Lately, I’ve come across a number of questions online by plainly anguished people, asking: Why do I have no friends, no life? The first time I saw one this blunt, I reacted almost defensively, laughing as I recalled an old film in which a man hires a private detective to find out why he has no friends. Isn’t it obvious? But I knew so well how much the question implied. Lonely and depressed, I had often asked that same question, or at least felt the need to ask it.
I wrote an earlier post about the difference I experience between loneliness and depression. Loneliness is a sadness at the loss of close relationships. It drives me to reach out to people. Depression pushes me away from them. When I feel these two at the same time – as I can if the depression is not too severe – the tension of these opposing forces makes it all the harder to find the help I need.
Thinking back over many years of living with depression, I can quickly find many reasons why I had such trouble finding a friend to talk to when I most needed one. (I’ll set aside the much worse problem of not talking to my wife. I’ve said a lot about the reasons behind that, especially in this post.) Here are some of the problems from my experience. I can’t say how true they might be for others.
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Sometimes it wasn’t I who had an issue with reaching out but friends who had trouble opening themselves to listen. Many people refuse to talk about depression or other serious illnesses. I first found that out when I had cancer. It was stunning to me that a few people I had known quite well simply disappeared from my life. Though I never heard any explanation from them, my wife and I believed they couldn’t face the risk of emotional involvement and possible loss.
Depression adds another dimension. Many may feel helpless in the face of a friend’s pain and despairing mood. When I reached out for support, some friends were sympathetic but at a loss as to what they could do to help. And, of course, some friends are not in the habit of probing their own emotional lives and run from the idea of listening to someone else trying to go deeply into feelings. That’s a language they haven’t learned and never want to know.
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One habit of my own depressed thinking was to assume that everyone I met had the same negative and contemptuous view of me that I did of myself. I projected my own shame into their minds and then retreated before the dislike I was sure they felt. It’s so strange to imagine that this could have been such a common occurrence, but it was. I stopped myself from reaching out because I “knew” these friends wanted to have nothing to do with me.
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Then there was the isolating drive of depression, the belief that I was in too much pain to face anyone – too lost in despair to move. I believed I could survive only by cutting myself off from everyone, yet that only intensified the feeling of having nowhere to turn. I ruled out the possibility that anyone could break through the wall I’d put up around me. The result was that I went more deeply into despair. Eventually, the crisis passed, but it wasn’t the isolation that had helped me survive. That only increased the likelihood that I might push myself over the edge.
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When feeling more numb than despairing, I could often get out and talk to people, even at social gatherings. But I became very nervous at what I might say. It wasn’t uncommon for me to make an attempt at getting to know someone or to get into a personal issue with a friend. But the words I found myself speaking were not at all what I intended. They had an edge to them, putting a jab into each pleasantry, souring a compliment with a sarcastic tone, or pouring out so much so fast that I sounded impossibly egocentric and uninterested in anyone but myself. I acted like someone I would never want to know. Of course, people could tell at once that I had “issues” and walked the other way.
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So often, I had to mix with people when I wanted only to hide. I made it hard for anyone to find me, no matter how many people might be in the room or how prominent my role was supposed to be. Emotionally, I lost connection with what was happening and just watched it go by. I felt so small and tried to be invisible. If anyone asked me a question, I’d become tongue-tied, or, if I tried to say much, the words and thoughts came with painful slowness. It was impossible for anyone to talk to me.
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At other times, anxiety and fear could hold me back from talking freely. Taking part in conversation was hard because I had to double-think everything I wanted to say. There was a danger in the simple spontaneity of conversation among friends – a danger for me of any uncontrolled talking. I had to reflect to get the words just so, and then would miss the right moment as talk flowed on to something different. It’s hard to imagine now, but talking freely felt risky, as if an inner violence might escape my control.
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Apart from all this, there was the natural reaction anyone might have at suddenly hearing from me when I was in need of someone to talk to. Wrapped up in myself and in depression, as I was, my reaching out was an attempt to meet my own need in a one-sided way. Not only that, but my friends would not find me at all even if they wanted to listen and offer support. I wasn’t the same person because I was driven by the strange, isolating rules of depression. Even if I didn’t want to be hidden, I was nowhere to be found.
All this added up to a comprehensive strategy for remaining friendless. And that’s what it was – a series of my own actions to keep me isolated from the help that friends might offer and pull me out of the life I’d had with them. This hit me one day when I was the one who was asked to listen to a friend in the midst of a terrible depression.
I met him at a restaurant for lunch one day, and I could tell at once that he had changed in a way that made him hard to recognize. Of course, he looked and sounded the same, but there was nothing in his words or reactions that was like my friend. He was lost, partly in rage, partly in despair.
When I tried to tell him the deep sympathy I felt for what he was going through, that only made him angry. More than that, I felt a deep rage boiling inside him as his eyes stared through me with steel intensity.
It was especially hard to see him this way since I knew I was looking at myself.
What has your experience been in trying to reach out to friends when deeply troubled?
Image: Some Rights Reserved by Ashley_Rose at Flickr
Rose says
How I found freedom from Depression;
I don’t believe memories ever die.
They affect our life, Good or Bad.
I believe the bad memories need to be delt with because sooner or later they creep in…
Can I share part of my Testimony?
Starting as a young child, I’ve had may problems and suffered a very hurtful past.
Depression and the feeling of a heavy Dark Cloud were my companions…
When I became an adult, I cried almost daily. I also tried talking to the People I was hurt by-
it only caused more pain.
I also tried severing the relationships for almost a year.
The depression was so severe I almost succeeded in taking my own life.
God had other plans though…
I sought help from Counselors, Doctor’s, and Medication. Nothing seemed to help much, and I found the meds made me feel like a zombie, I couldn’t even cry.
We began to go to a new Church. One day after Church,
I went up to two Ladies who were praying for people. I told them about the Depression, and they laid hands on me and prayed…
While they were praying, I JUST NEW! I JUST KNEW that the Lord healed me!
I had no proof, in fact I told my Husband and my best Friend that I believed that I was healed, and they didn’t believe me.
They also told me NOT to go off my meds. That is when I heard a Scripture come into my heart and mind; “Walk by faith, not by sight.”
I know my Husband was worried, since the Doctor has tried other times to wean me off my meds, and I would crash. My Doctor told me NOT to off the meds. in fact, he said he wanted to Raise my dosage, because Christmas was coming.
I said “No. I believe God healed me!” I knew the Lord was my Great Physician.
I prayed, and our Church had a Revival that whole week.
I went to Church and soaked in the Scriptures. They were like Medicine to my soul! It was as if the Preacher was talking about my life…(I had a feeling everyone around me was thinking the same thought!)
I began to go off the meds, and this time, I didn’t crash!
Scriptures began to come to me, to stand firm on. One of them was;
“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.”
Mark 11:24
I believed I was healed, but I still had no proof.
Now I was going to Revival at Church, and spending a lot of time remembering things from the past, and crying…
One day while home alone, I walked into the Bathroom, not even turning on the light. I just stood there. And I wondered about everything, and my heart felt very heavy. All of a sudden, I felt an enormous pain in my stomach.
It felt like there were Huge Heavy Boulders in my stomach, and that they were churning… I started crying out loud, I mean crying so hard, like a woman giving birth!
I moaned and cried out to God something like; “Oh God, what’s wrong with me! Please help me!”
Then I began to see (in my mind’s eye) my life. It seemed to flash backwards. It stopped each time I remembered someone hurting me, or offending me. The pain seemed so unbearable!
I cried many tears, and the memories they just kept coming.
I cried out to God again. Something like;
“Lord, why are you making me remember and go through this?”
And I suddenly knew that whenever anything had happened to me in my past, that the Lord had been right there with me. I wasn’t alone when it happened. This thought brought me so much comfort and peace, I felt as if someone put a soft warm blanket around my shoulders. Yet the memories kept coming too. And the pain and the tears.
“Lord Help me!!!” I cried out, again and again.
Part of a Scripture also seemed to fall on my shoulders;
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Suddenly, truth hit me! For all these years, I never forgave anyone for ever hurting me! In fact, I would take the memory of it with me to breakfast, and throughout my day, each day I’d replay pieces in my mind. A Heavy Load to carry!
Some of the people who had hurt me, now were not even alive.
More memories came. I must have cried a river of tears!
Then I cried out to God; “Please help me forgive these people who have hurt me!” And suddenly, I felt this enormous weight, lift off of my shoulders, and then I sensed the Lord’s Peace! Now I can remember the past, and it no longer hurts to remember. I believe a prisoner was set free…ME!
A few days later, the LORD showed me some other issues I had to deal with…Later that week I was urged by my husband and friend to go up to the alter for prayer.
I didn’t really even want to go; but I went up anyway. Then I was a little irritated,
as the Preacher seemed to pray for everyone else for such a long time, and with me all he said was “Sister, the LORD can take away your depression!” Then he walked away.
I stood at the alter, with my hands folded in front of me.
My eyes were closed. Then suddenly I found myself (silently)
crying out to God, as I quickly threw my hands up to Heaven
saying, “Oh God please take it! (Meaning the Deppression)
Take it before it kills me!” Then all of a sudden it was as if a thick Black Tornado which seemed to start at the bottom of my feet,
flew up and came out of the top of my head! My eyes were still closed, yet I was looking up at the top of the church, where I could see many clouds., I next saw the clouds part, revealing the most Beautiful Bright Sunny Sky I have ever seen! It seemed as if the sun’s incredible brightness not only shinned down on me, it seemed as if it actually filled me up on the inside, and shinned through me, and I felt God’s love that was so bright and so warm that I cannot even explain it!!!!!!!
I heard a small voice say to my heart something like this:
“You gave me all the fear, hate, anger and jealousy, that you kept inside , now I give you my peace and my love.”
I didn’t know til later one day in reading the Bible, that the Scriptures actually say this;
“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.” Mark 11:24-26
I have been completely off meds. since the revival (November 1995)
I’m cured of depression, and I thank God for the love and peace that fills my heart! Now I know that wherever I go, God is always with me, and His glory is always shinning above!
I pray that others can find freedom from the past, through walking with Jesus, and obeying God’s Word!
Lee says
I am going threw the same thing mental,depression,physical illnesses,financial I feel there is no way out.
Anonymous says
This time of year is so depressing when you have no family or close friends. I hear so many people complaining about the holidays from everything to having to cook or having a relative over who they don’t like.
I would be honored and appreciative to be asked to someones home for Thanksgiving. People need to be thankful for having people in their life cause their lots of us who don’t… 🙁
Cindy says
I feel exactly the same way. I live alone with my little family of rescued animals. I’m sitting here alone watching all of my neighbors preparing for family get togethers and it suddenly hit me that I’m not sure how long it would take for someone to notice if something happened to me! If I’m outside, I talk to my neighbors but I’m not a part of their lives. I’m not even sure if they notice when I walk my dogs. If I were to have an accident in my home, I’m afraid no one would even check on me.
Anonymous says
Its horrible to feel that way. I fought it for years and no matter how hard I tried I’m just one of those people that fell through the cracks. Your rescued animal family makes me smile. No matter what they love you unconditionally.. and their always happy to see you… Davis
Cindy says
My rescue family always gives me a reason to smile. I am a parrot specialist and have 3 beautiful, silly birds that I adore. Most recently, I adopted a 10 yr old Wheaton Terrier and a 2 yr old Pug. I feed feral cats and nursed 2 abandoned infants who now think I’m momma cat. I’ve found that people have always let me down but animals are unconditional love…well, except parrots. With birds, you must earn their trust and respect. If it weren’t for my little family, I wouldn’t be here today.
Betty says
Hey fellow animal rescue.It seems animals keep me going as well. I think people can learn more from them.Maybe humanity will become more human again.My next step for me is to apply for volunteerism with local animal sanctuary.I hope this will come through for me. I presently stay on small farm but my buddies and wife have no more use for me any more.Time for me to move again as I am fortunate to move my motorhome.I don’t get the impression moving would be viable? Moving doesn’t solve but could open other doors.what are your thoughts?
Rose says
Here is what I have found to be a blessing.
Give yourself away! When I go shopping I try to be helpful to those around me. Hold the door for someone. Give an honest compliment. Ask how a Someones Day is going. At my Doctor appointments- I usually bring a Book to read. I started just some small talk with the Receptionist. Eventually I began to bring her a book each time I saw her.
Even in the Elevator I can pray for Someone.
Or I would hear about someone who is sick or going home from the Hospital. A heartfelt prayer on a little Card- and a little Gift Bag- a new Coffee Mug, a little Devotion Book, some Candy or Cocoa.
One day I was feeling very lonely- I found some Stationary and just wrote little Thinking of you Cards to People I knew. It brought me great joy to brighten up someones day! It truly is more blessed to give than it is to receive!
Before you know it, a Friendship Can Spark Anywhere!
Proverbs 18:24
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
(I hope you are encouraged, and have a good night!)
Anonymous says
🙏❤️❤️❤️
William says
Isn’t that the truth!
Zanifelia says
Wow. Thankyou for this. This put all my crazy emotions and feelings into such an organised writing.
This explains everything. I feel like I understand myself now.
Becky says
Every single word written here describes me %100 o am so freaked out about it. Even that you had a motorhome and for the last two days i have been looking for one. I am so happy to know that i am not crazy i am sensitive and its everything written her its what i am. Bless you Bless you and pray for me and i will start because i have been threw a tornado when i was young that blew my house away not in the manner of it starting ar your feet and blew it out from your head.
Karen says
I am always sad, I hate my life, I have done so many things in my past that I deeply regret, I just want to turn back time and change the course of my life! They say Suicide is a Permanent solution to a temporary problem, this is true, but I’m Permanently tormented by temporary problems. I have 2 Failed marriages, no friends, a minimum wage job that I hate, I don’t want to do the job anymore, I’m stuck at home (flexi furloughed) I have so many jobs to do around the house, but I have no motivation at all. I suffer with S.A.D which is making me so depressed and I have no prospects or purpose in life. This I feel is Permanent, and I think about Suicide as a solution to all my problems, I can go to my Paradise and live eternally happy, being loved by A man of my dreams, who cares and loves me like I long for so much! I am only ever happy when I’m sleeping, as I feel nothing!!
Anonymous says
🤦♀️
Carlyle says
I definitely understand you .. I really do.. I’ve contemplated the same thing over and over again, even though I push myself every day telling myself things will get better but nothing really does..
I wish we could sit down and talk about all this and I could give you my support the best that I can..and all hope that’s left in me.
If you’re still there, sending you hugs❤️
Anonymous says
Every week is worse than the one before, and that has been the case for years. I have always been utterly alone and with each year that goes by I lose more, and my life is emptier and more hopeless. No matter what I do I have no close friends and matter to no one- and I am constantly surrounded by people who love and are loved, who have friends and partners and support systems that I will never experience. Everyone I have ever cared about has thrown me away for someone better; my friends forget me for people they prefer no matter how important the relationship was to me. I will never be good enough and I have nothing to look forward to. My life is empty, I have no prospects, my living situation is uncertain, and my future is a dreadful lonely void where I can expect nothing but continually watching people walk away to live happy lives without me while I am left with nothing. I am cheerful and easy to get along with in-person, but no matter how cheerful or attentive or vulnerable or self-reliant I have ever tried to be, I don’t matter. I have tried to make new friends, but opportunities are slim to none, especially due to the pandemic, and it’s impossible to make actual connections at one-time or superficial events anyway. I have hobbies but it feels like there’s no point to anything when you can’t share it with anyone at all. I don’t know how to keep living like this knowing every year just brings me more pain and searing, unbearable isolation. My life feels like a horrible joke.
