Lately, I’ve come across a number of questions online by plainly anguished people, asking: Why do I have no friends, no life? The first time I saw one this blunt, I reacted almost defensively, laughing as I recalled an old film in which a man hires a private detective to find out why he has no friends. Isn’t it obvious? But I knew so well how much the question implied. Lonely and depressed, I had often asked that same question, or at least felt the need to ask it.
I wrote an earlier post about the difference I experience between loneliness and depression. Loneliness is a sadness at the loss of close relationships. It drives me to reach out to people. Depression pushes me away from them. When I feel these two at the same time – as I can if the depression is not too severe – the tension of these opposing forces makes it all the harder to find the help I need.
Thinking back over many years of living with depression, I can quickly find many reasons why I had such trouble finding a friend to talk to when I most needed one. (I’ll set aside the much worse problem of not talking to my wife. I’ve said a lot about the reasons behind that, especially in this post.) Here are some of the problems from my experience. I can’t say how true they might be for others.
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Sometimes it wasn’t I who had an issue with reaching out but friends who had trouble opening themselves to listen. Many people refuse to talk about depression or other serious illnesses. I first found that out when I had cancer. It was stunning to me that a few people I had known quite well simply disappeared from my life. Though I never heard any explanation from them, my wife and I believed they couldn’t face the risk of emotional involvement and possible loss.
Depression adds another dimension. Many may feel helpless in the face of a friend’s pain and despairing mood. When I reached out for support, some friends were sympathetic but at a loss as to what they could do to help. And, of course, some friends are not in the habit of probing their own emotional lives and run from the idea of listening to someone else trying to go deeply into feelings. That’s a language they haven’t learned and never want to know.
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One habit of my own depressed thinking was to assume that everyone I met had the same negative and contemptuous view of me that I did of myself. I projected my own shame into their minds and then retreated before the dislike I was sure they felt. It’s so strange to imagine that this could have been such a common occurrence, but it was. I stopped myself from reaching out because I “knew” these friends wanted to have nothing to do with me.
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Then there was the isolating drive of depression, the belief that I was in too much pain to face anyone – too lost in despair to move. I believed I could survive only by cutting myself off from everyone, yet that only intensified the feeling of having nowhere to turn. I ruled out the possibility that anyone could break through the wall I’d put up around me. The result was that I went more deeply into despair. Eventually, the crisis passed, but it wasn’t the isolation that had helped me survive. That only increased the likelihood that I might push myself over the edge.
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When feeling more numb than despairing, I could often get out and talk to people, even at social gatherings. But I became very nervous at what I might say. It wasn’t uncommon for me to make an attempt at getting to know someone or to get into a personal issue with a friend. But the words I found myself speaking were not at all what I intended. They had an edge to them, putting a jab into each pleasantry, souring a compliment with a sarcastic tone, or pouring out so much so fast that I sounded impossibly egocentric and uninterested in anyone but myself. I acted like someone I would never want to know. Of course, people could tell at once that I had “issues” and walked the other way.
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So often, I had to mix with people when I wanted only to hide. I made it hard for anyone to find me, no matter how many people might be in the room or how prominent my role was supposed to be. Emotionally, I lost connection with what was happening and just watched it go by. I felt so small and tried to be invisible. If anyone asked me a question, I’d become tongue-tied, or, if I tried to say much, the words and thoughts came with painful slowness. It was impossible for anyone to talk to me.
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At other times, anxiety and fear could hold me back from talking freely. Taking part in conversation was hard because I had to double-think everything I wanted to say. There was a danger in the simple spontaneity of conversation among friends – a danger for me of any uncontrolled talking. I had to reflect to get the words just so, and then would miss the right moment as talk flowed on to something different. It’s hard to imagine now, but talking freely felt risky, as if an inner violence might escape my control.
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Apart from all this, there was the natural reaction anyone might have at suddenly hearing from me when I was in need of someone to talk to. Wrapped up in myself and in depression, as I was, my reaching out was an attempt to meet my own need in a one-sided way. Not only that, but my friends would not find me at all even if they wanted to listen and offer support. I wasn’t the same person because I was driven by the strange, isolating rules of depression. Even if I didn’t want to be hidden, I was nowhere to be found.
All this added up to a comprehensive strategy for remaining friendless. And that’s what it was – a series of my own actions to keep me isolated from the help that friends might offer and pull me out of the life I’d had with them. This hit me one day when I was the one who was asked to listen to a friend in the midst of a terrible depression.
I met him at a restaurant for lunch one day, and I could tell at once that he had changed in a way that made him hard to recognize. Of course, he looked and sounded the same, but there was nothing in his words or reactions that was like my friend. He was lost, partly in rage, partly in despair.
When I tried to tell him the deep sympathy I felt for what he was going through, that only made him angry. More than that, I felt a deep rage boiling inside him as his eyes stared through me with steel intensity.
It was especially hard to see him this way since I knew I was looking at myself.
What has your experience been in trying to reach out to friends when deeply troubled?
Image: Some Rights Reserved by Ashley_Rose at Flickr
ThNk you for sharing. #4 is so me. I have become so embittered: traumatized from an even that happened 8 years ago. My family moved to a small rural town—UGLY part of the country, hot as hell, no jobs, no culture, very clique-y. 8 years here and I STILL haven’t adjusted. I hate it here with Every fiber of my being. Everything about this place reminds me on a daily basis of the unspeakable trauma and feel like I’ve been banished to the living hell on earth. I feel like in order to save my sanity, I need to get as far away from this place as possible. Unfortunately that means my marriage wouldn’t close because my spouse using to move even though I’ve been so unhappy here. I’m afraid to have interaction with other people because I feel like there’s just this obvious unhappiness that permeate from my every poor. I bake it for a long time here but I can’t do it anymore it’s too much. I’m so lonely and desperate.
The article’s describes me.
I spent 30 years having friends. It was hard, because I moved country every three years. Then I transitioned, and stayed in the same country ( that I dislike ) for the past 8 years. I have no choice in the country I live in. So, now divorced, but with a young child, I am unable to leave. I have been depressed to at least 8 years. It has been a blur and a waste, and it worsens day by day, year by year. There are no doctors , psychitrist, psychologists available: They claim to speak English but their English lacks emotion, and complexity: they are so cold and detached that I don’t feel human with them – I am an unwanted medical experiment. Sessions went nowhere.
Seek help is mantra, but there is no help available to seek.
Regards,
Wow I’d love to know how you are now
This really hit home with me. I hate your going through this but comfort in not being alone. Your wanted
I was lonely being an only child from a divorced fam. I wanted brothers and sisters until i got to know people with large families where they fought all the time. i bought dog. i got a girl preggo and married her but you know i shouldn’t have done it because you cant make someone love you . I finally had to tell her to get out. so now im alone again and you know thinking back i I ALWAYS WAS ALONE. most of the gifts i bought her are in the basement. so you young kids 20-30 , choose wisely.
going through my parents things i found boxes of love letters, hundreds. and that is what love looks like.
I have a similar story. I have 2 brothers. I moved 2 years ago. She was the first and only friend I have. About 5 days ago, on Roblox, she said she didn’t want to talk to me or be friends anymore. I don’t know why. Even asking her friends didn’t help. They were also hating on me. I even said,”Fine i’ll never talk to you again.” she said, “Good” Maybe it was because of when me and my brother got in a tiny fight- I knocked his glasses off, he was pushing me with his feet. I feel like i’m gonna cry writing this in a class. It may be depression or loneliness. I don’t feel mad its that I don’t really make friends. So this was devastating. I’m a middle schooler. She never had ever shown signs of not liking me, we talked regularly.
