There are many strains that depression imposes on relationships, and the most extreme can lead to a sudden break-up. Depressed partners seem to change overnight, turn on their loved ones and decide to leave. They may offer an explanation, but many refuse to communicate at all. The abandoned partner is desperate to do something but often has no idea what might be possible or what to hope for.
I went through a crisis like this with my wife, not as the abandoned partner but as the depressed one looking for a way out. I stopped short of a complete break, but a great many do leave, hoping in this way to end depression. Of course, it’s no solution at all, and they only succeed in victimizing those who love them most.
The partner who suddenly loses a loved one to depression, witnessing the transformation from intimacy to hostility almost overnight, is stunned and disbelieving. While reacting from the depths of hurt and anger, she’s also scrambling to explain something that seems to defy explanation.
(This might seem unfair, but I’m referring to the depressed partner who leaves as a man, the one left behind as a woman. Although I know that women with depression also leave their families, I’m writing in this way because almost all the comments, posts and emails I’ve read online come from women trying to understand why they’ve been left. Those are the situations I know best.)
Making Sense of a Collapsing Life
I think the need to have an explanation for such a deep crisis is overwhelming. When a basic prop of living is knocked away, we’ve got to restore some sort of balance. No one can live in total confusion so it’s natural to seize on the first thing that appears to make sense. There’s a story we come to believe that helps us put the disaster into a setting that is at least understandable, though it doesn’t solve anything by itself.
What it does is to offer some hope that things can change, for better or worse, and it usually defines a step to take. It relieves the sense of helplessness because we have a clearer idea of what to do and what to hope for.
Both partners go through this in different ways. There’s no excusing the destructive behavior of the partners who leave – despite the influence of depression – and no escaping the consequences of the hurt they cause at an intimate level. It’s important, however, to understand the stories they tell themselves in order to have some guidance when reacting to the loss.
Depression in Control
The depressive who ends a relationship may appear to be more in control of the situation, but I think that’s a false impression. He’s reacting to a baffling illness that has disrupted every aspect of his life. There must be a way to explain it, and unfortunately he finds a way by blaming his partner, the most loving and supportive person in his life.
Depression has turned him away from others so completely that he’s not seeing his partner as a person anymore. She’s only a symbol of what is wrecking him inside. If he believes a different partner will make up for everything that’s wrong, he’s not seeing that person in real terms either – she’s only a symbol of what he wants.
He’s gripped by the feeling that’s he’s lost control of his life. He can’t get himself out of a downward emotional spiral. He’s lost the motivation to do anything, his job performance is getting worse all the time, he can’t keep his mind focused on anything. He can’t talk to his family or his friends, and when he does it’s usually in anger. Everything is collapsing.
That’s the crisis he needs to explain, but tragically he takes the most destructive path that only imposes pain on others without lessening his own.
The Depressed Partner’s Stories
I’ve heard many versions of these false explanations, the stories that push a depressed partner to leave. Each one makes it easy to deflect an honest effort to deal directly with depression.
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I never had such emotional turmoil or trouble at work before this relationship. I wouldn’t be depressed if I were with the right person. She’s the problem. Getting her out of my life is the solution.
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I don’t love her at all. She doesn’t give me what I need, and I can’t feel much of anything anymore. Only by leaving can l find the right person who will give me all the passion and intensity I don’t have in this relationship.
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My depression is so terrible that I need to be alone to deal with it. I can’t handle the demands of an intimate relationship. Once on my own, I’ll be able to get rid of it.
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I have a dark and dangerous power within me that can only hurt the people who love me. I need to get away in order to spare my partner the damage and torture of being exposed to my dark side. Controlling and hiding this monster is something I must do at all costs. Leaving is the best thing I can do.
None of this will help in the long run. A partner who leaves for a better life won’t find it. This is only a way to avoid realistic treatment for depression. To quote the title of Jon-Kabat Zinn’s well-known book, Wherever You Go, There You Are
The Abandoned Partner’s Attempts to Understand
The initial attempts to explain so shocking an event are tentative since abandoned partners don’t really know what their partners have been thinking or going through. Besides the leaving itself, they have only hints or brief explanations to go on.
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I must have done something wrong, though I don’t know what. I need to show how much I really care and that I’ll never lose that love. That’s the solution that will bring him back.
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He’s depressed but doesn’t know it. I need to help him see that he has this illness and can get help. I’m the only one who cares enough to make a real difference in his life. He’ll see that, get treatment and we can start again.
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I can’t understand this at all. We had the greatest relationship imaginable, and he just walked off. He won’t talk to me, but I have to know why he did this and let him know that we can deal with whatever it is. I have to keep trying to get a message through to him. so that I can understand. I just need to know why.
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I’m desperate and can’t live without him. There must be something I can do to get him back. Even if everything fails, I will always hope for his return and need to let him know I’m always there for him.
The common thread is the desperation to stay in touch and to get some response – in other words, to keep the relationship alive. There has to be hope that he’ll come back, even if all the signals indicate that he won’t. That hope and the attempts to communicate provide a sense of purpose, however shaky.
I can’t imagine any other response, no matter what the reality may be. I felt exactly that way when I went through a similar crisis in my early twenties. I was the one who was abandoned and felt I simply could not survive without her.
The Next Phase
There are lots of other explanations, I’m sure, but these are the ones I hear most often. Each one tries to explain what’s happened to make it possible to get through the crisis and do something to relieve the sense of helplessness.
I think all the stories are understandable in the midst of such emotional turmoil and the feeling of life collapsing. Once things have settled down a little, though, there are a few steps that can be taken, though the damage to the relationship may be permanent.
I’ll take that up in the second part of this series.
Have you lived through anything like this or know others who have? How did you/they initially try to explain what was happening? How did you/they come to see things after the initial shock?
Image by Dionne Hartnett
Hello.
Broke up with the love of my life 2 months ago – Well to be frank she broke up with me after initially suggesting she needs some time work on herself and beat depression, changed to an emphatic break up a few weeks afterwards may well change back to a break? Only time will tell depends on how good or bad day she is having
She is legitimately in a serious depressive episode with suicidal thoughts and has been since February of this year and eventually went to the doctor in April to get anti depressants after a few of us close to her got worried. We have been long distance temporarily for 4 months and she has unravelled during this period and we have too it was only ever meant to be temporary to give her more career options and keep the bills pid. We lived together for 2.5 years (together for 3.5)and went through depression before while living together and we got through it, was tough but she had nothing like the Anhedonia levels she is experiencing now. First time around despite feeling terrible and suicidal was really lovely to me and appreciated my support, has occasional anger outbursts but not a complete loss of feeling. This time around she has shoved me out of her life ruthlessly left me in a city that she planned to join me in and has got a new job and place back in our home city causing us to lose our home. I cannot live there without her there and honestly do not want to move back home yet if she does not want me with her as i need to mind my career. She says deep down she loves me and cares for me but the timing of her actions really do show otherwise. The antidepressants seem to have made her colder to those closest and ice cold to me when she is normally so emotional and kind. She says there is no one else – have some evidence that she at least had a passing crush on someone else recently but nothing concrete. She also says she absolutely does not want to meet anyone else while she battles this but still seems so relieved not to be with me at times and she has no issues being charming and nice to those who do not understand how she is feeling. Us nearest and dearest really do get it in the neck.
For 6 weeks after the break up i was utterly distraught really heartbroken and desperately upset now i am beginning to wonder if i could go through this again if she did regain feelings for me when better my head is battling my heart here. If she gets counselling and attacks her depression and PTSD properly i will be there for her in any capacity i can be because i truly do love her she is amazing but t the moment i think she feels running away from me will solve things
It has been a complete head-fuck altogether break ups are hard but throw in depression and they are far worse. We were also a codependent couple and had some financial issues over the last year as i helped her build a career in her industry and pay bills when she was studying. Sad thing is we both now have the money to stand on our own two feet in the relationship and plan holidays and she has left literally the minute she got the job offer to stay in our home city. I was already planning to come home but she made the only decisive decision she made all year to fight this aone and rebuild her sense of self worth
Surely when this lifts she will be able to give me some closure on us as a couple and what exactly the issue was if there were issues outside depression – perhaps there were not?? Its been quite a while now and Citalopram has taken the edge of bad days but not improved her mood at all and made her like a ghost when it comes to me. When we speak and message it can be either friendly and nice on a rare good day or absolutely ice cold and frosty – as if she is mad at me. That i cannot deal with if we were to be best friends so the space we are giving each other at the moment is actually welcome.
