I’ve often described the way depression can break up close relationships, but does the illness explain everything? How responsible are depressed partners for the human cost that others pay because of what they do when they’re ill?
One reader told me I’d confused her about this. First, I talked about depression taking over someone, as it had done to her husband. The angry stranger he became was the opposite of the man she had married. He became remote, blamed her for everything and left for a time.
Depression can do that. If it’s treated effectively and goes away, however, it might be possible for the old, familiar person to return and the couple to get close to each other again.
It seemed to her that I was putting all the blame on depression, as if the couple had been hurt by flying debris in a tornado and then could heal their wounds after the storm had passed.
Thinking about her partner’s leaving and coming back made more sense to her when explained as the impact of a destructive illness. It wasn’t really him acting in those terrible ways but an inner monster that was driving his behavior and twisting his thoughts. To some extent, that’s true, and I have often described it that way.
But I’ve also talked about the responsibility of recovering partners to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. They were the ones who acted abusively, had affairs, left home without a word, then returned and apologized, then left again – or did other things just as destructive to their families.
When I talked about depressed partners in that way, she thought I couldn’t empathize with her returning husband. He was back, full of remorse and trying with her to restore the relationship. It sounded to her like I was blaming him, after all, rather than his depression.
I know it’s confusing, but this isn’t an either/or choice. Depression causes the changes in behavior, even personality, but depressed partners still need to own up to the damage and pain their actions have brought about. I believe that is an important part of recovery.
It’s such a complicated and sensitive thing to talk about – especially when answering a question from someone who is trying so hard right now to understand what happened.
Though I’ve written about this before, I doubt I’ve ever hit the right balance in describing the way I see it. And, of course, the way I see it only comes out of my experience and won’t necessarily match what others are going through.
Depressed partners can’t simply put the blame on their illness, assure their partners that all the hurtful behavior wasn’t aimed at them and expect that everything will get back to the way it used to be.
I know that doesn’t work because I used to think that way. After a long spell of sullen withdrawal, feeling like my wife was to blame, wanting to get away, I’d snap out of it and be responsive and loving again. I’d feel deeply remorseful but explain what had happened with words like these:
You have to understand that it wasn’t about you. It was all about depression and what was going on inside me.
That was sincere but didn’t help much. Both of us wanted to believe that I was back, and that we could pick up where we had left off. However, things weren’t really the same at all.
Before long, I’d get depressed again, then come out of it, offer the same explanation and feel the same remorse. My wife couldn’t accept that explanation after the first couple of episodes.
She’d tell me:
How can you say it wasn’t personal? You did this to me not to a shadow in your head. How am I supposed to trust you now? I never know who you’ll be from one day to the next.
Saying it was all depression wouldn’t cut it. I had to accept the reality that I had done deeply hurtful things to her. I had to own up to what I had done, get help and work with her to restore trust.
I also had to face her anger. That wasn’t easy for her to express, and it sure wasn’t easy for me to hear. With the help of a therapist, she could get it all out, and I could sit there and take it without trying to fight her off or get angry in return.
What I had done really sank in then. For the next day or two I felt a deep grief. My eyes were clouded with tears much of that time. That’s when I fully grasped the emotional impact on my wife and kids and could see in bright sunlight how much I had put at risk.
After that, I could never again rely on the idea that depression alone had done the harm. It did its work through me and my behavior. I had to learn how to live with the illness and limit the damage I might do to my family while under its influence.
Worrying about what the cause was, who or what is to blame, isn’t going to help much. What happened is done and can’t be undone. Yes, depression will change behavior in drastic ways, but treating it successfully doesn’t bring a relationship back to what it had been.
I put it this way in another post about broken relationships:
… the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
It’s a great thing when a relationship can adapt to the impact of depression and survive. Many don’t, especially when the illness keeps coming back. There’s a lot anger, hurt and broken trust to deal with, and treating the illness of one person won’t do it for you.
That’s been my experience. Has it turned out differently for you?
Hello,
I am having a very tough being if the year. My boyfriend of 2years broke up with me in the 1st of the year. He’s been trying to figure life out and he’s been frustrated about a lot of things not moving forward; business, career and all and he recently moved back with his parents but he has nothing doing so he is at home most of of the time.
I sensed he started being very withdrawn and snaps over small things and I was really getting worked up about it all. He had mentioned that he usually gets bouts of anxiety & depression especially when he gets broke But he isn’t someone who talks a lot lot about his feelings.
He started acting very withdrawn. I also have this ptsd from past relationships where peoole just left so I was feeling like that was about to happen again and the fear crept in. I kept asking him if I had done something wrong and why he was just angry at me but this made him withdraw the more. At this point I didn’t know that it wasn’t about me… I just wanted him to talk to me but I only succeeded in pushing him further away.
So on the 1sr of the year, we just spoke a little and I apologised about the emotional outbursts telling him I just wanted him to talk to me and he just said he was tired of the relationship and said we had to break up.
I have been so devastated and confused and just asking myself what I did wrong. In Nigeria we don’t have mental health support and many peoole go untreated. We don’t even have it easy getting to therapy or counselling so we largely rely on God and fixing it ourselves. It’s hard for me because when I remember him saying he is tired of the relationship I can’t help but feel it’s something to do with me and how I’ve been trying to just get him to talk to me and give me some attention. I feel so bad now knowing that I was probably acting selfish and not seeing that he was getting depressed and frustrated with life… He also now mentioned that we weren’t in the same town & that we were both AS (this is something we had known before we got pretty serious and accepted to look out medical options for) so him bringing it up really hurt me and made me feel he was just looking for more points to solidify that we had to breakup. In the end he said Maybe it’s not even about me… I had tot of many possible reasons including maybe him seeing someone else and it drove me to speak to his brother who disclosed everything to me saying my (ex) bf is going through a tough episode right now including everything about his depression and all
We had met his parents, my mom and all his friends so things were pretty serious. I sent him a text yesterday just to encourage him… Nothing about the relationship and he replied saying he really appreciated it.
Now I’m worried going through all your experiences here. Did my complains push him further away? Should I go to see him and just tell him that I understand? Over text it could trigger some negative feeling especially if he doesn’t reply or respond. Should I give him some space? What if he moves on from me? I don’t want to lose him at all but there’s so much we haven’t spoken about especially how his withdrawal makes me feel and how it appears to me that now makes me talk (what he calls complains and emotional outbursts)
Please help me. I don’t want to do anything that would push him further away like going to visit him at home with hopeS that we can talk about it. What if he doesn’t want to see me???
Have you noticed anything strange about his behavior like breaking things? Does he take any pills?
Don’t know if anyone can relate to this. Me and my Gf broke up at the start of September 2020, it was out of the blue, she just said she can’t handle the relationship right now and wants to stay clear from them. Her father passed away two weeks before we broke up towards end of August. She just sent me a text out the blue saying’ I can’t 100% commit to relationship right now, can you come pick all your bits and pieces up.
We had the most amazing relationship and connection well that’s at least what I thought.
We have been still in contact through text, but usually me initiating the contact every now and then I send a text, sometimes a week apart or two weeks. I have mentioned since September to now January 2021 about meeting up for a walk, but she always says she will let me know, but never materialises.
But my question to you lot is, if she wasn’t interested in me anymore why wouldn’t she just say look I don’t want to meet up with you anymore and wish me all the best for the future. I still love her and she knows this, but it’s just all one way traffic. Can’t get her on a phone call and can’t get her on a meet up.
I went through similar experience. Wanna talk about your and mine situation?
Hey all,
Thank you for sharing all your stories. I am in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 9 years. She suffers from depression but had recently been taking medication and seeing a counselor to try to help things. Unfortunately these things didnt help and she was admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. While she was in the hospital she was constantly telling me she loves me, and wanted to get better for our relationship. When she returned home from the hospital it was a completely different story. I got the silent treatment and was told that she no longer wanted to be in the relationship because she was so messed up.
I responded very poorly as I couldn’t understand why she was doing this. During our relationship I never took her cries for help seriously. I would try to fix her problems for her Instead of just standing by her. I never understood the reality that depression was this serious. Looking back there were a lot of times were I should have done things differently. I recognize my mistakes about the matter and have been doing ton of research on depression.
I decided to give her space and just be available whenever or however she needs. During her first week out, she would constantly leave my texts unread. The 2nd week however I started getting little messages here and there asking for little favors. I love this woman and truly believe we are ment for eachother. I have started counseling as well to be better prepared to support her in the way she needs. I just get confused by the mixed messages. She asked me to cat sit for her during a recent move which I was happy to do. But then I dont hear anything for a couple of days. She had then asked me if she could do laundry at my house during her move. If were not together, why wouldn’t she just go to a laundry mat instead of hanging out with me while doing laundry? I feel like iam getting mixed signals.
Regardless, I’ve decided to be in her life as little or as much as she wants. But I cant help but worry that when she gets better, I’ll be out of the picture. Has anyone felt like they were getting mixed signals? Am I looking to much into things? Has anyone had a reconciliation with a similar story?
I am writing this, in the hopes that I would find some answers. Any answers would help, because I can not go on like this. Near the end of 2017 I met the woman of my dreams. I didn’t know it when we first met, but I knew it soon enough. She was drawn to me almost instantly. Fast forward a couple of dates later, I found myself, falling madly in love with her. We got in a relationship, and despite how short lived that relationship was, it was my heaven on this earth. I had met her parents, and formed a beautiful relationship with her, which she adored.
Fast forward three month later, she has become withdrawn. I noticed the change immediately, and I asked her about it, she told me that she has suffered depression all her life, and that she is going through a depressive episode, and she just needs space.
She doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to deal it with it on her own.
I was understanding, and I didn’t try to push. I told her I am here, and we will do this together, even if we’re not physically in the same space. Two weeks a later, I woke up to a gut wrenching text. She broke up with me. I called her, because I couldn’t believe what I had just read. She was crying, and she said in a broken voice ‘I love you, but I can’t be with you right now’.
I felt my heart being torn out of my chest.
But I made it my entire life’s mission to understand first what depression is, talked to a therapist, stayed in contact with her mom. I was not going to let her go.
Eventually she grew ever darker. And every time she saw she hurt me, she became more distant.
One time she hurt me so bad, and I told her that there’s nothing she can do that will make me give up on her. If her goal is to push me away, she is going to have to rip my heart out.
Not long after that, she was getting worse, and worse.
Drinking, being cold to me. So her mother advised me to take a step back. And so I did.
And a month later when I texted to see how she’s doing, she told me she doesn’t want me to wait for her, and that she’s interested in someone. Even though she had told me, she didn’t leave me to be with another.
It has been a year since she left me, and she seems happy in her new relationship.
She erased every trace of me from her social media. EVERYTHING.
And then out of the blue, I ran into her. And to my surprise, she approached me.
I was gobsmacked. The woman I love was there, in front of me. She approached me with a smile on her face, as if nothing had happened. But all I could feel was pain. So I just said it was nice seeing you and walked away. After a couple of weeks, the guilt was tormenting me. For turning her away. So I texted her, apologizing. And to my surprise, she turned around and blocked me on social media, even though I had texted her. I didn’t send my apology via social media. And please note, that during the year we have been apart, she has been blocking, and unblocking me non stop. Without any provocation from my end.
She even said ‘I am in a relationship, and we do not need to exchange texts’
I was just apologizing, I wasn’t asking her to come back to me.
I am living in complete agony. It feels like I was reading a book, and the last chapter in that book, the chapter that matters, and wraps everything up, is missing. So I don’t know how the book ends, and it’s tearing me apart.
Did she even love me at all? Did she fake her depression?
Is any of this normal?
She won’t face me. She refused to see me since the day she left me.
But I need to know if this is normal, or if I was just living a lie. Because I can not go on like this.
Please, someone, anyone, tell me if this is normal..
Hi sue, i’m almost on the same boat as you. It was short-lived but we were madly in love, we are both in our late 30s. we share so many idiosyncrasies and synchronicities. He has told the closest people in his life how happy he is and how comfortable he is with me. Sweetest, loving, considerate man I’ve ever been with. We both expressed seeing each other in our future and how lucky we feel to find as weird as we were. He has told me before that he had some depression before and he eventually got over it after a few months.
And then, the dark cloud came. he got sick, chronic coughing which lasted a month, he was sleep deprived and the results were taking so long. He sank into depression, feeling hopeless, telling me he is no longer a good catch. Days before he broke up with me, he texted me out of the blue that he was missing me. And then days after, he texted me has become apathetic towards me, that he see no future for us anymore. I was gutted. I felt a gallon of cold water was dumped on me. It’s been a month since the breakup. Neither of us has reached out. I don’t even know how to text him to get my things, he hasn’t texted me about it either, and he is moving out of his room for rent either july or august. We are not both into social media on personal stuff so none of us is posting pics that one is doing “great” without the other. he only posted a funny old pic he found from years and years ago, 2 weeks after the breakup, no caption either. It’s very hard not to take things personal, even if you understand depression, and I do. I was in a 4 month hole. But I wasn’t with anyone so I don’t know how to handle this. My friend did say I was emotionally indifferent, but at that time she didn’t know I was going through hell, when she called me a “b” cos I wasn’t empathizing with her during a tough time between her and her bf, I wasn’t mad, I didn’t care if she called me that. I didn’t feel anything.
My anxiety has given me interrupted sleep for a month now. Tossing and turning if he has gotten back with an ex, or dating a new one. I don’t care actually if he is sleeping around because depression can make you do anything to distract yourself and make you “feel” something again. Did your gf move on to a new one immediately? Depressed people, as I have experienced, will feel what psychiatrists call “fantasy escape”. And since we don’t have any logic in our head, just hopelessness and despair, we think we need to be alone and do drastic things to resolve our problems. We are normally wrong about this. This is what my ex did, I was the only one who knew about his depression so all his frustrations and irritability were involuntarily directed at me. He felt an “unseen pressure” that he needed to break away from.
But in your case, it has been a year and she doesn’t sound like she is getting any help. you might want to consider letting her go completely. Mine is taking mindful therapy with a professional. It’s hard cos supporting a depressed person will differ if you’re a family member or a partner. It’s tougher for us, we can be forgotten if we leave them alone but if we linger, they feel smothered/pressured. Be aware that depression is anger toward ourselves. Your gf, despite her actions, did not intend to hurt you. That I’m sure, if she really is clinically depressed. Her blocking/unblocking you on social media only means that she still feels for you, but seeing you reminds her of how awful she was to you.
I wish us both good luck, as we both feel we truly have found the one.
Let me start by saying, that I am very sorry you’re going through this well.
It’s not easy watching the ones we love, treat us like persona-non-grata, when all that we have done is love and care for them.
After my initial comment on here, I was driven into a little bit of madness because of the lack of answers.
You see, my ex is a police officer, so running into her is frequent because we live in a small city in IL.
Anyway, after this post I had noticed that she has followed me a few times. She’s never done anything or attempted to harm me in any way, but I could see her patrol car going in circles when she sees mine parked somewhere.
So when that happened, I started reaching out to friends I know who suffer from depression.
The answer I got this time was different.
Considering how everything went down, how she’s been dating someone, how she runs into me, follows me, blocks me and unblocks me, I was told she possibly suffers from manic depression.
Now since I haven’t heard of that one before, I started researching about manic depression, and manic episodes, and suddenly things started to make sense.
I could be wrong still, but it does fit the pattern.
The drinking, the fact that she’s in a relationship with someone already, how I feel like I got discarded. It all fits the pattern from what I have read.
So now, and after a whole year, I got my closure.
I have nothing in my heart but love, and respect for her.
But now I know that I need to move on.
She is deep in this, and she has refused to take her medication when the dark cloud hit, so I don’t see her trying to fix her life any time soon.
I can move on though. Because at least I know she did love me.
And I will cherish my time with her forever.
And if she ever reaches out, I will show her nothing but understanding and forgiveness.
She was the love of my life. And she will always be.
Thank you again for your kind response.
And I hope you rekindle with your partner.
Best of luck! x
Hi Sue
Just wanted to say, you are not alone. I have gone through almost identical situation, and feel exactly the same as you do. Im finding it difficult to move on as I to feel totally discarded and have passed my expiry date, my ex went off with someone else and appears to have it all, I am no longer required. Stay strong and know others are here for you.
Thank you! I appreciate hearing that more than you know.
But I am very sincerely sorry you’re feeling discarded. I know how painful it is, and I don’t wish it on anyone.
I thought about starting a blog, but I don’t know what to even talk about.
Stay strong, and best of luck to you as well! xx
Hi again sue,
I hope recent days are better with you. Yes, she does sound to have manic depression or bipolar disorder. Both of which she would need to commit to therapy and meds (bpd). Which is very tough. I’ve had a coworker like her, and she would go in rage or sometimes cry uncontrollably until she was forced by my boss to see a therapist for meds or be fired. She chose the former. She used to yell at me for no reason, or just using her stapler, I used to get mad and then I found out she has BPD and we became friends, she invited me to her wedding, I was the only one from work she invited.
I’m sorry for your heartache. it’s tough, I too, sense that this guy is whom I’m meant to be.
It’s hard because not a lot of our friends will understand why we are not angry at them. Or that we are in denial.
I am feeling discarded too, most depressed people will at some point experience apathy.
Like my ex, he suddenly feels nothing for anything.
I did get to talk to him, he called after a month (cos he is moving out of his room for rent) to ask again what my apartment # was, where i want my things mailed. at first i felt a disconnect, but then he started talking, apologizing for the way he messaged me, that I didn’t deserve those language and I truly felt the pain/confusion/feeling lost, from him. He sounded so morose.
He said he was more of a mess when we broke up and I just stayed quiet while he talked (not long). He didn’t even go to an old friend’s wedding. When I asked him if he still feels the same about us not being substantial, his answer was “yeaaahh, and no, i don’t know. i’m just a mess.” i didn’t push on telling him how he made me feel, i was afraid it would do him more harm than good. Especially when he told me he is seeing a new therapist and “i need to deal with my past”. He has gone through so much betrayal in his life. He grew up as an orphan, funny, absolutely weird cos at an orphanage I used to volunteer a lot to is where he grew up, he was left there when he was a baby and his adopted parents returned him back to the orphanage when he was 9yo. His father figure has told me that he has dealt with so much pain and it took him decades to accept his friendship. And the past 5yrs, a lot of failed relationships, 1 even stole 3k from him, another pretended to be an ex bf and started emailing him to get him to be jealous.
The only thing I responded to was when he said “i didn’t mean to make you feel like a POS, cos you aren’t, I am” and i said, yes i felt like a POS but even any emotionally strong person would feel hurt. but it did not diminish the fact that I still love him and my concern for your health hasn’t wavered. I told him that though i know he feels nothing, i wanted to say that I still love him. and that he was never a burden, he said he feels he is.
2 days after that, I texted him and offer to help if he needs it when he moves. We had a funny exchange, he was texting me happy emojis. I felt that it was good for us to know that we don’t hate each other. But he did cancel on meeting up that week cos he still has to pack. I know our exchange also lifted this gray cloud he was feeling that I hate him. he said i’ve been the most patient and loving during his episode. he has told me before of his abandonment issues.
Sorry for the long story.
When you and ex just broke up, did you get to talk to her to answer your questions on “why” how things came to be? I’m on a limbo right now. He never did tell me why he suddenly felt us as insubstantial, and I’ve been beating myself up over it (I’m barren and been feeling insecure about it since the breakup). Should I send him a letter, telling him how i felt (not in a argumentative way) and “why”? I’m scared that my letter might make him spiral down as he has when he broke up with me. I know I am a very patient person, and I know I can wait for him to feel better, but I just don’t know what to do now.
Thank you again
Be well
Hello again,
I wish I could say that I have seen better days, but I haven’t.
If anything whenever I make some sort of minuscule progress, I see her following me, or I just run into her, and I am right back where I started.
Anyway, to answer your question, I haven’t. She wouldn’t face me after the break up.