In the end we are all alone
Wow, so simply said yet very true. Thanks for conveying that, and hopefully many understand what that really means. Yes, in the end, when nothing more matters in this earthly life, we stand alone, ready to see the face of God. And, if our faith is strong, He picks us up in His arms, never to be alone again. One good thing is that all of us have a chance to be saved by the “grace of God.”
Some are alone from the beginning to the end
Wow I can’t believe I wrote this out I even deleted a bunch I would delete more but ffs I killed it a bit idec if it gets read or not … actually I kinda wish I didn’t bother wasting the last 2 hours writing it 😶👈
newly addicted to meth,just had a babyshes now6(living with her father) with my mom dying it put my world at a standstill.. took the lights out of my life I couldnt even make it to say my goodbyes.even my than incarcerated brother made it to her side..I’m ashamed someone in wrist&ankle shackles could get there but I couldnt
I hit rock bottom(multiple time I didn’t wanna be alone for my thoughts to take control of me and everyone who said would be there for me after she died only left me, alone..I was desperate& ppl obviously saw my vulnerability I let anyone into my home offered them to live with me (multiple different roommates), they were all in the same drug scene and I was still fairly new so was in for a wakeup call.. every person used me,made me feel uncomfortable&unwanted in my own home I feel people’s vibes&they secluded me lots one included to be my cousin who I grew up with in diapers we WERE the tightest cousins back than.. before the drug, they never helped me out, come n go whenever bringing whoever,stole my money,belongings&gave me sleeping pills to waking up to nobody there& my basement cleaned right out.. I kept myself awake for 3 months after she died not even really noticing the zombie I became..i finally slept wokeup sober& I’ll never.forget the unbearable pain I felt that night I tried killing myself,I noticed I had a missed call 6:04 am,my call log had “momma bear” as last call..so called it back it was only static than click..called it again got her voice-mail..one more time to hear her sweet voice .. I tried another time n it said this number ur tryinto reach has been disconnected..my mother was telling me it will be OK,&I needed to be therefor my oakybear,
I unfortunately lost my home.
FF- things were still being robbed,only me payingrent&bills also me only going toschool/working..i eventually smoked myself sober, I saw my life&environment from a whole different perspective more clear and I wasn’t proud of.myself&broken I put my baby through it, I wanted to start fresh.i was packing when my ex walked in from detox&asked if I wanted him to take oaklynn for the night,sure it would let me pack quicker..as he n my daughter walked away down the alley in her red wagon he says ” idk when or if we will ever see u again”… I hit rock bottom once again for 9 months she was a ghost just gone couldn’t find him couldn’t get help from cops , legal aid to find her.. so shortly after her disappearing from my life this dustin guy comes into my life and has caused me to be the person iam todayI went to detox came out to my home looking like a trap house, everything I had was sentimental to me from my mother&my brother my cousin set me up&everything I ever owned was destroyed&stolen from me my room n babies rooms weren’t even recognizable.. dustin refused to let me go to womans shelter so I quickly moved in with him and quickly started dating.
I won’t go into so much details cause I hate re-telling it only wanting to forget it but know I never will
…. I fell head over heels for this guy, I know back than I think he loved me too
FastForward 2 years life went from going to bed with affection&feeling loved, waking up the next morning with disgust and hate not able to stand looking at me would call me down every name in the book didn’t like how I washed dishes etc etc… broken up and kicking me out every single weekend to getting me to come back that went on for years.. 2019 got pregnant things went from bad to 1000% worse, I wasn’t even noticeable to him the moment I told him I was pregnant (that’s what he wanted)
He never spoke a word to me, he wouldn’t look my way acknowledge me, spoke bad about me embarrassed me called me lazy useless disgusting kept me isolated from what family I had, I couldn’t even look at My ex when he came to the door to drop My baby off, I’ve been accused for cheating sneaking round lying being a whore untrustworthy the whole relationship, I walked on eggshells I stopped being silly&playful I was afraid to speak my mind, I walked around looking at the ground, I was isolated into a room alone for a little over 2 years.. alone I wasn’t allowed to get ready he jeopardized my schooling (I looked forward to waking up being able to go to school) he never looked at me with a smile , he would never speak a word to me I tried speaking to him but nothing in return the moment I or him got home he would look at me with so much evil n wanting to kill me in 2019 when this Jordana b**** started coming around than stuck around everyday she was there and when I asked I got told she was his driver… blablabla he spent my pregnancy with her… again there’s so much details so much abuse and ruthless shit he did to me but I’m just gonna ff to when I gave birth.. he didn’t even drive me his friend did. My baby had a tumor needed surgery right after birth so stayed in nicu for a month, I stayed to, not once did he visit not once did he ask but her or me, not once wanted me to come home (I know why) he wasn’t even there with a car seat when released stayed few extra nights they were afraid of us leavin seein how depressed I was I went from always smiling fun
outgoing,to never smiling,scared to be in my backyard,anywhere in public.around people,I hate people there all fake,I feel judgedalways,never cared what others thought of me no shame,I’m not confident I don’t even know how to play with my babies no-one I have no joy in anything, my 2 year old is stuck to the TV all the time,its only me n her,never take her for walks,the park because of what I’ve become&it breaks my heart I’m always so irritateable&angry I take it out on her when I should be patience &loving protecting guiding her&teaching her talking&interacting with her showing her the world I know my faults but haven’t been able to get myself back to that parent/person I miss being.my brother was my pride,my joy,I looked up to him growing up hes been in&out of jail since 12was broken his whole life felt unloved&unwanted,he was the most caring respectful bighearted guy I’ve known I was the only one who didn’t give up on him except for the last 3 years before his shocking death that supposedly was suicide.I kno he didn’t shoot himself in the head he was my bestfriend!dustin kept me from him.When in the hospital he messaged me i let him come visit.he had the biggest smile so did I. fed him,offered him my hostile.he held my baby&fed her.That was the first time in 3 years I got to see him&Last..I would of held him longer if I knew..he was afraid of some guys he told me.His life was finally looking up so I can’t get over it,he’s not dumb enough to shoot himself on a angle that’s taking his face off he would of OD on fentanyl.the positioning of the gun was like someone was holding it for him from behind.it was daylight on Halloween on outskirts of the city at the Ball diamonds..what I don’t get is how did he walk all that way with shotgun as intimidating as he looks without anybody calling the cops and why was he found without his jewelry or anything on him…. anywho after his funeral dustin attacked me almost killin me grabbed my babyaggressively from me n threw her on the bed b4 choking&slamming My head continuously off the floor telling me hes gonna kill me like my brother, let’s fast-forwardagain we just.moved i didn’t even unpack myshit didn’t feel like having to pack again, I finally got the answer I’ve been needing to give me the strength to get the f out of that relationship I seen messages between him&(“the driver”) even with proof he kept trying to deny for months after..
After mobile crisis took me I found out that every suspicion n thoughts I ever asked him n everyone about was 100% true..
The hardest is that he still won’t own up to any of it
He got her pregnant with twins that month of me in the hospital with his daughter he was having her live there, she came to the hospital when I was there to get her abortion.. that morning she cried to me telling me not to tell “dustin” …
WTF**K.
losing my bro took everything of me with him I can’t find my happiness even tho I know it’s right here with me. My babygirl echo she kept me alive during my darkest times&the reason why I keep fighting to survive even tho she deserves a better mother one who has friends/withkids,family who watches&listens I see the damage I caused to her so why knowing how heartbreaking it makes me to see why am I unable to do something to change it, I barely talk anymore my imagination&creativity is fried I struggle to communicate bout anything I stutter I used to sing I no longer do I was a kid at heart but she’s lost she barely eats she’s so fussy she shows me unconditional love&I don’t deserve it, she deserves it,she’s very clingy I can’t even turn my back away from her w.o the waterworks lol it is frustrating sometimes cause I jus wanna breathe so I get mad but why why get mad when I’m so broken with the lost time we already have had so wanna find a solution to make up for it before it’s to late&she’s 13 skipping class,wanting nothing to do with me&having learning disabilities&addictions,mental health issues &it would all be my fault,the way I am, would be the cause for all the damage she has when grown up…
It doesn’t help that I continue to see her dad here&there when or if he wants to treat me good now I’m pregnant again by him however don’t wanna give up time with echo that she deserves to raise another one on my own only to cause more mental issues within myself I’m so retarded I wish I could just forget about dustin I haven’t slept around but he accuses me to be doing otherwise I wish I could be the whore that he thinks of me as but I’m not in gr 9 anymore I can’t sleep with anyone unless I feel attracted& a connection with someone.
