I’ve often described the way depression can break up close relationships, but does the illness explain everything? How responsible are depressed partners for the human cost that others pay because of what they do when they’re ill?
One reader told me I’d confused her about this. First, I talked about depression taking over someone, as it had done to her husband. The angry stranger he became was the opposite of the man she had married. He became remote, blamed her for everything and left for a time.
Depression can do that. If it’s treated effectively and goes away, however, it might be possible for the old, familiar person to return and the couple to get close to each other again.
It seemed to her that I was putting all the blame on depression, as if the couple had been hurt by flying debris in a tornado and then could heal their wounds after the storm had passed.
Thinking about her partner’s leaving and coming back made more sense to her when explained as the impact of a destructive illness. It wasn’t really him acting in those terrible ways but an inner monster that was driving his behavior and twisting his thoughts. To some extent, that’s true, and I have often described it that way.
But I’ve also talked about the responsibility of recovering partners to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. They were the ones who acted abusively, had affairs, left home without a word, then returned and apologized, then left again – or did other things just as destructive to their families.
When I talked about depressed partners in that way, she thought I couldn’t empathize with her returning husband. He was back, full of remorse and trying with her to restore the relationship. It sounded to her like I was blaming him, after all, rather than his depression.
I know it’s confusing, but this isn’t an either/or choice. Depression causes the changes in behavior, even personality, but depressed partners still need to own up to the damage and pain their actions have brought about. I believe that is an important part of recovery.
It’s such a complicated and sensitive thing to talk about – especially when answering a question from someone who is trying so hard right now to understand what happened.
Though I’ve written about this before, I doubt I’ve ever hit the right balance in describing the way I see it. And, of course, the way I see it only comes out of my experience and won’t necessarily match what others are going through.
Depressed partners can’t simply put the blame on their illness, assure their partners that all the hurtful behavior wasn’t aimed at them and expect that everything will get back to the way it used to be.
I know that doesn’t work because I used to think that way. After a long spell of sullen withdrawal, feeling like my wife was to blame, wanting to get away, I’d snap out of it and be responsive and loving again. I’d feel deeply remorseful but explain what had happened with words like these:
You have to understand that it wasn’t about you. It was all about depression and what was going on inside me.
That was sincere but didn’t help much. Both of us wanted to believe that I was back, and that we could pick up where we had left off. However, things weren’t really the same at all.
Before long, I’d get depressed again, then come out of it, offer the same explanation and feel the same remorse. My wife couldn’t accept that explanation after the first couple of episodes.
She’d tell me:
How can you say it wasn’t personal? You did this to me not to a shadow in your head. How am I supposed to trust you now? I never know who you’ll be from one day to the next.
Saying it was all depression wouldn’t cut it. I had to accept the reality that I had done deeply hurtful things to her. I had to own up to what I had done, get help and work with her to restore trust.
I also had to face her anger. That wasn’t easy for her to express, and it sure wasn’t easy for me to hear. With the help of a therapist, she could get it all out, and I could sit there and take it without trying to fight her off or get angry in return.
What I had done really sank in then. For the next day or two I felt a deep grief. My eyes were clouded with tears much of that time. That’s when I fully grasped the emotional impact on my wife and kids and could see in bright sunlight how much I had put at risk.
After that, I could never again rely on the idea that depression alone had done the harm. It did its work through me and my behavior. I had to learn how to live with the illness and limit the damage I might do to my family while under its influence.
Worrying about what the cause was, who or what is to blame, isn’t going to help much. What happened is done and can’t be undone. Yes, depression will change behavior in drastic ways, but treating it successfully doesn’t bring a relationship back to what it had been.
I put it this way in another post about broken relationships:
… the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
It’s a great thing when a relationship can adapt to the impact of depression and survive. Many don’t, especially when the illness keeps coming back. There’s a lot anger, hurt and broken trust to deal with, and treating the illness of one person won’t do it for you.
That’s been my experience. Has it turned out differently for you?
I became pretty deeply depressed last summer when I finally discovered the root cause of many of my issues: enmeshment. My partner promised to stick with me while I fought through things, but then a few weeks ago she said that she couldn’t do it anymore. She’s now moved out and swears she’ll never be back.
