It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
Hi, here is Luisa,
I have to thanks everyone is writing on this blog cause reading it have been a big relief for me.
When i met my ex-boyfriend i didn’t realise he was depressed, i just thought he was introvert and i always justified him with the difference of our cultures (he is english i’m italian). For the first two months everything went ok, we where living together since the beginning of our relationship cause of a project we were participating. After the first two months we had the first fight and since that day everything start changing. He was spending every day in front of his computer and i start to be completely transparent for him. He started to rejecting me, he refused to have sex and often just be close with me. I started to be confused and the only answer i could receive from him were blaming me cause i wasn’t enough sexy or i was pressuring him. He is a really clever man i couldn’t realise he was going trough a depression period so i start to blame myself cause i couldn’t give him what he needs, he has never been so direct with me but the feelings i always get was that i wasn’t never enough. Anyway i started really to live in a nightmare because he never spoke with me about his sickness and always he pretended to be ok and i was the one that was crazy. We were living in Greece at that time and we both had no friends there, i felt completely alone and abandoned most of the time, and above all i was full of guilty feelings. So I started to get a lot of anxiety that sometimes took me to have huge panic attacks.
After few months he decided to broke with me telling me that he didn’t felt anything for me and the relationship wasn’t working because of me panicking. He also told me that i should see a therapist and he didn’t want to deal with my problems.
I was completely shocked. I’ve been tried so hard to do whatever i could for him, i spent many times thinking that i was not good enough and everything was collapsing because of me.
After we broke he completely disappear, i’ve tried a couple of time to contact him but he always acts like he despises me, so to don’t keep hurting myself i’ve stopped to do it.
Now it is two months i have no news from him, he never wrote to me or contact me in any way. i know that he is living completely alone, he never leaves the house spending all the time in front of his computer. He has no friends or at least nobody real to spend time with and he has problems to fall asleep.
I want to say that i’ve never tried to change him, for me he has always been a beautiful soul and i keep thinking of him and watching my mail box waiting for few lines.
I would like to tell him that i still love him and now i know that he was behaving like that because of depression but i have fear of his reaction.
i don’t know what to do.
Hi luisa,
Sorry to hear that. I have to admit I can’t understand how you stayed in the relationship when after only 2 months it became to go downhill. I think it’s time for you to take care of you and start a new start, he obviously doesn’t want your help and so since the very beginning. He will probably stay in that state for long, think about it, he can’t move forward in life for now but you can, it’s gonna be hard at first but I’m sure life will smile at you again.. good luck
I’d appreciate some perspective on this relationship situation which is completely sending my head into a spin.
I’d been in a two year relationship when my boyfriend suddenly called time on our relationship a few weeks ago. He is a little younger than me – I am 31, he is 26. His previous relationship broke down after five years and he told me it was because she wanted commitment (marriage and kids) and he didn’t.
Before we got together we had the discussion and I said want children one day, and that he would too, but not for a good few years. After being together for just four months, absolutely unexpectedly, I fell pregnant.
We both decided after much deliberation and long conversations, to keep the baby. A few weeks later I miscarried. He was devastated, and said we would do this again in the future when the time was right. He lived in a different city and planned to move over to be with me, which he is currently in the process of doing – but he broke up with me.
During our time together, he has told me he suffers with depression. He is a very mature, intelligent and talented man in many ways, and is a feminist, non-judgemental. My ideal guy, we were so happy and I genuinely believed this was true intimacy.
The only issues being his inability to handle any sort of relationship conflict whereby he literally runs away or shuts down whenever anything is raised. I see an element of ‘bickering’ as being normal in a relationship. Apparently in his previous relationship no one ever raised anything.
Six months ago I got an insight into the depth of his depression. He was unhappy in his job but seemed in good cheer, we were having a few drinks on the top floor of a hotel when he suddenly shut down and said he couldn’t stop thinking about jumping off the top.
I followed him back to his apartment where he was still inconsolable; sat on the floor and started to cut his arms with knives from the kitchen. I was trying to prise them from him and he would pick up other things – a corkscrew, anything. I had to call the police who also couldn’t get him to put down the knife, so they tasered him. I love him so much and to see him drop to the ground like that in such internal suffering, I will never forget it.
After that happened he promised to get some counselling – this never materialised and he won’t push for it. He just snapped out of it the next day and acted like nothing ever happened.
Since that event, he has been offered an incredible opportunity in the same city as me – working as an artist and exhibiting, travelling across Europe and generally being his dream job. I was absolutely thrilled that he would be happy now, and closer to me.
Unfortunately during this time I lost my job. It’s worth noting that I have also struggled with depression, but have had two rounds of therapy which allows me to manage everything well with hard work. The loss of my job led me to feel quite unstable, and I was a little more needy than usual, worried about the future.
He reassured me that we had a wonderful future together and whatever I do, not to worry as we would be together.
He went out with his new artist buddies and we arranged to meet at a certain time. He was not there, and I couldn’t get in touch with him. Because of what happened before I panicked, it had been 45 mins and no response. When he finally picked up his phone he was nonchalant and said he was just having drinks and got carried away chatting about progressing his art in China. I had been waiting for him for all this time! I was equal parts relieved and livid and admittedly shouted down the phone at him just forgetting me like that and making me worry.
He simply switched off his phone, got on a train back home and didn’t even bother to tell me. He finished things via text, and then apologised the next day.
He was still acting completely loved up, but said he couldn’t meet me because he was ‘doing laundry’ on his birthday. I got upset, and then he dropped the bombshell via text – the ‘we need to talk’ and that he doesn’t think he can be responsible for my happiness, that he doesn’t think about his future with me in the same way I do.
He then asked for space for a week and finished it over the phone. He said he has serious issues surrounding commitment and when it comes to getting on board with something serious, he just can’t do it. He said he knows he has a lot to work through and that it just wouldn’t be fair on me to carry on.
He’s completely switched off, is seemingly super happy with his new friends and career. I feel bereft, we were like best friends – it was him talking about the future – how is it possible to trust another man? I am so utterly confused.
What do people think? Was this for the best? Should I just forget about him and move on?
I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. We have been happy most of the time and even started talking marriage in November. He has recently completed his masters thesis & was relying on obtaining a scholarship but missed out.Since then, he has been quite down.
A month ago he came to visit me but ignored me all day. We went to bed that night & he wanted nothing to do with me. The following day, he broke up with me. I got nothing from him other than “I dont know” & “no” when I suggested counselling.The next day he said he thought he’d made a mistake but wasnt convinced we would work. Again, no explanation as to why.
A week later we were talking (only online mind you) & he insisted he still loved me & didnt know why he was doing this. A week ago, i received a call from him saying “sorry we need to move on” & he hung up & blocked my number. He wouldn’t let me speak at all. 48 hours later I was admitted to hospital for exhaustion. My friend reached out to him & he agreed we need to talk & apparently became very emotional (crying etc).
A week later I insisted to speak to him so he knew where I was at.I wanted to meet with him in person however he refused & stated he “wasnt ready”. He reluctantly agreed to let me call him & I said he didnt need to say anything. During the call, he seemed like a very different person.Normally he is talkative, warm & intouch with his feelings. Instead, he was completely disconnected and said he doesnt love me.I questioned him why he said he loved me previously but he didnt really give me an answer. He just kept saying it over & over and it sounded almost robotic. I said to him we need to keep communication lines open because at this point I dont know what’s going on in his head. He denied it & said talking will do nothing.
I said to him I cant move on if I dont know what is happening with us. I said it will be incredibly difficult for me to enter a new relationship knowing we have virtually been “perfect” this whole time, and now this.He said absolutely nothing.
I asked him if he was wanting a new relationship and he insisted he didnt.
I asked him what he would feel if I started a relationship with someone else & he felt uncomfortable answering that question & eventually said “FINE! I dont care” after insisting the question was inappropriate to ask him. He sounded incredibly flustered. I also asked him if he wanted me out of his life & he didnt seem to like that idea either and insisted he wanted to be friends but he couldn’t do that right now.
I asked him why he hasn’t had any communication with me and is making decisions without my input and he has said “I’ve been getting over you”.
He broke the news to his friends and theyre in total shock. They have questioned him why but he doesnt have an explanation at all. They have said he seems to “retreat”. One of them visited me on Friday and he said it’s all very disconnected and nothing like the Cameron that we know (they are very close friends).
Another friend of his (who mind you is incredibly narsasistic when he wants to be) contacted me when I raised concerns about Cameron’s behaviour and he deflected everything back on me claiming I am “the crazy one” and that he’s been unhappy for 12 months. Total news to me, so it makes me wonder if he is just being his typical horrible self to defend Cameron’s actions. I wasnt asking him to get involved, I was just concerned (as we ALL are).
Last night, I found out he has joined a dating website. It says he only wants friendship, but it still makes me feel ill to the stomach… it’s not like him at all to do anything like this.
I feel like he has mistaken our relationship for unhappiness when it’s truly the thesis… the thesis has just been released (3 weeks ago) and he has acknowledged me in the ‘special thanks’ section. He submitted this in December and this mess all started at the end of January. If he truly felt this way, I dont think I would have been mentioned.
he has sucked the life out of me and im starting to feel like a crazy person because of it… i am here for him and dont want to lose him, but i dont know where the real Cameron is. Im desperate for him to wake up.
im torn as to where to go from here.
Is this behaviour common of someone who suffers from anxiety/depression? I cant help to think that he’s putting on a big front to protect himself.
We have been together over 10years and I’m only 24. And we were so happy then out of the blue on Valentine’s Day, he just left. It’s so confusing, as everything he says is so conflicted. He left because it wasn’t fair on me and he couldn’t ever make me happy. He need space to get back to his old self and feel better. Then in the next instance, he says he wanted to be with me in the future and sees me as the mother of his children.
He is even more down and depressed now as because he left me, he says things like I would never leave you and would never do that, but I did and I don’t know why. But none of this feels real.
In two months I’ve seen him three times, and he has broken down bad each time.
He has only seen me because once o was scared had done something stupid so turned up at his parents house the other two were to move out.
Other than that he doesn’t wanna talk on the phone or see me. He can’t even look at me when he does.
He says it needs to be over because he isn’t happy with anything or anyone. And even the good was making everything worse.
He keeps telling me to move on and forget about him. To fall in love and find someone normal who will love me more. He had issues with sex but I didn’t care about that but to him it’s was the biggest thing in the world.
But then in the next instance he would say when you meet someone which you will, you will fall in love and do all the things we planned, and it will destroy me and make me so sad. He has only said these things when he had a break down then when he comes out of it it’s like ok, I just want you to be happy.
we were the same soooo happy no problem no arguments then overnight he changed. Just after years of struggling to support him through his masters everything was working out ok.
Honestly, reading this sounds like we are talking about the same person. I don’t blame him, I blame something that is going on with him and his head.
I’m just making sure I’m there for him where I can. But it is the hardest thing in the world.
How’s things with you?
Hi, thank you for your insist it is important to understand how our partner is thinking since it makes no sense to us. In a matter of a week, I’ve been treated from “her soulmate”, the “one”, the fiance & best friend to barely a friend. I know she has been depressed since I met her, I noticed some signs ; she called me once I was on the field,barely few months after we started dating, drunk and lost ; that was the first time I noticed how she would use alcohol “to shut her emotions” or mostly her brain. Now I look back and see many many signs like when she told before meeting me, she always thought she would die young. Concerned by so dark thoughts, I suggested her to get help and I had an angry answer “never”. I did explain I just wanted her to understand how she could feel like that. She is an anxious-depressive for sure, she has a way to shut down her feelings as she says but she never ever included me in that process, always letting me come back to her in a matter of hours. This time, after 3 years of relantionship, just when we were starting “our year” as she used to say, looking for my first job and planning on moving definitevely together, she breaks up with me. She’s had a very isolated week in her new work (changed teams 3 times in 3 years, I was hoping this one would be easier for her, she was never happy with the previous team and in the new one, suddenly the last one was good) and couldn’t text me all day long like we use to. She ended up having to face her dark thoughts and the depression got worse. In a week, barely after buying my ticket planes to be together in march for 3 months (which she was really happy about), she decides to take a break and couldn’t promise anything for March. One week later, after one night being drunk and admitting it, she calls and says she wants to break up, can’t wait a month, wants my stuff out right away or threatens to give it to goodwill. Instead of changing my ticket plane dates as she offered, one hour later she cancels it and says “its for the best”. I was so scared for my stuff I sent my brother the next day, insisting on her giving all because my brother won’t do that twice. It’s done, I cut contact for a week. Next week-end, she contacts me without saying hi nothing just that my brother forgot a lot of things and that she was thinking of giving me the camera (we bought it together, it’s a reminder of many beautiful memories), camera she said she wanted to keep the week before. I answered she could bring the “forgotten” stuff to my brother at work but to keep safely the camera for now (since I have no clue if I want it, it would bring me sadness for now) until I come to the US in April/May but not to decide anything without me.
I decided to stay silent after that for 2 weeks. Then I was in our family cabin in the Alps and decided to send a picture of the mountains with snow and the fire place since she’s always liked that. But no texts about how I feel, nothing sentimental, just one or two sentences with some humor. As an reaction, she cancelled my amazon account asking me to get rid of all the accounts on her name. I decided not to play that game and not answer… I just don’t know what to do, send a little message every 2 weeks about little things in life but nothing about us, or shut down the communication completely? This is just so hard not to understand whats going on in her head, since she’s always been telling me everything, calling & texting daily to me. I understand she needs to reconstruct herself and I told her that was fine with me but I know she thinks the solution is to jump into a new relationship, and that hurts me and won’t solve any issues. I tried to ask help from her dad but turned out it’s her mom who saw the email and answered to it saying I had been “a caring friend” (friend really??). I specifically told her not to tell my ex about me contacting them about my worries but I’m pretty sure she did. Her dad and even my ex admitted they thought the mom was bipolar (and she never got treated) so how can you expect her to help her daughter? I’m sad because I was the only one she would confess her darkest thoughts to and now she shut me down, saying that above all we were not from the same culture (adding she didn’t have any alcohol issues).
Any advice on what to do would be a huge help because I’m frankly lost and out of options.
This all sounds so familiar I’m afraid. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you – very much in love, talking about moving in together, just had a weekend away, spent time with her family over Christmas, then overnight, she switched. She was low and detached for the next month – libido vanished (we’d had sex 2 nights before she switched – nothing wrong there) and then a month into her Depression, she announced she had no feelings/love for me and we were over. She even said that these feelings had started sometime earlier – so she faked the last month or so? YOU CAN’T FAKE LOVE!
I now just have to sit tight and hope she gets better. All the sites out there say there’s nothing we, the partners, can do other than be patient or move on. It’s down to them to re-build, thrash our the worries troubled past (and my partner has one) and then not fear a future or factor in my as part of the equation.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Thanks Nlites,
I can tell we are in the same situation. It’s like it’s a layout depress people keep repeating… I’m just wondering if, despite her always answering in order to hurt me/push me away, I should still send her links about that website for her to read about how you feel about depression and reconize herself in that. But during the first week, I have sent her 2 emails telling I knew she was down and I was ok letting her find out a solution for herself but I would be there for her. As a result, she called me the next saturday, the day she freaked out about my stuff and the ticket plane, and said (and acted like) she was perfectly fine and had no alcohol issues. Btw, we talked several times about that and she reconized having that issue in the past. She even tried several time to stop for a short period of time.
I never talked I think about depression in those 2 emails so I don’t know if she has all the keys in hand. I’m really hoping so because I’m not sure, in the way she acts, that I can tell her now “you’re depressed, open your eyes & let’s see the solutions”. What would someone who used to be the depressed one would suggest me to do? Do I have to keep the unemotional mails going now until she accepts to answer in a positive way, and only then have the “talk”?
Thanks all for your support and thank you to the author for this very supportive website.
Oh Nlites, I totally get what you’re saying about not being possible to fake love. I’ve had the same remark, that she had doubt few months ago in September. So I dig up my memory, that was after my four months of writting 7days a week my pHd dissertation. I was litteraly exhausted and have had less time for our calls on facetime (usually we used to be on facetime all day long saturday and sunday) but every day, despite my work, she would call me and I would always find the time.
