to know that when he found himself he may want to try and make things work. I’m having immense difficulty dealing with his sudden departure and reconciling the confusion as to whether or not he’ll find himself and come back to me. Since we broke up we have spoken several times and each time we do he again explains to me that he doesn’t know why he is feeling so lost and that when he has had moments of clarity he envisions us together and happy. He says that he wants to talk more when he is able to communicate his feelings better and as he progresses in his recovery. I guess my confusion is due to whether or not I should be holding on to him and the hope that he will soon gain some clarity and be willing to try and make things work. I understand that I cannot hold on forever, but I also feel that if I sever all ties with him that I will certainly be shutting the door on any hope for a future together. I don’t know whether I should be sticking around to help him ‘weather the storm’ in the hopes that by doing so we could be stronger as a couple, or leave him completely alone to cope with his depression by himself. I’ve sought professional help myself, and everyone is telling me to forget him and move on, but I don’t want to leave him completely alone when he is suffering from deep depression. What can I possibly do to help him? Is he really stepping away because of the depression? Should I still be holding on to hope that he will return?

    • Angie says:

      I am going threw the exact same emotional conflicts. I don’t have any answers for you either, I just wanted you to know that your not alone.

    • Sunshinegoddess says:

      This mirrors my situation with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. What ended up happening with your story, Jane? I need help.

    • Vanessa says:

      Very similar story. My fiancee of five years also broke up with me because of his depression. He still tells me he cares about me, but that he can’t be with me if he wants to focus entirely on getting better. He also blames part of the depression on our relationship, despite me trying to do eevrything I can to support him, which he does not accept. It’s heartbreaking.

    • Yvonne says:

      Same story for me. My fiance and companion of 6 years walked out on me 3 weeks ago and move out completely 1 week ago. He didn’t say anything, I just came home one night to find out most of his things were gone. I spoke to him last week and he told me that another woman was not the decision he moved out, that it was God calling him to do it because I wasn’t happy. He also told me that he had dinner the night before we talked with an ex girlfriend he hadn’t seen in years but kept as a friend on FB and occasionally talked about their friends and stuff. He said he was telling me that because he felt the need to confess it but to rest assured that nothing happened and that he walked away from the dinner and asked her to lose his # because seeing her made him realize how much pain she had caused him and he felt that same pain for me for walking away. He’s always suffered from depression and PTSD, army vet. Idk if his decision to all of sudden leave might of been caused by a sudden case of severe depression and doesn’t realize it. I sent him a text saying a loved him and cared for him but no reply.

      What was the outcome of your situation? Did you keep in touch?

  116. April says:

    Hi I am new at this but I am hoping someone can relate and give me some suggestions how to handle this. Sorry it is long
    My now ex and I were together for 3 years when roughly 6 months ago he started to experience a lot of stress with work, legal, financial, and death in his imitate family. For the first 2 months he would openly talk to me about everything that was happening when basically overnight things changed and he started to drink more and started to pull away from me, the more he pulled away the more I tried to hold on until eventually he ended the relationship which was 3 months ago.
    Since ending the relationship it is becoming clearer that he has become depressed where he can’t sleep, feels tired all the time, has lost a lot of weight and is basically struggling everyday to keep on fighting.
    Over the last 6 weeks he has been like a yoyo where he will start to pull me in close and open up to me about how he is feeling etc then he goes back to distancing himself again for a week or so.
    He has admitted he is depressed however refuses to get professional help as he believes he should be able to handle this etc.
    I love my ex and would do anything to have him back but I do get confused why he will pull me in close open up to me about how he has been feeling etc which usually last for 2-3 days then he starts to distance himself again being short towards me or just ignoring my attempts to contact him, during this time however he is able to still talk to his mates whom he has managed to hide his depression from so far. When he pulls away he always says he needs some headspace or time to himself, I can respect that but why is it that he will still be in contact with his mates during this time?
    Is it common for someone who is depressed to do the push and pull action with you if they have ended the relationship?
    Oh the reason he said he ended our relationship was because he felt pressured and just couldn’t commit to anything that encludes work etc, so the relationship was the one who had to go.
    I also fear that he has made comments he doesn’t have the engery to keep on fighting which so far I have managed to find something to give him that energy but I do get scared especially as he is trying to hide it from everyone and I am trying to work out how to support him and let his family and friends know without breaking his trust especially considering at times he has made those comments though at this point I don’t believe he would do anything as he does still talk about future plans even if it is brief.
    Anyone who can help me or give me some ideas would be greatly appreciated

    • Prudence says:

      Hi April,
      So sorry to read your story as it sounds similar to mine so I can feel your pain. My partner of 3 years lost his daughter Paris aged 13 to suicide 5 months ago. As you can imagine it came as a huge shock to all of us. I also have a daughter aged 14 who lives with my partner and I so I have been extremely worried about both of them.
      A couple of months ago, he has told me he needs space to deal with things so he moved in with his brother. I assumed this would be a temporary thing as he said he would see someone to help with his grief. We had just moved for him to start a great new job also so he said he needed to concentrate on just that. He has now moved out completely but won’t see me face to face as he says its too hard for him.
      He has shut himself off from everything but work and still has not seen any one for help. I worry constantly about him and about or relationship. Its very hard to know when to let go.

      Anyway the only advice I can give you (while also trying to make myself follow this) is to look after yourself. We need to take time out to spend of ourselves – have some sort of outlet. It might be exercise, a group activity or hobbie but something that you stick with. I have also been seeing a counsellor which seems to be helping as I can be open and honest about my feelings.

      I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope that he will come back to our family. But until then I guess we need to just be there to listen and realise that we might not be able to ‘fix’ them but we can still be there if needed.

      I wish you all the best xx

    • Stef says:

      He’s going back and forth with you because you are the one he is opening up to. It’s easier for him to spend time with his friends because he puts on his mask and pretends the depression doesn’t exist so it doesn’t penetrate if that makes sense. This behaviour is very typical for a depressed person. I hope things have got a little better by now.

  117. Pae says:

    My story is a little long winded.
    I have been with my partner for almost 10 years. We were (not legally) married 6 years ago. In April 2014 she was diagnosed with major depression and PTSD, after I discovered that she was planning to suicide.
    She has since April been on antidepressants and in therapy.
    The past few months have been a miraid of ups and downs, wants me around, doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, etc.
    On Dec 10th, she told me that she fell out of love with me and rather than continuing the way we were, she felt that the best thing was to completely break up.

    You see, a few months back, we came to the mutual decision that we should have some physical space between us (to live apart for a few months) so that she could sort out all the things she needs to. I agreed and thought that it was a good idea. So I attempted to stay at friends’ house 3 times. However, each time something happened at home or with the friends that I was staying with causing me to have to cancel to stay there. So I returned home. I told her that I did try and that she knew that I was trying.
    So about a month later she said that the more she thought about it, the best was to completely break up as she didn’t feel that it was fair to leave me hanging when her recovery could take longer than a few months.

    While I understood and saw her point, something didn’t feel right abou it.

    The reason why I say that is because a few days prior to the break up she was saying things like “this is not about breaking up. If I wanted to break up with you I would have done that already and not string you along”. Also she started on a higher dose of medication just 6 days prior to breaking up with me.

    So I am wondering how all these factors are related?

    Like I said, we’ve been together for almost 10 years and we share such a strong connection that was evident. We felt like we were each others “person” and I still firmly believe that.

    Now we are still living under the same roof, 2 separate rooms, because either of us can afford to move out, nor do we have anyone else to stay with.

    Please help?!

  118. Sophie says:

    Thank you so much for this, My beautiful partner of 6 months has left me due to a mental heath crisis. we had such a wonderful loving connected relationship, I really feel this man I would be spending the rest of my life with, the last few weeks he became withdrawn, distant. and sunday said he feels we need to separate. he came round last night, Crying and telling how hes been feeling. I cant believe I had missed the signs, He is lost he feels he cannot give me what i deserve and i should ‘trade him in’ he said he does not want to take be down with him he is trying to protect me from himself. He said he has had the most amazing 6 months with me never a row or a cross word, just so much love and connection, he said being with me has made him a better person but he feels he cannot cope with a relationship he can barely look after himself and his dog, he said if i meet someone and that went well i should go with that. He kept apologising for what hes putting me through. I said i do understand what he is saying, I do not want anyone else. I’m so sorry he is in such a dark place, he told me not to wait for him but he is going to get counselling but he feels he wont ever feel better again. I told him i will be here when he finds himself, and to come and find me however long that takes. He kept hugging and apologising. I have been depressed, I am also a psychotherapist. I don’t know how he personally feels but i understand the bleakness. I just trust when he finds himself he will once again find me. I love that man so much. I just wish him well on his journey and trust things will be okay in the end.

    • bluebird says:

      Hi, I am goingthrough something so simillar. I was with someone too good to be true. Amazing, chivalrous, smart, witty and just a beautiful human being. he really studied me and doted on me even though I never expect such treatment. He never would let me give him anything or do anything for him as though he knew that he did not want to get atached. It is almost like he knew that he would cycle and need to push away. everything was so great and one day he just shut down completely, started finding fault in me and looking for imperfections so that he could convince himself I have a bad side and he needs to get rid of me. but then later he would say he is sorry becuase he knows he is hurting me, especially because I really care about him. when I talk to him, he looks different, his face/expression looks like someone else and his voice sounds so different, his comments are almost like a teenager and suddenly, i went from going over his place every weeekend to being a “bother” to him.

      This major shift took place overnight – I went from a loving/trusting feeling to being pushed away and not permitted to going over or being friends. I know its not him. The whole thing is like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde – there are split seconds that the real him peaks through but only every couple days and then the other side comes on strong and cuts me off. HOw can I stay in touch or connected without being a pest? I know he was still thinking becuase he did not want to give back my stuff for quite a while after the break up – He kept saying he will bring me my stuff and he kept if fir a while until I requested it all back. why would he hold my stuff for so long – he wouldnt give it back!
      its almost like he knew when he got better he wanted to return it then.

      we were together for 5 months but it went really fast and we told each other more that we have told anyone else. How can unobtrusively reach out/check in without pissing him off?

      I asked hime if we could be friends and when he was in angry mode he stated he did not want to be my friend but then when he was in another frame of mind he said sure, I can talk to him sometime. The pushing and pulling makes me feel llike I want to stay close and in touch – its what and how I can be subtle that is challenging. Any advice on waysto reach out and talk to him and gain some trust?
      Thank you very much!

      • sophie says:

        Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this too, I don’t want to give you false hope but on Christmas eve my boyfriend called as he wanted to see me, I had left the door open for communication although he had completely shut me out for the 5 days prior to this and I told him i would give him the time he needs as I love him, but I must now move on with my life and start to heal, this does not mean i do not care. so his call xmas eve was completely unexpected, I really had started to accept he wouldn’t be coming back and his demons where bigger than he could deal with and a relationship.
        He came to see me, he cried and told me what he had been going through and after a lot of talking he asked would I consider taking him back, its been a week and a bit now, he feels a huge amount of guilt for what he has put me though, he knows I do feel a little insecure now as hes left once before and in the back of my mind I ask will this happen again? He is also suffering PTSD which has come back into his life since his depression has appeared, he has serious nightmares of the event he went through many years back and is really not in a good way right now, watching him wake up from these dreams is so disturbing.
        I have accepted my relationship will not be the same as it was a few months ago, there is a lot of trust I need to rebuild but I hold no resentment towards him, This isn’t his or my fault. I just wish i could take his pain away. I know he will get better but I have said to him that I will not suggest or push him to do anything, but I am here if he wants to talk or ask my thoughts on how he is feeling.
        During the time apart all I did (apart from a huge amount of crying) was give him space, I went out with my friends, I cried, I just trusted he would be back one day but I would not ‘wait’, I honestly thought this would be in the summer time, maybe once he was feeling better again. I am so happy he is back, but its now the situation of how to support him while looking after myself on his journey to get well again. His words have matched his actions this last week, he has never been snappy/hurtful to me in anyway.
        I have had to set my boundaries that if he did leave me again, I couldn’t take him back as it utterly devastated me when he left. I have said if he lets me down (without letting me know first) or treats me badly I also cannot be with him, but I accept he cannot be the boyfriend he wants to be for me right now (happy/out with our friends/100 per cent attentive although he has been so wonderful the last week despite how hes been feeling) I accept he needs his space at times as long as he communicates this to me first (not just dropping off the face of the earth) There is a lot of work and healing to do, and the adjustments of accepting a ‘new’ relationship with his limitations at the moment. My friends have been such a support and I have just started seeing a counsellor (my supervisor) to help me work though my own feelings about what has happened and how to move forward. All the best to you.

      • Sugarplum fairy says:

        I just had a very similar situation happen to me. I had been dating a guy for about 10 weeks who was utterly amazing. He was sweet and kind and never let me pay for anything and always arranged really fun dates for us. We had funny things in common and seemed to have a mutual respect.
        He was a gentleman. Oh yea and we had excellent chemistry. He traveled for work a few times over the last three months for five days at a time or so but we were constantly in touch everyday. I am a cautious person and guard my heart. He persued me and eventually began to almost make me feel like he cared deeply for me. Prior to Christmas I really let my guard down and felt myself starting to fall for him the way he was already seeming to fall for me. The weekend before Christmas was our best date/time yet.
        I knew that he spent a great deal of time alone and that his dad had died two years ago, around the same time that he got out of a five-year relationship that ended badly.
        He spent Christmas Day with his mother (it was a last resort after his brother couldn’t make it down). He hadn’t seen his mom in a year and a half but she lives locally… I do not know the dynamic of their relationship or how he truly thinks about her … but all I know is that he spent the day with her and was a completely different person by that evening. He has completely shut me out and asked for time. He told me he has “no support system” and said “please I just need time this will be good for me.” He also told me it is the best thing for us and that he has not had to deal with “this” in two years. I assumed he means feelings for a female. He did say something about people eventually disappointing each other and how he’s not a casual dater but someone who does relationships… Which made no sense seeing as he basically ended us at 3 months. He did say he was scared or something along those lines and that he didn’t want to stop seeing me but needs “time.” I really just thought that he was an introverted very strong person with a few close friends who threw himself into his job and was good at it. Now I am wondering if there is something much deeper going on, which there must be. Like the weekends he dosnt leave the house or his bed.
        Like a typical woman I made the situation about me and thought he was dissing me or cutting things off. I did go to his house and get a few of my belongings which he seems surprised about but I did not know what else to do.
        We consequently didnt spend NYE together or my
        Birthday together which was hurtful. I am trying not to make this about me. I am very concerned for him and his own well being. We seemed on our way to a healthy full blown relationship until Christmas. I myself have my own issues with loss, anxiety and depression and it took me time/years to help myself which I still actively do. I am an only child and my mom died suddenly when I was 19. My dad is not existent. I have extended family and many close friends. I know if anyone could understand him or listen it would be me but he has shut me out. I feel like we were meant to meet. I hope there’s still hope for him and for us as partners. I am having a difficult time and it feels like another loss. I have yet to hear from him in 11 days. I don’t want to put my life or heart on hold but I also can’t walk away from something that still deserves attention.

  119. Jane says:

    Hi, I am new to posting on anything like this but have been reading for a while. My husband of 7 years (together 16 years since she 16) left in June saying he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to give up on the possibility of having that spark in a relationship again. We have two children together (age 2 and 5). Last year my husbsnd was anxious, depressed and suicidal. It seemed to be over his job (director of his own company) and together we made the difficult decision for him to resign for the sake of his health and our family. I think we thought the tough times would be over, but they weren’t. He started freelance work and began withdrawing, whilst u carried on managing a stressful job as a lawyer and running the house, the children etc. Things weren’t particularly happy between us but I thought we were going through a rough patch. My husband has given very mixed messages about what the future holds since he left and has continued to have suicudal thoughts. He had 5 counselling sessions this summer and told me that his ‘issues’ we’re not really about our relationship but he didn’t know where that left us as he didn’t feel ‘in love’ and didn’t know if he could again. The ‘issues’ he talked about focussed on grief over his father who we lost 11 years ago. He has not been able to talk about his dad at all in those past 11 years. After his counselling stopped, he reverted to saying I caused his depression and anxiety by being a ‘very angry person’ and i had worn him down and we were over for good. He took of his wedding ring and started a friendship with another woman who ‘understands him’. Fast forward to now, and my husband has started therapy again (today) and has apologised and taken responsibility for his own anxiety. He feels the same about me (no love) but he now says that before he left he did feel in love with me some days but was very confused. Is there a chance that he will feel differently about me, or want to explore rebuilding our love, when he is feeling better?

  120. Sean says:

    Going to keep it short and sweet because i’ve been reading thousands of pages and posts on the subject. Been married for 10 years, wife decided last week she still loves me, but is not in love with me. She has periods of the day when she’s cold, but then others where she’ll walk up and just cuddle up to me like its another day. I know she’s had depression off and on throughout the years, but I never expected this until after it happened. Now I can’t convince her that she should try treatment even though a doctor diagnosed her. She says she just wants to leave, but she quit her job. I have a 5 year old daughter with her, and this whole thing has turned me so upside down I’M going to a doctor for antidepressants next week. I guess I just need to know if anyone thinks there’s anything I can do.

  121. Amy says:

    I would like to make a Facebook page where we can all talk and be supportive to one another.if anybody is interested let me know..

    • favour says:

      Am interested please because it will help alot of people

      • Amy says:

        I created a facebook group for people to come to to talk to others .Someone messaged me here saying it would help.I think it will help.So please copy the sentence below and put it in the search box on facebook.You should come across the group .Its the only one on facebook.Message me here if you have any troubles..

        There’s is a big rainbow with a quote fir the timeline picture for this group.

        How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves?

        • Paola says:

          Hi Amy,
          The link to this facebook group is not working at my end. Is there any other way to join this group?
          Thank you in advance,

    • Amy says:

      I closed the group due to no activity. People were not sharin. I shared mine again. Only one person from here responded. I’m to busy with my life and children now.