She got exhausted by my depression dragging her down. She got tired of our relationship revolving around managing my depression. I go to therapy and take medications, but I wasn’t fighting the illness the way she wanted me to. For a long time I thought she simply didn’t understand; now I’m left to wonder if it was really that she didn’t care.
I thought the relationship was going to last for the rest of my life. Now I’m facing the prospect of completely recreating who I think I am.
This is such an awful cycle… I have ADHD and struggle with my own depression from the trauma of an alcoholic family. It’s hard because all I want to do is punish myself for being stupid enough to fall in love with a depressed man. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years – I feel every sting of the seperate lives. We lived together for a year and I nearly drowned with him. He can never let us be happy or have fun unless it was when he was in the mood. It killed and hurt my soul to see him “happy” to see other people but I always get the short end of the stick. I don’t get gifts, dates that I enjoy, or even my emotional needs met. I feel like I get to witness the pod person watching the same 5 channels, occasionally get these incredibly deep lucid bursts of love making, fun , his great jokes …teasers of an amazing relationship.
I feel sick because I am so aware of my codependency that I make myself crazy . I want to punish myself everytime I make a concessions to this stupid disease with my wonderful ability to see “both sides of the story”. Because I am a mental health paraprofessional I feel like I should know better. It’s like a whiplash – I’ve gone through YEARS of therapy to get to the point where I could voice my concerns, needs, and wants, and the first relationship I get into after 7 years of staying single is with someone that those coping mechanisms don’t even work on. Then you try to practice this god-like love, where you accept that you chose to unconditionally love this person and see the blessing for what it was when you had it. It drives you nuts because you keep trying when you need to just stop. I moved back with my family this month after 10 months of feeling dragged into the darkness. At best I feel like I am consciously uncoupling from the minefield of sorting what is mine and what is his. I love him so much and if he could be there for me like I need, I would have married him if he asked me. I’m 29, he’s 30 – and I look at him and only see a dying old man. I’ve said ugly things like …Just die then if you hate life so much. It twists and manipulates the way I even express love. The act of cooking or even going out of my way to his house because he can’t muster the energy to come see me wrenches an apocalyptic battle of “this is the only way you will see him” vs the classic Push-Pull dynamic power struggle of “I think you are manipulating me – F you!!!!” I have no hope for anybody dealing with this level of depression. I suggested therapy and everything, doesn’t wanna go … In my head, I’m slowly letting the relationship choke out and die because I’ve stopped caring because it hurts. I feel like I’ll never trust anybody who is remotely emotionally unwell. Which is sad because I was once that messed up and I got better. I think that everyone deserves love / but it’s not worth it to not be paranoid about running when it rears it’s head.
Reading all the sad and hellish stories on this blog had been so enlightening. My husband of 20 + years became severely depressed after open heart surgery 2 years ago. He has tried suicide and has basically withdrawn from and alienated friends and family. We have tried a myriad of medications to treat the bipolar 2 and depression and severe anxiety to really no avail. He will not participate in therapy, he just sits. His bipolar cycles into anger, not mania (I repeatedly see people writing about how we had two wonderful happy weeks) One thing I have notice reading this blog is that most the undepressed partners exhibit co-dependent behaviors and the depressed people act like narcissists expecting a pass for bad behavior and forgiveness by playing the “depression” card. That (from what I have been reading here) seems to make it worse. Them being depressed does not give them permission to abuse you. Don’t accept it. Will I stay married to this empty, creepy shell of the vibrant man i married 23 years ago? Most likely not since he won’t participate in getting help. It has been so comforting, for lack of a better word, to read others stories and feel the support on this blog. I have to admit the stories have hit close to home and made me cry but also shown me i am NOT alone and that despite what my husband says, me taking care of my mental health through therapy myself isn’t making me want to leave him, it’s showing me that there are few options open when only one partner wants to do the work.
