It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
My lover of almost three years dumped me last week. Ive never seem him cry so much. He seemed so confused. He said he loves me cares about me but I deserve someone better. He says he mightve said years ago hed move in/ or marry me but he said now hes changed. He said hes always seen himself alone and not with anyone. Like to himself. But hes also said hes been getting more depressed as time moves. I really do think it’s quarantine messing with him. All this time to think its harmful. But what if im wrong and its just me. But none of this makes sense. He said our compatibility is great and it isn’t anything i did. He said he just feels he makes me upset all the time. I only said lately he has but I understand his distance isn’t personal. I wish i communicated more and fought more but i just was so upset. He hugged me goodbye and said i can still message him and we will see eachother at friend gatherings but this feels so wrong. I cant sleep this makes no sense to me. I love him so much. I hope he loves me too. I messaged him that day he broke up how “i dont know if i can live a life without you in it” he replied the next day saying “youll see me again” im just so lost i dont know whether to give him space or if i should fight for this. Or help him. He didnt like the idea of therapy or just didnt really reply to it. I just feel like my whole relationship was a lie. We never argued and had such good chemistry. I feel so played
I am in exactly the same situation. We were together for 3 years and the last year we were living together. We passed through a lot of difficult situations together. I am sure that the most stress is coming from his job (he works in the family company and this year was the first time he took all the responsibilities and it’s not something he could handle). From April he started to take distances from all of us. Me, our friends, hist friends. The quarantine and the months after it were not good for any of us. I was working from home, so I didn’t see many people and he felt responsible for making me feel better. At the same time, he couldn’t fine any joy on anything, he couldn’t get off the bed and as he said “I wake up and I just wait for the moment to be back at bed”. All these 3 years we had 3 fights. During our vacations, I pushed him to do a few things together, we fought and when I came back after a 9-hours discussion, he was convinced that we should not be together. He is being terrified in the idea for not seeing me again. The same night he called me in a terrible mood and we spent 2 hours in the phone, same the day after. And the we found out that our dog is not well and we saw each other for a few hours. I was so relieved. It is also very diffcult for him to live without me, he misses me very much but he thinks that for now he need to stay away. And he doesn;t want to give any promises for the future. It;s amazing, how quick all of these happen. One month ago we were planning a lot of things and now I am without house. I feel exactly the same way with you.
I need help, i dont know what to do, my bf is lost and feels dead and last night he broke up with me saying “its good for u im scared i ruin ur dreams or stop u from finishing school” and right now im tryna speak to him telling him how much i care about him but he shits me out, he keeps saying he is going to eat or comes online onto whatsapp but ignores my messages, i cant lose him he is my beacon of hope but he says “I need to figure this out alone” and while he is doing that it seems like he is destroying the feelings he has for me, he doesnt respond much maybe 3 words when i send a paragraph, he blames himself and i wan do something but its like i dont exist
Hi, I went through a similar situation back in March. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me because he felt that he was holding me back and that he needed to be single to focus on himself. He had a bad childhood with bad relationships and struggles with depression because of that.
But the hope I can offer you is that when he broke up with me in March, I decided to just leave him alone. It absolutely killed me not to reach out to him and let him know I was there for him constantly. But I left him a final message saying that I still care about him and I’m here for him, and I stayed away until the beginning of this month (August). I did not reach out to him, and it was so hard. I thought about him every single day and I was searching the internet for answers, but couldn’t find any because I forgot to factor in his depression.
Finally, at the beginning of August he reached out to me one night, and it was totally unexpected. I didn’t know if I’d ever hear from him again, and I was losing hope after months of no contact. But he did reach out. And he apologized for how he treated me when we broke up (he ghosted me and couldn’t give me and sound answers on why he wanted to break up). He told me that I am one of the best people he’s ever met, and he was wrong for breaking up with me out of nowhere and treating me the way he did.
He says that he would like to remain in each other’s lives as friends for the time being, because he is still trying to figure his life out. He’s in the process of moving and getting a new job. But he says he is much happier now and doesn’t feel as depressed and miserable as he was feeling when he decided to break up. He says it was nothing I did or said, and it was not because he didn’t love me. It was his bad living situation and his worsening depression because of that.
But he’s back in my life, and I trust that it is for good reason. When people struggle with depression (men especially), their instinct is often to push the people they care about away because they don’t want anyone to see them so bad off. And if that’s what he wants or needs right now, it is best to let him have it. I would advise doing what I did – leave him a kind and heartfelt message about how much you care, and then leave it at that. Unless he reaches out to you, don’t engage with him for a few weeks at least. In my case, it was about 5 months, but sooner could be appropriate if you feel the need to reach out to him. He likely just feels like a burden and needs space. And if he does care about you and you believe that he really does love you, then he will likely come back when he feels ready. Just leave the door open for him. You got this!
would you expand on your final conversations. My experience is very similar, and I’m just curious what sort of explanation, if any, you did receive. My X just ended things with a brief call telling me she needed to get back on track and didn’t recognize herself and then a text that we weren’t on the same page.
Hello, sorry I am late to respond to your question. But basically, me ex broke up with me back in March with a quick phone call as well (we were long distance at the time) and he told me he needed to grow up by himself and he just wasn’t happy. He was in a very toxic living situation and was struggling with depression. But I felt like maybe he was really gone forever, and so I tried to leave him alone and pretend to move on even though I was still deeply in love with him. And still am.
Our final conversations back in March were brief and painful. He cried on the phone but didn’t want to give me further explanation, he just told me he wanted to break up because it wasn’t fair for me. He also said that maybe someday we could get back together, but for now he needs space. That could have just been letting me down easy, but he truly was struggling with his mental health and I honestly trust that this was the main reason behind the breakup. Because up until the moment we broke up, our relationship was loving and comfortable. But I could tell that he was unhappy with his living situation & job.
Anyways, he was very short with me at the end of our relationship. I tried to talk to him for a week or so after the breakup, but realized it wasn’t worth it because he had closed himself off and didn’t want to talk about it. So I left him alone and didn’t talk to him until August. He reached out to me because he realized he was unhappy and moved back to my city.
He is back in my life now and I can tell he’s still struggling with his mental health. It’s hard. When he first came back, he said he wants me in his life and would like to try a relationship again someday. We hang out every couple weeks, and he always treats me as though we’re still in a relationship. But he is still distant and seems unhappy with his life. I think he’s still struggling with depression (he had a hard childhood, so it’s not something that will just go away). But he is back in my life and tells me he’s not just going to leave again. It’s just hard to believe when he says things like that but acts so distant. Maybe I just don’t fully understand because I don’t have depression myself, and my personal instinct when I’m struggling is to reach out for help. But he is the opposite. He closes himself off to everyone and can’t see the light.
I trust him and still love him though, just as much as I always have. I feel that he and I are somehow meant to be in each other’s lives because we get along so well and the love we share(d) was absolutely beautiful. My gut tells me that he is being honest and still sincerely cares about me, but he just needs to work on himself and hopefully feel better.
So if you’re dealing with an ex partner who struggles with mental illness or maybe is just pushing you away, the only solution in my mind is to try to give them time but before you do, make sure you let them know you are there for them. If you care about your ex like I do mine, you’ll understand that the love can’t just be killed. Especially when you feel like this person is meant to be in your life for a long, long time. You have to fight for her, but the way to do that (especially towards the beginning of the breakup and for at least a couple months afterwards) is by giving her space. It gives her the option to come back, and I think then if she does, you know she meant it. And if you want to give it a second chance, then go for it. I just warn you that if she struggles with her mental health, IT WILL NOT BE EASY. And there’s possibly no way to ensure you can be together again. But I am personally making sure that my ex knows I’m here for him, and when he isolates himself, I try to both give him space while also checking in on him so he knows I haven’t forgotten him. I wish you the best, and I hope things work out for the both of us.
I really appreciate the perspective. The hardest part for me is that I’ve been learning on the fly. As such, I’ve made a lot of mistakes …really just too much contact trying to support her with the undestanding she was not herself. There is a component of really being worried about a former partner until one fully understands it’s better to just walk away and either wait or go live a new life.
I don’t foresee her coming back into my life, but it was interesting recently to get a glimpse of some social media posts by her family. I’m the only person who’s ever appeared alongside her in nearly a decade’s worth of pictures. Her smile and glow was so much different with me than any other pic posted. It really is hard to understand how the switch could flip so fast, but it also gives me hope she might someday remember the smile I put on her face despite all the mistakes I made along the way.
Of course, the pics also underscore how harsh mental illness can be that someone would be willing to walk away from so much happiness to just really be with him or herself.
Yes but you see that happened months ago in August when I sent that message seeking help, so we happen to break up and i found out a few weeks after that he got a new girl so i doubt he will be coming back, im still suffering from depression because of that, I think of him everyday and what we had and I still cant get over him.
Im even forcing myself into other relationships to love someone else amd not him because he was my everything and the pain is so unbearable . Its really hard and the pain part of me wishes i can have him back, the other part wishes i never loved him because the pain is so bad, but I trust God my father and if there was someone as great as my ex there will be other guys better than him.
Im still under slot of pressure, Cry atleast once or twice a day and this depression has pushed me to the part where i believe life is a dream and suicide is the wake up way out, that everyone is just a test and everyone is fake. But im 17 years old, theres some things i still wan experience in this so called dream and I have nothing to lose, I don’t have a family except my dad, but he is suffering from a fatal disease given a few years. I just hope he knows that he is my hero but lets not get off the topic.
Ive had a bad past and a past with boys too and this guy was everything to me, breaks me to see him with someone better after he said he wants to be alone.
To the person in my situation right now, I might know youre pain or I might not most likely i do. That person you love right now moved on, so do you dear person, you have to aswel and ik if you love a person my words mean nothing but it will later, let him go and find someone better, ik youre telling me right now there is nobody better but there is, we all have someone in our life if it wasnt him its someone else, work on yourself and strive, strive to your God and if you dont believe in thay, strive to be a better person. Im giving you this advice because you are reading my comment because its similar to your situation, these words might not have an impact now but it will later. I love you all okay, young or old♥️
This was so helpful to read – my boyfriend is dealing with depression and it has, at times, had a major impact on our relationship. We are currently doing long distance and almost like clockwork he checks out ever 3-4 months and just gets incredibly low. I can always tell because he gets extremely hard to get a hold of and when I do reach him he alternates between blaming me for aspects of his depression and apologizing for putting me through it. I love him dearly and feel his depressive episodes aren’t at all representative of his true nature. It’s so tough sometimes!
We broke up 3 weeks ago after a very rocky few months due to lockdown.
He pulled away and went days with not speaking and our interactions went from care free to forced and mechanical. On good days he would be the most wonderful, supportive partner who listened to my troubles or celebrated our success.
The worst part of our story was that he didn’t lean on me to tell me how he was feeling but instead leant on another woman (who then fell in love with him). I tried to work through the break in trust even though it hurt to even imagine how much they must have been connected for that level of feeling to develop.
But I stayed through it all because I felt that his depression was at the root of it all.
After another few days of no contact, I called him to ask him if he was okay. He tried to pretend that he was and I asked again. With a pause he admitted that he hasn’t been able to feel anything months and he thinks it was time to call an end to our relationship.
I’ve never experienced an ending that was so sad. He was in tears from beginning to end and kept saying he just couldn’t be with anyone because his life was just not where he wanted it to be. How can you argue with that if you love someone?
I’ve instigated no contact because it feels like my heart has broken. I love(d) every complex layer of him.
But I am struggling with respecting his motives. I’m angry that he took the chance to discuss our options and so worried because I know he is struggling.
I messaged his brother after we broke up, just so there was someone there to check in on him. Even he admitted that my ex was not in the right headspace for a relationship and he was concerned.
Over the past few days he has liked a few social media posts and then unfollowed me. I want to reach out to see if my ex is okay. To test the water and see if we breathe life back in to our relationship. I feel so selfish for even contemplating it but it feels wrong to just stop trying to be supportive.
Hey! My boyfriend is depressed and we took a break in June and it’s now August and he broke up with me I asked him if he still has feelings for me and he said “kind of but there being drowned out by other emotions” “we’re not on a break, we broke up” and “I can’t handle any romantic relationship at the moment” I’m in love with him and I don’t know what to say to get him back. What should I do? We’ve been dating for 6 months friends for 4. Please I just want him back.
Hello lovely Daisy. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I really truly am. It’s such an awful reality to be stuck with. I think the only thing you can do (that will be better for your health, better for his health, and better for any potential future reconciliation) is to focus on your own healing. Try to find peace within yourself and so that in the future when love crosses your path again (be that him or someone else), you are strong and stable and ready for it. Depending on what your own boundaries are, you could let him know that you still love and support him, but respect his need for solitude. Then I think the best path forward is to contact him as little as possible. It sounds like you both need to give each other space, and you can’t do that if you are virtually connected. Best of luck to you and hang in there.
Can I get him back?
So my story:
Was with my ex for 2 years, she’s 27 and lives with her parents.. im 29 live alone about 50 min away.
Things were going great for us until about 2 or 3 weeks ago when she said she felt bad as she didn’t miss me anymore. Said she didn’t feel the same, spark gone and other things so wanted space as she said j was a bit needy too. So i gave her space and was quiet, she then became needy, said she loved me, missed me and afraid of losing me to another girl. The next day she wanted to break up with me as her head wasn’t in it and she wanted a clear break without speaking. That same night she then messaged me to say that shes spoken with her mom and that she will seek help for panic attacks and depression as shes at breaking point and doesnt know why. She said it could be due to being off work for so long as she loves her job and needs structure in her life. Her mom even told me this isn’t the first time shes been like this, and she did something similar to me last year at the exact same time being off work. But she came back after 2 months no contact as she missed me. Last year she never mentioned mental health problems though or went for help. She realises its affected our relationship. She said im going to have to be patient with her, this could take months but she wants to get through it alone as selfish as that sounds and that she would then contact me when shes ready to see where im at in life and of il support her or we go our separate ways.
I told her i would support and understand all the way through in any way i can and I will be there for her. 3 days went by without contact and this past weekend she texted to say she has a doctors appointment which was yesterday and a councelling session on the first of September. She starts work on the 2nd and she thinks once she does she will feel better. She said she just thought she would update me but would speak more once shes been to the doctor. Well that doctors appointment passed and she never mentioned anything about it so im guessing she didnt wanna talk to me about it. 3 days ago it was my birthday and she wished me happy birthday and sent a card. Yesterday she small talked me with a couple of texts, I replied short, not too much and ahe didn’t reply. Today I’ve had nothing at all from her and I’m not sure when I will of i ever will again.
I just dont understand why she sais she will update me, then doesnt… and why she initiates small talk every once in a while… does that mean she still wants me? Its not like she cab easily forget about me as she still has some of my stuff at her house. She knows i love her and want to be there for her. Its her birthday in 3 weeks so I was going to send a card or flowers. Im leaving her alone right now and i dont talk unless she does first. I just dont know how to handle all of this.
About a week ago my husband went into a mental crisis. He threatened me. He blamed me for everything bad in his life. He says he’s more peaceful with out me. He has recently started drinking very heavy. His mother passed away in October and he’s having a hard time with coping and his father has dementia which he refuses to seek treatment for. He says he feels alone. He’s also dealing with untreated mental health traumas he’s just been not been dealing with for years.
It got violent. He kept threatening to kill me if I didn’t leave. He also kept saying things like “idc I want to die I want to be with my mom”. I left that day because I knew no matter what I did or said in support at that moment and even still he believes I’m the problem.
My neighbor saw him and said he’s intoxicated all the time which is how he was coping for a bit anyway. She said his eyes just look void of emotion and his presence is heavy.
I love him.
I love him enough to move on with life if he truly believes I’m the problem. It hurts me to flashback to when he was in crisis and hear how my neighbor describes him because I want him to be healthy not for me but for himself. The relationship isn’t important to me but his well being and health and safety are. I feel helpless because I can’t make him seek treatment or therapy. To him I am the problem and he will not acknowledge any other.
I feel like I just give him time and space. I still drop out daughter off to spend her time with him because I know that he says she’s one of his reasons to keep going. His oldest daughter is there as well.
I feel hopeless but I’m hoping time and space we’ll bring him to a point where he’s at least willing to get help.
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 months sort of long distance, 2 hours apart. When we first started communicating with each other I found out that he had COVID and I pledged to always be available to talk to him during his 2 weeks in quarantine so that it would be fun for him instead of depressing. We FaceTimed everyday and night and we learned so much from each other and we fell in love instantly. He caught COVID from his job at a nursing home taking care of the elderly and he eventually didn’t go back because all his residents were dying and he felt like people weren’t taking care of the residents properly. So in the midst of that we were still head over heels for each other. Fast forward we met each other’s families and they absolutely loved the both of us. I’ve never been valued in a relationship before. He listens to me and he’s patient with me. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl he sees. Things were going so good, but I guess the toll of him not having a job, nor a car and he has a daughter that he doesn’t get to see because of the distance. But I looked past his circumstances now because I know they won’t last forever. He ended up getting a job but he absolutely hated it because it requires him to travel so he ended up leaving it also. But ended up going right back a week afterwards because he needed the money. So 2 weeks ago we had a little disagreement and he broke up with me but we ended up getting back together a day afterwards. So last week while he was on leave for work I noticed that he wasn’t as enthusiastic as he used to be about me. We normally talked on the phone everyday because we barely saw each other due to distance and whenever we would see each other I would drive to him. He started pulling away from me, he would leave me on read or take longer times to reply to me but he would be on social media. He would avoid my calls and he just seemed like he didn’t care about me anymore. So me being me I addressed it and instantly felt like he didn’t want me anymore, but he assured me that nothing was wrong. He apologized but still acted the same way towards me. He even canceled our plans for his birthday that I had been planning for weeks now. His birthday is tomorrow, August 15th. And because he wasn’t honest with me I keep poking at the bear wanting him to talk to me. He eventually said that he was going through a lot and that he felt like he was bringing bad vibes around me and that’s the last thing he wanted to do. He said that he needed space and I was trying to give him that space but whenever I tried to stop texting him he would text me. Eventually I asked him a question about his past and he completely flipped out and took me off of all of his social media accounts and told me to not talk to him again. I pleaded with him and begged him to not do this to our relationship because we both were so deeply in love in the short amount of time. We talked about marriage, kids and relocating on a daily. So for him to leave the relationship that easily hurt me so deeply. I texted him everyday this week since the breakup Monday night and he would respond and he eventually apologized but he said that he does not deserve to be in a relationship with me right now and that he basically needs to get himself together. He let me know that he still loves me but he feels like he doesn’t want to hold me back in life and how I deserve someone who can love me correctly and of course I let him know that he was my other half that God created for me and that no one else could make me as happy as him. He eventually followed me back on social media and we decided to just be friends for right now.. but I realized how selfish I was basically forcing myself back into his life and that wouldn’t help our relationship in the long run but it would only push him away from him. So I’ve decided today that I would give him space and send him books to help with his depression and he agreed. I love him so much and I just wanted to help him in anyway possible and I wanted him to know that he didn’t have to go through this alone. I’m kind of scared for the future because I want him in my future so badly and I don’t want our relationship to end because of this I’ve never experienced a love such as this one. I just wanted to know is me giving him space the best thing for our relationship or should I continue to check up on him during this process?
Tiltomorro I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you so many hugs and piles of support. What a horrible situation to find yourself in, especially in this midst of the other craziness that 2020 has brought. It sounds like you did the right thing to leave. For your sake in particular, but also for his. If he feels like he needs solitude to get healthy, then I think it is the right thing to honor those wishes. Does his have a bit of a support network that will be able to keep an eye on him? I guess your neighbour sounds like they’re checking in? The most important thing you can do now is focus on you and your daughter. I hate to read those feelings of hopelessness and I hate reading how sudden it all seemed to be. My heart goes out to you. There is a wonderful support group over at Depression Fallout Message Board that you might find helpful. I have found it so incredibly helpful for my own mental health these last couple of months as I’ve navigated a new reality of my own.
Our anniversary’s coming up. But we are on a break. What do I do? Should I ask him if he wants to plan something?
How long have you been on a break? What were the reasons behind it? Have you been in contact since?
We’ve been on a break since a week and a half. He says there’s a lot going on on his mind right now- his work tensions and other stuff. Says he likes to be alone with his thoughts. That’s why he wanted a break. We did talk last week and he did say he missed me a lot.
My reco is to not push anything too heavy and take any decision making out of his hands. If you think you can pull it off, tell him you’ll be stopping by with whatever you feel appropriate to celebrate your anniversary.
If it’s me, I’d just let him know I’d be at X place on the night of your anniversary if he’d like to join you. I don’t know if 1.5 weeks is much for the timeline of depression, so it’s best to prepare for the worse.
Thank you for the recommendation! But should I like ask him first if he is interested in doing something on that day or not?
What if he says no? That’s gonna be heart breaking.
No, don’t ask him first. Yes, it could be heartbreaking. Everything about depression is heartbreaking.
Any idea on how to deal with such a heartbreak? I love him a lot and don’t wanna give him up ever.
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I have been following this page and the discussion section for some time already. I think it is now a good time to share my story as it has come to an end.
I had dated my partner for a year. During the past year, we have never fought and I have the impression that we were never upset at each other.
Unfortunately, the pandemic happened and the city we are living at had a lock down. We were living separately for months. And things changed.
During this period, I had a break down over work and I ranted to him. He broke down after me and said that I have worn him down too much (due to my problems) and he needed a time out.
I gave him space and check in with him once in a while. He told me he is sick (depression) and is going through hell. Recently, we reconnected and he told me he feels better now but we can’t go back to what we were.
He told me that if he communicated his feelings to me earlier, he probably would not hit the pit. I honestly didn’t know he was hurting because when he was well, he always put up a positive front and told me how blessed he is to have me by his side.
Well, it’s the end of our relationship. He is well now and have moved on. He left me to pick up the remaining pieces on my own. He admitted that it was unfair to me but “it is what it is and it is how things planned out.”
I’m not sure if I can recover from this. But I guess time heals everything.
Relationship is tiring and I will never want to subject myself to such pain anymore. If you are a Christian reading this, please pray for me and ask God to remove my pain and make me whole again.
Hi Sara,
I am so sorry that you are going through this… I am currently at the giving space stage and… completely broken up not knowing how things will end..