Then she came when I was done, end of September, we’ve had few nice days in Paris then went 10 days to my parents. I had planed that many days because we were planning on me going to the US definitevely to work in February so I knew that was one of the last time I could see my parents that long, especially since I had spent most of my time in the US for the 3 last years so they didn’t see me much. As a result, she said she felt abandonned (which of course was not true) and complained we were staying that long, she couldn’t pick the food… If that is not a selfish attitude what is?! We had a small argument about it, me reminding her how nice were my parents and especially my mom taking few hours to cook us food every day for us. After that, she’s made an effort and we have spent a nice time.
Then we flew together to the US in the mid west, meet her parents again and travelled through all the north, visiting Yellowstone at the same time. Back only the 2 of us, it went amazingly well, she was “crazy about me” as I was about her ; we’ve had, despite her down moments, very good days and nights at home and she kept showing me how good it felt together. As soon as I left she told me the appartment was feeling like home when I was there, but like crap as soon as I left.
So I perfectly know september was not an issue at all, we’ve had great times ; I think she was just trying to find an excuse. As she said in her mail after that talk, she couldn’t explain why the break up. It might be the same for you, they are trying to rationalize their unrational behavior.
Hand in there and take well care of you, now is the time 🙂
Hello. For almost a month now I have been online searching to make sense of what has happened to my bipolar husband and my marriage. I suffer from multiple illnesses to include anxiety and depression. We have been marries for almost 12 years. I am 13 years older than my spouce so we entered into the relationship with many differences. I was a single parent or a then four year old. I owned 2 homes and because of medical reasons I did not work. My husband worked 2 partime jobs and was just in the process of putting his life on track post drug addiction and incarcaration. Together we loved and supported each other. I noticed that what I once thought was routine moodiness was becoming more pronouced. My husband left after any little disagreement. He would be done hours days or weeks. I always thought I was not a good partner. I felt like I was so used to being alone that I needed to learn to comprise or adjust my behaviors. I tried. I would always be the one to reach out first after any argument. Over several years I found out that my husband had been unfaithful during several of his disconnect from our marriage. I was devastated. I forgave my husband as best as I could. He would never agree to counseling. I became very bitter. Overtime the dynamics of our relationship changed. As I became insure my husba n d seemed to gain confidence. Financially I had many set backs each time our relation was interrupted. My husband became more financially independent and I became dependent. My husbands explosive episodes became less frequent but more verbally abusive. After my mom suffered a stroke we moved in with her so I could care for her. My husband was a big help. In arguests he would criticize my choice for caring for her. Later he would apologize and say he was just trying to hurt me. I started to resent all the turmoil over the years. I did not trust my husband. As developed more health problems I worried he might grow tired of my restrictions. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged. Caring for my mother and raising our ADD child was challenging but we kept holding on. Recently my husbsnd’s father became ill. He lost his mom a few years prior to cancer. I believe the stresses of being around illnesses poor sleep habits and mounting debt helped push my husband over the edge. I also think that dome passive aggressive behavior from some of his family member put me in a position to ask him to defend me. I watched my husband avoid stirring up tensions with his family while being agitated by me. My husband became secretive about getting money from his 401k and he stopped paying his bills. He said he was going to consolidate them. He made $100,000 last year. He could have easily paid his bills. The final straw was when his stepmother wanted him to pretend to be his dad to the bank for her. He was going to put money in our account from an account his dad’s bank froze. I asked him not to do it or take me off the account. He wouldn’t. After being gone and unreachable for 4 hour he came back but he looked scary in his eyes. I told him we both were emotional and we needed to to calm down. Since I didn’t open the door he left. He cut off all communicatIon with me. He also said he was filing bankruptcy. We have a few joint accounts and he isn’t paying any of our bills. In a week he took off his wedding ring. The next week he went gambling and the week after that he got an apartment. No communication. I took out $2600 from our joint account the he had $15,000 in. He says I stole from him. Please help. I want to save our narriage but feel like his his done.
I’ll make this initial post brief and fill in details later but basically my husband and I have been married over four years now, together for nearly twelve. We have a three year old child together and have shared a mostly happy and very loving & affectionate relationship. When I think back to any issues that we have had, they all tie into what we now know is a behavioral addiction to online affairs and sexting that he began before we were even together. I hadn’t realized the severity of it or that is was something that has occurred consistently over the years until just recently, when he was found to have depression and anxiety due to the guilt and trying to overcome this addiction on his own. I felt like he almost snapped; Tuesday of that week was normal, very loving and affectionate. Wednesday he seemed a bit moody but it didn’t raise any flags. Same Thursday. But when he got home from work Friday, I couldn’t understand the anger at all. I told him he seemed very unstable as he was driving and he literally had to stop the car and collect himself for a minute. We got home and put our son to bed and he sat in the living room and I’d swear he was a stranger; I didn’t know who that was. His eyes looked crazed and he said although he was not suicidal ad couldn’t imagine hurting us like that, that he could vividly see himself putting a gun in his mouth and then all of the stress would be gone. This was obviously terrifying for me so I suggested that he needed to go to the er right away. He always leaned on me for support so I was heartbroken when he said he didn’t want me to go with him. I’ll fill in the gaps if I can get any response but at the moment, we are about a month and a half from that incident, he is about 4 weeks in on his Paxil & I feel that it might be starting to take some of the edge off of the anger and anxiety that he was having, and he is now seeing a therapist once a week, tomorrow and last Monday so far. But, he is also mostly convinced on most days that divorce would be an escape for him. He is very back and forth and contradicts a lot of what he says but it is hard to hear. His addiction has also progressed to the point where he is getting way too close to a female coworker (since the depression came on) and his “online persona” (arrogant!!) is making an appearance at work. He has been acting very much unlike himself and only those closest to him are really noticing that he is legitimately ill and needs help! Everyone else just thinks he is being a selfish asshole. Like I said, I’d be happy to further elaborate but I was hoping to find someone who is or has been in a similar situation. (like newly diagnosed depression and the spouse leaving) I would love to communicate with someone or with multiple people for support either via email or something else!
I have been with my boyfriend for the last 5 years. Within this time he has left me for real twice before now. We both are suffering from depression but he has extreme depression and anger issues which most probably started in his childhood as he had a horrible one. I had my share of fault but I have never left him. He had said that he is breaking up with me every time we had a major fight and then I went back to him every time to fix things. But nothing was ever fixed. We both tried. But we both kind of held on to the horrible things we said and did to each other.
But I have tried really hard to let go of the bad memories and make things work for the last one year. But he never even acknowledged it or let alone appreciate it. He believes that we were together because of his efforts; I made no sacrifices. But everyone who knows me has told me that how I have become more patient and mature within a year. But it was not enough for him. I have anger issues too. We have been fighting since Christmas 2015 over an issue of the past.
After Christmas, he got a really good job. It meant a lot to him. And it meant a lot to me too. But I never got a chance to properly express that. He started to get more stressed out after the news of the job for some reason. He fought with me and said that he can’t tolerate me anymore. Later he told me to give him space as he was on a tipping point and might have a mental breakdown. To do so, I decided to go on an office trip out of town so that I am forced to give him space. The day I returned from the trip he called me at night and we began to fight. It was also the before his first day at work. I ordered him to treat me properly but he refused to do so and was rude. To hurt him back I said, “I wish you get fired tomorrow” and hung up. He called me again and said he will only talk to me on weekends from now on (it is usual of him to give me threats to control me).I said go f*#$ yourself and hung up. He called me again and said he is breaking up with me. And that was that. I tried everything I could a day later to change his mind, which usually works. But this time he is determined to leave me.
I wished him good luck one day before the trip but it was not enough. I briefly told him before going to the trip that how happy I am that he got the job but it was not enough. The only thing he now remembers is the bad things I said. He said he doesn’t want to do anything for me anymore, which he has been saying for months already.
He just got a great job. Now he can have a new start leaving me behind. A life where he will have hundreds of friends, will have loads of fun, and won’t have to come back to a whining, bitchy girlfriend. In his own words, a horrible girlfriend.
I know I have a lot of problems. But the fact that me giving so effort meant nothing to him pushed me towards my tipping point as well. I don’t know what to do anymore. He is my first boyfriend and I have always wanted to spent the rest of my life with him despite our horrible relationship. I don’t know what I’ll do if he actually leaves me this time.
I have been wanting to talk to some for the last few months to help cope with my boyfriend’s depression and just today he has ended things which makes it more difficult.
It started in October when he basically broke down due to something seemingly small but I believe this was building up since his dad passed away in July and he carried guilt and did not deal with it. He pushed me away but I continued to be positive and supportive.
Things improved and he said he was feeling like himself again. He celebrated my 30th birthday with me and then broke down even worse straight after. He stopped talking to me often and was very withdrawn. He only said he wanted to be alone and he was struggling and it wasn’t my fault.
I became really upset at this point as I deal with anxiety anyway. I tried to remain supportive but it was difficult. I became very insecure and down. I decided to go overseas to spend Christmas with my family. Just today, on Christmas Eve, he sent me an email saying this wasn’t good for either of us and he felt guilty for stripping me of my trust and confidence and couldn’t get better with that on his conscience.
I understand where he is coming from but I feel lost. I want to be there for him but I feel I’m not as strong as I should be. I want him to get better and I want us to be together eventually. I don’t know what to do.
good morning
I am in the same situation , he broke up with me 10 days ago and I suffer from depression myself , I blow up in rage that day what it didn’t help at all , now I am trying to make amends and still telling him how much I love him and that I am here for him , I also told him I am not going to leave him alone on this , but he hasn’t reply at all , I still here . meditation and prayers help me when I am getting down
It is awful. I am going to see him when I get back from visiting family but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The worst part is accepting that this is out of my control and I wish there was something I can do. I know we both need to work on ourselves, probably independent of one another. But I am not ready to give up on a relationship. I hope I’m not being naive.
Yes , it is , but I have been reading a lot on this matter. can I ask you something? is his anger go to rage or he still nice with you?
I just need to find a way to show him I am here and everything will be ok, That he isn’t alone and
Hi
I have been reading a lot as well and I think that is a testament to how much we care and how we are trying to understand what is going on.
He has always been nice to me. He said he still loves me but can’t be a boyfriend to me and it’s killing him watching how my confidence and trust is being stripped away. We have exchanged a few pleasant messages. I am just trying to take it day by day.
I was with a girl for only 2 months. I’m 36 and she is 25. From the moment we met I felt an instant connection with her and from the things she said and acted with me I felt like she was feeling exactly the same. Within the first or second date she told me that she does suffer from some kind of depression and is on medication for it. She told me that she wanted me to know so incase she gets into one of her moods where she just wants to be left alone that I would understand. I told her I completely get being as there has been points in my life that I have felt depressed too. I know we both jumped into a relationship very fast. But for me I kept telling myself that I have dated many girls and this is the first girl that I’ve been with that everything just feels very right. My feelings for her just felt very natural. Nothing felt forced. Everything I did for her I did because I wanted to. It wasn’t to try to impress her or make her any more happy. I did it just because I just enjoyed spending time with her. When we first met she told me that she wanted to go back to school and get her Masters. She is interested in a field that isn’t offered at many schools so she would be looking at schools in the city or out of state. I told her that I would never make her chose between me and school and if she decides on a school out of state that I would be supportive and do everything I could to make sure our relationship would last. There was an open house to one of the schools in the city and she asked me if I would go with her to check it out. I said no problem. So I changed my work schedule around and made it happen. I figured since we were in the city that I would make a nice day of it. So after we checked out the school I took her to lunch at the seaport then surprised her with tickets to the top of the Freedom Tower. I thought we had a great day. When we got back I was just in a blah mood. I was just tired and was thinking about work the next day. At first she wanted to come back to my house but by the time we got back home we both agreed that it was late so I dropped her off at home. She gave me a big kiss and thanked me for the day. The next day I was just tired. Nothing was wrong just tired. That night she sent me a text saying “babe I feel like you are mad at me”. I said you did nothing wrong so I’m not mad at you at all. The next day she said she wanted sushi and to cuddle with me. So I changed my plans to go to a wake that night and came home as soon as I could so I could spend time with her. We ate dinner and she cuddled up with me but I felt like something was a little off. But I wasn’t feeling to well so I just thought it was in my head. We went to bed and she asked me what do I enjoy doing but you can’t say anything with me. I said I really enjoy playing golf. I felt like she might have been looking for me to have a more intellectual answer like reading or going to museums. But we fell asleep and she woke up before me to go to work. She just gave me a quick peck and started to walk away. I said “that’s it” because she would usually say “love you”. Then a few hours later when I was at work she sent me a text saying “sorry I’ve been so distant”. Now I really only felt the distance the night before. Never until then. But I replied “I thought something was up”. She said she feels out futures are too different. I said why do you want to end something that we know is good now for a future that isn’t garunteed. Then she said she can’t give me as much as I give her. I said the way you make me feel is all I need. Then she said that she is not good with relationships. She said that I deserve someone better. I said isn’t it up to me to say who I deserve to be with. Then she said I don’t know I’m going to go to your house and get the fuck out of your life. I said babe. Please slow down. I care about you and don’t want to lose you. Please take a few days to yourself and make sure what you are feeling before you do this. An hour and a half later she calls me to tell me she went to my house and picked up her belongings. I got very upset because all of this went down while I was working. I thought we everything she would have been able to at least talk to me in person. I never in my life was hurt so bad. It was a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The next day I sent her a text asking how her day was. “Oh wait I forgot we don’t do the anymore.” She replied saying she “thought that if she acted like she was in love the feelings would follow but the never did. I only cared for you as a human being but never romantic.” It was like she just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I replied with some hurtful things. I used things she told me about her past to try to hurt her. I didn’t say a word to her for a few days then on Thanksgiving she sent me a text saying she was thankful for me patience, kindness and forgiveness. The next day I apologized for being immature and saying things I didn’t mean. She didn’t reply at all and I felt like she was just trying to throw salt into a wound. I ended up saying more hurtful things to her because I know I was so upset that I thought it would make me feel better. But obviously I was wrong. The next day she pretty much told me to cauterize the wound and walk away. Once the pain stopped and I was able to slow my thoughts down I then thought about how she told me about her depression. Then after everything I have been reading on these websites I feel like it described everything that I just went through. I sent her a text a week ago saying I’m very sorry for saying things to hurt you only because I was hiring. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I do feel like I understand now and I’m sorry. She hasn’t replied. I know I have to move on. But I can’t get her out of my head. It’s like I’m having a constant conversation with her in my head. Why I’m a hurting so much over someone I only knew for 2 months. The hardest part is not knowing if all of this happened because of her depression and everything else going on in her life. Or did she really not feel for me the way she seemed to. I don’t know if I should text her Merry Chistmas in a couple weeks. If I should drop off some of her shirts that she forgot here. I don’t know what to do because I really fell for her and I don’t want to give up. Isn’t the good things in life worth fighting for. Or was I just blinded by this person.
I can relate to what you are going through! My boyfriend of 2 years was acting a little withdrawn and spending a lot of time with his friends. I chalked it up to being football season. While with his friends he was ignoring me & I found out he was getting completely wasted drunk. Needless to say my feelings were hurt. I took it very personal that he would rather get wasted with his jsckass friends instead of spending time with me. I tried to talk to him, but was met with silence. He would usually leave & tell me I needed to calm down (cause I was crying). He ended up breaking up with me via text saying “I’m depressed, the fighting is making it worse, I know you’ll find someone better”. I had zero say in the situation. Three days later, I was in a severe car accident where I was admitted to the trauma unit. I reached out to him & received silence. After spending 5 days in the hospital, albeit alone during thanksgiving, and having surgery, he stopped by my place briefly to take me to get medication. The following day I noticed photos on Facebook of him getting drunk with his friends, acting like a total drunken fool, including pictures & a new friend request with some girl I’ve never seen before. I was floored. Completely hurt. I brought it up to him & received silence. When he did finally respond his response was “I don’t know why I did it. I have no explanation. I am depressed, but trying to put on a smile”. He’s pretty much iced me out completely now.
I’m struggling with wondering if he’s really depressed & trying to mask things or if he’s just a jerk, trying to revert to his college years (he’s nearly 38!).
Just thought I’d share. It’s a very rough time for me. Spending 2 years with someone who has changed so much, into someone I don’t even know!
