Lately, I’ve come across a number of questions online by plainly anguished people, asking: Why do I have no friends, no life? The first time I saw one this blunt, I reacted almost defensively, laughing as I recalled an old film in which a man hires a private detective to find out why he has no friends. Isn’t it obvious? But I knew so well how much the question implied. Lonely and depressed, I had often asked that same question, or at least felt the need to ask it.
I wrote an earlier post about the difference I experience between loneliness and depression. Loneliness is a sadness at the loss of close relationships. It drives me to reach out to people. Depression pushes me away from them. When I feel these two at the same time – as I can if the depression is not too severe – the tension of these opposing forces makes it all the harder to find the help I need.
Thinking back over many years of living with depression, I can quickly find many reasons why I had such trouble finding a friend to talk to when I most needed one. (I’ll set aside the much worse problem of not talking to my wife. I’ve said a lot about the reasons behind that, especially in this post.) Here are some of the problems from my experience. I can’t say how true they might be for others.
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Sometimes it wasn’t I who had an issue with reaching out but friends who had trouble opening themselves to listen. Many people refuse to talk about depression or other serious illnesses. I first found that out when I had cancer. It was stunning to me that a few people I had known quite well simply disappeared from my life. Though I never heard any explanation from them, my wife and I believed they couldn’t face the risk of emotional involvement and possible loss.
Depression adds another dimension. Many may feel helpless in the face of a friend’s pain and despairing mood. When I reached out for support, some friends were sympathetic but at a loss as to what they could do to help. And, of course, some friends are not in the habit of probing their own emotional lives and run from the idea of listening to someone else trying to go deeply into feelings. That’s a language they haven’t learned and never want to know.
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One habit of my own depressed thinking was to assume that everyone I met had the same negative and contemptuous view of me that I did of myself. I projected my own shame into their minds and then retreated before the dislike I was sure they felt. It’s so strange to imagine that this could have been such a common occurrence, but it was. I stopped myself from reaching out because I “knew” these friends wanted to have nothing to do with me.
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Then there was the isolating drive of depression, the belief that I was in too much pain to face anyone – too lost in despair to move. I believed I could survive only by cutting myself off from everyone, yet that only intensified the feeling of having nowhere to turn. I ruled out the possibility that anyone could break through the wall I’d put up around me. The result was that I went more deeply into despair. Eventually, the crisis passed, but it wasn’t the isolation that had helped me survive. That only increased the likelihood that I might push myself over the edge.
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When feeling more numb than despairing, I could often get out and talk to people, even at social gatherings. But I became very nervous at what I might say. It wasn’t uncommon for me to make an attempt at getting to know someone or to get into a personal issue with a friend. But the words I found myself speaking were not at all what I intended. They had an edge to them, putting a jab into each pleasantry, souring a compliment with a sarcastic tone, or pouring out so much so fast that I sounded impossibly egocentric and uninterested in anyone but myself. I acted like someone I would never want to know. Of course, people could tell at once that I had “issues” and walked the other way.
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So often, I had to mix with people when I wanted only to hide. I made it hard for anyone to find me, no matter how many people might be in the room or how prominent my role was supposed to be. Emotionally, I lost connection with what was happening and just watched it go by. I felt so small and tried to be invisible. If anyone asked me a question, I’d become tongue-tied, or, if I tried to say much, the words and thoughts came with painful slowness. It was impossible for anyone to talk to me.
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At other times, anxiety and fear could hold me back from talking freely. Taking part in conversation was hard because I had to double-think everything I wanted to say. There was a danger in the simple spontaneity of conversation among friends – a danger for me of any uncontrolled talking. I had to reflect to get the words just so, and then would miss the right moment as talk flowed on to something different. It’s hard to imagine now, but talking freely felt risky, as if an inner violence might escape my control.
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Apart from all this, there was the natural reaction anyone might have at suddenly hearing from me when I was in need of someone to talk to. Wrapped up in myself and in depression, as I was, my reaching out was an attempt to meet my own need in a one-sided way. Not only that, but my friends would not find me at all even if they wanted to listen and offer support. I wasn’t the same person because I was driven by the strange, isolating rules of depression. Even if I didn’t want to be hidden, I was nowhere to be found.
All this added up to a comprehensive strategy for remaining friendless. And that’s what it was – a series of my own actions to keep me isolated from the help that friends might offer and pull me out of the life I’d had with them. This hit me one day when I was the one who was asked to listen to a friend in the midst of a terrible depression.
I met him at a restaurant for lunch one day, and I could tell at once that he had changed in a way that made him hard to recognize. Of course, he looked and sounded the same, but there was nothing in his words or reactions that was like my friend. He was lost, partly in rage, partly in despair.
When I tried to tell him the deep sympathy I felt for what he was going through, that only made him angry. More than that, I felt a deep rage boiling inside him as his eyes stared through me with steel intensity.
It was especially hard to see him this way since I knew I was looking at myself.
What has your experience been in trying to reach out to friends when deeply troubled?
Image: Some Rights Reserved by Ashley_Rose at Flickr
Hi. I wrote “very depressed,lonely,no friends. Is there any help out there?” And this came up for me to read. Thank you to all of you who have written. I read what you say and wish I had you here as a friend. I have been trying to deal with depression for about 40 years. I am 57 but don’t really feel ancient. I don’t have a job,live in a small rural town. I don’t know! Seems overwhelming to even write anything. I have 2 sisters and 2 grown kids here that I don’t see much unless I go to them. And, of course, all they want to do is text a couple sentences, not a conversation on the phone..
Hey, I’m Garett. I’m 16 and that’s about it. Nothing else. I’m a nobody. This downward spiral of an insignificant life has just been shit and put a strain on me and my girlfriends relationship in my opinion with the fact that I’ve been depressed since before I met her at camp about 3+ months ago (probably more now) it’s shitty and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I have no friends, I’ve distanced myself from my previous friends because they bullied me to the point of being socially awkward with everyone around me basically preventing me from making friends. I just don’t care about all this bull shit I get. I come home from school and all I do is sit and wait for it all to end but it doesn’t. I have nothing to do, my friends don’t call me and my brother doesn’t even want to hang out with me because they too, bully me about me having “no friends”. I can only talk with my girlfriend about anything. But I feel bad because I think I just talk too much. She’s the only thing I look forward too this year since because it’s a long distance relationship by only a province over and that’s what I’m anticipating, seeing my only friend. I just don’t know who to relate to. She’s been through some of the same shit as me and that helps bet she doesn’t know how bad it is. I just feel like dying because I can’t stand all of this bullshit. Thanks for hearing me out or whatever. Bye…
okay Garret let me stop you there you are 16 and have a whole lifetime infront of you , i was bullied badly i was beaten i was this and i was that but so have alot of people in the world and we all just dont see that we all have a fighting battle at home at work at school wherever but if we all just gave up and locked ourselves away the world would be a dark place and it isnt it still has light in it we have to look after ourselves and others as we expect them to look after us hold yourself higher than bullies because when they grow up they will regret it because we grow older have children and BAM!! you regret everything bad you ever did but theres nothing you can do but chanve the future and be happy because your still here you are most probably a lovely person kind and if i can be 1 out of billions of people to just get through the bullshit to get where i want to be then why cant you be another and more will be just keep your head held high keep focused on working hard and do right and trust me you will be the last one laughing i hope i helped make you realise peoe out there that dont even know you care
Sounds as though you may be ahead of many men your age, if you have a girlfriend. It is fine to place some of your trust in her, if things are going well between you. High school can be awkward, but after graduation, you really will have a lot more choices and can probably then relocate, join the military, marry, seek higher education, seek employment, start a business, or volunteer. If any of these appeal to you, you could begin planning in advance what your future will be like. After age 18, it is mostly up to you how you live.
Hi I am 26 years old with very few if any true friends, for the past 5 years I have been wallowing in a terrible depression. I did alright in school had some friends, went to Uni met some cool people. However I lost my motivation. I bombed out of my degree on my third year I guess because I knew I had fked up several modules at this point and a good result was out the window.. I had to delete facebook as all my past friends having such great lives and my profile is just bare. I deleted it because I was ashamed of how sucky my life was, Birthdays especially became very awkward. The depression started midway through university. I lived in a shared house with some stoners. I enjoyed getting high and playing games. (as they did too) However eventually I was sort of ostracized from them especially through my activities or doing nothing but play games and get high I could sense their problems with me. ( a lot of them not even legitimate or me not being able to defend myself most of the time my thought process was fuck them) so I withdrew and isolated myself even more, just letting their complaints wash over me. Before they left the house I overheard one of them say that I wasn’t even human. Which did hurt as it came from one of them I thought I got on with alright.
I couldn’t get a job at the time as I had no references. (did try) Also my best friend who I knew from college and I went to the same Uni with kinda dropped me. I connected with him and believed we were good friends. However he enabled my bad behavior and enjoyed my self destructing, I allowed myself to be manipulated even though I did know it was in his nature. I decided to finish my degree via open university. Which I completed decently. During this time I got on job seekers benefits as it was next to impossible to get a job I applied to a care worker job. And they actually got back to me. I thought getting a job would be good. However I quickly realized im very awkward and shy. Im also second guessing everything I say. Often resulting in saying nothing. Also some of the other support workers are getting on that I have no friends due to quietness. One in particular who im starting not to like said he noticed im never on my phone and asked do I even have a phone. This was in front of other support workers and made me feel like such a loser. I don’t even want to go to work anymore as I think they are all going to be judging me. The only person I hang out with atm is a painter and decorator that did up our house. Hes like 46 or something. My parents I can’t really complain about we’ve always been financially secure and they always did the best for me.
Whats worse is I have the pressure of my future career, as my parents always get on at me. First it was to get a job which I did get.. Now they getting on at me for a career. It hurts me that im such a disappointment to them. Even from an early age in nursery I suffered from lack of motivation. So much so my parents took me to psychiatrists and pediatricians to see if there was anything wrong, but I was healthy and intelligent (apparently). Just feel like im in limbo now. I still get enjoyment from games but it feels empty. I get so involved in the games most of the time I don’t even complete them because I don’t subconsciously want it to end. So i’ll drop it and move onto another game. The same happens with books. My father has suffered from depression too. However he was a very successful doctor. He commonly says at my age he was a practicing doctor. I guess the weed smoking is filling an emptiness in me.. I smoke like half an ounce a week. My parents I think know or suspect. Just used to the routine of watching tv series, playing games or reading the news/watching youtube. I often look back and wish I did more and valued friendships more and worked harder for them.
Are you taking anti-depressant meds from your doctor that can help control your anxieties in social environments? it seems your down own yourself and you have very low self esteem. Most parents nag their children mine were the same until i decided to move out and be independent standing on my own two feet, yep it was hard at first because i no longer wanted to accept their help and soon learned to get by on my own money and i have never looked back!!
I took a long needed vacation …..while Gome I stopped my mess. .
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I felt just great I was bust making new friend out every day. …back to the happy me ..I returned to the states three weeks back and depression is creeping I’m
I not going back on the meds as its not medical it’s situational. People here do notsocialize they sit in boxes on social media. .it sucks .I am trying to learn how to make active frieships and it’s not easy .
.so we have to stop thinking pills will make us happy .
Hi alex….
mine is almost same story as urs…i can relate myself to urs ….but i am 25 and from last 4 years i am literally doing nothing ….almost everything same situation as u faced ..friends, family,games can be replaced with my thinking too much and internet…. and worst is career as urs..i don’t even know what to do with my life…i used to happy, energetic, funny, had friends…but now no contacts, nothing.. i don’t even know whats wrong with me i think laziness …..now i am trying to come out of situation but i can’t really…
So, how u doing now..any change ? hope u get interesting job and be success full n happy ( its weird i am writing comment)
This post really sticks out to me, especially because you posted it on my birthday. I just turned 27 and am failing out of college. I was doing really well when I started at the community college last year. I even was awarded a small scholarship for getting excellent grades in mathematics. Over the last 5 or 6 years or so I have been combating depression and low self esteem. A lot of what you mention in the post fits what I am experiencing in many ways. You are not alone.
Let me know if you find any good guidance on this. Thanks.
Hey Alex ,
Very similar experience but mines possibly even worse considering money is an issue , don’t know how to get over my self destructive nature I’m be 26 in a few months going through an MBA i see people two years younger to me motivated and doing better and have acquired jobs already whereas I was supposed to be the experienced one but am still to get a job , wanting a specific job ( a personal career goal path ) knowing that I’m capable of getting the skillset knowledge required but am just wasting away my talent being lazy and depressed all day , now I think back to the moment I decided to do an MBA I knew I would have had to interact with alot of people and be positive that was the biggest thing for me as I was a very closed person with cynical views trying not to be socially awkward , dint really have a stable upbringing with my parents always fighting and finally seperated a year ago ( I love with my mom now ) I tried to this course with all the positivity but now I have to sacrifice the career path I wanted to walk on and take up any job offering that comes by the college , feeling so down now whether I’m capable of getting a job or not ( dint get selected for a job in which I had prior experience but others younger to me with no experience did ) this has broken me and even if I land a job now ( not the one I want ) I know I’ll be an empty shell disappointed in myself I dint do better )
Stop comparing yourself to others. If you are smart, kind, degreed, and working towards goals you are doing fantastic…Everyone has a different path, long , short, effed up or otherwise. Keep applying for jobs it only takes one. Remember all jobs have are valuable and add to you your experience and skills. My husband interviewed for almost 20 jobs while in college, it took while but landed a good one that led him to a great one.
Hi everyone. So, I am a mother of 4 in my thirties. I recently found out my husband had been shooting up and smoking crack. Shortly after, my daughter came to me and told me my husband had molested her. The police took him out of my home and away from his biological children. I had become extremely depressed, I had to have someone stay with me to take care of my children. My husband was our only income and when he had to leave we lost everything. After all this happened my daughter came to me and told me my husband never touched her. She thought by saying that, that the police would make him go to rehab. He’s still not allowed in my home. I am struggling every day. I am so stressed and lonely. I have no friends and no family close by. I feel like a failure everyday. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed. How do you put yourself back together after something like this? My life has been ripped apart! I am already bi-polar, and I struggle to keep myself together. All of these added issues have really gotten to me. It’s a struggle when you have noone to talk or anyone who understands. Thanks for letting me get this out.
Thank you for sharing Nicole.
Even though we’re only distant and digital, people here are human and do read your post and empathize. I expect you never imagined life would turn out this way.
In case it helps, go to https://www.meetup.com/ enter your city then enter words like: depressed
There maybe a group nearby you can force yourself to go to if only not t be alone.
Or a ALANON meeting nearby.
Nicole, your story sounds very similar to what I have endured in my own life. After going through such experiences it is very easy to isolate and in many ways move away from people because you find yourself not knowing who to trust. I often fought this and would get myself out there only to hide again from the world when someone would break my trust. I have learmed to just kerp moving and remeber who is important like my kids. It doesnt entirely help but it does keep me moving at least. I am truly sorry you and your children had to endure these things
Hi Nicole,
I am so sorry you went through all this.
How are you feeling now?.
My kids are raised and gone.
I thought I had a best friend but she robbed me.
That is my 2nd robbery of a friend in this life.
I don’t have any family left close by.
My parents just passed.
My husband passed 5yrs ago. We were best friends.
I was married early in life for 7 yrs but I found out he was doing cocaine.
I wondered where all the money went.
I was a R.N. and had a separate account after he drained our checking account a few times.
I guess I could go on about my health but it doesn’t matter.
I feel lonely almost daily.
I try to do outside activities but I’m too depressed to get dressed some days.
Email me back if you want. I just wanted to say hi and there are ppl who feel sad and scared of what’s next.
Maybe I can help you or ech other.
God bless you.????
I feel like u alone and sad
Hello. I’m 16 but in actuality I feel like I’m in my late twenties. I have a smattering of mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety, or PTSD. My mother was clinically insane when I was growing up and my father was in constant denial and eventually succumbed to madness as well. So after years of physical and mental abuse, I finally made it out while I was in sophomore year. I currently live with my older sister, who works 3 jobs just to pay the rent in the apartment we live in. You can practically guess how dire our financial situation is just from the debt we’ve gained. Unfortunately, all I can do is work as well, and somehow keep me from killing myself. I’ve never had any real friends, due to the interference my parents had inflicted upon me, and even if I tried now, nobody wants to listen to my problems. I’ve learned too much from the past 10 years of my insignificant life that healthy people do not want to be with absolute downers. I’ve lost many so-called “friends” from just confessing that I had a shitty life. Right now, I just don’t know if I can hang on anymore. I’m very unrelatable. Asian, Genderqueer, Pansexual, mentally ill, with particularly nasty experiences.
Erin, I feel your pain from your post. I can’t say life will be easy, but you have to fight for yourself to get yourself out of your current life situation. I really need to take my own advice on that one. My Mom says I call just to “dump on her” and that she hates it. I am an adult but I have never felt like I had anyone I could talk to. I still feel like a burden to anyone that I tell my problems to. So I keep them to myself and suffer with them. We probably both could use some help. I know sometimes psychology books about depression or other problems have gave me some understanding but I am still working on making friends. It is hard to be the only person like you. I recommend volunteering. You will meet people with big hearts like you there.
Hey Eron. I can relate to you. I have PTSD having suffered from trauma early on in my life. I have anxiety and depression and although many acquatinences and people I see often no friends who really know me and not anyone I know extrmemely well and safe around. I feel like I am too fucked up to be friends with anyone on my college campus and who wants to be friends with someone who dosent even know themselves? Who isnt even very nice to them? I try to be nice and kind but I have nothing to say, I cant relate. Im trans female to male which is making things so much more difficult and making me very uncomfortbale in my skin. Im also pan and well yea..mentally ill. oh man..its a tough road..thank god for the internet.
Hi i’m only 14 years old going to be 15 in october, and theses past few years hae been really rough for me and i just need someone to let it all out on…. About 4 years ago my father that I had not seen since I was 3 years old tried to come back into my life. And at the time I had many friends at age 11, but anyways he tried to be my father again but I wouldnt let him for the first year and finally talked to him and now i see him on weekends. And about a year later I got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, and when I went back to school everyone started thinking I was dumb, and that I couldnt do anything they could and they all just started to ignore me and not want to hang out anymore. So lately I have been sitting alone at lunch and spending summers in my house not interacting with “friends”. So my life has been hard these past few years. so there is my story.
