Many women write here of the baffling strangers their depressed husbands or partners have become. Most often, they describe one of two versions of the unrecognizable men they’ve been trying to live with.
One turns on his partner, blames her for the pain he feels, acts abusively and then leaves, convinced that getting away from her will solve his problems. The other type retreats into silence and isolating misery, feels so bleak and wrong that he can’t stay around anyone, says he needs to sort things through on his own and wants to spare her the pain of living with him. He leaves too, often to sink further into depression.
Of course, there are many variations of these stories, but, in general, the men either blame their partners or they blame themselves. Some cut off every kind of communication. Others want to stay in touch, just a little. None of them get serious about trying to get better. They might sample medication or therapy in a perfunctory way but quickly give them up as useless.
I’ve written a lot about this behavior before (here and here are two examples) and don’t want to focus in this post on the men who leave. Instead, I want to ask a question about what happens to the women in these stories. I hope you can give me some more insight.
Why is the door always open for his return?
I am so often asked: “What can I do? Is there any hope that he’ll return? The estrangement, the loss is often so sudden that shock is the first response. How can this happen? Where is that great person I fell in love with? He must still be there, and I must be able to help him get well – and come back.”
Sometimes, there’s a numbness, sometimes a roar of intense feelings. Of course, that’s true for anyone whose partner walks out. There’s a mash-up of hurt, humiliation, love, anger, confusion. And running through it all at times is an acid of self-doubt. “Could I have done something more? Is this partly my fault? Was I sympathetic enough, loving enough, good enough?”
It’s hard to accept that the person now missing from your life is too wrapped up in his own depression to respond. He doesn’t see you as a person, only a reflection of what he believes about himself. I always respond that you, the abandoned partner, can’t do anything to change him. He has to decide on his own to seek help and work hard to get better. You can’t do that for him.
And I also urge that the woman take care of herself, seek counseling, try to heal. The missing man is beyond her reach, but she can try to heal her own wounds.
One of the many insidious things about depression is that it draws in the people who live within its influence, as Michael Yapko has discussed in his recent book, Depression Is Contagious
But the door remains open for his return.
Strangely enough, depression itself offers hope that the nightmare can end. It’s the illness that’s to blame. He’s suffering, she understands what he’s going through, she keeps offering her support – often by voicemail since he won’t speak to her – or sometimes through a friend or relative of his because he’s blocked every means of direct communication she might try.
My rational mind doesn’t get this and has to ask, Why? Why is the door always held open? Why does the love and support seem so unconditional? Why is there no cost to the man’s behavior despite the pain and havoc he has directly caused? It’s hard for the message to sink in that the depressed partner needs to wake up to the damage he’s done. If he knows he can always come back, he has one less reason to face reality.
Emotionally, I understand quite well, partly because I’ve been there myself. It happened to me in my 20s when a woman suddenly left. Depression had nothing to do with it, but I couldn’t accept the reality of the loss and kept trying to bring her back. I was a wreck for months and couldn’t stop thinking about her for years. I knew this was crazy, but I just couldn’t stop.
And that’s what I hear over and over again. “I know this is hurting me, but I just can’t bring myself to end the relationship completely.” Some get therapy, some – like their missing partners – feel they can’t yet handle talking in depth about the turmoil and hurt.
I know that my cool-headed questions don’t mean much. Long ago, I learned that it’s useless to cite reasons to explain away a painful emotion (not that I can always follow that advice). Recently, I read in Joseph LeDoux’s, The Emotional Brain
One of his comments goes directly to the imbalance between thinking and feeling:
There is but one mechanism of consciousness and it can be occupied by mundane facts or highly charged emotions. Emotions easily bump mundane events out of awareness, but nonemotional events (like thoughts) do not so easily displace emotions from the mental spotlight – wishing that anxiety or depression would go away is usually not enough.
Thoughts can’t do much in the presence of powerful emotions. They’re like blades of tall grass trying not to bend in a hurricane. I suppose if I were one of those green blades, I’d be telling myself why it’s unreasonable to whip around in the wind. This doesn’t make sense. I ought to be able to stand upright as I usually do. There’s no point to this tossing and churning – it’s only a hurricane. I should be able to handle it!
So my rational side gets exasperated when emotion continues to drive someone, but emotionally I’m all sympathy and “understand” completely what’s happening. … And yet, I keep circling back to same question.
Why is that door always open?
What do you think about it? And what do you feel?
Image: Some Rights Reserved by BrittneyBush
My husband has always had a volatile temper verbally, he seems increasingly angry at the world, and me? I seem to be the main thing that is wrong with his world and whilst he’s mentioned it in a fit of rage when drunk that he was done with us he would wake up the next morning fully apologetic and not not meaning the words he said. Two days ago text me in work about a credit card I have and then went on to rant how his life would be better without me but please don’t stop him seeing our son, the next morning I went to gather some belongings and he stated he didn’t mean what he said he doesn’t know why or what’s wrong with him? He wants his family back and loves us both, he doesn’t know why he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life or takes it out on me (verbally). I’m back in the marital home but just so unsure, I want to protect my son and my own heart. I
He’s says at times he just feels so low but he doesn’t know why, generally other than these blips get on really well
I’m so sorry you find yourself here. What a HORRIBLE place to be. I’ve been through what you’re going through, I know exactly how you feel. If you haven’t already been to the ‘Depression Fallout’ forum and/or read the book, I HIGHLY recommend that you do that. It saved me. There is so much support there.
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/forums/1/General-Discussion#.U5Y0ECg-eJY
I met a man 9 months ago. It seemed like the perfect timing, someone who came into my life when I needed him most. I had been single for 5 years and was starting to lose hope in finding a good guy. Then I met him. We laughed, we talked, we explored, went on adventures. It truly felt like our souls were connected. It seemed like everything was on the path towards a deep love. Then, with absolutely no indication at all, he left me. For another woman! About 3 weeks ago. And with absolutely no closure. All he said was that I pushed him away, that It was my fault. That i seemed guarded and now he had all of a sudden fell out of love. Then after that….No contact, no answering phone calls, no letters. No explanations, just nothing. I had to find out through Facebook when the other woman messaged me to tell me. He couldn’t even have the decency to explain to me that he was leaving me. I am crushed. Here is this man I thought I knew, now becoming a stranger. I feel guilty, I feel betrayed I keep going over the why its and shoulda coulda wouldas.. I dream of him, and I think of him everyday. I try to fantasize the possibility of his return, when he apologizes and everything will go back to normal. But deep down I know this cannot happen. Deep down I know he is depressed and insecure with himself and so he has just found someone new that he can suck the energy from, to fill the voids that he feels in himself. I just don’t know how I will be able to go on. My emotions trump my thoughts exactly and I feel hopeless, deceived, hurt, anger, sadness. I feel depressed myself. Any advice????
Im in the exact same situation as you. I spent all this time making this guy laugh treating him perfectly. He gave me all the “oh we should just get married” and blah blah blah.. then all the sudden, poof. he was gone. Took the money I spent on him, told me what I wanted to hear and vanished. weeks later when I called him out he said he wasn’t ready for a real relationship and was too depressed… but of course now hes dating someone. I believe that in your situation, he just wasn’t ready for the settle down aspect. He saw you as someone who was too good for him and his insecurities needed to make HIM the one who was the bread winner, the funny one, the whatever you will. Guys panic before they settle down.. heck, we all do. your best bet is to just delete him from your life realizing that this silver medal he went for cant hold the shine to your gold. And when you do delete him and peace out from his life, he’ll send you a “hi how are you” to which YOU DO NOT REPLY.. YOURE WAY BETTER THAN THAT.
You might try analyzing your dream symbols. Start here…
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary
Living with or knowing someone who suffers from depression isn’t easy, but oftentimes it is simply the best thing to keep yourself healthy, happy, and that person he was attracted to. Emotions are contagious so we can lose sight and sort of ‘catch’ this if not careful.
A lot of times men will betray you to protect you. In other words say they found someone else, drop you like a hot brick, it isn’t because they don’t or no longer love you, it is the opposite, because they do.
Some ideas to put into action.
1. Writing/journaling: When you write, you can let go of your feelings. Writing your feelings as they come, writing to the person whom you have anger towards and then burning the letter, and writing short stories.
2. Meditation/prayer: The benefit of meditation and mindfulness for letting go of anger and doing deep emotional work is significant. Learning to focus on the present, shifting your thought to be in your command rather than the other way around, and learning to distract yourself from the past and only go back to it when you are doing self-healing work or thinking of some useful and positive memory.
3. Managing your thoughts: On average about 50-70,000 thoughts go through your mind every day. What you think shapes your emotional response to things. For example, if you see something as being “scary” then you will have a specific emotional response to that thing. If you see the same situation as “different” or a “challenge,” then your emotional response also changes.
4. Behavior modification: Changing your behavior can change your thought. For example, have specific stress-management techniques handy so that you can use them if a stressful situation hits you. These may be things like exercising, dancing, or doing some form of an artistic work or sports you enjoy, in addition to doing meditation, having hobbies, and doing something that takes your mind off of the stress.
5. Creative visualization: Use this technique to release self-imposing and restricting thoughts and burdening emotions from the past.
6. Working on forgiveness: Whether it is self-forgiveness or forgiving others, this is a must-do for any healing to happen. Self-forgiveness usually has to do with letting go of the guilt and shame, and forgiving others has to do with cutting any negative attachment to people and freeing yourself from their influence.
I always find helping someone valuable or volunteering somehow in your community, plenty of people need attention. Reaching out is good therapy. Perhaps fostering a pet would be beneficial.
About a year ago, i met a wonderful man. We fit so well together. We made each other laugh, share the same Christian faith and values, and appreciate old fashioned living. We work at the same place and it was soon obvious to everyone that we care about each other. People warned me though, that he has this crazy list of rules and qualities that must apply to the woman he’ll be with. One rule is against seeing anyone he works with. I was sure this rule would be broken for me because of how he feels for me. Months went by however and mixed signals prevailed. He never asked me out and some days he would be very cool toward me. I finally asked him if i had reason to hope that we would ever be more than friends. He said no, siting his stupid rules and claiming that i got the wrong idea. He said he wasn’t even attracted to me. I am quite a pretty woman. Men stare at me in public. This was clearly a lie. He cares for me very much. Anyone can see this despite what he claims with his words. I have come to find out that he has a very strange relationship with his mother. He is 35, the youngest of three, and the only boy. Neither of his sisters are married either. Apparently their father was very abusive before leaving them and it seems Mommy Dearest feels it necessary to keep all her baby birds in the nest in order to protect herself and them from further pain. This is crazy! My door is still very much open to him because i know if he can see that loving me isn’t a betrayal to his mother, we could all be so happy. This list is a mechanism to keep him from having to admit his fear of what might happen if he steps out on his own. I wish i could explain to his mother that being with me doesn’t have to mean leaving her. He has put me through so much. He has been downright mean in order to drive me away. Recently, he’s seeing that we can be friends. It’s still clear that he feels a lot for me. I pray for the day he and his family see that our love is a blessing, not a threat. I won’t give up yet.
Hope, I know exactly how you feel. I feel this every single second of every single day .
I guess for me it is the loss of a beloved that keeps the door cracked open. I miss him bottom line. I miss our connectedness and our love and especially our laughter. I know I have to move on. I understand this intrinsically. Yet my heart longs to wrap my arms around him and kiss mim and tell him how important he is to me. This is the 2nd time he has cut off all contact and I fear it will be the last. I am grateful for this site and your stories. I wish I had found it sooner as I may have been able to react more effectively. Now I can’t even apologize as he interprets everythingI say as poisonous and toxic He claims I broke him and he can’t ever be well with me. I know that is not true but it cuts to the core none the less. This web site is invaluable. Thanks you everyone who contributes.
Something just won’t let us give up huh? I doubt that you’ve done anything wrong and need to apologize. I pray everything works out for you.
