It’s the worst scenario of life with depressed partners. They leave, shutting out a lot of love and support because of the illness. If you’ve been abandoned in this way, the first thing you’re likely to try is to get in touch. You need to say you still care and want to help in any way you can. They may refuse all contact or send an answer full of anger and blame. Or they might say the opposite. They still love you but need to stay away to deal with the problem and protect you from its impact. Or the messages can switch from one extreme to the other. What they say makes no sense, and you can’t figure out what to do.
I hear so much about this from readers here. They say things like this: (I’m putting together composite remarks here based on several letters and comments. These are not direct quotes.)
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I sent a note and said somewhere that I hoped she could think of some happier times – it was just a small thing when I was really saying I wanted to help. She came back with a text about how I couldn’t possibly understand and how dare I tell her what to do. I tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just shouted to leave her alone and hung up on me. What can I do now?
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I told him to remember that I still believed in him and felt a lot of love for him, but he answered right away with a huge outburst, blaming me for everything.
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At first he said he was so sorry and that he was the one with the problem, not me. I really believed him and talked about a lot of things he could do to get better. But his only answer was to go through all the problems he said I had caused. He claimed I had forced him out of the house and how could I live with myself.
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This is all no-win. If I try to talk to him at all, he shuts me up by saying I have no idea what it’s like for him. But if I stop trying to get in touch, he accuses me of not loving him at all and that all I can think about is myself. Is there any hope? I’m getting really desperate.
I’ve written a couple of posts about trying to find hope in this extreme situation. I hope you’ll read them. They represent a somewhat different take from the many earlier posts I’ve done here, such as Why Depressed Men Leave series.
I’d like to add here a few additional ideas about why it’s so hard to communicate after a break has occurred.
If you’ve been left, the initial impulse, almost inevitably, is to try to hold onto whatever remains of the relationship, to find out why and how this could have happened. Staying in touch is the first thing you need to do, and the messages usually offer love and whatever help might be needed for your partner to get through the crisis. You might also make specific suggestions about starting therapy or taking medication.
The intention behind the words is loving, but the way the messages are interpreted can be completely different from what you intended. There are a lot of reasons for this.
First, they are depressed. The illness has drastically changed their thinking and behavior. They might have fantasies that leaving for a new life is the answer and that all the problems have been caused by the “old” relationship. Others just pull into themselves and can’t handle discussing their turmoil with anyone.
They probably aren’t doing much to get treatment. For them, leaving itself is the primary way they’re dealing with depression. Whatever they might say about you openly, the underlying message is the same. I’m doing this without you.
So when they hear from you, anything you say is going to be fitted into a depressed mindset. They’re going to search your words and offers of help for proof that they’ve done the right thing by leaving.
You, on the other hand, may spot depression as the real cause for their going. That gives you reason to hope that, as soon as the illness is gone, they’ll be themselves again and return to the relationship. You’ll find once more the loving partner you know is hidden by depression. So the solution is to bring the partner back to health as quickly as possible. You can offer all the love and support they’ll need and also can suggest the types of help they can get.
Those messages of helping, though, inevitably convey the underlying message: I want you back. In such a life crisis, it’s impossible to offer help in a disinterested way, and the urgency of your need gets the partner’s attention. They interpret what you say as all about you, not about them. Letting you in to help them can seem like stepping right back into the problem they’ve just tried to get away from.
The two of you are talking from completely different mindsets and needs. Small wonder that nothing is making sense. To make it worse, a person whose thinking and feelings are dominated by depression is going through an ordeal that could flip him around. One day everything feels great and seems to justify leaving, while the next can be filled with anguish and doubt. You’ll go through your ups and downs too, baffled, loving, angry, hurt. The messages from both of you are going to convey these shifting emotions.
There’s no easy way to deal with this. Keeping in mind the impact of depression on your partner is probably most important. That is behind the sudden changes in outlook and behavior, but getting rid of depression can’t be rushed. It is up to the partner to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead. The process of recovery and healing is usually slow, and each person does it at their own pace.
Sometimes the messages do get through, communication works and your partner invites you in to help. But if your efforts keep backfiring, perhaps it’s best to step back for a while. No suggestion works well in every context, though, and it may well turn out that the relationship will never recover from this shock.
No matter what happens, finding your own support and taking care of yourself are probably the most effective actions you can take.
What has your experience been like in trying to communicate with a depressed partner? Have you been through a crisis like this?
Image by psyberartist at Flickr
I am definitely in this stage of communicating with my husband who left in August and feeling like I should stop. He encouraged the contact and has initiated some himself. In the past week or so he has become more cold and distant. He started counseling which is good. I feel like I should not reach out to him but I am finding that SO difficult. I have no family and am living alone in our home which is very painful. I have good friends and am trying to take care of myself but I do miss him very much and am hurt that he seems like he is moving on and/or ready to do so this quickly.
Jen, my husband also blows hot and cold. he gives me hope when he contacts me then a couple of weeks later he is back to being angry distant and blaming everyone else for where he is. YOU do have some hope as your husband is now starting to get help and I hope for your sake and relationship the cloud will start to lift and things will start to look good again. I wish you all the best, just hold on, it sounds positive. denise
Thank you Denise. I have has a rough weekend. Your encouragement is very helpful and much appreciated.
its a day by day thing Jen, don’t prempt or make assumptions, I did that and it did my head in.
Jen, I’m sorry to hear you share a story that is sadly, all too familiar with all of us here. Denise is giving you great insight. Your husband starting counseling is a positive. One day @ a time… Take care of you.
Has anyone had any experience with Adjustment Disorder (situational depression) My now ex gf pulled away out the blue 4months ago, I now understand why…i believe it lasts no longer than 6months is it normal for then to pull away and later return? Will i still be in her heart when her minds clear again?
Hoping
Hopeful, my husband suffers from adjustment disorder and in my situation he has not gotten any better, he refuses help and doing it on his own but it’s just not working. If your partener gets medical help then from what I know about it yes there is hope for you but the longer she goes with out help the harder it will be. My husband had a bad back injury and it’s made him feel useless and no good for us and has left the family home despite our love for him to”sort himself out” it’s been 9 mths now and he seems to be going round in circles. All I can say is let her know you support her dont pressure her but work gently at getting her to get help. Her gp is the best place to start even if she won’t go you can go and get advice on what you can do. He will put you in the right direction and get as much information as you can find on it will be helpful to you. I hope you have success denise
Thanks Denise, Ive tried to get her to go the gp but shes so defensive about it and angry, As it says in this post ive had to back off as trying to help wasnt helping. Its horrible as shes become so cold towards me, She knows i love her but it just docent matter to her at this time. She knows im here ive told her ill support her, shes carrying on her normal everyday life going the gym trying to make herself feel better, she told me at the start she felt she didnt love herself, But in denial of any depression.
Iv had to back off from my husband also, he knows I’m here, and Iv had to come to terms with the fact until he gets help he will not get better. It’s not you she doesn’t love it’s herself and has lost all emotion. We have two children and a grandchild who he adored but he is not in contact with them either. You do need to make sure you are ok Iv started seeing a councillor and she has put a lot of it into perspective for me, it may help you to see someone as it would be quite easy with all the confusion and unanswered questions assumptions we make to also slide into depression. Unfortunately you can’t help her till she wants to help herself but your doing the right thing by letting her know you are there for her and giving her space. If you need to know anything from my experience with it ask away il give you any support I can Denise
Thanks again. I’m doing the best I can with myself just a broken heart, and how I’ve become so unimportant like I’ve never matted , nothing but indifference and apathy . She won’t get help she doesn’t think she’s depressed oh it’s hard. Situational depressed shouldn’t last longer than 6 months unless the stressor is on going . I’ve had no contact for 2 out if the last 4 months but they don’t reach out if we don’t. How can you fight what they feel is there reality
Denise and Hoping your stories are ones I can strongly relate too
I am two months into my partners depression and within that time frame there has been hardly any contact. It’s been hell. We have met through his psychiatrist and I have been allowed to text him but in the last 3 weeks I’ve heard nothing. And in that 3 weeks I’ve been in hospital, lost my job, a relative, it’s been Xmas and newyear. But nothing, he was so attentive and loving before, and it hurts so much that’ve gone from being his everything to his nothing. It’s like never meant a thing to him. This is so painful! Everyone tells me he will wake up and love me again but I’m just not sure.
EC, Im Carl, aka hoping…. i know all to well how you feel i lost my battle with my depressed ex as you can see, she would rather run from her problem than deal with it. Its so hard to to keep contact going they just dont reach out, and it still baffles me to this day how they can just turn off to us?. If you haven’t already join us on the depression fallout site, your not alone and you will get great support there if you need it. x
E C and Carl well its been 12 mths now with my husband and after getting another txt from him blaming me for everything in Sept, I decided enough was enough and made a decision to move on. Best thing I ever did once I set my mind to it, I am filing for divorce and I’m very happy with the decisions I have put in place. My mind is finally clear and I’m really happy and in a good place. I cant put my life on hold waiting for him to get the help he needs, it may never happen, he is where he wants to be and building a life, he still blames me, but I have very little contact with him and that’s how I like it. I’m sorry u are going thru this EC but time will help and u will get to a place in ur head where u can make decisions clearly, I was helped by having anti depressants, it stopped my head being clouded and helped me make clear and definet decisions. I was only on them 6 mths and now weaning myself off them. I hope things work out for u both
Denise, Im so sorry it has come to this, but your right you have to look out for yourself…a year is a long time to wait for someone. Untreated hes toxic like my ex she told me she needed to be alone, i give her time and space but she used it to fill the emptiness with another man, and is having his baby. Yeah its hurtful but she cant be truthful with me because she cant with herself, Its true sometimes they just do to much damage. Starting again is scary but i have no choice. Untreated Ds are strangers people we used to know and in denial of there illness its nothing but harmful to us there loving partners they left behind. I hope you find peace, And EC this is the start of a painful road look after yourself to. x
Thank goodness for this site. I’ve learned so much, most importantly that I am not the only person who has been abandoned as a result of depression.
My boyfriend cut me cut out of his life at the end of feb 2013. It was like he’d flicked a switch- and was gone. No reason, explanation, conversation or anything. I was well and truely abandoned. I saw a counsellor for four months, which no doubt saved my sanity. However now that i know more about depression I realise (and through my counsellor) he probably had it for many years. He never slept well, always struggling to fall asleep and when he did he would waken again in the early hours. I can now see other signs too, the emotional detachment creeping in etc. My counsellor is pretty sure he ‘flipped’ and sank into a deep depression when he cut me off. It’s been over six months now and I’ve not heard a thing. Initially I phoned and text him manically. Weeks later I wrote him a letter, effectively telling him it was ok to contact me when he felt able. I felt I was leaving the door open instead of slamming it shut behind him. It’s been hell, as you all know. I only know he’s alive and still working through Facebook. He’s been tagged a few times in other people’s photos over the first six months. A couple of weeks ago he started using Facebook and posting things again. I’m devastated that he can communicate with friends through Facebook but won’t even contact/speak to me. I’m pretty much leaving him to it, to sort things out and hopefully one day he will contact me, even an explanation or an apology would help me. I cannot believe the person I knew would behave like this. He would be disgusted at this behaviour. I simply don’t know what to do except get on with my life as best I can. Meanwhile he seems to be starting to pick up the pieces. “I know” you wrote about some time frames, they’re similar to my experience. Have you any references so I could read more?
Catherine, I know all to well how you feel. My exdgf hasn’t talked to me in months, I love you one day the next she was gone. And i couldn’t reason with her one bit. Now ive got to let her ride it out, I know shes depressed but shes not as aware in fact total denial. It hurts how heartless shes been but its part of the illness. Head to depressionfallout there are loads of us there with the same stories, We give support and understanding to everyone in our boat.
Okay this is the third time I have tried to post something on here. Every time I end up writing a short novel. So I am going to try to keep it brief. Within the February March time frame I noticed my husband getting upset over little things And blowing them way out of proportion. He would get upset over something little. but then his explanation for what he was upset with had nothing to do with the situation. at the end of April he decided to tell me he was no longer happy with our marriage. proceed to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore and questioned if he ever really did. and that our relationship was built on a shaky foundation at best. We were best friends before we ever started dating.there were so many other hurtful things he said too many to count. this all came out of nowhere for me I was under the assumption we were just as happy as we always had been. all of his blame seemed so silly to me it’s like he’s just grasping at straws for an excuse. at first I thought it was another woman. something he adamantly denies. he says this is not about someone else. I still struggle with whether or not this is the truth. but he did say that he had feelings for not one but two people at work. and that they possess qualities that I will never possess. And I was not what he needs.so after a few weeks of his increasing agitation and what can only be described as emotional abuse towards me. we decided to live separately for a while. he still acts as though he cares for my well being here and there. but it is very cold and distant. after he told me about his feelings for other people. I thought it was best that we not have any contact because all he does is push for us to end our marriage and say hurtful things emotionally I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told him I needed time to heal and sort out how I felt about the situation. during this time I have started seeing a counselor. it helps to talk but I don’t think I have made much headway in accepting that he is probably not going to come back. when we first separated I figured it would be for a few weeks. things would come down and we could talk logically. I never suspected depression. I always thought depressed people stayed in bed cried all the time and it was quite obvious that they were depressed. when I found the series of posts I was completely shocked and amazed and how closely everyone else’s situation mirrors my own he was prescribed antidepressants when he was in College due to an abusive relationship he has not been diagnosed in this situation as none of these problems are with him its all with me in his mind. sometimes I struggle with whether or not this is depression or I just married a jerk that hid it really well for 7 years. I suggested counseling. something he will have no part of. I feel as though I’m being immature for not wanting to speak to him. but honestly I don’t know of any good way to go about it. if anyone has any suggestions. I would greatly .appreciate it t..hank you very much
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Gosh ur story is almost a carbon copy of mine tho I’m in my eight mth of my husband leaving. He is depressed and ur hubby sounds very much like mine. In the beginning I tried to keep the lines if communication open constantly emailing n texting he wouldn’t answer my phone calls, I got little response back and when I did it was angry replies bout how it wAs all my fault. I started seeing a councillor which helped with my habit of making assumptions bout what my husband was doing, it was driving me crazy. I’ve learnt that the depression has stopped my husband from feeling so he has no inclination to be with another woman tho he has made friends with one who makes him feel good but he is in no fit state to Do anything about it. I now only contact him when I need to or just to ask how he is he is a little better and replies. He has also cut himself off from his adult children so I k ow its not me. I’m getting stronger and I have researched this disease to help me deal with it. I’m angry that he won’t get help but I now have to start moving on its really tough as I’ve been married to this man for 32 yrs but I can’t keep hanging on on the chance he will suddenly get better. You need to just take baby steps not second guess yourself or him and take day by day. I highly recommend councilling for you it has helped me a lot. My husband left his job left me with all our debts left me to pick up the pieces with his children it’s been very hard and hopefully I’ll come out the other side of it a much stronger woman. Remember LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
homesick-
I’m sure I won’t be the only one here to say this to you, but you could have been writing my story….sadly, you’ll find all of our stories are very similar to yours. You didn’t marry a jerk any more than I did. Depression is a terrible illness, and the sh!t storm it causes within the family unit can be devastating. It is certainly exhausting. I’m glad you are getting counselling & hope it helps you cope. I too have gone for counselling but after 9 mths, I feel like I just keep repeating my story & my husband wont agree to it either. Unfortunately I’ve come to know that the only thing I can really do is give him the time & space he insists he needs…and I try not to look too far down the road. I hope it helps you to hear from someone who is in the same situation. My husband’s behaviour has been almost identical to that which you describe….and it’s textbook behaviour. Don’t give up, take care of yourself & remember that it was never about you. There is hope.
thank you for your response to my post. I’m sorry you are facing the same demon I suspect I am. I too am incredibly angry at times for what he is doing and has done to our relationship. I have read a lot about depression fallout and everything! on the list is me. I have been on many websites that discuss depression and the triggers. 2 months before my husband and I were married my father passed away. it was very sudden and unexpected. I was very close with my dad and my husband was as well because he grew up without a father. 9 months after we were married. my husband lost his job. the job could be stressful but he loves what he was doing. he spent a few months unemployed. and decided to take a job temporarily until he found something more along the lines of what he was doing before. he did go to college but not for what his job entailed and has found it very difficult to find something else like it. on top of that his job pays nowhere near what the other one dead. after still being at a job he thought would be temporary for a year and a half. and not really seeing a way out at this point I feel this is a huge contributor to our situation. after my father passed away my mother really needed us. in the past he had complained about my job. which was understandable at the time because I work retail and there are seasonable highs and seasonable Lowes. however for the past year I have been working consistently full time very early in the morning and on my feet all day. I came home cooked cleaned took care of the laundry and ran the house day in day out. but now he’s accusing me of having never really done anything around there. I have read many things on depression. when I told him I thought he was depressed he responded with maybe it just is what it is. many of the things that I have read lead me to believe that his job situation is the main root cause. however a lot of Medical web sites say that stress from a bad relationship can cause this. a lot of people on here say that. it’s not really about me however I have trouble not blaming myself for needing him after the loss of my dad and helping with my mom and it may be my job really isn’t good enough and I should have been doing more. through all of this my husband has been the one to make contact I thought it was best to let him come to me talking with me has never been the problem it’s just what he says when I talk to him that’s the problem. he texted me last night after a month of not speaking with the exception of basic finances. I was out with a friend at the time and unable to discuss things with him. I told him I would call him today. I’m so scared to contact him for fear he is just going to end our relationship. that’s what hurts me the most his willingness to just walk away from our marriage. our 3 year wedding anniversary is this month a day that I am sure will not be easy for me. thank you for your response and your support a lot of times I feel like friends and family are there but they really just don’t understand what we are feeling and going through so thank you again. it’s not about me
All of these stories are SO much like mine. My husband of 13 years has suffered mild cyclical depression for as long as I’ve known him…untreated of course. In Jan/13, he went on medical LOA from his job diagnosed with clinical depression. In less than 5 months, his “depression due to work related stress” turned into ” I don’t love you & I don’t know that I ever did”. He would take off for days & not tell anybody where he was. Stay out all night. He was hostile then agressive. He showed absolutely no respect for me or my feelings. His behaviour went from erratic to just … well, crazy. The police have found him sleeping in his vehicle on the street in the middle of the night. He would take off for days, one time for a week, off his meds, of course, and not tell anyone where he was going to be. I recently found out his mother was aware of where he was….and no, she did not bother to tell me. I was scared to death that he would be dead somewhere. Everytime he walked out the door, I was afraid that was the last time. He lies, about everything. He had his escape well planned for months….and then finally told me he had rented an apt. for June, but to be honest, he hadn’t really been here for months. This damn depression has just about killed me, and yet, he seems to be having a great time. I am still sad, so very hurt & angry. He has moved on with his new life, and I am still stuck trying to put the pieces of ME back together. Alone. Thanks for letting me vent…
I would give him time. Clinical depression on average lasts 8 mths usually starts in the fall mildly and as u have said it becomes obvious in jan and it stays it worst till aug. it sounds as his is severe as he’s lost all emotions. So sad but he will recover the brain will recover usually October time start seeing small pieces of his personality will come back and he still will want space and may only be able to be ur friend. The important thing to remember is he will not fall in love with anyone else because he can’t! He needs to be on his own for a few mths. Tell him u want him to reconciliation and u love him be his friend and give him full space. When a partner believes the love is lost and turns away then when they recover they have nothing to love again. Stay in the background and he will love u a million times more than before. Recovery u see life as more beautiful than ever as hard as it is to believe through the darkest times love can succeed just hang in a few mths, pretend he’s working away dont give in. Good luck he lost control u haven’t.