I will pray and ask God to give you strength and to help remove your pain. I pray everyday for this as well.. as I am in so much pain…
Please try your best to surround yourself around your friends and family, I know it’s hard but it helps just to have the presence of loved ones around even if you don’t want to say anything..
I’m going through this ‘giving space’ phase. I’m not sure how it’s gonna end. What do I do to stop overthinking? Will everything be alright?
I am going through the same phase as you.. and I don’t know how to stop overthinking it… It will be two weeks since he left on Thursday..
Hi Sara,
I am really sorry to hear this. You re in my prayers
Similar thing happened to me. I was dating this amazing guy. we live in different cities but only 3 hours drive away. He always came to meet me saying that 3 hour drive is nothing and he would do it a thousand times because I’m worth it.
It was perfect. I was never treated better. He was a true gentleman. He respected me and my comfort was his top priority. He used to say Im too good for him and he sometimes wonder what he has done that he got this much good (me) in his life. We had even talked about getting married (he never formally proposed but we talked about it, he asked questions like will my parents have an issue with him? he even said (talking about marriage) his parents will be surprised how did he find such an amazing woman). he complemented me on things no one has (like my positivity, my courage, my patience)
we had difficulty during the pandemic because of travel restrictions and he was being paranoid as well. this was really bringing him down. he’d ask for space and when I gave it to him he said where was I when he needed me? I should’ve at least checked up on him.
restrictions eases and we were able to meet again. every time I could see pure love in his eyes and smile and he always said he can’t stop looking at me. but when we were apart he said he has a life, work is hectic, he’s going through some family issue and also looking into moving to a different suburb so too much on his mind. we weren’t communicating frequently and couldn’t meet that was frustrating me too.
one day he texts me “we both want different things from the relationship. its unfortunate but it is what it is. he’s sorry but he will be moving on”
I called he didn’t respond. I showered texts didn’t know what’s wrong. he didn’t reply. 4 days later he calls me and says I don’t understand its over and there’s no changing his mind. I don’t understand what giving someone space means. he can’t do it anymore. I did the pleading begging then he blocked me from all social media. no way to contact him
A week later he told a mutual friend he is suffering from depression. My friend tried talking to him and also if the breakup was a reason or depression played a role in the breakup. He told her that he needs to be better to be positive around that friend and strictly asked her not to talk about our relationship with him. she offered him support and tried if he can open up to her but he stopped talking to her too. he just wants to be left alone
What saddens me is his depression and this pandemic ruined it for us. I have never been happier. I have never felt so in love before. we had so many similarities he used to say its scary. we decided beforehand whenever there is a problem, we will talk about it. I have never felt more comfortable with any other guy. I thought I have found the one who understands me
and I am really worried about him. he is cutting everyone off and I can’t just go and hug him and be there for him. I cant text or call him. I can’t even check up on him. he is not letting anyone close. I have never drove for hours to another city but I want to do it for him and see him. but I don’t think its a good idea. he won’t like it.
I am really stressed. don’t know what to do. its been two weeks now. I am thinking of dropping him a text (I’ll use my old phone) in a month if we can be friends but im not too sure. I know talking to him is of no use but I don’t know when will it be of any use. I also feel heartless leaving him like this. I still love him. and you can’t leave a loved one in depression and move on with your life.
I don’t know what to do. please help
Hello people. I needed some help here. My boyfriend of almost a year has changed all of a sudden. He’s having a business but things have not being going on smoothly since the pandemic. He’s facing financial issues and all. He stopped calling and texting me all of a sudden. He says there’s a lot going on in his mind and that he doesn’t feel like talking anymore. He also suggested taking a break from our relationship. I’ve started to feel very anxious and I think I’m overthinking about it a lot. I don’t want it to effect my mental health. And also I’m worried about him.
Is he demanding space? If so, then how do I do it?
My partner packed half his stuff up and left me. We’ve been in a relationship for over 11 years and we have been in small arguments for 2 months. The night before he left, I asked him if I should go to my mother’s to give us some time to be alone (we have lived together for most of our relationship). He pleaded no and that he couldn’t be without me..but fast forward to the next day, while I was out, he packed half his stuff and left a note saying he had to get his stuff out and feels I hate him and he can’t stand it anymore. I was in complete shock upon returning home and couldn’t reach him since he turned off his phone. After a few hours, his phone was back on and he messaged me that he dropped off the car so I told him to give me the keys if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, so he did, but not after saying that now I am the one choosing to breakup with him and kicking him out of our house… This statement left me so confused because he packed up and left! After that, I found out that his family members are ill and he has to be there for them and take care of them (he was never close to them prior) and that he no longer wants to be a bad son, brother, grandson, and person. I tried to ask him about us and he said that he doesn’t know how he feels anymore but doesn’t want to focus on it as he has to take care of his family. I’m not sure what to do anymore, its been over a week now and he goes hot and cold with me. He said he needs time to think but when I give him time by not txting as often or just answering him when he txts me, he says I’m extremely cold to him and h’s been trying to reach out. So then I try to warm up and talk to him and he’ll either respond later or his answers are short and vague. He’s expressed that he feels extremely depressed and stressed so I am not trying to pressure anything from him. I just want to know if he still wants to work on us and whether or not he wants our relationship. I want to know if I should just stop trying to fight for us because he doesn’t want it or not. I’m in so much pain and am so confused… I don’t know what is going through his mind or how to act. He still messages me and tells me everything and is vulnerable with me… but is it because he’s just use to me or does he still want to work on us. I’m confused and don’t know what to do and everyday it gets harder and harder. He talks to me like nothing is wrong but yet, has said he doesn’t want to come home for awhile (no real timeline). I love him so I am still here and supporting him but if he doesn’t love me anymore, I also don’t want him to string me along.. I don’t know what to do..
My boyfriend left me because of his depression.
We have never fought. One day, he said I broke him. He said that he cannot deal with my negativity when I spiral (I am quite a depressed person).
I am really broken. I don’t understand how he could leave me during my lowest and he blamed it all on me. He has no idea the impact of his words.
He asked for space. I gave him. However, I have noticed irregular activities on his social media. I have a gut feeling that he is cheating on me.
Recently, we connected. He has been hot and cold towards me. Takes forever to reply or ignore me totally.
Does a depressed person have the capacity to pursue another relationship?
Alicia,
If depression is at play, pursuit of another relationship as defined by we healthy partners is probably a long shot. This very site contains some great perspective on this. Sufferers often attach their “pain” to the outside world and their current relationships. What better way to get rid of the pain than to get rid of the old and find something new. In my particular case, my partner ended up moving 500 miles away at the expense of her job, the majority of her family and her few close friends.
The problem is, “wherever they go, there they are.” So, it seems depressed Xs often search out something new, but he or she is still carrying the same baggage. It’s really only a matter of time until it impacts the “new” relationship.
One caveat here, and you may not want to read this, but you say you are quite a depressed person. If I knew then what I know now, it would be very hard for me to enter into a relationship with someone who deals with uncontrolled depression. You may need to ask yourself if your boyfriend left because of his depression or yours. When my X ended things via a simple cold text and then refused to have any more contact, I became something I didn’t even recognize. I wouldn’t knowingly subject myself to that pain ever again.
My depressed partner promised to reach out once he gets better after his release from the psych clinic..he immediately blocked me after telling me that..I acted needy afterwards and he stone walled me..he blocked every number i used to text him.. it’s been 5 months and i feel broken and numb,,I’m in pain and I’m losing myself since we are expecting a child together but seemingly he doesn’t care anymore and wants to be alone. He says it’s over for now and he wants to focus on himself..please depressed people,,,stop hurting us,, we are human too and as much as we’d wish to understand you please stop breaking us apart 🙁
Alicia, your phrase “I don’t understand how he could leave me during my lowest and he blamed it all on me” hit me hard. My Gf left me during quarantine when i was at my lowest, i am not usually depressed but during that time because i live alone in a foreign country with no friends and family, she was the only thing i had an because of corona i could not see her and was feeling very lonely and depressed in my house and that’s when she decided to break up with me because she could not be there for me and blamed me for making her more depressed, blamed all her problems on me to the point she ended things with a phone call, screaming at me and humiliating me then deleted me from her life completely and never even got the chance to see her again, i was completely shattered (goes without saying she had depression well before being my gf)
Cooper, you are so right by saying they leave to search for something new and not realizing that the problem is from within hence “carrying the same baggage” and jt will certainly impact all of their relationships. My partner just like yours moved away, she left the country, hell she left the continent. And that is not the first time she does it because of a relationship, you’d think by now she would realize what the problem is and that this is not the solution. But there is not much we can do about their behavior
Hi Charles, Alicia – I so feel your pain when it comes to the quarantine bit, or simply being left at one’s lowest…sending you massive hugs! Basically, this is what happened to me…! My boyfriend of 3.5 years has spiralled into depression this year and simply since April has been putting so little effort into our relationship, barely any presence or emotional support I needed more than ever (and we had to live separately during lockdown), which has culiminated in him asking for space over a month ago. Haven’t seen him or heard from him since. Disappeared in a blink of an eye, leaving me feeling even more isolated, grieving so many things, desperate. Not only my favourite person in the world has changed into someone I do not recognise, but also left me in the midst of this pandemic without family and friends around. Also an expat here, so the trauma of the relationship breakdown has been exacerbated by quarantine and its devastating consequences for human support. I hope that you know you are not alone, we have been together in this and my thoughts are honestly with you…!
One thinks in the immediate aftermath, how dare they?! And then you realise, by reading up some of our stories on here as well, that they are simply mentally ill and it is easy for this disease just to take over to the extent when they cannot see beyond their fog. My boyfriend told me a month ago he was ‘feeling joyless’ and ‘numb’, it takes away a great deal of, if not all, empathy from them. It helps to process all of this, that it is this distorted mind making them act like this rather than them deliberately trying to hurt us. As freaking horrible as it is.
Cooper, also agree that I don’t think I would actually date anyone with a history of untreated depression. It’s a very likely recipe for disaster.,.at the same time, it doesn’t help that your partner – Alicia – was depressed themselves – I was the healthy partner in my relationship and I would not leave my boyfriend on the spot after having invested a lot in him, if he showed me that he was willing to attempt treatment.
On the new relationship bit? Again, to echo Cooper – it’s just a matter of time before the next couplehood is uncoupled. Depression destroys the best of relationships. Just read some of the stories people share here…it’s heartbreaking.
MsBIGPetite, how are you going? I’m at about the month mark too with no contact and I think I need to let go of the hope that he’ll miraculously return and the depression will be gone and it will never come back again. I think that’s a naive thing to hope for isn’t it.. I’m going to send him a letter this week. It explains how hard I found the last few months, but how much our relationship meant to me and how excited I was for the future we had planned. And that I was 100% committed to fighting that battle with him and that he really broke my heart. But then I say goodbye at the end and that feels scary. I know saying goodbye won’t change how broken I am feeling, but maybe it will force me to stop thinking so much about a reunion. Because I will have said goodbye. I don’t know 🙁
Dear LK – nice to hear from you, wow, both of us at the exactly same stage…everything that you have described in terms of hope and closure is hovering over in my head too. Feel like I’m on a rollercoaster here, sometimes feeling numb about the whole thing (I’m sure it’s my body’s natural response to ease the trauma), on other occasions pure despair. How are you coping?…When despairing I’m certainly also going through some sort of a foolish bargaining act in my head that there will be a miracle thinking he’ll somehow come back to me saying he’s on meds and started therapy. What complicates things in my situation is that he asked for space and did not break up as he said himself – I don’t know if I should trust this at all though, depressed people don’t make sense. I don’t want to hope forever either no matter how insignificant my hope is, and contacting him to close things off has also crossed my mind, to help myself get rid of that hope and start healing more quickly. Right now though, I just feel so raw I cannot face sending him anything, even a thought of sending in a text to check in makes me feel sick, I feel paralysed 🙁 I think the content of your letter sounds so on the spot…tears me up a bit because this is what I would have written. I am so sorrry about what happened to you too. In your case, he clearly broke it off, right? That makes the situation clearer from his end, theoretically does this help to issue the letter…ultimately, I think it’s a personal decision when and if someone wants to write such message, I talked to my dad and he told me he wouldn’t bother and he would just put an end to it in his head. Not everyone is like this though. My rational brain is telling me it is something that needs to happen sooner or later for both of us to get the closure, as we both seem to be thinking about it 🙁
Is there anyway to contact you msbigpetite? I’m an expat as well in the same situation.
Hi Alex! I’m so, so sorry to hear this, I know what you are going through on the expat level as well! Yes, let’s chat – shall we use the private messaging function on the Depression Fallout Message Board – by the way, you should visit the board if you haven’t already…amazing virtual support group https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/. Hope to speak to you there?
I really need help with my situation since I don’t know what to do.. we only dated for a month but he was the one for me and I’m willing to go through everything to be with him. A little background.. he’s had family issues and got cheated by his ex and he’s been depressed for a year. And he’s been seeing therapist too.( when we started dating, he said he’s almost at the end of session of therapy) anyway The first three weeks, everything was so perfect till last week, he said his anti depressants aren’t working anymore and his behavior started to change. He started to avoid everyone and always stay in bed and doesn’t eat well. He tried to open up to me whenever he feels like talking but his change of behavior scared me and I was so anxious too to handle the situation well. He started to tell me he’s confused about us and himself and then two days ago, he broke up with me saying he’s not feeling right about us anymore also because I said that I felt like the person I liked was gone ..I didn’t say much because I was scared and having panic attack, I only said goodbye and that I’m sorry that I couldn’t make him feel better…
We didn’t talk ever since then but I want him to know that I’m still here for him no matter what but too scared to text him since it might annoy him but then what if he thinks I’m not there for him when he’s depressed
Should I text him or should I wait. Since it’s been only two days.. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do..
I need help.. I’m breaking…before reading this some days I knew I had faith in us other days I COUKDNT BELIEVE IT WAS REAL. A little background… we have been married 17 years 6 kids 5 live with us 1 was addicted to opiates and adopted out while the first three lives with family yes I know I was horrible. I had hip replacements n many other surgeries. We eventually gave up and both dove in to addiction but enough was enough and on March 7 2016 I spent my first day deciding to get sober and March 21 2017 our first son his Jr was born which was also his 1 year sobriety date. If that isn’t a message from above. A few months later we fough and got our kids back after 8 year long addiction. We overcame a house fire prostitution homeless jail cheating lies and always loved each other never left everyone always wished they had our love. It may sound unhealthy and it was but it’s been 15 years since we’ve cheated now besides what I did to get what we needed which wasn’t much. But we never counted that. We got the first three back and found out his uncle and his uncles son where they had lives had been molesting tazing and starving beating u name it for years they are in jail now but what a kick in the gut. The younger two have major issues adhd ptsd odd fight a lot don’t listen very messy he got so upset n my guilt made me buy so much blow money I didn’t have and argue with him and then his dad died. That was it. It’s been two years. We got married in his dads birthday. For about 3 or 4 months before I had him leave he’s been saying it’s not me it’s the kids and his depression I slept in my bed he slept on couch his dad always cane up tears followed. Girls didn’t care tears screaming begging nothing. We also have the adopted one back in our life she is here now for the weekend 9 years old. He came to bed for intimate times once a month but really it was just becuz he quit smoking I didn’t and I had the kids in here it wasn’t a lack of love but some things he has said now makes me think maybe he thot it was. One day a switch flipped he didn’t wanna be near me he wouldn’t kiss me he didn’t care how much I cried or begged he would do what he wanted didn’t care what I said and kept telling me he had to get away for awhile it got so hard I ended up telling him if that was the case then go now. That was so dumb now he is comfortable at his moms and I’m with the kids alone and can’t leave him alone he says he loves me in the beginning he told me it wasn’t me it was him later he said it was me then it wasn’t then he tried to justify it by bringing up the past but he says things about how we’ve always overcame everything. I can’t turn off the tears. I have him in counseling but his job is more important to him he feels like a failure says he is worthless and he don’t deserve us he should have a career not a job. I told him he can’t tell me what I deserve. We finally can have it all and he is killing me and I feel like he don’t care and that’s why I can’t leave him alone. He keeps telling me to calm down all he needs is time I can’t bring myself to stop I give him everything he needs I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do what’s best for him. What will bring him back to us. How can I stop crying… we have another little boy to 5 kids here we need him.
Hi all,
I realise this is quite an old thread, but I really hope someone can relate to what I’m going through and possibly offer some advice! I also didn’t realise how common this occurred, and that there were other heartbroken people out there, where their former partners showed similar symptoms.
Anyway, my now ex-boyfriend and I have dated for around 4 years, and have been through some pretty rough periods (of stress, depression and loss). Last week, completely out of the blue, we went from seeing each other everyday for 3 years to him just saying he couldn’t do it anymore/ be in a relationship..
He has dealt with depression before and has said in the past few days/ week, he is not feeling himself and is in a constant state of stress and anxiety. I have a pretty full on life with being a full time med student and working weekends, so the time we spend together is only a few hours at night.
When he broke up with me, it was so cold and heartless, which is nothing like he is. He is the sweetest person I’ve ever been with and we’ve planned our future together including marriage and kids. Both of our families and friends adore us together and think we truly make each other the happiest we’ve ever been. Of course, I know this and he knew this, but it seems like something just clicked within a day and he just cant see it. He says he still loves me but is just not himself. I am heartbroken beyond belief and I want to be with him no matter what (which may be selfish).
Ive agreed to give him a couple weeks no contact and space to try, where I’ve pretty much asked for us to try again and move past it, which he doesn’t seem to want. Has anyone gone through something similar and come out the other side happy? I love this man so much and I know he loves me more than anyone in the world. His friends believe he is pushing me away to try not to hurt me, but I want to support him through this whilst also accepting him needing space.
Thanks
Charlie, I hear you. And I believe you when you say it was out of the blue and sudden. My partner of 4.5 years (that I’ve lived with for 2 years) walked out on me 2 weeks ago and I’m still shell shocked. It feels completely surreal. I’m heartbroken as well. We had talked baby names, wedding locations and were planning to buy a house next year. And then one day he just said he couldn’t see a future with me anymore and walked out. He said he had felt things were off for a couple of weeks (only a couple of weeks!) and he couldn’t shake the feeling. He’d also been on sick leave from his stressful job for a couple of weeks and I felt like it wasn’t coincidence that he felt confused about us at the exact same time he got diagnosed with depression and had to take time off work . I begged him to take some space and time to think things through. I said we had so much worth fighting for but he just said that he couldn’t think of anything we could “work on” and so there was no point trying. He was very numb / empty sounding when he left. Didn’t show much emotion.
I have been so worried about him because no one knew about his depression apart from me (he never told his family or friends) so I let a few of our mutual friends know so that they could check up on him. I haven’t tried to reach out and he hasn’t contacted me either. 4.5 perfect years and I haven’t heard a peep. I’m more shattered than I thought possible. I felt so safe. So secure. So loved and adored.
He was diagnosed with depression for the first time about 2 months ago and was gradually becoming distant. I never thought our relationship would be in the firing line though, and was confident that he would get through it. I can’t really offer any happy thoughts at the moment except to say that I have been obsessively reading this site and I’m gradually starting to believe that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. What I can say is that I believe you when you say it was sudden. It’s been important for me to have people believe me when I say it was like a switch. I’ve felt strangely humiliated at the thought of friends thinking “oh they must have been having issues”. Which is silly because it doesn’t matter what other people think. But my emotional brain in turmoil and not thinking straight. We weren’t having issues. We were battling this illness but we were doing it together. And then suddenly we weren’t anymore.
I’m so sorry for what is happening to you. I hope your man is able to find a clearing in the fog and make his way back to you.
Charlie…I’m sorry you had to end up here looking for answers. Unfortunately, your story and your feelings are all too common for those of us dealing with the fallout from a partner dealing with depression.
I wish I could tell you this will be easy, but it will not. Frankly, my experience has been the hardest and most painful event of my life. The ending of my relationship came so unexpectedly, I think I went into almost a shock and definitely some denial. I kept hoping it was just one of those vivid dreams from which you wake and hug your pillow glad it wasn’t real. I’m now about 7 months past our ending and still struggle quite a bit with things. Frankly, pandemic isolation makes it even harder to find opportunities to get my mind off of things.
One thing I’ve learned through my research is that when they ask for space, give it to them. It seems depression often leaves the sufferer unable to truly hold up his or her side of the relationship, and the guilt of that just fuels the depression. Escaping from the relationship often seems to be a key step in the healing process. I have to believe this is the mind’s way of dealing with something that is too painful to process. The more the sufferer is pushed, the angrier and more withdrawn her or she becomes.
If he won’t accept your support, I think all you can do is wait for him to heal or begin to move on. Their is no timetable for the former and the latter is just hard to do. You’ll see this in many places by many posters, but I would not wish what you and I are experiencing on our worst enemy.
If his friends say he is pushing you away, does that mean they know he is suffering from depression? If he’s talking to his friends about it I think that makes him more likely to get help. From what I’ve read on here, if the depressed person refuses to seek treatment then they will continue to do this to you again and again. It seems that that’s the key component in making a difference is whether they get better. I completely understand where your coming from as my situation seems the same. It’s also a good sign that he has shown in the past that he can make it through stressful situations with you and he’s not bailing the first one that comes up. I would say if he’s not willing to stay together then give him a month no contact to see if this has lifted at all and if it changes his opinion, he’s had time to miss you. If you don’t get a response then he’s probably sunken deeper into the depression and for everyone the timeline is different. This is what I’ve told myself I’m going to do anyways, and if after a month I send a short nice I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing well message and I don’t get a response I’m going to move on the best I can, stop preoccupying my time reading about depression and worrying about his mental health. He has to take care of it and get better on his own and unfortunately there’s nothing we can do to force his hand in that
Dear Charlie…I believe you. I have just gone through something almost identical and I feel every single strand of your pain. My heart honestly goes out to you. My beloved boyfriend of 3.5 years has suddenly announced for what is now over a month ago that he “needed space” after a few months of growing distant, cold, emotionless, sad and less and less interested in anything to do with life. I thought it was a temporary “mood” to do with his job which he hates. We were meant to get engaged this year and were planning to buy a house after what has been a blissful 3 years – I love him more than anything and cannot imagine a life without him. He’s the sweetest man I’ve been with. And one day he just said to me he wasn’t feeling himself and couldn’t deal with the pressure of our relationship, and that he needed his space for an undefined period of time…I’m shell-shocked, even more so that it has been now such a long time since I’ve spoken to him or seen him – basically, radio silence for the last few weeks. I wanted to respect his wishes for space though (would advise you to do the same, it helps them), so haven’t pursued contact…still in limbo here. There are some days when I feel it’s over as it’s been so long now, other days when I still feel some hope. I know I can’t stuck like this forever.