I was an only child. I learned that school was not a place for only children. It was a place where one got bullied. If you did fight back it usually hurt. I thus decided from about the age of 5 to avoid people at all times since most were only interested in either bullying you or trying to get others to bully you. Or they just wanted to get their own way. As I moved school often I was forced to be the new kid. This meant I had to learn how to fight. I soon learned that it was always the best thing to attack the chief bully, and that way victorious or inconclusive, respect was earned and people naturally stayed away from the ‘new kid’. I learned that making friends was a bad idea, as they would turn on you sooner or later. Thus I grew up totally alone. I played alone. I sat alone. I learned alone. I got very good at school, college and university. But all these things I did totally alone despite being surrounded by people (who were generally I believed potential, if not hostiles). When I went to work I was the scientist, the specialist and I learned it was better to work alone as no-one understood my work, could critique it, and the outcomes were only for the most senior people, who never argued with their expert (me). I learned that if you kept you head down, worked hard, and didn’t socialise with anyone that was a good idea, since you were never at the heart of gossip, and thus remained aloof. I didn’t ever try to get a girlfriend though was was always attracted to nice women. I didn’t try because no-one ever bothered approaching me, as I am not that attractive, though I have a smart appearance. Girls seemed to ignore me. Women continued to ignore me. I decided that they were like all other people: potentially hostile, and thus best avoided. I avoided everyone in my life. I like to avoid other people. I now work totally alone, sell my services to random people whom I will never meet, over vast oceans and that’s best for me. I don’t have depression as such, but I do have something much better: I know that when I die no-one will cry over my death. No-one will mourn me. No one will even notice. That’s a nice thought as that means I have at least given many people the avoidance of suffering. That is the greatest gift one can ever give.
I relate to this article. I am middle aged and a victim of domestic violence, betrayal and lost my home and all my possessions (almost). I found during my divorce and even now 3 years later people don’t want to be around me anymore. I am filled with problems in my life with having 2 teens – one with mental illness and my ex also has a personality disorder and will try to fill my life with chaos. So my life is nothing but ongoing problems due to be surrounded by mental illness. I now have low self esteem after being cheated on for years and being told I’m worthless by my ex repeatedly. Anyhow, people just don’t want me around I’ve noticed. During the separation when I finally told my two closest friends about the domestic violence, they started excluding me from activities and eventually dropped me as a friend. Other people acted like they cared, but they only wanted the dirt on my life. After they heard my story – they basically moved on. I had opened up to others with hopes of them becoming my friend and helping me through a tough time in my life. I am now alone most of my time. I don’t date because I’m done with men. I am to the point where I realize people don’t want to hear your problems. I don’t want friends anymore – because I find most people are very superficial anyhow. If people only want to be around me when I’m happy and productive and looking great – where is the depth of that relationship anyhow? I read, watch netflix, you tube videos, garden, etc. I go to church and help people when I can – but beyond that – no close relationships. Have one sister I talk to sometimes – she too doesn’t want to hear my problems all the time – she says its draining. It makes me sad – sure. But I keep praying to God and reading my bible and I know with time things will work out.
Hi Alice, your story sounds very much like mine. My husband was abusive and I actually never told anyone, when I eventually told a friend who I’d know for years she straight away stopped calling and including me in anything. This was years ago but now I just think well that’s really not a good friend.
People have invited me places but right now I feel so down and to be honest it’s such a drain talking to people and trying not to look so sad that someone comments on it, so I have my dog and cat and stay home a lot. I do want a life and know only I can work on this, I’m so sad, lonely but I have a hard time trusting anyone because of everything that’s happened so it’s a circle and time is marching by.
You know you’re not worthless, sorry you were told this and it does affect you that’s for sure. I’d like a good healthy relationship but am scared, my husband was so mentally abusive and I had severe depression, it was torture.
Sometimes I think okay, I’ll be fine with just me and my animals, just go for hikes etc then I think I want a life!!
One thing I have learned is not to trust someone too soon, that takes time, also not to talk about my personal stuff as so many just want to know everything then they move on to the next person.
I love to hike and my daughter keeps trying to get me to join a hiking club but I am master of procrastination!! again though only I can do it.
You have a lot going and you must take good care of yourself because you are worth it!
Hello to each of you who find yourself hete tonight..because your not out enjoying life this summer evening. Insteqd your inside reading a depression log about our friendless existence. At least we are not incarvinated…except in our own, my oen…sick mind. I’M HOPING FOR A BETTER LIFE SOMEDAY? BUT SINCE HALF OF MINE IS OVER! And I seen to have pushed most people away, I dont feel too hopeful of reestablishing an entire change of being as I would first need to bh trust in myself and others and…give a shit…lately all of that seems like a tall order. I have a great therapist..i just need him more like 8 hrs/wk versus 1hr/wk. If you can identify, and find some humor in life as i love humor..or you can contribute, or enhance my current mindset…go for it plz!!”
Allegrs
Hello to all of you on here tonight. I can identify with many of the posts here. I haved been depressed on and off since I was a child. Sometimes I still feel like a child trapped in this adult body with adult responsibilities. I have depression and social anxiety and have pushed most of my friends away. It happens if I feel I may be hurt, I get out first. I’m a very young in heart, soul, and body 56 yr old. I am very much alone, except for my 2 cats who put up with me. I have had some bad relationships which have caused me to have trust issues with men. In patticular..but if I am lied .to, which is difficult for me…i wont trust..I’m more apt to leave a relationship I have tried to build. I seem to have walked away from my family, at a young age, and from a divorce, another family. It becomes harder to build new relationships as one gets older..even if Im very active, like to camp,dance, swim, etc. Depression doesnt help that. I feel like the men my age on here who have stated that its easier being around younger people than those my age as many of my friends were, are in their30’s. I hope to get to know others here for support, friends as well.
Hi Alllegra,
I feel like I could just copy/paste all of your words, and that would be my story almost exactly. From what you wrote, I have everything in common with you except for being divorced. I’ve never been married. I’m currently in a relationship with a man, but we live together as only friends because I don’t trust him. I also had a bunch of bad relationships with men and no longer trust men in general.
I’m sorry, this can’t be helpful to you. I saw that no one has replied to you and I just want to let you know that you aren’t completely alone. I hope that helps a little. It helped me to read your story.
I also get along better with younger people, so there must be something to that. I also feel like I’m still a child inside, but living an adult’s life. Were you abused a lot as a child? I had an older sister who hit me in some way or just thoroughly beat me and tortured me for hours every day of my life. My parents were divorced and we lived with our mother who worked full-time to support us. At the end of her work day, she was too stressed to deal with my sister for abusing me. So the cycle went on and on. Ironically, this sister has pushed me away completely in life rather than vice versa. And yet I still strive to be allowed into her life!
There was all kinds of other abuse in my childhood too. Maybe this is why we continue to feel like children. Maybe we are stuck back there because it was just so traumatizing.
Are you on Facebook? I ask this because I find it very painful to see how happy other people appear to be with their family, friends, and lives in general.
I am 47 years old, so maybe I’m young enough to be someone you may relate to better or more easily!?! 🙂 I hope that made you laugh or at least smile.
Sincerely,
Christina
Hello Christina, and thx for your reply. I did find it helpful snd comforting. It’s not always easy for me to find my way, exactly back to this section of this website to reply as I’ve found myself reading alot all over this site. I use a computer all day at work and sometimes not so intetested in phone or computer in eves. Also, I have a fb act, but not a fb petson. I’M PRIV , and can only use fb to sm. Degrees. Stay in touch…I need some connection w. Others as i navigate the next steps out of my current shitty mindset.
Allegra
What does this mean?
“Also, I have a fb act, but not a fb petson. I’M PRIV”
I can relate. I am am almost 40 and in the past few years I’ve watched my life take a nosedive (not that it was so great to begin with). I suffer from years of mental abuse from my Asian mother. I had an absentee father and a rather large extended family who chose to believe I do not exist. I’m often referred to the black sheep of the family so I decided long ago that it was best to remain elusive. I won’t lie, the impromptu ‘reunions’ and family gatherings that I don’t get invited to sting a little, so I avoid social media these days because it’s too painful to endure the photos of everyone having these seemingly wonderful lives that I tell myself I’m not good enough of a person for. To boot, my marriage has started to crumble. A few years ago I gave up my career to help grow his business that he now claims he built from scratch when in actuality it was on the brink of folding until I came in, revamped the business model, increased clientele and secured enough contract work to keep it running successfully for years. I’m never treated with any respect at the office. He yells at me all the time and treats me like I’m a complete idiot. All the while his best friend’s wife is waiting in the wings to replace me (her husband is our only other employee). Of course I didn’t have the sense to put my damn name on the business liscense which means I don’t have rights to anything. I cashed out my lucrative stocks to get it going and buy necessary supplies. I worked so hard that I lost all of my friends in the process. I used to work in fashion and travel a lot. Since giving that up people, friends seem less interested in me. Every night my husband retreats into his ‘man cave’ and usually doesn’t return unless he needs a cold beer or had to use the restroom. When I tried to tell him how lonely I feel he says ‘ [we] spend all day together.’ When in actuality we are in separate rooms in the same building and when he is around me he’s yelling or belittling me. I used to be tough. I used to fight back, but now that I’m isolated and alone, have no career or source of income on my own I feel trapped. We also share a 5 year old son. Despite financially supporting both him and my husband for years I don’t have the means to do son now. I honestly did a Google search that simply read, ‘I’m ready to die.’ I love my son so much I hate that I even feel this way. I think about when he grows up and leaves me I will be completely alone and I don’t understand why. I guess I’m just sharing this to let all those things I jeep bottled up inside out. Even if no one is there to listen. It feels cathartic.
Sorry for the past/present tense change ups and misspellings. I’m trying on a cell phone.
I can totally relate to your experience. Its a battle with death daily trying to cope with anxiety and depression on top of it having no family and friends. The only thing that keeps my life going is having faith that one day it will get better. At 45 divorced and have no support structure apart from my 19 year old daughter whom im trying to get through college. Irs still a lonesome life . No one to talk to and share your daily experiences with. On top of it i force myself and deag myself out of bed to get to work not for my pleasure but to live. At times i wish we all had someone to be there for us. Waddling in tears daily late at night doenst help either . I pray Fod hwars and sees and answers all those who need his help.
hello Veno, and thanks for your message. I get lost on this site and cant always get back easily to these posts. I also use compputer, phone all day at work and some eves dont want to do eithet…most nights ! But, with my current mindset I need connection here with others and all replies are much appreciated.
I so identify with your situation, as it seems, to some degree, we all feel some lonliness to connect, and all have some depression here…or we wouldnt be here. PLZ stay in touch so we can keep each other afloat as we navigate steps moving forward? I hope!!?
Allegra
PS I like your name Veno
Thanks Allegra. Much appreciated. We should get a network support group formed in Cape Town. Im sure everyones experiences can help each other. You can mail me on email and lets see maybe we can help each other out. Veno1971 [at] gmail [dot] com. Take care and hope to connect with you.
You are the same as me. I have struggled through life for 49 years. I’m exhausted by my depression, and tired of fighting it. Recently my anxiety has increased substantially I am particularly finding it hard to hold on. Work is the biggest problem, all I want to do is lie in bed and forget and avoid.
This is where I am at. What’s the point? My older son is in college and the youngest isn’t far behind. I have been alone and single for over 10 years trying to focus on being a mom. No what? I have no friends and no partner. I don’t have a dramatic back story. I am plain. My family is far away. I just want to go to sleep.
Wow….In my intelligence, I do so realize there are so many others like me out there. We all reach out in different ways, but being that I have isolated myself as much as any person could, I am now trying to figure a way out of my own trappings.
I moved away at 18; I am now 58. Made my way in a new state and found friends. Mainly through my work places, but being that I spent 99% of my time at one place of business, it was easy to have others to connect with. I spent 30 years away. I let myself down by hitting a bottom I never thought I would and ended up moving back to my hometown that I never liked even as a kid. I am still here and it feels as though I have been dropped into the Twilight Zone. Most people are ultra conservative (I lived in the Northeast before…much more suited for me) and I know that my lifestyle is not one of their favorites. Needless to say, I leaned on my mother for these last 12 years and felt somewhat safe. Well, I lost her a little over a year ago and have found myself really seeing what I have allowed to happen to me. I have closed myself off so much that there is not one person I can even call to talk to. I have a sister (here) and one back where I lived, my father and that is it. I don’t have anything in common with either sister b/c their lives are set up in relationships/marriage and they have their own friends/lives. I am the middle child. My mother always had extra time for me b/c, even as a kid, she knew I was quiet and more introverted.
I did have one very close friend that I met up in CT that we have known one another since 1983. When I left there, she left 1 month prior to me and ever since we have separated, her life has taken its’ own direction (she still works, has a g/f, etc.) and my life went into a huge black hole. We don’t talk much at all now. A text here and there and no real conversations. I get a blip once in a while on FB…whoopie.
So, here I am…I exist..I do not live my life..I exist within the confines of it that I know I have set. It has become so draining to even try anymore. No, I don’t want to off myself..just am so tired of the silence..It has become a chore to keep trying to do things just to keep busy…What do i do? Any thoughts?
Melissa….I too…..survive, but don’t really live or feel genuine joy or happiness. Your post sounds alot to me like my life today.
So what do you do? I mean you….I have wondered how to be comfortable around myself anymore. I try, every minute of every day, not to focus on how silent things are or how I don’t even need a damn phone (as it rarely rings). I have to talk to myself [out loud or silently] to keep me from dropping into despair. It is a fight every single day, but I keep trying. I know there are things I could try, but b/c of where I am, I really want little connection with the people here as explained with their narrow minded thinking. There are a few good people here, but still, they exist in the programmed mentality that affects everyone else, so I keep my thoughts to myself…
I did have a friend here who ended up moving to Columbus(Ohio) that i have recently shared my exhaustiveness with and he told me that he came to the conclusion that the people who have spent their entire lives here and those who just seem to fit here, they have their own people…He said, “Those are not my people”..I agreed completely. He is gay and he completely understands my struggles here and why I have gone inward. He did the same. He was harassed and many times, threatened b/c of who he is…That is yet one more reason why I keep myself hidden. Very sad state of affairs. So, I exist…I try, each day, to manage through another one. I stay here ONLY for my aging father and when (and I know this sounds bad) he is gone, so am I. I will sell my home for whatever i can get and leave immediately. Not sure where to, but to be somewhere where i can be me and have outlets that i can try for and be part of, that is my plan. For now though, I wait and hope this place doesn’t poison what is left of me…
Hi there Melissa.Thanks so much for your reply
I’m a pediatric RN…I’m working parttime in a super busy clinic position I’m struggling to maintain. I lost my parents in 08, 09 and my son lost his first love in 2010, then he became addicted to heroin. I have been out of an abusive relationship for one yr. I feel alot like you in that I’m safer today not speaking my truths as I’m so depressed much of the time I really feel safer on my own, at home but lead a meaningless existence with no love except from my cats. At work its difficult for me to listen to others laughing as I feel overworked and constantly worried, waiting for the next bit of shitty news I have to work through. My resilience isn’t what it used to be, and I have lost my zest for life. Sometimes I think I’d like to quit work, pack my shit, and go on a trip somewhere I’ve never been, and never come back. Im great at feeding my cats, paying bills, being responsible but I feel like happiness, joy is for others and when im around those who seem to have some, im jealous instead of happy for them. I hate my life these days. Normally im not such a whiner but lately i even hate being around myself…im in therapy and my therapust lets me direct my care which seems kinda fruitless at this pt. As im so depressed by his tidbits of wisdom for me that death seems favorable to life. I do feel like im walking dead now as inside im very sad, lonely and alone. I have always been the ultrasensitive type which seems to have made me vulnerable to much abuse. So, now at 56 im dealing with that trauma for the first time which seems about 25 yrs too late. Im sorry that im venting here, rathet than asking about you. I apologize for my rudeness in that. Do you work or are your a caregiver to your parent? Do you have kids? Plz tell me more about yourself. My parents met at Ohio State. My mon was from Uniontown, my dad was from Cleveland. I hope your doing ok tonight.
Hello again! It sounds like parts of your life mirror mine. I think I have explained my consternation of my living situation (IE. my location) but I am grateful for some of it b/c I did get to spend the last 12 years of my mother’s life with her. We got to be very close and I learned more about her than I ever had. She truly was the very best friend I could have ever asked for. I miss her every single day. My father is still alive at 86. He lives in the same house we all grew up in here. I live about 4 blocks away from him now. I do, along with my younger sister, take care of his needs. He is still driving and able to go out for his weekly breakfasts (which he finally asked me along for right after my mom died) and even do a once a week golf excursion and that is fine. He has all of his faculties and seems to be able to manage (for now). If he needs anything, I am there. My younger sister works at her own business and lives about 25 minutes away, so it is up to me to do what is needed if the need arises.
Anyway, I find my life as only as existing now. It is hard, at times, to find my way. I find myself trying to busy myself with whatever I can do, but what hurts the most in me is knowing there’s really not one person I can call my friend and say “Hey, let’s go do something” or “How about a movie?” That makes me feel very empty and sad. I used to have people around me when I lived in CT. and still do, once in a while, talk to my friend in Maryland. She and I met in CT. back in 1983 (I think I mentioned that before) and I miss having our weekend time together. She made a new life for herself there and seems to be doing great. I should be happy for her, but find myself feeling jealous and wondering what she has that I don’t. That has bothered me for a long time now. We both left CT. in 2002. Needless to say, she had a g/f for over 10 years that she has since left, but, after 9+ years of being “friends” on FB with her ex from before I knew her, she and her have found their way back to one another and seem, very strong. That would be great news for someone in a better frame of mind. Again, I am jealous. I have an ex that I never got past that we broke up under very odd circumstances that I have reconnected with, but she is married (to a woman of course) and even though we have talked, it just doesn’t have the same fire as my friend’s seems to have taken on. Of course, thinking about my ex, it makes me feel more empty inside b/c I know that is going backwards. Why would I want that for myself? Oh well.
So, as you can see, I find myself feeling jealous instead of happy for others happiness. It is not a good feeling and I do question myself in my head, as to why I do that. I guess it all boils down to not having anyone to share anything with. I have cats as well. I had always been a dog person, but I rescued my two from the shelter and now have a 3rd b/c she showed up on my doorstep. She doesn’t spend much time inside like my others (who are always inside), but I make sure she is fed and cared for.
You mentioned hating to be around yourself. I completely understand that one all too well. I want to escape my own trappings of me and my mind, but we all know that isn’t possible. Well, we can, however, try to make the changes needed to ease that one up, but it is very difficult. I have done that before and was doing great (when I was working) but it has become a chore to retrain my brain again to like me and help myself. I do not think of giving up at all, but it is just a chore, every single day, to try to maintain that positive attitude that my mother always encouraged me to do. I want to be happy, but am lost as to how to move in the right direction.
Ultrasensitive. What a great defining word we both share. I am ultrasensitive as well. I guess it all comes with the territory that we are both finding ourselves in. Change is so hard, but I think we both need it, right?
I keep telling myself that it will be better once I leave this town. I don’t think that is true though. I know it will take ME to make the changes I need to be happy anywhere. I could be on the best beach in the world and still feel alone, sad and depressed. So, recognizing that, I know I need help. I do not go to any therapist. I did years ago for many years. I got lots of help and have kept many things from those sessions inside to use if need be. I need to refer back to many now I guess.
So, let me end this book and explain my personal info a little.
I have never been married. I am gay. No kids (however much it upset my mom that I am who I am and not being the happy straight girl) nor did I ever want any. I do not work anymore, but I did for 3)+ years (and still do contract work for my brother-in-law)…I am a Mechanical Designer by trade…Anyway, I am on disability right now (which lends to more depression) b/c of having two very messed up knees that I am slowly getting corrected. I am 58 years old. My family is from Ohio. I was born in Ohio, but grew up in WV. My parents met in Ohio. They grew up 15 minutes apart. I do wish my mom had done more homework on my father as he ended up being quite the unhappy individual, but no matter what, she always remained happy. True angel.
