It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
hi everyone,
first of all, I am so relieved to read this article and all the comments, which showed me that I am not alone in my madness because honestly, I almost started doubting myself if all was my fault (we will get to it later).
how should I start? My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, we started falling for each other so fast after a few times dating, it got so intense that we couldn’t be away from each other for a day. through the whole relationship, we experienced intense love, a lot of caring and affection, there couldn’t go a day without texting how much we love each other, all the experiences we had and the laughter, we always said that we were soulmates and how we were so connected and that we never felt that way before. of course, we had some arguments sometimes but nothing major, or at least according to me, nothing major, we argued about this normal couple would argue about.
at the beginning of our relationship, my ex told me that she was suffering from depression and anxiety and that she is taking antidepressants while having an appointment with the therapist every second week. During the first month, I experienced one of the most frightening moments in y life, the first event took place while we were laying in my bed after a romantic night, she started having a panic attack out of nowhere, I suggested to take her out to get some fresh air, which she had resisted to at first but I managed to convince her to do so, after taking a ride in my car with all the windows down in a cold night of a Swedish winter, she took some anti-anxiety pills and became calm again and we went back home. The second time was too extreme that I even started wondering if I am making the right decision to keep on dating her, especially that I am a father and I had concerns if something like that could in front of my kid. this time I lost her totally, she started hallucinating, hearing and seeing things, I felt powerless and scared that something would happen to her, again the panic attack came out of nowhere.
the following days, after she came back to her senses, I asked her about what is she suffering from and how long she has had these problems, which she has answered but partially, she never revealed the whole story. I also noticed a few scars on her forearm and found out that she self-harmed her self a few years ago and that she also had a mental break and she got hospitalized just a few months before we met.
these, of course, were warning signals, but I started to fall so deeply in love with her that I convinced myself that everything could be fixed and that she just needs time and a boyfriend who will believe in her and help her through those difficult times in her life.
during that year, she stopped smoking, she started exercising and eating healthy food and she thanked me for being an inspiration for her. one thing she was not good at is to take her medication regularly, she could skip them for days or weeks, she also considered lowering the dose of her anti-depressant twice, from 20mg to 15mg to 10mg, which the doctor and the therapists considered as a wrong idea but that they couldn’t force her to keep 20mg. I was also stupid because I supported her decision…
life was beautiful until the 1st of November 2019, weeks before that, I noticed that she started complaining about things not going well at work, she mentioned several times that she is not feeling well, but once I asked about if it has to do with her mental state or if it´s physical, she replied that its just physical and always denied that it could be her depression, stress or anxiety. In September, she also started with contraceptives, which I still believe until today that it made her depression worse.
on November 1st, we argued in text messages, it led me accusing her of lying to me, after that she stopped answering my texts and my phone calls. later on, she wrote that she will sleep somewhere else and that she is not coming back home that night, I panicked and kept on texting and calling (which was wrong) but no answer. I kept on texting the following two days, but still, no answer until I decided to call her mom to see if she had heard anything from her, I was so worried that something could have happened to her, her mom told me that she hasn’t heard anything from her and that she understood my worries and she added: “you knew that she is having depression and that she is on medication” show like she was telling me, why are you surprised that she acted that way, it seems like her mom already aware of this behavior.
later on the next day, she called me telling me that this went over the limits, that I shouldn’t have called her mom and that she wants to end up the relationship, I tried my best to understand where is this coming from and asked myself if I should have acted differently? I should have said different things? I engaged in self-critic for several weeks and start reading about depression and other forms of mental illness to help understand why she behaves this way. after one week she reaches out to me and told me that she appreciates the effort I am making to understand her sickness and that I am also going to a therapist to help me understand what’s going on and also check if I have issues that should also be fixed. we kept on meeting for almost a week. she was telling each other how happy we are and that we never felt this connection with anybody else and even sexually she was very intense and told me how she wants and desires me and that I was the man of her life, she wanted to plan trips together and do some activities during the weekends. I felt so happy and I thought the worst is behind us. but then the day after she turned cold and started accusing me of being manipulative and mentioned the few times we had arguments where she started crying and wondering if I was mad at her and told her that I was not mad but certainly arguing with loved ones isn’t a nice feeling, I also told her that she is being over sensitive because at times I felt that I couldn’t tell her anything without thinking she may interrupt it the wrong way. I knew she was not feeling good when she was accusing me of this so I have apologized for everything that I might have said and was misinterpreted. the next day she cried and told me that she is worried that her depression might have scared me away and she is worried that she will lose me, I reassured her that I am always going to be here no matter what and that I cannot give up on her just because she was sick and that I love her more than anything and I will be patient and give her space as much as she needs it and that I will be available whenever she needs me.
meanwhile, I was spending nights and days reading about depression, I barely ate or slept and couldn’t focus on anything my whole life was on hold and everything I was thinking about is how to be good support without waiting for anything back from her. I admit it, it was very hard to have this unconditional love, a love that only a mother can give and not a life partner it was hard to show affection and not getting anything back. but again I kept in my mind that it was a sickness and that I shouldn’t take it personally. I kept on updating her with the websites I´ve been visiting, which she appreciated while being distant she answered me once a day or in two days until she texted me again the week after asking me if should call me, because she misses me so badly and wanted to hear my voice, told me that she will do whatever it takes to bring herself out of depression and told her that I am also doing everything in my power to help, she then urged to meet me and wanted me to visit her place every evening after work and asked me to sleep over, once again the whole week was amazing and intensely full of love and positive emotions.
the last time I saw her I had to sleep at my place because we had a plan to eat dinner at a restaurant and after that have some fun activities. she then texted me that she was not feeling well that she was exhausted and that she would still want to eat dinner with me but then just go home after that, and she told me she hopes I don’t think she is boring because of that, I reassured her that I think she is the most amazing girl I have ever met and that she has the right to listen carefully to her body and does what feels the best for her. after dinner, I suggested to drive her to her place and leave but she asked me to stay for a little while but that I don’t sleepover, we ended having sex, a very passionate and intense, almost like it would be the last time we will ever get that close to each other.
the day after she was cold and didn’t send texts (again), later on, that night I found out that she started following profiles on Instagram about manipulative boyfriends and mentally abused girlfriends and that she liked some of the posts, it felt like a knife went straight in my heart, I was hurt and confused, why would she do that? after all those weeks struggling to understand her depression, being patient, no sleep, no food, being in a mess and with all the roller coasters of emotions, do I deserve this treatment ?! so I called her to express how disappointed I was and that I thought it’s unfair, that she is playing with my emotions for a month now, she then start to bring the things we have already discussed months ago, such as being sensitive and her asking me several time if I am happy with her without any valid reason. she lashed out on me on the phone and told me couldnt take it anymore and blocked me everywhere.
//J
I’m sorry to read your story. Something I have learned is that the intensity is just the other side of the coin. All of these people, including me, fell in love in a big way and thought they’d nailed it. I went through it twice because he vanished on me and then a year later he was back and ready to do it right. Of course he couldn’t keep it up because it isn’t any more stable than the depressive episodes.
This won’t get better in my experience. I’ve walked away now for my own sake even though it breaks my heart. I hope you find some peace.
Thank you! I am trying my best to clear up my mind from all the memories and the plans we had together, accepting that it´s part of life, people come and people go.
the hardest part is to feel the coldness and the lack of empathy expressed right after a night full of affection and love from that person.
if I could use my brain only, I would know that the person I fell in love with does not exist. I know it takes time to heal after such a thing. but I know that every adversity we might face in life is part of a bigger plan, we just need to have faith and stick to what we can do until we no longer feel the pain.
stay strong !!!
J
So as I read thru all these posts, the first thing that comes to mind is that I could just cut and paste from everyone else’s post to create my story.
Anyway, here is the abridged version:
We were in love and soulmates, together for 13 years. Life traumatized him 4.5 years ago and depression set in (he refused treatment). Last year, additional trauma – depression amps up. One of the way his depression manifests itself is thru anger. He is angry about everything. To contradict him – hell, I just didn’t dare.
Over the past few years, I have watched him distance himself from virtually every friend he had. I was (am?) the last person standing. He has had more than one doctor tell him that his physical problems have origins in his stress (again – he won’t go for treatment).
This morning we had a (I don’t really know what to call it because it was stupid beyond words) lets call it a skirmish. Afterward, as I was driving to work, I received a text that he wanted me to collect my things as he was done.
I know, intellectually, what I should do. I just struggle with doing it because my heart fights the logic.
I know I need to care for me – that I don’t deserve the treatment that I have been receiving.
I have to learn to accept that the man I once loved – died years ago and the creature left behind is not him.
I fear he will hurt himself.
I feel guilty for leaving him and withdrawing my support.
I feel guilty for not being able to get him the help he so clearly needs.
I feel guilty for wanting him to die so I can move forward.
I feel guilty for wanting him to continue to live with the pain.
I feel guilty for still loving a man who has treated me horribly
I feel guilty for – once again – crying to my friends about this situation (leave him they all say)
I feel guilty for being happy when I’m not with him
I feel guilty for absolutely everything.
I know I am not alone because all of you out there have probably felt the same way.
I know I will survive.
I am so sorry for your pain and everything you are going through. I can absolutely empathize with you, as I am going through the same EXACT thing with my husband. He lost his father and very best friend 10 years ago, followed by an estrangement with his only sibling. In that time he also suffered a health issue, which threw him into a depression. I saw his depression begin, at which time he always had a very short temper with me. His dealings with me have morphed from this, as he gets distant and very irritated at me for irrational things. He has pushed everyone close to him away as well, and is left with very few (if any?) close friends. I am one of the only people standing by his side, even though he treats me as poorly as he does. We can go on living like roommates, but this isn’t a marriage. I am so sorry for what you’re going through, but honestly, how long is it fair to you to live like this?? Our marriage has been in a decline for the past 4-5 years, with the last 2 being pretty terrible. There has got to be more for you than a lifetime of having someone make you feel like this. Please update, as you can. Good luck and all the best.
This will probably be a long winded comment I just have a lot going on.
I’ve been married to my wife for 4 years and we dated for 4 years before that. And 4 days ago she left me. She had bees fighting depression for the better part of a year… and I’ve just tried to do anything and everything to make sure she was okay, be that getting medication, taking time off of work, and going to a recovery group to get help.
The depression was caused by pain that was caused by her family (mother, father, and sisters). She left home with me when we were 18 years old, and her family completely cut her out. They never had any support for her and would say/text terrible things to her constantly or ghost her completely.
With time they did open communication but it was minimal and not healthy. But that was over 6 years ago now. Flash forward to when she stopped working to completely full time go to recovery group in August of this year. My wife needed to space herself from her family again, to heal. At this point though we have a house payment a car payment and all the other bills that go along with it. So I got a second job to cover all of the slack in our budget.
She was going to group and getting the help she needed and I was trying to do nothing but support her anyway I could. But as of 11-17-19 she started contact with her family again, and next thing I know she’s telling me she needs to leave to work on herself. I was working 2 jobs and was on minimal sleep and was cold to her… she then was just using all of that to justify her leaving. My texts that were cold were along the lines of “just go… your throwing away all we built… your making a mistake… just leave there’s no arguing…” and I am nothing but regretful of that now… but she left and went back to her families home which is out of state. She refused to let me call her, refused to hear me out. I took all of the money out of our bank account because I know how her family is… I know they would’ve taken all of it and I would’ve been left high and dry unable to pay all of the debt she left me with…
That’s all she kept holding onto is the fact I took the money out of the account… she refused to see what she was doing and that I had no choice… she even removed my name from the bank account… kind of proving to me that she would’ve taken everything and screwed me over…
At that point she was texting a little bit with me but it was from one extreme to the next… (I love you and I need to work on me) (I can never go back, you didn’t trust me and took the money out)(how could you ever think I could do that to you) (this break has nothing to do about you or us, I just need to heal myself and then I can come home) (the money thing broke me, the face that you and your family would think I would do that to you… I can never go back…)
After that it was just 100% ghosting she wouldn’t text me back she wouldn’t answer my calls… I just kept sending texts and calls for the passed 2 days… and now officially today after all the ghosting she has completely blocked me… on everything… there’s no way to talk to her…
Her family never approved of me and never supported her. They just cared for themselves but now they’re taking advantage of her when she’s clearly not clear of mind. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m lost all I kept sending was my love and care for her through the texts saying I want her to do what she needs I just don’t want to lose her…
and now I’ve got no answers she’s a state away over 16hours away, and won’t so much as talk to me… she is just easily throwing away everything we had… and I’m lost I don’t know what to do… I’m so worried for her and her health… I just want her back I want her home…
I have read some of this thread and at over 600 comments, it seems like a common problem.
I had the best summer ever with my boyfriend. Then, I came home from vacation, my grandfather died and he told me about his depression and that he had been having suicidal thoughts. He said that I could have a healthy relationship, but he couldn’t and that I was wasting my time. He also said he did not want to take medications because they had bad side effects. He sent me links to articles that described depression, which I read.
We texted a little after that and I visited him at his house, but the next day, he told me to not do that again because as soon as I left, he started drinking.
The next few weeks were little to no communication – I was granting him the space he requested. And then I sent him a random text. His responded but his responses didn’t quite make sense. His first message was that he was better and no longer suicidal, but that he couldn’t have a partner and maybe we could be friends.
I sent him a message back that his decision hurt me and that it was unfair. His next message was really odd and he told me about a friend of his and a viral video and that the video and his friend reminded him of my name. (It didn’t make sense, so it’s even harder to write about to make sense of it to anyone reading this.)
I wrote back that I was sorry I had been melodramatic in my text about being hurt and that I was grateful for knowing him. I told him I did hope we could continue to talk when he felt better.
Now it’s been a couple of weeks and I want to text him to see if he’s ok, but I don’t know what to say. I think maybe just saying hello, or asking about his step-father who is sick, but I don’t know whether I should.
This is all compounded by the fact that he left valuable property at my house and has said that he will never use any of it again anyway and that I can keep it, but some things, like his shoes are really personal.
I have been taking care of me. I have got my diet back on track. I have gone to Reiki. I have started knitting again. I have tried to ignore the negative messages that I am hearing from my friends and family who say I am “lucky” I found out now…
But at the end of the day, I am confused and worried about him and there is nothing I can do to shake the feeling that I can’t give up and let his depression win.
Help!
I’m going through something very similar as all of you and reading other peoples stories has been helpful.
I’ve been with my girlfriend a year. She was my roommate before we got together so weve lived together our whole relationship. We also worked together for the first 4 months, which is how we met. She’s had lifelong depression stemming from childhood trauma but for the last several months of our relationship she’s been in a downward spiral. We would be doing fine, and then she would have periods of being shut down, not talking to me, crying, feeling self-hating, being irritable, angry, etc. Over time this would happen more and more frequently. Over the summer she started going to therapy as well as going to intensive outpatient treatment so she could stop drinking and smoking pot and start addressing her trauma and depression. She continued getting worse throughout therapy and tried to kill herself a month and a half ago. She admitted herself to a clinic that same morning and stayed there for 5 days. They had her on an anti-depressants which made her extremely lethargic but also lessened her anger greatly. She said she felt like anger had been controlling her life and it was such a relief not to have that anymore. She stayed on the anti-depressants for about 3 weeks after she left the clinic then went off them and went back to drinking. Quit therapy and everything. She seems more stable since she’s been out but still extremely depressed. She mostly watches tv and if she socializes it’s after work with coworkers over drinks.
Throughout the latter half of our relationship she’s repeatedly tried to break up with me then changes her mind and things will be better for a while. Then it happens again. She says she’s toxic and is trying to protect me from herself. A week ago she said she just wanted to be friends and said the same thing she’s said before, that she’s spent a long time trying to protect me from herself. She said she wants space.
So I’ve been giving her space. She hasn’t taken off the ring I gave her so I guess she still considers us together. I’m just hanging on. It’s so hard watching something amazing go like this, not because of fighting or incompatibility, but because of depression. Looking at her, and our relationship, is like watching a candle get smaller and smaller until it’s snuffed out.
I desperately wish she would go back on anti-depressants and have the patience to find the one that works best. I’m not willing to give up on our relationship. I know couples go through hell and come out the other side the better for it. I still have hope.
Hi everybody. I was reading some of the other posts on similar topic and it made me feel so much better about my own situation and helped me realise there was more of us dealing with similar story . Me and my partner were together for over 7 years and living together for over 6 , we hardly ever argued and he told me he loves all the time.We spent all the time together, messaging each other through out the day while, going on lots of holidays together and socialising with out friends .Few days before everything happened he told me he loves me , 2 weeks before that he would like to get a dog together and we just booked our next holidays in few months time he also invited me to come to his home country in a month time.So I definitely wasn’t expecting what was about to happen .I always knew he sometimes had problems with low mood and nothing seemed to cheer him up at times. He recently started drinking more than usual and stopped exercising all together . Few days before everything happened his grandmother died and I know he was very close to her which seemed to push him over the edge but he never shared that with me until it was too late. He started to sleep on the sofa( which was not uncommon as he liked to sleep with TV on) .I knew he was upset and he told me he should maybe see a specialist. I told him its a very good idea and I offered to help him find one. The next two day i was working full days but still messaging him the whole time to make sure he is ok and sending him my love. It was 3 days after his grandmother passed away , while I was on my way from work when he texted me “we need to talk”.i asked him what is it thinking it’s something silly but he told me he is moving to his home country, that he is a mess, got panic attacks ,drinks all the time and he is not happy . He told me I’m amazing and I deserve so much better than him and he can’t give me what I want. When I came home I was very upset as I felt like my heart just exploded into million pieces. He announced he will stay that night at our friends. I messaged him a bit after asking if he got there safe and asking him when he is planning on leaving.He told me he will be leaving in a month time and he will come and collect his things the next day. I asked if he is sure he definitely dont want to try to work things out and the answer I got “it’s not real love anymore for me and you deserve better”. After that I had nothing else to say the next day I came back home just to see our apartment completely empty of his things with a key posted through letter box, which wasn’t easy thing to see.Later I found out from his friend he was crying when he was leaving . A day after I also found out he booked a flight home in 4 days rather than 3 weeks as he planned originally. He left his job within days and only managed to say bye to 3 of his friends, which sounded like a very rushed decision to me and everyone else.His friends told me later he wasn’t great when they saw him and it felt like he didn’t know what he really wanted. For them it was a big suprise as well as that’s not something he ever mentioned to anyone before.I thought he will contact me before he leaves to have a proper conversation about what happened rather than text messages but he never. A day after he arrived he texted me to say he is sorry they way things ended and I am an amazing person and I deserve so much better than him. He said i should never blame myself as his head is messed up and I should be with someone who gives me everything I deserve.After that he wished me a great life and said he will never forget me. I messaged him back to say whatever he decides to do he should see a specialist as whatever he is dealing with won’t just go away. He thanked me for caring and wished me good life again. I messaged him today just to wish him all the best and Im sorry its all ended and that I feel sad that I not only lost him but also my best friend.I told him at the end he is great person and he should never doubt that. I finished with “I will never forget you” .he replied ” I will always remember you have a great life” So the way I see it if someone is telling me to have a great life 3x times thats means they don’t want you to speak to them so I will leave him alone now and try to make peace somehow
It sounds like he is going through a breakdown because if events with his grandmother. It’s likely that he will want to reconnect with you after some time goes by, seeing as you had many years together.