She refused to meet me, to get her house key back, or give me my stuff back. She just always said that she was busy, and has no time for that.
Yes, apathy seems to be common with those who suffer depression. And it seems as though that’s what she feels when it comes to me. Apathy is the exact opposite of love. And I don’t know what have I done, or what have you done to deserve such a major change in feelings.
She never gave me an answer, she never faced me. She ripped my heart out and ran away.
It feel as thought I was reading a book, and she ripped the final chapter out. So now I am stuck. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or what to think.
I did send her a letter, I wanted some sort of reaction, but I don’t think it helped.
My letter was not to ask her why. I saw she started dating someone else, and erased me, so I sent her her gifts and everything back. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but then again, I was in so much pain, I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to see if doing so would get some sort of reaction. And it did.
She blocked me on social media. Despite all that, she still sent me a happy birthday text.
Every now and again, she still blocks and unblocks me on social media.
I just don’t know what to think anymore, and I am so tired from all the emotional pain I live in.
In fact, I am so exhausted that I have decided that I need to leave the US and seek life elsewhere. Perhaps because if I leave then I know the door will be closed forever, and there will be no hope.
Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can trick you into all sorts of hilariously unrealistic scenarios , and I feel like that is the last thing I need.
I loved her… I still do and now I am beyond broken.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
And I know you know exactly what you mean. You feel my pain, and I feel yours.
Best Regards. x
Sorry 🙁
I forgot to say that he say that it has been so unfair to me that he has become so apathetic and just lost.
I had been in a long distance relationship with a man in his 40s for eight months. He told me when we met he had PTSD in the past after his military career and had sought the help he needed. When we met, we instantly hit it off. Even though the relationship was long distance, we saw each other twice a month for days at a time. He was the first to say I love you, first to talk about having children and first to speak about moving together somewhere. Everything was amazing, we never fought. There were times where I would tell him that we could break up anytime and he always told me we would not break up. Sometimes even saying “You are mine forever, i love you and only want you.” About seven months in he started being negative, not towards me, and said he was depressed and at times told me he did not want to speak to anyone. He had just lost a friend also. The weekend prior to the break up I went to visit him. When he picked me up from the airport he told me he was depressed and I told him that I knew that and that I was there for him when he needed. Everything was amazing after that, we talked about our future, how we would raise our child and I even met his mother. He would even hug me and tell me “I love you, you make me so happy.” He was very affectionate. I left and he text me throughout my travel how much he loved me. The next day he was going to see his father in a different state and when we spoke everything was normal. He would send me pictures of things he was doing and say “I love you.” One of the pictures had a location in which it indicated he was not with his father but in a completely different state. I asked him to call me and I confronted him about his lie. He told me and he had to go and deal with his friends death and he had a lot on his mind. He said he was with his cousin and was going to deal with the death and go home. I told him that I would have understood better had he been honest with me up front. The call ended and he didn’t reach out again until I text him that night saying “you don’t even care” and he replied “I love you goodnight.” The fight afterwards was about three text messages long and into the next day when he he upruptly and very coldly said “we should go our separate ways now, I am not happy anymore, I knew this wasn’t going to work, I don’t want to do this anymore.” I called him once and he didn’t answer. He text me “I don’t want to talk to you, I am better by myself.” I wanted an answer for as to why the breakup out of nowhere and he stated he was not the right person for me and that we would be okay not to take it hard or the wrong way that we need to let go now and move on with our lives. I text him back telling him I love you and that I just want his happiness. He then replied with “I wasn’t meant to be with anyone I am too messed up and won’t ever commit to anyone, I am sorry for hurting you, I am going away now goodbye.” I did not text back and I have not heard from him since. It’s been about four days. I am confused as how someone just two days prior was the most amazing person and showed me a lot of love and two days later after a fight (first one) says goodbye. I love him and I am hurting. He is the type of person who is quick to delete phone numbers from his phone so I am very certain he will not reach out. I am attempting NC and reach out at 30 days but I am afraid. I believe it is his mental health but I am not certain as he is the only one that knows. I was blind sighted and I am heart broken.
Hi June,
I have recently had a similar situation with someone who I was seeing for a short period of time. His last text message to me was four days ago and it was him basically saying to stop calling and stop texting, that we didn’t work out and it’s not a big deal, but 2 days before he was telling me how much he cared about me.
I’m curious what happened with you?
Hey JLB,
I have a very similar experience. I was seening someone for a couple of months, things were amazing for the first 2 months, then just last weekend out of nowhere he called it quits. It was weird, because I was currently at his place when he decided to text me after work, on his way home. The weird part was when he arrived home, he pretended like the text conversation didn’t happen, and attempted to carry on with our weekend. Obviously, I decided to confront him, because we talked about our future and weekend plans just the prior day. He even mentioned how much he loved me 2 days before the break up.
He had back surgery in January, which took him out of the routine of working and the gym. This caused him to go into depression, and also relaspe on Opiods, after being 4 years clean. Needless to say, we made it through the relaspe but he told me, he’s not in his right frame of mind mentally, and has been pushing through a couple of weeks ago.
I knew he was suffering with depression, and we talked about things getting better, once the pandemic is over. But, obviously were still experiencing economic hardship, and the hope for him is gone. I seen glimpses of his prior self return but the drinking and smoking heavily just never really cease.
I attempted to reach out less then 24 hours after it happens, but his reply was that he no good for me, our relationship is no good, and to leave him alone because he better off by himself. He didn’t block me on social media. But it been a couple of days and i decided to go with radio silence, because there’s nothing that you can say to a depressed person who’s not happy right now.
Still practicing radio silence, and maybe one day he will explain to me, because our relationship was built on solid foundation. I do know you have to let the person come to you, and not chase them down asking for an explanation.
HI. I have read and understand a lot of the above posts and stories. I am a 42 year old man that suffers with depression and sometimes heavy manic episodes inciting suicidemail attempts. I have been separated from my wife for the last 8 months and have two children under 12. I have been in this relationship for over 10 years. For the last couple of years if not longer I have been struggling with mental illness and the unrealistic world it creates in your head and the actions and repercussions of my hurtful actions on my wife and family. Everything has been a total disaster for all involved and has flipped our world’s upside down. My wife is very caring and supportive but my choices and behaviours broke her and therefore we live alone and try to parent our children the best we can. I am starting to accept the depression and own the hurt I created in order to move forward otherwise I will fall back into total destruction. The hardest thing is acknowledging that this all has happened and it is the life I live now. My wife and I would love for things to be different but you cannot deny the hurt that she has suffered and the choices needed to be made to make sacrifices for children and individuals. The grief that is involved and feeling the loss of a best friend are beyond words and belief when you live it each day. The biggest decision is the internal fight within to help deal with depression and the behavioural habits formed out of deceit, hiding, anger and mental instability. I long for my wife and family but longing for them will not get me right or provide the answer. We both have to look after ourselves separately and start to heal over time. Our relationship will always be different now and in that creates sadness but it’s part of the acknowledgement that an individual life matters and you yourself are worth the fight. Dealing with depression felt like I was in a hurry to ruin my life when now the answer for me is to slow it all down to make my life better. Depression and suicide are very real and sadly common but through reconnecting back with yourself and identifying that it is a sickness in your head and that head needs some healing and in time your love for yourself will heal to…you cannot find a way to love another until you can do this but each step is a way forward when you believe in yourself. Find and communicate with support people that are important to you getting better. Communicate with your partner without emotion and show care and compassion for a common cause like children. Your life will be different but having them in your life is better than not unless it remains unhealthy. Take care
Shane,
Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to this so much and reading your story helps me not feel alone.
These articles have helped me so much. They helped me understand depression and all it does. My girlfriend of almost 1 1/2 years left me at the beginning of this month. I’m really struggling to deal with this.. I knew she dealt with depression for awhile and we had gotten through a period of it before, but this time it is much worse. She started to go downhill in August. She became very emotionless. She was never quite the one to talk about her feelings in depth but it was starting to get even worse, I never knew what she was really feeling, I just got little bits of it from her. As time went on she isolated herself more from her family, friends and I. She explained she was unsatisfied with herself since she had been unemployed and not doing too much, it seems her anxiety held her back from that which then made the depression worse. Despite going downhill there would be days where she would be herself and be very caring to me, and almost normal..so I was extremely confused. Fast forward to December, I ask her what’s happening between us and she’s told me she’s frustrated with herself because she can’t give me the love I deserve. As she said it: “I can’t give you what you need when I can’t even take care of myself right now” she seemed to be feeling very guilty and hurt about it. At this point she got even lower, she wasn’t able to sleep at night, which turned into napping away her days, not doing anything, isolated to her room. We hung out then and she was at moments herself, and other times a person I didn’t know. After a few more talks we decided to part. At first she was very unclear and despite saying we should be apart, still wanted to see me, talk to me and support eachother, I think she was confused with what she wanted. At the time I was in denial and very confused so I kept pestering and in the end it drove her away more. She wants to remain friends and I know there’s no guarantee for us in the future but I hold on to hope.. that maybe one day we can try again with a new relationship. Even till the very end she managed to be caring towards me. She said maybe we could get through this but for now she needs to improve herself alone. She told me she would help herself, but ultimately that is up to her to actually do. I contact her the odd time to check in but some days are extremely painful, like today. It is really damn hard to let go…but with this time I’ve been trying to focus on myself. Reading everyone’s stories here helps so much, we are not alone!
Hi S,
This sounds so similar to what I’ve been through with my ex. Do you mind me asking how things turned out?
We were together for about the same amount of time. The breakup came completely out of the blue from my perspective, but looking back it’s clear that he had been in a dark place for a while. I was aware that he was feeling anxious what with being out of work due to the pandemic and having to move back home with his parents, but I hadn’t realised the extent of his struggle. To me, this was a temporary situation and at least we had each other! We were planning to move in together this year – I was going to sell my place (which is too small for us both) and buy us a house and he was going to pitch in when work picked up again. He had even talked about getting engaged this year… so there was light at the end of the tunnel!
In November, he came around and he was a broken man. He said that he couldn’t be with me anymore, he knew that it was selfish but he just couldn’t be in a relationship as he wasn’t himself – he had been feeling so anxious and he couldn’t give me what I need emotionally. He needed to end it and he was so sorry. He was crying and kept apologising and I was so confused – he had messaged me the night before and had said that he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me the following day. Everything that he was saying suggested that he needed a break to focus on his mental health, but when I asked “do you want to end things permanently?” he said yes. I asked did he not love me anymore and he said “it’s not that… I just can’t be with you”. He left and I was so shell shocked. I messaged him an hour or two later and he said that I’m the best person that he knows and that he was so sorry for letting me down. I told him that he hadn’t let me down and that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself etc… I said that I was certain that we would be back together once the storm had passed. The next day I messaged him and said that I missed him and he said that he was a mess thinking about me and that he hoped that I knew that he did want to be with me, everything else was just so difficult . A few days later he messaged me and said that he was thinking about me all the time and that he had been to the GP and had been put on antidepressants and had been referred to speak to someone that day. He was determined to get back to track, he missed me so much that it actually hurt and he asked me to please bare with him. I was so relieved! I was happy to wait for him to come back, safe in the knowledge that he was doing all he could to get better. That was 2.5 months ago.
I tried giving him a little space, messaging him every few days. I told him that I loved him mid-December and he said he loved me back but “couldn’t find a better way at the moment”. Shortly after that he stopped replying to my messages. Then on 21st December he said that we should leave the communication because he just couldn’t do it “at the moment” and that we needed to “properly leave it”. I didn’t know what that meant – it’s open to interpretation. Did he mean properly leave the communication or leave us, our relationship i.e. it’s over?! I didn’t message him again until early January… He started leaving me unread, which broke my heart. He was the most loving, attentive boyfriend. I tried calling him and he didn’t answer. He messaged me and said that he was sorry for leaving me unread, he just couldn’t talk “at the moment”. This week (early Feb) I’ve messaged him a few times and again been left unread. Last night I messaged him telling him that I love him and, again, he apologised for not responding and said that he can’t talk “at the moment”.
In his messages he used the term “at the moment” a lot, which suggests that this is temporary but his actions suggest that he’s DONE. I keep reminding myself that this breakup isn’t about me, but it’s difficult not to take it personally. I just want him back, I love him so much!
I don’t mind at all! As of now, I haven’t talked to her since August. Honestly I’d say at this point I’m over it. I still love her a lot but with the lack of effort on her part I’ve realized now that I deserve better. It’s hard because some days you think back and yearn for what once was but waiting around for someone that isn’t showing up hurts much, much more.
Between now and the time I made that comment, we didn’t talk extremely often. I would message her sometimes to see how she was doing and at first she came off pretty cold and pushed me away, which really put me off of trying to talk to her. After some time we had some decent conversations though and things seemed to be better but it never really fully went anywhere. Mostly just me messaging her on her birthday or something like that. She never tried to reach out to me. I suggested trying to be in contact again when I last texted her and she seemed happy about that, agreed to it, told me she had missed me and stuff but again it never really went anywhere. I expected that maybe she would now talk to me or just try at all, but nothing. So at this point it’s like a switch flipped and I’m totally done to say the least.
I really do empathize with you because it’s an absolutely painful thing. The pushing away and silence was almost unbearable, leaves you feeling really confused. I can relate with the vague wording your ex was using there with the “properly leave it” sort of thing because my ex talked like that as well, it was never a definite answer as to what we were at the time… just a lot of mystery. A lot of putting it off and avoiding me.
For now I’d say just to leave him be and see what happens. Perhaps some longer time left alone he might come around? I mean like a month or two of silence, let him be and take that time to take care of yourself. It’s very easy to neglect your mental health going through all this, I know I did. I know it hurts a lot, and above all you just want it all back, but there’s only so much you can do when someone is actively pushing away. I drove myself nuts keeping tabs on my ex for so long, wishing and hoping while I got absolutely nothing from her. At a certain point you kind of have to move on and heal yourself, if they’re not willing to show up or do anything to have the relationship back.
I totally understand taking it personally too because it feels like “what did I do wrong? Why are they the total opposite of what they were?” But I really do wish all the best for you! And this is nothing you did, he’s dealing with something that he himself has to overcome. When they push away like that they’re really not able to be there for you, as much as that hurts. You aren’t alone though, if you need to talk I’m here! 🙂
Hi S,
Thanks for responding! Wow, so you still love her two years on even though you’ve given up all hope of reconciling? That’s the really awful thing about not getting closure – you always wonder and it’s so difficult to fully heal.
I’m on such a rollercoaster of emotions from one day to the next at the minute. I compare and contrast all the different scenarios that I’ve read about and try and rationalise what’s happening with us, but depression isn’t rational! I read last night that a depressed person trying to communicate is like a drunk person trying to communicate – a conversation with a drunk person is a drunken conversation, and a conversation with a depressed person is a depressed conversation – both are incoherent. When I read that and reflected on all of the “I can’t talk at the moment”s that he’s given me along with the initial assurance that he was seeking help (talk therapy and meds) and “I’m determined to get myself back on the right track, please bear with me… I love you” etc., I thought hmm, MAYBE he really does need to focus entirely on himself until he is in a well enough state to have a coherent conversation. This thought process has really calmed me, but I do wonder sometimes if I’m being really naive – the guy has basically ghosted me. That just doesn’t make sense to me as we were just so loved up and best friends until things got so bleak for him.
I believe that it’s situational depression triggered by the ending of his professional sporting career due to injury. It’s very common for pro athletes to struggle with identity crisis, anxiety and subsequent depression when their careers are brought to a halt and they’re left wondering what the hell they’re going to do with the rest of their lives. Covid hasn’t helped. I am hoping that once his personal circumstances take a turn for the better, he will be able to see the wood for the trees again and will reach out.
I am aware that at some point, I may need to draw a line in the sand and just focus on myself. I don’t feel ready to give up just yet – like the last 2.5 months have been hell and it’s felt like an eternity, but on the other hand what’s 2.5 months in the grand scheme of things when you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Aaahhhh it just sucks! I was going to send him a card for his birthday next weekend and then give him a few weeks of silence. I don’t think that I can manage a few months!
Hope you’re doing ok! Thanks again, it’s so good to talk 🙂
Sorry, I forgot to ask – do you know if your ex sought help for her depression or did she go it alone?
No problem!
Yeah, I know it sounds silly lol it’s sort of like ..if she was to ever come back and be serious about trying again, I’d take her but it’s not a kind of love that’s held me back, you know? I’ve put myself out there since so it’s all good haha. But yes the lack of closure is something truly difficult, makes the moving on process a lot harder I found.
That’s really interesting! Definitely makes sense, it’s really not the same person you’re talking to when they’re depressed.
you could be right though, he could just turn around once the situational stuff ends, it sounds like there’s more hope in your situation considering some of the things he had said. If it’s worth it to you, keep on and see where it goes.
My ex as far as I know never went for help from a professional or anything, she was in a sort of difficult situation where it wouldn’t be very easy for her to do it. I think she was too anxiety ridden to do it as well but I’m not totally sure. I do know that she tried things herself to get better, tried taking care of herself better, eating better, working out.. etc. So yeah she basically went it alone.
I understand! it was hard at first for me to keep silent too, but the space can be good. That sounds fine though, the few weeks is a good start.
I’m doing much better these days thankfully, I hope you’re okay too, going through it is like you said, a rollercoaster of emotions. I hope things turn around for you, and I’m glad I can help 🙂 let me know if anything comes up with him
I’m trying to figure out if this is due to his depression.
We were fighting a lot, mostly because I feel like I wasn’t getting attention from him. He would go a day without talking to me, saying he was sad, and that he was depressed. He recently broke up with me, saying we fought too much, and he needed to find a way to make himself happy. He then would tell me he missed me and is afraid he will be alone forever, but thinks we tried already, and doesn’t see how it will work.
One day he says he loves me, then isn’t inlove with me, but loves the person I am. I’m just so all over the place and want to be there for him.
My boyfriend of around 7 months was going through a really hard time in his personal life, and I was his only caretaker throughout most of it. Eventually, he started to get more and more depressed, to the point where I thought he was in a psychosis. He became paranoid, would not engage physically with me, and acted like a robot. He refused all my attempts to help him, and pushed me away. He would call me and tell me I should leave him (although he then would clarify that that was not what he wanted) and barely text me back. Eventually, I asked to just be friends with him due to the emotional toll being in a relationship was taking on both of us. I did this while letting him know that I loved him and wanted to be together in the future when he was ready.
My boyfriend did not take kindly to this, even though he had essentially been telling me he couldn’t be a good partner to me for weeks. He stopped texting and answering my calls altogether, under the premise that it was too hard to talk about because he loved me so much. About two or three days later, he decided to take himself to the hospital. I asked to go with him and he refused. Regardless, he let me come over before he left for “closure”. During the conversation he said that his feelings had changed for me and that we fought too much during the relationship and that he no longer loved me. To clarify, towards the end we were fighting. But I was still by his side through it all doing everything I could to help him get through it. Anyway, he said he used to be able to see a future with me but could not anymore and did not see himself loving me again. He said that I don’t make him happy because nothing makes him happy. He said he no longer cared about making me happy, or sleeping with me, or anything.
I left his house and he immediately started texting me like we were friends before he was admitted to the hospital. He recently tried to contact me (he has been out of the hospital for about a week) again by saying even though we aren’t compatible enough to be in a relationship, he still thinks about me and cares about me and can’t let that go. He got mad at me when I said that if he is happiest being apart, then I could not be in his life anymore. He blamed me for my decision to cut off communication, saying that he did not want it to end like this (even though he ended it and told me he did not love me anymore). I guess I’m just extremely confused and hurt, and don’t know what to believe. I do love him and would consider going back to the relationship. I was just wondering if anyone had any insight? Thanks!
