Over and over, I find online stories about the transformation of a loving partner, most often a man, into a depressed stranger. As I’ve often written here, I have been that stranger.
I’ve told several stories about what happened during that time in my life and what I’ve tried to learn from my own depressed behavior. I’ve described fantasies about becoming a new me, blaming my wife and my work for the unhappiness, losing control of myself in rage – and then pulling out of it before losing everything.
The story was all about me, and that’s always the way it is when depression is ghost writing at my side. My wife had a different story. Of course, it started with the crisis I had set in motion but then shifted to everything she did to sustain herself. When I “came back,” the old relationship didn’t come back with me. Instead, we had to create something different because we were both different. It wasn’t about me or her then but both of us.
Because of what I’ve been through and knowing how my wife took care of herself, I worry about many of the stories I read online. They tend to be all about him. I hear a great deal about what the depressed partner is doing, what may be wrong, his refusal to get help, his on-again off-again emotions, his confusion and pain. The hopef-for turning point of this story centers on whether or not he’ll get over it and return as the loving partner he used to be.
What I hear so much less about is the person who has to live with Depression Fallout
I always want to ask, What about you? Where are you in all this? Except for a brief mention here and there about pain and perhaps efforts to get help, I have a hard time getting as sharp a picture of who you are and what this relationship means for your own sense of self.
Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s gone? Why do you think you can change him? Why do you ask only about what will happen to him? Where are you?
There is so much invested in a close relationship that it inevitably affects the sense of who we are. Each partner, hopefully, feels enough trust to open and share a usually closed emotional core. Once it’s clear the relationship is a lasting one, there’s a sense of fulfillment and sureness of commitment on both sides. I’m still me, but I’m also more.
Even when troubled, angry or hurt by each other, the emotional resonance and mingling can move two people to some sort of healing. It’s all the more shocking, then, when depression takes control of one partner and rips the relationship. It’s not only a betrayal; it takes away the part of me that emerged through closeness to my partner. That cuts too deeply. I won’t feel complete anymore. How can I survive this?
I think the depth of loss of that joint identity varies a lot. At one extreme, there’s a complete dependence on another person to feel like a “real” person. That’s what I went through In my early twenties when I had the experience of being left abruptly. The crisis for me was extreme because I couldn’t imagine myself without this partner. I had no sense of my own value as a person and looked to her to make up for everything I wasn’t. In my state at the time, I could only feel OK because she was with me.
As I told myself, there was nothing left to fill the inner emptiness, so I fell apart. For a long time, I couldn’t accept what had happened and obsessed over the relationship, convinced I could do this or that to turn back the clock. Every attempt failed miserably, and my condition got worse and worse. It took a few years to get past that, but the long-term result was a much healthier sense of who I was.
That’s one extreme. Another is a level of independence of two people that they limit carefully the amount of time they spend together. There’s a fear of losing personal identity by getting too enmeshed in each other. One couple I knew (obviously wealthy) built side-by-side houses connected by a common space so that they could choose when to be together. If one had a serious problem like depression, there was certainly a loving concern but also a safe distance preserved to keep one from damaging the other – or so they thought.
There’s a balance that has to be found between needing a partner to feel good about yourself, as I did, and feeling so autonomous as to see a depressed partner’s problems as his own and having nothing to do with you.
As Peter Kramer puts it in his thoughtful book, Should You Leave?
Kramer offers a beautiful image of the way two people can be closely entwined without losing their own identities. He tells about his great aunt, who offered this comparison when she learned of his wedding engagement.
[She] pointed to a pair of white pines planted close together. They had developed a cone of branches and needles around the two trunks, responding to the sun as a single tree; if you were to cut one down, the other would look unbalanced, bare on one side and rounded on the other. A couple, she said, should be like those trees.
I suppose the continuing challenge is to find the balance between a healthy sense of one’s separate self and the shared identity of a close relationship. Neither can exclude the other, and even if relationships fail, they’ve given as much as they’ve taken away.
Sometimes I find out how the online stories have ended – though not so often as how they began. Usually, it’s encouraging, not because the relationship has been restored (that’s rare), but because an inner resilience has led to acceptance of what’s happened. The new story begins, and it’s all about you, no longer about him.
So that’s why I ask: where are you in the story you tell? Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s gone?
My husband got angry back at me when i was depressed! He wound me up, spoke down to me, insulted me, and called Sad, Pathetic and shouted LOOK AT YOU.