Ps. Recovery takes about 6mths the brain completely shuts down to negative for a bout a year which is sadly what ur in now but in oct recovery will start and about march next year he will be 80% back. But he will be a much stronger better person than before. People think depression just stops it doesn’t its a process that takes months. It’s a breakdown and they have to relearn and rebuild life on own. It’s so beautiful when love survives it its like being drunk and waking up sober. Seeing life as it really is again. He loved u once he will love u again it’s never been about u
Thank you for your kind words to a stranger. Your feedback has given me a little bit of cautious optimism. I know he still cares about me, but on a very “flat” level. I’ve asked him where I am supposed to fit in , IF I still have a place in his life…he just keeps saying he doesn’t know, he needs time, but I feel as though I’ve given him more than enough time. Part of me wants to tell him to love me or let me go….but I know that is the frustration talking, and I don’t want to lose the little bit of connection we have left. However, how long do I keep feeling like the fool who’s hanging on to something that isn’t there anymore? Ugh…. so frustrating. A year ago, I never would have thought this would be my life…we’ve known each other a long time, been a couple for 15 yrs, he’s turning 51 and I am only a few years behind him….no spring chickens. Sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with this if 20 yrs younger. I’ve never been alone before in my entire life….and scared to death, yet, he is getting along just fine. I try to not “bother” him, because he gets angry if he’s having one of “those” days…then I get angry & it goes on…. but I still have to rely on him for so many things, yet he lies so much and hides so much from me that I really can’t rely on him at all.
I tell myself it will get better, but right now, I don’t know it will. Thanks again for your kind words & your insight
Dazed and confused I can tell you as a 22 year old who has been with their partner nearly 8 years it is no easier being younger. I have never been alone but here I am, and it has ruined me.
I am two months into my partners depression and within that time frame there has been hardly any contact. It’s been hell. We have met through his psychiatrist and I have been allowed to text him but in the last 3 weeks I’ve heard nothing. And in that 3 weeks I’ve been in hospital, lost my job, a relative, it’s been Xmas and newyear. But nothing. Although I am seeing him on Tuesday. It’s frightening he was so attentive and loving before, and it hurts so much that’ve gone from being his everything to his nothing. It’s like never meant a thing to him. This is so painful! Everyone tells me he will wake up and love me again but I’m just not sure.
Maybe it’s because I’ve now been doing so much reading on various websites about depression & going through many of the blog postings here, but I would really like to find hope in the timelines you give… Can you tell me where I could find that information? I’m just recently coming out of an 8-year long relationship with someone I’ve known for much longer than that (friends first). He started becoming depressed in the summer, abused prescription drugs, did start to go to therapy but it wasn’t until the holidays hit that he really became erratic and that I realized how bad his depression really was. I tried to help as best I could but ultimately, after he told me how much he felt he had disappointed me, how much it hurt to be around me, and how much he just wanted me to leave because of the hurt he was causing me, I did. I left. I am confused and hurt and I don’t know if it was the right decision but I guess I ultimately hope that if he was in so much pain because of me and couldn’t focus on himself, then hopefully now he will. I would like a relationship with him in the future but clearly don’t know when he will be better or if he’ll be in any position to want to return to our relationship. I tell myself that it’s the Depression clouding his decisions and it’s not him but sometimes I think that maybe there were other things going on and I’m just fooling myself and I should move on. He is going to start anti depressants soon and I really hope they help him but I just need guidance as to the timelines of depression when the depressed seeks therapy, and what happens in situations where the love is there, but both people are trying not to hurt each other. It’s like talking at cross purposes but trying to arrive at the same conclusion…
@I know
I finally went over to see my husband After a month of not seeing or really speaking to him. he had taken all the pictures of us down and didn’t bother to put his wedding ring back on. he has been putting it back on when I would come over. when I walked in I was met with the same cold person I’ve been dealing with. I asked him if I could have a hug. he hugged me so tightly as if he was trying to pull me inside of him. not the normal telephone pole hug I had been receiving. the rest of the night he was like my husband again. attentive caring affectionate. he had been drinking. something he is doing a lot more frequently then just socially.At this point. he did tell me he missed me and that it was lonely without me there. we got together to other times after this. he was still distant.. but I did get kissed goodnight and a tap on..
the b***. I am hoping upon hoping after reading your post that this is a sign that the depression is starting to clear. I don’t know what to think you seem pretty sure that it will clear up on its own eventually. but a lot of what I have read leads me to believe that until he gets treatment it will not get better. the time frame you gave seems to match up pretty closely with my situation with him. any additional insight would be great!!!
Sorry you are going through this–with all of us. I am sure you have spent many nights up worried while he was out doing what have you–and I am sure the loss of the loving marriage you had is hurting you deeply. It’s lonely. It’s confusing. It’s also very hard to not get angry and bitter. Most of the posts you will find have mirror like experiences of your own with your husband. At least you can find comfort in this as many of us have. You are not alone in this…
My situation with my ex didn’t go so well, but I can offer empathy. Depression steals your partner and then kills your relationship–but you can fight back and hope for the best.
From my experience I would encourage you to take care of yourself. It’s easy to become depressed too with this change in your loved one, confusion, etc. I am bitter often but honestly miss my boyfriend so much (even four and a half months after he left) that it hurts me daily. It’s the first thing I think about when my eyes open each morning…another day without him. Sigh. I want to kick the depression in his life in the ass. Seriously. I am so angry with “it”. It ruined something so special…and I have a huge void without him.
Second, I suggest you take every single action and word he says with a grain of salt. Meaning that often things my ex said to me that I later would address he would say, “Don’t pay attention to what I said. I didnt mean those things. I cant even remember saying them. You are dealing with a crazy person.” Sad but an honest reply …and often those things he said or did would recycle in my head for months as I tried to make sense of something that made no sense. . .
MM
Thanks for your honesty. Your words are very much how I have been feeling. It is lonely, confusing & I’m so frustrated by it all. I too have often said I want to kick “it” in the ass….whatever “it” is. It’s good to know there is this safe place to discuss this horrible illness, yet, sad to know it is happening in other people’s lives as well. I’m sorry your story didn’t have a happy ending. I had such strong conviction for so long that I could “fix” this…but I am quickly losing faith. I’m just totally exhausted…mentally & physically. So difficult not to take all of it personally, when it is SO personal. Thank you for your encouraging & honest reply.
I know that feeling. It’s a loyalty to something and someone you’re not sure even exists anymore. I had moments where I felt so foolish I cried. I’d think why am I supporting him and worrying when he doesn’t care about this destruction he caused? Even if it is the depression, it’s hard to separate and not feel devalued. How long should we wait? Ill leave my ex alone for three weeks at a time And he will say he hasn’t had any space. I feel so sad in those moments because I’ve spent many endless says worried and sad and I’ve felt very alone and a lot if space from him. Sad how depression distorts reality and crushes compassion. My partner at times treats me like an annoying gnat. Eventually heveill shoo me away for good. everyone has a breaking point.
I was asked out tonight by someone I’ve always had connection with and said yes. The guilt I feel is overwhelming and frustrating. I have waited for four and a half months for some return of my ex. Some light. At some point we must move on or ill be waiting for something that may never come. When and if he decides to value me, I’ll have to evaluate where I am but after this pain, I’m not so sure I’d be ready to jump back on this sinking ship w him. The more time we have apart, the more I let go. Each day that passes wout him I feel less hopeful about him…about us.
I know that feeling. It’s a loyalty to something and someone you’re not sure even exists anymore. I had moments where I felt so foolish I cried. I’d think why am I supporting him and worrying when he doesn’t care about this destruction he caused? Even if it is the depression, it’s hard to separate and not feel devalued. How long should we wait? Ill leave my ex alone for three weeks at a time And he will say he hasn’t had any space. I feel so sad in those moments because I’ve spent many endless days worried and sad and I’ve felt very alone and a lot of space from him. Sad how depression distorts reality and crushes compassion. My partner at times treats me like an annoying gnat. Eventually he will shoo me away for good. everyone has a breaking point.
I was asked out tonight by someone I’ve always had connection with and said yes. The guilt I feel is overwhelming and frustrating. I have waited for four and a half months for some return of my ex. Some light. At some point we must move on or ill be waiting for something that may never come. When and if he decides to value me, I’ll have to evaluate where I am but after this pain, I’m not so sure I’d be ready to jump back on this sinking ship w him. The more time we have apart, the more I let go. Each day that passes wout him I feel less hopeful about him…about us.
dazed and confused, i’m in a similar boat as you, my husband left our life in dec 2013 to find him self he is suffering clinical depression but won’t accept it, he says its all me doesn’t know if he loves me. He is now living on the riverland living a carefree life while i and my family fall apart. He rarely answers txts but will contact me if he needs me. I lost my mother jan 2013 and he came back for funeral a very angry man with no life in him, i saw him again in july he was a little better, and one out of the three days he was here it was like old times. He told me he still needed to go but it gave him hope for our future, but i’m so confused its like a roller coaster, i am having councilling and its helped tremendously and i highly reccommend it, she has taught me not to assume, as i was assumming he was doing all sorts of things turning my head upside down with these thoughts then finding out it hadn’t happened. I have good and bad days tho now more good than bad. I love him with a passion and will wait for him to sort himself out but am taking it day by day i find that a lot easier than second guessing the future. You cant fix him but you can make sure your ok so that when he gets better you have the strength to deal with him.
p.s. i am 52 and we have been married 31 yrs. in Feb 2012 we renewed our vows then 12 mths later look where we are. He does love you my husband says the same to me as yours is saying to you but i see bits of his love and some of the things he does encorages me. He just doesn’t know it as his emotions are buried deep he is certainly not the man i know and have loved all these yrs, but i’m hanging on, Dont give up unfortunately it’s time they need
Currently dealing with the loss of my gf. We haven’t been together as long as some of the other posts but I certainly feel that the level of feelings were there. We both met one night after a random encounter where we discovered that we had both lost our Fathers at a young age. A little more discussion revealed that we both loved the same books, movies, music, and hobbies. We quickly became inseparable.
In the last three months we’ve dealt with becoming pregnant and losing a baby, her having some fines that needed to be paid and I gave her the money because I wanted to help, her having a massive car wreck, and then my kids from a previous relationship came to visit for the summer.
I’m keenly aware of how that’s a massive amount of things to deal with in such a short span of time in a relationship that hasn’t been around for a very long time. But I also know that I love her with all of my heart and up until the point that she told me that she was depressed and had to leave, she both told and demonstrated that she loved me as well.
One day recently though, she told me that she felt trapped and that she wasn’t happy and that she needed to take time away to fix her life and that she still wanted me in that life but that she couldn’t be with me anymore. I had asked her to come over and talk and she initially did and we seemed to make a lot of progress, but then as time has gone on she’s told me that she can’t see me anymore and at this point we aren’t talking.
It’s been extremely difficult to process that the same girl that used to hug me until it hurt and told me that she never wants to lose me and wants us to be together forever is now shutting me out and has admitted that this is the only healthy relationship that she’s ever been in, but that she feels she’s numb inside and that she’s not the right person for me.
I believe with all my heart that she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t want to lose her. I’m in a very sad place feeling as though the love of my life has given up on us before we even really had a chance to get started. Thus far it’s been five days since the last time we’ve spoken and I emailed her today and tried once to call but haven’t heard anything back.
I guess the only thing I can really do now is wait to find out if she’s ever going to stop being afraid of having a relationship with me.
Ben, its not as simple and her not wanting to have a relationship with you, I feel your story mine has some of the same aspects, nearly 3 months since my gf left me, and ive come to understand alot of depression…When suffering with D you cant connect with your own feelings never mind connecting with a BF/GF on a emotional level, They cant feel, even feel like they dont love us or the spark has gone.
And to them how they feel is there reality, its surreal to think someone can change so much but D distorts how they think and feel, and in this state they dont see a future with us…unless shes willing to help herself there is nothing you can do, its horrible i know, you just have to take care of your self in the meantime.
I’m so tired,sad,miserable and lost.His words are killing me every time.It never gets easier,I’ll never get desensitize .My relationship and marriage of 4 years is dying and I can feel how it’s all disappearing little by little.It hurts.
He can’t feel anything,doesn’t know anything anymore,doesn’t know what’s real and what’s his depression.
So many times he questioned our relationship and thought that maybe that’s the reason why he is so unhappy.There’s nothing I can say anymore.
I gave him his personal time,his room,I don’t ask him to do anything with me anymore.Everything he always tried to explain to me about his needs,I gave it to him.I’m alone all of the time.And it’s still not enough.He still has thoughts of leaving.He hates himself for not wanted to spend more than five minutes per day with me and his solution is to leave. I don’t know how long can I stay mentally healthy and sane.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop feeling like him.At least i won’t feel sadness.He takes diazepam every single day for the past year or so,to keep him sedated all of the time.I wish I can do that too.It would be nice not to care anymore.
This was extremely painful to read but it also brings me hope and understanding. It’s like reading exactly what is happening with me and my partner.. Ex really but I haven’t quite come to terms with it. It’s been 6 weeks since it got really bad. He gets worse and worse by the day, pushing me away completely while saying he still loves me and it’s me that’s pushing not him, in selfish and all I care about is myself and getting back with him. I don’t care and I don’t want to help. About 2 years ago he made an attempt to commit suicide because he thought I was leaving him.. It was the most painful experience of my life. Agonising. He is my absolute everything, my heart and soul and I believe we are meant for eachother and now it’s spiralled out of control again. He’s left and moved out. Asks me to leave him alone, he needs space. I can’t help and everything I say is wrong. I’m such a desperate girl. The more I hold on, the further he goes. He says he’s been crying out for my help but I wasn’t there.. He threatens me daily with taking his life again and I can’t do anything but break apart. One of the things he started doing was latching himself onto a friend of his. I immediately thought he was having an affair but it doesn’t seem that way anymore. I’m just not sure. She has cancer and takes him away from his own pain and problems. He’s pushed me away and this girl who he says means nothing has his attention. I love him so much and i get beaten down while they have no emotional ties and they are stuck at the hip it seems. am i being delusional in hoping hes not seeing her? hes done this before.. the first time he got depressed he HAD to help this other girl who had an eating disporder.. pushed me away and kept her close. he ended up coming back to me in his own time after a lot of pain and struggle and then he took an overdose. I have become his enemy and this is my fault, I’ve put myself in this place. I’ve been clutching at straws and I can see I’ve only made things worse by trying so hard to bring him back to the man he was, with me. He’s always said he just needs to be left alone to sort himself out, to get over this. He’s always loved me and never stopped and right now I’m not helping to get him better. When I read this I felt like it wasn’t just me. I’ve been feeling so alone and empty and like I’ve pushed my boy away from me and it’s all
My fault and I’m the one to blame. I should be able to keep him happy, to keep him safe and I haven’t. This is my fault. I hate to admit but I had an accident a few days ago and I took a slight overdose because I felt no way out, no escape. He came and found me.. He said all he wanted was to get better so he can come back to me. He can’t be around me cos he can’t see me cry anymore and I just make things worse and this girl is helping him
To get better and he doesn’t have to worry when he’s with her. He also said I might as well think of him as dead because that’s what he’s gonna do. How can he say that and expect me not to react? To not feel agonising pain?! Last night he went off on a joy ride on his own. I tried to talk him out of it and things went very badly. I said I will just leave him alone but always be here. Every minute of everyday is pure hurt, I can’t work because I’ve made myself so ill. I don’t leave my bed.. I just want him to be okay and be with him. People keep telling me to carry on with my life but I can’t, I need to believe he is still in there somewhere and hope is all I have. It gives me a lot to know that it’s not just me, I haven’t pushed him to this. I will not give up ever and I’m sure that will make life hell but that’s all I can do. I’m worried if I give him space he will forget me.. Silly I know. What do I do? Should I leave him to get on with it? What if he tries to take his life again..? I know he’s been put on Anti depressants and is seeing the doctor but as the tablets make you worse at first.. He’s my giving them a chance to work. I am very willing to stick this out because I believe in him in my heart but I’m not sure of what I need to do.. How to act. What to say. What to believe when he tells me he still loves me or that this girl is nothing, I don’t know. I’m so lost and mixed up. If one more person says move on to me so help them!!! He says I had my chance to help him, he was crying out to me and I ignored it because I’m so selfish. I’m pretty sure she is whispering in his ear at how selfish I am too.. I haven’t been able to get it!! I love him and care for him and just want to make his pain go away.. How can that be selfish!? My family and friends don’t get it and think he’s just trying to get away from me and he’s just a nasty person.. My mum even turned to me and said he’s pretending to be depressed and suicidal to get away from me. He gets so angry and says they are feeding me lies and he will always love me. He’s always had a problem with anger and depression since we met. The year we go together I had lost 3 members of my family and he had lost 4 of his best friends in a car accident. I also suffered a miscarriage at 5 months which hit us both pretty hard but we never spoke about it. We have both been a bit of a mess but have always stuck together.. His parents turned round and said to me he’s always been like this and you should know what he’s like by now. What!? Why didn’t you get him help when he needed it!? He’s always crying out for their attention but they certainly don’t give it. Things have never been easy since we got together and now this.. But I know in there somewhere he loves me and I know he does too but he says there’s nothing left of him anymore and he needs to die. I’ve thought so many times about having to get him sectioned if it gets too far.. What else can I do if he tries to kill himself again? I can’t even bare the thought. I’m at such a loss as to what I need to do. I’m just beyond desperate. Sorry this is so long, it feels good to get it out and to know I’m not the only one going through this.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through Kelly.
