How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves?

It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.

I hear so much about this from readers here and at Health Central. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)

  1. I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?

  2. I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.

  3. At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.

  4. This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.

I’ve written a couple of posts at Recover Life from Depression (here and here) about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.

I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.

If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.

The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.

First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.

They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.

So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.

You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.

Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.

The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.

There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.

Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.

No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.

What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?

Image by psyberartist at Flickr

891 Responses to “How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves?”

Read below or add a comment...

  1. Stacey says:

    I am in such a predicament right now. I started dating my bf almost 2 years ago after meeting him 4 yrs before and staying in contact. Everything was amazing at the beginning, it was like a whirlwind romance! After a few months things started to feel weird and i found out that he was married with two children and still living with her. He had told me he was separated and living with parents prior to this.

    The relationship took a turn for the worst and throughout the whole of the first year we were on and off and he didnt really know what he wanted. It was the most difficult time of my life. He told me his marriage was an unhappy one. He had never loved his wife and felt trapped. He told me he needed me on his life and to stick by him. He mentioned a divorce several times but i never saw any real proof.
    The start of this year he decided to leave the family home for good and move in with me. It was very difficult again at the start as he missed his children. Things were good but there was external pressure from his wife and my family. He ended up leaving and coming back to me 3 times this year because he said he couldnt handle it and that i couldnt either. In Sept he finally decided he was coming for good. I pushed him to show me proof of the divorce and he did – by email.

    I agreed to let him back and we have been happy for a few months. He left again less than a week ago as he said he was struggling to cope, he said he felt like a timebomb and he didnt want to be here when he went off. He said he feels extremely unstable and suicidal and he needs some space from me to get himself sorted. Since he has been gone ive found out that he has lied to me about the divorce. He had purposely sent the emails to the wrong email address and deleted the bounceback emails. He has been gone for less than 4days and has spent money on presents for his boys and a bracelet for her. Hes even been looking at booking a family trip away and sorting home improvements. Is this all down to behavioural issues caused by depression? A way of hitting back? Guilt ridden? Or am i being a complete idiot and letting him take me for a ride? I love him so so much, he was like a dad to my daughter and im struggling to come to the realisation hes done this to me. I thought this time it would last. He of course made it out to be me who was the reason he left. Because i couldnt trust him and was struggling with the constant anxiety that he was going to leave again. Ive never felt betrayal or pain like it.

    • Anonymous says:

      You’re surprised a guy who lied to you at the start and was living a lie betrayed you? You knowingly became the other woman along the way? He may have depression, but I hope you takea good long look in the mirror.

    • Anonymous says:

      Hey 👋 im another anonymous but I will give you the truth. Ive been diligently replying here for a couple of post now~ bare with my straightforwardness.

      He might be depress but he is coping in a wrong way by having relationship with you. Top it with anxiety and insecurity he had, he cannot be left alone lonely so he found you and now it feels different for him. Loneliness is eased but just reminder, its a momentarily happiness, the thoughts about his problem will surface because he hasnt really solve it.

      He definitely has resentment over his relationship but it doesnt mean he is over her emotionally and mentally. He might be in a dilemma now, leaving his family totally or keep the flame with you. The feelings and attention you gave him brought back the things he wanted from his wife (love and attention) but he cannot just leave because of the kids. He still care about the family for him to show it by buying stuff for them and planning trips. He isnt really over her completely.

      Now lets bring back the attention to you,
      yes, it is a let down but your case is more likely a rebound. You are attached to him so deeply. I feel your pain and sense of betrayal~ I was there~ your case was similar to mine. I believed every words he said to me and I trusted him deeply.

      Just a suggestion, i know you have taken him back few times and forgave him before but let him go.
      He is not emotionally and mentally prepared for a new healthy relationship. If you keep doing that, the pain you felt will be more horrible than the pain you felt the first time.

      Go no contact and let him solve his issues properly with his wife. He needs to make up his mind properly. He needed time to heal and grieve his relationship if ever he breaks up with her and decide to leave completely. As for you, make your boundaries clear, do some self growth. Going no contact help clear your mind and see how your relationship objectively.

    • James says:

      I’m not convinced of his authenticity. Go no contact, work on yourself and if he reaches out for you call the shots. You shouldn’t have induced anxiety because he can’t make up his mind.

  2. Talie says:

    Reading these replies have been a comfort to me during this time, I feel less alone. My ex girlfriend and I met online in March, right when lockdown began. Since then we have talked everyday non stop. We live almost 2 hours away, and with our crazy schedules we were long distance, but still found time to text all day. I know she deals with a lot of trauma that she briefly would talk about, but I wouldn’t pry. I wanted her to feel comfortable opening up to me. Our relationship was pretty great. No arguments ever, we always had the best time together. A little after one month officially into our relationship she broke up with me and I was so confused. She said she was afraid because she never did long distance before. I didn’t talk to her after that, I was so hurt. She texted me a few days later and said she made a mistake. I forgave her immediately because I understand her fear, it was new for the both of us. Things were amazing after that. A few weeks ago she expressed to me how stressed she was. We hung out and I made her a little “de-stress” package. That night she told me she loved me for the first time, neither of us had said those big words yet. Not even a month later she started therapy. I was so happy for her for taking this big step. After her first session she sent me a long message saying how therapy will be good for her and how it will help her accept my care and love because she really wants to. She always told me that I was the best thing to happen to her in a long long time. This past Thursday she had a really bad day. I tried my best to comfort her, but its hard since I cant physically be there for her. She expressed to me about possibly being depressed and how she feels emotionless and how it’s not my fault. I sent her so many words of love and affirmation. The next day she barely texted me, only to wish me a good day in the morning. That night she only texted a second time to ask to facetime and I knew what was coming. She was crying and kept apologizing, saying that she cant be in a romantic relationship but that she loves me. I wish I remembered more of our conversation, I was trying not to cry and be strong for her. It has been 3 days since she ended things and I still have not heard a word from her. She deleted all of our pictures off of social media. I am a mess. All I want to do is text her, call her, make sure she’s okay. I don’t know what to do. I am willing to give her space and time, even if it hurts me. I just don’t want her to think that I’m upset at her. I want her to know that I wont give up on her.

    • Cooper says:

      Your experience certainly mirrors many of those who post here and other places. My X also ended things they way yours did and was crying the entire time. It just makes it that much harder to understand.

      Trust me when I say this, give her space. I pushed too hard and doubt I’ll ever hear from her again. Just send her a little note letting her know you’re available for her whenever she needs you, and then leave it at that. Give it a couple months, and then try again. Give her time to and space to right her ship.

      Be prepared, this may well be one of the toughest times of your life. Read all you can on depression, so you understand what is going on with her and why she wants space. Don’t fight the lessons shared by others. Give her the space she needs more than wants. I said this to someone else. Think about her going into rehab for a month to rewire herself.

      • Talie says:

        Thank you for your words Cooper, I really appreciate them during this time. I am preparing to give her all the space and time she needs, even though it’s really killing me. There’s not a second that goes by that I’m not thinking of her, wondering if she’s okay.

        I do want to send her just one last little message/note like you said, since I feel like I didn’t get to say much when she ended things. I just told her it was okay and I didn’t want to fight her decision or disrespect her. I just don’t know if I should send her a message right away? Should I give it a week? Should I text her, or write a letter, maybe send her flowers? I don’t want want to seem needy and selfish. I just need her to know that I am not mad at her for putting herself first, I’m proud of her for seeking out help. I want her to know that I am here for her always and that I’m not giving up on her. Her not texting me is making me wonder if it’s really over for good?… She didn’t make it seem like she would disappear like this. But then she deleted our pictures from social media and I feel like she hates me. It sounds selfish, but I feel like its my fault. I need answers.

      • Talie says:

        Today has been the hardest day so far. I cant stop thinking about how much love our relationship had. I don’t understand how she can get rid of the one thing that brought love into her life. In our messages she’d always tell me how thankful she is for me, how I’m the best thing in her life, how she loves me. I feel so alone now, so lost without her. I just miss talking to her, it doesn’t have to be romantic. I cant help but wonder if she still loves me, or if that love is gone too. I don’t think I will ever stop loving her, that’s the most painful part.

        • James says:

          No contact is the safest way. You got to respect how she feels. You might feel very down but I’d imagine her pain is many times that of yours. If she wants to reach out that’s her choice but is much more likely when you keep your distance.

          If you read around this website and around the subject of depression and related conditions you will learn how your mindsets are different. You can only offer support when she wants to get it.

          Focus on yourself and make you happy with things that are going on in your life. Practice self love and learn that we can’t fix others but we can always work on ourselves!!!

    • Anonymous says:

      Like i would say to everyone here, respect her decision to be alone and give her space. When i say space? Go no contact indefinitely. But before you do that let her know “Hey, I love you and I care for you so i will respect your decisions and what you think is right for the time being, your happiness matters to me. If you need anything and if you are ready, do not hesitate to give me a call. Take care”. After that, never ever initiate any form of contact unless she contacts you first. It gives her the power that she can be in control of her self and that her decision was right. Do not make her feel burden about your feelings. The more youshow your love and affirmation the more she will feel burden and not contact you. Her mind isnt ready to recieve all those feelings, it will burden her. Her mind is wired differently when she is depress,your feelings might be encouraging but for her it is not, it is actually a burden because she will feel that she cannot reciprocate your feelings while she is being like this. Now dont feel upset or anything when I say it feels like a burden to her, it is just how it is for them at the mean time. They want to be in a position of positivity to receive love and when theyre negative it will repel all of this because they think they are not worthy of such feelings.
      It is time for the both of you to have spaceand work on yourself and let her work on her self. She is capable of doing self healing with the help of professional. You have to stay in control and not contact her when shes ready to contact you. When she does contact you, keep it light and simple. Be there as a friend for her and then progress again when she ready.

  3. David says:

    Hi all,

    So here’s what i’m currently going through. we broke up 2 days ago because she said that it wasn’t me or anything that caused it. she mainly wanted to break up because she wanted to work on herself. That and even tho we were dating since july 26th until 2 days ago. she said she felt like she wasn’t stable enough to be in a relationship with me. but here’s the kicker to that

    After a few minutes we kept talking about it all and she doesn’t want me to stop talking to her and wants me to be there for her as a best friend like how we both were before we started dated. she keeps reassuring and telling me that she loves me and that’s the one thing she’ll never forget for/with me. she does plan on getting back together with me soon in the future. she just wants i guess that space to work on herself

    My concern is that even tho she doesn’t want me to stop talking to her. we’ve been through damn near alot problems and issues that didn’t have to deal with me. with the amount of time we dated. we’ve been through a ton. more then what i think a normal couple would go through i think.

    one of the biggest problem was me helping her not only getting over her toxic ex boyfriend but her trying to block him all over in general so he could stop contacting her. Now i’m not the type of guy to force her to do that action. i’m more of the type to paint the bigger picture and let her make the decision on her own. Because i felt like if i forced her it would push her away from me. now she did this on her own a month ago after working with her on it. The concern to me is that now she’s following him on instagram again, prolly added him back on snapchat again and added him back as a friend on facebook. now i know from one of the phone calls that yeah he did have a drinking problem and made pyscho phone calls to her while he was drunk and now i heard he’s doing better. the other part is that she was pregnant with his kid a few days after we started dating. she made a phone call to let him know and they both agreed that she’ll go to the abortion building just because she wasn’t in that right mind of state to have a child at the time. a week or 2 later he went crazy and flew from georgia to california just to check up on her to make sure she was okay. she didn’t want that but dealt with it because she couldn’t do anything about him flying to her.

    My question is since she doesn’t want me to not stop talking to her. do i keep fighting for her as far as winning her back soon in the future? or do i still be there as a best friend for her letting her know that she’s not alone and i’m there to support her since her ex never did when she needed him the most.

    • Anonymous says:

      She has a lot of things to work on herself. You arent in a healthy relationship at all but since you believe that it could be work on, you think the relationship can be save and become healthy. I believe it will be a long way for it to happen. She definitely still has attachment issues with her ex and plus problem with her personal life. I can see that you become her emotional baggage holder and it helps her in someways to distract some of it because you are helping ease her thoughts and support in some level.

      Regarding your question, i do believe you are a great guy in general but i would advice to open your horizon and meet other people for potential healthy relationship. She is not in a position to be in a relationship at all if you continue waiting, the cycle of problem will still be there unless she her self move forward to resolve this.Your support will be a great help to her but support in a way she will actively move for the better and not look back. I suggest also that you should not be too involve with her problem,i know im being unempathetic,ive been in your position as well, i was helping out my close friend to the point that her problem is now my problem. I shared the stress which wasnt there and should not be there. I know that its fullfilling that you are able to help but in long term the stress will build up no matter how considerate, patience, loving and a good person you are.
      I had to separate myself to her because she was becoming more dependant on my help and other stuff. How much support and advice i have given, she will listen but not actually move forward, she was in the same place still. I believe she just want sympathy for her problem. The more I helped herthe more she made me feel guilty of unable to get involved. I suffered for something she can solve her self. I now believe that going as far as helping someone, it should be in a wAy that this person will move on her own, think on her own, comes up on a solution on her own. The only job you had to do is to listen and not get involve and help her like she doesnt have hands and feet to use.
      Lessoned learn? She is capable of moving forward and solving her own problem. Listen to her problem and not act overly involve into it, they can work on it if they want to. If youget too involved, they become dependant and lazy.
      Relationship wise? She said she wanter space. Go no contact
      I dont thinkit is right that you wait for her, she should feel the lost of that significant person in her life and reAlise it. You being there as a friend will not move your relaironship romantically even further. For her to have space but still want to contact you and tell you that she probably want to get bAck with you in the future is telling you that “if things doesnt work out with the other person,i will come back to you”. You arent the second option and you dont want to be a second option. I believe she has still some attachment isssue with her ex and it is evident. Either listen to Craig Kenneth or Coach Lee in youtube. I would clear up things and do the right choice if you wanted her romanticallty

  4. Derthy says:

    My ex loves me deeply but since two three months he has been saying that he doesn’t want relationship but I convinced him to stay that I will be there and not do anything bad and help him but recently things got out of control when he made his mind completely and no matter what I am saying it is pushing him more away and he did this all through msgs as have met just once in 8 months and he doesn’t even say things like this on calls because I know he can’t hurt me like this on call and he is not meeting me even just for once, we have been together for 2 years and I know he is doing this because he is depressed he is saying things like if I want good for him I should leave him, but the thing is that he still has feelings for me that is why my actions are still bother him and he gets jealous but he is just pushing me away somehow. I don’t want to leave him alone I have begged to stay with him and begged him to atleast meet me but he is not listening to me, infact because of this he has started saying things like I regret being with you and I know he is doing this all to hurt me so that I don’t contact him. But the thing is that I don’t want to leave him alone because I love him and maybe not right now but he loved me too and he is a great person and I don’t want to leave him alone in such times. What should I do to make him stay, I know he wants me too but he is just letting me go because he thinks it is good for me, please help me get him back I have never loved someone this way and he has always made promises to never leave me and I can’t see him in pain and leave him alone I want to be with him forever. What should I do to get him back, I am thinking of not contacting him for few weeks to that he sorts his mind or any other way I could make things work out please suggest

    • Anonymous says:

      I can sense the anxiety and insecurity in you, i feel your pain and confusion. It is natural, I have been there. Right now, fixing things for him, pushing your self to him, messaging or texting him out of concern is not going to bring him back, it will not and so mang people have done it and it will just push them away even further. Giving him the space, respecting his choice, listening on what he wanted will go along way in your relationship. Space let him have his own time, peace of mind, be with himself without thinking about you or other stuff, dont take this as harsh advice, they needed it. Bombard him with your presence, it will make him feel smothered and resent this feelings. Respect his choice, listen to what he had to say, if he says “i needed time on my own, i dont know when I will come back,lets have a break”. Respect and honor it, thats what he wanted for awhile, it is not because he doesnt love you, thats what they feel right now and thats their priority at that time. Right now, you need to let go of him and honour it, while you are in no contact, do some self growth. Work on yourself while waiting. I know it will be hard, trust me, ive been there and still am. Listen to your self and listen to him, I know right now, you act out because you are anxious and this anxiousness brings out your insecurities in this relationship. This insecurity will want you to fix the relationship so it can go back to the way it is. Believe me, been there, done that, all of the wrong things, ive done it. You just need to have long patience, he will walk away for awhile to fight himself and figure things out. He wont be back if you are always there letting him see that you feel helpless and concern, theyll get hurt even more and walk away from you even more, be strong! I know its hard. Be strong because its tough when they do this. Love is tough, be resilient!

      • Derthy says:

        You mean to say that I should let him go and not wait for him to come back?
        I really want him back should I wait sometime and approach him as a friend so that he misses me and let me in his life because I know he loves me even now.

        • Anonymous says:

          Yes, let him go and go no contact. Let him have his space.
          I think you are extremely anxious now, I can sense that you dont want to leave him alone because you are scared that he will go away and forget about you. I’ll tell you a fact if you are about to do what you want to do like being a friend to him, keep talking to him because you dont want to lose your connection with him, these have been done by many and all resulted to more heartache and pain for both of you. If you want him to miss you, that is the wrong way to do things because what you are going to do is smother him with your presence. Right now you cannot accept my advice but if you dont, the things im going to say will happen. He will decide to pull away even more, not reply to you and decide to end things even if you like it or not. I will be a bit harsh so that you can see the realisation because you are extremely anxious and you are going to do the same mistake that everyone did before. Please read anxious attachment style and depression relationship together, Find Craig Kenneth in youtube. I hope it helps so that you can save the relationship.

          • Derthy says:

            I found Craig Kenneth on YouTube and saw his video but it can’t really help my case, neither can I afford the therapy session with him, and I was thinking about my problem and I realized that maybe he is doing this because he once said I am a baggage for him and he doesn’t want to get married early and he can’t be there for me so maybe he is pushing me away today so that it is less painful instead of doing it tomorrow when it will be more, because he says he can’t be there for anyone but it is Alsl because he is depressed. I am very restless I can’t sleep I can’t eat, I wake up and feel so depressed my pain has not eased even one percent since he has left me. What should I do to convince him because my mind and body is not accepting this

        • Anonymous says:

          Hey Derthy, I cannot find the reply button so I will reply here.
          You dont need to do a therapy session with Craig, just watch the video once a day or how many times you want. Just listen to the stories he does an example because it resonates to all of us suffering with break up/space/ break with an attachment styles.

          I totally understand what you are going through. I have been there, I have been in your position. I was a total mess and also depress. When I was extremely anxious, I tried my best to keep the relationship, contacting him daily, making sure everything was okay but despite all of the effort and care, it didnt work. If his mind started pulling away, he has already decided and it wont change. You cannot convince him to stay and that is the reality of it. The more you are trying to fix it or convince him, the more he will push you away and not come back to you. Do not come to the point where he will resent you and block you.

          All I can advice to you is, let him go. Respect his decision to be alone. Like I always say, it is hard thing to do but you have to do it. If you love him that much, let him go. Do not suffocate him with it. If he will return, he will but right now he has spoken his needs and he told you he cannot be in a relationship anymore. His well being is more important right now and it is his priority. Relationship to him is not his main priority therefore he has decided to let go.

          My advice for you is to let your emotion out, cry as much as you want, take more time for your self to process this feelings. Talk to someone about your heartache (family or friends). See friends and socialise and distract your self from thinking about it. It will take awhile but you can do it.

          You are not alone in this situation, I have been there, everyone on this comment thread has gone through the same experience as you. It is hard to let go such relationship you put value, time, love, trust and all of the things you invest in this relationship.

          my previous ex who had depression cut me off in his life, painful as it is, I had to be strong and get up each day with the pain it caused me. I did what I can for our relationship but he still left me. I didnt contact him since we broke up, I respected his decision even though it hurts so much. I tried everything to distract my thoughts. Three months after NOT contacting him, he contacted me. He wants me back and that he miss me so much. It took that long for them to contact me but it was worth it. Just dont bother them and leave him alone, he will come around. If he did not, he has deeper wounds to heal.

          • Valerie says:

            Hello there Anonymous and Derthy !
            I am going through a very, very similar problem as Derthy. I won’t get into length about my past, but through experience and research , yes, every single thing Anonymous has said and/or suggested is absolutely true and pretty close to expert advice. It’s really hard when your the one that’s going through the relationship to see clearly, but that’s why it helps to get neutral opinions and thoughts.
            I absolutely can’t believe this is happening! We have had a fun, relaxed and amazing relationship for almost 2 years with no bumps… until now. Yes I new he was battling depression off and on ( I myself take many scripts to keep my depression balanced)…. but never thought he would end our relationship due to it. He said, he needs to learn how to love himself, find some kind of will and purpose. I know this is true, he’s self medicating with fast food, always tired and just does enough what he needs to do …. like work. In saying that, it has become more noticeable, but I can’t understand him wanting to be alone. I thought he loves me. It makes me question that because if I loved someone, I can’t see letting them go! I know everyone is different and when I was at my low… it would of made things worse to push my loved ones away.
            I know he’s telling the truth, but I still can’t grasp why he would through our relationship away because of some time he needs alone. I am respecting that, and I have learned no contact is the best. He knows I love him, so if he ever wants to…. he’ll reach out to me. All I keep saying all day, is “ I can’t believe this is happening “!

          • Anonymous says:

            Hey Valerie, thank for vouching on what I comment here, i tried to be as neutral and comforting as possible but it is hard to mask it in good words. Everyone is going through the same pain but in different level. Therefore healing is different for everyone as well. The more attached you are to that person, the deeper your wounds need to heal.
            Yes it is true for everyone, if you love someone, you want the best for them and letting go is the last thing you can do for the relationship.
            Until now, i cant believe why it happened to me but after no contact, my mind cleared up and I started working on myself.
            I believed that our relationship was great and everything we had was true. When he said that he needed to work on himself and his life, I did refused to accept and leave our relationship but later on, i was soffucating him more for not respecting his needs and growth. It caused both of us pain that we shouldnt feel from the beginning if I accepted his reasoning to leave.
            Now both of us arent in contact, i still miss him but life must move forward.

          • Derthy says:

            Hi both

            Actually I stopped talking to him last week and before trying to solve Everytime for one last time, I told him how much I loved him and asked him what is the real reason because apparently the more we were discussing this his reasons kept on changing then I sent him one last msg of how I feel, then he said that he is sorry but he can be friends but nothing more than that he said if you want to meet one last time you can now but that is it, I felt so bad after that msg I had a huge outburst seeing the person I love the most talking to me about our last meeting then I didn’t reply because I thought he is not going to change his decision but seeing him is just going to break me even more badly, then he msg me after that for something which wasn’t even relevant, I felt that as he is feeling bad but I know if I’ll ask him he will deny, but I have decided to go no contact, I miss him every moment and it hurts really bad but I can’t be just friends with somone I love, first I thought maybe I’ll convince him by being frnds but that is highly unlikely

    • Anonymous says:

      Hi Derthy, im with you… i know how hard it for you and for him. No contact is the right way and I am proud of you for stepping forward for yourself. I know I have been too forward with my words but I have no other way of giving this advice.Although his reasoning changes,it has the same meaning, he wants to be alone.
      If he asked friendship with you, it is up to you if you want to be friends but it will be hard to move on from the pain and you will be stuck with it without progress for yourself since your energy will be consumed from the concern of his well being.
      If he contact you, it is alright to reply as long as he started the conversation first. I would advice not to initiate conversation because youll be put in the position of anxiety if he doesnt reply.
      Take care of yourself first and do some self healing and growth. Be a ray of light for him by taking care of your well being because this changes will noticed by him and might also make him feel motivated to move on his own.

      • Derthy says:

        Yes anonymous, I realized that if I will contact with him I will never recover from this ever, and if he needs me he can always msg me even though I will msg him he will be there for me but is not right as I literally begged and pleaded for him to stay but he didn’t so he does know that I need him in my life so if wants to be there he can simply approach me and if not, if his ego comes in between then there is no point of me trying

  5. Beth J. says:

    Is it okay to ask my ex out? I just want to meet him because I miss him. I’ve asked him before also but he said he’s busy. Should I ask him one last time? Am I giving away too much self respect?!
    Please help!

    • Anonymous says:

      Assuming you are talking about a X going through depression, I would not. He will reach out to you if and when he wants to talk. The stonewalling component of depression is what hurt me the most. I think depression just changes the person for whom we cared into someone we’d now find unloveable.

    • Angel111 says:

      If your ex ask for his space, it would be best to lean back and not ask him out. Let him contact you when he is ready to meet. We understand that you miss him, we all do but right now he might prefer to be by himself. Ive done that, asked him out many times but the more i ask the more he reject, find excuse, and pull away from me. You need to respect if he needed space instead of catering to your needs to see him.

  6. ANGEL111 says:

    Hi everyone.
    I have been reading most of the comments and stories that you all shared here and I am glad I was able to stumble on this site/forum for better understanding of my situation.
    I find comfort on the stories that has been shared despite that it was in different timeline, it has similar sentiments that everyone can relate. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness on the situation really made my heart felt shaken to the core. I have searched through every videos/blogs/forums that enable me to understand where his feelings were coming from but still not able to satisfy and calmed until I was able to find this website. I see the signs that he was depress triggered by stress. He was avoidant type and he caved in. He deals problem by himself.

    I want to share my story to provide solace to anyone who is reading it.
    Here it goes… (sorry English isn’t my first language)

    My BF and I were in a relationship for one year, everything felt amazing and the relationship was something we both wanted. We shared the same goals, values, and plans and our relationship was full of happiness, respect, honesty and we have open communication. We’ve never had argument that lasted more than a day. We had few misunderstanding but it didn’t hinder our relationship at all. We were comfortable with each other which allowed us to act silly and have crazy moments. Everything was great for 6 months until covid restrictions was placed and our time together gradually reduced. His workplace has also picked up lots of work and required him to have at least 12 hrs every shift. The shift work wrecked his sleeping pattern so bad and unable to let him sleep properly. The only rest day he had was weekends which he cant relax due to child arrangements. He wants to sleep and do nothing and just be at home if his kids aren’t visiting at his place.

    Since July, I felt something has change, he started making excuses not to see me and bails out on the day we are going to meet. It happened frequently during that month. I thought it was unusual behaviour of him. I have a tendency to overthink but I dismiss it as him wanting more rest for himself which is understandable due to his crazy job.

    August, He got sick with signs and symptoms of covid but it was only a common colds and flu. It wrecked him completely because he didn’t recover quickly like he used to. I suspect he has been stress because of his shift, role at work, and interacting with hard headed team members. I have been reminding him constantly to take care of himself because I am unable to take care of him due to my job that requires me to have direct contact with vulnerable people and disabled.
    He was alone, sick, stressed, dealing with everything on his own. I do want take care of him but we leave in a separate house which is unfortunate. It made me feel helpless that the person I wanted to take care is on his own. I knew he would be considerate of me too because of my job and will not seek out my comfort. During this month, I have reached my breaking point, I questioned his feelings for me because I felt unloved an cared for. This side of me has added stress over him which he didn’t need at that time. My neediness has caught up with me. I admit, I have become weak and selfish emotionally because my needs hasnt been met for awhile. It lead me to become anxious and worried about our relationship. We had an honest conversation on what’s going on, He has been feeling unwell, overly stressed and need time to himself. For a while, he has become afraid, confused and dont know what to do. I asked him why but he doesnt know, he has been feeling and thinking that way since the doctor’s visit. He felt that he needed to find himself and needed space to do it. This conversation has given me anxiety because of my past trauma. It got me thinking if its “over” and selfishly told him I didnt like the idea of giving him space. I wanted to know how I can help and stop this from happening. He hated the idea of space too but he badly needed it. Our conversation has gotten nowhere because of my anxiety and giving space was postponed. After that we continued normally. Messaging and checking on each other.

    Early September, our conversation was still normal but I know within myself, I was being selfish because I was catering my needs instead of his. Gradually as day goes by, I felt the distance growing and the conversation has just been me initiating and him replying. His life circumstances piled up tremendously one after another. It has cost him to cave in more and more. He realised that he needed to be there for the kids and deal with it for now and then to find himself after. But how can he find himself if he distract himself with work and video games?. I felt that he would try to wore himself out until he cant think no more. This scares me the most. He planned to pack up and go back to his hometown if things doesn’t go well. He felt he will collapse due to stress. Everything is spiralling out of control for him. At this point, I was so scared for him and his well being mattered to me.

    Although its my first time giving space, my heart was shaking, I cant eat properly, think properly and just wasting my time worrying. I realised that if I continue to be selfish he will breakdown. I gradually gave him his time to himself in mid September. I want him to get better and calm. His mind, body, emotion is exhausted. He is sad and hurt because I felt hurt. I love him so I finally was able to let go and give him the space he needed. We have been in no contact since Oct. 1 and 2 weeks after I have messaged him that I was thinking of him and if he needed me, I will be there. He has not respond to my message and it made me feel lost and worried. I think of him every single day.

    I dont want him to get depressed more than he should have. I want to add value to his happiness and not his sadness. I miss him soooooooo much and I cant backdown now and become needy while he deals with himself. I know I have to work on myself as well and little by little move on and heal. I cannot set my expectation and hopes since I dont know if giving space or having a break on our relationship will keep us together or not. I know that my feelings for him is deeper and strong and his feelings for me is the same. We both feel that we are important to each others life but right now, focusing on his life is better than staying together just for the sake of relationship. I love him enough to let go so he can love himself. I wanted him to be full of happiness and love and ready for what ever life throws at him. I’m sure he can. He is strong and has faced so much adversity that it let him stand strong through out his life.

    I got the chance to see all of him in one year. although I want to see more, now is not the time.
    I wish him well and hope that in the future we cross each other again and create another chapter of me and him. I know it was for the best of us. I hope our feelings will still be the same when we see each other. I dont feel hurt of what happen now, I feel more loving and understanding.

    • Anonymous says:

      Please don’t feel selfish. You were in a loving relationship that went awry for illogical reasons. That is part of the pain and mystery of depression. It truly is a paradox…a partner is hurting and wants nothing to do with his/her loved one. It’s maddening.

      But, never ever blame yourself. It’s not fair to you. And, don’t blame him. He’s dealing with a horrible disease of which even he cannot make sense. You’ve done what you can, but it’s now up to him to fight things.

      • Angel111 says:

        My selfishness came from neediness, I realised a couple of weeks ago when i tried to understand him and myself that I was not able to control myself because I am anxious. I let him go once I saw the light of my behaviour and what he is going through. I feel only loving energy and growth of my individuality. I feel secure to let him go and let him deal with it. Yes I do blame myself for what contributes to his depression, I never blamed him for wanting to figure himself out. I totally respect his decisions and needs. Its just sad that we cannot be a team to fight it.

    • James says:

      It’s great reading things like this and seeing that people go through excactly the same cycles as you dance the dance with the depressed anxiety driven SO.

      My story started in January 2020.  We met over a coffee and It  felt so comfortable and I warmed to her straight away.  Her parent’sbumped into us on the first date (that seemed and still are lovely) and after 3 hours or so we parted ways and we both seemed keen to meet again. My only real hang up was that at the age of 35 she had moved back to her parents house, but I was told it was only a temporary arrangement as she had a career change.  Several weeks past and i was welcomed into family etc and things felt really good.  I had introduced to some of my friends and visa versa and I was content and felt happy with things.  I was also the first serious bf to be introduced to family so I thought this is really big for both of us. Things were looking good in 2020!!

      Along came my birthday in March and that was first time we had a disagreement and it was on my
      birthday itself.  She was working and came to see me late and I was always under the assumption that she making it was a flying visit.  After she left I received a text that stated I was always tired and not interested.  I Thought that was a massive over reaction and I stated that this wasn’t the case. Anyway that kind of stuck with me as a small flag I didn’t quite get to the bottom of.  Anyway time
      moved on and we spent a weekend away in the weekend before lockdown and things all seem ok.

      Then lockdown happened we spent every day facetiming etc to stay in touch and gradually as restrictions eased we could do things, but I felt things were not totally right had a gut feeling that everythingwas not ok as we would often go for walks places and if we took a break she would sit there and look distance and the look in her eyeswere sad.  Often after the event I would check in and ask have you enjoyed todayetc.  And always got a positive response.

      Then her pet cat died and that was a big deal for her as it been part of her life for a long time and then i saw more episodes of outwardly showing negative emotion, but i understood as it’s like a family loss.

      Then work picked up again for her in her new career, but it involved a lot of travelling and this meant our time together and plans over summer had to change and although in my opinion everything seemed ok on the outside you could see her stress levels being pushed.  She was not making much money and she was starting to have serious doubts about making it in this new career path. When we did have free time we generally spent it together.

       Then i got the next outburst about me not being interested in her again and it’s really sad to hear that whenshe had been the forefront of my thoughts most days.  things were said via text and i picked up on things she wasn’t happy with so i put changes in places.  But it was tricky as the more she worked the lessI could involve her in my plans.  Also I started to notice inconsistencies. Things that were bothering her about me started happening with her and when I pointed them out I got no response? I was very confused but could see things were not right. I was worrying about her, but still couldn’t make sense of it.

      Then Bizarre things started happening like on a weekend away i planned as we unpacked in a room I had card written out telling her thanks for coming and how she makes me happy etc.  Sadly as she arrived she then decided to tell me about one night stand she had drunk.  She apologised for saying that, but these little inappropriate things kept happening and it was taking it’s toll on me and probably making mestep back from things and question if she loved me, but I was equally confused as she kept pushing the idea of marriage and kids between us… which didn’t align with any of our discussions at start of relationship. I felt that she was trying to take the relationship at 100mph and i’m over here at a reasonable pace and accepting we are evolving as a couple.

      Then august / septmeber time I then learnt the extent of her depression and anxiety and how she talked of considering taking her life about 4-5 years ago.  I was shocked, but it seemed to me that she hadn’t own this condition and as far i know had not had any outside help with counselling and medication. You could start to see the pattern of behaviour always running away either by travelling at a young age then jumping into different professions and then the lack of any stable relationships in past. And some of the guys she got involved with just sounded very inconsistent with what she was wanting from me. It’s as though she was falling in love day 1 but then wondering why they are not interested by week 2. Even worse is some of the guys had done bad things with her and even made me feel uncomfortable.

      We planned to go away for a week in October. This was a big thing for her.  She never been away with a boyfriend before and i was by far the longestbf  at the age of 35.  Although we had a good time things never seemed fully ok and I was getting concerned. So my thought process was lets see this holiday out and talk about it when we get back. On way back she wouldn’t touch me… and her communication became distance and i finally got a text off her to say we are two different
      and she basically said I think we can’t carry on. Iwas emotionally drained from the holiday and  Texts were exchanged and she wanted to end and not see me again.  After 9 months
      i asked to see her as I thought i was owed that, but I aplologised for
      delgitimising her feelings and said it wasn’t ok.  At that point she
      said that she appreciated that.  

      She give me maybe 20 minutes inperson and that was it.  It was like she was adifferent person. Although at this point I was deeply upset everything sort of made sense. She wasn’t well and her reaction was the give away.

      Things came out that weren’t even true about me and I but had seen me in negative light without even asking me. When I clarified with her serveral times at how without asking me you have created a picutre of me that just isn’t true and I can’t be blamed for that. She aplogised, but even I accepted all this is far too late. You accept what it is and by the end of it you put the pieces of puzzle togther. My rational and anylitical side of me made sense of what it was and how it very difficult to have a stable and loving relationship with this person unless they work on there underlying condition.

       On the whole there wasso little disagreement between us and we bonded well got on like great
      friends and I focused more on that that the little things that didn’tseem like a big issue to me.  Obviously the negativity towards me washeavily building up and I just didn’t see it.  My needs were not being met and the silly things being said were never from someone I consider who loved me.  Although Ironically the one thing we both wanted to hear in person was a meaningful “I love you”.  And neither party could say it as we both feared the same thing…. that the other person didn’t love.
      My only take from this is say it.  SAY it say it.  They are small words but these gestures i feel can comfort both partners and make them more grounded in the relationship and Believe there is. At least if it’s not reciprocaited then you know that the other person may not be into you.

      I will work on myself and currently I’m a week and half no contact.  I’ve opened up for the first time about this relationship to people who are close to me and this is something I haven’t done in years.  This is something i’m proud of and I’m hoping its the beginning of something better for me. We all get lost in this text and social media world and the vocal world is just as important. I know that my vocal communication about feelings is not my strong point and I feel i have so much t love to give..  I love the feeling of being in love and have been there before and for me now it’s ever so important to fix the little things in me.  For her I have the utmost compassion for her as she is dealing with such a complex thing that must be 1000 times harder than what I’m dealing with.  It doesn’t mean I’m not hurting but I feel i’ve matured as an individual to see that she has so much to work on and to own this condition as currently it’s manifesting to a place of real harm to herself and the people that love her most.   Will we ever be anything again? who knows?  But i hope to take the positives and deal with the negatives in mature and collective way.  

      Please ask away or comment as it’s great to hear feedback.

      James

  7. Dina says:

    my partner is depressed and he left me. He said that he could not overcome the problem we had in the past before his depression and it was about him. He also said that he could not feel a romantic about me. He said he loved me when we together, but he couldn’t feel when he got home. we were friends before. That’s why he said he hoped to be friends with me again. He said that I should not help him in this situation and he wanted to overcome his own problem. how can I help him?

    • ANGEL111 says:

      Its best if you lean back and respect his decision. I have been through it, if you push him even more, he will pull back. Understanding, communication and listening is the key, in my situation, my anxious attachment has gotten into me that I let my neediness run infront of me. I did not listen to his needs and forgot that his time alone isnt because of the relationship but about himself. You arent alone in this helpless situation when the guy is pulling away and caving in. They have different ways to deal with stress and problem. Just give him the space he needed, let him figure out on his own and ask for time frame. if there is no time frame or he doesnt know when, tell him ” take as much time as you needed and you trust him that he can figure things out, I hope than we you feel better, I am one message or call away if you need me”. This way, he wont feel guilty of leaving you to find himself. The more you are understanding about his needs and has secure attachment with him, he will likely come back. Do not be needy like me, it was a mistake I made. Do not contact him frequently and disturb his silence. It will not give him time to think for himself, he will end up thinking of you and stress out even more. Now is not the time for your relationship but a time for self growth, while he find himself and recover from depression, do something for your self.

      • Bec says:

        What do you think if it’s a similar situation but he’s on dating apps again?
        He told me he needs time and doesn’t know how long but maybe we’ll be better together after some time, or maybe we won’t reconnect at all. It hurt so so much to hear that, but he is hurting so much himself and says he’s lost and doesn’t know anything anymore. After much distress and neediness on my part (I feel the same as you that I added to his stress and feel so guilty and regretful) I eventually left him as I wasn’t getting what I needed from him. Before I ended it we were in a kind of limbo for a few weeks where he had said he doesn’t know how he feels about us and wouldn’t tell me he wanted it to work when I pressed him. He cares a lot and was so sad, devastated even, that he was hurting me but couldn’t give me the words I wanted, he didn’t break up with me but he wasn’t fully there either.

        This all started after one fight that led to us discussing our relationship and future and started him feeling that our futures might not align. My standpoint was that things would work themselves out in the future as long as we wanted to be together, and that I would prioritise him and our relationship and always be flexible on things in the future and we would find a way together. He was not so sure. This snowballed over a few days and turned into him being sure about me too. I think everything just got so messy and he wasn’t able to cope (dealing with his own depression rearing it’s head, a huge bereavement, and also lockdown anxiety… Too much, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through, I worry about him so much)
        So that what should have been a bump in the road for us, easily manouvred, became somehow doom for our relationship.
        He started shutting me out and even acting cold at times which was awfully unlike him. I tried being there for him and patient. I tried to figure out how to make things any easier for him.
        but I was also so anxious myself, with my own troubles going on and past traumas making me so unstable in these situations.
        I could give him space but I couldn’t deal with it being for an indefinite amount of time. So I pushed him, and he couldn’t give me what I needed.
        Before those few weeks it was wonderful for 7months and we were very serious about each other. He told me regularly from near the start/always made it clear how much he wanted me with him, and made his life better.

        So I ended it fully even though it was the last thing I wanted. I tried to fix things then, obviously regretting not being more patient.. but I couldn’t and he’s pushed me away entirely.
        I saw him in dating apps (I was curious, and as life is, he was one of the first people to show up) and I just can’t help but feel devastated.
        He had said he needed to be alone, and try to find a way to be happier himself, and that he cares for me but can’t be there for me at the moment, just saying so many times how he needs to be alone. But like I said that maybe in some time well be back together. But if he’s trying to meet new people then what am I to think… He wouldn’t give a time frame for time apart, obviously he doesn’t know, so I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to give up and I want to give him patience and understanding but I’m so hurt and don’t know how I can deal with it for an indefinite amount of time, especially if he’s trying to see other people (maybe already is dating someone, or maybe he was just looking and its not a big deal, who knows…)
        He had become a huge part of my life and it’s just a massive hole now. I don’t understand how Im not leaving the same hole in his life and how he can just shut me out, even potentially date someone new even though he knows it’s complicated with us and I’m waiting for him, after how much he’s hurt me by the need to be alone… Maybe it’s partly the difference between men and women or it’s all explained by the depression.
        Opinions would be appreciated.
        Good luck to all on this forum, it’s so rough for everyone in these situations.

        • ANGEL111 says:

          I totally understand your situation, it also stem to our anxious behaviour towards our partner. The need to know whats going on and why its happening so we can fix the connection and feel better again. What tends to happen is, we are so overwhelmed with our own internal state and our feelings, like him being depress and you being anxious that we tend to ignore our partner and we become disconnected and not intuned and we sometimes cannot pick up the changes of the routine of the other person. We might think that ” You are wrong, I was worried, I picked up the change of routine so thats why I wanna push this matter so I can support him”. We arent actually helping much in this state because right now, your partner is avoidant, anything you tell will not go through his head, all he would be thinking right now is “I need my peace, my time alone, so I can think for myself”. Men tend to not ask for him so they go to their man cave to think. Whether they are depress or avoidant, they will shut you off if their autonomy is challenge and feel suffocated from all the question, smothering him unintentionally.

          Just like me, you are really anxious with this relationship right now and it has taken a toll on your well being, Ive been there, it feels like death. I have to grieve properly so I can let go of what we had and what the relationship meant to me in order for both of us to move forward.
          At the mean time, focus on your self growth and work on your self. I know its easy to say but gradually it will make you feel better. You have to continue no contact, I know its hard, do not brake it again. No contact can work second time and it also depends how the relationship came to an end before he reach out as well.
          I am thankful that I have watched Craig Kenneth on youtube, search for him. He will give you some knowledge and understand our situation. It made me feel better about myself and understand what I should do during this no contact period.

          I have been reflecting on my self and working on my self growth right now and it helps me become better emotionally and mentally. There is that psychotherapist and relationship expert in youtube that I always watch which help greatly on understanding your self , your partner, your relationship.

  8. N says:

    Yesterday, my boyfriend had woke up, and completely blindsided me and left.

    Our relationship was damn well picture perfect up until three days prior. He is a gentleman, he made the time, bought me flowers regularly, made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. We were building a house on his parents ranch, talked about having kids and marriage. We were certain that we had found each other as ‘the one’. We had a great friend group, loving families, and wonderful experiences together. Just a week ago we were painting the spare room and planning our lives.

    The past weekend, he started acting noticeably different. I called him out on it and he shared with me that he thought he was depressed. I tried to understand and ask questions on where that feeling was coming from. He said it has been something he’s been fighting since he was 13 (we are 23). I asked if it had anything to do with me and he replied ‘no, you are perfect and are doing everything right’.

    He didn’t want help. No therapy, no medication. He felt he was just happy being grumpy. He’s a stubborn cowboy. I spent this last week seeking help for myself on how to cope with this, and how to help him.

    Three days after this conversation. He texted me in the morning, said he’s still feeling sad and he doesn’t know how to explain. He said he wanted to breakup because he was not happy at this point in his life, and he is going to move to a place thats about a 10 hour drive from home. He told nobody he was doing this. It was a rash decision, but he felt thats what he needed.

    He shared with me that he even thought about ending his life. He felt nothing. He was numb. In a matter of days, he went from talking about rings, to no longer see a future with me, he could no longer have feelings for me. Meanwhile, i’m in love with this man thinking we are going to be married one day soon.

    He had mentioned there have been girlfriends and friends in his past that have tried to help but it never worked. He thought the only option there is is to leave town, live a “sad and misserable life’ on his own.

    I feel sick. I can’t go 2 minutes with out crying. I can’t breathe with out him here. I want him to find happiness and if thats not here then so be it. But the fact that he drove away this morning and left everything behind, crushes me in a way I didn’t know I could feel.

    I’m worried he will move up there now and do something stupid to hurt himself. Im worried he’ll never find happiness. Obviously all I want his for him to stay. But I also know that selfishly I can’t live with someone who’s hardly even half in.

    I know we are young; but how am I supposed to let this be? I want to help. I want to be with him so bad. But he’s gone. He’s so far gone.

    How can I cope with this weight?

    • Anonymous says:

      Hey there, I can’t believe I’m reading your post. You are exactly where I was a month ago. The exact same thing happened to me last month when my fiancé abruptly left me and claimed he was depressed. Turns out he had done this before as well. For you my dear, I would like to give you this advice: Time will heal all wounds. Know that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. And while I do not know your individual situation, I know that regardless of the specifics, you deserve more. You deserve love. You deserve someone who wants you to be happy. Invest that love you have for him into yourself and into helping others who aren’t making you chase them, whether they be human or a four-legged friend. True love is unconditional and bonds us throughout the fabric of space. Know that should you ever lose anyone dear to you for any reason, that the love you shared will always exist. Do not mourn that which will always be a part of you. But still allow for yourself to heal from this traumatic experience. There will be highs and lows in this journey, but I assure you that you will find out that the love you needed was within you this entire time. And I share this message with all others on this post who have gone through something similar. Sending everyone love and strength.

    • Anon says:

      Hello dear girl. I’m so so sorry you have to feel this pain. I have felt it and it really is so overwhelmingly hopelessly sad. Sending you huge hugs. One thing that really helped me in my healing process was when I was able to accept that Depression was part of the picture. For me, knowing that there was an illness at play freed me from trying to understand and rationalize what had happened. I know it’s really hard, when there is no closure, no explanation, no warning….but trying to rationalize an irrational illness is truly pointless. This was not your fault. There is nothing you could have done or said or tried that would have changed things. This is an illness that he will have to work through and all you can do now is focus on yourself. If you haven’t already, head over to the Depression Fallout Board – there is such an amazing community there and sometimes it’s a bit easier to find support than coming back to this site. But this site is also a fantastic window into the illness. The next month will be the hardest, but it will get better. Rearrange the furniture in your room. Delete all your message history so you don’t keep reading over it. Silence and no contact is hard but honestly honestly will make your life so much easier. Timetable your days like crazy. Lean on your friends and your family. Don’t blame yourself.

  9. Megan says:

    My ex started being out of character three months ago and just broke up with me a month ago. We were friends before our relationship and dated almost one year. Now, I believe that he may have depression as my experience with him shows a lot of signs with depression. This post sounds familiar with what had happened to us. Now, I am not entirely sure what is the right thing to do.

    My ex is a clingy person and likes to spend time with me. When we finally were able to spend time together after a long-distance, he distanced himself despite he mentioned how he missed me and feeling sad, not able to see me a lot due to pandemic. We became easier to argue (nothing dramatic just very short) than before. Mostly, he ignored me and being cold to me, which was very different from before. These mixed messages made me confused. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t know what had happened to him. He also said he didn’t want to be mad at me all the time. I had a feeling I am always walking on eggshell as he sometimes got mad suddenly. But, I believed things will get better so I never mention leaving him.

    Due to pandemic, school and pressure from family and career, he is growing through a lot. I realized he was really upset and struggling. He has low self-esteem and under stress a lot. The most obvious sign I realized he is not okay is one time he called me and keep repeating “everything is difficult and painful” in a very broken way (at 1 am I think). So, at that time, I believed some external help is needed. But, later after this incident, he seems okay, happy and willing to talk to me regularly. Well, later on, he ignored me again and ended the relationship later. The reason he gave me for the breakup is he does not want to waste my time anymore. I didn’t get to discuss with him in-depth as he seems reluctant for a conversation even though our social media is still open to each other. We only exchanged some text. I expressed he needs support, I can be there for him and he does not need to leave me because of his struggles. But, he repeats he does not want to waste my time. I didn’t mention we can be friends at the time we broke up because I was heartbroken.

    So, I am trying to get through this alone without closure. I reached out to a family member to check if he is okay. Surprisingly, she did not realize anything abnormal and mentioned he acted normal the whole time. My thoughts and mental health started going downhill after this information. He seems very stress and upset in front of me? His relationship with his family seems close but why did they not realize anything? Am I making up stuff that he is not depressed? But, I know he loves me and cares for me when I processed this rationally.

    This is painful for me. I didn’t ask him to stay for me because he seems reluctant for a conversation. Also, as I suspect he has depression, I tried to handle this carefully. It is devasting for me to lose him as we were in a great relationship. So, now I am struggling with all of the negative thoughts and heartbroken for losing sound a nice person. Currently, I am just planning to stay no contact. But I don’t know what is the right thing to do. I know I need to move on and take care of myself as I am very unhappy now. So thanks for listening to my story. Any insight is also welcome.

    • Bec says:

      Hi Megan,
      Just wanted to say I feel what you’re going through and I’m sorry, and my situation is similar. Except you handled it really well and I think you probably gave yourself the best chance at a chance with him again if that’s what you want.
      I couldn’t do no contact for the first week and think I made things so much worse despite all I wanted was to fix things and show him how much he means to me. Didn’t work. He needed time.
      So I tried no contact properly but caved after less than 3 weeks and got no response. I should have given him a lot longer probably. I also had/have no idea what’s best but I just thought surely telling him I’m thinking about him and asking how he’s doing is ok, and surely he needs to know I still care as maybe he needs someone checking on him I really don’t know. And surely if he cares about me still he will answer even briefly. But no. So I have no answers and may have made things worse again.

      I guess a long time for us could be nowhere near enough time for them, so maybe that’s my only advice to keep that up in case you contacting him feels like intrusion to him.
      I hope you get a new chance

      • Megan says:

        Thanks, Bec. I don’t think you screw up at all. You have also shown him support and care, which is very sweet of you. They need more time and space than we think. I hope you are doing well.

        So, a little update about my situation. He solved the issues with school and employment but never reached out to me. I always have the feeling that he will come back to me after he solved his problem, so I got really sad knowing this update through social media. Maybe, he is still overwhelmed and doesn’t progress much internally. I am worried he is struggling with something more tricky and can’t open up to other people.

        I totally agree with it has been a long time for us but not for them. I reached out after one month of no contact. I just wish him well and let him know I will be there for him if he needs me. He questioned me why am I still doing this. He thinks he has been terrible to me in the relationship and also dumping me. I really want to hug him and remind him the good things I have experienced.

        Anyway, I hope one day he will talk to me. I miss him. I hope there is another chance but I won’t count on it because it is kinda devastating for me waiting for nothing. So, I am trying to stay strong and be patient 🙂

  10. Julius says:

    Hello!
    My ex gf left me after a mostly wonderful 7 year relationship; her departure was triggered once I held her accountable for treating me like crap when she was inebriated. We had terrible communication and she held some dark thoughts that she never communicated. As soon as I got close to be emotionally intimate with her, she held me in contempt and detached from me. I really was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her even though she often acted more like a companion then a partner. She texted me after 3 months of separation and we talked about our mutual love for each other but she still vehement denies her depression / alcohol indulgence. I don’t know what to do when someone you love is in denial of depression; I can’t fathom a life where she isn’t my wife but I know I can’t simply be accommodating. She also becomes arrogant which is really offputting. Lost as to what my next step should be. Thank You!

    • Anonymous says:

      Depression or alcoholic?

    • Anonymous says:

      Did you have kids with her and still in contact? Did she change since then after you’ve broken up?
      Reminiscing about good memory about your relationship often happen after no contact. It makes them miss the person and the relationship but it does not mean that its healthy to get back together just because of it. The problem is still there, not recognising her depression/ alcohol indulgence.
      I dont think anything will change if she denies all of it and the problem will still continue even if you get together. You will go back into rough patch and a cycle of the same scenario. Its not healthy for her and for you. If needed, move on and leave her alone. Accept that she has to decide the course of her life. It may take years or more before she finally able to accept that she has depression and decide to change her life for good. She will only treat it as part of her personality and deny if you keep pushing the idea that she has one.
      As for you, you have an attachment with her avoidant personality and it keeps you interested to chase her due to your anxious attachment. It wont let you move on and be happy. Fixing her isnt love, letting her go is. Move on and find happiness that doesnt require you to fix everything for the person. They will get help if they need to and recognise it. Cheers.
      Are you in another relationship or single still? Nourish and improve yourself or the new relationship you are trying to build. Hanging on the past will not let you both move on. Continue with another chapter if needed. You missing out on TRUE LOVE if you keep attaching your emotion on the past. Give your self time to grieve and see that this woman will find her TRUE HAPPINESS and LOVE in someone that will make her change without asking them to.

    • Anonymous2020 says:

      Hi, sorry to hear what you have been going through.
      Honestly, you are in a difficult position here. Convincing her that there is something wrong with her will likely make her pull away even more. Right now, she would be thinking that its just part of her personality to detach to someone and think it is normal because she has been this way to everyone and no one told her that it is wrong.
      In 3 months separation, did you guys do NO CONTACT RULE? which allows them to think life without you? It is common that your ex will miss you and contact you. It allows your ex gf to miss the mutual love and seek the most comforting feeling during this time.
      Getting back with her varies if she has changed for a better or not. As I read your story it seems she has not changed at all and become arrogant. Her depression tendencies will still be there and you will be in a cycle of separation and getting back together. It will just wear you both out and no growth in this relationship at all.
      It is up to her to seek help when she is ready to recognise her depression and alcohol indulgence. It may take years or more, who knows. But are you willing to wait that long for a chance to get back together? it is really up to your decision.

  11. Sydney says:

    I met my ex back back in February and we hit it off instantly. He had told me some things that were going on in his life that he thought would have me running (mother passing, family issues, health issues, no job) but I still stayed. We wanted to see each other constantly and I felt like I really found someone I could see things with.

    Quarantine hits and we decided he would stay with me. During that time it felt like he had always been there, we meshed well and cohabitate wonderfully. Even after quarantine was lifted he still stayed, almost 5 months in total. In that time I supported him with his doctor visits and his toxic family. I made sure he ate and wanted to provide an environment for him that he felt could be a second base for him. At one doctor visit they recommended he take antidepressants. I think it really started to help him improve and he agreed, albeit with some effects. Sex started to become an issue and I brought it to his attention.

    While it was an issue we worked through it, but it always seemed like he was melancholy most days or had trouble concentrating, but did make the effort to give me affection.

    Though things seemed off after. He finally found a remote job and his whole routine really didn’t include me. He wakes up and tries to do work, he might eat, smokes, I make dinner for us, smokes, plays his game, and watches his show. I simply existed around him. It got to the point where I felt like I had to ask to hangout because me made little effort.

    During our whole time being together he has expressed that I’m his favorite person, I’m special, a genuine, warm and loving person. That he values me as a whole and that I have good energy.

    This past Sunday I found out he was moving out. I guess in my mind I thought he would want to move in permanently and must have missed details where he said it was official he found a place. I truly regret not saying anything about that. Before I left for work that day he told me that he wasn’t honest about his test results when he got a CT scan done. They had highly recommended counseling and felt he was at risk. He told me that he’s been on a slow decline since the sex incident and that he had stopped taking his antidepressants. He said he should be locked up in a padded room and that he has no emotions anymore. Just obsessive thoughts about past traumas he doesn’t want to accept.

    I was blown away that after everything we had been through, he couldn’t tell me this. Later that night we spoke, but it wasn’t any better. Then next morning I was a mess, sobbing like someone had died. His words felt so cold and emotionless. He told me that he would see me later, but I knew deep down it wasn’t true. He didn’t even tell me where his new apartment was. I know that he was on his way to collect things from his family and that was going to be a huge scene, but I had no idea who I was talking to anymore.

    The next few days I’ve barely heard from him and had to start conversations. His texts are short and vague. He’s told me that he’s essentially hit rock bottom. He’s truly unhappy at his core but that he’s “fine”. He said that the past two years he had nothing but bad things happen, but I feel like he’s using that as a self-fulfilling prophecy. He no longer feels anything and doesn’t care about anyone or life itself and that he’s changed. He said he killed off the person I knew and that he will never change, that this is it now.

    I’ve begged him to get help or to take medication and that this isn’t normal. He says he values my perspective and advice, but won’t take it. I personally battle with depression and I understand where he’s coming from, but I’m truly concerned at this point.

    He goes back and forth on what he wants from me. I ask him if he cares about me and I get “I do” or if he wants to be with me and it’s “yes”. Everything is so terse. I finally called him yesterday and it was heartbreaking. He says that he has no room in his heart to give me love and that he can’t give me the bare minimum that I ask for (for him to talk to me and want to see me). I begged for him to see me later this week but his response was so wish washy “man I don’t know , this is weird now” one minute it’s yes and then a few minutes later it’s no. He can’t tell me what he wants, but that I’m still specially to him and that he cares about me.

    I told him I would be willing to wait for him if he wanted to take time to work on himself, but he told me there’s nothing to change, this is his life now and he can’t be the person that I fell in love with. He says he wants me in his life, but I don’t know what to do. I want so desperately for him to wake up and realize he made a mistake, for him to want to be with me and to confront his issues rather than let the void take him. What was once him enamored with me turned into him telling me that I care more about him than he does me.

    I know that he’s a good person and that he deserves so much more, but he tells me I just put him on a pedestal and that he’s a shitty person. I’ve seen firsthand how generous and caring he is, and it pains me to see him as someone that truly doesn’t care about anyone or himself. He’ll says things that makes it seems like he’s realizes he has to work on his problems alone and that I can’t be his champion, but then tries to shove it in my face that everything is futile. That he’s not strong enough this tome and I have to accept that.

    I’m watching someone I love destroy themselves and I don’t know what to do. I truly want to make this work and be with him. I feel like I’ll always want more than a friend. I keep telling myself that maybe I should take a step back and just let him work on him self, and maybe he’ll want to make things work again. He said we were great together and and none of this is my fault. I just don’t know how you can do this to someone you care so much about and hold on a high regard. I wonder if I’m deluding myself at this point. I just feel horrible and alone. I went from having someone I deeply care about at home with me everyday for months and now they’re gone and I don’t know where they are.

    Even hypothetically if he decided to work on himself, I would hope that he would want to try again with me, but I don’t know if he feels the same way despite ironically having me on a pedestal. It’s only been a few days but I can’t stop crying. It hurts so much.

    • Amber says:

      It’s actually so scary how similar our situations are. If I had an answer I’d give it to you, but sadly I’m stuck in the same boat. I don’t know what to do or what I should even do. He hasn’t left but I have a feeling it’s coming.

