It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
I can’t tell you how good it is to not only read of other people struggling with this but also that so many of you are choosing to stick around. I am finding it hard to get support from others around me at the moment because everybody thinks I should cut contact and she is just keeping me as a back-up girlfriend.
I have stayed very open with her that I am not going anywhere until she feels better because I believe we can work out us once she has worked on herself and she has responded mostly positively to this. But that’s the overall, the day to day is the hardest part. I feel quite hopeless and lonely really.
Please respond. Did it work? Did she come back?
I’ve lost years waiting but leaving seems so difficult too.
M
Hi M, I’m not Tasmin but in the same situation. I met the most caring man and as soon as he fell into depression (health scare) he became a ghost. disconnected. I gave him space, sometimes we would just see each other 1 weekend in 2 weeks. he consistently said he sees me in his future, than stopped saying I love you to me when I say it. Disinterested in sex, or sometimes even physical contact, stopped bowling (his thing), ate 99% inside his room through uber eats. I was caring, undeniably supportive, understanding and patient. no one else knew what he was going through, he’s an orphan. after almost months of depression, he messaged me that he isn’t really happy anymore, that he doesn’t see anything substantial will develop. and just days before he texted me saying he is missing me. I am lost, my heart is absolutely crushed. we had so much love and positivity and respect for each other. and I don’t know who he is anymore. his words felt like a knife into my heart, and never expect that cruelty from him. he has always been considerate. he sees a meditation therapist but isn’t helping much. he also denies that his depression is giving him body pain, he feels his health is grave.
I guess what I wanted to say to you, that even you are the most patient, loving person, that depressed person doesn’t see that. their depression makes them apathetic and mostly sees no future. It’s been 3 days since we broke up, I have not texted him again, nor has he. we only exchanged a few mssgs and no cursing or yelling but I know I sounded so pained. and i’m scared to admit he’ll never reach out to me ever again. and im the one with no energy to do anything. on that day he broke up with me, I drank a bottle of wine and smoked a pack of cigarettes (iv’e quit for a while now). I know people here say to take care of yourself, but it’s hard not to feel inadequate, unworthy and plain pos.
I hope you are hanging on there.
My boyfriend/ex of seven years left me about a month ago I was confused and hurt, this whole entire time I didn’t realize all the signs of depression until he opened up to me and his mom a few days ago but now idk if I want to walk away or stay and help him because I read similar relationship situations like this and so far it didn’t end up not doing any good for any of them or maybe I don’t have hope it seemed like it ended up never working out and idk if I should just give up at this point or just stay and help him get through this:( I love the guy so much i mean should I really be walking away from this guy and not just any guy but my high school sweet heart and the guy who I swore i would spend my whole life with? I care about his mental health a lot I don’t mind being selfless but what if nothing ever changes within a year and I’m still here waiting for him.
Idk if he’ll ever get out of this depression I feel like wants your in it its impossible to get out of it what do you guys think. Below there is a text message of him opening up
~~~~~~~THIS IS THE TEXT MESSAGE I RECEIVED FROM HIM OPENING UP ABOUT HIS DEPRESSION~~~~~~
“I let you down. I let me down. But more importantly I let us down. I really don’t give a fuck what I say when I am drunk. I know it hurts all the same. I Love You and I know I will never find someone like you again. I tell you all this bullshit about compatibility and blah blah. I want you to move on from my dumbass. But the real reason we aren’t together, it’s become I’m very stressed out and depressed and exhausted. I obviously can make time to go out but it’s to drink my problems away. I push you away every time I’m stressed out. I don’t want my problems to be your problems. My pride is too big for me. I don’t want you to see my struggle because I feel like you hold me to such a high standard and I don’t wanna let you down. I don’t want you to see as less of a man. You’re the perfect girl for me but right now is not the time for me. I don’t want to neglect you so I push you out instead. I rather seem cold and push you out than for me to stay with you and pretend like I don’t care and treat you badly. But that’s the thing, I have no emotions anymore. I’ve become cold. I don’t know what being happy is anymore. You deserve to be happy and when you’re with me, there is no happiness. I don’t want to suck out the beauty in you by being so cold and mean. We may not be equal intellectually but I mean who is really? You’re so much more in integrity and character than I am. Do you throw that in my face? Not at all. So idk why I do it to you. I wish I could treat you like you treat me. I just wanna let you know, that although I don’t show it, I love you and care for you tremendously. I just haven’t been in a good spot for a while. I don’t see me getting any better soon. But you deserve the world, and I can’t even give you a peace of it. I’m sure you will read this, if you even get this, and say it’s all bullshit. But it’s not. You may even respond in a manner in which I won’t be happy with, but I know I deserve it.
Alot of what he is saying in that text is what my girlfriend said to me. I hope I’m strong enough to weather the storm by her side. I give your boyfriend credit for opening up enough to explain why he has been the way he has with you. I can tell you love him, my opinion stick by him but dont forget to take care of yourself as well
Thank you everyone for posting, it brings me a little relief to know I’m not alone in experiencing this grief and anguish.
I’m sorry to admit that I almost wish he had been cruel, or cheated, or even said the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me”
Instead it’s silence. A few texts a month ago but nothing since.
I’ve pleaded for an explanation told him I was struggling and it was consuming, and still this once doting and loving man gave me nothing.
I’m torn between the reality of his depression and anxiety and managing my expectations and own grief.
I read that often times reaching out to them can worsen their depression as it makes them feel guilty. Is this true? I love him unconditionally, whether or not he is capable of showing or giving it in return. But the last thing I want to do is burden or hurt him worse. I only reach out every two weeks or so, usually a “think about you, hope you’re feeling better” text.
Where does this love go? How should I cope? Should I leave him to his own vices? (I should mention he is actively pursuing help, huge issues with meds). And how do I let go without him feeling like I abandoned him (even though that’s precisely what he’s done to me)? Or should I hold on and be patient as I truly believe he’s the love of my life?
Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello EH, I am sorry you are going through this. I can understand what you mean when you say you almost wish he was cruel and abusive! It is hard when they give you nothing to go on. Does he respond to your messages in any way? Do you know how he is coping with the meds and if he is in therapy? They do communicate when they emerge out of the darkness but before there is not much you can do to make them talk to you. And as you said, if you push it, it will backfire. I truly hope things will improve soon… I am in a similar situation, hoping my (ex) boyfriend will take care of himself and get in touch with me. But he’s given me nothing to hope for…
Thank you Faith.
Yes, it is very hard, but I think I am turning the corner of understanding or at least accepting this is what he is going thru.
The last he mentioned his meds to me (about 2 months ago) he said they were helping but had him feeling completely unconnected and numb.
He responded to a text 1.5 months ago, somewhat cheerful and starting a conversation, but nothing since. I have sent him maybe 6 texts and tried calling twice since.
Its devastating and heartbreaking. And I am so sorry to hear you’re going thru the same thing. I have complete moments of anger– I hate him for doing this to me! How could he?! Does he not love me?! Then like a sea calming after a storm I become still and deeply sad that he’s going thru this, alone, pushing me away. I never let on that Im angry, I don’t want that to hinder his healing or make him feel guilty. Its so hard though.
I read a quote and adapted it somewhat, I have used it as somewhat a mantra, it helps me. Maybe it can help you too: “If you love someone and they need to heal, you must love them well. Love them without condition, expectation or agenda.” And that’s what I am trying to do. I love him whether or not he is capable or willing to return my affection and feelings right now. And I will fight for him and pray for him from a distance if he needs to walk this path alone.
In the end, I can only bring peace to myself not anyone else. I hope he finds his way soon and circles back… and I hope your’s does too.
One and a half months…that’s a long time. I am so sorry. It’s been only 3 weeks since our last communication and I am already hopeless…! I don’t know how things are with you but I haven’t known him for a long time. Just five months counting the breaks too. The good days have been few but they were there and I can’t stop thinking about them. What you say about feeling angry then deeply sorry and sad… I am exactly the same. Sometimes I get angry with how he behaved (and I communicated this to him too) and then I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness for what he is going through and for how it makes me feel, and can there ever be an end in sight? I’ve said all I had to say to him to make him see his destructive pattern but can he see it? Will he see it? Will he respond?
I know you said love with no condition but I am not sure this can be done. And noone has ever done it for me. I just don’t want to be in pain. My friends don’t get why I don’t give up and move on. They think I am delusional and naive.
Sorry, this is not a great help to you, I am just ranting…
Faith– feel free to rant and rave! I feel like that is what this forum is perfect for… a support group of sorts for people struggling with the same thing. And I get friends not understanding. I have a mix bag. They all agree that it is awful, some are angry about it, some are sympathetic. Have you tried therapy for you? I have found it very beneficial in working thru my feelings of rejection.
Rejection is one of THE WORST feelings. And even though I know that isn’t what is happening, it is certainly a symptom/result/feeling.
My situation is similar and different. We were together a few years ago for a substantial amount of time. We were madly in love but were young and I had issues to work out. We circled back and things were going great. He was very open with me about his situation, therapy and plan of action. I thought “surely with a deep connection and love like this, we can make it through, I’ll be able to stand by him and support him.” It has proven more difficult than expected.
At first, it was a few days without contact (a vast change from the through-out the day everyday). Then a week-10 days. Then it was 2weeks. Then 3…. Now 1.5 months. And it felt like in those sporadic contacts that it took everything in him to reach out. I think he simply doesn’t have it in him and is trying to, in some weird way, protect me from the pain. I wish he would just TELL me though. Give me SOMETHING.
I have immersed myself in reading about depression/anxiety and how to love/support someone who is depressed. And they all say along the same line…. If it is to your emotional detriment, you have to let go. But if you can manage to reach out occasionally with words of encouragement/support, when they “come back” they will remember you were there- that part of the illness is feeling undeserving of love.
I have resigned to doing this once every 3-4 weeks or so. And perhaps in time, he will circle back. Or maybe Ill let go. I don’t know…. I don’t want to let go. But in the end, I have to take care of me too.
Google this blog…. It gave me some sort of understanding:
“Why I push people away and what it means”— Soulsuffering a blog by soulblade
Hi EH,
It is amazing how many similarities one can find. You always think your situation is unique, it never is though! My ex broke up with me a couple of times saying he is not ready for a relationship, he does not know what he wants and who he is etc. And then he was reaching out again. It took me a while to realize this had to do with depression. The second time he did that we started seeing each other again without talking about a relationship but I could not take the uncertainty and I asked him to decide if he wants to be with me or not. He said he would try to deal with his feelings and think about it, and he finally said that yes, he wants to be with me. I was so happy, I felt it was some sort of victory or breakthrough. We were ok for a month, he did get unresponsive once a week maybe but he would tell me he did not feel well and would rather be on his own and I respected that. I left for a short trip and before I go, we went out for a long walk in the park. It was a beautiful day and we were both happy and relaxed, we had such a good time! I remember I was thinking that things may get better after all. He said we should meet as soon as I come back. And then I came back and he was not feeling well. This time it lasted for more than a week and I was worried and asked him to go to the doctor and discuss his medication. This is how I found out he had stopped taking it! I told him that was not a good idea but did not want to push him too much. After a week he said he wanted to break up because he felt he did not have as strong feelings for me as I had for him, and that he could not reach the stage to say I love you (I had not reached that stage either, by the way. We did not know each other that long so this sounded absurd to me). The funny thing is that during the week that led to the breakup we were in constant contact and I thought at least he is not shutting me out, we will fight through this.
And now after two months of silence he reached out again sending a casual message. No acknowledgement of what had happened between us. I was angry and communicated this to him. But then I told him that he has to deal with the reason that drives him away every time before we are together again because it hurts too much and I cannot go through it again. I urged him too see the destructive pattern. No response to that. I don’t know what he is thinking. He might be dating other girls for all I know, and I am here, waiting and hoping. I don’t want to reach out again – I’ve said all I wanted to say – but I wish I knew what is going on. And I wish he felt enough about me to try and fight for us.
just one more question: would it be a good idea to show them this site? I was thinking about it but I did not want to come across as preaching or condescending
I am so sorry you guys are going through this. It is a hurt like no other. I understand exactly what you’re saying wishing he had been cruel or something because atleast then it might make him leaving a little easier to stomach than just disappearing with no contact. My boyfriend left me almost 6 weeks ago and has blocked out every form of communication. I have only heard from his mom who said he gets like this when he feels like he’s not bringing in the money he should be. The day before he left us, he thru text in another room, said he was depressed after I asked what was wrong because I have never in a year and a half seen this side of him. I had no clue he was depressed, he acted normal, happy go lucky, laughing and goofing off with us. The day he got “depressed” that morning he was fine and actually went for a job interview and we knew he had the job. But then all of a sudden in a couple hours time he was depressed and would not speak to any of us. His mom said she has gone thru this with him before, that he was done and he was working on himself. I mean up until the day of he was telling me he loved me and making plans of things to do to our house and outside. I guess I love him so much that his mom telling me he’s done doesn’t really mean much, I guess I need to hear it from him. Im so lost and heartbroken and so are my children.
EH, I too told my ex I was struggling (which by the way is a huge understatement, I’m dying would be more accurate) and asked her to have mercy on me, could we just chat about lighthearted topics?.. no response. She has refused to talk to me for 2 months now. :'(
Hi EH,
I was reading your messages was like someone was reading my mind. I usually just read articles and comments and never engage, but your story is so close to my heart. Did he ever contact you back?
I have found myself in a very similar situation. I have not heard from him in a month and a half. I let him know that he is loved and I am there when he needs me. I am worried about him and I feel helpless for not being able to do anything about it. He doesn’t let me move on and at the same time he doesn’t let me be his support. I have done everything I could to show that I care. He has recently moved far away for a job. I flew there for a few days and he never replied or came to see me.
Any advice?
Sorry about my English, am Brazilian I have a relationship with a girl that suffers of anxiety and panic, after 2 and half years she just dumped me without a real reason I’ve tried to talk and she has blocked me in all social media I love her so much and I really don’t know what to do, now it’s two months separation and am extremely sad with this situation she said so much bad things for me and I really need help to know what can I do….
My partner of 5 years finished with me a few weeks ago. I’m completely convinced he has depression …. he was diagnosed about 3 years ago but refused treatment and said he would ‘ deal with it ‘. Thing’s have been mostly ok since then but I’ve seen a big decline in the last year. He works ridiculous hours and is finding it difficult to juggle his time and maintain a relationship. He has another doctor appointment next week but I’m not convinced he will accept treatment as he’s convinced he’s not depressed. His dad was sectioned when he was a child so i think he’s scared. I gave him space and it looked like we’re back on track and then today …. bang … here we go again. He says he shouldn’t be in a relationship and I’m better off without him. I’ve agreed to a trial separation to try and maintain contact as i want to support him and don’t want to lose him either. I’m so confused and feel like I’m on a rollercoaster … one minute we’re fine and he’s lovely … the next he doesn’t know what he wants so i seem to end up the casualty. Do I give him the space and just wait? Am I just kidding myself and giving him excuses? So confused but helps to read these posts and feel less alone in this situation. Feel like i don’t want him to throw us away when life gets tough but equally I can’t be a doormat. I don’t want to give up on him but I’m tired of not getting the emotional support i crave myself. Dawn
Dawn , I am completely living the same situation as you. The only difference is we have been together for 13 years. I am at such a loss what to do. The roller coaster is exhausting. I don’t know if I should be continuing to try and love and support him through all of this even though he is pushing me away or stop being a doormat. So confused and hurt! I am exhausted and not sure how much more fight I have left in me. I have a ton going on in my life as well and I am getting zero support from him. I just don’t understand why they refuse help and would rather just walk away from a long-term relationship… It is so incredibly hurtful. Praying that we both get some resolution soon… Hugs!
Oh Bree …. sorry to hear you’re dealing with this too. You are not alone. I’m equally exhausted and change my mind regularly. Wish I could switch my brain off sometimes. I’m trying to maintain contact atm to support him and put my feelings to one side. In my head I’ve pretty much decided to try and keep things ticking over on a surface level for now to try and get him to get help. If he does that should hopefully improve our relationship …. If he doesn’t that’s a whole different game and I’m not sure if I can carry on without some emotion back from him. It’s so draining …. feel like I’m walking on eggshells checking every text before I dare send it. Hugs back. Hope we both work this out Xx
Dawn, I’m reading through these posts because I – a depressed person – broke up with a partner who had wholeheartedly supported me and who loved me. In fact, throughout our ten-year relationship I left him three times, the last time for good. It’s irreparable, yet it still hurts. So I can understand your partner’s position more than yours I suppose. So I will try to explain to you what goes on. People who are that far off have difficulty with consistency. You think you’re on a roller coaster. But they are too, but they can’t really express it. They would love to have support but feel guilty when they realize they can’t really give and contribute their share to the relationship. If you were to say that you are willing to tolerate their depression, or that you have hope and patience that they will get better, they might feel comforted for a day …but the next day they will want to destroy that “mirror”. In other words, you’ve both acknowledged to each other that he is depressed. Yet for him it’s unbearable to be in a victim role of sorts. … He may yearn for anonymity, a space where he can more easily deny or forget that he has this problem. Furthermore, the notion that “there’s help out there” is a toughy. Is there really?? I don’t know where you live or how he’s insured – but getting an in-depth therapy is serious business and most of the cognitive-behavioral therapies out there are not much more than a pep talk, designed to get people to function. (And there we’re not talking about that whole issue with the meds.) Finding a good therapist is very difficult, affording therapy is extremely costly. You see? So, the fact of the matter is that you are fucked if you’re seriously depressed. Some people make it, and some don’t.
As for the advice I have for you – be mindful of yourself and of your limits, and know when and if to draw the line. If you stay, know that he may leave you, but he may not. It’s almost like adopting a child who’s been traumatized before. The adoptive parents know they have to make huge emotional investments, knowing that the child may nonetheless never make it, or even choose them as a target. So I suppose you would have to stay for the love of him, for altruistic reasons. But ultimately he will have to heal himself, and very often that is easier to do alone, when single.
If it’s any consolation: I’m still grateful for what my ex-partner gave to me, although we’re no longer together. So, love continues beyond breakups.
All the best to you!
Hi Cynthia, I read your post and found it interesting to read ‘the other side’. I already knew things, like she felt very guilty about how she was being made me feel, because over the 10 weeks I had been very upset, although I had felt like I was dealing with it a lot better, not taking it personally and getting on with it, accepting the level at which she was able to communicate and be affectionate towards me. In fact, the last week we spent together was the best in weeks and weeks which is why it hit me so hard at the end of it when she decided she could no longer carry on.
What I am wondering is what to do now. In the 5 days since we last saw each other she has contacted me every day. I expect she feels guilty and wants to know I am ok. But she has also sent me messages about she is confused and thinks about me all the time. I have told her we should have no contact, which was actual sheer torture for me to say, but it was after this she told me about her confusion and missing me. On the one hand, she has told me she “thinks” she is no longer in love with me so I tell myself I must let go, cut off contact, be strong and move on and accept it. On the other hand, she has told me things to pull me back a bit and because I am so in love with her I am finding it extremely hard to let go. I know it has only been 5 days but still. I am worried about her. We live 170 miles apart. It’s not like I can pop round and see how she is. Will my complete lack of contact send her lower, I wonder. Should I offer help and friendship? I really don’t know what to do. All I do know is that I am finding the breakup sheer torture and I miss her so much. But I have to remember what she told me and let it go, right?
