Over and over, I find online stories about the transformation of a loving partner, most often a man, into a depressed stranger. As I’ve often written here, I have been that stranger.
I’ve told several stories about what happened during that time in my life and what I’ve tried to learn from my own depressed behavior. I’ve described fantasies about becoming a new me, blaming my wife and my work for the unhappiness, losing control of myself in rage – and then pulling out of it before losing everything.
The story was all about me, and that’s always the way it is when depression is ghost writing at my side. My wife had a different story. Of course, it started with the crisis I had set in motion but then shifted to everything she did to sustain herself. When I “came back,” the old relationship didn’t come back with me. Instead, we had to create something different because we were both different. It wasn’t about me or her then but both of us.
Because of what I’ve been through and knowing how my wife took care of herself, I worry about many of the stories I read online. They tend to be all about him. I hear a great deal about what the depressed partner is doing, what may be wrong, his refusal to get help, his on-again off-again emotions, his confusion and pain. The hopef-for turning point of this story centers on whether or not he’ll get over it and return as the loving partner he used to be.
What I hear so much less about is the person who has to live with Depression Fallout
I always want to ask, What about you? Where are you in all this? Except for a brief mention here and there about pain and perhaps efforts to get help, I have a hard time getting as sharp a picture of who you are and what this relationship means for your own sense of self.
Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s gone? Why do you think you can change him? Why do you ask only about what will happen to him? Where are you?
There is so much invested in a close relationship that it inevitably affects the sense of who we are. Each partner, hopefully, feels enough trust to open and share a usually closed emotional core. Once it’s clear the relationship is a lasting one, there’s a sense of fulfillment and sureness of commitment on both sides. I’m still me, but I’m also more.
Even when troubled, angry or hurt by each other, the emotional resonance and mingling can move two people to some sort of healing. It’s all the more shocking, then, when depression takes control of one partner and rips the relationship. It’s not only a betrayal; it takes away the part of me that emerged through closeness to my partner. That cuts too deeply. I won’t feel complete anymore. How can I survive this?
I think the depth of loss of that joint identity varies a lot. At one extreme, there’s a complete dependence on another person to feel like a “real” person. That’s what I went through In my early twenties when I had the experience of being left abruptly. The crisis for me was extreme because I couldn’t imagine myself without this partner. I had no sense of my own value as a person and looked to her to make up for everything I wasn’t. In my state at the time, I could only feel OK because she was with me.
As I told myself, there was nothing left to fill the inner emptiness, so I fell apart. For a long time, I couldn’t accept what had happened and obsessed over the relationship, convinced I could do this or that to turn back the clock. Every attempt failed miserably, and my condition got worse and worse. It took a few years to get past that, but the long-term result was a much healthier sense of who I was.
That’s one extreme. Another is a level of independence of two people that they limit carefully the amount of time they spend together. There’s a fear of losing personal identity by getting too enmeshed in each other. One couple I knew (obviously wealthy) built side-by-side houses connected by a common space so that they could choose when to be together. If one had a serious problem like depression, there was certainly a loving concern but also a safe distance preserved to keep one from damaging the other – or so they thought.
There’s a balance that has to be found between needing a partner to feel good about yourself, as I did, and feeling so autonomous as to see a depressed partner’s problems as his own and having nothing to do with you.
As Peter Kramer puts it in his thoughtful book, Should You Leave?
Kramer offers a beautiful image of the way two people can be closely entwined without losing their own identities. He tells about his great aunt, who offered this comparison when she learned of his wedding engagement.
[She] pointed to a pair of white pines planted close together. They had developed a cone of branches and needles around the two trunks, responding to the sun as a single tree; if you were to cut one down, the other would look unbalanced, bare on one side and rounded on the other. A couple, she said, should be like those trees.
I suppose the continuing challenge is to find the balance between a healthy sense of one’s separate self and the shared identity of a close relationship. Neither can exclude the other, and even if relationships fail, they’ve given as much as they’ve taken away.
Sometimes I find out how the online stories have ended – though not so often as how they began. Usually, it’s encouraging, not because the relationship has been restored (that’s rare), but because an inner resilience has led to acceptance of what’s happened. The new story begins, and it’s all about you, no longer about him.
So that’s why I ask: where are you in the story you tell? Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s gone?
My partner was recently diagnosed with depression. I had noticed that he was different and more argumentative. His libido had virtually disappeared which was having a huge impact on our relationship as I felt he was moving away from me.
It was after an argument that we decided that after a wonderful 3 1/2 years we would split up. He just calmly packed his bags and left my house! At first I felt a sense of relief as the unhappiness could now stop, but then I had a huge realisation 3 days later that I missed him terribly and wanted to work through this.
I opened up my heart to him and declared my undying love but he said that he couldn’t be with me because I didn’t deserve to be hurt anymore, he didn’t deserve me and never did and I would be happier with someone else! He pushed me away constantly, even though he told me he’d never meet someone as they would never come close to me.