Okay, your turn now…Hoping you are as well as can be to
Hello there Melissa..sorry this reply has taken so long…loved your long message and appreciate it greatly.. your sitch, life, sensitivities are so like my own.
It feels like I had some form of anxiety, depression right out of the womb as as long as I can recall I felt different, experienced life differently than my othet 4 sibs, and I cried tons more than any of them. I have one sis whom it seems was more jealous of me than loving and our experiences in life seem as though we were raised in different homes , in different families but according to 23and me we are blood sisters..hehe. shesvalways been a huge bitch…theres no other way to express her, and she was never able to love me in ways that I longed for her to do so. She also was spared the sexual abuse that thevremaining 4 sibs entailed. Today, a couple of my brothers and I do have fairly good conversations, and care for each othet but we live in several , opposite ends of the US so dont have close bonds, we do have love. I like that you identify with alot of my story.Its helpful to find that as even if its only here..its a beginning.. my mom was fron Uniontown and Canton..family in
Columbus..My dad from Cleveland. Basically, my family , wasvraised in upstate NY..as the only Jews in a tiny town of mainly Irish catholics…mostly related. So we stuck out you might say!! I see myself as somewhat of a sapio these days..I fall in love with stimulating minds..but see myself as hetero…Today, I see myself as a lonely, loner with 2 cats and a grown sonwith a herion addiction that I see only seldom.
Stay in touch..keep em coming sista..hehe
Allegrs
Hello again!
Depression is inherited…I think they proved that anyway, but I have the same issue. My mother had it, but always kept her mind positive and dealt with it without being medicated at any time. I had seen therapists for years (as I said) and they did help. The last woman I saw was someone me and my ex saw. I didn’t know this at the time of first seeing her, but, of course, found out later when my ex and I met up in one of her group meetings. Needless to say, she was very helpful. She helped me through (as much as she could) my breakup as well. It was weird knowing we both went there afterwards, but we both quit as well. Odd.
I think depression can lay dormant for so long and can be triggered when something stressful or whatever happens, out it comes and off we go…I try to keep mine at bay as much as possible, but sometimes I think it may be better to allow myself the time to just feel bad…Not sure…
I am glad you have some contact with your siblings. It’s important to be able to have that. My two sisters (I think I told you I’m the middle child) and I do talk. I have more regular conversations with my older sister. My younger one has lived here her entire life and we have very little in common. She is as conservative and “red-neck” type. I am as opposite as I can be of that kind of life. I only see her when she drops off her dog each Wednesday and then when we spend time at my father’s house. She cleans for him every other week and then we go the other Wednesday to just help and visit. I think he enjoys that company. Needless to say, I do not have a lot of contact with anyone on a regular basis, so it makes it tough. I find it hard sometimes, to watch others around me seemingly having a decent life with someone. I have eliminated that part of my here. Maybe if I get away and get my life back on track, who knows?
A Sapio? I looked that up (sorry for my lack of knowledge on that one) …It defines that as being someone who is attracted to intelligent men? Urban dictionary says that anyway.
Well, do they have a gay version of that? Ha Ha
Well, I have to ready myself for my Sunday breakfast with my dad and his friends.
I would love to delve deeper into our chat here. I do feel that we have some commonalities that, at the very least, let us discuss.
Oh, and by the way, my entire family is German I have the light hair and blue eyes to match. Well, my hair is platinum blonde now since I am older, but I did have very light hair. (BTW, I do not use any process for my hair as I wanted to be natural). My 2 sisters, on the other hand, do hair coloring…I find it a bit vain, but hey, who am I to say?
Well, I better go and get ready….
I hope your day is great and please write back….Enjoying the conversation.
Where did you go? Hoping you are okay and things are manageable for you…
I dont know. I really dont know anything. Met the family on my fathers side for the first time in my adulthood and nothing is as expected. I dont have friends after school at home (ones whom I could actually go out and do something with). But I could always use the internet as my buffer and when that didnt work my family. Here I have no internet and I have family that I have known for less than 2 months in my entire life. My parents were worried about me going crazy and partying and drinking due to different age restrictions here, but i have never been like that previously so why now? I share a bedroom with my cousin and thought that it would be really awesome like having a sister your own age but so far it has been me faking that I have friends as she texts on her phone to 1001 people. I was asked last week to go with my aunts and cousins out somewhere and I had fun and thought that they did as well. How would I really know though? My father warned me about when the asked me to go to the club with them to keep my head on straight. I said to him that I didnt think that they would invite me. I was lying. I wished and really thought they were. I walked into my room right now with my cousin dressing up fancily, no communication given to me whatsoever. I assume she is either going on a date or to a club. She’ll ask me to go with her. She doesnt. She asks me to zip her up and leaves. I learn later that she went with my other female cousin somewhere (Im of age wherever they went I could have as well). I guess they didnt like hanging out with me as much as I did with them. It is during that moment that I find I was right all along, I have no friends or people who want to hang out with me unless they have to. What can I do? Nothing. Ive tried, talked to strangers to friends asking them for some social time. Any time, to make me feel better and make my parents think that I am not such a loser. Anyway, any advice that could be offered would be helpful. Thank you for reading this and understanding the some of the hardest moments in my life to deal with.
i want to make this as brief as possible but as detailed as i possibally can..i’m 61 years old. i have always looked younger than my real age.when in my mid 30’s i began to hang out with people as much as 10 to 12 years younger than me. I easily passed for mid and early 20’s when i was in my 30’s and i was even hannging out with people as young as 18 and 19 at one time..as a person that would be considered a 70’s raised person,i became attached to the 80’s and especially MTV ,music videos and the current pop and rock music in general of that era..when my appearance began to show a more 40-ish year old side(by then i was in my late 50’s and almost 60) younger people in their 20’s weren’t so desirous to hang out with me.my interests in music and movies didn’t stagnate as i got older//i enjoyed much of the current music and music videos of the 90’s and 2000’s and now the 2010’s..much UNLIKE others my own age.I never as of yet have felt the sluggishness of getting older.i feel as healthy and AM as healthy,according to the doctor,as any very healthy 35 year old.again i say UNLIKE others my own age..i’m still attracted to hanging out with younger people and often they seem to be attracted to converse with me ,as in restaurants at night and in public generally (Until i mention my age,so i don’t anymore..ever).So here’s my problem..People my own age have nowhere near the same interests i have as i’m obsessed with music–ALL KINDS except rap and hip hop..especially 80’s an 90’s and basically the music videos not so much the audio cd’s..i don’t think of myself as 61 because i don’t look it and i don’t feel it!! How am i supposed to believe i’m 61 when my normal walking speed is so fast that often times if i were walking any faster,i’d be running..and i have no body pains..no physical limitations..i’m so limber i wrestle under the bed with my dog as well as drop and roll off the bed to the floor when we play really rough..many of my neighbors in the 55plus complex i live in still believe i’m too young to qualify to live here and don’t understand why the management has let me stay(that’s actually funny,but flattering).So here i am a 61 year old man,will be 62 in September (2016) i feel much younger,interests are younger ,health is that of a younger person,i enjoy movies most my age do not(i love horror and i like a lot of current stuff too as well s 80’s and 90’s but older than 80’s) while,people my age seem to be in to john wayne movies and such i do not at ALL get into them..i do not enjoy ,as so many my age do ,channels like the history channel or the classic this and that channels that offer old black an white movies..i have no interest in movies of the 1950’s for example..So many my age go on and on about all that stuff i don’t enjoy and have NO interest in anything i DO enjoy..As a 61 year old man i am totally lonely..nobody my age has any interest in my interests and younger people are ok to hang with but i can’t rely on them for super close best friend ,emotionally connected relationships..I wish i could but reality bites!.I don’t often listen to 70’s music as it’s just not my preference and i also list that decade as the most disinteresting,useless decades of all..Of course people my age would disagree..I’m an 80’s fan after all! 10 years ahead of myself somehow..well..wait..i’m not done yet..i’m also disabled and unemployed..i have a sleep disorder and years ago made the decision to sleep days and stay awake nights.can’t meet people in the days cause they’re at work or otherwise but not out hanging at diners trying to meet people..On the other hand NOBODY seems to be hanging out trying to meet people anymore,as it seems like everyone has their own group of friends and nobody outside the group enters because nobody in the group is looking to let new people in..ie,people who have friends aren’t out there trying to make NEW friends.Society has changed a whole whole lot.The internet is the new meeting place which is a disadvantage to people like me!! People decide right away online whether thy like me (or anyone else for that matter) and want to become friends or not. people can google a personality trait and pick who their friends are just like you check and pick out tomatos in the store..no use in geting to know anyone when you an find them like magic by typing in google “i love porn, watermelon and pork rhines” ..well..you know what i mean…people don’t care to meet face to face and decide if thy like ya anymore..it’s too risky or too difficult or just plain takes too much time to get to know someone if you can just type it out in a text field .//well..i’m lonely and you know why now..put it all together ..i’m not desired as a hang outtable friend by either young people or my own age –i’m stuck inbetween somehow ..young people don’t like my age..people my age don’t like my more youthful thinking and interests..and one more thing–i’ma christian,,nota legalist .i don’t believe it’s R movies or listening to Aerosmith that damages the spirit ..But still..ya add up all of what i said here and i don’t know that i’ll ever meet anyone that has my interests because they’re too diverse and on a younger level than the interests of people my own age –I can’t become un-obsessed because those interests are my interests..period.. and likewise ,i can’t become interested in things i’m just not interested in(which has been suggested to me by some-ie, “find new interests”) that doesn’t help because i want friends who have my major interests and that’s normal!! and here’s another fact about me.i prefer having one best friend over having a group of just ‘good’ friends..google hypersensitive people and that explains me.or ultrasensitive people.If anyone is in the same boat i’m in will ya let me know? i’ve searched the internet high and low for others like me but i have absolutely not found one person..and out of millions of people on the internet you’d think i’d find at least one right? but nope!!
Hi Dennis,
While I was reading your post I was thinking YES!! that’s me!! So…there are others like us!
I just turned 56 and have always felt younger, honestly I feel 35! I love being active, I love to hike trails and in the wilderness, run with my dog, just have to move, that’s what makes me happy.
I also walk fast! People tell me I was so fast, slow down but I’m passing much younger people in Walmart!!
I find a lot of people my age are stuck in their ways, so when I ask them to go hiking their look is one of horror! Let’s go, let’s go for a run, a day trip, somewhere! nope, they just want to sit inside watching TV. Even a lot of 40 year olds are old before their time, it amazes me.
I have been looking online for a hiking group near me, one I found had pictures of people in their twenties! I also feel stuck in between age groups, I really feel it.
Jusr want you to know I am the same way! sometimes when I’ve met people and they find out my age their faces drop, then I feel old! 56 sounds old to them even though I don’t feel it, it’s so hard.
Hi…guess what, I am exactly your age, even same month. Although I don’t necessarily feel the same way you do because I like old movies and 70s music and I don’t walk fast and am not that limber…But I do feel younger than my actual age. Staying up all night is a different way to live for any age, I think. I’d say give people your age a chance, not everyone is stodgy and set in their ways, and even if they may look or seem older then you, they may have a young outlook. My friend who is in her 80’s has one of the most energetic and loving outlook of anyone I know of any age. Good luck to you!!
Hey friendless people out there, I posted an add on Craigslist for friends with mutual interests. It’s free and you can leave the post up for a very long time. I met a couple of friends, and remember friendship takes time and patience and careful not to scare people away because you’ve made a new friend. It’s kind of like dating-play it cool and calm until you can trust them and then you can be more excited and hang out way more often. Everyone is going through a different level of pain or difficulty in life every day so hang in there-this too shall pass, keep looking:) also check the friends only posts on Craigslist and you may find some that have potential. I am 29 and new to the area with kids so I have little time and completely alone-I am motivated to find my people and establish good friendships that happen organically. Don’t ever let anyone bully or disrespect you at any cost. Good luck in your search!!
“The first time I saw one this blunt, I reacted almost defensively, laughing as I recalled an old film in which a man hires a private detective to find out why he has no friends.”
Does anyone know what this film or movie is ?
As I recall, it’s Truffaut’s Stolen Kisses, one of the films with the character Antoine Doinel.
John
I’ve grown up my entire life without havin’ friends. Throughout Elementary and Middle school the only friend I had was my cousin, and my other girl friend who was and still is a boy crazy nut-job and who is impossible to talk too because it’s always about her next best “boyfriend” or “everyone’s looking at me because they want to date me but I already have a boyfriend!” Most days at school I would eat alone because my friend would have her table overfilled with boys and not a space left for me. I’d tried making friends but nobody reached out to me. I wasn’t anyone’s partner choice in a group project and by nineth grade, I’d dropped out and started homeschool. I’ll be 18 by September and I’m feelin’ more lonely then ever before. I’ve considered just friending people on Facebook who go to my old school and striking up conversation but all of them are friends with one of my bullies and my anxiety/depression of being rejected stops me from trying to speak to them, rather it’s online, or face-to-face. I fear the rejection and therfor avoid the situation altogether. I want friends, but I just don’t know where to start…
Hey CJ, I’m in somewhat of a similar situation as you. Read my long message and you’ll understand my problem. I to am very lonely, depressed and have intense anxiety. But I think people with anxiety are just people who care more than others. I may not be the best person to help because my life right now is being drowned by depression, anxiety, paranoia, and other bad things (you’ll know what the other bad things are if you read my message). But I hate the fact that people have to go through this stuff for no apparent reason. You don’t need to feel intimidated or anything by me because trust me I only want the best for you and myself. They say two nagatives make a positive, maybe we should talk and turn the two nagatives that are us into positives. Do you got a PS4 or PS3? We could play online just tell me your username. I hope the best for you and I hope I can get my fucked up problems fixed somehow as well. Good luck.
Hi, Logan. I do not have a PS4 or a PS3. I’m not really much of a gamer. I just read your comment and I feel your situation in some aspects. I’m not depressed to the point of wanting to die but I am struggling understand my point in this universe when I do nothing but sit and watch it all go by…I have an E-mail, if you’d like to talk to me personally on a different site;
thefriendlesschick (at) yahoo (dot) com
Hi CJ, Have you tried volunteering or a meetup.com group ? The hardest part is actually going. You might not make a best friend but you may! I need to get out too. I get lazy and shy to go out. Try a new thing maybe. You will make friends someday soon. Highschool sucks the worst it will get better. Also do you work? Most people make friends at work.
PLEAS HEAR ME OUT!! IF YOU CAN PLEASE HELP ME!! I’m very depressed and it keeps getter worse. I’m extremely lonely and just want someone I can relate to and have stuff in common with. I’ve got depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I wish I could just find what I need, whatever that may be. I’m 15 soon to be 16 in a couple of weeks. I’ve determined that I was a more sad than happy person when I was 13 and just kind of tried my hardest to ignore it back then. It wasn’t easy but I managed to just walk through the pain. When I was 14 it got a little worse but not to much had really changed, I had the odd happy moment but for the most part was sad. When I turned 15 (which is what i am now, soon turning 16) it got intensely worse. School was never my strong suit (nor is anything really I guess but my point is I’m not good at school) I was failing classes and had no friends(nor have I ever had any real friends). It’s not that people were mean to me it’s that I live in a very small community so there is not a lot of people around to make friends with. I like video games, heavy metal, rock n roll, comic books and other stuff similar to those. There’s nobody around where I live who is interested in that kind of stuff. I’m the black sheep and it fucking sucks. So I couldn’t even say I was failing because I was hanging out with friends to much I was just doing nothing at home and failing. I did however end up just barely passing grade 10 but towards the end of the year it got pretty bad for me. I was so scared and nervous about thinking I was going to fail and what people and my family would think of me and just tired of being so lonely and sad and even tired of being tired all the time if anyone can understand that. I started to have thoughts on ending it all (if you know what I mean) and started taking random pills before I would go to sleep with thoughts of not waking up the next day but it never worked. In the middle of the year if I was just having a plane bad day I would get high off pills before heading to school to get me through the day but that was only an every now and again thing until the end of the year when it was basically an almost every day thing (if your wondering were I got the pills from I just got them from the medicine cabinet at my house when no one is around or looking, I don’t bum them off the street or anything). I hated it when I was in class and the teacher would let us move are desks around and everybody would go into groups with there friends and I was always that awkward quite guy with no friends who sat alone. Or if we did work with partners and I would always be that one person who would either work alone or be forced with someone who didn’t want to be with me and get them mad at me for being there partner. My anxiety never handled that stuff very well. I have anxiety attacks about almost everything, I even sometimes wake up in middle of the night so hot and sweaty and panicky feeling for no reason and just sit there sad, sweaty, and lonely. And that’s if I can fall asleep at night before 6:00am. I blame waking up at night on my crazy anxiety. I thought that after school was over if I passed it would be very good to lift my spirits up. But it didn’t. My spirits stayed deep in the ground. I was relieved that I hadn’t failed but extremely sad about having no friends. I honestly started using more pills after school was out just cause I’m so depressed and lonely. Earlier today I snorted some crushed up pills to get high and try to get my mind off the world. I’m not high at the moment, the high affect wore off a while ago. I don’t know what kind of pills they were or what was in them but ther in me now. I can’t tell my family or anybody because I don’t want them to judge me or be sad or disappointed at me. I just don’t want anyone to think badly of me, I really don’t. My parents separated when I was a baby. I have a mom, step dad, and dad but no step mom. My dad used to be suicidal when around my age for a while but not anymore. He doesn’t know about my depression nor does any of my other family members. I really like my dad but since I don’t live with him I don’t often see him (I haven’t seen him in the past 10.5 months) I’m very good at hiding my sadness (of course one of the only things I’m good at is something that harms me, just my shitty luck). When talking to my mom or step dad I act like a happy person but when I go into my room that’s when I just breakdown and pace in circles and lay in my bed worried about what they or even anybody thinks of me and think about how much of a piece of shit idiotic moron I am while having stressfull anxiety attacks and just crying to myself because I’m fed up and feel like there may be no more happiness in me. I sometimes think that I’m just a spoiled little bitch because I’m not poor (not rich either I’d call my house middle class) and I still hate myself. It’s funny because when I was younger around the age of 10 or so I always thought why people would want to kill themselves because that ment absolutely giving up and I couldn’t see why someone would ever do that back then. I actually used to be a somewhat of a happy person. Not anymore sadly. I now see why people would do that stuff because I do it. Popping pills and snorting pills cause I’m so depressed and feel both anxious and paranoid about the littlest things. I just really need someone to help me through this hell because it’s getting to the point were I’ve felt so sad in the past instead of getting used to it I just feel worse when more pain hits me. I can’t take anymore. I’m scared that I’m gonna take the wrong pills (not that any of them are ever the right ones) and actually end it. I feel so sad, lonely, confused, anxious, scared and tired all the time. I fear failure but just don’t have the urge to be productive and do things. I want friends or even just a friend. I want to be alone at times but I hate being lonely (if you can understand that). I just want to be happy. I don’t want to have to ask for your pity I’m just all out options and pretty soon this lonely guy may very well just end it all. Please don’t think badly of me I just want someone to be there. I just want see the happiness in the world to get me to want to live.