There are two important things you must do; the first is to start looking after your own physical and mental health again and the second is to give your ex a LOT of space.
By all means tell him that he knows that you are here for him if he needs you, but then back right off – he will not forget you. Send the odd text if you wish, maybe every couple of weeks, just to say you’re thinking of him, but don’t ask him anything or expect a response. I know this will be difficult for you, but if you continue to try and hang on to him, it will just push him further away.
Have you considered getting counselling for yourself? It’s important for you to be emotionally and physically healthy again so that you will be in a good position to help him if he needs you.
Also take a look at the Depression Fallout message board forum and consider posting on there. You will get lots of good advice from people with more experience of this than myself.
Best wishes, K
I was shocked at how exact this article was to my current situation down to the exact same comments. The most painful part is knowing the depression has won such a victory over our family.
My gf left about two months ago, after 6 years together totally out the blue, Over a text she didnt even want to see me, till i forced her to so she could explain..She told me she didnt love herself, therefore how can she love me,that i understood, so i give her some time..afew weeks later i got in contact and she hit me with aload of blame i didnt do this or that,and she wasnt happy for some time. This broke me as we where great together..I soon followed with the first phase of depression fallout i blame myself for the relationship’s problems and was totally bewildered & confused. Then about 3 weeks ago she came out and told me it was nothing ive done it was all about her and how she felt within herself, Then things made sense to me for the first time since we split shes depressed again, but hid it this time and still is. I say again because she was diagnosed about 14 months earlya. 5months into seeing eachother her mother died suddenly, and she was left to bring up her 10year old brother,now 16,and her best friend died about 3 years back after giving birth, I kept her sane and going all these years, i dragged her the doctors last year when she was diagnosed as she had thoughts of dying, shes never had any grief concealing no outlet but me to talk to or just to get angry at, i didnt mind ive loved her from the start and would never leave her to deal alone, But this time shes totally cut me off wont respond wont see me, Im losing my mind i know it says dont take this personally, but its so hard not to. It just seems like im the one whos been singled out by her depression, why this time has she chosen to do this without me? If im not the problem why is she treating me like someone who dosent matter.
Ive learn t alot about depression now trying to understand her, but none of this is easy at all.
Thanks for listening to me rant.
thank you for this information, i finally feel like i am not alone and understand the crazy text rants….some would bring us closer followed by silence, followed by rage ….
my husband left the day after christmas and knows it’s his depression (hidden since he was 14) but is still looking to blame me for the falling apart.
he needs to blame someone for the pain – he has hurt me to the core, but i love him and understand its the illness talking.
we no longer speak in any form and i hope this helps him see those horrible feelings he carries don’t go away just because i’m not there but he must face them.
i don’t want to give up on him but everyone in my life says to move on. torn apart inside.
every effort i make to move on feels like cheating (haven’t gone out with anyone else, but attempted to meet people on line, made me vomit- literally)
i have no idea what he’s doing? he could be with anyone, i wouldn’t know. he wouldn’t answer that question at all.
Hi all
My beautifull girlfriend of nearly 3 years left me without any warning 9 days ago. I came home from work to have lunch and see her and all her things were gone , no note just a doorkey left on the table. She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression months ago and has been on medication. She started to goto yoga classes and meditation and I supported her with all this , I thought things were getting better she was even talking about going back to work. I rang and text her with only one reply of ive left you dont try to find me. My world has fallen apart she was the love of my life and i feel like i cant live without her. After trying to contact her a few days later i was issued a restraining order and have to attend court in a couple of weeks. She thinks i want to hurt her and has told her solicitor things i said in jest and twisted them to make me sound like a monster. I know now she is suffering this awfull disease and she believes what she says it breaks my heart that she thinks i want to harm her. My friends and family have been very supportive but nothing will make me happy again all i want is my girl back the house is so empty ive never felt this scared or alone. Reading this website has helped as like many of you have said the storys and accounts on here are so similar to mine its frightening. I just want her back so i can look after her and i pray every day she does.
Hi Paul,
I just wanted to say im sorry to hear about your situation.
I am recently in a similar one myself. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years dropped a bombshell on me a few days ago, that he has never really felt happy in our relationship, and he doesn’t feel loved by me. He said that he thinks we should ends things because he is so worthless and not worth loving.
The worst part about it is he always seemed so happy and told me he loved me – which makes me feel like the whole relationship has been built on a lie. My boyfriend suffers from extremely low self-esteem and has basically shut himself off from everyone who loves him – and now including me. He is obviously putting up emotional walls because it is easier than him dealing with his issues.
I told him that i love him, and still want to be with him, and help him through this as much as i can – i am prepared to do anything he needs to feel better – individual counselling, couples counselling, taking a break for him to reassess things.
He is the love of my life, and i was so excited about our future together – now it all seems to have blown up. I am devastated, hurt and confused. The worst part is he refuses to get help because doesn’t acknowledge he is depressed at the moment, despite being diagnosed in the past and showing many classic signs ie. feelings of worthlessness, feeling incapable of happiness, low self-esteem, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, self hatred and hopelessness, social withdraw, pushing people away, reduced sex drive etc.
I am very scared also because my whole life has been turned upside down by this decision. I have to move out of the house we share, and quit my jobs which i enjoy. I am praying that he will come to his senses and realize this decision is being clouded by his depression, and he is just reacting to this by pushing me away.
Three months ago my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me after a year saying that he was proving to himself that he let me down and that he felt worthless loving me. He works two low-income jobs and doesn’t have much time or money. I live about 4 hours away and so he isn’t able to come see me or take me out on dates when I’m in town. The week before he broke up with me he was so depressed and told me that he was ‘wasting my time.’ He refuses to talk to me and the last time I heard from him he hasn’t left his house and hasn’t gone to work. I’m so worried about him because I know he gets depressed but he’s never been in this dark of a place. I hate not talking to him because I hate leaving him alone when (he’s told me this) I’m the most important person to him and the only person he loves. I just hope every day that he will get through this and I can help him get professional help.
I just read through this and it has helped bring some perspective to what I am going through.
Im 25 and completely fell head over heels in love with my ex, as did she. Everything was perfect, i built relationships with her family, we discussed the future alot. She told me there was a bigger picture with me and even at xmas she said she had completely fallen for me and couldnt wait to be with me forever.
Only 2 weeks later she completely detoriated and was diagnosed with severe depression for the first time. She tried to push me away, and I fought back until after a few weeks she finally ended it, saying that she felt mistreated by me. Although I can sort of see where she is coming from, I dont agree with that and 2 months later we know longer talk. I am getting councilling as I genuinely feel i lost the love of my life and I cant understand how i went from being her world to nothing just like that.
Reading this has helped. I can begin to understand that in her mind events and activities are now different. The depression has changed her views and thoughts, and she blames me for things and doesnt love me anymore. And I feel like if it wasnt for the depression, things would be different, despite what she says.
Her reactions to what she believes where signs i no longer loved her were extreme, and despite her own mother trying to keep us together and talk it through, she wants nothing to do with me.
I decided i need to get on with my life, no matter how much I love her. Waiting for her wont bring her back. I told so many times how much I loved her and i would be there for her, but she doesnt want to here it. She wont get therapy, she just takes her medication and gets on with it, not talking about it, and not getting support she needs. Looking back, there were warning signs in her behaviour like her extreme low self esteem and questioning of why i was with her.
I feel everyday like i just need to let her know again that im still here and that i love her, but i talk myself out of it, because I have to believe when she is ready to talk about it she will. I dont think she will, and i feel like im letting the best thing that ever happen to me
walk away, but it has to be her that gets better and be ready for it.
I expect she will get herself another guy soon, she may already have done and it will break my heart. But this one is beyond my control. and thats the hardest thing for me to find.
Hi Chris
Sorry of course to hear you are going through all this and I know how it feels best as one can. I too thought I found the one and being more than a decade older and single all my life I thought there was no going back when I met him as neither of us had ever felt so connected, in love and had a best friend…but it seemed to be tainted by the past and what I realized all too late was an avalanche of depression waiting for us…him but it soon took me with it. he came back and forth even though he left saying how he loved me but he was just no good and toxic. (anyway long story and under final breakup section. But I wanted to say I think your brave and strong to deal the way you have…its not easy.
I still desperately want to talk to my ex daily -thought it would fade by now. But I cut it off after 9 months of yo-yoing after he left me when he seemed worse not better. I said no contact because I loved him too much. He gave me nothing just said never wanted to hurt me an loved me and listened to me cry. Then after 4 months of trying to heal he started IMing and it wasn’t great timing for me but I was open and let him know he could talk but seemed he had nothing to say so I shut down and now 2 months later its eating at me that I ignored it all -hell I have no idea how he is not one clue -maybe that is what really kills me. And I have been trying to get the courage to call him.
I understand not wanting to think of another -everyone wants me to date but I still cant think about it….well I try and then I seem to freak myself out. I have done a lot to progress my own life and its helped. Though getting out to meet new people is hard -mostly as I am just over going out and was before I met him, but I try to develop. I am working on strength to just try online dating and see about a few non committal dates—-I will let you know if I manage and if I come up with any advice. hang in there.
Thank you so much for all of this information, it has really been helping me make more sense of what is going on with my partner. My girlfriend and I dated for two years through college, I just recently graduated and moved an hour and a half away for work. For about two or three months I would travel back to her place every weekend to spend it with her until recently when she decided the long distance was too much for her to handle.
She has had some tragic events happen in her past and she suffers from depression. As long as I am there with her she seems to handle the depression well, but when I would leave during the week she would sink back into the depression. Well about a month ago she decided she was tired of going through this cycle and called it off between us.
Now she claims that she is still in love with me and that she wants to make this work, but she just has to take care of this herself first. I can understand her wanting to take care of this first, but what I don’t understand is everyonce in a while she will spend the night with a guy friend that way she, as she says, “won’t be alone”. From the conversations that we have had I really truely believe she is not having sex with him, in fact I don’t even think she wants to spend the night with him. She says that she gets so lonely that she just wants a warm body next to her, and she seems to regret doing it everytime it happens.
I have been trying to convince her to go see a therapist and after her skipping many appointments, I think I may have finally convinced her to go. We got into a big argument last week about her lieing about going spend the night at the guys house and I told her that if she didn’t go see a doctor she did not stand a chance of ever being with me again. The next day she texted me and told me she has an appointment for next week. Her appointment is tomorrow so hopefully she will go.
This whole ar deal has been really rough on me, I care about this girl very deeply. We were discussing plans to get married and everything. I really feel like she is “the one”. If she would not suffer from depression and had such a rough past this would be much easier on me because I would of just given up on her and looked the other way. But because she suffers from depression I find it really hard to give up on her, I know this is not her taking these actions but instead the result of the depression. My question is, what should I do, what role should I try to play in this situation? I want to be there for her, but this whole ar deal is killing me inside.
I wish I had better advice -Ive tried and failed at getting my ex to seek help….but I can say that you cannot tell them what to do or even say “I think” it really has to be them. That is the hard part as it looks and seems simple to us, but its not. (see my other posts her and on final break-up). I too feel -felt- that he was and is the one…as you can see I’m still coping as I cant seem to get it all behind me, but what I do know is not matter what he is not next to me at night anymore and he is no longer holding me when I need someone -so maybe he loves me and I love him but until he faces it Im alone and have to find a way to survive. I hope you have friends and things you can work on while you decided how much of a role you can play in her life. Keep busy and work on you….depression is sadly contagious so try not to let it get so bad like did that soon you find yourself in a dark place
hang in there…feel free to reach out. Though I am still coping myself I dont know how much I can help but feeling not alone I know has helped me.
Yes, I echo you all. I often get the “You don’t know what a depressed person needs” when I make any comment. And I know better than to suggest “snapping out of it” etc. I mean any comment like maybe you could go see a different doctor and even hand him the name of one I researched for hours for him. Or if I even suggest that he may need some support, a friend–he gets very angry. It’s hard. Just days before this sudden change, I was his confidant . . . and main support. Suddenly I went to his enemy overnight. He’s even huffed when I have said, ” I am not your enemy here” since the sudden break up he made one night out of the blue. I have even said “I care about you even if you don’t care about yourself”…but then he uses third person and tells me “That guy is gone. This is the new guy.” I’ve tried to be brave and tell him after months of very little contact that “this new guy” is not acceptable…that the other guy deserves more. Then again I am to blame. He needs to be alone. I’ve made him upset so upset he has to spend a week to just reflect. And what I do then is worry another week, make a small positive connection with him that turns to shit in a matter of minutes. : ( . . . I know it’s not rational because he and I are looking at this in two very different ways. He thinks and states quite frankly and callously that any help I provide has an agenda that is self focused. He’s even said to me during a ten minute picnic lunch I barely had him attend that I had “trapped him” there…and then when I stood up for myself and told him I didn’t trap him, I just cared–I mean really, trapped him? He’s been a monster to me and this is some joy ride, all that defense in me creeps up. I get angry. And bitter. At him but also the depression. And so sad. We had something so special. And If I try to show him the larger picture of us as another article on this site mentioned well then that is entirely too much—there is the agenda I must have to trap him into not being alone in all this–or whatever this trap is. It’s confusing. Painful. So I will then leave him alone–a week usually or once during the past three months I even did no contact for three weeks. I get so nervous when I do contact not only with concern about how he will respond, but the condition I will find him in. . . but then there are times like at the end of the picnic when he hugged me, tight, close, hard–for the first time since he left us…and himself—and I could feel the pain and closeness. It hurts. I want to help him and help us. And to add to it my father is sick in the hospital. He has cancer. I’ve had nights where I truly needed him and then I get so angry at all of it..and so lonely. He goes from telling me to “move on, give up” to after some breakdown in some conversations admitting he thinks about me a lot, worries about losing me…recently he said most hopefully he was “holding on” to us and getting some new glasses. Ironically this comes now, three months of being rejected, abused verbally, told that I was “ridiculous. It had been xxx amount of weeks, MOVE ON. My feelings are not mutual..etc”….he went from saying one night I was his everything to vanishing and pushing me out hard. . . but the last few times, he seems better. And I am worse. I spent months worrying, letting things like him saying to “move on. Don’t worry about me. I dont want you to” and letting that turn over and over in my head for weeks before reaching out again–and having him tell me “I didn’t mean all of those things. That’s a crazy person talking.” What? Well, I let them roll around for three weeks, how could I not? Now that I think he is starting to unwind and hopefully lift out of this depression…I have given up. Not because I wanted to. Not because I dont love him or believe in us. Not because I dont care if he gets better. But because he so drastically went from my best friend and lover to a person who saw every move I made as one with an intention and a person he abandoned–whether he did it or his depression did it, he was gone. No calls. Not Text. No contact unless I engaged him. However, he did always respond. We went from never fighting to fighting every time I have had contact since the April break up. And the contact has not been frequent. Often it’s because the conversation is so awkward. . .he says he can’t say anything…anything he says will not come out right and if you ask him anything –even as simple as I miss you. . . you can feel him nearly breakdown from some “pressure.” Of course I want to know if he misses me!!! I’ve been feeling so confused and alone. . and then eventually he will say things and I know they are genuine but he acts like he is scared to commit to any thought he is having. It’s painful to watch a man go from being able to lean on me, let me in and trust me to watching him lose himself, change completely over a slow period of time, and then watch him not trust me, push me out, etc. The past two conversations we had he seems to be saying much more positive things. Even called me baby. . . however, I am now in a different spot. The past three months have been hard for me, painful, I have been angry, sad, worried, confused, alone, sad and worried again, angry again. I have said things I didn’t mean. Although he has been better the past two conversations, I have been angry, and upset…and feel foolish. I am not sure what happened but I just flipped a switch and my defensive mechanisms kicked in . . I have felt unimportant. I have felt guilty and like I did the wrong things to try to support him when he was with me “in this”, I feel sad that such a special relationship and years of friendship just zap were gone. I feel horrible that he is so different and feels defeated. I was confused that he wanted me to care, but didn’t. And now I am hurt. Deeply. I dont know if I will ever repair from this. It broke my heart. I do know that sadly as he is starting to perhaps see some light, I am in the dark. I am broken, sad beyond belief and have lost my faith in the way he feels about me. . . and all the while telling myself it’s the depression, not him, still doesnt ease the pain. I am afraid if he does come back, I wont be able to trust again. . . and if he doesnt I also wont be able to trust again. It’s a lose lose. I miss him so much. Giving up on us is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but the past three months have been emotionally exhausting and I am out. And I know, it’s been ten times worst for him—I do know that. Depression destroys true special connections. It makes me feel very lost.
It is very comforting to read all the stories on this site, as currently I am in a state of abject misery over my ex-partner, who left me two weeks ago very suddenly and out of the blue. As far as I knew, nothing was wrong and our relationship was very healthy (although clearly it wasn’t). He was being attentive and sweet to me right up to the very last. And then I phoned him just for a chat, and he sounded strange so I asked if he was okay. And then it all came pouring out. No, he wasn’t okay, he’d been feeling unhappy with the relationship for a while, and he didn’t think he loved me anymore. He had gone off sex and felt that I was pressuring him into a committed relationship, which scared him. He came round that night and brought all my things back to me. And left after twenty minutes, during which time he could not bring himself to say anything except that he felt the ‘spark’ had gone out of the relationship, that he did want a long-term relationship but not with me, and that he just didn’t feel the right kind of love for me anymore.
A few days later he sent me an email which said a little more, and that weekend he brought some more of my things back to me. He said he wanted to come in, so I let him in and he started talking about things and suddenly he just burst into tears and put his arms round me and wept on my shoulder for ages. And then started talking, as if he couldn’t stop the words coming. Said he knew he had a problem, that it had happened many times before with his ex-girlfriend, that he was still messed up over the breakup of his marriage six years ago and the loss of his children and that whenever he saw the children it all came flooding back and that he would sink into a massive depression. He actually ended our relationship two days after he’d taken the children home to their mother, and had a bad argument with his wife when he dropped them off. He had spoken of these feelings before, but had said that it had got better since he started seeing me. He also said that he’d been through several periods of counselling to try and sort it out, but they had not helped and that he wasn’t prepared to go for any more counselling because it didn’t make him feel better.
