I’ve often described the way depression can break up close relationships, but does the illness explain everything? How responsible are depressed partners for the human cost that others pay because of what they do when they’re ill?
One reader told me I’d confused her about this. First, I talked about depression taking over someone, as it had done to her husband. The angry stranger he became was the opposite of the man she had married. He became remote, blamed her for everything and left for a time.
Depression can do that. If it’s treated effectively and goes away, however, it might be possible for the old, familiar person to return and the couple to get close to each other again.
It seemed to her that I was putting all the blame on depression, as if the couple had been hurt by flying debris in a tornado and then could heal their wounds after the storm had passed.
Thinking about her partner’s leaving and coming back made more sense to her when explained as the impact of a destructive illness. It wasn’t really him acting in those terrible ways but an inner monster that was driving his behavior and twisting his thoughts. To some extent, that’s true, and I have often described it that way.
But I’ve also talked about the responsibility of recovering partners to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. They were the ones who acted abusively, had affairs, left home without a word, then returned and apologized, then left again – or did other things just as destructive to their families.
When I talked about depressed partners in that way, she thought I couldn’t empathize with her returning husband. He was back, full of remorse and trying with her to restore the relationship. It sounded to her like I was blaming him, after all, rather than his depression.
I know it’s confusing, but this isn’t an either/or choice. Depression causes the changes in behavior, even personality, but depressed partners still need to own up to the damage and pain their actions have brought about. I believe that is an important part of recovery.
It’s such a complicated and sensitive thing to talk about – especially when answering a question from someone who is trying so hard right now to understand what happened.
Though I’ve written about this before, I doubt I’ve ever hit the right balance in describing the way I see it. And, of course, the way I see it only comes out of my experience and won’t necessarily match what others are going through.
Depressed partners can’t simply put the blame on their illness, assure their partners that all the hurtful behavior wasn’t aimed at them and expect that everything will get back to the way it used to be.
I know that doesn’t work because I used to think that way. After a long spell of sullen withdrawal, feeling like my wife was to blame, wanting to get away, I’d snap out of it and be responsive and loving again. I’d feel deeply remorseful but explain what had happened with words like these:
You have to understand that it wasn’t about you. It was all about depression and what was going on inside me.
That was sincere but didn’t help much. Both of us wanted to believe that I was back, and that we could pick up where we had left off. However, things weren’t really the same at all.
Before long, I’d get depressed again, then come out of it, offer the same explanation and feel the same remorse. My wife couldn’t accept that explanation after the first couple of episodes.
She’d tell me:
How can you say it wasn’t personal? You did this to me not to a shadow in your head. How am I supposed to trust you now? I never know who you’ll be from one day to the next.
Saying it was all depression wouldn’t cut it. I had to accept the reality that I had done deeply hurtful things to her. I had to own up to what I had done, get help and work with her to restore trust.
I also had to face her anger. That wasn’t easy for her to express, and it sure wasn’t easy for me to hear. With the help of a therapist, she could get it all out, and I could sit there and take it without trying to fight her off or get angry in return.
What I had done really sank in then. For the next day or two I felt a deep grief. My eyes were clouded with tears much of that time. That’s when I fully grasped the emotional impact on my wife and kids and could see in bright sunlight how much I had put at risk.
After that, I could never again rely on the idea that depression alone had done the harm. It did its work through me and my behavior. I had to learn how to live with the illness and limit the damage I might do to my family while under its influence.
Worrying about what the cause was, who or what is to blame, isn’t going to help much. What happened is done and can’t be undone. Yes, depression will change behavior in drastic ways, but treating it successfully doesn’t bring a relationship back to what it had been.
I put it this way in another post about broken relationships:
… the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
It’s a great thing when a relationship can adapt to the impact of depression and survive. Many don’t, especially when the illness keeps coming back. There’s a lot anger, hurt and broken trust to deal with, and treating the illness of one person won’t do it for you.
That’s been my experience. Has it turned out differently for you?
Wow. Reading all of these posts help me realize I am not alone in dealing with a depressed partner. Some days I think I’m going crazy because of illogical events that have occurred. It’s been so hard to talk to friends and family who just don’t understand.
My boyfriend has been struggling with depression and anxiety for the past 10 years. In the 2 years we’ve been together, he’s been nothing but perfect and we get along great together. The depression and anxiety was never an issue until 2 months ago when had a major episode (which had no apparent trigger). Since then it’s been a downward spiral with episodes getting more and more severe and have now escalated to the point of suicide.
Like many of you have stated in your comments, he seems to have no recollection of the irritable outbursts, irrational behavior, or delusional thoughts exhibited during his depressive episodes. There is no remorse, no apology, no thank yous, no acknowledgement of his actions. One minute he’ll be the man I fell in love with, the next minute he’ll be out of control. He does not seem to understand the psychological trauma it causes me to receive his suicidal phone calls, find him unresponsive, being asked to bring a gun over to kill himself with, or delusions that I’m going to physically assault him and his dogs. Depression or not, nobody deserves to be treated like that!
He can no longer handle a relationship because he can no longer handle himself. I was the one person there to support him through all his ups and downs and suicide attempts, but I am the first to be abandoned. It all feels very cold. He has chosen to withdraw and isolate because “he is a burden”. He is upset that he upset me, but cannot rationalize what I am upset about. 2 years together, and he acts like I never existed. I feel used and worthless.
Lindsey – so sorry to hear what you’re going through. My “ex” if you call him that has threatened suicide too, but not in an extreme way. I think his is more passive just when he gets irritated at me for saying something he doesn’t like (which is a lot since he gets easier defensive & reads into everything). I haven’t heard from him since early Friday afternoon. We got into an argument via text over a couple of qs I had. We can’t ever win. He wants to speak to me about his thoughts & vent, etc., but I want to ask qs or talk about things & he freaks out. I know what you mean with feeling used & worthless. I feel like we put so much into a relationship, only for them to walk away so easily. The thing is, it’s not “easy” for them at all, and they’re in deep pain, but on our end we are left confused, broken-hearted, sad, missing them, wishing they would just be themselves again, and they can act like none of the memories matter. And I know it’s so hard on them, but also hard on us & hard for us to fully grasp it all. Keep me posted on your status. I’m in week 5 and he started a new medicine about 3 weeks ago. Hang in there. I know it’s tough 🙁
Any update Kristin?
After 3 months of acting like I didn’t exist (and him going into total isolation) he reached out to me about a month ago bc his dog was seriously injured. I was nice about it and asked if he needed help with anything, no biggie. Later that night the conversation quickly switched to him trying to convince me to come over bc he was upset, needed a hug, and wanted some “playtime”. I could tell he had been drinking and politely said no. The next morning I called him out on it to say how inappropriate it was for him to ask that after 3 months of acting like I didn’t exist. Tells me how mean I am and that I don’t support his recovery.
2 weeks later he walks into my office all chatty Cathy like we’re bffs again. Again, I try talking to him all nice and calmly about it the next day and he blows up again.
2 weeks later I send him a text saying I was proud of him bc he had a noticeable difference in demeanor and was talking to people again… something that’s been gone since last May when the depression started kicking in.
Since then he’s been very hot & cold. One day up one day down. Yesterday awesome conversation, today (Valentines Day) zip. It’s very emotionally draining.
I often wonder if these are signs the depression is starting to break.
He’s a cheating jerk. He’s moved on, and I saw his mom post a selfie, and in it was a pic of my ex with his new girlfriend and her kids smiling like some happy family on a canvas picture hanging in his mom’s living room. Sick! We have only been apart since October. Best of luck to you!! I think you should move on. They’re loss and you need to get away from it! I loved him and did everything for him and we were so close, best friends. Then abruptly breaks up with me? To move on with an Insta family and I’m left behind? So cold 🙁
When does this get easier? About a month ago I was blindsided and devastated when my boyfriend said he was “unhappy” and “broken”. I confronted him on his intense irritability with me and snappiness and he spilled everything. He said all of these things that came out of nowhere. Our relationship was not perfect (as no ones is), but it was pretty good, or so I thought. I thought it was all me. I kept running fights we had in my head, wishing I wouldn’t have said this or maybe said this more. That I should have done this or that, and been more positive or less naggy about certain things. However, I then thought back to he was not perfect himself. He would get a temper easily, snap at me, roll his eyes over silly stuff, etc. And that our fights were pretty normal, even if some were unnecessary with my insecurities. My friend pointed out that some of his actions reminded her of her husband and his depression moods. It was then that I began researching so many things on depressions and relationships, which brought me to this site.
I cannot believe the amount of stories that sound almost identical to mine. I have been reading and commenting on others posts for a while, but finally making my own. Even realizing that it is depression as the cause, it does not make the situation much better. He has moved into his mom’s, wants space, texts less some days and more others (but does text daily and says he loves me still), and acts like a completely different person. He did something that I NEVER thought he would do. I had been reading about how some men do uncharacteristic things, such as start behaving badly to find an escape. He lied to me about where he was and who he was with. He was hanging with a girl “friend” that he used to work with when he first start dating me. She was recently divorced. I was sick to my stomach and said some really mean things, depressed or not. I made him feel terrible. He has hung out with her AGAIN. He insists they are just friends and she is nice to talk to. He said she may like him, but he does not want to move on with her. He loves me, wants me to fix myself (just things I can work on), while he fixes himself and then fix us. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I understand that men and women need attention or seek excitement and opposite sex attention within depression sometimes, but I wish they would understand it’s only short term excitement, and they can lose something amazing.
My stomach has hurt nonstop for a month, chest pounding, crying daily, severe anxiety every morning – the worst time for me, I have vomited a couple of times, I keep replaying memories in my head. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I have to stay in the apartment that we got together, staring at the things we bought together, and watching the shows on the recorder that we used to watch together. I am seeing a therapist, speaking a lot to friends, getting in shape, eating better, reading forums and books, and trying my best to focus on myself, but he was and still is the love of my life.
I am SO ANGRY that this disease even exists. I read somewhere that men in depression don’t do well with fights, so they get pushed away even in normal fights and relationships, and even if him and I never fought at all, this still would have happened. I know it is not my fault, but it does not help things. I am so sick of feeling sad, sick, and missing him. Why did this have to happen to us? He seemed so loving towards me in August, then mid-September after getting on Zoloft he was some different person. I knew things had been building up this past year, but now I know why, his depression has been growing stronger. He said he has felt this broken feeling for 20 years. I am so sad for him and sad for our relationship. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He still reaches out to me, says he loves me, and even tonight we are seeing a movie. But, my biggest fear is no matter what, he will move on in one way or another. Whether it’s with that girl, or he gets the help he needs and still does not want to be with me. I will be devastated all over again if that’s the case. Sorry so long. If anyone is still out there reading these boards, please reach out. I could use someone who is in my situation.
My partner left me last night. Three days before, we had our first big fight where he messed up, and I could have gone easier on him, but I got incredibly sad, and he spiralled down into self-hatred. He says that him loving me isn’t enough, love isn’t enough, he can’t handle being in a relationship right now.
I’ve been married to a partner with borderline personality disorder, and when I met my now-ex, he told he had been depressed for years but he learned to manage it. two months into the relationship, it suddenly hit him again, and he changed from super caring to less-caring and irritable, all things I understand are the depression.
I can’t go through this again, like I had to after my divorce. I’m spiralling down into deep depression myself at the moment. We had plans to move abroad, live together. It was a new relationship, 5 months, but it felt very healthy, mature, loving. I know I needed more contact than he on a daily base, needed to seem him more than he did me, but I thought I could learn to deal with that. I don’t understand how he can want all those things one day, and still let me go the next.
I could really use your words too. Maybe we can support each other. Right now, I don’t want to wake up again tomorrow.
Hi csklan,
So sorry to hear of your situation. Especially having gone through it already with your ex. I now think back to the ex before my current one and he did similar things, now I know it was probably depression. I had bad luck back to back myself. I can definitely see what you’re going through. Just think like I’ve finally been thinking – it’s definitely not us. It’s their depression. I still get so frustrated & want to just have him “snap” out of it, but I know that’s not how depression works. People tell me to take care of myself, and I am. I go to therapy, hang with friends, work, watch lots of tv, etc., but I still miss him & want him back enjoying the shows & movies with me.
I sympathize with you and your plans with him. I assumed we would be getting engaged, buying a home and having a baby all within the next year & a half. And then this happened. I’m so heartbroken. He just texted me as I was typing this. He always texts me daily, but never wants to do things together. I know it shows he loves me, but just can’t handle being around me. Does yours text at all? I also needed more time with him whereas he was fine doing stuff with friends more often.
Please, don’t bring yourself down into depression. I’m trying not to myself. Watch your favorite show or movie & message me 🙂 hugs!
He does’t contact me at all.
I went to his place yesterday morning as soon as I woke up to talk, and he is convinced he can#t do a relationship right now, regardless of his feelings for me, and that he has to be selfish and take care of himself. He says it’s too much to handle the pressure and responsibilities of a relationship, whereas I never realised it was pressure at all. I should have. Just days before he said I was the best part of his life and that he wants to be with me.
after I saw him yesterday he had to leave for work and I was unable to walk away. I stood outside his door until he left, he came out of the building, gave me hug and he seemed all normal and ready for life, and I went back into the building and sat on his staircase for hours until a friend came and got me. I texted him therapists, that we could try things, that I would try anything, tried calling him, and I know none of this helps, and as expected he responded to nothing.
He’s better off without me in his life, apparently.
I have to go to work today and I don’t know how to keep moving my body from one space to the other. He’s not the kind of man that goes back and forth, I believe. He made his decision. He left me. Even though he wanted this relationship, he couldn’t see our plans and life anymore, and I don’t understand how those things disappeared in a matter of days.
Just keep remembering just like I have to do, it’s not us, nor them, it’s their illness. They become selfish & have to focus on themselves. It changes them drastically. My “ex” (we never said broken up), texts me daily, but we got into it yesterday over him Not liking a reply of mine & his defense was high. So haven’t heard from him since. He said sorry for fighting though. He’s now trying to say that he’s unhappy outside of depression with me as well. I do not buy it. No way would he have texted me daily, sent pictures, worried about what I was up to, vented to me etc. if he didn’t want me in his life. So I finally am giving him actual space (not quite 24 hours yet). Funny thing is I was trying to this past 3 weeks, but he will message me first. Guess not this weekend. I keep thinking he will hang with his friend (a girl). He said he’s hanging alone today, but I never know what to think.
Here’s to you, that your guy contacts you once he realizes that it’s not you & his mind is more clear. I am wishing the same on my end. It’s definitely heartaching to endure though.
I just keep thinking, when will he come out of this fog. Hopefully quickly. But reading many things, probably not. He does take meds & has therapy soon.
The part of your story that got me was “he seemed so loving towards me in August, then mid-September after getting on Zoloft he was some different person”.
I too am in a very similar situation. My perfect boyfriend became a monster literally overnight when he started a new dosage. This is when the depressive episodes began spiraling out of control. The irritability, the irrational thoughts and delusions, the outbursts directly coincided to the day they adjusted his meds. He’d have a big episode, then take 2-3 days to calm down, be perfect again, and then BOOM another episode. Now it’s to the point of suicide. He’s truly turned into a terrible person to be around.
They’ve since adjusted his meds. Now he’s doped up beyond belief. He considers this to be a good thing since he no longer feels suicidal… he no longer feels anything… and that includes love for me. It’s been very sad to see him experience all of this knowing there is nothing I can do or say to help him. One day he’s perfect and we’re madly in love, the next day “he’s a huge burden” and pushes me away. It’s been one devastating rollercoaster ride.
All of your partners seems to have contacted you again, and mine doesn’t.. Last night something awful happened on my way home, I forced myself to be out and with people and I saw a therapist myself to cope better, and on the train home 3 men were attacking another guy and I jumped in-between to stop them and one of them sprayed with me pepper-spray. The police got involved, I had to give a statement and a description and everything and I have no idea what even happened to the guy that initially got attacked. My first instinct after the whole mess was to call him, to talk him, and I wrote him if I please could, because he is still my person, and I wrote what happened, and he didn’t respond to any of it. He wants me out of his life, I can’t believe the depression can be so so deep that his care for my wellbeing is also completely gone, even if we are not together anymore.
I’m so desperate to have him contact me, to give us a second chance, talking to the therapist yesterday helped me realise a lot about his depression and the things I did wrong.
I just wish he could allow me to stand by him while he figures his stuff out.
Maybe he doesn’t contact me because he truly believes he made the right choice, because he made the healthy decision for himself to only take care of himself, and I can’t do anything but respect that. What is wrong with me then wanting him back, wanting back even the miserable parts, being unable to cope facing a life without him.
I struggle so much with the idea that all these months he kept telling me he wanted to be with me, even Sunday he reassured me I was the best part of his life and he would be crazy to let that go, and boom, Wednesday he is convinced he can’t do it, he doesn’t see a future anymore, he can’t be the man he needs to be, etc. etc. I know I keep repeating myself here and I’m sorry for that, I’m not offering anyone any help here, I just don’t know what else to do.