I’m so sorry to read all of these stories but they have also helped me. My boyfriend and I broke up this morning when I just couldn’t bite my tongue anymore about how isolated he was making me. It was our second time going through this and I was so sure it wouldn’t happen again and we would be fine but his depression makes him so selfish and I’m a victim of that once again.
I love him so much so I am devastated that we are over. However, I know I was miserable because he stopped wanting to spend time with me. I need to remember that. It wasn’t a healthy relationship anymore. I tried so hard to give him support and space but it wasn’t enough. Having read these stories I know I need to stay firm now and not go back. It will just happen again if I do and I need to take time to get over this now and hopefully find someone who wants to be with me and put as much into a relationship as I am willing to. It just feels so horrible to be leaving him to deal with his illness by himself now. He’s kept it from everyone else in his life including his best friends and his kids. I’m so worried about him but I clearly can’t help. He’s so busy beating himself up about hurting me that the best thing I can do for him is take myself away so he can’t see my heart breaking.
Thanks for sharing your stories. I hope we all find happier days.
Hi there. I read this long lengthy comment section. My gf broke up with me a week ago. We didn’t talk for 5 days after talking everyday, saying good morning/goodnight and spending great hours together. We had amazing conversation, she said she loved me, said she wanted to not hurt me and thought by being alone she’d be better off. After the 5 days were up, she contacted me. She said she wasn’t feeling ready because she just again, was concerned about hurting me. After telling her that I’ll do whatever it takes, we patched things up. We are together again.. it’s been a few days since but I just want to give some of you hope.. that if there IS love, and she does want to be with you it can work. Give her the space, wait for her to reach out. She missed me a lot apparently… I wanted to call her so bad and my heart was aching so much.. but I’m so glad I waited it out. I want to give some of you hope out there, because I too was never seeing any response to people’s terrible situations. I’m so sorry all of you struggle with this pain so much and I’d never wish it upon anyone. But here, I came back. It worked for me… give them space, let them know you care when they reach back. Best of luck to you all.
How is it going with your girlfriend?
It almost happened again, she said she just felt like a burden and she didn’t want to hurt me. She said she wanted time just to work on herself to be better for me. After 2 days again, she reached out and things are good again. I seriously just think they don’t want to hurt us. I reassured her sooooo much. But in the thick of her depression at the time she didn’t believe me and felt bad. But once the depression had a break, her feelings, love, and will to make the relationship shined through again. Just give them space once in a while if they need it. The depression makes it impossible for them to trust themselves that they aren’t hurting us.
Things are amazing right now, there are moments where she distances herself, but once the clouds leave she’s so thankful that I wait for her. (Like if one day she doesn’t message much, I have to remind myself it’s nothing I’m doing and I know she’s battling hard. I tell her I love her, and constantly remind her I’m there for her.) It also helped that she made a post on reddit about whether a break was a good idea and most people told her “no”. And work through it together.
Can you share the reddit link? My ex broke up with me due to depression. I still love him and want to give him the space he needs
Thank you for the hope, that is so unbelievably kind of you to think about writing that. It’s what we are all looking for and just the comment I needed to read right now. I am going to stay strong and keep my heart filled with hope.
Thank you!! I wanted to give some of you hope.. I remember a few months ago crying to myself in bed all alone desperately praying she’d get back to me and patch things up.. I never knew how dangerous depression was. Just keep reminding them you love them unconditionally, and tell them too that you never blame them, they are worth it, and most importantly that they DO make you happy!!! Her biggest concern was she was making me unhappy. Yes, the depression is extremely difficult sometimes but I told her (when things weren’t cloudy) that it’s not her fault. And she deserves to be happy.
Keep hanging in there.. sorry again I know it’s excruciatingly painful waiting for them… text them and let them know you’re thinking of them. My heart goes out to you guys and I wish the best for you. You are the only constant in their whole life. And yes it’s so hard not to be affected by it. But the fact you guys can hang on really shows the level of love that you have for your significant other. I wish you so much luck. I’d be happy to hear about it too from you guys if you get updates.
Thank you for posting this up, I had been asking myself whether anybody had anything good to report after a breakup/taking a break at their partner’s request & here I find this post, so thank you once again as it has given me some hope.
Yesterday after a conversation with my depressed boyfriend who admitted he had no interest in anything anymore, who said I’m too good for him etc, and needed me to step back for a couple of weeks until he gets his head straightened (this is the 2nd time he has said this which i did do but we were still in contact at his request) i told him i loved him & i would do whatever he needed and suggested giving him til the end of this month, thats just over 3 weeks, but if he needs me before that or wants to talk to give me a shout & if not, we will talk on the 30th of June – we said our goodbyes lastnight & all he asked of me was if he called to my ‘door’ some day during the week would i set up his online banking app for him, which i said i would no problem. However today i feel soooooo guilty that i have abandoned him, that maybe he only suggested/agreed to the break because he doesnt know in his own head what he wants – I’m debating with myself whether i should still text him & say that i love him & am here if he needs me & that he is the best person i know, or do I just sit it out until he contacts me or until the 30th of June. From what you have said it seems to be better to do nothing & let him get back to me?
My advice to anyone who has a depressed partner who leaves is take care of yourself first and foremost. You can’t help them. Even if they come back they will likely do to you what they have already done over and over. You’ll have hope for a bit and then it will all come crashing down. If they leave, care about them and check they are ok but let them stay left. You’ll be better off in the long run, no matter how good the relationship was before they got sick. I think depression is a life-long illness for most people who get it and it is very sad and of course horrendous for them, but they will drag you down with them and ruin your life too. I’ve lost count of the number of times I have been dumped. I should have stayed away when it first happened.
This just happened to me after 5 years. I also share some of the blame, but after researching many of these stories I am not almost at the mindset that this was inevitable even if things were ideal.
I read your post everyday. Even now. Whenever I feel weak and want to reach out to her.
Thank you
So much of this blog speaks to my situation right now. My husband of 5 years (have been together for almost 11 years) fell into depression about 16 months ago, seemingly triggered by a miscarriage we experienced after a year of fertility issues. He began to withdraw from me, friends, and family. He chose to spend more time with new coworkers than with me or with friends. When I questioned what he was going through, he told me he was trying to escape the sadness of not having a baby. I was also dealing with the loss of the miscarriage and the frustration with not being able to conceive again. Since he seemed mostly down due to the failed pregnancy, I asked him if we could attempt a first round of fertility treatment and he reluctantly consented. Against the odds, the treatment was successful and I was pregnant again. Once he discovered I was pregnant, he spiraled into a worse depressed state, becoming very weepy and withdrawn. He was angry that I was pregnant at a time he thought only I wanted to be, not on his watch. I felt very confused – the man I married had always wanted to be a father and having children was something we’d daydream about together over the years.
I am 9 months pregnant now, and throughout the pregnancy he continues to be depressed and withdrawn. When I ask him about his feelings, he will tell me he is generally sad or sometimes blame his sadness on me/past situations in our relationship (i.e. our house buying process 5 years ago or home improvement projects). The issues he brings up are very minor. He began to show some excitement about the baby around 7 months but the past month he has spiraled again into a sullen state. He does not want me to touch him, he started picking up extra hours at a second job, and informed me that he now realizes he needs treatment for his depression but wants to do it “on his own in his own way” and needs to move out of our house. He also mentioned he thinks it may be wise for us to separate before the baby is old enough to know what it’s like to have parents that are together.
I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare with our baby arriving any day now and a husband who is set on moving out as soon as he can. He is not the sweet, devoted man I married. This is not how I pictured our family starting and certainly wasn’t thinking I’d potentially be raising this baby on my own. I had been asking and pleading with him over the past year to seek treatment for his depression but he would always say he wanted to work things out on his own. We tried three sessions of marriage counseling months ago that got nowhere before I discontinued them since the sessions were making him more upset. He has recently started depression medication and therapy on his own, which is a huge relief to me, however the side effects he’s experiencing he seems to throw in my face that he is putting up with them for my sake. He had stated over and over again he did not want to be on medication and although the doctor is the one that convinced him to try it, he still seems to think I am to blame.
I’ve started therapy on my own as well to help me cope with the situation. I just want to know if the man I married will return or if depression has taken him over for good. The therapist wants me to focus on myself and realize I deserve better, but I’m still holding out hope the treatment will help.
Hi. Just wanting to know how this ended for you as I’m going through something similar. Been married to my amazing husband for 9 years. Best friends and have had an amazing relationship. We have an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old baby.
Just before the arrival of our second baby I noticed he was changing. Very withdrawn and irritable. After our baby was born things deteriorated. It was obvious he was depressed and went further into himself. Emotionally shut down from me kept going on about how he should be happy he wasn’t he didn’t know why. But he can’t give me what I need and I’d be better off without him. He was numb. When the baby was 3 months old he told me he thinks he doesn’t love me and he wants to leave. It was all such a shock as just a few months earlier we had been so happy.
I convinced him to stay and try marriage counseling. But like you after a few sessions we got nowhere was was obvious his depression was the problem not our marriage. I eventually convinced him to go to the doctors. He started medication but it’s a low dose and it’s not worked. Since then things have gotten even worse. I think maybe due to the stress of th children and my emotions. Of feeling scared and hurt. He’s told me many lies about upping his medication and going to therapy which I’ve found out hasn’t been true. Then this week he has moved out and said he needs to sort this alone. We need space. He has now referred for CBT and says he will go back to the doc this week.
I just don’t know what to do. I miss the man I married and have Been left with 2 tiny children.
He had also thrown himself into work. Says it’s the only thing he feels his not failing at.
I just don’t know what to do with myself. We were just so happy. Now I’m doubting whether we will ever work it out.
Never thought id be ending up posting on a forum such as this.
So my partner of 4 years and fiancee for the last year of that has just ended things and I can’t believe how similar the situation is for many after having read the comments here.
This woman was the girl of my dreams. We met randomly on a night out and just clicked. 7 months later she moved cities to be with me and then moved in 2 months later. We’ve had so many good times together since and I felt like I was the luckiest man alive.
The last year is when things started changing. She started getting annoyed at me for little things and for doing doing a lot of cycling in my spare time (an hour to an hour and a half after work most days). At the time I didn’t think much of it other than normal arguments that come with being in a relationship. Then one day she said she wanted to end things. I was shocked to say the least. A day later and id apologised for things I thought I was doing that caused it and said I’d change and she accepted that. A month later and she then finally tells me shed been depressed for a while now, maybe a year. A lot of things started to make sense and I told her we’d get her to the GP and fight this battle. She agreed and went but didn’t want me there which was sore to take. He gave her a course of the the anti depressant, sertraline. I foolishly thought that would be it as id never had much dealing with depression so didn’t know how bad it could get.
3 months later after me thinking everything was going well she blind sides me again and says we need to end the relationship. This was a week after she’d phoned home from a holiday saying she was missing me badly and crying. I was devastated again. She said she didn’t feel like she could burden me with any of this and that she didn’t deserve me. I tried to tell her that she was the absolute girl of my dreams to no avail. In the 2 weeks following (we were still living together) I got her to sit down and speak very candidly and she listed out nearly every negative thing I’d done over the last 3 years. None of the things she said seemed reasonable enough to split up. She then confessed that she had cheated on me once when the depression got really bad.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the last 2 weeks. I forgave her for what she did to me even though it was sore to take. I’ve read a lot of what depression can do and the story seems so similar when scrolling through these comments. Before I’d been willing to let her stay with me in separate rooms but I decided that we needed time apart after that to let wounds heal and she is now moving out. Part of me feels the depression has ruined the love she felt for me and that the anti depressants have just made it worse. I’ve read so much about how the SSRIs increase the serotonin but the dramatically decrease the dopamine which is needed to feel love for someone. She barely shed a tear when she left me in bits and only actual cried when I said she’d have to move out. I’m going to the GP to tell him what’s happened. He obviously won’t tell me anything but I feel if he’s aware of the deterioration in our relationship over nothing then he may be able to alter the medication to help.
I honestly don’t know what else to do. This was a girl id been planning on spending the rest of my life with and then to cone to this has just left me dumbfounded and heartbroken. At first i was going to not speak to her for a few months and see if that made her miss me but I realised the other day that this is a person who I deeply care about who is really struggling at the moment and if she just needs a friend then I’ll just have to suck it up and be a friend for now regardless of what the future holds. In time if she gets better she may see what’s happened, i only hope its before its too late. She insists it’s not the depression or drugs but I find it hard to believe when I’ve seen her change so much. Truly devestating.
Depression is a horrible illness and it’s totally changed my life when I’ve never even had it. I highly encourage you to try look out for the signs of it in a loved one before its too late. I only wished I’d spotted it sooner and maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.
I have just found this website and it is so full of information which has really helped me tonight. I have read your post and what you write reflects my situation as well. My husband walked out on 19th October 2018 and has not come back. I go between thinking I should message him and be in touch with him because I love him and I care to maybe I shouldn’t have any contact with him. I just don’t know what the right answer is.
Depression is a horrible illness and has completely changed my life too – again I’ve never had it. I have thought many times over the last 6 months I wish I had spotted it and done something about it and maybe I could have saved my marriage.
How are things for you now?
Thank you for sharing your story, it has really helped me.
Hello Sam,
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve ended up in a similar situation. It’s not been an easy journey for myself either I can assure you that. It’s been 7 months of going back and forth between missing the woman I love to convincing myself that I’m fine and that I should move on to then realising I’m struggling to accept what has happened and realising I still love her. The only thing that’s really kept me from getting depressed is that I set a few goals for this year which I’ve been focussing all my energy on and I feel that has been very helpful.
In terms of what contact I’ve had with her over the last 7 months it’s been minimal. She lives only 2 miles away from me just now but it feels more like 2000. I left all contact until Xmas when I sent her a photobook of our memories which she knew I’d been making for our anniversary anyway before we split up and also a letter just saying basically how I felt. She said it was nice and to have a good Xmas and that was that really, she then deleted all the photos of us on her social media and blocked me, that was another sore one to take. Only spoken to her 3 times since when she’s had to come round to collect letters which had been delivered to my flat for her and even then it was just basic chit chat. I’ve now accepted that there is nothing more I can really do and it’s all up to her whether she reaches out and even then that could be never so I’m kind of just living life for myself at the moment. Still not easy though and it’s been very painful reliving the whole thing over and over again since it happened and also having to deal with the intense loneliness. I did read something tonight though that said instead of feeling pain at remembering what I had that maybe whenever I think about the 4 years we had I should be thankful instead that I got those 4 years and just accept it is what it is for now and quite probably will not be regained. There will be another out there I’m sure when the time is right but for now it’s all about processing everything that’s happened and just regaining my happiness. My hope is that if I keep setting myself goals then eventually that will just naturally happen.
Obviously not a happy ever after ending (at the moment (probably not ever)) but I hope it helps in someway.
My love of 3 years and fiance of a year and a half moved out 3 times since January. The first time 3 days and came back. The second a week and came back. This last time he has been gone for 3 months. We got engaged October 2017 after a rocky court ship. He would disappear sometimes and get depressed and retreat into his shell. We moved in together and got a house in June of 2018. My fiance is 48 years old he is ex Marine Veteran and and has PTSD and Depression. He also has a host of health issues. he has had 4 heart attacks since age 40, diabetes, seizure disorder, sleep apnea, high blood pressure and stint in his heart. His doctor says he cannot work and he has been waiting to receive his disability for the last 2 years. He refuses to go to the VA for benefits.
Things were fine the first 6 months were were in the house. I working and taking caring of bills him taking care of the inside and outside of the home. In October he became to be real angry very nitpicky stating he felt like my maid and I leave a mess for him to clean. Being very mean and drinking alot and becoming somewhat verbally and physically abusive. Mind you he quit a part time job he had when he moved in due to the stress and being paid peanuts. so he was at home ALOT. We planned to get married in June, supposed to be this Saturday in Caribbean however we decided to postpone the wedding in January due to multiple issues. We began marriage counseling in December and agreed upon it as he had several tragedies and we had a serious stressor that occurred during this time. His grandfather died in November 2018, Mother went in Hospital December 2018, his crazy ex showed up at our house and physically assaulted him and damaged his car in January of 2019. His father figure died in March 2019 the day be moved out. He is not close to his biological mother or father.
I admit him being home was emotionally draining coming home to an angry or depressed and despondent man everyday and he was not taking his medications regularly however was seeing a therapist regularly and went with me religiously to marriage counseling for 3 months. He reports he moved out because he felt too dependent on me and knows it hurt me to see him the way he was. We have seen each other on and off but the last few weeks seems to be more depressed. He has been going to a day treatment program and finally agreed to go inpatient but has yet to check himself in. I am trying to be supportive however I feel like I am living limbo. I want him to be better and for us to be together but rationally I know it may take a while. Do I want to wait a while? I will be going to the Caribbean by myself this week which is supposed to be the week of our wedding. I will have a couple of friends there so it will help. I am really going to try to decompress and do some soul searching so I can make some sort of decision regarding this complicated mess. The only thing I am sure of is I love him and I am trying really hard to separate the man I fell in love with from his depression and anxiety. I am a therapist myself and really wonder how I got myself in a relationship like this. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time.