After my dad passed away just a few months ago I feel even more worthless and like my life is falling apart. I can’t stop thinking that nothing will be the same, that every moment that it’s supposed to be happy will feel empty.
I feel like few people will miss me one day and no one will even notice o feel if I am gone. I tend to hide or hold my tears because I feel my feelings are a burden and sometimes I am too much and cry all the time. I can’t stop thinking of the day I feel happy again and my pain decreases. I have no real friends and am scared I will end alone.
Way before my dad passes away I struggled with myselfesteem and now even more. I feel such a looser that i am not even capable of losing weight.
These days my only comfort is writing because is silent and nobody notices it ,i tried to hide when i cry cause i don’t want anyone to feel bad for me .
I am 20.
You will be fine…once you realize that you don’t need anyone to feel anything you will know everything
I am so sorry to hear of your father’s passing. I lost my father suddenly when I was 21. It had forever changed me and my family. I can’t tell you it gets easier or that the pain goes away because I don’t want to lie to you. I am 40 years old and that day still brings tears to my eyes and knots on my stomach. I recently lost my mother after losing my children’s father. I feel consumed with grief lately. I, too have low self esteem and want to lose weight so I understand how you feel.
Even though I am grieving and sad I want to tell you about my 3 beautiful children. They are amazing. I’m so glad I pushed through the grief of my father and lived to make these amazing human beings. They are the light in my life. I find my joy in them and I believe someday you could find joy too. Life is tough and now I’m trying to hold myself together so I can help my young children grieve the loss of their father and amazing grandmother. Don’t isolate yourself, set small tasks and be proud of yourself for accomplishing them, find someone to talk to, keep writing. Your printed thoughts could help people someday. Who knows maybe start a blog or write a book. The only thing that limits us, is our minds. “I think therefore I am” idk who said that but they were right. I hope you find peace someday until then keep loving yourself you deserve it. We all do.
Does it get better at all, im 21 and im fucking scared to keep going on. I got no one to really open up to except the internet but fuck the internet tbh. Cant even open up to my family cuz they always think im lying and my friends idk if theyre friends to me but i talk to them cuz those are the only ones who give time for me but ik its just out of sympathy. I thought making money would fill this void but all it did was make me a rich pathetic person who has nothing for him. Wont use my real name
I’ve read the comments that people have left on here and I know I’m in the same boat if not in a worse position I literally have no friends. I don’t even have any family for the past 25 years I have had no one and am totally alone I’ve nothing to live for don’t even have the guts to end it all I just exist don’t have any confidence or social skills can’t even talk to people don’t know how to
I’m in the same boat. No family, at least I had kids but other that them I wouldn’t have anyone to speak to and that’s not always a good thing. No friends to speak of. I’m constantly trying but no one seems interested in becoming friends anymore. I’m not sure what to do. It’s been like this for years. The worse thing is if I didn’t look for posts like this I would think everyone in the world has everything and everyone they ever wanted except me before that’s what I see. I want things to change.
You are fine, it is the people who need fixing
You sound young, hang in there, smile at people, tell someone at the store a funny joke. Then just smile some more. Relax, stay in public places and soon someone will see you and you will see them. Also pray every day for God to help you and others.
How old are you? I’m 62, and in the same boat. I have no family or friends who want to know the real me, how I feel, or what I need. I have freely given of myself to them, listened to all their problems, and gently offered support. My daughter and husband don’t know how to deal with my depression, so they get angry and sometimes even hateful. They both live in another state, by the way, with my 3 grandchildren who were my daughter took them so many miles away. I get extremely lonely for just to have a family who wants to be with me. But when I go to see them I often end up feeling more dejected than ever. I would love to have a support system, but who wants to adopt an old woman who nobody else seems to want.
My position is so similar to some things I read here.
I don’t really have any friends, just people I have known for a long time who put up with me as I’ve always been around.
I cannot open up to people and we all go in different directions.
The pandemic has helped me but in a negative way, I didn’t have to go out and see people.
Now I’m scared to go out of the house, I exercise indoors and avoid interaction with others, you cannot be hurt if you cannot be spoken to or found
I call myself Nix too and I could have written this, my friends have all just known me since college, and the pandemic has allowed me to hide away partly as I am scared with underlying health issues but partly because it is easier to stay home.
I also exercise indoors
I have 2 friends. I limit my time with them because I feel like the longer I stay, the more I will say, and then I will feel shame for having brought something unpleasant into the room. Friend #1 protects herself from any talk about feelings, especially depression, by refusing to allow “that kind of talk” in her presence. As if it were beneath her. She was raised in a different culture than mine and says her mother would have hit her in the head (literally) if she’d ever said she felt depressed. But she is obsessed with appearances. I guess we all have some kind of glitch in our programming, right? Friend #2 is always willing to listen but it becomes almost a contest of who has the worst depression. As if we are one-upping each other only we are one-downing each other. Which has fallen to the lowest depth? Still, I like to be with Friend #2 more because we understand each other and no topic is off limits. Depression Buddies. It’s good to have both perspectives, I guess. And after years of having zero friends, I’m so grateful I have 2 friends now.
Just want to say I hear what you are saying , have the same issue with #1 friend , and don’t have that #2 friend . Yes that you have 2 real friends is amazing I think even my friends have either betrayed me multiple times ( true) or are sick of me being depressed ( true) I’m not just alone right now –
No life, no friends describes me. My depression, self-loathing, and tendency to isolate causes so much pain in my life. I need to connect with others struggling with these issues.
I have had the worst time in my life after my husband died! I have 2 emotionally abusive sons who are greedy and are definitely NARCS! My sons are abusive and have been for years! I am totally alone everyday of my life! I have a sweet neighborhood friend that I talk to on email! My family is toxic and abusive so I have no family since losing my husband 3 yrs and 5 mos ago. I was left with 4 pets and lots of pet bills because one of them got cancer in Sept of 2019 less than a year after moving to Maryland and he died March of this year on my birthday! I just want to die! I hate living and do not trust many people because of how I have been treated! I cry everyday and in complicated grief! I was devastated losing my dog on my birthday! I recently got swindled by a lowlife asswipe who was sent here by my home warranty co and he made my plumbing problem worse and caused more flooding because he did not care and cashed the check I gave him immediately before I could stop payment! I hate that sob and now I have to get a lawyer to help get my money back and the warranty co is doing nothing to help me! I hate this life and hate lowlife thieves!
I can relate, especially about the pets. I raised my daughter alone for the past 18 years and last year she went away to school during COVID-19. Ever since she left I can’t get it together. I cry all day. I have absolutely zero friends, no family, my daughter doesn’t call me. She didn’t even come home for holiday breaks and this summer she didn’t come home once. I feel angry, used…alone and of course depressed. Only reason I get out of bed is because of my dog Oliver. Thank God for him. I hope things get better for us all. It’s a bad place to be.