I think it is fair to want to give your boyfriend some space to figure his head out, especially given you have been from what you are saying an amazing couple beforehand. If he comes back, he needs to show to you that he will be/is seeking treatment…it can be hard as it is with depression with meds/therapy which don’t always work, imagine this left untreated. Life from hell and cycles of more of the same as it is likely to come back if someone is predisposed…it’s difficult to determine a timescale of how long you should wait for him (I’m in the very same boat…). It differs from case to case as to when they come back, but if it goes on for too long I think there will be time where we would need to move on for the sake of our own mental wellbeing…and even when they do come back – one has to face the very real possibility that they may run off one day again if treatments are not working.
Sending you lots of love and warmest of wishes x x x
Ligit the same for me.
My now ex said he had depression he felt he wouldnt be the man i deserve. We were still together for a month after he said that.
He broke up with me. He still loves me. But he says he cannot give me a happy future. I said this is the depression. Did you only start to feel like this with your depression? He said yes. We are still on good terms.
He is like its over. But i know me and you will meet up for coffee soon. But was higging me and kissing my head when i cried at the break up. Mixed signals. All confusing
My boyfriend and I were only together for a year but I finally understand the meaning of when you know, you know. The most caring, affectionate, attentive person I have ever met. He was nicer to me than anyone has ever been and we just clicked SO well with amazing chemistry. The story of how we met is out of a fairytale and we were completely enamored with each other from the very start. Our families like each other, they all thought we were so good together. I am absolutely crazy about him. I am about to turn 28 and he 30. We have been living together since the start of quarantine, he has told me that he struggles with severe depression before. He has never seen anyone about it because he is embarrassed and ashamed. He also has anxiety caused by almost every gf he’s been with cheating on him and previous girlfriends telling him his emotions are weak and unattractive. I cannot believe someone would say anything like that to the most wonderful human I have ever encountered and it kills me.
He struggles with ED and low sex drive….he says he thinks he’s disgusting and how could I want to do that with him and all he can think when we’re being intimate is how I must not be enjoying it. He has also said multiple times that he thinks I am too attractive for him which is not true at all. Every time it happens he has a panic attack and I have been there for him 100%. He says that I’m going to leave him, please don’t leave, that I shouldn’t have to deal with him, etc. and I have always been patient and held him and told him “I got you, I would never hurt you, this is NOT your fault, I would never leave, you are so valuable to me for so many other things and I’m not going anywhere” when we had been dating for a few months he told me, “I am worried I am incapable of being happy, my entire life has been like a dark house and you came into my life and lit up one of the rooms so bright, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me” He told me he loved me first, that he wants to be with me forever all the time. That he loves my intelligence, making me laugh etc. I feel so misled. I saw the signs of depression, he stopped taking care of himself, the apartment, all of his plants died. I was taking care of him and making all the meals every day but I did not mind it at all, I thought he was depressed just like I was due to the situation, I had no idea how serious it was.
We were looking for places to move in together and it was extremely tense. We had never once fought and I couldn’t understand why there was so much tension around this subject. Then one night he just blurts out, I can’t move in with you, the two other times I’ve lived with a significant other we broke the lease a few months in because I am miserable to live with and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with anyone and I need you to move out. Of course I lost it a little. No screaming or cussing or doing anything physical of course but I was just beside myself. I said so you’re saying you’re not relationship material if you can NEVER live with someone? What are you saying to me? He really clung to that statement. I’m making 2/3 of my normal salary rn due to Covid and moving back with my parents is not an option because my dad is immunocompromised and he knows that. I felt completely screwed over by the one person I have ever trusted not to hurt me. I was in such complete shock. I would never do anything to hurt him. He was just telling his parents a few weeks ago what a wonderful roomate I have been. We listened to a podcast about Covid breakups and he said I am so glad you have been so easy to live with and get along with, thank you. He also has said “if I were alone here I would really be struggling, I am so glad I have you with me during this time” and I completely agreed. When I pointed these things out he seemed so detached from having said those things, he said, I thought it would get better. When I said he flipped a switch suddenly on me he said “it hasn’t felt suddenly to me” which hurts. He was always the one progressing things forward, he suggested getting me a key, we had a talk about his lease, etc. Now he was saying things like we moved in too fast for him but he was afraid to say anything? I have been nothing but completely compassionate and caring to his issues which he agrees with. He also said he’s felt smothered recently and like he can’t be independent. I told him all of these issues are situational due to quarantine and could have easily been solved if he just communicated his needs and he said I know I’m terrible at communicating I always have been.
From that fight on he was so robotic and distant the next day he told me that I am right he is not relationship material and can’t handle a relationship right now. Seeing me taking care of him is making it worse. He needs to fix his depression on his own and do it for himself. I asked him haven’t I always stuck by him and shown him I wouldn’t leave him for his depression or anxiety? He said yes, that I am by far the best person he has dated and this is the best relationship he’s ever had and he still thinks that I’m the one for him. That I did absolutely nothing wrong and he’s sorry he’s so broken. I asked him if he ever did want to work on things in a relationship would I be the person he would want to? And he said absolutely. I am not interested in anyone else and I don’t want a relationship at all right now. I asked how he could flip a switch and take away my favorite person. How could he be so cold and robotic towards me I didn’t understand. He seemed very hurt by me saying that. He said he gets overwhelmed from emotions and he just shuts down, and he can understand how that can come across as robotic. He also admitted he struggles a lot with empathy. He promised me he was going to start seeing a therapist, but it would take him time to get out of his depression. He said he doesn’t know what he wants, if he’ll ever be able to handle a relationship, he doesn’t want to tell me to wait for him, but that doesn’t mean that’s not what he wants, and seeing me with someone else would devastate him.
It’s so many mixed signals. We cried together and cuddled and recently before I moved out he started kissing me again. He went on a camping trip with our mutual friends and didn’t say a word to anyone, just told them I had to work and he came back and said he missed me and thought about me and all the things that he likes about living with me. Yet he has been avoiding me as much as possible and staying away from the apartment. I told him that limbo is absolute mental torture, to please either just tell me it’s over and it’s okay for me to move on and find someone else or at least contact me so I’m not in the dark for weeks on end thinking he left me for someone else. He said he’ll “try his hardest” but he cannot promise anything. Then he started doing so many drugs and not coming home or staying away from the apartment as much as possible….I can tell it’s a problem he hid from me for our relationship. I felt so betrayed. How is that taking care of yourself or wanting to get better? I also found a note he wrote himself when I was clearing out my stuff after his last break up that listed all of his problems. He knew and he did this to me anyways. He took me down with him even though I treated him amazingly. He also deleted his social media which he has never done before and that scares me. Like he is just trying to disappear. I stopped talking to him for the last few days I was there. On the last day, he came in to tell me to have a good day as he left for work, and I ran out and hugged him. I went to let go and he held me tighter and said “thank you” I left him a letter with the key to his apartment. I also left a note saying I know he cannot process emotional or heavy things, so not to read the letter until it was the right time. I am so lost and heartbroken and empty. All I can do is compulsively read about depression and comment threads like these and wonder if I’ll ever hear from him again. This is the worst thing I have ever gone through. It’s the only way I feel connected to him.
reading all of these posts helps and doesn’t help but it at least gives me something to relate to. my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago out of nowhere. to give some background we had only been dating for 7 months starting at the end of our freshman semester in the fall. we both went to the same college where we had met but he lives in CT and i live in NJ/DE. my life with him was perfect it seemed. i realized he had depression right before we began dating when he had a panic attack in my car and released every emotion he was feeling and shared with me all his struggles and how these panic attacks had been happening for years but had recently become more and more frequent. i was his first serious girlfriend and the first person he told his problems to and admitted he needed help to. i urged him to tell his family which he finally did over our winter break. he told me that he came to our college in NY to try and reinvent himself since he only had 2 high school friends, he is so kind and sweet but extremely introverted. before he met me he tried to “fit in” and cope with his depression by going out on the weekends and blacking our sometimes missing class as a result and his gpa suffered. when we met i asked him to stop doing this since i usually picked him up after and he slept over my dorm every night. he did and even began asking me to pick him up early from a party because he would rather be with me at my dorm cuddling and watching netflix. he visited me over winter break and i had plans to visit him over spring break which all happened but my visit was cut short by covid. he was working so hard the spring semester to bring his grades up so that he could keep his scholarship and continue at our school. he told me he was staying at our college because of me, he never made any friends of his own there but he wanted to stay there because of me. i didn’t see him for about 2 months after my spring break visit because of covid but we snap chatted texted and facetimed everyday, a constant line of communication was there. after i left for spring break he also began to get help which i was so proud of him for and happy. he began seeing a therapist and taking medication. after that started however i felt the problems that he talked to me about before morphed into me causing them which hurt especially when i couldn’t do much when he had a panic attack over facetime only offer my support from the phone. he finally visited me for 10 days and they were the best days and i constantly think about them. he was so happy to see me and i was so happy. he had one minor panic attack during the visit but otherwise everything was well. he left so sad to go and promising we’d see each other soon. our constant virtual contact continued and we made plans for me to come visit him 4th of july week. but 2 weeks after he left and 2 weeks before i was to visit everything crumbled. he had been talking about getting a tattoo which i didn’t necessarily like and we discussed it but he told me that i didn’t love him for him if i wouldn’t like him with the tattoo which i had never said. he told me he couldn’t do the relationship anymore at the time but maybe when we went back to school in august if he was in a better place we could try again. the next day we spoke he said actually he was transferring and maybe we could be friends. 2 weeks after i texted him needing answers since we continued to snapchat but he wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. he wouldn’t call me said he couldn’t and that he didn’t think we could be friends because i had hurt him too much and we probably wouldn’t see each other ever again. now we still snapchat but i am afraid to do anything else. my own mental and physical health has deteriorated and i’m trying to continue but i think about him constantly and how fast he changed into a different person. that the day he broke up with me he was still so happy and in love with me and missed me so much and couldn’t wait to see me in a few weeks and wanted me to be happy to that he couldn’t talk to me or have any relationship with me. i know he still cares and loves me and i hope he can fight his depression and be happy again. i don’t know what caused the sudden change whether or it quarantine, the medication, the therapy or a combination but i know he’s doing as best as he can and he’s already made the strides to get help i can only hope he continues. i sincerely hope he didn’t mean that i caused his problems and we can be friends at the least again. sorry this is so long but i am still beyond heartbroken. if anyone needs to talk i am here for you.
Hi there, I need some advise.
Recently, my depressed partner, who had shut me out of his life, started responding to my texts.
He is seemingly feeling better. However, he takes forever to response to me. I could see that he is online but he wouldn’t reply me. All this while, he has only been cold to me and he would put on a strong front towards other people.
It seems like he is using me a an emotional punching bag. I don’t know what I should do? Continue to let him do whatever he wants? Or should I draw the boundaries clear?
I’ve been desperately reading this blog trying to will myself into believing that my recent abandonment wasn’t my fault. My partner walked out on me last week without warning. We had a strong and stable relationship. We barely fought and if we did it was about very very minor things . We moved overseas together twice. We have been living together for almost 2 years. We had openly talked about marriage and kids right up until the last week. We were planning on buying a house together this year. The Covid lockdown hadn’t caused any friction between us and he often commented on how he loved working from home because we got to spend more time together. I felt so loved and so safe and so secure.
He was diagnosed with depression for the first time about 6 weeks ago. It runs in his family and his stress levels at work had gotten out of control. We knew things weren’t “normal” because he had lost his appetite, wasn’t sleeping, was crying often, had no libido, etc. He was quick to agree that he needed help and he started seeing a therapist. He took a month off work and was diagnosed with depression. Things were a bit strange these last few weeks (since the diagnosis he became emotionally distant and he was not very affectionate) but I never really felt insecure because I believed it was temporary. The one time I spoke to him about his emotional withdrawal a couple of weeks ago he assured me it was nothing to do with me. He said he was sorry I was sad and that I never had to worry because he loved me so much. Then one day last week he woke up and said he couldn’t see a future with me anymore and he wanted out. I begged him to just take space and not make a rash decision. A few days later we caught up and he said he didn’t see the point in trying because he didn’t think we were compatible anymore. He said he’d only been feeling this way for a few weeks but that he couldn’t shake it and didn’t think there wasn’t any point trying to work it out. I said he could take as much space and time as he needed but he didn’t want to try. So I told him I loved him so much and I let him go.
I am devastated and I don’t understand what has happened. We haven’t communicated at all since he left, but I was expecting to have heard from him by now. I just can’t understand what has happened. I have all the evidence (and a diagnosis) that this is depression at play, but I can’t wrap my head around it. How can depression act so swiftly? Wouldn’t I have been able to see this coming? Was I not supportive enough? How could he love me one day and abandon me the next? How did this happen? What did I do wrong?
You can’t blame yourself for your partner’s illness, which is what it is. In the same vein, you did nothing wrong but try to be a supportive partner. As is noted throughout this site, depression manifests itself in illogical actions. Trying to make sense of it will tie you up in knots. Until your partner is ready to address his issues, it will be a struggle.
I encourage you to step back for awhile, and give him time to heal. But, do not blame yourself, because that’s not fair to you and disrepects the awful illness that is depression.
Thank you Cooper. I keep flipping between thinking “yes this is depression and you can’t and won’t understand it so just let it be” and “this is unrelated to depression which means he wasn’t who you thought he was”. I.e. he’s either sick or he just never loved me the way I thought he did.
But I think from what I am reading on this site, it’s almost impossible to disentangle depression from other aspects of your life. Is that right?
I have stepped back though and I hope he is healing – I was so worried about him. I don’t even know if he’s still seeing his therapist though. His appetite returned a couple of weeks ago and I think he took that as a sign that he was better. I haven’t reached out but I did inform a couple of mutual friends to make sure they check up on him (we don’t have a huge support network here because we only moved to the country recently). I’ve rearranged my furniture and am trying to focus on myself but the feelings of abandonment are so strong and raw.
Nuts my reply just deleted!
Thank you Cooper. There is something strangely calming about having someone I don’t know say these things.
My mind flips between saying “This is depression at play so stop trying to understand it” and “This is separate to the depression – he just didn’t love me the way I thought he did”. But I think maybe this site and others are helping me realise that you can’t disentangle depression from everything else? Is that right?
I am stepping back and trying so hard to focus on myself and just get through one day at a time. I’m so deeply grieving for what we had and what I thought we were going to have though. I haven’t reached out and I won’t reach out, but I did inform a few mutual friends so that they could check up on him. We don’t have a huge support network here because we only moved to this country a year ago.
My boyfriend of 9 months suddenly ended it last week by phone. The previous weekend we had been together, laughing and living as normal. We are both in our early 60’s and he lost his wife 2 years ago. When we met last year, everything just clicked with us and the chemistry was off the scale. He talked about having bad days now and again but he was fully committed to finding a long term partner and he convinced me I was the one.
Then came the phone call. He said he was a sad, confused, depressed man and felt like he could offer nothing further to me. It broke my heart when he said he wanted me to be free to find that ‘happy ever after’ with someone else as he knew he was unable to give it to me. He sounded cold and emotionless. From what I read, leaving a partner is common in depressed people but I don’t see mention of them encouraging the partner to ‘move on and find the love of your life, as it isn’t me’. Is this a common thing? I was heartbroken. 2 days later he texted me to say he was so very sad, was missing me and just wanted to stroke my hair and say he was sorry. When I communicated back how happy his words made me, he backed off again. I am so confused. The days he contacts me are getting further apart now. Any advice on this situation so welcome.
As incomprehensible as it is, this is all too common. Our depressed partners often don’t love themselves, so how can they love someone else? Their thinking, from their depressed mindset, is that how could anyone love them? If someone does love me, her or she must be ill, because no one would should want to love me.
I recall my X looking at the mirror cursing herself for how “ugly” she was. This was heartbreaking for me to hear.
I must admit, scrolling through a lot of these stories/situations last night left me feeling really down. The hope that I had for my own relationship suddenly vanished and I started to think negatively, causing anxiety and deep sadness. It was that thought of “my story is similar to theirs, therefore mine will have the same outcome” that got me feeling really down. But then I got out of bed this morning and I had an epiphany – while we can relate to others’ stories and either find comfort or discomfort in them, ultimately all of our stories are different. Somebody else’s story does not define our own, we have to remember that.
I’d love to share my own story/current situation with the hope that it will allow someone to possibly relate and find comfort. Just keep in mind that this is my story, it does not mean that all of these things will happen to you. Any advice or comfort that you may have for me and my situation would also be appreciated. Whether our situations are similar or different, we are all in this together 🙂
So my boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 8 years. On and off because we have broken up twice – a 3 month break up after being together for 2 years and then a year long break up shortly after that (we realised getting back together after the first break up was a mistake, we both hadn’t healed). Both break ups were initated by him due to his crazy work schedule which made me unhappy and they were both extremely hard, but by the end of the second break up, I was finally able to start accepting it was over for good. But the universe works in mysterious ways, and once I accepted we were done, he came back into my life. We had grown, our break ups had made us stronger and this time round we were serious. Back together for 5 years and marriage was even on the cards for us. Then 2 months ago, out of the blue, he burst into tears. He told me he was scared that we had come to our end. I was confused and shocked to say the least, our relationship had been so strong, so why out of nowhere was he saying this? He then admitted that he was feeling sad and was struggling to sometimes even feel any emotions, although he said he still loved me. He wanted to break up, but I managed to convince him (not easily) not to make such a rash decision and take some time to think and talk to other people first as this was something he was clearly bottling up. He ended up realising he was in fact going through depression and had been for a very long time, he just hadn’t admitted it to himself and was really good at ignoring it. His friends thankfully ended up convincing him that breaking up was not the answer, especially when he was feeling the way he was because he would probably end up regretting it in the long run. He took their advice and told me he just needed space because seeing me made him feel guilty he couldn’t give me any love or emotion. He also decided to start seeing a psychologist.
I gave him his space and we didn’t see each other or really speak for a month. It was extremely hard for me in the beginning, this person who I spent every night with and texted every day had become a stranger. I took it personally and hated that he didn’t even want to talk to me. After a month passed, we ended up seeing each other at our friends’ housewarming party. He hugged and kissed me, but said he was still feeling really sad. To my surprise, he asked to see me the next day. We met up and he just seemed so empty, but he explained his situation to me more clearly and I was able to get a better understanding of why he was acting the way he was. I knew he still needed his space, but I also knew that for us to have a chance, I couldn’t be fully cut out like before. I spoke to him about this and we agreed he’d send me a quick text every day to let me know how he is feeling, so I wouldn’t stress and we could also try and meet up every week.
This has now been our new normal for the last few weeks and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There have been days where I have seen him and he’s been his old self, incredibly loving and wanting to spend time with me, and there have been days where he has been distant and would rather be alone. He also recently admitted that there have been days where he has wanted to end things between us, but knows he has only wanted to do that because that would be easier.
I guess I find comfort in the fact that he doesn’t want to take the easy way out and is aware of it, which is already a change in itself. The fact that we have gone from no contact to seeing each other weekly is also a positive. These are just things I need to remind myself when I read stories with not so happy endings and start feeling down. This is not supposed to be easy I will continue to fight for our relationship and a positive outcome 🙂
Lisa your message gave me hope. I feel like I lost my best friend, he told me it wasn’t fair that he was only giving me 50%, that there’s a dark cloud that’s been looming over him. I blame myself for some situations that could’ve been dealt with differently but we overcame those and were picking back up. Some stuff he said about himself bothered me but I never known it to be depression until he openly admitted to it. He broke up with me- it has been a week now and I’m trying so hard not to make any contact with him. I want him to be happy with or without me but my heart is so heavy. He was my favorite person. But his job kept him busy and time management was hard to tackle with other things making life complicated. I guess I was one of the things he had to let go. Many other situations dealt with family and that’s something you can’t drop. I miss him everyday and life is a little weird for me right now. I know the best thing to do is focus on myself and let him go. If it’s meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. Thank you for your post. I’m happy you’re able to communicate with him and I wish you two the best possible outcome out of it all
Lisa, Your story is definitely one of the more positive trending ones “out there.” Where yours seems to differ is your partner’s willingness to admit he needs help. I guess like AA, acceptance is the first step to recovery. Unfortunately, for many involved with this board and others our partners refused to admit they needed help, made decisions or took actions that ruined an otherwise wonderful relationship. I wish you the best.
Lisa i hope all goes well with you and your partner. I truly do. Nothing hurts more than loosing a partner so suddenly and have no saying in it. I agree with Cooper because most of us unfortunately had partners that refused help and even ended up blaming us for their depression… it’s just sad.
Hi All,
My boyfriend and I start dating 2 months and half ago. We are having a long distance relationship. He is in another country because of his work and cannot come to visit because of covid 19 … we are childhood friends. We met when we were 12 years old in middle school … we kept encountering each other paths and everytime we do … we feel something for each other.. we met again in our first year in university … 10 years ago and then the relationship kind of developed for more than flirting … he confessed his feeling then .. and I asked for more time to be sure of mine … but as usual we drifted away and we lost contact … we met after that few times due to coincidence until we got back in contact via social media this year (we are both 30) … as usual we felt that thing again but this time we confessed our feelings and we started dating officially … since it is a long distance relationship we mainly use social media .. texting, phone calls and video calls … we spend a really great time toghether.. we get along … we are share a lot of commun things .. he is so nice.. I really love him … and I think that I did love him all these years .. we were each other first love.. but 2 weeks ago … when the covid situation got worse in the country where he is living … and he knew that he won’t be able to visit any time soon … and he has to take days off from work … he kind of entred into depression … and he started to spend less time with me … he did not call as often as he did… then just out of sudden he told me that he needs to distance himself because he is going through a depression… first I said that I understand and spend all the first week trying to support him without making him feel any burdensome… but then I just couldn’t stand it anymore .. I miss him and I miss how he used to care about me .. and I hate this state when I don’t even if we still datong or not … I really love him … and I don’t want lose him .. and I want him to be happy and healthy .. I care about him so much … how should I react!!! What should I do? … sorry if I made mistakes I’m not an english native speaker…
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. we entered a long-distance relationship 2 months in and stayed together for about 4. Leading up to the break up he didn’t answer any of my texts or look at them. sometimes he would but most of the time wouldn’t. He told me before we broke up he left a lot of people worried not just me and he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I told him i still loved him and i didnt want to end it but i understood. my question is, should i reach out? i still want to be there for him. i just dont want to bother. I have depression too but i take medicine for it. but i still know the feeling of wanting to be alone. Should i let him know that although we are broken up he can still reach out to me if he needs anything? should i wait a month before doing it. should i do it at all? i care for him as an ex partner and also a friend. im just confused and hurt.