Please someone help me!!!!
PLEASE SOMEOME HELP ME!!!!!!!!
I’m just some 15 soon to be 16 year old guy who has depression, anxiety, paranoia and is very very lonely and needs help to live a happy life.
If anyone is curious I also don’t have any siblings, any close cousins or people like that to try and make me feel better so don’t suggest that if you were going to. Please help. me I’m turning 16 September 2 and already have anxiety about driving (along with everything else). Please help me.
Hi,
Im 15 I struggle with depression. The last couple years I’ve had a very hard time making friends. At school I sit alone at a lunch table no one try’s to make sure I’m okay or even makes the effort to talk to me. Sometimes during school I go in the bathroom and cry because no one cares about me. I used to have close friend but she found better friends and ditched me. I honestly hate my life so much I want to find someone who actually can relate to me.
~Mack
I think I can relate to you. I to want friends by can’t get any. Maybe we could be friends, we could play playstation or talk on email. If you want just give me your playstation username and or email. I would really like to talk to you, I just feel so lonely I kinda crave interaction right now. I really hope you do have an email or playstation account we can talk on I would really like to stop being lonely, plus were the same age. We can really relate.
~Logan
It is actually pretty hard at any age, even for adults, to make friends if there is no shared activity. This is one reason that gyms and churches are full of adults. Are there any clubs or teams in your school that might interest you? Joining one gives you something to do that other people are doing and plenty to talk about with them that is fun or interesting. Music, sports, and clubs are traditional ways of meeting people and developing personal skills in high school. A part-time job after school is another possibility, with the added advantage that you would increase your financial assets by having a regular paycheck. Best wishes.
Hello Logan,
I know you can’t understand what a prize this is, but your youth is a fabulous benefit. You have the time to work things out. You will appreciate that more later. It sounds as though you need a bigger circle of people to pick friends from. Is there any way to find more people? What kinds of hobbies do you have?
Stop taking pills. It will only make your problems worse to make yourself sick. Stop that now. It is dangerous, and you really don’t truly want to hurt yourself. Don’t blame yourself for your feelings. People here don’t. Realize that you are miserable because you do care about yourself. Since this is true, it means you can at some point take care of yourself and do the practical things that will put you in contact with people to help you chip away at your loneliness.
Back to the subject of pills. It sounds as though you are in dire need of a psychiatrist who can prescribe anti-depressants. They will take the edge off your misery so you won’t feel the extreme sadness that causes you to write capital letters and exclamation points. Once the edge is off, you will feel less urgent.
I have been there many times. Take care of yourself. It does get better. It really, really does.
Thanks. Seriously though thanks for trying to make it better. But it’s harder than you think. I feel like I’m waiting for a perfect ending that will never come. I think people with anxiety are just people who care a lot more than others. I’m trying to play my cards right, it would be a lot easier if I had a better hand but I’ll have to make do with the hand I’m given, I’m really trying. I can’t tell anybody because I well just can’t, anxiety would destroy me if I did. Thanks again for even bothering to reply what you thought. I hope more people who are similar to me tell me there thoughts and try to help me. Thank you.
My mom had crippling anxiety and depression. I saw how afraid she was. Being a toddler, I did not understand what was happening, but now I do. A few things were overlooked that would have helped her. She tried religion, but it might have increased the guilt and frustration, being so theoretical. Fresh air and exercise might have been better. If anyone takes a daily walk in a safe location, they do feel better. It is unavoidable to benefit physically and mentally from outdoor exercise. Indoor exercise is nearly as helpful. So, walking briskly outdoors or in a mall in snowy weather can help. So can bicycling. The motion, change of scenery, and new faces around you all make a dufference, as does fresh air. You also sleep better and wake up feeling good if you walk or cycle daily. Four times a week with three days off is a good start if daily is too much. A man I knew was so discouraged that he checked into a hospital. After taking up bicycling, he later told a girlfriend that exercise had become the most important part of his life. Running is another possibility. Competitive sports are not as helpful because you do meet a lot of competitive people who tend to put you down. It is individual exercise that helps the most. Best regards.
wow,you sound like me but i’m 61 ..funny..backwards that’s 16,lol..you like metal you said.. i collect music videos and just thought you might like this >>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sS3etekr54k
it’s nightwish ..i left a comment on this page also..i know that 61 sounds ancient but read my comment that i typed here about my lonliness..please don’t seriously think about ending it all because ending it all is something you can’t take back later..and dude,you don’t know just where ending it might take you..maybe to a place that’s even more lonely and painful ..you really don’t want that ya know?if you want to email me let me know..i guarantee i’m not the type to preach down to you like a grandpa or dad because as i say in my comment here,i don’t feel older or the sluggishness of age ,so i don’t think of myself in that manner.and btw…Do you lay in bed when trying to sleep and move or ‘kick’ your legs(what’s called kicking in bed) because of tension??..just curious..I’ve been diagnosed as being bipolar by one dr and as just having severe stress by another..but my sleep dis order was diagnosed by both.. i’m also middle class even though i receive child benefits from my dad passing away in november of last year..i don’t lack for much..not rich by any means.i was raised in a middle cas home so those ‘traits’ and middle class notions and behavior stuck with me..thank god for that ya know?I’d be happy to talk to you any time Logan.Take peace in knowing somebody does understand where your coming from.
Dennis and Other Bloggers,
I found your comments similar to my experiences and beliefs. I have been so depressed lately, and the world is getting more complex and difficult than it needs to be. I question my existence I know it’s been a few days since you posted, but I’d like to communicate with you and some of the other members. Let me know if you want to chat and compare notes.
Melanie
Hey Logan. I feel in the same boat as you..I’m a 17 year old girl and I’ve always felt like I could never relate to other girls my age who’re just obsessed with magazines, reality TV, pop music. I like more of the stuff you said you were into which aren’t really common with anyone here so I’ve never had many friends, and even the ones that I have had- I feel like they all hated me. If you ever need someone to talk to you can email or Kik or even talk to me on Facebook because I feel alone as hell as well and just want someone to be able to relate to sometimes about our shitty, stressful, depressing lives, and be able to help each other. Please don’t end your life or do anything to hurt yourself.
Hey everyone, I’m 26. As the days go by I feel like my past haunts me everyday. It fustrates me because I wish I can move on from all the messed up things my parents did to me. I dealt with physical abuse with one parent and when the other one leaves I deal with pure mental abuse. Nothing can ever satisfy my father. This man will talk about things I have done in high school and I am 26 now. He makes me feel like a failure in life because I didn’t finish college. I tried. My problem was this idiot kept playing in the back of my head over and over about my past. Today was my boiling point. I lost the diamond to my promise ring and he just kept talking about all the crap I use to do in the past all because he is mad because I couldn’t see him today. He doesn’t respect my relationship as a lesbian. All he does is complain. Sometimes I wish I can cut him off for good but it’s hurts me inside because he is the only parent I have. I’m tired of feeling like nothing and being compared to other people. Some mornings I wish I can drown myself in a tub of water. What’s messed up is I told him how I felt but he doesn’t care. I’m tired of battling this depression alone….
It will be fine guys just keep telling yourself that
I’m only 19 years old and I hate my life. I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember and as each year passes it gets worse. Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely, I have no boyfriend and I feel like I’m starting to lose friends. I hate how when people need someone to talk to I’m right there, but when I need support there’s no one around. I had to listen to one of my friends complain about her exes almost everyday on the phone, but when it’s my turn and I want to spend time with her she rejects it because she doesn’t want her partner to get mad and now we barely talk anymore because of her gf. I’m tired of this. having very low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and loneliness all combined is the worst and I would never wish it on anyone. The only thing good about my life is my family, I love them alot. But on the days when I actually leave my house, I wish a car would drive on the sidewalk and kill me.
I am in a very similar situation. I’m 19 as well and everyone that was important to me (besides my family) abandoned me. Not a day goes by that I don’t want to kill myself. But I feel you and I hope things can get better. Just know that you’re not alone in this.
Thank you. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone even though I feel like I am. I hope you get through what you are going through too, you’re life is precious.
Thank you
I had a friend like that. I spent five years hearing her phone calls to me about her divorce. Then her new boyfriend and his ex wife told her that they do not like me. I never see her anymore. She has dozens of new friends, now that she has broken up with both her former husband and her new boyfriend (with his ex and their kids). I have a lot of new friends … who broke up with their gourmet husband a year or two ago. Probably what happened with your friend is nothing personal. Romantic breakups definitely cause the person who broke up to seek new friends … and often to dump the old ones. I had to get used to it. My town is full of breakups. These days I do not spend as much time hearing the details. They all find someone new in the end. That person wants them to have different friends. These people are in their fifties, too, not in their teens. So you might as well look for new friends yourself … preferably at least six or seven, in case someone loses touch with you because of their personal life or a breakup with their romantic partners. Breakups can cause a person to get rid of every friend who knew their ex. I have seen it happen many times. Good luck.
I am dealing with this but dealing with it alone. I hurt so bad, so deeply and i tried to reach out to people and they turned their backs on me.I can barely leave the house to go to work. and i mostly sit at my desk on the verge of tears. I hate this. i hate going out alone it didnt used to bother me but now it makes me ill to think about it. i was supposed to see cabaret tonight and I could not do it. I always feel so ashamed. This is not what I thought my life would end up like. I didnt think I would end up a recluse afraid to leave the house or talk to people. who is so desperate for contact that they post on some random blog. I keep thinking I must be a terrible person but i just dont see it. The bad guy rarely thinks he is the bad guy , right? there are so many times i have been tempted to just down all my klonopin and retreat into the nothingness of death. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this.
I’m feeling the exact I mean exact same way and have the same meds I take to drown my sorrows
Hi I’m 21 and I have no friends, and haven’t had friends for years. I have had a lot of socialising problems and i can’t seem to form a strong bond with anyone. I had friends in secondary school but as i went up in years they all stopped being my friend, and then i was by myself all the time at break and launch time and i felt so embarrassed down and depressed.
I was bullied sometimes in primary and secondary school and i was a coward, not willing to stand up for my self, though this happened more in secondary. It seemed people could see a weakness in me and played on it.
When i finished secondary school it felt like such a relief! and i didn’t go to all of the last days of secondary school. When i applied for collage i thought i could start a fresh, but collage wasn’t much different apart from being there for only a year. I got so nervous all the time and started to sweat a lot which caused odour which made me more awkward to be around with, and my class mates picked up on it and made a few comments about it, one person even insulted me when i touched his scissors by mistake which really hurt at the time. I hated collage just like secondary school, by myself couldn’t be bothered to do work and depressed and lonely.
I have a big family of bothers and sisters and even though they are there for me now, i still feel lonely. However i know that i am also to blame because after collage their was a time where someone wanted to be my friend but i pushed him away, even when playing games where i made friends online i would get jealous and rude and push them away too.
I don’t really get this now though i don’t have any friends but when i did get close to someone i would get this uneasy, uncomfortable warm feeling in my heart and i hated it. So to get rid of that feeling i would push whoever is causing it away. I do have autism so that also causes problems may be partly for the way i am.
However i have changed since then and i am quite different now, i am more confident now though still much more room for improvement, and things are going better. I have got money, got a new job i’m starting soon and hopefully going back on a course to right my wrongs and i have been subscripted a DEODORANT that helps with my sweating problem because i worried about it a lot. I’m trying to believe in my self more since i have a low self-esteem and struggle to love my self.
But i still have no friends and even though i’m happier now i still feel down a lot because of it and i know i shouldn’t but its hard not too. I like animals, games, manga and anime. I also draw too and getting better at it. Anyone want to talk?
Where are you? I’m in a very similar situation, I’m lonely, but angry, I’m afraid that this is how my life has turned out. Maybe we can talk?
Me too. Exact. Same. Way. All four of us I guess. Wow. I actually have k-pin too and just want a solution to the problem I’ve been in for over a year – no life at 31 and everyone around me is married and living a great life and having fun. I’m somehow stuck with my parents. This has to stop. I’m in Washington state in the Northwest area. Lonely and depressed are the worst. I agree with Liz, I’m extremely afraid this the way my life is going to turn out. Permanently. We can’t let that happen. When there is no hope, the only thing left is faith and others (we have each other). I’d post my phone number but I don’t want it out there. E-mail me at: harrisonrutledge5 AT gmail.com – let’s help each other. There is support in others and I would be a listening ear to anyone having the same issue as Ramey, Desi, and Liz. –Harrison
Add another lonely soul to the club, I guess. I have family, but feel sooo LONELY all the time. I’m on the verge of tears or trying to hide them constantly at work. Nobody there talks to me, but they all have a great time with each other–on each others’ facebook (nobody has asked for mine) meeting for get-togethers that I don’t hear about. So, I get even more quiet and grudge-filled, which makes me more depressed. I have to find a way to break this before my husband leaves me. I’m also in the Northwest. I feel for you all and the very real pain you feel
It doesn’t need to be for the rest of your life. Sometimes there just isn’t anyone around to talk to. Technology can help. Radio, books, and television can all put you in touch with new people, in a gentle way, without the fatigue and expense of going out. If you can avoid dramas and crime shows, TV can get you thinking about chefs, homebuilders, and many other creative professionals who have interesting shows. Radio can increase your knowledge about and enjoyment of music. Newspapers and magazines are full of stories about people you cannot easily meet, because they reside far away from you. Some of the people you can learn about this way can really inspire you, even change your future. A radio show about a courageous man in the Navy changed my life forever. I was so inspired that I changed a lot of things, after hearing a story about his bravery. Best wishes.
I am 54 and just got left by the love of my life after a 15 yr relationship. He wouldn’t talk to to me or listen to anything I had to say. I tried putting my arms around him, he pushed me away. He packed up his stuff and drove away without so much as a “goodbye”. He changed his phone number, got a new email, no forwarding address, and has his FB set to private. He was my support system and my best friend. We were team truck drivers delivering all over the country so not only did I lose him I lost my job.
I am in so much emotional pain. I cry off and on everyday. My depression has gotten so bad, I can’t even go back to work. Even when I do, I will probably never drive a truck again. It was something we shared, and I will always associate it with him. I also am suffering with social anxiety. I rarely leave the house because I usually fall apart before I even get back home.
I have no real friends. I have a few people on Facebook, but they are just there to comment occassionally or like something I posted. My family is no real help either.
I am not taking this loss well at all. I’m just so lonely.
It seems people are just so shallow anymore. It’s all about looks and body size. Even in the friends forums, most the women are looking for men and the men only want female friends who are attractive and height and weight proportinate. Why does a person’s looks or body shape determine whether they are friendship worthy??? I’ve had people tell me over and over that I’ve got a good heart and I’m a caring person, yet where has that gotten me? Alone, lonely, and no one to call a friend. Don’t get me wrong. I love my ex and I miss him every day. Having a friend or friends won’t change that, but it would help occupy my time and give me something to do to take the edge off all this heartbreak.
I try to keep busy, but my house is no longer a home with him gone. The silence just overwhelms me and except for the hurt, I’m just empty inside.
How does a mid 50’s, overweight, woman who has always been unattractive, even when she was younger and skinny, find and make friends? I have my phone with me all the time, and yet it only rings like once or twice a week. I would be over the moon just to get a text message every once in awhile.
I have reached out to a couple of guys, one who was my old trainer at a company I drove for and another who claimed he was a “good hearted Christian”. The guy who was my trainer has called me on 2 different occassions, he was drunk both times, and made it clear he wouldn’t mind us “hooking up”. He has never called me in the light of day when he was sober and suggested it. I wouldn’t either way, but just the fact that the only way he could be attracted to me was when he was drunk made me feel even worse about myself. Then the so called good hearted Christian guy came by one day to look at an old car I have. He was nice enough, we talked for awhile, then he left. I was looking through a personals site seeing if my ex was posting and came across this same guy. He was wanting a lady for a long term relationship, but he was also willing to just have female friends to chat with or go grab a cup of coffee. I emailed him, told him I know I’m not what he was looking for in a relationship, but we shared a few of the same interests, and I wouldn’t mind being friends. He emailed me back with what I believe was total sarcasm saying “Sure, we can be friends” then had a laughing smiley at the end like, “yeah right”. I haven’t heard from him since. After that rejection, I was just too defeated and crawled back into the despair of my lonliness. I suffer from low self esteem anyway, so these losses have me feeling unwanted and unloved.
I just don’t know where to turn anymore.
Hi Michelle:
I read your posting and can relate to what you’re going thru. We’re good hearted, down-to-earth individuals who are trying to survive in a world of superficiality and push button technology. It can be very daunting and frustrating to try and relate to others, especially with our old school mentalities. If you would like a friend to talk to, please email me at letsgomets123 at live dot com.
Thank you Michael. I may take you up on that offer of email sometime.
I found a couple of people looking for friends just to email or chat online. Once they found out I was heavy, poof, they’re gone.
I guess I’m never going to hear from my ex again. He’s just done.
The only thing worse than being hated by an ex is being forgotten and that hurts badly.
Hi Michelle:
I see you got spurned by others for offers of friendship thru email. I wouldn’t take that personally and here’s why: although you didn’t mention it, I’m going to presume that those individuals were males, and the reason they turned you down is because they’re looking for a fantasy relationship with a slim, gorgeous figured woman whom society deems as attractive and a trophy prize – something which can make them feel good about themselves without them ever having to put forth a real life commitment to a real life woman in the flesh & blood. They (the men) can bask in the benefits of having a societal approved attractive female without having to deal with the struggles, challenges and everyday issues of being in a full scale physical relationship. So please, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their limited mindset and shallow viewpoints of living life.
As far as dealing with the breakup by your ex, that’s something that millions of people have gone thru in the course of their lifetimes, and something that you will eventually get over with the passage of time, just like everybody else. Do you have any other interests or hobbies that you can pre-occupy yourself with in the meantime? Things that can help you take your mind off focusing on your sorrow while you go thru the healing process; and remember, he is the one who made the decision to break up with you and abruptly take off without properly explaining his reasons for doing so. He is the one who has to live with that choice that he made, not you. So be proud of yourself that you were willing to stick it out no matter what. That you’re a good person who deserves to have somebody else come along in the future and love you for exactly who you are.
Thank you for a male perspective Michael. Yes, the people I tried to start a friendship with are males. As far as my ex’s leaving being his choice, you are right, but he has no problem “living with it”, that’s what he wanted so it hasn’t caused him an ounce of heartache. Me, on the other hand, also has to live with the choice he made, and the pain it caused when he left me and our relationship behind. He got what he wanted, his freedom, while I’m the one dealing with the fallout.
I know it sounds like I’m wallowing in self pity and to a point you would be right. However, this sorrow is not something I can just will away. I don’t know if you suffer from depression, but what I’m dealing with is a very deep depression and some social anxiety. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but it’s like when he left it created a vacuum that just sucked all the joy out of my life. There are days when I do good to get out of bed. Some days are okay, and some, the memories and loss just overwhelm me to the point that all I can do is cry.