A bit more background about her – before this happened 10 weeks ago I would have described my feelings like love “heroin”. Not wanting to use such an evil and destructive drug to describe it but it’s all I could liken it to, the feelings were so powerful and I had never experienced those before. She is able to carry on her job, even though she says she no longer wants to do it. She is also able to live on her own and look after herself. So she is not completely incapacitated by it, although she has talked about it being so bad she would like some time in hospital. We like in the UK and have the NHS but waiting for therapy would take a while and she says she has tried it all before anyway. Also, she has depressive episodes and is not atall like this all the time.
I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with depression: find the right dosage, find the right therapist and have the strength and will power to stick with it and see it through. But if you just remain stuck to how difficult all this is, doesn’t this mean that you give up any chance of improvement? That you admit defeat? That you deny yourself any chance of future happiness with people that truly love you and care about you? If I realized that I had a chance at true love I would do anything in my power not to lose it. That should be the bottom line.
Hi Ryan,
I’m in a very similar situation to you. My now ex girlfriend (28) has become depressed for a variety of valid reasons relating to a previous divorce, massive change in lifestyle (moved back from Australia to the UK where she has had to live with her parents for a year) and money troubles.
We were together for a year. We made each other extraordinarily happy and were really strong. I’ve even become her nephews’s godfather.
In recent months, she’d started struggling. Particularly when I wasn’t around as much when working away. She felt like a burden, a disappointment and like she wasn’t able to be happy on her own. She’d become distant and irritable at times but exceedingly happy at others.
Long story short, she ended the relationship 6 days ago as she needs to work through this alone and needs to respect herself and be happy in her own skin and she doesn’t feel fit for a relationship.
I’ve tried to be understanding, supportive from afar and reassuring her that she’s stronger than she thinks. She’s text me every day since the break and has told me every day that she loves me. Yesterday she told me she’s been dreaming about me, woke up very sad when she realised I wasn’t there and missed me. She’s told me on a number of occasions that she hopes this isn’t the end of her and I.
I’m finding this all very confusing. I want nothing more than to work with her to help her heal and restart the relationship later down the line. But I know she needs space. I’ve not initiated any of the contact, aside from texting to say ‘good luck’ ahead of her seeing a private counsellor. With the other conversations, I’ve tried not to carry them on as best I can.
I don’t know what to do. For my own health, I need to know if her messages are sincere and genuine or just providing her comfort and she thinks she’s being ‘kind’ to me by saying it.
I know that me asking anything along those lines risks pushing her away and adding extra pressure onto already troubled shoulders. The other option is to tell her that I can’t do the causal contact and messages of love, but I’ll always be here for her in her hour of need… but I know that could also have the same consequence.
Ultimately, I love her more than anything. She’s my best friend and love of my life. I want her back, but what’s more important for me is to see her happy and healthy and I accept that may now be without me in her life.
@Ryan, have you been able to make any progress in your situation?
I don’t know that my husband is depressed. He’s never been diagnosed officially, but much of what I’ve read on this site, is so familiar especially the anger. He started anger management & individual counseling a little more than a year ago but has been inconsistent at best. A month and a half ago, he did leave. After a small argument, a cancelled trip he was looking forward to (my fault, he says), I came home from work and he said he wanted a divorce because he was miserable and I made him miserable. We didn’t have a perfect relationship, definitely had issues like a really poor sex life, he said I was controlling, and the list goes on and on. I can cop to some of these issues definitely, but he is changing history to justify his anger and leaving. He has said that we’ve tried by going to counseling and that I never made any changes. The truth is we went to marriage counseling at most twice about 8 years ago. He filed for divorce less than 2 weeks after he left, he’s cut off my son (his stepson), my brother (his friend) from his life. Now if the anger was only directed at me and these were the only issues I saw in his life, then of course I would question my perspective, but that’s not the case.
His mother passed away in ’09. He wasn’t a momma’s boy per se, but she was just such a good woman, she left such a hole in his life. His parents were still married when his mother got sick and their relationship wasn’t perfect but wasn’t horrible either. His father was in Vietnam and suffered from PTSD, was disengaged as a parent and his mother took up the slack. My husband lacked validation and a relationship with his father that seeped from his pores. It is so apparent to everyone. When my MIL became sick, my FIL abandoned her emotionally. She was in in-home hospice and his father took every opportunity to leave the home for errands or whatever so he didn’t have to face the situation. That angered my husband to no end.
Fast forward 7 years , my husband and his father’s relationship deteriorated so badly that after my husband went to therapy he tried setting up boundaries to protect himself and cut his father out of his life. It lasted about 4-5 months, until my FIL randomly came to our house. I could see something wasn’t quite right that day and previously my SIL and husband had noticed some odd behaviors. They got him to see a doctor and at the beginning of 2017 he was diagnosed with dementia. He says he’s let the past go because he knows his father doesn’t have the capability to deal with their issues. The way he treats his father at times, you know that’s not the case. It’s almost as if his father isn’t sick with the lack of empathy my husband gives to my FIL’s behaviors. Through all of this, my SIL and my husband were constantly in conflict over my FIL’s care. He would call her to yell and scream at her. Then at some point, he might feel guilty and apologize or sweep it under the rug until the next blow up.
Throughout our marriage, his anger/blow ups have always been an issue. I often would tell him he was Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. So nice one minute and the next raging mad. He’s had many other family members tell him about his anger, which he either justifies or just doesn’t see.
Often, I couldn’t wait to come home and see him, only to be let down as he walked in the door with a look of rage on his face – work, frustration at work, or whatever. Now with him leaving, this is all my fault, issues that have gone on a long time and I should have known. He never told me he was miserable. He never said he wasn’t happy and was considering leaving. Had I known, I would have taken steps to work on those issues. I would not have disregarded his feelings. As far as he’s concerned, I am the problem and he needs to get me out so he can be happy. He has a history of running away to avoid problems, but his lack of caring is shocking and not just to me – to all that know him. He is detached and is going full steam ahead with this divorce. I worry about him and with his erratic, angry behavior, I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do. I’m lost.
I learned stop communicating with my husband when he leaves. I leave him alone and let him sit in his own thoughts.
Do you find this works? My partner is saying he needs space and time alone to work out what he wants. He has a well man check up next week so I’m desperately hoping he accepts he needs some help. He needs to hear it from someone other than me. Do you find backing off helps? Does he come back to you? Tia x
Hey, I just wanted to say that I have been experiencing the same issue. I had no idea my husband was unhappy and wanted to leave until I got a random text from him saying he was done and can’t do this anymore. His family and me have come to the conclusion that he is depression, especially with his job situation, and that he needs help but doesn’t realize it. He thinks everything else is the problem like me or his job but really it’s him. He took away all our wedding photos off social media and doesn’t talk to me unless I message him. He’s acting so Cold and distant which is not how he is at all. It’s been over 3 weeks now and it’s been the hardest time. I don’t know when or if he will ever come back. The only thing keeping my head above the water is reading these blogs and realizing I am not alone and that there is hope for our marriage. He hasn’t officially claimed for divorce but he talks about how he doesn’t want to make this work. It’s all so hurtful. I feel like in a matter of time he will change again and come around but until than here I am.
It’s all very sad but life does eventually go on, some normality returns, you find new strength.
My wife of 22 years turned our world inside out for me and our 3 adult children, late teens to early twenties. 2.5 years ago. Another man (internet!) Arrives 3 weeks before, ex wife on secret calls, suddenly on a normal Sunday she breaks down, announces divorce, accuses me of control, abuse and being a terrible husband. Not perfect but none of the above. Three weeks later disappears and finally contacts children she is living 300 miles away. Now know she is depressed, suicidal ideation, Ptsd diagnosis.
Kids all left behind, all leaned hard on me and still are really, I fell apart For six months, just held onto job, Just! And somehow kept getting up, going to work, stayed strong and kept going.
2.5 years on, still confused, hurt, no real understanding, children miss her terribly, maybe see her once or twice a year they travel. Eventually for self respect I divorced her, no contact at all.
So the truth, it happens, no proper explanation or closure or understanding. I just get up and get on. My children need me, they need to see a strong parent, a reliable one, they need help with first employment, bills, cars, boyfriends and much more so that’s what you do…!
It’s a cold shower of a thing! It’s not fair, it stings and it hurts but that is mental illness.
Now as much as I miss times past, nostalgia bites sometimes I am pragmatic. I have three wonderf kids, I had a for the most part happy marriage and a good life and sadly it ended. I accept it, I accept no proper closure and I accept moving on and everyday, it gets easier. Good luck all. Be strong… it will be ok 🙂 Al
You’re an amazing person, Al. Thanks for sharing, glad you’re okay 🙂
Amazing read Al, thank you for your words and I’m glad to see that you’re okay.
Hello
I have been in a bad situation since 2012 to 2017. I met my partner 2012 we fell in love in Aug 2012. Everything was great but he wasn’t happen with his job as he moved to another state to be with me. He told me he was leaving and the night before I was crying and pleaded for him not to leave but the next morning, he said I am leaving and he packed his gear and drove off. After 10 days he got back in contact and said how much he loves and misses me and came back. We were happy until Aug 2014. He never tells me what is going on in his head and I cant communicate with him as he shuts me out. Everything was fine and next minute he snapped but this time the second time while I was at work, he packed his gear and I came home sensing something wasn’t right and opened the garage door and everything was gone. He packed up and left while I was at work behind my back. After 2 months he returned he missed me and loved me and wanted to be back together again. Again everything happy but then 9 months later and there is a pattern he gets a job saves as much money as he can and then 2 weeks prior to leaving he then starts to distance himself from me and I can feel something is right but he never lets on. He left in May 15 to another state. After 3 months I went to visit him for a holiday and we had a lovely time together. It was loving and happy. After 7 months he returned to me again. He was getting lots of work and everything again seemed happy and then in Aug of 16 I found he had packed his suitcase the day before he was to sneek out of the house and he said yes I am leaving. I was crying and pleaded for him to stay. But as usual he left and after a week I miss you but this time I had to give him money to get back as he was 4 days drive away in another state. He paid the money back and admitted he had deep mental issues and depression. I said I will only take you back if you get help and make a committment to me as it is like a yoyo relationship. He returned after 12days a short stay and he seemed happy very very settled helping my mother and taking her to the doctor whilst I was working and then he got a job that he enjoyed started a hobby and life seemed great. Two weeks ago again the pattern started, he started to distance himself from me and I could sense something. I did say everytime you earn alot of money I get nervous as I feel you are saving it for your next move. He said we have been through this before and I’m staying. But last week only 6 days ago I was at work, returned home pushed the remote button of my remote garage and had cleared out. I was in total shock. This is 5 times in 5 years. I am a total emotional wreck. He sent me a text later that evening to say I only made this decision to move this morning but I could feel that morning that he was very cold towards me. So now he is gone and I feel abandoned and in shock once again. What do I do? So sad.
Hi Sylvia,
I’m rummaging through this forum as someone who is depressed and who has been the “perpetrator” in terms of leaving a partner who has been extremely patient and understanding with me. I was with a man for nearly 10 years and in total I left him three times, the last time for good. I’m still trying to process it all, since I feel like I’ve wrecked two lives, and often I do regret it. … I can’t speak for your partner or for all people who are depressed, but, by and large, depressed people feel extremely ashamed by their alienation. That shame is often easier to handle alone than in a partnership. We don’t want a mirror. Likewise: like cutters, depressed people often find that wrecking things (including relationships) is the only thing that makes them feel alive. Further, “getting help” is easier said than done. There are tons of therapists out there, but only very few are good. Most therapies, such as cognitive therapy, are way too superficial to get to the root of things. And often more intensive long-term therapies or programs are unaffordable. So, I haven’t solved anyone’s problems, sorry to say, but I hope I helped you understand where your partner may be coming from. Perhaps you will have to say goodbye to him, internally, and be thankful for what you had. All the best to you, and him!
I know its a while ago, but thanks for sharing this — it really helps to have your insight and perspective. It’s hard to know what to believe coming from a partner who may be holding things back to save you the pain.
hi maria, i also just found this forum. my wonderful bf broke up with me 3 days ago. he has suffered depression in the past and when i met him he was doing great. he got sick with a month long cough and that’s when he fell back into depression. our realtionship was short lived unlike the stories here but nonetheless we were in love and his “brother” (orphan brother) reached out to me thanking me for making him happy as he has never heard him be in 5 yrs. he consistently told me that he sees me in his future, just days before he broke up with me he said he is home, sad and missing me. we were supposed to meet up last memorial sunday and he texted me that he isn’t feeling “this” anymore, that he doesn’t see anything substantial will develop. I was gutted. my heart is broken now. i was patient, gave him space, yet he broke up with me. i’m dealing with this now, i don’t have energy to do anything. i haven’t reached out nor he, for 3 days and i’m scared he never will. he was never a do over guy. 🙁
Mine is on his 11th move out in 27 years. I made a time line of the times he leaves and they seem to be the same time of year. It’s the same story; loving man, then one day it switches and they are some other person, then he leaves. I’m in month 5 of him being gone. I don’t know what to tell you, it’s a disease and until they recognize they are ill, I supposed it will continue.
That’s a tough time for you. Can I ask how you cope? I am very conscious that if my gf comes back that this may well become something that happens again. I think first go round is when I need to learn to cope for myself but also her.
So glad I found this website it’s great to suddenly not feel so alone and confused. My wife and I have been married two years last month. She left last year for a couple of months claiming to not love me anymore long story short she came back and realised she had mental health problems so she started the process of getting help. She was diagnosed with bi polar and borderline schizophrenia, she started therapy and everything was going well we were so in love up until a month ago when she started been distant and cold I couldn’t do right for doing wrong. Our wedding anniversary came and she choose that day to move out taking all her pocessions with her, it’s now been 3 week or so since she left and all we’ve done is argue and she seems set on making me hurt in ways I didn’t know were possible. I know deep down she loves me I know her inside out I just don’t know how I can reach her this time she seems too far gone
You guys are all talking about husbands/wives, BFs and GFs. But HOW did you all manage to build the relationships with depressed people? Help me with that!
I’ve met a wonderful man, it was him who was moving our relationship forward, and seemed really caring and loving. I fell in love. We were in a “getting to know each other” mode for 5 weeks, when he officially called me out for a date.
We kissed before that, but didn’t have sex. We both felt we didn’t want to rush things further yet. He told me that he has a chronic depression, and told me that he had pushed away 2 women after some promising dating. He explained that he was in a very bad spot at that time, but now he’s way better, and ready for the relationship and new chapter of his life…
He called me out for a date. In the middle of the date I felt his withdrawal, as if it all was an unbearable effort for him. We had brief sex that was the opposite of what I expected, after 5 weeks of getting closer to each other and wanting each other badly. The sex was as if it was a chore that he couldn’t wait to be done. Quick and almost emotionless. The morning after was the same. Since that he started slowly but significantly withdrawing. I suffered, I realized that something has changed dramatically and I cannot do anything about it. I gave him space, I didn’t torture him with questions, I simply waited and, when he rarely contacted me, tried to be friendly and show him that I’m there, that I care for him… However, he asked me to put it all on pause. He said that he’s not in a right place to start a relationship right now. I said we could do that and pretend we didn’t move things forward, and just stay close to each other but without the pressure of moving anything forward. So, I agreed to put us on hold. Gave him space again. Then he sent me the text, saying that after some days of thought he thinks that we’re finished as lovers and companions. And offered to be friends. It hurt me badly, as I know that he turned most of the romances into friendships because he didn’t want those relationships, but the girls were great, so he basically kept them, but in a friend zone. I told him very gently, that it doesnt feel right for me to accept fake friendship. Then he left the city for a couple of days. He’s back already. What should I say or do so he would want to get me back? We didn’t even start the relationship, so I have nothing that he could really hold on to. Whatever I do will seem to him as me being needy, clingy and weird. Cause after only 6 weeks I sort of have no right for strong feelings. I don’t want to seem crazy and push him even further, but I want to be with him and to be by his side. I don’t want to be friends. I want to be his lover and partner. Lifelong lover and partner.
Please help!
Hi Alexandra,
I think you should just leave it alone, at least for now. If he says he is not ready for a relationship, this is the truth, and you can do nothing to change it. It is up to him to seek help and gradually get better. If you push him, it will backfire and you will end up getting more hurt than you are now. He knows that you like him and you don’t want to just be friends, so let him deal with the situation in his own pace and you might have a chance later to form a relationship when he is in a good mental state. Although, from my limited experience, I would advise you not to hold out much hope. Just leave your life and try not to think about him too much.
I have to say I agree with Faith. I met my gf when she was much healthier and it’s only been through time that she has found herself in this very low place again. I think that if she was where she is at now when we first met we wouldn’t have lasted long.
my depressed bf broke up with me 3 days ago. he goes “despite how amazing you are my heart draws a blank, and i just want endless space all the time”. same like everyone here, considerate, loving, perfect! we honestly thought we were perfect, all the synchronicities, humor. he consistently told me that he sees me in his future, and 3rd week into his depression, he stopped saying i love you and most times would pulled back physically. and days before he broke up with me, i received a text from his saying he is missing me. The hardest part about loving a depressed person is that they become apathetic and logic goes out of the window. everything becomes pointless to them. and their feelings fluctuate, that’s the toughest.
we haven’t reached out since then, and im terrified i will never hear from him again. I went through a 3mos depression when everything was falling apart, career, individual personal life (still is) but i managed to pull through. And I was the perfect mix of understanding and boundary with him because i knew how depressed people are cos I was. It’s twice as hard for others to understand when they never went through it. and “despite how amazing” i am. I’m the one crushed, feeling inadequate and unloved.
What i am saying is, if, IF, you are not in love yet with him. Try to move on and find someone else. it’s hard, you can’t yell and get mad out of being tired (and it will be emotionally draining) of their sadness cos they will close up even more. I never cursed him or his depression. and it’s the same result. I’m broken
I feel like I’m going through hell at the moment. Recently my wife told me it was over and she didn’t love me in that way anymore, Im struggling to understand her decision as I thought we were happily married.
A month ago we returned from 2 weeks away with out 2 year old son and had a fantastic time. The next day my wife was crying said she didn’t know what was wrong with her. Next day she asks me to leave even though it’s my home.
I left thinking I was giving her some space and we would be fine after a few days. How wrong was I , 3 days later she filed for divorce.
She seems like a different person, she’s cold and verbally abusive and making me kut to be a monster. Then she will apologise and do the same thing again a few days later.
Its extremely difficult because we have a young son that I couldn’t imagine not seeing everyday.
She blames me for everything, says that I didn’t deserve her. That I mentally abused her and I was controlling.
I would admit if I was any of these things, but I’m the total opposite. She hasn’t worked for 3 years, I’ve financially supported her, never said no to anything she’s wanted. She goes out when she wants with friends. I support any decisions she makes. I will admit since our son has been born I have not been as affectionate, but that’s mainly due to work and being exhausted.
I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to push her away further either. Is there anyone with any suggestions?
Hi James,
I am so sorry you’re going thru this. It sounds awful and I am sure you’re heartbroken.
Have you tried couples counseling? Sometimes simply having a mediator can be beneficial when dealing with someone who is blaming. From my reading,an unfortunate side effect of depression is anger and blaming toward a love one– usually the one closest to you. That or to be completely pushed away without explanation, just silence.
Even if you cant convince her to couples counseling, you might consider individual therapy to help deal with the trauma and confusion, sort thru it all.
Good luck to you, I hope everything turns out well.
I can so relate unfortunately.
Here’s my story: 5 months relationship, bf really busy (final stages of PhD, been there myself, so I know it’s tough. As to his position: he has a 3year grant still, will probably be in to tenure track once he finishes PhD, if he doesn’t fulfill the September deadline they’ll prolongue it for sure, so no problems here.