Hi everyone!
At the moment, I’m in a situation of serious confusion. The 6th of July (two days ago), my girlfriend broke up with me due to her depression. We’ve been together for 4 months and the first 3 was amazing – Never have I ever felt so much love with/from anyone. My ex-girlfriend has a past of depression, and have once before been taking medicine, but some psychiatrist then told her that she didn’t need them anymore (that’s a few years ago). Allthough our first 3 months were amazing, the 4 month was when it really started to get messy. Her depression just got worse and worse and I guess it’s because of a lot of bad things that happened to her throughout the month (family issues, friends leaving her, her grandmother is dying of cancer, etc.). Unfortunately, all these things was put out on our relationsship and she stopped talking to me when she were sad. It really hurt me to see her sad and not being able to do anything for her because she wouldn’t talk about it. Even though she was feeling bad due to her depression, she told me that she loved me a lot, but sometimes the depression “eats” all of her feelings from the inside like a parasite. I really tried to be a good boyfriend for her by doing my best to help her in her appartment by making food for her, cleaning, and go shopping for her. One mistake I did makes me so scared that I fear never getting her back = I didn’t give her the space that she needed. Our relationship begun very fast after we met, and I was actually staying at her place throughout a corona-lockdown my country decided were the best. Therefore, I spent the first 3 months at her place where we had an amazing time. Afterwards, I felt that the appartment had become my home as well, and we even talked of moving together for real when we had finished the semester. All that was very lovely, but when she began to feel worse and told me to give her some space, I got so sad and thought she didn’t love me anymore even though she said she did. Therefore, she felt bad for needing some time apart which she really shouldn’t and said that I could just stay (which I shouldn’t have done). That happened several times and some of the times I went home to my family anyways and felt so scared that she’d leave me – Therefore I texted her all the time to make sure that she wouldn’t which stressed her a lot.
The last week of our relationship was a complete hell for me…
We weren’t together much because we both graduated and in Denmark, that means that you drink tons of boose everyday for many weeks with your ex-classmates, to celebrate the graduation. Everyday I woke up during that week, I checked my phone and recieved messages such as “I don’t think I can be with you right now” or “You can do so much better than me and you deserve it” and stuff like that. Of course, I was very scared that she would leave me and since she will get an perscription on medicine the 13th of July (next monday from now) I fought a lot to change her mind. That was a mistake from my side but I just thought that she would return to her old self after the medicine will start to work – Therfore, I thought the decision of breaking up was impulsive, irrational, and just “stupid”. I got those texts everyday almost throughout a whole week and finally decided to let her go. We both agreed on talking about this when she gets better and gets some space, so we hopefully can find a solution, but the waiting time is hard. She actually sugested that we could talk next week again, but I don’t think that she is ready to try to find a solution yet and therefore I’d rather wait some weeks. I did let her know, that I would always be there for her, and she can text me or call me anytime. She texted me today that we could talk face to face next week, but I told her that I thought it would be best to wait for a bit – First of all, because I want the talk to be about finding a solution and fix our relationship, but also because I want to find myself again.
Enough with the backstory… Sorry for my long message btw…
What I’m asking is what to do now. I just started a “no contact” period, because I want her to have the space that she needs. I’ve seen tons of videos on this “no contact” thing and as I understand it, it should be the best way – I just don’t know if it’s the best way in this situation because of her depression. She has been texting me today several times, but I answer in small sentences and always end the chat with “I’m here for you if you need me”.
How do I approach the situation I’m in? I really want her back, but don’t wanna preasure her. Should I talk with her face to face at the end of next week? If I chose to see her next week, can I then expect her to be open minded and ready to try to find a solution to this or should I give her and myself more time to miss each other (if she actually does that)?
To all of you who read this… Thank you so much! I know it was a long one, but I really need help with this! I want her back and I will do anything to make that happen – I love her deeply! Hope that you would give me your best advice and opinions – On forehand, thank you, I’m very grateful!
-ON
Hi
I was in your situation 2 years ago. I never knew about the no contact thing until a few months after the break up.
As the situation is different, I don’t suggest doing no contact. Space yes but the no contact thing can be hurtful to someone. They suggest blocking people and this just isn’t right.
My ex could barely talk to me towards the end of the relationship and I had to draw my own conclusion. I was too scared to ask any questions as I didn’t want to push him. I was quite supporting. When we broke up, he went hot and cold. After about a month of the break up, he started being really cold with me. A side I had never seen with him.
My ex and I don’t talk anymore. After a couple of months he blocked me everywhere. It’s a bit sad as we were friends and work colleagues before our relationship and he meant a lot to me. It was so extremely hurtful. For me, blocking me was the last thing and made me walk away completely. It put me into depression too. I tried everything to understand and be there for him but i just felt like it wasn’t good enough. I hope you look back in a couple of years and realise that you were being wonderful and kind. I blamed myself a lot, including thinking that I didn’t give him enough space. I did now I look back.
The last thing, to top it off, was last year. I found out via social media (we have a couple of mutual friends) that his dog died. When we were together, he was away from work a lot and lived on a property with no fencing. For 6 months I looked after his dog, including staying with me for a few weeks after we broke up and he eventually got her back. He didn’t say anything to me about her dying. I waited a week and sent a really kind message to discover I was blocked on his phone too (didn’t know I was, just thought it was social media.). I waited a couple of days and sent a message via Facebook as I had been unblocked by then and he tried to call me. I missed the call and tried calling him back. He forgot to unblock me. I tried through social media, email for about 4 weeks (just once a week) to try and find out more. I ended up getting angry and sent him a very angry message on Facebook messenger. This was the first time I had gotten angry at him ever and told him how hurtful he had been and that I didn’t understand why he was blocking and ignoring me. He responded. Explained that he can’t explain his behaviour and that he had come off his meds and working hard to maintain that. I tried to respond but I think he blocked me after he sent that. I don’t want to be around him now as there’s definitely something not right about him.
I suggest working on moving on for now and, if she gets well again and returns, then look at how you are feeling at that time and consider it.
I think Leesh brings up something interesting about no-contact suggestions. Based on my experience and research, dealing with a depression-related breakup is much different than your run-of-the-mill breakup. In the latter, requests for space or time usually infer the partner wants to explore other options. In the former, the partner usually needs to work on themselves.
I think going full no-contact is not wise, but that’s not to say a partner should be inundated with messages and should never receive heavy, emotional messages. Personally, I think the occasional message is just fine, but do not expect a response. And, I would keep the messages to one or two lines and maybe just reference something that has little to do with the relationship. The only messages to which I ever received a response were those the included a video to something I know my X would think funny or a picture that had nothing to do with our relationship.
My suggestion here is just that out-of-sight usually leads to out-of-mind. Standing on the periphery at least keeps you active in your partner’s mind. ON, in your situation, I think it’s positive she wants to see you. I would not shy away from a face-to-face meeting, but let her control the dialogue. And, don’t get overly emotional and sentimental. The depressed mind does not want to deal with those things. Don’t be suprised if she struggles to make sense and won’t even look you in the eyes. She may get emotional, as well. In my case, I could still see my X, but it’s like her depression was standing between us blocking our efforts to connect verbally and emotionally.
Finally, if she “sets you free,” so to speak, stay positive, let her know you’ll always be there for her and understand that depression really can do a number on her thought process. Tomorrow, she may miss you and call you again. It’s a bizarre illness, but it is an illness. Don’t try to make sense of everything. Once I understood that my X “just wasn’t right” while depressed, it became easier for me to accept everything, move on yet not hold her 100% accountable for some of her comments and actions.
To this last point, only you can decide how long you wait. Her recovery could take weeks, months, years or a lifetime. I will tell you to be careful, though. Depression seems to be able to suck in others.
Thank you for your advice!
When I woke up today, I Saw that she unfriended me on Facebook. Then I made the mistake of texting her, but quickly deleted the text before she had time to read it. When she asked me why I deleted the text, I just said that it wasn’t important and she was like “LOL”. I didn’t respons to that and then she asked me later (because I’m going to have some time with my friends in another city on the 13th) when I was going. I just replied by telling the date and she was like “that’s nice”. I don’t know if she deleted me as friend on Facebook to catch my attention, because she still writes me. I don’t ignore her but I surely don’t reply her with long texts since she needs some time alone. Atm, I’m doing fine because I feel like bring in control of the situation which I guess she dosen’t – Therefore she feels the need to write me. I won’t contact her in the near future, but I surely will respond to her. Hope that’s the right thing to do and if not, please let me know your opinion.
Btw, she still follows me on Instagram and haven’t unfriended me on snapchat…
-ON
Thanks for your respons and time!
I think you are handling a difficult and unique situation very well. Just keep reminding yourself that as well. It’s easy to kick ourselves for the little things that we don’t think we handle that well. I always thought that I didn’t give my ex the space he needed. But he was my partner at that time and I was just doing what any other person would have done. This is what you’ve done too. It’s really just fighting for your relationship. Don’t continue to kick yourself while you are down. Keep moving and realise that you’ve done everything you could that was in your power.
Again, thank you for your respons! I feel happy that you’re trying to help me out in my situation!
My ex is atm posting more on her Instagram-story than ever and yesterday, it was something about her, not having tatoos on her neck because someone asked her since she had a special shirt on where it looks like it. I actually don’t think that anyone asked because no one ever asked her anything like that when we were together – I would think it was a bit weird if questions like that just came up out of the blue right after we broke up? I feel like she’s trying to get my attention right now since I’m not contacting her to beg and plead for her to come back. I really want her old self (before her depression) to come back and yesterday I really missed her. I was so close to reach out but I told myself that it was not the propper way to deal with my feelings at the moment. I still want to tell her that I’m here for her, because I really am but I think I should wait a few days, just to show her that I’m not desperat. I want her back. Even though we’ve not been together for a long time I feel that she’s the love of my life. I’ve never experienced that before and I won’t let it go that easy. I think she’ll start on her medicine monday and I cross my fingers that she will, and she’ll become the girl I miss again!
Right now, I’m trying to work on myself (I actually went out for a run, which I didn’t have time for when we were together because all of my attention was on her) and I’m actually glad that I have time for that right now, but I still miss her.
Guess I’m going to try getting happy with myself for now and then get better until we’re going to talk again (Which we both agree on doing)!
Again, thank you all for your sweet replies – I actually didn’t expect any to begin with! It really helps a lot and I’m very gratefull! I hope you’ll keep helping me out in my situation!
Much love!
-ON
And another thing!
Should I reach out to her on monday (when she get her meds) to tell her that I’m still here for her and that I hope that she’ll get better? I think of just going casual about it. Since I’ve not showing any interest in her the last couple of days I fear that she doesn’t think that I’m there for her anymore – Which I certanly am. I want her to miss me but I also want her to know that I’ll still support her. The truth is that I want her back as a girlfriend but I don’t think that she should know that yet.
Should I reach out to her on monday?
If you have any suggestion, it would help me a lot to know what you’re thinking!
-ON
I think only you can decide if you want to reach out or not on Monday. See how you feel about it on Monday. If you decide to do it, prepare yourself for no response.
If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have reached out over some things. He knew where he was if he needed to talk. I don’t think they easily forget about you. It’s important to look after your mental health. Remember, you are going through a break up too. We don’t always think rationally when we go through it. That’s why I would suggest giving yourself space too. Look after yourself. She knows you are there for her. Going by what you’ve done already, I have no doubt she knows that.
My boyfriend asked for a time out.
I had been really down due to my personal problems and one day when I was ranting to him, he snapped. He said that I have broken him. We didn’t have any relationship problem before this (I could be really blind and I did not see the issue). He has since shut me out.
Awhile back, I texted to ask if he is ready to talk and expressed that I am unwilling to let go of our relationship without a fight. I told him that if there is any issue with me, he can tell me and we can work things out. However, he told me that he is very sick (mentally).
I had been giving him space, checking in once in a while. He had been hot and cold (mostly, cold). We don’t live together. And I know that he is not seeking professional help. What can I do? Is it advisable to continue checking in with him?
So this past Thursday, my boyfriend of five months was supposed to finally come see me after we hadn’t seen each other in almost 2 months due to both Covid, distance, and I was out of state helping my family for two weeks and he was out of state helping his family for 5 days. It just was sort of a perfect storm of not seeing each other. Or so I thought. The last few weeks, it seemed like every time I asked to see him there was some reason why we couldn’t. So when he offered to come see me last Thursday I got excited. The day came and I asked him about what time I could expect him and he said he had some responsibilities at home he was taking care of but would try his best to. Day came and went and no seeing him. So that evening, I messaged him asking when a good time to talk might be, he has a daughter and I knew he’s be putting her down to bed soon so I wanted to be considerate of that. He asked what was up, and I said I wanted to talk talk not text about it. He then jumped to “if you have something to say just say it”. I was taken aback because he had never been aggressive like that with me before. So I proceeded to ask where we were as far as our relationship went because it had been a while since we talked about it. I wasn’t exactly ready for what I got but his answer was that he is in a crazy place in his life, depressed but doesn’t feel depressed yet doesn’t know who he is or who he wants to be and is pushing everyone out of his life and literally feels nothing and cares about nothing and he admitted it was a real problem. I wasn’t sure what to say because this was the first time he had ever told me anything like this before but I said I was so sorry he was feeling that way and thanked him for being willing to tell me. He then never responded after that and the next day I sent my usual good morning text. It took him till lunch to finally respond with how are you doing. I said I was ok and it turned in to a bit of small talk over the rest of the day with nothing deep. The next day I messaged again the same way we always did with good morning. And I got nothing back. He always had his read receipts on, which was super annoying but, he either turned them off, blocked me or never read my text because it never showed up as read. I waited an waited. I proceeded to send one more message the next day saying “I understood if he needed space/time. I knew he was dealing with a lot, but I wanted him to know someone cared about him even if he didn’t care about anything. I was here if he needed me, if not I was praying for him.” And that was the end of it. I’ve heard absolutely nothing. He hasn’t blocked me on the ONLY social media that I use, Snapchat, but we also aren’t sending individual messages on there and he’s not opening any of my stories but he is posting on his own the same way he always has.
I do believe him when he said he was depressed, mostly because he’s been going through some crazy rough stuff with work, home life and his daughter, which I knew all about because we’ve talked about all of it regularly, I just didn’t know how badly it had effected him mentally till last week.
The ghosting has sort of solidified in my mind that the relationship probably is not salvageable. And while I’m not happy about that, I’m working on accepting it as each day passes. I have zero idea whether he will ever reach back out so I’m telling myself he never will, because that’s easier than holding on for hope IMO.
It sucks! And I feel like I got slapped in the face but I also feel like if he is truly depressed, he needs help and I know I can’t give it to him.
I have no idea if how I handled it was good or not or if I’m just rambling on now but man alive it hurts.
Well, Kris, your experience mirrors mine. My X started to find every reason to not spend time together. I recall one time she had to spend the evening “packing” for a day trip to her brother’s the next day. I mean, really? I may be a quick packer, but it certainly doesn’t take an entire evening to put a change of clothes in a duffel bag. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t sit around and talk to her while she did. Soon, her texts became less and less and talking on the phone was not possible. I’d call and she respond much later with a text. Infuriating, to say the least.
I can offer no great reason why other than to say his mind is clouded. You can’t take it personally. Depression makes people do odd things, and it often seems those closest to the depressed person gets the brunt of the pain…next to the sufferer.
Personally, I tend to believe our depressed partners shut us out because the pain of hurting and losing us is too extreme to be handled. I equate it to those stories you read in which a child represses the pain of something seen or felt. I’ve turned to this site and others to make sense of the logical, but it’s still hard to comprehend. If they ever recover or really want us back in their lives is tbd. I’ve only found a few success stories.
Be sure to research depression from the side of the afflicted. As much as I wouldn’t wish what we are experiencing on my worst enemy, I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone.
I’m so thankful that I stumbled on this post tonight. My BF of five months ended things with me this morning because of depression. This is the second time in five months. He deleted me on Facebook and told me it was dramatic and he knows. But he misses his kids who live in another state and his job is not giving him the money that he needs right now. I had rotator cuff surgery in may and he hasn’t been there for me at all recently and tells me that I make him feel guilty for that. Which I know is never guilt trip him but it’s his own mind feeling that. I was in pain last night and in a flood of tears because I felt my shoulder pop. I asked him to come over just to be with me. He said he was coming and never showed. He hasn’t been coming to see me but once every week or less. I asked him this morning if we were over and
He said that he has too many issues and is extremely depressed and wants to move to Texas to be near his kids. He has been emotional, sleepless, tired and upset. He said he can’t give me the attention I need And he just needs to clear his head. He just ended it and blocked me on iMessage. He told me before I was the first girlfriend that he doesn’t have to take care of or needs him for anything. I just value our time and he said he can’t give me that. I’m so heartbroken right now and while I know it’s not me, or hurts to have someone walk away so quickly. It felt so impulsive but I know that’s my emotional mind talking and rationally he’s been thinking about it. It’s left a huge hole in my heart today and reading everyone’s stories helps me get my own closure and stop beating myself up about it.
Shanna. Do not worry you are not the only one who got hurt like that. You said it “reading everyone’s stories helps me get my own closure” same thing happened to me.
And the rejection and ghosting/ignoring hurt a lot but don’t worry it’s not because of something you did, it’s just there way of coping with the breakup and depressionMy ex gf blocked me and deleted me from every form of social media.
It’s hard to see someone leave all of a sudden but it’s for the best long term. It will save you from a lot of pain if he was not willing to get help.
Did she come back?
Mine blocked me and still does every time I contact him with a different line.
If being with a depressed partner would mean losing my sanity then I don’t want it anymore..it’s been 5 months since he disappeared from my life..I miss him..he was literally the best I ever had.. as much as he left,he truly loved me but depression won 🙁 he disappeared once he was admitted for therapy in a mental clinic after attempting suicide over our breakup (I had initiated it out of anger and frustration when I couldn’t understand that his withdrawal was due to depression).
I regret.
I’m in pain.
I just wish he could let me be there for him during his recovery journey or fight this depression.
He was hot and cold but despite his pain I could see that he still loved me but depression won’t let him think straight.
His last words for me “I never meant to hurt you, I’m in so much pain ,I just need to be alone and am not okay. If it’s fate, we shall find each other.”
I don’t know what the future holds,
Probably, it won’t be easy since his family blames me and wants me to forget him 🙁
Kris…this link takes you to a forum John references in his writing. This particular link takes you to a depressive talking about his depression. It’s sobering, scary and, frankly, makes me tear up just a bit.
https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/want-to-know-what-depression-is-like-part-ii-relat-t1999.html
Hello, so on June 24th my boyfriend broke up with me. I dont know what triggered him and he won’t tell me either. We dated about 4 months and it was a long distance relationship. Im in the US and he lives in Australia. I did tell him in the beginning when we met that i wasnt looking for a relationship and that long distance relationship dont last, but he managed to persuade it and we began to date. In the beginning he was super sweet amd we would voice chat and text every day. He was very open about his past relationships and how it never went well with any of them, his longest relationship being 1 year. He also told me his laat relationship was last year that lasted 6months. He never did telle exact details as to why it didnt last. He told me he does suffer from depression when we began to date, and that he used to have dark thoughts and would sometimes cut himself, but me being with him and hearing my voice was relaxing for him. We would send pictures and snapchats to know wat each other was doing. He also spoke about the future and how i would be a great mother to his kids andother stuff. I told him i would be willing to move over there with him and we even talked about how i can be a citizen over there. I said i would visit him this year in November and move in with him next year after i graduate college. But the day before he broke up with me he seemed a bit different and i asked if he was ok but clearly he wasn’t and he responded that he was fine. He then started to act way different and didnt want to talk to me and i toldhim that i cant understand what is going on if he doesn’t tell me, he then tells me “Because I don’t feel like talking but that is apparently A Big crime”. I told him that i care about him and to tell me abouthis feelings. He says “Honestly don’t care anymore just prefer to feel numb to any type of emotion”. And then he said he was done and left voice chat. I was so confused as to what happened, bcause i dont remember doing anything wrong. As to the day he broke up with me, “I’ve spent A long time thinking about this. There’s literally no version of this that doesn’t get emotional. So here I go I think it’s best we just remain friends. This long distance thing isn’t healthy for me. It’s been adding to my anxiety and depression and yesterday was my breaking point. I love you I do but I feel it’s best we just stay friends. I’m sorry.” I respondedthat i understand and that we can be friends and im sorry for whatever i did and i never meant to hurt him, i did cry and i felt and still feel depressed. I responded “I’m here for you as well. I am sorry I hurt you, I won’t forget about what we had. and I don’t want things to change with us in VC’s”. That same day he asked if we could voice chat and when he was on, he acted like normal like he wasnt fazed at all that we broke up or even considered my feelings, becuse he asked why i was so quiet. Like do you not understand how i feel. I cried two days but i said ots fine that we stay friends so im working on that and being normal about it. He blocked me in Facebook and Snapchat, the only way we talk is through discord voice chat he still hase as a friend there. I do try to text him to show that im doing better and just seeing how hes doing with his depression, buthe never responds back, he stll talks toe in voice chat but not in text, why? Im so confused. He never talks about what is wrong and then gets mad saying he doesnt need to talk. Can someone help me understand does he want to stay friends just so he doesn’t hurt my feelings, or does he want to see if we can be together when hes better that he needs some space. Ibe never loved anyone as much as i did with him.