  122. Haruka says:

    Hy, I recently stumble upon this post and was thinking to myself; “Ok we won’t let it come this far ever. We are stronger than that.” I was wrong. Four days ago it just happened. We had another stupid fight, a fight over cleaning the home, where she was upset that it wasn’t clean how she wanted it to be and she just left. I got a text message two days later saying that she doesn’t have the strength anymore to fight and making it work. She blamed me for everything and after I send her an e-mail that was reflecting what I was thinking and hoping and feeling she got even angrier.
    The whole story starts 2 weeks before Christmas where her anxiety disorder, depersonalisation, panic disorder and depression kicked in like a tornado. She had some episodes in the past but they were driven by some events like the passing of her grandfather and the death of her dog whom she had for 15 years and raised when he was just a puppy. This episodes didn’t last long usually for a month or two and she was back again. But when it started this winter I was freaked out by the looks of it. I was scared and tried to do something. Eventually she went to a doctor and was prescribed medications. In about 3 weeks she was much better. But then her midterms came and she couldn’t concentrate enough because of her medication and stress so she asked her doctor to help her. He said she should stop taking medications if she feels better and see what will happen. . She went through a withdrawal phase was ok for a week and then crushed again. She called the doctor and told him that this didn’t work and he gave her a sets of new medications that should help her concentrate but in my opinion they just made her angrier and lost. She passed just one exam and was devastated because now she has to prepare 5 of them for the Fall. Than the issue with her tuition for university came. She wasn’t able to work because of her condition and I was relaying on money that I should have been given by my last employer so I could help her, but like always in life, when you need something as much, it never happens. I was called a monster and a liar for not being able to help her.
    So four days ago it just happened. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t expecting that but I thought we would overcome it. We had some rough times, fights due to her condition, breakups that lasted for a day, less maybe, and because of that that I could always cope with everything that was happening, and it was expected from me that I understand it. We don’t have a supporting system here in my country very much you see. There are just 4 doctors that offer cognitive therapy and no one can get a date to go to treatment. And even if you do, your health insurance does not cover it, so for people who are students ore not swimming in cash its practically unreachable to get the needed treatment. Depression is not treated as a serious problem and there is no doctor that would help the couples or have time to devote to a depressed patient. So everything I learn about this I had to learn form internet and library. But nothing, library not the internet, not even comments of people who have overcome it, nothing of that could prepare me for what I experienced this half year.
    The worst thing of it all is that she is now convinced that I was lying to her all the time and I was just keeping things from her because she said that she was not able to cope with, and I quote :” your shit as well”. I tried to protect her and now that seems to be a problem. Words like you were never there for me, you never helped me, you I hate, you make me worse, you. . . It kills me.
    I have forsaken my friends, my colleagues, my family, even when I write this I told my parents I’m going abroad for couple of months so I don’t have to leave for weekends like I used to and stay with her all the time. I tried my best I think, but it clearly wasn’t good enough if she decided to leave me. I know she would now say ; “O God you are making it all about yourself now”, but I’m hurt, I’m depressed for months and she didn’t notice how hard I’m trying to keep me and her above the water. I didn’t have time to seek someone out for help so my whole world was dedicated to her. And still is. When I would have a bad day and it was so bad I couldn’t console it like usually and pretend I’m brilliant and she was partially ok she would lash out and jell why I destroy everything good and why every time she is ok I’m not and then drag her down again. It’s not that I plan that! And when I asked her why when she is ok and I’m not she doesn’t pick me up she sad that is because I transfer all the negative things to her and then she does not care anymore.
    The thing that scared me more than everything else is that she told me she doesn’t not feel remorse. The drugs and depression numbed her and she knows that some things she does are not ok but can’t help herself. I never get to speak to her doctor who in my opinion is doing a bad work because he is a friend of her mothers and she can’t tell him a lot of things she could to an unbiased therapist. He’s switching her from one medication to another and once a moth talks to her for about a half an hour. Rivotril, Deprozel, to Aurorax and Rivotril. . . And so one. . Mixing up drugs where it stands in papers there should be a pause between taking them. I’m scared for her because she is talking about being fed up with everything and that nothing makes sense and that she can’t take it anymore and wants it all to end. Today she send me an SMS telling me to come over if I like.
    I’m close to an end myself and I don’t know what to do any more. I started to feel angry at her, at myself, at her depression. . I don’t want to give up, not after three years of a relationship after everything good that happened after everything she did for me. I love her and I would do everything for her. Can someone please help us!

  123. mel says:

    my husband and i have been together for 20 years …with out all the details leading up to his depression …he let our home foreclose and i did not know and he left…i never stopped emailing him or sending him messages i video taped messages and sent them day in and day out!!!!! to let him know he is not a bad man the dpepr4ession caused this to happen ..thank goodness i have trad much about this..i knew he loved me ..i knew if i did not give up it would sink in and it did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dont give up!!!! i am made it though depression fall out…we now have to put our lives back together job wise ect but we have each other and thats the most important thing there is!!! ……if i would of listened to ppl i never would be writing this…..thank GOODNESS i trust myself and my love i knew we shared……always listen to yourself always!

    • favour says:

      Hi Mel happy to read your post and I still have hope my boyfriend will come back to me thanks for your post it makes me to have hope

    • Stac says:

      I’m very new to this page.
      I’m going through the worst time ever! After reading your message MEL, Im not going to lie. I cried. I’ve talked to so many people about my situation. I’ve been told to let go, move on and so on. My ex and I were together for 14 years, I’m 25…… So almost half my life. We were only with each other. We were engaged and talking about a baby.
      He became depressed from work and had told me after the break up that more than likely he has PTSD.
      He ended the relationship about 3 months ago. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming but non the less it’s painful. I don’t want to give up on hope. He fell out of love. He started dateing someone else right away. But is more down and almost suffering. We didn’t talk much after the break up but started to. Then…. We became close in many ways. Ways we shouldn’t have. Now the feelings are all over the place. He feels more comfortable and complete when we’re toegther. I won’t get into all of the details but this man is so important to me and I won’t give up. Although I know I can’t push for him to gain all those feelings back for me. I feel that once he becomes healthy again, that he will see things more clear. He’s told me he know that he loved me. He knows we were good toegther. But he couldn’t love me the way he wanted to. In a way I respect him for ending it when he did. I didn’t know what was happening. So I thoght the worst. Turns out I was wrong. I love him with everything I have. And I hope when he gets help with at maybe he can see we are great together. We give each other something you can’t just find. We complete eachother. Deep down I fee we will try again. After 14 years of growing up toegther and knowing everything about each other, I feel it’s not something to just walk away from.

  124. John says:

    Dear F,
    About 5 years ago I fell in love with someone who was in a far distance relation with someone else. We where dating but she wasn’t sure what to do. After her relation finished she came back to me. And after about 6 months she started to live together. I came out of a divorce with a young child and a somehow special but problematic woman.
    We – in the new situation – where pretty happy. But she had lots of critics on my ex because it took lots of time for me to not let her drawn including my child (financially etc). I made it to let her have counseling but still after 6 years it keeps me busy.
    My GF is an international student trying getting a carrier in her field. Next year is her last and final year. Since 2 years ago (half way in living together) she started to pull out a bit more. No holidays together saying she needs all her time for study. Leaving me spending time with my daughter. Same for the weekends. It’s not really nice but I got used to it. Thinking it will come later. We also had fun in between and she spends some quality time together too. With me and with my now 7 years old girl too.
    Last year was no easy year economically. I was also in hospital for a week one year ago. My GF visited me there but instead of total support she was aldo crying a lot she was so tired. Study, taking care etc. she failed some important auditions – competitions for a job in her field of study last year too. Recently my daughter got some problems in her school because of some strange teacher so it takes my attention. I went on a short holiday with my daughter but meanwhile my GF was getting more and more uncertain about herself, her study and future. 2 years ago. Until one year ago she use to say she’s happy. Last year till now she still says where her family and this is her home. But same amount if time she is saying she is unhappy. Doesn’t want a family. Wants to live on herself. Totally wants to focus on her study. Its her last year. Her last chance. She says. I’m having to much trouble (ex school daughter etc) she says so she can not focus. I’m actually recovering pretty good from hospital / illness. But I made myself more independent from her / GF because she seems sometimes bizarre in her behavior that I don’t want to drawn waiting for her. I see her more as a big child last weeks. But I love her a lot. She loves me too she says. She has sleeping problems from about she was failing the competitions. If you can not sleep you become depressed too. Says its not about me. So last night she was crying saying shes gonna leave this morning sleeping at a friend. She wants to be close to her university. Stop all her other activities (she had a nice succes full small creative hobby – business going on here that relaxes her in the past). So I’m laying here in another room reading a bit about depression on the internet passing by this sad stories of people going truth something with a depressed person. Don’t know if it’s good to try to hard. And tell her I will support her. Or should I? I need my energy for my daughter. I’m doing better alone than with my depressed GF actually. I was afraid not, but I took control of myself some weeks ago. And I feel better. Still have to take even more care of myself. I feel in all the stories here people writing giving away to much of themselves. Not getting back what the give. I think I will get up and talk with her and see if she really leaves. I hope not and that we can get truth. But how? Anyone had any advice what to do ? It’s pretty sad when you love someone. Take care people.

  125. Shanté says:

    We recently had a baby in September 2013. During the pregnancy things were tuff. He was going back and forth with different jobs and I was terminated from my employer for being pregnant. This immediately put a strain on our relationship. Not to mention we didn’t plan this nor were we ready but he insisted things were going to be ok and to follow through with the pregnancy. I had a lot of health issues from depression I ended up going back to my mother and he went back to his. This killed us but it seemed right. We are 28 and 32 and just didn’t know what to do. He went through a great depression when I was 6 months. His phone was off, he wasn’t answering emails so I went over to his mother’s house. When I went in his room he was drunk and there were beer bottles everywhere. I thought I had encouraged him and things were going to get better but it didn’t I didn’t hear from him for 4 weeks. I didn’t see him until I went into labor at 7 months. When he showed all I could do is cry and ask why is he doing this. He said he was trying to get things together etc. After having the baby things were ok until December. He started drinking heavily again. February I moved into my sister’s home she said to stay and get on my feet. On Valentine’s Day he was arrested for DUI. I didn’t know where he was or anything because his phone was off. He finally reached me on f/b. That’s when he explained everything. He asked if he could borrow 400 dollars to pay his mom back because that was her mortgage money. I gave him a money order. He then lost his job for being arrested. I wanted to lift his spirits so I planned an extravagant birthday party for him in March. After the 16th of March I didn’t see him until March 28. His phone was off again and I had no idea where he could be. On the 28th I finally told him I had enough. I don’t know what going on and I was tired. We talked things out and he moved in with my sister and I on the 30th i f March. I knew he wasn’t comfortable but I did my best to try to make him so. We discussed our plans for moving out things were going great. We went on dates, we really just enjoyed each others company. Also he was a help to our son. His tags and license were expired during that time so I was willing to loan him the money to fix it. I ended up paying a 260 dollar suspension fee for him so he could figure out out how he was going to pay the rest. It never got done. On April 7th he was up at 7 am and he said he was going to get the “ball rolling ” so he could find a job and get his tags and license squared away. He said he’d be back that night and for me to call him when I got out my interview. He never came back. Again his phone was off. His mom couldn’t find him, His best friends couldn’t find him. This went on for 3 weeks. Finally I reached out to his brother because my boyfriend’s bf and I were going to put out a missing persons report. I had paid his phone bill and we were not getting an answer. His brother contacted us hours later saying he is depressed and he had a heart to heart with him. His bf and I still know nothing of this conversation. I started texting him and I finally got a response. He said he is tired of being a bum and things gotta get done. He stated I wouldn’t understand but when it’s all done I will understand. I begged and pled for him to come back. I asked why did he lie, I asked if I did something wrong, is it another woman what is it. He said I don’t want you to carry the load on your own and I don’t want you to do anything else for me. I told him I felt used betrayed and mislead. He replied used! Betrayed! I tell u my plans and that’s all you can say. This went on and on. I have said I love you, I miss you, let me help and even asked what can I do to help and he replied just let me get through this…no pressure just let me get things on track. His phone is off again and it’s May 20 2014. All I do now is pray because I don’t know what else to do. He said he knows he makes bad decisions at times but this time he is doing the right thing for the kids we both have 1 child from prior relationships. He said he wants to get help because too much has happened and a man is suppose to provide for his family. Its killing me. I don’t speak on it because I don’t want anyone to know I’m hurting but this is killing me day by day. There is nothing I can do at this point. All I want is for us to be a family again like he always said we were.

    • bella says:

      Oh my dear girl..ibhave been thtough the exact thing…My husband said he was going to work and never returned…i havent heard from him in 5 weeks…made a missing persons report…they finally found him…he just didnt wantvto b married any more but i guess didnt think i needed to know!!!…I also found out he was using dtugs ….so he would disapear all the time..but blame me somehow and cause a fight so he could leave….this is exhausting…and to b abandoned is such torment….please find the courage to run…and dont look back…nothing good will come of this life for you…dont b like me 50 years old thrown out like a used dish rag….run!!!

  126. Chad says:

    Im 24 years old my wife is 22 we got married a year and a half ago we had our share of issues like every married couple does she we got prego and were happy but about 3 months after my son was born she went to live with her family and took my son with saying she wants a divorce and telling me confuseing things like she should care but doesnt is this depression? shes been gone for 3 months and i havent gotten any divorce papers yet she wont talk to me either last thing she said to me was happy birthday and thats it she has me blocked on facebook but talks to me on another account for some reason id appreciate an email because i love my family very much she jus acts like she hates me but says she doesnt im jus confused please help!

    • Shanté says:

      Don’t assume the worst but be prepared for anything. 3 months is a long time. Don’t put yourself on hold too long. I honestly would say if she doesn’t come around after 8 months to a year depending on you. If she is not trying to reconcile then you have to let it go. It is hard being without the person you love but you deserve to be loved in return. Do everything possible to save your marriage so you can say you tried.

  127. scott says:

    I am 40 years old, was married for over 20 years and recently separated with my wife, I have a son who is 12. We just drifted apart after all that time together. I moved out a year ago and started seeing a woman I met online, she is younger at 35, a single mother of 2 kiddies under 10.. we have been together off and on (having a break twice for short periods over the last 12 months). she has her kids 1 week out of two sharing custody with her ex. She saw her ex as the love of her life, big, tall muscly but their separation involved her being bashed one night and she left, that was 2 years ago. she still loves him and has told me that, she has been recently divorced from him which was a hugely emotional day for her….i think she is not ready for a real relationship as she loves her space and freedom, she has been known to have been a bit wild and changed a lot since her seperation and divorce… her father left her when she was very little and she suffers from huge self esteem issues.. physical appearance is a huge thing for her.. shes not touchy feely like me and doesnt show affection except to her kids as a mother does… weve had our fair share of discussions around her inability to show affection towards me and she says she has shut off since her ex, she is very adventurous in regards to sex… but afterwards there is no intimacy, no cuddling etc… its like a barrier comes up and she doesnt want to be touched.. just recently she has been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance with regards to copper toxicity which has an effect on moods… one minute she loves me the next she hates me and wants to be left alone… she has loads of friends and is very social, but lately has been a bit of a hermit… i am very good to her and her kids and treat them very well, paying for medication for her to get better, helping with the kids… she has this idea of a perfect man with my personality traits but in a bigger more muscly body… she says she loves me and doenst want to lose me from her life but wow does she treat me like shit… all my friends say to dump her i deserve better but i know she does have a big heart and can be loving and is… but her self esteem is so low currently, single mother, no job prospects, living without her kids and now the chemical imbalance… I think when shes good shes really good but shes been off the rails alot lately… i seriously think she has a major problem but doesnt want to recognise it or deal with it and i am the scapegoat on everything… i mean everything… im too available, im not available enough, i text back too quick, not quick enough, ive got a good heart but im not tal enough or muscly enough… blah blah blah… i am now seeing someone as i think i am suffering depression because of her…. can anyone help me to advise how i get through this? i know i should leave her but i would just be another person in her life who has left when things got tough and im not that person, i am also not sure how much more of this treatment i can handle…
    thanks for the support guys and gals….

    • bella says:

      Watch out…this type of girl will leave u as soon as she finds Mr.Muscles….I know my sister has been married 9 times and always finds a new improved muscle man…and when it doesnt go good with them she will come crying back to you!!…RUN!

  128. Helen says:

    The more I think about my story the more I realize that my ex must have some sort of mental illness or depression because nothing seems to make sense about his leaving. I was 8 months pregnant when he left me. The baby is 3 weeks old and he hasn’t called or checked in to see how his kid is. This was from a man who use to write me love letters, tell me I was beautiful and use to daydream about our unborn son with me together.

    The baby came as a bit of a surprise, we hadn’t been together very long and we both didn’t have full time jobs. Also out age difference is about 14 years I am his senior, but it never seemed to effect our ability to relate to each each, I am very young at heart and don’t look my age. He is quite mature for his and was, in my mind, quite a remarkable young man. I hadn’t been with anybody for a long time before I met him and he knew that when we started sleeping with each other. It was part of what he said he liked about me. That I was “clean”. Anyway, I thought we were very loving and supportive of each other. There were a few instances where he would say he would do something and then not follow through with it, but I chalked it up to him just having a change of heart and I thought that being in a relationship was not being so rigid and having flexibility with other people so I let it slide when I found out I was pregnant, love would conquer all right? When I told him I was pregnant he had just come home from a business trip. It was calculated that I was around 4 weeks pregnant which would have meant we conceived in the week before he left. The night he returned from abroad he invited me over to his place and I told him the news. He was surprised but happy, we talked about how beautiful and athletic our child would be. The next day he came over to my place in a panic and told me that he had thought about it and thought that I should have an abortion. I told him he needed to leave and that his energy was really bad for me.