I completely fell apart. I cried in desperation for him to stop speaking to me like that. But instead he YELLED in my face! I slapped him to get him away from me.
So..
He called the police on me and accused me of domestic violence!
I met my second husband 6 years ago. When we met he seemed very confident, one of these types who loves life and despite losing a child at 15 had learned to live with this because of his faith. He had sadness in his life but who doesn’t. A year and a half after meeting we married and lived in my home with my two daughters. I have a son too but due to an argument my son left to live with my parents . For two years he did not speak to me but thank God we are now very close once more. Life seemed OK then behaviour which he had demonstrated earlier, manipulation, outbursts of anger, threats to leave blaming my daughters for ‘taking too much ‘of my time ( they were 11 and 18) became the norm. He only seemed happy when it was just us. Anyway long story short, this kind of behaviour continued…he would fall out with me,,distance himself, refuse to communicate with me which upset me deeply. He knew how to pull my strings to thee point that I felt I was no longer ‘me’. He pressurised me into selling my home at a substantial loss but I went along with it, we downsized and I bought our new home outright, so he had no financial worries on that score. Within week of moving home he became ‘I’ll with stress and gave up work. He dabbled in making a hobby into employment which put us under huge financial burden. Last year I was diagnosed with OC and had to have major surgery and chemo and as soon as chemo was over I had to return to work. This is because he said he could not work due to a mild heart condition. However this did not stop him from doing all the other things he wanted to do. I have just been carrying the whole financial burden even through my cancer. Even so I have tried to be patient, understanding and sympathetic realising he is’ not well’. I came home two weeks ago after work to a 7 page letter telling me he had left as he couldn’t cope with the ‘environment’ blaming a lot of it !on my girls, who are fantastic daughters…now 16 and 23. They have had to live with his moods, hear him being angry and shouting. Several occasions he has threatened to leave and on a few he packed his belongings and drove away. Last year when I was waiting to go for my first chemo I had to ask home to leave as he had done something which caused me such grief I couldn’t bear to even be under the same roof.. Earlier this year I had to ask him to just leave as his abusive behaviour was so bad I couldn’t cope. I have tried and tried and I think my problem is I am such a resilient person I have tolerated behaviour which I should not have. I have forgiven over and over but now I am thinking he just doesn’t want this to work, although he would argue that point. He used to say to me that before he met me and he was dating ‘the chase was always better than the kill’ ! I am beginning to think he is a man who just runs when things get too tough and he wants a nice easy ride…well life ain’t like that. It is full of trials and we just have to face them with whatever faith,strength we have.I now feel he is playing a bit of emotional cat and mouse game with me…he loves me but he wants to love me from a distance and he would be happier if mg girls were not around. Well, sorry, you didn’t rescue me,,,I was not a damsel in distress and you knew I had children when we met. So now I am in no mans land… He doesn’t want a divorce, but he can’t live in ‘this environment’ … I feel like my strings are being pulled . He wants the assurance of my love but doesn’t want to give anything in return..nothing. Oddly enough since he left two weeks ago he has got a new job and is finding the strength and the energy to do the things he wants. I just feel numb and like he is just waiting for the next best thing.
Just wanted to ‘add’ his doctors have told him repeatedly he is not depressed so either he is doing an excellent job of putting on a facade or they are wrong. I realised that I have not really answered the question above. I am a very positive personality . In one year I have lost my mum, been diagnosed with cancer and now my dad is suffering with Lewybody dementia. But I still wake up everyday and thank God for a new day. I think you learn to adapt your mood and you have to go along with whatever their state of mind is. I have found myself putting my wishes on hold and accepting that I may want to go and climb a mountain but he just wants to take a stroll and I have been grateful for even that. However I don’t think it is helpful to either of you if you allow yourself to be immersed in their depression…but it’s tough.
Just wanted to tell you, that I have a depressed spouse. We are not enmeshed. I do the things I love, I have support system, I go out and do things by myself and I have a therapist for when the things are really affecting me.
I know a lot about this illness, since I had it too. But I am free from it for years now, thanks to a good psychotherapy and my hard work. I know I am one of the lucky ones.