I was devastated and now 13 days on, although we are communicating and he has been to the doctors and had a diagnosis of depression, we still haven’t seen one another. He says that he feels a little better some days, and can see a future with me again, then the next morning he tells me how low he is. I feel heart broken and can’t stop crying. I’m grieving for the man he was. I didn’t say that we don’t live together but that he stays over 3/4 days a week, or did!
I try to encourage him to keep busy and as he is an ice hockey referee, he has been going to games, regardless of whether he is working or not. This has made me angry also as I’m sitting at home crying while he is out (because of my encouragement). I feel upset that he wants to spend all his time with other people and not me but he says that he doesn’t want me to see him as he can’t hide his real emotions with me whereas he can with others!
I know I should be being more supportive towards him but I feel so hurt and rejected. When he knows I’m upset, he days that I shouldn’t try and support him as it’s hurting me too much and we should cut ties. I just don’t know what to go anymore? I know he’s not doing this on purpose as it’s so out of character but I can’t deal with my own reactions to his lack of caring for my emotional being. I’d it selfish of me to expect him to be any different as afterall it’s him who us sick not me. I feel sick, I can’t eat properly and just look forward to being able to go to bed at night and sleep so I no longer have to deal with the pain of rejection.
My wife of 13 years suffers from depression. At the moment, this is coming out as criticism of me, and hostility towards my 20-year-old son, who really hasn’t done anything to deserve it, apart from existing. Also she had an affair five years ago: I discovered it, she apologised, then resumed it about two weeks later before I discovered it again a few months afterwards. We were able to move on but she never made a serious attempt to explain why the affair happened and it still bothers me.
That’s all the bad stuff; in between we’ve had many happy times and we love each other. However, her current attitude to me and my son is very difficult to cope with.
My long distance boyfriend has depression. This morning, he said that he needed a break. I’ve read up on depression and I think it’s good he wants time. He said he loved me and didn’t want it to affect us…but it does affect us. He’s also said he loves me and it’s not my fault, but I just want to support him and I can’t help but feel hopeless. I’m worried we will end, I mean, who wouldn’t be? I feel like I’m sitting back and waiting for the alarm to set off saying “hey, it’s over.” I don’t know how to help him. Or help him figure himself out. But I know I can’t. I just don’t want him to forget me…while I sit here, pariently and impatiently waiting.
I am a shattered person. Depression, anger, mood swings, resent, you name it, have consumed my husband, and I feel myself dying each day because of it. No one knows. I must be an amazing actress. Allergies are what cause the puffy eyes, genetics is the cause of my high blood pressure, work stress for the pain in my chest. We have been together for 21 years, but I lost the man I married 5 years ago. 5 years he has been spiraling. 5 years I have been dying. 5 years our daughter has been alive, and this is how she knows us. Mom cries a lot.
He has told me that I am to blame for his distance, his coldness, his uncertainty of how to approach me – he owes me because I make more money than he does. He has told me he is jealous of me, for everything from my job to my sex life in high school and college because he never had one. He blames me for acting weird toward him and its my fault for making him distant.
I could go on and on with issues, but my question for anyone out there is this: How do I get a break from the blame and confrontation when we live in the same house? Exactly what boundaries do I set? How do I word it so as not to sound accusing? How do I diffuse the anger? If I ask for space he’ll say, “maybe I should just leave” or something lame like that, provoking more debate. I am tired, I am still grieving for a partner that he has told me “is gone” and I’m just trying to survive alone, financially support my family and be the best mom I can be for our girl. My heart and spirit is broken. If anyone is out there, I’d love some support or at least commradery. Thanks for listening.
Wow right down to the length of time. I would like to say we are at the other side and in a wonderful nirvana, but that would simply be a lie. We are currently struggling with treatment and sleeping in separate areas of the house. I am improving on recognizing the “cycle” but the blame and the distance never seem to get easier. I truly wish I had reached out before as I have lived in my husband’s depressive states for five years hearing “I don’t love you anymore just leave” to “you trapped me with these kids now I can’t ever get rid of you” and the one that sticks with you would be “you are the reason I become depressed and fall into the cycle again.” The blame the distance the lack of everything that brings two people together make you question everything that you once felt. Was it real? Were there red flags? Am I crazy? I at first willed him to be better (that worked…. Ha) then I begged him to see it… To I asked him nicely if he wanted to address what is really wrong and called our doctor. Still on the road to recovery and I have days like today. Lonely, sad days that cause my constant need for someone to notice. The “victim” feeling if you will, I know I am not the victim to his depression but an innocent bystander in the quake of it’s destruction. I forget that I have a story and a side too, it’s mostly Bob’s depression and his good days we focus on.