    I took a long good time to think about what I was going to do and wrote him a note that said I was going to keep the baby. After a few weeks we came together again and talked about my decision. I was angry with him but I knew that he needed to step up or step out. He said that the letter I wrote him made him want to be a father and from that point forward things started to work out well. We moved in together, got steady jobs, met each other’s families and started to plan for our little one. I forgot to mention that we came from very different upbringing. My folks have been together for 50 years and his folks don’t/didn’t speak to each other for years and are both single. I never thought that would be a factor but the more I come to understand how where we come from influences our behaviour the more I see it as an influence. The months passed and things were good. I saw this man as very loving and gentle and excited for the coming of his son. So did my folks, the ladies at the grocery store the doctors at my prenatal appointments….everyone. Things shifted one night when I was irritated and upset. My hormones had been getting the best of me lately, I was not sleeping much at night and the whole pregnancy thing was beginning to get to me at 7 or so months along. He didn’t call after work one night and it was a cocktail for disaster when all I needed was a hug and kiss and a sense that the sky was not going to fall on top of me. He ended up turning off his phone and not coming home that night. I was livid. I took a few of his belongings and packed them up, I thought that if he was to spend a few days away from me, he would realize how good he had it with me and he would come back to me with a new attitude. That backfired, the whole thing escalated and he didn’t come back for two weeks. When we did he told me that he didn’t love me the way he thought he did and that he wanted to take a step back. I was devastated. We started living together again with a new outlook on or relationship. I didn’t take it for granted that he was around and asked him if he still wanted to be living with me. He said yes and we talked about rebuilding the trust that was lost when I sent him packing. I told him it wasn’t that I was kicking him out for good but that I needed some space in addition to not wanting to be made to feel he didn’t care by the way he just shut me out that night. It seemed like we had had out first real big misunderstanding and that we got through it with a real sense about learning about one another. I saw it as a growing pain.

    Then it happened. One night after a nice meal he told me something about that happened that day. He had lied to me about where he was that afternoon. I didn’t much care about what he did but I told him that I was disappointed that he lied to me and I asked him why he felt the need to lie after he and I talked so much about rebuilding our foundation of trust. I went to bed “disappointed”. The next day he did a flip on me telling me that he was suicidal and that it was not my “business” then he bolted. He said that he wanted to be with other woman, that I treated him like “a dog” and that I was crazy. He had a meltdown right in front of me.

    I texted him for days after that asking him if he was ok and telling him that I loved him and providing support anyway I could. I was 8 months pregnant at this point, surely he would come around.

    After a near miscarriage 911 call one night where he did not call me back to see how I was doing, it began to sink in. He doesn’t care about this baby or I anymore. I tried to keep him abreast of the medical situation surrounding his child and to invite him to the birth but all I got back was a denial of paternity and words of aggression and anger from him and his parents.

    He won’t see me and he hasn’t inquired about his son. There are more sad details about his response but it’s not important, I think if I was to say that I think he is depressed or going through some sort of mental breakdown that this is my way of dealing with all the hurt surrounding this ordeal. Other people say he is just really immature, others that he is trying to get out of paying child support.

    I just miss my lover and friend. I feel so guilty that my son has no father now and that the man that I thought I could trust is so angry and aggressive towards me. He’s done a complete 180 degree flip and won’t even talk to me. Is he depressed?

  129. Worried says:

    I’m not sure if my situation falls into this category or even if there is any hope but I thought I would post to see if anyone has any thoughts. My ex partner and I had been together for over 4 years, and last year had been planning on buying a house together and starting a family – we were very happy together. About 9 months ago it became apparent that my partner’s father had mental health issues. It was a very difficult time for him just to get a diagnosis, it is Alzheimers. At this time I knew my partner was struggling with the situation, but he kept pushing me away saying he was fine. Two months later he lost his job, whereby his confidence hit an all time low and over the next few months we became more disconnected. He didn’t even really attempt to find a new job and he was trying to get care for his dad – he is an only child and his parents are divorced and so it was his sole responsibility – he wouldn’t let me help. Work was very busy for me, and he just wanted to spend the evenings with his friends. In January, my partner blindsided me and ended our relationship coming out with all sorts of ridiculous reasons that we should split up, he seemed so unhappy but was convinced that life would be better without me. I kept trying to help him, calling, texting etc but he kept saying I should leave him alone. In March it seems that things became worse, I found out that he had been having an affair with his friend’s wife for the last four months of our relationship, and telling me that he is in love with her,that he hasn’t loved me for a long time and that I am never to contact him again – he blocked me on Facebook, blocked my number and blocked my email, the only way I can communicate with him is via his friend. He has even created these bad things about our relationship which just didn’t exist, but he seems to believe they did. He is still seeing this woman, even though she is still with her husband. I would expose the affair, but she has two young children, and I don’t want to be the one to ruin their lives. My ex used to stand up for everything that he believed in, but he just seems to be a doormat where she is concerned and does everything that she tells him – I don’t think she has any intention of leaving her husband. She has also blocked me on Facebook and so has her husband. We have two cats who he adored and his words were “they’re your cats now, they’re nothing to do with me.” He is also drinking a lot, which is out of character as he would normally only drink now and then. This whole situation has left me devastated, as well as my family and friends. They are all so worried about him, thinking that he is depressed. He is one of the kindest people I have ever met and cared so much for me, he would go out for his way to help other people. He had so much ambition and drive, and it just seems to have to disappeared – he still doesn’t have a job, and doesn’t seem to be trying hard to get one, he is living with his mum who is finding him difficult to live with and as far has I know spent most of the money that he had saved for a deposit on a house. He is a shadow of the person, that I know. I realise that some of this is down to guilt, but this self destruction started prior to this affair. Only my family and friends, and his best friend know about the affair, I am certain that if his friends knew what he was doing they wouldn’t be so friendly towards him. I have done nothing but support and love him whilst we were together, and I want nothing more than to help him now, but he doesn’t think that he has a problem and is being nothing but horrible to me and as I said completely cut me off. He is making out that he is so happy and better off without me. I am unable to stand by and watch him destroy his life, and so I have taken the decision to move away, at least for a few months as I need time to clear my own head as I am starting to feel very low myself. I don’t condone what he has done, but he is a completely different person to the person that I was in a relationship with and I have the same fears as my family that this is depression. I still love him very much and really want to help him. I’m not even looking for a reconciliation at this time, it is his well being that I am more concerned about. I just don’t know what to do, and it is playing on my mind all the time. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

  130. Nettie says:

    You will find a lot of support at the site , it’s helped me a lot.

  131. Grieving says:

    I dont know whether this is a place to tell my story but i really need to know how to deal with my husband, who left us but i seriously thinking he is suffering from depression.

    I have had the most devastating experience of my life around 2 weeks back. My husband of 10 years left me and my two toddlers for a life of promiscuousity and alcohol and fun. We have been married for 10 years and prior to that we dated for around 4 years. We were madly in love with each other. He was always a bit aloof and he had control issues in that he always reacted even if he felt remotely controlled by anyone and his idea of “control” was very wide. Even “Why do u have to go to that party? Why cant we hang out by ourselves?” requests made him feel controlled and he would retaliate by partying even harder. I knew about these so I tried to give him as much freedom as possible; not even complaining when he took trips abroad with friends or acquaintances and without me. He was always a workaholic and seemed to excel in his work but he had a tendency of losing interest in a particular set of work within a span of 2-3 yrs. But we loved each other madly. The first time i felt he was changing was after the birth of our first child 4 years back. My husband decided to quit job and start his own consultancy work. This new venture, finances, the pressure of looking after a little baby, everything together drifted us apart a bit. The more i tried to be supportive and helpful, the more i felt he was imposing on me. Ofcourse, there were times when i lost it and said stuff. Things went really sour when our second child was born 1.5 yrs back. Right after her birth, my husband had a heart attack, albeit a minor one. He is only 37. After that, he became really irritable. Everything we (me and his mother) did irritated him. He tried to do everything we told him not to do. Ate fatty food, became an alcoholic, started smoking like a chimney; and he continuously blamed us for trying to control him. He increasingly came home late, mostly after midnight, drunk most nights. He even started partying hard and having affairs with other women. I tried to pursuade him to atleast be good for the sake of the children but that seemed to have the opposite effect. Then almost 3 months back, he told me clearly that he is sleeping around with other women and he feels suffocated by family bindings. He doesnt even want to stop sleeping with other women because he doesnt find me attractive. Despite this, i wanted to try and save our marriage for the sake of the two little children. However, 2 weeks back, he just came home, told me he feels very suffocated by family and just left us. He even cut of all contacts with his parents and all family members. I know he is now living alone and partying hard with booze, drugs and lots of fooling around and he says he feels free. But somehow I feel he is suffering from depression. He used to be a very loving and caring person. We have been together for almost 14 years and other than the last 1.5 years, he never seemed to hate me. His family also seems to be at a loss because he was never this type. I dont know how to get him to understand this or even how to convince him to seek help because whatever I say just makes him angrier at me. But I somehow feel he badly needs psychiatric help. I would be grateful for any suggestion.

  132. Cameron says:

    I am very aware of the ripples that depression can cause in a relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for around nine months, five in which the depression spell has heavily impacted our relationship. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I have been in this situation. After all the time I spent trying to be supportive but also making sure not to enable the healing process, I always end up realizing that having space is key. It seems that majority of people who suffer from this crippling disease, will usually end up pushing their partner away, leaving their supportive partner devastated. While taking space might seem drastic and selfish, is it not. You want to prevent feeling any negatives emotions towards them at all costs. The number thing to remember here, is you have to look out for yourself and your best interests. I am a firm believer that time heals everything and can make a world of difference in any situation. Be strong and stay confident in your decision.

    • zo says:

      This is so helpful thank you Cameron! My ex partner is currently struggling with depression and has gone from us being in love and him telling me he loves me so much to ”I can’t be in a relationship’ and saying ‘i love you but not as much as I used to’it is so hard and confusing as we work so well, but we have both be under a tremendous amount of stress lately. It seems the only thing he can actually control in his life is the relationship, so of course it was the first thing to go. I am trying so hard to give him his space and trying to focus on me getting through this, but all I want to do is support him through this tough time but I am scared that me offering help will only push him further away. Do I leave him alone or send a kind text every now and again?

  133. Susan says:

    My boyfriend of 6 years almost left me almost 3 weeks ago.Actually on Wed the 23rd makes 3 weeks. Anyways we just separated for 6 months .I rented a house on the other part of the city we live in.At first we kept our distance from eachother.But after a few weeks we were back in eachothers lives. He would stay every Sunday and a a few days during the week. So i moved back into his house with him recently .Well not even 3 weeks into me being here he started acting cold and not wanting to be intimate or affectionate.He started making excuses again and sleeping in his chair.I got so angry one night that i tossed the remote at his bestfriend the tv. This was after he said you moved yourself back in.In other words he didn’t want us back he was implying.I totally lost my cool because he went back to watching tv instead of trying to settle the argument. So he left that night with the police asstisting .He woke my kids up yelling at me too.So i called the police to help see him out. By the way he started packing after i broke his tv.So after that he finally came by that Sat.He tells me he had gone through some horrid events in his childhood sexual etc. And apparently they happened in the house we lived in.So now he was not sure what he wanted. He said to many triggers here between me and the house . Since that night he rarley returns an email.He doesnt have a cell phone .So i have to email him .He stays at his parents house where there is a home phone.Yet he doesnt want them involved he says so he told me to get him a phone>?My friends said no if he wants to contact you he can get one.After all cheap pay as you go or contract phones are everywhere these days right?So i didnt get him a phone.So another week went by with only one short response to an email i had sent him.He then comes over and sits down but not looking me in the face much.He acted like i might hurt him or something.He said he was having a breakdown.Which he claimed the last time he stopped over.So we sat and talked about the awful things he had gone through and the age of the incident etc. He knew i too had been hurt as a child many times. I told him he needed to be strong.I then asked him how he was feeling at one point.He replied saying he was having bad thoughts .I asked what these thoughts were?He said i feel like kicking a cat sometimes. I told him theres a big difference between thinking of it and doing it in reality.He was about to tell me more but then my daughter came downstairs . Also i took his house key on the first night because i was scared of him a little. The cops told me i could but he could legally break in too. Since then hes refused a key to his own house.He told me he wants me to feel safe. Which kinda gives me a uncomfortable feeling.He also wont get on meds and his parents are very relgious and controlling. He tells me he wont throw me and kids out but i live in fear of it daily.I just dont have the energy to move again right now. My oldest son of 20 is having a breakdown too because he was very attached to my boyfriend. My son operates mentally like a 10 to 12 year old most of the time.We are in the process of his ssi case . My other 2 kids are younger and one is angry and confused. My other child a girl of 16 is trying her hardest to help more around the house.Its been a tough few years with the kids dad passing , and then my mom 2 months later.My boyfriend knows this and he says we can stay here .He states he would never throw us out.He says that he doesn’t know if and when he will come back.He says this is hard on me too .He said i couldn’t sleep at night not knowing you and kids were ok and had a decent home or place to live,In fact he said i would not ever throw you and kids out.i couldn’t live with myself …My friends in family say stay for now because i cant afford to be on my own just yet.My oldest boy needs supervision because he has accidents and forgets the simplest things.He needs 24.7 supervision or something could happen.My x or whatever he is says he knows this and that is why he will let us stay.Again he says things like why do you want someone like me im no good?
    He just turned 43 this month .In fact our fight took place a few days after his birthday.I am so lost please anybody out there with advice? I would love to email others or talk here for support.
    What should i do ? Wait it out for now? Im in his house and my kids schools are here etc. Im at my wits end ..
    p.s. he said he doesnt know if he can ever be sexual again with me due to past abuse from many years ago.I dont understand this because bad things happened to me as a kid .Yet i still want to love and show love etc.? Is this deprrsssion or is he using his past to dump me? I just dont know what to think. I told him toi see a dr but he says no i dont like doctors. He says he cant be fixed too..
    Lost in Chicago

  134. Alejandro says:

    I am also going through this really tough situation. Me and My wife thats weve ben married had our ups and downs but the thing is my mother and father in law. You see when I first met her she was really depresed due to her parents, they hit her and she had no choice but to leave with her ex but she wasnt.happy and she came.back to live with her parents she was cutting herself due to this but I talked her out of it got her happy and in love with me and Im really happy. But the thing is she lives in mexico and I live in Usa and im fixing her papers we have about 4 more months so we can be together good I go from time to time she gets sad when I leave but I talk to her and get her to fel better. But receantly we found out my law is cheating and they are always arguing and my wife is tired of this and she warned me if they dont change in 3 weeks shes leaving far away for nobady to see her. Im recantly working and I dont want to loose the immigration just because its atressful there where she is. I told her if its necesary I need to go to talk to them and show her I care I love being with her id live overthere but I see there is no future due to econimic things I want her to come to the US so she can see and make her have a better future for us. She recently told me she dont care anymore about me she ignores when I call I get frustrated but I let her know shes not alone and she cant leave because if she does ill be there But I just dont want to loose the papers almost a yr. Like this and everything was well just recently about her parents they argue and shes tired of it just wants to leave Everything and start a new life.I told her a couple more months we can be together With a new life just her and me. I need help trying to decide what to do? Im thinking of going for a week and talk to them and be there and show her I care and Love her. Sorry if my english isnt well

  135. Roisin says:

    I am really confused, my boyfriend and I had been dating for almost two years and while we had out ups and downs everything seemed to be going fine. When I first met him I was in the early stages of receiving therapy for some self esteem and anxiety issues but he was very supportive and understanding. He has a very stressful job and issues of his own that have led to him attending counselling recently however despite all this he continued to remain an affectionate and caring boyfriend.

    A few months ago he became concerned about not knowing what our future would be stating at times he could see a future with me and at other times he could not. Maybe I was naive but seeing things in the long term can prove challenging for me as I often doubt things will work out and as such I reassured him that nobody knows their future for definite and that all I asked was that he was with me because he wanted to be right now, that the future will work out if it is meant to be – after this our relationship returned to normal and we continued to spend time together, it genuinely felt like his initial concerns were caused by a friend telling him he should just know if we had a future or not. He continually told me he loved me and acted affectionately towards me.

    A few days ago however he told me that we are over. This breakup took me by surprise as earlier that day we were making plans for seeing each other the following week. He told me he doesn’t know who he is and wants a clean slate, that he cannot see any kind of a future not just for us for for himself and does not want to waste my time. He acts like he does not deserve happiness but he is a genuinely loving and caring person who deserve to be happy.

    I am very worried about him and accept that he might just no longer love me, but I cannot stop worrying about him. I wish there was someway of him understanding the person I saw in him rather than the negative view he has of himself.

  136. Jeannette says:

    I started seeing the most amazing man last May. We found each other after both having gone through so much.The more time we spent together, the more it became obvious that this was ‘it’. Fast forward to 1 month ago. Things were still wonderful. His father, who’d had really bad health, became even sicker. “J” had to go to him. “J” had a very long history of abandonment, resentment, etc. with his father, so this was not easy for him. Having a 21 year old son himself, he really wanted to set the right example. Anyway, he fled to his dad’s state to be by his side, and he passed away 1 week later. He really wanted me to go with him to the funeral, and to be with him for support. I did. That’s what you do. Needless to say, there were a lot of feelings coming up that he didn’t expect. A lot of anger, a lot of sadness, etc. We got back home, it was Christmas – another stressful time in its own. I noticed him getting a little more distant in this time, and I completely understand that considering what he’s going through. 2 days ago I volunteered to not come over to his place, to give him space, and he told me that we needed to “talk”. He didn’t feel that his love for me was as strong for me as my love for him. OMG. I’m devastated. I know this probably has a LOT to do with him grieving and not being able to handle any other emotion at the moment. When I asked him when he’d started feeling ‘not as ‘in love’ as me’, he gave me a very specific time of 4-5 weeks, as opposed to a wishy washy response. This is basically the time he started dealing with his dad. He said he’s very sorry, he wish it could have worked out, but he feels that my feelings for him (just in the last few weeks) were much stronger than those he felt. need some hugs. I need some advice. I need some help.

    • sarah says:

      Just take care of yourself. Be strong. Get on with living. Hope that he gets better but continue taking care of yourself. All you can control is your self. Good luck. Lots of hugs.

      • Jeannette says:

        Thanks. I need all the help and support I can get right now. I do hope he comes around. Is there anything I can say to him at all? (If he does for some miraculous reason come in contact?

        • Shanté says:

          He’s trying to push u away because he doesn’t want to feel an emotional attachment. Maybe it’s because he us afraid of losing you so it’s best if he gets rid of you. I personally don’t feel he means it. I say give him a little space but check on him here and there. I hope it works out.

