Does the Partner or Depression Cause the Breakup?

burning sunset in dark clouds

I’ve often described the way depression can break up close relationships, but does the illness explain everything? How responsible are depressed partners for the human cost that others pay because of what they do when they’re ill?

One reader told me I’d confused her about this. First, I talked about depression taking over someone, as it had done to her husband. The angry stranger he became was the opposite of the man she had married. He became remote, blamed her for everything and left for a time.

Depression can do that. If it’s treated effectively and goes away, however, it might be possible for the old, familiar person to return and the couple to get close to each other again.

It seemed to her that I was putting all the blame on depression, as if the couple had been hurt by flying debris in a tornado and then could heal their wounds after the storm had passed.

Thinking about her partner’s leaving and coming back made more sense to her when explained as the impact of a destructive illness. It wasn’t really him acting in those terrible ways but an inner monster that was driving his behavior and twisting his thoughts. To some extent, that’s true, and I have often described it that way.

But I’ve also talked about the responsibility of recovering partners to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. They were the ones who acted abusively, had affairs, left home without a word, then returned and apologized, then left again – or did other things just as destructive to their families.

When I talked about depressed partners in that way, she thought I couldn’t empathize with her returning husband. He was back, full of remorse and trying with her to restore the relationship. It sounded to her like I was blaming him, after all, rather than his depression.

I know it’s confusing, but this isn’t an either/or choice. Depression causes the changes in behavior, even personality, but depressed partners still need to own up to the damage and pain their actions have brought about. I believe that is an important part of recovery.

It’s such a complicated and sensitive thing to talk about – especially when answering a question from someone who is trying so hard right now to understand what happened.

Though I’ve written about this before, I doubt I’ve ever hit the right balance in describing the way I see it. And, of course, the way I see it only comes out of my experience and won’t necessarily match what others are going through.

Depressed partners can’t simply put the blame on their illness, assure their partners that all the hurtful behavior wasn’t aimed at them and expect that everything will get back to the way it used to be.

I know that doesn’t work because I used to think that way. After a long spell of sullen withdrawal, feeling like my wife was to blame, wanting to get away, I’d snap out of it and be responsive and loving again. I’d feel deeply remorseful but explain what had happened with words like these:

You have to understand that it wasn’t about you. It was all about depression and what was going on inside me.

That was sincere but didn’t help much. Both of us wanted to believe that I was back, and that we could pick up where we had left off. However, things weren’t really the same at all.

Before long, I’d get depressed again, then come out of it, offer the same explanation and feel the same remorse. My wife couldn’t accept that explanation after the first couple of episodes.

She’d tell me:

How can you say it wasn’t personal? You did this to me not to a shadow in your head. How am I supposed to trust you now? I never know who you’ll be from one day to the next.

Saying it was all depression wouldn’t cut it. I had to accept the reality that I had done deeply hurtful things to her. I had to own up to what I had done, get help and work with her to restore trust.

I also had to face her anger. That wasn’t easy for her to express, and it sure wasn’t easy for me to hear. With the help of a therapist, she could get it all out, and I could sit there and take it without trying to fight her off or get angry in return.

What I had done really sank in then. For the next day or two I felt a deep grief. My eyes were clouded with tears much of that time. That’s when I fully grasped the emotional impact on my wife and kids and could see in bright sunlight how much I had put at risk.

After that, I could never again rely on the idea that depression alone had done the harm. It did its work through me and my behavior. I had to learn how to live with the illness and limit the damage I might do to my family while under its influence.

Worrying about what the cause was, who or what is to blame, isn’t going to help much. What happened is done and can’t be undone. Yes, depression will change behavior in drastic ways, but treating it successfully doesn’t bring a relationship back to what it had been.

I put it this way in another post about broken relationships:

… the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.

It’s a great thing when a relationship can adapt to the impact of depression and survive. Many don’t, especially when the illness keeps coming back. There’s a lot anger, hurt and broken trust to deal with, and treating the illness of one person won’t do it for you.

That’s been my experience. Has it turned out differently for you?

620 Responses to “Does the Partner or Depression Cause the Breakup?”

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  1. Barbara says:

    My partner has depression–most of his family has it. Two siblings committed suicide, and a third has tried. His answer to me asking me why he refuses to get help? “You can leave if you don’t like it.” Well guess what? I knew that already. This gets to the whole question of who is doing the heavy emotional lifting in this relationship. I am, and I know that. So I would have to uproot myself because he’s too lazy and cheap to get help (he refuses to get insurance, BTW)?

    I have come to realize it’s not worth my energy to fight with a grown ass adult about refusing to find and get treatment. So, I just live my life. I give it to God–every single time. Was hard to learn to do that. I can’t make him get help; I can’t control his decisions nor his lack of making decisions, because he prevaricates A LOT. When he’s not in the throes of a bout, he’s an awesome partner. When he is controlled by depression, he’s an asshole. I do my own thing, stopped worrying about his problems, and stay calm. His fall back of “leave if you don’t like” is so immature. If I leave, he loses everything because I am the breadwinner. I’m not that cold hearted–yet. But believe me, I also have a back up escape plan. I am only responsible for me; his actions are not mine to take on. As the song goes, “It’s not my cross to bear.”

  2. Melanie says:

    Now there’s an interesting question I’m trying to work out.

  3. Belle says:

    My bf and I had been dating for 3 years. We’re in our mid 30’s. A really good relationship, never faught. There may have been tiny tiffs here and there but they were SO small, we maturely talked about it and moved on. We were each other’s person. We had each other’s back, full of love and talked about our future. Last year when the pandemic hit, he lost his job. I was living in my apt and was scared to even go outside. I stayed isolated for like 2.5 months. He randomly broke up with me- called me hysterically (I never heard him this way) it was hard to understand where this was all coming from. But he emotionally crashed and felt maybe abandoned by me.. I assured him everything was ok, he said I “talked him off the edge” and he apologized a lot for putting me through that. That break up didn’t even last until the end of the phone call. I went to his house the next day (also he had a roommate which was why I didn’t bunker down with him, they both didn’t take that much precaution during that time with the pandemic).
    Fast forward.. we’re good. He gets a job. Everything is fine. I’m over his house like 3 days a week, I eventually move in 6 months later, in Nov. He wanted me to (he always has) and I wanted to too. Living together was easy. Decemember, I noticed he seemed like he had a lot on his mind. He then finally tells me that there’s a good chance he will lose his job in Jan/Feb of 2021. But he was filling out job applications non stop to be prepared. I also noticed a couple of times him getting irritated over little things that I did. Like only 2 or 3 things, but they were so minor and I just figured, he’s dealing with a bit on his plate and I didn’t take it personally. Xmas comes along.. I plan to visit my family. I had to go back to my apartment (that I still owned) and isolate there for over a week before I see my family. After like 10 days, I’m just too nervous to see my family, and I didn’t want to take the chance. Plus he told me one of his coworkers had covid- so I was really hesitant. So I canceled my plans to see my family. Oh, and before I went to isolate at home, just as I’m headed out his door he tells me that it’s good that I’m going to be away with family because he plans on quitting cigs and pot, and he knows he’ll probably be really irritable and didn’t want his negativeness affect me. So I was surprised that he tells me this at the last min, but I supported that, and said ok. So anyway, when I canceled my plans to see my family– I tell him, and I say “well at least this means I get to come back to you!” and he said that he still needed to work on himself quitting and with his withdrawals. He said he was very moody and mad all the time. So I said ok. Now we’re into January. It’s been over two weeks that he has quit and around the time I would have been coming back from my family. He says he still needs time. Then another week goes by. The say before my bday apparently I walked right passed him on the street. He texts me later saying “I could have sworn I saw you on ___ street” and I said yeah, I was there! And asked why he didn’t say anything. He said that he could have sworn that I looked directly at him and gave him a dirty look- which left him stunned and he didn’t know what to do. And he was convinced that I was coming from his apartment and he thought that he was going to come home to a note that said “Go F*** yourself!!” I told him I would never do that. And he just seemed so confused over the phone and kept saying he couldn’t believe I didnt see him (apparently, we walked like 4 feet of each other). Anyway- the next day is my birthday. He sends me a nice but basic bday text (yes, he said he loves me in it). Oh and also, during the last month since I had last seen him, I’ve been reaching out to him first the majority of the time. Anyway- at this point, it’s been over 30 days since I had seen my bf. I’m always reaching out asking how he’s doing- LITERALLY every text back was him saying he’s angry, miserable, depressed, stressed, anxiety, sad, bitter. This I figured was the result of withdrawal and him about to lose his job (oh and he failed at quitting cigs just a couple weeks in but still stayed away from pot which he smoked a few times a day). So it gets to the point where I just want to see him, and finally he says yes and he said lets plan sleepover for the following week. I get there. I knocked, I then let myself in with my set of keys. He’s in the bedroom.. tv is on. I got mad immediately. “You don’t even get up to greet me?” and he says he was just letting me get settled. So I say ok, and ease off. But then I’m thinking- what is going on, for a guy that always says how much he loves me, loves my company, always misses me if a couple of days go by.. who is this guy that needed 30 plus days alone?!! So I blurt out- “Are we dating??” And he says “Let’s just open your xmas and bday presents first” and I’m shocked that he didn’t answer. So I could care less about presents but I say ok. I open them. I thank him. I make a point of how great they are. Then I ask again…oh and I forgot to mention- during the tale end of Dec and January, he has worked EVERY single day- odd hours and like 12-15 hours a day. The day I finally came over was his first day off since xmas eve. So when I asked for the second time, are we dating- he was like “I just want to turn my mind’s my one day” and I said I understood that but I also hadn’t seen him for a month and was considerate of his needs during that time. So then he starts crying a little.. he says he’s written applications to 100s of places, hasn’t heard back, he may lose his apartment (this I found out just after xmas when we spoke on the phone, which was something he heard just before I left which explained why he seemed so consumed in thoughts). And like maybe 4 years ago or so, before I met him, he went through a deep depression when he lost his job (a job he enjoyed) and had to work little jobs here and there just to stay afloat). He said it was the worst time in his life. He isolated himself, was angry and all that. So he saw this “dark cloud” hanging over us.. was scared this was going to happen again. We talked about having kids and starting a family this year- and he kept saying “how can we do that if I can’t even support myself?” So I tried to give advice.. tried to stay positive that we’d be ok and he’ll find a job but he just wouldn’t accept that. Finally, I just let it go- I can see that he was just physically and mentally drained and we made love, watched a movie, spent the night. The next day- I approached the issues a little.. same conversation and concerns. He basically said- if I was your dad, I would tell you to move on.. have a chance with someone who can give you a family with support and be happy. I just didn’t know how to respond to all that. And I packed some of my clothes and brought it home with me. I def left his apartment irritated and mad. He saw that.
    During that week- we texted sweetly to each other- he still felt lost and with no hope with work but he said he’ll try whatever he can to “find a remedy to this solution.” At the end of the week I basically was like, why can’t I be back living with you… and he just basically went back to him being in this dark place, scared he’s not going to come out of it ever, suggests I find happiness with someone else..etc When I don’t respond- the next day he texts that he can’t believe I didn’t respond and I said I just need to digest everything he was saying and that I’m accepting the hard truth- that it’s over. And he’s like why do you think I’m breaking up with you when I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness for yours…blah blah.. and I’m just left so confused! But with more texts- he just continues to say that of course loves me, he knows I’m his person, he can’t see himself with anybody else… but he doesn’t want to keep me from happiness, that I should find someone else. ***At this point, I’m thinking, he just wants out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who broke us up. But now I’m thinking he’s being truthful? I don’t know.*** Anyway, a week goes by, I ask to come over to pick up some stuff. He asked to reschedule cuz he’s not ready to face the reality of it all but understands if I need to and will respect that. Well, I needed to get more of my clothes. So I did go over. I go there- I was in and out in like 15 mins. I was polite, said how are you, smiled. But I didn’t touch him at all. While I was there- two times he said “This is so weird” and his face was bright red like he was trying not to break down. I nodded and said yeah.
    Two weeks go by, I need to grab more stuff.. I come in.. first things he says to me is how weird it was when he last saw me– that he was the first time that we never touched. And I agreed, and I said “I don’t know how to do this (break up)” and he said him too. We had a good conversation- I didn’t talk about the break up. Just asked how finding work was going (not well) and if he was moving (not sure). Apparently his family knows we broke up- he said his mother said that he needs to take care of himself. He said he loves me. Will always love me. That we’re not enemies (I was thrown off by that comment). I made a point to ask if he wanted a hug- and he hugged me for so long and soooooo tight. And I left. That was a week ago. We haven’t texted since. He said I can come over whenever to grab more stuff. I’m thinking I’ll do it sunday.
    Anyway- that’s my story. After reading so much- I believe our love is real but he’s going through a deep depression and he said the last time he went through this, it lasted years. I’m giving him his space. Obviously, I love him, he’s my best friend. Him in pain, pains me. But I don’t want to push him away, so I’m keeping my distance. However, the trust is broken. If he was to come back to me.. how would I know this wouldn’t happen again? And then I’ll be older and miss having a chance to have my own family. Something that he says he doesn’t want me to miss. And he said he wants to be a father more than anything and this hurts him too. I guess I’m not really searching for advice because I believe giving him space is important.. but more so wanting to hear from other’s in my shoes- how did your relationship turn out- are you in my boyfriend’s shoes? Did you break up with someone while dealing with depression/anxiety.

  4. EJ says:

    My boyfriend has been depressed and had been withdrawing from me, then he broke up out of the blue when he had gotten annoyed with me, saying he didn’t see a future with me and that he wanted to be on his own. I had tried so hard to love him and weather the storms. Is this his depression or how he really feels?

    • CS says:

      I had the exact thing happen the other day, we talked about it and he said he just feels nothing and unsure of all aspects in his life including the relationship.

      He described it as a gray, dull empty feeling that makes him want to be in bed all day.

      I think it must be the depression talking and only allowing him to feel that as any a future seems hopeless.

      Do you see any path for working on your relationship or not really?

      Stay strong

      • Kat says:

        How have things been for either of you? I am going through this now. His best friend committed suicide last month. He’s also starting his big time career next month so a lot on his plate. But he wouldn’t open up about anything? Just got annoyed with me and instead of ending it with words or a talk, threatened to block me and did.

  5. CEV says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago because he admitted that he is suffering from depression. We dated for 5 months, we lost a baby because we decided to do an abortion because we weren’t financially ready (i’m guilty in doing so but we had to do it, it is very hard for me) and been officially together for 3 months, we were happy. Then 2 mos ago we had some relationship problems, i found out that he lied to me twice and the third time i overreacted because of his ex. I used to snoop on his laptop and phone to see if he was telling the truth I got paranoid since I found out that he was lying to me. After our third fight, i feel like his hiding things from me, so I kept asking if we’re okay and asking if he’s telling the truth. During the last months same time with our fights, he is also struggling with his company and found out a huge debt that he needs to pay during this pandemic. I see how stressful it was for him and I can see him struggling. And he is taking care of the company problem alone. I also noticed him being cold to me and I feel like I’m not being valued. He told me he’s sorry and he’s saying that I didn’t sign up for how broken he is. His ex is his business partner and she affected him a lot personally. He was always being neglected and used to solve all the problems alone. He had personal issues, like questioning his self-worth. He told me that he has suicidal thoughts because he cannot handle the pressure, and admitting to me that he is suffering from depression thinks it’s demoralising. He looked for a help to resolve his personal issues, he said that he wants to find a good therapists to help him get better and overcome this. He broke up with me days before his therapy starts, I wasn’t really paying attention about his depression, because I myself don’t know how to deal with it but keep telling him that I’m always here for him. I kept asking if we’re okay because I didn’t understand why is he being cold etc, he said that we need to break up so we can work on ourselves and him saying that I should work on gaining back my confidence to not overthink again. He said that he’s not happy right now and he can feel that it’s affecting me. I told him that I don’t want to break up, but he said it’ll be for the best. He said has a lot of problems right now and I’m adding more pressure to it. He told me he’s pushing everyone away.

    I’m still having a hard time understanding why he broke up with me, having hard time understanding what he’s going through right now.
    I so want to be with him right now but he doesn’t want me to. He told me that once he’s ready he’ll reach out again and see what will happen.

    What do I do? Do I move on? Or do I wait until he gets better? I really love him and I can feel that he loves me too. I want to check up on him from time to time. Should I do that?

    • S says:

      Hi Cev,
      I’m going through a similar situation and having a really hard time. Did you ever decide what to do? To be there for him or leave him alone?

      • CEV says:

        Hi S,

        I decided to move on since his words and actions doesn’t match. He was playing like a victim all the time. I tried to understand him but how can I help him if he is not helping himself.

        I got affected a lot since I love him, until now actually. I’m still having hard time.

        I need to move on, since I know I have a better future ahead of me and I deserve better. He wanted to be friends atleast, but I said I don’t think I can cos I can still remember all the memories and pain. And I felt like I was a back up plan.

        • S says:

          Thank you for answering.

          I’m sorry that it happened like that. I think you are right and you have a better future out there waiting. But I understand your pain. I feel so stuck and lost. I don’t know how to let go.

          I hope you find so much better in the future. No one deserves to hurt like this.

        • CH says:

          Rarely ever does a depressives words and actions align. Its just one of many results of the confusion and fog that envelopes them as a result of the depressive episode they are experiencing. A break up is believe it or not, just as hard, maybe even harder for the Dumper than the Dumper as the Depressive deep down would like nothing more than to be with the person they do truly care about and live a life free from the ongoing storm they find themselves in. Think of it like this… For the Depressive it is comparable to having somewhat of an Outer Body experience, their true loving, caring, connected selves are looking down at themselves as their depressive side pushes away the people whom matter to them most all whilst the loving, caring, connected one self looks on helplessly unable to intervene. The agony and hurt of not being able to control one side of yourself sometimes (especially during the lowest lows and emotional or stressful periods), you cant help but have some sympathy but to what extent is entirely down to you and how much understanding, patience and justification you can give to the behaviour. I’ve come to realise and learn this through my own experience in my relationship.

          • CH says:

            Correction: A break up is believe it or not, just as hard, maybe even harder for the Dumper than the **Dumpee**

  6. Kate says:

    I feel all of this.
    My boyfriend of four years broke up with me four days ago. Says I am a horrible person and that I have always been. We just signed a new lease and I asked why he did that if I am such a horrible bitch. No answer. Blamed me for things that happened two years ago. Took advantage of my family, has been lying to mutual friends. It’s like he is a totally different person. Can’t wait to get out there and sex up the Town. He told lies about what my parents said to him and is spreading all sorts of lies about me.

    It’s like he became a whole other person. I don’t even know who he is right now. I don’t know how to process all of this.

    • Viv says:


      I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t say I’ve been through the exact same, but my fiancé of 5 years entered another depressive episode (worst than any I’ve ever) convinced himself he doesn’t love me, and then cheated on me with a colleague. He’s starting to come out of the other side now and is mortified at what he has done, however during the time I found out about the cheating he convinced himself that I wasn’t making him happy anymore. Now he is still depressed, although knows the affair was wrong, but now fears whether he has fallen out of love with me or whether it was the depression. Meanwhile he has fallen out of love with work and hobbies, and just wants to sleep all the time. It’s like my old fiancé has died and I’m left with a shell. Do I stay with him, and hope it’s the depression and that he was realise he’s in love and that he cheated when in a depressive state, or leave him because he cheated and doesn’t think he loves me?

  7. Rosie says:

    My partner of almost 12 years decided to break up with me a couple of weeks ago saying ‘I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore’. Last year he confessed me he was struggling with depression due to a lot of stress for his job, the divorce of his parents, the fear to have an incurable illness (the doctors say that he can have Rheumatoid arthritis, but it can’t be confirmed) and the death of a close relative. He started eating less, having sleeping problems, loosing interest in any activity and our intimacy started to be affected to the point we stopped any contact apart kisses and hugs.
    He started to focus only on his job and nothing else. He started to avoid to stay alone with me and started to spent more time with a colleague and I started to be jealous of their relationship. More than once we had arguments about it, as I was feeling like he was replacing me with this girl and he started to be upset that I was jealous and he was showing contempt. When the lockdown started due to Covid-19, he started to work from home for several hours without any break. Then at some point he decided to go running in his lunch break and I started to suspect he was meeting with his colleague without telling me, despite it wasn’t allowed to meet people outside the household, but I convinced myself I was only paranoid.
    One day I decided to join him and I took my bike to go find him to come back home together and I saw them together walking along the river and in that moment I felt like I was betrayed and my heart just broken. I went back home trying to be calm and relaxed waiting for him to come back.
    When he was at home I started to ask some questions and he lied when I asked if he was meeting with someone. I then told him that I saw them together and I started to cry and told him I felt betrayed also because he lied when I asked.
    He said there is nothing between them, but he needed someone to talk to and she is very understanding and he said that he didn’t like what our relationship became because of my jealousy and the fact that it was impossible to have any conversation without anger and jealousy involved and he had the feeling that I became to dependant on him.
    He said he was feeling too depressed and he didn’t know how to delete everything has happened in the past year and he felt guilty that he was causing me pain and unhappiness and he said that maybe the best thing to do was to end out relationship because his depression was ruining everything. He asked me to leave him as he didn’t want to drag me in the darkness. I refused to leave him as I saw him suffering and we decided to try to do something to fix our relationship and seek help from a professional.
    A couple of weeks passed, but nothing changed. Actually it started to be worse. He stopped to go out, he started to stay in bed until late on Saturdays and Sundays, he stopped going out, stopped showering and shave his beard, and everything I tried to to involve him failed. Until one Sunday morning, when he said that he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore, that he felt empty and he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay with me. He confessed that he suffered of depression in the past and he is worried that also if he can get over it now, the depression will come back at some point. He said he had to be alone as he needed to understand his feeling but with me in the house it was impossible.
    For me was like a hearth-quake came and destroyed everything and I was devastated. His colleague contacted me and she said she wanted to talk to me as she knew about his mental health issues. She told me that she noticed him very unhappy, but she didn’t know we had problems until he told her. She wanted to confirm that they aren’t seeing each other but they are very good friends and she tried to help him to face his problems and convince him to seek professional help. She told me he confessed that he was unhappy and he felt guilty to end the relationship because he didn’t want to make me suffer, but I had to accept that he didn’t want to stay with me anymore.
    I couldn’t do anything else to make him change his idea and I accepted to let him go with the death in my heart. From that day he changed behaviour, he started to shower again, he shaved, he started to go out for a walk. He was like a new person and I started to think that he faked his depression to make me go away. I also thought that he is probably faking now; he put a mask to seem relieved to convince everyone that now he is happy and he was suffering about the situation.
    He stayed in our house for more 2 weeks since the break up and he was sleeping in the spare room. Despite he told me that he was going away he wasn’t looking for a new apartment, until I told him that I found a new place and I was moving out in a month, as I couldn’t live in a place where there are so many memories. Only at that point he started to look for a new place and he moved out recently. It seems like he didn’t want to do the first step.
    The day he moved out his colleague helped him to move all his stuff and I started to have again the feeling that they are seeing each other.
    When he finished to collect all his stuff, he came to say goodbye (he wants to remain friends and he will help me for the moving) and he asked if he could hug me. At the beginning I hesitated, but then I hugged him and I started to cry. He cried as well and I told him that I loved him so much and to take care of himself and to ask help and solve his issues. He said that he loved me as well and I was the most important person in his life and he doesn’t want to loose me, but I also have to take care of myself and I have a long journey ahead.
    Since he moved out I live like in an alternative reality, I still think that it didn’t happen and I hope that once he stays alone in his house, he starts to think and he will change his mind.
    I read a lot about depression in this period and I found out that sometimes depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
    I know that I have to think about myself now and I have to do something to heal, but I’m still very concerned about him.
    Most of the times I think that I want to come back together and start again, but I’m also worried that if this has happened once, it will probably happen again.
    The only thing I’m sure is that I love him so much that I don’t want to loose him forever.

    • Bramley says:

      Hi Rosie, I can relate to everything you wrote and I too have been through something very similar.

      This might be a long shot and I am not sure how much contact you have at the moment with your partner but you mention that your partner though he might have arthritis.

      My partner was also diagnosed wth arthritis and then depression within a short space of time.

      I did a lot of medical research and discovered that it was very likely that he was gluten intolerant. Gluten intolerance can cause all sorts of problems in the body including joint pain and is also linked to mental health and depression.

      It depends on how open your partner might be to this but cutting out all gluten from his diet might just help. Some people end up cutting out most carbs and seeing a huge improvement over n their mental and physical health in a short space of time. It might not work for everyone but cutting out gluten is a very good place to start.

      I wish you well for the future.

    • G says:

      I am completely feeling this. I recently had to break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he hasn’t been managing his depression. He is my best friend but the relationship is a rollercoaster. I miss him everyday but nothing was changing. He always had things he was going to work on (see a therapist, stop drinking, exercise more) but it was mostly talk. Now, that we broke up he started seeking treatment. It is frustrating that it took us breaking up to get treatment.

  8. Bailey says:

    Here’s my story:

    I recently dated a guy, who immediately broke down all my barriers. It was amazing and the connection was instant. I’m in my late 20s and he was 33. We spent all pf our free time together and which lead to us hanging out about 3 to 4 times a week. He shared his secrets and the fact that he was a recovering addict that had been clean for 4 years. Then in January, he had to have back surgery.

    After surgery, I stayed with him to make sure he for about a week. His parents were grateful, since he was far from home. But he became depressed and told me he suffered with depression, but he was able to pick himself up from it. Obviously, with surgery and getting out of his work pit routine, not working, and eating poorly, it caused him to slip into a deeper state of depression. I could notice the difference in behavior because he started drinking more, and not being the nicest person to me personally.

    After confronting him about his recently behaviors and excessive drinking, he stated that it was because he was no longer in routine. Then a month later, he told me he relaspe on opioids. I never dealt with depression or a relapse, so I personally was unable to fully understand. Then there was the long 2 weeks or withdrawal, which we made it through, and he started exercising and going to the gym again, and would tell me how much he loved and cared for me.

    He decided to go to Georgia home for a little over a week, due to the Pandemic of course. He came back, and was so lovey-dovey, and then the following week I seen him once during the week and my typically weekend visit. However, when he went to work on Saturday, I spontaneously receive a break up text from him. Confused of course because I was at his place, and everything was normal in my eyes. He stated that the relationship was no good, and that he was no good for me. I didn’t understand where he was coming from, because things seemed normal.

    Needless to say, he came home and pretended like things where normal. Wanted to carry on with weekend plans and everything. Being me, I did not pretend because the breakup text was sent less then 30 mins ago. I try to ask the reason for the decision, but he kept avoiding me, and stated he was moving back home. I realized the day we live in, but for a man who just spontaneously brought a new car the same week, and resigned his lease the following month. It seems off.

    I packed up and went home that night, because there was no need to pretend. Plus, i could see he was pushing me away. The next morning i texted him for an explanation still, however he kept giving me the same response, saying I was ruining our chance to get back together. So, I started practicing radio silence because at this point there is no comfory I can provide him

  9. Bree says:


    I am having a very tough being if the year. My boyfriend of 2years broke up with me in the 1st of the year. He’s been trying to figure life out and he’s been frustrated about a lot of things not moving forward; business, career and all and he recently moved back with his parents but he has nothing doing so he is at home most of of the time.
    I sensed he started being very withdrawn and snaps over small things and I was really getting worked up about it all. He had mentioned that he usually gets bouts of anxiety & depression especially when he gets broke But he isn’t someone who talks a lot lot about his feelings.

    He started acting very withdrawn. I also have this ptsd from past relationships where peoole just left so I was feeling like that was about to happen again and the fear crept in. I kept asking him if I had done something wrong and why he was just angry at me but this made him withdraw the more. At this point I didn’t know that it wasn’t about me… I just wanted him to talk to me but I only succeeded in pushing him further away.

    So on the 1sr of the year, we just spoke a little and I apologised about the emotional outbursts telling him I just wanted him to talk to me and he just said he was tired of the relationship and said we had to break up.

    I have been so devastated and confused and just asking myself what I did wrong. In Nigeria we don’t have mental health support and many peoole go untreated. We don’t even have it easy getting to therapy or counselling so we largely rely on God and fixing it ourselves. It’s hard for me because when I remember him saying he is tired of the relationship I can’t help but feel it’s something to do with me and how I’ve been trying to just get him to talk to me and give me some attention. I feel so bad now knowing that I was probably acting selfish and not seeing that he was getting depressed and frustrated with life… He also now mentioned that we weren’t in the same town & that we were both AS (this is something we had known before we got pretty serious and accepted to look out medical options for) so him bringing it up really hurt me and made me feel he was just looking for more points to solidify that we had to breakup. In the end he said Maybe it’s not even about me… I had tot of many possible reasons including maybe him seeing someone else and it drove me to speak to his brother who disclosed everything to me saying my (ex) bf is going through a tough episode right now including everything about his depression and all

    We had met his parents, my mom and all his friends so things were pretty serious. I sent him a text yesterday just to encourage him… Nothing about the relationship and he replied saying he really appreciated it.

    Now I’m worried going through all your experiences here. Did my complains push him further away? Should I go to see him and just tell him that I understand? Over text it could trigger some negative feeling especially if he doesn’t reply or respond. Should I give him some space? What if he moves on from me? I don’t want to lose him at all but there’s so much we haven’t spoken about especially how his withdrawal makes me feel and how it appears to me that now makes me talk (what he calls complains and emotional outbursts)

    Please help me. I don’t want to do anything that would push him further away like going to visit him at home with hopeS that we can talk about it. What if he doesn’t want to see me???

    • olga says:

      Have you noticed anything strange about his behavior like breaking things? Does he take any pills?

      • Brad says:

        Don’t know if anyone can relate to this. Me and my Gf broke up at the start of September 2020, it was out of the blue, she just said she can’t handle the relationship right now and wants to stay clear from them. Her father passed away two weeks before we broke up towards end of August. She just sent me a text out the blue saying’ I can’t 100% commit to relationship right now, can you come pick all your bits and pieces up.

        We had the most amazing relationship and connection well that’s at least what I thought.

        We have been still in contact through text, but usually me initiating the contact every now and then I send a text, sometimes a week apart or two weeks. I have mentioned since September to now January 2021 about meeting up for a walk, but she always says she will let me know, but never materialises.

        But my question to you lot is, if she wasn’t interested in me anymore why wouldn’t she just say look I don’t want to meet up with you anymore and wish me all the best for the future. I still love her and she knows this, but it’s just all one way traffic. Can’t get her on a phone call and can’t get her on a meet up.

  10. Matt says:

    Hey all,
    Thank you for sharing all your stories. I am in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 9 years. She suffers from depression but had recently been taking medication and seeing a counselor to try to help things. Unfortunately these things didnt help and she was admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. While she was in the hospital she was constantly telling me she loves me, and wanted to get better for our relationship. When she returned home from the hospital it was a completely different story. I got the silent treatment and was told that she no longer wanted to be in the relationship because she was so messed up.

    I responded very poorly as I couldn’t understand why she was doing this. During our relationship I never took her cries for help seriously. I would try to fix her problems for her Instead of just standing by her. I never understood the reality that depression was this serious. Looking back there were a lot of times were I should have done things differently. I recognize my mistakes about the matter and have been doing ton of research on depression.

    I decided to give her space and just be available whenever or however she needs. During her first week out, she would constantly leave my texts unread. The 2nd week however I started getting little messages here and there asking for little favors. I love this woman and truly believe we are ment for eachother. I have started counseling as well to be better prepared to support her in the way she needs. I just get confused by the mixed messages. She asked me to cat sit for her during a recent move which I was happy to do. But then I dont hear anything for a couple of days. She had then asked me if she could do laundry at my house during her move. If were not together, why wouldn’t she just go to a laundry mat instead of hanging out with me while doing laundry? I feel like iam getting mixed signals.

    Regardless, I’ve decided to be in her life as little or as much as she wants. But I cant help but worry that when she gets better, I’ll be out of the picture. Has anyone felt like they were getting mixed signals? Am I looking to much into things? Has anyone had a reconciliation with a similar story?

  11. Sue says:

    I am writing this, in the hopes that I would find some answers. Any answers would help, because I can not go on like this. Near the end of 2017 I met the woman of my dreams. I didn’t know it when we first met, but I knew it soon enough. She was drawn to me almost instantly. Fast forward a couple of dates later, I found myself, falling madly in love with her. We got in a relationship, and despite how short lived that relationship was, it was my heaven on this earth. I had met her parents, and formed a beautiful relationship with her, which she adored.
    Fast forward three month later, she has become withdrawn. I noticed the change immediately, and I asked her about it, she told me that she has suffered depression all her life, and that she is going through a depressive episode, and she just needs space.
    She doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to deal it with it on her own.
    I was understanding, and I didn’t try to push. I told her I am here, and we will do this together, even if we’re not physically in the same space. Two weeks a later, I woke up to a gut wrenching text. She broke up with me. I called her, because I couldn’t believe what I had just read. She was crying, and she said in a broken voice ‘I love you, but I can’t be with you right now’.
    I felt my heart being torn out of my chest.
    But I made it my entire life’s mission to understand first what depression is, talked to a therapist, stayed in contact with her mom. I was not going to let her go.
    Eventually she grew ever darker. And every time she saw she hurt me, she became more distant.
    One time she hurt me so bad, and I told her that there’s nothing she can do that will make me give up on her. If her goal is to push me away, she is going to have to rip my heart out.
    Not long after that, she was getting worse, and worse.
    Drinking, being cold to me. So her mother advised me to take a step back. And so I did.
    And a month later when I texted to see how she’s doing, she told me she doesn’t want me to wait for her, and that she’s interested in someone. Even though she had told me, she didn’t leave me to be with another.
    It has been a year since she left me, and she seems happy in her new relationship.
    She erased every trace of me from her social media. EVERYTHING.
    And then out of the blue, I ran into her. And to my surprise, she approached me.
    I was gobsmacked. The woman I love was there, in front of me. She approached me with a smile on her face, as if nothing had happened. But all I could feel was pain. So I just said it was nice seeing you and walked away. After a couple of weeks, the guilt was tormenting me. For turning her away. So I texted her, apologizing. And to my surprise, she turned around and blocked me on social media, even though I had texted her. I didn’t send my apology via social media. And please note, that during the year we have been apart, she has been blocking, and unblocking me non stop. Without any provocation from my end.
    She even said ‘I am in a relationship, and we do not need to exchange texts’
    I was just apologizing, I wasn’t asking her to come back to me.

    I am living in complete agony. It feels like I was reading a book, and the last chapter in that book, the chapter that matters, and wraps everything up, is missing. So I don’t know how the book ends, and it’s tearing me apart.
    Did she even love me at all? Did she fake her depression?
    Is any of this normal?
    She won’t face me. She refused to see me since the day she left me.
    But I need to know if this is normal, or if I was just living a lie. Because I can not go on like this.
    Please, someone, anyone, tell me if this is normal..

    • odie says:

      Hi sue, i’m almost on the same boat as you. It was short-lived but we were madly in love, we are both in our late 30s. we share so many idiosyncrasies and synchronicities. He has told the closest people in his life how happy he is and how comfortable he is with me. Sweetest, loving, considerate man I’ve ever been with. We both expressed seeing each other in our future and how lucky we feel to find as weird as we were. He has told me before that he had some depression before and he eventually got over it after a few months.
      And then, the dark cloud came. he got sick, chronic coughing which lasted a month, he was sleep deprived and the results were taking so long. He sank into depression, feeling hopeless, telling me he is no longer a good catch. Days before he broke up with me, he texted me out of the blue that he was missing me. And then days after, he texted me has become apathetic towards me, that he see no future for us anymore. I was gutted. I felt a gallon of cold water was dumped on me. It’s been a month since the breakup. Neither of us has reached out. I don’t even know how to text him to get my things, he hasn’t texted me about it either, and he is moving out of his room for rent either july or august. We are not both into social media on personal stuff so none of us is posting pics that one is doing “great” without the other. he only posted a funny old pic he found from years and years ago, 2 weeks after the breakup, no caption either. It’s very hard not to take things personal, even if you understand depression, and I do. I was in a 4 month hole. But I wasn’t with anyone so I don’t know how to handle this. My friend did say I was emotionally indifferent, but at that time she didn’t know I was going through hell, when she called me a “b” cos I wasn’t empathizing with her during a tough time between her and her bf, I wasn’t mad, I didn’t care if she called me that. I didn’t feel anything.
      My anxiety has given me interrupted sleep for a month now. Tossing and turning if he has gotten back with an ex, or dating a new one. I don’t care actually if he is sleeping around because depression can make you do anything to distract yourself and make you “feel” something again. Did your gf move on to a new one immediately? Depressed people, as I have experienced, will feel what psychiatrists call “fantasy escape”. And since we don’t have any logic in our head, just hopelessness and despair, we think we need to be alone and do drastic things to resolve our problems. We are normally wrong about this. This is what my ex did, I was the only one who knew about his depression so all his frustrations and irritability were involuntarily directed at me. He felt an “unseen pressure” that he needed to break away from.
      But in your case, it has been a year and she doesn’t sound like she is getting any help. you might want to consider letting her go completely. Mine is taking mindful therapy with a professional. It’s hard cos supporting a depressed person will differ if you’re a family member or a partner. It’s tougher for us, we can be forgotten if we leave them alone but if we linger, they feel smothered/pressured. Be aware that depression is anger toward ourselves. Your gf, despite her actions, did not intend to hurt you. That I’m sure, if she really is clinically depressed. Her blocking/unblocking you on social media only means that she still feels for you, but seeing you reminds her of how awful she was to you.
      I wish us both good luck, as we both feel we truly have found the one.

      • Sue says:

        Let me start by saying, that I am very sorry you’re going through this well.
        It’s not easy watching the ones we love, treat us like persona-non-grata, when all that we have done is love and care for them.
        After my initial comment on here, I was driven into a little bit of madness because of the lack of answers.
        You see, my ex is a police officer, so running into her is frequent because we live in a small city in IL.
        Anyway, after this post I had noticed that she has followed me a few times. She’s never done anything or attempted to harm me in any way, but I could see her patrol car going in circles when she sees mine parked somewhere.
        So when that happened, I started reaching out to friends I know who suffer from depression.
        The answer I got this time was different.
        Considering how everything went down, how she’s been dating someone, how she runs into me, follows me, blocks me and unblocks me, I was told she possibly suffers from manic depression.
        Now since I haven’t heard of that one before, I started researching about manic depression, and manic episodes, and suddenly things started to make sense.
        I could be wrong still, but it does fit the pattern.
        The drinking, the fact that she’s in a relationship with someone already, how I feel like I got discarded. It all fits the pattern from what I have read.

        So now, and after a whole year, I got my closure.
        I have nothing in my heart but love, and respect for her.
        But now I know that I need to move on.
        She is deep in this, and she has refused to take her medication when the dark cloud hit, so I don’t see her trying to fix her life any time soon.

        I can move on though. Because at least I know she did love me.
        And I will cherish my time with her forever.
        And if she ever reaches out, I will show her nothing but understanding and forgiveness.

        She was the love of my life. And she will always be.

        Thank you again for your kind response.
        And I hope you rekindle with your partner.

        Best of luck! x

        • Anonymous says:

          Hi Sue

          Just wanted to say, you are not alone. I have gone through almost identical situation, and feel exactly the same as you do. Im finding it difficult to move on as I to feel totally discarded and have passed my expiry date, my ex went off with someone else and appears to have it all, I am no longer required. Stay strong and know others are here for you.

          • Sue says:

            Thank you! I appreciate hearing that more than you know.
            But I am very sincerely sorry you’re feeling discarded. I know how painful it is, and I don’t wish it on anyone.

            I thought about starting a blog, but I don’t know what to even talk about.

            Stay strong, and best of luck to you as well! xx

        • odie says:

          Hi again sue,
          I hope recent days are better with you. Yes, she does sound to have manic depression or bipolar disorder. Both of which she would need to commit to therapy and meds (bpd). Which is very tough. I’ve had a coworker like her, and she would go in rage or sometimes cry uncontrollably until she was forced by my boss to see a therapist for meds or be fired. She chose the former. She used to yell at me for no reason, or just using her stapler, I used to get mad and then I found out she has BPD and we became friends, she invited me to her wedding, I was the only one from work she invited.
          I’m sorry for your heartache. it’s tough, I too, sense that this guy is whom I’m meant to be.
          It’s hard because not a lot of our friends will understand why we are not angry at them. Or that we are in denial.

          I am feeling discarded too, most depressed people will at some point experience apathy.
          Like my ex, he suddenly feels nothing for anything.

          I did get to talk to him, he called after a month (cos he is moving out of his room for rent) to ask again what my apartment # was, where i want my things mailed. at first i felt a disconnect, but then he started talking, apologizing for the way he messaged me, that I didn’t deserve those language and I truly felt the pain/confusion/feeling lost, from him. He sounded so morose.

          He said he was more of a mess when we broke up and I just stayed quiet while he talked (not long). He didn’t even go to an old friend’s wedding. When I asked him if he still feels the same about us not being substantial, his answer was “yeaaahh, and no, i don’t know. i’m just a mess.” i didn’t push on telling him how he made me feel, i was afraid it would do him more harm than good. Especially when he told me he is seeing a new therapist and “i need to deal with my past”. He has gone through so much betrayal in his life. He grew up as an orphan, funny, absolutely weird cos at an orphanage I used to volunteer a lot to is where he grew up, he was left there when he was a baby and his adopted parents returned him back to the orphanage when he was 9yo. His father figure has told me that he has dealt with so much pain and it took him decades to accept his friendship. And the past 5yrs, a lot of failed relationships, 1 even stole 3k from him, another pretended to be an ex bf and started emailing him to get him to be jealous.
          The only thing I responded to was when he said “i didn’t mean to make you feel like a POS, cos you aren’t, I am” and i said, yes i felt like a POS but even any emotionally strong person would feel hurt. but it did not diminish the fact that I still love him and my concern for your health hasn’t wavered. I told him that though i know he feels nothing, i wanted to say that I still love him. and that he was never a burden, he said he feels he is.
          2 days after that, I texted him and offer to help if he needs it when he moves. We had a funny exchange, he was texting me happy emojis. I felt that it was good for us to know that we don’t hate each other. But he did cancel on meeting up that week cos he still has to pack. I know our exchange also lifted this gray cloud he was feeling that I hate him. he said i’ve been the most patient and loving during his episode. he has told me before of his abandonment issues.
          Sorry for the long story.
          When you and ex just broke up, did you get to talk to her to answer your questions on “why” how things came to be? I’m on a limbo right now. He never did tell me why he suddenly felt us as insubstantial, and I’ve been beating myself up over it (I’m barren and been feeling insecure about it since the breakup). Should I send him a letter, telling him how i felt (not in a argumentative way) and “why”? I’m scared that my letter might make him spiral down as he has when he broke up with me. I know I am a very patient person, and I know I can wait for him to feel better, but I just don’t know what to do now.

          Thank you again
          Be well

          • Sue says:

            Hello again,

            I wish I could say that I have seen better days, but I haven’t.
            If anything whenever I make some sort of minuscule progress, I see her following me, or I just run into her, and I am right back where I started.

            Anyway, to answer your question, I haven’t. She wouldn’t face me after the break up.
            She refused to meet me, to get her house key back, or give me my stuff back. She just always said that she was busy, and has no time for that.
            Yes, apathy seems to be common with those who suffer depression. And it seems as though that’s what she feels when it comes to me. Apathy is the exact opposite of love. And I don’t know what have I done, or what have you done to deserve such a major change in feelings.

            She never gave me an answer, she never faced me. She ripped my heart out and ran away.
            It feel as thought I was reading a book, and she ripped the final chapter out. So now I am stuck. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or what to think.

            I did send her a letter, I wanted some sort of reaction, but I don’t think it helped.
            My letter was not to ask her why. I saw she started dating someone else, and erased me, so I sent her her gifts and everything back. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but then again, I was in so much pain, I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to see if doing so would get some sort of reaction. And it did.
            She blocked me on social media. Despite all that, she still sent me a happy birthday text.
            Every now and again, she still blocks and unblocks me on social media.

            I just don’t know what to think anymore, and I am so tired from all the emotional pain I live in.

            In fact, I am so exhausted that I have decided that I need to leave the US and seek life elsewhere. Perhaps because if I leave then I know the door will be closed forever, and there will be no hope.
            Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can trick you into all sorts of hilariously unrealistic scenarios , and I feel like that is the last thing I need.

            I loved her… I still do and now I am beyond broken.

            I just don’t know what to do anymore.
            And I know you know exactly what you mean. You feel my pain, and I feel yours.

            Best Regards. x

        • odie says:

          Sorry 🙁
          I forgot to say that he say that it has been so unfair to me that he has become so apathetic and just lost.

    • June says:

      I had been in a long distance relationship with a man in his 40s for eight months. He told me when we met he had PTSD in the past after his military career and had sought the help he needed. When we met, we instantly hit it off. Even though the relationship was long distance, we saw each other twice a month for days at a time. He was the first to say I love you, first to talk about having children and first to speak about moving together somewhere. Everything was amazing, we never fought. There were times where I would tell him that we could break up anytime and he always told me we would not break up. Sometimes even saying “You are mine forever, i love you and only want you.” About seven months in he started being negative, not towards me, and said he was depressed and at times told me he did not want to speak to anyone. He had just lost a friend also. The weekend prior to the break up I went to visit him. When he picked me up from the airport he told me he was depressed and I told him that I knew that and that I was there for him when he needed. Everything was amazing after that, we talked about our future, how we would raise our child and I even met his mother. He would even hug me and tell me “I love you, you make me so happy.” He was very affectionate. I left and he text me throughout my travel how much he loved me. The next day he was going to see his father in a different state and when we spoke everything was normal. He would send me pictures of things he was doing and say “I love you.” One of the pictures had a location in which it indicated he was not with his father but in a completely different state. I asked him to call me and I confronted him about his lie. He told me and he had to go and deal with his friends death and he had a lot on his mind. He said he was with his cousin and was going to deal with the death and go home. I told him that I would have understood better had he been honest with me up front. The call ended and he didn’t reach out again until I text him that night saying “you don’t even care” and he replied “I love you goodnight.” The fight afterwards was about three text messages long and into the next day when he he upruptly and very coldly said “we should go our separate ways now, I am not happy anymore, I knew this wasn’t going to work, I don’t want to do this anymore.” I called him once and he didn’t answer. He text me “I don’t want to talk to you, I am better by myself.” I wanted an answer for as to why the breakup out of nowhere and he stated he was not the right person for me and that we would be okay not to take it hard or the wrong way that we need to let go now and move on with our lives. I text him back telling him I love you and that I just want his happiness. He then replied with “I wasn’t meant to be with anyone I am too messed up and won’t ever commit to anyone, I am sorry for hurting you, I am going away now goodbye.” I did not text back and I have not heard from him since. It’s been about four days. I am confused as how someone just two days prior was the most amazing person and showed me a lot of love and two days later after a fight (first one) says goodbye. I love him and I am hurting. He is the type of person who is quick to delete phone numbers from his phone so I am very certain he will not reach out. I am attempting NC and reach out at 30 days but I am afraid. I believe it is his mental health but I am not certain as he is the only one that knows. I was blind sighted and I am heart broken.

      • JLB says:

        Hi June,

        I have recently had a similar situation with someone who I was seeing for a short period of time. His last text message to me was four days ago and it was him basically saying to stop calling and stop texting, that we didn’t work out and it’s not a big deal, but 2 days before he was telling me how much he cared about me.

        I’m curious what happened with you?

        • Kris says:

          Hey JLB,

          I have a very similar experience. I was seening someone for a couple of months, things were amazing for the first 2 months, then just last weekend out of nowhere he called it quits. It was weird, because I was currently at his place when he decided to text me after work, on his way home. The weird part was when he arrived home, he pretended like the text conversation didn’t happen, and attempted to carry on with our weekend. Obviously, I decided to confront him, because we talked about our future and weekend plans just the prior day. He even mentioned how much he loved me 2 days before the break up.

          He had back surgery in January, which took him out of the routine of working and the gym. This caused him to go into depression, and also relaspe on Opiods, after being 4 years clean. Needless to say, we made it through the relaspe but he told me, he’s not in his right frame of mind mentally, and has been pushing through a couple of weeks ago.

          I knew he was suffering with depression, and we talked about things getting better, once the pandemic is over. But, obviously were still experiencing economic hardship, and the hope for him is gone. I seen glimpses of his prior self return but the drinking and smoking heavily just never really cease.

          I attempted to reach out less then 24 hours after it happens, but his reply was that he no good for me, our relationship is no good, and to leave him alone because he better off by himself. He didn’t block me on social media. But it been a couple of days and i decided to go with radio silence, because there’s nothing that you can say to a depressed person who’s not happy right now.

          Still practicing radio silence, and maybe one day he will explain to me, because our relationship was built on solid foundation. I do know you have to let the person come to you, and not chase them down asking for an explanation.

  12. Shane says:

    HI. I have read and understand a lot of the above posts and stories. I am a 42 year old man that suffers with depression and sometimes heavy manic episodes inciting suicidemail attempts. I have been separated from my wife for the last 8 months and have two children under 12. I have been in this relationship for over 10 years. For the last couple of years if not longer I have been struggling with mental illness and the unrealistic world it creates in your head and the actions and repercussions of my hurtful actions on my wife and family. Everything has been a total disaster for all involved and has flipped our world’s upside down. My wife is very caring and supportive but my choices and behaviours broke her and therefore we live alone and try to parent our children the best we can. I am starting to accept the depression and own the hurt I created in order to move forward otherwise I will fall back into total destruction. The hardest thing is acknowledging that this all has happened and it is the life I live now. My wife and I would love for things to be different but you cannot deny the hurt that she has suffered and the choices needed to be made to make sacrifices for children and individuals. The grief that is involved and feeling the loss of a best friend are beyond words and belief when you live it each day. The biggest decision is the internal fight within to help deal with depression and the behavioural habits formed out of deceit, hiding, anger and mental instability. I long for my wife and family but longing for them will not get me right or provide the answer. We both have to look after ourselves separately and start to heal over time. Our relationship will always be different now and in that creates sadness but it’s part of the acknowledgement that an individual life matters and you yourself are worth the fight. Dealing with depression felt like I was in a hurry to ruin my life when now the answer for me is to slow it all down to make my life better. Depression and suicide are very real and sadly common but through reconnecting back with yourself and identifying that it is a sickness in your head and that head needs some healing and in time your love for yourself will heal to…you cannot find a way to love another until you can do this but each step is a way forward when you believe in yourself. Find and communicate with support people that are important to you getting better. Communicate with your partner without emotion and show care and compassion for a common cause like children. Your life will be different but having them in your life is better than not unless it remains unhealthy. Take care

  13. S says:

    These articles have helped me so much. They helped me understand depression and all it does. My girlfriend of almost 1 1/2 years left me at the beginning of this month. I’m really struggling to deal with this.. I knew she dealt with depression for awhile and we had gotten through a period of it before, but this time it is much worse. She started to go downhill in August. She became very emotionless. She was never quite the one to talk about her feelings in depth but it was starting to get even worse, I never knew what she was really feeling, I just got little bits of it from her. As time went on she isolated herself more from her family, friends and I. She explained she was unsatisfied with herself since she had been unemployed and not doing too much, it seems her anxiety held her back from that which then made the depression worse. Despite going downhill there would be days where she would be herself and be very caring to me, and almost I was extremely confused. Fast forward to December, I ask her what’s happening between us and she’s told me she’s frustrated with herself because she can’t give me the love I deserve. As she said it: “I can’t give you what you need when I can’t even take care of myself right now” she seemed to be feeling very guilty and hurt about it. At this point she got even lower, she wasn’t able to sleep at night, which turned into napping away her days, not doing anything, isolated to her room. We hung out then and she was at moments herself, and other times a person I didn’t know. After a few more talks we decided to part. At first she was very unclear and despite saying we should be apart, still wanted to see me, talk to me and support eachother, I think she was confused with what she wanted. At the time I was in denial and very confused so I kept pestering and in the end it drove her away more. She wants to remain friends and I know there’s no guarantee for us in the future but I hold on to hope.. that maybe one day we can try again with a new relationship. Even till the very end she managed to be caring towards me. She said maybe we could get through this but for now she needs to improve herself alone. She told me she would help herself, but ultimately that is up to her to actually do. I contact her the odd time to check in but some days are extremely painful, like today. It is really damn hard to let go…but with this time I’ve been trying to focus on myself. Reading everyone’s stories here helps so much, we are not alone!

    • Emma says:

      Hi S,

      This sounds so similar to what I’ve been through with my ex. Do you mind me asking how things turned out?

      We were together for about the same amount of time. The breakup came completely out of the blue from my perspective, but looking back it’s clear that he had been in a dark place for a while. I was aware that he was feeling anxious what with being out of work due to the pandemic and having to move back home with his parents, but I hadn’t realised the extent of his struggle. To me, this was a temporary situation and at least we had each other! We were planning to move in together this year – I was going to sell my place (which is too small for us both) and buy us a house and he was going to pitch in when work picked up again. He had even talked about getting engaged this year… so there was light at the end of the tunnel!

      In November, he came around and he was a broken man. He said that he couldn’t be with me anymore, he knew that it was selfish but he just couldn’t be in a relationship as he wasn’t himself – he had been feeling so anxious and he couldn’t give me what I need emotionally. He needed to end it and he was so sorry. He was crying and kept apologising and I was so confused – he had messaged me the night before and had said that he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me the following day. Everything that he was saying suggested that he needed a break to focus on his mental health, but when I asked “do you want to end things permanently?” he said yes. I asked did he not love me anymore and he said “it’s not that… I just can’t be with you”. He left and I was so shell shocked. I messaged him an hour or two later and he said that I’m the best person that he knows and that he was so sorry for letting me down. I told him that he hadn’t let me down and that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself etc… I said that I was certain that we would be back together once the storm had passed. The next day I messaged him and said that I missed him and he said that he was a mess thinking about me and that he hoped that I knew that he did want to be with me, everything else was just so difficult . A few days later he messaged me and said that he was thinking about me all the time and that he had been to the GP and had been put on antidepressants and had been referred to speak to someone that day. He was determined to get back to track, he missed me so much that it actually hurt and he asked me to please bare with him. I was so relieved! I was happy to wait for him to come back, safe in the knowledge that he was doing all he could to get better. That was 2.5 months ago.

      I tried giving him a little space, messaging him every few days. I told him that I loved him mid-December and he said he loved me back but “couldn’t find a better way at the moment”. Shortly after that he stopped replying to my messages. Then on 21st December he said that we should leave the communication because he just couldn’t do it “at the moment” and that we needed to “properly leave it”. I didn’t know what that meant – it’s open to interpretation. Did he mean properly leave the communication or leave us, our relationship i.e. it’s over?! I didn’t message him again until early January… He started leaving me unread, which broke my heart. He was the most loving, attentive boyfriend. I tried calling him and he didn’t answer. He messaged me and said that he was sorry for leaving me unread, he just couldn’t talk “at the moment”. This week (early Feb) I’ve messaged him a few times and again been left unread. Last night I messaged him telling him that I love him and, again, he apologised for not responding and said that he can’t talk “at the moment”.

      In his messages he used the term “at the moment” a lot, which suggests that this is temporary but his actions suggest that he’s DONE. I keep reminding myself that this breakup isn’t about me, but it’s difficult not to take it personally. I just want him back, I love him so much!

      • S says:

        I don’t mind at all! As of now, I haven’t talked to her since August. Honestly I’d say at this point I’m over it. I still love her a lot but with the lack of effort on her part I’ve realized now that I deserve better. It’s hard because some days you think back and yearn for what once was but waiting around for someone that isn’t showing up hurts much, much more.

        Between now and the time I made that comment, we didn’t talk extremely often. I would message her sometimes to see how she was doing and at first she came off pretty cold and pushed me away, which really put me off of trying to talk to her. After some time we had some decent conversations though and things seemed to be better but it never really fully went anywhere. Mostly just me messaging her on her birthday or something like that. She never tried to reach out to me. I suggested trying to be in contact again when I last texted her and she seemed happy about that, agreed to it, told me she had missed me and stuff but again it never really went anywhere. I expected that maybe she would now talk to me or just try at all, but nothing. So at this point it’s like a switch flipped and I’m totally done to say the least.

        I really do empathize with you because it’s an absolutely painful thing. The pushing away and silence was almost unbearable, leaves you feeling really confused. I can relate with the vague wording your ex was using there with the “properly leave it” sort of thing because my ex talked like that as well, it was never a definite answer as to what we were at the time… just a lot of mystery. A lot of putting it off and avoiding me.

        For now I’d say just to leave him be and see what happens. Perhaps some longer time left alone he might come around? I mean like a month or two of silence, let him be and take that time to take care of yourself. It’s very easy to neglect your mental health going through all this, I know I did. I know it hurts a lot, and above all you just want it all back, but there’s only so much you can do when someone is actively pushing away. I drove myself nuts keeping tabs on my ex for so long, wishing and hoping while I got absolutely nothing from her. At a certain point you kind of have to move on and heal yourself, if they’re not willing to show up or do anything to have the relationship back.

        I totally understand taking it personally too because it feels like “what did I do wrong? Why are they the total opposite of what they were?” But I really do wish all the best for you! And this is nothing you did, he’s dealing with something that he himself has to overcome. When they push away like that they’re really not able to be there for you, as much as that hurts. You aren’t alone though, if you need to talk I’m here! 🙂

        • Emma says:

          Hi S,

          Thanks for responding! Wow, so you still love her two years on even though you’ve given up all hope of reconciling? That’s the really awful thing about not getting closure – you always wonder and it’s so difficult to fully heal.

          I’m on such a rollercoaster of emotions from one day to the next at the minute. I compare and contrast all the different scenarios that I’ve read about and try and rationalise what’s happening with us, but depression isn’t rational! I read last night that a depressed person trying to communicate is like a drunk person trying to communicate – a conversation with a drunk person is a drunken conversation, and a conversation with a depressed person is a depressed conversation – both are incoherent. When I read that and reflected on all of the “I can’t talk at the moment”s that he’s given me along with the initial assurance that he was seeking help (talk therapy and meds) and “I’m determined to get myself back on the right track, please bear with me… I love you” etc., I thought hmm, MAYBE he really does need to focus entirely on himself until he is in a well enough state to have a coherent conversation. This thought process has really calmed me, but I do wonder sometimes if I’m being really naive – the guy has basically ghosted me. That just doesn’t make sense to me as we were just so loved up and best friends until things got so bleak for him.

          I believe that it’s situational depression triggered by the ending of his professional sporting career due to injury. It’s very common for pro athletes to struggle with identity crisis, anxiety and subsequent depression when their careers are brought to a halt and they’re left wondering what the hell they’re going to do with the rest of their lives. Covid hasn’t helped. I am hoping that once his personal circumstances take a turn for the better, he will be able to see the wood for the trees again and will reach out.