First, I got issues that summer should be better hence less work, then from around April – May: “sorry, I’m having a tough time”. Back then I didn’t know whether it was “just PhD ” or something more – my gut told me the latter, boy, was my gut right. I had been in a relationship with a man with depression issues before (geez, I must have some kind of radar ;)) so I just saw things one could easily omit.
Then he got a bad cold with antibiotics, migraines started coming back (oh, the somatic issues), he started taking meds for these migraines but I don’t know the names, he had to change them coz the first ones didn’t work.
The last time we saw each other, cuddling, hugs and all that jazz, once again he said “the upcoming weeks will be tough” “hey, I’m here” I replied.
I had some bad issues on the professional level (my grant proposal was rejected, I’m a postdoc currrently in transition from academia to industry/real job market), I needed reassurance, got some, but def. wanted more, anyway, couple of days later, I text “miss you”, it got really ugly, like “you had expectations?” and stuff, really bad timing, I had a presentation to prepare, an important one, meh.
One more thing: when our mutual friend met him at the Uni and said something like “welcome to the family” he was like WTF and I just said “well, you know K, she’s very direct, especially that we joked about being “in the family” before and he liked the idea, for sure didn’t object to it.
I said before I leave for my parents’ (2 week leave) I’d like to spend some time with you – ok, I’ll see what I can do.
Making a long story short: we didn’t meet up then, I sent a very warm email stating all my concerns, and said that he didn’t have to reply if he didn’t feel like it.
We had a stupid argument on my way to the airport but we talked too (all IM) and looks my gut was right, that he’s getting some kind of treatment, dunno if just meds and/or therapy.
He reached out first, I bluntly didn’t answer, he reached the second time, I replied a week later “it’s kinda nice you texted. take care”, got an instant reply but just an emoticon (that was 3 days ago, nothing since.
He also tried to pull me into a quarrel on FB stating some really stupid stuff about politics, but I just ignored it.
Whom I miss is that person I fell for (not sure it can be called love) but some kind of special bond for sure but then again, I’m not into big words if you know what I mean.
Just a brief note: my reaction after that break up quarrel in the middle of the night – no tears just “WTF was that” but I also didn’t sleep at all.
And anger it was, grief, but no tears and I generally tend to cry my breakups over, so that surprised me too.
kind of messed up but I hope someone will read up to here 🙂
take care you all 🙂
Reading this put things into perspective. Unlike most of you I am not in a long-term relationship with someone with depression, but dated someone briefly. I met this guy in February and things ended between us a week ago. When we first started going out he was very sweet and enthusiastic but at some point he withdrew, got silent and aloof, and finally told me he thought we shouldn’t see each other anymore because he felt we did not have many things in common. A couple of days later he got in touch again to say he made a mistake and overreacted. We got back again, only to break up a few weeks later because he said he was in a really dark place and could not handle a relationship. We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, then saw each other again, but I told him I wanted him to make up his mind and make an effort for us to be together, and not on-and-off. He said he wanted to do that, and we had a couple of months which were good (we saw each other regularly and communicated well). I really thought we could make this work despite the depresssion. But then he stopped taking the medication, and started feeling really low. Eventually he told me we should stop seeing each other because he thought I had stronger feelings for him than he had for me, and that he could not imagine himself reaching a point when he would say to me “I love you”. He said he had not been pretending or hiding all this time, but it was easy to be nice to me because I had been nice to him. All this was really hurtful to hear, as I thought he had deep feelings for me, and also it came as a surprise, because recently things had been going well for us. It’s been a week now that we haven’t spoken. I know the wise thing is to forget about him and move on, but I find myself thinking of him, the good times we had together, and also worrying about his situation. I wish he would just go to the doctor and make a concerted effort to deal with the depression. All my friends advise me to stay away and they are probably right. But I can’t help fantasizing about a brighter future when he will have dealt with this and we will be happy together.
I’m so glad to have found that I’m not the only one going through this. I mean, it’s terribly sad reading these stories, but at least I’m not alone. I had a tumultuous five year relationship with my ex, and even though we had broken up almost five years ago, we kept in contact and he ended up getting married because he got someone pregnant (he didn’t cheat on me, we were broken up but still in contact). That hit me really hard, and I thought it was going to be near impossible for me to move on. But amazingly and completely out of the blue, I met this amazing man about seven months ago and I really believed this was my shot, that this man was it for me. He was, and still is, a very sincere, honest, and just overall wonderful man (he’s about nine years older than me), and he was looking for a relationship at the time that we met. I had always heard that when you stop “looking”, that’s when fate drops someone in front of you. And boy oh boy, that sure did happen. We went on about three or four dates before deciding to be an official couple, and we were on the same page as far as goals, what we wanted in life (marriage and kids eventually), and we were just so well aligned, I couldn’t believe it. I honestly didn’t think that men like him still existed, a true gentleman. We talked all the time, and things were going so well. Then about theee months ago, he started having work trouble. He is a deeply emotional person, and he does let even small things (like his car breaking down) effect him as if his dog had died, so to speak. I started noticing him start to be a little distant within the last month or two, and I just never said anything because I wanted to be supportive of him and be there to listen to him. I figured he was just having a hard time adjusting to his work situation. He had made many comments about being almost 40 and just not where he thought he’d be by now. Then his mom was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago and then I really thought it wasn’t the time to bring up his distance and how I was starting to feel alone since I was making all the effort in the relationship–which had confused me because when we first started dating, he and I both agreed that a relationship takes work and effort from both people. But with all of this stuff dumping on him, I decided not to bring up my concerns with his change in behavior. He even had to move recently, and he made several comments about being bummed out, currently out of work, and I guess just feeling lost. I kept telling him that it’ll be ok, that it won’t be like this forever, circumstances always change and that he’ll get through it. I’ve listened to him endlessly, and he’s even thanked me on multiple occasions for hearing him out and for taking care of him (I’d give him massages at night and bring him food, and do other stuff to try and cheer him up). Then just yesterday, he told me that he had a long hard look at himself about two days ago and realized that he’s depressed and he’s got to deal with it. I then told him how I had been feeling and now it all makes sense, about how he had been pulling away. I told him that I just need to clear one thing up, and that’s if I was the cause or contributed at all to his depression. He said absolutely not, and if anything, if I hadn’t been in his life, he would’ve fallen into depression much sooner, he’s sure of that. But he still fell into it anyway. I then said that it’s ok, we’ll work through it and I don’t mind putting in the extra effort as long as we’re on the same page, that at the end of this dark time for him, that he still wants to be with me. Then he started talking about all this stuff he needs to come to terms with, and that he needs to deal with this on his own and doesn’t want me to be caught in the “crossfire” and he doesn’t feel comfortable with me putting in all the effort while he is not able to reciprocate right now. I told him that what we have is rare: a relationship built on respect, trust, loyalty, and just all the benchmarks of a great relationship. He said he knows but he just needs to get through this and that’s basically it. I’m so unbelievably heartbroken, I’m in shock that he came to this conclusion so quickly without even seeming to be all that upset. We were together for about seven months, and I know that may not seem like a long time, but we had a very deep and meaningful relationship, something that I thought he equally wanted. He kept saying that he doesn’t like to say this is the end, but I couldn’t help but say that that’s exactly what this is though. I kept asking if he was sure this is what he wanted, because this is so not what I want and I just want to be with him and work through this with him. But he hesitantly kept saying that it’s best if we break up. He also said he wants to keep the friendship for now, and that’s it. I just don’t know what to do. I really thought that he was the one for me, I saw myself marrying him and having a family with him. This came so quickly and I’m in such shock. I don’t know what to do. After reading through all these stories, none of them had positive outcomes. I don’t know if I should contact him (he hasn’t contacted me at all yet we spoke last night). I don’t know if I should keep the lines of communication open, mostly because I’m just so deeply upset and heartbroken over this. Is there any chance he’ll come back? He really wanted to be with me and pursued this relationship. It doesn’t make sense that all of a sudden he doesn’t want to be with me. I asked if I should wait for him, and he said no…that if I meet someone else, to go for it. But I don’t want to be with anyone else, I want to be with him. I told him that I didn’t expect us to come to this point, especially so quickly, and he agreed. He didn’t see this happening to us. I asked him how he could make this decision like this, and he said he didn’t know, that it must be his current frame of mind, his depressed state that’s making him feel this way. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. This was the best and strongest relationship I’ve ever had, but also the shortest.
I am so sorry to hear about this. It is a bit similar to my story: I also felt I had a good connection with this person and was really heartbroken to hear he wanted out. But he needs to help himself, you cannot do it for him…
I’m so sorry to hear that you have gone through something similar. I know people have to help themselves; I just wanted him to get the point that he doesn’t have to go through it alone, that I’m here to support him. I decided to just leave him be and let him think things over, that maybe we’ll just have a break. So I didn’t contact him at all. On Monday, my friend practically forced me to go with her to an amusement park because she didn’t want me to be wallowing in my sadness over what had happened. So I ended up going and when we came off of a ride, I checked my phone and saw a missed call and a text from him. I couldn’t believe it. I called him back immediately and he sounded so much better. He asked what I was doing, so I told him. He said he called just to talk and said he was very sorry for what he had put me through the last few days. It was never his intention to hurt me and that I don’t deserve that. He asked me to call him later. It felt ironic to me because the last time I had been to this amusement park was the same day as my first date with him, about seven months ago. Anyway, I called him when I got home and he was acting/sounding like the upbeat man I had come to know. We spoke for about an hour about regular stuff (not addressing what had happened), and I then asked if he wanted company and he said yes. So I went over to his place and stayed the night. Everything was seemingly back to normal, but I just couldn’t really understand what had happened. He even dragged me out of bed at 6am the next day to take a day trip to the mountains to go hiking and swimming. He took me to a path that he had been going to since he was a kid and says he’s never taken anyone up there expect me. But while on our way (a two hour drive), I finally had to address what had happened. He said he thought long and hard about what he needs to do and he said that he needed to pull himself out of his depression, and that we’ll take it one day at a time, but together. So I said, does that mean we’re still in a relationship? And he said, yes as long as you still want to be my girlfriend. I said yes and asked if he still wanted to be my boyfriend, and he said yes. I told him that whenever he’s having a bad day and he doesnt feel like talking or just wants to be alone, just tell me and he’s got it. I will always give him whatever space or time he needs (I’ve never been the clingy type anyway). All I can say is that I hope this is a good sign that our already strong relationship can get stronger and we can make it through the tough times. I hope he can see that I’m in this for the long haul, and that he doesn’t have to be alone in his struggle.
I am so happy that things turned out well for you! I hope it stays this way. It is sure a good sign that he said he decided to fight this and he wants you by his side. This is all I was asking from my boyfriend as well: that he would have the will to fight, and I would be there to support him. But I don’t see this happening for us… If things take a bad turn keep reminding him of his promise. I wish you all the best from the depths of my heart
I am so glad I read the comments on this article because yours is *exactly* what I’m going through right now and my heart swelled when I got to your. Ext comment about you guys working through it together. I’m *so* happy to read this and hope I have the same ending to my story! (Seriously, even your break up conversation sounded word for word like ours….)
We have not spoken for a couple of weeks, since he told me he wants to break up because he does not feel strongly for me. I recently started going to therapy, and when I told my therapist how shocked I was by what he said, she said that he was projecting his feelings onto me: he probably feels he is unlovable and cannot love himself, so he said he cannot love me. She told me I cannot do anything if he does not decide to help himself. I know this, I understand this. I have not contacted him in any way. But I keep thinking of him every day, and I am stalking him on social media, trying to see when/if he is active so as to get a clue about how he feels (I know that he goes offline when he is in a really bad place). I know this is not healthy and I hope I will gradually move on. If anyone has any tips about this…
Are there any outcomes that are positive? It is so crazy how someone can be the most wonderful partner in the world and then poof they are gone!!!
Exactly, I have been looking for any positive outcomes, seems like I am doomed as well. My relationship with my gf lasted 4 years, she was the love of my life and we planned marriage, until recently where she just wants to be alone and doesn’t want to be in a relationship, I figured out this was depression as she wants to be alone all the time and doesn’t want anyone at all. I gave her space and told her to maybe speak to a doctor but she refuses to as she feels they can’t help and she just wants me to move on with my life and not waste my time. So basically 4 years of loving someone and doing anything for them and still willing to support them through depression, they just throw you out just like that? I don’t understand why people with depression just refuse love and support. She did say she loves me a lot and cares for me a lot and that she just wants me to be happy with someone else? What do I even do? As I can’t give up on her but she is forcing me too
3 days ago my partner left me. We have had a relationship full of adventure. I moved to another country to be with him, followed him as he worked, I left my entire life behind for him. I gave him everything. He says he needs space to deal with himself but I’m absolutely heartbroken.. I can’t sleep, I keep having panic attacks, I haven’t eaten. i have reached out in multiple attempts, I have begged him to stay.. but he still left. Feeling so broken.
My partner of 8 years is leaving this coming Tuesday. She says she’s unhappy and needs to be alone. We have a 5 year old little boy together who loves his mom dearly, and 8 years of adventure, including moving to another country for work. I feel like death. Its the worst suffering and pain I have ever felt. I hope you’re feeling better, because I can relate, and it hurts so bad.
Absolutely relate!! My partner txt me yesterday to say he was on his way to his Mams, let’s face it the relationship is over and he’ll look for somewhere else to stay! WOW! What a blow! I rung him and he answered and said we needed to talk. He was blunt and cold but did return to talk.
To cut a long story short he hasn’t left! We both cried. He said a lot of things that don’t make sense to me. He has a lot of pressures at work. We’ve had a lot of pressures financial and a multitude of other things. And the past month has been hell. In the past month we disconnected! I felt it first and had a talk 2wks ago…he cried and opened up about a lot of things. But then somehow Saturday night pressures from an overly wired, super tired, refusing to sleep child, sent me over the top and I ranted how I hated this, that and the other. I let it all out and he was so cold. Usually he’d embrace me and reassure me. As I would him when times are tough. Not this time he was cold and so I kept pushing to get what I wanted but it ultimately pushed him further. I then received the txt yesterday the morning after!
I’m truly heart broken. We’ve had an amazing adventure for over 10years a wonderful daughter and have always been such a solid unit. Always had a connection. Always been one. I cannot fathom how one month of shit can completely and utterly destroy that.
He states his txt was bad? And that he was moving to not drag me and his daughter down and that he was doing it for us. But it doesn’t make sense he said a lot of stuff that doesn’t make sense and I’m left feeling deflated, ‘like death’ as you put it and I don’t know if I can get over he heartache!! Literally broken hearted. Never ever thought he’d do or say that.
Sorry just reread that. It was me who suggested we talk. And he states his txt wasnt bad.
On the 26th of May 2017 my husband and I will have been married 27 years but, we won’t be celebrating, I’m sure. You see, for the 12th time, he has move out. He lives in a shitty little motel on the side of a busy road. This is the same road I take to work and home every day so I have to see his work truck. This man cooks for me, does my laundry, walks the dogs, fixes me a plate of food and brings it to me. He does the dishes and has assigned himself chores on Sunday, like dusting. He always sits right next to me on the couch, always has a hand on me, and always tells me he loves me. Every morning, while I’m in bed, right before he leaves for work, he gives me three kisses, always three. He goes to work every day and gives me money towards the bills and savings. We have saved enough money and have begun looking to buy a home. Four years ago we broke up after too many years of him going from the best guy ever to stonewalling me, overnight. We went our separate ways and had very little contact for 7 months. After 9 months we got back together. For the 1st time,we did things together and he was perfect, for three years. I fell so dead in love with him but I always held back no didnt show it to the level I felt. I was afraid of the pattern of him stonewalling and leaving me. I now understand it’s depression. I was so good at handling him leaving, in the past. Two months ago. The 1st week of march he shut down. Stopped talking to me. If I ask what was wrong he would stare at the tv or get pissed and leave the room. If I cried he got angry. This went on for three weeks then he said he was looking for a place to live. I gave him money and said, ‘nope, you are leaving today.” I changed the locks as he loaded up his things. I thought it was my fault for being demanding but I think it is depression and stonewalling. I feel bad for handling it like I did. I feel bad that John is in pain. He does not speak to me at all except for 2 weeks ago, I got a text that read, ” if it makes you feel better, I do love you.” Then nothing, not a word. I haven’t heard his voice in so long or seen his handsome face. I’m waiting for the depression to leave but in the meantime, I’m not handling well this time. The sadness is overpowering. I’m super tough but this one, this time, I’m on the floor crying, Ive dropped 8 lbs and that’s a lot for a person 5’1″. This time before he comes home, he has to speak to a professional.
Same exact thing! I see him every day at work, 2 months now he has checked out. He sounds just like your husband. I miss that loving guy so much it literally hurts. Nothing I do or say can fix him. Fact is he may never return and that is heart breaking for me!!!
It sucks so bad, I know. It’s must be super hard to see him every day and he is ignoring you. That’s why I had my husband leave. Mine is still gone. He found out his mom is dieting so I’m sure that is going to prolong his depression. Is this the 1st time yours has gone into depression?
Dieing not dieting. That’s kind of funny.
I can’t tell you how similar our stories are… Literally! Right down to the three kisses. He never gives me one, always three. How are things with your relationship now? Has he gotten any help?
Hi!
It’s a relief to know that I am not alone in this. 3 days ago my boyfriend after 7 months of relationship broke up with me citing depression. He has been withdrawn from me from past 3 months. 2 months ago he suggested that this is not working and we should break up. He feels the burden of the relationship. I did not let him go and suggested a break instead. We hardly talked for a month. He came over to my city 3 days ago and broke up with me. He was there with me for 2 days to console me as I shattered in front of him. He said that he doesn’t love me anymore. He was suffering from depression and wants time. He said he will see a doctor soon. After making me accept the breakup, he felt lighter and talked and laughed after days. He complimented me a lot and kissed me goodbye. We made plans in passing to meet after 3 months as friends if he feels better. I’ve been broken since then. My every waking moment goes in missing him. I am not making any contact with him. But the pain and hurt has turned into a physical one. I am also worried about him. I want to keep in contact so that he knows that he can talk to me as a friend anytime. I want him to know that I am there for him no matter what. What do I do?
Hi!
First off I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this, it is awful and painful. I am going through something almost identical and I was wondering how you are doing? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, the last 4 months he has been completely isolated himself from me. We went from spending so much time together, constantly going on little trips, to seeing each other maybe once or twice a month. The more I pushed the more he pulled away, until finally 2 weeks ago he told me that his depression has gotten the best of him and he is tired of hurting me, he said he loves me and knows i deserve more and wanted to end our relationship. He said maybe one day if his demons subside we can try again but right now he needs to figure out why he is unhappy and how to deal with it. My initial reaction was to get angry because i don’t know why he wouldn’t want me to help him, especially if he is still in love with me. I messaged him a few times and got short responses that honestly made me feel worse. I hope that you are doing okay, if you have any tips that have been helping you please share!
My partner left me this morning. He has depression and anxiety but refuses to take meds as he says he does not like the way they make him feel. I have begged and pleaded with him to change his mind and just consider a different med but he insists he can do this on his own. We went out last night with friends and had a lovely eve…this morning he got up and left for work but did not say goodbye which i thought odd, and that maybe I hadn;t heard him as I was still in bed. I went downstairs to find the house keys on the table. He later sent me a text to say he is moving away. I am devastated. I cannot even think straight. he says he does not know what love is anymore, and yet we have been blissfully happy for over two years. I feel like my heart has been broken.
same here, the last 2 years have been more than I could ask for in a man. Two months ago he went into his depression said he was done. Will not talk to me! I am completely heart broken. You feel so very helpless because you cannot do anything to fix the problem!!