I am in a similar situation. Let’s talk and support each other
I definitely feel for you. While my relationship was not as long as yours nor to the engagement stage, the events I faced were very similar. Why I feel guilty for her depression is not fair to me and the support and love I provided her, but I do.
Your last paragraph really hit home for me. Her depression absolutely has changed my life, and I worry it will always be something that prevents me from falling for someone again. I literally am staggered by how quickly things changed; it’s as if another person took over her body. Oddly, as much as I hurt that she expelled me from her life so nonchalantly, I’m now even more fascinated that she could. It’s so illogical I can’t stop thinking about it.
Hi everyone. I first wrote on this page exactly a year ago because my depressed partner broke up with me stating she wasn’t in love with me anymore. This was two days after my 40th birthday on a holiday I had planned for us. Within a week she told me she had made a mistake and wanted me back. I loved her that much I accepted this and we got back together. It felt so great to be together again and back in love, so much so she asked me to marry her two months later. Fast forward a few months and I moved 170 miles to be with her, relocated my business, left my home, friends and life in a great city. I’ve put in a huge effort to do the change, start making a life for myself here, make new friends. But in the meantime, in the 6 months since I moved in her depression got bad again. I’ve felt very unloved for many months and it has caused many an argument. We’ve nearly broken up so many times but I just could not bring myself to leave. It was my birthday yesterday and it was the worst ever. This morning she wakes me up to tell me I am her family, that she loves me very much but is not in love with me and probably hasn’t been since I moved in. Devastated is not the word. My whole life has been ripped apart. I don’t know whether to believe what she is saying, or not. But I am leaving anyway. If someone tells you this there is no point, nothing left for you. This whole experience has been a complete nightmare, ending with me broken hearted, again. My advice for anyone with someone with depression: expect nothing but to get your heart ripped out because they don’t care, they can’t, they are not capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Leave now if you can, for your own sake and you can maybe meet someone else who is not so ill.
Same basic story. Been together years, not married. On again off again. Never apart more than a couple weeks. Got married. His ( depressed) idea. Within weeks started in w/ talk of wanting divorce. A couple months ago, when I refused to change careers at 52 to make more money to satisfy him. (Compulsive buyer) he decided he “wasn’t attracted to” me, wanted to go back living w/ his mother . I ruined his life. He got mad, walked out, divorce should be final 2 weeks before first wedding anniversary. I’m so hurt and embarrassed. Just great!
so my boyfriend of 8 months left me just under a week ago because he was no longer in the right mental state to commit to a relationship, our whole relationship was happy we loved each others company, we spent lots of time together booked a holiday, started looking to move out together. I genuinely thought I’d found the one. a few months ago he was acting strange and started saying he didn’t know what he wanted anymore i was in complete shock after talking he told me that he gets like this sometimes over his dad (who died of a heart attack when he was younger) we talked and i promised id be there for him no matter what, not long after again he had another freak out after a silly argument and was accusing me of being unfaithful, telling me how much better i can do than him, honestly i didnt feel like i was talking to the person i fell in love with. fast forward we are back to normal ive been away on a family holiday we talk everyday he tells me how much hes missing me and how me being away has shown him not to take me for granted. So him ending things was a shock a massive shock, he wouldnt meet up to talk about it, when ive tried to get him to open up he wont and when he finally did what he said seemed like a cry for help and when i tried to make him open up a little more he backed off and told me ‘no one will ever know how i really feel because no one can make me better’ and everyone hes ever let in has let him down. but i wouldnt of id have been there for the good the bad and the ugly and stuck by him. i even said id be there just as a friend would, someone to talk to, to listen and he told me he wants to be on his own and i need to respect that. i honestly dont know what to do, i want to give him the time he needs but i want him to know im here if he needs me but he wont listen.
Becca, I am in similar situation. Can we talk?
Hi everyone,
My depressed partner broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. He basically told me that he didn’t want to be a boyfriend anymore and that he didn’t love me. That he didn’t want a relationship at all and he couldn’t see himself wanting one in the future. I was so hurt and confused and still am. We didn’t have a perfect relationship and this summer has been difficult. We were together for about a year and a half and living together for a good portion of that time. I felt so unsupported at times and felt like I was doing all the work in the relationship so I moved out, with the promise of working on things and getting stronger for us. He didn’t want me to and he missed me but accepted it. Now he says that he drifted away from me and starting feeling more and more distant. That the kind, loving, sweet things he’s said to me throughout our relationship he “doesn’t mean anymore.” He said he felt he was neglecting his needs for too long and felt he needed to be along to fully realize himself.
Insisted that it wasn’t depression-related which I don’t fully believe. He said he thought I was an amazing girlfriend and that he wanted me to be happy. I did the wrong stuff after. I kept contacting him, trying to change his mind or show him another alternative. He doesn’t want to hear it. He’s at a point of such high stress in his life that he’s terrified and he’s completely pushed me away because he feels as though not having a relationship will make things easier and take pressure off of him. This is an incredibly hard time for me because he loved me so much and, even after he broke it off, cared enough to take my calls, answer my questions, and be patient and loving with me. He’s been complimentary to me and even said that I made him feel better at times but that he just can’t be in a relationship and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He says that I need to stop asking him to change his mind because it’s not going to happen and that if I love him I need to let him go. I promised myself I would no longer contact him but I’m so hurt and scared and just want to help him. I recognize there’s nothing I can do but was wondering if there’s any hope for the future? I asked him if he saw himself in a relationship again if he would want that with me and he said yes. He felt it would be hard and potentially awkward but he would only want that with me. He answered all of my calls and texts. He said he wants to remain friends and he likes me and cares about me and he’s so sorry but he doesn’t want any of the things we planned anymore.
I guess I’m just struggling to find any way to have hope for the future. I told him that, by doing this he risks never getting me back and he said, “I know that and I’m still doing it.” I just don’t understand and I want to be with him and make him happy. He told me our relationship was the best he’s ever been in and that he saw a future with me that he’s never seen with anyone else. Yet he still tried to blame aspects of why we didn’t work out on me. He’s had severe chronic depression for years and tried to kill himself when he was 8. I know he’s in such a numbed out state of mind where he’s functioning but not really changing anything to feel better. These articles have helped me understand where he may be coming from but I was wondering if there was anything I can do for a future with him? Obviously I can’t change his mind, I’ve tried that. But, with all the love still there, will he come back to me and want a relationship? I’m trying to deal with my own emotions about all of this and he’s so stubborn and introverted that he just wants to worry about himself. I’m worried that he’ll never be happy and that he’ll never want a relationship again when we were genuinely so connected. He’s also been so calm and rational that it worries me. He had a weak moment when I called him once where he seemed to express regret but ultimately went back to a cold, unchanging stance a couple days later.
Any hope guys? Any approach I should take here? Obviously I just need to leave him alone for the time being because that’s what he wants but I don’t think he’s going to get any happier without me. He says he doesn’t want a relationship and that I need to believe him, which I do. He’s an extremely independent person and has had to survive on his own for quite some time. I know he trusted and loved me but he still struggled to let me help him or take pressure off of him. It’s just so frustrating and heartbreaking and there seems to be no hope for the future because he refuses to picture a future. I know the depression must be driving this in some ways because it can’t not be related but I don’t think he’s in a place to recognize that. I just hope some of what I’ve said to him will get through and he will realize he needs to get help and then he’ll reach back out to me. I’m not holding my breath. I’m trying to move on. But when you’ve taken care of someone and really invested in them and your relationship, it’s hard to just let go and let them leave you.
Did you back together?
My boyfriend left me after a few years to severe depression that I knew he was dealing with Whole time we were together. He wants to talk in 3 weeks to “see how he’s feeling” he sssured me I was not the problem, yet said I was part of the problem. I don’t understand! He’s super closed off and basically tells me nothing. He first dumped me two weeks ago, and then his grandpa got sick and he asked me to come over and be there for him so i was all week and was practicing boundaries like not staying overnight or anything. Then after that week passed, said he can’t do this anymore and we should break up. So he kept flip flopping on if he wanted me or not. He recently returned my telescope and stuff to my place, he came over very fast in a rush and didn’t make any eye contact. Every time we talk on phone or text is always super rude and mean and cold as I recently told him I don’t understand his behavior and don’t deserve to be treated like this. All he could say was “I’m sorry.” I’ve been extremely confused, and I still love him, but idk why he can’t be straight with me. It’s probably the depression. I feel like he thinks getting rid of me will help. He says he wants to see how life is without me, and we’re gonna talk in a few weeks to see how we are feeling. Just gotta wait a few more weeks for him to discard me again ha. Any help would be great
It kind of goes like that. A relationship can be seen as a burden to them so the simpler they make their life the easier it seems, when we all know loving closeness is usually a good thing. Just be careful to take care of yourself. As getting the torture end and learning how to be helpless is hard. Of course leave the door open.
I can’t believe I’m doing this, probably because I’m so lost and hurt and reading similar stories is maybe helpful.
My boyfriend of 2 years suddenly feels like he can’t be in a relationship. This all started three months ago, I saw such a change. Our relationship was always good, great even. Suddenly this sweet, loving, kind man was mean and cold and just gone. He kept saying he was just tired and that nothing was wrong. He finally admits he’s been depressed but he doesn’t know why. Then began the oddest two months we had together. He would disappear for 2-4 days at a time and just shut down. He wouldn’t answer me, the first two times I was really worried and then it became such a regular pattern. When he’d come back he’d say he’s sorry, he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he feels broken, he can’t be happy anymore. Rinse repeat. When I’d ask him what’s going on he’d say he needs to be alone. That he can’t get a clear thought and he wants solitude.
It’s been 4 days since we spoke. This time I’m actually listening and not contacting him, but I am so hurt. He says he needs this, he’s too messed up, please understand. But I can’t. We were together every day for two years and I’ve lost my lover and my best friend and I’m scared he’ll never come back. I’m so lonely and I have things I’m dealing with too and it’s really hard.
Yep, those are the signs. Sudden displeasure, wanting to be alone. It was traumatic to me personally. I still have a small fear in my mind that they may never return to their normal days but in my past I have seen a turnaround with close friends, albeit it took quite a bit of time. We lived together for awhile and in a way she was warning me about what could happen with major depression. I never picked up how uncomfortable it was to her to talk about but she gave me ever lasting words that if I woke up to someone completely different, it won’t be me being the issue, and how they will love me forever. I love leaving our pictures up, and just remembering the good times. She isn’t making any new memories with herself or anyone. We had already put down a structure on what marriage would be like, timing and all. Sometimes I think I may have contributed to depression with all the positive changes happening. But I also can’t blame myself if I was doing the right things to make a future forever for us.
The one thing that helps me aside from time is respecting their wishes, and just making sure they are being taken care of with their mother. Love can be at a distance, sadly. I like to say we built up enough that someday we will work it out.
Becca, I am in similar situation. My depressed bf of seven months dumped me. He was acting distant a month prior to break up. We tried to get back together, but he would break up again. He was backing up slowly, now we don’t talk.
R. I.P his clear mind
Any update?
Hi. So glad i found this site it’s made me feel like I am not on my own. My partner recently walked out saying he can’t do this any More and I am shocked. He says it’s my own fault for not listening and seeing it coming. I totally disagree as we have been still very loving together ok not as much due to petty arguments but they are all down to his low moods. We have a great life together and have so many plans. I love him very much and his moods have been an issue recently. He also stopped doing the things he enjoyed and only wanted to just work all the time. It’s been hard watching him go downhill and I tried to get him interested in things but he just got annoyed. He originally suggested seeing a gp a while back and I thought great. But he said the following week he was fine. We have been together years and have been building a life together. And now he has left. He us not even willing to try even though he says he still loves me. I am willing to support him but he has moved out and not willing to listen as he said I haven’t been listening to him. Any advice welcome as I want him home
Update: he is now seeing someone else not sure how serious it us. But they were messaging before he left me. Since leaving he has been to Dr and I do think he still cares about me. What do i do ??
Hi Anon, reading your post sounds very similar to what happened to me. The downward spirals, saying they care but not doing it with actions.
I hope you’re doing ok. Finding out your partner is now seeing someone else is always hard, and for me what I found especially difficult was the emotional cheating. Being with someone who could withdraw and be emotionally unavailable to then put all their energy into a new person hurts.
It’s good to hear that he had gone to see a Dr. What I’ve realised is that with most illness’ including depression it’s important that the person suffering takes that first step for help. Initially following the break up, I spoke to my ex about speaking to someone -his behaviour was erratic and extremely out of character. His reply was that he’s felt the best he has in a while, a few weeks later he then told me how he’s suffering and threw a torpedo at his life!
It’s been almost 3 months since we broke up, and almost 2 weeks now without contact. The best advice I received was to be kind to yourself, and put yourself first. Surround yourself with loved ones if possible, do things you enjoy creatively and physically. I’ve found this site to be really helpful and reading posts has given me strength.
I was with my partner for 5yrs+, and we had a lovely home for the last 3 and a bit of those years. Throughout our relationship we have worked through his depression, and always seemed to bounce back after an episode. This time though, I am dealing with my mum’s battle with advanced cancer and I’m trying to put all my energy into spending time with her.
In this aftermath, I’ve begun to realise that the depression my ex partner had was contagious. I spent so much energy in trying to help him that I completely forgot about myself. And a week prior to breaking up, I was at my most vulnerable (as my mum was in hospital and we were awaiting treatment options). Im still trying to get my head around what’s happened, how this loving and caring man has become so arrogant and distant. But reading the articles about fantasies of a new life has given me a deeper understanding of how the depressed partner tries to fill that empty void.
For me, I love him deeply and had envisioned us having a family and a life together. I’m not sure of your age (I’m 30, my ex is 35) and for me I know that I want to have a family in the next few years. And I’m now trying to move on with the idea that may not happen with my ex. Or if it does, we will need to build a new relationship. In the meantime, although ive instigated no contact, emotionally I am keeping the door open for friendship.
I’m still figuring out what’s best for me, and I suggest that you use this time to put that energy onto yourself. It’s all a process (and I feel like I’m just at the beginning of this), but I’ve found speaking to a therapist has helped to deal with the trauma I had been living with. So if you can, find people who you can speak to, and treat yourself when you can. You and your partner may be able to reconcile, but it will need to be on your terms too.
Also try not to look into this new person or how their new relationship develops, it will cause you more hurt. My ex had met someone on his best friends stag do -she lives in another country. I thought it was going to be a fleeting romance but it seems the intensity of this long distance relationship is what he needs right now. And to protect myself I’m giving space. I’m not saying this might happen to you, but it’s important to protect yourself, as when a depressed partner leaves for someone else there is another layer of hurt.
Sending you strength!
Thank you for your reply. Just feel no can understand the pain I am in so it’s good to know I am not alone. Sorry that sounds bad. I am in crippling pain and although he has done wrong I want him back and miss him terribly. I also think this other girl has just come along at a low point and paid him attention and he has had his head turned. Before that we were in a good rekationship. But he can’t see that at the moment and I fear whilst with her he won’t. And in the meantime I can barely function. Over 6 years together and new home and future plans all gone. I just wish I knew how to get him back x
Hi Anonymous, just wondering how things are for your now, has anything changed? Your situation is exactly the same as mine, and how you are/were feeling is where i am?
Also hope your mum has a good outcome and sending you all best wishes.
Do you want your ex back? I sure do. We had it good until recently but this girl is in the way. Obv he put her there but it’s too soon. Even if he was unhappy he went straight to her. That’s hurtful after several years together. I cant help but think of them both. I am becoming obsessed not with them but him. He is all I can think about. I would love a few days rest from it all but my brain won’t switch off x
Don’t worry I don’t think it sounds bad. I hear you with finding some comfort in knowing that others have faced similar difficulties. It helps to feel less isolated for sure! Thanks for your well wishes for my mum, it’s all a long journey.
Initially I did want my ex back, and there was some time that I would have taken him back with open arms. And although I still love him deeply, I know that we wouldn’t be able to go back to how we were if he did come back. I also have been quite clear with him how I feel, and so I’ve decided that for my situation I can’t chase him anymore. A lot has happened and there’s been a lot of hurt. But this is because there are some things he’s done I’m not able to forgive yet.
It sounds like he has put all of his difficult emotions onto this new person & is using her as a diatraction. If he’s on a high at the moment, he might also not be open to receive what you want to tell him. Sorry I’m not quite sure what you can say to bring him back. Nothing I did initially has worked.
I hope your situation improves and you can rest. But, do find some happy distractions & treat yourself if you can. x
were on the same situation my husband going through depression but he wont admit it and wont go to the doctor . He also want separation , he move out the house and now staying with his parents but most of his belongings is still here in the house . His been talking to this girl who’s married also he said his inlove with the girl. He blames me for everything his been cold and distant to me for the past weeks . I didnt see this coming since we have a good relationship . Theres some days we have ups and downs but we always work it out. Im glad i found this page at first i thought it was all my fault but now i see im not the only one dealing with this problem.
It’s so overwhelming how many of us are going through, or have already gone through this. So many comments and stories here.
I have been through this twice now with my deeply depressed partner, who walked out 6 months ago with no notice after failing to uphold his obligations with his kids (not my kids, but one was with us full time).
His depression is topped off with substance abuse.
And he is British and has a strong sense of therapy as either for weak people or as possibly dangerous as someone is playing with your mind.
So he woke up last week and did the whole thing again, but it was more personal, and he kept telling me we are incompatible (after almost five years) but he can’t name why.
He talks in circles, makes no arrangements for a home to go to, just runs to the only mutual friends we have which has really driven in a wedge there for me. So I blackmailed him to make him go to the ER for mental health assistance last Sunday. Best thing I ever did.