          I am aware that at some point, I may need to draw a line in the sand and just focus on myself. I don’t feel ready to give up just yet – like the last 2.5 months have been hell and it’s felt like an eternity, but on the other hand what’s 2.5 months in the grand scheme of things when you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Aaahhhh it just sucks! I was going to send him a card for his birthday next weekend and then give him a few weeks of silence. I don’t think that I can manage a few months!

          Hope you’re doing ok! Thanks again, it’s so good to talk 🙂

        • Emma says:

          Sorry, I forgot to ask – do you know if your ex sought help for her depression or did she go it alone?

          • S says:

            No problem!

            Yeah, I know it sounds silly lol it’s sort of like ..if she was to ever come back and be serious about trying again, I’d take her but it’s not a kind of love that’s held me back, you know? I’ve put myself out there since so it’s all good haha. But yes the lack of closure is something truly difficult, makes the moving on process a lot harder I found.

            That’s really interesting! Definitely makes sense, it’s really not the same person you’re talking to when they’re depressed.
            you could be right though, he could just turn around once the situational stuff ends, it sounds like there’s more hope in your situation considering some of the things he had said. If it’s worth it to you, keep on and see where it goes.

            My ex as far as I know never went for help from a professional or anything, she was in a sort of difficult situation where it wouldn’t be very easy for her to do it. I think she was too anxiety ridden to do it as well but I’m not totally sure. I do know that she tried things herself to get better, tried taking care of herself better, eating better, working out.. etc. So yeah she basically went it alone.

            I understand! it was hard at first for me to keep silent too, but the space can be good. That sounds fine though, the few weeks is a good start.

            I’m doing much better these days thankfully, I hope you’re okay too, going through it is like you said, a rollercoaster of emotions. I hope things turn around for you, and I’m glad I can help 🙂 let me know if anything comes up with him

  14. Ambular says:

    I’m trying to figure out if this is due to his depression.
    We were fighting a lot, mostly because I feel like I wasn’t getting attention from him. He would go a day without talking to me, saying he was sad, and that he was depressed. He recently broke up with me, saying we fought too much, and he needed to find a way to make himself happy. He then would tell me he missed me and is afraid he will be alone forever, but thinks we tried already, and doesn’t see how it will work.
    One day he says he loves me, then isn’t inlove with me, but loves the person I am. I’m just so all over the place and want to be there for him.

  15. kelly says:

    My boyfriend of around 7 months was going through a really hard time in his personal life, and I was his only caretaker throughout most of it. Eventually, he started to get more and more depressed, to the point where I thought he was in a psychosis. He became paranoid, would not engage physically with me, and acted like a robot. He refused all my attempts to help him, and pushed me away. He would call me and tell me I should leave him (although he then would clarify that that was not what he wanted) and barely text me back. Eventually, I asked to just be friends with him due to the emotional toll being in a relationship was taking on both of us. I did this while letting him know that I loved him and wanted to be together in the future when he was ready.

    My boyfriend did not take kindly to this, even though he had essentially been telling me he couldn’t be a good partner to me for weeks. He stopped texting and answering my calls altogether, under the premise that it was too hard to talk about because he loved me so much. About two or three days later, he decided to take himself to the hospital. I asked to go with him and he refused. Regardless, he let me come over before he left for “closure”. During the conversation he said that his feelings had changed for me and that we fought too much during the relationship and that he no longer loved me. To clarify, towards the end we were fighting. But I was still by his side through it all doing everything I could to help him get through it. Anyway, he said he used to be able to see a future with me but could not anymore and did not see himself loving me again. He said that I don’t make him happy because nothing makes him happy. He said he no longer cared about making me happy, or sleeping with me, or anything.

    I left his house and he immediately started texting me like we were friends before he was admitted to the hospital. He recently tried to contact me (he has been out of the hospital for about a week) again by saying even though we aren’t compatible enough to be in a relationship, he still thinks about me and cares about me and can’t let that go. He got mad at me when I said that if he is happiest being apart, then I could not be in his life anymore. He blamed me for my decision to cut off communication, saying that he did not want it to end like this (even though he ended it and told me he did not love me anymore). I guess I’m just extremely confused and hurt, and don’t know what to believe. I do love him and would consider going back to the relationship. I was just wondering if anyone had any insight? Thanks!

    • Kate says:


      This is my exact situation. Minus my boyfriend (now ex) admitting himself. We have been together for 2.5 years. We lived together. He already had depression but when he began working in the ER as a nurse, the depression worsened. He became noticably withdrawn from me. He tried switching medicines and still does to this day to get some relief and try to be stable. He has a binge drinking problem where once a week he drinks to access and gets sloppy, violent and rude. I would tend to leave and go to my parents during this time. He would fully black out and have no recollection as to why I wasnt in our apartment in our bed the next morning. I would return the following day and he felt so guilty. I never rubbed it in his face. I went on week after week pretending it wasn’t happening. About 3 months ago he called his mom and said” Ive got to stop behaving like this or I will lose her (me).” He decided he would book us a trip to Mexico for our first vacation. A week later he called his mom and she invited herself on our romantic trip and he accepted. I was so hurt and mad but I kept it in. When I found out she would be rooming with us at our couples resort, I spoke up and told him it was a boundary being crossed. He didnt like that. He said I should be grateful he was paying for me. Which I was, but the purpose was to allow us time to rekindle our love. I ended up telling his mother how I felt but they both ignored my feelings about it and she roomed with us. I felt like the 3rd wheel. It was horrible. There was so much fighting between us, i fell and got injured, food poisoning and had an infection. He was not supportive at all. He picked fights the whole time. The day after we got back he broke up with me and asked me to move out. I told him he would regret it because this request came while he was binge drinking and he said terrible horrible things to me. I packed up all my stuff and moved and a day later he asked me to move back in and said he made a mistake. Things didnt feel right since. I felt withdrawn. I felt like an unmade choice just waiting for him to end it again. He said I deserved better than him and that I should move on to find a man who can love me like I love him. He said he wasn’t sure if he could ever give that to me. I told him he does show me love and it was his personal life and depression taking over his mind. I asked if I had changed at all and he said no. He said it just wasnt going to work. He said he still wanted to give it a final shot. The very next day he treated me like garbage, screaming at me for no reason while washing his clothes, slammed my car doors, swearing at me, being unappreciative and cold. I was crying by the time we pulled up to our apartment and he said the choice was mine to leave for good or not. I began packing hurriedly and he said if i wanted to quit it was my fault. I told him he wasn’t trying and he said he didnt think he could or would be able to. While putting my stuff in the car i ran back inside and made a last ditch effort to try to talk sense that it was his depression that made him behave this way. He said he had been feeling this way about me for 8 months. I asked him if anything in life made him happy and he said no. It hurts sooooo much. Because i know he is in there somewhere but i cant reach him. It hurts worse though to be so disposable. This is our 2nd breakup but i feel like it is the final one. I need to learn to be comfortable with it. Although it is soooo painful to watch the love of my life suffer and have him make me suffer.:( ill be praying for you Kelly. Keep in touch.

  16. Sam says:

    My boyfriend of nearly 2 years has been severally depressed for almost a year. He gets angry and looses his temper at me over small things very often. He would scream, hit things, run away from me, and make me sob for little things like a discussion about starbucks. Then he would cry and give me the most sincere apology and ask for my forgivness and said he wont let this happen again. He’s done this 4 times already. I’ve been asking him to get help, and I try to get him to talk about it, but he only does when he’s black out drunk sobbing all night and he is strongly against telling anyone or doing anything along the lines of treatment. Then I had a family emergency with a lot of things going on already, and instead of being there for me he yelled at me, insulted my family, grabbed me, started sobbing asking me not to break up with him, and insisted he come with me when I met my family during our crisis. I sent him an email and told him that he needs to give me a plan and fight for me or we’re done. He agreed and told his parents and has been talking to them about it, they’ll see if he needs counseling, he’s started working out, he says he’ll fight for us, loves me so much and will try earning my trust back. I just dont know what to do. I have been so forgiving and patient for so long and I have sever depression and anxiety issues myself. I understand how tricky it can be and how lenient I have to be, but his health has been negatively impacting my own. I know I love him very much and I want a future with him, but I dont know how much more I can take. Now he’s finally doing something about it. I just dont know if I can forgive him for what he has done and if I should stay with him while he gets help or we should be on a break.

  17. Julia says:

    Hi, I was recently dumped by my partner of 2 years. I’ve been supporting him as much as I can with his depression over the last year. I have c-ptsd and have also suffered from clinical depression in the past. I know what it’s like to struggle with your mental health but I still can’t understand what’s happened.

    It all changed when he got put on new medication. He’d been on other medication before but when he started these new ones he changed straight away. He would lose his temper over the smallest things and started finding fault with everything I said and did. I felt like his emotional punching bag. His mood got lower and lower and he turned into a shadow of his former self. He began to distance himself from me until it reached the point that he wouldn’t speak to me at all. He literally would ignore me to my face the times I came round to see him. I confronted him one day (I had tried before but more gently) and things came to a head. He said how sorry he was and told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted us to be together. Everything was fine, for a day or two. The longer he stayed on the pills the worse he got. He became paranoid, started to accuse me of cheating on him. Then he stopped talking to me again. He wouldn’t pick up the phone when I rang, ignored my messages.

    We don’t live together but before all this took hold we had been making plans to move in together soon. We were talking about marriage and children. I felt devastated when he ignored me but tried to not take it personally. I texted him every so often to let him know I still loved him and I was thinking of him and was there if he ever wanted to talk.

    After this had been going on for a while and I had still had no contact from him whatsoever, I sent him an email saying that I understood he was going through a hard time and that I would give him space if that was what he needed but to please tell me what’s going on because this was not fair on me. He sent back, “We are over”. And that was the last I heard from him. I’ve seen on Facebook that he still speaks to other people. He is posting nearly every day on Facebook, he rarely used it before. I think his paranoia has convinced him that I definitely cheated and this is him punishing me. I don’t know why else he would do any of this. I love him.

    • Maria says:

      Hi there, I know that your post was a year ago but I am currently going through the same thing. Just wanted to ask how it turned out? Did you reconcile?
      I’m struggling with my partner who just last weekend was planning our future together to 4 days ago saying it’s over. Saying his depression only comes when he’s depressed. 🙁

  18. Sonia says:

    My boyfriend and I started going out at the end of last year and although I thought he was a little pushy, became caught up in his several comments about wanting a family and house together. He even bought home items and asked me if I would approve them in this apparent home, and has shed tears over being happy with me. We’re both in our mid thirties so we both knew that the timing for us was great. About two months ago he suddenly ended it for no reason then wanted me back a few days later. He said that he wasn’t sure of all the emotions he was going through as what he had with me he hadn’t had with anyone else. When he asked me back he had blunted emotion and seemed tired but also said that he would never put me through this again. As an otherwise strong and independent woman I thought I would do my very best to try and better understand his insecurity in that he is not so independent as he is financially supported by a friend and works in a job he hates that doesn’t activate his mind. It took a little time for me to rebuild on trust as he had told me that he broke up with his ex several months after he had emotionally checked out of the relationship and I was cautious that a seed was planted and that he would do the same with me. Another two months passed and he started to distance himself again. When I asked what was wrong he said that his life was sh#t. I offered to be there for him. Mind you this was a conversation over the phone that lasted nearly an hour where he was mostly silent. When we caught up later that evening he squeezed my hand and told me he still wanted everything we spoke about for our future. But he wasn’t in the room, he seemed detached. He then softly said almost to himself that he didn’t think he could be in a relationship. When I asked if he wanted to break up he took about ten seconds to softly whisper yes. I was devastated and thought he would at least explain his reason. A month has now passed and I haven’t heard from him. I am told that his behaviours indicate depression which I am very sympathetic to but wish that he would respect my feelings and at least tell me that, or something, as to this day I have still not been told the reason for the breakup. If the relationship wasn’t so intense so quickly I would have just brushed this off but feel I deserve an explanation. I miss him and am there for him but he has also done this to me twice that has left me confused on why he pursued me so hard in the first place. There was no real indication of unhappiness from him and I now believe he kept it all within while we were otherwise enjoying our time together. I’ve left him be to sort himself out but would find it a real shame if he didn’t reach out to me again. Am not sure what to make of it if it is depression.

    • Karen says:

      Hi Sonia,

      I recently have had the very same experience with my husband of 11 years. He is now home (in England) as I have sold my house in the U.S. to get ready to move to England to fulfill our dream. All of this came as quite a shock to me, and it has over taken me as a strong independent woman as well. We too have had silent conversations and today it has ended with him not being able to get better with me hanging over him. He feels guilty that his working through this may take a long time and he cannot expect me to continue to wait for him.
      My husband too was quite attached right from the beginning and we spent countless times loving and laughing. He acknowledges the love and happy times but cannot find the love no matter how hard he tries.
      I do hope that things work out for you. Patience will be needed and assurance of better times ahead.

  19. Danny says:

    Absolutely devastated. My girlfriend of 5 months has ended our relationship. I never saw it coming. For 5 months she would tell me how much she loved me, how much we were soulmates, how she has had a closer relationship with me in a short time than the 28 years she was married to her ex-husband. She is going through a terrible divorce, there’s a lot of $$$ money involved – multi-millions of dollars. Her kids are dysfunctional. She was emotionally and physically abused during the marriage as were the children. Her ex cheated on her several times, took drugs, was an alcoholic and substance abuser. She kicked him out twice and still took him back and then finally kicked him out a third time. She revealed to me she had attempted suicide several years ago. I never saw all the little signs while we were together as I have never been exposed to someone with mental illness. She lives on a cocktail of anti-depressants, codeine for consistent and persistent migraines, and Valium for anxiety and stress. She goes weekly for counselling. There were lots of other small signals of mental health but I did not realize at the time as I thought they were just part of her lifestyle – excessive shopping, untidy house, inability to make decisions, sleeping in until all hours of the day and so much more. We then went O/S for a 3 week vacation. 3 days in she was suffering from migraines and while I was out shopping she sends me an SMS to say she’s booked a ticket home – no discussion, no apology. She then gets on the blame and I am in total shock and disbelief. When she arrives home I sent her a text to find out what has happened and I thought we were honest with one another and why she disappeared. She gets made because I did not text her while she was in transit to find out how she was. Upon my return she tells me she’s in a dark place and while she loves me, does not think she can be in the relationship. – I’m left hi and dry and devastated, crushed, abandoned, and cast aside. She tells me it’s not me it’s her and she’s in a dark place. She says love was not enough to keep her marriage together and o why would love be enough to keep us together – I am so lost, I don’t understand how she could just cast me out and aside. It’s hard to not take it personally – I don’t think I will ever hear from her again – I am an emotional wreck and just cannot comprehend how she could claim to love me so much one day, and then be gone the next – HELP! Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Do I contact her or just leave her now?

    • Julia says:


      I read your comment and feel for you deeply. I myself am dealing with a depressed ex partner and things feel absolutely unbearable most of the time. I know that the question ‘why’ is tearing you apart right now. I know it won’t fix your pain but I wanted to share that you are not alone in your fear, abandonment and pain.

      All the very best to you,

  20. Suzanne says:

    So my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me last night. We hadn’t seen each other for two months because he said he needed some time to sort his head out.

    It’s a long story and I won’t go into all of it but he lost his libido entirely almost 2 years ago. I also caught him in a lot of lies. I have been trying to fix this relationship but he was getting withdrawn and being very difficult to be with. I encouraged him to seek some counselling.

    Last night he said that his counsellor has advised him to go on sick leave from work or he is heading for a breakdown and he warned him of isolating himself and pushing people away. He has also advised him to get medical help for depression. My ex is very reluctant to do that as he says he will feel like a failure.

    We talked for a couple of hours about things and he admitted that he was pushing people away and getting more isolated (he hardly sees his kids and doesn’t really have any friends). I told him that if he asked, I would stick with him through this and help him in any way I could. He said “I have to do this myself, nobody else can do it for me”. I said that just because he has to do it himself doesn’t mean that he has to do it alone, they aren’t the same thing. He agreed. But when it came down to it, he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

    When I left, I sent him a message saying that I would go back if there was any part of him that wanted me to but he just ignored it.

    I’m utterly devastated. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much and I want to get us back, I know it will be different but what can I do?

  21. kelsey says:

    My boyfriend recently broke up with me because he “needs time alone to figure things out”. I had known about his struggles with depression in the past and i knew he would have bouts of it here and there but they way he had been talking recently i did not see this break up coming. just a few days before he ended things he had calculated how much money we each needed to save per month in order to move out of state together. we had talked about marriage and a family and he kept telling me how happy he was with me. So when he said he no longer felt ready to be in a relationship i asked him why he said all of those things and his response was “he felt like he was suppose to say” them. I don’t believe he didn’t mean anything he said thought because when he would say it i could see it in his eyes he truly loved me. Im just confused about what to believe. He had broken up with me in the beginning of our relationship and after a month apart he called me crying and wanted to get back together and said he missed me so much. Is this going to keep happening? I want him in my life for better or worse, but he’s adamant about doing this alone.

  22. Amanda says:

    …these life stories are mirrors of mine. Greatest guy I’ve ever met, really got my attention, said we would be married, discussed house plans, the whole deal. Within 24 hours, I was totally igmored, he asked for ‘time’ to figure things out. Until I deeply researched depression in mid age men (he’s 55), I didn’t understand. I got angry with him not telling me why he needed this time. He then absolutely shut himself away from me. Didn’t respond for 4 days. I tried everything. Recently, he replied to my texts, and told me he was praying ….
    I’ve read and read similar stories and fear I will never have him – the guy I met- back. I’m willing to help in any way, to stay with him and have his back….I just cant seem to get this through to him – I understand as best I can…and just send an encouraging text to him. So sad for so many people to deal with this.

  23. Annie says:

    I’m sorry this is long, I’m trying to keep it short but not missing out any important details so thanks to anyone who makes it to the end, it’s much appreciated.

    I’m completely devestated and heartbroken. My boyfriend and I (both 26) had been together 3 years. He knew about my mental health problems, anxiety and depression almost right away and said he wasn’t going anywhere. He had my back the whole time and would have took a bullet for me. I think I just pushed him too far.

    We were long distance the entire time as we met whilst working abroad (although only apart by about 2 hours total by plane). We would see each other for a week or 2 every 4-5 weeks usually at the start, but as life got in the way sometimes it was every 2 or 3 months. Whilst this was hard, it was never a deal breaker – we had plans of him moving to me, marriage, kids, the lot.

    4 weeks ago he told me he didn’t think he can do it anymore. He loves me but he’s not in love with me, he’s completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. Up until that point I had been in denial about how bad my depression had been for the last 15 months- 2 years. I just didnt see it at the time. At the worst I was suicidal and self harming, but didn’t tell him this at the time as I didn’t want him to be dragged down with me.

    We hadn’t seen each other in 6 months at the time he mentioned breaking up. He had been asking and asking but I kept refusing, I was pushing him away because I was so deep in depression I felt worthless and like I was nothing but a burden to him. I didn’t even communicate any of this to him or how I was feeling as I couldn’t find the words then I just got worse and worse.

    So for all those months he was trying to get through to me, he had his suspicions I was slipping into depression but also thought that I just didnt love him anymore and didn’t want to be with him. It absolutely broke him. He feels like a failure for not being able to save me, even though I explained that only I could save myself.

    4 weeks ago when he mentioned breaking up, nothing really came of it. We still spoke daily but it wasn’t the same, I was the one initiating all the contact and I could tell he was distant. I asked if he wanted to end things then and there but he said no because he was still conflicted and trying to figure things out. In hindsight I should have gave him space then to figure stuff out before the break up.

    That’s what brought me out of my depression. The thought that I was losing my boyfriend.

    I made it clear where I stood. I apologised profusely, explained how the depression just took over me. I was so sorry for the way I had treated him and been with him. I tried to explain that I’m still me, the me he fell in love with is still there, it’s just that depression takes over and it’s like someone else is controlling you. I was drowning and didn’t know how to get out or ask for help.

    6 days ago I phoned him as I couldn’t handle being in limbo anymore. We were on the phone for 14 hours. Talking everything though. He was devestated, He was angry, he shouted, he blamed me, he was sorry, he cried, we both cried.
    He tried his best to understand how depression and anxiety can affect a person, but he still doesn’t quite get it. I said and did some horrible things whilst at the worst of my depression, but it wasn’t me. I am not the horrible person that my depression turned me into. I know these things still hurt him and I will never get over that guilt.

    He says he didn’t want this, he wanted everything we spoke about, marriage kids etc, but he’s just so drained that he feels he doesn’t even know who he is anymore. I think my depression seriously affected him, which I feel so unbelievably guilty for. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of this.

    We both cried on the phone and said how much we love each other. He cried because he didn’t know if he was doing the wrong thing by ending it. I told him he has to do what he feels he has to do and I’ll always be there for him if he ever needs me and he said the same to me. We haven’t spoke in the few days we’ve been broken up. I feel he needs time to deal with his anger, his pain, to try and understand his feelings.

    Is there anyway of us getting back together at some point? Or is it too late? I’m out of my depressive episode now and can see everything I did wrong. I am now seeking help and am fully committed to getting myself back on track.

    The most painful part is knowing that if I had been able to communicate how I was feeling and how bad things were getting, he would have been there for me and supported me. This happened because I didn’t let him in. He felt neglected and abandoned and like I didn’t love him anymore. That’s why this happened

    • Faith says:

      Annie, I am really sorry about this. Give him some time to think things through and recover, and then reach out and tell him all these things you wrote here: that you realize how the depression was affecting you and that you are determined to fight it. If you are honest about your mistakes and willing not to repeat them, just say it and fight to win him back. I wish my ex had done this and fought for me.

    • Kelly says:

      Annie, I definitely feel for you. I struggle with certain mental illnesses that have affected my relationships and caused damage. It’s a really terrible feeling, the guilt. However, the best thing that I found to do in these situations is give the other person space. I mean like a month or so of no contact. During that time, you can use it to better yourself and go back to the person that he fell in love with. It also gives him time to miss you and feel the true consequences of the breakup. Once the month is over, you can go back to him and demonstrate the new positive and lovely person that you have returned to being. He will have had time to lose some of the negative connotations of your relationship, and you will have become strong again. Best of luck!

  24. David says:

    I married my dream woman 7 years ago. Beautiful relationship, 2 young children, a thriving business that we built together, there had been some distance and odd behavior over the past 6 months. 3 weeks ago while on vacation I caught her having an affair. This completely bowled me over as there has been zero indicator of unhappiness. Come to find out that my wife has been deeply depressed for 1.5 years and not opening up to anyone about this. She says she has always loved me and knew that she wanted me and our family but that this was “separate” in her head as in she did not want the man, the sex was ungratifying but that she was trying to escape her body/situation. Says she felt worthless and felt nothing for her children and did not care about right or wrong. After I caught her I told her we would divorce and then apparently she hit rock bottom She cried and wrote in journals for 5 days straight then seems to have come out of the depression to some degree. She is back to being the woman I married years ago, sweet, caring, good mother, and is saying she wants nothing more than to make this work and that she loves me and feels connected to me like we originally were.
    The trauma that broke her/us was that we had an abortion after a failed vasectomy 2 years ago.
    How am I now supposed to believe a word that she says? She lied to me for months but now is a completely different person? Now she wants all the things she has had and has no desire for anyone else and feels for me and her children again? We are aggressively doing counseling but I am stuck. How much of this behavior is her or the illness? How does one cope with someone who conceals their depression and turned into something that has completely different ideals from the woman I married? How do I trust again? How does one spot the depression returning or am I just going to be paranoid in the future?
    Thank you for any help and comments. I am having a very hard time with all of this.

    • Sarah says:


      The only way that you two will learn to trust each other again is first to GO TO THERAPY TOGETHER. Then SHE needs to seek a professional on her own as well. There’s always a lot to unpack when something like this happens. You really can’t build the car yourself that will drive you two away from this turmoil; you need the mechanic to assist you.

      You know?

  25. Kelli says:

    I am so happy to have found this site. I feel as though I am reading parts of my own story. I met a man a few months ago. He became my best friend and my boyfriend. We share many common interests and laugh until our faces hurt. I’ve never met someone before who is truly so capable of getting me.

    Within the first month he hit a spell of depression as he was laid off from his job. He also lives with his parents. He’s in his 40s so I imagine this is a blow to his ego. He felt pressured, overwhelmed and told me that he didn’t want me to have a half psycho boyfriend. However during this time he stayed in constant communication.

    We then had an amazing few months. I did everything I could to make him happy. It’s the first time in my entire life where I gave my relationship 110%. We said our first “I love you.” and began talking about possibly moving in together in the next 6 months. I was even willing to move closer to him. I currently live about one hour from him.

    About a week ago his ex wife contacted him with some bad news about their son. He had gotten into some legal trouble. My boyfriend/ ex boyfriend was communicating with me very well in the beginning about what was going on then suddenly it was as if a stranger took over. He became cold and distant. He wasn’t telling me he loved me. We are so close that I instantly felt the shift. I asked him what was wrong and he once again described the symptoms from a few months ago but this time they sounded worse. I told him I would give him some space but he continued to text me. However, it didn’t feel right. I asked him if we were okay about 6 days ago and he described once again what he was feeling. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said “Maybe, for awhile. I don’t know.” We continued to have the conversation via text and finally he said a break was fine.. I don’t even know what a break is. He asked me to check in with him. I didn’t hear from him for 2 full days so I decided to check in with him. I let him know I was thinking of him. He texted me back and told me he was thinking of me too but nothing had changed and he really needed a break. He’s never talked to me like this before. Now here we are and it’s going on Day 3 with absolutely no contact so in the last 6 days I have only had that horrendous conversation with him.

    He is truly my best friend. The last time this happened he wore sweat pants for 2 weeks, didn’t leave his house, didn’t shave or brush his teeth but at least he still kept in contact with me. I feel like he hates me.

    He also compared me to his two ex girlfriends. They were very short relationships and seem to have used him for money while he had a job. He said the only difference is I’m a good person and I’m so awesome to him. He also told me I’m his favorite person on the planet. He said I care, I really really care… all while comparing me to those girls!!! He mentioned that he rushed into those relationships and he felt we did too. We actually took a step back and I gave him time in the beginning. He pursued me. It’s like he had a warped view of reality. I was so angry that he would have compared me with them. But still I held it together because I couldn’t bare to be mean to him.

    We left it at we are on a break, he needs time to himself to figure things out. I’m still in shock. We have had so many conversations about our relationship. I felt this was different for both of us. I feel like I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend. I miss him beyond words. I have been so incredibly nice to him through all of this and part of me wants to snap. There is an emotional part of my brain that wants to blame his ex, that wants to call him a cheater and accuse him of meeting girls or just flip out and end it. But he’s never shown me that he’s any of those things. Ever. He has shown me that he has a lot of signs of depression. He has some eating issues where he has to control his weight. He has compulsive spending issues. He’s definitely got major issues. I’m so scared of losing him.

    • Vern says:

      with a “break”, it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘breakup”, but it can still be painful- it refers to a person taking a temporary step back from the relationship to either do some soul searching, or focusing on other things needing their attention.

      In this case, it sounds like he is overwhelmed by everything and is pushing you away to retreat, when he really should be relying on your support. But I suspect with the headlong full-speed rush into things, compulsive spending, overeating and extreme responses to negative events- he could have more than just a simple case of depression he’s struggling with, something far more serious which mental health experts can pinpoint and help him recover from.

      • Keya says:

        Hey, I am literally the same as your boyfriend except I didn’t compare my boyfriend to others. I was laid off in December and the minute January started it seemed as if anything that could go wrong went wrong. I was broke, still had major bills such as rent, car note, insurance due and I was completely overwhelmed and depressed. I was very embarrassed to tell the guy I was dating about money issues, I did not tell him. He knew I wasn’t working though. My birthday was in February and I was turning 25, I was even more depressed because at 25 I knew I no longer qualified for free training and job placement opportunities. I felt like I couldn’t explain myself properly and that no one understood or even cared. When I tried explaining myself to people who haven’t had experiences like mines I felt the responses were unrealistic and cold. People would tell me to just get a job, get any job even if its minimum wage. In my heart I know it wouldn’t have made me happy at all. I was extremely discouraged. In my head I started making scenarios of my boyfriend, I would bitch about a lot of social media things mind you I usually don’t care about social media. I realized I was just doing too much negativity so I asked my boyfriend for a break, I explained I’m depressed and I felt like no one understood me. He took it as I don’t want to be with him.

        I want to reassure you that it has nothing to do with you. I needed a break to figure things out, to find myself and improve my mental health. It sucks being depressed. I’m very emotional, one day I’m motivated the next day I honestly think I’m better off dead. I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone. Sometimes I go days without leaving my bed at all, not eating sometimes then other days I eat like a pregnant person. Trust me the break has nothing to do with you. We are trying to fight off this demon within ourselves, only we can improve ourselves internally. It’s hard not being with the person you care about but it’s even harder being in a funk or feeling as if you’re in quick sand. You may not totally understand until you experience it, but please understand it is not personal. He is very sick and is trying to improve.

  26. Derek says:

    My girlfriend just left me yesterday so it’s very fresh. I’m 36 she’s 38 we have been together for 2 years now. The first year and a half was great we were so in love and happy we were best friends . The last few months things have went down hill she was going threw something’s and put her in depression. She slowly started to pull away it seemed and started saying she doesn’t see a future or have any feeling for anything in life anymore. She would say she lost her feelings for me as well and then other days when she was happy she would say she loved me. I’m bipolar so I took it personally so we would have the odd fight over it and I would come off needy and such. Last night she said it was all to much and she couldn’t do it anymore my heart sank and I tried to talk her out of it but didn’t work. She jst wanted to be alone she said and not be bothered. I asked was it the depression that caused you to lose feeling she said yes it was from depression. It really sucks to lose someone from depression. I’m going to leave her alone and let her have sometime to think and figure things out. I really want her to come back but not sure she will. Anyone have any luck with depressed person com8ng back over time?

    • Keya says:

      I believe she will come back. As I told the young lady on the other comment depression is no joke. It is like an internal demon that has a person hostage. Notice how some days she’s happy and in love and others she’s down and doesn’t want to be bothered? The depression is keeping her down. She just need time to improve. It’s not personal. But people with depression really really need help! She is very sick mentally. Give her time to improve herself.

      • Emma says:

        Hi Keya,

        My ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago due to his depression. I won’t go into ALL the detail as I’ve already posted here about it, but in the days that followed our very unexpected breakup he messaged me and said “I hope you know that I do want to be with you, everything else is just so difficult” and assured me that he had sought help (therapy and meds) and was determined to get back on track. He asked me to please bear with him, which of course came as a massive relief! Since then, he stopped replying to my messages and now leaves them unread. He did reply last week after weeks of ignoring me and said that he can’t talk at the moment.

        I believe that it’s situational depression brought on by unemployment due to having to retire from his sporting career due to injury. I’ve read that it’s really common for pro athletes to experience an identity crisis, anxiety and subsequently depression when their careers end and they don’t know what to do for money. Covid hasn’t helped.

        You mightn’t be able to answer this and I know that everybody is different and it’s a very complex situation, but I’m just wondering… with determination and the help of therapy and meds and with time, can I expect him to come back? Aah I realise how ridiculous that question is, but I’m so desperate for answers and he wont give them to me.

  27. Elsa says:

    I really need someone to talk to about this.. my fiancé has been going down hill into depression for the last 2 months, and now I don’t even think he is capable of seeing me as the woman he loves anymore.
    I am quite insecure in myself and my worth, so it took me far too long to realize what was going on with him.

    He is pushing me away to the point where I feel like he is a stranger but I still love him with everything that I am.

    I don’t know what to do, what is best for him and where to go.

    Someone, please help me.

    • Claire says:

      Hey Elsa, I know exactly how you feel.

      If he’ll accept your help, go to the doctors with him, look for counselling; some areas have mental health charities that offer low cost/free counselling. Ask a Dr for a referal to a mental health professional and counselling, anything they can offer.

      I hope you get him back soon.

  28. Ellie says:

    I was in a relationship for 5 months where we were living together majority of that time. Things were alright but we fought a lot. I have major depression and anxiety and it got to a point where I started snapping on him and threatening to break up. I had no real intentions of breaking up with him but I couldn’t take all the arguing and I wanted him to fight for our relationship (my own insecurity). Well I did that one too many times and he left. I know that my depression caused major insecurities and anger problems, although I take credit for the things that I did. All of it just seems so misplaced looking back. Anyways we’re broken up but I’m realizing just how good he was to me and just how hard I was to deal with at times. I begged for him to take me back, but he refused. At best he said we can see where we are in a year. I miss him so much and him not being there has only worsened my depression, hopelessness, and overall worthless feeling. I’m quite confident he’ll never want anything to do with me, but it’s hard not to hold onto hope. Does anyone have any opinions or personal experiences of depression taking its toll on their relationships? I know I can’t take back the things I said/did, but I truly love him and think if I were healthier, we could be good for each other. Any chance we’ll find each other again? I’ve considered documenting my recovery (I’m taking meds and getting treatment) in a journal to maybe one day send to him. Is that a horrible idea?

    • GGo says:

      I’m having that experience now here in Calif. My wife of 20 years is angry beyond belief…passive aggresive anger. Sure looks like depression. She Mirrors the actions described here. Waiting and waiting for the therapist to call it what it is. Meanwhile she threatens daily to move out. Forgiveness-wise, we’ll have to see. Therapist is frickin sloooow.

    • Kharma says:

      I literally feel like you sp9oke my story except we were engaged to be married 12-16-16 and now he is with someone else but i want to keep hold of hope also

  29. Sam says:

    Hello everyone. This is a very old post, but a very new situation to me. My boyfriend of eight years broke up with me on the first day of September. I always knew that he struggled with depression and self-loathing, but over the past couple of years I watched him become worse and worse. It got to the point where the simplest compliment would overwhelm him. If he did something nice for me, he didn’t even deserve a ‘thank you’ in his mind. He hates himself so much that it breaks my heart. Over the past year, he became… I don’t want to use the the term ‘needy,’ because that’s not exactly it, but he seemed to need me more. He opened up more. He let me in. He was more loving and better in a lot of ways than he’s been in a long time. I thought maybe we were getting closer and my support might finally be helping, even a little. But I was wrong. In March, we watched a movie together and I don’t know why the mood struck me, but I told him how much I love him. I told him that he is wonderful, and that he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Despite his problems, he has always been my rock. He’s always been my support. He made me laugh, made me cry. Made want to be a better version of myself. I thought he was my soulmate. That night, he broke down in a way I’d never seen. It scared me. He told me that I deserved better than him, and that he clearly isn’t the best of anything, and it was such an explosion of self-loathing that I was terrified. I have to be honest, our relationship was long-distance. He disappeared for three months. Then he messaged me out of the blue, telling me that he is ready to fight to get better, but to do that, he has to leave me. He thinks he needs to stand on his own two feet to get better and that he’ll use me as a crutch if he stays with me. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get better. He thinks he is a burden and that I am better off without him. I am shattered. I miss him more and more every day. I keep over analyzing everything and wondering how I became a part of the problem. I love him so much. Everyone keeps telling me he’ll come back, but they don’t know him like I do. He won’t. He will never come back, and I am struggling to get over this. Reading this post helped a little. It’s hard to let go of someone when you feel like you can’t blame them for any of their actions. I guess I have to start looking at the reality of the fact that he didn’t love me enough to even try to fight WITH me. I don’t know, guys. I’m a mess. It’s hard to let go when they leave you because they love you. “I don’t love you anymore” would have sucked, but somehow… easier. There is more finality in that.

    • Lyla says:

      Hi Sam,

      I just stumbled across this page myself and saw your recent message. I’m sorry you’re going through this but your message is eerily close to mine. I’m hurting so much and I don’t want to just “let go”. I haven’t spoken to my friends or family about this because I don’t think they will understand. I can hardly hold back my tears reading your story because I feel the same pain as you. Less than a month ago we were discussing our future, kids, and everything. My bf told me that he will be alone forever and will never be able to make me happy. He says he’s a broken person and needs to do this alone… I want to be by his side and support him and be there for him but he won’t have it.. I can’t offer you advice as I don’t know what to do myself but if you need a friend to just vent, I’m here for you. I’m going through this alone and I can’t discuss it with my friends or family because I know they won’t understand. Feel free to reach out to me via email or something, it would be nice to hear from someone who going through the same thing ????

      • Anna says:

        Wow my story is also very close to both of your stories. Boyfriend of 8 years ended relationship out of the blue in Novembe due to his depression. He said he will be single for the rest of the his life, then a few weeks later said he will start online counselling and we might be able to get back together in the future if he feels better. Also said he doesn’t even really understand why he even ended the relationship.
        I feel very hurt but also want to help him but he wants no contact at the moment.
        It’s so painful.


        • Sue says:

          My boyfriend ended our 2 year relationship 2 days ago out of the blue. I really think he is depressed and has been for several months. I think that is what caused him to break up. He insisted it’s not me and that he needs to figure out his life. He has been on an emotional roller coaster lately with his daughter and very distracted, not feeling well often, and tired. He said all he wants to do after work is sit on the couch and has no motivation. The breakup came completely out of the blue for me as in previous days everything seemed fine in how he was relating with me. I was shocked and devastated. I am now concerned for his health but trying to be good to myself by not contacting him since I felt it was very hurtful for him to end the relationship so suddenly and never brought up how he was feeling about our relationship if something was bothering him. He said he isn’t able to take our relationship to the next level. In one way I feel like if he doesn’t want a future with me then I need to let him go but on the other hand if he is depressed and this was a result of that I feel like I should be there to help him. I don’t think anyone else in his life will help him as people in his family tend to brush things under the rug. He really hasn’t been taking care of himself over the past several months. I am so upset about it all. I am feeling a mix of anger, loss and sadness.

          • Keya says:

            I am a person dealing with depression. I am only able to reflect now that I am doing a little better but I want everyone to understand that even though it hurts not being with the person you love and care about their decision is not personal, it is not against you. You won’t clearly understand until you are feeling the way they feel and sometimes it’s hard to explain how we feel. I need you all to recognize that depression is extremely sickening and can be dangerous. It will turn you into a completely different person, a person that is unrecognizable. Depression is not who that person is. I describe it as a demon taking over your mind completely negating every thought you have uncontrollably.

            When I detach myself from people or loved ones it is not to hurt them. It is for me to have time to understand myself, cope and fight off the depression in order to help myself. No one can help unless you’re a licensed therapist who understands. It is an internal thing and need to be worked on selfishly. I truly believe that when the person gets better they are very willing and capable of loving you and coming back to you but while this illness manifest there is no growth within that person. It’s almost like we can’t appreciate you until after we’ve overcome this thing. It sucks while it last. I broke up with my boyfriend and it’s been almost a week without any contact and I care about him a lot but I really need solitude in order to get well.

  30. Sassy says:

    Hi, I just wanted to share a very similar experience with the other people that have commented here. My boyfriend for over 1 and 5 months broke up with me 2 days ago. He has clinical depression before we were together and it has recently come back this year because of work. His therapist even said the root cause was because of work. But recently a lot of unexpected bad luck or situations have befallen him in this month alone. Fights in the office or clients, money was stolen from his account and all that. I’ve been supportive and patient with him all throughout it and he even acknowledges that. We have had a very loving and good relationship and don’t really have conflicts with one another. Just like the others who have shared their story we even talked about the future, marriage, kids and all that. So it was so very sudden and abrupt last Sunday that he said he wasn’t just wasn’t happy anymore with the two of us, that he was losing interest in me and the things we used to enjoy. He says it’s not because of depression but his emotions. He says he doesn’t feel the same way as he used to. But then he says that he knows it’s partly his fault and the fault of his depression that we don’t go out anymore or why we kind of talk less and all that. And I see how his depression affects him, he isn’t happy anymore with anything even being with his long time best friends. He doesn’t have any motivation or interest in anything anymore. So I’m confused if he’s in denial that the depression has really affected his emotions and feelings for me or if he really just feels that he isn’t happy anymore with us? And I don’t know what to do to help him because a few hours before he wanted to end our relationship I could see and from his stories, his depression is actually getting much worse. So i don’t know if I should just leave him alone or still reach out to him? 🙁 if you could help me somehow it would really be appreciated.

  31. Iamwhoiam says:

    After 1 year together everythingvwas like a dream. We felt like soulmates. Started to be serious. Then he was panicked he will loose me so he was broke up with me. He said the problem was with him. He can not see the future positiv he feels empty.rottening inside. Since then he is not contacting with me. When I write he is answering but it’s just like 2 strangers. It hurts so much. What is he really want? If he want me to go forever why is he still here? Im starting to feel same and down.heartbroken.I don’t know what to hope or do

  32. Beverly says:

    Me and my now expartner had been in a very nice 4 year old relationship…He seemed very in love, around four months ago he had made this comment about how he saw a discovery documentary where they said love only lasted 2,5 years but he thought it wasn’t true cause he still felt very much in love with me. I’m now working but he’s still studying the second career he started and feels insecure about it. When he started this semester, in August, we began to see each other much less frequently since he had a lot of classes and began to dedicate more time to study…I began to complain about it, specially during my period -they recently diagnosed me with endometriosis and began a hormonal substitution treatment-, and ask him do you love me?…
    Maybe this was the third month I would ask this right during my period, Everytime he responded he was just really stressed out…and the times we spent together he seemed ok, he was very caring and worried about my well being and we had nice sex that many times -maybe 50/50- he started it. Though, it looked sometimes he didn’t want me to stay the whole two days like before, and expected me to go home a little earlier or left my house earlier…
    About two weeks ago, my period came, I again complained he again said he was stressed. Friday he asked me to go to a concert with him, we ate something -he felt a little ashamed each paid for their half and he didn’t pay for it all, even though I’ve always told him I have no problem paying for my half or for both- after the concert he was supposed to go to my home…bit when I asked him he wouldn’t want to go, I was sad even though I knew he had stomach ache. Next day I complained he saw I was sad and didn’t say anything…he said he would go to my house at night. I was no longer annoyed by that but he wanted to talk, which is strange cause he’s extremely shy, and unable to have this kind of conversations. He said he didn’t feel the same anymore, he was no longer happy with me, he sometimes preferred to stay at his home alone than coming to visit me…he said he wouldn’t want to admit it before to himself, he didn’t understood himself, he knew 90% the relationship was great, he still cared about me, had desire for me, fell tenderness about me but he didn’t want to continue the relationship. He cried, he said he thought I would be the one to fall out of love since he had no complains, he thought we could grow old together… But he couldn’t continue.
    Five days later I called to propose us to see each other some times so this is more gradual since it was a complete surprise to me…He said it was better for me that we don’t, he said he was still sure he didn’t love me and he had been calmed all this days and had no intentions of regretting his desicion. He stopped picking up my calls. I wrote to him mad, then I wrote to him sad. He wouldn’t reply. I went to his house.
    He wasn’t there but his parents which I love and love me back were. We talked about it, I told them I was worried about him cause if he lost interest in his career, then in his volunteering -political- activities and then in me I don’t know what else would come. They were also worried about some blocks they note on him, the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate, the fact that he can drive but he never wants to really practice to actually do it by himself…
    And that’s what happens with his career he claims not being able to concentrate on finishing an activity, that he feels he just doesn’t want to do it he feels he’s blocked. Things he also said we’re why he would end the relationship. Then he came. At the beginning he was calmed wouldn’t answer more than he still knew he didn’t want to be with me and last couple of months he just pretended to be fine so I would be ok. But when I told him I was worried, that he’s losing interest in everything, that what he says about his career is now saying about me he broke. He started crying he asked for forgiveness. Then I told him I was worried he would damage himself and he cried even more…at the end he promised me to go to a psychiatrist -he confessed he had already tried a couple of physiologist and didn’t feel it worked so abandoned it-. We hugged and cried and I left. I feel better now than before that talk but I’m still very sad. I know I shouldn’t but I’m still hoping he might come back, he might begin to realize he misses me in some weeks or the psychiatrist might help and he realizes I’m not the problem…
    Do I have any hopes of getting him back?

  33. Ana says:

    Friends, I am looking for some perspective. My BF of a year ended our relationship this past weekend and I’m absolutely heartbroken. He mentioned early on in our relationship that he was treated for depression about 15 years ago. We were ok until about a month ago when I started feeling that something was off. We talked about my concern and he confirmed that he didn’t know what his problem was- he was lacking motivation, was tired most of the time, just felt like sitting alone and doing nothing. He assured me it wasn’t me and he just didn’t know what his deal was. That weekend he told me he felt a bit better and talking somethings out helped. I felt that things were at a plateau until two days ago he came out and said he needed a break as he needs to get himself together- possibly go to the doctor and get blood work and also explore the possibility of depression. I told him I wanted him to do whatever he needed to get himself into a good place and thanked him for being honest about it. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the word “break” as I felt it implied hope and his replied that he can’t make promises about the future. I offered to pack up the belongings that he had kept at my place and asked him if he would please do the same with mine at his home. He stated that he didn’t know if this was going in that direction yet. I told him again I just want him to get the help he needs but I’m truly devistated that he would want to go through this alone. Like so many of you have posted, I feel that he has cut me off. He went on to say that he’s been a shitty boyfriend and things used to be great with us and now it just feels so blah. I can not hold onto hope that we will be able to reconcile and have the great relationship we used to because I feel that I’m setting myself up for something that most likely will not happen. I need to find a way to grieve this out but in the back of my head I keep holding on to this tiny tiny chance. I guess I’m seeking reiteration that this is the illness and not him at this moment. How can I let go and allow myself to heal?

    • Faith says:

      It is the illness! Don’t have any doubts about that. The best thing you can do is give him some space and work on yourself. Easier said than done, but if you try to push him it will backfire. He needs to get treatment and until he does there is nothing you can do (only advise him to get treatment for depression)

    • Sue says:

      Hi Ana, I just had the same thing happen to me after close to 2 years with my bf except I don’t think he realizes he is depressed. He does have exactly the symptoms you described however. Have you had contact with him? Has he been treated? I am so sad and confused about what has happened with my bf that caused him to do this.

      • Ana says:

        97 days, no contact. I wish I had some idea as towards what he has done for himself, if anything. I miss him terribly but I’m slowly beginning to realize I need to start moving on.

        • Sue says:

          I’m trying to grieve but it’s going to take a long time for me to let go of hope and I can’t even imagine at this point being open to dating again. I never knew much about depression so I didn’t recognize it in him and this wasn’t even a thought in my mind that could happen. All I knew is he was struggling with challenges related to being a single father. It’s so devastating as I had really allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusted him so it was a big shock to me when he ended things. I’m just taking it moment to moment as I go through anger, sadness, hopefulness, hopelessness, strength and weakness. I also consider getting in touch to say I think he is depressed. I’m trying to give space though. It’s so hard to know what to do. I love him so much and he expressed his love for me also. But now having read about depression I see where he had a lot of the symptoms and understand how people can’t feel anymore. It’s such an awful illness. I can only take things day by day now. He, his daughter and his family were a huge part of my life and it’s a huge loss. I feel the same wanting to think he is getting help for himself or is he continuing on a downward spiral. Take care.

        • Elyse says:

          What ended up happening? Did you move on? Did he get healthy?

  34. Brit says:

    Hi there,

    Also going through a very similar situation…I knew he had issues with depression\anxiety before we started dating as he was very open about it and I told him it didn’t change how I felt about him. He was the one who initiated the relationship and initially we lived over 500km apart but he would visit as often as possible and we talked everyday either via text or on the phone. He told me how I made him happy and having me in his life was really helping him.
    I ended up moving back to my hometown (woohoo only an hour and half drive away from each other now!) and he would visit every weekend and things were great. After a little while he started feeling torn between spending time with me and his friends – he only had two days a week in town so I get it was tough to fit everyone in. I’m not exactly a high maintenance girlfriend so I was ok with him having guy time as long as we got to spend at least one day together! Eventually he started talking about how I deserved better and that we should break up – he even tried to get me to hate him so I would leave him. I was able to assure him that I was happy with him and that he deserved to be happy just as much as I did.
    The summer was an extremely bad fire season and I got evacuated from my town and ended up staying with him at his place for a little while and once again things were great – we survived not only the stress of our hometown potentially burning down but also being stuck with each other!
    SO cut to… him finally getting a job in the same town as me (both of our hometown) and just as he was about to move here he seemed to get overwhelmed\freaked out so he went back on medication he was on before we met… and then broke up with me via text message…Not ideal. Unlike last time he refused to see me in person, and he avoided me. Once again he told me I deserved better and apparently the girls in his previous relationships got scared and left him as soon as he started slipping into the depression hole. He said he couldn’t handle the pressure of being my partner and that he felt stressed and guilty all the time (I assume because he thought he wasn’t enough for me). This was almost two months ago…he has told me he still really cares about me and has said things like “I have faith in the future” or “I can’t be there for you right now.” He avoided seeing me in person for over a month so I finally went out to his place to talk…He told me his position hasn’t changed and that he thinks maybe he’ll be alone forever. I’ve tried giving space but also worry about him and want him to know my feelings haven’t changed even if he’s hurt me. He said he would like to be friends – though he’s still been avoiding me and will often not respond if I send him messages (i’ve tried to tease him like old times but not sure if that’s a great tactic as he isn’t very responsive). I strongly believe I was a positive thing in his life as I always did my best to offer support and never judged\put him down. I’d get him to step outside his comfort zone a bit, but would always try and make it fun and exciting not daunting. Plus him telling me he had fun with me and that I made him happy.
    I guess I’m wondering if I should just let it be and stop reaching out or keeping fighting for him? I know he’s never had anyone fight to be with him before, so it could be comforting or terrifying for him…He told me he’d left me know if he felt like doing something together…as he flaked once again on my recent attempt for us hang out – even just as friends.
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated as i have no clue how to make someone realize they’re no consolation prize and that I’m willing to stick it out even when things get ugly! It seems the harder he pushes the away the harder I try to pull him back…which again may not be a great approach. I’m pretty new to the whole relationship thing, but I know I’ve never felt like this for someone before so if there’s anything I can do to salvage it I’m willing to try. I know it’s easier to push someone away than let them in and risk getting hurt again but I honestly feel we’d both regret not trying again.

    • Faith says:

      Hello, you may want to check the depression fallout forum. There are many people who have gone through something similar and will help with those questions:)

    • Kelli says:

      I swear I was reading my story, although mine recently happened. Can you tell me how things are for you now? This just happened to me last week. I am so lost. I don’t know how to act right now. He’s my best friend and I miss him so much.

  35. Andria says:

    It’s time to move on, every day you spend waiting for them to realise the pain they have caused and come back to you is another day you waste from healing and moving forward. Expecting a person suffering from depression to behave and react like a person who doesnt have depression in a relationship is like expecting cows to fly. So for all those who come here to share your stories, take heart in knowing your not alone, but dont be the person who hangs on to something that is long over and has will never mend. They become different people. And unless you can fall in love with this different person and they you, you are all but strangers.

  36. Luke says:


    I would just like to vent and get some support from people going through something similar. I have been with my girlfriend for 11 months, we moved in together after 1 month due to a huge fallout with her flatmates but it worked and we were happy, leading us to find our own place together 3 months ago. Were both in our early 20s so this was a big deal but we were happy to live together. Last week she spent most nights after work drinking with her friends and she usually didn’t do that so much and it got me upset thinking she had gotten bored of me. I confronted her sunday night and she blurted out that she was so unhappy with life and she was so depressed. She said she didn’t want us to split up but that this is what ended her last relationship. I didn’t see her till monday afternoon after i finished work. She was distant, but we cried together and she laid on me for a bit. For the next day she was very distant and spent a whole day away from me with her friends drinking. Reading what other people have been through i realised i would probably end up depressed too and I’ve been preparing myself that we will split up. Ive offered her my unconditional love and support through her fight with depression. Wednesday morning we decided we should take a break as she can’t focus on a relationship right now. She told me that being in relationships can make everything in her life become like how it has, and she said she feels like she’s lost who she is along the way. I went out in the afternoon and rang my mum for support, came home and we talked a bit more, she seemed a bit more open. We have stopped keeping in the same bed. Im hoping she sorts her head out and realises that she wants to be with me, just last week she said how much she loves me, I’m a bit shocked at how sudden this all is. Its now thursday and I’m just trying to keep myself occupied on myself.
    I would really appreciate any advice on my situation.
    Thanks in advance!

  37. Melissa says:

    Hi everyone.
    Thanks so much to everyone sharing their stories. I really can’t believe how many people are going through this.
    My story is really very similar. My partner of 7 and a half years started a very stressful job just after we moved house. He suffered a period of extreme anxiety after we moved. He gradually became distant from me, stopped talking to me, started falling asleep on the sofa really early etc. He started going out with his friends more often but his drinking increased. Just before our daughters 3rd birthday, I discovered that he had cheated on me – had kissed a woman he used to work with. I was furious with him and he was so apologetic and said that he didn’t want to lose me and would mak everything up to me. About two months after, he hadn’t done anything to make up for his behaviour and continued drinking etc. Once he didn’t come home at all. He stated that he was feeling really down and had considered driving his car off the road so that he didnt have to do this anymore. He said that he can’t cope with his job, being a partner or a father. Then a couple of weeks after he decided he wanted some space to figure it out.he wanted to stay together but just wanted to get away. This “space” has developed into further drinking, to the point he didn’t turn up to look after our daughter so I could go to work, breaking up with me telling me he doesn’t love me anymore but also said he doesn’t feel love for our daughter or anything, sleeping with another woman he works with, and now wants to organise out assists as he wants to leave for good. All of his friends, co workers and family are telling him that he’s different. That he doesnt even talk the same. He said he is thinking of going to a counsellor but is convinced that he doesn’t want the relationship in the meantime. He tells me that sleeping with this other woman was a drunken thing and that he’s not getting into another relationship- but how much do we believe.
    His whole family have suffered with depression at one time or another but it’s hard to know without a diagnosis whether this is him or depression doing this. I feel like I’m running out of time before me and my daughter are homeless. He is very cold and unemotional towards me and doesn’t care about the impact this is having.
    Any advice on this would be great I’m totally at a loss here. He text me on Friday saying he must still love but is a total mess at the minute. Come Monday he wants to break everything up and we are meeting on Thursday to work it all out. Does this sound like depression to you?

  38. Olivia says:

    I am in need of some advice because I am not sure what to think right now. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my (ex)boyfriend for just over three years, and he just broke up with me for the third time a little over a week ago. He has depression and is diagnosed and has been on medication for it, which does help a decent amount. Each time that he has broken up with me, including most recently, he has been in a bad funk with his depression. Both of the previous times he ended up coming back and we got back together. This time around our relationship was amazing, even all my friends would tell me how much they envy us and want what we have together. He has told me that i’m the love of his life and that he wants to marry me one day. He has also said that he’s had dreams about him proposing to me and has thought of some ideas for how he could propose one day. He even told his parents, sisters, and best friends that he plans on being with me for the rest of his life. He has been depressed for like the past month because he moved to a new city and started a new job and has been struggling to adjust to the changes and make it his new home. His mom even had to drive to him one night because of how worried he was about him being so depressed lately. When he broke up with me last week he told me that he does not think we will last and does not think we would “have a successful marriage” because of differences, one being our religions even though he has known since the beginning that we are not the same religion and it was never an issue before, and was not an issue this whole time when he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What do I make of all this, this time around? Is it over for good?

    • Faith says:

      Hi Olivia, I am really sorry for what you are going through. It does sound like the depression has got the better of him again this time… Besides medication, what other steps has he taken to deal with depression? If he does not fight it hard, this behaviour will go on. It looks like it has already become a pattern. My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 times within 5 months. They need to understand how their depressive state affects their decisions and also how it hurts their loved ones. I would suggest to give him some space for now, because if he is really depressed he will not be able to listen to whatever you say, but when he feels better and gets some clarity be firm about how you want him to change this. He needs to see what he is risking to lose.

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  40. Lilly says:

    Hey there,

    my husband left me out of the blue 5 months ago. We were together for 13 years, married for 2,5. He said he loves me, but he´s not in love with me anymore.
    4 weeks later he moved in with his secretary and her 2 year old son (she left her husband for him as well).
    The last couple of months before he left he was very unhappy with his job, his friends, etc… I had no idea he was unhappy with me. We never had a fight or anything. We were in the middle of buying a house and planing kids.
    One week ago he started texting me, that he doesn´t enjoy life anymore the way he used to and that the gulit for what he did to me is his biggest demon. But he knows, he has no right to tell me these things…
    Could this be a depression or am I just a wife that can´t stand the thought of her husband leaving her for another woman?
    Thank you for your answers…

    • Christine says:

      Hi, this reply is not just to you but to all us women, who have, are and still suffering because of the behaviour of a depressed/lying/cheating/deceiving man/woman; it is 8 months since my husband was found out, 5 months since I told him to leave, 3 months had him back for 2wks and now gone for good. All the lies, deceit and cheating, after 26yrs of being together. I have tried sooooo hard because of my love for him. He had an affair after 6yrs of marriage but was only diagnosed with Social Anxiety disorder/depression at the end of 2016. Again my whole world caved in! You ‘never’ really ‘know’ them, think they are quiet, shy and they keep everything, very close to their chest! LOVE MAKES YOU BLIND! Hope makes you hold on to something that is NO LONGER there!
      You ‘HAVE’ to move on! It’s soooooo PAINFUL ! Family try to help, friends try to help but unless you are experiencing it, they do not ‘really’ understand what you are going through! I am still in AGONY, trying sooo hard to keep positive but he has traumatised me soooo much, all because of the loss of LOVE, feeling loved, the comfort of my husband. He is setting up a new love nest with a member of his staff! She too has issues, was raped by her father, her 2 girls have been abused by her brother, their Uncle. 4 kids in total, 2 by one dad, 2 by another dad. He has left his family of 3grown up daughters, partners and 3 grandchildren, none of who can ‘understand’ what the hell has happened! He didn’t want his grandchildren on his day off, as why should he look after somebody else’s kids on his day off!
      Yet he has taken up with this woman, 4 kids and is not telling her about his ‘condition’ She knows about the antidepressants but NOT the whole story. Is this going to end badly? There is NOTHING I can do anymore, YOU HAVE TO LET GO and TRY to look after yourself! I’m still trying………

  41. Alice says:

    Hello i would like to share my story and hear if there is a chance for something. Me and my long term boyfriend had the best months together. He told me that he never met someone like me, that I was amazing.

    For a while ago, he broke up with me out of the blue. I feelt like everything was fine. I knew that he was depressed before we started talking and Dating. He Had a lot of anger and he hates himself so i was trying so hard to help him.

    We figured things out, he said that he did not knew what he feelt and that we could not be together. The day after he returned and wanted me back. For few days ago he left me again. He said that he did not love me anymore and that he was a “pussy” because he could not tell me that.

    I dont understand how it could change so quickly. He told me that these two months have been stressfull and that he does not want me anymore. He only wants to be friends. When I asked him last time about his feelings, he said that he does not love me anymore.

    What should I do?I am so broken i feelt like he was the only one and that We were suposed to be together, move together and all that stuff. I really need a replie it would be amazing because I can’t stand it.

    I don’t know what to do. My question is that his feeling loss is cause of the depression and self hate, or he simply fell out of it?

