There are many strains that depression imposes on relationships, and the most extreme can lead to a sudden break-up. Depressed partners seem to change overnight, turn on their loved ones and decide to leave. They may offer an explanation, but many refuse to communicate at all. The abandoned partner is desperate to do something but often has no idea what might be possible or what to hope for.
I went through a crisis like this with my wife, not as the abandoned partner but as the depressed one looking for a way out. I stopped short of a complete break, but a great many do leave, hoping in this way to end depression. Of course, it’s no solution at all, and they only succeed in victimizing those who love them most.
The partner who suddenly loses a loved one to depression, witnessing the transformation from intimacy to hostility almost overnight, is stunned and disbelieving. While reacting from the depths of hurt and anger, she’s also scrambling to explain something that seems to defy explanation.
(This might seem unfair, but I’m referring to the depressed partner who leaves as a man, the one left behind as a woman. Although I know that women with depression also leave their families, I’m writing in this way because almost all the comments, posts and emails I’ve read online come from women trying to understand why they’ve been left. Those are the situations I know best.)
Making Sense of a Collapsing Life
I think the need to have an explanation for such a deep crisis is overwhelming. When a basic prop of living is knocked away, we’ve got to restore some sort of balance. No one can live in total confusion so it’s natural to seize on the first thing that appears to make sense. There’s a story we come to believe that helps us put the disaster into a setting that is at least understandable, though it doesn’t solve anything by itself.
What it does is to offer some hope that things can change, for better or worse, and it usually defines a step to take. It relieves the sense of helplessness because we have a clearer idea of what to do and what to hope for.
Both partners go through this in different ways. There’s no excusing the destructive behavior of the partners who leave – despite the influence of depression – and no escaping the consequences of the hurt they cause at an intimate level. It’s important, however, to understand the stories they tell themselves in order to have some guidance when reacting to the loss.
Depression in Control
The depressive who ends a relationship may appear to be more in control of the situation, but I think that’s a false impression. He’s reacting to a baffling illness that has disrupted every aspect of his life. There must be a way to explain it, and unfortunately he finds a way by blaming his partner, the most loving and supportive person in his life.
Depression has turned him away from others so completely that he’s not seeing his partner as a person anymore. She’s only a symbol of what is wrecking him inside. If he believes a different partner will make up for everything that’s wrong, he’s not seeing that person in real terms either – she’s only a symbol of what he wants.
He’s gripped by the feeling that’s he’s lost control of his life. He can’t get himself out of a downward emotional spiral. He’s lost the motivation to do anything, his job performance is getting worse all the time, he can’t keep his mind focused on anything. He can’t talk to his family or his friends, and when he does it’s usually in anger. Everything is collapsing.
That’s the crisis he needs to explain, but tragically he takes the most destructive path that only imposes pain on others without lessening his own.
The Depressed Partner’s Stories
I’ve heard many versions of these false explanations, the stories that push a depressed partner to leave. Each one makes it easy to deflect an honest effort to deal directly with depression.
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I never had such emotional turmoil or trouble at work before this relationship. I wouldn’t be depressed if I were with the right person. She’s the problem. Getting her out of my life is the solution.
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I don’t love her at all. She doesn’t give me what I need, and I can’t feel much of anything anymore. Only by leaving can l find the right person who will give me all the passion and intensity I don’t have in this relationship.
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My depression is so terrible that I need to be alone to deal with it. I can’t handle the demands of an intimate relationship. Once on my own, I’ll be able to get rid of it.
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I have a dark and dangerous power within me that can only hurt the people who love me. I need to get away in order to spare my partner the damage and torture of being exposed to my dark side. Controlling and hiding this monster is something I must do at all costs. Leaving is the best thing I can do.
None of this will help in the long run. A partner who leaves for a better life won’t find it. This is only a way to avoid realistic treatment for depression. To quote the title of Jon-Kabat Zinn’s well-known book, Wherever You Go, There You Are. Depression doesn’t disappear because you change relationships or any external aspect of your life.
The Abandoned Partner’s Attempts to Understand
The initial attempts to explain so shocking an event are tentative since abandoned partners don’t really know what their partners have been thinking or going through. Besides the leaving itself, they have only hints or brief explanations to go on.