My boyfriend of four years left me for his sisters best friend. He knew her longer than he knew me, but he always looked to her as being a sister, nothing more. Our relationship was toxic, but I never wanted anyone else when I was with him. He was the only guy I ever saw myself being with. He went from one day begging me not to leave him to the next being completely hostile towards me. He ended up telling this girl that he had been in love with her for 8 years, but then cheated on her with me almost a year after they got together. We treated each other really well, but at the same time, we didn’t. We were always with each other. Hung out every single day. I always wanted to hang out with him and be with him, and I would always get really upset if I couldn’t be. He always had privacy issues. Never let me touch his phone, never really liked to open up to me about anything, and he was always working. He’s got an amazing work ethic. From looking at him, you never would have thought anything was wrong. He was always joking around with his friends, but he was sarcastic and always had to be in control. This guy was my first love, the guy I was going to marry. He would even tell his mom not to let me take a medicine that I was deathly allergic to because he knew it would kill me and he didn’t want anything to happen to me. I think he really loved me, but by me wanting to leave him, I think it switched on some sort of defense mechanism in him. When we broke up, I left him alone for a while because I knew I couldn’t beg for him back. He jumped into a relationship with this girl not even two weeks after we split up. I messaged him first after about 4 months letting him know that I still cared and still loved him. We made small talk, but he was real short with me. Once again, I left him alone. Next thing I know, he starts getting ahold of me off of fake numbers, pretending to be someone else and trying to get me to send nudes or come meet up with him to have sex. I finally ratted him out after he cheated on her with me and he hasn’t tried to contact me since. The last time I talked to him, I found out it was him and he told me that he loved me and always had and wanted to come back to me, but said it wouldn’t be as soon as I wanted him to. You see, after he left me, he moved away. He told me that he didn’t want to live with me and then him and his new girlfriend moved in together not even 6 months into them dating. And somehow she always has his cellphone, even when I could never touch it. This girl is a lot more crazy than I ever was with him. They have a lot of similar interests, but me and this girl are two completely different people. And I think he really hates the invasion of privacy he gets from being with her. He never had that with me. I always respected his privacy, even though I had to question it a lot considering there were a lot of rumors going around that he cheated on me a lot. I don’t know what to do about my situation. By me ratting him out, he cried to his new girlfriend and told her that it never happened and they managed to turn his whole family against me because of it and even some of my own friends don’t believe me that he’s been doing this to me for quite some time since we’ve broken up. But I feel like there’s some kind of monster deep inside of him. I loved this boy to death, and I’m still not over him and it’s been two years since we’ve been apart. I’ve tried to be nice to him, but how can I when he wont even talk to me as himself when he DOES talk to me and then goes and cries to his girlfriend when he he’s caught for it? We were together for four years and were engaged for one. We were going to get married. I didn’t want to let this one go, but he’s making it impossible for us to try to even save what we had. If it were up to me, we would be back together in a heartbeat, but he’s the one who has all of the control. I just don’t understand where we went wrong, why he’s doing this to me, and what I can do to get through to him. After reading this article, I wonder, was he depressed? The way he left me is the way you describe it in this post. What I really want to know is if he’s really over me and is just using me for his own personal use or if he really meant that he wants me back, but won’t let go of his pride for us to even try to get back together. What do I do?
Reading these comments has been cathartic, and I can’t thank you enough. My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, saying that his depression had gotten worse and that he needed to distance himself from any potential cause of stress – including me. He was upfront from the beginning about his ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety, and recently there had been outside stressors (work, career, etc.) that may have triggered his current depressive state. I won’t go into his past, but suffice it to say it was an emotional minefield. I hope I provided some joy and comfort in the time that we spent together; things were going well (or so I thought) and he seemed happy with me. We had gone out on a date several days prior, and he seemed to enjoy himself and was quite affectionate. I just don’t know right now. My friends have been wonderful and have been helping me stay occupied since this happened, and thank goodness for schoolwork. He said that one day he hoped we would be friends, which just hurts because I do care about him and want to be with him. I left him one last text wishing him the best and that I was a phone call away if he wanted to talk. I don’t know if it’s the last communication we’ll ever have. I hope not. I will probably seek out therapy for myself in the meantime.
I am in the exactly same situation you are now. He asked me a break, but for me is him breaking up with me. So I totally understand this feeling. I am going to therapy this week, have been struggling for 5 days, even if I am trying to stay occupied and thank god I have incredible friends, I really love them
I am really confused about my recent breakup. I can see now that my boyfriend was really not doing well, but as I have been manipulated before by and NPD and my when my most recent ex kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, I had no choice but to imagine that the issues were all my trust issues and that if I loved him, I would suck it up and be the best girlfriend ever. He was having a really hard time at work and has just moved to a new city. He was upset for a time because he couldn’t make up his mind about whether or not he was ready for me to move there, which I wanted to do initially. The stress of the relationship, plus the new job, plus the new city proved to be too much for him and he lost a lot of weight and was crying all the time. He was also really tired and said he was going to therapy to try and figure things out and his therapist told him he needed to think about himself for a while. I even went with him once and (I have contacted her to make sure she takes care of him and ask her what I can do). I echoed the same thought, but didn’t think I would be the variable he would eliminate. We had plans, we were in love, I felt it. My divorce was to become final in January and it seems as if as soon as that happened, it all went downhill. When he came to see me the last time, he was a mess. He told me he was depressed and didn’t know if he could be what I needed right now. I couldn’t listen, I just kept saying, “I want to be there for you. For us.” Eventually after I had been crying and emotional about the fact that I missed him and no longer wanted to be without my boyfriend and wanted to move forward with him, he called me to say he needed a break and wasn’t sure about the terms. He said all he could say was “I don’t know” and being that I didn’t understand his depression, I thought for sure he wanted to just be with other women, which he denied. I told him it was a breakup and twice since have tried to change his mind, the first time asking if he would come to therapy with me and the second if he would flat out change his mind. He won’t budge. He says he’s sending me my things and doesn’t know if he can see me when I’m there for a conference later in the month. I am so confused. I don’t know if I can take it as a normal breakup. I emailed him and texted him today, most likely just to clear my conscious, to say that I am here for him and I know this isn’t about me and don’t blame him. I told him I know he has to do this by himself but to know I am going to be here to give him the help for the depression that it took me so long to see no matter what. I don’t expect to hear back right now. I don’t believe this changes overnight…or maybe ever. I know that there’s nothing I can do to make him happy again and it’s not about me, but if someone can please reiterate that to me or has some sort of positive anecdote about a transformation and their involvement in it or how they moved on, I would be very grateful!
Hey R,hope you are doing well, i know this was 3 yrs ago but could you ever tell me what happened with you guys.. did you resolve it I’m like in the exact position you were i havent contacted him since he broke up with me tho which was 2 weeks ago. Do you have any tips.
Lots of Love Stacy
Well another bites the dust….another relationship statistic – clinical illness and relationship failure. I moved out of my bf house a month ago and not sure how I am feeling/doing. He refused treatment for depression/ bioplar other than to smoke weed, which DID NOT help at all. He was convinced I was the issue and had to go, we still chat the odd time and apparently still miserable/anxious/ paranoid/depressed etc. But I am still the issue and so disrespectful to the point I have just recently blocked him from all social media and trying to just stop texting him period – Day 4.
Everyone says and I read that you should not judge the person for their actions, they are clinically ill but I don’t know?? The destruction that he has caused and still trying too, it’s unsettling and I’m just SOOO mad that I was in this situation and wasted so much energy and my time thinking/hoping he would get better. How did I love someone like this, a Jekyll and Hyde true to the bones? Is there something wrong with me?
Hi Lesley, What you wrote resonates with me. I, too, was in a relationship with a guy for five years who now suffers from clinical depression and seeks solace in weed. I was also described as the root of the problems in his life, and I was dumped six weeks ago because I caused him too much ‘stress and tension’. Apparently I constantly hurt him and let him down, which hurt a lot because I tried repeatedly to help him through his depression.
There’s nothing wrong with you, Lesley. You stuck by someone who was ill and that’s not a bad thing to do. There comes a time, though, when we have to recognise that there’s nothing more we can do for clinically depressed partners/ex-partners.
Hi everyone.
My boyfriend of 2 years who I love dearly has recently asked me for space and to take a break from the relationship. We have never had an arguement. Everything was going perfectly fine. He quit his job about a year ago and wanted to start his own business. By doing this he has got himself into a lot of debt. He has said he didnt know what was going through his mind at the time when he left a perfectly well paid job. He recently told me that because of his debt and his business idea not going as well as he had hoped he thinks he is going through a nervous breakdown and was depressed.
He has not been able to spend much time with me recently and also with his daughter. He now wishes he never left his job. Two close people to him also died not long before we got together and I think he has never truly grieved. The other day when he asked for a break he broke down. He never cries. I offered my support to him and told him it was best to let it all out. I have not seen him properly now for 4 days. I have sent a couple of texts to let him know I am there for him if he needs me and that he is the best boyfriend and a great dad. I havent had any response as of yet. It is killing me inside to see him this way and our once strong connection falling apart right in front of me. What can I do when he says he wants a break.
I of course agreed to honour his request and it was quite emotional. Should I leave him be at the moment because I do not want to push him away. Any comments/thoughts are welcomed. Thank you
I also told him that I think he should seek professional help and support, but whether he has taken these steps I am not sure. I think I am truly the only person that knows what he is going through.
Anonymous….dealing with boyfriend completely isolating himself. Its been 2 months….I suggested to him he needs to seek help early on. He is in denial, although he admits to battling depression 20 years ago. I believe its been chronic depression for past 20 years, and now has progressed to major depression. He sometimes returns texts, never picks up phone. Would allow me in when I stopped over unannounced. Won’t be doing that again. 🙂
Did your boyfriend get help? Did he return to you?
Default Suspected ex with depression (think I am now too)
Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me two months ago and has shown little remorse despite kicking me out of the house and causing me not only emotional pain but significant monetary cost. Usually she is the nicest person in the world, but went to bed one day happy and woke up miserable the next. Before I moved in she had always lived alone, but she really pushed for me to move in. So after a year of dating I did. She would have some periods that she was irrationally angry towards me, might last a week or two. She even realised this and got a book to read to help. After a few months we had to move to a new house, she warned me she would be impatient and get angry so I put her behaviour before, during and after the move down to this. Our sex life stopped. Couple of months after I moved in. Before that she was definitely more in love with me than I was with her, loads of people including my parents thought that she had made up her mind on marriage, but wasn’t sure about me. A few weeks before she broke it off she said to me (drunkenly on a night out with friends) she loved me and missed me but found it hard to live with someone, but if she was going to do it with anyone it would be me and repeated the tone in the morning.
She has many reasons in her life to be depressed;
Stress from long hours in her job
Sister pregnant and die soon (her other sister had a baby die in labour last year)
Mum died when she was a child
The move
Not having her own space when I was there
Turned 30 since we broke up
When her dad remarried her step mum hates her and she had to live with her gran
Previous boyfriend cheated on her and sent her pictures of it on Valentine’s Day (not sure if relevant, but possibly attachment issue?)
Despite me being he love of her life at one point I really feel like she hates me now. She hasn’t said as such but I get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me. She has stayed in touch with other exes.
She couldn’t give a good reason when breaking up with me, just she felt claustrophobic, but couldn’t settle on a reason. she has been a bit hit and cold in the very few times we have been in contact and has just joined tinder (she popped up on mine) 2 months to the day since we broke up.
Any advice on what I should do? I don’t think I can win her back, as much as I’d like to, I am still madly in love with her. I worry about her, I don’t think anyone else knows, when her sister came to visit a week before she broke up with me she put on a happy face and she usually tells her sister everything.
Also the week before we went to dinner with my parents and went out of her way to text my mum to say they should visit more often. She talked about the future till the end.
I took this all very hard and have been working on fixing myself first, hence waiting two months to ask this.
Hi Tom, Read your post. I am in a very similar situation. It’s been few months since you posted this. How are you doing now? My ex (broke up in May 2015) said very similar things and has been very cold to me on the occasional few times we had to communicate. I believe that they just don’t have the emotional reservoir to deal with the situation at the moment. They have to deal with their own issues first. My ex had initially said that they can’t focus on things and felt like their emotions were locked up in a dark hole. One month later I saw him, and he lost alot of weight, took up smoking, and there was something really empty in his eyes. He said being with him would be like being with an empty shell. Just didn’t feel normal. My gut told me so. Especially since everything was going well. He couldn’t even remember that two days before we had an amazing time. I guess depression is a bit unpredictable. Until she gets the help she needs, you really just need to focus on yourself and deal with each day as it comes. It’ll get easier 🙂
Hi all,
I have been reading your posts and can relate to them all. My partner of several months has been suffering from depression on and off in the time I have known him. I too suffered from it but made a recovery and came off anti depressants due to my strength and passion for seeking ofher sources for help.
My partners mood had gone downhill over the last two months due to him hating his job, bad injury which stopped a big hobby of his and money trouble. I have always done things for him including decorating his house which was in such a state and buying him things to help boost his mood and encourage hobbies.
He withdrew himself a few weeks ago after a constant barrage of negative comments and snapping at me and told me he was struggling and that he had fallen out of love with me.
I in that time had made the mistake of trying to find some cash to pay some bills by going onto adult chat sites pretending to be other people sending fantasy messages. After ten messages my morals kicked in and I stopped but told him straight what I had done. I thought he would accept that I had just made a daft mistake and respect my honesty.
He told me he didn’t trust me and would just basically be with me in the future to get me through some bad news about a family member of mine. I respect myself enough to not want to be with someone who doesn’t love me or want to be with me In a form of duty or pity . Because he told me he didn’t trust me I felt very sore and angry as he was my world and I worshipped the ground he walked on. I slept , breathed and thought of him 24/7 and put him first before myself. So to say that was an insult.
He came round mine crying and we really got upset and said it was messed up. I knew deep down we needed space and he needs help. He’s very depressed and everything around him says that. He hates everything in his life and I had tried so hard to encourage him to improve his career or look to hobbies to cheer himself up.
We have now split but I am so worried about him as he’s on his own and he went round to my parents last night to drop off a car he borrowed. In that time my parents said they have never seen anyone that upset and distressed. I am so worried about him but he’s asked me to give him some space and time. I would like to be at least friends with him but I am still madly in love with him for me to be around him at the moment . I don’t know what to do and his has been the worst few days of my life. I am booked to see a counsellor and have done things for myself including booking driving lessons and some voluntary work. I know how to help my depression and how to stop it latching by doing things to help myself feel good about myself. He just cannot do that and I m worried . So heartbroken
This is true. I have been through an episode with my husband of 22 years I think he is depressed his behaviour has totally changed overnight, at first he was just stressed and it had nothing to do with me then it was all to do with me he has questioned our marriage saying perhaps it has come to the end of the line. Whenever I ask him to go back to the docs as he says he’s not happy and doesn’t know why he then says it’s a marriage problem and he can’t get a connection back with me. Although he cuddles me in bed and has sex with me. He told me that his health was suffering as a result of our marriage problem and that we needed to part 4 weeks ago. So I left he hasn’t contacted me at all in that time I contacted him once and he said he does love me.but he is cold and emotionless . He is like Jekyll and Hyde and he hides it very well to other people he says he is adamant he is not depressed. Last night as I have been sleeping on a sofa bed I walked into the house into the bedroom and asked if it was ok for me to sleep I. Bed with him no pressure I jugs needed a good night sleep.he looked confused but he said no problem then when I got In turned away from him to go to sleep he cuddled me and one thing lead to another. I know he still wants and lives me and I have said when he is ready we will talk but me can’t carry on living with him until he admits he has a problem. It’s heartbreaking what has happened to him but he took me to a very dark place and I can’t help him anymore.
My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has been slowly sinking into depression for about a year and a half. I was hopeful that once he got a better job that he liked he would feel better but he didn’t. Things finally came to a head and he got on Effexor, he’d only been on it for 10 days before he decided it would be best for me if he moved out (last Saturday). I did not agree. I want him to be home so that we can work on it together.
This week has been awful. So emotional. I went to his doctors appt Tuesday for his 2 week follow up for the medication and the doctor said for him to stay on the medication and referred him to a counselor (he can’t get in with her until next week though). Time seems so slow for me. I try to reach out to him everyday but I don’t know what to do. We agreed to be “separated” instead of totally throwing in the towel. I don’t know if he’s doing that so that he dosen’t hurt me more or what though? I’m not sure how often I should make first contact? He spent the night Thursday which was great but also confusing. Yesterday he didn’t say “I love you” back after I said it which filled me with dread.