I guess i am just looking for some similar stories on how this can pan out from people on both sides of the fence. Heart goes out to you all. I know i have to remind myself constantly its an illness but Jesus it is hard to be shunted out of someones life by someone who used to love you so much now technically may not need you. Have quite a lot of count to 10 moments when dealing with her. Thankfully the large volume of work she has is keeping her very busy so we are giving each other space.
It is an absolutely horrible disease
Hi, I’m going through a break up from my partner of 4 years. He’d been acting cold and very distant the last few months, and I just knew something was wrong..few more weeks went by like this, I made an effort to try and cuddle up as normal, but was getting nothing back. We had an argument recently and he left me saying he doesn’t want me. I’ve not heard anything since, I don’t get it either when you’re closest can do this? I’ll never trust again now. My heart goes out to you too, it’s an awful feeling x
I’m currently going through almost exactly what you two have mentioned above. My wife has moved out and has been living with her single girlfriend who just got a house 2months ago. Earlier in the month, things were amazing. A week or so later I noticed she was getting distant for some reason and I asked right away. She said she didn’t know why and I told her it was upsetting me. This upset her and began a series of small issues that she would get mad about with me over the following week or so. I would try talking to her and explain that this is a marriage and we need to be a team and meet in the middle with things and she needs to stop focusing on a small negative to ruin all the positives around us. We have a really nice house that we restored ourselves, a dog, nice new cars, and great jobs. She just couldn’t and she feels wrong for feeling the way she does and can’t understand it. Eventually she got even more colder and told me she gets anxiety around me now and doesn’t know how to answer any of my questions/talk to me and looked like an emotionless zombie. She then grabbed a bunch of her things and has stayed at a friends house who was out of town for almost a week. Now she’s back and the two of them are still living together there. All she wants is space and time away from me. Ive told her I love her and miss her all the time and willing to do anything to help but she doesn’t seem to want to hear it or matter. Her mind is made up that this distance and waiting to talk to the counselor is the only and best option. I’ve tried to be understanding at first but I felt I was going crazy and no normal person would do this to their husband. What could be the reason? Does she love me? How could she not want to be in our house with our dog she broadcasts to everyone on social media that she loves more than anything? Is there someone else? So many questions and zero real answers. I’ve explained to her that I can’t be her for her if she can’t be here with her husband. My heart feels destroyed and I’ve lost my ability to trust her at this point because of how and I’ve been hurt by her while she has chosen to be away from me and keeps me in the dark. I have not seen her in person or heard her voice since December 26th. She did not want to see me on NYE and says now that she will not be coming back until she has seen a consoler on January 3rd and saays she has been writing in a notebook all of her feeling and thoughts of whats going on and plans to give it to this psychologist and then to me. She says hopefully that will give me some answers then and says I need to be patient/away or this marriage is over because she feels this is our last shot to save things. She feels me being in the dark and away for 2 weeks should not be as big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. She didn’t put her ring back on before she left and I feel like she couldn’t possibly still love me if she can be this distant with me all of a sudden. She has told me there is no one else, she doesn’t want to start a new relationship with someone else, and she wants to work on the one she has. She just wants me to give her space and not see her while she lives with her friend. I still feel destroyed and have been battling to stay positive even though the last time I’ve talked to her in person, while she was all upset, she told me she didn’t feel anything when I hugged or kissed her. My hart has been broken and hanging by a string. I’m trying to be patient but I feel like she’s kept me completely in the dark. Her father told me that he believe she loves me and that before she met me she was diagnosed with seasonal depression but never seeked treatment. My parents want me to kick all of her stuff outside and leave her for what she’s done to and feel she’s using this a crutch and she just doesn’t want me anymore. Now that she has a new job with a bunch of young immature friends, she wants to enjoy the single life or something?
I hope everything is better and I know you posted this in 2016. Your story is mine right now.
I’ve been in a committed relationship for 15 years now. We have always had some difficulties but we have never been abusive or comtemptuous towards each other. We have always shared a beautiful love and respect for each other. We have been best friends. I have my share of baggage as I had a tough upbringing which left me with trust issues and lack of confidence. I’ve also had some mild chronic depression over the years and taken a few courses of SSRI’s. I knew from the beginning that a relationship is only ever as happy as each partner is within themselves. You bring to the relationship only what you have to give. I thought and hoped so much that it would work out. Over the years we begun having these long draining intensely emotional discussions in which we just could not agree on things. It was like we were each placing expectations and judgements in each other. But we always made up and it felt to me like we were moving forward but after many years of these arguments recurring we realised it was there were unhealthy patterns and we begun counselling. I always believed that we could overcome anything together and for a while during counselling things seemed to get better but then he told me he can’t do it anymore. I tried so hard to convince him that we could mend things and start again but it’s now beyond that ever happening. He has made his mind up and we have begun the extremely painful process of separating an deconstructing everything we built together over the 15 years. I’m absolutely devastated and terrified of facing the future alone. I can’t understand why he would give up. The arguments were difficult but I never gave up hope. He is my best friend in the whole world and I have moments where I feel like dying. I have lost my youth and feel meeting a new partner is something that may never happen again. This is the most awful soul destroying thing that has ever happened to me. I am losing the love of my life. After reading this I begun to wonder if it’s because he is depressed. Why would someone just walk away after 15 years. All I can do right now is accept what is happening as its out of my hands but it hurts so bad. I never want to fucking fall in love ever again. I’m so done.
I am so sorry for your heartbreak, treehugger. I feel that I can relate. I am not sure if my ex-husband is depressed, but these articles are shedding some light into his recent, and past, behavior.
He dropped an emotional bomb on me in January with “I love you, but I’m not in love. We have grown apart. ” We divorced in June. Our loving, trusting, solid marriage lasted 14 years (together 20 yrs).
My ex husband’s family has a history of bipolar depression, and his half-sister committed suicide 3 years ago. Also, I don’t believe he had an emotionally stable childhood. There was, at one time, 8 kids in a small apartment when he was a small child. I don’t think he ever found an emotional and balanced attachment to his mother. I saw it in their relationship when we were together. Also, his parents’ marriage was so volatile. They would fight, call each other names, so bad to a point where his dad would leave for hours, but would come back.
I just have to wonder if his upbringing, his adult pain with the grief over his dad’s death last summer, his controlling mother, and enduring the pain of his parents’ relationship contributed to his leaving me. As far as I know, his mother didn’t tell him to fight for our marriage. His sister sympathizes with me, rather than him. I could understand why he chose me as a mate because I was the emotional one in our relationship.
This is not the first time he has left me, however. He left our relationship, but we stayed attached at a distance, two other times before we got married. His basis for leaving those times was emotional stress brought on by major life events. I realize back then I should have taken the hint to end things for good but it was hard to do when you are young, fresh outta college in a new place, and in love.
Anyway, I do wish him well and to be happy. I know that it’s best for me to let him go. I’m scared to let go as he’s all I’ve known for half my life and based my decisions. But the man I miss and love is gone. He feels bad for hurting me but I don’t think he truly understands what I’m going through since he wasn’t exposed to what a real loving, emotionally healthy relationship is/was. He wants to be there for me. It’s like the staying connected at a distance, all over again.
Our big hearts are suffering. May we heal with love and compassion for ourselves, with time and knowing we deserve to have strong, emotionally stable relationships in our lives.
Any thoughts or other insights?
I’m hoping since your post you’ve gotten over this hurt. I am just starting and hence finding this helpful page.
Best
Mazzy
I’m at a loss. My fiancé just told me to leave. She gave me a five day window to leave our apartment. We’ve been together for seven years. I lover her with all my heart and soul. We have the same religious perspectives, same pastimes and hobbies, we have the same moral perspective. She’s my missing puzzle piece. She told me two day ago to leave. It’s now day three and I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Iv been puking stomach bile. I just want to hold her. She says all our small fights, tiny bickering has added up and she’s done. We’ve gone to Europe together, countless vacations, we travel everywhere. We goto Disneyland…. We do everything together. And all of a sudden she’s done. Iv been on the phone with the national suicide hotline all day, I can barely see because my eyes are so blood shot from crying. I don’t want this. I never got a chance to fix myself. She never told me there was a problem. What do i do?! I just want to kiss her and tell her I’m here but she doesn’t want me. She looks at me with different eyes. Why do women get over guys after 6-7 yeas,?!?! I just want to hold her. I’ll do anything. I’ll change anything about me. I’m just so scared. I don’t want to live without her.
Hey. Stay strong. I know its hard but you have to hold on for your life. Not all women are like this. My ex-bf is depressed and he is always pushing me away, he said he is tired of hurting me. There are times that I really wanted to leave him because I don’t know if i’m tired or what. But then I always find myself coming back to him. I want to help him in any way I could. I want to support him esp now that he is in crisis. God help us and give us strenght in what we are facing with our significant others.