  137. Alex says:

    Hello, I’m really desperate here. Any help would be priceless. I’m 23. I met my 23 Finnish girlfriend in a uni exchange. She had a 4-year-relationship with a guy but we kissed and started dating. Basically she cheated on him. She returned home for Christmas and I was sure they’d break up but apparently they didnt. She told me she wanted to take it easy cause her ex was suicidal. I was quite inexperienced and anxious and 5 weeks after starting sleeping with her one night she returned to Finland I couldnt take it and I tried to sleep with another girl. I told her everything, that I was sure that situation would ruin me eventually since I loved her and that was the best ending for the thing, but she told me that if I wanted to be with her she would accelerate the process and we would be together. After 8 months she returned home finally, maintaining a long distance relationship , but after meeting a couple times she was diagnosed with depression and the cheating thing began to conquer our conversations and dynamics. she was feeling guilty about her part regarding her exboyfriend (she hadn’t told him anything) and uneasy regarding me. Besides. Stress and distance made me untrusting at the same time regarding her exboyfriend and I didnt see properly how bad her illness was. mistreating her like a healthy person. Finally two weeks ago she dumped me in 10 messages, telling me she has never loved me and I have ruined her life. Sincerely, now. I wake up in the middle of the night and i panick and it feels like dying. I love her so much and I feel so guilty I can’t be with myself. Some piece of advice would be incredibly well received. Thank you very much in advance

    • MHD says:

      This is a mess. Your relationship started with lies, distance, and using other people. Learn to not handle rejection by using another person first. It’s insecure. It’s mean to the girl you used. It also destroys your character. On top of this now you have depression to deal with. You’re young. Run. Start over. This is drama and doomed. Be on your own and be okay with it. Any relationship started on this foundation and then add the depression to it is doomed. Some of us have had children and decades of happy years with our depressed partners and the depression still won. That’s my advice. Simply, grow up , get some help with how you handle fear and rejection and move on. When you love yourself and honor that first and live your life the best you can then you’ll find a woman worth the chance. Make her earn it rather than just giving your heart to a woman you haven’t built a foundation of love and respect with. And then you won’t be on a board such as this at the age of 23. Go find yourself. She’s trouble. Not what you wanted to hear but it’s my take from experience.

  138. Elizabeth says:

    My husband and I have been married for 13 years. He has always been depressed and has been on medication. Life has never been enjoyable for him. We recently relocated and he started acting very different…enough for me to count his pills to make sure he was still on his medication. One night we were watching television and the next day he came home and said he wanted to go live in a box. He came home the same day crying and said he couldn’t leave and I accepted it and made him feel better so he would not have to deal with the shame. The next day he moved out….I am trying to be civil but I don’t think I could ever take him back.

  139. Hoping aka Carl says:

    Hey, Just wanted to give an update on my situation. My now exgf of 6years has been suffering since about March/April well thats when i noticed the symptoms. Broke up with end of May via text and has avoided me and emotionally withdrawn. I did all i could to try and get her to see something was wrong this wasn’t her this cold and uncaring person who frankly didn’t give a crap about me or my feelings. 1st month blame it was all my fault i lost nearly 2stone nothing made sense. 2nd month she told me it wasn’t anything i did she didn’t feel happy thought it was a phase and would pass it didn’t. I would text email she would ignore everything. So i cut contact for the 3rd and 4th month as advised here i took a step back. I sent her a bd card in Oct she thanked me for it. A few weeks later she seem panicked worrying about my nephews bd he was 3 would i give him her best. She hasn’t once asked how i am yet shes worried about my nephew who shes left be-hide with the rest of my family who adored her. 21st of Oct i send her flowers its her mother anniversary 6 years shes been gone. Also sent a letter stating how i know how her mothers death has effected her and i was always her for her, flowers showing my respect letter showing i cared. That night i got a very flat response (thanks 4 flowers sorry) then found myself blocked on FB and Twitter.

    I have recently learned she is drinking alot. She didn’t like to drink as her mother was an alcoholic the reason she died. And also shes dabbling in drugs and wait for it…and is seeing someone else. So im at the end i did all i could i was waiting to see if there was gonna be a change but obviously her depression is worse than i thought. She could have told me she was seeing someone take some accountability for the damage shes done to me. I get a better emotional response off a cold wind. I know 5 months is early days shes filling that gap and still cant look inside for her pain. But all at the cost of destroying me. Shes showed me no love or respect its not time to show that to myself. Ill leave her alone now but will always have love in my heart for her. And i know this isn’t her and she wont see the damage shes done until shes out the dark. This fake projection of how happy she is now i cant stand i know it wont last. Yet im left helpless the same way i started.

  140. Hears hoping says:

    Hey all. Here I am sat reading all of your comments and thinking wow I am going through the exact same thing.

    Last year my ex moved out of out house said she didn’t like where we lived and wanted to be closer to friends. I was upset at first as I had changed my whole house and spent a fortune to welcome her in my home to make her feel that it was also hers. This caused arguments, but she also has issues if me cheating etc (by the way I haven’t nor would I) so she left and went into counselling as she had issues with driving her car etcand felt she wanted to kill herself. She is taking tablets for the depression it says she feels she needs her dose upping.

    I offered my support and told her I will be there for her. She told me that she needed space which I have her, and the. Out of the blue she said she wanted us no more. I fought for her to change her mind and she did. I took her away on little trips had good times to keep her positive, took her to her favorite restaurant and she was so loving towards me kissing, cuddling etc. Then suddenly last week out of the blue again she said were done, she doesn’t want to see me no more and feels that she is pressured. Before all this I used to say to her I would hate if she left me and she used to get upset by saying don’t be silly I will never leave you.

    I’m totally heart broken and have no idea what to do.

    All I keep reading is that the depression is making her do this… Now she won’t reply to my texts nothing… I am so confused. I love her to bits and would never ever cheat in her I adore her more than anything.

    She is in real bad debt problems, for which I have been paying off for her to get her out the shit. Everyone I speak to keeps telling me that she needs to appreciate what I’m doing. What I can’t understand is why everyone else can see it but she can’t?

    Any help or answers would be magic

    • Denise says:

      It’s a cruel disease our loved ones have as it destroys so many lives. It’s 11 mths now since my husband left and despite telling me in Aug to hang on, our relationship has hope we are now only talking via txts when we have to. He refuses to talk to me and tho I know it’s his illness it makes me angry he is off doing what he wants while we struggle as his family. I’m trying hard to move forward and a little of me is back with the help of anti depressants. They unfortunately have no concept of the pain they are causing because they are in so much pain they can’t think beyond themselves and until the medication and or they get help they will continue to behave like this till it becomes the norm for them as it is with my husband. He contacted his daughter last night after 2 mths of silence, asked how she was and his granddaughter then his txt was all about him, this shows me he is no better when he can’t carry a proper convo with his daughter also shows me I can’t sit around and wait for him cause it’s not going to happen. You may have to make this decision for yourself as well and she can’t appreciate what u are doing for her as she has no feelings in anything. I have paid all my husbands bills for 10 mths now have had no thanks just expectations I’m slowly handing them on to him but no appreciation for what I have done. Have u sought help for yourself? Going to my Dr has been the best thing Iv done he put it all into perspective for me and I didn’t want to go down the same path as my husband.

      • Here's hoping says:

        Hi Denise.

        It all makes no sense to me and I read so many people going through the same thing it puts hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she will see through the other side and realise I am there for her and her best friend. I am paying her debts off and the same way as you getting no recognition of the help and support I am offering. I’m just getting shut out and told to leave alone. I have debt collectors coming to the house I own to pay off her debt which I do with my own hard earned cash. She has stolen money from me, which I didn’t go mad about. But she doesn’t tell me what it is for. I am really at my wits end. I don’t want to let go as I love her so much and don’t want to fail her as a partner or as a friend. It destroys me even thinking of her being with someone else or even me for that matter. I don’t think the pills do any good. I’ve read about them and they just cause a numbness to the brain I feel. The loss of dopamine in the brain because of the pills is truly destructive. She used to be so loving. Now she is someone I don’t recognise and I feel sad to see her like this.

        I’m just hoping. I’ve suggested we both go to counselling but she just snaps at me. There is no reasoning. I couldn’t imagine ever treating anybody like this it’s soul destroying.

        • Carl (hoping) says:

          Alright mate, i see your story and brakes my heart this is happening more and more. I can relate my gf left out the blue wouldn’t talk to me ignored my texts has been someone i dont know uncaring selfish. I know shes in pain yet she wont admit to it. She contacted me 3 weeks ago worrying about my nephews BD seem to worry because i didn’t response right away. I sent her flowers on the 22nd oct for her mothers anniversary with an lovely understand letter a dawning and a poem. Things a healthy person would really like. I got (thanks 4 flowers sorry x) I did two months confused as hell, then two months no contact till i heard from her as said above. Now i find im blocked on FB and twitter again. its the hardest thing to deal with when they wont reason or be rational i dont want to give up but it is soul destroying.

          Denise im sorry its still dragging on its torture and so unfair on us all here.

          • Here's hoping says:

            Hey Carl

            It’s horrible. I have offered her help, support you name it I’ve tried. Now all I get is leave me alone, or I don’t want up be with you..

            I don’t think she realises what she’s leaving behind. I have a Labrador who she loved to pieces. The other day her words were I don’t care about the dog no more. No way would she say that and yet she still can’t see she is sick??

            I really don’t want to lose her with this illness. I would trade anything to get her back healthy and thinking straight. I just don’t know what yo do when she’s shutting me out and saying hurtful things. I know she doesn’t mean them but she’s adamant she does mean them. It leaves me confused. She’s stubborn and won’t listen to what I say to try and reason with her. I love and miss her so much. Just wish she believed me

          • Carl says:

            Get your self over to the fallout site you will get the help and support you need to help you cope during this very hard time.

            I to tried it all you just cant reason with them, you cant control them or the illness you have to respect the time she needs to see it for herself, its the hardest thing ive endured and will be for you.

  141. Blinded says:

    Like everyone I am left with unanswered questions. My bf of over 12 years was secretly packing up everything in the house that was his. Three weeks ago he told he he needed to talk to me about “us.” He was moving out of town! He needed to get away from everything causing him stress. Me? He wanted to find a job, he wants to feel like a man. This was a wed. And Friday he said he’d be back… we could talk… he returned to finish off everything. He refuses most communication. A week later I called and he said he’s done! I’m devastated.
    Our lives were picture perfect. They began to unravel when my mother became sick. Her two year illness took a toll on both of us. My bf’s parents were no longer living. My family was like his family. After losing my mother in ’07 my life was filled with sadness and stress. My father moved in with me. At this point my bf had his own place.
    We struggled to have time for each other but we still had a good relationship. As the economy headed downhill so did my bf’s work. He worked closely with his family. They struggled to keep their doors open when out of the blue his boss took his own life. My bf was thrown into an instant situation of caring for all the other family members along with dealing with the trauma he just faced. Finding his boss would have long term effects one that triggered depression throughout the family. After caring for the aging depressed parent of his family member it all has taken a toll.
    During time of the suicide I was losing my father to cancer. What a devastating time. My bf surrounded me with friends. He wanted me to establish a best friend I could talk to and turn to. He shared a lot of information with her….more than with me. Our friendship grew stronger as my best friend’s mother was losing her battle to cancer. My bf would spen hours talking on the phone to various family members and not really talking to me. I needed an ear I wanted to be his ear.
    Constant stress and family issues took a toll.
    I told my bf 3 weeks ago we were both broken people trying to stay alive. I never dreamed he’d walk out the door. I never thought I’d hear him say he’s done. He shut me out. He hasn’t worked since discovering the suicide that was almost 3 years ago. His days were filled with busy stuff and his nights were filled with alcohol.
    He spent the month up to leaving tidying everything around the house….pressure washing this and that, repairing different items…why? To relieve him of the guilt.
    I can barely manage my days. Why am I left with all the questions? Before he left he said I’m not happy with myself….I can’t be happy with anyone. Now it’s that he’s done. Why does he want to confuse me?
    I’ve been reading through this site and reading many comments and posts.
    I pray I’m not expecting a miracle….but I mss him so much. He never gave us a chance to try and find answers for us.
    Am I too hopeful?

    • Hoping says:

      Blinded, Hope is so hard to kill. Im sorry your in the same place as most of us the other side of the coin of depression. Its a struggle daily. Im now 5months into this only pit and i still have no answers. My gf also said she wasnt happy she thought it was a phase that would pass that she didn’t love herself. She let it strew didn’t talk to me about how she was feeling..then just dropped me out the blue, shock to me and everyone who knows us. In this state we wont get any answers any closure its a lonely thing fallout.

      I see couples all around me braking up and getting back together coz thats what healthy people do they talk work things out. She haven’t been fair or reasonable with me shes not rational cant see my side. If she had none the doctors they do say not to make any life changing decisions for 6months. Its odd she pushed away the one person that will make her feel better even alittle, but id also make her see the doctor hence why im none. Now im waiting, she asked my auntie how i was on Monday yet shes not asked me that in 5months to hard for her. Im gonna stick it out despite my friends telling me to move on, isnt that easy they dont understand shes ill. And i carry our love just takes time.

  142. Hoping says:

    So i sent my ex flowers for her mothers anniversary, she died six years ago i think this is the main reason for her depression, i know how deeply its effected her. So Ive been on edge all day waiting for a good/bad reaction? 10pm i get a” msg thanx for the flowers sorry x” as confused as ever. But i had to do something nice its who i am, i wrote her a letter to explain why ive not been in contact to give her the space she wanted, and that nothing has changed for me feelings and so on and that im here for her.

    Thats the thing with fallout we get dropped and left with the feelings we have always felt and hit with a wall of apathy its heart breaking.

  143. homesick says:

    I’ve been having a tough week. I haven’t communicated with my husband in over a month. I’ve been trying to remain hopeful about our situation however I find myself lately becoming incredibly angry. not just with him but with mutual friends. every time they plan an outing he is always included and I have not once received an invitation. when I see that he is out and about I question whether or not my assumptions about him being depressed are correct. his behavior towards me is exactly what we are all describing on this site. I just don’t understand how no one else can see what I see. especially since one of the friends he spends a great deal of time with is a counselor. I feel as though I am in a room filled with people we know screaming at the top of my lungs this is depression!!! and no one is paying any attention. I’m still seeing my counselor for the situation. she is trying to get me to see how destructive his behavior is to me. and that I deserve better then this kind of treatment. its so hard when you believe that they are sick and you want to help and support them but the illness itself prevents you from doing that. if this was cancer I would not turn my back on him. its so hard to watch all of your hopes and dreams as newlyweds completely fall apart and disappear : (

    • Dazed & confused says:

      Homesick- I can honestly say that I know exactly what you are going through. And it’s hurtful, and frustrating when you are the only one he is rejecting…and nobody else sees it, because he doesnt let them see it. My situation is the same as you are describing. However, I’ve come to learn that what they are projecting is textbook depressive behavior. Not that it makes it any less hurtful, I know. After ten months of the same turmoil, my husband is just now starting to come around….somewhat. I think the turning point for him was me moving out of town. I think (hope?) we are going to work on “us”….. But we have a long row to hoe…. he is still not the man I’ve known & loved for 14 yrs. All I can say is that there is hope, it takes time…and take care of yourself, so that when the dark cloud does lift, you will be healthy enough & strong enough to work on rebuilding your relationship. Don’t give up.

      • hoping says:

        Dazed, I to know exactly what you are going through i to feel like im the only one shes rejecting, and yeah no one see it, And it is text book but she doesn’t feel she feels is real to her normal and i cant get past her apathy towards me. I haven’t done a dam thing wrong yet i cant get her to fight with me instead of against me. I have hope because i know her and she don’t know herself right now.

        Denise, when depressed they fake it till they make it hes not happy its fake but it keeps him going. Denial is a problem.

        Denial equals rejection, which leads to negative response. Denial equals disagreement, which leads to conflict. Denial equals denunciation, which leads to condemnation, criticism, accusing, reproof, and scolding. Denial equals to defiance, which leads to rebelliousness. Denial equals refusal, which promotes negative response.

        If you continue with the counterpart definitions of denial, soon you will see where many depressive symptoms creep into the mind.

    • Denise says:

      Homesick, It is depression he has you describe it textbook. He can mix with other people because he doesn’t feel the pressure that he feels with his family, the guilt for having failed and the anger that he has, they are very good at hiding it from people. I thought my husband had improved a little after seeing him in Aug but after a txt last week where he still blames every one else for his woes showed me that he is still in the same headspace he was 10 mths ago. I have decided to let him go, I am now myself on anti depressants something I never dreamed I would ever need, but they have cleared my head and helped me think straight. I also see it as you and think if he had cancer I would be supporting him, I will still support him, but not at the expense of mine or my families health, my daughter is having to see someone as she doesn’t think her Dad can love her as he doesn’t contact her either and she’s 26 with a family of her own. I went to Adelaide last week and saw his Mum as he has not told her a lot, she asked if he was depressed and he told her no, still denying it. I told her he was happy doing what hes doing and she told me he’s not it’s an act, she can see it in his face. It is hard and a daily struggle for us left behind, time is a healer and you will get to a point where you will need to make a decision what you want to do, tho don’t try to push it take your time, if your having constant stream of thoughts going on in your head as I was maybe its time to speak to your Dr you might just need a little help to control the constant chatter in your head and clear it so you can think straight. Keep up the communication let us know how you are doing, take care

    • Hoping says:

      When you’re depressed, you feel this complete and utter inability to be yourself, and it makes it ten times harder when you’re around loved ones; i.e., people who know the real “you.” Being with friends can sometimes be easier for them. They get to put on a show. They get to pretend that they aren’t depressed for a short amount of time. It can really hurt you to see this.

      My exgf can put on the same show..makes me feel crazy but i know the truth. Its easy for her to be with friends go out and have fun, they ask if shes okay she will say shes fine. They wont push any more, as they dont want to get involved. Ive tried to talk to afew of her friends BUT she acts so well, they think its something im making up to explain our out the blue break up. Even some of my own friends think its all in my head. Its hard.

      Depression has dampened everything down, placing the depressive in a near-soundproof room. They may be able to hear you, but their lack of reaction isn’t because they’re being spiteful and ignoring you; it’s due to depression smothering them with apathy.