Hi… im the same, I feel your pain, I have zero friends.. my dog is my bestie & hes 14 now… my worst fear is losing him ☹
I cant have kids.. im depressed.. I dont speak much, im constantly shy & have no self esteem, I dont know whats up with me, I never used to be this worthless & boring 🙁
You sound like me, I left an abusive relationship with a NARC and now I feel like I cant do it, he took my self esteem, socialization, independency, etc
Away from me and left me out on the street, but I had to buy me an RV in which I live in with my 2 dogs, I do t k ow what I would do without them…I dont know where to start over, I’m afraid to go out and get a job, I have no friends, just people who use me, which I have learned to hate people, which hate is an ugly word…I’m so lonely, sad depressed, I sometimes I wish I wasnt here, my son lives here but never visits, calls, lots like he hates me. I’m sorry to put it all out there but I ran into this and it made me realize that I. Not the only one out here in this world who feels the same as I do.
I truly hear you. I am in a similar situation. My question is this: Does it really help us to write out our pain so others can read and relate? Don’t get me wrongs. I think websites that provide this opportunity are great. But when I close my laptop I’m exactly where I was before I read and typed these posts. Isn’t there any way in this world where people like us can actually help each other? Where does one go to find people willing to be with them when they have no experience doing so. The kind of people we need to be with are people who know what it’s like to live this way. We need to be with people like us, but that’s not available to me. It’s made available to young people in college, and to people who are able to have jobs. But who advocates for older people? Who tries to help us get together with people like us? Well, in rural Louisiana NOBODY does. I hope you all find hope and help real soon! <3
We live in the same frame of mind. Getting desperate. Intellectually, I know all the answers. Emotionally, I am paralyzed. Sending you sincere and similar thoughts…
Hi,we sound the same, id what happened to me. I am a people person. I cut hair all my live had 5 kids, some things happened. Estranged adult children can’t see grandkids but don’t really want to when it comes down to it. It seems to stupid. I just got heavy, my hair started falling out I just can’t do anything to look right. Therefore I only have black big cloth. I want to change and get cloth that fits n looks ok but I have muscular dystrophy. I can’t walk good no balance, so double problems. And I know there are a lot of people way worse. I need people going through things to talk. Maybe have a good friendship with someone. Or just talk and have the other person vent and try and help each other.. in need!
Hello, it breaks myheart, but all is not lost, at least you still have the want to have a friend that is a huge beginning, I am in kinda the same position I have no family , my daughter is a drug addict , very abusive, and I live alone with 7 dogs, they are my lie I have a neck and lumbar fusion from a auto accident 55 years old, and walking is very painful, but i still try , just not far, lately I’ve realized the people harassing me, are doing so because my daughter is lying about me , I was shocked, and hurt, but she is such a bad alcoholic I should of realized it was her long ago, I’m to the point that I don’t trust anyone either, except my sweet little dogs they have become everything to me, I worship them They love me no matter what I look , how poor I am they appreciate love and affection, they do bring great joy to people. But I miss having a friend, after I got injured , what few friends I had disappeared, completely, I think you sound like an interesting friend to have, I dont think all hope is lost for you, Just you having the need for a true friend , is great hope that you will find one, Hope I can be a friend Amanda
Me too! I need to talk! I really hate this, I don’t do anything I don’t even get myself to fix up anymore. I don’t go out. I sit on the couch or fix things in home that needs to be done. I would love to talk and maybe help! Because I really need to talk.! I have no one! Sometimes can’t get out of bed.
It’s a terrible thing. I don’t know what to do.
I wish they had more things we can do. It’s hard when you can’t even get ready dressed! To go out! But to meet with others would be great.
I’ve been going to something called meetups. You can Google it. They are everywhere but I have to drive at least 45 minutes to one because of where I live way outside a city. I have done things and met a few people but nothing that seems real or any lasting connections. Hopefully it will change, I’m sure most of it’s just me having been so isolated for so long. I really want to make real friends.
No life, no friends describes me too, they are just not around, i hate it i am worthy of a friend but they just aren’t there, isolation is my norm, somebody anybody out there.??
Yep i hate my life can’t move dnt want to get dressed argue with step d .. Push what family i had away can’t move on out stuck don’t even want to gt out of bed pff fml im 53 wtf used to be ok it started in march have nt done a thing ??? To put the bins out is even an issue
Hear you
Yep out there. Same as most by the sounds of it 49 and divorced 2 children friends married and you never think it would happen to you.
Grab a night out and life it like it’s your last when the opportunity ever arises which is a rare thing. It sucks
I’m the same way. I have no friends because I’m socially awkward and I don’t really know much of anything and learning anything is really hard. I’ve tried many different social circles but I get intimidated because I don’t know much of what they are talking about and not good at getting jokes. People can tell I’m odd. I’m really a depressed person and I’ve tried everything to be happy I just don’t have the energy anymore it’s pointless. 😥
Looking for same,going through similar problems.
I feel the same way about my life right now. It’s affecting all aspects of my life. I’m at a standstill and don’t know what to do to change. I’ve never felt accepted especially as a teen to adulthood. I just felt people never found me interesting enough to be friends with but then again I probably had a hand in that by being isolated and shy. I still carry that with me around others, it’s hard for me to start conversations and I feel really alone in life because I am completely friendless. I only really have my 2 children in life to care for which helps with the loneliness but I still struggle when it comes to meeting ppl. And it’s worse now with the covid/ delta variant because social distancing is all I want to do so that my children and I can avoid it. Which makes me feel even more isolated and lonely.
You sound like me lol hi anyway
I’m really isolated and lonely as well so much I spend everyday laying in bed and trying to get sleep. But I can’t sleep well because I have demonic dreams and hallucinations that wake me up and try to prevent me from going to sleep. I just wish I can love and recieve love. And find Joy. But I’ve just lost interest in everything and just given up. 😕
I am definitely with you on all counts. I hate my life. No friends, no family, no motivation, no spouse, no children, no house. I ask myself everyday….. what does it matter…really. I’m not living, I’m existing.
I have the EXACT same issues as you. I can never see myself getting well and have to learn to accept.that this is my life no matter how bad it sucks. Wish I could look forward to ppssible happiness but after several years like this – I give up.
The only people who can understand the place we all seem to be is each other.
When your parents are old when they have you and pass when your 25 and there is no other family, children or other and for years you put others ahead of you for everything, try asking any one of those people to just be a friend.
I’m in OC, I’m 55 but have much to share.
Yes. What you say in this post accurately describes exactly what I have been going through for years. I see the depression-related problems in my life, and the solutions to them, both rationally and wisely. I could pontificate about them, write a tome, start a podcast or series of YouTube videos…all from a distance. In other words, I can do a good job as long as my intellect is in gear. But when my emotions are revved up at the same time it all falls apart. It all FLIES apart.
Like you, I have checked myself before, during, and after every time I talk to someone else about depression. As the Biblical writing-on-the-wall describes it: I have been weighed in the balances and found wanting. The urge to talk about it is so strong I find myself scouring my contact lists for someone who might be willing to listen. I want to talk to someone who will sit and listen closely; I don’t want them to be afraid of what I might be thinking. I don’t want them to wonder if they should be calling 9-1-1. I am eager to confirm that I am not suicidal. And after that prelude of reassuring them…it is already too late. Now, both us are feeling guarded. Anything I say will have to be couched in the most innocuous of terms and whitewashed.
Not only that, but any such attempt leaves me feeling they are one more contact I can mark off the list. I tell myself they will probably block my calls from that point on, anyway. And damn it, I don’t even talk about the worst of how depression affects me. To protect myself and the person I talk “openly” to, I usually put the whole subject months or years in the past. As in, “One time 20 yrs ago I remember when I was feeling like blah, blah, blah.” So I get my story out there. And then they say, “Aren’t you glad that was 20 years ago?” Ah, we are all safe here in the present. Good deal. Are your children going to be home for the holidays this year? Did your wife find a respectable nursing home for her mother? And how is that job going you were telling me about last fall? As fast and as far as they can place both us from the scene-of-the-crime (depression) the more comfortable they look. And the more lonely and isolated I feel.