But I must tell you, it is still VERY hard to deal with my spouse. Because you probably know, a lot of men get angry, when they are depressed. Although not violent, my spouse will say very hurtful things. Now I do set my boarders, but if I have to do it every day, when he is depressed – it takes a lot of my energy and patience, believe me. Even though I know it is an illness, it does not change the fact, that this is hurting me and eating away at our relationship. I have stood by his side for 11 years and yes I do ask myself sometimes, if it is worth it. When a nasty thing happens on holidays (for which I work for very hard and want to relax from the daily stress), one does feel desperate. Because you know, you cannot help and you cannot change the person or the illness. And yes I have been called a dictator before, when I set my limits. I will be honest, every non depressed spouse is asking him/herself, if it’s worth it. They are just not saying it. I am feeling just like Katie. And I have enough of blame shifting. I AM SUPPORTIVE, OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT STAND BY HIS SIDE NO MATTER WHAT FOR 11 YEARS AND BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL.
It is an illness yes, but it should not be an excuse. No matter how much I understand about depression, I will not let my spouse treat me like shit. Even a depressed person has an option to learn, if nothing else, the self control. I DID! I do not expect him to snap out of it, but this is no excuse for treating someone else like crap. Write about this some day.
And even a person with heart disease has an option to make things better.
No i think a partner gets lots in there own depression when there partner is depressed i just lost my everything my soulmate we were so close never really fought the depression is soopp bad he just told me he is leaving im 2 weeks its been a nightmare im so lost
I’m in the same boat my situation is similar. My boyfriend suffers from depression when he agreed to get help his father died and this snowballed him. Within days he kicked me out and wanted nothing more to do with me. Eight weeks later he has started to get help but I’m at a loss. He is adamant he doesn’t love me. I never thought it would end like this
I am sorry to read about your story. I. Afraid mine will end on a similar way. However the reason of his depression is his illness.
Hi everyone, i would love some advice, my wife and i have been married for 5 years, it was a pretty amazing marriage too, we were very close and best friends, then over a 2 week period i noticed a change in her, bit snappy and she looked sad. then she decided she wasnt sure she wanted to be married any more and left to her parents for space. she really shut me out of her life, i suspected depression but she would not accept it. anyway we sold the house and are now living apart, she did accept she was depressed and is now having counselling and meds, so ive always maintained contact, sometimes she replies others she doesnt. there have been days when she was very positive and said things like now the house is sold we can use it to rebuild our lives together, only for her to then slip into negativity again.
so in january i messgaed her and asked to meet, she told me she didnt want to reconcile. i left it a couple of weeks and wrote her a letter, i took it to her house, she was in so i just knocked, she invited me in and we had a really good talk, told me she loves me, and lots of hugs which were nice.
so we started to build on this and ive been going to see her and she coming to me, we have even planned to go to a concert together in june. she has over this last couple of weeks bumped into my ex wife on 2 occasions, nothings been said just given each other strange looks and its really affected her, my ex wife has caused a lot of stress for us with child access and maintence.
so we went for a meal last night, she invited me out and actually paid it was nice, but we ended up talking about my ex wife, (i didnt bring it up), dropped her off at home got a kiss and told each other we love each other, i recived a message soon after i had got home to say she had enjoyed the evening but my ex wife churns her up and she sadly has to walk away from me, now she is ignoring my messages, its really affected me, i thought we were making such good progress and now its gone.
Are setbacks like this to be expected , im honestly finding it so demoralising to stay positive and its very taxing to maintain some sort of contact. weve been apart 7 months now and shes been getting treatment for 3 months, i guess time limits go right out of the window when dealing with depression, so i dont really know what to expect from her treatment, i realise i get quite impatient at times, i just miss my beautiful best friend so much. I started to put time limits on things but theyve been and gone, i think in my heart if i dont sit this out and wait i would always look back and forever wonder what if
Neil
I have been married to the same woman for 33 years. After the last of our 3 children was born in 1986, I felt like my wife had left me emotionally and physically. I not knowing what depression was at the time fell into a deep depression myself in 1989. After I was recieving treatments for awhile, my wife decided she had depression as well and started in therapy and medication. After my first year of treatments, I continued to be stable and medicated for 10 years till I went off meds and have been stable till now. My wife has continued to struggle with her depression for the past 26 years. Being medicated but still stuggling with being in and out of depression. Only ever in therapy for the first 2 years. Even after feeling the effects of depression myself, I could not rationalize the anger, very hurtful things she has said over the years. I have always continued to encourage her to seek therapy to help her with her thoughts that were too hurtful to share with me (she has shared some incredibly hurtful stuff). She continued to resist any therapy or help other than taking the meds and trying to handle it by herself.