    • Faith says:

      Hi Alice,

      I have the exact same question so I am afraid I cannot give you an answer. I was seeing this guy for five months, and at first was on and off (similar to your story), then steady on for a couple of good months, until he stopped taking his medication and then broke up with me out of the blue. Have not heard from him for a month now, I don’t know what or how he is doing… He said he felt bad because he could not love me.
      I am trying to forget about him and move on.
      Silly detail: we were playing a game of scrabble online, which we did not get to finish because he broke up with me. It was sitting just there in my list of games, and a couple of days ago it disappeared, which means he logged in just to delete it. It is clear for me he wants to erase all memories…

      • Alice says:

        Thank you for your replie. I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do.
        At least it is nice that many other did try the same thing as I did.

        Thank you.

  42. Faith says:

    There is something I’ve been wondering about recently and I wanted to see if anyone can offer any insights. I’ve read so many of the stories here and it seems it is very very common for the depressed person to leave his loved ones behind. However, I was talking with a friend recently, explaining what happened with me and my ex boyfriend, and how he walked away saying I have stronger feelings for him than he has for me and he could not see himself loving me ever in the future. My friend had been herself depressed for a while in the past and she said to me that, from her point of view, she could not see how this behaviour could be explained on the basis of depression. She said that, from her experience, when you are depressed you seek the people you love for support, not chase them away. She said that he is one of those people who cannot appreciate someone being nice to them, and it is a matter of character, not depression; that if he really cared about me, he would be trying to get in touch with me and win me back – and he isn’t. I am not sure what to think now. Since things have ended between us, I guess it is not tremendously important any more. But I feel it would help me to move on and make peace with my past if I knew what the situation was really like. As things are, I cannot make sense out of it all. Did he mean those things? or was the depression talking?

    • Frannie says:

      From my experience I am going through depression and so was my boyfriend, he broke up with me because mine was too much for him when I wanted him to be closer as someone to lean on and be supportive. So I guess what I’m saying is men and women go through this differently and everyone deals with it in different ways. In your case I’m guessing it was the depression not him. Hope this helps

      • Faith says:

        Thank you Frannie. It does help 🙂
        He ‘liked’ my photos on facebook now, after two months that we have not been in touch. And he normally is not active on facebook at all. I am thinking of unfriending him because it does not help. And how childish is that? If you want to get in touch with me, just talk.

        • Faith says:

          I am sad and outraged, and this is why I am posting again. My ex boyfriend, who changed his mind about our relationship three times over 5 months, and finally broke up with me saying he could not love me, is now kinda stalking me on facebook, liking my posts, saying he is interested in events I am interested in etc. Just when I started doing fine and regaining my balance. And he does not even have the courage to talk to me straightforwardly. Does he even remember what he said to me? How does he think it is ok to behave like that? I am thinking of deleting him from facebook but somehow I find it hard to do, and this annoys me even more. I am having unwelcome thoughts and memories, just when I thought I was over this. At the same time I am so so angry. What can I do?

          • Rosie says:

            Hey Faith. I feel for you, I’ve been going through a similar situation. There are a few things that I had to learn which really helped me understand why he acts this way, what’s unacceptable, what to be able to expect, and so on… one of the major things is that decision-making is hugely impacted by depression. Decision-making relies a lot on proper emotional processing, which is not regulated properly in a depressed person. This makes it difficult for them to make decisions based on logic and emotion combined. So if one day they say one thing, they can easily change it the next, because their emotions aren’t steadily telling them one thing. That’s also related to why he can’t feel like he can love you, or why he’s intimidated by your love. You are being normal and loving – his depression (and probably fear of intimacy, abandonment, attachment avoidance – look these up, it’s interrelated) makes it difficult for him to accept being loved by someone, and to open up, be vulnerable, and give love properly. He wants to feel loved by you deep down, which is why he can’t make a decision to just stay away from you, but he can’t admit it either, because love is largely accompanied by an unhealthy anxiety and self-sabotage for him. Unless he decides to work through some of this stuff by himself, with a professional, or at least have some up-front honest conversations with you, he’s going to keep making a mess of relationships.

          • Faith says:

            Hey Faith,
            Thanks so much. I understand all that, even though it does not make me happy. He did message me yesterday, attempting to start a casual conversation. I replied asking kf he remembered what he had said to me last time we met, and now can he expect to talk normally as if nothing happened. I told him how his words made me feel. He said he was sorry and that he did like me and care about me, and that he felt and still feels the loss of that. So he did own up to his feelings but only to an extent. He did not admit that he made a mistake and wanted us to get back together. Instead he came up with a silly excuse why he wrote to me. I think he did not expect me to snap at him and was taken by surprise. I ended the conversation saying that if you care about someone and feel their loss you fight hard to keep them. In this way you don’t have feelings of loss. He did not reply back. Nowhere in the conversation was there a reference to depression and how he is dealing with it, and never did he actually say he wants me back. The whole exchange was upsetting to me, even though I finally got to say all the things I had bottled up… Why can’t he own up to his feelings and be honest and upfront? I can’t do this for him.

          • Faith says:

            Hey *Rosie, not Faith, obviously!

    • Rosie says:

      Hey Faith,
      I know what you mean. My boyfriend did the same thing 3 months into our relationship, but then he kept expressing in every way that he still loves me and wants to be with me, besides actually admitting it. It has been taking a huge amount of effort to be able to make sense of when his depression is talking. When your ex said that about the future and the stronger feelings, it’s definitely influenced by depression. He literally cannot feel as strong emotions as you can, because of the depression, so he feels like he’s being a terrible partner by not being able to reciprocate your love properly. If he is emotionally numb (which it sounds like it is), then depressed people cannot see themselves becoming capable of love ever, and they can start to think they’re just out of love with their partner. My boyfriend did that for a while, and it was a really painful period, but I knew enough that I wanted to hold on at that point, because it was depression. When he began to feel again, his love was full and wonderful, and he could express how much he loves me, wants to make me happy, sorry he treated me badly, etc. If your ex is still in a depressive state, he won’t be able to properly express much. You prompting him to reflect how he hurt you is good in my opinion –some people advise us partners not to do that and just walk on eggshells, but then there is no reason for them to recognize how destructive (self and other) they are being. The only thing is, I had to find a good balance of when to be firm and when to be gentle about how I told him these things, because sometimes being firm at the wrong time could make them become more depressed to the point where there is no hope. As it is, two major markers of depression are just that: no hope, and no conceivable future. This is really important to understand, because with or without you, he has little hope that his future can be good, so it’s even harder to picture having someone who he loves and loves him, and that working out…
      I recommend this book called “depression fallout” by Anne Sheffield, which was quite helpful (along with a ton of internet forums and articles) to understanding the impact of depression on love and relationships. It’s so difficult but you’re not crazy, he did love you, and his acting like this is definitely a setback from depression…
      I hope whatever you want works out, it sounds like you are handling this really well though 🙂

      • Faith says:

        Thanks so much for this.
        The thing is, I am not happy with the way we left things because I still care about him and deep down, no matter how hurt I am, would want to be together. But I don’t want to make all the effort for that to happen. Do you think I should have told him how I feel (besides just telling him off?!)
        All my friends advise me to just stay away and if he wants to come around, he should just think and take the initiative.

        • Rosie says:

          I know what you mean. I think that decision is ultimately up to you. But for me, I knew even despite what my friends were saying that there’s more to it that what others see on the surface of a relationship. I know some depressed people treat their partners really badly, like verbally abusive, emotional manipulation, cheating, etc. But my bf is really careful to not do anything hurtful within his control. When he does things like not say I love you, I had to learn that’s out of his control because of the times he literally can’t feel any emotions. So for me, I had to decide based on what I feel deep down between us, and that I want to make the effort because our relationship and bond is too rare to pass up for me, and depression will be something he has to fight through, that I’m willing to be by his side while he does. The thing is, no matter who you end up with, you’ll hit a low at some point. Unfortunately for us, we hit a low early in our relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with deciding it’s too early to try stick it out and build a relationship. I’m not sure how he would react if you told him how you feel, but you have to have few expectations since he’s still in a depressed state. He might push you away further for a bit if he finds it overwhelming, but he probably wanted to know that you do (since he obviously does for you) and might warm up. But him reaching out to you is all of the initiative he can muster at this point, and probably takes a lot from him, because he likely still has a sense that he doesn’t deserve you, since he hurt you by the way he’s acted with his indecision. It’s perfectly fair if you think it’s not enough for you. Hope that helps 🙂

          • Faith says:

            Thank you, Rosie. You sound so smart and sensible, really, thank you so much for your answer!
            The thing is I recently got out of a long-term relationship with someone who had many mental problems (not depression, but still mental problems) that he did not deal with, and was too self-centred to realize the impact this had on our relationship. After 6 years we broke up and it was devastating. I promised myself I would not get into a similar situation again, but here I find myself once more. When I first met this guy, it was not crazy love, I just thought he looked like a nice and serious person and wanted to get to know him better. I gradually fell in love with him and found myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. When he was feeling ok, he was loving and caring, and I miss all those moments. At no point was he abusive, manipulative or anything of the sort. But I fear that this patter has been established now, since he broke up with me 3 times within 5 months, and how can we get out of it? I already feel heartbroken and I don’t think I can take one more rejection. If you don’t mind telling me, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? And how does he manage the depression? My ex boyfriend had started therapy but quit, and he was on medication which, unfortunately, did not take consistently (hence the mood swings). I am not sure what’s happening with him now… He was quite reluctant to talk about it even before, even though he was very open to me about his situation from the very beginning.

          • Faith says:

            So in the end, I did send a message to him. I wrote that I was missing him and thinking of him, and that I don’t want him to think that I don’t like him or that I don’t want to see him and speak to him again. I am just sad and hurt. I sent it yesterday but he has not replied anything so far. I thought at least this would be a more positive way for me to get closure, and maybe it will help him as well. I wish things were simpler.

      • Alice says:

        Hi, Faith and Rosie. Wanted to ask you about something as issues with my ex-boyfriend keep on being there.

        For two weeks ago he returned back, said that he missed me and we found a way again to fix it all. But after just some days he left again, saying that we are only friends.

        I posted my story here so I wanted to ask you about this because it hurts so badly. He told me that his brain made those feelings, and told me that he is so negative and self-destructive. I don’t know if I should listen to what he is saying and try to move on, or just wait few months and see if he will be better at that time?
        Right now he is having the worst period of his life, worst episode of all those episodes he had. He also told me that he was happy when we were together, but he feels like that ‘love’ feeling is gone and that his love feelings are gone because it did not change into true love but just these feelings aren’t there anymore.

        I don’t know if I should believe it or not. He is having such hard time right now, dealing with so much at the moment. I am not sure if it is depression speaking through him and making him not able to feel anything at all, or it is the truth that hurt me so badly. I have been searching for answers around, reading articles just to know how I should understand this and it all looks like depression talking. What do you think about it?

        • Faith says:

          It is depression talking, as far as I can understand. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can’t! Only you know how strong you feel about him and how long you can wait to see if he gets better. Could you maybe give him some space for a while and see how you feel about the whole situation?

          • Alice says:

            Thank you for the answer. It hurts me badly but will try to give him space. I know that I love him so much, and I am ready to wait.

            Thank you so much for the replie it made me more calm, thank you. It’s soon my Birthday so we are going out that day, but yeah I hope it will be good. So hope that it will be okay even tho I miss him.

          • Alice says:

            I am just confused because he told me that his “crush” did not change into love but we have been “together” or had something going on in 7/8 months or something like that. He just told me that he is sure that it did not change into love, and that it is all his fault that I am suffering.

            I have been reading a lot about stuff lately and it makes me paranoid as I don’t know what to feel or do. I feel like he loved me and loves me, even if we are only friends he always touches me and so badly searched for body concact.

            And also last time we Had our arguments and stuff (now for 4 weeks ago) we did only message each other few times, and after around two week with not seeing each other we met. He said all the time that he missed me so badly and that he loved me, but his mind made it all hard to him to know what he feels. He said that he was sorry and that he still wanted to try find a way.

            Then in some time eveyrthing was fine, but then again after just a week he left me again. Telling me that we are only friends. He then started to act like not himself, also after school start he dropped out so quickly. He told me that it all stressed him and feelt much more worse.

            Yeah so now, he will start at an creative school. Then i visited him in few days and just “was friends”.

            But as I said, body concact, hugs, hands on my hips, hair, we even were holding hands but then he said “brother” or something and let it go.

            And for few days ago i broke down as I told you, and all the stuff that I sad in the comment before, happend. He told me all that stuff about me and him. That he feels like it was a crush and that he is not in love with me. That he is an monster, that i deserve so much better. He started to be so self destructive and like i said, told me that he has the worst period of his life right now (out of thoes other breakdowns he Had.)

            So I think I should wait and see, like if he missed me after thoes days before, and all these things he told me should be “the real him” and not the depression talk right?

            Sorry I am just confused, hurt and want answers as I don’t know if i should keep on waiting. I want to but still, it is so hard. I love him so much and wants it all to be okay.

          • Faith says:

            Since you know you will go out on your birthday, it is good news 🙂 Hang in there and I hope things will get better for you xx

          • Faith says:

            Hi Alice, your story reminds me of my story a little bit! If you read my comments above you will see the similarities. It is what Rosie said, that it is hard for them to feel fully because of the depression. Even though he likes you more than a friend (and his body language shows that, as you said) he is numb and cannot see himself becoming capable of love, this is why his words contradict his actions. My ex boyfriend told me that he likes me but he is not in love with me and does not see himself being in love with me in the future. I think just because they feel unloved and unworthy of love it is hard for them to open up and express their love to another person. I don’t know what to advise you because I am torn as well. After three breakups (he broke up with me 3 times in 5 months) I cannot take it anymore. Last time we spoke I told him how much he had hurt me and ended the conversation saying that if he feels the loss of what we had he should do someting about it. But it would be a major breakthrough (and unrealistic) to expect him to sort out his feelings and be ready for a relationship any time soon. I do like him and I believe he is a great person, but I cannot get hurt once more… So, my only advice would be to tell him how he makes you feel and ask him to deal with his feelings somehow…

          • Alice says:

            Thank you for your replies. I think that I will give him some time and see what will happen. xx thank you for help!

          • Alice says:

            Hello Faith. It was my Birthday last night. We drank some wine and he got very drunk. He hugged me all the time, touched my face and caressed my hair all the time. He looked into my eyes so many times, as he moved his head closer to my face. It looked like he tried to kiss me or Had it in his mind, but i was not sure if i should do it as his parents were there for some minutes.

            He also touched my bottom lip all the time and just looked into my face and eyes for so long. I don’t know if it is good, he always Had more confident when he is drunk. In the start for so many months ago before we were together, we got drunk at the new year eve and he then hugged me and stuff. So i don’t know if i should think about this as a good sing or just let it go and don’t care about it?

          • Faith says:

            Sounds like alcohol helps him relax and become more expressive 🙂 I think there is no question that he likes you (you don’t need to get him drunk to realize that) but his depressive state makes it hard for him to admit it and express it properly. I hope things stay well!

            On my side of things, my ex replied to my message saying he is really sorry that he hurt me and that it feels selfish on his part to want to see me again. I sent him a long message explaining that I want to see him as well but that I cannot be sucked in this vicious circle again, and that if things are to work between us, he should deal with his feelings. I said I really hope he can fight through this so that things may be different for us. I don’t know how realistic it is to expect him to do it…

          • Alice says:

            Thank you for your replie!

            And i hope the best for you two, I am sure it will be better sometime! It seems like it somehow will get better, since you two spoke about it! I really hope the best for you two! And thank you so so much for support, you don’t know how much it helps me to cope with the whole situation! xx

          • Faith says:

            I do hope things will get better for both of us 🙂 keep me posted!

          • Alice says:

            Hi Faith. I found out that he is mani depressive (bipolar) so it maybe could change the whole situation. I am not 100% sure but 89% sure as I have some sources, that are not just Google.

            Like in their manic periods they do things and can’t even remember that, like he forgets so much all the time. It maybe could be the reason why he broke up? Because of his manic period?

        • Faith says:

          It is hard to say without a diagnosis. But I’ve read that some medication may have this side effect too. He should see a doctor about this…

          • Faith says:

            How long can one wait without any indication of what is going on on the other side? It’s been two weeks and I have received no response to my message. I said I want us to be together but he has to deal with his feelings first so that we can make this work. I do not expect him to solve his problems magically in one night but any response would be better than silence (like, ‘yes, I am working on that’, ‘no, I cannot do that’, ‘you are wrong, leave me alone’, anything!). I ran into him in the library the other day, where he works, and he was talking to someone. I looked at his direction but he pretended he did not see me. Shall I just suppose that’s it then, forget about him and move on?

          • Alice says:

            He is manic depressive found out about that for some weeks ago. He is really changing from his typical self that seems weird, to totally different person. He has been going on like this in almost two months now (with all the stuff that happend.) I am too losing hope and it hurts so badly to wait. We are seeing each other all the time, some days better some other a bit stressfull. But I can’t ask him about relationship as I know how it will end, he needs to be stabel so I can get an answer.

            And i am so sorry to hear that about your ex. I tried where mine did not replie at all, but after three days always replied. I think if he will really want to come back and if he really will be there, he will come back. If he is in his depressive episode right now, I don’t think that there is so much you can do. Of course many people experience depression in so many diffirente ways, but manily the thing that is common is, that they say such horrible things and just can’t think right.

            I think you can give him some time, try to at least focusing on yourself and not think too much about it. I am trying on that too, and with small steps it became a little bit better. Of course I miss him to death and messages him all the time,
            But I still try to have hope even when it looks so dark.

            You can focus on yourself and I am sure if he really wants you in his life he will come back after some time where he is more clear or where he can feel his feelings again. Mental illness is so hard to cope with bot them and also the families and people that are around, I know that you know that but I wanted to remind you that there is always hope. As long as he returned to you before, I think he might do it again. But if the worst scenario happend to both of us and they just left, someday we will understand and look back at this and be so much stronger.

            Take care Faith, and if something new happens update me.

          • Faith says:

            Thanks Alice 🙂 It hurts like hell, yes, and it is hard to just wait with no idea about what is going on… I don’t want him to just return and then go away again though. I want him to understand the situation, what effect depression has on his thoughts and feelings, and fight it with me. I did what you are now doing for a while, seeing him without asking about the relationship, but I just couldn’t stand the uncertainty. But I also found you can’t ask for something that is not there, ask someone with no clear mind for commitment. I did ask, he thought he could do it, but couldn’t. And here we are.
            I hope things work out for you, best of luck xxx

          • Alice says:

            Hi Faith. I hope that things are going well or at least are fine.
            I am stuck in the same situation. Waiting, or should I just let go mood. I am trying to keep on going but it is hard when the person keeps to push away.

            I am trying to stay positive and let him concact me. And i hope that things will be better sometimes.


          • Faith says:

            Hi, Alice!
            Same here. I am sorry you are having a hard time too. School is starting this week so at least I will get busy and I won’t have time to dwell on this. I am not initiating contact. If he wants, he knows where to find me…

          • Alice says:

            School is helping a lot, but still missing the person I was used to be with all the time.

            I did not message him these past days only replied and did talk when he did. He now started to message me a little bit more, and more often. He also wanted to see me in few hours but his mood seems still weird. But trying to hold on. Hope the best for you too


        • Faith says:

          At least it looks like he is fighting it and trying to make your relationship work. My ex has been silent for a month now, no response or reaction whatsoever to the msg I sent him. I guess this means he cannot handle reality right now. I miss him sometimes but I don’t miss the turmoil I was in and the misery he put me through…

          • Alice says:

            I am trying not to think too much, as last time I did, i got hurt. Just trying to see what time will bring and not get all too happy too easily. Thank you so much I hope so.

            And leave him, he will for sure get his stuff together and when he will be ready he will concact you, I am sure. He might feel hurt and sad about the fact how he did handle the situation and might be ashamed of how he did treat you. I am sure they think as much as we do, and are sad and frustrated or even much more. Like not to say that it is okay how they that us and do treat us.

            But I think it is very hard to them as well even when we don’t know what is going on, and what will happen. Lets hope the best and time is the only to show. Best wishes to you and update me if something is happening. Hugs xxx

          • Faith says:

            Well hope is all we have… I was tempted to contact him but I don’t think this is the right thing to do, as I might get more hurt if he does not respond. But I really don’t know what is going on on his side. He might be dating other people for all I know. I wish I had a clue at least.
            Take care too xxx

          • Faith says:

            Not sure if it was right, but I sent him a message today saying only that I am thinking of him and that I hope he is well. I don’t expect him to reply and I am not looking at the phone all stressed out, as I would do when we were together. I thought about it a lot and I decided to send the message without any expectations on my part, only as a support for him. If I were in his shoes I would appreciate someone looking out for me. So, that’s all. We are humans after all.
            Hope you are well, Alice

          • Alice says:

            That sounds hard.
            I hope that it goes better. Found out that he was not bipolar but depressed. so it is hard..

  43. lynn says:

    I have been in a (very) long distance relationship for about a year and a half. My (ex)boyfriend has told me he was depressed before we met and he has had dark thoughts ever since he was about 10 years old. Lately he’s been starting to feel depressed again and a couple of weeks ago he broke up with me saying he needs some time to work on himself. He is now seeing a therapist and if necessary he will start taking medication. He wants absolutely no conatct right now as he “doesn’t want to have to worry about anyone else”. I am so confused as our relationship was so strong and our love for each other something I have never experienced in my life before nor have I ever seen any of my friends in such a strong relationship. I understand where he is coming from and I want to give him the time that he needs. He has expressed things in a way that he might want to get back together in the future by saying things like “we need need some time apart”, “we’re breaking up for now”, and “I’m not saying this is for good”. I do believe that he would never try to leed me on or keep me waiting if he didn’t sincerely hope that we could get back together one day. I guess my question is what are the chances that when he recovers he will find his way back to me? I guess there’s not one answer to that question but has anyone experienced something similar? At this point I’m not ready to move on either way, he is the love of my life, but it would be good to hear if there is any chance for us..
    If anyone has any thoughts or any experience with this kind of situation your input will be much appreciated.

    • Faith says:

      Hi Lynn,

      If you read other stories here you will see that many people have experienced the same thing. I guess there is no safe way to say whether your boyfriend will come around or not… It is up to you how much you can take and how long you think you can wait for him. It is not easy and I am sorry you are going through this. I have not been in touch with my boyfriend for a month now and I don’t see things changing for us, but it sounds like you had a strong, long term relationship that may survive this. I wish you all the best


    • Wise says:


      I am going through the same thing. I am (was) in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I thought he was the one for me and we thought of each other as soulmates. In fact, I already booked a ticket to be with him this holiday season.

      It sucks being halfway around the world and you feel so helpless not being to help him out. Despite all the support and space I have given him, he chose to break up with me because he doesn’t want to be a burden.

      I am unsure if not contacting him is the best way or should I just let go of our relationship.

      I hope things turn out well for all of us.

      • Lina says:

        Hi all,

        I’ve never reached out like this and I know I’m commenting on an old post but I’m seeking any guidance.

        My soulmate just abruptly broke up with after 3 years. Stating similar things like all of you about feeling depressed and not being in love with me anymore. But still wants a future with me.

        Wise – half of our time together was long distance. Any tips of how you handled the break up due to depression while being long distance?

        A part of my says stay away and a part of me says to go visit. Any tips?

        We were lovers and best friends and now I find myself missing the friendship more than anything. But I don’t know what to do.

  44. Mike says:

    Hi, could anyone help? My girlfriend was diagnosed clinically depressed long before I met her. She broke up with me a month ago, for the third time. At first, she (after I coaxed them from her) cited reasons like we didn’t have trust, we fought too much, me texting her friend to ask if my GF mentioned me (I was worried at the time – I felt she was going through more of her self fulfilling prophecies- I was right!), and her emotions built up. Now, our relationship this time around was sort of rocky; she dated another individual between our two stints. We took time before getting back into this. I stressed how much she hurt me, while she stressed how much she was sorry and that she would never do it again. Trust was a thing we had to be patient about, but over time it was getting noticeably better. In fact, I completely trusted her. While the 2ish days leading up the breakup were worrisome (self fulfilling prophecies), I was blindsided. Even a week before she was the happiest i have ever seen her. And I’ve known her both in different relationships and out, the dumper, the dumpee, and nothing at all.

    Anyways, this past month after she broke up with me, she revealed many things under my pressure. She “wants what’s best”. She “was happy with me”, but wants to “try to be happy” on her own. After thinking about this for some time over that long month, I came to the conclusion that it was her depression that ended this relationship. I told her this.. oops. She then proceeded to blame me for everything. My “shitty behavior” broke us apart. She took absolutely no responsibility. What’s worse, she stressed about one hundred times that “it’s over” and “we are over”, and that it doesn’t matter now that she was happy with me. I’m still so confused. I treated her very well. She initiated talks about moving in together and more.

    She looks very happy on social media, even going as far as to say she has never been this happy before. But I know her, and I know she’s not happy. I know the whole social media mask people put on, there is a whole psychology thing there. She has no real friends. I was always the only one there for her, even when she was treating me poorly at the time. Her “friends ” know nothing about who she really is.

    I just don’t know what to do. We are not talking anymore, period. I want her to reach out to me, I want her to realize she’s done so much wrong, but at the same time, part of me wishes I never gave her a chance way back when. I would really appreciate any help I could get, if it’s not too much, whether it be your own experiences or personal help with my experience. Thanks

    • Mike says:

      I should also add, when I told her that I wasn’t the one causing her unhappiness, that the first thing she does is kick me out of her life and it NEVER makes her better, she replied that it was me. Anything else I said to address this topic, she did not respond to. Before we got into this relationship, I also made absolutely sure (I thought) that she would never do this to me again. Well, here we are. I’m taking the fall for a girl who would do anything for me some days, while others she likes to pretend I am the root of all evil.

      • Faith says:

        I hear you. I was dating someone with depression and I’ve had the same on and off experience. He broke it off with me a month ago even though he seemed happy and we were getting on really well. He came to my place one night, had a shower, had dinner, everything seemed normal, and then out of nowhere he said we shouldn’t see each other anymore because I had stronger feelings for him than he did for me, and he thought he could never grow to love me (!) He had said something similar before, when he had stopped taking his medication (as he did this time, too). I did not object or attempt to convince him otherwise. At some point there must be a limit to the damage and the hurt you are willing to be exposed to. Overall we had been dating for 5 months, and somehow it feels this is time I will never get back. I feel drained. Watch out lest the same thing happens to you…

        • Faith says:

          Having said all that, I still find myself thinking of him and wanting him back. But my head tells me this is not right, so I will fight the impulse to get in touch with him. We deserve people who care for us and are there for us. We deserve people who appreciate what they’ve got when they are with us…

          • Mike says:

            I feel your pain. I’m young, yet, but I grow from hating her one day for everything she’s put me through, to focusing on the great impacts she had on me and missing her the next. I can’t even begin to imagine what’s going on in her head right now – she’s the indecisive one, not me. Best of luck, and at the very least may you have the strength to get through this.

          • Mike says:

            Also, they always come around. Whether or not you’re moved on by that point, and whether or not they STAY (easy come easy go..), they always come around.

          • Faith says:

            Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? You can never safeguard yourself from such a behaviour. The first time this happened to me, we had just started seeing each other. It was one month or so, and he was so sweet and enthusiastic and giving… and at some point, he started withdrawing and being aloof. Then he messaged me to say we shouldn’t see each other anymore, because he feels we don’t have many things in common. A couple of days later (I had not contacted him in any way, respecting his decision) he messaged me again to say this was a mistake. We started seeing each other again and after a couple of weeks he almost had a breakdown in my place, saying he felt really bad, did not know who he was and what to expect from a relationship, and that he was terribly sorry but needed to be on his own. We bumped into each other after a couple of weeks again after that, and he said he had missed me but he still was not sure he could get into a relationship. We saw each other quite a lot after that, but I was not happy because I wanted him to commit to me, not just come and find me whenever he felt like it. So I told him I cannot keep seeing him unless he decides he wants to be in for good, and was very firm and clear about the fact that I won’t do on and off this time. Yet, after two months here we are again. He stopped taking his medication without prior consultation with the doctor of course. I kindly nudged him but to no avail. I have no idea how he is coping now and I shouldn’t really care. He was the one who cut me off his life. After having dated for 6 years someone with mental problems, I am not willing to go through this again. And I had told him from the start: depression (or any mental problem) is not the issue for me. Everyone has or could have similar problems. We are only humans. The thing is how you choose to deal with those problems. I am done with people not taking care of themselves and hurting me because of their unresolved issues.

            In a strange way, your post helps me: I’ve been torturing myself for not speaking up when he broke up with me saying those terrible things. I was thinking I should have said something, make him see it is the depression talking not him, but I did not. I did not object, did not try to make him change his mind. Yet, I see that when you tried to do exactly that you were met with hostility and denial. It is a no win situation…

  45. Billy says:

    I have been engaged to a lady for 2 years. All along I have known she has depression. I have never tried to fix her but be supportive of her when she would cycle through the rough bouts of depression. Over the past few months I have seen her depression get worse. She even stated to me she thinks she needs to talk to someone. I found names of counselors and psychologists for her to see. 2 and a half weeks later I asked her if she made an appointment. She stated she did not because she would like to talk to a female. I said ok and encouraged her to do so. She refuses to talk to me about what she is depressed about. I have tried numerous times to get her to talk about it but she just shuts down. In May I was in the hospital and she waited 5 days to come see me. That broke my heart. I would say since that time I have seen increased anger towards her daughter and me in particular. Worse to me. I told her that we really needed to sit down and have a heart to heart about our relationship. She agreed we did. On July 3rd I went to her house. She said I wish you would have given me a “heads up” before you came over. I replied well you knew I was coming over today. She stated “I am not doing this in front of my kid!” In a anger toned voice. So I politely asked her when we could talk. She stood up and said “You know what? I don’t want to talk to you! I’m not happy. You know I’m depressed. It’s over” She then went to the counter and grabbed the engagement ring and gave it to me dead straight faced looked me in the eye with no emotion. I then began removing my personal belongings from the house. As I was taking boxes to my truck she was outside watering the flowers like it was just another day. No emotion, no tears, no nothing. She wouldn’t even speak to me. I love her very dearly or I would have never asked her to be my wife. Now that the house is empty and all my belongings are out it still seems that she is not phased on me bit that we are done. Her family told me to give her time. They really like me and told me that I am the best thing she ever had and she threw it away. Part of me just wants to cut this off completely and walk but the other part is saying hey this was your fiancé what happened? Like making me want to stick around. I’m torn. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

    • Mike says:

      First, it’s probably not your fault at all. It sounds like you cared for her and would do anything in your power to make her happy. Time is a crazy thing. And for her.. she desperately needs to fix herself. She can remove you from her life, but not her depression. This sounds like her trying to take charge. Good luck through this, i would give more advice but I am not qualified to

  46. Rolfen says:

    Depression is a condition. Blaming it for the breakup will mask deeper causes, such as HOW partners deal with depression and with stress in the relationship, or any other issues, really. If these deeper causes are not effectively addressed, then the relationship is going to be hostage of whether one of the partners is depressed or not, which I’m afraid is likely to happen again.

  47. Josseline says:

    My situation with the Relationship that I have been with someone who have depression is very confuse . Please don’t be judgmental with me .
    I wish I can find someone here or in another place to HELP ME OUT ! Basically to Understand .
    I Knew this wonderful guy at work, I work in Retail he was a customer. We had a lot chemistry and after that we started to contact each other for three days by email. Then, he ask me for a date and phone number. We fall in love our eyes were almost crying of happiness when we saw each other smile . It was the best feeling in the world . The same date he ask me he wanted to be in a relationship but that I shouldn’t rush and that I could take my time. I said yes after 4 days .He presented me to his family,friends and take everywhere.
    IT WAS THE PERFECT BOY! Suddenly after 3 week she just cancelled a date without explanation and I talk to him he confess :” I suffer from Depression I didn’t want to tell you cause you are very important tome and I don’t want to push you away”.I said” I am willing to face anything with you , I now you don’t want to talk right now so go to bed and we will figured things later”. He was so happy and motivated and things were very good the next week. Suddenly again he was distant , I called and say : Hey baby! What is going on?”He said I am not sure about us “” I do not want to be whit someone someone who is not trying to change me” .We talk ,we solved ,we understand we move on. He was taking anti depressives once a week ,and he was smoking weed in small doses to help out his process , he was also casually drinking, but I was always telling him that alcohol is very harsh for him, His mom is bipolar and smoke too much so I tried to recommend him to get out of house. This guy was super happy and motivated and told me ” I will do this cause you are everything for me” .Once, he went to a trip for 4 days as always we really loved to see each other and kiss and talk after that. But now he completely avoid contact whit me. He preferred to stay at home smoking with his friend . Then, I wait two days more we had plans and as soon as he sent a message saying: ” I want to cuddle you in my bed” he suddenly said: “I think I might go to a concert tonight”. I was so fucking upset and crying. I mean we had more than 9 days and he did not care about us. I was like: “tell me if you have lost interest o me or not”. He decide not to answer fpr a day and after voice messages and texts, he texted me a 4:15 am the most painful thing that I have ever read.
    “We shouldn’t be talking anymore , We are just not compatible”
    “You are too young for me”
    ” I need someone that I can drink with”
    i said: What make you take this decision?
    – ” Cause I thought I could change you”
    “Good night ”
    I said: Are you seriously ending this he reply: ” Yeah”.
    I said : “Bye ”
    What happened , why this ? It was lack of love or simply depression. it has been 4 days and she is not contacting me . I felt so bad I opened my soul and he just treat me like crap.

  48. Anonymous says:

    There are a lot of stories here that share the same roots: depression, desertion, confusion. This is an illness & it’s difficult to be the partner who is “abandoned” out of guilt, shame, delusion, etc.

    I want to take a time out from these tales of husbands and boyfriends and girlfriends and wives choosing to blame you for their emptiness or attempting to spare you their demons and say:

    1. It’s encouraging to see love is still alive. Real unconditional love. Most of you have come here looking for advice or comfort because you love your partners deeply and you want to fight for them. This is special, and although it may sound strange… congratulations to each of you for your compassion and empathy. Even if anger or despair brought you here, you came looking for answers because someone you love is suffering from depression and not dealing with it appropriately. There is some part of you that wants to “save” them from self-destruction. We live in selfish, callous times but you are here on this website, hurt as you are, because there is something unselfish and tender in your heart still towards these partners. And that should be acknowledged.

    2. You can’t do anything about them, only yourself. This is difficult to accept and I know some may disagree. Yes, you can call you can text, you can remind them you love them, you can pray, you can hope they come back. You can give and give and give. But the reality for all of us here is that age old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”. Your partners feels are their own and so is their depression. You are responsible for your own happiness and well-being and the extent that you can influence someone else’s is limited to however much they choose to allow. We have all done everything we can think of to stop them from leaving or bring them back. There is a natural desire in love to alleviate burdens and sometimes we take those burdens on ourselves. Accept it’s not your fault and it’s not your partner’s fault necessarily either. But remaining in this chaotic state or doing something to recover from it is exclusively their decision….


    3. Take good care of yourself. Remember you did your best. Remember you did a lot to be a good wife or husband or bf/gf. You have attempted to honor your vows, your professions of love if unmarried. If you choose to stay in contact you will need to be strong enough to love them and set your needs aside. If you choose not to that doesn’t make you weak either. But each of you deserves the best life they can create in the short time we have on this planet. Your devotion is beautiful but your devotion to yourself also matter. You deserve respect, honesty, loyalty, and your partner may not be capable of those things now. This isn’t a lecture to give up on them. But do not trade your self-worth for anyone. No matter the history, the illness, or circumstance. The greatest love story of your life has to do with how you love and respect you. This is what influences how you love others. So all of you here suffering and heartbroken and trying to find ways to heal from the upheavals depression have caused you. Let these people go as much as you can. Whether it’s just accepting a new reality. Whether it’s not texting every day… however you can let go and accept you are dealing with a different version of the person you love. On planes they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before they try to put on anyone else’s. So as each of you works through the road ahead never forget YOU deserve to be happy too. Be fair to yourself. Life is very short. There is no one you can’t live without if they insist on living without you.

    • Jamie says:

      This forum is a great help. and this comment just now has given me a bit of clarity.
      I think it goes to say, we are not alone. We have the same thing in common – we want the best for our loved one.
      As i read more and more – parts of your stories are the same as my current experience. Except – I haven’t spoken with my Ex (ex as of last week) about their depression. I don’t actually know for sure if it is what is happening right now. The more I read here, the more it sounds the same. We were getting on so well. Of course life is hard and the occasional distance between us I put down to fatigue from work (on both our parts) and a stressful work life which we cannot control. Coupled with feelings of questioning our jobs… both thinking about changing what we have done all our lives for something completely different… well – you get the picture.
      But together we were always fine. Until one day after being so tired – I questioned the lack of interest in me. They said they love me – so much. but they are not in love with me like they were before. they don’t know why. and if they could, they would change it in a second.
      I didn’t want to break up. They said its unfair on me and they couldn’t be with me feeling like this. I said we could work it out. i’d give them space if they wanted.
      I thought I’d hear nothing from them. But they have texted me, at random times. Asked how I am. Told me they miss me.
      Are they letting me down easy? or do they really care? do they feel guilty?
      I analyse everything i remember from the past few months – the symptoms people describe all point to the same thing. I think even now I may be suffering from a mild form. But nothing like what they are going through.
      If I am right about this, and when they said they still love me, is true, then maybe they believe they are saving me from them. I do not want to be saved. I would like to help.
      My friends tell me to wait. give space. if it was meant to be it was meant to be.
      They want space, I know this, but I don’t want to abandon them. I also don’t want to pressure them. It must be awful to not know why you are feeling a certain way.

      What do you do when they break up with you. Only after that event and all of your thoughts clear a bit you realise the something that was underlying there. We have never fought or had an argument over anything, it just seems to me that we are worth fighting for – is it too late?

    • Hopeful143 says:

      Dear Anonymous , I can’t even describe how much your words meant to me and have given me a little justification that perhaps my decision to step aside is the right one. After dealing with the push and pull from my ex for sometime now, this last push from him has worked. I decided that because I love him dearly i have to let him go. At first I battled with the thought of something horrible happening to him and me not being there to protect him or having the illusion that one day he was going to wake up from this horrible nightmare and everything was going to go back to how it once was. However, I have come to realize that i cannot shield him from making wrong decisions and destroying his life. I worry so much for him but finally acknowledged that I had to step aside and let him deal with this however he chooses to whether I agree or not. I have to allow him to give up his wife of 11 years and push his two beautiful children to the side if he feels that’s the right choice for him. I don’t know if he’ll every truly understand how much pain he has caused me or my babies. I do often wonder if he’ll one day open his eyes to realize that the one person who has the ability to make him happy is himself and we were not the cause of his unhappiness. I, on the other hand, work hard every day to pick up the peaces of my life and work on redirecting all my energy i once put on him back to me and my babies. . I have never dealt with depression and after learning more about it, realize what a horrible disease it is and can’t begin to imagine how painful it is for the people going through it. However, i don’t think people truly understand how devastating it is for us, the loved ones. The ones who are the closest and most effected by our depressed loved ones.

      • Christine says:

        I too have now had to let my husband go. Married for 25 yrs and it no longer means anything to him. He suffers with Social Anxiety and depression and it all came to a head New Year, when once again he was having an affair. First time after 6yrs married and now 19yrs later, again. It is definitely all what I read. The excitement of a new relationship is what he seeks, they think this is what will solve how they feel. I have given him all the literature to read and he recognises so much of himself in it but still cannot see just what he is doing. He is having therapy but I don’t think it’s really helped as he is just not honest and doesn’t open up. Our 3 daughters were willing to accept him back but he was off again, seeing her, lying and deceiving all the time. Lying to them too. The caring just won’t go away and the pain. I’m on antidepressants as I can’t cope anymore, it has gone on for over 6 months now, the tooing and frooing. I hope he finds peace within himself some day but I know I have to move on but there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me at the moment.

      • Anonymous says:

        I hope you take some comfort in knowing that this is an illness and it is not you. Even if some blame has been shifted onto you… as you’ve read over and over among these posted stories, depression creates a negative, distorted reality for sufferers. They don’t have control over it–they only have control over what they are willing to do to get help and manage and recover.

        Your heart is to honor your marriage vows. Look in the mirror and know that you have done your best, done everything you could to reach out to your husband, but he has to reach back. I don’t know whether he will or not. No one can or should take that desire for him to be restored to you and your family. But it is encouraging to hear you recognize that you cannot fight his demons for him–all you can do is remain a beautiful, loving, and as much as you can be…forgiving woman. Hope does not have to die for you to be healthy, but a healthy hope is certainly one that recognizes what is within your control, and that right now….is you and the world you create for your sweet children.

    • Lotus Flower says:

      Thank you. I really needed to hear that.
      12 years together and the man I love is no more. The man may look like the love of my life but my love certainly is not the distant, unable to feel anything person I see in front of me. I miss the days when he was not like this.

      He went out and rented his own place and he told me last night. He says he is sad too but it is just not fair for me to just wait on a broken man.
      He is going to use this time apart to focus on himself to get better he says. I really hope he gets better.

      I also know that I will come out stronger too. What hasn’t killed me will only make me a better person.

      I have given him my blessing on his solo journey toward wellness and will see him off with a smile of encouragement. He knows I will be there if he ever needs me.

      But my god. Why won’t tears stop. Now my eyes look so horrible.. all puffy and red.. urgh

    • Faith says:

      thank you for this, Anonymous. It helps so much

    • lookingforabetterway says:

      While the support is greatly appreciated & for me many of the posts do sound like my situation with my husband but how do we really know it is depression?? I am sure we would all like to believe there is another reason for our spouse/significant other leaving us besides the fact that maybe we really are the cause. Can I be the real problem? I keep telling myself I should see the signs, but I always feel blindsided. If the problem is myself, I need to find a way to correct my wrongs before moving on and finding peace with my marriage falling apart-if it’s depression affecting my husband(my possible finding via google search)as his wife shouldn’t I be doing everything I can to help him feel better about himself?

  49. jojo says:

    Hi all, I chanced upon this website and just want to seek for advices.
    I just broke up with my bf for 7 months and am feeling lost and confused at this moment. I know he has anxiety problems one month into the relationship but I didn’t want to not try after all, I really liked him and he had been really nice to me. One week ago, he came over to my place and told me that we need to break up. His reason for doing that is that he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore and he thinks I deserve someone better, he isn’t able to treat me properly. At the same time, he is also the same person that tells me from time to time that he knows he’s taking me for granted etc. Another thing that I did not mention is that he is actually taking his PhD now. He has to stay late in school, work on weekends and he says he just doesn’t want to string me along and it’s the best solution for us.
    He still wants to be my friend and he keeps telling me that he will always be there for me if I need him. I’m getting really confused if this breakup is a result of the anxiety disorder or is he just wanting to break off because he doesn’t like me anymore. I like him very much still and I’m not sure what to do for now. I’m giving him space now but I feel so heartbroken the last two days when I start seeing him post on his facebook wall that he is going through some emotional ups and downs with his PhD. I really want to be there for him but I really can’t and I don’t want to push him further away.

  50. Jessica says:

    Dear Fellow Heartbreaks, and Heartbreakers,

    I came across this forum for personal validation. My gf and I of 3 years have recently broke up. I moved out and got my own place. The relationship itself was very good. Not a dull moment. We were always laughing. We were that annoying giddy couple people rolled their eyes at. We did have rocky moments. Times where she wasn’t 100 percent on me, but I was 100 percent on her. She has always been very indecisive. About everything, from work, to me, to what movie she wanted to watch, to just picking a simple meal. I found it very irritating at first. But once I fell in love, I found it endearing. Unless of course her uncertainty pertained to me. She is in recovery of almost 8 years. I have been with her the last 3 of that. I have watched her be a loving, wholesome person, to an erratic scary monster. I’m assuming she lacks coping skills tremendously. I feel so sorry for her. I have lived with her one minute loving on me, telling me I make her so happy, to the next minute her telling me she just doesnt have that AHA feeling for me..that I am not the “one.” We have always talked about it, and of course it would shift. Well last year her dad died of cancer. It was sudden, and quick. We spent many weeks at the cancer center and slowly watched her dad fade away. It was all so surreal and quick. After that it got worse. She has quit several jobs, never wanted to really leave the house, and really let herself go. Then about 8-9 months after he passed, her cat died of cancer as well. We had no idea she had cancer, and couple months later we had put down for her own being. So much loss in a year. 5 months after the cat passed, she had noticed herself being miserable, hateful, and unhappy. Has told me over and over she loves me, but she needs to get herself well. That she needs space to fix herself. So I lingered a bit, because I love her and didnt want to move. But she became angry a little more often, and became mean. Telling me she doesnt love me, doesnt want me, that I am a not priority right now. So I went and moved out. Well, afterward we still continued to hang out. I still would go over on weekends and stay. She continued to still treat me as though we are dating. I am her one constant support, the one who makes her laugh, the one who is just there for her, and loves her unconditionally. Well one week we are like normal, and then randomly she will tell me we gotta stop seeing each other because we will get back into the habit of “us.” But then she will text me the next day and want to come over or vice versa. Last week I asked her if she wanted to go out with me and one of my friends. She instantly got hostile, and said no, that she didnt want to get back into the swing, that she needed this, and needed to get herself right. It is just hard because one minute we mutually are on the same, laughter, intimacy, etc.. and then BOOM, bye.. please go now. Does any of this ring a bell?

    • Jamie says:

      Hi Jessica,

      Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. there have been some hard times in your relationship but you have both got through them together it seems. I would be the first person championing you two to be ok again. But I think it is probably not doing YOU any good the way she is swinging back and fourth. I know you love her very much, unconditionally, that is why you are still there for her. I think you have to be aware also of how you are feeling, and that the backwards and forwards doesn’t drag you down.
      I should take my own advice really – but thats the hard bit. Looking after you. you see your Gf suffering, they become the priority because you will do ANYTHING for them. Thats because you are a great person. remember that. If you think its getting too much for you. Maybe you should give your self some space on your terms.

    • Alicia says:

      Hey not sure if you will read this but I have a very similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating since high school and on and off for about 5 years. He started showing signs of paranoia but I know for sure he has been diagnosed for anxiety and on that medicine. Everything was pretty much fine until he had to drop out of his school classes and had family stuff going on that hindered him, he also lost his job, ever since then he started showing these obvios signs of depression or anxiety and we’ve been through breaking up a few times and him saying he needs time to get his self together and then saying he wants me to be there with him or realized breaking up wasn;t the answer especially because i’ve always been there for him EXACTLY what you were saying, main supporter. Then when things happen in his life like he loses another job, he automatically changes and ends up saying we need to break up because he isn’t good to me and needs time to work on himself and get on his own two feet(which I was an enabler because I let him live with me and did everything for him when I thought he was going through it and needed help. Right now we are broken up, he just told me a couple of weeks ago when we sat down and talked about it, he asked that I help him stick to one decision as he is very flip-flop, we said we would stay together and have a little more space between us to he could work on himself, we said we love each other very much etc etc anf he said he couldn’t see himself with anyone but me. but then a few days he said he needed to get himself together again and couldn’t do it in a relationship, there is so much more we are both 20 years old. It’s very hard for me to just leave him because he wasn’t always like this and we’ve been together for yearsssss.

  51. jenna says:

    Wanted some advice really.
    Ive been with my partner for 2 years, he has depression, but surely the way he is acting with me is not due to his depression? I have also had depression myself for 7 years and have never treated him the way he treats me.
    He talks to me like rubbish, always angry with me and causing arguments over things that aren’t worth arguing over. He will tell me to go out and enjoy myself with my friends, then have a go at me when I return. He will treat me like his slave, he will text me things like ‘when is my tea ready’ . He will leave me to look after the kids whilst he sits in bed all day. Even worse, when he drinks he will come home and has been violent with me on several occasions, pushing me over, grabbing my throat, dragging me off the bed. but he has never hit me. Should I be putting up with this behavior? Am I just using the excuse ‘he’s depressed’ to stay with him? I’m confused, I know I don’t deserve to be treated like this, but is it his depression or just him? Surely even being depressed you know right from wrong? I can’t take any more of this, it’s just making my depression worse. Any advice would be lovely. Thanks.

    • Anonymous says:


      Being grabbed by the throat or being “treated like a slave”are unacceptable behaviors. Period. Whether your partner is depressed or not, love should never be dangerous or degrading. Whatever you choose, I truly hope you will place your safety and self-worth above all else. Never forget that you deserve to be treated respectfully, and love and abuse are IMO mutually exclusive.

    • Josseline says:

      Jenna you are a valuable human being do not forget that! Also, if he his in this stage the best thing for you is walk a way cause is consuming your happiness and you could even get worse with your depression. Do not forget tat you have to love yourself first .

  52. twinki says:

    i need help. i have recently faced break up with my partner. he was depressed since long, and everyday we used to fight and cry. i used to understand him for all the situations but at times i needed my time as well. i just used a few words for him while he was trying to ignore me ( heartless, mean, selfish). though he wasn’t really mean /selfish/ heartless since the time we have been together, but unknowingly these factors got into him all of a sudden. he used to stay online and talk to his friends, but when i used to message him he never replied instantly. he used to reply me after 20/3o mins. i started realising that he no more wants to talk to me, care for me. he used to talk irritatingly on phone. which used to make me sad, but i never reverted. but last day i spoke it all up to him, he got more depressed. n at night he broke up with me unexpectedly. saying that i am ready to take the blame of this breakup, all mistake is mine. he left me weeping, and din even bother to make me smile. he said that he has become a bad person using those three words which i used for him. he said i am heartless man now, i don’t love you anymore. if i would have been a good person i would have come up to you to make you happy again, but its not working.
    we are not talking since then.
    i am really depressed and crying since then. what should i do? i wan’t to talk to him, and sort the things, but i am stopping myself since he would be busy with his work and his day will ruin because of me.
    please help me out.

    • jolly says:

      I can say I am going through the same situation right now. Its been a month he said he doesn’t love me any more and he has become the heartless guy. I am shocked that he uses same words for him i used before ( he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t want me in his life, he doesn’t support me emotionally, he is losing me). I think my “mean” words really affected his depressed mind and made him more depressed instead of helping him I was pushing him further away. He is suffering from depression since a long time because of family matters. I wanted to help him so i used to ask him whats wrong with you and he always responded with “i don’t know” . We had decided to marry each other years ago. He proposed me for marriage and I was very happy with him. We were just not ready to support ourself financially so we decided to marry after we both get stable jobs. But something has changed in between. May be the struggle made him depressed along with my “mean” words 🙁 He stopped talkong to me for about a month we didn’t have any contact not even message. After that i tried to contact him he said he was having some problems in his family(with parents) But didn’t told me the exact problem.
      I don’t want to blame myself here but i don’t know he made me think that I am guilty for everything bad that is happening in his life. We have been together for 8 years. I wish I could help him but one day he broke up with me because I don’t mean anything other than just a tension in his life. Since then I am crying like each and everyday in shower(i live with my parents). I don’t know how to get him back . I want him to recover from his illness and become the same person i fell in love with. I am following a 30 day no contact rule right now but I am afraid if he felt good after this he would think that I was the only reason behind his mental condition( hope that’s not true). I really want him to recover. I don’t know what to do without him.

      • Really says:

        You need longer than 30 days. Untreated depression lasts 8mths if you google research reports worldwide on average. It’s a physical illnesss that blurs the mind. Unless he is medicated it is like a walking coma for 8mths. There is NOTHING u can do do get him out of it and u can be a main trigger for him. The only thing u can do is 1. Accept there is 8mths u will be shut out of his life and u will have to manage completely on your own. That’s quite hard to do when people are in denial but if u realise this it will help you. Make a Diary of the next 8mths of outings holidays with friends and family and books to read. Use it as time for u rather than rejection. 2. Always tell him u love him and u are there for him when he gets through it and it will be okay. He will NOT Listern as that is the last thing he wants to hear but in a weird twist it is exactly what he needs to hear. To know I will wait out the time of his blur will comfort him. He will slowly start lifting out of it in 8mths where he will slowly reach out to u. It is extremely hard for them to reach back and sometimes they don’t have the courage as when it lifts they remember how they treated people and get very embarrassed. It’s like dating all over again. Life makes couples grow apart regardless to depression. If u spend 8mths on your own u may by given the freedom meet someone else, find new life interests and may decide he is not what u want or vice verse with him. However this is nothing to do with depression and is about finding yourself. Unfortunately people that are depressed are very fake and haven’t found their true self or sit comparable with it which is why they are so miserable in relationships or feel they are wrong. A breakdown helps show them who they are again good or bad. It’s a big lesson and journey and who knows the outcome. Silent treatment won’t work it’s not about punishing them. However u must set boundaries of no cheating etc in the space period or they will use it as an excuse. Set boundaries and give it 8mths. It’s February now and they usually go under in late November and start lifting august sept. So ur half way through the hard bit already. Don’t get upset by it and use it as a chance to find ur own happiness.

  53. An says:


    It has been a real eye opener to read all of your comments. I was dating someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. We were together for 10 months. After one massive fight 5 months into our relationship he came out and told me he thought he was suffering from depression and his behaviour was due to that. Till that point he had never given me any cause for concern and was the man of my dreams. He constantly told me how madly in love he was with me, pursued me, and convinced me to give him a chance (he is considerably older than me). He made all sorts of promises and was ready to take on the world. Post that fight where he told me about his depression things between us changed. He started getting moody and distant. Every time I asked him about his promises and plans for our future (we had a long distance relationship) he snapped and pushed me further away. We would get into arguements and he would cut off and become incommunicado for days no matter how worried or upset I was. I would often have to get his Mum involved, as she is the only person he would respond to. Finally after all the pull and push I got frustrated and ended things. As soon as things ended he seemed relieved. He began acting like he was glad things ended, began saying he didnt love me, he had been feeling trapped and suffocated for a long time and wanted to disassociate with everyone. He didnt know what he wanted in life, he couldnt handle a relationship due to his past relationship hurt and he couldnt see any point in life. I tried to get him to change his mind about us, but he would keep saying he didnt know what he wanted anymore. All through this he refused to get help even though he knew it was damaging him and me. Most days he will refuse to even acknowledge he has depression as he thinks people will think he is ‘cuckoo’ (a term he uses to describe himself). All the while he was battling his inner demons he didnt utter a word to me (this continued for 5 months). He would still behave like he wanted a future with me and keep making promises to that effect. Only when I ended things did he tell me the truth. He keeps justifying all his bad behaviour to the depression and keeps telling me I do not understand how he feels. When I asked him to get help so he could articulate his feelings better to me and educate me on how to behave around him when he felt down he refused. He now lives his life like we never dated, like he was never interested in me and like he never made any promises of this future. I feel like I have been discarded without a second thought and like I wasnt good enough. He has such flares in temper and says such hurtful things when we argue, that I feel like he isnt the man I fell in love with, as this man is just vile. And like many others have stated, I have been there for him in his dark moods, supported him, calmed him down. He believes it is his depression, but I believe he is as responsible for hurting me, for not acknowledging his hurtful actions. I tried to stay friends, because I knew what a wonderful kind soul he could be and knew he needed a friend as no one besides me knows how he feels as he hides it from his family, friends and work colleagues. But his erratic behaviour lately has taken such a toll on my own self esteem and my own well being. After reading all of the comments I realise I need to cut all ties as he will continue to treat me badly because he thinks his behaviour is part of his illness and not something he personally does.

  54. Ben says:

    Hi. My fiance left me last March very suddenly. No argument nothing. She said she’d fallen out of love with me. She moved back in with her parents. Cut all ties with her close friends and just turned into a cruel emotionless person. We had been together 11 years. She had previously had a really tough few months. Problems at work etc. It turned out she had general anxiety disorder. Anyway…just like magic…she came back 8 weeks later….and we agreed to get back together, postpone the wedding and concentrate on us and her. Last September October time I actually thought we are getting somewhere here. We will be ok. Only a few days into November she came to me and said her anxiety was really bad again. I’d noticed she had not been sleeping well but it turned out that she had not slept at all in 3 nights. One night, she started hallucinating and saying there was demons coming out of the wall and trying to get her. This lasted a good 2 hours. I just held her and eventually calmed her down. We went to our gp the next day and she was given a course of tablets and signed off work for 3 months. She was clearly not well but leading up to Xmas there were small signs of improvement. Then…she said she needed space and went to her mums. No reason given. Just one night at first..then 2 and then….she didn’t come back. She ended it with me 2 weeks ago. Same scenario….States she had fallen out of love with me. My heart has literally been shattered. Again. I love this girl with everything I have. Her parents dont understand mental illness…they find it embarrassing. I don’t know what to do…..

  55. Krista says:

    I’m currently losing my boyfriend of 2 years who is also my best friend of 15 years. We are now in our mid 30s. He’s always had some anxiety and depression symptoms and was treated for them consistently. He grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive father who I’m sure is bipolar. His paternal grandmother also had bipolar disorder and was abusive.

    He’s had some rough relationships over the years with abuse and he’s under stress with work often. I know those things have effected him as well. He struggles with self esteem and has been a compulsive shopper at times.

    We have been friends for so many years. No one knows him like I do and no one knows me like he. We share a special bond and after years of dating others we suddenly realize together is where we belonged. We’ve had a very good relationship. Love and laughter, supporting each other. There has been a few episodes of depression and he pulls back a little, but I let him know I’m there and he’s seen his doctor and things get better. They often occur when he is home on work vacation, as he still lives with his parents and his father starts in on him.

    Over the last few months the anxiety was so bad the Dr added a new med, and while this decreased the anxiety attacks it started increasing the depression and the feeling of not caring if he lived. The dr has referred him to a Psychiatrist who he sees soon as the appointments were booked out 4 months. He felt he was suffering with bipolar depression.

    During Christmas break his depression was growing. He got to the point I wouldn’t hear from him unless I messaged him. When he returned to work he was overwhelmed and then he has a huge car expenses he couldn’t afford and it was enough to push him over the edge. He told me he didn’t know what he wanted anymore because nothing made him happy. He couldn’t tell me if he wanted to be together or not. He told me that he wanted me in his life, but not sure how. I told him that I needed to be honest and was heartbroken and couldn’t go back to being his friend. That I needed to be fair and take care of myself too. He told me that he wasn’t sure if it was the depression talking, his heart talking or his mind talking so he didn’t want to give me an answer and make a mistake.