Stay strong my friend and Don’t ever give up esp on yourself.
Ry,
My boyfriend did very similar where he basically said that there was too much negativity (that all our arguments added up) & that things are too far gone to fix. I asked why he didn’t tell me he was unhappy during the process and he said he couldn’t. Like you, he didn’t even give me a chance to fix them. If I had known he was upset about things, I would have tried to work on those specific things. From my perspective, every argument ended fast and we both made sure we felt okay and then moved on. In the moment I feel like he did think that, but since falling into the depression, I think he is looking back at it differently.
My now ex also did the same by making the breakup fairly definitive… I don’t know. It hurts so badly. Has anything changed since this post ? I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. It really is truley devastating. I can only pray and hope for their recovery & ours.
I’m going through the same thing, everything you described it is how its been the past 5 days. I don’t know how I’m going to carry on.
Have you carried on? what did you do?
I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and i was engaged a year and a half! At the first year he tokd me he wants us to get married from the second year and i am the one! I loved him so much and i help him in all his problems he postpone our wedding for the 4th year and i didn’t have a problem then he postpone it for april 2016 and there’s no visa but he told me that in april we’ll get married no matter what happens and we won’t postpone. In those 5 years he didn’t commit seriously ! Anw he was supposed to come in the first of april before 2 weeks of the wedding and before one day he told me he wants a break and after a week he dumped me without any explanation! He had those 5 years negative thoughts all the time ! I was thinking there is something wrong and i’m not fine from a month i’m so tired i need an explenation but ur writing give me hope thank u
I just wanted to say a simple thank you.
My relationship with my fiancé has just ended, we’ve been together for four years. I just keep thinking everything’s my fault and reading this has made me realise maybe it isn’t and that there might be some hope for the future.
Thank you.
me too. I got dumped after 9 years. I am so convinved it is all my fault. If only I did this or that. Or made him more of a priority over my son we would still be together
My partner of just under 2 years is currently in the local mental unit after being admitted as an emergency. He’s had depression for all of his adult life and been open about it from the start of our relationship. He hasn’t had a girlfriend before and it’s also my first serious relationship. We met at a Christian festival and fell in love very quickly. We lived about 80miles apart so at first we split our time between each other’s place buy gradually he spent more and more time at mine. From April 15 he was doing most of his work via the web from my place also after consideration on both sides we decided he should move in with me. He eventually teminated the leash on his place in Sept 15 a month after asking me to marry him. He has had several bouts of depression since we’ve been together. In July he was signed of work for 2 weeks and started on medication. Then in November he started counseling, Finally at the start of March 16 he began psychotherapy. Our relationship is good, we get on well, enjoy each other’s company are openly affectionate and as far as I can judge we communicate well. But this week he went into a massive emotional crisis , crying inconsolably and completely unable to cope and threatening to hurt us both. I took him to hospital and he was admitted. He now says he loves me but not enough to commit, that he never saw us having a future and can’t accept my love. He is refusing to be discharged back home as he hates living with another person and wants space. He misses his old town and wants to get a room there and go back to just dating me. I just don’t know what to do or to think. I know he’s sick but how can we ever have a future if he isn’t able to commit. We both wanted children but I’m late 30s so it’s almost too late already. I just feel so confused and desolate. He is a wonderful person but just has this massive darkness bringing him down. Just wish I knew what to do or to think.
Hey tamsin, your story is similar to mine, but I was completely rejected for her to go meet people she was talking online with (since a week) and she could’ve wait to see. Total numbness and emotionless, i was talking to a wall, a heartless person who couldn’t have any of my arguments, who had made up her mind in a week and seemed so sure and confident about her decision, refusing any attempt of fixing what could be wrong.now I know why, even qfter my email, she admitter she couldn’t explain why, she just needed “to be selfish”. What a joke! How can we deal with people suddently with no emotion but who can still go fantasize around? I am myself regretting those 3 years of my life where I committed and trusted her with all my heart, and my life, trusting her when she was saying I was the one, her soulmate, that she wanted to marry me, that she would give up everything to be with me… I trusted her and gave 110% of my self (realizing now I was loosing my energy qnd was isolating myself more and more, turns out to be depression fallout) knowing, as she was saying, that not only she wanted me but she needed me. But we were building a future so I was ok with having an anxious depressive as a partner. My mistake was to keep going knowing something darker, a black swan, was inside her and she would most definitively end up falling in a mild depression since she never did anything to threat her anxiety. As a result, last months were hardr, she was being paranoid, would have obsessions on something and keep repeating daily about that story, she would be comparing herself to others all the time, thinking they had all and her nothing, while it was so untrue, she had a good paying job, health insurance, is an ingeneer, has a good family, a wonderful funny, patient and positive gf… but all I could do was ignored, all the good memories (wonderful trips together over the years) were forgotten as soon as she was back home at her work… I stayed up all night to keep her company for christmas (i was in france), and managed to make her cook a nice dinner while she didn’t want to do anything. I used to motivate her to go out golfing duri’g the week ends, go to the gym, to watch a movie, to have nice meals (and not junk food)… I was always the one who had to push her do things on her own when I was not thrre. When I was there, we had great week ends at least Friday night and saturdays, Sundays was all about being depressed the day before going back to work. She switched teams 3 times, because of unhappiness there qnd each time it seemed like previous time was great compare to the actual one. How easy she would forget that she was complaining each time non stop. Now I know I should have insisted for her to get help to deal with her anxiety and for me to learn how to cope. Because I was hurt more and more by her making remarks about my looks, … insinuating I had to put more passion into our sex life and when I did, suddenly I was not soft enough … and I was left with one feeling, why does it have to be all on me?? Isn’t a relationship the work of 2 people? Fortunately I’ve been loving her for who she really was and I have no doubt she has been really in love with me. I would give it a chance with the right tools if she would let me.
Now that I’m at a moment in life where I would have need my partners support, while looking for a job, she felt Into a deep depresssion and left me, in a week, doesn’t care at all for me, goes out living fantasies (or pretended to when she broke up, she knew that would be a deal breaker for me so what a better way to be sure i would stay away)… trying to survive, without me who has been a fun loving encouraging person for 3 years. Of course the parents are useless, and never did anything while I’m sure they knew about her depressio’ since childhood (she never had friends as a child and can’t keep real links with old friends), her dad and my ex even say that they suspect the mom is bipolar but communication between the parents is so bad that the dad doesn’t talk frankly with the wife. He stays and is damn unhappy, the mom doesn’t seek help and is damn unhappy, always expressing how she’s full of regrets, comparing her life to others (rings a bell?)… from my point of view, she is so lucky to have someone who sticks around despite all this, despite the change of moods, hes loving, very patient, he cooks and cleans, is a good father (even though way too protective and present with my ex, which I’m sure doesn’t help, I tried to tell her that having your dad on the phone every day after work, mostly to complain about work, isnt good, and saying that your dad is your best friend since childhood neither…I keep wondering what will happen when he dies?), but the wife, in her illness, can’t realise all that. So many wasted lives, and the idea given to her daughter that seeing a psychotherapist is shamefull, inacceptable, not for them. One question is left that I wish I could ask my depressed pqrtner who is probably thinking that by leaving the relationship and deciding to quit her job too, that she won’t end up like her mother, full of regrets (isn’t it ironic? ), how long are you going to let a illness decides what’s good for you? And affect and ruin your life daily? Why can’t depressed people seek help? I think it’s a matter of education and parents are a key role into that, I’m lucky enough to know from my father who has been an anxious depressive all his life that with therapy you can learn how to live with your anxieties and be a better person for your familly. For that, if i need myself help one day, i will take all the help I can get, there is nothing shamefull in admitting you have depression (millions of people have to deal with it) and need help. It is way worse to refuse admitting it (it’s just delaying the process of healing) for you as your depression can stick around for years, for your partner who has been a loving and most caring one for months or years and doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
Good luck all
I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I wasted so much time and effort trying to get him back until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, ultimate spell. You were different from all the rest – you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as you have help me to get my Love back, visit him on (zubairespiritualtemplo@gmail.com) he can be a great help to you all.
What do you meen, what is your story ? Did you have him back or could go on with life? Either way I’m happy you found happiness again! You deserve it, we all do !:)
when i met him he was nothing in his life he was struggling in his life. i gave him every support to get achievement now he is very capable but after 3 years relationship when we get married now he want to leave me . I want to die. he is not trying to understand my situation he want divorce but I will die if he left me. pls help me please.