Thank you. He has been vicious for the past many months. I saw him for the first time since may 2 weeks ago and he projected all his bad acts onto me. Told me I closed the door on our relationship, I was never there for him, I was needy and depressing. Yikes he is the most needy and depressing person I know. So yes I am moving on. Yes it sucks. Yes I miss him. Yes I love him. But he doesn’t own his illness or his bad acts. I am worthy and deserving of a mature and responsible partner. He is not that. I love him. I forgive him. I miss him. I wish he would get well and come home. I just don’t think he actually will.
Gee,I feel I’m reading my life through all your stories! I honestly thought I was the only one going through this. my husband left me over a year ago and I’ve left the door open also…he has a girlfriend but won’t be honest with me about it.I’ve also decided to not call,text,write. Any more letters etc…he never responded to any of them. we should already be divorced but have a substantial property settlement.I told him to do it, get appraisels put house up for sale etc…because I didn’t want the divorce..he hasn’t moved on anything,what’s your take on this.what is he thinking? is this false hope on my part?
It must be this winter vortex…
2 years ago I reconnected with a high school friend on facebook. We knew each other back then but weren’t very close. In fact, he had dated 2 of my dear friends back then. Anyway, flash forward 20 years and there we were chatting and joking online, getting to know one another and both wondering…what if?
I had recently broken up with an ex and he and I were discussing what had happened when he decided to share with me that his wife of a year and a half had come home and told him that she thought she had wanted to be married but she didn’t love him and never did! She had 3 boys of her own that he had been helping to raise during the time that they were married. He took care of them while she finished nursing school, etc. He was also finishing up school to make a career move. He was in a band that was pretty successful locally and had even played out in CA a few places. After she ended things he decided to move back home after he graduated. He wanted to be around family.
He moved back home on my birthday weekend January 2012. He invited anyone that wanted to hang out the following weekend to celebrate his homecoming. I went. There were 3 other girls who showed up. One was a very dear friend of his who he’d known since he was a kid. Another, my old friend from high school that he had dated (you know, the girl who was infatuated at 17, dumped and pining over whether or not she could get him back because she was “in love”. Yeah, still wondering and pining apparently!) and her friend for support. So, the 5 of us hung out all night, had some drinks, talked, laughed, sang along with the jukebox…had a blast! That night, he had offered for me to stay at his Aunt’s house on the couch because I had an hour and half drive home and he (nor I) wanted me to have to drive home after drinking. When we got to his Aunt’s he stopped me outside the car and said, “what if I told you that I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night?” To which I relied, “what are you waiting for?” So, he did. It was nice. He asked me out the following weekend and we continued to date while he was looking for an apartment in the city where I lived and a job. Everything was wonderful. He was attentive, affectionate, fun and we were officially a couple. Then, Feb 14, 2014 happened…I started noticing that he was beginning to back off a bit. The cute texts stopped coming as frequently, he stopped saying he missed me, little things, in my mind, at the time, the kind of stuff you expect will dwindle a bit as the newness of a relationship wears off. We continued dating and getting to know each other. During this time, I found out that his marriage had only been over for 4 months when we started dating. I also found out that it was not his first marriage. He had been married out of college for 7 years. She also walked out on him. I found out that his father abandoned him and his mother when he was a young boy. Also, when his mother remarried she and her new husband was preoccupied with an ill child of his that lived in another state so they traveled quite a bit which left my boyfriend to live with an Aunt. Even after the traveling subsided they decided it was best for him to stay there. I also found out that his mother had told him that she never wanted him. His Aunt became very ill with cancer and passed away. His whole life has been one abandonment after the next. After 18 months, I suggested that maybe we get a place together since we were discussing a future together anyway and it would save us some money. Well, apparently, during the first 18 months we were dating, he was closing up more and more inwardly. I noticed but I thought that if we talked about it we could work through it. 20 months in, We talked, he was realizing that he had a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship and this was the first time he had lived alone for years. He wasn’t sure about moving in together. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted. He didn’t want to break up but he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He did realize that he had been feeling depressed and that he’d lost interest in a lot of the things he used to love, including playing guitar. Okay. I texted him the following day and heard nothing back from him. In fact, I heard nothing for 3 days! This was extremely out of character and actually caused me to wonder if something serious had happened to him or his step father, who, by the way, had been very sick, had to have surgery and was having trouble recovering…also causing my bf stress. I went to his house only to find out that he hadn’t texted because he just didn’t know what to say. He had been thinking a lot about what I said to him. About not being able to say I love you, not wanting to move in, etc. We talked again. I asked if he ws break ing up with me and he looked as if I had punched him in the gut. He said no. So we talked and continued to date and things seemed to get a little better. I told him that I wasn’t rushing him and if he needed to work through some stuff then I was okay with that. I just wanted to check in on occasion to see where we were. That was November 2013. January 22, 2014, he came to my house and told me that he just wasn’t feeling anything for me. I asked him if he was feeling anything at all. He said not really. He didn’t know if it was the depression or if he just didn’t love me that way. Fine, we decided to break up and he decided to go to therapy. We still talked on the phone, texted, even hung out once a week. Everything was a fine as it could be even though I was hurting. And, I would usually end up tearing up at least once while we were hanging out. He knew I was transitioning and said it was fine. His new was scheduled to play the Hard Rock on Feb 21. I had a ticket. We were supposed to go to a show the following night that we had paid $70 each for and he was moving to his new apartment that weekend so I had taken the weekend off to help with that. Well, on Feb 15, the texts stopped coming again. He promised he would never do this to me again…I sent him a text on the 20 to ask for my tickets for both shows, then, I called that night. He called back and said he had my tickets and would drop them off after work the 21. Then he told me that he needed to disappear for a while. That it had nothing to do with me but he needed to work through some things. And he has. I know he has baggage to deal with and that his illness is real. I suffer from depression myself. It just hurts so badly to know that I can’t do anything to help him or fix the situation. It’s so hard to understand how he can say that he really cares about me and then cut me off. I realize he says it’s only temporary and that when all is said and done there still may be a chance for us. I should be happy that he’s willing to take the time to go to therapy and work through things and that he cared enough to be honest with me and that he didn’t want to lead me on when he’s really uncertain of what he even wants. Why does is have to be so difficult?
I think for many of us, the door is still open because we accept that to a certain extent, this was an unforseen illness that has affected someone we love.
If my partner got diabetes, or gout, or Parkinson’s or some other disease or disorder that might in some ways cause a life change and adaption for me, would I leave him?
I suppose at a point, the level of adaption and compromise on account of an illness or ailment sometimes becomes more than a partner is willing to accept in any of these cases. But for a lot os of we can find compassion and acceptance that our loved ones didn’t bring this condition upon themselves and we feel obliged to be supportive of them as they muddle through it.
Perhaps, the support and aid we continue to lend enables our loved ones to stay in the throes of depression longer or indefinitely, but to a loving person the alternative of turning your back on an ill loved on is unthinkable, unless you have a sound sense that turning away from them is the only way to help them.
I am not sure in all cases if that is true, maybe so. It is a hard pill to swallow, that is for certain.
Well said. I just made another post about this. I finally had to walk but everything you said is true. You hold on and help them because they are sick and ill. But unlike cancer or a physical illness the mental illness can change the SOUL of the DP and I think that’s the difference. And when the soul changes, at least with my DO, I lost him. He became a different man. I’d remind him that this wasn’t him. That he could beat this. Eventually he went from crying when I said it to screaming at me . I beat myself up all the time thinking I did the wrong things. I said too much. Too little. Did too much. Too little. What if I had x y and z? Seriously I’ve driven myself mad over it. I feel guilty. Helpless to help. But I echo your well stated emotions. It’s hard to walk away from someone sick but if we stay are we just enabling them? I finally walked but I worry and pray for him daily. And I am quite sure I’ll always miss him.
My husband of three months left yesterday. This isn’t the first time either. He left for five days three weeks into our marriage. His reason is he is not happy here. Over the last month his behaviour has mirrored your posts on depressed men. Come to think of it his behaviour has always mirrored these posts.
It’s easier this time around but I’m still dying inside. I haven’t told my kids yet and i would rather die than do this again. Your post helps me make sense of all this but they also have destroyed my hope for his permanent return. I know in my heart now he will never realize his depression and will continue this pattern for the rest of his life.
What you say in”why is the door always open” is true-it is one less reality to face. He has caused me and my children so much pain in the short time he has been in our life. At the same time my heart remains open if not the door. If he came to me and admitted he has a problem and asked me for a third chance and started the recovery process I would stand by his side. It would take a long time for the door to be open though.
Thanks for your insight.
I met the guy of my dreams 9 months ago today. We’ve both been through some very difficult relationships – both been left and cheated on, etc. We thought we’d finally found each other. I always joked about us being old together and that I would have to be the one to die first in old age because I would miss him too much. The whole relationship was so lovely. We always held hands. We spoke every day throughout the day, all day. He always said he loved me, xoxo’s, bought me little love tokens, etc. It was sweet. 5 weeks ago, his father who’d been suffering from lung cancer (whom he had a very severed relationship with due to abandonment when he was a kid, but my ex was trying his best to be there)took a turn for the worst. I suggested that he go over there as quickly as possible, as he might not have a chance to say goodbye otherwise. He did and he helped his father the last week of his life. He saw his dad suffer a great deal, but he never got what he wanted, that resolution. His dad. He called me throughout, with updates, to unload, etc. He wanted to come home for a couple of days (his dad lives in another state) for some ‘normalcy’ before heading back to deal with the aftermath. He really wanted to come straight to me before he headed to his own house. He asked me to go with him and his son to the funeral, etc. for support and I went, in a heartbeat. It was difficult. I saw him start to shut down. His relationship with his step and half brothers is chaotic, but family nonetheless. After the funeral we headed back home, where Christmas awaited us 3 days from then. It was more chaos, it was busy, it was a whirlwind of having to do last minute shopping, wrapping, hosting dinner, etc. 3 days after Christmas he decided very impulsively to quit smoking. He warned that he’d probably be a not so nice person for the next few weeks. Between Christmas and New Year’s he became more distant, detached, numb, sad…A couple days later I noticed that our online communication was a little different, not as warm, etc. That night I asked him if everything was ok, if he wanted space to himself that weekend, I was more than happy not to go to his place for the weekend if he just wanted to be by himself. He said he had a lot things in his head, a lot of things were coming up. I had him call me to clarify a few other cryptic things he said in text and he just said it, with no hesitation…I don’t think my heart feels as strongly as yours does for mine. I’ve tried so hard to feel ‘passionately in love’ with you but that should just happen on its own. (I WAS IN SHOCK) He doesn’t feel ‘in love’ with me. He thinks I’m amazing, caring, supportive, the most amazing woman he’s ever met but he can’t feel that ‘passionately in love’ piece that he once felt. (Who does after nine months???) I asked how long he’d been feeling this way and he said 4-5 weeks (basically 1 week before his dad took a turn for the worst.) That was that. He’s shut the door. The person I once knew is gone. What I’m hearing does not match what he was like. At all. He bought me a vintage typewriter for Christmas (I’d once said it would be fun to have so that I could type him love letters) that he carefully researched. 4 weeks prior had bought me a sterling silver antique spoon that was stamped “I love you more than coffee”. 5 weeks prior had said in a text “When are you coming over? Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever. I had a bad dream that you broke up with me and I woke up all sad.” See what I mean??? I just doesn’t make sense. But he just turned that switch off. He told his neighbor that he thought I was amazing but didn’t want to screw up my life. He also said that I could be the perfect woman for him but he honestly didn’t feel ‘in love’ and no once could force him to feel that. I’m so confused. I’m so HURT and SHOCKED. I miss him like crazy. I failed to mention that he’d been on anti-depressants when we first started going out. He’d been on a pretty high dose of Lexapro for 2+ years. He decided to stop taking them cold turkey 4-5 months into our relationship claiming he felt better and that he wanted things to function a little bit better ‘down there’, which had been impacted due to the meds. I need advice.