Brandy says
I feel exactly the same way! I could never find the words to explain my feelings and you took them right from my mind. I am here to talk too! I could use a friend and it sounds like you amungst others could as well. We should all create a chat and talk to each other….because I think we have more to offer than we think and maybe we could meet a like minded person we can connect with. Hang in there friend I know its hard. I too am in a terrible situation thats only gone downhill. No family but one sister and my nephew. I have my ex i live with but doesnt love me. My mom is dead and all of my closest family and I have no friends. I work and my depression makes it so I dont want to work. All I want to do is sleep and even then its hard to sleep when my mind and thoughts dont shut up! Im struggling and I am very alone. My birthday is on the 4th and im going to be 33 and miserable. Never married cuz nobody has ever truly loved me, just used me and lied and cheated while I gave them everything. I have had friends that had affairs with my partners. I have been through so much and I cant help but cry. Now on top of all this im alone for the holidays and now I am financially broke with 4$ to my name until I get paid and I cant even get a coffee. I am just lost….so idk maybe we can all help each other a bit since we understand what we are going through.
Jacky says
My story exact. I am a good friend to people, but somehow it translates to me always getting the short stick and never having long lasting closeness. I always wonder then how other people keep friends when there are not even close to being so devoted and helpful and caring. I honestly think sometimes it has to do with me oozing with insecurities and the fact that I come across as desperate, not having boundaries or things I am proud of to share. I think about suicide a lot.
Sunset Rose says
I’m the excatly the same I’m a victim of sexual assult a I’m a person of childhood sexual abuse I’ve been peer pressured into using heavy drugs then trafficked serious DV survivor my family left me with it my man is in jail And tbh he is self absorbed and just wants all the attention 24/7 I walk around alone no-one wants to be my friend as I’m not popular or because of my mental health I’m deemed as damaged goods, I’ve never done wrong by anyone and I’m a very loving caring person, my man has alot of control over me e.g spy’s on me and is in every aspect of my life ( only wants to know if I’m seeing anyone else) which I have never cheated and put my life down on it, I don’t have anyone check up on me not a hello not a word I could be dead for months in my apartment before anyone notices I had alot of jealous woman when I was younger because I was very attractive untill I was abused ECT I’m now 36 overweight suffer from mental illnesses and want to die everytime I wake up I don’t want to wake up I hate my life and I was dealt with a bad hand at birth, I don’t trust system as it failed me ( it creates this for entertainment) and I’ve been trying to get myself out of the pits but it isn’t working, I have 0 days of feeling happy or feeling any emotions I can’t wait till it’s over I’m 36 yr old female and I hate it here.
Anonymous says
I feel the same way. Everyday. I was with my ex for ten years and it was a horrible relationship I kept because I didnt want to end up like this. We’ve been over for two years now. I was already struggling with this horrible empty feeling when my best friend of 13 years decided that she just was going to drop me for no reason at all. And my family doesn’t listen to a word I say and its almost like I’m not even there. I’ve been feeling this hopeless sadness for years but lately after my friend drop me and now I’m left completely alone. I think I’ve gone so far into empty that I’m actually calm. Like an empty calm. I dont even have thoughts most of the day. I know the empty calm is more dangerous then the depression. Because I no longer even care to escape it. I think I’ve just accepted my fate of being alone forever.
Anonymous says
I spend day upon day wondering why no one wants to know me. Seems unless l am doing a job or a favour for someone, all is good, after that l don’t hear from them again. Have often asked people, what is wrong with me, have l upset you. Same answer as always no you are fine, yet l have no friends. No one calls me, or texts me, or even writes to me. I look a okay, am clean living, polite, and helpful, l make conversation too, yet it gets me no where. Not really sure why l am writing this here, probably a waste of time as usual. Thanks for reading, will be glad when my life ends l really will.
Angie says
I’m so sorry to read that you feel that way about yourself. It’s how I feel about me too though. I’m empty and can’t fake my way anymore, drained. Want to rest. I wish the both us could wake up from a good nights sleep in a different universe, one where we live out lives and feel accepted, loved, and have so much to look forward to doing.
Anonymous says
I have same problem place add me to both of you
Betty says
Me too!I wonder if society has influenced us to the point that a couple society is normal and any thing else makes us question why we don’t fit into this pattern.
Karen says
I feel the same as you. You are not alone in your torment. I am lonely, my kids have all grown up and have lives of their own. I’m recently divorced from a Narcissistic man. We can chat, if you want?
Anonymous says
Feel same exact way
Jacky says
Add me, feeling same as all of you.
Mizi says
I have no one to reach out to no one likes me even my son can’t stand me so
05 says
I deal with the exact same problem.
I’m not a bad person, I’ve always put others before myself, I’ve gone out of my way for others countless times, I’ve been polite, hardworking, etc., etc. And yet, I’ve never had anyone I could count on in my times of need; I’ve never had anyone who’d care for me, who’d remember that I exist, who’d talk to me just for fun, who’d willingly offer to spend time with me and not only when they need my help. Being always the one to reach out was too tiresome – and after I stopped trying, “friends” simply disappeared from my life without a second thought. Like it was the very moment they’ve been waiting for.
I’m not a very social person, but I’m so tired of being alone all the time. Living only for myself is pointless. Why even need anything if it’s only for yourself to experience? Happiness becomes worthless when there’s no one there to share it with. Sadness becomes endless torment when there’s no one there to help you ease the pain. How can one not hate himself when life looks like that?
I already know my existence is going to be a lonely one – I just hope it is a short one too.
Anonymous says
You are not alone. I feel your pain. Keep going, throw caution to the wind, nothing to loose right, when you already feel at rock bottom. Do something out of your comfort zone, I think that’s where I am at to, I feel like just doing things different, and see where that takes me, cause life as it is for me isn’t fulfilled. Also I think I will go to Church and invite Jesus into my life. Before I do what I want to do, which is too permanent. I am alone, a friend to all but no friends.
Anonymous says
Help me I am lonely
Emma says
Here I am standing alone in a huge shopping mall, feeling like stranded in an island. I stumbled past this post and can feel the utter disappointment of realizing I have no friends. I’m weird and withdrawn, and I feel like I will die alone someday,unknown to anyone,and my corpse will just be a nice lunch for vultures scooping up from the sky. How pathetic. Even God seems to have forsaken me.
Lucy says
God has not forsaken you. He’s instructed me to tell you, you are a worthy person and deserving of love. Prayers and hugs to you. Praying you find peace within and support and love from those surrounding you.
Anonymous says
Reading your words is so sad and familiar to me. I don’t have any family and was brought up between many foster homes and orphanages. Your comment about passing away so breaks my heart for you. Its bad enough having had those same thoughts about myself but it hurts as bad knowing you hurt the same way.
Alexandria
Angie says
No, God will not forsake you! If anything, you are even more special to Him. You are obviously strong! I believe this of us who have been down so low can make terrific friends for others because we appreciate good, loving contact since we know the despair of loneliness. I pray you will find acceptance and love, especially on your own heart, and are able to realize the gifts you have. Weird? I’ve been called weird loads of times, and once a coworker said it’s a compliment because I’m ME. Weird is good. It’s not boring, it’s not the usual, and for many of us, it’s our cup of tea. Be yourself and know you DO belong. Realize your strength and don’t worry about what (insecure) persons may think that you’re not a carbon copy of them! There’s a HUGE world of people out here and you will never be alone. I bet for everyone who feels alone (me included), there are people out there who fit. Don’t give up, Emma! ❤️
Anonymous says
I’m lonely and socially isolated as well I’m 35 will be 36 less than 2 months not even close to getting married. What a joke not even a prospect at that. I’m lonely this thanksgiving not even an invitation from what contacts I have. I guess I’m not the only one in this hellish situation of isolation.
Zander says
Same here, dear internet stranger. Just turned 39. :S
Sue says
I guess no one wants to talk to me here either 😞
Carla says
It’s not that no one wants to talk to you. Myself i am both lonely and at times depressed. I went from being an active mother to non active mother . The day my little boy passed was the day being active as a mother shifted for me . From 18 to 49 living that way having 3 children to now only two . It’s been 3 years and people are changing because of society and natural human effection is becoming less. People are afraid of meeting or trying to carry a friendship thinking they may be protecting themselves and they may be . However , there are ones of us who still live by our morality and our hearts guided by a higher power or griping onto family values. It’s not that “no one ” wants to talk to you . It’s maybe that your being protected and the right person who could be solid has not come into their time for you . I’m here reaching out unknowing if anyone will actually read this but faith and hope I believe and believe in . God bless
Sue says
Thanks so much…I am 42 now…when, when when will that right person / friend / partner – whoever – appear? I have been waiting all my life…all I get is this rubbish 😔 I have thought about that myself – what you said – that this is the universe’s way of protecting me – chucking out those who are not good for me…but god it’s a lonely sad existence. It’s like I am a leper 😞
Anonymous says
Please don’t wait for that person. Get some loving pets and do things that make you happy. I am 62 and never found the right person. Never really worried about it because I had lots of goals. After dating hoards and hoards of frogs, I have given up dating. It was all disappointing and after 42 years of it I finally threw in the towel. The motto is “never rely on anyone”
Anonymous says
Best advice never rely on anyone never trust anyone I was recently very badly treated and dumped by a friend I thought I was very close to she told me she loved me she was so thankful we met then no explanation but came to my house and told me she was ending the friendship I hadn’t done anything wrong she said but she didn’t wasn’t to be friends anymore I was/am heartbroken I will never trust another person for the rest of my life people will Always let you down!
Anonymous says
Thank you for your post. Much has gone on in my life for me to feel lonely and depressed. Included my son passing two years ago. No family, nor friends. I’m trying to live with faith and hope. Believing.
CC says
I am so sorry for you and can’t imagine your pain. People just run the other way when you’re going through something. My son is autistic, so I feel as though I’ve lost a child too. I was rejected by my family, so I carry that around with me and sabotage myself wherever I go. I don’t know how to stop it. I pray things get better for you and that you find a friend who understands.
Sue says
I am sorry to anyone I bore. And I say this genuinely. I had no childhood. My father is bipolar and had various episodes and affairs – at age 6/7 I had to drag him off my mum while he was strangling her – he said he was giving her a massage. Mum & I moved away and started living separately but my mum kept dragging me to see him so there would be a connection. Let me state I love both dearly. It’s just a shame. Mum’s anger knew no bounds – every day she’d come home and hit me – she’d find some reason. Luckily my grandma lived with us and she was the ointment. She told me ‘pls do not take it to heart your mother needs to take it out on someone’. So I thought to myself ‘ok I will be her punching bag – this is service to my mum’. I did not realise the scars it would leave. She was never happy with me…she would drag me to family gatherings and because they would try to gang up and bully me I would try to hide in some corner – she would scold me for being ‘anti-social’ – I told her what was happening but again I was the problem. Too many stories to delve into. I kept myself company – told myself one day I would have my own loving family. Fast forward to 2013 – I met my ex husband and I felt he rescued me. He gave me that love, that understanding – that kindness I had craved for. We got married in 2016 – 3 months later it all fell apart. He succumbed to a mid life or work stress or god knows what – took it out on me & I was forced to leave the house in 2017. He and his family and friends had by then all ganged up on me – I felt cornered but my mum sat overseas and did not once come down to help me. Over the years the rest of the family had distanced themselves from me – so I could not ask them either. I had no one – I felt so alone. I stood by mum throughout her battle with my dad – and here she was in mid crisis, my hour of need – she’d do lip service over the phone – that too when I rang. And I was the ever dutiful daughter who rang everyday. My anxiety and depression was diagnosed and it was horrible – the psychologist said in front of my mum ‘how is she still standing’. Yet for 4 months in 2017 she blocked me – she did not speak to me – why? Cos I had shown her my rage – I had dared to vomit the poison out. My best mate tried to talk to her – she refused. She did not even ask after me in those 4 months. It was punishment you see. When she raged on for 19 years I tolerated that and loved her and felt for her agony. But she could not tolerate a couple of enraged whatsapp messages. My ex husband also never spoke to me after I left the house. A year later I applied for divorce and it was granted in a blink – my dream gone – lots of couples bicker but to be kicked out like this – like the marriage never mattered – and then be forgotten like this? Is this how important I am? Is this how useless I am? Since 2017 many friends – have only 1 left now and he does not even ask me how I am – left me one by one. Including my ‘best’ mate who I viewed as my brother. Oh and they just did not walk away – they flung choice words and walked away. Even at work I was bullied and treated appallingly – multiple workplaces – so there is something very wrong with me – nobody wants me – I am a thorn in everyone’s flesh. I have tried many counsellors and one even fell asleep – I am tired – I cannot keep meeting new counsellors in the hope they will get me. It’s best to die. No one will miss me – if anything they will be relieved. Am a pain.
Tabitha says
I feel the same every day
Sue says
Tabitha – hugs (and genuine ones) – why don’t we be each other’s company then? Perhaps I can be of some use after all….
Angie says
Sue, I do hope you’re feeling better. Please give a post to tell me how it’s going.
Sue says
Hanging in there Angie. Thanks for asking. Everyday is Groundhog Day – the same dullness. I hope you are well 🙏🏼
Kimberly says
I think you are doing too much thinking about negative things in your life past and present. Find something to be thankful for and tuck it away in your mind as you go off to volunteer at an animal shelter, a food bank, a hospital or nursing home. Just find a place that accepts help and go be that helper. It will take your mind off of your own unhappiness and troubles. People will hug you and thank you and you will start to feel useful and needed. And you are needed! There’s a lot of pain in the world and you can be a part of the solution. Go and God Bless.
Sue says
Thanks for the ideas. I have tried many things – learn fencing, a new language etc. but am a bit handicapped cos I don’t drive. This is one of the reasons my ex husband left me. So I cannot get to places easily. Also I do have a mortgage & my mother to support. So I cannot leave this job & go to an animal shelter & volunteer. When negative things keep happening – I find it hard to find the positives if any. Can you tell me how to ignore the negatives & only see the positives? And if there are none – then how do I conjure up imaginary positives? I used to be a hopeless optimist – saw the glass half full – completely full in fact – but then life caught me unawares while I was in positive world bliss. Is that not dangerous? To ignore negatives just because one is told to? I cannot see any positives in my life – no child, no partner, no friends, no family….and there won’t be a child – too old, surrogacy too expensive – cannot adopt since government here in Australia does not allow single ppl to adopt – kind of against human rights but who am I to complain. At work they don’t even notice I exist – in their family conversations I am a misfit – when I do talk, they talk over me about their husbands, wives, kids, dogs etc etc – I don’t have those stories. Can you tell me what I can talk about so they notice me maybe?
Kimberly says
First of all, I am very sorry to hear of your suffering. Believe it or not, many people struggle with the same feelings you do. At various times I have been one of them. You have your mom, right? Do you have any pets? Would you like a dog to take care of? You could take pictures of it and bring the photos to work. Ask your co-workers for advice about what to feed him, etc. People love to answer questions about animal care. By the way, how kind of you to support your mother.