Tanu sorry you feel that we all do, as we left our feelings aside to give all to our needy partners. Don’t think he’s cured for life and now he will get on happily without you (that’s an impression depressive people give, and it couldn’t be more far from the truth). He has his own demons, don’t let it affect you, take care of yourself, think of who’you really are, a strong, supoortive, good person, who can live happy on her own. Find your true self back and life will smile at you again. Courage you are not alone
I’ve been through exactly the same scenario , I spent 8+years and put up with cheating trying to get this person focused and accomplished in their own right . Non stop support emotionally , mentally and every other way, I took on all the depressive feelings and tranferences of all her problems on to me, it was tiring and very demanding and draining on my life. Once she had her academia and work sorted she left !. I am at a loss drained and tried, 3 months in & im still upset and very unsure of myself also . Having to rebuild my future is very slow and demeaning to me emotionally and world wise, I have nothing to offer another person who does not understand what I’ve been through, if you catch my drift, I’m yet to pick myself up .I am lost without a relation ship which has meaning . I just can’t get myself going . What a shit it all can be .
My partner fractured 2 sections of his L5 vertebrae (lower spine) last May, it’s been almost a year and he is following every guideline of recovery but it still hasn’t healed. He’s been told that he will never go to the gym or be as fit as he was, even has to start a whole new career path because he can never intensively train again or do weight training. He has lost 4 stone in muscle mass due to his slow recovery and with every pound that he loses he says he feels like a nobody. Like there is nothing special about him anymore. It doesn’t matter what I say or how hard I try to reassure him I love him and he’s beautiful amazing, everything I want…. he is lost. He’s stopped talking to me, some days wont look at me. I can honestly say I can’t remember when the last time was that he held me, or kissed me. The physical pain of his fractures are crushing him, some days he can walk 30 minutes and feel nothing, other days he struggles getting out of bed. He refuses medication against Drs advice, he says he likes to know what hurts and what doesn’t. So when his pain reaches too much his mood and temper just stun me, some of the things he says cut deep.
It’s so hard to see the man I love, the man I met, big and strong, protective and loving, loose everything he holds dear, what I can’t understand is why he’s pushing me away. I don’t want to leave I don’t want our relationship to end, I pray every single night that tomorrow morning he might wake up and look at me, say good morning give me a kiss like he used to. That his pain will suddenly go and his heart will mend from his loss. Surely loosing me will make it worse? That’s what I’m trying to convince myself.
His anger some days are so hurtful, he doesn’t try to hurt me I know he doesn’t. I know deep deep deep down he is still my beautiful wonderful fun caring man. My rock. I would honestly sell my soul to take his pain and depression away. I’m at my wits end, I cannot suffer anymore, I am starved of any and all affection and I hate myself. I can’t look at my face, it makes me sick. I can’t fix him, I can’t do anything. If I was enough then he wouldn’t treat me like this. If he ever did love me then why wouldn’t he hug me anymore or even kiss me. If I was what he really wanted wouldn’t he try?
Nothing I do works and staying with somebody who can’t look at me or show me any love hurts me too much.
I have lost myself in trying to find him. I have never felt so alone in my life. I am heartbroken. I don’t think my man is coming back. Please somebody tell me what to do.
I would recommend him to read unlimited power from Anthony robbins, only one answer, when you put your brain up to something, stop thinking it’s imposible, then you can achieve greatness. Some stories are very inspiring. We should all take example, nothing is impossible. Good luck
This struck a cord with me. My partner had an accident in January, badly broke his pelvis and couldn’t walk for 3 months. Long story short I supported him, paid all the bills moved us from a house to a flat. He was at his dad’s because it was a bungalow while I was sorting the move out, he is in constant pain with nerve damage and had grown increasingly distant throughout his recovery even tho I was trying to be so supportive for him. He never did come home, it started with him being in a dark place and not knowing what he wanted and ended in him dumping me and blocking me off everything with no explanation other than its for the best. This was 3 weeks ago only way to contact him is via email and he has ignored all my pleas with him. He was the kindest most loving man I have ever met and I can’t believe he’s now gone from my life. I’ve read so many stories and I’m convinced it’s depression but do I wait? He seams perfectly happy in his work, his friends have said he’s back to his normal self. Am I just kidding myself that he’s depressed, do I give up hope and try to move on. I feel constantly sick and just don’t know what to do
This will be long. But I hope it can help someone not feel like they are alone, plus I feel it helps to read many different people’s stories somehow, so I hope mine will be helpful too. Maybe reading what he has thought/said/done can be relatable to someone else’s situation.
At this point in time, I must say it feels like there is no hope, which is something I thought I would never say. I feel defeated, exhausted, I am in disbelief and I just don’t understand. How could he do this, I mean in the sense that how can’t he see what we had, or the value in it? Not even us as in people, as friends. Because we were like best friends.
I lived with my boyfriend of a little bit over a year about 9 months ago. We were genuinely happy, I had a good relationship with his parents and I am the first girl he has even introduced to them and he has met mine etc, he even came to my country! We had talked about marriage since early in the relationship, but at that point in time he had decided he wanted to propose and he was telling everyone so. We have both never been so close to another person before.
Since we were living in his country and I am from the other side of the world, I need a visa to stay there, and I was going to transfer uni so I had to go home for about 9 months to wait for my new visa. I am now going back to his country in 15 days, but what I am going back to is unbelievable and I never would have thought this could happen before I left.
So after I went home, in May of 2015, he his usual self for about a month and a half. And then it all came falling down in the matter of a week. So mid June he starts to freak out over the future. During this week he kept growing distant. Avoiding me. He would write that at the same time he missed me he felt like his life was easier after I had left. And the next day the illogical accusations started flooding in, such as, that I had been holding him back and that he had to always hurry back from work and couldn’t eat on his way home because I was waiting for him there(!?) He also didn’t know if he loved me anymore (ouch!) Later during that week he had been to the doctor and been diagnosed with depression. I said I would be there for him and support him and he could talk to me about anything. But the next day he sent me a message telling me from now on he wants to be free and do things on his own and that we should be friends from now on. I was heartbroken. Of course. But from this I started researching depression and I started to understand at least a little bit what was going on.
He NEVER took his face off in front of other people. On Facebook and in a common chat group with our friends, I could tell he put on this act, no one could tell he has depression! This has really been messing with my head throughout all of this, as I am the only one he is pushing away. He continued to be the funny charming guy he has always been on the outside. Only close friends noticed, mainly in the way he just tossed me away like a piece of garbage like it was nothing, as they knew how much he loved me. Also they could notice a change in his personality/attitude. He would act like a total player and almost overly enthusiastic about everything. To the point where it seemed fake. He was (and is) like a different person. He also quit going to the doctor and didn’t take his meds after about a month. So he has been receiving no help WHATSOEVER up until present day.
He ignored me for about two months. I would send him encouraging messages, links, videos and mail him sweets etc. He did read every single message, but never responded to a single one.
I would see in the chat group and on facebook, in pictures of him, that he was always, and is still to this day, wearing my over-sized sweaters and hoodies. As well as he would like random things I put up on social media. It was really strange.
He had talked to a mutual female friend and she reported to me that he had said he knew “I know I will never meet anyone like her, that matches me so well. I know she is the one but it is difficult.”
In September I sent him a “I love you” and he responded for the first time since his break up message over two months ago with “Thank You”.
In October he admitted to have started a relationship with another girl. He told me this after I had announced which uni I got into. He had responded coldly at first that he likes someone else now, that she had helped him and that they were going out. I got angry and told him I had always been there for him too but he didn’t even care and that he ever gave me an honest chance. He sent me the only genuine message he has sent throughout this whole period. He apologized and said I had helped him and that he was thankful. etc. He also wrote that he knew I would continue liking him … (?) and that he was worried about me. and he properly congratulated me. He said he was a terrible person and that he felt he couldn’t lie to himself about his feelings anymore, so he went out with her.
In the beginning of November he also started his new job, this is when he reached out to me and talked to me all about it as if nothing had happened. He also self-proclaimed himself as recovered. But I doubt it. He looks so happy on the outside, but his attitude towards me says something else. Because he soon disappeared again.He did break up with this girl once, at around this time. Our mutual female friend has said that she thought they didn’t suit each other at all and that they just wouldn’t last.