      • Denise says:

        My husband has gone one step further and has completely cut himself off from his friends and has made a whole new set with people he doesn’t know from a bar of soap also who don’t know the real him only the shell and what he wants them to see, he thinks it’s what he wants because he feels no pressure with them and can say and do what he wants when he wants , but Iv been told by his mum he is not happy, his mum is the only person he still sees. I understand this is the depression but I have bad days where I really have to remind myself he’s depressed and so where deep down he does love his family but just doesn’t know how to at the moment

        • homesick says:

          Thank you for the responses to my post And the insight you offered. It’s helpful to hear other people’s thoughts. At the beginning when all of this started We went out with friends. When we got home I called him out on his behavior that night. I told him it was the grossest display of fake bullshit I had ever seen. he responded with I was having fun. I did not suspect depression at this time. last time we got together I told him that I believe he was depressed. I gave him the rundown of symptoms that he was displaying re down to the fact that he was saying exactly what the people describing their depression in the countless post that I have read were saying. I even got him to read one of the post that I felt best fit our situation. he told me he didn’t feel depressed. I asked him what he thought depressed people look like.mopy his feeling was that they ask such a broad questions to diagnose depression that anyone will be diagnosed depressed. one of the symptoms I pointed out to him was that for about a month before this all happened and from what he is saying he would wake up very early in the morning even on weekends. I made the mistake of pointing that out to him. he texted me last night I was asleep so I texted him back this morning he got back to me around 1-1:30 starting the text with how he had slept in that’s why he was responding so late. my counselor keeps asking if we are talking. after dealing with him and seeing the way he’s behaving up close and personal and reading the post above I just don’t know what talking is going to do at this moment. I wish I had an actual diagnosis to go off of. but I don’t and probably never will.
          know probably never will.


      • hoping says:

        So surprisingly i hear from my ex yesterday ,first time she has contacted me first in 4months..asking about my nephews bd and would i wish him a happy birthday from her, then mins later a second msg saying she couldn’t find me on fb to msg me. Well for at least two hours i was analyzing the fact she had even msg me. In shock, then one of our mutual friends msg me out the blue aint heard off her in months as i felt she picked her side and i wasn’t mine. To see how i was? random? No my ex got her to msg me to see if i would reply to her coz i haven’t replied to my exs msg yet. I cut contact over two months ago as me trying to help wasn’t, she didnt want to hear about depression..but i hear she misses us me and the family hopefully the apathy is fading but i dont want to get my hopes up…Slow steps from her and i dont want to put the pressure on her. Tho two weeks early she thanked me for a bd card i sent her even wrote (I still love you on it) little bits and little hope.

        • dazed & confused says:

          hoping- I hear the frustration and confusion in your post. Sounds like she is making some progress? Even though her behaviour seems erratic to you, and it is, it’s progress for her…. she is perhaps trying to see if you are still there for her. My husband did the same thing…back & forth, for months. I felt like a worm @ the end of the fishing line…cast me out, reel me in, and so on. It is not easy for depressed people to “feel” anything, so in my humble opinion, she is making progress. It may seem like a small thing to you & I, but to her, it’s HUGE. I know it’s difficult to not get your hopes up, but if your goal is to save your relationship, you have to remain (cautiously) optimistic. And the fact that she wrote that she still loves you on a birthday card, that alone speaks volumes. She still does love you, she just can’t feel it. It can be a long, slow process. Try not to analyze too much, take it as it comes, know when to back off and when to show support. There is hope. Stay strong.

          • hoping says:

            dazed & confused, sorry im the one who sent her bd card to her with i love you still on.
            But the acknowledgment is a first.
            I also am abit weary this could be the start of the push and pull dance? But ive got a cooler head on me now, think before i act.

        • Denise says:

          Hoping, so pleased to read your post, like you said, baby steps it may be two steps forward then one step back but it does sound promising, good luck nice to hear some positive news

          • hoping says:

            I dont think we can lose our loved ones to depression, we just lose ourself in our reactions. The love is there they just cant feel it coz there so sad.
            It is positive she even msg my mother to she aint done that in months they where close. She hurt her to turning on all of us.
            I just want her to be reasonable “without saying something feels off” “something has changed i dont know what” so ill blame you and leave you. Small steps.

  144. Stephanie says:

    I am currently going through this incredibly difficult situation. My husband of almost ten years is all over the place. I admit some fault with the past difficulties in our relationship. No one is perfect, we argued, said mean things out of fear, and put a band aid on it. This time is different. I have decided not to fight any longer. It takes to much out of me. I want to repair our relationship and be a friend to him.
    In my eyes he has been battling depression our whole relationship. He sleeps all day, irritable, body aches, and will not get help. His depression stems from his childhood. His mother abandoned him and was never there for him. Ironic that now he is doing that to his family. We have a 15 month old child who he just won’t help with. Within the last few months I was asking him for help with her and his response was to not do anything at all. I believe that is what tipped him over the edge. He now says he is leaving and does not care if he ever sleeps in our bed again. I understand he might have said this just to try and get a reaction out of me. Yes, it hurt quite a bit. Instead of verbally responding, I wrote a short note saying that what he said confused me and let it go. I was confused because a few days before he told me divorce was not an option and he loved me.
    My question is how do are you supposed to accept that your partner is leaving? He has no time frame, no separation rules (i.e dating other people, how to co-parent our child, etc.) We certainly cannot afford two households. I suggested moving our daughters bed into our room and allowing him his own space in her room. His response was “ten feet is not far enough away.” I do not think I can bounce back from his leaving.
    I am trying to be as supportive as I can. But we have a young child and he is leaving me with all the parental responsibility so he can “see what it is like to live on his own.” Yet he still wants me to be intimate with him. How can I give myself to someone who treats me this way? I do not want to lose him, but I cannot be treated this way. Our daughter cannot be treated this way.

    • susan says:

      This was exactly me five years ago. I had a 15 month old and a 3 year old. I felt helpless, hopeless, and all the advice I could find was ”this is his journey youhave to let him do it”.
      Five years on and can look back with some clarity and perspective and would offer this:
      – yes it’s his journey but the reality is that he is NOT thinking straight.
      – that means he simply isn’t ABLE to be a husband to your nor a father to your child
      – the more capable you appear as spouse/parent, the more incapable he feels – a vicious circle

      My FDH finally said he was leaving, that love ”wasn’t enough” and this life with wife and children ”wasn’t what he wanted”. It took 6 months of living in the same house, separated before I, yes me, finally had enough and moved out. It nearly crippled me financially and emotionally, but in fact, it was when I took that control back that he hit rock bottom – and slowly started to get well.

      Of course in an ideal world the depressed person will use their wife or husband as their main support person, but in reality that isn’t how it is.

      My suggestions:
      – look after YOU. If this situation is toxic for you and your child you have to get out. you just have to. I kept a suitcase of clothes in the car and would often just turn up at my parents house and stay the night. We never talked about it, but they knew something was wrong, and just were simply there, for me.
      – do everything you can to get him medical help – but if he won’t go, there’s literally nothing you can do – ultimatums don’t work at the best of times, and certainly not with someone in an irrational state of mind.
      – again…look after YOU. live each day, one day at a time. Be in the moment with your baby – she has no idea what is happening and needs to simply feel loved and cared for.
      Good luck

    • Elizabeth says:


      Please let me know how things are going. I know I must be twice your age but I think I could help you with your situation. I have the same thing going on just with an older husband. My husband slept in a closet for 6 months to get away from the household and I am not a terror to live with…he just wanted to sleep and retreat,

  145. Jen says:

    I am definitely in this stage of communicating with my husband who left in August and feeling like I should stop. He encouraged the contact and has initiated some himself. In the past week or so he has become more cold and distant. He started counseling which is good. I feel like I should not reach out to him but I am finding that SO difficult. I have no family and am living alone in our home which is very painful. I have good friends and am trying to take care of myself but I do miss him very much and am hurt that he seems like he is moving on and/or ready to do so this quickly.

    • denise says:

      Jen, my husband also blows hot and cold. he gives me hope when he contacts me then a couple of weeks later he is back to being angry distant and blaming everyone else for where he is. YOU do have some hope as your husband is now starting to get help and I hope for your sake and relationship the cloud will start to lift and things will start to look good again. I wish you all the best, just hold on, it sounds positive. denise

      • Jen says:

        Thank you Denise. I have has a rough weekend. Your encouragement is very helpful and much appreciated.

        • denise says:

          its a day by day thing Jen, don’t prempt or make assumptions, I did that and it did my head in.

          • Dazed & confused says:

            Jen, I’m sorry to hear you share a story that is sadly, all too familiar with all of us here. Denise is giving you great insight. Your husband starting counseling is a positive. One day @ a time… Take care of you.

  146. Hoping. says:

    Has anyone had any experience with Adjustment Disorder (situational depression) My now ex gf pulled away out the blue 4months ago, I now understand why…i believe it lasts no longer than 6months is it normal for then to pull away and later return? Will i still be in her heart when her minds clear again?


    • Denise says:

      Hopeful, my husband suffers from adjustment disorder and in my situation he has not gotten any better, he refuses help and doing it on his own but it’s just not working. If your partener gets medical help then from what I know about it yes there is hope for you but the longer she goes with out help the harder it will be. My husband had a bad back injury and it’s made him feel useless and no good for us and has left the family home despite our love for him to”sort himself out” it’s been 9 mths now and he seems to be going round in circles. All I can say is let her know you support her dont pressure her but work gently at getting her to get help. Her gp is the best place to start even if she won’t go you can go and get advice on what you can do. He will put you in the right direction and get as much information as you can find on it will be helpful to you. I hope you have success denise

      • Hoping says:

        Thanks Denise, Ive tried to get her to go the gp but shes so defensive about it and angry, As it says in this post ive had to back off as trying to help wasnt helping. Its horrible as shes become so cold towards me, She knows i love her but it just docent matter to her at this time. She knows im here ive told her ill support her, shes carrying on her normal everyday life going the gym trying to make herself feel better, she told me at the start she felt she didnt love herself, But in denial of any depression.

        • Denise says:

          Iv had to back off from my husband also, he knows I’m here, and Iv had to come to terms with the fact until he gets help he will not get better. It’s not you she doesn’t love it’s herself and has lost all emotion. We have two children and a grandchild who he adored but he is not in contact with them either. You do need to make sure you are ok Iv started seeing a councillor and she has put a lot of it into perspective for me, it may help you to see someone as it would be quite easy with all the confusion and unanswered questions assumptions we make to also slide into depression. Unfortunately you can’t help her till she wants to help herself but your doing the right thing by letting her know you are there for her and giving her space. If you need to know anything from my experience with it ask away il give you any support I can Denise

          • Hoping says:

            Thanks again. I’m doing the best I can with myself just a broken heart, and how I’ve become so unimportant like I’ve never matted , nothing but indifference and apathy . She won’t get help she doesn’t think she’s depressed oh it’s hard. Situational depressed shouldn’t last longer than 6 months unless the stressor is on going . I’ve had no contact for 2 out if the last 4 months but they don’t reach out if we don’t. How can you fight what they feel is there reality

    • EC says:

      Denise and Hoping your stories are ones I can strongly relate too

      I am two months into my partners depression and within that time frame there has been hardly any contact. It’s been hell. We have met through his psychiatrist and I have been allowed to text him but in the last 3 weeks I’ve heard nothing. And in that 3 weeks I’ve been in hospital, lost my job, a relative, it’s been Xmas and newyear. But nothing, he was so attentive and loving before, and it hurts so much that’ve gone from being his everything to his nothing. It’s like never meant a thing to him. This is so painful! Everyone tells me he will wake up and love me again but I’m just not sure.

      • Carl says:

        EC, Im Carl, aka hoping…. i know all to well how you feel i lost my battle with my depressed ex as you can see, she would rather run from her problem than deal with it. Its so hard to to keep contact going they just dont reach out, and it still baffles me to this day how they can just turn off to us?. If you haven’t already join us on the depression fallout site, your not alone and you will get great support there if you need it. x

        • denise says:

          E C and Carl well its been 12 mths now with my husband and after getting another txt from him blaming me for everything in Sept, I decided enough was enough and made a decision to move on. Best thing I ever did once I set my mind to it, I am filing for divorce and I’m very happy with the decisions I have put in place. My mind is finally clear and I’m really happy and in a good place. I cant put my life on hold waiting for him to get the help he needs, it may never happen, he is where he wants to be and building a life, he still blames me, but I have very little contact with him and that’s how I like it. I’m sorry u are going thru this EC but time will help and u will get to a place in ur head where u can make decisions clearly, I was helped by having anti depressants, it stopped my head being clouded and helped me make clear and definet decisions. I was only on them 6 mths and now weaning myself off them. I hope things work out for u both

          • Carl says:

            Denise, Im so sorry it has come to this, but your right you have to look out for yourself…a year is a long time to wait for someone. Untreated hes toxic like my ex she told me she needed to be alone, i give her time and space but she used it to fill the emptiness with another man, and is having his baby. Yeah its hurtful but she cant be truthful with me because she cant with herself, Its true sometimes they just do to much damage. Starting again is scary but i have no choice. Untreated Ds are strangers people we used to know and in denial of there illness its nothing but harmful to us there loving partners they left behind. I hope you find peace, And EC this is the start of a painful road look after yourself to. x

  147. Catherine says:

    Thank goodness for this site. I’ve learned so much, most importantly that I am not the only person who has been abandoned as a result of depression.
    My boyfriend cut me cut out of his life at the end of feb 2013. It was like he’d flicked a switch- and was gone. No reason, explanation, conversation or anything. I was well and truely abandoned. I saw a counsellor for four months, which no doubt saved my sanity. However now that i know more about depression I realise (and through my counsellor) he probably had it for many years. He never slept well, always struggling to fall asleep and when he did he would waken again in the early hours. I can now see other signs too, the emotional detachment creeping in etc. My counsellor is pretty sure he ‘flipped’ and sank into a deep depression when he cut me off. It’s been over six months now and I’ve not heard a thing. Initially I phoned and text him manically. Weeks later I wrote him a letter, effectively telling him it was ok to contact me when he felt able. I felt I was leaving the door open instead of slamming it shut behind him. It’s been hell, as you all know. I only know he’s alive and still working through Facebook. He’s been tagged a few times in other people’s photos over the first six months. A couple of weeks ago he started using Facebook and posting things again. I’m devastated that he can communicate with friends through Facebook but won’t even contact/speak to me. I’m pretty much leaving him to it, to sort things out and hopefully one day he will contact me, even an explanation or an apology would help me. I cannot believe the person I knew would behave like this. He would be disgusted at this behaviour. I simply don’t know what to do except get on with my life as best I can. Meanwhile he seems to be starting to pick up the pieces. “I know” you wrote about some time frames, they’re similar to my experience. Have you any references so I could read more?

    • Carl says:

      Catherine, I know all to well how you feel. My exdgf hasn’t talked to me in months, I love you one day the next she was gone. And i couldn’t reason with her one bit. Now ive got to let her ride it out, I know shes depressed but shes not as aware in fact total denial. It hurts how heartless shes been but its part of the illness. Head to depressionfallout there are loads of us there with the same stories, We give support and understanding to everyone in our boat.

  148. homesick says:

    Okay this is the third time I have tried to post something on here. Every time I end up writing a short novel. So I am going to try to keep it brief. Within the February March time frame I noticed my husband getting upset over little things And blowing them way out of proportion. He would get upset over something little. but then his explanation for what he was upset with had nothing to do with the situation. at the end of April he decided to tell me he was no longer happy with our marriage. proceed to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore and questioned if he ever really did. and that our relationship was built on a shaky foundation at best. We were best friends before we ever started dating.there were so many other hurtful things he said too many to count. this all came out of nowhere for me I was under the assumption we were just as happy as we always had been. all of his blame seemed so silly to me it’s like he’s just grasping at straws for an excuse. at first I thought it was another woman. something he adamantly denies. he says this is not about someone else. I still struggle with whether or not this is the truth. but he did say that he had feelings for not one but two people at work. and that they possess qualities that I will never possess. And I was not what he after a few weeks of his increasing agitation and what can only be described as emotional abuse towards me. we decided to live separately for a while. he still acts as though he cares for my well being here and there. but it is very cold and distant. after he told me about his feelings for other people. I thought it was best that we not have any contact because all he does is push for us to end our marriage and say hurtful things emotionally I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told him I needed time to heal and sort out how I felt about the situation. during this time I have started seeing a counselor. it helps to talk but I don’t think I have made much headway in accepting that he is probably not going to come back. when we first separated I figured it would be for a few weeks. things would come down and we could talk logically. I never suspected depression. I always thought depressed people stayed in bed cried all the time and it was quite obvious that they were depressed. when I found the series of posts I was completely shocked and amazed and how closely everyone else’s situation mirrors my own he was prescribed antidepressants when he was in College due to an abusive relationship he has not been diagnosed in this situation as none of these problems are with him its all with me in his mind. sometimes I struggle with whether or not this is depression or I just married a jerk that hid it really well for 7 years. I suggested counseling. something he will have no part of. I feel as though I’m being immature for not wanting to speak to him. but honestly I don’t know of any good way to go about it. if anyone has any suggestions. I would greatly .appreciate it t..hank you very much

    • Denise says:

      Gosh ur story is almost a carbon copy of mine tho I’m in my eight mth of my husband leaving. He is depressed and ur hubby sounds very much like mine. In the beginning I tried to keep the lines if communication open constantly emailing n texting he wouldn’t answer my phone calls, I got little response back and when I did it was angry replies bout how it wAs all my fault. I started seeing a councillor which helped with my habit of making assumptions bout what my husband was doing, it was driving me crazy. I’ve learnt that the depression has stopped my husband from feeling so he has no inclination to be with another woman tho he has made friends with one who makes him feel good but he is in no fit state to Do anything about it. I now only contact him when I need to or just to ask how he is he is a little better and replies. He has also cut himself off from his adult children so I k ow its not me. I’m getting stronger and I have researched this disease to help me deal with it. I’m angry that he won’t get help but I now have to start moving on its really tough as I’ve been married to this man for 32 yrs but I can’t keep hanging on on the chance he will suddenly get better. You need to just take baby steps not second guess yourself or him and take day by day. I highly recommend councilling for you it has helped me a lot. My husband left his job left me with all our debts left me to pick up the pieces with his children it’s been very hard and hopefully I’ll come out the other side of it a much stronger woman. Remember LOOK AFTER YOURSELF

    • Dazed & confused says:

      I’m sure I won’t be the only one here to say this to you, but you could have been writing my story….sadly, you’ll find all of our stories are very similar to yours. You didn’t marry a jerk any more than I did. Depression is a terrible illness, and the sh!t storm it causes within the family unit can be devastating. It is certainly exhausting. I’m glad you are getting counselling & hope it helps you cope. I too have gone for counselling but after 9 mths, I feel like I just keep repeating my story & my husband wont agree to it either. Unfortunately I’ve come to know that the only thing I can really do is give him the time & space he insists he needs…and I try not to look too far down the road. I hope it helps you to hear from someone who is in the same situation. My husband’s behaviour has been almost identical to that which you describe….and it’s textbook behaviour. Don’t give up, take care of yourself & remember that it was never about you. There is hope.