As far as hobbies, once again, the depression has taken it’s toll. I’ve lived in my house 25 years and accumulated a lot over those years. This breakup has changed me. I am in the process of cleaning out my house. I’m either trashing, selling, or donating the majority of my things. Pictures are coming off the walls, what nots sold off, furniture gone, bare necessities, that’s it. All this stuff I used to enjoy and surround myself with has no meaning anymore. It’s just “stuff”. It doesn’t love you back and you can’t take it with you when you’re gone, so why keep it? I used to love flower gardening and my yard art. I could care less about it now and am in the process of taking out flower beds, getting rid of my wind chimes, etc. I just don’t want to fool with any of it anymore. So hobbies or interests? I don’t get any enjoyment out of anything anymore.
I have even thought about just taking off and disappearing. I figured it’s working for my ex well enough, so why not? If he can run from his problems instead of dealing with them, then why can’t I?
As far as being a good person, there seems to be a lot of us on here who are good people, yet all that got us was used and then discarded when we were no longer useful. Makes me wonder if we would be better off if we were more like our exes? Then maybe we could get past all this hurt and just move on…?
I hope you have a good day. I’m trying, which is better than not trying.
Michelle, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hurt for you. You have lost so much. Is there someone like a therapist you could talk to? I know journaling is supposed to help. Just writing what you are feeling helps. I don’t know if you are religious, but talking to God helps me. If you need to talk any more, you can email me.
Hi Karen,
As far as therspist go, that is an expense I can’t handle right now. I’m trying desperately to get unrmployment, but my last company is fighting me over it. I guess they think a severely depressed person, who is getting minimal sleep, and can’t keep her mind on things, is a safe prospect behind the wheel of a truck?
I don’t follow organized religion as far as belonging to a church, but I am spiritual and do believe in God. When this first happened, I was angry at Him and came close to losing my Faith. I know God gives us free will though, and it wasn’t Him who made my husband leave. I am trying to be a better person and be deserving of God’s love and strength. I do talk to Him, a lot, but I also struggle with a lot of self doubt, so my Faith wavers continuously. I just keep trying, that’s all I can do.
I have a journal and I really need to use it more. It just seems like sometimes, the stuff in my head just goes round and round. I find myself repeating a lot of the same thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, thank you for replying. I do appreciate it. Take care
Hi Michelle,
Since you are so depressed you may need antidepressants. I know I wouldn’t be able to function if I wasn’t taking them. I believe God accepts us just the way we are right now; that we don’t have to do anything to deserve his love. He loves us no matter what we’ve done. I will be praying for you and feel free to contact me any time.
Thank you for the words of encouragement.
I’ve considered anti deppresants. The side effects are just so bad. I can’t chance anymore weight gain, I’m too heavy now and most of them mess with your sleep too. I’m getting less than 4 hours a sleep a day. I will check into it though.
I just can’t get past the thought that I’m never going to see my ex again. He just cut me completely out of his life like I was less than nothing. That is what hurts the most.
I do hope everyone has a nice weekend. My Dad has passed so it will be more sadness on this end.
Hi Michelle,
I’ve been taking antidepressants for 20 plus years and one thing I’ve learned is if one antidepressant doesn’t work, you have to keep trying until you find the right one. You can’t give up . I am taking Seroquel at night and it helps me sleep. You really need to go to a Psychiatrist. A GP doesn’t have the knowledge that a Psychiatrist does.
Hang in there. Give yourself time to heal. Just don’t make any major decisions until you are better.
Hi Michelle,
I don’t know if I can add anything to the already great advice below but Michael is right, concerning your ex, in time you will be okay. Hurts to the core right now but it will pass, just a human thing we have to go through.
Concerning the Anti-depressant’s mentioned below, I’m on Wellbutrin which is one of the few AD’s that usually doesn’t cause weight gain.
I understand everything you are saying, I’m in my mid fifties, so scared, feel so alone. A lot of people are shallow about looks etc, some aren’t though, I don’t care what someone looks like, what they weigh, wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone like that anyway.
If the people you’ve been writing to drop you because you are heavy, they aren’t looking for a friend, they’re looking for something else so I would not want to know them.
I have been so hurt by family, friends etc I retreated in to a shell and don’t want to be around a lot of people for fear of getting hurt, but I do want friends, I really do, people do invite me and I make a excuse up and stay home with my dog.
If you need a friend to talk, to vent to etc you can also contact me, wary of putting an email up here though so how do we do it.
It isn’t everything to have a partner. I have one … a long-term marriage that we both like. You still need various other people to talk to. Instead of looking for a partner first and then looking for friends, what if you looked for friends first, and then looked for a partner later? If the partner didn’t last, you would still have the friends. New friends are often easier than old friends, since new friends see you as you are today, not as the person you were years ago (in different circumstances). Best wishes.
Thank you John, your experiences and thoughts have opened my eyes to my own depression and anti-social behavior and I know myself better now after reading your post
It’s crazy cuz I related to Section 1 and 2 so much and it’s good to know I’m not the only one who goes through these exact things
I no longer have the energy, self confidence it takes to get up and try anything. To be honest I don’t fit with most people I meet.
I find many to be loud, ignorant, self absorbed and spend most of their time chasing other activities or conversations on their cell phones. The world is not a pretty place any longer. I long to go fishing, attend summer festivals, see fireworks with friends etc… No one to do those things with.
I lay in my bed… barely make it to work and garden when I can drag myself to be vertical.
I am losing my mind from having no one to talk to most of the time.
Once a week therapy is not the soloution.
I need more and someone who cares not gets paid a ridiculous amount of $$$ to say very little that actually helps.
I was not meant to be loved and with my personality that isn’t going to work very much longer. I had all peace robbed from me most of my life since childhood, I was the good girl and helped and hung in to the bitter end now when I need someone and help there’s no one
Hi Vicki,
I cold have written your post word for word.
I am the same way, since childhood I was the good girl too and helped everyone, I desperately need someone, I hurt so much inside.
I too try to pull myself up but I’m so tired of actually trying if that makes any sense. I don’t “fit in” and I don’t want to, I don’t want to gossip and hurt someone’s feelings and then think it’s funny, I don’t want to be around bragging people who only care what car you are driving, on and on…so superficial, cannot stand it but so many people are this way.
It’s a battle to get around the grocery store without someone getting angry or nasty, or hitting you with their cart…so ridiculous, so many are angry.
So, I retreat again inside and walk my dog in the wilderness where I am happy.
I know therapy can help but only so far, I hardly have the energy to do anything about this. it seems to be able to survive you have to be ruthless for the most part but that’s just not me.
Judging by some of my friends who have suffered from depression you need some sort of medication to stop the self fulfilling cycle long enough so that you can socialize without all this pressure bearing down on you. Secondly don’t focus on the past, what you did has been lived and there are those who came from much worse that managed to turn their life around. Although i’m a guy you’re really close to my age so to give some advice on making friends i recommend going on the internet to find groups and clubs(the type where people do fun activities, not just party) in your area and find out your passions and share those interests with people. If you want(what has helped me) is try to rekindle old friendships that you thought were long gone but can easily restart.
People are naturally drawn to those who are active, upbeat, sociable, and inclusive. again medication and therapy are an important first step as they will stop the cycle of depression long enough for you to find your own interests, aspirations, and true happy self which depression and anxiety saps away.
from then just be active, if you want to go see a movie or stop by a coffee shop but a new acquaintance turns you down, go anyway. It might sound strange but that’s how you lead and create your entertainment/happiness without being in the shadow of others relying on them to be everything for you.
I’ve suffered from loneliness and rejection and depression most of my life. On and off. But mostly on. I am almost 51. I am Post menapausal. I have, a,13 year old, son with, odd and adhd and he poops his pants. I’m full of rage and anger. I am extremely bitter at how hollow my life 8s. My son antagonizes and provokes, me to be even more angry. I have only one friend. He is a pathological liar. I only tolerate him out of sheer lonliness. He is not my type of person. Our relationship is platonic. He is ignorant and uneducated. He has, no ability to comfort the hurting. He kicks me when I’m down. I want to get in my car and drive out of, state and never come back, to this house. To this neighborhood , which is vad. To this child who displeased me so much. To this friend who is such a dishonest with snake like qualities.i call children and youth to talk and vent. Today they hung up on me 4 tines. 5th time they connected me with the sheriff’s office without my knowledge or consent. I have been seeing my physical doctor about this problem for over a year. He put me on xanax but it isn’t working good enough. I am still in despair and have frequent freak outs and hysteria. Same as before. Uncontrollable rage. Hate. It feels terrible. I don’t want to be here in this place but can find no help nor relief nor healing. I call prayer lines for prayer. I pray, everyday. I connected with counseling center for my son and me. Not, working yet. I also see, another counselor just for me. Not working yet. I cry out to God day and night of my miseries. I am, so unsatisfied. So unfulfilled. So full of regrets. So desiring to escape parenthood. And the crummy friend.who betrayed me twice majorly. Jesus, please help me. It hurts so profoundly inside me.
Hi Christine, Kev has good advice above.
I so hear you, I am in my mid fifties and Post Menopausal too, I want to run out this door all the time and never come back I hurt so much all the time. Suffered from depression since late teens and am on an AD which is helping but I am so lonely it hurts.
I have no friends, my choice really as everyone had always hurt me so I basically retreated from life.
I feel sad, and angry, angry at myself, the time has gone by and I definitely think once we get to a certain age things really hit home.
I sometimes sob so much I cannot breathe.
I have looked on the internet for groups to join and know I am the only one who can change things, I want a life, I do, yet I get excited about maybe joining a group then feel down and scared as I might get hurt again, it’s a circle.
I have been in therapy which does help and I need to go back!
The “friend” you have is no friend and I think is only making thing worse for you, I’ve had people around me like that and it’s a horrible feeling. I’d rather be by myself with my dog!! Someone like your friend is dragging you even further down.
My advice is to first get in to some kind of therapy, so you can talk to someone and get everything out, about your son too, you need someone to listen. They can really, really help, then go forward from there, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other….. you are not alone, I want you to know that.
Hang in there.
Hi I know how everyone feels. I have had difficulties making friends since childhood. My mother had been my friend until she died in 2010 and I took care of her during her illness of COPD and Asthma. I still stay at home and take care of my father who is 82 years old and is very emotional abusive.
After my mother died I didn’t have anyone to talk to no family or friends. I went to a counselor and she got me to volunteer at the hospital to try to make some friends, Did not work. Then she thought I should go to college to get an education toward a job. I completed a Medical Coding program in 2014 and I haven’t got hired yet. I thought I would make some friends at college and nothing. I am 51 years old.
I feel like my life got completely destroyed when i started high school ( 2 years ago) In sixth grade, i had friends, i had actual people who wanted to talk to me, who wanted to team up with me, WHO RESPECTED ME, but now it’s all gone.
Nthng left in life, ia m 26, no frnds, no money, no place to stay, family problems, i was nt like this, i am an mba grad wanted to be an entrepreneur, ended up doing nthng.
No girl, no frnd, no family support, no money, feeling ashamed staying at frnds flat, want to go somewhere, join an NGO, i know to value of human life, i am contolling myself not to think of suicide..
Please somebody help me…
My friend, LIFE is like a story we all used to read when we were small kids, remember? Look, everything you see when you wake up does not have a positive or negative vibe by default, it’s simply that us humans give EMOTIONS to everything we see depending how we feel. I will give you a quick example, bring 2 persons and make them sit down right next to each other, now 1 of them is DEPRESSED and the other is HAPPY, now make them both look at just a Tree whose leafs move because of the wind. The tree is just a tree with it’s leafs moving because of the wind, but for the 2 people is different, ask the happy person and he/she will say it’s a tree in a sunny day with the wind moving it’s leafs dancing in a relaxing environment, now ask the depressed person and he/she will be reminded of all the things that make him/her feel so depressed, looking at it will make him/her just feel so down because that simple “wind making the leafs move” will give the feeling of how everything just GOES. My point is that everything you see in your life can be either positive or negative depending how you want to see them, so my advice to you is simple. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART AND DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT, NEVER FORCE YOURSELF TO DO SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH, LIFE IS LIKE A BOOK WHERE EVERYDAY WE WRITE A PAGE, WE GIVE EMOTION/LIFE TO EVERYTHING AROUND US, BUT AT THE END IT ALL DEPENDS WETHER YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR “BOOK” A HAPPY OR A SAD ENDING. I BELIEVE IN YOU, I KNOW I DON’t KNOW YOU PERSONALLY, BUT I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE HOW YOU REALLY WANT IT TO BE, BECAUSE IF YOU BELIEVE, THEN NOTHING OR NOBODY WILL EVER TAKE AWAY THAT BEAUTIFUL DREAM YOU MUST TURN INTO REALITY. NEVER GIVE UP MY FRIEND, DOESN’t MATTER IF YOU TAKE BIG OR SMALL STEPS, AS LONG AS YOU TAKE “THE STEP”, YOU ARE ONE STEP CLOSER TO TURNING THAT “BEAUTIFUL” VISION, INTO REALITY.
Thank everyone for responding to me.
I can’t even get someone to talk to me on a site for loneliness. Goodbye
Hey bro…similar situation here
Hi, Vicki I’m Susan. I had a lonely life. Being lonely isn’t fun at all. So, maybe we can chat sometime.
whats your problem…tell me
Life will always be hard as it throws so many horrible things at us for us to get stronger within time. I know sounds insane right? But I do believe in the light at the end of the tunnel, I am currently still in one and haven’t reached the end. I set myself mini goals but being 20 it is very hard. I have no friends, don’t havr family apart from my mum who I don’t have much contact as. Much anf. Little sister. I have a boyfriend who a rocks but we have ups and downs most days. Life just feel so dull and dark and I haven’t left the room as I am afraid what the day will bring. Please feel free to email me if you do wanna talk to anyone reading this then please get it touch. I am also lonely and want to help others to feel they are worth something. Make me feel better within my self.
sophief719 (at) gmail
I understand this subject more than most as I’ve lived with it all of my 52 years.
My story is too long to post but short version would be nightmare childhood, turned to 20 years dealing with loved ones alcoholism, failed marriage, no children, no family, financial struggles, loss of last 2 friends due to the depression and finally putting my beautiful dog to sleep after 17 years.
I want only sleep as it is the only time I am truly happy.
I literally cry when I wake.
I have tried the therapy thing…and am weaning myself off antidepressants which have been a part of my life for the last 20.
I cannot think of one thing I care to do or experience any longer even if I had someone to share it with. I am tired now…
vick
Hi Vick sorry about your life. Maybe we could talk together ?
Hi Marcus,
Thank you for taking the time to read and write.
I have never been on a sight like this one before so not sure how to begin.
Are you someone in a similar situation
to these posts?
You are the only one who responded to mine so thank you for reaching out.
Vicki
Hi Vicki sorry I didn’t see the reply as it came through to my spam folder. thanks for replying. I’m sorry to hear about your hardship and what you’ve gone through.
At the moment I am having counselling and also have issues with what I experienced and was raised seeing. Mine is different t from yours indeed. I was raised without a father who wasn’t bothered and was a drug taken abuser and did some really horrible things to my mum who went through breakdowns and suffered mentally because of it. He never has cared to this day or been in my life.
Seeing a lot and hearing a lot while growing up with my mum made me grow up at a young age. Different men, the arguing and abuse was horrible to grow up around and what my was involved with. Having social issues and anxiety which I feel is due to me growing up is hard.
But determined to go head on and make something of myself even with what’s happened. I hope to chat more to you Vicki I have never done or been on this site before either but I came across it.
Regards
Marcus
Vick,
I am right there with you to a lost of degrees, I am on the tail end of my 2nd divorce, we do have one son who is 7 who is really the only reason I am alive to type this. Financial struggles including foreclosure. Just over and over again it keeps coming and I cannot find my way out. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
One think I did think of is maybe trying to voluteer a little bit to see if that helps me. I am unable to work for time because of mine but I am completely and utterly alone except for my dad and one friend who both live on opposite ends of the country. It is very very hard to try to fight out of it. I don’t have any idea where to even start.
I am abused by my stepfather, still live at home 36 years. Never been married. When ever I go out I feel like all the young people are laughing at me. I have no friends, no job. What is the point of living in pain everyday, I just want to die.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, WE NEED TO TALK, I CAN HELP YOU, HANG IN THERE, DON’t YOU EVER GIVE UP. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, IT’s IMPERFECTIONS ARE WHAT MAKES IT UNIQUE. Remember, WE LIVE IN A PERFECTLY, IMPERFECT WORLD.
Tilly….we all live for ourself but we need some one in our life who will encourage us all the time….bt i have no one who will encourage me or support me and to boost me up…that’s the reason i feel low all time…and at the end of the day all i feel is to give up my life….as there is no one who will apreciate me…#worthless life
Hi Ankit, I hear you, I really do and understand completely.
Yes, we all need someone, I cry because I want someone to love me, to be there, to tell me everything will be okay you’re not alone, I sob for this as I feel so lonely, so very, very alone.
I do have a grown daughter who I love so much and she loves me but she also of course has her own life and I know she worries about me so I don’t tell her just how bad it all is.
Growing up my family was awful. I see other families who love each other, are kind to each other and supportive and it hurts me, I’m so happy for them but I yearn for that.
I keep telling myself I have to concentrate on what I want to do, just get out and do it but I feel stuck most days, I walk and hike a lot with my dog, just the two of us and that’s when I feel happy, in he wilderness….
When I’m feeling better I tell myself you can do it, get out and do things you like to do and that’s where I’ll meet others who are like me.
The alternative is this….nothing and time is going by fast.
Hang in there, I hope things change for you very soon, there are good people out there and there is someone out there who will encourage and support you. Take good care of yourself and remember you are not alone, peace…..
Thanks Tilly…you made me feel good…i really loved ur positiveness….Thank you Tilly…Always be positive…
First time I have ever blogged , thanks Tilly , your story resonated with me so much , feeling exactly the same. May we all find our inner strength
I have always felt insecure,from a little boy,now at 49 my life has passed bye,I’m suffering from chronic lung disease,and may have a few years? My chances of having children failed ,one abortion,one miscarriage,and now I wouldn’t have the strength to try even if the possibility came along? I always feel that people are my elders even when there obviously 20yrs younger.. Now my life is coming to an early end? I look back and can’t believe what happened?mark?what a waste,all I can.say is try and make the most of your time, I know its not that simple but wtf is it all about anyway
These words may feel hollow to you now, but in life there is no easy path.
All people carry their own burdens, and some people carry a terrible weight that few can understand. You may have a bitter sense of regret, as if life has passed you by, but you have lived all the same. Even if nobody understands your struggles, you did the best job you knew how to do. Nobody gets an instruction manual, you just get thrown in the deep end. Not all people float.
Sadly, not everyone has a good support network nor do they have good parents or good friends. Some words and actions can cut deep, and leave a lasting poison that can utterly erode parts of you if you’re unfortunate or unable to resist.