His best friend (he is like a brother to me) reached out to me and confessed that he (my bf) had been talking about me, without fail every day! And that at least around that point in time he had been saying things like “To me there is no one but her (me) after all..” This of course gave me hope. But it seems until this very day she is still around. His best friend said he had tried to get away from her many times but that she is mentally labile and stuff and he couldn’t break up with her or something like that. I don’t understand why he would choose to be with a mentally unstable girl that doesn’t even suit him and leave our relationships? I also heard in the beginning at least, he thought she was a sl*t and he would never marry her. I don’t know if he still thinks so. He never said this to me, but to a mutual friend.
Around Christmas he did seem to come back again, but it was another false hope-thing.
I sent him a message telling him I should stop bothering him until he decided he wants to talk to me again. He suddenly sends me “Merry Christmas” and starts a conversation and then leaves after two or three messages just to never look back.
In early February I asked him some questions, I was so frustrated. He answered that his feelings of romantic love for me had disappeared and that he thought of me as a friend and that he likes his new girlfriend now. And wearing my hoodies didn’t mean anything, he just used them because they were laying around. I don’t know if I believe his words or his actions there, because he uses them ridiculously much, more than he ever has before. Because we lived together so I know what he usually used to wear. I don’t get it. It seemed his feelings disappeared right as his depression started and have been coming and going throughout? He also hasn’t deleted any of our couple pictures from facebook and there is a lot, he isn’t even friends with her on FB and there is no sign of her on his SNS. I just hope they aren’t serious. No matter what happens, he deserves better than that, after what I have heard from our friends.
So now, I am going back in 15 days. I still can’t grasp that this is real. My best friend and love of my life, is gone. It feels like he died. Sometimes I wonder if he really is happy now. Why does he stay with this girl? He won’t even talk to me. It has been soon 8 months since he left me. I just want him back, but I don’t think that is ever going to happen. I want to write so much more, but it’s already getting too long.
Thank you for reading my story.
Hi Josefin,
I read your “long” story, didn’t seem that long to be honest. As I felt in each line it was a experience that was being talked about mine. I have been through exactly and maybe even worse to what you’ve described in your narration. Since by now you would be in “his” country, I only wish you best of luck and can empathise with you, as few people now how painful HOPE can be. No hope, means no hurt as by then its become numb. So easier to carry on, but then with hope there comes that small ray of belief, belief that the good days will come, then as the belief starts to grow a little bigger and bigger the harsh reality penetrates rudely and we’re back to the ground with a hard slam and feel the pain again.
I know common sense as well as any other sensible advice would for you in this case would be to forget this creep and move on. Someone who is not sure of himself, its not at all in you to make your love sure for him. Its like fighting the rising tide, its futile. However what I would say from my experience is that – this fighting and crashing and rude awakening, this cycle though at that time may seem a never ending cycle of doom, it actually does and will come to an end.
Remember one thing, it was providence that brought you two together similarly when the moment or time comes, it will make it that you part ways on your own terms. The pain may or maynot be there but then its later when you look back and can smile at yourself that you know you have arrived. You’ve made it. Ofcourse at that particular moment it will not seem possible, it may seem so easy to say and write these lines but believe me, it will be so as it has been for me.
You will move on, the pain will be there sharp as ever and then receding slowly day by day. At time when out of the blue some sharp memory or instance it may recall and all the cells in your body are madly just wanting to rush back to the arms of that person, yet you learn to control yourself slowly at first, then more stronger later – you tell yourself that the dream the illusion is over. But then you wonder later, why , why did you have to go through that all. Why did you have to come across a psycho person and have your love wasted just like throwing water in the sand? Its much later that this message became clear to me, it was when touching 40 I finally realized that the past pain and suffering that I had experienced was because I had to learn the power of love and more importantly the pain of unfulfilled love. By this time in my live, I have a loving wife and she adores me like crazy. Due to work or sometimes the usual drag of life I may take her presence for granted and thats when the pain and despair of emotional abandoment I had suffered 20 to 15 years back comes to my mind and I vow never to make her or any other person feel the same way as I had been made to feel.
So on the whole, yes it did manage to make me a better person but never would I wish that I go through the same experience again or that any one else to go through it.
I therefore only hope and wish for you that no matter how deep or sharp and longing you feel the pain, despair, never lose your belief in yourself, in life and just carry on. Twenty or maybe even less number of years pass and you too will be talking about this painful yet learning experience in life which some of us unfortunately have to go through.
Thank you for your advice. I think I understand what you mean with all of it.
My reply is a bit of a rant I guess, pretty messy, sorry!
This experience has very much made me a stronger person in many ways, even if I feel pretty sad sometimes. I am positive I will not lose myself in this experience, because apart from him I have a lot of other things in life going for me so to speak, he wasn’t my only source of happiness! I have a great uni to go to, many friends, hobbies that I enjoy etc. And that is very important I think.
When I wrote my first comment, I had a bad day, and often think that I have no hope for him ever coming back, but I still know inside, that if it wasn’t for depression, he would never do these things. In reality he “loves me like crazy” as well he was never unsure of anything until depression hit him.
I appreciate your advice, but I am despite moments of doubt sometimes, very sure depression is making him this way. I know him, better than anyone apart from maybe his parents. He has told me this himself before. I have seen of course both his best sides and not so great and vulnerable sides of him etc. But what he is now, is something I have never seen, because this did not exist in him before.
I know from the outside it is easy to label him as a creep, crazy, bad person.. but I will never think of him as a psycho and I can’t be mad directly at him, I don’t hate him, I hate depression. I know what it looks like from the outside to most people. I am just clinging onto something that no longer exists, an illusion. “Sometimes love just doesn’t go as you wished” and “You had many great memories with this person that you can cherish even if it is over.” I know these words are only good intentions, the very best of intentions. But I think people going through being left by a depressed partner knows how frustrating it is to hear these words. You try to explain, but mostly people do not understand. And I don’t blame them in a way, because this all is even difficult for me to understand. I understand why they would think of him as a bad man who abandoned me and our relationship etc. etc. But they just don’t understand what force is driving him to do these things.
I know this text is a mess, but I do believe in *him*. I always have and always will. Right now he is overtaken by depression, and looking at John (the author of this blog) and many other stories from both sides, it has made me at least take comfort in the fact that it isn’t the true him doing these things. Even if that doesn’t change the fact that he has/is hurting me and it doesn’t guarantee he will ever come back, I will hang on for as long as I can. Because he is my soulmate and best friend.
I had to write this “defense” or whatever you’d call it, both for myself and maybe for others reading this. I just want to say, it is okay to hold on in a case like this. You know what your true relationship is, you know this person. I wish I could show everyone who he truly is, because he is a wonderful person, and he would do anything for me and always be there for me. He is the kindest man I have ever met and I know that he does love me from the bottom of his heart and he always put in his everything into our relationship. I was always his first priority. And I think the nature of our relationship is partially what drives him away from me during his depression.
If you think it is worth it, even if there are no guarantees it is okay to hold on for as long as you want and can handle. I know you, Nitangh, might be frustrated with what I write here. That I should let go of the illusion and that I should let myself let go. But no. I can’t. Because I don’t want to.
I know he can’t give me love, or attention or anything. I know that. I know he has abandoned me, but then again, the man he is now, isn’t him. He can’t be who he truly is right now. So I don’t really see it as he abandoned our relationship in that light, but rather either to protect me or himself or because he somehow believes that he will find happiness in his new exiting life “where nothing is holding him back”. These are the lies that depression is making him believe. The him that I know is someone who just wants peace in life, he was very laid back yet serious about the important people in his life. He just wanted to start a family and he had finally found the only person he could imagine doing that with. But right now his mind is clouded by depression. What I am trying to say is, there is no denying that he has hurt and abandoned me, and I do feel hurt, but this isn’t what makes me suffer the most. It is just watching him try so hard to run away. Trying so hard to show how amazing his new life is. Trying so hard to act like he doesn’t care when, according to his friends he obviously does. I guess he can’t directly handle me but I am always on his mind somehow. I just wonder how much pain he must be in, I always wonder how he is doing. Is he really happy? I just want him to be able to go back to normal and feel at ease and be happy again.
Apart from the selfishness of depression that blinds him to see what damage he is truly causing, he probably goes through a lot of guilt and feelings on inadequacy. I didn’t mention this before but he has also told my friend “I don’t have the confidence to make her happy” and things like that. It is all just a big mess of contradicting things tangled together in his head. He really did make me happy, and he knew that he did before, because I would always let him know how happy he made me.
As I said I know my post is a mess. But I just will not give up on him, even if I feel down sometimes, even if the situation seemingly looks hopeless. But there is only one of him.
I am not a person that really “needs” love or a boyfriend. I have always been like this. But I do know if I give up on him I will regret it. There might be objectively speaking better men out there that have more of “everything”, but he is really all I want. And I know that is what I really am to him too.