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I must have done something wrong, though I don’t know what. I need to show how much I really care and that I’ll never lose that love. That’s the solution that will bring him back.
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He’s depressed but doesn’t know it. I need to help him see that he has this illness and can get help. I’m the only one who cares enough to make a real difference in his life. He’ll see that, get treatment and we can start again.
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I can’t understand this at all. We had the greatest relationship imaginable, and he just walked off. He won’t talk to me, but I have to know why he did this and let him know that we can deal with whatever it is. I have to keep trying to get a message through to him. so that I can understand. I just need to know why.
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I’m desperate and can’t live without him. There must be something I can do to get him back. Even if everything fails, I will always hope for his return and need to let him know I’m always there for him.
The common thread is the desperation to stay in touch and to get some response – in other words, to keep the relationship alive. There has to be hope that he’ll come back, even if all the signals indicate that he won’t. That hope and the attempts to communicate provide a sense of purpose, however shaky.
I can’t imagine any other response, no matter what the reality may be. I felt exactly that way when I went through a similar crisis in my early twenties. I was the one who was abandoned and felt I simply could not survive without her.
The Next Phase
There are lots of other explanations, I’m sure, but these are the ones I hear most often. Each one tries to explain what’s happened to make it possible to get through the crisis and do something to relieve the sense of helplessness.
I think all the stories are understandable in the midst of such emotional turmoil and the feeling of life collapsing. Once things have settled down a little, though, there are a few steps that can be taken, though the damage to the relationship may be permanent.
I’ll take that up in the second part of this series.
Have you lived through anything like this or know others who have? How did you/they initially try to explain what was happening? How did you/they come to see things after the initial shock?
Image by Dionne Hartnett
Emma says
My ex turned into some one completely different, he was full of anger and blame, I’ve never seen anything like it. He walked out on me and the children, got into a rebound relationship and won’t communicate. He tells everyone lies so they blame me, his entire family think I was abusive they believe I kicked him out and am crazy holding our children to ransom and hating on him.
My children have lost their father and that side of the family.
I still can’t get my head around it he haunts my thoughts, its been years since he left, I put it down to the amount of emotional abuse I endured and lack of closure, maybe it would’ve been easier if we didn’t have children, I can’t make sense of it, no matter how much counciling I get I still fear seeing him in the street, i still dream about him, I still see constant reminders everywhere and go over the past in my head.
And my children are the same, they don’t want a father, I cleared all reminders of him from our home, they still won’t goto certain places we went with him in fear of seeing him there, if they see someone who looks like him in the street they want to turn round and go the other way even if I tell them its ok its not him I can see its not trust me.
Fred says
My wife’s mom and me don’t get along. When my wife married me 3 months ago her mother and 17 yr old daughter turned on her and the 17 yr old daughter wouldn’t see her mom, my wife for 3 months. Then my wife attempted suicide 4 weeks ago. She took prescription pills. I called 911 and saved her. She was in a psyc ward for 3 months. I visited often and neither her mom or daughter visited at all. Yesterday 4/6/18, my wife got discharged and came home to my home where she has been living for 3 months. In the cab on the way home she seemed strange. After we got home she told me she is going back to Live with her mom because her mom said as long as she leaves me and lives there she can see her daughter.
Im crushed , in depressed and I can’t believe the unloyalty and noncaring act by me wife to even have the balls to have me go to the psyc ward to get her out of there. Then leaves me.
I know I am boxing myself mentally into a slight depression.
Fred
elizabeth says
My partner of over 5 years, the past 3 months we’ve lived together and made a new commitment to each other. We have a private rent contract, a joint account. We moved on to the next chapter together. We had ups and downs, including me having a temper and him also having a temper.
He reacted really strongly this one Sunday morning, ended up braking electronics in the house and damaging our privately rented house carpet. I was scared of him and didn’t know how it got so intense. He left me on Sunday night and came back the Monday night. We talked, we were calm and made sense with each other, I thought we were going to move forward. 3 days later, on a Thursday I came back from work in the evening and he just suddenly started talking then shouting and getting very emotional, that he didn’t like the person he’s become, that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, that he’s given me too many chances, that he is broken and numb inside. He blamed me for becoming a certain way, for my emotional states. Although I spent 5 years showing him he is my everything and how much I love him. I helped him in many ways with everything. He made me feel real love for the first time in my life, happiness. I know I have depression, and for a long time I’ve been trying to control my short temper, but every time I had told him I never intend to hurt him, I’m just a passionate person, it seems like it’s not enough. I’m even trying to change my ways progressively.