    My sole hurts for him and for me. I love him, but have no idea what’s coming next or if I should stay or go. This blog has help at least understand that it’s not anything I did and the ugly face of depression talking. I am grateful that he had at least not blamed me and knows it’s something he needs to fix. Thank you for letting me share. It helps me deal

    • Gina says:

      I really feel you. My boyfriend of two years, we are both in late twenties and were planning to get married, was suffering from anxiety and some form of depression for more than 4 years without treatment or help. When we got together i supported him and i took him to a psychiatrist so he can get help. He was on antidepressants. He kept telling me to get engaged and to move in together however I kept saying that i wanted to finish my masters degree first and then we can do that. We were also actively trying to have a baby! Everything seemed fine. Until new years eve that he got really upset because he wanted us to get engaged and I kept saying later and i wasn’t ready to commit. And that we should get engaged or thats it.
      The next day, he broke up with me. He told me that he loves me but that love alone is not enough. He said he is not happy. And that he is losing his smile day by day. And that that was the end.
      I tried to make him change his mind but he didn’t even want to discuss it. He didn’t want to see me. Or talk to me. Ever again.
      The last month he started taking a different brand of antidepressants, some stronger ones…and i am afraid the new meds had a lot to do with his behaviour.
      He was telling me that he wants us to get married just the previous day!! That’s so NOT normal.
      I feel aweful. And i am trying to be strong. Please be strong as well. I hope you will be happy again very soon. You deserve it.

  56. lillywaters says:

    Thank you for posting about this.
    I have been with my fiance for 12 years, he deals with depression or even possible bi-polar. I know it can be hard to deal with the emotional shifts for people who suffer from these issues but often times I do feel like the partner is not looked at or talked about. That we should just accept any second could be a different person walking in from another room.

    That we have to accept the verbal abuse that comes out of them when they have an episode. And while I often times can put up walls during this time period or have a thicker skin there are some days where I am worn down and what is said cuts very deeply. Yes they can go out and come back saying sorry but there comes a time they have to learn or gain the tools to deal with these episodes before they damage their partner. If they do not I fear a good chunk of the partners will break and have a hard time to pick up their own pieces after an attack.

    It is good to know that someone out there understands we all have to accept what we say to one another and try our best to repair what was broken and not just with a simple sorry. Sometimes I do want to vent right back at him but it only seems to feed it so a lot of times I bottle it up.

    • Fred says:

      Don’t accept poor behavior! I look back on a previous relationship and wonder why in the world my ex didn’t stand up for herself – codependency, through and through. She should have stood up for herself not only for her own protection, but because I continued to think my behavior was acceptable. By accepting maltreatment, you’re sending the message to your partner (and to yourself!) that it’s okay to treat you poorly. Illness is no excuse for abuse, something I wish I had learned much earlier in my life.

      Incidentally, I’m envious that you stick around. I learned the hard way and in my most recent relationship did my utmost to always be upfront about when I was feeling ill and made it explicit that my ex had nothing to do with it. She left me anyway.

      Good luck.

    • mark says:

      Same thing, abusive partner. Gets drunk binge drinking, wont admit it and is a nightmare to be with. Every thing my fault. I got high blood pressure problems and a broken heart.What do you do, move on its hard but no point staying in a relationship like this. Sorry thing is that they will do it with some one else and mess their minds and life up. I dont know the answer other than breaking up. I am getting feed up looking on net at their problems. Look after yourself. Happy Christmas.

  57. Samantha says:

    HI. My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. everything was gong fine until I got depression and he did support me through the toughest time and then when I was feeling better within myself I went back to work and the second day back we had a very heated argument . after that he just stopped loving me. WE broke up a week later and I know live back with my mum and he heart tells him he wants me back but his head doesn’t want to get treated like that again. now I’m on the other side of depression I can see how much my hatred and abusiveness has affected him. I didn’t mean the things I did or said and I wish I could take everything back but I can’t. I can only apologies and his not willing to give me the chance to prove that it won’t happen again so what can I do. Yes, we can move on but when I saw him last he was saying how much he missed me and he still gives me compliments. I just think his mind is fractured and hurt by my actions. I don’t know if we will ever reconcile but I do plan on writing him a letter just so I can get my feelings across. to apologise and ask for his forgiveness . Maybe in time he’ll want me back but he thinks I’m still acting out of anger when I’m actually acting out of hurt that the man I thought I was going to marry has broken my heart . I know in this relationship were bother not innocent but i do owe him an apology . Is there anything else I can try to win the heart of my ex back as I can see the love is still there. his eyes say it all.

    • Angelo says:

      At least you are acknowledging , the things that hurt your partner, and realised it was wrong , that is a start , depression is an awful illness, and being an ex partner of an depressed woman , it is not nice on the receiving end , when all you are trying to do is to make life easier and showing your love for them

      I don’t blame the person I blame the illness , which does warp your mind and change you

      Keep telling you partner that you have acknowledged you hurt him , and hopefully he will learn to trust your words

    • Anonymous says:


      I would suggest that in your letter of apology for “hatred and abusiveness” toward your ex, don’t just ask for forgiveness (and refrain from accusing him of breaking your heart) but also speak on what you’ve done to receive treatment/what you have learned from this whole situation. If your ex was supportive of you, his intention was probably not to break your heart just to protect his own. He may still love you, but even love must bow to self-respect. By not only expressing remorse but also showing you have taken steps to address the issues in your inner life that caused you to lash out/not be the partner you wanted to be towards him, you are showing that you have taken action to hopefully prevent these issues from affecting your relationships this way again, and respectfully allow him to decide if he would like to take the “risk” of opening himself to you again.

      Sometimes we are blessed in life to receive second chances. Sometimes we are not, but there is always a lesson and sometimes the lesson itself is a second chance. If you cannot reconcile with your ex, there will be another man in your life eventually and this experience will remind you to be a good steward of not only your own wellbeing but the love of your partner.

      Thank you for sharing! Good luck!

  58. Kristin says:

    Hi Again,

    So it is 6 weeks in and it is now to the point where I do not hear from him unless I text first (since last week). This was due to questioning him too much about his weekend plans and he blew up on me. He has been nice since and I saw him yesterday, but he would barely look at me. It’s so hard not knowing his daily plans. He tells me he barely looks at his phone anymore. Sigh. I know he loves and cares for me, but scares me how long he will take to come out of this and he may never get his feelings for me back. Question: I know they do not feel much anymore for their partners (like numb or feels as if they do not like us anymore), but we obviously still feel everything for them. Does this mean that when we think of the good times, the memories, the love, the missing them, the attraction, etc. that they lose all of that as well? Because we sit there and cry daily for them, in pain, and while they are in their own worse pain, it’s like they do not seem to even think much about us or have those feelings anymore. So is that why it’s easier for them to just walk away and hide away from us? They do not worry we would find someone else, since in their mind, they feel they are, in a sense, over us? Even if deep down and once this clears, they are not?

    This is so frustrating. I heard this takes 6-9 months to clear as well….. He still has things at our apt and the apt key, so maybe he is not giving up and wants to hold on to some things to come back later, or wishful thinking?? He was saying he loved me every day last week and now no contact.

    • Eva says:

      Hi Kristin,

      Your case reminds me so much what I am going through now with my partner (ex now). How are the things now?

      • Kristin says:

        Hi Eva

        Not good 🙁 he doesn’t contact me at all now and his family started deleting me off social media. Guess he’s just done with me. Stupid disease. How far are you into this?

        • Natalia says:

          Dear Kristin!Hello and I am very sorry for all your problems!
          My boyfriend just brake up with me for exachly the same reason like yours.
          The time he been a little boy he been abused so badly by his alcoholic parents.
          Now he is living with his abusive mom who makes his life totally hell.
          He suffering from anxiety and depression and he told me today he is lost him self.And he is trying to find him self back.I am totally shocked and heart broken.
          He also told me he likes to be a friend .
          Kristin!In this situation the best thing we can do to be a very supportive and patiently wait come back.
          I strongly believe our love ones coming back to us.
          We need to give them a space.
          I will pray for you happiness and please pray for me too.
          Keep the Faith!!!!God is going to help us!
          Happy days will come back.
          Be a positive!!!

  59. Lindsay says:

    Wow. Reading all of these posts help me realize I am not alone in dealing with a depressed partner. Some days I think I’m going crazy because of illogical events that have occurred. It’s been so hard to talk to friends and family who just don’t understand.

    My boyfriend has been struggling with depression and anxiety for the past 10 years. In the 2 years we’ve been together, he’s been nothing but perfect and we get along great together. The depression and anxiety was never an issue until 2 months ago when had a major episode (which had no apparent trigger). Since then it’s been a downward spiral with episodes getting more and more severe and have now escalated to the point of suicide.

    Like many of you have stated in your comments, he seems to have no recollection of the irritable outbursts, irrational behavior, or delusional thoughts exhibited during his depressive episodes. There is no remorse, no apology, no thank yous, no acknowledgement of his actions. One minute he’ll be the man I fell in love with, the next minute he’ll be out of control. He does not seem to understand the psychological trauma it causes me to receive his suicidal phone calls, find him unresponsive, being asked to bring a gun over to kill himself with, or delusions that I’m going to physically assault him and his dogs. Depression or not, nobody deserves to be treated like that!

    He can no longer handle a relationship because he can no longer handle himself. I was the one person there to support him through all his ups and downs and suicide attempts, but I am the first to be abandoned. It all feels very cold. He has chosen to withdraw and isolate because “he is a burden”. He is upset that he upset me, but cannot rationalize what I am upset about. 2 years together, and he acts like I never existed. I feel used and worthless.

    • Kristin says:

      Lindsey – so sorry to hear what you’re going through. My “ex” if you call him that has threatened suicide too, but not in an extreme way. I think his is more passive just when he gets irritated at me for saying something he doesn’t like (which is a lot since he gets easier defensive & reads into everything). I haven’t heard from him since early Friday afternoon. We got into an argument via text over a couple of qs I had. We can’t ever win. He wants to speak to me about his thoughts & vent, etc., but I want to ask qs or talk about things & he freaks out. I know what you mean with feeling used & worthless. I feel like we put so much into a relationship, only for them to walk away so easily. The thing is, it’s not “easy” for them at all, and they’re in deep pain, but on our end we are left confused, broken-hearted, sad, missing them, wishing they would just be themselves again, and they can act like none of the memories matter. And I know it’s so hard on them, but also hard on us & hard for us to fully grasp it all. Keep me posted on your status. I’m in week 5 and he started a new medicine about 3 weeks ago. Hang in there. I know it’s tough 🙁

      • Lindsay says:

        Any update Kristin?

        After 3 months of acting like I didn’t exist (and him going into total isolation) he reached out to me about a month ago bc his dog was seriously injured. I was nice about it and asked if he needed help with anything, no biggie. Later that night the conversation quickly switched to him trying to convince me to come over bc he was upset, needed a hug, and wanted some “playtime”. I could tell he had been drinking and politely said no. The next morning I called him out on it to say how inappropriate it was for him to ask that after 3 months of acting like I didn’t exist. Tells me how mean I am and that I don’t support his recovery.

        2 weeks later he walks into my office all chatty Cathy like we’re bffs again. Again, I try talking to him all nice and calmly about it the next day and he blows up again.

        2 weeks later I send him a text saying I was proud of him bc he had a noticeable difference in demeanor and was talking to people again… something that’s been gone since last May when the depression started kicking in.

        Since then he’s been very hot & cold. One day up one day down. Yesterday awesome conversation, today (Valentines Day) zip. It’s very emotionally draining.

        I often wonder if these are signs the depression is starting to break.

        • Kristin says:

          He’s a cheating jerk. He’s moved on, and I saw his mom post a selfie, and in it was a pic of my ex with his new girlfriend and her kids smiling like some happy family on a canvas picture hanging in his mom’s living room. Sick! We have only been apart since October. Best of luck to you!! I think you should move on. They’re loss and you need to get away from it! I loved him and did everything for him and we were so close, best friends. Then abruptly breaks up with me? To move on with an Insta family and I’m left behind? So cold 🙁

  60. Kristin says:

    When does this get easier? About a month ago I was blindsided and devastated when my boyfriend said he was “unhappy” and “broken”. I confronted him on his intense irritability with me and snappiness and he spilled everything. He said all of these things that came out of nowhere. Our relationship was not perfect (as no ones is), but it was pretty good, or so I thought. I thought it was all me. I kept running fights we had in my head, wishing I wouldn’t have said this or maybe said this more. That I should have done this or that, and been more positive or less naggy about certain things. However, I then thought back to he was not perfect himself. He would get a temper easily, snap at me, roll his eyes over silly stuff, etc. And that our fights were pretty normal, even if some were unnecessary with my insecurities. My friend pointed out that some of his actions reminded her of her husband and his depression moods. It was then that I began researching so many things on depressions and relationships, which brought me to this site.

    I cannot believe the amount of stories that sound almost identical to mine. I have been reading and commenting on others posts for a while, but finally making my own. Even realizing that it is depression as the cause, it does not make the situation much better. He has moved into his mom’s, wants space, texts less some days and more others (but does text daily and says he loves me still), and acts like a completely different person. He did something that I NEVER thought he would do. I had been reading about how some men do uncharacteristic things, such as start behaving badly to find an escape. He lied to me about where he was and who he was with. He was hanging with a girl “friend” that he used to work with when he first start dating me. She was recently divorced. I was sick to my stomach and said some really mean things, depressed or not. I made him feel terrible. He has hung out with her AGAIN. He insists they are just friends and she is nice to talk to. He said she may like him, but he does not want to move on with her. He loves me, wants me to fix myself (just things I can work on), while he fixes himself and then fix us. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I understand that men and women need attention or seek excitement and opposite sex attention within depression sometimes, but I wish they would understand it’s only short term excitement, and they can lose something amazing.

    My stomach has hurt nonstop for a month, chest pounding, crying daily, severe anxiety every morning – the worst time for me, I have vomited a couple of times, I keep replaying memories in my head. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I have to stay in the apartment that we got together, staring at the things we bought together, and watching the shows on the recorder that we used to watch together. I am seeing a therapist, speaking a lot to friends, getting in shape, eating better, reading forums and books, and trying my best to focus on myself, but he was and still is the love of my life.

    I am SO ANGRY that this disease even exists. I read somewhere that men in depression don’t do well with fights, so they get pushed away even in normal fights and relationships, and even if him and I never fought at all, this still would have happened. I know it is not my fault, but it does not help things. I am so sick of feeling sad, sick, and missing him. Why did this have to happen to us? He seemed so loving towards me in August, then mid-September after getting on Zoloft he was some different person. I knew things had been building up this past year, but now I know why, his depression has been growing stronger. He said he has felt this broken feeling for 20 years. I am so sad for him and sad for our relationship. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He still reaches out to me, says he loves me, and even tonight we are seeing a movie. But, my biggest fear is no matter what, he will move on in one way or another. Whether it’s with that girl, or he gets the help he needs and still does not want to be with me. I will be devastated all over again if that’s the case. Sorry so long. If anyone is still out there reading these boards, please reach out. I could use someone who is in my situation.

    • cslkan says:

      My partner left me last night. Three days before, we had our first big fight where he messed up, and I could have gone easier on him, but I got incredibly sad, and he spiralled down into self-hatred. He says that him loving me isn’t enough, love isn’t enough, he can’t handle being in a relationship right now.
      I’ve been married to a partner with borderline personality disorder, and when I met my now-ex, he told he had been depressed for years but he learned to manage it. two months into the relationship, it suddenly hit him again, and he changed from super caring to less-caring and irritable, all things I understand are the depression.
      I can’t go through this again, like I had to after my divorce. I’m spiralling down into deep depression myself at the moment. We had plans to move abroad, live together. It was a new relationship, 5 months, but it felt very healthy, mature, loving. I know I needed more contact than he on a daily base, needed to seem him more than he did me, but I thought I could learn to deal with that. I don’t understand how he can want all those things one day, and still let me go the next.
      I could really use your words too. Maybe we can support each other. Right now, I don’t want to wake up again tomorrow.

      • Kristin says:

        Hi csklan,

        So sorry to hear of your situation. Especially having gone through it already with your ex. I now think back to the ex before my current one and he did similar things, now I know it was probably depression. I had bad luck back to back myself. I can definitely see what you’re going through. Just think like I’ve finally been thinking – it’s definitely not us. It’s their depression. I still get so frustrated & want to just have him “snap” out of it, but I know that’s not how depression works. People tell me to take care of myself, and I am. I go to therapy, hang with friends, work, watch lots of tv, etc., but I still miss him & want him back enjoying the shows & movies with me.
        I sympathize with you and your plans with him. I assumed we would be getting engaged, buying a home and having a baby all within the next year & a half. And then this happened. I’m so heartbroken. He just texted me as I was typing this. He always texts me daily, but never wants to do things together. I know it shows he loves me, but just can’t handle being around me. Does yours text at all? I also needed more time with him whereas he was fine doing stuff with friends more often.
        Please, don’t bring yourself down into depression. I’m trying not to myself. Watch your favorite show or movie & message me 🙂 hugs!

        • cslkan says:

          He does’t contact me at all.
          I went to his place yesterday morning as soon as I woke up to talk, and he is convinced he can#t do a relationship right now, regardless of his feelings for me, and that he has to be selfish and take care of himself. He says it’s too much to handle the pressure and responsibilities of a relationship, whereas I never realised it was pressure at all. I should have. Just days before he said I was the best part of his life and that he wants to be with me.
          after I saw him yesterday he had to leave for work and I was unable to walk away. I stood outside his door until he left, he came out of the building, gave me hug and he seemed all normal and ready for life, and I went back into the building and sat on his staircase for hours until a friend came and got me. I texted him therapists, that we could try things, that I would try anything, tried calling him, and I know none of this helps, and as expected he responded to nothing.
          He’s better off without me in his life, apparently.
          I have to go to work today and I don’t know how to keep moving my body from one space to the other. He’s not the kind of man that goes back and forth, I believe. He made his decision. He left me. Even though he wanted this relationship, he couldn’t see our plans and life anymore, and I don’t understand how those things disappeared in a matter of days.

          • Kristin says:

            Just keep remembering just like I have to do, it’s not us, nor them, it’s their illness. They become selfish & have to focus on themselves. It changes them drastically. My “ex” (we never said broken up), texts me daily, but we got into it yesterday over him Not liking a reply of mine & his defense was high. So haven’t heard from him since. He said sorry for fighting though. He’s now trying to say that he’s unhappy outside of depression with me as well. I do not buy it. No way would he have texted me daily, sent pictures, worried about what I was up to, vented to me etc. if he didn’t want me in his life. So I finally am giving him actual space (not quite 24 hours yet). Funny thing is I was trying to this past 3 weeks, but he will message me first. Guess not this weekend. I keep thinking he will hang with his friend (a girl). He said he’s hanging alone today, but I never know what to think.
            Here’s to you, that your guy contacts you once he realizes that it’s not you & his mind is more clear. I am wishing the same on my end. It’s definitely heartaching to endure though.

            I just keep thinking, when will he come out of this fog. Hopefully quickly. But reading many things, probably not. He does take meds & has therapy soon.

    • Lindsay says:

      The part of your story that got me was “he seemed so loving towards me in August, then mid-September after getting on Zoloft he was some different person”.

      I too am in a very similar situation. My perfect boyfriend became a monster literally overnight when he started a new dosage. This is when the depressive episodes began spiraling out of control. The irritability, the irrational thoughts and delusions, the outbursts directly coincided to the day they adjusted his meds. He’d have a big episode, then take 2-3 days to calm down, be perfect again, and then BOOM another episode. Now it’s to the point of suicide. He’s truly turned into a terrible person to be around.

      They’ve since adjusted his meds. Now he’s doped up beyond belief. He considers this to be a good thing since he no longer feels suicidal… he no longer feels anything… and that includes love for me. It’s been very sad to see him experience all of this knowing there is nothing I can do or say to help him. One day he’s perfect and we’re madly in love, the next day “he’s a huge burden” and pushes me away. It’s been one devastating rollercoaster ride.

      • cslkan says:

        All of your partners seems to have contacted you again, and mine doesn’t.. Last night something awful happened on my way home, I forced myself to be out and with people and I saw a therapist myself to cope better, and on the train home 3 men were attacking another guy and I jumped in-between to stop them and one of them sprayed with me pepper-spray. The police got involved, I had to give a statement and a description and everything and I have no idea what even happened to the guy that initially got attacked. My first instinct after the whole mess was to call him, to talk him, and I wrote him if I please could, because he is still my person, and I wrote what happened, and he didn’t respond to any of it. He wants me out of his life, I can’t believe the depression can be so so deep that his care for my wellbeing is also completely gone, even if we are not together anymore.
        I’m so desperate to have him contact me, to give us a second chance, talking to the therapist yesterday helped me realise a lot about his depression and the things I did wrong.
        I just wish he could allow me to stand by him while he figures his stuff out.

      • cslkan says:

        Maybe he doesn’t contact me because he truly believes he made the right choice, because he made the healthy decision for himself to only take care of himself, and I can’t do anything but respect that. What is wrong with me then wanting him back, wanting back even the miserable parts, being unable to cope facing a life without him.
        I struggle so much with the idea that all these months he kept telling me he wanted to be with me, even Sunday he reassured me I was the best part of his life and he would be crazy to let that go, and boom, Wednesday he is convinced he can’t do it, he doesn’t see a future anymore, he can’t be the man he needs to be, etc. etc. I know I keep repeating myself here and I’m sorry for that, I’m not offering anyone any help here, I just don’t know what else to do.

      • Kristin says:

        Lindsey – yes! I look back & think he’s had differences in him this past year or so as far as easily irritable, but he’ll still mostly be his normal self. We will laugh, joke, go on dates, shop, all the normal stuff. We went on vacation the end of July & he was irritable towards me the last day lashing out at me about something that wasn’t even my fault. Throughout the year he would say he’s a failure and can’t do anything right towards me. So I think (and my therapist says) that he must have depression that never goes away, but that can all the sudden hit bad spells, which is now. So he got on meds for anxiety again (he got off them last time do to no libido & wasn’t really helping him anyhow). I never knew he had depression though. Thought just anxiety. In August he was so good to me. Got me roses, so cuddly & sweet. That’s when he first got on the meds. Not sure if had to do with the meds or just feeling more loving. Right before our September European vacation he was his normal self. Once we got on the plane he became so irritable. Nitpicking about everything I did, rolling his eyes, smart alic, criticism towards me about my looks (things he used to love about me), dirty looks etc. I was so upset as it felt this vacation would be long with him being that way. He kept on his phone most of the time, didn’t want to take pictures with me, just being mean. I finally said something towards the end of the trip & that’s when he blew up. Then it hit me about his medicine (it was the prime time for it to kick in). How can someone go from loving a couple of weeks before to this monster? Couples all have problems. You work it out, not leave. And the thing is, that’s why I know this is the depression.

        He kept reminding me that he does love me and even said it every night. Now, nothing since Friday. I wonder if he’ll reach out soon. I’m trying not to though. Does yours speak to you? Does he ever say anything nice?

    • Jacqueline says:

      Hi there, you are in an abusive relationship and have been so utterly worn down by this man you don’t see it. Love isn’t meant to hurt. He is on a cycle of destruction and knows that you are there waiting whatever he does, even getting close to another female safe in the knowledge that you are going to be there. STUFF THAT! Come on sister, deep breath, shoulders back and get back your mojo and self respect.

      I say this from experience. Spent 10 years with a manic depressive and naively thought my love would save him. Had the most turbulent life with his endless short temper, negativity, irrational behaviour, jealousy, verbal abuse, misery and blame. I ended up losing hair, confidence, priorities and focus and only after many many tears, despair and desperation I decided to take charge and gain control of my life. We all deserve better. We all deserve love that’s pure and true. We deserve support. We deserve kindness and tolerance. You won’t ever get this. You’ll get the scraps that he feels like giving you. Take charge of your life before its too late….PLEASE XX

    • Amy says:

      My partner left me 4 months ago and we had no contact at all until yesterday out of blue he rings me and says he made a mistake and still loves me and no one can make him happy like I did. I’m just so confused, he pushed me away and went to another girl. And now I don’t know what to do 🙁 as we still have that connection that we had…

  61. marie says:

    hello, i’ve just gone through something very similar, although it was a LDR.
    My ex-bf (well “would have been” bf) lost all feelings for me two months in, despite admitting to falling a bit in love with me prior to that. He appears to be suffering from severe depression. He’s also been seeing a psychotherapist since beginning of year. As our relationship (or contact- we weren’t really in a relationship) got more distant he talked about feeling numb, indifferent, not himself, listless, plus not interested in seeing friends. He has also got serious self-hatred issues.

    I tried to end it a few times after he got all distant and weird & once he threatened to kill himself in response. Which I found totally scary . He later dumped me via text claiming he didnt’t want to hurt me (this fear of hurting me came up again and again towards the end- basically him saying he didn’t love me).
    He then came back saying he had cried for a day and a half so that “must mean something.”
    He later told me, amongst other things, that after after the first time he dumped me, he almost came to my city to propose “because he knows im good for him”. He also sent a pic of himself crying whilst dumping me, which was super strange.
    Then we made plans for him to visit me, so he could at least see each other again (first time in 1.5 months) & figure out his feelings. But after a while I just got pissed off with the whole thing, (the change in him- from sweet and loving to sounding like a robot & taking no interest in my life whatsoever).
    I then kind of forced it to end by telling him he was being a douche and went pretty crazy. His predictable response was to cancel his visit and dump me, very melodramatically by text, saying he couldn’t be in a relationship “right now” as he had too much “crap in his head”, felt “numb” and “heartless”, “asexual”, “not like himself” & that the “nicer person” who he had been when I met him had “either died or was sleeping”. That he hoped he would come crawling back to me one day, and that if we had a future it was “not now” and kept going on about me “letting go” of him (although he had actually been the one to keep it going). He didn’t come back this time.

    I’ve been sleeping with someone else since then (not a bf but a fwb thing), but the whole thing still bugs me a lot, because i invested in it more than I should. Yesterday- I set the location on a dating app I use to his hometown (reminded me why internet stalking is NEVER good and why I don’t normally do it 🙂 ) and lo, there he was, with a new profile which i guess he must have made straight after he ended it with me (or possibly just before) & was active a few days ago.

    I felt super bad for stalking, but was also furious, because although I accepted he had ended it, I assumed it was mainly because of his depression. I genuinely thought the guy was just really messed up & confused.

    I then (stupidly) confronted him about the dating site on whatsapp, and he responded that he was “bored and wanted to compare it to Tinder” and wasn’t writing to anyone and currently had no plans to meet anyone (i.e in total denial). Obviously total BS answers. That he “didn’t have to justify himself” – I would agree with him on that front- what he does with women now is his business, EXCEPT he wasted SO much of my time (for no apparent reason- he wasn’t into me anymore, so why keep it going?) , then lied completely at the end- leaving me trying to work out what went wrong, instead of just being straightforward.

    He then added “just so you know, i’m not well at all ” and then “I like you, but i can’t do this anymore” blocked me. The same man who 1.5 months ago, had begged me not to end it….

    ultimately, my point is, I think all this can’t be blamed on depression.

    I think people who are severely depressed and numb, and unable to be in a relationship, do not sign up to dating websites as soon as they dump a partner, unless they are open for something new.
    Yes, it means I meant less to him than I thought. Painful stuff.

    I think though, that perhaps us blaming the depression is a way of us avoiding facing the truth (And in some ways delays us getting over them and moving on, which is not helpful) That we simply can’t accept that these people, who once seemed so into us & reciprocated our feelings or a while, just aren’t any more, for whatever reason. Yes, depression can cause loss of feelings, withdrawal and breakups. But it sure as sh*t doesn’t make someone create new profiles on dating websites or go out looking for new partner and sex, if they are numb or still have any feelings for the dumpee at all. It’s a clear sign that he or she just wasn’t that into you (anymore).

    Better face the truth and look after yourself. You are the one to focus on, not some douchebag who doesn’t care anymore.

    • Sandy says:

      Did we date the same guy? My relationship was also a LDR. My ex swept me off my feet, convinced me that Imwas his “soulmate”, that he loved me and wanted to marry me one day.

      He was upfront about the depression and anxiety issues that he had suffered. He often told me how emotional he was and would also send those crazy pics of himself crying. One day, I was completely blindsided by the breakup. Told that he was “emotionally dead”, “numb” and depressed and that he couldn’t be good for anyone. I was devestated and asked too many questions which pushed him away further. After giving him space, I would still receive texts every week or so updating me on how crummy his life was and how I should move on. I have decided to not respond to anymore of his texts as I have a hunch he is talking to other women online. Is it really depression or just a confused messed up,guy?

      • Marie says:

        Hi Sandy-sorry you’ve also been through this crap.
        My answer is: both. He sounds very messed up & depressed but also like a douche. The two are not mutually exclusive. With hindsight I can say this guy I was seeing is an emotional mess but also an assclown. Being depressed isn’t an excuse for treating people badly. If you really meant something to him, he would still want you. Question is: would you want him? I think you can do a lot better TBH. He sounds awful. I know it hurts now, but in time, you’ll be glad he faded you out.

      • Marie says:

        Oh and it is odd how these guys behaved identically! Mines in Germany where I live tho. Perhaps they are distant cousins :-). Douchey cousins!

  62. JosieJ says:

    Dear John,

    as heartbreaking and as sad as most of the information and perspective you provided me with is, it is equally as helpful and an important part of healing my wounds.

    After being with someone who lives with and suffers from depression and being left this year for the third time I have come to understand — with your help that is — that my former partner has left me partly because he was/is in a depressive episode but also because he has not fully faced the fact the he is truly ill. He has not yet been able to take responsibility for his health as well as his actions which leave me deeply affected as well as traumatized.

    While he has been in therapy for nearly eleven years now, his therapist has failed to grasp the severity of what is going on as well as that he is depressed. She has diagnosed him — only this year I must add — with seasonal depression which is a farce and has not provided him with any resources or help of getting a proper diagnosis (for example there is a hospital that specializes in diagnoses regarding different forms of depression and therapy). Yet he himself has not taken responsibility in trying other methods besides seeing his therapist every once in a while.

    It is because of this and the understanding your site has provided me with that I have — four months after he has broken up with me again during an episode — decided not to initiate any contact. I have finally come to the understanding, that him leaving me is also him not facing up to his illness as well as what he has done to me. Leaving me is an escape that as of now I believe will not lead him to truly dealing with what is going on inside him. After all from his current perspective I am to blame for his state in the first place. Externalizing, I believe, will not change anything for him, giving his power away like this might actually make matters worse.

    While I am still deeply in love with this person and this choice is a tough one for me, I also know that he is not on the path of healing and he might not be for quite some time.

    I want to thank you sincerely for sharing your knowledge, experience and perspective!

  63. Kate says:

    Hello all. I wonder if anyone else has experience with a depressed partner resurfacing and apparently not knowing, understanding, or acknowledging the gravity of the pain their depressed actions, and in my case, disappearance cased.

    I (27) was in a brief relationship with a man (31) who lives with depression, but takes medication and goes to therapy. It hardly affected our relationship, until fairly suddenly he changed completely, denied there was a problem, and pushed me away without ever actually ending it. After a particularly hurtful incident I gave up, and he never tried to contact me. I assume all of this (which was four months ago) had to do with his depression. I’ve since moved to a city a couple of hours away, and out to the blue he casually texts me to see how I am and tell me he “never meant to go that long without talking to” me. I don’t believe he knows I assume his disappearance had to do with his depression, but our few subsequent texts offered no explanation and reveal very little real awareness or understanding of what happened and how devastating and bizarre his behavior and disappearance were.

    Does anyone else have experience with this sort of flippancy? I don’t know if this is some sort of act or coping mechanism, or if we each have a very very different sense of the course of our involvement and what happened between us.

    • JosieJ says:

      I have been in a relationship with someone for about nine years and he broke up with me on the phone after the first six. He has had a quite severe depressed episode during this time and when I come to reflect upon that now I realize that even after we’ve gotten back together about twelve weeks after that traumatizing night, we never really made space to talk about how his depressed state has had an impact on his actions during that time. I personally have come to the understanding (at least that is how I make sense of it all) that partners who leave during acute episodes of depression have not fully grasped how real and destructive their illness really is. Leaving out of the blue — and somehow connecting their state of mind with you in one way or another — is a way of not dealing with the real issue at hand.

      So I think that not getting an explanation on this, that is helpful to you in any way, is quite common. Also I think it is important to keep in mind, that depression might not be part of your personal life experience and I think that makes it especially hard to be satisfied by any explanation.

      I hope you are feeling better after what you must’ve been through!

      • Kate says:

        Thank you for this, Josie. I see your own comment and gather that your own troubles with a depressed partner span much longer and no doubt deeper than my own, so thank you for humoring me with your thoughtful insights.

        I never anticipated that if he resurfaced it would hurt similarly to the way it did when he left, but his lack of recognition of what happened seems to communicate that he doesn’t care enough about me to take his disappearance seriously. I don’t know if a partner not fully grasping how real and destructive their illness really is, as you point out, translates to actually not caring about the pain they have caused, or if it is part of a messier package. And I guess I’ll never have a satisfying answer or explanation, but I sure wish I could have one, and I wish he would try.

        I’m sorry you’re letting go of someone you love.

        • JosieJ says:

          Kate, I know exactly how you feel.

          Personally I believe that it isn’t as much about not caring about you but rather being preoccupied with themselves. Even when my former and I reunited last time there wasn’t much space for me to voice my feelings. That was and is an incredibly hurtful experience to me. But looking back now I think that even when we were reunited he was still in his depressive episode, just on the other side of it (if that makes sense to you). In this state he was so relieved that he finally felt better, that nothing was of importance except his well being.

          Also thank you for your last words. They have given me so much, because that is what I am doing, I am actively making a choice to let go of someone I love. I am being deliberate and am making a choice: I choose myself. Thank you, for making that clear to me!

          • Kate says:

            Thank you, Josie.

          • That girl 102 says:

            As I read these it’s like I’m looking at my own life and what I’m currently facing. It’s terribly difficult for me right now. I’ve been in love with the same man for 11 years now. And we have been on and off for 11 years. We have a bond that I can’t even explain. That first love type of bond. A few years ago he changed I think that’s when the depression came in and that’s when he sought me out. He later confessed he sought me out so that I could make him happy he could not be happy himself and he realized that with me he had been at his happiest so he thought with me back in his life he would be okay. The relationship ended on a disastrous note. I did not know then that he suffered from depression. He would ignore me for days there was no going out and I got to the point where I was soo torn and I assumed that all of this was because of me I had done something. In the end we ended it I was hurt and traumatized. I managed to move on and find love again but he cheated on me so that ended too. Then at the beginning of this year my long term on and off ex resurfaced and we had an open talk he told me about his issues and that he was working on them. Had I know what I was really getting into I would have said no. Now 7 months in, he ignores me, will not talk to me it seems his friends are a priority more than me. And I am hurting. I wonder why I am still here but I am beginning the process of finding myself again. I love him with all my heart and I long for the man he was or long even more for him to realize that I accept him as he is and I wish we could just find a way to adapt and work or maybe I am delusional… I’m just lost right now and I’m trying to understand an un understandable situation.. do I leave and keep suffering or do I get courage and leave..

  64. PHOL says:

    Our same-sex couples have just broken-up.We had lived in the same home for five years.My spouse had told me before we committed that he was HIV-Infected .As a physician,it made me crying all the time for 1 week.At first,he didn’t want me to be with him but finally we were together.We have tried our best to keep our relationship.
    The former 4 years were very wonderful.
    The latter 1 year was so terrible for us.My dad was died from Cancer and I was pressured and got MDD.I have done 2 times of suicidal attempt.First time was just before the death of my dad.Second was about 2 months after my dad’s funeral.He had returned and comforted me.Then,I felt that I was not as happy as before.We have quarreled almost everyday.I have taken medications for 7 months and I was fired from 2 clinics I worked .
    Then,he said that he was so tired and really aggrieved from the things I always did to him.
    What can I do now to bring him back?I am so hopeless now because after I decided to lived with him that means I want to be with him and take of him untill we die.
    He said that he understood and forgived me but will never come back because he can’t be sure I will never make him cry again.
    So he said he is aggrieved,it means we still love each other but It is my fault.It is not really me.We expected I might be as the first 4 years and I am trying so hard to be recovered from MDD.
    How can I make him trust me and understand me?
    Now I am crying in my room all the time and I can’t get rid of many ways to committed suicide and wish to undo the last year.
    I hope he doesn’t really understand if he really get it,he might be back.I love him so much and never care what he is.

    Would you mind giving me some recommendations?

  65. Nia says:

    Someone please help.
    I’ve had depression for a long time but recently it had been so hard on me and my boyfriend, well now ex. I just broke up with him because I’ve been feeling terrible and the sadness is eating me up inside. I’m not sure what I did was wrong and if it’s too late to fix it. The past two days he hasn’t called or texted me (we don’t see each other during the week, and spend the days together on Sundays due to work). Today is Sunday, I looked at his Snapchat and I see he’s gone out to all of these places and hanging out with friends, he even went to a concert and never even told me. I literally have been lying in bed for days just crying and even when I go outside I am not entirely there. I really wanted him to support me and help me through this rut but recently he’s just ignored me. I broke up with him because it looked like he was having so much fun without me and maybe I’m just bringing him down. We’ve been together for a year now. I’m supposed to get antidepressants tomorrow, did I do the right thing by breaking up? Or should I try to talk to him again? Please contact me niabrown831 (at) gmail (dot) com I need help ASAP.

  66. Sierra says:

    I know this article is somewhat dated, but I am posting this anyway. Maybe someone can still help me.
    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I love him more than anything on the face of the planet.
    I’ve known since we first got together that he suffers from depression. I was not put off because I also suffer from depression. For this whole relationship we helped each other through all of our rough spots. His ex is crazy and nearly broke us up more then once. But we really see a future together. He is on SSRI’s and has found great success in them. Until a week ago.
    He wouldn’t answer his phone(texts or calls). I had no idea where he was and by the time he came home, it was nearly 4 a.m. After hours of panic attacks so bad he passed out, bouts of crying and refusing to talk to me, he finally told me that he was severely depressed. And that the last time he was this bad it took nearly 5 months to recover and that he didnt want to drag me through it. I suggested he see a professional and he denied it.
    We didnt know what to do so I left and went home to a whole other state to stay with my parents. I told them everything. My mom is suggesting that I give him a time limit to get professional help or I leave.I dont want to get sucked into the spiral of depression. I know he needs help and I probably do too (i’m working on it for me ) I want to stay with him and love him through it, but maybe it just isn’t the right time. I worry that even with help it wont work and he wont be himself ever again. Some days are good and he actually tries to contact me and he seems himself. I’m just having a really hard time and any advice helps greatly.

  67. Susie says:

    Hello, I randomly found this site while trying to find out what to do about my current situation. If anyone could please share some advise I would really appreciate it. Thank you!

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months up until a week ago. She decided to leave me because her depression has gotten worse and she says she feels nothing now, which makes it hard for her to feel anything for me. She tells me that I deserve better and that she doesn’t want to drag me along when she doesn’t know if she can promise me a forever. What makes it so confusing is that she tells me that she still loves me and that I’m too good for her. Shes told me she misses me but cant take me back out of impulse. I knew she was battling with depression when we first started dating and I told her it didn’t matter to be because I wanted to be with her no matter what. I still do. I love her more that I could explain, shes my world. She stopped taking her medication a while back and I think that’s why things have been going crappy between us. I don’t want to lose her, it would kill me but I also don’t want to make her unhappy by trying to fight this break up. What should I do? Should I fight for this relationship or am I supposed to let her walk away?
    Again, any kind of advice would be very helpful.

    • BFV says:

      I’m someone who is currently in a similar situation, except it was a “break up” about 4-5 months ago. It wasn’t really so much a break-up as it was that we stopped dating. Given her importance to me, I told myself that because I loved her, I would stick it out until I couldn’t. In the five months that we stopped dating, she hadn’t moved on to anyone else as I had feared but had started focusing on herself. I haven’t moved on either, and started to focus less on the relationship between her and I, but on her health. It was a rough 4 months. She was cold, distant, and could be very mean, but these were months sprinkled with confusing moments of endearment. She gave me a gift for my birthday and we had a couple of really nice dinners. Now it is the fifth month, and things are looking up. She’s hinted that because it’s been so long since we’d been close, we should start over with a friendship and work our way back up to a relationship. Not only that, our interactions have gotten much warmer and friendlier now.

      I can’t give you advice on whether or not you should fight for the relationship, that’s a decision only you can make. But I like to think that if you love someone, you’d stick it out at least a little bit for them, just like you’d hope that they’d stick it out for you if you were going through something.

      • S says:

        Im extremely happy that things have been looking up for you guys! Wishing you nothing but the very best in your situation (:

        Sadly for me, shortly after getting back together she called it off again but this time was way different. Her ex had came back in the picture and my ex became confused as to what she felt for me and her ex. She felt like she needed time to step back and figure out what exactly she wants.
        Its been a month since the break up and its been hell. It sucks that I still love her more than anything but theres nothing i can do. I know it would be stupid of me to wait for her to figure things out because if it was me there wouldn’t be a question but i feel like a part of me can’t help but still hope she comes back to me.

        I hope things are still good between you and your person.

        • BFV says:

          Thank you, really. We are still not dating, but honestly, I don’t really care about that now. Our interactions since December (now being the end of June) have gotten better, at least from my perspective. She’s had some terrible terrible nights, and I’m trying my best to support her, even though most of the time she tells me she neither wants nor needs the help. I will continue to try to be open and available to her if the need ever comes. That is not easy task, but I remain focused.

          I’m sorry to hear about your ex. Every situation and every outcome as a product of a cause is different. I cannot say if your actions are for the best or not; that’s for you to decide. But! I do wish that however things turn out for you you and your ex are able to find peace, in whatever form that may come. Depression can be so manic and turbulent, and it can be extremely difficult to be patient with someone going through it.

    • Tu says:

      I have same situation and exactly like BFV said, im trying to give my boyfriend space for him to think and also for myself. I love him so much and he is the first one I thinking about building up relationship with (and I had dated many before him). The hard thing with me is Im in distance relationship and I can’t do anything but wait for him.
      In this case, I suggest you just give her time and appreciated her decision. What meant to be will be!!! Don’t let go, don’t give up.

      • S says:

        Thank you for replying. (:
        I think you’re right when you say “whats meant to be will be”
        so know I’m just letting things be.

        Hopefully things are better now with you and your boyfriend!

      • A says:

        Tu, it seems we are in a very similar situation. My depressed boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 5 days ago over the phone, we have a long distance relationship. I’m broken and suffering so much to understand this because we also lived together the last 3 months which went really well and when i think about these moments now it hurts so terribly much because he gave me such a loving feeling. when he broke up, he said he could only see the negative things and that he only felt hate for me and was so angry with me that he broke his computer and he felt like punching me in the face. i cant grasp how he could feel this way towards me. he is supposed to come in 2 weeks in order for us to talk in person but i constantly catch myself holding on to hope even though he said he needs to be alone, maybe for 5 years to get better. this situation that not only i but all of us are going through seems like a nightmare that i cant wake up from. im just confused as of what to think. I’m giving him these 2 weeks of space and haven’t contacted him and am not going to. he hasn’t contacted me either and has not apologized for the way he hurt me. I’m trying to give myself the time too but i feel the situation is too big for my brain to understand. is it possible that we contact each other to exchange our experience?
        you said to be hopeful. but im so scared to hurt even more if i hold on to hope while he wants to stick with this. i know he loves me and must miss me too. he was the most loving person when not in his bad episodes and i want to grow old with him. everyone tellmes me to move on as its the best timing. in one week I’m moving to another city which i also did for our future. please can anyone help?

        • A says:

          i should maybe mention that he has been going to therapy and just 2 days ago he was supposed to get an antidepressant again.i hope he did. i want nothing more in my heart than for him to get better again. but it hurts so much. why does it have to be either his health or our relationship?

          • Tu Anh says:

            So my boyfriend stop talking to me about month ago. We suppose to meet end of June but now I don’t know what the situation now. We are not offical break up but I guess it is the end of our journey now. I still praying every day for him get better. For me, Im recovering with friends help and it work. It juat not meant to be and I know I deserve a better one just like he said.
            My contact is tuanhlee (at) gmail (dot) com.
            We could exchange email for more details

          • A says:

            how is one supposed to understand this situation. It is too much for a human mind. I am so confused. Some people say to keep fighting for the relationsip but all my friends and family are telling me that what I am holding on to does not exist. I feel so alone with my feelings. Noone of them seems to understand what it actually means in practice and not only theory to lose a person you know is still out there suffering and not seing clearly from one day to the next. Why can’t the partner see that its possible for him to get better and still have the partner in their life? my boyfriend broke up saying he knows I can’t look at this depression more relaxed and without emotions. he didn’t say there is someone better for me he said he cannot fulfill my needs that I have as his girlfriend and that he has to take care of himself now. I told him I can give him space but he didn’t believe me. I don’t know if I can support him like this for years but what I know is that I cannot let this person go because I love him so terribly much and I am constantly thinking we have a future together looking at everything we have built up together. I just came back from living with him in france for 3 months and this worked well! so how am I supposed to tell myself, yes this has no future? I have never felt this lost in my life and I have had really bad family problems. I dream about him every night. Once i dream that he is standing in front of me saying he loves me. the next day I dream I write him a text message saying I miss him and he replies there is no love, tomorrow, soon. I don’t think I can handle this without any professional help. He thought I am breaking with him but I am breaking this way. And even at all the negative things we had in the relationship, I can still surely stand and say that the positive are weighing everything out. Is it possible that he can just not see this right now? He did say things to me that were so mean that I know he is in a really bad place. but I know him and I don’t think he will be feeling better off alone. I was just there two weeks ago and he was much better and after I left things have gotten to where they are now.

        • S says:

          I completely understand you when you say you feel like the situation is too big for your brain to understand. Thats exactly how I feel a lot of the time.
          But I believe that you have to do what you think its best for you, even if its going to be hard. At the end of the day you and your feelings should come first.
          Wishing you the best!

    • david says:

      just give her time and do not run after her ,it has to work both ways,good luck

  68. Kris says:

    I was in a relationship with my ex for a little over a year. I found out she had depression or thought she did really early in our relationship. She opened up to me quite a bit. I didn’t realize before we started dating the amount of baggage she had. She was 19 at the time and I was 24 but we both lived at home. Her parents, however, were really strict, overbearing, and highly judgmental with high expectations of her that were kind of impossible to meet. She introduced me to them and they immediately banned her from seeing me or talking to me. This was less than a month into our relationship. Needless ti says, we went through a lot from the very start but we always stuck together. I thought her depression was getting worse because her moods had gone down drastically, as well as her grades. Her home life was its usual up and down roller coaster and all of the added pressure of a committed relationship and the possibility of moving away from her family and friends overwhelmed her. A few days after our one year, she broke up with me. Told me she still loved me but didn’t feel the same in love feeling she always had. She said she saw me as a friend and wanted to figure things out on her own. I was heart broken and devastated but I allowed her the space and time she needed. It was HARD. We still talked and I could see when she’d hang with others and it would be upsetting and really difficult not to mention her lack of understanding how hard it was for me. About a month down that road, she said all her feelings came back full strength. We got back together and probably rushed that. Nothing in our lives had even changed and her plans for us had changed. It was our plan to move in together or at least start planning once we got to a year. That plan was out of the window and I handled that really badly. I ended things. And now I do kind of regret it. I moved away and I felt like I had no connection to her. Like my emotions for were frozen. She’d text and say she missed me and I would bring up therapy or dismiss her reaching out completely. I regret not letting her back in when she was reaching out. Recently, I found out that she was dating. She lied about it when I asked and we had a fight about it. She told me that she broke up with him because she still had feelings for me and she felt she rushed her new relationship. But during my spell of anger, I dug myself a pretty deep hole and told her way too much. Immediately after our fighting, she began to act withdrawn. I flew to see her and we had an amazing time. It felt natural. And we embraced and kissed and hugged like old times. But, when I flew back, she changed her tune, saying she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship, doesn’t know if we can have anything again, doesn’t know what she should feel, but knows that she loves and missss me and will always love and miss me. It’s confusing me. Now, she’s been saying she’s been feeling suicidal and needs space. Wants to be alone but wants to be friends while she works on herself. And I shouldn’t wait for her. So not only am I really worried about her well being but I’m also really sad about her conflicted feelings. Just a couple weeks ago, she was telling me she’s still in love with me. And now, it feels like I’ve pushed her away. I just wonder if what we are dealing with is the same as her previous break down when she broke up with me or is she just done feeling love for me in that way. It’s painful but I just really want her to be happy. When all is said and done, I know she can make it. And I’d love to be by her side of she’d have me. I just don’t know how to figure it out. How can I know what she feels if she doesn’t even know?

  69. questionabledepression says:

    my bf has been struggling for 3 years with not knowing what he wanted to do for work. He went back to school (part time) and refuses to get a part time job. He looks at it as a waste since he would be going to a job he didnt like or had nothing with what he wants to do. We’ve fought several times regarding him finding a job and many times he would say hes not good enough, he cant support me, he loves me but i deserve better. After we made up he told me he was depressed. But I didnt take it seriously, I thought he was just sad because of the pressures surrounding us as a couple (from my friends and family). The last fight we had was the last straw for him. He told me he wanted to change the world – to live in a farm and self-sustain. I told him to be realistic especially since he refuses to do hard work. He was drunk at the time and I was getting very irritated and it just came out of my mouth. He was extremely mad and left.
    Now I feel guilty. Guilty because I hadnt been sensitive about his depression. Is it depression? With a mix of laziness? I havent talked to him in a week. Should I message him?

  70. Rachel says:

    I am depressed and this has created many problems in my relationship. He was what i wanted to be, happy, sociable with good mental health and i had faith that he would make me a better person and impart his strengths to me. However, many of his actions hit into my underlyong cause of depression, which was based on social anxiety. He sought help with me and was the one who pointed out my condition but eventually couldnt handle everything. My bf has broken up with me 3 months ago and i was devastated, having to deal with my own depression and the breakip depression. I was initially a drama queen after that and was suicidal and he cut me off. I started working on myself and have recenty initiated contact with him. I really want things to work out again but i dont know how to reattract him and get him to have faith. Help?? How do i talk to him and rekindle our love?

  71. Rebecca says:

    Reading all these stories makes me feel so deeply empathetic to all of you people, and I hope that someday you guys will happy.

    I was with my girlfriend for nearly a year it had felt like 5 after the amount of stuff we went through together. I knew she’d dealt with stints of depression in her past, when I first met her she was going through a good stint in her life. I’d met my bestfriend and fallen in love with her. About 10 months later, I started to see some changes in her, She wasn’t eating well, her head was a mess. A month later out of nowhere, she turns up and says we need to talk, she said she loved me but couldn’t do this anymore. We never argued, I did nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong. She didn’t want to drag me into it anymore than she had, (She hadn’t) She wanted to be alone through this, and with that she broke up with me. I have some close friends, where one of them suffered with severe depression and they got through it. I thought that my relationship would end up like that. But I was wrong. Over the next 2 months I honestly didn’t know what to do. We ended on good terms, and i would still see her about every week in college. I was a complete mess. Aswel as losing the relationship I’d lost my bestfriend. 2 months after I opened up to her about how I felt about the relationship ended, and said I still loved her and if she didnt love me this way not to spare my feelings. She said she begun to feel a bit better but still stuck by her decision. I dont know what I expected, I thought she’d come back I really did. Its 4 months down the line and I’m still not over her. She goes through my mind constantly. The one thing for me which is hard to understand, (btw I have never had depression so dont know the feeling) How can you shut off deep feelings you had for a person? I’m trying to move on, Every week I start off by saying come on you can do this but it always ends in a mess. I also have been somewhat shut out by all of our mutual friends we had together. So I don’t have many people to talk to, I just want to move on but I can’t. If anyone has gone through something similar I’d love some advice.


    • BFV says:

      I don’t know if my actions or my thoughts will help but for me personally, I did research. Almost immediately. The idea of “If I can’t love her as a love, I will love her as a friend” immediately popped up for me, not that it’s easy nor am I completely removed of all romantic feelings (the contrary, really). When I found my ex had severe depression I dove into research. Went to support groups, read dozens of articles, read up on research and alternative medicines and treatments. I did as much as I could as someone who has no idea what it’s like to have depression. It’s been six months since my ex and I stopped dating. In the last six months she’s told me that she wanted to start over. Build a friendship from the ground-up and if something is there, we can start a relationship again. Overall, our interactions have been getting better (although still fluctuating a lot) but I believe she goes through many sad turbulent nights. I loved her. And because I loved her and still love her I know that all this romantic shit, all these feelings can be put aside. Because I care about her so much, I just want to focus on her happiness. Her comfortableness. Her health, both physically and mentally. After a certain point, you really have to ask yourself: Do you want the relationship or do you want them to be happy? Maybe at some point the two questions can have the same outcome of an answer. Maybe not. Only you can be the judge of that, and can know what you want really want for yourself and your ex.

  72. Jasmine says:

    Thank you so much for this website and the amazing articles. I’ve read everything here, including all the comments and I feel less alone in what I’m going through.

    I was very happily married until my husband suffered a severe and debilitating bout of depression in late November. My husband is my world, my soulmate, the only person I’ve truly loved and he felt the same about me. We never even had an argument, it was amazing. He suddenly said he wanted to end our marriage and left. He told me to move out as it was his house, well I was left reeling. I just cried and cried, couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep or eat. To be honest I’m still not much better. My husband came home when he had his son , from a previous relationship, some weekends and I took that time to show him I still loved him, I took care of him and we continued our relationship, including sexually. He did continue to ask when I was moving out, but I kept delaying, trying to make my marriage work.
    Then I found out he was having an affair. I contacted the woman and he went ballistic. The police were involved and I became very frightened. I left our home due to concerns over my safety a few days ago. I feel like that was the worst possible thing to do now, I should have stayed and supported him. Now I have no contact with him. I’ve emailed and had no response, think he may have blocked me. I don’t think he will ever be in touch again. How can I make him see that he has to maintain some communication? I’m still his wife. Essentially, I’m here for the long run. I’m waiting it out and will be here when he is ready, but it’s killing me. I’m not eating or sleeping. I’m anxious and depressed myself now, so going to see a GP shortly. I want to let him know I haven’t given up on him and I’m waiting for him to feel better, but is that demeaning myself? It’s incredibly confusing and just so sad that this disease has stolen our happiness. Any advice is most welcome!

    • Fred says:

      My perspective on this has changed massively in the last year. I would suggest visiting when you’re ready. He could be depressed, or he could be using it as an excuse. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Are you okay with being treated this way?

    • firefly says:

      Step back and look at your situation. Your husband is having an affair. This alone is a red flag or indication that he doesn’t respect you, especially since the affair seems to be ongoing.

      You’re hurt but still have feelings for him. It’s understandable. But you need to take care of yourself right now and think about your survival rather than thinking about putting yourself on the line for him. If he’s depressed than he should seek professional help. If he truly wanted to work your marriage out he would end the affair.

      I know it’s hard to see and think clearly when your world seems like it’s crumbling. But from the outside looking in, it appears that you’re neglecting yourself. You care more about his well being and yet you’re not seeing that he is toxic for you right now.

      Please be kind to yourself.

  73. Shilpa says:

    I now this post has to be about partners but I have a real dilemma about my daughter. She is suffering from depression, is in USA studying masters, and I am in Asia. We are very close knit family, no history of abuse or neglect, she had a beautiful loving close family and extended family. She has been away from home since 6 years. First for undergraduate and then masters. But she has been coming home every vacation, thrice a year. I never knew she is ill. In 2 nd UG year she didnt do well, and 3rd year she failed one subject. We were upset thinking she is not working hard and were very vocal about it. After a six month internship in home country but in different city, she was home for 6 months and I sensed that she had become more recluse, will not want company, remain solitary for two days in a raw, followed by period of normality.

    During this time I also realised, she has had 3 or 4 boy friends in succession and was physically involved, couple of them one night stand, was drinking heavily on weekends and was doing weed on a regular basis. She decided to do masters in USA, though sceptical I let her go thinking that higher studies and a good profession can bring her some purpose.
    After first six months, she fell in love with a boy, very very seriously. Both love each other with a passion I have read only in books. After one outing they fought bitterly, and I got a phone call at mid of the night, with her sobbing inconsolably, she told me that he is breaking up with her . We laughed and told her its ok. He is angry and if he is unreasonable, then it is for good. They were fine again but then on this started happening every week. At every instant the boy threatens to break up, she gets hysterical, she used to go stand outside his apartment and cry and keep calling him, she would tell him sorry 100 times will keep repeating ” I am sorry”, ” Please don’t do this” “Please don’t leave” ‘No No, don’t ” I have heard her doing this over and over, I would get very upset, get angry at her, hold her in my arm, cry with her, try to get her attention somewhere else, but nothing worked. After every fight, this boy would still talk to her saying he is leaving her but she should take care of herself. He would show lot of concern but his decision would be final, only for that day. Next day they would be back again. I think he is traumatising her. He is the cause for her madness. I try telling my daughter to break up with him but she doesn’t listen. Now he is the centre of her life. Me, her father, her sibling, no one matters to her. Yet she still has same kind of events playing up. At times she calls us up saying please get me out of this relationship. But yet the next day they are together. The boy takes very good care of her otherwise, goes out of his way to help her but according to him she is not truthful and goes back on her promise whatever that means”
    She is also diagnosed having depression, is on medication, but she is not better. She is struggling in studies, which after a lot of struggles, has completed this week, but is under very severe stress of getting a job. She recently told me she feels so low that she has hurt herself. She herself is scared of her mental weakness but yet is s dependant on this boy emotionally that she is moving in with him. I am dreading what will become of her once she does that. I am so pained seeing my daughter turned thus. Can anyone help me out please.

  74. tina says:

    I am depressed. I have had a very unhealthy childhood which has impacted on my adulthood. I have 3 gorgeous children who mean the world to me. My husband is cold, aloof, everything has to be his way. I found out when I was pregnant with our twins that he was sleeping with other women when we started dating. He never told me we weren’t exclusive. He introduced me as his girlfriend- I had no idea. He only stopped because I fell pregnant with our first child. His friends often used to say in front of me that he likes sleeping around when he goes away on work trips. As a running joke. I told him to get them to stop if it was a cruel joke or to leave if that’s what he really does. I live in constant fear I will find out he is not the man I believe him to be. I know my depression would be triggered by many things in my life but the main source is me reliving the moment my bubble burst. He doesn’t see that his actions, his dishonesty destroyed the foundation of our relationship. He hasn’t tried to make up for it. I feel alone, unloved and now depressed because I can’t trust him. I am depressed because I feel trapped- I cant support 3 small kids by myself. We hardly are intimate- his choice not mine and he is a selfish lover. I can’t fix myself because I am being dragged down. He does not see me as his equal. He tells me I don’t work hard enough. I work 2 days a week and run my own business from home, raise 3 children, cook all meals, am primary carer for the kids tending to their emotional, physical needs. We live in Asia where there is a lot of prostitution and women who will wreck a marriage for money. Most people tell me I am super woman- 3 children under 4 a business, a part time job. Not my husband. This constant attempt to prove I am worth something, is destroying me. I am desperately sad and alone.

  75. Jessica says:

    Hi. I am in the middle of a really difficult situation. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 4 years now. When I first met him, we were 14 and in high school. He was a happy, fun loving guy with so much ambition and drive. When we first moved into our apartment in January, he was thrilled, still the same guy. Now mind you, his mother has never been a fan of our relationship, always being condescending, blaming him for spending time with me, giving him guilt for moving in… She seems to disapprove entirely even to the point of sacrificing his own happiness. This has always been straining, and I’m not sure if this is the cause… but it’s important.