I want to tie mine up and punch him in the face sometimes and other times I feel sorry for him. It sucks waking up thinking, “maybe today is the day he texts me or comes home.” This disease is such a shiityshitty disease. It takes away everything. I just want to say screw it and let him figure it out.
There are SO many of us with similar stories but I have yet to read of a happy outcome.
First and foremost I want my husband to feel good – it breaks my heart to see the man I have known for over 30 years change so much – like there is this outer shell that I can no longer get through to – my best friend replaced with a stranger!
I can’t live with the fact he may go to his grave such a broken and dejected man & I feel like I have let him down somehow. However I have lost my grip on him.
I need to know what to do and even 2 pychologists have given me no real answers! Do I let go, stop pursuing contact with him knowing that I am probably one of the few people who ‘has his back’ despite his total rejection of me (he has left home, wanting a trial seperation).
This is such a bizarre, left of field curve ball that has impacted our family and I am at a loss.
Hi Krissie , I’m so sorry to hear your story . My husband of 36 years has also moved out & is unrecognisable in the same way . He wants to live alone , as a Hermit & says he doesn’t need people . He is spending all hours working & I also think , he is depressed . I believe he is seeing a Counsellor, but says our marriage is over & that he hasn’t lived me for 15 years . Our grown up children are totally devastated & confused , as are all our friends . I am totally distraught & don’t know what to do
It’s hard to comprehend isn’t it? While mine said he needed to be alone and to get away, he still manages to hold down a responsible job and, sadly, has started dating another woman! He has actually become a nicer person (what little I see of him) but I also see a sad, broken person and despite the rejection I still have this innate need to ‘fix’ him.
For me it is nearly 6 months and the grieving process has gone up and down. In some ways I feel a stronger more confident person (probably because I have to be) and my adult children are very protective of me and also very confused by his behaviour.
I can see he is depressed and feel responsible for creating the life that ‘broke’ him but I feel I have to start planning for a future that does not include him. I have moments when I feel strong and others when I fall apart and just can’t comprehend this bizarre situation.
I’m sorry this has happened to you also. It is a grieving process and us women are stronger than we know! We have to rewrite our future, rewrite our retirement plans and look after ourselves. At first I kept it quiet for his sake and to absorb the shock of the situation but by telling people, you will find support from people you didn’t expect and perhaps no support from those you thought you might!
realizing you are not alone or feeling crazy is very helpful. I just want to heal from the void of the one I love so much gone, but still alive!!
I know this is old, but I know people like me are going to come across this site and read all these posts. Honestly I feel like the reason why we don’t hear many positive outcomes is because people reach out when they’re going through this, but when things get better we tend to forget. I’m going through the same situation and I just scroll and scroll for clarity or positive outcomes and I haven’t seen many, but I know if they truly do love you and when they realize what they have done and they will come around.
Yup.. same thing just happened to me.. I want to see if anyone ever made breakthroughs.. my gf said she loved me and I was her soulmate.. then out of nowhere she needed to work on herself, and said I was a Bandaid and she was relying on me too much and felt bad for dragging me down.. even though I assured her she can always talk to me.. we broke up 2 days ago… and I’m still in shock. My heart hurts so bad… 😢…
Happened to me 2 days before you. 5 and a half years and now nothing. Saw her spiraling in front of me despite the meds (that were likely making her worse). I know I’m not without fault, but this is singelhandedly the worst thing to ever happen to me.
I am now in therapy to figure myself out and would suggest you do the same.
I’ve spent the day reading these comments and it seems to me that if it can happen once then it can happen again, and again. I’m on my second time of him leaving me as of this morning and I think I have to now protect myself and make sure it doesn’t happen a third time. I love him so much but I’ve been so miserable trying to hold on to him when he started to withdraw this time. I can’t put myself through it again. When he starts getting back in touch again (if he does) I’m going to just wish him well, even if it breaks my heart to do it.
I feel the same way, it breaks my heart for him. I saw this man full of joy and now he is so down. He wants me to leave him alone. I am so confused, hurt, missing him! It is like grasping at air.
Oh dear I’ve just realised ….my partners depression is very real .
Doctors , personality crisis , sadly her father died the very same week She had a bad operation (almost two years ago) so she /we couldn’t plan to have children without big risks and fear involved. I’ve been struggling like crazy to keep it all together. She moved out of the new flat and immediately is living full-time(~ ( 6Weeks so far)
with someone she has only just met a handfull of times at most. She has been under a lot of stress full on for two years and this is the outcome .
We only had each other and been together 9years, we split for 80days about 5years ago,she did I the same then under strees. This time it has been far more difficult for us / me to cope. I’m wondering should I try to contact her ? It’s been six weeks . I don’t want to make things worst if there is any hope for us, I really don’t know what to do, there is no family to call upon.
I’m absolutely smashed over this , No alcohol No coffee, just crying couple of times a day no sleep weight loss just about keeping in my head together thinking about this all day. I’m better than I was now I’ve started eating again.
I just wish there was something no could do I actually feel a little more worried for her head now poor thing . Any advice or ideas? It’s been six weeks since she went . She’s 28.
First and foremost I would like to say thank you for writing your article it has helped with my own research when it comes to depression and my partner who I believe suffers from depression. I really don’t know what I’m doing on here other than your article made so much sense to me and that I’m going through every single thing that is written on here in your article. I don’t know how to express myself on here so that I don’t write a novel of my own on this page regarding my relationship with my exboyfriend who I love dearly & Who I believe suffers from two types of depression. He’s never been diagnosed and a year ago he told me he was seeing a counselor but just to talk about his family he never gave me any details but from my knowledge that only took at least two weeks and to be honest I think he lied about it because honestly there were no signs that he was seeing a counselor, I never went with him nor saw proof of it and when he did say he went to see a counselor him and I were broken up at the time so who knows.
I have been with him for 4 years the past three years he has been in and out of my life and for only periods of time of 4months and then he would get into these moods swings that I know now are depression mood swings. During our first three years I thought he was doing me wrong with someone because he wouldn’t show any more love nor didn’t want to be intimate with me, I felt as if he had two women and to be honest my woman intuition told me that wasn’t the case but I could never figure out why he would act certain ways but that all changed in January 23. He started getting into his moods and started using the word depression a lot this time,I thought to myself “here we go again with the same pattern as last time” finally after him using that word depression several times I decided to research on it because someone like me would only think depression is just sadness for a day or two but I was surprised/shocked on what I read although my research was too late because he already had set his mind to move out and he did January .When he does leave we do not communicate whatsoever within that period of time of 3to4 months of what I now know is depression (mind you before this I always thought again it was either patterns another woman or just copping out ) Every time he wants to end the relationship he would always have good excuses to end it,i always thought he was just copping out of the relationship to be with someone else. Every time he would come back after 3 1/2 months after leaving to rekindle our relationship it would be around the months of May late April and the times that he ends The relationship it’s around holidays , Mid October to mid January, mind you this is every year for the past four years. Because of his patterns/ depression of actions and the research that I have done I say he has seasonal depression but I also think he has clinical depression as well. He knows what he wants when we are doing fine ,he wants a future, he wanted to get married ,he wants a house ETC. BUT when his irritability, sadness, anxious,Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness,Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex, Decreased energy, fatigue,Difficulty concentrating, making decisions
Trouble sleeping, Weight gaining,Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain. He no longer wants a future he would say I love you but only if I said it first, when it always used to be him who would say it or text it or show it , but that changes when he gets in his mood within those months.I’m just desperate for peace and not sure what kind of peace maybe on what should I do,im so used to not communicating within the 3 to 4 months but now that I truly know what’s wrong with him, do I reach out to him?? Again desperate for answers… my research on depression has answered a lot of my questions when it comes to him in and out of my life his mood swings and his actions but tell me why this time I am more emotional and hurting but when I thought he was doing me wrong in the past three years (and he truly wasn’t) I wasn’t so emotional… everything is just a confusion… help please
Hi Priscilla
It is futile attempting to ascribe any form of logical explanation to a partner suffering from depression. After all, we are simply a conglomerate of extremely complex chemicals and their interactions, so when these become defective due to whatever reasons, it is essentially the fabric of a person’s soul becoming corrupted. The various medications help for some time but they never cure the true causes. My partner did, to my surprise, respond via a fairly loving message when I recently sent a a gentle but neutral message of support. She has finally acknowledged, again to my utter surprise, that her medication (now a double dosage strength) has not been working for quite some time and she needs help from our GP and even a psychiatrist. So maybe some good may emanate from the bleak events of the past 6 weeks. But the fact remains that she is now diametrically shifted from the vivacious and loving woman I met 13 years ago and in spite of the Herculean efforts I made to ensure her happiness over the intervening years. But I have made one change in my approach in handling my own distress – I communicate what has happened apropos my relationship and no longer suffer in silence. The result – introductions to healthy women so wanting to be loved and cared for for which I have ample capacity. So I have taken the first steps in this direction and am making some reasonable progress in finding an adoring woman who will be treated lovingly and appreciatively by me. And my 13 year old relationship? That is possibly somewhere in the future, one way or another, but is now beyond my control. Life may choose to rather bless me with a normal, loving and supportive partner. I toast the future and hope …..
Priscilla, 27 years of marriage, 11 times he has left. Most of the time the irritability and ignoring me begins late Feb, early March and lasts 3 or 4 months. He usually leaves and has been gone now for 11 weeks. During this time he will not communicate with me. It’s a weird pattern. The past three years he was perfect, no depression and then one day…… BAM! How always comes back though. This time is the worst though.
This post helped me understand a lot, but it still hurts.
My best friend of years started dating 5 months ago. I knew he suffered from mental illnesses when we got together, but I had previously been his go-to so I felt like I could handle it.
Everything was wonderful after we stated dating. We had tons of fun and shared lots of memories and laughs. He would ALWAYS tell me how lucky he was to have me and how he would feel like dying if I ever left him.
About a month ago, he was feeling suicidal. At this point, he wanted me around. I took him to the local crisis center at his request and sat with him for 9 hours (while listening to him talk about wanting to kill him self). Finally he was transported to a mental health facility 2 hours away. He loved it because he said it helped so much. He called me everyday and expressed his love for me. When I picked him up after his week stay, his face lit up like never before when he saw me.
For a week or two after that, things were great. He was doing so well and we were probably even closer. However, the weeks after that he started to seem a little withdrawn. He didn’t want to talk to me or see me as much, he was content with sitting at home all day, and he overall showed no interest or emotion in anything.
I of course noticed and tried to get him to open up and talk to me more about what I can do to help. He said nothing, but that he is afraid of me leaving because of his state of mind. I had to always reassure him that I wouldn’t leave him. We had so many big life plans.
The last time I saw him was 4 days ago. We met for lunch and he seemed happy to see me. Afterwards, we hugged and kissed goodbye.
That night he started acting weird and texting me things like “I don’t know if we will last” and talked about wanting to end things before he could hurt me years from now.
The next day, just 2 days after seeing him, he messaged me saying he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. I was completely taken back and tried to talk to him to figure out why. In the matter of 2 days he completely shut me out. He deleted anything involving me on all social media, refuses to meet up to talk or even talk on the phone, and does not respond to any of my messages seeking for answers.
The small bit I did get him to talk though, he seemed angry. His excuse for leaving is that he feels numb and empty since leaving the mental institution. Part of me feels like it’s the medication they put him on in there, mixed with feelings of depression. I have been a mess. Completely broken and hysterical and it seems he has no sympathy or consideration of my feelings. It seems like he just wants me gone from his life completely, claiming he “can’t see the future” and “I can do better than him”. Keep in mine, this is just days after him begging ME to never leave him and always love him.
I’m just confused. Does depression/medication make you feel numb and/or change your wants and feelings in a heartbeat? And should I stop trying to contact him since he seems as though he doesn’t want to even hear my name?
Yes, meds can definitely make you feel numb. And indecision/inability to see a future is also part of depression and could be a side effect of meds. Some meds can be really worse for depression than helpful… I hope things have been getting better, it sounds like he really loves you. Depression and meds are both messing with his clarity.
The hundreds of posts contained in this site almost read like a prepared script – and I have again found my dealing with the ever increasing severity of depression of my long term (13 year) female partner reads just the same. It is heart rending
I have struggled to keep the relationship on track as my partner was afflicted by 3 really bad marriages and 2 equally bad interim relationships. So when I met her all those years ago I felt blessed to be able to direct my emotional resources to retrieving all the lost years of zero love, care, indifference, etc which she had become so accustomed to
But I had no idea she was also struggling to contain the destructive and corrosive effects of depression.
I welcomed her and her youngest 13 year old daughter into my home for 3 years and expected nothing in return except a devoted and loving companion. Two of my 3 children were also still at home starting university studies
The result of all my good intentions driven by an overwhelming love for my partner? No surprise…
She has again advised, in the traditional brutal manner, that she cannot be in a relationship after doing this several times over the past 5 years but always returning. She has described herself as numb, devoid of any emotions, her work pressures are stressing her so severely, etc. There is never any hope of her articulating her innermost emotions, thoughts, hopes, aspirations, etc. They seem to be entirely absent. I always fervently believed that the loving and consistent affirmations that I directed to her would let her finally realise she actually belonged to an adoring partner and would displace the debilitating effects of depression and other distressing influences. And then throw into this toxic mix the now 26 year old, bipolar 1 daughter who still lives at home with no prospect of finding a life of her own. Started her 7 th year at university with absolutely nothing achieved to date and little prospect of that ever changing. And my passive partner just accepts this status quo. The daughter has compelled my partner to disallow me to visit their home for the past 2 1/2 years after she became physically belligerent to me during what I later realised was a manic episode. 6 months later she was placed into a psychiatric clinic for nearly 3 weeks where the diagnosis was made. Her other 2 daughters are also maladjusted individuals who, for many years, were truly obnoxious to my partner. It is dreadful to behold all the animosities that are continually at play in her family
I have again tried to gently coax her back into a real life reality with neutral reminders of the thousands of happy memories I created with her – for example, a few photos of the many venues I took her to to celebrate our meeting anniversary, Valentines Day, her birthdays, Mothers Day, etc. The result – no responses of any kind forthcoming. I have learnt that there is no alternative but to leave her alone – in the past there has been a bewildering recovery which would suddenly emerge after weeks of black silence from her. And she would make absolutely no mention of her depressed state or the fact that it had occurred – it is akin to a person emerging from a coma with no short term memory of previous events. I was just so thankful for her return and never discussed it with her. The real and sickening worry is always whether she will return after a new episode
So now the dreadful and agonising wait continues after this recent episode. I notice that she is always so tolerant of others’ bad behaviour towards her. But let me, as her loving partner, voice the slightest dissent about her often callous treatment of me or the little time she makes for our relationship. It’s like a Claymore mine exploding in my face. Harsh, brutal, spiteful behaviour engulfs me from her. There is never an apology forthcoming nor one accepted from me even when I apologise for events not of my making.
My two adult daughters are excoriating me for endeavouring to always sustain the relationship. Their exhortations for me to leave are indeed filled with truisms about the futility of remaining with her. But I will wait and see what the outcome is and hate every moment of waiting. The problem is that we, who are the loving, balanced and emotionally stable partners know that many opportunities of experiencing happiness together are being sacrificed on the alter of depression and it’s concomitant mordant behaviours. And the ever constant reminder that time is so precious and irreplaceable when lost due to the demon called depression
I wish all those who recount their harrowing experiences of depression driven behaviour of their partners find some measure of succour in describing their acute pain on this site. For me it provides a measure of catharsis and hope it will do the same for fellow readers and contributors
I feel your pain. I have a similar story. I’m sick and tired of being treated like crap all the time, waiting for those few bright moments to appear and waiting for the person we once knew to return, but the truth is will they ever fully be themselves again? Were they just feeling good when we met them, and the “new” feeling of a relationship that made them feel really good for awhile? That’s what i long for, the person i once met to return to me.
As you mentioned, i hold my tongue constantly, i always monitor what I say in fear of a reaction that is completely blown out of proportion and misconstrued to the 10th degree. It’s like they take whatever you say and turn it around and someone it’s all about them and in a bad way.
But they have no problem hitting us below the belt where it hurts, saying mean, spiteful things, god forbid we said such things to them.
How is any of this a healthy relationship? we walk on eggshells and can’t express our feelings which is the most basic of a healthy relationship. Are we wasting our precious time? I’m beginning to think so, i feel I have been in denial for way to long, because i was always hoping that the old person would return, i thought the more i cared and loved the more they would appreciate it, nope, it’s in fact the exact opposite,it seems the more you try and love and care for them the more they try and plow you over.
I’m going on three months now with zero contact, i’ve written letters, texts, voicemails, went in person, which was a complete disaster every single time, which is just heart wrenching. Everyone around me says to give it up already, cut your ties, move on to someone that actually cares for you and loves you. I never wanted to hear it, wanted to always keep hope. But how long does one hope? I could hope forever, but i expect a little respect and love in return, which i get none of.
Have all of you felt that your relationship has been one sided for a long time? Your the one to put in all the effort, the one to make the plans, get in contact, always trying to keep the relationship afloat, for what?
Hi Katie
Thank you for your comments and response. These allow us and others to clearly recognise that depression is the master of those suffering from its malignancy. It takes no prisoners and leaves the loving partner often shattered and bewildered
Your last paragraph succinctly describes such a relationship – it is always so lopsided with the healthy partner ( the you’s and me’s) scrambling to eternally over compensate in an effort to avoid a collapse of one’s partner which is always lurking just beneath the surface. I have one question which I alluded to in my original narrative – she was always so passively accepting of everyone’s disgusting behaviour to her. But ruthless to me, the only one person who has truly loved and cared for her in her entire life. What is it about depression that lets her single me out for this inhumane treatment?
I am not sure,but i feel your pain. I feel any comment can be turned around and it’s all are fault. But our partner can say the exact same thing, and we wouldn’t even think of it as being negative. I remember once i finally expressed my opinion of something that was hurting my feelings for a very long time, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, it was killing me inside, and so i went ahead and said it, i was not mean, or deameaning in any way, i was calm, i thought the conversation went well, and I was met with dead silence for 2 weeks, followed by a nasty, below the belt text message where my words were taken completely out of context. I was devastated, because a. I can’t even express my feelings b. The guilt i felt afterwards was unbearable, even though there is nothing i should really feel guilty about. C. Now looking back it seems emotionally abusive
Why do you stay? The only reason i stay is this was the “one” we both knew we were perfect for each other and that there was no one else out there more perfect for us. That’s what makes this so cruel
I absolutely agree with you Katie everything you describe ,I feel yes all one sided “I give ,he takes”there is NOTHING in return .i am so tired of waiting for a small ray of hope
Its so comforting hearing someone out there is suffering too,however I feel sorry for you all too as I really do know how you feel.should we put up with it NO but we love them dont we and want to make things right.its the weekend again I used to really look forward to this time together,now I just fear that he will be in a bad place and completely ruin things.Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back!!!