I’m freaking out. I just want him to feel better and come home. :’ (
My wife did something similar. She is on venlafaxine (generic effexor) and has been since last fall. Now she is telling me she is unsure if she has ever been in love with me, lost romantic connection and but yet is attracted to others.
I was the love of her life, she would tell everyone how amazing I was, how I made her happy and how in love she was with me. In the past 6 months she seemed to slip into a rut, maybe depression since slept a lot, lost her appetite, couldn’t finish tasks, etc…
She went from callous, to apologetic and wanting to go to counseling to at least see what happens back to callous in one week. As of now she wants to throw in the towel and let us go our separate ways.
This is also happening to me my partner left me and my son 2 mths ago.
I may loose my house and I’m falling apart.
I don’t know what the answer is.
It’s horendous.
The examples of how the depressed partner takes it out on the other makes sense to me know, but I think it’s too late for us.
I am going through the above at the moment , my husnabd has left me , says hes closing down the business as he hates it , but he lived for that business and enjoyed it every day . I am at a lost as nothing had changed in the household , no rows , had a loving realationship . Cam home form work and he had gone left a note stating he hated hi business and did not know how he felt about the marriage. He is now back with his mum ( he is in his mid 40 ) and stays in his bedroom . He has lost weight and being negative . I say i am here for you and will support you and i love him with all my heart . His text sometimes are caring but sometimes hostile , but all of them are about him and how he feels . I send him the loving text he sent me 2 days before he left with no reply . He has lsot over a stoen in weight but then again so have I . I am not coping well with all this as i don’t understand his actions . please can someone help in a state of desperation
Thanks in advance
Hi Judy,
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I went through a similar thing seven months ago so I have an idea of how traumatic the experience is. I am still somewhat reeling from the shock.
My best advice would be to look for support for yourself wherever you can find it, and to empower yourself by finding out as much about depression as possible. The other thing, and the most difficult, is to accept that you have no control over the current situation and that depressed partners need A LOT of time and space.
This website is very helpful for informing yourself, as is the Depression Fallout Forum message board and a website called my partner is depressed .com (without the spaces). It is sad to hear all of the stories of others, but it is reassuring to see that what you are going through is not at all uncommon when it comes to depression, and that it is in no way your fault.
Sending you a big hug x
My now-ex has been suffering from depression for a long time. Last year he sought professional help because he felt lost in life and the professional path he had been on was not fulfilling for him. We have struggled in the past because of his depression and his inconsistency in providing me with the emotional connectedness I needed to be completely happy. A few months ago he decided to move to another city for a work opportunity that to him was a pursuit he had always dreamed of. All I could do was be supportive and understanding. We went on for several months trying to make the distance work, and despite his assurances that we would be okay, things deteriorated rapidly. I grew upset and depressed myself because he was either unable or unwilling to show me that I was a priority in his life. It seemed like I always had to remind him how I needed to be treated in order to be happy. At times, things would be wonderful and it felt like he turned a corner and would be able to give me the love and emotional connection he had been capable of in the past. A little over a month ago though, he out of nowhere decided to ‘step away’ in order to find himself. He explained that he wasn’t leaving because he no longer loved me; he said that breaking up with me right now was the hard thing to do. The only reason I got from him is that he still feels lost and does not feel as though he can make me a priority right now and really give me what I deserve. He recognized how much it was hurting me that I wasn’t a priority thus decided to leave. He explained to me that he may not be stepping away forever, and wanted me to know that when he found himself he may want to try and make things work. I’m having immense difficulty dealing with his sudden departure and reconciling the confusion as to whether or not he’ll find himself and come back to me. Since we broke up we have spoken several times and each time we do he again explains to me that he doesn’t know why he is feeling so lost and that when he has had moments of clarity he envisions us together and happy. He says that he wants to talk more when he is able to communicate his feelings better and as he progresses in his recovery. I guess my confusion is due to whether or not I should be holding on to him and the hope that he will soon gain some clarity and be willing to try and make things work. I understand that I cannot hold on forever, but I also feel that if I sever all ties with him that I will certainly be shutting the door on any hope for a future together. I don’t know whether I should be sticking around to help him ‘weather the storm’ in the hopes that by doing so we could be stronger as a couple, or leave him completely alone to cope with his depression by himself. I’ve sought professional help myself, and everyone is telling me to forget him and move on, but I don’t want to leave him completely alone when he is suffering from deep depression. What can I possibly do to help him? Is he really stepping away because of the depression? Should I still be holding on to hope that he will return?
I am going threw the exact same emotional conflicts. I don’t have any answers for you either, I just wanted you to know that your not alone.
This mirrors my situation with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. What ended up happening with your story, Jane? I need help.
Very similar story. My fiancee of five years also broke up with me because of his depression. He still tells me he cares about me, but that he can’t be with me if he wants to focus entirely on getting better. He also blames part of the depression on our relationship, despite me trying to do eevrything I can to support him, which he does not accept. It’s heartbreaking.
Same story for me. My fiance and companion of 6 years walked out on me 3 weeks ago and move out completely 1 week ago. He didn’t say anything, I just came home one night to find out most of his things were gone. I spoke to him last week and he told me that another woman was not the decision he moved out, that it was God calling him to do it because I wasn’t happy. He also told me that he had dinner the night before we talked with an ex girlfriend he hadn’t seen in years but kept as a friend on FB and occasionally talked about their friends and stuff. He said he was telling me that because he felt the need to confess it but to rest assured that nothing happened and that he walked away from the dinner and asked her to lose his # because seeing her made him realize how much pain she had caused him and he felt that same pain for me for walking away. He’s always suffered from depression and PTSD, army vet. Idk if his decision to all of sudden leave might of been caused by a sudden case of severe depression and doesn’t realize it. I sent him a text saying a loved him and cared for him but no reply.
What was the outcome of your situation? Did you keep in touch?
Hi I am new at this but I am hoping someone can relate and give me some suggestions how to handle this. Sorry it is long
My now ex and I were together for 3 years when roughly 6 months ago he started to experience a lot of stress with work, legal, financial, and death in his imitate family. For the first 2 months he would openly talk to me about everything that was happening when basically overnight things changed and he started to drink more and started to pull away from me, the more he pulled away the more I tried to hold on until eventually he ended the relationship which was 3 months ago.
Since ending the relationship it is becoming clearer that he has become depressed where he can’t sleep, feels tired all the time, has lost a lot of weight and is basically struggling everyday to keep on fighting.
Over the last 6 weeks he has been like a yoyo where he will start to pull me in close and open up to me about how he is feeling etc then he goes back to distancing himself again for a week or so.
He has admitted he is depressed however refuses to get professional help as he believes he should be able to handle this etc.
I love my ex and would do anything to have him back but I do get confused why he will pull me in close open up to me about how he has been feeling etc which usually last for 2-3 days then he starts to distance himself again being short towards me or just ignoring my attempts to contact him, during this time however he is able to still talk to his mates whom he has managed to hide his depression from so far. When he pulls away he always says he needs some headspace or time to himself, I can respect that but why is it that he will still be in contact with his mates during this time?
Is it common for someone who is depressed to do the push and pull action with you if they have ended the relationship?
Oh the reason he said he ended our relationship was because he felt pressured and just couldn’t commit to anything that encludes work etc, so the relationship was the one who had to go.
I also fear that he has made comments he doesn’t have the engery to keep on fighting which so far I have managed to find something to give him that energy but I do get scared especially as he is trying to hide it from everyone and I am trying to work out how to support him and let his family and friends know without breaking his trust especially considering at times he has made those comments though at this point I don’t believe he would do anything as he does still talk about future plans even if it is brief.
Anyone who can help me or give me some ideas would be greatly appreciated
Hi April,
So sorry to read your story as it sounds similar to mine so I can feel your pain. My partner of 3 years lost his daughter Paris aged 13 to suicide 5 months ago. As you can imagine it came as a huge shock to all of us. I also have a daughter aged 14 who lives with my partner and I so I have been extremely worried about both of them.
A couple of months ago, he has told me he needs space to deal with things so he moved in with his brother. I assumed this would be a temporary thing as he said he would see someone to help with his grief. We had just moved for him to start a great new job also so he said he needed to concentrate on just that. He has now moved out completely but won’t see me face to face as he says its too hard for him.
He has shut himself off from everything but work and still has not seen any one for help. I worry constantly about him and about or relationship. Its very hard to know when to let go.
Anyway the only advice I can give you (while also trying to make myself follow this) is to look after yourself. We need to take time out to spend of ourselves – have some sort of outlet. It might be exercise, a group activity or hobbie but something that you stick with. I have also been seeing a counsellor which seems to be helping as I can be open and honest about my feelings.
I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope that he will come back to our family. But until then I guess we need to just be there to listen and realise that we might not be able to ‘fix’ them but we can still be there if needed.
I wish you all the best xx
He’s going back and forth with you because you are the one he is opening up to. It’s easier for him to spend time with his friends because he puts on his mask and pretends the depression doesn’t exist so it doesn’t penetrate if that makes sense. This behaviour is very typical for a depressed person. I hope things have got a little better by now.
My story is a little long winded.
I have been with my partner for almost 10 years. We were (not legally) married 6 years ago. In April 2014 she was diagnosed with major depression and PTSD, after I discovered that she was planning to suicide.
She has since April been on antidepressants and in therapy.
The past few months have been a miraid of ups and downs, wants me around, doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, etc.
On Dec 10th, she told me that she fell out of love with me and rather than continuing the way we were, she felt that the best thing was to completely break up.
You see, a few months back, we came to the mutual decision that we should have some physical space between us (to live apart for a few months) so that she could sort out all the things she needs to. I agreed and thought that it was a good idea. So I attempted to stay at friends’ house 3 times. However, each time something happened at home or with the friends that I was staying with causing me to have to cancel to stay there. So I returned home. I told her that I did try and that she knew that I was trying.
So about a month later she said that the more she thought about it, the best was to completely break up as she didn’t feel that it was fair to leave me hanging when her recovery could take longer than a few months.
While I understood and saw her point, something didn’t feel right abou it.
The reason why I say that is because a few days prior to the break up she was saying things like “this is not about breaking up. If I wanted to break up with you I would have done that already and not string you along”. Also she started on a higher dose of medication just 6 days prior to breaking up with me.
So I am wondering how all these factors are related?
Like I said, we’ve been together for almost 10 years and we share such a strong connection that was evident. We felt like we were each others “person” and I still firmly believe that.
Now we are still living under the same roof, 2 separate rooms, because either of us can afford to move out, nor do we have anyone else to stay with.
Please help?!
Thank you so much for this, My beautiful partner of 6 months has left me due to a mental heath crisis. we had such a wonderful loving connected relationship, I really feel this man I would be spending the rest of my life with, the last few weeks he became withdrawn, distant. and sunday said he feels we need to separate. he came round last night, Crying and telling how hes been feeling. I cant believe I had missed the signs, He is lost he feels he cannot give me what i deserve and i should ‘trade him in’ he said he does not want to take be down with him he is trying to protect me from himself. He said he has had the most amazing 6 months with me never a row or a cross word, just so much love and connection, he said being with me has made him a better person but he feels he cannot cope with a relationship he can barely look after himself and his dog, he said if i meet someone and that went well i should go with that. He kept apologising for what hes putting me through. I said i do understand what he is saying, I do not want anyone else. I’m so sorry he is in such a dark place, he told me not to wait for him but he is going to get counselling but he feels he wont ever feel better again. I told him i will be here when he finds himself, and to come and find me however long that takes. He kept hugging and apologising. I have been depressed, I am also a psychotherapist. I don’t know how he personally feels but i understand the bleakness. I just trust when he finds himself he will once again find me. I love that man so much. I just wish him well on his journey and trust things will be okay in the end.
Hi, I am goingthrough something so simillar. I was with someone too good to be true. Amazing, chivalrous, smart, witty and just a beautiful human being. he really studied me and doted on me even though I never expect such treatment. He never would let me give him anything or do anything for him as though he knew that he did not want to get atached. It is almost like he knew that he would cycle and need to push away. everything was so great and one day he just shut down completely, started finding fault in me and looking for imperfections so that he could convince himself I have a bad side and he needs to get rid of me. but then later he would say he is sorry becuase he knows he is hurting me, especially because I really care about him. when I talk to him, he looks different, his face/expression looks like someone else and his voice sounds so different, his comments are almost like a teenager and suddenly, i went from going over his place every weeekend to being a “bother” to him.
This major shift took place overnight – I went from a loving/trusting feeling to being pushed away and not permitted to going over or being friends. I know its not him. The whole thing is like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde – there are split seconds that the real him peaks through but only every couple days and then the other side comes on strong and cuts me off. HOw can I stay in touch or connected without being a pest? I know he was still thinking becuase he did not want to give back my stuff for quite a while after the break up – He kept saying he will bring me my stuff and he kept if fir a while until I requested it all back. why would he hold my stuff for so long – he wouldnt give it back!
its almost like he knew when he got better he wanted to return it then.
we were together for 5 months but it went really fast and we told each other more that we have told anyone else. How can unobtrusively reach out/check in without pissing him off?
I asked hime if we could be friends and when he was in angry mode he stated he did not want to be my friend but then when he was in another frame of mind he said sure, I can talk to him sometime. The pushing and pulling makes me feel llike I want to stay close and in touch – its what and how I can be subtle that is challenging. Any advice on waysto reach out and talk to him and gain some trust?
Thank you very much!
Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this too, I don’t want to give you false hope but on Christmas eve my boyfriend called as he wanted to see me, I had left the door open for communication although he had completely shut me out for the 5 days prior to this and I told him i would give him the time he needs as I love him, but I must now move on with my life and start to heal, this does not mean i do not care. so his call xmas eve was completely unexpected, I really had started to accept he wouldn’t be coming back and his demons where bigger than he could deal with and a relationship.
He came to see me, he cried and told me what he had been going through and after a lot of talking he asked would I consider taking him back, its been a week and a bit now, he feels a huge amount of guilt for what he has put me though, he knows I do feel a little insecure now as hes left once before and in the back of my mind I ask will this happen again? He is also suffering PTSD which has come back into his life since his depression has appeared, he has serious nightmares of the event he went through many years back and is really not in a good way right now, watching him wake up from these dreams is so disturbing.
I have accepted my relationship will not be the same as it was a few months ago, there is a lot of trust I need to rebuild but I hold no resentment towards him, This isn’t his or my fault. I just wish i could take his pain away. I know he will get better but I have said to him that I will not suggest or push him to do anything, but I am here if he wants to talk or ask my thoughts on how he is feeling.
During the time apart all I did (apart from a huge amount of crying) was give him space, I went out with my friends, I cried, I just trusted he would be back one day but I would not ‘wait’, I honestly thought this would be in the summer time, maybe once he was feeling better again. I am so happy he is back, but its now the situation of how to support him while looking after myself on his journey to get well again. His words have matched his actions this last week, he has never been snappy/hurtful to me in anyway.
I have had to set my boundaries that if he did leave me again, I couldn’t take him back as it utterly devastated me when he left. I have said if he lets me down (without letting me know first) or treats me badly I also cannot be with him, but I accept he cannot be the boyfriend he wants to be for me right now (happy/out with our friends/100 per cent attentive although he has been so wonderful the last week despite how hes been feeling) I accept he needs his space at times as long as he communicates this to me first (not just dropping off the face of the earth) There is a lot of work and healing to do, and the adjustments of accepting a ‘new’ relationship with his limitations at the moment. My friends have been such a support and I have just started seeing a counsellor (my supervisor) to help me work though my own feelings about what has happened and how to move forward. All the best to you.
I just had a very similar situation happen to me. I had been dating a guy for about 10 weeks who was utterly amazing. He was sweet and kind and never let me pay for anything and always arranged really fun dates for us. We had funny things in common and seemed to have a mutual respect.
He was a gentleman. Oh yea and we had excellent chemistry. He traveled for work a few times over the last three months for five days at a time or so but we were constantly in touch everyday. I am a cautious person and guard my heart. He persued me and eventually began to almost make me feel like he cared deeply for me. Prior to Christmas I really let my guard down and felt myself starting to fall for him the way he was already seeming to fall for me. The weekend before Christmas was our best date/time yet.
I knew that he spent a great deal of time alone and that his dad had died two years ago, around the same time that he got out of a five-year relationship that ended badly.