Heather your reply is exactly where I am at now. I am broken and so sad, my husband can’t have a conversation with me. Every time I am in his presence I can see the anger in him, if I just say something wrong he lashes out on me and says “just give me a break, leave me alone” I feel like he hates me so very much. When we are around friends he is the nicest guy you will ever meet. But I live in hell at home, I tiptoe around and I’m scared to say anything because it might trigger his depression and then I have to sit and cry and be completely shattered. He never comforts me or apologise because of his depression. Its horrid and its so extremely painful to me and our kids who can sometimes hear how he shouts at me. And I am always wrong, I get told I don’t support him, that I have no sympathy. Its all so painful.
I just saw your reply – two years later…I hope you are well. Of course here I am again – things have morphed, but are not necessarily better. Is this my life? Is this your life too? Perhaps there is comfort in numbers….I hope. I hope.
Hi,
I am finally at a breaking point. My husband has been depressed for years and yet I am finally realizing it now. Our marriage has steadily declined and Ism wondering what to do. We have a beautiful 6 yr old son.
I’ve suffered from depression since my earliest memories from childhood. I can now manage it without medication and have learned to push the dark blob of depression’s soot into the corner of the room. But when I ask my wife, with whom I am very close, to listen to me on rare occasions because I feel utterly and suddenly depressed, she tells me – in a very strident voice – about how worse she feels and that no-one ever listens to her, often suggesting that work-related pressures are the cause and that its my fault that they are what they are.
Any thoughts about how to re-approach her so that I can tell her about how I feel and what I feel like. If I bottle it all up, I’m not at all sure that its a good thing.
I try to help my wife in many ways – and it goes a lot further than putting the toilet seat back down.
The best advice i can offer is to write down what you want to say and examine how you say it. My now ex, I realize now when I look back, was trying to speak to me about his depression but the way he approached it often left me feeling attacked (honestly it was appalling), and I would bite back. He still thinks I am an awful person (he blames me for his depression, is vocal about it). Ask for help directly, and talk about your current emotions.
Here I am crying my eyes out. Yet I am not the depressed spouse but I am the transferred depression result. I have been with my husband for 7 years. For years it has been a discussion, whether he is depressed or not, why there is a lack of enthusiasm and why social events or gatherings are avoided or “tolerated”, why I am the initiator of positive change, why I am the initiator of our mutual happiness and adventure. There were a lot of loving, understanding, supporting conversations, there were a lot of hopes and promises that lasted only few weeks, and then there were the yelling, crying, breaking up, sobbing, losing hope moments. Then there are the accusations that I don’t support enough and criticize too much. Then there were the name-calling the shifting blame and the placing burden and responsibilities on me. As described by many before me as the never-ending rollercoaster. Yet, the depression speaks louder and louder each year and talks over me and talks over our conversations in making our future happy and colorful. And here I am, the one who came into this relationship loving the world and embracing the opportunities we could have, now crying daily and contemplating if there is happiness out there. Seeing my own efforts failing to trying to disconnect from his negativity and depression and strengthen my positive attitude. Who ever asked me and our child if I want to do the extra work to not get caught up in his depression and trying to pull myself together, while he claims that he has his depression “under control” and antidepressants and therapy are not for him, despite being diagnosed with depression and family direct members having a history of life-long depression. I want a life that is loving and caring. I want to breath and not worry at what moment I might make him mad, say something that is not appropriate, not good enough, do something that he assumes I am pushing him away…
I want to not have moments of happiness and while they are happening, worrying about when they will stop because something in his life happens that sets him off. I am tired. I am worn out. I am hopeless and I feel that it is a situation that will require drastic measures, which have to be initiated by me.
The constant promises of change, the repeated I-will-make-my-depression-priority hopes that dissolve into “I wouldn’t be depressed because of you” within a week are not a big enough straw for me to hold on and keep myself and our daughter above water.
All I can say to everyone dealing with depression or someone being with someone who is depressed. It is irresponsible, selfish, and reckless to think that the depressed individual does not require professional help. And consequences and the damage you are causing with your inability or willingness to battle depression will be more damaging to you and your partner/spouse/family/children than you ever bargained for. These ripple effects are for life!
Those who are loving a depressed partner/spouse, it is only a matter of time that the depression cloud will follow you too. Not chemically but physically and emotionally. Always remember that the depressed individual has to want to ask for help and no one will be able to make him/her do it. And while your depressed partner/spouse is not getting help you will be part of this rollercoaster until you finally get off or your partner decides to get help.
it’s always hard but also comforting to read posts like these. I am at the cusp, at the beginning- not yet married. but feeling these same things. I already question if there is such a thing as a happiness. I hope he gets his act together for your sake.
Hey there my name is Courtney. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. I started noticing his depression when he would get mad at me for no reason. He would blame me for pretty much everything. I would say something and he would take it as if i were attacking him. He then started staying in bed for a few days. He would tell me that I think hes a monster and that he is a disgrace. A few days later he will say sorry and that his depression takes over him. I tell him that he needs help and he has to work with me to get better. Then it happens again. He gets mad at me for no reason. and always says I’m blaming his depression and that I’m the one who starts all the arguments and that I’m stupid. Someone please tell me how I can get him to let me in, to get him the help he needs. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so much and taken so much and I feel pretty helpless right about now.