And no, talking to a therapist is no good if they are your only listeners. And the therapists who set a timer and stop you mid-sentence when your 45 minutes is up — that messes me up. How deeply I wish for just one or two family members or friends who would listen, keep a confidence, and be willing to hear me without judgement and even without understanding. Just listen. Be my sponge for once. It never happens. I have a couple of people who HAVE listened, but after that, the relationship is permanently altered and becomes less than it was before. Or is it just me. It is just me feeling guilty and ashamed for being weak.
Yet, this is the only world I have. I can’t inhabit another body, another mind, nor would I want to. Each day become a delicate balance between risking turning someone off by saying too much, or risking deeper depression by closing myself off and saying nothing. I can’t find an in-between place to sit.
Donna,
I am new to this platform and was reading through- I am sure you feel your circumstances suck and there isn’t a relative there that will listen now; but you have found a space to exercise your voice and you write amazing- sharing a range of personal emotions with experience. Please continue. I am not sure if it helped or not but your words are are there touching countless people who have never reached out before… like me. Thank you
How very special to read your comment, J. I have been a reader of Storied Mind for years…since it started, I guess. Just during the pandemic I remembered the name of the website and am reading through the posts when I need them. Yes, when I don’t have people to talk to face to face, it is comforting and a relief to write here where there is a chance I will be listened to and understood.
Your not weak just broken.
I stumbled on this post while doing a depression google search and found it very interesting. But upon reading the post and many of the comments I can’t help to feel even more depressed and in dispair.
I understand that depression and sadness can come to anyone, in any circustance of life, and I don’t mean to judge anyone on their feelings. We all have our reason to feel the way we do, and all of them are valid and real to us.
When reading the comments, I identify two main groups of people. There are many comments from young persons (teenagers and 20 year olds) that are going through a tough time. While I don’t intend to demean their struggles at all, it is very likely that these people will be fine. Some may have a tugher time than others, but at least for youger people, time, possibilities and options are on their side.
The second group of people are older persons that have gone through a traumatic even in their life, like child abuse, domestic violence, a nasty divorce, an accident, financial struggles, etc. I can understand why these people are going through a difficult time or are dealing with depression, but at the same time I can’t really relate to them, because it’s not my case. I know this will sound horrible, and I don’t mean to offend anyone, but sometimes I wish I had such a traumatic event in my life that would help me justify, understand or cope with my depression, but its not the case…my current situation is entirely the result of my own doing.
I can honestly say that I haven’t had any ‘external’ serious problem in my life, ever. I come from a loving family with my parents still alive and well, and my brothers and sister also doing well. I had a very happy childhood. I would say it was the only period in my life that I was really happy. Personally, I was always a more of an introverted and shy guy, but this was offset by the relationship with my brothers, who would provide me the needed ‘push’ for me to be more outgoing and social. Because of this my childhood was very active, happy and full of friends.
In my teenage years is where things started to slowly go downhill for me. Of course I can only say this now in hindsight, back then it didn’t felt that way, I was a normal, if a bit introverted teenager. But I can definetly say that it was back then when I started to become more aisolated and dettached from people. Nobody pushed me away, quite the contrary, I was well liked, included and invited to parties, sport events, get toguethers, etc. But I would often reject these invitation because I would be anxious or nervous about something silly. And eventually the invitations stop coming. I would still do enough social events so not to be a complete pariah, but I definetly started to become accustumed to be alone.
Same story with family. I have a very large extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and they would often celebrate family events. I was always invited and welcomed, but again, I would not participate in most meetings.
This is how over the years I became a complete loner. I was aware of this and for the most part I was ok with it. There was always a voice in the back of my head that would tell me I should be more social, go out more, engage more with people, specially if I wanted to eventually find a wife and have a family (which I did want, at least eventually, at some point, in the future…). But on the other hand, I was always fine by myself, not just fine, I thrive by being alone. I got to graduate and do a masters degree, have a good carreer, did well financially, lived abroad. So even though I understood (or though I understood) that it was quite possible I would end up alone, I was confident that I was going to be ok, because I was confortable being alone.
That all changed for me very recently, about a month ago in fact. I am now 37 years old and for the first time in my life I feel really sad and depressed. It’s a very new feeling for me and I am very confused, don’t know how to deal with it. It is also strange that I can actually recall the exact moment I started to feel this way, and that nothing in particular triggered it. I was working in my computer (work from home due to covid) and suddenly I stopped, look around my appartment and though “is this it? is this the rest of my life?”. My entire world just crumbled in a few seconds, but nothing had really change from what it was a minute before. I felt like the weight of the years just landed on my shoulders. I felt truly alone.
Since then I’ve been experiencing general sadness, with moments of profound dispair. Sometimes I just tear up and start crying (I haven’t cried since I was 12 yo!), everything that used to interest me (programing, computers, movie, books, languages) now bores me and I resent the time I spent on those things and the time I neglected bonding with people. Nothing interests me, everything feels meaningless, pointless. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling just sad and have trouble getting back to sleep. I find myself thinking a lot about the past and the mistakes I made, but this comes with the depressing realization that there is no going back and re-doing things.
I am almost 40 yo now, and I feel that my life has not even started, that it was completely wasted, and that its to late to start now. That’s why I can’t relate to much with people that have had very serious problems, but at the same time had very fullfiling events, people and moments in their lives. You may be going through a bad divorce, but maybe you had some good years of marriage too, maybe you also have kids that love you or gave you some happy moments. What if you had none of that? What if you didn’t have the nasty divorce, but also didn’t have the kids? What if you didn’t have the pain of a loved one that left you, or passed away, but you also didn’t have all the loving moments and good times? Would that be better?
I feel like my life just went by, without problems, yes, but also without joy, without fullfilment. I feel completely empty. And there is no one to blame but myself. And when I read some of the stories in the comments I feel like I don’t even have the right to complain, but that only makes me feel worst.
I can completely relate. I am 39 and never married, with a similar story. Things will get better for you. Keep the faith.
Hi FC,
I can relate – although my story is not the same. I’m married and have kids, but I can tell you, without close connections in your life these things will not fill you up. Then you have guilt because your depression is making it hard to ‘be’ there for those who need you. I’m in a low point myself atm, but one thing I’ve learnt is that the low points don’t last forever, although my circumstances haven’t changed so my low points can come back as soon as I focus on the triggers – (seeing other’s social happy snaps on social media, seeing groups of people laughing and having fun) – I am extremely isolated due to where I live rather than due to work, and it does affect me. My only advice would be to start small and achievable – join a group that addresses social skills, volunteer, start a new hobby – just do one thing differently than you’re doing right now that involves other people, at a level you’re comfortable with. Start small, and let the momentum build. Marriage and kids (and even friends) won’t ever completely fill the void inside, but not having social connection will certainly exacerbate it.
FC, your story is almost exactly the same as mine….except I didn’t get that sad and depressed feeling until 50. I wish it had hit me at 40, as I wouldn’t have burned through another decade without taking action. The self-blame, regret and shame has been very difficult to endure.
I am starting to take steps to try and fix myself…physically, mentally and hopefully spiritually. If I can try, so can you.
I would trade places with you in a heartbeat to get my 40’s back for a do-over.
You have time to fix yourself, find a partner and have a family if you want to. Don’t squander it or you will be where I am. Get up and live.
❤️
OP here (FC): Thanks for the kind words! Hope the best for you too! It’s never to late I suppose, for you and me, so lets hand in there 🙂
I started seeing a therapist and while my life hasn’t really change much, and I still feel the same way I did when I wrote that comment, I do think it is starting to help me in at least understanding why and how I ended up in this situation.