I would say the biggest detail here is the discontinuation of the meds.
I’m not sure if my situation is a hopeless one, but i’ve always been somewhat of an optimistic person. My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. He said he didn’t feel in love anymore and he wasn’t happy. Hasnt been since september. He said it had nothing to do with me, but it was him. He regrets his decision but said it had to be this way. Now.. my ex has suffered from depression in his past. In his teens, he resorted to cutting himself. About a year before he met me, he was addicted to pain killers. When he met me however, he changed. He was happier. Didn’t lash out as much as he used to. We had even planned on getting married and having a family. We adopted a dog together (lives with him). There was a point when he did start feeling down in our relationship. That was when he was held out of work for two months for an accident. But when he started work again, he seemed his happy self. My ex is also very into bodybuilding. Twice in our relationship, he cycled pro hormones. It basically killed his sex drive. He did his last cycle in August, and when he finished, and his sex drive didn’t return, I assumed it was just the drugs. I started to notice that he didn’t say I love you as much anymore. Even though he would always tell me he needed me. I guess I just put it all aside. A few days before he broke up with me, he seemed completely normal. He asked me to come over, so I did. We cuddled in bed and he made love to me. So when he broke up with me, I was so confused. I started thinking, maybe it was the steroids. He finally got his hands on the real stuff, and started cycling it about a month before the break up. I’m sure the steroids had something to do with the break up. Most likely enhanced what he was feeling, making it easier for him to walk away. He was so angry during the break up. Started blaming me for ruining his life, but blaming himself for ruining my life. It’s been three weeks since I talked to him. He stopped the steroids, and has since gotten less angry according to his mom. But now he is smoking marijuana. And I know he is doing it because he doesn’t want to feel anything. Doesn’t want to come to terms with everything that happened. Now I’m left wondering what to do. He needs to face reality. And I do love him very much and want him to get better.
I had been with my BF for nearly a year, the first 3 months as friends getting re-acquainted after years apart. He was separated from his wife with no going back. We had feelings for each other and when i thought he was ready we gave it a shot. It was all good and kept re-assuring me of what we had and so we continued the relationship. because at first I was emotionally distant from him but i was just being careful. AS we went further in, I saw him change, age, stress, anxiety and depression set in. The beginnings of divorce and the realization this is happening. I saw something had died in him. I started to feel it was me i wasn’t making him happy anymore. He put obstacles up and we became a struggle in his eyes. He sought help after admitting and through his tears he does have too many issues to talk about but needs to go see someone. I was so proud of him that he found the courage and strength to do this. I stayed supportive and sought help for myself (which he did not know i was doing). However, i think it all go too much for him, suddenly i needed him to support me, I was transitioning jobs and homes, living arrangements for me was not ideal. He didn’t have it in to support me and didn’t want that responsibility after everything he was going through. I know he cared and loved me very deeply and I knew him better than he knew himself, which scared him. He went cold on me, I could see it was killing him that we were falling apart. Through tears he told me he couldn’t commit to the relationship i deserved and didn’t feel anything for me anymore. I was shattered to hear that, I told him OK i will step back from us so he can focus on him and work out what he wants. Because I did not want to force him to have a relationship with me and we end up hating each other. It was not less than a week he started dating someone else and is now in relationship with her. It has only been 2 months. It hurts because i gave and showed him love, tenderness, compassion, unconditional love but when I needed that he took the easy option of finding someone who was already established in steady career and owned a house because his life was a mess and needed that comfort and stability. He couldn’t wait and stick by me, like i did with him. We were texting at low level but now it’s like I no longer exist to him and that we never happened. I had to go and collect my things from his old place after he vacated because he couldn’t do the right thing and return them.
I am a man.
Many say I “suffer from depression”…
the truth is, I suffer from pathological anger.
I have been lied to, cheated on, had my possessions destroyed by carelessness, been taken for granted, sacrificed my hobbies, enjoyment, and personal space; been dumped for rich guys, been dumped for macho guys, had dates walk out on me because I drove an old-dilapidated truck. I have been ignored and treated like furniture or a fashion accessory. I have been manipulated, and had sex doled-out like a dog biscuit. I have had my home invaded and taken-over as if I didn’t exist. I have been told that I should live in my man-cave in the basement like all the other men. I have pleaded for my significant-others to go do things with me that I’m interested in. I have tried to break the vapid discussion of nail salons with thoughtful conversations regarding the course of mankind. I have been repeatedly ignored when answering the same question for umpteen times. I have requested that my possessions be treated with respect, over, and over. I have spent my hard-earned money on women who were more than happy to accept the favors and lead me on, while only biding their time for more promising prospects. I have been castigated for holding doors open.
But, I have always lived my life with passion.
I was divorced with kids and working 60 hours a week by the time I was 25. I was earning over $60k/yr. by the time I was 30. I have lived with 8 women, and been madly in love infinite times, and had my heart ripped out one less time than that… I have had over 25 different jobs…
Many times I have stayed out all night dancing till 6AM. Many weekends I have stayed in bed screwing all day. I have gone up and done aerobatics in airplanes, ridden in balloons, ridden motorcycles, jet-skied, camped, snorkeled, deep sea fished, sailed in catamarans, played volleyball, trained in martial arts, I wrote poetry, built furniture, am an excellent artist and cook, I am an excellent auto mechanic because I am an engineer… when I was in my 30’s and went back to school, young women invited themselves to my place to “study”, and I have had sex with too many women to remember their names and faces… I used to bicycle 20 miles every day before dinner, and when I was flat-broke, I would run 3 miles every night after school. I have lost everything, three times…
The happiest I have ever been in my entire life was when I finally emotionally recovered from my divorce, was dirt-poor, working two jobs, and was living alone, with only a drafting board, an exercise machine, a reading lamp, a bookshelf, a recliner, a mattress on the floor, and was driving a rusted-out and broken-down pickup truck. I have never felt more alive.
Now, I have a nice car, a 2800 sq. ft. house, and have worked my way to the threshold of a 6-figure salary, nice furnishings, nice clothes, and the same live-in girlfriend for over ten years who is honest, loyal, mellow-tempered, self-reliant, and makes more money than I do. I have never been more miserable.
We have no life together. Her entertainment consists of dinners in fancy restaurants, going to movies, watching TV, traveling, and reading… she lives vicariously, she risks nothing, she prefers things she can sit around and talk to other people about as she holds a glass of red wine in her hand.
I am tired of telling her the same things over and over without her remembering. I’m tired of things that I have sold my life to obtain being abused. I’m tired of her disorderly and careless habits wasting the one life God has given me. I am tired of dragging her to do things she doesn’t want to do. I am tired of her not valuing those aspects of the very core of who I am. I’m tired of her taking no interest in those things that are precious to me. She lives life at the edge of unconsciousness, on autopilot, totally detached from the world around her, predominately unaware of what goes on around her.
Night after night I sit next to her, numb, staring at the TV.
Sometimes, we make a big ordeal out of “going out” and she dances two songs and we are done. I have no passion for her, she has bad breath because she eats garlic constantly, “it’s good for your cholesterol.” She has bad feminine odor, bad flatulence, and has let herself go because she is lazy and unkempt from living a privileged life. Exercise for her is pulling weeds, or making a show doing yoga in front of the TV. She is sexually inhibited and prude, she is incapable of using the term “tits” or “boobs”.
Her cooking is terrible, because it suits her, and she doesn’t really care if anybody else likes it. I have not time or desire for any of my former hobbies because we are now both unemployed, and all the money I’m willing to spend is for maintenance on the house that is consuming my soul. A house I bought so she would be happy, a house that she stood in the doorway of and cried when we moved in. I am so emotionally drained that I have nothing left for my lifelong creative hobbies. The only emotion I feel these days, if at all, is unfocused, un-directed, anger.
Life has become a bland, boring, water torture.
Three miles away, there is a beautiful widow who is 20 years my younger. She thinks I’m dashing, brilliant, and hilarious, and I think she’s gorgeous, sexy, ambitious, and funny. She has three beautiful kids that are brilliant and hard-working, like her. She loves the outdoors and does a lot of the hobbies and sports that I once did. She loves my house and still mentions it occasionally.
I can easily picture me stepping into their lives and giving the children a father, giving her a husband who respects her and treats her like she deserves. Someone who understands her difficult life because he has lived it himself, is not scared of it, and is willing to be a partner that helps her through it, believing that having a partner to work with me in this adventure of life is worth more than all the money and comfort in the world. I stumbled across a description of “My Dream Girl” that I wrote back in 1986… this young lady fits that description to a “T”. “Ain’t it hard to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along…”
Pride is a painful burden.
When we love someone, we place their well-being ahead of our own, and their happiness becomes more important than our own. For a while, the end of a relationship can be concealed from a numb and self-absorbed partner, and they may remain happy. But, sooner or later, a person who truly loves their partner may still realize that staying in a relationship they no longer want is still, also toxic for the unconscious one. Sometimes, doing what is in the long-term best interest of someone you love too much to hurt, requires hurting them anyway. If we love someone, we realize that it is more important that they be ultimately happy… than that they be specifically happy only with us. If you love them, let them go, let them be happy elsewhere.
In the end, while a wife is sitting in a marriage admiring herself for how wonderful she is to her husband… her husband may be wishing he could be somewhere with a woman who was thinking about him and his needs, priorities, and desires, instead.
Dang, I wish you were my neighbor “three miles away.”
I never had children – not because I didn’t want to, but because I never met the right guy – so rather, I have possessions. Cars, motorcycles, snowboards, “things.” I take very good care of all of it. I’ve always believed that if it’s not yours, you should take even better care of it (rental cars, for instance!) I’m not a frilly girl, as you can probably tell.
I love the outdoors. I’d rather do anything but sit in front of the TV. I’m willing to try almost anything once – “aerobatics in airplanes, snorkeled, deep sea fished, sailed in catamarans, trained in martial arts, built furniture.” I’d like to snorkel and sail more than once. But alas, we are merely virtual pen pals.
Good luck to you, and to me.
Wow…do I have a lot to say…but first, let me test my thread.
I am in a very bad place at the moment trying to come to terms with my partner ending our relationship after 20 months suddenly.
We were very happy told each how much we loved each other everyday. We didn’t live together and this was part of the problem for him. He had been divorced for 3 years but was still sorting finances out with his ex. All his money was in the large family home he once shared with her and his daughter. The ex didn’t want to sell the house so they are going to court. This has been very draining for him as he is living with his parents and feels ashamed to be a man in his 40s living with his parents. I have always reassured him that things would get better and it doesn’t matter where he lived as long as we are together. He said I made him very happy and wanted to grow old with me, and talked about looking at living together one day when everything was settled with his ex.
One night he asked to see me, he told me he can’t do it anymore. I deserved better than him, he loved me but hated the fact he couldn’t offer me anything. I told him I don’t want anything only him. He wouldn’t change his mind.
He now won’t communicate with me, I have seen him once since the split 6 weeks ago and he couldn’t look me in the face.
Now to make matters worse I have found out I’m pregnant. I have told him, and a week later he responded by saying he can’t speak to me about it but will support me with whatever my decision. How he can support some he can’t look at let along speak to I don’t know.
Is he suffering with depression? I love him so much even after he turned his back on me.
I would appreciate any thoughts or shared experiences anyone can share-thank you!
Hi everyone,
In August my husband moved out. He has suffered from depression his whole life. We have been together for 18 years, lived together for 12 and have been married for 7. We have been through many struggles. I have always felt that his depression has been a barrier to our intimacy. Which unfortunately caused me to put up some barriers of my own. Thus, we struggled. We both love one another very much but in the past year he has just gotten further and further away from me. Without any discussion of the need for a separation, I came home one morning after walking the dog, to find him packing boxes and telling me he was moving out.