I told him if he did not go that day to seek treatment and get into a program of treatment, I would tell his very vindictive ex wife what had happened here over the last year, and I would contact CPS to tell them of his alcohol and weed usage to the point of blackout drunk/stoned in front of his 11 year old.
I basically said the gloves are off. You can leave, but you can’t take your kid down this road anymore. With me here, I keep things stable domestically, and I am invested in doing everything I can to arm this little girl against harm, because she has been left to her own by her family to survive, and I know how that feels. She is being groomed to be their caretaker. She is a little mini-me in this respect. I am her mentor, and she knows it.
So, he agreed to go. He started therapy. He was a little better and finally starting to go back to figure out when he stopped feeling anything. He has a ton of trauma in his past, beginning as an infant. It’s sad as hell.
Signing back on for a life with someone, when I am a suicide survivor of my fathers suicide, makes me very cautious.
I mostly wanted to say to anyone who reads my comment, please do this asap when your loved one walks out or detaches:
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.
It is super hard. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Tell your friends, family, get your butt to therapy yourself, or a support group. Seriously.
You have to focus on your own well-being, because your partner will not. And it is exhausting. You can’t fix what you did not break. If you want, try to be quietly available to be supportive, but make boundaries for that to protect yourself.
Eat, try to eat healthy. Go outside into the sunshine. Ask a friend to go out to restore any normalcy. And you will now know who your real friends are.
A close friend of mine is on the opposite side of this just as this is happening with me, and we are communicating non-stop, helping each other see our own part in how we got here, and reminding each other to focus on ourselves.
And we are sharing our story on social media, which is possibly the best use either of us have ever made of it. The number of people in the same boat is astounding.
Write. Tell your story. Look at your own life, and remember you have to let the baggage go. Drowning under the weight of someone else’ mental health issues is not noble. It is tragic. Be firm, insist they get help before they drag you back onto this ride, because if they don’t get help it ends the same over and over.
Know you are not alone and that you deserve love and this is not something you can fix. You must define what you can give and what hurts you, and what is just the depressed person taking from you. Boundaries. Self love. Self care. Prioritize these.
Completely agree, as someone who is going through the same. It’s not an easy path and more importantly it’s about being supportive in them getting professional help, realizing it is no one’s fault, and most of all taking care of yourself.
Which means setting boundaries. It’s just like any normal relationship, you always feel you deserve respect. It’s not something that’s likely to be given in this state. You have to adhere to everything you believed before. You can still love them, albeit quietly like you say, even at a distance. Whatever you can do to keep going, do it. Getting out in the world yourself, treating yourself well, and/or with friends.
One always has to remember depression isn’t a logical illness. Always remember that., The people they are closest to are the most affected because they involved deep-love emotional feelings, the very brain wiring that is mangled up the most due to the illness. It feels like a big anchor on them and it’s just easier to cut that so they can attempt to become normal, because they are already emotionally unavailable. Everything feels like how they could feel that way when just days ago they probably thought you were the world to them. Just make sure they get help.
Dear John
My wife of 15 years has recently moved into our son’s bedroom. First, she said that I was not at fault and that she had feelings and thoughts she could not control. As a result, she wanted to be alone. She admitted that what she was doing was unfair to me. First I thought that she may be having an affair until I realized she suffers depression. This was after she told me that life had no meaning for her anymore and that she was bored and tired.
When I suggested she get help for her condition, she claimed that she was not sick. Later, she claimed that the reason she moved to our son’s bedroom was because I was jealous and controlling. I am not like that at all. If at all, my wife has been the controlling factor in our relationship, not me.
Every time I try to speak to her, she is evasive, gets angry and wants to go to sleep. She refuses help. It was then that she told me that she’d been having these thoughts/feelings for 10 years. I had no idea. Previously, she could control these thoughts. She no longer has that ability. She refuses to interact with our 12-year-old son and ignores him. This is affecting him not to mention my own feelings of loss and sadness. She tries to avoid me although some days she is more communicative. Every time I speak with her, her story/explanation/goals change.
To ‘combat’ her depression, she has decided to go out every single day to ‘experience new things’. I am afraid that she will eventually leave me. She says she no longer loves me. She wants ‘freedom’. She’s become secretive of her cell phone, has inappropriate anger outbursts and generally blames me for everything negative that has happened to her over the past years.
When I told her that I loved her, asking her to come back to me, she just stared at me. She has no empathy. Her stare is cold. I don’t know this person.
After reading many forums on depression, you have accurately described what is happening. I quote: “The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this. First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving”.
You are spot-on, John. Thank you for this clear insight. But I cannot handle this for much longer. I need to get me and my son out of here, even if that means divorce.
Regards
James
This is exactly what my partner of 12 years has done. And we have a daughter nearly 10years.
He has finally last night admitted he has depression and that he doesn’t like to admit it and is going to the gp next wk on his wk off. He has also said he isn’t coming back home!
It’s the hardest thing to live with and I worry the medication may not work. Therapy will take to long! Our family will never be.
Hope your wife gets the help she needs and realises very soon what is standing right in front of her!
My boyfriend after 3 years just recently broke up with me 4 days ago because he said he’s been really depressed and does not know who he is anymore or what he likes or where he wants to live, he is 23 and I am 21. He just recently graduated college 1 year ago and I know he’s been struggling finding a good job that he loves because he has no clue what he wants to do. We’ve had our ups and downs and I am not perfect I did some unhealthy things in the relationship ( not super bad ) and he did some unhealthy things as well like not ever being able to communicate how he feels with me but I love him so much and I miss him so much. He is the kindest guy I’ve ever met and this is so hard for me because we have grown so close to each other over the last 3 years, our relationship wasn’t perfect but I knew that i would always learn from my mistakes to better ur relationships but the problem was was I was always the one fighting for him after arguments it never really seemed like he cared he just always asked for space when ever we would get into a huge argument. He is an introvert by the way and I am an extravert. Anyways he said that he can’t be committed to me anymore because he needs to focus on himself he says he loves me but he’s not in love with me anymore because he doesn’t love himself he was crying and I could tell he was being very truthful 🙁 i just want him back and I don’t know what to do! I txted him after the breakup and said “I love you with all my heart ????I’ll wait for you forever, I hope you think about what I said ( about just taking a break )and I hope you feel better soon and find what you are looking for in yourself please don’t respond to this but just know that the second you are feeling better I am here and I would love for you to contact me I’m never leaving your side even though you may not want this now I love you forever baby ????Goodbye.” I also told him that I am here for him now as well but he never responds because I told him not to. I am literally so heartbroken and feel so empty, we went on family vacations together spent hours watching our favorite show together and now all of sudden he’s just giving up. I noticed he started becoming distance the last 3 months of our relationship and when we broke up he said he was becoming distant because of depression. He also told me that he went to counciling 6 months ago which I never new about and said that he has been struggling…..I can’t let him go what do I do all I want to do is call him and ask him to talk I miss him so much he was literally the kindest gentleman I’ve ever met, not once out of 3 years did he not open my car door. He was that type of guy. What do I do 🙁 any advice will help please
I’m in the same boat as countless others. My boyfriend of 3 years suddenly moved out of our flat 10 weeks ago to live with his parents, he had a sudden depressive breakdown and was off work for a month. When it happened the change in him was so sudden, gone was my best friend and loving partner and in his place a cold, distant, selfish and sometimes arrogant man. He decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship, was happy by himself and refused to talk. All the plans we had made and trips booked abandoned. Sleeps most of the time and even though he is now back at work had stopped socialising or contacting his friends. His antidepressants have been upped and he is meant to be getting therapy. Over the last few weeks I thought there was an improvement as he asked me to see him and we had a few good days, although now I wonder if he was just using me for sex since his sex drive dramatically reappeared. Although gone again. But was so nice cuddling and Just doing normal things like eating takeaway and watching tv. Then after two weeks of improvement he went awol on me for 10 days. When I reached out he was cold and aloof again. Then he messaged me angry that I had been in contact with his best friend, wouldn’t believe me that I had Just been asking his friend to look out for him. Very paranoid and I’m unsure what he thought. Wanted me to send him screen shots. Then after being angry and then dismissive via WhatsApp he then asks if he can come round to sleep (he had still been at his friends). Comes round, spends the whole day and night sleeping and cuddling but doesn’t say anything. Then next morning coldly thanks me for letting him “crash”. Then last night he says he is going away for a week (news to me and to his Mum) and that he will collect the rest of his stuff when he’s back. Wouldn’t answer the phone. Said I “had my chance” to talk on Saturday night (even though I didn’t see him until Sunday and he wouldn’t talk and slept all day). I’m so ill and emotionally drained through this as over the last couple of months I’ve shown him nothing but love and in return he is treating me appallingly and controlling everything by what he wants. I’m so distraught and feel like he has trampled my self worth. He posts on social media like everything is fine and gets all the sympathy because he’s unwell but they don’t see his behaviour towards me, the woman he once loved and shared a life with. I feel like the old him died. This other him is just horrid to me and I hate myself for letting him because I think it’s just his depression. But where do you draw the line?
My lovely caring affectionate partner of 17 years left me in january due to his depression and him wanting to get through it alone. We went from being together everyday to maybe a whatsapp message every few days because he has pushed me away and shut me out. I know he is going through something terrible and I am really trying to understand, but I am also coping with losing him on my own. I love him. Miss him so very much and want him back. I want us back.
Your and my situation is almost the same. I was with my partner for 18years , happy and contented and always imagining we would be together forever. Then, last May he retired. He really struggled to adjust and, over the months until Christmas ,he was getting lower and lower. I tried to help ,but he really seemed to just be allowing things to get worse and he seemed powerless to change things. After Christmas, he started to drink more, he was always a nasty drunk, he became verbally abusive and aggressive. In the past ,those occasions were few and far between and I coped ,but three times in less than two weeks was too much. He knew how much he was hurting me and decided he needed to live on his own for two or three months to sort himself out. He was on antidepressants and was seeing a counseller.,but in truth neither seemed to help? We are still in touch by text, but messages were usually misconstrued , and we just seemed to be on different wavelengths. He would ask to see me , then cancel, I felt as though I was one an emotional piece of elastic, being pulled one way then the other. I just wanted to help and support and he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and answer to no one. I have really struggled to deal with everything ,I really hate being on my own, and still love him more than words can say. He left three and a half months ago ,whether he is any better in his head now, I don’t know. It’s so hard to let go, as there’s always a hope he will get back to his old self and want to come back, but hanging on to that hope, is probably stopping me moving forward. It’s been the hardest time of my life, let’s hope we can find away forward .
Going through this myself. After 6 years of marital bliss and then 3 years of my wife fighting depression she has left me to be alone. Im crushed.
I have a great family but not the woan i love.
Hi Bob ,I know how you feel. The way I describe it ,is that I’m now living in my house, it’s not a home anymore, now that there is only me here. I still miss him so much, but what made it worse was that in June he went on holiday with his neighbour downstairs and they are now an item. I found out on Facebook, apparently he was too weak to face me . He said this woman is a Samaritan and has helped him to gain his self respect and get off the antidepressants. It’s hard to come to terms with ,as when he left he said he just wanted to be on his own and do what he wanted to do with his life. Why can’t people be honest and truthful, it would have been so much easier to get over.
Recently he went to a wake for a mutual work colleague at a pub near where we both worked. He knew I would be there, luckily I changed my mind about going at the last minute. Not only did he go, but he brought the new woman with him! Two days later he wanted to be Facebook friends with me, I had defriended him when I found out about his new relationship.
I too have a great family but it’s hard to start all over again when you have been happy and contented all these years and never imagined it would end. Good luck, just keep going and don’t give as Winston Churchill once said !
Hi.
Thank you for this article. I had a short relationship with someone who left me because of depression. The relationship lasted only 5 months, and we met online and only saw each other in person for a week, so it was more of a promise than a solid relationship, unlike the ones others describe here. Nonetheless, we spoke every day on the phone, Skyped every evening, and wrote to each other all the time. we knew what the other was up to and were very supportive of one another. We are both professional writers, poets, in fact, so there was a very literary and intense aspect to our communications. We really seemed to have a lot in common, and our sensibilities, energy, beliefs, etc. seemed to resonate in an amazing way, and we were making all sorts of plans.
We were going to see each other in a matter of 2 weeks (he already had plane tickets), and after that we were going on another trip together for an entire month. But he ended things because of his depression… and I did not see it coming. He had just had some serious health scares, and his reaction was to push me aside, to want to talk less to me, to want to chat rather than talk. I suspect he was also drinking. I tried to get closer and offer support, but he withdrew very quickly: in a matter of one week he decided the relationship was over. He said he had absolutely no complaints about me, but he felt isolated and scared, and could not handle a long-distance relationship at the time. He wouldn’t listen to reasons… like the fact that we were just about going to see each other. He said he simply could not “sustain” a relationship (which made me see it seemed more of a burden than support), and he needed to take care of himself and “regroup.” He wouldn’t even say any of this over the phone: he said he couldn’t bear to talk to me, so he just did it over email.
I think I did the right thing, which was to say I understood (which I sort of do, actually), but that I thought the relationship we were starting was valuable and worthwhile. I said I was there for him if he needed me, even as just a friend, and he knew where to find me. But I am absolutely heartbroken. This has been more devastating to me than breakups from longer relationships, and although I’m in my late 40s, I feel like a teenager. I haven’t tried to contact him at all, unfollowed him on social media, but I am still in schock and sadder than I’ve ever been in a long time.
Reading your article, at least it seems that I’ve reacted in the best way possible. I’d love to hear any thoughts from others.
Hi Martha,
I’m in a similar situation and can relate to what you’re going through. It hurts to realize the one you love won’t let you in. If it helps, I did have the LDR come visit and I wish I hadn’t. I was blindsided by the depression and of not fault of his, I fell into a depressive state. He ended up leaving early.
Obviously, I’m looking at the internet for answers as well as I don’t have them. Has he cut off communication directly or indirectly? What I can say is that we have to focus on ourselves and hope that if this relationship is meant to be, then he will return more loving and capable of being in a long distance relationship with you! BIG hugs!!
Hi, Jan.
Thank you for you kind words. I find it so helpful to hear the experiences of others, and what you’re saying about what happened to you sounds pretty bad. It’s easy to get dragged down, isn’t it?
I’ll tell you how it was. He was waiting for exam, results. The previous evening he wouldn’t talk to me, and said he was taking a Xanax because he was so anxious. I sent him an encouraging message. I texted him early the next day, and told him I was there, and wating for the results too. A couple of hours later he said he had got the results, and they were bad. He said he had tried to be present and supportive of me, but he was too worried about all of this to be able to sustain a LDR. I wrote saying I understood, but I was sorry. I emailed afterwards again, because I wanted to know what his surgery entailed, and it turned out to be something not as bad as I expected, so I asked to talk, and he said talking was hard, we could text. I told him to remember that the idea was that long distance thing was temporary, to remember I was trying to get a job in his city, to remember we were going to meet soon, we were just starting, etc. He said something to the effect that he appreciated hearing that, but he just needed to do this, to “back off a bit” to focus on himself, and the that he and his son (?) had discussed that this was impossible. That was it. I wrote a short message later, asking how he was but got no more answers.
I guess you’re right, that if it’s meant to be, it is. I think that’s a good way to look at it. I also feel unsure about how a long-term relationship would be. As the days go by, I begin to think about myself too, you know? Do I want to go through something like this again, say, in a year?
Martha,
I read through many posts looking for someone more in my position, and that was you. Same thing. Long distance but was the most satisfying relationship of my life. He would wake up early early to FaceTime me for hours before his work. He lives in another time zone. 8 hours difference. He was the most amazing man I’d ever met. We weren’t looking but the connection was undeniable. Then recently, and just a month before we were to meet in the flesh for a 2 week holiday…he suddenly ends it. His depression is most likely situational due to the slow death of his father. He said he was hollow inside, in a hole, exhausted, doesn’t feel love or want love and he will only fail in our relationship. I was devastated as I know the love and connection is real. The hardes part is I am coming to his country in 4 weeks and he says he can’t see me because he doesn’t want to have his heart turn back around to me. That he just wants to be on his own. We haven’t spoken in 5 nights now and I’m very sad. Advice is welcome and needed. Sorry I can’t offer any to you. I wish you well and hope things turn around for you too!
Hi, Lori.
I’m sorry about what’s happening to you. I’ve read somewhere that long-distance relationships can be very intense, because people tend to communicate very honestly and they are willing to overlook minor things and not fuss over trifles. Mine certainly was, and it sounds like yours was too.
I’m still very sad… I last heard from him over a month ago, when he wrote a short email saying he really hoped I was ok, he was getting ready for surgery, and he was tired, “hanging in there.”
For a while I tried to get out there, even went on a few dates, but I realize I’m not ready. I’m just going to concentrate on myself for a while. I decided to take a break from social media— we’re still Facebook friends, and it hurt me to see his (few) posts, that show he’s not OK. I also wanted to stop him from seeing my life, you know? I don’t even know if he looks at my posts, but I think it’s better if I’m silent, because that’s really more consistent with what I feel.
I know some people say not to give space to someone who is depressed, but in a relationship like ours, I feel it’s different. What good would it do to keep sending emails? I think I would only annoy him.
So I’m not exactly waiting, but I want to let some time go by. There are a few reasons why I could write to him later, but I’m going to let the summer go by, and then, later on, maybe try to establish some kind of friendly contact. It seems like so little, but that’s all I can think of.
So my only advice is to take care of yourself. I tried to leave the door open, and I feel that is the only thing I can do. Try to be good and kind to yourself.