I think that some of our ‘traumas’ or problematic behaviour and personalities don’t necessarially are the product of very extreme or traumatic experiences, but rather the result of small actions and situations that over time can became greater problems in our life. For the longest time I avoided getting help because I never consider myself having a traumatic childhood or problematic life in general. But this was a mistake on my side I guess.
I started to understand a bit more about my behaviour by looking at my past. Like how dependant I was of my sieblings when I was a little kid, specially my older brother. I preety much depended on him entirely to interact with the ‘outside world’. This dependency and attachment, slowly and gradually grew into a feeling of inadequacy and fear, a feeling that I could not deal with the world alone by myself. And eventually this became shame, when as an older kid/early teen I started to feel emabarrased about being so dependant. As I tried to be more independant I found out I struggle a lot, and started to became more isolated and distant. I avoided showing anything about me, my feelings, my likes, dislikes, etc. because I though anything I showed about me could be used against me to embarras or shame me in one way or another.
I don’t know if this realization will lead to any sort of improvement in my life yet, but it does help a bit to see things more clearly (instead of thinking ‘I just can’t connect with people’).
Rgds,
Wow, I cannot believe I actually read something that provoked me enough to respond.… Although my first time responding may be brief, At least it is a first step in reaching out. It really hit home for me when you mentioned the word “joy.” I think the only joy I have ever felt in my life came from raising my children. Which I did on my own. Same dad.… Same deadbeat dad I should say… My children are only 11 months apart and are now 20 and 21 years old. My son is a senior now at a UC college in California. He is studying to be a mechanical engineer. Obviously, he is my scholar, my daughter is my athlete. MVP for softball all through high school, made it all the way to state in wrestling, and was athlete of the year her senior year in high school. and perhaps I am bragging, but let’s just say I make a beautiful baby! Know that my children are absolutely beautiful inside and out! Well, I guess I am sharing a little more than I even thought I could. The bottom line for me is, all of my joy came from other people. Which is not a bad thing, considering those other people are not only my own children, but I can honestly say both of them are also my best… And possibly only… Friends. However, now that they are older and starting their own lives, where does that leave me??? Why, alone of course! Because I never took the time to experience anything new or try new hobbies to see if there’s actually anything that might peak my interest and bring me a little (self-inflicted) “joy”. People say one idea that may help you work things out or get things in perspective for you when you were depressed, is to write them down. I am now realizing that it’s like I have a whole entire life‘s worth of half that runs through my head or depressing thoughts and there are so many that I can’t even focus enough to be able to take them out in any way that makes sense. I guess the reason why I really wanted to respond to your comment was to let you know that you should never ever ever feel like you have to apologize In advance for something that you might say because you don’t feel that you are “worthy” Of having feelings of depression simply because you have not experienced anything traumatic. Our feelings are our feelings. And if it helps you to get it out by writing here, where ever here is? To be honest, I don’t even know how I came across this post…Like seriously, no clue at all! I was not doing a Google search on depression. It just for some reason opened up to this exact area, so I figured there was a reason for it and maybe I should do some reading. God, I seriously doubt if I am seeing even makes any sense at all!!!! I guess it is apparent how long it has been since I’ve had any meaningful conversation with anyone! Ugh I don’t even think I know what the heck I am trying to say! Just lonely I guess.
Ended up here b/c in every part of life, I am just cursed.
Was with my ex-husband for 11 years, moved 2,000 miles away, from Detroit to Vegas. I supported us, he went behind my back to find women to sleep with.
We knew each other for 15+ years. You’d think after 11 years you would know someone. I started to get the, “I never said that,” and “You’re imagining things,” then he PW-protected everything. 3 Female friends from his past, 1 of whom contacted me, back in MI he tried to get together with. The 3rd one agreed.
He moved her out to Vegas behind my back, telling everyone I was on drugs and cheating on him, neither was true. He emptied our joint bank account to a negative amount, all my money was gone. I sold everything I owned to move back to MI, divorce his ass, and help my Dad take care of my Mom, who later died of a rare Auto-Immune disease.
FF-started dating a man I’ve known now for 24 years, we’ve been dating for over 10 and a half years. During this, I became Disabled. So I’m home most of the time.
Where we lived prior, a neighbor decided I have dyed red hair, so I “Look mean,” and she sent strangers after me, and the SO. Then she started sending the Police over. I’m Disabled, I’m also 80% Deaf from an Auto-Immune disease (same my Mom had). This crazy woman LIED all over social media, started a Facebook group to get more people after me, gave out my home address, and recorded us in our private yard WITH sound, totally illegal in MI.
The Police helped her. The City helped her. Facebook helped her. I couldn’t leave my home. I really didn’t anyway, except to help mow or edge or garden. She posted videos of me online, I had no idea until I got Death Threats. She said myself and SO were gardening naked, she just missed it each time. What?
So I couldn’t go outside anymore. The Police were over sometimes twice a day. We had security cameras, many times when she called them on us, we weren’t even home. Theory holds they’d stop coming, no they didn’t. They refused to write even a single report about her or what she was doing. They even informed me I couldn’t get a Protective Order on her unless they wrote a report, and they “didn’t feel like writing a report.”
I got Death Threats from 40 people or more. I had to uninstall Messenger. Facebook repeatedly said, “she’s doing nothing wrong.” The head of Police told me, “Stop using Facebook, she’ll forget who you are.” Also, What? I don’t know her from FB, she lives next door.
The cops came by and wanted mine and/or my SO’s phone number. Why? You’re at my door and need my phone number? Why do you need this? I saw later she’d posted she was going to send them over just to get our phone numbers so she could post them publicly for all to contact us! These idiots cops just did what she said. Luckily, at the time, I couldn’t remember either # so they didn’t get them.
The last straw, a cop came by and MADE my SO wake me up. I have Narcolepsy too. I take Xyrem. I can’t be woken. This idiot cop told my SO that we had to tear down one of those plastic fences that attaches to the metal fence. The neighbor DIDN’T LIKE IT! This had been there for 20+ years, another neighbor said the former Chief of Police had put it up. Just unbelievable.
We were planning on moving, we did. She posted all over FB she MADE us move. She directed people again to our home to tell us “Good Bye!” and block the moving truck. Yep.
Even after we moved, I was getting messages. Uninstalling Messenger, I can still see them waiting for me on FB. Then she found my YouTube account. I’ve had to stop using that too. She publicly posted that, said I made videos about her, but of course had removed them. My videos were all 60+ year old trademark free videos, nothing about her! So I got messages on there too. She did an “Undercover Investigation” on me, funny thing is, she didn’t know my name and had to ask neighbors. My name on FB is not my name. And from her “investigation”, she had gathered enough “evidence” and could now SUE me. For what? I have no clue. Looking mean, I suppose.
And her 7-time Felon bf, yes he was just released, started a past time of stealing all of the neighbors packages. They didn’t want the light shed on them, so she told a neighbor she SAW me stealing her packages! And they could BOTH go to the police, make a report, and she’d tell them she saw me on some random porch, stealing packages. The neighbor rightfully refused. How funny after we moved, those packages are still being stolen.
The kicker?
I have NEVER spoken to this woman, ever, not a single word. My SO has also never spoken to her. She made all of this up. And people were dumb enough to believe her. Thanks Facebook.
I spent all of my money saved up to move. Farm country. An hour away.
Now my SO has decided, among other things, the following:
-I MADE him move;
-He has spent 10+ year being scared of me;
-I have a Personality Disorder (I do, it’s Borderline, but he came up with a new one);
-Because of ME he has no hobbies (how odd that I actually did have and do have my own hobbies);
-That he has to stop playing WoW b/c of me (tho we never, ever talk about him playing that game and I used to also play);
-I’m controlling him and his life.