On that Thursday night He ended up leaving the house, I had taken a shower, was drying my hair in the bedroom, he was getting toiletries in the bathroom. He left and didn’t even look at me or say goodbye. He has not communicated with me for 4 days. His possessions are here. His mother won’t even reply to my message to tell me he is well. He won’t reply to my messages, to tell me whether he is ok and if he is coming back. I gave him space, I realised after going downhill with emotions on Thursday night, that I needed to not sending him any more messages and give him space. Today is Monday, I still don’t have a reply to determine if he is ever coming back. Everything he owns is here in the house. I am back on the anti depressants for my own safety as I don’t know how to cope. I can’t go to work, I’m also supposed to complete my second degree, I made this place a home with him for the past 3 months, we were happy. Suddenly this happens. Last week we were happy, talking about marriage and plans of starting a family. Now and I’m alone for the first time, living alone for the first time. I invested the 5 years in him, I don’t have a any friends as he is my best friend. I’m waking up with the same flood of emotions every morning, looking out the window at night to check if he is coming back, every noise I hear, my heart beats fast, wondering if tis him coming home.
John says
My partner suffers from depression we’ve only been together 4 months but got engaged very quickly as we fell in love she was amazing wonderful loving caring in fact we both agreed we’ve found our soul mate she moved up within a couple of months everything was amazing I work away only home weekends she works in the morning at weekends but her face lights when she sees me we’ve just moved to a bigger house now she has dropped the bombshell she’s leaving as her depression is back she says it’s not me it’s her as she was in a violent relationship and it’s scared her badly I tried to talk to her asking her not to leave as I am away most of the week my heart is aching as I love her so much and I am at a loss I’ve tried to get her to talk to me that we can get thro this together but she has taken this place and she needs to sort herself out and she has to love herself again I feel helpless and lost still trying to get her to stay as i no she’s all mixed thro it is there any advice for me she has had a few controlling relationships before I am am the complete opposite I do have a bit of OCD so do you think I was the cause and is there a future for us also read up on it a bit and so trying to understand it as I feel it’s my fault can you help as I am completely lost without her thanks
Grace says
My boyfriend of 2.5 yrs broke up with me out of the blue two days ago. We are both 27 years old, have both been in long term relationships before, and we thought very carefully about being together. Our relationship and our friendship is amazing, we he a connection like I never imagined possible. Only three weeks ago he was talking about having children together and our future.
He has recently been through multiple stressful situations, to the point where he began to become depressed and was prescribed some medication. That was a few months ago. When I spoke to him on the phone two nights ago, he seemed sad, distant, and depressed. He said he is just living day to day, doesn’t want to see his friends, and doesn’t know how to feel about anything any more.
I realise that I do take some responsibility in the break up, and I have apologised for the things I did, and I have begun counselling to get myself better.
I am completely devastated by him saying we should just be friends. I am so scared that I will never get him back. He says that he still loves me and he will forever, which is why I am wondering if his medication or depression is to blame. A doctor prescribed him some meds (and gave him the wrong dosage) and neglected to follow up with him to see how he was doing.
I desperately want to help, but he has asked for space, and I have no idea what to do….
Charlierose says
Hi Grace,
I know this post was a long time ago now but I’m wondering what the situation is now? I’m in a very similar scenario right now with my (ex?!) boyfriend of 3 years who has just broken up with me and is saying very similar things to yours.