I know this has been a year ago. but seeing your post is exactly as mine. Although we were physically together but only 3 mos. but it really was the best I’ve ever felt. He was nonjudgmental (i’m barren, and he accepted it). We had so much odd synchronicities, he was orphaned and grew up at a charity I was involved with for years. we are both artists, like the same bands know one knows about. we have the same humor. he was loving sweet and considerate. his “big brother” from the orphanage program, who became his father/brother figure, reached out to me to say “thank you for making him happy, he has struggled so much in life and to hear him happy is such a relief”. we are born the same month and same age. 39, so this isn’t a puppy love. And then, on our 7th week he got sick, cough that lasted for over a month, that’s when he became depressed. Up until our 2mos together, he consistently told me that he sees me in his future. but he has pulled away. I tried my best to remind him how amazing he is. gave him space, after the depression we’d only see each other every other 2 weeks. and 3 days ago, he messaged me that he doesn’t see anything “substantial” will come out of us. and that he thinks I knew it already. that he just wants endless space alone. I’m crushed, my heart is broken. he kept reassuring me before the breakup that isn’t wasn’t us. and days before he broke up with me through text, he texted me saying he is missing me. I am absolutely devastated. he also stopped being interested in most things. me, sex, bowling and eating out. he only works and stays in bed and ubereats everything. The only thing he does is play video games with his gamer friends online, but none of them knows he is depressed. I love the man. I know he love(d) me too. knowing he’s an orphan, I reached out secretly to his big brother. he was actually very grateful for letting him know, that he was — and is— rooting for us to work out just based on how he has told him about me and the fact that even if I was dumped, I am still worried for his mental health. we exchanged under 6mssgs in the text breakup, and have not talked for 3days now. I really have no plans of contacting him. I am hurt by what he said but I don’t hate him. during the breakup text, I made a mistake of actually saying that he might be thinking of getting back with an ex cos in one of his episodes he was contemplating about “should he have a family by now?” “Is that what I should be”. he really is lost. has become apathetic, total opposite. I’m letting him have the space but do not want to let go. but don’t want to chase him either.
I just wanted to air this out.
I’ve never done anything like this before but feel lost…
My husband of 6 years but partner or 17 years left the family home 2 months ago. He’s been a compulsive gambler for before and all our married life. He’s had times of self control but the financial impact has been long lasting and has put strain on our relationship. Eventually he identified that he didn’t want to live like this anymore and sought lasting help over a year ago. The counselling changed him beyond belief. He withdrew from family life and begun building new friendships outside all family and linked friends. He distanced himself from even his closest friends or was superficial when with them. This process happened slowly but the impact has been ginormous. He did the counselling left him feeling numb and unable to enjoy anything, even the kids and things like football which he loved. He was and I believe is a good dad but his lost his way.
His gambling has always been a secret and the true extend of the impact has never been shared-even with family or friends. He says the counselling has helped him overcome his addiction but it seems to have opened what I believe to be the underlying problem. A deep seated depression that was masked by the highs and lows of gambling and the lies that come with covering it up.
When he left we saw each other as a family for about 4 weeks and discussed him moving home. The crunch moment came and he just never pitched. He’s been texting and calling other girls and has admitted that it fills a void and makes him feel good. He’s acknowledged he has depression I.e feeling very low in his words and says he’s sort help with tablets. He’s spoken to no family and has had limited contact with friends so his well-being is not being challenged. He’s telling his old friends lies about where he’s staying so nobody knows where he’s living. It seems men don’t seem to challenge each other so he is able to hide in this way. He’s socialising with his ‘new’ friends but they know nothing about who he is or what’s happening in his life.
He has nearly daily contact with me via text as I’d rather keep lines of communication open but nothing overly serious. He says he’s written to me expressing his feelings but has never sent it. He knows I’d like to make the marriage work and will be patient-ish but not made a fool of. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave for good if that’s what he wants or just make a greater effort and then I’d feel we were on the same page.
A week ago we met and I thought all was going well again but then we were due to meet up and a no show! He won’t commit to or leave the relationship for good. He says he will meet me but never pitches or pulls out last minute now just saying he doesn’t know what he wants, or what to say to me. It’s killing me and leaving me to deal with the children wanting to see their dad but I can’t say when or why he can’t see them. I keep searching online for anything remotely similar to see if there are positive outcomes or how long does it take or if my situation is so unique we are an anomoly.
I guess when is it time to let it go and live knowing that if I’d waited it could have been ok or is it just too much hurt and pain to heal from? Over the years we’ve been through so much together and I had hoped our love was strong enough to overcome anything. I’m fearful of him making irrational decisions particularly around women and money because he hasn’t got a level head to challenge him or be accountable to. He will the. Feel worse and the depression worsens. I’m petrified that the impact of some of these mistakes will be too long lasting and will do anything to try and be there for him so that he doesn’t fall fowl of something silly or that he regrets because he couldn’t rationalise his choices at the time. Is there anything that can be done to help or is this just the norm? Any help or support would be valued-the lost and helpless wife or a lost husband! X
When I read your post I had to respond. I have been reading these posts for months…looking for insight and (dare I say) hope. I, too, have a husband who has become a gambling addict. We have been married for 21 years and together for 30. Our once wonderful marriage has been destroyed by his untreated depression/mental illness. He moved out (abruptly) over 6 months ago. I can really identify with your situation. My spouse has also disconnected from family and friends, maintains his “secrets” and masks everything well (especially at work). He has been prescribed medication but does not take it, has been to a counselor but only sporadically, lies to his family doctor and is now at the phase where he believes his marriage is “holding him back”. He has ruined us financially and does not seem to care…our life savings are gone. I agree about your concern regarding the impact of irrational choices. I see him worsening with each passing month (mentally and physically). I’ve learned that depression plus gambling can be very challenging to overcome (and very serious). I’m at the point where I can’t let his poor decisions and behavior be so damaging to me and have filed for divorce (but only to protect myself legally/financially). Like everyone else, this is not the path I WANT but the one being forced upon me. I, too, thought our love and everything we’d gone through together would sustain us and I would do anything to save our marriage. I know how hard that is to reconcile, though…hope and love and past history with this seemingly completely different person. My husband is like a stranger to me now…cold, lying, manipulative and abusive. It’s like he has become emotionally dead. Creating a “new existence” for himself is all he cares about (no matter how unhealthy or destructive it is).
The pain and anxiety this has created for me has been overwhelming. I have learned the meaning of becoming an “emotional widow”. Being betrayed but someone you loved and trusted so completely can be devastating. Taking the best “self-care” measures helps (seeing a therapist, etc.). Every day has been a struggle but hopefully time will work its magic someday. As for now, I continue to love and miss the man he once was while being devastated by the man he has become. Mental illness has many casualties.
Hi
So sad to read but beneficial to know I am not alone , I feel I am reading my own story here. I am in a similar situation and feel I am on an emotional rollercoaster with my husband of 32 years (together 38), we share 3 amazing kids together (young adults now) and like yourself my husband left abruptly a year ago and was away for 6 months . I am not sure if he gambles as we now have separate bank accounts however I do believe he is smoking ‘grass’ which has increased his paranoia. He has detached from me , our family and all our close friends and appears to be angry at the world most of the time, I never know from day to day what man I am getting. My next stage is to try to buy him out of our family home as I feel I have lost enough without losing my home too. I thought my marriage was strong and that our love would be enough but sadly we are now on different pages . He is evasive most of the time and only sees one friend who I know very little about (the one he lived with for 6months) going to his most nights straight from work and coming home around midnight. I go from thinking there might be someone else involved to thinking there can’t possible be with his erratic mood swings. He is verbally abusive and emotionally shut down , I barely recognise him and now need to move on with my life before I become ill. He moved back in to the family home after a disagreement with his ‘friend’ and expected me not to ask any questions and just pretend the previous 6 months had not taken place. I love him with all my heart but do not like the man he has become , I now realise I can’t be responsible for his happiness and can only hope that one day we can become friends. Mental illness is so difficult to understand .
Hi Patricia.
I hope you are weathering the storm. I know how incredibly overwhelming these situations can be. It’s so hard to process and make sense of all the conflicting emotions (do I “love” him today or “hate” him today?). I know that seeking a divorce is the logical/rational step to take for my self-protection, but it’s been tough to deal with when my heart really isn’t in it. I had to meet with him recently for mediation after several months of no contact and I was shocked by his appearance, demeanor and behavior. Time has had him worse, not better (and of course divorce has made me the enemy). Like you, I know that I can’t be responsible for fixing him or the situation. It’s so surreal when it seems like I’ve been dealing with two completely different men. But I also know that the one I have to contend with now is the current “version” of him. My hope is that my heart can mend once the legal side is finalized. It’d be nice to believe in the idea of “light at the end of the tunnel”.
I’m glad you have your kids for support. Wishing you, and all the other hurting partners, hope and healing.
Hi Patricia,
Your story is very similar to mine. I have been married for 22 years, together for 27. My husband and I have 3 wonderful kids together, who have been my saving grace. My husband has slowly withdrawn over the last 4-5 years or so to where he’s there physically, but not emotionally. Every time I try to talk to him about it, it turns into a fight. Every time I suggest therapy to him, he thinks I’m nuts for even bringing it up. He’s distanced himself from everyone he used to be close to. He wants very little to do with me outside of the kids. I can’t say he’s mean to me, he’s completely civil, just totally a different person. He’s had trauma in his life over the past 10 years with his father dying and becoming estranged from his closest sibling, but instead of leaning on me for help and support now he’s completely turned the other way. He says things to me like “I’m just waiting to die” and “what is the point of life”. Doesn’t seem like he enjoys very many things either. He covers it up beautifully when he sees people in person, but the second he’s out of their sight, he’s back to his depressed self. Don’t even know what to do, as one day I feel like I can’t go on with him and the other it scares the hell out of me to be without him. Wishing you luck on your journey and know that you’re not alone.
I’m struggling and I’ve hurt him. We’ve been together 4 months, not that long but long enough for me to fall for him.
He’s 45 and ususlly a very strong minded, confident, high testosterone male.
He works hard and a month or so ago had to work extra, then he got an infection on a cyst in his man bits, he’s always called and txt me at least 2-3 times a day.
He lives in a flatshare with another guy and has always shut himself away, even before we met.
I’ve never pressured him as I have a history of severe depression which needed hospital treatment, i’ve been stable and positive for 11 years, I also have an elder daughter with borderline and asd.
My man started to not want to see so much of me but was calling everyday, I kept getting txts of how bad he felt which was bringing me down, not that. I let on.
The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago and he was pleased to have me there until the next morning. He usually cuddles up, says I make him happy, he slept on his side of the bed and he just wasnt ‘there’.
Then he txt and called until a few days ago when he said he wanted some time on his own, that he’d explain and call that evening, he’d spent 2 days thinking about us he said. He never called, so I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to find out what he needed.
This made me feel so bad as I hardly call him
So I stupidly messaged him and told him It was ok as I felt my strength was going, and I couldnt take his behaviour and to get in touch when he could cope better. I felt guilty cos I know it’s not his fault so I sent him a much nicer message telling him it was ok, take as long as he needed and I wasnt going anywhere if he needed me, and that I trustec him to work this out for himself.
He doesnt have many friends, and spends his time in his room, I couldnt understand why he was able to go and watch the boxing and have a meal, yet won’t even spend 5
Minutes with me.
We get on so well, were really close, he’s said this has nothing to do with me..huh? That’s so confusing..
I want to help, he won’t let me, I don’t want to lose him..we haven’t said its over and I know this is the least of his worries, but I’m lost, I feel so rejected. I can’t afford to get ill again.
I’m worried my message has screwed it all up.
He doesnt deserve this, he’s such a loyal and amazing man.
I havent messaged him for 2 days amd intend to leave him a bit. I can’t understand any of it.
Any luck?
No nothing, 10 days no contact, but i’m getting stronger and caring less and less about him. Have been working on my own self esteem as have had a lot of his rejection.
I keep beinf un between I want to be with him and then not, I sent him one final message tellinf him i’m taking my kids away to centreparcs and that i’m doing well. Asked him if I should move on or what his intentions are, he hasnt even read it.
Wish he’d have just said he didnt want to be with me anymore instead i get ‘I want to focus on myself with kisses in it’ and he’s previously said his depression has nothing to do with us…
Going to give him 60 days of no contact on day 2 and staying away from any other men so I can focus on myself. Going to some seminars to pick up my self esteem.
Why do they have to ignore us, i’m the first to give him space, they punish us for having feelings…
“I’m the first to give him space, they punish us for having feelings.” I agree with you: it feels like punishment, it feels like they’re angry with us. I’ve been reading as much as I can… what I find is that they feel everything is so dark, they can’t deal with relationships.
Hoa are you doing now?
This has helped me so much. I’m going through the same thing as my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me a month and a bit ago.
He wasn’t my first ever boyfriend at age 18 and was the best thing that’s ever came into my life. Brought me the happiest times and was always an incredible boyfriend.
Over the past while he has displayed many symptoms of depression following a bereavement and he stopped going to councelling. He sleeps so much and doesn’t seem to do much, other than go to work. He hasn’t very poor self esteem issues.
He broke up with me Saying I deserve so much better, that I am too good for him, that I deserve someone like myself and that he was a burden on me and told me he hadn’t very negative thoughts including suicidal thoughts and that he can’t handle the pressure of a relationship right now. It hurt and it still does but I respected his decision. We still talk but about mundane things and never about how he is doing, I know he hasn’t other friends he can talk too so I’m not to worried about that. I miss him so much, like I miss everything so so much. Like all I want to do is climb into bed with him and sit in silence watching a movie, just as long as he was there? I’m a mothering friend naturally so I have such a need and desire to help him and be there for him but that is not what he needs from me right now. I send him encouragement indirectly and he thanks me for it. I just really miss him, the way he used to be especially- kind considerate loving caring funny bubbly and my best friend. I know he is going to be okay eventually but my patience needs major work. I just hope when he does feel okay he doesn’t forget about me, even though he says he won’t I’m afraid he will.
I recently found out from a mutual friend that he thought incredibly highly of me. She showed me messages they exchanged and they made me feel sad and happy. He said I was the most influential person in his life and that I made him really happy and that he was so thankful that he had me in his life.
He said recently he is going back to councelling and I hope they help him through this properly so I guess time will really tell if we ever get back.
I know this doesn’t begin to cover everything that went down but I wanted to post now, so hopefully in the future I can come back and bring some hope.
I hear you all loud and clear, we’re going through a life lesson none of us asked to learn. I stay hopeful for all of you that things will come back and flourish again. I need advice from anyone on the other side or who has been experiencing this for a while.
How can I help him? Where do I draw the line? Will he ever open up again to me? How do I make him see that I love him unconditionally?
Thank u for this thread, so nice to see I’m not alone and that this is s regular occurance and I’m not going mad!
Remain strong. My girlfriend finally pushed me away for good. Her best friend moved away, lost a family member and we went through an abortion.
This threw her into a deep depression. We both were in denial but the love we felt for one another, when the depression bit or boiled over she began to change suddenly I was annoying, or a nuscance. It was a roller coaster of hi’s and lows. She refused to seek any professional help and me even suggesting that was attacking her.
I slowly became the enemy. The last six months she was mix of quick tears and extreme jolts of happy but distant and very negative. All efforts of a healthy relationship faded and I was putting in all the work, until the blows offs started happening. I told her let’s take a breath and give us little space, she was confused and didn’t not like talking about her depression or how she was treating the relationship. Accountability only caused more tension.
Couple weeks of doing our own thing, texting and talking on the phone seemed okay or somewhat normal, until we met up. It led to her weeping uncontrollably in public. Seeing her like this sad and hurt destroyed me knowing that I was helpless and only harming us. I drive her home.
I’m pretty shaken up, hurt, and bummed the fuck out. But I simply texted her That I love her, I’m here if she needs I’m and or to talk if she wants.
End of the road. Three days know nothing. I’m assuming the worst (I no longer make her happy, love gone and another man in her life) and moving on.
I have work stress and an aspiring artist so time in at this point in my life, would most likely be destructive. Just writing this out helped a little.
So here I again go feeling hella jaded and salty, like all my efforts in love and relationships were futile. Time build up my walls, focus on my career and ignore the “relationship” course. Good luck to all of you. It wont be easy but you will all find strength to carry on. ✌️
I NEED HELP PLEASE.
My ex girlfriend and I were very happy until I started feeling suspicious of who she talked to and what she talked about every time I asked her she would say it was nothing important but this was an everyday thing she would hang up a call with me just so she could talk to “friends” we had a serious talk about this and I asked if she could give me her password to her email but found nothing there so we forgot about this. Later on the same thing continued to happen I opened up to her and told her how I felt about her talking to so many guys on social media that flirt with her and she couldn’t tell them she was in a serious relationship so she “wouldn’t hurt” them but she really didn’t understand so I was curious one night she started taking forever to reply to my messages and without her knowing I did log on to her Instagram to see she goes along with the guys she flirts with and was sending naked pictures of herself to another guy. I tried to make her feel guilty about it and make her confess without me telling her I went through her Instagram but she was able to lie to my face so I told her “I know what you did on Instagram” she went on to say how she didn’t care about this guys because she doesn’t feel the same “romantic affection” with them like she does with them so I told her to leave them and she couldn’t for whatever reason she couldn’t. I really don’t know how but I forgave her without her even apologizing to me and I felt like the bad person when I wasn’t. Everything was good until the exact same thing happened but this time she still doesn’t know I found out she was flirting and sending nude photos to another guy. I still love her so much and would do anything to be with me even after this but I knew I had to break up with her if I wanted to keep her in my life at least as a friend. So I did and the next day explained to her why I did what I did but she didn’t care she said “I hate you because you said you loved me but hurt me” When I tried to explain to her how sad and heart broken I felt she would say stuff like “fuck you” and I pretty much asked her “Do you want to be friends?” she told me “idk” so I said “ok let me put it this way do you want me to leave you alone for good?” She said “I. DON’T. CARE.” So I apologized for everything I did which I never did anything wrong and never accused her of what she did wrong I wished her well and if she ever needed someone to talk to i would be here. Later that day I try to relax and play some video games when I came home and my first online session she happened to be in my same game… These odds were just mind blowing and I tried messaging her i’m sorry and that she will always be in my thoughts and she just said I was a douche but I promise you I was the opposite of that but she doesn’t see it not once did I call her a name raise my voice even when she did wrong things and was unloyal multiple times. She ended up saying “What’s the point of living anymore if i’m just going to keep getting hurt” that was the last time I heard from her and I asked a friend and he said she stopped texting him after she said this to me, I got on her Instagram again to see if she was at least messaging people but she didn’t reply to them either. I was in panic because I could only think what if she is thinking of suicide and I have no way to get in contact with her or maybe she was cutting herself which breaks my heart because she doesn’t seem to understand that I love her some much and care for her but I tried messaging her on Snap around 8pm she never opened it so. I was going to wait a day until I was thinking of calling her grandma to check on her but thankfully she read my message on snap in the morning but never replied. I want this to work out and if not I want to at least be friends with her. I just don’t understand because she told me earlier she still had feelings and she hides how she is really feeling I really didn’t think she was thinking like this but now I don’t want to leave her but don’t know what to do please help me. I need help.