Sue says
I am thinking of getting a puppy – but in a rental property & landlady has been bullying me since April. Even though many of the residents in my building have dogs, I know if I ask for permission they will attack. Already because my mum is stuck here cos of Covid, they have been harassing me – demanding I put her on the lease, demanding I give them her passport. I have refused but I know they want me out since I stood up for my rights and went to the civil tribunal who ruled in my favour. 2 days after the ruling, the bullying started. So if I now ask permission for a pet, they will no doubt say no just out of pettiness..
Pls. Anonymous says
I know exactly why I’ve absolutely no
friends or support. 10 years ago, I unknowingly handed myself on a silver platter to someone who, I learned too late, turned out to be a malignant narcissist. Last February, the day after my birthday, 3 police officers came to my door & told me I had 15 minutes to gather my belongings and leave my apartment. I was informed that my (by-then room mate) accused me of domestic abuse, filed an order of protection against me which meant immediate eviction. These false allegations caused me to lose all that I had worked so hard for. His smear campaign also resulted in losing my career and I can’t use my last (and only) apartment as a reference.
I didn’t wind up homelessness (luckily I had 2 credit cards in case of an emergency. I am working with a therapist who specializes in PTSD. That’s the bright spot. I currently live in a place that terrifies me (a place with short to long term stays) as drug activity is the norm and residents are often scarily unpredictable. The immediate area is deserted save for homeless meth addicats. I have no transportation. I maxed out my cards staying in motels before moving here. I don’t dare go out at night. I do have a mom, but she has schizophrenia and lives in a facility. Talk about being stuck. I’m 65 and assuming this will be my last residence (save a miracle) and having no one to share my life with is too much for me. Sometimes the ugly side of life cannot be fixed.
Anonymous says
I fought anxiety and panic attacks for years, until my divorce in 2013. Now it’s come back hard. Life is good, family is great, but I feel like I’m treading water and that everyone is standing by waiting for me to drown. I’m so nervous to say too much, in fear of saying the wrong thing, and I have no close friends. I always say that my personality is one that is either loved or hated, and feel that people just tolerate me. I’m just sad.
Anonymous says
I understand..No in between.. Loved or hated..Liked or disliked…
Anonymous says
I’m a middle aged man now and I am faced with a terrible situation. I’ve spent my whole life in a family business as an employee. My father and his two brothers started the company many years ago and over time they’ve all passed away. I don’t own any stock and the business is now on the verge of being sold. It’s just the way things work out. I have never been known for being real smart but I have a great work ethic and the rank and file employee’s all like me.
When the transaction happens I’ve already been told I will not be retained. I don’t even get a severance. I make a living. I’m not rich. I have a typical retirement account which is not loaded with money. I have no idea what to do when its over. It isn’t real fair that I will leave with nothing but there is nothing that can change that.
My heart breaks for my wife. She thinks I’m smart and everything will always be fine. She is such a great lady.
The only bright spot in all of this is there is an insurance policy my father had on me ..paid by the company with our wives and/or children being the beneficiary. Its just her and me..No kids..
As long as the business is owned by the family the policy remains in force. As of December 31, 2020 they will cancel it . It hurts so bad to write this but if I end my life before then my wonderful wife can get that money. I have agonized over this..I have thought about every possible remedy. There is none.
She will be heart broken if I do this but I can’t bear the thought of her suffering.. At least this way she will have enough money to retire one day and live out her life the way she is wishes. Between this insurance money. my 401 k and social security she will be ok. I’m sick to my stomach as I write this. Her and I live a simple life. We don’t drink and don’t really have close friends. But we have each other and we’ve been more then happy for 35 years.
I’m to old to start over. I have no formal education. The worse part is the nephew who controls the company now is so rude to me. I’m just the moron uncle in his mind…… I just want my wife taking care of. I’ve started planning my end. Its no fun thinking this way but the reality is I’m worth more dead then alive.
I know people reading this will think I’m crazy..insane… Wanting the best for your spouse is none of that . . I’m in a lot of conflict. I have been laying awake at night worrying.. Not about me but for her. I have visions of us being homeless. My sweet little wife being a street person is a thought I can’t live with… I’ve written her a long loving note..I beg her to understand that I just want her to be safe and taken care of.
I don’t expect anyone to understand. Yes it feels very hopeless..
Anonymous says
Please don’t do this! I am a middle aged woman who has been with her husband for 29 years. He is my BEST friend. Without him life would be unbearable. It sounds like this is similar to your situation. Money will mean nothing to her without you. If it were me, I couldn’t live with or from the money gained from my husband’s demise. Just the thought of it makes me ill. I’d rather live in a tiny one room cottage in the woods with my husband than the four bedroom, 4500 square-foot house that we live in now if I had to without him!! I mean that with all my heart! I am beseeching you to go to your wife as a friend and speak to her not in letters but it in real life. It wouldn’t hurt to start journaling as well and to possibly get counseling for your devastating situation. She sounds like a wonderful lady and I’m sure she will stand by your side as you get through this soul-searching, but ultimately grand learning experience together.
Anonymous says
Dear, Anon.
I sincerely feel for your pain and your situation, & I truly hope that you will read my message & that my situation might comfort you in some way. I am depressed myself at the moment and having some thoughts of suicide. I feel that coming across this post and your message so recently posted could be fated – if you believe in such things – (personally i try to push words like “fate” away when I feel so low, but at the same time, “fated acts” like this one are one reason I have found in myself to hold on… and this evening as I write this message to you, I hope that you might feel the same after reading my next words.)
My family also had a business of their own for many years. It was started my my grandfather & grandmother on my fathers side. When I was a child, my father & mother ran the business — they had taken it over, along with an aunt & uncle of mine (before I was born) when my grandparents retired.
I too began working at this business & my siblings & I had our first jobs there at a young age. It only felt like a natural progression that someday me, or one of my siblings, would take things over. Aunt & Uncle have no children, & it was one of their greatest pains to not be able to have children of their own, so my siblings & I were thought of as children, & they as 2nd parents, in some ways to them, considering how close we grew up with them, & what a big encompassing family life we had – surrounded by the family business.
My story does swerve away from yours here, but it meets up back with your position in the next paragraph – I worked there until I graduated, attended university, and went on to live in another town, with other jobs in my career (which did not change whatsoever from the industry of the family – I had already been doing this since I was 12, so I choose it for school at 18 without much of an idea of what else I wanted in life than to follow in my families footsteps.) tragically, the business closed its doors three years after my graduation. (1 year after completion of university).
Although still in my early 20s at that time I remember the bankruptcy being very hard on my family. So hard that it drove my family apart – my parents & aunt & uncle still do not speak to this day, & along with everything that went on behind the scenes (which I will not share here) I discovered later in life, that my family carried a lot of pain… & a lot of that pain came from the family business, it’s ultimate ending, & (even more) the division it created in the personal relations of my family – & my siblings & I as adults.
My parents were left with NOTHING – everyone involved was left with nothing. They all moved away from the town after things officially shut down & began again from scratch. It was difficult watching my parents pick up the pieces. My father fell headfirst into alcoholism & my mother – even more into her habit of eternal optimism & hiding true feelings to be strong for her children (who no longer were even under their roof). My siblings & I also had our own mixed feelings, in different ways, & so quickly it happened that all we had known of that place we grew up with so much love around us was quickly boarded up & locked off; the scraps of our family home packed up (what was left) & taken away to a new place for my parents to have their new beginning.
Now, in my late 40’s, (married, no children) I find myself at the end of my rope. Mentally exhausted (2020 has been no help to me… or too many… ) I began looking for a new career only a few years ago. It took me over 20 years to realize I didn’t want to follow in my families footsteps after all. So I understand the challenge of searching for something new work-wise at a mature age when all you have ever done is the same thing. In that regard, I want to tell you that I was able to get assistance from a government funding program for people without financial means to return to school. I did it! It was very difficult at first, especially at my age, but it was also a lot easier than I expected – & I put my whole heart into my studies. I want you to consider the possibilities that are before you of carrying on. No matter how tired you may be, no matter have overwhelming the situation, you can make it through. My father & mother have found their way back to financial freedom now. It took them what seemed like many years when they first lost everything, but now – they are here!
I don’t want to sound cliche or overly positive because I know, since I am having some depressed thoughts at this time myself, but I want you to know that some cliches are true – and I am one of them – and so is my family – “no matter how bad you think you have it some one else has it worse.”
I lost my job because of COVID. My husband is currently ill and we are living on his disability checks, and we have nothing to fall back on. I can assure you that the love I have for my husband, & my belief in his recovery, is often one of the only reasons I need to push myself though the barrier in my mind that says the best thing for me to do would be to just “end things.” The 2 of us speak openly about my mental health as I have struggled with depression for many years. Even now, as sick as he is, he brings a smile to my face every day with his endless humour and strength to live.
I can imagine the position you are in – since I have been daydreaming about ending my life this past week – job after job declined me due to my lack of experience in this new role … I can also imagine that giving the circumstances, if I could give my life for my husband in any way, I would. But, you are not dying. This end of this chapter in your and your wife’s lives does not need to be the end of your life, or the start of something new you feel you can’t give her. So often when we lose the people we love there is so much we wish we could’ve said to them before they go, and I can guarantee you your wife is no different. Given the choice between her husband or the money, I can guarantee she would choose you. And I feel you need to choose yourself too.
There are many people who feel they are losing right now with everything that has happened – and I know these times are especially hard for everyone – so when I have my thoughts of leaving I think about how I am not the only one hurting right now, I look at my husband and think about all the things we will do when he is healthy again – and it isn’t going on holidays or having lavish dinners or anything expensive – just to be in his arms without him in pain is enough. You’re wife wants the same for you. Although you do not have physical pain, or an ailment that shows on the surface, I recognize that depression can feel like you are missing a limb.
Talk to your wife about what you are feeling.
Find a free resource you can utilize (there are many) to speak to someone when you feel this way.
it is true that having some one to talk to helps – before I send this message to you I was crying and forcing those thoughts away – but now I feel hope – not just for me – but for you – for everyone that is in pain.
The world is painful, it’s a fact – but it is what you do during challenges in life that really matter in the end.
Let this be a new beginning.
I will too. Let’s push ahead for change – find our own path.
Maybe I really am following in my parents footsteps.
Anonymous says
NOTE: with regard to possibilities before you – I mentioned school. Don’t dismiss the power of your position at your current family business.
This is something HUGE for your resume that easily landed both my mother and father jobs in the same field.
There are resources for helping you make your resume and all that Jazz for free through government funding.
Trust that you have the skills and expertise to land something new – and trust the process.
A says
I can’t imagine any insurance policy paying out on suicide. If you disrespect your wife’s desires enough to leave her to cope with feelings of how nice it is to have money, but at the expense of her husband to share life or have reason to spend the money, then this idea if yours is going to be really awful if your policy doesn’t pay out AND you leave your wife knowing she’d rather have the money than you or she wouldn’t but she knows you were willing to leave her alone because you thought so little of her character.
Anonymous says
Insurance companies usually do not pay insurance policy money if death is from suicide. Things have a way of working out.This to shall past.God will take you when he is ready.There are so many hurting and lonely people.We are not alone. God is still in control He has a plan for each one of us. The Lord will lead you each step of your life.Turn it over to him. He loves you he knows your needs and he will provide.🙏🏻
Anonymous says
I’m praying your still with us and reading our comments. Your position and staying with something all these years is the FIRST criteria I look at when considering a new hire. People who change jobs every six months I don’t even consider. You have something that’s getting lost more and more each day…Work ethic..Reliability.
Please take a good look around as your a PROVEN operator! You may find that there are better opportunities.. ..better money and respect from other companies.. On a personal note in 20014 my wife of 21 years was diagnosed with MS. The decline in her case was rapid.
She was a very active woman and when her mobility was getting more difficult she ended her life. Shock when I discovered her doesn’t even scratch the surface… I knew where she was headed with her health and it is a terrible illness. She left me a long note. She said she didn’t want to be a “burden”
I was beyond grief stricken. We had been together since our junior year in college. The word “burden” just broke my heart. I was her husband. I took the vow. I was always “ALL IN” Good bad or whatever. Burden or no burden..She would have felt the same had it been me with MS..
The grief was bad enough,. I was so angry that she never reached out and said what she was thinking. I was her husband.. The guy who was always going to be there for her and she left in the way your talking about. I don’t even know you but please don’t do this to your bride.. I can assure you she will not understand. As some other commenters have said that money will not be of any comfort to her.
She will be sad.mad.angry distraught. Trust me my friend. Those emotions all packed together are mind numbing. Talk to her. There is NO reason to do this. Please don’t break her heart..
Davis…..
Kim says
My husband has been gone 6 months now and I would give up every penny to have him back. Your wife won’t care how much money she has without you. What could she enjoy spending money on without her wonderful husband by her side. You do sound like a wonderful husband too. Dont devastate your wife by leaving her to face a lonely future without you. Money will not make her as happy as you do.
Rose Star says
It’s depression and anxiety telling you that you can’t make it. Screw your family who have abused you. To hell with them. You can and will make it. You are blessed to have ‘someone’, your wife, who loves you and believes in you. YOU CAN DO IT. This ending is so you will HAVE SOMETHING BETTER. Have home and move forward one step at a time. If you just take the next step it is easy. So just take the next step. You CAN do it.
Anonymous says
Please please please do not do that.
You’ve missed the most important thing out and that is communication.
Speak to you’re wife!! You must tell her how you are feeling then you can both come together to find ways to help each other through this.
Imagine how she would feel if you ended it and the husband that loves her so much never spoke to her about his problems. That’s not peace for her she will be tormented by that forever.
Please talk to her
Kimberly says
You wife will be terribly, terribly hurt if you kill yourself. You will end up causing her more pain than you can shake a stick at. So, don’t. You can get another job somewhere. You said you have a retirement account set up. This is not the end of the world even though you feel really bad. The bad feelings will pass. Stay in the game, especially for your wife. Jobs end, things change and life goes on. You are fortunate to have a wife that loves you because many people do not. Give yourself a little bit of time to grieve your job but not too much time. Your wife needs you and not your insurance funds. Be there for her and let her be there for you because none of us is perfect and I am sure she already knows that about you.
Diane says
I turned 39 in July. I have no friends and when I say no friends I mean no friends. I was with my boyfriend for 5 and half years which ended 2 years ago. I have no children. I had to move in with my mom because I have so much debt trying to live by myself still. Ive gained 60 pounds. I just wish I would die sometimes and get it over with. I realized to late that he was my person but he didn’t want me back..my looks are fading. I’ll die alone.
Rose Star says
As long as you have life you have hope. I get it. Believe me I do. I am in the same boat except I never had a companion. You had those 5 1/2 years at least. People change and move on. Everything in life is MOMENTS. Find anything in the day to be happy about even if it’s a bird or a tree or the sun shining or a breeze or the fresh cool rain. Find something to be grateful for every day. You are 39. That is young. You have your life ahead of you. Enjoy this time right now. If you have gained 60 pounds that means you are not eating healthy. Eating healthy vegetables and fruits and so forth and walking daily at least 20 to 30 min will help your mental health a lot. Just do it. That guy was NOT YOUR PERSON or you would not have got out of the relationship. It’s nice to have someone but you don’t have to have a man to be happy. Get healthy and happy and the right man may come along. Share your life with someone because you want to not because you need to. You have a chance living with your mom to get out of debt, save money, and get healthy. YOU CAN DO IT. You have SO MUCH HOPE.