Hello Misty, sorry that like us all you have to go through this. I am no therapist, i only speak from experience with a depressed partner, the thing is that their depression completely consumes them and drains them so they have no more emotions, and that is why they feel “numb”, many times i heard that from my ex and it hurts to hear the person that means the world to you say that she has no emotions while you are there boiling up with emotions for them. It’s not that he does not understand how you feel, he just can’t handle it and process it properly, his mind is taken over by his depression. That is why they push us away, it’s easier for them to blame us and make us part of the reason why they have depression and everytime they hear from us or come in contact it reminds them of their inability to be a proper bf/gf and it hurts them even more an they end up blocking us as if that will lead to block the depression. That is what you need to understand, it’s not because of you, you did nothing wrong and you should not blame yourself, i know it’s hard cause even for me who is giving you this advice can’t seem to take my own advice sometimes and i relapse into blaming myself and get anxiety. It’s hard and it will take time but believe me there is nothing you can do. In my opinion you need to stay away for your own health, i know you love him, but for your own good stay away, and him wanting to be your friend i am sorry to say that but it’s because that way he doesn’t need to feel guilty about hurting you because that guilt will ad to his depression. If you need to talk to someone, and anyone reading my comments needs someone to talk, you can reach me on my email charlestawile [at] outlook [dot] com and we can share numbers or something privately, hopefully sharing thoughts and stories will help us all get better.
I was wondering if anyone has read of a story that ends up well, where the depressed partner returns to be himself again, regrets what he did and gets his feelings back? I read so many comments and none of them is giving me hope 🙁
If you read around this site some more, you’ll find that my story turns out well. I tried to get the idea of hope across in the posts I edited into Surviving Depression Together, but you don’t have to buy that little book to get the essentials of what I went through.
All the best to you – John
Thank you so much John, I am going to read it now. And thanks also for this website. It means a lot to so many of us!
My boyfriend of roughly 8 months left almost three weeks ago to start a job in Alaska. While he was making his way up there, he would call me almost every night and we’d have a quick chat. Once he arrived at his destination, things kind of blew up for me with having a housing problems and my cat needing to be put down. I started to call him more frequently and perhaps relied on him a bit too much. Regardless, this only lasted two days. On a Monday night, the same day we put my cat of 16 years down, we got into an argument because he said he needed a bit of space and to just not be on the phone. However, at the time, feeling desperate and extremely sad about the loss of our cat, I simply couldn’t handle hearing it. I said a number of things that I didn’t mean and don’t want. He was understanding and had said that he thought we were overthinking things. Later on in the conversation he just shuts down and really stops talking and says, “maybe you’re right, maybe we aren’t cut out for this.” And I asked him if it was just the long distance or the talking on the phone. He said it was just talking on the phone all the time. I told him I didn’t expect that and that I could change my behavior. Prior to him leaving, we have had an amazing relationship, he has been loving, supportive, and we have been very serious. He has brought up many times of us getting engaged, married, having kids and moving to Alaska together. Even we’ve had a problem, it has been navigated well and we’ve largely been able to communicate. Being long distance certainly changes this. At the end of our conversation we had agreed to talk on a Thursday… Well that came and went because he seemed to be a bit overwhelmed with doing tele-training for his new job. He said he’d call over the weekend, but that came and went too. I texted him on Sunday night, it was a neutral text, but I did say I needed some certainty about our relationship and where we stand. He sent me the weirdest text that I would have never expected from him. He feels like a terrible person that he can’t be there for me and that he felt like a guilty asshole, etc. He said that should find someone else that can be there for me. He said that he would live alone forever as a hermit and die alone in the woods somewhere. I tried to call him when he sent this, and then texted him that I felt that speaking on the phone would be the best way to communicate and said that we hadn’t been doing this long distance thing very long and that we need to give ourselves more time to adjust, and that we can do it together. He didn’t respond.
A day later, I sent him a video that was extremely positive, letting him know I wanted to move on from this, that I choose him, and telling him I wanted us to change our path and talk on this coming Saturday – just a quick pleasant conversation. I said I’d start by sending him a few pictures, etc. I also was clear that he did not need to respond.
But after the text he sent me it seems like something is off. I know he gets stressed before new jobs, and he is likely worried about money. More than that, however, I wonder if he may be isolated, alone, and perhaps depressed. We have never had a conversation about depression, but he has shared about times in his life he felt very alone and would cry at night, etc. I wonder if him leaving (though it is temporary) and all these other anxieties has thrown him into a spiral. I am scared of what will happen when I try to call on Saturday. What I will do if he doesn’t respond. I just hope that he remembers how much he loves me and how great we are. Whenever we’ve had an argument or any problem, he has always said “It’ll take a lot more than that to scare me away.”
Honestly, I’m fine now, my housing issue is fixed and I am still grieving for my kitty. I wish he knew that I shouldn’t have expected him to be there for me over the phone, and I certainly don’t hold it against him. I have a support network and I should have relied on them, but I am human and I am still learning. I have been talking to my counselor a lot. I want him to know I am here for him and that I still love him, but I also do not want to overwhelm him. I do believe that perhaps when he starts his job (which will be very physical) that that will help him, as well as being around people again. But his text was certainly not a firm break up text. I am wondering if I give him space and time to come to, or if there is a point I need to firmly say “I need to know if we are still together…” etc.
It’s miserable to feel like I may lose him. We are only supposed to be apart for a few months, and I was hoping to plan a trip to see him very soon, but now I don’t know since he may not respond. This weekend it will have been two weeks since we last spoke. I wonder when I should contact his family and express my concern, when I should give up, when I should be firm. This is certainly out of the ordinary for him, and I don’t really believe that my few days of being overwhelmed would have scared him away. We spent months together during quarantine and we navigated my overwhelm during that time too.
Hi Jenna I am so sorry to read that you are feeling this way & my heart goes out to you, as it is not easy, the ‘rejection’ as such with no explanation, or any reason to the best of your knowledge makes it so confusing and harder to deal with because at the end of the day, neither person in the relationship has done anything wrong enough to warrant the relationship to be ended by one or the other, its not like somebody has cheated etc, that’s an awful ending but at least there is an answer or a reason.
Your story is almost the same as mine except the long distance part. We talked about & planned a future etc, everything was ok until the lockdown, where he became obsessed about that, things deteriorated in that i didnt know where I was in the relationship, and 3 weeks ago he asked for time out to sort out his head etc, after previously saying he needed a couple of weeks to himself & then everything would be ok, i gave him that but had to contact him occasionally due to things I had been previously sorting out for him. Anyway to cut a long story short we had a conversation earlier tonight, thrashed everything out over a few hours & the bottom line is that he needs space & time to sort his head out, I have offered him support as his partner/girlfriend or support just in the way of friendship but he says no, he needs to do this himself, he feels nothing but he says I am the best thing to ever happen to him etc etc & he will now lose that but he cant help how he feels, he feels numb etc. He told me he needed to make one thing clear that it was nothing to do with me, I have done nothing wrong at all, he couldnt wish for any better but he needs to be on his own – i think I am a stage further than you, but what I’m trying to say is & i have learned this the hard way – the minute they say they need space for 2 or 3 weeks, or mention needing space at all, give it to them. They have an illness that consumes them to the point of despair, they cant think of anything outside that illness except trying to get through that day & the sad thing about it is that they actually do remember the good times but it means nothing to them at this present time. I would contact the family if you have reason to be worried about him.
And just to confirm, it was nothing to do with your few days of feeling overwhelmed, this depression has been with him for a while and he couldnt hide it any longer, he probably has been trying to disguise it for a while and could no longer hide it. You now need to take care of yourself & hope that he gets professional help either where he is or when he moves back, we cant help them or fix them as we are not professionally trained to do that & because they are emotionally involved with us, they see us as a burden because they can no longer maintain the relationship, no matter what choices we give them. I have an ex boyfriend lying in his own house tonight on his own in inner turmoil, while I am in my house wworrying about him & stressing – I asked him at the end of our conversation when he is feeling like this does he not want his loved one with him just for company or to hold him & he replied nooo, that is the last thing he would want. So i got my answer & my closure. It will be hard to deal with but we have to think of ourselves now, I know it will be hard because we think we need to support/ help them but they are in a different frame of mind to us totally. I know this probably isnt what you want to read, but I wish you all the strength & compassion in the world, make sure you have friends or family around you, not even to talk but just to be there – I went out to my parents house earlier tonight & it was great just to have them there, tomorrow I am going to my sister’s house
Just an awesome response that only could be provided by someone with first-hand experience.
This line…the ‘rejection’ as such with no explanation, or any reason to the best of your knowledge makes it so confusing and harder to deal with because at the end of the day, neither person in the relationship has done anything wrong enough to warrant the relationship to be ended by one or the other, its not like somebody has cheated etc, that’s an awful ending but at least there is an answer or a reason…so perfectly depicts why dealing with a depressed partner is so very, very tough to wrap one’s head around.
Yes Cooper I am speaking from raw first hand experience.
My response & conclusion dont make it any easier to deal with the situation i find myself in, I am absolutely heartbroken because depression has came & stole my relationship & it cant be ‘fixed’ because its not fixable by us.
You feel they ‘string you along’ for whatever length of time you are feeling that something is wrong, they tell you to firstly give them 2 or 3 days space to get their head cleared, then they need a couple of weeks etc etc, and what kills us is this person isn’t the person we know, they are cold & withdrawn, sitting talking to us like we are some random stranger they had struck up a conversation with in the shop or on the bus or at work, flinch when we try to hug them, use every excuse in the book for us not to spend time together, they look & sound like our SO but they aren’t talking like them or acting like them, by that stage in their heads they are gone out of the relationship but are trying to break it to us gently or trying to keep it together, maybe both I dont know!
All I know is the relationship appears to have changed overnight but in hindsight it hasnt, it has been changing from before they tell us to give them a couple of days to clear their heads, its happening right in front of our eyes but because we dont know what is happening due to them not being able to make sense of what is happening to them, we are fighting a losing battle.
What I’m trying to say is listen to them from the very minute they ask for space, listen to your gut instinct – it is already screaming at you because you already know something isnt right, your stomach is in knots, a wave of dread comes over you frequently, you are tearful, you are frustrated, you want this feeling to end, but it wont end because you are fighting a losing battle….until you finally listen to them, until you listen to what you dont want to hear – they feel nothing, that they are numb etc. At this point you have to give up fighting for them, you feel relief because you have got closure on eerything you had been thinking, wondering, querying, obsessing over, now you get a different set of pain to go along with this new situation. You get the acceptance that you can do no more, but now you are grieving the end of the relationship, the end of all your hopes & dreams with your special person, whats easier here is now you know – you know that it really is over as opposed to spending months wondering whats wrong, is it me, is it on, is it off, did you say something, absolutely wrecking your head over-thinking everything.
“flinch when we try to hug them, use every excuse in the book for us not to spend time together, they look & sound like our SO but they aren’t talking like them or acting like them, by that stage in their heads they are gone out of the relationship but are trying to break it to us gently or trying to keep it together, maybe both I dont know!”
I know this all too well. My X had a number of “reasons” why we couldn’t get together that never really made sense. But your last sentence is what really made me pause. I could see things slipping for a few months, but my X continued the relationship. I was patient, because there were some legitimate issues she was managing, and I knew nothing about depression. Yet, she almost seemed to be trying to end things and keep us together at the same time. In retrospect, I’m guessing she was trying to fully understand what she was feeling, as well.. “How could I all of sudden not be into this relationship?”
I’m in a different spot than “At this point you have to give up fighting for them, you feel relief because you have got closure on eerything you had been thinking, wondering, querying, obsessing over.” It’s hard to say I’ve got closure, because I’m still in a bit of shock. I’ve had to go searching for my own closure via this site and others trying to make sense of the “illogical.” The question I always ask myself is if she were ever to return, what would I do. That may be wishful thinking for a decision I’ll probably never need to make, but trying to understand depression really ties me up in knots.
I couldn’t have explained that any clearer them you just did. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this from my husband of 19yrs before. When he comes out if it he’s always back to his old loving self. He admits to having depression when his head is clear but once I start noticing the changes again he goes back into denial and won’t seek help. This time he asked for a divorce out of nowhere. I can’t take it anymore. This situation has put me in therapy. Unfortunately, now I want out. It doesn’t matter if he gets help or not. I can’t have my mental health or out son’s health suffer because of this.
Cooper I couldnt reply to your reply down below:
….You say…….I’m in a different spot than “At this point you have to give up fighting for them, you feel relief because you have got closure on eerything you had been thinking, wondering, querying, obsessing over.” It’s hard to say I’ve got closure, because I’m still in a bit of shock. I’ve had to go searching for my own closure via this site and others trying to make sense of the “illogical.” The question I always ask myself is if she were ever to return, what would I do. That may be wishful thinking for a decision I’ll probably never need to make, but trying to understand depression really ties me up in knots.
When i said i got closure, i was meaning that when I had the deep talk with my ex bf & he stated clearly what he was thinking, as in he couldnt feel anything, he was numb etc etc i got closure from the point of view of living on my nerves wondering what was happening within the relationship, trying to guess if we were okay, trying to guess what was wrong – i now knew that there was no relationship from his side & that closed the wondering part of things, but then it opened the door to a new set of pain grieving a relationship that was ended just like that.
Like you I also wonder what would happen if he came back, one part of me thinks the relationship couldnt pick up where it left off due to the circumstances of it ending & the head space they are/were in, Ive concluded I might suggest we can start from the start again & start dating, because dont forget, this is somebody who we knew so well but then their personality changed & its so hard to reconcile those two people.
Hi P,
Everything you describe is exactly what has happened in my story. Feeling numb, needing space, your partner being cold and acting like a stranger. Do you think their personality will ever go back to what it was? And, do you think their personality only changed towards us, or also towards other people? I am not sure if he has changed with his family and friends
I’ve been reading both your insights and back and forth about your respective ex’s and their depression. What hurts the most is how quickly they move forward or is that a facade? My ex revealed that he was struggling internally for a whole year but I only found out in January 2020 and he ended our marriage in March and I requested him to please give us time and chance but he kept chanting no amount of time or chance can fix it. According to him the problems he sees are beyond both of us. He could only see everything from his perspective. How could he change so drastically overnight? And when I told him you seem so different he just said may be I am different. Breaks my heart how coldly he ended everything. I don’t think my spouse will ever realise and come around and even if he does I just cannot go on with this relationship. The emotional hurt is just too painful. I too am in a state of shock because it’s like someone flicked a switch and the man I married is completely gone.
Daisy says:
June 29, 2020 at 5:15 pm
“Hi P,
Everything you describe is exactly what has happened in my story. Feeling numb, needing space, your partner being cold and acting like a stranger. Do you think their personality will ever go back to what it was? And, do you think their personality only changed towards us, or also towards other people? I am not sure if he has changed with his family and friends”
Hi Daisy
I don’t know to be honest – my thoughts on it are if they would get professional help/go into therapy it would get to the root of the problem, most GPs nowadays just prescribe medication to treat the illness, but that doesn’t get to the cause of the illness – my ex told me during our final discussions which were very in-depth, that problems came flooding back last year from his childhood, he doesn’t know what triggered them, so to me he needs professional help to get to the bottom of that – the problem with these mental health issues is that we don’t know how long they will need therapy for, I personally dont think a few weeks or a few months will resolve their issues – due to the fact that their issues have got that bad in their heads that they have shut us out, so to me the issues have been building up & building up over an extended period of time and they just couldn’t handle them any longer & it’s unfortunate that it was our relationships which ended up in the firing line.
And I think we get the worst of their personality change because they are emotionally involved with us and have to shut us out as their brains are that consumed with the illness they cant handle the stress and strain and responsibility of maintaining a relationship. With my ex he talked a bit to a friend and to his mother but didnt tell them enough. But he did say that work associates and people he met day to day in the shop etc all remarked there was something different about him, so he obviously was quieter or not as friendly with them, but that didnt matter to him as he wasnt seeing them all the time or in contact, which brings me back to my original point that we get treated differently (worse) because of the emotional involvement.
“According to him the problems he sees are beyond both of us. He could only see everything from his perspective”
Hi S
Unfortunately he is right, depression is beyond us all and he appears selfish in that it is all from his perspective but again he is corect there too – They are that consumed with depression which takes over their whole thought process, it even takes over their whole physical bodies – it is an illness and it is only by reading through all these posts, doing research and really listening to my ex during our final in-depth conversation that I ‘heard’ exactly how it affects them – it gave me closure as in finally i had an answer as to why he was acting the way he was and it took the knots away from my stomach because I was worrying, stressing if we are on, if we are off, whats happening etc – but it hasnt happened overnight, it has been in their heads for a long time and they dont have the energy or emotional strength to fight it. I may have got closure from that part but then I got a different type of pain & heartache due to realising the relationship as I once knew it is now over and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is it so I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m not even daring to hope that he will come back to me & if he did I’m afraid he wont be the same person & nor will I, so on the other hand I also think I would rather deal with & work through this heartbreak & try to move on
Hi, I need some advice. Please help me…
My boyfriend is depressed and he said I was the cause of it. He said I have hurt him.
Recently during the lockdown, he said he wants a time out. I gave him the space he needed but I check in on him once in a while. His replies were okay – thanking me for checking on him, etc.
However, he said that I am not helping him and his replies seem to suggest that he wants me to leave him and he doesn’t want to continue with the relationship. What do I do? I don’t want to leave of course. But do I continue to check in on him when he seems so irked by me?
In my experience, if a depressed partner says he/she needs space, provide it. It may well be the toughest thing you ever have to do, but think about it as a gift of love. Your partner is asking for something and you want to satisfy that request. If it were me, I’d just send a brief note, nothing too heavy, letting him know you care for him and to reach out when and if he’s ready or needs some help.
In full transparency, you may never hear from him again. I know this is not what you or any partner dealing with this situation wants to hear, but it’s the reality of the situation. You just can’t love depression out of a partner. I also found normal suggestions for helping a depressed friend do not carry over to a depressed partner. The variance in the emotional connection just gets in the way.
John has some great perspective on this in several of his entries, as well.
Thank you cooper for your insights.
Giving him the space is fine. But I am worried that if I don’t check on him, he will continue to isolate himself further. And I don’t feel that that is healthy.
I feel the responsibility to take care of him but at the same time, I am worried that I am the one who is bringing him down.
I can see how challenging managing that dilemma could be. He’s an adult, though. You really cannot make him do anything. If you think he’s going to do some serious harm to himself or others, then certainly reach out as necessary.
Nearly everything you’ll find on any site will note that your partner really won’t get better until he decides he wants to get better. Again, I will not say it’s easy. It may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life. Would you rather him get better and reenter your life a better person or deal with his current personality forever?
E. I agree with what Cooper said. This will sound harsh. I am sorry to say but from my experience you can’t help, as Cooper said “You can’t love depression out of a partner”. I did that mistake and it back fired hard on me.
You try showing them so much love and at first it might work but after a while depression hits again and they will make you the reason (although you are not) because it’s easier for them to blame you. And that shit hurts… being blamed and accused by the person you trying to help and you love.
Without going into to much details, you want to help, you want to be the one to save them, you want them to believe that the relationship and the love is all they need to rely on to become better, you want them to see how pure your love for them is… but for them they don’t see or feel that way. You will be accused and blamed and treated bad, and you feel like shit not only because of that but because you know it’s the depression taking over and making them say these things, they become a different person than the one you love.
You end up hurting yourself. Instead of bringing them up you end up bringing yourself down. Think about it. It’s torture, end the torture as soon as you can. It is impossible to think about not being with them, believe me i know. But would you prefer continuing putting yourself through this and at the end having them breaking your heart by leaving you, while also blaming you for it after all you tried and that eat away at your conscience? Or would you prefer taking the better (although it seems the wrong and harder decision but it is not) decision by just staying away, because at the end of the day, you are taking care of him but who is taking care of you? You devote your time to them and you forget about yourself and they don’t spend anytime on you because they can’t.
I speak from experience, and i can write a way longer more detailed message than this to answer your dilemma. Just understand the road ahead if you stay is gonna be painful in ways you can’t imagine. Have mercy on yourself and on him. Stay away please… please, it will affect your health staying.
Do you think, in your situation and in general, if the partner gets the proper help, things can be repaired and a relationship rebuilt?
In general if you are truly in love with your partner then yes. But they have to seek the proper help because otherwise it will not matter and best to stay away for your own good.
My situation is different, i do not give up on people and it was my downfall, i got so invested and at the end my partner during quarantine (she lives with family, i live alone) was eaten by guilt and anxiety of not being there for me as much as me for her as i supported her everyday, she put that blame on me for making her feel like a bad person just because i treated her good and she could not do the same, and that i was trying to make her need me for my own selfish reasons (wtf), and her depression was gaining control again.
She ended all communication 2 months ago and now i heard from a friend that she is moving away end of July, most depressed partners think that by starting new life somewhere else and leaving their current partners that the depression will go away because in their heads we are the cause of that depression.
So no my friend in my case there is no repairing, i wish i could, broke my heart again when i heard she is moving away. I will share my story on this website soon as i have been commenting but never told my story.
Please do! I feel like my bf broke up with me to see if his depression will go away. Thing is, it won’t. Now he has absolutely no one, he only keep shallow relationships around him.
(broken up with yesterday) My exboyfriend suffers from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. He was open about his depression and how it runs in his family from the start, he told me he was unable to feel happiness and joy and never felt such emotions. He just couldnt. He was cutter as a teen. His brother committed suicide. He’s never been close to absolutely anyone in his life. His friends and family don’t mean much to him. He’s always been quiet and reserved. But with me he was different.
We dated and things went fast, he showered me with love and affection and I did too. We needed each other at that time and understood one another, we communicated greatly.
I asked him if he ever got help and he said he had once but thought it was stupid and hated the meds.
He accepted that that was just the way he is and that it will never change. I thought that was sad and I saw it eating me up inside.