Only time will tell what happens. I might be back here in a year and tell you that I gave up for some reason, that I did move on. Or I might tell you he is getting better and that he has at least somewhat returned to the person he was before. That we are at a point where we are working on our relationship again. But no one knows. We will see.
I just never have the right words to explain all this, but there is just a feeling I have that this isn’t right. I can’t explain it.
Hi josefin, i can see he picked double well, we are strong and that’s why they picked us. I’m in the same situatio’ where I was her whole world, she would tell me all her thoughts even the darkest she had never told anyone before, not even her family. Point is, because we were so close I know all about her “wiknesses”, I’m the enemy now that she has fallen into deep depression. I’m a very positive person like you and want to believe she will come back, all of her feelings included but some days it’s just so hard imagining her running away to a fantasy world with someone else when we have always been so faithfull to eachother even in our dreams! Now don’t you ask yourself, if he comes back and you decide to try again, won’t he do it again and hurt you all over again? How much can you take and forgive? Would you accept that from any other partner, to be treated like the enemy to avoid at all cost, to be cheated on? Over and over again during each depression? I would give it a chance only with a real engagement of therapy, and even that can’t prevent future episode of depression… when I read storieshere, i cant help but to realise most of them don’t come back to their old self
I had a similair experience in that I had to leave for visa restrictions. While in my hometown everything was going fine, until it changed seemingly overnight. He sent an email (which he hadn’t before) & said I don’t want this . Don’t contact me, I’m not contacting you ever. I talked to him since in person, by basically showing up.. which wasn’t good but I couldn’t deal with literally no contact. It seemed he was depressed, which makes sense given some recent triggers including the passing of his dog, finishing school (which he said didn’t feel as good as he thought), and holidays (his father had died by suicide so I think holidays are a bit hard). I don’t know… I’m not sure if it’s depression, but he definitely doesn’t seem like the same person I fell in love with. I realize both are him, & am willing to stay in his life (even as a friend).. but he completely shut me out. It’s been almost 3 months since that email, which have felt more like 10. Does this ever get better ? Will our depressedloved ones come back or are we just disposable (sorry that’s how I feel)? 🙁 I don’t even want him back for the sake of being in a relationship, I just want my friend back too & to have positive feelings about us..not negative.
We’ve been together 9 years, married for 6 1/2. We’ve had ups and downs like all couples and I haven’t always been the easiest person to be in a relationship with, I accept this. But neither has he, albeit very occasionally.
Early last year things were going so well. Then quite abruptly he became distant, started going out and staying out really late, drinking more, lacking consideration etc. you know, the usual.
We had a similar situation a few years ago and ever since I’ve known it would happen again and I’ve been anxious about it.
Since his change of behaviour we’ve talked a few times about it (never an argument) and a couple of weeks ago we had the conversation which resulted in it ending because he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore.
To be honest I’ve not put up any resistance. Partly because I’m worn out from worrying for months, partly because I’ve been preparing for it, and also because I feel too much pride to beg. (I’m not sure if that’s a good thing) I don’t want to embarrass myself, or be with someone who’s with me out of pity or guilt.
I’ve not missed any work and have made a big effort to go out and see people and keep busy.
A colleague said that I must be made of stone, but the truth is I’m incredibly sad, hurt and afraid. I’d just rather be doing things than sitting at home feeling sad and lonely.
I’ve never been left before so this is all very new to me.
But owing to both of our finances he isn’t moving out for months, and after that I probably won’t be able to stay in the house we rent so I’m also losing my home.
It’s all a bit draining really. But I absolutely have to think positively. I’m taking it day by day, minute by minute and having hope that the next day will be a better one.
My love to anyone going through this
Just to add, I do also respect his feelings and I do understand how feelings change and that he’s unhappy. I can’t be angry with him. I’m angry about the situation but I don’t blame him.
– ford
I am so angry and hurt by my husband that I never want to see his face again and hope that he realize what he had cause me, he left me with nothing but heartache
Same here some days it’s just easier to hate them for not feeling… it is so unfair
Hello my name is Linda and I am puzzled to what just happen to me. My husband and I have been together for 5 years off and on. We separated before but always comes back and I always take him back..well this time I can’t believe he did it again, he is a truck driver and so he wanted me to go with him. I had my own apartment and a good job my life was going good when he left me for almost a year..but when he came back to my life I thought that I will give him one more chance and I did, well we talked about our future and our plans together..I was all excited because that’s all I want is to be together and have a future..so I decided to give up my place and quick my job and go with him in the truck I put all my household items in 2 large storages and parked my car there as well and kind of moved into the truck. Everything was going great for a few months and suddenly when we come into Fresno he never wants to be with me or do anything with me, and now since we have no place to go we got a motel for the week but he’s never there just comes back to the room and shower and goes to sleep, wakes up and leave me again by myself..now he just won’t talk or come back to me at all. I follow him to his Aunty’s house trying to talk to him he wouldn’t even look at me. He just tell me to move my car and follow his Aunty I don’t know where they are going…now he still can’t leave her house even if he husband gone..when her husband comes back he would take off and come back when he’s gone..now what does he want me to think and oh just to let everyone know that is now his real aunt or uncle…maybe God open up everyone’s eyes..
i’m facing the same problem billy.i’m 18 and look I was in a serious relation of 3years..today she said the same thing that your fiancé has said..but its a little different case..still almost same problem..and after one month I’ve exam..so I was in real depression.but I’ve realised that if after 3 years of love she has decided to leave me and thinks she may get a better person then let it be.you can’t imagine in last 3years how much we’ve suffered.how many times I’ve been scowled by their family…but I just want to say that,buddy we have not made any mistake.if she thinks you are not the right person then what can you do? is this what she has understood in the last 9 years?your love was seren,so was mine.but if she finds it that you’re not the right person then let her go..and believe me if she really loves you then she’ll return.sometimes it takes time to understand the importance of a person in one’s life.and when we lose someone we come to know the real importance of that person.so let her take time..and if she doesn’t come back then move on.I’m not saying to go and pick a girl to love.marriage is not everything buddy.
I’m telling you this cause i’ve donet he same and I’m gonna wait.you may think I’m too young but believe me buddy my gf was my world..I wish you a very good luck.
Hi. I’m going through the same thing right now. My fiancé and I were together 9 years. 2 years engaged. We had our bumps along the way but never had aggressive fights. Life was great. She worked late so I made dinner cleaned up did dishes watever needed to be done. Day after Christmas she said we needed to talk but after the holidays. I poked more into and finally it came out. I need to be alone and by myself. I was devastated and emotionally wrecked. The only answer I get is I need to be alone to work this out. I love her so much and I can’t understand where this is coming from. She says it’s been there throughout her life and she suppressed it. But now she can’t go on pretending that it’s not there. Says it’s a void in her life. All I want is to be with her and help her get through watever this is. I don’t have any clue on how to proceed especially with my own life. She is already looking for a new apartment and distancing herself and cutting ties. If anyone here has any advice please write back to me. I’m lost right now and afraid of falling into my own depressive state.
This happened to me too 5 days before Xmas. My husband said he needs to be alone and doesn’t want to be with anyone. We only just got married in Feb 15 🙁 he’s moved away and is cutting me out of his life even though I’ve stood by him no matter what. Some days I think good riddance but other days I just want my husband back because I miss the man I fell in love with and married 🙁
My husband snapped two weeks before Christmas. It came about because he was feeling extreme guilt from hiding the fact that he was still indulging in online affairs and sexting, which we found through the therapist is an addiction and caused the depression and anxiety he was feeling. That first night, he just looked crazy. It was in his eyes. He spoke of vividly seeing himself put a gun in his mouth and the stress would be gone, though he said he could never actually act on it but that it was so scary – understandably. That first week was a lot of confusion, tears, or anger. He was quiet, impatient and grumpy the week or so after. Then he began pulling back, hard. I got the whole “I love you but I don’t think that I am IN love with you anymore” line and now he just tells me that he can’t be married right now because he has to face this alone and it won’t happen overnight. He said he can’t keep hurting me. He’s just a roller coaster. All over the place. One day he spoke about all of the things we were going to do in our home: new furniture, closet organizers “this side for my stuff and this side for yours”… Etc. Then the next day he says he wants a divorce and that he was just being nice the day before.
I have been in a relationship with a girl more than a year. There will be a small small fights. Recently we fought very aggressively. Now we broke up. What to do? How to make her come back to me? How to make her feel that i am her world? I need to lead a happy life with her.