Thanks Deb. Very observant. I am on the other side. She left our marriage a year ago – I wanted that too. Her kids moved out and she followed them back to the same town where ex #1 lives. I think the kids were beating her up – via their rejection of her i.e. going back to dad’s home – a lot of dynamics here – but I could never be the dad and frankly I just couldn’t share myself that way – cause they verbally / behaviour / hitting / swearing abuse – the usual teen issues – except as a step-parent my hands were tied – and she could not give me support (she is sick) – lest she lose her kids (happened anyway). The kids were like a witch’s pair of “familiars”. They participated in the depression. So anyway – I was the “co-dependent” and she was the “dependant/depressed”. She had been on anti-depressants for at least the 10 years I knew her (we don’t communicate anymore – my decision). I am relieved but I miss her terribly (and yup – I still love her – very very hard decision for me – I would even try again – but only if she called – I figure she has to decide that she actually wants me. FYI – I expect never – I’m starting to date now) – in good and lucid depression free times we rocked! But when I stopped co-depending, everything died. I stopped as part of how I dealt with the kids’ behaviours – I let her deal with them AND I decided to start taking care of my self first (the kids made it hard for me to love her). So I tried to encourage her re: work (but she was defensive – a trigger to old relationships) – I made sure to include her in everything short of her sickness being the focus – which was hard, but there was resentment because I would not participate in the cycle. I ended up being the only one in counseling. But to her credit – it was hard for her – Christian counseling – extreme views – and she NEVER wanted to be vulnerable to me as “trusting” that I would give myself for her. I can understand that. Still – not a good way to be married – without trust for me – and me – just unable to understand depression and change myself/accept/adapt with/to it. But the secular counsellors simply arrived at a place where all they could says was “You two are not on the same page – and that’s why you have problems” – crippy – dah! Of course I miss her & pray everyday truly! But honestly – the cats don’t pee/vomit/spray everywhere while she sleeps – not anymore, the dog doesn’t poo on the deck – and I don’t have to be the only one to clean it – while she sleeps – I’m no longer keeping my friends away from my house anymore – cause she didn’t like them (or feared them?) and the kids abused my friends – I can go on holiday and she doesn’t make up excuses why she can’t go with me – not anymore – MY LIFE never became OUR LIFE – we never joined – I learned that I was dominated by a depressed person that could never join in. It always felt to me that 1) she could not make herself happy – I asked & tried to do things she wanted until the counselor explained to me that she is a full adult and will ask when she is ready – if she wants, and 2) she could not be happy for me – in almost any situations where I was happy — all so queer! So then – the best part – no more passive aggressive attacks on me – they were so wicked. But crazy? I miss her? Yes. When we were passionate lovers – as a male -I traded it all! I believed it to be so sincere – and I think it was – but she was never wholly involved I think in hindsight – instead I came to realize that she mostly became involved in her own self – anxiety etc. What I really miss is: everything I hoped it would be – not what it really was. I’m still struggling – a co-dependent always does – looking for the next person to fix – BUT NOT NOW. I concentrate on work. A lot of women look at me and give hints – and I love women – but finally I can say no when it’s not right. I’m trying hard not to repeat my mistakes. It’s like I can only see “bleeding dependency” and then I’m there to rescue. Anyway – I just wanted to comment to you – with all respect – watch out for your own co-dependencies – they can be insideous – and you might attract another “depressed”. Just sayin …
Hey Rodger! I understand co-dependency. My late husband was an alcoholic/cocaine addict which ultimately killed him and I did the hard work on co-dependency a long tome ago. That changed my behavior for the duration of my marriage to him. This husband suddenly became bipolar and severely depressed with a COMPLETE personality change after open heart surgery 2 years ago (pump head syndrome). He was not depressed and I did not attract a depressed person. The person (for lack of better wording) now residing in my husband’s body is the polar opposite of whom I married. Because I am not co-dependent, I am making an exit strategy since this person will not get any help.