He spent Christmas Day with his mother (it was a last resort after his brother couldn’t make it down). He hadn’t seen his mom in a year and a half but she lives locally… I do not know the dynamic of their relationship or how he truly thinks about her … but all I know is that he spent the day with her and was a completely different person by that evening. He has completely shut me out and asked for time. He told me he has “no support system” and said “please I just need time this will be good for me.” He also told me it is the best thing for us and that he has not had to deal with “this” in two years. I assumed he means feelings for a female. He did say something about people eventually disappointing each other and how he’s not a casual dater but someone who does relationships… Which made no sense seeing as he basically ended us at 3 months. He did say he was scared or something along those lines and that he didn’t want to stop seeing me but needs “time.” I really just thought that he was an introverted very strong person with a few close friends who threw himself into his job and was good at it. Now I am wondering if there is something much deeper going on, which there must be. Like the weekends he dosnt leave the house or his bed.
Like a typical woman I made the situation about me and thought he was dissing me or cutting things off. I did go to his house and get a few of my belongings which he seems surprised about but I did not know what else to do.
We consequently didnt spend NYE together or my
Birthday together which was hurtful. I am trying not to make this about me. I am very concerned for him and his own well being. We seemed on our way to a healthy full blown relationship until Christmas. I myself have my own issues with loss, anxiety and depression and it took me time/years to help myself which I still actively do. I am an only child and my mom died suddenly when I was 19. My dad is not existent. I have extended family and many close friends. I know if anyone could understand him or listen it would be me but he has shut me out. I feel like we were meant to meet. I hope there’s still hope for him and for us as partners. I am having a difficult time and it feels like another loss. I have yet to hear from him in 11 days. I don’t want to put my life or heart on hold but I also can’t walk away from something that still deserves attention.
Hi Sugarplum fairy,
I know it has been almost 6 years since this post, though our situations are so similar…
Did anything turn around for you?? How did your situation end up?
Hi, I am new to posting on anything like this but have been reading for a while. My husband of 7 years (together 16 years since she 16) left in June saying he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to give up on the possibility of having that spark in a relationship again. We have two children together (age 2 and 5). Last year my husbsnd was anxious, depressed and suicidal. It seemed to be over his job (director of his own company) and together we made the difficult decision for him to resign for the sake of his health and our family. I think we thought the tough times would be over, but they weren’t. He started freelance work and began withdrawing, whilst u carried on managing a stressful job as a lawyer and running the house, the children etc. Things weren’t particularly happy between us but I thought we were going through a rough patch. My husband has given very mixed messages about what the future holds since he left and has continued to have suicudal thoughts. He had 5 counselling sessions this summer and told me that his ‘issues’ we’re not really about our relationship but he didn’t know where that left us as he didn’t feel ‘in love’ and didn’t know if he could again. The ‘issues’ he talked about focussed on grief over his father who we lost 11 years ago. He has not been able to talk about his dad at all in those past 11 years. After his counselling stopped, he reverted to saying I caused his depression and anxiety by being a ‘very angry person’ and i had worn him down and we were over for good. He took of his wedding ring and started a friendship with another woman who ‘understands him’. Fast forward to now, and my husband has started therapy again (today) and has apologised and taken responsibility for his own anxiety. He feels the same about me (no love) but he now says that before he left he did feel in love with me some days but was very confused. Is there a chance that he will feel differently about me, or want to explore rebuilding our love, when he is feeling better?
Going to keep it short and sweet because i’ve been reading thousands of pages and posts on the subject. Been married for 10 years, wife decided last week she still loves me, but is not in love with me. She has periods of the day when she’s cold, but then others where she’ll walk up and just cuddle up to me like its another day. I know she’s had depression off and on throughout the years, but I never expected this until after it happened. Now I can’t convince her that she should try treatment even though a doctor diagnosed her. She says she just wants to leave, but she quit her job. I have a 5 year old daughter with her, and this whole thing has turned me so upside down I’M going to a doctor for antidepressants next week. I guess I just need to know if anyone thinks there’s anything I can do.
I would like to make a Facebook page where we can all talk and be supportive to one another.if anybody is interested let me know..
Am interested please because it will help alot of people
I created a facebook group for people to come to to talk to others .Someone messaged me here saying it would help.I think it will help.So please copy the sentence below and put it in the search box on facebook.You should come across the group .Its the only one on facebook.Message me here if you have any troubles..
https://www.facebook.com/groups/329045293933117/
There’s is a big rainbow with a quote fir the timeline picture for this group.
Amy
How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves?
Hi Amy,
The link to this facebook group is not working at my end. Is there any other way to join this group?
Thank you in advance,
Paola
I closed the group due to no activity. People were not sharin. I shared mine again. Only one person from here responded. I’m to busy with my life and children now.
Sorry
Hy, I recently stumble upon this post and was thinking to myself; “Ok we won’t let it come this far ever. We are stronger than that.” I was wrong. Four days ago it just happened. We had another stupid fight, a fight over cleaning the home, where she was upset that it wasn’t clean how she wanted it to be and she just left. I got a text message two days later saying that she doesn’t have the strength anymore to fight and making it work. She blamed me for everything and after I send her an e-mail that was reflecting what I was thinking and hoping and feeling she got even angrier.
The whole story starts 2 weeks before Christmas where her anxiety disorder, depersonalisation, panic disorder and depression kicked in like a tornado. She had some episodes in the past but they were driven by some events like the passing of her grandfather and the death of her dog whom she had for 15 years and raised when he was just a puppy. This episodes didn’t last long usually for a month or two and she was back again. But when it started this winter I was freaked out by the looks of it. I was scared and tried to do something. Eventually she went to a doctor and was prescribed medications. In about 3 weeks she was much better. But then her midterms came and she couldn’t concentrate enough because of her medication and stress so she asked her doctor to help her. He said she should stop taking medications if she feels better and see what will happen. . She went through a withdrawal phase was ok for a week and then crushed again. She called the doctor and told him that this didn’t work and he gave her a sets of new medications that should help her concentrate but in my opinion they just made her angrier and lost. She passed just one exam and was devastated because now she has to prepare 5 of them for the Fall. Than the issue with her tuition for university came. She wasn’t able to work because of her condition and I was relaying on money that I should have been given by my last employer so I could help her, but like always in life, when you need something as much, it never happens. I was called a monster and a liar for not being able to help her.
So four days ago it just happened. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t expecting that but I thought we would overcome it. We had some rough times, fights due to her condition, breakups that lasted for a day, less maybe, and because of that that I could always cope with everything that was happening, and it was expected from me that I understand it. We don’t have a supporting system here in my country very much you see. There are just 4 doctors that offer cognitive therapy and no one can get a date to go to treatment. And even if you do, your health insurance does not cover it, so for people who are students ore not swimming in cash its practically unreachable to get the needed treatment. Depression is not treated as a serious problem and there is no doctor that would help the couples or have time to devote to a depressed patient. So everything I learn about this I had to learn form internet and library. But nothing, library not the internet, not even comments of people who have overcome it, nothing of that could prepare me for what I experienced this half year.
The worst thing of it all is that she is now convinced that I was lying to her all the time and I was just keeping things from her because she said that she was not able to cope with, and I quote :” your shit as well”. I tried to protect her and now that seems to be a problem. Words like you were never there for me, you never helped me, you I hate, you make me worse, you. . . It kills me.
I have forsaken my friends, my colleagues, my family, even when I write this I told my parents I’m going abroad for couple of months so I don’t have to leave for weekends like I used to and stay with her all the time. I tried my best I think, but it clearly wasn’t good enough if she decided to leave me. I know she would now say ; “O God you are making it all about yourself now”, but I’m hurt, I’m depressed for months and she didn’t notice how hard I’m trying to keep me and her above the water. I didn’t have time to seek someone out for help so my whole world was dedicated to her. And still is. When I would have a bad day and it was so bad I couldn’t console it like usually and pretend I’m brilliant and she was partially ok she would lash out and jell why I destroy everything good and why every time she is ok I’m not and then drag her down again. It’s not that I plan that! And when I asked her why when she is ok and I’m not she doesn’t pick me up she sad that is because I transfer all the negative things to her and then she does not care anymore.
The thing that scared me more than everything else is that she told me she doesn’t not feel remorse. The drugs and depression numbed her and she knows that some things she does are not ok but can’t help herself. I never get to speak to her doctor who in my opinion is doing a bad work because he is a friend of her mothers and she can’t tell him a lot of things she could to an unbiased therapist. He’s switching her from one medication to another and once a moth talks to her for about a half an hour. Rivotril, Deprozel, to Aurorax and Rivotril. . . And so one. . Mixing up drugs where it stands in papers there should be a pause between taking them. I’m scared for her because she is talking about being fed up with everything and that nothing makes sense and that she can’t take it anymore and wants it all to end. Today she send me an SMS telling me to come over if I like.
I’m close to an end myself and I don’t know what to do any more. I started to feel angry at her, at myself, at her depression. . I don’t want to give up, not after three years of a relationship after everything good that happened after everything she did for me. I love her and I would do everything for her. Can someone please help us!
my husband and i have been together for 20 years …with out all the details leading up to his depression …he let our home foreclose and i did not know and he left…i never stopped emailing him or sending him messages i video taped messages and sent them day in and day out!!!!! to let him know he is not a bad man the dpepr4ession caused this to happen ..thank goodness i have trad much about this..i knew he loved me ..i knew if i did not give up it would sink in and it did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dont give up!!!! i am made it though depression fall out…we now have to put our lives back together job wise ect but we have each other and thats the most important thing there is!!! ……if i would of listened to ppl i never would be writing this…..thank GOODNESS i trust myself and my love i knew we shared……always listen to yourself always!
Hi Mel happy to read your post and I still have hope my boyfriend will come back to me thanks for your post it makes me to have hope
Thanks
I’m very new to this page.
I’m going through the worst time ever! After reading your message MEL, Im not going to lie. I cried. I’ve talked to so many people about my situation. I’ve been told to let go, move on and so on. My ex and I were together for 14 years, I’m 25…… So almost half my life. We were only with each other. We were engaged and talking about a baby.
He became depressed from work and had told me after the break up that more than likely he has PTSD.
He ended the relationship about 3 months ago. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming but non the less it’s painful. I don’t want to give up on hope. He fell out of love. He started dateing someone else right away. But is more down and almost suffering. We didn’t talk much after the break up but started to. Then…. We became close in many ways. Ways we shouldn’t have. Now the feelings are all over the place. He feels more comfortable and complete when we’re toegther. I won’t get into all of the details but this man is so important to me and I won’t give up. Although I know I can’t push for him to gain all those feelings back for me. I feel that once he becomes healthy again, that he will see things more clear. He’s told me he know that he loved me. He knows we were good toegther. But he couldn’t love me the way he wanted to. In a way I respect him for ending it when he did. I didn’t know what was happening. So I thoght the worst. Turns out I was wrong. I love him with everything I have. And I hope when he gets help with at maybe he can see we are great together. We give each other something you can’t just find. We complete eachother. Deep down I fee we will try again. After 14 years of growing up toegther and knowing everything about each other, I feel it’s not something to just walk away from.
Dear F,
About 5 years ago I fell in love with someone who was in a far distance relation with someone else. We where dating but she wasn’t sure what to do. After her relation finished she came back to me. And after about 6 months she started to live together. I came out of a divorce with a young child and a somehow special but problematic woman.
We – in the new situation – where pretty happy. But she had lots of critics on my ex because it took lots of time for me to not let her drawn including my child (financially etc). I made it to let her have counseling but still after 6 years it keeps me busy.
My GF is an international student trying getting a carrier in her field. Next year is her last and final year. Since 2 years ago (half way in living together) she started to pull out a bit more. No holidays together saying she needs all her time for study. Leaving me spending time with my daughter. Same for the weekends. It’s not really nice but I got used to it. Thinking it will come later. We also had fun in between and she spends some quality time together too. With me and with my now 7 years old girl too.
Last year was no easy year economically. I was also in hospital for a week one year ago. My GF visited me there but instead of total support she was aldo crying a lot she was so tired. Study, taking care etc. she failed some important auditions – competitions for a job in her field of study last year too. Recently my daughter got some problems in her school because of some strange teacher so it takes my attention. I went on a short holiday with my daughter but meanwhile my GF was getting more and more uncertain about herself, her study and future. 2 years ago. Until one year ago she use to say she’s happy. Last year till now she still says where her family and this is her home. But same amount if time she is saying she is unhappy. Doesn’t want a family. Wants to live on herself. Totally wants to focus on her study. Its her last year. Her last chance. She says. I’m having to much trouble (ex school daughter etc) she says so she can not focus. I’m actually recovering pretty good from hospital / illness. But I made myself more independent from her / GF because she seems sometimes bizarre in her behavior that I don’t want to drawn waiting for her. I see her more as a big child last weeks. But I love her a lot. She loves me too she says. She has sleeping problems from about she was failing the competitions. If you can not sleep you become depressed too. Says its not about me. So last night she was crying saying shes gonna leave this morning sleeping at a friend. She wants to be close to her university. Stop all her other activities (she had a nice succes full small creative hobby – business going on here that relaxes her in the past). So I’m laying here in another room reading a bit about depression on the internet passing by this sad stories of people going truth something with a depressed person. Don’t know if it’s good to try to hard. And tell her I will support her. Or should I? I need my energy for my daughter. I’m doing better alone than with my depressed GF actually. I was afraid not, but I took control of myself some weeks ago. And I feel better. Still have to take even more care of myself. I feel in all the stories here people writing giving away to much of themselves. Not getting back what the give. I think I will get up and talk with her and see if she really leaves. I hope not and that we can get truth. But how? Anyone had any advice what to do ? It’s pretty sad when you love someone. Take care people.
We recently had a baby in September 2013. During the pregnancy things were tuff. He was going back and forth with different jobs and I was terminated from my employer for being pregnant. This immediately put a strain on our relationship. Not to mention we didn’t plan this nor were we ready but he insisted things were going to be ok and to follow through with the pregnancy. I had a lot of health issues from depression I ended up going back to my mother and he went back to his. This killed us but it seemed right. We are 28 and 32 and just didn’t know what to do. He went through a great depression when I was 6 months. His phone was off, he wasn’t answering emails so I went over to his mother’s house. When I went in his room he was drunk and there were beer bottles everywhere. I thought I had encouraged him and things were going to get better but it didn’t I didn’t hear from him for 4 weeks. I didn’t see him until I went into labor at 7 months. When he showed all I could do is cry and ask why is he doing this. He said he was trying to get things together etc. After having the baby things were ok until December. He started drinking heavily again. February I moved into my sister’s home she said to stay and get on my feet. On Valentine’s Day he was arrested for DUI. I didn’t know where he was or anything because his phone was off. He finally reached me on f/b. That’s when he explained everything. He asked if he could borrow 400 dollars to pay his mom back because that was her mortgage money. I gave him a money order. He then lost his job for being arrested. I wanted to lift his spirits so I planned an extravagant birthday party for him in March. After the 16th of March I didn’t see him until March 28. His phone was off again and I had no idea where he could be. On the 28th I finally told him I had enough. I don’t know what going on and I was tired. We talked things out and he moved in with my sister and I on the 30th i f March. I knew he wasn’t comfortable but I did my best to try to make him so. We discussed our plans for moving out things were going great. We went on dates, we really just enjoyed each others company. Also he was a help to our son. His tags and license were expired during that time so I was willing to loan him the money to fix it. I ended up paying a 260 dollar suspension fee for him so he could figure out out how he was going to pay the rest. It never got done. On April 7th he was up at 7 am and he said he was going to get the “ball rolling ” so he could find a job and get his tags and license squared away. He said he’d be back that night and for me to call him when I got out my interview. He never came back. Again his phone was off. His mom couldn’t find him, His best friends couldn’t find him. This went on for 3 weeks. Finally I reached out to his brother because my boyfriend’s bf and I were going to put out a missing persons report. I had paid his phone bill and we were not getting an answer. His brother contacted us hours later saying he is depressed and he had a heart to heart with him. His bf and I still know nothing of this conversation. I started texting him and I finally got a response. He said he is tired of being a bum and things gotta get done. He stated I wouldn’t understand but when it’s all done I will understand. I begged and pled for him to come back. I asked why did he lie, I asked if I did something wrong, is it another woman what is it. He said I don’t want you to carry the load on your own and I don’t want you to do anything else for me. I told him I felt used betrayed and mislead. He replied used! Betrayed! I tell u my plans and that’s all you can say. This went on and on. I have said I love you, I miss you, let me help and even asked what can I do to help and he replied just let me get through this…no pressure just let me get things on track. His phone is off again and it’s May 20 2014. All I do now is pray because I don’t know what else to do. He said he knows he makes bad decisions at times but this time he is doing the right thing for the kids we both have 1 child from prior relationships. He said he wants to get help because too much has happened and a man is suppose to provide for his family. Its killing me. I don’t speak on it because I don’t want anyone to know I’m hurting but this is killing me day by day. There is nothing I can do at this point. All I want is for us to be a family again like he always said we were.