      • Rebecca says:

        I am in the same situation as well. We had gotten some communication back and I had suggested maybe a walk (as I know he’s been seeing his family and other friends for runs/walks) but he’s gone completely silent. It has been hard dealing with huge things here that he has no knowledge about and thus not having any support. I don’t know what to do either. He has said that when I got upset weeks ago that was the icing on the cake. He had been dealing with family issues, a friend who had tried to commit suicide and other things, but he had consistently said I was not the problem. He has also said that in the past when his depression has gotten to be too much that he does push everyone away. But now I don’t know what to think or do and it upsets me greatly, we are also currently in lockdown which doesn’t help either. He did say that if he wanted to leave the relationship or had any issues etc that he would tell me and nothing has been said but it just feels like he’s not there. I wish I could help you.

        • Shmelly says:

          In the almost exact same situation as both above. I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now. My probably somewhat cold sounding advice to you? Cut contact for a while. I’ve spent 2 months trying – from a distance because my now ex boyfriend went abroad for a while – to understand this push pull dynamic. Leaving him with space. Then asking what he wants. Says he wants me in his life. Then avoids me at all costs. Makes excuses not to be in touch. Eventually he just changed his number and didn’t tell me. I hate him for this and have suffered depression too. And I’ve never treated someone this way. Sometimes I think we give guys too much credit. Depression is a killer and is a disease, but these men still have some agency. You can’t help or support someone who does not want it.

          I told my now ex how his actions had affected me. And how I had put him first. And tried to give him space. But he was being contradictory, unfair and uncommunicative and that it had had a significant impact on my mental health. I told him I could take it no more. That I was out. And that he needed to get help, deal with his problems and come back to me if he was in need of serious help (as a friend). The good person I knew is gone. And I don’t think he’ll come back so I’d say cut your losses, grieve and mourn and help yourself first and foremost. If he comes back, protect yourself whilst trying to have compassion for the other person.

          There’s nothing else you can do. I’m now mired in my own almost incapacitating depression as a result of trying to support someone who behaved hurtfully and I can only blame depression. But deep down, yes, I believe even people with depression can take some agency for helping themselves. They just have to realise it – you sink or float. If these guys come back to you, they will. What’s for you wont pass you. Sorry if this sounds callous. It’s uninentional. I love my ex so much. But he cannot reciprocate whilst he’s under a depression. Cut loose and have some compassion for yourself. You’re not on earth as a support human. You’re a person too.

          • Cooper says:

            It took me longer to get there, but I share your perspective. I sent a final letter to my X stating her behavior towards me was so out of line as to be horrifying. I concluded my letter simply stating the person for whom I’d fallen so hard “passed away” and that I’ll always mourn that passing.

            It’s very hard to make sense of any of it, but I’ve come to believe depression kills the person for whom most of us were so committed. Like your advice states, I think most will do better by moving on and trying to find love with someone else.

          • Shmelly says:

            Sorry Cooper – there’s no ‘reply’ button to your post so I’ll write a short response here. I’m sorry to hear this. I feel for your experience. I think with depression there’s an element of sunk cost fallacy. You want to believe the person you invested so much in emotionally is still there. So you stick it out for longer. But I’ve experienced relationships with depressed men before, one became emotionally abusive til I was a shell of myself and another became physically abusive when I tried to properly end the relationship. I do think there’s an element of agency in this, as I said above. It isn’t what we may want to hear, so I’m glad you wrote a letter. I did too. I think it is hard to be honest because you know the other person is in pain and you don’t want to pile pain upon pain but people should hear that they have the capacity to hurt people, when they are also hurting. I’ve hurt people and know it and have sought help – spent my meagre wages on therapy and pills in a bid to be better, not just for my own benefit, but for the people I love. It is entirely possible for people to do this, if they can afford and have the will. Some people’s life circumstances make this really hard, I understand – I’ve had an easy life and had little trauma so easy for me to say. As the cliche goes, maybe it takes ‘rock bottom’ before people realise their actions hurt themselves and others. Then maybe there’s going to be a ‘right time’ when they can be in a relationship they can give to.

            I’ve offered everythign to my ex, support from afar, going to see him where he went abroad for a couple of months, giving space – I’d do pretty much anything. Ultimately his actions spoke pretty loudly, and were so disrespectful. He didn’t talk about depression, his current circumstances are pretty dire, traumatic even and he expressed last time we spoke that he needed anti-depressants because he felt like he was losing it. All the care in the world, and all the bending to his needs and desires didn’t really work, because he had lost respect for me – a whole person – and lost interest in communicating, being responsive. He had turned cold, a completely different person to the one I had gotten to know. I wrote him a letter too. I’m now – over a week later – caught between intense guilt at abandoning him in a time of need (when actually, he abandoned me and crossed a clear line of disrespect by changing his contact number) and fury that I allowed him to disrespect me so clearly to sadness that he was not the person I had gotten to know, to feeling foolish that perhaps he’s just a bad person and I’ve been ‘had’. Then I get panicked because I get scared he is going to commit suicide, and I don’t want to abandon him completely because I believe deep down he is a good person with a complicated life in adverse circumstances – made worse by the pandemic.

            In other words…it’s a rollercoaster. I think though, there is no excuse in the world for treating someone in, as you say, a ‘horrifying’ way and hope you can learn to trust again. I, for one, am finding it hard to think about trusting because this behaviour from the men I meet is so repetitive, and I thought this time I had broken the pattern and had met someone optimistic, forward thinking, communicative and respectful. It’s hard innit

          • Bec says:

            Hi Shmelly.
            Wow I relate to what you’re saying so much
            I think you’ve had a much tougher ride and respect for handling it as best you could.
            My partner and I also had several weeks of a confusing dynamic, for us we were still together but he was pushing me away so much and acting like he was punishing me for something, being cold, then trying again and being sweet and caring again.
            Not breaking up with me but not telling me he didn’t want to either. He was just lost and I wasn’t his priority anymore I guess. I also would have done anything for him.

            I don’t think he did too much wrong, a few horrible nights where he left me feeling fully unvaluable but I could forgive them in hindsight when he divulged more of his suffering and not coping.
            But except the pulling away and stopping communication.. I don’t think it’s right. We’ve ended it on him needing an indefinite amount of space away from me and it’s so confusing and hurtful.
            I also go back and forth constantly between understanding he needs this time and blaming myself for what’s happened, to blaming him for wrecking it by stopping communication cos how can any relationship go on if there’s no communication…
            I get angry at him for how could he possibly ignore my messages (both before we broke up and shortly after, until I started no contact) when I’m clearly hurting and trying to fix things… How can he treat me with no care or respect as to ignore me entirely when we’ve been so close for so long, partners..
            and then I go back to being angry at myself for pushing him when he didn’t need any extra stress or pressures.

            In all I feel for him and think he’s so lost himself at the moment that he doesn’t mean it and probably wouldn’t have broken up if it wasn’t for me pushing.
            So I blame myself more than him. Much more.

            But I do wonder if I need to put more responsibility on him.. don’t you have a responsibility to your partner, as an intelligent adult that supposedly cares deeply for this person..
            don’t you have some obligations towards them. To include them and not damage them like this.

            I also have had this kind of thing happen before more than once. and this was the time I really truly felt I had genuine caring partner with a future. I’m devastated too and can only hope I can find the strength you have and can turn to myself in the coming months and try to help myself past this.

            Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I agree there is more agency even in depression as I have been there myself, but then it’s different for everyone, and also men seem to do this much more and be able to go cold in a way women can’t.
            Life is unfair.
            Hope you’re doing well and would love to hear an update if you’re still on this forum.

    • Shannon says:

      Wow, I’m in a very similar situation. I met my ex boyfriend in October of 2018, and we were together from November that year until March of this year. So about a year and a half together, and it was beautiful. I was with him through boot camp and all of the emotional and physical stress it caused him, and he constantly told me how much he loved me, would never leave me, and wanted to be with me forever. I love him so incredibly much.
      But he moved away to another state for a job in January of this year (2020), and broke up with me in March. He was miserable in this new state with his new job & living situation, but tried to keep it covered. I could tell something was wrong though. He had a terrible childhood and he deals with depressive episodes to this day. He self harms and falls into states where he can’t find any hope. Well this happened because of how unhappy he was over these few months away. He was depressed, which made him push everyone away because that’s his instinct. So he broke up with me.
      I was absolutely broken but told him I’d be here for him and I will always love him. But I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever get a second chance with him since he was now in a completely different state and I didn’t know if I’d be able to get through to him. Well he reached out to me mid-August, because he had moved back to my city and said he realized he made a mistake breaking up with me and that he wants me in his life.
      He said he’d like to try a relationship again in the future once he “gets his life together” and I believe him. After he broke up with me and was still living in another state, he had started self harming again and was in a dark place. He made the decision to come home because he was so unhappy. And I was the first person he visited when he came home. It made me feel like he still cares.
      But now we’ve been talking and seeing each other occasionally since mid-August. When we’re together, he tells me how special I am and treats me as though we’re still in a relationship. He says I’m his favorite person and says almost everything he said when we were together. But I can tell he’s still unhappy and struggling because he feels lost in life. One week, we’ll hang out and things will be amazing and I’ll have so much hope in our relationship, and the next he will go cold on me and disappear. I will text & call him every couple days, but he usually won’t answer for a few days at least. When this happens, he comes back and apologizes saying he was in a dark place and just wanted to isolate himself. And because I know that he struggles with his mental health, I believe that this is the case.
      Unless our entire 1 and a half year relationship before was a lie, I truly believe that he still cares about me & loves me, but is struggling mentally. I see the best in him even at his worst, but when I try to tell him this he thinks I’m lying or giving him too much credit. He just can’t seem to see the good in himself or life. He’s isolating himself and he pushes me away, and it’s hard not to feel like he just wants me out of his life. But if that were the case, he wouldn’t have reached back out to me when he moved home and he wouldn’t continue talking to me and telling me he cares.
      I just really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at a loss and I’m constantly anxious about his well-being when he doesn’t respond to me for days. It’s so hard. And as the over thinker I am, I often let my insecurities get the best of me and tell me he never cared and he’s just lying to me. But in my gut, I don’t feel that is true. I believe his struggle, but I don’t know how to help. And I just can’t keep living like this. Cutting him out of my life is definitely not an option at this point because I still care about him so much and see so much potential. It’s just hard. I trust he cares and that he’s not just lying to me, but it’s so frustrating when I feel like nothing I do is helping and he keeps pushing me away. I never know when he’ll suddenly start isolating himself again, and when he does I just have to wait for it to pass and trust that he will reach out again when he feels better.

      • Sydney says:

        I want to reply to everyone but I can’t. So I’ll just reply to yours and hope everyone sees it.

        After many texts back and forth over the past month, he finally admitted that he’s still grieving for his mother. He wants vengeance against his dad and brother and it’s consuming him. He said he still cares about me, but he said that he can’t love someone in the state he’s in. I told him that I love him deeply, and that I always will. I’ll be here when he’s ready.

        I hope one day he reaches out to me. I see him with other people and it hurts, but he told me that they don’t push him, they don’t know him, and that they think everything is fine.

        I want to reach back out in a few months, just to let him know I’m still thinking of him and that I believe in him. That if he needs me I’m here.

        I hope one day we can be together again. He was amazing to be with and treated me so well before this. I’m sure when we met he was in the denial stage of grief and I think towards the end he hit depression. Now he’s in anger.

      • Bec says:

        I’m so sorry you’re going through that…After the wonderful thing of him coming back to you, to be back in such a difficult situation. I’m sure be loves you and isn’t lying but maybe he’s not capable of being a partner at the moment m not what you want to hear I know, it’s something out of your control. I just hope he gets himself help though. And that would give you guys a better chance. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

  12. Beth J. says:

    I need your help, please! It’s kinda killing me that my boyfriend talks to my female friend while we are on a break and not communicating much.
    Should I ask her not to talk to him? Will I come out as insecure? Or should I just trust him and stop thinking about it? I do know God has a plan and I believe in Him.

  13. Jaim says:

    My lover of almost three years dumped me last week. Ive never seem him cry so much. He seemed so confused. He said he loves me cares about me but I deserve someone better. He says he mightve said years ago hed move in/ or marry me but he said now hes changed. He said hes always seen himself alone and not with anyone. Like to himself. But hes also said hes been getting more depressed as time moves. I really do think it’s quarantine messing with him. All this time to think its harmful. But what if im wrong and its just me. But none of this makes sense. He said our compatibility is great and it isn’t anything i did. He said he just feels he makes me upset all the time. I only said lately he has but I understand his distance isn’t personal. I wish i communicated more and fought more but i just was so upset. He hugged me goodbye and said i can still message him and we will see eachother at friend gatherings but this feels so wrong. I cant sleep this makes no sense to me. I love him so much. I hope he loves me too. I messaged him that day he broke up how “i dont know if i can live a life without you in it” he replied the next day saying “youll see me again” im just so lost i dont know whether to give him space or if i should fight for this. Or help him. He didnt like the idea of therapy or just didnt really reply to it. I just feel like my whole relationship was a lie. We never argued and had such good chemistry. I feel so played

    • Marilena says:

      I am in exactly the same situation. We were together for 3 years and the last year we were living together. We passed through a lot of difficult situations together. I am sure that the most stress is coming from his job (he works in the family company and this year was the first time he took all the responsibilities and it’s not something he could handle). From April he started to take distances from all of us. Me, our friends, hist friends. The quarantine and the months after it were not good for any of us. I was working from home, so I didn’t see many people and he felt responsible for making me feel better. At the same time, he couldn’t fine any joy on anything, he couldn’t get off the bed and as he said “I wake up and I just wait for the moment to be back at bed”. All these 3 years we had 3 fights. During our vacations, I pushed him to do a few things together, we fought and when I came back after a 9-hours discussion, he was convinced that we should not be together. He is being terrified in the idea for not seeing me again. The same night he called me in a terrible mood and we spent 2 hours in the phone, same the day after. And the we found out that our dog is not well and we saw each other for a few hours. I was so relieved. It is also very diffcult for him to live without me, he misses me very much but he thinks that for now he need to stay away. And he doesn;t want to give any promises for the future. It;s amazing, how quick all of these happen. One month ago we were planning a lot of things and now I am without house. I feel exactly the same way with you.

  14. Mary says:

    I need help, i dont know what to do, my bf is lost and feels dead and last night he broke up with me saying “its good for u im scared i ruin ur dreams or stop u from finishing school” and right now im tryna speak to him telling him how much i care about him but he shits me out, he keeps saying he is going to eat or comes online onto whatsapp but ignores my messages, i cant lose him he is my beacon of hope but he says “I need to figure this out alone” and while he is doing that it seems like he is destroying the feelings he has for me, he doesnt respond much maybe 3 words when i send a paragraph, he blames himself and i wan do something but its like i dont exist

    • Shannon says:

      Hi, I went through a similar situation back in March. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me because he felt that he was holding me back and that he needed to be single to focus on himself. He had a bad childhood with bad relationships and struggles with depression because of that.
      But the hope I can offer you is that when he broke up with me in March, I decided to just leave him alone. It absolutely killed me not to reach out to him and let him know I was there for him constantly. But I left him a final message saying that I still care about him and I’m here for him, and I stayed away until the beginning of this month (August). I did not reach out to him, and it was so hard. I thought about him every single day and I was searching the internet for answers, but couldn’t find any because I forgot to factor in his depression.
      Finally, at the beginning of August he reached out to me one night, and it was totally unexpected. I didn’t know if I’d ever hear from him again, and I was losing hope after months of no contact. But he did reach out. And he apologized for how he treated me when we broke up (he ghosted me and couldn’t give me and sound answers on why he wanted to break up). He told me that I am one of the best people he’s ever met, and he was wrong for breaking up with me out of nowhere and treating me the way he did.
      He says that he would like to remain in each other’s lives as friends for the time being, because he is still trying to figure his life out. He’s in the process of moving and getting a new job. But he says he is much happier now and doesn’t feel as depressed and miserable as he was feeling when he decided to break up. He says it was nothing I did or said, and it was not because he didn’t love me. It was his bad living situation and his worsening depression because of that.
      But he’s back in my life, and I trust that it is for good reason. When people struggle with depression (men especially), their instinct is often to push the people they care about away because they don’t want anyone to see them so bad off. And if that’s what he wants or needs right now, it is best to let him have it. I would advise doing what I did – leave him a kind and heartfelt message about how much you care, and then leave it at that. Unless he reaches out to you, don’t engage with him for a few weeks at least. In my case, it was about 5 months, but sooner could be appropriate if you feel the need to reach out to him. He likely just feels like a burden and needs space. And if he does care about you and you believe that he really does love you, then he will likely come back when he feels ready. Just leave the door open for him. You got this!

      • Anonymous says:

        would you expand on your final conversations. My experience is very similar, and I’m just curious what sort of explanation, if any, you did receive. My X just ended things with a brief call telling me she needed to get back on track and didn’t recognize herself and then a text that we weren’t on the same page.

        • Shannon says:

          Hello, sorry I am late to respond to your question. But basically, me ex broke up with me back in March with a quick phone call as well (we were long distance at the time) and he told me he needed to grow up by himself and he just wasn’t happy. He was in a very toxic living situation and was struggling with depression. But I felt like maybe he was really gone forever, and so I tried to leave him alone and pretend to move on even though I was still deeply in love with him. And still am.

          Our final conversations back in March were brief and painful. He cried on the phone but didn’t want to give me further explanation, he just told me he wanted to break up because it wasn’t fair for me. He also said that maybe someday we could get back together, but for now he needs space. That could have just been letting me down easy, but he truly was struggling with his mental health and I honestly trust that this was the main reason behind the breakup. Because up until the moment we broke up, our relationship was loving and comfortable. But I could tell that he was unhappy with his living situation & job.

          Anyways, he was very short with me at the end of our relationship. I tried to talk to him for a week or so after the breakup, but realized it wasn’t worth it because he had closed himself off and didn’t want to talk about it. So I left him alone and didn’t talk to him until August. He reached out to me because he realized he was unhappy and moved back to my city.

          He is back in my life now and I can tell he’s still struggling with his mental health. It’s hard. When he first came back, he said he wants me in his life and would like to try a relationship again someday. We hang out every couple weeks, and he always treats me as though we’re still in a relationship. But he is still distant and seems unhappy with his life. I think he’s still struggling with depression (he had a hard childhood, so it’s not something that will just go away). But he is back in my life and tells me he’s not just going to leave again. It’s just hard to believe when he says things like that but acts so distant. Maybe I just don’t fully understand because I don’t have depression myself, and my personal instinct when I’m struggling is to reach out for help. But he is the opposite. He closes himself off to everyone and can’t see the light.

          I trust him and still love him though, just as much as I always have. I feel that he and I are somehow meant to be in each other’s lives because we get along so well and the love we share(d) was absolutely beautiful. My gut tells me that he is being honest and still sincerely cares about me, but he just needs to work on himself and hopefully feel better.

          So if you’re dealing with an ex partner who struggles with mental illness or maybe is just pushing you away, the only solution in my mind is to try to give them time but before you do, make sure you let them know you are there for them. If you care about your ex like I do mine, you’ll understand that the love can’t just be killed. Especially when you feel like this person is meant to be in your life for a long, long time. You have to fight for her, but the way to do that (especially towards the beginning of the breakup and for at least a couple months afterwards) is by giving her space. It gives her the option to come back, and I think then if she does, you know she meant it. And if you want to give it a second chance, then go for it. I just warn you that if she struggles with her mental health, IT WILL NOT BE EASY. And there’s possibly no way to ensure you can be together again. But I am personally making sure that my ex knows I’m here for him, and when he isolates himself, I try to both give him space while also checking in on him so he knows I haven’t forgotten him. I wish you the best, and I hope things work out for the both of us.

          • Anonymous says:

            I really appreciate the perspective. The hardest part for me is that I’ve been learning on the fly. As such, I’ve made a lot of mistakes …really just too much contact trying to support her with the undestanding she was not herself. There is a component of really being worried about a former partner until one fully understands it’s better to just walk away and either wait or go live a new life.

            I don’t foresee her coming back into my life, but it was interesting recently to get a glimpse of some social media posts by her family. I’m the only person who’s ever appeared alongside her in nearly a decade’s worth of pictures. Her smile and glow was so much different with me than any other pic posted. It really is hard to understand how the switch could flip so fast, but it also gives me hope she might someday remember the smile I put on her face despite all the mistakes I made along the way.

            Of course, the pics also underscore how harsh mental illness can be that someone would be willing to walk away from so much happiness to just really be with him or herself.

  15. jamie says:

    This was so helpful to read – my boyfriend is dealing with depression and it has, at times, had a major impact on our relationship. We are currently doing long distance and almost like clockwork he checks out ever 3-4 months and just gets incredibly low. I can always tell because he gets extremely hard to get a hold of and when I do reach him he alternates between blaming me for aspects of his depression and apologizing for putting me through it. I love him dearly and feel his depressive episodes aren’t at all representative of his true nature. It’s so tough sometimes!

  16. Stacey says:

    We broke up 3 weeks ago after a very rocky few months due to lockdown.

    He pulled away and went days with not speaking and our interactions went from care free to forced and mechanical. On good days he would be the most wonderful, supportive partner who listened to my troubles or celebrated our success.

    The worst part of our story was that he didn’t lean on me to tell me how he was feeling but instead leant on another woman (who then fell in love with him). I tried to work through the break in trust even though it hurt to even imagine how much they must have been connected for that level of feeling to develop.

    But I stayed through it all because I felt that his depression was at the root of it all.

    After another few days of no contact, I called him to ask him if he was okay. He tried to pretend that he was and I asked again. With a pause he admitted that he hasn’t been able to feel anything months and he thinks it was time to call an end to our relationship.

    I’ve never experienced an ending that was so sad. He was in tears from beginning to end and kept saying he just couldn’t be with anyone because his life was just not where he wanted it to be. How can you argue with that if you love someone?

    I’ve instigated no contact because it feels like my heart has broken. I love(d) every complex layer of him.

    But I am struggling with respecting his motives. I’m angry that he took the chance to discuss our options and so worried because I know he is struggling.

    I messaged his brother after we broke up, just so there was someone there to check in on him. Even he admitted that my ex was not in the right headspace for a relationship and he was concerned.

    Over the past few days he has liked a few social media posts and then unfollowed me. I want to reach out to see if my ex is okay. To test the water and see if we breathe life back in to our relationship. I feel so selfish for even contemplating it but it feels wrong to just stop trying to be supportive.

  17. Daisy says:

    Hey! My boyfriend is depressed and we took a break in June and it’s now August and he broke up with me I asked him if he still has feelings for me and he said “kind of but there being drowned out by other emotions” “we’re not on a break, we broke up” and “I can’t handle any romantic relationship at the moment” I’m in love with him and I don’t know what to say to get him back. What should I do? We’ve been dating for 6 months friends for 4. Please I just want him back.

    • LilyLK says:

      Hello lovely Daisy. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I really truly am. It’s such an awful reality to be stuck with. I think the only thing you can do (that will be better for your health, better for his health, and better for any potential future reconciliation) is to focus on your own healing. Try to find peace within yourself and so that in the future when love crosses your path again (be that him or someone else), you are strong and stable and ready for it. Depending on what your own boundaries are, you could let him know that you still love and support him, but respect his need for solitude. Then I think the best path forward is to contact him as little as possible. It sounds like you both need to give each other space, and you can’t do that if you are virtually connected. Best of luck to you and hang in there.

      • Daisy says:

        Can I get him back?

        • Lp says:

          So my story:

          Was with my ex for 2 years, she’s 27 and lives with her parents.. im 29 live alone about 50 min away.

          Things were going great for us until about 2 or 3 weeks ago when she said she felt bad as she didn’t miss me anymore. Said she didn’t feel the same, spark gone and other things so wanted space as she said j was a bit needy too. So i gave her space and was quiet, she then became needy, said she loved me, missed me and afraid of losing me to another girl. The next day she wanted to break up with me as her head wasn’t in it and she wanted a clear break without speaking. That same night she then messaged me to say that shes spoken with her mom and that she will seek help for panic attacks and depression as shes at breaking point and doesnt know why. She said it could be due to being off work for so long as she loves her job and needs structure in her life. Her mom even told me this isn’t the first time shes been like this, and she did something similar to me last year at the exact same time being off work. But she came back after 2 months no contact as she missed me. Last year she never mentioned mental health problems though or went for help. She realises its affected our relationship. She said im going to have to be patient with her, this could take months but she wants to get through it alone as selfish as that sounds and that she would then contact me when shes ready to see where im at in life and of il support her or we go our separate ways.

          I told her i would support and understand all the way through in any way i can and I will be there for her. 3 days went by without contact and this past weekend she texted to say she has a doctors appointment which was yesterday and a councelling session on the first of September. She starts work on the 2nd and she thinks once she does she will feel better. She said she just thought she would update me but would speak more once shes been to the doctor. Well that doctors appointment passed and she never mentioned anything about it so im guessing she didnt wanna talk to me about it. 3 days ago it was my birthday and she wished me happy birthday and sent a card. Yesterday she small talked me with a couple of texts, I replied short, not too much and ahe didn’t reply. Today I’ve had nothing at all from her and I’m not sure when I will of i ever will again.

          I just dont understand why she sais she will update me, then doesnt… and why she initiates small talk every once in a while… does that mean she still wants me? Its not like she cab easily forget about me as she still has some of my stuff at her house. She knows i love her and want to be there for her. Its her birthday in 3 weeks so I was going to send a card or flowers. Im leaving her alone right now and i dont talk unless she does first. I just dont know how to handle all of this.

  18. Tiltomorro says:

    About a week ago my husband went into a mental crisis. He threatened me. He blamed me for everything bad in his life. He says he’s more peaceful with out me. He has recently started drinking very heavy. His mother passed away in October and he’s having a hard time with coping and his father has dementia which he refuses to seek treatment for. He says he feels alone. He’s also dealing with untreated mental health traumas he’s just been not been dealing with for years.

    It got violent. He kept threatening to kill me if I didn’t leave. He also kept saying things like “idc I want to die I want to be with my mom”. I left that day because I knew no matter what I did or said in support at that moment and even still he believes I’m the problem.

    My neighbor saw him and said he’s intoxicated all the time which is how he was coping for a bit anyway. She said his eyes just look void of emotion and his presence is heavy.

    I love him.

    I love him enough to move on with life if he truly believes I’m the problem. It hurts me to flashback to when he was in crisis and hear how my neighbor describes him because I want him to be healthy not for me but for himself. The relationship isn’t important to me but his well being and health and safety are. I feel helpless because I can’t make him seek treatment or therapy. To him I am the problem and he will not acknowledge any other.

    I feel like I just give him time and space. I still drop out daughter off to spend her time with him because I know that he says she’s one of his reasons to keep going. His oldest daughter is there as well.

    I feel hopeless but I’m hoping time and space we’ll bring him to a point where he’s at least willing to get help.

    • Rodnesha says:

      So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 months sort of long distance, 2 hours apart. When we first started communicating with each other I found out that he had COVID and I pledged to always be available to talk to him during his 2 weeks in quarantine so that it would be fun for him instead of depressing. We FaceTimed everyday and night and we learned so much from each other and we fell in love instantly. He caught COVID from his job at a nursing home taking care of the elderly and he eventually didn’t go back because all his residents were dying and he felt like people weren’t taking care of the residents properly. So in the midst of that we were still head over heels for each other. Fast forward we met each other’s families and they absolutely loved the both of us. I’ve never been valued in a relationship before. He listens to me and he’s patient with me. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl he sees. Things were going so good, but I guess the toll of him not having a job, nor a car and he has a daughter that he doesn’t get to see because of the distance. But I looked past his circumstances now because I know they won’t last forever. He ended up getting a job but he absolutely hated it because it requires him to travel so he ended up leaving it also. But ended up going right back a week afterwards because he needed the money. So 2 weeks ago we had a little disagreement and he broke up with me but we ended up getting back together a day afterwards. So last week while he was on leave for work I noticed that he wasn’t as enthusiastic as he used to be about me. We normally talked on the phone everyday because we barely saw each other due to distance and whenever we would see each other I would drive to him. He started pulling away from me, he would leave me on read or take longer times to reply to me but he would be on social media. He would avoid my calls and he just seemed like he didn’t care about me anymore. So me being me I addressed it and instantly felt like he didn’t want me anymore, but he assured me that nothing was wrong. He apologized but still acted the same way towards me. He even canceled our plans for his birthday that I had been planning for weeks now. His birthday is tomorrow, August 15th. And because he wasn’t honest with me I keep poking at the bear wanting him to talk to me. He eventually said that he was going through a lot and that he felt like he was bringing bad vibes around me and that’s the last thing he wanted to do. He said that he needed space and I was trying to give him that space but whenever I tried to stop texting him he would text me. Eventually I asked him a question about his past and he completely flipped out and took me off of all of his social media accounts and told me to not talk to him again. I pleaded with him and begged him to not do this to our relationship because we both were so deeply in love in the short amount of time. We talked about marriage, kids and relocating on a daily. So for him to leave the relationship that easily hurt me so deeply. I texted him everyday this week since the breakup Monday night and he would respond and he eventually apologized but he said that he does not deserve to be in a relationship with me right now and that he basically needs to get himself together. He let me know that he still loves me but he feels like he doesn’t want to hold me back in life and how I deserve someone who can love me correctly and of course I let him know that he was my other half that God created for me and that no one else could make me as happy as him. He eventually followed me back on social media and we decided to just be friends for right now.. but I realized how selfish I was basically forcing myself back into his life and that wouldn’t help our relationship in the long run but it would only push him away from him. So I’ve decided today that I would give him space and send him books to help with his depression and he agreed. I love him so much and I just wanted to help him in anyway possible and I wanted him to know that he didn’t have to go through this alone. I’m kind of scared for the future because I want him in my future so badly and I don’t want our relationship to end because of this I’ve never experienced a love such as this one. I just wanted to know is me giving him space the best thing for our relationship or should I continue to check up on him during this process?

    • Lily says:

      Tiltomorro I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you so many hugs and piles of support. What a horrible situation to find yourself in, especially in this midst of the other craziness that 2020 has brought. It sounds like you did the right thing to leave. For your sake in particular, but also for his. If he feels like he needs solitude to get healthy, then I think it is the right thing to honor those wishes. Does his have a bit of a support network that will be able to keep an eye on him? I guess your neighbour sounds like they’re checking in? The most important thing you can do now is focus on you and your daughter. I hate to read those feelings of hopelessness and I hate reading how sudden it all seemed to be. My heart goes out to you. There is a wonderful support group over at Depression Fallout Message Board that you might find helpful. I have found it so incredibly helpful for my own mental health these last couple of months as I’ve navigated a new reality of my own.

  19. Suzie says:

    Our anniversary’s coming up. But we are on a break. What do I do? Should I ask him if he wants to plan something?

    • Anonymous says:

      How long have you been on a break? What were the reasons behind it? Have you been in contact since?

      • Suzie says:

        We’ve been on a break since a week and a half. He says there’s a lot going on on his mind right now- his work tensions and other stuff. Says he likes to be alone with his thoughts. That’s why he wanted a break. We did talk last week and he did say he missed me a lot.

        • Anonymous says:

          My reco is to not push anything too heavy and take any decision making out of his hands. If you think you can pull it off, tell him you’ll be stopping by with whatever you feel appropriate to celebrate your anniversary.

          If it’s me, I’d just let him know I’d be at X place on the night of your anniversary if he’d like to join you. I don’t know if 1.5 weeks is much for the timeline of depression, so it’s best to prepare for the worse.

          • Suzie says:

            Thank you for the recommendation! But should I like ask him first if he is interested in doing something on that day or not?
            What if he says no? That’s gonna be heart breaking.

      • Anonymous says:

        No, don’t ask him first. Yes, it could be heartbreaking. Everything about depression is heartbreaking.

  20. Anon says:

    [Removed at request of author]

    • Sara says:

      I have been following this page and the discussion section for some time already. I think it is now a good time to share my story as it has come to an end.

      I had dated my partner for a year. During the past year, we have never fought and I have the impression that we were never upset at each other.

      Unfortunately, the pandemic happened and the city we are living at had a lock down. We were living separately for months. And things changed.

      During this period, I had a break down over work and I ranted to him. He broke down after me and said that I have worn him down too much (due to my problems) and he needed a time out.

      I gave him space and check in with him once in a while. He told me he is sick (depression) and is going through hell. Recently, we reconnected and he told me he feels better now but we can’t go back to what we were.

      He told me that if he communicated his feelings to me earlier, he probably would not hit the pit. I honestly didn’t know he was hurting because when he was well, he always put up a positive front and told me how blessed he is to have me by his side.

      Well, it’s the end of our relationship. He is well now and have moved on. He left me to pick up the remaining pieces on my own. He admitted that it was unfair to me but “it is what it is and it is how things planned out.”

      I’m not sure if I can recover from this. But I guess time heals everything.

      Relationship is tiring and I will never want to subject myself to such pain anymore. If you are a Christian reading this, please pray for me and ask God to remove my pain and make me whole again.

      • Lola says:

        Hi Sara,

        I am so sorry that you are going through this… I am currently at the giving space stage and… completely broken up not knowing how things will end..

        I will pray and ask God to give you strength and to help remove your pain. I pray everyday for this as well.. as I am in so much pain…

        Please try your best to surround yourself around your friends and family, I know it’s hard but it helps just to have the presence of loved ones around even if you don’t want to say anything..

        • Anonymous says:

          I’m going through this ‘giving space’ phase. I’m not sure how it’s gonna end. What do I do to stop overthinking? Will everything be alright?

          • Lola says:

            I am going through the same phase as you.. and I don’t know how to stop overthinking it… It will be two weeks since he left on Thursday..

      • Maria says:

        Hi Sara,

        I am really sorry to hear this. You re in my prayers

        Similar thing happened to me. I was dating this amazing guy. we live in different cities but only 3 hours drive away. He always came to meet me saying that 3 hour drive is nothing and he would do it a thousand times because I’m worth it.

        It was perfect. I was never treated better. He was a true gentleman. He respected me and my comfort was his top priority. He used to say Im too good for him and he sometimes wonder what he has done that he got this much good (me) in his life. We had even talked about getting married (he never formally proposed but we talked about it, he asked questions like will my parents have an issue with him? he even said (talking about marriage) his parents will be surprised how did he find such an amazing woman). he complemented me on things no one has (like my positivity, my courage, my patience)

        we had difficulty during the pandemic because of travel restrictions and he was being paranoid as well. this was really bringing him down. he’d ask for space and when I gave it to him he said where was I when he needed me? I should’ve at least checked up on him.

        restrictions eases and we were able to meet again. every time I could see pure love in his eyes and smile and he always said he can’t stop looking at me. but when we were apart he said he has a life, work is hectic, he’s going through some family issue and also looking into moving to a different suburb so too much on his mind. we weren’t communicating frequently and couldn’t meet that was frustrating me too.

        one day he texts me “we both want different things from the relationship. its unfortunate but it is what it is. he’s sorry but he will be moving on”

        I called he didn’t respond. I showered texts didn’t know what’s wrong. he didn’t reply. 4 days later he calls me and says I don’t understand its over and there’s no changing his mind. I don’t understand what giving someone space means. he can’t do it anymore. I did the pleading begging then he blocked me from all social media. no way to contact him

        A week later he told a mutual friend he is suffering from depression. My friend tried talking to him and also if the breakup was a reason or depression played a role in the breakup. He told her that he needs to be better to be positive around that friend and strictly asked her not to talk about our relationship with him. she offered him support and tried if he can open up to her but he stopped talking to her too. he just wants to be left alone

        What saddens me is his depression and this pandemic ruined it for us. I have never been happier. I have never felt so in love before. we had so many similarities he used to say its scary. we decided beforehand whenever there is a problem, we will talk about it. I have never felt more comfortable with any other guy. I thought I have found the one who understands me

        and I am really worried about him. he is cutting everyone off and I can’t just go and hug him and be there for him. I cant text or call him. I can’t even check up on him. he is not letting anyone close. I have never drove for hours to another city but I want to do it for him and see him. but I don’t think its a good idea. he won’t like it.

        I am really stressed. don’t know what to do. its been two weeks now. I am thinking of dropping him a text (I’ll use my old phone) in a month if we can be friends but im not too sure. I know talking to him is of no use but I don’t know when will it be of any use. I also feel heartless leaving him like this. I still love him. and you can’t leave a loved one in depression and move on with your life.

        I don’t know what to do. please help

  21. Suzie says:

    Hello people. I needed some help here. My boyfriend of almost a year has changed all of a sudden. He’s having a business but things have not being going on smoothly since the pandemic. He’s facing financial issues and all. He stopped calling and texting me all of a sudden. He says there’s a lot going on in his mind and that he doesn’t feel like talking anymore. He also suggested taking a break from our relationship. I’ve started to feel very anxious and I think I’m overthinking about it a lot. I don’t want it to effect my mental health. And also I’m worried about him.
    Is he demanding space? If so, then how do I do it?

  22. lola says:

    My partner packed half his stuff up and left me. We’ve been in a relationship for over 11 years and we have been in small arguments for 2 months. The night before he left, I asked him if I should go to my mother’s to give us some time to be alone (we have lived together for most of our relationship). He pleaded no and that he couldn’t be without me..but fast forward to the next day, while I was out, he packed half his stuff and left a note saying he had to get his stuff out and feels I hate him and he can’t stand it anymore. I was in complete shock upon returning home and couldn’t reach him since he turned off his phone. After a few hours, his phone was back on and he messaged me that he dropped off the car so I told him to give me the keys if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, so he did, but not after saying that now I am the one choosing to breakup with him and kicking him out of our house… This statement left me so confused because he packed up and left! After that, I found out that his family members are ill and he has to be there for them and take care of them (he was never close to them prior) and that he no longer wants to be a bad son, brother, grandson, and person. I tried to ask him about us and he said that he doesn’t know how he feels anymore but doesn’t want to focus on it as he has to take care of his family. I’m not sure what to do anymore, its been over a week now and he goes hot and cold with me. He said he needs time to think but when I give him time by not txting as often or just answering him when he txts me, he says I’m extremely cold to him and h’s been trying to reach out. So then I try to warm up and talk to him and he’ll either respond later or his answers are short and vague. He’s expressed that he feels extremely depressed and stressed so I am not trying to pressure anything from him. I just want to know if he still wants to work on us and whether or not he wants our relationship. I want to know if I should just stop trying to fight for us because he doesn’t want it or not. I’m in so much pain and am so confused… I don’t know what is going through his mind or how to act. He still messages me and tells me everything and is vulnerable with me… but is it because he’s just use to me or does he still want to work on us. I’m confused and don’t know what to do and everyday it gets harder and harder. He talks to me like nothing is wrong but yet, has said he doesn’t want to come home for awhile (no real timeline). I love him so I am still here and supporting him but if he doesn’t love me anymore, I also don’t want him to string me along.. I don’t know what to do..

  23. Alicia says:

    My boyfriend left me because of his depression.

    We have never fought. One day, he said I broke him. He said that he cannot deal with my negativity when I spiral (I am quite a depressed person).

    I am really broken. I don’t understand how he could leave me during my lowest and he blamed it all on me. He has no idea the impact of his words.

    He asked for space. I gave him. However, I have noticed irregular activities on his social media. I have a gut feeling that he is cheating on me.

    Recently, we connected. He has been hot and cold towards me. Takes forever to reply or ignore me totally.

    Does a depressed person have the capacity to pursue another relationship?

    • Cooper says:

      Alicia,

      If depression is at play, pursuit of another relationship as defined by we healthy partners is probably a long shot. This very site contains some great perspective on this. Sufferers often attach their “pain” to the outside world and their current relationships. What better way to get rid of the pain than to get rid of the old and find something new. In my particular case, my partner ended up moving 500 miles away at the expense of her job, the majority of her family and her few close friends.

      The problem is, “wherever they go, there they are.” So, it seems depressed Xs often search out something new, but he or she is still carrying the same baggage. It’s really only a matter of time until it impacts the “new” relationship.

      One caveat here, and you may not want to read this, but you say you are quite a depressed person. If I knew then what I know now, it would be very hard for me to enter into a relationship with someone who deals with uncontrolled depression. You may need to ask yourself if your boyfriend left because of his depression or yours. When my X ended things via a simple cold text and then refused to have any more contact, I became something I didn’t even recognize. I wouldn’t knowingly subject myself to that pain ever again.

    • Charles says:

      Alicia, your phrase “I don’t understand how he could leave me during my lowest and he blamed it all on me” hit me hard. My Gf left me during quarantine when i was at my lowest, i am not usually depressed but during that time because i live alone in a foreign country with no friends and family, she was the only thing i had an because of corona i could not see her and was feeling very lonely and depressed in my house and that’s when she decided to break up with me because she could not be there for me and blamed me for making her more depressed, blamed all her problems on me to the point she ended things with a phone call, screaming at me and humiliating me then deleted me from her life completely and never even got the chance to see her again, i was completely shattered (goes without saying she had depression well before being my gf)

      Cooper, you are so right by saying they leave to search for something new and not realizing that the problem is from within hence “carrying the same baggage” and jt will certainly impact all of their relationships. My partner just like yours moved away, she left the country, hell she left the continent. And that is not the first time she does it because of a relationship, you’d think by now she would realize what the problem is and that this is not the solution. But there is not much we can do about their behavior

      • MsBIGPetite says:

        Hi Charles, Alicia – I so feel your pain when it comes to the quarantine bit, or simply being left at one’s lowest…sending you massive hugs! Basically, this is what happened to me…! My boyfriend of 3.5 years has spiralled into depression this year and simply since April has been putting so little effort into our relationship, barely any presence or emotional support I needed more than ever (and we had to live separately during lockdown), which has culiminated in him asking for space over a month ago. Haven’t seen him or heard from him since. Disappeared in a blink of an eye, leaving me feeling even more isolated, grieving so many things, desperate. Not only my favourite person in the world has changed into someone I do not recognise, but also left me in the midst of this pandemic without family and friends around. Also an expat here, so the trauma of the relationship breakdown has been exacerbated by quarantine and its devastating consequences for human support. I hope that you know you are not alone, we have been together in this and my thoughts are honestly with you…!

        One thinks in the immediate aftermath, how dare they?! And then you realise, by reading up some of our stories on here as well, that they are simply mentally ill and it is easy for this disease just to take over to the extent when they cannot see beyond their fog. My boyfriend told me a month ago he was ‘feeling joyless’ and ‘numb’, it takes away a great deal of, if not all, empathy from them. It helps to process all of this, that it is this distorted mind making them act like this rather than them deliberately trying to hurt us. As freaking horrible as it is.

        Cooper, also agree that I don’t think I would actually date anyone with a history of untreated depression. It’s a very likely recipe for disaster.,.at the same time, it doesn’t help that your partner – Alicia – was depressed themselves – I was the healthy partner in my relationship and I would not leave my boyfriend on the spot after having invested a lot in him, if he showed me that he was willing to attempt treatment.

        On the new relationship bit? Again, to echo Cooper – it’s just a matter of time before the next couplehood is uncoupled. Depression destroys the best of relationships. Just read some of the stories people share here…it’s heartbreaking.

        • LK says:

          MsBIGPetite, how are you going? I’m at about the month mark too with no contact and I think I need to let go of the hope that he’ll miraculously return and the depression will be gone and it will never come back again. I think that’s a naive thing to hope for isn’t it.. I’m going to send him a letter this week. It explains how hard I found the last few months, but how much our relationship meant to me and how excited I was for the future we had planned. And that I was 100% committed to fighting that battle with him and that he really broke my heart. But then I say goodbye at the end and that feels scary. I know saying goodbye won’t change how broken I am feeling, but maybe it will force me to stop thinking so much about a reunion. Because I will have said goodbye. I don’t know 🙁

          • MsBIGPetite says:

            Dear LK – nice to hear from you, wow, both of us at the exactly same stage…everything that you have described in terms of hope and closure is hovering over in my head too. Feel like I’m on a rollercoaster here, sometimes feeling numb about the whole thing (I’m sure it’s my body’s natural response to ease the trauma), on other occasions pure despair. How are you coping?…When despairing I’m certainly also going through some sort of a foolish bargaining act in my head that there will be a miracle thinking he’ll somehow come back to me saying he’s on meds and started therapy. What complicates things in my situation is that he asked for space and did not break up as he said himself – I don’t know if I should trust this at all though, depressed people don’t make sense. I don’t want to hope forever either no matter how insignificant my hope is, and contacting him to close things off has also crossed my mind, to help myself get rid of that hope and start healing more quickly. Right now though, I just feel so raw I cannot face sending him anything, even a thought of sending in a text to check in makes me feel sick, I feel paralysed 🙁 I think the content of your letter sounds so on the spot…tears me up a bit because this is what I would have written. I am so sorrry about what happened to you too. In your case, he clearly broke it off, right? That makes the situation clearer from his end, theoretically does this help to issue the letter…ultimately, I think it’s a personal decision when and if someone wants to write such message, I talked to my dad and he told me he wouldn’t bother and he would just put an end to it in his head. Not everyone is like this though. My rational brain is telling me it is something that needs to happen sooner or later for both of us to get the closure, as we both seem to be thinking about it 🙁

        • alex says:

          Is there anyway to contact you msbigpetite? I’m an expat as well in the same situation.

          • MsBIGPetite says:

            Hi Alex! I’m so, so sorry to hear this, I know what you are going through on the expat level as well! Yes, let’s chat – shall we use the private messaging function on the Depression Fallout Message Board – by the way, you should visit the board if you haven’t already…amazing virtual support group https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/. Hope to speak to you there?

  24. Khin says:

    I really need help with my situation since I don’t know what to do.. we only dated for a month but he was the one for me and I’m willing to go through everything to be with him. A little background.. he’s had family issues and got cheated by his ex and he’s been depressed for a year. And he’s been seeing therapist too.( when we started dating, he said he’s almost at the end of session of therapy) anyway The first three weeks, everything was so perfect till last week, he said his anti depressants aren’t working anymore and his behavior started to change. He started to avoid everyone and always stay in bed and doesn’t eat well. He tried to open up to me whenever he feels like talking but his change of behavior scared me and I was so anxious too to handle the situation well. He started to tell me he’s confused about us and himself and then two days ago, he broke up with me saying he’s not feeling right about us anymore also because I said that I felt like the person I liked was gone ..I didn’t say much because I was scared and having panic attack, I only said goodbye and that I’m sorry that I couldn’t make him feel better…

    We didn’t talk ever since then but I want him to know that I’m still here for him no matter what but too scared to text him since it might annoy him but then what if he thinks I’m not there for him when he’s depressed
    Should I text him or should I wait. Since it’s been only two days.. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do..

  25. Crystal says:

    I need help.. I’m breaking…before reading this some days I knew I had faith in us other days I COUKDNT BELIEVE IT WAS REAL. A little background… we have been married 17 years 6 kids 5 live with us 1 was addicted to opiates and adopted out while the first three lives with family yes I know I was horrible. I had hip replacements n many other surgeries. We eventually gave up and both dove in to addiction but enough was enough and on March 7 2016 I spent my first day deciding to get sober and March 21 2017 our first son his Jr was born which was also his 1 year sobriety date. If that isn’t a message from above. A few months later we fough and got our kids back after 8 year long addiction. We overcame a house fire prostitution homeless jail cheating lies and always loved each other never left everyone always wished they had our love. It may sound unhealthy and it was but it’s been 15 years since we’ve cheated now besides what I did to get what we needed which wasn’t much. But we never counted that. We got the first three back and found out his uncle and his uncles son where they had lives had been molesting tazing and starving beating u name it for years they are in jail now but what a kick in the gut. The younger two have major issues adhd ptsd odd fight a lot don’t listen very messy he got so upset n my guilt made me buy so much blow money I didn’t have and argue with him and then his dad died. That was it. It’s been two years. We got married in his dads birthday. For about 3 or 4 months before I had him leave he’s been saying it’s not me it’s the kids and his depression I slept in my bed he slept on couch his dad always cane up tears followed. Girls didn’t care tears screaming begging nothing. We also have the adopted one back in our life she is here now for the weekend 9 years old. He came to bed for intimate times once a month but really it was just becuz he quit smoking I didn’t and I had the kids in here it wasn’t a lack of love but some things he has said now makes me think maybe he thot it was. One day a switch flipped he didn’t wanna be near me he wouldn’t kiss me he didn’t care how much I cried or begged he would do what he wanted didn’t care what I said and kept telling me he had to get away for awhile it got so hard I ended up telling him if that was the case then go now. That was so dumb now he is comfortable at his moms and I’m with the kids alone and can’t leave him alone he says he loves me in the beginning he told me it wasn’t me it was him later he said it was me then it wasn’t then he tried to justify it by bringing up the past but he says things about how we’ve always overcame everything. I can’t turn off the tears. I have him in counseling but his job is more important to him he feels like a failure says he is worthless and he don’t deserve us he should have a career not a job. I told him he can’t tell me what I deserve. We finally can have it all and he is killing me and I feel like he don’t care and that’s why I can’t leave him alone. He keeps telling me to calm down all he needs is time I can’t bring myself to stop I give him everything he needs I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do what’s best for him. What will bring him back to us. How can I stop crying… we have another little boy to 5 kids here we need him.

  26. Charlie says:

    Hi all,
    I realise this is quite an old thread, but I really hope someone can relate to what I’m going through and possibly offer some advice! I also didn’t realise how common this occurred, and that there were other heartbroken people out there, where their former partners showed similar symptoms.
    Anyway, my now ex-boyfriend and I have dated for around 4 years, and have been through some pretty rough periods (of stress, depression and loss). Last week, completely out of the blue, we went from seeing each other everyday for 3 years to him just saying he couldn’t do it anymore/ be in a relationship..
    He has dealt with depression before and has said in the past few days/ week, he is not feeling himself and is in a constant state of stress and anxiety. I have a pretty full on life with being a full time med student and working weekends, so the time we spend together is only a few hours at night.
    When he broke up with me, it was so cold and heartless, which is nothing like he is. He is the sweetest person I’ve ever been with and we’ve planned our future together including marriage and kids. Both of our families and friends adore us together and think we truly make each other the happiest we’ve ever been. Of course, I know this and he knew this, but it seems like something just clicked within a day and he just cant see it. He says he still loves me but is just not himself. I am heartbroken beyond belief and I want to be with him no matter what (which may be selfish).

    Ive agreed to give him a couple weeks no contact and space to try, where I’ve pretty much asked for us to try again and move past it, which he doesn’t seem to want. Has anyone gone through something similar and come out the other side happy? I love this man so much and I know he loves me more than anyone in the world. His friends believe he is pushing me away to try not to hurt me, but I want to support him through this whilst also accepting him needing space.
    Thanks

    • LK says:

      Charlie, I hear you. And I believe you when you say it was out of the blue and sudden. My partner of 4.5 years (that I’ve lived with for 2 years) walked out on me 2 weeks ago and I’m still shell shocked. It feels completely surreal. I’m heartbroken as well. We had talked baby names, wedding locations and were planning to buy a house next year. And then one day he just said he couldn’t see a future with me anymore and walked out. He said he had felt things were off for a couple of weeks (only a couple of weeks!) and he couldn’t shake the feeling. He’d also been on sick leave from his stressful job for a couple of weeks and I felt like it wasn’t coincidence that he felt confused about us at the exact same time he got diagnosed with depression and had to take time off work . I begged him to take some space and time to think things through. I said we had so much worth fighting for but he just said that he couldn’t think of anything we could “work on” and so there was no point trying. He was very numb / empty sounding when he left. Didn’t show much emotion.

      I have been so worried about him because no one knew about his depression apart from me (he never told his family or friends) so I let a few of our mutual friends know so that they could check up on him. I haven’t tried to reach out and he hasn’t contacted me either. 4.5 perfect years and I haven’t heard a peep. I’m more shattered than I thought possible. I felt so safe. So secure. So loved and adored.

      He was diagnosed with depression for the first time about 2 months ago and was gradually becoming distant. I never thought our relationship would be in the firing line though, and was confident that he would get through it. I can’t really offer any happy thoughts at the moment except to say that I have been obsessively reading this site and I’m gradually starting to believe that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. What I can say is that I believe you when you say it was sudden. It’s been important for me to have people believe me when I say it was like a switch. I’ve felt strangely humiliated at the thought of friends thinking “oh they must have been having issues”. Which is silly because it doesn’t matter what other people think. But my emotional brain in turmoil and not thinking straight. We weren’t having issues. We were battling this illness but we were doing it together. And then suddenly we weren’t anymore.

      I’m so sorry for what is happening to you. I hope your man is able to find a clearing in the fog and make his way back to you.

    • Cooper says:

      Charlie…I’m sorry you had to end up here looking for answers. Unfortunately, your story and your feelings are all too common for those of us dealing with the fallout from a partner dealing with depression.

      I wish I could tell you this will be easy, but it will not. Frankly, my experience has been the hardest and most painful event of my life. The ending of my relationship came so unexpectedly, I think I went into almost a shock and definitely some denial. I kept hoping it was just one of those vivid dreams from which you wake and hug your pillow glad it wasn’t real. I’m now about 7 months past our ending and still struggle quite a bit with things. Frankly, pandemic isolation makes it even harder to find opportunities to get my mind off of things.

      One thing I’ve learned through my research is that when they ask for space, give it to them. It seems depression often leaves the sufferer unable to truly hold up his or her side of the relationship, and the guilt of that just fuels the depression. Escaping from the relationship often seems to be a key step in the healing process. I have to believe this is the mind’s way of dealing with something that is too painful to process. The more the sufferer is pushed, the angrier and more withdrawn her or she becomes.

      If he won’t accept your support, I think all you can do is wait for him to heal or begin to move on. Their is no timetable for the former and the latter is just hard to do. You’ll see this in many places by many posters, but I would not wish what you and I are experiencing on our worst enemy.

    • Anonymous says:

      If his friends say he is pushing you away, does that mean they know he is suffering from depression? If he’s talking to his friends about it I think that makes him more likely to get help. From what I’ve read on here, if the depressed person refuses to seek treatment then they will continue to do this to you again and again. It seems that that’s the key component in making a difference is whether they get better. I completely understand where your coming from as my situation seems the same. It’s also a good sign that he has shown in the past that he can make it through stressful situations with you and he’s not bailing the first one that comes up. I would say if he’s not willing to stay together then give him a month no contact to see if this has lifted at all and if it changes his opinion, he’s had time to miss you. If you don’t get a response then he’s probably sunken deeper into the depression and for everyone the timeline is different. This is what I’ve told myself I’m going to do anyways, and if after a month I send a short nice I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing well message and I don’t get a response I’m going to move on the best I can, stop preoccupying my time reading about depression and worrying about his mental health. He has to take care of it and get better on his own and unfortunately there’s nothing we can do to force his hand in that

    • MsBIGPetite says:

      Dear Charlie…I believe you. I have just gone through something almost identical and I feel every single strand of your pain. My heart honestly goes out to you. My beloved boyfriend of 3.5 years has suddenly announced for what is now over a month ago that he “needed space” after a few months of growing distant, cold, emotionless, sad and less and less interested in anything to do with life. I thought it was a temporary “mood” to do with his job which he hates. We were meant to get engaged this year and were planning to buy a house after what has been a blissful 3 years – I love him more than anything and cannot imagine a life without him. He’s the sweetest man I’ve been with. And one day he just said to me he wasn’t feeling himself and couldn’t deal with the pressure of our relationship, and that he needed his space for an undefined period of time…I’m shell-shocked, even more so that it has been now such a long time since I’ve spoken to him or seen him – basically, radio silence for the last few weeks. I wanted to respect his wishes for space though (would advise you to do the same, it helps them), so haven’t pursued contact…still in limbo here. There are some days when I feel it’s over as it’s been so long now, other days when I still feel some hope. I know I can’t stuck like this forever.

      I think it is fair to want to give your boyfriend some space to figure his head out, especially given you have been from what you are saying an amazing couple beforehand. If he comes back, he needs to show to you that he will be/is seeking treatment…it can be hard as it is with depression with meds/therapy which don’t always work, imagine this left untreated. Life from hell and cycles of more of the same as it is likely to come back if someone is predisposed…it’s difficult to determine a timescale of how long you should wait for him (I’m in the very same boat…). It differs from case to case as to when they come back, but if it goes on for too long I think there will be time where we would need to move on for the sake of our own mental wellbeing…and even when they do come back – one has to face the very real possibility that they may run off one day again if treatments are not working.

      Sending you lots of love and warmest of wishes x x x

    • Laura says:

      Ligit the same for me.
      My now ex said he had depression he felt he wouldnt be the man i deserve. We were still together for a month after he said that.

      He broke up with me. He still loves me. But he says he cannot give me a happy future. I said this is the depression. Did you only start to feel like this with your depression? He said yes. We are still on good terms.

      He is like its over. But i know me and you will meet up for coffee soon. But was higging me and kissing my head when i cried at the break up. Mixed signals. All confusing

  27. CH says:

    My boyfriend and I were only together for a year but I finally understand the meaning of when you know, you know. The most caring, affectionate, attentive person I have ever met. He was nicer to me than anyone has ever been and we just clicked SO well with amazing chemistry. The story of how we met is out of a fairytale and we were completely enamored with each other from the very start. Our families like each other, they all thought we were so good together. I am absolutely crazy about him. I am about to turn 28 and he 30. We have been living together since the start of quarantine, he has told me that he struggles with severe depression before. He has never seen anyone about it because he is embarrassed and ashamed. He also has anxiety caused by almost every gf he’s been with cheating on him and previous girlfriends telling him his emotions are weak and unattractive. I cannot believe someone would say anything like that to the most wonderful human I have ever encountered and it kills me.

    He struggles with ED and low sex drive….he says he thinks he’s disgusting and how could I want to do that with him and all he can think when we’re being intimate is how I must not be enjoying it. He has also said multiple times that he thinks I am too attractive for him which is not true at all. Every time it happens he has a panic attack and I have been there for him 100%. He says that I’m going to leave him, please don’t leave, that I shouldn’t have to deal with him, etc. and I have always been patient and held him and told him “I got you, I would never hurt you, this is NOT your fault, I would never leave, you are so valuable to me for so many other things and I’m not going anywhere” when we had been dating for a few months he told me, “I am worried I am incapable of being happy, my entire life has been like a dark house and you came into my life and lit up one of the rooms so bright, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me” He told me he loved me first, that he wants to be with me forever all the time. That he loves my intelligence, making me laugh etc. I feel so misled. I saw the signs of depression, he stopped taking care of himself, the apartment, all of his plants died. I was taking care of him and making all the meals every day but I did not mind it at all, I thought he was depressed just like I was due to the situation, I had no idea how serious it was.