My partner of 4 years has been depressed for 6 months and ended the relationship 6 weeks ago. It was a very hard period of time to get through the depression and I could feel him sleeping away, talking about suicide and so on. He got on medication and things looked better. Somehow it just didn’t feel right. He changed, bought new clothes, pushed me away. Whenever I said something about it, he told me to stop thinking like a fool. He was sick and I shouldn’t worry.
6 weeks ago he sent me a text message saying we were done. After that no more communication. It was a really hard time for me, no answer, not a clue what was going on. He blocked my phonecalls (called him twice a week), no reply to my email. I wasn’t stalking, just trying to get back in touch. He didn’t open the door when I was at his house.
One morning I decided to go to his house one last time to talk. I loved him so much, he was the love of my life. We had such a wonderful relationship up until the depression.
He had no clue I was there (new car) so he opened the door. He was angry to see me but he did want to talk to me. After 6 hours of talking he told me he started seeing someone one month before breaking up. And she was living with him after two weeks (so he was already living with her before breaking up). My world fell apart.
It’s somethin I find so difficult to deal with. How can you go from a happy relationship to breaking up and living with another woman?
None of our friends understand any of this behaviour. I”m heartbroken. My trust is gone. Everyone says he’ll be back within a few weeks because he did this out of his depression. I don’t know, and I don’t know if I ever want him back into my life. I so sad, destroyed. It’s never been this hard to heal my broken heart. Most probably because of the heavy months of depression prior to his living.
He said he used to love me somehow, but this new woman is all he ever wanted. Which is strange because he always told me how our relationship incredible, his love for me beyond words.
I wouldn’t talk him back, he lied and cheated. I couldn’t get intimate after all this.
But I still love him so much. My parents tell me not to get involved again. I should go on with my life, get strong again and move on.
That’s what they all tell me, go on with my life and move on. But just like you, I still love my depressed ex boyfriend. From what I read and learned about depression, depressed partners believe that this new relationship could fill the emptiness and loneliness they feel inside
They also think that why would they stay in their current relationship if they’re not happy with it anymore. In short, they blame the relationship for their unhappiness. Somehow, they feel this contributed to their loneliness.
This is so true with my ex.. Our difference is, he answers me whenever I ask him about what he feels and what he thinks..But he always tells me that I will never find the answer to my questions. I’m still lost in all of this. I hope you have the courage to move on..
Thank you very much for your reply. Sorry for my typo’s, I was on my phone and auto correct changed a few words.
He doesn’t blame the relationship, he said it was good from the beginning till the end. But he met the other woman a few years prior to our meeting and she contacted him. He was depressed and it made him happy to get all this attention from someone he used to fancy. She knew he was in a relationship. He said he always loved the way our relationship was but the feelings he experiences with her are all he wants. I knew about her, he told me how they met all those years ago. But they lived in different countries and well, she now lives with him.
I will move on. I’m seeing a therapist and the crying is getting less and less. I still love him deeply. I care about him, just like you still do.
This sounds like manic depression to me. It sounds like he is in a state of mania where he is obsessed with this new woman and doing reckless things like leaving a longterm relationship and jumping into things very quickly with this new woman. I don’t think it will last with her, mania normally lasts a few months then often a bout of depression follows where he may want to return to the comfort of your relationship but I would say do not take him back if he does return as the same will happen again unless he gets help (lithium to stabilise mood and therapy too) if he doesn’t this will continue. I dated someone for 5 months with bipolar and was with him in his state of mania (I only know that now) where he spent LOTS of money on us I assumed he had but soon told him not to (suggested walks, cycles etc that are fun and free), booked BIG holidays, bought a motorbike, wanted to move in, get married, start a family despite having 3 children to 2 other woman. He was all about me and him, completely full on and so intense and then all of a sudden, I’m not strong enough for this relationship with everything else in my life, I can’t cope, I’m struggling, you deserve better and haven’t heard from him since (2 months) x
My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 4 months ago. I think he’s depressed. He dumped me as his girlfriend but says I’m still his best friend. He said he’s not happy and feels so alone, doesn’t see any future for both of us. He said he’ll never find someone who can really make him happy.
My bf parents separated when he was still a child. Both his parents remarried. He grew up jumping from his mom’s house, to his dad’s house, to his grandparents house. I think he has abandonment issues which stemmed from his childhood. Depression also runs in his family because his Mom tried to kill herself before. He also has issues with his past relationships. His wife doesn’t want to give him annulment (no divorce in our country). He doesn’t have the financial capability to pursue the annulment. He hates his work now but couldn’t resign because he needs to pay his bills and all. I am no doctor but from what I read, the symptoms he has and his background, I really think he has depression.
I supported him all those 7 years, all aspects. That’s why I was really hurt. But because I think he has depression, I still try to understand what he is going through. In fact, I’m trying to accept the friendship he is offering even it hurts so much.
I’m just so confused. He admits that he is so scared to grow old alone but then again why did he leave me.
He can be friends with me but not see me as his girlfriend. We talk on the phone sometimes. We go out for a drink sometimes. We cry together. And I agreed to be intimate with him again. It’s such a roller coaster ride. I don’t know where I stand. Although, he tells me that he wishes me well and that I find someone who will reall love me.
I am confused. Or am I just in denial?
I think youre in denial love. It sounds like he’s using you as a crutch and is manipulating you. I know its hurtful but satisfying his needs while neglecting your own will lead to more heartbreak.
I can’t tell you how everyone’s comments help. I am not alone. Our stories are so similar. My BF of almost 2 years just shut me out. In the middle of January we had a difference of opinion about me spending the night at his house with his 22 year old soon there. He couldn’t understand that I didn’t feel comfortable. He basically cut off all communication with me, wouldn’t answer texts. I didn’t try to call as he said he wouldn’t answer. This went on for a week. He finally answered me and we spent the next 10 days like normal. We had been looking at houses together. Then all of a sudden he stops texting and calling. I called him on the 7th and that’s when he told me that he is in another bout of depression. He has suffered for years, does not take medication, has seen a counselor, and had a suicide attempt over 10 years ago. We made plans to see each other that weekend. Friday afternoon he cancels. I knew that it was depression and that I needed to give him space. He said we’d see each other the next day (Saturday). Needless to say, we didn’t. He never contacted me. I didn’t hear from him until Valentine’s Day when I sent a text saying I ❤️U. He sent back ditto. I took that as a good sign that I was reaching him. Nothing for 3 days until he sent a text telling me he had something that he had ordered for me. He ended up leaving it for me at my work. I called him to thank him and we talked for an hour. Started out normal but changes to the situation. We talked about a lot of things that have been going on and what I’ve learned about myself in this. He also told me that I had made him want to leave by snapping at him and changing my mind about wanting to participate in swinging. No, not dancing, but partner swapping. I don’t want to do it but had kept an open mind in the beginning. Now I’m starting to wonder if this is just an excuse to back out of a relationship where he is afraid I’ll leave. I realize that depression makes men want to do things to feel something, which is what I think the swinging is about. I can’t help but wonder if he comes back, if I should end things. We never broke up, I have stuff at his house and he at mine. We are both in our 50s. I love him and I want to support him, but his behavior is not good. Is this just depression or does it go deeper? I truly feel for all of you. I have run the gamut of emotions from hurt to mad. Now I’m realizing I hold the power, not him.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs, as all marriages do, but always loving each other, loving our children, loving our life that we’ve built together. About 10 years ago, an entire slew of life events came and changed the dynamic of our entire family…my husband’s father died (his best friend), he became estranged from his only sibling, the business that he had built was no longer viable, and to top it all off a medical issue was brought on that kept him pretty much bed ridden for close to 6 months, with another few to recover following a surgery after that. All of this has completely changed his life and his focus, but I have stood by his side ever minute, never once wavering my support of him or of our family. I take care of absolutely everything regarding our family and household demands, while giving him room and space to “figure things out.” Inside I’ve become so resentful of the fact that I’ve done all of this for him, and even though he knows it inside, doesn’t often give me the credit that is due. He has completely withdrawn from any intimacy with me, to where I rarely get a kiss as he walks out the door, hugs are unheard of, and you’d think sex was a deadly game to play. This is tearing me apart. I know he’s depressed. I’ve tried to get him in therapy, something which he “doesn’t believe in” and “doesn’t think it will help” him, but begrudgingly he went a few times. Apparently he doesn’t need a therapist to tell him what’s wrong with him, he’s completely aware of all of his faults, and why he is the way he is right now. He’s tired of me trying to “fix” him by telling him he needs to talk to someone, but at this point I’m starting to break down. My kids are the only thing that keep me going and it scares the hell out of me that my oldest will be gone in a few years. I’m not quite sure how much more time I can give him to figure things out…when I confess my feelings to him, they’re never taken seriously, I can almost always feel an eye roll as I speak. Obviously he has been through trauma, but I’m supported him unconditionally and loved him through it all only to be shit on in the end.
My boyfriend broke up with me on January 20, 2018. I never even saw it coming. He behaved that day as normal texting me throughout the day to check in. Just regular stuff. When he got to my house later to hang out he sat down for conversation about what we had done during the day and then broke the news that “he can’t do this anymore” and that he is not in love with me. We were only 2 weeks away from the two year mark in our relationship. He had told me early on that he had dated a woman for two years and had to rip off the bandaid when he felt they had become bored like an old married couple and that the relationship was just focused around their kids. He felt two years was enough to know whether he wanted to commit. As we neared our two year period I felt that what we had was strong and still exciting at least to me and felt very confident that such a fate was not possible for us as I thought he valued me and our closeness. Anytime I voiced any insecurities he firmly said I was over analyzing and that he was in it for the long haul. He had told me at the start that he wouldn’t be able to take any major steps until his daughter had graduated college which would be 5 years from then. I was ok with that since I wasn’t in a rush and not planning to have children. So when he made his announcement that day that he no longer wanted to continue, I was in great shock. It just felt like a bad dream and I never saw it coming. I could barely think straight and couldn’t collect thoughts enough to respond much except express anger and sadness. I told him I had trusted him and opened myself up to him. He said he loved me but was not in love with me and wasn’t able to take it to the next level with me or maybe ever with anyone. Later in the week I texted him to ask why he didn’t at least let me know this earlier on when he first started feeling this way so I could at least decide if I wanted to continue. He didn’t respond to that but did say his heart has been absent lately and both of us deserve to be happy and never meant to hurt me and that he was truly sorry.
That was 1/28 and I have not made contact since then and do not intend to at this moment although have considered it. But since then I have been thinking about what has changed with him in the past 6 months or so. It is that he had become tired all the time, expressed that he has no motivation, just wanted to go home and lie on the couch and watch tv. He was constantly upset over his daughter ‘s demands of him, lack of gratitude for all he does, and her threats to drop out of her prestigious college and move to LA. He also had many sleepless nights , a sudden change to his job role, lack of appetite, high college bills, weight gains, little regard for his health, no exersize, no sex drive, irritated over minor things or anger while driving, constant upset stomach, colds that go on for a long time and ear aches. When he had a cold, he didn’t sound like it to me. He also said he thinks his ear hurts but isn’t sure. This actually was on the morning he broke up with me. I was wondering how do you not know if your ear hurts.
I kept telling him over the past several months that he needs to stand up to his daughter and let her know who is in charge and take care of himself before he runs himself into the ground. It didn’t matter what I said because he never followed my advice but continued to complain. I never knew much about depression and did not know that what he showed me were signs of it. I just thought he was just not good at coping. I grew up with a mother with mental illness but hers was much different than how his depression looked so it wasn’t recognizable to me.
His daughter reaches out to me and let me know she wants to continue to have me in her life and that she loves me. This made me happy to hear and she does continue to be in touch, but I’m not sure how it will go.
Only after we broke up did it occur to me to look up depression and learn about it. And now finding this website I see so many others have experienced something similar with a SO who suddenly terminates the relationship without warning or much signs. I had been telling him that he needs to start making changes to improve his health and how he deals with stress because it is affecting our relationship. I told him he has been stressed most of the past 6 months or so every time I see him. He had said near Christmas that he was so tired of taking care of the dog that he was ready to give him away. He loves that dog. Later as it turned out I was the one who got cut out.
He was very excited and expressive in the beginning. He expressed his love for me within only the first month or so. We went on 2 trips abroad and another in the US within the first year and a half. He already appeared very loving and devoted to me. It’s just so confusing to me. He had a really awful first marriage where his ex wife cheated on him and tried to take their daughter to the other side of the country. He fought and obtained full custody and raised her alone. I know all of this has left deep scars. He just got to this stage of life where she reached 18 and he could congratulate himself for doing it alone. He had been so happy for a while. His reason for letting me go was so he could focus on himself as he said he is a mess.
I never would have thought he would do something like this and it makes it very hard to trust someone again.
I don’t know if he even realizes he is depressed and should get help for it. He hides it well to people on the outside. I thought about contacting him to tell him to get help but family tells me I should just let him go as he was willing to hide it from me and cut me off and that I should just focus on taking care of myself now. I got so close with his family too as he included me in all of their gatherings which were frequent. It’s a huge loss that is heartbreaking in so many ways.
That this occurred is very frightening to me. It is amazing to see so many other similar stories and knowing about this disease gives me comfort in understanding what he may be going through and why he had to break up. From what I read I know that a depressed person can’t connect to feelings much anymore and maybe that would explain the “not in love feeling” he expressed. I am grateful to read these articles and the many stories of people who have dealt with something similar and how they managed.
I found this article to be very helpful. My wife and I have been happily married for 19 years, then 4 months ago it was like a switch went off and she has been depressed since. We were so in love, now she says that she doesn’t love me anymore and thinks of me as more of a friend. She has told me that she has even considered divorce, which 4 months ago she said that she didn’t believe in divorce and that she would always try everything before it got to that point. She has been pushing to move out the last month, leaving me and children, which is completely unlike her. I was able to convince her to see a therapist and she has start taking medication, I have seen a lot of improvement in the last two weeks. But every night I am afraid that even if she gets better, she will have to room left in her heart for me.
I’m so thankful to have found this article. My partner of 8years turned around to me 2 weeks ago and said that he didn’t want this anymore and that he needed to be on his own. Totally on his own. We’d lived together for 5years at his parents house and were due to move out into our own home this year. Now he says he wants to get his own flat to just be totally on his own, away from everyone. I’m devastated. We’ve had a really tough year due to an unexpected health condition on my part but we were pulling through it together and we’ve not taken the time to work on us due to the stresses of everything else. I’ve suffered with depression myself in the past and know the signs pretty well. He’s throwing everything away. Not just me, he applied for a really big promotion at work and is due to hear about it soon and now he says he doesn’t want that anymore despite it being all he’s spoken about and strived for for as long as I can remember. He’s due to run the London marathon this year and now he’s saying he’s giving up his place because he doesn’t need the pressure of worrying about having to go for a run on a night when he’d rather sit in and have a beer and until now he’s been so psyched for it, it’s something he’s always wanted to complete and achieve. He’s unrecognisable and it all came to a head all of a sudden. I have no doubt the pressures of everything have got to him but he won’t admit what’s going on. He won’t admit that there’s anything wrong because he doesn’t see the change in his behaviour, in his actions or in himself. We’ve come too far and achieved too much together to give up on everything and I’m determined to be there for him whenever he is ready to talk, I just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so worried that his parents don’t see it and let him go on his own and the potential spiral he’s then going to hit of being on his own more and more. I just don’t want him to do anything serious, I couldn’t live with that. He’s just pushing me away and can’t explain any other reason why.
I know it’s been a while, I hope you see this. Do you have any updates? And how are you doing now? Your story sounds remarkably close to mine, even down to him really wanting this promotion at work and then turning it down when it was offered to him. That was right before he broke it off with me after 5 years through a text. It’s been a month and a half now and I miss him so much. I’m constantly in pain and I feel so desperate. Anyway, I hope to hear from you <3
We are enageged to be married this year but my fiancé left the apartment today. He said he needed to be at his parents’ house. He left his keys so I am not sure if he is coming back. He’s been battling depression since he was a teenager. He had a difficult childhood and those episodes from his childhoold still resurface once in a while. When he is not depressed, he’s very affectionate, sweet, loving and sincere. I know he loves me but he hates to see me sad when we’re having this issue. He says he doesn’t know what to do anymore to make me happy. He thinks his love for me is not enough. I am only a human and the depression sucks the energy from both of us. We had a fight last night and he tried to hurt himself. I talked to him and he agreed to talk to a counsellor today. On the way home, both of us were quiet. I didn’t want to start any cover station Because I didn’t want to upset him. When he’s mad, he drives recklessly and it terrifies me. He dropped me off our apartment and said he had to stay at his parents house. I don’t know if he is coming back. I love him and this breaks my heart.
Hi there WB,in in the exact same situation as you right now and I’m losing my mind.what was the outcome of this?I hope it’s positive and I hope to hear from you.
Recently my relationship with my partner of 3 years has just completely fallen apart. He revealed his depression to me on New Year’s day stating he wasn’t happy for months. Had felt suicidal and wanted to move on. We talked and cried and confessed how much we loved each other; we had planned our whole lives together. He took some time and slept at his parents for a few nights saying he needed to think what he was going to do. His moods are up and down, as are mine. I didn’t understand what was going on. I feel like I failed him as a support. I would cry and get upset. I felt abandoned and discarded. Two days ago he decided ending this was the best for his health. Saying goodbye we still confessed how much we loved each other, and I said I knew and understood why he needed to take care of himself before we could work on us. I’m so scared and so sad he will get better and never come back. I’m scared he’ll never seek treatment. I’m so lost in how I feel. I wish I was there to support him through it. That he would of let me be there. I feel like I’ve failed him. I know I’m supposed to go on living my life. But it’s hard. My place is a half empty shadow of what was, and I don’t want to change or touch anything because I’m afraid to move on. I read these posts about people’s partners coming back and remembering their love and I hope so much that happens for us.