Mark says
Life really sucks as it is, and being a single and lonely man makes it a real double whammy altogether.
Anonymus says
I just do not know who Iam or my purpose in life just now Iam single,barriers up and do not trust anyone.So caĺled friends Fake backstabbers……I keep myself to myself and dont want their intervention just to gossip and assume…….
Anonymous says
Agreed..One of the Eddie Murphy “Nutty Professor” movies was on the other night and there is a line in there that really is upsetting as I have lived it.
“You know it’s funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line I got used to being alone. And I just don’t want to be alone anymore.”
I stayed awake all night thinking about those few words. I got used to no one returning my calls. I got use to never being invited anywhere. I got use to inviting “friends” over to only have them not show up. I got use to cruel comments….. I got use to being lonely….Just a movie but those words are my life for sure….
Rose Star says
I know what you mean. It is hard to be alone. I have exactly the same experience. People don’t like being around depressed and sad people. Most people pretend everything is fine when it’s not. They do this, I think, to have friends and family want to be around them. It’s sad really. Some people don’t have time to be ‘our’ friends or return calls because they have spouses and children and grandchildren and jobs and lives. It is hard, but we can learn to be happy with what we have and find things to be grateful for daily. Take care of your body. See your body as your ‘friend’and treat it like a friend by eating healthy and walking daily and finding something to do even if it’s organizing your closet or volunteering somewhere to help others. Best wishes for a life that gets happier day by day.
stuck says
I really relate to a lot of the things brought up here. I’m 15 and I’ve never actually been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, or any form of mental illness. My family isn’t big on health, we only go to the doctor’s when there’s something serious or to get our checkups and whatnot, and even when I bring up therapists or counselors, or anything my parents just dismiss it. It may be self diagnosed, but I am certain I have it. I might not have had depression before quarantine started, but I definitely did during middle school and now, I do think I have it again. I think I’ve laid on my bed crying every other day for several days in a row now, and haven’t come out of my room besides to wash up or eat food.
I haven’t talked to my friends/acquaintances in months now. I haven’t talked to anyone in months besides my parents briefly a few minutes a day, and they only talk to me to call me to meals. I want to talk to my friends so badly, but it seems nobody opens the group chat that much to talk anymore, and I’m not really the type to start anything. Besides, they aren’t even that close to me, I don’t even really completely know their interests.
Every time I lie on the bed now, I just really despise everything. Why did I have to move? I could’ve had a nice and stable friend group with similar interests in elementary school, why did I have to change to a different middle school where I made no friends or actual acquaintances at all? Why did I have to move to a different high school, too, just when I was starting to get to know a few people at my old middle school? Honestly… at this point, I haven’t really had fun with my friends in years. I don’t know. I really don’t know how to get out of this, at this point. I’ve tried so many things ever since I realized I barely had any acquaintances at all in middle school, but I don’t know. I thought it was going to be different in high school, but that fear of talking to new people and filtering out my words was still the same up until quarantine, and I really don’t know what to do anymore. How am I even going to talk to my friends when this quarantine ends, how am I going to adjust to everything again.
Sometimes I think about maybe going online to make friends. But then, my grades will probably drop as I spend hours upon hours chatting with them, and I’d probably ditch them when school starts again to do all my other activities.
Those thoughts of ending everything pop up in my mind again every now and then. I just feel so empty. I don’t know what to do.
Anonymous says
I hope you know your not alone. I know exactly how you feel, and you are worth the time and effort of friends. Your parents I’m sure love you, and sometimes faking it- happiness, can make it real
Rae says
We could be friends!
I’m 14 and weird too. I also have no friends but that’s probably because I never recovered socially from depression and I recently got cured physically. Now everyone thinks I’m the “weird emo girl”. Yes, I was bullied and ridiculed for having depression although my bullies probably had it themselves.
My personality is sort of like Gretchen from mean girls, I try way too hard but still end up with no one. I didn’t realize I had no friends in middle school until high school rolled around.
I hear kids in my school whining about having no friends one day but talking and laughing with their six besties the next. It makes me mad how much people underrate the severity of having no friends. They act like it’s a term you can just stick on when you need attention, to just snap and have girls and guys patting you on the back and giving you compliments.
Seriously and legitimately having no friends is heartbreaking. Getting picked last for teams in gym, even though it’s your favorite sport and you’ve trained for years. Always being the one person standing at the front of the class when the teacher says “Alright, who wants to be her(or his or xir) partner?” and then watching people be visibly angry at you for breaking them up with their friend. Sitting at lunch in either an empty table or one full of people who feel bad for you, ignore you or trash you, but you can’t leave because you have nowhere to go.
Being forced to do all of the work in a possible friendship because they know you’ll fall for it and then they’ll get a free trip to Dairy Queen, planned, prepped and paid for by you, and all they have to do is show up, while texting their friend ripping apart your appearance while you pour your heart out to them. They then spread rumors and leave you, laughing about how easy you are to fool. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been left out of
It sucks missing out on high school. I haven’t had a best friend since 2nd grade, and a real friend since 5th. My best friend left me, and my only real friend died in Yemen. I hate going to school every day, because coupled with my school rep as the weird depressed girl and my social anxiety, it’s a hellhouse. I haven’t had a first kiss, or have ever had a boy or girl like me back (I’m a closeted bi). I feel incredibly ugly and still have a baby face, stick out ears, an ugly nose, and frizzy thick dirty-blonde hair. I don’t have a single picture of me on my phone that I think looks pretty, because the scale of “youre pretty” to “you’re ugly” remarks at school is 0-around 10.
I sympathize with every nerd and weird kid in sitcoms because I feel that’s how I’m taken as. No matter how many times I’ve blanded down my personality, dumbed myself down, faked confidence, faked fakeness, gotten rid of my interests because they weren’t cool enough or made up imaginary friend names to tell others to not look like a loser, it never changes for me. I’m the weird girl you’re only using to vent to and get free stuff out of. I hope it changes for me soon, but reply if you want me to be your friend 🙂
Anonymous says
Hello, Anon.
Your message reminds me very much of my own adolescence- though I am over double your age now!
I understand the importance of friends – especially as a teenager, even if most friendships do not survive into adulthood from high school (some do, but from my experience, rare – and some times people you keep acquaintances with but are no longer close too at different stages in life.)
I found my best friend at a different school and my first bf also came from meeting at a social activity outside of school.
Consider, if there is an option for you, taking on some classes or extracurricular activities outside of your high schools social circle. Somewhere where you don’t feel like you are under the stigma of your reputation, and do this for the sake of your interests – your genuine interests – not with the purpose of seeking friends, but rather (forgive me because this will sound a little cheesy) your own best friend by doing things solo that make you feel happy and whole.
You will find that when you immerse yourself in something that you are really interested in it will not matter if you are alone or with someone else. Maybe you don’t know what that is yet, but you can take on new challenges and experience them until you find something you are passionate for. Along the way, you will find others that share that interest / passion and you will find friendships with these people easy – not like the tough coldness of being the social exile to the “popular kids” at school (who, by the way, most likely only think you are “weird” because you are NOT AFRAID to be yourself where as most teenagers your age tend to play the blending in game and it seems odd to them when someone isn’t afraid to be themselves.)
I understand it is hard to get picked last for team games and activities at school. I remember going through this same thing. I was a really excellent soccer player – but I still got picked last.
I took the advice I am giving you and joined a junior soccer team that had players from a bunch of different schools.
I made my best friend this way. We were different in many ways, but we had a shared love for the sport and this, in my opinion, made us closer than any of the “fake friend” relationships at my high school. She invited me to a party from her school once and I could see that she was a popular jock girl – but in a different way – because she didn’t seclude me or try to hide me away. She said “this is my friend ‘anon’ and we play (provincial girls) soccer together” and I was accepted.
This same friendship happened to gI’ve me the confidence I needed to try out for the high school team.
The coach picked me in the top 5 for the starting line. It’s funny how when someone who truly sees who you really are and your potential will pick you out of the bunch based on nothing but who is standing before them – but we will feel more judged by getting picked last by a “jury of our peers.”
I still got picked last in gym after this, and the “mean girls” bullied me extra hard that year (one of their buddies got canned from the team because I outperformed her) SO please try to think of this at school – you are not being judged or chosen based on anything that is real, when it comes to your peer group.
Stand strong in who you are and you will make solid friendships based on your authentic interests — more importantly, you will learn what truly matters in this world are the people who love and accept you for who you are, even if that means waiting for those people to come into your life, you can love yourself and take yourself on an adventure.
Best wishes
Anonymous says
Thank you! I’m transferring schools next year to a private, all girls school so I’m crossing my fingers! I’m going through a tough time right now, you made my day!
Rose Star says
Wow. You are 15. That is fanstastic. Your whole life ahead of you. You can make your life what you want it to be. It is wonderful that you are studying. That is SO IMPORTANT. If you can find something you love and go to college for that and get a job you love that will help a lot. I wonder if you could talk to the school counselor? If you feel you need therapy then there are ways to get it. Ask at your school. A move can be a challenge because you have to start over, but you never know it might turn out better than where you were before. It just may take some time. As long as you are alive you have hope. Take it one step at a time. Just do the next thing you have to do. Maybe you could journal your feelings or write a book. Sometimes putting your thought down on paper can help you feel better. I can see so many beautiful things for you in your future. Right now is the time you prepare for your future. Eat healthy, exercise 30 min daily, study and prepare. Go to: theanxietyguy.com —– This man is great and he gets it. Listening to him daily has helped me a lot. Best wishes for a beautiful, long life, and an abundant future. YOU CAN DO THIS. This is a bump in the road and YOU WILL OVERCOME AND SUCCEED.
A! says
This is for everyone, although some will be so overwhelmed and others maybe ate already trying and just get impatient for a change of outlook and feelings:
You are depressed, lonely, rejected and treated poorly or ignored by your family and supposed loved ones, you are shy, unmotivated, fearful, bitter, sad, lost and can’t understand why you are in your state or you know why but can’t figure out how to change and you just wallow or spiral or yo-yo in emotional self talk and reactions that aren’t serving you well, maybe even feels like you could go suicidal but that’s not really what you want to do, you just need to be spoon fed some answers and have things work out even a little better than they seem now.
Be proactive:
Keep searching online (once you subscribe to some common themes of making friends, loneliness, depression, shyness, empty nester, my adult kids hate me, suicide, dating apps, making friends apps, etc you will just keep finding more and more, and you will get advertisements as well for counselors, coaches, life hacks and maybe something will be beneficial, maybe some play on your insecurities and needs, so be aware, but keep looking .
Go volunteer and get out of your own head, and divert from your wallowing in your needs and wants and start looking to serve, teach, provide, offer, give to others whose needs are an ongoing battle and their needs wear people and social programs out so they can always use someone rotating in for however long to help. Kids, orphans, abused, homeless, elderly, handicapped /special needs respite, hungry, young parents, covid isolated, addicts, neighbors, your relatives you haven’t invited over for tea or to see a movie because you feel weird and awkward to start something or fear rejection, and many other categories of people who need and will accept help from anyone willing. Sure, sometimes you have to have certain skills, or your desire to help isnt that strong…well, you can either spiral further or suffer in a more positive direction to commit yourself to being somewhere for someone else in whatever capacity you can muster.
Apps…I haven’t tried, but there are finding friends apps just like dating apps. Some are for moms, for meet ups, for commonly enjoyed activities, for new in towners to find someone who will introduce them about town, and there are lots of meet up type sites…it’s scary if you haven’t done them, but you’re reading this, so you are doing a great step in searching for ideas online…that’s one of them…take the plunge! Search for advice on using them, too.
I have subscribed to a lot of comedy and podcasts and news things that I find uplifting or interesting or stretching my thoughts to get me beyond my self talk of loneliness and depression. It also feels like I am practicing skills of becoming friends by being a good listener and discovering how popular hosts talk and what I find interesting vs boring or too heady. I love the joe Rogan experiences and you can eat dinner with the comedian Jim gaffigan or do something virtual like tour Egypt or stargaze or listen to a concert or start following people on Twitter and find people who think like you do.
These are not substitutes for real life relationships, but they give you practice and can be a diversionary lifeboat when you start sinking into thoughts and feelings that you can’t shake when you need to just lie around glued to the couch or bed. Eventually, however, you have to face your reality…but these connections are with real people, as opposed to watching tv programs that might be funny and entertaining and distracting, but they are fictional.
Pick something to learn. Stagnating will make you worse. With covid, it’s harder to find hobbies and classes and clubs and activities, which will be your first choice so you get out and meet people, but there are apps and books and online learning opportunities galore especially with covid conditions driving everyone to plying their trade virtually and online from home.
Social media has always been stressful for me, but I’m using it more now and I just take breaks from it…in fact, once covid isn’t such an isolating, annoying, fear m, anger and anxiety provoking issue, you may find overexposure to social media and online interaction to make you spring out of your slump and join a whole new world of people desperate for connection, contact, conversation, touch, to engage socially and interact on every personal level. Zoom has connected many people who were not connected before and maybe some of those connections can continue…either still by zoom or perhaps in person. I had a call with people from high school because someone posted they were going to host a call. If you can’t drum up courage to do the hosting, look for Facebook groups or check with your family who you never see or call and see if anyone else might be interested in hosting a call.
I’m going to stop now, but I am teaching to myself, I might add…I’m not brave, I feel insecure, I can get caught in wallowing depression and lose all ability to think of the most obvious, simplest ways to alleviate my situation. So my last offering is to look into a psychological counseling concept called dialectical behavior therapy. It was developed from cognitive behavior therapy to expand to the specific needs of suicidal and borderline personality disordered individuals. But you know what? EVERYONE could use the knowledge of the methods outlined in DBT…because all it really is about is how to balance your feelings and emotional reactions and behavior when you are teetering between negative, destructive, counterproductive thinking and behavior and the reality that you have to regulate and take control of your thinking and behavior or you will lose relationships, jobs, self esteem, health and more, maybe your life if you don’t. Look up dialectical behavior therapy and explore if that seems like something you could use to help balance yourself while you seek to improve your situation of depression and loneliness when you are living with depression and loneliness debilitating your desires and ability to make your reality what you seek.
Wayne says
Iv got some issues and one of them happen to be sever depression I’ve had it most of my life since I was around 12….and at the moment its hitting me hard as I write this…the funny thing is I literally don’t have family nor do i have any friends because like the author of this article all the friends I did have I tried opening up asking for them to sit with me and have a coffee….the sad part was nobody showed up but I can’t blame them I mean I’ve got some wicked disorders that I’m just starting to try to learn about its been difficult but this article help so thank you to whom ever wrote this
Rose Star says
theanxietyguy.com
This guy helps me. I listen to him daily.