      • homesick says:

        thank you for your response to my post. I’m sorry you are facing the same demon I suspect I am. I too am incredibly angry at times for what he is doing and has done to our relationship. I have read a lot about depression fallout and everything! on the list is me. I have been on many websites that discuss depression and the triggers. 2 months before my husband and I were married my father passed away. it was very sudden and unexpected. I was very close with my dad and my husband was as well because he grew up without a father. 9 months after we were married. my husband lost his job. the job could be stressful but he loves what he was doing. he spent a few months unemployed. and decided to take a job temporarily until he found something more along the lines of what he was doing before. he did go to college but not for what his job entailed and has found it very difficult to find something else like it. on top of that his job pays nowhere near what the other one dead. after still being at a job he thought would be temporary for a year and a half. and not really seeing a way out at this point I feel this is a huge contributor to our situation. after my father passed away my mother really needed us. in the past he had complained about my job. which was understandable at the time because I work retail and there are seasonable highs and seasonable Lowes. however for the past year I have been working consistently full time very early in the morning and on my feet all day. I came home cooked cleaned took care of the laundry and ran the house day in day out. but now he’s accusing me of having never really done anything around there. I have read many things on depression. when I told him I thought he was depressed he responded with maybe it just is what it is. many of the things that I have read lead me to believe that his job situation is the main root cause. however a lot of Medical web sites say that stress from a bad relationship can cause this. a lot of people on here say that. it’s not really about me however I have trouble not blaming myself for needing him after the loss of my dad and helping with my mom and it may be my job really isn’t good enough and I should have been doing more. through all of this my husband has been the one to make contact I thought it was best to let him come to me talking with me has never been the problem it’s just what he says when I talk to him that’s the problem. he texted me last night after a month of not speaking with the exception of basic finances. I was out with a friend at the time and unable to discuss things with him. I told him I would call him today. I’m so scared to contact him for fear he is just going to end our relationship. that’s what hurts me the most his willingness to just walk away from our marriage. our 3 year wedding anniversary is this month a day that I am sure will not be easy for me. thank you for your response and your support a lot of times I feel like friends and family are there but they really just don’t understand what we are feeling and going through so thank you again. it’s not about me

  149. Dazed & confused says:

    All of these stories are SO much like mine. My husband of 13 years has suffered mild cyclical depression for as long as I’ve known him…untreated of course. In Jan/13, he went on medical LOA from his job diagnosed with clinical depression. In less than 5 months, his “depression due to work related stress” turned into ” I don’t love you & I don’t know that I ever did”. He would take off for days & not tell anybody where he was. Stay out all night. He was hostile then agressive. He showed absolutely no respect for me or my feelings. His behaviour went from erratic to just … well, crazy. The police have found him sleeping in his vehicle on the street in the middle of the night. He would take off for days, one time for a week, off his meds, of course, and not tell anyone where he was going to be. I recently found out his mother was aware of where he was….and no, she did not bother to tell me. I was scared to death that he would be dead somewhere. Everytime he walked out the door, I was afraid that was the last time. He lies, about everything. He had his escape well planned for months….and then finally told me he had rented an apt. for June, but to be honest, he hadn’t really been here for months. This damn depression has just about killed me, and yet, he seems to be having a great time. I am still sad, so very hurt & angry. He has moved on with his new life, and I am still stuck trying to put the pieces of ME back together. Alone. Thanks for letting me vent…

    • I know says:

      I would give him time. Clinical depression on average lasts 8 mths usually starts in the fall mildly and as u have said it becomes obvious in jan and it stays it worst till aug. it sounds as his is severe as he’s lost all emotions. So sad but he will recover the brain will recover usually October time start seeing small pieces of his personality will come back and he still will want space and may only be able to be ur friend. The important thing to remember is he will not fall in love with anyone else because he can’t! He needs to be on his own for a few mths. Tell him u want him to reconciliation and u love him be his friend and give him full space. When a partner believes the love is lost and turns away then when they recover they have nothing to love again. Stay in the background and he will love u a million times more than before. Recovery u see life as more beautiful than ever as hard as it is to believe through the darkest times love can succeed just hang in a few mths, pretend he’s working away dont give in. Good luck he lost control u haven’t.

      • I know says:

        Ps. Recovery takes about 6mths the brain completely shuts down to negative for a bout a year which is sadly what ur in now but in oct recovery will start and about march next year he will be 80% back. But he will be a much stronger better person than before. People think depression just stops it doesn’t its a process that takes months. It’s a breakdown and they have to relearn and rebuild life on own. It’s so beautiful when love survives it its like being drunk and waking up sober. Seeing life as it really is again. He loved u once he will love u again it’s never been about u

        • Dazed & confused says:

          Thank you for your kind words to a stranger. Your feedback has given me a little bit of cautious optimism. I know he still cares about me, but on a very “flat” level. I’ve asked him where I am supposed to fit in , IF I still have a place in his life…he just keeps saying he doesn’t know, he needs time, but I feel as though I’ve given him more than enough time. Part of me wants to tell him to love me or let me go….but I know that is the frustration talking, and I don’t want to lose the little bit of connection we have left. However, how long do I keep feeling like the fool who’s hanging on to something that isn’t there anymore? Ugh…. so frustrating. A year ago, I never would have thought this would be my life…we’ve known each other a long time, been a couple for 15 yrs, he’s turning 51 and I am only a few years behind him….no spring chickens. Sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with this if 20 yrs younger. I’ve never been alone before in my entire life….and scared to death, yet, he is getting along just fine. I try to not “bother” him, because he gets angry if he’s having one of “those” days…then I get angry & it goes on…. but I still have to rely on him for so many things, yet he lies so much and hides so much from me that I really can’t rely on him at all.
          I tell myself it will get better, but right now, I don’t know it will. Thanks again for your kind words & your insight

          • EC says:

            Dazed and confused I can tell you as a 22 year old who has been with their partner nearly 8 years it is no easier being younger. I have never been alone but here I am, and it has ruined me.

            I am two months into my partners depression and within that time frame there has been hardly any contact. It’s been hell. We have met through his psychiatrist and I have been allowed to text him but in the last 3 weeks I’ve heard nothing. And in that 3 weeks I’ve been in hospital, lost my job, a relative, it’s been Xmas and newyear. But nothing. Although I am seeing him on Tuesday. It’s frightening he was so attentive and loving before, and it hurts so much that’ve gone from being his everything to his nothing. It’s like never meant a thing to him. This is so painful! Everyone tells me he will wake up and love me again but I’m just not sure.

        • Melly says:

          Maybe it’s because I’ve now been doing so much reading on various websites about depression & going through many of the blog postings here, but I would really like to find hope in the timelines you give… Can you tell me where I could find that information? I’m just recently coming out of an 8-year long relationship with someone I’ve known for much longer than that (friends first). He started becoming depressed in the summer, abused prescription drugs, did start to go to therapy but it wasn’t until the holidays hit that he really became erratic and that I realized how bad his depression really was. I tried to help as best I could but ultimately, after he told me how much he felt he had disappointed me, how much it hurt to be around me, and how much he just wanted me to leave because of the hurt he was causing me, I did. I left. I am confused and hurt and I don’t know if it was the right decision but I guess I ultimately hope that if he was in so much pain because of me and couldn’t focus on himself, then hopefully now he will. I would like a relationship with him in the future but clearly don’t know when he will be better or if he’ll be in any position to want to return to our relationship. I tell myself that it’s the Depression clouding his decisions and it’s not him but sometimes I think that maybe there were other things going on and I’m just fooling myself and I should move on. He is going to start anti depressants soon and I really hope they help him but I just need guidance as to the timelines of depression when the depressed seeks therapy, and what happens in situations where the love is there, but both people are trying not to hurt each other. It’s like talking at cross purposes but trying to arrive at the same conclusion…

      • homesick says:

        @I know
        I finally went over to see my husband After a month of not seeing or really speaking to him. he had taken all the pictures of us down and didn’t bother to put his wedding ring back on. he has been putting it back on when I would come over. when I walked in I was met with the same cold person I’ve been dealing with. I asked him if I could have a hug. he hugged me so tightly as if he was trying to pull me inside of him. not the normal telephone pole hug I had been receiving. the rest of the night he was like my husband again. attentive caring affectionate. he had been drinking. something he is doing a lot more frequently then just socially.At this point. he did tell me he missed me and that it was lonely without me there. we got together to other times after this. he was still distant.. but I did get kissed goodnight and a tap on..
        the b***. I am hoping upon hoping after reading your post that this is a sign that the depression is starting to clear. I don’t know what to think you seem pretty sure that it will clear up on its own eventually. but a lot of what I have read leads me to believe that until he gets treatment it will not get better. the time frame you gave seems to match up pretty closely with my situation with him. any additional insight would be great!!!

    • MM says:

      Sorry you are going through this–with all of us. I am sure you have spent many nights up worried while he was out doing what have you–and I am sure the loss of the loving marriage you had is hurting you deeply. It’s lonely. It’s confusing. It’s also very hard to not get angry and bitter. Most of the posts you will find have mirror like experiences of your own with your husband. At least you can find comfort in this as many of us have. You are not alone in this…

      My situation with my ex didn’t go so well, but I can offer empathy. Depression steals your partner and then kills your relationship–but you can fight back and hope for the best.

      From my experience I would encourage you to take care of yourself. It’s easy to become depressed too with this change in your loved one, confusion, etc. I am bitter often but honestly miss my boyfriend so much (even four and a half months after he left) that it hurts me daily. It’s the first thing I think about when my eyes open each morning…another day without him. Sigh. I want to kick the depression in his life in the ass. Seriously. I am so angry with “it”. It ruined something so special…and I have a huge void without him.

      Second, I suggest you take every single action and word he says with a grain of salt. Meaning that often things my ex said to me that I later would address he would say, “Don’t pay attention to what I said. I didnt mean those things. I cant even remember saying them. You are dealing with a crazy person.” Sad but an honest reply …and often those things he said or did would recycle in my head for months as I tried to make sense of something that made no sense. . .


      • Dazed & confused says:

        Thanks for your honesty. Your words are very much how I have been feeling. It is lonely, confusing & I’m so frustrated by it all. I too have often said I want to kick “it” in the ass….whatever “it” is. It’s good to know there is this safe place to discuss this horrible illness, yet, sad to know it is happening in other people’s lives as well. I’m sorry your story didn’t have a happy ending. I had such strong conviction for so long that I could “fix” this…but I am quickly losing faith. I’m just totally exhausted…mentally & physically. So difficult not to take all of it personally, when it is SO personal. Thank you for your encouraging & honest reply.

        • MM says:

          I know that feeling. It’s a loyalty to something and someone you’re not sure even exists anymore. I had moments where I felt so foolish I cried. I’d think why am I supporting him and worrying when he doesn’t care about this destruction he caused? Even if it is the depression, it’s hard to separate and not feel devalued. How long should we wait? Ill leave my ex alone for three weeks at a time And he will say he hasn’t had any space. I feel so sad in those moments because I’ve spent many endless says worried and sad and I’ve felt very alone and a lot if space from him. Sad how depression distorts reality and crushes compassion. My partner at times treats me like an annoying gnat. Eventually heveill shoo me away for good. everyone has a breaking point.

          I was asked out tonight by someone I’ve always had connection with and said yes. The guilt I feel is overwhelming and frustrating. I have waited for four and a half months for some return of my ex. Some light. At some point we must move on or ill be waiting for something that may never come. When and if he decides to value me, I’ll have to evaluate where I am but after this pain, I’m not so sure I’d be ready to jump back on this sinking ship w him. The more time we have apart, the more I let go. Each day that passes wout him I feel less hopeful about him…about us.

        • MM says:

          I know that feeling. It’s a loyalty to something and someone you’re not sure even exists anymore. I had moments where I felt so foolish I cried. I’d think why am I supporting him and worrying when he doesn’t care about this destruction he caused? Even if it is the depression, it’s hard to separate and not feel devalued. How long should we wait? Ill leave my ex alone for three weeks at a time And he will say he hasn’t had any space. I feel so sad in those moments because I’ve spent many endless days worried and sad and I’ve felt very alone and a lot of space from him. Sad how depression distorts reality and crushes compassion. My partner at times treats me like an annoying gnat. Eventually he will shoo me away for good. everyone has a breaking point.

          I was asked out tonight by someone I’ve always had connection with and said yes. The guilt I feel is overwhelming and frustrating. I have waited for four and a half months for some return of my ex. Some light. At some point we must move on or ill be waiting for something that may never come. When and if he decides to value me, I’ll have to evaluate where I am but after this pain, I’m not so sure I’d be ready to jump back on this sinking ship w him. The more time we have apart, the more I let go. Each day that passes wout him I feel less hopeful about him…about us.

        • denise says:

          dazed and confused, i’m in a similar boat as you, my husband left our life in dec 2013 to find him self he is suffering clinical depression but won’t accept it, he says its all me doesn’t know if he loves me. He is now living on the riverland living a carefree life while i and my family fall apart. He rarely answers txts but will contact me if he needs me. I lost my mother jan 2013 and he came back for funeral a very angry man with no life in him, i saw him again in july he was a little better, and one out of the three days he was here it was like old times. He told me he still needed to go but it gave him hope for our future, but i’m so confused its like a roller coaster, i am having councilling and its helped tremendously and i highly reccommend it, she has taught me not to assume, as i was assumming he was doing all sorts of things turning my head upside down with these thoughts then finding out it hadn’t happened. I have good and bad days tho now more good than bad. I love him with a passion and will wait for him to sort himself out but am taking it day by day i find that a lot easier than second guessing the future. You cant fix him but you can make sure your ok so that when he gets better you have the strength to deal with him.

          • denise says:

            p.s. i am 52 and we have been married 31 yrs. in Feb 2012 we renewed our vows then 12 mths later look where we are. He does love you my husband says the same to me as yours is saying to you but i see bits of his love and some of the things he does encorages me. He just doesn’t know it as his emotions are buried deep he is certainly not the man i know and have loved all these yrs, but i’m hanging on, Dont give up unfortunately it’s time they need

  150. Ben says:

    Currently dealing with the loss of my gf. We haven’t been together as long as some of the other posts but I certainly feel that the level of feelings were there. We both met one night after a random encounter where we discovered that we had both lost our Fathers at a young age. A little more discussion revealed that we both loved the same books, movies, music, and hobbies. We quickly became inseparable.

    In the last three months we’ve dealt with becoming pregnant and losing a baby, her having some fines that needed to be paid and I gave her the money because I wanted to help, her having a massive car wreck, and then my kids from a previous relationship came to visit for the summer.

    I’m keenly aware of how that’s a massive amount of things to deal with in such a short span of time in a relationship that hasn’t been around for a very long time. But I also know that I love her with all of my heart and up until the point that she told me that she was depressed and had to leave, she both told and demonstrated that she loved me as well.

    One day recently though, she told me that she felt trapped and that she wasn’t happy and that she needed to take time away to fix her life and that she still wanted me in that life but that she couldn’t be with me anymore. I had asked her to come over and talk and she initially did and we seemed to make a lot of progress, but then as time has gone on she’s told me that she can’t see me anymore and at this point we aren’t talking.

    It’s been extremely difficult to process that the same girl that used to hug me until it hurt and told me that she never wants to lose me and wants us to be together forever is now shutting me out and has admitted that this is the only healthy relationship that she’s ever been in, but that she feels she’s numb inside and that she’s not the right person for me.

    I believe with all my heart that she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t want to lose her. I’m in a very sad place feeling as though the love of my life has given up on us before we even really had a chance to get started. Thus far it’s been five days since the last time we’ve spoken and I emailed her today and tried once to call but haven’t heard anything back.

    I guess the only thing I can really do now is wait to find out if she’s ever going to stop being afraid of having a relationship with me.

    • Carl says:

      Ben, its not as simple and her not wanting to have a relationship with you, I feel your story mine has some of the same aspects, nearly 3 months since my gf left me, and ive come to understand alot of depression…When suffering with D you cant connect with your own feelings never mind connecting with a BF/GF on a emotional level, They cant feel, even feel like they dont love us or the spark has gone.
      And to them how they feel is there reality, its surreal to think someone can change so much but D distorts how they think and feel, and in this state they dont see a future with us…unless shes willing to help herself there is nothing you can do, its horrible i know, you just have to take care of your self in the meantime.

  151. tamara says:

    I’m so tired,sad,miserable and lost.His words are killing me every time.It never gets easier,I’ll never get desensitize .My relationship and marriage of 4 years is dying and I can feel how it’s all disappearing little by little.It hurts.
    He can’t feel anything,doesn’t know anything anymore,doesn’t know what’s real and what’s his depression.
    So many times he questioned our relationship and thought that maybe that’s the reason why he is so unhappy.There’s nothing I can say anymore.
    I gave him his personal time,his room,I don’t ask him to do anything with me anymore.Everything he always tried to explain to me about his needs,I gave it to him.I’m alone all of the time.And it’s still not enough.He still has thoughts of leaving.He hates himself for not wanted to spend more than five minutes per day with me and his solution is to leave. I don’t know how long can I stay mentally healthy and sane.
    Sometimes I wish I could just stop feeling like him.At least i won’t feel sadness.He takes diazepam every single day for the past year or so,to keep him sedated all of the time.I wish I can do that too.It would be nice not to care anymore.