Lindsey – yes! I look back & think he’s had differences in him this past year or so as far as easily irritable, but he’ll still mostly be his normal self. We will laugh, joke, go on dates, shop, all the normal stuff. We went on vacation the end of July & he was irritable towards me the last day lashing out at me about something that wasn’t even my fault. Throughout the year he would say he’s a failure and can’t do anything right towards me. So I think (and my therapist says) that he must have depression that never goes away, but that can all the sudden hit bad spells, which is now. So he got on meds for anxiety again (he got off them last time do to no libido & wasn’t really helping him anyhow). I never knew he had depression though. Thought just anxiety. In August he was so good to me. Got me roses, so cuddly & sweet. That’s when he first got on the meds. Not sure if had to do with the meds or just feeling more loving. Right before our September European vacation he was his normal self. Once we got on the plane he became so irritable. Nitpicking about everything I did, rolling his eyes, smart alic, criticism towards me about my looks (things he used to love about me), dirty looks etc. I was so upset as it felt this vacation would be long with him being that way. He kept on his phone most of the time, didn’t want to take pictures with me, just being mean. I finally said something towards the end of the trip & that’s when he blew up. Then it hit me about his medicine (it was the prime time for it to kick in). How can someone go from loving a couple of weeks before to this monster? Couples all have problems. You work it out, not leave. And the thing is, that’s why I know this is the depression.
He kept reminding me that he does love me and even said it every night. Now, nothing since Friday. I wonder if he’ll reach out soon. I’m trying not to though. Does yours speak to you? Does he ever say anything nice?
Hi there, you are in an abusive relationship and have been so utterly worn down by this man you don’t see it. Love isn’t meant to hurt. He is on a cycle of destruction and knows that you are there waiting whatever he does, even getting close to another female safe in the knowledge that you are going to be there. STUFF THAT! Come on sister, deep breath, shoulders back and get back your mojo and self respect.
I say this from experience. Spent 10 years with a manic depressive and naively thought my love would save him. Had the most turbulent life with his endless short temper, negativity, irrational behaviour, jealousy, verbal abuse, misery and blame. I ended up losing hair, confidence, priorities and focus and only after many many tears, despair and desperation I decided to take charge and gain control of my life. We all deserve better. We all deserve love that’s pure and true. We deserve support. We deserve kindness and tolerance. You won’t ever get this. You’ll get the scraps that he feels like giving you. Take charge of your life before its too late….PLEASE XX
My partner left me 4 months ago and we had no contact at all until yesterday out of blue he rings me and says he made a mistake and still loves me and no one can make him happy like I did. I’m just so confused, he pushed me away and went to another girl. And now I don’t know what to do 🙁 as we still have that connection that we had…
hello, i’ve just gone through something very similar, although it was a LDR.
My ex-bf (well “would have been” bf) lost all feelings for me two months in, despite admitting to falling a bit in love with me prior to that. He appears to be suffering from severe depression. He’s also been seeing a psychotherapist since beginning of year. As our relationship (or contact- we weren’t really in a relationship) got more distant he talked about feeling numb, indifferent, not himself, listless, plus not interested in seeing friends. He has also got serious self-hatred issues.
I tried to end it a few times after he got all distant and weird & once he threatened to kill himself in response. Which I found totally scary . He later dumped me via text claiming he didnt’t want to hurt me (this fear of hurting me came up again and again towards the end- basically him saying he didn’t love me).
He then came back saying he had cried for a day and a half so that “must mean something.”
He later told me, amongst other things, that after after the first time he dumped me, he almost came to my city to propose “because he knows im good for him”. He also sent a pic of himself crying whilst dumping me, which was super strange.
Then we made plans for him to visit me, so he could at least see each other again (first time in 1.5 months) & figure out his feelings. But after a while I just got pissed off with the whole thing, (the change in him- from sweet and loving to sounding like a robot & taking no interest in my life whatsoever).
I then kind of forced it to end by telling him he was being a douche and went pretty crazy. His predictable response was to cancel his visit and dump me, very melodramatically by text, saying he couldn’t be in a relationship “right now” as he had too much “crap in his head”, felt “numb” and “heartless”, “asexual”, “not like himself” & that the “nicer person” who he had been when I met him had “either died or was sleeping”. That he hoped he would come crawling back to me one day, and that if we had a future it was “not now” and kept going on about me “letting go” of him (although he had actually been the one to keep it going). He didn’t come back this time.
I’ve been sleeping with someone else since then (not a bf but a fwb thing), but the whole thing still bugs me a lot, because i invested in it more than I should. Yesterday- I set the location on a dating app I use to his hometown (reminded me why internet stalking is NEVER good and why I don’t normally do it 🙂 ) and lo, there he was, with a new profile which i guess he must have made straight after he ended it with me (or possibly just before) & was active a few days ago.
I felt super bad for stalking, but was also furious, because although I accepted he had ended it, I assumed it was mainly because of his depression. I genuinely thought the guy was just really messed up & confused.
I then (stupidly) confronted him about the dating site on whatsapp, and he responded that he was “bored and wanted to compare it to Tinder” and wasn’t writing to anyone and currently had no plans to meet anyone (i.e in total denial). Obviously total BS answers. That he “didn’t have to justify himself” – I would agree with him on that front- what he does with women now is his business, EXCEPT he wasted SO much of my time (for no apparent reason- he wasn’t into me anymore, so why keep it going?) , then lied completely at the end- leaving me trying to work out what went wrong, instead of just being straightforward.
He then added “just so you know, i’m not well at all ” and then “I like you, but i can’t do this anymore” blocked me. The same man who 1.5 months ago, had begged me not to end it….
ultimately, my point is, I think all this can’t be blamed on depression.
I think people who are severely depressed and numb, and unable to be in a relationship, do not sign up to dating websites as soon as they dump a partner, unless they are open for something new.
Yes, it means I meant less to him than I thought. Painful stuff.
I think though, that perhaps us blaming the depression is a way of us avoiding facing the truth (And in some ways delays us getting over them and moving on, which is not helpful) That we simply can’t accept that these people, who once seemed so into us & reciprocated our feelings or a while, just aren’t any more, for whatever reason. Yes, depression can cause loss of feelings, withdrawal and breakups. But it sure as sh*t doesn’t make someone create new profiles on dating websites or go out looking for new partner and sex, if they are numb or still have any feelings for the dumpee at all. It’s a clear sign that he or she just wasn’t that into you (anymore).
Better face the truth and look after yourself. You are the one to focus on, not some douchebag who doesn’t care anymore.
Did we date the same guy? My relationship was also a LDR. My ex swept me off my feet, convinced me that Imwas his “soulmate”, that he loved me and wanted to marry me one day.
He was upfront about the depression and anxiety issues that he had suffered. He often told me how emotional he was and would also send those crazy pics of himself crying. One day, I was completely blindsided by the breakup. Told that he was “emotionally dead”, “numb” and depressed and that he couldn’t be good for anyone. I was devestated and asked too many questions which pushed him away further. After giving him space, I would still receive texts every week or so updating me on how crummy his life was and how I should move on. I have decided to not respond to anymore of his texts as I have a hunch he is talking to other women online. Is it really depression or just a confused messed up,guy?
Hi Sandy-sorry you’ve also been through this crap.
My answer is: both. He sounds very messed up & depressed but also like a douche. The two are not mutually exclusive. With hindsight I can say this guy I was seeing is an emotional mess but also an assclown. Being depressed isn’t an excuse for treating people badly. If you really meant something to him, he would still want you. Question is: would you want him? I think you can do a lot better TBH. He sounds awful. I know it hurts now, but in time, you’ll be glad he faded you out.
Oh and it is odd how these guys behaved identically! Mines in Germany where I live tho. Perhaps they are distant cousins :-). Douchey cousins!
Dear John,
as heartbreaking and as sad as most of the information and perspective you provided me with is, it is equally as helpful and an important part of healing my wounds.
After being with someone who lives with and suffers from depression and being left this year for the third time I have come to understand — with your help that is — that my former partner has left me partly because he was/is in a depressive episode but also because he has not fully faced the fact the he is truly ill. He has not yet been able to take responsibility for his health as well as his actions which leave me deeply affected as well as traumatized.
While he has been in therapy for nearly eleven years now, his therapist has failed to grasp the severity of what is going on as well as that he is depressed. She has diagnosed him — only this year I must add — with seasonal depression which is a farce and has not provided him with any resources or help of getting a proper diagnosis (for example there is a hospital that specializes in diagnoses regarding different forms of depression and therapy). Yet he himself has not taken responsibility in trying other methods besides seeing his therapist every once in a while.
It is because of this and the understanding your site has provided me with that I have — four months after he has broken up with me again during an episode — decided not to initiate any contact. I have finally come to the understanding, that him leaving me is also him not facing up to his illness as well as what he has done to me. Leaving me is an escape that as of now I believe will not lead him to truly dealing with what is going on inside him. After all from his current perspective I am to blame for his state in the first place. Externalizing, I believe, will not change anything for him, giving his power away like this might actually make matters worse.
While I am still deeply in love with this person and this choice is a tough one for me, I also know that he is not on the path of healing and he might not be for quite some time.
I want to thank you sincerely for sharing your knowledge, experience and perspective!
Hello all. I wonder if anyone else has experience with a depressed partner resurfacing and apparently not knowing, understanding, or acknowledging the gravity of the pain their depressed actions, and in my case, disappearance cased.
I (27) was in a brief relationship with a man (31) who lives with depression, but takes medication and goes to therapy. It hardly affected our relationship, until fairly suddenly he changed completely, denied there was a problem, and pushed me away without ever actually ending it. After a particularly hurtful incident I gave up, and he never tried to contact me. I assume all of this (which was four months ago) had to do with his depression. I’ve since moved to a city a couple of hours away, and out to the blue he casually texts me to see how I am and tell me he “never meant to go that long without talking to” me. I don’t believe he knows I assume his disappearance had to do with his depression, but our few subsequent texts offered no explanation and reveal very little real awareness or understanding of what happened and how devastating and bizarre his behavior and disappearance were.
Does anyone else have experience with this sort of flippancy? I don’t know if this is some sort of act or coping mechanism, or if we each have a very very different sense of the course of our involvement and what happened between us.
I have been in a relationship with someone for about nine years and he broke up with me on the phone after the first six. He has had a quite severe depressed episode during this time and when I come to reflect upon that now I realize that even after we’ve gotten back together about twelve weeks after that traumatizing night, we never really made space to talk about how his depressed state has had an impact on his actions during that time. I personally have come to the understanding (at least that is how I make sense of it all) that partners who leave during acute episodes of depression have not fully grasped how real and destructive their illness really is. Leaving out of the blue — and somehow connecting their state of mind with you in one way or another — is a way of not dealing with the real issue at hand.
So I think that not getting an explanation on this, that is helpful to you in any way, is quite common. Also I think it is important to keep in mind, that depression might not be part of your personal life experience and I think that makes it especially hard to be satisfied by any explanation.
I hope you are feeling better after what you must’ve been through!
Thank you for this, Josie. I see your own comment and gather that your own troubles with a depressed partner span much longer and no doubt deeper than my own, so thank you for humoring me with your thoughtful insights.
I never anticipated that if he resurfaced it would hurt similarly to the way it did when he left, but his lack of recognition of what happened seems to communicate that he doesn’t care enough about me to take his disappearance seriously. I don’t know if a partner not fully grasping how real and destructive their illness really is, as you point out, translates to actually not caring about the pain they have caused, or if it is part of a messier package. And I guess I’ll never have a satisfying answer or explanation, but I sure wish I could have one, and I wish he would try.
I’m sorry you’re letting go of someone you love.
Kate, I know exactly how you feel.
Personally I believe that it isn’t as much about not caring about you but rather being preoccupied with themselves. Even when my former and I reunited last time there wasn’t much space for me to voice my feelings. That was and is an incredibly hurtful experience to me. But looking back now I think that even when we were reunited he was still in his depressive episode, just on the other side of it (if that makes sense to you). In this state he was so relieved that he finally felt better, that nothing was of importance except his well being.
Also thank you for your last words. They have given me so much, because that is what I am doing, I am actively making a choice to let go of someone I love. I am being deliberate and am making a choice: I choose myself. Thank you, for making that clear to me!
Thank you, Josie.
As I read these it’s like I’m looking at my own life and what I’m currently facing. It’s terribly difficult for me right now. I’ve been in love with the same man for 11 years now. And we have been on and off for 11 years. We have a bond that I can’t even explain. That first love type of bond. A few years ago he changed I think that’s when the depression came in and that’s when he sought me out. He later confessed he sought me out so that I could make him happy he could not be happy himself and he realized that with me he had been at his happiest so he thought with me back in his life he would be okay. The relationship ended on a disastrous note. I did not know then that he suffered from depression. He would ignore me for days there was no going out and I got to the point where I was soo torn and I assumed that all of this was because of me I had done something. In the end we ended it I was hurt and traumatized. I managed to move on and find love again but he cheated on me so that ended too. Then at the beginning of this year my long term on and off ex resurfaced and we had an open talk he told me about his issues and that he was working on them. Had I know what I was really getting into I would have said no. Now 7 months in, he ignores me, will not talk to me it seems his friends are a priority more than me. And I am hurting. I wonder why I am still here but I am beginning the process of finding myself again. I love him with all my heart and I long for the man he was or long even more for him to realize that I accept him as he is and I wish we could just find a way to adapt and work or maybe I am delusional… I’m just lost right now and I’m trying to understand an un understandable situation.. do I leave and keep suffering or do I get courage and leave..
Our same-sex couples have just broken-up.We had lived in the same home for five years.My spouse had told me before we committed that he was HIV-Infected .As a physician,it made me crying all the time for 1 week.At first,he didn’t want me to be with him but finally we were together.We have tried our best to keep our relationship.
The former 4 years were very wonderful.
The latter 1 year was so terrible for us.My dad was died from Cancer and I was pressured and got MDD.I have done 2 times of suicidal attempt.First time was just before the death of my dad.Second was about 2 months after my dad’s funeral.He had returned and comforted me.Then,I felt that I was not as happy as before.We have quarreled almost everyday.I have taken medications for 7 months and I was fired from 2 clinics I worked .
Then,he said that he was so tired and really aggrieved from the things I always did to him.
What can I do now to bring him back?I am so hopeless now because after I decided to lived with him that means I want to be with him and take of him untill we die.
He said that he understood and forgived me but will never come back because he can’t be sure I will never make him cry again.
So he said he is aggrieved,it means we still love each other but It is my fault.It is not really me.We expected I might be as the first 4 years and I am trying so hard to be recovered from MDD.
How can I make him trust me and understand me?
Now I am crying in my room all the time and I can’t get rid of many ways to committed suicide and wish to undo the last year.
I hope he doesn’t really understand if he really get it,he might be back.I love him so much and never care what he is.
Would you mind giving me some recommendations?
Someone please help.
I’ve had depression for a long time but recently it had been so hard on me and my boyfriend, well now ex. I just broke up with him because I’ve been feeling terrible and the sadness is eating me up inside. I’m not sure what I did was wrong and if it’s too late to fix it. The past two days he hasn’t called or texted me (we don’t see each other during the week, and spend the days together on Sundays due to work). Today is Sunday, I looked at his Snapchat and I see he’s gone out to all of these places and hanging out with friends, he even went to a concert and never even told me. I literally have been lying in bed for days just crying and even when I go outside I am not entirely there. I really wanted him to support me and help me through this rut but recently he’s just ignored me. I broke up with him because it looked like he was having so much fun without me and maybe I’m just bringing him down. We’ve been together for a year now. I’m supposed to get antidepressants tomorrow, did I do the right thing by breaking up? Or should I try to talk to him again? Please contact me niabrown831 (at) gmail (dot) com I need help ASAP.
I know this article is somewhat dated, but I am posting this anyway. Maybe someone can still help me.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I love him more than anything on the face of the planet.
I’ve known since we first got together that he suffers from depression. I was not put off because I also suffer from depression. For this whole relationship we helped each other through all of our rough spots. His ex is crazy and nearly broke us up more then once. But we really see a future together. He is on SSRI’s and has found great success in them. Until a week ago.
He wouldn’t answer his phone(texts or calls). I had no idea where he was and by the time he came home, it was nearly 4 a.m. After hours of panic attacks so bad he passed out, bouts of crying and refusing to talk to me, he finally told me that he was severely depressed. And that the last time he was this bad it took nearly 5 months to recover and that he didnt want to drag me through it. I suggested he see a professional and he denied it.
We didnt know what to do so I left and went home to a whole other state to stay with my parents. I told them everything. My mom is suggesting that I give him a time limit to get professional help or I leave.I dont want to get sucked into the spiral of depression. I know he needs help and I probably do too (i’m working on it for me ) I want to stay with him and love him through it, but maybe it just isn’t the right time. I worry that even with help it wont work and he wont be himself ever again. Some days are good and he actually tries to contact me and he seems himself. I’m just having a really hard time and any advice helps greatly.
my only advice i can give you is to make sure he is not going to use you
Hello, I randomly found this site while trying to find out what to do about my current situation. If anyone could please share some advise I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months up until a week ago. She decided to leave me because her depression has gotten worse and she says she feels nothing now, which makes it hard for her to feel anything for me. She tells me that I deserve better and that she doesn’t want to drag me along when she doesn’t know if she can promise me a forever. What makes it so confusing is that she tells me that she still loves me and that I’m too good for her. Shes told me she misses me but cant take me back out of impulse. I knew she was battling with depression when we first started dating and I told her it didn’t matter to be because I wanted to be with her no matter what. I still do. I love her more that I could explain, shes my world. She stopped taking her medication a while back and I think that’s why things have been going crappy between us. I don’t want to lose her, it would kill me but I also don’t want to make her unhappy by trying to fight this break up. What should I do? Should I fight for this relationship or am I supposed to let her walk away?
Again, any kind of advice would be very helpful.