    We were looking for places to move in together and it was extremely tense. We had never once fought and I couldn’t understand why there was so much tension around this subject. Then one night he just blurts out, I can’t move in with you, the two other times I’ve lived with a significant other we broke the lease a few months in because I am miserable to live with and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with anyone and I need you to move out. Of course I lost it a little. No screaming or cussing or doing anything physical of course but I was just beside myself. I said so you’re saying you’re not relationship material if you can NEVER live with someone? What are you saying to me? He really clung to that statement. I’m making 2/3 of my normal salary rn due to Covid and moving back with my parents is not an option because my dad is immunocompromised and he knows that. I felt completely screwed over by the one person I have ever trusted not to hurt me. I was in such complete shock. I would never do anything to hurt him. He was just telling his parents a few weeks ago what a wonderful roomate I have been. We listened to a podcast about Covid breakups and he said I am so glad you have been so easy to live with and get along with, thank you. He also has said “if I were alone here I would really be struggling, I am so glad I have you with me during this time” and I completely agreed. When I pointed these things out he seemed so detached from having said those things, he said, I thought it would get better. When I said he flipped a switch suddenly on me he said “it hasn’t felt suddenly to me” which hurts. He was always the one progressing things forward, he suggested getting me a key, we had a talk about his lease, etc. Now he was saying things like we moved in too fast for him but he was afraid to say anything? I have been nothing but completely compassionate and caring to his issues which he agrees with. He also said he’s felt smothered recently and like he can’t be independent. I told him all of these issues are situational due to quarantine and could have easily been solved if he just communicated his needs and he said I know I’m terrible at communicating I always have been.

    From that fight on he was so robotic and distant the next day he told me that I am right he is not relationship material and can’t handle a relationship right now. Seeing me taking care of him is making it worse. He needs to fix his depression on his own and do it for himself. I asked him haven’t I always stuck by him and shown him I wouldn’t leave him for his depression or anxiety? He said yes, that I am by far the best person he has dated and this is the best relationship he’s ever had and he still thinks that I’m the one for him. That I did absolutely nothing wrong and he’s sorry he’s so broken. I asked him if he ever did want to work on things in a relationship would I be the person he would want to? And he said absolutely. I am not interested in anyone else and I don’t want a relationship at all right now. I asked how he could flip a switch and take away my favorite person. How could he be so cold and robotic towards me I didn’t understand. He seemed very hurt by me saying that. He said he gets overwhelmed from emotions and he just shuts down, and he can understand how that can come across as robotic. He also admitted he struggles a lot with empathy. He promised me he was going to start seeing a therapist, but it would take him time to get out of his depression. He said he doesn’t know what he wants, if he’ll ever be able to handle a relationship, he doesn’t want to tell me to wait for him, but that doesn’t mean that’s not what he wants, and seeing me with someone else would devastate him.

    It’s so many mixed signals. We cried together and cuddled and recently before I moved out he started kissing me again. He went on a camping trip with our mutual friends and didn’t say a word to anyone, just told them I had to work and he came back and said he missed me and thought about me and all the things that he likes about living with me. Yet he has been avoiding me as much as possible and staying away from the apartment. I told him that limbo is absolute mental torture, to please either just tell me it’s over and it’s okay for me to move on and find someone else or at least contact me so I’m not in the dark for weeks on end thinking he left me for someone else. He said he’ll “try his hardest” but he cannot promise anything. Then he started doing so many drugs and not coming home or staying away from the apartment as much as possible….I can tell it’s a problem he hid from me for our relationship. I felt so betrayed. How is that taking care of yourself or wanting to get better? I also found a note he wrote himself when I was clearing out my stuff after his last break up that listed all of his problems. He knew and he did this to me anyways. He took me down with him even though I treated him amazingly. He also deleted his social media which he has never done before and that scares me. Like he is just trying to disappear. I stopped talking to him for the last few days I was there. On the last day, he came in to tell me to have a good day as he left for work, and I ran out and hugged him. I went to let go and he held me tighter and said “thank you” I left him a letter with the key to his apartment. I also left a note saying I know he cannot process emotional or heavy things, so not to read the letter until it was the right time. I am so lost and heartbroken and empty. All I can do is compulsively read about depression and comment threads like these and wonder if I’ll ever hear from him again. This is the worst thing I have ever gone through. It’s the only way I feel connected to him.

    • RM says:

      reading all of these posts helps and doesn’t help but it at least gives me something to relate to. my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago out of nowhere. to give some background we had only been dating for 7 months starting at the end of our freshman semester in the fall. we both went to the same college where we had met but he lives in CT and i live in NJ/DE. my life with him was perfect it seemed. i realized he had depression right before we began dating when he had a panic attack in my car and released every emotion he was feeling and shared with me all his struggles and how these panic attacks had been happening for years but had recently become more and more frequent. i was his first serious girlfriend and the first person he told his problems to and admitted he needed help to. i urged him to tell his family which he finally did over our winter break. he told me that he came to our college in NY to try and reinvent himself since he only had 2 high school friends, he is so kind and sweet but extremely introverted. before he met me he tried to “fit in” and cope with his depression by going out on the weekends and blacking our sometimes missing class as a result and his gpa suffered. when we met i asked him to stop doing this since i usually picked him up after and he slept over my dorm every night. he did and even began asking me to pick him up early from a party because he would rather be with me at my dorm cuddling and watching netflix. he visited me over winter break and i had plans to visit him over spring break which all happened but my visit was cut short by covid. he was working so hard the spring semester to bring his grades up so that he could keep his scholarship and continue at our school. he told me he was staying at our college because of me, he never made any friends of his own there but he wanted to stay there because of me. i didn’t see him for about 2 months after my spring break visit because of covid but we snap chatted texted and facetimed everyday, a constant line of communication was there. after i left for spring break he also began to get help which i was so proud of him for and happy. he began seeing a therapist and taking medication. after that started however i felt the problems that he talked to me about before morphed into me causing them which hurt especially when i couldn’t do much when he had a panic attack over facetime only offer my support from the phone. he finally visited me for 10 days and they were the best days and i constantly think about them. he was so happy to see me and i was so happy. he had one minor panic attack during the visit but otherwise everything was well. he left so sad to go and promising we’d see each other soon. our constant virtual contact continued and we made plans for me to come visit him 4th of july week. but 2 weeks after he left and 2 weeks before i was to visit everything crumbled. he had been talking about getting a tattoo which i didn’t necessarily like and we discussed it but he told me that i didn’t love him for him if i wouldn’t like him with the tattoo which i had never said. he told me he couldn’t do the relationship anymore at the time but maybe when we went back to school in august if he was in a better place we could try again. the next day we spoke he said actually he was transferring and maybe we could be friends. 2 weeks after i texted him needing answers since we continued to snapchat but he wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. he wouldn’t call me said he couldn’t and that he didn’t think we could be friends because i had hurt him too much and we probably wouldn’t see each other ever again. now we still snapchat but i am afraid to do anything else. my own mental and physical health has deteriorated and i’m trying to continue but i think about him constantly and how fast he changed into a different person. that the day he broke up with me he was still so happy and in love with me and missed me so much and couldn’t wait to see me in a few weeks and wanted me to be happy to that he couldn’t talk to me or have any relationship with me. i know he still cares and loves me and i hope he can fight his depression and be happy again. i don’t know what caused the sudden change whether or it quarantine, the medication, the therapy or a combination but i know he’s doing as best as he can and he’s already made the strides to get help i can only hope he continues. i sincerely hope he didn’t mean that i caused his problems and we can be friends at the least again. sorry this is so long but i am still beyond heartbroken. if anyone needs to talk i am here for you.

  28. E. says:

    Hi there, I need some advise.

    Recently, my depressed partner, who had shut me out of his life, started responding to my texts.

    He is seemingly feeling better. However, he takes forever to response to me. I could see that he is online but he wouldn’t reply me. All this while, he has only been cold to me and he would put on a strong front towards other people.

    It seems like he is using me a an emotional punching bag. I don’t know what I should do? Continue to let him do whatever he wants? Or should I draw the boundaries clear?

  29. LK says:

    I’ve been desperately reading this blog trying to will myself into believing that my recent abandonment wasn’t my fault. My partner walked out on me last week without warning. We had a strong and stable relationship. We barely fought and if we did it was about very very minor things . We moved overseas together twice. We have been living together for almost 2 years. We had openly talked about marriage and kids right up until the last week. We were planning on buying a house together this year. The Covid lockdown hadn’t caused any friction between us and he often commented on how he loved working from home because we got to spend more time together. I felt so loved and so safe and so secure.

    He was diagnosed with depression for the first time about 6 weeks ago. It runs in his family and his stress levels at work had gotten out of control. We knew things weren’t “normal” because he had lost his appetite, wasn’t sleeping, was crying often, had no libido, etc. He was quick to agree that he needed help and he started seeing a therapist. He took a month off work and was diagnosed with depression. Things were a bit strange these last few weeks (since the diagnosis he became emotionally distant and he was not very affectionate) but I never really felt insecure because I believed it was temporary. The one time I spoke to him about his emotional withdrawal a couple of weeks ago he assured me it was nothing to do with me. He said he was sorry I was sad and that I never had to worry because he loved me so much. Then one day last week he woke up and said he couldn’t see a future with me anymore and he wanted out. I begged him to just take space and not make a rash decision. A few days later we caught up and he said he didn’t see the point in trying because he didn’t think we were compatible anymore. He said he’d only been feeling this way for a few weeks but that he couldn’t shake it and didn’t think there wasn’t any point trying to work it out. I said he could take as much space and time as he needed but he didn’t want to try. So I told him I loved him so much and I let him go.

    I am devastated and I don’t understand what has happened. We haven’t communicated at all since he left, but I was expecting to have heard from him by now. I just can’t understand what has happened. I have all the evidence (and a diagnosis) that this is depression at play, but I can’t wrap my head around it. How can depression act so swiftly? Wouldn’t I have been able to see this coming? Was I not supportive enough? How could he love me one day and abandon me the next? How did this happen? What did I do wrong?

    • Cooper says:

      You can’t blame yourself for your partner’s illness, which is what it is. In the same vein, you did nothing wrong but try to be a supportive partner. As is noted throughout this site, depression manifests itself in illogical actions. Trying to make sense of it will tie you up in knots. Until your partner is ready to address his issues, it will be a struggle.

      I encourage you to step back for awhile, and give him time to heal. But, do not blame yourself, because that’s not fair to you and disrepects the awful illness that is depression.

      • LW says:

        Thank you Cooper. I keep flipping between thinking “yes this is depression and you can’t and won’t understand it so just let it be” and “this is unrelated to depression which means he wasn’t who you thought he was”. I.e. he’s either sick or he just never loved me the way I thought he did.

        But I think from what I am reading on this site, it’s almost impossible to disentangle depression from other aspects of your life. Is that right?

        I have stepped back though and I hope he is healing – I was so worried about him. I don’t even know if he’s still seeing his therapist though. His appetite returned a couple of weeks ago and I think he took that as a sign that he was better. I haven’t reached out but I did inform a couple of mutual friends to make sure they check up on him (we don’t have a huge support network here because we only moved to the country recently). I’ve rearranged my furniture and am trying to focus on myself but the feelings of abandonment are so strong and raw.

      • LK says:

        Nuts my reply just deleted!

        Thank you Cooper. There is something strangely calming about having someone I don’t know say these things.

        My mind flips between saying “This is depression at play so stop trying to understand it” and “This is separate to the depression – he just didn’t love me the way I thought he did”. But I think maybe this site and others are helping me realise that you can’t disentangle depression from everything else? Is that right?

        I am stepping back and trying so hard to focus on myself and just get through one day at a time. I’m so deeply grieving for what we had and what I thought we were going to have though. I haven’t reached out and I won’t reach out, but I did inform a few mutual friends so that they could check up on him. We don’t have a huge support network here because we only moved to this country a year ago.

        • Isobel says:

          My boyfriend of 9 months suddenly ended it last week by phone. The previous weekend we had been together, laughing and living as normal. We are both in our early 60’s and he lost his wife 2 years ago. When we met last year, everything just clicked with us and the chemistry was off the scale. He talked about having bad days now and again but he was fully committed to finding a long term partner and he convinced me I was the one.
          Then came the phone call. He said he was a sad, confused, depressed man and felt like he could offer nothing further to me. It broke my heart when he said he wanted me to be free to find that ‘happy ever after’ with someone else as he knew he was unable to give it to me. He sounded cold and emotionless. From what I read, leaving a partner is common in depressed people but I don’t see mention of them encouraging the partner to ‘move on and find the love of your life, as it isn’t me’. Is this a common thing? I was heartbroken. 2 days later he texted me to say he was so very sad, was missing me and just wanted to stroke my hair and say he was sorry. When I communicated back how happy his words made me, he backed off again. I am so confused. The days he contacts me are getting further apart now. Any advice on this situation so welcome.

          • Anonymous says:

            As incomprehensible as it is, this is all too common. Our depressed partners often don’t love themselves, so how can they love someone else? Their thinking, from their depressed mindset, is that how could anyone love them? If someone does love me, her or she must be ill, because no one would should want to love me.

            I recall my X looking at the mirror cursing herself for how “ugly” she was. This was heartbreaking for me to hear.

  30. Lisa says:

    I must admit, scrolling through a lot of these stories/situations last night left me feeling really down. The hope that I had for my own relationship suddenly vanished and I started to think negatively, causing anxiety and deep sadness. It was that thought of “my story is similar to theirs, therefore mine will have the same outcome” that got me feeling really down. But then I got out of bed this morning and I had an epiphany – while we can relate to others’ stories and either find comfort or discomfort in them, ultimately all of our stories are different. Somebody else’s story does not define our own, we have to remember that.

    I’d love to share my own story/current situation with the hope that it will allow someone to possibly relate and find comfort. Just keep in mind that this is my story, it does not mean that all of these things will happen to you. Any advice or comfort that you may have for me and my situation would also be appreciated. Whether our situations are similar or different, we are all in this together 🙂

    So my boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 8 years. On and off because we have broken up twice – a 3 month break up after being together for 2 years and then a year long break up shortly after that (we realised getting back together after the first break up was a mistake, we both hadn’t healed). Both break ups were initated by him due to his crazy work schedule which made me unhappy and they were both extremely hard, but by the end of the second break up, I was finally able to start accepting it was over for good. But the universe works in mysterious ways, and once I accepted we were done, he came back into my life. We had grown, our break ups had made us stronger and this time round we were serious. Back together for 5 years and marriage was even on the cards for us. Then 2 months ago, out of the blue, he burst into tears. He told me he was scared that we had come to our end. I was confused and shocked to say the least, our relationship had been so strong, so why out of nowhere was he saying this? He then admitted that he was feeling sad and was struggling to sometimes even feel any emotions, although he said he still loved me. He wanted to break up, but I managed to convince him (not easily) not to make such a rash decision and take some time to think and talk to other people first as this was something he was clearly bottling up. He ended up realising he was in fact going through depression and had been for a very long time, he just hadn’t admitted it to himself and was really good at ignoring it. His friends thankfully ended up convincing him that breaking up was not the answer, especially when he was feeling the way he was because he would probably end up regretting it in the long run. He took their advice and told me he just needed space because seeing me made him feel guilty he couldn’t give me any love or emotion. He also decided to start seeing a psychologist.

    I gave him his space and we didn’t see each other or really speak for a month. It was extremely hard for me in the beginning, this person who I spent every night with and texted every day had become a stranger. I took it personally and hated that he didn’t even want to talk to me. After a month passed, we ended up seeing each other at our friends’ housewarming party. He hugged and kissed me, but said he was still feeling really sad. To my surprise, he asked to see me the next day. We met up and he just seemed so empty, but he explained his situation to me more clearly and I was able to get a better understanding of why he was acting the way he was. I knew he still needed his space, but I also knew that for us to have a chance, I couldn’t be fully cut out like before. I spoke to him about this and we agreed he’d send me a quick text every day to let me know how he is feeling, so I wouldn’t stress and we could also try and meet up every week.

    This has now been our new normal for the last few weeks and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There have been days where I have seen him and he’s been his old self, incredibly loving and wanting to spend time with me, and there have been days where he has been distant and would rather be alone. He also recently admitted that there have been days where he has wanted to end things between us, but knows he has only wanted to do that because that would be easier.

    I guess I find comfort in the fact that he doesn’t want to take the easy way out and is aware of it, which is already a change in itself. The fact that we have gone from no contact to seeing each other weekly is also a positive. These are just things I need to remind myself when I read stories with not so happy endings and start feeling down. This is not supposed to be easy I will continue to fight for our relationship and a positive outcome 🙂

    • Jennifer says:

      Lisa your message gave me hope. I feel like I lost my best friend, he told me it wasn’t fair that he was only giving me 50%, that there’s a dark cloud that’s been looming over him. I blame myself for some situations that could’ve been dealt with differently but we overcame those and were picking back up. Some stuff he said about himself bothered me but I never known it to be depression until he openly admitted to it. He broke up with me- it has been a week now and I’m trying so hard not to make any contact with him. I want him to be happy with or without me but my heart is so heavy. He was my favorite person. But his job kept him busy and time management was hard to tackle with other things making life complicated. I guess I was one of the things he had to let go. Many other situations dealt with family and that’s something you can’t drop. I miss him everyday and life is a little weird for me right now. I know the best thing to do is focus on myself and let him go. If it’s meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. Thank you for your post. I’m happy you’re able to communicate with him and I wish you two the best possible outcome out of it all

    • Cooper says:

      Lisa, Your story is definitely one of the more positive trending ones “out there.” Where yours seems to differ is your partner’s willingness to admit he needs help. I guess like AA, acceptance is the first step to recovery. Unfortunately, for many involved with this board and others our partners refused to admit they needed help, made decisions or took actions that ruined an otherwise wonderful relationship. I wish you the best.

      • Charles says:

        Lisa i hope all goes well with you and your partner. I truly do. Nothing hurts more than loosing a partner so suddenly and have no saying in it. I agree with Cooper because most of us unfortunately had partners that refused help and even ended up blaming us for their depression… it’s just sad.

  31. Hana says:

    Hi All,

    My boyfriend and I start dating 2 months and half ago. We are having a long distance relationship. He is in another country because of his work and cannot come to visit because of covid 19 … we are childhood friends. We met when we were 12 years old in middle school … we kept encountering each other paths and everytime we do … we feel something for each other.. we met again in our first year in university … 10 years ago and then the relationship kind of developed for more than flirting … he confessed his feeling then .. and I asked for more time to be sure of mine … but as usual we drifted away and we lost contact … we met after that few times due to coincidence until we got back in contact via social media this year (we are both 30) … as usual we felt that thing again but this time we confessed our feelings and we started dating officially … since it is a long distance relationship we mainly use social media .. texting, phone calls and video calls … we spend a really great time toghether.. we get along … we are share a lot of commun things .. he is so nice.. I really love him … and I think that I did love him all these years .. we were each other first love.. but 2 weeks ago … when the covid situation got worse in the country where he is living … and he knew that he won’t be able to visit any time soon … and he has to take days off from work … he kind of entred into depression … and he started to spend less time with me … he did not call as often as he did… then just out of sudden he told me that he needs to distance himself because he is going through a depression… first I said that I understand and spend all the first week trying to support him without making him feel any burdensome… but then I just couldn’t stand it anymore .. I miss him and I miss how he used to care about me .. and I hate this state when I don’t even if we still datong or not … I really love him … and I don’t want lose him .. and I want him to be happy and healthy .. I care about him so much … how should I react!!! What should I do? … sorry if I made mistakes I’m not an english native speaker…

  32. Resa says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. we entered a long-distance relationship 2 months in and stayed together for about 4. Leading up to the break up he didn’t answer any of my texts or look at them. sometimes he would but most of the time wouldn’t. He told me before we broke up he left a lot of people worried not just me and he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I told him i still loved him and i didnt want to end it but i understood. my question is, should i reach out? i still want to be there for him. i just dont want to bother. I have depression too but i take medicine for it. but i still know the feeling of wanting to be alone. Should i let him know that although we are broken up he can still reach out to me if he needs anything? should i wait a month before doing it. should i do it at all? i care for him as an ex partner and also a friend. im just confused and hurt.

  33. ON says:

    Hi everyone!
    At the moment, I’m in a situation of serious confusion. The 6th of July (two days ago), my girlfriend broke up with me due to her depression. We’ve been together for 4 months and the first 3 was amazing – Never have I ever felt so much love with/from anyone. My ex-girlfriend has a past of depression, and have once before been taking medicine, but some psychiatrist then told her that she didn’t need them anymore (that’s a few years ago). Allthough our first 3 months were amazing, the 4 month was when it really started to get messy. Her depression just got worse and worse and I guess it’s because of a lot of bad things that happened to her throughout the month (family issues, friends leaving her, her grandmother is dying of cancer, etc.). Unfortunately, all these things was put out on our relationsship and she stopped talking to me when she were sad. It really hurt me to see her sad and not being able to do anything for her because she wouldn’t talk about it. Even though she was feeling bad due to her depression, she told me that she loved me a lot, but sometimes the depression “eats” all of her feelings from the inside like a parasite. I really tried to be a good boyfriend for her by doing my best to help her in her appartment by making food for her, cleaning, and go shopping for her. One mistake I did makes me so scared that I fear never getting her back = I didn’t give her the space that she needed. Our relationship begun very fast after we met, and I was actually staying at her place throughout a corona-lockdown my country decided were the best. Therefore, I spent the first 3 months at her place where we had an amazing time. Afterwards, I felt that the appartment had become my home as well, and we even talked of moving together for real when we had finished the semester. All that was very lovely, but when she began to feel worse and told me to give her some space, I got so sad and thought she didn’t love me anymore even though she said she did. Therefore, she felt bad for needing some time apart which she really shouldn’t and said that I could just stay (which I shouldn’t have done). That happened several times and some of the times I went home to my family anyways and felt so scared that she’d leave me – Therefore I texted her all the time to make sure that she wouldn’t which stressed her a lot.

    The last week of our relationship was a complete hell for me…
    We weren’t together much because we both graduated and in Denmark, that means that you drink tons of boose everyday for many weeks with your ex-classmates, to celebrate the graduation. Everyday I woke up during that week, I checked my phone and recieved messages such as “I don’t think I can be with you right now” or “You can do so much better than me and you deserve it” and stuff like that. Of course, I was very scared that she would leave me and since she will get an perscription on medicine the 13th of July (next monday from now) I fought a lot to change her mind. That was a mistake from my side but I just thought that she would return to her old self after the medicine will start to work – Therfore, I thought the decision of breaking up was impulsive, irrational, and just “stupid”. I got those texts everyday almost throughout a whole week and finally decided to let her go. We both agreed on talking about this when she gets better and gets some space, so we hopefully can find a solution, but the waiting time is hard. She actually sugested that we could talk next week again, but I don’t think that she is ready to try to find a solution yet and therefore I’d rather wait some weeks. I did let her know, that I would always be there for her, and she can text me or call me anytime. She texted me today that we could talk face to face next week, but I told her that I thought it would be best to wait for a bit – First of all, because I want the talk to be about finding a solution and fix our relationship, but also because I want to find myself again.

    Enough with the backstory… Sorry for my long message btw…

    What I’m asking is what to do now. I just started a “no contact” period, because I want her to have the space that she needs. I’ve seen tons of videos on this “no contact” thing and as I understand it, it should be the best way – I just don’t know if it’s the best way in this situation because of her depression. She has been texting me today several times, but I answer in small sentences and always end the chat with “I’m here for you if you need me”.
    How do I approach the situation I’m in? I really want her back, but don’t wanna preasure her. Should I talk with her face to face at the end of next week? If I chose to see her next week, can I then expect her to be open minded and ready to try to find a solution to this or should I give her and myself more time to miss each other (if she actually does that)?

    To all of you who read this… Thank you so much! I know it was a long one, but I really need help with this! I want her back and I will do anything to make that happen – I love her deeply! Hope that you would give me your best advice and opinions – On forehand, thank you, I’m very grateful!

    -ON

    • Leesh82 says:

      Hi

      I was in your situation 2 years ago. I never knew about the no contact thing until a few months after the break up.

      As the situation is different, I don’t suggest doing no contact. Space yes but the no contact thing can be hurtful to someone. They suggest blocking people and this just isn’t right.

      My ex could barely talk to me towards the end of the relationship and I had to draw my own conclusion. I was too scared to ask any questions as I didn’t want to push him. I was quite supporting. When we broke up, he went hot and cold. After about a month of the break up, he started being really cold with me. A side I had never seen with him.

      My ex and I don’t talk anymore. After a couple of months he blocked me everywhere. It’s a bit sad as we were friends and work colleagues before our relationship and he meant a lot to me. It was so extremely hurtful. For me, blocking me was the last thing and made me walk away completely. It put me into depression too. I tried everything to understand and be there for him but i just felt like it wasn’t good enough. I hope you look back in a couple of years and realise that you were being wonderful and kind. I blamed myself a lot, including thinking that I didn’t give him enough space. I did now I look back.

      The last thing, to top it off, was last year. I found out via social media (we have a couple of mutual friends) that his dog died. When we were together, he was away from work a lot and lived on a property with no fencing. For 6 months I looked after his dog, including staying with me for a few weeks after we broke up and he eventually got her back. He didn’t say anything to me about her dying. I waited a week and sent a really kind message to discover I was blocked on his phone too (didn’t know I was, just thought it was social media.). I waited a couple of days and sent a message via Facebook as I had been unblocked by then and he tried to call me. I missed the call and tried calling him back. He forgot to unblock me. I tried through social media, email for about 4 weeks (just once a week) to try and find out more. I ended up getting angry and sent him a very angry message on Facebook messenger. This was the first time I had gotten angry at him ever and told him how hurtful he had been and that I didn’t understand why he was blocking and ignoring me. He responded. Explained that he can’t explain his behaviour and that he had come off his meds and working hard to maintain that. I tried to respond but I think he blocked me after he sent that. I don’t want to be around him now as there’s definitely something not right about him.

      I suggest working on moving on for now and, if she gets well again and returns, then look at how you are feeling at that time and consider it.

      • Cooper says:

        I think Leesh brings up something interesting about no-contact suggestions. Based on my experience and research, dealing with a depression-related breakup is much different than your run-of-the-mill breakup. In the latter, requests for space or time usually infer the partner wants to explore other options. In the former, the partner usually needs to work on themselves.

        I think going full no-contact is not wise, but that’s not to say a partner should be inundated with messages and should never receive heavy, emotional messages. Personally, I think the occasional message is just fine, but do not expect a response. And, I would keep the messages to one or two lines and maybe just reference something that has little to do with the relationship. The only messages to which I ever received a response were those the included a video to something I know my X would think funny or a picture that had nothing to do with our relationship.

        My suggestion here is just that out-of-sight usually leads to out-of-mind. Standing on the periphery at least keeps you active in your partner’s mind. ON, in your situation, I think it’s positive she wants to see you. I would not shy away from a face-to-face meeting, but let her control the dialogue. And, don’t get overly emotional and sentimental. The depressed mind does not want to deal with those things. Don’t be suprised if she struggles to make sense and won’t even look you in the eyes. She may get emotional, as well. In my case, I could still see my X, but it’s like her depression was standing between us blocking our efforts to connect verbally and emotionally.

        Finally, if she “sets you free,” so to speak, stay positive, let her know you’ll always be there for her and understand that depression really can do a number on her thought process. Tomorrow, she may miss you and call you again. It’s a bizarre illness, but it is an illness. Don’t try to make sense of everything. Once I understood that my X “just wasn’t right” while depressed, it became easier for me to accept everything, move on yet not hold her 100% accountable for some of her comments and actions.

        To this last point, only you can decide how long you wait. Her recovery could take weeks, months, years or a lifetime. I will tell you to be careful, though. Depression seems to be able to suck in others.

      • ON says:

        Thank you for your advice!
        When I woke up today, I Saw that she unfriended me on Facebook. Then I made the mistake of texting her, but quickly deleted the text before she had time to read it. When she asked me why I deleted the text, I just said that it wasn’t important and she was like “LOL”. I didn’t respons to that and then she asked me later (because I’m going to have some time with my friends in another city on the 13th) when I was going. I just replied by telling the date and she was like “that’s nice”. I don’t know if she deleted me as friend on Facebook to catch my attention, because she still writes me. I don’t ignore her but I surely don’t reply her with long texts since she needs some time alone. Atm, I’m doing fine because I feel like bring in control of the situation which I guess she dosen’t – Therefore she feels the need to write me. I won’t contact her in the near future, but I surely will respond to her. Hope that’s the right thing to do and if not, please let me know your opinion.
        Btw, she still follows me on Instagram and haven’t unfriended me on snapchat…
        -ON
        Thanks for your respons and time!

        • Leesh82 says:

          I think you are handling a difficult and unique situation very well. Just keep reminding yourself that as well. It’s easy to kick ourselves for the little things that we don’t think we handle that well. I always thought that I didn’t give my ex the space he needed. But he was my partner at that time and I was just doing what any other person would have done. This is what you’ve done too. It’s really just fighting for your relationship. Don’t continue to kick yourself while you are down. Keep moving and realise that you’ve done everything you could that was in your power.

          • ON says:

            Again, thank you for your respons! I feel happy that you’re trying to help me out in my situation!
            My ex is atm posting more on her Instagram-story than ever and yesterday, it was something about her, not having tatoos on her neck because someone asked her since she had a special shirt on where it looks like it. I actually don’t think that anyone asked because no one ever asked her anything like that when we were together – I would think it was a bit weird if questions like that just came up out of the blue right after we broke up? I feel like she’s trying to get my attention right now since I’m not contacting her to beg and plead for her to come back. I really want her old self (before her depression) to come back and yesterday I really missed her. I was so close to reach out but I told myself that it was not the propper way to deal with my feelings at the moment. I still want to tell her that I’m here for her, because I really am but I think I should wait a few days, just to show her that I’m not desperat. I want her back. Even though we’ve not been together for a long time I feel that she’s the love of my life. I’ve never experienced that before and I won’t let it go that easy. I think she’ll start on her medicine monday and I cross my fingers that she will, and she’ll become the girl I miss again!
            Right now, I’m trying to work on myself (I actually went out for a run, which I didn’t have time for when we were together because all of my attention was on her) and I’m actually glad that I have time for that right now, but I still miss her.
            Guess I’m going to try getting happy with myself for now and then get better until we’re going to talk again (Which we both agree on doing)!
            Again, thank you all for your sweet replies – I actually didn’t expect any to begin with! It really helps a lot and I’m very gratefull! I hope you’ll keep helping me out in my situation!

            Much love!
            -ON

          • ON says:

            And another thing!
            Should I reach out to her on monday (when she get her meds) to tell her that I’m still here for her and that I hope that she’ll get better? I think of just going casual about it. Since I’ve not showing any interest in her the last couple of days I fear that she doesn’t think that I’m there for her anymore – Which I certanly am. I want her to miss me but I also want her to know that I’ll still support her. The truth is that I want her back as a girlfriend but I don’t think that she should know that yet.
            Should I reach out to her on monday?
            If you have any suggestion, it would help me a lot to know what you’re thinking!
            -ON

          • Leesh82 says:

            I think only you can decide if you want to reach out or not on Monday. See how you feel about it on Monday. If you decide to do it, prepare yourself for no response.

            If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have reached out over some things. He knew where he was if he needed to talk. I don’t think they easily forget about you. It’s important to look after your mental health. Remember, you are going through a break up too. We don’t always think rationally when we go through it. That’s why I would suggest giving yourself space too. Look after yourself. She knows you are there for her. Going by what you’ve done already, I have no doubt she knows that.

  34. Eliza says:

    My boyfriend asked for a time out.

    I had been really down due to my personal problems and one day when I was ranting to him, he snapped. He said that I have broken him. We didn’t have any relationship problem before this (I could be really blind and I did not see the issue). He has since shut me out.

    Awhile back, I texted to ask if he is ready to talk and expressed that I am unwilling to let go of our relationship without a fight. I told him that if there is any issue with me, he can tell me and we can work things out. However, he told me that he is very sick (mentally).

    I had been giving him space, checking in once in a while. He had been hot and cold (mostly, cold). We don’t live together. And I know that he is not seeking professional help. What can I do? Is it advisable to continue checking in with him?

  35. Kris says:

    So this past Thursday, my boyfriend of five months was supposed to finally come see me after we hadn’t seen each other in almost 2 months due to both Covid, distance, and I was out of state helping my family for two weeks and he was out of state helping his family for 5 days. It just was sort of a perfect storm of not seeing each other. Or so I thought. The last few weeks, it seemed like every time I asked to see him there was some reason why we couldn’t. So when he offered to come see me last Thursday I got excited. The day came and I asked him about what time I could expect him and he said he had some responsibilities at home he was taking care of but would try his best to. Day came and went and no seeing him. So that evening, I messaged him asking when a good time to talk might be, he has a daughter and I knew he’s be putting her down to bed soon so I wanted to be considerate of that. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to talk talk not text about it. He then jumped to “if you have something to say just say it”. I was taken aback because he had never been aggressive like that with me before. So I proceeded to ask where we were as far as our relationship went because it had been a while since we talked about it. I wasn’t exactly ready for what I got but his answer was that he is in a crazy place in his life, depressed but doesn’t feel depressed yet doesn’t know who he is or who he wants to be and is pushing everyone out of his life and literally feels nothing and cares about nothing and he admitted it was a real problem. I wasn’t sure what to say because this was the first time he had ever told me anything like this before but I said I was so sorry he was feeling that way and thanked him for being willing to tell me. He then never responded after that and the next day I sent my usual good morning text. It took him till lunch to finally respond with how are you doing. I said I was ok and it turned in to a bit of small talk over the rest of the day with nothing deep. The next day I messaged again the same way we always did with good morning. And I got nothing back. He always had his read receipts on, which was super annoying but, he either turned them off, blocked me or never read my text because it never showed up as read. I waited an waited. I proceeded to send one more message the next day saying “I understood if he needed space/time. I knew he was dealing with a lot, but I wanted him to know someone cared about him even if he didn’t care about anything. I was here if he needed me, if not I was praying for him.” And that was the end of it. I’ve heard absolutely nothing. He hasn’t blocked me on the ONLY social media that I use, Snapchat, but we also aren’t sending individual messages on there and he’s not opening any of my stories but he is posting on his own the same way he always has.
    I do believe him when he said he was depressed, mostly because he’s been going through some crazy rough stuff with work, home life and his daughter, which I knew all about because we’ve talked about all of it regularly, I just didn’t know how badly it had effected him mentally till last week.
    The ghosting has sort of solidified in my mind that the relationship probably is not salvageable. And while I’m not happy about that, I’m working on accepting it as each day passes. I have zero idea whether he will ever reach back out so I’m telling myself he never will, because that’s easier than holding on for hope IMO.
    It sucks! And I feel like I got slapped in the face but I also feel like if he is truly depressed, he needs help and I know I can’t give it to him.
    I have no idea if how I handled it was good or not or if I’m just rambling on now but man alive it hurts.

    • Cooper says:

      Well, Kris, your experience mirrors mine. My X started to find every reason to not spend time together. I recall one time she had to spend the evening “packing” for a day trip to her brother’s the next day. I mean, really? I may be a quick packer, but it certainly doesn’t take an entire evening to put a change of clothes in a duffel bag. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t sit around and talk to her while she did. Soon, her texts became less and less and talking on the phone was not possible. I’d call and she respond much later with a text. Infuriating, to say the least.

      I can offer no great reason why other than to say his mind is clouded. You can’t take it personally. Depression makes people do odd things, and it often seems those closest to the depressed person gets the brunt of the pain…next to the sufferer.

      Personally, I tend to believe our depressed partners shut us out because the pain of hurting and losing us is too extreme to be handled. I equate it to those stories you read in which a child represses the pain of something seen or felt. I’ve turned to this site and others to make sense of the logical, but it’s still hard to comprehend. If they ever recover or really want us back in their lives is tbd. I’ve only found a few success stories.

      Be sure to research depression from the side of the afflicted. As much as I wouldn’t wish what we are experiencing on my worst enemy, I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone.

      • Shanna says:

        I’m so thankful that I stumbled on this post tonight. My BF of five months ended things with me this morning because of depression. This is the second time in five months. He deleted me on Facebook and told me it was dramatic and he knows. But he misses his kids who live in another state and his job is not giving him the money that he needs right now. I had rotator cuff surgery in may and he hasn’t been there for me at all recently and tells me that I make him feel guilty for that. Which I know is never guilt trip him but it’s his own mind feeling that. I was in pain last night and in a flood of tears because I felt my shoulder pop. I asked him to come over just to be with me. He said he was coming and never showed. He hasn’t been coming to see me but once every week or less. I asked him this morning if we were over and
        He said that he has too many issues and is extremely depressed and wants to move to Texas to be near his kids. He has been emotional, sleepless, tired and upset. He said he can’t give me the attention I need And he just needs to clear his head. He just ended it and blocked me on iMessage. He told me before I was the first girlfriend that he doesn’t have to take care of or needs him for anything. I just value our time and he said he can’t give me that. I’m so heartbroken right now and while I know it’s not me, or hurts to have someone walk away so quickly. It felt so impulsive but I know that’s my emotional mind talking and rationally he’s been thinking about it. It’s left a huge hole in my heart today and reading everyone’s stories helps me get my own closure and stop beating myself up about it.

        • Charles says:

          Shanna. Do not worry you are not the only one who got hurt like that. You said it “reading everyone’s stories helps me get my own closure” same thing happened to me.
          And the rejection and ghosting/ignoring hurt a lot but don’t worry it’s not because of something you did, it’s just there way of coping with the breakup and depressionMy ex gf blocked me and deleted me from every form of social media.
          It’s hard to see someone leave all of a sudden but it’s for the best long term. It will save you from a lot of pain if he was not willing to get help.

    • Cooper says:

      Kris…this link takes you to a forum John references in his writing. This particular link takes you to a depressive talking about his depression. It’s sobering, scary and, frankly, makes me tear up just a bit.

      https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/want-to-know-what-depression-is-like-part-ii-relat-t1999.html

  36. Misty says:

    Hello, so on June 24th my boyfriend broke up with me. I dont know what triggered him and he won’t tell me either. We dated about 4 months and it was a long distance relationship. Im in the US and he lives in Australia. I did tell him in the beginning when we met that i wasnt looking for a relationship and that long distance relationship dont last, but he managed to persuade it and we began to date. In the beginning he was super sweet amd we would voice chat and text every day. He was very open about his past relationships and how it never went well with any of them, his longest relationship being 1 year. He also told me his laat relationship was last year that lasted 6months. He never did telle exact details as to why it didnt last. He told me he does suffer from depression when we began to date, and that he used to have dark thoughts and would sometimes cut himself, but me being with him and hearing my voice was relaxing for him. We would send pictures and snapchats to know wat each other was doing. He also spoke about the future and how i would be a great mother to his kids andother stuff. I told him i would be willing to move over there with him and we even talked about how i can be a citizen over there. I said i would visit him this year in November and move in with him next year after i graduate college. But the day before he broke up with me he seemed a bit different and i asked if he was ok but clearly he wasn’t and he responded that he was fine. He then started to act way different and didnt want to talk to me and i toldhim that i cant understand what is going on if he doesn’t tell me, he then tells me “Because I don’t feel like talking but that is apparently A Big crime”. I told him that i care about him and to tell me abouthis feelings. He says “Honestly don’t care anymore just prefer to feel numb to any type of emotion”. And then he said he was done and left voice chat. I was so confused as to what happened, bcause i dont remember doing anything wrong. As to the day he broke up with me, “I’ve spent A long time thinking about this. There’s literally no version of this that doesn’t get emotional. So here I go I think it’s best we just remain friends. This long distance thing isn’t healthy for me. It’s been adding to my anxiety and depression and yesterday was my breaking point. I love you I do but I feel it’s best we just stay friends. I’m sorry.” I respondedthat i understand and that we can be friends and im sorry for whatever i did and i never meant to hurt him, i did cry and i felt and still feel depressed. I responded “I’m here for you as well. I am sorry I hurt you, I won’t forget about what we had. and I don’t want things to change with us in VC’s”. That same day he asked if we could voice chat and when he was on, he acted like normal like he wasnt fazed at all that we broke up or even considered my feelings, becuse he asked why i was so quiet. Like do you not understand how i feel. I cried two days but i said ots fine that we stay friends so im working on that and being normal about it. He blocked me in Facebook and Snapchat, the only way we talk is through discord voice chat he still hase as a friend there. I do try to text him to show that im doing better and just seeing how hes doing with his depression, buthe never responds back, he stll talks toe in voice chat but not in text, why? Im so confused. He never talks about what is wrong and then gets mad saying he doesnt need to talk. Can someone help me understand does he want to stay friends just so he doesn’t hurt my feelings, or does he want to see if we can be together when hes better that he needs some space. Ibe never loved anyone as much as i did with him.

    • Charles says:

      Hello Misty, sorry that like us all you have to go through this. I am no therapist, i only speak from experience with a depressed partner, the thing is that their depression completely consumes them and drains them so they have no more emotions, and that is why they feel “numb”, many times i heard that from my ex and it hurts to hear the person that means the world to you say that she has no emotions while you are there boiling up with emotions for them. It’s not that he does not understand how you feel, he just can’t handle it and process it properly, his mind is taken over by his depression. That is why they push us away, it’s easier for them to blame us and make us part of the reason why they have depression and everytime they hear from us or come in contact it reminds them of their inability to be a proper bf/gf and it hurts them even more an they end up blocking us as if that will lead to block the depression. That is what you need to understand, it’s not because of you, you did nothing wrong and you should not blame yourself, i know it’s hard cause even for me who is giving you this advice can’t seem to take my own advice sometimes and i relapse into blaming myself and get anxiety. It’s hard and it will take time but believe me there is nothing you can do. In my opinion you need to stay away for your own health, i know you love him, but for your own good stay away, and him wanting to be your friend i am sorry to say that but it’s because that way he doesn’t need to feel guilty about hurting you because that guilt will ad to his depression. If you need to talk to someone, and anyone reading my comments needs someone to talk, you can reach me on my email charlestawile [at] outlook [dot] com and we can share numbers or something privately, hopefully sharing thoughts and stories will help us all get better.

  37. Daisy says:

    I was wondering if anyone has read of a story that ends up well, where the depressed partner returns to be himself again, regrets what he did and gets his feelings back? I read so many comments and none of them is giving me hope 🙁

    • If you read around this site some more, you’ll find that my story turns out well. I tried to get the idea of hope across in the posts I edited into Surviving Depression Together, but you don’t have to buy that little book to get the essentials of what I went through.

      All the best to you – John

      • Daisy says:

        Thank you so much John, I am going to read it now. And thanks also for this website. It means a lot to so many of us!

  38. Jenna says:

    My boyfriend of roughly 8 months left almost three weeks ago to start a job in Alaska. While he was making his way up there, he would call me almost every night and we’d have a quick chat. Once he arrived at his destination, things kind of blew up for me with having a housing problems and my cat needing to be put down. I started to call him more frequently and perhaps relied on him a bit too much. Regardless, this only lasted two days. On a Monday night, the same day we put my cat of 16 years down, we got into an argument because he said he needed a bit of space and to just not be on the phone. However, at the time, feeling desperate and extremely sad about the loss of our cat, I simply couldn’t handle hearing it. I said a number of things that I didn’t mean and don’t want. He was understanding and had said that he thought we were overthinking things. Later on in the conversation he just shuts down and really stops talking and says, “maybe you’re right, maybe we aren’t cut out for this.” And I asked him if it was just the long distance or the talking on the phone. He said it was just talking on the phone all the time. I told him I didn’t expect that and that I could change my behavior. Prior to him leaving, we have had an amazing relationship, he has been loving, supportive, and we have been very serious. He has brought up many times of us getting engaged, married, having kids and moving to Alaska together. Even we’ve had a problem, it has been navigated well and we’ve largely been able to communicate. Being long distance certainly changes this. At the end of our conversation we had agreed to talk on a Thursday… Well that came and went because he seemed to be a bit overwhelmed with doing tele-training for his new job. He said he’d call over the weekend, but that came and went too. I texted him on Sunday night, it was a neutral text, but I did say I needed some certainty about our relationship and where we stand. He sent me the weirdest text that I would have never expected from him. He feels like a terrible person that he can’t be there for me and that he felt like a guilty asshole, etc. He said that should find someone else that can be there for me. He said that he would live alone forever as a hermit and die alone in the woods somewhere. I tried to call him when he sent this, and then texted him that I felt that speaking on the phone would be the best way to communicate and said that we hadn’t been doing this long distance thing very long and that we need to give ourselves more time to adjust, and that we can do it together. He didn’t respond.

    A day later, I sent him a video that was extremely positive, letting him know I wanted to move on from this, that I choose him, and telling him I wanted us to change our path and talk on this coming Saturday – just a quick pleasant conversation. I said I’d start by sending him a few pictures, etc. I also was clear that he did not need to respond.

    But after the text he sent me it seems like something is off. I know he gets stressed before new jobs, and he is likely worried about money. More than that, however, I wonder if he may be isolated, alone, and perhaps depressed. We have never had a conversation about depression, but he has shared about times in his life he felt very alone and would cry at night, etc. I wonder if him leaving (though it is temporary) and all these other anxieties has thrown him into a spiral. I am scared of what will happen when I try to call on Saturday. What I will do if he doesn’t respond. I just hope that he remembers how much he loves me and how great we are. Whenever we’ve had an argument or any problem, he has always said “It’ll take a lot more than that to scare me away.”

    Honestly, I’m fine now, my housing issue is fixed and I am still grieving for my kitty. I wish he knew that I shouldn’t have expected him to be there for me over the phone, and I certainly don’t hold it against him. I have a support network and I should have relied on them, but I am human and I am still learning. I have been talking to my counselor a lot. I want him to know I am here for him and that I still love him, but I also do not want to overwhelm him. I do believe that perhaps when he starts his job (which will be very physical) that that will help him, as well as being around people again. But his text was certainly not a firm break up text. I am wondering if I give him space and time to come to, or if there is a point I need to firmly say “I need to know if we are still together…” etc.

    It’s miserable to feel like I may lose him. We are only supposed to be apart for a few months, and I was hoping to plan a trip to see him very soon, but now I don’t know since he may not respond. This weekend it will have been two weeks since we last spoke. I wonder when I should contact his family and express my concern, when I should give up, when I should be firm. This is certainly out of the ordinary for him, and I don’t really believe that my few days of being overwhelmed would have scared him away. We spent months together during quarantine and we navigated my overwhelm during that time too.

    • P says:

      Hi Jenna I am so sorry to read that you are feeling this way & my heart goes out to you, as it is not easy, the ‘rejection’ as such with no explanation, or any reason to the best of your knowledge makes it so confusing and harder to deal with because at the end of the day, neither person in the relationship has done anything wrong enough to warrant the relationship to be ended by one or the other, its not like somebody has cheated etc, that’s an awful ending but at least there is an answer or a reason.
      Your story is almost the same as mine except the long distance part. We talked about & planned a future etc, everything was ok until the lockdown, where he became obsessed about that, things deteriorated in that i didnt know where I was in the relationship, and 3 weeks ago he asked for time out to sort out his head etc, after previously saying he needed a couple of weeks to himself & then everything would be ok, i gave him that but had to contact him occasionally due to things I had been previously sorting out for him. Anyway to cut a long story short we had a conversation earlier tonight, thrashed everything out over a few hours & the bottom line is that he needs space & time to sort his head out, I have offered him support as his partner/girlfriend or support just in the way of friendship but he says no, he needs to do this himself, he feels nothing but he says I am the best thing to ever happen to him etc etc & he will now lose that but he cant help how he feels, he feels numb etc. He told me he needed to make one thing clear that it was nothing to do with me, I have done nothing wrong at all, he couldnt wish for any better but he needs to be on his own – i think I am a stage further than you, but what I’m trying to say is & i have learned this the hard way – the minute they say they need space for 2 or 3 weeks, or mention needing space at all, give it to them. They have an illness that consumes them to the point of despair, they cant think of anything outside that illness except trying to get through that day & the sad thing about it is that they actually do remember the good times but it means nothing to them at this present time. I would contact the family if you have reason to be worried about him.
      And just to confirm, it was nothing to do with your few days of feeling overwhelmed, this depression has been with him for a while and he couldnt hide it any longer, he probably has been trying to disguise it for a while and could no longer hide it. You now need to take care of yourself & hope that he gets professional help either where he is or when he moves back, we cant help them or fix them as we are not professionally trained to do that & because they are emotionally involved with us, they see us as a burden because they can no longer maintain the relationship, no matter what choices we give them. I have an ex boyfriend lying in his own house tonight on his own in inner turmoil, while I am in my house wworrying about him & stressing – I asked him at the end of our conversation when he is feeling like this does he not want his loved one with him just for company or to hold him & he replied nooo, that is the last thing he would want. So i got my answer & my closure. It will be hard to deal with but we have to think of ourselves now, I know it will be hard because we think we need to support/ help them but they are in a different frame of mind to us totally. I know this probably isnt what you want to read, but I wish you all the strength & compassion in the world, make sure you have friends or family around you, not even to talk but just to be there – I went out to my parents house earlier tonight & it was great just to have them there, tomorrow I am going to my sister’s house

      • Cooper says:

        Just an awesome response that only could be provided by someone with first-hand experience.

        This line…the ‘rejection’ as such with no explanation, or any reason to the best of your knowledge makes it so confusing and harder to deal with because at the end of the day, neither person in the relationship has done anything wrong enough to warrant the relationship to be ended by one or the other, its not like somebody has cheated etc, that’s an awful ending but at least there is an answer or a reason…so perfectly depicts why dealing with a depressed partner is so very, very tough to wrap one’s head around.

        • P says:

          Yes Cooper I am speaking from raw first hand experience.

          My response & conclusion dont make it any easier to deal with the situation i find myself in, I am absolutely heartbroken because depression has came & stole my relationship & it cant be ‘fixed’ because its not fixable by us.

          You feel they ‘string you along’ for whatever length of time you are feeling that something is wrong, they tell you to firstly give them 2 or 3 days space to get their head cleared, then they need a couple of weeks etc etc, and what kills us is this person isn’t the person we know, they are cold & withdrawn, sitting talking to us like we are some random stranger they had struck up a conversation with in the shop or on the bus or at work, flinch when we try to hug them, use every excuse in the book for us not to spend time together, they look & sound like our SO but they aren’t talking like them or acting like them, by that stage in their heads they are gone out of the relationship but are trying to break it to us gently or trying to keep it together, maybe both I dont know!

          All I know is the relationship appears to have changed overnight but in hindsight it hasnt, it has been changing from before they tell us to give them a couple of days to clear their heads, its happening right in front of our eyes but because we dont know what is happening due to them not being able to make sense of what is happening to them, we are fighting a losing battle.

          What I’m trying to say is listen to them from the very minute they ask for space, listen to your gut instinct – it is already screaming at you because you already know something isnt right, your stomach is in knots, a wave of dread comes over you frequently, you are tearful, you are frustrated, you want this feeling to end, but it wont end because you are fighting a losing battle….until you finally listen to them, until you listen to what you dont want to hear – they feel nothing, that they are numb etc. At this point you have to give up fighting for them, you feel relief because you have got closure on eerything you had been thinking, wondering, querying, obsessing over, now you get a different set of pain to go along with this new situation. You get the acceptance that you can do no more, but now you are grieving the end of the relationship, the end of all your hopes & dreams with your special person, whats easier here is now you know – you know that it really is over as opposed to spending months wondering whats wrong, is it me, is it on, is it off, did you say something, absolutely wrecking your head over-thinking everything.

          • Cooper says:

            “flinch when we try to hug them, use every excuse in the book for us not to spend time together, they look & sound like our SO but they aren’t talking like them or acting like them, by that stage in their heads they are gone out of the relationship but are trying to break it to us gently or trying to keep it together, maybe both I dont know!”

            I know this all too well. My X had a number of “reasons” why we couldn’t get together that never really made sense. But your last sentence is what really made me pause. I could see things slipping for a few months, but my X continued the relationship. I was patient, because there were some legitimate issues she was managing, and I knew nothing about depression. Yet, she almost seemed to be trying to end things and keep us together at the same time. In retrospect, I’m guessing she was trying to fully understand what she was feeling, as well.. “How could I all of sudden not be into this relationship?”

            I’m in a different spot than “At this point you have to give up fighting for them, you feel relief because you have got closure on eerything you had been thinking, wondering, querying, obsessing over.” It’s hard to say I’ve got closure, because I’m still in a bit of shock. I’ve had to go searching for my own closure via this site and others trying to make sense of the “illogical.” The question I always ask myself is if she were ever to return, what would I do. That may be wishful thinking for a decision I’ll probably never need to make, but trying to understand depression really ties me up in knots.

          • Anonymous says:

            I couldn’t have explained that any clearer them you just did. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this from my husband of 19yrs before. When he comes out if it he’s always back to his old loving self. He admits to having depression when his head is clear but once I start noticing the changes again he goes back into denial and won’t seek help. This time he asked for a divorce out of nowhere. I can’t take it anymore. This situation has put me in therapy. Unfortunately, now I want out. It doesn’t matter if he gets help or not. I can’t have my mental health or out son’s health suffer because of this.

        • P says:

          Cooper I couldnt reply to your reply down below:
          ….You say…….I’m in a different spot than “At this point you have to give up fighting for them, you feel relief because you have got closure on eerything you had been thinking, wondering, querying, obsessing over.” It’s hard to say I’ve got closure, because I’m still in a bit of shock. I’ve had to go searching for my own closure via this site and others trying to make sense of the “illogical.” The question I always ask myself is if she were ever to return, what would I do. That may be wishful thinking for a decision I’ll probably never need to make, but trying to understand depression really ties me up in knots.

          When i said i got closure, i was meaning that when I had the deep talk with my ex bf & he stated clearly what he was thinking, as in he couldnt feel anything, he was numb etc etc i got closure from the point of view of living on my nerves wondering what was happening within the relationship, trying to guess if we were okay, trying to guess what was wrong – i now knew that there was no relationship from his side & that closed the wondering part of things, but then it opened the door to a new set of pain grieving a relationship that was ended just like that.

          Like you I also wonder what would happen if he came back, one part of me thinks the relationship couldnt pick up where it left off due to the circumstances of it ending & the head space they are/were in, Ive concluded I might suggest we can start from the start again & start dating, because dont forget, this is somebody who we knew so well but then their personality changed & its so hard to reconcile those two people.

          • Daisy says:

            Hi P,
            Everything you describe is exactly what has happened in my story. Feeling numb, needing space, your partner being cold and acting like a stranger. Do you think their personality will ever go back to what it was? And, do you think their personality only changed towards us, or also towards other people? I am not sure if he has changed with his family and friends

          • S says:

            I’ve been reading both your insights and back and forth about your respective ex’s and their depression. What hurts the most is how quickly they move forward or is that a facade? My ex revealed that he was struggling internally for a whole year but I only found out in January 2020 and he ended our marriage in March and I requested him to please give us time and chance but he kept chanting no amount of time or chance can fix it. According to him the problems he sees are beyond both of us. He could only see everything from his perspective. How could he change so drastically overnight? And when I told him you seem so different he just said may be I am different. Breaks my heart how coldly he ended everything. I don’t think my spouse will ever realise and come around and even if he does I just cannot go on with this relationship. The emotional hurt is just too painful. I too am in a state of shock because it’s like someone flicked a switch and the man I married is completely gone.

    • P says:

      Daisy says:
      June 29, 2020 at 5:15 pm
      “Hi P,
      Everything you describe is exactly what has happened in my story. Feeling numb, needing space, your partner being cold and acting like a stranger. Do you think their personality will ever go back to what it was? And, do you think their personality only changed towards us, or also towards other people? I am not sure if he has changed with his family and friends”

      Hi Daisy
      I don’t know to be honest – my thoughts on it are if they would get professional help/go into therapy it would get to the root of the problem, most GPs nowadays just prescribe medication to treat the illness, but that doesn’t get to the cause of the illness – my ex told me during our final discussions which were very in-depth, that problems came flooding back last year from his childhood, he doesn’t know what triggered them, so to me he needs professional help to get to the bottom of that – the problem with these mental health issues is that we don’t know how long they will need therapy for, I personally dont think a few weeks or a few months will resolve their issues – due to the fact that their issues have got that bad in their heads that they have shut us out, so to me the issues have been building up & building up over an extended period of time and they just couldn’t handle them any longer & it’s unfortunate that it was our relationships which ended up in the firing line.

      And I think we get the worst of their personality change because they are emotionally involved with us and have to shut us out as their brains are that consumed with the illness they cant handle the stress and strain and responsibility of maintaining a relationship. With my ex he talked a bit to a friend and to his mother but didnt tell them enough. But he did say that work associates and people he met day to day in the shop etc all remarked there was something different about him, so he obviously was quieter or not as friendly with them, but that didnt matter to him as he wasnt seeing them all the time or in contact, which brings me back to my original point that we get treated differently (worse) because of the emotional involvement.

    • P says:

      “According to him the problems he sees are beyond both of us. He could only see everything from his perspective”

      Hi S

      Unfortunately he is right, depression is beyond us all and he appears selfish in that it is all from his perspective but again he is corect there too – They are that consumed with depression which takes over their whole thought process, it even takes over their whole physical bodies – it is an illness and it is only by reading through all these posts, doing research and really listening to my ex during our final in-depth conversation that I ‘heard’ exactly how it affects them – it gave me closure as in finally i had an answer as to why he was acting the way he was and it took the knots away from my stomach because I was worrying, stressing if we are on, if we are off, whats happening etc – but it hasnt happened overnight, it has been in their heads for a long time and they dont have the energy or emotional strength to fight it. I may have got closure from that part but then I got a different type of pain & heartache due to realising the relationship as I once knew it is now over and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is it so I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m not even daring to hope that he will come back to me & if he did I’m afraid he wont be the same person & nor will I, so on the other hand I also think I would rather deal with & work through this heartbreak & try to move on

  39. E. says:

    Hi, I need some advice. Please help me…

    My boyfriend is depressed and he said I was the cause of it. He said I have hurt him.
    Recently during the lockdown, he said he wants a time out. I gave him the space he needed but I check in on him once in a while. His replies were okay – thanking me for checking on him, etc.

    However, he said that I am not helping him and his replies seem to suggest that he wants me to leave him and he doesn’t want to continue with the relationship. What do I do? I don’t want to leave of course. But do I continue to check in on him when he seems so irked by me?

    • Cooper says:

      In my experience, if a depressed partner says he/she needs space, provide it. It may well be the toughest thing you ever have to do, but think about it as a gift of love. Your partner is asking for something and you want to satisfy that request. If it were me, I’d just send a brief note, nothing too heavy, letting him know you care for him and to reach out when and if he’s ready or needs some help.

      In full transparency, you may never hear from him again. I know this is not what you or any partner dealing with this situation wants to hear, but it’s the reality of the situation. You just can’t love depression out of a partner. I also found normal suggestions for helping a depressed friend do not carry over to a depressed partner. The variance in the emotional connection just gets in the way.
      John has some great perspective on this in several of his entries, as well.

      • E. says:

        Thank you cooper for your insights.

        Giving him the space is fine. But I am worried that if I don’t check on him, he will continue to isolate himself further. And I don’t feel that that is healthy.

        I feel the responsibility to take care of him but at the same time, I am worried that I am the one who is bringing him down.

        • Anonymous says:

          I can see how challenging managing that dilemma could be. He’s an adult, though. You really cannot make him do anything. If you think he’s going to do some serious harm to himself or others, then certainly reach out as necessary.

          Nearly everything you’ll find on any site will note that your partner really won’t get better until he decides he wants to get better. Again, I will not say it’s easy. It may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life. Would you rather him get better and reenter your life a better person or deal with his current personality forever?

    • Charles says:

      E. I agree with what Cooper said. This will sound harsh. I am sorry to say but from my experience you can’t help, as Cooper said “You can’t love depression out of a partner”. I did that mistake and it back fired hard on me.