    On Wednesday he was diagnosed with Moderate Depression and the doctor recommended anti-depressants in which he has started. It was really shock to me that after months of convincing him to go in, he was really that sick. I almost dragged him to the clinic when suddenly, I began to see his bones. His ribs, the bones in his legs, everything. His appetite has ceased to little and he has trouble sleeping. Were in college and he tries to go to class but it doesn’t work out, he always over sleeps or refuses to go simply because he is too sad.

    It’s so complicated. He’s trying to get a job change because his job is making him do crazy things like closing (12 am) on weekdays where his first class starts at 9 am. I feel bad because I pressure him to keep maintaining an income (we cannot afford our place without it) but he’s barely scraping by. He’s tired looking for other jobs that buy the same or higher but it’s so screwed with his availability that comes with college.

    I feel horrible but I just get dragged down with him. I try so hard to make him happy but with no avail. He’ll act crazy, waking up in the middle of the night and starting fights with me. Accusing me of making things worse when I explain how sad I am. He doesn’t do ANY CHORES which puts a huge burden on me but rather plays video games in his free time. I try to bring him to the gym so he can feel better and put on muscle but he shames me for making him feel unhappy every time I do. “He doesn’t wanna go.” But he doesn’t wanna do anything…

    Honestly I am so close to calling it quits I am loosing my head. This is my man, that I love, that I wanna marry, being torn apart. As a Psych major I understand what is going on but I don’t know what to do. It’s so different having the depressed person be the most important thing in your life. The man I love is deeply sad and reduced to skin and bones and I’m so lost.

  76. Drew says:

    Hi there,

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. However recently she has told me that she wants a break. She doesn’t want to break up but rather a break form the emotions tied with our relationship. So here’s the back story. She moved from a big city to a smaller city away from her mom. She is dealing with abandonment issues since her dad left her and her mom and he was an alcoholic. She does have family in the smaller city she moved to. But, the family barely talks to her. She feels alone and is becoming depressed again. Lately, I have noticed a change in her and when I bring it up all she can say is ‘I don’t know” this has caused a lot of tension between us. Last night we finally talked it out. She told me that she has suffered with depression for a while and this time is the worst. She said that its not the relationship that is the problem its everything else such as work and being away from family. I told her that I love her and I support her. She decided to seek professional help. What scares me the most is that I bought an engagement ring and planned a destination proposal for next month. I asked her if she still loves me and she said yes, but the fact that she said she wants a break is causing me to question whether or not to propose. Since the vacation cannot be cancelled now I am at a loss. But more importantly I want to help her get over this boulder in the road, but I don’t know what to say and what not to say. This is my first time experiencing someone with depression and I am desperately in need of advice.

  77. Sally says:

    My ex and I were together for four years. The relationship was near perfect. He has been suffering in silence with mental problems (depression) and irrationally broke up with me six months ago, completely out of the blue; after two days he came back and I gave him another chance.
    Six months on, he broke up with me again (now two weeks ago); he has been contacting me over the past few days and we met today. In short, he wants me back, he is deeply in love with me and our two week separation has caused him to seek mental help (he now attends counselling and has been diagnosed with depression) and desperately wants to move forward, work at getting back together and really try to fix our previous issues.
    The problem is he has broke my heart twice now. All my friends and family tell me not to, but I cant explain to them the real deep reasons behind our break-ups, I feel like they feel it will happen again. Do I get back with him now he is seeking help, but risk real heartbreak for a third time? Or power through and continue on with the break-up? Does anybody have a similar situation that they can lend me advice from?

    • Sophie says:

      Hi Sally, I can really relate to your situation. I hope it has improved for you one way or the other. My ex and I were together for eight years. Slowly but steadily, he became depressed too. And now I hardly even recognize him anymore. We broke up three months ago but unfortunately, are still living together. This makes it even harder. He doesn’t want to break up but I feel I need to if I want to remain sane. i have put myself second for so long now and he just does what he likes and then always lures me back in. To be honest, we have broken up a couple of times before and started over. Each time, he promised he’d get better, he’d treat me better, or even seek help. But nothing has changed. And still, the thought of really letting him go rips me apart. I still have this powerful sense of belonging. But as I’ve learned painfully those last few years, nothing ever changes. When it comes to my ex, he changed only temporarily and only as much as he needed to make me stay. And then he’d do or say horrible things again. He took me for granted all this time and now I feel drained and empty and honestly like a shell of any former self. I feel trapped in between this relationship and letting go, which seems to be the hardest thing I ever had to do.

      • Emma says:

        Wow it’s like you have ever written my exact relationship down just herealized. I was with my partner 7 years I think he always struggled with his emotions but chose not to deal with them. We had some great times but also very bad he would just do what he pleased spoke to me badly and in the 7th year started using drugs which turned it into the end for us as his emotions went through the roof and he would leave home for days at a time. I had to leave as I could feel my own self getting into a deep depression I begged him to get his life together as I desperately wanted us to work only 8 months later as I gave up hope and started seeing someone else but still missed him a lot did he start working and getting his crap together. He now has a new partner also and I still have a crippled heart with how I miss him but somehow he still manages to say we would never work because I had gone of with someone new he still can’t accept the part he played in all this. So how have you got on have you moved on? It’s been almost a year for me now and I am only some days feeling more positive. It’s crazy how we forget the bad things once the person isn’t around when some days I need to sit and remind myself of how often he had me in tears. I feel so hurt that he couldn’t get himself together to help our relationship I tried to help bit there is only so much that can be done before you bring your own mental health at risk. I hope things have got better for you. Would love to hear from you

  78. Ab says:

    My wife of ten years and I split up approx 4 months ago, there was no particular reason for the split apart from her being unhappy. Since then my wife has pushed and pulled at me, from trying to screw me for as much money as she can, to spending nights at my apartment with the kids (no intamacy), she is on antidepressants and seeing a councillor! She would get very cross at the thought of me being with another woman (there is no woman) but would lead me to believe she had another man. She I’m assuming made excuses to come and see me by saying someone was breaking in the house, and also using panic attacks, its fairly obvious that she still has feelings for me, but my question is would depression and being on antidepressants make her act in this way?

    • Enya says:

      Hi I know this is a late reply and I hope things are better by now for you but I was on anti depressants at a fee times in my life and they helped but the last time they made me worse almost felt crazy my emotions and anxiety went through the roof I felt alone I felt needy I put pressure on my new partner. I almost felt not I control of my emotions and wanTed to cry everyday. I did research on the pills I was on an decided myself I was going to wean of them I am fully off them now and things are getting better I chose to deal with my problems rather than masking with medication and for my situation it has been a good choice. It hasn’t been easy etheir I found dead it hard to explain to my partner why I was acting the way I was and I would spin out at him if he wasn’t there for me how I wanted at all times which I can now see isn’t healthy. Hang in there because there is a chance the pills are effecting her badly and coming off them is a Rollercoaster. Her pretending she has a man in an opinion from a female is needing your attention but when you haven’t experienced anxiety panic attacks or depression your self it probably seems as if we are over reacting or being drama queens. I alook know the pain is real and it’s deep it like an a he in your chest that you feel is never going to leave and some days you have no real reason for that feeling. I hope this has helped you if your still going through this tough time good luck

  79. SimplyLost says:

    I’ve been seeing a guy I met a few months ago and finally for the first time in a long time I was waking up with a great big smile on my face because I’d met an amazing person who treated me with warmth and kindness.
    My heart would flutter every time he text me!
    He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was on cloud 9.
    Flask forward a few weeks I’m now single.
    He started to become cold and non responsive. He was negative and everything was exhausting to him. He was waking up every day in a funk and no amount of positivity on my part was shifting his mood. When he saw me…. It was like he wasn’t really there. I cried and told him I felt helpless not knowing how to make it better. He told me he felt down and only he could shake the mood. I begged him not to shut me out and he promised he wouldn’t.
    The next time I saw him he stayed for 10 minutes to tell me it was over. He was too depressed to be in a happy relationship, he was done and nothing I could do or say would change his mind. He admitted he’d suffered with depression previously alongside having anxiety attacks. He’s been on medication and seen a councillor…. None of this did I know until it was too late. He says he needs to get better and needs to let me go.
    I’m beyond devestated. I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails or the rug pulled out from under my feet.
    I didn’t get a say and there was nothing I could do, his mind has been made up. I kept hoping he’d change his mind but no.
    I honestly feel blindsided and cheated out of out chance at happiness. How do I move forward?

    • Depressiontrouble says:

      Hey SimplyLost,

      This same situation happened to me, except I was with her for 3+ years and I tried my best to help her in any way I could which proved to slowly drag me down and her leaving, saying she couldn’t bare to see me this way and she needs to get better and I need to move on.

      This is so heartbreaking, I’m so sorry for what has happened to you.

    • moonlight says:

      I went through exact same situation.. I dated my bf for one year and we broke up 3 times nd today we ended up everything.. he’s feeling so down and asked me to move on with my’s so difficult situation..I’m so devastated too..

  80. mimi says:

    Last year i got diagnosed with depression and im recovering quite good.the thing with depression in my experience is that the sufferer has no mental capacity to contemplate how his or her actions may affect anyone else. The brains ability to do so is severely thwarted…a person can only think of his immediate needs and concerns…that doesnt excuse immoral behaviour like lying, infidelity and stuff…but it does cause confusion, irritability, and the worst thing i think is the INDECISIVENESS, iv just lost my boyfriend because of my sudden bursts of confusion and wanting to breakup with him for no reason…i can hardly understand my own mind…im so ashamed and as my mind heals and gets back to normal everyday the more i regret dumping him…it hurts so much…

    • Fred says:

      Mimi, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know the feelings all too well. I struggle with the balance between accepting that each person can decide for himself or herself what they’re willing to accept in life versus the expectation of a permanent commitment with someone. It’s not fair for me to judge my ex for no longer being willing to deal with me and my illness and yet at the same time it’s not fair that I trusted and loved her and then lost her due to influences out of my control. I feel like I’m being eaten alive from the inside out – she was my safe place after years of suffering, and though I still had trauma I was working through, I thought she’d be there until the end. But she wasn’t.

      It’s so hard to respond to these comments without starting in on my own parade of regrets and pains. I don’t mean to hijack, only to let you know that there are others in the world dealing with similar issues. I wish you all the best.

  81. Leiah says:

    Hi there,

    I have been dating a man for almost 1 year exactly. I always thought something was wrong with him, but I just thought that he was lazy and no confidence. After a very rocky 11 months, I found out he was diagnosed with depression in 2011. He has kept this from me our entire relationship. I understand this is something difficult to communicate, and he was afraid that he would loose me.

    At this point in our relationship I am beginning to feel like he has sucked the life out of me. His drinking, lies, lack of motivation, anger (mostly name calling), absence, and not being able to be a true partner has completely pushed me away.

    The issue is, I do truly care for this man. There is a lot of potential in us. However, I know he needs to get better before we can ever be together for real. I don’t want to cause him any more hurt. He deals with severe abandonment issues (his mother left him when he was a baby). Part of him being so sick is because he is terrified to loose me. He has said over and over again that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and I’m the woman of his dreams. He has been locked in his room vomiting the past 2 days because of this depression, and his nerves are a mess. He knew he messed up because we were at a party, he drank, got weird, and left me at a party. He’s avoiding apologizing, and wants me to feel sorry for him at this point, so I don’t get angry or upset.

    I know I need to let him go. For the both of us. Being together causes me so much pain, and I’m beginning to feel like it’s making his depression worse.

    Any advice would be so appreciated!

    • Roo says:

      I am that man that’s done this to my partner of 3 years and she left me.
      What tipped me over the edge was work and I would do the same with the name calling and leaving blaming all of it.
      I didn’t know or understand what depression was but now I have a better understanding I realise this has been building for about 5 years.
      I never wanted to lose her as she also was the woman of my dreams and never meant to push her away she was my sidekick.
      As males we tend to bottle things up because we feel we need to have everything under control then one day we explode on the ones closest to us.

      It breaks my heart and her leaving has only compounded on my depression I’m in a darker place than I was.
      I realise I have to take responsibility for the damaged I caused so I’ve started to get help.

      I would do anything to get her back but realise I have to fix myself before anything and if it’s true love it will find it’s way.

      I would of loved her staying and helping me through it because we both know that’s not me and what our relationship could be but it was just too much for her and I caused too much damage and I know she needs to heal.

      You need to tell him what’s happening to you what’s happening to the relationship men are dumb and when depressed blinded we need you to spell it out in big capital letters go get help with him maybe.

      Hope it gets better

  82. laura says:

    Hi everyone, no one has posted on here for a bit but I just want to get my concerns out in the open and hopefully get some opinions.
    Yesterday I made a decision mainly out of anger, although I have been thinking about it lately anyway, to split up with my boyfriend of 5 months, he’s depressed due to having severe money issues but has made the situation worse by suddenly coming off his anti-depressants. Our relationship has been on off during this short period. Most recently he ignored me for weeks and his only reason was he didn’t want to admit to me quite how bad his money problems had become. I feel so isolated from him, he says I can see him then last minute changes the plans or just ignores me so he doesn’t even have to explain it. This is what happened last night, I was meant to be going to see him but instead he ignored my texts and left me in the lurch yet again. I’d also seen he’d been online on a messaging app we sometimes use at the same time I’d text him so I know he’d been using his phone and had seen my texts, this made me snap. It’s happened so many times and I just thought you know what, I deserve better than to feel alone in my relationship, so yes I did it by text, not a good move I know but I haven’t seen him in two weeks as it is and I’m not certain I’d see him again as he cuts me off. My emotions have been so up and down lately, it’s been effecting my day to day life, if he’s speaking to me then I’m happy and I talk to people but if he’s not then I feel I almost mirror his behavior at times and cut myself off from everyone too. My friends tell me he’s not worth bothering with because the way he’s treated me, that I’ve not been in a relationship with him long enough to feel responsible for him and guilty for walking away. But I do. I love him so much and feel so powerless, I’ve tried talking about how I feel but he wouldn’t even let me talk. The first three months were amazing, he made me so happy and I think I made him happy too, we had a couple of ups and downs then but not due to his depression. Ever since those weeks when he ignored me things haven’t been the same at all, he’d still speak of the future when he was in a good mood so I kept hold of the hope I had. At the moment I keep thinking of all the good times we had, then I remember all the bad and I just can’t work out in my head whether I’ve made a big mistake or whether I was right to walk away.
    I guess what I want are other peoples opinions, have I done the worst thing possible to him by adding to his depression and leaving him? He didn’t seem to want me though, hardly ever wanted to see me, is that the depression though? I care so much about him and not having those feelings returned reminded me of my relationship previous to this one where I was made to feel unwanted so I feared it was happening again and said I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. I’m scared of a relationship with him, I’m scared I won’t ever see the man I fell in love with again. Should I message him and apologize? Should I leave him alone? Perhaps he just didn’t want me and I’m blaming his depression to make it feel a little less painful. I’m certain time isn’t going to bring clarity…

    I appreciate any replies I may get, thank you.

    • Brendan says:

      Hi Laura, it sounds like you are going through a similar situation as me.

      I recently split with my girlfriend after 6 years, the last 3 years she has had various episodes of depression, anxiety and anorexia. The hardest thing is watching someone you love so much drift away, your words just don’t get through, they are oblivious to the damage they cause until it’s too late and you can’t place blame on them for that.

      In my case 2 months after we broke up I bumped into my ex and she looked and sounded much healthier, we chatted about what happened and one sentence she said stuck in my head – “it was you that fixed me by leaving me.” Such an odd thing to say but she explained, us breaking up put her in the deepest, darkest mental hole possible and she’s still here, in fact she’s getting better. In her words “you leaving me was the worst thing that could have happened, and I didn’t die. All of sudden everything else didn’t seem so life and death, so what is there to be anxious or depressed about?”

      Hearing that has really got to me, it meant that if we had stayed together she would never have had that trigger to then get past the illnesses, so therefore would never have recovered – I was always fighting a losing battle to be with her and us be without the illness. But at the same time for 3 years all I’ve wanted was her to be back to the real her, the woman I bumped into was the woman we tried so hard to find again. I am genuinely happy for her because I known the struggle she has gone through but to know I can’t share that positivity with her after everything and that this needed to happen will never leave my mind.

      I hope in some way this helps, my message to you is that sometimes you have to let the ones you love go to give them their own chance to take their course to happiness. It’s a painful, selfless act that I didn’t want to do and I’m sure you didn’t either.

      • laura says:

        Thank you for your reply Brendan, I must admit it bought me to tears though.

        I’m so glad for you that you got to see her again because I can imagine you felt the same as I do at the moment. I’m always wondering if he’s ok and really hoping he is. That app I mentioned where it shows if he’s been online is my only comfort even though I know it’s a bit odd that I’m checking up on him! If I see he hasn’t been online for over a day I worry though so I’m not sure it’s really a good thing. I’ve gone to text him so many times but I just didn’t know what to say and I know it’s not fair for me to bother him after I walked away. I keep telling myself that I can’t have been the person he needed in his life if I couldn’t find a way to help him or if he didn’t feel able to speak to me so your message did help as I just want the best for him, it’s helped me see the potential positive in what I did so thank you. I just feel like I won’t be able to let go until I know for sure what I did was the right thing so I really hope I bump into him out and about sometime in the future too. What makes it even harder is that no one understands how I feel as no one understood what I saw in him in the first place so they certainly don’t after the way he treated me even though I knew it was the depression they just thought I was making excuses for him which made me doubt myself. It’s been great to hear from someone who knows how I feel, thanks again for taking the time to reply to me. All the best to you.

        • Kevin says:

          Laura, I’d like to tell you about my situation. My partner and I have been together for 3 and half years. During that time, she has shown and told me in almost every conceivable way possible of how much I mean to her … and I just didn’t get it. I didn’t feel it because I didn’t feel love … and that’s because of many things that have happened to me through the years and in my childhood. I have been diagnosed with depression. It ruined my last marriage and family … I ruined it. I have been angry and thinking that, when she’s trying to tell me how she feels with some hurts, I have taken it personally and allowed myself – my little kid self – to react in ways that shut her down. Her jealousy issues were very difficult to deal with, but I realise now that I could have responded differently to being angry at her. She has broken up with me for the seventh time … I don’t think that breaking up is the thing to do. I found it incredibly difficult, and each time built up resentment … but I’d been building resentment in her for the way I’d been slamming her down. Now, a better thing to do would have been to let me know she wasn’t breaking up with me, to tell me she couldn’t deal with the way I am, and to vacate the house and love from a distance … but to not break up because this just adds to the damage. I have been incredibly blessed … she has gone against everybody else’s wishes for her and told me that she won’t be breaking up with me, but she also won’t be coming home until she is able to trust that I will be more careful with her emotions. You see, I realise now … I hadn’t been liking her … resentment … and I have been hurting her so much because she just wanted me to be ‘her friend’, to show care for her feelings. I had no empathy. I need to develop this … and it’s a long road. She’s going to be seeing me once a week when we are now going to CoDA group to follow the 12 step program … I am not totally to blame … we are human … but I do have a responsibility to not lose my temper. You see, she places herself in a vulnerable position when she’s trying to tell me something that’s on her mind … and even if I feel she’s misunderstood or it presses a button in me, I have no right to attack her when she’s reaching out to me … that anger I have is from unresolved childhood events. I need to just listen and try to empathise … and if she wants a response from me, she’ll ask. This is not easy for me because I have not learned these skills. I have accepted now, I am a co-dependent … and she is also. All of us on here are co-dependents. Books explain that, in order to get better, we need to leave the relationship … no, I don’t agree at all … that just creates more pain and you lose completely. Both of the couples need to do the 12 Step Program for CoDA. One needs to truly look at oneself. You need to work together on this. My partner does not want to be without me, but at the moment she can’t trust the situation, and as painful as it is, I understand. But now I have a goal … to be proactive, to recognise I have an illness, to go through the long process of making it a natural part of my being to see her as my friend, to be concerned for her feelings, to learn empathy and communication / social skills, to take ownership of the damage I’ve caused, to follow an anger management program … these are the things that will change me … and this is what my partner desperately needs from me … and I need her patience and support, and it would be really helpful for her to learn some of these skills and to acknowledge to herself any damage she may have caused me (I don’t need to be told about them). Commitment is what’s needed. Leave but don’t break up … actively work with your partner … if he / she simply does not want to, then I think that’s definitely time to realise that you are the only willing partner. But he / she may not want to because you may not have suggested the right program … or even suggested that you’ll follow the program too … I think everyone here needs to. I love my partner dearly, and have only just internalised how much she loves me and wants to grow old with me … and I’m determined to take charge of things about me … I am learning to become the guardian of my little self, so that I can also learn to reassure my little self whenever he becomes scared and wants to ‘fight’ the perceived threat … he doesn’t have to any longer … and we can all do this. Follow the 12 step program within a CoDA group, learn empathy skills, reassure your partner that, even from a distance, you’ll still be there with him / her, and go through the programs with them … they became that way, and they therefore can become who they were. The relationship, I know, won’t be the same, I believe it will be much more mature and healthy for love to flourish … but on a daily basis, we must all continue to follow the programs, for it to become a way of life … and that’s a real challenge because everything in us will want to fool us and prevent us from looking at ourselves, to fall into the blame game. You can do it … and as painful as it is, I can too. I love my partner so much, and am so sorry for not having cared for her, and I can’t thank her enough for not giving up, as much as she fights the urge to give up. Love to you all … don’t let your partner go!

          • Kristin says:

            Kevin – still around? How are things now with your partner? I’m not giving up on my “partner”. He never said “break up” – he just moved in with his mom. But texts me daily. And only talks to me about his depression. I don’t want to give up at all, but his mixed messages are so hard to deal with. I’m sick daily. Reach out if you are still around.

    • Stephane says:

      I hope someone reads this and provides some words of wisdom in the situation I am being faced with. I met my girl friend over a year and half ago. We instantly connected and were inseparable. We enjoyed each others company even if it included doing nothing at all. She always told me she had depression and I felt like I understood it myself because I experienced a bout of it with a break-up that I went to EMDR counseling and finally felt a bit whole again.
      She had alcoholism in her family, abandonment, and now a few family crisis that have really pulled the depression to the fore front. She seems to have severe co-dependency issues when it comes to particular family members and she now believes she has that with me as well. We have fought over the same thing, the time she focuses on her family and last minute change up to the little time we have to spend together. She feels that I am not sensitive to the concerns and crisis she has gone through but never viewed our relationship as a primary source of support or help with decision making. We lived together until 3 days ago and she has been threatening to walk out on me for about a year since the depression starting surfacing.
      It is so hurtful and I am feeling panicked and abandoned. The first night apart was on my birthday and I had such terrible anxiety over the whole situation. I know I have tried her patience on being understanding with my emotions that I am going through but from what I have read fleeing the relationship to work on the depression may not be the best option.
      I am willing to be patient and willing to pick up the slack and she has shoved me to the side. She questions marriage, she questions wanting to remain in a relationship with me because I am a woman, she questions trusting me, or even want to see me. I don’t know if it is the depression that makes her feel indecisive or what but I am at a loss.

      I would welcome any advice and how to be strong and still fight for what seems to be slipping through our fingers.

  83. Maurice says:

    Hi there, I hope you are all doing well. My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. We are in a semi long distant relationship but get to see each other almost every week. Mid way through last year my gf started to change, her moods tended to be more negative and she thought she was depressed. I initially didn’t think so and wasn’t too supportive but I did advice her to consult a professional. A month after she thought she was depressed we got into a big fight and during the fight she became violent and started blaming me for everything going wrong in her life. After that fight she set up sessions with a psychologist and was diagnosed with mild depression. I started supporting her but truthfully I was still angry at a lot of things that had occurred prior which could be attributed to the depression (her being violent for example). Needless to say time went on, she changed psychologists and medications but things only got worse. During fights I would get blamed from a wide range of things and would feel like things are actually my fault only for her to say a couple days later that I was right and she is sorry. The relationship has got to the point whereby I feel that for us to continue being in it I am the one who has to swallow my pride, be rational and try ‘fix’ the problems. Just recently she admitted to myself, the psychologists and her family that she has had suicidal thoughts. She also admitted to me that if I were to break up with her she doesn’t know how she will cope because I am her support system and she admires me. I don’t know what to do. I feel so tired being the support system, having to make quick fixes after fights even though they don’t last and feeling so alone in the relationship. I know the depression has some part to play in all of this but I’m starting to wonder if what she is saying is true about me. When she shouts at me and says that I shouldn’t try fix the relationship and learn from the fights, maybe she is right. I’ve been thinking about ending the relationship for months now, but am I being weak? Am I being selfish? Can I end it knowing that she might be suicidal? And being her support system wouldn’t that devistate her? Would I regret my choice? So many questions. And at times the gf I love comes back, she plans the future with me and we laugh. There are some good times. Are those good times ruined by my contempt because of the pain experienced? Should I get over my petty issues? Will that help the relationship? Am I the one to blame for all of this? I think I have internalised a lot and could use some help.

    • Becky says:

      Hi Maurice,
      I hope you are well too. I am no expert, but I have experience with being in a relationship with a partner who has bipolar and depression. I understand how confusing it can become when you don’t know whether to leave or stay and be supportive. When the few great times that you have with your partner are worth holding on to. Whether you should blame the depression or the loved one. It gets even more complicated when you love them deeply.

      A respondent on this thread said to one of the people that posted their story that if you indeed choose to stay in the relationship, it will be a long road that will test you in ways unimaginable. Because relationships are hard as they are. When you throw in depression, it becomes a whole different dynamic. I read in another community similar to this, a person suffering with depression said that it is unrealistic to expect to have a healthy relationship with a person with mental illness. Putting aside how much you love them, or the idealistic ideas you may have about the two of you, regardless of the few great times that you share when they are feeling fine. Those were his words though, not mine. Every time my depressive boyfriend is feeling low and depressed, when he pushes me away, he tells me to “Please take care of yourself..”
      Please take care of yourself. And also consider the difficult points I just shared. They hurt me too. But in the end, only you can make the best decision.
      I hope this helped. Be well.

    • Kevin says:

      Hi Maurice. I hope you’re well. You might find some insight in my post a few posts up from yours. Love to you and all

  84. Cecilia says:

    I don’t know how to think my boyfriend just broke up with me he said he stopped loving me months ago. Even though just a week ago saying he was so happy he had me that I’m the only good thing that happened in his life. He is going through some stuff right now which he doesn’t deserve but I feel as though over the year we’ve been together he’s always taken things out on me. I myself at times struggle with anxiety but I like to avoid negative thinking which isn’t what he does everything that comes out his mouth is negative most of the time when ever he feels stressed I listen to the point I can’t no more it gets to me it’s always about him and his problems he even worries about my little problems even though they don’t even bother me as much as him. I care I’ve supported him cause I’ve been there before but he is in denial about his depression when every symptoms points to his actions I’m to blame for everything and all the badness that has happened even though it has nothing to do with me. I try to comfort him and care and now he is more cold then ever before at least he would push me away then come back but now not even that he has been saying he doesn’t love me and is sure of it when just last week we got in a argument I left cause the cruel things he’d say to me I was in so much pain I began to hate him and I leave me text me a few hours checking up on me acting like all that didn’t happen and I don’t respond right away cause I’m so upset with him I respond a day later and want to know why he ignores problems when it involves my happiness and our relationship he ignores it and doesn’t respond I get upset by his lack of caring and respecting me I ask if he still wants to be with me and no response I feel he plays games then out of the blue he says yes he does want to be with me but now he broke up again with me last night when just the night before he cuddled me a hugged me when I had no affection from him in days and just an hour ago he finally spoke to me and said if I wanted to go to Starbucks I said no and said he get ma a drink what is up with his up and downs he says I don’t want to take the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me when he acts this way with me when he says he cares but doesn’t love me .. it hurts cause I care and love him so much. And I’ve stuck by him no matter what I’d anything I think he is hurt cause I texted after he texted me the day I left I said he is making me grow to hate him I’ve never said anything like that to him before but his constant blaming me and judging me is getting to me. I know I love him but I don’t like the ugly side of him the depression he also says I don’t give him freedom that I have to many problems and he blames me cause I have anxiety buy I honestly think he has it worse then me if something goes wrong it blames and says look at you are the one that had to take medication not me I don’t need it I just need to find a job and make this and this much money and I will be happy I’m sure of it. It’s all a cycle with him saying we have nothing in common even though when he’s in a good mood we have so much fun and laugh and joke I want that part of him again. I miss it. He is getting worse and he still won’t get help saying it’s something he can get over twice in the past he made to separate appointments to the doctor cause he was talking to me saying in text messages when I was visiting my family that he didn’t want to live I came back a day later he made an appointment and never went. He says he is sure of how he feels about me and that he probably never loved me. I know I’ve said some mean things myself but there is only so much I can take with him pointing out everything I do wrong and overly worrying about my own problems I’m not even really worried about it. He said one of the reason he broke up with me was cause I quit jobs but he already knows why cause of my day care issue and the schedule don’t work for my mom who is the one who watches over my son. But he just uses all that against me saying I make excuses and that’s part of why he doesn’t love me or what to be with me and also because I’m to care free so to say which he thinks I don’t care about nothing at all. Which isn’t true at all. I don’t know how to feel he said he wants to meet other people he says he sees to be with me for a shirt term but can’t see himself with me long term even though so many times he talked about having a baby with me and knowing he wanted to marry me but every time something negative happens in his life I get the blame and i get back to seeing the ugly part of him . I love him and care but he said just last night that he doesn’t love me he only cares for me and wants to break up but he will give me a month to figure thing out then I back move out. I don’t get it he goes from saying he doesn’t love me leave get out. To I care stay for a month. I do to know what to do anymore.

  85. Paula says:

    I took interest in a guy I had known for a few years not too long ago. He had never been in a relationship before, mostly because no one ever took interest in him. Things were going great, but every now and then he’d begin to doubt things. Eventually he decided to take a chance and push for a relationship. It was only the other week that we became official, I thought things were going great.

    A week after being together, he decides to end it. His timing was really bad as well, we had been intimate just the day before. He also told me how he was happy with how everything had turned out. His family and friends were really nice, I put a lot of effort into making sure I spent time with him, even if it was hours of sitting on a train to and from his house.

    When he broke it off, he was talking about how it wasn’t because of me, that it was because he needed to sort himself out and that he still felt broken and empty inside. Not only this, but now he believes that he is destined to be alone for the rest of his life, and this was his last chance of being with someone.

    I completely and utterly adore him, and I want to help him. I know that his thinking patterns are completely messed up at the moment. He tried ignoring me because he feared that it may be awkward if we spoke, but I urged him to speak to me because it would hurt even more if I never spoke to him again. I want to believe he’ll come around, I’m trying everything to remind him how much he means to me, without accidentally pushing him away.

    I don’t know what else to do, I miss him terribly.

    • Joey says:

      Hello Paula,

      I’m sorry to hear your story. A long time ago I was the guy in your story with the same debilitating thoughts, insecurity and self-esteem. Unfortunately you were a far better woman than my ex- She broke up with me over a text message and my depression spiralled even deeper.

      Back then depression was messing with my behaviour. I did many things that I shouldn’t, and lost friends who were closest to my heart. I became fearful of intimacy. Somehow I believed that I was cursed to lead a lonely life away from the ones I loved.

      Your boyfriend may be right to alienate you, because depressed people are capable of doing hurtful things that would irreparably damage the relationship. I understand that you love him and want to talk to him, but repeated reminders may make the situation worse. He may feel that he is obligated to speak to you, but his feelings of inadequacy may actually prevent him from doing so. Eventually his sense of guilt may further reinforce his belief that he does not deserve you.

      Instead you could remain in contact with him without the pressure. For instance you could tell him that you are willing to lend a listening ear whenever he feels the need to, and you are just a phone call away. Or maybe you can tag some hilarious posts on his Facebook/social media to remind him that you are there and you care for him!

      It’s not going to be easy on you- His recovery could take weeks, months or even years depending on his will and support from his friends and family members. Ultimately you need to decide if he is worth your time, and how deeply your love runs for him. I saw the strain on my mother’s eyes and heard her muffled cries when she cared for me during depression, and I must remind you that it is a long treacherous path ahead if you decide to care for him. But I believe that it is a life-changing experience that opens up your capacity to love.

      Best wishes to you and your boyfriend!

  86. Confusedheart says:

    It’s been 2weeks that me and my ex bf broke up(it feels like it’s been forever). He said he is depressed due to not having a job and he isn’t the same guy anymore. We’ve been in a relationship for almost a year, we were in a long distance relationship. I met him online then met him in person 6months after. We were very close,we communicate everyday. We planned on moving in together but all of that is gone. Yesterday I texted him that I miss him so much, and he replied that I deserve a better guy not him. He don’t want to hurt me anymore because of his illness and just wants me to move on. Back in january he broke up with me days before my birthday but on valentines day he sent me beautiful red roses. What’s confusing is that few days ago he told me he wants to marry me one day. Since the beginning of our relationship he told me I’m the one and wants to marry me. I don’t really know what’s going through his head, I told him yesterday that I don’t hate him for letting me walk away and wish him a better life ahead. I have told him before as well that I will support and will always be here for him. His depression is taking him over and I can’t help him anymore. I have to walk away for the sake of myself. I’m trying to get used to not having him text me everyday but I can’t help myself but stalk his facebook. It is really hard but all I can do is to forgive him and walk away.

    • kaci says:

      Hi, I’ve never really posted on any sites like this before and I was wondering how your situation is now? Have you all gotten back together? Do you still speak? I’m going through the same situation but we just broke up about 3 weeks ago.

      • Confusedheart says:

        Hi Kaci, yes we are back together now. When I walked away the relationship I didn’t text him for days blocked him on facebook. And one day I sent a song through text I told him to listen to it. He then replied and told me he is gotten worse when I left and he realized he miss me so from then we started talking again. And now we are very happy having each other as support system. We are still in long distance relationship,yes it is very hard but we tell each other that we can make it. My advice to you is that, try to distance yourself from your ex dont message him focus on yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve better that’s how I cope with it. Plan on something like go for a vacation,show him you are okay. (‘Cause that’s what I did). He might realize and will miss you. But don’t forget to takecare of yourself.

        • HopelessChick says:

          That is incredibly good news! How are the 2 of you now? Would you happen to still remember when you sent the song? (like a month after no contact? 2 months?) What kind of song was it? It’s been almost a month since my depressed ex bf broke up with me, and I feel like dying…

          • Kristin says:

            Great news!

            Also – HopelessChick, any updates yourself? I’m 2 1/2 weeks in from our “whatever you want to call it” as never said break up. But he’s now staying at his moms.

  87. Tara says:

    Hi,me and my boyfriend broke up because he had depression but he seems to be much happier from what I have seen. His friends tell me he is happy also. However I spoke to him today after a while of not speaking and was asking him how he was and he told me that his uncle had two tumours in his brain. He must not be telling people the full story. I couldn’t imagine him being happy when this is going on. When we text, its very dry. He would barely reply even though he is active on Facebook. He seems to socialize with others also. I don’t know what to be thinking. Is he pushing me away, is it personal? We never had any problems we always loved each other. When I noticed signs of depression I had tried many times for him to go see his gp but wouldn’t listen. He refused to say he had a mental illness. I asked if I could stay for a couple of days but he wasn’t having it. Eventually he had has enough saying things like we want different things and that I am only trying to help myself.I told him I would still support him but he told me to try to move on and that it could be a mistake but he feels this way now. Can you give me your opinion?

    • Stacey says:

      Hi Tara, your story is very similar to what I am going through right now. It’s heartbreaking. How are you getting on now? X

  88. KS says:

    I need some advice please. My ex of 3 years broke up with me 7 months ago as neither of us had been happy for a long time. Its not until after the relationship that I first really heard about what depression is and it explained a hell of a lot of how I’ve been thinking and feeling for some time. I’m seeking help at the moment and am genuinely starting to get my head right and my life on track. My ex and I have never discussed depression and I doubt she has any comprehension how difficult things were for me during the last 6 months of our relationship. I truly would have been absolutely terrible to be around and know this is what ended our relationship.

    I want to know that now I have begun to understand myself and get through things, is it selfish of me to go back to her now and try to explain what I’ve been going through as an explanation as to why I was the way I was. She sounds like she doing really well and is a lot happier than the last few months of our relationship. For me, trying to explain these things to her means some closure and her I think will really help me forgive myself and move on but don’t think its really fair that I unload on her when shes doing so well.


    • David says:

      KS, you story mirrors mine. My ex ended it a week after you wrote, we’d also been unhappy for some time. Its only after I realised it was my depression which had caused my behaviour and I can see now that was Toxic for her and our kids (her two and my one). I know my behaviour ended it. It also realised that I’d been depressed for the whole 2 years, evidenced by my total lack of sex drive for 14 months….I’m gutted. I loved her completely and feel ambushed and sabotaged by this horror illness that has decimated my life and made the woman I love, hate me and want to ignore me…

      She has met someone else within 3 weeks of us ending and is completely NC with me…its hell, as I know she has no concept of what I have been going through, describing me as feeling ‘a bit sad’ when I texted her telling her that not being able to talk to her was so devastating….since kicking me out she’s completely avoided any eye to eye contact, and only talked to me by fb chat which caused a misunderstanding leading her to post several underhand statuses on fb which realy hurt….

      I’m riding a roller coaster of pain at the moment, I just wish I could get off and explain to her face to face….

  89. Dana says:

    Hi. I’m Dana. Pat and I have been dating for 2.5 years. It was instant love. We moved in together after 6 months. After a year of living together his drinking became a real problem. Our last month together he became very withdrawn, everything described in the e-book. He isolated himself from me and I felt I was not loved anymore and he was a different person – then went on a drinking binge…a very bad one…and was treating me like an enemy. I told him I can’t deal with his drinking problem and we broke up. For 3 months, he tried to get me back. He joined AA and did 90 meetings in 90 days. He became very serious about the program, very into religion and community service and helping others. In the 3 months, I dated around but all I wanted was Pat. After 3 months we decided to work on things. We had 7 amazing months together. He had become so self reflective. He appreciated me so much and I no longer sweat the small stuff. I thanked God every day for bringing Pat back to me as a better and stronger man. About a month ago, Pat came to me crying. He said he thought that by cutting out drinking his depression would go away. He said he has been experiencing depression his whole life and it’s worse than ever. He has been sober for a year but he feels like he needs something else. He explained that he is going to go on meds and help himself but he sees how his depression brings me down and it makes him feel worse. He said we are not right for each other and although he loves me, it will never work. He said therapists told him he has a long road ahead of him and he won’t keep hurting me b/c he will be battling this for years. If I cried or told him I’d be there for him – he would get angry and mean, which was very unlike him. We didn’t speak much for a month and then this weekend he picked up his stuff from the house while I was at work. I cried all weekend long to the point where my parents were worried that I was going to hurt myself. I will not hurt myself but I do recognize that this is weak behavior and after a month and a half of being broken up I do have to try and move on. Still, it seems impossible. I gave in and texted him that I miss him. He replied with “I miss you too but you can’t keep doing this it’s too hard.” I said “It doesn’t have to be hard we both love each other.” He said he couldn’t text b/c he was driving so I called him. On the phone he yelled at me. He said he does not want to be in a relationship and he doesn’t want me to call him anymore and I need to move on. Then he hung up on me. Later he texted me that he’s sorry he takes it out in anger but it really just hurts him to know that he has hurt me and he is in a dark place and he does love me but that is not enough and can I please not call him anymore and just move on and be happy. I feel like I am dying inside. Like how can he tell me he loves me but can’t be with me and how can hearing me sad over him and missing him make him angry and be mean to me when he has never been mean to me before? He’s a great guy yet he feels like everything he touches turns to shit. In one breath he will tell me I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and if God wants us together a year from now he will put us together. In another breath he will yell that I need to move on and find someone else b/c he can’t be what I need and he doesn’t want a relationship. He said he hopes down the line we can be friends. FRIENDS?!!? My friends and family are sick of hearing me and I am sick of myself. I feel like I can’t function at home or work and I am truly scaring myself. I don’t know why I want a man who is so weak that he can’t be there for me and so depressed that he feels the need to be nasty to me. I don’t know if I am holding onto the happy go lucky Pat who I fell in love with. I know he has a lot of baggage and I have supported him all the way through. He says he will be eternally grateful to me for that. But then he tells me not to call him anymore. It hurts so bad and I’m pushing my family and friends away b/c they are sick of hearing me cry after a month and a half. I remember this being a great support group for my last break up, but I don’t even think I knew what love was back then. My love for Pat is so deep that I swallowed my pride (which I never do) and begged him to come back yesterday. He only yelled at me that that would be all wrong and I need to move on and leave him alone to heal. I’m a disaster. I’m the person who always had it all together and I am falling apart…Life is just too hard. Please help me!!! Any feedback would be so appreciated.

    • KD says:

      Hi Dana, I’m sorry to hear your story. Unfortunately, the more you try to cling to your depressed partner, the more he will pull away. Put some space between you for a couple of weeks and then just send a friendly text, telling him about something amusing that’s happened in your life, or asking a question about a sports team/ band that he likes. Whatever you do, leave out any emotion and just treat him like a friend. If he responds, keep the conversation non emotional. If he doesn’t respond, try again in another couple of weeks.

      Your best hope is that you can be a friend to him and, in time, when the medication kicks in, things might progress into a relationship again. There are no guarantees however, and you could be waiting an awfully long time.

      In the meantime, try to live your life as well as you can. Don’t let depression get a hold of you too! It’s difficult to break up with someone you love, but as the days go by, things WILL get easier.

      The Depression Fallout forums are a brilliant place to go to for support by the way.

      • dana says:

        Thank you SO much for your reply. I have had a really hard time. It’s challenging getting through life and my depression is only situational, missing him. I can’t imagine feeling that empty for no reason. I read the e-book, “Surviving Depression Together.” While some parts were hopeful, the book scared me. It showed me that he is not just leaving for me and he feels that I am not making him happy. It stressed what a life long struggle this will be and that we will still struggle even if we do get back together. It’s really hard, feels like my best friend and love is a stranger. 🙁

        • KD says:

          You’re very welcome. It does make things even more difficult when family and friends don’t understand, so I would advise you to join the forum I recommended and vent as much as you need to on there.
          All the best.

    • Kristina says:

      Hi Dana,

      I am going through exactly what you went through, and was told the exact same things by my ex-bf. I dont’ know how to help but at least you are not alone. I know exactly how to you feel, especially about not wanting to bring my family and friends down who don’t quite understand the complexities of why I love and want someone who doesn’t want me. I’m usually the person who is strong but these days I feel so weak and all I want is to be next to him. Good luck to you. Take care.

  90. fedup says:

    I have been with my husband for 22 years and found this website whilst looking about depression. I must say it has been a world of support for me. 5 months ago my husband changed from a loving caring man to someone totally different. He told me he was down and stressed at work i went to the docs with him but when she offered him something to change his mood as she didnt discuss depression with him as she could see he would never admit that to her as he is a manly man he said no. things progressively got worse i accused him of having an affair twice although i know thats not true but his behaviour towards me had changed so dramatically. He then stopped talking to me and emotionally detached himself with me he said he felt uncomfortable in my company after 4 months of this i left for 3 days when i returned he told me he loved me and that he wanted to carry on things have got better but he is still very distant from me he now says that he has never been down that i told him to leave his job which i didnt . he has now tried to turn things round and make it look like its ne that has the problem, i am trying to just carry on but its hard

    • Sandie says:

      FedUp – I feel your pain, and also empathize with your frustration. You do NOT have the problem, so don’t let him gaslight you. That said, in many ways he simply cannot help what he is doing and saying. It sounds as though you went to an MD or DO. What you need to do is get him to see a therapist. If you can get him to begin talk therapy with someone, possibly along with some medication, it should help. The therapist may discuss therapy sessions with you, also, to help understand what he is going thru and also help you cope – live YOUR life. At some point, he/she may suggest couples therapy – when the time is right and your spouse is on a good path.
      You are not alone. There are many of us out there who experience the same things. The illness is the culprit – not your husband. If you can find a way to separate the two in your mind it may help you recover, and forgive. Yes, forgive – because you are feeling hurt and you are angry at the illness that has taken over your best friend.
      Take a deep breath. Know you are not alone. Seek support from family or friends or church groups or even a mental health caregivers support group. Find something away from him just for yourself. Then when you are together you will have more emotional strength to carry through.
      Don’t for one second give in and believe when he is blaming you. That is a classic ploy! He is hoping you will want him to be better so much so that you will accept the blame thinking that will help him get better. He CANNOT get better by making you feel worse.
      You can love him. You can support him. But, you cannot solve this FOR him. HE is ultimately in charge of getting better. Set some boundaries, even though that may be difficult. And if you don’t feel you can give those boundaries to him – as he may get unreasonable toward you – write them down, in a journal or online in an email journal, where only you can see them. Make them your mantra. When he gets tough, read them, say them to yourself.
      Let me know if any of this helps. YOU are OKAY!

      • fedup says:

        Thank you for your support. He has said it is a maariage problem and tells everyone the same we have had 22 years of happiness and his behaviour has changed so much very quickly. at first it was he felt down didnt like what he saw in the mirror felt that i didnt want him i stepped up and showed him how much i did with love cards texts and also a spa weekend away he just got worse. he emotionally detatched himself from me for a time then i left when i came back he said he loved me and has always maintained that he took me out for nights out and things improved but it was still not him it was like being with a different person. sex has been more but different its like he is fantacising the other day he asked what my fantasy was i said i didnt have one and asked him what his was to which he replied he wanted to take a photo of myself playing with myself so the could wank over it. thats not like him at all he has never discussed anything like that with me over the 22 years we have been together. He has fooled everyone saying he is not depressed as he acts so normal he works alot and comes home every night. the other day he said he wasnt happy with the marriage he said he didnt want to go over old ground as to what was wrong and that perhaps it had come to a point where we had just come to the end of the line but i think after 22 years we should work at ay problems which i hasten to add i dont really know what they are. he then said he thinks we should take a break from each other so i went to my sisters again for the afternoon she then went and spoke to him he told her he wasnt depressed he loved me but we had a maariage problem dont think she even nderstood what was going on she said she didnt think he was depressed although he could have been hiding it well. i went back that night as i didnt want to be away from home that was 2 days ago he cuddled me in bed for both nights I am so confused. I have decided that there is nothing more that i can do. but as none of this is my fault if he wants to leave it will have to be him that goes. i am financially insecure because of him as he started a business 6 years ago when we owned our own house my inheritance went into that house we had equity in it until he took out a secured loan for the business the business failed and we lost everything he went bankrupt but i didnt so the deficit of the house debt went to me i support him through all this and never blamed him but if he leaves me now and we go separate ways i have no means of supporting myself i work full time but cant afford to rent a property on the wage i get. Its so hard i dont know which way to turn.

        • Sandie says:

          You have it right: if he wants to go, let him, but do not leave. It sounds more like he is testing you, testing whether you will stay or go….and he really wishes it is the former. I went through something similar and that is what the therapist determined. Mine was afraid I WOULD leave, so he kept up the banter of leaving/staying. It was enough to make my head spin.
          Get yourself to a therapist, soon! Even if he chooses not to go, this person can help you cope and get through. This might spur him into going. BTW – for so long I thought no one else believed mine was depressed. He put on such a good show. Fortunately I have highly educated parents and siblings. They saw through him, and that has been a blessing for me – for both of us.
          Mine is much calmer now. And I know better how to get through the ‘out there’ times. But, it took several years to get here. Marriage is work. Marriage dealing with an illness takes a different kind of work, especially an illness that is not visible like a broken limb or cancer that shows in a weakened body.
          I worried too, about the ‘no means of support’. We are better together financially. Remember – one step at a time. No hasty decisions. He hasn’t left yet. He may be just ‘trying it on for size’. But now that you are facing this ‘illness’, it is a good time to take stock and think about HOW to get along financially on your own. Maybe just making a plan will help you feel a bit better, a bit calmer, even if you never need to follow through.

          • fedup says:

            Just an update on what has happened. My husband left last week and checked into an hotel for 3 nights i was beside myself he said he needed a break and was unhappy with the marriage but would not discuss what the problem was as he said he didnt want to go over old ground. I still have no idea what the problem is. He said he felt uncomfortable with me but tells me he loves me we have sex and he cuddles me in bed every night. I sobbed incontrollably for the 3 days which was unfair on our daughter so i asked him to come back which he did he said he felt numb and like he had hit a brick wall he also said that i needed to know that throughout all this he has loved me. he was quiet the first night back and ignored both me and our daughter which is totally unlike him she feels pushed away by him aswel he also has no interest in our grandchildren and the oldest who is 9 had a great relationship with him and he is now thinking that he doesnt love him anymore. As he wont speak about depression and tells everyone he has a maariage problem its very hard for me i go from thinking yes he is depressed to is he having an affair although he doesnt go out other than working and stays at home all weekends and there has been nothing suspictious about his spending on the account.I spoke to my councilor and she said she thought he was depressed but as she hasnt seen him she can only go on what i have told her she has advised me to just get on with life as normal dont ask how he is and leave him to get on with it. But im scared he will leave again. i can normally tell what mood he is in by his face when he has colour in his cheeks he is normally ok with us when he is pale thats when the marriage problem comes up again saying hes not happy.This is driving me crazy and taking over my life i have gone on antidepressents myself to try cope with it all. It seems so strange that he can be off with me and our daughter not speaking etc then take a phone call and speak as normal laughing and joking.after 5 months of this i am very tired and not sure how much i can take will he ever get better without treatment. also when he came back from his break he looked terrible he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders

  91. Neldridge says:

    Hi everyone.
    I’ve been with my partner coming on 3 years now. After the year together I moved in to his place with his parents. I’ve known he’s been different since the day I met him which is one of the things that attracted me to him. He has a different view on the world.
    I moved out of his parents about a month ago as he was feeling like he had no personal space anymore and was feeling suffocated which when it comes down to it, is easy to understand as its tough living with a parent let alone with your girlfriend.
    Depression runs in his family and both his sister and mother have it. They’ll the most wonderful family but sometimes have a difficult time. When I moved out he promised it wouldn’t be perminant and that by this April we will have a place of our own.
    We’ve started saving and we’ve both been so excited looking for places etc. he’s been low recently because he hates his job but has to stay in it for a further year as he is on a 4 year apprenticeship. When we are intimate it’s amazing but lately it’s been slacking on both of our half. When we make love it makes us so happy but we never seem to make the effort.
    He knows that he has something wrong with him but I think he’s scared to admit what it is. He hates that his mum takes medication for it and sees it as a weakness. He has a fear of the doctor so there’s no convincing him to talk to someone other than me.
    Now I know he’s been low but I don’t really know what he’s going through so don’t know what advise to give him when he hits a low point.
    This week had been better and he told me he’d gathered his thoughts and realised what was important and that he would just have to suffer for that year as it will benefit for the future. He also decided that taking out a 6,000 loan that he planned for getting a new car was also not a good idea…hallelujah right? Ever since then we’ve been so happy, took me for lunch yesterday and told me he’s so happy and so in love. Then on the way home he asked to stop at our usual place for coffee, I declined and all hell broke loose.
    He went into complete silence and when I tried to talk to him he shouted at me and told me to stop. We arrived back and locked the door and told me to do what I want. I wanted to sort things so went in.
    When I went in he told me to leave him alone. I refused and wanted to sort things. This made him flip out and lose his temper; he would be fine on his own and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. After pushing him to answer whether he loved me he point blankly told me no. He told me to take my rat (the rabbit we shared that he brought me) and leave him alone so I did.
    Since then I’ve heard nothing from him which is usual when we argue (which is rare). I’ve spoken to his mum and she’s unsure what he wants and so does his sister. They’ve contacted me, not them. She told me he’d cleaned the rabbit out today and that was spending the rest of his time watching TV on his own.
    I know I need to leave him alone but it’s hard because normally I’m the one talking him out of his low points so I’ve sent him loads of irrational texts. I’ve yet to have a response.
    I’m so scared it’s over but I’m unsure why because I know him, I know he loves me and I’d know if there was something wrong with us but there wasn’t at this point.
    He was low the week before because of work and the car situation. I’m so confused and just want to talk to him. I need some advise in the mean time…

    • Neldridge says:

      Also, we’ve got holidays planned ahead and was literally talking yesterday about how excited he is. We were also planning our annual trip to London at xmas and down to South for the summer. I’m just so confused as it was all so ‘normal’ up until then?

      • Heartbroken says:

        Hi, I know this was written a while ago but can I ask what ended up happening? I’m in similar situation as you except I didn’t get his family involved. One minute he told me to wait for him because he was tired of his negative thoughts and wanted to get his medicine. Then about a week later (he hadn’t gone to his doctors yet) he had a bad day and I refused to leave him alone and he told me first that there’s nothing to love about him, and when I reassured him he told me to leave him alone, that he feels nothing for me, to move on, and that I act so crazy which hurt me so much. It’s been 4 days since last contact but I’m clueless if he meant that or if it was his depression.

  92. pd says:

    Hi, this really hit home for me.

    I’m suffering in the aftermath of a recent breakup. My partner and I agreed he should go back to his home country after months of him struggling here (the UK). It was a long history between us, back and forth long distance communication since we met 4 years ago and I was always left waiting for him to return, this didnt happen after waiting around for ages, so we dropped communication for a while. He then reappeared here last july and it was meant to be a reunion only, but we both fell in love and he wanted to stay and build a future with me.

    Now, I blame myself for what went wrong after that, because we partied on the weekends (by that I mean recreational drug taking – usually because I said lets party, so I initiated it). I know he could make his own choice if he wanted partake or not, but we were having a good time and he went along with it. I also look back on this time because my mum had cancer and I think I needed an escape / self medicate a bit. By no means am I an addict of any sort, but it was weekend fun times to let my hair down.

    He got a job here and his focus became lost, it was a demeaning role and his boss publicly humiliated him for the tiniest mistakes in front of the entire office. He eventually broke down and lost the job. After that he was a shell of himself, he then confessed to having sex addiction (since the age of 14). He said he’d be faithful to me but this addiction on top of others he had, were boiling underneath. Also, his parents always let him down with big promises of financial support so he could study here and not worry about money, that didnt happen but he had mounting debt from his home country. He then retreated into himself more and more, and I gave so much to help him and probably smothered him in the process. I made nice dinners, took him to a spa day, offered him to live at mine… any kind of support because I wanted him to be on track but he didnt want to take up my offer of living at mine (for free) and preferred being on his uncle’s couch.

    I got upset and frustrated at times because it was so heavy, but never lashed out or called him names or anything like that. He said he didn’t want a future with me and all the plans he had promised before so I said, you need to go back to your country, heal and get support from your friends and family and whats familiar to you and let me go. I was more worried about his state of mind and being able to get better help at home, than I was about my own needs and wants. But I’m still devastated. He said his issues outweighed us, they were always there and brewing away and that he likely had a form of depression for the last 15 years but tried to suppress it. No matter what I did, he said it wouldn’t change anything.

    Please can someone offer me some guidance, I feel like I’m a bad person and a negative influence. I know we partied but I didn’t know if this was the catalyst for it or the cause of how badly he turned out.

    • GTL says:

      It’s not your fault. Like he said, this was brewing for 15 years. Sure, drugs don’t help your mental situation in any case, but he is a big boy and can make his own decisions.

      It sounds like you’ve been patient, loving and kind. You obviously care a lot to be on this site in the first place. It’s great that you are still able to set boundaries and stand up for yourself when your needs aren’t met. Continue to take care of yourself and create the future you want with or without him. I know this sounds easier said than done, but my partner just left our relationship too due to depression and wanting to work on himself on his own. Our relationship was amazing and now it’s over… but I will press on and you can too.

  93. Jen says:

    My partner of 3 and a half years has been battling with depression for the past 3 months or so. In this time his personality has become a bit of a rollercoaster. Even though he has isolated himself and had to take time off work he has always made it clear how much he loves me and couldn’t live life without me. The only real issue has been lack of intimacy to which I have tried to be understanding of and not pressure him even though it hurts me deeply.
    About 3 weeks ago I messaged him to come over and he said no but I was pushy and put a bit of pressure on him as to why he didn’t want to spend time with me. He responded by messaging that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he fell out of love with me a good few months ago. I’m a good person but he just doesn’t ever want to be with me again. This has just come to such a shock for me as days previous to this he couldn’t emphasise enough how important it was that he has me in his life. I was completely heartbroken. 3 days later he messaged me to see if I was ok and asked me over to talk. This man is the love of my life so of course I jumped at the chance. He told me he was so sorry for what he said he didn’t mean it and he did love me he just couldn’t explain what was wrong. I was just so happy to have him beside me that I didn’t force him to talk about it any longer even though I felt extremely insecure inside. We spent the next few days happily doing out Norma things together and I felt so happy! But the next day I asked him to meet and he said no and that I had to stop being so intense. That word really pained me so I appologised and agreed to back off. It was nearly a week before we spoke again where he said he still didn’t think the relationship was working and there was strain put on it because we weren’t talkint. I was only trying to do the right thing by him and either way I wasn’t making him happy. He then continued to say that it was true that he didn’t love me and the only reason he took me back was because he felt bad that he had hurt me so much.

    So now after a couple weeks no contact I am so lost. I am completely in love with that man we had planned a future together. I just can’t come to terms with what he has said as I don’t know what the real truth is, does he love me or not?
    I would do anything to reach him and to have him back like before but I worry he will never come back to me. I refuse to believe he doesn’t love me as he couldn’t tell me enough about how special I was to him until recently. Help 🙁

    • DL says:

      the unfortunate truth, and it pains me as well, my experience has been similar. its been going on a year and half since she devalued me and disappeared, and time hadnt healed a damn thing. it hurts the same as the day. so i can’t speak with any significance regarding “healing or recovery”. but i do know. love you or not, come back or not, ……you don’t want to spend your life with someone who treats in such manner. you’re worth way more then spending you life with such a confused and hurtful person. besides, nothing is more dangerous and hurtful than someone who doesn’t know what they want. neither of us got closure or any modicum respect, much less of any answer why the seemingly overnight, disappear leaving only the charred smell of their bizarre and new hatred to you. regardless, the “why”, sadly, is the same in almost everycase, once you peel off all the misdirection, false alibi, excuses, or rebranding the name, its still same, they ARE OR WANT TO BE with someone else or be in a position to accept an opportunity for such. they can call whatever they’d prefer, but like she said to me, “it is what it is. ” ultimately and ironically behind every single partner there after, is left a trail of ashes in their wake. doom and disaster. then back to us. but not anymore. your worth more. theyll come to their realization of what they lost and carelessly so, but this time, dont be there. dont break their fall. dont react. walk away and give yourself a chance to live, to find someone who really loves you and doesnt leave, ….,again, and again. a pattern repeated in all their past relationships if one cares to look carefully.