I’m someone who is currently in a similar situation, except it was a “break up” about 4-5 months ago. It wasn’t really so much a break-up as it was that we stopped dating. Given her importance to me, I told myself that because I loved her, I would stick it out until I couldn’t. In the five months that we stopped dating, she hadn’t moved on to anyone else as I had feared but had started focusing on herself. I haven’t moved on either, and started to focus less on the relationship between her and I, but on her health. It was a rough 4 months. She was cold, distant, and could be very mean, but these were months sprinkled with confusing moments of endearment. She gave me a gift for my birthday and we had a couple of really nice dinners. Now it is the fifth month, and things are looking up. She’s hinted that because it’s been so long since we’d been close, we should start over with a friendship and work our way back up to a relationship. Not only that, our interactions have gotten much warmer and friendlier now.
I can’t give you advice on whether or not you should fight for the relationship, that’s a decision only you can make. But I like to think that if you love someone, you’d stick it out at least a little bit for them, just like you’d hope that they’d stick it out for you if you were going through something.
Im extremely happy that things have been looking up for you guys! Wishing you nothing but the very best in your situation (:
Sadly for me, shortly after getting back together she called it off again but this time was way different. Her ex had came back in the picture and my ex became confused as to what she felt for me and her ex. She felt like she needed time to step back and figure out what exactly she wants.
Its been a month since the break up and its been hell. It sucks that I still love her more than anything but theres nothing i can do. I know it would be stupid of me to wait for her to figure things out because if it was me there wouldn’t be a question but i feel like a part of me can’t help but still hope she comes back to me.
I hope things are still good between you and your person.
Thank you, really. We are still not dating, but honestly, I don’t really care about that now. Our interactions since December (now being the end of June) have gotten better, at least from my perspective. She’s had some terrible terrible nights, and I’m trying my best to support her, even though most of the time she tells me she neither wants nor needs the help. I will continue to try to be open and available to her if the need ever comes. That is not easy task, but I remain focused.
I’m sorry to hear about your ex. Every situation and every outcome as a product of a cause is different. I cannot say if your actions are for the best or not; that’s for you to decide. But! I do wish that however things turn out for you you and your ex are able to find peace, in whatever form that may come. Depression can be so manic and turbulent, and it can be extremely difficult to be patient with someone going through it.
I have same situation and exactly like BFV said, im trying to give my boyfriend space for him to think and also for myself. I love him so much and he is the first one I thinking about building up relationship with (and I had dated many before him). The hard thing with me is Im in distance relationship and I can’t do anything but wait for him.
In this case, I suggest you just give her time and appreciated her decision. What meant to be will be!!! Don’t let go, don’t give up.
Thank you for replying. (:
I think you’re right when you say “whats meant to be will be”
so know I’m just letting things be.
Hopefully things are better now with you and your boyfriend!
Tu, it seems we are in a very similar situation. My depressed boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 5 days ago over the phone, we have a long distance relationship. I’m broken and suffering so much to understand this because we also lived together the last 3 months which went really well and when i think about these moments now it hurts so terribly much because he gave me such a loving feeling. when he broke up, he said he could only see the negative things and that he only felt hate for me and was so angry with me that he broke his computer and he felt like punching me in the face. i cant grasp how he could feel this way towards me. he is supposed to come in 2 weeks in order for us to talk in person but i constantly catch myself holding on to hope even though he said he needs to be alone, maybe for 5 years to get better. this situation that not only i but all of us are going through seems like a nightmare that i cant wake up from. im just confused as of what to think. I’m giving him these 2 weeks of space and haven’t contacted him and am not going to. he hasn’t contacted me either and has not apologized for the way he hurt me. I’m trying to give myself the time too but i feel the situation is too big for my brain to understand. is it possible that we contact each other to exchange our experience?
you said to be hopeful. but im so scared to hurt even more if i hold on to hope while he wants to stick with this. i know he loves me and must miss me too. he was the most loving person when not in his bad episodes and i want to grow old with him. everyone tellmes me to move on as its the best timing. in one week I’m moving to another city which i also did for our future. please can anyone help?
i should maybe mention that he has been going to therapy and just 2 days ago he was supposed to get an antidepressant again.i hope he did. i want nothing more in my heart than for him to get better again. but it hurts so much. why does it have to be either his health or our relationship?
So my boyfriend stop talking to me about month ago. We suppose to meet end of June but now I don’t know what the situation now. We are not offical break up but I guess it is the end of our journey now. I still praying every day for him get better. For me, Im recovering with friends help and it work. It juat not meant to be and I know I deserve a better one just like he said.
My contact is tuanhlee (at) gmail (dot) com.
We could exchange email for more details
how is one supposed to understand this situation. It is too much for a human mind. I am so confused. Some people say to keep fighting for the relationsip but all my friends and family are telling me that what I am holding on to does not exist. I feel so alone with my feelings. Noone of them seems to understand what it actually means in practice and not only theory to lose a person you know is still out there suffering and not seing clearly from one day to the next. Why can’t the partner see that its possible for him to get better and still have the partner in their life? my boyfriend broke up saying he knows I can’t look at this depression more relaxed and without emotions. he didn’t say there is someone better for me he said he cannot fulfill my needs that I have as his girlfriend and that he has to take care of himself now. I told him I can give him space but he didn’t believe me. I don’t know if I can support him like this for years but what I know is that I cannot let this person go because I love him so terribly much and I am constantly thinking we have a future together looking at everything we have built up together. I just came back from living with him in france for 3 months and this worked well! so how am I supposed to tell myself, yes this has no future? I have never felt this lost in my life and I have had really bad family problems. I dream about him every night. Once i dream that he is standing in front of me saying he loves me. the next day I dream I write him a text message saying I miss him and he replies there is no love, tomorrow, soon. I don’t think I can handle this without any professional help. He thought I am breaking with him but I am breaking this way. And even at all the negative things we had in the relationship, I can still surely stand and say that the positive are weighing everything out. Is it possible that he can just not see this right now? He did say things to me that were so mean that I know he is in a really bad place. but I know him and I don’t think he will be feeling better off alone. I was just there two weeks ago and he was much better and after I left things have gotten to where they are now.
I completely understand you when you say you feel like the situation is too big for your brain to understand. Thats exactly how I feel a lot of the time.
But I believe that you have to do what you think its best for you, even if its going to be hard. At the end of the day you and your feelings should come first.
Wishing you the best!
just give her time and do not run after her ,it has to work both ways,good luck
I was in a relationship with my ex for a little over a year. I found out she had depression or thought she did really early in our relationship. She opened up to me quite a bit. I didn’t realize before we started dating the amount of baggage she had. She was 19 at the time and I was 24 but we both lived at home. Her parents, however, were really strict, overbearing, and highly judgmental with high expectations of her that were kind of impossible to meet. She introduced me to them and they immediately banned her from seeing me or talking to me. This was less than a month into our relationship. Needless ti says, we went through a lot from the very start but we always stuck together. I thought her depression was getting worse because her moods had gone down drastically, as well as her grades. Her home life was its usual up and down roller coaster and all of the added pressure of a committed relationship and the possibility of moving away from her family and friends overwhelmed her. A few days after our one year, she broke up with me. Told me she still loved me but didn’t feel the same in love feeling she always had. She said she saw me as a friend and wanted to figure things out on her own. I was heart broken and devastated but I allowed her the space and time she needed. It was HARD. We still talked and I could see when she’d hang with others and it would be upsetting and really difficult not to mention her lack of understanding how hard it was for me. About a month down that road, she said all her feelings came back full strength. We got back together and probably rushed that. Nothing in our lives had even changed and her plans for us had changed. It was our plan to move in together or at least start planning once we got to a year. That plan was out of the window and I handled that really badly. I ended things. And now I do kind of regret it. I moved away and I felt like I had no connection to her. Like my emotions for were frozen. She’d text and say she missed me and I would bring up therapy or dismiss her reaching out completely. I regret not letting her back in when she was reaching out. Recently, I found out that she was dating. She lied about it when I asked and we had a fight about it. She told me that she broke up with him because she still had feelings for me and she felt she rushed her new relationship. But during my spell of anger, I dug myself a pretty deep hole and told her way too much. Immediately after our fighting, she began to act withdrawn. I flew to see her and we had an amazing time. It felt natural. And we embraced and kissed and hugged like old times. But, when I flew back, she changed her tune, saying she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship, doesn’t know if we can have anything again, doesn’t know what she should feel, but knows that she loves and missss me and will always love and miss me. It’s confusing me. Now, she’s been saying she’s been feeling suicidal and needs space. Wants to be alone but wants to be friends while she works on herself. And I shouldn’t wait for her. So not only am I really worried about her well being but I’m also really sad about her conflicted feelings. Just a couple weeks ago, she was telling me she’s still in love with me. And now, it feels like I’ve pushed her away. I just wonder if what we are dealing with is the same as her previous break down when she broke up with me or is she just done feeling love for me in that way. It’s painful but I just really want her to be happy. When all is said and done, I know she can make it. And I’d love to be by her side of she’d have me. I just don’t know how to figure it out. How can I know what she feels if she doesn’t even know?
my bf has been struggling for 3 years with not knowing what he wanted to do for work. He went back to school (part time) and refuses to get a part time job. He looks at it as a waste since he would be going to a job he didnt like or had nothing with what he wants to do. We’ve fought several times regarding him finding a job and many times he would say hes not good enough, he cant support me, he loves me but i deserve better. After we made up he told me he was depressed. But I didnt take it seriously, I thought he was just sad because of the pressures surrounding us as a couple (from my friends and family). The last fight we had was the last straw for him. He told me he wanted to change the world – to live in a farm and self-sustain. I told him to be realistic especially since he refuses to do hard work. He was drunk at the time and I was getting very irritated and it just came out of my mouth. He was extremely mad and left.
Now I feel guilty. Guilty because I hadnt been sensitive about his depression. Is it depression? With a mix of laziness? I havent talked to him in a week. Should I message him?
I am depressed and this has created many problems in my relationship. He was what i wanted to be, happy, sociable with good mental health and i had faith that he would make me a better person and impart his strengths to me. However, many of his actions hit into my underlyong cause of depression, which was based on social anxiety. He sought help with me and was the one who pointed out my condition but eventually couldnt handle everything. My bf has broken up with me 3 months ago and i was devastated, having to deal with my own depression and the breakip depression. I was initially a drama queen after that and was suicidal and he cut me off. I started working on myself and have recenty initiated contact with him. I really want things to work out again but i dont know how to reattract him and get him to have faith. Help?? How do i talk to him and rekindle our love?
Reading all these stories makes me feel so deeply empathetic to all of you people, and I hope that someday you guys will happy.
I was with my girlfriend for nearly a year it had felt like 5 after the amount of stuff we went through together. I knew she’d dealt with stints of depression in her past, when I first met her she was going through a good stint in her life. I’d met my bestfriend and fallen in love with her. About 10 months later, I started to see some changes in her, She wasn’t eating well, her head was a mess. A month later out of nowhere, she turns up and says we need to talk, she said she loved me but couldn’t do this anymore. We never argued, I did nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong. She didn’t want to drag me into it anymore than she had, (She hadn’t) She wanted to be alone through this, and with that she broke up with me. I have some close friends, where one of them suffered with severe depression and they got through it. I thought that my relationship would end up like that. But I was wrong. Over the next 2 months I honestly didn’t know what to do. We ended on good terms, and i would still see her about every week in college. I was a complete mess. Aswel as losing the relationship I’d lost my bestfriend. 2 months after I opened up to her about how I felt about the relationship ended, and said I still loved her and if she didnt love me this way not to spare my feelings. She said she begun to feel a bit better but still stuck by her decision. I dont know what I expected, I thought she’d come back I really did. Its 4 months down the line and I’m still not over her. She goes through my mind constantly. The one thing for me which is hard to understand, (btw I have never had depression so dont know the feeling) How can you shut off deep feelings you had for a person? I’m trying to move on, Every week I start off by saying come on you can do this but it always ends in a mess. I also have been somewhat shut out by all of our mutual friends we had together. So I don’t have many people to talk to, I just want to move on but I can’t. If anyone has gone through something similar I’d love some advice.
Rebecca.
I don’t know if my actions or my thoughts will help but for me personally, I did research. Almost immediately. The idea of “If I can’t love her as a love, I will love her as a friend” immediately popped up for me, not that it’s easy nor am I completely removed of all romantic feelings (the contrary, really). When I found my ex had severe depression I dove into research. Went to support groups, read dozens of articles, read up on research and alternative medicines and treatments. I did as much as I could as someone who has no idea what it’s like to have depression. It’s been six months since my ex and I stopped dating. In the last six months she’s told me that she wanted to start over. Build a friendship from the ground-up and if something is there, we can start a relationship again. Overall, our interactions have been getting better (although still fluctuating a lot) but I believe she goes through many sad turbulent nights. I loved her. And because I loved her and still love her I know that all this romantic shit, all these feelings can be put aside. Because I care about her so much, I just want to focus on her happiness. Her comfortableness. Her health, both physically and mentally. After a certain point, you really have to ask yourself: Do you want the relationship or do you want them to be happy? Maybe at some point the two questions can have the same outcome of an answer. Maybe not. Only you can be the judge of that, and can know what you want really want for yourself and your ex.
Thank you so much for this website and the amazing articles. I’ve read everything here, including all the comments and I feel less alone in what I’m going through.
I was very happily married until my husband suffered a severe and debilitating bout of depression in late November. My husband is my world, my soulmate, the only person I’ve truly loved and he felt the same about me. We never even had an argument, it was amazing. He suddenly said he wanted to end our marriage and left. He told me to move out as it was his house, well I was left reeling. I just cried and cried, couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep or eat. To be honest I’m still not much better. My husband came home when he had his son , from a previous relationship, some weekends and I took that time to show him I still loved him, I took care of him and we continued our relationship, including sexually. He did continue to ask when I was moving out, but I kept delaying, trying to make my marriage work.
Then I found out he was having an affair. I contacted the woman and he went ballistic. The police were involved and I became very frightened. I left our home due to concerns over my safety a few days ago. I feel like that was the worst possible thing to do now, I should have stayed and supported him. Now I have no contact with him. I’ve emailed and had no response, think he may have blocked me. I don’t think he will ever be in touch again. How can I make him see that he has to maintain some communication? I’m still his wife. Essentially, I’m here for the long run. I’m waiting it out and will be here when he is ready, but it’s killing me. I’m not eating or sleeping. I’m anxious and depressed myself now, so going to see a GP shortly. I want to let him know I haven’t given up on him and I’m waiting for him to feel better, but is that demeaning myself? It’s incredibly confusing and just so sad that this disease has stolen our happiness. Any advice is most welcome!
My perspective on this has changed massively in the last year. I would suggest visiting chumplady.com when you’re ready. He could be depressed, or he could be using it as an excuse. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Are you okay with being treated this way?
Step back and look at your situation. Your husband is having an affair. This alone is a red flag or indication that he doesn’t respect you, especially since the affair seems to be ongoing.
You’re hurt but still have feelings for him. It’s understandable. But you need to take care of yourself right now and think about your survival rather than thinking about putting yourself on the line for him. If he’s depressed than he should seek professional help. If he truly wanted to work your marriage out he would end the affair.
I know it’s hard to see and think clearly when your world seems like it’s crumbling. But from the outside looking in, it appears that you’re neglecting yourself. You care more about his well being and yet you’re not seeing that he is toxic for you right now.
Please be kind to yourself.
I now this post has to be about partners but I have a real dilemma about my daughter. She is suffering from depression, is in USA studying masters, and I am in Asia. We are very close knit family, no history of abuse or neglect, she had a beautiful loving close family and extended family. She has been away from home since 6 years. First for undergraduate and then masters. But she has been coming home every vacation, thrice a year. I never knew she is ill. In 2 nd UG year she didnt do well, and 3rd year she failed one subject. We were upset thinking she is not working hard and were very vocal about it. After a six month internship in home country but in different city, she was home for 6 months and I sensed that she had become more recluse, will not want company, remain solitary for two days in a raw, followed by period of normality.
During this time I also realised, she has had 3 or 4 boy friends in succession and was physically involved, couple of them one night stand, was drinking heavily on weekends and was doing weed on a regular basis. She decided to do masters in USA, though sceptical I let her go thinking that higher studies and a good profession can bring her some purpose.
After first six months, she fell in love with a boy, very very seriously. Both love each other with a passion I have read only in books. After one outing they fought bitterly, and I got a phone call at mid of the night, with her sobbing inconsolably, she told me that he is breaking up with her . We laughed and told her its ok. He is angry and if he is unreasonable, then it is for good. They were fine again but then on this started happening every week. At every instant the boy threatens to break up, she gets hysterical, she used to go stand outside his apartment and cry and keep calling him, she would tell him sorry 100 times will keep repeating ” I am sorry”, ” Please don’t do this” “Please don’t leave” ‘No No, don’t ” I have heard her doing this over and over, I would get very upset, get angry at her, hold her in my arm, cry with her, try to get her attention somewhere else, but nothing worked. After every fight, this boy would still talk to her saying he is leaving her but she should take care of herself. He would show lot of concern but his decision would be final, only for that day. Next day they would be back again. I think he is traumatising her. He is the cause for her madness. I try telling my daughter to break up with him but she doesn’t listen. Now he is the centre of her life. Me, her father, her sibling, no one matters to her. Yet she still has same kind of events playing up. At times she calls us up saying please get me out of this relationship. But yet the next day they are together. The boy takes very good care of her otherwise, goes out of his way to help her but according to him she is not truthful and goes back on her promise whatever that means”
She is also diagnosed having depression, is on medication, but she is not better. She is struggling in studies, which after a lot of struggles, has completed this week, but is under very severe stress of getting a job. She recently told me she feels so low that she has hurt herself. She herself is scared of her mental weakness but yet is s dependant on this boy emotionally that she is moving in with him. I am dreading what will become of her once she does that. I am so pained seeing my daughter turned thus. Can anyone help me out please.