About 1 1/2 years ago I had come to the conclusion that I could no longer handle the lack of intimacy and the emotional void in my life and decided since I had encouraged her to get help and have been met with stiff resistence for the last 26 years, I am the only person that can do anything about it to protect myself from her misery. In addition, I myself have recently been diagnosed with depression again and started taking meds which seem to be working well. I feel her depression has sucked me in again.
Since I have told her I was at my wits end and was going to leave her, now she is seeking help and wants to save our marriage. At what point is this too much? I told her I hate depression and feel like it has consumed our marriage and lives. I hate it and don’t want to be around it anymore. Any thoughts?
Wow! This is all too sad to read. I am so sorry you have spent a life like this. I can only imagine what effects this may have had on other members of your family too.
I think distancing yourself from eachother for a period of time while you each seek GOOD psychological support individually is perhaps the bedt first step. You both negatively pull eachother into a vicious cycle tjat needs to be broken. After that period you could try and start working on being together again while both going together to counseling on a regular basis. I have also heard that doing yoga together also helps in these instances.
I am not a professional so perhaps its best you consult your doctor on what the best steps are for you.
The real question is, do you want to work on the marriage anymore or have you lost all motivation?
Alexandra, Thanks for your input. That’s why I wrote. I am currently trying to get on top of my own depression because I do not want to make a decision I would regret because it would be tainted by this illness. Untill I am stable for a time, don’t know if I have lost all motivation. I believe my depression is much more situational with the life we live together. On my first depression, the 10 years I was medicated, the first was fighting depression and the next nine were medicated and I was ok and not feeling depressed. Also for the last 15 years of being unmedicated, I functioned fine if I poured myself into work and never thought about the lack of emotional and intimate closeness I long for in my marriage.
Because of my own experience with depression and the medication working, I have always encouraged my wife to seek more help, mulitiple times , more counseling and possible changes to her medication, psychiatric help for her to deal with the ups and downs of her own depression. She has resisted or would go to a PA to get her antidepressants filled but not seek the profession that truely understands the medication and the benefit of therapy. She has had several serious depresive episodes over the last 26 years and most gernerally when not in those stages is able to keep just above the waters of depression. She has never been really “happy” with much in her life and no matter how hard I try to stay on top of my own happiness, it’s like the other part of my life is such a downer it’s hard to not get drawn in although I feel like I have done well for the most part.
The frustrating part for me right now is that as I have encouraged her for years to seek help and she has resisted. Now when she hears, I have had enough, she is seeking help for her depression, trying to change medications to improve some of the side effects, but for me it may be to late. I can’t help but wonder why she would not listen to me about seeking help. Depression affects everyone around you.
Lastly, our three kids, 33,32, and 28. We have tried to educate them as much as possible about depression knowing they have a good chance of experiencing this. My daughter is on antidepressant now. thanks again for the comment.
My somewhat new (but very close) boyfriend walked away from me without saying much of anything at all. We talked about his depression, severe for periods of around six months, and his anxiety often, and I read a lot about how to be supportive in the right way. Aside from one minor slip up where I accused him of not caring about me, we never fought and he remained himself right up to the departure. (Immediately following our one argument, I realized I let my emotions have control and I apologized, we moved on)
He never said he wanted to break up or stop talking to me, he just did it. When i felt him pulling away, I asked him if I had done something wrong. He said no, he was just sad and stressed. I attempted to contact him once a week for a few weeks, and remained in connection on social media for that time as well. But he was gone.
My mind goes back and forth between knowing its the illness and thinking he just wasn’t into me or the relationship. Even though deep down I know he adored me and my daughter and maybe still, somewhere in there, does.
Even though we weren’t long term partners, the pain was still very bad. And after a month of extreme confusion and deep sadness, I’m moving again. I joined a group that meets once a month, based in spirituality and psychology. That’s been the most helpful, I think. I’m learning about chakra balancing and meditation techniques to ease stress, self doubt, and gain personal power. Physically, I’m sewing more, finishing up old projects, reorganizing my home and so on. Emotionally, I’m reaching out to other friends who have expressed sadness, frustration, and general discontent with their lives and offering my support and sharing what I’m learning about depression.