All of our problems had roots in his depression. His depression didn’t allow him to understand the sacrifices I was making to be with him were affecting me (i.e: moving to 3 different states in a year where he had family and a job in each and I had nothing and no one because he didn’t like the first 2 states), he wouldn’t see things from my perceptive. He never showed interest in learning about my life, meeting my friends, spending time with my family… but I was expected to hangout with his friends, spend a load of time with his family and have dinner with them every other day. I tried explaining how draining that was getting, especially when it’s not reciprocated. I tried explaining to him my needs and how certain things he did hurt me and that would make him react poorly and end up in an argument. He did put a lot of effort in the relationship and showed affection in his own way, it’s just that he was bad at communicating his feelings and needs. He would bubble it all up. I would brush things off after a time and reassure him that it is no big deal. I realized that I always felt empty experiencing things with him and never really felt excited, because everything was meaningless to him. I feel like my personality was muted when with him because he was so stoic and quiet. I loved him but I questioned if he was the right one for me. He always masked his depression to the world and I didn’t understand the signs. He would not listen to me, distract himself when being spoken to, spend a ton of time playing videogames, selfmedicate by smoking a ton of weed.
Getting information out of him was like pulling teeth, only after a big argument would he tell me that it is his depression, but he would never elaborate further. Never told me what he needed from me in those moments.
Couple of months ago, I felt him being distant and brought it up to him, he said nothing had changed, I disagreed, after an argument he then tells me it was his depression that was causing it and left it at that. Everything was fine. Two weeks ago we went on a break, telling me that he’s been feeling numb the last couple of months, yesterday he calls me telling me that he felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders and it was the strain that *I* had caused onto the relationship and that he had lost his trust in me. I told him it wasn’t fair how I was left in the dark for most of our 2 yr + relationship and how he is now blaming me for not understanding and causing drama over stuff that would of been easily fixed had he communicated with me instead of blowing up or retreating himself. He rarely saw middle grounds. I told him he should give me a chance now that I know but he refused. He fell out of love with me months ago. He wants to cut contact entirely. I have access to his youtube account and see his history is filled with sad love songs in the theme of “the one that got away” or “I won’t get over you”.
It’s only been a day and although I am sad and as much as I love him ( I did ask hims for a second chance afterall), I realized that this is not what I wanted. I want a fulfilling and exciting relationship with substance, I want someone who shows interest in who I am and want to meet my friends and family and I want to do the same for them. I want someone with a hunger to live and to experience life. Someone with passions. Someone I can love with confidence, someone who can love me back enough to understand that communication and finding middle grounds is important. I love my ex, but he wasn’t giving me what I needed out of a relationship and caused me a lot of stress and pain. Don’t know if he would ever want me back, but if so, the only condition is that he accepts to get help.
I was with my partner for 7.5 years. We were such a dynamic couple that we hardly ever fought during this time. We had a wonderful 7.5 years together and we were building a life for ourselves. I never knew my partner had depression, but i’ve just found out that she did suffer from it in her adolescence.
3 weeks ago, she had a dream that i was going to leave her and woke up scared, saying, “don’t ever leave me”. Me, being supportive, texted her saying “unlike your dream, i will never leave you. I love you.” We had been under a lot of pressure because we were renovating our house and we had a very active puppy who put lots of strain on our relationship, being so busy. 7 days later she told me that a switch had flicked in her brain and she couldn’t be with me anymore and she saw no future together.
She has retreated into herself and is refusing to speak to long term friends. She is dealing with her life at the surface level and isn’t acknowledging that she needs help. She shut down completely and has been distant and cold, where she was once the warmest, most compassionate and empathetic person to everyone.
I am utterly devastated and i’m now seeking counselling. I just want her back, she is honestly my soulmate. I don’t know how to live my life without her anymore and this has been breaking me apart.
I felt like i had to share my story because i can honestly say our relationship was as close to perfect as i could ever imagine one. Our entire friendship group and families are devastated and i want people to know that this happens, that mental illness is a serious issue and those who are affected by it need to get help.
If anyone has any advice for me and what i should do, i’d really like to hear it.
Hi Jason,
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was also in a relationship for 7.5 years. My partner was the most caring and loving person I have ever met. He adored me and never stopped for all the time we have been together. Then, a few months ago, he was going through a very stressfull period at work and he started to be a bit distant. I asked if he was okay and he started to cry and said he was unhappy. A few months passed and he didn’t get any better. He passed from having suicidal thoughts to say he was feeling numb. He said he couldn’t see a future anymore for us, that he was very pessimistic and confused. He asked for some time alone, so I left and now he is not talking to me, at all. He disappeared. For me everything is surreal, it doesn’t seem possible that he is the same person I once knew. He seems like a stranger to me. I have also seeked councelling because this is too hard to accept
Surreal…good word choice. It’s near impossible to make sense of everything, like maybe it’s just a bad dream to which I’ll wake up soon.
My experience has been very similar. I say has rather than was, because I hold out hope. It’s been awhile, though, and that hope is fading. One of the disappointing aspects of everything is the pain now overshadows almost any positive memory I have of my ex.
I know what you mean. Last time I texted him I asked to stop ignoring me and ruining all the good memories I have. He never replied. He was diagnosed with depression and he started to see a therapist and to take medication, but now it’s been a while. Like yours, my hope is also fading. It’s impossible for me to understand how someone can pass from being loving and sensitive to complete selfish. It is a surreal situation
Hi Jason, Daisy and Cooper,
I am in a very similar situation to all of you.
I am so lost now and I don’t know what to do.
Do you all continue to stay in touch with your partner or let him or her be alone…?
Hi all,
I’m also in the same situation 🙁
We were so loved up and had our lives planned until a few weeks into lockdown. He completely changed.
He said he feels sad and he doesn’t know why and like a dark cloud is over him. I supported him as much as possible but every week has got worse to the point he broke up with me a few days ago and wanted to cut contact. He said his feelings have changed recently and he has zero explanation.
I feel a mixture of anger and pure sadness. I feel so lost and I find myself just crying all day and not sleeping because I don’t know what to do.
He’s messaged me a few times asking if I’m ok and said that he doesn’t know what’s happened to him. I’m so broken and taken back by it all, I don’t know how or what to respond. This is out of the blue.
He said he’s never felt this low before, and if it is depression, he can’t help but feel the way he does (he’s lost interest in his job too). He said he looks in the mirror and doesn’t recognise himself.
He’s quite a stressy person in general and has gone through some recent life changes (divorce, moving out of his family home), but he’s never been like this. I only saw him 6 days ago. Everything was normal (intimately and affectionately). I’m in shock.
Before lockdown he was so happy and our relationship was the best it could ever be.
I don’t know if I should continue ignoring him and fix myself? It’s so hard.
Lauren
It’s unreal how a lot of us had a depressed partner who broke up with us during lockdown. The lockdown and being alone with their thoughts away from us allowed the depression at the back of their mind to take control again and make them do the thing that was being suppressed by us being around them with positivity and love and support, and that is to push us away.
I think in out situation we all agree that before lockdown everything was good and then during lockdown all went downhill and we just can’t seem to understand why and that is why we are frustrated and angry at them at ourselves at the whole situation. We are stuck.
Hi Lauren, my partner told me his feeling changed back in Jan. He said he couldn’t think straight, he was very pessimistic about the future and that he didn’t feel himself. He asked for some time alone to try and fix himself. I kept contact with him for a couple of months, but then he cut me off. I never pestered him and only texted him when he was too. But now I have sent a few texts and he has not replied. It’s really hard to be ignored like this
Wow, this is ringing so true for me right now.
My ex broke up with me during the lockdown. We live separately, I have children, he doesn’t. The father of my children is an essential, front line worker, so we had in co-parenting terms come to an agreement that during the suppression phase of lockdown, he wouldn’t see the children. He could come down, but only socially distancing.
My ex was fine about this first. He’s met my kids, so I offered the same option; he chose basically to spend his time getting wasted with his friends and doing nothing markedly different from pre-lockdown. That was his way of ‘coping’ Typical, self destructing behaviour.
He’s depressed, I think he has been for a very long time. He has some serious issues, that we’d talked about, he opened up to me. Whenever he did, afterwards he would lash out at me. I said, maybe it was time for him to get some help, I’m not objective enough to be effective. But I will support him 100% in him taking any steps he needs to do so. He’s even admitted, he self sabotages constantly because he’s resigned himself to the fact that anyone he loves, will leave eventually, so he’s just sparing himself the agony of the final, inevitable abandonment.
I’d gradually become to notice a shift in his behaviour toward me, before covid. Jealously, paranoia, controlling behaviour which had led me to break things off, only briefly to come back after apology from him. His behaviour was becoming very, very toxic and manipulative.
Ultimately, he’s been entwined in his own mind during lockdown; how can I cope with this separation? why don’t I need him more? And he’s resolved, from this, that he’s not enough for me and I deserve better.
He refuses and systematically refused to seek help for his problems.
So, he said, he was saving me from the pain of him losing himself and self destructing. He had to do this alone. I can’t help him.
As devastated as I am, I have had to give him that space.
If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn’t, then, there’s nothing (I have resigned myself to this fact) that I can do.
I have said, I will always be there for him. No matter what, any time of day or night. My door is always open, as a friend. And I’ve left it at that.
I’ve tortured myself, blamed myself. Could I have done more? Did I do enough?
The problem is, it’s doesn’t matter. He’s operating from a totally different frame of mind than I am.
I’m emotionally, a fairly well balanced individual and I think he’s fully expected me to blow up in his face And be a bit crazy; calling, texting etc etc.
But I haven’t. I’ve left him alone, and I will continue to do so. There’s nothing else you can do. I have to get on with life. A life that once he featured in heavily, and now he doesn’t. So I have to adjust to that, because I have kids, but I also have my own hopes and dreams and plans. And it’s sad, because I can see him; through all his shame and self-loathing what an amazing person he is, but he can’t see that himself. But, for the sake of my own mental health, I can’t try to ‘fix’ him. That starts with him. ❤️
A wonderful path you’ve pursued. You are weeks, months, maybe even years ahead of many who visit this site and others. The minute I hear about a significant other spending more time partying with friends than actually working on the relationship or working on themselves, I secretly hope the other is packing his or her bags and leaving.
You have kids to protect. Congratulations for being so courageous in dealing with a tough situation.
It’s not been easy, but, it’s self preservation all the way. So many times I’ve tried to walk away, but I stopped myself because I knew it would destroy him. And I know, a break up I initiated would have been incredibly difficult for him to deal with and I think it would have been filled with a lot of anger and a lot of blame projected on to me. I suppose by him ending our relationship he’s gained in his mind some control. I just hope he finds what he’s looking for, I really want him to get help. He’s lost.
You are more courageous than many.
This has happened to so many of us :/
Reading this post I’ve found quite helpful. It’s hard finding a specific scenario when you’re dealing with a partner and depression.
My story is that me and my partner have been together 7 years, we have two children and we lived together. We had a tough few weeks together where we was both feeling so low. She cheated on me less than a year ago and I forgave her but she was being secretive, distant and not wanting to go near me or spend time with me anymore so I called her up on it as I was feeling the same feelings of anxiety that I did last year. I was feeling that I didn’t matter to her and it was bringing me down. One night I’d done a few nice things for her after she had a hard day in work so I ran her a bath made her tea and asked her to come sit with me she said she would but spent the whole night on her phone ignoring me so I went to bed, we argued when she came upstairs and left to go to her parents that night leaving me and the children, that was 6 weeks ago. I now understand that this was a sign of depression but along with past history I jumped to conclusions as it had been very similar.
At first I thought this breakup was for the best and when she asked me I told her this but last week she had started showing me she cared for me and it made me realise I do love her and do want to be with her. I wrote her a letter on how I see her and that I want to be with her , I know she is fighting depression and I love her and I want to help her see how I see her in my eyes. She’s not listening and does not want my help and is completely shutting me out. She wants me to leave the house so she can move back in with the kids. She’s telling me to see this as a positive that I get to spend time with my friends and go out but I already did those things whilst I was with her but on the other had she has never really had any friends so she hasn’t. She’s recently got back in touch with one or two friends, I feel as though she isNt thinking clearly and when I’ve tried to talk to her she’s fixated on me moving out and healing herself and she isn’t sure of what she wants today let alone in the future.
This is all heartbreaking for me as I’m not being given a fair chance and if I move out that feels final to me. I’ve been up and down angry and sad but I’ve accepted my fate for now. I’ve told her that I’m here if she needs but do I keep showing I’m thinking of her or do I just leave her to fight this depression on her own? I don’t know what’s best as I want her to feel happy inside of herself again but I also do not want to shut the book as I feel as though she is not thinking clearly because of the depression. I’m just struggling at the moment and needed some advice.
I’m scared that if In a few weeks she tells me it was all a mistake she shouldn’t have pushed me out and that she wants me back. How do I know that in a few years this won’t happen again and I’ll be thrown out? I moved out last year because of what happened and now this again I’m moving out. I want this family, it’s all I want but you can’t build a bridge from one side and that’s all it is right now and it’s breaking my heart. I just wanted to understand how to help her and heal this time so that if it did happen again I would be able to avoid this happening again
She also still tells me she loves me and cares for me and that it upsets her seeing me so upset. It just hurts that she tells me this but still won’t give us a chance.
I understand your situation…i dont have kids but my fiance and i went through the same thing. He cheated and tjings were bad and we broke up. Now hes depressed and things are even worse and we broke up again. Im scared that this might be it for us…im trying to be supportive and have faith that we’ll make it out together..but he is completely shutting me out too…
But if she is depressed then most likely, it will happen again. My fiance said that hes been through this before and its back. Depression isnt a one time deal. And i think its worse this time for us because alot has happened that triggered it and he doesnt know how to deal with it. 2 deaths in the family, financial stress, moving and i also still have trust issues on trop of that. But ive always had trust issues and other personal issues because of my childhood. Im working on it. All we can do is to tell them tjat we love them and support them and let them deal with it on their own. And hope that they will come back to us when they feel like themselves again.
Only you know your boundaries. Infidelity would be a tough one for me to excuse, depression or not. From my own personal experience when the depressed partner asks for space, I’d give it to them. She seems to be choosing to deal with everything on her own.
My ex boyfriend has been feeling depressed for the past month. We broke up and then we decided to try again and he broke up with me again. Our relationship wasnt perfect. But i love him very much. I had a toxic relationship with my dad growing up and ive developed issues because of it such as clingy, trust issues, etc. Ive been trying to work on it and be better cus i want us to work. Alot has happened before he became depressed. His grandmother passed away and she was like a mother to him. And not long after, his grandmas son passed away (his uncle) he didnt like him and said he wasnt hurt by his death. He doesnt have a great relationship with his parents, and hes worried about his grandpa with the pandemic happening. We’ve also just moved and his depression began after we moved. Its been months since his grandma passed away so he doesnt think its because of that. He loved her more than he loved anyone. When this started, he said it didnt have to do with his feelings for me, cus he loves me and that was never the question. But after trying again and talking lastnight…he thinks it is because of me. Amd that destroyed me. Because i love him more than i love anyone. I was willing to do anything to save us. I was working on my issues and trying to change myself for the better but it wasnt enough. He blames me and i blame myself. I blame myself for not dealing with my issues before. I still have hope in us…but i dont know if he does. I dont know what to do. I told him that i love him, i will always support him like i always have and i will always be here for him. My love, my loyalty and support has never waivered. Of the 4 years we’ve been together, ive never questioned if we were meant to be together. Cus i always felt like we were and ive never felt this way about anyone. I have this need to please people i love. Ive done it in past relationship as well. I go out of my way to do something sweet and thoughtful just so i can see how happy or appreciative they are and it makes me feel good that ive done a good thing cus ive constantly felt like everything i do is wrong…i have my whole life. But with him telling me that im the reason hes depressed just makes me sad and alone. And him thinking that i only care about myself. I know i can be selfish at times, but ive always put him first, even if he didnt see it or believe it. He knows that im here for him if he wants to work on our relationship, we also need to work on ourselves but im terrified that he’ll be happier without me and our relationship will be in the past. I cant help but hope that we can make it through. But im trying to accept that we might not. And im struggling with that. I have bipolar depression and i feel like im beginning to feel depressed. When i was depressed before, i wouldnt talk to alot of people in my life, but the one person i felt safe with was him. I never cut him out. I dont know what to do or what to think. I dont even know how to feel. Cus i feel like if im worried about my relationship then thats selfish cus i want him to get better. But i cant help but worry about the relationship too. This has been painful but i still stayed and still loved him. And i always will. I just feel like im never enough. And i want to be. Because he is everything to me. And i should add that this relationship didnt start out well. We fell inlove fast. We’ve both been inlove before but not like this. We moved in fast cus my dad kicked me out and he offered to live together. He told me he was falling inlove with me pretty quick too and i felt the same way. We moved in together and i saw him texting a girl but i didnt think anything of it. Then 2 years later, i caught him cheating on me, sexually texting multiple girls he didnt know. He said he didnt have feelings for me. I dont understand why he wasnt just honest with me. Ive begin talking to someone after trying so hard to save us, and when i felt okay..he wanted to try again, he wanted a second chance and i gave it to him cus i still loved him. And we were good for 2 years. I had trust issues, and i looked through his phone which i know is very wrong. Most of the time, we work well together. I know i shouldve worked on my issues sooner, i wish i had. People are telling me that he could be depressed cus alot has happened as i explained earlier but im still hurt and i dont want to get my hopes up and it might not be true. I feel like he wouldnt put up with half the things i put up with him. Hes completely shutting me out now. And im still worried about him. I bought him this book on how to deal with depression hoping it could help a little. Too much to say about our relationship….
Reading everyone else’s story really helps as I’m taking this whole breakup very hard since he was my first boyfriend. About a month ago my boyfriend was in the hospital for some stomach related issues. Ever since then he’s been distant and we texted a few times a week as he said he needs some space for his mental stability. We are long distance and haven’t seen eachother in 4 months because of quarantine so this was hard but I agreed and gave him his space. 2 days ago he told me he thinks we should break up and he is no longer in love with me. I asked more questions like where did this come from, did I do something wrong and then he revealed he feels dead inside and does not want to be alive and needs to fix himself before we can be together but he wants to be close friends. He told me he’s going to start seeing a therapist but I’m very worried because many times he says he will do something and does not follow through. I’ve never gone through a breakup before, never dealt with depression so I don’t really know what’s going on or how to help him. Of course I want him back, I’m still in love with him and I have no closure. I don’t know what the best thing to do is. I want to give him space but I don’t want him to completely forget about me and our relationship. I’ve spent the past day reading many stories and articles saying it’s best to be a friend to him. But I don’t know how to do that without bothering him. I sent a text a few hours after the breakup telling him that I’m trying to understand how he feels but I can’t since I’m not going through it, I would prefer for us to be together but his happiness is more important and that I will be here for him whether we are together or not. He never answered. He posted on his snapchat that he cleaned and rearranged his room and all the things I’ve given him were no longer there. This makes me feel like he’s trying to erase me from his life. Should I wait for him to reach out first? I’m so scared for him and for the future of our relationship.
Sam
Within this site, John does a great job defining the challenges of communication with a depressed partner. There also is another website – Depression Fallout – that speaks to the same topic. I encourage you to explore both.
I made many mistakes when in your position. My advice is to let him know you’ll be there for him if needs you, but I would put the ball in his court and cut off all correspondence. In my experience, I pushed, pushed and pushed to either get some closure or to love the depression out of my partner. The former only pissed her off, the latter is not possible.
Ultimately, as John writes, the depressed partner has to take on the challenge of the illness. If he or she wants to go it alone, that’s the way it will have to be. Happy endings are rare, I’ve uncovered, but pushing too much only puts longer odds on a reconciliation.
You’re going through something I’ve referenced as the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Stay active, connect with friends and do everything possible to keep your mind busy.
Sam, my boyfriend broke up with me on the 8. Of June, due to depression as well. I am suffering so much from the pain and I need to talk a lot about it, I feel alone. If you want a new friend dealing with something similar and you can feel free to talk about your bf as much as you need, I’d love to.
Same happened to me with my girlfriend and I can’t handle the pain of loosing her. And i just saw your message and i am desperate for someone to talk to.
i am available to talk, i understand the need. all i do is end up to talk about my bf that just broke up with me myself. i can use discord, skype, whatsapp. you can write me to my email supernovas [at] hotmail [dot] it
Thank you i really need to talk (sorry for replying late) i will reach out by mail and then maybe we can speak on whatsapp or discord. Hopefully it would be good for both of us
Hello nancy, how can i reach you on discord or whatsapp? I will send you also email
Hi everyone, I have been reading all of your comments and can say they have really helped me, as I thought I was imagining most of the things that were happening in my relationship and was to blame for it not going well at times, if he was in a bad mood & snapped at me & i snapped back then i was blamed for putting him in a bad mood & for being hard work, which i had never been told before by anyone else.
We had been dating for 7 months until lastnight. To be honest when I look back now I can see the signs of his depression from the 2nd week of the relationship, where he completely blanked me one day for no reason, then blamed a phone call from a supplier when i pulled him on blanking me, then blamed me & said when he’s like that i should know to give him space!!! We had only been dating 2 weeks at this point, spoke everyday on the phone, had numerous texts as you do at the start, then nothing this particular day & i am expected to know that this is what he does & know to keep quiet & stay away, my psychic abilities werent as sharp as they should have been that day!!! Again looking back, throughout the relationship there were more days like this which i then knew how to handle so let him ride it out & contact me when he was over whatever had annoyed him, never for one minute thinking it was depression.
Things started to slightly deteriorate between us 3 months into the relationship as he took a really painful side,he self-diagnosed a gall bladder problem, took a reaction to the pain medication but the scan & xray showed everything was healthy & clear, he then started taking sore heads, random pains in his legs, bum, various parts of his body, which he self diagnosed as sciatica, took different painkillers to treat the various pains & then took a reaction to them also, as in hallucinating at night, night sweats etc. From around that time he also got very tired early at night & ended up sleeping in the armchair & snoring really loudly, also putting on weight was an issue too, when this happened i was snapped at on numerous occasions because I am of slim nature & generally lose weight if im stressed or if something is bothering me – at times he would call me a skinny bitch or say i had a big ass, the skinny bit was true but the big ass wasnt – I would have let that slide but never would have poked fun at his personal appearance & pointed that out, to which I was met with ‘you cant take a joke, its very hard to know what to say to you because you take everything personally’ I’m the most easy going person I know but i draw the line at poking fun at people’s appearance, personality etc, i see it as a form of bullying & would never do that to anyone so dont condone it being done to me or anyone else either.
