I’ve often described the way depression can break up close relationships, but does the illness explain everything? How responsible are depressed partners for the human cost that others pay because of what they do when they’re ill?
One reader told me I’d confused her about this. First, I talked about depression taking over someone, as it had done to her husband. The angry stranger he became was the opposite of the man she had married. He became remote, blamed her for everything and left for a time.
Depression can do that. If it’s treated effectively and goes away, however, it might be possible for the old, familiar person to return and the couple to get close to each other again.
It seemed to her that I was putting all the blame on depression, as if the couple had been hurt by flying debris in a tornado and then could heal their wounds after the storm had passed.
Thinking about her partner’s leaving and coming back made more sense to her when explained as the impact of a destructive illness. It wasn’t really him acting in those terrible ways but an inner monster that was driving his behavior and twisting his thoughts. To some extent, that’s true, and I have often described it that way.
But I’ve also talked about the responsibility of recovering partners to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. They were the ones who acted abusively, had affairs, left home without a word, then returned and apologized, then left again – or did other things just as destructive to their families.
When I talked about depressed partners in that way, she thought I couldn’t empathize with her returning husband. He was back, full of remorse and trying with her to restore the relationship. It sounded to her like I was blaming him, after all, rather than his depression.
I know it’s confusing, but this isn’t an either/or choice. Depression causes the changes in behavior, even personality, but depressed partners still need to own up to the damage and pain their actions have brought about. I believe that is an important part of recovery.
It’s such a complicated and sensitive thing to talk about – especially when answering a question from someone who is trying so hard right now to understand what happened.
Though I’ve written about this before, I doubt I’ve ever hit the right balance in describing the way I see it. And, of course, the way I see it only comes out of my experience and won’t necessarily match what others are going through.
Depressed partners can’t simply put the blame on their illness, assure their partners that all the hurtful behavior wasn’t aimed at them and expect that everything will get back to the way it used to be.
I know that doesn’t work because I used to think that way. After a long spell of sullen withdrawal, feeling like my wife was to blame, wanting to get away, I’d snap out of it and be responsive and loving again. I’d feel deeply remorseful but explain what had happened with words like these:
You have to understand that it wasn’t about you. It was all about depression and what was going on inside me.
That was sincere but didn’t help much. Both of us wanted to believe that I was back, and that we could pick up where we had left off. However, things weren’t really the same at all.
Before long, I’d get depressed again, then come out of it, offer the same explanation and feel the same remorse. My wife couldn’t accept that explanation after the first couple of episodes.
She’d tell me:
How can you say it wasn’t personal? You did this to me not to a shadow in your head. How am I supposed to trust you now? I never know who you’ll be from one day to the next.
Saying it was all depression wouldn’t cut it. I had to accept the reality that I had done deeply hurtful things to her. I had to own up to what I had done, get help and work with her to restore trust.
I also had to face her anger. That wasn’t easy for her to express, and it sure wasn’t easy for me to hear. With the help of a therapist, she could get it all out, and I could sit there and take it without trying to fight her off or get angry in return.
What I had done really sank in then. For the next day or two I felt a deep grief. My eyes were clouded with tears much of that time. That’s when I fully grasped the emotional impact on my wife and kids and could see in bright sunlight how much I had put at risk.
After that, I could never again rely on the idea that depression alone had done the harm. It did its work through me and my behavior. I had to learn how to live with the illness and limit the damage I might do to my family while under its influence.
Worrying about what the cause was, who or what is to blame, isn’t going to help much. What happened is done and can’t be undone. Yes, depression will change behavior in drastic ways, but treating it successfully doesn’t bring a relationship back to what it had been.
I put it this way in another post about broken relationships:
… the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
It’s a great thing when a relationship can adapt to the impact of depression and survive. Many don’t, especially when the illness keeps coming back. There’s a lot anger, hurt and broken trust to deal with, and treating the illness of one person won’t do it for you.
That’s been my experience. Has it turned out differently for you?
Two months ago the severe depression I’d had for 3 years totally evaporated. That can happen. I still feel a kind of malaise and definitely anxiety. I don’t think you could be that depressed for 3 years and not have psychological residue. But much more manageable without the deep darkness alongside. Now I am trying to resurrect the relationship with my sister. We are starting by emailing, without judgment and each with the conviction we must be ourselves instead of hiding behind who we think the other wants. It is disconcerting, almost like having been in a coma. I feel I have to learn all over again how to do everything — from grocery shopping to being present in a relationship. When I went to Walmart last week, I just stopped and sat for a while to absorb the feeling of not being depressed. Now I want to figure out how to loosen up a little. And not be in that Super-Structured mind where I had to be so careful about organizing my day, staying distracted, getting the necessary stuff done. I want to drop the mask and just relax for a while.
What do you do if your partner doesn’t want the help? What if his depression is taking away his ability to rationalise?