This is exactly the same position I am in. My boyfriend of 3 years (my soul mate) has just left. His business has failed and he has gone from a very successful career to being super skint and with in his mind no option. He has slowly over 6 months drifted away, the loving touchy person just wanted to be left alone and hide away with no touch. I had done everything to help even letting myself come second. Last week he admitted he was miserable about everything in life he loves me but he couldn’t see a future with me or a future in anything. Everyone is shocked – I am totally at a loss to me he is the person I’m meant to be with but he just isn’t him at the moment. After trying hard to make him see I’ve accepted I need to give him his space and let him go with hope he will realise. He is emptying his stuff out of our house this week.
I just hope he does sort himself out and realise what he is doing. Has anyone had this experience ? Do they come back, do they realise ? or does depression take then over.
Hi PP
My boyfriend of five years ended our relationship due to undiagnosed severe depression, severe anxiety and PTSD. I tried to be there for him in the months after he realised he was depressed, even when I founf out he slept with someone else the week after we broke up. He went on meds and to counselling but over those months he would pull me in and push me away. He had pulled away from me long before our relationship ended and was very cold and hostile towards me. I drew a line six months after the breakup. I had put all my energy into him and his needs and I ended up in a really bad place and neglected myself, which is so easy to do when you love the person and are so worried for them. He did realise it, the counselling helped him to see his issues came from a very traumatic childhood (something I always knew) and he begged for me to come back, he told me all the things I always wanted to hear but never did. For me, it came too late and the damage was done, I couldn’t imagine trusting him to not do it again. So the answer is yes he could come back to you but you won’t know how you’ll feel if and when he does. I was constantly told to look after myself by others who cared for me, I didn’t listen, I was too devastated by it all and felt selfish when I thought of his suffering. But my advice would be to do what I didn’t, do take care of yourself. Maybe if I had stepped away and hadn’t taken the brunt of his depression I would have felt differently when he did come back. It’s a horrific position to be in and my heart so goes out to you, but please give some energy to yourself in all this, or it will wear you down and burn you out. Sadly I’m back in this position with a new partner, but this time I didn’t panic and rush to try “fix” it, I’ve stayed away to give myself the time to decide if I want to even chance this road again
Hi Ama,
My boyfriend of 2 years left me in January. I didn’t realize he was depressed but knew he had been very anxious over different things in the prior 6 months. I always thought I was his support through it all so the breakup was unexpected. I also avoided subjects that would bring him down or get him upset. Looking back now I feel he had been depressed and anxious and I was always his rock but not really fair to myself. He basically dropped off the face of the earth since breaking up with me. He barely responded to a couple of texts I sent in the first month after the breakup. I haven’t contacted him since then as I feel it would be perceived as begging him to come back and I’m not sure that’s what would be best for me. After reading these posts it seems like a very difficult life to stay with someone who is depressed. It’s so difficult though as I still struggle with missing him every day. It was a great relationship other than the anxiety episodes. I still cry sometimes. I am talking to a counselor and focusing on me and moving forward with my life but I don’t know how long it will be til I will be able to date again. My heart is still with him despite feeling like he threw me away. One day at a time I guess. I feel strongly that he did love me too but the illness has taken over him and he is no longer the same person that he was. And like you, if he comes back I don’t know that I would trust this wouldn’t happen again. I don’t want to go through it again. I can’t imagine how you must feel being in a similar situation again. You are right to focus on yourself. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.
Hi S
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s very difficult for the person experiencing the depression but being the collateral damage of it is just as hard. I read so much about it and honestly when I told him I didn’t want to communicate anymore that’s when reality sunk in for him. As hard as it is (I got a very long email recently that basically said I’m the love of his love and he can’t reconcile what he did or put me through) I just can’t believe that it wouldn’t happen again at some point or that we wouldn’t fall back into our old ways of not communicating. Taking care of yourself is a very vague notion, I didn’t know how to do it, I’m not sure I still do, but you are right to not put yourself in the position of more hurt. You are not the cause and you certainly don’t need to take the brunt of it given what you’ve been through. I hate being back in this position, although this person is very different to my ex, it seemed a much healthier relationship and he got overwhelmed by his issue and sadly did what so many men do and that was to react impulsively and run away. I haven’t made contact but am in no man’s land because I feel stuck, I care for him deeply but i don’t know if I can face putting myself through the heartache again
Ama, thanks for your response. Yes I agree with you about not wanting to put yourself through heartache again at least if you can control it somewhat at this point. This for me has been the most painful experience I can ever remember having and still deal with daily. And it’s still somewhat early on in the process.ive been reading all the posts here and on the depression fallout site . It seems there are no easy solutions and it’s hard to know what the best approach is for moving forward. Just reading the posts has soothes me when feeling sad as they remind me its a serious illness. This helps me to accept the losses and to continue to let them sink in. I lost him but at the same time lost his daughter from my life and all of his family who I was also close to.
I’m regard to taking care of yourself , what’s working for me is finding a balance in spending time grieving and making changes in my life as well as spending time with friends and family who are supportive.
I hope that whatever you choose works in favor of the best possible outcome for you.
Take care.
Hi,
I am surprised by how many people were dumped by their depressed ex boyfriends.
When the depression is involved in a relationship, the situation becomes way more complicated. You even don’t know if it’s really the depression or other factors caused them want to leave the relationship. People usually are more tend/willing to believe it’s the depression which will actually make ourselves more suffering. If we agree to break up, then we feel we dumped someone depressed although we are actually the ones who were dumped at the first place. If we don’t and still trying to help, then we feel like an idiot by being ignored/rejected all the time. So the best thing for our own mental health is trying your best to move on and take good care of yourself before you’re capable of/strong enough to deal with him. What is meant to be, it will be. We cannot control other people, but at least we can manage ourself. I have been suffering a lot myself in the past 4 months, I am trying my best to go over this breakup, I keep on seeing therapist and going out and focusing on myself. I know it’s hard, but I know that’s the right thing to do if I want to continue my own life without suffering more and more with him. Life is too short to suffer with someone who doesn’t want to be with us for no matter what reasons. Depression should not be a valid reason for them want to leave us if they truly love us, instead they should open to us and face/go through it together. I really don’t believe in ”if I love you, I would let you go so you won’t suffer with me”.
Hope everyone here in the similar situation will find a way going through this harsh time. I can totally feel how everyone feels. It’s super draining and heart broken.
Helle
Ive gone through this depression withdrawal twice now.
6 years living together. Last year my partner withdrew. The depression was terrible, crying shaking, paranoid and drinking heavily. He was also shaking. He blamed me hid from me but came back said he pushed me away to protect me from what he was going through.
3 weeks started again its ruined christmas other people have witnessed the anger, crying the saying hes scared whats hsppening yo him. This time drinking benders over christmas. He wont seek help and has been gone a week
This time im suffering terrible. I have now choose to cut him of. Agsin has a get out to stop at family members. This man needs to realise running of isnt solving the otoblem but makes it worse. Im hurt and angry.
Its not all about the depressed person we need support and love also. The drptessed seem to have willing relatives who aud this behaviour.
Well this is my post. Again im in the same position. Ive just cried when i read my OWN POST. We had just been on holiday nothing wrong boom of he goes he has no feelings for anything. Im the cause of the depression. The drinking has escalated. There are pattens to his behaviour around anniversary of his grandads death, he has cut me of all communication whilst he drinks. Still goes back to enabling family member.
Maybe its how some people cope. Maybe us careing are strong and just don’t understand. I know somewhere after 8 years he loves me very much. But hes choose to be a lone drinking. Even if it was something small. In the past he admitted depression but doctor couldn’t help due to drinking. This time hes focusing external for a problem not internal. Hes also paranoid of me. I really hope we can work through his pain and mine, waiting gor him to reach out for support.
I am in a long distance relationship with a younger man for the last two years. Communication was always an issue as he was very reluctant to express love verbally and came across as cold and emotionless. It was only when we would meet which was after every 3 months or so that he would turn loving and caring which he displayed through physical intimacy or through his actions and those would be very happy moments. He had his distant spells where he would go incommunicado for days or a week or so and could never explain it. Always very lame illogical neither here or there answers which never satisfied me. And then I would doubtwhether he actually loved me at all. These were usually after a tiff or argument about his unavailabity. Financially he was always struggling so plan to meet were always initiated by me. He never seemed eager to do so citing the need to study extensively to clear competitive exams which he is preparing for. After a fight 3 months ago in October where I accused him of being self absorbed and emotionally unavailable and undemonstrative and making me feel unwanted and unloved he withdrew again but this time he started being rude in his replies and very hurtful. As if he was a different person altogether. I was shocked and heartbroken this was not the man I loved but a stranger who now wanted to break up. I was baffled by his replies and complete withdrawal and very broken. After a lot of tortureI started reading up on this behaviour and am firmly convinced he is in depression. He always had bouts of severe headaches and stomach aches. Had a repressed childhood and is under tremendous pressure from his family to clear civil competitive exams and become an officer. He only studies 24x 7. His family sends him a stipend just enough for survival as he had to leave his job to study for these exams.
He is in denial completely and says no when I try to discuss his depression or problems. He hardly talks to me after that long fight in Octoberand when I initiate contact he is evasive and taciturn. I have tried everything to make him feel better but nothing worked. I feel I have lost him to depression.
What should I do? Can anyone give me any insight? Will he return to me? I can’t live without him.
I have recently moved in with my partner of 7 years to our first family home we are exspecting a baby girl in a months time a week before moving out we were both so so happy but a couple of weeks before moving out my partners dad had a really scary accident which my partner was finding hard to deal with but although all that had gone on still seemed to be happy moving out and so excited about our little girl once we moved out he did mention moving out when his dad needed him most was hard and he was struggling Iv supported him through this as much as I could then a few arguments cropped up which I didn’t Really understand the things he was saying didn’t make sense but I just thought he was lashing out a month after being in our new home his best friend committed suicide it was truly devastating I really tried to be ther and at first he let me but then we stopped talking as much things turned a bit cold but being pregnant and having few complications myself I was struggling I thought with a bit of time we would be ok and then on Xmas eve he left m told me he’s sorry he tried but has no feelings for me Iv been totally destroyed by it I love this man so much and am left in total shock how can someone whos been in ur life for so long and been so happy just fall out of love with you in the space of two months I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know what to do I have a month before our little girl is due and he’s gone reading through some of these posts make me realise he must have depression it’s the only thing that could make sense to me I can’t belibe this is what he really wants
Thank you SO much. My boyfriend left me because depression was making him feel less in love. We both didn’t understand it, and that caused a couple of arguments. He says the doctor has told him he’s got better, but he’s either associating me with the sadness so much that he’s scared of getting back, or he just doesn’t want me anymore. What do you think I should do?
Lucy I can’t offer you any advice. Only that I just began going through something similar. My boyfriend, or ex boyfriend…don’t even want to put a name on it…just left me to focus on himself and his health. And how can I blame him right. He hasn’t gone to a professional that I know of. Before he left I begged him to go. I fear the same things. That once he’s better he won’t love me, wont want to come back. I feel just as lost, but it’s somewhat comforting to know I’m not alone in this
I’m sorry to hear that jess. I think you need to keep in touch with him, just to keep it friendly. It’s not your fault at all, he just feel like he needs to ‘escape’ (depression makes you feel like that), and he’s trying to do that by leaving. Really, this doesn’t help his situation, and you want him to stop thinking it does – that he’s ‘fine without you’… even though he would be even better WITH you. You could gently try and explain that you understand how he feels, but you’re worried about him understandably, as you’ve found out depression thrives in loneliness, and that you know how you could help. Be gentle, as he’s fragile. Say you can be there at his own pace, and if he starts getting annoyed, step back, as you don’t want to make it worse by building up tension. I know you want to up the time of recovery, but even when following these steps it is still slow, as I have found out. You’re doing the right thing by coming here. I wish you all the luck in the world xx 🙂
It’s nice to read this and know I’m not crazy that I’m not just in denial making up excuses to what I want to believe but it’s still so hard. I’ve been on this bipolar coaster w my boy for over four years now and I wish I could just get off of it and go on with my life. I could’ve taken the easy way out any time and been w any number of guys that would actually love me but for some reason my heart just can’t let him go even if he’s shown me time and time again that he can just throw me away any time. And now he’s shown me that while I can’t even handle another man being too nice to me or the thought of being w someone else, he can just move on b w some other girl and give up on me and our daughter. Over the four years he has gone off and on medication and anytime he goes off some little thing sets him off and he runs away, says he needs to fix himself, and Ive always been supportive and made sure he knew I understood and was here for him. This last time I told him that i wanted him to actually finish fixing himself before he comes back to me. Decide what he wants to do w his life and who he wants to b and what’s important instead of just running back to me as a reaction to his parents pissing him off or something like that. Instead of finding himself he found another girl to distract him to be his salvation and place to run away to (she lives in a different state). It’s seriously killing me not knowing where he is or if he’s okay and he’s off his meds so it’s like there’s no possibility he will remember he loves us. That’s what happens, he gets in these moods and it’s like he forgets the great life we had that he has and he gets it in his head that I’m what’s keeping him from being happy when really the only time he’s ever been happy was when we were a family. I’m trying so hard to just live my life and not let it bother me. Whether he’s in it or not I have an amazing life but I’m having such a hard time just giving up on him.
I was only with my ex for four months and didn’t know that she had this, I just figured she didn’t like me anymore, even if the day before she disappeared she told me how great I was to her and that she loved me. This was the end of November. About 3 weeks ago I was reading an unrelated thread and came across a simular article and I was just shocked as to how many symptoms she displayed including the weird things she said in a text that didn’t make any sense. Now I can’t even be angry or annoyed as I’ve read that it’s the illness talking and in answer to your question, apparently sometimes they blame they’re SO for everything and think that if they find someone else that will make all their problems go away, but always realise how much it wasn’t that and always regret the decision to lose you very quickly, Well that’s only what I read I hope that might give you hope, although I think you could still find happiness in the future because your a great and strong woman. PS now that I’m not angry I would like to see her again. Maybe she will remember that I was a great guy for her even if it was short lived.
Jasonm, I’ve just been through the same thing as you. It sounds to me like you got your girlfriend in a state of mania as I did my boyfriend. I was shocked but stupidly enamoured by his intense feelings for me, he professed love within a week, wanted to movie in, get marrried, start a family despite 3 children to 2 other woman, booked NYC after 3 weeks, bought a motorbike, spent thousands on clothing and cycling stuff for us, dinners in expensive restaurants and all of this when he was unemployed but told me he had redundancy money. It got to a point I told him to stop spending and he didn’t like that so I told him just stop spending on me then and didn’t like that either but I was concerned as he was struggling to find work and didn’t know how much redundancy money he had! It was a whirlwind relationship then the depression hit where he said if it wasn’t for the kids he’d kill himself. I’m sure he wasn’t cheating on me as spent ALL his time up until the last week with me. I also found out from a friend that 1.5 years ago he was using company credit card for counselling which they allowed but also to purchase over £1000 worth of alcohol in various bars (probably dating and trying to impress woman) and obv in a state of mania then too as not normal behaviour. He also had bad debt then and was forced to use bonus to repay and redundancy money paid off trust deed which he did tell me about. Another mania state was getting vasectomy reversed (a lot of money) after 2 months with someone to start a family and a year after she was born he left. They are not good with money or relationships. I am so glad I found out quickly what I was in for. Bullet dodged.
Same here, everyone. Mine was a long-distance relationship, 5 months. We saw each other for one week, and were about to meet right about now (had plane tickets, hotel, everything), but he ended things about 2 weeks ago because he was depressed (he had some health issues, that’s true) and everything “just seemed impossible.” I think I met him in a manic state. We started writing to each other, and it was very intense. Then we talked and Skyped, and it was even more so. He professed love very quickly, said I was “the one,” “I was the real thing,” even before meeting in person. He was totally confident we would make things work. He even introduced me to his friends over Skype, and got us invited to their place in the summer. And when I went to see him, he planned this over-the-top birthday celebration for me, amazing gifts, romantic dinner, everything very expensive, etc. He even said to be close, we should probably get married.
And then… some bad health news (but not fatal) and he started avoiding me. Within a week he broke up because he was depressed, isolated, felt anxious, and just couldnt’ handle things. I think it’s very traumatic for those of us on the receving end.
hi. i’m curious what happened to your story?
I’m the same, perfect guy, short lived, we really were that good that people started telling him I’ve been the best one in 5 yrs. he has a health scare too. He just broke up with me a few days ago, saying “he can’t see anything developing into anything substantial” and before his depression he was the one consistently telling me that he sees me in his future.
and days before he broke up with me, he texted me that his home, sad and missing me.
I’m so crushed. I haven’t reached out for 3 days.
Thanks for this article it describes exactly my current situation. My partner of 20 years is shutting down completely, even ask me to leave house during emotional outbursts.
I tried to go to several therapists. After following the suggestions of a very expesive psychiatrist. ….that suggested to act normal and going on with my life..i had to call 911 because he got super upset with me and started throwing my things outside the house. So, I changed therapist! !
i even got an apartment, but i cannot make myself leaving him completely. We have 2 dogs that I love , the dogs love each other One is his dog , but I am his mommy…
because of is depression he doesn’t take care of her very much. He doesn’t pet her or take for walks ..so I am still doing that..
I don’t know if he sees the struggle that I am going through..he is in denial about his depression and blames everything on me ( but he cannot specify what i did wrong..)
Cannot leave..
Hi, I am so glad I came across this forum. I am in a really difficult situation and I don’t know what to do.