Half times i didnt know where i was in the relationship because some days he talked about me becoming his wife, buying land, planning to sell our properties to buy a holiday home to retire to in future years (I’m 48 & he is 51), things like that were often talked about (on his good days I have since learned), then other days he acted like a stranger & let on not to remember these things, or say to pass no remarks on him that he was only messing, quite often he would withhold the emotional & physical side of the relationship too, again blaming me saying that im not affectionate etc & if he didnt hug me i wouldnt hug him etc, again this wasnt me either as I’m hands on, warm, touchy feely. But sometimes I could sense a serious coldness or spikiness coming from him or knew by the look on his face that the form wasnt good so probably i retreated a bit at times as well. Shortly after this we had stopped spending the night together due to him falling asleep early, mostly on the armchair or sofa all night, or him giving me the silent treatment, which is hindsight is when the cloak began to fall & he could no longer hide what was happening, again I still wasnt picking up on depression.
Then lockdown happened & he went OTT and started obsessing about the virus & would hardly go to shop etc in case he caught it, he then started to pile on the weight & not take his dinner until late at night etc, all the time giving out to me that i was skinny or i had a big ass. He had been through a lot in the ten years before i met him, a failed business, a couple of failed relationships, and he was still paying off some of the debts from the failed business, i also had a failed marriage behind me but was able to start from scratch again & build up my business to which he took a swipe at me over, saying look at him failed business, failed relationships & all he could do was lie in the house for a few years & put on weight & still be in debt, whereas i was able to start again from scratch & build up a successful business – that was also another problem in the relationship i made more money than him and had more diposable income & savings, but he had more assets than me so i pointed out that if we both liquidated our assets & bank accounts we would both have the same left over, in fact he would have more.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago his form had deteriorated further & this was nearly every day, we talked & he said he thought he had a bit of stress or anxiety or was slightly depressed and that he wasnt interested in sex or didnt feel good about himself due to his weight or due to my (seemingly) more successful business, he says he needed time to feel like a man again, i said that was no problem, i loved him & i would support him & help him, if he wanted me to step back as in leave him to it i would do that & he said no, he wanted me to stay. The form constantly got worse, the tiredness got worse, the headaches got worse, i was constantly getting snapped at, my appearance was getting put down more & more – in his eyes i was getting skinnier & my ass was getting bigger, he told me to look at myself in the mirror to see i had miles on the clock, i was getting agey looking & pushed at a line on my forehead (again this is completely the opposite to how i look, I’m 48 but im constantly told by family, friends, work colleagues that i look younger). The final straw came on friday evening, where i made a healthy dinner then went out to help him on the farm, he constantly snapped & was more distant than normal, stayed a good distance away from me at all times, when i needed past him in a closed space he turned his head & wouldnt look at me going past & pulled himself in tight that i wouldnt even touch clothes with him.
Yesterday there was no communication at all, he didnt come in until 8pm for anything to eat, then i took the chance to have a talk & asked him had he ever felt this down before, he said at times, asked him how he dealt with it, he said he usually came out of it sooner & it hasnt lasted this length of time, i said i think hes depressed to which he agreed & he admitted he had lost interest in everything & that simple every day tasks on the farm seemed mammoth, that even going for cattle meal was a seripous journey & it 10minutes down the road, he said he had no interest in sex which i already knew because by now we werent even sharing the same bed. I told him again that I loved him & i understood he was getting it tight, as i did the day before & the day before that etc (the last time he told me he loved me was 4 weeks ago) and that i will either take a complete step back or stay on & help him in any way i can, he again said to give him a couple of weeks to straighten out his head to help him feel more like himself again, but this time he said if i wanted to step back a bit for a couple of weeks that was ok, i said no i didnt want to step back at all as i think he needs help, but i will respect his wishes and suggested taking a no contact break to the end of June to give him some time to himself & that if he needed me for any reason or needed my help or just needed to talk to give me a call, he was hesitant then i said sure if he doesnt need me for anything we can get back in contact at the end of June & see what way things are & we said our goodbyes.
On his good days he was teh most genuine, caring, decent person I ever met, but on his bad days if he was vocal, I was constantly picked at over my appearance, body, income etc & i know its his way of pushing me away because he needs time to straighten his head out. I didnt intend to write such a long essay but it has helped me realise that the depression has been going on a long time and has probably been making an appearance before my time as well.
This morning I’m feeling so guilty because I feel like I have abandoned him and am debating whether i should send him an I love you text also stating that I’m here for him if he needs me or should I just leave him to contact me if he needs me.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly accepted.
Thank you
Paula
An update – I ended up having to contact him today (Monday) about online banking issues, i did this by text rather than having to deal with a ‘dry’ phonecall, he kept his reply business like & then i ended the texting with telling him to make sure & reach out to me if he ever needs to talk or needs help with anything (I didnt include the i love you bit as I dont want to put relationship pressure back on to him) he never acknowledged my offer of help, not even a bare thanks for a reply.
Lesson learned, to everybody out there who thinks they should keep in contact after a break in the relationship is agreed upon, leave them to it unless you have to contact them for an absolute emergency, because their heads cant handle it! No matter what other communication comes my way in relation to business, online banking etc i wont be contacting him again until the agreed date of the end of June
Based on my own personal experience and various sites I’ve explored (including this one), going full no contact seems appropriate. It’s very hard, but communicating only to get no response or an ugly one is even more painful.
I’m hesitant to dive into other things, but I do think you need to step back and take a look at yourself, as well. You’ve put up with an awful lot for a long time. You mentioned odd behavior from him from almost the beginning of the relationship. Sticking around for as long as you have if you’d been with him much longer would be understandable, but it seems he just hasn’t been very nice or right for the majority of your relationship. My question is why put up with so long?
That is a very good question Cooper and will give me plenty to think about!!!
Reading all your comments feels so close to my story.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time. 9 years. We have gone through alot together, grown together. We haven’t really been seeing eachother throughout this pandemic, he has surprised me a couple of times and I have surprised him but that is really all. I saw him a week ago when where we actually “hung out.” We bickered slightly earlier in the week but still talked on the phone, he said he loved me, reassured me that we were okay and that things were going to be okay. He even (kind of) flirted with me. Then we slightly bickered, he said he would call me later, and then he broke up with me in person. He said he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me anymore. He said that he has been so depressed. The following day, I had such a gut feeling to go over and see him. I went to his house to talk and we talked for a while, he cried and he kept wanting to hug me and cry on my shoulder. He kept holding my hand, bringing up old memories, etc. He told me to go back home and rest and he would contact me, which he did. Then he even met back up with me later where we talked again and yet again he held me and said he wanted us to be happy together and make more happy memories together. I had asked him if he was unhappy and felt nothing towards everything in his life or just towards me and he said it was everything. The next day he texted me, kept speaking to me and we saw eachother again, where he mentioned wanting to hang out the next day. The next day he texted me first in the morning, reassured me he hadnt been ignoring me, asked me how I slept. Then later throughout the day he asked me what I was doing and I never brought up.hanging out, he did. We ended up hanging out, which was fine. He smiled, laughed, cuddled. Then this morning I wake up to a text explaining he really thinks he needs space and that he really thinks we shouldn’t see eachother for a little while and that he needs a little time. He said he was sorry but he thinks that this could help. He kept apologizing and he thanked me several times saying that I have been helpful and acknowledging that all I want to do.is help him but he needs to focus on helping himself. He consistently has mentioned how much he cares about me.
I love him so incredibly much. I wish he knew how much. I just wish I knew that things were going to be okay.
I am dating an old friend and she is demonstrating a behavior resembling an almost “I’ll do what I want in my relationship” type of lifestyle. She does not put things in prospective in daily life and there are a lot more crashes then there is good results. She is from a very toxic past with relationships and the former men she dated and I was raised a totally different way to treat ladies. She’s dipping off to have a private life keeps me out of things and will not be open or honest and throws a huge childish fit when I ask her about it.. now after just returning back home to my state she’s dropped a huge 4 month seperation time on my for some out of state school she’s leaving for in less than 1 day and she wants me to be here for her when she completes this school but she will not level with me nor will she show she’s trustworthy when I want to ask her about this “behind the scenes” life she wants to have.. as if to suggest I’m just another pawn in her games and she will not understand that what she is saying and what she is doing are two very different tqhings and I need to know what to do. I will not fool myself to believe that she’s gonna be there after that door closes behind her for this “school” of which she is being picked up from some older guy friend of hers to go out of state to this school to drop her off??? AAWWWW!!! 😠😡😤😕
Do depressed people start gaslighting, criticising, picking fights, doing silent treatments with their partners before they initiate the breakup? This was what I went through before my ex broke up with me.
I was not gaslighted, but I was criticized, had some ugly things said to me and got the silent treatment. Physical and emotional intimacy evaporated. Everything was such an outlier to what had been, and I went into a sort of shock. I wanted to catch her cheating on me or something like that just to help me cope.
I’m sorry to hear what you went through Cooper. I wish you all the best. I know what the way to healing is gonna be hard and long. But I’m sure it’ll make you stronger. Stay strong.
My ex broke up with me and I made darn sure to be loving and gave him the benefit of the doubt while he was in the process of switching meds. He proposed to me on Christmas. The next day he told his kids. The day after that we went driving around looking for places we’d like to live. The next day he broke up with me. He told me I was difficult and put all of the blame on me when I know for a fact I treated him better than anybody else I was ever with in my life. Everything irritated him because I didn’t understand why he just gave me a ring and then ended it four days later. The day before he proposed, he asked me what I would say if he asked me to marry him. Then he stood there for 20 minutes and gave me this talk about how I was everything to him. It was the most incredible words I’ve ever heard in my life and then all of a sudden the light bulb went off and things changed. That was five months ago and we haven’t spoken. He did pick fights, was extremely irritated at everything and then the silent treatment kicked in and it was over. I told him just because he is living with this depression doesn’t give him the right to treat me like crap . It was awful and meanwhile I still hurt from this and I’m sure he’s happy as can be. Heck, if I wanted a rollercoaster ride I should have just went to Great America.
Thank you for sharing your story Sherry. I’m sorry to hear you went through this hard experience. It really is devastating. Especially when it comes unexpectedly. The aftermath trauma is so hard to recover from. But you can do it. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
Hi!
I met my husband back in 2016 when he was having his 2nd bout of anxiety and depression. He was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression back in 2012 and had a history of suicidal thoughts and had cut himself in his early 20’s. I met him in Boston and both of us were going to the same grad school. We met on tinder and had a lot in common. He was going through a rough time and his friendship with his housemates had fallen apart. I had been in US only for 6 months when I met him so I was homesick myself and both of us met each other when we had our own share of lows and found comfort in each other’s company. What started as just a friendship with no hope for any relationship turned into a crazy love story and we madly fell in love with each other. After 6 months of dating he moved out of Boston to his home town and we started our long distance relationship. I was on a student visa and was only able to work for a year in the US after graduating. My original plan was to study, work and return to my home country but we both decided to get married instead. It was certainly sooner than I had hoped to get married. I was 25 when we got married in Cleveland which was more of a formality in order to start my green card paperwork and after that we had two more weddings. An Indian wedding in India (I’m Indian) and then an American Christian wedding. We’ve been married almost 3 years now and together for a little over 4 years. He is 30 and I’m 28. Being an international, inter cultural, inter racial couple we’ve had to navigate through a lot of challenges in our marriage and marriage as it is, is tough. But I recently found out that since last year my husband has been struggling in this marriage. But I only found out about it this January 2020. And when he started saying all the reasons they just didn’t make sense to me. Whatever he kept saying were facts of our marriage but he said that us being international couple, inter racial and inter faith couple is causing him anxiety and depression and basically our marriage causes him anxiety and depression. He even said when he met me in 2016 his faith was in shambles and he was not stable but fell in love and went ahead to marry me but since 2018 his faith has come back and become stronger and I thought that’s a good thing but it backfired on me because he says that now he thinks we no longer can be compatible. He thought he had become a new person and Christianity wasn’t as important to him as he thought it was and he was ok with having a Hindu wife and raising a secular household but now his faith coming back has become the major problem in our marriage. We had talked about all this before getting married so I just wasn’t able to wrap my head around all this. Every single aspect of our marriage to him now seemed like a problem. After marriage I moved to his hometown so he could complete his 2nd masters degree but I never wanted to move to his hometown as there wasn’t much opportunity for me from career perspective but I was willing to compromise until he was done with his Masters. We had plans to relocate to DC but as soon as he completed his masters he started giving hints that he has no desire to move cause he loves living close to his parents and extended family. I left my country, my family and friends pretty much everything for the sake of love and our marriage with a leap of faith hoping he would meet me in the middle and do the same. But the minute my turn came he retracted from all his promises. He would travel to India once a year for 2 weeks and complained how it is too big and too much for him to handle. Basically he just didn’t want to adjust or compromise and started viewing everything as a problem and on March 23rd amidst the pandemic decided to break up with me over a video call. I’m currently in India visiting family and he just called everything off saying he is struggling and wants peace. He unilaterally took the decision and didn’t even give me a chance. I know I wasn’t a perfect wife but I at least deserved a chance. He unilaterally took the decision and thinks that’s what is best and if I tried to contest or challenge it he says please let me go I’m begging you. I love you but if I stay with you I’ll lose myself. I’m heartbroken and sad. I feel very used and cheated. I had no objection to him practising his faith but me being a Hindu was all of a sudden a problem in this marriage. I just don’t understand. It seems like he loved me as long as it was convenient for him and the minute it was inconvenient and he had to compromise he chose himself over me/us. He has no idea how much anguish he is causing me. He is avoiding me because he says he will fall apart if he doesn’t avoid me. Life is so unpredictable. He was my first love and I married my first love and had so many plans for our future but it took him seconds to wipe that all away. I tried so much to salvage our marriage. I don’t know if it’s all his mental health that has lead to all this. Sending you all ladies in similar tragic circumstances lots of love and power. We will be ok. This too shall pass.
Love,
Ladybug (my husband use to call me ladybug)
Hi there
I believe my partner is suffering from depression. The latest episode has lasted 10 months now, and during this time he hasn’t responded to any of my messages. He lives alone and is unemployed too. He told me last April that he thought there was something wrong with him mentally (his words). I had an idea, as he’d had brief periods of “quiet time” before we started dating. Around this time, he also experienced what I now know were physical symptoms, e.g. crippling stomach cramps and unexplained aches and pains (Michael was also unaware of the link here). He also had upset sleep patterns due to watching cricket games on TV all night. Two months after the physical symptoms, he’d completely shut me out.
I know what I mean to him, so I’m really trying not to take it personally. He’s not close with his family, and had a bad relationship with his father since he was young (he’s 57 now, and his father passed away last year). I really feel like I’m the first person he’s really cared about.
I write him letters as his phone goes flat, but I’m careful not to do this too often (usually one every 2 to 3 weeks to remind him that I love him and I want to support him). I know he thinks I’m too good for him, but this is not true.
What else can I do for him? Reading about depression helps me understand a bit more, but it’s still hard.
Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
Nicola, Westport, New Zealand
It’s as if the author was watching me as he wrote this article; it was such a match it gave me chills. I pretty much did everything he outlined and my former lover reacted in the ways he mentioned. In short order she went from telling our few mutual friends she’d never been treated so well to expelling me from her life. Along the way there was the loss of her sex drive, aches, pains and headaches, an almost self-loathing no compliment could offset, sleeping issues and the dreaded irritability. Respectfully, she was rocked by two life events back-to-back, but then it seemed her inability to really participate in our relationship made her even more depressed. I asked for very little and did my best to support her, but, as the author mentions, depression and anxiety had warped her thinking. It was starting to take a toll on me, as well.
What was a little different in our situation is that she almost seemed to be dealing an addiction to being a mother and grandmother. She was single for quite awhile after a divorce and then a bad relationship, and one of her sons and a grandson became constant companions for her. I always respected these relationships, but now looking back I’m wondering if they were unhealthy, but I digress.
Anyway, this son, his wife and grandson moved far away with very little notice, and that started her slide which accelerated with a subsequent family situation. What was odd is that every time she would get to spend some time with them, mostly the grandson, she would become almost manic. Upon their departure she would commence to cry and disengage until she saw them again. The kids sort of helped her get out of depression but then put her back into depression when they left. I guess that’s a sort of addiction?
I really haven’t been able to find much on the internet about this sort of issue. Can depression be a cyclical thing with some very specific causes? Maybe it’s not depression but more like withdrawal symptoms? I did find a blog on the internet where hundreds of posters described the pain of dealing with a child and/or grandchild moving, so she is not alone. Why I had to be expelled from her life, however, is the question that keeps me up at night.
She probably left you because you didn’t get the pain that’s caused by not seeing a loved one it’s not an addiction it’s a grieving process. Loving ones children isn’t unhealthy. Her depression is justified.
If you told her she had an addiction to being a mother that’s when you probably lost her. As a mother myself the second someone anyone would question how much I loved my children would be the second every feeling would switch off
That’s a fair perspective. I never asked, however, I be put before her kids nor questioned how she loved or parented her kids or grandkids. I knew and made it very clear to her I considered myself fortunate to be in her life at all and would provide her any level of support she needed. More to the point, she shared with our mutual friends she ended things, because our relationship “wasn’t fair to me.”
I fully respect the grieving process and the subsequent depression associated with a child’s move. True, it’s probably not an addiction, but it does get to be unhealthy when that grief and depression turns into uncontrollable crying fits, insomnia, loss of libido, etc. It may be justified, but it also needs to be addressed. No child would want to know they put their parent into such a state…and eventually they’ll pick up on it.
This website has been helpful to me in my very complex and difficult situation. I have never written about it on here but I have read a lot here and felt much support from the stories and experiences of both the author and the comments.
I wanted to reach out to you because I felt the poster who replied to you was blaming you and I do not think helpful. No one knows what is really going on in another person’s head and why they abandon us. We can only look back and try and put it all together but in the end we are just hurting and miss their love and giving our love to them.
I hope you find some peace and perhaps one day you will meet her again or perhaps not and will meet someone more emotionally available. Whatever happens blame is not what you need. Unless a partner is abusive we all do the best we can and search for answers.
I was looking for an online support group and so happy that I found this page. I don’t feel so alone anymore. My ex and I were together for 7yrs. We had separate houses, but she spent most of her time with me. For the past couple of months, I have felt so helpless as I realize that nothing I did made her feel any better. I tried to help in little ways, but my ex made me feel as if they weren’t enough. She blames me for everything, and accuses me of being selfish, and thinking it’s all about me. One minute we’re fine, and she speaks to me lovingly, the next day she’s so cold and speaks as if I’m a stranger. We had a disagreement recently, and in the middle of it, she abruptly packed her things and left my houses. That was two days ago, she hasn’t spoke to me since. I’ve since reached out and sent her three text messages. The first one I apologized, and the last two were more supportive and letting her know she brightens my world, and that I’m here for her when she’s ready. She’s read them, but she hasn’t responded. I don’t know if I will see or speak to her again. It breaks my heart everyday that she’s not here.
My partner of 6 years left 1 month ago we’re engaged and had just moved into our first house. He’s gone back to his home country to stay with his family. He told me it was our relationship that was making him depressed, he’d had a breakdown and felt suicidal, that he needed space but would come back and we could work on us. He’s been getting counselling as have I as I admit I have some issues handling stress and can get angry, but we’d never really sat down and talked it through before until this. For the past month we’ve only been communicating via text as this was what he wanted.
This week he told me he was applying for jobs at home, but this did not tie him down, I told him this has made me feel very anxious and I wasn’t sleeping.
Yesterday he came over to get his car and said we would meet for coffee were he broke up with me. He was distraught, said he’s had a second. breakdown this week, been self harming and after speaking with his counsellor realised he cannot be in our relationship and needs to move back home. I tried to reason with him that we could work on things once he was better but he was adamant he cannot be in the relationship. That he still loves me, will always love me and hopes we can still see each other as friends.
I’m just very confused. I don’t feel I can accept this decision yet as I don’t know if this is truly what he wants or if this is the depression. I wonder if me telling him I was anxious had caused the second breakdown and he feels he just cannot be caring about 2 people at the moment. But at the same time I know our relationship wasn’t perfect and I don’t know if he has decided that it’s too much for him to stay in it and try.
The fact he’s saying he still loves me and still wants to be in touch as friends is leaving me with some hope, but I don’t know if there is?
I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are going through something like this.
Our stories are similar, but mine is more advanced as like “what happens after the breakdown and them running back home”. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. My boyfriend moved to my country so we could start our lives together in 2018. Adapting to the new country, the new job, etc he started acting erratically and kind of stop working in the relationship. I could see he was still trying to work on us but it was as if something was stopping him to make a decision. After 3 months he had a breakdown and told me he was depressed and that he had been cutting himself and that he was really scared of what he was thinking and that he needed to go back home. I was really sad and angry with him. I felt like he didn’t try at all for us and he just wanted to scape. He didn’t really cared of what I was feeling and told me he needed to go back home so he could get better and take care of himself to later be able to take care of us and me. When he got back home everything seemed to get better for him for like 2-3 months and then he started acting recklessly, erratically and just unreasonably again. He started working 14 hours a day and then on his day off something would always happen that we couldn’t talk (that he got into a car accident and was in the hospital, another day that he got arrested for speeding… ridiculous stories) It was scary and the worst part was that I couldn’t do anything because I was in a different country. After 5 months being back home he tried to take his own life and stayed 2.5 months in a mental facility (which was really hard for me because the family was not letting me be involved in this and would never give him his phone to talk to him… I only spoke to him 1 time during those months. I guess the family blames me which also made everything incredibly difficult for me). When he was released everything seemed to get better that summer and we kind of were getting our relationship back, but then he started saying his phone wasn’t working and that it was broken and he didn’t have money to get a new one… that happened last September and we are still in this situation. A shitty phone that only work with texts and sometimes calls and him being closed off and I try to help him but it is really difficult. He won’t go to therapy or take meds and whenever I tell him he can’t continue living like a zombie he tells me he will go, but then never does. He works 10-12 hours a day and then stays home doing god knows what. I’m watching him waste his life and let himself go away like this and it breaks my heart.