My husband and I have been together 16 years, since I was 15. We recently lost his mother in horrible circumstances- ever since then he has been in a terrible state. I finally got him to see a doctor and get treatment which was going well and after a few months things were largely back to “normal”. Due to some side effects he has had to change his medication and is now back working away from home. In the 3 weeks he has been gone, he has stopped taking his tablets, drinking more, not calling me or the kids which is unheard of. And then this morning I have received a text telling me he wants to end our relationship. Over a text.
I don’t know if I should push- or leave him alone and accept the separation.
As I read John’s post this morning about depression in relationships, something new occurred to me. In my relationships with my ex, and with my family of origin, and now with friends, when I am in the throes of depression it is like a third person enters the room. I can see how my ex might have felt, although not been able to voice, that this was a kind of infidelity. I certainly did not see it that way at the time. But I can see it in ALL my relationships now. Especially as I have grown more depressed over the last two years with insecurity over physical health due to pandemic realities, now anxiety about whether my money can stretch as far as it needs to, and isolation that has intensified (somewhat due to both of these issues). And I think this is also just one of those deep dips in the ongoing cycling of my moods between average and super depressed.
Partly due to my own current fragile sense of self and the need to feel safe-at-all-costs, I have cut everyone out of my life en masse. I have labeled them toxic, narcissistic, boring, patronizing, whatever, to justify the slash-and-burn. But I can definitely see in every single relationship how depression became the (usually unnamed) other person in the room. Because depression distracted me, used up all my energy, left me more easily irritated, led me to withdraw from ordinary interaction. Sometimes I acknowledged it: “I am too depressed. I am overwhelmed by mental illness. I need time to get myself together. I don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything with you, but it is this thing inside me.”
I’m not saying I could just dismiss depression and be my old self again. Or say to it, “Excuse me, but I’m trying to have a relationship here. Could you wait back at the house and I will talk to you later?” And it must have seemed like great selfishness and a betrayal to give myself over, in a sense, to this intense affair with the unseen. And not like I was choosing a better partner. Definitely not. A far worse partner in most cases. How sad.
I am not justifying the truly toxic behavior they showed toward me at times — that is their own demon. And again, it is a sad business that I did not choose or enter into willingly. But now all I can do is live with this duality of grief and self-preservation. When I chose estrangement from them, even from my sister, it WAS an act of self-preservation. Not choosing to be sealed into a casket with depression and bury myself, but at times there is nothing of me left for interaction with others. Honestly, I keep trying. I do the things I know to do. And I know social interaction is supposed to be a major part of maintenance and recovery. But sometimes I feel like I need a group of similarly afflicted and affected people to socialize with. I remain interested in others and their experiences, their lives. It isn’t that. But there is too much of a schism between understanding depression because you are living in it, and not being able to understand, often not being willing to listen.
When I invest in a relationship it has to be two ways. Reciprocal. And when depression is there in the room it prohibits that kind of relationship from both directions. From me to the other person, and from them back to me.
These comments are so similar to my situation. It’s both comforting and makes me feel worse. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both in our mid 20s. We were so happy and never really fought about anything. We’ve been talking about getting married and having kids since just a few months into our relationship. Around 6 months ago he started working midnights and they’ve been hell on him. I also have been working 2 jobs to make up for the time I was laid off due to lockdown. I also changed career paths and started school in August. He doesn’t see daylight much and the winter hasn’t helped. He told me he was feeling depressed and I told him we would get through it together and he seemed grateful for the support. I suggested he get help but he never did. He’s been slowly pulling away from everyone in his life including me. His mom and step dad are also officially divorced and he’s not sure where he’ll be living in the next year after they sell the house. We’ve been talking about moving in together for more than a year but this housing market makes it really difficult. In addition, the 16th anniversary of his father’s death just passed and the day before someone committed suicide at his job while on the shift. He texted me asking for space one night when I would usually come over after work and it was difficult (we get so little time together as it is) but I gave it. The next day he texted me saying he felt like a coward and a piece of shit and he didn’t want to leave me but he felt it was best for both of us because I’ve been putting more effort into our relationship than he has because he’s so depressed and has no energy. He said he also feels like he can’t even take care of himself so he doesn’t think he wants kids or marriage anymore. We agreed to give it a week and meet at his house to talk about it and he apologized for texting me the way he did and admitted he was wrong for doing so. We ultimately agreed to stay together and work on it. We kissed and hugged and said we love each other but he said he still needed space that day so I went home feeling anxious but hopeful. 3 days later he texted me again saying he felt like he was making the wrong choice for both of us by staying together and it was tearing him apart but he felt he was making the right decision by breaking up with me because he doesn’t feel the same about us. We’ve had limited contact since then with me insisting we do everything we can to work on it because I know its his depression making him do this. He finally suggested we take a break so he can still have his space without breaking up completely but when I started to ask about the parameters of this break he left me on read. He’s been doing that lately and he said he’s just trying to take the time he needs to respond with how he really feels. Waiting is torture. I’m trying so hard to keep it together and I’ve now scheduled therapy for myself to help cope. My dad and brother both have depression so I know what it can do to the mind and that it cycles away and back. I just want to know there’s hope that the real him will come back to me.