While you may have an exaggerated sense of shame or inferiority, please realise even on some level there is NO shame in hurting, nor being afraid. When in darkness, any plant will reach for the light, and while it may twist you at your roots and leave you frail and bent in the strangest of ways just to survive… you are still you. If you hurt, the pain is REAL. If you are afraid, the fear is REAL.
If you only grant yourself once mercy in your self-opinion, please, for the love of god, remember that you’re only human, and you’re allowed to be crushed if your burdens become unmanageable, even if others cannot appreciate, understand or empathise.
You are human.
No matter how big or small you feel. Still human.
Breathe deep. Take some time to figure out what makes you happy, and go for it in whatever way you can manage without disturbing what peace of mind you have.
Perhaps… consider telling your story, if you often hide it from anyone close to you.
There are more people like you than you seem to realise.
Though I suppose that’s part of the neurosis, isn’t it? To feel like the one truly defective person in all of adult humanity. That’s just an illusion created by the emotional issues though. Seeing past that chemically created smokescreen is hard as hell, but I hope at least on some level you understand that willpower alone seldom wins out against a life of bad lessons and lacking support.
Whoever you are, Mark.
Godspeed.
I want to thank you for your post above, it is so well written and so true.
Your words helped me so much today and I am going to print your post and carry it with me!!
I hope you are okay today, big hugs to all…
As you know action speaks louder than words? But still some words have such truth and can give you strength! Even if my life is being cut short! And I have to put up with pain,the words speak truth! Still none of us knows what happens to us when were gone, so there is always the hope of something magical,as all the time which has passed us, with all the thousands of years before us are magical themselves. So we do have hope? Thanks!
Mark, your post touched me so deeply also.You have a rare insight into the unbearable pain and suffering and shame of so many people. And you use it to help others.If only everyone had your honesty and perspective! Thank you for being an angel of sorts to people who really need one.
hlo guy,i m a 17 years boy n i hav no frnds,not even a single frnd,i m alwys surrounded by lonlyness n depression….at last i decided to suicide bt i was failed doing that…..i hav nothing left in my life…why m i so lonely..??….i dont want to be alive any more…Fed up with this boring lyf….i want to die…!!
Please don’t give up. You don’t live for other people; it’s your life. There are many people who feel this way. Pets can help because they are friends you don’t have to converse with. Just don’t end it all. Friends come and go.
ya I know that we live for ourself not for others but….in life we want someone with whome we can share our feelings…but i have no one in my life with whome i can share my feelings …that’s the reason i dont want to be alive anymore…there is no one who will care for me except my mom…I m living a worthless life…
Hi Ankit,
As Lu says please don’t give up, I know it all hurts, I’ve suffered from major depression since my teens and felt so very alone all the time, so much so I hurt so badly inside.
This is so easy to say and I need help myself but my advice to you at your age is to try to go forward with what you want to do in life, career etc and work on that, usually when you do that you will make friend’s.
You know that expression we have to make ourselves happy first? it is true and only we can do it.
With my depression I do feel useless as I always wanted a career and it hurts I was not able to do that, I know deep down I’m not useless but I’ve spent so many years trying to get the depression under control.
I am 62 years old, suffering from the empty nest syndrome, my husband of 32 years left 4 months ago to drink himself to death, and I am left alone, depressed, with a feeling I am in a self made jail. I stay in the house most of the day, but I do have a dog and 2 cats. Though this sometimes helps, it can also be a burden, cause I can hardly take care of myself, let alone my animal friends. My life would be emptier without them, and as someone suggested it may be a good idea for you to get an animal friend who does not judge and will love you as long as you are kind to them. It won’t matter what you look like or how depressed you are, and you can say whatever you want to them. I tried to kill myself when I was 24 – been depressed since I was 15 yrs. old, and despite everything I’m glad I didn’t die. I just went flying through the windshield of my car. Luckily to major injuries either. But I still have hope, even after all these years, and am going into rehab in an effort to repair my soul, meet and speak to people, and break the chains. I made this first step, and you can do it too. Try to find a group somewhere of people with similar problems. Ask your doctor if he/she knows of anything. But don’t give up hope. You never know what is around the corner. Have patience, and try watching Ajahn Brahm on Youtube. He has a variety of subjects he covers, and has helped my outlook a lot.
Hi Ankit,
This will pass but it might take some time. It’s so hard for you right now, I hear you. Despite of it all, get out, go to the cinema, park, get busy while you feeling down, fight it and it will go away. Don’t surrender to your emotions/mind. You can make a decision right now, tell black dog to go away. Find a meaning in your life, something you want to do, become. Study or make action towards your dreams and it will go away. Be patient… And if it comes back well then you learn how to deal with it. Don’t be afraid of it, accept it, and it will go right away. Echart Tolle really good at guidance towards acceptance…
Winter always turn to spring.
Love…i am waiting for happiness but in never comes to my doorsteps…im am waiting for the winrer to pass quickly but it never passes and i can’t experience the spring….i want some one in my life who can take me out from the dark side of my life and give me some sunshine of happiness…but i know that i can never ever get happiness…my life is full of sorrowness…!!!
I am 16 year girl and I am feeling alone and lonely all the time. I find myself struggling to talk and pretend myself that I have friends. This loneliness grew more and more as I could not find a friend to talk and discuss my problems. My mom left me and my family when I was 2 months and she doesn’t cares about us anymore. I hate her as she is the only person causing all the problems and loneliness me & my family face in our lives. If she would be there we would be happy but she likes to live alone making my family destroyed and unbound. My father is also depressed because of her that we can’t find anybody when we need it the most. I became a loner and I don’t think I could ever talk to anybody normally as the other me restricts my words, my actions, emotions, and even the way I act. That made me feels as a stranger to everybody. I’ve always been a homesick or house arrested person. I never got the time and confidence to go outside and live a normal life and play, make friends as I feared somebody could bully me criticize me if I ever done something wrong. Even my classmates bully me because I am now having such loneliness that I could never come out, they think I am snobby. There was a time I got good friends but now I have none because I stopped talking with them due to loneliness. Whatever the friends I have got are just like me depressed or insane whom the society never accepts but I want to get out with all of this. Every time I meet somebody I feel to go away but this cannot happen all the time. I know I have to face the world but I can’t as I am very shy, lonely, insane, having big conversation and mind barriers unlike other people, really I just want to die because I can’t fight with the world I guess I have no confidence and courage. I can’t bear all this happenings as it hurts and breaks my dignity in pieces. I can’t run away as I have no money no place to go and no relatives to just help me out move on and biggest is I’ve got no true friends. It was all easy to advice or suggest but now all I could feel is pain and fear I am dying with self loathing about I can’t act normally and be helpless. I am a burden and headache to all people I know they just can’t bear me because of my silence. I don’t know what to speak with them and how to act the best and continue conversation when they ask me something. People just laugh at my back, criticize me, ignore me, show mercy over me or make me feel insane and stupid with their sort of SMART and sucking comments. My mind doesn’t work in conversations and humor has gone out of my life so I deleted Facebook and Instagram. Nothing is good my life sucks. My father is allotting me his all efforts and money to make my life, career and studies good and also giving all his property and earnings to me when I turn adult but I don’t think I could meet his expectations despite his financial efforts I can’t be a person to handle all this. My really bad unlike and awkward situations made me lonely. I even can’t talk all this with anybody I trust because of fear. Help me find what to do.
Dear Katie, my heart goes out to you. I too suffer from social anxiety, loneliness and find it hard to maintain friends due to my social awkwardness. My heart truly goes out to you, not only for the reasons for which I identify with you, but also because I am a 44-year-old mother of three children two of whom are teenagers. There is nothing more important than for teens to have family support, especially a mother. Please hang in there…life will get better… I know that sounds cliché but I have been socially awkward since I was a teen too and have learned to make adjustments through the years. Hormones also play a huge role in our emotions and as a teenager you are getting a lot of fluctuating ones. When you’re really down, some of the things that I have learned over the years that really help me are to make sure that you go outside and bask in the sunshine, make sure you shower every day: the water is so refreshing and cleansing to the soul, listen to soothing music or music that’ll make you want to get up and dance, and talk to someone close to you, possibly like your Dad. Be thankful that your father is on your side and reach out to him with your troubles, if you can. I know sometimes it’s hard because you feel like you’re bothering somebody but if he loves you like I am sure that he does he will want to know of your personal hardships. I wish you all the luck and pray that you will find the strength and nurturing your beautiful soul needs. Much love.
Dear Katie
I am from China, 19 years old, but I really wish you can feel me there and I truly wish my poor English can help you a bit.You are still so young with so many potential and possibility. I went through really tough time and changed a lot. What makes my tough time is my parents. They fight and argue all the time. That feeling of putting myself between their conflict is just like a nightmare haunting around me. However, I can’t help. I was afraid to let others know and regarded myself as inferior to any other human, self-denying and thought any other one are happier than me. There are some tips, I wish they can help you to think more. Firstly, forget about those bad things in you life because everyone encounter more or less of those suck stuff. It is not necessary to compare with others, you are yourself, you are unique. Recept yourself and what you experienced, if you don’t recept yourself, no one is able to recept you because you won’t let them to. Secondly, try to find 3 things happened in your ever lives that whenever you are thinking about them, you feel truly happy, i mean, they can make you truly smiling. Take your time, you can find those 3 things. Find 5 things that you really enjoy doing, reading or watching TV or walking dogs, etc. Do more of those things you enjoy, which can create you happy feelings. Whenever you feel bad again, think about those 3 things, and tell yourself: things aren’t that bad. Thirdly, try to sort out one thing everyday. The feeling of helpless comes from your failure to handle stuff, gradually, you lose faith in yourself. Learn and try to imitate how other people handle stuff. The first one and most important one, I think, you should sort out the relationship with your father first, which can really help you in the future life. From my experience, good relationships between girls and dads are the fundemental part in girls’ life in handling other relationships. Cherish your dad, hug him every night. From the beginning, he might feel weird, but do that every day for at least 2 weeks, both of you will definately feel more relieved in this relationship. There is another thing, I really wish you can insist in doing: Saying: I am the best （every moring in front of your mirrior） Today is a good day ( every night before bed)
Ultimately, forgive. Your hatred to your mom signigies your hatred to your own. Forgive others, forgive the bad things happened in your life, you will see the world is much brighter. There are many people around you, support you and give their best regard to you.
Carrie
Thanks Carrie for your wise reply. I am that 62 yr. old woman who feels like she is in jail. I like your ideas of finding 3 things that make me happy, and 5 things that I like to do, and build from there. These words of wisdom I am going to use in my life.
Hi. Ellie
I too am. 62 years old and marriedr 40 years. My husband is 75 yrs. old with severe emphysema. I have suffered from depression and sever anxiety since age 15. My parents tried to get help for me but valium and thorazine was all the help i got back then.More recently I have gone to counseling been hospitalized several times. I always sink back into paralyzing depression.I know what you mean by feeling like you’re in jail.I feel the same way!But its a jail where i put myself.I don’t go out in public as I think people are staring at me or making fun of me.I don’t know what to say to people .I’m afraid ill say something stupid so i stay quiet. My daughter spends time with me and tries to help me and my son encourages to go to church.But i feel like a burden fo them and embarrassment to my grandkids.I wish so much i could be happy and normal. i worry constantly about my husband dying and what i will do then.I pray for you all on this post and i know exactly how lonely and sad life is. Love and peace to you all!
Hi
Feeling really alone today and my family has gone out without me as I am not pleasant to be around .I am a mum and gave teenage children.i suffer in silence and find life hard at times even though I have immediate family around but not my mum dad or brother . Reading your story brought me to tears – I suggest that you see a doctor and get a refers to speak to a physiologist – you get ten free visits . I didn’t feel I had anyone to talk to either but it’s great to be able to speak freely to someone who is trained to tune in on what may be your underlying personal issues .i guarantee you will feel better after talking it’s really important .also go outside and be by the ocean – it calms your inner person .depression is hard to acknowledge but many of us suffer in silence as we are not supposed to feel like this — please go and speak to someone .
Katie
You sound exactly like me when i was your age.I am 62 Years old now and you are at an age where you can conquer this illness and not let it swallow you up. You sound like a very intelligent and soulful perso. It must be so hard not to have your mother around! My heart goes out to you.I hope that you can find a mental health clinic in your area.They have group therapy where i live where you can talk to people your age who have the same problems as you. At least you would be able to talk to and meet people who go through the same things as you.They operate on a sliding scale where you pay by your income which makes it very affordable. Please look into it.Don’t let this depression steal your life from you like i did.Love and prayers!
Wow, I thought I was the only one. Since we’re all talking about depression, read the following:
1. I’m 60 yrs. old and live with my mother.
2. I’m overweight and trying desperately to lose the weight, but it’s going to take me years because I need to lose 125 lbs. I hardly eat a thing and walk every day. I’m losing about one pound per month. Wonderful.
3. I don’t have a job and haven’t been able to get a job for over 10 yrs. Why? I guess you’d have to ask the people who didn’t contact me when I applied, or the rare people who did interview me and didn’t call back.
4. People judge you on the way you look, so … I don’t get a job because (a) I’m 60 yrs. old, and (b) I’m overweight. People don’t say anything outright to your face. They just treat you like crap in an interview, that is, the rare occasion when you actually get an interview.
5. There are only two people left in my family: my mother and myself.
6. I was an alcoholic for 18 yrs. and finally stopped on my own. The only trouble is that I was fired from two jobs because of it and walked off of another one because of it. People at my previous jobs think I’m an idiot and I’ve been treated as such. I wish I could move and change my name but, guess what? I don’t have any money!
7. Besides not having a job, I also don’t have a car, a house, a cell phone, or a computer (I’m typing this at the library).
8. I injured my left knee years ago and it hasn’t been the same since. The right knee is going now too. My general health isn’t that great.
9. Because I don’t have a job, I don’t have medical insurance and can’t afford any.
10. If something happens to my mother, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Live on the street I guess.
Now all of you know why I’m depressed. Nothing seems to change.
Sillyheart: I think you’ve hit on an important contributor to predicaments such as ours. That contributor is the common attitude of apathy, or even blame, which many folks tend to possess about people in hardship situations. Being older, overweight, or otherwise unattractive somehow makes us more vulnerable to apathy on the part of others.
Much of the world views each individual as responsible for his or her own life choices and any ensuing consequences. Many folks simply don’t realize that no matter how hard some of us try, we are unable to improve our lives. I think that maintaining such an attitude must make it easier for folks to avoid feelings of obligation or guilt for leading lives that are more desirable than those of the individuals whom they are judging.
For some reason, people typically avoid granting much weight to paralyzing life circumstances, and instead hold an attitude similar to: “You should have done something about *that* when you had the chance; it’s really your own fault!” The implication, of course, is that the person enveloped in the hardship predicament deserves the hardship they are encountering because of their prior poor choices. Blameful attitudes like this only serve to make things even more painful… empathy can indeed be scarce in our world. I think it’s especially hurtful when folks in desperate situations are accused of “whining” or “feeling sorry for themselves” by those who have not experienced life in their shoes. But it happens all the time. The reality is that many of us in hardship situations would not accept charity or favors from anyone. That doesn’t seem to be a consideration by many who judge us, though.
Mental disabilities and addictions are very real, sometimes impassable life barriers. In my opinion, those barriers become all the more impossible to overcome when the sufferer has no supportive family members or friends for encouragement and advice. When that’s the case, it’s hard to know where to turn. Sometimes there is virtually nowhere to turn. Attempting to deal with such things alone when one is overwhelmed with a troubled life can be quite a tall order (at best). Life can indeed be torturous for some of us.
I do empathize with your situation, as well as with the many other true and heartfelt situations expressed on this blog page. I’m hopeful that your life may somehow improve.
Dear Sillyheart
Your post really hit home with me.I live with my husband who is chronicall ill and my daily biggest fear is what will happen if he dies.I don’t want to be a burden to my children and. I couldn’t afford to live on my own. my extended family has nothing to do with me and they have no compassion for me their sister.I have a phone with internet but that’s it. My husband has bad breathing problems and its really hard to see him suffering .Sometime I stay awake to check on him afraid he will stop breathing. I worry about being homeless and how i would survive. Sometimes I’m angry at God for why i have this illness.Thank you for sharing your story.I pray you will contine to loose weight.its a struggle i know too well but you can do it. God bless you in your life! Donnaa
Wow, there are sure a lot of us with similar issues. I empathize with each of you! I almost feel guilty expressing my own situation here. The truth is, though, that I have absolutely no friends with whom I can reach out to about my situation and my ensuing despair. And that situation is becoming even more desperate and hopeless, as time passes, in terms of my ability to survive. As if that weren’t terrible enough, I have no family members who are not hostile toward me – with the exception of my elderly mother who suffers from dementia and thus cannot grasp or discuss situations to any extent. I am on my own and I am disabled; I survive on SSD payments. My residence is a small deteriorated and infested manufactured home that is owned by one of my siblings (who can’t stand me). The only reason I am allowed to live here is for the sake of my elderly mother, who is currently 90 years of age. I love her dearly, and I know her remaining days are quite limited. Once she is gone, I will be evicted and homeless. I would normally be able to accept that fact. But I have four dearly cherished pets that mean everything to me who will be heading off of a cliff along with me once my mother is gone. And that’s largely because of the type of animals they happen to be, as well as because I have no friends to turn to as far as keeping them once I no longer can. My pets will not be able to come with me and thus will find themselves in the custody of my hateful and cruel landlord sibling who will probably dispose of them in some convenient manner. All but one of my four pets have special needs issues – which I gladly tend to on a daily basis, but which will most likely result in any subsequent care givers opting to euthanize them. I simply can’t bear the thought of that happening. I consider these pets to be my close family members and they depend upon me to protect them. I should probably also note that a main reason my siblings harbor a deep hatred toward me is because I have confronted them on the serious crimes they have committed against my elderly mother. Over the years they have used tactics of deception to steal the entirely of her valuable assets (real property and personal possessions) for themselves. My mother has been left owning absolutely nothing of monetary value. My siblings have no remorse whatsoever for their actions in this regard and instead somehow feel entitled to what they have gained from my mother. They and their spouses have gainful careers and pensions. They certainly didn’t need to ravage my mother financially. It’s a very disturbing situation for me and I feel so afraid and alone. My only true friends are my pets…and I have no power to save them :'(
Ive suffered from extreme depression my whole life , well from early teens on…I’m now 40years old and I’ve let my life pass me by, I’ve done nothing productive except my 2 sons…I’m just surviving, and with my bad anxiety and shyness it seems to be a vicious circle with me … I don’t even know where to start…
Hi Mandy,
I understand….I’ve suffered from major depression since my late teens and also feel as though my life has passed by, just yesterday I sobbed and sobbed thinking about what I could have been, what I could have done if I did have this horrible disease, well, I know life would not have been perfect but I always wanted a career and oh God it hurts….tried to fight it my whole life.
I survive, that’s it, I’m so sick of fighting depression and terrible anxiety, so hard to even go to the store some days, it’s ridiculous.
I cry then feel stronger ready to fight on but I’m just tired….I’m sorry you are hurting and hope things get better for you.