I had a couple more texts from him, just being friendly, but no contact for a week now. It’s clear to me that he is suffering depression, probably caused by the breakup of his marriage six years ago, but I really don’t know what to do. Is it better for me to stay away and have no contact, to give him his space since that seems to be what he wants on the surface? Or would it be better for me to contact him and let him know that I’m here if he wants to talk, that I’m still here for him? But I’m also worried about myself. I have a small child too and I don’t want to get into an on-off, up-down roller coaster of a relationship because that will hurt both me and my child. I’m hurting so much over this and just don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice would be gratefully received.
Hi Maria
I understand how you feel…its like we are talking about the same man. I am not sure I can be of help really -but I wanted you to know that someone out here understands and is listening- as I am still battling getting over my ex. He left me a year ago out of the blue and even now I look back and feel like it was the last thing I would expect he was only seemingly battling things for a week -but hell it was the week his ex of 6years was putting him through it in court and loosing all his money and his kids -well I expected him to be depressed and struggle but I assured him I wasnt going anywhere and he said he loved me and we would be ok.
All I can say is when he contacted me again at first -a few days after and then two weeks- it was horrid I wasnt ready and still beside myself and it went bad as he just needed to hear I was ok and have some guilt off his plate, but I couldn’t do it and I couldnt be understand I just wanted him back. It took a bit again to talk and I pushed him away and finally said we had to meet after a few months of his contact…we cried and talked he had be only sober that night to meet me since he left and I was devastated but knew I could do nothing. I let time pass and he called again as missed me and was confused that everyone said all he did was talk about me and they knew he loved me -but he felt I deserved better. it took time we slowly became friends of sorts but always the love was there and then we tired -I thought things were better since his son at least was back and he was working more but at least paying off more.,,,it didnt last long till I realized he never asked about me and was just depressed -it was even worse that time to break it off and it was my choice. now after 4 months he is back contacting me with puzzle like emails and I am not sure I can deal -that im ready
So sorry to share so much but I wanted you to know that sometimes even though we love them it does little to help -they dont love themselves- and somehow it can even make them feel more failed as they can take care of us…not our faults but it can feel like it we want to save them. we cant. I know you want to call desperately but let him contact you…he will but dont talk until you are truly ready and can handle hearing what you may not want to hear. I wasnt and it made me more depressed and him upset -you dont need two depressed people in you life. Take care of you and if and when he is healthy and you are strong enough talk. Maybe your story will be better. No matter what do what you need for you.
I am sorry you have to deal with this and I know its like death -its not easy and many people do not understand what you are going through and its never easy or simple to walk away. I am not sure I really did or can now hes back but I am being strong as I have to protect me…and you have to do the same.
Hang in there it will get better…even if it dosent seem like it. I still love my ex with all my heart and if he can love himself we may one day be able to try but if not I have to treasure what was good and know one day I will have all that was good and more with someone who loves not just me but themselves….and so will you.
Cass, thank you for your understanding words. It sounds like your ex is in a similar place to mine. I feel stronger today, and I know in my heart that you are right. I should not contact him because he made the decision to leave, the last thing he wants therefore is me pestering him and if I contact him now it will be too hurtful for me, however responds – unless he says ‘I made a mistake, I want you back’ and that isn’t going to happen. I wish I knew that he were okay, mainly. I know I’m stronger than him, deep down. I will probably bounce back again fairly quickly and get on with my life, in time – whereas he is permanently stuck in a pit of depression and anxiety over his ex wife and his beloved children. I just wish that he could have talked to me about how he was feeling, earlier, instead of landing it on me like a ton of bricks – that is the hardest thing to understand for me. But for now all I can do is just get on with MY life, and hope that in time he feels that he can talk to me about things and let me into his life even if it is just as friends. I know that one of the main problems for him is that he’s terrified of a similar thing happening if he gets too heavily involved with someone else, and as soon as he starts to feel those feelings he backs off. He’s said that to me. I do think that men find it much harder to move on after a bad break up, depression or no depression, comparing all subsequent relationships to the bad one. What can we do about it? Not much, I guess, just carry on and try not to get dragged down by it all.
Maria
I am glad to know I could be of some comfort or at least make you feel as if your not alone in all this…its not easy. I know people tell me all the time to just get over it and move on and I know its not so simple when you love and care about someone and they are sick. And yes that out of the blue feeling and being hit with what feels like a ton of bricks is the worst. Don’t try to read into the why -its depression and it give no clear answers and it comes like this. Best advice don’t look back to try to see where it began or what you could have done – you did what you were supposed to he hid it intentionally or not and looking back is only torture.
I do want to clarify one thing off of what you said about, “pestering him” -first of all don’t ever think of yourself in such a way -its normal, you care and thats what we do when we care and love people. The problem isn’t bothering him and what he needs, but what you need. He is not in the right state to take all you say with the heart you intend it as well. I do believe that that my ex -and yours- do really love us, but right now they have to love themselves to be able to fulfill that love and they have to do that themselves. They do -and he will come back in some way, ready or not -so you have to be ready to make the decision and set boundaries on what you can handle when he does. Its not easy, but don’t sit in wait and torture yourself -your worth more.
As for being friends one day be careful, as I know he will probably ask you to saying that its all he can give you and doesn’t want to loose you. But when you love someone it doesn’t shut off and being friends is beyond difficult. My ex and I spent the last year back and forth with that idea and in the end neither of us want to be friends -he wants the fantasy he feels he cant give me and I want him back-the real him, so it only can last so long before were hurt again. Truth is its never going to be the same and I can be ok with it as long as he gets help and is happy with him, but he must believe it and that is the true struggle, so even if we can live with it how long can one wait. I had to set a limit and when I found I was constantly just waiting for my best friend to ask how I was and be happy I knew I couldn’t wait that it was beginning to destroy me. Watching the one you love not fight is hard for even the strongest person. So I left him in that final end for me -for us so it wouldn’t be ruined by more bad memories than good.
Now his trying something to get back into my life and I know why -he never lied he loves me and misses me. After 4 months of nothing its become to much -it is for me too at times I do think of him all the time and wonder, worry and care. but the real question to ask now he’s contacting me is; “what has changed” and that is not easy to ask or find out sometimes. That said its about you in the end and what you can take and where your at in your healing. Right now I’ve left him hanging -as he has me- since I am not yet sure I can handle the answers to my questions nor if he can give them too me. Hardest part is to push aside the hope and love for a good look at reality. I have a lot of things in my life right now good and bad I need to deal with and I am not sure I’m ready so if not he will have to wait. Maybe I will -or you will- never be ready to engage them again and that’s ok. If you can be friends don’t focus on the past and what was but what is.
I wish you all the best and hope you find peace soon.
i feel the same way.
how am i going to accept what happened and move forward, without constantly questioning what he said and what happened in the past. He wants to be back together. but all i can think about is: its going to happen again, what is different now. He says I need to : make peace with what happened and move forward.
i love him and i know he loves me. but he is not always capable of showing his love due to the depression. should i really have to live this way? with a man who cannot express his love? he is so special to me. it is a scary thought to have to date again, and try to find someone this special.
it is hard for me to have hope and faith, that things will be different this time around.
he says we cant do this without hope, and i think that is true.
when I am with him, everything is great. all my hope is restored.
however, when i am with friends or family, i feel guilty when I tell them that I see him and talk to him. I have negative thoughts, when I see a couple that is happy, or Im at an engagement party, I think: that will never be us. we will never be that happy together.
why do I have such negative thoughts about the relationship when I still love him, want to see him and have a good time with him?
I cant put myself in that position again, dreaming of a wedding, marriage and kids. Im protecting myself. Now when I look at our relationship, I dont see these things. I think that means I need to end it, either that or I need to jump in with two feet and ignore my fears. Have hope or have fear?
Feeling torn and devastated. My husband left 8 ½ weeks ago. He will not speak to me at all and has only emailed. I was with this man for 10 years and love him dearly! He blames me totally and his parents and family condone his behavior. I try to just leave him be yet I still love this man. Everything I have read so far about depression and why they leave and how there mind is thinking seems to be exactly what I am going through with him. I am trying to move on and heal yet I have so many questions and absolutely no closure. I fear I will never see my husband again. I have been scared and in pain every day! I had no idea the pain one could feel from a sudden leaving of ones mate. It is like he went form totally in love and boom blew up and was gone in a blink of an eye. I never thought he would leave ever. What do I do? The pain is insane. I did seek help from a consoler. I want to be whole again. I fear I never will not with out him. I want my husband back and better. Yet with his family supporting this I do not think he will ever get help and just continue to blame me for him wanting to end his life and that I was just to mean to him. I am broken and it has been a tad comforting to read this blog.
I feel for you so much, it was like reading my own story. Do you have friends you can talk to, I know you said his family condoned him, but do you have someone for you?
I know I feel as though my life has ended, I don’t know this man at all, he is so far removed from the man I loved. I would never have believed this could happen. It’s a cruel, cruel disease.
I hope your husband begins taking steps to getting the help he needs.
I too have this blog and ‘depression fallout meassage board’ of some comfort, just to know other people are experiencing the same thing, helps in a strage way, not to be totally alone in this.
Shelley reading your description is so very similar to mine I have been with my partner for 10 years married 3 and all of a sudden he decided that I was his problem, I forced him to get married but a house etc, 2 days later he said that he’s always felt this way it wasn’t my fault and it was best for me to move on so that I could at least be happy. He moved out and hasn’t been back in 6 months. We were both family orientated and had family dinners once a week but now it seems like his family are blaming me too, I don’t hear from them unless I make contact and even then they seem abrupt. I know they hurt too I get that but no one besides you or others who are going through the same thing could ever know how it feels to be left behind by your best friend the person who you trusted completely with every aspect of life. They don’t stay at home alone at night craving their touch or crying because something stupid on tv reminded them of him…I do! Sorry for rambling I just really wanted to let you know your not alone and I hope and pray everyday that things will change…I hope they do for you too.
I dont know what to do as my fiance is alone and we are not to have contact until january. I’m scared I will lose him. I love him so very much. I’m scared that because I got him sent to jail that he will hate me and never want to speak to me. I just want to reach out to him. I’m also scared that he may take his life over this. how do I get the message to him that hes not alone and I love him with all my heart and I want him to be a part of our lives when we will get in trouble for contact?
Hello, My boyfriend is currently experiencing depression and this has been extremely difficult for me to deal with. He has been severely depressed for about 3 months now and we broke up about a month ago. The break up was more his doing because he didn’t want to keep me in the relationship since he didn’t have much to give. I resisted at first, but realized that I was also feeling some of the effects. I would be exhausted after speaking with him because he doesnt really speak any more and I had to make all the effort. I also felt as if I was becoming depressed myself.
Unlike some post on here, I have been extremely lucky that he has never lashed out at me. He is truly the most amazing man that I could have ever hoped for and this disease has taken that away from me. He is kind and has never blamed anything on me.I have been so angry at times and never meant to take it out on him, but unfortunately I think that I might have at times. He has been very pro-active realizing that he has a problem and going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He truly wants to get better and is doing his best. His psychologist suggested to him that we dot talk until he gets better because i might be putting stress on him that he shouldn’t have, like calling, talking to me, interacting.
We have been keeping in touch through texts and he wants me to keep him updated of any good news I have. He says that seeing me happy helps him. I am just so sad and hope every day that I can get him back. Has anyone else experienced something similar? I know that he loves me and I don’t question that, but he doesn’t say I love you anymore and that hurts the most because I know he does. He has mentioned that saying I love you to me is hard for him because he doesn’t feel like he can give me what I need. I would really appreciate anyone’s advice or personal experience as to why he can’t say I love you. Thank you.
Hey. I HAD to respond. I am experiencing depression as well (honestly bi-polar I) and I can only give you my opinion from personal experience: I have issues telling people I love them because I don’t love myself…..or rather my disease makes me think that way. And any experience I have regarding love be it major or minor WILL be grounds for the justification of my negative beliefs. Some ppl experiencing depression consciously and/or subconsciously remove a lot of positive around them, bringing them back to their original negative ideas….it is like a horrible wheel of internal suffering. I can’t say that my response applies to your friend, but hopefully it made sense coming from the mouth of a lady who also struggles ‘as we speak’.
I can relate to your story! My ex-boyfriend was dealing with depression and was withdrawing in the relationship. He placed a lot of blame of his stress on the relationship. He told me he had checked out and has no more to give. We unfortunately have not been in contact aside from returning personal items. I want to be there for him but he has made it clear that he is interested in no contact. I am seeing him at work on a day to day basis, and am not yet sure how to behave around him. I do have hope that he will come back to me once the depression subsides but he is not willing to get help as he fears he will only get placed on medication.
I too am dealing with the same. I work with my ex who has been on medication for depression for several years. He has a very strong personality and we often clashed. I recently caused an arguement to do with a colleage which resulted in me hanging up on him. He threatened my by text message telling me to call him or we were over, after 2 years together I was too upset by his reaction that I didnt call him and I fell asleep. I woke to a message telling me I was selfish and I didnt care about the affect my actions had on him. He said I thought more of my colleage than him and that we were never getting back together. The message ended with a simple Goodbye. I replied trying to explain, but I received no response. He has now blocked my calls and messages. I cant stop crying because I loved him so much and I really wish I could sit and tell him he is mistaken and I have always put his feeling first. I really want him to get in touch and seeing him at work ignoring me has broken my heart. I just want him back. I feel that I was justified in looking out for my colleage but he has made me feel that I was wrong to do so.
Wow, reading your post is like reading my own story. My boyfriend has been depressed for about four months, and sought treatment early. He has a lot of issues he buried for many years, and it’s going to take some time to work through them. Our home life got so stressful and sad that he moved out; both of us feared we would break up if he didn’t. He still says he loves me, but he isn’t sure how (he lost any romantic interest — including sex drive — a couple months ago). He has never been mean or angry toward me. More than anything he was overcome with guilt because he couldn’t give me what I needed in the relationship. Five weeks after he moved out, we’ve decided that we need to severely restrict how often we see each other because I am always overcome with grief when I do see him and it’s terrible for both of us. We still talk daily and are supportive of each other. I hope with all my heart that when he gets better, his love for me will reignite and he will come home. Right now I’m doing my best to take care of myself — massages, a healthy diet, counseling, all of that. But at the end of the day I just love and miss him so much. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through, and I suffered from depression for years myself!
I feel so similar to all of you on here and it does comfort me as when I talk to many friends they just tell me to get over it all and move on -find a new man. Like its so simple when you truly love someone and think they are the love of your life and soul mate- my best friend is hurting and I am supposed to just walk away. That guilt now has almost been the worst part.
My ex-boyfriend did very similar when he got depressed and pushed me out and broke-up saying he loved me and would never want to be with anyone else but could not give me what I needed and I should find someone who can give me what I need -mostly house and a baby. Nothing I said made a difference and I felt like I was dying it was so sudden and I said leave but he wanted to be friends and when I said it was impossible he was crushed.
We went sometime and he was always trying to reach out and I ignored it -it felt so cruel and unhealthy. Finally I we met and he was a mess had been drinking since the day he left and was crying at how depressed he was and how much he hurt me, but we made it through and were supportive and had some small bits of contact for awhile then it got more and then it got worse like it was my fault so I cut it off again but he came back saying he was sorry, more confused as he could not stop loving me and missing me -nor was I. We talked we were realistic and unsure if it was good so I talked to a friend who is a therapist and it was agreed that slow was ok and needed for us as the love was real and I wanted to be there good or bad. It was hard but ok for sometime -the love I could feel in him but it was burred deep and I was careful as I knew nothing I said would be right most of the time and I just tried to listen and protect myself and move forward for me in my personal life -some of which hurt him more as he did want to be there but had no energy and would feel like a failure or reconfirmed that I needed a better guy. After more than 6 months we decided to try slowly and we were doing good, he was doing good and things in his life were better -drinking was normal, money was better and one of his kids was living with him. But it was short lived and one day I realized it wasn’t really better at all as even the good stuff was not allowing him to see hope. When I realized he was sleeping his life away on a Sunday and not hanging on the couch with his kid -he was so down and it hit me I couldnt remember the last time he asked how I was and I couldn’t take it I was now crying and praying every night -I was a mess too and he didn’t even see it- so I told him I just couldnt watch the man I loved slowly die and he couldn’t talk to me anymore. I cried and cried and he just listen and then that was it for 4 months and now suddenly he is instant messaging me. Its a horrible time as we made it via the holidays and his birthday with nothing and now he’s reaching out when suddenly I have also felt like I hit my breaking point and dying to know how he is. I honestly have no idea anything about the last 4 months, but his messages are a little odd and I am confused on how and if to proceed to see what he wants and if he’s ok. Its taking a week to get a paragraph out of him and he asked how I was but no mention of himself and then said he found a truck that is perfect for me -mine was and is in terrible shape but that seemed to be one of the things that made him worse when he couldn’t fix it and buy me a new one so it seems scary to start a conversation with him contacting me to fix or help with something.
I am so scared right now though better as I am a fighter, but I do still love him just as much which is why I suffer with what to do. I don’t want to drive him away if he is better and needs support, but I cannot let myself back to the same place or I know it will kill me . If it were anyone else I would ignore them or just ask what the hell they wanted but while I am not giving much I feel like he needs to tell me what he really wants so I can decide to talk or not and I dont know how to ask. Have you been here in this spot when they come back and what do you do.
Sorry I share so much -I talk and write always too much:)
I see so much of myself in this post… it’s been quite a few months now, I wonder how you’re doing and how things turned out for all of you who responded to this post.
For me, my boyfriend moved out yesterday. I came home to find all his belongings were gone. He had been struggling with depression and ill health for the last 2 months. Last month when he fully fell into depression, he told me he wasn’t going to do anything rash, that he had started up his meds again and was going to give it a month. It’s 4 weeks in a couple of days so I guess he figured it was no longer time to be rash. He had told me at that time he didn’t want to drag me down, too, and that I deserved better. He had been in a severe depression about 3 years ago after he had been sick for about 2 years with a chronic illness. He was in a financially disasterous relationship at the time, withdrew from her, pushed her away and eventually just one day up and left (a pattern here?) He had told me several times that he got better once he left her because she was stressing him out with her out of control spending. I guess in his recent bout of depression he may have gotten to thinking that being in a relationship was causing too much stress, which makes his illness worse, and therefore if he left me then he will improve. But that’s all just conjecture on my part.