Hi AG,
four months passed since you posted here, did anything change in your situation since then?
K.
Hi all, I am so happy I found this blog as I feel I’m reading pieces of my own story in yours. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I was aware he dealt with “funks” as we called them, now knowing it is depression. We dealt with a depressive episode at the begging of our relationship which I was worried we would not even make it past that, but we did. It lasted about a week. Fast forward 3 years later there has not been any as serious until this past weekend. It’s been 3 days. My boyfriend was acting weird and I confronted him, he then told me he couldn’t do this he’s in a funk and needs space. We met in person later where he seemed not even like himself. He was so cold and not himself. He stated he feels like he’s in another universe he feels like he’s suffocating and not happy, that nothing is making him happy and he needs to get help and can only do it by himself. He stated he has been feeling this way a few weeks. His religion does a fast once a year (no meat, dairy, alcohol, sex) it ends on Easter and had just started. I could tell he was acting a little off but attributed it to this. He then told me this started before this and was hoping the fast for him back on track but it didn’t. I begged to stay to help me. He had just been telling me how much he loved me. We had planned our whole future together. He insisted he had to do this alone by himself and he was telling his family and friends he also needs space and can’t be expected to do a lot as this was his focus. He said he needed to get help. He kept telling me he still loved me and Is in love with me but that’s not enough right now. I don’t get why I can’t be here to help him? I asked after he felt better and got help if we’d be back together he said he can’t answer that because he can’t see anything in the future right now he’s focused on the right now. I am so crushed. He is my best friend, my life partner, my better half. I am so worried and praying for him daily but want to respect his space as I know if I keep reaching out I’m not allowing him the time to miss me and will only make the matter worse. I spoke to a friend who told me he also told them he just needs to be alone…what do I do? Is there hope? I am at a loss..any help with be greatly appreciated. I know often depression speaks and not the person. Xoxo thanks in advance everyone
I’m so so sorry, T.
I have no words of wisdom, I am going through a similar thing myself (but my relationship was not as long as yours). Your person’s words are almost the exact same as my ex-partner. I know how difficult it can feel when you have so much love and support to give, yet they don’t have the capacity to receive it at the moment.
All I know is, we need to make sure we are supported and taken care of during this time. You can try to reach out and extend support, but ultimately it is up to him to reciprocate and let you in (or not). While I know it feels like treading water, make sure you feed yourself, surround yourself with loved ones, and remind yourself of your worth.
Here if you need support, I’ll be thinking of you.
So much pain in these posts. I was severely depressed both when I first met my husband and throughout the 13 years of our marriage. Except for the first year after we married. I think having someone around made things easier. Just knowing he was there next to me when I woke up at night was a comfort. We never spoke about my depression, even though it now seems obvious to me that it was right there in bed with us, in the car with us, at work with us, and that it affected my ability to be affectionate and “present” in the relationship.
Yes, and I see his own bouts of repressed anger and attempts to control every area of my life affected our relationship. Yet we didn’t talk about that, either. It became a twofold toxic synergy — the marriage deteriorated to the point where we were each better off alone than combined. I didn’t have the energy to grieve during the marriage. It took all I had to get through the work and home lives (they did seem like two separate lives) day after day, year after year. It was a poisonous soup we were living in and consuming and it was killing us both inside.
I blamed my depression on his actions, even though I had been depressed for years before we met. He blamed his anger and urge to control and manipulate on my shortcomings. Neither of us was willing to bring it all out in the open. Now, that’s the first thing I would insist on doing. But both parties have to be engaged in the process.
My partner has depression–most of his family has it. Two siblings committed suicide, and a third has tried. His answer to me asking me why he refuses to get help? “You can leave if you don’t like it.” Well guess what? I knew that already. This gets to the whole question of who is doing the heavy emotional lifting in this relationship. I am, and I know that. So I would have to uproot myself because he’s too lazy and cheap to get help (he refuses to get insurance, BTW)?
I have come to realize it’s not worth my energy to fight with a grown ass adult about refusing to find and get treatment. So, I just live my life. I give it to God–every single time. Was hard to learn to do that. I can’t make him get help; I can’t control his decisions nor his lack of making decisions, because he prevaricates A LOT. When he’s not in the throes of a bout, he’s an awesome partner. When he is controlled by depression, he’s an asshole. I do my own thing, stopped worrying about his problems, and stay calm. His fall back of “leave if you don’t like” is so immature. If I leave, he loses everything because I am the breadwinner. I’m not that cold hearted–yet. But believe me, I also have a back up escape plan. I am only responsible for me; his actions are not mine to take on. As the song goes, “It’s not my cross to bear.”