We have had conversations about our struggles and never came to any solutions. We tired to have children in 2010 and I found out I cannot. That threw him into a major depression by 2011. So badly that he told me that his life will have no meaning unless he has a child of his own with his own wife and since I couldn’t give him that he would have to find someone new with whom to make a family. I told him that if that is how he felt, he needed to find a new place to live. He decided he didn’t want to leave me, and stayed. He started medication and we went to counseling together for a year. He went off his meds after 6 months and within the year he moved out of our room and became more and more withdrawn. He has told me he has been suicidal on two occasions since 2011. He also expressed suicidal thoughts in high school. He has never shown any angry behaviors as described.
He does not want to be on medication and has told me this is “just the way he is” and that because of that we just aren’t good for each other. Many times he has said ” I just want to be happy”. Before he was diagnosed (in 2007) I always took it to heart that I was making him unhappy.
When he left he told me he just needed to end the pain. Since then he has told me he still loves me and doesn’t want to waste the last 18 years of our loves. He moved 4 miles away so he could ” be here if I needed him”. He said I can still have contact with him. He is still paying his half of the expenses on our home.
I am heartbroken and confused. I really don’t think he is ever coming back. He started counseling and told me he wants to include me at some point. He leaves the door open just enough to give me a spark of hope.
This site has been very helpful to me. Thank you to all who have posted. I love my husband but I don’t know that I will have a chance to love him again. This all makes me very, very sad.
Hi there,
My husband and I have been together for 17 years and we have 3 small children. Like most people I thought we had a great relationship. Friends and family even commented that we have the “perfect” relationship, I believed it too.
Until last year my husband picked up a new hobby. I supported him and went with him because it was also our “date night”. But he became so obsessed with it that he started pushing me away. Cracks started to show in our relationship but I tried to ignore it and pulled inside myself more. Communication, trust and honesty just went out the door. My husband always had a roving eye and enjoyed his porn, but I turned a blind eye because I trusted him. I would complain about it sometimes and he just became more secretive. There was never anything wrong with our sex life because I have given him every fantasy he has ever had.
In June we were still ok, I had a nagging feeling that we need to sort out our problems but didn’t know how to. In July it all changed. He became angry, stayed away late from work. I would ask him what’s wrong and what I can do and if we are still ok. He would only reply that he is stressed at work and finances but it would sort itself out and he will be ok. In early August he dropped the bomb to say he is depressed and things need to start to change.
I tried to help him to get help but he only pulled away further and further, staying away and not coming home anymore. In September I found out he is seeing someone else, they work together. She is 21 and he is 37. I think this has been going on since July. He has moved out of the house but says he sleeps at the office, I don’t believe him. As I can figure out it started as an emotional affair. I asked him if they are having sex but he said: “No, not in that context”. He is adamant that it is over between us and he sees a future with her. But he has yet not asked for a divorce.
He is slipping further and further away from me. He ignores my calls and texts unless it’s about the kids or money. I think he is falling in love with her more and more. I used to be overweight after I had the kids but I,m only skin and bones now. All the weight I’ve lost will take other people a year to lose, it took me a month and a half. I have also only been sleeping about 3 hours in 3 days. I have never been in such an emotional turmoil and have thought of ending my life but I could never do that to my kids. I love them too much. It took a wake up call from my mother to make me see what I was doing. I was neglecting myself and my children over this obsession over my husband to get him back.
I’m not very religious but I started talking to God. And yes I’ve also had my fights with Him because He didn’t want to do what I was asking Him to do. Slowly but surely, I’m getting better, I’m eating again and the Lord is working through me while I’m sleeping. I was ready to tell my husband on Monday that I want a divorce, but all the things that came out of my mouth was just wrong and my husband fled out of the house angry before I could tell him. Of course I raged with God of how could He put words in my mouth to anger my husband and push him further away. On Tuesday it became clear to me that God meant for me to hold my tongue over the divorce. He made me realise that we made a vow before Him , for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He is sick right now, and I know that he would’ve done the same with me if I was sick. I’m still confused over what I must do, what I must say anymore. I’m seeing my husband today and am very nervous to open my mouth but God has told me last night to be still and calm now. To leave it in His hands now. He will show me the way. I strongly believe in our Lord Jesus Christ right now. He is our Saviour and we must put our trust in Him. My door will always be open for Him and him. Amen.
I feel for you and your situation. A 21 year old doesn’t know life and he is making a huge mistake. Do please take care of yourself and continue to put this in Gods hands. This husband of yours is very lost.
Hi Angie
Thank you for the encouragement. I have yet to see my husband. Everytime I feel sad and hopeless, I grab my Bible and feel an instant calm coming over me. I’m taking one step at a time. I am in therapy myself and making plans for me and our kids’ future. It’s going to be difficult for me on Saturday because it’s our 11th wedding anniversary but I’m sure God will carry me through the day. I am staying positive and decided to be positive towards my husband because nothing else works anyways. I’m taking each day as it comes and waiting patiently for God to do His work in my husband.
H
Wow….you almost told my situation word for word! My husband and I have no kids together,but he has a grown son and I have a grown daughter. he was married 3 times before we hooked up and he was only 35…we married and were married 23 yrs.I had been married once before also. it was a mistake from the beginning but was in that marriage 13 yrs.when my current husband and I met it was magic,at least I thought so. he started changing about 5 yrs.ago at least that’s when I started to see changes.some of the changes were my fault. I know I took a lot for granted but I thought we were OK. we were best friends above everything,again at least I thought. I found some things,high heels,stockings,women’s clothing in his man cave he thought were well hidden. He denied any wrong doing,then he said it was his fantasy to wear these things. the show size made me believe it may be true… Size 11 is pretty big for a woman,and he wears a 10 and a half. don’t know if he was bringing women in when I was gone or I’d he was wearing this stuff..what do you think…either way I think its sick
This is a very good article, especially in my case. My partner of 4 years is going through depression and he have hit the very bottom of it recently. Now he feels too much pressure from the relationship, he feel that because he can’t respond to me emotionally he owes me and its the pressure that drives him even more deeper into depression as he feel hes incapable of love or a relationship. Today we finally had another talk. And i have to say, thank god, he have accepted that he need professional help. While i assured him that i am completely aware of his loss in the ability to feel. I will give him the space he need, but i will be here to help and support and i am okay with that. He said that knowing now that i am ok, have lifted a huge weight off his chest. I guess like all women, i have hope. It was so much happiness then suddenly that man’s gone. There’s no word to describe how hard it is, but he has not given me the final words of ending the relationship, and with him now going to get help. I can only pray that we will see the end of this, together.
My husband and I are retired educators and have been married over 30 years. We have grown apart and become best friends instead of lovers. A great deal of traumatic events have led up to this. I went into exploratory surgery for possible ovarian cancer in 1997. It was just supposed to be an endoscopy and my family was well aware that I did not want a hysterectomy. By the way, this all happened a little less than a year after I lost my 59 year-old mom to Alzheimer’s Disease. Her illness was very depressing and difficult for me. (I am now the age she was when she got the disease.)
Anyway, when the doctor looked in with the endoscopy, he found endometriosis and while I was still under anesthesia , he talked to my husband and had him sign for the complete hysterectomy. That is when my libido plummeted, despite several types of Hormone Replacement Therapy. Well, actually, my libido had lessened during the illness and death of my mom, too. I was pretty resentful of the hysterectomy because it truly was not necessary. I was in no pain, but the doctor convinced my husband to sign for it.
Then, out oldest child (teen) began having problems with depression and OCD. He became difficult to deal with and was hospitalized in a treatment facility by his psychiatrist. After our son began college, we discovered that he was not attending classes and had begun using marijuana regularly, taking prescriptions drugs and drinking excessively. After about 8 years of on and off supporting him and kicking him out, his therapy has helped him stop using any drugs and stop drinking entirely. But those years of his addictions were very difficult for my husband and me and caused us extreme stress.
The last three years of my teaching career were extremely stressful for me and I had to take Zoloft to get through it. I developed high blood pressure from the stress and had to be hospitalized. The Zoloft worked for me and I was weaned off of it.
I became very distrustful of him and our relationship when during my 3 year depression due to a rumor about a supposed affair between him and a co-worker. I wanted to believe him when he said it wasn’t true, and we even sat down with the woman together and talked about it. She was a teacher’s aid at the school where he taught and he had even taught her when she was younger. The two of them were assigned duties at school where they had to supervise children together. She was close friends with the teacher’s aid in my husband’s classroom and hung out in there with her a lot. So, the situations at work placed them in the same places at times. This was a very unstable woman who had a reputation of always needing drama in he life, and she was married with two children. We later found out that she had been telling people she was having an affair with him.
I just about lost it when all this occurred and my husband got so despondent that he left me overnight and called and said he would only return if I told him I believed him. I never had the chance to process the entire situation and have felt that he controlled me and bullied me into saying something to him that I wasn’t ready to say…or feel. This was the very week of our younger son’s graduation and I felt like I had to say those words to avoid ruining our son’s graduation.
I think I have harbored resentment about this for years and have also had doubt because I wasn’t able to process it at the time.
Now, my husband is very depressed and is staying at his parents’ house. We are expecting our first grandchild this spring and I am thrilled and he is not. Says he doesn’t want to be a grandfather because he says he does not want to get old. He runs for long periods of time. He works out at the gym for hours and hours (like maybe 4) and he has lost weight. His normal weight is around 190 because he is very muscular and in good shape, but now weighs around 170. He has stopped eating hardly anything at all and is losing a ton of calories that he is not replacing. He started losing his hair a few years ago and is extremely sensitive about that. Very sensitive.
He says I have pushed him away for years and that he doesn’t feel connected to our home anymore. He says he feels like his universe has shifted. He says his dog doesn’t love him anymore. He looks terrible and too thin. He has this sadness in his eyes and can barely walk around, but runs a 5K every weekend.
We have an appointment on Monday to see a marriage counselor and he has an appointment Tuesday to see a psychiatrist (the one who treated our son.) I don’t know what else to do next.
Firstly, everything I say comes from a good place and if it sounds harsh I apologize, but in my life I have found that dealing with depression is a harsh reality. I ended a six year relationship 2 months ago. We had the ‘honeymoon’ period for the first couple of years, but my partner suffered depression for the majority of those years but I chose to blinker myself to it, to make allowances. Withdrawal, abandonment, exclusion, refusal to socialize with me, interact with me and no sexual intimacy for 2 years were ‘normal’. Last year was the biggest/longest episode. Fine in the morning, normal chit chat, plans for him to call over that night and then ? No contact for six months, no word, no text, no phone call, no email no answer,(from him) but plenty of tears, anger, worry, frustration, begging, pleading, bribing, threatening (from me). Then he came back and things were ‘good’. Then 2 months ago he snuck out of my house at 5 a.m. not be heard of for 2 weeks. He came back again, no apologies, no acknowledgement of the pain and grief he had caused me and something clicked in my head and I realized that there was NOTHING that I could do. That I was hanging on to something that was good a long time ago but right now in reality wasn’t there. I have a long history with depression. My mother suffered from clinical depression her whole life. My Dad is my hero. He did his best to shield me as best he could but you can’t shield anyone in the orbit of depression. One thing I learned from him was not to put your life on hold. To get out and do things that make YOU happy and to not put your happiness into the hands of someone else. I ignored this life lesson for six years, possibly because I always felt guilty because of my mum’s depression and now here I was in a relationship as an adult in the exact same situation. Hard lesson learned. I cannot fix anyone. I had a huge need to be needed and my depressed partner fulfilled those needs for me. That was how I learned what ‘love’ was from my mum. Her withdrawal and indifference to me made me want to make her happy, to fix her. When it didn’t work I felt guilty and blamed myself. I was a kid then with no choice. Here I am, an adult with a choice repeating the exact same patterns. The big break of six months devastated me. the last break made me actually for once look at myself, my own needs, my own thoughts and it made me strong.