Like some of you here, my boyfriend (we’ve been together 19 months) NEVER lashed out at me, blamed me, or otherwise was mean to me. He was withdrawn and pushed me away by pretty much being comatose at home. When I came home after work yesterday to find him gone, he had left a bouquet of flowers, a card, and a letter. This guys is not very verbose, but he wrote a 2 page letter, and it was so kind, so loving, and so sad. It was the kindest break up I’ve ever had, which doesn’t make my heart break any less. In it he essentially said he isn’t happy with himself, he’s not well physically and mentally and need to “fix” himself on his own. Nobody can help him right now, not even his family and that he needs to do it this way. He can’t be here for me or give me the love I need and deserve as he’s got nothing to give anyone. He stressed more than once that I did nothing wrong, he loved every minute he spent with me, and that he was sorry he couldn’t do it in person but he was just too sick. I’m an important part of his life and wants to keep me a part of it and that we will talk about all of this in the near future. He answered my texts after I had a good cry and composed myself. I told him that I didn’t like it but I understood and that I don’t hate him (which he was afraid because of how he left). He reiterated again that he wants me to be a part of his life, but I’m afraid to look too deep into that.
Like most everyone here. I hope and pray that he gets better and that he comes back. Our relationship was so comfortable, easy, and fun. We also work together, though luckily in hindsight he was recently moved to a different department so I won’t have to see him every day like I used to. I hated that, and I believe that move contributed to his depression, but in this situation I think it would just kill me to have to see him every day or to know he’s avoiding me.
I worry that he’ll slide even deeper into depression because staying with me at least I took care of him, now who will, and it will make his absenteeism go up. Or worse still, become disabled again and not be able to work. I wish this horrible disease didn’t make them want to isolate themselves or think they’re better off “fixing” themselves alone. Why can’t he just let me take care of him like I have been and ride it out? I was knowledgeable enough to not get sucked into the vortex of his depression, and was feeling hopeful and pretty good this past week that he seemed to be improving. I know he’s doing it because he doesn’t want to hurt me or be a burden to me. But dammit, BE a burden to me, I’m saying it’s ok!
I just truly hope that he does indeed want me a part of his life, and that he’s going to get better now that he’s moved out. Like all of you here, I love him and he’s my best friend and can only hope and pray he responds to his meds and that he gets better.
My husband of 38 years has always been depressed, but it was poorly managed. It has been a roller coaster ride for all of these years with his being emotionally withdrawn and non -communicative. Of course everything wrong in the marriage has always been my fault. He lacks any kind of coping skills and would always isolate himself during family gatherings. Because of his inability to show true affection, our daughters suffered. I had to compensate for that. Our daughters have become strong, secure individuals and are highly successful.
My husband never really recovered from a broken relationship at 18 with his first love and often reminded me of this. Even threatened to leave me twenty years ago when she began calling him at work after her second divorce. He was wanting to leave then, but I got him books on mid-life crises. We worked through it and made it twenty more years. He was in counseling three times but refused to pursued it and refused to find the right medications. He continued to be withdrawn and angry.
In September 2012 he connected with this first love again, had an affair. He has since moved in with her and is still married to me and will be for at least eight more weeks. He is still sending me money for the bills but is distant and buisness- like. He is still wanting me to take care of things for him. I am struggling with the idea that his first love is going to make him happy and elimiate his depression. It is difficult to think she is enough, and I never was. His daughters want nothing more to do with him, and he has taken a grandfather away from his three beautiful grandchildren. The new woman in his life has moved 16 times in 30 years, has no property and rents. He has given up a new paid-for home to move in with this woman who appears to have no class.
Oh my goodness, this site is amazing and so much like my own story.
I have been married to my husband for 23 years, after 7 years into our marriage, he was diagnosed with clinical depression and from then it went downwards, he left me three times and I took him back as I felt sorry for him. He needed me, it seems he cannot live with or without me. Now he left me again 8 months ago and divorce proceedings are almost done. I have taken care of this man for over 23 years, through mostly bad stuff but there were good years too, and when he was with me, he was always on a lower dose of medication, when he left, the dose had to go up. He knows it too. Now the divorce is coming and I am here – alone looking back at my life and feel very lost as I have given everything in me to keep my little family together (we have one grown daughter) and I made everything good and a safe haeven. We both had a very comfortable life and did not miss anything.
I feel that now it hit me much harder than him, he is going to be with a thai import (as I call it). She is not in the country yet, but I am sure as soon as the divorce is through, this will happen. He still wants me as his friend as he knows that I will always be there for him. But is this fair to me? I can’t just forget 23 years and all the thorow I went through as well giving up my life for him. I have an extremely difficult time to move on. I am a very strong person but at the breaking point now, and I can’t understand why. I feel undesirable, not confident at all and very unloved. This is so hard.
Quit thinking you can not do without this man. This is not love it’s co-dependancy. It has just happened to me on 1/12/2012 and within 2 days he says he has met his “new” partner and is flaunting videos of her on his laptop and also his love bites! He morphed within one from a loving, kind person into a callous, verbally abusive stranger! I was totally blindsided but after a few sleepless nights I sprung into action – lawyer, realtor, finances , cars, dog custody. I am too old and clearly too smart to play the role of victim! I don’t CARE if he’s depressed, he has treated me with contempt and aggression so he can relive his youth. I’m organised and I’m calm and he is a stranger and a pretty nasty one at that. Incidentially I have suffered from clinical depression but I never was nasty and never failed my family and friends – I’m obviously not depressed now but I am seething with unexpressed anger but it is focussed in the right direction. Take your life back, you deserve better.
To me this doesn’t seem to be depression issue, more like, his need to go back to the “one” that got away. You deserve so much than this. And you deserve to be with someone who completely and totally loves you and only you. Let him go and find someone who really cares about YOU.
Thank you so much for this site and your posts. I went through a terrible breakup with a depressed partner two years ago, and although I have largely moved on, I still think about it often and the experience has certainly changed my life and colored the way I approach my current relationship.
I was with my boyfriend for four years, and lived with him for two and a half. There were certainly mental health red flags throughout our relationship, but it was when we moved in together that I realized that he suffered from severe depression. There were many days that he didn’t get out of bed, and many times we had to leave parties or social events because he would inexplicably start crying. He was accepted into graduate school in another state, and I issued an ultimatum that I would only go with him if he started therapy. He did, but after we moved he stopped going. Unfortunately, shortly after we moved my very close family member was diagnosed with cancer, and I became very consumed with traveling back and forth to care for this person and be with them while they were dying. My boyfriend’s depression ceased to be my priority.
He began to lash out at me, and also became extremely paranoid – accusing me of bizarre transgressions. He screamed at me one day because he wanted to know “why didn’t I call his sister”. I didn’t know what he was talking about but later deduced that he was referring to a time two years prior that his sister had asked him to have me call her, and I had sent her an email, instead. I also was subjected to frequent, inexplicable periods of the silent treatment. Later I would find out that he was angry because I didn’t answer his phone call and he had to leave a voicemail, or he didn’t like my tone of voice when I said that I didn’t want to try his soup when we were out at a restaurant. Long story short, I had to book an emergency flight home to be with my grandfather at his deathbed, and he picked me up from the airport and told me he was breaking up with me because I “was bringing him down”. He cancelled our lease and I had one week to leave. I told him that was impossible – my grandfather was dying and I could be called away any day to go to a funeral. To his credit, he re-instated the lease. A few weeks later my grandfather died and I went to the funeral, and came home to an empty apartment. Most of the furniture (including the bed) and the kitchen items technically belonged to him. He hadn’t moved out, though – he took everything (including the mattress and pots and pans) and moved it to the spare bedroom and installed a new lock. This means that I returned home from the funeral of my closest family member and was forced to sleep on the floor and had no access to my kitchen. I was essentially homeless. He wouldn’t speak to me and came home drunk every night and locked himself in the room, with the pots and pans and all of his other belongings piled to the ceiling. I found a place to live and moved out that week. When I tried to talk to him through the door, he said “I don’t owe you anything and just want you to leave me alone”. So, I did.
This post resonated with me because I never received any closure after this horrible breakdown. Clearly, he was depressed, but not in a position to talk to me or anyone else about it. When I contacted his friends they were at a loss. He had wanted to keep his depression private and never talked to his friends about it, so they just didn’t know what was going on with him and had no perspective. I regret not involving them and talking to them more about it during our relationship. His sister refused to talk to me. I tried to contact her many times, and I never got a response and she actually blocked me from emailing her. His mother is also mentally ill, his sister was pregnant at the time, and I think maybe it was too much for her deal with knowing that her brother was also sick.
I did get an email from him a few months later. It was just as this post describes – blaming me for everything. It described in detail the time that the dog had puked on the duvet and I didn’t apologize, the time he wanted to adopt a German Shepherd and I said I would only adopt a rescue dog, the time I was unsupportive because I set a ultimatum about his mental health issues. He even went so far as to call me abusive because I slammed doors when we argued about breaking up. I’m not a perfect person or a perfect girlfriend. But I’m not abusive, I’m not crazy, and I did really love him. It was a very painful experience.
At my request, we met for coffee about a year after we broke up. He was clearly not doing well. He tearfully apologized and finally admitted for the first time that he has an illness and needs help. I am, incidentally, a community health nurse. I sent him an email with information about depression, links to articles about treatment options and clinics that he could go to. He tearfully promised me that he would. I hope he did.
I just found this post that I made five years ago. He did get treatment. Sometime in 2013 I got an email from him saying that he had started medication and was regularly seeing a therapist. It wasn’t exactly a thank-you or an apology, but it was something. I was so happy I burst out into tears. I wrote about all the terrible things he did, but I fell in love with the person he was underneath his illness. I have no idea how he is doing now or even what he is doing – I don’t want to be in communication with him ever again. But I am so glad to think that our relationship, although painful for me, at least resulted in him seeking treatment for his illness.
Hi John, I’m reall confused and distraught by my husband leaving three weeks ago. About 6 months ago, he started acting bizarre, angry with me for the strangest things and told me he was unsure about the relationship. He started isolating himself, watching a ton of porn and smoking alot of pot.
In September, he was dignosed with bipolar disorder and quit pot so he could go on meds. About 4 days into the meds, he said he wanted a divorce and proceeded to go crazy for the next 3 weeks. He finally started stabilizing about 4 weeks ago He kept making excuses not to move out and i finally had to kick him out so we could have that space. he moved into his own place three weeks ago so he could be alone and (as he put it) deal with his demons and inner struggle.
Since moving out, we have been hanging out, going to yoga, kayaking, going for dinner. We are still so much in love. his friends and my friends are all shocked by this and his friends tell me he tells them how much he still loves me and hopes we can reconcile in a year (???!!).
I love him and so miss my best friend in my life. I don’t try to talk to him about our relationship right now as I do not feel he’s in any space for it so right now, I’m concentrating on our friendship and keeping it light. I won’t lie, I want us to get back together.
Do you think I’m doing the right thing by staying in his life? I give him his space and let him contact me. He said the other day that he had a really bad day after hanging out as he missed me. I told him we could go no contact and he said he would rather have the worst day of his life than not see me again. Everytime we talk and hang out, he kisses me and tells me he loves me, yet our marriage is essentially “over” for now. Any advice?
hi john,
my question for you…my boyfriend (of just 5 months, but we have been friends for over 12 years) 2 weeks ago told me he could not handle being in a relationship right now but didn’t know what would happen in the future. He was very clear that he wanted to remain friends and when I said it was hard for me to go back to being friends he seemed really upset and really wanted to make sure we would remind friends always. i told him that i felt like he was becoming depressed again and that he was not thinking straight and that all i could agree to was a break for him to clear his mind and take care of his issues (side note, the issues are big, he is currently going through a bad custody battle with his ex-wife over their two little girls. the mother is being accused of abuse by the one daughter and he is trying to gain full custody of them but i feel like he is hitting several road blocks in this battle and it is taking a major toll on him.) within the last month or so of us dating, i could tell this situation was 100% consuming him. it seemed as if he was constantly ruminating about this situation, making lists, talking about it over and over, etc. he started pulling away from me (i know now that it most likely was the depression) but i was starting to take it personal and was acting out of insecurities when talking with him. long story short, i have contacted him a few times since the break was decided but he will not talk to me at all. i still feel so bad that i didnt see how depressed he was until now and i was allowing my insecurities to affect our relationship. i want so badly to explain this to him but he will not talk to me. i know its a break but i dont know what to do. do i just leave him alone now for a while and hope that i can explain more to him in the future? he truly is my best friend and I don’t want to loose him. any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
My heart goes out to all here and to those whom depression has claimed. As painful as it is to read each story, it does help to know that I am not alone or crazy.
After 2 years of being cut out of a dear ones’ life, I think the most difficult aspect is the lack of closure. After countless attempts to help or be there for my friend, the Universe made it painfully clear that I was to step back and give the man space.
The last email I sent in September was a plea to save my sanity and be able to move forward in peace. Questions were asked to help me understand, so that I might heal and move on with my life. His reply? ” I can’t understand why you would still be hurting and the timing of your email is bad for me. I am busy with work and don’t have the time to formulate an answer for you.” It has been 3 months and I guess the timing still remains bad. I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to my questions or have the closure I so desperately seek….but I do know this my friends.
We are good people, who deserve to be in healthy, loving relationships. We did nothing wrong. Neither did our partners. We have all been victimized by an awful disease that spares no one. We will never get back the time we have lost, but we can turn this ship around this very second. I’m not saying forget or cut them out. I suggest we take care of ourselves and find ways each and every day to bring pleasure into our lives. Like neglected plants, we need water, sun and care. Nothing will please me more, then to know that my friend is happy, healthy and ready to enter another relationship. I want the best for him. I hope one day we can become friends again and that I will have more understanding of what his journey has been like. I believe everything in life teaches us a lesson. So many things have been brought to my attention and have been thought through. We can either rise to the challenge or let depression become our reality.
Love, Light and most of all….PEACE to everyone here. You are not alone and you and your partners will get through this. Take care of YOU first and send positive thoughts to those hurting. In time I pray that life will give us ALL the answers we need.
Fondly…Pam
thank you. simply thank you fro your words of wisdom
Hello John,
Like so many here, I’ve been in a relationship with a man who I believe is suffering from depression.
I don’t know where to begin really, but my DBF of 2 1/2 years has left me. He has totally cut me out of his life and will have no contact with me. He does suffer from depression, as had a bout 6 months after we were together, during which time he took 3 weeks off of work. Every time we would argue, he’d end our relationship (from a month of being together), but each time we resolved it and I thought were working towards a future together. DBF’s mother suffered from Agrophobia and I wonder if this has a link to his D. I’ve been reading some of the posts on here and so many of you say how your partner is such a loveable and good person who turns into this person that you don’t know. I feel just like that. When we’ve argued – before he walks out, he is fuelled with rage (sometimes for no apparent reason) and with this he screams, shouts, swears and basically I guess abuses me. I’ve learnt to remain calm and let him walk out and try to resolve the problem the next day. The thing is I do want to resolve things, but I can’t if he refuses to see me, speak to me etc. He blames me for everything that is wrong in the relationship. We had a similar situation about 4 months ago, which went on for about 3 weeks, where he blamed me for everything and told me all of the things that I did that needed to change to help us work. When we got back together, he wanted to take things slowly and we did and I started putting the changes in place. We were seeing one another far less, just weekends really, not as before when we saw one another every day (though he’s not the type of person who likes to be alone). I wasn’t even allowed to touch him at the start. I almost felt like part of it was to hurt me or to get some sort of attention. I’m sure it’s all linked to the fact that he suffers from some form of depression. However, we are back to square one. In fact, it’s worse, since I can’t get him to have contact with me. Is it possible that he will realise that the problem isn’t actually me? He’s not happy with his life. He’s a 43 year old divorced man, his kids are at uni so he doesn’t see them very often, he lives in his brother’s one bedroom flat and isn’t happy there, doesn’t like his job, all of his friends are married off and used to tell me how I was his world. I believe I was and that’s why I find this so hard. He was involved with my family, we spent nearly every evening together until the break up four months ago. I think he felt that things were worse when we tried again, because he wasn’t seeing me every day as we once were – but he was the one who wanted to do the baby steps. DBF was married for 20 years and post that and being with me, he had relationships, which would last for only 1 or 2 months because of something minor that the then GF would do (i.e. not make this tea the way he liked it). I’m assuming he would fly off the handle the way he has with me and it’s become a pattern. It’s just that I’ve gone after him to try to resolve things on each occasion and worked at our relationship. I know his dream was for us to live together and have it all. I can’t understand why he’d do this. It’s like he’s on a self destruct. Can I ask – as you have experience in depression, what do you think of this situation? As I say above, is there any chance that he will realise that the bad stuff isn’t us, but the other things that are going on in his life and that they’re the things that need changing? I appreciate any advice you can give and anyone else reading my comment.
Good luck to everyone out there who has a depressed partner. Stay strong if you can. I know sometimes it becomes unbearably difficult and so very painful. Hopefully the will to help and patience will override it all.
John:
My SO has pulled away, saying she needs time to herself. It’s classic depression turmoil, evidenced by the fact that I hear her voice in many of the things you have written, and all the hallmarks:
1) Dramatic almost immediate change from love, in_love, caring, etc. to cold distance
2) Saying things that make no sense, revisionist comments about the past year
3) Inconsolable, irrational anger outbursts
4) Mad that I would dare to try and contact her
When we first broke (when she first broke us) she said she’d need ‘several weeks’ to think things over. I was able to talk to her a few times at first, but she was very cold and agitated. Finally, with the help of this site, I got the message that she was pushing me away due to her illness.
It has now been three weeks since I’ve heard from her. That feels like an eternity, given that she was my best friend, my confident, and we talked continually (3-4 times a day at least, most days).
So my question is: Can I (should I) try to contact her? Do I have to play dead and just hope (seemingly against hope as each day goes by) that eventually she will contact me? I feel like I need to try. Try something. I can move on, but it seems so sad to throw in the towel on someone who just a few weeks ago was the love of your life.
Hi John,
Like many of the people below, I have a similar story. My boyfriend is suffering from depression and he recently broke off our relationship. The difference with us is that we still live together and aside from verbally telling me he doesn’t want me as his girlfriend, he is sometimes acting just like before… wanting to cook me dinner, go to the movies etc. which makes me believe we’re back to normal. I question him and hte break up, and he cries and says he needs to be alone and I deserve better, he can’t cope with whats happening in his head, doesn’t know whats happening in his life etc.
We sleep in seperate rooms and haven’t so much as touched in months, he keeps saying he’ll move out but isn’t taking any steps to do so.