Oh, God, I can’t believe there are so many of us. I was sitting here all alone, have been sitting here all alone forever and even if there’s someone like one of my grown up kids around I’m still lonely. It makes me feel somewhat better to know that I’m not the only one with this crippling disease of the mind. I also can’t do things sometimes like go to the store, etc., etc., etc., because I feel paralyzed, my depression is so bad. Most of the time I have to force myself to do whatever. I don’t want to do anything, but neither do I want to sit doing nothing. It’s a hell on earth. This must be hell. I must have done something terrible in some other life, or even this one to deserve this.
I have found myself to be extremely lonely for the past few years. I had always had friends until I started having health issues. On the outside, I look healthy. However, I have been going down a spiral of illness for the past eight years. It became one issue after another. The people who I thought were friends started talking behind my back: calling me a drug addict (for taking prescriptions) and a hypochondriac. I became extremely chemically depressed. Antidepressants would work for a short time and then stop working. I have no friends to talk to. I am married, but my husband is so busy working that I have little time with him. I am not bringing in income because of my health conditions, so he has to work hard and even run errands, etc. that I would normally do. It got so bad last year that I could not go anywhere for more that an hour before becoming completely worn out. I didn’t know what was going on. I thought perhaps it was my ovaries creating hormonal fluctuations. My OBGYN ordered an abdominal and pelvic ct. the only abnormality was an extremely large paraesophygeal hiatal hernia. This hernia was lying on my vagus nerve which affects everything in your body. I had the hernia repaired, and I am slowly getting better health wise. I feel so alone, because I have nobody really to talk to ever. How do you find friends? Everyone my age have small children and are so busy with kids that they have no time for me. I have little family. I am an only child, and my father has passed away. My mom, who has always been healthy, was just diagnosed with sever COPD. I am finding myself riddled with panic attacks and I am paralyzed with fear. I can’t lose my mom. I am so sad. I just wish that I had at least one good friend to spend time with. I hope things get better for everyone. Feeling lonely is the worst of all.
John,
How I identified with your blog! So many of the things you said I have experienced. I’m not alone! That has been truly affirming.
This website has been such a godsend to me. I have dealt with depression for the last 30 years. I had major depression, but got a handle on it. I have periods of normalcy and then a down period, a roller coaster type of existence. I have been feeling hopeless. I have no friends and feel like a freak sometimes. I wonder what I do to drive them away. I had friends in school and college, but have found it hard to make new friends. After reading other people’s stories, I feel validated. I’m not the only one who is going through this. I have no one to talk to so this has been encouraging. I must say that my faith has helped me survive. I couldn’t have made it through without help from God.
I feel crazy for even writing this, but the loneliness I feel every day is killing me. When I was a child, teen, and young adult I had many many friends. Friends that I would stay up late talking to on the phone, went to parties with, sat a lunch with, etc. Back then I had what most people would consider the perfect social life. Girls and guys loved being around me, and I could basically date whoever I wanted without any problems. I also had a great relationship with my brothers, and my entire family really.
Then, when I was 22, I came down with a terrible mystery illness. I had to quit college, I was in and out of the hospital for years, saw every specialist know to man… yet they could never find anything wrong with me. I spent every day in terrible burning pain, I couldn’t eat or sleep. Eventually, I began turning a weird pale blue/grey color, I weighed 98 lbs, lost a lot of my hair, broke out in rashes, and couldn’t eat anything without feeling like someone was stabbing me. I remember it taking me a hour to get to the bathroom one night. I just lied down in the hallway crying, it was too much pain to handle.
During this time, I almost everything. My friends all moved on in life without me. We were all in our early to mid-twenties then. I know some of them cared, but what were they really supposed to do to help me? They were busy with college, meeting new people, going to parties, getting jobs, getting married and having kids. They didn’t have time to sit with the old, worn out friend. They didn’t want to see it, to feel it. My family did not handle this well at all. I remember over hearing them talking one night. They were saying that, “it has to psychological. They haven’t found anything wrong with her. I think she might be a hypochondriac.” They all agreed with this statement, and treated me like a joke after that. I was just the “crazy girl”. I never got help from them ever again. They just overlooked all of it after that.
Around that time I became hateful, spiteful, self loathing, and suicidal. I lost everything that made me, me. I would often think of how great things had been before all of this, and then I would sit in utter hatred. I would think, “I was such a good person before, but this illness, these people have taken that from me.” I felt like an empty shell of nothingness. Eventually, I floated across the planet like a ghost. I could be around anyone, but I was never send or heard. It was like being nonexistent, but being able to freely watch and listen to the world whenever I wanted to. I even bought a charm bracelet with a single ghost charm on it to remind me of what I was now. At that point it didn’t matter if my illness killed me or not, I was already dead.
After years of this, I found a new doctor that knew what was wrong with me the moment he saw me. He did tests to make sure, of course, but he was right all along. He knew exactly how to fix me and told me, “it’ll be a couple of years, but you will be exactly the way you were before.” And that was half true. Suddenly, I had hope. All that I had gone through, all that I had lost would be but a memory in a couple of years. I was thrilled. I did everything this man told me to do. I slept, ate, and breathed when he told me to. And in a couple of years, as if by some weird magic, at the age of 27 my body was restored.
My mind, however, was a shredded mess. I would go out into the world expecting that everything would go as it had before “the illness.” But what I found was horrifying. My old friends and my family still treated me like a psycho or an idiot. Even though I had proof that I was not crazy and that I did indeed have a medical condition, they just brushed it aside. Not missing a beat, I decided, “well, I don’t need these jerks. People love me and I’ll just find new friends.” So I went back out into the world and you know what… people don’t love me anymore. They really don’t. And I don’t blame them. Because the truth is, the person that was sick is dead. Dead as dead can be. And now, there’s a new person living in her body. I don’t even know how to describe who she is. But I hate her. She’s selfish and self-righteous, she’s emotionally needy but nastily independent, she’s cynical and negative. Sure she hides under the facade of a nice, normal, happy person. After all, she had a lot of practice being a loveable social butterfly. But this mentally destroyed person comes out eventually. Self important verbal vomit pours from her mouth, her looks are steely and nasty, and her smiles and laughs are sickeningly fake.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be this person! I’m like a terrible emotional vampire and I know why people hate me. But, I can’t fix this. The only time I’m a good person is when I’m alone. I draw and color, I watch funny movies and documentaries, I cook and clean, take care of myself, and I’m positive and happy. I have hobbies, I read (a lot), exercise, and meditate. I am so happy when I’m alone. I’m even secretly a nice person. Every night, before I go to bed, I get out the phone book. I close my eyes, flip through the pages, and put my finger on the page. Whatever address is under my finger I write on an envelope. Then I close my eyes again and think. I think about who this person that lives at that address might be. Then, I just start writing. I write about their life and what they might be going through. I tell them that they are not alone, that someone that has never met them cares, that they’ll be okay. I write other thing too, but only about them, nothing about me. Then I seal it and throw it in the mail box. And every time I do it I say in my heart, “I hope this helps you.” It’s the only time I ever truly feel like myself.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal again? I feel damaged beyond repair and feel that I’m only good in the world when I’m writing anonymous letter to strangers. I don’t know how much longer I can be two people living in the same body. No matter what I do, I’m always living a lie. I feel like I’m trapped in my own body, in some never ending crazy nightmare. How can someone be so full or wonder and love, yet be so hateful and disconnected?
Sorry for all the typos. I should have read it before posting, but I’m on a phone.
I live in Australia & my oldest child, who works for a supermarket has a saying of “F^ck ’em”. I think for most people, the process of developing your own identity is probably implicit – it just happens as you follow your interests. But what happens if you have a traumatic experience? This is where you’re forced to change against your will. That leads to a lot cognitive dissonance & not surprisingly thru it, potential depression, anxiety & Bipolar (yep, I’ve seen it all over the last 20 years with both my wife & I). It seems that the harder you try to retain / re-establish your old identity, the worse it gets. That’s why the saying “F*ck ’em” is sometimes so good. The difficult consequence of a traumatic experience is knowing & accepting where it leaves you. You (really me projecting) see a huge barrier between you & your old friends as them being normal & not you. Are you abnormal because of your experiences or normal for someone who has had “abnormal” experiences? By saying you’re abnormal & ostracised, you’re beating yourself up. I used to do this after coming to Australia, finding that I couldn’t get a job in anything related to my qualifications & experience, then having to take a job alongside newly released convicts to get into the job market. My wife developed clinical depression / now bipolar & I had a family to feed. For years, people just told me I was wierd – until I slowly stated to meet people who had exactly the same types of experience. Just this week, an Australian research group made headlines with the finding that discrimination costs the Australian government more than smoking. This won’t make any difference to my life, I’m sure, but it does say “Believe in yourself, eventually you’ll find people who appreciate you. The big thing is to not let the experience embitter you – & that’s quite a feat!
Imogen, I read your post with tears as oh I hear you so loud and clear. I can feel everything you wrote as I’ve experienced exactly the same things, except a little different with the physical as I have pain from a car accident, so much incredible off the charts pain.
From all the things that have happened in my life I feel I am so broken beyond repair, I cry and actually tell myself you are broken….that word upsets me so much. Oh boy I try to be positive I really do but feel I’m also trapped, to be honest I sometimes just want to be alone, I go for long hikes in the wilderness and that’s actually where I’m the happiest, I feel I cannot function in life, I don’t feel “normal” and I don’t want to be like a lot of people anyway!! they are not nice!
I’ve often thought do I just live like a hermit as life hurts me so much I can’t stand it.
I’ve suffered from depression since about age 19, my family did not understand and I was treated like I was nuts…yet they drank, did drugs…I never said a word but they all hated me.
I don’t want to be this person, for years I just smiled, said everything was fine, oh boy is that draining!! I’m just done with that!
I also feel SO disconnected, it frightens me, I want a lively, productive life, but feel it will never happen as something is wrong with me. There’s this overwhelming feeling of I’m not normal.
Just want to say I totally understand and wish I had advice, I’m told just go out in to the world and it’ll be okay but it’s not, I don’t feel okay.
Sending you big hugs….
So is it comfort I find that so many other people seem to be in a situation similar to mine? Or is it cynicism from reading so many confirmations that life really is an endlessly deep sh–hole?
I have come to believe the latter.
I think most people who are expressing themselves here are reaching out for someone or something to save them. I used to be among that number. However, I realize that there is no such thing as hope. I have learned that it is useless even to try any more.
I used to dream. Not any more.
I used to see something for tomorrow. Not any more.
I used to create. Not any more. Just not worth it. Nobody cares unless they’re going to profit from it in some way.
So basically I have slipped beyond depression. Beyond self hate. Beyond hopelessness.
I have finally realized that only bad things happen whenever I am involved. The world is affected in a net negative way because I am in it. And frankly, suicide would result in doing the world a favor. I wouldn’t be using any more oxygen, and at least my ashes might provide something fertile to result perhaps in something good — a tree, or a crop maybe.
So I have officially slipped beyond worthlessness to believing I have a net negative worth to the world and that offing myself would actually therefore be a positive thing.
When God stops wanting you, there’s nothing left.
eeh ug JG
I know this language & have been thru some of it. Had to keep going in an utterly surreal existence to bring up the kids. Perhaps one thing you can learn from depression is a whole new world view – though it’s a really painful process. Depressed people can be real bastards to themselves (like you’re being above) – when they need to be kinder to themselves. If you’re beyond self hate & hopelessness, you’re in a great place for dumping a lot of unnecessary shoulds & musts. After all, if you have such a negative value, will I ever read of you as some demonic mastermind in the newspaper? I doubt it. The real demons don’t suffer from depression & when they’re knocked down, they bounce right back – apparently a characteristic of psychopaths.
Jg,
I am truly sorry you feel this way, although I my self knows what it can feel like but sometimes we just have to keep moving. I know right now there doesn’t seem to be hope and everything seems pointless but it will get better, life is not perfect as much as we want to believe but we do have to believe that we are here for a reason and you my friend have value and purpose, you might not know what it is right me but you will, find the courage within yourself to shake off the demons and come back… It’s an awful thing to think that suicide is the answer, it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I live with that everyday since my brother made that decision, please don’t! It’s go be to be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow but it will get better! Good luck.
I am atheist so I don’t think God doesn’t want me. I do believe heavily in reincarnation ( long story about my young son who changed my life forever). But everything you said is ME EXACTLY. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT. NOT FOR ME, my kids, my family, my husband. I spend most every day in bed. I rarely get dressed or put on makeup ( trust me-that is not the person anyone knew or even I know. I feel useless, worthless, unneeded. Why am I here. My husband cannot understand at all. I am beyon MDD. NOTHING GIVES ME JOY. SADLY NOT EVEN MY 2 children husband, family. Or any hobby or activity I once did. I used to be materialistic, vain about my appearance in public. Now I do not care 1 iota about anything. I don’t clean, cook, take care of the kids a lot, I rarely shower or shave. I just don’t care about me any more. This has been much more than a year. I see a psychiatrist, psychologist( not anymore). Take 2 ant depressants and many anti anxiety pills. Nothing helps. I’ve tried meditation and positive thinking. Nothing. Works. I just don’t think I am needed here anymore. I am more than depressed. I am done. Not suicidal yet. But i give in. Give up. Done.
Ditto, JG, worded perfectly!! Let me add only one thing, please. I have finally been moved recently by understanding that the the only true reason for our existence is to help others get through. And from that a relationship is formed based on trust and kindness (aka. love) and you find yourself with a friend and then another either by your effort to help another or by the your new friend’s effort and then amazingly you begin a world of people you know (aka. Life) that provides love and care because the relationships were all begun with caring for another. Hug to you
I have been so depressed for about 4 years now, I’ve lost my mother and my brother a year apart and I felt bad for about 4 years, now I thought I had my life back together but it seems to come back, I feel depressed and lonely and as I can’t find anyone to talk to including my spouse, it seems to bother him when I tell him I feel sad. I have moved so I lost my friends but I can’t seem to make new ones, I know people but I can’t seem to build close relationships with others, that’s where feeling lonely comes in, I know I have issues but I’m genuinely a nice person but it gets me nowhere, I have a husband and a family and everything is great but in my personal life just me, I feel like I can’t go on sometimes how can someone’s life be so depressing, I spend days just sitting here at home and mostly sleeping because u have no one to do anything with and I know that can’t be right but what choice do I have, I believe I’m hitting rock bottom and I can’t go on anymore like this, please help.
Janet
you may not approve of this idea, but go & see a good psychic. They won’t know you & should be able to tell you odd things about you & your deceased relatives. This is a proof that there is an afterlife & your relatives inevitably will tell you that they are happy there. NB this does not mean you can commit suicide. I’d guess your husband feels confronted by & incapable of confronting your emotions. Depressed people’s emotions are trying & can wear one out emotionally. I find just expressing myself on this site & hopefully helping others meaningful. One thing about this blog is that you’re communicating with others with similar concerns & your experiences are or have been often been their’s. I think when you go looking for friends as an immediate objective, you don’t find them. You have to do it as a happy person would – pursue an interest without worrying about whether you’re good at it & let people come to you. This is easier said than done when the immediate emotion is a huge lump of bile.When you’re depressed, you want everyone to love you first up, but I don’t think that’s the way it works. Two things you haven’t mentioned are whether you’re on anti-depressants or using counselling. They definitely can work, but aren’t magic wands. Next, tho this is probably the last thing you feel like, I’d say you need a reward system to get you to start doing little jobs – to help you get going – perhaps a motivation poster then a list of little jobs that you can tick off. You really need help to do this. At least, until you start on anti-depressants, drink St Johns Wort tea. What you’re expressing is an awareness of the big divide between your head & your heart. What you know on some level you should be doing & what you want to / are doing. A good therapist & medication are probably the best cures.
No, I’m not on anti depressants I stopped taking those years ago as they were not helping me, I don’t think about suicide as much as I used to initially because I know what that can do to a family considering that is how I lost my brother. But, I do thank you for the advice and I will consider medication again since I’ve been feeling this way for a while now and haven’t really done anything about it
Hi Janet
my wife has been on anti depressants / anti psychotics / mood stabilizers for 15 years. I don’t want to belittle those who say that these don’t work. My wife’s medications are frequently changed as the psychiatrist tries to find something that leads to “Breakthrough” – if that’s still the goal. If she is off medication or on a bad one, she’s impossible. If the psychiatrist hits it right, she’s great & I become the problem. One has to have emotional defenses when living with a crabby depressant. Then when they’re in a good mood, one’s own conditioning can be all inappropriate. I wonder also to what degree the person on medication is aware of the effects of anti depressants on them. Also, when people say that they don’t work, I wonder whether those people are using a GP or a good psychiatrist ie whether they are using someone who is actively managing their medication in a well considered way. The problems for the depressed person include knowing who is good – they’re all experts (until they stuff up with you – and of course that’s never happened before) & secondly managing the experts takes energy that you may very well feel you do not have. So, my limited experience says medication increases the odds of making you feel better and therapy can also help. – to the point that they take my wife from not functioning (driving us bankrupt) to holding down a job. It’s a big difference!
Janet ,
You are not alone. I am exactly the same. No pleasures. Not even from my young children. Not even vacations or spas ( which used to be my favorite). Just a sinking depressive darkness. I stay in bed all day. I rarely get dressed and / makeup. It takes ALL MY ENERGY TO DO JUST THAT. I am friendless because I am a shut in. I stopped returning texts and calls years ago. I’m astranged from my side of the family except my younger brother. ( with really good reason … Toxic people)!! I’m afraid I will wither away in my dark cave of a room. My anxiety flies to top notch if I go out and try to socialize with just MY 2 YOUNG BOYS AND HUSBAND. ON klonipin/ Valium alternating because of tolerance. But nothing helps. Feel like I just am an extra piece in this world.
Although you feel this way, I’m sure your family still needs you specially your children, you might not see that now but can you imagine them growing up withouth you, I think about my kids all the time and how they would be affected if I ever gave in, they keep me going
Every since I was a teenager I only had a few friends. Over the years even those friends drifted away as our lives diverged and we all approached our 30’s. Around the time of me starting to have no friends at all, I started to become very promiscuous. I’d never really been confident around women before, without drugs and alcohol anyway, but suddenly I became very good at it. Obviously, without really thinking about it, losing my few friends forced me to find company in other ways. So this is how I lived my life into my late twenties to mid thirties – women here, there and everywhere. Sounds like fun, right? Really my problems started then. I’d become infatuated easily and desperately wanted to be loved back, even if it was only for a few months, weeks or even one night. There was a lot of ups and downs and emotional turmoil, and a lot of people came into and left my life. My life was like a revolving door. Then I met someone I really loved and who really loved me. We were together for 6 years and I was as happy as it is possible to be but the relationship broke down and she ended things in cruel circumstances and was absolutely rotten to me afterwards, spreading lies about me and taking every opportunity to wound me. I still don’t know why she treated me like that after we had both been so happy for 95% of the last 6 years, I adored her and she was my life. Even after everything that happened I still loved her and still do love her. Really if you asked me if I could have anything in the world, it would be to have her in my arms, even if it was for a one single minute. So now I was in my 40’s, heartbroken and completely alone. For two whole years I sat alone in a room and cried, I had absolutely no one in the world and was utterly distraught. Eventually I started to see other women again but none interested me. I had no feelings for them, not even sexual feelings. They utterly bored me and if anyone seemed to like me, I was rotten to them and hated them for it. I knew I was taking out my anger with my ex partner on them and that it wasn’t fair, also I was scared to be let down again. So I went back to being heart broken, depressed and alone. I’m in my mid 40’s now and I don’t see any hope in the future. I recently lost my job because my depression effected my performance. Now I don’t even have work to take my mind off things, or people to talk to in the office. Every day is so long and so completely silent. Nothing distracts me from my misery for more than a few minutes and I feel as if it is inevitable that I will become homeless or a suicide. I don’t know how my life has turned out this way. I bet people who know me wouldn’t even suspect how it really is and on the one or two occasions when I thought I had made a real new friend, and told them about how I really am, they quickly disappear, they can’t cope with it or just aren’t interested. No one cares and I feel as if I’m too old and exhausted now to every get out of this.