I am depressed. I have had a very unhealthy childhood which has impacted on my adulthood. I have 3 gorgeous children who mean the world to me. My husband is cold, aloof, everything has to be his way. I found out when I was pregnant with our twins that he was sleeping with other women when we started dating. He never told me we weren’t exclusive. He introduced me as his girlfriend- I had no idea. He only stopped because I fell pregnant with our first child. His friends often used to say in front of me that he likes sleeping around when he goes away on work trips. As a running joke. I told him to get them to stop if it was a cruel joke or to leave if that’s what he really does. I live in constant fear I will find out he is not the man I believe him to be. I know my depression would be triggered by many things in my life but the main source is me reliving the moment my bubble burst. He doesn’t see that his actions, his dishonesty destroyed the foundation of our relationship. He hasn’t tried to make up for it. I feel alone, unloved and now depressed because I can’t trust him. I am depressed because I feel trapped- I cant support 3 small kids by myself. We hardly are intimate- his choice not mine and he is a selfish lover. I can’t fix myself because I am being dragged down. He does not see me as his equal. He tells me I don’t work hard enough. I work 2 days a week and run my own business from home, raise 3 children, cook all meals, am primary carer for the kids tending to their emotional, physical needs. We live in Asia where there is a lot of prostitution and women who will wreck a marriage for money. Most people tell me I am super woman- 3 children under 4 a business, a part time job. Not my husband. This constant attempt to prove I am worth something, is destroying me. I am desperately sad and alone.
Hi. I am in the middle of a really difficult situation. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 4 years now. When I first met him, we were 14 and in high school. He was a happy, fun loving guy with so much ambition and drive. When we first moved into our apartment in January, he was thrilled, still the same guy. Now mind you, his mother has never been a fan of our relationship, always being condescending, blaming him for spending time with me, giving him guilt for moving in… She seems to disapprove entirely even to the point of sacrificing his own happiness. This has always been straining, and I’m not sure if this is the cause… but it’s important.
On Wednesday he was diagnosed with Moderate Depression and the doctor recommended anti-depressants in which he has started. It was really shock to me that after months of convincing him to go in, he was really that sick. I almost dragged him to the clinic when suddenly, I began to see his bones. His ribs, the bones in his legs, everything. His appetite has ceased to little and he has trouble sleeping. Were in college and he tries to go to class but it doesn’t work out, he always over sleeps or refuses to go simply because he is too sad.
It’s so complicated. He’s trying to get a job change because his job is making him do crazy things like closing (12 am) on weekdays where his first class starts at 9 am. I feel bad because I pressure him to keep maintaining an income (we cannot afford our place without it) but he’s barely scraping by. He’s tired looking for other jobs that buy the same or higher but it’s so screwed with his availability that comes with college.
I feel horrible but I just get dragged down with him. I try so hard to make him happy but with no avail. He’ll act crazy, waking up in the middle of the night and starting fights with me. Accusing me of making things worse when I explain how sad I am. He doesn’t do ANY CHORES which puts a huge burden on me but rather plays video games in his free time. I try to bring him to the gym so he can feel better and put on muscle but he shames me for making him feel unhappy every time I do. “He doesn’t wanna go.” But he doesn’t wanna do anything…
Honestly I am so close to calling it quits I am loosing my head. This is my man, that I love, that I wanna marry, being torn apart. As a Psych major I understand what is going on but I don’t know what to do. It’s so different having the depressed person be the most important thing in your life. The man I love is deeply sad and reduced to skin and bones and I’m so lost.
Hi there,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. However recently she has told me that she wants a break. She doesn’t want to break up but rather a break form the emotions tied with our relationship. So here’s the back story. She moved from a big city to a smaller city away from her mom. She is dealing with abandonment issues since her dad left her and her mom and he was an alcoholic. She does have family in the smaller city she moved to. But, the family barely talks to her. She feels alone and is becoming depressed again. Lately, I have noticed a change in her and when I bring it up all she can say is ‘I don’t know” this has caused a lot of tension between us. Last night we finally talked it out. She told me that she has suffered with depression for a while and this time is the worst. She said that its not the relationship that is the problem its everything else such as work and being away from family. I told her that I love her and I support her. She decided to seek professional help. What scares me the most is that I bought an engagement ring and planned a destination proposal for next month. I asked her if she still loves me and she said yes, but the fact that she said she wants a break is causing me to question whether or not to propose. Since the vacation cannot be cancelled now I am at a loss. But more importantly I want to help her get over this boulder in the road, but I don’t know what to say and what not to say. This is my first time experiencing someone with depression and I am desperately in need of advice.
dont ask her to marry you yet,it will put her totally off you,support her for now
My ex and I were together for four years. The relationship was near perfect. He has been suffering in silence with mental problems (depression) and irrationally broke up with me six months ago, completely out of the blue; after two days he came back and I gave him another chance.
Six months on, he broke up with me again (now two weeks ago); he has been contacting me over the past few days and we met today. In short, he wants me back, he is deeply in love with me and our two week separation has caused him to seek mental help (he now attends counselling and has been diagnosed with depression) and desperately wants to move forward, work at getting back together and really try to fix our previous issues.
The problem is he has broke my heart twice now. All my friends and family tell me not to, but I cant explain to them the real deep reasons behind our break-ups, I feel like they feel it will happen again. Do I get back with him now he is seeking help, but risk real heartbreak for a third time? Or power through and continue on with the break-up? Does anybody have a similar situation that they can lend me advice from?
Hi Sally, I can really relate to your situation. I hope it has improved for you one way or the other. My ex and I were together for eight years. Slowly but steadily, he became depressed too. And now I hardly even recognize him anymore. We broke up three months ago but unfortunately, are still living together. This makes it even harder. He doesn’t want to break up but I feel I need to if I want to remain sane. i have put myself second for so long now and he just does what he likes and then always lures me back in. To be honest, we have broken up a couple of times before and started over. Each time, he promised he’d get better, he’d treat me better, or even seek help. But nothing has changed. And still, the thought of really letting him go rips me apart. I still have this powerful sense of belonging. But as I’ve learned painfully those last few years, nothing ever changes. When it comes to my ex, he changed only temporarily and only as much as he needed to make me stay. And then he’d do or say horrible things again. He took me for granted all this time and now I feel drained and empty and honestly like a shell of any former self. I feel trapped in between this relationship and letting go, which seems to be the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Wow it’s like you have ever written my exact relationship down just herealized. I was with my partner 7 years I think he always struggled with his emotions but chose not to deal with them. We had some great times but also very bad he would just do what he pleased spoke to me badly and in the 7th year started using drugs which turned it into the end for us as his emotions went through the roof and he would leave home for days at a time. I had to leave as I could feel my own self getting into a deep depression I begged him to get his life together as I desperately wanted us to work only 8 months later as I gave up hope and started seeing someone else but still missed him a lot did he start working and getting his crap together. He now has a new partner also and I still have a crippled heart with how I miss him but somehow he still manages to say we would never work because I had gone of with someone new he still can’t accept the part he played in all this. So how have you got on have you moved on? It’s been almost a year for me now and I am only some days feeling more positive. It’s crazy how we forget the bad things once the person isn’t around when some days I need to sit and remind myself of how often he had me in tears. I feel so hurt that he couldn’t get himself together to help our relationship I tried to help bit there is only so much that can be done before you bring your own mental health at risk. I hope things have got better for you. Would love to hear from you
Hi
My wife of ten years and I split up approx 4 months ago, there was no particular reason for the split apart from her being unhappy. Since then my wife has pushed and pulled at me, from trying to screw me for as much money as she can, to spending nights at my apartment with the kids (no intamacy), she is on antidepressants and seeing a councillor! She would get very cross at the thought of me being with another woman (there is no woman) but would lead me to believe she had another man. She I’m assuming made excuses to come and see me by saying someone was breaking in the house, and also using panic attacks, its fairly obvious that she still has feelings for me, but my question is would depression and being on antidepressants make her act in this way?
Hi I know this is a late reply and I hope things are better by now for you but I was on anti depressants at a fee times in my life and they helped but the last time they made me worse almost felt crazy my emotions and anxiety went through the roof I felt alone I felt needy I put pressure on my new partner. I almost felt not I control of my emotions and wanTed to cry everyday. I did research on the pills I was on an decided myself I was going to wean of them I am fully off them now and things are getting better I chose to deal with my problems rather than masking with medication and for my situation it has been a good choice. It hasn’t been easy etheir I found dead it hard to explain to my partner why I was acting the way I was and I would spin out at him if he wasn’t there for me how I wanted at all times which I can now see isn’t healthy. Hang in there because there is a chance the pills are effecting her badly and coming off them is a Rollercoaster. Her pretending she has a man in an opinion from a female is needing your attention but when you haven’t experienced anxiety panic attacks or depression your self it probably seems as if we are over reacting or being drama queens. I alook know the pain is real and it’s deep it like an a he in your chest that you feel is never going to leave and some days you have no real reason for that feeling. I hope this has helped you if your still going through this tough time good luck
I’ve been seeing a guy I met a few months ago and finally for the first time in a long time I was waking up with a great big smile on my face because I’d met an amazing person who treated me with warmth and kindness.
My heart would flutter every time he text me!
He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was on cloud 9.
Flask forward a few weeks I’m now single.
He started to become cold and non responsive. He was negative and everything was exhausting to him. He was waking up every day in a funk and no amount of positivity on my part was shifting his mood. When he saw me…. It was like he wasn’t really there. I cried and told him I felt helpless not knowing how to make it better. He told me he felt down and only he could shake the mood. I begged him not to shut me out and he promised he wouldn’t.
The next time I saw him he stayed for 10 minutes to tell me it was over. He was too depressed to be in a happy relationship, he was done and nothing I could do or say would change his mind. He admitted he’d suffered with depression previously alongside having anxiety attacks. He’s been on medication and seen a councillor…. None of this did I know until it was too late. He says he needs to get better and needs to let me go.
I’m beyond devestated. I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails or the rug pulled out from under my feet.
I didn’t get a say and there was nothing I could do, his mind has been made up. I kept hoping he’d change his mind but no.
I honestly feel blindsided and cheated out of out chance at happiness. How do I move forward?
Hey SimplyLost,
This same situation happened to me, except I was with her for 3+ years and I tried my best to help her in any way I could which proved to slowly drag me down and her leaving, saying she couldn’t bare to see me this way and she needs to get better and I need to move on.
This is so heartbreaking, I’m so sorry for what has happened to you.
I went through exact same situation.. I dated my bf for one year and we broke up 3 times nd today we ended up everything.. he’s feeling so down and asked me to move on with my life..it’s so difficult situation..I’m so devastated too..
Last year i got diagnosed with depression and im recovering quite good.the thing with depression in my experience is that the sufferer has no mental capacity to contemplate how his or her actions may affect anyone else. The brains ability to do so is severely thwarted…a person can only think of his immediate needs and concerns…that doesnt excuse immoral behaviour like lying, infidelity and stuff…but it does cause confusion, irritability, and the worst thing i think is the INDECISIVENESS, iv just lost my boyfriend because of my sudden bursts of confusion and wanting to breakup with him for no reason…i can hardly understand my own mind…im so ashamed and as my mind heals and gets back to normal everyday the more i regret dumping him…it hurts so much…
Mimi, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know the feelings all too well. I struggle with the balance between accepting that each person can decide for himself or herself what they’re willing to accept in life versus the expectation of a permanent commitment with someone. It’s not fair for me to judge my ex for no longer being willing to deal with me and my illness and yet at the same time it’s not fair that I trusted and loved her and then lost her due to influences out of my control. I feel like I’m being eaten alive from the inside out – she was my safe place after years of suffering, and though I still had trauma I was working through, I thought she’d be there until the end. But she wasn’t.
It’s so hard to respond to these comments without starting in on my own parade of regrets and pains. I don’t mean to hijack, only to let you know that there are others in the world dealing with similar issues. I wish you all the best.
Hi there,
I have been dating a man for almost 1 year exactly. I always thought something was wrong with him, but I just thought that he was lazy and no confidence. After a very rocky 11 months, I found out he was diagnosed with depression in 2011. He has kept this from me our entire relationship. I understand this is something difficult to communicate, and he was afraid that he would loose me.
At this point in our relationship I am beginning to feel like he has sucked the life out of me. His drinking, lies, lack of motivation, anger (mostly name calling), absence, and not being able to be a true partner has completely pushed me away.
The issue is, I do truly care for this man. There is a lot of potential in us. However, I know he needs to get better before we can ever be together for real. I don’t want to cause him any more hurt. He deals with severe abandonment issues (his mother left him when he was a baby). Part of him being so sick is because he is terrified to loose me. He has said over and over again that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and I’m the woman of his dreams. He has been locked in his room vomiting the past 2 days because of this depression, and his nerves are a mess. He knew he messed up because we were at a party, he drank, got weird, and left me at a party. He’s avoiding apologizing, and wants me to feel sorry for him at this point, so I don’t get angry or upset.
I know I need to let him go. For the both of us. Being together causes me so much pain, and I’m beginning to feel like it’s making his depression worse.
Any advice would be so appreciated!
I am that man that’s done this to my partner of 3 years and she left me.
What tipped me over the edge was work and I would do the same with the name calling and leaving blaming all of it.
I didn’t know or understand what depression was but now I have a better understanding I realise this has been building for about 5 years.
I never wanted to lose her as she also was the woman of my dreams and never meant to push her away she was my sidekick.
As males we tend to bottle things up because we feel we need to have everything under control then one day we explode on the ones closest to us.
It breaks my heart and her leaving has only compounded on my depression I’m in a darker place than I was.
I realise I have to take responsibility for the damaged I caused so I’ve started to get help.
I would do anything to get her back but realise I have to fix myself before anything and if it’s true love it will find it’s way.
I would of loved her staying and helping me through it because we both know that’s not me and what our relationship could be but it was just too much for her and I caused too much damage and I know she needs to heal.
You need to tell him what’s happening to you what’s happening to the relationship men are dumb and when depressed blinded we need you to spell it out in big capital letters go get help with him maybe.
Hope it gets better
Hi everyone, no one has posted on here for a bit but I just want to get my concerns out in the open and hopefully get some opinions.
Yesterday I made a decision mainly out of anger, although I have been thinking about it lately anyway, to split up with my boyfriend of 5 months, he’s depressed due to having severe money issues but has made the situation worse by suddenly coming off his anti-depressants. Our relationship has been on off during this short period. Most recently he ignored me for weeks and his only reason was he didn’t want to admit to me quite how bad his money problems had become. I feel so isolated from him, he says I can see him then last minute changes the plans or just ignores me so he doesn’t even have to explain it. This is what happened last night, I was meant to be going to see him but instead he ignored my texts and left me in the lurch yet again. I’d also seen he’d been online on a messaging app we sometimes use at the same time I’d text him so I know he’d been using his phone and had seen my texts, this made me snap. It’s happened so many times and I just thought you know what, I deserve better than to feel alone in my relationship, so yes I did it by text, not a good move I know but I haven’t seen him in two weeks as it is and I’m not certain I’d see him again as he cuts me off. My emotions have been so up and down lately, it’s been effecting my day to day life, if he’s speaking to me then I’m happy and I talk to people but if he’s not then I feel I almost mirror his behavior at times and cut myself off from everyone too. My friends tell me he’s not worth bothering with because the way he’s treated me, that I’ve not been in a relationship with him long enough to feel responsible for him and guilty for walking away. But I do. I love him so much and feel so powerless, I’ve tried talking about how I feel but he wouldn’t even let me talk. The first three months were amazing, he made me so happy and I think I made him happy too, we had a couple of ups and downs then but not due to his depression. Ever since those weeks when he ignored me things haven’t been the same at all, he’d still speak of the future when he was in a good mood so I kept hold of the hope I had. At the moment I keep thinking of all the good times we had, then I remember all the bad and I just can’t work out in my head whether I’ve made a big mistake or whether I was right to walk away.
I guess what I want are other peoples opinions, have I done the worst thing possible to him by adding to his depression and leaving him? He didn’t seem to want me though, hardly ever wanted to see me, is that the depression though? I care so much about him and not having those feelings returned reminded me of my relationship previous to this one where I was made to feel unwanted so I feared it was happening again and said I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. I’m scared of a relationship with him, I’m scared I won’t ever see the man I fell in love with again. Should I message him and apologize? Should I leave him alone? Perhaps he just didn’t want me and I’m blaming his depression to make it feel a little less painful. I’m certain time isn’t going to bring clarity…
I appreciate any replies I may get, thank you.
Hi Laura, it sounds like you are going through a similar situation as me.
I recently split with my girlfriend after 6 years, the last 3 years she has had various episodes of depression, anxiety and anorexia. The hardest thing is watching someone you love so much drift away, your words just don’t get through, they are oblivious to the damage they cause until it’s too late and you can’t place blame on them for that.
In my case 2 months after we broke up I bumped into my ex and she looked and sounded much healthier, we chatted about what happened and one sentence she said stuck in my head – “it was you that fixed me by leaving me.” Such an odd thing to say but she explained, us breaking up put her in the deepest, darkest mental hole possible and she’s still here, in fact she’s getting better. In her words “you leaving me was the worst thing that could have happened, and I didn’t die. All of sudden everything else didn’t seem so life and death, so what is there to be anxious or depressed about?”