Michelle says
Hi, I’ve never posted anything anywhere before. I don’t have a lot of people in my life to really talk too so I thought maybe I should give it a try, maybe it will help me feel a little better. I woke up this morning to find that my partner of 10 years (anniversary is June 1), father of my 2 children, was gone. He leaves at 6am for work so this is normal. However when I opened the fridge to prepare lunches, I saw that the lunch I prepared for him the night before was still there – odd – work shoes still at the door – odd – called his cell, off – WTF. Went to our room, the majority of his clothes are gone and his nightstand had been thoroughly tidied up. So I continued getting the kids ready for school and I called his work – No he isn’t in today and he hadn’t called in. WTF. While I know whats actually going on, I’m still trying to believe that there has been some mistake. Some little bump in our usual weekly routine that I must have forgotten about. I swallowed hard, and got everyone to school. I’m now sitting at home trying to make sense of it all.
a little back story:
We have been together 10 years (as mentioned), we have a daughter together, and I have a son from a previous marriage that he has been a father to since my son was a year old. We have been through thick and thin. Jobs, money, depression, money, jobs, substance abuse, death in the family, going back to school, kids, money, separation. I’d like to say that we have always been there for each other, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s been rather one sided. He does deal with depression, has never really sought help in any way. He can be this fun, funny, hardworking, smart guy, but there is this part of him that has always seemed disconnected and unengaged. He has up and left twice during our relationship, this making it the third and final time, I can’t keep putting myself together again, or living with the thought that he might leave. For the last year or so, he stays in our room a lot, will take dinner alone, he has been watching these crazy youtube videos about the illuminati and other weird stuff, that at one time I found mildly interesting. But he seems to have really started to feel that the life we are living (not ours, but everyones) is a lie. I haven’t really been able to have decent conversation with him about anything for quite some time. Which really has been the demise of any real communication period. There hasn’t seemed to be any point to speak with him about much of anything to do with the household, bills, car repairs, and certainly not anything to do with my feelings. Since deciding to sit down and get this all out, it seems to me that we were faking it for quite some time. you know, fake it till you make it… Don’t get me wrong, love was always there, he never spoke rudely to me, never laid a hand on me or the kids, he loves me, the kids, our dog, the way he loves, but emotionally he was kinda absent a lot of the time. Despite all our ups and downs I love him, always will. But what I’ve realized is that its not just about love. You’ve got to have a good head on you shoulders to deal with the ups and downs, especially when you’re in a relationship. Maybe he has had a third epiphany, and this time things will work out the way they were supposed to, third times a charm. Maybe I’ll stop being an idiot and carry on with my life. Maybe he did the right thing…
laurent says
Previous to our last experience *getting back after 80 days after a 5 yr stint* now she’s done it again after 4 years, lasttime she needed my help to rebuild what she broke in those 80 days, heavy stuff….but she did miss and love me , I forgave it.
It feels like we rebuilt her at my expense emotionally and mentally etc I always wanted her to be herself and have her own rewards in life with minimum efforts, Education Car Job security and all the things that go with that, and whilst it was going on these things were supplied and fullfilled .
She couldn’t wait to move on in life by the time she had got her degree it was a hard road with so much trouble along the way but she trusted me and it all got sorted sucessfully, she has no family support and her father died during her studies, year two, and she also had a op she coulda died from sepsis which left her with one overy. She’d had a tough year , she had a small amount of counselling . I was a mess tired worried hiding some of my fears for her future health I was upset following the OP and worried and I needed time and patience and proberly a helping hand too ,I was feeling, as now, low.
She dealt with her problems on her own some with me some privately, I mainly saw the upset and we worked on her health and generally feeling better and hopeful. seemingly she was in a stage of becoming a new person, she was very stressed argued with me a lot and stressed from work, but I did my best and we got through she was constantly up and down she tried hard to keep it together with studies then work then all the mess around her.
She became very body conscious and dissatisfied with everything.
it’s here, She obviously thought and made her decision to , or think about at least, dropping everything Us at some point.
During the *end game* I being tired of doing the practical things and I didn’t see the change as a negative , I just wanted her to be well in herself and calmer. I didn’t see the cheating lies and faking, weird double talk she was trying to tell me. we did everything together even partying at home and making love, All to the day she disappeared to live with this guy I hate the secrets and lies that I can only see now, , she transfered all her troubles anxieties and stress toward me thus poisoning the relationship by not being honest or being able ? All the time she was letting go and I was hoping All would get worked out, she told me she loved me and there was “a way for us”, that really sticks in my mind. What was or is real in her emotions and what was or was not I’m still drawn on this ?
I trusted that after last time there had been some big changes good and some bad, but that she would hold it together with me and open up when she wanted to about whatever she was thinking that was hurting her, I know she will always love me and what we had but this forfieting for a new situation is brutal on me and her too, it’s risk taking extreme she is drawn toward risky things and people and doesn’t really want to do the job she is now qualified to do,she is good at it .
she can be her own worst enemy sometimes.