Now there’s an interesting question I’m trying to work out.
Hi,
My bf and I had been dating for 3 years. We’re in our mid 30’s. A really good relationship, never faught. There may have been tiny tiffs here and there but they were SO small, we maturely talked about it and moved on. We were each other’s person. We had each other’s back, full of love and talked about our future. Last year when the pandemic hit, he lost his job. I was living in my apt and was scared to even go outside. I stayed isolated for like 2.5 months. He randomly broke up with me- called me hysterically (I never heard him this way) it was hard to understand where this was all coming from. But he emotionally crashed and felt maybe abandoned by me.. I assured him everything was ok, he said I “talked him off the edge” and he apologized a lot for putting me through that. That break up didn’t even last until the end of the phone call. I went to his house the next day (also he had a roommate which was why I didn’t bunker down with him, they both didn’t take that much precaution during that time with the pandemic).
Fast forward.. we’re good. He gets a job. Everything is fine. I’m over his house like 3 days a week, I eventually move in 6 months later, in Nov. He wanted me to (he always has) and I wanted to too. Living together was easy. Decemember, I noticed he seemed like he had a lot on his mind. He then finally tells me that there’s a good chance he will lose his job in Jan/Feb of 2021. But he was filling out job applications non stop to be prepared. I also noticed a couple of times him getting irritated over little things that I did. Like only 2 or 3 things, but they were so minor and I just figured, he’s dealing with a bit on his plate and I didn’t take it personally. Xmas comes along.. I plan to visit my family. I had to go back to my apartment (that I still owned) and isolate there for over a week before I see my family. After like 10 days, I’m just too nervous to see my family, and I didn’t want to take the chance. Plus he told me one of his coworkers had covid- so I was really hesitant. So I canceled my plans to see my family. Oh, and before I went to isolate at home, just as I’m headed out his door he tells me that it’s good that I’m going to be away with family because he plans on quitting cigs and pot, and he knows he’ll probably be really irritable and didn’t want his negativeness affect me. So I was surprised that he tells me this at the last min, but I supported that, and said ok. So anyway, when I canceled my plans to see my family– I tell him, and I say “well at least this means I get to come back to you!” and he said that he still needed to work on himself quitting and with his withdrawals. He said he was very moody and mad all the time. So I said ok. Now we’re into January. It’s been over two weeks that he has quit and around the time I would have been coming back from my family. He says he still needs time. Then another week goes by. The say before my bday apparently I walked right passed him on the street. He texts me later saying “I could have sworn I saw you on ___ street” and I said yeah, I was there! And asked why he didn’t say anything. He said that he could have sworn that I looked directly at him and gave him a dirty look- which left him stunned and he didn’t know what to do. And he was convinced that I was coming from his apartment and he thought that he was going to come home to a note that said “Go F*** yourself!!” I told him I would never do that. And he just seemed so confused over the phone and kept saying he couldn’t believe I didnt see him (apparently, we walked like 4 feet of each other). Anyway- the next day is my birthday. He sends me a nice but basic bday text (yes, he said he loves me in it). Oh and also, during the last month since I had last seen him, I’ve been reaching out to him first the majority of the time. Anyway- at this point, it’s been over 30 days since I had seen my bf. I’m always reaching out asking how he’s doing- LITERALLY every text back was him saying he’s angry, miserable, depressed, stressed, anxiety, sad, bitter. This I figured was the result of withdrawal and him about to lose his job (oh and he failed at quitting cigs just a couple weeks in but still stayed away from pot which he smoked a few times a day). So it gets to the point where I just want to see him, and finally he says yes and he said lets plan sleepover for the following week. I get there. I knocked, I then let myself in with my set of keys. He’s in the bedroom.. tv is on. I got mad immediately. “You don’t even get up to greet me?” and he says he was just letting me get settled. So I say ok, and ease off. But then I’m thinking- what is going on, for a guy that always says how much he loves me, loves my company, always misses me if a couple of days go by.. who is this guy that needed 30 plus days alone?!! So I blurt out- “Are we dating??” And he says “Let’s just open your xmas and bday presents first” and I’m shocked that he didn’t answer. So I could care less about presents but I say ok. I open them. I thank him. I make a point of how great they are. Then I ask again…oh and I forgot to mention- during the tale end of Dec and January, he has worked EVERY single day- odd hours and like 12-15 hours a day. The day I finally came over was his first day off since xmas eve. So when I asked for the second time, are we dating- he was like “I just want to turn my mind off..it’s my one day” and I said I understood that but I also hadn’t seen him for a month and was considerate of his needs during that time. So then he starts crying a little.. he says he’s written applications to 100s of places, hasn’t heard back, he may lose his apartment (this I found out just after xmas when we spoke on the phone, which was something he heard just before I left which explained why he seemed so consumed in thoughts). And like maybe 4 years ago or so, before I met him, he went through a deep depression when he lost his job (a job he enjoyed) and had to work little jobs here and there just to stay afloat). He said it was the worst time in his life. He isolated himself, was angry and all that. So he saw this “dark cloud” hanging over us.. was scared this was going to happen again. We talked about having kids and starting a family this year- and he kept saying “how can we do that if I can’t even support myself?” So I tried to give advice.. tried to stay positive that we’d be ok and he’ll find a job but he just wouldn’t accept that. Finally, I just let it go- I can see that he was just physically and mentally drained and we made love, watched a movie, spent the night. The next day- I approached the issues a little.. same conversation and concerns. He basically said- if I was your dad, I would tell you to move on.. have a chance with someone who can give you a family with support and be happy. I just didn’t know how to respond to all that. And I packed some of my clothes and brought it home with me. I def left his apartment irritated and mad. He saw that.