I have learned my pattern is to try and fix people, then freak out when I seem to be failing.
I miss him and us. Maybe I’ll send a text here or there to let him know I’m thinking of him, but I fear alienating him even further. He may never reach out to me again, I’m sad when I think about that but I know it wasn’t my fault. I can only do my best to be there for someone but I can’t save them.
Any replies are appreciated, thank you for listening.
Hi Jolie. I kind of recognized myself in your story. I am in the middle of the crisis. On 30/12 he was telling that he loved me, on the 31/12 he told me I would be better without him and to take care of myself, as he wasn’t well and needed to be alone. At the beginning I was not aware of what was happening and I tried with desperation to help, to understand, to be there, with the result that everything was even worse. One second he was kissing me, the second he was breaking up with me, that I would be better without him, as he wanted to protect me. 13 days have passed and I am still feeling that I am in a dream, though I have started reading a lot, not sure if to help him deal with this, or just to save myself from drowning. I have moments in which I realize that it is better now than later, other moments when I am afraid of myself. days when I am blaming myself for not being able to have seen this before or to help in anyway. I read, hoping that I can control my feelings and keep the distance. I tried calling once, but he was so distant and cold, that I felt terrible. He stopped calling me or sending me any message and when i called him all I could hear was that he was not ok, that he needed to be alone, that he does not feel anything….I hope one day I will be ok again.
I hope you’ll be ok again too. I did a lot of reading as well. And searching message boards for similar stories, anything to dull the pain just for a second.
And then he came back! And everything felt amazing again! I saw changes within him and us and I was so hopeful. And then he left without saying anything. Again. In my heart, I expected it. And it doesn’t hurt as bad as the first time, but I’m changed.
The greatest part of the experience has been my growth. Even at 33 years old, I am not very experienced in emotional relationships. The first time he left, I dove into myself and began to feel my feelings. I practiced letting go of fear based thinking and confusion and attempted to get mental clarity. I still have so much to learn but I feel very confident in what I have achieved so far.
Once again in solitude, I am committed to becoming emotionally vulnerable. I want to be able to express myself creatively and emotionally with ease. Maybe if he does come back, me being open will help him be open and would do us both some good. If he doesn’t come back, at least I’ll have that emotional growth.
The best thing to do for him is be gentle with him. Remember he is suffering. By doing that, you will also be gentle to yourself. You did or said nothing wrong. You are not to blame, remember that too.
Jolie,
I’ve been lurking on this site and feel compelled to respond to your post, as it mirrors my own situation. I have been shut out completely — ghosted, really, by a man who has loved me for the last three and a half years. Painful to feel discarded, although, as time ticks by, I realize that the opportunity to really FEEL and explore my own needs & wants is a rare gift.
It has been many months since you posted your update: how have things been this year? I find others’ experiences comforting. Thanks!
E
I am going to try and keep this short and to the point
2 weeks ago my relationship ended for the 3rd time in 10 months (we break up and get back together). My partner did not blame me for our issues, infact he takes most responsibility and praises my efforst in supporting him. Unfortunately this time round he said he doesn’t love me so I assume this is the end.
He always uses phrases such as ” I wish I was normal” “my limitations as a man stop me from finding happiness” ect
Of course I am devastated by him breaking up with me. I was according to him the love of his life. I admire and look up to him so much as a person that it angers me how unfair life is that such a lovely, smart and decent person has been crippled with such a horrible illness. An illness that is also ruining his liver as he has become an alcoholic to help him cope everyday life.
This illness deprives me of my own happiness. For me my ex is my perfect match as a spouse. Everything about him when he is healthy is exactly what I have always dreamt of from a husband.
so to answer your question of where am I in this story, well:
I have definitely learned many things about myself; Strengths, weaknesses, limits and needs from life and a partner. I have also become extremely aware and compassionate of mental illnesses.
I have learned how to feel each emotion (good and bad) to its extreme and also have come to terms with the fact that I am a giver in my relationships. This also comes from a deep place within myself that is hard to change in order to protect my emotions.
I also have realized how easy it is to be sucked into depression and alcohol addiction yourself as a “carer”
Lastly I have learned who my true friends are.
Sorry to hear about the trouble in your relationship. I know it hurts. Life is not fair, but we can’t give up hope.
Are you two in contact at all? I have read its good to keep trying to reach the depressed person, that they might come around. And its good to let them know you’re there for them, but I have a really hard time believing in that. I felt like I was pestering and totally rejected. Have you been able to do this without feeling that way? If so, what’s your perspective?