It goes on and on. So I’ve now bankrupted myself on a house, all the furnishings, furniture, outdoor areas, the entire down payment, half the moving costs, and all else going into the future.
I guess my future is I’m just a mean person with a new Personality Disorder that controls people. Yep.
I’ve become so Depressed, I suffer from Major Depression anyway, but like who the hell can I trust? Idiot men I’ve been with for a decade each I can’t trust. Neighbors randomly try to kill me. I had a male neighbor in 2010 come over and pull a handgun on me, saying I, “broke up his marriage.” Also a stranger! It’s all too much.
I volunteer with animal groups, I’ve helped rescue pets after Hurricanes, had my own cat rescue. Yes, it’s not the same as having Close Friends. I love my 100 year old farmhouse. But now I feel like I’ve been wasting all my energies fixing it up. Truth be told, if I don’t work on the house, and outdoors about every day, I’m in the house with the former SO. It’s just a nightmare. And Depressed, again, yes beyond. I’ve been psych. institutionalised twice, they do not help you there either. So difficult.
Congratulations on having a life partner, I’ve been divorced for years and my or my son don’t care he’s 15, and I life does suck, I live to work and work to live, it’s easier to just do and exist and go through the motion and not cause drama in my or others, having no close friends like I did in my past, I have no one to talk to, I was lonely and miserable before covid and will be after, I have no real life other than work, drinking and smoking, nothing really brings me any joy, a bad day of work is still better than being alone, me as I say about me I’m too weird and creepy to even get a first date, but depression is a long road for us, I understand what your going through, even my other family members don’t really about me or to even check on me, so with depression this long and deep, I feel for you, I do wish you luck, although you if you can afford it you could look into getting some help, good luck
Interesting that there are so many comments to this post during The Year of the Pandemic. It is easy to feel there is no life, no friends, not even any place to go. Two thirds of our faces are covered by a mask when we DO go out. We look at people in fear — did they cough just now? Did he have the vaccinations? Didn’t her mother die of COVID last March? It easily comes down to “us versus them.”
John, I love the examples you give in this post. I am in agreement with all of them. I think our society is one that shuns any discussion of mental pain. Even with a couple of close friends I can casually mention that I have felt really depressed that week, or that my family relationships are fraught with drama that affects me deeply…and sudden silence. The next thing one of them says is likely to be, “I just wanted to know if you’d seen any good movies lately!” My dearest friend and I consider ourselves poets and we often encourage each other to spend more time writing poetry. So I took the chance/opportunity to share a few of my poems with her. I got back the reply, “These are very disturbing.” Ha! She started the reply with that, then told me if I had been watching the news on TV to stop because it obviously wasn’t good for me. She gave me a “positive thinking” mini-lecture and ended her reply as it had begun, with one word, “Disturbing!”
Okay. So much for that. It must sound like I am ultra-sensitive to criticism and rejection, but no, not really. I encourage other people to speak up and speak out and be honest in what they say. However, it does continue to surprise me when a conversation is shut down or poetry is rejected because good honest emotion is put into words. After all, look at Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath or Wallace Stevens or the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.
So I vow to be a good listener even if what I listen to does disturb me.
I’m there!
I dont have any local friends to talk to about my troubles. I have an online friend overseas and my husband and mother but I worry about possibly being aĺl alone here in the future. Would love to talk to someone in Virginia or Florida especially who believes in unlimited healthspan through upcoming technology. Looking for platonic friendship.
Hi my name is Patricia. I live alone in Florida and have only one relative my sister and one friend near me, but I can’t talk to her too much about being lonely. I wouldn’t mind befriending you and we could talk about our feelings. You can leave me a message on my email to start off with if you want. Its patriciamcb8 [at] gmail [dot] com. Hope to hear from you.
Why can’t I ever be loved by anyone my heart is huge I’m not to bad looking I’m lonely 😢
still figuring this out myself it takes the right time and people i give so much to others and get nothing in return but having a good mindset helps a lot just focus on yourself this is your life if people arent willing to be apart of that its there loss.
First I would like to share that I have read many posts over the last five years but only now have I braved an attempt at sharing my feelings.
I don’t think I am alone when I say being affected by depression doesn’t allow one to live a full-life but rather only exist. The seasons that I have dealt with my own depression have been part of my life for the past 30 years. Considering my episodes last a minimum of one year and as long as 3 years before I feel a sense of temporary relief, I have struggled with employment, relationships and finances.
The fact that I have a 20 yr old son who is the light of my life is the single reason I endure with this maddening life. I often regret my condition and the impact it has undoubtedly had on his life. I wish he could have experienced me like I was before depression entangled me.
My biggest hangup is the ruminations. Dwelling on relationships or vocational opportunities that I couldn’t salvage because of my depression. I so desperately want to forgive myself for being a manic-depressive because I’m unable to change what has happened in my life while suffering from depression. I wait for a relief from my current episode to once again come up for air and enjoy a day, week and possibly a few months where I am not consumed by melancholy.
I will end my rambling here and thank the creator of this site/blog for a safe meeting place to read others stories.
My prayers are with All of you who visit this site to seek insight from others who share in my affliction.
God bless you and keep you. May your mind be renewed by the Holy Spirit so that we may enjoy life again.
Thank you for sharing Michael. I feel this pain to.
I have been feeling so depressed lately. The last couple of friends I had seemed to have ghosted me with with no explanation. The last one, my ex daughter-in-law. My significant other of 30 years is here but does not seem to be interested in hearing me so I just keep quiet. He’s good at pointing out when I get moody or sad and just stays away. He even says “I’m just laying low until you are over it.” WE are recently retired and the hobby I stated 14 years ago I keep doing to keep busy and it is the only joy I have. However this year seems different as I am not getting the joy I used to. My other half does great things and built a beautiful bard for my sheep and lambs and takes great care of the little things that need doing, however I always feel indebted. My 2 sons have disconnected and I only speak to 3 of my 7 grandchildren. They are great by they are busy with school and activities. I am contemplating selling all my sheep but don’t know what I would do and also my other half would probably feel like I didn’t appreciate what he did for me. I do occasionally think I just want to end it all because there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am lonely and lost.
My daughter is a beautiful 17 year old girl who has very few friends and the ones that she did have are rapidly stopping their communication with her. On top of that, she was in a 3 year relationship with a boy who became part of our family. They were friends and he betrayed her trust and broke her heart. And now with COVID she is more isolated than ever. It is killing me. I’ve always felt that I didn’t really have any friends and COVID has confirmed this. I know that my lack of positivity isn’t helping much because I know how it feels to be alone. I feel that it’s my fault that she is suffering. I feel guilty that maybe it’s because people don’t like me that people seemingly don’t like her. I just don’t understand it. For such a positive happy girl…she has no one. Now I see her that light in her dimming in her.. Every day, I think that if I could just not wake up she would eventually be better off. My husband is a wonderful man and great father. Without me around, they could finally be free of my darkness. I’m so tired of fighting to live, I just want to everyone a favor and just disappear.
I was so relieved to find your site. I am scared for my husband. He has been unemployed for over 10 years, and although he is at home with our kids, I am his only social outlet. Lately he has been saying he doesn’t understand why he is here and that his life is purposeless. He has been trying to reach out to a few old friends, but they don’t seem to want to talk to him for very long. It is draining on our marriage, as I am the breadwinner, the mom, the wife, and the sounding board. It pains me to hear him say how lonely and alone he feels. I feel helpless because I try to suggest that he volunteers or he tries to meet other dog owners in the neighborhood, but people in our area don’t seem to friendly, and tend to keep to themselves. Does anyone have any suggestions? He refuses to seek out professional help. Thanks.