During that week- we texted sweetly to each other- he still felt lost and with no hope with work but he said he’ll try whatever he can to “find a remedy to this solution.” At the end of the week I basically was like, why can’t I be back living with you… and he just basically went back to him being in this dark place, scared he’s not going to come out of it ever, suggests I find happiness with someone else..etc When I don’t respond- the next day he texts that he can’t believe I didn’t respond and I said I just need to digest everything he was saying and that I’m accepting the hard truth- that it’s over. And he’s like why do you think I’m breaking up with you when I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness for yours…blah blah.. and I’m just left so confused! But with more texts- he just continues to say that of course loves me, he knows I’m his person, he can’t see himself with anybody else… but he doesn’t want to keep me from happiness, that I should find someone else. ***At this point, I’m thinking, he just wants out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who broke us up. But now I’m thinking he’s being truthful? I don’t know.*** Anyway, a week goes by, I ask to come over to pick up some stuff. He asked to reschedule cuz he’s not ready to face the reality of it all but understands if I need to and will respect that. Well, I needed to get more of my clothes. So I did go over. I go there- I was in and out in like 15 mins. I was polite, said how are you, smiled. But I didn’t touch him at all. While I was there- two times he said “This is so weird” and his face was bright red like he was trying not to break down. I nodded and said yeah.
Two weeks go by, I need to grab more stuff.. I come in.. first things he says to me is how weird it was when he last saw me– that he was the first time that we never touched. And I agreed, and I said “I don’t know how to do this (break up)” and he said him too. We had a good conversation- I didn’t talk about the break up. Just asked how finding work was going (not well) and if he was moving (not sure). Apparently his family knows we broke up- he said his mother said that he needs to take care of himself. He said he loves me. Will always love me. That we’re not enemies (I was thrown off by that comment). I made a point to ask if he wanted a hug- and he hugged me for so long and soooooo tight. And I left. That was a week ago. We haven’t texted since. He said I can come over whenever to grab more stuff. I’m thinking I’ll do it sunday.
Anyway- that’s my story. After reading so much- I believe our love is real but he’s going through a deep depression and he said the last time he went through this, it lasted years. I’m giving him his space. Obviously, I love him, he’s my best friend. Him in pain, pains me. But I don’t want to push him away, so I’m keeping my distance. However, the trust is broken. If he was to come back to me.. how would I know this wouldn’t happen again? And then I’ll be older and miss having a chance to have my own family. Something that he says he doesn’t want me to miss. And he said he wants to be a father more than anything and this hurts him too. I guess I’m not really searching for advice because I believe giving him space is important.. but more so wanting to hear from other’s in my shoes- how did your relationship turn out- are you in my boyfriend’s shoes? Did you break up with someone while dealing with depression/anxiety.
Dear you.
I lost my partner through almost 20 years not unlike this, five years ago.
I ended it, beacus he was bad for me. And for our dauther ( she was 15 at the time).
I believe what we had was true love, no doubt.
He was on and of “a little blue” over the years, but he NEVER dared to use a shrink or anything like that, even though he needed it badly, so he just got worse and worse. And then the depression evolved in to bipolar disorder 2 ( It is typical that an untreated depression becomes a bp2), And his manic, Jeckyll/Hyde change, is something that I dont wish on my worse enemy.
He didnt hit us, but if we would have stayed any longer, he would. I am sure of it. No doubt.
You say you dont want any advince, so I wont give you any. <3
He is out of our lifes, and we are glad, and sad, for it.
He loved us, but he loved the denial more.
If he ever choose to do the rigth thing, and get help, we will be rigth there with him. But he is not himself anymore. Hes like an addict; We cant have him in our life before he "sober up".
I see my younger self in some of you, the need to be kind, patient and respect him The love of your life.
I myself found out that I needed to get away from this extremely unhealthy situation. Not beacuse he was sick, I would have LOVED to help him, and to be there for him.
But because I couldnt help anyone that didnt wanted to heal, and at the same time didnt mind hurt me and his own daugther. Because being sick is one thing, choosing to heart your partner/children is NEVER ok.