We did everything together we only had us , we loved us, we did go through a lot of her manifested stress which I understood and acepted, and things beyond our control but I did I my best helped and we moved along allowing her time to fix and get use to situations , New stepping stones. We were a great couple but with her two way thinking between her emotions and reactions in the end she obviously couldn’t cope with us. I absorbed a lot of her stresses and fixed problems but didn’t sense what was to come for us.
I know running from the relationship seems to offer change in the face of risk, new hope and change, following the split there seems to be a lot of change for changes sake tho, she told me she was lazy with us, I was too familiar to her, she ran but I know she’s running from herself. She hates being alone even for a short while
I know she will now transfer all our 9 years of goodness and technique on this new relationship And that’s why I’m so pissed off at the situation, we both loose, We enjoyed our time We were so close its a real shame she won’t find another me and me find another her, we both know that, what a mess.
K says
I totally understand where you are!!!! 13 yrs…he breaks up with me 6 days after my birthday 10 day before 13th anniversary. Third time and I’m done. Can’t take it anymore. Secrecy, no communication, distant, no intimacy. I’m moving on alone. I love him forever because that is something you can not fake but I can’t sit here and suffer anymore either. Emotional roller coaster….we still live together. I’m buying my own house, closing in 3 weeks which can’t come fast enough!! He is chronically depressed in therapy and came up with this out of the blue. I’m done with a capital D!!! I can’t make him any better but I pray for him. Love at a distance.
J says
Hi K,
It’s crazy that, after almost 2 and a half month from when you posted your comment, I went through the same thing with my ex, the EXACT expression is roller coaster of emotions, one week I am the best thing ever happened to her, the next week she blames me for everything
Raeda says
Hi. I am new here , but going through a hard time. I started dating this amazing guy in August (so not very long). I had to go back to my hometown for a couple of months due to visa restrictions. We had been making plans to meet at the airport and even talked about moving in when I got back. Everything seemed to be going well. I mean we had some arguments, that if anything were getting less as time went on. His actions always showed that he really cared and he always seemed to respect my feelings. I had been through a series of bad breakups. I have borderline personality disorder and so my relationships tend to be quite intense. Anyways these breakups usually ended up with them leaving and not talking to me really, which kind of hurt. I mentioned this to my boyfriend and he agreed when/ if we broke up to do it properly and not like that. During our relationship, his dog passed away and he finished school- which he said didn’t feel as good as he thought it would. When he was younger he had to drop out of school because of family issues (father had died by suicide). He had to take a lot of the responsibility and as far as I know never went to counseling. He told me that he has a hard time expressing himself and that he has “more issues than I know, but that they wouldn’t come out with me”. In retrospect I probably should have asked about that more, but he didn’t really seem keen to tell me more. I know that he said when things get intense , he withdraws but not with me. I don’t know. While I was gone, everything was nice and stable & then it changed overnight. He sent me an email (which he never had before) & called me my full name (which he hadn’t before) & said he wanted to break up and don’t contact him, he is never contacting me again. I was so very confused. It didn’t seem like him at all, & I was pretty convinced it wasn’t. I let it go for a week or so, but hadn’t heard anything so I was worried. I also have a stalker that sometimes contacts me through online means and I thought he was involved. I’ve since talked to my boyfriend in person, when I just showed up to see him . I don’t think that was the best way to do it , but he had been completely ignoring me. He didn’t look happy and he said things haven’t been good for him either, but told me to leave him alone. I’ve sent some texts since (it’s now been 2 & a half months since the email) & haven’t heard a word. I really am worried on so many levels, & with the borderline have a fear of abandonment so I am really devastated. I strongly believe he isn’t just a jerk and broke up badly. I really think he is depressed or bipolar depression episode. I am not sure what to do. I guess just give him lots of space ? Do I send nice messages here and there? I just want him to be happy really & someday hope we can communicate. We both told each other things that we haven’t told anyone & I hope that we can be in each other’s lives someday. I am not looking to keep the relationship going, unless he really wanted to and we got professional help. I’m just trying to figure out how to get back on okay terms, I lost my boyfriend I didnt really want to lose a friend and confidant too.