Kelly,
This is my exact situation. Minus my boyfriend (now ex) admitting himself. We have been together for 2.5 years. We lived together. He already had depression but when he began working in the ER as a nurse, the depression worsened. He became noticably withdrawn from me. He tried switching medicines and still does to this day to get some relief and try to be stable. He has a binge drinking problem where once a week he drinks to access and gets sloppy, violent and rude. I would tend to leave and go to my parents during this time. He would fully black out and have no recollection as to why I wasnt in our apartment in our bed the next morning. I would return the following day and he felt so guilty. I never rubbed it in his face. I went on week after week pretending it wasn’t happening. About 3 months ago he called his mom and said” Ive got to stop behaving like this or I will lose her (me).” He decided he would book us a trip to Mexico for our first vacation. A week later he called his mom and she invited herself on our romantic trip and he accepted. I was so hurt and mad but I kept it in. When I found out she would be rooming with us at our couples resort, I spoke up and told him it was a boundary being crossed. He didnt like that. He said I should be grateful he was paying for me. Which I was, but the purpose was to allow us time to rekindle our love. I ended up telling his mother how I felt but they both ignored my feelings about it and she roomed with us. I felt like the 3rd wheel. It was horrible. There was so much fighting between us, i fell and got injured, food poisoning and had an infection. He was not supportive at all. He picked fights the whole time. The day after we got back he broke up with me and asked me to move out. I told him he would regret it because this request came while he was binge drinking and he said terrible horrible things to me. I packed up all my stuff and moved and a day later he asked me to move back in and said he made a mistake. Things didnt feel right since. I felt withdrawn. I felt like an unmade choice just waiting for him to end it again. He said I deserved better than him and that I should move on to find a man who can love me like I love him. He said he wasn’t sure if he could ever give that to me. I told him he does show me love and it was his personal life and depression taking over his mind. I asked if I had changed at all and he said no. He said it just wasnt going to work. He said he still wanted to give it a final shot. The very next day he treated me like garbage, screaming at me for no reason while washing his clothes, slammed my car doors, swearing at me, being unappreciative and cold. I was crying by the time we pulled up to our apartment and he said the choice was mine to leave for good or not. I began packing hurriedly and he said if i wanted to quit it was my fault. I told him he wasn’t trying and he said he didnt think he could or would be able to. While putting my stuff in the car i ran back inside and made a last ditch effort to try to talk sense that it was his depression that made him behave this way. He said he had been feeling this way about me for 8 months. I asked him if anything in life made him happy and he said no. It hurts sooooo much. Because i know he is in there somewhere but i cant reach him. It hurts worse though to be so disposable. This is our 2nd breakup but i feel like it is the final one. I need to learn to be comfortable with it. Although it is soooo painful to watch the love of my life suffer and have him make me suffer.:( ill be praying for you Kelly. Keep in touch.
My boyfriend of nearly 2 years has been severally depressed for almost a year. He gets angry and looses his temper at me over small things very often. He would scream, hit things, run away from me, and make me sob for little things like a discussion about starbucks. Then he would cry and give me the most sincere apology and ask for my forgivness and said he wont let this happen again. He’s done this 4 times already. I’ve been asking him to get help, and I try to get him to talk about it, but he only does when he’s black out drunk sobbing all night and he is strongly against telling anyone or doing anything along the lines of treatment. Then I had a family emergency with a lot of things going on already, and instead of being there for me he yelled at me, insulted my family, grabbed me, started sobbing asking me not to break up with him, and insisted he come with me when I met my family during our crisis. I sent him an email and told him that he needs to give me a plan and fight for me or we’re done. He agreed and told his parents and has been talking to them about it, they’ll see if he needs counseling, he’s started working out, he says he’ll fight for us, loves me so much and will try earning my trust back. I just dont know what to do. I have been so forgiving and patient for so long and I have sever depression and anxiety issues myself. I understand how tricky it can be and how lenient I have to be, but his health has been negatively impacting my own. I know I love him very much and I want a future with him, but I dont know how much more I can take. Now he’s finally doing something about it. I just dont know if I can forgive him for what he has done and if I should stay with him while he gets help or we should be on a break.
Hi, I was recently dumped by my partner of 2 years. I’ve been supporting him as much as I can with his depression over the last year. I have c-ptsd and have also suffered from clinical depression in the past. I know what it’s like to struggle with your mental health but I still can’t understand what’s happened.
It all changed when he got put on new medication. He’d been on other medication before but when he started these new ones he changed straight away. He would lose his temper over the smallest things and started finding fault with everything I said and did. I felt like his emotional punching bag. His mood got lower and lower and he turned into a shadow of his former self. He began to distance himself from me until it reached the point that he wouldn’t speak to me at all. He literally would ignore me to my face the times I came round to see him. I confronted him one day (I had tried before but more gently) and things came to a head. He said how sorry he was and told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted us to be together. Everything was fine, for a day or two. The longer he stayed on the pills the worse he got. He became paranoid, started to accuse me of cheating on him. Then he stopped talking to me again. He wouldn’t pick up the phone when I rang, ignored my messages.
We don’t live together but before all this took hold we had been making plans to move in together soon. We were talking about marriage and children. I felt devastated when he ignored me but tried to not take it personally. I texted him every so often to let him know I still loved him and I was thinking of him and was there if he ever wanted to talk.
After this had been going on for a while and I had still had no contact from him whatsoever, I sent him an email saying that I understood he was going through a hard time and that I would give him space if that was what he needed but to please tell me what’s going on because this was not fair on me. He sent back, “We are over”. And that was the last I heard from him. I’ve seen on Facebook that he still speaks to other people. He is posting nearly every day on Facebook, he rarely used it before. I think his paranoia has convinced him that I definitely cheated and this is him punishing me. I don’t know why else he would do any of this. I love him.
Hi there, I know that your post was a year ago but I am currently going through the same thing. Just wanted to ask how it turned out? Did you reconcile?
I’m struggling with my partner who just last weekend was planning our future together to 4 days ago saying it’s over. Saying his depression only comes when he’s depressed. 🙁
My boyfriend and I started going out at the end of last year and although I thought he was a little pushy, became caught up in his several comments about wanting a family and house together. He even bought home items and asked me if I would approve them in this apparent home, and has shed tears over being happy with me. We’re both in our mid thirties so we both knew that the timing for us was great. About two months ago he suddenly ended it for no reason then wanted me back a few days later. He said that he wasn’t sure of all the emotions he was going through as what he had with me he hadn’t had with anyone else. When he asked me back he had blunted emotion and seemed tired but also said that he would never put me through this again. As an otherwise strong and independent woman I thought I would do my very best to try and better understand his insecurity in that he is not so independent as he is financially supported by a friend and works in a job he hates that doesn’t activate his mind. It took a little time for me to rebuild on trust as he had told me that he broke up with his ex several months after he had emotionally checked out of the relationship and I was cautious that a seed was planted and that he would do the same with me. Another two months passed and he started to distance himself again. When I asked what was wrong he said that his life was sh#t. I offered to be there for him. Mind you this was a conversation over the phone that lasted nearly an hour where he was mostly silent. When we caught up later that evening he squeezed my hand and told me he still wanted everything we spoke about for our future. But he wasn’t in the room, he seemed detached. He then softly said almost to himself that he didn’t think he could be in a relationship. When I asked if he wanted to break up he took about ten seconds to softly whisper yes. I was devastated and thought he would at least explain his reason. A month has now passed and I haven’t heard from him. I am told that his behaviours indicate depression which I am very sympathetic to but wish that he would respect my feelings and at least tell me that, or something, as to this day I have still not been told the reason for the breakup. If the relationship wasn’t so intense so quickly I would have just brushed this off but feel I deserve an explanation. I miss him and am there for him but he has also done this to me twice that has left me confused on why he pursued me so hard in the first place. There was no real indication of unhappiness from him and I now believe he kept it all within while we were otherwise enjoying our time together. I’ve left him be to sort himself out but would find it a real shame if he didn’t reach out to me again. Am not sure what to make of it if it is depression.
Hi Sonia,
I recently have had the very same experience with my husband of 11 years. He is now home (in England) as I have sold my house in the U.S. to get ready to move to England to fulfill our dream. All of this came as quite a shock to me, and it has over taken me as a strong independent woman as well. We too have had silent conversations and today it has ended with him not being able to get better with me hanging over him. He feels guilty that his working through this may take a long time and he cannot expect me to continue to wait for him.
My husband too was quite attached right from the beginning and we spent countless times loving and laughing. He acknowledges the love and happy times but cannot find the love no matter how hard he tries.
I do hope that things work out for you. Patience will be needed and assurance of better times ahead.
Absolutely devastated. My girlfriend of 5 months has ended our relationship. I never saw it coming. For 5 months she would tell me how much she loved me, how much we were soulmates, how she has had a closer relationship with me in a short time than the 28 years she was married to her ex-husband. She is going through a terrible divorce, there’s a lot of $$$ money involved – multi-millions of dollars. Her kids are dysfunctional. She was emotionally and physically abused during the marriage as were the children. Her ex cheated on her several times, took drugs, was an alcoholic and substance abuser. She kicked him out twice and still took him back and then finally kicked him out a third time. She revealed to me she had attempted suicide several years ago. I never saw all the little signs while we were together as I have never been exposed to someone with mental illness. She lives on a cocktail of anti-depressants, codeine for consistent and persistent migraines, and Valium for anxiety and stress. She goes weekly for counselling. There were lots of other small signals of mental health but I did not realize at the time as I thought they were just part of her lifestyle – excessive shopping, untidy house, inability to make decisions, sleeping in until all hours of the day and so much more. We then went O/S for a 3 week vacation. 3 days in she was suffering from migraines and while I was out shopping she sends me an SMS to say she’s booked a ticket home – no discussion, no apology. She then gets on the blame and I am in total shock and disbelief. When she arrives home I sent her a text to find out what has happened and I thought we were honest with one another and why she disappeared. She gets made because I did not text her while she was in transit to find out how she was. Upon my return she tells me she’s in a dark place and while she loves me, does not think she can be in the relationship. – I’m left hi and dry and devastated, crushed, abandoned, and cast aside. She tells me it’s not me it’s her and she’s in a dark place. She says love was not enough to keep her marriage together and o why would love be enough to keep us together – I am so lost, I don’t understand how she could just cast me out and aside. It’s hard to not take it personally – I don’t think I will ever hear from her again – I am an emotional wreck and just cannot comprehend how she could claim to love me so much one day, and then be gone the next – HELP! Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Do I contact her or just leave her now?
Danny,
I read your comment and feel for you deeply. I myself am dealing with a depressed ex partner and things feel absolutely unbearable most of the time. I know that the question ‘why’ is tearing you apart right now. I know it won’t fix your pain but I wanted to share that you are not alone in your fear, abandonment and pain.
All the very best to you,
Julia
So my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me last night. We hadn’t seen each other for two months because he said he needed some time to sort his head out.
It’s a long story and I won’t go into all of it but he lost his libido entirely almost 2 years ago. I also caught him in a lot of lies. I have been trying to fix this relationship but he was getting withdrawn and being very difficult to be with. I encouraged him to seek some counselling.
Last night he said that his counsellor has advised him to go on sick leave from work or he is heading for a breakdown and he warned him of isolating himself and pushing people away. He has also advised him to get medical help for depression. My ex is very reluctant to do that as he says he will feel like a failure.
We talked for a couple of hours about things and he admitted that he was pushing people away and getting more isolated (he hardly sees his kids and doesn’t really have any friends). I told him that if he asked, I would stick with him through this and help him in any way I could. He said “I have to do this myself, nobody else can do it for me”. I said that just because he has to do it himself doesn’t mean that he has to do it alone, they aren’t the same thing. He agreed. But when it came down to it, he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
When I left, I sent him a message saying that I would go back if there was any part of him that wanted me to but he just ignored it.
I’m utterly devastated. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much and I want to get us back, I know it will be different but what can I do?
My boyfriend recently broke up with me because he “needs time alone to figure things out”. I had known about his struggles with depression in the past and i knew he would have bouts of it here and there but they way he had been talking recently i did not see this break up coming. just a few days before he ended things he had calculated how much money we each needed to save per month in order to move out of state together. we had talked about marriage and a family and he kept telling me how happy he was with me. So when he said he no longer felt ready to be in a relationship i asked him why he said all of those things and his response was “he felt like he was suppose to say” them. I don’t believe he didn’t mean anything he said thought because when he would say it i could see it in his eyes he truly loved me. Im just confused about what to believe. He had broken up with me in the beginning of our relationship and after a month apart he called me crying and wanted to get back together and said he missed me so much. Is this going to keep happening? I want him in my life for better or worse, but he’s adamant about doing this alone.
…these life stories are mirrors of mine. Greatest guy I’ve ever met, really got my attention, said we would be married, discussed house plans, the whole deal. Within 24 hours, I was totally igmored, he asked for ‘time’ to figure things out. Until I deeply researched depression in mid age men (he’s 55), I didn’t understand. I got angry with him not telling me why he needed this time. He then absolutely shut himself away from me. Didn’t respond for 4 days. I tried everything. Recently, he replied to my texts, and told me he was praying ….
I’ve read and read similar stories and fear I will never have him – the guy I met- back. I’m willing to help in any way, to stay with him and have his back….I just cant seem to get this through to him – I understand as best I can…and just send an encouraging text to him. So sad for so many people to deal with this.
I’m sorry this is long, I’m trying to keep it short but not missing out any important details so thanks to anyone who makes it to the end, it’s much appreciated.
I’m completely devestated and heartbroken. My boyfriend and I (both 26) had been together 3 years. He knew about my mental health problems, anxiety and depression almost right away and said he wasn’t going anywhere. He had my back the whole time and would have took a bullet for me. I think I just pushed him too far.
We were long distance the entire time as we met whilst working abroad (although only apart by about 2 hours total by plane). We would see each other for a week or 2 every 4-5 weeks usually at the start, but as life got in the way sometimes it was every 2 or 3 months. Whilst this was hard, it was never a deal breaker – we had plans of him moving to me, marriage, kids, the lot.
4 weeks ago he told me he didn’t think he can do it anymore. He loves me but he’s not in love with me, he’s completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. Up until that point I had been in denial about how bad my depression had been for the last 15 months- 2 years. I just didnt see it at the time. At the worst I was suicidal and self harming, but didn’t tell him this at the time as I didn’t want him to be dragged down with me.
We hadn’t seen each other in 6 months at the time he mentioned breaking up. He had been asking and asking but I kept refusing, I was pushing him away because I was so deep in depression I felt worthless and like I was nothing but a burden to him. I didn’t even communicate any of this to him or how I was feeling as I couldn’t find the words then I just got worse and worse.
So for all those months he was trying to get through to me, he had his suspicions I was slipping into depression but also thought that I just didnt love him anymore and didn’t want to be with him. It absolutely broke him. He feels like a failure for not being able to save me, even though I explained that only I could save myself.
4 weeks ago when he mentioned breaking up, nothing really came of it. We still spoke daily but it wasn’t the same, I was the one initiating all the contact and I could tell he was distant. I asked if he wanted to end things then and there but he said no because he was still conflicted and trying to figure things out. In hindsight I should have gave him space then to figure stuff out before the break up.
That’s what brought me out of my depression. The thought that I was losing my boyfriend.
I made it clear where I stood. I apologised profusely, explained how the depression just took over me. I was so sorry for the way I had treated him and been with him. I tried to explain that I’m still me, the me he fell in love with is still there, it’s just that depression takes over and it’s like someone else is controlling you. I was drowning and didn’t know how to get out or ask for help.
6 days ago I phoned him as I couldn’t handle being in limbo anymore. We were on the phone for 14 hours. Talking everything though. He was devestated, He was angry, he shouted, he blamed me, he was sorry, he cried, we both cried.
He tried his best to understand how depression and anxiety can affect a person, but he still doesn’t quite get it. I said and did some horrible things whilst at the worst of my depression, but it wasn’t me. I am not the horrible person that my depression turned me into. I know these things still hurt him and I will never get over that guilt.
He says he didn’t want this, he wanted everything we spoke about, marriage kids etc, but he’s just so drained that he feels he doesn’t even know who he is anymore. I think my depression seriously affected him, which I feel so unbelievably guilty for. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of this.
We both cried on the phone and said how much we love each other. He cried because he didn’t know if he was doing the wrong thing by ending it. I told him he has to do what he feels he has to do and I’ll always be there for him if he ever needs me and he said the same to me. We haven’t spoke in the few days we’ve been broken up. I feel he needs time to deal with his anger, his pain, to try and understand his feelings.
Is there anyway of us getting back together at some point? Or is it too late? I’m out of my depressive episode now and can see everything I did wrong. I am now seeking help and am fully committed to getting myself back on track.
The most painful part is knowing that if I had been able to communicate how I was feeling and how bad things were getting, he would have been there for me and supported me. This happened because I didn’t let him in. He felt neglected and abandoned and like I didn’t love him anymore. That’s why this happened
Annie, I am really sorry about this. Give him some time to think things through and recover, and then reach out and tell him all these things you wrote here: that you realize how the depression was affecting you and that you are determined to fight it. If you are honest about your mistakes and willing not to repeat them, just say it and fight to win him back. I wish my ex had done this and fought for me.
Annie, I definitely feel for you. I struggle with certain mental illnesses that have affected my relationships and caused damage. It’s a really terrible feeling, the guilt. However, the best thing that I found to do in these situations is give the other person space. I mean like a month or so of no contact. During that time, you can use it to better yourself and go back to the person that he fell in love with. It also gives him time to miss you and feel the true consequences of the breakup. Once the month is over, you can go back to him and demonstrate the new positive and lovely person that you have returned to being. He will have had time to lose some of the negative connotations of your relationship, and you will have become strong again. Best of luck!
I married my dream woman 7 years ago. Beautiful relationship, 2 young children, a thriving business that we built together, there had been some distance and odd behavior over the past 6 months. 3 weeks ago while on vacation I caught her having an affair. This completely bowled me over as there has been zero indicator of unhappiness. Come to find out that my wife has been deeply depressed for 1.5 years and not opening up to anyone about this. She says she has always loved me and knew that she wanted me and our family but that this was “separate” in her head as in she did not want the man, the sex was ungratifying but that she was trying to escape her body/situation. Says she felt worthless and felt nothing for her children and did not care about right or wrong. After I caught her I told her we would divorce and then apparently she hit rock bottom She cried and wrote in journals for 5 days straight then seems to have come out of the depression to some degree. She is back to being the woman I married years ago, sweet, caring, good mother, and is saying she wants nothing more than to make this work and that she loves me and feels connected to me like we originally were.
The trauma that broke her/us was that we had an abortion after a failed vasectomy 2 years ago.
How am I now supposed to believe a word that she says? She lied to me for months but now is a completely different person? Now she wants all the things she has had and has no desire for anyone else and feels for me and her children again? We are aggressively doing counseling but I am stuck. How much of this behavior is her or the illness? How does one cope with someone who conceals their depression and turned into something that has completely different ideals from the woman I married? How do I trust again? How does one spot the depression returning or am I just going to be paranoid in the future?
Thank you for any help and comments. I am having a very hard time with all of this.
David,
The only way that you two will learn to trust each other again is first to GO TO THERAPY TOGETHER. Then SHE needs to seek a professional on her own as well. There’s always a lot to unpack when something like this happens. You really can’t build the car yourself that will drive you two away from this turmoil; you need the mechanic to assist you.
You know?
I am so happy to have found this site. I feel as though I am reading parts of my own story. I met a man a few months ago. He became my best friend and my boyfriend. We share many common interests and laugh until our faces hurt. I’ve never met someone before who is truly so capable of getting me.
Within the first month he hit a spell of depression as he was laid off from his job. He also lives with his parents. He’s in his 40s so I imagine this is a blow to his ego. He felt pressured, overwhelmed and told me that he didn’t want me to have a half psycho boyfriend. However during this time he stayed in constant communication.