Oh my gosh, Roger, your story broke my heart but made me feel so happy for you all at the same time. This is close to the cycle I’m going through with my husband right now. He won’t get help, and he’s damaging our kids too. Our daughter, sadly, is becoming a mirror image of him mentally and physically as well. We’ve never had stability and I am SO ready for it. Tired of walking on eggshells..me & the kids. I, as a co-dependent, need to gather the strength to ask him to leave us alone. He’s never worked, never cleaned the house, never had “our life” just like you described — it was “his” and “mine” although his was always on my dime, too. I wish he’d just wake up and enjoy the beautiful family he’s got, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
This is so familiar. Baby’s Dad made so many promises and we had an amazing passionate relationship but gradually he changed into a shell of the man I knew. Holidays became a big issue, he was paranoid & became obsessive over his other kids pushing our son out in the process. I left the family home a few months ago as things got so volatile but we remained a couple. Then he suddenly ended it before Christmas and is making life as difficult as possible for me now and making decisions about our son that are in my opinion just cruel. he didn’t even see him Christmas day. I believed him to be depressed when we met but now think maybe bipolar or a personality disorder could even be an issue. His family and friend used to admit he had a problem but now he’s convinced them all it’s me that was the problem. Feel lost and heartbroken and my child is sad. Everyone says walk away but how can I if he’s ill it isn’t his fault. His behaviour is so extreme now that I just can’t believe he’s in sound mind
I’m so happy to have found this page, it gives my some comfort to read your stories. I have been with my bf for almost 4 yrs, he was definitely the one and we were planning on getting married and having a baby in the next year. Recently we found out that he is infertile and everything has changed. The last few months have been very stressful and I admit I struggled with the news, though I never once considered leaving him as I love him with all my heart. Needless to say things have been very tense lately and I have noticed over the last few months he h’s become very moody. He recently broke down telling me that he wants to be on his own and that he can’t give me what I want. He can’t deal with the pain anymore and doesn’t want to be with me. I was totally devastated but he said it was for the best. After a few days apart I asked him to take sometime out to think about his decision and be sure its what he wants. Eventually he said he would but couldn’t promise anything. He has become so cold, pushing me away, not calling when he is working away and he has stopped telling me he loves me. I’m so confused and heartbroken and I don’t know what to do. I’m devastated:-(
Hi Erica, I am going through an identical crisi right now….everything was great, fun and amazing then out of the blue in one day BAM “I just want to be alone and I dont want a relationship” and whats worse, I am totally cut off cold, he doesnt want to talk to me and wont even let me see him or check in on anything. when I call, he says I am bothering him and he cant take it. Then, he also started picking a fight and getting dilusional saying that I lie (TOTALLY NOT TRUE) and that I have this side he does not like and that he does not feel anything any more. no feeling. He spiraled into apathy.
Im shocked and dying inside. I feel determoned to get him back and wait it out.
What are you going through now since your situation is about 2 months ahead of mine?
Talking to you gives me comfort and I hope I will have the strength to move on but right now Im so devestated. I really love him so it is hard to just say – “oh well, I should move on”
Hi Bluebird, I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. Its really really awful. My situation has changed somewhat since my last post. Things got pretty bad and its fair to say that I wasn’t coping very well. Not eating, sleeping, working etc and I started feeling very down myself (all the while keeping this from my bf because I didn’t want him to feel worse). I felt very lonely and my world was crashing down around me. Bf became even more distant, not calling etc and very shut off. My family could see how it was effecting me and finally said I needed to let him go if that’s what he wanted. Then one evening he broke down crying and howling and told me he had depression and was in so much pain and couldn’t think straight. I vowed to be there to support him and told him that he needed to continue to get help, which he did. We agreed that we both needed to get away so I went overseas for 6 weeks and he went interstate to visit family. To say its the best thing we could have done s an understatement. Whilst we were apart I could see a change in him, calling me, telling me he loved me again. Since I been back I can see my old bf slowly coming back again, he’s much happier and seems to have got his spark back. Don’t get me wrong I know things won’t get better overnight but I’m taking one day at a time and so far so good. All I can say to you is hang in there, just let him know you are there to support him. But please also look after yourself or you will hit rock bottom too, I nearly did. Make sure you have someone to walk too, I’m not big on talking but my counsellor really helped me through this. I truly believe if you love each other together you can fight depression, its not easy. Just try to take it one day at a time. Take care
Boy, does this hit home for me. I have wrestled with this question. I have sabotaged three loving relationships in my life. Each time it was because I was absolutely convinced that I just wasn’t into the person, that I HAD to get away from them and be by myself with a book in my empty house. It became so strong that I would be actually repulsed by a woman who just days before I was crazy about. I would dread to meet with them. But then after breaking it off, a short time later, I see things completely opposite. I would panic at the thought of being by myself, realize I made a huge mistake, and try to get back with the person, with no success. It has been so incredibly painful, confusing and, frustrating! After the second break up I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do it again, that I would realize that my feelings of wanting to pull away and isolate myself were not real, that I needed to communicate to my partner about the depression, and that I needed to stay. But then when I got into my last relationship I forgot all of these promises to myself. I think it was because I was in a state of denial—in the new relationship I was feeling good, I thought I had put the depression behind me, and the thought of applying the lessons learned from the last relationship never even entered my mind. After 20 years of depression I think I have only finally realized that it never goes away, it may be dormant, but it comes back. I read somewhere that depression is like a jealous lover, it wants all of you. And I can really relate to that. I feel that it is something insidious that is pulling me away from love and fulfillment, resulting in me being confined to my bed, terrified, alone in my room. Another thing that confuses me is I don’t know if it is the depression that is creating this compulsion of isolation, or commitment phobia/love avoidance, which is a very real phobia resulting from childhood trauma. Usually the trauma results from the child assuming the adult role in a family, which I did when I was 13 when my mom was hospitalized for depression and my family fell apart.