Hey man I would be your friend or at least in here,I am not weird or anything but ruined my last relationship with my depression and my outbursts and inconsideration of one of the best girls I;ve eve met,The first few years was amazing i was truly happy in most ways though no great job,just took what I could to keep afloat.She was great,but became remote due to my selfishness and my musical talent and ego getting in the way. Now she may be dying and wants nothing at all to do with me not even her family or friends
If you want to get in touch man I wouldn’t mind.
I ‘ll leave the ball in your court
cheers
H
I am a 17 year old. I live in south africa, i am doing grade 12 this year. But , my whole teenage years i have being suffering from anxiety and depression . It started when i was in france with my family which was way way worse back then. Since i got back in south africa , it;s a lot better but i am suffering from a severe depression right now. Nobody knows that i am depressed because i keep it to myself . I feel hopless, i cannot do anything , i have no self confidance and when i am out there i pretend i am okay because that’s what everyone does. I cannot leave the house, i overeat in a day and negative thoughts are going through my head all day long. I wish i someone knew how i feel , because i am sick and tired of this illness. I cannot do anything i enjoy , i want to get better but it’s so hard to go out when you are depressed .Everyone around you is so happy, laughing and i feel like nobody cares about me. I know for sure , depression runs in my family ……
Thendo,
Have you talked to someone about how you are feeling…a relative, counselor from your school, someone from a faith community or even a therapist in your city? You need to talk to someone! You can’t keep living like this. Remember you have people here who support you.
My wife has been having an affair for a few months now. We just had our first first child together less than nine months ago. She since moved out, and and doesnt show any remorse for breaking up our once happy home. I still love and miss her very much. I sit in our marital home now dark, unkempt, and lonely beyond belief. I’ve haven’t any friends and never get to see my baby daughter. Depression has been setting in and I’m scared.
That’s got to be tough, unbelievably tough. I can’t begin to imagine the things going through your mind. Take your life back though, whatever it takes take it back now! We have to keep moving or we get left behind.
Prayer helps Bb. Sorry your going through this????
Dear Bb.
None of this is your fault. NONE. your wife is a narcissistic person. That is untreatable with meds. But you are not. Get to a psychiatrist and psychologist ASAP!!! Please don’t dismiss me. Get on meds ( psychiatrist). The psychologist is for psychotherapy or just to talk, listen, and give you advice if you ask. Next, which I hope you’ve already done: get the best family/ divorce attorney you can afford. Trust me it’s worth it. Depending on the state you live in depends on custody and alimony and child support. In FL, if you are a fit parent ( father or mother i.e. No drugs alcohol etc…) custody is split 50 50!!!!! And the key years of marriage for any any type of alimony is 11, yes 11 years of marriage. If under that she is shit out of luck. All marital asserts presuming no prenup- are split 50 50 too. So stop the depression. Get your baby back, at least 50%!!! And do NOT TALK TO HER, serving the papers must catch her off guard. Trust me. I am an expert in this field. A depressed person yes????, but I know exactly what I am talking about. Find out the laws of your state ASAP. WAKE UP SNAP OUT OF IT. WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU? Understand? I’m sorry I’m being harsh but this is SITUATIONAL DEPRESSION YOU CAN FIX!!! Please let me know????????????
I’m 57 years old. I have worked at a job for 30 years. I’ve have not been happy since I was a child. I have no friends. I have no extended family that I know very well (Thousands of miles away.) My wife doesn’t want to hear me talking about my problems so I say, “I’m fine” an awful lot. This is to avoid being criticized for being “so negative all the time.” Sometimes she offers deep, insightful advice like, “Just go meet some people” or “Just get a new job.” This pisses me off to the point I’d like to push her face into a wall. I have no professional network. I have a bullshit degree from a bullshit university. I’ve always taken the easy way out because I’m a lazy useless shithead. Nothing is “fun.” I saw a doctor about this. that was a waste of time because the asshole is using his medical degree to write prescriptions. No talking. No therapy. Just fucking pills and a new prescription every 60 days. I’m angry and alienated and have given up on just about everything except my dogs. Having said that and to answer your final question, I don’t “reach out” because people are untrustworthy assholes that are only concerned with themselves and who will throw your sorry ass under the bus at the first inkling of something that makes them uncomfortable. Or they might do it for their amusement. Who cares? Why should I tell anyone my problems? 95 percent of them don’t give a shit and the other 5 percent are glad it’s you and not them. I hope you all die in a fire, actually.
What can I say Jack-I have often had the same feelings
Friends do let you down and I do despair of finding a kindred spirit in life.
I have a wonderful husband who is my rock
and I hang on to this throughout all the
negativity.
I expect your dogs adore you!
Thinking of you and sending good wishes
You know, today I so feel like you do here. I even go to a support group that when you call them if they call you back at all there is no support. I feel as if it the loses club. I try and try and fight alone. No one gets what I’m going through other than other people going through bipolor depression. I feel so alone!
I’m 23 years old, live with my parents, and I often feel pretty depressed over not having any friends. Since I was young I have struggled with trying to connect with people. I was never that close to anyone in high school and when I started college I never had any friends and barely spoke to people. I would just go to school for classes and then go home. I got poor grades and ended up dropping out but have since re-enrolled.
I am also a closeted gay person which has made my depression a lot worse since I am not out to anyone in my family and don’t even have any friends that I could hide this from. Recently I got a crush on a guy in college who probably doesn’t even know I exist. It is hard not to think about him and know that once the classes I am taking are done, I will probably never see him again.
Other than school, I have a part-time retail job though where I have been trying to talk a little more, but I still struggle with this. What makes things worse for me is that I don’t have many interests which makes me pretty boring and awkward to talk too. My humor is also pretty bad in that I don’t really have any at all. If you can’t joke around and are serious all the time, making friends will be just that much harder. I also talk so little that I don’t sound natural when I speak, so people think I can’t speak English even though that is the only language I know…
My story might not sound all that bad to others, but for me, I am just pretty depressed.
Sometimes I just wish I was never born.
Never say you wish you had never been born. That in itself is an insult to your parents those who love you and anyone who ha tried to help you along the way. Disrespect is another way to feel self pity. Sorry I am being blunt but I’m just trying to show you the reverse side Sad Guy. I was a teacher for 18 years until my MS ( multiple sclerosis ) got sooo bad I had to quit and get disability (1/10 Th of my pay????). But life is tough. It is not going to hand you ANYTHING AT ALL. WHATEVER YOU NEED OR WANT YOU YES YOU MUST GO GET OR AT LEAST TRY. From the sound of your issues it reminds me of 3 students I had. Exactly the same symptoms. Aspergers. Yes. It is an EXTREMELY MILD form of autism. Bill Gates has it!!!! You really need screened ASAP. PLEASE. MY husband is also a pediatrition. When young, was is difficult to make friends- or did you just not feel the need? Like 1st , 2nd , 3rd grades or so did you HATE GROUP WORK? Maybe still do? Did you talk to yourself under your breath( optional symptom). Did you play alone, no friends? No idea or even caring about it AT THAT AGE? That is Aspergers symptoms. Were you particularly good at 1 subject only when YOUNG? Now you can’t or have trouble connecting on other’s emotional levels. That is why it is hard and may be impossible to make new friends. Hard to keep jobs- even EYE CONTACT FOR LONG. Sound familiar? As far as you gay friend, so what? I have gay friends, black friends, my best friend is from India! We are all 1. And no, I am not a religious person at all. Quite the opposite actually. I just really think from experience your depression has a lot more to do with your condition than just depression alone. Don’t get me wrong, it does and will cause depression, but you need to like I said see a neurologist ASAP FOR AN EVALUATION – leave out nothing. Be honest for your sake. You are here for a reason. You just have not found it yet! For goodness sakes your 23!!! I’m 42!! I have twice the life experience than you. And also inside knowledge. Knowledge that your parents should have picked up on by the 2nd or 3 rd grade. But like I said it is extremely mild. It is a completely functional form of autism– most experts agree that Einstein had it too. It really affects socially. Which then effects the rest of you like a downward spiral. Please don’t let this go on another day, especially if you have insurance. Also, no promises, but you would qualify for disabled. Which isn’t much, but they still allow you to goto school or work! PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK WITH RESULTS. I AM SOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU I FORGOT HOW DEPRESSED I AM!
At least you have a devoted wife. I have been cheated on now by 11 different women and though incredibly lonely,I am now scared to death of women. No0one can run into the ‘wrong types of girl’ eleven separate times. I am even more petrified of ending up along as I am now just 53 and feel I want to die in my sleep. Nothing changes and I end up back with my parents every time I break up with a girl and I also end up broke.
I see no way out of this repeating cycle and nobody cares, I know lots of people but nobody calls to ask how I am.
This life is sheer hell !
You sound like me a very lonely person at 56 spend most time with my mother but I miss having a man to enjoy a meal with.i to wish I was never born, my neighbors are just that neighbors no friends no life but work and that’s part time with seniors so no one to connect to
Well living back at home with my parents I’m 46 suffer from PTSD, depression. Also just found out I hv stage 4 kidney failure. After being the victim of a crime I had to move back home back to a city that I hate and I’m living with parents that are emotionally abusive, and my doctor has said my environment is not conducive for healing.
Im receive SSDI and I hv no children. No friends and I’m so confused as where to start, or how to do it. Especially when everyday from the timerror I get up until I go to bed negative and mental abuse from my parents. My mom charges me 500 every month which is why I can’t move out. Just writing this I sound and feel like a loser. I feel it’s too late for me too late for love, anything. I just pray that anyone else that feels like this will overcome the pain.
Alisa you dont have friends you can confide in? With all you have going on, I see how it can be overwhelming and make you feel stuck…..like you don’t know how to carry on. But you can! Where are you from? What different community programs do they have out there?
I’m Jared, 17, and frankly depressed. A few weeks back I lost the girl of my dreams. She was my first real “best friend” and the first person I could really talk to about how I felt. I lost my dad 4 years ago in 2011 right after I “graduated” 6th grade. Up until her I hid in my room, playing computer games, making music, and trying to avoid the pain. I dated her for a year, lost everything across the board to this girl and honestly cared for her more than anything else in the whole world. She was my world and I know that we probably wouldn’t get married (although honestly during the time I wasn’t opposed to it after years of dating and us both getting through college and successfully being together) and I knew we probably would end up breaking up. Unfortunately one day I woke up and she was gone. It’s complicated, and we had our issues but we were always there for each other and now she is gone. Since then she had really opened the gates and gotten me out of my room and into the world and now everything is hitting me at once. At first I didn’t have any friends and I was able to make them back however her friends are my friends and because most of my friends are females they of course pick her side and I end up with no one. My guy friends are few; I go to a k-12 school with 500 kids in all, 125 in the highschool wing, and 50 in my class. Most i’ve known since first grade. My guy friends aren’t very interested in a relationship and just want to fuck or party. I’m a pot head, I smoke daily either weed or a vape pen. The past few weeks I have barely been to school. I sleep most of my days away. I find it hard to look anywhere without remembering my ex, or my father. In a lot away I feel flawed. A few weeks back I took pills to try to end my life. I ended up in the hospital the next day and spent the next 20 hours in a locked room waiting to be talked to and evaluated. Since then pills have basically been locked away from me (for good reason) and some nights I find myself sitting in my closet with a rope around my neck wishing I had the courage to drop or kick a chair out from underneath me. It’s the the solution, and unfortunately it’s what my brain turns to in all situations. My father hung himself and that is always in the back of my mind so whenever anything upsets me goes wrong or I feel like I did something wrong my first thought is to end my life. I’m not a very active person, I broke my arm snowboarding a year ago and just had surgery and finally got the ok to go and be active again but I can’t find the courage to do so. Talking to people at the moment doesn’t feel like an option because I’m a very “locked” away kind of person. Meaning I don’t let someone in unless I trust them and feel they can truly help me. The only person i’ve ever really let in being my ex. Now I’m faced with all these issues and do not know where to turn to. I’m on anti-depressents, just got put on even harder more fast acting one’s for when I go down hill quick and even then those don’t seem to be working. I have people that want to reach out to me and I understand that but it’s not that simple because of who I am. I never really learned to be that type of person I’m used to sitting in my room playing games. Not talking about my feelings or having feelings. Infact up until last year when I met my girlfriend I hadn’t cried in 4 years because of the pure fact that when my dad past I got into a mind set of, it’s done there is nothing I can do.
Frankly I’m not sure why i’m posting this, maybe because I just want to put it out there. I’m see’ing a therapist, and everyone is aware of my issues but it’s an internal battle that i’m struggling with. I often find myself every other day looking at the best way’s to kill yourself. Infact I could probably give you the quickest ways to kill yourself with the best possible chance of success with the least amount of “lets say wait time” until your death. I’ve tried posting on places like Reddit, unfortunately don’t get any comments. I know people care, and I know I have potential and I realize I need to move through this but without someone there that I can TRULY trust I can’t move forward.
Thanks for reading, good luck to you all,
What’s up Jared, man you’ve gone through a lot for a seventeen year old. I hope things get easier for you bud. Please don’t kill yourself. Time heels man.
Jared,
Im sorry that you are dealing with this. Its taking me so long to figure out what to say because i dont want to say anything that turns your issue into mine. I will just say that you are not alone! I’m glad you are seeing a therapist….I’ve been saying forever that i need to see someone but never actually do it. Please find a way to be happy with yourself because until you do that you will never be happy with anybody. Only you can take control of your life, nobody can do it for you. Maybe if i loved myself i wouldnt be in a relationship of 9 years with someone who is just toxic himself…dont put yourself in my position. Be with someone for love and not to fill the void of loneliness or depression.
I have to say when I was with this girl, I was in love with her and she helped me love myself but because I never did that before her it’s hard to find the path to love myself like I did when I was a little kid.
Everyone here is very nice and I have no Idea what you are going through Veronica, but be proactive about your own issue’s and take the initiative to moving towards a happier life style.
Another will come … Read my LONG POST PLEASE!!! I’ve been exactly where u are!
I’m in Colorado if you ever need anything. & phone friends can be a step to something right?
Jared ,
This is — I know you have heard this a million times now —
Sorry very very very common for teen girls and boys! Your 1 st true love NEVER leaves you. My heart was broken when I was 16. We dated 1 1/2 years. He was my first for everything and viva versa. I didn’t want to breath without him. He was my first call in the morning and last at night ( and I’m older, NO CELL PHONES THEN!!!!). He was a year older than me. He couldn’t afford a car, so when I turned 16 I let him drop me off at school and pick
Me up so he felt better about himself. I was SELF SACRIFICING. I.E. CODEPENDENT. No of course I did not know that then. One day I went to his house after school and he WAS GONE! His sister said he packed up in the middle of the night, had his 1/2 brother who he never met pick him up and take him to Tennessee. !?!?!?!? This had to have been planned obviously. I thought I was dying. Literally. Couldn’t breath. Heart crazy. Dizzy. Passed out. Couldn’t stop crying or shaking. In utter disbelief he would do this to me. We never even fought! After my mom came, the sister told us her phone was turned off. He left no address no phone number. Nothing. ( single horrible poor& cheap adopted dad). So no way to reach him at ALL????. I sat crying by my phone 24/7. Didn’t eat or drink for soo many days I was hospitalized. Saw a psychiatrist and psychologist. Got on anti anxiety and anti depressants. Still waited by the phone every day for years. No closure. No goodbye. No explanation ???? I heard he met a red girl got married after4. Yes 4 days. Joined the air force and the 2 of them moved to Alaska!?!?! I had to go back to a counselor after this news. What was wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Soo unimportant unworthy of any bye or reasons? Married after 4 days?!?! Heartbreak can feel like your dying. I never cried so much in 1 year as I did then. But sweetie. I am 42. I met my husband at 18! We have 2 beautiful boys ages 13 and 9. We’ve gone to college. Got careers. Traveled the us and all of the carribean. Bought our dream home, then after 10 years we had kids. Now we have it all. We can afford to give them anything if we wanted or take them anywhere. Next month we are ( alone!) going to Rome and Venice Italy for our anniversary. WHATS MY POINT YOU SAY????? EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. YOU WONT KNOW IT FOR A LONG TIME. BUT ITS TRUE. I SM A LIVING EXAMPLE. IF I WOULD HAVE MARRIED MY “first love”. I’d be living in the sticks of Tennessee in a run down trailer. With 3 kids, while he drank every night. That’s what he does now—- to his 3rd WIFE!!!! Karma. Sweet karma. Always comes. So take antidepressants and anti anxiety pills to get through this. “This is but a moment in your young life”….. So don’t do anything stupid. You might mess with your real future. This girl didn’t deserve you. You’ll see. Yes she brought you out of your shell. But honey there are more girls than guys out there chances are forever in your favor! Good luck. Please don’t have made me write all this in vain! I am disabled (multiple sclerosis – MS) and extremely depressed myself with high anxiety. But your story I lived through. A smart person learns from their own mistakes, BUT AN INTELLIGENT ONE LEARNS FROM OTHERS MISTAKES! Please email me to keep me up to date you have my anxiety through the roof! I wish I was talking to you in person and ACTUALLY GETTING THROUGH TO YOU! Please email me. Or if it’s unavailable text back and I’ll give it. My support and heart to you????????❤️???? CM
I’m sorry to hear about your what happened to you when you were younger. I can not even imagine how that felt.
As of right now I’m doing ok. I know each stage in your life is different and I accept that I guess it’s just hard to see the future when you have to live through a present time that you don’t want to live through.
I hope you are really doing alright now. Are you taking medication? Or seeing any sort of therapist? Please highs and lows will come and go What if you are on a high point. You seem smart. Please be aware of your emotions. Never let it get to the point of suicidal thinking. Tell someone immediately if you have any urges. And for your ex. STAY AWAY. NO TALK NO FRIENDSHIP. NO STALKING TRY NOT TO THINK. GIVE ALL AND ANY PICS, NOTES ETC.. To your mom to hide. Or stash them in the attic for when your an adult. Stay in touch. Time is the ONLY. ONLY. thing that can heal you.
My best thoughts. CM