We then had an amazing few months. I did everything I could to make him happy. It’s the first time in my entire life where I gave my relationship 110%. We said our first “I love you.” and began talking about possibly moving in together in the next 6 months. I was even willing to move closer to him. I currently live about one hour from him.
About a week ago his ex wife contacted him with some bad news about their son. He had gotten into some legal trouble. My boyfriend/ ex boyfriend was communicating with me very well in the beginning about what was going on then suddenly it was as if a stranger took over. He became cold and distant. He wasn’t telling me he loved me. We are so close that I instantly felt the shift. I asked him what was wrong and he once again described the symptoms from a few months ago but this time they sounded worse. I told him I would give him some space but he continued to text me. However, it didn’t feel right. I asked him if we were okay about 6 days ago and he described once again what he was feeling. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said “Maybe, for awhile. I don’t know.” We continued to have the conversation via text and finally he said a break was fine.. I don’t even know what a break is. He asked me to check in with him. I didn’t hear from him for 2 full days so I decided to check in with him. I let him know I was thinking of him. He texted me back and told me he was thinking of me too but nothing had changed and he really needed a break. He’s never talked to me like this before. Now here we are and it’s going on Day 3 with absolutely no contact so in the last 6 days I have only had that horrendous conversation with him.
He is truly my best friend. The last time this happened he wore sweat pants for 2 weeks, didn’t leave his house, didn’t shave or brush his teeth but at least he still kept in contact with me. I feel like he hates me.
He also compared me to his two ex girlfriends. They were very short relationships and seem to have used him for money while he had a job. He said the only difference is I’m a good person and I’m so awesome to him. He also told me I’m his favorite person on the planet. He said I care, I really really care… all while comparing me to those girls!!! He mentioned that he rushed into those relationships and he felt we did too. We actually took a step back and I gave him time in the beginning. He pursued me. It’s like he had a warped view of reality. I was so angry that he would have compared me with them. But still I held it together because I couldn’t bare to be mean to him.
We left it at we are on a break, he needs time to himself to figure things out. I’m still in shock. We have had so many conversations about our relationship. I felt this was different for both of us. I feel like I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend. I miss him beyond words. I have been so incredibly nice to him through all of this and part of me wants to snap. There is an emotional part of my brain that wants to blame his ex, that wants to call him a cheater and accuse him of meeting girls or just flip out and end it. But he’s never shown me that he’s any of those things. Ever. He has shown me that he has a lot of signs of depression. He has some eating issues where he has to control his weight. He has compulsive spending issues. He’s definitely got major issues. I’m so scared of losing him.
with a “break”, it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘breakup”, but it can still be painful- it refers to a person taking a temporary step back from the relationship to either do some soul searching, or focusing on other things needing their attention.
In this case, it sounds like he is overwhelmed by everything and is pushing you away to retreat, when he really should be relying on your support. But I suspect with the headlong full-speed rush into things, compulsive spending, overeating and extreme responses to negative events- he could have more than just a simple case of depression he’s struggling with, something far more serious which mental health experts can pinpoint and help him recover from.
Hey, I am literally the same as your boyfriend except I didn’t compare my boyfriend to others. I was laid off in December and the minute January started it seemed as if anything that could go wrong went wrong. I was broke, still had major bills such as rent, car note, insurance due and I was completely overwhelmed and depressed. I was very embarrassed to tell the guy I was dating about money issues, I did not tell him. He knew I wasn’t working though. My birthday was in February and I was turning 25, I was even more depressed because at 25 I knew I no longer qualified for free training and job placement opportunities. I felt like I couldn’t explain myself properly and that no one understood or even cared. When I tried explaining myself to people who haven’t had experiences like mines I felt the responses were unrealistic and cold. People would tell me to just get a job, get any job even if its minimum wage. In my heart I know it wouldn’t have made me happy at all. I was extremely discouraged. In my head I started making scenarios of my boyfriend, I would bitch about a lot of social media things mind you I usually don’t care about social media. I realized I was just doing too much negativity so I asked my boyfriend for a break, I explained I’m depressed and I felt like no one understood me. He took it as I don’t want to be with him.
I want to reassure you that it has nothing to do with you. I needed a break to figure things out, to find myself and improve my mental health. It sucks being depressed. I’m very emotional, one day I’m motivated the next day I honestly think I’m better off dead. I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone. Sometimes I go days without leaving my bed at all, not eating sometimes then other days I eat like a pregnant person. Trust me the break has nothing to do with you. We are trying to fight off this demon within ourselves, only we can improve ourselves internally. It’s hard not being with the person you care about but it’s even harder being in a funk or feeling as if you’re in quick sand. You may not totally understand until you experience it, but please understand it is not personal. He is very sick and is trying to improve.
My girlfriend just left me yesterday so it’s very fresh. I’m 36 she’s 38 we have been together for 2 years now. The first year and a half was great we were so in love and happy we were best friends . The last few months things have went down hill she was going threw something’s and put her in depression. She slowly started to pull away it seemed and started saying she doesn’t see a future or have any feeling for anything in life anymore. She would say she lost her feelings for me as well and then other days when she was happy she would say she loved me. I’m bipolar so I took it personally so we would have the odd fight over it and I would come off needy and such. Last night she said it was all to much and she couldn’t do it anymore my heart sank and I tried to talk her out of it but didn’t work. She jst wanted to be alone she said and not be bothered. I asked was it the depression that caused you to lose feeling she said yes it was from depression. It really sucks to lose someone from depression. I’m going to leave her alone and let her have sometime to think and figure things out. I really want her to come back but not sure she will. Anyone have any luck with depressed person com8ng back over time?
I believe she will come back. As I told the young lady on the other comment depression is no joke. It is like an internal demon that has a person hostage. Notice how some days she’s happy and in love and others she’s down and doesn’t want to be bothered? The depression is keeping her down. She just need time to improve. It’s not personal. But people with depression really really need help! She is very sick mentally. Give her time to improve herself.
Hi Keya,
My ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago due to his depression. I won’t go into ALL the detail as I’ve already posted here about it, but in the days that followed our very unexpected breakup he messaged me and said “I hope you know that I do want to be with you, everything else is just so difficult” and assured me that he had sought help (therapy and meds) and was determined to get back on track. He asked me to please bear with him, which of course came as a massive relief! Since then, he stopped replying to my messages and now leaves them unread. He did reply last week after weeks of ignoring me and said that he can’t talk at the moment.
I believe that it’s situational depression brought on by unemployment due to having to retire from his sporting career due to injury. I’ve read that it’s really common for pro athletes to experience an identity crisis, anxiety and subsequently depression when their careers end and they don’t know what to do for money. Covid hasn’t helped.
You mightn’t be able to answer this and I know that everybody is different and it’s a very complex situation, but I’m just wondering… with determination and the help of therapy and meds and with time, can I expect him to come back? Aah I realise how ridiculous that question is, but I’m so desperate for answers and he wont give them to me.
I really need someone to talk to about this.. my fiancé has been going down hill into depression for the last 2 months, and now I don’t even think he is capable of seeing me as the woman he loves anymore.
I am quite insecure in myself and my worth, so it took me far too long to realize what was going on with him.
He is pushing me away to the point where I feel like he is a stranger but I still love him with everything that I am.
I don’t know what to do, what is best for him and where to go.
Someone, please help me.
Hey Elsa, I know exactly how you feel.
If he’ll accept your help, go to the doctors with him, look for counselling; some areas have mental health charities that offer low cost/free counselling. Ask a Dr for a referal to a mental health professional and counselling, anything they can offer.
I hope you get him back soon.
I was in a relationship for 5 months where we were living together majority of that time. Things were alright but we fought a lot. I have major depression and anxiety and it got to a point where I started snapping on him and threatening to break up. I had no real intentions of breaking up with him but I couldn’t take all the arguing and I wanted him to fight for our relationship (my own insecurity). Well I did that one too many times and he left. I know that my depression caused major insecurities and anger problems, although I take credit for the things that I did. All of it just seems so misplaced looking back. Anyways we’re broken up but I’m realizing just how good he was to me and just how hard I was to deal with at times. I begged for him to take me back, but he refused. At best he said we can see where we are in a year. I miss him so much and him not being there has only worsened my depression, hopelessness, and overall worthless feeling. I’m quite confident he’ll never want anything to do with me, but it’s hard not to hold onto hope. Does anyone have any opinions or personal experiences of depression taking its toll on their relationships? I know I can’t take back the things I said/did, but I truly love him and think if I were healthier, we could be good for each other. Any chance we’ll find each other again? I’ve considered documenting my recovery (I’m taking meds and getting treatment) in a journal to maybe one day send to him. Is that a horrible idea?
I’m having that experience now here in Calif. My wife of 20 years is angry beyond belief…passive aggresive anger. Sure looks like depression. She Mirrors the actions described here. Waiting and waiting for the therapist to call it what it is. Meanwhile she threatens daily to move out. Forgiveness-wise, we’ll have to see. Therapist is frickin sloooow.
I literally feel like you sp9oke my story except we were engaged to be married 12-16-16 and now he is with someone else but i want to keep hold of hope also
Hello everyone. This is a very old post, but a very new situation to me. My boyfriend of eight years broke up with me on the first day of September. I always knew that he struggled with depression and self-loathing, but over the past couple of years I watched him become worse and worse. It got to the point where the simplest compliment would overwhelm him. If he did something nice for me, he didn’t even deserve a ‘thank you’ in his mind. He hates himself so much that it breaks my heart. Over the past year, he became… I don’t want to use the the term ‘needy,’ because that’s not exactly it, but he seemed to need me more. He opened up more. He let me in. He was more loving and better in a lot of ways than he’s been in a long time. I thought maybe we were getting closer and my support might finally be helping, even a little. But I was wrong. In March, we watched a movie together and I don’t know why the mood struck me, but I told him how much I love him. I told him that he is wonderful, and that he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Despite his problems, he has always been my rock. He’s always been my support. He made me laugh, made me cry. Made want to be a better version of myself. I thought he was my soulmate. That night, he broke down in a way I’d never seen. It scared me. He told me that I deserved better than him, and that he clearly isn’t the best of anything, and it was such an explosion of self-loathing that I was terrified. I have to be honest, our relationship was long-distance. He disappeared for three months. Then he messaged me out of the blue, telling me that he is ready to fight to get better, but to do that, he has to leave me. He thinks he needs to stand on his own two feet to get better and that he’ll use me as a crutch if he stays with me. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get better. He thinks he is a burden and that I am better off without him. I am shattered. I miss him more and more every day. I keep over analyzing everything and wondering how I became a part of the problem. I love him so much. Everyone keeps telling me he’ll come back, but they don’t know him like I do. He won’t. He will never come back, and I am struggling to get over this. Reading this post helped a little. It’s hard to let go of someone when you feel like you can’t blame them for any of their actions. I guess I have to start looking at the reality of the fact that he didn’t love me enough to even try to fight WITH me. I don’t know, guys. I’m a mess. It’s hard to let go when they leave you because they love you. “I don’t love you anymore” would have sucked, but somehow… easier. There is more finality in that.
Hi Sam,
I just stumbled across this page myself and saw your recent message. I’m sorry you’re going through this but your message is eerily close to mine. I’m hurting so much and I don’t want to just “let go”. I haven’t spoken to my friends or family about this because I don’t think they will understand. I can hardly hold back my tears reading your story because I feel the same pain as you. Less than a month ago we were discussing our future, kids, and everything. My bf told me that he will be alone forever and will never be able to make me happy. He says he’s a broken person and needs to do this alone… I want to be by his side and support him and be there for him but he won’t have it.. I can’t offer you advice as I don’t know what to do myself but if you need a friend to just vent, I’m here for you. I’m going through this alone and I can’t discuss it with my friends or family because I know they won’t understand. Feel free to reach out to me via email or something, it would be nice to hear from someone who going through the same thing ????
Wow my story is also very close to both of your stories. Boyfriend of 8 years ended relationship out of the blue in Novembe due to his depression. He said he will be single for the rest of the his life, then a few weeks later said he will start online counselling and we might be able to get back together in the future if he feels better. Also said he doesn’t even really understand why he even ended the relationship.
I feel very hurt but also want to help him but he wants no contact at the moment.
It’s so painful.
Anna.
My boyfriend ended our 2 year relationship 2 days ago out of the blue. I really think he is depressed and has been for several months. I think that is what caused him to break up. He insisted it’s not me and that he needs to figure out his life. He has been on an emotional roller coaster lately with his daughter and very distracted, not feeling well often, and tired. He said all he wants to do after work is sit on the couch and has no motivation. The breakup came completely out of the blue for me as in previous days everything seemed fine in how he was relating with me. I was shocked and devastated. I am now concerned for his health but trying to be good to myself by not contacting him since I felt it was very hurtful for him to end the relationship so suddenly and never brought up how he was feeling about our relationship if something was bothering him. He said he isn’t able to take our relationship to the next level. In one way I feel like if he doesn’t want a future with me then I need to let him go but on the other hand if he is depressed and this was a result of that I feel like I should be there to help him. I don’t think anyone else in his life will help him as people in his family tend to brush things under the rug. He really hasn’t been taking care of himself over the past several months. I am so upset about it all. I am feeling a mix of anger, loss and sadness.
I am a person dealing with depression. I am only able to reflect now that I am doing a little better but I want everyone to understand that even though it hurts not being with the person you love and care about their decision is not personal, it is not against you. You won’t clearly understand until you are feeling the way they feel and sometimes it’s hard to explain how we feel. I need you all to recognize that depression is extremely sickening and can be dangerous. It will turn you into a completely different person, a person that is unrecognizable. Depression is not who that person is. I describe it as a demon taking over your mind completely negating every thought you have uncontrollably.
When I detach myself from people or loved ones it is not to hurt them. It is for me to have time to understand myself, cope and fight off the depression in order to help myself. No one can help unless you’re a licensed therapist who understands. It is an internal thing and need to be worked on selfishly. I truly believe that when the person gets better they are very willing and capable of loving you and coming back to you but while this illness manifest there is no growth within that person. It’s almost like we can’t appreciate you until after we’ve overcome this thing. It sucks while it last. I broke up with my boyfriend and it’s been almost a week without any contact and I care about him a lot but I really need solitude in order to get well.
Hi, I just wanted to share a very similar experience with the other people that have commented here. My boyfriend for over 1 and 5 months broke up with me 2 days ago. He has clinical depression before we were together and it has recently come back this year because of work. His therapist even said the root cause was because of work. But recently a lot of unexpected bad luck or situations have befallen him in this month alone. Fights in the office or clients, money was stolen from his account and all that. I’ve been supportive and patient with him all throughout it and he even acknowledges that. We have had a very loving and good relationship and don’t really have conflicts with one another. Just like the others who have shared their story we even talked about the future, marriage, kids and all that. So it was so very sudden and abrupt last Sunday that he said he wasn’t just wasn’t happy anymore with the two of us, that he was losing interest in me and the things we used to enjoy. He says it’s not because of depression but his emotions. He says he doesn’t feel the same way as he used to. But then he says that he knows it’s partly his fault and the fault of his depression that we don’t go out anymore or why we kind of talk less and all that. And I see how his depression affects him, he isn’t happy anymore with anything even being with his long time best friends. He doesn’t have any motivation or interest in anything anymore. So I’m confused if he’s in denial that the depression has really affected his emotions and feelings for me or if he really just feels that he isn’t happy anymore with us? And I don’t know what to do to help him because a few hours before he wanted to end our relationship I could see and from his stories, his depression is actually getting much worse. So i don’t know if I should just leave him alone or still reach out to him? 🙁 if you could help me somehow it would really be appreciated.
After 1 year together everythingvwas like a dream. We felt like soulmates. Started to be serious. Then he was panicked he will loose me so he was broke up with me. He said the problem was with him. He can not see the future positiv he feels empty.rottening inside. Since then he is not contacting with me. When I write he is answering but it’s just like 2 strangers. It hurts so much. What is he really want? If he want me to go forever why is he still here? Im starting to feel same feelings.blue.hopeless.up and down.heartbroken.I don’t know what to hope or do
Me and my now expartner had been in a very nice 4 year old relationship…He seemed very in love, around four months ago he had made this comment about how he saw a discovery documentary where they said love only lasted 2,5 years but he thought it wasn’t true cause he still felt very much in love with me. I’m now working but he’s still studying the second career he started and feels insecure about it. When he started this semester, in August, we began to see each other much less frequently since he had a lot of classes and began to dedicate more time to study…I began to complain about it, specially during my period -they recently diagnosed me with endometriosis and began a hormonal substitution treatment-, and ask him do you love me?…
Maybe this was the third month I would ask this right during my period, Everytime he responded he was just really stressed out…and the times we spent together he seemed ok, he was very caring and worried about my well being and we had nice sex that many times -maybe 50/50- he started it. Though, it looked sometimes he didn’t want me to stay the whole two days like before, and expected me to go home a little earlier or left my house earlier…
About two weeks ago, my period came, I again complained he again said he was stressed. Friday he asked me to go to a concert with him, we ate something -he felt a little ashamed each paid for their half and he didn’t pay for it all, even though I’ve always told him I have no problem paying for my half or for both- after the concert he was supposed to go to my home…bit when I asked him he wouldn’t want to go, I was sad even though I knew he had stomach ache. Next day I complained he saw I was sad and didn’t say anything…he said he would go to my house at night. I was no longer annoyed by that but he wanted to talk, which is strange cause he’s extremely shy, and unable to have this kind of conversations. He said he didn’t feel the same anymore, he was no longer happy with me, he sometimes preferred to stay at his home alone than coming to visit me…he said he wouldn’t want to admit it before to himself, he didn’t understood himself, he knew 90% the relationship was great, he still cared about me, had desire for me, fell tenderness about me but he didn’t want to continue the relationship. He cried, he said he thought I would be the one to fall out of love since he had no complains, he thought we could grow old together… But he couldn’t continue.
Five days later I called to propose us to see each other some times so this is more gradual since it was a complete surprise to me…He said it was better for me that we don’t, he said he was still sure he didn’t love me and he had been calmed all this days and had no intentions of regretting his desicion. He stopped picking up my calls. I wrote to him mad, then I wrote to him sad. He wouldn’t reply. I went to his house.
He wasn’t there but his parents which I love and love me back were. We talked about it, I told them I was worried about him cause if he lost interest in his career, then in his volunteering -political- activities and then in me I don’t know what else would come. They were also worried about some blocks they note on him, the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate, the fact that he can drive but he never wants to really practice to actually do it by himself…
And that’s what happens with his career he claims not being able to concentrate on finishing an activity, that he feels he just doesn’t want to do it he feels he’s blocked. Things he also said we’re why he would end the relationship. Then he came. At the beginning he was calmed wouldn’t answer more than he still knew he didn’t want to be with me and last couple of months he just pretended to be fine so I would be ok. But when I told him I was worried, that he’s losing interest in everything, that what he says about his career is now saying about me he broke. He started crying he asked for forgiveness. Then I told him I was worried he would damage himself and he cried even more…at the end he promised me to go to a psychiatrist -he confessed he had already tried a couple of physiologist and didn’t feel it worked so abandoned it-. We hugged and cried and I left. I feel better now than before that talk but I’m still very sad. I know I shouldn’t but I’m still hoping he might come back, he might begin to realize he misses me in some weeks or the psychiatrist might help and he realizes I’m not the problem…
Do I have any hopes of getting him back?