P. Heartbroken says
Reply to Tommy i am 47, and have been through something similuar the past few years from a boyfriend, family, past……friends from highschool…..i couldn’t imagine that at an age that young, i hear you with no thanks on?friendship, or help. I’d be here all day explaining , so much cruelness that happened the past few yrs. Thats shocked me, and put me in a much darker place of trustung again, i know deep down God doesnt want that, for anyone. I have a hard time with how mean people can be hateful, nasty, and even at an age like thus. Thank you, so much, for courage in sharing that, my prom in past yrs. Later, many tormented me, later in life..im unsure today why, and don’t Care, i figured maybe it had been i shared my beliefs in Jesus yrs. Later..people change some hated it or somthing, again thankyou for that. There will alwats be hateful mean people, but the world needs the rare like you, me, others here, to be hete. Those that make it difficult, just to be cruel, there choice to be rotten, and sad..thanks your a blessing, encouragement, for me
P. Heartbroken says
I wrote response, and I got carried away, which is what i end up doing, then give up reachi g out. I hope I was able to stop it, from being posted. I think it did. So thank you , for sharing i am not alone, and wished somehow we would all be able to get together.To those that are simply being cruel to me, and others who struggle through depression. No reason to be hateful, the person who started this in sincerity thank you, for encouragement.
junio says
It’s been two years since I have moved to New York at 19 years old , all alone in the concrete jungle.My friends back home moved on with their college lives and the fomo of not being there cuts deep. I’ve become distant with them though I long to reconnect I cant seem to muster the confidence to initiate contact. I havent made any real friends since I moved to New York, my girlfriend left me couple months after I moved and I lost my job then savings in a streak of bad luck. I became depressed and isolated myself for months longing for someone to pull me back from the abyss.One year later I’ll probably just jump in
Rochelle says
Don’t be afraid to reach out to your family at least.,talk to them or a helpline for someone to talk and listen to you.holding it all In does no good and the dark place will get darker, iv been there and it’s not good.go back home 💞
Rose Star says
Move to Texas. You can more easily find work and it’s cheaper to live here and you are so young. You can start over. If you can get work then you can take one class per semester and over time you will get your degree. You CAN DO IT. Just take the next step. One step at a time.
Carol says
I came here through a Google search, in last ditch desperation, because I suddenly find myself old, retired, with grown children who live far away, with no friends, and I have no idea how this happened. I have been there for everyone else all my life, but nothing has turned out the way I thought it would. How did I end up this alone, this friendless, this invisible, this unloved and apparently unlovable? Even my faith has failed, and yet I can’t seem to disobey God and just end it all, although I desperately need it to just be over. I am so deeply saddened that others here express so many of the same feelings and situations, but it is strangely comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Thanks for listening. If anyone reading this prays, I would be deeply grateful for any prayers you could spare for me.
Vin says
I will pray for you, I liken my life to your story. I struggle daily. Prayer is so important. God hears us. He is always with us. He will save you. Don’t rush life. Be open and forward and kind and you will meet and make friends. Much love
P.soper says
Yes, i understand this is strangly comfortable, and grateful there’s others like me feel this way, but why can’t we get together? I understand not wanting to end it, and disobey God. I had a few in my life that found this funny, and were just hateful, even a church that claim were here? To had been making jokes of this, ( just gossip) a man who treated me a joke, abusive, family as well. I still love Jesus, and it can’t ne taken away. I’d get accused the way id talk, too much im selfish, as the man that wrote this put it. He said it all. It’d be great if all of us could get together. Massachusetts
Lilla says
I am praying for you by name carol. Right now. I see the same things happening to me right jow.
Julie says
Hi Carol hope you still check in here. I read your post and it is exactly my life too. Sons grown up and moved away and I live alone. Never ever thought I could end up so alone. All my friends have partners husbands and their grown up family on the doorstep. I have tried so hard to build a life for me but I guess I was banking on my kids being closer and calling in with their kids. I have very dark thoughts and don’t want to be here as it’s too lonely and the future like this is too much to endure. I’m in my 50’s and can’t face another day of this isolation.
Olga says
So, we are not completely unique in feeling isolated with no bridge to people. It is a cruel world out there, made either for cruel or very lucky people. Do not blame yourself, do not believe it is all your fault. Being nice, decent and kind has no value in this society. Adult kids feel free to dump their parents, no public outrage here. Point is to make it, climbing over dead bodies is admirable. I too have adult kids, out of 4 only cares, and she is not here. I feel like Frankenstein looking through the cottage window watching that nice family inside. I would try to kill myself, my life was a chain of hells, but I have 3 parrots, so I have to live it out.
Lisa says
i so relate, with a lot of comments on here, ive always been the odd one out, the loner who nobody wanted as a friend, never picked for team sports at school…WHY…i dont know
i asked someone once and they said i was “weird” …but i look and act the same as you !!!
i started thinking that if i was slimmer people would like me….yeah i know stupid but i was a kid
i would restict my food, exercise for hours on end….but still people disliked me
and now 40 years on ive still friendless and messed up !!!
i did meet someone whos like me , a loner ..but his is by choice
i have 2 kids but their lives are the same as mine 🙁
A Scary Ghost says
Hi there, I’m not really sure how to start this comment, but umm, I’ve been depressed for the past 3 years now. Well, I have bipolar depression, so my mood just continuously sings back and forth. I had one real this year. He was great and always listened. And when he had problems, I listened to him too. But a couple months ago, he got mad at me for something small, but turned it into a large fiasco. Afterwards, I was really sad. He wouldn’t talk to me, no matter how much I apologized. I felt horrible. I wanted to try and kill myself again. And then I realized that in reality he was toxic. I won’t go into too much detail but I realized that every time I talked to him, I felt drained. My energy had been wiped out. He made me feel almost worthless, and like I depended on him. So I blocked him everywhere. Except for Roblox. Because I forgot. After a month, he contacted me there. And told me that I used him like a trash can and now that I felt better, I threw him away. When I read the message, I broke down again. My life felt like it wasn’t meaningful again. So afterwards, I tried to attempt suicide. But this time I was too scared to. So I put the belt aside and sat down reflecting on my actions. I decided to distance myself from everyone. All my “friends” were set aside so I could focus on enjoying myself instead. I wanted to be happy. And I was for a while. But that same boy gave me gifts that I would see all around me. So I threw them all in the trash. As soon as I did that, I felt like I threw away our entire relationship into the trash like he said. I felt like I just did what he said. I felt like I was manipulated. And to no surprise, I was sad once more. The things that made me happy, were doing it for me. I wanted to scream out my emotions, but I know my family would never understand. I turned to all these depression forums and areas where I could talk about this. I feel really bad. And now, because I distanced myself, I’m lonely. Everyone misses their friends, but I don’t. I wish I could start life over, but I can’t. I want to change!! BUT I CAN’T!!! Every single day I cry myself to sleep thinking that I’ll become better person or thinking that the people I have hurt in the past will forget and that the people whom I have leaned on will remember how much I cherished them!! I WISH FOR NEW FRIENDS AND A NEW LIFE SO MUCH!! I just want to be happy…That’s all I want. But no matter what I do, I can’t find this happiness everyone else has. I can’t find love. For anyone or for myself.
A! says
How are you today? I’m going to make a suggestion that I hope will help you. Find somewhere to volunteer. Take a dialectical approach to living the life you have while aspiring to make changes and find a new life with new friends. Church is often a great place to start looking, but if that’s not your bag (although I highly recommend you explore Jesus, God, Love as a truth that might give meaning to life if you find your faith), you can also find plenty of resources to place your services by contacting any organization that serves whatever community of people you think you might be willing to help: kids, homeless, addicted, elderly, parents of special needs who need respite, all kinds of respite care, bringing food or other needed essentials or services to anyone due to covid issues (contact your local health or govt services), teach something: adults to read, any skill or hobby you have to kids, handicapped, club members…another good place is find a club. I have not tried the apps for finding friends, but there are several. One is geared more toward moms, one is for finding people to do similar interests and activities, one is for people who just moved to a new place to find friends. If dating apps work, I don’t see why these apps wouldn’t be similarly successful, but also have limitations or cautions for expectations. My main message to you is to find love and purpose by finding others who always have high needs and not enough people to meet them…so you can do as little or as much as you can stand, but if you don’t put yourself out there and BE a good friend, it will be hard for you to be found by anyone who needs someone to love and be loved by. You can be happy when you focus on others with needs that you can help with, not hyper focused on your need for someone or something to be that you can’t impose on yourself or others. You CAN find love, because love is not just a feeling…it’s life itself, it’s selfless action, it’s participation and cooperation and sacrifice and generosity and kindness and patience and not holding grudges and it’s golden: do unto others as you would like others to do for you. I love you. I hope you believe that my words here are my effort to resist the sad and lonely pull into depressive funks and completely useless days of sluggish wallowing and sleeping and crying that I could easily slip into if I didn’t have the faith, hope and love that remains forever when all else fades away and ends (I believe in because I am a Christ follower, but whether you believe in God or Jesus doesn’t matter, the truth is the truth whether you buy into it or not, and the truth is that love never fails, love is always the answer, and since Jesus is love, you have god, peace, joy, meaning and fulfillment and a contented spirit and mind if you have love).
James says
Having grown up in a trailer with my violent alcoholic father, I was always alone. Not bullied much, but there was this barrier caused by the constant pain, without people close to me I couldn’t process it, without processing it nobody would want to get close.
When my older sister started college she took me to some parties, but I could never connect with the larger group. I made two friends, they were like my brothers.
When I finally started college, I met the love of my life, the only person I’ve ever known that endured more than me without a doubt, the only person that ever really knew me.
She died last year a week before my birthday. One of my brothers was only kind to me to get closer to my sister, the other reacted to an engagement being broken off by diddling middle school boys, I’ll never speak to either again.
My home is a giant grave shrine, I have nobody in my life, and now I’m back to square one with a mountain of pain and not a soul to comfort me, and the barrier it creates.
The only reason I haven’t killed myself already is I know god is going to do it soon anyway due to my record breaking powerful thyroid. I will have a stroke or heart attack someday soon and no one will be here to call 911. Also I promised her I wouldn’t, and I must keep my promises to her.
I’ve tried to form new bonds, joined a DnD group and S&M club, I even tried LSD in the hope that I might be able to process the pain and have an easier time socializing again. Trying my best, but it isn’t working this time, the pain is so much greater, the barrier is that much bigger, and I was never good at these things in the first place.
I thought for a moment I had another true friend, the only person that spent any time with me for a bit of the last year, but his friends could all tell I was a bit off kilter, so now I never see or hear from him anymore either.
I am 25, I have nothing good in my life, no one has so much as given me a hug since she passed, my family was glad that she died. I have nothing left to give, nothing left to try, no fight left in me, waiting to die.
Dorean says
Your pain is very raw, I know how you feel as I am basically experiencing these same thoughts. I lost my husband to illness in November and in that same week my ex husband ended his life. Your my sons age I could be your mother yet the pain of loss is not measured with age. I pushed away any people that came to comfort me as it felt fake, I just wanted to be left alone.
Then the pandemic hit, with the world of unknowns as a mainstay, uncertainty is the norm. Which way to go, who to trust, how will we survive, it’s a mans world where I live so my options are null and void. I am grateful to have our home as it’s my safe haven but don’t know how I will make simple upkeep. Everything changed, our significant others are at peace but what solace does this give us the ones who must push forward. I know I am depressed, living in paradise doesn’t allow me to see the beauty of the blue sky. I wish I could be with him yet I could never harm myself being a mother. Your so young but seem to be an old soul, please try to hold on, know that becoming close with your spirituality can help, many evenings it’s calmed my head. Be well
hr says
I’m so sorry for your loss… I bet your lady would not agree with you about wanting your life to end….You have a life and over came so much..So did she.. The last thing she would want is for you to follow her right now.. Honor her by gaining strength from the struggles you both over came.
I understand the pain friend. I’ve had so many moments where as I was a black and white figure in a world full of bright color.. I have felt as alone as one could be…like being broken off piece of pack ice drifting away.. I was not letting the world I knew bring me down. My life is far from perfect and a genuine hug from a nice girl would be nice. I live alone..I have no family at all..
I hold onto hope. Waking up and seeing the beautiful coastal waters in the morning sun is worth living.. Please value yourself.. I wish I could be your friend. Purple, green black or white..In this screwed up day and age people of walks of life need to stick together…Hang in there bro..
MeRobin says
I feel the same as you do. I’m alone and have almost no family. I’ve isolated myself because I am afraid that I am so horrible and no one really wants to spend time with me. I stay home because I think I am so pathetic that no one wants to be around me. I’m also very ill with a chronic disease and had to retire from a job I loved and go to disability retirement and do not interact with others at work anymore. I feel like I could live in a beautiful place, but I cannot enjoy it because my mind and spirit are so broken. I’ve considered leaving this Earth many times, but I cannot get the courage or self-confidence to end this pain. I hate everything about myself and wish I could change or start over, like others have commented. I want to communicate directly with others who are lost and sad in this world. I wish there was a site where I could DM others who suffer like I do. It is impossible to connect and to support others in pain via a blog or post. Does anyone know of a site to DM people who need help and can support me and others?
Tommy says
My life has not ben very fun… Everything that could go wrong to this boy has. I cram for a test and fail it. I tried out for the basketball team and was lol off the court. My story is similar to many I’ve read in here. I never thought I’d ever write one but at 22 my time is running out. I was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and treatment was never an option.. My dad died when I was young and my mom two years ago from Ulcerated Colitis..
I’m a young adult orphan. I recently had a visitor.. A girl I went to school with for several years. She was one of the cruelest people I’d ever known and I’ve known some terrible ones. Her claim to fame was helping plan and carry out the most humiliating event in my life and I’ve known many.
In the rest of the nation jr/sr proms see kids showing up without a date but in our town it’s still traditional. This girl so punked me. She said her friend really liked me and the prom came up. It was just a big joke on me. I went through the motions after she said she’d love to go.. Put yourself in my place.. I arrived to pick her up. Planning on going by my house so my mom and aunt could take pictures..
I knocked on the door only to be greeted by her parents who were utterly confused. Their daughter had already left with her date. I was punked..goofed..made to look like a huge moron. Before I could drive away they rode by flipping me off lol at me. The rest of the school year was people always saying how was the prom or how was your date. The girl that contacted me smirk and laughter is so burned into my mind.
When she called I thought I was dreaming. I’m not a mean person as arguing with people or holding grudges seems like a waste of time but it was hard to not unload on her as she helped make my last few months of my school awful. Somehow she heard about my impending demise. I joked that I’d sue her over Hippa laws..
She talked softly and asked if she could see me. A form of desperation in her voice. She acknowledged she was an RN at the oncologist office I had gone to.. I reluctantly said yes as she said she understood if I said no. She came over that day at noon. I opened the door and needless to say she knew my time was running out.
My energy level is gone. I’ve lost a lot of weight.. She came in as I sat back down in my chair… So whats up I said..She looked very pretty..healthy but sad. She said her biggest mistake in life that can’t be undone is what she did to me. Tears flowed down her face. She didn’t expect me to forgive her but after many minutes of apologizing I realized people can change and she had..
Most people would have piled on but again that’s not my nature. She would say her parents to this day are still disgusted with her since that evening. My mind ran wild as she said please tell me what your thinking… I’m way passed being upset as I’ll be gone soon enough but I said I wish everyone had given me a chance.. I’m a nice person..What should have been a happy few years was turned into a nightmare.. This was not verbatim.. I just kind of touched on it..