I feel I can’t take any more. I’m so angry at his moods all the time I’ve loved him for so many years now and I feel the love is fleeting and the depression is taking over. I just can’t help him he’s has had episodes for years on and off. I try to swallow it and not react I tiptoe round all the time and it gets me no where but mad. I want to do is shout and screem how come you get away with this behaviour I’m treated like total scum when he’s like this. I know it’s not him it’s the depression he doesn’t mean it it’s not my fault, but I can’t take any more of it I have to sheald the kids as much as I can I’ve no one I can talk to because he’d go mad if I told them how I really feel. I’m tiered and my brain hurts my feelings are never descussed and even if I try to say what about me he doesn’t care at all. I know it’s the depression. But it’s killing me. What kind of life are me and the children to have for what’s left of it I’m 4o next year and I just think what’s the point going on and being treated like this. He works hard he provides for us, but boy don’t we know about it! He has this belief in his head that just because I work a hour and a half job a day I don’t really do anything? I do it all the cooking cleaning washing housework everything I bust my guts but yet when he’s mad he always tells me how rubbish I am puts me down and tells me I’m useless at it all even bringing the kids up! I’m horrified at his attitude and have contemplated suiside in my darkest hours. He won’t listen there seems no way out and I just don’t have the emotional energy any more. I feel I’m bullied into a pointless existence and there’s no way out. When he’s good he’s good and we’ve had our happy times the kids are aware daddy gets sad sometimes and we hurry round so that all is ok in the house and all is done so there’s nothing for him to worry about when he gets home. I try to be calm and brush off his negativity about everything like his work his family everything seems to annoy him! There are rere moments of clarity I can count on my one hand where he’s said he know he’s not right and it’s this problem or that and I’ve been able to say “hunnie it’s you really your feeling blue and depressed” Then he’s ok for a few days but it creeps back and the depression comes in especially if he’s put under pressure. I just wish wish he dident have it I just wish he was normal and could love me and our family the way I do. But he can’t it’s the depression and I know it’s not right to carry on but I guess I’ve got to. I know I sound very needy and selfish moaning like this it’s not like me usually and I know some people understand and will say get help get therapy, talk to someone and this will get easier but it’s not a possibility at the moment. As I type I feel my self calming down and seeing the hope again in me that I’ve got to have. Not just for my self but for my family. Depression to me is like the worst illness. I know I’ll upset saying this but it’s worse than other illnesses sometimes because you know you can get pain relief and there’s an end to it a cure a wheel chair a walking stick or bandage and cream this is relentless and takes everything out of you pulls at every pice of you. Thanks for listening x
Hi Kate – just wanted to let you know that everything, absolutely EVERYTHING you said in your email is a perfect description of what goes on in my marriage. Everything – the blame, the judgement, the flat-out insults (I’ve also been told that I’m failing as a mother!) and I know how absolutely gut-wrenchingly painful it can be to be torn down when you are working your butt off and constantly told that you are not good enough.
I know how it can feel to not know where to turn, to try to do what you can to avoid the blame, to resent having to behave like that, to feel that you have to be strong for yourself and the kids AND your husband, to try and keep some sense of yourself amidst all of this turmoil.
Most of all I wanted to say thank you for writing this because it helped me to realise that I am NOT going mad, that the accusations that my husband throws at me have little or no basis in reality, that when they are real, they are not expressed reasonably, and that, most of all, it is not my fault.
My husband has suffered from depression his whole life (we are just 40 too) and I am hoping that he is finally going to get the help that I know he desperately needs, whatever form that help takes. Anything would be good right now because I can’t do this alone!
I hope that you and I can eventually find a place of peace and love with our families but until that happens, I wanted to reach out my hand to you and say: you are not alone. And: I understand. I hope that that gesture helps a little.
With love and thanks,
Zoe x
You are not alone…tnx for your posts…it gives me enlightenment on my husband’s situation..
Thank yal. Yal are not alone
My husband is depressed and my life is a rollercoaster. I sometimes think he would just be better off if I got out of his life, as I am pretty sure he blames me every time we have conflict. I always feel I live on shaky ground and cannot be myself. Sometimes I feel afraid …. if I try to express myself things usually get worst between us. I have started sleeping in the room alone, trying to give him the message that I don’t like the way I am being treated. At the same time feeling guilty for doing so. Any advice for me.
I am not my usual self when my husband is going through withdrawals, turned his back on me and completely shuts me out. I had an identity for almost 20 years i.e. a wife and a mother of 3. Half of that is slowly evaporating, while the mother side is trying to cope with everyday life alone with our children while I am slowly dying inside. The confidence and self esteem has gone. I read these articles over and over again, and I try to understand what my husband is going through, but it does not mean I want to accept it.