I feel like I’m being pulled in a number of different directions- he wants me as his best friend (but only on his terms) but not as his girlfriend. He stays out late, and because I’m not his gf I have no right to ask where he is. I know he was “seeking support” (thats his term for what I call cheating) with another woman. The mixed messages are killing me. I want to cut ties sometimes, but his behaviour also sometimes makes me believe we can get through it because he doesn’t always hate me . He plays the victim, I am the bad guy…yet, he still wants to hang out.
I am so confused and I don’t know what steps to take, move on with my life based on what he says, or stick around as his bfriend based on his behaviour??
He is going to the doctor today to start meds, I’m hoping that they will bring some clarity to him- and in the benefit of our relationship.
How long do I wait? What do I do?
Hi Jenny,
I’ve been reading this site for awhile-this is my first reply to anyone. Your situation struck me because it is similar to my own. I’ve been told that “T” (my sometimes current, other times off depending how he feels) has been seen at various public functions with a woman who has been trying to come between us for some time now.
I can say this, I know that if my ex were willing to work together on how to relate in a healthy way while he is depressed, I could figure out if any sort of relationship with him is worth the challenge. And it IS a challenge…
However, I draw a line at cheating or as you referred to it -“seeking support”. Here is why…
Depression is an illness that will consume someone and cause them to say and do things that are difficult to forgive but, I feel like when I can step away from it, I know that he didn’t mean those things. Many of the things “T” has said to me don’t compute, sometimes he doesn’t even remember. I’ve come to an understanding that he is so deeply buried in his depression that he can’t maintain a healthy partnership when he is depressed (it occurs about every 3 months and lasts about 2 months-lately he’s just depressed altogether-things have been a mess for the last 5 months with maybe 1 good month).
To me, I feel strong enough to protect my own self esteem and self worth through all of this-and I assure you, it is not easy. (stepping away and not contacting him helps a lot because you can so easily get sucked into the depressed person’s vortex) But, I know that I could not bear the idea of him being intimite with anyone else. That is a deal breaker for me…
I recommend deciding where you draw the line…disconnect yourself from him completely for a month to do this. Yes, it is like an addiction or a diet you don’t want to be on…do not send that text, email or call, do not visit or find reasons to contact him…even if he has your favorite t shirt or cd at his place.
After a month, you will have hindsight (which as we know is 20/20) and be in a better situation to determine if this is a feasible relationship for YOU. You will be able to decided what you are willing to give to him and what you expect…you will have courage to say what you need with time elapsed because it will be clear and not clouded with wanting to save your SO from himself. (which we can’t do). If you decide that you want to stick by him, lay out your terms-including that he not give up on the two of you being an intimate couple if that’s what you need.
I am trying to do this right now. It’s been 2 weeks since “T” sent me a text message telling me he cannot be there for me at a time in my life that I needed his strength. I understand that he can’t be there right now-when he is depressed, he is in survival mode but, his leaving me through a text message has been devastating to say the least. A few days later, I am told he has been going out in public with the woman I meantioned above. They arrive together and leave together. He has sworn to that he could never be interested in her…so I ask myself then WHY do you go out for dinner, to public events etc…I don’t know why he thinks I could believe him. I am trying to step back right now and heal…
If the rumour is true, then she can deal with his depression (and I know what the end result of that will be ). If the rumour is not true, then I have a choice. I can choose to tell him how I feel -that I sincerely want to be there as an active participant while he gets help. No intimate involvement, just being allowed to be there and be present and walk alongside. I don’t think there is anything else we can do with our depressed SO’s. And if they are willing to let us in, one of two things will happen. They will find better health or…they won’t. If it is the latter, once again, it is our choice-to stay and be spun through the cycle of hatefulness and chaos or leave and know that our strength of being is meant to serve another purpose.
If they do find better health, I still believe there is a choice that has to be made but, my mind hasn’t made it that far…maybe I’m afraid to believe…afraid to be disappointed…afraid to risk again…
Above all, we cannot give away our power to choose in this or we become the victim. This isn’t healthy for ourselves and it isn’t healthy for our SO’s.
I hope this can help you…good luck.
thank you, louise, for giving me some perspective in how to deal with my own health while wanting to be “an active participant” in my ex’s depression and recovery. i’m trying to find answers – or maybe i’m simply trying to find the strength to do what i know i should – on this site and your post helped me tremendously. good luck to you – and others facing the diagnosis, either your own or that of someone you care deeply for.
Hi John,
I’ve found that a lot of the research I’ve been doing lately about depression, you have been involved in. So I’m desperately seeking advice on my situation. Recently my loving boyfriend of a year a half decided to end our relationship for now because of his depression. He’s been ill with it for most of his adult life (he’s now almost 26), and it’s been a constant struggle for him. He has been hospitalized 5 times for depression (4 for suicidal thoughts and 1, very recently, for an attempt). He has gone through different anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, etc, but hasn’t found any combination yet that really does the trick. He has been seeing the same psychologist, an 80 year old man, for the past 3 years.
I knew about the past four hospitalizations going in, and I’ve always done my best to support him and encourage him. He is used to people leaving him, and I never gave an inclination I would ever do so. He has drastically low self-esteem and is very much a perfectionist. He doesn’t have many friends, and he isn’t close with his family, so a lot of this support fell on me. Not that I minded in any way, I love him so intensely, and I still feel like he is my life partner. He is loving, supportive and does not have a mean bone in his body.
In the past 3 months or so of our relationship, he’s become increasingly distant and shut off. It seemed that the depression was getting the better of him. He became more involved with marijuana and alcohol. He’s still in college, trying to finish up his last semester, but very unhappy and trapped. He blamed our relationship for a lot of the stress, saying that he is confused and just doesn’t know about a lot of things. He knows that he loves me, but is so unsure about everything in his future, including me. We “broke up” a couple of different times, and I say this in quotes because we always kept in close contact and ultimately decided to give it another try. I continually tried to reassure him, saying that I’m here for him and will do whatever necessary to get him help.
This most recent time, he took 25 pills of Prozac, along with alcohol, and ended up in the hospital. He told me that he didn’t want to kill himself, he just “wanted things to change.” Well, he was admitted into a therapy program for depression (for about 6 days.) Everyday I visited him, brought him belongings to make him comfortable, cards, etc. He said he loved me for it and that seeing me was the best part of his day. One of the days, though, we had a discussion and he said that part of the reason he overdosed was because he is so overwhelmed by our relationship and making it “perfect.” He says he does see our relationship as perfect sometimes, but every now and again he has doubts. He’s this way about absolutely everything, mind you, wanting to make things “perfect” when they cannot be. We also went to a relationship counselor during his stay, and I thought a lot of things got cleared up.
Well, the day after his exit from the program, we met up and he ended things. He said that he needs time right now to focus on getting himself better. He wondered if we could be friends for now and see where things go. He said I’m the closest person to him in his life, and he loves me greatly. But there is something that doesn’t feel right inside him, and he needs to figure out what that is. He said there is a good chance this could be beneficial for our relationship, and make it even stronger. We’ve talked nearly every day, and he reassured me that he thinks everything will work out. He has never been angry or accusatory with me. He seems to want to continue to communicate every day.
It breaks my heart that he won’t let me be a part of his recovery process. I love and care about him so much, and I know he feels the same for me. I worry that through this process, he’ll decide that he doesn’t need me. That our relationship reminds him of a stressful time in his life. But we’ve had so many unbelievable, wonderful memories. We adopted a cat together and he said my family “feels like his family.”
We have talked a few times since then, and he has been saying that he feels better. He got a gym membership and has been working on his artwork. He’s on new medication, and it seems to be working. But then he also asked me, just last night, if I thought getting back into marijuana would be a bad idea.
There are so many unanswered questions: How can I be there for him? Will he come back to me? Should I cut off communication and let him recover on his own? Why won’t he let me be there? Is this the depression or just his doubt/worry about being perfect? Any insight would be much appreciated. Thank you so very much.
Well…..just as I thought things could not get any worse…..my ex partner contacted me yesterday in order to tell me that I would never be hearing from him again.He shouted many nasty and abusive things down the telephone and finished the conversation with a list of my “failings” as a girlfriend.None of the things that he cited were actually true.No one in my life has ever treated me with such disrespect or disregarded my feelings in such a way.I am left reeling by the content of the conversation….during which I pathetically tried to tell him how much I cared and still loved him (what the hell is wrong with me??)He blames me for asking him to seek help as he “cannot handle” the therapy.I have also discovered that he had been paying for web cam sex chats during the time we were together and I was desperately trying to help him with his depression.Can depression really turn someone into a spiteful abusive liar?My spirit and my self confidence are totally shattered and all I can do is cry and cry.Though it sounds self pitying ,I cannot understand why he has turned against me in this way.I adored him and did all I could to be a good partner to him.Has anyone else experienced this?I would like to think that I am not alone in being subject to this treatment (though I would not wish it on anyone) but now I am wondering how much can actually be blamed on his depression.I would be so grateful for any advice……I worry that my mental health is suffering .
Hi,
I too have gone through a similar situation. But I have been with my husband for over 10 years and we have 2 small children. I don’t understand why he’s left and so mean to me, but nice to everyone else. I miss my partner so much and am having a hard time moving on as this is what he wants. It’s fair to us as we did not choose this, and healing, moving forward seems like it will never happen. Let me know how you are doing if you’re still out there?
hi my fiance is suffering from depression , she has been taking medication for only 4 weeks.in this time,she moved out saying we need a break for a week,that changed to 2 then 4 weeks, yeaterday she txt me in the morning saying. goodmorning hun hope you have a good day . in the evening she txt sorry i dont want to be with you anymore . for weeks she has treated me badly with no respect , yet talks to everyone else fine . we had a loving relationship went on holiday 2 months ago that was great. since we came back she s just been miserable , down and dont want me near her . i love her with all my heart , and if her love for me was dead i would move on, but i just dont know . i would support her in every way possible for as long as it takes , but at the end of the day , if im not wanted should i leave her alone.
Hi,
Apologies for my delayed response.I am not having a good time at the minute.I continued to try and repair my relationship until a few weeks ago when I had to accept that things were over…..I have been destroyed by the constant rejection and misinterpretation of things that I said.I also had to accept that B (my ex ) was getting on with his life and seemingly enjoying it without a thought for me.A relative of mine that was close to himdied a very painful death and I reached out to him.He was aware that I was alone and in need.He knew I was watching her die…..I tried to call him.No response.I left a message.No response.I later discovered that at the time I was trying to contact him he was sharing jokes over pictures of topless girls on Facebook.He is yet to contact me.His behaviour sickens me and he has hurt me so much that I feel I will never be able to coprehend or deal with it.Yet I still crave for the love of the amazing man that I knew.I hope so much that you are doing better than I am.I am sending all my love to you.x
Chris,
I cannot give you answers….I wish I could.All I can say is that I know what you are going through.I was powerless to do anything other than follow my heart and this led me to stay in contact.I believed for so long that, if I was a constant presence he would one day wake up and see that I loved him so and embrace that.He didn’t.I wish I had felt differently about him…I could have saved myself so much pain.I think you will know if and when the time is right for you to give up.x
Hey All,
can someone suggest me what can be done here
we were into a relation for longer time,but all of a suddenone fine day he came to me and said his parents did not accept me,so lets depart from each other and never disturb me again
But it was not so easy for me to leave him,,because as far as am concerned,he loves me to the core and he even knew that i love him deeply
I tried reaching out through lots of calls & lots of emails & lots of messages,but still nothing worked out
but still i want him to be back in my life.few of his friends said that he is least bothered about me,which really make me more sensitive and tears just role out of my eyes.I am trying to forget him,but am not at all..he was the only person who was with me in all my ups and downs..
Any suggestions pleas
I am so grateful for having found this site, it’s good to know I’m not alone. Sorry in advance for the rant.
I met one lovely man at the end of last year. I knew he had baggage (he was sponsored into the country by his ex) but he seemed sufficiently in control that my initial concerns were assuaged. We quickly moved in together. A couple of months later he had a work opportunity interstate, several days’ drive away. I didn’t stand in his way. Within weeks of us driving him over there and me flying back, he told me he simply needed me there, I was family to him and he missed me more than anything. For the first time in my life I took a chance on a guy and made the move to be with him. Neither of us are stupidly young and we were planning kids in the next couple of years; he was moving fast but it felt right.
Once I got there it became apparent that he was getting depressed. He had a history of it and acknowledged what was going on. I was diagnosed with reactive depression years ago and while I’ve been fine for five years now I could see the warning signs in him. He got withdrawn and angry, but a couple of weeks later, with as little pressure and as much loving support as I could muster he ‘snapped out of’ the worst of it and I got my man back. He’d got himself a referral to see a psychologist… but that was six months ago and he had one session, five months ago.
Work didn’t pan out the way we’d hoped and after someone very close to us was murdered in our new town, he took a regional contract doing back-breaking work and I moved back to my old job in my old city two months ago. We agreed the separation would be short-term (he was offered great money with the new contract) and said we’d see each other at Christmas. When I got stressed he reminded me we were doing this for the sake of our future together.
He’s been withdrawing for the last month or so, described his constant exhaustion and the sadness was evident in his voice: textbook signs he was not doing well. I’ve been worried. This last week I was told I need surgery, nothing life threatening but I’m still scared. I called him to talk and he blatantly wasn’t there for me, which was a first and hurt like heck. After several days of absolutely unprecedented silence I texted him this morning asking what was up. He responded that he thought we needed to break up so he could work on his mental health. By text. He rang me tonight and confirmed that he meant it, that he’d never be able to replace me but needed to be alone now.
If I’d seen this coming I’d have never moved back interstate – he has no-one close to him there and much as it was his choice I feel responsible. Working crazy hard in the desert surrounded by rednecks is bad enough; having no place to call home and no-one to come home to isn’t doing him any favours.
I’m gutted. He’s the first man I’ve ever really allowed myself to need. I knew he wasn’t perfect, but heck, neither am I and I was raised not to give up on the people I love. I know his being prone to depression is here to stay but his ‘baggage’ is in a sense temporary as the major stress factors (visa and divorce) will be dealt with in the next couple of years. Not exactly short-term but I do think he’s seeking permanent solutions to a situation majorly exacerbated by temporary factors. Having been depressed myself I know that by acknowledging the triggers and being vigilantly good to yourself it’s possible to live a happy life ‘in remission’.
So, my plan: I’ve texted him details of free confidential phone counselling available to him through my work, and reminded him he has a lot of people who love him, want to be there for him and believe he deserves the help he needs. That he deserves happiness and love.
I have booked flights to see him in the next fortnight. I know he’s not gonna be ecstatic to see me, but even if he doesn’t change his tune I know myself well enough to know I won’t feel any better without closure. That may be selfish of me but our last day together was beautiful and this doesn’t seem real. Much as he may see that as an intrusion I plan not to crowd him in the meantime; he’s said he needs his space and I’ll give him as much as I can.
In the meantime I’m praying hard and will hugely appreciate anyone who wants to include us in your prayers.
I’d also appreciate any tips on what to/not to do or feedback on my plan of action. Or more generically on how to not go batsh!t crazy with grief.
Hi John,
What are your thoughts on Larsk K words?
I think if I read these words a year ago I would disagree but the more I understand of depression the more they seem to make sense.
I’m still trying to be there for my ex – in the hope i can be with her again one day.
We agreed to just have ‘outings’ together and see how things go from there.
At the moment my ex is not responding much to my text messages although she is away for a couple of weeks on a holiday. Before the holiday I thought our communication was good.
Then I had a miscommunication on an email with her where I thought she was up for more of a relationship so I suggested this and then she wrote back to say – She wasn’t sure about anything yet, and hoped I understood.
I’m trying not to take the lack of communication personally but i can’t say it’s easy.
I have written some general messages to her that haven’t been answered. I’m aware that I don’t want to put any pressure on her to commit to me in a relationship sense at the moment. But I would like some more frequent communication! Is this a form of pressure for someone who is depressed?
Hi, Eve –
I’ve just written a post in answer to your first question. Let me know what you think. The impossible bind in trying to communicate is that the depressed person may not be trying to hurt you, but the withdrawal is, of course, as personal as it can be in its effect on you. I think you have little choice but to wait and see how your friend’s treatment progresses, if in fact she is doing all she can to deal with depression. You have to take care of yourself and be honest about your needs with her and with yourself. I’m not sure that there is much more you can do.
I hope things take a turn for the better for both of you soon.
John
Thanks John for your words of support.
I’m interested to read this new post that I see you have posted in the other section.
At the moment you’re right – i will have to wait and see what happens with my ex.
At the same time I will mention my needs – basically i just need to see/hear she is working on looking after herself! The communication i hope should follow this. Although, i fear that my ex’s treatment may take some time and it will test my patience – i hope i will be strong enough to stay on the side lines through this period without being too eager to engage more with her.
I will continue to focus on taking care of myself – something that I’m enjoying doing.
Started yoga, swimming.
I am at a loss. My boyfriend of 2+ years has left me – suddenly, and almost without explanation. The only words he’s said are that he needs to do this (leave me) if we’ll ever have a future; that he feels numb inside, always sad, and can’t dream or hope about anything; and that he can’t do it anymore. He told me he loves me, that we’re best friends, that I was like his right arm. All true! And until this happened, we were seemingly happy and deeply in love. This was on a Tuesday, and by Saturday he had moved out. We haven’t spoken since.
This comes on the heels of weeks of realization (on my part) that he is depressed – beyond the numbness and sadness, he refused to see his friends, is gaining weight, seemingly angry all the time, insomniac, and completely lost his sex drive. I tried to talk to him about it, asked him to consider getting help – to no avail.
I am so torn, I love him! He’s my partner! The love of my life. This doesn’t make any sense. But he’s shut me out completely. No communication until… when? When he decides, I guess. Do I wait? Do I try to hate him so I can move on? I see my partner suffering and I want to help – but it’s clear to me that is impossible. Any advice, at all, is appreciated.
Hi Dawn,
I am so sorry to read of what you are going through. It’s hard to know what to say as the disease affects different people differently and I’m surely not a psychologist.
What I will say is that I don’t think hating him will help you. I totally understand your sentiment but if you must hate, hate the disease. Hating the man might the distort the memories of the good times you had and you’ve gotta remember that they were every bit as real as the depression and its effects which unfortunately seems to bring out the worst selfishness in people. Easier said than done I know, but that lovely man was real and so was his love for you – so don’t start mistrusting your judgment.
I pray that he comes around. If you have a way of contacting him, let him know that he deserves help and he deserves the patience, love and support of the people who love him. But if he’s cut you off then that advice is redundant. I don’t know what to suggest in terms of moving on – I don’t know how long ago he left or what’s happened since. I don’t think it’s wrong to want the man you love back, healthy, and I will pray for you and that happy end. At the same time you can’t put your life on hold indefinitely. After all, you deserve to be happy too and if he’s moving on then you really need to do so too. Which is, again, easier said than done when he’s not communicating.