When my partner walked out 2 months ago and then came back I told him that this wasn’t something that I could handle. this was not the kind of relationship that I needed to fulfill myself and that if I stayed in the relationship I would only ending up resenting and probably eventually hating him. I wished him all the best, told him I would always be there if he needed to talk, but I couldn’t be his crutch/scapegoat anymore. We have parted with love in our hearts for each other but an understanding that we can’t continue. My partner refuses to get treatment and for that I am truly sad but my own self and my own happiness must take precedence
I guess what I’m trying to say is ‘the door is always open’ because, particularly women, we love to nuture, to help, to fix. For me it was also guilt and a fear of being on my own. I sat down and thought about being alone and I realized that there is probably nothing than can make me unhappier than the constant withdrawal, rejection and exclusion being thrust upon me by my (ex)partner. I think when someone reacts by withdrawing, you need to grieve your relationship, take stock and invest in yourself. Depression is a fiercely selfish illness! But I needed to make my happiness MY selfish need. And I have and I have grieved, took stock and stood up and very gently closed the door.
Thanks for writing this, hard truths and all. It’s a reality I’ve had to acknowledge in the last couple months and as difficult as it is to accept, I know that closing the door is the best thing I could do for myself.
Best wishes as you continue to focus on yourself and start to enjoy living again.
Cecily
Thank you for writing this. I hope I can have the inner strength to gently close that door if need be..
VG you are probably a lot stronger than you realise. You need inner strength whilst trying to support someone suffering with depression and when you turn the focus and that strength on to yourself you’ll see.
Keep strong and keep the faith <3
And to you Cecily. It is possibly the hardest decision ever to make but as long as it is the best decision for you then you know its the right one. Its not easy, but every day gets a little brighter and the load a little bit lighter.
Keep strong and keep the faith <3
My partner (ex) and I were together for over a year and a half. I knew he suffered from depression although he would never talk about it. He always used the brave face option. I had never clicked with anyone the way I did with him. He was funny, kind and considerate. He had a lot of money worries and lost his job. He drank a fair bit as it helped him cope and get some sleep. Every now and again he would go into moods where he would say something nasty but this was seldom rather than the norm. He had a bereavement a couple of months ago and we seemed to get closer than ever for a while. Then out of the blue he sent me a message saying his heart wasn’t in it and he had to change his life and that he had to do it alone but maybe we could be friends. That was about a month ago. He initially ignored any texts then started replying to the occasional one and now we are back to no contact atall from him. My problem is this … I love him. But as each day goes on my self esteem gets lower and lower. I want to be there for him but he has shut me out of his life. I tried to keep contact with little messages saying I hoped he was out enjoying the sunshine etc but he stopped replying. After a while I sent him a message that I felt like a pest and if he ever wanted a friend he knew where I was but I wouldn’t be sending him any more messages. I cried after sending it as all I want is my old boyfriend back … Not the cold stranger he appears to be now. Guess it’s time for me to try to heal and for him to have alone time. So very sad though.
Angela,
I’m in a similar position to you. I think less contact for a while is best. I have been advised that giving it time. If you like see it as a chance for you both to heal a little possibly a few weeks or another month? and then you can try to have a conversation.
This is my plan at the moment, until i get the chance to have a conversation i will do everything I can to look after myself and try to assume that the relationship really is over. I can’t stop the little dash of hope I have and I don’t think we should try to push that away but maybe see it as just something small.
Let me know how you get on too
I know this was a couple of years ago, but did he ever come back?
Hi John
(or anyone else who has experienced a similar situation and would like to offer support/advice),
I want to thank you first for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences; they have helped to clarify much of what I was going through emotionally and mentally with my depressed partner.
I wanted to ask your thoughts on providing support to an ex-partner who is depressed and not actively seeking help.
I’ll try and give you a short synopsis of my situation. I am currently in a period of no contact with my depressed partner/ex-partner. It has been a month and a half since I last saw him and over a month since we last spoke (I don’t live with him). His last episode ended in a break up. Circumstances brought us together again not long after the breakup and we gave the relationship another go. I had read about the the symptoms and effects of depression during his last no contact episode and considered myself better informed but still did not see the warning signs that another episode was on its way.
About three months later, after giving it another try, our relationship started slipping again; he was often short with me, didn’t initiate intimate contact and I was generally unhappy with our time together. All the warning signs were there but I failed to take notice. Our last conversation ended in an argument. He let me know that he was starting to feel depressed again but did not let me know earlier because he knew I would get mad. (I had threatened leaving him once if he put me through another no contact episode). However, I feel that I was pretty supportive during his last episode; he even described my behaviour as “perfect” during that time. We had a small argument over him pointing out my flaws and me asking how would he like it if I did the same. I told him he should stop acting like a baby and get his life in order (I know, not very nice to hear if you’re depressed). After we ended our phone conversation, that was the last I heard from him. I called about a week later in a frustrated mood and left a message telling him that I didn’t expect to be hearing from him soon and would not hold my breath to hear from him.
I know that I cannot stay in a relationship like this and although I did love him, I’ve rode the emotional roller coaster for too long. Of course, I would love to stay with him and long for the intimate, happy moments we had but they are too few and far between to sustain a healthy relationship.
So, here’s the jist of my question: I’ve made up my mind that I cannot go back to him when or if he makes contact again, but I feel the need to make amends. I also care about him enough that I don’t want him to waste his life this way. He has made it clear before that he doesn’t want to be back on medication and I know that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help. I think he is in quite a bad place right now, I have no way of knowing other than showing up at his doorstep but I don’t want to intrude like that, as I know that solitude is one of his ways of dealing with his depression. Should I write him a letter? Let him know that he’s a great guy, with a lot to offer and not to be to afraid to ask for help if he needs it?
What a frustrating situation to be in, but as bad as it seems for myself, I understand enough about depression to know that it’s much worse for the sufferer.
Any advice would be much appreciated and best wishes to all of you out there dealing with depression in one way or another.
Such a good question. My husband left me with two small children (ages 2 and 4) earlier this summer. He has withdrawn almost completely. He is in counseling and we even tried couples counseling for a little while but he was so totally withdrawn that there was no point anymore. He continues his own counseling for now and sees the children sometimes.
Why is the door open? Well, maybe someday it won’t be. For now, my heart and door remain open because:
– This man who has suddenly left out of the blue is not my husband. When I look at him I see a stranger. I don’t want to be married to this man, this man who has left, but my heart longs for the man I know and who has been my lover, partner, best friend, and co-parent all these years. That is the man to whom my door is always open.
– He is my family.
– I vowed to remain with him in good times and bad and in sickness and in health. He is sick. These times are bad. But they aren’t the entirety of our life together, and they don’t define our marriage and our family.
– I want to treat him the way I would want to be treated if I were as ill as I believe him to be.
– I see his longing to be with our children. I hear about how much pain he’s in. He looks like a hollow person to me, a shell of himself.
– I miss him. We had a wonderful marriage – a great friendship, great comfort together, great sex. Not perfection, nothing shiny and false. And I’m sure there were problems that I didn’t fully appreciate (my anxiety, especially after having children; his inability to ask for what he needed ). But I miss the partner who’s now gone. I miss that marriage and that family and I’m not ready to abandon hope that they can be reclaimed.
I hope (though at the moment I am not hopeful exactly) that our marriage will survive. The door isn’t open, no questions asked, no demands to be made. If we can preserve our marriage, we’ll both need to continue therapy. And we’ll need to be in therapy together so that we can handle things differently. Keeping the door open doesn’t mean excusing the awful behavior and accepting him back without making demands. It just means that I want my family to be together. I know that will take a lot of work, but I just can’t imagine how it couldn’t be worth it.
Oh, and my children. He is their father and he’s a wonderful, wonderful father to them, especially when he’s himself, when he’s not this hollow, sad man. I owe it to my children, who are so small, to help their father, to do everything I can to help him be whole (which for now is almost nothing aside from granting him space, which has been so hard, and I have mostly completely failed) and to leave the door open so that he can come home and make their family whole again with me.
Anon-
You expressed yourself beautifully there and I agree with you whole heartedly. We welcome the return of the people we initially fell in love with, not the return of the unrecognisable shell that left us. There is great difficulty in letting go of the memory of the great man we fell for, in reality the shell of the man is what could be there to stay. We just don’t know. Sometimes hoping for hope is the more painful option. I hope that what is best for you will come to you. Just as I hope the same for me. I miss the man I fell in love with terribly, but the man he is now is not good for me. Nor is the man now good for you.
There is comfort in knowing that others are going through the same thing as me. I makes me much more aware of how common this situation is.
Well said
Hi, Anonymous –
That’s a beautiful statement and wonderful guiding thoughts for keeping the door open. It can’t be easy to reach this balancing of heart and head, and I’m sure it’s not easy to keep it going. But your thinking and feeling pretty much match mine right down the line.
All my best to you and my hope that you can get the man you married back some day.
Thank you for writing this.
John
This absolutely captures my heart and soul. You could have not said it better. My husband ran away just over a year ago after a few months of very strange and troubling behaviour. He left me and my 3 teenage children. He comes and goes on his schedule and we never know who will walk through the door. A man who is withdrawn, a man who is extremely happy or maybe someone we might actually recognize.
I too feel like you – I can’t just close the door. There is a man in there who is desperately trying to feel anything. He is not well. I made a vow to him over 20 years ago to love in sickness and in health. Just because I deserve better does not mean that I give up. It does not define me , him or our marriage or our family. This is just a trial that we have to go through. There has to be a reason for this – maybe growth for both of us. Maybe for him to learn how to like himself, love himself if I dare dream. There has to be something good that will come from all this pain. Do they not say rises from the ashes is the Phoenix. Could this not be true for our husbands, our marriages, for us.
I agree with every statement you made. Please know you are not the only one going through this. I understand. Not many in the real world do though. They want us to move on, let go of the love, the pain and start fresh. They have forgotten what it meant to love, to take a vow to love and honour or they just have never walked this path before.
I find the outside influences hard on me. I believe in me, my husband and the life we were meant to have, not the one it has evolved in.
O my goodness. I can’t believe how many of us is out there… well said my dear. I will keep my door open for the man i fell in love with!
The door is open because it is not us that has left. They left. I am currently going through a very painful situation where my depressed partner ended the relationship and I had no other choice but to move out. The door is open because I believe in his recovery and I believe that love and happiness can be “found” again. I have decided to take a step back from in all in order to heal. I have not closed my door permanently, only to keep out the storm, but there are no locks, chains and bolts on it. I agree with John to a certain extent with regards to communication. Yes this could all have been avoided if we communicated properly but with the nature of depression regardless of what I was saying it was being filtered through ski goggles of a different colour and though massive winter ear muffs. So all the closeness and honestly that i was conveying was being translated as “I am not happy with you. I do not like living with you. It would make me happier if you left me” when in reality what was being said is the total opposite. I miss him dearly and I am dealing with my own grief, abandonment and worries. I long for him to come back, I wish he would. But if I chase it he will run further down into his rabbit hole. My door is not locked, it is pushed over to keep out the tornado that has ripped though it and is circling the perimeter. But there is a door bell, there is a knocker and there is even a key under the mat. I hope they are used. I pray that they are.
Have you ever said that to your partner?
My door is not locked, it is pushed over to keep out the tornado that has ripped though it and is circling the perimeter. But there is a door bell, there is a knocker and there is even a key under the mat.
I really like that..
what a lovely description indeed, it’s perfect.
But i guess thats what’s it like for all of us. While no final word has been given for my own relationship, so im somewhere in the middle. No action have been taken yet to recover what has been lost, its too early for that. But no definite line have been drawn for ending it. And he seemingly agree to still continue to see me and be together. I have taken a step back from being around him as much as i could, as he claims it gave him alot of pressure from not being able to reciprocate love at the moment. So im going to limit communication as much as i could. But i guess for all of us abandoned SOs, the person who hurt us is not the person we devoted ourselves to, and we are in hope that person who ripped our hearts out and left with them will follow his way back home and put our hearts back into that empty hole our chests.
can u give a update on your situation – I’m in same place
“I think, though, that if the closeness and honesty – the learning from each other – had been there, it’s more likely that the man would not lose touch with that”
I was surprised to read the quote from you above John, as it contradicts everything you’ve been saying about depression and why people leave. My boyfriend was trying desperately to let me in and talk about how he was feeling… It was just too much for him to be able to cope with. After a month or two of trying to keep things going with me, he could no longer handle it- knowing he was hurting me all the time.