How can a person I have loved for almost 23 years, and who loved me be so cruel? How could he easily shut his heart from me and fall for another? How can he say he has known this new love all his life and have so much in common and interest, when he has only rekindled a friendship a few months ago after knowing her when they were teenagers? How could he destroy everything we have built in the last 20 years, the turmoils and overcoming the worst as a team? Why do I feel like I am the culprit of this ordeal, while he has isolated himself to recover from his illness? I am normally very strong, I have my ups and downs but then I quickly snap out of it and come back to reality. But now, I am dying all alone in my grief, mourning for the identity that has gone into a coma and will probably not survive. I’m tired of putting on a smile everyday, while my heart is in pieces.
So answer to question, no I am not still me while my husband is depressed.
Happy New Year everyone!
I have a little update and a question to John.
My children pleaded with me to be myself again, the strong women they look up to and love. The things they had to say and their feelings about this whole ordeal with their father, brought me to tears and at the same time woke me up from my coma. The last thing that gave me the final kick was watching my daughters many facial expression during NYE. She and I spent it with friends, a couple with small children doing their family thing. A great sight to see and also painful because that was how my family use to be. I watched her when we went outside 10 minutes to midnight, and she sat quietly on the steps when the father of the family came over and put an arm around her and said that she could join the other children and light up as many firecrackers she wanted. That broke my heart because that was usually something she did with her father. My tears were for her and then anger arose.
This sickness along with alcohol as destroyed my family. The man and father to my children, could not muster enough energy to celebrate NYE with us, instead he chose to spend it with his new lover.
I see all of his best 2014 wishes to everyone with love and affection, but not one message sent to his own family.
John, all 3 of my children are hurting in different ways. The oldest refuses to have anything to do with her father. She gave up trying to help him with his alcohol problem, the long conversations they had and promises to get help were all in vain. Her anger is troubling me and she is taking it out on her sisters, and she cannot accept that his depression drove him to easily turn his back on his family and replace it with another women. The sex chatting with girls as young as herself also sickens her. My oldest daughter pleaded with me that I should give up hope that he is coming back, I deserve better and that he can be his new lover’s problem and not ours. My second child, is staying away from the house as often as possible and spending more times with friends. My youngest has had stomach pains for several weeks, and after changing diet and medicine it did not help until I tried relief medicine for stomach ulcer symptoms. It dawned on me that quite often when something is going on in her life she often gets stomach pains. I recall many trips to the doctors and many sleepless nights holding her while her stomach felt twisted. Doctor’s could never find a reason for it.
You should know that I am making some changes in our house, and I am not moping around looking miserable anymore. I have also asked my husband not to come around anymore uninvited. It stirs up too much pain for me, and that is what my children notice more. My misery is also making them miserable.
John, will children ever forgive the depressed partner’s actions?
Hi Dave
Please help yourself before your wife suck you into the depression, because that’s where I’m at the moment. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. We had the perfect relationship ever. Everyone envied us and friends and family would ask our secret to our happiness before they walk down the aisle! Well unfortunately it all changed now.
I think it started when our twins were born in 2010. I think my husband must have felt rejected a bit, because believe me twins are a handful. He helped a lot with the kids and I felt sorry for him, I could see the strain it had on him. I told him one night he should go out with his friends so he can have a break. What a mistake! Later I found a text on his phone from another woman. He said SHE kissed him. Anyway that’s where my depression started. He apologised profusely. I started seeing a therapist.
I had such self-loathing, hated my body, felt numb inside, was unhappy all the time. I was so scared I was going to lose him. My husband said he loved me just the way I am and tried to help me feel better about myself. He wasn’t clued up about the depression, because I wouldn’t let him come with me to therapy, because I just needed to vent to a stranger and I didn’t want him to know what I was saying.
Anyway I started feeling better but instead of trying to lose the weight, I carried on stuffing my face. I didn’t trust my husband anymore. We were ok, but started drifting apart. He became so health conscious after my brother in law died of a heart attack in Feb 2013. The more weight he lost the more I piled it on. Anyway he dropped the bomb about a month ago! I sucked him into depression.
He is angry all the time and take it out on me and the kids. He told me he loves and cares for me but have no affection towards me. He says he feels dead inside and has been unhappy for a very long time. He said he was pretending to be happy, but can’t keep it up anymore. He has become a stranger over night. He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t touch me. He sleeps in my sons room. Leaves for work early in the morning and come home late at night. This has “snapped” me out of my depression.
I can’t sleep and can’t eat. I have lost so much weight in one month, it’s crazy! I’m half the person I was a month ago, whereas it would’ve taken me months to lose all that weight. I’ve begged him to go for help and he said he will but he says he just wants to figure this out for himself first. He wants to move out to do this. I am crushed. I told him that I still love him and I am there if he needs to talk or need help. But I can’t help him get better. He has to do it for himself. It’s mad because if I show him my love, he feels trapped. If I leave him alone and give him space, he feels worthless and unwanted.