Hearing that has really got to me, it meant that if we had stayed together she would never have had that trigger to then get past the illnesses, so therefore would never have recovered – I was always fighting a losing battle to be with her and us be without the illness. But at the same time for 3 years all I’ve wanted was her to be back to the real her, the woman I bumped into was the woman we tried so hard to find again. I am genuinely happy for her because I known the struggle she has gone through but to know I can’t share that positivity with her after everything and that this needed to happen will never leave my mind.
I hope in some way this helps, my message to you is that sometimes you have to let the ones you love go to give them their own chance to take their course to happiness. It’s a painful, selfless act that I didn’t want to do and I’m sure you didn’t either.
Thank you for your reply Brendan, I must admit it bought me to tears though.
I’m so glad for you that you got to see her again because I can imagine you felt the same as I do at the moment. I’m always wondering if he’s ok and really hoping he is. That app I mentioned where it shows if he’s been online is my only comfort even though I know it’s a bit odd that I’m checking up on him! If I see he hasn’t been online for over a day I worry though so I’m not sure it’s really a good thing. I’ve gone to text him so many times but I just didn’t know what to say and I know it’s not fair for me to bother him after I walked away. I keep telling myself that I can’t have been the person he needed in his life if I couldn’t find a way to help him or if he didn’t feel able to speak to me so your message did help as I just want the best for him, it’s helped me see the potential positive in what I did so thank you. I just feel like I won’t be able to let go until I know for sure what I did was the right thing so I really hope I bump into him out and about sometime in the future too. What makes it even harder is that no one understands how I feel as no one understood what I saw in him in the first place so they certainly don’t after the way he treated me even though I knew it was the depression they just thought I was making excuses for him which made me doubt myself. It’s been great to hear from someone who knows how I feel, thanks again for taking the time to reply to me. All the best to you.
Laura, I’d like to tell you about my situation. My partner and I have been together for 3 and half years. During that time, she has shown and told me in almost every conceivable way possible of how much I mean to her … and I just didn’t get it. I didn’t feel it because I didn’t feel love … and that’s because of many things that have happened to me through the years and in my childhood. I have been diagnosed with depression. It ruined my last marriage and family … I ruined it. I have been angry and thinking that, when she’s trying to tell me how she feels with some hurts, I have taken it personally and allowed myself – my little kid self – to react in ways that shut her down. Her jealousy issues were very difficult to deal with, but I realise now that I could have responded differently to being angry at her. She has broken up with me for the seventh time … I don’t think that breaking up is the thing to do. I found it incredibly difficult, and each time built up resentment … but I’d been building resentment in her for the way I’d been slamming her down. Now, a better thing to do would have been to let me know she wasn’t breaking up with me, to tell me she couldn’t deal with the way I am, and to vacate the house and love from a distance … but to not break up because this just adds to the damage. I have been incredibly blessed … she has gone against everybody else’s wishes for her and told me that she won’t be breaking up with me, but she also won’t be coming home until she is able to trust that I will be more careful with her emotions. You see, I realise now … I hadn’t been liking her … resentment … and I have been hurting her so much because she just wanted me to be ‘her friend’, to show care for her feelings. I had no empathy. I need to develop this … and it’s a long road. She’s going to be seeing me once a week when we are now going to CoDA group to follow the 12 step program … I am not totally to blame … we are human … but I do have a responsibility to not lose my temper. You see, she places herself in a vulnerable position when she’s trying to tell me something that’s on her mind … and even if I feel she’s misunderstood or it presses a button in me, I have no right to attack her when she’s reaching out to me … that anger I have is from unresolved childhood events. I need to just listen and try to empathise … and if she wants a response from me, she’ll ask. This is not easy for me because I have not learned these skills. I have accepted now, I am a co-dependent … and she is also. All of us on here are co-dependents. Books explain that, in order to get better, we need to leave the relationship … no, I don’t agree at all … that just creates more pain and you lose completely. Both of the couples need to do the 12 Step Program for CoDA. One needs to truly look at oneself. You need to work together on this. My partner does not want to be without me, but at the moment she can’t trust the situation, and as painful as it is, I understand. But now I have a goal … to be proactive, to recognise I have an illness, to go through the long process of making it a natural part of my being to see her as my friend, to be concerned for her feelings, to learn empathy and communication / social skills, to take ownership of the damage I’ve caused, to follow an anger management program … these are the things that will change me … and this is what my partner desperately needs from me … and I need her patience and support, and it would be really helpful for her to learn some of these skills and to acknowledge to herself any damage she may have caused me (I don’t need to be told about them). Commitment is what’s needed. Leave but don’t break up … actively work with your partner … if he / she simply does not want to, then I think that’s definitely time to realise that you are the only willing partner. But he / she may not want to because you may not have suggested the right program … or even suggested that you’ll follow the program too … I think everyone here needs to. I love my partner dearly, and have only just internalised how much she loves me and wants to grow old with me … and I’m determined to take charge of things about me … I am learning to become the guardian of my little self, so that I can also learn to reassure my little self whenever he becomes scared and wants to ‘fight’ the perceived threat … he doesn’t have to any longer … and we can all do this. Follow the 12 step program within a CoDA group, learn empathy skills, reassure your partner that, even from a distance, you’ll still be there with him / her, and go through the programs with them … they became that way, and they therefore can become who they were. The relationship, I know, won’t be the same, I believe it will be much more mature and healthy for love to flourish … but on a daily basis, we must all continue to follow the programs, for it to become a way of life … and that’s a real challenge because everything in us will want to fool us and prevent us from looking at ourselves, to fall into the blame game. You can do it … and as painful as it is, I can too. I love my partner so much, and am so sorry for not having cared for her, and I can’t thank her enough for not giving up, as much as she fights the urge to give up. Love to you all … don’t let your partner go!
Kevin – still around? How are things now with your partner? I’m not giving up on my “partner”. He never said “break up” – he just moved in with his mom. But texts me daily. And only talks to me about his depression. I don’t want to give up at all, but his mixed messages are so hard to deal with. I’m sick daily. Reach out if you are still around.
I hope someone reads this and provides some words of wisdom in the situation I am being faced with. I met my girl friend over a year and half ago. We instantly connected and were inseparable. We enjoyed each others company even if it included doing nothing at all. She always told me she had depression and I felt like I understood it myself because I experienced a bout of it with a break-up that I went to EMDR counseling and finally felt a bit whole again.
She had alcoholism in her family, abandonment, and now a few family crisis that have really pulled the depression to the fore front. She seems to have severe co-dependency issues when it comes to particular family members and she now believes she has that with me as well. We have fought over the same thing, the time she focuses on her family and last minute change up to the little time we have to spend together. She feels that I am not sensitive to the concerns and crisis she has gone through but never viewed our relationship as a primary source of support or help with decision making. We lived together until 3 days ago and she has been threatening to walk out on me for about a year since the depression starting surfacing.
It is so hurtful and I am feeling panicked and abandoned. The first night apart was on my birthday and I had such terrible anxiety over the whole situation. I know I have tried her patience on being understanding with my emotions that I am going through but from what I have read fleeing the relationship to work on the depression may not be the best option.
I am willing to be patient and willing to pick up the slack and she has shoved me to the side. She questions marriage, she questions wanting to remain in a relationship with me because I am a woman, she questions trusting me, or even want to see me. I don’t know if it is the depression that makes her feel indecisive or what but I am at a loss.
I would welcome any advice and how to be strong and still fight for what seems to be slipping through our fingers.
Hi there, I hope you are all doing well. My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. We are in a semi long distant relationship but get to see each other almost every week. Mid way through last year my gf started to change, her moods tended to be more negative and she thought she was depressed. I initially didn’t think so and wasn’t too supportive but I did advice her to consult a professional. A month after she thought she was depressed we got into a big fight and during the fight she became violent and started blaming me for everything going wrong in her life. After that fight she set up sessions with a psychologist and was diagnosed with mild depression. I started supporting her but truthfully I was still angry at a lot of things that had occurred prior which could be attributed to the depression (her being violent for example). Needless to say time went on, she changed psychologists and medications but things only got worse. During fights I would get blamed from a wide range of things and would feel like things are actually my fault only for her to say a couple days later that I was right and she is sorry. The relationship has got to the point whereby I feel that for us to continue being in it I am the one who has to swallow my pride, be rational and try ‘fix’ the problems. Just recently she admitted to myself, the psychologists and her family that she has had suicidal thoughts. She also admitted to me that if I were to break up with her she doesn’t know how she will cope because I am her support system and she admires me. I don’t know what to do. I feel so tired being the support system, having to make quick fixes after fights even though they don’t last and feeling so alone in the relationship. I know the depression has some part to play in all of this but I’m starting to wonder if what she is saying is true about me. When she shouts at me and says that I shouldn’t try fix the relationship and learn from the fights, maybe she is right. I’ve been thinking about ending the relationship for months now, but am I being weak? Am I being selfish? Can I end it knowing that she might be suicidal? And being her support system wouldn’t that devistate her? Would I regret my choice? So many questions. And at times the gf I love comes back, she plans the future with me and we laugh. There are some good times. Are those good times ruined by my contempt because of the pain experienced? Should I get over my petty issues? Will that help the relationship? Am I the one to blame for all of this? I think I have internalised a lot and could use some help.
Hi Maurice,
I hope you are well too. I am no expert, but I have experience with being in a relationship with a partner who has bipolar and depression. I understand how confusing it can become when you don’t know whether to leave or stay and be supportive. When the few great times that you have with your partner are worth holding on to. Whether you should blame the depression or the loved one. It gets even more complicated when you love them deeply.
A respondent on this thread said to one of the people that posted their story that if you indeed choose to stay in the relationship, it will be a long road that will test you in ways unimaginable. Because relationships are hard as they are. When you throw in depression, it becomes a whole different dynamic. I read in another community similar to this, a person suffering with depression said that it is unrealistic to expect to have a healthy relationship with a person with mental illness. Putting aside how much you love them, or the idealistic ideas you may have about the two of you, regardless of the few great times that you share when they are feeling fine. Those were his words though, not mine. Every time my depressive boyfriend is feeling low and depressed, when he pushes me away, he tells me to “Please take care of yourself..”
Please take care of yourself. And also consider the difficult points I just shared. They hurt me too. But in the end, only you can make the best decision.
I hope this helped. Be well.
Hi Maurice. I hope you’re well. You might find some insight in my post a few posts up from yours. Love to you and all
I don’t know how to think my boyfriend just broke up with me he said he stopped loving me months ago. Even though just a week ago saying he was so happy he had me that I’m the only good thing that happened in his life. He is going through some stuff right now which he doesn’t deserve but I feel as though over the year we’ve been together he’s always taken things out on me. I myself at times struggle with anxiety but I like to avoid negative thinking which isn’t what he does everything that comes out his mouth is negative most of the time when ever he feels stressed I listen to the point I can’t no more it gets to me it’s always about him and his problems he even worries about my little problems even though they don’t even bother me as much as him. I care I’ve supported him cause I’ve been there before but he is in denial about his depression when every symptoms points to his actions I’m to blame for everything and all the badness that has happened even though it has nothing to do with me. I try to comfort him and care and now he is more cold then ever before at least he would push me away then come back but now not even that he has been saying he doesn’t love me and is sure of it when just last week we got in a argument I left cause the cruel things he’d say to me I was in so much pain I began to hate him and I leave me text me a few hours checking up on me acting like all that didn’t happen and I don’t respond right away cause I’m so upset with him I respond a day later and want to know why he ignores problems when it involves my happiness and our relationship he ignores it and doesn’t respond I get upset by his lack of caring and respecting me I ask if he still wants to be with me and no response I feel he plays games then out of the blue he says yes he does want to be with me but now he broke up again with me last night when just the night before he cuddled me a hugged me when I had no affection from him in days and just an hour ago he finally spoke to me and said if I wanted to go to Starbucks I said no and said he get ma a drink what is up with his up and downs he says I don’t want to take the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me when he acts this way with me when he says he cares but doesn’t love me .. it hurts cause I care and love him so much. And I’ve stuck by him no matter what I’d anything I think he is hurt cause I texted after he texted me the day I left I said he is making me grow to hate him I’ve never said anything like that to him before but his constant blaming me and judging me is getting to me. I know I love him but I don’t like the ugly side of him the depression he also says I don’t give him freedom that I have to many problems and he blames me cause I have anxiety buy I honestly think he has it worse then me if something goes wrong it blames and says look at you are the one that had to take medication not me I don’t need it I just need to find a job and make this and this much money and I will be happy I’m sure of it. It’s all a cycle with him saying we have nothing in common even though when he’s in a good mood we have so much fun and laugh and joke I want that part of him again. I miss it. He is getting worse and he still won’t get help saying it’s something he can get over twice in the past he made to separate appointments to the doctor cause he was talking to me saying in text messages when I was visiting my family that he didn’t want to live I came back a day later he made an appointment and never went. He says he is sure of how he feels about me and that he probably never loved me. I know I’ve said some mean things myself but there is only so much I can take with him pointing out everything I do wrong and overly worrying about my own problems I’m not even really worried about it. He said one of the reason he broke up with me was cause I quit jobs but he already knows why cause of my day care issue and the schedule don’t work for my mom who is the one who watches over my son. But he just uses all that against me saying I make excuses and that’s part of why he doesn’t love me or what to be with me and also because I’m to care free so to say which he thinks I don’t care about nothing at all. Which isn’t true at all. I don’t know how to feel he said he wants to meet other people he says he sees to be with me for a shirt term but can’t see himself with me long term even though so many times he talked about having a baby with me and knowing he wanted to marry me but every time something negative happens in his life I get the blame and i get back to seeing the ugly part of him . I love him and care but he said just last night that he doesn’t love me he only cares for me and wants to break up but he will give me a month to figure thing out then I back move out. I don’t get it he goes from saying he doesn’t love me leave get out. To I care stay for a month. I do to know what to do anymore.
I took interest in a guy I had known for a few years not too long ago. He had never been in a relationship before, mostly because no one ever took interest in him. Things were going great, but every now and then he’d begin to doubt things. Eventually he decided to take a chance and push for a relationship. It was only the other week that we became official, I thought things were going great.
A week after being together, he decides to end it. His timing was really bad as well, we had been intimate just the day before. He also told me how he was happy with how everything had turned out. His family and friends were really nice, I put a lot of effort into making sure I spent time with him, even if it was hours of sitting on a train to and from his house.
When he broke it off, he was talking about how it wasn’t because of me, that it was because he needed to sort himself out and that he still felt broken and empty inside. Not only this, but now he believes that he is destined to be alone for the rest of his life, and this was his last chance of being with someone.
I completely and utterly adore him, and I want to help him. I know that his thinking patterns are completely messed up at the moment. He tried ignoring me because he feared that it may be awkward if we spoke, but I urged him to speak to me because it would hurt even more if I never spoke to him again. I want to believe he’ll come around, I’m trying everything to remind him how much he means to me, without accidentally pushing him away.
I don’t know what else to do, I miss him terribly.
Hello Paula,
I’m sorry to hear your story. A long time ago I was the guy in your story with the same debilitating thoughts, insecurity and self-esteem. Unfortunately you were a far better woman than my ex- She broke up with me over a text message and my depression spiralled even deeper.
Back then depression was messing with my behaviour. I did many things that I shouldn’t, and lost friends who were closest to my heart. I became fearful of intimacy. Somehow I believed that I was cursed to lead a lonely life away from the ones I loved.
Your boyfriend may be right to alienate you, because depressed people are capable of doing hurtful things that would irreparably damage the relationship. I understand that you love him and want to talk to him, but repeated reminders may make the situation worse. He may feel that he is obligated to speak to you, but his feelings of inadequacy may actually prevent him from doing so. Eventually his sense of guilt may further reinforce his belief that he does not deserve you.
Instead you could remain in contact with him without the pressure. For instance you could tell him that you are willing to lend a listening ear whenever he feels the need to, and you are just a phone call away. Or maybe you can tag some hilarious posts on his Facebook/social media to remind him that you are there and you care for him!
It’s not going to be easy on you- His recovery could take weeks, months or even years depending on his will and support from his friends and family members. Ultimately you need to decide if he is worth your time, and how deeply your love runs for him. I saw the strain on my mother’s eyes and heard her muffled cries when she cared for me during depression, and I must remind you that it is a long treacherous path ahead if you decide to care for him. But I believe that it is a life-changing experience that opens up your capacity to love.
Best wishes to you and your boyfriend!
It’s been 2weeks that me and my ex bf broke up(it feels like it’s been forever). He said he is depressed due to not having a job and he isn’t the same guy anymore. We’ve been in a relationship for almost a year, we were in a long distance relationship. I met him online then met him in person 6months after. We were very close,we communicate everyday. We planned on moving in together but all of that is gone. Yesterday I texted him that I miss him so much, and he replied that I deserve a better guy not him. He don’t want to hurt me anymore because of his illness and just wants me to move on. Back in january he broke up with me days before my birthday but on valentines day he sent me beautiful red roses. What’s confusing is that few days ago he told me he wants to marry me one day. Since the beginning of our relationship he told me I’m the one and wants to marry me. I don’t really know what’s going through his head, I told him yesterday that I don’t hate him for letting me walk away and wish him a better life ahead. I have told him before as well that I will support and will always be here for him. His depression is taking him over and I can’t help him anymore. I have to walk away for the sake of myself. I’m trying to get used to not having him text me everyday but I can’t help myself but stalk his facebook. It is really hard but all I can do is to forgive him and walk away.