The closeness was there but that was part of the reason for leaving…
A friend of mine who did a similar thing to his girlfriend told me that he had to end it because being with someone he loved so much and thought so much of and who he thought he didn’t deserve, was too hard. It made him feel even worse about himself. Every time she did something kind, it reminded him of how he was feeling and he felt he didn’t deserve her. It just amplified the pain he felt by having her in his life.
Why leave the door open? Because you love them and want to help them. As you said its an illness. If someone came home with a broken leg you wouldn’t ignore it or do anything other than jump up and make sure they could get to their crutches!
If someone is in a delicate mental state then telling them it’s over and closing that door might be pushing them over the edge?
For me, I know my boyfriend is hurting enough. I don’t want to add to his hurt. I fear he may be seeing someone else to try to make himself feel better and by getting rid of me… None of that matters. I need to be able to walk away knowing I did nothing other than try to show my love and support. It’s about me as much as it is him. I ended the relationship the way I started it – with love in my heart. I could get angry or tell him how much he’s hurt me, but don’t see how this would help. If he won’t get help at the moment, making him feel worse is just cruel. I don’t think it would make him realise what was going on or face up to things. He already knows, but is refusing to admit it to himself. I think it would give him an excuse… He’s blaming me and if I walk away it will become a “she never loved me, it was her fault” cycle. As it is, he knows it’s not me. By me being kind it makes his behavior seem all the more odd and, rightly or wrongly, I think that will make him see what a mess he is in.
Realistically… It’s not possible to know the answers to any of the questions we have. Half the time the people we want the answers from haven’t a clue what is happening to them or why they are doing what they are. Just as we feel confused, I think they are equally as desperate for an answer as to why they are doing what they are. Some people can’t cope with not having a clear answer. My boyfriend said he was confused and didn’t know how he felt. Being confused is a place. He couldn’t cope with it… If he felt confused that must mean he didn’t love me. Accepting confusion as a position was too much.
Hi, Nicky –
It took me a while to find the line you quote since it’s in one of the comments rather than the post itself. There is a little more there – “at least that’s what happened in my case.” And then I say how difficult it is to generalize. I don’t think I’m contradicting everything I usually say – the post as a whole is about how hard it is to offer advice. I describe being caught between a rational, judgmental view of some of the men in the stories (I’m probably still blaming myself here too for my own past) and the emotional power of love and all the other feelings that take over when the person you’re closest to walks out. I’ve never suggested that speaking angrily to a depressed partner would help, but I have said that being honest about your feelings – in a supportive way and when the other person is able to hear what you’re saying – could be very helpful. You bring out a central problem – the pain of living in confusion, and both partners are deeply confused at a time like this. I can talk about depression being in control or responsibility for consequences, but in a human sense when you hear someone sobbing their heart out in agony, rational explanations don’t mean much. People in love are hurting.
This post has always given me trouble – I’m on thin ice and wind up falling through. It was more about my frustration than anyone else’s situation, but it doesn’t come across that way and should be edited or pulled. I’m sorry if the post and comment were offensive or seem coolly dismissive of such powerful feelings. That wasn’t the intent at all.
John
My husband of 23 years bounces between both types described above. The door is open to the future, but not to abuse, and drama. I set boundaries through my actions not words. Husband knows he must speak to me respectfully or I walk away. I will not hash out grievances until he shows evidence that he is no longer ‘confused’.
Why? Because I love the man I married, I am committed to the vows I made of for better or worse, good times and bad, and so on. Because I have faith in the man I married to find the courage and the strength to look within and find his answers. Because I know this is not about me or our marriage or our children (who are also blamed).
I understand, leaving the door open, and not lying in the doorway, is a tricky path to walk. I have found that by healing myself, and focusing on myself and my children has given me much needed strength. I keep moving forward. The door is open, but I am not standing there with open arms. I am kind, and polite when my husband contacts me, but I offer nothing. He needs to figure this out on his own. He cannot do that if I am trying to “help”, fix, or control. There are times when I express my confidence in his ability to fix himself, times when I have to zip my lips and shake my head in disbelief, and times I simply say “You know that is not true.”
I have found that no matter what I do or say, he will spin it around, so I must say very little, and do what is best for my family.
Thank you for blogging. Knowledge is power!
Thank you, Sahmmy –
This is a powerful statement, and I hope your husband can find the courage you speak of. I can understand the difficulty you capture when you talk about leaving the door open but not lying in the doorway.It must often be a hard set of choices you have to make. There really is no other way but for your husband to deal with his pain without blaming it on you and your children. My best to you all —
John
In my case he has left me because he belives that he needs to be alone to get well (he is seeing a therapist and started meds last week). He treats me with respect, and says that he hope that we will be togheter in time again. When we speak it honest, loving and respectfull.
If I were to close the door now, I feel that I gave up on us. And when I have such strong feelings for him, I belive that the best thing I can do is to wait.. I don’t want to be the person “that ended everything”. If this is really what he wants, and not just the depression speaking, he will have to do it himself.
I think that if we are going to have any chance to come out of this together as a couple again, we can’t shut the door. I am afraid that if I shut the door now, he will never come back..
Is this just my desperate attempt to not cope with reality? Do you belive I should shut the door, and that he will come back to me no matter what if the love is strong enough?
Hi, Hopefull –
To respond to this and your other comment, I think the basic caution I raise in a few of these posts is: are you taking care of your needs? I know that it seems like the most overwhelming need now is to hold onto him. I can’t say if that’s the right thing for you or not and wouldn’t try to counsel you to stay in or get out. You mention not wanting to tell him how much you are hurting because you don’t want to add to his worries. But relationships are all about sharing your feelings – it can’t be one way – and in my case I found it important to hear from my wife when she was at her limit. It was part of the reality of my depression that I was hurting her as a direct result of my behavior. I had to face that and decide how I was going to handle depression in the midst of this most important relationship. I fear that the patterns of leaving a relationship to get better and/or hiding your emotions to help your partner aren’t so good for the long run. There are other possibilities between leaving completely or staying but hiding your feelings. If you could find a couples therapist who had experience dealing with the effects of depression on a relationship, that would be another way of handling it.
John
How do you keep the door open??? That is my question. It’s only been 2 weeks for me, hence my confusion – and pain. He told me he lost the ‘in love’ feeling, and had been feeling that for 4 weeks – as he was going into a depression. Says he thinks I’m the perfect woman, am so amazing, etc. He’s tried to feel “passionately in love” but can’t. He told me over the phone 2 weeks ago, and we haven’t seen each other since. Communication has been shaky, the first couple of days, and now none. Help.
Coming from an almost one year past depression fallout, it doesn’t matter what WE do. The D ones are going to do whatever is in their mind at the time. I think in these situations LOVE is not enough. If it were then so many loved ones would not be deserted by their depressed partner and especially once that partner has it in their head that the love is gone its next to impossible to make the think otherwise. There’s a great messageboard where a lot of us are, Depression Fallout Message Board.. I highly suggest pouring everything out there
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. It is a relationship of quite extreme highs and lows. When he’s in a good mood we have such a great time together and are really loved up and I know he adores me. But when he goes in a bad mood he completely shuts me out, says horrible things to me and then refuses to comfort me when he makes me cry, he’ll look at me like i’m a stranger that he despises. He becomes really cold, like no-one i have ever encountered before, and it is completely opposite to the super-affectionate side of him. It breaks my heart everytime this happens.
However until very recently I never thought that this could be down to depression. But last night we went out for dinner and at the end of the night he said he wanted to finish with me for good, and that he had been feeling this way on and off for 6 months (even though we’ve had some wonderful times in that period). I was really upset but as we spoke more about it he was saying (not for the first time) how stressed he is, mainly about money, but also that every single little thing that he encounters in life makes him feel stressed. He was drunk but said he feels suicidal, and he hates everyone and feels so much anger and aggression. He said he hasn’t been happy in 5 or 6 years. He has said this stuff before but i only just added it up and realised these are all symptons of depression. He is loud and outgoing around his friends but he is very shy around new people and considers himself a shy person. We resolved in the end that we won’t break up, for now. But he goes in these awful moods with me between 2 and 4 times a month, anything can kick them off – I have never cried as much as i have done in the past 2 years with him.
We agreed last night that he should get some help, and he seems willing to try anything if it will help him feel happier. Please can you help and give me some advice on how to help him?
thank you.
Hi, jane –
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such a tough time. The great thing is his willingness to get help. That’s the most important thing for him – but he and you will need a lot of patience. It’s easy when you’re starting on treatment to expect that a medication or a couple of therapy sessions will make you feel happier. When they don’t give you the immediate reward, you can easily get discouraged and wave off any further attempts, thinking I’ve tried that and nothing works. Whatever is going on with your friend – it could be depression or something different – needs to be diagnosed carefully and a treatment plan developed with the help of a professional. Recovery takes a lot of time and the active participation of the person trying to get better. There is a limit to what you can do, other than offering your love and support. It sounds like your relationship depends on his getting better, and I hope you can be clear with him how his depressed behavior affects you. There’s no easy answer to your question – one of the important things you could do is get help for yourself. You’ve been taking an emotional beating for some time and it might help to sort things out with a counselor.
John
Hi John,
I will have a look at the message board you recommended.
Thanx for your prompt reply
I am in a very complex situation can someone please advice?! About fourteen years ago i met this wonderful human being and we fell deeply in-love with each other, our connection was wonderful though we were young we told ourselves we will get married someday. After two years we lost touch because he moved to a different city for his studies and so did i. After many years gone by I meet someone else and got married with a daughter (6years old). Though I have been married for 8yrs now it is not a happy one at all and I have decided to seeking divorce but worried for my daughter.
I heard from one of our close friends that he(previous boyfriend) is seriously depressed since he heard I got married to somebody else and that we wants to talk, I gave him a call and we talked for very long hours mostly him doing the talking, he told me how he still loved me ( I must say I feel the same way towards him. He said his life has not been the same since, he said it is me he wants and nobody else, he told me about his condition (being depressed) and I am the only one he can talk to about it. I feel so guilty and somehow responsible even though he has never said anything of such to me. We have been talking everyday ever since (3months) and he said he has never felt better,I have also noticed the change and we have plans to meet soon.
There has been a sudden change of behavior from him lately , he doesn’t reply my texts as he used to, he only sends two texts one in the morning and one at night and in the texts he only tells me of his feelings towards me and nothing about him even when I ask, usually as soon as I ring he picks the phone now he just lets the phone ring and when he does pick the phone he hangs the phone up immediately . it has been very worrying and confusing for me. I have been to many sites trying for find and learn more about depression that is how I got to this site and I must say I am very happy as i have learnt a lot and I am still willing to learn more. I love him truly and dearly and want to be there for him. Sorry for the long….. I just needed to share my experience
Thank you
Hi, Able-me –
You’re right. This is a very unusual situation, and I’m not sure that I can really advise you. There is something strange about his behavior – the fact that he never contacted you directly but arranged through a friend to signal you that he was in need and wanted to talk. I have to say it sounds a bit manipulative to attribute his depression to something you did – simply getting on with your life after the two of you separated. You did nothing to feel guilty about. You’re not responsible for his feelings, and his treatment of you now sounds angry and punishing. That could be related to depression, but that doesn’t excuse or make any more bearable this polar swing from declared love to what I would call emotionally abusive behavior.
If you haven’t found it already, you should try the Depression Fallout message board. There are thousands of people posting there who have suffered from the depression of their partners. It can be a very helpful site.