Hi. I’m going through the same thing right now. My fiancé and I were together 9 years. 2 years engaged. We had our bumps along the way but never had aggressive fights. Life was great. She worked late so I made dinner cleaned up did dishes watever needed to be done. Day after Christmas she said we needed to talk but after the holidays. I poked more into and finally it came out. I need to be alone and by myself. I was devastated and emotionally wrecked. The only answer I get is I need to be alone to work this out. I love her so much and I can’t understand where this is coming from. She says it’s been there throughout her life and she suppressed it. But now she can’t go on pretending that it’s not there. Says it’s a void in her life. All I want is to be with her and help her get through watever this is. I don’t have any clue on how to proceed especially with my own life. She is already looking for a new apartment and distancing herself and cutting ties. If anyone here has any advice please write back to me. I’m lost right now and afraid of falling into my own depressive state.
Hi I can relate to your situation. My partner of 8 years and also the father of my 2 young children left me at the end of October. It was an out of the blue moment – we never argued but he has suffered with depression for 4 years… He’s on medication but it hasn’t been working very well lately… I see him 4 times a week as he comes over to see the boys… But we have a lot of alone time too as he will put the boys to bed and stay with me for a couple of hours before I go swimming while he baby sits them. He’s talking to other girls online but hasn’t met up with anyone. Whenever he’s over he doesn’t talk to these girls and won’t talk to them the day after he sees me but after a couple of days without seeing me he’ll start talking to them again… As though he’s trying to push out his feelings towards me by replacing me with these other girls! I’ve asked him recently about us and he said he still needs time to think (even after 12 weeks) when we’re together we have a laugh and act as though nothing ever happened (apart from we don’t kiss or hug) but we watch tv together, chat together, have a laugh together. I’m just so confused! I don’t think he knows what he wants… But the only thing I can think of is that his depression has pushed him away from me.. Even though I’m the closest person to him! I went to the Drs and have been put on medication for anxiety as that has got worse since he left… I’m also having counciling… I don’t think I would cope without any of that! I just pray every night that he will see sense and come back to his family!
Hi ,
I am the abandoned partner and i can completely relate to your past. Its been 3 months now dealing with this. Not sure what can I do to “prevent the break up”.He is in denial mode and I am taking help from family to deal with this but don’t think it will help.I dont think he realizes that depression i smaking him do this and he is not doing anything to deal with it.Just staying in his own shell and isolating himself and keeping himself busy.But that won’t solve anything and i am finding it extremely difficult to carry on my life with “his attitude”.Do you have any suggestions for me or something I can do to make him understand?
My partner of 16 years left me 3moinths ago,,we lived together 16 years&have an 8 year old son…he says he’s never coming back,he says he can’t..&can’t promise he will change his mind..but then says he’s struggling..not happy&this week he’s not coping either! I love him&he knows am wanting him home xx the old me has gone,the old home that go it us booth down has gone…everyone says he’s going through a crisis..work for him us so stressful x reading everyone’s posts am going yeah that sounds like him x we speak be very night on the phone..text each other x my heart is broke..he won’t get help x
My ex would go on and on, about how his ex wife cheated on him. I really tried to be there for him. I feel like he didn’t appreciate my help. I would think to myself “Not this again!”. I don’t mean that in a horrible way. When a lover keeps talking about their ex, I sort of despair, because twenty years after their divorce, surely he’d be even just SLIGHTLY over her. Every day of living with him, would begin and end the same way. On the mornings, he’d walk into the dining room, and hug me, and kiss me, as if I was about to die. I really liked that part of him. By afternoon, his mood would dip. By 2pm, he’d be in a good mood again, and be all over me again. Anyway, I found this all very confusing. I remember thinking “He truly loves me, yet I’m not feeling it”.his change in mood would happen at the same times, every day. I would already know that by e.g, 2pm, he’d be back to the kind, Warm-hearted person. It broke my heart constantly watching him morph from nice man, into an angry person. And when they say stuff like “I’m going to put a hammer through the telly, if this programme stays on”, it’s terrifying. I remember when my mum came to visit me, and he was in one of his bad moods. I didn’t know where to put myself, so I asked my mum if she fancied going for a walk with me. I would just go to another room, or go somewhere else, when he started getting agitated. I hope he really regrets leaving me behind. Unfortunately, I only live round the corner from him. If I ever see him again, I’ll just put on a brave face, and pretend I’m doing well without him. Though I’ll be asking him why he felt the need to leave me, because I need to know. There’s nothing worse than being left to wonder why something happened.
I read everything frim top to bottom and we all have the same experience with a guy who has depression. I myself dated a guy who lately told me he has depression from ptsd due to childhood trauma. Since then i alwaya tried to initiate contact. Sex changes due to his medication. I feel like he is living a double life if im not with him and womens guts is always right.
He communicates poorly but treats you like a queen when we are together. With medication he is the happiest fellow, nightmares at night i have to put my hand on him to tap that its ok, still tired when he wakes up, sudden silence without medication.
If i can just use my leatherman and fix his thought and brain so it would be normal, or if i could share some of his burden i would. He follows me when he knows im sad due to his words. But i never had the freedom to visit him without permission.
Something is wrong. I just need him to communicate and all im doin now is wait. Hoping all goes well. but it seems that we all have a common denominator here. Depression!
Thank you for this article. Exactly how I feel of what went down. My (ex) boyfriend and I had a great relationship. We weren’t together long but it got serious quick (mostly his fault). Everything was wonderful. We had such a connection and things kept getting better and better. A couple weeks before we broke up he kept telling me how lucky he is to have met me and how our meeting was meant to be. He told me that I’m his best friend and I made him so happy. I felt that he really meant it. He was even toying with the idea to move in together, talking about future plans and how he can’t wait to share them with me. Only a couple weeks after that talk, he starts pulling away and acting distant. When I asked him about it he admitted he’s been distant and he gets like that from time to time and that it’ll go away. He admitted when he gets like that he isolates himself from his family and friends, sometimes for months and he hadn’t spoken to anyone in a while. He said his work spoke with him about his behavior lately and his attitude at work lately. He lost weight also. I didn’t think anything of it until a week later after continuing to be distant with me he said that he has to talk to me. He says he has doubts about our relationship. When I asked him why he said because he can’t be 100% certain that he sees me in the future. He said half of him does and half of him doesn’t and he needs to be certain. I told him we’ve only known each other for a short time, of course we aren’t certain we are getting to know each other. When I asked him about his doubts the reasons he gave me were very irrational, twisting something out of nothing. He said he needs to figure himself out. I told him I think he needs therapy and he agreed. However, he admitted he still has feelings for me. He said his doubts and mind is taking over and he’s not the person he used to be. Everything was FINE not too long before that and it’s like all of a sudden he’s a shell of what he used to be. (within a matter of two weeks!) I gave him his space for 3 weeks then thought I’d shoot him a quick text to wish him well, trying not to over bear him. He said he’s doing fine and sorry that he’s not ready for a long term relationship. He was very cold in his texts. I asked if he got therapy and he said how do I know that’s just how he is? He deleted me from Facebook just like that. How can a person turn so cold within a couple weeks? I am devastated. I know he’s going through something but I am in shock and don’t know how to deal with it. Some days are good and some days I’m a mess. Shock is def the key word. He did a complete 180 on me. I miss the person he used to be so much. Thank you.
I am living this now….
I met My Ex-Wife thru a Christian Dating Site. I talked back and forth for about 10 days and really hit it off. We both were talking about that first face to face to feel things out because we both were captivated by each other. So about 2 wks of talking we decided to have a date. I went over to Her house to watch a movie and pizza. She was even more wonderful in person and she thought and felt the same for me. We started dating immediately and Loved and Enjoyed each other’s Company immensely. Around 2 1/2 months into our relationship she closed herself up somewhat. We were toying with the idea of Marrying and kinda made a date around 5 1/2 months later. She closed up one weekend, wouldn’t come to the door, would not call me. i went over the next day and i was determined to get her to answer the door i knocked and knocked. Sat in My Car i called Her numerous times. Sat in the car another 30 mins and decided to knock once more. She finally let me in. We were doing great after this, very much so that she came up with an updated day to get married 12/12/12. She told me that the first day she saw me that if i had of ask her hand in marriage then she would have said yes. During first week in Dec. i get a little cold feet because i totally wanted to marry her and since i knew that i Loved Her and Only Her i wanted to spend the rest of My Life with Her. She felt the same as Me, but her mother was taken a back by her daughter’s sudden change in status. Her Mother had her own reservations about Me and Her(ex-wife). Anyways we did get married on 12/12/12. We both were so Happy. It was My first Marriage and Her Second. Things went well the first couple months and i was preparing to have Surgery out of town in about a month and half. She was always a bit too much introverted whereas i was always extro/intro. She was Extro at work. But it didn’t bother me cause i Loved Her for Her. I had the Surgery she was there, but not there when i woke up. She had to come back home for work. She was distant with me during my stay in the hospital for 1 month then sent home to stay in rehab hospital another 10 days. She came to see me on a Saturday and revealed to me that she didn’t want to do this anymore and i said what exactly do you mean? She said The Marrige. I was devasted to say the least. Thank God My Nurse talked with Me for about an hour and called the Doctor for something to calm me down. I felt like a piece of trash being thrown onto the street. I still Love Her and Still try to Keep the connection alive because we are friends now, but usually i initiate contact. I am dealing better than i did the first couple years, but it still hurts and i still cry at times uncontrollably inside. God has been The Main Thing keeping Me together, but sometimes i fail to call on Him when i get too feeling down. If their were one thing i could say to people out there i would say this, becareful with a person’s Heart it can easily break and although it happens, think twice before you say I Do!!! I LOVE YOU JLR!!!!!!!