I leaned forward and hugged her..I hate words like closure but we gave that to each other..I told her to move forward Find a nice guy and make beautiful babies.. I wanted to say I will never experience anything like that so make it count… She asked if I needed her to help me with anything..again I could have told her that I’ve already made arrangements with a funeral home but I didn’t..
I thanked her for coming by.. In another world she may have called me a life long friend but long has no bearing on my world anymore… I have to say her visit was very pleasant. It made me feel good that people can see the error of their ways.. I can leave knowing her life can be an example of bad to good… No grudges in my heart.. I hope she as a beautiful long happy life!
Eoin says
i don’t know what to say, but i want to say something. i’m utterly moved. i’m so sorry that life failed you, you deserve better. please appreciate what you still have and know anyone who knew your story would feel the same. people suck, especially teenagers, it’s a shame it takes years of growth or a tragic event in someone’s own life to realise the effect they may have had on others. i’m constantly in worry of how i’m actively destroying my life at only 18 but you give me the motivation to do something, anything. life is supposed to be what you make it, but sometimes it feels like it has it out for you. life can be cruel but as long as you don’t succumb to the negativity of others and live up to your own standards, you can say it was worth something, right?
Ginny says
What a great response. You are gonna make it!
Melu says
I’m sorry what you’re going through . Just know that what you just wrote made a difference in how someone felt today . I’m depressed and randomly found this page on google . Sitting in my room crying and don’t know who to talk to meanwhile I have my husband and family next door . How can someone be surrounded with people and still be really lonely ? Anyway , I just want to thank you for making me feel better and knowing that my problems are small compared to what you’re going through . Thank you for making me appreciate life and be grateful .
MeRobin says
I feel like you do. I have 3 children who have their lives and do not have time or most likely want to spend time with me. My life is over. I’m on retirement disability and do not feel well many days. I hate the shell of a person that I have become. I have lost hope in my ability to be with or around others and stay home by myself. I don’t want to get out of bed, but I force myself because I don’t want to be a physical burden on my children. I long for someone to talk to or communicate with. I never really had parents or family and have been on my own for so long. I think that this world is not meant for some of us and that I don’t physically or mentally fit anywhere. I want yo leave, so I am not a burden to my family. But I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I would welcome direct messaging so I can support others in similar circumstances. Please please reply to me. No one has talked to me in many days and I long for any contact with another human.
Melu says
Hi Robin ,
I’m feeling better . What helped is to just get up and get out of the house . Doesn’t matter where you go . Or Just walk while ListenIng to your your favorite music . What I have also done in the last few weeks is changed my diet and added exercise . Just two weeks ago I witness a horrific accident. Two pedestrians were ran over by a drunk driver and instantly killed . That really changed my perspective in life . Life is short . Let’s not waste our short time on earth hiding , feeling horrible ourselves . They are support groups out there you can find . You can also reach me . Jenatea(@)Gmail.com . Please don’t give up !
Tracey says
You are a beautiful person and anyone would be lucky to call you a friend.
Sherry says
My heart tells me to tell you ” I love you for the beautiful and pure soul that you are”. You have displayed love and forgiveness in a way that we all should. I would give my life so yours’ could continue.
Rose Star says
OH my gosh. You write so beautifully. Amazing and articulate. YOU ARE A WRITER. Write a book about your life and then turn your life around and show in the book how people can overcome depression and anxiety. YOU CAN DO IT. I KNOW THAT. I love Dennis Semsik. I listen to him online every day. The Anxiety Guy. theanxietyguy.com
I know how it feels to be totally alone and no family and no friends. Only I am 67. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let a bump in the road take away your future. You have so much to look forward to. You can do it. You can be happy. Look for ways to HELP other people and that will give you purpose and WRITE THAT BOOK. You are gifted.
Gaynor says
I had no love or support from my own parents and so gave everything I never had to my three children, who turned out to be selfish, disrespectful and ungrateful. I went without and I’ve spent 22 yrs with a man who never cared whether I stayed or left.
J have no friends, not one. My sisters and parents are only interested in themselves.
Anti depressants keep me going, some shape. Life isn’t worth living.
Jo says
Gaynor, I sympathise with you and totally feel your pain. I too have 3 children I gave my everything too . After leaving an unhappy marriage 13 years ago and raising them unsupported I am proud of the job I did. I am however feeling completely unappreciated, severely depressed and lonely. My eldest daughter stopped speaking to me almost 2 years ago and refuses to say why. I have missed out on seeing my infant grandson and I feel like apart of me has died inside mourning the pain and grief. I have been through an abusive relationship since my divorce with a man I trusted that has messed me up in every way. I have a criminal record as a result for being framed for something I didn’t do and now can’t obtain any employment. I have no friends and feel suicidal. You are not alone in the way you feel. It’s scary and dark. My future feels bleak and uncertain. I feel betrayed by everyone and feel life has no purpose anymore. Jo
Anonymous says
i can relate but i wont…same story just a little diff….i came here looking for support and answers and have been looking for hours about the same questions….no one has any…seen some profesional pages and all they said was how to diagnose but even they had no answers…seems like were in the same place looking for answers…..my head is exploding now and an i wish i had some good advice but i cant find any….good luck in your search…holler if you find any answers
CB says
Your story sounds identical to mine my heart goes out to anyone going through this! I empathize with you it’s hard for ppl who haven’t gone through it understand.
MeRobin says
I also had 3 children whom I gave 95% of my time and money and energy to and am now alone because they have moved on in life and I have a chronic disease and am a burden to them. I’m very alone and it’s probably best because no one should have to be with me.
Anonymous says
You are not a burden to anyone!!remember that pls.you brought life into this world, you watched your children grow and looked after them when they needed you, it’s the way of life as you get older the children look after the parents.thats the way I’ve been brought up and respected.i ashure you that if you weren’t there they would miss you terribly and I know they love you.tell them how you feel and what you went through.no mother should be left alone as a good portion of our lives are with our children.its hard to adjust to being your own person again.read some books..I promise you, it will take a lot of the loneliness away xx
Anonymous says
I too brought up 3 children alone and gave them my all. Now they are all grown and have busy lives, I rarely see them. Sometimes a year can go by..I know they love me, but I have realised you can be the best parent and have children who dont really care much, or the worst parent with ones that adore you. I’ve seen it many times over. I’ve stopped trying to figure out why this is. I think overall everyone here has much in common, we care too much, are deeply sensitive and are taken advantage of because of it.
Nancy says
Its a cold and wet rainy day in January 2020. I wish I was not in despair and feeling hopeless because I have so much to be thankful for….except……..people in my life. I love socializing and the most oddest thing is I am now 62y and have no social life to speak of. I live away from my husband as we have for the past 12 years, we are friends but incompatible to live in the same home. I chose to live alone and it has been more difficult than having babies, I have two. To which each have their own lives and rightfully so just as I did. My mother passed away in June 2019 so I contribute some of my sadness to maybe depression, some to the weather, and some to the scary part of none of us are getting out of this world alive…I work from home 90% of the time, so that is another disadvantage. I have anxiety along with this and cannot for the life of me go out and meet other people. I find it terribly painful actually. I have four wonderful grand girls, I used to have them near me, but it was also painful due to my depression and anxiety so now they hang out with my daughter-in-law’s mom, a lot! My son barely calls me, he says he is doing life. My daughter texts me a lot, but doesn’t call often. The real fulfilling part of my life is my job, I love what I do. I have experienced loneliness a lot over the past 15 years but not coupled with depression which throws an entire new light on the issue of pain, not physical pain, but mentally. I hope to change the social part of my life soon…….and I wish each of you that also suffers these two things together find some light, hope, desires, and push through….
Anonymous says
Hey. Join a meetup group. There are a million of them. I joined one with people my age who go out to eat and then to a movie, club, or event afterward. I have a half-assed boyfriend with whom I have chemistry but a non-fulfilling relationship. He’s appealing to me but not emotionally available enough and not generous. I enrolled in graduate school to keep busy. I’m planning to buy a house with a yard and I’m going to adopt some cats and dogs. I’m Catholic. I pray a lot. I love my apartment and my solitude and when it gets boring, I go out into the city. NYC has so much to do for singletons. A lot of singles go to movies, libraries, restaurants and theaters alone. Oh, yeah there’s also travel tours for singles too. Get out there!!! I’m praying for you too!!!
jon says
i dont live in us how do you join a meetup group i feel like a an idiot asking about it ?
Anonymous says
Just google (meetup) groups in your area, a lot of groups with varying interest and times they meet will show up…age groups to your specific age.
For instance, hiking groups, happy hour groups, dining out, a lot of choices.
Rafa says
It’s an actual website, go to meetup.com
F says
How can this be called ‘no friends no life’ when the OP clearly has friends??
So many of these articles I’m reading online by people who have friends and just distance themselves or neglect the friendship for whatever reason.
Some of us simply don’t have ANY despite trying damned hard to connect to people.. It’s very frustrating
Nancy says
Well, maybe it was meant to say “acquaintances” Any who, I totally am on board with this comment. I am without friends that have time for me or live a distance away or are intangled in their own lives and relationships to give a rats butt about me. I have very little family because I think they are all crazy in which they probably think I am crazy as well. I might have a visitor in my home once a month, maybe! More like, once every three months. I am 62y. I lost my mom and best friend 7 months ago. I am so lonely and now depressed.
Irene says
Hi. I feel the same. I have a family thankfully but I still feel lonely and depressed. I do try to connect but find most people wrapped up in themselves. I’m 63 I try to stay active but it’s a struggle When I feel so empty. I never bother my adult children I feel it’s not fair.
You’re not alone so many of us feel the same way I hope you find a little something to feel better about.
A! says
You don’t bother your adult children, it’s not fair? Could you maybe invite them to join you for something and give them a chance to tell you that it’s too much of an unfair bother to accept any chance to spend tome with you? My mother used to worry about being a burden to the extent that ultimately she warped her thinking and behavior to where I became hurt and upset because she wouldn’t ever invite me to come visit her or take her anywhere, even though I told her over and over that I needed to know when a good time was (she always said I was always welcome and I should just call first but I could come anytime), and not feel like I was interrupting her when she might be ready for a nap or watching a tv show or ….and this is where I got my heart crushed except that I think she was also just getting old and tired and forgetfully unaware of her promises to call me and invite me over when it was convenient for her, but she never did call, and I began to feel and wonder if she just couldn’t bring herself to tell me she didn’t enjoy my company and didn’t want to see me. I think that actually became the case in her last years of life, because she lived with my single sister who my mom allowed to take care of her because my mom didn’t think her friend kids who were married without children should be burdened by her needs, which you might think a relief and that I’d be grateful to my sister…but my mom and sister became co dependent in an ultimately hurtful way to the rest of my siblings. My mom stopped reaching out to invite us to visit her because it was a burden for my sister since my mom was handicapped and my sister was a self made martyr. Anyway…yada yada…my point is…you aren’t doing your adult kids any favors making them think you don’t care to be in their lives and you certainly aren’t doing yourself any good with the thought that interacting with your kids is unfair and a bother. If you are so lonely and depressed that you can’t even go to lunch or have them over for half an hour for tea and a brief visit without somehow being unfairly bothersome, you need to get a counselor or pastor or life coach or someone right away who will help train you to do this very fundamental step in maintaining your relationship. I wonder if I’m off base here since you said you fortunately have family, but then you say you don’t want to bother them. You don’t need to unload all your depression on them, they migrate be like many friends and family are and have no clue how to help and then you just feel rejected. But you can be proactive to do normal things that aren’t too heavy for either of you and just keep something going. If seeing them regularly is already happening, then I guess this isn’t advice you need and I apologize. But if you are not finding uplifting moments from getting together with them, and they are willing…please don’t deny them and yourself because you think you’re a burden because you need to sometimes reveal your feelings. Keep it in smaller doses, but give them a chance at least, to show you how they react rather than assuming they will be put out by having to show you they care.
Anonymous says
Maybe like me, she did tell them how she felt, but then got accused of making them feel guilty.. when I get a call now, they only want to hear upbeat good news, they are not interested in my lonliness. I brought them up to be loving, caring, considerate and kind, and they are all these things, but just too busy for me. I will never understand it, but I have learnt not to express how much I want to see them. I have to wait till they decide. I would never have believed this could happen to me.
JT says
Its been a few months since I was in here but I hope everyone reading this finds some JOY and HAPPINESS during this Christmas Season! I don’t have any family and if anyone has read my one or two comments..Like many of you I was bullied and as much as I hate to even admit even in this anonymous world.. I don’t have anybody.
I’m 18 and someone how making enough money to pay rent on an apartment. This time of year is lonely. I just got home from my shift..I’ll sleep a few hours and then go to my second job. I do everything I can NOT to go home on this night. I’ll be pretty much exhausted when I get home tomorrow morning so I pass out fast and not have to think about all this.
I’m not bitter at anyone or my situation.As I’ve written before ..I know I’m a good person…. The stigma of being the kid from the poor side of town remains. I have been having good dreams lately.
If could have anything it would be someone to just talk to.A real friend would be nice..
Donna Marie says
Dear JT,
I just came across your post. I felt the need to reach out to you just to say hello and and as a mother of three I want to send you a really big hug! I am so sorry to hear that you do not have any family and feel you do not have “anyone.” Especially as an 18 year old. I am very proud of you for working so hard to pay for an apartment, etc. You sound more responsible than most 18 year olds today. You should feel very proud of yourself. I wonder if you might be able to have some kind of employee assistance program whereby you could access counseling that could be paid for. I think you need and deserve to have a professional to talk to regarding your bullying issues and your life. It could give you an opportunity to have someone to make plans step by step on how to connect with others and begin to build a life for yourself, creating your own family and friends. I pray that you can pursue this in the new year and look forward to a more supported, happier time. I wish the very best for you. Please know that God loves you and I love you and I am sure that many other people are just waiting to get to know you. God Bless!
DMV
David R says
Hey JT.
I just came across your post just now. For an 18 year old you sound incredible, out there in the real world taking ownership and responsibility, thats something that not many 18 year olds can do. I am just curious as to the nature of how you came about in transitioning to this way if life. As stated in your post, you came from the “poor side of town” which delineates a narrow passageway to success but somehow you are attaining, as small as you might think it is but you are doing it, making it happen and slowly but surely paving the way for your future success in life. What troubles me is how this all happened. Now you dont know me and i dont know you, personal information can always remain anonynous but curiosity in us humans, the ability to think logically in a sophisticated manner, has got the best of me. I just want to know, how did this all happen? Did you take the decision to move out on your own? Was it mental or physical abuse from family members that rendered you to seeking alternatives in your life? What kind of work do you do for a living? What are your shifts like? What was the environment that you was raised in?
Mind you, you dont have to answer but just know that it seeks like you feel as though you are stuck in a rut, going through a dismal part of your life right now, feeling maybe hopeless that day in and day out you have nothing to look forward to or that you are going through the same cycle of monotony. Life is not easy but you make the best of it and right now you are doing your best to make the best of it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this
David R
Hans says
Recently, I’ve come to understand how strongly my past has effected my character that I now. Sometimes denying my own happenings. I was raised in under a church, in a suburban life. I had family, friends and a community. I took them for granted, because I was born into it and life seemed… content. However when I was 16 I began to learn a great deal about life and its complexities. With new perspectives, doubts began to grow and with it, distance from those I cherished from the church and whom I thought at the time cherished me.