Hugs from Mary Margaret in Norway. <3
Thank you for sharing Margaret, I’m in a similar situation but without a child. The “cycle” of pain is unbearable and devastating to see the one you love decline & turn into a cold stranger. Sending strength & love everyone going through this x R from the UK
My boyfriend has been depressed and had been withdrawing from me, then he broke up out of the blue when he had gotten annoyed with me, saying he didn’t see a future with me and that he wanted to be on his own. I had tried so hard to love him and weather the storms. Is this his depression or how he really feels?
I had the exact thing happen the other day, we talked about it and he said he just feels nothing and unsure of all aspects in his life including the relationship.
He described it as a gray, dull empty feeling that makes him want to be in bed all day.
I think it must be the depression talking and only allowing him to feel that as any a future seems hopeless.
Do you see any path for working on your relationship or not really?
Stay strong
How have things been for either of you? I am going through this now. His best friend committed suicide last month. He’s also starting his big time career next month so a lot on his plate. But he wouldn’t open up about anything? Just got annoyed with me and instead of ending it with words or a talk, threatened to block me and did.
Hi Kat,
Your situation is similar to mine, my partner of 4 years has just started a new job which he hates & in turn has completely shut down from me & said everything on his life demands too much from him so we should break up just so coldly. We even had a conversation the night before about how happy we are etc etc and now this has happened less than 24 hours later it’s so confusing!
How is your situation now? Has your partner reached out? How do you handle it when he shuts down because I feel like I’m handling it terribly, really letting my emotions get the better of me regretfully. Hope you are ok x
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago because he admitted that he is suffering from depression. We dated for 5 months, we lost a baby because we decided to do an abortion because we weren’t financially ready (i’m guilty in doing so but we had to do it, it is very hard for me) and been officially together for 3 months, we were happy. Then 2 mos ago we had some relationship problems, i found out that he lied to me twice and the third time i overreacted because of his ex. I used to snoop on his laptop and phone to see if he was telling the truth I got paranoid since I found out that he was lying to me. After our third fight, i feel like his hiding things from me, so I kept asking if we’re okay and asking if he’s telling the truth. During the last months same time with our fights, he is also struggling with his company and found out a huge debt that he needs to pay during this pandemic. I see how stressful it was for him and I can see him struggling. And he is taking care of the company problem alone. I also noticed him being cold to me and I feel like I’m not being valued. He told me he’s sorry and he’s saying that I didn’t sign up for how broken he is. His ex is his business partner and she affected him a lot personally. He was always being neglected and used to solve all the problems alone. He had personal issues, like questioning his self-worth. He told me that he has suicidal thoughts because he cannot handle the pressure, and admitting to me that he is suffering from depression thinks it’s demoralising. He looked for a help to resolve his personal issues, he said that he wants to find a good therapists to help him get better and overcome this. He broke up with me days before his therapy starts, I wasn’t really paying attention about his depression, because I myself don’t know how to deal with it but keep telling him that I’m always here for him. I kept asking if we’re okay because I didn’t understand why is he being cold etc, he said that we need to break up so we can work on ourselves and him saying that I should work on gaining back my confidence to not overthink again. He said that he’s not happy right now and he can feel that it’s affecting me. I told him that I don’t want to break up, but he said it’ll be for the best. He said has a lot of problems right now and I’m adding more pressure to it. He told me he’s pushing everyone away.
I’m still having a hard time understanding why he broke up with me, having hard time understanding what he’s going through right now.
I so want to be with him right now but he doesn’t want me to. He told me that once he’s ready he’ll reach out again and see what will happen.
What do I do? Do I move on? Or do I wait until he gets better? I really love him and I can feel that he loves me too. I want to check up on him from time to time. Should I do that?
Hi Cev,
I’m going through a similar situation and having a really hard time. Did you ever decide what to do? To be there for him or leave him alone?
Hi S,
I decided to move on since his words and actions doesn’t match. He was playing like a victim all the time. I tried to understand him but how can I help him if he is not helping himself.
I got affected a lot since I love him, until now actually. I’m still having hard time.
I need to move on, since I know I have a better future ahead of me and I deserve better. He wanted to be friends atleast, but I said I don’t think I can cos I can still remember all the memories and pain. And I felt like I was a back up plan.
Thank you for answering.
I’m sorry that it happened like that. I think you are right and you have a better future out there waiting. But I understand your pain. I feel so stuck and lost. I don’t know how to let go.
I hope you find so much better in the future. No one deserves to hurt like this.
Rarely ever does a depressives words and actions align. Its just one of many results of the confusion and fog that envelopes them as a result of the depressive episode they are experiencing. A break up is believe it or not, just as hard, maybe even harder for the Dumper than the Dumper as the Depressive deep down would like nothing more than to be with the person they do truly care about and live a life free from the ongoing storm they find themselves in. Think of it like this… For the Depressive it is comparable to having somewhat of an Outer Body experience, their true loving, caring, connected selves are looking down at themselves as their depressive side pushes away the people whom matter to them most all whilst the loving, caring, connected one self looks on helplessly unable to intervene. The agony and hurt of not being able to control one side of yourself sometimes (especially during the lowest lows and emotional or stressful periods), you cant help but have some sympathy but to what extent is entirely down to you and how much understanding, patience and justification you can give to the behaviour. I’ve come to realise and learn this through my own experience in my relationship.