On October 10 at 3:30 am, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, packed his things and left. We didn’t have an argument. He’s been suffering from severe depression most of his life. He has not sought help or treatment. As a former social worker I thought I could help him. I could not. In desperation, I called, emailed and texted him. He has refused all contact with me. I realize now that contacting him was not in anyone’s best interest. The devastation I feel is indescribable. As he was packing he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore and when I told him that was untrue and we could get through this together, he told me he doesn’t need me, friends or family and just needs to be alone. He told me that I made him more miserable than anyone could ever imagine. He told me that my son is better off without him. The words stung. I’m still reeling. It has taken me a few days to truly realize that it was not me. We had a great relationship and our love was very real. I have no delusions of us ever reconciling; not because I don’t want to, but because there is a strong possibility that he won’t want to. I will love him forever. He is the love of my life. My advice to anyone going through this is to take care of yourself so you don’t sink into depression yourself. Don’t blame yourself. The depression causes irrational, negative thoughts. YOU cannot love the depression away. All I can do now is pray he gets the help he needs.
How is everything. My husband if 13plus years wants separation because he doesn’t love me. Doesn’t think we should be married. And is all of a sudden resentful of things that happened 4-5 years ago. Really hard.
I’m trying to be as loving and distant as he wants . We have a daughter that he is active with. We had two counseling appoinents and he maintained his reasons for leaving.
It all really came out of the blue. It feels like me met someone else but I don’t know for sure.
There were signs of depression and change before he left. Sexual problems but sometimes I think it’s just me. Lack if motivation he had before.
I only know time will tell. He asked for the dr number a while back. Even wanted me to make an appointment for him. They would not allow it.
I guess prayer and time will tell what is going on and in the meantime I can only continue to live life.
Ss
Hi Cheryl…..I’m sorry for both how you and your boyfriend must be feeling. Same for me….boyfriend of 1.5 years left me 3 months ago. Won’t answer phone, rarely responds to texts…makes get together plans….and always camels. He admits to depression years ago, but is in denial now, although looking back I can see chronic depression for our entire relationship. I’m the only one who recognizes his depression, and I suppose is the reason he has pushed me away. I’ve sent cards expressing my unconditional love and support…trying to keep the connection alive. I worry about him so. He commented in the first month about being hopeless and falling apart, yet he can’t see depression. Maybe he does, but doesn’t want me to know…..but there is no question in my mind. I would live to hear if you have an update, or how things are transpiring. Take care
I thought that when my date shared his depression problem to me he was comfortable with us. But clearly he disappeared after. Why do they do that? They say that they are not dating anybody else but with no communication things are just “what if’s?”
My partner left me 3 weeks ago. He was diagnosed with clinical depression about two months ago and has been on medication for 5 weeks. I’m so confused. We would have great times and then out of nowhere he would just make a cutting comment or his mood would switch. I would tell him I did not like how he was treating me and then he would get incredibly angry and suddenly decide he felt nothing for me. He tried to leave me multiple times. Every time I would chase him and beg him to stay and he would. I feel like he liked to be chased. The last time was after we got in a fight. Earlier that day he was telling me he loved me so much and was excited for the evening to come and then he left in the middle of an important performance I was apart of and told me I had to come home so he could breakup with me. I told him he could go if that is what he really wanted, but I didn’t want him to go, he said he thought he never loved me. I feel like I failed and I don’t know how. One minute he was in love and the next he felt nothing and was so cruel.
I don’t know if he will ever come back and I am trying to figure out what I did wrong. At times, and we called them his moments of clarity, he would say “please, no matter what, remember I love you” I just don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if the pills will work or how and if he will come back.
Any advice or word would really be helpful.
Thank you.
We are in the same boat. How are you doing now? I just want to know why.
Me too….. I am dealing exactly with the same thing…diagnosed with bi polar depression. . .did a 180 on me..stuck too me…persuade me for month. …then when things were going absolutely wonderful.. he became paranoid. .then depressed…niw isolates. . Goes up to his parents North too get away. Everytime the periods get closer and longer…..I have been a mess….
Hi, thanks for the article.
I think I’m the one who’s ‘the man’ in your article. I have those dark thoughts you mentioned there and when it’s too overwhelming, I’m so more than ready to pack my bag and leave.
I hate hurting people I love.
But I also realize that I’m very exhausted for working out on things.
At this point of life, I’m so ready to leave anything behind.
I think the best thing to do is to live alone because then you don’t hurt anyone else and give them false hope with sweet happiness because there’s nothing genuine happiness living with depressed people.
There is hope, you find the right doctor and get treated. Sometimes you might try different doctors or medicines to get the right one to work for you. You have to know that part of depression is not wanting to get help. Fight that. There is help. We are in 2015, anything can be treated with the right attitude. Wishing you well. Good luck.
Hello! I am Marah. I just want to share and ask for solution if possible. I am relating to those girls that was abandoned by their partner. I’m still hoping that He’ll come back. I want an honest and reliable answer. I’m experiencing Long Distance Relationship. Other says that this is the hardest kind of relationship. I believe in it too but for me it is the hardest and the best kind of relationship for me. Why? When you are far apart, you two can develop everything, you’ll see each other efforts, can build patience, loyalty, honesty, and the most of all trust.
I’ve met a perfect guy through internet last May 2015, It’s funny because we just chat and had fun (you know!). And then after that we are talking everyday without knowing that we’re getting close to each other until the day I fall for him and it becomes deeper and deeper. He’s the best in making efforts just to call me thru Facetime. We have different time. I’m 5 hours ahead. It’s hard because I’m always waiting for him because he is working and I’m not. I’m missing him all the time. I keep myself busy but when I stop I still think of him. Until I get crazy looking for him, wanting him near me and worst thing in long distance relationship is when you two argued, you want to go to him and ask for forgiveness. But I can’t! I really can’t! T_T There are many ways that I want to do but it will take long time. I said to myself that if possible things are impossible for me maybe in impossible things becomes possible >.<
I searched a lot… How can I call an Alien and give me powers :)))))) That was so funny… How can I do Time Travel. How can I across the West China Sea without taking an Airplane. Crazy ha!? xD
Yeah! I know! When you are in love, You are willing to do everything for the one you love even in impossible way. Right?
Well! While I'm writing this it makes my feelings lighten, even inside was broken. I'm still hoping that He'll still come back to me. I want to cry out loud but crying is not a solution. I believe hoping and motivation will help. Whatever happens in the future if he really not come back to me I'll still follow him in the right time. The right time that I have enough money to visit him. I believe in Forever and destiny if you will just keep hoping and loving that person without regret. If I come to him and I didn't see him. It's okay. I'll smile and say to myself ("It's okay, at least you tried"). In loving, We must take a risk to survive.
It looks like I don't have a problem ha! But I'm sure after this my mind won't stop think of him again specially in bed time. I miss his voice, I miss his kiss, I miss his angelic face, I miss everything in him. (Sigh)
I am regretting right now because I'm the one turned off my phone and turned off Facetime and iMessage after we argued. There's no way for him to contact me that time but when I wake up I start look at my phone but surprise, He's Gone. T_T He's the one that I can't contact anymore. It's been 3 days that I can't reach him. It's killing me. It happens 3 times already and I'm scared this time. I feel like it's the end of my happiness. I don't know what to do. I used to walk outside looking nothing and start crying when I do nothing. I feel so hopeless. I'm asking for advice to someone that experienced something like this. I need him. I want him back.