Oh my dear girl..ibhave been thtough the exact thing…My husband said he was going to work and never returned…i havent heard from him in 5 weeks…made a missing persons report…they finally found him…he just didnt wantvto b married any more but i guess didnt think i needed to know!!!…I also found out he was using dtugs ….so he would disapear all the time..but blame me somehow and cause a fight so he could leave….this is exhausting…and to b abandoned is such torment….please find the courage to run…and dont look back…nothing good will come of this life for you…dont b like me 50 years old thrown out like a used dish rag….run!!!
Im 24 years old my wife is 22 we got married a year and a half ago we had our share of issues like every married couple does she we got prego and were happy but about 3 months after my son was born she went to live with her family and took my son with saying she wants a divorce and telling me confuseing things like she should care but doesnt is this depression? shes been gone for 3 months and i havent gotten any divorce papers yet she wont talk to me either last thing she said to me was happy birthday and thats it she has me blocked on facebook but talks to me on another account for some reason id appreciate an email because i love my family very much she jus acts like she hates me but says she doesnt im jus confused please help!
Don’t assume the worst but be prepared for anything. 3 months is a long time. Don’t put yourself on hold too long. I honestly would say if she doesn’t come around after 8 months to a year depending on you. If she is not trying to reconcile then you have to let it go. It is hard being without the person you love but you deserve to be loved in return. Do everything possible to save your marriage so you can say you tried.
Well said.you are so right.you tried.
I am 40 years old, was married for over 20 years and recently separated with my wife, I have a son who is 12. We just drifted apart after all that time together. I moved out a year ago and started seeing a woman I met online, she is younger at 35, a single mother of 2 kiddies under 10.. we have been together off and on (having a break twice for short periods over the last 12 months). she has her kids 1 week out of two sharing custody with her ex. She saw her ex as the love of her life, big, tall muscly but their separation involved her being bashed one night and she left, that was 2 years ago. she still loves him and has told me that, she has been recently divorced from him which was a hugely emotional day for her….i think she is not ready for a real relationship as she loves her space and freedom, she has been known to have been a bit wild and changed a lot since her seperation and divorce… her father left her when she was very little and she suffers from huge self esteem issues.. physical appearance is a huge thing for her.. shes not touchy feely like me and doesnt show affection except to her kids as a mother does… weve had our fair share of discussions around her inability to show affection towards me and she says she has shut off since her ex, she is very adventurous in regards to sex… but afterwards there is no intimacy, no cuddling etc… its like a barrier comes up and she doesnt want to be touched.. just recently she has been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance with regards to copper toxicity which has an effect on moods… one minute she loves me the next she hates me and wants to be left alone… she has loads of friends and is very social, but lately has been a bit of a hermit… i am very good to her and her kids and treat them very well, paying for medication for her to get better, helping with the kids… she has this idea of a perfect man with my personality traits but in a bigger more muscly body… she says she loves me and doenst want to lose me from her life but wow does she treat me like shit… all my friends say to dump her i deserve better but i know she does have a big heart and can be loving and is… but her self esteem is so low currently, single mother, no job prospects, living without her kids and now the chemical imbalance… I think when shes good shes really good but shes been off the rails alot lately… i seriously think she has a major problem but doesnt want to recognise it or deal with it and i am the scapegoat on everything… i mean everything… im too available, im not available enough, i text back too quick, not quick enough, ive got a good heart but im not tal enough or muscly enough… blah blah blah… i am now seeing someone as i think i am suffering depression because of her…. can anyone help me to advise how i get through this? i know i should leave her but i would just be another person in her life who has left when things got tough and im not that person, i am also not sure how much more of this treatment i can handle…
thanks for the support guys and gals….
Watch out…this type of girl will leave u as soon as she finds Mr.Muscles….I know my sister has been married 9 times and always finds a new improved muscle man…and when it doesnt go good with them she will come crying back to you!!…RUN!
The more I think about my story the more I realize that my ex must have some sort of mental illness or depression because nothing seems to make sense about his leaving. I was 8 months pregnant when he left me. The baby is 3 weeks old and he hasn’t called or checked in to see how his kid is. This was from a man who use to write me love letters, tell me I was beautiful and use to daydream about our unborn son with me together.
The baby came as a bit of a surprise, we hadn’t been together very long and we both didn’t have full time jobs. Also out age difference is about 14 years I am his senior, but it never seemed to effect our ability to relate to each each, I am very young at heart and don’t look my age. He is quite mature for his and was, in my mind, quite a remarkable young man. I hadn’t been with anybody for a long time before I met him and he knew that when we started sleeping with each other. It was part of what he said he liked about me. That I was “clean”. Anyway, I thought we were very loving and supportive of each other. There were a few instances where he would say he would do something and then not follow through with it, but I chalked it up to him just having a change of heart and I thought that being in a relationship was not being so rigid and having flexibility with other people so I let it slide when I found out I was pregnant, love would conquer all right? When I told him I was pregnant he had just come home from a business trip. It was calculated that I was around 4 weeks pregnant which would have meant we conceived in the week before he left. The night he returned from abroad he invited me over to his place and I told him the news. He was surprised but happy, we talked about how beautiful and athletic our child would be. The next day he came over to my place in a panic and told me that he had thought about it and thought that I should have an abortion. I told him he needed to leave and that his energy was really bad for me.
I took a long good time to think about what I was going to do and wrote him a note that said I was going to keep the baby. After a few weeks we came together again and talked about my decision. I was angry with him but I knew that he needed to step up or step out. He said that the letter I wrote him made him want to be a father and from that point forward things started to work out well. We moved in together, got steady jobs, met each other’s families and started to plan for our little one. I forgot to mention that we came from very different upbringing. My folks have been together for 50 years and his folks don’t/didn’t speak to each other for years and are both single. I never thought that would be a factor but the more I come to understand how where we come from influences our behaviour the more I see it as an influence. The months passed and things were good. I saw this man as very loving and gentle and excited for the coming of his son. So did my folks, the ladies at the grocery store the doctors at my prenatal appointments….everyone. Things shifted one night when I was irritated and upset. My hormones had been getting the best of me lately, I was not sleeping much at night and the whole pregnancy thing was beginning to get to me at 7 or so months along. He didn’t call after work one night and it was a cocktail for disaster when all I needed was a hug and kiss and a sense that the sky was not going to fall on top of me. He ended up turning off his phone and not coming home that night. I was livid. I took a few of his belongings and packed them up, I thought that if he was to spend a few days away from me, he would realize how good he had it with me and he would come back to me with a new attitude. That backfired, the whole thing escalated and he didn’t come back for two weeks. When we did he told me that he didn’t love me the way he thought he did and that he wanted to take a step back. I was devastated. We started living together again with a new outlook on or relationship. I didn’t take it for granted that he was around and asked him if he still wanted to be living with me. He said yes and we talked about rebuilding the trust that was lost when I sent him packing. I told him it wasn’t that I was kicking him out for good but that I needed some space in addition to not wanting to be made to feel he didn’t care by the way he just shut me out that night. It seemed like we had had out first real big misunderstanding and that we got through it with a real sense about learning about one another. I saw it as a growing pain.
Then it happened. One night after a nice meal he told me something about that happened that day. He had lied to me about where he was that afternoon. I didn’t much care about what he did but I told him that I was disappointed that he lied to me and I asked him why he felt the need to lie after he and I talked so much about rebuilding our foundation of trust. I went to bed “disappointed”. The next day he did a flip on me telling me that he was suicidal and that it was not my “business” then he bolted. He said that he wanted to be with other woman, that I treated him like “a dog” and that I was crazy. He had a meltdown right in front of me.
I texted him for days after that asking him if he was ok and telling him that I loved him and providing support anyway I could. I was 8 months pregnant at this point, surely he would come around.
After a near miscarriage 911 call one night where he did not call me back to see how I was doing, it began to sink in. He doesn’t care about this baby or I anymore. I tried to keep him abreast of the medical situation surrounding his child and to invite him to the birth but all I got back was a denial of paternity and words of aggression and anger from him and his parents.
He won’t see me and he hasn’t inquired about his son. There are more sad details about his response but it’s not important, I think if I was to say that I think he is depressed or going through some sort of mental breakdown that this is my way of dealing with all the hurt surrounding this ordeal. Other people say he is just really immature, others that he is trying to get out of paying child support.
I just miss my lover and friend. I feel so guilty that my son has no father now and that the man that I thought I could trust is so angry and aggressive towards me. He’s done a complete 180 degree flip and won’t even talk to me. Is he depressed?
I’m not sure if my situation falls into this category or even if there is any hope but I thought I would post to see if anyone has any thoughts. My ex partner and I had been together for over 4 years, and last year had been planning on buying a house together and starting a family – we were very happy together. About 9 months ago it became apparent that my partner’s father had mental health issues. It was a very difficult time for him just to get a diagnosis, it is Alzheimers. At this time I knew my partner was struggling with the situation, but he kept pushing me away saying he was fine. Two months later he lost his job, whereby his confidence hit an all time low and over the next few months we became more disconnected. He didn’t even really attempt to find a new job and he was trying to get care for his dad – he is an only child and his parents are divorced and so it was his sole responsibility – he wouldn’t let me help. Work was very busy for me, and he just wanted to spend the evenings with his friends. In January, my partner blindsided me and ended our relationship coming out with all sorts of ridiculous reasons that we should split up, he seemed so unhappy but was convinced that life would be better without me. I kept trying to help him, calling, texting etc but he kept saying I should leave him alone. In March it seems that things became worse, I found out that he had been having an affair with his friend’s wife for the last four months of our relationship, and telling me that he is in love with her,that he hasn’t loved me for a long time and that I am never to contact him again – he blocked me on Facebook, blocked my number and blocked my email, the only way I can communicate with him is via his friend. He has even created these bad things about our relationship which just didn’t exist, but he seems to believe they did. He is still seeing this woman, even though she is still with her husband. I would expose the affair, but she has two young children, and I don’t want to be the one to ruin their lives. My ex used to stand up for everything that he believed in, but he just seems to be a doormat where she is concerned and does everything that she tells him – I don’t think she has any intention of leaving her husband. She has also blocked me on Facebook and so has her husband. We have two cats who he adored and his words were “they’re your cats now, they’re nothing to do with me.” He is also drinking a lot, which is out of character as he would normally only drink now and then. This whole situation has left me devastated, as well as my family and friends. They are all so worried about him, thinking that he is depressed. He is one of the kindest people I have ever met and cared so much for me, he would go out for his way to help other people. He had so much ambition and drive, and it just seems to have to disappeared – he still doesn’t have a job, and doesn’t seem to be trying hard to get one, he is living with his mum who is finding him difficult to live with and as far has I know spent most of the money that he had saved for a deposit on a house. He is a shadow of the person, that I know. I realise that some of this is down to guilt, but this self destruction started prior to this affair. Only my family and friends, and his best friend know about the affair, I am certain that if his friends knew what he was doing they wouldn’t be so friendly towards him. I have done nothing but support and love him whilst we were together, and I want nothing more than to help him now, but he doesn’t think that he has a problem and is being nothing but horrible to me and as I said completely cut me off. He is making out that he is so happy and better off without me. I am unable to stand by and watch him destroy his life, and so I have taken the decision to move away, at least for a few months as I need time to clear my own head as I am starting to feel very low myself. I don’t condone what he has done, but he is a completely different person to the person that I was in a relationship with and I have the same fears as my family that this is depression. I still love him very much and really want to help him. I’m not even looking for a reconciliation at this time, it is his well being that I am more concerned about. I just don’t know what to do, and it is playing on my mind all the time. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
You will find a lot of support at the site , it’s helped me a lot.
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/directory
I dont know whether this is a place to tell my story but i really need to know how to deal with my husband, who left us but i seriously thinking he is suffering from depression.
I have had the most devastating experience of my life around 2 weeks back. My husband of 10 years left me and my two toddlers for a life of promiscuousity and alcohol and fun. We have been married for 10 years and prior to that we dated for around 4 years. We were madly in love with each other. He was always a bit aloof and he had control issues in that he always reacted even if he felt remotely controlled by anyone and his idea of “control” was very wide. Even “Why do u have to go to that party? Why cant we hang out by ourselves?” requests made him feel controlled and he would retaliate by partying even harder. I knew about these so I tried to give him as much freedom as possible; not even complaining when he took trips abroad with friends or acquaintances and without me. He was always a workaholic and seemed to excel in his work but he had a tendency of losing interest in a particular set of work within a span of 2-3 yrs. But we loved each other madly. The first time i felt he was changing was after the birth of our first child 4 years back. My husband decided to quit job and start his own consultancy work. This new venture, finances, the pressure of looking after a little baby, everything together drifted us apart a bit. The more i tried to be supportive and helpful, the more i felt he was imposing on me. Ofcourse, there were times when i lost it and said stuff. Things went really sour when our second child was born 1.5 yrs back. Right after her birth, my husband had a heart attack, albeit a minor one. He is only 37. After that, he became really irritable. Everything we (me and his mother) did irritated him. He tried to do everything we told him not to do. Ate fatty food, became an alcoholic, started smoking like a chimney; and he continuously blamed us for trying to control him. He increasingly came home late, mostly after midnight, drunk most nights. He even started partying hard and having affairs with other women. I tried to pursuade him to atleast be good for the sake of the children but that seemed to have the opposite effect. Then almost 3 months back, he told me clearly that he is sleeping around with other women and he feels suffocated by family bindings. He doesnt even want to stop sleeping with other women because he doesnt find me attractive. Despite this, i wanted to try and save our marriage for the sake of the two little children. However, 2 weeks back, he just came home, told me he feels very suffocated by family and just left us. He even cut of all contacts with his parents and all family members. I know he is now living alone and partying hard with booze, drugs and lots of fooling around and he says he feels free. But somehow I feel he is suffering from depression. He used to be a very loving and caring person. We have been together for almost 14 years and other than the last 1.5 years, he never seemed to hate me. His family also seems to be at a loss because he was never this type. I dont know how to get him to understand this or even how to convince him to seek help because whatever I say just makes him angrier at me. But I somehow feel he badly needs psychiatric help. I would be grateful for any suggestion.
I am very aware of the ripples that depression can cause in a relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for around nine months, five in which the depression spell has heavily impacted our relationship. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I have been in this situation. After all the time I spent trying to be supportive but also making sure not to enable the healing process, I always end up realizing that having space is key. It seems that majority of people who suffer from this crippling disease, will usually end up pushing their partner away, leaving their supportive partner devastated. While taking space might seem drastic and selfish, is it not. You want to prevent feeling any negatives emotions towards them at all costs. The number thing to remember here, is you have to look out for yourself and your best interests. I am a firm believer that time heals everything and can make a world of difference in any situation. Be strong and stay confident in your decision.
This is so helpful thank you Cameron! My ex partner is currently struggling with depression and has gone from us being in love and him telling me he loves me so much to ”I can’t be in a relationship’ and saying ‘i love you but not as much as I used to’it is so hard and confusing as we work so well, but we have both be under a tremendous amount of stress lately. It seems the only thing he can actually control in his life is the relationship, so of course it was the first thing to go. I am trying so hard to give him his space and trying to focus on me getting through this, but all I want to do is support him through this tough time but I am scared that me offering help will only push him further away. Do I leave him alone or send a kind text every now and again?