Friends, I am looking for some perspective. My BF of a year ended our relationship this past weekend and I’m absolutely heartbroken. He mentioned early on in our relationship that he was treated for depression about 15 years ago. We were ok until about a month ago when I started feeling that something was off. We talked about my concern and he confirmed that he didn’t know what his problem was- he was lacking motivation, was tired most of the time, just felt like sitting alone and doing nothing. He assured me it wasn’t me and he just didn’t know what his deal was. That weekend he told me he felt a bit better and talking somethings out helped. I felt that things were at a plateau until two days ago he came out and said he needed a break as he needs to get himself together- possibly go to the doctor and get blood work and also explore the possibility of depression. I told him I wanted him to do whatever he needed to get himself into a good place and thanked him for being honest about it. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the word “break” as I felt it implied hope and his replied that he can’t make promises about the future. I offered to pack up the belongings that he had kept at my place and asked him if he would please do the same with mine at his home. He stated that he didn’t know if this was going in that direction yet. I told him again I just want him to get the help he needs but I’m truly devistated that he would want to go through this alone. Like so many of you have posted, I feel that he has cut me off. He went on to say that he’s been a shitty boyfriend and things used to be great with us and now it just feels so blah. I can not hold onto hope that we will be able to reconcile and have the great relationship we used to because I feel that I’m setting myself up for something that most likely will not happen. I need to find a way to grieve this out but in the back of my head I keep holding on to this tiny tiny chance. I guess I’m seeking reiteration that this is the illness and not him at this moment. How can I let go and allow myself to heal?
It is the illness! Don’t have any doubts about that. The best thing you can do is give him some space and work on yourself. Easier said than done, but if you try to push him it will backfire. He needs to get treatment and until he does there is nothing you can do (only advise him to get treatment for depression)
Thank you, Faith, I appreciate your reply
Hi Ana, I just had the same thing happen to me after close to 2 years with my bf except I don’t think he realizes he is depressed. He does have exactly the symptoms you described however. Have you had contact with him? Has he been treated? I am so sad and confused about what has happened with my bf that caused him to do this.
97 days, no contact. I wish I had some idea as towards what he has done for himself, if anything. I miss him terribly but I’m slowly beginning to realize I need to start moving on.
I’m trying to grieve but it’s going to take a long time for me to let go of hope and I can’t even imagine at this point being open to dating again. I never knew much about depression so I didn’t recognize it in him and this wasn’t even a thought in my mind that could happen. All I knew is he was struggling with challenges related to being a single father. It’s so devastating as I had really allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusted him so it was a big shock to me when he ended things. I’m just taking it moment to moment as I go through anger, sadness, hopefulness, hopelessness, strength and weakness. I also consider getting in touch to say I think he is depressed. I’m trying to give space though. It’s so hard to know what to do. I love him so much and he expressed his love for me also. But now having read about depression I see where he had a lot of the symptoms and understand how people can’t feel anymore. It’s such an awful illness. I can only take things day by day now. He, his daughter and his family were a huge part of my life and it’s a huge loss. I feel the same wanting to think he is getting help for himself or is he continuing on a downward spiral. Take care.
What ended up happening? Did you move on? Did he get healthy?
Hi there,
Also going through a very similar situation…I knew he had issues with depression\anxiety before we started dating as he was very open about it and I told him it didn’t change how I felt about him. He was the one who initiated the relationship and initially we lived over 500km apart but he would visit as often as possible and we talked everyday either via text or on the phone. He told me how I made him happy and having me in his life was really helping him.
I ended up moving back to my hometown (woohoo only an hour and half drive away from each other now!) and he would visit every weekend and things were great. After a little while he started feeling torn between spending time with me and his friends – he only had two days a week in town so I get it was tough to fit everyone in. I’m not exactly a high maintenance girlfriend so I was ok with him having guy time as long as we got to spend at least one day together! Eventually he started talking about how I deserved better and that we should break up – he even tried to get me to hate him so I would leave him. I was able to assure him that I was happy with him and that he deserved to be happy just as much as I did.
The summer was an extremely bad fire season and I got evacuated from my town and ended up staying with him at his place for a little while and once again things were great – we survived not only the stress of our hometown potentially burning down but also being stuck with each other!
SO cut to… him finally getting a job in the same town as me (both of our hometown) and just as he was about to move here he seemed to get overwhelmed\freaked out so he went back on medication he was on before we met… and then broke up with me via text message…Not ideal. Unlike last time he refused to see me in person, and he avoided me. Once again he told me I deserved better and apparently the girls in his previous relationships got scared and left him as soon as he started slipping into the depression hole. He said he couldn’t handle the pressure of being my partner and that he felt stressed and guilty all the time (I assume because he thought he wasn’t enough for me). This was almost two months ago…he has told me he still really cares about me and has said things like “I have faith in the future” or “I can’t be there for you right now.” He avoided seeing me in person for over a month so I finally went out to his place to talk…He told me his position hasn’t changed and that he thinks maybe he’ll be alone forever. I’ve tried giving space but also worry about him and want him to know my feelings haven’t changed even if he’s hurt me. He said he would like to be friends – though he’s still been avoiding me and will often not respond if I send him messages (i’ve tried to tease him like old times but not sure if that’s a great tactic as he isn’t very responsive). I strongly believe I was a positive thing in his life as I always did my best to offer support and never judged\put him down. I’d get him to step outside his comfort zone a bit, but would always try and make it fun and exciting not daunting. Plus him telling me he had fun with me and that I made him happy.
I guess I’m wondering if I should just let it be and stop reaching out or keeping fighting for him? I know he’s never had anyone fight to be with him before, so it could be comforting or terrifying for him…He told me he’d left me know if he felt like doing something together…as he flaked once again on my recent attempt for us hang out – even just as friends.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as i have no clue how to make someone realize they’re no consolation prize and that I’m willing to stick it out even when things get ugly! It seems the harder he pushes the away the harder I try to pull him back…which again may not be a great approach. I’m pretty new to the whole relationship thing, but I know I’ve never felt like this for someone before so if there’s anything I can do to salvage it I’m willing to try. I know it’s easier to push someone away than let them in and risk getting hurt again but I honestly feel we’d both regret not trying again.
Hello, you may want to check the depression fallout forum. There are many people who have gone through something similar and will help with those questions:)
I swear I was reading my story, although mine recently happened. Can you tell me how things are for you now? This just happened to me last week. I am so lost. I don’t know how to act right now. He’s my best friend and I miss him so much.
It’s time to move on, every day you spend waiting for them to realise the pain they have caused and come back to you is another day you waste from healing and moving forward. Expecting a person suffering from depression to behave and react like a person who doesnt have depression in a relationship is like expecting cows to fly. So for all those who come here to share your stories, take heart in knowing your not alone, but dont be the person who hangs on to something that is long over and has will never mend. They become different people. And unless you can fall in love with this different person and they you, you are all but strangers.
Hi,
I would just like to vent and get some support from people going through something similar. I have been with my girlfriend for 11 months, we moved in together after 1 month due to a huge fallout with her flatmates but it worked and we were happy, leading us to find our own place together 3 months ago. Were both in our early 20s so this was a big deal but we were happy to live together. Last week she spent most nights after work drinking with her friends and she usually didn’t do that so much and it got me upset thinking she had gotten bored of me. I confronted her sunday night and she blurted out that she was so unhappy with life and she was so depressed. She said she didn’t want us to split up but that this is what ended her last relationship. I didn’t see her till monday afternoon after i finished work. She was distant, but we cried together and she laid on me for a bit. For the next day she was very distant and spent a whole day away from me with her friends drinking. Reading what other people have been through i realised i would probably end up depressed too and I’ve been preparing myself that we will split up. Ive offered her my unconditional love and support through her fight with depression. Wednesday morning we decided we should take a break as she can’t focus on a relationship right now. She told me that being in relationships can make everything in her life become like how it has, and she said she feels like she’s lost who she is along the way. I went out in the afternoon and rang my mum for support, came home and we talked a bit more, she seemed a bit more open. We have stopped keeping in the same bed. Im hoping she sorts her head out and realises that she wants to be with me, just last week she said how much she loves me, I’m a bit shocked at how sudden this all is. Its now thursday and I’m just trying to keep myself occupied on myself.
I would really appreciate any advice on my situation.
Thanks in advance!
Hi everyone.
Thanks so much to everyone sharing their stories. I really can’t believe how many people are going through this.
My story is really very similar. My partner of 7 and a half years started a very stressful job just after we moved house. He suffered a period of extreme anxiety after we moved. He gradually became distant from me, stopped talking to me, started falling asleep on the sofa really early etc. He started going out with his friends more often but his drinking increased. Just before our daughters 3rd birthday, I discovered that he had cheated on me – had kissed a woman he used to work with. I was furious with him and he was so apologetic and said that he didn’t want to lose me and would mak everything up to me. About two months after, he hadn’t done anything to make up for his behaviour and continued drinking etc. Once he didn’t come home at all. He stated that he was feeling really down and had considered driving his car off the road so that he didnt have to do this anymore. He said that he can’t cope with his job, being a partner or a father. Then a couple of weeks after he decided he wanted some space to figure it out.he wanted to stay together but just wanted to get away. This “space” has developed into further drinking, to the point he didn’t turn up to look after our daughter so I could go to work, breaking up with me telling me he doesn’t love me anymore but also said he doesn’t feel love for our daughter or anything, sleeping with another woman he works with, and now wants to organise out assists as he wants to leave for good. All of his friends, co workers and family are telling him that he’s different. That he doesnt even talk the same. He said he is thinking of going to a counsellor but is convinced that he doesn’t want the relationship in the meantime. He tells me that sleeping with this other woman was a drunken thing and that he’s not getting into another relationship- but how much do we believe.
His whole family have suffered with depression at one time or another but it’s hard to know without a diagnosis whether this is him or depression doing this. I feel like I’m running out of time before me and my daughter are homeless. He is very cold and unemotional towards me and doesn’t care about the impact this is having.
Any advice on this would be great I’m totally at a loss here. He text me on Friday saying he must still love but is a total mess at the minute. Come Monday he wants to break everything up and we are meeting on Thursday to work it all out. Does this sound like depression to you?
I am in need of some advice because I am not sure what to think right now. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my (ex)boyfriend for just over three years, and he just broke up with me for the third time a little over a week ago. He has depression and is diagnosed and has been on medication for it, which does help a decent amount. Each time that he has broken up with me, including most recently, he has been in a bad funk with his depression. Both of the previous times he ended up coming back and we got back together. This time around our relationship was amazing, even all my friends would tell me how much they envy us and want what we have together. He has told me that i’m the love of his life and that he wants to marry me one day. He has also said that he’s had dreams about him proposing to me and has thought of some ideas for how he could propose one day. He even told his parents, sisters, and best friends that he plans on being with me for the rest of his life. He has been depressed for like the past month because he moved to a new city and started a new job and has been struggling to adjust to the changes and make it his new home. His mom even had to drive to him one night because of how worried he was about him being so depressed lately. When he broke up with me last week he told me that he does not think we will last and does not think we would “have a successful marriage” because of differences, one being our religions even though he has known since the beginning that we are not the same religion and it was never an issue before, and was not an issue this whole time when he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What do I make of all this, this time around? Is it over for good?
Hi Olivia, I am really sorry for what you are going through. It does sound like the depression has got the better of him again this time… Besides medication, what other steps has he taken to deal with depression? If he does not fight it hard, this behaviour will go on. It looks like it has already become a pattern. My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 times within 5 months. They need to understand how their depressive state affects their decisions and also how it hurts their loved ones. I would suggest to give him some space for now, because if he is really depressed he will not be able to listen to whatever you say, but when he feels better and gets some clarity be firm about how you want him to change this. He needs to see what he is risking to lose.
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Hey there,
my husband left me out of the blue 5 months ago. We were together for 13 years, married for 2,5. He said he loves me, but he´s not in love with me anymore.
4 weeks later he moved in with his secretary and her 2 year old son (she left her husband for him as well).
The last couple of months before he left he was very unhappy with his job, his friends, etc… I had no idea he was unhappy with me. We never had a fight or anything. We were in the middle of buying a house and planing kids.
One week ago he started texting me, that he doesn´t enjoy life anymore the way he used to and that the gulit for what he did to me is his biggest demon. But he knows, he has no right to tell me these things…
Could this be a depression or am I just a wife that can´t stand the thought of her husband leaving her for another woman?
Thank you for your answers…
Hi, this reply is not just to you but to all us women, who have, are and still suffering because of the behaviour of a depressed/lying/cheating/deceiving man/woman; it is 8 months since my husband was found out, 5 months since I told him to leave, 3 months had him back for 2wks and now gone for good. All the lies, deceit and cheating, after 26yrs of being together. I have tried sooooo hard because of my love for him. He had an affair after 6yrs of marriage but was only diagnosed with Social Anxiety disorder/depression at the end of 2016. Again my whole world caved in! You ‘never’ really ‘know’ them, think they are quiet, shy and they keep everything, very close to their chest! LOVE MAKES YOU BLIND! Hope makes you hold on to something that is NO LONGER there!
You ‘HAVE’ to move on! It’s soooooo PAINFUL ! Family try to help, friends try to help but unless you are experiencing it, they do not ‘really’ understand what you are going through! I am still in AGONY, trying sooo hard to keep positive but he has traumatised me soooo much, all because of the loss of LOVE, feeling loved, the comfort of my husband. He is setting up a new love nest with a member of his staff! She too has issues, was raped by her father, her 2 girls have been abused by her brother, their Uncle. 4 kids in total, 2 by one dad, 2 by another dad. He has left his family of 3grown up daughters, partners and 3 grandchildren, none of who can ‘understand’ what the hell has happened! He didn’t want his grandchildren on his day off, as why should he look after somebody else’s kids on his day off!
Yet he has taken up with this woman, 4 kids and is not telling her about his ‘condition’ She knows about the antidepressants but NOT the whole story. Is this going to end badly? There is NOTHING I can do anymore, YOU HAVE TO LET GO and TRY to look after yourself! I’m still trying………
Hello i would like to share my story and hear if there is a chance for something. Me and my long term boyfriend had the best months together. He told me that he never met someone like me, that I was amazing.
For a while ago, he broke up with me out of the blue. I feelt like everything was fine. I knew that he was depressed before we started talking and Dating. He Had a lot of anger and he hates himself so i was trying so hard to help him.
We figured things out, he said that he did not knew what he feelt and that we could not be together. The day after he returned and wanted me back. For few days ago he left me again. He said that he did not love me anymore and that he was a “pussy” because he could not tell me that.
I dont understand how it could change so quickly. He told me that these two months have been stressfull and that he does not want me anymore. He only wants to be friends. When I asked him last time about his feelings, he said that he does not love me anymore.
What should I do?I am so broken i feelt like he was the only one and that We were suposed to be together, move together and all that stuff. I really need a replie it would be amazing because I can’t stand it.
I don’t know what to do. My question is that his feeling loss is cause of the depression and self hate, or he simply fell out of it?
Hi Alice,
I have the exact same question so I am afraid I cannot give you an answer. I was seeing this guy for five months, and at first was on and off (similar to your story), then steady on for a couple of good months, until he stopped taking his medication and then broke up with me out of the blue. Have not heard from him for a month now, I don’t know what or how he is doing… He said he felt bad because he could not love me.
I am trying to forget about him and move on.
Silly detail: we were playing a game of scrabble online, which we did not get to finish because he broke up with me. It was sitting just there in my list of games, and a couple of days ago it disappeared, which means he logged in just to delete it. It is clear for me he wants to erase all memories…
Thank you for your replie. I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do.
At least it is nice that many other did try the same thing as I did.
Thank you.
There is something I’ve been wondering about recently and I wanted to see if anyone can offer any insights. I’ve read so many of the stories here and it seems it is very very common for the depressed person to leave his loved ones behind. However, I was talking with a friend recently, explaining what happened with me and my ex boyfriend, and how he walked away saying I have stronger feelings for him than he has for me and he could not see himself loving me ever in the future. My friend had been herself depressed for a while in the past and she said to me that, from her point of view, she could not see how this behaviour could be explained on the basis of depression. She said that, from her experience, when you are depressed you seek the people you love for support, not chase them away. She said that he is one of those people who cannot appreciate someone being nice to them, and it is a matter of character, not depression; that if he really cared about me, he would be trying to get in touch with me and win me back – and he isn’t. I am not sure what to think now. Since things have ended between us, I guess it is not tremendously important any more. But I feel it would help me to move on and make peace with my past if I knew what the situation was really like. As things are, I cannot make sense out of it all. Did he mean those things? or was the depression talking?
From my experience I am going through depression and so was my boyfriend, he broke up with me because mine was too much for him when I wanted him to be closer as someone to lean on and be supportive. So I guess what I’m saying is men and women go through this differently and everyone deals with it in different ways. In your case I’m guessing it was the depression not him. Hope this helps
Thank you Frannie. It does help 🙂
He ‘liked’ my photos on facebook now, after two months that we have not been in touch. And he normally is not active on facebook at all. I am thinking of unfriending him because it does not help. And how childish is that? If you want to get in touch with me, just talk.
I am sad and outraged, and this is why I am posting again. My ex boyfriend, who changed his mind about our relationship three times over 5 months, and finally broke up with me saying he could not love me, is now kinda stalking me on facebook, liking my posts, saying he is interested in events I am interested in etc. Just when I started doing fine and regaining my balance. And he does not even have the courage to talk to me straightforwardly. Does he even remember what he said to me? How does he think it is ok to behave like that? I am thinking of deleting him from facebook but somehow I find it hard to do, and this annoys me even more. I am having unwelcome thoughts and memories, just when I thought I was over this. At the same time I am so so angry. What can I do?
Hey Faith. I feel for you, I’ve been going through a similar situation. There are a few things that I had to learn which really helped me understand why he acts this way, what’s unacceptable, what to be able to expect, and so on… one of the major things is that decision-making is hugely impacted by depression. Decision-making relies a lot on proper emotional processing, which is not regulated properly in a depressed person. This makes it difficult for them to make decisions based on logic and emotion combined. So if one day they say one thing, they can easily change it the next, because their emotions aren’t steadily telling them one thing. That’s also related to why he can’t feel like he can love you, or why he’s intimidated by your love. You are being normal and loving – his depression (and probably fear of intimacy, abandonment, attachment avoidance – look these up, it’s interrelated) makes it difficult for him to accept being loved by someone, and to open up, be vulnerable, and give love properly. He wants to feel loved by you deep down, which is why he can’t make a decision to just stay away from you, but he can’t admit it either, because love is largely accompanied by an unhealthy anxiety and self-sabotage for him. Unless he decides to work through some of this stuff by himself, with a professional, or at least have some up-front honest conversations with you, he’s going to keep making a mess of relationships.
Hey Faith,
Thanks so much. I understand all that, even though it does not make me happy. He did message me yesterday, attempting to start a casual conversation. I replied asking kf he remembered what he had said to me last time we met, and now can he expect to talk normally as if nothing happened. I told him how his words made me feel. He said he was sorry and that he did like me and care about me, and that he felt and still feels the loss of that. So he did own up to his feelings but only to an extent. He did not admit that he made a mistake and wanted us to get back together. Instead he came up with a silly excuse why he wrote to me. I think he did not expect me to snap at him and was taken by surprise. I ended the conversation saying that if you care about someone and feel their loss you fight hard to keep them. In this way you don’t have feelings of loss. He did not reply back. Nowhere in the conversation was there a reference to depression and how he is dealing with it, and never did he actually say he wants me back. The whole exchange was upsetting to me, even though I finally got to say all the things I had bottled up… Why can’t he own up to his feelings and be honest and upfront? I can’t do this for him.
Hey *Rosie, not Faith, obviously!