Hi, I’ve never really posted on any sites like this before and I was wondering how your situation is now? Have you all gotten back together? Do you still speak? I’m going through the same situation but we just broke up about 3 weeks ago.
Hi Kaci, yes we are back together now. When I walked away the relationship I didn’t text him for days blocked him on facebook. And one day I sent a song through text I told him to listen to it. He then replied and told me he is gotten worse when I left and he realized he miss me so from then we started talking again. And now we are very happy having each other as support system. We are still in long distance relationship,yes it is very hard but we tell each other that we can make it. My advice to you is that, try to distance yourself from your ex dont message him focus on yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve better that’s how I cope with it. Plan on something like go for a vacation,show him you are okay. (‘Cause that’s what I did). He might realize and will miss you. But don’t forget to takecare of yourself.
That is incredibly good news! How are the 2 of you now? Would you happen to still remember when you sent the song? (like a month after no contact? 2 months?) What kind of song was it? It’s been almost a month since my depressed ex bf broke up with me, and I feel like dying…
Great news!
Also – HopelessChick, any updates yourself? I’m 2 1/2 weeks in from our “whatever you want to call it” as never said break up. But he’s now staying at his moms.
Hi,me and my boyfriend broke up because he had depression but he seems to be much happier from what I have seen. His friends tell me he is happy also. However I spoke to him today after a while of not speaking and was asking him how he was and he told me that his uncle had two tumours in his brain. He must not be telling people the full story. I couldn’t imagine him being happy when this is going on. When we text, its very dry. He would barely reply even though he is active on Facebook. He seems to socialize with others also. I don’t know what to be thinking. Is he pushing me away, is it personal? We never had any problems we always loved each other. When I noticed signs of depression I had tried many times for him to go see his gp but wouldn’t listen. He refused to say he had a mental illness. I asked if I could stay for a couple of days but he wasn’t having it. Eventually he had has enough saying things like we want different things and that I am only trying to help myself.I told him I would still support him but he told me to try to move on and that it could be a mistake but he feels this way now. Can you give me your opinion?
Hi Tara, your story is very similar to what I am going through right now. It’s heartbreaking. How are you getting on now? X
I need some advice please. My ex of 3 years broke up with me 7 months ago as neither of us had been happy for a long time. Its not until after the relationship that I first really heard about what depression is and it explained a hell of a lot of how I’ve been thinking and feeling for some time. I’m seeking help at the moment and am genuinely starting to get my head right and my life on track. My ex and I have never discussed depression and I doubt she has any comprehension how difficult things were for me during the last 6 months of our relationship. I truly would have been absolutely terrible to be around and know this is what ended our relationship.
I want to know that now I have begun to understand myself and get through things, is it selfish of me to go back to her now and try to explain what I’ve been going through as an explanation as to why I was the way I was. She sounds like she doing really well and is a lot happier than the last few months of our relationship. For me, trying to explain these things to her means some closure and her I think will really help me forgive myself and move on but don’t think its really fair that I unload on her when shes doing so well.
Help!?
KS, you story mirrors mine. My ex ended it a week after you wrote, we’d also been unhappy for some time. Its only after I realised it was my depression which had caused my behaviour and I can see now that was Toxic for her and our kids (her two and my one). I know my behaviour ended it. It also realised that I’d been depressed for the whole 2 years, evidenced by my total lack of sex drive for 14 months….I’m gutted. I loved her completely and feel ambushed and sabotaged by this horror illness that has decimated my life and made the woman I love, hate me and want to ignore me…
She has met someone else within 3 weeks of us ending and is completely NC with me…its hell, as I know she has no concept of what I have been going through, describing me as feeling ‘a bit sad’ when I texted her telling her that not being able to talk to her was so devastating….since kicking me out she’s completely avoided any eye to eye contact, and only talked to me by fb chat which caused a misunderstanding leading her to post several underhand statuses on fb which realy hurt….
I’m riding a roller coaster of pain at the moment, I just wish I could get off and explain to her face to face….
Hi. I’m Dana. Pat and I have been dating for 2.5 years. It was instant love. We moved in together after 6 months. After a year of living together his drinking became a real problem. Our last month together he became very withdrawn, everything described in the e-book. He isolated himself from me and I felt I was not loved anymore and he was a different person – then went on a drinking binge…a very bad one…and was treating me like an enemy. I told him I can’t deal with his drinking problem and we broke up. For 3 months, he tried to get me back. He joined AA and did 90 meetings in 90 days. He became very serious about the program, very into religion and community service and helping others. In the 3 months, I dated around but all I wanted was Pat. After 3 months we decided to work on things. We had 7 amazing months together. He had become so self reflective. He appreciated me so much and I no longer sweat the small stuff. I thanked God every day for bringing Pat back to me as a better and stronger man. About a month ago, Pat came to me crying. He said he thought that by cutting out drinking his depression would go away. He said he has been experiencing depression his whole life and it’s worse than ever. He has been sober for a year but he feels like he needs something else. He explained that he is going to go on meds and help himself but he sees how his depression brings me down and it makes him feel worse. He said we are not right for each other and although he loves me, it will never work. He said therapists told him he has a long road ahead of him and he won’t keep hurting me b/c he will be battling this for years. If I cried or told him I’d be there for him – he would get angry and mean, which was very unlike him. We didn’t speak much for a month and then this weekend he picked up his stuff from the house while I was at work. I cried all weekend long to the point where my parents were worried that I was going to hurt myself. I will not hurt myself but I do recognize that this is weak behavior and after a month and a half of being broken up I do have to try and move on. Still, it seems impossible. I gave in and texted him that I miss him. He replied with “I miss you too but you can’t keep doing this it’s too hard.” I said “It doesn’t have to be hard we both love each other.” He said he couldn’t text b/c he was driving so I called him. On the phone he yelled at me. He said he does not want to be in a relationship and he doesn’t want me to call him anymore and I need to move on. Then he hung up on me. Later he texted me that he’s sorry he takes it out in anger but it really just hurts him to know that he has hurt me and he is in a dark place and he does love me but that is not enough and can I please not call him anymore and just move on and be happy. I feel like I am dying inside. Like how can he tell me he loves me but can’t be with me and how can hearing me sad over him and missing him make him angry and be mean to me when he has never been mean to me before? He’s a great guy yet he feels like everything he touches turns to shit. In one breath he will tell me I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and if God wants us together a year from now he will put us together. In another breath he will yell that I need to move on and find someone else b/c he can’t be what I need and he doesn’t want a relationship. He said he hopes down the line we can be friends. FRIENDS?!!? My friends and family are sick of hearing me and I am sick of myself. I feel like I can’t function at home or work and I am truly scaring myself. I don’t know why I want a man who is so weak that he can’t be there for me and so depressed that he feels the need to be nasty to me. I don’t know if I am holding onto the happy go lucky Pat who I fell in love with. I know he has a lot of baggage and I have supported him all the way through. He says he will be eternally grateful to me for that. But then he tells me not to call him anymore. It hurts so bad and I’m pushing my family and friends away b/c they are sick of hearing me cry after a month and a half. I remember this being a great support group for my last break up, but I don’t even think I knew what love was back then. My love for Pat is so deep that I swallowed my pride (which I never do) and begged him to come back yesterday. He only yelled at me that that would be all wrong and I need to move on and leave him alone to heal. I’m a disaster. I’m the person who always had it all together and I am falling apart…Life is just too hard. Please help me!!! Any feedback would be so appreciated.
Hi Dana, I’m sorry to hear your story. Unfortunately, the more you try to cling to your depressed partner, the more he will pull away. Put some space between you for a couple of weeks and then just send a friendly text, telling him about something amusing that’s happened in your life, or asking a question about a sports team/ band that he likes. Whatever you do, leave out any emotion and just treat him like a friend. If he responds, keep the conversation non emotional. If he doesn’t respond, try again in another couple of weeks.
Your best hope is that you can be a friend to him and, in time, when the medication kicks in, things might progress into a relationship again. There are no guarantees however, and you could be waiting an awfully long time.
In the meantime, try to live your life as well as you can. Don’t let depression get a hold of you too! It’s difficult to break up with someone you love, but as the days go by, things WILL get easier.
The Depression Fallout forums are a brilliant place to go to for support by the way.
Thank you SO much for your reply. I have had a really hard time. It’s challenging getting through life and my depression is only situational, missing him. I can’t imagine feeling that empty for no reason. I read the e-book, “Surviving Depression Together.” While some parts were hopeful, the book scared me. It showed me that he is not just leaving for me and he feels that I am not making him happy. It stressed what a life long struggle this will be and that we will still struggle even if we do get back together. It’s really hard, feels like my best friend and love is a stranger. 🙁
You’re very welcome. It does make things even more difficult when family and friends don’t understand, so I would advise you to join the forum I recommended and vent as much as you need to on there.
All the best.
Hi Dana,
I am going through exactly what you went through, and was told the exact same things by my ex-bf. I dont’ know how to help but at least you are not alone. I know exactly how to you feel, especially about not wanting to bring my family and friends down who don’t quite understand the complexities of why I love and want someone who doesn’t want me. I’m usually the person who is strong but these days I feel so weak and all I want is to be next to him. Good luck to you. Take care.
I have been with my husband for 22 years and found this website whilst looking about depression. I must say it has been a world of support for me. 5 months ago my husband changed from a loving caring man to someone totally different. He told me he was down and stressed at work i went to the docs with him but when she offered him something to change his mood as she didnt discuss depression with him as she could see he would never admit that to her as he is a manly man he said no. things progressively got worse i accused him of having an affair twice although i know thats not true but his behaviour towards me had changed so dramatically. He then stopped talking to me and emotionally detached himself with me he said he felt uncomfortable in my company after 4 months of this i left for 3 days when i returned he told me he loved me and that he wanted to carry on things have got better but he is still very distant from me he now says that he has never been down that i told him to leave his job which i didnt . he has now tried to turn things round and make it look like its ne that has the problem, i am trying to just carry on but its hard
FedUp – I feel your pain, and also empathize with your frustration. You do NOT have the problem, so don’t let him gaslight you. That said, in many ways he simply cannot help what he is doing and saying. It sounds as though you went to an MD or DO. What you need to do is get him to see a therapist. If you can get him to begin talk therapy with someone, possibly along with some medication, it should help. The therapist may discuss therapy sessions with you, also, to help understand what he is going thru and also help you cope – live YOUR life. At some point, he/she may suggest couples therapy – when the time is right and your spouse is on a good path.
You are not alone. There are many of us out there who experience the same things. The illness is the culprit – not your husband. If you can find a way to separate the two in your mind it may help you recover, and forgive. Yes, forgive – because you are feeling hurt and you are angry at the illness that has taken over your best friend.
Take a deep breath. Know you are not alone. Seek support from family or friends or church groups or even a mental health caregivers support group. Find something away from him just for yourself. Then when you are together you will have more emotional strength to carry through.
Don’t for one second give in and believe when he is blaming you. That is a classic ploy! He is hoping you will want him to be better so much so that you will accept the blame thinking that will help him get better. He CANNOT get better by making you feel worse.
You can love him. You can support him. But, you cannot solve this FOR him. HE is ultimately in charge of getting better. Set some boundaries, even though that may be difficult. And if you don’t feel you can give those boundaries to him – as he may get unreasonable toward you – write them down, in a journal or online in an email journal, where only you can see them. Make them your mantra. When he gets tough, read them, say them to yourself.
Let me know if any of this helps. YOU are OKAY!
Thank you for your support. He has said it is a maariage problem and tells everyone the same we have had 22 years of happiness and his behaviour has changed so much very quickly. at first it was he felt down didnt like what he saw in the mirror felt that i didnt want him i stepped up and showed him how much i did with love cards texts and also a spa weekend away he just got worse. he emotionally detatched himself from me for a time then i left when i came back he said he loved me and has always maintained that he took me out for nights out and things improved but it was still not him it was like being with a different person. sex has been more but different its like he is fantacising the other day he asked what my fantasy was i said i didnt have one and asked him what his was to which he replied he wanted to take a photo of myself playing with myself so the could wank over it. thats not like him at all he has never discussed anything like that with me over the 22 years we have been together. He has fooled everyone saying he is not depressed as he acts so normal he works alot and comes home every night. the other day he said he wasnt happy with the marriage he said he didnt want to go over old ground as to what was wrong and that perhaps it had come to a point where we had just come to the end of the line but i think after 22 years we should work at ay problems which i hasten to add i dont really know what they are. he then said he thinks we should take a break from each other so i went to my sisters again for the afternoon she then went and spoke to him he told her he wasnt depressed he loved me but we had a maariage problem dont think she even nderstood what was going on she said she didnt think he was depressed although he could have been hiding it well. i went back that night as i didnt want to be away from home that was 2 days ago he cuddled me in bed for both nights I am so confused. I have decided that there is nothing more that i can do. but as none of this is my fault if he wants to leave it will have to be him that goes. i am financially insecure because of him as he started a business 6 years ago when we owned our own house my inheritance went into that house we had equity in it until he took out a secured loan for the business the business failed and we lost everything he went bankrupt but i didnt so the deficit of the house debt went to me i support him through all this and never blamed him but if he leaves me now and we go separate ways i have no means of supporting myself i work full time but cant afford to rent a property on the wage i get. Its so hard i dont know which way to turn.
You have it right: if he wants to go, let him, but do not leave. It sounds more like he is testing you, testing whether you will stay or go….and he really wishes it is the former. I went through something similar and that is what the therapist determined. Mine was afraid I WOULD leave, so he kept up the banter of leaving/staying. It was enough to make my head spin.
Get yourself to a therapist, soon! Even if he chooses not to go, this person can help you cope and get through. This might spur him into going. BTW – for so long I thought no one else believed mine was depressed. He put on such a good show. Fortunately I have highly educated parents and siblings. They saw through him, and that has been a blessing for me – for both of us.
Mine is much calmer now. And I know better how to get through the ‘out there’ times. But, it took several years to get here. Marriage is work. Marriage dealing with an illness takes a different kind of work, especially an illness that is not visible like a broken limb or cancer that shows in a weakened body.
I worried too, about the ‘no means of support’. We are better together financially. Remember – one step at a time. No hasty decisions. He hasn’t left yet. He may be just ‘trying it on for size’. But now that you are facing this ‘illness’, it is a good time to take stock and think about HOW to get along financially on your own. Maybe just making a plan will help you feel a bit better, a bit calmer, even if you never need to follow through.
Just an update on what has happened. My husband left last week and checked into an hotel for 3 nights i was beside myself he said he needed a break and was unhappy with the marriage but would not discuss what the problem was as he said he didnt want to go over old ground. I still have no idea what the problem is. He said he felt uncomfortable with me but tells me he loves me we have sex and he cuddles me in bed every night. I sobbed incontrollably for the 3 days which was unfair on our daughter so i asked him to come back which he did he said he felt numb and like he had hit a brick wall he also said that i needed to know that throughout all this he has loved me. he was quiet the first night back and ignored both me and our daughter which is totally unlike him she feels pushed away by him aswel he also has no interest in our grandchildren and the oldest who is 9 had a great relationship with him and he is now thinking that he doesnt love him anymore. As he wont speak about depression and tells everyone he has a maariage problem its very hard for me i go from thinking yes he is depressed to is he having an affair although he doesnt go out other than working and stays at home all weekends and there has been nothing suspictious about his spending on the account.I spoke to my councilor and she said she thought he was depressed but as she hasnt seen him she can only go on what i have told her she has advised me to just get on with life as normal dont ask how he is and leave him to get on with it. But im scared he will leave again. i can normally tell what mood he is in by his face when he has colour in his cheeks he is normally ok with us when he is pale thats when the marriage problem comes up again saying hes not happy.This is driving me crazy and taking over my life i have gone on antidepressents myself to try cope with it all. It seems so strange that he can be off with me and our daughter not speaking etc then take a phone call and speak as normal laughing and joking.after 5 months of this i am very tired and not sure how much i can take will he ever get better without treatment. also when he came back from his break he looked terrible he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders
Hi everyone.
I’ve been with my partner coming on 3 years now. After the year together I moved in to his place with his parents. I’ve known he’s been different since the day I met him which is one of the things that attracted me to him. He has a different view on the world.
I moved out of his parents about a month ago as he was feeling like he had no personal space anymore and was feeling suffocated which when it comes down to it, is easy to understand as its tough living with a parent let alone with your girlfriend.
Depression runs in his family and both his sister and mother have it. They’ll the most wonderful family but sometimes have a difficult time. When I moved out he promised it wouldn’t be perminant and that by this April we will have a place of our own.
We’ve started saving and we’ve both been so excited looking for places etc. he’s been low recently because he hates his job but has to stay in it for a further year as he is on a 4 year apprenticeship. When we are intimate it’s amazing but lately it’s been slacking on both of our half. When we make love it makes us so happy but we never seem to make the effort.
He knows that he has something wrong with him but I think he’s scared to admit what it is. He hates that his mum takes medication for it and sees it as a weakness. He has a fear of the doctor so there’s no convincing him to talk to someone other than me.
Now I know he’s been low but I don’t really know what he’s going through so don’t know what advise to give him when he hits a low point.