The point here is that, you need to take care of yourself. REALLY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I have been going through this for 1 year and 7 months now and until they don’t take the right steps to get better nothing will change. They need to do it. They love us, they really do but they just feel inadequate and we can’t change that. I started being happier and feeling like a whole person again when I started taking care of me and now I am here to help him and love him but from a distance. There’s not much I can do… I won’t abandon him but I am continuing with my life. Maybe one day we can get on with our relationships again, maybe, but right now we can’t and they can’t… so we can only be there for them because we love them and they have to do the rest.
I hope this gives you a different point of view and that you can get through this. Take care
I’ve spent the last few days reading comments here and just crying, so many of your stories feel so much like my own. My partner of 9 months blindsided me with a breakup last week: 2 days before Valentine’s Day and 2 weeks before my 30th birthday, citing stress, depression and inability to cope in his life. We never once fought. He never spoke to me in anger. He spoiled me rotten despite my protests and I had never felt so loved or taken care of before. He was there to try to fix every problem I had in the last 9 months from changing lightbulbs I couldn’t reach to buying groceries when I was broke and I was immediately shunned the first time he needed help and I offered in return. I saw him struggle with being sick and tired constantly the past few months, pull away from everyone but me, and recent transitions in his life were stressing him. Nothing I said to be supportive could help. Two weeks ago he said I was the best relationship he’d ever had and didn’t want to push me out of his life so I said I’d leave him alone if he needed it for as long as he needed. I am very independent and don’t need constant contact or togetherness to be happy. Did so for a week then he broke up with me via text, which goes against every moral he had throughout our relationship, he was always about important things being said face to face. I never pressured him to see or speak to me and genuinely understood his need to be alone. It has been a hopelessly confusing mess since then, no one has ever showed me the care or support he did and now he is gone. I am less sad about my boyfriend breaking up with me than I am feeling like my best friend is suffering alone and gone forever. I wish he could see himself as even 1/100 as amazing as I see him. Following the advice of this article and comments here, I sent a kind message several nights ago saying I understood why he made this decision and had no anger or judgment, and that I hoped we could remain friends when he feels up to it and will leave him alone until then. I also encouraged him to mention these struggles at his upcoming physical and told him to take care. This is all so sudden and my heart is broken but I understand this is not my fault, or his, and that I am powerless, he can only help himself. He said he was terrified of being toxic to me and didn’t want to be unfair so at least there is some comfort that he does genuinely seem to care for me. I just hope he learns to care for himself now. He is so special and I care for him so much.
Off on on with a guy who struggles with depression and anxiety. Have the same morals/values. Same goals and wants out of life. Hes walked away a few times and comes back but its very cyclic. I want him to be whole and happy regardless if its with me. Hes a great man when hr feels good. Hes a good father i can feel your pain. I wouldve married this man in a heartbeat. He struggles with the intrusive thoughts and they win. It is definetly hard.
Any update?
Sadly, the only update I can provide is that I now also have depression. Not a peep from him and I’ve given up all hope that I will ever get my belongings back or hear from him again. I reached out about a month ago trying to get my things and was ignored.
My story is a bit different but still relates. My boyfriend broke up with me after about only 2.5 months of dating due to him not being in a good place “spiritually, physically, and mentally” as he said. He told me he couldn’t give me his time like I deserved and was sorry for wasting my time. I told him that I completely understood where he was coming from and that he didn’t waste my time, in fact, I am so happy that I got to know him and that he was part of my life. I ended it with if he would mind if we could stay friends and he said that was totally fine with that.
Well, the more I think about his response and just him as a person is that he has a “move on” mindset in that bad things happen every day so why dwell on it. He had a pretty bad childhood and idk if he’s dealt with that yet bc he never opened up to me about it ( just very broad topics that I don’t feel comfortable discussing). He just had a completely broken home and it really shaped who he is today. He’s been hardened and I just want to help him. I’ve over him and the relationship even though I do miss him from time to time but I just want to be there for him. I’m aware I may not be able to but I want to at least try.
Either way, he said he wasn’t in a good place and I was just wondering if it would be weird if I reached out to him after a month or so just to check-in. Also, is a month too long or too short amount of time to do it? Thanks
Everyones timeline is different, peoples moods can take days or years, you just dont know sadly. Sometimes mental health can attach unwillingly to people close to you so they push them away in doing so it never really detaches
7 years.. me and my partner had the amazing relationship from square one, inseparable always bouncing off each other, lived together after 6month, saved up bought a house after 5 years, had a dog for 4 years, I had a child from a previous relationship who has always been a part of her life whose now 8.
I’m currently left in a shell of a house after my partner left suffering major depression. It’s been a tough couple of years on both parties with family deaths and other family issues.
In November she left on a break suggested by the therapist telling me how much she was going to miss me and how we’d speak everyday and facetime. When she left she got cold, unresponsive argumentative. Drove me up the wall and sent me into depression too, luckily not too bad. The 3 week ended and she didnt come back but wanted to keep trying with the relationship, still cold and unresponsive mainly. By the time new year had been we’d seen each other twice since November, an exceptionally lonely Christmas! It took a great deal of effort to get the tree up for my daughter. We met on the 2nd for a date which went great both had a great time and couldnt wait to see each other again, but the day after cold and unresponsive again. It’s been this way alot weve slowly seen more of each other but shes also ended the relationship saying she cant work out her own thoughts to deal with one. I love her like the moon loves the stars, I’ve never know pain like this, shes only managed to see her therapist once since the original ‘leaving’ I just dont know if I should hold on or just let go, the day after is always hardest having a good time then confusion. We’ve both kept our relationship online set together as if nothing has happened, spoke about changing it but left it as it is. Would distance make it easier for her and myself or would it just drive the wedge further away? I feel the more we see each other the closer we become but as soon as we are apart torment.
If anyone has any advice at all I’d be greatful
Dear Josh, i am so sorry you are going through this- I know just how it feels as i am going through something very similar too. My fiancee of 7 years told me he doesn’t want to marry me just as we were about to put the deposit down on our wedding. He is considering leaving the relationship. He is pointing blame at me for all of his feelings. We have just got our first house together a recently brought a puppy, the last year has been the best by far! I can recognize he is depressed but he thinks its me that is causing his despair. He feels isolated and lonely, controlled and unhappy. One minute he is sad the next he is angry? I just don’t know what to do for the best, he wants to leave but hasn’t taken the plunge, i don’t want him to leave but don’t want him to suffer and resent me. I am so sad and heartbroken that actually i don’t want to go home any more as I am so lost as what to say or do. I could get home and he will have left every thing is up in the air and I am so confused..
Hi Louise, I hope your doing well! I’m not sure how your situation is but I called it a day and left her too work on herself she moved elsewhere and we cut contact for a few months. In that time I focused on myself my friends and my family, she got into contact with me in May and apologised for everything she put me through and wanted to continue where we left and are now happily progressing through life with a baby on the way.
Its almost impossible to see clearly in depression and without taking things out of the equation you don’t really know what it is you want or what makes you happy.
I wish everyone the very best
Josh
I write to you all sitting in a strange house, having had to leave my home because my depressed partner broke up with me for the 3rd time in 3 years. Citing her mental health and inability to love and connect properly, it’s over (again). I cannot tell you the pain and confusion and stress this has caused me. Now I feel depressed! I know I kept going back because I loved her, but I would not be sitting here now in this pain if I had simply just stayed away after the first time. But you always want to cling on to hope that things can get better. They never did – in fact, they just got worse. She is on her own struggling with her health now. I am very worried, but the ability to help has been taken away. My priority must be my own health now and I feel very battered and bruised and down. I miss her and love her so much – it’s so painful.
What would my advice be to people that I could not listen to myself. As hard as it is, if you know deep down it isn’t right for you, try and find the strength to leave. If they cannot love themselves, they cannot love you and they need to go on this journey by themselves. That is not to say cut them off, because depression can be a killer and you would not want that on your conscience, but ultimately if it is causing you all this pain, you are simply being dragged into their hell and life is too short. I did not have the strength to leave – I kept going back for more in vain hope it would be ok. I have to concentrate on me now and work out why I did that.
the hardest thing walking away from the love of your life I was with my fiance for 19 years when the bombshell dropped out of the blue. I could tell you we had the greatest love story. I seen a lot of changes in him looking back ended up cheating on me that’s what sent him into a depression. It’s been 5 years since he locked me I’ve been trying to break free tell him at least once a week to leave me alone I want to get on with my life but he always calls I know deep down inside he still loves me and he’s still struggling but he can’t say it and he won’t admit it.He is living with someone else but I know for sure that’s not going to work out long run. he puts a lot of confusion into my head. I don’t know why I can’t be strong enough to walk away. We’re both in our 50s he has a new relationship and I can’t seem to move forward I guess I’m holding on to the Past. I wish I had the strength.. when this first happened I was lost and confused and I myself went into a deep deep depression I have since recovered and I focus on the positive in my life. not sure if we’ll ever get back together but I know I have to try to move forward as hard as it. He is the love of my life and I lost him to depression
Very wise words.
It is essential to look after yourself and not go down into their hell.
I gave up on my ex a long time ago.
No way was i going to let him blame myself and our kids or our relationshop of 30 years plus for things we were not responsible for, fair enough had we done something wrong but we hadn’t.
Unfortunately many will say theyre off on their own to deal with it but in many cases it is done to avoid getting help or continuing with therapy.
My ex met an alcoholic woman, he has spiralled and also now an alcoholic. We discovered this year he has now married her. Guess its a bit like him taking the pin out of a grenade and holding it. We are all relieved we are no longer part of his mind games and head f**k situation.
Keep looking after yourselves and own sanity.
Hey, looking for advice. Most of your stories I have read feel the exact same as mine.
Me and my boyfriend had been together for 3 years, we loved eachother so much. With eachother every day and classed each other as soul mates. We were so compatible and got on so well.
Our relationship was not all plane sailing, we had many arguments but we had a strong bond and got past each one.
Up until about 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And also suicidal thoughts. He had lost his job, his best friend had stopped speaking to him (long story) and he found himself spiraling out of control having a massive break down. I tried so much to be there and support him but I felt like I was a punch bag. Every thing was my fault. I would try to talk to him and he would say ‘you don’t understand’ or ‘it’s all about you’ it really upset me because I felt I jsut couldn’t support him. Anyway he ended up blocking me and ghosting me for about a week. I tried to reach out many times. Eventually I stopped that and I heard from him around a week later. We met up over dinner and he was still angry with me. He cried and was saying I didn’t understand what he is going through and I wasn’t there to help him. I tried to tell him I want to help him so much but we need to stop fighting and it made it worse. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since that time he either goes from telling me how much he loves me and how much he needs me to ghosting me again. We have met up a few times and it was been great. But as soon as I’m not with him he doesn’t reply. I went round his yesterday to talk about us , checking if he was okay, and he blamed me for everything again saying he can’t do this anymore. And that I’m making him worse. I was completely destroyed I quickly left. I sent him a really nice message to let him know I do love him and I will be here if he needs me and I got no reply. I feel like I have to let him go now but it’s so hard cos I know under there is the man I fell for. I’m so confused and not sure what to do.
Can anyone help?
Hi I was with my ex for over 6 years married and she suffered really bad depression on and off in that time.
Like your situation we had our ups and downs and amazing chemistry and were soul mates and were able to work through the arguments until breaking point and until then lived in each other pockets and needed no one else to be happy with a lot of great memories.
She kicked me out and said she needed to work through her depression and couldn’t handle our relationship and we both cried and accepted that she was probably right, really sad but true. She then changed her mind and said she was confused by her condition and wanted me to try again. I got back having accepted that it might be over as I was holding out for things to get better for a few years but it was constant ups and downs and treading on egg shells, living on edge as anything could set her off. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right to make her happy and likewise became a punching bag and lost myself in it all, holding out for a brighter day.
I felt trapped but confused as I loved here so much and still do but after a big bust up I found the courage to leave. It was really messy and got a lot worse before it got better. I went through so many confusing emotions and the divorce dragged out for more than a year and we had some traumatic court room meetings which very upsetting for both of us. I thought I was coping and put on a brave front but in reality I was an absolute mess, binge drinking several times a week, being reckless, getting into even more debt, not looking after myself, putting my job at risk, health and finances at risk and not really caring about the consequences or the future.
In reality I was depressed with the grief for the past year, even though the rational part of my brain knew it was the right thing to do I was in complete turmoil but did acknowledge it and instead tried anything to distract myself with vices until I slowly to strayed to work through my own grief and issues and loneliness dealing with such a huge loss in such sad and dramatic circumstances.
We are still sorting finances out as the sell out martial home which she is making difficult as she lives there and is still signed off work with depression and has not motivation to sell. So the whole thing turned our lives upside down and we are still processing it 18 months on but I didnt feel I could make her happy anymore and i wasn’t happy either.
She has to go on her own journey, working through her depression and finding ways to cope and to love herself. I like you question have I done the right thing and see others suffer with depression is so painful and we probably don’t really understand the impact until you are able to have time and distance to take a step back and look at how much it can change everything. A lot of behaviours of people with depression is unpredictable and there isn’t a guidebook on how to navigate it, often they want to be listened too but at the same time will blame and hurt the one closest to them the most. I looked past this most of the time as I could see the kindest soul and one of the sweetest most gentle human beings I’ve met, but it got too much and too volatile that I felt I had run out of ways of coping myself that it actually caused me anxiety that I have never experienced before.
Anyway sorry to rant but in the middle of waiting for the divorce hearing (about 5 months after I filed for divorce) my ex bumped into me near my workplace after I had blocked her phone number and contact had been maintained only through our solicitors as so much raw emotion and pain was involved in both sides. Initially I thought maybe we should talk, some time had passed and I missed her like crazy and still loved and was attracted to her and cared about her wellbeing. It didn’t take long to hear how I was the one who destroyed their life and was to blame for everything. But then she would flip the other way and she would say she actually really did love me and didn’t know what love was until she met me and until I left to realise what she had and what we had together. She would then flip the other way and shout and scream and cry and be vulnerable and it was all very traumatic and just brought up so much raw emotion and there was nothing I could do to make it better and hanging around or maintaining contact didn’t seem wise and counter productive to her and I processing the grief of the loss and finding our own paths post break up.
Everyone’s story is different so no one can really tell you what is right for you and your ex. You may reconnect and accept that depression won’t necessarily go away but your ex might find ways of living with it and mitigating the impact it has on him, his life and those closest to him.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide life is complicated and everyone deserves to be happy and find peace. Really look after yourself so you alone are responsible for your happiness, it is within you and your control. Likewise I hope your ex learns to love himself and seeks the tools, coping strategies, understanding and professional help he could really benefit from.
I tried to push my ex towards these things but ultimately it is up to them and sometimes being alone may be exactly what they need to seek out these tools and resources on their own journey. Also for you being alone maybe you need to work through the loss and accept that you may never reconnect and there may be things you need to work through to be the happiest most at peace person you can be before seeking to reconnect with your ex or someone else as there are always areas we can work on mentally and spiritually to be more rounded, kind loving people.
Take care and best wishes! I hope this helps!
My girlfriend (22) of 7 months who I (24)have known for 10 years recently asked for a break because her university classmate committed suicide. She did not know him well and on the same day her kid got injured at daycare but was alright. At the time when she was in university, she was also working part time and studying. Her home life was not the best, growing up with an alcoholic dad and an ex who abused her. She’s just had an overall terrible go in life so far.
We first started dating and clicked quickly, falling for each other within months. She informed me she has major depressive disorder, severe anxiety and probable PTSD from her abusive ex. The best part? I have the exact same disorders she does and we are both medicated and seeing therapists.
About two weeks after her classmate committed suicide, she went to see her psychiatrist and they recommended that me and her go on a break until she’s mentally healthy again. So we went on a break for a week and then I reached out to her. She informed me she’s not really doing any better but she will be better eventually. She said she was okay with taking again. She informed me that trying to keep a relationship, take care of her kid, work and study nursing were all very hard and stressing her out(she apologized and said she knows it’s hard on me).
After about another month and a half I met up with her a couple times for a drink and a coffee to discuss the relationship. I told her I love her and I’m here for her but want to make sure she wants to still make this relationship work. She replied with “I think so”. I left it at that and stayed in touch every day just by saying good morning and goodnight, occasionally asking how she’s doing. At this point it’s been about 3 months now and she had to drop out of school because she said she doesn’t know what she wants in life and it was stressing her out too much to balance that lifestyle. Every time i ask to talk about the relationship she answers a few simple questions but then says it’s stressing her out and that she’s not ready to have this conversation. I’ve been home on holidays for 2 weeks trying to see her and she says she’s busy with work or friends so she can’t see me, but always says sorry. At this point I would just like to know if I should break contact for a while completely then check in again later, or if I should continue to message her to let her know I’m thinking about her? She says she loves me when we’re in person but never initiates communication with me by text or phone.i always have to reach out to her now. I have no idea what to do at this point. Thanks for sticking it to the end reading this. Any advice helps.
Hi Blaine,
I know what your going through. It’s so hard losing the one you love through depression. And knowing you have done and said what you Can to prevent it and it doesn’t get you anywhere. As I’m going through it myself and asking for advice too, I’m maybe not the best to give it you as I’m just as confused as you. You jsut want to hold on and hope they come back and everything is going to be fine. But your heartbroken and scared. Scared your going to lose the one you love forever. It’s a horrible feeling. But your not in control of what she chooses to do. She may realize how much she truly loves you when she is in a better place and reach out to you jsut give her the time. I feel as though I’ve maybe text my boyfriend too much so I will be waiting to see if he reaches out to me, I sent a lengthy loving message and told myself that will be my final one unless he replies to me, it may take a day or a week but if they don’t reach back out then it will be time to let them go and go on with your life and look after yourself. As hard as it will be. If it’s meant to be it will happen.
Thank you for this post. You had described everything that happens during these 6 months. She want to be friends with me and I agreed, hoping that maybe we could back together, but that only it’s causing me pain. Every site, article or page that a read tells the same: I should focus on my mental and emotional health. I feel I little bit less alone knowing that I’m not the only one living through this.
This page has been such an eye opener for me and truly been a blessing.
My boyfriend of 2 years ended things with me yesterday due to years of anxiety and depression becoming too much for him. Leading up to it in our relationship things had become tense and very much less happy and fun as they used to be. I recognized this and as much as I tried to get back to the “old us” it just wouldn’t happen. Finally things came to a point where I asked point blank if he wanted to be with me and he said “I don’t know what I want”. I kept asking and he kept this answer. He said he didn’t think he makes me happy and I was making things harder. After a few days of not speaking I finally begged him to tell me if we were still together or if it was done. He informed me that we were done. He said that he wished me the best, but that this had to happen in order for him to get his life together. He sounded so cold on the phone. Almost like he was already over it.
I initially went into shock and tried to tell him he does make me happy and that I know what I signed up for, but it didn’t work and his mind is made up.
It took me a little bit before sending him a message telling him I understand and I want him to be happy- to which he never responded.
Thinking about all the things I should’ve done different is eating me up. If only I could get back to how we were in the beginning then he would be doing better and want to be with me. I am struggling at the idea that I may never hear from him again and hoping maybe when he gets better he’ll reach out. But then my brain rationalized and tells me if he took the time to break up there is a chance he will always see me as someone he can’t be happy with and we will never be together even if he gets help.
This is the hardest thing I’ve gone through and I appreciate this page so much!
This sounds like what happened to me a month ago. My wife of 4 years (been together for 8 years) did the same thing. It’s the hardest thing to do and seems impossible for you now, but you just have to let them go. You’re not in control of what they do. You’re only in control of yourself. I still very much struggle with this. But it really is the best thing to think, you’re better than constantly feeling like you could of done something to change their choice. So during this pain, find yourself, find what makes YOU happy. Do everything you want to do and try to focus on yourself. And find people that are emotional support, don’t go through this alone. It’s a dark time and there are people that have your feelings in mind.
Good luck and just know you’ll make it through.
This sounds exactly what happened to me. This page has put things into perspective for me. Although I still question if I should reach out or not.
Hi I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I too am going through the exact same thing and it’s been heart breaking and I’ve had the same worries and guilty feelings if could I have done more. Mine broke up with me on my birthday said he still loves me but needed to work on himself and couldn’t hurt me anymore with his stuff. Before that we were perfect together and he was planning our lives together and I was so happy. We went on trips and did everything together.. Never fought.. He was supportive and caring and he wanted me to move in with him, etc. Then one day things started to change.. He grew angry and irritated with me over trivial things and stopped wanting to go out or do anything including things he enjoyed doing like working out. His drinking increased as did his sleeping and things became tense. I didn’tknow what was happening to the man I loved I try to talk to him as best I could and asked how I could support him and he did open up to me a few times about his depression and for a few days we would do better but then would go right back to angry and started pushing me away. I kept thinking it was me that I was doing something wrong and it was killing me because all I wanted to do was love him.. when he broke up with me similar to your story it was very cold with no emotion and that hurt a lot as well. Its been three weeks since we broke up and I’ve heard from him only once where he basically said he still cared for me and that he knew everything was his fault and he prayed that I did not hate him. I of course told him I did not hate him and that I still care for him and loved him as love does not go away that quickly. Every day is painful and I miss him terribly. I did not beg him to stay because I know that’s not what he needs right now but I did tell him I was there for him and all I pray for is that he will start to get help and come back. Did you ever hear from your ex? How are you doing now?
I keep this page permanently open in my phone so that when I start feeling like I need to see him and find out how he is I am reminded that I’m wasting my time and risking my own heart again. He can’t be there for me and he won’t let me be there for him. It can only end badly. I feel so guilty and so sorry for him that he suffers but I can’t sacrifice my happiness when I know I can’t help.
Seeing yet more people post their stories is so sad but so helpful. Thank you all.
Hi Daisy,
Yep, it feels pretty sad and hopeless. I’ve been removed and likely blocked, though I haven’t reached out to find out. I sent an email in which I simply offered to be supportive and told him that I know he can get through this tough thing. I did not get a response. I have no idea if I will ever hear from him again. I know he doesn’t hate me, but he is probably ashamed for hurting me. The self-loathing was real and it was very hard to see him apologize for every little thing, and feel like he is a bad partner instead of telling me how he was feeling.
Your response spoke to me and my situation on a deep level. I am dealing with the same thing that you are and it is agonizing. I have nothing else to share other than to thank you for posting and saying that I am grateful for this thread.