I was only with my ex for 6 months but we fell for each other very quickly, and I was his first relationship since his second marriage failed 2.5 years before (by the age of 40).
He was the most loving and attentive boyfriend I ever had … even on the day he broke up with me, so to say it was a shock is an understatement … none of it made sense and I’ve spent 3 months going through everything … and the penny finally dropped … I think he’s suffering with depression!
There are lots of signs, he has said various times that his head is always a mess, that he is a negative person and he struggles with confidence, emotions and feelings. As these were said at various times throughout the 6 months I didn’t think anything of it.
Then came the breakup. He was really upset saying he was throwing away something amazing, but I deserved better than him. He said it was such a tough but he had to put me first. We saw each other a few days later and he just kept saying that he didn’t know if he has made the right decision but he had to be for my sake and he couldn’t risk hurting me again.
He said he’ll never get over how much he hurt me and family.
Like you said, I wish he had of cheated so I could away but his reasoning made it really hard for me to accept as he clearly cared and his actions and feelings didn’t seem to tally.
We split 3 months ago and had contact for the few weeks, but then he cut contact. He didn’t reply to messages but after about 1.5 months did reply saying we had to cut contact so we didn’t drag it out for either of us. We eventually had a call and spent an hour where I was trying to get him to see me. He was indecisive but eventually said no as he couldn’t risk hurting me again.
None of it made sense, then this morning it finally came to me. I think he suffering with depression after 2 failed marriages and he doesn’t want to hurt me.
The issue I’ve got is he may not know this or if he does he hasn’t admitted to me. I really want to contact him and ask him if he thinks he may be suffering with depression, but I don’t want to come across as insensitive. If he is I want him to know I’m there for him.
Help. I would really appreciate some advise
Hi Tracey,
I similarly didn’t recognize signs of depression until after my ex broke up with me. At the time it was shocking since we never fought, and he still was attentive even to the last day. I never knew much about depression so it took me time to put the pieces together. It’s been 4 months now and I sent him an email last week just to let him know I realize it’s depression even though he hid it from me and that I hope he is getting help. There was no response which I kind of expected but it felt good to say it to him because he needs to realize that it’s been so painful for me and that I care. I’m not reaching out again though since he is ignoring me. It’s really hard but I don’t deserve that. I know he is doing what he feels is best for me. But it’s so sad.
We lasted for 3.4 years. A week ago, he broke up with me. Before that, he asked for space.. twice in two weeks. He felt lost. And sorry for trying again to work our relationship. He didnt want me hurting. He was carrying my burdens as well that he hurts more than I hurt for myself.. Im lost as well and I dont know what to do. He is most likely depressed. Everything was going well until he asked for space. I’ve had my faults. And we never saw the future without each other. What do i do? I want to help him.
He also feels like there’s a lot more stuff he can experience and he can grow more. He wants to be independent.
Hey ladies and gents,
Hard to read all you guys story, especially those that are still going through it or those who went months without a word. This is my second stint with my bf going through a withdrawal. Each time he leaves my house and goes back to his parents during those stints all he does is work and sleep nothing else. On weekends sleeps all day.. I knew he was struggling with depression but it wasn’t until today that I realized the depth. The first time it lasted a month, we did still talk but it was very difficult as I felt abandoned it was a lot of just have a good day and sorry I slept all night. When talking about how I felt all I got was I’m going through a hard time and brushed aside and he would just sleep. I see now that it was the depression taking over. In the end he apologized for what he put me through and explained how he closed himself off from the world and was in a severe depression. He promised to never let me go through anything alone. Now comes stunt two.. this time it’s a bit different.. we were fighting for a few days and he decided he had enough and left.. and that ended up bringing him into a depression.. we would still talk but he was very distant and cold. If I said I loved him he would never said it back and that hurt a lot. Was very cold answers. We still talk but anything I let out my anger or sadness he stays silent. I had seen him one day this week and things went alright I saw a light at the end of the tunnel but then he was suppose to come again and he always was too tired at end of the day so he went home and slept. It wasn’t till today that I googled depression and realized how unaware they are at what they are doing. I am feeling diff about the way I see things now. I’m very glad I found this site and I’m not alone in this. My boyfriend just wants time right now to be independent he says. I know the love of my life is still there but just lost a bit. I apologized to him for pushing him and I’ll try to remain as strong as I can be. We were each other’s everything and told each other we’d never let each other go so ta hard hearing those words and seeing this other person who’s taken over. Thanks for hearing me out
Hey, I have just come across this comment and was wondering how things ended up for you? It sounds very similar to a situation I am going through at the moment. Thanks in advance
HeLP!!!!
I met my boyfriend through a mutual friend, however we live in small town and have known each other for a long time. My entire family knows him as well. Anyway he has battled depression all his life. When we started talking he was going through a very painful breakup with his girlfriend. We talked as friends for several months. Then after his break up was completely over (as they were on and off again for a couple months) he contacted me and wanted to talk. He was working through his depression (without treatment) we started dating and everything was great. He has always been open with me about his depression. He would have good days and really bad days. The depression was always there. Ibwas trying hard to understand and be supportive. He has always said that I am the best thing that has ever came into his life and that I have been the only one that he trusts and that I am the only one that truly understands what he is going through. I have endured his moments of withdrawal. However at first I took them personally and would immediately ask him or assume that he just didn’t want to be with me anymore. When undid this he would withdrawal even more but usually a day later we would end up talking and continuing the relationship. He has never told me that he loves me but he has told me he wants to be the last guy in my life and me be the last in his. He also has admitted that he is scares to get attached because he doesnt think he can handle another failed relationship. He says he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He is very much an introvert to begin with. His depression has got worse and about 2 months ago he ask me to goto the Dr with him to get some medication. He has been on med for about 4 weeks. Recently we went in a trip for the weekend. His depression came back full force on the drive home. He barely talked (text) me for an entire week. Just kept saying he wasn’t feeling good. Of course I felt he was just not wanting me anymore so I asked and he was unable to answer. Said it was his mood swings and that if I say with him I’m going to keep getting hurt. That he can’t change, that he hates it and that he just doesn’t want to talk to people, he says that I’m to good of a person to deal with his crap. This hurt me because I love him so much. I waited to reach out to him (Just a few day) I told him I was thinking about him and he did respond with a thanks and he was trying to get through each day. I just don’t know what to do. I want to help him because he is amazing and I love him. Can someone please help me with some advice. At times I feel like maybe I was just a saving grace that got him over his break up but then other times I feel what we had was very genuoion. Is it his depression or should I just give up? Please some advice
This is a very good article and i want to see if anyone has any advise…
My partner for 2.5 years has ptsd and depression.Everything was great both of us, never had any real problems never even really had an argument. One day i woke up to a text from her saying good morning handsome how did you sleep followed he by i love you so much . a couple texts later she had wrote she wanted to hang out with co-workers, which isnt the problem ,the problem is they are all guys and all thy do is drink in bars or at peoples homes. i proceeded to tell her that would make me a little uncomfortable and she replies with it wasnt a big deal , the next text is what left me speechless.
she said i cant do this anymore . i asked her why she tells me
i remind her of her ex boyfriend who was controlling and he did alot of bad things to her .i reply with what do you mean i have never controlled you , never told you not to do something i just said i wasnt comfortable with that.then boom no texts ,wouldnt respond to my texts or calls what so ever,so i told her if thats how she felt i would pack her things ,she finally texts back with ill be there tomorrow. she came to get them and of course i tried to talk to her , telling her if she felt that strongly about it than as long as she was faithful i wouldnt have a problem. gave her 2 dozen roses,told her i didnt want to loose her and i was sorry , she wouldnt respond and left. the day after i text her and she tells me again i was controlling and reminded her of her ex and now she tells me shes scared of me .. people im mind blown i have never even raised my voice to this woman or gave her any reason for her to think anything like that . now im crushed i dont understand so i try to ask her what happened she responds with i just wasnt happy . now any other situation i would of brushed this off but considering everything was great in every department and the night before she told me she wanted to marry me ,reassured me everyday she was really happy . so now im confused ,i ask her how that could possibly be ? she tells me i was controlling again now i feel like there something else or someone else so i ask her is there someone else multiple times in the next couple days. mind you shes not that type of woman she swears up and down theres not . i told her if there is she can tell me and i will have at least some closure , again promises me there isnt and hasnt been anyone else. i pleaded with her to not give up . she told me to move on and that she didnt want me to wait around for her . so i started researching ptsd more because i figured me telling her i wasnt comfortable with her going out with all guys must of triggered something in her head . even wrote her texts and emails only to get 1 word or 1 sentance responses . so i finally called her and asked her to talk . i asked her if i was really controlling (and i knew in my mind i couldnt possibly be) she admits to tell me i wasnt . but she just wasnt ready to settle down . now im shocked again because she was the one who just told me the night prior she loved me and couldnt picture her life without me and asked me to marry her . i get off the phone, text her asking her if theres any way this could be rekindled . she responds with i said you were controlling for a reason . lol now im even more confused the next day .i texted her asking how she was doing she says good how are you like nothing even happened , shows me a picture of a tattoo she got with her co workers then nothing wont respond to me . i write her a 6 page email that had all the good times we had,everything i did for her and tryed to debunk everything followed by some articles of similar situations with ptsd and depression.even told her it was a nice tattoo followed by we can work this out you didnt have to break up over this you brushed it off like it was no big deal , i give them to her . i text her an hour later pouring my heart out once again . i told her i guess ill leave you alone if thats what you really want . she responds with i never said you didnt take care of me ,im so confused now because mind you this was a 6 page email. i havent yet responded because im under the impression she wants me to leave her alone, but at the same time torn because there are thousands of situations down to a t exactly like mine and its all pointing to ptsd .and how something so small can trigger someones ptsd , which i believe was triggered in that last breif conversation of her going out with co workers. its been 9 days scince i seen her and 2 scince we talked im not sure on what to do next?mind you our relationship was absolutly perfect with no problems.what do i do next ?
I know this comment seems so repetitive but it really is relieving to know that other people have seen what I’m going through now and that I’m really not going through this alone.
My partner of 2.5 years recently just left me, we’re calling it a break for now but I really don’t know if this is going to be just like any other break. I should have recognized from the start, the signs and symptoms for her depression and anxiety and only a couple months back did we start guessing that maybe is clinically depressed. I’ve been trying to hold on, be as supportive as I can and get her the help she needs, but the local therapist is backed up all the way until late November and she hasn’t been diagnosed or anything yet. I’m sure its depression/anxiety, from the thoughts she has been admitting to me and telling me how she feels, and at the same time she’s been struggling with a lot of personal life issues that makes her feel like she’s not good enough.
It’s amazing, how the highs of a dating someone with a mental illness can be so amazing, and how it can crash all in a second. We literally went from an amazing night out, with dinner, talks, and snuggles at home to getting into a stupid bickering about directions that changes everything. Looking back I just wish that I could have been better, listened to her more intently and maybe just said less, but it’s so hard when you don’t know how they’ll react to anything. Wherever we go from here, I just hope that she is happy, and is doing okay however many years from now people are reading this. Who knows, maybe I’m just that crazy ex and maybe she isn’t actually depressed and that I was just a shitty boyfriend. It’s hard for me to see it that way considering how happy we are when we are happy, and how confident I am in our relationship and how she responds when we talked about it and stuff like that. We’ve had our ups and downs sure, but who knows. For her to all of a sudden tell me that she doesn’t love me anymore, and doesn’t want to bring me down with her is just shocking to me. At this point I’m just ranting in circles.
Thank you for such an article and thank you for providing a forum for people who have shared this experience to convene.
This is the most insightful article I’ve read. It describes exactly what I just went through and my response to it and also how it was received. Yess, my efforts were read as “wanting something” and “making it all about me.” It hurts to see someone you love in so much pain. And it hurts even more when they drive you away.
My partner ended our 7 month relationship yesterday and I am heartbroken. Everything was amazing up until 4.5 months into the relationship and she suddenly became very depressed. I have never dealt with this level of clinical depression before and so read books to understand what to do, which I think helped me because I was supportive but stood back a bit more and stopped trying to ‘fix’ her. I learned not to take it personally. She kept telling me “it’s not personal”. So I believed her. But she was so disconnected from me and told me she felt this way about everything and not just me.
We just had a week away in a lovely retreat for my 40th birthday and I thought things had taken a turn for the better. She was more ‘connected’ with me and seemed brighter. But the night before we were due to leave she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wasn’t sure if it was the depression, or not, and did not think it fair to carry on. She felt so guilty about how she was being was affecting me and she couldn’t promise to get better. Although she did give me the option to carry on because she wanted to see how she felt about me when she got better. But then added so many doubts, the main one being she felt she needed to be on her own to sort out her mental health.
I feel like I have been tossed around like a rag doll. I’ve spent the last two months being ignored for days on end, then very little communication, then calls which were always short, no connection, but still she told me she wanted me to move to be with her and that she loved me so much and wanted to be with me. I feel like I’ve been pulled in with the most intense, amazing love I have ever known, only to be chewed up and spat out. Part of me hopes she will get better and rekindle the relationship, but the other part of me knows I can’t hope for that. I must let her go and I am so sad. I can’t be with someone who can do this to me, illness or not.
Her depression is the worst thing I have ever encountered in a relationship. It’s devastating power to turn (what I thought was) the love of my life from a sweet, loving, connected person into a ‘ghost’ has been horrifying to witness and experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Now I’m left to deal with my broken heart and my dreams shattered.
i am going through the same thing except we were engaged and been together for 4 years when i put the promise and engament ring on her finger it was for better or worse times yes i knew she depression but it was just maybe one or two days before this time it’s been 4 months i have given her space and been very patient with her but she says her feelings have changed for me more like friends and before this she was kind and loving person she has basically shut me out yes it hurts we sent texts back and force and i told her if felt like i was braking a promise to her to always be there for her in times like this she says she would better off alone i know depression is illness and that i am afraid that wants i leave her she will see it was a mistake and so i told her to really think about us and i would give her a week and i am going to my moms house over christmas for 2 days and see what happens and if she says we are done then i am moving out and yes if she ever needs i will be there for her she the only woman i want to spend the rest of my life with even after all the pain i been through
Wow I’m in the same exact situation right now with my boyfriend.. all I do is keep hanging on and he goes up and down and back and forth.. I took the words right out of my mouth I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
I know how you feel. I’ve been going through the same thing for the past 2-3 months. I feel hopeless, she avoids me most of the time, we talk by text on a daily but sometimes feels like she doesnt care, she has said she had been trying to push me away thinking I’ll be happy elsewhere, I asked her to end things if she feels she will be happy without me and she hasnt. I’m trying to be supportive and emphasise the good things about her, that I love her and try to get her to spend a little bit of time with me. I hope we work things out and she gets better, I dont want to lose her.
@Ryan, you said it perfectly: “Her depression is the worst thing I have ever encountered in a relationship. It’s devastating power to turn (what I thought was) the love of my life from a sweet, loving, connected person into a ‘ghost’ has been horrifying to witness and experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Now I’m left to deal with my broken heart and my dreams shattered.”
I was with my boyfriend for two years and never knew that he suffered from depression. He broke up with me out of the blue and after a lot of talking and crying he admitted to me that he has struggled for a long time with depression and that he was in a very bad place. He told me he had thoughts of suicide and that I couldn’t fix him. He needed to fix himself. He said he needed some space and time and that he promised me he would go talk to someone. I was so confused because we were so in love and still seemed to be but he was pushing me away and I could not understand. I gave him space for about a month, I wrote him a letter but he never responded, and then we saw each other again. He cried and said it was good to see me and that I was beauitful, and that he didn’t know what else to say at the moment. He had he had gotten my letter and cried by himself. We laid in bed and held each other. He told me more about his depression than he ever had before, how it made him feel. He said he wanted me to know he was doing better, that I shouldn’t worry about him. He says he hasn’t been drinking much, but I have reason to believe that’s not true. I’m worried about him drinking and driving, as well as going back to abusing pills. We spent 2 days together and on the third he told me he couldn’t get better with me around, that I’d never understand what he was going through and that if I loved him I would leave him alone. For 2 days it was like nothing had ever happened, we were so happy again together. And then he just snapped, he got angry and would not have a reasonable conversation with me. I’m lost and confused. I know I need to accept that this is what he wants, but it’s just so confusing and hard to understand. I know I’m better off without him, but I love him. Hearing that other people have gone through on this forum makes it a little easier to deal with.
I am going through something similar. It’s the worst thing that I have ever dealt with. I didn’t see the break up coming at all. He never said he was depressed; I realized it after the breakup. He has not contacted me. While we were together he was always in contact. I don’t understand it at all. I go back and forth between being angry with him for treating me like this and worrying and missing him. We were together 2 years. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had til now. But it’s so painful now that I have anxiety and almost wish it never happened. Can’t believe I’m saying that but reality hurts so much. It’s been 5 weeks now. We did so much together that the memories come flashing back wherever I go. It’s really horrible to trust someone so much and for them to push you away and act like you don’t exist. I trusted the relationship was good and he didn’t give me reason to think a breakup was coming.
My boyfriend of over a year just broke up with me few days ago. He’s very stressed at the moment with 2 of his family members in really poor health. We were in a-month-long break with no communication before we actually broke up. When we broke up he told me that he was still in love with me, but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment, he feels tired and numb and hardly have any energy. I suffer from depression myself and I think he’s experiencing it for the first time. However he’s in denial about it and whatever I’ve tried in the last few days to make him find help just make him angry because he thinks I’m making it up because I care about him. He says he’s just in a rough patch and time and a good year will make him better.
The thing is I don’t really care if we ever get back together, yes I love him, but I just want him to feel better, even if we are still not together afterwards, because I suffer from it for a long time now and I know how horrible it is, I’d never leave a friend in that state. I know he has to get better by himself, but he doesn’t even admit it! And I don’t ever intend to do the hard work for him, I just like him to know that I’m still supporting him and he doesn’t have to do it alone.
I’ve been trying to text to ask how he is, and also to make him do the assessment tool hoping that when he sees the results he’d admit to it. Is this the right approach? Or should I listen to him and leave him some time?