This week had been better and he told me he’d gathered his thoughts and realised what was important and that he would just have to suffer for that year as it will benefit for the future. He also decided that taking out a 6,000 loan that he planned for getting a new car was also not a good idea…hallelujah right? Ever since then we’ve been so happy, took me for lunch yesterday and told me he’s so happy and so in love. Then on the way home he asked to stop at our usual place for coffee, I declined and all hell broke loose.
He went into complete silence and when I tried to talk to him he shouted at me and told me to stop. We arrived back and locked the door and told me to do what I want. I wanted to sort things so went in.
When I went in he told me to leave him alone. I refused and wanted to sort things. This made him flip out and lose his temper; he would be fine on his own and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. After pushing him to answer whether he loved me he point blankly told me no. He told me to take my rat (the rabbit we shared that he brought me) and leave him alone so I did.
Since then I’ve heard nothing from him which is usual when we argue (which is rare). I’ve spoken to his mum and she’s unsure what he wants and so does his sister. They’ve contacted me, not them. She told me he’d cleaned the rabbit out today and that was spending the rest of his time watching TV on his own.
I know I need to leave him alone but it’s hard because normally I’m the one talking him out of his low points so I’ve sent him loads of irrational texts. I’ve yet to have a response.
I’m so scared it’s over but I’m unsure why because I know him, I know he loves me and I’d know if there was something wrong with us but there wasn’t at this point.
He was low the week before because of work and the car situation. I’m so confused and just want to talk to him. I need some advise in the mean time…
Also, we’ve got holidays planned ahead and was literally talking yesterday about how excited he is. We were also planning our annual trip to London at xmas and down to South for the summer. I’m just so confused as it was all so ‘normal’ up until then?
Hi, I know this was written a while ago but can I ask what ended up happening? I’m in similar situation as you except I didn’t get his family involved. One minute he told me to wait for him because he was tired of his negative thoughts and wanted to get his medicine. Then about a week later (he hadn’t gone to his doctors yet) he had a bad day and I refused to leave him alone and he told me first that there’s nothing to love about him, and when I reassured him he told me to leave him alone, that he feels nothing for me, to move on, and that I act so crazy which hurt me so much. It’s been 4 days since last contact but I’m clueless if he meant that or if it was his depression.
Hi, this really hit home for me.
I’m suffering in the aftermath of a recent breakup. My partner and I agreed he should go back to his home country after months of him struggling here (the UK). It was a long history between us, back and forth long distance communication since we met 4 years ago and I was always left waiting for him to return, this didnt happen after waiting around for ages, so we dropped communication for a while. He then reappeared here last july and it was meant to be a reunion only, but we both fell in love and he wanted to stay and build a future with me.
Now, I blame myself for what went wrong after that, because we partied on the weekends (by that I mean recreational drug taking – usually because I said lets party, so I initiated it). I know he could make his own choice if he wanted partake or not, but we were having a good time and he went along with it. I also look back on this time because my mum had cancer and I think I needed an escape / self medicate a bit. By no means am I an addict of any sort, but it was weekend fun times to let my hair down.
He got a job here and his focus became lost, it was a demeaning role and his boss publicly humiliated him for the tiniest mistakes in front of the entire office. He eventually broke down and lost the job. After that he was a shell of himself, he then confessed to having sex addiction (since the age of 14). He said he’d be faithful to me but this addiction on top of others he had, were boiling underneath. Also, his parents always let him down with big promises of financial support so he could study here and not worry about money, that didnt happen but he had mounting debt from his home country. He then retreated into himself more and more, and I gave so much to help him and probably smothered him in the process. I made nice dinners, took him to a spa day, offered him to live at mine… any kind of support because I wanted him to be on track but he didnt want to take up my offer of living at mine (for free) and preferred being on his uncle’s couch.
I got upset and frustrated at times because it was so heavy, but never lashed out or called him names or anything like that. He said he didn’t want a future with me and all the plans he had promised before so I said, you need to go back to your country, heal and get support from your friends and family and whats familiar to you and let me go. I was more worried about his state of mind and being able to get better help at home, than I was about my own needs and wants. But I’m still devastated. He said his issues outweighed us, they were always there and brewing away and that he likely had a form of depression for the last 15 years but tried to suppress it. No matter what I did, he said it wouldn’t change anything.
Please can someone offer me some guidance, I feel like I’m a bad person and a negative influence. I know we partied but I didn’t know if this was the catalyst for it or the cause of how badly he turned out.
It’s not your fault. Like he said, this was brewing for 15 years. Sure, drugs don’t help your mental situation in any case, but he is a big boy and can make his own decisions.
It sounds like you’ve been patient, loving and kind. You obviously care a lot to be on this site in the first place. It’s great that you are still able to set boundaries and stand up for yourself when your needs aren’t met. Continue to take care of yourself and create the future you want with or without him. I know this sounds easier said than done, but my partner just left our relationship too due to depression and wanting to work on himself on his own. Our relationship was amazing and now it’s over… but I will press on and you can too.
My partner of 3 and a half years has been battling with depression for the past 3 months or so. In this time his personality has become a bit of a rollercoaster. Even though he has isolated himself and had to take time off work he has always made it clear how much he loves me and couldn’t live life without me. The only real issue has been lack of intimacy to which I have tried to be understanding of and not pressure him even though it hurts me deeply.
About 3 weeks ago I messaged him to come over and he said no but I was pushy and put a bit of pressure on him as to why he didn’t want to spend time with me. He responded by messaging that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he fell out of love with me a good few months ago. I’m a good person but he just doesn’t ever want to be with me again. This has just come to such a shock for me as days previous to this he couldn’t emphasise enough how important it was that he has me in his life. I was completely heartbroken. 3 days later he messaged me to see if I was ok and asked me over to talk. This man is the love of my life so of course I jumped at the chance. He told me he was so sorry for what he said he didn’t mean it and he did love me he just couldn’t explain what was wrong. I was just so happy to have him beside me that I didn’t force him to talk about it any longer even though I felt extremely insecure inside. We spent the next few days happily doing out Norma things together and I felt so happy! But the next day I asked him to meet and he said no and that I had to stop being so intense. That word really pained me so I appologised and agreed to back off. It was nearly a week before we spoke again where he said he still didn’t think the relationship was working and there was strain put on it because we weren’t talkint. I was only trying to do the right thing by him and either way I wasn’t making him happy. He then continued to say that it was true that he didn’t love me and the only reason he took me back was because he felt bad that he had hurt me so much.
So now after a couple weeks no contact I am so lost. I am completely in love with that man we had planned a future together. I just can’t come to terms with what he has said as I don’t know what the real truth is, does he love me or not?
I would do anything to reach him and to have him back like before but I worry he will never come back to me. I refuse to believe he doesn’t love me as he couldn’t tell me enough about how special I was to him until recently. Help 🙁
the unfortunate truth, and it pains me as well, my experience has been similar. its been going on a year and half since she devalued me and disappeared, and time hadnt healed a damn thing. it hurts the same as the day. so i can’t speak with any significance regarding “healing or recovery”. but i do know. love you or not, come back or not, ……you don’t want to spend your life with someone who treats in such manner. you’re worth way more then spending you life with such a confused and hurtful person. besides, nothing is more dangerous and hurtful than someone who doesn’t know what they want. neither of us got closure or any modicum respect, much less of any answer why the seemingly overnight, disappear leaving only the charred smell of their bizarre and new hatred to you. regardless, the “why”, sadly, is the same in almost everycase, once you peel off all the misdirection, false alibi, excuses, or rebranding the name, its still same, they ARE OR WANT TO BE with someone else or be in a position to accept an opportunity for such. they can call whatever they’d prefer, but like she said to me, “it is what it is. ” ultimately and ironically behind every single partner there after, is left a trail of ashes in their wake. doom and disaster. then back to us. but not anymore. your worth more. theyll come to their realization of what they lost and carelessly so, but this time, dont be there. dont break their fall. dont react. walk away and give yourself a chance to live, to find someone who really loves you and doesnt leave, ….,again, and again. a pattern repeated in all their past relationships if one cares to look carefully.
My partner and I were together for 7 years.
About four months ago his father passed away somewhat suddenly.
He is the most caring guy I know, and also incredibly outgoing and confident. I knew he was struggling to cope with the loss, and offered support where I could but knew I couldn’t push him into getting grief counselling.
All of a sudden he walked out. He says he is so overwhelmed he doesn’t know what he feels about anything and that we were probably never going to make it in the long run.
After all of this he has decided he may be depressed and is going to seek help. He refuses to discuss his issues with anyone else, but divulges all of his feelings of worthlessness and guilt and misery to me, but then still says he doesn’t think we can work.
I don’t know if this is the depression or we are just done for good?
Did he get back to u??
did they ever come back to you?
I was specifically seeking an article dealing with this topic as I recently lost my flat to a fire on Christmas day, which caused my former partner’s cats to perish, and now in the wake of all this loss, we have split up. He has bipolar disorder, I have major depression; we reconnected after 20 years hoping to build what we weren’t able to when we were in college. I thought this event could make or break us and it has broken us; while I hoped we would find a way to heal together upon our reuniting after the fire and the conclusion of our holiday visits with family (we were out of town up until just last Saturday and hadn’t seen each other for weeks), and after the hope that him telling me the first night back together that he wanted to get married and stop playing house, and that with that commitment, he would be able to rebuild and recover, last night he declared he could not heal remaining here and he hoped we could maintain a long-distance relationship for the indefinite period he would need to stay away and back with his parents. My heart sank, and I went into planning mode, thinking I just needed to give him the space to do what he needs to do and I would take care of myself, but the more it sunk it, the more it felt like a slap in the face. If partners cannot heal from an event like this together, then what of the so-called partnership? I eventually told him that to protect myself, as he was trying to protect himself, that I would need to end things under the circumstances. He is on his way back his parents in Southern California now and I am left with anger and sadness that he chose this cowardly path, and that the relationship was so weak that his inner demons could so easily take precedence. As a person who lives with recurring depression, I know one makes a choice, with every episode, whether to allow the depression to rule your life. He has chosen to be married to his illness, not me, and that is the ultimate insult to someone who was supposed to be the long lost love of his life. I will move on, but I now appreciate the challenges of managing both my own condition and that of a partner, particularly when there is a lack of commitment to true recovery. While he was consistently in treatment and on meds, he was going through the motions; he did not manifest an interest in deeply re-evaluating his thoughts, values, or behaviors, and as long as these remain the same for him, I do not believe he will ever be able to live a full life and manage the internal strife that he has become so accustomed to. As they say, you stick to the misery you know. I can at least take solace that my work to become open to change and challenge in order to not have depression rule my life means I can let go of the familiar misery and embrace the uncertainty, and possibility, of things being better.
I really have an issue with this. As someone with a mental health condition I would expect there to be more empathy for someone’s suffering.
I understand that you’re in pain and I’m sorry for that. Yet I’m bothered by the implication that to be better we just have to want it enough. I got enough accusations of such from my non-depressed ex to accept such from someone who should know better. You can have no real idea as to whether his experience with mental illness is the same as yours.
I’m thrilled that you’ve found a successful way to manage yours and hope the same for all of us.
Fred, I appreciate your perspective. I think my experience demonstrates the challenge of managing one’s own condition while trying to be supportive of her partner’s, and I failed. I am grieving and angry like anyone might be with the demise of a meaningful relationship but fully understand it was my own limitations that contributed to it because of our very different approaches and my lack of capacity. That recognition does not take away the hurt. And I think ot parallels the experiences of anyone, disgnosed or not, who lost their partner with a clear illness because they could no longer bear the burden of not ever knowing if things could get better.
And to be clear since I wasn’t due to my emotional state, since the premise of the original article posed the illness against the partner/relationship as cause of demise, the juxtaposition intrigued me because in my case, it’s clearly both in my opinion-our illnesses and from my selfish standpoint, his lack of conviction for our relationship. I can be someone who lives with depression and understand its limitations but still be hurt by the effects of another’s.
Sherri,
Do I ever understand. My former partner blamed my depression for her walking out on me. I feel like a complete failure for not managing my illness to her satisfaction.
I’m having tremendous difficulty believing in a brighter future, but that hope is all I’ve got. Here’s hoping for all of is.
Sherri I can sympathise with how you feel, its so difficult to switch off the emotions when you have seen someone give in and let this illness take over them. My boyfriend (who hid his depression) had been displaying behaviour over the last few months that I could not understand. When we first met we spoke of a future together, marriage, children and so forth. To see someone retreat into themselves and not to even fight is so sad. I am torn between my own emotions of pain, sadness, grief, disappointment and anger as well as my emotions of sadness and empathy for him and his situation. I have even tried to tell him that depression seems to have reared its ugly head in his life again and gently asked him to receive help to avoid him from sinking further.
Wishing you all the best
It is reassuring to see a lot of people went through what I’m going through. I’m 23 years old and even though I have not been diagnosed, I’m quite certain I suffer from depression for a few years now. I have been together with my girlfriend for the past 2 years.
I have up and down periods, with downs usually lasting anywhere from 4 to 10 months. During these times I feel like an empty shell and am completely unable to get anything done besides staying home and read, browse the internet; meeting people, going out, interacting with anybody is a suffering.
My girlfriend has been pressuring me for some time now about future, children, wedding because she is already 27 years old, but I can’t even get myself together for my own future as I have yet to study (of course I can’t get anything done in that regard) and this gets her very despaired. She is naturally a very social and outgoing person, and my antisocial periods are making her unhappy and distressed.
Since today she has been seriously considering breaking up and discussed about it with me. She said I should do efforts and fix it so that we can start going in the same direction, saying my negativity is impacting her as well.
I understand her but I wished she would better understand I don’t have any control on it. I don’t know what to think, I don’t even feel upset or sad, as I felt like I grew distant from her with the time spent feeling void of emotions. Maybe it would be better for her as someone can probably take better care of her happiness than me. I really don’t know what to do.
I am so u. I don’t know what to do at this point. Me n my husband now are going on 9 yrs. Just got married on New years eve 2014. I havent even gone to change my last name but have asked for a divorce already. After reading some articles I’ve realized I’ve must have been depressed the majority of my life. The beginning of our relationship was soo mesmerizing and different to me. I actually felt loved. A month later I’m pregnant but it was planned. Now thinkng back… we’ve been arguing since then. Over years of arguing, horrible, physical fights, in front of our children… unspeakable actions and regrets…he feels the need to wk out if town just cause he can’t stand to b around. That, …cuts like a knife. I’ve ruined everything. I know what I desire and want. But my mind, thoughts, and actions are preventing that.
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 days ago because we have been arguing so much we forgot how to be happy, and it’s all my fault. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for about a year now and recently started cognitive behavioural therapy and I don’t feel it is doing me any good. He can’t handle me anymore, I just make him so unhappy and he is starting to hate me. I love him so much and I know this is all my fault and I don’t know how I am going to get through this. Will he ever love me if I get better? Do I have to just try forget about him and write him out of my life completely? Will he ever trust me enough to believe me if I ever do get better. I feel so alone as he has been there since day one and he was always the one who I cried to when I felt low and that is the reason he left me because he felt like he was simply my crutch and I didn’t care about him in all of this. I’m on antidepressants which I really thought were working but I just don’t know anymore I’m very confused and it’s christmas next week and I’m so angry at him for doing this to me now. I wish somebody could help me be a normal person again so I don’t ruin my life any further
Robyn,
My answer to this question has changed dramatically over the last four months; in August my domestic partner of 5 years walked out on me with no warning, and one of the excuses she used was that she was tired of managing my depression.
Depression is a medical issue. Life isn’t always easy. What if this had been cancer? What if you have cancer later in life? Does this behavior indicate that your ex is someone who would weather any storm with you?
You did not cause this. This is not your fault. Depression lies to us. You need to focus on yourself and do whatever you need to in order to find good health. I’m guessing that once you do, you’ll accept (like I’m trying so hard to) that your ex doesn’t deserve the good times n your life if he couldn’t handle things when they were bad.
It’s nice to read posts regarding this monster of an illness as it forces you to think through your own situation using a perspective other than your own distorted one. While there is no comfort in knowing others struggle with the big D, it is comforting to know that we are not alone.
Fred, I am very sorry to hear of your situation and Robyn as well. Wanted to throw another perspective out there after reading your comments. Have u recognized and acknowledged what your partners may have been going through and really thought about whether they really did try to help? It’s hard I know, but just to bare the pain of losing something worth fighting for, make sure u have found the strength to place yourself in the shoes of your partner. The D can hide and bury the efforts of others and make you feel like they did nothing to help and are just giving up on u. It’s easier to see this as a disease, an illness, if both parties feelings are discussed and respected, whether right or wrong.
My life is falling apart by the day however, its been a 2+ year build up to this point. I’ve been in a relationship for 7+ years. We bought a house 5 years ago and have been engaged for a year and a half. The last 2 years have been a roller coaster ride I wouldn’t dream of placing even my worst enemy on.
Fiancé has struggled with major depression for 2 years. In these 2 years, he has lost his career, pushed every friend and family member away except for his parents and has been at home unemployed for some time now. In and out of drs. Meds not helping but refuses to seek additional help or make any life changes. I seem to have been, and continue to be serving the role of his personal punching bag. Now, he places all blame on me. Blames me for the lack of intimacy, not communicating, not being a partner, oh the list goes on. The worst is the comment that I have not been supportive over these last 2 years.
Over these 2 years, while i now know this was not a healthy way of “helping” him, i have lied to family and friends on our MIA and no show patterns to “protect” him and his reputation to avoid future stigmas.