      You try showing them so much love and at first it might work but after a while depression hits again and they will make you the reason (although you are not) because it’s easier for them to blame you. And that shit hurts… being blamed and accused by the person you trying to help and you love.

      Without going into to much details, you want to help, you want to be the one to save them, you want them to believe that the relationship and the love is all they need to rely on to become better, you want them to see how pure your love for them is… but for them they don’t see or feel that way. You will be accused and blamed and treated bad, and you feel like shit not only because of that but because you know it’s the depression taking over and making them say these things, they become a different person than the one you love.

      You end up hurting yourself. Instead of bringing them up you end up bringing yourself down. Think about it. It’s torture, end the torture as soon as you can. It is impossible to think about not being with them, believe me i know. But would you prefer continuing putting yourself through this and at the end having them breaking your heart by leaving you, while also blaming you for it after all you tried and that eat away at your conscience? Or would you prefer taking the better (although it seems the wrong and harder decision but it is not) decision by just staying away, because at the end of the day, you are taking care of him but who is taking care of you? You devote your time to them and you forget about yourself and they don’t spend anytime on you because they can’t.

      I speak from experience, and i can write a way longer more detailed message than this to answer your dilemma. Just understand the road ahead if you stay is gonna be painful in ways you can’t imagine. Have mercy on yourself and on him. Stay away please… please, it will affect your health staying.

      • Anonymous says:

        Do you think, in your situation and in general, if the partner gets the proper help, things can be repaired and a relationship rebuilt?

        • Charles says:

          In general if you are truly in love with your partner then yes. But they have to seek the proper help because otherwise it will not matter and best to stay away for your own good.

          My situation is different, i do not give up on people and it was my downfall, i got so invested and at the end my partner during quarantine (she lives with family, i live alone) was eaten by guilt and anxiety of not being there for me as much as me for her as i supported her everyday, she put that blame on me for making her feel like a bad person just because i treated her good and she could not do the same, and that i was trying to make her need me for my own selfish reasons (wtf), and her depression was gaining control again.
          She ended all communication 2 months ago and now i heard from a friend that she is moving away end of July, most depressed partners think that by starting new life somewhere else and leaving their current partners that the depression will go away because in their heads we are the cause of that depression.
          So no my friend in my case there is no repairing, i wish i could, broke my heart again when i heard she is moving away. I will share my story on this website soon as i have been commenting but never told my story.

          • Lili says:

            Please do! I feel like my bf broke up with me to see if his depression will go away. Thing is, it won’t. Now he has absolutely no one, he only keep shallow relationships around him.

  40. Linda says:

    (broken up with yesterday) My exboyfriend suffers from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. He was open about his depression and how it runs in his family from the start, he told me he was unable to feel happiness and joy and never felt such emotions. He just couldnt. He was cutter as a teen. His brother committed suicide. He’s never been close to absolutely anyone in his life. His friends and family don’t mean much to him. He’s always been quiet and reserved. But with me he was different.
    We dated and things went fast, he showered me with love and affection and I did too. We needed each other at that time and understood one another, we communicated greatly.
    I asked him if he ever got help and he said he had once but thought it was stupid and hated the meds.
    He accepted that that was just the way he is and that it will never change. I thought that was sad and I saw it eating me up inside.
    All of our problems had roots in his depression. His depression didn’t allow him to understand the sacrifices I was making to be with him were affecting me (i.e: moving to 3 different states in a year where he had family and a job in each and I had nothing and no one because he didn’t like the first 2 states), he wouldn’t see things from my perceptive. He never showed interest in learning about my life, meeting my friends, spending time with my family… but I was expected to hangout with his friends, spend a load of time with his family and have dinner with them every other day. I tried explaining how draining that was getting, especially when it’s not reciprocated. I tried explaining to him my needs and how certain things he did hurt me and that would make him react poorly and end up in an argument. He did put a lot of effort in the relationship and showed affection in his own way, it’s just that he was bad at communicating his feelings and needs. He would bubble it all up. I would brush things off after a time and reassure him that it is no big deal. I realized that I always felt empty experiencing things with him and never really felt excited, because everything was meaningless to him. I feel like my personality was muted when with him because he was so stoic and quiet. I loved him but I questioned if he was the right one for me. He always masked his depression to the world and I didn’t understand the signs. He would not listen to me, distract himself when being spoken to, spend a ton of time playing videogames, selfmedicate by smoking a ton of weed.
    Getting information out of him was like pulling teeth, only after a big argument would he tell me that it is his depression, but he would never elaborate further. Never told me what he needed from me in those moments.
    Couple of months ago, I felt him being distant and brought it up to him, he said nothing had changed, I disagreed, after an argument he then tells me it was his depression that was causing it and left it at that. Everything was fine. Two weeks ago we went on a break, telling me that he’s been feeling numb the last couple of months, yesterday he calls me telling me that he felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders and it was the strain that *I* had caused onto the relationship and that he had lost his trust in me. I told him it wasn’t fair how I was left in the dark for most of our 2 yr + relationship and how he is now blaming me for not understanding and causing drama over stuff that would of been easily fixed had he communicated with me instead of blowing up or retreating himself. He rarely saw middle grounds. I told him he should give me a chance now that I know but he refused. He fell out of love with me months ago. He wants to cut contact entirely. I have access to his youtube account and see his history is filled with sad love songs in the theme of “the one that got away” or “I won’t get over you”.
    It’s only been a day and although I am sad and as much as I love him ( I did ask hims for a second chance afterall), I realized that this is not what I wanted. I want a fulfilling and exciting relationship with substance, I want someone who shows interest in who I am and want to meet my friends and family and I want to do the same for them. I want someone with a hunger to live and to experience life. Someone with passions. Someone I can love with confidence, someone who can love me back enough to understand that communication and finding middle grounds is important. I love my ex, but he wasn’t giving me what I needed out of a relationship and caused me a lot of stress and pain. Don’t know if he would ever want me back, but if so, the only condition is that he accepts to get help.

  41. jason says:

    I was with my partner for 7.5 years. We were such a dynamic couple that we hardly ever fought during this time. We had a wonderful 7.5 years together and we were building a life for ourselves. I never knew my partner had depression, but i’ve just found out that she did suffer from it in her adolescence.

    3 weeks ago, she had a dream that i was going to leave her and woke up scared, saying, “don’t ever leave me”. Me, being supportive, texted her saying “unlike your dream, i will never leave you. I love you.” We had been under a lot of pressure because we were renovating our house and we had a very active puppy who put lots of strain on our relationship, being so busy. 7 days later she told me that a switch had flicked in her brain and she couldn’t be with me anymore and she saw no future together.

    She has retreated into herself and is refusing to speak to long term friends. She is dealing with her life at the surface level and isn’t acknowledging that she needs help. She shut down completely and has been distant and cold, where she was once the warmest, most compassionate and empathetic person to everyone.

    I am utterly devastated and i’m now seeking counselling. I just want her back, she is honestly my soulmate. I don’t know how to live my life without her anymore and this has been breaking me apart.

    I felt like i had to share my story because i can honestly say our relationship was as close to perfect as i could ever imagine one. Our entire friendship group and families are devastated and i want people to know that this happens, that mental illness is a serious issue and those who are affected by it need to get help.

    If anyone has any advice for me and what i should do, i’d really like to hear it.

    • Daisy says:

      Hi Jason,
      Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was also in a relationship for 7.5 years. My partner was the most caring and loving person I have ever met. He adored me and never stopped for all the time we have been together. Then, a few months ago, he was going through a very stressfull period at work and he started to be a bit distant. I asked if he was okay and he started to cry and said he was unhappy. A few months passed and he didn’t get any better. He passed from having suicidal thoughts to say he was feeling numb. He said he couldn’t see a future anymore for us, that he was very pessimistic and confused. He asked for some time alone, so I left and now he is not talking to me, at all. He disappeared. For me everything is surreal, it doesn’t seem possible that he is the same person I once knew. He seems like a stranger to me. I have also seeked councelling because this is too hard to accept

      • Cooper says:

        Surreal…good word choice. It’s near impossible to make sense of everything, like maybe it’s just a bad dream to which I’ll wake up soon.

        My experience has been very similar. I say has rather than was, because I hold out hope. It’s been awhile, though, and that hope is fading. One of the disappointing aspects of everything is the pain now overshadows almost any positive memory I have of my ex.

        • Daisy says:

          I know what you mean. Last time I texted him I asked to stop ignoring me and ruining all the good memories I have. He never replied. He was diagnosed with depression and he started to see a therapist and to take medication, but now it’s been a while. Like yours, my hope is also fading. It’s impossible for me to understand how someone can pass from being loving and sensitive to complete selfish. It is a surreal situation

    • E. says:

      Hi Jason, Daisy and Cooper,

      I am in a very similar situation to all of you.
      I am so lost now and I don’t know what to do.
      Do you all continue to stay in touch with your partner or let him or her be alone…?

      • Lauren J says:

        Hi all,

        I’m also in the same situation 🙁

        We were so loved up and had our lives planned until a few weeks into lockdown. He completely changed.

        He said he feels sad and he doesn’t know why and like a dark cloud is over him. I supported him as much as possible but every week has got worse to the point he broke up with me a few days ago and wanted to cut contact. He said his feelings have changed recently and he has zero explanation.

        I feel a mixture of anger and pure sadness. I feel so lost and I find myself just crying all day and not sleeping because I don’t know what to do.

        He’s messaged me a few times asking if I’m ok and said that he doesn’t know what’s happened to him. I’m so broken and taken back by it all, I don’t know how or what to respond. This is out of the blue.

        He said he’s never felt this low before, and if it is depression, he can’t help but feel the way he does (he’s lost interest in his job too). He said he looks in the mirror and doesn’t recognise himself.

        He’s quite a stressy person in general and has gone through some recent life changes (divorce, moving out of his family home), but he’s never been like this. I only saw him 6 days ago. Everything was normal (intimately and affectionately). I’m in shock.

        Before lockdown he was so happy and our relationship was the best it could ever be.

        I don’t know if I should continue ignoring him and fix myself? It’s so hard.

        Lauren

        • Charles says:

          It’s unreal how a lot of us had a depressed partner who broke up with us during lockdown. The lockdown and being alone with their thoughts away from us allowed the depression at the back of their mind to take control again and make them do the thing that was being suppressed by us being around them with positivity and love and support, and that is to push us away.

          I think in out situation we all agree that before lockdown everything was good and then during lockdown all went downhill and we just can’t seem to understand why and that is why we are frustrated and angry at them at ourselves at the whole situation. We are stuck.

          • Daisy says:

            Hi Lauren, my partner told me his feeling changed back in Jan. He said he couldn’t think straight, he was very pessimistic about the future and that he didn’t feel himself. He asked for some time alone to try and fix himself. I kept contact with him for a couple of months, but then he cut me off. I never pestered him and only texted him when he was too. But now I have sent a few texts and he has not replied. It’s really hard to be ignored like this

  42. Lucy says:

    Wow, this is ringing so true for me right now.

    My ex broke up with me during the lockdown. We live separately, I have children, he doesn’t. The father of my children is an essential, front line worker, so we had in co-parenting terms come to an agreement that during the suppression phase of lockdown, he wouldn’t see the children. He could come down, but only socially distancing.

    My ex was fine about this first. He’s met my kids, so I offered the same option; he chose basically to spend his time getting wasted with his friends and doing nothing markedly different from pre-lockdown. That was his way of ‘coping’ Typical, self destructing behaviour.

    He’s depressed, I think he has been for a very long time. He has some serious issues, that we’d talked about, he opened up to me. Whenever he did, afterwards he would lash out at me. I said, maybe it was time for him to get some help, I’m not objective enough to be effective. But I will support him 100% in him taking any steps he needs to do so. He’s even admitted, he self sabotages constantly because he’s resigned himself to the fact that anyone he loves, will leave eventually, so he’s just sparing himself the agony of the final, inevitable abandonment.

    I’d gradually become to notice a shift in his behaviour toward me, before covid. Jealously, paranoia, controlling behaviour which had led me to break things off, only briefly to come back after apology from him. His behaviour was becoming very, very toxic and manipulative.

    Ultimately, he’s been entwined in his own mind during lockdown; how can I cope with this separation? why don’t I need him more? And he’s resolved, from this, that he’s not enough for me and I deserve better.

    He refuses and systematically refused to seek help for his problems.

    So, he said, he was saving me from the pain of him losing himself and self destructing. He had to do this alone. I can’t help him.

    As devastated as I am, I have had to give him that space.

    If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn’t, then, there’s nothing (I have resigned myself to this fact) that I can do.

    I have said, I will always be there for him. No matter what, any time of day or night. My door is always open, as a friend. And I’ve left it at that.

    I’ve tortured myself, blamed myself. Could I have done more? Did I do enough?

    The problem is, it’s doesn’t matter. He’s operating from a totally different frame of mind than I am.

    I’m emotionally, a fairly well balanced individual and I think he’s fully expected me to blow up in his face And be a bit crazy; calling, texting etc etc.

    But I haven’t. I’ve left him alone, and I will continue to do so. There’s nothing else you can do. I have to get on with life. A life that once he featured in heavily, and now he doesn’t. So I have to adjust to that, because I have kids, but I also have my own hopes and dreams and plans. And it’s sad, because I can see him; through all his shame and self-loathing what an amazing person he is, but he can’t see that himself. But, for the sake of my own mental health, I can’t try to ‘fix’ him. That starts with him. ❤️

    • Cooper says:

      A wonderful path you’ve pursued. You are weeks, months, maybe even years ahead of many who visit this site and others. The minute I hear about a significant other spending more time partying with friends than actually working on the relationship or working on themselves, I secretly hope the other is packing his or her bags and leaving.

      You have kids to protect. Congratulations for being so courageous in dealing with a tough situation.

      • Lucy says:

        It’s not been easy, but, it’s self preservation all the way. So many times I’ve tried to walk away, but I stopped myself because I knew it would destroy him. And I know, a break up I initiated would have been incredibly difficult for him to deal with and I think it would have been filled with a lot of anger and a lot of blame projected on to me. I suppose by him ending our relationship he’s gained in his mind some control. I just hope he finds what he’s looking for, I really want him to get help. He’s lost.

    • Anonymous says:

      This has happened to so many of us :/

  43. Paul says:

    Reading this post I’ve found quite helpful. It’s hard finding a specific scenario when you’re dealing with a partner and depression.

    My story is that me and my partner have been together 7 years, we have two children and we lived together. We had a tough few weeks together where we was both feeling so low. She cheated on me less than a year ago and I forgave her but she was being secretive, distant and not wanting to go near me or spend time with me anymore so I called her up on it as I was feeling the same feelings of anxiety that I did last year. I was feeling that I didn’t matter to her and it was bringing me down. One night I’d done a few nice things for her after she had a hard day in work so I ran her a bath made her tea and asked her to come sit with me she said she would but spent the whole night on her phone ignoring me so I went to bed, we argued when she came upstairs and left to go to her parents that night leaving me and the children, that was 6 weeks ago. I now understand that this was a sign of depression but along with past history I jumped to conclusions as it had been very similar.

    At first I thought this breakup was for the best and when she asked me I told her this but last week she had started showing me she cared for me and it made me realise I do love her and do want to be with her. I wrote her a letter on how I see her and that I want to be with her , I know she is fighting depression and I love her and I want to help her see how I see her in my eyes. She’s not listening and does not want my help and is completely shutting me out. She wants me to leave the house so she can move back in with the kids. She’s telling me to see this as a positive that I get to spend time with my friends and go out but I already did those things whilst I was with her but on the other had she has never really had any friends so she hasn’t. She’s recently got back in touch with one or two friends, I feel as though she isNt thinking clearly and when I’ve tried to talk to her she’s fixated on me moving out and healing herself and she isn’t sure of what she wants today let alone in the future.

    This is all heartbreaking for me as I’m not being given a fair chance and if I move out that feels final to me. I’ve been up and down angry and sad but I’ve accepted my fate for now. I’ve told her that I’m here if she needs but do I keep showing I’m thinking of her or do I just leave her to fight this depression on her own? I don’t know what’s best as I want her to feel happy inside of herself again but I also do not want to shut the book as I feel as though she is not thinking clearly because of the depression. I’m just struggling at the moment and needed some advice.

    I’m scared that if In a few weeks she tells me it was all a mistake she shouldn’t have pushed me out and that she wants me back. How do I know that in a few years this won’t happen again and I’ll be thrown out? I moved out last year because of what happened and now this again I’m moving out. I want this family, it’s all I want but you can’t build a bridge from one side and that’s all it is right now and it’s breaking my heart. I just wanted to understand how to help her and heal this time so that if it did happen again I would be able to avoid this happening again

    • Paul says:

      She also still tells me she loves me and cares for me and that it upsets her seeing me so upset. It just hurts that she tells me this but still won’t give us a chance.

    • Cee says:

      I understand your situation…i dont have kids but my fiance and i went through the same thing. He cheated and tjings were bad and we broke up. Now hes depressed and things are even worse and we broke up again. Im scared that this might be it for us…im trying to be supportive and have faith that we’ll make it out together..but he is completely shutting me out too…

    • Cee says:

      But if she is depressed then most likely, it will happen again. My fiance said that hes been through this before and its back. Depression isnt a one time deal. And i think its worse this time for us because alot has happened that triggered it and he doesnt know how to deal with it. 2 deaths in the family, financial stress, moving and i also still have trust issues on trop of that. But ive always had trust issues and other personal issues because of my childhood. Im working on it. All we can do is to tell them tjat we love them and support them and let them deal with it on their own. And hope that they will come back to us when they feel like themselves again.

    • Cooper says:

      Only you know your boundaries. Infidelity would be a tough one for me to excuse, depression or not. From my own personal experience when the depressed partner asks for space, I’d give it to them. She seems to be choosing to deal with everything on her own.

  44. Cee says:

    My ex boyfriend has been feeling depressed for the past month. We broke up and then we decided to try again and he broke up with me again. Our relationship wasnt perfect. But i love him very much. I had a toxic relationship with my dad growing up and ive developed issues because of it such as clingy, trust issues, etc. Ive been trying to work on it and be better cus i want us to work. Alot has happened before he became depressed. His grandmother passed away and she was like a mother to him. And not long after, his grandmas son passed away (his uncle) he didnt like him and said he wasnt hurt by his death. He doesnt have a great relationship with his parents, and hes worried about his grandpa with the pandemic happening. We’ve also just moved and his depression began after we moved. Its been months since his grandma passed away so he doesnt think its because of that. He loved her more than he loved anyone. When this started, he said it didnt have to do with his feelings for me, cus he loves me and that was never the question. But after trying again and talking lastnight…he thinks it is because of me. Amd that destroyed me. Because i love him more than i love anyone. I was willing to do anything to save us. I was working on my issues and trying to change myself for the better but it wasnt enough. He blames me and i blame myself. I blame myself for not dealing with my issues before. I still have hope in us…but i dont know if he does. I dont know what to do. I told him that i love him, i will always support him like i always have and i will always be here for him. My love, my loyalty and support has never waivered. Of the 4 years we’ve been together, ive never questioned if we were meant to be together. Cus i always felt like we were and ive never felt this way about anyone. I have this need to please people i love. Ive done it in past relationship as well. I go out of my way to do something sweet and thoughtful just so i can see how happy or appreciative they are and it makes me feel good that ive done a good thing cus ive constantly felt like everything i do is wrong…i have my whole life. But with him telling me that im the reason hes depressed just makes me sad and alone. And him thinking that i only care about myself. I know i can be selfish at times, but ive always put him first, even if he didnt see it or believe it. He knows that im here for him if he wants to work on our relationship, we also need to work on ourselves but im terrified that he’ll be happier without me and our relationship will be in the past. I cant help but hope that we can make it through. But im trying to accept that we might not. And im struggling with that. I have bipolar depression and i feel like im beginning to feel depressed. When i was depressed before, i wouldnt talk to alot of people in my life, but the one person i felt safe with was him. I never cut him out. I dont know what to do or what to think. I dont even know how to feel. Cus i feel like if im worried about my relationship then thats selfish cus i want him to get better. But i cant help but worry about the relationship too. This has been painful but i still stayed and still loved him. And i always will. I just feel like im never enough. And i want to be. Because he is everything to me. And i should add that this relationship didnt start out well. We fell inlove fast. We’ve both been inlove before but not like this. We moved in fast cus my dad kicked me out and he offered to live together. He told me he was falling inlove with me pretty quick too and i felt the same way. We moved in together and i saw him texting a girl but i didnt think anything of it. Then 2 years later, i caught him cheating on me, sexually texting multiple girls he didnt know. He said he didnt have feelings for me. I dont understand why he wasnt just honest with me. Ive begin talking to someone after trying so hard to save us, and when i felt okay..he wanted to try again, he wanted a second chance and i gave it to him cus i still loved him. And we were good for 2 years. I had trust issues, and i looked through his phone which i know is very wrong. Most of the time, we work well together. I know i shouldve worked on my issues sooner, i wish i had. People are telling me that he could be depressed cus alot has happened as i explained earlier but im still hurt and i dont want to get my hopes up and it might not be true. I feel like he wouldnt put up with half the things i put up with him. Hes completely shutting me out now. And im still worried about him. I bought him this book on how to deal with depression hoping it could help a little. Too much to say about our relationship….

  45. Sam says:

    Reading everyone else’s story really helps as I’m taking this whole breakup very hard since he was my first boyfriend. About a month ago my boyfriend was in the hospital for some stomach related issues. Ever since then he’s been distant and we texted a few times a week as he said he needs some space for his mental stability. We are long distance and haven’t seen eachother in 4 months because of quarantine so this was hard but I agreed and gave him his space. 2 days ago he told me he thinks we should break up and he is no longer in love with me. I asked more questions like where did this come from, did I do something wrong and then he revealed he feels dead inside and does not want to be alive and needs to fix himself before we can be together but he wants to be close friends. He told me he’s going to start seeing a therapist but I’m very worried because many times he says he will do something and does not follow through. I’ve never gone through a breakup before, never dealt with depression so I don’t really know what’s going on or how to help him. Of course I want him back, I’m still in love with him and I have no closure. I don’t know what the best thing to do is. I want to give him space but I don’t want him to completely forget about me and our relationship. I’ve spent the past day reading many stories and articles saying it’s best to be a friend to him. But I don’t know how to do that without bothering him. I sent a text a few hours after the breakup telling him that I’m trying to understand how he feels but I can’t since I’m not going through it, I would prefer for us to be together but his happiness is more important and that I will be here for him whether we are together or not. He never answered. He posted on his snapchat that he cleaned and rearranged his room and all the things I’ve given him were no longer there. This makes me feel like he’s trying to erase me from his life. Should I wait for him to reach out first? I’m so scared for him and for the future of our relationship.

    Sam

    • Cooper says:

      Within this site, John does a great job defining the challenges of communication with a depressed partner. There also is another website – Depression Fallout – that speaks to the same topic. I encourage you to explore both.

      I made many mistakes when in your position. My advice is to let him know you’ll be there for him if needs you, but I would put the ball in his court and cut off all correspondence. In my experience, I pushed, pushed and pushed to either get some closure or to love the depression out of my partner. The former only pissed her off, the latter is not possible.

      Ultimately, as John writes, the depressed partner has to take on the challenge of the illness. If he or she wants to go it alone, that’s the way it will have to be. Happy endings are rare, I’ve uncovered, but pushing too much only puts longer odds on a reconciliation.

      You’re going through something I’ve referenced as the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Stay active, connect with friends and do everything possible to keep your mind busy.

    • Nancy says:

      Sam, my boyfriend broke up with me on the 8. Of June, due to depression as well. I am suffering so much from the pain and I need to talk a lot about it, I feel alone. If you want a new friend dealing with something similar and you can feel free to talk about your bf as much as you need, I’d love to.

      • Charles says:

        Same happened to me with my girlfriend and I can’t handle the pain of loosing her. And i just saw your message and i am desperate for someone to talk to.

        • nancy says:

          i am available to talk, i understand the need. all i do is end up to talk about my bf that just broke up with me myself. i can use discord, skype, whatsapp. you can write me to my email supernovas [at] hotmail [dot] it

          • Anonymous says:

            Thank you i really need to talk (sorry for replying late) i will reach out by mail and then maybe we can speak on whatsapp or discord. Hopefully it would be good for both of us

          • Charles says:

            Hello nancy, how can i reach you on discord or whatsapp? I will send you also email

  46. should i check up on him when we are on a break says:

    Hi everyone, I have been reading all of your comments and can say they have really helped me, as I thought I was imagining most of the things that were happening in my relationship and was to blame for it not going well at times, if he was in a bad mood & snapped at me & i snapped back then i was blamed for putting him in a bad mood & for being hard work, which i had never been told before by anyone else.

    We had been dating for 7 months until lastnight. To be honest when I look back now I can see the signs of his depression from the 2nd week of the relationship, where he completely blanked me one day for no reason, then blamed a phone call from a supplier when i pulled him on blanking me, then blamed me & said when he’s like that i should know to give him space!!! We had only been dating 2 weeks at this point, spoke everyday on the phone, had numerous texts as you do at the start, then nothing this particular day & i am expected to know that this is what he does & know to keep quiet & stay away, my psychic abilities werent as sharp as they should have been that day!!! Again looking back, throughout the relationship there were more days like this which i then knew how to handle so let him ride it out & contact me when he was over whatever had annoyed him, never for one minute thinking it was depression.

    Things started to slightly deteriorate between us 3 months into the relationship as he took a really painful side,he self-diagnosed a gall bladder problem, took a reaction to the pain medication but the scan & xray showed everything was healthy & clear, he then started taking sore heads, random pains in his legs, bum, various parts of his body, which he self diagnosed as sciatica, took different painkillers to treat the various pains & then took a reaction to them also, as in hallucinating at night, night sweats etc. From around that time he also got very tired early at night & ended up sleeping in the armchair & snoring really loudly, also putting on weight was an issue too, when this happened i was snapped at on numerous occasions because I am of slim nature & generally lose weight if im stressed or if something is bothering me – at times he would call me a skinny bitch or say i had a big ass, the skinny bit was true but the big ass wasnt – I would have let that slide but never would have poked fun at his personal appearance & pointed that out, to which I was met with ‘you cant take a joke, its very hard to know what to say to you because you take everything personally’ I’m the most easy going person I know but i draw the line at poking fun at people’s appearance, personality etc, i see it as a form of bullying & would never do that to anyone so dont condone it being done to me or anyone else either.

    Half times i didnt know where i was in the relationship because some days he talked about me becoming his wife, buying land, planning to sell our properties to buy a holiday home to retire to in future years (I’m 48 & he is 51), things like that were often talked about (on his good days I have since learned), then other days he acted like a stranger & let on not to remember these things, or say to pass no remarks on him that he was only messing, quite often he would withhold the emotional & physical side of the relationship too, again blaming me saying that im not affectionate etc & if he didnt hug me i wouldnt hug him etc, again this wasnt me either as I’m hands on, warm, touchy feely. But sometimes I could sense a serious coldness or spikiness coming from him or knew by the look on his face that the form wasnt good so probably i retreated a bit at times as well. Shortly after this we had stopped spending the night together due to him falling asleep early, mostly on the armchair or sofa all night, or him giving me the silent treatment, which is hindsight is when the cloak began to fall & he could no longer hide what was happening, again I still wasnt picking up on depression.

    Then lockdown happened & he went OTT and started obsessing about the virus & would hardly go to shop etc in case he caught it, he then started to pile on the weight & not take his dinner until late at night etc, all the time giving out to me that i was skinny or i had a big ass. He had been through a lot in the ten years before i met him, a failed business, a couple of failed relationships, and he was still paying off some of the debts from the failed business, i also had a failed marriage behind me but was able to start from scratch again & build up my business to which he took a swipe at me over, saying look at him failed business, failed relationships & all he could do was lie in the house for a few years & put on weight & still be in debt, whereas i was able to start again from scratch & build up a successful business – that was also another problem in the relationship i made more money than him and had more diposable income & savings, but he had more assets than me so i pointed out that if we both liquidated our assets & bank accounts we would both have the same left over, in fact he would have more.

    About 3 or 4 weeks ago his form had deteriorated further & this was nearly every day, we talked & he said he thought he had a bit of stress or anxiety or was slightly depressed and that he wasnt interested in sex or didnt feel good about himself due to his weight or due to my (seemingly) more successful business, he says he needed time to feel like a man again, i said that was no problem, i loved him & i would support him & help him, if he wanted me to step back as in leave him to it i would do that & he said no, he wanted me to stay. The form constantly got worse, the tiredness got worse, the headaches got worse, i was constantly getting snapped at, my appearance was getting put down more & more – in his eyes i was getting skinnier & my ass was getting bigger, he told me to look at myself in the mirror to see i had miles on the clock, i was getting agey looking & pushed at a line on my forehead (again this is completely the opposite to how i look, I’m 48 but im constantly told by family, friends, work colleagues that i look younger). The final straw came on friday evening, where i made a healthy dinner then went out to help him on the farm, he constantly snapped & was more distant than normal, stayed a good distance away from me at all times, when i needed past him in a closed space he turned his head & wouldnt look at me going past & pulled himself in tight that i wouldnt even touch clothes with him.

    Yesterday there was no communication at all, he didnt come in until 8pm for anything to eat, then i took the chance to have a talk & asked him had he ever felt this down before, he said at times, asked him how he dealt with it, he said he usually came out of it sooner & it hasnt lasted this length of time, i said i think hes depressed to which he agreed & he admitted he had lost interest in everything & that simple every day tasks on the farm seemed mammoth, that even going for cattle meal was a seripous journey & it 10minutes down the road, he said he had no interest in sex which i already knew because by now we werent even sharing the same bed. I told him again that I loved him & i understood he was getting it tight, as i did the day before & the day before that etc (the last time he told me he loved me was 4 weeks ago) and that i will either take a complete step back or stay on & help him in any way i can, he again said to give him a couple of weeks to straighten out his head to help him feel more like himself again, but this time he said if i wanted to step back a bit for a couple of weeks that was ok, i said no i didnt want to step back at all as i think he needs help, but i will respect his wishes and suggested taking a no contact break to the end of June to give him some time to himself & that if he needed me for any reason or needed my help or just needed to talk to give me a call, he was hesitant then i said sure if he doesnt need me for anything we can get back in contact at the end of June & see what way things are & we said our goodbyes.

    On his good days he was teh most genuine, caring, decent person I ever met, but on his bad days if he was vocal, I was constantly picked at over my appearance, body, income etc & i know its his way of pushing me away because he needs time to straighten his head out. I didnt intend to write such a long essay but it has helped me realise that the depression has been going on a long time and has probably been making an appearance before my time as well.

    This morning I’m feeling so guilty because I feel like I have abandoned him and am debating whether i should send him an I love you text also stating that I’m here for him if he needs me or should I just leave him to contact me if he needs me.

    Any advice or suggestions would be greatly accepted.

    Thank you
    Paula

    • Paula says:

      An update – I ended up having to contact him today (Monday) about online banking issues, i did this by text rather than having to deal with a ‘dry’ phonecall, he kept his reply business like & then i ended the texting with telling him to make sure & reach out to me if he ever needs to talk or needs help with anything (I didnt include the i love you bit as I dont want to put relationship pressure back on to him) he never acknowledged my offer of help, not even a bare thanks for a reply.

      Lesson learned, to everybody out there who thinks they should keep in contact after a break in the relationship is agreed upon, leave them to it unless you have to contact them for an absolute emergency, because their heads cant handle it! No matter what other communication comes my way in relation to business, online banking etc i wont be contacting him again until the agreed date of the end of June

    • Cooper says:

      Based on my own personal experience and various sites I’ve explored (including this one), going full no contact seems appropriate. It’s very hard, but communicating only to get no response or an ugly one is even more painful.

      I’m hesitant to dive into other things, but I do think you need to step back and take a look at yourself, as well. You’ve put up with an awful lot for a long time. You mentioned odd behavior from him from almost the beginning of the relationship. Sticking around for as long as you have if you’d been with him much longer would be understandable, but it seems he just hasn’t been very nice or right for the majority of your relationship. My question is why put up with so long?

  47. wishing for the best says:

    Reading all your comments feels so close to my story.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time. 9 years. We have gone through alot together, grown together. We haven’t really been seeing eachother throughout this pandemic, he has surprised me a couple of times and I have surprised him but that is really all. I saw him a week ago when where we actually “hung out.” We bickered slightly earlier in the week but still talked on the phone, he said he loved me, reassured me that we were okay and that things were going to be okay. He even (kind of) flirted with me. Then we slightly bickered, he said he would call me later, and then he broke up with me in person. He said he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me anymore. He said that he has been so depressed. The following day, I had such a gut feeling to go over and see him. I went to his house to talk and we talked for a while, he cried and he kept wanting to hug me and cry on my shoulder. He kept holding my hand, bringing up old memories, etc. He told me to go back home and rest and he would contact me, which he did. Then he even met back up with me later where we talked again and yet again he held me and said he wanted us to be happy together and make more happy memories together. I had asked him if he was unhappy and felt nothing towards everything in his life or just towards me and he said it was everything. The next day he texted me, kept speaking to me and we saw eachother again, where he mentioned wanting to hang out the next day. The next day he texted me first in the morning, reassured me he hadnt been ignoring me, asked me how I slept. Then later throughout the day he asked me what I was doing and I never brought up.hanging out, he did. We ended up hanging out, which was fine. He smiled, laughed, cuddled. Then this morning I wake up to a text explaining he really thinks he needs space and that he really thinks we shouldn’t see eachother for a little while and that he needs a little time. He said he was sorry but he thinks that this could help. He kept apologizing and he thanked me several times saying that I have been helpful and acknowledging that all I want to do.is help him but he needs to focus on helping himself. He consistently has mentioned how much he cares about me.
    I love him so incredibly much. I wish he knew how much. I just wish I knew that things were going to be okay.

  48. Jason says:

    I am dating an old friend and she is demonstrating a behavior resembling an almost “I’ll do what I want in my relationship” type of lifestyle. She does not put things in prospective in daily life and there are a lot more crashes then there is good results. She is from a very toxic past with relationships and the former men she dated and I was raised a totally different way to treat ladies. She’s dipping off to have a private life keeps me out of things and will not be open or honest and throws a huge childish fit when I ask her about it.. now after just returning back home to my state she’s dropped a huge 4 month seperation time on my for some out of state school she’s leaving for in less than 1 day and she wants me to be here for her when she completes this school but she will not level with me nor will she show she’s trustworthy when I want to ask her about this “behind the scenes” life she wants to have.. as if to suggest I’m just another pawn in her games and she will not understand that what she is saying and what she is doing are two very different tqhings and I need to know what to do. I will not fool myself to believe that she’s gonna be there after that door closes behind her for this “school” of which she is being picked up from some older guy friend of hers to go out of state to this school to drop her off??? AAWWWW!!! 😠😡😤😕

  49. Zack says:

    Do depressed people start gaslighting, criticising, picking fights, doing silent treatments with their partners before they initiate the breakup? This was what I went through before my ex broke up with me.

    • Cooper says:

      I was not gaslighted, but I was criticized, had some ugly things said to me and got the silent treatment. Physical and emotional intimacy evaporated. Everything was such an outlier to what had been, and I went into a sort of shock. I wanted to catch her cheating on me or something like that just to help me cope.

      • Zack says:

        I’m sorry to hear what you went through Cooper. I wish you all the best. I know what the way to healing is gonna be hard and long. But I’m sure it’ll make you stronger. Stay strong.

    • Sherry says:

      My ex broke up with me and I made darn sure to be loving and gave him the benefit of the doubt while he was in the process of switching meds. He proposed to me on Christmas. The next day he told his kids. The day after that we went driving around looking for places we’d like to live. The next day he broke up with me. He told me I was difficult and put all of the blame on me when I know for a fact I treated him better than anybody else I was ever with in my life. Everything irritated him because I didn’t understand why he just gave me a ring and then ended it four days later. The day before he proposed, he asked me what I would say if he asked me to marry him. Then he stood there for 20 minutes and gave me this talk about how I was everything to him. It was the most incredible words I’ve ever heard in my life and then all of a sudden the light bulb went off and things changed. That was five months ago and we haven’t spoken. He did pick fights, was extremely irritated at everything and then the silent treatment kicked in and it was over. I told him just because he is living with this depression doesn’t give him the right to treat me like crap . It was awful and meanwhile I still hurt from this and I’m sure he’s happy as can be. Heck, if I wanted a rollercoaster ride I should have just went to Great America.

      • Zack says:

        Thank you for sharing your story Sherry. I’m sorry to hear you went through this hard experience. It really is devastating. Especially when it comes unexpectedly. The aftermath trauma is so hard to recover from. But you can do it. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.

  50. Ladybug says:

    Hi!

    I met my husband back in 2016 when he was having his 2nd bout of anxiety and depression. He was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression back in 2012 and had a history of suicidal thoughts and had cut himself in his early 20’s. I met him in Boston and both of us were going to the same grad school. We met on tinder and had a lot in common. He was going through a rough time and his friendship with his housemates had fallen apart. I had been in US only for 6 months when I met him so I was homesick myself and both of us met each other when we had our own share of lows and found comfort in each other’s company. What started as just a friendship with no hope for any relationship turned into a crazy love story and we madly fell in love with each other. After 6 months of dating he moved out of Boston to his home town and we started our long distance relationship. I was on a student visa and was only able to work for a year in the US after graduating. My original plan was to study, work and return to my home country but we both decided to get married instead. It was certainly sooner than I had hoped to get married. I was 25 when we got married in Cleveland which was more of a formality in order to start my green card paperwork and after that we had two more weddings. An Indian wedding in India (I’m Indian) and then an American Christian wedding. We’ve been married almost 3 years now and together for a little over 4 years. He is 30 and I’m 28. Being an international, inter cultural, inter racial couple we’ve had to navigate through a lot of challenges in our marriage and marriage as it is, is tough. But I recently found out that since last year my husband has been struggling in this marriage. But I only found out about it this January 2020. And when he started saying all the reasons they just didn’t make sense to me. Whatever he kept saying were facts of our marriage but he said that us being international couple, inter racial and inter faith couple is causing him anxiety and depression and basically our marriage causes him anxiety and depression. He even said when he met me in 2016 his faith was in shambles and he was not stable but fell in love and went ahead to marry me but since 2018 his faith has come back and become stronger and I thought that’s a good thing but it backfired on me because he says that now he thinks we no longer can be compatible. He thought he had become a new person and Christianity wasn’t as important to him as he thought it was and he was ok with having a Hindu wife and raising a secular household but now his faith coming back has become the major problem in our marriage. We had talked about all this before getting married so I just wasn’t able to wrap my head around all this. Every single aspect of our marriage to him now seemed like a problem. After marriage I moved to his hometown so he could complete his 2nd masters degree but I never wanted to move to his hometown as there wasn’t much opportunity for me from career perspective but I was willing to compromise until he was done with his Masters. We had plans to relocate to DC but as soon as he completed his masters he started giving hints that he has no desire to move cause he loves living close to his parents and extended family. I left my country, my family and friends pretty much everything for the sake of love and our marriage with a leap of faith hoping he would meet me in the middle and do the same. But the minute my turn came he retracted from all his promises. He would travel to India once a year for 2 weeks and complained how it is too big and too much for him to handle. Basically he just didn’t want to adjust or compromise and started viewing everything as a problem and on March 23rd amidst the pandemic decided to break up with me over a video call. I’m currently in India visiting family and he just called everything off saying he is struggling and wants peace. He unilaterally took the decision and didn’t even give me a chance. I know I wasn’t a perfect wife but I at least deserved a chance. He unilaterally took the decision and thinks that’s what is best and if I tried to contest or challenge it he says please let me go I’m begging you. I love you but if I stay with you I’ll lose myself. I’m heartbroken and sad. I feel very used and cheated. I had no objection to him practising his faith but me being a Hindu was all of a sudden a problem in this marriage. I just don’t understand. It seems like he loved me as long as it was convenient for him and the minute it was inconvenient and he had to compromise he chose himself over me/us. He has no idea how much anguish he is causing me. He is avoiding me because he says he will fall apart if he doesn’t avoid me. Life is so unpredictable. He was my first love and I married my first love and had so many plans for our future but it took him seconds to wipe that all away. I tried so much to salvage our marriage. I don’t know if it’s all his mental health that has lead to all this. Sending you all ladies in similar tragic circumstances lots of love and power. We will be ok. This too shall pass.

    Love,
    Ladybug (my husband use to call me ladybug)

  51. Nicola says:

    Hi there

    I believe my partner is suffering from depression. The latest episode has lasted 10 months now, and during this time he hasn’t responded to any of my messages. He lives alone and is unemployed too. He told me last April that he thought there was something wrong with him mentally (his words). I had an idea, as he’d had brief periods of “quiet time” before we started dating. Around this time, he also experienced what I now know were physical symptoms, e.g. crippling stomach cramps and unexplained aches and pains (Michael was also unaware of the link here). He also had upset sleep patterns due to watching cricket games on TV all night. Two months after the physical symptoms, he’d completely shut me out.

    I know what I mean to him, so I’m really trying not to take it personally. He’s not close with his family, and had a bad relationship with his father since he was young (he’s 57 now, and his father passed away last year). I really feel like I’m the first person he’s really cared about.

    I write him letters as his phone goes flat, but I’m careful not to do this too often (usually one every 2 to 3 weeks to remind him that I love him and I want to support him). I know he thinks I’m too good for him, but this is not true.

    What else can I do for him? Reading about depression helps me understand a bit more, but it’s still hard.

    Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

    Nicola, Westport, New Zealand

  52. Cooper says:

    It’s as if the author was watching me as he wrote this article; it was such a match it gave me chills. I pretty much did everything he outlined and my former lover reacted in the ways he mentioned. In short order she went from telling our few mutual friends she’d never been treated so well to expelling me from her life. Along the way there was the loss of her sex drive, aches, pains and headaches, an almost self-loathing no compliment could offset, sleeping issues and the dreaded irritability. Respectfully, she was rocked by two life events back-to-back, but then it seemed her inability to really participate in our relationship made her even more depressed. I asked for very little and did my best to support her, but, as the author mentions, depression and anxiety had warped her thinking. It was starting to take a toll on me, as well.

    What was a little different in our situation is that she almost seemed to be dealing an addiction to being a mother and grandmother. She was single for quite awhile after a divorce and then a bad relationship, and one of her sons and a grandson became constant companions for her. I always respected these relationships, but now looking back I’m wondering if they were unhealthy, but I digress.

    Anyway, this son, his wife and grandson moved far away with very little notice, and that started her slide which accelerated with a subsequent family situation. What was odd is that every time she would get to spend some time with them, mostly the grandson, she would become almost manic. Upon their departure she would commence to cry and disengage until she saw them again. The kids sort of helped her get out of depression but then put her back into depression when they left. I guess that’s a sort of addiction?

    I really haven’t been able to find much on the internet about this sort of issue. Can depression be a cyclical thing with some very specific causes? Maybe it’s not depression but more like withdrawal symptoms? I did find a blog on the internet where hundreds of posters described the pain of dealing with a child and/or grandchild moving, so she is not alone. Why I had to be expelled from her life, however, is the question that keeps me up at night.

    • Mother says:

      She probably left you because you didn’t get the pain that’s caused by not seeing a loved one it’s not an addiction it’s a grieving process. Loving ones children isn’t unhealthy. Her depression is justified.
      If you told her she had an addiction to being a mother that’s when you probably lost her. As a mother myself the second someone anyone would question how much I loved my children would be the second every feeling would switch off

      • Cooper says:

        That’s a fair perspective. I never asked, however, I be put before her kids nor questioned how she loved or parented her kids or grandkids. I knew and made it very clear to her I considered myself fortunate to be in her life at all and would provide her any level of support she needed. More to the point, she shared with our mutual friends she ended things, because our relationship “wasn’t fair to me.”

        I fully respect the grieving process and the subsequent depression associated with a child’s move. True, it’s probably not an addiction, but it does get to be unhealthy when that grief and depression turns into uncontrollable crying fits, insomnia, loss of libido, etc. It may be justified, but it also needs to be addressed. No child would want to know they put their parent into such a state…and eventually they’ll pick up on it.

        • Have Suffered says:

          This website has been helpful to me in my very complex and difficult situation. I have never written about it on here but I have read a lot here and felt much support from the stories and experiences of both the author and the comments.
          I wanted to reach out to you because I felt the poster who replied to you was blaming you and I do not think helpful. No one knows what is really going on in another person’s head and why they abandon us. We can only look back and try and put it all together but in the end we are just hurting and miss their love and giving our love to them.
          I hope you find some peace and perhaps one day you will meet her again or perhaps not and will meet someone more emotionally available. Whatever happens blame is not what you need. Unless a partner is abusive we all do the best we can and search for answers.

  53. Renae says:

    I was looking for an online support group and so happy that I found this page. I don’t feel so alone anymore. My ex and I were together for 7yrs. We had separate houses, but she spent most of her time with me. For the past couple of months, I have felt so helpless as I realize that nothing I did made her feel any better. I tried to help in little ways, but my ex made me feel as if they weren’t enough. She blames me for everything, and accuses me of being selfish, and thinking it’s all about me. One minute we’re fine, and she speaks to me lovingly, the next day she’s so cold and speaks as if I’m a stranger. We had a disagreement recently, and in the middle of it, she abruptly packed her things and left my houses. That was two days ago, she hasn’t spoke to me since. I’ve since reached out and sent her three text messages. The first one I apologized, and the last two were more supportive and letting her know she brightens my world, and that I’m here for her when she’s ready. She’s read them, but she hasn’t responded. I don’t know if I will see or speak to her again. It breaks my heart everyday that she’s not here.

  54. Katie says:

    My partner of 6 years left 1 month ago we’re engaged and had just moved into our first house. He’s gone back to his home country to stay with his family. He told me it was our relationship that was making him depressed, he’d had a breakdown and felt suicidal, that he needed space but would come back and we could work on us. He’s been getting counselling as have I as I admit I have some issues handling stress and can get angry, but we’d never really sat down and talked it through before until this. For the past month we’ve only been communicating via text as this was what he wanted.
    This week he told me he was applying for jobs at home, but this did not tie him down, I told him this has made me feel very anxious and I wasn’t sleeping.
    Yesterday he came over to get his car and said we would meet for coffee were he broke up with me. He was distraught, said he’s had a second. breakdown this week, been self harming and after speaking with his counsellor realised he cannot be in our relationship and needs to move back home. I tried to reason with him that we could work on things once he was better but he was adamant he cannot be in the relationship. That he still loves me, will always love me and hopes we can still see each other as friends.
    I’m just very confused. I don’t feel I can accept this decision yet as I don’t know if this is truly what he wants or if this is the depression. I wonder if me telling him I was anxious had caused the second breakdown and he feels he just cannot be caring about 2 people at the moment. But at the same time I know our relationship wasn’t perfect and I don’t know if he has decided that it’s too much for him to stay in it and try.
    The fact he’s saying he still loves me and still wants to be in touch as friends is leaving me with some hope, but I don’t know if there is?

    • Sara says:

      I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are going through something like this.

      Our stories are similar, but mine is more advanced as like “what happens after the breakdown and them running back home”. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. My boyfriend moved to my country so we could start our lives together in 2018. Adapting to the new country, the new job, etc he started acting erratically and kind of stop working in the relationship. I could see he was still trying to work on us but it was as if something was stopping him to make a decision. After 3 months he had a breakdown and told me he was depressed and that he had been cutting himself and that he was really scared of what he was thinking and that he needed to go back home. I was really sad and angry with him. I felt like he didn’t try at all for us and he just wanted to scape. He didn’t really cared of what I was feeling and told me he needed to go back home so he could get better and take care of himself to later be able to take care of us and me. When he got back home everything seemed to get better for him for like 2-3 months and then he started acting recklessly, erratically and just unreasonably again. He started working 14 hours a day and then on his day off something would always happen that we couldn’t talk (that he got into a car accident and was in the hospital, another day that he got arrested for speeding… ridiculous stories) It was scary and the worst part was that I couldn’t do anything because I was in a different country. After 5 months being back home he tried to take his own life and stayed 2.5 months in a mental facility (which was really hard for me because the family was not letting me be involved in this and would never give him his phone to talk to him… I only spoke to him 1 time during those months. I guess the family blames me which also made everything incredibly difficult for me). When he was released everything seemed to get better that summer and we kind of were getting our relationship back, but then he started saying his phone wasn’t working and that it was broken and he didn’t have money to get a new one… that happened last September and we are still in this situation. A shitty phone that only work with texts and sometimes calls and him being closed off and I try to help him but it is really difficult. He won’t go to therapy or take meds and whenever I tell him he can’t continue living like a zombie he tells me he will go, but then never does. He works 10-12 hours a day and then stays home doing god knows what. I’m watching him waste his life and let himself go away like this and it breaks my heart.

      The point here is that, you need to take care of yourself. REALLY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I have been going through this for 1 year and 7 months now and until they don’t take the right steps to get better nothing will change. They need to do it. They love us, they really do but they just feel inadequate and we can’t change that. I started being happier and feeling like a whole person again when I started taking care of me and now I am here to help him and love him but from a distance. There’s not much I can do… I won’t abandon him but I am continuing with my life. Maybe one day we can get on with our relationships again, maybe, but right now we can’t and they can’t… so we can only be there for them because we love them and they have to do the rest.

      I hope this gives you a different point of view and that you can get through this. Take care

  55. Judith says:

    I’ve spent the last few days reading comments here and just crying, so many of your stories feel so much like my own. My partner of 9 months blindsided me with a breakup last week: 2 days before Valentine’s Day and 2 weeks before my 30th birthday, citing stress, depression and inability to cope in his life. We never once fought. He never spoke to me in anger. He spoiled me rotten despite my protests and I had never felt so loved or taken care of before. He was there to try to fix every problem I had in the last 9 months from changing lightbulbs I couldn’t reach to buying groceries when I was broke and I was immediately shunned the first time he needed help and I offered in return. I saw him struggle with being sick and tired constantly the past few months, pull away from everyone but me, and recent transitions in his life were stressing him. Nothing I said to be supportive could help. Two weeks ago he said I was the best relationship he’d ever had and didn’t want to push me out of his life so I said I’d leave him alone if he needed it for as long as he needed. I am very independent and don’t need constant contact or togetherness to be happy. Did so for a week then he broke up with me via text, which goes against every moral he had throughout our relationship, he was always about important things being said face to face. I never pressured him to see or speak to me and genuinely understood his need to be alone. It has been a hopelessly confusing mess since then, no one has ever showed me the care or support he did and now he is gone. I am less sad about my boyfriend breaking up with me than I am feeling like my best friend is suffering alone and gone forever. I wish he could see himself as even 1/100 as amazing as I see him. Following the advice of this article and comments here, I sent a kind message several nights ago saying I understood why he made this decision and had no anger or judgment, and that I hoped we could remain friends when he feels up to it and will leave him alone until then. I also encouraged him to mention these struggles at his upcoming physical and told him to take care. This is all so sudden and my heart is broken but I understand this is not my fault, or his, and that I am powerless, he can only help himself. He said he was terrified of being toxic to me and didn’t want to be unfair so at least there is some comfort that he does genuinely seem to care for me. I just hope he learns to care for himself now. He is so special and I care for him so much.

    • Anonymous says:

      Off on on with a guy who struggles with depression and anxiety. Have the same morals/values. Same goals and wants out of life. Hes walked away a few times and comes back but its very cyclic. I want him to be whole and happy regardless if its with me. Hes a great man when hr feels good. Hes a good father i can feel your pain. I wouldve married this man in a heartbeat. He struggles with the intrusive thoughts and they win. It is definetly hard.

    • Anonymous says:

      Any update?

      • Judith says:

        Sadly, the only update I can provide is that I now also have depression. Not a peep from him and I’ve given up all hope that I will ever get my belongings back or hear from him again. I reached out about a month ago trying to get my things and was ignored.

  56. Rose says:

    My story is a bit different but still relates. My boyfriend broke up with me after about only 2.5 months of dating due to him not being in a good place “spiritually, physically, and mentally” as he said. He told me he couldn’t give me his time like I deserved and was sorry for wasting my time. I told him that I completely understood where he was coming from and that he didn’t waste my time, in fact, I am so happy that I got to know him and that he was part of my life. I ended it with if he would mind if we could stay friends and he said that was totally fine with that.
    Well, the more I think about his response and just him as a person is that he has a “move on” mindset in that bad things happen every day so why dwell on it. He had a pretty bad childhood and idk if he’s dealt with that yet bc he never opened up to me about it ( just very broad topics that I don’t feel comfortable discussing). He just had a completely broken home and it really shaped who he is today. He’s been hardened and I just want to help him. I’ve over him and the relationship even though I do miss him from time to time but I just want to be there for him. I’m aware I may not be able to but I want to at least try.
    Either way, he said he wasn’t in a good place and I was just wondering if it would be weird if I reached out to him after a month or so just to check-in. Also, is a month too long or too short amount of time to do it? Thanks

    • Joshua says:

      Everyones timeline is different, peoples moods can take days or years, you just dont know sadly. Sometimes mental health can attach unwillingly to people close to you so they push them away in doing so it never really detaches

  57. Josh says:

    7 years.. me and my partner had the amazing relationship from square one, inseparable always bouncing off each other, lived together after 6month, saved up bought a house after 5 years, had a dog for 4 years, I had a child from a previous relationship who has always been a part of her life whose now 8.

    I’m currently left in a shell of a house after my partner left suffering major depression. It’s been a tough couple of years on both parties with family deaths and other family issues.

    In November she left on a break suggested by the therapist telling me how much she was going to miss me and how we’d speak everyday and facetime. When she left she got cold, unresponsive argumentative. Drove me up the wall and sent me into depression too, luckily not too bad. The 3 week ended and she didnt come back but wanted to keep trying with the relationship, still cold and unresponsive mainly. By the time new year had been we’d seen each other twice since November, an exceptionally lonely Christmas! It took a great deal of effort to get the tree up for my daughter. We met on the 2nd for a date which went great both had a great time and couldnt wait to see each other again, but the day after cold and unresponsive again. It’s been this way alot weve slowly seen more of each other but shes also ended the relationship saying she cant work out her own thoughts to deal with one. I love her like the moon loves the stars, I’ve never know pain like this, shes only managed to see her therapist once since the original ‘leaving’ I just dont know if I should hold on or just let go, the day after is always hardest having a good time then confusion. We’ve both kept our relationship online set together as if nothing has happened, spoke about changing it but left it as it is. Would distance make it easier for her and myself or would it just drive the wedge further away? I feel the more we see each other the closer we become but as soon as we are apart torment.

    If anyone has any advice at all I’d be greatful

    • louise says:

      Dear Josh, i am so sorry you are going through this- I know just how it feels as i am going through something very similar too. My fiancee of 7 years told me he doesn’t want to marry me just as we were about to put the deposit down on our wedding. He is considering leaving the relationship. He is pointing blame at me for all of his feelings. We have just got our first house together a recently brought a puppy, the last year has been the best by far! I can recognize he is depressed but he thinks its me that is causing his despair. He feels isolated and lonely, controlled and unhappy. One minute he is sad the next he is angry? I just don’t know what to do for the best, he wants to leave but hasn’t taken the plunge, i don’t want him to leave but don’t want him to suffer and resent me. I am so sad and heartbroken that actually i don’t want to go home any more as I am so lost as what to say or do. I could get home and he will have left every thing is up in the air and I am so confused..

      • Josh says:

        Hi Louise, I hope your doing well! I’m not sure how your situation is but I called it a day and left her too work on herself she moved elsewhere and we cut contact for a few months. In that time I focused on myself my friends and my family, she got into contact with me in May and apologised for everything she put me through and wanted to continue where we left and are now happily progressing through life with a baby on the way.

        Its almost impossible to see clearly in depression and without taking things out of the equation you don’t really know what it is you want or what makes you happy.

        I wish everyone the very best

        Josh

  58. Ruby says:

    I write to you all sitting in a strange house, having had to leave my home because my depressed partner broke up with me for the 3rd time in 3 years. Citing her mental health and inability to love and connect properly, it’s over (again). I cannot tell you the pain and confusion and stress this has caused me. Now I feel depressed! I know I kept going back because I loved her, but I would not be sitting here now in this pain if I had simply just stayed away after the first time. But you always want to cling on to hope that things can get better. They never did – in fact, they just got worse. She is on her own struggling with her health now. I am very worried, but the ability to help has been taken away. My priority must be my own health now and I feel very battered and bruised and down. I miss her and love her so much – it’s so painful.
    What would my advice be to people that I could not listen to myself. As hard as it is, if you know deep down it isn’t right for you, try and find the strength to leave. If they cannot love themselves, they cannot love you and they need to go on this journey by themselves. That is not to say cut them off, because depression can be a killer and you would not want that on your conscience, but ultimately if it is causing you all this pain, you are simply being dragged into their hell and life is too short. I did not have the strength to leave – I kept going back for more in vain hope it would be ok. I have to concentrate on me now and work out why I did that.

    • Patti says:

      the hardest thing walking away from the love of your life I was with my fiance for 19 years when the bombshell dropped out of the blue. I could tell you we had the greatest love story. I seen a lot of changes in him looking back ended up cheating on me that’s what sent him into a depression. It’s been 5 years since he locked me I’ve been trying to break free tell him at least once a week to leave me alone I want to get on with my life but he always calls I know deep down inside he still loves me and he’s still struggling but he can’t say it and he won’t admit it.He is living with someone else but I know for sure that’s not going to work out long run. he puts a lot of confusion into my head. I don’t know why I can’t be strong enough to walk away. We’re both in our 50s he has a new relationship and I can’t seem to move forward I guess I’m holding on to the Past. I wish I had the strength.. when this first happened I was lost and confused and I myself went into a deep deep depression I have since recovered and I focus on the positive in my life. not sure if we’ll ever get back together but I know I have to try to move forward as hard as it. He is the love of my life and I lost him to depression

    • Jackie says:

      Very wise words.

      It is essential to look after yourself and not go down into their hell.

      I gave up on my ex a long time ago.

      No way was i going to let him blame myself and our kids or our relationshop of 30 years plus for things we were not responsible for, fair enough had we done something wrong but we hadn’t.

      Unfortunately many will say theyre off on their own to deal with it but in many cases it is done to avoid getting help or continuing with therapy.

      My ex met an alcoholic woman, he has spiralled and also now an alcoholic. We discovered this year he has now married her. Guess its a bit like him taking the pin out of a grenade and holding it. We are all relieved we are no longer part of his mind games and head f**k situation.

      Keep looking after yourselves and own sanity.