  152. Kelly says:

    This was extremely painful to read but it also brings me hope and understanding. It’s like reading exactly what is happening with me and my partner.. Ex really but I haven’t quite come to terms with it. It’s been 6 weeks since it got really bad. He gets worse and worse by the day, pushing me away completely while saying he still loves me and it’s me that’s pushing not him, in selfish and all I care about is myself and getting back with him. I don’t care and I don’t want to help. About 2 years ago he made an attempt to commit suicide because he thought I was leaving him.. It was the most painful experience of my life. Agonising. He is my absolute everything, my heart and soul and I believe we are meant for eachother and now it’s spiralled out of control again. He’s left and moved out. Asks me to leave him alone, he needs space. I can’t help and everything I say is wrong. I’m such a desperate girl. The more I hold on, the further he goes. He says he’s been crying out for my help but I wasn’t there.. He threatens me daily with taking his life again and I can’t do anything but break apart. One of the things he started doing was latching himself onto a friend of his. I immediately thought he was having an affair but it doesn’t seem that way anymore. I’m just not sure. She has cancer and takes him away from his own pain and problems. He’s pushed me away and this girl who he says means nothing has his attention. I love him so much and i get beaten down while they have no emotional ties and they are stuck at the hip it seems. am i being delusional in hoping hes not seeing her? hes done this before.. the first time he got depressed he HAD to help this other girl who had an eating disporder.. pushed me away and kept her close. he ended up coming back to me in his own time after a lot of pain and struggle and then he took an overdose. I have become his enemy and this is my fault, I’ve put myself in this place. I’ve been clutching at straws and I can see I’ve only made things worse by trying so hard to bring him back to the man he was, with me. He’s always said he just needs to be left alone to sort himself out, to get over this. He’s always loved me and never stopped and right now I’m not helping to get him better. When I read this I felt like it wasn’t just me. I’ve been feeling so alone and empty and like I’ve pushed my boy away from me and it’s all
    My fault and I’m the one to blame. I should be able to keep him happy, to keep him safe and I haven’t. This is my fault. I hate to admit but I had an accident a few days ago and I took a slight overdose because I felt no way out, no escape. He came and found me.. He said all he wanted was to get better so he can come back to me. He can’t be around me cos he can’t see me cry anymore and I just make things worse and this girl is helping him
    To get better and he doesn’t have to worry when he’s with her. He also said I might as well think of him as dead because that’s what he’s gonna do. How can he say that and expect me not to react? To not feel agonising pain?! Last night he went off on a joy ride on his own. I tried to talk him out of it and things went very badly. I said I will just leave him alone but always be here. Every minute of everyday is pure hurt, I can’t work because I’ve made myself so ill. I don’t leave my bed.. I just want him to be okay and be with him. People keep telling me to carry on with my life but I can’t, I need to believe he is still in there somewhere and hope is all I have. It gives me a lot to know that it’s not just me, I haven’t pushed him to this. I will not give up ever and I’m sure that will make life hell but that’s all I can do. I’m worried if I give him space he will forget me.. Silly I know. What do I do? Should I leave him to get on with it? What if he tries to take his life again..? I know he’s been put on Anti depressants and is seeing the doctor but as the tablets make you worse at first.. He’s my giving them a chance to work. I am very willing to stick this out because I believe in him in my heart but I’m not sure of what I need to do.. How to act. What to say. What to believe when he tells me he still loves me or that this girl is nothing, I don’t know. I’m so lost and mixed up. If one more person says move on to me so help them!!! He says I had my chance to help him, he was crying out to me and I ignored it because I’m so selfish. I’m pretty sure she is whispering in his ear at how selfish I am too.. I haven’t been able to get it!! I love him and care for him and just want to make his pain go away.. How can that be selfish!? My family and friends don’t get it and think he’s just trying to get away from me and he’s just a nasty person.. My mum even turned to me and said he’s pretending to be depressed and suicidal to get away from me. He gets so angry and says they are feeding me lies and he will always love me. He’s always had a problem with anger and depression since we met. The year we go together I had lost 3 members of my family and he had lost 4 of his best friends in a car accident. I also suffered a miscarriage at 5 months which hit us both pretty hard but we never spoke about it. We have both been a bit of a mess but have always stuck together.. His parents turned round and said to me he’s always been like this and you should know what he’s like by now. What!? Why didn’t you get him help when he needed it!? He’s always crying out for their attention but they certainly don’t give it. Things have never been easy since we got together and now this.. But I know in there somewhere he loves me and I know he does too but he says there’s nothing left of him anymore and he needs to die. I’ve thought so many times about having to get him sectioned if it gets too far.. What else can I do if he tries to kill himself again? I can’t even bare the thought. I’m at such a loss as to what I need to do. I’m just beyond desperate. Sorry this is so long, it feels good to get it out and to know I’m not the only one going through this.

    • K says:

      I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through Kelly.

      There are two important things you must do; the first is to start looking after your own physical and mental health again and the second is to give your ex a LOT of space.

      By all means tell him that he knows that you are here for him if he needs you, but then back right off – he will not forget you. Send the odd text if you wish, maybe every couple of weeks, just to say you’re thinking of him, but don’t ask him anything or expect a response. I know this will be difficult for you, but if you continue to try and hang on to him, it will just push him further away.

      Have you considered getting counselling for yourself? It’s important for you to be emotionally and physically healthy again so that you will be in a good position to help him if he needs you.

      Also take a look at the Depression Fallout message board forum and consider posting on there. You will get lots of good advice from people with more experience of this than myself.

      Best wishes, K

  153. Diane says:

    I was shocked at how exact this article was to my current situation down to the exact same comments. The most painful part is knowing the depression has won such a victory over our family.

  154. Carl says:

    My gf left about two months ago, after 6 years together totally out the blue, Over a text she didnt even want to see me, till i forced her to so she could explain..She told me she didnt love herself, therefore how can she love me,that i understood, so i give her some time..afew weeks later i got in contact and she hit me with aload of blame i didnt do this or that,and she wasnt happy for some time. This broke me as we where great together..I soon followed with the first phase of depression fallout i blame myself for the relationship’s problems and was totally bewildered & confused. Then about 3 weeks ago she came out and told me it was nothing ive done it was all about her and how she felt within herself, Then things made sense to me for the first time since we split shes depressed again, but hid it this time and still is. I say again because she was diagnosed about 14 months earlya. 5months into seeing eachother her mother died suddenly, and she was left to bring up her 10year old brother,now 16,and her best friend died about 3 years back after giving birth, I kept her sane and going all these years, i dragged her the doctors last year when she was diagnosed as she had thoughts of dying, shes never had any grief concealing no outlet but me to talk to or just to get angry at, i didnt mind ive loved her from the start and would never leave her to deal alone, But this time shes totally cut me off wont respond wont see me, Im losing my mind i know it says dont take this personally, but its so hard not to. It just seems like im the one whos been singled out by her depression, why this time has she chosen to do this without me? If im not the problem why is she treating me like someone who dosent matter.
    Ive learn t alot about depression now trying to understand her, but none of this is easy at all.

    Thanks for listening to me rant.

  155. kathleen says:

    thank you for this information, i finally feel like i am not alone and understand the crazy text rants….some would bring us closer followed by silence, followed by rage ….
    my husband left the day after christmas and knows it’s his depression (hidden since he was 14) but is still looking to blame me for the falling apart.
    he needs to blame someone for the pain – he has hurt me to the core, but i love him and understand its the illness talking.
    we no longer speak in any form and i hope this helps him see those horrible feelings he carries don’t go away just because i’m not there but he must face them.
    i don’t want to give up on him but everyone in my life says to move on. torn apart inside.
    every effort i make to move on feels like cheating (haven’t gone out with anyone else, but attempted to meet people on line, made me vomit- literally)
    i have no idea what he’s doing? he could be with anyone, i wouldn’t know. he wouldn’t answer that question at all.

  156. Paul says:

    Hi all

    My beautifull girlfriend of nearly 3 years left me without any warning 9 days ago. I came home from work to have lunch and see her and all her things were gone , no note just a doorkey left on the table. She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression months ago and has been on medication. She started to goto yoga classes and meditation and I supported her with all this , I thought things were getting better she was even talking about going back to work. I rang and text her with only one reply of ive left you dont try to find me. My world has fallen apart she was the love of my life and i feel like i cant live without her. After trying to contact her a few days later i was issued a restraining order and have to attend court in a couple of weeks. She thinks i want to hurt her and has told her solicitor things i said in jest and twisted them to make me sound like a monster. I know now she is suffering this awfull disease and she believes what she says it breaks my heart that she thinks i want to harm her. My friends and family have been very supportive but nothing will make me happy again all i want is my girl back the house is so empty ive never felt this scared or alone. Reading this website has helped as like many of you have said the storys and accounts on here are so similar to mine its frightening. I just want her back so i can look after her and i pray every day she does.

    • Sophie says:

      Hi Paul,

      I just wanted to say im sorry to hear about your situation.

      I am recently in a similar one myself. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years dropped a bombshell on me a few days ago, that he has never really felt happy in our relationship, and he doesn’t feel loved by me. He said that he thinks we should ends things because he is so worthless and not worth loving.

      The worst part about it is he always seemed so happy and told me he loved me – which makes me feel like the whole relationship has been built on a lie. My boyfriend suffers from extremely low self-esteem and has basically shut himself off from everyone who loves him – and now including me. He is obviously putting up emotional walls because it is easier than him dealing with his issues.

      I told him that i love him, and still want to be with him, and help him through this as much as i can – i am prepared to do anything he needs to feel better – individual counselling, couples counselling, taking a break for him to reassess things.

      He is the love of my life, and i was so excited about our future together – now it all seems to have blown up. I am devastated, hurt and confused. The worst part is he refuses to get help because doesn’t acknowledge he is depressed at the moment, despite being diagnosed in the past and showing many classic signs ie. feelings of worthlessness, feeling incapable of happiness, low self-esteem, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, self hatred and hopelessness, social withdraw, pushing people away, reduced sex drive etc.

      I am very scared also because my whole life has been turned upside down by this decision. I have to move out of the house we share, and quit my jobs which i enjoy. I am praying that he will come to his senses and realize this decision is being clouded by his depression, and he is just reacting to this by pushing me away.

  157. Erin says:

    Three months ago my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me after a year saying that he was proving to himself that he let me down and that he felt worthless loving me. He works two low-income jobs and doesn’t have much time or money. I live about 4 hours away and so he isn’t able to come see me or take me out on dates when I’m in town. The week before he broke up with me he was so depressed and told me that he was ‘wasting my time.’ He refuses to talk to me and the last time I heard from him he hasn’t left his house and hasn’t gone to work. I’m so worried about him because I know he gets depressed but he’s never been in this dark of a place. I hate not talking to him because I hate leaving him alone when (he’s told me this) I’m the most important person to him and the only person he loves. I just hope every day that he will get through this and I can help him get professional help.

  158. Chris says:

    I just read through this and it has helped bring some perspective to what I am going through.

    Im 25 and completely fell head over heels in love with my ex, as did she. Everything was perfect, i built relationships with her family, we discussed the future alot. She told me there was a bigger picture with me and even at xmas she said she had completely fallen for me and couldnt wait to be with me forever.

    Only 2 weeks later she completely detoriated and was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time. She tried to push me away, and I fought back until after a few weeks she finally ended it, saying that she felt mistreated by me. Although I can sort of see where she is coming from, I dont agree with that and 2 months later we know longer talk. I am getting councilling as I genuinely feel i lost the love of my life and I cant understand how i went from being her world to nothing just like that.

    Reading this has helped. I can begin to understand that in her mind events and activities are now different. The depression has changed her views and thoughts, and she blames me for things and doesnt love me anymore. And I feel like if it wasnt for the depression, things would be different, despite what she says.
    Her reactions to what she believes where signs i no longer loved her were extreme, and despite her own mother trying to keep us together and talk it through, she wants nothing to do with me.

    I decided i need to get on with my life, no matter how much I love her. Waiting for her wont bring her back. I told so many times how much I loved her and i would be there for her, but she doesnt want to here it. She wont get therapy, she just takes her medication and gets on with it, not talking about it, and not getting support she needs. Looking back, there were warning signs in her behaviour like her extreme low self esteem and questioning of why i was with her.

    I feel everyday like i just need to let her know again that im still here and that i love her, but i talk myself out of it, because I have to believe when she is ready to talk about it she will. I dont think she will, and i feel like im letting the best thing that ever happen to me
    walk away, but it has to be her that gets better and be ready for it.

    I expect she will get herself another guy soon, she may already have done and it will break my heart. But this one is beyond my control. and thats the hardest thing for me to find.

    • Cass says:

      Hi Chris

      Sorry of course to hear you are going through all this and I know how it feels best as one can. I too thought I found the one and being more than a decade older and single all my life I thought there was no going back when I met him as neither of us had ever felt so connected, in love and had a best friend…but it seemed to be tainted by the past and what I realized all too late was an avalanche of depression waiting for us…him but it soon took me with it. he came back and forth even though he left saying how he loved me but he was just no good and toxic. (anyway long story and under final breakup section. But I wanted to say I think your brave and strong to deal the way you have…its not easy.

      I still desperately want to talk to my ex daily -thought it would fade by now. But I cut it off after 9 months of yo-yoing after he left me when he seemed worse not better. I said no contact because I loved him too much. He gave me nothing just said never wanted to hurt me an loved me and listened to me cry. Then after 4 months of trying to heal he started IMing and it wasn’t great timing for me but I was open and let him know he could talk but seemed he had nothing to say so I shut down and now 2 months later its eating at me that I ignored it all -hell I have no idea how he is not one clue -maybe that is what really kills me. And I have been trying to get the courage to call him.

      I understand not wanting to think of another -everyone wants me to date but I still cant think about it….well I try and then I seem to freak myself out. I have done a lot to progress my own life and its helped. Though getting out to meet new people is hard -mostly as I am just over going out and was before I met him, but I try to develop. I am working on strength to just try online dating and see about a few non committal dates—-I will let you know if I manage and if I come up with any advice. hang in there.

  159. Wesley says:

    Thank you so much for all of this information, it has really been helping me make more sense of what is going on with my partner. My girlfriend and I dated for two years through college, I just recently graduated and moved an hour and a half away for work. For about two or three months I would travel back to her place every weekend to spend it with her until recently when she decided the long distance was too much for her to handle.

    She has had some tragic events happen in her past and she suffers from depression. As long as I am there with her she seems to handle the depression well, but when I would leave during the week she would sink back into the depression. Well about a month ago she decided she was tired of going through this cycle and called it off between us.

    Now she claims that she is still in love with me and that she wants to make this work, but she just has to take care of this herself first. I can understand her wanting to take care of this first, but what I don’t understand is everyonce in a while she will spend the night with a guy friend that way she, as she says, “won’t be alone”. From the conversations that we have had I really truely believe she is not having sex with him, in fact I don’t even think she wants to spend the night with him. She says that she gets so lonely that she just wants a warm body next to her, and she seems to regret doing it everytime it happens.

    I have been trying to convince her to go see a therapist and after her skipping many appointments, I think I may have finally convinced her to go. We got into a big argument last week about her lieing about going spend the night at the guys house and I told her that if she didn’t go see a doctor she did not stand a chance of ever being with me again. The next day she texted me and told me she has an appointment for next week. Her appointment is tomorrow so hopefully she will go.

    This whole ar deal has been really rough on me, I care about this girl very deeply. We were discussing plans to get married and everything. I really feel like she is “the one”. If she would not suffer from depression and had such a rough past this would be much easier on me because I would of just given up on her and looked the other way. But because she suffers from depression I find it really hard to give up on her, I know this is not her taking these actions but instead the result of the depression. My question is, what should I do, what role should I try to play in this situation? I want to be there for her, but this whole ar deal is killing me inside.

    • Cass says:

      I wish I had better advice -Ive tried and failed at getting my ex to seek help….but I can say that you cannot tell them what to do or even say “I think” it really has to be them. That is the hard part as it looks and seems simple to us, but its not. (see my other posts her and on final break-up). I too feel -felt- that he was and is the one…as you can see I’m still coping as I cant seem to get it all behind me, but what I do know is not matter what he is not next to me at night anymore and he is no longer holding me when I need someone -so maybe he loves me and I love him but until he faces it Im alone and have to find a way to survive. I hope you have friends and things you can work on while you decided how much of a role you can play in her life. Keep busy and work on you….depression is sadly contagious so try not to let it get so bad like did that soon you find yourself in a dark place

      hang in there…feel free to reach out. Though I am still coping myself I dont know how much I can help but feeling not alone I know has helped me.