When I was 18 my father past unexpectedly, in an instant my life turned upside down and everything afterward seemed fractured beyond repair. I lost confidence in my church and became an Atheist. Not out of spite but because those doubts I had revealed to me my truth. That there is no control, that we can, at any moment leave this Earth and leave those we are connected to behind. Separating myself from that belief in turned separated me from those who still believed. Gradually, those relationships faded. People I would call brother and sister day after day, month after month, year after year; they were gone. Never to be heard from again. I feel into a hole, I felt, hollow. Yet, I made my choice. My family was of course resistant but soon I was learning at the university, allowed to speak my piece and my story without recourse. There I found a new community, rooted in learning, friendship, sex and vices. Opportunity seemed boundless and people were a plenty. To know other’s stories, learn from and understand their truth. That hollow feeling passed for a time. But I came in a transfer student and soon the community I was embraced in began to dwindle. My friends were moving on with their lives, new opportunities. That hollow feel began to creep back in and my confidence. I began to lie, creating ambitions that I would never fulfill, simply to incite interest and composure. Internally I was shaken to my core with self loathing and disappointed with myself from wasting my potential with the opportunities I had been given. I took up a job that was given, because it was easy. I kept that job because it was either move to the big city or give up and move with my family West where the church was inescapable. I wanted so many things then, but was torn by the depression I felt for all the time wasted not working towards anything I turned wanted. Hollow once more I find myself in a small room, 11 years after my fathers death still mourning his ghost looking upon me with shame for what I have become. I was given life without choice and chose nothing but to ride the wave of convenience with it. I attached myself to my vices and entertainment to distract me, all the while no longer learning or evolving. The past 11 years I have grown slowly without true experiences of Love or growth, any moment of uncomfortableness would lead me retreat. I question everything I do and say and regret it once it is out in the world. To say this relevant to anyone in my life right now would induce me to shame myself internally for being vulnerable or opening up. Now I find myself in debt to schools and credits, a slave to work until my debt it paid because of my actions. My attitude leads no one to confide with me any longer, my time is good to no one and I am contemplate my own goodness. I forgot I was suppose to meet my grandmother today, I drunkenly told a husband I would sleep with his wife, I buy compulsively and have shelves of brand new books I’ve never read. I feel like this person who I thought I was is unraveling and what lies underneath is a poor excuse for a person in a world so desperate for good. I’m not sure where my point is going with any of this but I don’t feel so hollow anymore. Merely lost in a city of millions, with no one to confide in but my thoughts and I never like what they have to say. Sometimes I feel mad or foolish for believing I was ever capable of anything, weak of will and body. Putting on a facade to survive, not to thrive. From all I’ve learned in the past and all my experiences I still do no learn.
Dennis says
I understand a lot of what you’re going through. I hope that things get better, I really do. I also left a comment here, describing what I’m going through. There are so many lonely people in the world, that it’s amazingly surprising. People don’t socialize anymore. I learned pretty quickly, the hard way that people have their own friends and family, and very rarely step out of that Circle of friends and family that they have. If they meet anybody new, it’s always somebody that they were introduced to by one of those friends or family members that’s already in their lives. People don’t seem to step out, they don’t seem to want to hang out, make friends with people that they actually don’t know. It’s a shame. Also, a person that doesn’t have money, or transportation, is totally ignored, and just the lack of those two things, can assure somebody that they’re going to be lonely and by by themself. It’s a dirty rotten shame!
nikolai says
I’m sorry for what is happing. I see a lot of myself in what you describe. Hollow and shallow by lofty goals. no real achievements. Yet it’s quite good actually. Most don’t have goals or big dreams. Most don’t have an crippling critic inside them. Everyone has a critic. Rarely is it crippling you into a state of depression. For me it is. For us, if I might say so.
Nothing is ever good enough. Neither I’m to myself, nor anyone to me. And this realization creates even more spite which in turn puts you into a frenzy of anger and self hatred. It’s a vicious cycle of mental and emotional violence.
For me these issues only subside when I do one of the following things: actually oblige to my inner critic and get up early, work out, then read, then do music, then eat healthy etc. etc. etc. OR simply do what I love or what is nurturing me. This can get out of balance too, of course. But that’s life like for most without crippling anxiety, depression or what have you.
Simply settling for less means exactly that. Settling for less and being unhappy. But settling for things that give heartfelt joy and love is something else entirely.
I hope my words don’t strike you as foolish or ignorant. I don’t pretend to understand you nor am I in the same position. But I see similarities. And therefor a similar approach to my betterment may help you.
Im writing this at work. Having slept only for 2 hours after again exploding inside yesterday evening and keeping me up all night. Life is a shitshow. It’s evil. But things like love and joy exist. It’s for us to CREATE.
Anonymous says
Hans, im a christian, and going through so mych deep pain depression, spiritually, and more, and thought relocating, from country to city to blend in meet others.( id prob. Be saying same thing if there) I still trust, love Jesus, but so hurt ny shunning from a church, a few ive met, i understand what your saying in another way. Those i cherished, turned, gossiped, i understand none of us are perfect, but… im afraid to keep typing…i wont stop from start to end. Then i sound crazy, so ive been told by negative hateful people that were…in my life, it angers and hurts upsets makes me sad, that Jesus God nothing like that!!!holy spirit deals alone w us, others have no right abusing or shaming, im one to beat myself up for any, and everything out of my control, there was a few that used that weakness blaming myself , fir anything, when i shouldnt!.satan enemy, who wants you , me anyonee,to feel ” false guilt” not any kind from God, whose loving, kind, forgiving, merciful, ect. Jesus paid it all.. Hes gentle loves you wants you to know that, love u and thank you encouragement for me. Ibeen isolated, and depressed alone too long. Miss others, but turned off a bit from a few in past from a church, God wouldn’t… want, for anyone.tnx hans 4 sharing. Jesus luvs u dearly never forget that..hes kind…not…cruel…i hope you forgive i let u no that, it touched my heart thats felt dead from heartache a long time.
Anonymous says
i have no life or friends how can you help me become a better person and is not alone
jennifer says
im new here wear im currently at ive been here 2 months in Colorado springs but I don’t no people here jus my parents not that their not important cuz they are but socially I haven’t been around to meet many people here but I think if your sad or depressed an feeling blue maybe we could go have a brunch or even a drink if you drink socially I no a number of really cool places to go 2 but I haven’t been yet cuz I never wanted to go alone eather so never fret theres tuns to do here maybe if you like we can talk an hang out sometime never b sad you just have 2 find the right people who dig on the same stuff that u do an ask an tonight was the first time I saw this web page an im actually glade I saw it cuz now im not the only person alone but guess wat tonight me an sum I got shared something really important it was a shooting star an guess wat I saw this page so now my solar system is way bigger now theres room 4 even more so never b sad ok
Anonlost says
I’ve been indicted of a horrible crime which I did not commit. Because of this though I have lost all the closest friends in my life. Although my wife has shown signs that she believes me on this I know she still has her doubts. Because of other previous transgressions (which I do admit to only 1 incident, which was NOT illegal, but was unfaithful) she has told me whatever the outcome at court that we are done. I admit that I have not been the perfect husband but I truly do love her and the life we have built together. Without her I am nothing and feel there is no purpose. I am optimistic about my trial but either way I lose. If I am unable to successfully prove my innocence I go to jail and everything I have now is lost. If I am successful at trial I still lose. My family will be gone, my friends are already gone. I have nothing to look forward to. The thought of ending it all before trial has come to mind but then my accusers will get the sense that because I did something like that they were right about me all along, which isn’t the case. I guess that is the only thing keeping me going at this point so I can prove them wrong…….but when I do, then what? What will I have after that? Any way I look at it is just a lost cause. I have never battled with depression but now it seems it’s my only closest “friend”. It’s always there, it’s always on my mind, it’s always reminding me that all hope is lost. The more I confide in this “friend” the more it slaps me in the face and beats me down. Each time when I think I’m taking a step forward this “friend” is right there to pull the rug from underneath me and kick me back even further. Any way I look at it, no matter how much time I have left on this rock, I know I am going to be carrying the weight of this “friend” on my back. As every day passes that weight gets heavier and heavier and is currently almost to the point where I can’t bear it any longer. That day will come soon enough – whatever the final verdict comes out to be will undoubtedly be that last straw that broke this camel’s back. Right now that is the only hope that I have and am looking forward to, when I can finally be done with all this misery.
Emily G. says
TELL YOUR WIFE YOU LOVE HER. Show her signs. If you cheated, if that’s what this is, get rid of social media, change your number, don’t contact that person again. WRITE HER A LETTER. Women love letters. Especially romantic handwritten ones. Leave it on her pillow. Let her know you’ll always love her even if she leaves. But also let her know you’ll never want her to. And if she does let her know you’ll want her to come back. Everything sweet you said about building a life with her here, say in that letter. Write the sweet things but make it truthful and in your own words. Even the “I don’t like cheesy stuff” type of women like it sometimes. Show it. Do things. Help clean the house. Cook. Let her know. Let her know everything. The crime? I’m glad she believes it isn’t you but tell her again. Tell her everything from your heart. If she does stay, the relationship will be changed for sure. But it gets better in time.
Dennis says
Il turned 65 on September 2,(2019).. I was disgnosed Bipolar in 1980..ive been unemployable only because of a sleep disorder and inability to follow instructions when under tension..i go into panic attack mode inside st the very onset of being put in responsible expectations mode..of course this always caused unjust accusations of laziness and much worse..i grew up collecting music since 5 years old so i am insanely in love with music but not so much of the current stuff.i have no friends and havent had à best or even a good friend since 1997..only acqusintances..i really am hurting inside ..i have thé mindset and thinking of à much younger man..i have NEVER felt thé progression of age..of getting getting older..i have no aches,no pains,no respiratory problems,absolutely NONE of the symptoms commonly related to thé aging process. I run with my dog everyday and love walking a quarter of a mile to the family dollar store ..trust me,.im NOT bragging. ..in fact. I attributs my health To thé fact I’m à Christian and fully trust in Gods promise of healing and wellness ..also I’ve been taking supplements like spirulina,chlorella,vitamin b+ and nutritional yeast flakes..I realize i sound like an advertisement..but while i crédit my good health to God and supplrments,my life has been nothing but lonliness and horrible depression for thé past several years.i was hanging out with younger people for many years,due To my younger thinking and younger appearance…but once à 40_ish look graced my daily apparence,younger folk were SUDDENLY not driven to meet me or to even get To know me.. and people my age are not thé least bit interested in watching 80’s and 90’s music videos for hours st a time or at ALL for that matter!! And that’s my favorite pass time..I’d rather sit in front of my 49 INCH TV with my surround sound speakers,reliving thé 80’s through music videos than go fishing,building à book case or refinishing some pièce of furniture..(what thé heck happens to people that they turn senior and start doing weird stuff like that all thé time???) I love music videos of thé 80,and 90’s era(EXCEPT rap and hip hop) and I love playing around with CB radios..my Cousin and. I ,we’re night people, we slept days,awake all night and we used to,drive around all hours of the night talking to each other on the CB and watch music videos and play video games most all night and hit coffee shops through the night too..i still love doing those things but I’ve been doing them alone now for years.. but some things have changed.. I haven’t had transportation for years..im extremely lonely..i have my 11 year old dog who is just beginning to slow down and show his age now..I’m losing the ability to be happy..i need a best friend,somebody who needs one as much as I do..but also who enjoys watching music videos,playing video games and well..playing..having fun like when younger..i don’t understand what’s happened to people my age..they gravitated to a level from playing board games and enjoying music and having fun to..varnishing furniture?? Wood csrving?? Sitting in their easy chair and falling asleep watching thé Andy Griffin show or Burns and Allen reruns?? I don’t get it..i really need a friend who is a Christian bit also isn’t legalistic to the point of minimalism..i enjoy tv shows like the good place and schitts creek and the Mist,etc I have Roku and Amazon echo and love the current technology..i really need somebody in my life who shares my interests..i love my dog but he isn’t catching on to my video games.and keeps dropping the controller.but seriously,I’m so depressed .I have tried online forums to meet people with my interests..not one single person in the 10 plus years that I’ve been looking..not one..many problem people have replied though..those that are still into drugs,going to live concerts ..people my age but who are are still tokin’ and getting stupid on weed ..that’s too extreme for me..i love 80s and 90’s music videos and cruising to coffee shops all hours of the night and doing video games like Nintendo,genesis and PlayStation and PC games..but not the doping and drinking..i don’t expect to find anyone here who shares my interests,but I have no other choice but to try by leaving posts on as many sites as possible..i don’t know how else to find a connection if there’s somebody out there..have never run in to anyone in public who shares my interests..im deeply depressed..i need to hang someone who loves having fun still..not employed who can hang out nights..i live in East Tawakoni Texas.My email is DJTEEL [at] GMX [dot] COM that’s the email I leave on sites where I’m hoping. to meet someone.(ie, I’m not leaving an email address irresponsibly..)..thanks for reading..
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Anonymous says
I’m lonely too my husband left me after cancer surgery, I have withdrawn myself to my house. My son borrow my car and lost it about 8 months ago and now I can’t get to the grocery store which one I did go I felt like everything was closing in on me but I assumed that was from being an isolated area with applies by myself which I wanted. I have faced the fact that I will die alone I am 46, my choice of college was medical that with the cancer and living in another state it took everything I had now I’m on disability and living in Kentucky where I can afford rent. I took budgeting classes but all in all what is there 2 budget so why would anyone want me as a friend then I desperately need and want so I don’t even think about a partner what’s the use who would want me Harry and I hope you get everything in order and your life gets in a point to where you have nothing but full happiness ! Include God hair practices with him it’s where you find your inner peace and happiness and I have started back in church on Sunday mornings anyway to I charge of 30 people at most! I know I have anxiety but as why doctors do not want to treat it I’ll never know they did once I got married I went to amusement parks I went swimming I was happy I did something every day of my life was wonderful then I got cancer I don’t have it anymore my husband is gone and I moved to this area and they will not prescribe my medication so I do all the other steps that I did to get to where I was at to be happy the dying alone is a fear itself and when you can’t leave your doors because you know you have no friends if you broke down or got in and predicted there would be no one there. I could go on and on about how bad my life is just be grateful how yours is.I’m wake up every day and give thanks for the roof over my head in the food in my stomach and I have a little dog I’m grateful for those things. I know that a whole lot more since my son lost my car he bought him a new one well a couple years old. he never said he was sorry or never offers me a ride and sometimes I wonder because I have no friends how well I eat so just be grateful that your loss is better than most that’s what I do that’s all I can do oh, I think that I should start and if I had the money to I would start a site that focuses on things like this. Dating sites if you are on almost not perfect then no one that wants nothing to do with you so I don’t even try them. Being single since my like 30s and now I’m getting into my like 40s I have to say worries me I want to blame everything on depression I know you don’t like what’s going on around what it is what it is and there is no night and shining armor is willing to step in I’m not as severe case I’m just an unseen person! SS in may all of you find the inner peace you’re looking for!
danny says
All the people I just finished high school with are all starting college.. Once word got out that i had done terrible on the entrance exams my sad situation only got worse.bullied..picked on made fun of…I tried very hard but as ive been told lots of times the world needs ditch diggers…i just wanted my mom and dad to be proud of me for something..there’s nothing I can point to for them to be proud of…. I don’t have any value…
Karen says
College isn’t for everyone. You just need to find where your strengths are. Have you been tested by a career counselor to see where your strengths are? I wish I had done that when I was younger. I’m in my 60’s now. I went to college, but didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I pursued a degree that didn’t mean anything to me. Years later I found out I love to transcribe. But it didn’t work out like I wanted it to. So don’t give up. You have your whole life in front of you.