I’ve come to the conclusion to work on myself. I want to be content in my life, and not just happy. Because happiness is only short term but contentment is eternal. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things I’ve never done before. I’m becoming excited of what lies ahead in my life and making my kids feel happy and loved but sadly I’m losing my soulmate, my best friend, my everything in the process. I hope someday he will find himself and not regret what he has lost.
I’m married to a beautiful woman who I’ve been with for 15 years. For the past few months she’s gotten very angry, distant, the love just seems to have disappeared. She agrees that she is depressed, but insists that she can deal with it herself, not really wanting to talk through the problems with me (although now I am so nervous that I may make it worse!). She did do a few counseling sessions, but after a break ( she went away by herself for two weeks) now says it’s a waste of time and money. It’s very difficult to deal with when everything I do seems just to make the situation worse!
It’s gotten unfortunately to the stage where I now struggle. Am I depressed? Should we split up? Should I get antidepressants to better my mood in order that I don’t make the situation worse. To be honest the last thing I want is to split, so much time, love and effort invested surely should mean we can pull through together? I just see no obvious route.
I write this as I feel quite the opposite to most posts in that I’m the man who wants to talk things out, whilst my wife is holding everything in – I’d love to know if others feel the same?
Thanks all for the posts and the articles, it does give some hope that things can get sorted. I hope that at some point I can post a positive follow up!
D
My Name is Jennifer,I’m married to a Wonderful Man ,when he’s not down.He has times in his life of shutting down and being mean to those who Love,&care about him.I had him to agree to go see the Dr this past Monday,he was given Meds. I feel I’m riding a Roller Coaster everyday.One day he turns to me ,other days he acts as if he don’t know me.Today he stated to just end our marriage and hes been in the bed the remainder of the day.I love him but his words hurt so bad ,and I know I don’t need to leave him,He has always lived a high means of living ,and now he isnt .He doesnt driink or drugs,he turns to Face Book and speaks with females,I feel hes looking for a replacement that he thinks that will make him get over this.I feel so alone and lost in Arkansas
I have bipolar disorder, and believe my father did too, although he died before diagnosis was very good. He wouldn’t have seen a psychiatrist either.
There are many types of manic states I’ve experienced. One known as a “mixed state” or in one author’s words “black depression” is especially destructive. Medication has been almost miraculous in freeing me from this feeling. It is black because it included hopelessness and agitation. The pain is excruciating, but you can’t tell what’s causing it. Little things set you off and you lash out at those closest to you. Our minds seek the cause of pain, and it seems like it comes from other people as well as the self you are trying to defend from utter worthlessness. It’s easy to think that everything would be better if you just got away from the people who seem to be unable to understand.
When I was on the receiving end of this type of blowup, or sometimes a silent withdrawal, along with my siblings and mother, it was devastating, and the damage done when I was a small child seems like it will never heal. She tried and tried to endure, compensate, or cater to him, to no avail. At the time, divorce was socially unacceptable.
In my own case, I was in my 40s before I found effective treatment and am still haunted by how it must have affected my son. It destroyed my first marriage (which had primarily been my way of leaving my family of origin in hopes that things would be better at a distance.)
I agree that finding a therapist is a good thing, and don’t hesitate to shop around to find the right therapist for you. You are likely to be walking around in a state of PTSD after bouts of anger from your spouse, unless you are unusually resilient.
You probably feel like the spouse you loved is there inside the manic emotions and behavior, and that’s true. The illness is the thing you shouldn’t be exposed to unnecessarily. You can make this clear. You need your own safe space where you can nurture yourself and see friends and family without fear of things going bad.
Hi, Karen –
That state of “black depression” you describe sounds just like what I’ve often gone through. It was most intense about 20+ years ago, and there was no relief for it. I felt quite out of control on many days, and it was my family that took the brunt of it. I’m so glad your treatment brought you out of it. Keeping the marriage together was a close call because the me my wife married was completely gone in those periods. When I snapped out of it and got back to being a good mate again, she could trust me because she knew I’d disappear before long into that same form of depression. That’s where I think the long-term damage can happen. Putting up with instability means taking abusive treatment for much of the time. If there’s a clear treatment plan in place that the depressed partner is fully committed to, I think there is hope for the future. Otherwise, you have to look at the limits of what you and children can or should take.
John
I think you have to question the effect on you of the illness. Being abused, whether it’s him or the illness talking, is not good for either of you. If this is repeated, and he is not managing his behavior, especially if children are being exposed to this, you may be better off separating and offering support from a greater distance.