      • MM says:

        Yes, I echo you all. I often get the “You don’t know what a depressed person needs” when I make any comment. And I know better than to suggest “snapping out of it” etc. I mean any comment like maybe you could go see a different doctor and even hand him the name of one I researched for hours for him. Or if I even suggest that he may need some support, a friend–he gets very angry. It’s hard. Just days before this sudden change, I was his confidant . . . and main support. Suddenly I went to his enemy overnight. He’s even huffed when I have said, ” I am not your enemy here” since the sudden break up he made one night out of the blue. I have even said “I care about you even if you don’t care about yourself”…but then he uses third person and tells me “That guy is gone. This is the new guy.” I’ve tried to be brave and tell him after months of very little contact that “this new guy” is not acceptable…that the other guy deserves more. Then again I am to blame. He needs to be alone. I’ve made him upset so upset he has to spend a week to just reflect. And what I do then is worry another week, make a small positive connection with him that turns to shit in a matter of minutes. : ( . . . I know it’s not rational because he and I are looking at this in two very different ways. He thinks and states quite frankly and callously that any help I provide has an agenda that is self focused. He’s even said to me during a ten minute picnic lunch I barely had him attend that I had “trapped him” there…and then when I stood up for myself and told him I didn’t trap him, I just cared–I mean really, trapped him? He’s been a monster to me and this is some joy ride, all that defense in me creeps up. I get angry. And bitter. At him but also the depression. And so sad. We had something so special. And If I try to show him the larger picture of us as another article on this site mentioned well then that is entirely too much—there is the agenda I must have to trap him into not being alone in all this–or whatever this trap is. It’s confusing. Painful. So I will then leave him alone–a week usually or once during the past three months I even did no contact for three weeks. I get so nervous when I do contact not only with concern about how he will respond, but the condition I will find him in. . . but then there are times like at the end of the picnic when he hugged me, tight, close, hard–for the first time since he left us…and himself—and I could feel the pain and closeness. It hurts. I want to help him and help us. And to add to it my father is sick in the hospital. He has cancer. I’ve had nights where I truly needed him and then I get so angry at all of it..and so lonely. He goes from telling me to “move on, give up” to after some breakdown in some conversations admitting he thinks about me a lot, worries about losing me…recently he said most hopefully he was “holding on” to us and getting some new glasses. Ironically this comes now, three months of being rejected, abused verbally, told that I was “ridiculous. It had been xxx amount of weeks, MOVE ON. My feelings are not mutual..etc”….he went from saying one night I was his everything to vanishing and pushing me out hard. . . but the last few times, he seems better. And I am worse. I spent months worrying, letting things like him saying to “move on. Don’t worry about me. I dont want you to” and letting that turn over and over in my head for weeks before reaching out again–and having him tell me “I didn’t mean all of those things. That’s a crazy person talking.” What? Well, I let them roll around for three weeks, how could I not? Now that I think he is starting to unwind and hopefully lift out of this depression…I have given up. Not because I wanted to. Not because I dont love him or believe in us. Not because I dont care if he gets better. But because he so drastically went from my best friend and lover to a person who saw every move I made as one with an intention and a person he abandoned–whether he did it or his depression did it, he was gone. No calls. Not Text. No contact unless I engaged him. However, he did always respond. We went from never fighting to fighting every time I have had contact since the April break up. And the contact has not been frequent. Often it’s because the conversation is so awkward. . .he says he can’t say anything…anything he says will not come out right and if you ask him anything –even as simple as I miss you. . . you can feel him nearly breakdown from some “pressure.” Of course I want to know if he misses me!!! I’ve been feeling so confused and alone. . and then eventually he will say things and I know they are genuine but he acts like he is scared to commit to any thought he is having. It’s painful to watch a man go from being able to lean on me, let me in and trust me to watching him lose himself, change completely over a slow period of time, and then watch him not trust me, push me out, etc. The past two conversations we had he seems to be saying much more positive things. Even called me baby. . . however, I am now in a different spot. The past three months have been hard for me, painful, I have been angry, sad, worried, confused, alone, sad and worried again, angry again. I have said things I didn’t mean. Although he has been better the past two conversations, I have been angry, and upset…and feel foolish. I am not sure what happened but I just flipped a switch and my defensive mechanisms kicked in . . I have felt unimportant. I have felt guilty and like I did the wrong things to try to support him when he was with me “in this”, I feel sad that such a special relationship and years of friendship just zap were gone. I feel horrible that he is so different and feels defeated. I was confused that he wanted me to care, but didn’t. And now I am hurt. Deeply. I dont know if I will ever repair from this. It broke my heart. I do know that sadly as he is starting to perhaps see some light, I am in the dark. I am broken, sad beyond belief and have lost my faith in the way he feels about me. . . and all the while telling myself it’s the depression, not him, still doesnt ease the pain. I am afraid if he does come back, I wont be able to trust again. . . and if he doesnt I also wont be able to trust again. It’s a lose lose. I miss him so much. Giving up on us is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but the past three months have been emotionally exhausting and I am out. And I know, it’s been ten times worst for him—I do know that. Depression destroys true special connections. It makes me feel very lost.

  160. Maria says:

    It is very comforting to read all the stories on this site, as currently I am in a state of abject misery over my ex-partner, who left me two weeks ago very suddenly and out of the blue. As far as I knew, nothing was wrong and our relationship was very healthy (although clearly it wasn’t). He was being attentive and sweet to me right up to the very last. And then I phoned him just for a chat, and he sounded strange so I asked if he was okay. And then it all came pouring out. No, he wasn’t okay, he’d been feeling unhappy with the relationship for a while, and he didn’t think he loved me anymore. He had gone off sex and felt that I was pressuring him into a committed relationship, which scared him. He came round that night and brought all my things back to me. And left after twenty minutes, during which time he could not bring himself to say anything except that he felt the ‘spark’ had gone out of the relationship, that he did want a long-term relationship but not with me, and that he just didn’t feel the right kind of love for me anymore.
    A few days later he sent me an email which said a little more, and that weekend he brought some more of my things back to me. He said he wanted to come in, so I let him in and he started talking about things and suddenly he just burst into tears and put his arms round me and wept on my shoulder for ages. And then started talking, as if he couldn’t stop the words coming. Said he knew he had a problem, that it had happened many times before with his ex-girlfriend, that he was still messed up over the breakup of his marriage six years ago and the loss of his children and that whenever he saw the children it all came flooding back and that he would sink into a massive depression. He actually ended our relationship two days after he’d taken the children home to their mother, and had a bad argument with his wife when he dropped them off. He had spoken of these feelings before, but had said that it had got better since he started seeing me. He also said that he’d been through several periods of counselling to try and sort it out, but they had not helped and that he wasn’t prepared to go for any more counselling because it didn’t make him feel better.
    I had a couple more texts from him, just being friendly, but no contact for a week now. It’s clear to me that he is suffering depression, probably caused by the breakup of his marriage six years ago, but I really don’t know what to do. Is it better for me to stay away and have no contact, to give him his space since that seems to be what he wants on the surface? Or would it be better for me to contact him and let him know that I’m here if he wants to talk, that I’m still here for him? But I’m also worried about myself. I have a small child too and I don’t want to get into an on-off, up-down roller coaster of a relationship because that will hurt both me and my child. I’m hurting so much over this and just don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice would be gratefully received.

    • Cass says:

      Hi Maria

      I understand how you feel…its like we are talking about the same man. I am not sure I can be of help really -but I wanted you to know that someone out here understands and is listening- as I am still battling getting over my ex. He left me a year ago out of the blue and even now I look back and feel like it was the last thing I would expect he was only seemingly battling things for a week -but hell it was the week his ex of 6years was putting him through it in court and loosing all his money and his kids -well I expected him to be depressed and struggle but I assured him I wasnt going anywhere and he said he loved me and we would be ok.

      All I can say is when he contacted me again at first -a few days after and then two weeks- it was horrid I wasnt ready and still beside myself and it went bad as he just needed to hear I was ok and have some guilt off his plate, but I couldn’t do it and I couldnt be understand I just wanted him back. It took a bit again to talk and I pushed him away and finally said we had to meet after a few months of his contact…we cried and talked he had be only sober that night to meet me since he left and I was devastated but knew I could do nothing. I let time pass and he called again as missed me and was confused that everyone said all he did was talk about me and they knew he loved me -but he felt I deserved better. it took time we slowly became friends of sorts but always the love was there and then we tired -I thought things were better since his son at least was back and he was working more but at least paying off more.,,,it didnt last long till I realized he never asked about me and was just depressed -it was even worse that time to break it off and it was my choice. now after 4 months he is back contacting me with puzzle like emails and I am not sure I can deal -that im ready

      So sorry to share so much but I wanted you to know that sometimes even though we love them it does little to help -they dont love themselves- and somehow it can even make them feel more failed as they can take care of us…not our faults but it can feel like it we want to save them. we cant. I know you want to call desperately but let him contact you…he will but dont talk until you are truly ready and can handle hearing what you may not want to hear. I wasnt and it made me more depressed and him upset -you dont need two depressed people in you life. Take care of you and if and when he is healthy and you are strong enough talk. Maybe your story will be better. No matter what do what you need for you.

      I am sorry you have to deal with this and I know its like death -its not easy and many people do not understand what you are going through and its never easy or simple to walk away. I am not sure I really did or can now hes back but I am being strong as I have to protect me…and you have to do the same.

      Hang in there it will get better…even if it dosent seem like it. I still love my ex with all my heart and if he can love himself we may one day be able to try but if not I have to treasure what was good and know one day I will have all that was good and more with someone who loves not just me but themselves….and so will you.

      • Maria says:

        Cass, thank you for your understanding words. It sounds like your ex is in a similar place to mine. I feel stronger today, and I know in my heart that you are right. I should not contact him because he made the decision to leave, the last thing he wants therefore is me pestering him and if I contact him now it will be too hurtful for me, however responds – unless he says ‘I made a mistake, I want you back’ and that isn’t going to happen. I wish I knew that he were okay, mainly. I know I’m stronger than him, deep down. I will probably bounce back again fairly quickly and get on with my life, in time – whereas he is permanently stuck in a pit of depression and anxiety over his ex wife and his beloved children. I just wish that he could have talked to me about how he was feeling, earlier, instead of landing it on me like a ton of bricks – that is the hardest thing to understand for me. But for now all I can do is just get on with MY life, and hope that in time he feels that he can talk to me about things and let me into his life even if it is just as friends. I know that one of the main problems for him is that he’s terrified of a similar thing happening if he gets too heavily involved with someone else, and as soon as he starts to feel those feelings he backs off. He’s said that to me. I do think that men find it much harder to move on after a bad break up, depression or no depression, comparing all subsequent relationships to the bad one. What can we do about it? Not much, I guess, just carry on and try not to get dragged down by it all.

        • Cass says:


          I am glad to know I could be of some comfort or at least make you feel as if your not alone in all this…its not easy. I know people tell me all the time to just get over it and move on and I know its not so simple when you love and care about someone and they are sick. And yes that out of the blue feeling and being hit with what feels like a ton of bricks is the worst. Don’t try to read into the why -its depression and it give no clear answers and it comes like this. Best advice don’t look back to try to see where it began or what you could have done – you did what you were supposed to he hid it intentionally or not and looking back is only torture.

          I do want to clarify one thing off of what you said about, “pestering him” -first of all don’t ever think of yourself in such a way -its normal, you care and thats what we do when we care and love people. The problem isn’t bothering him and what he needs, but what you need. He is not in the right state to take all you say with the heart you intend it as well. I do believe that that my ex -and yours- do really love us, but right now they have to love themselves to be able to fulfill that love and they have to do that themselves. They do -and he will come back in some way, ready or not -so you have to be ready to make the decision and set boundaries on what you can handle when he does. Its not easy, but don’t sit in wait and torture yourself -your worth more.

          As for being friends one day be careful, as I know he will probably ask you to saying that its all he can give you and doesn’t want to loose you. But when you love someone it doesn’t shut off and being friends is beyond difficult. My ex and I spent the last year back and forth with that idea and in the end neither of us want to be friends -he wants the fantasy he feels he cant give me and I want him back-the real him, so it only can last so long before were hurt again. Truth is its never going to be the same and I can be ok with it as long as he gets help and is happy with him, but he must believe it and that is the true struggle, so even if we can live with it how long can one wait. I had to set a limit and when I found I was constantly just waiting for my best friend to ask how I was and be happy I knew I couldn’t wait that it was beginning to destroy me. Watching the one you love not fight is hard for even the strongest person. So I left him in that final end for me -for us so it wouldn’t be ruined by more bad memories than good.

          Now his trying something to get back into my life and I know why -he never lied he loves me and misses me. After 4 months of nothing its become to much -it is for me too at times I do think of him all the time and wonder, worry and care. but the real question to ask now he’s contacting me is; “what has changed” and that is not easy to ask or find out sometimes. That said its about you in the end and what you can take and where your at in your healing. Right now I’ve left him hanging -as he has me- since I am not yet sure I can handle the answers to my questions nor if he can give them too me. Hardest part is to push aside the hope and love for a good look at reality. I have a lot of things in my life right now good and bad I need to deal with and I am not sure I’m ready so if not he will have to wait. Maybe I will -or you will- never be ready to engage them again and that’s ok. If you can be friends don’t focus on the past and what was but what is.

          I wish you all the best and hope you find peace soon.

          • ashley says:

            i feel the same way.
            how am i going to accept what happened and move forward, without constantly questioning what he said and what happened in the past. He wants to be back together. but all i can think about is: its going to happen again, what is different now. He says I need to : make peace with what happened and move forward.
            i love him and i know he loves me. but he is not always capable of showing his love due to the depression. should i really have to live this way? with a man who cannot express his love? he is so special to me. it is a scary thought to have to date again, and try to find someone this special.
            it is hard for me to have hope and faith, that things will be different this time around.
            he says we cant do this without hope, and i think that is true.
            when I am with him, everything is great. all my hope is restored.
            however, when i am with friends or family, i feel guilty when I tell them that I see him and talk to him. I have negative thoughts, when I see a couple that is happy, or Im at an engagement party, I think: that will never be us. we will never be that happy together.
            why do I have such negative thoughts about the relationship when I still love him, want to see him and have a good time with him?
            I cant put myself in that position again, dreaming of a wedding, marriage and kids. Im protecting myself. Now when I look at our relationship, I dont see these things. I think that means I need to end it, either that or I need to jump in with two feet and ignore my fears. Have hope or have fear?

  161. Shelley G says:

    Feeling torn and devastated. My husband left 8 ½ weeks ago. He will not speak to me at all and has only emailed. I was with this man for 10 years and love him dearly! He blames me totally and his parents and family condone his behavior. I try to just leave him be yet I still love this man. Everything I have read so far about depression and why they leave and how there mind is thinking seems to be exactly what I am going through with him. I am trying to move on and heal yet I have so many questions and absolutely no closure. I fear I will never see my husband again. I have been scared and in pain every day! I had no idea the pain one could feel from a sudden leaving of ones mate. It is like he went form totally in love and boom blew up and was gone in a blink of an eye. I never thought he would leave ever. What do I do? The pain is insane. I did seek help from a consoler. I want to be whole again. I fear I never will not with out him. I want my husband back and better. Yet with his family supporting this I do not think he will ever get help and just continue to blame me for him wanting to end his life and that I was just to mean to him. I am broken and it has been a tad comforting to read this blog.

    • Zoe says:

      I feel for you so much, it was like reading my own story. Do you have friends you can talk to, I know you said his family condoned him, but do you have someone for you?
      I know I feel as though my life has ended, I don’t know this man at all, he is so far removed from the man I loved. I would never have believed this could happen. It’s a cruel, cruel disease.
      I hope your husband begins taking steps to getting the help he needs.
      I too have this blog and ‘depression fallout meassage board’ of some comfort, just to know other people are experiencing the same thing, helps in a strage way, not to be totally alone in this.

    • Anxious says:

      Shelley reading your description is so very similar to mine I have been with my partner for 10 years married 3 and all of a sudden he decided that I was his problem, I forced him to get married but a house etc, 2 days later he said that he’s always felt this way it wasn’t my fault and it was best for me to move on so that I could at least be happy. He moved out and hasn’t been back in 6 months. We were both family orientated and had family dinners once a week but now it seems like his family are blaming me too, I don’t hear from them unless I make contact and even then they seem abrupt. I know they hurt too I get that but no one besides you or others who are going through the same thing could ever know how it feels to be left behind by your best friend the person who you trusted completely with every aspect of life. They don’t stay at home alone at night craving their touch or crying because something stupid on tv reminded them of him…I do! Sorry for rambling I just really wanted to let you know your not alone and I hope and pray everyday that things will change…I hope they do for you too.

  162. Kelly says:

    I dont know what to do as my fiance is alone and we are not to have contact until january. I’m scared I will lose him. I love him so very much. I’m scared that because I got him sent to jail that he will hate me and never want to speak to me. I just want to reach out to him. I’m also scared that he may take his life over this. how do I get the message to him that hes not alone and I love him with all my heart and I want him to be a part of our lives when we will get in trouble for contact?

  163. Patricia says:

    Hello, My boyfriend is currently experiencing depression and this has been extremely difficult for me to deal with. He has been severely depressed for about 3 months now and we broke up about a month ago. The break up was more his doing because he didn’t want to keep me in the relationship since he didn’t have much to give. I resisted at first, but realized that I was also feeling some of the effects. I would be exhausted after speaking with him because he doesnt really speak any more and I had to make all the effort. I also felt as if I was becoming depressed myself.

    Unlike some post on here, I have been extremely lucky that he has never lashed out at me. He is truly the most amazing man that I could have ever hoped for and this disease has taken that away from me. He is kind and has never blamed anything on me.I have been so angry at times and never meant to take it out on him, but unfortunately I think that I might have at times. He has been very pro-active realizing that he has a problem and going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He truly wants to get better and is doing his best. His psychologist suggested to him that we dot talk until he gets better because i might be putting stress on him that he shouldn’t have, like calling, talking to me, interacting.

    We have been keeping in touch through texts and he wants me to keep him updated of any good news I have. He says that seeing me happy helps him. I am just so sad and hope every day that I can get him back. Has anyone else experienced something similar? I know that he loves me and I don’t question that, but he doesn’t say I love you anymore and that hurts the most because I know he does. He has mentioned that saying I love you to me is hard for him because he doesn’t feel like he can give me what I need. I would really appreciate anyone’s advice or personal experience as to why he can’t say I love you. Thank you.

    • Lauren K says:

      Hey. I HAD to respond. I am experiencing depression as well (honestly bi-polar I) and I can only give you my opinion from personal experience: I have issues telling people I love them because I don’t love myself…..or rather my disease makes me think that way. And any experience I have regarding love be it major or minor WILL be grounds for the justification of my negative beliefs. Some ppl experiencing depression consciously and/or subconsciously remove a lot of positive around them, bringing them back to their original negative ideas….it is like a horrible wheel of internal suffering. I can’t say that my response applies to your friend, but hopefully it made sense coming from the mouth of a lady who also struggles ‘as we speak’.

    • Evelyn says:

      I can relate to your story! My ex-boyfriend was dealing with depression and was withdrawing in the relationship. He placed a lot of blame of his stress on the relationship. He told me he had checked out and has no more to give. We unfortunately have not been in contact aside from returning personal items. I want to be there for him but he has made it clear that he is interested in no contact. I am seeing him at work on a day to day basis, and am not yet sure how to behave around him. I do have hope that he will come back to me once the depression subsides but he is not willing to get help as he fears he will only get placed on medication.

      • morgan says:

        I too am dealing with the same. I work with my ex who has been on medication for depression for several years. He has a very strong personality and we often clashed. I recently caused an arguement to do with a colleage which resulted in me hanging up on him. He threatened my by text message telling me to call him or we were over, after 2 years together I was too upset by his reaction that I didnt call him and I fell asleep. I