Correction: A break up is believe it or not, just as hard, maybe even harder for the Dumper than the **Dumpee**
So nice to hear more about your story. So he wants to be friends? :-/ like I said to “mine”: Friends dont treat friends like that. I am sooo glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. Again Hug from Norway from Mary Margaret.
I feel all of this.
My boyfriend of four years broke up with me four days ago. Says I am a horrible person and that I have always been. We just signed a new lease and I asked why he did that if I am such a horrible bitch. No answer. Blamed me for things that happened two years ago. Took advantage of my family, has been lying to mutual friends. It’s like he is a totally different person. Can’t wait to get out there and sex up the Town. He told lies about what my parents said to him and is spreading all sorts of lies about me.
It’s like he became a whole other person. I don’t even know who he is right now. I don’t know how to process all of this.
Kate,
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t say I’ve been through the exact same, but my fiancé of 5 years entered another depressive episode (worst than any I’ve ever) convinced himself he doesn’t love me, and then cheated on me with a colleague. He’s starting to come out of the other side now and is mortified at what he has done, however during the time I found out about the cheating he convinced himself that I wasn’t making him happy anymore. Now he is still depressed, although knows the affair was wrong, but now fears whether he has fallen out of love with me or whether it was the depression. Meanwhile he has fallen out of love with work and hobbies, and just wants to sleep all the time. It’s like my old fiancé has died and I’m left with a shell. Do I stay with him, and hope it’s the depression and that he was realise he’s in love and that he cheated when in a depressive state, or leave him because he cheated and doesn’t think he loves me?
My partner of almost 12 years decided to break up with me a couple of weeks ago saying ‘I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore’. Last year he confessed me he was struggling with depression due to a lot of stress for his job, the divorce of his parents, the fear to have an incurable illness (the doctors say that he can have Rheumatoid arthritis, but it can’t be confirmed) and the death of a close relative. He started eating less, having sleeping problems, loosing interest in any activity and our intimacy started to be affected to the point we stopped any contact apart kisses and hugs.
He started to focus only on his job and nothing else. He started to avoid to stay alone with me and started to spent more time with a colleague and I started to be jealous of their relationship. More than once we had arguments about it, as I was feeling like he was replacing me with this girl and he started to be upset that I was jealous and he was showing contempt. When the lockdown started due to Covid-19, he started to work from home for several hours without any break. Then at some point he decided to go running in his lunch break and I started to suspect he was meeting with his colleague without telling me, despite it wasn’t allowed to meet people outside the household, but I convinced myself I was only paranoid.
One day I decided to join him and I took my bike to go find him to come back home together and I saw them together walking along the river and in that moment I felt like I was betrayed and my heart just broken. I went back home trying to be calm and relaxed waiting for him to come back.
When he was at home I started to ask some questions and he lied when I asked if he was meeting with someone. I then told him that I saw them together and I started to cry and told him I felt betrayed also because he lied when I asked.
He said there is nothing between them, but he needed someone to talk to and she is very understanding and he said that he didn’t like what our relationship became because of my jealousy and the fact that it was impossible to have any conversation without anger and jealousy involved and he had the feeling that I became to dependant on him.
He said he was feeling too depressed and he didn’t know how to delete everything has happened in the past year and he felt guilty that he was causing me pain and unhappiness and he said that maybe the best thing to do was to end out relationship because his depression was ruining everything. He asked me to leave him as he didn’t want to drag me in the darkness. I refused to leave him as I saw him suffering and we decided to try to do something to fix our relationship and seek help from a professional.
A couple of weeks passed, but nothing changed. Actually it started to be worse. He stopped to go out, he started to stay in bed until late on Saturdays and Sundays, he stopped going out, stopped showering and shave his beard, and everything I tried to to involve him failed. Until one Sunday morning, when he said that he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore, that he felt empty and he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay with me. He confessed that he suffered of depression in the past and he is worried that also if he can get over it now, the depression will come back at some point. He said he had to be alone as he needed to understand his feeling but with me in the house it was impossible.
For me was like a hearth-quake came and destroyed everything and I was devastated. His colleague contacted me and she said she wanted to talk to me as she knew about his mental health issues. She told me that she noticed him very unhappy, but she didn’t know we had problems until he told her. She wanted to confirm that they aren’t seeing each other but they are very good friends and she tried to help him to face his problems and convince him to seek professional help. She told me he confessed that he was unhappy and he felt guilty to end the relationship because he didn’t want to make me suffer, but I had to accept that he didn’t want to stay with me anymore.