Living with a bipolar husband is extremely difficult especially during hypomanic episodes and agitated depressions. During this last one, he became extemely critical of me and blamed me for his illness. Then he went out and impulsively filed for divorce. He refuses to talk to me and just sends text and e-mail messages berating me and showing irrational anger for things I did not do. I am independent and can take care of myself, but how do I deal with this latest divorce filing? It was done in a fit of anger and I don’t think he really wants it, or at least he won’t when he comes down from his hypomanic spell. The courts push cases along, and to try to mediate with him when he is in this state is impossible. Advice, anyone?
Hi, Lynn –
Bipolar disorder is quite different from unipolar depression. I have not dealt with a bipolar person in a hypomanic state nor do I have this disorder. I’ve relied on Julie Fast’s book for a better understanding of how to react to a partner during hypomania. One thing I do know for sure is that his behavior and thinking are always irrational and it takes special care to respond. On the other hand, you have to consider how much you can take and when you may just have to call it quits. Consulting a therapist could be important for you. On the divorce issue, I’d see if an attorney can help slow down the process. I’m not sure how it might play out, but it’s not in his interest to get near legal process in his condition. There is always the possibility of the court intervening in his treatment if he’s acting in an obviously irrational way and/or you/your attorney raise the issue. That’s an extreme and probably remote possibility, but you’d have to consider what that would do. I doubt you want the state getting involved, unless things are completely out of hand. You’re right that mediation won’t work. I am a mediator, by the way, though in a much different field, and know a lot about this process. If it later becomes necessary or possible to use mediation, there are protocols for representing the interests of someone in an irrational state.
Taking care of yourself is the priority at this point.
I really hope this works out in a positive way.
John
Somehow I learned when I was about 20 how girls tend to choose men like their fathers, and I realized that my strongest attractions were to self-centered “bad boys” and that i never fell in love with the nice guys. I made a conscious decision then to find a dependable, normal guy who would be a good father, was not an alcoholic, and believed in going to work every day. My first husband fit those requirements but he eventually wanted someone less complicated and more outgoing. I found someone less outgoing and more compatible, but still not depressed or addiction-prone. Both were good fathers to my son. If you had a parent who hurt or belittled your other parent, you need to make sure you stay away from relationships that echo the same. My sisters and mother didn’t get that insight soon enough and married men much like my dad. They are out of those marriages now, but as you say, went years without the support they needed.
Hi, Karen –
What you say makes me realize how hard it is to escape the influence of your parents in finding a partner. Men are said to be looking for their mothers, just as you say women look for their fathers. Some people seem to look for the same problems, others for the idealized version of the parent. My wife and I went for the opposites of our parents. A steady guy as opposed to an alcoholic, a generous spirited woman instead of an egocentric depressed one. Still, though, the influence is inescapable – choosing the opposite instead of the same type relates to the same need. My parents also married opposites of their parents – in culture as well as personality. They were both rebels, but that motive didn’t keep them going.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment —
John
I truly do not know how my husband has been able to live with me for 31 years. I have had times when I lost control and screamed at him, blaming him for my distress, or he has held me for hours as I sobbed and told him of the crises of past and present. Medication and therapy have eliminated the screaming, and much of the crying. Still, I feel bad that he does all the cooking, shopping, and vacuuming because I am just too tired. He has to look at the face of depression every day. He has found his own space with his music, and has kept his distance from my inner state. Finally last year I realized that I was constantly trying to explain how it felt to have bipolar disorder to create some empathy, and that he was never going to understand. It’s helped a lot. When I need support, I can call my sisters, who were there in our terrifying home with a bipolar (undiagnosed), alcoholic (a word we never used) father, and a distracted codependent mother.
There relationship was much more enmeshed and toxic. No one understood that depression and anger were symptoms of a medical disorder and my father could only see that you could be sane or insane and he wasn’t crazy. My mother didn’t know how it felt, but did all she could to go along with his wishes and needs. The result was a family system that was sick. Now I know that some of my sisters were suffering from depression, as was I, and it was impossible for my mother to deal with such a crazy situation. She used denial to survive.
So there’s a contrast of husband-wife relationships when one is sick and the other is not.
Hi, Karen –
I too don’t know how my wife managed to stay with me for so long, but I think that she, like your husband, just has a deep bond that can survive a lot of punishment. You’re very fortunate to have someone who can find a way to take care of himself while being so responsive to you. It’s great that you’ve worked out a good system for support.
So many families of people our age had no social support or knowledge to help them recognize these problems and get treatment. I lived with a similar situation and that surely had a lot to do with depression – that started long before I left home.
It’s great you didn’t get into a similar situation as an adult – a lot of people haven’t been able to get away from it.
I hope things keep getting better for you —
John
Hi John — you discuss in a number of your blogs on how critical it was for you to put yourself at the center of your recovery. Can you elaborate on that a bit further? I don’t have a sense of clarity on that issue from you and I think it’s really important for me to understand this. Your blog has been so instrumental in helping me to comprehend my ex-partners battle with depression. Right now, we are still very much a part of each other’s lives and he listens to what I have to say. Thank you so much for your response.