  59. Chrissy says:

    Hey, looking for advice. Most of your stories I have read feel the exact same as mine.
    Me and my boyfriend had been together for 3 years, we loved eachother so much. With eachother every day and classed each other as soul mates. We were so compatible and got on so well.
    Our relationship was not all plane sailing, we had many arguments but we had a strong bond and got past each one.
    Up until about 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And also suicidal thoughts. He had lost his job, his best friend had stopped speaking to him (long story) and he found himself spiraling out of control having a massive break down. I tried so much to be there and support him but I felt like I was a punch bag. Every thing was my fault. I would try to talk to him and he would say ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘it’s all about you’ it really upset me because I felt I jsut couldn’t support him. Anyway he ended up blocking me and ghosting me for about a week. I tried to reach out many times. Eventually I stopped that and I heard from him around a week later. We met up over dinner and he was still angry with me. He cried and was saying I didn’t understand what he is going through and I wasn’t there to help him. I tried to tell him I want to help him so much but we need to stop fighting and it made it worse. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since that time he either goes from telling me how much he loves me and how much he needs me to ghosting me again. We have met up a few times and it was been great. But as soon as I’m not with him he doesn’t reply. I went round his yesterday to talk about us , checking if he was okay, and he blamed me for everything again saying he can’t do this anymore. And that I’m making him worse. I was completely destroyed I quickly left. I sent him a really nice message to let him know I do love him and I will be here if he needs me and I got no reply. I feel like I have to let him go now but it’s so hard cos I know under there is the man I fell for. I’m so confused and not sure what to do.
    Can anyone help?

    • No judgement says:

      Hi I was with my ex for over 6 years married and she suffered really bad depression on and off in that time.

      Like your situation we had our ups and downs and amazing chemistry and were soul mates and were able to work through the arguments until breaking point and until then lived in each other pockets and needed no one else to be happy with a lot of great memories.

      She kicked me out and said she needed to work through her depression and couldn’t handle our relationship and we both cried and accepted that she was probably right, really sad but true. She then changed her mind and said she was confused by her condition and wanted me to try again. I got back having accepted that it might be over as I was holding out for things to get better for a few years but it was constant ups and downs and treading on egg shells, living on edge as anything could set her off. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right to make her happy and likewise became a punching bag and lost myself in it all, holding out for a brighter day.

      I felt trapped but confused as I loved here so much and still do but after a big bust up I found the courage to leave. It was really messy and got a lot worse before it got better. I went through so many confusing emotions and the divorce dragged out for more than a year and we had some traumatic court room meetings which very upsetting for both of us. I thought I was coping and put on a brave front but in reality I was an absolute mess, binge drinking several times a week, being reckless, getting into even more debt, not looking after myself, putting my job at risk, health and finances at risk and not really caring about the consequences or the future.

      In reality I was depressed with the grief for the past year, even though the rational part of my brain knew it was the right thing to do I was in complete turmoil but did acknowledge it and instead tried anything to distract myself with vices until I slowly to strayed to work through my own grief and issues and loneliness dealing with such a huge loss in such sad and dramatic circumstances.

      We are still sorting finances out as the sell out martial home which she is making difficult as she lives there and is still signed off work with depression and has not motivation to sell. So the whole thing turned our lives upside down and we are still processing it 18 months on but I didnt feel I could make her happy anymore and i wasn’t happy either.

      She has to go on her own journey, working through her depression and finding ways to cope and to love herself. I like you question have I done the right thing and see others suffer with depression is so painful and we probably don’t really understand the impact until you are able to have time and distance to take a step back and look at how much it can change everything. A lot of behaviours of people with depression is unpredictable and there isn’t a guidebook on how to navigate it, often they want to be listened too but at the same time will blame and hurt the one closest to them the most. I looked past this most of the time as I could see the kindest soul and one of the sweetest most gentle human beings I’ve met, but it got too much and too volatile that I felt I had run out of ways of coping myself that it actually caused me anxiety that I have never experienced before.

      Anyway sorry to rant but in the middle of waiting for the divorce hearing (about 5 months after I filed for divorce) my ex bumped into me near my workplace after I had blocked her phone number and contact had been maintained only through our solicitors as so much raw emotion and pain was involved in both sides. Initially I thought maybe we should talk, some time had passed and I missed her like crazy and still loved and was attracted to her and cared about her wellbeing. It didn’t take long to hear how I was the one who destroyed their life and was to blame for everything. But then she would flip the other way and she would say she actually really did love me and didn’t know what love was until she met me and until I left to realise what she had and what we had together. She would then flip the other way and shout and scream and cry and be vulnerable and it was all very traumatic and just brought up so much raw emotion and there was nothing I could do to make it better and hanging around or maintaining contact didn’t seem wise and counter productive to her and I processing the grief of the loss and finding our own paths post break up.

      Everyone’s story is different so no one can really tell you what is right for you and your ex. You may reconnect and accept that depression won’t necessarily go away but your ex might find ways of living with it and mitigating the impact it has on him, his life and those closest to him.

      I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide life is complicated and everyone deserves to be happy and find peace. Really look after yourself so you alone are responsible for your happiness, it is within you and your control. Likewise I hope your ex learns to love himself and seeks the tools, coping strategies, understanding and professional help he could really benefit from.
      I tried to push my ex towards these things but ultimately it is up to them and sometimes being alone may be exactly what they need to seek out these tools and resources on their own journey. Also for you being alone maybe you need to work through the loss and accept that you may never reconnect and there may be things you need to work through to be the happiest most at peace person you can be before seeking to reconnect with your ex or someone else as there are always areas we can work on mentally and spiritually to be more rounded, kind loving people.

      Take care and best wishes! I hope this helps!

  60. Blaine says:

    My girlfriend (22) of 7 months who I (24)have known for 10 years recently asked for a break because her university classmate committed suicide. She did not know him well and on the same day her kid got injured at daycare but was alright. At the time when she was in university, she was also working part time and studying. Her home life was not the best, growing up with an alcoholic dad and an ex who abused her. She’s just had an overall terrible go in life so far.
    We first started dating and clicked quickly, falling for each other within months. She informed me she has major depressive disorder, severe anxiety and probable PTSD from her abusive ex. The best part? I have the exact same disorders she does and we are both medicated and seeing therapists.
    About two weeks after her classmate committed suicide, she went to see her psychiatrist and they recommended that me and her go on a break until she’s mentally healthy again. So we went on a break for a week and then I reached out to her. She informed me she’s not really doing any better but she will be better eventually. She said she was okay with taking again. She informed me that trying to keep a relationship, take care of her kid, work and study nursing were all very hard and stressing her out(she apologized and said she knows it’s hard on me).
    After about another month and a half I met up with her a couple times for a drink and a coffee to discuss the relationship. I told her I love her and I’m here for her but want to make sure she wants to still make this relationship work. She replied with “I think so”. I left it at that and stayed in touch every day just by saying good morning and goodnight, occasionally asking how she’s doing. At this point it’s been about 3 months now and she had to drop out of school because she said she doesn’t know what she wants in life and it was stressing her out too much to balance that lifestyle. Every time i ask to talk about the relationship she answers a few simple questions but then says it’s stressing her out and that she’s not ready to have this conversation. I’ve been home on holidays for 2 weeks trying to see her and she says she’s busy with work or friends so she can’t see me, but always says sorry. At this point I would just like to know if I should break contact for a while completely then check in again later, or if I should continue to message her to let her know I’m thinking about her? She says she loves me when we’re in person but never initiates communication with me by text or phone.i always have to reach out to her now. I have no idea what to do at this point. Thanks for sticking it to the end reading this. Any advice helps.

    • Chrissy says:

      Hi Blaine,

      I know what your going through. It’s so hard losing the one you love through depression. And knowing you have done and said what you Can to prevent it and it doesn’t get you anywhere. As I’m going through it myself and asking for advice too, I’m maybe not the best to give it you as I’m just as confused as you. You jsut want to hold on and hope they come back and everything is going to be fine. But your heartbroken and scared. Scared your going to lose the one you love forever. It’s a horrible feeling. But your not in control of what she chooses to do. She may realize how much she truly loves you when she is in a better place and reach out to you jsut give her the time. I feel as though I’ve maybe text my boyfriend too much so I will be waiting to see if he reaches out to me, I sent a lengthy loving message and told myself that will be my final one unless he replies to me, it may take a day or a week but if they don’t reach back out then it will be time to let them go and go on with your life and look after yourself. As hard as it will be. If it’s meant to be it will happen.

    • Jhon says:

      Thank you for this post. You had described everything that happens during these 6 months. She want to be friends with me and I agreed, hoping that maybe we could back together, but that only it’s causing me pain. Every site, article or page that a read tells the same: I should focus on my mental and emotional health. I feel I little bit less alone knowing that I’m not the only one living through this.

  61. Hunter says:

    This page has been such an eye opener for me and truly been a blessing.

    My boyfriend of 2 years ended things with me yesterday due to years of anxiety and depression becoming too much for him. Leading up to it in our relationship things had become tense and very much less happy and fun as they used to be. I recognized this and as much as I tried to get back to the “old us” it just wouldn’t happen. Finally things came to a point where I asked point blank if he wanted to be with me and he said “I don’t know what I want”. I kept asking and he kept this answer. He said he didn’t think he makes me happy and I was making things harder. After a few days of not speaking I finally begged him to tell me if we were still together or if it was done. He informed me that we were done. He said that he wished me the best, but that this had to happen in order for him to get his life together. He sounded so cold on the phone. Almost like he was already over it.

    I initially went into shock and tried to tell him he does make me happy and that I know what I signed up for, but it didn’t work and his mind is made up.

    It took me a little bit before sending him a message telling him I understand and I want him to be happy- to which he never responded.

    Thinking about all the things I should’ve done different is eating me up. If only I could get back to how we were in the beginning then he would be doing better and want to be with me. I am struggling at the idea that I may never hear from him again and hoping maybe when he gets better he’ll reach out. But then my brain rationalized and tells me if he took the time to break up there is a chance he will always see me as someone he can’t be happy with and we will never be together even if he gets help.

    This is the hardest thing I’ve gone through and I appreciate this page so much!

    • Jordan says:

      This sounds like what happened to me a month ago. My wife of 4 years (been together for 8 years) did the same thing. It’s the hardest thing to do and seems impossible for you now, but you just have to let them go. You’re not in control of what they do. You’re only in control of yourself. I still very much struggle with this. But it really is the best thing to think, you’re better than constantly feeling like you could of done something to change their choice. So during this pain, find yourself, find what makes YOU happy. Do everything you want to do and try to focus on yourself. And find people that are emotional support, don’t go through this alone. It’s a dark time and there are people that have your feelings in mind.

      Good luck and just know you’ll make it through.

    • Katiso says:

      This sounds exactly what happened to me. This page has put things into perspective for me. Although I still question if I should reach out or not.

    • Rachel says:

      Hi I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I too am going through the exact same thing and it’s been heart breaking and I’ve had the same worries and guilty feelings if could I have done more. Mine broke up with me on my birthday said he still loves me but needed to work on himself and couldn’t hurt me anymore with his stuff. Before that we were perfect together and he was planning our lives together and I was so happy. We went on trips and did everything together.. Never fought.. He was supportive and caring and he wanted me to move in with him, etc. Then one day things started to change.. He grew angry and irritated with me over trivial things and stopped wanting to go out or do anything including things he enjoyed doing like working out. His drinking increased as did his sleeping and things became tense. I didn’tknow what was happening to the man I loved I try to talk to him as best I could and asked how I could support him and he did open up to me a few times about his depression and for a few days we would do better but then would go right back to angry and started pushing me away. I kept thinking it was me that I was doing something wrong and it was killing me because all I wanted to do was love him.. when he broke up with me similar to your story it was very cold with no emotion and that hurt a lot as well. Its been three weeks since we broke up and I’ve heard from him only once where he basically said he still cared for me and that he knew everything was his fault and he prayed that I did not hate him. I of course told him I did not hate him and that I still care for him and loved him as love does not go away that quickly. Every day is painful and I miss him terribly. I did not beg him to stay because I know that’s not what he needs right now but I did tell him I was there for him and all I pray for is that he will start to get help and come back. Did you ever hear from your ex? How are you doing now?

  62. Daisy says:

    I keep this page permanently open in my phone so that when I start feeling like I need to see him and find out how he is I am reminded that I’m wasting my time and risking my own heart again. He can’t be there for me and he won’t let me be there for him. It can only end badly. I feel so guilty and so sorry for him that he suffers but I can’t sacrifice my happiness when I know I can’t help.

    Seeing yet more people post their stories is so sad but so helpful. Thank you all.

    • Ladybug says:

      Hi Daisy,

      Yep, it feels pretty sad and hopeless. I’ve been removed and likely blocked, though I haven’t reached out to find out. I sent an email in which I simply offered to be supportive and told him that I know he can get through this tough thing. I did not get a response. I have no idea if I will ever hear from him again. I know he doesn’t hate me, but he is probably ashamed for hurting me. The self-loathing was real and it was very hard to see him apologize for every little thing, and feel like he is a bad partner instead of telling me how he was feeling.

      • Clara says:

        Your response spoke to me and my situation on a deep level. I am dealing with the same thing that you are and it is agonizing. I have nothing else to share other than to thank you for posting and saying that I am grateful for this thread.

  63. J says:

    hi everyone,

    first of all, I am so relieved to read this article and all the comments, which showed me that I am not alone in my madness because honestly, I almost started doubting myself if all was my fault (we will get to it later).
    how should I start? My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, we started falling for each other so fast after a few times dating, it got so intense that we couldn’t be away from each other for a day. through the whole relationship, we experienced intense love, a lot of caring and affection, there couldn’t go a day without texting how much we love each other, all the experiences we had and the laughter, we always said that we were soulmates and how we were so connected and that we never felt that way before. of course, we had some arguments sometimes but nothing major, or at least according to me, nothing major, we argued about this normal couple would argue about.
    at the beginning of our relationship, my ex told me that she was suffering from depression and anxiety and that she is taking antidepressants while having an appointment with the therapist every second week. During the first month, I experienced one of the most frightening moments in y life, the first event took place while we were laying in my bed after a romantic night, she started having a panic attack out of nowhere, I suggested to take her out to get some fresh air, which she had resisted to at first but I managed to convince her to do so, after taking a ride in my car with all the windows down in a cold night of a Swedish winter, she took some anti-anxiety pills and became calm again and we went back home. The second time was too extreme that I even started wondering if I am making the right decision to keep on dating her, especially that I am a father and I had concerns if something like that could in front of my kid. this time I lost her totally, she started hallucinating, hearing and seeing things, I felt powerless and scared that something would happen to her, again the panic attack came out of nowhere.
    the following days, after she came back to her senses, I asked her about what is she suffering from and how long she has had these problems, which she has answered but partially, she never revealed the whole story. I also noticed a few scars on her forearm and found out that she self-harmed her self a few years ago and that she also had a mental break and she got hospitalized just a few months before we met.
    these, of course, were warning signals, but I started to fall so deeply in love with her that I convinced myself that everything could be fixed and that she just needs time and a boyfriend who will believe in her and help her through those difficult times in her life.
    during that year, she stopped smoking, she started exercising and eating healthy food and she thanked me for being an inspiration for her. one thing she was not good at is to take her medication regularly, she could skip them for days or weeks, she also considered lowering the dose of her anti-depressant twice, from 20mg to 15mg to 10mg, which the doctor and the therapists considered as a wrong idea but that they couldn’t force her to keep 20mg. I was also stupid because I supported her decision…
    life was beautiful until the 1st of November 2019, weeks before that, I noticed that she started complaining about things not going well at work, she mentioned several times that she is not feeling well, but once I asked about if it has to do with her mental state or if it´s physical, she replied that its just physical and always denied that it could be her depression, stress or anxiety. In September, she also started with contraceptives, which I still believe until today that it made her depression worse.
    on November 1st, we argued in text messages, it led me accusing her of lying to me, after that she stopped answering my texts and my phone calls. later on, she wrote that she will sleep somewhere else and that she is not coming back home that night, I panicked and kept on texting and calling (which was wrong) but no answer. I kept on texting the following two days, but still, no answer until I decided to call her mom to see if she had heard anything from her, I was so worried that something could have happened to her, her mom told me that she hasn’t heard anything from her and that she understood my worries and she added: “you knew that she is having depression and that she is on medication” show like she was telling me, why are you surprised that she acted that way, it seems like her mom already aware of this behavior.
    later on the next day, she called me telling me that this went over the limits, that I shouldn’t have called her mom and that she wants to end up the relationship, I tried my best to understand where is this coming from and asked myself if I should have acted differently? I should have said different things? I engaged in self-critic for several weeks and start reading about depression and other forms of mental illness to help understand why she behaves this way. after one week she reaches out to me and told me that she appreciates the effort I am making to understand her sickness and that I am also going to a therapist to help me understand what’s going on and also check if I have issues that should also be fixed. we kept on meeting for almost a week. she was telling each other how happy we are and that we never felt this connection with anybody else and even sexually she was very intense and told me how she wants and desires me and that I was the man of her life, she wanted to plan trips together and do some activities during the weekends. I felt so happy and I thought the worst is behind us. but then the day after she turned cold and started accusing me of being manipulative and mentioned the few times we had arguments where she started crying and wondering if I was mad at her and told her that I was not mad but certainly arguing with loved ones isn’t a nice feeling, I also told her that she is being over sensitive because at times I felt that I couldn’t tell her anything without thinking she may interrupt it the wrong way. I knew she was not feeling good when she was accusing me of this so I have apologized for everything that I might have said and was misinterpreted. the next day she cried and told me that she is worried that her depression might have scared me away and she is worried that she will lose me, I reassured her that I am always going to be here no matter what and that I cannot give up on her just because she was sick and that I love her more than anything and I will be patient and give her space as much as she needs it and that I will be available whenever she needs me.
    meanwhile, I was spending nights and days reading about depression, I barely ate or slept and couldn’t focus on anything my whole life was on hold and everything I was thinking about is how to be good support without waiting for anything back from her. I admit it, it was very hard to have this unconditional love, a love that only a mother can give and not a life partner it was hard to show affection and not getting anything back. but again I kept in my mind that it was a sickness and that I shouldn’t take it personally. I kept on updating her with the websites I´ve been visiting, which she appreciated while being distant she answered me once a day or in two days until she texted me again the week after asking me if should call me, because she misses me so badly and wanted to hear my voice, told me that she will do whatever it takes to bring herself out of depression and told her that I am also doing everything in my power to help, she then urged to meet me and wanted me to visit her place every evening after work and asked me to sleep over, once again the whole week was amazing and intensely full of love and positive emotions.
    the last time I saw her I had to sleep at my place because we had a plan to eat dinner at a restaurant and after that have some fun activities. she then texted me that she was not feeling well that she was exhausted and that she would still want to eat dinner with me but then just go home after that, and she told me she hopes I don’t think she is boring because of that, I reassured her that I think she is the most amazing girl I have ever met and that she has the right to listen carefully to her body and does what feels the best for her. after dinner, I suggested to drive her to her place and leave but she asked me to stay for a little while but that I don’t sleepover, we ended having sex, a very passionate and intense, almost like it would be the last time we will ever get that close to each other.
    the day after she was cold and didn’t send texts (again), later on, that night I found out that she started following profiles on Instagram about manipulative boyfriends and mentally abused girlfriends and that she liked some of the posts, it felt like a knife went straight in my heart, I was hurt and confused, why would she do that? after all those weeks struggling to understand her depression, being patient, no sleep, no food, being in a mess and with all the roller coasters of emotions, do I deserve this treatment ?! so I called her to express how disappointed I was and that I thought it’s unfair, that she is playing with my emotions for a month now, she then start to bring the things we have already discussed months ago, such as being sensitive and her asking me several time if I am happy with her without any valid reason. she lashed out on me on the phone and told me couldnt take it anymore and blocked me everywhere.

    //J

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m sorry to read your story. Something I have learned is that the intensity is just the other side of the coin. All of these people, including me, fell in love in a big way and thought they’d nailed it. I went through it twice because he vanished on me and then a year later he was back and ready to do it right. Of course he couldn’t keep it up because it isn’t any more stable than the depressive episodes.

      This won’t get better in my experience. I’ve walked away now for my own sake even though it breaks my heart. I hope you find some peace.

      • J says:

        Thank you! I am trying my best to clear up my mind from all the memories and the plans we had together, accepting that it´s part of life, people come and people go.
        the hardest part is to feel the coldness and the lack of empathy expressed right after a night full of affection and love from that person.
        if I could use my brain only, I would know that the person I fell in love with does not exist. I know it takes time to heal after such a thing. but I know that every adversity we might face in life is part of a bigger plan, we just need to have faith and stick to what we can do until we no longer feel the pain.
        stay strong !!!

        J

  64. Donna says:

    So as I read thru all these posts, the first thing that comes to mind is that I could just cut and paste from everyone else’s post to create my story.

    Anyway, here is the abridged version:
    We were in love and soulmates, together for 13 years. Life traumatized him 4.5 years ago and depression set in (he refused treatment). Last year, additional trauma – depression amps up. One of the way his depression manifests itself is thru anger. He is angry about everything. To contradict him – hell, I just didn’t dare.
    Over the past few years, I have watched him distance himself from virtually every friend he had. I was (am?) the last person standing. He has had more than one doctor tell him that his physical problems have origins in his stress (again – he won’t go for treatment).

    This morning we had a (I don’t really know what to call it because it was stupid beyond words) lets call it a skirmish. Afterward, as I was driving to work, I received a text that he wanted me to collect my things as he was done.

    I know, intellectually, what I should do. I just struggle with doing it because my heart fights the logic.

    I know I need to care for me – that I don’t deserve the treatment that I have been receiving.
    I have to learn to accept that the man I once loved – died years ago and the creature left behind is not him.

    I fear he will hurt himself.

    I feel guilty for leaving him and withdrawing my support.
    I feel guilty for not being able to get him the help he so clearly needs.
    I feel guilty for wanting him to die so I can move forward.
    I feel guilty for wanting him to continue to live with the pain.
    I feel guilty for still loving a man who has treated me horribly
    I feel guilty for – once again – crying to my friends about this situation (leave him they all say)
    I feel guilty for being happy when I’m not with him
    I feel guilty for absolutely everything.

    I know I am not alone because all of you out there have probably felt the same way.

    I know I will survive.

    • Marie says:

      I am so sorry for your pain and everything you are going through. I can absolutely empathize with you, as I am going through the same EXACT thing with my husband. He lost his father and very best friend 10 years ago, followed by an estrangement with his only sibling. In that time he also suffered a health issue, which threw him into a depression. I saw his depression begin, at which time he always had a very short temper with me. His dealings with me have morphed from this, as he gets distant and very irritated at me for irrational things. He has pushed everyone close to him away as well, and is left with very few (if any?) close friends. I am one of the only people standing by his side, even though he treats me as poorly as he does. We can go on living like roommates, but this isn’t a marriage. I am so sorry for what you’re going through, but honestly, how long is it fair to you to live like this?? Our marriage has been in a decline for the past 4-5 years, with the last 2 being pretty terrible. There has got to be more for you than a lifetime of having someone make you feel like this. Please update, as you can. Good luck and all the best.

  65. Jordan says:

    This will probably be a long winded comment I just have a lot going on.
    I’ve been married to my wife for 4 years and we dated for 4 years before that. And 4 days ago she left me. She had bees fighting depression for the better part of a year… and I’ve just tried to do anything and everything to make sure she was okay, be that getting medication, taking time off of work, and going to a recovery group to get help.
    The depression was caused by pain that was caused by her family (mother, father, and sisters). She left home with me when we were 18 years old, and her family completely cut her out. They never had any support for her and would say/text terrible things to her constantly or ghost her completely.
    With time they did open communication but it was minimal and not healthy. But that was over 6 years ago now. Flash forward to when she stopped working to completely full time go to recovery group in August of this year. My wife needed to space herself from her family again, to heal. At this point though we have a house payment a car payment and all the other bills that go along with it. So I got a second job to cover all of the slack in our budget.
    She was going to group and getting the help she needed and I was trying to do nothing but support her anyway I could. But as of 11-17-19 she started contact with her family again, and next thing I know she’s telling me she needs to leave to work on herself. I was working 2 jobs and was on minimal sleep and was cold to her… she then was just using all of that to justify her leaving. My texts that were cold were along the lines of “just go… your throwing away all we built… your making a mistake… just leave there’s no arguing…” and I am nothing but regretful of that now… but she left and went back to her families home which is out of state. She refused to let me call her, refused to hear me out. I took all of the money out of our bank account because I know how her family is… I know they would’ve taken all of it and I would’ve been left high and dry unable to pay all of the debt she left me with…
    That’s all she kept holding onto is the fact I took the money out of the account… she refused to see what she was doing and that I had no choice… she even removed my name from the bank account… kind of proving to me that she would’ve taken everything and screwed me over…
    At that point she was texting a little bit with me but it was from one extreme to the next… (I love you and I need to work on me) (I can never go back, you didn’t trust me and took the money out)(how could you ever think I could do that to you) (this break has nothing to do about you or us, I just need to heal myself and then I can come home) (the money thing broke me, the face that you and your family would think I would do that to you… I can never go back…)
    After that it was just 100% ghosting she wouldn’t text me back she wouldn’t answer my calls… I just kept sending texts and calls for the passed 2 days… and now officially today after all the ghosting she has completely blocked me… on everything… there’s no way to talk to her…
    Her family never approved of me and never supported her. They just cared for themselves but now they’re taking advantage of her when she’s clearly not clear of mind. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m lost all I kept sending was my love and care for her through the texts saying I want her to do what she needs I just don’t want to lose her…
    and now I’ve got no answers she’s a state away over 16hours away, and won’t so much as talk to me… she is just easily throwing away everything we had… and I’m lost I don’t know what to do… I’m so worried for her and her health… I just want her back I want her home…

  66. Anonymous says:

    I have read some of this thread and at over 600 comments, it seems like a common problem.

    I had the best summer ever with my boyfriend. Then, I came home from vacation, my grandfather died and he told me about his depression and that he had been having suicidal thoughts. He said that I could have a healthy relationship, but he couldn’t and that I was wasting my time. He also said he did not want to take medications because they had bad side effects. He sent me links to articles that described depression, which I read.

    We texted a little after that and I visited him at his house, but the next day, he told me to not do that again because as soon as I left, he started drinking.

    The next few weeks were little to no communication – I was granting him the space he requested. And then I sent him a random text. His responded but his responses didn’t quite make sense. His first message was that he was better and no longer suicidal, but that he couldn’t have a partner and maybe we could be friends.

    I sent him a message back that his decision hurt me and that it was unfair. His next message was really odd and he told me about a friend of his and a viral video and that the video and his friend reminded him of my name. (It didn’t make sense, so it’s even harder to write about to make sense of it to anyone reading this.)

    I wrote back that I was sorry I had been melodramatic in my text about being hurt and that I was grateful for knowing him. I told him I did hope we could continue to talk when he felt better.

    Now it’s been a couple of weeks and I want to text him to see if he’s ok, but I don’t know what to say. I think maybe just saying hello, or asking about his step-father who is sick, but I don’t know whether I should.

    This is all compounded by the fact that he left valuable property at my house and has said that he will never use any of it again anyway and that I can keep it, but some things, like his shoes are really personal.

    I have been taking care of me. I have got my diet back on track. I have gone to Reiki. I have started knitting again. I have tried to ignore the negative messages that I am hearing from my friends and family who say I am “lucky” I found out now…

    But at the end of the day, I am confused and worried about him and there is nothing I can do to shake the feeling that I can’t give up and let his depression win.

    Help!

  67. still.birthing.space says:

    I’m going through something very similar as all of you and reading other peoples stories has been helpful.

    I’ve been with my girlfriend a year. She was my roommate before we got together so weve lived together our whole relationship. We also worked together for the first 4 months, which is how we met. She’s had lifelong depression stemming from childhood trauma but for the last several months of our relationship she’s been in a downward spiral. We would be doing fine, and then she would have periods of being shut down, not talking to me, crying, feeling self-hating, being irritable, angry, etc. Over time this would happen more and more frequently. Over the summer she started going to therapy as well as going to intensive outpatient treatment so she could stop drinking and smoking pot and start addressing her trauma and depression. She continued getting worse throughout therapy and tried to kill herself a month and a half ago. She admitted herself to a clinic that same morning and stayed there for 5 days. They had her on an anti-depressants which made her extremely lethargic but also lessened her anger greatly. She said she felt like anger had been controlling her life and it was such a relief not to have that anymore. She stayed on the anti-depressants for about 3 weeks after she left the clinic then went off them and went back to drinking. Quit therapy and everything. She seems more stable since she’s been out but still extremely depressed. She mostly watches tv and if she socializes it’s after work with coworkers over drinks.

    Throughout the latter half of our relationship she’s repeatedly tried to break up with me then changes her mind and things will be better for a while. Then it happens again. She says she’s toxic and is trying to protect me from herself. A week ago she said she just wanted to be friends and said the same thing she’s said before, that she’s spent a long time trying to protect me from herself. She said she wants space.

    So I’ve been giving her space. She hasn’t taken off the ring I gave her so I guess she still considers us together. I’m just hanging on. It’s so hard watching something amazing go like this, not because of fighting or incompatibility, but because of depression. Looking at her, and our relationship, is like watching a candle get smaller and smaller until it’s snuffed out.

    I desperately wish she would go back on anti-depressants and have the patience to find the one that works best. I’m not willing to give up on our relationship. I know couples go through hell and come out the other side the better for it. I still have hope.

  68. Emma says:

    Hi everybody. I was reading some of the other posts on similar topic and it made me feel so much better about my own situation and helped me realise there was more of us dealing with similar story . Me and my partner were together for over 7 years and living together for over 6 , we hardly ever argued and he told me he loves all the time.We spent all the time together, messaging each other through out the day while, going on lots of holidays together and socialising with out friends .Few days before everything happened he told me he loves me , 2 weeks before that he would like to get a dog together and we just booked our next holidays in few months time he also invited me to come to his home country in a month time.So I definitely wasn’t expecting what was about to happen .I always knew he sometimes had problems with low mood and nothing seemed to cheer him up at times. He recently started drinking more than usual and stopped exercising all together . Few days before everything happened his grandmother died and I know he was very close to her which seemed to push him over the edge but he never shared that with me until it was too late. He started to sleep on the sofa( which was not uncommon as he liked to sleep with TV on) .I knew he was upset and he told me he should maybe see a specialist. I told him its a very good idea and I offered to help him find one. The next two day i was working full days but still messaging him the whole time to make sure he is ok and sending him my love. It was 3 days after his grandmother passed away , while I was on my way from work when he texted me “we need to talk”.i asked him what is it thinking it’s something silly but he told me he is moving to his home country, that he is a mess, got panic attacks ,drinks all the time and he is not happy . He told me I’m amazing and I deserve so much better than him and he can’t give me what I want. When I came home I was very upset as I felt like my heart just exploded into million pieces. He announced he will stay that night at our friends. I messaged him a bit after asking if he got there safe and asking him when he is planning on leaving.He told me he will be leaving in a month time and he will come and collect his things the next day. I asked if he is sure he definitely dont want to try to work things out and the answer I got “it’s not real love anymore for me and you deserve better”. After that I had nothing else to say the next day I came back home just to see our apartment completely empty of his things with a key posted through letter box, which wasn’t easy thing to see.Later I found out from his friend he was crying when he was leaving . A day after I also found out he booked a flight home in 4 days rather than 3 weeks as he planned originally. He left his job within days and only managed to say bye to 3 of his friends, which sounded like a very rushed decision to me and everyone else.His friends told me later he wasn’t great when they saw him and it felt like he didn’t know what he really wanted. For them it was a big suprise as well as that’s not something he ever mentioned to anyone before.I thought he will contact me before he leaves to have a proper conversation about what happened rather than text messages but he never. A day after he arrived he texted me to say he is sorry they way things ended and I am an amazing person and I deserve so much better than him. He said i should never blame myself as his head is messed up and I should be with someone who gives me everything I deserve.After that he wished me a great life and said he will never forget me. I messaged him back to say whatever he decides to do he should see a specialist as whatever he is dealing with won’t just go away. He thanked me for caring and wished me good life again. I messaged him today just to wish him all the best and Im sorry its all ended and that I feel sad that I not only lost him but also my best friend.I told him at the end he is great person and he should never doubt that. I finished with “I will never forget you” .he replied ” I will always remember you have a great life” So the way I see it if someone is telling me to have a great life 3x times thats means they don’t want you to speak to them so I will leave him alone now and try to make peace somehow

    • still.birthing.space says:

      It sounds like he is going through a breakdown because if events with his grandmother. It’s likely that he will want to reconnect with you after some time goes by, seeing as you had many years together.

  69. Daisy says:

    I’m so sorry to read all of these stories but they have also helped me. My boyfriend and I broke up this morning when I just couldn’t bite my tongue anymore about how isolated he was making me. It was our second time going through this and I was so sure it wouldn’t happen again and we would be fine but his depression makes him so selfish and I’m a victim of that once again.

    I love him so much so I am devastated that we are over. However, I know I was miserable because he stopped wanting to spend time with me. I need to remember that. It wasn’t a healthy relationship anymore. I tried so hard to give him support and space but it wasn’t enough. Having read these stories I know I need to stay firm now and not go back. It will just happen again if I do and I need to take time to get over this now and hopefully find someone who wants to be with me and put as much into a relationship as I am willing to. It just feels so horrible to be leaving him to deal with his illness by himself now. He’s kept it from everyone else in his life including his best friends and his kids. I’m so worried about him but I clearly can’t help. He’s so busy beating himself up about hurting me that the best thing I can do for him is take myself away so he can’t see my heart breaking.

    Thanks for sharing your stories. I hope we all find happier days.

  70. Taylor K says:

    Hi there. I read this long lengthy comment section. My gf broke up with me a week ago. We didn’t talk for 5 days after talking everyday, saying good morning/goodnight and spending great hours together. We had amazing conversation, she said she loved me, said she wanted to not hurt me and thought by being alone she’d be better off. After the 5 days were up, she contacted me. She said she wasn’t feeling ready because she just again, was concerned about hurting me. After telling her that I’ll do whatever it takes, we patched things up. We are together again.. it’s been a few days since but I just want to give some of you hope.. that if there IS love, and she does want to be with you it can work. Give her the space, wait for her to reach out. She missed me a lot apparently… I wanted to call her so bad and my heart was aching so much.. but I’m so glad I waited it out. I want to give some of you hope out there, because I too was never seeing any response to people’s terrible situations. I’m so sorry all of you struggle with this pain so much and I’d never wish it upon anyone. But here, I came back. It worked for me… give them space, let them know you care when they reach back. Best of luck to you all.

    • still.birthing.space says:

      How is it going with your girlfriend?

      • Taylor says:

        It almost happened again, she said she just felt like a burden and she didn’t want to hurt me. She said she wanted time just to work on herself to be better for me. After 2 days again, she reached out and things are good again. I seriously just think they don’t want to hurt us. I reassured her sooooo much. But in the thick of her depression at the time she didn’t believe me and felt bad. But once the depression had a break, her feelings, love, and will to make the relationship shined through again. Just give them space once in a while if they need it. The depression makes it impossible for them to trust themselves that they aren’t hurting us.

        Things are amazing right now, there are moments where she distances herself, but once the clouds leave she’s so thankful that I wait for her. (Like if one day she doesn’t message much, I have to remind myself it’s nothing I’m doing and I know she’s battling hard. I tell her I love her, and constantly remind her I’m there for her.) It also helped that she made a post on reddit about whether a break was a good idea and most people told her “no”. And work through it together.

        • Juliana says:

          Can you share the reddit link? My ex broke up with me due to depression. I still love him and want to give him the space he needs

    • Heartbroken wife says:

      Thank you for the hope, that is so unbelievably kind of you to think about writing that. It’s what we are all looking for and just the comment I needed to read right now. I am going to stay strong and keep my heart filled with hope.

      • Taylor says:

        Thank you!! I wanted to give some of you hope.. I remember a few months ago crying to myself in bed all alone desperately praying she’d get back to me and patch things up.. I never knew how dangerous depression was. Just keep reminding them you love them unconditionally, and tell them too that you never blame them, they are worth it, and most importantly that they DO make you happy!!! Her biggest concern was she was making me unhappy. Yes, the depression is extremely difficult sometimes but I told her (when things weren’t cloudy) that it’s not her fault. And she deserves to be happy.

        Keep hanging in there.. sorry again I know it’s excruciatingly painful waiting for them… text them and let them know you’re thinking of them. My heart goes out to you guys and I wish the best for you. You are the only constant in their whole life. And yes it’s so hard not to be affected by it. But the fact you guys can hang on really shows the level of love that you have for your significant other. I wish you so much luck. I’d be happy to hear about it too from you guys if you get updates.

    • Paula says:

      Thank you for posting this up, I had been asking myself whether anybody had anything good to report after a breakup/taking a break at their partner’s request & here I find this post, so thank you once again as it has given me some hope.
      Yesterday after a conversation with my depressed boyfriend who admitted he had no interest in anything anymore, who said I’m too good for him etc, and needed me to step back for a couple of weeks until he gets his head straightened (this is the 2nd time he has said this which i did do but we were still in contact at his request) i told him i loved him & i would do whatever he needed and suggested giving him til the end of this month, thats just over 3 weeks, but if he needs me before that or wants to talk to give me a shout & if not, we will talk on the 30th of June – we said our goodbyes lastnight & all he asked of me was if he called to my ‘door’ some day during the week would i set up his online banking app for him, which i said i would no problem. However today i feel soooooo guilty that i have abandoned him, that maybe he only suggested/agreed to the break because he doesnt know in his own head what he wants – I’m debating with myself whether i should still text him & say that i love him & am here if he needs me & that he is the best person i know, or do I just sit it out until he contacts me or until the 30th of June. From what you have said it seems to be better to do nothing & let him get back to me?

  71. Ruby says:

    My advice to anyone who has a depressed partner who leaves is take care of yourself first and foremost. You can’t help them. Even if they come back they will likely do to you what they have already done over and over. You’ll have hope for a bit and then it will all come crashing down. If they leave, care about them and check they are ok but let them stay left. You’ll be better off in the long run, no matter how good the relationship was before they got sick. I think depression is a life-long illness for most people who get it and it is very sad and of course horrendous for them, but they will drag you down with them and ruin your life too. I’ve lost count of the number of times I have been dumped. I should have stayed away when it first happened.

    • Person says:

      This just happened to me after 5 years. I also share some of the blame, but after researching many of these stories I am not almost at the mindset that this was inevitable even if things were ideal.

    • Person says:

      I read your post everyday. Even now. Whenever I feel weak and want to reach out to her.

      Thank you

  72. JDS says:

    So much of this blog speaks to my situation right now. My husband of 5 years (have been together for almost 11 years) fell into depression about 16 months ago, seemingly triggered by a miscarriage we experienced after a year of fertility issues. He began to withdraw from me, friends, and family. He chose to spend more time with new coworkers than with me or with friends. When I questioned what he was going through, he told me he was trying to escape the sadness of not having a baby. I was also dealing with the loss of the miscarriage and the frustration with not being able to conceive again. Since he seemed mostly down due to the failed pregnancy, I asked him if we could attempt a first round of fertility treatment and he reluctantly consented. Against the odds, the treatment was successful and I was pregnant again. Once he discovered I was pregnant, he spiraled into a worse depressed state, becoming very weepy and withdrawn. He was angry that I was pregnant at a time he thought only I wanted to be, not on his watch. I felt very confused – the man I married had always wanted to be a father and having children was something we’d daydream about together over the years.

    I am 9 months pregnant now, and throughout the pregnancy he continues to be depressed and withdrawn. When I ask him about his feelings, he will tell me he is generally sad or sometimes blame his sadness on me/past situations in our relationship (i.e. our house buying process 5 years ago or home improvement projects). The issues he brings up are very minor. He began to show some excitement about the baby around 7 months but the past month he has spiraled again into a sullen state. He does not want me to touch him, he started picking up extra hours at a second job, and informed me that he now realizes he needs treatment for his depression but wants to do it “on his own in his own way” and needs to move out of our house. He also mentioned he thinks it may be wise for us to separate before the baby is old enough to know what it’s like to have parents that are together.

    I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare with our baby arriving any day now and a husband who is set on moving out as soon as he can. He is not the sweet, devoted man I married. This is not how I pictured our family starting and certainly wasn’t thinking I’d potentially be raising this baby on my own. I had been asking and pleading with him over the past year to seek treatment for his depression but he would always say he wanted to work things out on his own. We tried three sessions of marriage counseling months ago that got nowhere before I discontinued them since the sessions were making him more upset. He has recently started depression medication and therapy on his own, which is a huge relief to me, however the side effects he’s experiencing he seems to throw in my face that he is putting up with them for my sake. He had stated over and over again he did not want to be on medication and although the doctor is the one that convinced him to try it, he still seems to think I am to blame.

    I’ve started therapy on my own as well to help me cope with the situation. I just want to know if the man I married will return or if depression has taken him over for good. The therapist wants me to focus on myself and realize I deserve better, but I’m still holding out hope the treatment will help.

    • Sarah says:

      Hi. Just wanting to know how this ended for you as I’m going through something similar. Been married to my amazing husband for 9 years. Best friends and have had an amazing relationship. We have an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old baby.
      Just before the arrival of our second baby I noticed he was changing. Very withdrawn and irritable. After our baby was born things deteriorated. It was obvious he was depressed and went further into himself. Emotionally shut down from me kept going on about how he should be happy he wasn’t he didn’t know why. But he can’t give me what I need and I’d be better off without him. He was numb. When the baby was 3 months old he told me he thinks he doesn’t love me and he wants to leave. It was all such a shock as just a few months earlier we had been so happy.
      I convinced him to stay and try marriage counseling. But like you after a few sessions we got nowhere was was obvious his depression was the problem not our marriage. I eventually convinced him to go to the doctors. He started medication but it’s a low dose and it’s not worked. Since then things have gotten even worse. I think maybe due to the stress of th children and my emotions. Of feeling scared and hurt. He’s told me many lies about upping his medication and going to therapy which I’ve found out hasn’t been true. Then this week he has moved out and said he needs to sort this alone. We need space. He has now referred for CBT and says he will go back to the doc this week.
      I just don’t know what to do. I miss the man I married and have Been left with 2 tiny children.
      He had also thrown himself into work. Says it’s the only thing he feels his not failing at.
      I just don’t know what to do with myself. We were just so happy. Now I’m doubting whether we will ever work it out.

  73. Ian says:

    Never thought id be ending up posting on a forum such as this.

    So my partner of 4 years and fiancee for the last year of that has just ended things and I can’t believe how similar the situation is for many after having read the comments here.

    This woman was the girl of my dreams. We met randomly on a night out and just clicked. 7 months later she moved cities to be with me and then moved in 2 months later. We’ve had so many good times together since and I felt like I was the luckiest man alive.

    The last year is when things started changing. She started getting annoyed at me for little things and for doing doing a lot of cycling in my spare time (an hour to an hour and a half after work most days). At the time I didn’t think much of it other than normal arguments that come with being in a relationship. Then one day she said she wanted to end things. I was shocked to say the least. A day later and id apologised for things I thought I was doing that caused it and said I’d change and she accepted that. A month later and she then finally tells me shed been depressed for a while now, maybe a year. A lot of things started to make sense and I told her we’d get her to the GP and fight this battle. She agreed and went but didn’t want me there which was sore to take. He gave her a course of the the anti depressant, sertraline. I foolishly thought that would be it as id never had much dealing with depression so didn’t know how bad it could get.

    3 months later after me thinking everything was going well she blind sides me again and says we need to end the relationship. This was a week after she’d phoned home from a holiday saying she was missing me badly and crying. I was devastated again. She said she didn’t feel like she could burden me with any of this and that she didn’t deserve me. I tried to tell her that she was the absolute girl of my dreams to no avail. In the 2 weeks following (we were still living together) I got her to sit down and speak very candidly and she listed out nearly every negative thing I’d done over the last 3 years. None of the things she said seemed reasonable enough to split up. She then confessed that she had cheated on me once when the depression got really bad.

    I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the last 2 weeks. I forgave her for what she did to me even though it was sore to take. I’ve read a lot of what depression can do and the story seems so similar when scrolling through these comments. Before I’d been willing to let her stay with me in separate rooms but I decided that we needed time apart after that to let wounds heal and she is now moving out. Part of me feels the depression has ruined the love she felt for me and that the anti depressants have just made it worse. I’ve read so much about how the SSRIs increase the serotonin but the dramatically decrease the dopamine which is needed to feel love for someone. She barely shed a tear when she left me in bits and only actual cried when I said she’d have to move out. I’m going to the GP to tell him what’s happened. He obviously won’t tell me anything but I feel if he’s aware of the deterioration in our relationship over nothing then he may be able to alter the medication to help.

    I honestly don’t know what else to do. This was a girl id been planning on spending the rest of my life with and then to cone to this has just left me dumbfounded and heartbroken. At first i was going to not speak to her for a few months and see if that made her miss me but I realised the other day that this is a person who I deeply care about who is really struggling at the moment and if she just needs a friend then I’ll just have to suck it up and be a friend for now regardless of what the future holds. In time if she gets better she may see what’s happened, i only hope its before its too late. She insists it’s not the depression or drugs but I find it hard to believe when I’ve seen her change so much. Truly devestating.

    Depression is a horrible illness and it’s totally changed my life when I’ve never even had it. I highly encourage you to try look out for the signs of it in a loved one before its too late. I only wished I’d spotted it sooner and maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.

    • Sam says:

      I have just found this website and it is so full of information which has really helped me tonight. I have read your post and what you write reflects my situation as well. My husband walked out on 19th October 2018 and has not come back. I go between thinking I should message him and be in touch with him because I love him and I care to maybe I shouldn’t have any contact with him. I just don’t know what the right answer is.
      Depression is a horrible illness and has completely changed my life too – again I’ve never had it. I have thought many times over the last 6 months I wish I had spotted it and done something about it and maybe I could have saved my marriage.
      How are things for you now?
      Thank you for sharing your story, it has really helped me.

      • Ian says:

        Hello Sam,

        I’m sorry to hear that you’ve ended up in a similar situation. It’s not been an easy journey for myself either I can assure you that. It’s been 7 months of going back and forth between missing the woman I love to convincing myself that I’m fine and that I should move on to then realising I’m struggling to accept what has happened and realising I still love her. The only thing that’s really kept me from getting depressed is that I set a few goals for this year which I’ve been focussing all my energy on and I feel that has been very helpful.

        In terms of what contact I’ve had with her over the last 7 months it’s been minimal. She lives only 2 miles away from me just now but it feels more like 2000. I left all contact until Xmas when I sent her a photobook of our memories which she knew I’d been making for our anniversary anyway before we split up and also a letter just saying basically how I felt. She said it was nice and to have a good Xmas and that was that really, she then deleted all the photos of us on her social media and blocked me, that was another sore one to take. Only spoken to her 3 times since when she’s had to come round to collect letters which had been delivered to my flat for her and even then it was just basic chit chat. I’ve now accepted that there is nothing more I can really do and it’s all up to her whether she reaches out and even then that could be never so I’m kind of just living life for myself at the moment. Still not easy though and it’s been very painful reliving the whole thing over and over again since it happened and also having to deal with the intense loneliness. I did read something tonight though that said instead of feeling pain at remembering what I had that maybe whenever I think about the 4 years we had I should be thankful instead that I got those 4 years and just accept it is what it is for now and quite probably will not be regained. There will be another out there I’m sure when the time is right but for now it’s all about processing everything that’s happened and just regaining my happiness. My hope is that if I keep setting myself goals then eventually that will just naturally happen.

        Obviously not a happy ever after ending (at the moment (probably not ever)) but I hope it helps in someway.

    • Engaged to the Blues says:

      My love of 3 years and fiance of a year and a half moved out 3 times since January. The first time 3 days and came back. The second a week and came back. This last time he has been gone for 3 months. We got engaged October 2017 after a rocky court ship. He would disappear sometimes and get depressed and retreat into his shell. We moved in together and got a house in June of 2018. My fiance is 48 years old he is ex Marine Veteran and and has PTSD and Depression. He also has a host of health issues. he has had 4 heart attacks since age 40, diabetes, seizure disorder, sleep apnea, high blood pressure and stint in his heart. His doctor says he cannot work and he has been waiting to receive his disability for the last 2 years. He refuses to go to the VA for benefits.

      Things were fine the first 6 months were were in the house. I working and taking caring of bills him taking care of the inside and outside of the home. In October he became to be real angry very nitpicky stating he felt like my maid and I leave a mess for him to clean. Being very mean and drinking alot and becoming somewhat verbally and physically abusive. Mind you he quit a part time job he had when he moved in due to the stress and being paid peanuts. so he was at home ALOT. We planned to get married in June, supposed to be this Saturday in Caribbean however we decided to postpone the wedding in January due to multiple issues. We began marriage counseling in December and agreed upon it as he had several tragedies and we had a serious stressor that occurred during this time. His grandfather died in November 2018, Mother went in Hospital December 2018, his crazy ex showed up at our house and physically assaulted him and damaged his car in January of 2019. His father figure died in March 2019 the day be moved out. He is not close to his biological mother or father.

      I admit him being home was emotionally draining coming home to an angry or depressed and despondent man everyday and he was not taking his medications regularly however was seeing a therapist regularly and went with me religiously to marriage counseling for 3 months. He reports he moved out because he felt too dependent on me and knows it hurt me to see him the way he was. We have seen each other on and off but the last few weeks seems to be more depressed. He has been going to a day treatment program and finally agreed to go inpatient but has yet to check himself in. I am trying to be supportive however I feel like I am living limbo. I want him to be better and for us to be together but rationally I know it may take a while. Do I want to wait a while? I will be going to the Caribbean by myself this week which is supposed to be the week of our wedding. I will have a couple of friends there so it will help. I am really going to try to decompress and do some soul searching so I can make some sort of decision regarding this complicated mess. The only thing I am sure of is I love him and I am trying really hard to separate the man I fell in love with from his depression and anxiety. I am a therapist myself and really wonder how I got myself in a relationship like this. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

    • cooper says:

      I definitely feel for you. While my relationship was not as long as yours nor to the engagement stage, the events I faced were very similar. Why I feel guilty for her depression is not fair to me and the support and love I provided her, but I do.

      Your last paragraph really hit home for me. Her depression absolutely has changed my life, and I worry it will always be something that prevents me from falling for someone again. I literally am staggered by how quickly things changed; it’s as if another person took over her body. Oddly, as much as I hurt that she expelled me from her life so nonchalantly, I’m now even more fascinated that she could. It’s so illogical I can’t stop thinking about it.

  74. Ruby says:

    Hi everyone. I first wrote on this page exactly a year ago because my depressed partner broke up with me stating she wasn’t in love with me anymore. This was two days after my 40th birthday on a holiday I had planned for us. Within a week she told me she had made a mistake and wanted me back. I loved her that much I accepted this and we got back together. It felt so great to be together again and back in love, so much so she asked me to marry her two months later. Fast forward a few months and I moved 170 miles to be with her, relocated my business, left my home, friends and life in a great city. I’ve put in a huge effort to do the change, start making a life for myself here, make new friends. But in the meantime, in the 6 months since I moved in her depression got bad again. I’ve felt very unloved for many months and it has caused many an argument. We’ve nearly broken up so many times but I just could not bring myself to leave. It was my birthday yesterday and it was the worst ever. This morning she wakes me up to tell me I am her family, that she loves me very much but is not in love with me and probably hasn’t been since I moved in. Devastated is not the word. My whole life has been ripped apart. I don’t know whether to believe what she is saying, or not. But I am leaving anyway. If someone tells you this there is no point, nothing left for you. This whole experience has been a complete nightmare, ending with me broken hearted, again. My advice for anyone with someone with depression: expect nothing but to get your heart ripped out because they don’t care, they can’t, they are not capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Leave now if you can, for your own sake and you can maybe meet someone else who is not so ill.

    • Anonymous says:

      Same basic story. Been together years, not married. On again off again. Never apart more than a couple weeks. Got married. His ( depressed) idea. Within weeks started in w/ talk of wanting divorce. A couple months ago, when I refused to change careers at 52 to make more money to satisfy him. (Compulsive buyer) he decided he “wasn’t attracted to” me, wanted to go back living w/ his mother . I ruined his life. He got mad, walked out, divorce should be final 2 weeks before first wedding anniversary. I’m so hurt and embarrassed. Just great!

    • becca says:

      so my boyfriend of 8 months left me just under a week ago because he was no longer in the right mental state to commit to a relationship, our whole relationship was happy we loved each others company, we spent lots of time together booked a holiday, started looking to move out together. I genuinely thought I’d found the one. a few months ago he was acting strange and started saying he didn’t know what he wanted anymore i was in complete shock after talking he told me that he gets like this sometimes over his dad (who died of a heart attack when he was younger) we talked and i promised id be there for him no matter what, not long after again he had another freak out after a silly argument and was accusing me of being unfaithful, telling me how much better i can do than him, honestly i didnt feel like i was talking to the person i fell in love with. fast forward we are back to normal ive been away on a family holiday we talk everyday he tells me how much hes missing me and how me being away has shown him not to take me for granted. So him ending things was a shock a massive shock, he wouldnt meet up to talk about it, when ive tried to get him to open up he wont and when he finally did what he said seemed like a cry for help and when i tried to make him open up a little more he backed off and told me ‘no one will ever know how i really feel because no one can make me better’ and everyone hes ever let in has let him down. but i wouldnt of id have been there for the good the bad and the ugly and stuck by him. i even said id be there just as a friend would, someone to talk to, to listen and he told me he wants to be on his own and i need to respect that. i honestly dont know what to do, i want to give him the time he needs but i want him to know im here if he needs me but he wont listen.

  75. Paige says:

    Hi everyone,

    My depressed partner broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. He basically told me that he didn’t want to be a boyfriend anymore and that he didn’t love me. That he didn’t want a relationship at all and he couldn’t see himself wanting one in the future. I was so hurt and confused and still am. We didn’t have a perfect relationship and this summer has been difficult. We were together for about a year and a half and living together for a good portion of that time. I felt so unsupported at times and felt like I was doing all the work in the relationship so I moved out, with the promise of working on things and getting stronger for us. He didn’t want me to and he missed me but accepted it. Now he says that he drifted away from me and starting feeling more and more distant. That the kind, loving, sweet things he’s said to me throughout our relationship he “doesn’t mean anymore.” He said he felt he was neglecting his needs for too long and felt he needed to be along to fully realize himself.

    Insisted that it wasn’t depression-related which I don’t fully believe. He said he thought I was an amazing girlfriend and that he wanted me to be happy. I did the wrong stuff after. I kept contacting him, trying to change his mind or show him another alternative. He doesn’t want to hear it. He’s at a point of such high stress in his life that he’s terrified and he’s completely pushed me away because he feels as though not having a relationship will make things easier and take pressure off of him. This is an incredibly hard time for me because he loved me so much and, even after he broke it off, cared enough to take my calls, answer my questions, and be patient and loving with me. He’s been complimentary to me and even said that I made him feel better at times but that he just can’t be in a relationship and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He says that I need to stop asking him to change his mind because it’s not going to happen and that if I love him I need to let him go. I promised myself I would no longer contact him but I’m so hurt and scared and just want to help him. I recognize there’s nothing I can do but was wondering if there’s any hope for the future? I asked him if he saw himself in a relationship again if he would want that with me and he said yes. He felt it would be hard and potentially awkward but he would only want that with me. He answered all of my calls and texts. He said he wants to remain friends and he likes me and cares about me and he’s so sorry but he doesn’t want any of the things we planned anymore.

    I guess I’m just struggling to find any way to have hope for the future. I told him that, by doing this he risks never getting me back and he said, “I know that and I’m still doing it.” I just don’t understand and I want to be with him and make him happy. He told me our relationship was the best he’s ever been in and that he saw a future with me that he’s never seen with anyone else. Yet he still tried to blame aspects of why we didn’t work out on me. He’s had severe chronic depression for years and tried to kill himself when he was 8. I know he’s in such a numbed out state of mind where he’s functioning but not really changing anything to feel better. These articles have helped me understand where he may be coming from but I was wondering if there was anything I can do for a future with him? Obviously I can’t change his mind, I’ve tried that. But, with all the love still there, will he come back to me and want a relationship? I’m trying to deal with my own emotions about all of this and he’s so stubborn and introverted that he just wants to worry about himself. I’m worried that he’ll never be happy and that he’ll never want a relationship again when we were genuinely so connected. He’s also been so calm and rational that it worries me. He had a weak moment when I called him once where he seemed to express regret but ultimately went back to a cold, unchanging stance a couple days later.

    Any hope guys? Any approach I should take here? Obviously I just need to leave him alone for the time being because that’s what he wants but I don’t think he’s going to get any happier without me. He says he doesn’t want a relationship and that I need to believe him, which I do. He’s an extremely independent person and has had to survive on his own for quite some time. I know he trusted and loved me but he still struggled to let me help him or take pressure off of him. It’s just so frustrating and heartbreaking and there seems to be no hope for the future because he refuses to picture a future. I know the depression must be driving this in some ways because it can’t not be related but I don’t think he’s in a place to recognize that. I just hope some of what I’ve said to him will get through and he will realize he needs to get help and then he’ll reach back out to me. I’m not holding my breath. I’m trying to move on. But when you’ve taken care of someone and really invested in them and your relationship, it’s hard to just let go and let them leave you.

  76. Fauna says:

    My boyfriend left me after a few years to severe depression that I knew he was dealing with Whole time we were together. He wants to talk in 3 weeks to “see how he’s feeling” he sssured me I was not the problem, yet said I was part of the problem. I don’t understand! He’s super closed off and basically tells me nothing. He first dumped me two weeks ago, and then his grandpa got sick and he asked me to come over and be there for him so i was all week and was practicing boundaries like not staying overnight or anything. Then after that week passed, said he can’t do this anymore and we should break up. So he kept flip flopping on if he wanted me or not. He recently returned my telescope and stuff to my place, he came over very fast in a rush and didn’t make any eye contact. Every time we talk on phone or text is always super rude and mean and cold as I recently told him I don’t understand his behavior and don’t deserve to be treated like this. All he could say was “I’m sorry.” I’ve been extremely confused, and I still love him, but idk why he can’t be straight with me. It’s probably the depression. I feel like he thinks getting rid of me will help. He says he wants to see how life is without me, and we’re gonna talk in a few weeks to see how we are feeling. Just gotta wait a few more weeks for him to discard me again ha. Any help would be great

    • Lootess says:

      It kind of goes like that. A relationship can be seen as a burden to them so the simpler they make their life the easier it seems, when we all know loving closeness is usually a good thing. Just be careful to take care of yourself. As getting the torture end and learning how to be helpless is hard. Of course leave the door open.

      • Thaila says:

        I can’t believe I’m doing this, probably because I’m so lost and hurt and reading similar stories is maybe helpful.

        My boyfriend of 2 years suddenly feels like he can’t be in a relationship. This all started three months ago, I saw such a change. Our relationship was always good, great even. Suddenly this sweet, loving, kind man was mean and cold and just gone. He kept saying he was just tired and that nothing was wrong. He finally admits he’s been depressed but he doesn’t know why. Then began the oddest two months we had together. He would disappear for 2-4 days at a time and just shut down. He wouldn’t answer me, the first two times I was really worried and then it became such a regular pattern. When he’d come back he’d say he’s sorry, he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he feels broken, he can’t be happy anymore. Rinse repeat. When I’d ask him what’s going on he’d say he needs to be alone. That he can’t get a clear thought and he wants solitude.

        It’s been 4 days since we spoke. This time I’m actually listening and not contacting him, but I am so hurt. He says he needs this, he’s too messed up, please understand. But I can’t. We were together every day for two years and I’ve lost my lover and my best friend and I’m scared he’ll never come back. I’m so lonely and I have things I’m dealing with too and it’s really hard.