  94. Emily says:

    My partner and I were together for 7 years.
    About four months ago his father passed away somewhat suddenly.
    He is the most caring guy I know, and also incredibly outgoing and confident. I knew he was struggling to cope with the loss, and offered support where I could but knew I couldn’t push him into getting grief counselling.
    All of a sudden he walked out. He says he is so overwhelmed he doesn’t know what he feels about anything and that we were probably never going to make it in the long run.
    After all of this he has decided he may be depressed and is going to seek help. He refuses to discuss his issues with anyone else, but divulges all of his feelings of worthlessness and guilt and misery to me, but then still says he doesn’t think we can work.
    I don’t know if this is the depression or we are just done for good?

  95. Sherri says:

    I was specifically seeking an article dealing with this topic as I recently lost my flat to a fire on Christmas day, which caused my former partner’s cats to perish, and now in the wake of all this loss, we have split up. He has bipolar disorder, I have major depression; we reconnected after 20 years hoping to build what we weren’t able to when we were in college. I thought this event could make or break us and it has broken us; while I hoped we would find a way to heal together upon our reuniting after the fire and the conclusion of our holiday visits with family (we were out of town up until just last Saturday and hadn’t seen each other for weeks), and after the hope that him telling me the first night back together that he wanted to get married and stop playing house, and that with that commitment, he would be able to rebuild and recover, last night he declared he could not heal remaining here and he hoped we could maintain a long-distance relationship for the indefinite period he would need to stay away and back with his parents. My heart sank, and I went into planning mode, thinking I just needed to give him the space to do what he needs to do and I would take care of myself, but the more it sunk it, the more it felt like a slap in the face. If partners cannot heal from an event like this together, then what of the so-called partnership? I eventually told him that to protect myself, as he was trying to protect himself, that I would need to end things under the circumstances. He is on his way back his parents in Southern California now and I am left with anger and sadness that he chose this cowardly path, and that the relationship was so weak that his inner demons could so easily take precedence. As a person who lives with recurring depression, I know one makes a choice, with every episode, whether to allow the depression to rule your life. He has chosen to be married to his illness, not me, and that is the ultimate insult to someone who was supposed to be the long lost love of his life. I will move on, but I now appreciate the challenges of managing both my own condition and that of a partner, particularly when there is a lack of commitment to true recovery. While he was consistently in treatment and on meds, he was going through the motions; he did not manifest an interest in deeply re-evaluating his thoughts, values, or behaviors, and as long as these remain the same for him, I do not believe he will ever be able to live a full life and manage the internal strife that he has become so accustomed to. As they say, you stick to the misery you know. I can at least take solace that my work to become open to change and challenge in order to not have depression rule my life means I can let go of the familiar misery and embrace the uncertainty, and possibility, of things being better.

    • Fred says:

      I really have an issue with this. As someone with a mental health condition I would expect there to be more empathy for someone’s suffering.

      I understand that you’re in pain and I’m sorry for that. Yet I’m bothered by the implication that to be better we just have to want it enough. I got enough accusations of such from my non-depressed ex to accept such from someone who should know better. You can have no real idea as to whether his experience with mental illness is the same as yours.

      I’m thrilled that you’ve found a successful way to manage yours and hope the same for all of us.

      • Sherri says:

        Fred, I appreciate your perspective. I think my experience demonstrates the challenge of managing one’s own condition while trying to be supportive of her partner’s, and I failed. I am grieving and angry like anyone might be with the demise of a meaningful relationship but fully understand it was my own limitations that contributed to it because of our very different approaches and my lack of capacity. That recognition does not take away the hurt. And I think ot parallels the experiences of anyone, disgnosed or not, who lost their partner with a clear illness because they could no longer bear the burden of not ever knowing if things could get better.

        • Sherri says:

          And to be clear since I wasn’t due to my emotional state, since the premise of the original article posed the illness against the partner/relationship as cause of demise, the juxtaposition intrigued me because in my case, it’s clearly both in my opinion-our illnesses and from my selfish standpoint, his lack of conviction for our relationship. I can be someone who lives with depression and understand its limitations but still be hurt by the effects of another’s.

        • Fred says:


          Do I ever understand. My former partner blamed my depression for her walking out on me. I feel like a complete failure for not managing my illness to her satisfaction.

          I’m having tremendous difficulty believing in a brighter future, but that hope is all I’ve got. Here’s hoping for all of is.

          • Amy says:

            Sherri I can sympathise with how you feel, its so difficult to switch off the emotions when you have seen someone give in and let this illness take over them. My boyfriend (who hid his depression) had been displaying behaviour over the last few months that I could not understand. When we first met we spoke of a future together, marriage, children and so forth. To see someone retreat into themselves and not to even fight is so sad. I am torn between my own emotions of pain, sadness, grief, disappointment and anger as well as my emotions of sadness and empathy for him and his situation. I have even tried to tell him that depression seems to have reared its ugly head in his life again and gently asked him to receive help to avoid him from sinking further.

            Wishing you all the best

  96. Ivan says:

    It is reassuring to see a lot of people went through what I’m going through. I’m 23 years old and even though I have not been diagnosed, I’m quite certain I suffer from depression for a few years now. I have been together with my girlfriend for the past 2 years.
    I have up and down periods, with downs usually lasting anywhere from 4 to 10 months. During these times I feel like an empty shell and am completely unable to get anything done besides staying home and read, browse the internet; meeting people, going out, interacting with anybody is a suffering.

    My girlfriend has been pressuring me for some time now about future, children, wedding because she is already 27 years old, but I can’t even get myself together for my own future as I have yet to study (of course I can’t get anything done in that regard) and this gets her very despaired. She is naturally a very social and outgoing person, and my antisocial periods are making her unhappy and distressed.
    Since today she has been seriously considering breaking up and discussed about it with me. She said I should do efforts and fix it so that we can start going in the same direction, saying my negativity is impacting her as well.
    I understand her but I wished she would better understand I don’t have any control on it. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even feel upset or sad, as I felt like I grew distant from her with the time spent feeling void of emotions. Maybe it would be better for her as someone can probably take better care of her happiness than me. I really don’t know what to do.

    • April says:

      I am so u. I don’t know what to do at this point. Me n my husband now are going on 9 yrs. Just got married on New years eve 2014. I havent even gone to change my last name but have asked for a divorce already. After reading some articles I’ve realized I’ve must have been depressed the majority of my life. The beginning of our relationship was soo mesmerizing and different to me. I actually felt loved. A month later I’m pregnant but it was planned. Now thinkng back… we’ve been arguing since then. Over years of arguing, horrible, physical fights, in front of our children… unspeakable actions and regrets…he feels the need to wk out if town just cause he can’t stand to b around. That, …cuts like a knife. I’ve ruined everything. I know what I desire and want. But my mind, thoughts, and actions are preventing that.

  97. Robyn says:

    My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 days ago because we have been arguing so much we forgot how to be happy, and it’s all my fault. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for about a year now and recently started cognitive behavioural therapy and I don’t feel it is doing me any good. He can’t handle me anymore, I just make him so unhappy and he is starting to hate me. I love him so much and I know this is all my fault and I don’t know how I am going to get through this. Will he ever love me if I get better? Do I have to just try forget about him and write him out of my life completely? Will he ever trust me enough to believe me if I ever do get better. I feel so alone as he has been there since day one and he was always the one who I cried to when I felt low and that is the reason he left me because he felt like he was simply my crutch and I didn’t care about him in all of this. I’m on antidepressants which I really thought were working but I just don’t know anymore I’m very confused and it’s christmas next week and I’m so angry at him for doing this to me now. I wish somebody could help me be a normal person again so I don’t ruin my life any further

    • Fred says:


      My answer to this question has changed dramatically over the last four months; in August my domestic partner of 5 years walked out on me with no warning, and one of the excuses she used was that she was tired of managing my depression.

      Depression is a medical issue. Life isn’t always easy. What if this had been cancer? What if you have cancer later in life? Does this behavior indicate that your ex is someone who would weather any storm with you?

      You did not cause this. This is not your fault. Depression lies to us. You need to focus on yourself and do whatever you need to in order to find good health. I’m guessing that once you do, you’ll accept (like I’m trying so hard to) that your ex doesn’t deserve the good times n your life if he couldn’t handle things when they were bad.

      • Jay says:

        It’s nice to read posts regarding this monster of an illness as it forces you to think through your own situation using a perspective other than your own distorted one. While there is no comfort in knowing others struggle with the big D, it is comforting to know that we are not alone.

        Fred, I am very sorry to hear of your situation and Robyn as well. Wanted to throw another perspective out there after reading your comments. Have u recognized and acknowledged what your partners may have been going through and really thought about whether they really did try to help? It’s hard I know, but just to bare the pain of losing something worth fighting for, make sure u have found the strength to place yourself in the shoes of your partner. The D can hide and bury the efforts of others and make you feel like they did nothing to help and are just giving up on u. It’s easier to see this as a disease, an illness, if both parties feelings are discussed and respected, whether right or wrong.

        My life is falling apart by the day however, its been a 2+ year build up to this point. I’ve been in a relationship for 7+ years. We bought a house 5 years ago and have been engaged for a year and a half. The last 2 years have been a roller coaster ride I wouldn’t dream of placing even my worst enemy on.

        Fiancé has struggled with major depression for 2 years. In these 2 years, he has lost his career, pushed every friend and family member away except for his parents and has been at home unemployed for some time now. In and out of drs. Meds not helping but refuses to seek additional help or make any life changes. I seem to have been, and continue to be serving the role of his personal punching bag. Now, he places all blame on me. Blames me for the lack of intimacy, not communicating, not being a partner, oh the list goes on. The worst is the comment that I have not been supportive over these last 2 years.

        Over these 2 years, while i now know this was not a healthy way of “helping” him, i have lied to family and friends on our MIA and no show patterns to “protect” him and his reputation to avoid future stigmas.

        This situation we are in has damaged every relationship that exists in my life. I too lost 5 of my best friends and have kept family at an arms length. I have 2 nephews I’ve seen 4x in the past 1.5 years (they live locally) grandparents that are slipping health wise. Tried to talk to family but they “just cant understand”. Years u cannot get back. BUT, I chose this as I thought this was helping. He felt me going out with friends or to family functions was me leaving him behind and moving on in life without him. So, not wanting to further add to the issues and genuinely understanding how he could feel such a way in this altered state of mind, I honored this feeling of his, to an extent.

        I had struggled myself a year ago but meds helped me and I was able to pull it together. I have, well had, a very stressful job that brought a great deal of responsibility. Was fired early this month. That in combo with trying to help fiancé overcome the D, being solely responsible for all financials, now both without health insurance, everything we touch breaking, literally, while losing the few close friends i had and now dealing with the family dynamics this has created, is really a lot to ask someone to deal with.

        Now read that last paragraph to him and he would laugh saying, it’s mine and my families fault and that I haven’t been supportive or tried to help us get passed this mess. REALLY? How long can you ask someone to put up with self destructive behavior? I’m sure I may have added to some of it but for crying out loud, I’m trying my best. I have now again spiraled to a new low. Fired from my job at the beginning of the month has been the icing on the cake. He doesn’t care.

        So now I ask, how can u not consider leaving that person, regardless of how much u love them? This is about more than just us at this point. This is affecting lives of many others. If I’m losing my own will to carry on, how are u supposed to help someone else?

        Struggling to understand……..

  98. Lesley says:

    I don’t know what to think about all of with a depressed partner. Our relationship has forever changed, not as sweet and loving as I’ve always known. You don’t know when the next sentence will set them off and so on, constant blaming, the effects they have on everyone around them. In my case I know first hand people avoid him, his own family and friends. How many ” I’m sorry” can one accept. How can you work on regaining trust when it is constantly being challenged. I feel really bad thinking it let alone writing it. Xmas parties are coming up and not sure if I want to go as a couple, not sure what mess he will stir up that night again feel horrible thinking it but this is my life and not enjoying this part of it.

    Hopefully for a calmer 2015

  99. Kim says:

    I know I’ve been depressed since high school (I’m 38) & was diagnosed with ADHD & major depression. I’ve only been on Celexa for a week. Putting my ex boyfriend through 7 years of hell has ruined our relationship. Fighting constantly & blaming him for all the problems, me accusing him of cheating on me, not being able to be there for him emotionally let alone physically, tired all the time, I just never felt happy or good enough for him. I just never knew how to put his needs first. I felt like this horrible monster all the time! Although he tells me he has never strayed, the thoughts were there after finding some interesting emails & text messages. Ive only been Medication for 2 weeks & going to see a councilor every other week is helping. It will be a long journey of recovery, I really do still love him to this day. Realizing the all the damage I caused, words cannot explain how I wish I could undo everything.

  100. Syreeda says:

    I have read these comments and they are so helpful to me. My bf of 2 1/2 years has had his battles with depression. He told me that one time, when he was in college, he went to see a psychologist because he was having panic attacks. The psychologist stated that he was clinically depressed. He has since than never returned to get counseling. I have always new him, but we never dated back until 2 yrs ago. He is a wonderful guy but the depression seems to win out every time. He will isolate himself for months. He will tell me that he loves me but right now all he can feel is pain and he doesn’t want to bring me in on it. In the meantime, I don’t here from him or see him for months. I drives me crazy. I don’t know what he is doing. I got so angry and so frustrated that I ended our relationship. It pains me so deeply and I want to get back together, but I don’t trust him now, and its very difficult to build a relationship with a person who is unstable in their emotions. A woman looks for security and dependability in a man and when its not their its makes me feel insecure. I don’t like to feel like that. I have made a decision that if we get back together, I will talk to him about getting counseling. I do not want a broken man and its not ok to blame your mistreatment of others on your up bringing especially when help is everywhere. If he refuses to get help than we can not be together. I love this man so deeply, but I understand that I can’t heal him. I can not be his therapist nor can I heal his heart. Its all in Jesus’s hands. I am now concentrating on me. I have to, My sanity is at stake

  101. Jamie says:

    I find myself at some cross roads, Me and my boyfriend have been together over 5 years, we had dated before in highschool and he had found me 15 years later. He is dealing with depression but will not seek help. It has been going on for more the 4 years. Previously before being together he had been in a 12 year relationship with 2 step children. after the relationship ended he was left with nothing no job was scared the kids would hate him if they knew he was dating again. So i figured he would tell them soon about me and they could deal with it together, but he didn’t, i got pregnant and it wasn’t until our daughter was 4 months did he tell them, i did not agree with the way he dealt with this. I started noticing right before getting pregnant changes in his behavior, we both wanted marriage and children before, he had asked me to go off the pill, but then he started referring to marriage as a hanging, and that he didn’t want any children. I though he was going threw stuff and would snap back, when i got pregnant i thought this is just the hope he needs to get out of his rut. When our daughter was born he got worse blaming stress on me and his family even our daughter, the day she was born he blew up at the hospital because i didn’t agree with a name he had thought up (right then) he yelled and stormed out. After going home he wouldn’t get up till the late afternoon, he said so he could keep an eye on her at night, would yell at me about his stress that i didn’t respect him because i wanted to give our daughter breast milk. i could not stay there with him and his family, i felt isolated so me and our daughter moved out in hope that he would feel less stressed and we could find our own place together the 3 of us. My daughter is turning 3 his depression is getting worse the holidays are coming and thats when it usually gets bad, for the last 3 years he’s blown up on the holidays threatening me (to take our daughter or worse) saying malicious things and to his family to. He looks like the man i grew up with, the man i fell in love with but definitely isn’t. Every time i bring up the change or i would like the person i knew back he tells me this is how he is now and not to expect that to change. Now i’m thinking i should walk away, but i feel guilty all the time for having that feeling. I know this is depression, his anger, the excuses (why he can never participate in anything with me or our daughter examp birthdays or day to day things), the sleeping to late, the making friends when he does go anywhere (not friends that’s sarcasm it’s just what he says when he gets in fist fights, making friends), the threats of him blowing up and having control of everything making everyone fear him. This is not him and thats why i feel guilty, but i feel i can’t hold on anymore without falling in myself more then i already have. They pain i feel right now is very hard (i’m crying typing this)i love my boyfriend but hate the person he is now, how it hurts our family, how me and our daughter only gets to see him once a week. How we no longer have any physical contact such as kissing or holding hands. how i’m constantly blamed for a myriad of things, some making no sense like a 2 year old not sitting still or calling our daughter spoiled i she gets upset, quoting how he has raised 2 children and knows better. Constant criticism and then says he doesn’t ever say anything. I find myself a lot of time not sleeping or crying over the things he’d said and i keep telling myself this is not him, if i leave he could get worse, i don’t want my daughter to lose her father. i try my best to be supportive but i feel i’m walking on eggshells, the time i do spend with him dreading it, what will be said, how will i be put down this week and not feeling i can say anything because anger has taken him, everything is someone else or my fault in his eyes. so keep going in circles. i feel i have to leave since he will not go get help, i can’t handle the mental abuse or the lack of connection with him, i keep telling myself he doesn’t realize he’s doing it, also scared of what he would do threats of taking our daughter or physical harm, but i am so tired. I want him to get help but his ideology is people who seek help are weak, and he says he is extremely strong willed that he doesn’t need help people should just stop stressing him out. He says if he was working all would be fine, but he isn’t looking and mentioning that is bad so i haven’t done so in a couple years. When can a person say they’ve tried all they have. Can a person really say goodbye to a loved one when there right in front of you physically. What damage will this do if i go, how much damage if i stay. How do explain this to our daughter.

  102. Larry says:

    Hello I’ve been reading all the posts here, My name is Larry I have a beautiful wife’s 14-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter.i’ve been married for 16 years and about three months ago me and my wife decided to get a divorce. She said if I moved out we could see a marriage counselor and see if we can’t make it work. After our first initial visit it was clear that my wife did not love me anymore. But during the first visit was recommended that I see somebody on my own to my surprise I was diagnosed clinically depressed and I believe emotionally withdrawn from everything around me. I have a great Doc that helps me out a lot once a week I’ve come a long ways in this last three months but I lost everything that I love and care about. My wife started texting a man she had a relationship with him 21 years ago, And expecting me to watch the kids 11/1/14 so she can see him for 3 days. i’m not sure I can handle all of this. I’m 53 years old I own a construction company and my wife was very much the bookkeeper at backend. I remember months ago laying on the couch and just watching the world go by. And i do not due that any more. But know i feel like I’m just waiting for the second round to start,that is my business failing. Really do not know what to do anymore.

    • chantelle says:

      Hi Larry,
      Seems, your already doing something which is fantastic, you are seeing a Doctor and trying to help your self, I also just broke up with my partner of 3 and half years, he changed in all areas , i knew he had depression when l met him but it only got worse, some say we should stay be there for them ?? I did , i took verbal abuse , lack of any sort of affection being blamed for everything, he was just miserable all the time, the thing is l tried to get him help many many times, he would not hear of it he kept saying he did not have a problem, as time went by things started to die between us even more, but l stuck around because i loved him.. but comes a time when you have to stop and say what is this doing to me? My children? He was dragging me down too.. he was mentally exhausting me, and its not that i did not care , its that i have to think of my own sanity too,if one can not admit they have a problem and want to help them selves, there is noting any one can do to make them get help, As for you Larry, you need to get out more find yourself again, go have some fun catch up for coffee with some one,do not let depression win, do not let it ruin your business , i sense you a strong person you can do it, relationships are never easy, but when illness hits its even harder..There are a lot of people out there that probably love your company go find them 🙂 I will try to follow the same advice i give you too 🙂 I hope you succeed l bet you are doing great take care Larry be strong.

  103. Sally says:

    I started dating my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. Everything was going well, we were really happy and into eachother. Last year when we both got into college things got a little rocky- we were both confused if we wanted to be together and if one person made a mistake the other was likely to threaten breaking up (immature stuff). However, we then decided to work through the problems instead of ending our relationship. He shortly begun to become depressed. He had no friends and never wanted to do anything. A few months later he broke up with me unexpectedly. We went about 2 months broken up, saw other people, but he declared that he wanted me back and that he was happier now. We got back together and things were better then ever, except now we were long distance. He always made the hour and a half drive to come see me. Until one day, I saw a message he had sent a girl he was romantically involved with in the past (nothing serious) and he was telling her he missed her etc (I don’t know if I was overreacting because they had been friends since he was little and only were romantically involved for about 3 weeks, but still I got upset because she has been a problem before) ever since then he acted weird towards me… Didn’t show up to my birthday because “we could celebrate another day”.. He realy did not understand the importance of being there and making it up to me for messaging another girl. About a week later he told me he “wasn’t feeling it” anymofe which was shocking because a week before the fight he was tellig me he wanted to marry me and move together after college. From then on he had days where he promised he wanted me and was sure about us, but other says where he wanted nothing to do with me. Everything was fantastic and happy a week before he acted all wishy washy. After he broke up with me (one day just decided to do it even though a day before he told me he loved me)he would still text me, I had told him to leave me alone if he was serious about the break up- but he ignored that I ever said that and continued to talk to me here and there. A few days later he calls me and tells me he’s depressed and some suicidal things and asked to be friends. I was all for that. So we stayed friends but he would still say lovey things at some point and then other tones he would ignore me. One day I decided that I couldn’t help him and that he needed to help himself so I told him that we couldn’t speak so that he could get better and focus on himself… He didn’t reply and I woke up with him blocking my number. Nothing to wish me well or anything. I told his mom the things he said so that he could get the proper help and she didn’t reply either. I miss him so much and just wish he would be back to normal. I don’t know what to do 🙁 usually he has these depression episodes and comes back but this time around he swore he was sure about us and wanted me and everything.. But then just broke up with me randomly 🙁

    • Sally says:

      Also- when we got back together after his first episode he promised he wouldn’t hurt me and loved me so much. He continued to reassure me of that until he had his second episode. ;(

    • Sally says:

      One more to add: he has dealt with depression for a year now and sees a counselor, do you think our fight triggered it? He usually comes back after a week or two to about a month or two. But I’m really scared this time. How could you go from wanting to marry someone and sending the sweetest texts to just blocking them out of your life In a week when I did nothing wrong! 🙁

      • Max says:

        This is very similar to my situation…Has he come back yet?

        • Sally says:

          No. He has contacted me and told me to move on and that he’s moved on.. It’s bizzare. He says he is talking to someone but it isn’t serious and he isn’t going to date her… & He says we can be friends and maybe even hangout again in the future. It seems so real this time but his depression is worse than ever so I don’t know what to think

          • Dan says:

            This has happened to me this week, 2 weeks ago my partner and I samtayed in a hotel, had the best time an a week later she said she wants to be alone! I am suicidal but have found reading others same experiences helpful

  104. WHB says:

    I was diagnosed with clinical depression about two years ago, just a week before my 18th birthday. Since then a lot has happened, most importantly I met the most wonderful girl at school, we became friends and then lovers. One week ago she broke up with me, after almost 16 months, she was and still is my first true love.
    Her main reason is that as she is a introvert and has little energy to take care of people, her parents (mainly her depressed father) and school (we’re graduating in a few months) take up a lot of that, and she’s explained that taking care of me takes so much of her energy that there’s none left for her to take care of herself.
    Over the last two to three months we’ve grown distant, small fights occurred more oftenly, drawing on our nerves, we pretty much stopped kissing, not to speak of intimacy, all this hurting me, I’ve questioned over and over if I did something wrong, when I found the courage to ask she said it was external influences. Now when she broke up our relationship I asked if she still loves me, her answer was “not as much anymore” (maybe our relationship didn’t survive the passing of the honeymoon phase?)
    I tried talking to her about finding a new beginning, working together, with assistance from my therapist. She said she doesn’t think the feelings would come back, and would only come to a session to help me put a line beneath it and help me move on.
    I’m constantly trying to distract myself, because thinking about it for longer than a few minutes results in me not functioning at all. Does anybody have an idea what I could’ve done to prevent this?

    • KB says:

      There’s nothing anyone can do to prevent something like this happening WHB, because depression is a nasty illness that really messes with people’s minds. I would advise you to back off completely – the more you try to pull her towards you, the more she will back away. The Depression Fallout message board is a great place to find good advice and support.
      All the best.

  105. Dahlia says:

    My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, just before our one year. We had done long distance for the first part of our relationship, I had met him while I was visiting my friends. I instantly fell in love, and so did he. We were best of friends, our friends usually got annoyed as to how close and how great our bond was. We didn’t really fight, any time we did it would turn into us tickling each other or just laughing it off. Our entire relationship we talked about me moving up to go to school in the same city, when I finally did about two weeks later he had broken up with me. I was so confused and so lost. It was all we ever wanted, and then he called it quits. I knew he had been going through some hard times so I was there for him spending the night at his place and being there for him. He told me how scared, confused, sad and depressed he was. I knew he had a lot of pressure on him from his parents threatening him if e didn’t get his school work on the right path. He was applying to different organizations and was stressed about if he’d get in or not. I was always there supporting him, when we were together nothing had changed everything was perfect, when we were apart I noticed him being distant and just thought maybe we are busy, so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. One day he randomly told me how he just couldn’t be with me because he needed time for himself and he hadn’t been single for a while. I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that the guy who I loved more than any thing would leave me. He told me that it was the exact same reason why he left his ex girl friend of two years, but got back with her after a month. We ended thins badly and didn’t talk for a week until I finally told him I needed my closure in order for me to move on. He agreed and called me on the phone and we talked for an hour about everything. He told me that he needed time for himself and that I had to move on, he said that his depression was a battle in his head but him feeling emotionally detached was all him, which I didn’t understand. I asked what would happen move his depression went away and he said he was a man of his word and that I has to move on. We talked about being friends because we so have so many mutual friends, it would be tough. I don’t know what to do or what to expect. He says he’s depressed and lost feelings for me… But I don’t understand how you can lose feelings when nothing was really wrong.

  106. Erica says:

    Even though all your stories are so sad, I have to say that I feel so comforted after reading the comments. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years (he’s 28 and I’m 29) and around four months ago, I came home and he asked me to move out. He explained that he needed time to work on things within himself and swore to me that none of this has to do with us. After becoming very upset, we talked things through and he begged me to stay while crying his eyes out, but the next fews days were just different. The man I love was now acting very strange… I moved my things out a few days later and I made him promise me to go talk to someone because I was very worried and he agreed. Throughout the four months, we have met up around 4 time,s all on his account. I tried to give him the space that he wanted and tried my best to not contact him even though it killed me. The first meetings were great and then the last two, he would invite me over to just watch a movie and lay on the couch which hurt me the most. I had no idea what his intentions were and I don’t think either one of us knew how to handle it. We ended up hearing rumors about one another and then things became bad… he started to do things to hurt me intentionally and I finally found out that he was cheating on me. Lie after lie, I finally got the proof I needed and I found his car at a 19 year old girl’s apartment and my boyfriend had removed all the stickers off of his car so it was not recognizable.. in theory, he knows very well that what he was doing was wrong. After confronting him, he promised me that she meant nothing and was only just fun and that there were no emotions involved… if I believe him or not is beside the point, but I was so hurt. He finally told me that he had been diagnoised with PTSD from being in the Army, Clinical Depression, and maybe Bipolar Disorder and that he is now taking Wellbutrin for his depression. He then began to tell me that he loved me and wants to marry me but we right now is just not the time. I’m so confused and hurt and all I want is to make things right but I am so tired of fighting when he’s either not willing or able to.. I have starting seeing a therapist as well and have mentioned the thought of maybe bringing my boyfriend along which he isn’t opposed to but I continue to see his car outside of this new girl’s apartment; he’s there virtually every day and night. I know that this may be a continuous issue for the rest of our relationship but I’m willing to help and work through this. Now I find myself at the fork in the road and I can’t stand the thought of losing him.

  107. Fred says:

    I became pretty deeply depressed last summer when I finally discovered the root cause of many of my issues: enmeshment. My partner promised to stick with me while I fought through things, but then a few weeks ago she said that she couldn’t do it anymore. She’s now moved out and swears she’ll never be back.

    She got exhausted by my depression dragging her down. She got tired of our relationship revolving around managing my depression. I go to therapy and take medications, but I wasn’t fighting the illness the way she wanted me to. For a long time I thought she simply didn’t understand; now I’m left to wonder if it was really that she didn’t care.

    I thought the relationship was going to last for the rest of my life. Now I’m facing the prospect of completely recreating who I think I am.

  108. Anon says:

    This is such an awful cycle… I have ADHD and struggle with my own depression from the trauma of an alcoholic family. It’s hard because all I want to do is punish myself for being stupid enough to fall in love with a depressed man. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years – I feel every sting of the seperate lives. We lived together for a year and I nearly drowned with him. He can never let us be happy or have fun unless it was when he was in the mood. It killed and hurt my soul to see him “happy” to see other people but I always get the short end of the stick. I don’t get gifts, dates that I enjoy, or even my emotional needs met. I feel like I get to witness the pod person watching the same 5 channels, occasionally get these incredibly deep lucid bursts of love making, fun , his great jokes …teasers of an amazing relationship.

    I feel sick because I am so aware of my codependency that I make myself crazy . I want to punish myself everytime I make a concessions to this stupid disease with my wonderful ability to see “both sides of the story”. Because I am a mental health paraprofessional I feel like I should know better. It’s like a whiplash – I’ve gone through YEARS of therapy to get to the point where I could voice my concerns, needs, and wants, and the first relationship I get into after 7 years of staying single is with someone that those coping mechanisms don’t even work on. Then you try to practice this god-like love, where you accept that you chose to unconditionally love this person and see the blessing for what it was when you had it. It drives you nuts because you keep trying when you need to just stop. I moved back with my family this month after 10 months of feeling dragged into the darkness. At best I feel like I am consciously uncoupling from the minefield of sorting what is mine and what is his. I love him so much and if he could be there for me like I need, I would have married him if he asked me. I’m 29, he’s 30 – and I look at him and only see a dying old man. I’ve said ugly things like …Just die then if you hate life so much. It twists and manipulates the way I even express love. The act of cooking or even going out of my way to his house because he can’t muster the energy to come see me wrenches an apocalyptic battle of “this is the only way you will see him” vs the classic Push-Pull dynamic power struggle of “I think you are manipulating me – F you!!!!” I have no hope for anybody dealing with this level of depression. I suggested therapy and everything, doesn’t wanna go … In my head, I’m slowly letting the relationship choke out and die because I’ve stopped caring because it hurts. I feel like I’ll never trust anybody who is remotely emotionally unwell. Which is sad because I was once that messed up and I got better. I think that everyone deserves love / but it’s not worth it to not be paranoid about running when it rears it’s head.

  109. deb says:

    Reading all the sad and hellish stories on this blog had been so enlightening. My husband of 20 + years became severely depressed after open heart surgery 2 years ago. He has tried suicide and has basically withdrawn from and alienated friends and family. We have tried a myriad of medications to treat the bipolar 2 and depression and severe anxiety to really no avail. He will not participate in therapy, he just sits. His bipolar cycles into anger, not mania (I repeatedly see people writing about how we had two wonderful happy weeks) One thing I have notice reading this blog is that most the undepressed partners exhibit co-dependent behaviors and the depressed people act like narcissists expecting a pass for bad behavior and forgiveness by playing the “depression” card. That (from what I have been reading here) seems to make it worse. Them being depressed does not give them permission to abuse you. Don’t accept it. Will I stay married to this empty, creepy shell of the vibrant man i married 23 years ago? Most likely not since he won’t participate in getting help. It has been so comforting, for lack of a better word, to read others stories and feel the support on this blog. I have to admit the stories have hit close to home and made me cry but also shown me i am NOT alone and that despite what my husband says, me taking care of my mental health through therapy myself isn’t making me want to leave him, it’s showing me that there are few options open when only one partner wants to do the work.

    • Roger says:

      Thanks Deb. Very observant. I am on the other side. She left our marriage a year ago – I wanted that too. Her kids moved out and she followed them back to the same town where ex #1 lives. I think the kids were beating her up – via their rejection of her i.e. going back to dad’s home – a lot of dynamics here – but I could never be the dad and frankly I just couldn’t share myself that way – cause they verbally / behaviour / hitting / swearing abuse – the usual teen issues – except as a step-parent my hands were tied – and she could not give me support (she is sick) – lest she lose her kids (happened anyway). The kids were like a witch’s pair of “familiars”. They participated in the depression. So anyway – I was the “co-dependent” and she was the “dependant/depressed”. She had been on anti-depressants for at least the 10 years I knew her (we don’t communicate anymore – my decision). I am relieved but I miss her terribly (and yup – I still love her – very very hard decision for me – I would even try again – but only if she called – I figure she has to decide that she actually wants me. FYI – I expect never – I’m starting to date now) – in good and lucid depression free times we rocked! But when I stopped co-depending, everything died. I stopped as part of how I dealt with the kids’ behaviours – I let her deal with them AND I decided to start taking care of my self first (the kids made it hard for me to love her). So I tried to encourage her re: work (but she was defensive – a trigger to old relationships) – I made sure to include her in everything short of her sickness being the focus – which was hard, but there was resentment because I would not participate in the cycle. I ended up being the only one in counseling. But to her credit – it was hard for her – Christian counseling – extreme views – and she NEVER wanted to be vulnerable to me as “trusting” that I would give myself for her. I can understand that. Still – not a good way to be married – without trust for me – and me – just unable to understand depression and change myself/accept/adapt with/to it. But the secular counsellors simply arrived at a place where all they could says was “You two are not on the same page – and that’s why you have problems” – crippy – dah! Of course I miss her & pray everyday truly! But honestly – the cats don’t pee/vomit/spray everywhere while she sleeps – not anymore, the dog doesn’t poo on the deck – and I don’t have to be the only one to clean it – while she sleeps – I’m no longer keeping my friends away from my house anymore – cause she didn’t like them (or feared them?) and the kids abused my friends – I can go on holiday and she doesn’t make up excuses why she can’t go with me – not anymore – MY LIFE never became OUR LIFE – we never joined – I learned that I was dominated by a depressed person that could never join in. It always felt to me that 1) she could not make herself happy – I asked & tried to do things she wanted until the counselor explained to me that she is a full adult and will ask when she is ready – if she wants, and 2) she could not be happy for me – in almost any situations where I was happy — all so queer! So then – the best part – no more passive aggressive attacks on me – they were so wicked. But crazy? I miss her? Yes. When we were passionate lovers – as a male -I traded it all! I believed it to be so sincere – and I think it was – but she was never wholly involved I think in hindsight – instead I came to realize that she mostly became involved in her own self – anxiety etc. What I really miss is: everything I hoped it would be – not what it really was. I’m still struggling – a co-dependent always does – looking for the next person to fix – BUT NOT NOW. I concentrate on work. A lot of women look at me and give hints – and I love women – but finally I can say no when it’s not right. I’m trying hard not to repeat my mistakes. It’s like I can only see “bleeding dependency” and then I’m there to rescue. Anyway – I just wanted to comment to you – with all respect – watch out for your own co-dependencies – they can be insideous – and you might attract another “depressed”. Just sayin …

      • Deb says:

        Hey Rodger! I understand co-dependency. My late husband was an alcoholic/cocaine addict which ultimately killed him and I did the hard work on co-dependency a long tome ago. That changed my behavior for the duration of my marriage to him. This husband suddenly became bipolar and severely depressed with a COMPLETE personality change after open heart surgery 2 years ago (pump head syndrome). He was not depressed and I did not attract a depressed person. The person (for lack of better wording) now residing in my husband’s body is the polar opposite of whom I married. Because I am not co-dependent, I am making an exit strategy since this person will not get any help.

      • Michelle0808 says:

        Oh my gosh, Roger, your story broke my heart but made me feel so happy for you all at the same time. This is close to the cycle I’m going through with my husband right now. He won’t get help, and he’s damaging our kids too. Our daughter, sadly, is becoming a mirror image of him mentally and physically as well. We’ve never had stability and I am SO ready for it. Tired of walking on & the kids. I, as a co-dependent, need to gather the strength to ask him to leave us alone. He’s never worked, never cleaned the house, never had “our life” just like you described — it was “his” and “mine” although his was always on my dime, too. I wish he’d just wake up and enjoy the beautiful family he’s got, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.

      • sha says:

        This is so familiar. Baby’s Dad made so many promises and we had an amazing passionate relationship but gradually he changed into a shell of the man I knew. Holidays became a big issue, he was paranoid & became obsessive over his other kids pushing our son out in the process. I left the family home a few months ago as things got so volatile but we remained a couple. Then he suddenly ended it before Christmas and is making life as difficult as possible for me now and making decisions about our son that are in my opinion just cruel. he didn’t even see him Christmas day. I believed him to be depressed when we met but now think maybe bipolar or a personality disorder could even be an issue. His family and friend used to admit he had a problem but now he’s convinced them all it’s me that was the problem. Feel lost and heartbroken and my child is sad. Everyone says walk away but how can I if he’s ill it isn’t his fault. His behaviour is so extreme now that I just can’t believe he’s in sound mind

  110. Erica says:

    I’m so happy to have found this page, it gives my some comfort to read your stories. I have been with my bf for almost 4 yrs, he was definitely the one and we were planning on getting married and having a baby in the next year. Recently we found out that he is infertile and everything has changed. The last few months have been very stressful and I admit I struggled with the news, though I never once considered leaving him as I love him with all my heart. Needless to say things have been very tense lately and I have noticed over the last few months he h’s become very moody. He recently broke down telling me that he wants to be on his own and that he can’t give me what I want. He can’t deal with the pain anymore and doesn’t want to be with me. I was totally devastated but he said it was for the best. After a few days apart I asked him to take sometime out to think about his decision and be sure its what he wants. Eventually he said he would but couldn’t promise anything. He has become so cold, pushing me away, not calling when he is working away and he has stopped telling me he loves me. I’m so confused and heartbroken and I don’t know what to do. I’m devastated:-(

    • bluebird says:

      Hi Erica, I am going through an identical crisi right now….everything was great, fun and amazing then out of the blue in one day BAM “I just want to be alone and I dont want a relationship” and whats worse, I am totally cut off cold, he doesnt want to talk to me and wont even let me see him or check in on anything. when I call, he says I am bothering him and he cant take it. Then, he also started picking a fight and getting dilusional saying that I lie (TOTALLY NOT TRUE) and that I have this side he does not like and that he does not feel anything any more. no feeling. He spiraled into apathy.

      Im shocked and dying inside. I feel determoned to get him back and wait it out.
      What are you going through now since your situation is about 2 months ahead of mine?
      Talking to you gives me comfort and I hope I will have the strength to move on but right now Im so devestated. I really love him so it is hard to just say – “oh well, I should move on”

      • erica says:

        Hi Bluebird, I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. Its really really awful. My situation has changed somewhat since my last post. Things got pretty bad and its fair to say that I wasn’t coping very well. Not eating, sleeping, working etc and I started feeling very down myself (all the while keeping this from my bf because I didn’t want him to feel worse). I felt very lonely and my world was crashing down around me. Bf became even more distant, not calling etc and very shut off. My family could see how it was effecting me and finally said I needed to let him go if that’s what he wanted. Then one evening he broke down crying and howling and told me he had depression and was in so much pain and couldn’t think straight. I vowed to be there to support him and told him that he needed to continue to get help, which he did. We agreed that we both needed to get away so I went overseas for 6 weeks and he went interstate to visit family. To say its the best thing we could have done s an understatement. Whilst we were apart I could see a change in him, calling me, telling me he loved me again. Since I been back I can see my old bf slowly coming back again, he’s much happier and seems to have got his spark back. Don’t get me wrong I know things won’t get better overnight but I’m taking one day at a time and so far so good. All I can say to you is hang in there, just let him know you are there to support him. But please also look after yourself or you will hit rock bottom too, I nearly did. Make sure you have someone to walk too, I’m not big on talking but my counsellor really helped me through this. I truly believe if you love each other together you can fight depression, its not easy. Just try to take it one day at a time. Take care

  111. John says:

    Boy, does this hit home for me. I have wrestled with this question. I have sabotaged three loving relationships in my life. Each time it was because I was absolutely convinced that I just wasn’t into the person, that I HAD to get away from them and be by myself with a book in my empty house. It became so strong that I would be actually repulsed by a woman who just days before I was crazy about. I would dread to meet with them. But then after breaking it off, a short time later, I see things completely opposite. I would panic at the thought of being by myself, realize I made a huge mistake, and try to get back with the person, with no success. It has been so incredibly painful, confusing and, frustrating! After the second break up I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do it again, that I would realize that my feelings of wanting to pull away and isolate myself were not real, that I needed to communicate to my partner about the depression, and that I needed to stay. But then when I got into my last relationship I forgot all of these promises to myself. I think it was because I was in a state of denial—in the new relationship I was feeling good, I thought I had put the depression behind me, and the thought of applying the lessons learned from the last relationship never even entered my mind. After 20 years of depression I think I have only finally realized that it never goes away, it may be dormant, but it comes back. I read somewhere that depression is like a jealous lover, it wants all of you. And I can really relate to that. I feel that it is something insidious that is pulling me away from love and fulfillment, resulting in me being confined to my bed, terrified, alone in my room. Another thing that confuses me is I don’t know if it is the depression that is creating this compulsion of isolation, or commitment phobia/love avoidance, which is a very real phobia resulting from childhood trauma. Usually the trauma results from the child assuming the adult role in a family, which I did when I was 13 when my mom was hospitalized for depression and my family fell apart.
    I think that one must assume some responsibility for hurting your lover in that you really need to be aware, aware that what you are feeling is depression’s illusion. As was mentioned in previous blog on this site, you need to realize that you can’t run away from people who love you, you need to stick it out, that running away only leads to isolation and pain. This sounds so easy, but it is incredibly difficult when you are absolutely convinced that your compulsion to isolate from a loving partner is what you really want. I asked my therapist about this: why is the unconscious fear of staying in an intimate relationship so much stronger than the very real fear and pain that I always experience after I break it off? Why would I not give the relationship a chance knowing that the likelihood of a real long term commitment is so great, while the likelihood of me ending up in a black hole after breaking it off is a 100% certainty? She suggested it was because when I break it off it gives me the illusion of control. Someone once said there are no answers to many of these questions those of us with depression have and I suspect that may be true.

    • Nataly says:

      WOW!!!! This post just hit home for me in so many ways!!! I have done the same in relationship after relationship, feeling satisfaction (the illusion of control) immediately after ending the relationship only to then panic and want the person back (and the reality is I don’t know if that was an illusion too). Currently I’m in a relationship, one that I was so happy about, and decided to move in together. He’s a wonderful man, has all the traits I want in a life partner… And all of a sudden lately all I can think of is obsessing about things he may be doing behind my back, comparing myself to attractive female friends he has, picking fights, feeling completely disconnected, no desire to be intimate, and feeling like maybe I don’t love him. I’m so incredibly confused. Part of me is convinced I should end the relationship, and that the feelings I have are because I shouldn’t be with him. I tried going to therapy but I didn’t feel that was helping, and I also don’t want to take medication. It’s so hard to tell the difference between real thoughts/feelings and the depression, especially when it comes to relationships. Anyone with feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.

  112. David says:

    Hello, My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of june due to her depression and anxiety! I’m sure she still loves me. But I don’t know what to do? I want to help her and be her rock. At the beginning I decided I would give her space but I thought to myself that if I love her I would be there for her so I tried to get some better answers regarding her situation, and it seems she can’t love me until she loves her self! Which I want to understand what does that mean? I love her so much!!!! And I would do anything to make her happy. Any suggestions would help greatly!

  113. Anon girl says:

    I have stumbled across this site while desperately searching for answers myself regarding my bf who suffers with depression. He was in the military for years but left a considerable time before I met him. When we met the first few months were fantastic he was kind, loyal and attentive. We suffered a problem a few months in and this is when everything changed.
    He was desperately unhappy in the job he was doing at the time, it made him irritable and angry and aggressive with life. Nothing made him happy and the smallest thing would set him off into a rage. He said some extremely hurtful things to me, and when I tried to pull him up on them he would tell me to stop being so touchy. I knew that he was suffering with a form of depression as I have a close family member who suffered, he would have horrible dreams and would cry out in his sleep but wouldn’t talk about it to me. He would only open up when he had a drink. Eventually I managed to pursuade him to see the doc, he was prescribed anti depressants and things seemed to turn around and he was slowly becoming the man I fell in love with. But it didn’t last he had just set up his own business and it was consuming his every thought and the old demons came back along with the aggressiveness.
    I couldn’t take any more because it was making me so stressed and I felt I couldn’t do anything right for him. I tried everything and made it my goal to make him happy (however I wasn’t at the forefront of his mind, he admitted he forgets to put me first). After a lot of thought I decided it would be best if I moved out to give us both some space as we were bickering all the time. We agreed to take things back to basic and date as we rushed the start of our relationship and he agreed to get more help. However none of that has happened, he tells me daily he loves and misses me yet cannot commit to anything. I know the depression is playing a big part but I really don’t know what to do. Do I hang around and help him or do I cut all ties and try and move on as hard as it is because I love him so very much. All of this situation has taken it out of me to the degree I have been hospitalised over it.
    After reading everyone’s comments it is nice to know I’m not the only one in this situation but I feel like I am staring into a black hole and I don’t know how to get out of it!
    Sorry for a lengthy first post!

    • Mario says:

      Hi Anon girl,

      I am sorry to hear about your situation. It amazes how depressed people react in relationships. In my case my fiancee left me following the loss of our angelito and she has not talked to me for over 3 months. I do not know whether she will return back to us.

      In your case if you get abused in any way by your man is best to walk away for a little bit. Maybe space is all needed for things to improve. Sometimes trying so hard is probably making things worse leading to more arguments and more issues in the relationship. Thats what happened in my case- I was trying so hard being there for her support her yet she was getting worse.

      So my suggestion is stay away from each other and stop trying to help him. Perhaps do no contact and see how he responds?

    • lorraine says:

      Hi Anon i have a similia problem my relationship of 3 years changed i went on hol with kids my boyfrd was looking forward to seeing me first day go bk but i was busy and tired i went pk my dog up she seemed poorly rang my boyfrd as he adored her we went vets unfortunatly my dog died that was when my boyfrd changed his job came to an end same time he said needed space didn’t know if still wanted be in a relationship with me we went away to scarsborough had a lovely weekend came bk he said still don’t know and went home he stopped texting phoneing i text him no reply i rang him he sounded awful and confused he said elt depressed and would go out on his bkike that would help him he asked if we could meet on tues scatter my dogs ashes im hopeing to speak to him as still love himbut he not sure how he feels now he suffered depressin years ago which was break down last relationship to any ideas ? feel i am looseing the battle with his depression here

  114. Olivia says:

    My First Love I chose suffers from some sort of depression. He been taking antidepressants for 15 years and he’s one year older than me . I am 31 and he’s 32. We started dating 2 years ago. For me he is really my first because I started dating at a late age. For him well he had other relationships before but for him I’ve been his longest and respected him for who he is.

    Besides depression he also suffers from Tret syndrome and I guess some anxiety maybe from depression… I do not know completely and he Has Glacoma and Anger Issues.. . Hmmm some package deal.

    Maybe I am foolish to have fallen in love with a man like this many problems . I even know about his problems as we started dating but I did not let that bother me. We both may have taken alot of stuff too fast even 6 months later he proposed to me. Ok we both are from different cultures.. I was from a Filipino family and he’s from an Italian family.

    We had our good memories which I still cherish thru pictures I have and we had our major bad memories which I guess both our personal problems rised up a bit too much. So basically a Rollercoaster relationship.

    Does anyone really know true feelings of love and can it really appear and then disappear ?

    Recently we had our major blowout that he even tried cheating on me by hooking up with a new girl but he realized how much he was loosing the new girl wasn’t even catching his interest. I was really angry at him I even insulted his family. I never ment for that to go that far. We have talked to try one last time but can a person with so many issues really know what they want in life ? I just wonder that..

    I also found I suffer with this Iron Deficiency Anemia .. which I goggled.. there can be times I can have anxiety or depression…..

    So I’m read this article and I can relate.. and really question about this whole depression ??? and I’m also sad that my older brother suffers from depression too..

    how can someone really help if they have this problems ??? I just wish to understand it better

    • Olivia says:

      Ooops my grammar sucks…

      when I said this

      “Recently we had our major blowout that he even tried cheating on me by hooking up with a new girl but he realized how much he was loosing the new girl wasn’t even catching his interest. I was really angry at him I even insulted his family”

      I ment .. he got so angry and he claimed his loving feelings for me faded and when he was with me … he was trying to hook up with this new chick. Ok he talked and stuff and then he found.. that she was ugly and wasn’t what he wanted. He realized how much he hurt me by doing that , and he claims he understands how I feel.

      From his reason of me being overly sensitive and different from a different culture and for me being in my 1st relationship.. I found so offending… and I was very hurt and in tears…

      But even with all the problems, pain , and the good memories.. within the 2 years… I really question how can someone be helped?

      I think I really care so much beyond love… and I want to help out of the goodness if that makes sense.. but then it makes me sad.. that I’m giving my self such a challenge..

  115. amanda says:

    Please someone answer me :'( I have been depressed for 8 long months! I was just put on medication called citalopram..i started it on tuseday and its making me feel like I really dont love my boyfriend anymore! X”””'( I can’t take it! It keeps me awake too…. I wanna save the relationship badly but the feelings are too strong! X”””( I don’t want him to be my ex … I really don’t wanna date other people! I just want to be in love with him!!!

    • Fred says:


      The single most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. One of the things that goes into that is not making any major decisions while you’re depressed. I didn’t know I was sick and I made horrendous decisions that haunt me to this day. You have the advantage of being aware.

      If you’re anything like me, you might feel an immense pressure in your chest that feels like it won’t go away until you act on your thoughts. Please resist and give the medication time to kick in. When you’re feeling calmer, then you can assess your relationship and decide on what you’d like to do. Sometimes the things you say and do while depressed can’t be undone.


      • Amanda says:

        Right now I feel like care about anything anymore…. I feel I gave in… I am scared that whennthe medication does work I won’t be in love with him anymore… I obsessed that it’s bc real… right now I can’t stop crying bc I am begging and asking god what I did wrong and why was I cursed with an mental illness……

      • Amanda says:

        The thing is ever since I took the medication 2 days ago.. I feel like I am not depressed anymore…. I read so many things… I did alot of damage… I know that I need to get better but I know the depression caused me to feel this way…. but I know that I can’t be like this forever either…I have alot pressure… I went to the doctors shaking bc I had anxiety there too… my bf says not to let the depression turn how u feel.. I feel like I did that.. I failed him my relationship the best one I have ever had and…. now…. it turns into this….

        • Mario says:


          ‘ I failed him my relationship the best one i have ever had’ these are pretty much the exact words of my fiancee when she broke up with me
          Amanda this is not your fault dont blame yourself. You have NOT failed him or your relationship. This has happened for some reason.. Something must have triggered it.

          Take your time to get better!! This is YOUR time. Medications do help but should not be consumed for forever.. This is not the way forward.. Just take them as much as you doctor thinks you need them for and at the same time get referred for some cognitive behavioural therapy.

          I am on antidepressants as we speak but slowly my dosage has been decreased over the past months. I have found cognitive behavioural therapy to work quite well.
          Be strong you can do this!!!

    • Mario says:


      I would also agree with Fred. The most important thing is you. If you think that you might need some time off from your boyfriend then speak to him and tell him how you feel. Sometimes time away from each other might be the right thing to do since you may feel restricted of expressing your real feelings to your boyfriend.

      From my experience when my fiancee started having depression I was there for her all the time however it seemed this was making things worse for her and she ended up breaking up with me. I know the girl that broke up was not her but her depressed state which was making her make bad decisions. Talk to your boyfriend tell him how you are feel and if it is distance or no contact you need for a bit to get better if he really loves you then I am sure he will understand.

      Remember you need to get better.. Think of yourself.. And remember once you feel better you can always get things back on track with your fella (this time properly). As Fred has said dont make decisions which you might regret later on.


      • Amanda says:

        I feel like my depression is over… :'( I really don’t want us to break up… I just want to be with him and know I am in love with him…. X”'( I am jealous of everyone that they can be happy with their babies but no not me… I just want my relationship back to normal…

  116. M says:

    It has been two months since my last post. Since then I had psychotherapy and given antidepressants. Psychotherapy has worked a little bit and has made me realise that keeping your mind busy and preoccupied with other things alleviates some of pain and loss of my partner and our little baby angel.
    I have yet to hear from her and it has to be said that I am missing her as much as the time that has happened and possibly even more. My only form communication is sending her letters to Spain once a month just to reassure her that I am still here for her if she needs me and that I will be here for as long as it takes.
    I seem to have an issue with my family understanding the complexity of the situation with themselves saying that there is ‘plenty of fish’ out there.. They have yet to realise my feelings for this girl and how I am feeling as an individual right now. I have kept myself busy with plenty of work but I have realised that I am struggling to do things that I used to like since all those things remind me of her and when I try to do any of those things it has really bad effects on my depression.
    I feel alone , I miss her, our baby angel. As the psychiatrist has said I need to be patient and just be there for her.. This can take months and years- but I will be there for her!!
    Jo I think I have come to terms to accept her and take her back if she would have moved on and try having another relationship. Perhaps she has done that as her escape plan from our past, or feeling the pressure from the family. However in my opinion if there is a true love and true feelings , all these things are just challenges in a lifelong relationship and would only make you stronger and wiser when you get back together. That is how I see it. Still makes me wonder Why This Had to happen To me?

  117. Sandie says:

    For anyone reading this post, here are some updated thoughts. I don’t know any of your particular situations, but I have read John’s book ‘Surviving Depression Together’, as well as a myriad of articles and books on Depression and Anxiety – both of which my spouse suffers from.
    It was 5 years ago when The Nasty, as I refer to the bad episodes, reared it’s ugly head. (I think it was always there, but a few catastrophic life events triggered the downward spiral.) Those were tough times, times I thought, I – and ‘we’ – might not get through. But, I persevered. We have been married over 30 years, with children and now grandchildren.
    We both went for counseling, separately. We went together a few times and it was disastrous. I am grateful for the counseling and feel it genuinely helped each of us. We have stopped at different times, but know that our counselor is there if we need to see her again.
    Although my spouse says sometimes in conversation that he ‘is cured’, I know this is not so. I also know that I love and care for him. He is the father of my children, and what is the lesson I am teaching them by staying true to our marriage vows? I took that commitment seriously and still do.
    Make no mistake – this IS hard work! There were many times I wasn’t sure we would get through the rough days, especially when my spouse would say, ‘I think we need to discuss how to end this.’ I have learned he really doesn’t want to leave, his mind just doesn’t know how to help itself. “Fight or flight” – I am sure you have all heard that one.
    Anyway, all of our situations are different. I just wanted to let others know that one of the choices we have is staying, working hard at it NO MATTER WHAT. Whatever choice you, or your significant other, make is hopefully the right one for you both.
    Your lives together will never be the same. Most likely YOU are the one who will do the most adjusting. There will be no trophies, no pats on the back…sometimes no understanding from the outsiders who do not see what you see, do not experience the anguish and pain caused by this. But, if you are willing, you can have a good life. You can make it a good life, for both of you.
    After 5 years he is calmer. It is still there and I know at times he fights his feelings. We have both learned coping techniques, and I have learned how to adjust to the anger, the comments…the man who is different. We both keep trying, and that is the commitment it takes if you want to stay together.
    Thanks for listening. I know many of you listened in the dark times, and you need to know there IS LIGHT!

  118. Kristien says:

    I have been with a wonderful and kind man for 5 years. We became engaged last summer. 4 months ago a – in my perception – small fight triggered him to call of our wedding, blaming me for fights, discussions and fears about the future. There was hardly a way to reconnect with him and assure him that I did not fear our future and that discussions are normal to a relationship. I listened to him since he had done this before yet always came back shortly afterwards to explain that he never wanted to end the relationship. Yet this time, the blaming became so hard that I could do nothing else but leave.

    Despite the tremendous pain, I did not start blaming him since I had this feeling that there might be something ‘off’. Not to put him on a piedestal, my ex is a nice man. He tends to more egoistic than me but he is also softer. He is sensitive. Over the past years I saw him evolving into the hardworking man he is today. Combining day and night jobs (working for the radio and dj’ing) he was often sick and tense. Holidays of one week did not energize him anymore, although he is still young (31). Things reached there peak last fall when he had an anxiety attack in the city, after weeks of thinking he must have some kind of disease for feeling so tierd, without energy. An anxiety that went deep (to illustrate: talking about diseases of other people became very uncomfortable for him). Numerous visits to his doctor pointed out that he needed more rest and that everything was fine. He kept working really hard but the smallest discussion appeared to be sucking away all his energy. It became a heavy load for him to carry. Though our discussions were never that big (yet again, my perspective) or different from those in other couples.

    Although his father went to a similar process years ago, thinking about burn out yet resulting in a hospitalization for several months for treating a depression, my ex was avoiding the subject and went on a totally new discourse of ‘everything is easy, one cannot be sad only experience discomfort’. He went to a coach to treat him for a burn out but stopped the sessions on his own terms. Everybody who expressed his fears, insecurities was avoided or labelled negative. I know this may sound silly for me to write this, maybe it’s just a phase in his life and maybe the reasons why we split up have nothing to do with a depresssion but I cannot help but thinking something is going “wrong”.

    Two weeks ago he was hospitalized with a throat problem. After his hospitalization he called me to explain that he made a big mistake and wants me back, never wanted to split up in the first place. That he blamed me for anxieties when he is the one feeling anxious about a lot of things. That he went through a crisis yet also has a lot of troubles facing any kind of conflict in his life. He told me about a lot of fears he has but was unable to express them but always became very anxious when I was putting my fears on the table during our relationship. I’m always very open about my emotions but it is only today that I come to understand that by trusting him by telling him my fears, this became an unbearable situation for him.
    He is looking for a psychologist now to sort things out but I still have the feeling that, just as the other times, he doesn’t really understand the impact of yet another break up. Although I do believe his explanation, I wonder whether he himself understands that this is something serious.
    I don’t know whether he has a depression and I don’t know whether I can trust this process and start from there with him again….

  119. AJN says:

    I met a fantastic woman, we were together for 8 months. We had the greatest time – her friends say she had never been so happy and likewise my friends and family said the same about me. We got engaged, sold houses began the process of buying another together. One day she simply said I dont want this. We stopped the house move – all a bit quick… so thats fine. But within days she called us off completely – no reason. She said everything was perfect, but she had lost her feelings for me and didnt know why. The trigger that horrible afternoon was simply to ask what our plans were for the evening to which she replied ‘that comment makes me anxious and under pressure’. We had seen each other every day, never a case of not wanting to on either side. This came from absolutely nowhere… She had suffered with depression in the past I understood and she had stopped taking her medication as she felt she did not need it being so happy.

    I am truly devastated. She was the woman of my dreams and after being hurt before this really is killing me. Friends and family are shocked. She has said she need to focus on her kids and her only, not sure she can ever be with someone or live with someone. This amazing person who loved me so so deeply has changed beyond recognition. I cannot understand what she is going through but as a loving caring person all I want to do is help. She wants me to move on and forget her, like I have an on off switch. When leaving for the last time she said, if I feel I have made a mistake when I’m feeling better can I ask if we can have another try… my god I hope she gets better soon so I can love and cherish this amazing woman… I cry because at the moment I can’t get anywhere near her.