This situation we are in has damaged every relationship that exists in my life. I too lost 5 of my best friends and have kept family at an arms length. I have 2 nephews I’ve seen 4x in the past 1.5 years (they live locally) grandparents that are slipping health wise. Tried to talk to family but they “just cant understand”. Years u cannot get back. BUT, I chose this as I thought this was helping. He felt me going out with friends or to family functions was me leaving him behind and moving on in life without him. So, not wanting to further add to the issues and genuinely understanding how he could feel such a way in this altered state of mind, I honored this feeling of his, to an extent.
I had struggled myself a year ago but meds helped me and I was able to pull it together. I have, well had, a very stressful job that brought a great deal of responsibility. Was fired early this month. That in combo with trying to help fiancé overcome the D, being solely responsible for all financials, now both without health insurance, everything we touch breaking, literally, while losing the few close friends i had and now dealing with the family dynamics this has created, is really a lot to ask someone to deal with.
Now read that last paragraph to him and he would laugh saying, it’s mine and my families fault and that I haven’t been supportive or tried to help us get passed this mess. REALLY? How long can you ask someone to put up with self destructive behavior? I’m sure I may have added to some of it but for crying out loud, I’m trying my best. I have now again spiraled to a new low. Fired from my job at the beginning of the month has been the icing on the cake. He doesn’t care.
So now I ask, how can u not consider leaving that person, regardless of how much u love them? This is about more than just us at this point. This is affecting lives of many others. If I’m losing my own will to carry on, how are u supposed to help someone else?
Struggling to understand……..
I don’t know what to think about all of this..living with a depressed partner. Our relationship has forever changed, not as sweet and loving as I’ve always known. You don’t know when the next sentence will set them off and so on, constant blaming, the effects they have on everyone around them. In my case I know first hand people avoid him, his own family and friends. How many ” I’m sorry” can one accept. How can you work on regaining trust when it is constantly being challenged. I feel really bad thinking it let alone writing it. Xmas parties are coming up and not sure if I want to go as a couple, not sure what mess he will stir up that night again feel horrible thinking it but this is my life and not enjoying this part of it.
Hopefully for a calmer 2015
I know I’ve been depressed since high school (I’m 38) & was diagnosed with ADHD & major depression. I’ve only been on Celexa for a week. Putting my ex boyfriend through 7 years of hell has ruined our relationship. Fighting constantly & blaming him for all the problems, me accusing him of cheating on me, not being able to be there for him emotionally let alone physically, tired all the time, I just never felt happy or good enough for him. I just never knew how to put his needs first. I felt like this horrible monster all the time! Although he tells me he has never strayed, the thoughts were there after finding some interesting emails & text messages. Ive only been Medication for 2 weeks & going to see a councilor every other week is helping. It will be a long journey of recovery, I really do still love him to this day. Realizing the all the damage I caused, words cannot explain how I wish I could undo everything.
I have read these comments and they are so helpful to me. My bf of 2 1/2 years has had his battles with depression. He told me that one time, when he was in college, he went to see a psychologist because he was having panic attacks. The psychologist stated that he was clinically depressed. He has since than never returned to get counseling. I have always new him, but we never dated back until 2 yrs ago. He is a wonderful guy but the depression seems to win out every time. He will isolate himself for months. He will tell me that he loves me but right now all he can feel is pain and he doesn’t want to bring me in on it. In the meantime, I don’t here from him or see him for months. I drives me crazy. I don’t know what he is doing. I got so angry and so frustrated that I ended our relationship. It pains me so deeply and I want to get back together, but I don’t trust him now, and its very difficult to build a relationship with a person who is unstable in their emotions. A woman looks for security and dependability in a man and when its not their its makes me feel insecure. I don’t like to feel like that. I have made a decision that if we get back together, I will talk to him about getting counseling. I do not want a broken man and its not ok to blame your mistreatment of others on your up bringing especially when help is everywhere. If he refuses to get help than we can not be together. I love this man so deeply, but I understand that I can’t heal him. I can not be his therapist nor can I heal his heart. Its all in Jesus’s hands. I am now concentrating on me. I have to, My sanity is at stake
I find myself at some cross roads, Me and my boyfriend have been together over 5 years, we had dated before in highschool and he had found me 15 years later. He is dealing with depression but will not seek help. It has been going on for more the 4 years. Previously before being together he had been in a 12 year relationship with 2 step children. after the relationship ended he was left with nothing no job was scared the kids would hate him if they knew he was dating again. So i figured he would tell them soon about me and they could deal with it together, but he didn’t, i got pregnant and it wasn’t until our daughter was 4 months did he tell them, i did not agree with the way he dealt with this. I started noticing right before getting pregnant changes in his behavior, we both wanted marriage and children before, he had asked me to go off the pill, but then he started referring to marriage as a hanging, and that he didn’t want any children. I though he was going threw stuff and would snap back, when i got pregnant i thought this is just the hope he needs to get out of his rut. When our daughter was born he got worse blaming stress on me and his family even our daughter, the day she was born he blew up at the hospital because i didn’t agree with a name he had thought up (right then) he yelled and stormed out. After going home he wouldn’t get up till the late afternoon, he said so he could keep an eye on her at night, would yell at me about his stress that i didn’t respect him because i wanted to give our daughter breast milk. i could not stay there with him and his family, i felt isolated so me and our daughter moved out in hope that he would feel less stressed and we could find our own place together the 3 of us. My daughter is turning 3 his depression is getting worse the holidays are coming and thats when it usually gets bad, for the last 3 years he’s blown up on the holidays threatening me (to take our daughter or worse) saying malicious things and to his family to. He looks like the man i grew up with, the man i fell in love with but definitely isn’t. Every time i bring up the change or i would like the person i knew back he tells me this is how he is now and not to expect that to change. Now i’m thinking i should walk away, but i feel guilty all the time for having that feeling. I know this is depression, his anger, the excuses (why he can never participate in anything with me or our daughter examp birthdays or day to day things), the sleeping to late, the making friends when he does go anywhere (not friends that’s sarcasm it’s just what he says when he gets in fist fights, making friends), the threats of him blowing up and having control of everything making everyone fear him. This is not him and thats why i feel guilty, but i feel i can’t hold on anymore without falling in myself more then i already have. They pain i feel right now is very hard (i’m crying typing this)i love my boyfriend but hate the person he is now, how it hurts our family, how me and our daughter only gets to see him once a week. How we no longer have any physical contact such as kissing or holding hands. how i’m constantly blamed for a myriad of things, some making no sense like a 2 year old not sitting still or calling our daughter spoiled i she gets upset, quoting how he has raised 2 children and knows better. Constant criticism and then says he doesn’t ever say anything. I find myself a lot of time not sleeping or crying over the things he’d said and i keep telling myself this is not him, if i leave he could get worse, i don’t want my daughter to lose her father. i try my best to be supportive but i feel i’m walking on eggshells, the time i do spend with him dreading it, what will be said, how will i be put down this week and not feeling i can say anything because anger has taken him, everything is someone else or my fault in his eyes. so keep going in circles. i feel i have to leave since he will not go get help, i can’t handle the mental abuse or the lack of connection with him, i keep telling myself he doesn’t realize he’s doing it, also scared of what he would do threats of taking our daughter or physical harm, but i am so tired. I want him to get help but his ideology is people who seek help are weak, and he says he is extremely strong willed that he doesn’t need help people should just stop stressing him out. He says if he was working all would be fine, but he isn’t looking and mentioning that is bad so i haven’t done so in a couple years. When can a person say they’ve tried all they have. Can a person really say goodbye to a loved one when there right in front of you physically. What damage will this do if i go, how much damage if i stay. How do explain this to our daughter.
Hello I’ve been reading all the posts here, My name is Larry I have a beautiful wife’s 14-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter.i’ve been married for 16 years and about three months ago me and my wife decided to get a divorce. She said if I moved out we could see a marriage counselor and see if we can’t make it work. After our first initial visit it was clear that my wife did not love me anymore. But during the first visit was recommended that I see somebody on my own to my surprise I was diagnosed clinically depressed and I believe emotionally withdrawn from everything around me. I have a great Doc that helps me out a lot once a week I’ve come a long ways in this last three months but I lost everything that I love and care about. My wife started texting a man she had a relationship with him 21 years ago, And expecting me to watch the kids 11/1/14 so she can see him for 3 days. i’m not sure I can handle all of this. I’m 53 years old I own a construction company and my wife was very much the bookkeeper at backend. I remember months ago laying on the couch and just watching the world go by. And i do not due that any more. But know i feel like I’m just waiting for the second round to start,that is my business failing. Really do not know what to do anymore.
Hi Larry,
Seems, your already doing something which is fantastic, you are seeing a Doctor and trying to help your self, I also just broke up with my partner of 3 and half years, he changed in all areas , i knew he had depression when l met him but it only got worse, some say we should stay be there for them ?? I did , i took verbal abuse , lack of any sort of affection being blamed for everything, he was just miserable all the time, the thing is l tried to get him help many many times, he would not hear of it he kept saying he did not have a problem, as time went by things started to die between us even more, but l stuck around because i loved him.. but comes a time when you have to stop and say what is this doing to me? My children? He was dragging me down too.. he was mentally exhausting me, and its not that i did not care , its that i have to think of my own sanity too,if one can not admit they have a problem and want to help them selves, there is noting any one can do to make them get help, As for you Larry, you need to get out more find yourself again, go have some fun catch up for coffee with some one,do not let depression win, do not let it ruin your business , i sense you a strong person you can do it, relationships are never easy, but when illness hits its even harder..There are a lot of people out there that probably love your company go find them 🙂 I will try to follow the same advice i give you too 🙂 I hope you succeed l bet you are doing great take care Larry be strong.
I started dating my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. Everything was going well, we were really happy and into eachother. Last year when we both got into college things got a little rocky- we were both confused if we wanted to be together and if one person made a mistake the other was likely to threaten breaking up (immature stuff). However, we then decided to work through the problems instead of ending our relationship. He shortly begun to become depressed. He had no friends and never wanted to do anything. A few months later he broke up with me unexpectedly. We went about 2 months broken up, saw other people, but he declared that he wanted me back and that he was happier now. We got back together and things were better then ever, except now we were long distance. He always made the hour and a half drive to come see me. Until one day, I saw a message he had sent a girl he was romantically involved with in the past (nothing serious) and he was telling her he missed her etc (I don’t know if I was overreacting because they had been friends since he was little and only were romantically involved for about 3 weeks, but still I got upset because she has been a problem before) ever since then he acted weird towards me… Didn’t show up to my birthday because “we could celebrate another day”.. He realy did not understand the importance of being there and making it up to me for messaging another girl. About a week later he told me he “wasn’t feeling it” anymofe which was shocking because a week before the fight he was tellig me he wanted to marry me and move together after college. From then on he had days where he promised he wanted me and was sure about us, but other says where he wanted nothing to do with me. Everything was fantastic and happy a week before he acted all wishy washy. After he broke up with me (one day just decided to do it even though a day before he told me he loved me)he would still text me, I had told him to leave me alone if he was serious about the break up- but he ignored that I ever said that and continued to talk to me here and there. A few days later he calls me and tells me he’s depressed and some suicidal things and asked to be friends. I was all for that. So we stayed friends but he would still say lovey things at some point and then other tones he would ignore me. One day I decided that I couldn’t help him and that he needed to help himself so I told him that we couldn’t speak so that he could get better and focus on himself… He didn’t reply and I woke up with him blocking my number. Nothing to wish me well or anything. I told his mom the things he said so that he could get the proper help and she didn’t reply either. I miss him so much and just wish he would be back to normal. I don’t know what to do 🙁 usually he has these depression episodes and comes back but this time around he swore he was sure about us and wanted me and everything.. But then just broke up with me randomly 🙁
Also- when we got back together after his first episode he promised he wouldn’t hurt me and loved me so much. He continued to reassure me of that until he had his second episode. ;(
One more to add: he has dealt with depression for a year now and sees a counselor, do you think our fight triggered it? He usually comes back after a week or two to about a month or two. But I’m really scared this time. How could you go from wanting to marry someone and sending the sweetest texts to just blocking them out of your life In a week when I did nothing wrong! 🙁
This is very similar to my situation…Has he come back yet?
No. He has contacted me and told me to move on and that he’s moved on.. It’s bizzare. He says he is talking to someone but it isn’t serious and he isn’t going to date her… & He says we can be friends and maybe even hangout again in the future. It seems so real this time but his depression is worse than ever so I don’t know what to think
This has happened to me this week, 2 weeks ago my partner and I samtayed in a hotel, had the best time an a week later she said she wants to be alone! I am suicidal but have found reading others same experiences helpful
I was diagnosed with clinical depression about two years ago, just a week before my 18th birthday. Since then a lot has happened, most importantly I met the most wonderful girl at school, we became friends and then lovers. One week ago she broke up with me, after almost 16 months, she was and still is my first true love.
Her main reason is that as she is a introvert and has little energy to take care of people, her parents (mainly her depressed father) and school (we’re graduating in a few months) take up a lot of that, and she’s explained that taking care of me takes so much of her energy that there’s none left for her to take care of herself.
Over the last two to three months we’ve grown distant, small fights occurred more oftenly, drawing on our nerves, we pretty much stopped kissing, not to speak of intimacy, all this hurting me, I’ve questioned over and over if I did something wrong, when I found the courage to ask she said it was external influences. Now when she broke up our relationship I asked if she still loves me, her answer was “not as much anymore” (maybe our relationship didn’t survive the passing of the honeymoon phase?)
I tried talking to her about finding a new beginning, working together, with assistance from my therapist. She said she doesn’t think the feelings would come back, and would only come to a session to help me put a line beneath it and help me move on.
I’m constantly trying to distract myself, because thinking about it for longer than a few minutes results in me not functioning at all. Does anybody have an idea what I could’ve done to prevent this?
There’s nothing anyone can do to prevent something like this happening WHB, because depression is a nasty illness that really messes with people’s minds. I would advise you to back off completely – the more you try to pull her towards you, the more she will back away. The Depression Fallout message board is a great place to find good advice and support.
All the best.
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, just before our one year. We had done long distance for the first part of our relationship, I had met him while I was visiting my friends. I instantly fell in love, and so did he. We were best of friends, our friends usually got annoyed as to how close and how great our bond was. We didn’t really fight, any time we did it would turn into us tickling each other or just laughing it off. Our entire relationship we talked about me moving up to go to school in the same city, when I finally did about two weeks later he had broken up with me. I was so confused and so lost. It was all we ever wanted, and then he called it quits. I knew he had been going through some hard times so I was there for him spending the night at his place and being there for him. He told me how scared, confused, sad and depressed he was. I knew he had a lot of pressure on him from his parents threatening him if e didn’t get his school work on the right path. He was applying to different organizations and was stressed about if he’d get in or not. I was always there supporting him, when we were together nothing had changed everything was perfect, when we were apart I noticed him being distant and just thought maybe we are busy, so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. One day he randomly told me how he just couldn’t be with me because he needed time for himself and he hadn’t been single for a while. I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that the guy who I loved more than any thing would leave me. He told me that it was the exact same reason why he left his ex girl friend of two years, but got back with her after a month. We ended thins badly and didn’t talk for a week until I finally told him I needed my closure in order for me to move on. He agreed and called me on the phone and we talked for an hour about everything. He told me that he needed time for himself and that I had to move on, he said that his depression was a battle in his head but him feeling emotionally detached was all him, which I didn’t understand. I asked what would happen move his depression went away and he said he was a man of his word and that I has to move on. We talked about being friends because we so have so many mutual friends, it would be tough. I don’t know what to do or what to expect. He says he’s depressed and lost feelings for me… But I don’t understand how you can lose feelings when nothing was really wrong.
I know this is old but what ended up happening?
Even though all your stories are so sad, I have to say that I feel so comforted after reading the comments. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years (he’s 28 and I’m 29) and around four months ago, I came home and he asked me to move out. He explained that he needed time to work on things within himself and swore to me that none of this has to do with us. After becoming very upset, we talked things through and he begged me to stay while crying his eyes out, but the next fews days were just different. The man I love was now acting very strange… I moved my things out a few days later and I made him promise me to go talk to someone because I was very worried and he agreed. Throughout the four months, we have met up around 4 time,s all on his account. I tried to give him the space that he wanted and tried my best to not contact him even though it killed me. The first meetings were great and then the last two, he would invite me over to just watch a movie and lay on the couch which hurt me the most. I had no idea what his intentions were and I don’t think either one of us knew how to handle it. We ended up hearing rumors about one another and then things became bad… he started to do things to hurt me intentionally and I finally found out that he was cheating on me. Lie after lie, I finally got the proof I needed and I found his car at a 19 year old girl’s apartment and my boyfriend had removed all the stickers off of his car so it was not recognizable.. in theory, he knows very well that what he was doing was wrong. After confronting him, he promised me that she meant nothing and was only just fun and that there were no emotions involved… if I believe him or not is beside the point, but I was so hurt. He finally told me that he had been diagnoised with PTSD from being in the Army, Clinical Depression, and maybe Bipolar Disorder and that he is now taking Wellbutrin for his depression. He then began to tell me that he loved me and wants to marry me but we right now is just not the time. I’m so confused and hurt and all I want is to make things right but I am so tired of fighting when he’s either not willing or able to.. I have starting seeing a therapist as well and have mentioned the thought of maybe bringing my boyfriend along which he isn’t opposed to but I continue to see his car outside of this new girl’s apartment; he’s there virtually every day and night. I know that this may be a continuous issue for the rest of our relationship but I’m willing to help and work through this. Now I find myself at the fork in the road and I can’t stand the thought of losing him.