Hey Faith,
I know what you mean. My boyfriend did the same thing 3 months into our relationship, but then he kept expressing in every way that he still loves me and wants to be with me, besides actually admitting it. It has been taking a huge amount of effort to be able to make sense of when his depression is talking. When your ex said that about the future and the stronger feelings, it’s definitely influenced by depression. He literally cannot feel as strong emotions as you can, because of the depression, so he feels like he’s being a terrible partner by not being able to reciprocate your love properly. If he is emotionally numb (which it sounds like it is), then depressed people cannot see themselves becoming capable of love ever, and they can start to think they’re just out of love with their partner. My boyfriend did that for a while, and it was a really painful period, but I knew enough that I wanted to hold on at that point, because it was depression. When he began to feel again, his love was full and wonderful, and he could express how much he loves me, wants to make me happy, sorry he treated me badly, etc. If your ex is still in a depressive state, he won’t be able to properly express much. You prompting him to reflect how he hurt you is good in my opinion –some people advise us partners not to do that and just walk on eggshells, but then there is no reason for them to recognize how destructive (self and other) they are being. The only thing is, I had to find a good balance of when to be firm and when to be gentle about how I told him these things, because sometimes being firm at the wrong time could make them become more depressed to the point where there is no hope. As it is, two major markers of depression are just that: no hope, and no conceivable future. This is really important to understand, because with or without you, he has little hope that his future can be good, so it’s even harder to picture having someone who he loves and loves him, and that working out…
I recommend this book called “depression fallout” by Anne Sheffield, which was quite helpful (along with a ton of internet forums and articles) to understanding the impact of depression on love and relationships. It’s so difficult but you’re not crazy, he did love you, and his acting like this is definitely a setback from depression…
I hope whatever you want works out, it sounds like you are handling this really well though 🙂
Thanks so much for this.
The thing is, I am not happy with the way we left things because I still care about him and deep down, no matter how hurt I am, would want to be together. But I don’t want to make all the effort for that to happen. Do you think I should have told him how I feel (besides just telling him off?!)
All my friends advise me to just stay away and if he wants to come around, he should just think and take the initiative.
I know what you mean. I think that decision is ultimately up to you. But for me, I knew even despite what my friends were saying that there’s more to it that what others see on the surface of a relationship. I know some depressed people treat their partners really badly, like verbally abusive, emotional manipulation, cheating, etc. But my bf is really careful to not do anything hurtful within his control. When he does things like not say I love you, I had to learn that’s out of his control because of the times he literally can’t feel any emotions. So for me, I had to decide based on what I feel deep down between us, and that I want to make the effort because our relationship and bond is too rare to pass up for me, and depression will be something he has to fight through, that I’m willing to be by his side while he does. The thing is, no matter who you end up with, you’ll hit a low at some point. Unfortunately for us, we hit a low early in our relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with deciding it’s too early to try stick it out and build a relationship. I’m not sure how he would react if you told him how you feel, but you have to have few expectations since he’s still in a depressed state. He might push you away further for a bit if he finds it overwhelming, but he probably wanted to know that you do (since he obviously does for you) and might warm up. But him reaching out to you is all of the initiative he can muster at this point, and probably takes a lot from him, because he likely still has a sense that he doesn’t deserve you, since he hurt you by the way he’s acted with his indecision. It’s perfectly fair if you think it’s not enough for you. Hope that helps 🙂
Thank you, Rosie. You sound so smart and sensible, really, thank you so much for your answer!
The thing is I recently got out of a long-term relationship with someone who had many mental problems (not depression, but still mental problems) that he did not deal with, and was too self-centred to realize the impact this had on our relationship. After 6 years we broke up and it was devastating. I promised myself I would not get into a similar situation again, but here I find myself once more. When I first met this guy, it was not crazy love, I just thought he looked like a nice and serious person and wanted to get to know him better. I gradually fell in love with him and found myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. When he was feeling ok, he was loving and caring, and I miss all those moments. At no point was he abusive, manipulative or anything of the sort. But I fear that this patter has been established now, since he broke up with me 3 times within 5 months, and how can we get out of it? I already feel heartbroken and I don’t think I can take one more rejection. If you don’t mind telling me, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? And how does he manage the depression? My ex boyfriend had started therapy but quit, and he was on medication which, unfortunately, did not take consistently (hence the mood swings). I am not sure what’s happening with him now… He was quite reluctant to talk about it even before, even though he was very open to me about his situation from the very beginning.
So in the end, I did send a message to him. I wrote that I was missing him and thinking of him, and that I don’t want him to think that I don’t like him or that I don’t want to see him and speak to him again. I am just sad and hurt. I sent it yesterday but he has not replied anything so far. I thought at least this would be a more positive way for me to get closure, and maybe it will help him as well. I wish things were simpler.
Hi, Faith and Rosie. Wanted to ask you about something as issues with my ex-boyfriend keep on being there.
For two weeks ago he returned back, said that he missed me and we found a way again to fix it all. But after just some days he left again, saying that we are only friends.
I posted my story here so I wanted to ask you about this because it hurts so badly. He told me that his brain made those feelings, and told me that he is so negative and self-destructive. I don’t know if I should listen to what he is saying and try to move on, or just wait few months and see if he will be better at that time?
Right now he is having the worst period of his life, worst episode of all those episodes he had. He also told me that he was happy when we were together, but he feels like that ‘love’ feeling is gone and that his love feelings are gone because it did not change into true love but just these feelings aren’t there anymore.
I don’t know if I should believe it or not. He is having such hard time right now, dealing with so much at the moment. I am not sure if it is depression speaking through him and making him not able to feel anything at all, or it is the truth that hurt me so badly. I have been searching for answers around, reading articles just to know how I should understand this and it all looks like depression talking. What do you think about it?
It is depression talking, as far as I can understand. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t! Only you know how strong you feel about him and how long you can wait to see if he gets better. Could you maybe give him some space for a while and see how you feel about the whole situation?
Thank you for the answer. It hurts me badly but will try to give him space. I know that I love him so much, and I am ready to wait.
Thank you so much for the replie it made me more calm, thank you. It’s soon my Birthday so we are going out that day, but yeah I hope it will be good. So hope that it will be okay even tho I miss him.
I am just confused because he told me that his “crush” did not change into love but we have been “together” or had something going on in 7/8 months or something like that. He just told me that he is sure that it did not change into love, and that it is all his fault that I am suffering.
I have been reading a lot about stuff lately and it makes me paranoid as I don’t know what to feel or do. I feel like he loved me and loves me, even if we are only friends he always touches me and so badly searched for body concact.
And also last time we Had our arguments and stuff (now for 4 weeks ago) we did only message each other few times, and after around two week with not seeing each other we met. He said all the time that he missed me so badly and that he loved me, but his mind made it all hard to him to know what he feels. He said that he was sorry and that he still wanted to try find a way.
Then in some time eveyrthing was fine, but then again after just a week he left me again. Telling me that we are only friends. He then started to act like not himself, also after school start he dropped out so quickly. He told me that it all stressed him and feelt much more worse.
Yeah so now, he will start at an creative school. Then i visited him in few days and just “was friends”.
But as I said, body concact, hugs, hands on my hips, hair, we even were holding hands but then he said “brother” or something and let it go.
And for few days ago i broke down as I told you, and all the stuff that I sad in the comment before, happend. He told me all that stuff about me and him. That he feels like it was a crush and that he is not in love with me. That he is an monster, that i deserve so much better. He started to be so self destructive and like i said, told me that he has the worst period of his life right now (out of thoes other breakdowns he Had.)
So I think I should wait and see, like if he missed me after thoes days before, and all these things he told me should be “the real him” and not the depression talk right?
Sorry I am just confused, hurt and want answers as I don’t know if i should keep on waiting. I want to but still, it is so hard. I love him so much and wants it all to be okay.
Since you know you will go out on your birthday, it is good news 🙂 Hang in there and I hope things will get better for you xx
Hi Alice, your story reminds me of my story a little bit! If you read my comments above you will see the similarities. It is what Rosie said, that it is hard for them to feel fully because of the depression. Even though he likes you more than a friend (and his body language shows that, as you said) he is numb and cannot see himself becoming capable of love, this is why his words contradict his actions. My ex boyfriend told me that he likes me but he is not in love with me and does not see himself being in love with me in the future. I think just because they feel unloved and unworthy of love it is hard for them to open up and express their love to another person. I don’t know what to advise you because I am torn as well. After three breakups (he broke up with me 3 times in 5 months) I cannot take it anymore. Last time we spoke I told him how much he had hurt me and ended the conversation saying that if he feels the loss of what we had he should do someting about it. But it would be a major breakthrough (and unrealistic) to expect him to sort out his feelings and be ready for a relationship any time soon. I do like him and I believe he is a great person, but I cannot get hurt once more… So, my only advice would be to tell him how he makes you feel and ask him to deal with his feelings somehow…
Thank you for your replies. I think that I will give him some time and see what will happen. xx thank you for help!
Hello Faith. It was my Birthday last night. We drank some wine and he got very drunk. He hugged me all the time, touched my face and caressed my hair all the time. He looked into my eyes so many times, as he moved his head closer to my face. It looked like he tried to kiss me or Had it in his mind, but i was not sure if i should do it as his parents were there for some minutes.
He also touched my bottom lip all the time and just looked into my face and eyes for so long. I don’t know if it is good, he always Had more confident when he is drunk. In the start for so many months ago before we were together, we got drunk at the new year eve and he then hugged me and stuff. So i don’t know if i should think about this as a good sing or just let it go and don’t care about it?
Sounds like alcohol helps him relax and become more expressive 🙂 I think there is no question that he likes you (you don’t need to get him drunk to realize that) but his depressive state makes it hard for him to admit it and express it properly. I hope things stay well!
On my side of things, my ex replied to my message saying he is really sorry that he hurt me and that it feels selfish on his part to want to see me again. I sent him a long message explaining that I want to see him as well but that I cannot be sucked in this vicious circle again, and that if things are to work between us, he should deal with his feelings. I said I really hope he can fight through this so that things may be different for us. I don’t know how realistic it is to expect him to do it…
Thank you for your replie!
And i hope the best for you two, I am sure it will be better sometime! It seems like it somehow will get better, since you two spoke about it! I really hope the best for you two! And thank you so so much for support, you don’t know how much it helps me to cope with the whole situation! xx
I do hope things will get better for both of us 🙂 keep me posted!
Hi Faith. I found out that he is mani depressive (bipolar) so it maybe could change the whole situation. I am not 100% sure but 89% sure as I have some sources, that are not just Google.
Like in their manic periods they do things and can’t even remember that, like he forgets so much all the time. It maybe could be the reason why he broke up? Because of his manic period?
It is hard to say without a diagnosis. But I’ve read that some medication may have this side effect too. He should see a doctor about this…
How long can one wait without any indication of what is going on on the other side? It’s been two weeks and I have received no response to my message. I said I want us to be together but he has to deal with his feelings first so that we can make this work. I do not expect him to solve his problems magically in one night but any response would be better than silence (like, ‘yes, I am working on that’, ‘no, I cannot do that’, ‘you are wrong, leave me alone’, anything!). I ran into him in the library the other day, where he works, and he was talking to someone. I looked at his direction but he pretended he did not see me. Shall I just suppose that’s it then, forget about him and move on?
He is manic depressive found out about that for some weeks ago. He is really changing from his typical self that seems weird, to totally different person. He has been going on like this in almost two months now (with all the stuff that happend.) I am too losing hope and it hurts so badly to wait. We are seeing each other all the time, some days better some other a bit stressfull. But I can’t ask him about relationship as I know how it will end, he needs to be stabel so I can get an answer.
And i am so sorry to hear that about your ex. I tried where mine did not replie at all, but after three days always replied. I think if he will really want to come back and if he really will be there, he will come back. If he is in his depressive episode right now, I don’t think that there is so much you can do. Of course many people experience depression in so many diffirente ways, but manily the thing that is common is, that they say such horrible things and just can’t think right.
I think you can give him some time, try to at least focusing on yourself and not think too much about it. I am trying on that too, and with small steps it became a little bit better. Of course I miss him to death and messages him all the time,
But I still try to have hope even when it looks so dark.
You can focus on yourself and I am sure if he really wants you in his life he will come back after some time where he is more clear or where he can feel his feelings again. Mental illness is so hard to cope with bot them and also the families and people that are around, I know that you know that but I wanted to remind you that there is always hope. As long as he returned to you before, I think he might do it again. But if the worst scenario happend to both of us and they just left, someday we will understand and look back at this and be so much stronger.
Take care Faith, and if something new happens update me.
Thanks Alice 🙂 It hurts like hell, yes, and it is hard to just wait with no idea about what is going on… I don’t want him to just return and then go away again though. I want him to understand the situation, what effect depression has on his thoughts and feelings, and fight it with me. I did what you are now doing for a while, seeing him without asking about the relationship, but I just couldn’t stand the uncertainty. But I also found you can’t ask for something that is not there, ask someone with no clear mind for commitment. I did ask, he thought he could do it, but couldn’t. And here we are.
I hope things work out for you, best of luck xxx
Hi Faith. I hope that things are going well or at least are fine.
I am stuck in the same situation. Waiting, or should I just let go mood. I am trying to keep on going but it is hard when the person keeps to push away.
I am trying to stay positive and let him concact me. And i hope that things will be better sometimes.
xx
Hi, Alice!
Same here. I am sorry you are having a hard time too. School is starting this week so at least I will get busy and I won’t have time to dwell on this. I am not initiating contact. If he wants, he knows where to find me…
School is helping a lot, but still missing the person I was used to be with all the time.
I did not message him these past days only replied and did talk when he did. He now started to message me a little bit more, and more often. He also wanted to see me in few hours but his mood seems still weird. But trying to hold on. Hope the best for you too
xxx
At least it looks like he is fighting it and trying to make your relationship work. My ex has been silent for a month now, no response or reaction whatsoever to the msg I sent him. I guess this means he cannot handle reality right now. I miss him sometimes but I don’t miss the turmoil I was in and the misery he put me through…
I am trying not to think too much, as last time I did, i got hurt. Just trying to see what time will bring and not get all too happy too easily. Thank you so much I hope so.
And leave him, he will for sure get his stuff together and when he will be ready he will concact you, I am sure. He might feel hurt and sad about the fact how he did handle the situation and might be ashamed of how he did treat you. I am sure they think as much as we do, and are sad and frustrated or even much more. Like not to say that it is okay how they that us and do treat us.
But I think it is very hard to them as well even when we don’t know what is going on, and what will happen. Lets hope the best and time is the only to show. Best wishes to you and update me if something is happening. Hugs xxx
Well hope is all we have… I was tempted to contact him but I don’t think this is the right thing to do, as I might get more hurt if he does not respond. But I really don’t know what is going on on his side. He might be dating other people for all I know. I wish I had a clue at least.
Take care too xxx
Not sure if it was right, but I sent him a message today saying only that I am thinking of him and that I hope he is well. I don’t expect him to reply and I am not looking at the phone all stressed out, as I would do when we were together. I thought about it a lot and I decided to send the message without any expectations on my part, only as a support for him. If I were in his shoes I would appreciate someone looking out for me. So, that’s all. We are humans after all.
Hope you are well, Alice
xxx
That sounds hard.
I hope that it goes better. Found out that he was not bipolar but depressed. so it is hard..
Hi,
I have been in a (very) long distance relationship for about a year and a half. My (ex)boyfriend has told me he was depressed before we met and he has had dark thoughts ever since he was about 10 years old. Lately he’s been starting to feel depressed again and a couple of weeks ago he broke up with me saying he needs some time to work on himself. He is now seeing a therapist and if necessary he will start taking medication. He wants absolutely no conatct right now as he “doesn’t want to have to worry about anyone else”. I am so confused as our relationship was so strong and our love for each other something I have never experienced in my life before nor have I ever seen any of my friends in such a strong relationship. I understand where he is coming from and I want to give him the time that he needs. He has expressed things in a way that he might want to get back together in the future by saying things like “we need need some time apart”, “we’re breaking up for now”, and “I’m not saying this is for good”. I do believe that he would never try to leed me on or keep me waiting if he didn’t sincerely hope that we could get back together one day. I guess my question is what are the chances that when he recovers he will find his way back to me? I guess there’s not one answer to that question but has anyone experienced something similar? At this point I’m not ready to move on either way, he is the love of my life, but it would be good to hear if there is any chance for us..
If anyone has any thoughts or any experience with this kind of situation your input will be much appreciated.
Thanks
Hi Lynn,
If you read other stories here you will see that many people have experienced the same thing. I guess there is no safe way to say whether your boyfriend will come around or not… It is up to you how much you can take and how long you think you can wait for him. It is not easy and I am sorry you are going through this. I have not been in touch with my boyfriend for a month now and I don’t see things changing for us, but it sounds like you had a strong, long term relationship that may survive this. I wish you all the best
xxx
Hello,
I am going through the same thing. I am (was) in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I thought he was the one for me and we thought of each other as soulmates. In fact, I already booked a ticket to be with him this holiday season.
It sucks being halfway around the world and you feel so helpless not being to help him out. Despite all the support and space I have given him, he chose to break up with me because he doesn’t want to be a burden.
I am unsure if not contacting him is the best way or should I just let go of our relationship.
I hope things turn out well for all of us.
Hi all,
I’ve never reached out like this and I know I’m commenting on an old post but I’m seeking any guidance.
My soulmate just abruptly broke up with after 3 years. Stating similar things like all of you about feeling depressed and not being in love with me anymore. But still wants a future with me.
Wise – half of our time together was long distance. Any tips of how you handled the break up due to depression while being long distance?
A part of my says stay away and a part of me says to go visit. Any tips?
We were lovers and best friends and now I find myself missing the friendship more than anything. But I don’t know what to do.
Hi, could anyone help? My girlfriend was diagnosed clinically depressed long before I met her. She broke up with me a month ago, for the third time. At first, she (after I coaxed them from her) cited reasons like we didn’t have trust, we fought too much, me texting her friend to ask if my GF mentioned me (I was worried at the time – I felt she was going through more of her self fulfilling prophecies- I was right!), and her emotions built up. Now, our relationship this time around was sort of rocky; she dated another individual between our two stints. We took time before getting back into this. I stressed how much she hurt me, while she stressed how much she was sorry and that she would never do it again. Trust was a thing we had to be patient about, but over time it was getting noticeably better. In fact, I completely trusted her. While the 2ish days leading up the breakup were worrisome (self fulfilling prophecies), I was blindsided. Even a week before she was the happiest i have ever seen her. And I’ve known her both in different relationships and out, the dumper, the dumpee, and nothing at all.
Anyways, this past month after she broke up with me, she revealed many things under my pressure. She “wants what’s best”. She “was happy with me”, but wants to “try to be happy” on her own. After thinking about this for some time over that long month, I came to the conclusion that it was her depression that ended this relationship. I told her this.. oops. She then proceeded to blame me for everything. My “shitty behavior” broke us apart. She took absolutely no responsibility. What’s worse, she stressed about one hundred times that “it’s over” and “we are over”, and that it doesn’t matter now that she was happy with me. I’m still so confused. I treated her very well. She initiated talks about moving in together and more.
She looks very happy on social media, even going as far as to say she has never been this happy before. But I know her, and I know she’s not happy. I know the whole social media mask people put on, there is a whole psychology thing there. She has no real friends. I was always the only one there for her, even when she was treating me poorly at the time. Her “friends ” know nothing about who she really is.
I just don’t know what to do. We are not talking anymore, period. I want her to reach out to me, I want her to realize she’s done so much wrong, but at the same time, part of me wishes I never gave her a chance way back when. I would really appreciate any help I could get, if it’s not too much, whether it be your own experiences or personal help with my experience. Thanks
I should also add, when I told her that I wasn’t the one causing her unhappiness, that the first thing she does is kick me out of her life and it NEVER makes her better, she replied that it was me. Anything else I said to address this topic, she did not respond to. Before we got into this relationship, I also made absolutely sure (I thought) that she would never do this to me again. Well, here we are. I’m taking the fall for a girl who would do anything for me some days, while others she likes to pretend I am the root of all evil.