    Anxiety and depression is a monster, its taken my best friend and I cant even fight to get her back. All I can do is live my life and wait… XYZ, I love you. Get well soon.

    • LaTasha says:

      I am going through something similar to this

      • AJN says:

        LaTasha and update for you and for others…

        I kept in contact for a while but she was cold and made it clear that her present state of mind was to focus on just her and her children. Arrangements to meet one day were quickly withdrawn as she said she felt anxious and sick about it. I have to say that my reaction was not appropriate as my frustration got the better of me, this was out of character for me but was in total despair that the woman I loved so deeply had done this to me, her children and my children. We had travelled an amazingly happy journey with such and incredible future that I found it all to hard to take. Following a few home truths lets say, I spent that weekend in total fear of a future without her.

        I did more research on her anxiety and found another site that explained everything. There was so many example of anxiety that replicated my (our) sitiuation it was untrue. Atleast I now had an answer…

        I hope the moderator will understand if I post this link as it has helped me so much and hope it helps others too…

        To finish my story, I sent this link to her with the simple words – I now understand.

        I also sent to a couple of her friends too so they knew what was occurring. And wished them well.

        No contact began… But then to my horror I was alerted to the fact that she was on a dating site and looking for anything but what we had… Not asking for immediate company but wanted to build from friendship upwards over time. I was distraught and contacted her anyway possible and received a text warding me off. Suffer, I have never ever suffered or felt so low – ever.

        I told her what I thought of her, deleted all contact information and began to get angry. That soon subsided and I wrote her a letter applying a logical mind. Its clear that she cant see what was good, she cant control her logical and illogical mind and does not want a relatuonship but a is looking for company. This hurts so bad but I put my feelings nicely on paper, kissed the envelope and sent the letter. One day I hope she looks back and sees the strength, the rock and the love that she once had in a human being that would take on all of her problems and help.

        For me, its a horrible road to recovery, I want her so much but this horrible monster has robbed us both of such an amazing relationship that I feel sick just writting about it. I had a fairytale romance that has not ended well… well not yet any way….

        I hope that you fair better LaTashsa, its horrible and would hope and pray for a different outcome for anyone in my situation.

        • KD says:

          Sorry to hear that AJN. I have been through a similar experience to you. It seems as though signing up to dating sites and looking for another source of happiness that way is quite a common occurrence.

          My ex said he couldn’t be in a relationship, but wanted to stay friends. Once I found out he was ‘looking for a relationship’ online, I could no longer remain friends with him.

          Take care and best wishes to everyone here.

        • ken says:

          i am going through exactly the same thing my lovely girlfriend is also on the dating sites due to depression, she has totally pushed me away, its nearly 10 months now and i have suffered myself from severe anxiety and depression, and i dont know if i will ever see her again, as she wont go for treatment.

          • AJN says:

            A couple if weeks ago I got an email from her suggesting I was a catch and that she made some bad moves. We met a few times and fir me there was still a spark, stuff to build and work on. We walked, talked, laughed. I came away on holiday and just had an incling that all was not right. She had restarted her dating account. She said she could only see me as a friend and she had no feelings romantically for me and doesn’t see her feelings returning. Again I blown away. Several weeks of no contact, hope and belief crushed. I’m now 6 days in to having no contact but boy it’s hurting just as much as the first time. I love this woman. I can’t be her friend, especially if she is with someone else. I don’t know if she will change again but I know I can’t keep being hurt. But XYZ I will always love you deeply xxx

          • Tara says:

            My boyfriend had depression and he broke up with me two weeks ago and told me he couldn’t cope anymore. We had a long distance relationship for a year and were extremely happy with the relationship. We are only eighteen but I knew I couldn’t be without him. One day we had a small disagreement and all of a sudden he was sending me texts saying he didn’t want us to be together and he would want to be alone for a while but we can still talk. So anyway we talked but all that we could talk about was the breakup so I told him that I would leave him alone for a couple of days. His friends told me he was happy but his mum told me different. She told me that they received bad news about his uncle. I didn’t want to contact him about this in case it upset him but I he told me previously he was going to the doctor which his appointment was booked for yesterday. I asked him how it went and he told me he didn’t go because something important came up. I wonder if he actually wants to get better or not. I asked what happened and he told me they had to go visit his uncle in the hospital who has two brain tumours. I felt so bad and told him I would pray for his uncle. His appreciated that and we continued to talk normally, but unfortuantly he is still very dry when he texts me. I feel he is pushing me away but I can’t help but feel that he still loves me. I know its not him acting like this

    • John says:

      Hi, AJN. I can completely relate to this. I am the person that your girlfriend is. Please understand that it is nothing personal against you. For some inexplicable reason, depression does create an on-off switch. It is exacly like that. For me, the switch turns off after a couple months into the relationshp and then back on after I break the relationship up. It is maddening. Because each time I am convinced that what I am thinking is the god given truth even though they are completely opposite! I have posted more on this above under “John.”

      • ken says:

        Hi john, i believe that my girlfriend is only browsing the dating site, i may be wrong and she is actually meeting men, i was on the site four weeks ago and she sent me an email on there: “i see youre still looking, thats good, all the best” this was after i rang her 10 days previously and she was acting very strange, i have since gone no contact with her, as far as i know she has had no treatment for her depression, and youre right depressed people have an on/off switch.

  120. Anonymous gal says:

    I am in a relationship with someone who manages it extremely well until something happens to trigger it. Just now he is struggling with a problem that would bring anyone down, and he is exhibiting all the signs. I am here for him, not expecting much, just trying to keep him company, trusting him to find his way. It occurred to me that he seems to lack resiliance. Is that valid? I had a nightmarish childhood, abuse, neglect, abandonment. I survived and grew strong, and developed a capacity for happiness, though the old memories still are a source of pain at times. I observe that my partner seems to lack the strength to look things in the eye and put them behind him. Such as, relationships ending. Being rejected by groups of people. I know these things are painful, but once it happens to youseveral times, don’t you learn that it’s just human nature? That it’s timing? That it happens, but there are plenty of people in the world and we can all find a community? That these things happen, but you still have someone right beside you who loves you? I just wonder if this is a valid observation. Hoping my partner grows to finding a capacity for joy again. Thanks for reading!

    • GTL says:

      I know this was a year ago, but your post really resonated with me in terms of how different people are able to overcome negative events in their lives. I do think resilience plays a huge role.

      My bf of 6 mos and I broke up last night in a five minute conversation due to his depression and him wanting to run away from the things because it will be easier. His depression began in his last relationship which he was not happy in. It worsened when he broke things off. I think he felt like a failure for leaving her at her worst (she was depressed) and for going so far as to ask her to marry her to save the relationship. The relationship also inflicted lasting damage on him because she made him feel like he never did anything right. He dealt with the demise of his relationship by drinking heavily and being a workaholic. As such, he never really dealt with the feelings surrounding his last relationship, and he brought a lot of baggage to our relationship. He is now unhappy with everything in his life: his job, living situation, etc. Until about a week ago, we *knew* we had a future together. Our connection is so natural and strong and the way we are together is really hard to find.

      Like you, I’ve been through so much in my life but seem to have come out as a stable and independent person who is able to give and accept love in a healthy way. Most of my childhood development was in an environment of emotional and physical abuse and inconsistent love and neglect. Though I’ve gone through depressive episodes, (largely instigated by hormonal birth control) I’ve come out able to believe in love and have hope for the future. Sure, I get scared and have my own triggers, but I always push through because I have this inherent drive towards good – to take paths that will help me grow and improve.

      My ex comes from a stable, warm and loving family with parents who have been together since young adulthood and who are still very much in love. He was bullied in early elementary school and still seems to not be over this traumatic event. It seems his instinct is to pull away, self-destruct and isolate when things get even a touch difficult, as he has no capacity to cope. I understand the feeling all too well of wanting to run away and isolate, but I know that these methods don’t help in the end.

      It’s difficult to see someone I love and understand going through depression, an illness that I too have been through. I think he is likely in a state of devaluing me and the relationship, convincing himself that we are not right for each other or that he’s even fallen out of love. He did not outright say these things, but there were hints in what he has communicated that he is feeling differently about us and that it scares him how his feelings seem to change in an instant. He is also tired of hurting me and not being there for me. He feels like a child. I know these feelings from my own experiences with depression. So now he’s pushing away the person that he even acknowledges understands him in a way he has never experienced before and who is willing to be there for him through it all… I have already vocalized this before, but now I am letting him go because he needs to realize these things himself. And if I’m still there when and if he does, maybe we can work it out. But not without him seeking help.

  121. M says:

    I am also an ex following the love of my life breaking up with me.. For the past month she would wake up crying as well as nightmares of worms.. Everything started when we lost our baby from chemical miscarriage. From then on she was getting worse and worse and anxiety attacks became very common. :,-(

    I have not been with her for that long in essence 3 months and 28 days but when we met we both knew we were soulmates.. We even planned getting married this August… I have been there for her all the time although she has been Spain and myself in the UK however from the 14th April she started becoming more and more distant towards me until she stopped saying to me that she loved me or missed me.. on the 22nd she sent me a text saying that she cant do it anymore is too much and that i deserve the best and she will not stop praying for me and my family..

    I have seen the psychologist today who said the same thing as the author about her… But also said to that I am also suffering with depression..since I am not with her anymore… I dont eat I dont sleep plus can get really bad since I have yet to grieve for the loss of our baby.. In terms of communicating with herOnly I can do is just email her every 2 weeks to let her know that I am still here and I will wait for her.. I am hoping she wont go astray as the author mentions above..It is not her nature to have one night stands or quick I am hoping she will stay like this.. Is my birthday today.. and I did not even got a wish from her.. 🙁 But I dont care just want her to be well and come back to me!!

  122. Fred says:

    I’m posting in order to subscribe to followup comments.

    I’m 12 years into my recovery process and treatment for depression. I envy people who have loved ones willing to wait for them; I was very young (22) when I had my meltdown, and my ex-fiancée did not wait for me. I had left her for someone else in a desperate attempt to stop my pain; by the time I was clear-minded enough to realize what I had done, my ex had started seeing someone else and hated me. I’m still struggling to figure out how I let that happen.


    • M says:

      Dear Fred,

      In a way she moved on because she felt betrayed by you.. I suspect your family did not have a good control of the situation since you were vulnerable doing such mistakes or perhaps it could be the lack of professional help which would have prevented it doing such a thing..

      I personally would wait even years for my baby girl to return but I would not take her back if she was to see someone else because we both think and believe and said to each other that if were to be our own for any reason we would be singles for the rest of our live and we would not give each other any 2nd chance once felt into mistakes like cheating which to us it even includes kissing someone else. I will stick by her.. Although not technically marry we have bought our wedding rings and I am wearing mine all the time as a way to keep me strong and wait for her.. Before all this happened with her depression she was also wearing hers all the time.. I do not know now 🙁
      Best advice I can give you Fred is if that wasnt that special in your heart then move on and find someone else however do it only when you feel ready.. i hope the psychotherapy is going well for you..



    • Jo says:


      I am sorry to hear about your experience. I have been with my partner for 5 years and this is the second major episode we have had (he is still in the depths of this current episode). He ended our relationship a short while ago, only to get with a new woman within weeks. His depression has been so bad that I have learnt to cope with it and we would always remain friends, although I don’t know if I can wait this time to rebuild our relationship when I know he is with another woman (head vs heart kind of thing). I was just curious to know your insight and how being with another woman was an attempt to stop your pain? I am completely respectful of his illness and I won’t hold any grudges against him because of it, it would just be nice to know it from the point of view from someone who has been there and done the same thing.


      • Fred says:


        Thank you for the kind words.

        I was very young – 22 at the time – and didn’t understand what was happening to me.

        Have you heard of limerence? Pursuing something with someone new made me feel something besides pain, that there was something about me worth wanting by someone who didn’t “have” to want me. I remember my fiancée told me that the other woman was using me, and I responded with “Why? Because that’s the only reason someone else would want me?”

        I also had a strong desire for my partner to need rescuing. That had a lot to do with my upbringing and the twisted notions I had about sexuality. After I had been physical with the other woman, I felt obligated to be in a relationship with her; I was so messed up at the time that my obligations to my fiancée seemed negligible. All I could feel was that my fiancée no longer “needed” me and the other woman did.

        You’re very strong to not hold this against him, though it could take a very long time for him to come around. I wish I had been so fortunate. Even if things hadn’t gone back the way they were, at least we could have felt better about where things ended.


        • firefly says:

          It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’ve been following everyone’s stories.

          I wanted to comment on Fred’s post. I can see the similarity in your thought process about seeing the other woman with my ex and his. It is confusing and hurtful to experience from the other side. Even tho I gave so much love to him, it wasn’t enough to soothe his own insecurities about himself. From there it spiraled into a sort of paranoia about my intentions and then about how others viewed him. Our relationship basically fell apart but when he decided to comfort himself by seeking someone new instead of dealing with his own demons is when I realized ……No matter how much love I gave it didn’t matter unless he learned to love himself. Not in a selfish way but rather learn to see that deep down he is a lovable man and worthy….realize nobody is perfect but in order to move consistently in life we need to be accountable for our actions and behaviors. We need to deal with our inner battles for ourselves first and not hide behind a safe haven relationship hoping we’ll get better.

          I believe my ex is a Good man. Everyone makes choices they May later regret. And I am actively trying to forgive him as I live my life for myself and renew my mind. I love him from afar now and we still have contact. I see him with different eyes now. I see that he is a broken man right now and is seeking to find his way thru life. I Hope one day he finds what he’s looking for.

          I Hope one day you will find what you seek as well.

  123. Tal says:

    I am depressed. However I think that some of my partners behaviour has caused my depression. Then he gets to blame everything on the depression. The not depressed person may be unhappy with the depressed person and actually be manipulative to the depressed person who is vulnerable. It’s just too simple to blame one person in a relationship for all the issues.
    It is now my responsibility to deal with my depression. However I must also look at how I am being treated by my partner.
    I suppose there are issues that both partners need to look at and not blame the depressed person for sometimes getting depressed because they are not treated respectfully and lovingly by the other partner. It’s not so easy to leave a relationship with children and start over. Theoretically one person can take the blame for the unhappiness- a bit too convenient !

  124. Mira says:

    First I’d like to say its amazing how strong and powerful all these men and women are for dealing with a depressed loved ones.

    My boyfriend of only 8 months broke up with me his reasoning was because he’s depressed. I know he was a bit down a few months ago due to the loss of his job and not being done with school yet. I stayed by his side until he broke up with me. I helped pay his bills as well as helped fill out job applications for him. I tried my best to take away some of the pressures so he won’t go into such a deep depression. Within the last month he really pulled away. Went from daily texts and calls to once a week. I been respecting his space.

    He would still send loving texts. But not like before. He called me for my birthday and wished me a happy birthday and he put his friend on the phone and his friend said that my boyfriend cries because he misses me. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I even said on the phone it’s not true and my boyfriend sounded sad because I didn’t believe it.

    We are in a long distance relationship and I mentioned I would be in town close to his birthday and that’s when he snapped saying how he feels guilty not having time for me as well as having me wait for him to finish school. He asked me to wait til he get to a better place in his life where he is most comfortable. He asked for a break. I respected his wishes. 3 weeks later I came to his town for my best friends party as well as to see how he was doing. When I went to see him he was in the car with a couple of his block friends drinking and smoking since it was cold outside. When he came out of the car I could see he had a fake smile on and was really forcing it.

    We went into his car to talk and he said he felt bad he had me waiting for him as well as felt pressure that I’m waiting for him to finish school. Yet still said he will come back for me when he’s ready but if I move on it’s ok he understands. I wasn’t putting any pressure on him at all. Guess it’s the depression. He also went on saying that I deserve someone who’s willing to talk to me and have time for me since he’s busy with school.
    He got the job I applied for him. Said he’s appreciative of all I’ve done for him. But as of right now he doesn’t see a happy future for himself let alone out relationship or any other relationship for that matter. He hates everything right now. His neighborhood his life his friends. He said he’d feel bad making me wait for him and to live my life. But wants to be friends.

    I honestly don’t know if he’s just acting like he’s depressed or if he really is. He’s in his early thirtys and I’m in my mid twenties. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I see myself as a good wife one day. And was hoping it’d be for him.

    I know it’s a lot to ask for but can someone please help me? Should I be friends with him or leave him alone? I love him with all my heart. We’ve known each other for four years went our seperate ways til 8 months ago when we got together.

    • Heidi says:

      Hi there
      I am the depressed(now ex) partner and I also felt a lot under pressure to finish school and pay my dues. The problem with depression is that you realize your behavior is hurting your partner but you just cannot seem to snap out of it (well, that is what I have experienced)
      Is he getting help yet? If not maybe suggest he does. Either way, don’t take yourself back because of what he is going through. Tell him that you want to support him but that you also need your space and time. Maybe just date or be friends, talk to him to see what situation might work for him but make sure it works for you too.
      I know this must be difficult for you, being on either side in a relationship with a depressed partner is very hard, at times frustrating and sometimes may seem hopeless….
      I am still hoping that once I am a little better my ex might consider giving me another chance but for now I am going to focus on myself and try tonheal.
      Good luck!

  125. Chet says:

    Maybe I’m wrapped up in my situation too deep. It’s only 5-6 months old. But when we met, the first 2-3 months we were together were the most amazing time. EVERYTHING fit so perfectly. But in a matter of 2 days things went from us talking about our future to her telling me, “I don’t want to be with you or anyone else right now”. Granted, she had some other, VERY stressful, things happen, but nothing between us that caused any problems.
    She told me she feels lost, numb & sad & doesn’t know how to fix it. I have tried to make sure she knows I’m here & will help in any way I can.
    I text her most mornings & just say “Good Morning”. So she knows I’m thinking about her. We text a little for a couple hours then it’s the next morning again.
    I love her more than anything in the world. And I know she loves me. So how can I just walk away from someone who is struggling with depression?

  126. Lee says:

    I have been married for 20 yrs with 3 children and have over the last 3 years had what can only be described as a rollercoaster ride . My husband was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after attempting suicide in our house. He has been in and out mostly in for the past 3 yrs. when he was out it was horrific I had to lock doors, windows etc to prevent him from absconding to go and kill himself, staying up night after night to watch him.
    One of my closest friends saw how much I was struggling and started coming round to help me so I could go to work.
    They got far too close and I begged both of them to back off didn’t believe for one minute that it was anything else other than he was becoming far too dependant on her. I then eventually discovered after many months that thy had been having an affair.
    I asked him to leave, I can’t believe it’s come to this he was my best friend, my soul mate. I know deep down that this would never had happened if he hadn’t been ill. At some point you just can’t blame it all on the illness and the depressed person must start living in the real world and take responsibility for their actions.
    I am trying hard to rebuild my life and my children’s as they have witnessed things I would never have dreamt would be possible for a parent to do to their children.
    Other people’s stories here are comforting that I am not he only one going through this hell.

  127. jim says:

    I do have to say. everything that you said was exactly what happened to me. My ex left me and im trying to figure out why. I did all of the things. i withdrew from her. I became angry, I blamed her for things, i yelled, i said very mean and hurtful things to her. Im trying to understand why i would do these things to someone i love so much and so deeply. I am now starting to realize i was and am depressed. your right as in its not the depression doing these things. rather doing these things through me.

  128. Jen says:

    Hi everyone,

    In August my husband moved out. He has suffered from depression his whole life. We have been together for 18 years, lived together for 12 and have been married for 7. We have been through many struggles. I have always felt that his depression has been a barrier to our intimacy. Which unfortunately caused me to put up some barriers of my own. Thus, we struggled. We both love one another very much but in the past year he has just gotten further and further away from me. Without any discussion of the need for a separation, I came home one morning after walking the dog, to find him packing boxes and telling me he was moving out.

    We have had conversations about our struggles and never came to any solutions. We tired to have children in 2010 and I found out I cannot. That threw him into a major depression by 2011. So badly that he told me that his life will have no meaning unless he has a child of his own with his own wife and since I couldn’t give him that he would have to find someone new with whom to make a family. I told him that if that is how he felt, he needed to find a new place to live. He decided he didn’t want to leave me, and stayed. He started medication and we went to counseling together for a year. He went off his meds after 6 months and within the year he moved out of our room and became more and more withdrawn. He has told me he has been suicidal on two occasions since 2011. He also expressed suicidal thoughts in high school. He has never shown any angry behaviors as described.

    He does not want to be on medication and has told me this is “just the way he is” and that because of that we just aren’t good for each other. Many times he has said ” I just want to be happy”. Before he was diagnosed (in 2007) I always took it to heart that I was making him unhappy.

    When he left he told me he just needed to end the pain. Since then he has told me he still loves me and doesn’t want to waste the last 18 years of our loves. He moved 4 miles away so he could ” be here if I needed him”. He said I can still have contact with him. He is still paying his half of the expenses on our home.

    I am heartbroken and confused. I really don’t think he is ever coming back. He started counseling and told me he wants to include me at some point. He leaves the door open just enough to give me a spark of hope.

    This site has been very helpful to me. Thank you to all who have posted. I love my husband but I don’t know that I will have a chance to love him again. This all makes me very, very sad.

    • Jen says:

      My husband’s communications have become less frequent. This week via text message he told me I should do what is best for me and leave him. He said his heart is empty and he has nothing left to share. When I asked him if he wants to leave me he does not answer. I told him I love him and he said he doesn’t know why. I told him I am willing to give him the time he needs but that I will need to know if he is still interested in staying married to me and working on that at some point. I told him I don’t want to leave him. He did not respond.
      I am working hard to take care of myself and put things in place in my life that give me hope but this is extremely challenging. I am very sad and miss him very much. I just can’t believe this man, who said he would never leave me, has been able to do this. Depression is such an ugly disease. However, it is also a disease that can be hidden to many on the outside, thus making the pain we are suffering seem very confusing.

      • Sandie says:

        Just know I share your pain and anguish. Your last comment is so very true. Yesterday my husband and I shared lunch with my sister and her husband – something he has not done in 4 years. All seemed well and after they left I mentioned how much I enjoyed the day, asking if he did also. He replied it was fine…but nothing more. Later, I mentioned once again that I enjoyed the day, and was starting to say why (speak more). I was cut off with a curt, ‘You’ve said that twice already!
        Today, I tried again mentioning how important it would be to me to have him come visit family with me sometime. That was taking it too far….but, we never know that until after it happens, do we? He got agitated, began blaming me and, especially, my family for the sad state of our marriage – over 30 GREAT years before depression reared its ugly head – and then told me he is NOT going to keep going to his therapist because HE is not the problem. HE does not have any problems.
        Mind you, my sister and brother-in-law thought yesterday was great. Although sis knows I go through a lot, she does not SEE it when it is happening. She does not get to live through the after effects of the depression and anxiety/panic.
        I want to say to you, keep taking care of yourself. Find and/or keep up with a support system: friends, co-workers, family. Share some of what you go through to get it off your chest, but make sure most of your shared time is experiencing goodness and camaraderie with loved ones. I don’t think any of us thought we would be here, and we certainly DON’T WANT to be here. But….we are. We owe it to ourselves to move forward in the new world depression creates for us, whether with our loved one or, without.
        I am sure you have done your best. Just as I am sure your depressed loved one probably doesn’t feel the same way. They just can’t.
        You are not alone, Jen.

        • Loyal says:

          From my experience w my partner, may i suggest He felt pressured by your statements. My partner does the same thing. Id say things like I miss you and get silence. I think -like you- I say it again hoping for a response, a sign of the old him, a I miss you too or i had a good time too, but they see it as an agenda and pressure. And they feel guilt. They cant respond; they cant even think clearly. At least this is what my partner who is NOW 🙂 coming out if this year long clinical depression explained to me when he apoligized for it . He would get so angry he would scream that I was pressuring him when I just wanted to be close and to see hope. And this is a man who never screamed prior to depression. He never even cursed in all the years I was with him!

          Their view is distorted. Try next time to say it once or maybe even promise yourself comments like that you’ll write down and give to him in a card so therefore the message is there for him minus the pressure to reply. My ex told me even nice texts made him feel guilty and his lack of response made me feel alone so I suggest paper or a card where a response isn’t really required. Keep reminding yourself it is not you or the two of you, it is the illness responding.

          • Sharon says:

            While I agree with loyal that your spouse may have felt pressured. I think that the implication is don’t do anything that might cause them to feel that pressure. And if your purpose is soley for their benefit, then yes. Do those things in a way that doesn’t cause them to feel pressure as best you can. But I have found that sometimes I say things to get my needs met, and that is okay too. Maybe today he can’t, and then I will have to figure out what to do with that, but maybe today he can and we can connect. If I allow our relationship to be driven only by his needs, then I come to a point where I am dried up and have no more to give. But if I can try to connect and take what he can give and give what I can, then at least we are living authentically.

          • Sandie says:

            I believe you are right. I know I struggle at times with ‘the old’ him, and the new one. I am just being facetious, but since I can’t ‘SEE’ the broken leg or the cut arm…what is in front of me is the same person I have always known. And in a way, I think there is still that thought that if I look upon him in a new way, have I given up on the old him? (Interesting thinking, no?!)
            I will just keep trying because I know it IS up to me to make these changes.
            Thanks for your kind response.

  129. sharon says:

    Thank you, John for your honesty at looking at this whole situation. While my husband and I have been married for 25 years, they have not been easy ones. I often vascilate between sympathy for what depression does to my husband, and hurt at what his actions do to me. I am right now working on finding that balance that allows me to both empathize with him and yet hold him accountable. As a good friend says it is not an either/or situation but a both/and one. I think the more we come to hold this as true and to remind ourselves when we feel otherwise, makes living it a little more bearable.

  130. Mandy says:

    Hey everyone! I just wanted to check in – for the final time – as I have decided to move on. NOT from all of you, but from my bf. Yes,you heard me right, I am done. Sat back and really thought about the entire situation:

    – he is 36 and tries to live life as a carefree 18yr old

    – he refuses to get a job as he thinks ‘corporate America’ is a trap…makes him miserable…he won’t work until he can start his own business

    – he is comfortable residing in a home FULL of dysfunction with 3 other adults (mom, stepdad, sister)

    – he has slept on his mothers couch for 9 mos!! And has no motivation to change

    – he complains about EVERYTHING and judges everyone…yet HIS life is a mess

    – he is extremely selfish in the way he treats me and speaks to me

    I was forced to take a look, not at him, but at myself…I needed to admit that I enabled this man and fell in love with his ‘potential’ not the reality of him. That was my mistake. I allowed his depression to be the blanket over all his mistreatment and selfish behavior, and so I am just as much to blame for this whole thing falling apart. Sent him a letter where I broke it down exactly WHY I don’t want to see him anymore, and I tried very hard not to be mean or cruel – just honest. He didn’t respond, and I’m fine with that. My gut tells me he will though…this guy doesn’t like to lose! He doesn’t like to be the one dumped. So it’s a given he’ll contact me. But it really doesn’t matter,b/c I’m no longer interested – I can’t emotionally heal (from all of this drama) if I don’t let him go and RUN.

    So to all of you still holding on, (((HUGS))) to each of you – cause it really is SO hard, so painful, so time consuming. I think that’s what im most upset about…the time I spent hoping he would snap out of it. If you for one minute feel the pain is too much – make sure to seek help for YOU. Good luck to everyone here and thanks SO much for giving me a platform to TALK about what I felt.

    • MM says:


      I have followed your story as I have firefly and many others of us on here going through this the entire summer together. I watched us all change. From worried, to angry, to hurt–we all transformed through these experiences.

      I can honestly say I am not the same person I was four months ago. . . I am not sure I will ever be the same again.

      I read a quote the other day that stuck with me. It read “If the path you are traveling doesn’t lead to love and happiness, take another path.”

      Simple enough and true!

      I , too, like Mandy, wrote a final letter to my ex. I am not sure he will ever read it or get it but I said the things I needed to say. As Mandy did, I was not cruel but I was honest and I didn’t protect him from the pain he had caused me and the terribly painful digression I saw in his character and personality. He is an empty shell of the man I loved. He is no longer the man I knew for years. . . I am not sure if that other guy is ever coming back…and quite frankly he should have fixed this or worked on it years ago when it surfaced.

      He says he wants to be alone. He has said it for months. So I will grant his wish.

      My ex birthday is tomorrow and I have decided to not contact him at all. I also decided the other night when I went on a date with someone new that I was done.

      I decided to come on tonight to say thanks for the support and remove this webpage from my bookmarks. I give up.

      Mandy: Your relationship was short but intense with this man and you seem like a very supportive and loving girlfriend. I am sorry you went through such a push and pull with him that left you feeling so confused and in so much pain at times.

      It’s nice to read now, after a few months of this, that you are stronger and focusing on you. I am following suit with you.

      I plan to not look back or check this site again.

      I wish you all the best. Mandy, Firefly, Jeff–thanks to all of you for sharing your stories with us and supporting me during the chaos and heart break…but I am done being broken for someone who doesn’t love me enough to hold onto me.

      And his depression created depression for me. This I can’t allow to happen. . . I have to love myself more. He doesn’t create my self worth and I worry that this was just the first of many episodes to come. If we did get back together, and he did heal and return, where would that leave me the next time a depressive episode hit? Would he leave again? What security do I have in all of this?


      I would have stood by him 100% if he has just held onto me the best he could. I wasn’t asking for more than his physical presence in my life during his depressed state. I wasted so much time reading books, writing to forums like this, trying to do the right thing and in the end, none of it mattered. . . I don’t matter to him. We don’t matter to him. He doesn’t even matter to him. That’s a battle I can’t win.

      The longer we are apart, the more distant I become from it, the less appealing he is to me.

      I want someone who wants me to stand by them at his worst and someone who would do the same for me. Depression can change people; I dont deny it’s a disease but it doesn’t excuse complete abandonment of the other party in the relationship.

      I was the casualty of his depression. Whatever we had is dead. He , the depression, whatever this was killed it.

      Thanks for listening…and I wish you all happiness and joy.

      Storiedmind, my ex, and this dark cloud of depression are in the rear view mirror now. Everyone has their breaking point. . . I’ve reached mine.

      • Mandy says:


        (((HUGS)))!!! For real girl…much respect to YOU for doing what you need to do for YOU. I love when you said:

        “the longer we are apart, the more distant I become from it, the less appealing he is to me”

        That is EXACTLY how I feel! It’s ironic that the more time passes the more time I have to THINK about things and step back and see how disgusting my situation was…so all that time HE took to be alone, he gave ME to recognize how much of a waste he was for me. Granted, he’s not a bad person…again, he is sick. But in the end, I have come to grips with the fact that I chose him! So I need to dig in deep and clean out the reason…

        I’ve always had options (in men) I just chose NOT to exercise them because I wanted to be true to him, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, now I am giving MYSELF permission to move on, to date, to possibly meet someone worthwhile. MM, I give you so much credit for owning this situation and I too wish you the very best.

      • MM says:

        I stayed. I stayed with him. Now 2018 and it’s still awful. Still depressed. Still cycles with the good then the bad. Rage. Empty promises.

        I can’t believe I stayed. If you can leave, I suggest you run. Only your partner can help himself.


  131. lirpa says:

    My ex fiance (a man, I’m a woman) was trolling craigslist for gay men. I found out a few months into our relationship. He swore he wasnt gay and that it was just for attention. I gave a lot of leeway. I asked him stop, but made many consessions if he couldnt.

    Only talk to people who are across the country so we don’t have a concern of physical infidelity

    If you’re curious, lets talk to people (who do not live near us) together which proves your honesty and showed my support.

    Stop using your real name and face pictures.

    He said he didnt want to donit at all and went to therapy. He lied about it a few more times bu t then he genuinely appeared to stop. It didnt save my sanity and I spent a lot of time snooping his pjone and computer. He was aware and said it was ok, he understood and had nothing left to hide from me. One year later, I found some not yet deleted craigslist correspondence when he was out of state on business inviting someone to his hotel room. I broke it off.

    He has bipolar depression and blames that. He has a sexual abuse past and blamed that… I hinestly feel like the choice he made was to be a liar and possibly a cheater and that my only option was to end it, get away before legality and children were in the mix, get myself checked for stds and try to get on with life.

    He feels like I am throwing us away and that I should be trying harder.
    Sometimes I actually feel guilty.

  132. Mandy says:

    Look…I fully understand the depressed person needing their space, wanting to check-up on you (as their loved one), and you indulging in that convo with them. But please do not use their depression as an excuse for their hurting you. You shouldn’t have to ASK if cutting him off will help – you know that answer already. If it hurts you toyour core, it’s no good. Ok? You boyfriend knows what he’s doing, and just b/c HE is confused but wants to keep you on a string does not give him the right to confuse you too! Take a stand. If you want to hear from him – fine. If not, tell him that.

    • firefly says:

      Good point Mandy.
      I think it’s hard NOT to want to reach out even tho they don’t seem to care if you do or don’t. Maybe they DO want you to but….nobody’s a mindreader. Sometimes it feels like a game. It feels like a push and pull. You reach out and they push you away. Or you reach out, they give a little effort but you realize the amount of effort they give never takes off. And Sometimes it just goes back to them shutting down and you’re back to square one. All scenarios leave you feeling crappy. Trust me, I know the crappy feeling. It’s not nice.

      Yes. I believe they know what they’re doing to their loved ones but they’re so engrossed and focused on THEIR pain and themselves. They might know how they’re hurting you but they are more focused on how hurting you is hurting themselves. So until they’re able to truly get a sense of true self they will continue to remain in their own misery. They look in the mirror and see how they are hurting inside themselves and that’s where the thought process ends. “I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel unworthy. I don’t like the person I see.”
      They don’t look in the mirror and see the deeper issues of their behavior. In other words they don’t say, “My loved one is hurt by my actions and words. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused them and what can I do to make it better.”

      Depressed people in a sense are self absorbed. They’re consumed with their fears and shame. They may feel guilt. But the guilt is about what they feel for themselves and in themselves. It’s not about the pain their loved one feels. They feel bad but they wont necessarily do anything to take the next step to fix the situation. They may recognize what theyve done but the pain they feel doesnt correlate to how YOU are hurting. Its about them. They don’t have remorse. Having remorse is recognizing their actions and feeling bad about how it affected their loved one. Remorse makes you want to remedy the pain because you truly feel sorry. It’s asking ownership of what you have done and the focus is wanting to make it better for the one offended.

      • kiwi says:

        you are growing up beautifully firely…..Respect!!!!

      • Sandie says:

        Wow! I wanted to respond to this firefly. It is beautifully written, and is my loved one dead on. I so agree with ‘they know what they’re doing to their loved ones’. Mine actually vocalized one day that ‘when you are in pain and feel bad, you just want to be bad.’ Ouch! Yet….I kinda got it. Didn’t make me feel any better because he is becoming more mean verbally; but….I kinda got it.

        I just wish I could ‘act’ better when faced with this, not ‘react’. It is so hard when someone is saying terrible things about you or others you care about. Hard to step back and think, ‘he is just baiting me’. I just keep working on it, though.


        • firefly says:


          I’m glad the words I wrote were helpful for you. I really do empathize with you and your situation. It truly is difficult to not react to your loved ones verbal lashes. It cuts to the core.

          As said before, we can only control ourselves and keep our own emotions in check. We cannot force people to change or make them see things the way we see them. All we can do is protect our hearts and live by example….not for their sake But for our own. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I try to remain positive and set boundaries. Once those boundaries have been breached, I gently tell the person that I feel they have said something inappropriate and how it made me feel. If the person decides to have an outburst or tantrum, I walk away. It has taken a bit of practice to walk away because we women have the need to talk things out and resolve immediately. Most men prefer to be left alone and to process things for themselves.

          The main thing to remember is that nobody deserves to be talked down to or disrespected. Understandably, depression brings out the worst in people. Walking away isn’t saying “you win”. Walking away says “I love you. I do value you and I understand you’re going thru emotional distress. But I don’t deserve this treatment and I CHOOSE NOT to subject myself to this right now because I also value myself as well.”

          Hang in there….

          • Sandie says:


            I am going to print these words you sent above because I am learning, but it does take constant thought, and practice, to just ‘walk away’.

            Again, thank you most kindly for taking the time to reply. It does mean a lot. And through all the drama and pain, I DO still love and care about my husband.

  133. Andrei says:

    After reading all these sad stories, please tell me if mine sounds familiar. We were married and living together for five and half years. Best ever match of characters, we were best friends, best partners and everything was so perfect between us. We never stayed more than one day apart from eachother. We just couldn’t. We always made jokes on how we would be when we grow older together and who is going to get Parkinson first and so on.

    In march I had to leave Brazil for my home country since I had a family problem. I stayed in there for 2 months, in which me and my wife talked almost everyday on Skype. We were both feeling bad and just couldn’t wait the moment when we will be together again. All of the sudden, she started to tell me she had problems at work and she was feeling down and depressed because of it (she covered for a bunch of people that werent doing their work properly) and that she often cries because of it. I was worried but she had these problems before and they always go away eventually.

    She had other problems as well. Weight problems (she was very skinny before and just hated the extra weight, could never cope with it) and back problems (that kept her away from loosing the extra weight), that degenerated into more problems (sometimes she couldn’t put her shoes and so on… I was always there to help her, or she could bend to pick up things from the floor etc). She also had some baggage from her family (mother with alcohol problems, used to beat her, parents in divorce, fights at home and so on).

    When I finally arrived in Brazil, she waited me at the airport, she was crying and so happy to see me and I was just the happiest man in the world. I was back with her, where I belonged. But three days after, suddenly she starts to cry and I start to ask her some questions. After some minutes she tells me she wasn’t sure she loves me as a man anymore, but as a friend, and that she suddenly knows now why she is depressed. My world just collapsed around me. I begged her to go and seek professional help, go see a marriage counselor but she just didn’t want any of it. She just looked like she just wants to get rid of me, out of her life, and the sooner the better. I stayed one more week in there and left. We didn’t fight or anything, and she say she wants to remain friends.

    Now I am back in my home country, with a big depression, feeling like my heart has been broken in many pieces and totally lost. I have panic attacks and an all-present anxiety. Going to a psychiatrist didn’t help. I just love her too much. I feel like I cannot live without her. Practically I lost everything. We had plans, a future, we were building a house for us in there and also we had plans for an online business. I have some contact with her on Facebook, but she doesn’t say too much. She says she went to a shrink and she is taking pills. Practically I feel helpless in here, an ocean away from her and I also feel I do not belong in my home country.

    • AB says:

      I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, I feel I can safely say that this sounds familiar to ALL of us on here–at least elements of it.

      A great wonderful connection and relationship destroyed SUDDENLY by depression. I remember when my partner broke up with me suddenly over the phone. My mouth honestly hit the floor when he said it. I was in shock. Pure disbelief. Just days before he had thanked me for helping him through the depression and said he would be there for me in the same way…and then he broke up with me over the phone.

      He didnt even say goodbye to my children whom he had a relationship with for years. (and one is autistic and on new medication that wasn’t working–he knew that my son needed consistency.) When I asked him why he didn’t say goodbye to them (so out of character), he offered to but the point was he didn’t WANT to…totally out of character from the man I once knew. My four year old still months and months later asks where he went. My son I think feared it was his fault. My boyfriend had just started spending more time with my children before this happened and my son knows me is a bit different with his autism and OCD–I was so hurt for them too. This is only ONE example of the many changes I saw suddenly in my once caring boyfriend.

      It took me about three months before I could sleep. I grew severely depressed myself–near suicidal. I had other things going on that were already hard for me to handle and losing my main support and best friend–after watching him become depressed over a few months–became too much to handle for me. I suffered. My jobs suffered. My kids suffered. The entire damn summer I was miserable.

      Try to be aware of your own self during this time. I was so worried about him, and repairing us that I lost myself and nearly went under. I can barely remember the past three months other than feeling sick to my stomach (you know that empty gut feeling), not sleeping, not playing with my kids, not paying my bills, and crying a lot. I reran things through my head over and over –things he said, great memories of us, etc. It drove me crazy.

      Now months later, he still says he wants to be alone. Needs to be alone. I don’t even recognize his personality at times.

      I am horribly sad but I’ve accepted it. I had to or it was going to destroy me. I do believe people can die from a broken heart. I never expected this from him–or us.

      On the other hand, some partners do come back. I encourage you to read some of the other letters and posts on the web page here—you will find many partners never return but some do…John’s story too is one that I found powerful and inspirational on those days I didn’t think I could live one more day without his laugh, touch, kiss…or those days when I just couldnt fathom what had happened or why he cut me out of his life…

      I am very sorry you have joined us and are going through this too. John states in some of his blogs that often the person closest to the depressed person has to be careful to not get depressed too. As you stated, you lose hope and feel helpless and confused and lost.

      I think it’s a good sign you are still in touch with her. Not one time did my ex partner reach out to me. Not once. That hurt me the most. I have never felt so unimportant and confused in my life. My father was very sick and he had been the most caring boyfriend for a few years–not checking on me, not calling, not responding to me–it hurt so much. It honestly had a great affect on my self-esteem. It not that I think his love for me or acceptance of me makes my worth as a human being but I certainly felt discarded, very unimportant and eventually foolish. . .

      I miss him very much but I am now angry, bitter and fighting depression myself. I sometimes get angry because I supported him through his depression (till he cut me off) and he left me as a casualty. Truly a casualty of his own war with himself and now I am depressed and where is he? It’s vicious.

      I never in a million years thought he would hurt me like this–depressed or not. Depression destroys relationships and I hope yours is mended one day. Until then, I advise you from personal experience, to take care of you.

      Always B

      • Kristin says:

        AB – how are things in your life now? I’m going through the same torture. My entire body hurts, can hardly ever eat (only doing so because I know it’s important), constant fast heartbeat in the mornings (I think this is one of the worst times – late at night too. It’s the realization that he’s not at home in bed with me). I feel I won’t ever be able to get through this. The thing with him is, he contacts me daily, only tells me about his depression, still does things with friends (faking it just to feel something for a little when out with them) etc. he said he wants to fix himself, while I fix me (I know I’m co dependent at times), then fix us. He says he loves me still. But I just can’t fathom how he doesn’t want to be in our comfy bed at home laying with me like normal watching Netflix – instead in his moms spare tiny bedroom with a not so comfy bed. Or her couch. Depending on the night. And I feel he says those things, but won’t actually come back. Ugh.

        • AB says:

          I stayed with him. He came back 13 months later. We are still together now and it’s awful. He has gotten treatment, tried therapy, tried various medications but is still depressed. He now has rage issues. Looking back, I should’ve bee. Grateful he left and never took him back. I wasted years on his empty promises.
          I hope yours turned out better.

    • kiwi says:

      Hi Andrei,

      I read your whole story. This sucks big time. A few months back I went through the exact situation and I know whats going through your mind. All I can say is: this is not a good time to stay in a different country hoping that things would get fixed. I made that mistake!!! You got to go back there and stay in the vicinity close to her not with her(rent a separate apt# if you need too), so that you can give yourself a fighting chance. You may also want to indulge yourself in routine activities that you always wanted to do in life but could’nt find time for eg. gyming, sports any fun stuff that would give you an outlet to release your daily pressure to handle your own depression. Try to show her(*not push) the same path. Also do not push her to work things out, just let her know that you believe in her. Try to be strong and relaxed in front of her even on phone/or in person if you guys are still talking. Chatting wont help bro…believe me!!! She may want to not see you for a while but thats ok in depression. You gotta be patient. I think everything is associated with her physical health. People who daily hit the gym are in a much better state of mind to handle work pressure. I know what I wrote may not be the kind of emotional feed you are looking for at this point in time. But either you can continue let things make you feel terrible or take charge of the situation and do what a man needs to do…. Good Luck to you both.

  134. JJ says:

    My ex left the relationship because of his depression and is has contacted me several times wishing me the best and hopes I find the person I deserve. Every time I hear from him it just sets me back should I just have no contact with him?

    • kiwi says:

      Hi JJ, please stop being a “door mat” for your ex. Just tell him to go skew himself. And YES you have to move ON. Everything goes away watsap, viber, fb, linkedin, phone calls, meeting him, letting him know by any means that hows your life going(In short burn all the bridges). Try running (20 min) everyday and make new friends, that will help. Good Luck.

  135. Jeff says:

    I’m trying to deal with the loss of my fiancé who currently resides in my in-law apartment until she moves out at the end of the month. We haven’t had contact in the last two weeks until last night when she asked me how I was doing and my son qho is 8 and that she thinks about me and my son daily. I need to start healing but her contacting me last night just set me back. Do you need to stop all contact in order to heal, I feel like I do. She states that she still loves how could this be after all she has done. I think I need to stop all contact I still love her but I can’t do this anymore I feel I die a little bit every time I have a contact with her. Am I abandoning her by doing this I have such guilt over this.

  136. Jeff says:

    I have been in a relationship for the past five years. During this time I helped my fiancé financially, with he daughter and tried to be supportive with her depression. We had tried couples therapy and she stated that the issues are with her and not me and that I deserve so much more than she can offer. I had purchased a home for us tried to make a perfect life always putting my own needs last. She in the last few weeks had totally shut down and has decided to move out. I am devastated over this. It’s as if she has given up all hope and has not taking into the effects this would have on her daughter who I have cared for since she was a 1 old and my son who is 8. Not to mention the pain I have been going through and the financial issues that are to come. I can barely function because of this and have been in therapy but I remain so depressed. I have tries to reason with her and wrote letters and she reacts very cold or no reaction at all only stating that she will never know true happiness and that she is unable to function in a health relationship. She swears its not another person and that I am the most amazing person in the world. Yet she is able to associate with her friend and seem to be normal. I have never liked this friend and had always felt she was jealous of my fiancé from past actions but it seems as if she has this whole different life with friend and I feel that this may have been the cause of our issues . I’m lost, confused and so hurt.

  137. Jessica says:

    I’m going throught the exact same thing right now with my ex. We were together for 8 months or so, and things were literally PERFECT. he always said how much he loved me, how obsessed he is with me, he was constantly touching me and play fighting with me. It was literally perfect. and completely out of the blue, he broke up with me because of his depression. He started taking out all of his anger on me, and he admitted it. He kept saying “I can’t be in a relationship with anyone else if i dont even know who i am right now.” which i totally understood, but it hurt like crazy. At first i was understanding, but as the week went by, I felt so hurt, and felt so confused and devastated. I just kept thinking, if he really loved me then wouldnt he want me there to help him through this?

    A week went by, and after more fighting because of how bad he hurt me, he begged to talk and we decided to get back together despite of his depression, and to try to work through it.

    And this was a bad idea. the first few days were fine. but we just kept going down hill from there. he continued to take out all of his anger on me, and to act really weird. He started not telling me what he was doing, or if he was going out with his friends. When he used to tell me EVERYTHING, even when he was going to lunch with his mom. We got into fights over stupid things, and he would just be sooo rude sometimes. I tried in the last few days we were together to fix things, but it just wasnt happening. And we broke up again.

    after him explaining it all to me once again, i understood and just decided to give him his space. it has now been over two weeks and no text, no calls, no NOTHING. its crazy how something can go from so good, to so bad so fast. But now he left me in a bubble of confusion with tons of questions. How can he go from being “so obsessed with me” (as he always said) to no contact, no NOTHING and have it be so easy for him to not contact me?

    I think im just most confused because of how perfect things were before, and even just a WEEK before we broke up, he would say things to me like… “what’s mine is yours”, “i love you so much”..”my house is your house” and “youre so beautiful”… “youre the best girlfriend i’ve ever had”…”if you ever left me i dont know what i would do..”

    it just hurts so bad and it makes me question everything he’s ever said to me. was it not true? was it his mood swings talking? i have no idea.

    • Mandy says:

      I completely understand where you were coming from here!! In normal healthy relationships – the couple learn to lean on each other in times of need. Sometimes, when they are facing struggles, it brings them even closer. But in dealing with these men who are suffering so sadly with depression – it’s like WE become their enemy instead of their closest ally. I have read a ton of the stories on this site and there are some that have been out of contact with their depressed loved one for years…can you imagine the pain of living with that? Wish I could say that the confusion goes away, but it hasn’t for me. My bf just walked out again today – and I’m sitting here now, trying to remind myself of the reason I even bother with this man…struggling to remember what it was like to be happy again – as I was with him before depression put him in a chokehold…desperate to FEEL like I can be secure again with him. Making it even harder, as you stated, is the beautiful things they say during the few (and far in between) moments of sentiment. Their words are so sweet that we fall again, we let go of all the inhibitions we built up when they walked away and hurt us the 1st…2nd…3rd times. But just like a fly in a spiders web, we end up STUCK in their web of depression and are left along – once again – to fight our way out.

      I’m so sorry you are going through this – I am. (((HUGS))) It’s difficult and as I just said in my last post, emotionally draining.

      • Lili says:

        Hi Mandy,

        I have been following your updates regularly, and i have to say, you are a strong woman! I too have been pulled, pushed and then pulled again in the relationship by my partner, who only 3 month ago wanted to end the relationship that we shared for over 4 years. But then through talking, decided to remain with me, and now we are trying to recovera and heal, once again.
        He too have had childhood problems with his father and it’s clear its one huge trigger for his depression among over little things.

        What i found to be extremely helpful during his worst times was his family. And this weekend that just past, we had a wonderful trip down to his family farm, first time in a long time.
        His family have always loved having me around and treat me as part of the nest. His mother, step father, sister, nieces and nephews who all love me, im guessing its because im the first relationship that lasted so long.
        So when i went over and saw that they have brought me a set of sweater/trackpants and designer gumboots, i was overwhelmed with love and joy! Its a beautiful feeling. Due to his depression we have not visited his family as often as before, so yesterday was the first time in almost a year that i saw his mother again.
        She secretly told me that she’s so greatful to have me looking out for her son and stuck by him even when he was cruel towards me.
        All seem well now for me and my relationship, and i can only do my best to continue being supportive and being unconditionally loving. Forgive and forget is the hardest thing to do, and im trying my best to do it. 🙁

        Mandy are you close to your bf’s family? what i found to be really comforting was having the support from his side of the family, who are aware of his depression because i alerted them and told them everything. I find that they really do help as the depressive partner can really feel cornered from the constant ‘nagging’ coming from us. By having the family knowing what’s going on, they can take over the talking part when he goes to visit them, and divide negative vibe. And ofcause, because they are blood, he will most likely listen to them better and feel less ashamed opening up.

        I am very sad to see you going through the emotional rollercoaster again. Please keep us updated and stay strong! Feel free to chat anytime. <3

        • Mandy says:

          Hi Lili!

          Unfortuately, my bf’s main issue lies with his dysfunctional family – and so no, I am not close to them nor do I care to be. His stepfather is abusive to his alcoholic mother, his sister is a recreational drug user, and although they are all very kind and inviting towards me, they are NOT the kind of people I choose to endear myself to. I think they are wrapped up in their own situations that speaking to them about bf’s issues would fall on deaf ears.

          I’m not that strong – hahaha. I wish! My bf’s depression has done a number on my psyche in the 5 mos we’ve been together. It’s almost embarrassing to admit that what looked like such an amazingly happy relationship that flowed so effortlessly…has come to a screeching halt without rhyme or reason. It breaks my heart to see him struggle but it doesn’t give him the right to put that struggle on ME – the one person that has no drama, is successful, and has his back. Still angers me that he sees me as the villain when in actuality, I’m the victim in this dynamic. What can I do though? His mind is sick, that’s all I keep reminding myself – my bf is sick…my bf is sick. That’s why I’m double-thinking whether all of this drama is worth spending another 5 mos in this tornado WITH him?! Working to figure out if I choose to deal with him…

          • Lili says:

            Oh dear Mandy,

            Im so sorry to hear that. I have been completely crushed by my bf’s negativity. I know that exact feeling of … ” embarrassing to admit that what looked like such an amazingly happy relationship that flowed so effortlessly…has come to a screeching halt without rhyme or reason. ” This is the perfect description for me about 4 mths ago. And i cried and plead for trying together to overcome this. At first he was hesitate, and did not give me definite answer. And now here we are, 4 mths later, still together, things are calm and “stale”. We seem to be trying to heal together, i can only hope things get better from now on.

            Mandy, i know its very hard (been there and still struggles even now) to never blame yourself for his illness. Like you said, he is ill mentally. Have you tried talking to him again? From your previous posts, he sound emotionally unstable. He sound so walled up by his negative thoughts he pushes you away, yet at the same time he desperately want you to be around him when he slowly comes to sense with himself after an episode of depression. The one thing i found that helped my bf rethink throwing everything away was telling him not to make such harsh/life altering decision while in the depth of depression. Surprisingly my bf actually took those words in and agreed to continue having me by his side as he try to become a new man.

            Keep us updated Mandy! I am here whenever you need to talk! Take care of yourself dear <3

    • Jeff says:

      Jessica I am left in the same position as you. My fiancé would say she loved me and that I was the best thing to ever happen to her. Then she just closed me out and has had no contact with me only to say she was moving out. I am left questioning what I did wrong or what I didn’t do? Was there someone else? The pain is unbearable at times. I just am glad I am not alone.

      • MM says:

        Jeff. You are not alone. My ex left me four months ago and although now I wouldn’t return to the relationship that feeling took a long time to achieve. I tried for months to mend things and was so hurt. Only days before the sudden break up he had told me he was so glad to have me and he would be here for me in the same way. Then he ended our two year relationship on the phone a few days later. I was bewildered by it and thought eventually he’d swing back to me. It was the worst pain ever when he didn’t. Now 4 months later I’m still sad but a lot of the sadness has turned into anger and bitterness. It’ll take me a long time to find peace but I know that too will come. You will hurt. You will worry about her but I advise you to focus on yourself. Even if you do contact her she’s not the her you knew- she’s the depressed her and from my experience i wish I had just walked and not looked back. Only she can fix herself and return to you. Give her the space to do it.

      • Lili says:


        Do not ever bring burden upon yourself, by thinking you have done something wrong. Because it is totally untrue. It is an emotional deceit created by the depressive partner to make the closest loved ones feel at blame. The depressed is always so angry/frustrated and sad over something fundamentally buried inside themselves, they feel everyone is against them. And for us, the ones who love them the most, become the great nemesis. They think we are the cause, the reason, that they are sad and unhappy, while they are their own source of negativity.
        And that is why they want to push us away, they want space, they want and fantasies of a new life/relationship thinking that by getting rid of us, they could find happiness and everything will be great again. They fail to understand that they are the problem. not us.

        • Mandy says:

          I want to thank EVERYONE for their kind words of encouragement AND for sharing their own ‘stories’ of pain […] I honestly didn’t know it would be THIS bad, 5 mos ago when he told me he has depression. The part that continues to eat away at me is WHY – why did I tolerate this so soon in a relationship? It’s not as if we’ve been together 1yr +…it’s been 5 mos!!! If I feel this hurt, sad, angry, alone only after a short period of time, imagine the massive issues I would have a year down the line? Or 5 yrs in dealing with this man? UGH!! It makes me look inside myself even deeper to figure out what is driving me to have bothered after the 1st time he flipped out. It seems we all have the same scenario’s too: [these] were the best relationships we’ve had – thus far. It almost feels like we are living amongst zombies…they walk and talk but are ‘dead’ inside and they just so happen to suck the life out of those of us who are living….lol!

          I now am working on my own damn self! I love my boyfriend, that I cannot deny, and I won’t even minimize the impact he has had on me in this 5 mos. But (and I mean a strong BUT) – he will not take me down that black hole with him! I deserve to have someone emotionally support me, appreciate me, love me and want to be with me – not someone who doesn’t even know where he’s AT half the time. It’s hard, yes it is. Jeff…I feel for you, I do! There is no quick way to fill the void, and do NOT make the mistake of even attempting to. Unfortunately, I’m a firm believer in letting it ‘hurt’. How else will you remember to ‘stay away’ for what hurt you initially or to get over it all?! 🙁 I realize wholeheartedly that my boyfriend will come back…and that may sound cocky or whatever, but I just know it. And my goal is to be strong enough at the time so that when he does come back, I can continue to set the necessary boundaries to keep myself sane.

          • Linda says:

            Hi. I’m curious….did he come back and if so, what happened? I just went through a break-up due to the guy’s depression. I have a feeling he might come back eventually, but…he’d have to agree to get some help. I cannot go through the withdrawal/weirdness again. Its too painful.

            Anyway, I’m wondering what happened in your case and how you handled it.


      • Mandy says:


        I cannot and will not make any EXCUSE for what your fiance has said to you in her moments of clarity – what I will say is this: she is sick. Try hard to remember that…she…is…sick. And never ever ever ever ever – blame yourself. It’s not like you had an STD, slept with her unprotected, and now she has it?! This is a chemical imbalance. There was no external ’cause’ of her decision and suffering. so you cannot blame yourself.

        • Jeff says:

          I’m just at a loss.. I’m a good man, good father and have always been there for her. She was able to lead this happy life outside of the home with her two new friends while shutting out her best friends in the process. She says she is unable to love herself and that is why she can not be in a relationship. I have gone through two suicide scares with her months of depression that comes and goes throughout the years all while tying to maintain this relationship. How can they switch from being depressed with me and the kids but ok with her friends?

          • Mandy says:


            When you have a fight with your s/o, do you go to work moping around, looking sad and crying, being mean and nasty? Not typically. The average person will go to work or go ‘out’ and no one will be will the wiser that there is turmoil at home! Same with them…my boyfriend told me that being around me is a reminder of everything he is NOT. I’m assuming that ‘reminder’ pushes him deeper into his depression?! But it’s still not MY fault nor my problem that he holds himself up to some wacky standard in his head…nor am I responsible to PAY for his lackings. As for you, go read your post again and count all the times you said “I”…I did…I am…I was there. Do you get what I’m saying? Not once did you say SHE…she gave me…she did (xyz) for me…she was there for me…she supported me. Did you? In the end, you have given to someone who is currently unable to give BACK (if at all) and it is no reflection on you. You were in a relationship that was one-sided…and the sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner you will be able to look outside your feelings and see the situation for what it is. NOT saying you don’t love her and she doesn’t love you – as I would kick anyones butt that told me my boyfriend doesn’t love me. Even thought all his depression ‘crap’, I FEEL it. But I am no fool, and I also know that for as much as I have supported this man, I deserve the same in return. And the fact that right now I’m not getting that support back, means that I too was in a one-sided relationship. It does hurt. But we still have to remember that it’s the depression ‘using’ us and all we have to give…not these people.

          • MM says:

            Jeff. I think I cried for three months straight. Honestly. I had to see a therapist. The sudden change and break up really hurt me-he’d been telling me for months it wasn’t me and it was the depression. He wasn’t going anywhere and then one day he just needed to be alone. From that day forward to today four months later he’s never gone back to a man who cares about me. My father has cancer and was in the hospital at the time and he never even called. Very out of character but he’s sick. She’s sick. It’s not like a broken arm where we can see the injury. It’s mental and runs deep. It’s not you. Do yourself a favor and try not to make sense of things that arent logical right now. I am so sorry you are going through this.

        • MM says:

          Mandy. I so appreciate you sharing your story too. And you’re right. He and I had an awesome relationship. Sad to see it die to this disease.