John
Forgot to say “thank u” for your response to my last post John 🙂
My boyfriend never responded to my text that I needed to discuss the outstanding contracts and business commitments we have. One deadline has passed to the tune of $10k. Does anyone have an opinion on actually sharing the posts John referred me to with him? I has been two weeks since I have heard from him and I don’t know if that means he’s just decided to leave our 5 yr. relationship and business without discussing it ( to the angry me, that is such a cowardly way to do it) or if I should treat it as a depressive’s need for space..I have started seeking advice as to how to handle his neglect regarding the business matters. Just not sure about sharing the posts and possibly trying for a face to face discussion on his turf..
Thanks Tony,
The article I sent was about a chef he respects (my BF is a chef), who went through a bout of depression and how he managed to help heal himself with cooking. (along with other methods of treatment). Perhaps that was seen as unsolicited advice.. He has always been open to positive encouragement, articles,books etc and admitted his depression to me when asked if that’s what he thought it was. (that was all before the wall went up 11 days ago) When I suggested a natural course of treatment (after he said “no meds”) he immediately started taking the Omega 3’s, exercising, etc. It’s like he had the fight with his mom and someone turned off a light switch in his head..
I called this morning and left a message to our business contracts that need his attention. Very kind, upbeat message about work. Nothing about him being out of touch etc. Still no word back from him and there are about 30k worth of contracts that we have committed to in our catering business that I can’t execute without him. I can give space personally (although it kills me) but I don’t know how to handle the business issue. Financial problems are part of his issue and this would take a huge weight off of him. I guess that does not matter to a depressive? Just icing me out- is that the main objective?
I see that it’s very hard to make sense of what’s happening. My one thought is to ask– you say you emailed him an article– could this be seen as unsolicited advice? Could he feel that you’re telling him what to do to get better? That may be well-intended on your part, but can be seen by him as a kind of insult– that you, someone who never experienced depression, can give him a quick and easy solution. There are no quick easy solutions to depression and he may feel you just don’t understand this and you’re minimizing his condition.
Maybe this doesn’t appy here, but it’s a very common response from a partner to try to solve his problem. You can’t, you can just listen and be supportive and understanding.
I am in a similiar situation. My long distance (2 hours away)depressed boyfriend had not called me in 10 days. Only a brief text telling me that he was on his way to go swimming and that we will talk later. There was no argument preceeding this silence. I have known he was depressed for about 4 months now and he has agreed to try a more natural course of treatment recommended in Steven Ilardi’s 6 step program.(Heavy doses of Omega 3’s, excercise, etc.) He began 30 days ago. (at the moment he is against anti- depressants).
I read time and time again that you need to give your depressed partner the space they desire, but can anyone give advice on when it’s ok to reach out without making him feel pressured? I emailed an article once, called twice and have not received any response. We have never gone more than a day without contact.
We have a business together which he is totally ignoring, a booked vacation at the end of the month- things going on that need discussion..
He has not asked me for space but his actions speak louder than his words.
Should I make another attempt to reach out? Wait a while longer?Call, text? If I get no response, is it a good idea to just drive down and show up on his doorstep? We have to speak at some point and my fear is that he would walk out of a 5 year relationship
without so much as a conversation, a letter, etc.
He is under tremendous financial pressure, difficulties with an ex wife, 3 teenage daughters and so on. He says he feels tremendous guilt where I’m concerned. He can’t understand why I love him, that I don’t really need him, he should have married me by now etc.
I am paralyzed. Fearful of a fatal mistep. I don’t want to be manipulative by calling from a different number, feigning an emergency at work, etc- but I don’t know what to do. I seem to be the primary target of his withdrawal…
Any advice?
Hi, Shay –
I wrote a few posts about this very problem – how to get through to someone who’s not responding. One of the things I emphasize in those posts is the same thing Tony mentions – how easy it is for messages to be misread. It works both ways – when there are so few signals to read each is given huge importance. It’s easy for him to view any contact from you as not about him at all but about you. And you are reaching out because you love him and are afraid of “a fatal misstep.”
It’s easy to understand intellectually but very hard to grasp emotionally that you really can’t do anything to change his depression – and your actions won’t be the decisive factors in what happens to him. I believe that missteps on your part or worries about his feeling pressured are not the problem. You need to be clear with him about your emotional needs – I think all you can do is be as honest as you can about what you feel and need – and what your boundaries are in the kind of behavior you can live with – and not worry about doing the right or wrong thing.
One of the posts is called How Can You Communicate After Your Depressed Partner Leaves? on this site. That post links to two more posts (2 parts of How To Find Hope After Your Partner Leaves) on my other blog, Recover Life from Depression. Maybe those 3 could be of some use.
My best to you —
John
Hi Shannon,
I live with a depressed partner.
If he hasn’t told you not to contact him then it could well be worth while to keep sending stuff regularly (at a rate you are happy with). This will let him know that you care even if he doesn’t feel this at the moment of have the energy to respond even if he does.
Then if he does come out of the depression he will know that he is welcome to contact you.
My 2 cents.
I’m not a therapist and I’d invite comments from others on these difficult questions. But I’d tend to agree that you keep trying, maybe try a phone call? I dont know why he’s not responding– I think you have to look for cues from him as to how he feels and what kind of support he wants from you. It can be very delicate, eg he may not want to be reminded of his depression now, so maybe you just avoid that topic for awhile. How about suggesting an outing you think he’d enjoy?
So what do you advise? Initially I sent a mail reminding him of the good things we had -telling him Id like to understand, and that I would like to meet – I got no response. I left it a few weeks . Then I mailed again and told him that I realised that he must be in a deep depression and that I was sorry that I had not realised sooner and sorry for being selfish . I said that I would stop trying as that semed to be what he wanted – still I got no response. I read somewhere that you shouldnt stop trying to reach someone that is in this position – is that right?
Shannon,
My comments were not directed at you but were intended to add to the general discussion. I should have clarified that. Your comments that you’ve learned the importance of listening and learning about the illness show your empathy, which I think will go a long way in this or any relationship. Many partners just blame the sufferer or the illness itself and don’t ask if they themselves could have done more.
I recall a friend once saying that she found her husband of 20 years home early from work crying over his depression and she said something like, “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you cry over this.” I was shocked– where’s the empathy? Where’s the love? They ended up getting divorced and she blamed him for everything. Sadly, that’s not uncommon.
It seems to be especially hard for a person to accept a man being depressed, because that’s not the way we view masculinity. But men have human frailties too; they often try to work thru these problems or cover them up, but that doesn’t usually work. I think that a partner or friend needs to earn their trust as a listener and then they’ll open up more.
Thanks for your response John -unfortunately, I dont know any of his friends,(he always told me that he didnt have any) I know where he works but thats about it – and I would not want to alert anyone or spoil anything for him there so there is no real opportunity to talk to anyone who knows him.
Tony’s comments asume that the non depressed partner in a relationship understands whats going on from the start. I know it was my fault but the fact is I did not respect depression. I didnt have any real idea of the enourmous imapct that it can have. I am an optimistic type of person by nature and until now Ive never come into contact with anyone that has suffered with depression so I had no exerience of it and probably considered it all on the same level as feeling a bit down – people use the expression – Im feeling a bit depressed today so easily- they dodnt understand its true meaning either.When my man told me he’d suffered with depression in the past – I took it with a pinch of salt – I didnt realise then that depression is an illness and as such can be a wrecker of lives. After the firts time he went into a depression, I did some research and then I began to understand a little. But he didnt really talk about it apart from at the very beginning . He told me that he had been perscribed with stronegr drugs and it would take about 6 weeks or so for him to get back to normal. Over that period he didnt tell me of any symptons, he just told me that he was definetely getting better and soon he would be back to normal. We spent time together, we went out to the seaside together , we spent evenings together and talked and laughed as we got to know each other we talked about his job/my job and the stresses and strains of each – remember this was a relationship in its infancy. But over this time, I didnt attempt to get him to tell me how he felt about himself, I didnt attempt to get him to discuss his feelings of depression. He referred to his past hospitalisation for depression occassionally and clearly, I should have offered more support and perhaps tried to get him to open up more about his feelings during those moments but I didnt.Its only now that I realise that I have been selfish, and I should have been a better listener. Was it because I didnt know enough or was it becasue I didnt realise just how bad he was feeling?I suppose looking back, he did change a bit over time, but from my limited knowledge and from what he told me , I thought he would get better and for a very little while he did as I said in my last post- but only for about a week maybe two and then he just disapeared.I know that if I had my time again, knowing what I know now, I would have tried harder, found out more about his condidtion, ,and I would have said less and listened more – I’d still like the chance to do that but until then I just hope he is coping OK and can see a way through.
I think it’s vital to remember that no matter how much your partner’s depression is affecting you, that can’t compare to the misery of depression itself. Realizing this and showing compassion and empathy are key to maintaining the relationship.
Depression does often cause you to retreat, but when I did try to open up to my wife, I found her unable to understand and quick to judge. Being judgemental is the worst. How can the other person really know what you’re going through, particularly if they’re not truly listening? I think of all the things I’ve read that encourage you to find a caring, understanding person to open up to. But if the listener doesn’t show these qualities, you’ll stop opening up, and then you’ll drift apart.
So don’t always blame the depression sufferer. A really strong, loving relationship and a willingness to listen and care and make sacrifices can save things I believe. On the other hand, depression can be the ‘last straw’ in a relationship already showing signs of weakness.
Hi, Tony –
That is the other side of it – the non-depressed partner who won’t or can’t understand. It’s easy enough to stop trying to talk to friends or acquaintances who don’t get it, but not your partner. Not talking is certainly a sure-fire way to lose touch with each other. It’s a strange dynamic – here are two people who need each other but aren’t getting the responsiveness, compassion and love they need. Maybe the judgmental response is partly a reaction to losing the emotional availability of a depressed partner – a sort of self-protective tit for tat. It’s also the worst thing you can face when you’re depressed, and certainly the illness of depression runs deeper than the early impact on the other partner. As time goes on, though, depression really is contagious – perhaps there’s an instinctive fear of being drawn into it.
At any rate, I’ve never been satisfied with this post and need to have another go at it.
Thanks for your comment, Tony.
John
Hello everyone – Its so interesting reading other peoples comments but I almost feel a fraud to post a comment here because my relationship is/was with a lover and has been very short – only 4 month in total. initially my man was so loving and attentive – he created a wonderful feeling in me and my life became exciting. I belive that we made each other feel good on so many levels. Early on he told me that he had suffered with depression and had been hospitalised a few years back. When I asked if he was better now he told me that you never ever really get over depression, its always there . So our relationship progressed and we got on very welll – he was very attentive, we talked about going forward with our affair . We spoke on the phone exchanged emails texts etc and met up once a week – sometimes for the evening sometimes for the night. It wsa a great relationaship and we seemed to become very close. Suddenly, my emails and texts etc were not answered and I didnt hear from him for about 2 weeks. When I finally did hear from him he said that his depression had kicked in and that he might be a bit distant for a few weeks but we would be alright. We saw each other weekly after that – still had a great time but didnt spend any nights together for about 6 weeks . Then he said he felt better, things were great again he felt like a tiger and couldnt wait to get close again. We had a great night together and for a few days afterwards we sent messages and texts etc to each other – he was almost his old self then suddendly – Nothing . no response to calls, no response to emails just no response at all. it was such a shock. My first thoughts were that he must have found someone else, he just went of me etc, but this is a middle aged man , a decent person – not a person who would behave that way – I mean just not communicate what ever his reasons – surely he just would have said ok look its just not working, lets cooll it or whatever. So I kept trying to get some response for a while for a while, but I did stop trying although secretly I have left the door open because I hope that he will come back. I know that he tried to kill himself in the past and that is when he was commited so I only hope that he is OK . I still think of him a lot , and I feel that I would like to help him and offer him some hope but how can I do that if he doesnt communicate ?