I know it seems cliché, but if he’s not the one meant for you, you will find someone with all the qualities you seek in a mate. Dont forget that. He will be there and ready. A wise gal once told me, there is a top for every kettle.
Hello! and sorry for the late reply. It has been a whirlpool month.
In the past month I tried to keep a certain distance but caved in on a couple of temptations. The night he broke up with me he messaged me a few hours later pretty much just recapping on all the illogical reasons of why he wanted to end the relationship. I didn’t respond till about a week after telling him that I know there are deeper inner issues there and that I was hoping I would have been his motivation. I also said that my love for him is unconditional and I will always care for him.
No response and no contact for almost a month till I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I texted him something along the lines of ” Does this mean you no longer want to speak to me. I am not looking to get back together as I know this would be wrong for both of us”
He responded saying that he is fine with keeping contact but he doesn’t know how to support me emotionally at this point of time. He feels like he is letting me down again. I was at work so I couldn’t respond which I think irritated him and I then received a huge email roughly 6 hours later.
The email was very mean and he pretty much backtracked on all he had acknowledged so far ( that he has been unsupportive and selfish. That he has too many inner turmoils in order to be the partner I deserve). He did mention that he has taken on board my advice to him in seeking help from doctors and said he will be looking to implement – I do not think these words will be put into action.
I did respond back, however I have not heard from him.
Since then I have chatted with a few common friends about everything. Some agree he is suffering some sort of depression others think he has severe commitment issues as he has done this before with previous relationships. I personally think there is a mixture of both where one brings on the other.
Its funny but only a couple of days before he sent me that horrible email he had told a friend that it was sad he has lost such a loving and caring partner.
I still love him…but I want to move on. I am a vibrant and loving person and I had become miserable, quiet and negative with him. It’s like as if he was sucking all the positive energy from me.
How are you holding up?
A friend told me the other day that its not enough to meet your perfect partner unless the timing is also right. Both people need to be ready for the relationship. Someone troubled is not ready…especially if they are not even at the beginning of their journey to recovery
I’m feeling a lot better. It was just so confusing for some time. I finally started to let go of the idea that “we were perfect for each other but depression for in the way” and surrendered to the fact that, like you said, the timing was not right. He is not in the same place as I am emotionally. He’s still great, I still have unconditional love for him, and I’m still supportive of him. But its not gonna happen right now.
He contacted me to apologize about a week ago, after about a month of no contact at all. Things are not the same and I’m not sure if he’d like them to be, but I’m glad we’re communicating again. It also made me realize i hadnt done anything wrong after all. Me doubting myself has vanished. He has also changed some bad habits and resolving to create new, positive ones and seeing a therapist.
He does have committment issues due to the anxiety and depression. Even if he stays on the path to recovery, is he ever going to really let me in? Do I want to wait around to find out? Bringing it up to him is way too sensitive of a topic to introduce at this stage of recovery. Its still very confusing, but I am surrendering to the universe and letting go. Things will work out as they should.
Its a weird thing how peoples moods are so fluid and can affect the people close to them so profoundly. This experience has really made me aware of how closely connected we all are as human beings, even if sometimes it doesn’t seem like it.
“Even if he stays on the path to recovery, is he ever going to really let me in? Do I want to wait around to find out? ”
I am so sorry you have had to experience the pain from loving someone with depression.
I have been married for 30 years to a man with chronic depression. It has been a roller coaster. His recovery is on again off again. My life has been on hold waiting for him. I love my husband with all my heart and have waited. Now I’m looking back on all the years that have passed so quickly. Happiness on hold. Not only have I let my own happiness go but my children’s happiness too. They are adults now but are all struggling in different ways with the effects of living with and growing up with depression. It’s so sad that such an illness destroys the men we love. Please remember that it destroys the people they love as well. I have decided to leave and find healing and wholeness before it’s too late. These 30 years have been like a blink of an eye and I realism the last year’s of my life will go by just as quickly. Depression is a monster that destroys and devours everyone. Please find happiness now. For me I must love him in my heart but distance myself and protect myself so my life does not completely get devoured by the illness.
i pray that you will find and love yourself enough to not settle for less. To live each day alive and happy. And to be strong enough to protect yourself from things that steal attempt to steal your joy.