        • Lootess says:

          Yep, those are the signs. Sudden displeasure, wanting to be alone. It was traumatic to me personally. I still have a small fear in my mind that they may never return to their normal days but in my past I have seen a turnaround with close friends, albeit it took quite a bit of time. We lived together for awhile and in a way she was warning me about what could happen with major depression. I never picked up how uncomfortable it was to her to talk about but she gave me ever lasting words that if I woke up to someone completely different, it won’t be me being the issue, and how they will love me forever. I love leaving our pictures up, and just remembering the good times. She isn’t making any new memories with herself or anyone. We had already put down a structure on what marriage would be like, timing and all. Sometimes I think I may have contributed to depression with all the positive changes happening. But I also can’t blame myself if I was doing the right things to make a future forever for us.

          The one thing that helps me aside from time is respecting their wishes, and just making sure they are being taken care of with their mother. Love can be at a distance, sadly. I like to say we built up enough that someday we will work it out.

          • olga says:

            Becca, I am in similar situation. My depressed bf of seven months dumped me. He was acting distant a month prior to break up. We tried to get back together, but he would break up again. He was backing up slowly, now we don’t talk.
            R. I.P his clear mind

        • olga says:

          Any update?

  77. Anonymous says:

    Hi. So glad i found this site it’s made me feel like I am not on my own. My partner recently walked out saying he can’t do this any More and I am shocked. He says it’s my own fault for not listening and seeing it coming. I totally disagree as we have been still very loving together ok not as much due to petty arguments but they are all down to his low moods. We have a great life together and have so many plans. I love him very much and his moods have been an issue recently. He also stopped doing the things he enjoyed and only wanted to just work all the time. It’s been hard watching him go downhill and I tried to get him interested in things but he just got annoyed. He originally suggested seeing a gp a while back and I thought great. But he said the following week he was fine. We have been together years and have been building a life together. And now he has left. He us not even willing to try even though he says he still loves me. I am willing to support him but he has moved out and not willing to listen as he said I haven’t been listening to him. Any advice welcome as I want him home

    • Anonymous says:

      Update: he is now seeing someone else not sure how serious it us. But they were messaging before he left me. Since leaving he has been to Dr and I do think he still cares about me. What do i do ??

      • Rhea says:

        Hi Anon, reading your post sounds very similar to what happened to me. The downward spirals, saying they care but not doing it with actions.

        I hope you’re doing ok. Finding out your partner is now seeing someone else is always hard, and for me what I found especially difficult was the emotional cheating. Being with someone who could withdraw and be emotionally unavailable to then put all their energy into a new person hurts.

        It’s good to hear that he had gone to see a Dr. What I’ve realised is that with most illness’ including depression it’s important that the person suffering takes that first step for help. Initially following the break up, I spoke to my ex about speaking to someone -his behaviour was erratic and extremely out of character. His reply was that he’s felt the best he has in a while, a few weeks later he then told me how he’s suffering and threw a torpedo at his life!

        It’s been almost 3 months since we broke up, and almost 2 weeks now without contact. The best advice I received was to be kind to yourself, and put yourself first. Surround yourself with loved ones if possible, do things you enjoy creatively and physically. I’ve found this site to be really helpful and reading posts has given me strength.

        I was with my partner for 5yrs+, and we had a lovely home for the last 3 and a bit of those years. Throughout our relationship we have worked through his depression, and always seemed to bounce back after an episode. This time though, I am dealing with my mum’s battle with advanced cancer and I’m trying to put all my energy into spending time with her.

        In this aftermath, I’ve begun to realise that the depression my ex partner had was contagious. I spent so much energy in trying to help him that I completely forgot about myself. And a week prior to breaking up, I was at my most vulnerable (as my mum was in hospital and we were awaiting treatment options). Im still trying to get my head around what’s happened, how this loving and caring man has become so arrogant and distant. But reading the articles about fantasies of a new life has given me a deeper understanding of how the depressed partner tries to fill that empty void.

        For me, I love him deeply and had envisioned us having a family and a life together. I’m not sure of your age (I’m 30, my ex is 35) and for me I know that I want to have a family in the next few years. And I’m now trying to move on with the idea that may not happen with my ex. Or if it does, we will need to build a new relationship. In the meantime, although ive instigated no contact, emotionally I am keeping the door open for friendship.

        I’m still figuring out what’s best for me, and I suggest that you use this time to put that energy onto yourself. It’s all a process (and I feel like I’m just at the beginning of this), but I’ve found speaking to a therapist has helped to deal with the trauma I had been living with. So if you can, find people who you can speak to, and treat yourself when you can. You and your partner may be able to reconcile, but it will need to be on your terms too.

        Also try not to look into this new person or how their new relationship develops, it will cause you more hurt. My ex had met someone on his best friends stag do -she lives in another country. I thought it was going to be a fleeting romance but it seems the intensity of this long distance relationship is what he needs right now. And to protect myself I’m giving space. I’m not saying this might happen to you, but it’s important to protect yourself, as when a depressed partner leaves for someone else there is another layer of hurt.

        Sending you strength!

        • Anonymous says:

          Thank you for your reply. Just feel no can understand the pain I am in so it’s good to know I am not alone. Sorry that sounds bad. I am in crippling pain and although he has done wrong I want him back and miss him terribly. I also think this other girl has just come along at a low point and paid him attention and he has had his head turned. Before that we were in a good rekationship. But he can’t see that at the moment and I fear whilst with her he won’t. And in the meantime I can barely function. Over 6 years together and new home and future plans all gone. I just wish I knew how to get him back x

          • mercy13 says:

            Hi Anonymous, just wondering how things are for your now, has anything changed? Your situation is exactly the same as mine, and how you are/were feeling is where i am?

        • Anonymous says:

          Also hope your mum has a good outcome and sending you all best wishes.
          Do you want your ex back? I sure do. We had it good until recently but this girl is in the way. Obv he put her there but it’s too soon. Even if he was unhappy he went straight to her. That’s hurtful after several years together. I cant help but think of them both. I am becoming obsessed not with them but him. He is all I can think about. I would love a few days rest from it all but my brain won’t switch off x

          • R says:

            Don’t worry I don’t think it sounds bad. I hear you with finding some comfort in knowing that others have faced similar difficulties. It helps to feel less isolated for sure! Thanks for your well wishes for my mum, it’s all a long journey.

            Initially I did want my ex back, and there was some time that I would have taken him back with open arms. And although I still love him deeply, I know that we wouldn’t be able to go back to how we were if he did come back. I also have been quite clear with him how I feel, and so I’ve decided that for my situation I can’t chase him anymore. A lot has happened and there’s been a lot of hurt. But this is because there are some things he’s done I’m not able to forgive yet.

            It sounds like he has put all of his difficult emotions onto this new person & is using her as a diatraction. If he’s on a high at the moment, he might also not be open to receive what you want to tell him. Sorry I’m not quite sure what you can say to bring him back. Nothing I did initially has worked.

            I hope your situation improves and you can rest. But, do find some happy distractions & treat yourself if you can. x

          • Anonymousgirl says:

            were on the same situation my husband going through depression but he wont admit it and wont go to the doctor . He also want separation , he move out the house and now staying with his parents but most of his belongings is still here in the house . His been talking to this girl who’s married also he said his inlove with the girl. He blames me for everything his been cold and distant to me for the past weeks . I didnt see this coming since we have a good relationship . Theres some days we have ups and downs but we always work it out. Im glad i found this page at first i thought it was all my fault but now i see im not the only one dealing with this problem.

  78. karen says:

    It’s so overwhelming how many of us are going through, or have already gone through this. So many comments and stories here.

    I have been through this twice now with my deeply depressed partner, who walked out 6 months ago with no notice after failing to uphold his obligations with his kids (not my kids, but one was with us full time).

    His depression is topped off with substance abuse.

    And he is British and has a strong sense of therapy as either for weak people or as possibly dangerous as someone is playing with your mind.
    So he woke up last week and did the whole thing again, but it was more personal, and he kept telling me we are incompatible (after almost five years) but he can’t name why.

    He talks in circles, makes no arrangements for a home to go to, just runs to the only mutual friends we have which has really driven in a wedge there for me. So I blackmailed him to make him go to the ER for mental health assistance last Sunday. Best thing I ever did.

    I told him if he did not go that day to seek treatment and get into a program of treatment, I would tell his very vindictive ex wife what had happened here over the last year, and I would contact CPS to tell them of his alcohol and weed usage to the point of blackout drunk/stoned in front of his 11 year old.

    I basically said the gloves are off. You can leave, but you can’t take your kid down this road anymore. With me here, I keep things stable domestically, and I am invested in doing everything I can to arm this little girl against harm, because she has been left to her own by her family to survive, and I know how that feels. She is being groomed to be their caretaker. She is a little mini-me in this respect. I am her mentor, and she knows it.

    So, he agreed to go. He started therapy. He was a little better and finally starting to go back to figure out when he stopped feeling anything. He has a ton of trauma in his past, beginning as an infant. It’s sad as hell.

    Signing back on for a life with someone, when I am a suicide survivor of my fathers suicide, makes me very cautious.

    I mostly wanted to say to anyone who reads my comment, please do this asap when your loved one walks out or detaches:
    TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.

    It is super hard. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Tell your friends, family, get your butt to therapy yourself, or a support group. Seriously.

    You have to focus on your own well-being, because your partner will not. And it is exhausting. You can’t fix what you did not break. If you want, try to be quietly available to be supportive, but make boundaries for that to protect yourself.

    Eat, try to eat healthy. Go outside into the sunshine. Ask a friend to go out to restore any normalcy. And you will now know who your real friends are.

    A close friend of mine is on the opposite side of this just as this is happening with me, and we are communicating non-stop, helping each other see our own part in how we got here, and reminding each other to focus on ourselves.

    And we are sharing our story on social media, which is possibly the best use either of us have ever made of it. The number of people in the same boat is astounding.

    Write. Tell your story. Look at your own life, and remember you have to let the baggage go. Drowning under the weight of someone else’ mental health issues is not noble. It is tragic. Be firm, insist they get help before they drag you back onto this ride, because if they don’t get help it ends the same over and over.

    Know you are not alone and that you deserve love and this is not something you can fix. You must define what you can give and what hurts you, and what is just the depressed person taking from you. Boundaries. Self love. Self care. Prioritize these.

    • Lootess says:

      Completely agree, as someone who is going through the same. It’s not an easy path and more importantly it’s about being supportive in them getting professional help, realizing it is no one’s fault, and most of all taking care of yourself.

      Which means setting boundaries. It’s just like any normal relationship, you always feel you deserve respect. It’s not something that’s likely to be given in this state. You have to adhere to everything you believed before. You can still love them, albeit quietly like you say, even at a distance. Whatever you can do to keep going, do it. Getting out in the world yourself, treating yourself well, and/or with friends.

      One always has to remember depression isn’t a logical illness. Always remember that., The people they are closest to are the most affected because they involved deep-love emotional feelings, the very brain wiring that is mangled up the most due to the illness. It feels like a big anchor on them and it’s just easier to cut that so they can attempt to become normal, because they are already emotionally unavailable. Everything feels like how they could feel that way when just days ago they probably thought you were the world to them. Just make sure they get help.

  79. James says:

    Dear John

    My wife of 15 years has recently moved into our son’s bedroom. First, she said that I was not at fault and that she had feelings and thoughts she could not control. As a result, she wanted to be alone. She admitted that what she was doing was unfair to me. First I thought that she may be having an affair until I realized she suffers depression. This was after she told me that life had no meaning for her anymore and that she was bored and tired.

    When I suggested she get help for her condition, she claimed that she was not sick. Later, she claimed that the reason she moved to our son’s bedroom was because I was jealous and controlling. I am not like that at all. If at all, my wife has been the controlling factor in our relationship, not me.

    Every time I try to speak to her, she is evasive, gets angry and wants to go to sleep. She refuses help. It was then that she told me that she’d been having these thoughts/feelings for 10 years. I had no idea. Previously, she could control these thoughts. She no longer has that ability. She refuses to interact with our 12-year-old son and ignores him. This is affecting him not to mention my own feelings of loss and sadness. She tries to avoid me although some days she is more communicative. Every time I speak with her, her story/explanation/goals change.

    To ‘combat’ her depression, she has decided to go out every single day to ‘experience new things’. I am afraid that she will eventually leave me. She says she no longer loves me. She wants ‘freedom’. She’s become secretive of her cell phone, has inappropriate anger outbursts and generally blames me for everything negative that has happened to her over the past years.

    When I told her that I loved her, asking her to come back to me, she just stared at me. She has no empathy. Her stare is cold. I don’t know this person.

    After reading many forums on depression, you have accurately described what is happening. I quote: “The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this. First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior.

    They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.

    So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving”.

    You are spot-on, John. Thank you for this clear insight. But I cannot handle this for much longer. I need to get me and my son out of here, even if that means divorce.

    Regards

    James

    • InTheShadows says:

      This is exactly what my partner of 12 years has done. And we have a daughter nearly 10years.

      He has finally last night admitted he has depression and that he doesn’t like to admit it and is going to the gp next wk on his wk off. He has also said he isn’t coming back home!

      It’s the hardest thing to live with and I worry the medication may not work. Therapy will take to long! Our family will never be.

      Hope your wife gets the help she needs and realises very soon what is standing right in front of her!

  80. MM says:

    My boyfriend after 3 years just recently broke up with me 4 days ago because he said he’s been really depressed and does not know who he is anymore or what he likes or where he wants to live, he is 23 and I am 21. He just recently graduated college 1 year ago and I know he’s been struggling finding a good job that he loves because he has no clue what he wants to do. We’ve had our ups and downs and I am not perfect I did some unhealthy things in the relationship ( not super bad ) and he did some unhealthy things as well like not ever being able to communicate how he feels with me but I love him so much and I miss him so much. He is the kindest guy I’ve ever met and this is so hard for me because we have grown so close to each other over the last 3 years, our relationship wasn’t perfect but I knew that i would always learn from my mistakes to better ur relationships but the problem was was I was always the one fighting for him after arguments it never really seemed like he cared he just always asked for space when ever we would get into a huge argument. He is an introvert by the way and I am an extravert. Anyways he said that he can’t be committed to me anymore because he needs to focus on himself he says he loves me but he’s not in love with me anymore because he doesn’t love himself he was crying and I could tell he was being very truthful 🙁 i just want him back and I don’t know what to do! I txted him after the breakup and said “I love you with all my heart ????I’ll wait for you forever, I hope you think about what I said ( about just taking a break )and I hope you feel better soon and find what you are looking for in yourself please don’t respond to this but just know that the second you are feeling better I am here and I would love for you to contact me I’m never leaving your side even though you may not want this now I love you forever baby ????Goodbye.” I also told him that I am here for him now as well but he never responds because I told him not to. I am literally so heartbroken and feel so empty, we went on family vacations together spent hours watching our favorite show together and now all of sudden he’s just giving up. I noticed he started becoming distance the last 3 months of our relationship and when we broke up he said he was becoming distant because of depression. He also told me that he went to counciling 6 months ago which I never new about and said that he has been struggling…..I can’t let him go what do I do all I want to do is call him and ask him to talk I miss him so much he was literally the kindest gentleman I’ve ever met, not once out of 3 years did he not open my car door. He was that type of guy. What do I do 🙁 any advice will help please

  81. Jenna says:

    I’m in the same boat as countless others. My boyfriend of 3 years suddenly moved out of our flat 10 weeks ago to live with his parents, he had a sudden depressive breakdown and was off work for a month. When it happened the change in him was so sudden, gone was my best friend and loving partner and in his place a cold, distant, selfish and sometimes arrogant man. He decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship, was happy by himself and refused to talk. All the plans we had made and trips booked abandoned. Sleeps most of the time and even though he is now back at work had stopped socialising or contacting his friends. His antidepressants have been upped and he is meant to be getting therapy. Over the last few weeks I thought there was an improvement as he asked me to see him and we had a few good days, although now I wonder if he was just using me for sex since his sex drive dramatically reappeared. Although gone again. But was so nice cuddling and Just doing normal things like eating takeaway and watching tv. Then after two weeks of improvement he went awol on me for 10 days. When I reached out he was cold and aloof again. Then he messaged me angry that I had been in contact with his best friend, wouldn’t believe me that I had Just been asking his friend to look out for him. Very paranoid and I’m unsure what he thought. Wanted me to send him screen shots. Then after being angry and then dismissive via WhatsApp he then asks if he can come round to sleep (he had still been at his friends). Comes round, spends the whole day and night sleeping and cuddling but doesn’t say anything. Then next morning coldly thanks me for letting him “crash”. Then last night he says he is going away for a week (news to me and to his Mum) and that he will collect the rest of his stuff when he’s back. Wouldn’t answer the phone. Said I “had my chance” to talk on Saturday night (even though I didn’t see him until Sunday and he wouldn’t talk and slept all day). I’m so ill and emotionally drained through this as over the last couple of months I’ve shown him nothing but love and in return he is treating me appallingly and controlling everything by what he wants. I’m so distraught and feel like he has trampled my self worth. He posts on social media like everything is fine and gets all the sympathy because he’s unwell but they don’t see his behaviour towards me, the woman he once loved and shared a life with. I feel like the old him died. This other him is just horrid to me and I hate myself for letting him because I think it’s just his depression. But where do you draw the line?

  82. claire says:

    My lovely caring affectionate partner of 17 years left me in january due to his depression and him wanting to get through it alone. We went from being together everyday to maybe a whatsapp message every few days because he has pushed me away and shut me out. I know he is going through something terrible and I am really trying to understand, but I am also coping with losing him on my own. I love him. Miss him so very much and want him back. I want us back.

    • Marilyn says:

      Your and my situation is almost the same. I was with my partner for 18years , happy and contented and always imagining we would be together forever. Then, last May he retired. He really struggled to adjust and, over the months until Christmas ,he was getting lower and lower. I tried to help ,but he really seemed to just be allowing things to get worse and he seemed powerless to change things. After Christmas, he started to drink more, he was always a nasty drunk, he became verbally abusive and aggressive. In the past ,those occasions were few and far between and I coped ,but three times in less than two weeks was too much. He knew how much he was hurting me and decided he needed to live on his own for two or three months to sort himself out. He was on antidepressants and was seeing a counseller.,but in truth neither seemed to help? We are still in touch by text, but messages were usually misconstrued , and we just seemed to be on different wavelengths. He would ask to see me , then cancel, I felt as though I was one an emotional piece of elastic, being pulled one way then the other. I just wanted to help and support and he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and answer to no one. I have really struggled to deal with everything ,I really hate being on my own, and still love him more than words can say. He left three and a half months ago ,whether he is any better in his head now, I don’t know. It’s so hard to let go, as there’s always a hope he will get back to his old self and want to come back, but hanging on to that hope, is probably stopping me moving forward. It’s been the hardest time of my life, let’s hope we can find away forward .

      • Bob says:

        Going through this myself. After 6 years of marital bliss and then 3 years of my wife fighting depression she has left me to be alone. Im crushed.

        I have a great family but not the woan i love.

        • Marilyn says:

          Hi Bob ,I know how you feel. The way I describe it ,is that I’m now living in my house, it’s not a home anymore, now that there is only me here. I still miss him so much, but what made it worse was that in June he went on holiday with his neighbour downstairs and they are now an item. I found out on Facebook, apparently he was too weak to face me . He said this woman is a Samaritan and has helped him to gain his self respect and get off the antidepressants. It’s hard to come to terms with ,as when he left he said he just wanted to be on his own and do what he wanted to do with his life. Why can’t people be honest and truthful, it would have been so much easier to get over.
          Recently he went to a wake for a mutual work colleague at a pub near where we both worked. He knew I would be there, luckily I changed my mind about going at the last minute. Not only did he go, but he brought the new woman with him! Two days later he wanted to be Facebook friends with me, I had defriended him when I found out about his new relationship.
          I too have a great family but it’s hard to start all over again when you have been happy and contented all these years and never imagined it would end. Good luck, just keep going and don’t give as Winston Churchill once said !

  83. Martha says:

    Hi.
    Thank you for this article. I had a short relationship with someone who left me because of depression. The relationship lasted only 5 months, and we met online and only saw each other in person for a week, so it was more of a promise than a solid relationship, unlike the ones others describe here. Nonetheless, we spoke every day on the phone, Skyped every evening, and wrote to each other all the time. we knew what the other was up to and were very supportive of one another. We are both professional writers, poets, in fact, so there was a very literary and intense aspect to our communications. We really seemed to have a lot in common, and our sensibilities, energy, beliefs, etc. seemed to resonate in an amazing way, and we were making all sorts of plans.

    We were going to see each other in a matter of 2 weeks (he already had plane tickets), and after that we were going on another trip together for an entire month. But he ended things because of his depression… and I did not see it coming. He had just had some serious health scares, and his reaction was to push me aside, to want to talk less to me, to want to chat rather than talk. I suspect he was also drinking. I tried to get closer and offer support, but he withdrew very quickly: in a matter of one week he decided the relationship was over. He said he had absolutely no complaints about me, but he felt isolated and scared, and could not handle a long-distance relationship at the time. He wouldn’t listen to reasons… like the fact that we were just about going to see each other. He said he simply could not “sustain” a relationship (which made me see it seemed more of a burden than support), and he needed to take care of himself and “regroup.” He wouldn’t even say any of this over the phone: he said he couldn’t bear to talk to me, so he just did it over email.

    I think I did the right thing, which was to say I understood (which I sort of do, actually), but that I thought the relationship we were starting was valuable and worthwhile. I said I was there for him if he needed me, even as just a friend, and he knew where to find me. But I am absolutely heartbroken. This has been more devastating to me than breakups from longer relationships, and although I’m in my late 40s, I feel like a teenager. I haven’t tried to contact him at all, unfollowed him on social media, but I am still in schock and sadder than I’ve ever been in a long time.

    Reading your article, at least it seems that I’ve reacted in the best way possible. I’d love to hear any thoughts from others.

    • Jan says:

      Hi Martha,

      I’m in a similar situation and can relate to what you’re going through. It hurts to realize the one you love won’t let you in. If it helps, I did have the LDR come visit and I wish I hadn’t. I was blindsided by the depression and of not fault of his, I fell into a depressive state. He ended up leaving early.

      Obviously, I’m looking at the internet for answers as well as I don’t have them. Has he cut off communication directly or indirectly? What I can say is that we have to focus on ourselves and hope that if this relationship is meant to be, then he will return more loving and capable of being in a long distance relationship with you! BIG hugs!!

      • Martha says:

        Hi, Jan.
        Thank you for you kind words. I find it so helpful to hear the experiences of others, and what you’re saying about what happened to you sounds pretty bad. It’s easy to get dragged down, isn’t it?

        I’ll tell you how it was. He was waiting for exam, results. The previous evening he wouldn’t talk to me, and said he was taking a Xanax because he was so anxious. I sent him an encouraging message. I texted him early the next day, and told him I was there, and wating for the results too. A couple of hours later he said he had got the results, and they were bad. He said he had tried to be present and supportive of me, but he was too worried about all of this to be able to sustain a LDR. I wrote saying I understood, but I was sorry. I emailed afterwards again, because I wanted to know what his surgery entailed, and it turned out to be something not as bad as I expected, so I asked to talk, and he said talking was hard, we could text. I told him to remember that the idea was that long distance thing was temporary, to remember I was trying to get a job in his city, to remember we were going to meet soon, we were just starting, etc. He said something to the effect that he appreciated hearing that, but he just needed to do this, to “back off a bit” to focus on himself, and the that he and his son (?) had discussed that this was impossible. That was it. I wrote a short message later, asking how he was but got no more answers.

        I guess you’re right, that if it’s meant to be, it is. I think that’s a good way to look at it. I also feel unsure about how a long-term relationship would be. As the days go by, I begin to think about myself too, you know? Do I want to go through something like this again, say, in a year?

    • Lori says:

      Martha,
      I read through many posts looking for someone more in my position, and that was you. Same thing. Long distance but was the most satisfying relationship of my life. He would wake up early early to FaceTime me for hours before his work. He lives in another time zone. 8 hours difference. He was the most amazing man I’d ever met. We weren’t looking but the connection was undeniable. Then recently, and just a month before we were to meet in the flesh for a 2 week holiday…he suddenly ends it. His depression is most likely situational due to the slow death of his father. He said he was hollow inside, in a hole, exhausted, doesn’t feel love or want love and he will only fail in our relationship. I was devastated as I know the love and connection is real. The hardes part is I am coming to his country in 4 weeks and he says he can’t see me because he doesn’t want to have his heart turn back around to me. That he just wants to be on his own. We haven’t spoken in 5 nights now and I’m very sad. Advice is welcome and needed. Sorry I can’t offer any to you. I wish you well and hope things turn around for you too!

      • Martha says:

        Hi, Lori.
        I’m sorry about what’s happening to you. I’ve read somewhere that long-distance relationships can be very intense, because people tend to communicate very honestly and they are willing to overlook minor things and not fuss over trifles. Mine certainly was, and it sounds like yours was too.

        I’m still very sad… I last heard from him over a month ago, when he wrote a short email saying he really hoped I was ok, he was getting ready for surgery, and he was tired, “hanging in there.”

        For a while I tried to get out there, even went on a few dates, but I realize I’m not ready. I’m just going to concentrate on myself for a while. I decided to take a break from social media— we’re still Facebook friends, and it hurt me to see his (few) posts, that show he’s not OK. I also wanted to stop him from seeing my life, you know? I don’t even know if he looks at my posts, but I think it’s better if I’m silent, because that’s really more consistent with what I feel.

        I know some people say not to give space to someone who is depressed, but in a relationship like ours, I feel it’s different. What good would it do to keep sending emails? I think I would only annoy him.

        So I’m not exactly waiting, but I want to let some time go by. There are a few reasons why I could write to him later, but I’m going to let the summer go by, and then, later on, maybe try to establish some kind of friendly contact. It seems like so little, but that’s all I can think of.

        So my only advice is to take care of yourself. I tried to leave the door open, and I feel that is the only thing I can do. Try to be good and kind to yourself.

    • lostartist says:

      I know this has been a year ago. but seeing your post is exactly as mine. Although we were physically together but only 3 mos. but it really was the best I’ve ever felt. He was nonjudgmental (i’m barren, and he accepted it). We had so much odd synchronicities, he was orphaned and grew up at a charity I was involved with for years. we are both artists, like the same bands know one knows about. we have the same humor. he was loving sweet and considerate. his “big brother” from the orphanage program, who became his father/brother figure, reached out to me to say “thank you for making him happy, he has struggled so much in life and to hear him happy is such a relief”. we are born the same month and same age. 39, so this isn’t a puppy love. And then, on our 7th week he got sick, cough that lasted for over a month, that’s when he became depressed. Up until our 2mos together, he consistently told me that he sees me in his future. but he has pulled away. I tried my best to remind him how amazing he is. gave him space, after the depression we’d only see each other every other 2 weeks. and 3 days ago, he messaged me that he doesn’t see anything “substantial” will come out of us. and that he thinks I knew it already. that he just wants endless space alone. I’m crushed, my heart is broken. he kept reassuring me before the breakup that isn’t wasn’t us. and days before he broke up with me through text, he texted me saying he is missing me. I am absolutely devastated. he also stopped being interested in most things. me, sex, bowling and eating out. he only works and stays in bed and ubereats everything. The only thing he does is play video games with his gamer friends online, but none of them knows he is depressed. I love the man. I know he love(d) me too. knowing he’s an orphan, I reached out secretly to his big brother. he was actually very grateful for letting him know, that he was — and is— rooting for us to work out just based on how he has told him about me and the fact that even if I was dumped, I am still worried for his mental health. we exchanged under 6mssgs in the text breakup, and have not talked for 3days now. I really have no plans of contacting him. I am hurt by what he said but I don’t hate him. during the breakup text, I made a mistake of actually saying that he might be thinking of getting back with an ex cos in one of his episodes he was contemplating about “should he have a family by now?” “Is that what I should be”. he really is lost. has become apathetic, total opposite. I’m letting him have the space but do not want to let go. but don’t want to chase him either.

      I just wanted to air this out.

  84. Helpless wife to a lost husband says:

    I’ve never done anything like this before but feel lost…
    My husband of 6 years but partner or 17 years left the family home 2 months ago. He’s been a compulsive gambler for before and all our married life. He’s had times of self control but the financial impact has been long lasting and has put strain on our relationship. Eventually he identified that he didn’t want to live like this anymore and sought lasting help over a year ago. The counselling changed him beyond belief. He withdrew from family life and begun building new friendships outside all family and linked friends. He distanced himself from even his closest friends or was superficial when with them. This process happened slowly but the impact has been ginormous. He did the counselling left him feeling numb and unable to enjoy anything, even the kids and things like football which he loved. He was and I believe is a good dad but his lost his way.
    His gambling has always been a secret and the true extend of the impact has never been shared-even with family or friends. He says the counselling has helped him overcome his addiction but it seems to have opened what I believe to be the underlying problem. A deep seated depression that was masked by the highs and lows of gambling and the lies that come with covering it up.
    When he left we saw each other as a family for about 4 weeks and discussed him moving home. The crunch moment came and he just never pitched. He’s been texting and calling other girls and has admitted that it fills a void and makes him feel good. He’s acknowledged he has depression I.e feeling very low in his words and says he’s sort help with tablets. He’s spoken to no family and has had limited contact with friends so his well-being is not being challenged. He’s telling his old friends lies about where he’s staying so nobody knows where he’s living. It seems men don’t seem to challenge each other so he is able to hide in this way. He’s socialising with his ‘new’ friends but they know nothing about who he is or what’s happening in his life.
    He has nearly daily contact with me via text as I’d rather keep lines of communication open but nothing overly serious. He says he’s written to me expressing his feelings but has never sent it. He knows I’d like to make the marriage work and will be patient-ish but not made a fool of. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave for good if that’s what he wants or just make a greater effort and then I’d feel we were on the same page.
    A week ago we met and I thought all was going well again but then we were due to meet up and a no show! He won’t commit to or leave the relationship for good. He says he will meet me but never pitches or pulls out last minute now just saying he doesn’t know what he wants, or what to say to me. It’s killing me and leaving me to deal with the children wanting to see their dad but I can’t say when or why he can’t see them. I keep searching online for anything remotely similar to see if there are positive outcomes or how long does it take or if my situation is so unique we are an anomoly.
    I guess when is it time to let it go and live knowing that if I’d waited it could have been ok or is it just too much hurt and pain to heal from? Over the years we’ve been through so much together and I had hoped our love was strong enough to overcome anything. I’m fearful of him making irrational decisions particularly around women and money because he hasn’t got a level head to challenge him or be accountable to. He will the. Feel worse and the depression worsens. I’m petrified that the impact of some of these mistakes will be too long lasting and will do anything to try and be there for him so that he doesn’t fall fowl of something silly or that he regrets because he couldn’t rationalise his choices at the time. Is there anything that can be done to help or is this just the norm? Any help or support would be valued-the lost and helpless wife or a lost husband! X

    • Linda says:

      When I read your post I had to respond. I have been reading these posts for months…looking for insight and (dare I say) hope. I, too, have a husband who has become a gambling addict. We have been married for 21 years and together for 30. Our once wonderful marriage has been destroyed by his untreated depression/mental illness. He moved out (abruptly) over 6 months ago. I can really identify with your situation. My spouse has also disconnected from family and friends, maintains his “secrets” and masks everything well (especially at work). He has been prescribed medication but does not take it, has been to a counselor but only sporadically, lies to his family doctor and is now at the phase where he believes his marriage is “holding him back”. He has ruined us financially and does not seem to care…our life savings are gone. I agree about your concern regarding the impact of irrational choices. I see him worsening with each passing month (mentally and physically). I’ve learned that depression plus gambling can be very challenging to overcome (and very serious). I’m at the point where I can’t let his poor decisions and behavior be so damaging to me and have filed for divorce (but only to protect myself legally/financially). Like everyone else, this is not the path I WANT but the one being forced upon me. I, too, thought our love and everything we’d gone through together would sustain us and I would do anything to save our marriage. I know how hard that is to reconcile, though…hope and love and past history with this seemingly completely different person. My husband is like a stranger to me now…cold, lying, manipulative and abusive. It’s like he has become emotionally dead. Creating a “new existence” for himself is all he cares about (no matter how unhealthy or destructive it is).

      The pain and anxiety this has created for me has been overwhelming. I have learned the meaning of becoming an “emotional widow”. Being betrayed but someone you loved and trusted so completely can be devastating. Taking the best “self-care” measures helps (seeing a therapist, etc.). Every day has been a struggle but hopefully time will work its magic someday. As for now, I continue to love and miss the man he once was while being devastated by the man he has become. Mental illness has many casualties.

      • Patricia says:

        Hi
        So sad to read but beneficial to know I am not alone , I feel I am reading my own story here. I am in a similar situation and feel I am on an emotional rollercoaster with my husband of 32 years (together 38), we share 3 amazing kids together (young adults now) and like yourself my husband left abruptly a year ago and was away for 6 months . I am not sure if he gambles as we now have separate bank accounts however I do believe he is smoking ‘grass’ which has increased his paranoia. He has detached from me , our family and all our close friends and appears to be angry at the world most of the time, I never know from day to day what man I am getting. My next stage is to try to buy him out of our family home as I feel I have lost enough without losing my home too. I thought my marriage was strong and that our love would be enough but sadly we are now on different pages . He is evasive most of the time and only sees one friend who I know very little about (the one he lived with for 6months) going to his most nights straight from work and coming home around midnight. I go from thinking there might be someone else involved to thinking there can’t possible be with his erratic mood swings. He is verbally abusive and emotionally shut down , I barely recognise him and now need to move on with my life before I become ill. He moved back in to the family home after a disagreement with his ‘friend’ and expected me not to ask any questions and just pretend the previous 6 months had not taken place. I love him with all my heart but do not like the man he has become , I now realise I can’t be responsible for his happiness and can only hope that one day we can become friends. Mental illness is so difficult to understand .

        • Linda says:

          Hi Patricia.

          I hope you are weathering the storm. I know how incredibly overwhelming these situations can be. It’s so hard to process and make sense of all the conflicting emotions (do I “love” him today or “hate” him today?). I know that seeking a divorce is the logical/rational step to take for my self-protection, but it’s been tough to deal with when my heart really isn’t in it. I had to meet with him recently for mediation after several months of no contact and I was shocked by his appearance, demeanor and behavior. Time has had him worse, not better (and of course divorce has made me the enemy). Like you, I know that I can’t be responsible for fixing him or the situation. It’s so surreal when it seems like I’ve been dealing with two completely different men. But I also know that the one I have to contend with now is the current “version” of him. My hope is that my heart can mend once the legal side is finalized. It’d be nice to believe in the idea of “light at the end of the tunnel”.

          I’m glad you have your kids for support. Wishing you, and all the other hurting partners, hope and healing.

        • Kate says:

          Hi Patricia,
          Your story is very similar to mine. I have been married for 22 years, together for 27. My husband and I have 3 wonderful kids together, who have been my saving grace. My husband has slowly withdrawn over the last 4-5 years or so to where he’s there physically, but not emotionally. Every time I try to talk to him about it, it turns into a fight. Every time I suggest therapy to him, he thinks I’m nuts for even bringing it up. He’s distanced himself from everyone he used to be close to. He wants very little to do with me outside of the kids. I can’t say he’s mean to me, he’s completely civil, just totally a different person. He’s had trauma in his life over the past 10 years with his father dying and becoming estranged from his closest sibling, but instead of leaning on me for help and support now he’s completely turned the other way. He says things to me like “I’m just waiting to die” and “what is the point of life”. Doesn’t seem like he enjoys very many things either. He covers it up beautifully when he sees people in person, but the second he’s out of their sight, he’s back to his depressed self. Don’t even know what to do, as one day I feel like I can’t go on with him and the other it scares the hell out of me to be without him. Wishing you luck on your journey and know that you’re not alone.

  85. Ellie says:

    I’m struggling and I’ve hurt him. We’ve been together 4 months, not that long but long enough for me to fall for him.
    He’s 45 and ususlly a very strong minded, confident, high testosterone male.
    He works hard and a month or so ago had to work extra, then he got an infection on a cyst in his man bits, he’s always called and txt me at least 2-3 times a day.
    He lives in a flatshare with another guy and has always shut himself away, even before we met.
    I’ve never pressured him as I have a history of severe depression which needed hospital treatment, i’ve been stable and positive for 11 years, I also have an elder daughter with borderline and asd.
    My man started to not want to see so much of me but was calling everyday, I kept getting txts of how bad he felt which was bringing me down, not that. I let on.

    The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago and he was pleased to have me there until the next morning. He usually cuddles up, says I make him happy, he slept on his side of the bed and he just wasnt ‘there’.
    Then he txt and called until a few days ago when he said he wanted some time on his own, that he’d explain and call that evening, he’d spent 2 days thinking about us he said. He never called, so I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to find out what he needed.

    This made me feel so bad as I hardly call him
    So I stupidly messaged him and told him It was ok as I felt my strength was going, and I couldnt take his behaviour and to get in touch when he could cope better. I felt guilty cos I know it’s not his fault so I sent him a much nicer message telling him it was ok, take as long as he needed and I wasnt going anywhere if he needed me, and that I trustec him to work this out for himself.
    He doesnt have many friends, and spends his time in his room, I couldnt understand why he was able to go and watch the boxing and have a meal, yet won’t even spend 5
    Minutes with me.
    We get on so well, were really close, he’s said this has nothing to do with me..huh? That’s so confusing..
    I want to help, he won’t let me, I don’t want to lose him..we haven’t said its over and I know this is the least of his worries, but I’m lost, I feel so rejected. I can’t afford to get ill again.
    I’m worried my message has screwed it all up.
    He doesnt deserve this, he’s such a loyal and amazing man.
    I havent messaged him for 2 days amd intend to leave him a bit. I can’t understand any of it.

    • Bre says:

      Any luck?

      • Ellie says:

        No nothing, 10 days no contact, but i’m getting stronger and caring less and less about him. Have been working on my own self esteem as have had a lot of his rejection.

        • Ellie says:

          I keep beinf un between I want to be with him and then not, I sent him one final message tellinf him i’m taking my kids away to centreparcs and that i’m doing well. Asked him if I should move on or what his intentions are, he hasnt even read it.
          Wish he’d have just said he didnt want to be with me anymore instead i get ‘I want to focus on myself with kisses in it’ and he’s previously said his depression has nothing to do with us…
          Going to give him 60 days of no contact on day 2 and staying away from any other men so I can focus on myself. Going to some seminars to pick up my self esteem.
          Why do they have to ignore us, i’m the first to give him space, they punish us for having feelings…

          • Martha says:

            “I’m the first to give him space, they punish us for having feelings.” I agree with you: it feels like punishment, it feels like they’re angry with us. I’ve been reading as much as I can… what I find is that they feel everything is so dark, they can’t deal with relationships.

            Hoa are you doing now?

  86. Hopefuly Worried says:

    This has helped me so much. I’m going through the same thing as my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me a month and a bit ago.
    He wasn’t my first ever boyfriend at age 18 and was the best thing that’s ever came into my life. Brought me the happiest times and was always an incredible boyfriend.
    Over the past while he has displayed many symptoms of depression following a bereavement and he stopped going to councelling. He sleeps so much and doesn’t seem to do much, other than go to work. He hasn’t very poor self esteem issues.
    He broke up with me Saying I deserve so much better, that I am too good for him, that I deserve someone like myself and that he was a burden on me and told me he hadn’t very negative thoughts including suicidal thoughts and that he can’t handle the pressure of a relationship right now. It hurt and it still does but I respected his decision. We still talk but about mundane things and never about how he is doing, I know he hasn’t other friends he can talk too so I’m not to worried about that. I miss him so much, like I miss everything so so much. Like all I want to do is climb into bed with him and sit in silence watching a movie, just as long as he was there? I’m a mothering friend naturally so I have such a need and desire to help him and be there for him but that is not what he needs from me right now. I send him encouragement indirectly and he thanks me for it. I just really miss him, the way he used to be especially- kind considerate loving caring funny bubbly and my best friend. I know he is going to be okay eventually but my patience needs major work. I just hope when he does feel okay he doesn’t forget about me, even though he says he won’t I’m afraid he will.
    I recently found out from a mutual friend that he thought incredibly highly of me. She showed me messages they exchanged and they made me feel sad and happy. He said I was the most influential person in his life and that I made him really happy and that he was so thankful that he had me in his life.
    He said recently he is going back to councelling and I hope they help him through this properly so I guess time will really tell if we ever get back.

    I know this doesn’t begin to cover everything that went down but I wanted to post now, so hopefully in the future I can come back and bring some hope.

    I hear you all loud and clear, we’re going through a life lesson none of us asked to learn. I stay hopeful for all of you that things will come back and flourish again. I need advice from anyone on the other side or who has been experiencing this for a while.

    How can I help him? Where do I draw the line? Will he ever open up again to me? How do I make him see that I love him unconditionally?

    Thank u for this thread, so nice to see I’m not alone and that this is s regular occurance and I’m not going mad!

  87. Dick says:

    Remain strong. My girlfriend finally pushed me away for good. Her best friend moved away, lost a family member and we went through an abortion.

    This threw her into a deep depression. We both were in denial but the love we felt for one another, when the depression bit or boiled over she began to change suddenly I was annoying, or a nuscance. It was a roller coaster of hi’s and lows. She refused to seek any professional help and me even suggesting that was attacking her.

    I slowly became the enemy. The last six months she was mix of quick tears and extreme jolts of happy but distant and very negative. All efforts of a healthy relationship faded and I was putting in all the work, until the blows offs started happening. I told her let’s take a breath and give us little space, she was confused and didn’t not like talking about her depression or how she was treating the relationship. Accountability only caused more tension.

    Couple weeks of doing our own thing, texting and talking on the phone seemed okay or somewhat normal, until we met up. It led to her weeping uncontrollably in public. Seeing her like this sad and hurt destroyed me knowing that I was helpless and only harming us. I drive her home.

    I’m pretty shaken up, hurt, and bummed the fuck out. But I simply texted her That I love her, I’m here if she needs I’m and or to talk if she wants.

    End of the road. Three days know nothing. I’m assuming the worst (I no longer make her happy, love gone and another man in her life) and moving on.

    I have work stress and an aspiring artist so time in at this point in my life, would most likely be destructive. Just writing this out helped a little.

    So here I again go feeling hella jaded and salty, like all my efforts in love and relationships were futile. Time build up my walls, focus on my career and ignore the “relationship” course. Good luck to all of you. It wont be easy but you will all find strength to carry on. ✌️

  88. Mel says:

    I NEED HELP PLEASE.

    My ex girlfriend and I were very happy until I started feeling suspicious of who she talked to and what she talked about every time I asked her she would say it was nothing important but this was an everyday thing she would hang up a call with me just so she could talk to “friends” we had a serious talk about this and I asked if she could give me her password to her email but found nothing there so we forgot about this. Later on the same thing continued to happen I opened up to her and told her how I felt about her talking to so many guys on social media that flirt with her and she couldn’t tell them she was in a serious relationship so she “wouldn’t hurt” them but she really didn’t understand so I was curious one night she started taking forever to reply to my messages and without her knowing I did log on to her Instagram to see she goes along with the guys she flirts with and was sending naked pictures of herself to another guy. I tried to make her feel guilty about it and make her confess without me telling her I went through her Instagram but she was able to lie to my face so I told her “I know what you did on Instagram” she went on to say how she didn’t care about this guys because she doesn’t feel the same “romantic affection” with them like she does with them so I told her to leave them and she couldn’t for whatever reason she couldn’t. I really don’t know how but I forgave her without her even apologizing to me and I felt like the bad person when I wasn’t. Everything was good until the exact same thing happened but this time she still doesn’t know I found out she was flirting and sending nude photos to another guy. I still love her so much and would do anything to be with me even after this but I knew I had to break up with her if I wanted to keep her in my life at least as a friend. So I did and the next day explained to her why I did what I did but she didn’t care she said “I hate you because you said you loved me but hurt me” When I tried to explain to her how sad and heart broken I felt she would say stuff like “fuck you” and I pretty much asked her “Do you want to be friends?” she told me “idk” so I said “ok let me put it this way do you want me to leave you alone for good?” She said “I. DON’T. CARE.” So I apologized for everything I did which I never did anything wrong and never accused her of what she did wrong I wished her well and if she ever needed someone to talk to i would be here. Later that day I try to relax and play some video games when I came home and my first online session she happened to be in my same game… These odds were just mind blowing and I tried messaging her i’m sorry and that she will always be in my thoughts and she just said I was a douche but I promise you I was the opposite of that but she doesn’t see it not once did I call her a name raise my voice even when she did wrong things and was unloyal multiple times. She ended up saying “What’s the point of living anymore if i’m just going to keep getting hurt” that was the last time I heard from her and I asked a friend and he said she stopped texting him after she said this to me, I got on her Instagram again to see if she was at least messaging people but she didn’t reply to them either. I was in panic because I could only think what if she is thinking of suicide and I have no way to get in contact with her or maybe she was cutting herself which breaks my heart because she doesn’t seem to understand that I love her some much and care for her but I tried messaging her on Snap around 8pm she never opened it so. I was going to wait a day until I was thinking of calling her grandma to check on her but thankfully she read my message on snap in the morning but never replied. I want this to work out and if not I want to at least be friends with her. I just don’t understand because she told me earlier she still had feelings and she hides how she is really feeling I really didn’t think she was thinking like this but now I don’t want to leave her but don’t know what to do please help me. I need help.

  89. Andrea says:

    My partner of 4 years has been depressed for 6 months and ended the relationship 6 weeks ago. It was a very hard period of time to get through the depression and I could feel him sleeping away, talking about suicide and so on. He got on medication and things looked better. Somehow it just didn’t feel right. He changed, bought new clothes, pushed me away. Whenever I said something about it, he told me to stop thinking like a fool. He was sick and I shouldn’t worry.
    6 weeks ago he sent me a text message saying we were done. After that no more communication. It was a really hard time for me, no answer, not a clue what was going on. He blocked my phonecalls (called him twice a week), no reply to my email. I wasn’t stalking, just trying to get back in touch. He didn’t open the door when I was at his house.
    One morning I decided to go to his house one last time to talk. I loved him so much, he was the love of my life. We had such a wonderful relationship up until the depression.
    He had no clue I was there (new car) so he opened the door. He was angry to see me but he did want to talk to me. After 6 hours of talking he told me he started seeing someone one month before breaking up. And she was living with him after two weeks (so he was already living with her before breaking up). My world fell apart.
    It’s somethin I find so difficult to deal with. How can you go from a happy relationship to breaking up and living with another woman?
    None of our friends understand any of this behaviour. I”m heartbroken. My trust is gone. Everyone says he’ll be back within a few weeks because he did this out of his depression. I don’t know, and I don’t know if I ever want him back into my life. I so sad, destroyed. It’s never been this hard to heal my broken heart. Most probably because of the heavy months of depression prior to his living.
    He said he used to love me somehow, but this new woman is all he ever wanted. Which is strange because he always told me how our relationship incredible, his love for me beyond words.
    I wouldn’t talk him back, he lied and cheated. I couldn’t get intimate after all this.
    But I still love him so much. My parents tell me not to get involved again. I should go on with my life, get strong again and move on.

    • Ting says:

      That’s what they all tell me, go on with my life and move on. But just like you, I still love my depressed ex boyfriend. From what I read and learned about depression, depressed partners believe that this new relationship could fill the emptiness and loneliness they feel inside
      They also think that why would they stay in their current relationship if they’re not happy with it anymore. In short, they blame the relationship for their unhappiness. Somehow, they feel this contributed to their loneliness.
      This is so true with my ex.. Our difference is, he answers me whenever I ask him about what he feels and what he thinks..But he always tells me that I will never find the answer to my questions. I’m still lost in all of this. I hope you have the courage to move on..

      • Andrea says:

        Thank you very much for your reply. Sorry for my typo’s, I was on my phone and auto correct changed a few words.
        He doesn’t blame the relationship, he said it was good from the beginning till the end. But he met the other woman a few years prior to our meeting and she contacted him. He was depressed and it made him happy to get all this attention from someone he used to fancy. She knew he was in a relationship. He said he always loved the way our relationship was but the feelings he experiences with her are all he wants. I knew about her, he told me how they met all those years ago. But they lived in different countries and well, she now lives with him.

        I will move on. I’m seeing a therapist and the crying is getting less and less. I still love him deeply. I care about him, just like you still do.

    • Louise says:

      This sounds like manic depression to me. It sounds like he is in a state of mania where he is obsessed with this new woman and doing reckless things like leaving a longterm relationship and jumping into things very quickly with this new woman. I don’t think it will last with her, mania normally lasts a few months then often a bout of depression follows where he may want to return to the comfort of your relationship but I would say do not take him back if he does return as the same will happen again unless he gets help (lithium to stabilise mood and therapy too) if he doesn’t this will continue. I dated someone for 5 months with bipolar and was with him in his state of mania (I only know that now) where he spent LOTS of money on us I assumed he had but soon told him not to (suggested walks, cycles etc that are fun and free), booked BIG holidays, bought a motorbike, wanted to move in, get married, start a family despite having 3 children to 2 other woman. He was all about me and him, completely full on and so intense and then all of a sudden, I’m not strong enough for this relationship with everything else in my life, I can’t cope, I’m struggling, you deserve better and haven’t heard from him since (2 months) x

  90. Ting says:

    My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 4 months ago. I think he’s depressed. He dumped me as his girlfriend but says I’m still his best friend. He said he’s not happy and feels so alone, doesn’t see any future for both of us. He said he’ll never find someone who can really make him happy.

    My bf parents separated when he was still a child. Both his parents remarried. He grew up jumping from his mom’s house, to his dad’s house, to his grandparents house. I think he has abandonment issues which stemmed from his childhood. Depression also runs in his family because his Mom tried to kill herself before. He also has issues with his past relationships. His wife doesn’t want to give him annulment (no divorce in our country). He doesn’t have the financial capability to pursue the annulment. He hates his work now but couldn’t resign because he needs to pay his bills and all. I am no doctor but from what I read, the symptoms he has and his background, I really think he has depression.
    I supported him all those 7 years, all aspects. That’s why I was really hurt. But because I think he has depression, I still try to understand what he is going through. In fact, I’m trying to accept the friendship he is offering even it hurts so much.
    I’m just so confused. He admits that he is so scared to grow old alone but then again why did he leave me.
    He can be friends with me but not see me as his girlfriend. We talk on the phone sometimes. We go out for a drink sometimes. We cry together. And I agreed to be intimate with him again. It’s such a roller coaster ride. I don’t know where I stand. Although, he tells me that he wishes me well and that I find someone who will reall love me.

    I am confused. Or am I just in denial?

    • Bre says:

      I think youre in denial love. It sounds like he’s using you as a crutch and is manipulating you. I know its hurtful but satisfying his needs while neglecting your own will lead to more heartbreak.

  91. Chantel says:

    I can’t tell you how everyone’s comments help. I am not alone. Our stories are so similar. My BF of almost 2 years just shut me out. In the middle of January we had a difference of opinion about me spending the night at his house with his 22 year old soon there. He couldn’t understand that I didn’t feel comfortable. He basically cut off all communication with me, wouldn’t answer texts. I didn’t try to call as he said he wouldn’t answer. This went on for a week. He finally answered me and we spent the next 10 days like normal. We had been looking at houses together. Then all of a sudden he stops texting and calling. I called him on the 7th and that’s when he told me that he is in another bout of depression. He has suffered for years, does not take medication, has seen a counselor, and had a suicide attempt over 10 years ago. We made plans to see each other that weekend. Friday afternoon he cancels. I knew that it was depression and that I needed to give him space. He said we’d see each other the next day (Saturday). Needless to say, we didn’t. He never contacted me. I didn’t hear from him until Valentine’s Day when I sent a text saying I ❤️U. He sent back ditto. I took that as a good sign that I was reaching him. Nothing for 3 days until he sent a text telling me he had something that he had ordered for me. He ended up leaving it for me at my work. I called him to thank him and we talked for an hour. Started out normal but changes to the situation. We talked about a lot of things that have been going on and what I’ve learned about myself in this. He also told me that I had made him want to leave by snapping at him and changing my mind about wanting to participate in swinging. No, not dancing, but partner swapping. I don’t want to do it but had kept an open mind in the beginning. Now I’m starting to wonder if this is just an excuse to back out of a relationship where he is afraid I’ll leave. I realize that depression makes men want to do things to feel something, which is what I think the swinging is about. I can’t help but wonder if he comes back, if I should end things. We never broke up, I have stuff at his house and he at mine. We are both in our 50s. I love him and I want to support him, but his behavior is not good. Is this just depression or does it go deeper? I truly feel for all of you. I have run the gamut of emotions from hurt to mad. Now I’m realizing I hold the power, not him.

  92. Kate says:

    My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs, as all marriages do, but always loving each other, loving our children, loving our life that we’ve built together. About 10 years ago, an entire slew of life events came and changed the dynamic of our entire family…my husband’s father died (his best friend), he became estranged from his only sibling, the business that he had built was no longer viable, and to top it all off a medical issue was brought on that kept him pretty much bed ridden for close to 6 months, with another few to recover following a surgery after that. All of this has completely changed his life and his focus, but I have stood by his side ever minute, never once wavering my support of him or of our family. I take care of absolutely everything regarding our family and household demands, while giving him room and space to “figure things out.” Inside I’ve become so resentful of the fact that I’ve done all of this for him, and even though he knows it inside, doesn’t often give me the credit that is due. He has completely withdrawn from any intimacy with me, to where I rarely get a kiss as he walks out the door, hugs are unheard of, and you’d think sex was a deadly game to play. This is tearing me apart. I know he’s depressed. I’ve tried to get him in therapy, something which he “doesn’t believe in” and “doesn’t think it will help” him, but begrudgingly he went a few times. Apparently he doesn’t need a therapist to tell him what’s wrong with him, he’s completely aware of all of his faults, and why he is the way he is right now. He’s tired of me trying to “fix” him by telling him he needs to talk to someone, but at this point I’m starting to break down. My kids are the only thing that keep me going and it scares the hell out of me that my oldest will be gone in a few years. I’m not quite sure how much more time I can give him to figure things out…when I confess my feelings to him, they’re never taken seriously, I can almost always feel an eye roll as I speak. Obviously he has been through trauma, but I’m supported him unconditionally and loved him through it all only to be shit on in the end.

  93. Sue says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me on January 20, 2018. I never even saw it coming. He behaved that day as normal texting me throughout the day to check in. Just regular stuff. When he got to my house later to hang out he sat down for conversation about what we had done during the day and then broke the news that “he can’t do this anymore” and that he is not in love with me. We were only 2 weeks away from the two year mark in our relationship. He had told me early on that he had dated a woman for two years and had to rip off the bandaid when he felt they had become bored like an old married couple and that the relationship was just focused around their kids. He felt two years was enough to know whether he wanted to commit. As we neared our two year period I felt that what we had was strong and still exciting at least to me and felt very confident that such a fate was not possible for us as I thought he valued me and our closeness. Anytime I voiced any insecurities he firmly said I was over analyzing and that he was in it for the long haul. He had told me at the start that he wouldn’t be able to take any major steps until his daughter had graduated college which would be 5 years from then. I was ok with that since I wasn’t in a rush and not planning to have children. So when he made his announcement that day that he no longer wanted to continue, I was in great shock. It just felt like a bad dream and I never saw it coming. I could barely think straight and couldn’t collect thoughts enough to respond much except express anger and sadness. I told him I had trusted him and opened myself up to him. He said he loved me but was not in love with me and wasn’t able to take it to the next level with me or maybe ever with anyone. Later in the week I texted him to ask why he didn’t at least let me know this earlier on when he first started feeling this way so I could at least decide if I wanted to continue. He didn’t respond to that but did say his heart has been absent lately and both of us deserve to be happy and never meant to hurt me and that he was truly sorry.
    That was 1/28 and I have not made contact since then and do not intend to at this moment although have considered it. But since then I have been thinking about what has changed with him in the past 6 months or so. It is that he had become tired all the time, expressed that he has no motivation, just wanted to go home and lie on the couch and watch tv. He was constantly upset over his daughter ‘s demands of him, lack of gratitude for all he does, and her threats to drop out of her prestigious college and move to LA. He also had many sleepless nights , a sudden change to his job role, lack of appetite, high college bills, weight gains, little regard for his health, no exersize, no sex drive, irritated over minor things or anger while driving, constant upset stomach, colds that go on for a long time and ear aches. When he had a cold, he didn’t sound like it to me. He also said he thinks his ear hurts but isn’t sure. This actually was on the morning he broke up with me. I was wondering how do you not know if your ear hurts.
    I kept telling him over the past several months that he needs to stand up to his daughter and let her know who is in charge and take care of himself before he runs himself into the ground. It didn’t matter what I said because he never followed my advice but continued to complain. I never knew much about depression and did not know that what he showed me were signs of it. I just thought he was just not good at coping. I grew up with a mother with mental illness but hers was much different than how his depression looked so it wasn’t recognizable to me.
    His daughter reaches out to me and let me know she wants to continue to have me in her life and that she loves me. This made me happy to hear and she does continue to be in touch, but I’m not sure how it will go.
    Only after we broke up did it occur to me to look up depression and learn about it. And now finding this website I see so many others have experienced something similar with a SO who suddenly terminates the relationship without warning or much signs. I had been telling him that he needs to start making changes to improve his health and how he deals with stress because it is affecting our relationship. I told him he has been stressed most of the past 6 months or so every time I see him. He had said near Christmas that he was so tired of taking care of the dog that he was ready to give him away. He loves that dog. Later as it turned out I was the one who got cut out.
    He was very excited and expressive in the beginning. He expressed his love for me within only the first month or so. We went on 2 trips abroad and another in the US within the first year and a half. He already appeared very loving and devoted to me. It’s just so confusing to me. He had a really awful first marriage where his ex wife cheated on him and tried to take their daughter to the other side of the country. He fought and obtained full custody and raised her alone. I know all of this has left deep scars. He just got to this stage of life where she reached 18 and he could congratulate himself for doing it alone. He had been so happy for a while. His reason for letting me go was so he could focus on himself as he said he is a mess.
    I never would have thought he would do something like this and it makes it very hard to trust someone again.
    I don’t know if he even realizes he is depressed and should get help for it. He hides it well to people on the outside. I thought about contacting him to tell him to get help but family tells me I should just let him go as he was willing to hide it from me and cut me off and that I should just focus on taking care of myself now. I got so close with his family too as he included me in all of their gatherings which were frequent. It’s a huge loss that is heartbreaking in so many ways.
    That this occurred is very frightening to me. It is amazing to see so many other similar stories and knowing about this disease gives me comfort in understanding what he may be going through and why he had to break up. From what I read I know that a depressed person can’t connect to feelings much anymore and maybe that would explain the “not in love feeling” he expressed. I am grateful to read these articles and the many stories of people who have dealt with something similar and how they managed.