Hi, Shannon –
First, please don’t “almost feel a fraud” – the length of a relationship, how far it’s progressed, etc have nothing to do with posting here. The relationship is vitally important to you, and you have exactly the same questions and depth of feeling as someone would after 30 years of marriage. What depression does to a relationship is terrible, and you’re in an especially difficult spot. Since he’s not communicating at all, you might try to contact a friend or family member of his – is there anyone you know, or whom he’s mentioned who might be able to tell you something about him? I don’t have any answers if the partner won’t respond, but here’s a post I wrote about that not too long ago on my other blog.
If he does get back in touch and seems ready to pick up where he left off, I would suggest having a serious talk with him about his sudden breaks in the relationship. Depression or no, he’s still responsible for the effect of his actions on you, and I think it’s important for you to let him know exactly what you’ve been through. Stopping all contact, leaving you completely in the dark and understandably worried about his condition – that’s behavior I think is unacceptable. If I were you, I’d draw a line about what you can take. I know that’s easy to say from a distance, but it’s something to keep in mind.
My best to you –
John
Shannon – this is years later but I hope you will see this…..what happened in your situation? This mirrors my own experience right now, like you I’m hoping he will contact me again but I’m enduring almost 5 months so avoidance.
Its only been a month and half since my partner forced me from his home and has refused to see or speak to me over the phone. When this all started I was convinced that I would keep the door open. I tried at least with emails. However, even these emails hurt as he goes from blaming me to blaming himself. I started entering my own depression but immediately sought medication, therapy, and spiritual support. I am still sad very sad at times. But I am taking care of myself.
As for why? We are all made in the image of the divine…just because he is not acting like the divine does not mean that I close the door on him. However, my door will not be open to him lying to me nor will I tolerate his emotional abuse or blame. I guess it is all relative this door.
I have to pause for a moment and ask you are you really stating your self-doubt aloud. By asking this question are stating that “There is no way that I deserve this kind of unconditional love – after my non-love of myself and after I have little faith in myself.” Well relationships help you find the Divine in your heart, and there is no way to destroy that real love. You deserve it! Recommit to love yourself and you will understand the why and how the door remains open.
Hi, Mary –
Your compassion seems to run deep, and I imagine there’s a lot of serenity you’ve also found in your faith. It’s often hard to separate the person from destructive behavior, but you’re so right. There is always that inner core, and I can understand keeping the door open to the best in that person. And that it’s only possible to embrace someone else if you can also live with yourself in that way.
Thanks so much for your insights!
John
Hi John,
For me, it’s one word; hope. Hope keeps the door open. Hope that they’ll recover and the man I originally wanted to be with will re-appear.
However, in my particular situation he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want me around and as it’s his house I’m the one that’s had to leave. So although I’ve left the door ajar, I’m cutting contact for my own sanity.
A friend in a similar situation came up with a great comment; ‘I’m shutting the door, because it’s just too draughty leaving it open’.
Wiggle
Hi, Wiggle –
That’s a good hope to keep alive – though I’ve always found it hard to stay realistic and keep hope away from fantasy. I think you’ve made a great choice – go for your sanity! I’ve heard from so many who just can’t stick with that priority.
And I love your friend’s comment!
John
How can I keep the door open? I love him and just like any major, chronic and possibly deadly illness–how can I abandon him? I’m the most important person in his life. Has it taken its toll on me? Yes, but never my self-esteem or my self-worth. Our relationship is similar to what you mention in your reply to Robin. Strong bond. On again–off again closeness. And yes, our intimacy has definitely been effected…we have to rebuild that each time we get back together. It’s a huge strain and there is no piece of paper or children to keep us tied to each other. Maybe in time when I can reflect with a true sense of honesty, I will be able to fully realize the impact of this relationship on my life but right now…at this very moment I’m happiest with him. Even when he closes his door to me…my door will always be open for him and he knows that.
Hi, Liz –
It’s wonderful to hear about a relationship that is such a source of happiness – and that you keep rebuilding when you have to. So many people take some form of distancing as the end, but every relationship I’ve ever heard of has those hard times. You mention the absence of other ties to keep you together, but often those are just a cover for poking along without a real attempt to remain open to each other and really close. I really admire your determination to keep things alive and not just routine.
John
Love and memory keep the door open for me. I know who the essence of my husband is … even as I wonder now if he’s in a depression.
I’ve had major depression for most of my life and I see its contagion. It’s so important for us to see beyond the narrow “me and you” focus that we tend to assume when someone we love is in depression. There are so many factors involved … everything from the neurochemical to the cultural … It’s such a huge endeavour to excavate the reasons, one brick by one …
I wait for the crack in his door — the tiny movement ajar that will admit me, at least to the edge of the opening.
I think of a book that has saved my sanity and augmented what little wisdom I’ve gleaned in how to live through depression and all its wreckage. The book’s called A General Theory of Love, by Thomas Lewis, et. al. Written by three medical doctors / psychiatrists, this book makes clear that it is our bonds, our relations, that make or break us as persons. Depression demands breakage … Depression wants us to rupture all our bonds and sink, alone, into death.
I think, in relation to men … There’s so much that’s expected of men in our world — to be always strong, tough, unfeeling, predatory, ahead of the pack. How exhausting that must be! … and it tears at the heart. My man is of exquisite character … and I fear that he’s sinking. I’ve got my hands full with my own situation … and I hope that the knowledge I’ve acquired will help us to see our way through. We’re starting a course next week that focuses on intergenerational trauma and its effects … I’m seeing this course as a lifeline and hopefully my love will see … something … clearly — I don’t know what that “something” could be, but I pray that he’ll see it enough to crack open his soul’s door a little more.
Love doesn’t conquer all, but it sure paves a way …
Thank you, John, again …
Hi, Jaliya –
I’m sorry to hear about your husband – how hard it must be when you’re both dealing with depression at the same time! It’s hard enough for a well person to communicate and support a loved one with this malady.
Thanks for reminding me about A General Theory of Love – I’ve looked into it from time to time but haven’t really absorbed its ideas. I’ll do that now – I’m glad it’s been such a help to you. I’ve been reading more about relationships as central to personal development, and that view makes so much more sense that the fictional idea that it’s all a matter of the solitary individual figuring things out alone.
I’ll be thinking of you and your guy and hoping that he’ll start to open up again.
Thanks for this, Jaliya. Your ideas are always powerful and so beautifully expressed.
John
My depressed partner and I are still together. I say “still” because she has tried to end it several times. I think that if she did leave, I’d keep the door open for her. I don’t feel angry with her for the emotional pain I’m going through because I don’t think it’s her that is causing the pain (by withdrawing, being silent), but the depression. And the depression isn’t her fault, and even the fact that she’s refusing treatment. This illness makes you think that there is no hope and no point in trying anything.
I think I’d keep the door open because I know she loves me and it’s the depression that is making her feel unworthy. Therefore, if she recovered from depression, she’d come back to me.
Hopefully, we’ll be able to avoid this.
Hi, Robin –
I think that a strong relationship isn’t totally forgotten during the depression many people experience. It’s there as a reminder, even if it can’t be experienced as before, and can keep someone from doing something as drastic as leaving. Every depressed person doesn’t become completely insensitive and abusive – many have periods of reprieve and can make contact again, at least for a while. That helps maintain the bond, though off-again, on-again closeness can strain trust to the breaking point.
Your partner’s blessed to have you in her life – and I’m sure she doesn’t forget that.
My best –
John
Hi, John,
It’s been one week since I discovered your site and it has been a life saver for my mental health.
My experience falls in the second category, and our break has only been since early summer. My answer to your question about the open door is: because I still love him. It’s as simple as that. Love holds the door open. I have loved my husband for 25 years, and it is a deep and strong love. He is a good man, but we didn’t truly understand the extent of the darkness he carried around inside him until recently. This whole experience has been a complete shock to me, but I am thankful to have finally realized this isn’t about me and there is nothing I can do to make the depression go away. What a relief, and such a freeing realization.
I have accepted my husband may not be coming back, but I pray that his heart will be open to what is really happening with him. He’s in denial and believes that he is depressed because of the circumstances not that he is a man with depression. In his search for how he feels and what he needs, I hope and pray he can accept all of who he is and manage the depression which has darkened his vision of our relationship. The door can’t be closed by me, it can only be shut by my husband. He’s trying to make things right, and has done his best in certain respects to protect our son and me from himself.
I hate the separation and I hate the drama depression has dropped into my life, but I love the man. I love him.
Hi, MK –
That is a powerful realization, that this is not about you but about an illness that has distorted your husband’s perception. Your deep love and generosity of spirit are inspiring. Denial is a terrible thing but so powerful – especially because consciously it doesn’t seem to be a problem at all. There are always things to point to, circumstances and people to blame, and so denial defends itself.
I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this, but also glad to hear that you’ve found ways to accept what’s happening without victimizing yourself.
My best –
John
Although this has not happened to me, where my husband’s own depression has caused him to leave. But, I think some key healthy factors include lenght of the relationship, quality of connectedness, quality and satisfaction and commitment of the marriage, and the amount of love and care and unconditional love of the woman.
Also, there are unhealthy ways. Will I be able to find someone else, what if I’m left alone, he is the only one…and the list could go on, but it is based on low self-esteem.
The other part about not having any consequence. If it were to happen to me I would not allow him back unless he were willing to commit to individual and couples counseling for, at least, one year. Couples counseling would be an absolute must.
For me, I love my husband so much and understand about depression that I couldn’t not let him back.
The interesting thing is that many, many men become or show symptoms of depression in their 40-50s. It is also roughly around the so-called “mid-life crisis.” I wonder how many couples miss the depression and just chalk it up to mid-life crisis?
Thank you again for such a well-written and thought provoking post!!
take care,
CC
Hi, CC –
As you say, the quality of the connectedness is a sign of health in a relationship. Some of the stories people write here emphasize the shock and confusion from a sudden change when that level of connection is completely broken. How could everything good about relationship disappear? I think, though, that if the closeness and honesty – the learning from each other – had been there, it’s more likely that the man would not lose touch with that completely and be reluctant to go so far as leaving. At least, that’s more or less what happened to me. Relationships are so unique that I hesitate to write too sweepingly about this sort of thing.
I always look forward to your thoughtful comments. Thank you.
John
I have to respond right now because this post is so important for any partner of a depressed person to read. I have the partner who retreats into himself and shuts the door on our relationship time and time again. As I write this, I know that I will write again with more of my thoughts on “Why is that door always open”. I’ve been living this reality for over a year and a half and like you, my rational side sees that I should move on but my emotional side is dealing with the love I have for this man. With that being said, I am much better than I was 6 months ago but I have a long way to go. I will get more specific in my next post. It’s early in the morning here and I need to re-read your post a few more times to let it resonate. John, your posts are a blessing to me. They have been instrumental in my journey with this relationship…thank you.
Hi, Liz –
Thanks so much, Liz. That means a lot to know that the posts have helped you through this period.
I’m glad you’ve come so far.
John
Dear Liz and John,
It seems that life doesnt change, here I am in 2017 living this hell on my own, nobody believes me that he is sick, they think he is just another bastard, and I cant stop crying cause we were perfect together and all of a sudden he treats me like an enemy and avoid me all the tine…I was trying to comunicate, and he still answers, but I can see that its like a sacrifice, so I will stop it for a while….please let me know how do I act to have him willing to come back home asap…I miss him so bad
Well, it isn’t always; some people do the shut door.
I think it is kept open because of habits and dependence. Also because it is recognised that the depression is separate to the person. Also because this means there is hope that the person will return (which can happen in bouts).
My feelings are split. There is both admiration and concern. Admiration at not giving in, concern at the damage that holding the door open can do.
Hi, Evan –
I guess the damage of holding the door open takes precedence for me. The dependence you mention often leads to the belief that one can’t survive without the other. It’s like losing a part of you because your own identity has been so compromised. Of course, separation and divorce are traumatic for anyone, and there’s always a long period of getting over all that’s been lost. It’s always hard to generalize!
John