I cant stand the pain, besides he leaving me and acting like all the others mentioned, saying just short things when asked he is cheating like crazy on internet, and it hurts so bad that I feel like dying…
I watch him online on some chatting apps untill very late, but he never calls me and when I asked why he is doing this, (I was needing just ONE REASON from him to block him and stay milles away) He said he needs to stay aparted until he understands what happened to us….ouch…what happened I know he just hit the bottom on his ongoing depression…and all of a sudden became a stranger…..please what do I do? I cant stand knowing he is talking to someone else what he should be talking to me
My bf of 8 years recently dumped me because of “Change of mindset” . I am a very religious person though I started a relationship with him thinking he is gift for me from the God himself long time back. We were together in highschool and still together sometime ago. As we are also in a struggle period of making a stable career depression is obvious. It all started few months ago when he suddenly stopped contacting me saying that his Phone is broken(we are in a long distance relationship) . We did not use any social media for contacting other than whatsapp. We have all decided to make agreat life together such long time back. Actually he proposed me for marriage right after he said he loves me. He is so so so good that i fell in love with him more every time we met. But suddenly when he stopped contacting me i started worrying too much that was obvious. I used to cry each and everyday and missed him so bad. Somehow i got into contact with him through a common friend. We met he told me he misses me. We again came into regular contact with other . After few months he limited contact with me. He was not at all romantic anymore he said he is depressed and needs some rest. I never forced him for anything BUT being a human i found myself in a miserable conditions sometimes. I was really out of my mind that i became angry and made him call me and talk to me forcefully. I needed care and love from him. He didn’t show any care. He used to reply to my text very late saying he was busy and that was totally okay with me. One day i asked him to talk to me. We talked till 3 am but he gave some kind of indications in between our hot and cold conversation that we can’t be together for a lifetime. My heart broken into pieces but somehow i managed and convinced myself that its just his anger saying it to me. He never picks up my calls. Responds very late and become angry if i try to make any contact woth him. He became very unromantic. I knew that he is depressed and can’t handle the stress of the relationship as well. I wanted to help him but he never let me help him. Few days ago he broke up with me saying he doesn’t want me anymore and hates me the most. He said I am a ba dperson to live with because i spy on him( which i never did, i just used to ask him few questions that made him mad sometimes). I am so broken now. I don’t know what to do. I want to help him. He also talked but taking his own life. I am scared I want to help him but how can i if he doesn’t let me get in to his space??? Please help me. I want him to come out of depression and love me again as he did some days ago. I want him so bad. I miss him each and every moment. Currently I am in a no contact period.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, i am also in a no contact period, not because i wanted it but because i’ve been getting the silent treatment for months, and i literally have no idea why, it was mid text conversation, no fighting or anything.
I hate how they shatter our hearts, and just leave us to pick up the pieces, its not fair. We all long to be back to the place we all started. I only stay around because he’s the “one” for me and i’m also the “one” for him or was until the depression came. That’s what makes it so tough, it’s like a monster took over and stole the person we once knew.
I don’t know what to do at this point either, everyone tells me to move on because regardless if you are depressed i deserve to be treated much better as do you. As a therapist told me just because a kid has ADHD and he punches a kid in class, the ADHD is not to be used as inexcusable behavior, and just because someone is depressed they also should be able to show common respect, etc.
It is so hard to give up when you really love someone. I know I should let the Lord heal my heart from the loss and move away from holding on. Fact is if he ever comes back it will happen again and I cannot handle the heart break!
My husband suffers from very bad depression. He took it all out on me , with demestic abuse, verbal abuse and mental torcher…we have only been married 5 months and he left me after one month of marriage…i tryed my best to save the marriage but he continued abusing my good nature…playing mind games and dumping me every 2 days when we decided to give it a go…he broke my heart so many times i couldnt cope with it and eventrally left him 3 days ago…theres no contact ive had to stop it because he has been very cruel to me and i dont deserve it…he is on meds and also councilling but i find hes getting worse…i dont know were the man is i married…i love him so much but i cant get hurt emotionlly anymore its killing me and he has become very cold and selfish like he doesnt care anymore…i find he has fallen out of love with me and its distroyed me…with the constant abuse and horrible mind games he has done to me i can never except him back and i have walked away to keep my own sanity safe.
This article has helped me a little. My partner of 3 years is the most amazing and loving man and step dad to my daughter. 18 months ago he sank in to a depression for a couple of months where he was angry, tearful, lost, suicidal! He came through it but not after pushing me away and changing his mind several times. It was hard but I was supportive. Following this we had an amazing 12 months and planned for a baby. A baby he wanted more than anything after being unsuccessful for years in a previous relationship.
I am now 5 months pregnant and we have gone from over the moon, excited, in love. To dead. Literally nothing. He doesn’t feel the same. It’s not what he wants. He Ioves me but won’t be with me.
I am in a whole world of pain. I don’t understand it. I have tried to be supportive but he has gone from admitting he is depressed to simply blaming the relationship. He is hiding in his parents house and has said we can talk when I’m ready. I only hope that in a few weeks I may get some sense, some compassio, some hope from him
Right now I am struggling to cope but desperately hoping this is temporary and he will come back like last time
I’m so sorry to hear your pain and confusion. I lived for 18 years with my wife and mother of my two daughters. She often suffers with deep depression and then will pull out unexpectedly. I know it’s said often but sometimes only time helps. She finally left to try to find her happiness elsewhere. It isn’t working but I’m no longer tied to her. I still miss her but it’s been two years and I’m seeing that life is beautiful again. I wish I had some advice. I just wanted to try to give you some encouragement that life goes on and can be exciting again after deep confusion and loss.
Thanks so much for your reply Phil!
We have had a horrific few weeks! He just told me it was over, he doesn’t feel the same for me and I pretty much haven’t heard from him since! He met my daughter and was the same with her. He denies this is anything to do with his depression and even denied the last time he was clearly ill and blamed that on the relationship. He has been so cold. So cruel. When I am at my most vulnerable and I need him!
I am so up and down, so hurt and confused but the man I love that existed until 6 weeks ago is gone at the moment.
I need to focus on my daughter and connecting with this pregnancy but it’s hard through the heartbreak, the anger, the grief and the fear.
The disbelief and the anger will get me through at the moment but the two extreme outcomes here are he comes back and admits he needs help, or he walks away from us completely including the baby both look unlikely. I then need to deal with the mess that’s in the middle.
It’s hard not to believe the things, nasty things he has said to me. I have to believe this is illness or I will go under myself
So glad that things are brighter for you!! Hearing that people have endured this for years makes me think maybe I am better off accepting a future without him x
It hurts to read what you are/have been going through. I know exactly how it feels to have a partner change from one day to the next, and being left in utter despair and confusion (repeatedly…). It seems devastating that this would happen while you are pregnant. I have no advice, but I am sending you, your daughter, and your baby all the love and support in the world. Please know you are not alone, and you do not deserve this. I also hope your partner will find a way to heal, for everyone’s sake! Bless you, and take good care of yourself through all this! <3
I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I recently celebrated 3 years together, 2 years of marriage. We have a 16 month old daughter and I am 7 months pregnant with our second child. He left on 1/28. I too am looking for answers. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Hugs mama.
On 30yh July, my husband he was going to the shop. I found him unconscious in our bath, fully clothed. He smelled of alcohol. It took him 2 days to recover. He had gone to a woman’s house just 20 doors away and got blind drunk. Things have never been right since that night. He said he would get help for his binge drinking. He told me he loves me and didn’t want to throw 20 years away. 6 weeks later, after not drinking for 6 weeks, he said he wanted to separate as he wasn’t happy and felt lost. He said he wanted fun. So I let him go. His rages got worse, he refused to talk to me when he was sober, but when he wanted to talk he was so full of rage, anger and hate. So I had the locks changed. I personally think he has had some sort of mental breakdown. Could it be depression?
Hi Everyone,
I am currently going through chemotherapy for breast cancer. I was diagnosed on April 2016. Prior to the diagnosis, me ex boyfriend and I ended things on February 2016 after being together for 4 1/2 years. It’s just been devastating to watch him spiral down even further with depression. He had already gained about 80 lbs. from when we first started dating and he loves to gamble too. The combination of both had put a strain on our relationship but I was still willing to help him. When we broke up he said, “I’m all fucked up. It’s not fair to take someone like you on a journey in my fucked up world where I have no idea about anything and don’t know what I want.” After he mentioned that, we still keep in contact. Then, two months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and he was there emotionally and financially. But as time went on, he would send me texts saying that I need to move on and get over him and to stop reaching out to his friends. I always responded nonchalantly with “Ok no worries” because I knew if I responded negatively it would get nasty and in return it doesn’t help any of us. I followed up with him last week via email stating that I’m there for him if he needs anything because he’s going through his own personal difficult journey. Instead, I received an email stating that he prays for me often for my health and happiness. Also, that he’s in a new relationship and that things are going well. It definitely broke my heart because we ended things on good terms about 8 months ago. I thought we had a chance of getting back.But as time goes on, he’s just getting more irritable and pushing me away. I’ve noticed he’s gained even more weight from the last time I saw him. I know this is not him and it’s the depression talking. I don’t think he recognizes he even has a problem and it’s sad to watch him spiral down and pretend everything is fine. Even though with my condition, I still want to be there for him and have him seek help. Any suggestions?
Firstly, I so hope you are ok and that you have had favourable treatment. I realise this comes a little late but I have to ask? Where do you fit in this picture? I mean you are an amazing woman waiting for someone who doesn’t care enough about you….. Does he even care you have breast cancer? What about you???
Pardon me, but fuck him…. He is not good enough for you. I’ve been through this very experience except mine with cervical cancer being left by my bi polar boyfriend of 9 months. He forgot about the biopsy dates, then a week before my operation he ended things. That was 2 weeks ago…. Please right yourself 2 lists, one for your absolute dream relationship with all your wants and then lost out everything your ex dos of significance (good and bad)…. My bet is he is nothing like the man you had hoped for.
I hope you kicked his ass to the curb….. It is cerainly where I am leaving my ex. A friend of mine once said ‘the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is the one who will be there to change you colostomy bag’ – for better and for worse….. They are out there…. Don’t settle for anything less than your true amazing self deserves ????And I sincerely hope that you are in a much better place with your health. Sending you love and happiness.
My partner of 5 years has left. We had just been on 2 holiday. He always treated me with respect put me first. Now hes blicked me not talking and hiding. Healily drinking working 7 days a week. Left his belonging. I tried the gentle approach. He said basicalky we had been rowing. I replied with dates of holiday and showed no rows. He said hes in a bad place in his head has been from a child. He told me its our relationship thats the problem and he dosnt have feelings for anything. He said he dosnt want to fix us as hes emotionally broken. I responded with how do you think i feel im emotionally broken and dont know what the problems are about. The week earlier he eas wanting to plan another holiday for this year and was getting me to book time of work for next year. On holiday i witnessed bad anxiety attacks on several occassions. When we got home he didnt want to go back to work. He had also mentioned about thoughts going round in his head non stop about alsorts of stuff. I wish i had of seen the signs before he just left. But he hides a abusive up bringing. Hes with family. Hes not responding to my son his mothet friends etc. its 5 weeks now, i left him alone for last 3 weeks and just sent an email saying i miss him and the goid 5 years we have had. No a response. Its so hurtful.
My husband of 16 years suddenly woke up on July 4 of this year and told me he had to move out. Needless to say, I was beyond shocked! He has been diagnosed with depression by one Dr. And Bipolar by another and he has severe OCD. We have gone through years of different Dr.’s, medications, lifestyle changes but he always felt that none of it helped. He is a very faith strong person and wants to listen to God for help. He moved out 5 days after his revelation to me about leaving. He says he feels trapped in our house. We have a 15 yr old at home and a 25 yr old on his own. I knew he was suffering from depression as he kept telling me he was in a “dark place” but we had worked through these many times. He told me that the room he had rented was for three months and that he just needed this time and space. We didnt talk a lot for the first month or so. I went through sadness, anger, thinking he was seeing someone else and the manic need to things I thought would make him happy – liking exercising, cleaning and purging my house. Eventually we started to talk more and he would come over o his days off to see us. We both talkes about how much we loved each other and how strong our love is. He said he felt like our son and I would be happier without him – not feeling like we had to walk on eggshells all the time and with me not always trying to “save him”. The 3 months are almost up and I see no sign of him coming back home. I love him and am trying to be patient and give him the time he needs. I am hopeful for a happy outcome but will have to wait and see. We text everyday and tell each other how much we love the other. Hard to realize that with depression and mental disorders, love may not be enough to keep you together!
My fiancé has suffered from depression long before we met. She’s had minor episodes in the past but we always managed to pull through. Our wedding date was getting close and she decided she wanted to postpone the wedding. This upset me but I agreed because I wanted her to have the wedding she wanted. She would then want to reopen the wedding on the original date but we had done notified everyone that it was postponed. Two weeks prior to our original wedding date, she left. She told me that she wanted to go away for a while and take time to herself to figure herself out. I tried to talk to her about it and I thought we worked it out but the next morning she was gone before I woke up.
The first week that she left, she came home to get clothes and go back to her friends. She talked about wanting to date and this made things seem hopeful. She would message me often and she started wearing her engagement ring again. But, the following week when I tried to contact her she began telling me that she sees me as a friend and nothing else. I thought that was a drastic change in feelings. Further attempts in contact would result in arguments. She would say that I’m not respecting her decisions, not giving her the space she asked for, that I’m pressuring her to be with her. I try offering support and she knows that I do want to be with her, but to me my priority is her getting better. We’ve cut off communication as far as social media, and our texting is almost non-existent. She says that she feels that she is bad for me and that I need to move on and be happy and that she wants to move on as well. That when I have moved on she would like to be friends then.
I really don’t know what to do from here. We’re are both going to see a counselor. I would like to eventually see one together but in her current mood, that doesn’t seem to be an option.
I’m glad I found this site. Maybe you could all help me. I want to understand what’s going on with someone with depression. I fell inlove with someone who’s going through hell. He had really bad relationships and the last one was worst. He lost 2 daughters and that’s the only thing he wants. He hated the world and wants to be left alone. I did everything, I made sure he felt he’s not alone even if we’re miles away. Even if he pushed me away I stayed and check on him time to time on facebook until we became friends. Then oneday he asked me if I want to see him, he said he wanted to try and see how it feels being loved again. Then we plan on his trip..The time we were waiting as okay. Although he’s having times when he doesn’t want to talk, he made sure I am loved. Until his ex did something again. Then all of a sudden he said he doesn’t want to do anything for anyone anymore. That after everything he’s being treated as sh*t. We’re still okay, we already planned of seeing each other. Before he came here, he said he doesn’t want us to romanticize everything. That we will just keep it cool and not romanticized everything. When we met, I can feel the walls but we were okay. There are time he’s playfull and even if we didn’t really enjoyed that much since we got nothing to go it was okay as what he said. We wrestle and watch movies but we never talked about us. A night before he leave, he said its not goodbye but see you soon. When he gets back to where he works, He said nothing has changed. We’re still the same. He lets me know if he cant message me and checks on me time to time. He even buy and send me stuff I don’t even ask. We talk everyday and when one time I said whatever happens I want him to remember I love him he asked if I’m feeling distant. He said I should not take everything personally when he’s having time when he doesn’t want to talk. I always give him space. Until oneday, I was lonely and going through something so I asked about us, if we were in a relationship. He said I don’t know. I don’t think we are. I was shocked. I didn’t know that. Then he explained that he thought I understand that there’s no black and white in his emotions. That after what he has gone through he don’t see being connected to another adult and he thinks its not gonna happen again. But I was sad too so I never stopped asking him about us even he’s saying he doesn’t want to talk about it. I told him that I’m hurting so much that I felt so bad I felt so stupid and assumed. He said, But I kept asking so he explained that I should not expect consistency in his actions. I kept saying he should have told me we’re not in a relationship etc, that I love him but I am hurt..He said, he cares for me immensely and he is okay to have whatever we have and still talk everyday, and is also okay if I do what I gotta do to be happy and we will stll talk everyday. The next day I asked again if he wants me to wait. He said no. I asked why. He said he doesn’t want to talk about it and I kept asking again. Then he said I don’t want to go into depth because I might be brutally honest and hurt you even if its not intentional. I still asked, he said I don’t have the traits he’s looking for a wife atleast with the lifestyle of his work. I was shocked! I mean, after everything. Then I kept asking and he just blocked me. But when I called and asked sorry and that I’m okay as friends, he said I just don’t want to talk about it and then added me again. I’m confused. Does this mean he really doesn’t want me or its because his mind is not in good state. I’m in denial I guess although we still talk. Does he really not want me or is it just his depression? What should I do?
I will be officially divorced on august 3rd from a man that I was married to for 18 years. he was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder and abandoned myself and our children in January. In October of last year his sister overdosed on meth and pain pills and prior to that we had lost 4 other relatives in 4 years, which 3 we had seen pass in front of us. We have three children and two are bipolar and the eldest is also major depressive disorder. All of my children are on medication and thriving, but my ex freaked out on me and started mixing Prozac and alcohol so we changed his meds.. Then he started stealing my debit card, verbally and emotionally abusing our kids, broke a dogs back, and quit bathing and slept on the floor. He accused me of being out to get him and controlling his every move. The strange part is, was he was the one that was obsessed with controlling me. I would ask for help with the kids and he would scream no and leave for 10 hour motorcycle rides and then the next day act as everything was fine. I never knew who the hell was walking through the door.
He was verbally and emotionally abusive for about 2 years. He had cycles that he would go through and the became shorter and shorter. Toward January when he abandoned us he became psychotic and screamed at me and left. He went disappeared for a couple of days and then called me to tell me he did not want to talk to me. He then texted me to tell me that I could not control him any longer and that I needed to get over him and to have a good life and that I would have to raise those retarded children. For the next 5 months he screamed at me and stalked my house. He accused me of trying to control him and harassed me. Then out of no where he approached me and I calmy talked to him. He remembered nothing from January. He thought I threw him out and he was the victim. I had to file for divorce bc by then he was whoring around with women in bars. By the time I finished with the conversation he was crying. Since then each time I have seen him he has gained or lost 20 lbs and he looks dirty or clean. There is no balance. He is still whoring around and he is constantly harassing me. He told my son that he was going to take a pistol and blow my face off so we had to get a sheriff out there on him. He has never in my life been like this. Its so sad bc the man I married years ago was gently and kind. The person that I am divorcing is a animal that is depressed and caged. He makes no sense when I talk to him and he literally has made himself psychotic and he will not take medication bc he believes its evil.
My story
Friends for over 22 years
More than friends for almost 10 years
Living together for 6 years
Married for 5.5 years
Overall it has been a great relationship. We had a few rough patches through the years and dealt with typical marriage issues. Mostly problems with communication. But is was a happy very loving relationship.
Strangely, this all started when things have finally started falling in place. Everything is good. There aren’t any issues we are facing outside of the depression.
It seemed to start in January, although looking back I think it may have slowly started a year prior. Although we were happy, he was having sexual issues. He became difficult, argumentative, illogical, and unloving in January.
We contacted our counselor in February. We had seen her a year back when we were going through a rough patch. By April things spun out of control. That is when our counselor recommended a phychiatrist for him. It was scary. It was like many here have also written, I was the one to blame. I was told the “I still love you but am not IN love with you” line many here have been told.
He was angry and mean and every few days would come up with another reason why it was my fault. It started with “you go on and on about the stress in your job and it’s too much negativity.” Although he also would say this position was the least stressful position I have had in a long time. Within a week that was no longer the reason it was my fault and there was a new reason.
He start on zolft in April. My son and I left for a week to visit friends. Our home was not a good pkace to be. By May he had chilled out. Wasn’t so scary. Still very distant, still not in love with me, still illogical in arguments. But not so scary.
Beginning of June our couples session became two individual sessions. We all agreed it would be easier. It helped me because I could express what I wanted to without fear of upsetting him. Also, our counselor validated my concerns and perception and I started focusing on taking care of me. I could also give her information on what had been happening so she had better insight to help him. He had blood work in June which showed very low vitamin D levels so he is also taking 50,000 vitamin D a week along with 100mgs of zoloft.