I couldn’t do anything else to make him change his idea and I accepted to let him go with the death in my heart. From that day he changed behaviour, he started to shower again, he shaved, he started to go out for a walk. He was like a new person and I started to think that he faked his depression to make me go away. I also thought that he is probably faking now; he put a mask to seem relieved to convince everyone that now he is happy and he was suffering about the situation.
He stayed in our house for more 2 weeks since the break up and he was sleeping in the spare room. Despite he told me that he was going away he wasn’t looking for a new apartment, until I told him that I found a new place and I was moving out in a month, as I couldn’t live in a place where there are so many memories. Only at that point he started to look for a new place and he moved out recently. It seems like he didn’t want to do the first step.
The day he moved out his colleague helped him to move all his stuff and I started to have again the feeling that they are seeing each other.
When he finished to collect all his stuff, he came to say goodbye (he wants to remain friends and he will help me for the moving) and he asked if he could hug me. At the beginning I hesitated, but then I hugged him and I started to cry. He cried as well and I told him that I loved him so much and to take care of himself and to ask help and solve his issues. He said that he loved me as well and I was the most important person in his life and he doesn’t want to loose me, but I also have to take care of myself and I have a long journey ahead.
Since he moved out I live like in an alternative reality, I still think that it didn’t happen and I hope that once he stays alone in his house, he starts to think and he will change his mind.
I read a lot about depression in this period and I found out that sometimes depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it’s the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.
I know that I have to think about myself now and I have to do something to heal, but I’m still very concerned about him.
Most of the times I think that I want to come back together and start again, but I’m also worried that if this has happened once, it will probably happen again.
The only thing I’m sure is that I love him so much that I don’t want to loose him forever.
Hi Rosie, I can relate to everything you wrote and I too have been through something very similar.
This might be a long shot and I am not sure how much contact you have at the moment with your partner but you mention that your partner though he might have arthritis.
My partner was also diagnosed wth arthritis and then depression within a short space of time.
I did a lot of medical research and discovered that it was very likely that he was gluten intolerant. Gluten intolerance can cause all sorts of problems in the body including joint pain and is also linked to mental health and depression.
It depends on how open your partner might be to this but cutting out all gluten from his diet might just help. Some people end up cutting out most carbs and seeing a huge improvement over n their mental and physical health in a short space of time. It might not work for everyone but cutting out gluten is a very good place to start.
I wish you well for the future.
I am completely feeling this. I recently had to break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he hasn’t been managing his depression. He is my best friend but the relationship is a rollercoaster. I miss him everyday but nothing was changing. He always had things he was going to work on (see a therapist, stop drinking, exercise more) but it was mostly talk. Now, that we broke up he started seeking treatment. It is frustrating that it took us breaking up to get treatment.
Here’s my story:
I recently dated a guy, who immediately broke down all my barriers. It was amazing and the connection was instant. I’m in my late 20s and he was 33. We spent all pf our free time together and which lead to us hanging out about 3 to 4 times a week. He shared his secrets and the fact that he was a recovering addict that had been clean for 4 years. Then in January, he had to have back surgery.
After surgery, I stayed with him to make sure he for about a week. His parents were grateful, since he was far from home. But he became depressed and told me he suffered with depression, but he was able to pick himself up from it. Obviously, with surgery and getting out of his work pit routine, not working, and eating poorly, it caused him to slip into a deeper state of depression. I could notice the difference in behavior because he started drinking more, and not being the nicest person to me personally.
After confronting him about his recently behaviors and excessive drinking, he stated that it was because he was no longer in routine. Then a month later, he told me he relaspe on opioids. I never dealt with depression or a relapse, so I personally was unable to fully understand. Then there was the long 2 weeks or withdrawal, which we made it through, and he started exercising and going to the gym again, and would tell me how much he loved and cared for me.
He decided to go to Georgia home for a little over a week, due to the Pandemic of course. He came back, and was so lovey-dovey, and then the following week I seen him once during the week and my typically weekend visit. However, when he went to work on Saturday, I spontaneously receive a break up text from him. Confused of course because I was at his place, and everything was normal in my eyes. He stated that the relationship was no good, and that he was no good for me. I didn’t understand where he was coming from, because things seemed normal.
Needless to say, he came home and pretended like things where normal. Wanted to carry on with weekend plans and everything. Being me, I did not pretend because the breakup text was sent less then 30 mins ago. I try to ask the reason for the decision, but he kept avoiding me, and stated he was moving back home. I realized the day we live in, but for a man who just spontaneously brought a new car the same week, and resigned his lease the following month. It seems off.
I packed up and went home that night, because there was no need to pretend. Plus, i could see he was pushing me away. The next morning i texted him for an explanation still, however he kept giving me the same response, saying I was ruining our chance to get back together. So, I started practicing radio silence because at this point there is no comfory I can provide him