  94. Billy says:

    I found this article to be very helpful. My wife and I have been happily married for 19 years, then 4 months ago it was like a switch went off and she has been depressed since. We were so in love, now she says that she doesn’t love me anymore and thinks of me as more of a friend. She has told me that she has even considered divorce, which 4 months ago she said that she didn’t believe in divorce and that she would always try everything before it got to that point. She has been pushing to move out the last month, leaving me and children, which is completely unlike her. I was able to convince her to see a therapist and she has start taking medication, I have seen a lot of improvement in the last two weeks. But every night I am afraid that even if she gets better, she will have to room left in her heart for me.

  95. lew says:

    I’m so thankful to have found this article. My partner of 8years turned around to me 2 weeks ago and said that he didn’t want this anymore and that he needed to be on his own. Totally on his own. We’d lived together for 5years at his parents house and were due to move out into our own home this year. Now he says he wants to get his own flat to just be totally on his own, away from everyone. I’m devastated. We’ve had a really tough year due to an unexpected health condition on my part but we were pulling through it together and we’ve not taken the time to work on us due to the stresses of everything else. I’ve suffered with depression myself in the past and know the signs pretty well. He’s throwing everything away. Not just me, he applied for a really big promotion at work and is due to hear about it soon and now he says he doesn’t want that anymore despite it being all he’s spoken about and strived for for as long as I can remember. He’s due to run the London marathon this year and now he’s saying he’s giving up his place because he doesn’t need the pressure of worrying about having to go for a run on a night when he’d rather sit in and have a beer and until now he’s been so psyched for it, it’s something he’s always wanted to complete and achieve. He’s unrecognisable and it all came to a head all of a sudden. I have no doubt the pressures of everything have got to him but he won’t admit what’s going on. He won’t admit that there’s anything wrong because he doesn’t see the change in his behaviour, in his actions or in himself. We’ve come too far and achieved too much together to give up on everything and I’m determined to be there for him whenever he is ready to talk, I just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so worried that his parents don’t see it and let him go on his own and the potential spiral he’s then going to hit of being on his own more and more. I just don’t want him to do anything serious, I couldn’t live with that. He’s just pushing me away and can’t explain any other reason why.

    • Samantha says:

      I know it’s been a while, I hope you see this. Do you have any updates? And how are you doing now? Your story sounds remarkably close to mine, even down to him really wanting this promotion at work and then turning it down when it was offered to him. That was right before he broke it off with me after 5 years through a text. It’s been a month and a half now and I miss him so much. I’m constantly in pain and I feel so desperate. Anyway, I hope to hear from you <3

  96. WB says:

    We are enageged to be married this year but my fiancé left the apartment today. He said he needed to be at his parents’ house. He left his keys so I am not sure if he is coming back. He’s been battling depression since he was a teenager. He had a difficult childhood and those episodes from his childhoold still resurface once in a while. When he is not depressed, he’s very affectionate, sweet, loving and sincere. I know he loves me but he hates to see me sad when we’re having this issue. He says he doesn’t know what to do anymore to make me happy. He thinks his love for me is not enough. I am only a human and the depression sucks the energy from both of us. We had a fight last night and he tried to hurt himself. I talked to him and he agreed to talk to a counsellor today. On the way home, both of us were quiet. I didn’t want to start any cover station Because I didn’t want to upset him. When he’s mad, he drives recklessly and it terrifies me. He dropped me off our apartment and said he had to stay at his parents house. I don’t know if he is coming back. I love him and this breaks my heart.

    • GC says:

      Hi there WB,in in the exact same situation as you right now and I’m losing my mind.what was the outcome of this?I hope it’s positive and I hope to hear from you.

  97. Jessica says:

    Recently my relationship with my partner of 3 years has just completely fallen apart. He revealed his depression to me on New Year’s day stating he wasn’t happy for months. Had felt suicidal and wanted to move on. We talked and cried and confessed how much we loved each other; we had planned our whole lives together. He took some time and slept at his parents for a few nights saying he needed to think what he was going to do. His moods are up and down, as are mine. I didn’t understand what was going on. I feel like I failed him as a support. I would cry and get upset. I felt abandoned and discarded. Two days ago he decided ending this was the best for his health. Saying goodbye we still confessed how much we loved each other, and I said I knew and understood why he needed to take care of himself before we could work on us. I’m so scared and so sad he will get better and never come back. I’m scared he’ll never seek treatment. I’m so lost in how I feel. I wish I was there to support him through it. That he would of let me be there. I feel like I’ve failed him. I know I’m supposed to go on living my life. But it’s hard. My place is a half empty shadow of what was, and I don’t want to change or touch anything because I’m afraid to move on. I read these posts about people’s partners coming back and remembering their love and I hope so much that happens for us.

    • P P x says:

      This is exactly the same position I am in. My boyfriend of 3 years (my soul mate) has just left. His business has failed and he has gone from a very successful career to being super skint and with in his mind no option. He has slowly over 6 months drifted away, the loving touchy person just wanted to be left alone and hide away with no touch. I had done everything to help even letting myself come second. Last week he admitted he was miserable about everything in life he loves me but he couldn’t see a future with me or a future in anything. Everyone is shocked – I am totally at a loss to me he is the person I’m meant to be with but he just isn’t him at the moment. After trying hard to make him see I’ve accepted I need to give him his space and let him go with hope he will realise. He is emptying his stuff out of our house this week.
      I just hope he does sort himself out and realise what he is doing. Has anyone had this experience ? Do they come back, do they realise ? or does depression take then over.

      • Ama says:

        Hi PP

        My boyfriend of five years ended our relationship due to undiagnosed severe depression, severe anxiety and PTSD. I tried to be there for him in the months after he realised he was depressed, even when I founf out he slept with someone else the week after we broke up. He went on meds and to counselling but over those months he would pull me in and push me away. He had pulled away from me long before our relationship ended and was very cold and hostile towards me. I drew a line six months after the breakup. I had put all my energy into him and his needs and I ended up in a really bad place and neglected myself, which is so easy to do when you love the person and are so worried for them. He did realise it, the counselling helped him to see his issues came from a very traumatic childhood (something I always knew) and he begged for me to come back, he told me all the things I always wanted to hear but never did. For me, it came too late and the damage was done, I couldn’t imagine trusting him to not do it again. So the answer is yes he could come back to you but you won’t know how you’ll feel if and when he does. I was constantly told to look after myself by others who cared for me, I didn’t listen, I was too devastated by it all and felt selfish when I thought of his suffering. But my advice would be to do what I didn’t, do take care of yourself. Maybe if I had stepped away and hadn’t taken the brunt of his depression I would have felt differently when he did come back. It’s a horrific position to be in and my heart so goes out to you, but please give some energy to yourself in all this, or it will wear you down and burn you out. Sadly I’m back in this position with a new partner, but this time I didn’t panic and rush to try “fix” it, I’ve stayed away to give myself the time to decide if I want to even chance this road again

        • S says:

          Hi Ama,
          My boyfriend of 2 years left me in January. I didn’t realize he was depressed but knew he had been very anxious over different things in the prior 6 months. I always thought I was his support through it all so the breakup was unexpected. I also avoided subjects that would bring him down or get him upset. Looking back now I feel he had been depressed and anxious and I was always his rock but not really fair to myself. He basically dropped off the face of the earth since breaking up with me. He barely responded to a couple of texts I sent in the first month after the breakup. I haven’t contacted him since then as I feel it would be perceived as begging him to come back and I’m not sure that’s what would be best for me. After reading these posts it seems like a very difficult life to stay with someone who is depressed. It’s so difficult though as I still struggle with missing him every day. It was a great relationship other than the anxiety episodes. I still cry sometimes. I am talking to a counselor and focusing on me and moving forward with my life but I don’t know how long it will be til I will be able to date again. My heart is still with him despite feeling like he threw me away. One day at a time I guess. I feel strongly that he did love me too but the illness has taken over him and he is no longer the same person that he was. And like you, if he comes back I don’t know that I would trust this wouldn’t happen again. I don’t want to go through it again. I can’t imagine how you must feel being in a similar situation again. You are right to focus on yourself. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.

          • Ama says:

            Hi S

            I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s very difficult for the person experiencing the depression but being the collateral damage of it is just as hard. I read so much about it and honestly when I told him I didn’t want to communicate anymore that’s when reality sunk in for him. As hard as it is (I got a very long email recently that basically said I’m the love of his love and he can’t reconcile what he did or put me through) I just can’t believe that it wouldn’t happen again at some point or that we wouldn’t fall back into our old ways of not communicating. Taking care of yourself is a very vague notion, I didn’t know how to do it, I’m not sure I still do, but you are right to not put yourself in the position of more hurt. You are not the cause and you certainly don’t need to take the brunt of it given what you’ve been through. I hate being back in this position, although this person is very different to my ex, it seemed a much healthier relationship and he got overwhelmed by his issue and sadly did what so many men do and that was to react impulsively and run away. I haven’t made contact but am in no man’s land because I feel stuck, I care for him deeply but i don’t know if I can face putting myself through the heartache again

          • S says:

            Ama, thanks for your response. Yes I agree with you about not wanting to put yourself through heartache again at least if you can control it somewhat at this point. This for me has been the most painful experience I can ever remember having and still deal with daily. And it’s still somewhat early on in the process.ive been reading all the posts here and on the depression fallout site . It seems there are no easy solutions and it’s hard to know what the best approach is for moving forward. Just reading the posts has soothes me when feeling sad as they remind me its a serious illness. This helps me to accept the losses and to continue to let them sink in. I lost him but at the same time lost his daughter from my life and all of his family who I was also close to.
            I’m regard to taking care of yourself , what’s working for me is finding a balance in spending time grieving and making changes in my life as well as spending time with friends and family who are supportive.
            I hope that whatever you choose works in favor of the best possible outcome for you.
            Take care.

          • Helle says:

            Hi,
            I am surprised by how many people were dumped by their depressed ex boyfriends.
            When the depression is involved in a relationship, the situation becomes way more complicated. You even don’t know if it’s really the depression or other factors caused them want to leave the relationship. People usually are more tend/willing to believe it’s the depression which will actually make ourselves more suffering. If we agree to break up, then we feel we dumped someone depressed although we are actually the ones who were dumped at the first place. If we don’t and still trying to help, then we feel like an idiot by being ignored/rejected all the time. So the best thing for our own mental health is trying your best to move on and take good care of yourself before you’re capable of/strong enough to deal with him. What is meant to be, it will be. We cannot control other people, but at least we can manage ourself. I have been suffering a lot myself in the past 4 months, I am trying my best to go over this breakup, I keep on seeing therapist and going out and focusing on myself. I know it’s hard, but I know that’s the right thing to do if I want to continue my own life without suffering more and more with him. Life is too short to suffer with someone who doesn’t want to be with us for no matter what reasons. Depression should not be a valid reason for them want to leave us if they truly love us, instead they should open to us and face/go through it together. I really don’t believe in ”if I love you, I would let you go so you won’t suffer with me”.
            Hope everyone here in the similar situation will find a way going through this harsh time. I can totally feel how everyone feels. It’s super draining and heart broken.
            Helle

  98. Shell says:

    Ive gone through this depression withdrawal twice now.

    6 years living together. Last year my partner withdrew. The depression was terrible, crying shaking, paranoid and drinking heavily. He was also shaking. He blamed me hid from me but came back said he pushed me away to protect me from what he was going through.

    3 weeks started again its ruined christmas other people have witnessed the anger, crying the saying hes scared whats hsppening yo him. This time drinking benders over christmas. He wont seek help and has been gone a week
    This time im suffering terrible. I have now choose to cut him of. Agsin has a get out to stop at family members. This man needs to realise running of isnt solving the otoblem but makes it worse. Im hurt and angry.
    Its not all about the depressed person we need support and love also. The drptessed seem to have willing relatives who aud this behaviour.

    • Michelle says:

      Well this is my post. Again im in the same position. Ive just cried when i read my OWN POST. We had just been on holiday nothing wrong boom of he goes he has no feelings for anything. Im the cause of the depression. The drinking has escalated. There are pattens to his behaviour around anniversary of his grandads death, he has cut me of all communication whilst he drinks. Still goes back to enabling family member.

      Maybe its how some people cope. Maybe us careing are strong and just don’t understand. I know somewhere after 8 years he loves me very much. But hes choose to be a lone drinking. Even if it was something small. In the past he admitted depression but doctor couldn’t help due to drinking. This time hes focusing external for a problem not internal. Hes also paranoid of me. I really hope we can work through his pain and mine, waiting gor him to reach out for support.

  99. Creatives34 says:

    I am in a long distance relationship with a younger man for the last two years. Communication was always an issue as he was very reluctant to express love verbally and came across as cold and emotionless. It was only when we would meet which was after every 3 months or so that he would turn loving and caring which he displayed through physical intimacy or through his actions and those would be very happy moments. He had his distant spells where he would go incommunicado for days or a week or so and could never explain it. Always very lame illogical neither here or there answers which never satisfied me. And then I would doubtwhether he actually loved me at all. These were usually after a tiff or argument about his unavailabity. Financially he was always struggling so plan to meet were always initiated by me. He never seemed eager to do so citing the need to study extensively to clear competitive exams which he is preparing for. After a fight 3 months ago in October where I accused him of being self absorbed and emotionally unavailable and undemonstrative and making me feel unwanted and unloved he withdrew again but this time he started being rude in his replies and very hurtful. As if he was a different person altogether. I was shocked and heartbroken this was not the man I loved but a stranger who now wanted to break up. I was baffled by his replies and complete withdrawal and very broken. After a lot of tortureI started reading up on this behaviour and am firmly convinced he is in depression. He always had bouts of severe headaches and stomach aches. Had a repressed childhood and is under tremendous pressure from his family to clear civil competitive exams and become an officer. He only studies 24x 7. His family sends him a stipend just enough for survival as he had to leave his job to study for these exams.

    He is in denial completely and says no when I try to discuss his depression or problems. He hardly talks to me after that long fight in Octoberand when I initiate contact he is evasive and taciturn. I have tried everything to make him feel better but nothing worked. I feel I have lost him to depression.

    What should I do? Can anyone give me any insight? Will he return to me? I can’t live without him.

  100. Georgia says:

    I have recently moved in with my partner of 7 years to our first family home we are exspecting a baby girl in a months time a week before moving out we were both so so happy but a couple of weeks before moving out my partners dad had a really scary accident which my partner was finding hard to deal with but although all that had gone on still seemed to be happy moving out and so excited about our little girl once we moved out he did mention moving out when his dad needed him most was hard and he was struggling Iv supported him through this as much as I could then a few arguments cropped up which I didn’t Really understand the things he was saying didn’t make sense but I just thought he was lashing out a month after being in our new home his best friend committed suicide it was truly devastating I really tried to be ther and at first he let me but then we stopped talking as much things turned a bit cold but being pregnant and having few complications myself I was struggling I thought with a bit of time we would be ok and then on Xmas eve he left m told me he’s sorry he tried but has no feelings for me Iv been totally destroyed by it I love this man so much and am left in total shock how can someone whos been in ur life for so long and been so happy just fall out of love with you in the space of two months I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know what to do I have a month before our little girl is due and he’s gone reading through some of these posts make me realise he must have depression it’s the only thing that could make sense to me I can’t belibe this is what he really wants

  101. Lucy says:

    Thank you SO much. My boyfriend left me because depression was making him feel less in love. We both didn’t understand it, and that caused a couple of arguments. He says the doctor has told him he’s got better, but he’s either associating me with the sadness so much that he’s scared of getting back, or he just doesn’t want me anymore. What do you think I should do?

    • Jessica says:

      Lucy I can’t offer you any advice. Only that I just began going through something similar. My boyfriend, or ex boyfriend…don’t even want to put a name on it…just left me to focus on himself and his health. And how can I blame him right. He hasn’t gone to a professional that I know of. Before he left I begged him to go. I fear the same things. That once he’s better he won’t love me, wont want to come back. I feel just as lost, but it’s somewhat comforting to know I’m not alone in this

      • Lucy says:

        I’m sorry to hear that jess. I think you need to keep in touch with him, just to keep it friendly. It’s not your fault at all, he just feel like he needs to ‘escape’ (depression makes you feel like that), and he’s trying to do that by leaving. Really, this doesn’t help his situation, and you want him to stop thinking it does – that he’s ‘fine without you’… even though he would be even better WITH you. You could gently try and explain that you understand how he feels, but you’re worried about him understandably, as you’ve found out depression thrives in loneliness, and that you know how you could help. Be gentle, as he’s fragile. Say you can be there at his own pace, and if he starts getting annoyed, step back, as you don’t want to make it worse by building up tension. I know you want to up the time of recovery, but even when following these steps it is still slow, as I have found out. You’re doing the right thing by coming here. I wish you all the luck in the world xx 🙂

  102. Sheila says:

    It’s nice to read this and know I’m not crazy that I’m not just in denial making up excuses to what I want to believe but it’s still so hard. I’ve been on this bipolar coaster w my boy for over four years now and I wish I could just get off of it and go on with my life. I could’ve taken the easy way out any time and been w any number of guys that would actually love me but for some reason my heart just can’t let him go even if he’s shown me time and time again that he can just throw me away any time. And now he’s shown me that while I can’t even handle another man being too nice to me or the thought of being w someone else, he can just move on b w some other girl and give up on me and our daughter. Over the four years he has gone off and on medication and anytime he goes off some little thing sets him off and he runs away, says he needs to fix himself, and Ive always been supportive and made sure he knew I understood and was here for him. This last time I told him that i wanted him to actually finish fixing himself before he comes back to me. Decide what he wants to do w his life and who he wants to b and what’s important instead of just running back to me as a reaction to his parents pissing him off or something like that. Instead of finding himself he found another girl to distract him to be his salvation and place to run away to (she lives in a different state). It’s seriously killing me not knowing where he is or if he’s okay and he’s off his meds so it’s like there’s no possibility he will remember he loves us. That’s what happens, he gets in these moods and it’s like he forgets the great life we had that he has and he gets it in his head that I’m what’s keeping him from being happy when really the only time he’s ever been happy was when we were a family. I’m trying so hard to just live my life and not let it bother me. Whether he’s in it or not I have an amazing life but I’m having such a hard time just giving up on him.

    • Jasonm says:

      I was only with my ex for four months and didn’t know that she had this, I just figured she didn’t like me anymore, even if the day before she disappeared she told me how great I was to her and that she loved me. This was the end of November. About 3 weeks ago I was reading an unrelated thread and came across a simular article and I was just shocked as to how many symptoms she displayed including the weird things she said in a text that didn’t make any sense. Now I can’t even be angry or annoyed as I’ve read that it’s the illness talking and in answer to your question, apparently sometimes they blame they’re SO for everything and think that if they find someone else that will make all their problems go away, but always realise how much it wasn’t that and always regret the decision to lose you very quickly, Well that’s only what I read I hope that might give you hope, although I think you could still find happiness in the future because your a great and strong woman. PS now that I’m not angry I would like to see her again. Maybe she will remember that I was a great guy for her even if it was short lived.

      • Louise says:

        Jasonm, I’ve just been through the same thing as you. It sounds to me like you got your girlfriend in a state of mania as I did my boyfriend. I was shocked but stupidly enamoured by his intense feelings for me, he professed love within a week, wanted to movie in, get marrried, start a family despite 3 children to 2 other woman, booked NYC after 3 weeks, bought a motorbike, spent thousands on clothing and cycling stuff for us, dinners in expensive restaurants and all of this when he was unemployed but told me he had redundancy money. It got to a point I told him to stop spending and he didn’t like that so I told him just stop spending on me then and didn’t like that either but I was concerned as he was struggling to find work and didn’t know how much redundancy money he had! It was a whirlwind relationship then the depression hit where he said if it wasn’t for the kids he’d kill himself. I’m sure he wasn’t cheating on me as spent ALL his time up until the last week with me. I also found out from a friend that 1.5 years ago he was using company credit card for counselling which they allowed but also to purchase over £1000 worth of alcohol in various bars (probably dating and trying to impress woman) and obv in a state of mania then too as not normal behaviour. He also had bad debt then and was forced to use bonus to repay and redundancy money paid off trust deed which he did tell me about. Another mania state was getting vasectomy reversed (a lot of money) after 2 months with someone to start a family and a year after she was born he left. They are not good with money or relationships. I am so glad I found out quickly what I was in for. Bullet dodged.

        • Martha says:

          Same here, everyone. Mine was a long-distance relationship, 5 months. We saw each other for one week, and were about to meet right about now (had plane tickets, hotel, everything), but he ended things about 2 weeks ago because he was depressed (he had some health issues, that’s true) and everything “just seemed impossible.” I think I met him in a manic state. We started writing to each other, and it was very intense. Then we talked and Skyped, and it was even more so. He professed love very quickly, said I was “the one,” “I was the real thing,” even before meeting in person. He was totally confident we would make things work. He even introduced me to his friends over Skype, and got us invited to their place in the summer. And when I went to see him, he planned this over-the-top birthday celebration for me, amazing gifts, romantic dinner, everything very expensive, etc. He even said to be close, we should probably get married.

          And then… some bad health news (but not fatal) and he started avoiding me. Within a week he broke up because he was depressed, isolated, felt anxious, and just couldnt’ handle things. I think it’s very traumatic for those of us on the receving end.

          • lostartist says:

            hi. i’m curious what happened to your story?
            I’m the same, perfect guy, short lived, we really were that good that people started telling him I’ve been the best one in 5 yrs. he has a health scare too. He just broke up with me a few days ago, saying “he can’t see anything developing into anything substantial” and before his depression he was the one consistently telling me that he sees me in his future.
            and days before he broke up with me, he texted me that his home, sad and missing me.

            I’m so crushed. I haven’t reached out for 3 days.

  103. Chiara says:

    Thanks for this article it describes exactly my current situation. My partner of 20 years is shutting down completely, even ask me to leave house during emotional outbursts.
    I tried to go to several therapists. After following the suggestions of a very expesive psychiatrist. ….that suggested to act normal and going on with my life..i had to call 911 because he got super upset with me and started throwing my things outside the house. So, I changed therapist! !
    i even got an apartment, but i cannot make myself leaving him completely. We have 2 dogs that I love , the dogs love each other One is his dog , but I am his mommy…
    because of is depression he doesn’t take care of her very much. He doesn’t pet her or take for walks ..so I am still doing that..
    I don’t know if he sees the struggle that I am going through..he is in denial about his depression and blames everything on me ( but he cannot specify what i did wrong..)
    Cannot leave..

  104. Tracey says:

    Hi, I am so glad I came across this forum. I am in a really difficult situation and I don’t know what to do.

    I was only with my ex for 6 months but we fell for each other very quickly, and I was his first relationship since his second marriage failed 2.5 years before (by the age of 40).

    He was the most loving and attentive boyfriend I ever had … even on the day he broke up with me, so to say it was a shock is an understatement … none of it made sense and I’ve spent 3 months going through everything … and the penny finally dropped … I think he’s suffering with depression!

    There are lots of signs, he has said various times that his head is always a mess, that he is a negative person and he struggles with confidence, emotions and feelings. As these were said at various times throughout the 6 months I didn’t think anything of it.

    Then came the breakup. He was really upset saying he was throwing away something amazing, but I deserved better than him. He said it was such a tough but he had to put me first. We saw each other a few days later and he just kept saying that he didn’t know if he has made the right decision but he had to be for my sake and he couldn’t risk hurting me again.

    He said he’ll never get over how much he hurt me and family.

    Like you said, I wish he had of cheated so I could away but his reasoning made it really hard for me to accept as he clearly cared and his actions and feelings didn’t seem to tally.

    We split 3 months ago and had contact for the few weeks, but then he cut contact. He didn’t reply to messages but after about 1.5 months did reply saying we had to cut contact so we didn’t drag it out for either of us. We eventually had a call and spent an hour where I was trying to get him to see me. He was indecisive but eventually said no as he couldn’t risk hurting me again.

    None of it made sense, then this morning it finally came to me. I think he suffering with depression after 2 failed marriages and he doesn’t want to hurt me.

    The issue I’ve got is he may not know this or if he does he hasn’t admitted to me. I really want to contact him and ask him if he thinks he may be suffering with depression, but I don’t want to come across as insensitive. If he is I want him to know I’m there for him.

    Help. I would really appreciate some advise

    • S says:

      Hi Tracey,
      I similarly didn’t recognize signs of depression until after my ex broke up with me. At the time it was shocking since we never fought, and he still was attentive even to the last day. I never knew much about depression so it took me time to put the pieces together. It’s been 4 months now and I sent him an email last week just to let him know I realize it’s depression even though he hid it from me and that I hope he is getting help. There was no response which I kind of expected but it felt good to say it to him because he needs to realize that it’s been so painful for me and that I care. I’m not reaching out again though since he is ignoring me. It’s really hard but I don’t deserve that. I know he is doing what he feels is best for me. But it’s so sad.

  105. Kaan says:

    We lasted for 3.4 years. A week ago, he broke up with me. Before that, he asked for space.. twice in two weeks. He felt lost. And sorry for trying again to work our relationship. He didnt want me hurting. He was carrying my burdens as well that he hurts more than I hurt for myself.. Im lost as well and I dont know what to do. He is most likely depressed. Everything was going well until he asked for space. I’ve had my faults. And we never saw the future without each other. What do i do? I want to help him.

  106. Marsha says:

    Hey ladies and gents,

    Hard to read all you guys story, especially those that are still going through it or those who went months without a word. This is my second stint with my bf going through a withdrawal. Each time he leaves my house and goes back to his parents during those stints all he does is work and sleep nothing else. On weekends sleeps all day.. I knew he was struggling with depression but it wasn’t until today that I realized the depth. The first time it lasted a month, we did still talk but it was very difficult as I felt abandoned it was a lot of just have a good day and sorry I slept all night. When talking about how I felt all I got was I’m going through a hard time and brushed aside and he would just sleep. I see now that it was the depression taking over. In the end he apologized for what he put me through and explained how he closed himself off from the world and was in a severe depression. He promised to never let me go through anything alone. Now comes stunt two.. this time it’s a bit different.. we were fighting for a few days and he decided he had enough and left.. and that ended up bringing him into a depression.. we would still talk but he was very distant and cold. If I said I loved him he would never said it back and that hurt a lot. Was very cold answers. We still talk but anything I let out my anger or sadness he stays silent. I had seen him one day this week and things went alright I saw a light at the end of the tunnel but then he was suppose to come again and he always was too tired at end of the day so he went home and slept. It wasn’t till today that I googled depression and realized how unaware they are at what they are doing. I am feeling diff about the way I see things now. I’m very glad I found this site and I’m not alone in this. My boyfriend just wants time right now to be independent he says. I know the love of my life is still there but just lost a bit. I apologized to him for pushing him and I’ll try to remain as strong as I can be. We were each other’s everything and told each other we’d never let each other go so ta hard hearing those words and seeing this other person who’s taken over. Thanks for hearing me out

    • Annon says:

      Hey, I have just come across this comment and was wondering how things ended up for you? It sounds very similar to a situation I am going through at the moment. Thanks in advance

  107. Ldd says:

    HeLP!!!!
    I met my boyfriend through a mutual friend, however we live in small town and have known each other for a long time. My entire family knows him as well. Anyway he has battled depression all his life. When we started talking he was going through a very painful breakup with his girlfriend. We talked as friends for several months. Then after his break up was completely over (as they were on and off again for a couple months) he contacted me and wanted to talk. He was working through his depression (without treatment) we started dating and everything was great. He has always been open with me about his depression. He would have good days and really bad days. The depression was always there. Ibwas trying hard to understand and be supportive. He has always said that I am the best thing that has ever came into his life and that I have been the only one that he trusts and that I am the only one that truly understands what he is going through. I have endured his moments of withdrawal. However at first I took them personally and would immediately ask him or assume that he just didn’t want to be with me anymore. When undid this he would withdrawal even more but usually a day later we would end up talking and continuing the relationship. He has never told me that he loves me but he has told me he wants to be the last guy in my life and me be the last in his. He also has admitted that he is scares to get attached because he doesnt think he can handle another failed relationship. He says he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He is very much an introvert to begin with. His depression has got worse and about 2 months ago he ask me to goto the Dr with him to get some medication. He has been on med for about 4 weeks. Recently we went in a trip for the weekend. His depression came back full force on the drive home. He barely talked (text) me for an entire week. Just kept saying he wasn’t feeling good. Of course I felt he was just not wanting me anymore so I asked and he was unable to answer. Said it was his mood swings and that if I say with him I’m going to keep getting hurt. That he can’t change, that he hates it and that he just doesn’t want to talk to people, he says that I’m to good of a person to deal with his crap. This hurt me because I love him so much. I waited to reach out to him (Just a few day) I told him I was thinking about him and he did respond with a thanks and he was trying to get through each day. I just don’t know what to do. I want to help him because he is amazing and I love him. Can someone please help me with some advice. At times I feel like maybe I was just a saving grace that got him over his break up but then other times I feel what we had was very genuoion. Is it his depression or should I just give up? Please some advice

  108. John J says:

    This is a very good article and i want to see if anyone has any advise…
    My partner for 2.5 years has ptsd and depression.Everything was great both of us, never had any real problems never even really had an argument. One day i woke up to a text from her saying good morning handsome how did you sleep followed he by i love you so much . a couple texts later she had wrote she wanted to hang out with co-workers, which isnt the problem ,the problem is they are all guys and all thy do is drink in bars or at peoples homes. i proceeded to tell her that would make me a little uncomfortable and she replies with it wasnt a big deal , the next text is what left me speechless.
    she said i cant do this anymore . i asked her why she tells me
    i remind her of her ex boyfriend who was controlling and he did alot of bad things to her .i reply with what do you mean i have never controlled you , never told you not to do something i just said i wasnt comfortable with that.then boom no texts ,wouldnt respond to my texts or calls what so ever,so i told her if thats how she felt i would pack her things ,she finally texts back with ill be there tomorrow. she came to get them and of course i tried to talk to her , telling her if she felt that strongly about it than as long as she was faithful i wouldnt have a problem. gave her 2 dozen roses,told her i didnt want to loose her and i was sorry , she wouldnt respond and left. the day after i text her and she tells me again i was controlling and reminded her of her ex and now she tells me shes scared of me .. people im mind blown i have never even raised my voice to this woman or gave her any reason for her to think anything like that . now im crushed i dont understand so i try to ask her what happened she responds with i just wasnt happy . now any other situation i would of brushed this off but considering everything was great in every department and the night before she told me she wanted to marry me ,reassured me everyday she was really happy . so now im confused ,i ask her how that could possibly be ? she tells me i was controlling again now i feel like there something else or someone else so i ask her is there someone else multiple times in the next couple days. mind you shes not that type of woman she swears up and down theres not . i told her if there is she can tell me and i will have at least some closure , again promises me there isnt and hasnt been anyone else. i pleaded with her to not give up . she told me to move on and that she didnt want me to wait around for her . so i started researching ptsd more because i figured me telling her i wasnt comfortable with her going out with all guys must of triggered something in her head . even wrote her texts and emails only to get 1 word or 1 sentance responses . so i finally called her and asked her to talk . i asked her if i was really controlling (and i knew in my mind i couldnt possibly be) she admits to tell me i wasnt . but she just wasnt ready to settle down . now im shocked again because she was the one who just told me the night prior she loved me and couldnt picture her life without me and asked me to marry her . i get off the phone, text her asking her if theres any way this could be rekindled . she responds with i said you were controlling for a reason . lol now im even more confused the next day .i texted her asking how she was doing she says good how are you like nothing even happened , shows me a picture of a tattoo she got with her co workers then nothing wont respond to me . i write her a 6 page email that had all the good times we had,everything i did for her and tryed to debunk everything followed by some articles of similar situations with ptsd and depression.even told her it was a nice tattoo followed by we can work this out you didnt have to break up over this you brushed it off like it was no big deal , i give them to her . i text her an hour later pouring my heart out once again . i told her i guess ill leave you alone if thats what you really want . she responds with i never said you didnt take care of me ,im so confused now because mind you this was a 6 page email. i havent yet responded because im under the impression she wants me to leave her alone, but at the same time torn because there are thousands of situations down to a t exactly like mine and its all pointing to ptsd .and how something so small can trigger someones ptsd , which i believe was triggered in that last breif conversation of her going out with co workers. its been 9 days scince i seen her and 2 scince we talked im not sure on what to do next?mind you our relationship was absolutly perfect with no problems.what do i do next ?

  109. RH says:

    I know this comment seems so repetitive but it really is relieving to know that other people have seen what I’m going through now and that I’m really not going through this alone.

    My partner of 2.5 years recently just left me, we’re calling it a break for now but I really don’t know if this is going to be just like any other break. I should have recognized from the start, the signs and symptoms for her depression and anxiety and only a couple months back did we start guessing that maybe is clinically depressed. I’ve been trying to hold on, be as supportive as I can and get her the help she needs, but the local therapist is backed up all the way until late November and she hasn’t been diagnosed or anything yet. I’m sure its depression/anxiety, from the thoughts she has been admitting to me and telling me how she feels, and at the same time she’s been struggling with a lot of personal life issues that makes her feel like she’s not good enough.

    It’s amazing, how the highs of a dating someone with a mental illness can be so amazing, and how it can crash all in a second. We literally went from an amazing night out, with dinner, talks, and snuggles at home to getting into a stupid bickering about directions that changes everything. Looking back I just wish that I could have been better, listened to her more intently and maybe just said less, but it’s so hard when you don’t know how they’ll react to anything. Wherever we go from here, I just hope that she is happy, and is doing okay however many years from now people are reading this. Who knows, maybe I’m just that crazy ex and maybe she isn’t actually depressed and that I was just a shitty boyfriend. It’s hard for me to see it that way considering how happy we are when we are happy, and how confident I am in our relationship and how she responds when we talked about it and stuff like that. We’ve had our ups and downs sure, but who knows. For her to all of a sudden tell me that she doesn’t love me anymore, and doesn’t want to bring me down with her is just shocking to me. At this point I’m just ranting in circles.

    Thank you for such an article and thank you for providing a forum for people who have shared this experience to convene.

  110. S says:

    This is the most insightful article I’ve read. It describes exactly what I just went through and my response to it and also how it was received. Yess, my efforts were read as “wanting something” and “making it all about me.” It hurts to see someone you love in so much pain. And it hurts even more when they drive you away.

  111. Ryan says:

    My partner ended our 7 month relationship yesterday and I am heartbroken. Everything was amazing up until 4.5 months into the relationship and she suddenly became very depressed. I have never dealt with this level of clinical depression before and so read books to understand what to do, which I think helped me because I was supportive but stood back a bit more and stopped trying to ‘fix’ her. I learned not to take it personally. She kept telling me “it’s not personal”. So I believed her. But she was so disconnected from me and told me she felt this way about everything and not just me.

    We just had a week away in a lovely retreat for my 40th birthday and I thought things had taken a turn for the better. She was more ‘connected’ with me and seemed brighter. But the night before we were due to leave she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wasn’t sure if it was the depression, or not, and did not think it fair to carry on. She felt so guilty about how she was being was affecting me and she couldn’t promise to get better. Although she did give me the option to carry on because she wanted to see how she felt about me when she got better. But then added so many doubts, the main one being she felt she needed to be on her own to sort out her mental health.

    I feel like I have been tossed around like a rag doll. I’ve spent the last two months being ignored for days on end, then very little communication, then calls which were always short, no connection, but still she told me she wanted me to move to be with her and that she loved me so much and wanted to be with me. I feel like I’ve been pulled in with the most intense, amazing love I have ever known, only to be chewed up and spat out. Part of me hopes she will get better and rekindle the relationship, but the other part of me knows I can’t hope for that. I must let her go and I am so sad. I can’t be with someone who can do this to me, illness or not.

    Her depression is the worst thing I have ever encountered in a relationship. It’s devastating power to turn (what I thought was) the love of my life from a sweet, loving, connected person into a ‘ghost’ has been horrifying to witness and experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Now I’m left to deal with my broken heart and my dreams shattered.

    • bruce says:

      i am going through the same thing except we were engaged and been together for 4 years when i put the promise and engament ring on her finger it was for better or worse times yes i knew she depression but it was just maybe one or two days before this time it’s been 4 months i have given her space and been very patient with her but she says her feelings have changed for me more like friends and before this she was kind and loving person she has basically shut me out yes it hurts we sent texts back and force and i told her if felt like i was braking a promise to her to always be there for her in times like this she says she would better off alone i know depression is illness and that i am afraid that wants i leave her she will see it was a mistake and so i told her to really think about us and i would give her a week and i am going to my moms house over christmas for 2 days and see what happens and if she says we are done then i am moving out and yes if she ever needs i will be there for her she the only woman i want to spend the rest of my life with even after all the pain i been through

    • Andrea says:

      Wow I’m in the same exact situation right now with my boyfriend.. all I do is keep hanging on and he goes up and down and back and forth.. I took the words right out of my mouth I wouldn’t wish this on anyone

    • Kat says:

      I know how you feel. I’ve been going through the same thing for the past 2-3 months. I feel hopeless, she avoids me most of the time, we talk by text on a daily but sometimes feels like she doesnt care, she has said she had been trying to push me away thinking I’ll be happy elsewhere, I asked her to end things if she feels she will be happy without me and she hasnt. I’m trying to be supportive and emphasise the good things about her, that I love her and try to get her to spend a little bit of time with me. I hope we work things out and she gets better, I dont want to lose her.

      • Rose says:

        @Ryan, you said it perfectly: “Her depression is the worst thing I have ever encountered in a relationship. It’s devastating power to turn (what I thought was) the love of my life from a sweet, loving, connected person into a ‘ghost’ has been horrifying to witness and experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Now I’m left to deal with my broken heart and my dreams shattered.”

        I was with my boyfriend for two years and never knew that he suffered from depression. He broke up with me out of the blue and after a lot of talking and crying he admitted to me that he has struggled for a long time with depression and that he was in a very bad place. He told me he had thoughts of suicide and that I couldn’t fix him. He needed to fix himself. He said he needed some space and time and that he promised me he would go talk to someone. I was so confused because we were so in love and still seemed to be but he was pushing me away and I could not understand. I gave him space for about a month, I wrote him a letter but he never responded, and then we saw each other again. He cried and said it was good to see me and that I was beauitful, and that he didn’t know what else to say at the moment. He had he had gotten my letter and cried by himself. We laid in bed and held each other. He told me more about his depression than he ever had before, how it made him feel. He said he wanted me to know he was doing better, that I shouldn’t worry about him. He says he hasn’t been drinking much, but I have reason to believe that’s not true. I’m worried about him drinking and driving, as well as going back to abusing pills. We spent 2 days together and on the third he told me he couldn’t get better with me around, that I’d never understand what he was going through and that if I loved him I would leave him alone. For 2 days it was like nothing had ever happened, we were so happy again together. And then he just snapped, he got angry and would not have a reasonable conversation with me. I’m lost and confused. I know I need to accept that this is what he wants, but it’s just so confusing and hard to understand. I know I’m better off without him, but I love him. Hearing that other people have gone through on this forum makes it a little easier to deal with.

    • S says:

      I am going through something similar. It’s the worst thing that I have ever dealt with. I didn’t see the break up coming at all. He never said he was depressed; I realized it after the breakup. He has not contacted me. While we were together he was always in contact. I don’t understand it at all. I go back and forth between being angry with him for treating me like this and worrying and missing him. We were together 2 years. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had til now. But it’s so painful now that I have anxiety and almost wish it never happened. Can’t believe I’m saying that but reality hurts so much. It’s been 5 weeks now. We did so much together that the memories come flashing back wherever I go. It’s really horrible to trust someone so much and for them to push you away and act like you don’t exist. I trusted the relationship was good and he didn’t give me reason to think a breakup was coming.

  112. MH says:

    My boyfriend of over a year just broke up with me few days ago. He’s very stressed at the moment with 2 of his family members in really poor health. We were in a-month-long break with no communication before we actually broke up. When we broke up he told me that he was still in love with me, but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment, he feels tired and numb and hardly have any energy. I suffer from depression myself and I think he’s experiencing it for the first time. However he’s in denial about it and whatever I’ve tried in the last few days to make him find help just make him angry because he thinks I’m making it up because I care about him. He says he’s just in a rough patch and time and a good year will make him better.
    The thing is I don’t really care if we ever get back together, yes I love him, but I just want him to feel better, even if we are still not together afterwards, because I suffer from it for a long time now and I know how horrible it is, I’d never leave a friend in that state. I know he has to get better by himself, but he doesn’t even admit it! And I don’t ever intend to do the hard work for him, I just like him to know that I’m still supporting him and he doesn’t have to do it alone.
    I’ve been trying to text to ask how he is, and also to make him do the assessment tool hoping that when he sees the results he’d admit to it. Is this the right approach? Or should I listen to him and leave him some time?

  113. Tamsin says:

    I can’t tell you how good it is to not only read of other people struggling with this but also that so many of you are choosing to stick around. I am finding it hard to get support from others around me at the moment because everybody thinks I should cut contact and she is just keeping me as a back-up girlfriend.

    I have stayed very open with her that I am not going anywhere until she feels better because I believe we can work out us once she has worked on herself and she has responded mostly positively to this. But that’s the overall, the day to day is the hardest part. I feel quite hopeless and lonely really.

    • M says:

      Please respond. Did it work? Did she come back?

      I’ve lost years waiting but leaving seems so difficult too.

      M

      • lostartist says:

        Hi M, I’m not Tasmin but in the same situation. I met the most caring man and as soon as he fell into depression (health scare) he became a ghost. disconnected. I gave him space, sometimes we would just see each other 1 weekend in 2 weeks. he consistently said he sees me in his future, than stopped saying I love you to me when I say it. Disinterested in sex, or sometimes even physical contact, stopped bowling (his thing), ate 99% inside his room through uber eats. I was caring, undeniably supportive, understanding and patient. no one else knew what he was going through, he’s an orphan. after almost months of depression, he messaged me that he isn’t really happy anymore, that he doesn’t see anything substantial will develop. and just days before he texted me saying he is missing me. I am lost, my heart is absolutely crushed. we had so much love and positivity and respect for each other. and I don’t know who he is anymore. his words felt like a knife into my heart, and never expect that cruelty from him. he has always been considerate. he sees a meditation therapist but isn’t helping much. he also denies that his depression is giving him body pain, he feels his health is grave.

        I guess what I wanted to say to you, that even you are the most patient, loving person, that depressed person doesn’t see that. their depression makes them apathetic and mostly sees no future. It’s been 3 days since we broke up, I have not texted him again, nor has he. we only exchanged a few mssgs and no cursing or yelling but I know I sounded so pained. and i’m scared to admit he’ll never reach out to me ever again. and im the one with no energy to do anything. on that day he broke up with me, I drank a bottle of wine and smoked a pack of cigarettes (iv’e quit for a while now). I know people here say to take care of yourself, but it’s hard not to feel inadequate, unworthy and plain pos.

        I hope you are hanging on there.

  114. isabel says:

    My boyfriend/ex of seven years left me about a month ago I was confused and hurt, this whole entire time I didn’t realize all the signs of depression until he opened up to me and his mom a few days ago but now idk if I want to walk away or stay and help him because I read similar relationship situations like this and so far it didn’t end up not doing any good for any of them or maybe I don’t have hope it seemed like it ended up never working out and idk if I should just give up at this point or just stay and help him get through this:( I love the guy so much i mean should I really be walking away from this guy and not just any guy but my high school sweet heart and the guy who I swore i would spend my whole life with? I care about his mental health a lot I don’t mind being selfless but what if nothing ever changes within a year and I’m still here waiting for him.
    Idk if he’ll ever get out of this depression I feel like wants your in it its impossible to get out of it what do you guys think. Below there is a text message of him opening up
    ~~~~~~~THIS IS THE TEXT MESSAGE I RECEIVED FROM HIM OPENING UP ABOUT HIS DEPRESSION~~~~~~
    “I let you down. I let me down. But more importantly I let us down. I really don’t give a fuck what I say when I am drunk. I know it hurts all the same. I Love You and I know I will never find someone like you again. I tell you all this bullshit about compatibility and blah blah. I want you to move on from my dumbass. But the real reason we aren’t together, it’s become I’m very stressed out and depressed and exhausted. I obviously can make time to go out but it’s to drink my problems away. I push you away every time I’m stressed out. I don’t want my problems to be your problems. My pride is too big for me. I don’t want you to see my struggle because I feel like you hold me to such a high standard and I don’t wanna let you down. I don’t want you to see as less of a man. You’re the perfect girl for me but right now is not the time for me. I don’t want to neglect you so I push you out instead. I rather seem cold and push you out than for me to stay with you and pretend like I don’t care and treat you badly. But that’s the thing, I have no emotions anymore. I’ve become cold. I don’t know what being happy is anymore. You deserve to be happy and when you’re with me, there is no happiness. I don’t want to suck out the beauty in you by being so cold and mean. We may not be equal intellectually but I mean who is really? You’re so much more in integrity and character than I am. Do you throw that in my face? Not at all. So idk why I do it to you. I wish I could treat you like you treat me. I just wanna let you know, that although I don’t show it, I love you and care for you tremendously. I just haven’t been in a good spot for a while. I don’t see me getting any better soon. But you deserve the world, and I can’t even give you a peace of it. I’m sure you will read this, if you even get this, and say it’s all bullshit. But it’s not. You may even respond in a manner in which I won’t be happy with, but I know I deserve it.

    • Kat says:

      Alot of what he is saying in that text is what my girlfriend said to me. I hope I’m strong enough to weather the storm by her side. I give your boyfriend credit for opening up enough to explain why he has been the way he has with you. I can tell you love him, my opinion stick by him but dont forget to take care of yourself as well

  115. EH says:

    Thank you everyone for posting, it brings me a little relief to know I’m not alone in experiencing this grief and anguish.

    I’m sorry to admit that I almost wish he had been cruel, or cheated, or even said the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me”

    Instead it’s silence. A few texts a month ago but nothing since.

    I’ve pleaded for an explanation told him I was struggling and it was consuming, and still this once doting and loving man gave me nothing.

    I’m torn between the reality of his depression and anxiety and managing my expectations and own grief.

    I read that often times reaching out to them can worsen their depression as it makes them feel guilty. Is this true? I love him unconditionally, whether or not he is capable of showing or giving it in return. But the last thing I want to do is burden or hurt him worse. I only reach out every two weeks or so, usually a “think about you, hope you’re feeling better” text.

    Where does this love go? How should I cope? Should I leave him to his own vices? (I should mention he is actively pursuing help, huge issues with meds). And how do I let go without him feeling like I abandoned him (even though that’s precisely what he’s done to me)? Or should I hold on and be patient as I truly believe he’s the love of my life?

    Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Faith says:

      Hello EH, I am sorry you are going through this. I can understand what you mean when you say you almost wish he was cruel and abusive! It is hard when they give you nothing to go on. Does he respond to your messages in any way? Do you know how he is coping with the meds and if he is in therapy? They do communicate when they emerge out of the darkness but before there is not much you can do to make them talk to you. And as you said, if you push it, it will backfire. I truly hope things will improve soon… I am in a similar situation, hoping my (ex) boyfriend will take care of himself and get in touch with me. But he’s given me nothing to hope for…

      • EH says:

        Thank you Faith.

        Yes, it is very hard, but I think I am turning the corner of understanding or at least accepting this is what he is going thru.

        The last he mentioned his meds to me (about 2 months ago) he said they were helping but had him feeling completely unconnected and numb.

        He responded to a text 1.5 months ago, somewhat cheerful and starting a conversation, but nothing since. I have sent him maybe 6 texts and tried calling twice since.

        Its devastating and heartbreaking. And I am so sorry to hear you’re going thru the same thing. I have complete moments of anger– I hate him for doing this to me! How could he?! Does he not love me?! Then like a sea calming after a storm I become still and deeply sad that he’s going thru this, alone, pushing me away. I never let on that Im angry, I don’t want that to hinder his healing or make him feel guilty. Its so hard though.

        I read a quote and adapted it somewhat, I have used it as somewhat a mantra, it helps me. Maybe it can help you too: “If you love someone and they need to heal, you must love them well. Love them without condition, expectation or agenda.” And that’s what I am trying to do. I love him whether or not he is capable or willing to return my affection and feelings right now. And I will fight for him and pray for him from a distance if he needs to walk this path alone.

        In the end, I can only bring peace to myself not anyone else. I hope he finds his way soon and circles back… and I hope your’s does too.

        • Faith says:

          One and a half months…that’s a long time. I am so sorry. It’s been only 3 weeks since our last communication and I am already hopeless…! I don’t know how things are with you but I haven’t known him for a long time. Just five months counting the breaks too. The good days have been few but they were there and I can’t stop thinking about them. What you say about feeling angry then deeply sorry and sad… I am exactly the same. Sometimes I get angry with how he behaved (and I communicated this to him too) and then I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness for what he is going through and for how it makes me feel, and can there ever be an end in sight? I’ve said all I had to say to him to make him see his destructive pattern but can he see it? Will he see it? Will he respond?
          I know you said love with no condition but I am not sure this can be done. And noone has ever done it for me. I just don’t want to be in pain. My friends don’t get why I don’t give up and move on. They think I am delusional and naive.
          Sorry, this is not a great help to you, I am just ranting…

          • EH says:

            Faith– feel free to rant and rave! I feel like that is what this forum is perfect for… a support group of sorts for people struggling with the same thing. And I get friends not understanding. I have a mix bag. They all agree that it is awful, some are angry about it, some are sympathetic. Have you tried therapy for you? I have found it very beneficial in working thru my feelings of rejection.

            Rejection is one of THE WORST feelings. And even though I know that isn’t what is happening, it is certainly a symptom/result/feeling.

            My situation is similar and different. We were together a few years ago for a substantial amount of time. We were madly in love but were young and I had issues to work out. We circled back and things were going great. He was very open with me about his situation, therapy and plan of action. I thought “surely with a deep connection and love like this, we can make it through, I’ll be able to stand by him and support him.” It has proven more difficult than expected.

            At first, it was a few days without contact (a vast change from the through-out the day everyday). Then a week-10 days. Then it was 2weeks. Then 3…. Now 1.5 months. And it felt like in those sporadic contacts that it took everything in him to reach out. I think he simply doesn’t have it in him and is trying to, in some weird way, protect me from the pain. I wish he would just TELL me though. Give me SOMETHING.

            I have immersed myself in reading about depression/anxiety and how to love/support someone who is depressed. And they all say along the same line…. If it is to your emotional detriment, you have to let go. But if you can manage to reach out occasionally with words of encouragement/support, when they “come back” they will remember you were there- that part of the illness is feeling undeserving of love.

            I have resigned to doing this once every 3-4 weeks or so. And perhaps in time, he will circle back. Or maybe Ill let go. I don’t know…. I don’t want to let go. But in the end, I have to take care of me too.

            Google this blog…. It gave me some sort of understanding:
            “Why I push people away and what it means”— Soulsuffering a blog by soulblade

          • Faith says:

            Hi EH,
            It is amazing how many similarities one can find. You always think your situation is unique, it never is though! My ex broke up with me a couple of times saying he is not ready for a relationship, he does not know what he wants and who he is etc. And then he was reaching out again. It took me a while to realize this had to do with depression. The second time he did that we started seeing each other again without talking about a relationship but I could not take the uncertainty and I asked him to decide if he wants to be with me or not. He said he would try to deal with his feelings and think about it, and he finally said that yes, he wants to be with me. I was so happy, I felt it was some sort of victory or breakthrough. We were ok for a month, he did get unresponsive once a week maybe but he would tell me he did not feel well and would rather be on his own and I respected that. I left for a short trip and before I go, we went out for a long walk in the park. It was a beautiful day and we were both happy and relaxed, we had such a good time! I remember I was thinking that things may get better after all. He said we should meet as soon as I come back. And then I came back and he was not feeling well. This time it lasted for more than a week and I was worried and asked him to go to the doctor and discuss his medication. This is how I found out he had stopped taking it! I told him that was not a good idea but did not want to push him too much. After a week he said he wanted to break up because he felt he did not have as strong feelings for me as I had for him, and that he could not reach the stage to say I love you (I had not reached that stage either, by the way. We did not know each other that long so this sounded absurd to me). The funny thing is that during the week that led to the breakup we were in constant contact and I thought at least he is not shutting me out, we will fight through this.
            And now after two months of silence he reached out again sending a casual message. No acknowledgement of what had happened between us. I was angry and communicated this to him. But then I told him that he has to deal with the reason that drives him away every time before we are together again because it hurts too much and I cannot go through it again. I urged him too see the destructive pattern. No response to that. I don’t know what he is thinking. He might be dating other girls for all I know, and I am here, waiting and hoping. I don’t want to reach out again – I’ve said all I wanted to say – but I wish I knew what is going on. And I wish he felt enough about me to try and fight for us.

          • Faith says:

            just one more question: would it be a good idea to show them this site? I was thinking about it but I did not want to come across as preaching or condescending

    • Kelley says:

      I am so sorry you guys are going through this. It is a hurt like no other. I understand exactly what you’re saying wishing he had been cruel or something because atleast then it might make him leaving a little easier to stomach than just disappearing with no contact. My boyfriend left me almost 6 weeks ago and has blocked out every form of communication. I have only heard from his mom who said he gets like this when he feels like he’s not bringing in the money he should be. The day before he left us, he thru text in another room, said he was depressed after I asked what was wrong because I have never in a year and a half seen this side of him. I had no clue he was depressed, he acted normal, happy go lucky, laughing and goofing off with us. The day he got “depressed” that morning he was fine and actually went for a job interview and we knew he had the job. But then all of a sudden in a couple hours time he was depressed and would not speak to any of us. His mom said she has gone thru this with him before, that he was done and he was working on himself. I mean up until the day of he was telling me he loved me and making plans of things to do to our house and outside. I guess I love him so much that his mom telling me he’s done doesn’t really mean much, I guess I need to hear it from him. Im so lost and heartbroken and so are my children.

    • Tiens says:

      EH, I too told my ex I was struggling (which by the way is a huge understatement, I’m dying would be more accurate) and asked her to have mercy on me, could we just chat about lighthearted topics?.. no response. She has refused to talk to me for 2 months now. :'(

    • DH says:

      Hi EH,

      I was reading your messages was like someone was reading my mind. I usually just read articles and comments and never engage, but your story is so close to my heart. Did he ever contact you back?

      I have found myself in a very similar situation. I have not heard from him in a month and a half. I let him know that he is loved and I am there when he needs me. I am worried about him and I feel helpless for not being able to do anything about it. He doesn’t let me move on and at the same time he doesn’t let me be his support. I have done everything I could to show that I care. He has recently moved far away for a job. I flew there for a few days and he never replied or came to see me.

      Any advice?

  116. Alexandro says:

    Sorry about my English, am Brazilian I have a relationship with a girl that suffers of anxiety and panic, after 2 and half years she just dumped me without a real reason I’ve tried to talk and she has blocked me in all social media I love her so much and I really don’t know what to do, now it’s two months separation and am extremely sad with this situation she said so much bad things for me and I really need help to know what can I do….

  117. Dawn says:

    My partner of 5 years finished with me a few weeks ago. I’m completely convinced he has depression …. he was diagnosed about 3 years ago but refused treatment and said he would ‘ deal with it ‘. Thing’s have been mostly ok since then but I’ve seen a big decline in the last year. He works ridiculous hours and is finding it difficult to juggle his time and maintain a relationship. He has another doctor appointment next week but I’m not convinced he will accept treatment as he’s convinced he’s not depressed. His dad was sectioned when he was a child so i think he’s scared. I gave him space and it looked like we’re back on track and then today …. bang … here we go again. He says he shouldn’t be in a relationship and I’m better off without him. I’ve agreed to a trial separation to try and maintain contact as i want to support him and don’t want to lose him either. I’m so confused and feel like I’m on a rollercoaster … one minute we’re fine and he’s lovely … the next he doesn’t know what he wants so i seem to end up the casualty. Do I give him the space and just wait? Am I just kidding myself and giving him excuses? So confused but helps to read these posts and feel less alone in this situation. Feel like i don’t want him to throw us away when life gets tough but equally I can’t be a doormat. I don’t want to give up on him but I’m tired of not getting the emotional support i crave myself. Dawn

    • Bree says:

      Dawn , I am completely living the same situation as you. The only difference is we have been together for 13 years. I am at such a loss what to do. The roller coaster is exhausting. I don’t know if I should be continuing to try and love and support him through all of this even though he is pushing me away or stop being a doormat. So confused and hurt! I am exhausted and not sure how much more fight I have left in me. I have a ton going on in my life as well and I am getting zero support from him. I just don’t understand why they refuse help and would rather just walk away from a long-term relationship… It is so incredibly hurtful. Praying that we both get some resolution soon… Hugs!

      • Dawn says:

        Oh Bree …. sorry to hear you’re dealing with this too. You are not alone. I’m equally exhausted and change my mind regularly. Wish I could switch my brain off sometimes. I’m trying to maintain contact atm to support him and put my feelings to one side. In my head I’ve pretty much decided to try and keep things ticking over on a surface level for now to try and get him to get help. If he does that should hopefully improve our relationship …. If he doesn’t that’s a whole different game and I’m not sure if I can carry on without some emotion back from him. It’s so draining …. feel like I’m walking on eggshells checking every text before I dare send it. Hugs back. Hope we both work this out Xx

    • Cynthia says:

      Dawn, I’m reading through these posts because I – a depressed person – broke up with a partner who had wholeheartedly supported me and who loved me. In fact, throughout our ten-year relationship I left him three times, the last time for good. It’s irreparable, yet it still hurts. So I can understand your partner’s position more than yours I suppose. So I will try to explain to you what goes on. People who are that far off have difficulty with consistency. You think you’re on a roller coaster. But they are too, but they can’t really express it. They would love to have support but feel guilty when they realize they can’t really give and contribute their share to the relationship. If you were to say that you are willing to tolerate their depression, or that you have hope and patience that they will get better, they might feel comforted for a day …but the next day they will want to destroy that “mirror”. In other words, you’ve both acknowledged to each other that he is depressed. Yet for him it’s unbearable to be in a victim role of sorts. … He may yearn for anonymity, a space where he can more easily deny or forget that he has this problem. Furthermore, the notion that “there’s help out there” is a toughy. Is there really?? I don’t know where you live or how he’s insured – but getting an in-depth therapy is serious business and most of the cognitive-behavioral therapies out there are not much more than a pep talk, designed to get people to function. (And there we’re not talking about that whole issue with the meds.) Finding a good therapist is very difficult, affording therapy is extremely costly. You see? So, the fact of the matter is that you are fucked if you’re seriously depressed. Some people make it, and some don’t.

      As for the advice I have for you – be mindful of yourself and of your limits, and know when and if to draw the line. If you stay, know that he may leave you, but he may not. It’s almost like adopting a child who’s been traumatized before. The adoptive parents know they have to make huge emotional investments, knowing that the child may nonetheless never make it, or even choose them as a target. So I suppose you would have to stay for the love of him, for altruistic reasons. But ultimately he will have to heal himself, and very often that is easier to do alone, when single.

      If it’s any consolation: I’m still grateful for what my ex-partner gave to me, although we’re no longer together. So, love continues beyond breakups.

      All the best to you!