I hear you. I was dating someone with depression and I’ve had the same on and off experience. He broke it off with me a month ago even though he seemed happy and we were getting on really well. He came to my place one night, had a shower, had dinner, everything seemed normal, and then out of nowhere he said we shouldn’t see each other anymore because I had stronger feelings for him than he did for me, and he thought he could never grow to love me (!) He had said something similar before, when he had stopped taking his medication (as he did this time, too). I did not object or attempt to convince him otherwise. At some point there must be a limit to the damage and the hurt you are willing to be exposed to. Overall we had been dating for 5 months, and somehow it feels this is time I will never get back. I feel drained. Watch out lest the same thing happens to you…
Having said all that, I still find myself thinking of him and wanting him back. But my head tells me this is not right, so I will fight the impulse to get in touch with him. We deserve people who care for us and are there for us. We deserve people who appreciate what they’ve got when they are with us…
I feel your pain. I’m young, yet, but I grow from hating her one day for everything she’s put me through, to focusing on the great impacts she had on me and missing her the next. I can’t even begin to imagine what’s going on in her head right now – she’s the indecisive one, not me. Best of luck, and at the very least may you have the strength to get through this.
Also, they always come around. Whether or not you’re moved on by that point, and whether or not they STAY (easy come easy go..), they always come around.
Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? You can never safeguard yourself from such a behaviour. The first time this happened to me, we had just started seeing each other. It was one month or so, and he was so sweet and enthusiastic and giving… and at some point, he started withdrawing and being aloof. Then he messaged me to say we shouldn’t see each other anymore, because he feels we don’t have many things in common. A couple of days later (I had not contacted him in any way, respecting his decision) he messaged me again to say this was a mistake. We started seeing each other again and after a couple of weeks he almost had a breakdown in my place, saying he felt really bad, did not know who he was and what to expect from a relationship, and that he was terribly sorry but needed to be on his own. We bumped into each other after a couple of weeks again after that, and he said he had missed me but he still was not sure he could get into a relationship. We saw each other quite a lot after that, but I was not happy because I wanted him to commit to me, not just come and find me whenever he felt like it. So I told him I cannot keep seeing him unless he decides he wants to be in for good, and was very firm and clear about the fact that I won’t do on and off this time. Yet, after two months here we are again. He stopped taking his medication without prior consultation with the doctor of course. I kindly nudged him but to no avail. I have no idea how he is coping now and I shouldn’t really care. He was the one who cut me off his life. After having dated for 6 years someone with mental problems, I am not willing to go through this again. And I had told him from the start: depression (or any mental problem) is not the issue for me. Everyone has or could have similar problems. We are only humans. The thing is how you choose to deal with those problems. I am done with people not taking care of themselves and hurting me because of their unresolved issues.
In a strange way, your post helps me: I’ve been torturing myself for not speaking up when he broke up with me saying those terrible things. I was thinking I should have said something, make him see it is the depression talking not him, but I did not. I did not object, did not try to make him change his mind. Yet, I see that when you tried to do exactly that you were met with hostility and denial. It is a no win situation…
I have been engaged to a lady for 2 years. All along I have known she has depression. I have never tried to fix her but be supportive of her when she would cycle through the rough bouts of depression. Over the past few months I have seen her depression get worse. She even stated to me she thinks she needs to talk to someone. I found names of counselors and psychologists for her to see. 2 and a half weeks later I asked her if she made an appointment. She stated she did not because she would like to talk to a female. I said ok and encouraged her to do so. She refuses to talk to me about what she is depressed about. I have tried numerous times to get her to talk about it but she just shuts down. In May I was in the hospital and she waited 5 days to come see me. That broke my heart. I would say since that time I have seen increased anger towards her daughter and me in particular. Worse to me. I told her that we really needed to sit down and have a heart to heart about our relationship. She agreed we did. On July 3rd I went to her house. She said I wish you would have given me a “heads up” before you came over. I replied well you knew I was coming over today. She stated “I am not doing this in front of my kid!” In a anger toned voice. So I politely asked her when we could talk. She stood up and said “You know what? I don’t want to talk to you! I’m not happy. You know I’m depressed. It’s over” She then went to the counter and grabbed the engagement ring and gave it to me dead straight faced looked me in the eye with no emotion. I then began removing my personal belongings from the house. As I was taking boxes to my truck she was outside watering the flowers like it was just another day. No emotion, no tears, no nothing. She wouldn’t even speak to me. I love her very dearly or I would have never asked her to be my wife. Now that the house is empty and all my belongings are out it still seems that she is not phased on me bit that we are done. Her family told me to give her time. They really like me and told me that I am the best thing she ever had and she threw it away. Part of me just wants to cut this off completely and walk but the other part is saying hey this was your fiancé what happened? Like making me want to stick around. I’m torn. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
First, it’s probably not your fault at all. It sounds like you cared for her and would do anything in your power to make her happy. Time is a crazy thing. And for her.. she desperately needs to fix herself. She can remove you from her life, but not her depression. This sounds like her trying to take charge. Good luck through this, i would give more advice but I am not qualified to
Depression is a condition. Blaming it for the breakup will mask deeper causes, such as HOW partners deal with depression and with stress in the relationship, or any other issues, really. If these deeper causes are not effectively addressed, then the relationship is going to be hostage of whether one of the partners is depressed or not, which I’m afraid is likely to happen again.
My situation with the Relationship that I have been with someone who have depression is very confuse . Please don’t be judgmental with me .
I wish I can find someone here or in another place to HELP ME OUT ! Basically to Understand .
I Knew this wonderful guy at work, I work in Retail he was a customer. We had a lot chemistry and after that we started to contact each other for three days by email. Then, he ask me for a date and phone number. We fall in love our eyes were almost crying of happiness when we saw each other smile . It was the best feeling in the world . The same date he ask me he wanted to be in a relationship but that I shouldn’t rush and that I could take my time. I said yes after 4 days .He presented me to his family,friends and take everywhere.
IT WAS THE PERFECT BOY! Suddenly after 3 week she just cancelled a date without explanation and I talk to him he confess :” I suffer from Depression I didn’t want to tell you cause you are very important tome and I don’t want to push you away”.I said” I am willing to face anything with you , I now you don’t want to talk right now so go to bed and we will figured things later”. He was so happy and motivated and things were very good the next week. Suddenly again he was distant , I called and say : Hey baby! What is going on?”He said I am not sure about us “” I do not want to be whit someone someone who is not trying to change me” .We talk ,we solved ,we understand we move on. He was taking anti depressives once a week ,and he was smoking weed in small doses to help out his process , he was also casually drinking, but I was always telling him that alcohol is very harsh for him, His mom is bipolar and smoke too much so I tried to recommend him to get out of house. This guy was super happy and motivated and told me ” I will do this cause you are everything for me” .Once, he went to a trip for 4 days as always we really loved to see each other and kiss and talk after that. But now he completely avoid contact whit me. He preferred to stay at home smoking with his friend . Then, I wait two days more we had plans and as soon as he sent a message saying: ” I want to cuddle you in my bed” he suddenly said: “I think I might go to a concert tonight”. I was so fucking upset and crying. I mean we had more than 9 days and he did not care about us. I was like: “tell me if you have lost interest o me or not”. He decide not to answer fpr a day and after voice messages and texts, he texted me a 4:15 am the most painful thing that I have ever read.
“We shouldn’t be talking anymore , We are just not compatible”
“You are too young for me”
” I need someone that I can drink with”
i said: What make you take this decision?
– ” Cause I thought I could change you”
“Good night ”
I said: Are you seriously ending this he reply: ” Yeah”.
I said : “Bye ”
What happened , why this ? It was lack of love or simply depression. it has been 4 days and she is not contacting me . I felt so bad I opened my soul and he just treat me like crap.
There are a lot of stories here that share the same roots: depression, desertion, confusion. This is an illness & it’s difficult to be the partner who is “abandoned” out of guilt, shame, delusion, etc.
I want to take a time out from these tales of husbands and boyfriends and girlfriends and wives choosing to blame you for their emptiness or attempting to spare you their demons and say:
1. It’s encouraging to see love is still alive. Real unconditional love. Most of you have come here looking for advice or comfort because you love your partners deeply and you want to fight for them. This is special, and although it may sound strange… congratulations to each of you for your compassion and empathy. Even if anger or despair brought you here, you came looking for answers because someone you love is suffering from depression and not dealing with it appropriately. There is some part of you that wants to “save” them from self-destruction. We live in selfish, callous times but you are here on this website, hurt as you are, because there is something unselfish and tender in your heart still towards these partners. And that should be acknowledged.
2. You can’t do anything about them, only yourself. This is difficult to accept and I know some may disagree. Yes, you can call you can text, you can remind them you love them, you can pray, you can hope they come back. You can give and give and give. But the reality for all of us here is that age old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”. Your partners feels are their own and so is their depression. You are responsible for your own happiness and well-being and the extent that you can influence someone else’s is limited to however much they choose to allow. We have all done everything we can think of to stop them from leaving or bring them back. There is a natural desire in love to alleviate burdens and sometimes we take those burdens on ourselves. Accept it’s not your fault and it’s not your partner’s fault necessarily either. But remaining in this chaotic state or doing something to recover from it is exclusively their decision….
So…
3. Take good care of yourself. Remember you did your best. Remember you did a lot to be a good wife or husband or bf/gf. You have attempted to honor your vows, your professions of love if unmarried. If you choose to stay in contact you will need to be strong enough to love them and set your needs aside. If you choose not to that doesn’t make you weak either. But each of you deserves the best life they can create in the short time we have on this planet. Your devotion is beautiful but your devotion to yourself also matter. You deserve respect, honesty, loyalty, and your partner may not be capable of those things now. This isn’t a lecture to give up on them. But do not trade your self-worth for anyone. No matter the history, the illness, or circumstance. The greatest love story of your life has to do with how you love and respect you. This is what influences how you love others. So all of you here suffering and heartbroken and trying to find ways to heal from the upheavals depression have caused you. Let these people go as much as you can. Whether it’s just accepting a new reality. Whether it’s not texting every day… however you can let go and accept you are dealing with a different version of the person you love. On planes they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before they try to put on anyone else’s. So as each of you works through the road ahead never forget YOU deserve to be happy too. Be fair to yourself. Life is very short. There is no one you can’t live without if they insist on living without you.
This forum is a great help. and this comment just now has given me a bit of clarity.
I think it goes to say, we are not alone. We have the same thing in common – we want the best for our loved one.
As i read more and more – parts of your stories are the same as my current experience. Except – I haven’t spoken with my Ex (ex as of last week) about their depression. I don’t actually know for sure if it is what is happening right now. The more I read here, the more it sounds the same. We were getting on so well. Of course life is hard and the occasional distance between us I put down to fatigue from work (on both our parts) and a stressful work life which we cannot control. Coupled with feelings of questioning our jobs… both thinking about changing what we have done all our lives for something completely different… well – you get the picture.
But together we were always fine. Until one day after being so tired – I questioned the lack of interest in me. They said they love me – so much. but they are not in love with me like they were before. they don’t know why. and if they could, they would change it in a second.
I didn’t want to break up. They said its unfair on me and they couldn’t be with me feeling like this. I said we could work it out. i’d give them space if they wanted.
I thought I’d hear nothing from them. But they have texted me, at random times. Asked how I am. Told me they miss me.
Are they letting me down easy? or do they really care? do they feel guilty?
I analyse everything i remember from the past few months – the symptoms people describe all point to the same thing. I think even now I may be suffering from a mild form. But nothing like what they are going through.
If I am right about this, and when they said they still love me, is true, then maybe they believe they are saving me from them. I do not want to be saved. I would like to help.
My friends tell me to wait. give space. if it was meant to be it was meant to be.
They want space, I know this, but I don’t want to abandon them. I also don’t want to pressure them. It must be awful to not know why you are feeling a certain way.
What do you do when they break up with you. Only after that event and all of your thoughts clear a bit you realise the something that was underlying there. We have never fought or had an argument over anything, it just seems to me that we are worth fighting for – is it too late?
Dear Anonymous , I can’t even describe how much your words meant to me and have given me a little justification that perhaps my decision to step aside is the right one. After dealing with the push and pull from my ex for sometime now, this last push from him has worked. I decided that because I love him dearly i have to let him go. At first I battled with the thought of something horrible happening to him and me not being there to protect him or having the illusion that one day he was going to wake up from this horrible nightmare and everything was going to go back to how it once was. However, I have come to realize that i cannot shield him from making wrong decisions and destroying his life. I worry so much for him but finally acknowledged that I had to step aside and let him deal with this however he chooses to whether I agree or not. I have to allow him to give up his wife of 11 years and push his two beautiful children to the side if he feels that’s the right choice for him. I don’t know if he’ll every truly understand how much pain he has caused me or my babies. I do often wonder if he’ll one day open his eyes to realize that the one person who has the ability to make him happy is himself and we were not the cause of his unhappiness. I, on the other hand, work hard every day to pick up the peaces of my life and work on redirecting all my energy i once put on him back to me and my babies. . I have never dealt with depression and after learning more about it, realize what a horrible disease it is and can’t begin to imagine how painful it is for the people going through it. However, i don’t think people truly understand how devastating it is for us, the loved ones. The ones who are the closest and most effected by our depressed loved ones.
I too have now had to let my husband go. Married for 25 yrs and it no longer means anything to him. He suffers with Social Anxiety and depression and it all came to a head New Year, when once again he was having an affair. First time after 6yrs married and now 19yrs later, again. It is definitely all what I read. The excitement of a new relationship is what he seeks, they think this is what will solve how they feel. I have given him all the literature to read and he recognises so much of himself in it but still cannot see just what he is doing. He is having therapy but I don’t think it’s really helped as he is just not honest and doesn’t open up. Our 3 daughters were willing to accept him back but he was off again, seeing her, lying and deceiving all the time. Lying to them too. The caring just won’t go away and the pain. I’m on antidepressants as I can’t cope anymore, it has gone on for over 6 months now, the tooing and frooing. I hope he finds peace within himself some day but I know I have to move on but there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me at the moment.
Hopeful,
I hope you take some comfort in knowing that this is an illness and it is not you. Even if some blame has been shifted onto you… as you’ve read over and over among these posted stories, depression creates a negative, distorted reality for sufferers. They don’t have control over it–they only have control over what they are willing to do to get help and manage and recover.
Your heart is to honor your marriage vows. Look in the mirror and know that you have done your best, done everything you could to reach out to your husband, but he has to reach back. I don’t know whether he will or not. No one can or should take that desire for him to be restored to you and your family. But it is encouraging to hear you recognize that you cannot fight his demons for him–all you can do is remain a beautiful, loving, and as much as you can be…forgiving woman. Hope does not have to die for you to be healthy, but a healthy hope is certainly one that recognizes what is within your control, and that right now….is you and the world you create for your sweet children.
Thank you. I really needed to hear that.
12 years together and the man I love is no more. The man may look like the love of my life but my love certainly is not the distant, unable to feel anything person I see in front of me. I miss the days when he was not like this.
He went out and rented his own place and he told me last night. He says he is sad too but it is just not fair for me to just wait on a broken man.
He is going to use this time apart to focus on himself to get better he says. I really hope he gets better.
I also know that I will come out stronger too. What hasn’t killed me will only make me a better person.
I have given him my blessing on his solo journey toward wellness and will see him off with a smile of encouragement. He knows I will be there if he ever needs me.
But my god. Why won’t tears stop. Now my eyes look so horrible.. all puffy and red.. urgh
thank you for this, Anonymous. It helps so much
While the support is greatly appreciated & for me many of the posts do sound like my situation with my husband but how do we really know it is depression?? I am sure we would all like to believe there is another reason for our spouse/significant other leaving us besides the fact that maybe we really are the cause. Can I be the real problem? I keep telling myself I should see the signs, but I always feel blindsided. If the problem is myself, I need to find a way to correct my wrongs before moving on and finding peace with my marriage falling apart-if it’s depression affecting my husband(my possible finding via google search)as his wife shouldn’t I be doing everything I can to help him feel better about himself?
Hi all, I chanced upon this website and just want to seek for advices.
I just broke up with my bf for 7 months and am feeling lost and confused at this moment. I know he has anxiety problems one month into the relationship but I didn’t want to not try after all, I really liked him and he had been really nice to me. One week ago, he came over to my place and told me that we need to break up. His reason for doing that is that he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he thinks I deserve someone better, he isn’t able to treat me properly. At the same time, he is also the same person that tells me from time to time that he knows he’s taking me for granted etc. Another thing that I did not mention is that he is actually taking his PhD now. He has to stay late in school, work on weekends and he says he just doesn’t want to string me along and it’s the best solution for us.
He still wants to be my friend and he keeps telling me that he will always be there for me if I need him. I’m getting really confused if this breakup is a result of the anxiety disorder or is he just wanting to break off because he doesn’t like me anymore. I like him very much still and I’m not sure what to do for now. I’m giving him space now but I feel so heartbroken the last two days when I start seeing him post on his facebook wall that he is going through some emotional ups and downs with his PhD. I really want to be there for him but I really can’t and I don’t want to push him further away.
Dear Fellow Heartbreaks, and Heartbreakers,
I came across this forum for personal validation. My gf and I of 3 years have recently broke up. I moved out and got my own place. The relationship itself was very good. Not a dull moment. We were always laughing. We were that annoying giddy couple people rolled their eyes at. We did have rocky moments. Times where she wasn’t 100 percent on me, but I was 100 percent on her. She has always been very indecisive. About everything, from work, to me, to what movie she wanted to watch, to just picking a simple meal. I found it very irritating at first. But once I fell in love, I found it endearing. Unless of course her uncertainty pertained to me. She is in recovery of almost 8 years. I have been with her the last 3 of that. I have watched her be a loving, wholesome person, to an erratic scary monster. I’m assuming she lacks coping skills tremendously. I feel so sorry for her. I have lived with her one minute loving on me, telling me I make her so happy, to the next minute her telling me she just doesnt have that AHA feeling for me..that I am not the “one.” We have always talked about it, and of course it would shift. Well last year her dad died of cancer. It was sudden, and quick. We spent many weeks at the cancer center and slowly watched her dad fade away. It was all so surreal and quick. After that it got worse. She has quit several jobs, never wanted to really leave the house, and really let herself go. Then about 8-9 months after he passed, her cat died of cancer as well. We had no idea she had cancer, and couple months later we had put down for her own being. So much loss in a year. 5 months after the cat passed, she had noticed herself being miserable, hateful, and unhappy. Has told me over and over she loves me, but she needs to get herself well. That she needs space to fix herself. So I lingered a bit, because I love her and didnt want to move. But she became angry a little more often, and became mean. Telling me she doesnt love me, doesnt want me, that I am a not priority right now. So I went and moved out. Well, afterward we still continued to hang out. I still would go over on weekends and stay. She continued to still treat me as though we are dating. I am her one constant support, the one who makes her laugh, the one who is just there for her, and loves her unconditionally. Well one week we are like normal, and then randomly she will tell me we gotta stop seeing each other because we will get back into the habit of “us.” But then she will text me the next day and want to come over or vice versa. Last week I asked her if she wanted to go out with me and one of my friends. She instantly got hostile, and said no, that she didnt want to get back into the swing, that she needed this, and needed to get herself right. It is just hard because one minute we mutually are on the same page..love, laughter, intimacy, etc.. and then BOOM, bye.. please go now. Does any of this ring a bell?
Hi Jessica,
Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. there have been some hard times in your relationship but you have both got through them together it seems. I would be the first person championing you two to be ok again. But I think it is probably not doing YOU any good the way she is swinging back and fourth. I know you love her very much, unconditionally, that is why you are still there for her. I think you have to be aware also of how you are feeling, and that the backwards and forwards doesn’t drag you down.
I should take my own advice really – but thats the hard bit. Looking after you. you see your Gf suffering, they become the priority because you will do ANYTHING for them. Thats because you are a great person. remember that. If you think its getting too much for you. Maybe you should give your self some space on your terms.