Hi Dawn,
Your story is so similar to what I’m going through with my depressed BF right now 🙁
I see your post was many months ago… could you share what has happened in your relatioship since your post?
Thank you,
WR
Hey All,
can someone suggest me what can be done here
we were into a relation for longer time,but all of a suddenone fine day he came to me and said his parents did not accept me,so lets depart from each other and never disturb me again
But it was not so easy for me to leave him,,because as far as am concerned,he loves me to the core and he even knew that i love him deeply
I tried reaching out through lots of calls & lots of emails & lots of messages,but still nothing worked out
but still i want him to be back in my life.few of his friends said that he is least bothered about me,which really make me more sensitive and tears just role out of my eyes.I am trying to forget him,but am not at all..he was the only person who was with me in all my ups and downs..
Any suggestions please
Hi, I need some help…
The problem is that my boyfriend and I aren’t currently together (he left me about a month ago). We have a relationship of 5 years very solid relationship, we love each other a lot and I know he cares a lot for me and I for him. Well the thing is he moved (like 3 hours away from me) like 9 month ago to study, he comes every weekend and used we spend that time together. He graduated college and is studying another thing…but he’s not currently working cause the economical situation in my country (DR) is not very good right now. He feels incredibly awful to the point that he tells me he doesnt even want to get out of bed, talk or be with anybody…he feels like a failure and he’s only 23, he thought that by this time he was gonna be independent cause he does not want his parents spending anymore money on him. He’s a very conservative person and does not like to talk at all about himself he only talks to me about that, i’ve been supporting him but I’ve been feeling lately i was the one investing more in the relationship, and i was wearing out, we talked a lot about this but things did not get much better.
The breakup was really awful and heartbreaking..he told me a lot of things that hurt me..Like that he didnt feel the need to be with me, or kiss me or anything..that he has been feeling a long time like that and was waiting to see if it changed but I could see that he was hurting a lot just by saying this stuff to me.
I asked to please go to a psych and he promised he would do so (the day we broke up he promised(…one week later he told me he did go but hten i found out it was a lie..so not like him to break a prmise like that. from what ive been hearing he’s been getting into a lot of fights and started playing rugby and that is so not him in the 5 years we we’re together he never fought.
I tried supporting him after the breakup but i was really hurting and i went down a road of selfdestruction… i started drinking a lot and had sex with a guy (my ex was my first) and hooked up (not sex) with 2 other..and felt really bad afterwards. I was also diagnosed a time ago with depression
Right now im just really lost i dont know what to do..i sent him a text saying that i was ok with the break i understand that he has to solve his problems by himself and that he shouldnt worry about me since i was doing fine…but i also told him that a needed some time without us comunicating (it was to difficult for me waiting days for him to speak to me..) cause i needed to sort out some things in my new life …
I just need help i wanna speak to him so badly and tell him how much i love him and miss him
Vany,
I am so sorry that you are hurting so much.I know only too well the pain of trying to stay strong when inside you feel anything but.And I also know how difficult it is to keep a distance when all you want to do is tell someone how much you love them and miss them.I wish I could give you the answers but all I can do is tell you my story ,what I did and how it worked out for me.I invested so much into my relationship and was not prepared to see it beaten by my partner’s depression.We had a silly fight that he used as an excuse to split with me.He said some awful,hurtful things that to this day stay with me.He told me,as your partner did,that he had lacked feelings for me for some time.I cannot tell you how much that hurt.I tried to contact him via calls,texts,letters.Tried so hard to tell him how much I cared and wanted us to work.I thought that if he felt loved we would be OK.On the rare occasions that he responded to me he would dismiss my comments with harsh words .He only ever phoned to shout at me.He turned into a stranger and sometimes I could hardly believe that such vile things were coming out of his mouth….before his depression he had been a gentle loving man.Months down the line and I still stare at my phone hoping for a call or a message.Nothing.I think my point is that I wish I had just walked away and taken that pain rather than expose myself to the hurt of having every effort I made disregarded.I know you will want to speak with him and tell him how much you care,but you may not get the response you want.I certainly didn’t and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.Protect yourself sweetheart,I so wish that I had.I do so hope that things work for you and your partner but make sure you look after yourself.I know it is no consolation but there are others who know from painful experience,what you are going through.You may feel awfully alone but you are not.I hope you stay strong.
I see most of these posts are a few months old but I couldn’t help wanting to add my story. I actually feel so much better after reading these posts! My situation isn’t as serious as some I’ve read, but it has caused me an immense amount of pain and I think writing about it and maybe getting some feed back would really help.
I met C online, and we immediately hit it off. It’s hard to explain, but we are both really intelligent, and we both love to be sarcastic and self deprecating and have the same dark sense of humor. He made me laugh and made me feel alive. He made me feel like more than I had been, gave me permission to be my quirky self and took me outside my box.
C was very open from the beginning about the addiction issues he had when he was younger, and his lifelong struggle with depression. I understood these things because I have a degree in counseling and have worked in social services and mental health for years. Her seemed to have a lot of insight into his issues and was very upfront about everything. I figured I would see what happened, as he was just too wonderful to walk away from.
We met in person several times and talked on the phone several times a week. We texted many many times a day. Neither of us was in a hurry to push our growing friendship, as we both have busy lives and kids. I thought things were going well. He liked me, I liked him, and there was obvious chemistry and attraction. I was a little scared of getting hurt, so I was not as honest with my feelings as I could have been.
Then two weeks ago he texted that he was having a hard day because it was the 3 year anniversary of the death of his best friend. He needed to be on “auto-pilot.” I was okay with that and over the next few days we texted about once a day. He wasn’t sleeping and was really messed up. I tried to be supportive without adding pressure. It was also during this time that I started to explore and admit to my true feelings for him. I discovered I am in love with him and the idea of living without him was unthinkable. The thought of dating anyone else had become laughable.
Then last Sunday we talked on the phone and he sounded really bad. He told me he is depressed and really unhappy. He stated he feels bad about what he is doing to me and I explained he’s not hurting me any. But I wanted to make sure I’m not going to become another burden in his life, another source of grief. I can’t handle the idea of causing him any pain, even inadvertently. So I asked what would make it easier for him. He said he can’t feel good about himself with me in his life right now. It was like a punch in the stomach but what could I do??? He offered to reach out to me when he is better and I agreed that’s what I want. Then we got off the phone and I cried for an hour.
So now I am living without him and just trying to make it through every day. I refuse to think of myself as “waiting” for him, because I’m not, I’m living my life. But I do survive on the hope he will keep his word and get in touch when he is better. I can’t even consider dating anyone else. I have never felt the way I feel for him for anyone before. And I am making an effort to stay healthy. I talk to friends, journal, write him letters I don’t send. I have an amazing support system and a very busy life. But still. I miss him every minute of the day.
Just typing this out has made me feel less alone in all this. I know he may never contact me, and I may “get over” him and move on. Who knows how I’ll feel in a month or a year. But I do hope he can be a part of my life again. I know there are long term considerations and no easy answers. But if I am able to be realistic and healthy, and I continue to want what I want right now, there doesn’t seem to be any harm in hoping.
Sarah,
You should wait as long as you are able to stay happy and healthy.But do not wait,as I am, in misery.It is destructive.Stay realistic,stay happy.I am not strong enough to be either of those things.I know only too well what it is like to miss someone every moment of every day.I made the mistake of sending the (many) letters I wrote and calling/texting etc.It only served to make my ex partner more distant and left me reeling from the rejection.My ex partner also stated that he could not feel good with me in his life (which was ironic as I did everything I could to make him happy and secure).For a long time now I have put my life “on hold” just hoping that the man I loved will come back to me.It does not get easier.Your story reflected mine…..to admit your true feelings just before your partner’s depression caused him to walk away.I hope you are able to hope but also continue with your life.I am hoping but my life has stalled…silly really but I could never put into words how I feel about my ex partner.
I am so relieved to have found this site.I have spent so long struggling alone with my (now ex) partner’s depression.We had the most beautiful loving relationship for a year and I knew I had met the man I wanted to marry.He loved me so much and I adored him.And then came his depression and introduced me to a world of despair would not wish on my worst enemy.He withdrew totally from me and began to find fault with everything I did and said.He would disappear for hours,not return my calls and became the exact opposite of the attentive man he had been previously.I tried so hard to make us work and tried so hard to remember the caring gentle man that he was.One day after many weeks of walking on eggshells I retaliated and asked him to consider how his actions were hurting me.He told me he didn’t care about my feelings and left.This was three months ago and he has rejected all communication from me since.If he does answer the phone he is dismissive and nasty.Any attempts by me to communicate are either ignored or he puts a negative twisted interpretation on them .To everyone else he is fine.He is going out with friends and seems to put on a front for everyone bar me. Only I and his parents know of his depression.In his nicer moments he tells me I shouldn’t love him as he is not worthy of me.In his nasty moments he labels me manipulative,controlling and shouts at me.He seems to blame me for destroying our relationship (which I did not) and his thinking is so distorted when it comes to me and my actions.He has tried to cut me out of his life.He is totally selfish.Despite everything I love him and cannot seem to get over his leaving.My life has been horrible over the past few months, I cannot sleep,eat or seem to function but I cannot let go of the good memories and I cannot stop thinking of how fantastic out relationship was.I think of him all the time.I do not think he thinks of me at all.I do not understand how a man with whom I made plans for the future and with whom I was trying for a child could suddenly turn against me.I assisted him in every way I could .I ensured that he saw a counsellor and doctors.I just feel very lonely without him and want my lovely boyfriend back.But he has made only one effort to contact me over the past few months……and this was to argue with me.I am not an emotionally strong person at the moment and am getting weaker with each day that goes by without a call or text from him.I feel like I am being tortured…..why would life be so cruel as to give me the most amazing man only to replace him with somebody that doesn’t seem to care at all?
Hi Kate,
I am sad to say I do not have advice for you, and I am sorry. I just want you to know that reading your comment made me feel as though I had written it myself. I cried while reading because it is so similar to how I feel (especially, why would life be so cruel as to give me the most amazing man only to replace him with somebody that doesn’t seem to care at all)?
I wish I could make it better for you, and for myself. Please know, I will be thinking of you tonight while I cry myself to sleep. Best of luck coping.
Jenny
Jenny,
Thank you so much for your kind reply.It is comforting to know that there are people thinking of me.I can only hope you are faring better than I am.I too cry myself to sleep every night.I also cry whilst I am at work,walking down the street,at home.It is cruel that we should have to go through this.I wish you every strength and can only hope that your story turns out better than mine.
Kate.
Hi Kate,
I feel your pain and please have faith that things will get better. Your statement about meeting the most amazing man and having that taken away from you is something that I am experiencing right now. I am angry, sad, hopeful, so many emotions at one time and not many people to speak with that can relate.
Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, but I would like to tell you something that came to my mind the other day….Even if the worst of the worst happens and you don’t get him back, you were extremely lucky to have met such an amazing man and had the love that you had. There are so many people that will never experience that in their lifetime or meet someone as wonderful as you have. Even if you were only lucky for one year, you had him for that time and what you two had is yours to cherish forever.
Hope that helps you to heal a little:)
Patricia
Anyone know how to tell if he is depressed because he has been unhappy with you for so long or if he had depression for years and has been blaming you for it?
Hi, Denise –
Depression isn’t caused by being unhappy with someone. It is fairly common to become depressed without knowing what is happening and look outward for the cause, and partners are first in line to take the blame.
John
My mum saw my ex in town, a few month back. He told her to tell me that he’s sorry for what he said to me, and to tell me that I’m welcome to visit him anytime i want. How do I go about that? I can’t just suddenly just turn up at his door unnanounced. What if he’s busy? It made me wonder why he said I can go visit him ANY time. He said he hardly gets out anymore. I don’t know why he told my mum that he has mended his ways. My mum had to tell me, as I wasn’t in town with her, when she bumped into him. At first, I felt angry at this. Now I just feel happy that he see’s me for the caring person I really am. He knows I care about him. He told me himself. And if he wants us to get a home together, then I really don’t have much to complain about. He says none of the women he’s ever laid eyes on, can compare to me 🙂 That made me giggle, in my head. As flattery will get you everywhere. I didn’t want to have to find another man to be with. Luckily, I just waited it out. You can only go by how you feel.
Ok I get the whole depression thing. I had to break up with my man because my bowel illness was enough to take on, without having to cater to his confusing ways. If I don’t rid of stressful situations, then my bowel illness gets way more painful. What really irks me, is the fact that none of my family stopped to consider that me and my man, had planned our future to be together. How we had our future mapped out to live together, etc. I will have a child when I choose. I will live where I want, and with who I choose. I am human like everyone else. Some parents think they’re doing a good job at making you feel equal, when really you see how it really is.
I am 50 and have been in a 10 year relationship-he was the centre of my universe so much so that I gave up a senior job 4 years ago to work in his business. Our dreams were to earn enough money to live in the country.He worked incessantly and had no social outlets so my life followed suit and consequently I have no real friends apart from his family. I have my own home he has no home of his own and lives with his brother’s family. Recently My mother died and immediately after he walked away from our relationship because he needs to spend time alone to work out his life- He wants to be “away from everyone” but needs to run a business,he has no money is unproductive at work which caused us to quarrel for the past 2 years and cannot get his life together. He has rejected my offer to have him move in with me and only really calls me about work.Says most is unrelated to me and he needs to sort himself out and possibly is still suffering from issues from the relationship before me. He said he would seek counselling over 2 months ago but has not made any effort to do so. Im devastated as the love of my life and best friend /support person is no longer in my life except at work! I am going through a home renovation on my own, awaiting the imminent death of my father and just two days ago had to put down one of my beloved pets .My brother in law has been diagnosed with a health problem so Im also trying to support my sister and her family.I am also testing the job market to see if I can escape totally and join a new company where I may make friends. The pain ,lonleness,desperation, lack of confidence and trust/ confusion and guilt is engufling me and I need sleeping medication and anti-anxiety medication. I do not know how to get my life on track and the loneliness and lack on interest in anything is overwhelming. Can someone please advise where to start?.
Hi, amanda –
With so much loss and grief, so many life changes to consider, I was wondering if you had considered counseling or therapy. You sound so overwhelmed now that I should think you would need all the support you can get to figure out how to move forward from here. You don’t need to be clinically depressed to benefit from therapy – these days most therapists are helpful with short term problems and major life decisions when you just can’t get any perspective by yourself on what to do.
I’m sorry you have to go through this and wish you all the best.
John
Amanda
I just read your post and I am so sorry for what is happening in your life. I read your post because you stated your age. I am 56 and going through something very similiar. ) I have been with Allen for 28 years and he is everything to me.)
It hurts alot doesn’t it?
He told me I was increasingly miserable, I knew it too. He told me my negativity was draining the life out of him…so I told him I don’t know what to do but you are right, and I will remove myself from our relationship and our apartment. The fact is he is an incredibly negative person himself, he can’t see anything without making some social commentary (example: saw a picture of 3 adorable kids from Japan, I said “look how cute this pic is!” his reply was along the lines of something derogatory against Japanese government…these kids were like 4-6 years old?!) or some remark about how everyone in the world but him thinks wrong, but I kept that to myself, wasn’t the time to bring it up again. I told him I still loved him, but I told him that I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself, we were together 12 years and I just didn’t see a way to do it and be a good partner, have a good relationship. In the last month of our relationship he was more and more bitter towards me, I begged him to not let it end badly, I said “why can’t we be friendly” his response was oh you want to be friendly today? He knew I was depressed, I never hid that and I FREQUENTLY apologized when I knew it was just my mood and not something he did that caused me to be “in the dumps” and reply to him with something snarky, or just give him a hard time. In our circle we were the famous couple for doing that, we talked everything out and nobody else could believe it. Our friends were the ones that traded “fuck yous” as often as “I love yous”, we could never conceive of being that way toward each other.
Right when I left, he was sitting on the couch watching tv and not lifting a finger to help me with my heavy things. I was running up and down the stairs with my things and not closing the door behind me, I was pulling it “to” – not closed, but not wide open. He gets on me for “slamming” the door, so I tried to ignore him. Then he goes into “see this is how it always was, treating me like I did something” which is unfair, I did get mad at him for some things that were actually his fault – he quit brushing his teeth years ago for example, and I’m sorry that always bothered me? So it’s not like I was just always in his ear about some bullshit, I just wanted him to take care of himself, and to make it so I wanted to be around him. Well I didn’t get roped into it with him, I just said instead of griping about the damn door, he could be helping me. I didn’t want to ask him for any help because that entire last month he treated me like I’ve always been this huge burden even though he willingly took over the rent and even the bills when I couldn’t help. Told me it would all be fine since he makes enough (and he does). So here comes another argument, and this time instead of fighting back, asking him to be nice, or anything I just shrugged and kept doing what I was doing. “Fuck you”, he says. I’m depressed, leaving to get out of your hair, not cheating even though you don’t do many things for yourself including brush your teeth, I’m cooking your dinner, cleaning your house, washing your shitty ass boxers, and I get “Fuck you” after 12 years?
I don’t even really know why but those two little words make it so I’m not sure how much I want to live anymore. I tried to do the right thing by him, but apparently I should have been doing whatever the fuck I wanted all those years. A week before he’s telling me he still loves me and he hopes I’m going to be alright and he’s going to be alright (of course these were his drunken words which kind or not, he’s always told me to disregard) so I guess he really didn’t love me, and it was really just “fuck you”. He was my best friend, and I guess we couldn’t have been friends after the break up anyway, but I didn’t know it had to be like this.
I hate this so much because I lost my best friend, and even if I could talk to him again I wouldn’t want to now, I just feel horrible. Friends and family mean well but “don’t let him upset you anymore” doesn’t work – I’ve been with this guy 12 years, known him for 16 years of my life. I don’t know how to get over this. I’m trying, I’m working full time again, I have my cat here with me, my family is around, I just feel horrible.