July has been easier but it’s tough because it’s like I’m living with a stranger. As this month has gone by he has started to recognize that what he is going through is not my fault. He is more caring but nowhere near how he once was.
Last week I went to the psychiatrist with him because she had mentioned during a past appointment that she would like to talk to me.
Since he was having a “good” day he told her things were good, medicine was working, everythings fine. I then had my chance to speak and I only stated facts and gave examples. He didn’t deny any of it….
When the phychiatrist asked what we fight about he couldnt give an answer. I gave her some examples which demonstrated him basically flipping out over nothing. He then said I try to control him. When asked how, he said I told him he should go to bed at a certain time. I then calmly explained that I told him he should listen to his doctors advice and try and stick to a sleep schedule because his sleep is all over the place. That I noticed after a few nights of only 4 to 5 hours of sleep he is much more moody and our son and I are affected by that. I said, I’M not trying to control you, I’m trying to help you and us. She pointed out his blessings.
After the session we talked for about an hour in the car. I mostly listened and reassured him that I’m there for him. He said, “imagine if everyone is telling you that what you are thinking and feeling isn’t true,…I feel like I’m crazy…imagine if everyone is telling you that you have to do this and you have to do that…it’s just too much.”
She upped him to 150mgs. Today is day 3 on 150mgs.
Last night we spoke again. He said it isn’t my fault and that he doesn’t know what is going on with him. He also expressed sadness that he can’t give me what I deserve…love and affection.
So he is less argumentative, but now just seems sad, overwhelmed, and confused.
I keep reading as much as I can about depression. Articles, scientific literature, blogs, and comment boards. I’ve called an old friend who has suffered with depression to hear her insights.
What I’ve learned.
I’m going to support him. Not help him. I’m going to show him I’m there for him but not give him advice or share my thoughts of why this happened. For example, I was reading reputable scientific papers on how low magnesium can cause depression and how supplementation has demonstrated marked improvement. I won’t share this information with him. Instead I will make homemade granola bars filled with magnesium rich foods;)
I will do little things to let him know that I care without him feeling he is required to do anything in return. I will listen to his feelings, and not point out if they sound irrational. That is tough to do…but I’ll keep reminding myself he is suffering with a mental illness.
I’ve gone through so many emotions since this has started. Anger, Fear, loneliness, sadness
I’ll keep you updated along the way.
Hi Mia. Wondering how things are with you and your husband? Just recently my boyfriend of 15 years just shut me out of his life. We did not live together but saw and talked with each other almost every day! Four years ago, he had to place his mother into a long term care facility because of dementia. He feels responsible for having to put her there and seeing her deteriorate. The only way he seems to cope with this is by smoking pot and drinking, he also takes a anti-depressant, not good.
I wish I could be there for him to console him but he will not let me in. He feels like we have been only friends these past few years, but I know he is going through a lot with his mom and did not want to push myself on him and give him some space. I feel like you feel, sad, lonely and scared also that things will never be the same again. I have started seeing a counselor. Take care.
As I seek answers to what depression is and I see that I’m not Alone in seeking the answers to why our partner just picked up and left. Can Depression really make a loved one just pick up and leave out of nowhere after living together for 5 years and being together for 7? The answer is yes. Its hard to believe I loved just Abandoned me (that’s how I felt) and left me to figure out everything Rent, bills, etc. She packed light and left to her parents (but still left everything else, all her other belongings) and really didn’t communicate with me the reason why but that her parents needed her and she can do this now. I was sad and torn that she left me. Just a week ago she told me “Baby, I love you so much”. All too much to me to handle. I was her everything, we would always be together and joke and do what couples do. when she moved out, I would call to see how she is doing and she would answer Rude and mean. Like I was Nothing to her. It broke me, I have never felt this pain before. I could take physical pain because its temporary but heart, mind and soul pain is different. I couldn’t take it, The apartment felt empty and sad. I missed her touch, smile, laugh and her smell (getting teary eyed writing this). I started to drink and I wasn’t eating anymore. I guess it was post breakup depression I fell into. We would talk here and there. I would always bring up if she loved me or are we going to get back together. She would tell me No, she doesn’t love me anymore. So I decided to move out and surround my self with my family for support. When the day came she asked me to have her things in the storage with mine. that was a year today. Few Months back she went to the Dr and was told she was depressed and started to take medication. I give her that, she does reach out to me for support and just to talk about how she’s feeling. It still hurts because I still love her and miss her. But all I can do is be patient and be there for her.
She does have good days and then her bad days. More bad than good. She told me that she just feels at 36 she hasn’t done anything with her life and feels she does too much for her family and little for herself. I told her that she must make and love herself before anything. I sometimes think “does she even love me, care, worry or even think of me??” I will never know but I guess she tries to show me some affection by buying me concert tickets to my favorite band. Love conquers all??? I guess we will see.
Dee – I know the feeling. My boyfriend is doing the same to me. It’s been a few months since your post. How are things now?
Hey, i’m going through a tough time as well. My boyfriend left me cause if his depression and idk what to do. Has anything gotten better since you wrote this?
These stories are oh so similar to mine. I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years (this time round – we first dated 35 years ago!). We have been so very happy and although, we don’t live together, made a strong commitment to each other only a a few weeks ago. I just don’t know how he went so quickly from being a loving partner to suddenly losing his temper for no reason then shutting down completely. I have always known he has ‘issues’ – he had a difficult childhood and I know his ex wife encouraged him to have counselling many years ago. But this just happened so quickly. He won’t reply to texts and has come off social media. I think what saddens me is that he will talk to his sister as if nothing is wrong – so she can’t understand why I am concerned. He is going into work as far as I know.
I have had one text from him just saying it s nothing I have done but it’s not fair on me to carry on like this. I love him so much and will wait for him but I just don’t know how long this will carry on for. It is really hard to know what to do – I am just giving him space and sending the odd text to let him know I am still here.
I know exactly how you feel. My GF of 7 years left and said its all because of me and my family. It was Just NOT her and she loves me and why would she do that. I swear, the first thing that came into my head was “She’s seeing someone else”. She was so mean and rude to me when I would go see her or even call or text her. It hurt so bad to see her treat me this way. We been together everyday and did everything together and when she left I was feeling so confused and broken. I was like a lost soul wondering why and when did this shift occur in her. Its Draining and stressful trying to figure it out. Time passed and figured she just didn’t love me. She later told me she had gone to the Dr. and was diagnosed with Depression. I’ve been there for her since, but she goes on and off the medication and does well at times and has really hard days where we don’t talk or she’s calls crying. All I can do is be there and tell her I love her. Its not easy for her and I. It’s Like I told her, you are not alone in this as I’m in this with you.
Hey, how is it going with all this, are you guys still speaking or are you still giving them space? please let me know .
Hi Carina.. its been a year now since she broke up with me. Yes, we still talk alot and ser eachother. Theres good and bad days for her as well for me. What I started to do was self care and its helped so much. The space was difficult at first but knowing I couldnt do anything about it because it was her I started to workout alot, ate better and I went to classes to learn how to do home improvements and I would go out with friends. Its been a really long road but what all this has taught me was that i forgot about myself and made it all about her. Once i figured tbat out and made peace with the fact that she may not come back my life turned around. For her, she still has her moments and im there to help her and im there for her. I still love her very much and its getting better for both of us.. she working and she is doing and making better decisions. Shes helped me decorate my new place and has spent the night as i have at her sister where she lives now. So i can say the communication is better. Hope all is well Karina. If you need to talk im here.. with love.
Hi Dee,
Is she still getting treatment? And do you think you guys will get back together? Considering its been a year.. I’m trying to not talk to my bf because he just wants to be left alone and needs space, he has depression and doesn’t want to admit it, every time I ask him what’s wrong he changes the subject and doesn’t want to talk to me about it.. It’s sad it’s been one full month and I haven’t spoken to him, I won’t really initiate contact if he doesn’t want to talk to me either…
Hi Dee,
Do you think you guys will get back together? I hope you guys do.. Is she getting treatment and is she getting any better? sorry so many questions… My boyfriend broke up with me one month ago, he has depression, well atleast wont really admit it and wont ask for help either. I havent spoken to him for a month now because he asked for space and wanted to be alone to sort himself out. I dont think i will initiate contact until he does, but not really sure now if he will ever initiate contact with me…I wish they would just return to their normal self.. Do you have an email and maybe i could email you ?
Hi Carina, yes you may email me. Dpjeep818 [at] gmail [dot] com
Hey Dee I’ve just sent you an email. Hope it was sent
Hey Louisy ? How is everything going? i think im in the same situation its been 4 weeks and im just trying to give him space, but i’m not sure if I should message him anyway because i feel like he doesnt want to talk to me, i haven’t initiated contact or anything …. Dont even know if he will initiate contact when i was the one who spoke to him last. its sad how this stuff has to happen …. But i hope your feeling better….. Let me know what the update is! im here for you i feel your pain ~
Lovely, its good to give them space. I did that and wouls occasionally text her with hope her day is going great and that i love her and if she needs me im here. I would get a response with a thank you. Later i would get her text about how she was feeling sad, angry and anxiety riden. I read and learnes as much as i could so i could somewhat understand what she was going through. She started communicating more and more. I also had to take care of myself by going out with friend’s and going to the gym. Self care is also important. Giving them space is good but so text him here and there.
I currently have a depressed ex partner for the time being (been 3 weeks now). She is diagnosed bi polar and I’m sure she has a fear of commitment too. I have e-mailed her to the point and calling her out for her behavior and telling her I believe she is afraid of commitment. She has never replied to that but since we work for the same company I do hear from her occasionally for help when there are 8 others that can help her and she only comes to me. I keep everything professional and never talk about us during those contacts. Sunday, out of the blue she texted me some cool information about her son. I replied right away saying that is so cool. That text was obviously her way of telling me she is thinking of me without saying it. Anyway this has been going on since Christmas and she has broken up with me and come back to me at least 5 times in that time. So far all I do is give her, her space and she eventually contacts me. Usually starts out work related then things will get personal again. She knows I’m there for her when she is ready. I have heard her tell people that I’m there for her and her son 24/7 and guys like me almost never come along. I know she cares, but can’t deal with the stress (I don’t see the stress but somehow she does) of being in a relationship on top of her depression. I am hanging in there and waiting for her when she is ready. Yes these breakups hurt, but I’m strong and I know she needs me to be strong.
I recently went through break up caused by depression. I knew getting into the relationship that he had previously had depression and suffered from anxiety I in turn revealed it was something I had also suffered and it was how we first connected because of our mutual struggles and overcoming them. Then recently things change and he broke up with me because there was a lot of things he just felt he couldn’t share with me and that he wasn’t being fair to me. He said I deserved better, someone who would love me the way I need to be and that it was something he had to do because he deserved to be alone. I admit I said along of hurtful things because in the moment I was so hurt and heartbroken I just spewed words.
It was not until after he had left and I had time to myself I actually considered his words and realized the depression was most likely back. So I talked to him and apologized for what I had said and told him I know what he is going through and that I want to be there for him because he needs someone. His response was that because of his past he can’t talk to anyone about his problems because “he wouldn’t know what to do with himself” and that he “would never be in another relationship and that he’s just destined to be alone because of them.”
In the beginning of the conversation I admit I had to intention to try and get back together with him but all of that stopped once he said that. I expressed how important and special he is and how talking to someone, even if it couldn’t be me would help him a lot, though he was adamant that he just wanted to be alone forever. It was then that I mentioned the depression. I began it cautiously by talking about a previous conversation we once had about it then mentioned that the way he was talking seemed thats where he was. I also suggested seeing a therapist or some professional about what was going on with him.
I also went on to say how much I still love him and how I’m willing to push that all aside because his health and well being will always come before any relationship of ours. He promised me he would consider it and said we could remain friends but just not see each other for a while because it would be too hard on both of us which I makes me more than happy because I know he loves me. as cliche as it sounds I could see it in his eyes when he broke up with me, it hurt him so much to do it and he was close to tears. I still feel so helpless though.
I can’t force him to go get help and even though he promised me, I know how stubborn he can be and odds are he won’t even attempt help and I just don’t know what else to do.
We’ve shared a few text messages since it happened talking new movies that are out and such but I want to talk about so much more, I just don’t know if it’s too soon to bring it up again.
Any advice would be more than helpful.
Hi Sophi,
I am in exactly the same situation, I understand you far too well. He left last week after 3 and half years living together. Within the space of few days told me he was looking for an apartment, and then 5 days later in 2 hours packed up everything and left …and when I say everything I mean it, he did not leave even one of his socks, a scrap of paper, one of his pens, nothing. He disappeared leaving me so empty. He has been suffering depression since when he was a child and refuses to see a therapist, he says he can do it by himself, he just needs to be alone with his thoughts. He kept repeating that this is what he needed, and now a week later I ask myself, and what about what I need???? what about my love for him, our 3 years and half together, my dreams of a family and children, what about of all this? who thinks about me now? I am angry with myself because I should be only worried about him (and believe me I am because he has no other family in this country and maybe 1 or 2 friends only that he sees every couple months) …but I also think what about me? what about us? what about my desperation and a week of constant crying? how could he do this to me? I want him back more than anything, I really don’t know what to do ….as you I can’t force to him to go and see a therapist, and he doesn’t even want to talk to me now or see me…. I am so hearbroken
Hi Amy,
Your love and mine indeed sound very similar. I really empathize with you when you say you pictured a family with him. Growing up I was the girl who never pictured myself getting married or having children, it all changed when I met him though. He was the first man I could imagine it all with and for once in my life I found myself wanting to build that future with someone, building it with him. My ex, promised me after we talked that he would consider seeing a therapist (though he also doesn’t think he needs on) so now I’ve just been trying to figure out a way to bring it up to him again without making it seemed forced but I’m not sure how yet. I so want to be a part of his life still because I’m the only one that has a slight understanding of what he is going through. I very much want to be his partner again, but I know I have to be there for him first no matter how much it hurts. Its only been a couple weeks since the breakup and I think the longest I have gone without crying is a couple days at the most.
I always get these sudden spurts of intense emotion so to cope I write them down to help me cope. So far it seems to be helping and while I am still very much heartbroken and feel a bit empty, I feel a little better and more at ease about it. In the beginning I honestly blamed myself for everything. Like why didn’t I notice the depression was back? Why didn’t I try helping him sooner? stuff like that but now
but now I don’t. I blame the depression and Thats what I’m trying work through it and I’ve actually made an appointment with a therapists for myself to help me work through it myself.
Hey sophi , how are you going with this? Are you still in contact with him .. I would like to know an update as I am prob in the same situation and mine is still fresh.. Pls contact me if you want to talk
Hi Amy — your story is exactly like mine. However he hasn’t taken all of his things, but does each time he stops over. It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since this has began. Officially stopped staying here 4 nights ago. He still wants dinner with me sometimes & texts me daily. When he knows I’m busy & not just sitting at home, he texts me a lot & gets upset if I don’t text him back quickly. He says he loves me, but needs to fix himself first. And wants me to fix myself as well. Then thinks we can fix us & be happy again. But, he still talks getting an apt (he is with his mom now). I know a new apt won’t help him as financially it would be tough & he said he will help me still, which is nice because it’s not my fault this is going on. But I hated living alone and feel he will eventually hate it. But I feel he will move on to another girl he is friends with right now. They all hang as a group with another guy, but I’m so fearful he’ll start liking her.
You can tell in his eyes the pain he has & the love he still has for me. He only, as far as I know anyway, tells me about his thoughts and depression issues. I just don’t know what to do as I lay in bed each night crying & all day my stomach, chest, entire body hurts.
I also feel like I can’t trust anything he says, because he started lying. This sucks. He went from normal issues in a relationship, but happy & our silly selves to this.
Let me know if you or anyone else on here wants to email. I just think support with people who are going through the same things can help.
I’m going through the exact same thing. I was with my boyfriend fir 4 1/2 years. He moved out a week ago. We were doing great, but he hasn’t been happy with his life personally. He says he feels lost and broken. He moved in with his Dad to work on himself. I know needs help, and he says he wants it. Told me he wants to make us good again, but has to be happy first.
Hoping things are getting better for you.c
Hi Jennifer,
I hope your guy sticks with what he said as mine hasn’t. I called him a few weeks ago crying and upset and when I said “were supposed to still fix us too remember?” He said “I said maybe”. They’re so confused & the depression numbs their feelings to us, & we know them better than everyone, so they want to escape from their lives (mostly their partners) because they think that will make them happy. And the only thing that can help them is looking inside themselves & getting meds/therapy. The cycle will continue otherwise and even with getting help it still can happen. It’s a long road for depression – for the person and their partners. Sadly 🙁
My guy hasn’t contacted me in weeks & his family started deleting me on social media. Guess his mind told him he’s finished with me. It still hurts & I’m very lonely.
Jennifer, sorry to hear again… how did it end up? Did he ever end up contacting you again? Or did you move on?
Hi Sophi….wow I feel so touch by your words my ex Pally uses the same words you used to walk away…..so hurtful…..hoping he gets better too
How I feel as a wife… Abandoned by my depressed husband… Forced into a divorce I didn’t want. No communication other than a few texts and emails for FIVE MONTHS. I struggle to cope… To move on… To heal. There are so many unanswered questions, and the only person that can answer them is silent as a stone. Poetry and writing helps me cope. I hope others can know through my words that they aren’t alone in this unimaginable grief.
You Gave Up On Me by Hannah Adrian Rogers Zawieja 06-05-16
Healing takes time…. as you consume my mind…. Fond memories… Heartache… Loss…. Love… Rolled up in the unknown package of you… What I thought was real… How can you feel… So strongly that the love is true… Only you… Know why you chose to disappear… Was it fear? Fear of a life not lived? Where is that wonderful man that stole my heart? Was I simply playing a part… A stepping stone while you passed the time… What remains is mine… the sorrow… the confusion… the anger… the sweetness of what was… what you promised me would always be… How could you care so much… and then dismiss me like a stranger??? What was real? Did you ever feel…. Anything for me? Did you lie? To me…. To Yourself… To the World when you pledged forever to me? When you told me year after year that we’d make it together or not at all… How did we fall… Apart… So easily for you… So devastating for me. I have found the strength to survive… yet I crumble into heart’s broken dust when I least expect it… Do you regret it? Is there any remorse in your callous heart for the person you destroyed when you walked away without care… Do you feel the despair of my bleeding soul in the air you breathe easily… Distance less of an issue than the millions of miles your heart resides from me. What did I do to deserve this pain? What have you gained without me??? Are you sincerely happy… Or did you just flee in fear of the ghosts within you that you never shared… I cared… If you’d only stayed… We could have beaten any obstacle… Slayed any emotional dragons… Together. You gave up on me. You gave up on me. You gave up on me.
Your poem is very powerful and really spoke to me. It is amazing how similar all of our stories and feelings are.
Wow, a beautiful way to say all I am feeling. My husband of 10 years is filing for divorce next week. The depression took him from me so quickly, a week and a half from telling me he was seeing a therapist to asking for a separation and moving out. That was 3 months ago and I am still devastated.
I am so sorry you are going through such pain, Michele…. My husband did the exact thing… I found out the divorce was final when the papers came signed by a judge in the mail. I wish you hope during this griefstricken time. Words cannot exoress the confusion, abandonment, anger, fear, and pain. I wish it weren’t happening to us…. It seems a great deal of people are suffering like we are… Again, I am so sorry. I wish you love and strength during this devastating time.