My boyfriend of 6 years almost left me almost 3 weeks ago.Actually on Wed the 23rd makes 3 weeks. Anyways we just separated for 6 months .I rented a house on the other part of the city we live in.At first we kept our distance from eachother.But after a few weeks we were back in eachothers lives. He would stay every Sunday and a a few days during the week. So i moved back into his house with him recently .Well not even 3 weeks into me being here he started acting cold and not wanting to be intimate or affectionate.He started making excuses again and sleeping in his chair.I got so angry one night that i tossed the remote at his bestfriend the tv. This was after he said you moved yourself back in.In other words he didn’t want us back he was implying.I totally lost my cool because he went back to watching tv instead of trying to settle the argument. So he left that night with the police asstisting .He woke my kids up yelling at me too.So i called the police to help see him out. By the way he started packing after i broke his tv.So after that he finally came by that Sat.He tells me he had gone through some horrid events in his childhood sexual etc. And apparently they happened in the house we lived in.So now he was not sure what he wanted. He said to many triggers here between me and the house . Since that night he rarley returns an email.He doesnt have a cell phone .So i have to email him .He stays at his parents house where there is a home phone.Yet he doesnt want them involved he says so he told me to get him a phone>?My friends said no if he wants to contact you he can get one.After all cheap pay as you go or contract phones are everywhere these days right?So i didnt get him a phone.So another week went by with only one short response to an email i had sent him.He then comes over and sits down but not looking me in the face much.He acted like i might hurt him or something.He said he was having a breakdown.Which he claimed the last time he stopped over.So we sat and talked about the awful things he had gone through and the age of the incident etc. He knew i too had been hurt as a child many times. I told him he needed to be strong.I then asked him how he was feeling at one point.He replied saying he was having bad thoughts .I asked what these thoughts were?He said i feel like kicking a cat sometimes. I told him theres a big difference between thinking of it and doing it in reality.He was about to tell me more but then my daughter came downstairs . Also i took his house key on the first night because i was scared of him a little. The cops told me i could but he could legally break in too. Since then hes refused a key to his own house.He told me he wants me to feel safe. Which kinda gives me a uncomfortable feeling.He also wont get on meds and his parents are very relgious and controlling. He tells me he wont throw me and kids out but i live in fear of it daily.I just dont have the energy to move again right now. My oldest son of 20 is having a breakdown too because he was very attached to my boyfriend. My son operates mentally like a 10 to 12 year old most of the time.We are in the process of his ssi case . My other 2 kids are younger and one is angry and confused. My other child a girl of 16 is trying her hardest to help more around the house.Its been a tough few years with the kids dad passing , and then my mom 2 months later.My boyfriend knows this and he says we can stay here .He states he would never throw us out.He says that he doesn’t know if and when he will come back.He says this is hard on me too .He said i couldn’t sleep at night not knowing you and kids were ok and had a decent home or place to live,In fact he said i would not ever throw you and kids out.i couldn’t live with myself …My friends in family say stay for now because i cant afford to be on my own just yet.My oldest boy needs supervision because he has accidents and forgets the simplest things.He needs 24.7 supervision or something could happen.My x or whatever he is says he knows this and that is why he will let us stay.Again he says things like why do you want someone like me im no good?
He just turned 43 this month .In fact our fight took place a few days after his birthday.I am so lost please anybody out there with advice? I would love to email others or talk here for support.
What should i do ? Wait it out for now? Im in his house and my kids schools are here etc. Im at my wits end ..
p.s. he said he doesnt know if he can ever be sexual again with me due to past abuse from many years ago.I dont understand this because bad things happened to me as a kid .Yet i still want to love and show love etc.? Is this deprrsssion or is he using his past to dump me? I just dont know what to think. I told him toi see a dr but he says no i dont like doctors. He says he cant be fixed too..
Lost in Chicago
Susan
I am also going through this really tough situation. Me and My wife thats weve ben married had our ups and downs but the thing is my mother and father in law. You see when I first met her she was really depresed due to her parents, they hit her and she had no choice but to leave with her ex but she wasnt.happy and she came.back to live with her parents she was cutting herself due to this but I talked her out of it got her happy and in love with me and Im really happy. But the thing is she lives in mexico and I live in Usa and im fixing her papers we have about 4 more months so we can be together good I go from time to time she gets sad when I leave but I talk to her and get her to fel better. But receantly we found out my father.in law is cheating and they are always arguing and my wife is tired of this and she warned me if they dont change in 3 weeks shes leaving far away for nobady to see her. Im recantly working and I dont want to loose the immigration just because its atressful there where she is. I told her if its necesary I need to go to talk to them and show her I care I love being with her id live overthere but I see there is no future due to econimic things I want her to come to the US so she can see and make her have a better future for us. She recently told me she dont care anymore about me she ignores when I call I get frustrated but I let her know shes not alone and she cant leave because if she does ill be there But I just dont want to loose the papers almost a yr. Like this and everything was well just recently about her parents they argue and shes tired of it just wants to leave Everything and start a new life.I told her a couple more months we can be together With a new life just her and me. I need help trying to decide what to do? Im thinking of going for a week and talk to them and be there and show her I care and Love her. Sorry if my english isnt well
I am really confused, my boyfriend and I had been dating for almost two years and while we had out ups and downs everything seemed to be going fine. When I first met him I was in the early stages of receiving therapy for some self esteem and anxiety issues but he was very supportive and understanding. He has a very stressful job and issues of his own that have led to him attending counselling recently however despite all this he continued to remain an affectionate and caring boyfriend.
A few months ago he became concerned about not knowing what our future would be stating at times he could see a future with me and at other times he could not. Maybe I was naive but seeing things in the long term can prove challenging for me as I often doubt things will work out and as such I reassured him that nobody knows their future for definite and that all I asked was that he was with me because he wanted to be right now, that the future will work out if it is meant to be – after this our relationship returned to normal and we continued to spend time together, it genuinely felt like his initial concerns were caused by a friend telling him he should just know if we had a future or not. He continually told me he loved me and acted affectionately towards me.
A few days ago however he told me that we are over. This breakup took me by surprise as earlier that day we were making plans for seeing each other the following week. He told me he doesn’t know who he is and wants a clean slate, that he cannot see any kind of a future not just for us for for himself and does not want to waste my time. He acts like he does not deserve happiness but he is a genuinely loving and caring person who deserve to be happy.
I am very worried about him and accept that he might just no longer love me, but I cannot stop worrying about him. I wish there was someway of him understanding the person I saw in him rather than the negative view he has of himself.
I started seeing the most amazing man last May. We found each other after both having gone through so much.The more time we spent together, the more it became obvious that this was ‘it’. Fast forward to 1 month ago. Things were still wonderful. His father, who’d had really bad health, became even sicker. “J” had to go to him. “J” had a very long history of abandonment, resentment, etc. with his father, so this was not easy for him. Having a 21 year old son himself, he really wanted to set the right example. Anyway, he fled to his dad’s state to be by his side, and he passed away 1 week later. He really wanted me to go with him to the funeral, and to be with him for support. I did. That’s what you do. Needless to say, there were a lot of feelings coming up that he didn’t expect. A lot of anger, a lot of sadness, etc. We got back home, it was Christmas – another stressful time in its own. I noticed him getting a little more distant in this time, and I completely understand that considering what he’s going through. 2 days ago I volunteered to not come over to his place, to give him space, and he told me that we needed to “talk”. He didn’t feel that his love for me was as strong for me as my love for him. OMG. I’m devastated. I know this probably has a LOT to do with him grieving and not being able to handle any other emotion at the moment. When I asked him when he’d started feeling ‘not as ‘in love’ as me’, he gave me a very specific time of 4-5 weeks, as opposed to a wishy washy response. This is basically the time he started dealing with his dad. He said he’s very sorry, he wish it could have worked out, but he feels that my feelings for him (just in the last few weeks) were much stronger than those he felt. need some hugs. I need some advice. I need some help.
Just take care of yourself. Be strong. Get on with living. Hope that he gets better but continue taking care of yourself. All you can control is your self. Good luck. Lots of hugs.
Thanks. I need all the help and support I can get right now. I do hope he comes around. Is there anything I can say to him at all? (If he does for some miraculous reason come in contact?
He’s trying to push u away because he doesn’t want to feel an emotional attachment. Maybe it’s because he us afraid of losing you so it’s best if he gets rid of you. I personally don’t feel he means it. I say give him a little space but check on him here and there. I hope it works out.
Hello, I’m really desperate here. Any help would be priceless. I’m 23. I met my 23 Finnish girlfriend in a uni exchange. She had a 4-year-relationship with a guy but we kissed and started dating. Basically she cheated on him. She returned home for Christmas and I was sure they’d break up but apparently they didnt. She told me she wanted to take it easy cause her ex was suicidal. I was quite inexperienced and anxious and 5 weeks after starting sleeping with her one night she returned to Finland I couldnt take it and I tried to sleep with another girl. I told her everything, that I was sure that situation would ruin me eventually since I loved her and that was the best ending for the thing, but she told me that if I wanted to be with her she would accelerate the process and we would be together. After 8 months she returned home finally, maintaining a long distance relationship , but after meeting a couple times she was diagnosed with depression and the cheating thing began to conquer our conversations and dynamics. she was feeling guilty about her part regarding her exboyfriend (she hadn’t told him anything) and uneasy regarding me. Besides. Stress and distance made me untrusting at the same time regarding her exboyfriend and I didnt see properly how bad her illness was. mistreating her like a healthy person. Finally two weeks ago she dumped me in 10 messages, telling me she has never loved me and I have ruined her life. Sincerely, now. I wake up in the middle of the night and i panick and it feels like dying. I love her so much and I feel so guilty I can’t be with myself. Some piece of advice would be incredibly well received. Thank you very much in advance
This is a mess. Your relationship started with lies, distance, and using other people. Learn to not handle rejection by using another person first. It’s insecure. It’s mean to the girl you used. It also destroys your character. On top of this now you have depression to deal with. You’re young. Run. Start over. This is drama and doomed. Be on your own and be okay with it. Any relationship started on this foundation and then add the depression to it is doomed. Some of us have had children and decades of happy years with our depressed partners and the depression still won. That’s my advice. Simply, grow up , get some help with how you handle fear and rejection and move on. When you love yourself and honor that first and live your life the best you can then you’ll find a woman worth the chance. Make her earn it rather than just giving your heart to a woman you haven’t built a foundation of love and respect with. And then you won’t be on a board such as this at the age of 23. Go find yourself. She’s trouble. Not what you wanted to hear but it’s my take from experience.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. He has always been depressed and has been on medication. Life has never been enjoyable for him. We recently relocated and he started acting very different…enough for me to count his pills to make sure he was still on his medication. One night we were watching television and the next day he came home and said he wanted to go live in a box. He came home the same day crying and said he couldn’t leave and I accepted it and made him feel better so he would not have to deal with the shame. The next day he moved out….I am trying to be civil but I don’t think I could ever take him back.
Did you take him back ?
Hey, Just wanted to give an update on my situation. My now exgf of 6years has been suffering since about March/April well thats when i noticed the symptoms. Broke up with end of May via text and has avoided me and emotionally withdrawn. I did all i could to try and get her to see something was wrong this wasn’t her this cold and uncaring person who frankly didn’t give a crap about me or my feelings. 1st month blame it was all my fault i lost nearly 2stone nothing made sense. 2nd month she told me it wasn’t anything i did she didn’t feel happy thought it was a phase and would pass it didn’t. I would text email she would ignore everything. So i cut contact for the 3rd and 4th month as advised here i took a step back. I sent her a bd card in Oct she thanked me for it. A few weeks later she seem panicked worrying about my nephews bd he was 3 would i give him her best. She hasn’t once asked how i am yet shes worried about my nephew who shes left be-hide with the rest of my family who adored her. 21st of Oct i send her flowers its her mother anniversary 6 years shes been gone. Also sent a letter stating how i know how her mothers death has effected her and i was always her for her, flowers showing my respect letter showing i cared. That night i got a very flat response (thanks 4 flowers sorry) then found myself blocked on FB and Twitter.
I have recently learned she is drinking alot. She didn’t like to drink as her mother was an alcoholic the reason she died. And also shes dabbling in drugs and wait for it…and is seeing someone else. So im at the end i did all i could i was waiting to see if there was gonna be a change but obviously her depression is worse than i thought. She could have told me she was seeing someone take some accountability for the damage shes done to me. I get a better emotional response off a cold wind. I know 5 months is early days shes filling that gap and still cant look inside for her pain. But all at the cost of destroying me. Shes showed me no love or respect its not time to show that to myself. Ill leave her alone now but will always have love in my heart for her. And i know this isn’t her and she wont see the damage shes done until shes out the dark. This fake projection of how happy she is now i cant stand i know it wont last. Yet im left helpless the same way i started.
Hey all. Here I am sat reading all of your comments and thinking wow I am going through the exact same thing.
Last year my ex moved out of out house said she didn’t like where we lived and wanted to be closer to friends. I was upset at first as I had changed my whole house and spent a fortune to welcome her in my home to make her feel that it was also hers. This caused arguments, but she also has issues if me cheating etc (by the way I haven’t nor would I) so she left and went into counselling as she had issues with driving her car etcand felt she wanted to kill herself. She is taking tablets for the depression it says she feels she needs her dose upping.
I offered my support and told her I will be there for her. She told me that she needed space which I have her, and the. Out of the blue she said she wanted us no more. I fought for her to change her mind and she did. I took her away on little trips had good times to keep her positive, took her to her favorite restaurant and she was so loving towards me kissing, cuddling etc. Then suddenly last week out of the blue again she said were done, she doesn’t want to see me no more and feels that she is pressured. Before all this I used to say to her I would hate if she left me and she used to get upset by saying don’t be silly I will never leave you.
I’m totally heart broken and have no idea what to do.
All I keep reading is that the depression is making her do this… Now she won’t reply to my texts nothing… I am so confused. I love her to bits and would never ever cheat in her I adore her more than anything.
She is in real bad debt problems, for which I have been paying off for her to get her out the shit. Everyone I speak to keeps telling me that she needs to appreciate what I’m doing. What I can’t understand is why everyone else can see it but she can’t?
Any help or answers would be magic
It’s a cruel disease our loved ones have as it destroys so many lives. It’s 11 mths now since my husband left and despite telling me in Aug to hang on, our relationship has hope we are now only talking via txts when we have to. He refuses to talk to me and tho I know it’s his illness it makes me angry he is off doing what he wants while we struggle as his family. I’m trying hard to move forward and a little of me is back with the help of anti depressants. They unfortunately have no concept of the pain they are causing because they are in so much pain they can’t think beyond themselves and until the medication and or they get help they will continue to behave like this till it becomes the norm for them as it is with my husband. He contacted his daughter last night after 2 mths of silence, asked how she was and his granddaughter then his txt was all about him, this shows me he is no better when he can’t carry a proper convo with his daughter also shows me I can’t sit around and wait for him cause it’s not going to happen. You may have to make this decision for yourself as well and she can’t appreciate what u are doing for her as she has no feelings in anything. I have paid all my husbands bills for 10 mths now have had no thanks just expectations I’m slowly handing them on to him but no appreciation for what I have done. Have u sought help for yourself? Going to my Dr has been the best thing Iv done he put it all into perspective for me and I didn’t want to go down the same path as my husband.
Hi Denise.
It all makes no sense to me and I read so many people going through the same thing it puts hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she will see through the other side and realise I am there for her and her best friend. I am paying her debts off and the same way as you getting no recognition of the help and support I am offering. I’m just getting shut out and told to leave alone. I have debt collectors coming to the house I own to pay off her debt which I do with my own hard earned cash. She has stolen money from me, which I didn’t go mad about. But she doesn’t tell me what it is for. I am really at my wits end. I don’t want to let go as I love her so much and don’t want to fail her as a partner or as a friend. It destroys me even thinking of her being with someone else or even me for that matter. I don’t think the pills do any good. I’ve read about them and they just cause a numbness to the brain I feel. The loss of dopamine in the brain because of the pills is truly destructive. She used to be so loving. Now she is someone I don’t recognise and I feel sad to see her like this.
I’m just hoping. I’ve suggested we both go to counselling but she just snaps at me. There is no reasoning. I couldn’t imagine ever treating anybody like this it’s soul destroying.
Alright mate, i see your story and brakes my heart this is happening more and more. I can relate my gf left out the blue wouldn’t talk to me ignored my texts has been someone i dont know uncaring selfish. I know shes in pain yet she wont admit to it. She contacted me 3 weeks ago worrying about my nephews BD seem to worry because i didn’t response right away. I sent her flowers on the 22nd oct for her mothers anniversary with an lovely understand letter a dawning and a poem. Things a healthy person would really like. I got (thanks 4 flowers sorry x) I did two months confused as hell, then two months no contact till i heard from her as said above. Now i find im blocked on FB and twitter again. its the hardest thing to deal with when they wont reason or be rational i dont want to give up but it is soul destroying.