  138. Mandy says:

    I stumbled across this site after doing a google search for “depression and relationships” – and I am grateful I did! My boyfriend of 5 mos – who I am falling in love with – suddenly tells me he is up and moving to FL in a matter of weeks, he doesn’t know if he even (wants) me, he hates his family, and he cares about me but feels nothing…I was devastated!! Cried for 3 days and eventually went to talk to him in person, where he actually broke down sobbing and kept saying “you don’t want me – I’ll only bring you down, that’s what my exes say”. He talked about how he is never happy, he hates his life, hates his past, how much the world sucks, how he doesn’t even want a job b/c he doesn’t want to be a ‘cog in corporate America’, he cries himself to sleep at night, he sometimes wants to die?! It broke my heart, but suddenly, made things MUCH clearer. I understood that it wasn’t really ‘him’ that was saying this stuff…and finding this site and reading others stories of the same plight, made it easier to understand. So I just want to thank ALL of you for opening up and sharing your stories here – I’m humbled by the fact that others DO understand how this depression can hurt people…how hard it is to love someone that suffers from it…and the work it takes to separate the imbalance from the person.

    I walked away from my boyfriend, as I love him but love myself more. He needs to take steps to regain his sanity – otherwise in dealing with him, I will lose mine. He’s not a fool, he will be back (I’m sure of it) and he has said numerous times how I’m the best thing to happen to him. But those are words in my eyes. I want actions now…

    • Mandy says:

      So…I have an update – and it’s NOT at all what I even would’ve expected.

      My boyfriend was asked to help a friend move cross-country and he jumped at the chance. I had HOPED this trip would be good for him, help him clear his head, and that he would come back ‘changed’ and out of his depression. He was gone for 2 weeks, and in those 2 wks he stayed in CLOSE contact!!! He would send me pics constantly, give me step-by-step playback of the trip, call me daily to talk (which is not him usually b/c he’s not a phone guy), and he asked to Skype – which we did the last week he was out West. He sent me very sentimental messages about how he felt about me, how he felt honored to be with me, etc. I picked him up on Thur at the train station and I played it cool..not clingy/not pushy. He was in a so-so mood (from traveling all day) but he eventually warmed up and was back to his normal self. We get back to my place (as we had agreed he would spend a few days with me) and that night, he was very affectionate! Admitted that he missed me and that his friend (the one he helped move) had commented on how after we would Skype, my boyfriend looked sad – and that he admitted it was because he missed me immensely. Fri, we laid around catching up, and then he asked me to take him shopping – where we had a ball! He bought me whatever I wanted and got some things for his family/friends. Fri night we went out for drinks, and he was joking and it felt like his normal ‘self’ was back! But it was all NOT real…as the happiness I felt for having him come back and be with me was only short lived.

      Late Fri night, he shares something from his childhood with me, and felt offended that I didn’t acknowledge it the way HE wanted or something like that – I honestly still don’t know what the trigger was – but he held onto it and that was the end of my ‘fun’ weekend. He stopped being affectionate, I cuddled up next to him and nothing…no arm, no kiss, he kept his arms behind his head as if to make to clear that he was not in the mood. My gut told me things were about to get worse, and they did. Sat morning, I make us breakfast, he readily accepts, and I ask to talk. I wish I could say I was sorry for confronting him and his behavior – but I’m not…I wanted him to know how hurt I was. So I go into explaining that he cannot claim ‘victim’ over one perceived slight on my part when HE has invalidated MY feelings for the past month. He has done nothing but push/pull in this relationship and that it’s ok if he is confused about how he feels – but until he figures that out – it is NOT ok for him to confuse ME. So this man that I’ve had 2 good days with, now turns on me! He jumps out of bed and immediately starts packing his things to go and proceeds to tell me that :

      1. He did miss me but that he didn’t want to tell me that b/c he thought I would think it meant he was not going to move away and he didn’t want to mislead me?
      2. He said he felt ‘we’ aren’t working out?
      3. He (very calmly) said that when he’s moved away, how it should be easy for me to find someone else…and that I’ll probably get married or start a family b/c that is what ALL his exes end up doing. But he said he knows I will always be in the back of his mind???? Also add, that he admitted that his moving away from such a perfect woman is something he knows he will regret and he’ll realize it when he needs me most b/c by that point he’ll be alone??
      4. He said that I am misunderstanding the nature of our relationship – and so I directly asked him 2x to tell me to my face WHAT our relationship ‘is’? He danced around the topic until the 3x I demanded he answer the question – he replied “we are dating. we are seeing each other. But I am still not staying here, I am still moving to Florida and I am not asking you to come with me, I am not going to have a long distance relationship with you – because this isn’t going anywhere in future.”
      5. He then had all his things packed up and he stood outside in my apt complex parking lot waiting for a taxi to pick him up.

      That’s the end of my beautiful weekend with the boyfriend I am SO in love with but who continues to so callously remind me that he doesn’t want me – which I said to him. He told me that it’s not that I’m not good enough for him – that I’m not the problem. But that HE doesn’t feel he’s good enough for me…that he isn’t where he wants to be in life and he doesn’t think he deserves to be with me. So the wound that I was working on closing has been kicked right back open! I cried like a baby. Called my cousin and vented, then was fine. I will say that I’m not AS angry as I was the 1st time this happened, and I’m not exactly as sad either – but it’s the underlying hurt this depression leaves behind that is the killer. It’s like he caused this major head-on collision, and then he just got out the car and walked away! What hurts MOST is his lack of acknowledging his cruel behavior. He is extremely bright and witty, but when it comes to talking about ‘us’ and all that is going on, he turns into this ridiculous child who is not making any sense. HIs arguments waiver on crazy. So in a month, I lost him, got him back for a short window of time, and have lost him again. The difference this time is that I am not thinking about if he’ll come back. This time, I am thinking about whether I even want him to come back…whether this is worth it to me – to deal with this crazy cycle of push/pull. It’s so emotionally draining, and is becoming more ‘work’ then I had ever expected in dealing with this man. We’ll see.

      • Marikka says:

        This story is like writing mine. So much the same. We have been thru the same thing twice. We are back together again and it’s been 10 months he’s stayed on his mess this time and is getting help. The not good enough for me the childhood problems etc all came out this time and he’s getting therapy so for us we are heading forward finally. It’s hard for me to trust though very hard and at times I am anxious it will strike again. The therapist said we have to do a contract together that he will listen when I say he’s slipping again and get help that he has to listen to me so that’s kind of good. I hope it never happens again as I’m not sure I could do the him leaving dating sites porn and all that stuff again it really destroyed me at the time. It’s strange how depression can really create someone to do things so out of character to a loved one .

        • Mandy says:

          You brought up a good point there – “the dating sites, porn, and all that stuff again”…I completely forgot to mention that in my post too!!!!!! My boyfriend had opened up and showed me some of the porn he’s been into – and I’m no prude by any means – but this stuff was extreme. He participates in all these different ‘forums’ that are about BDSM and open relationships. But he tells me that with me, he doesn’t even think about that ‘stuff’, claims he has no desire to participate. Either way, that is how I know he is slipping back down into a hole…when he throws the fact that he is into BDSM and wants to have an open relationship – but that I am not/do not. Typically those things never come up in our everyday conversation, but when he is depressed, that ends up being the catalyst in our arguments.

          10 months is a major accomplishment for you both! 🙂 Hope for your sake it lasts…cause this depression has done nothing but bring heartache. Guess the best plan of action would be to figure out if you even want to deal with another episode or not.

          • Marikka says:

            Its funny about all that porn stuff ordinarily my partner is not into it at all. He never opened up about it I found it. He too also says when I’m around it doesn’t interest him. Still says he doesn’t know why he was watching it. I’m thinking obvious reasons ppl watch porn he swears he wasn’t feeling sexual at all quite the opposite so who knows. I don’t think I could do another crazy episode. I could support him if he let me but not when it gets crazy and I have to leave with kids. I’ve done it twice there wouldn’t be a third time and come back. He’s on meds now and says he wants to be on them forever. Something that I find interesting is I say to him he made a conscious choice to sign up to dating sites etc to me it was a choice considering this was a 2 nod time round. He says it wasn’t a conscious choice because he was depressed says I don’t understand. So I’ve agreed to leave that one. Anyone else heard partner blame depression for choices.

          • firefly says:

            I have heard my ex blame his depressive state for the reason he made bad choices. One example was that he went out and found a one night fling while married. He said he did it because he was in a bad place and his wife wasn’t being intimate with him. And the crazy part is that he truly stuck to the belief that it was OKAY that he did what he did because in his eyes if his wife was more attentive he wouldn’t have been pushed to do something like this. No no no! This is corrupt thinking. You cannot blame your bad choices on someone else. My point to him was the fact that he was disrespectful and had no boundaries. My point was that if he was unhappy with the wife and the marriage, you would do the right thing and end things or at the minimum talk it thru before acting on impulsive behavior. He got upset because he had brainwashed himself to believing his actions were justified. He blamed it on him being depressed. I agree to a certain extent that depression makes you think irrationally but I also believe he used it as an excuse to free himself from owning up to his mistakes.

      • MM says:

        This boyfriend of yours sounds so much like my ex I can’t not comment. There was a push and pull for two and a half years–however once the depression hit him, it really crumbled. Your relationship sounds like the start of mine with him years ago. . . once he even knocked on my door with all of these promises after a three week break when I left him for pulling away. However our connection was sooo good–one I had never had–I was sure it would eventually “win” his pushing away over. He even went to therapy at one time telling me he knew he had issues with emotions and we were worth the work. Four months later he quit, and the push pull started again. . . and this cycle went ON AND ON AND ON for two and a half years.

        Read this book: MEN WHO CANT LOVE. Seriously. Read it. If you find yourself highlighting each page–you are dealing perhaps with depression but also more than likely a man who is not emotionally available.

        You ask if you want him back? I know that feeling but honestly now I have seen the light–I don’t want to love someone who can’t love me back. You deserve someone who invests evenly in the relationship and someone you can express your emotions too without monitoring them so damn much.

        His depression only adds to his uncertaintity and inability to express emotions. Why would you want someone to return who did the things you wrote in that numbered list? (Trust me I have my own list and eventually thought “Why am I fighting to keep this?”

        Think about it. You want more. You deserve more. As my friend tells me, walk out but not to prove your worth to him, but to prove your worth to yourself.


  139. Lauren says:

    My boyfriend, well ex boyfriend now, broke up with my yesterday. He has been battling depression for the entire time we have been dating. His mother passed away shortly after we met and it has caused his depression to become quite severe. While we were together he started seeing a therapist and taking meds, that always had some side effect that negatively impacted our relationship. I never let that get to me though. I also have a mother who battles with bouts of depression so with him I didn’t feel any extra pressure dealing with his disease. He became distant in the past couple of weeks and instead of addressing it I decided to but on a smile and just hope that he could see my kindness. He of course could see it but still thought that breaking up was the best for me. That I deserved to be with someone who wanted to get out of the house, that could be happy. I do think I deserve that but I don’t see his depression as a reason why that can’t be him. I know there will be periods of time when it gets bad but is him suffering alone really going to make it any easier for him? I love him deeply, I see a future with him and wouldn’t be so confused or hurt if I could just understand more. I am looking for some advice, I apologize if this is a bit scrambled I can’t seem to get my thoughts together after it all happened.

    • peter says:

      Hi Lauren,

      I want to let you know that what your boyfreind done i too done to my ex. Just out of nowhere one night tought to myself my girlfreind would be better off without me but at that time i did not know i had depression.

      I dont want to get your hopes up or anything but it was not long after when broke down and went to my doc. and started meds my head then started comming together and i went to get my ex back but at that time it was gone to long and she didnt want to come back.
      Lauren one thing i know is he will come back i dont know when but i know he will.
      he just doesnt know whats happening to him at the moment and along with that you can probably see he has no emotion.

      I wish you all the best.

      • Des says:

        I’m really missing him right now. I miss his laugh, and his tenderness, and smile, and his voice telling me that he loves me. I miss having a good man in my life, and all of the things that went with that. I’ve had so many great things happen to me in the last week, and there are going to be so many things happening in the next few weeks. I’m excited about where my life is headed, but I’m sad because the person that I loved to share these things with isn’t available for me to talk to. I wish I were strong enough to just be his friend, to be able to watch a movie or play a game or hangout without feeling this tremendous sense of loss. I am hurt and I am lonely, but that’s not always going to be the case for me. It just sucks that even with the knowledge that I am going to be okay and that it isn’t always going to hurt like this, all I want is for us to be together again. I want for us to somehow find our way back to each other, to do the necessary work of rebuilding ourselves, and to give ourselves a fighting chance. I wish he wanted the same thing, and as petty as this sounds, I hope he knows that he’s a fucking idiot for letting me go. Peter, am I wrong to hope for a happily ever after to this story, a happily ever after that has us together again? Could he miss me and want me back, even in the midst of what he’s going through?

    • firefly says:

      Coming from Peter, I believe It’s possible for your ex to come back. How long and when? Well only your ex knows. If there was a strong foundation of love and respect, I believe he will emerge but only if he’s willing to do the work to getting better. This is where It’s up to him. And he needs to realize and WANT help. You can be kind as heck but all that will do is band aid the situation. It’s helpful but it takes more than just kindness from you for him to seek help professionally. Hopefully he does or at least does some work on his own. When he is able to see past his hurt and depression is when he will truly be able to accept your kindness for what it is. Right now he isn’t seeing past his pain and your kindness might be too much doesn’t him to handle. It causes him to feel guilty that he can’t muster up the strength to healing. It might make him feel pitied, which nobody likes. Although we all can feel your anguish and concern, someone lost
      in depression might not see it the same way. Keep being kind but with boundaries as well. I know how it feel to give and feel rejected. So make sure to read when too much is too much from either perspectives.
      Hang in there.

      • Margie says:

        I feel great comfort in reading your posts back to me and others today Peter and firefly. I agree–he may come back. He may not. You dont know. He probably doesnt know. Depression really is a monster and kills relationships. Now after three months without him to the “t”, I feel the same things you do. I miss him deeply especially when I need him. Ie: my father in the hospital. I feel empty. I think its hard when you are so invested in another person and their well being and then they just vanish and drop the relationship. I’ve gone through a range of emotions including feeling very foolish and dedicated to a person not dedicated to me…even though I know it’s the depression, it’s often hard to separate when you are on the other end of it. . You will go through a range of emotions probably as I did–and others–worry, anger, bitterness, loneliness, loving responses, more worry, anger again–it’s vicious.
        The point is he has to come back and honestly some articles say the person is changed for good. The same man and person may not return after this..or he may not return at all. It seems depression is dictating your relationship and that sucks. The bottom line is to move on with YOUR life. When the air masks drop from an airplane, you put yours on first. I know how you feel–the worry, missing, confusion, etc. But now looking back, I wish I had not contacted him. I wish I had only taken care of myself but I believed in him and us….I wanted him well and I worried to death. And now, he seems to be gaining some clarity but I’ve been so alone the past three months that I honestly doubt I can trust him again. The longer he is gone, the more we distance ourselves and quite frankly the less appealing it all becomes to me to have this in my life. The past few weeks I have actually found myself very angry. I want a partner who can stand by me–thick and thin. I want someone who communicates with me during this time rather than verbally tearing me down like I am some punching bag at his disposal. I dont want that from a partner–depressed or not. Perhaps that isnt fair to the depressed party but I have been more than understanding, dedicated to his well being, etc and eventually everyone has a breaking point. I’ve reached mine; I actually have become depressed myself and am so miserable I can barely function at times during an already tough time/experience I am having. I get angry because I think I am standing by you during your worst, and you cant just HOLD ON? It’s so hard to let go–finally. It certainly has tested my will and strength and I have failed at times–but I am not so sure if I pick myself up, shake this off and go solo in life that I will be so open with the revolving door this disease seems to think it has. This broke my heart and I feel so unloved, insecure, uncertain, etc. Trust me, I know those feelings you are having–and the missing him…it really stinks. I realize it was the depression but I am not sure he would be willing to do the work to earn my trust back. I guess in due time I will make a decision if ever presented with that but each day it grows less likely to happen. Once I start healing why in the hell would I endure this possibility of being abandoned again? Love him–yes but this nearly took me down. That I cant allow. As times passes and the more I feel this way, the more I grow accustomed to him NOT being in my life daily, the more it all feels like sand just slipping out of my hand…I am ready to dump the rest of the sand out, dust my hands off, and start over–without looking back. So sad. What a shame. We had a wonderful relationship and I loved him very much. Hang in there. Just know it’s NOT you…it’s not you, it’s not you. Remind yourself.

    • Fred Mounts says:


      I was where your ex boyfriend is now, but I didn’t know that I was sick. I thought my emotional roller coaster was how life was for everyone – I grew up with an undiagnosed and help-resistent mother.

      I felt dead inside, and couldn’t see the future at all. I turned to another woman because her attention made me feel something, anything. I broke up with my fiancée for the other woman, and did everything I could to push my ex-fiancée away. Nothing she could have said would have gotten through to me. The only thing that may have helped is if she had asked me to go to therapy with her; if I had thought it was for her, I would have went, and then it could have focused on me. Without being tricked, I was too sick to admit to needing help.

      I snapped out of things about 6 months later, but by that point my ex-fiancée was four months into a new relationship. It’s now 11 years later. I’m in a happy, healthy relationship with someone else. My ex-fiancée married the guy she was with after me. I’m on medication and in therapy. I’m still haunted by my behavior and what I feel was my weakness. I did the best I could at the time, but that wasn’t good enough. If your boyfriend is the same, it may be impossible for him to picture the future at all, either with you in it or not. At least he has actively been seeking help. That has to be a good sign.

    • Jessica says:

      Hi lauren,
      im going through the same thing right now, and i noticed that its been almost a month since you guys broke up. i just wanted to ask you how things are going? are you still broken up? has he been contacting you? I completely cut off communication with my ex and have had no text, no call, NOTHING for over two weeks now. I just dont know what to expect in the near future.

  140. Not again?? says:

    Oh the bad mood. My boyfriend madly in love with me first 2 years. Then worse mood for 2 mths didn’t speak to me just dagger looks. Everything I say is wrong or twisted I say red he sayes blue. Out every night in the pub and if I dare criticise him for it!! I have to completely ignore him be scilent and then he’s in a only partial empty mood! Then it moves too I don’t know if I love u??? I can’t connect with u anymore. Tells me all my bad points and asks me why blame him for falling out of me!!! Unbelieve to the point it’s funny. Then he get soooooo jealous still that part of his brain still works if anything heighten. He left me for a month to live with his mum and as soon as I started working in a bar next day straight bk again together never work there again!!!! Only 3 mths later went Mexico and he came bk more in love than ever and soooooooo sorry . Ah it’s terrible it took 2 years to trust him again. 5 years of happiness and then he fell out with hi family stopped talking for 2mths completely wouldn’t hear one word, and then said falling out of love with me so sad. Empty slept on his mates couch for 4 mths! But refuses to break up I must not get with anyone else he’s trying to make his descion but can’t!.

  141. Des says:

    I am so grateful to have found this website. My boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with me two weeks ago while we were at a couples counseling session trying to work on our communication issues.We have been having issues, but I never thought that he would think that we shouldn’t be together. From the beginning of our relationship, intimacy (both physical and emotional) was problematic for him because of his history. He was sexually assaulted when he was 17, grew up in a household with a depressed mother who was neglectful of the house (constantly dirty and unsanitary), and his relationship with his father is nonexistent due to past neglect and abuse (and a kidnapping) on his part. Even though we would have sex, he never really initiated it and had a hard time with libido. He said my touch made him feel safe, but that he didn’t have a high sex drive. This was tough for me to deal with, but I did my best to respect his feelings and to not make him feel uncomfortable. He says he’s dealt with depression symptoms for as long as he could remember, but he still told me that he loved me and that he saw a future with me. He said that the thing that he feels determines how he feels about someone is how much time he spends with them, and we practically spent every moment together, to the point where he became one of my best friends. In addition to this, he’s written me love letters, made himself available to me whenever I was feeling depressed, and always kept me in the loop (at least I thought) about what he was feeling. For the past couple of weeks though, we’ve been distant because he made it sound like he didn’t know how to feel love for someone else and that he’s been trying for the past couple of months, but he can’t feel it. We went to a counselor (who we both see separately) together in order to try to work on our communication issues. When we get there and the counselor asks us questions, my (now ex) boyfriend says that he doesn’t think he can devote himself to a relationship because he doesn’t feel fulfilled in who he is. I broke down in tears because I thought we were there to try and solve our problems together, not because he wasn’t sure he even loved me in the first place. The ride home was terrible and filled with a lot of tears on both of our parts. He said that he loves me and that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but I told him I would need some time before I could do that. We met the following week to have coffee and we ended up talking for an hour. When I asked him why he broke up with me, he said that he needs to be alone right now and that he can’t devote himself to someone else. He’s still living with his mom at the moment, and since she is still dealing with her depression, he’s also trying to help her. I didn’t really bring up any other emotional issues, but I was struck by how peaceful he looked at that moment (he’s told me before though that he is good at putting on a happy face). He told me that he qualifies for health insurance at his new job (which also includes therapy), but it may be a while before he seeks out that help. I’ve texted him a couple of times this weekend, telling him that I love him and that I hope that he is happy and that he deserves joy. I haven’t heard anything from him, and that hurts. I understand why he felt that he couldn’t be with me, but it doesn’t make me love him less and not want him back in my life. I just wish he would let me in.

    • Lauren says:

      My boyfriend (now ex) has done the same thing to me. Said he can’t be with me because of his depression, that he just wants to be alone but that he loves me and I am the most important person in his life. I’m struggling with the idea of staying in his life because I don’t see where there could be a grey area of us just being friends. My question to you, Des, is what did you find to be the best method of coping? Did it help sending those text messages or should I go no contact. I’ve read several break up articles on how you should not speak to them for 2 weeks, one month.. etc. but I feel like when dealing with someone with depression this can’t be the case. Your advice would mean a lot to me especially when I am in such a dark place and having trouble finding any friends or family who understand.

      • Des says:

        Hi Lauren,

        I’m so sorry this happened to you. I tried to just be his friend a few weeks after we broke up, and it was hell on my emotions. Even though it was clear he still cared about me, I just couldn’t stop thinking about what I had lost and I became emotional a lot with him around. If you are struggling with the idea of staying in his life, that’s your inner voice telling you to look out for you first. Even though you’re worried for him (just like I’m worried for my ex), you still need to come first. I’m giving myself a month of no contact; I’m going to try to reach out to him on his birthday. Give yourself enough time to heal and then see what happens. I’m still learning day by day how to cope with this, so I hope my advice gives you some comfort.

        • Margie says:

          HI Lauren,

          I much like Des tried to stay in touch. My boyfriend of two years dumped me in April –I knew he was going through depression and was “supporting” him the best I could. I went from his confidant to NOTHING in a matter of one day–just zap–he had to do it alone and was gone.

          I tried weeks of no contact, and then would contact him with a text, or a call. However due to my emotions, as Des related to, it was never a good thing. He would either lash out at me and anything I said or he would feel pressure, etc even if I wasn’t saying anything other than I cared. I am sure, due to the type of man he once was, that this was in part his guilt–his inability to be in this relationship and my “touching base, checking in” was a reminder of it. . . especially when he saw how heartbroken I was.

          Now, he seems better. The last time I talked to him he said he was holding onto us, and trying to see things with new glasses. He said he missed me…a far cry from the man who yelled ” I WANT TO BE ALONE” at me six weeks ago, but now I am exhausted..and I think depressed too…I feel myself getting bitter, angry, etc. even though I know he didn’t mean to hurt us and me–it’s all too painful.

          A normal breakup is hard enough–add the confusion of depression into the mix ie: worrying about him, is it us or the depression, does he really want me to leave him alone and not care or is it a cry for help, etc. are all even harder complications of breakups that happen as a result of depression or with a depressed partner. Oh, the worry, worry, worry for the person –the same person who changed, abandoned the relationship, etc…it is painful.

          At this point, I am giving up. I wont contact him again. Three months of trying has lead me to feeling like shit myself.

          I encourage you to take care of yourself first. I wish I had.


          • firefly says:

            Same here. Tried reaching out but it made things worse. He ended the relationship and was in a bad place with himself with his pending divorce. It was like he wanted me to disappear and I felt like I was the cause of his negative state. I tried to be more supportive but it seemed to backfire. He became more irritated. I believe it was because it was a reminder that he needed help and he wasn’t ready to try to make things happen for himself.

            I stopped trying because it was hurtful when I was coming from a genuine place and he thought otherwise. I stopped reaching out because I began to hurt more myself and there wasn’t any results. It was difficult because I still was concerned but realized I was going down with his ship too. I didn’t text him or act the way I normally would while together…. supportive, loving, etc. I just existed. I didn’t let my emotions show on the surface even tho it was there inside.

            I began to notice small changes in him. He began to be more positive and reached out. He was slowly returning to the man I fell for years ago. It’s still a little shaky because I feel distrustful of him after being hurt. And he hasn’t mentioned getting back together so I feel I need to be careful. I don’t want to set myself up for hurt again. I’m trying to let him let me in but It’s hard when you don’t know where things stand. Fortunately while we weren’t communicating I made it a point to work on myself. I looked at how he could be feeling and what part I may have had in everything. One thing that set off an alarm was my kindness. I realized that even tho you are kind it doesn’t mean that the receiver will take it as so. The only thing for me to do is to be true to myself and not let it get me down.

            If you find yourself giving so much and never seeing a glimpse in return it is a red flag and you should look at what else could be going on outside your own mind.

  142. marie says:

    I have been with my partner for 18 months. After 6 months he suddenly ended the relationship out of the blue, stating he was depressed an couldn’t cope with the long distance between us. This devastated me and my 3 children us his own. He was and can be the most chArming and loving man. Kind thoughtful etc.
    I continued to text when I had the strength and send cards an item in the mail. During this time he did some very self destructive things. After 9 weeks he contacted me stated he was going to the doctor and followed through. He wanted to resume the relationship and was open about what he did during those weeks. Our relationship began again and we tried to move forward. We were making plans to move to the same place and proposed just before Christmas. Things were great, he got a new job then 2 promotions. He begAn working longer and longer hours and began to hate his job. He was always tired and hard to engage in what was going on. He had side effects from the medication, always had a headache and tired. He grew very grumpy. Our weekends were determined by his moods. When he was good he is fantastic and makes me so very happy. When he’s down it can be minefield.
    Now exactly a year on almost to the same week he has left again. The kids are in even more turmoil. I am coping better this time. I knew he would relapse and was prepared but I don’t think he was able to accept that he couldn’t cope with the stress once again. I told him I would stand by him once again, he said this was the only thing that got him through the last time.
    he claims things are fuzzy and he can’t feel anything again, yet a few weeks ago he was asking us to speed up our timetable to move. We were making plans for holidays etc. I’m not sure whether to wait this out again. He is on meds and has been to the doctor again this week but his meds haven’t been increased. I am so worried him as he always cuts complete contact which is so hard. He finally responded after a week and managed a phone call. He is shutdown again. Knowing this is the same cycle as last time is there hope? June has some trigger anniversaries for him plus fathers day. He has always said no one has ever stuck by him. I’d hate to prove this to be true again but he make it so hard.

    I am fully aware of how hard things can and will be, I think I a more realistic than him about expectations. He seems to feel a failure and hold so much shame about his life choices that it holds him back in fear.

    I do love this man so unsure whether to keep holding on.

  143. BBD says:

    I am a university student who was sadly born to parents with very strong cases of depression. I have always known this so i have always understood that i have a problem. I choose not to medicate my depression however, as i believe that it will not cure it – simply mask it. My view is that depression can be cured, you just simply need to know how to handle it. Anyway:

    Me and my partner have been together for three years and we are incredibly devoted to each other. She is the most incredible girl i know, who would do anything for anyone and has time for any person. However, my depression flared up VERY badly a few months ago and it has taken a beating on our relationship.

    I would call her names, blame her for my problems, constantly complain about why the world is horrible, loose my motivation and sleep all day. Simply be a completely bad person.

    Once this hit home with me (she broke down over the phone) i have realised how terribly i treated her. This has caused me to address my problems and sort the things i did wrong. But i cant help but feel like she has lost faith in me.

    We took a break, as i thought it would help but i only lasted 3/4 days without pleading her to talk to me again. It opened my eyes and i can see how much i love and need her in my life. She brings me so much joy and happiness.

    However, i cant help but feel things have changed. She explained how she has some doubts about our relationship and she needs time to see that i am getting better. What did i do? I took her straight to the cinema and a few days later we had a family bbq. Perfection.

    But these doubts have stalled my depression efforts. It has made me incredibly paranoid and worried that “She doesnt love me anymore” “Ive ruined us” etc.

    So i start becoming my old self again, as i get so scared. I start telling her how i think we should break up all the time due to me making her unhappy.

    We are only young – she is 18 and i am 21. I cant help but feel like i am holding her back, but in reality we only make our lives that much better.

    I need some advice into how i can show this girl that she can trust me in getting better and that i have a disease – which makes life a little harder for me.

    I would really like to marry this girl one day, the pain i cause has to stop today.

    Thank you for reading, i would snap my spine to bend over backwards to make things work. I just need faith and trust to fuel my engine.

  144. Sandie says:

    I give up. I just…give up. John, I have visited your website, purchased your book, read your newsletters. I have even passed on all of it to my husband and his therapist. My husband’s comment after reading the introduction of your book: ‘It seems to be all about how it’s affecting her (your wife). She must have problems. Why don’t they talk about what she does to trigger him?’ I was shocked enough not to even comment.
    It has been 5 years since his diagnosis of depression, and still he does not want to talk about it. He says he doesn’t have much time left and he doesn’t want to waste it talking. It is all about him.
    So, I give up. He is such a smart person, and had been a kind and loving person. Now, he just wants what HE wants and does not care about anyone else, except to be angry at me for not wanting what HE wants all the time. There is discussion, there is no thought of working on things or working it out.
    I feel I have to stay because he is a heart attack patient; but, for the life of me I don’t know how to conjure up any loving feelings anymore. I. Just. Give. Up.

    • firefly says:

      I feel your frustration. It’s very difficult to be in your shoes and I’m positive it’s even worse to be in his shoes. I understand when you say that basically nothing is getting thru to him and it’s all about HIM. At this point it’s pretty much useless to talk him into thinking otherwise. And even IF he does feel remorse about the way he’s behaving towards you, the focus in his mind is about himself and that’s the only thing he can ruminate about. Until hes able to deal with the inner issues he has, he won’t be able to move forward in working on your relationship together as a team. I know this because this is what I’ve been facing for a few months now. They have to face the music like someone said to me. But Sometimes the fear of even thinking about it is overwhelming for them. So just like you, I give up. I have tried many times but it’s like talking to the wall. So I’ve made a decision to stop enabling his behavior and told him that I’m not going to let him treat me this way regardless if he is depressed. I told him if he wants to be happy it’s up to him to change and make effort in dealing with his guilt and shame but I cannot take this hot and cold mood swings anymore. I sincerely suggested that he seek professional help and walked away.
      Of course he was outraged because he said I was being selfish and only was thinking of myself. I told him NO. He was so drowned in his sorrow that he can’t see what he’s doing and that I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. I walked off and sure as heck the next day he’s all sweet and cordial and a glimpse of the man I once knew was there. But I don’t trust him anymore or rather his mood swings because once I respond kindly, he fixes to lash out at me and the cycle begins all over again and it’s all about HIM and his pity party.
      So I understand your feelings. And I understand you feel like giving up. For me it’s a bit easier to walk away and support him from afar since we aren’t married. So Maybe you might have a greater desire to stick next to his side. But he has to make the effort and WANT to change. You can’t change him. And YOU shouldn’t have to change for HIM just to appease his sensitive ego. It doesn’t always work and sometimes just makes them think they can keep acting the way they do.
      Good luck with your situation. I hope you guys have a breakthrough soon as I can attest to hoe draining this whole thing can be. On a good note, I think it’s good there’s a counselor involved although I’m not sure what the counselor meant about John’s book. I always thought a counselor should be neutral?

      • firefly says:

        OK. I just reread your post and realize it was your HUSBAND who made the comment about John’s book. Now THAT makes a whole lotta sense now. Of course he would feel that way. HE doesn’t want to admit that HE has a problem.

  145. Robert says:

    Dear Friends,

    I just wanted to drop a note to express the sheer relief I got from reading all your kind words and all your experiences, however painful they have been. THANK YOU.

    I too was dumped by a someone who suffered from depression. I searched the internet for answers, “How could someone I was so close to and shared so much just turn there back and walk away”? I have grieved for months always trying to explain our “connection” and how special we were.

    I sought professional help, decided not to contact my EX no matter how painful and trusted in my treatment and that GOD would reveal all when it was time.

    This is my conclusion. I love my EX but I love me more. I fell victim to a disease (depression) that offers very little explanation for it’s effects on those who have it and those who suffer its effects. It’s not my EX’s “fault” for having the disease. I have a choice to keep my EX and the behavior that comes with depression in my life (I have chosen to walk away). I feel good that my “NON-ACTION” in the matter of reconnecting with my EX was the right thing for us both and look forward to a simpler life in the future.

    I would have never known any of this prior to reading all your stories and seeing that I am not alone, this is not something that happened just to me. Our experiences all match at some level and we are all hurting very much.

    Best of luck in the future to all of you. I wish US well.

  146. Carrie Crow says:

    Hi there everyone. I just found this website in a struggle for something, anything which might point me in the right direction.
    I have been seeing my bf for a number of months, we both suffer from depression and are both receiving treatment. His depression is worse than mine at the moment, I suppose his is more constant whereas mine flares up and then eases off. He has been separated for two years and has a close relationship with his family, he has children and he is very involved in their lives and see’s his ex wife on a constant basis.
    When we met he told me all this straight away, I couldnt believe how open and honest he was. He told me about his depression and other stuff that happened in his past. I accepted everything and appreciated his openness. However, I couldn’t talk so easily about my past, some of which I’m deeply ashamed of. Recently he asked me about my previous partners and as I have always been honest with him whenever he asked a direct question, I told him the truth, a truth that is the worst thing about me. The thing I hate myself most for. And now he cant get over it. He has slept with a lot less people than me because he was married for over a decade. And I used to use sex as a tool to make myself feel better. That was a long time ago tho, I’m a different person now. But now I’ve told him and he says he’ll never be able to feel close to me again. For that reason he says it’s over, but we’ve also become best friends in the time that we’ve known eachother and so we are still talking to eachother, going over & over & over it. I’ve told him everything at this stage, how the other sexual encounters were just a means of getting some form of affection, that they meant nothing, that I love him and that he is the only one I want now and for the rest of my life.
    There are a no. of issues at play – I didn’t tell him until now, when he told me all his personal stuff up front without my asking. He is very insecure so now he feels like he’s just one in a stream of guys and feels like he’s not good enough to be with me or anyone else. And of course, I’m not the person he thought i was. He has lost all respect for me – and really I don’t blame him, back then I didn’t respect myself, the men in question didn’t respect me and I now I realise that I couldnt expect to sail thru life without having this come back to bite me in the ass.
    We were so happy until he asked this question and now I think i shouldve lied – he says I should have. He says I must have known it would come up at some stage and if it was before we were in love then neither of us would be in this pain we’re in now.
    I’m wondering if this is just a depressive episode and if it’ll pass and he’ll realise he can accept me and that I’m still the same woman he fell in love with. Or if not, what can I do to make him see that i love him more than any woman has ever loved any man. He saved me from a prison of loneliness and despair and the time with him has gone a long way to healing my pain. Now I’ve broken both our hearts, he feels like he can never be with anyone else again cos he’s not good enough. And im struggling grasping for anything i can do to show him how much i love him. My words just aren’t getting through to him. If anyone has any suggestions please reply. I need help, we both do, I don’t want to lose him. Thank you.

  147. Celia says:

    My husband has been going through a depression with very high anxiety for about a year now. Starting back last August, he began frequently seeking me out to talk with me about how he felt. He said that this was what a marriage was for and that he couldn’t imagine being married to someone that he couldn’t share his pain and his anxieties with. So we began having these conversations, first just a few a week for an hour or so, but slowly growing longer and more frequent. He would tell me how terrible he feels, and then I would try to provide some way to reframe things that would help him, and then he would either accept what I said and move on to another way in which he feels terrible or he would reject it and explain to me why my idea wouldn’t work. Sometimes we do have good conversations that genuinely help, but more often not. Now these conversations will last for hours and we will have 1-2 a day. I will find myself spending 6-8 hours a day listening to him talk about how miserable he is (no, I am not exagerrating, and it frequently starts at 4:00 in the morning). I can’t take it any more, I find myself flying into fits of rage, begging him to stop, to go to work or go to the hospital or take a nap or do anything but PLEASE to stop talking to me. His therapist and his doctor have both also told him that this is “reassurance seeking” and that he needs to stop because it is reinforcing his anxiety and keeping him from getting better. His doctor offered to admit him to the hospital to keep me from getting burnt out. He tells me that he can’t stop and I just can’t believe it–surely he could at least allow me to leave the house so that he couldn’t seek me out! But every time I try to stop a conversation, he starts in with “how can you leave me like this, can’t you see how much worse I am, I can’t believe that you could just walk out on me when I’m in a state like this.” I am coming close to a breakdown myself and I am trapped in my own home (we are both self-employed). We have been married almost 17 years and have three children. I don’t know how to stop this downward cycle–any suggestions? Otherwise, just some support would make a huge difference. I am with you all in your difficulties.

    • Anon says:

      Dear ceila – you have just described my situation! I think most people assume that men don’t like to talk about things and that this then causes them to become depressed. I’m in a simular situation to you in that my partner constantly talks about how he feels and his problems, so much so that I feel constantly drained listening to it, the only escape I get is sleep. He is currently off work for 3 months with a very bad bout of it so we are both at home (I am a stay at home mum, we have a two year old). I have insisted that I carry on with my normal routine with my daughter so that I’m not trapped in with him and his dark thoughts. I can completely relate to how you are feeling. You must stand up to your husband and tell him you can not allow him to take you both down, especially as you have children to consider. My partners therapist told us that we must organise specific times to talk about our problems, almost like a meeting, so that we do not spend ours on end talking about them. I am also making my partner sleep in the spare room a couple of nights a week so that I can go to bed early and just read a book and have some quiet time away from him – this really helps. I have explained to him that the constant talking is starting to feel like a type of torture! I have also made him read this website so that he understands that while I understand the depression is causing his behaviour it doesn’t excuse him from any blame on what it’s doing to me and that also if it carries on it will have a lasting affect on our relationship because I’m not a robot or a saint! I wish u all the best in your struggle, the main thing to do is insist on your on space and time to yourself.

      • Celia says:

        Thank you for your response. It is nice to know that I’m not alone, though I’m also sorry that you are in this too! Things have changed a bit since I posted, mostly because I got to the point where I simply couldn’t stand it any more and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he needed me to be with him or talking with him in order to feel safe, then he needed to be in the hospital and that I would be happy to take him there. I really mean it, and he knows that I mean it, and this has forced him to stop (mostly). I feel for you because I think it’s worse when they aren’t working–my husband is self-employed and work is slow right now. It’s really hard for him to find anything to do other than talk to me. But whenever I feel as though he’s starting to slip, I just leave the house. It upsets him, but (despite all his fears) he hasn’t had a break down yet because I’ve been gone.
        I hope that things get better for both of us soon!

  148. firefly says:

    I fumbled on this site after having a blow out with the man I love. A little history. ..met him when he was unhappy in his 10 year marriage. He was my professor. We hit it off and have
    been seeing each other for 3 years. The wife filed for divorce a year ago after he put off telling her about his unhappiness and about me. After she found out initially she kicked him out. He was a wreck but even more so now that the court date is in a few weeks.
    He says he loves me and cares about me. But the next day its like a different man. He says stuff like he feels guilty for carrying on our relationship and that he shoukd have done things properly. He says he feels guilty bc he thinks his kids won’t accept me and he doesn’t know if he can bring me into their lives bc theyll see me as the reason for the divorce. He says he feels guilty bc his friends will blame him for the divorce. He says he feels guilty that he can’t be there for me 100 percent. He keeps saying guilty and I’m so sick of it. All the hurtful words don’t help and yet he still says he loves me.
    The tabkes seem turned now. I used to be the insecure one. And one time a few months back he tokd me it was bc I had no faith and confidence in US. Well I told him the same thing the other day….
    He seems to be so distraught and uncaring as to the words he chooses to use with me. As tho I can just take them and forget. He’s stressed about his new single life ahead and all the responsibilities he will have. He stresses about the the divorce and what people will think. He says he’s unhappy with himself and therefore he is unhappy with me. I get that he’s scared but its sooooo hard to talk positive with him bc he allows him self to stay in the hole. I try to be supportive but he views me as being selfish and only caring about myself, which isn’t the truth! Its like he’s so depressed that he cannot see the good in anything and anyone…even ME.
    I tokd him I can’t change the way he feels and only HE can help himself out of this self loathing and fear. Today he blasted our chances for a future. I told him he was just scared to ACTUALLY be happy with me and that he is setting us up for failure without even giving us a fair chance.
    I was at a lost of words bc it was like talking to a wall. No love. No care. Just self pity and guilt and negative.
    He harped about me not giving him space and time to sort things out. I DO!!!! But he doesn’t seem to see it. He acts as if when I ask him to talk that I’m stealing away his freedom. But yet he can put off important obligations to go out with his friends. I’m the ONLY person he talks about his divorce and fears with. So it hurts to be shunned away like this.
    He says that he needs to clean up his life and get things sorted and be happy with himself. I agree! But it feels awful when he projects his inability to carry out those things bc of ME when REALLY its his own doing and procrastination.
    It hurts the most for me that he’s so depressed and EYE seem to be the target for his rut he feels he’s in….hurts so much.
    I don’t know what to do anymore bc anything and everything I say is only viewed as insincere and selfish. I told him I care about him as a person ans want him to be happy and confident in himself. But as with everything. …he had a negative response. He said I hope you meant that. As if I didn’t??? I told him he doesn’t have trust in me anymore. He said he doesn’t think I’m getting HIS point.
    I don’t think he has a REAL point except that he’s feeling depressed and sorry for himself.
    What am I to do????

    • kiwi says:

      Hi firefly, I understand what you are going through. I think your b/f’s life in last few months has become too complicated and its ok to be confused. But it seems as if he was not transparent about his relationship with you to his family and friends and hence the guilt is normal. This is his moment of facing the music. So you can’t do much. Its hard to be calm. But, I suggest be patient. Try not to initiate these talk with him. Do not advise him to do the right thing. Or else he may feel that you are pushing your agenda. I think, he realizes that his guilt is his own to bare. Let him solve his problem himself. By getting involved in this you are directly coming in the line of fire. Be with him, show you care but with a cup of coffee or a meal. Also, he might need a shrink to seek some clarity. There are some risks involved by getting into a relationship with a married individual. But clearly, he was not happy in his marriage or else he would’nt have been with you. Do not loose hope but try to concentrate on other areas of your life. Its critical for you to strike a balance in your life too.
      Good Luck! 🙂

      • firefly says:

        Thanks for your response!
        You are pretty spot on with what I was feeling and what I was thinking. We are at a point where I feel I am walking on thin ice with my bf. All his guilt and shame has gotten the best of him. I know I haven’t been of better help by wanting him to be more assertive in getting his life together. I have never told him to get his butt in gear because I felt it might be too much added pressure. So I trusted he would be fine on his own accord. Months later I see that he was procrastinating prob from fear of the unknown as well as not dealing with his guilt.
        For now I have been keeping my distance and just texting short GM to see how he’s doing. He responds but I can tell its reluctantly. As tho he’s afraid he will lose focus or maybe he’s still upset that I told him that he’s feeling sorry for himself last week. I know that was insensitive but its kinda the truth and I was at a point where I couldn’t take being the target of his rant.
        I will slowly taper off even texting him unless he contacts me. Because although I do care how he’s doing it also hurts that he is being stone.
        His court date for divorce is coming up in a month. I will do as you suggest and stay out of the line of fire.
        I do miss him. I miss seeing a smile on his face and feel a bit awful that he sees me as a potential enemy at the time he needs support the most.

        • Brent says:

          firefly try to understand that it is the depression that makes him see you as an enemy…or so he says. The guilt one feels with depression is insane. If he is like me, my depression forced me away only to protect my partner not to hurt them. You express blame but inside it is shame. Does this make sense ? The depressed truly feels they are hurting everyone and it is the last thing we want to do.

          • firefly says:

            I understand. He uses the word shame to describe himself. He sometimes says he feels ashamed of himself and what others will think of him for the decisions he has made.
            I understand he may feel like he is trying to protect me but he really is only making things feel worse. I guess its frustrating to see him not deal with his battles face on and instead see him hiding from them. This kinda makes it difficult for anything to flourish when he is a roller coaster of mixed emotions. He doesn’t want help. Sometimes I think he feels inferior when its offered. But its only because people care.
            I can see how he is struggling and I know that it is something he needs to work on himself while I silently stand by his side with compassion. I try to reassure him and let him know that he’s not alone. I don’t want to give up on him just yet. I wouldn’t want him to give up So we shall see

  149. May says:

    In my case am the one who is suffering depression but the sad thing is that noone seem to understand what am going thru even though i have a very loving family. Moreso i am yet to get treatment bcos at d moment am out of job so am unable to raise d cost of treatment d psychotherapist asked me to bring.
    As at November 2012 i ws stil in a relationship with a man who has bn very wonderful in caring for me, i can say i culd nt have gotten someone who culd be as understanding and supportive as he is. My depression affected me so much that as much as i desire to give him all my love, i get easily irritated, cry alot, experience sleeplessness, anger alot as well. We were already planning our wedding. Until i got angered late november and got physical with him,told him i dont want him again in my life. He was shocked, later when i calmed down i felt so ashamed and pained bcos he has been so understanding, i never bliv my condition culd get to this state. I begged him, but he doesnt seem interested again after the incident. Now i feel so worthless and helpless having lost such a caring, loving man. I dont know what to do bcos i love him so much

    • kiwi says:

      Hi May,

      I understand what you have gone through. But the damage has already been done. At this point, I think you should try not to panic about loosing him. Give yourself some time to recover fully. Even if he takes you back in his life and gives both of you another chance, you might again cause him hurt by getting back into depression after a while. Hang in there and let the heat cool off. If he really loves you, he may come back someday.

      Good Luck

      • Sarah84 says:

        Kiwi what is your connection with depression? I think a lot of advice you’ve given on here is off the mark and incorrect.

        • Anne says:

          You have to deal with your depression first before you try to deal with your relationship. From my expererience, you won’t be happy with anything or anyone until you are happy with yourself. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is very important to take care of yourself first. I understand you love him and want him back in your life, but it will continue on the same path if left untreated. Please talk to a doctor and find out what they can do for you in your area.

          • firefly says:

            I agree totally that you need to be happy with yourself first. Not just people with depression….EVERYONE

        • kiwi says:

          Hi Sarah, at this point in my life, I am trying to move on even though someone gave up on me who suffers with depression. In her reasoning, depression is not the reason why she wants a break. More things that came out from nowhere left me in shock. Shattered and devastated. I think, people who are in a relationship with depression patients have a life of their own to live and care about too. I have seen normal and healthy people spoiling there lives over people who are in a state of depression and that includes me. No matter how much you blame depression, one has to claim responsibility of their actions when they are in it. And “Yes” it is definitely infectious. They need time off- thats fine, they want to explore other love options-thats fine, they feel they don’t need us- thats fine too.
          But they should not expect us to be taking them back after they put us through all this and much more. Instead, should concentrate on their own lives and leave us alone if we have somehow managed to moved on. Real love is not always about acquiring but to be selfless…..

  150. Mino says:

    Cant take this pain much longer… My partner left end of Nov 2012… We have been together almost 8 years, with a break of a year in the middle. The last 30 months have been very painful. After getting back together ( weeks later) I noticed, he was withdrawing emotionally…. At first I thought nothing of it, thinking, stress, ect… Months go by I keep asking “whats going on” He brushes it off, and does not want to even talk about it… I let it go for a few weeks, getting less and less affection.. i bring it up, he now is getting angry, cussing, and running from me just to “NOT have a conversation… A year goes by… My anzeity is on High… daily… trying to figure out what is wrong… guessing… imagining… going literally crazy! I write emails trying to comunicate… he is now completely shut down… He literally lived with me but ignoring me most of the time escaping to tv every night… Hardly speaking, Lovemaking felt like I was treated as the stranger, I felt he didnt even want to kiss me anymore…I ask many times , ” do you want to leave? Should we break up, because I feel you are not happy here anymore… he kept saying, he know he loves me, but its buried in his heart, and he FEELS dead, and FEELS no love… I tell him Ok, if you want to work on this go to a therapist… he goes for 3 months and quits… During this time his anger got out of control… during my wanting to talk… he ending up cussing at me… calling me really bad names…I say you need to go on medication… He goes back to a med doctor, who precribes him zoloft… I thing the dosage was to much… 150 ml… He then was getting even worse… zombie state… During a small dissagreement, he tells me he want to leave… He feels guilty, cannot look me in the eyes saying he knows how much he is hurting me… He is moving out to be a recluse and hopefully “fix himself…. He moved out weeks before Christmas…We do work together, I see him daily, he walks by me says hi, and keeps going… He is hiding behind his desk most days, looks Flat, sad, or indifferent most of the time… I feel my heart is broken in thousands of pieces.. I am Still in total disbelief… The man I loved so much.. just walked away… without even looking back… I know he is depressed… I know the medication made it worse… i cry daily, lost 10 pounds, and I feel I just sit here waiting, waiting for him to show up at the door… I do know he is sitting in his new apartment, wallowing in his deprression, escaping to tv, playstation and sleeping… he has cut himself off from most people…. I feel so helpless, I want to help him, but he will not accept it… I feel I am dying a slow death here

    • Mino says:

      During the meds ( 2-3 months his anger goes away… He becomes very mellow, which was a good thing… but he emtionally becomes completely dead…..

    • kerry says:

      Reading your post made me write for the fist time on this forum. If only you knew how much what you have gone through is reflected in the relationship with my husband and myself. My husband left in July for what I thought was a trial separation. I really had no idea how much depression was affecting him, but over the next few months I did everything I could to learn more about the disease and how it affects people. It made me have a better appreciation of why things happened the way they did. Don’t think for a second that having a more nuanced view of how depression affects relationships has caused anything in my marriage to improve. My husband will not come home, and distance is making his heart grow fungus- not fonder. I miss him with every cell in my being, and the fact he won’t come home is heartbreaking. I keep telling myself that I just have to ride this out (it’s been almost 6 months since he left) but it’s getting harder and harder to do. I saw him for 5 minutes over Christmas and noticed that he no longer wears his wedding ring. We separated, he’s moving on, and here I am left hanging, mostly because I do not want to let him go. Completely helpless I tell ya! Going to therapy, reading self help books, trying to exercise, pretending not to take this personally, reading and learning about depression…….have not produced the results I want- that my husband returns to me. Wish I had answers for ya….just haven’t figured it out yet. But I hear ya sista…I’m kinda in the same boat. I’m actually trying really hard not to fall victim to depression myself. Tough times.

      • Sarah says:


        Your post was very difficult for me to read because I could have written the same story about myself and my husband–except that I was the depressed one who left. Some of the advice I have you won’t like, but hopefully it will be somewhat helpful.

        The ‘thing’ about depression is that it makes you believe you are unhappy with the situation you are in–your job, where you live, or the relationship you are in. It’s hard to understand why this happens, but the best way to explain it as I experienced it is that your spouse is supposed to be the one in the world who can make you feel happy and fulfilled, despite everything else in your life. And if you’re a victim of serious depression, you suddenly find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled for “no reason” (i.e. depression, which doesn’t always have a triggering event–it can happen spontaneously). Your default reaction is to think it must be your spouse’s fault–they’re the person who is supposed to understand you, to fix everything, and make it all better, and when they can’t, they’re at fault for the unhappiness.

        The depressed person then urgently tries to fix the thing that is making them feel sad–they might leave work, feel the sudden urge to go on vacation or move, or in our cases, the depressed person flees the relationship. You actually believe it is your spouse who is causing you to be sick, and your reaction is to get away as soon as possible. You even feel deep resentment for that person. I suspect this is how your husband feels, and for absolutely NO reason other than depression is wreaking havoc in his head. It impairs your ability to think clearly, to manage emotions, to think critically. (Which is why they say not to make any big decisions when you’re severely depressed.) Although your husband might sound coherent, a person’s judgment in a depressed head is severely impaired.

        I know how you feel, which is exactly how my husband felt when I left him. As much as you try to understand the nuances of depression, it doesn’t produce the result you want, which to have your spouse back as they were before. But it’s going to take a lot of time and patience. It could take months or longer (1 1/2 years in my case) to fully recover from depression–and often it’s never a matter of “recovering” but being in remission and learning to manage the lifelong illness. There is very little you can do to knock him out of it, and even if he wakes up tomorrow and realizes how bad his illness is and commits to fixing it, it will take some time and serious effort on his part to fix it.

        For practical purposes, you can’t treat him like a rational person for the time being. You have to think of him as the victim of something very serious. It’s hard to believe that depression can cause the kind of behavior he is exhibiting, but it absolutely does. The depressed person doesn’t “see” what they’re doing, they don’t see what they’re doing is wrong, and they don’t see what they’re doing can cause real permanent damage.

        In my case, my husband did not realize how sick I was (neither did I) and he got tired of waiting for me to come back. And I don’t blame him because I was truly awful. And now of course, I regret everything and know that I lost the best person I’ve ever met. I’m sure in time, your husband will feel the same way. My honest advice would be to suggest legal separation or divorce to him (not that you actually want to go through with it), but that sometimes the depressed person doesn’t realize how bad things are until they see what they’re losing.

        In the meantime, there’s not much you can do except absolutely don’t take it personally, remember that he is a victim of a serious illness and it’s not his fault, or yours.

        If you are wiling to be patient and give him the space he needs to figure things out, in time (and it might take a LOT of time), things will work out.

    • Beenthere says:

      The story you just described is me exactly. This is exactly what happened to me but I am the other partner. I am the depressed one and you story is precisely what happened to me. The anger the guilt..everything is the same. I now am deeply depressed as I have lost the woman I love so much but couldn’t see the things I was doing wrong.

      • Beenthere says:

        You are all welcome to ask me questions as to “why” a person does such things and I will try my best to answer them. Maybe one of you can tell me how to expain to my ex what I have done in a way the she may understand that it was not in my control. I love her so much but hurt her so much at the same time…unknowingly. Please help.

        • K says:

          Hi Beenthere, can you give us some more background on your story please? Did you live with your ex and how did you push her away? Thank you.

          • Beenthere says:

            Four years ago I met the love of my life. She was starting a new teaching job in a new city, after a exiting a terrible relationship. We were both from the same small town and knew of each other but that was about it. I had a small crush on her back then, that was about it. 20 years later we met up on facebook. Anyway, we both moved to the new city together along with her 12 year old daughter. I sold my home and was in the process of selling my business in order to move on together and get married. Due to her past relationship she had insecurity issues which drove me up a wall. So when we first met we opened up to each other completely for the first time in my life I felt that I had no walls around me. One of the first things I told her when we met is that I mostly stayed home alot of the times as I was so sick of drama….at the time I was 41 she was 33. I told her that I used to smoke pot almost every night. Not realizing at the time that I was self medicating for what I now know as depression.
            Sorry if this all seems muttled as I am currently severely depressed and it is very hard for me to concentrate on one thought at a time.
            Many events took place between us, starting our new life together started by her one day announcing that she was pregnant. I had an anxiety or panic attack instead of being happy. We only discussed having a child once or twice up to that point. Then the complications started…turns out she had endometriosis and had a miscarriage. I was blameed a few times for infidelity type actions which were totaly untrue. As time together went on I slowly found myself withdrawing from her. I worked the long hours, sex became distant, I became distant. She knew it and told me so. My irritablily and anger came from no where…to me it was unexplainable. The smallest thing would make me mad. We no longer kissed each good morning or good night. She tried so hard to make me happy again by doing little loving things. None of it mattered I just shut down more and more.
            Finally two springs ago, after not working all winter but trying to make a go of it by trading stocks….which I failed at….I told her one day out of the blue that I felt dead inside. I had not made any real friends in the new city in two years. I had told her once that if she ever blamed me for cheating on her ever again that I would leave…well she did.
            I finally told her I couldn’t take any of it any more and I was leaving. She asked for us to go to councelling but I said if we need it now what is going to happen later……I know …so stupid of me. So we split up…a month later she contacted me and asked if we could work things out I of course said yes. The long and short of it is we tried a long disatance relationship …which she always told me she hated… every time I was there I was irritable.
            Finally last March I again said that was it and that I was never coming back again. I spent the summer totaly involved in my business working 18 to 19 hour days and on 3 occasions I worked around the clock. My mind was totally consumed. As it is a seasonal business once September came and it slowed down. I looked on facebook to see that she had moved on with another person in April and it killed me. Since that time I have gone off the deep end. I started slipping into full on depression, I’ve had panic attacks, anxiety. I came to realize that I caused so much pain in our relationship, the guilt was starting to eat away at me. So the more distant I became the more unloved she felt and the more unloved she felt the more she blamed me. Does that make sense.

            I know none of this what I wrote probably made any sense…I am so messed up right now.
            I’ll try post again and be more specific. This is so hard for me to write right now.

          • Beenthere says:

            I basically withdrew from everything. I just thought I was tired from work, but now after reading these posts I think it was much more than that. I threw a lot of blame for things her way that may not have been all her fault. She often would tell me that I was sucking all the energy out of her, and how apathetic I was. Evening were spent basically watching TV. We would try to have a family night, but it often turned out with someone being ticked off by the end. At first me and her daughter got along great but then she turned 13 and we started butting heads. We would often spend many days not speaking to each other. I thought I was just trying to teach her responsibilities but she thought different. I should say that once we got together I quit smoking pot. I felt I no longer needed it once I had found her.

          • K says:

            You wrote your story very eloquently Beenthere and I am so sorry to hear of the pain you have gone through and are currently experiencing.

            Have you thought about writing a letter to your former partner, explaining how the depression made you say and do things that were out of your control?

            I’m sure that it would also be nice for her to know that you are receiving medical treatment for your severe depression and are no longer self-medicating, as hopefully this is the case…?

            The Depression Fallout message board forum has a section that ‘contains informative posts from members who are depression sufferers and their personal experiences with their own battles with depression’. I’m sure if you posted there it would be of help to other sufferers and ‘fallout’ partners. There are many people desperate to know why their depressed loved ones are pushing them away and I’m sure your input would be very welcome and beneficial.

            Sincere best wishes, K

          • Beenthere says:

            Thank you K for your kind words. I wish I could write her, she doesn’t even know that it was depression that caused it all. The last communication we had, she had moved on and told me that there was just too much destruction in our relationship. I would do anything to have her back, unfortunately it’s never going to be again. The fact of that has now put me even deeper into a clinical state of depression and anxiety. I wrote several emails in the mean time to the point where I completely pushed her away. Now I just want to send this one last em