Michele and Hannah – I’m so sorry for your experiences. I am going through the same, but were not married. He is slowly moving his stuff out and has been staying at his mom’s. Mine wants to chat daily & confuses me still. I just don’t know what to do. I love the poem – it’s so true to what our minds are going through.
Thank you for sharing your poem, Hannah. It captures a lot of what I’ve felt for the last 7 months.
My ex-husband dropped the emotional bomb on me in January. “I love you but not in love with you. We have drifted apart.” I had thought he was going through some midlife crisis having lost his father to cancer the previous summer, grieving his loss with another woman who could relate, turning 40 and not satisfied with his job nor his position in life. Looking back, he was at times withdrawn, angry, and blaming me for little things. I just thought he was stressed and needed space. I now realized that he may be depressed and I feel so horrible that if he really is that I didn’t notice sooner.
But he kept a good cover, he seemed to be doing fine and getting along as I knew him to do. We were intimate and sending love to each other right up until the bomb drop. But around Christmas he became more withdrawn and didn’t communicate his feelings much at all. When I would ask if there was something wrong or if I tried to get close to him by wrapping my arms around him, he would shrug me off or tell me he didn’t sleep well or it was something at work that was bothering him and didn’t want to talk more. When I set up a counseling appointment for us after the bomb drop, he blew it off because it wasn’t convenient for him. I went instead and have been in therapy since to deal with the shock of the divorce.
When he left our home, he said he felt our marriage was going to end up like his parents (fighting, name calling…which had been going on for decades and got worse when his dad got sick) and that he wanted to protect me from that. He said he couldn’t love me like a husband should love his wife and that he was unhappy in his life. I tried so many times to get us help but he just wouldn’t try.
I had to go no contact after the divorce because he kept emailing me about his guilt for leaving and reminiscing our happy past. He even said that the last 20 years were the happiest in his life. Why wouldn’t you want to fight for more? It hurt so much!
It’s just confusing, sad, and I feel a tragic mistake to be divorced. We had a strong, loving, trusting marriage (14 yrs) and relationship (20 yrs). I feel like he just threw it all away without trying to help me save it. I feel abandoned, hurt, angry, and disappointed. I told my ex that I felt his father took my loving husband away when he died and felt cheated that I didn’t get a true chance to save my marriage. It’s so painful and devastating!
I am getting along well as of late, trying to stay strong with therapy and support groups, friends, and family. I’m not crying as much but am still grieving my huge loss. I don’t talk to my ex, which kills me sometimes, but I have to protect my heart. I don’t know if I can be friends with this man who is no longer my loving husband and that frightens me.
Can anyone relate or offer any further insight on depression? These articles do help shed some light into my ex-husband’s behavior.
This is exactly what my husband did…. But it was a month before his sister’s death anniversary. She died from a sudden heart condition at 33. My husband turned 33 in September and his sister died at 33 on Valentine’s Day a few years ago. Although young, he has expressed concerns of suffering from anxiety and depression for the nine years we were maaried, as there is family history saturated in it. His deceased sister suffered from bipolar. He bought a Nissan 370Z mid December and left January 1st. I, like you, am completely devastated. He hasn’t spoken to me since he walked out other than a few texts and emails. He served me divorce papers in March and the divorce I didn’t want was signed and finalized by a judge in the county where he works on June 13th. He stated also that “we weren’t in love anymore” in an email a week after he left. Two weeks prior, he had given me cards inscribed “my wife, my soul mate, my best friend”. I had no choice but to let him go…. Yet my heart and soul haven’t accepted this nor can my mind wrap around the sudden snap in his behavior. It makes one question if anything was real. Of all people to do this to me…. I never imagined it would be he that broke my heart and shattered our lives and future together. We had endured so much and made it through… And poof! He disappeared. My heart goes out to you and all that have and are continuing to live with the emotional death of their loved ones due to depression. I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone. It is unbearable. Hang in there, and much love and hope to you!!! I am so very sorry foryour heartache!
I can relate and empathize with you and your pain, Hannah. It makes you wonder if the love they expressed was even real at all.
My husband’s family has a history of bipolar depression, and his half-sister committed suicide 3 years ago. Also, I don’t believe he had an emotionally stable childhood. There was, at one time, 8 kids in a small apartment when he was a small child. I don’t think he ever found an emotional and balanced attachment to his mother. I saw it in their relationship when we were together. Also, his parents’ marriage was so volatile. I just have to wonder if his upbringing, his adult pain with the grief over his dad’s death, and his controlling mother contributed to his leaving me. As far as I know, his mother didn’t tell him to fight for the marriage. His sister sympathizes with me, rather than him.
This is not the first time he has left me. He left our relationship, but we stayed attached at a distance, two other times before we got married. His basis for leaving those times was emotional stress brought on by major life events. I realize back then I should have taken the hint to end things for good but it was hard to do when you are young, fresh outta college in a new place, and in love.
Anyway, I do wish him well and to be happy. I know that it’s best for me to let him go. I’m scared to let go as he’s all I’ve known for half my life and based my decisions. But the man I miss and love is gone. He feels bad for hurting me but I don’t think he truly understands what I’m going through since he wasn’t exposed to what a real loving, emotionally healthy relationship is/was. He wants to be there for me. It’s like the staying connected at a distance, all over again.
Our big hearts are suffering. May we heal with love and compassion for ourselves, with time and knowing we deserve to have strong, emotionally stable relationships in our lives. Hugs to you, Hannah!
Your kind compassion, understanding, and insight is emotional salve for my soul…. Thank you so very much for sharing your story and heart…. I wish you healing, hope, and love, Betty…. Thank you so much…
Wow! I am so very sorry for all of you replying to this thread…but selfishly your stories have made me think I am not crazy! It’ll be 2 years on Halloween that I asked my husband what was wrong with us….for years he’d been withdrawing slowly, losing interest in things…especially intimacy with me (he always said it’s me not you)–and then before 10/31 he really shut off, watching TV all the time, same shows over and over, and mostly pulling away from me–like I was a stranger.
He told me that night, “I’ve lost feelings for you.” We just had our 27th anniversary. I was crushed–I called him out and asked if he was having an affair with person at work–she was saying things to him on facebook like how he was a stud–and our 24 year old daughter saw it and was angry–as was I–he said no–but both things he said were in a robotic detached tone-like he was a shell. I told him to get out –he went in our spare room–but came in sobbing telling me he loved me and couldn’t lose me…we talked and he said he was a “porn addict”–that started us in therapy but that was a lie–he truly was in an affair. I found out after months of torturous turmoil being abandoned while crying–him refusing to get help–me going to SANON for spouses of sex addiction….
After the truth came out he pleaded to come back and work on this promising me he’d do anything–quit his job etc. We went to two affair recovery weekends (highly recommend them EMS/BAN) and have been in therapy.
We learned he has been suffering from Chronic Depression for over 14 years (thus the w/drawing early on) and had a Major Clinical Depressive episode after his mother died –which was 4 months before this horrible person launched in on him and began telling him how wonderful he was. I also should note, most of his friends retired from work the year before, his boss retired a month before this happened /3 months after his mother’s death. He was in charge temporarily. All of his life was falling apart.
He learned that the affair was due to the words this person was saying–which created the same warm safe feeling his mother would create for him when he was with her all throughout his life (he would visit her weekly and enjoy the old time discussions–he was the baby and definitely favorite–she always spoiled him). He has also learned it was like an illusion and that person took on the “aspect” of a mother figure–she always drove (lunches–never weekends/ nights/ just lunches) and brought food, candy, gum…said nice things and then trapped him into situations which is when there was the physical piece.
His therapist relates this to Freud’s theory and he was child like and wanted his mother back—he always listened to his mother…. that’s why he could turn her down when she asked him for physical moments in a text but in person being trapped he just did what she told him–I got a room. He swears he didn’t want it . He said he didn’t want anyone else–just to get “out of the dark hole” he was in…and hearing the words brought him back to that feeling he got with his mom –simple, safe, warm and quiet–he said and alone with no one. It wasn’t the person–just the need for the words.
His therapist and doctor agree there was an addiction to this feeling he got which brought him to that safe place and that’s why he kept having the lunches –to get his “drug”.
The problem has occurred over the past 14 months where he has continually fought this healing process by avoiding details to truths b/c of his shame and guilt–and he’s become outwardly angry–again abandoning me and now blaming me…
He’s now on 100mg of Zoloft–but he is avoiding facing what he did. He says, “I cannot face what I did to you…that I did what I said I’d never do. It wasn’t me…my mind was not making clear decisions, everything was cloudy, I couldn’t plan, think at work, do my job, think of ways to get out this hell I got into. I just wanted the words, get back to work and feel better. I didn’t want another person, definitely physical, nor even spending time with this person…just the words to feel better. I was in a hole and couldn’t get out. I couldn’t tell you –you’d leave. I kept spiraling out of control, getting deeper and deeper in a hole, needing more of the “drug (words)”.
He feels like a failure and continues to avoid hitting this head on. This week he is to see a psychologist –instead of his therapist. One who deals with depression, anger, and avoidance tendencies.
His GP–we went together when I saw him recently shutting me out again and turning himself off to the world…and his GP said the medicine will help with the agitation, anxiety and sadness, but a well trained person needs to help you change your thinking and ways to face things and not stuff them away. That is what happened for years, pushing bad feelings away–never facing them, avoiding bad emotions, and all of it exploded after his mother’s death.
We have been separated in the same house for almost two months–not easy–not fun and that is where I wonder how much longer I can continue after these horrific two years plus…I love him, the cheating kills me…I have learned affairs are not about the spouse (me)—and mostly never about physical (which in his case didn’t happen often–not that it is okay–it’s never okay–it’s just evident it wasn’t a reason)–but it’s still so hard, you feel so awful and unworthy—it’s a mental mind game constantly.
I guess my main point to write this is that even after learning about the depression–I have learned how much it messes up lives, and that it can linger even with meds and help…it’s the right mixture of help …. which is what we are still looking for.
My heart goes out to all of you…my admiration for your courage to speak up—and to you John for writing this blog and sharing your life to help others… and I send Blessings that we all find peace and heal to be the people we were meant to be…
Nicola
oh wow! you all sound just like me. I am going through an unwanted divorce that I had to file bc my ex suffers from severe major depressive disorder (diagnosed officially) and went psychotic after his sister overdosed. she was a meth addict and our three kids are special needs. two are bipolar and the other is also major depressive/aspie. we are now believe he is bipolar as well. my ex has been having major mood swings the past 2 years, but I had a conservatorship and a guardianship over my grandparents on both my mother’s and my father’s side at the same time these last 4 years so I was so overwhelmed with that, that I don’t think I noticed him slipping. I would come home to his bullshit and his verbal and emotional abuse and got use to defending myself and the kids. I felt trapped bc I had the responsibility of the kids and my grandparents. I have to be honest with you all. I am so happy he is gone. the man I origionally married is dead. our psychiatrist told us that my ex will never come back bc he quit taking his meds. he believes they are evil. the damage is done to the brain. he has been whoring around, drinking in bars, and doing God knows what. his mother hates me and suffers depression as well since his sister overdosed on dope. I no longer have the stress of having a depressed person in my life. I don’t have to worry about who the hell is walking through that door, the mood swings, the abuse, and his bullshit. I miss the man I married. the man I married for the first 12 years was wonderful….he’s dead. my ex is suicidal…the cold truth is that if my ex killed himself I would not care. I’m so burned out from the abandonment and the abuse from the depression I just don’t care anymore
I understand your relief from his disease, Jenny. As much as I loved and will forever love my husband…. Now ex husband…. Life is easier without his moods and lack of happiness. Depression steals those we love much like Alzheimer’s and dementia…. The men they were…. And perhaps are still deep down…. Are swallowed by this treacherous disease. The man I miss is not the guy he has become… I am an emotional widow. Depression killed the love of my life and all that remains is a broken shell where he once stood. I am so sorry for the stress grief and loss we all must endure to the beast of depression. I wish you hope and healing….
Hannah and Jenny–all of you–this is so sad to me yet hits home ridiculously on the head. I feel we might end up divorced too bc the abandonment is so emotionally abusive as is the blame he tries to put on me. Mental illness has taken the lives of 3 of my cousins who were severely depressed–but you never find that out until after. So many people don’t understand it.
I too Jenny have thought if he died it would be easier—I am embarrassed to say that, but it’s true. It’s also an easy out for me if I am honest bc there will no longer be the torture of a person there physically but not there emotionally, mentally, etc. I hate saying that and feel like people will state how horrible I am to have those thoughts, but this disease doesn’t only affect the depressed, it affects all those around them, specifically their significant other. I know I truly don’t want that…but it does happen, those thoughts have come to me…and others should know that it isn’t as strange that you can think that of someone you love…
The abandonment is horrific…it’s cruel, and so very lonely. It puts me a fight mode like a momma bear being threatened to take her child…
I wish you all well and healing…thank you for sharing…for being true to yourselves and brave to share to help others like me. I have found some peace in my day today…I am grateful!
The abandonment is the hardest…. And his silence. It is as though I never existed to me…. That we never happened. It is as though the man I knew that loved me disappeared… Or never happened at all. That is the most painful part of it…. Thinking the person that knew saw and loved the real you thinks youvare nothing. Less tgan nothing. It is as rhough he flipped a switch to hate. He cannot see the truth in the good of us. I refuse to fall for depression’s lies, however. We were real…. It was love…. I didn’t make it up for almost ten years. Our love was beautiful until depression stole him from himself…. Therein robbing me of him. Ni contact kills me. The best friend I shared everything with daily has disappeared, and all I am left with is memories that feel more like a dream as the days pass. Everyone says move on…. But how to you move forward when it was never your choice to let go? He gave up on us…. But most importantly… Depression made gim give up on himself and fed and continues to feed him lies that he du the right thing. I feel thrown away… I feel like everything I knew was real and lived and trusted was a lie. I wish I had answers… However, I know even he doesn’t have them because someone with clarity wouldnt cower behind silence. I pray someday we will understand in order to heal. I just don’t believe it will be anytime soon. I pray… And pray…. And pray some more. I hope and try to hold love in my heart not for the callous shell of a man he has become but for that beoken little boy inside rhat couldn’t look in my eyes as he walked away with ease.
After two weeks of separation, I feel like sharing my story of living and breaking up with my now-ex partner. It’s been a short, but very wild journey, full of ups and downs. I’ve been writing on this same website in December last year. Now, almost half a year later, what I feared back then had happened. But let’s start at the beginning. After having spent roughly a year writing to each other every day, we decided to meet up. We live in two different countries, and after just two weeks seeing each other in “real life”, we decided upon trying to be in a relationship. This may sound rushed, but those two weeks were so absolutely wonderful that it just seemed like the best decision, even now that I broke up I do not deem it stupid or un-thoughtful. I knew about her depression, but back then it only affected my now-expartner’s wellbeing once or twice a month, when she would have massive bouts of feeling unwell and hopeless. I was able to deal with it and she promised to see a therapist as soon as she could afford one and had enough time for it. That had me optimistic. She was unstable though – when not depressed, she would talk about a future together, about children, an apartment we would share and how to paint the bedroom walls, what job she could imagine herself having when she finally had her degree and how she would think of me as the perfect partner for those joint life projects. But when she was depressed, she’d talk about the cancer risk in her family and how she would shoot herself when she’d be affected by the illness, and would talk about her past, how her dad was abusive towards her and how she had a suicide attempt in her teenage years. This had me worry, but those days were still few and I convinced myself that with proper therapy she’d snap out of that mindset. Oh boy, how wrong I’ve been. After some time in a relationship with her – and happy so – she went through trouble with her family. They kicked her out and the financial situation grew worse. Naturally, she was in a horrible mood, and understandably so. Thus, I supported her in the ways I could, and forgave her when she was cranky, cynical and negative about everything. It was perfectly reasonable for her to feel shit. But the mood didn’t go away. I didn’t understand what was wrong, and searched for the reason. At first I assumed I did something wrong, maybe said something that had upset her (you never know)? Christmas came, and it didn’t get better. We had our first major fight, I’ve spent the night crying, confused as to why she behaved in ways I couldn’t understand. At a certain point I understood, now almost relieved as I started to convince her into therapy, but she refused and instead said she’d just “kill herself if it gets worse”. She later claimed she just said that because she wanted to cut the conversation, but it scared me to the bone. From that point on it just went downhill. We still had a great sex life, but apart from that, communication and social activity together grew tiresome and exhausting. She’d have moments of total irritability, where she’d behave like a robot, walking in total silence and way too fast ahead of me when we went back from meeting friends, later lying next to me in bed and watching me as I cried, with a blank face. Near Easter, it grew so bad she told me that she didn’t love me; she’d feel the pain of a “gaping open wound in her chest” instead. She was never insulting me, never behaved abusively, never blamed me or said I was at fault; she seemed really upset and angry at herself for feeling like she did. She cried, and I said I’d wait for her to get better, also crying. It was heartbreaking. I felt utterly destroyed, and wanted to spend the night at her friend’s place (I didn’t have any friends near because I lived in another country), which made her mad. The situation grew worse and messy, but we somehow managed to find common ground anew. As we broke up, the next morning she wanted to have sex with me. Puzzled, but too occupied by hopes and dreams flaring up at that sign of affection, I agreed. After that, I left, feeling confused but still hopeful. We spent three months in a weird semi-relationship state, where we weren’t a couple but not really, and we were broken up but also not really. She came to me with wishes and hopes for our future, told me about things she wanted to do to make me happy, make it work – and the next day shatter those hopes when she said “this has no future”, “you deserve better” and “I am not the one you need”. The phases of happiness and hope grew scarce, and her depressed periods extended to days and sometimes whole weeks. She apologized for her behavior, and I was patient with her, but at a certain point it was too much. I had bouts of anxiety myself, old overthinking issues that I had in my teenage years suddenly came back, haunting me and making it all unbearable. We broke up and agreed on no contact. It was incredibly hard as we still loved each other deeply. There hasn’t been abuse; there has been no blaming, no shouting and no mean words. Just despair, depression, anxiety and fear. And it wrecked everything.
I wish I had found this website in the weeks leading up to our break up. It would have shed a great deal of insight into why my ex went from a loving, attentive lover to someone who shut down and pushed me away for months, before finally breaking up with me. I did everything the article mentioned, tried to be loving, supportive but as much as he withdraw, I panicked and worried I was losing him. And I ended up doing just that. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me but he also never wanted me to witness the anger in him. I am so confused. I didn’t want this breakup, I do understand he has nothing to give me emotionally, but the only thing I can do is take it very slowly, staying in his life, making no demands and talking less than before, but at least talking. I don’t know if this is enough, if in his depression, he’s already moved on, but right up to t he end, he said he loved me and I don’t think he can change that overnight, even though he’s emotionally numb. I know I love him and will wait without pressure until he’s sorted himself out, unless he tells me clearly and finally he doesn’t want me in his life. But so far, it’s all been mixed signals: he still cares but the depression makes him not know what to do. Thank you so much for t his blog. It’s helped enormously.
Leading up to the breakup I felt the same way. I became so paranoid that everything was going wrong and I just didn’t know what to do. I knew the end was coming about a week before it happened and coincidently he said thats when re started considering the breakup. He said he never wanted me to see what his past had done to him. That he had managed to suppress the feelings for so long that he doesn’t know what to do if he ever really shows them. I still love him deeply and what happened hurts, it just hurts more knowing I can’t really do anything to help him because nothing is going to change until he decides to get help but I’m always going to be there for him in case that day comes.