Every morning just feels grey and foggy. I wake up with a taste of bitterness in my mouth. Confused about how I got here. My dreams are indistinguishable from my life, which is full of anxiety and unreal. My dreams are filled with people I used to know who are not in my life anymore, whom I miss very much. My life outside is completely alienating, and when I try to fight life back by enjoying myself through reading, writing, playing instruments, or painting. I actually just find myself in the center!
Life is just so pointless and in my confusion, I deal with anger that I take out on myself. I’m tired of the pain that I feel when anxiety and fear strike me. My muscles ache, my stomach hurts, and my head hurts in spinning perpetually in this deep fantasy. On top of that, I look in the mirror and nothing feels like me or that my body feels like it’s not mine.
I just feel so lost, confused, estranged, and in pain physically and mentally. I just want to enjoy what I have left and die. I don’t care about being alone when no one wants to be around to hear my thoughts when confusion and anger strike me. I stopped wanting to be around for this reason. I just become invisible and withdraw so far, that when I reach out for a hand. People are afraid. I just want to finish and die happily on my terms, hopefully soon.
I can’t help but constantly feel the need to disappear.. I’m constantly trying my best to live but I have no control of my thoughts anymore.. I’ve tried talking to my friends a couple of times.. They listen, but I feel like they believe once they’ve said something to calm me down, that’s it.. Every time.
They used to send invites and I would not even attempt to attend..i constantly tried to make myself busy and not come forward with my depression but even when I did eventually, they still did for a short while only to just stop in the end..
It was really hard to cope with that, Esp after I confronted them about it, and they said, “We just knew you’d say no, so we didn’t want to make you feel pressured every time.”… Honestly, I didn’t say a word about it since then..
They still don’t ask me anymore; I just see pictures of them hanging out and our mutual friends sometimes would see them and call or text me and ask me, are you not with them?
My heart breaks
I talk to my parents (divorced when I was 6)..my dad is already not alright but he tries to cheer me up.. My mom is depressed after losing her mom to Liver cancer, her brother and sister to covid in December 2020.. I try to keep it together for her..she lost her job as well this month.. I’ve been working 12 hours /5days a week just to pay bills but I just quit last week as it was taking a toll on me..
At this point, I’m not sure how long I can survive everything going on around me..I’m an only child.. I’m yet to see a psychologist..but I don’t think that’s going to help me.. I don’t think I have any options left.. I’m tired.. Mentally, emotionally.. I’ve cried to sleep so many times, my sleep pattern is just so bad, Alcohol doesn’t even knock me out.
So much has been going on with my life since I was a toddler.. I can’t get into it here unfortunately.. I’d need 20 notebooks if not more..
Sometimes I don’t believe I’ll still be alive by the end of this year..it’s hard keeping up the facade of being strong and happy.
I’m not sure what kind of help I’m looking for here but I appreciate anyone that reads this.. I really do..
Please hang in there. Life know matter how tough it gets is worth seeing and living through. You are a gift to this world as the world is a gift to you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you can at this stage of your life and that’s enough. You are enough. Take care. M.
Besides the cancer and not having a life partner, but adding obesity this is my exact story. I wish there were concrete answers. I often worry that my children inherit this and suffer in some way like it. When my mind goes there it’s to much to bare. Thanks for articulating my (your) feelings and emotions so clearly.
I feel like everyone tries to just avoid me. Like all my friendships i had before i became severely depressed were happy and we could laugh and now they all feel so forced, like people would rather just not talk to me at all. Even my parents do this. Depression is by far the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with. It really ruined me lmao.
Sending virtual hugs
I guess there are a great # of us that feel lonely and friendless.. I wish we can all meet up for a cup of coffee and just have a really good conversation.
This is best comment I’ve read! Happy holidays to you…..
That sounds good we all need a boost in life to lift our spirit up let cheers 🥂 for 2021 with new beginning
Love this!
I still have no friends.I just feel sometimes like the world made me like this.After reading this I know people might laugh at me but I can blame them.I am horrifying person . Thank you for trying anyways to help me. Goodbye
Hey now, you are not what you say you are. This doesn’t define you as a person. You are lovable! It’s situational and not a character flaw. People have a hard time facing anything that’s uncomfortable and infringes on their perceived happiness. Please be kind to yourself. Get a pet if you can walk every day and change one word that is negative to a positive. Once you get good at that ad more words. Even if you don’t believe it do it anyway. Let’s say a thought comes up:” I am so worthless” do this:” acknoleage it’s and say to yourself: “ oh here I am thinking I am worthless agin”- then change it and say: “ actually I am really good at listening…
I suffer terribly as well, it’s a daily effort to be kind to oneself. Head up and Remember one step at a time. .
What if you are NOT a horrifying person.
Sounds and FEELS (enpath here) like YOU are person who HAS BEEN HORRIFIED by the things you saw and experienced as you were growing and perhaps you are just more sensitive to your environment than the ones who hurt you. And it is THAT sensitivity, that makes you beautiful, but those without knowing that quality in their own hearts are frightened by it because they don’t know what it is sometimes and it irks them. Other times they get uncomfortable, maybe afraid to be in a space with you bc while you are able to hold so much emotion for so long, its normal and u don’t know how it is NOT to be. But others don’t have any idea what it feels like to be born into this state of mind and even when treated, it is a functional existence where u go thru motions to keep up with the race and fit in, but never have any space or energy to think about deliberately creating your LIFE, reaching goals. etc. How could you? No time. We spend all our energy just trying not to drown. All your life.
We learn quickly not to express our anger, depression anxiety or fear but if they can’t come out….they stay IN and damage the body mind and spirit making us sick which adds another burden. Tell a medical professional?
Perhaps, but know when you do , that you understand that you SHOULD be reasonably sure that they will figure out what’s wrong and be able to make it better if not heal you. But, you might kick off a malpractice marathon that you have to endure and even when u explain exactly what you need or give them info to care and control your symptoms until they know more, so they throw another pill at you ( and it doesn’t matter which one — as long as they give u SOMETHING, even when they know it won’t help and might harm, they can call it healthCARE that they delivered but I don’t see caring at all, and I refuse to use that word bc health has zero to do with the goals of too many practioners who STILL don’t understand this EPIDEMIC of severe intractable depression and suicide, another epidemic. But 2 epidemics as the pandemic is happening too? Health CARE? Where? Not here. So who do we turn to when the world gets dark?
That is an answer that shatters a soul.
Because when we ask….The response is SILENCE. And it is deafening. So we stop asking and act like its fine, which fucks people up because that is NOT connection when someone stifles you from expression or worse, let’s you know you’d better not express the pain u r in,, or if u complain, limit what u say because IT IS SELFISH OF YOU TO BURDEN THEM WITH YOUR PROBLEM BC YOU COULD FIX IT AND CHANGE, but you are lazy, selfish etc. All that from people we like, love or trust professionally. Still think its YOU, Love?
No. You are a beautiful person, who saw horrible people do horrible things. If you isolate….You and your body, mind and soul are confirming that you don’t feel safe. Not because you were traumatized or over reacting or too sensitive or paranoid….you isolate because you ARE in danger of further injury to your already bruised and beaten psyche that nobody helped you to heal from, even when u asked, over and over and over….
I pray this finds you, Love. I felt your pain bc I have lived there all my life.
Stop joining “them” with that ridiculous story they programmed you to carry out in their absence. I see your light. Shine it on those shit stains who try to or did harm you. They may be running from that inner light that you can’t see because it is you and of you. Love and hope will find you but u must let them in. Do that by being compassionate with yourself. it feels weird at first, but it helps u to move forward. Praying for you sweetpea.
❤️❤️❤️
Amazing 💕🙏 Thank you for taking the time to write such an incredible post. Inspirational