My ex has started talking to me again we had a few chats and he is doing well staying of the drink and doing this he enjoys but doesn’t mention anything about us. I text him to hint without putting pressure in him but he ignores it and just says I’m wonderful and he misses me. What do I do feel like I can’t cope waiting
so glad i found this website today; really could use feedback. i’m the depressed/anxious/angry partner here, and after becoming angry, going silent and withdrawing just one too many times, my partner stopped communicating with me. nothing in 8 weeks. we’ve been involved for 5 years, and yes, my problems have caused difficulty and pain in the relationship. he and i also have a significant age difference; he is older.
i have suffered depression for most of my adult life. sadly, the anxiety/anger/depressive cyclone has caused me to clam up and withdraw one too many times. i am in therapy, and he knows this. we had been in two separate residences while trying to work on the relationship. it wasn’t going well because i was so hurt he’d broken up with me, and things had started to improve…and then i just melted down. no emotional scene, just silence and withdrawal.
i want desperately to reach out, but fear it’s hopeless. he has always stayed in touch before, but not this time. i am working hard in therapy and have an appoint next week to get back on some medication. i want to tell him how i’m the same person he feel in love with, i just got all covered up with fear and despair. maybe that is selfish. i just feel so hopeless-maybe he really is done with us and has given up on me.
Hello Lorielle! Every relationship is different but I wanted to share a thought. As an ex of someone depressed, I can say that there came a point in time when I realized my ex is the one who is control of himself and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him from withdrawing without him resenting me. My phone calls and texts went unanswered and it was heartbreaking. My only option to save my sanity, was to move on and leave him alone. He is the only one who can change. I still wonder how he is doing and would like to hear from him. But that doesn’t mean I would take him back. Your boyfriend has been through a lot with you over the years and he has been hurt by all of this. You need to focus on yourself and your treatment. Go back to counseling and get out on medication and stay on it if it helps. Once you can be stable, maybe you could try again. Your boyfriend had always been in contact with you before, so maybe it’s your turn to reach out to him this time. Try calling or write an email or letter to him. Explain how you feel and what you are doing to get help. He needs to know. No one knows where he is emotionally, but you both deserve answers. There are so many people dating those suffering with depression, and they are as lost as you are but would love to hear from their exes. Regardless of what happens, focus on yourself and continue to get help.
I agree with Michelle. Lorielle, it is time to focus on getting better. Yes, you are still the same person, but your behaviour and responses to him, and to the rest of the world are not the same.
It is possible that your ex has realized that you need to do this for yourself, on your own, and has stepped back to allow it. Or, it may be that he has been hurt too much, or too often, and needs to take the time himself to heal. Either way, you know you have some work to do, and you are definitely headed the right way 🙂 GREAT!
If you feel you do want to develop a healthy relationship with him, when you are stable again, then maybe it is a good idea to let him know that you are getting treatment, working hard and trying to get better. But remember, he may not be able to have that relationship, and it will never be the way it was. That is just something that both sides in this situation have to accept, and it is never easy. I know for me it would be a relief just to know that my ex is getting help.
cheryl-
many thanks to you as well for your response. i am hopeful that one day i’ll be well. i wish i felt hopeful that after almost 9 weeks of silence (on both sides) that there might be hope to try again. i’ve never felt quite this terrible before.
as i said in my OP, i was in therapy before we stopped talking., so he knew i was working on the problems and trying to get help. with this in mind, the fact that he hasn’t bothered even to ask me how i’m doing makes me think that he no longer cares. it’s scary. on the other hand, i have gotten angry, silent and have withdrawn a few times, and in this instance, he was the last to contact me, even if it was just to let me know about a message left on his machine. it wasn’t relationship talk, but it was an opener for conversation, and being too angry, i never responded. how i wish i’d responded now, after two months. the ball is in my court, but i’m frightened he’ll reject me outright or ignore me.
am i being selfish if i contact him? does his silence mean ‘leave me alone’? i suppose he could be asking himself the same questions. i doubt it, though. if he wanted me in his life, he’d do something. he’d say something. he hasn’t.
he’s got a buch of my stuff in a storage unit, and yet he hasn’t ‘kicked me out of it’. i think if he were anxious to be rid of me, wouldn’t he tell me to get my things out of there?
i need some hope in all this darkness. i want to get well to offer my best to him.
oh Lorielle, this is the problem that “lack of communication” causes; complete emotional upheaval.
I am sitting in a position quite similar to you ex boyfriend’s position. From my standpoint I can tell you that contacting him is NOT selfish. Just because he is not in contact with you currently does not mean he will turn you away, and is not wanting that contact. Is there a chance that he has willingly left you alone in hopes that you can recover on your own terms? Is he overwhelmed with his own emotions that he is not able to carry yours as well? I don’t see how reaching out, if done respectfully can be selfish. If you can do it in a way that shows you are open to having him in your life, but without any expectation or pressure on him to “fix” anything, then his response will hopefully be honest. Perhaps he is hoping that you will realize how important he is to you and you will go looking for him?
I’m not trying to put hope in your heart. But part of depression is negative thought patterns. You assume that you will get a negative response, and the thought of the consquences is so horrible that you “freeze” and do nothing. Fortunately for me, I also suffer from depression, and so I understand that this may be what my ex is going through, and may contribute to his reasons for not reaching out.
This “irrational fear” froze me when I saw my boyfriend slipping into depression. I myself didn’t know what to do, and since he insisted he was ok, it let me off the hook; he could handle it. These fears are so powerful that they completely take over reasoning, and we assume that doing anything, making any decision and acting on will make things worse. What we depressed people FAIL to realize, is that it is INACTION that actually makes things worse. Not offering my support in a gentle, non-commital way meant that BOTH my boyfriend and I could continue to live in denial, until the point where nothing would stop our breakup.
It all goes back to the fundamental rule of physics: a body in motion tends to stay in motion. You can’t make progress with depression unless you move, whether forward or backward, you need to move. In order to get a response, there needs to be an action; someone needs to reach out and connect. You can wait for him to do it, but so far, he hasn’t. You cannot guarantee that he ever will. The only part you have control over is your decision whether you reach out or not, and to accept the result and move forward. This is the same decision I have to make, but it has only been just over a week since he cut off all contact, it is not time for me to make mine just yet. I let him know that I still want to be in his life, and I am still here, and for now that is all I can do.
michelle,
thank you so much. taking the time to answer so candidly was very helpful. i am in regular therapy and have an appointment fr meds next week. hoping it will help me, and help this terrible pain of loss to stop.
of course no one can know where our partners are emotionally- if we did, it would be much easier. i want to reach out, but honestly, i am too fragile and frightened of a negative response right now.
if i may ask, why would you not take your ex back- given of course that efforts to change were being made?
thank you for your words of encouragement; i really am trying.
Dear John,
My boyfriend of what would have been 2 years next month has just broken up again with me 3 days ago. He is bipolar and unmedicated, and also has made several references to being Borderline, but I can’t be sure. This is the 8th time he has broken up with and the break-ups seem to be becoming more frequent…2 times last year, and 6 times this year.
This person is terrified of any commitment with me and has told me several times that he cannot commit. However, we see each other generally every weekend and 1 day during the week and I honestly don’t think he has ever gone out with anyone else during our time together. In that sense, he seems committed so I’m not sure what he means…but Facebook has always been a major source of disagreement and he basically acts as if he didn’t know me on Facebook, although he has left 2 photos of us together that I tagged him in.
He broke up with me now this last time exactly because of Facebook, just because I asked him why he comments and likes other women’s photos but never mine.
I am a complete wreck and have not stopped sobbing since Saturday. It seems that with each breakup, I get more crushed and have more difficulty recovering. I fear for my job now because I can’t function at work and spend a good part of the day in tears.
He seems to be in a depression for the past week or so, although I thought it doesn’t seem as severe as some of the other times, but perhaps this is completely wrong. for the past few months, he seems to only seem the negative in me and has criticized and made rather condescending remarks. Is this also depression?
I have sent him several texts already since the breakup, one just after the breakup apologizing for mentioning Facebook in an rather annoyed manner and telling him that I loved him very much (bipolars seems to never take the blame for anything), and he has responded, although slowly. Now each text seems every so slightly less distant, but perhaps I’m just imagining that because I so much want him back. His responses are still rather cold, but polite. This almost seems worse than anything…
Should I continue texting him to show that I still care very much for him or is this just pusing him further away? He has not asked me to stop contacting him, but perhaps he’s once again just being polite.
I really am an absolute wreck and need some advice quickly before I lose both my job and my boyfriend for good. I am writing this in tears…please help…
Hi, Joanna –
It sounds like the primary need is for him to get adequate treatment for his bipolar condition. Most of your crises with him and the negative remarks are due much more to his condition than anything you might do or say. This incredible amount of pushing you away and coming back again is obviously driving you into deep problems, and I urge you to get some sort of counseling to help sort through everything. He needs to commit to treatment with a good psychiatrist and perhaps therapist as well. You put a terrible pressure on yourself in looking for stability in a relationship when he’s in this condition. The most important thing you can do is to get your own help and support from a good therapist.
All my best to you — John
Dear John,
Thank you very much for you response which I really appreciate. Yes, I need to work on myself and get help because this constant pushing away is really destroying me. My boyfriend or rather ex (it’s incredilby difficul to call him that), seems so strange this time, not anything like the other times he pushed me away when depressed. He says he is taking Lexomil, which does not seem to me to be a good idea over a long period of time, particlarly since he takes no medication to stabilize his bipolar condition.
I unfortunately lost it last Friday, and told him how much I was suffering and how much I wanted him back. This is apparently the LAST thing to do with a bipolar when they are like this, this pushes them away definitely I’ve read.
In any case, I am absolutely devastated and once again in terars while I’m writing this. Yes, the pressure and stress in this relationship was unbearable and I should have given up long ago, but I love this man so much.
Thank you again for listening.
Gosh, I thought I was alone…… I’m so sorry there are others sharing the same pain as me, but it really does help that I’m not the only one in this heartbreaking situation.
I know my partner is the love of my life, and I’ve stayed hopeful that he’ll get better and be the lovely man I met. But reading everyone elses story makes me wonder if my hopefulness is a wish that will never be answered. I don’t want to move on, I want him back. Is hope lost once they shut down completely?
I am so relieved to have found this forum as it has made me realize I am not alone! My boyfriend of 5 years has recently been suffering from depression which is having a huge impact upon our relationship. We aren’t sure if the depression is caused by withdrawl symptoms as he was recently addicted to annobolic steroids which he done for 4 months behind my back. I only found out one month after he originally split up with me out of the blue to which he confessed to have done as his parents had found out about his steroid abuse and he knew it would hurt me that he had betrayed me in this way as I always made my feeling clear on these matters. He claimed to have split up with me to protect me from getting more hurt from what he was about to go through beating the addiction (cowards way out if you ask me).
Anyway, I chose to stand by him as he was severely depressed and I seemed to become his shoulder to cry on. We agreed we wouldn’t officially be together until he was completely better as I did not want him to think I would just take him back after doing this to me. So to start with things were fine, we were enjoying spending time together, he would be laughing & joking, seeming genuinely happy then he has a depressed ‘episode’ and tried to cut me out his life. His only reason is “I just dont want to be in a relationship” however over the past 3 months he has done this to me 4 times now & always changes his mind usually after a week of feeling extremely low. Every other time this has happened I have convinced him it has been a reaction caused by what he is going through, gave him the space he asks for & then everything goes back to being fine again, but this time I just can’t get through to him.
It has been 4 weeks since he last done this to me & the time has been amazing, he has really shown me how much he loves me, making a huge effort & just genuinley enjoying our time we spend together. It sounds cheesy but I feel as though we have fallen in love again. But in the space of two days he is saying he doesn’t want anything to be between us anymore & I can’t help but think it is being caused by this depressed episode that seems to come over him every so often.
He has been on meds for it for 4 weeks now & they appeared to have been working but I am questioning this now. It’s difficult as I don’t know what to believe. I am trying to believe what he says and how he is with me the majority of the time rather than when he has a moment like this but it is difficult to almost tell him I don’t believe what he is saying without him feeling as though I dont take him seriously.
It isn’t only me that he cuts away from, he has also withdrew from his parents and rarely speaks to them or leaves the house without even mentioning where he is going. We are all so concerned about him but just don’t know where to go from here. We have been told a 12 week waiting list for a psycologist which is far too long.
Do I take him seriously & think of us as over or do I disregard it to what he is going through at the moment and wait for it to all blow over? It is so frustrating and tiring!
Thanks for the support everyone & I pray for love, answers & healing to all of you going through this sort of thing to!
Hi, Amelia –
Given the swings in the state of his feelings and his tendency to retreat from people when depressed, this sounds like another of those dips. I don’t know about the effects of withdrawal from steroids, but it’s certainly possible that the volatility in his feelings relates to that. I think he and you should give the withdrawal time to work – his moods could also relate to the medication he’s taking. It can take a lot of adjustment to get it right, especially in light of the steroid dependence – which I hope is over as far as active use is concerned. These things take time, and depression brings great confusion about feelings – often you seem to feel deadened emotionally and think it must be the relationship when it’s really the depression. I’m sorry to hear about the long wait to see a psychologist. I believe therapy is essential when relationships are threatened in this way.
JOhn
I am also stuck in this limbo state, not knowing how to support my ex-boyfriend. We enjoyed 10 months together, became best friends and IMHO soul mates. We joined our lives, lived together and each brought a daughter and they became fast friends. But as life happens, and as the “in-love” hormones subsided, he began sleeping more, getting migraines and generally pulling away. I knew the moving apart was normal, and he made me promise not to let him push me away like he done in his past marriage and relationships.
I tried, but of course I couldn’t stop it. He talked about needing to be alone, about the noise being so disturbing, and soon decided he needed to move closer to his daughter in order to foster that relationship (which I supported), and swore that even though we would be living apart, we would still maintain our relationship.
As the time approached for us both to move out, communication slowed to a stop. I couldn’t get him to talk to me, he only gave me snippets of what he was feeling, and put up a wall so that I could not ask or offer support. This triggered my depression to return, and we both shut down.
it has since been about a month since we have moved. At first he maintained daily contact via text and the occasional phone call. He made plans to do some repairs to my apartment, and has slowly managed to fulfill all but one. That should be done next week. Contact is becoming less and less. He is pushing himself, working full time, and then working a second job weeknights and most weekends to recover financially from his divorce. I understand, he needs to get back on his own feet, as we started our relationship within a year of his separation and he did not really get the chance to be on his own.
I believe he is avoiding his “fall”, or admitting that he is in a major depression, by working so much. He talked about going to his doctor to increase his medication (he was on a low dose as I am) in the last few months of our relationship, but it seems he never did. I didn’t want to push, maybe I should have? Maybe I should have been angry with him for pushing me away, but the 2 times I did show him real emotion he ran out the door in a panic.
I honestly understand what he is going through. Maybe not the depths of it, but I have depression too, and I know its tempting ways and the call of isolation. At first I reacted from my pain, and I beleive that only confirmed his disillusions and he pushed me away, either to protect me, or himself. But now that I have had the time to think, and read and learn everything I can about depression, I know how I could be there for him, and still move forward (but not move on). He has maintained since we moved that he “wants to stay friends, good friends”, but I have no idea how to actually communicate that I am still here; that I am ready to give what he needs, even if that means he has nothing to give to me for the moment.
How can I offer my support without pressure? Has anyone succeeded in “being there”? Please help, there are many of us waiting for some suggestion…
Hi, Cheryl –
When you ask about support without pressure, I know how sensitive a problem it is to communicate without getting a turn-off response, but pressure of a sort is unavoidable. You love him and make clear that you are there for him. It may well be that he feels any expression of your love as “pressure” because he is too confused, depressed and withdrawn emotionally to deal with his own feelings or to respond to your feeling for him. As you know from your own depression, I imagine, it’s often impossible to hear or accept the love someone is offering. Either you can’t feel anything or you can’t believe you’re worth someone else’s love. Running and hiding from emotional commitment is the easiest thing to do but never helps in the long run. He needs more help in dealing with depression than medication can provide – or trying to escape in work. It seems to me that it is supportive to talk to him about what you miss in him and that you hope he can explore other ways of dealing with the problems he’s having. It sounds like he recognizes that he does have depression (that alone is a huge step forward) but may not be aware of the variety of ways there are now for dealing with it. Sharing what you have learned about the illness and what has worked for you can be helpful. I think if you tell him things you really feel in a supportive way, the content is less important than the underlying message of love from your heart that comes through. He may reject what you say or panic, but I think a part of him knows the emotional truth and that he needs to do much more to deal with his depression.
All my best to you —
John
Larsk-k
Thanks for your words here from someone who suffers from depression.
They ring true – being a gentle therapist is what depressed ppl need. And I wish I’d don’t more holding hands in silence for my partner – hopefully my ex through friendship can see I understand how to be there for her now. I have learnt a lot on d in last 3 months.
I’m willing to give it a try – but my ec needs to meet me half way and seek professionL help too.
I still have hope especially now I know more about the illness – and how they can view a relationship as a series of demands.
Can I ask if your non- d partner helped you?
As someone who has mild depression, sometimes relationships just cause more pain/shame/anxiety than they’re worth. Especially the deep ones that require effort and attention. Past mistakes can come back to haunt either of you, resentment grows… next thing you know, it’s hard work just to pass each other in the kitchen.
Most of all, the non-depressed partner sometimes doesn’t truly know “how to be there”. They may say so, but they don’t really know what that means. They lack the imagination to leap one step ahead of the depressed person and talk them out of their funk. They don’t hold hands for 10 minutes in silence (i.e., that type of non-demanding contact). Instead, they try to fix things or recommend help. They rarely listen non-judgementally. The non-depressed partner doesn’t often play the role of therapist, which is what the depressed person really needs. The depressed person sorely wants intimacy with significant others, but they’re not getting it from the mechanics and cheerleaders. They get intimacy from being logically and gently talked out of their funk. Their shame is rarely addressed and gently set aside by a non-depressed person, who tends to underestimate the role of self-shame. They get true emotional intimacy from gentle therapists. If you want to keep a depressed partner in your life, that’s what you need to become.
Don’t feel slighted if a depressed person wants out of the relationship. They’re just not getting enough of the positives (deep understanding, safety, non-judgemental listening, no pressure to perform) to outweigh the crushing claustrophobia of a close relationship (sharing space, sacrifice, tight scheduling, loss of freedom).
I disagree totally with this. I don’t think a partner should try to become/behave like a therapist. I think there is a lot you can do to support someone, but I think using the term “therapist” is dangerous as it alters the dynamics of the relationship.
I think people often take on too much responsibility for others. If you have shown love and support and done all you can but the person is still not willing to get help, there isn’t a lot you can do. It is easy to stay in the comfort zone and allow fear to overtake life than to do any work to overcome this.
Some people choose to remain ill. It is sad, but it is ultimately their choice. You can take a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.