Denise im sorry its still dragging on its torture and so unfair on us all here.
Hey Carl
It’s horrible. I have offered her help, support you name it I’ve tried. Now all I get is leave me alone, or I don’t want up be with you..
I don’t think she realises what she’s leaving behind. I have a Labrador who she loved to pieces. The other day her words were I don’t care about the dog no more. No way would she say that and yet she still can’t see she is sick??
I really don’t want to lose her with this illness. I would trade anything to get her back healthy and thinking straight. I just don’t know what yo do when she’s shutting me out and saying hurtful things. I know she doesn’t mean them but she’s adamant she does mean them. It leaves me confused. She’s stubborn and won’t listen to what I say to try and reason with her. I love and miss her so much. Just wish she believed me
Get your self over to the fallout site you will get the help and support you need to help you cope during this very hard time.
I to tried it all you just cant reason with them, you cant control them or the illness you have to respect the time she needs to see it for herself, its the hardest thing ive endured and will be for you.
Like everyone I am left with unanswered questions. My bf of over 12 years was secretly packing up everything in the house that was his. Three weeks ago he told he he needed to talk to me about “us.” He was moving out of town! He needed to get away from everything causing him stress. Me? He wanted to find a job, he wants to feel like a man. This was a wed. And Friday he said he’d be back…..like we could talk…..no he returned to finish off everything. He refuses most communication. A week later I called and he said he’s done! I’m devastated.
Our lives were picture perfect. They began to unravel when my mother became sick. Her two year illness took a toll on both of us. My bf’s parents were no longer living. My family was like his family. After losing my mother in ’07 my life was filled with sadness and stress. My father moved in with me. At this point my bf had his own place.
We struggled to have time for each other but we still had a good relationship. As the economy headed downhill so did my bf’s work. He worked closely with his family. They struggled to keep their doors open when out of the blue his boss took his own life. My bf was thrown into an instant situation of caring for all the other family members along with dealing with the trauma he just faced. Finding his boss would have long term effects one that triggered depression throughout the family. After caring for the aging depressed parent of his family member it all has taken a toll.
During time of the suicide I was losing my father to cancer. What a devastating time. My bf surrounded me with friends. He wanted me to establish a best friend I could talk to and turn to. He shared a lot of information with her….more than with me. Our friendship grew stronger as my best friend’s mother was losing her battle to cancer. My bf would spen hours talking on the phone to various family members and not really talking to me. I needed an ear I wanted to be his ear.
Constant stress and family issues took a toll.
I told my bf 3 weeks ago we were both broken people trying to stay alive. I never dreamed he’d walk out the door. I never thought I’d hear him say he’s done. He shut me out. He hasn’t worked since discovering the suicide that was almost 3 years ago. His days were filled with busy stuff and his nights were filled with alcohol.
He spent the month up to leaving tidying everything around the house….pressure washing this and that, repairing different items…why? To relieve him of the guilt.
I can barely manage my days. Why am I left with all the questions? Before he left he said I’m not happy with myself….I can’t be happy with anyone. Now it’s that he’s done. Why does he want to confuse me?
I’ve been reading through this site and reading many comments and posts.
I pray I’m not expecting a miracle….but I mss him so much. He never gave us a chance to try and find answers for us.
Am I too hopeful?
Blinded, Hope is so hard to kill. Im sorry your in the same place as most of us the other side of the coin of depression. Its a struggle daily. Im now 5months into this only pit and i still have no answers. My gf also said she wasnt happy she thought it was a phase that would pass that she didn’t love herself. She let it strew didn’t talk to me about how she was feeling..then just dropped me out the blue, shock to me and everyone who knows us. In this state we wont get any answers any closure its a lonely thing fallout.
I see couples all around me braking up and getting back together coz thats what healthy people do they talk work things out. She haven’t been fair or reasonable with me shes not rational cant see my side. If she had none the doctors they do say not to make any life changing decisions for 6months. Its odd she pushed away the one person that will make her feel better even alittle, but id also make her see the doctor hence why im none. Now im waiting, she asked my auntie how i was on Monday yet shes not asked me that in 5months to hard for her. Im gonna stick it out despite my friends telling me to move on, isnt that easy they dont understand shes ill. And i carry our love just takes time.
So i sent my ex flowers for her mothers anniversary, she died six years ago i think this is the main reason for her depression, i know how deeply its effected her. So Ive been on edge all day waiting for a good/bad reaction? 10pm i get a” msg thanx for the flowers sorry x” as confused as ever. But i had to do something nice its who i am, i wrote her a letter to explain why ive not been in contact to give her the space she wanted, and that nothing has changed for me feelings and so on and that im here for her.
Thats the thing with fallout we get dropped and left with the feelings we have always felt and hit with a wall of apathy its heart breaking.
I’ve been having a tough week. I haven’t communicated with my husband in over a month. I’ve been trying to remain hopeful about our situation however I find myself lately becoming incredibly angry. not just with him but with mutual friends. every time they plan an outing he is always included and I have not once received an invitation. when I see that he is out and about I question whether or not my assumptions about him being depressed are correct. his behavior towards me is exactly what we are all describing on this site. I just don’t understand how no one else can see what I see. especially since one of the friends he spends a great deal of time with is a counselor. I feel as though I am in a room filled with people we know screaming at the top of my lungs this is depression!!! and no one is paying any attention. I’m still seeing my counselor for the situation. she is trying to get me to see how destructive his behavior is to me. and that I deserve better then this kind of treatment. its so hard when you believe that they are sick and you want to help and support them but the illness itself prevents you from doing that. if this was cancer I would not turn my back on him. its so hard to watch all of your hopes and dreams as newlyweds completely fall apart and disappear : (
Homesick- I can honestly say that I know exactly what you are going through. And it’s hurtful, and frustrating when you are the only one he is rejecting…and nobody else sees it, because he doesnt let them see it. My situation is the same as you are describing. However, I’ve come to learn that what they are projecting is textbook depressive behavior. Not that it makes it any less hurtful, I know. After ten months of the same turmoil, my husband is just now starting to come around….somewhat. I think the turning point for him was me moving out of town. I think (hope?) we are going to work on “us”….. But we have a long row to hoe…. he is still not the man I’ve known & loved for 14 yrs. All I can say is that there is hope, it takes time…and take care of yourself, so that when the dark cloud does lift, you will be healthy enough & strong enough to work on rebuilding your relationship. Don’t give up.
Dazed, I to know exactly what you are going through i to feel like im the only one shes rejecting, and yeah no one see it, And it is text book but she doesn’t feel depressed..how she feels is real to her normal and i cant get past her apathy towards me. I haven’t done a dam thing wrong yet i cant get her to fight with me instead of against me. I have hope because i know her and she don’t know herself right now.
Denise, when depressed they fake it till they make it hes not happy its fake but it keeps him going. Denial is a problem.
Denial equals rejection, which leads to negative response. Denial equals disagreement, which leads to conflict. Denial equals denunciation, which leads to condemnation, criticism, accusing, reproof, and scolding. Denial equals to defiance, which leads to rebelliousness. Denial equals refusal, which promotes negative response.
If you continue with the counterpart definitions of denial, soon you will see where many depressive symptoms creep into the mind.
Homesick, It is depression he has you describe it textbook. He can mix with other people because he doesn’t feel the pressure that he feels with his family, the guilt for having failed and the anger that he has, they are very good at hiding it from people. I thought my husband had improved a little after seeing him in Aug but after a txt last week where he still blames every one else for his woes showed me that he is still in the same headspace he was 10 mths ago. I have decided to let him go, I am now myself on anti depressants something I never dreamed I would ever need, but they have cleared my head and helped me think straight. I also see it as you and think if he had cancer I would be supporting him, I will still support him, but not at the expense of mine or my families health, my daughter is having to see someone as she doesn’t think her Dad can love her as he doesn’t contact her either and she’s 26 with a family of her own. I went to Adelaide last week and saw his Mum as he has not told her a lot, she asked if he was depressed and he told her no, still denying it. I told her he was happy doing what hes doing and she told me he’s not it’s an act, she can see it in his face. It is hard and a daily struggle for us left behind, time is a healer and you will get to a point where you will need to make a decision what you want to do, tho don’t try to push it take your time, if your having constant stream of thoughts going on in your head as I was maybe its time to speak to your Dr you might just need a little help to control the constant chatter in your head and clear it so you can think straight. Keep up the communication let us know how you are doing, take care
When you’re depressed, you feel this complete and utter inability to be yourself, and it makes it ten times harder when you’re around loved ones; i.e., people who know the real “you.” Being with friends can sometimes be easier for them. They get to put on a show. They get to pretend that they aren’t depressed for a short amount of time. It can really hurt you to see this.
My exgf can put on the same show..makes me feel crazy but i know the truth. Its easy for her to be with friends go out and have fun, they ask if shes okay she will say shes fine. They wont push any more, as they dont want to get involved. Ive tried to talk to afew of her friends BUT she acts so well, they think its something im making up to explain our out the blue break up. Even some of my own friends think its all in my head. Its hard.
Depression has dampened everything down, placing the depressive in a near-soundproof room. They may be able to hear you, but their lack of reaction isn’t because they’re being spiteful and ignoring you; it’s due to depression smothering them with apathy.
My husband has gone one step further and has completely cut himself off from his friends and has made a whole new set with people he doesn’t know from a bar of soap also who don’t know the real him only the shell and what he wants them to see, he thinks it’s what he wants because he feels no pressure with them and can say and do what he wants when he wants , but Iv been told by his mum he is not happy, his mum is the only person he still sees. I understand this is the depression but I have bad days where I really have to remind myself he’s depressed and so where deep down he does love his family but just doesn’t know how to at the moment
Thank you for the responses to my post And the insight you offered. It’s helpful to hear other people’s thoughts. At the beginning when all of this started We went out with friends. When we got home I called him out on his behavior that night. I told him it was the grossest display of fake bullshit I had ever seen. he responded with I was having fun. I did not suspect depression at this time. last time we got together I told him that I believe he was depressed. I gave him the rundown of symptoms that he was displaying re down to the fact that he was saying exactly what the people describing their depression in the countless post that I have read were saying. I even got him to read one of the post that I felt best fit our situation. he told me he didn’t feel depressed. I asked him what he thought depressed people look like.mopy his feeling was that they ask such a broad questions to diagnose depression that anyone will be diagnosed depressed. one of the symptoms I pointed out to him was that for about a month before this all happened and from what he is saying he would wake up very early in the morning even on weekends. I made the mistake of pointing that out to him. he texted me last night I was asleep so I texted him back this morning he got back to me around 1-1:30 starting the text with how he had slept in that’s why he was responding so late. my counselor keeps asking if we are talking. after dealing with him and seeing the way he’s behaving up close and personal and reading the post above I just don’t know what talking is going to do at this moment. I wish I had an actual diagnosis to go off of. but I don’t and probably never will.
know probably never will.
fun.**
So surprisingly i hear from my ex yesterday ,first time she has contacted me first in 4months..asking about my nephews bd and would i wish him a happy birthday from her, then mins later a second msg saying she couldn’t find me on fb to msg me. Well for at least two hours i was analyzing the fact she had even msg me. In shock, then one of our mutual friends msg me out the blue aint heard off her in months as i felt she picked her side and i wasn’t mine. To see how i was? random? No my ex got her to msg me to see if i would reply to her coz i haven’t replied to my exs msg yet. I cut contact over two months ago as me trying to help wasn’t, she didnt want to hear about depression..but i hear she misses us me and the family hopefully the apathy is fading but i dont want to get my hopes up…Slow steps from her and i dont want to put the pressure on her. Tho two weeks early she thanked me for a bd card i sent her even wrote (I still love you on it) little bits and little hope.
hoping- I hear the frustration and confusion in your post. Sounds like she is making some progress? Even though her behaviour seems erratic to you, and it is, it’s progress for her…. she is perhaps trying to see if you are still there for her. My husband did the same thing…back & forth, for months. I felt like a worm @ the end of the fishing line…cast me out, reel me in, and so on. It is not easy for depressed people to “feel” anything, so in my humble opinion, she is making progress. It may seem like a small thing to you & I, but to her, it’s HUGE. I know it’s difficult to not get your hopes up, but if your goal is to save your relationship, you have to remain (cautiously) optimistic. And the fact that she wrote that she still loves you on a birthday card, that alone speaks volumes. She still does love you, she just can’t feel it. It can be a long, slow process. Try not to analyze too much, take it as it comes, know when to back off and when to show support. There is hope. Stay strong.
dazed & confused, sorry im the one who sent her bd card to her with i love you still on.
But the acknowledgment is a first.
I also am abit weary this could be the start of the push and pull dance? But ive got a cooler head on me now, think before i act.
Hoping, so pleased to read your post, like you said, baby steps it may be two steps forward then one step back but it does sound promising, good luck nice to hear some positive news
I dont think we can lose our loved ones to depression, we just lose ourself in our reactions. The love is there they just cant feel it coz there so sad.
It is positive she even msg my mother to she aint done that in months they where close. She hurt her to turning on all of us.
I just want her to be reasonable “without saying something feels off” “something has changed i dont know what” so ill blame you and leave you. Small steps.
I am currently going through this incredibly difficult situation. My husband of almost ten years is all over the place. I admit some fault with the past difficulties in our relationship. No one is perfect, we argued, said mean things out of fear, and put a band aid on it. This time is different. I have decided not to fight any longer. It takes to much out of me. I want to repair our relationship and be a friend to him.
In my eyes he has been battling depression our whole relationship. He sleeps all day, irritable, body aches, and will not get help. His depression stems from his childhood. His mother abandoned him and was never there for him. Ironic that now he is doing that to his family. We have a 15 month old child who he just won’t help with. Within the last few months I was asking him for help with her and his response was to not do anything at all. I believe that is what tipped him over the edge. He now says he is leaving and does not care if he ever sleeps in our bed again. I understand he might have said this just to try and get a reaction out of me. Yes, it hurt quite a bit. Instead of verbally responding, I wrote a short note saying that what he said confused me and let it go. I was confused because a few days before he told me divorce was not an option and he loved me.
My question is how do are you supposed to accept that your partner is leaving? He has no time frame, no separation rules (i.e dating other people, how to co-parent our child, etc.) We certainly cannot afford two households. I suggested moving our daughters bed into our room and allowing him his own space in her room. His response was “ten feet is not far enough away.” I do not think I can bounce back from his leaving.
I am trying to be as supportive as I can. But we have a young child and he is leaving me with all the parental responsibility so he can “see what it is like to live on his own.” Yet he still wants me to be intimate with him. How can I give myself to someone who treats me this way? I do not want to lose him, but I cannot be treated this way. Our daughter cannot be treated this way.
This was exactly me five years ago. I had a 15 month old and a 3 year old. I felt helpless, hopeless, and all the advice I could find was ”this is his journey youhave to let him do it”.
Five years on and can look back with some clarity and perspective and would offer this:
– yes it’s his journey but the reality is that he is NOT thinking straight.
– that means he simply isn’t ABLE to be a husband to your nor a father to your child
– the more capable you appear as spouse/parent, the more incapable he feels – a vicious circle
My FDH finally said he was leaving, that love ”wasn’t enough” and this life with wife and children ”wasn’t what he wanted”. It took 6 months of living in the same house, separated before I, yes me, finally had enough and moved out. It nearly crippled me financially and emotionally, but in fact, it was when I took that control back that he hit rock bottom – and slowly started to get well.
Of course in an ideal world the depressed person will use their wife or husband as their main support person, but in reality that isn’t how it is.
My suggestions:
– look after YOU. If this situation is toxic for you and your child you have to get out. you just have to. I kept a suitcase of clothes in the car and would often just turn up at my parents house and stay the night. We never talked about it, but they knew something was wrong, and just were simply there, for me.
– do everything you can to get him medical help – but if he won’t go, there’s literally nothing you can do – ultimatums don’t work at the best of times, and certainly not with someone in an irrational state of mind.
– again…look after YOU. live each day, one day at a time. Be in the moment with your baby – she has no idea what is happening and needs to simply feel loved and cared for.
Good luck
Stephanie,
Please let me know how things are going. I know I must be twice your age but I think I could help you with your situation. I have the same thing going on just with an older husband. My husband slept in a closet for 6 months to get away from the household and I am not a terror to live with…he just wanted to sleep and retreat,