Hi, Liz
That’s a great question. I’ve touched on parts of it in a number of posts, but I need to put them all together. I’ll do a post about that soon.
Thanks for this helpful comment.
John
I am extremely blessed with a fabulous husband who understands and at the same time is learning to take care of himself. Although I am unable, he continues to participate in activies that we once shared. He also sees my therapist every other week for his support and to understand what I am going through. I count myself very blessed.
I am saddened that it wasn’t the same for you. However, I have learned who my true friends are.
Hi, Clinically Clueless –
It’s wonderful to hear that your husband is so supportive and has such balanced understanding. After all you’ve been through and still struggle with, that’s truly a great blessing.
All my best to you –
John
No spouse should have to cope with the rejection and chaos of dealing with a depressed partner alone. After living for 10 years with a Bipolar husband, I have recently found the “Family to Family” Education Program sponsored by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) to be a life saver. I am a physician and my husband and I have gone to numerous psychologists, psychiatrists, and marital cousellors for help, but none of them were anywhere near as valuable as this group (and it is free!) It is a 12 week intensive course and support group for family members and friends of people with depression and other mental illnesses. It is extemely professional, organized, and references the most up-to-date data on treatment. They have groups throughout the country and I advise everyone to give it a try. Go to http://www.nami.org.
Thank you, Lynn –
I’m glad to know about this program and that it’s worked so well for you. I’ll look into it right away. Everyone needs support like that, and it’s so hard – as you’ve found – to find an approach that’s really effective.
John
Hi John,
I don’t know if you have heard of a Catholic writer of devotional books called Henri Nouwen. He was persuaded to publish his first book when he read; if someone doesn’t practice what they preach, perhaps their preaching while shame them into practicing it.
Some things I’m good at practicing. And I try to open about my failures but I don’t think I’d like to be quizzed on how much I live out each of my blog posts!
Hi, Evan –
I’ve been deeply moved by some of Nouwen’s writing – especially the book about his period of depression. And I hear you about being quizzed. The most embarrassing thing for me is writing all sorts of honest and probing things in these posts – and then blowing it completely when trying to talk to my wife!
John
Thank you for addressing this topic because I have yet to find anything that truly states how I feel being the partner (as of today officially the ex-partner) of a depressed man for 2 years. For me, I have a few issues that I battle with…so much so that I am now in therapy to help me cope. I know I’m not depressed but I do know I have had depressed moments trying to deal with his emotional withdrawal then seemingly wanting me back only to withdraw again when he felt I was getting too close and the “walls” were coming in on him. Relationships bring people together because there is a shared need. For me it was wanting to feel passionate again. For him, he wanted to heal and believed that us being together could do that. Of course, I had no idea he suffered from depression when we first got together but once I did realize I chose to stay b/c I was already in love w/him and didn’t want to judge him on an illness he had no control over. But now here I am and I feel rejected which is the most difficult feeling for me to handle…rejected by someone who would prefer to be alone and isolated as oppose to being with me. I am the only friend he has in the city we live in…he moved here from the west coast to start a new life and I was part of that. I am a successful professional business woman and I wonder how I could have lost my sense of self in order to make him happy. In a way our relationship ending has lifted a burden for me as I don’t have to wake up every morning trying to figure out how I am going to make this relationship last and make him happy—forgetting my happiness. I will always love him and I wish we could get to a place where we understand our boundaries and continue a loving relationship but as you have said, that is rare. I could go on and on but I thank you, John, for allowing me to express.
Hi, John –
I think I have avoided relationships because of the fear of dragging down the other or being drug down . . . I feel “safer” having to only be responsible for myself (and not a husband, not a marriage, not kids, etc.)
The trade off is that I often find myself very lonely.
I’m still looking for a healthy way to see all of this . . .
Thanks for the great post!
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
I’m unusual – I’m male and it is my partner who battled the depression: it looks like she was largely won the battle (there may be little skirmishes in the future I guess but it does look like she has won the battle).
This is a huge relief. Living with her misery was far from easy. Much to her credit she did her best to care for me even when depressed and appreciated my care for her.
For me: I did learn lessons about being detached and caring at the same time; about how to care for myself so I could care for another.
On a philosophical note: I think we are social individuals rather than isolated individuals. Our relationships are not only exterior to who we are but form part of us. I’m not sure we have a very well developed language to talk about this but I think it’s very important.
Hello, Evan –
That’s a great point about our being social rather than isolated individuals. It’s very hard to unlearn all the cultural messages and imperatives about being a self-sufficient, self-made individual – as if everything we know and do has no context with other people at all. One of the prevailing myths!
I’m glad your partner has won her battle. I’ve found it a severe test of any relationship when that misery starts dominating a partner’s life. It’s fortunate you found the right balance of care and detachment – and could take care of yourself. It sounds like you’re able to practice what you preach – how I wish I could do that as well.
Thanks for coming by —
John