Emily G. says
Go to a trade school. Any of the trades pay a lot nowadays because not many people do them anymore. Everyone’s “going to college” so. Yeah it’s manual labor but worth it.
Ron says
I am 67 retired and live alone and have no friends and my family is non-existent. I would love to have one friend to confide in and see once in awhile just to talk. I am trying to move to a senior facility and hopefully meet a few friends there, that is if I can afford to move. I read a lot of articles and it seems like a lot are in similar situations as I am. I wish the best for all of you.
Theta says
Ron: I also share the same age and circumstances.
It is frightening to be this age, this isolated and alone in life.
Hopefully some of us can keep in communication/support herein.
I’m wishing the best for you as well.
Steve says
Hi Ron
I am 72 and desperately lonely with nothing to do all day. I have no family or friends and went out with a woman when this first started but I needed to rely on her as I felt so ill but kept calling her which got her down and we hardly see each other now. She doesn’t undrstand as she has got a job. Isn’t it a long day and it gets on your mind so much I can’t sleep wheareas for a while a few years back I took sleeping pills whoch put me to slepp straight away and when you are asleep you are not lonely and it kills part of the day but I started taking so many that I became addicted and they didn’t work anymore so I lost my last refuge. I am now awake 24 hours a day and am going mad. I can’t stand the slightest stress and I find lately one thing after another is happening to make me feel even worse. I am totally exhausted. I spend most of my time in bed. in a terrible state.
Nancy says
Hi my name is Nancy. I am 69 years old, and I don’t have any friends. Two of my children have passed away. I am very sad. I have always wanted a real friend. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to communicate with. I am so alone.
Dennis says
Senior pat complexes like. 55plus are really nice. They’re generally quiet 24/7 and everybody is inside by sundown, you don’t hear loud boom boxes, people driving in all hours of the night, etcetera. The only drawback that I ever found, is that I’ve never yet seen a senior citizen apartment complex that had any kind of decent soundproofing in the walls. I could always hear my neighbor sneezing, coughing and could always hear when they had visitors. Knowing that I could also be heard that easily, made me feel self-conscious a lot of the time that I lived there. But if I were able to I’d move right back into a senior apartment complex. More advantages than disadvantages for sure.
Jo says
I feel isolated and life is hard enough so when I reach out & try interact and when there isn’t a reply for a couple days, I end up frustrated about my life challenges & not hearing back from my friend.
Ronnie says
Hi I appreciated this blog I have been reclusive solitary alone for long time. I am only child estranged from malignant narcissist mother. Thirty year on SSDI last LTR ending in domestic violence 5/93 last girlfriend FWB broke it off 2/14/04. Went into psychotherapy 8/03 and she messed me up 3/17/16 and completely sabotaged 15 years therapy 12/31/8. She lied 3/17/26 said twelve unwanted celibate years and a diagnosis untreated major depression was dangerous crisis needed to end celibacy ASAP normal outcome couple years not twelve would be murder and or suicide. Then a TED talk styled appointment about Healthy Sex Life and Sex Positivity. 1988 mental ilness began after serious suicide attempts over same sex encounters with men as male prostitute being heterosexual not flexible fluid bisexual or confused or in denial as demonic monsters imply because they lack conscience, empathy and capacity to be honest. I ended celibacy with men not preference but trusting therapist of thirteen years and she gaslighted me and triangulated with newer psychiatrist who SOCE sex orientation change effort me to be Bisexual when heterosexual. Gaslighting got worse over events ending celibacy and I was propositioned for male prostitution by senior from first AA meeting 7/3/96 and lost 21 years clean and sober after he humiliated me with filthy stinking rotten genitalia. I smoked $4K of crack between 9/29/17—1/15/18 $100 a night trying to brain stroke . Last so called friend visited 30 days clean to relapse so 2/17/19 one year clean crack 7/3/18 22 years and nine months abstinence from alcohol, 6 years no cigarettes. 2/4/19 therapist and psychiatrist pulled from case this Wednesday appointment with medical director of mental health clinic I have gone to since 8/03 . I haven’t wanted to use YMCA membership got in 10/18 or be around people because of betrayal scared I will assualt kill someone stay home get groceries and Crystal for harm reduction Hope psychotherapy sessions with Psychiatrist and Medical director help me and I go back with therapist that hurt me I am going to push aside what happened no filed complaints let statute limitations run out three years. I am still having same sex encounters and ended Heterosexual celibacy 1/11/19 25 year old Blonde asked me to come up her SRO for quickie seen her in March and beginning of this month I am not practicing Christian but so much deception about Mindfulness Yoga REIKI secular/Contemplative Prayer Christ Consciousness, Kundalini, Spiritual Formation Interfaith, Revival, Awakening in Christianity I believe don’t follow Christ and See Evil Wickedness and the invasion of the body snatchers quality of ” oneness” Enlightened crowd which makes me feel smart and stable being reclusive. I will give it 100% with appointmens with Doctor and try to get out in YMCA and make new friends.
Anonymous says
I did not start to get depressed and lonely until 1 year after my divorce, odd I was so ready for it to be over. I live far from work, don’t have time to get out n mingle, too tired, I try dating sites but though I get a lot of potentials , I don’t have the time to invest into a relationship because of my job. When I am working I enjoy it, but when I get home to an empty house( 6 bedroom) it starts to get to me , I really only have 3 hours a day to do anything.
Cath says
I find it especially tough when I do housework and I feel like complaining and a lot of times I can’t talk to anyone closest to me in the same household. My opinion just doesn’t matter at all a lot of the time. So I often isolate myself. It about did me in last month.
Cath says
it gets to me too. I have had times when I really don’t feel close to anybody. I really don’t. There’s this oppressive feeling I get that it’ll last a while and I might as well ‘enjoy’ how I’m feeling. I feel like giving up. I’d like to unsubscribe from this forum. I don’t know how.
Anomnyous says
Im alone 24/7 do the same thimg everyday wait fir next day to doit all over again . I have no car no friends no family. Im 55 the only time i go out is when i have dr.apts . Have no spending money on disability pay rent n phn and im btoke. I csnt do this tje rest of my life thid isnt living its surving. I sleep most of the day . I dont know what im doing here my mom died in 2016 mu life ended that dsy ill never be happy she was my best friend in the world. What im to do the rest of my life do this nithing nothing just be alone till i die..i cry ask god what is his plan for me to reveal what im to do in my life.im scared to live to be old be in nursing home till my life ends
Stephanie says
I also have the same circumstances. I never thought this is where I’d be. Now I don’t have any interest in doing anything. If I could sleep all day, every day, I would.
louise says
Hi anonymous
How are you I to iam so lonely have been most of m life I was born with a disability which has gone worse over the years and I have home help now. I don’t drive and cant walk far need help even to get out side which I Hate but that’s how my life goes I can write to you if you like.
Louise.
Cath says
I’m wondering if it’s time to put my elderly father in a nursing home. His mind has begun to go. The sad thing is, he has been accusing me of little things which are made up and totally false. I’m wondering if I should get far away to protect myself. I’m starting to think that he’s beginning the ‘dying’ process. It seems like he has gotten meaner every year.
H. says
The false accusations, suspicions, suddenly becoming mean, etc. are a very common symptom of incipient dementia/Alzheimer’s. Don’t take it personally – the poor man is losing himself and feels helpless about it.
Cath says
Actually I’ve been dealing with this for the last several years and it has never been harder on me before. I’ve had to seek out support because I just feel very much alone. I don’t go out or visit much. I can’t just get away no matter how much I wish I could.
Cath says
Only in the last month have I been able to get out a bit more. Well, the weather got better. Thank God it quit raining here for once since it’s April now. Yesterday the weather was so wonderful. I was thankful I was able to get out of the house. I had to get away. I’m with my elderly father whose mind is beginning to deteriorate. The sad thing is, he has started to accuse me of little things. I’m wondering if I should get away and protect myself. Should I? I should leave him probably. When is it time to put a person in a nursing home?
H. says
Would he have left you if or when you were vulnerable and unable to fend for yourself?
It’s your life, obviously; but I think it is a thought worth considering.
Cath says
No, I don’t think so if it had been years ago but now he has dementia. I think that maybe I was acting out of fear.
Cath says
it might help for instance if you can go to your local church or a women’s shelter or maybe a restraining order if there’s evidence. Also, it might take courage to leave him but you might try it. besides, maybe it would be better if you went away and he has no way of finding you. Maybe it’ll teach him he can’t control another person. Also, if you have a way of borrowing money maybe that would help too. If you have a friend, Tiffany, It might help to live with one of your friends if one will take you in or a women’s shelter if it’s bad enough. I know exactly what it is to be in a toxic relationship. Escape is sometimes the best thing to do. I’m sorry to say it might be hard to think of having to leave the home you lived in all those years especially if it’s a very nice one. It might help to provide evidence through a hidden camera recordings. Pictures might be too dangerous cause then it could escalate. God does love you and it can sure help to pray to God and ask him what you should do in your case. I have done that a lot over the years. Reading the Bible can help. I hope you have one. I would do both of these things and take action now to get away if you can. Please know that God will get you through all this. I know he can do that for you if he did that for me.
Tiffany says
Everything you have written is exactly my experience. This is my life within a 25 year, bad marriage. The relationship has been nonexistent for at least 12 years and I feel paralyzed to move forward and get out. I know it would be best but the depression has me petrified. He is passive aggressive, controlling and I am also afraid of what he might do. I can’t even rescue myself. What would I do? Where would I go? How would I be able to work to take care of myself?
Cath says
Elijah, it sounds like maybe we both need prayer. I do admit it has been hard for me too even though I pray to God and read the Bible. I’m just persevering. I have had an obsession with end time prophetic dreams and a few people who have had dreams of Jesus coming back in 2020. This year 2019 has been tough on me so far but I have told myself to persevere to 2020. That has helped a bit with my discouragement. I thought I would put this out there. Your situation seems quite sad. I found out that depression in a situation like this can be debilitating. Friendship can be tough to find especially after high school. Having a plan for life can help. Otherwise life can seem fairly meaningless without some kind of plan especially without a friend to talk to. Hobbies are important. Cannabis can really worsen depression if you stop it abruptly. Too much of it can get you a trip to the ER not mentioning the expense of an ER visit. Not being able to go anywhere can be pretty tough on a grown person who may or may not have a driver’s license. Are you able to go anywhere much with young people? It is important. I have seen how important it is to be with people your age besides your parents. It seems like you can’t have much fun by yourself unless you’re able to book a cruise or plan a vacation far away like Hawaii. Btw, I’m not able to do that. I wish I could sometimes. I’d love to say that God is love and I hope you really do find God. God doesn’t think you’re a throwaway. He thinks you’re wonderful. In the Bible it says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. It can be hard to feel God loves you when you don’t have a person to talk to. I hope to pray for you and I hope you find the peace of God for yourself.
Cath says
I just feel dead inside like it wouldn’t matter if I got good news or bad news. I’ve gotten to the point that if I get anything good in life, it must have been a stroke of good luck, not because God helped me. It’s gotten to the point that my desire for companionship has kind of died.
Elijah says
Hello, Cath. I hope that things are looking a little better for you now. A DuckDuckGo search for “no friends” brought me here–and that’s quite out of the ordinary for me. I’ve been stuck with this annoying prick that’s been living inside of my head since I was something like 14 and began to see the real world. Referring to myself here in jest, I don’t hear voices. I’m twenty-three now; I have no friends, and no contact with any family members aside from my parents. This last comment you made, I read the others, too, stood out to me. It wasn’t until late last year when I began vaporizing cannabis (California resident) that I could even begin to fathom the depths of my depression. Like you, I had become desensitized to reality… thoroughly dead inside… but presumably for very different reasons. Having temporarily lost access to cannabis, I again am struck with pangs of depression.
After having seen what you wrote, I felt an, albeit small, connection with you. I think it’s a real shame that out of all the comments I have read so far that you and others have left, not one person has offered even anonymized contact details to initiate a potential friendship. I guess that’s understandable, given where we are. I assume many of us outcasts have trust issues, trouble comprehending the actions and intentions of others, and etc.. I, for one, struggle with all of that and more. [ … ]. You, or anyone else who reads this that needs someone to talk to, can contact me at throwaway52242 [at] gmail [dot] com.
[ … ] The despair, the endless chasm that is loneliness, the joylessness, and losing your sense of humor… I’ve felt it all–and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try to put this phase of my life behind me for good.
Cath says
Thanks Asher, for praying for me. I hope I do find my purpose for being here, but I’m getting the feeling I’ll have to wait a while still. Sometimes I feel like my suffering is wasted. Here I planned something nice for my dad but unfortunately, he has had a cold and lucky to be getting over it. The sad thing is, he is really miserable on top of it and taking it out on me and I had to walk away. I really feel alone and I feel maybe if I wait for summer, then my outlook would be better. I wish so badly I could leave the place and not come back.
Cath says
I’m finding my loneliness hard to bear. The trouble is I’m constantly having to experience something new to feel good about life. The trouble is the more alone you are, the more you have to vary your activities. Feeling worthless has become normal to me. I’ve tried praying and reading the Bible. It doesn’t always seem to help. Why? Because well you still need people. I felt in the last month that I was told by God that my outlook on life would improve come spring and summer. I haven’t been able to get out much with all the rather unsafe winter weather. I wish I could just laugh. It seems like a lot of my laughter and joy has dissipated. I’ve had bad days and it seems like they color my existence. The bad days seem to prove that I’m destined for a life of being alone.
Eviee says
I feel the way you do, to the point of just giving up on what’s left with my existence. I am 61 years old, no friends or family per say.
Anonymous says
I’ve tried praying to God and reading the Bible concerning the excruciating loneliness I often feel and it seems like that my despair will never lift no matter how hard I try.
Cath says
It seems like I’ll always be alone. never mattering much to anyone but me. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I pray, it’s always the same and I’ve kind of resigned to that fact that there isn’t much hope. It seems I’ll never have someone to pick me up when I’m down. If I do, it’d be a stroke of good luck showing up. I have battled feelings of worthlessness and it seems they’ll stick around for a while. unless I happen to have some. It has seemed normal for some time and no signs of letting up.
Cath says
I still don’t have friends to spend time with. I spend most of the time hardly interacting. My outlook seems terrible right now. I get tired of feeling hurt. I’m lucky if I smile or laugh. Lately it seems I’ve had more bad days than good days. It seems like I have spent more time fighting and keeping the peace than having a good time. I wish so much I was having a good time. I wish I could see myself a better person but part of me doubts I’ll see it soon.
Serena says
To be honest…maybe you could try to get some help from a counsellor? or someone to advise you on how to take care of your dad because it seems like you are under a lot of stress…I hope things get better for you soon