Hey not sure if you will read this but I have a very similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating since high school and on and off for about 5 years. He started showing signs of paranoia but I know for sure he has been diagnosed for anxiety and on that medicine. Everything was pretty much fine until he had to drop out of his school classes and had family stuff going on that hindered him, he also lost his job, ever since then he started showing these obvios signs of depression or anxiety and we’ve been through breaking up a few times and him saying he needs time to get his self together and then saying he wants me to be there with him or realized breaking up wasn;t the answer especially because i’ve always been there for him EXACTLY what you were saying, main supporter. Then when things happen in his life like he loses another job, he automatically changes and ends up saying we need to break up because he isn’t good to me and needs time to work on himself and get on his own two feet(which I was an enabler because I let him live with me and did everything for him when I thought he was going through it and needed help. Right now we are broken up, he just told me a couple of weeks ago when we sat down and talked about it, he asked that I help him stick to one decision as he is very flip-flop, we said we would stay together and have a little more space between us to he could work on himself, we said we love each other very much etc etc anf he said he couldn’t see himself with anyone but me. but then a few days he said he needed to get himself together again and couldn’t do it in a relationship, there is so much more we are both 20 years old. It’s very hard for me to just leave him because he wasn’t always like this and we’ve been together for yearsssss.
Wanted some advice really.
Ive been with my partner for 2 years, he has depression, but surely the way he is acting with me is not due to his depression? I have also had depression myself for 7 years and have never treated him the way he treats me.
He talks to me like rubbish, always angry with me and causing arguments over things that aren’t worth arguing over. He will tell me to go out and enjoy myself with my friends, then have a go at me when I return. He will treat me like his slave, he will text me things like ‘when is my tea ready’ . He will leave me to look after the kids whilst he sits in bed all day. Even worse, when he drinks he will come home and has been violent with me on several occasions, pushing me over, grabbing my throat, dragging me off the bed. but he has never hit me. Should I be putting up with this behavior? Am I just using the excuse ‘he’s depressed’ to stay with him? I’m confused, I know I don’t deserve to be treated like this, but is it his depression or just him? Surely even being depressed you know right from wrong? I can’t take any more of this, it’s just making my depression worse. Any advice would be lovely. Thanks.
Jenna,
Being grabbed by the throat or being “treated like a slave”are unacceptable behaviors. Period. Whether your partner is depressed or not, love should never be dangerous or degrading. Whatever you choose, I truly hope you will place your safety and self-worth above all else. Never forget that you deserve to be treated respectfully, and love and abuse are IMO mutually exclusive.
Jenna you are a valuable human being do not forget that! Also, if he his in this stage the best thing for you is walk a way cause is consuming your happiness and you could even get worse with your depression. Do not forget tat you have to love yourself first .
hi,
i need help. i have recently faced break up with my partner. he was depressed since long, and everyday we used to fight and cry. i used to understand him for all the situations but at times i needed my time as well. i just used a few words for him while he was trying to ignore me ( heartless, mean, selfish). though he wasn’t really mean /selfish/ heartless since the time we have been together, but unknowingly these factors got into him all of a sudden. he used to stay online and talk to his friends, but when i used to message him he never replied instantly. he used to reply me after 20/3o mins. i started realising that he no more wants to talk to me, care for me. he used to talk irritatingly on phone. which used to make me sad, but i never reverted. but last day i spoke it all up to him, he got more depressed. n at night he broke up with me unexpectedly. saying that i am ready to take the blame of this breakup, all mistake is mine. he left me weeping, and din even bother to make me smile. he said that he has become a bad person using those three words which i used for him. he said i am heartless man now, i don’t love you anymore. if i would have been a good person i would have come up to you to make you happy again, but its not working.
we are not talking since then.
i am really depressed and crying since then. what should i do? i wan’t to talk to him, and sort the things, but i am stopping myself since he would be busy with his work and his day will ruin because of me.
please help me out.
I can say I am going through the same situation right now. Its been a month he said he doesn’t love me any more and he has become the heartless guy. I am shocked that he uses same words for him i used before ( he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t want me in his life, he doesn’t support me emotionally, he is losing me). I think my “mean” words really affected his depressed mind and made him more depressed instead of helping him I was pushing him further away. He is suffering from depression since a long time because of family matters. I wanted to help him so i used to ask him whats wrong with you and he always responded with “i don’t know” . We had decided to marry each other years ago. He proposed me for marriage and I was very happy with him. We were just not ready to support ourself financially so we decided to marry after we both get stable jobs. But something has changed in between. May be the struggle made him depressed along with my “mean” words 🙁 He stopped talkong to me for about a month we didn’t have any contact not even message. After that i tried to contact him he said he was having some problems in his family(with parents) But didn’t told me the exact problem.
I don’t want to blame myself here but i don’t know he made me think that I am guilty for everything bad that is happening in his life. We have been together for 8 years. I wish I could help him but one day he broke up with me because I don’t mean anything other than just a tension in his life. Since then I am crying like each and everyday in shower(i live with my parents). I don’t know how to get him back . I want him to recover from his illness and become the same person i fell in love with. I am following a 30 day no contact rule right now but I am afraid if he felt good after this he would think that I was the only reason behind his mental condition( hope that’s not true). I really want him to recover. I don’t know what to do without him.
You need longer than 30 days. Untreated depression lasts 8mths if you google research reports worldwide on average. It’s a physical illnesss that blurs the mind. Unless he is medicated it is like a walking coma for 8mths. There is NOTHING u can do do get him out of it and u can be a main trigger for him. The only thing u can do is 1. Accept there is 8mths u will be shut out of his life and u will have to manage completely on your own. That’s quite hard to do when people are in denial but if u realise this it will help you. Make a Diary of the next 8mths of outings holidays with friends and family and books to read. Use it as time for u rather than rejection. 2. Always tell him u love him and u are there for him when he gets through it and it will be okay. He will NOT Listern as that is the last thing he wants to hear but in a weird twist it is exactly what he needs to hear. To know I will wait out the time of his blur will comfort him. He will slowly start lifting out of it in 8mths where he will slowly reach out to u. It is extremely hard for them to reach back and sometimes they don’t have the courage as when it lifts they remember how they treated people and get very embarrassed. It’s like dating all over again. Life makes couples grow apart regardless to depression. If u spend 8mths on your own u may by given the freedom meet someone else, find new life interests and may decide he is not what u want or vice verse with him. However this is nothing to do with depression and is about finding yourself. Unfortunately people that are depressed are very fake and haven’t found their true self or sit comparable with it which is why they are so miserable in relationships or feel they are wrong. A breakdown helps show them who they are again good or bad. It’s a big lesson and journey and who knows the outcome. Silent treatment won’t work it’s not about punishing them. However u must set boundaries of no cheating etc in the space period or they will use it as an excuse. Set boundaries and give it 8mths. It’s February now and they usually go under in late November and start lifting august sept. So ur half way through the hard bit already. Don’t get upset by it and use it as a chance to find ur own happiness.
Hi,
It has been a real eye opener to read all of your comments. I was dating someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. We were together for 10 months. After one massive fight 5 months into our relationship he came out and told me he thought he was suffering from depression and his behaviour was due to that. Till that point he had never given me any cause for concern and was the man of my dreams. He constantly told me how madly in love he was with me, pursued me, and convinced me to give him a chance (he is considerably older than me). He made all sorts of promises and was ready to take on the world. Post that fight where he told me about his depression things between us changed. He started getting moody and distant. Every time I asked him about his promises and plans for our future (we had a long distance relationship) he snapped and pushed me further away. We would get into arguements and he would cut off and become incommunicado for days no matter how worried or upset I was. I would often have to get his Mum involved, as she is the only person he would respond to. Finally after all the pull and push I got frustrated and ended things. As soon as things ended he seemed relieved. He began acting like he was glad things ended, began saying he didnt love me, he had been feeling trapped and suffocated for a long time and wanted to disassociate with everyone. He didnt know what he wanted in life, he couldnt handle a relationship due to his past relationship hurt and he couldnt see any point in life. I tried to get him to change his mind about us, but he would keep saying he didnt know what he wanted anymore. All through this he refused to get help even though he knew it was damaging him and me. Most days he will refuse to even acknowledge he has depression as he thinks people will think he is ‘cuckoo’ (a term he uses to describe himself). All the while he was battling his inner demons he didnt utter a word to me (this continued for 5 months). He would still behave like he wanted a future with me and keep making promises to that effect. Only when I ended things did he tell me the truth. He keeps justifying all his bad behaviour to the depression and keeps telling me I do not understand how he feels. When I asked him to get help so he could articulate his feelings better to me and educate me on how to behave around him when he felt down he refused. He now lives his life like we never dated, like he was never interested in me and like he never made any promises of this future. I feel like I have been discarded without a second thought and like I wasnt good enough. He has such flares in temper and says such hurtful things when we argue, that I feel like he isnt the man I fell in love with, as this man is just vile. And like many others have stated, I have been there for him in his dark moods, supported him, calmed him down. He believes it is his depression, but I believe he is as responsible for hurting me, for not acknowledging his hurtful actions. I tried to stay friends, because I knew what a wonderful kind soul he could be and knew he needed a friend as no one besides me knows how he feels as he hides it from his family, friends and work colleagues. But his erratic behaviour lately has taken such a toll on my own self esteem and my own well being. After reading all of the comments I realise I need to cut all ties as he will continue to treat me badly because he thinks his behaviour is part of his illness and not something he personally does.
Hi. My fiance left me last March very suddenly. No argument nothing. She said she’d fallen out of love with me. She moved back in with her parents. Cut all ties with her close friends and just turned into a cruel emotionless person. We had been together 11 years. She had previously had a really tough few months. Problems at work etc. It turned out she had general anxiety disorder. Anyway…just like magic…she came back 8 weeks later….and we agreed to get back together, postpone the wedding and concentrate on us and her. Last September October time I actually thought we are getting somewhere here. We will be ok. Only a few days into November she came to me and said her anxiety was really bad again. I’d noticed she had not been sleeping well but it turned out that she had not slept at all in 3 nights. One night, she started hallucinating and saying there was demons coming out of the wall and trying to get her. This lasted a good 2 hours. I just held her and eventually calmed her down. We went to our gp the next day and she was given a course of tablets and signed off work for 3 months. She was clearly not well but leading up to Xmas there were small signs of improvement. Then…she said she needed space and went to her mums. No reason given. Just one night at first..then 2 and then….she didn’t come back. She ended it with me 2 weeks ago. Same scenario….States she had fallen out of love with me. My heart has literally been shattered. Again. I love this girl with everything I have. Her parents dont understand mental illness…they find it embarrassing. I don’t know what to do…..
I’m currently losing my boyfriend of 2 years who is also my best friend of 15 years. We are now in our mid 30s. He’s always had some anxiety and depression symptoms and was treated for them consistently. He grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive father who I’m sure is bipolar. His paternal grandmother also had bipolar disorder and was abusive.
He’s had some rough relationships over the years with abuse and he’s under stress with work often. I know those things have effected him as well. He struggles with self esteem and has been a compulsive shopper at times.
We have been friends for so many years. No one knows him like I do and no one knows me like he. We share a special bond and after years of dating others we suddenly realize together is where we belonged. We’ve had a very good relationship. Love and laughter, supporting each other. There has been a few episodes of depression and he pulls back a little, but I let him know I’m there and he’s seen his doctor and things get better. They often occur when he is home on work vacation, as he still lives with his parents and his father starts in on him.
Over the last few months the anxiety was so bad the Dr added a new med, and while this decreased the anxiety attacks it started increasing the depression and the feeling of not caring if he lived. The dr has referred him to a Psychiatrist who he sees soon as the appointments were booked out 4 months. He felt he was suffering with bipolar depression.
During Christmas break his depression was growing. He got to the point I wouldn’t hear from him unless I messaged him. When he returned to work he was overwhelmed and then he has a huge car expenses he couldn’t afford and it was enough to push him over the edge. He told me he didn’t know what he wanted anymore because nothing made him happy. He couldn’t tell me if he wanted to be together or not. He told me that he wanted me in his life, but not sure how. I told him that I needed to be honest and was heartbroken and couldn’t go back to being his friend. That I needed to be fair and take care of myself too. He told me that he wasn’t sure if it was the depression talking, his heart talking or his mind talking so he didn’t want to give me an answer and make a mistake.
My sole hurts for him and for me. I love him, but have no idea what’s coming next or if I should stay or go. This blog has help at least understand that it’s not anything I did and the ugly face of depression talking. I am grateful that he had at least not blamed me and knows it’s something he needs to fix. Thank you for letting me share. It helps me deal
I really feel you. My boyfriend of two years, we are both in late twenties and were planning to get married, was suffering from anxiety and some form of depression for more than 4 years without treatment or help. When we got together i supported him and i took him to a psychiatrist so he can get help. He was on antidepressants. He kept telling me to get engaged and to move in together however I kept saying that i wanted to finish my masters degree first and then we can do that. We were also actively trying to have a baby! Everything seemed fine. Until new years eve that he got really upset because he wanted us to get engaged and I kept saying later and i wasn’t ready to commit. And that we should get engaged or thats it.
The next day, he broke up with me. He told me that he loves me but that love alone is not enough. He said he is not happy. And that he is losing his smile day by day. And that that was the end.
I tried to make him change his mind but he didn’t even want to discuss it. He didn’t want to see me. Or talk to me. Ever again.
The last month he started taking a different brand of antidepressants, some stronger ones…and i am afraid the new meds had a lot to do with his behaviour.
He was telling me that he wants us to get married just the previous day!! That’s so NOT normal.
I feel aweful. And i am trying to be strong. Please be strong as well. I hope you will be happy again very soon. You deserve it.
Thank you for posting about this.
I have been with my fiance for 12 years, he deals with depression or even possible bi-polar. I know it can be hard to deal with the emotional shifts for people who suffer from these issues but often times I do feel like the partner is not looked at or talked about. That we should just accept any second could be a different person walking in from another room.
That we have to accept the verbal abuse that comes out of them when they have an episode. And while I often times can put up walls during this time period or have a thicker skin there are some days where I am worn down and what is said cuts very deeply. Yes they can go out and come back saying sorry but there comes a time they have to learn or gain the tools to deal with these episodes before they damage their partner. If they do not I fear a good chunk of the partners will break and have a hard time to pick up their own pieces after an attack.
It is good to know that someone out there understands we all have to accept what we say to one another and try our best to repair what was broken and not just with a simple sorry. Sometimes I do want to vent right back at him but it only seems to feed it so a lot of times I bottle it up.
Don’t accept poor behavior! I look back on a previous relationship and wonder why in the world my ex didn’t stand up for herself – codependency, through and through. She should have stood up for herself not only for her own protection, but because I continued to think my behavior was acceptable. By accepting maltreatment, you’re sending the message to your partner (and to yourself!) that it’s okay to treat you poorly. Illness is no excuse for abuse, something I wish I had learned much earlier in my life.
Incidentally, I’m envious that you stick around. I learned the hard way and in my most recent relationship did my utmost to always be upfront about when I was feeling ill and made it explicit that my ex had nothing to do with it. She left me anyway.
Good luck.
Same thing, abusive partner. Gets drunk binge drinking, wont admit it and is a nightmare to be with. Every thing my fault. I got high blood pressure problems and a broken heart.What do you do, move on its hard but no point staying in a relationship like this. Sorry thing is that they will do it with some one else and mess their minds and life up. I dont know the answer other than breaking up. I am getting feed up looking on net at their problems. Look after yourself. Happy Christmas.
HI. My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. everything was gong fine until I got depression and he did support me through the toughest time and then when I was feeling better within myself I went back to work and the second day back we had a very heated argument . after that he just stopped loving me. WE broke up a week later and I know live back with my mum and he heart tells him he wants me back but his head doesn’t want to get treated like that again. now I’m on the other side of depression I can see how much my hatred and abusiveness has affected him. I didn’t mean the things I did or said and I wish I could take everything back but I can’t. I can only apologies and his not willing to give me the chance to prove that it won’t happen again so what can I do. Yes, we can move on but when I saw him last he was saying how much he missed me and he still gives me compliments. I just think his mind is fractured and hurt by my actions. I don’t know if we will ever reconcile but I do plan on writing him a letter just so I can get my feelings across. to apologise and ask for his forgiveness . Maybe in time he’ll want me back but he thinks I’m still acting out of anger when I’m actually acting out of hurt that the man I thought I was going to marry has broken my heart . I know in this relationship were bother not innocent but i do owe him an apology . Is there anything else I can try to win the heart of my ex back as I can see the love is still there. his eyes say it all.
At least you are acknowledging , the things that hurt your partner, and realised it was wrong , that is a start , depression is an awful illness, and being an ex partner of an depressed woman , it is not nice on the receiving end , when all you are trying to do is to make life easier and showing your love for them
I don’t blame the person I blame the illness , which does warp your mind and change you
Keep telling you partner that you have acknowledged you hurt him , and hopefully he will learn to trust your words
Samantha,
I would suggest that in your letter of apology for “hatred and abusiveness” toward your ex, don’t just ask for forgiveness (and refrain from accusing him of breaking your heart) but also speak on what you’ve done to receive treatment/what you have learned from this whole situation. If your ex was supportive of you, his intention was probably not to break your heart just to protect his own. He may still love you, but even love must bow to self-respect. By not only expressing remorse but also showing you have taken steps to address the issues in your inner life that caused you to lash out/not be the partner you wanted to be towards him, you are showing that you have taken action to hopefully prevent these issues from affecting your relationships this way again, and respectfully allow him to decide if he would like to take the “risk” of opening himself to you again.
Sometimes we are blessed in life to receive second chances. Sometimes we are not, but there is always a lesson and sometimes the lesson itself is a second chance. If you cannot reconcile with your ex, there will be another man in your life eventually and this experience will remind you to be a good steward of not only your own wellbeing but the love of your partner.
Thank you for sharing! Good luck!
Hi Again,
So it is 6 weeks in and it is now to the point where I do not hear from him unless I text first (since last week). This was due to questioning him too much about his weekend plans and he blew up on me. He has been nice since and I saw him yesterday, but he would barely look at me. It’s so hard not knowing his daily plans. He tells me he barely looks at his phone anymore. Sigh. I know he loves and cares for me, but scares me how long he will take to come out of this and he may never get his feelings for me back. Question: I know they do not feel much anymore for their partners (like numb or feels as if they do not like us anymore), but we obviously still feel everything for them. Does this mean that when we think of the good times, the memories, the love, the missing them, the attraction, etc. that they lose all of that as well? Because we sit there and cry daily for them, in pain, and while they are in their own worse pain, it’s like they do not seem to even think much about us or have those feelings anymore. So is that why it’s easier for them to just walk away and hide away from us? They do not worry we would find someone else, since in their mind, they feel they are, in a sense, over us? Even if deep down and once this clears, they are not?
This is so frustrating. I heard this takes 6-9 months to clear as well….. He still has things at our apt and the apt key, so maybe he is not giving up and wants to hold on to some things to come back later, or wishful thinking?? He was saying he loved me every day last week and now no contact.
Hi Kristin,
Your case reminds me so much what I am going through now with my partner (ex now). How are the things now?
Hi Eva
Not good 🙁 he doesn’t contact me at all now and his family started deleting me off social media. Guess he’s just done with me. Stupid disease. How far are you into this?
Dear Kristin!Hello and I am very sorry for all your problems!
My boyfriend just brake up with me for exachly the same reason like yours.
The time he been a little boy he been abused so badly by his alcoholic parents.
Now he is living with his abusive mom who makes his life totally hell.
He suffering from anxiety and depression and he told me today he is lost him self.And he is trying to find him self back.I am totally shocked and heart broken.
He also told me he likes to be a friend .
Kristin!In this situation the best thing we can do to be a very supportive and patiently wait come back.
I strongly believe our love ones coming back to us.
We need to give them a space.
I will pray for you happiness and please pray for me too.
Keep the Faith!!!!God is going to help us!
Happy days will come back.
Be a positive!!!
Sincerely,Natalia.