      • Ryan says:

        Hi Cynthia, I read your post and found it interesting to read ‘the other side’. I already knew things, like she felt very guilty about how she was being made me feel, because over the 10 weeks I had been very upset, although I had felt like I was dealing with it a lot better, not taking it personally and getting on with it, accepting the level at which she was able to communicate and be affectionate towards me. In fact, the last week we spent together was the best in weeks and weeks which is why it hit me so hard at the end of it when she decided she could no longer carry on.

        What I am wondering is what to do now. In the 5 days since we last saw each other she has contacted me every day. I expect she feels guilty and wants to know I am ok. But she has also sent me messages about she is confused and thinks about me all the time. I have told her we should have no contact, which was actual sheer torture for me to say, but it was after this she told me about her confusion and missing me. On the one hand, she has told me she “thinks” she is no longer in love with me so I tell myself I must let go, cut off contact, be strong and move on and accept it. On the other hand, she has told me things to pull me back a bit and because I am so in love with her I am finding it extremely hard to let go. I know it has only been 5 days but still. I am worried about her. We live 170 miles apart. It’s not like I can pop round and see how she is. Will my complete lack of contact send her lower, I wonder. Should I offer help and friendship? I really don’t know what to do. All I do know is that I am finding the breakup sheer torture and I miss her so much. But I have to remember what she told me and let it go, right?

        A bit more background about her – before this happened 10 weeks ago I would have described my feelings like love “heroin”. Not wanting to use such an evil and destructive drug to describe it but it’s all I could liken it to, the feelings were so powerful and I had never experienced those before. She is able to carry on her job, even though she says she no longer wants to do it. She is also able to live on her own and look after herself. So she is not completely incapacitated by it, although she has talked about it being so bad she would like some time in hospital. We like in the UK and have the NHS but waiting for therapy would take a while and she says she has tried it all before anyway. Also, she has depressive episodes and is not atall like this all the time.

        • Faith says:

          I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with depression: find the right dosage, find the right therapist and have the strength and will power to stick with it and see it through. But if you just remain stuck to how difficult all this is, doesn’t this mean that you give up any chance of improvement? That you admit defeat? That you deny yourself any chance of future happiness with people that truly love you and care about you? If I realized that I had a chance at true love I would do anything in my power not to lose it. That should be the bottom line.

        • Matt says:

          Hi Ryan,

          I’m in a very similar situation to you. My now ex girlfriend (28) has become depressed for a variety of valid reasons relating to a previous divorce, massive change in lifestyle (moved back from Australia to the UK where she has had to live with her parents for a year) and money troubles.

          We were together for a year. We made each other extraordinarily happy and were really strong. I’ve even become her nephews’s godfather.

          In recent months, she’d started struggling. Particularly when I wasn’t around as much when working away. She felt like a burden, a disappointment and like she wasn’t able to be happy on her own. She’d become distant and irritable at times but exceedingly happy at others.

          Long story short, she ended the relationship 6 days ago as she needs to work through this alone and needs to respect herself and be happy in her own skin and she doesn’t feel fit for a relationship.

          I’ve tried to be understanding, supportive from afar and reassuring her that she’s stronger than she thinks. She’s text me every day since the break and has told me every day that she loves me. Yesterday she told me she’s been dreaming about me, woke up very sad when she realised I wasn’t there and missed me. She’s told me on a number of occasions that she hopes this isn’t the end of her and I.

          I’m finding this all very confusing. I want nothing more than to work with her to help her heal and restart the relationship later down the line. But I know she needs space. I’ve not initiated any of the contact, aside from texting to say ‘good luck’ ahead of her seeing a private counsellor. With the other conversations, I’ve tried not to carry them on as best I can.

          I don’t know what to do. For my own health, I need to know if her messages are sincere and genuine or just providing her comfort and she thinks she’s being ‘kind’ to me by saying it.

          I know that me asking anything along those lines risks pushing her away and adding extra pressure onto already troubled shoulders. The other option is to tell her that I can’t do the causal contact and messages of love, but I’ll always be here for her in her hour of need… but I know that could also have the same consequence.

          Ultimately, I love her more than anything. She’s my best friend and love of my life. I want her back, but what’s more important for me is to see her happy and healthy and I accept that may now be without me in her life.

          @Ryan, have you been able to make any progress in your situation?

  118. Jen says:

    I don’t know that my husband is depressed. He’s never been diagnosed officially, but much of what I’ve read on this site, is so familiar especially the anger. He started anger management & individual counseling a little more than a year ago but has been inconsistent at best. A month and a half ago, he did leave. After a small argument, a cancelled trip he was looking forward to (my fault, he says), I came home from work and he said he wanted a divorce because he was miserable and I made him miserable. We didn’t have a perfect relationship, definitely had issues like a really poor sex life, he said I was controlling, and the list goes on and on. I can cop to some of these issues definitely, but he is changing history to justify his anger and leaving. He has said that we’ve tried by going to counseling and that I never made any changes. The truth is we went to marriage counseling at most twice about 8 years ago. He filed for divorce less than 2 weeks after he left, he’s cut off my son (his stepson), my brother (his friend) from his life. Now if the anger was only directed at me and these were the only issues I saw in his life, then of course I would question my perspective, but that’s not the case.
    His mother passed away in ’09. He wasn’t a momma’s boy per se, but she was just such a good woman, she left such a hole in his life. His parents were still married when his mother got sick and their relationship wasn’t perfect but wasn’t horrible either. His father was in Vietnam and suffered from PTSD, was disengaged as a parent and his mother took up the slack. My husband lacked validation and a relationship with his father that seeped from his pores. It is so apparent to everyone. When my MIL became sick, my FIL abandoned her emotionally. She was in in-home hospice and his father took every opportunity to leave the home for errands or whatever so he didn’t have to face the situation. That angered my husband to no end.
    Fast forward 7 years , my husband and his father’s relationship deteriorated so badly that after my husband went to therapy he tried setting up boundaries to protect himself and cut his father out of his life. It lasted about 4-5 months, until my FIL randomly came to our house. I could see something wasn’t quite right that day and previously my SIL and husband had noticed some odd behaviors. They got him to see a doctor and at the beginning of 2017 he was diagnosed with dementia. He says he’s let the past go because he knows his father doesn’t have the capability to deal with their issues. The way he treats his father at times, you know that’s not the case. It’s almost as if his father isn’t sick with the lack of empathy my husband gives to my FIL’s behaviors. Through all of this, my SIL and my husband were constantly in conflict over my FIL’s care. He would call her to yell and scream at her. Then at some point, he might feel guilty and apologize or sweep it under the rug until the next blow up.
    Throughout our marriage, his anger/blow ups have always been an issue. I often would tell him he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. So nice one minute and the next raging mad. He’s had many other family members tell him about his anger, which he either justifies or just doesn’t see.
    Often, I couldn’t wait to come home and see him, only to be let down as he walked in the door with a look of rage on his face – work, frustration at work, or whatever. Now with him leaving, this is all my fault, issues that have gone on a long time and I should have known. He never told me he was miserable. He never said he wasn’t happy and was considering leaving. Had I known, I would have taken steps to work on those issues. I would not have disregarded his feelings. As far as he’s concerned, I am the problem and he needs to get me out so he can be happy. He has a history of running away to avoid problems, but his lack of caring is shocking and not just to me – to all that know him. He is detached and is going full steam ahead with this divorce. I worry about him and with his erratic, angry behavior, I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do. I’m lost.

    • Tammy says:

      I learned stop communicating with my husband when he leaves. I leave him alone and let him sit in his own thoughts.

      • Dawn says:

        Do you find this works? My partner is saying he needs space and time alone to work out what he wants. He has a well man check up next week so I’m desperately hoping he accepts he needs some help. He needs to hear it from someone other than me. Do you find backing off helps? Does he come back to you? Tia x

    • Rachel says:

      Hey, I just wanted to say that I have been experiencing the same issue. I had no idea my husband was unhappy and wanted to leave until I got a random text from him saying he was done and can’t do this anymore. His family and me have come to the conclusion that he is depression, especially with his job situation, and that he needs help but doesn’t realize it. He thinks everything else is the problem like me or his job but really it’s him. He took away all our wedding photos off social media and doesn’t talk to me unless I message him. He’s acting so Cold and distant which is not how he is at all. It’s been over 3 weeks now and it’s been the hardest time. I don’t know when or if he will ever come back. The only thing keeping my head above the water is reading these blogs and realizing I am not alone and that there is hope for our marriage. He hasn’t officially claimed for divorce but he talks about how he doesn’t want to make this work. It’s all so hurtful. I feel like in a matter of time he will change again and come around but until than here I am.

  119. AL says:

    It’s all very sad but life does eventually go on, some normality returns, you find new strength.
    My wife of 22 years turned our world inside out for me and our 3 adult children, late teens to early twenties. 2.5 years ago. Another man (internet!) Arrives 3 weeks before, ex wife on secret calls, suddenly on a normal Sunday she breaks down, announces divorce, accuses me of control, abuse and being a terrible husband. Not perfect but none of the above. Three weeks later disappears and finally contacts children she is living 300 miles away. Now know she is depressed, suicidal ideation, Ptsd diagnosis.
    Kids all left behind, all leaned hard on me and still are really, I fell apart For six months, just held onto job, Just! And somehow kept getting up, going to work, stayed strong and kept going.
    2.5 years on, still confused, hurt, no real understanding, children miss her terribly, maybe see her once or twice a year they travel. Eventually for self respect I divorced her, no contact at all.
    So the truth, it happens, no proper explanation or closure or understanding. I just get up and get on. My children need me, they need to see a strong parent, a reliable one, they need help with first employment, bills, cars, boyfriends and much more so that’s what you do…!
    It’s a cold shower of a thing! It’s not fair, it stings and it hurts but that is mental illness.
    Now as much as I miss times past, nostalgia bites sometimes I am pragmatic. I have three wonderf kids, I had a for the most part happy marriage and a good life and sadly it ended. I accept it, I accept no proper closure and I accept moving on and everyday, it gets easier. Good luck all. Be strong… it will be ok 🙂 Al

  120. Sylvia says:

    Hello
    I have been in a bad situation since 2012 to 2017. I met my partner 2012 we fell in love in Aug 2012. Everything was great but he wasn’t happen with his job as he moved to another state to be with me. He told me he was leaving and the night before I was crying and pleaded for him not to leave but the next morning, he said I am leaving and he packed his gear and drove off. After 10 days he got back in contact and said how much he loves and misses me and came back. We were happy until Aug 2014. He never tells me what is going on in his head and I cant communicate with him as he shuts me out. Everything was fine and next minute he snapped but this time the second time while I was at work, he packed his gear and I came home sensing something wasn’t right and opened the garage door and everything was gone. He packed up and left while I was at work behind my back. After 2 months he returned he missed me and loved me and wanted to be back together again. Again everything happy but then 9 months later and there is a pattern he gets a job saves as much money as he can and then 2 weeks prior to leaving he then starts to distance himself from me and I can feel something is right but he never lets on. He left in May 15 to another state. After 3 months I went to visit him for a holiday and we had a lovely time together. It was loving and happy. After 7 months he returned to me again. He was getting lots of work and everything again seemed happy and then in Aug of 16 I found he had packed his suitcase the day before he was to sneek out of the house and he said yes I am leaving. I was crying and pleaded for him to stay. But as usual he left and after a week I miss you but this time I had to give him money to get back as he was 4 days drive away in another state. He paid the money back and admitted he had deep mental issues and depression. I said I will only take you back if you get help and make a committment to me as it is like a yoyo relationship. He returned after 12days a short stay and he seemed happy very very settled helping my mother and taking her to the doctor whilst I was working and then he got a job that he enjoyed started a hobby and life seemed great. Two weeks ago again the pattern started, he started to distance himself from me and I could sense something. I did say everytime you earn alot of money I get nervous as I feel you are saving it for your next move. He said we have been through this before and I’m staying. But last week only 6 days ago I was at work, returned home pushed the remote button of my remote garage and had cleared out. I was in total shock. This is 5 times in 5 years. I am a total emotional wreck. He sent me a text later that evening to say I only made this decision to move this morning but I could feel that morning that he was very cold towards me. So now he is gone and I feel abandoned and in shock once again. What do I do? So sad.

    • Cynthia says:

      Hi Sylvia,

      I’m rummaging through this forum as someone who is depressed and who has been the “perpetrator” in terms of leaving a partner who has been extremely patient and understanding with me. I was with a man for nearly 10 years and in total I left him three times, the last time for good. I’m still trying to process it all, since I feel like I’ve wrecked two lives, and often I do regret it. … I can’t speak for your partner or for all people who are depressed, but, by and large, depressed people feel extremely ashamed by their alienation. That shame is often easier to handle alone than in a partnership. We don’t want a mirror. Likewise: like cutters, depressed people often find that wrecking things (including relationships) is the only thing that makes them feel alive. Further, “getting help” is easier said than done. There are tons of therapists out there, but only very few are good. Most therapies, such as cognitive therapy, are way too superficial to get to the root of things. And often more intensive long-term therapies or programs are unaffordable. So, I haven’t solved anyone’s problems, sorry to say, but I hope I helped you understand where your partner may be coming from. Perhaps you will have to say goodbye to him, internally, and be thankful for what you had. All the best to you, and him!

      • Maria says:

        I know its a while ago, but thanks for sharing this — it really helps to have your insight and perspective. It’s hard to know what to believe coming from a partner who may be holding things back to save you the pain.

        • lostartist says:

          hi maria, i also just found this forum. my wonderful bf broke up with me 3 days ago. he has suffered depression in the past and when i met him he was doing great. he got sick with a month long cough and that’s when he fell back into depression. our realtionship was short lived unlike the stories here but nonetheless we were in love and his “brother” (orphan brother) reached out to me thanking me for making him happy as he has never heard him be in 5 yrs. he consistently told me that he sees me in his future, just days before he broke up with me he said he is home, sad and missing me. we were supposed to meet up last memorial sunday and he texted me that he isn’t feeling “this” anymore, that he doesn’t see anything substantial will develop. I was gutted. my heart is broken now. i was patient, gave him space, yet he broke up with me. i’m dealing with this now, i don’t have energy to do anything. i haven’t reached out nor he, for 3 days and i’m scared he never will. he was never a do over guy. 🙁

    • Tammy says:

      Mine is on his 11th move out in 27 years. I made a time line of the times he leaves and they seem to be the same time of year. It’s the same story; loving man, then one day it switches and they are some other person, then he leaves. I’m in month 5 of him being gone. I don’t know what to tell you, it’s a disease and until they recognize they are ill, I supposed it will continue.

      • Tamsin says:

        That’s a tough time for you. Can I ask how you cope? I am very conscious that if my gf comes back that this may well become something that happens again. I think first go round is when I need to learn to cope for myself but also her.

  121. Lesley says:

    So glad I found this website it’s great to suddenly not feel so alone and confused. My wife and I have been married two years last month. She left last year for a couple of months claiming to not love me anymore long story short she came back and realised she had mental health problems so she started the process of getting help. She was diagnosed with bi polar and borderline schizophrenia, she started therapy and everything was going well we were so in love up until a month ago when she started been distant and cold I couldn’t do right for doing wrong. Our wedding anniversary came and she choose that day to move out taking all her pocessions with her, it’s now been 3 week or so since she left and all we’ve done is argue and she seems set on making me hurt in ways I didn’t know were possible. I know deep down she loves me I know her inside out I just don’t know how I can reach her this time she seems too far gone

  122. Alexandra says:

    You guys are all talking about husbands/wives, BFs and GFs. But HOW did you all manage to build the relationships with depressed people? Help me with that!
    I’ve met a wonderful man, it was him who was moving our relationship forward, and seemed really caring and loving. I fell in love. We were in a “getting to know each other” mode for 5 weeks, when he officially called me out for a date.
    We kissed before that, but didn’t have sex. We both felt we didn’t want to rush things further yet. He told me that he has a chronic depression, and told me that he had pushed away 2 women after some promising dating. He explained that he was in a very bad spot at that time, but now he’s way better, and ready for the relationship and new chapter of his life…
    He called me out for a date. In the middle of the date I felt his withdrawal, as if it all was an unbearable effort for him. We had brief sex that was the opposite of what I expected, after 5 weeks of getting closer to each other and wanting each other badly. The sex was as if it was a chore that he couldn’t wait to be done. Quick and almost emotionless. The morning after was the same. Since that he started slowly but significantly withdrawing. I suffered, I realized that something has changed dramatically and I cannot do anything about it. I gave him space, I didn’t torture him with questions, I simply waited and, when he rarely contacted me, tried to be friendly and show him that I’m there, that I care for him… However, he asked me to put it all on pause. He said that he’s not in a right place to start a relationship right now. I said we could do that and pretend we didn’t move things forward, and just stay close to each other but without the pressure of moving anything forward. So, I agreed to put us on hold. Gave him space again. Then he sent me the text, saying that after some days of thought he thinks that we’re finished as lovers and companions. And offered to be friends. It hurt me badly, as I know that he turned most of the romances into friendships because he didn’t want those relationships, but the girls were great, so he basically kept them, but in a friend zone. I told him very gently, that it doesnt feel right for me to accept fake friendship. Then he left the city for a couple of days. He’s back already. What should I say or do so he would want to get me back? We didn’t even start the relationship, so I have nothing that he could really hold on to. Whatever I do will seem to him as me being needy, clingy and weird. Cause after only 6 weeks I sort of have no right for strong feelings. I don’t want to seem crazy and push him even further, but I want to be with him and to be by his side. I don’t want to be friends. I want to be his lover and partner. Lifelong lover and partner.
    Please help!

    • Faith says:

      Hi Alexandra,

      I think you should just leave it alone, at least for now. If he says he is not ready for a relationship, this is the truth, and you can do nothing to change it. It is up to him to seek help and gradually get better. If you push him, it will backfire and you will end up getting more hurt than you are now. He knows that you like him and you don’t want to just be friends, so let him deal with the situation in his own pace and you might have a chance later to form a relationship when he is in a good mental state. Although, from my limited experience, I would advise you not to hold out much hope. Just leave your life and try not to think about him too much.

      • Tamsin says:

        I have to say I agree with Faith. I met my gf when she was much healthier and it’s only been through time that she has found herself in this very low place again. I think that if she was where she is at now when we first met we wouldn’t have lasted long.

      • lostartist says:

        my depressed bf broke up with me 3 days ago. he goes “despite how amazing you are my heart draws a blank, and i just want endless space all the time”. same like everyone here, considerate, loving, perfect! we honestly thought we were perfect, all the synchronicities, humor. he consistently told me that he sees me in his future, and 3rd week into his depression, he stopped saying i love you and most times would pulled back physically. and days before he broke up with me, i received a text from his saying he is missing me. The hardest part about loving a depressed person is that they become apathetic and logic goes out of the window. everything becomes pointless to them. and their feelings fluctuate, that’s the toughest.
        we haven’t reached out since then, and im terrified i will never hear from him again. I went through a 3mos depression when everything was falling apart, career, individual personal life (still is) but i managed to pull through. And I was the perfect mix of understanding and boundary with him because i knew how depressed people are cos I was. It’s twice as hard for others to understand when they never went through it. and “despite how amazing” i am. I’m the one crushed, feeling inadequate and unloved.
        What i am saying is, if, IF, you are not in love yet with him. Try to move on and find someone else. it’s hard, you can’t yell and get mad out of being tired (and it will be emotionally draining) of their sadness cos they will close up even more. I never cursed him or his depression. and it’s the same result. I’m broken

  123. James says:

    I feel like I’m going through hell at the moment. Recently my wife told me it was over and she didn’t love me in that way anymore, Im struggling to understand her decision as I thought we were happily married.

    A month ago we returned from 2 weeks away with out 2 year old son and had a fantastic time. The next day my wife was crying said she didn’t know what was wrong with her. Next day she asks me to leave even though it’s my home.

    I left thinking I was giving her some space and we would be fine after a few days. How wrong was I , 3 days later she filed for divorce.

    She seems like a different person, she’s cold and verbally abusive and making me kut to be a monster. Then she will apologise and do the same thing again a few days later.

    Its extremely difficult because we have a young son that I couldn’t imagine not seeing everyday.

    She blames me for everything, says that I didn’t deserve her. That I mentally abused her and I was controlling.

    I would admit if I was any of these things, but I’m the total opposite. She hasn’t worked for 3 years, I’ve financially supported her, never said no to anything she’s wanted. She goes out when she wants with friends. I support any decisions she makes. I will admit since our son has been born I have not been as affectionate, but that’s mainly due to work and being exhausted.

    I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to push her away further either. Is there anyone with any suggestions?

    • EH says:

      Hi James,

      I am so sorry you’re going thru this. It sounds awful and I am sure you’re heartbroken.

      Have you tried couples counseling? Sometimes simply having a mediator can be beneficial when dealing with someone who is blaming. From my reading,an unfortunate side effect of depression is anger and blaming toward a love one– usually the one closest to you. That or to be completely pushed away without explanation, just silence.

      Even if you cant convince her to couples counseling, you might consider individual therapy to help deal with the trauma and confusion, sort thru it all.

      Good luck to you, I hope everything turns out well.

  124. em says:

    I can so relate unfortunately.
    Here’s my story: 5 months relationship, bf really busy (final stages of PhD, been there myself, so I know it’s tough. As to his position: he has a 3year grant still, will probably be in to tenure track once he finishes PhD, if he doesn’t fulfill the September deadline they’ll prolongue it for sure, so no problems here.

    First, I got issues that summer should be better hence less work, then from around April – May: “sorry, I’m having a tough time”. Back then I didn’t know whether it was “just PhD ” or something more – my gut told me the latter, boy, was my gut right. I had been in a relationship with a man with depression issues before (geez, I must have some kind of radar ;)) so I just saw things one could easily omit.

    Then he got a bad cold with antibiotics, migraines started coming back (oh, the somatic issues), he started taking meds for these migraines but I don’t know the names, he had to change them coz the first ones didn’t work.

    The last time we saw each other, cuddling, hugs and all that jazz, once again he said “the upcoming weeks will be tough” “hey, I’m here” I replied.

    I had some bad issues on the professional level (my grant proposal was rejected, I’m a postdoc currrently in transition from academia to industry/real job market), I needed reassurance, got some, but def. wanted more, anyway, couple of days later, I text “miss you”, it got really ugly, like “you had expectations?” and stuff, really bad timing, I had a presentation to prepare, an important one, meh.

    One more thing: when our mutual friend met him at the Uni and said something like “welcome to the family” he was like WTF and I just said “well, you know K, she’s very direct, especially that we joked about being “in the family” before and he liked the idea, for sure didn’t object to it.

    I said before I leave for my parents’ (2 week leave) I’d like to spend some time with you – ok, I’ll see what I can do.

    Making a long story short: we didn’t meet up then, I sent a very warm email stating all my concerns, and said that he didn’t have to reply if he didn’t feel like it.
    We had a stupid argument on my way to the airport but we talked too (all IM) and looks my gut was right, that he’s getting some kind of treatment, dunno if just meds and/or therapy.

    He reached out first, I bluntly didn’t answer, he reached the second time, I replied a week later “it’s kinda nice you texted. take care”, got an instant reply but just an emoticon (that was 3 days ago, nothing since.

    He also tried to pull me into a quarrel on FB stating some really stupid stuff about politics, but I just ignored it.

    Whom I miss is that person I fell for (not sure it can be called love) but some kind of special bond for sure but then again, I’m not into big words if you know what I mean.

    Just a brief note: my reaction after that break up quarrel in the middle of the night – no tears just “WTF was that” but I also didn’t sleep at all.

    And anger it was, grief, but no tears and I generally tend to cry my breakups over, so that surprised me too.

    kind of messed up but I hope someone will read up to here 🙂

    take care you all 🙂

  125. Faith says:

    Reading this put things into perspective. Unlike most of you I am not in a long-term relationship with someone with depression, but dated someone briefly. I met this guy in February and things ended between us a week ago. When we first started going out he was very sweet and enthusiastic but at some point he withdrew, got silent and aloof, and finally told me he thought we shouldn’t see each other anymore because he felt we did not have many things in common. A couple of days later he got in touch again to say he made a mistake and overreacted. We got back again, only to break up a few weeks later because he said he was in a really dark place and could not handle a relationship. We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, then saw each other again, but I told him I wanted him to make up his mind and make an effort for us to be together, and not on-and-off. He said he wanted to do that, and we had a couple of months which were good (we saw each other regularly and communicated well). I really thought we could make this work despite the depresssion. But then he stopped taking the medication, and started feeling really low. Eventually he told me we should stop seeing each other because he thought I had stronger feelings for him than he had for me, and that he could not imagine himself reaching a point when he would say to me “I love you”. He said he had not been pretending or hiding all this time, but it was easy to be nice to me because I had been nice to him. All this was really hurtful to hear, as I thought he had deep feelings for me, and also it came as a surprise, because recently things had been going well for us. It’s been a week now that we haven’t spoken. I know the wise thing is to forget about him and move on, but I find myself thinking of him, the good times we had together, and also worrying about his situation. I wish he would just go to the doctor and make a concerted effort to deal with the depression. All my friends advise me to stay away and they are probably right. But I can’t help fantasizing about a brighter future when he will have dealt with this and we will be happy together.

  126. Heartbroken says:

    I’m so glad to have found that I’m not the only one going through this. I mean, it’s terribly sad reading these stories, but at least I’m not alone. I had a tumultuous five year relationship with my ex, and even though we had broken up almost five years ago, we kept in contact and he ended up getting married because he got someone pregnant (he didn’t cheat on me, we were broken up but still in contact). That hit me really hard, and I thought it was going to be near impossible for me to move on. But amazingly and completely out of the blue, I met this amazing man about seven months ago and I really believed this was my shot, that this man was it for me. He was, and still is, a very sincere, honest, and just overall wonderful man (he’s about nine years older than me), and he was looking for a relationship at the time that we met. I had always heard that when you stop “looking”, that’s when fate drops someone in front of you. And boy oh boy, that sure did happen. We went on about three or four dates before deciding to be an official couple, and we were on the same page as far as goals, what we wanted in life (marriage and kids eventually), and we were just so well aligned, I couldn’t believe it. I honestly didn’t think that men like him still existed, a true gentleman. We talked all the time, and things were going so well. Then about theee months ago, he started having work trouble. He is a deeply emotional person, and he does let even small things (like his car breaking down) effect him as if his dog had died, so to speak. I started noticing him start to be a little distant within the last month or two, and I just never said anything because I wanted to be supportive of him and be there to listen to him. I figured he was just having a hard time adjusting to his work situation. He had made many comments about being almost 40 and just not where he thought he’d be by now. Then his mom was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago and then I really thought it wasn’t the time to bring up his distance and how I was starting to feel alone since I was making all the effort in the relationship–which had confused me because when we first started dating, he and I both agreed that a relationship takes work and effort from both people. But with all of this stuff dumping on him, I decided not to bring up my concerns with his change in behavior. He even had to move recently, and he made several comments about being bummed out, currently out of work, and I guess just feeling lost. I kept telling him that it’ll be ok, that it won’t be like this forever, circumstances always change and that he’ll get through it. I’ve listened to him endlessly, and he’s even thanked me on multiple occasions for hearing him out and for taking care of him (I’d give him massages at night and bring him food, and do other stuff to try and cheer him up). Then just yesterday, he told me that he had a long hard look at himself about two days ago and realized that he’s depressed and he’s got to deal with it. I then told him how I had been feeling and now it all makes sense, about how he had been pulling away. I told him that I just need to clear one thing up, and that’s if I was the cause or contributed at all to his depression. He said absolutely not, and if anything, if I hadn’t been in his life, he would’ve fallen into depression much sooner, he’s sure of that. But he still fell into it anyway. I then said that it’s ok, we’ll work through it and I don’t mind putting in the extra effort as long as we’re on the same page, that at the end of this dark time for him, that he still wants to be with me. Then he started talking about all this stuff he needs to come to terms with, and that he needs to deal with this on his own and doesn’t want me to be caught in the “crossfire” and he doesn’t feel comfortable with me putting in all the effort while he is not able to reciprocate right now. I told him that what we have is rare: a relationship built on respect, trust, loyalty, and just all the benchmarks of a great relationship. He said he knows but he just needs to get through this and that’s basically it. I’m so unbelievably heartbroken, I’m in shock that he came to this conclusion so quickly without even seeming to be all that upset. We were together for about seven months, and I know that may not seem like a long time, but we had a very deep and meaningful relationship, something that I thought he equally wanted. He kept saying that he doesn’t like to say this is the end, but I couldn’t help but say that that’s exactly what this is though. I kept asking if he was sure this is what he wanted, because this is so not what I want and I just want to be with him and work through this with him. But he hesitantly kept saying that it’s best if we break up. He also said he wants to keep the friendship for now, and that’s it. I just don’t know what to do. I really thought that he was the one for me, I saw myself marrying him and having a family with him. This came so quickly and I’m in such shock. I don’t know what to do. After reading through all these stories, none of them had positive outcomes. I don’t know if I should contact him (he hasn’t contacted me at all yet we spoke last night). I don’t know if I should keep the lines of communication open, mostly because I’m just so deeply upset and heartbroken over this. Is there any chance he’ll come back? He really wanted to be with me and pursued this relationship. It doesn’t make sense that all of a sudden he doesn’t want to be with me. I asked if I should wait for him, and he said no…that if I meet someone else, to go for it. But I don’t want to be with anyone else, I want to be with him. I told him that I didn’t expect us to come to this point, especially so quickly, and he agreed. He didn’t see this happening to us. I asked him how he could make this decision like this, and he said he didn’t know, that it must be his current frame of mind, his depressed state that’s making him feel this way. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. This was the best and strongest relationship I’ve ever had, but also the shortest.

    • Faith says:

      I am so sorry to hear about this. It is a bit similar to my story: I also felt I had a good connection with this person and was really heartbroken to hear he wanted out. But he needs to help himself, you cannot do it for him…

      • Heartbroken says:

        I’m so sorry to hear that you have gone through something similar. I know people have to help themselves; I just wanted him to get the point that he doesn’t have to go through it alone, that I’m here to support him. I decided to just leave him be and let him think things over, that maybe we’ll just have a break. So I didn’t contact him at all. On Monday, my friend practically forced me to go with her to an amusement park because she didn’t want me to be wallowing in my sadness over what had happened. So I ended up going and when we came off of a ride, I checked my phone and saw a missed call and a text from him. I couldn’t believe it. I called him back immediately and he sounded so much better. He asked what I was doing, so I told him. He said he called just to talk and said he was very sorry for what he had put me through the last few days. It was never his intention to hurt me and that I don’t deserve that. He asked me to call him later. It felt ironic to me because the last time I had been to this amusement park was the same day as my first date with him, about seven months ago. Anyway, I called him when I got home and he was acting/sounding like the upbeat man I had come to know. We spoke for about an hour about regular stuff (not addressing what had happened), and I then asked if he wanted company and he said yes. So I went over to his place and stayed the night. Everything was seemingly back to normal, but I just couldn’t really understand what had happened. He even dragged me out of bed at 6am the next day to take a day trip to the mountains to go hiking and swimming. He took me to a path that he had been going to since he was a kid and says he’s never taken anyone up there expect me. But while on our way (a two hour drive), I finally had to address what had happened. He said he thought long and hard about what he needs to do and he said that he needed to pull himself out of his depression, and that we’ll take it one day at a time, but together. So I said, does that mean we’re still in a relationship? And he said, yes as long as you still want to be my girlfriend. I said yes and asked if he still wanted to be my boyfriend, and he said yes. I told him that whenever he’s having a bad day and he doesnt feel like talking or just wants to be alone, just tell me and he’s got it. I will always give him whatever space or time he needs (I’ve never been the clingy type anyway). All I can say is that I hope this is a good sign that our already strong relationship can get stronger and we can make it through the tough times. I hope he can see that I’m in this for the long haul, and that he doesn’t have to be alone in his struggle.

        • Faith says:

          I am so happy that things turned out well for you! I hope it stays this way. It is sure a good sign that he said he decided to fight this and he wants you by his side. This is all I was asking from my boyfriend as well: that he would have the will to fight, and I would be there to support him. But I don’t see this happening for us… If things take a bad turn keep reminding him of his promise. I wish you all the best from the depths of my heart

        • Nmw says:

          I am so glad I read the comments on this article because yours is *exactly* what I’m going through right now and my heart swelled when I got to your. Ext comment about you guys working through it together. I’m *so* happy to read this and hope I have the same ending to my story! (Seriously, even your break up conversation sounded word for word like ours….)

          • Faith says:

            We have not spoken for a couple of weeks, since he told me he wants to break up because he does not feel strongly for me. I recently started going to therapy, and when I told my therapist how shocked I was by what he said, she said that he was projecting his feelings onto me: he probably feels he is unlovable and cannot love himself, so he said he cannot love me. She told me I cannot do anything if he does not decide to help himself. I know this, I understand this. I have not contacted him in any way. But I keep thinking of him every day, and I am stalking him on social media, trying to see when/if he is active so as to get a clue about how he feels (I know that he goes offline when he is in a really bad place). I know this is not healthy and I hope I will gradually move on. If anyone has any tips about this…

  127. karmen says:

    Are there any outcomes that are positive? It is so crazy how someone can be the most wonderful partner in the world and then poof they are gone!!!

    • Seekingadvice says:

      Exactly, I have been looking for any positive outcomes, seems like I am doomed as well. My relationship with my gf lasted 4 years, she was the love of my life and we planned marriage, until recently where she just wants to be alone and doesn’t want to be in a relationship, I figured out this was depression as she wants to be alone all the time and doesn’t want anyone at all. I gave her space and told her to maybe speak to a doctor but she refuses to as she feels they can’t help and she just wants me to move on with my life and not waste my time. So basically 4 years of loving someone and doing anything for them and still willing to support them through depression, they just throw you out just like that? I don’t understand why people with depression just refuse love and support. She did say she loves me a lot and cares for me a lot and that she just wants me to be happy with someone else? What do I even do? As I can’t give up on her but she is forcing me too

  128. K says:

    3 days ago my partner left me. We have had a relationship full of adventure. I moved to another country to be with him, followed him as he worked, I left my entire life behind for him. I gave him everything. He says he needs space to deal with himself but I’m absolutely heartbroken.. I can’t sleep, I keep having panic attacks, I haven’t eaten. i have reached out in multiple attempts, I have begged him to stay.. but he still left. Feeling so broken.

    • Patrick says:

      My partner of 8 years is leaving this coming Tuesday. She says she’s unhappy and needs to be alone. We have a 5 year old little boy together who loves his mom dearly, and 8 years of adventure, including moving to another country for work. I feel like death. Its the worst suffering and pain I have ever felt. I hope you’re feeling better, because I can relate, and it hurts so bad.

      • C says:

        Absolutely relate!! My partner txt me yesterday to say he was on his way to his Mams, let’s face it the relationship is over and he’ll look for somewhere else to stay! WOW! What a blow! I rung him and he answered and said we needed to talk. He was blunt and cold but did return to talk.

        To cut a long story short he hasn’t left! We both cried. He said a lot of things that don’t make sense to me. He has a lot of pressures at work. We’ve had a lot of pressures financial and a multitude of other things. And the past month has been hell. In the past month we disconnected! I felt it first and had a talk 2wks ago…he cried and opened up about a lot of things. But then somehow Saturday night pressures from an overly wired, super tired, refusing to sleep child, sent me over the top and I ranted how I hated this, that and the other. I let it all out and he was so cold. Usually he’d embrace me and reassure me. As I would him when times are tough. Not this time he was cold and so I kept pushing to get what I wanted but it ultimately pushed him further. I then received the txt yesterday the morning after!

        I’m truly heart broken. We’ve had an amazing adventure for over 10years a wonderful daughter and have always been such a solid unit. Always had a connection. Always been one. I cannot fathom how one month of shit can completely and utterly destroy that.
        He states his txt was bad? And that he was moving to not drag me and his daughter down and that he was doing it for us. But it doesn’t make sense he said a lot of stuff that doesn’t make sense and I’m left feeling deflated, ‘like death’ as you put it and I don’t know if I can get over he heartache!! Literally broken hearted. Never ever thought he’d do or say that.

  129. Tammy says:

    On the 26th of May 2017 my husband and I will have been married 27 years but, we won’t be celebrating, I’m sure. You see, for the 12th time, he has move out. He lives in a shitty little motel on the side of a busy road. This is the same road I take to work and home every day so I have to see his work truck. This man cooks for me, does my laundry, walks the dogs, fixes me a plate of food and brings it to me. He does the dishes and has assigned himself chores on Sunday, like dusting. He always sits right next to me on the couch, always has a hand on me, and always tells me he loves me. Every morning, while I’m in bed, right before he leaves for work, he gives me three kisses, always three. He goes to work every day and gives me money towards the bills and savings. We have saved enough money and have begun looking to buy a home. Four years ago we broke up after too many years of him going from the best guy ever to stonewalling me, overnight. We went our separate ways and had very little contact for 7 months. After 9 months we got back together. For the 1st time,we did things together and he was perfect, for three years. I fell so dead in love with him but I always held back no didnt show it to the level I felt. I was afraid of the pattern of him stonewalling and leaving me. I now understand it’s depression. I was so good at handling him leaving, in the past. Two months ago. The 1st week of march he shut down. Stopped talking to me. If I ask what was wrong he would stare at the tv or get pissed and leave the room. If I cried he got angry. This went on for three weeks then he said he was looking for a place to live. I gave him money and said, ‘nope, you are leaving today.” I changed the locks as he loaded up his things. I thought it was my fault for being demanding but I think it is depression and stonewalling. I feel bad for handling it like I did. I feel bad that John is in pain. He does not speak to me at all except for 2 weeks ago, I got a text that read, ” if it makes you feel better, I do love you.” Then nothing, not a word. I haven’t heard his voice in so long or seen his handsome face. I’m waiting for the depression to leave but in the meantime, I’m not handling well this time. The sadness is overpowering. I’m super tough but this one, this time, I’m on the floor crying, Ive dropped 8 lbs and that’s a lot for a person 5’1″. This time before he comes home, he has to speak to a professional.

    • karmen says:

      Same exact thing! I see him every day at work, 2 months now he has checked out. He sounds just like your husband. I miss that loving guy so much it literally hurts. Nothing I do or say can fix him. Fact is he may never return and that is heart breaking for me!!!

      • Tammy says:

        It sucks so bad, I know. It’s must be super hard to see him every day and he is ignoring you. That’s why I had my husband leave. Mine is still gone. He found out his mom is dieting so I’m sure that is going to prolong his depression. Is this the 1st time yours has gone into depression?

        • Tammy says:

          Dieing not dieting. That’s kind of funny.

        • Bree says:

          I can’t tell you how similar our stories are… Literally! Right down to the three kisses. He never gives me one, always three. How are things with your relationship now? Has he gotten any help?

  130. HelpMe says:

    Hi!

    It’s a relief to know that I am not alone in this. 3 days ago my boyfriend after 7 months of relationship broke up with me citing depression. He has been withdrawn from me from past 3 months. 2 months ago he suggested that this is not working and we should break up. He feels the burden of the relationship. I did not let him go and suggested a break instead. We hardly talked for a month. He came over to my city 3 days ago and broke up with me. He was there with me for 2 days to console me as I shattered in front of him. He said that he doesn’t love me anymore. He was suffering from depression and wants time. He said he will see a doctor soon. After making me accept the breakup, he felt lighter and talked and laughed after days. He complimented me a lot and kissed me goodbye. We made plans in passing to meet after 3 months as friends if he feels better. I’ve been broken since then. My every waking moment goes in missing him. I am not making any contact with him. But the pain and hurt has turned into a physical one. I am also worried about him. I want to keep in contact so that he knows that he can talk to me as a friend anytime. I want him to know that I am there for him no matter what. What do I do?

    • Kelly G says:

      Hi!
      First off I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this, it is awful and painful. I am going through something almost identical and I was wondering how you are doing? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, the last 4 months he has been completely isolated himself from me. We went from spending so much time together, constantly going on little trips, to seeing each other maybe once or twice a month. The more I pushed the more he pulled away, until finally 2 weeks ago he told me that his depression has gotten the best of him and he is tired of hurting me, he said he loves me and knows i deserve more and wanted to end our relationship. He said maybe one day if his demons subside we can try again but right now he needs to figure out why he is unhappy and how to deal with it. My initial reaction was to get angry because i don’t know why he wouldn’t want me to help him, especially if he is still in love with me. I messaged him a few times and got short responses that honestly made me feel worse. I hope that you are doing okay, if you have any tips that have been helping you please share!

      • Kate says:

        My partner left me this morning. He has depression and anxiety but refuses to take meds as he says he does not like the way they make him feel. I have begged and pleaded with him to change his mind and just consider a different med but he insists he can do this on his own. We went out last night with friends and had a lovely eve…this morning he got up and left for work but did not say goodbye which i thought odd, and that maybe I hadn;t heard him as I was still in bed. I went downstairs to find the house keys on the table. He later sent me a text to say he is moving away. I am devastated. I cannot even think straight. he says he does not know what love is anymore, and yet we have been blissfully happy for over two years. I feel like my heart has been broken.

        • karmen says:

          same here, the last 2 years have been more than I could ask for in a man. Two months ago he went into his depression said he was done. Will not talk to me! I am completely heart broken. You feel so very helpless because you cannot do anything to fix the problem!!

        • Tammy says:

          I want to tie mine up and punch him in the face sometimes and other times I feel sorry for him. It sucks waking up thinking, “maybe today is the day he texts me or comes home.” This disease is such a shiityshitty disease. It takes away everything. I just want to say screw it and let him figure it out.

  131. Krissie says:

    There are SO many of us with similar stories but I have yet to read of a happy outcome.
    First and foremost I want my husband to feel good – it breaks my heart to see the man I have known for over 30 years change so much – like there is this outer shell that I can no longer get through to – my best friend replaced with a stranger!
    I can’t live with the fact he may go to his grave such a broken and dejected man & I feel like I have let him down somehow. However I have lost my grip on him.
    I need to know what to do and even 2 pychologists have given me no real answers! Do I let go, stop pursuing contact with him knowing that I am probably one of the few people who ‘has his back’ despite his total rejection of me (he has left home, wanting a trial seperation).
    This is such a bizarre, left of field curve ball that has impacted our family and I am at a loss.

    • Gabrielle says:

      Hi Krissie , I’m so sorry to hear your story . My husband of 36 years has also moved out & is unrecognisable in the same way . He wants to live alone , as a Hermit & says he doesn’t need people . He is spending all hours working & I also think , he is depressed . I believe he is seeing a Counsellor, but says our marriage is over & that he hasn’t lived me for 15 years . Our grown up children are totally devastated & confused , as are all our friends . I am totally distraught & don’t know what to do

      • Krissy says:

        It’s hard to comprehend isn’t it? While mine said he needed to be alone and to get away, he still manages to hold down a responsible job and, sadly, has started dating another woman! He has actually become a nicer person (what little I see of him) but I also see a sad, broken person and despite the rejection I still have this innate need to ‘fix’ him.
        For me it is nearly 6 months and the grieving process has gone up and down. In some ways I feel a stronger more confident person (probably because I have to be) and my adult children are very protective of me and also very confused by his behaviour.
        I can see he is depressed and feel responsible for creating the life that ‘broke’ him but I feel I have to start planning for a future that does not include him. I have moments when I feel strong and others when I fall apart and just can’t comprehend this bizarre situation.
        I’m sorry this has happened to you also. It is a grieving process and us women are stronger than we know! We have to rewrite our future, rewrite our retirement plans and look after ourselves. At first I kept it quiet for his sake and to absorb the shock of the situation but by telling people, you will find support from people you didn’t expect and perhaps no support from those you thought you might!

        • karmen says:

          realizing you are not alone or feeling crazy is very helpful. I just want to heal from the void of the one I love so much gone, but still alive!!

      • Lisa says:

        I know this is old, but I know people like me are going to come across this site and read all these posts. Honestly I feel like the reason why we don’t hear many positive outcomes is because people reach out when they’re going through this, but when things get better we tend to forget. I’m going through the same situation and I just scroll and scroll for clarity or positive outcomes and I haven’t seen many, but I know if they truly do love you and when they realize what they have done and they will come around.

        • Taylor says:

          Yup.. same thing just happened to me.. I want to see if anyone ever made breakthroughs.. my gf said she loved me and I was her soulmate.. then out of nowhere she needed to work on herself, and said I was a Bandaid and she was relying on me too much and felt bad for dragging me down.. even though I assured her she can always talk to me.. we broke up 2 days ago… and I’m still in shock. My heart hurts so bad… 😢…

          • Anon says:

            Happened to me 2 days before you. 5 and a half years and now nothing. Saw her spiraling in front of me despite the meds (that were likely making her worse). I know I’m not without fault, but this is singelhandedly the worst thing to ever happen to me.

            I am now in therapy to figure myself out and would suggest you do the same.

          • Daisy says:

            I’ve spent the day reading these comments and it seems to me that if it can happen once then it can happen again, and again. I’m on my second time of him leaving me as of this morning and I think I have to now protect myself and make sure it doesn’t happen a third time. I love him so much but I’ve been so miserable trying to hold on to him when he started to withdraw this time. I can’t put myself through it again. When he starts getting back in touch again (if he does) I’m going to just wish him well, even if it breaks my heart to do it.

    • karmen says:

      I feel the same way, it breaks my heart for him. I saw this man full of joy and now he is so down. He wants me to leave him alone. I am so confused, hurt, missing him! It is like grasping at air.

  132. charlie says:

    Oh dear I’ve just realised ….my partners depression is very real .
    Doctors , personality crisis , sadly her father died the very same week She had a bad operation (almost two years ago) so she /we couldn’t plan to have children without big risks and fear involved. I’ve been struggling like crazy to keep it all together. She moved out of the new flat and immediately is living full-time(~ ( 6Weeks so far)
    with someone she has only just met a handfull of times at most. She has been under a lot of stress full on for two years and this is the outcome .
    We only had each other and been together 9years, we split for 80days about 5years ago,she did I the same then under strees. This time it has been far more difficult for us / me to cope. I’m wondering should I try to contact her ? It’s been six weeks . I don’t want to make things worst if there is any hope for us, I really don’t know what to do, there is no family to call upon.
    I’m absolutely smashed over this , No alcohol No coffee, just crying couple of times a day no sleep weight loss just about keeping in my head together thinking about this all day. I’m better than I was now I’ve started eating again.
    I just wish there was something no could do I actually feel a little more worried for her head now poor thing . Any advice or ideas? It’s been six weeks since she went . She’s 28.

  133. Priscilla says:

    First and foremost I would like to say thank you for writing your article it has helped with my own research when it comes to depression and my partner who I believe suffers from depression. I really don’t know what I’m doing on here other than your article made so much sense to me and that I’m going through every single thing that is written on here in your article. I don’t know how to express myself on here so that I don’t write a novel of my own on this page regarding my relationship with my exboyfriend who I love dearly & Who I believe suffers from two types of depression. He’s never been diagnosed and a year ago he told me he was seeing a counselor but just to talk about his family he never gave me any details but from my knowledge that only took at least two weeks and to be honest I think he lied about it because honestly there were no signs that he was seeing a counselor, I never went with him nor saw proof of it and when he did say he went to see a counselor him and I were broken up at the time so who knows.
    I have been with him for 4 years the past three years he has been in and out of my life and for only periods of time of 4months and then he would get into these moods swings that I know now are depression mood swings. During our first three years I thought he was doing me wrong with someone because he wouldn’t show any more love nor didn’t want to be intimate with me, I felt as if he had two women and to be honest my woman intuition told me that wasn’t the case but I could never figure out why he would act certain ways but that all changed in January 23. He started getting into his moods and started using the word depression a lot this time,I thought to myself “here we go again with the same pattern as last time” finally after him using that word depression several times I decided to research on it because someone like me would only think depression is just sadness for a day or two but I was surprised/shocked on what I read although my research was too late because he already had set his mind to move out and he did January .When he does leave we do not communicate whatsoever within that period of time of 3to4 months of what I now know is depression (mind you before this I always thought again it was either patterns another woman or just copping out ) Every time he wants to end the relationship he would always have good excuses to end it,i always thought he was just copping out of the relationship to be with someone else. Every time he would come back after 3 1/2 months after leaving to rekindle our relationship it would be around the months of May late April and the times that he ends The relationship it’s around holidays , Mid October to mid January, mind you this is every year for the past four years. Because of his patterns/ depression of actions and the research that I have done I say he has seasonal depression but I also think he has clinical depression as well. He knows what he wants when we are doing fine ,he wants a future, he wanted to get married ,he wants a house ETC. BUT when his irritability, sadness, anxious,Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness,Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex, Decreased energy, fatigue,Difficulty concentrating, making decisions
    Trouble sleeping, Weight gaining,Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain. He no longer wants a future he would say I love you but only if I said it first, when it always used to be him who would say it or text it or show it , but that changes when he gets in his mood within those months.I’m just desperate for peace and not sure what kind of peace maybe on what should I do,im so used to not communicating within the 3 to 4 months but now that I truly know what’s wrong with him, do I reach out to him?? Again desperate for answers… my research on depression has answered a lot of my questions when it comes to him in and out of my life his mood swings and his actions but tell me why this time I am more emotional and hurting but when I thought he was doing me wrong in the past three years (and he truly wasn’t) I wasn’t so emotional… everything is just a confusion… help please

    • Max says:

      Hi Priscilla

      It is futile attempting to ascribe any form of logical explanation to a partner suffering from depression. After all, we are simply a conglomerate of extremely complex chemicals and their interactions, so when these become defective due to whatever reasons, it is essentially the fabric of a person’s soul becoming corrupted. The various medications help for some time but they never cure the true causes. My partner did, to my surprise, respond via a fairly loving message when I recently sent a a gentle but neutral message of support. She has finally acknowledged, again to my utter surprise, that her medication (now a double dosage strength) has not been working for quite some time and she needs help from our GP and even a psychiatrist. So maybe some good may emanate from the bleak events of the past 6 weeks. But the fact remains that she is now diametrically shifted from the vivacious and loving woman I met 13 years ago and in spite of the Herculean efforts I made to ensure her happiness over the intervening years. But I have made one change in my approach in handling my own distress – I communicate what has happened apropos my relationship and no longer suffer in silence. The result – introductions to healthy women so wanting to be loved and cared for for which I have ample capacity. So I have taken the first steps in this direction and am making some reasonable progress in finding an adoring woman who will be treated lovingly and appreciatively by me. And my 13 year old relationship? That is possibly somewhere in the future, one way or another, but is now beyond my control. Life may choose to rather bless me with a normal, loving and supportive partner. I toast the future and hope …..

    • Tammy says:

      Priscilla, 27 years of marriage, 11 times he has left. Most of the time the irritability and ignoring me begins late Feb, early March and lasts 3 or 4 months. He usually leaves and has been gone now for 11 weeks. During this time he will not communicate with me. It’s a weird pattern. The past three years he was perfect, no depression and then one day…… BAM! How always comes back though. This time is the worst though.

  134. Ssg says:

    This post helped me understand a lot, but it still hurts.

    My best friend of years started dating 5 months ago. I knew he suffered from mental illnesses when we got together, but I had previously been his go-to so I felt like I could handle it.

    Everything was wonderful after we stated dating. We had tons of fun and shared lots of memories and laughs. He would ALWAYS tell me how lucky he was to have me and how he would feel like dying if I ever left him.

    About a month ago, he was feeling suicidal. At this point, he wanted me around. I took him to the local crisis center at his request and sat with him for 9 hours (while listening to him talk about wanting to kill him self). Finally he was transported to a mental health facility 2 hours away. He loved it because he said it helped so much. He called me everyday and expressed his love for me. When I picked him up after his week stay, his face lit up like never before when he saw me.

    For a week or two after that, things were great. He was doing so well and we were probably even closer. However, the weeks after that he started to seem a little withdrawn. He didn’t want to talk to me or see me as much, he was content with sitting at home all day, and he overall showed no interest or emotion in anything.

    I of course noticed and tried to get him to open up and talk to me more about what I can do to help. He said nothing, but that he is afraid of me leaving because of his state of mind. I had to always reassure him that I wouldn’t leave him. We had so many big life plans.

    The last time I saw him was 4 days ago. We met for lunch and he seemed happy to see me. Afterwards, we hugged and kissed goodbye.

    That night he started acting weird and texting me things like “I don’t know if we will last” and talked about wanting to end things before he could hurt me years from now.

    The next day, just 2 days after seeing him, he messaged me saying he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. I was completely taken back and tried to talk to him to figure out why. In the matter of 2 days he completely shut me out. He deleted anything involving me on all social media, refuses to meet up to talk or even talk on the phone, and does not respond to any of my messages seeking for answers.

    The small bit I did get him to talk though, he seemed angry. His excuse for leaving is that he feels numb and empty since leaving the mental institution. Part of me feels like it’s the medication they put him on in there, mixed with feelings of depression. I have been a mess. Completely broken and hysterical and it seems he has no sympathy or consideration of my feelings. It seems like he just wants me gone from his life completely, claiming he “can’t see the future” and “I can do better than him”. Keep in mine, this is just days after him begging ME to never leave him and always love him.

    I’m just confused. Does depression/medication make you feel numb and/or change your wants and feelings in a heartbeat? And should I stop trying to contact him since he seems as though he doesn’t want to even hear my name?

    • Rosie says:

      Yes, meds can definitely make you feel numb. And indecision/inability to see a future is also part of depression and could be a side effect of meds. Some meds can be really worse for depression than helpful… I hope things have been getting better, it sounds like he really loves you. Depression and meds are both messing with his clarity.

  135. Max says:

    The hundreds of posts contained in this site almost read like a prepared script – and I have again found my dealing with the ever increasing severity of depression of my long term (13 year) female partner reads just the same. It is heart rending
    I have struggled to keep the relationship on track as my partner was afflicted by 3 really bad marriages and 2 equally bad interim relationships. So when I met her all those years ago I felt blessed to be able to direct my emotional resources to retrieving all the lost years of zero love, care, indifference, etc which she had become so accustomed to
    But I had no idea she was also struggling to contain the destructive and corrosive effects of depression.
    I welcomed her and her youngest 13 year old daughter into my home for 3 years and expected nothing in return except a devoted and loving companion. Two of my 3 children were also still at home starting university studies
    The result of all my good intentions driven by an overwhelming love for my partner? No surprise…

    She has again advised, in the traditional brutal manner, that she cannot be in a relationship after doing this several times over the past 5 years but always returning. She has described herself as numb, devoid of any emotions, her work pressures are stressing her so severely, etc. There is never any hope of her articulating her innermost emotions, thoughts, hopes, aspirations, etc. They seem to be entirely absent. I always fervently believed that the loving and consistent affirmations that I directed to her would let her finally realise she actually belonged to an adoring partner and would displace the debilitating effects of depression and other distressing influences. And then throw into this toxic mix the now 26 year old, bipolar 1 daughter who still lives at home with no prospect of finding a life of her own. Started her 7 th year at university with absolutely nothing achieved to date and little prospect of that ever changing. And my passive partner just accepts this status quo. The daughter has compelled my partner to disallow me to visit their home for the past 2 1/2 years after she became physically belligerent to me during what I later realised was a manic episode. 6 months later she was placed into a psychiatric clinic for nearly 3 weeks where the diagnosis was made. Her other 2 daughters are also maladjusted individuals who, for many years, were truly obnoxious to my partner. It is dreadful to behold all the animosities that are continually at play in her family
    I have again tried to gently coax her back into a real life reality with neutral reminders of the thousands of happy memories I created with her – for example, a few photos of the many venues I took her to to celebrate our meeting anniversary, Valentines Day, her birthdays, Mothers Day, etc. The result – no responses of any kind forthcoming. I have learnt that there is no alternative but to leave her alone – in the past there has been a bewildering recovery which would suddenly emerge after weeks of black silence from her. And she would make absolutely no mention of her depressed state or the fact that it had occurred – it is akin to a person emerging from a coma with no short term memory of previous events. I was just so thankful for her return and never discussed it with her. The real and sickening worry is always whether she will return after a new episode
    So now the dreadful and agonising wait continues after this recent episode. I notice that she is always so tolerant of others’ bad behaviour towards her. But let me, as her loving partner, voice the slightest dissent about her often callous treatment of me or the little time she makes for our relationship. It’s like a Claymore mine exploding in my face. Harsh, brutal, spiteful behaviour engulfs me from her. There is never an apology forthcoming nor one accepted from me even when I apologise for events not of my making.
    My two adult daughters are excoriating me for endeavouring to always sustain the relationship. Their exhortations for me to leave are indeed filled with truisms about the futility of remaining with her. But I will wait and see what the outcome is and hate every moment of waiting. The problem is that we, who are the loving, balanced and emotionally stable partners know that many opportunities of experiencing happiness together are being sacrificed on the alter of depression and it’s concomitant mordant behaviours. And the ever constant reminder that time is so precious and irreplaceable when lost due to the demon called depression
    I wish all those who recount their harrowing experiences of depression driven behaviour of their partners find some measure of succour in describing their acute pain on this site. For me it provides a measure of catharsis and hope it will do the same for fellow readers and contributors

    • Katie says:

      I feel your pain. I have a similar story. I’m sick and tired of being treated like crap all the time, waiting for those few bright moments to appear and waiting for the person we once knew to return, but the truth is will they ever fully be themselves again? Were they just feeling good when we met them, and the “new” feeling of a relationship that made them feel really good for awhile? That’s what i long for, the person i once met to return to me.

      As you mentioned, i hold my tongue constantly, i always monitor what I say in fear of a reaction that is completely blown out of proportion and misconstrued to the 10th degree. It’s like they take whatever you say and turn it around and someone it’s all about them and in a bad way.

      But they have no problem hitting us below the belt where it hurts, saying mean, spiteful things, god forbid we said such things to them.

      How is any of this a healthy relationship? we walk on eggshells and can’t express our feelings which is the most basic of a healthy relationship. Are we wasting our precious time? I’m beginning to think so, i feel I have been in denial for way to long, because i was always hoping that the old person would return, i thought the more i cared and loved the more they would appreciate it, nope, it’s in fact the exact opposite,it seems the more you try and love and care for them the more they try and plow you over.

      I’m going on three months now with zero contact, i’ve written letters, texts, voicemails, went in person, which was a complete disaster every single time, which is just heart wrenching. Everyone around me says to give it up already, cut your ties, move on to someone that actually cares for you and loves you. I never wanted to hear it, wanted to always keep hope. But how long does one hope? I could hope forever, but i expect a little respect and love in return, which i get none of.

      Have all of you felt that your relationship has been one sided for a long time? Your the one to put in all the effort, the one to make the plans, get in contact, always trying to keep the relationship afloat, for what?

      • Max says:

        Hi Katie

        Thank you for your comments and response. These allow us and others to clearly recognise that depression is the master of those suffering from its malignancy. It takes no prisoners and leaves the loving partner often shattered and bewildered

        Your last paragraph succinctly describes such a relationship – it is always so lopsided with the healthy partner ( the you’s and me’s) scrambling to eternally over compensate in an effort to avoid a collapse of one’s partner which is always lurking just beneath the surface. I have one question which I alluded to in my original narrative – she was always so passively accepting of everyone’s disgusting behaviour to her. But ruthless to me, the only one person who has truly loved and cared for her in her entire life. What is it about depression that lets her single me out for this inhumane treatment?