I really feel for you, Sophi. You have my sympathy and understanding. Our stories are all remarkably similar. Maybe there’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this, that there are others like myself who are struggling every day with a depressed loved one. I have reestablished communication with him, but it’s on a different level now, more friends as he wished. His last remarks was no commitment as he couldn’t give himself to me. Understandable, but like you i know he loves me and I love him. Depression is the monster standing in the middle and I have to go through his depression like an intermediary to get to him. When I do, there is anger that he’s never displayed before over things that would be irrelevant or handled differently under other circumstances, and despite the depression, I’ve let him know when he’s gone too far and hurt me. And that’s an important lesson I’ve learned: as important as I think it is to nurture him now and support him, it’s just as important to take care of myself, to not be a focal point for his frustration, but to the best of my ability, remain neutral and a person he can talk to, no matter his mood. I’ve gotten a therapist to help me with my resultant depression and that has been a key factor in helping my ex and myself remain on an even keel, emotionally. Without that help, I would spend most of my own time crying.
I empathize with you Trisha, I really do. I agree it is very comforting to know I’m not going through this alone and that others can relate to me and vice versa. I’m trying to take care of myself and that is why I have agreed to step away for a little bit but not completely. We agreed that it would be best for both of us to not see each other for a while because our feelings are to strong and would cause more problems than help, though we do still talk on the phone and text. Its all just so hard and frustrating because I can’t tell him how I really feel without making him feel worse, so to him I lie and tell him I’m fine and that his wellbeing is more important. While his well being is the most important, I am not okay…I think I’m going to start seeing a therapist to help with that, I’ve already started looking around. If I do then maybe, just maybe he’ll agree seeing one aswell does not make him weak.
Hi Trisha & Sophi,
How are things going now? I’m fairly new to this (he blew up on me a few weeks ago on a cruise). Leading up to this he was being extremely rude to me which wasn’t like him. He moved into his mom’s 4 days ago. But still contacts me daily. Came over twice already. I’m so lost. He keeps saying we will fix us once he fixes himself & he wants me to fix my issues with my family. Then we can fix us together. But is that just him being nice? If he’s being honest, when will that be? 2 months…2 years? He changed meds & is to be calling a therapist until he can get into a psych.
This is the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through.
Hey Trisha, its been 2 months now…. any updates on how you are two going… are you guys on speaking terms? just reading post after post and never any updates on how its going after a few months. Hope is well!
Hi Caz, thank you for the post. I’d been working with a therapist to help with the break up as it was a very bad time for me. Long story short, I realized he wasn’t going to contact me and made peace with it, and then he did. So we emailed and chatted back and forth since the end of June. He’s gone for professional help and has also had some sad times in his life but I thought he handled them well. However, for the past few weeks, he’s been reverting back to his previous behaviour, posting with “friends” on a website and more or less pushing me away which may be his way of dealing with stress, becoming distant, but now I’ve worked through the major pain of the break up and am not in the same place as before, so I’m ready to just stop trying and let him go. I wish this could have had a happier ending, but also see that the cards were on the table when he broke it off with me. He doesn’t really want me anymore, I’m not sure if he loves me and I don’t think he is sure either, and I don’t want to ever be put in the same destructive emotional position as I was before.
I have been reading these articles and forums and glad to find that I am not alone but still feeling lost and hopeless.
I was with my partner for almost a year, the relationship wasn’t perfect but I felt that we really loved each other, then one day I came over to hang out at his place and my stuff was packed up. He still didn’t have the courage to talk to me, I asked about it and he made an excuse then proceeded to watch TV. I didn’t want to leave it at that so I tried to talk more about it. He ended up saying he just wanted to be alone, then when I left he asked for his keys back. I said I didn’t want to lose him and that I would wait until his life settled down but he said that was just putting more pressure on him. I backed off but asked that he give it a few days to think about what he was doing.
A couple days laster we talked on the phone and he said the real issue was that he wanted kids. I have a teenager and have had my tubes tied but I am open to other ways of having children if the situation was right. He said that I was older and that we didn’t have the energy. He struggles with anxiety, depression and addiction so although I feel that having a family is a pretty big leap for him to make, but if he can make that happen for himself that he deserves it as I really do want him to be happy. We had a good conversation, I asked to be friends but he said he didn’t want to give me false hope and that he would find it hard as he still loves me. We didn’t really talk much for about a week then he called me and asked to see me. I said that I thought that would be good as things ended so suddenly and that I would like to be friends.
When I saw him the next day we had sex and watched TV and in a lot of ways it was like things were normal. He said he changed too many things at once (he was also changing medications). Then we hung out a few more times, but didn’t say “I love you” or talk about what it meant. I was trying not to pressure him as I don’t think he knows what he wants.
A week ago Saturday we hung out and I spent the night at his place. Sunday night he called me in a panic attack. Monday we texted a bit and he said he was going to see his Dr to talk about going back on Ativan which he has abused in the past. On Tues I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said he really wasn’t feeling well but that he promised to call me that night. I haven’t heard from him since and it has been over a week now.
I know I could contact him, but I am not ready for more rejection. I know that I need to move on with my life as I see nothing but pain arising from this. Even if a miracle happened and he wanted me back and was himself again, I know I would always be waiting for this to happen again. Yet I am back and forth between missing him so much and knowing that I need to move on. I can’t stop crying and I feel like I can’t move forward at all.
I feel like I need to talk to him, but I know that it is unlikely to make anything better, and even if it does it is only a bandaid. In some ways I wish I never met him, yet I love him so intensely. I am so confused.
I agree with everything you said, Violet. I was on my own for 3 years before him because a prior partner did something similar to me (but because he was younger and selfish, but still always wanted me back). I’m a good catch, loyal, guys wondered why I was single & I said because I’m afraid to be hurt. And I finally decided to date this guy and trusted in him with everything I had and knew he was my forever. Then BAM, out of nowhere this happened. Yes, we had our issues at times, but we had just been planning so much & he seemed loving & got me flowers & we hadn’t really fought in a while. I was blindsided. Makes me almost feel like I still stayed single so I don’t have to feel this pain and the memories. But at the same time I don’t regret the happiness and memories we’ve shared. Ugh. Hardest thing ever.
My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship.
She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can’t do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I’ve said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.
Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?
One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.
She has made plans to see her doctor and I’m glad she told me this. The decision wasn’t made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.
I honestly don’t know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I’m feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.
Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I’m grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.
We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.
I’ve never expressed myself to anyone in such a way, let alone on a website.
Any advise or suggestions would be a warm help.
Thankyou.
Tyler.
I don’t think I can offer any help other than feel your situation as this is like right out of my own life at this moment.
I don’t know if my partner is depressed or not, but she has been showing all the symptoms lately, with all sorts of issues adding onto her stress… me not realizing this to its full extent tried to be there, and show support, possibly too much so after she asked for time and space.
She has been struggling with work, health issues, body image, family ++ and i guess the last thing she needed was to feel like she was failing being there for me as well…
From planning on moving in together, fixing up the flat, and so on… she got a call from the hospital asking her to come in, and since then it just crumbled.
She still wants to be friends, she just doesn’t have the right feelings for me, she isnt nice to me, she isnt able to give me what i deserve etc. All this in one breakup…
I don’t know if she is depressed and this is just her getting me away for the time being… or if she just doesnt love me anymore. Looking back I feel that all the signs of depression have been there, from changed sleep patterns to eating, irritability… I just didnt notice till it was too late. Me telling her that I would always be there for her, pushed her over the edge…
Steven,
Our two stories are very similar. I was told that she has to leave because she can’t love me when she can’t love or be happy with herself.
This was very hard for to take in, as I’m still dealing with it now. Today I made contact and with the help of a close friend, small talk was the key. No question, just a simple – Hope all is well.
I did receive a reply and it was simple, not what I wanted to hear because I do have alot of questions, but now is not the time.
Ive decided to write down what I want to say to her and go over it a few times and when the time comes, I will send it her way. She may not like it, but more my sake, it’s a peace of mind letter. Im able to write down how I’m feeling, the way in which I was affected and my side of the matter.
At the end of the day I understand she needs help and she has started that process. If by being distant and being just a mate is what’s needed then so be it. As much as I want to know what her feelings are toward me and wanting to know if we will ever be together again, I have to respect that she needs time.
Im doing the best I can, talking to close friends and telling them exactly how I feel. Im not one to open up about this sort of stuff, but the weight got too heavy on my shoulders. Yeah I’ve cried, yelled and gotten angry. As I keep being reminded, it’s not my fault. It’s not her fault, it’s just a disgusting condition that needs to be healed.
Reading your story is exactly what happened to me. So I understand how you both feel. We were together with my be for 3 years, and in the last months I had a talk to him because I wanted to build a future together (at least moving to live together)…which is reasonable as he is 31, we both have good jobs, etc. I tried to talk about it before but he just avoided it. After this he felt really bad, guilty because he was panic and just went home to think. Next day he told me he felt terrible, selfish but he did see a future with me but not immediately as he have move recently from his apartment to a house with co-workers, maybe next year. I think it was ok, but in the last month I felt like he was distant (he had all the depression symptoms clearly, but I couldn’t realize it), so I started hanging out more frequently with my friends to give him space and don’t feel like I was the only one priorizing the relationship. We had no sex for a couple of months, but he had a back injure with lot of pain. He went to surgery last month. 5 days ago he confessed he had depression, he was seeing a Dr and was taking meds since one month, but felt anxious and could not sleep so he went to a therapist. He told me he realized he felt anxious because he could not take a decision about our future together and he felt he was holding me back and I that did not deserve it because it was selfish and that he wanted to go through this alone. The therapist told him he was a bit immature and that they will work in that. I told him he was breaking up with and he told me that not, that he needed a break to resolve this alone. Then I just told him that I would leave so he could have space, when we say good by he hugged me and could not stop crying. I just a feel so bad.
The thing is that I do not believe in breaks and I told him, and makes me feel very guilty that I kind of pressured him because I did not know he was depressed. But it is normal in a long relationship Keep taking steps for a project together.
I don’t know if moving on with my life, I just feel that it would not be good for myself keep waiting with the illusion he may come back. But, I also think that he is seeking help because this was killing him inside, and he is doing that effort.
I feel I am going down to depression as he had taken out a part of me.
Hope you are better now, and I feel better to write this down as he did not want me to tell anybody as not even his family know about his I’ll.
I’m curious how everything turned out for these people… no one ever answers how it turned out…
Hi Tyler – what is your current status?
I can’t tell you how much this page has helped me.
A week ago or so my boyfriend split with me. Naturally as you do, regardless of what’s been said you blame yourself. Up until today.
He suffers from depression, as do I. Now when I get depressed, I go through phases of clinging onto him and then pushing him away then not wanting to hurt him and so on. His depression has hit really hard this time around, and so he ended it with me. This page has made me realise, it’s because, the way he’s feeling, he doesn’t see an end. He doesn’t feel the love because it’s clouded by his depression. He’s lost interest in everything and so is pushing me away and ended it with me so he doesn’t hurt me, because he doesn’t know how long this will last for him, and he doesn’t want to string me along, hurting me along the way. He wants to sort himself out and figure out how he feels, and no matter what I do or say, I’ve now realised I have to let him do that alone. I can tell him all the time I’m there for him, but it doesn’t change that until he is ready he won’t confide in me, or come back to me. He has to get his head straight to get everything else straight, and that alone can only be done by him and by how he feels. He often uses the phrase ‘if you’re not happy yourself, you can’t make another person happy’ ;which has all started to make sense to me now, after reading this page included. He loves me and I know that, I can feel it by the way he is to me. He still wants to see me and be friends with me and be close with me, he wants me to be his best friend just as we always have been. But he doesn’t want the romantic ties right now because he needs to get it clear to himself without anything holding him back from thinking straight. He loves me and cares about me and wants me in his life, but because of that he doesn’t want it to be romantic, because he’s going through such a roller coaster of emotions and having no emotions, that he doesn’t want to hurt me along the way. Almost like he’s doing what he is doing, in order to protect me from himself. So it’s not unfair on either of us so we can still be in each others lives. He still talks about our future, and says he loves me, misses me and looks forward to seeing me and gets nervous to see me (that’s a big hint in my books that he still loves me, right?) so I just need to be patient. Give him support where needed, and space where needed. Big thankyou to this page for the HUGE epiphany!
Your post has really helped me. I am going through the exact same thing and no matter what I do I can not wrap my head around it or try to make sense of it all. Everyone tells me stop talking to him and if it’s meant to be he will come back but I love him too much to abandon him. Sometimes I think maybe I should stop talking to him and see if he comes back but this post really helped me understand a little better.
I’m unsure my partner agrees that depression is the issue. Would it be wrong to show them this article? It’s the first thing I’ve read that’s actually made me be able to make any sense of my situation.
It’s up to you. But if he isn’t coming back what do you have to lose by showing him this, and if it is it might help.
It’s taken two months for the person I care about to go to the doctors and get medication. And he knew he was depressed and needed help.
So if your guy doesn’t even realise then maybe this will help him make the links to why he is doing what he is doing.
But be prepared it’s not easy and it might not go the way you want at first. I just had to stick with it and keep trying.
Much support being sent your way.
We have been together over 10years and I’m only 24. And we were so happy then out of the blue on Valentine’s Day, he just left. It’s so confusing, as everything he says is so conflicted. He left because it wasn’t fair on me and he couldn’t ever make me happy. He need space to get back to his old self and feel better. Then in the next instance, he says he wanted to be with me in the future and sees me as the future mother of his children.
He is even more down and depressed now because he left me, he says things like I would never leave you and would never do that, but I did and I don’t know why. But none of this feels real.
In two months I’ve seen him three times, and he has broken down bad each time.
I think he wants to be with me but there is something stopping him. But then I don’t know if I’m just holding on to something that isn’t there.
I just love him no matter what. Yesterday, he went to the doctors for the first time and they gave him antidepressants so that is a big step forward.
We talk everyday, which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Only by text.
He says it needs to be over because he isn’t happy with anything or anyone. And even the good was making everything worse.
He keeps telling me to move on and forget about him. To fall in love and find someone normal who will love me more. He had issues with sex but I didn’t care about that but to him it’s was the biggest thing in the world.
But then in the next instance he would say when you meet someone which you will, you will fall in love and do all the things we planned, and it will destroy me and make me so sad. He has only said these things when he had a break down then when he comes out of it it’s like ok, I just want you to be happy.
So I’m really not sure what to think. I just don’t know, and about want to be naive and think that there is hope.
I’ve typed this on my phone and very emotionally so might not make sense. Sorry.
The same thing happened to me last month with a partner of 10 years but we’re not really in contact, I haven’t heard a peep from him in two weeks. For all I know he could have moved on and is happy without me, but he was increasingly depressed from July. The pain of this is enormous, and knowing that he could have just left it like that so easily forever kills me. Knowing would be easier even if knowing meant he’d never see me again. It’s so unbearable.
I can’t say because I don’t know, but jut give it some time and space. Remember it’s the depression that clouds everything.
When he first left, he was fine, moved back home, started to go out more. He was texting me, but was seeming to be doing really well. And it was killing me as I wasn’t at all.
I felt so low because I thought how can that be. His sister got cancer and a really aggressive form, he moved back home into a small box room and left me.
I asked him how he was doing? As it wasn’t getting easier for me. And he said, to be honestly, I’m actually happy. I feel like I’m getting back to me.
And that’s really what I wanted for him. But it destroyed me, I didn’t say anything just took it. But it killed me. How bad was it with me if your happy now. And it wasn’t bad with us we use to laugh all the time and never argued. We had banter so it wasn’t boring. It was good.
But then like two days later. He had another massive breakdown. A really big one. So I don’t know if he was just pretending or it was his head making him feel like that.
This was all at the start, as time has gone one he has been more open with me.
For me it’s like living in limbo. I want him back and will forgive him. But it’s all up to him. And talking makes it hard too, there is no easy way.
Because, I keep getting hope he will come back. Then in the next convo, he is telling me it’s over and I need to move on.
My head is all over.
Hi,
My boyfriend of 3 years finished with me suddenly after a counselling session 5 weeks ago. We were due to be getting married in 4 weeks time, but he called the wedding off in November. He has both depression and survivor’s guilt, as he is a widower. He also has a mother with narcissistic personality disorder who controls and manipulates his every move (and very much dislikes anyone else getting close to him).
After his wife died, he had gutted his house before she even had her funeral. I knew it had been quick, but hadn’t realised how quick until recently. After I left 5 weeks ago, his friend told me he done the same to the house within the week. In fact, as I was moving my stuff out, I was having to take delivery for his new things – it was literally that quick.
I have a 6 year old step son and am beside myself with worry on the effect of all this on him. His mum died one night while he was asleep and the the house was changed immediately. His stepmum was gone one morning when he woke up and the house changed again.
Everyone is concerned for both of them. I haven’t been able to see my step son since, and I’ve loved my ex-partner for 16 years (we were originally together in our early 20s).
ANY advice or thoughts you can give me on how to deal with the whole mess would very gratefully received. I love them both so much and am so worried.
Hi there my name is emma my partner has aspergers and depression we have been together for over 2 years he has always had upers and downers. The first 4 months where amazing then we became homeless and someone with aspergers that a big thing after that we was in a lot of shared homes forms year losing more and more of him fights happened every day because he was stressed and didn’t know how to cope with it. Then we moved in our new home a year later fights still happening intermes less and less also an acholic. What I didn’t no till recently is when you fight with someone with aspergers they take things more to heart so the more I was saying stuff back picking on himndncalling nasty names with his deprisson it was making him worse. Had 5 days away and I came back on the tue and we had such any amazing day and sex after so long the next day he wanted to go a mates so thought nothing of it and of he went, sending me lovely text all night saying “missing you so much” can’t wait to see you” missing holding you” and love you so much. The next day got a text saying we need to talk! The dread words in any relationship 🙁 my heart sank* he came home to collect his closes he was cold and shut of not the man I knew, he was lost on his feeling so I suggested a week apart and no contact so he can get his head sorted and no to make a rash desion yet. Anyway he got to his mates and said that he will speak soon and loves and misses me. 24 hrs later by my shock text me after he already said wasn’t going to talk to me for a week. He was checking up on me seeing if I’m OK saying he loves and misses me and his sorry for all this *sweet yes?? No after that and crying cos I was happy tears turned into sad ones…. His in a bad place right now his still not his self and confused” wait I no of course its only been one day but then ” I don’t no if I can commit o anything right now, and I’m really sorry that could change but I’m not promising anything right now, and don’t no how like it will take” then others saying I’m not sure the physical side will come back because it hasnt been there for a while” witch I wouldn’t mind but we did it before I went away for 5 days and then when I came back on the Tue :/ but I said that will come back in time your not your self right now. Then left it with goodbye speak osoon please take care of yourself love and miss you loads…. So as you can tell I’m so lost confused and messed up. Not knowing if I have lost him if he does still love me or even if he wants me keep getting mixed texts 🙁 my family have said because depression is like talking to different people one good and one bad his confused and lost. But still loves you cos he text you asking how you are after a day when he said a week. Can you help me
I am going threw something similar I wish you the best and please take care of yourself .. Let me know if you ever want to talk
Same here.
Hi,
Well my husband of almost 2.5 yrs, left home and left my 3 kids at home on their own as I was in hospital. There was no warning signs or anything. Its been 7 weeks now since he left home and he has come home to visit 2 times. He said he needs to sort his head out, and the voices in his head are very loud. He has given me no indication that he wants a divorce or not be together, only that he needs time to sort himself out. At times he will block me from messaging him which i dont understand at all. He says he will be coming home but whens that? whenever I ask him that I need to talk to him, he shuts down. I am mentally tired and feel like Im going crazy. I love and miss him so much. What to do???