I think that one must assume some responsibility for hurting your lover in that you really need to be aware, aware that what you are feeling is depression’s illusion. As was mentioned in previous blog on this site, you need to realize that you can’t run away from people who love you, you need to stick it out, that running away only leads to isolation and pain. This sounds so easy, but it is incredibly difficult when you are absolutely convinced that your compulsion to isolate from a loving partner is what you really want. I asked my therapist about this: why is the unconscious fear of staying in an intimate relationship so much stronger than the very real fear and pain that I always experience after I break it off? Why would I not give the relationship a chance knowing that the likelihood of a real long term commitment is so great, while the likelihood of me ending up in a black hole after breaking it off is a 100% certainty? She suggested it was because when I break it off it gives me the illusion of control. Someone once said there are no answers to many of these questions those of us with depression have and I suspect that may be true.
WOW!!!! This post just hit home for me in so many ways!!! I have done the same in relationship after relationship, feeling satisfaction (the illusion of control) immediately after ending the relationship only to then panic and want the person back (and the reality is I don’t know if that was an illusion too). Currently I’m in a relationship, one that I was so happy about, and decided to move in together. He’s a wonderful man, has all the traits I want in a life partner… And all of a sudden lately all I can think of is obsessing about things he may be doing behind my back, comparing myself to attractive female friends he has, picking fights, feeling completely disconnected, no desire to be intimate, and feeling like maybe I don’t love him. I’m so incredibly confused. Part of me is convinced I should end the relationship, and that the feelings I have are because I shouldn’t be with him. I tried going to therapy but I didn’t feel that was helping, and I also don’t want to take medication. It’s so hard to tell the difference between real thoughts/feelings and the depression, especially when it comes to relationships. Anyone with feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello, My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of june due to her depression and anxiety! I’m sure she still loves me. But I don’t know what to do? I want to help her and be her rock. At the beginning I decided I would give her space but I thought to myself that if I love her I would be there for her so I tried to get some better answers regarding her situation, and it seems she can’t love me until she loves her self! Which I want to understand what does that mean? I love her so much!!!! And I would do anything to make her happy. Any suggestions would help greatly!
Hi,
I have stumbled across this site while desperately searching for answers myself regarding my bf who suffers with depression. He was in the military for years but left a considerable time before I met him. When we met the first few months were fantastic he was kind, loyal and attentive. We suffered a problem a few months in and this is when everything changed.
He was desperately unhappy in the job he was doing at the time, it made him irritable and angry and aggressive with life. Nothing made him happy and the smallest thing would set him off into a rage. He said some extremely hurtful things to me, and when I tried to pull him up on them he would tell me to stop being so touchy. I knew that he was suffering with a form of depression as I have a close family member who suffered, he would have horrible dreams and would cry out in his sleep but wouldn’t talk about it to me. He would only open up when he had a drink. Eventually I managed to pursuade him to see the doc, he was prescribed anti depressants and things seemed to turn around and he was slowly becoming the man I fell in love with. But it didn’t last he had just set up his own business and it was consuming his every thought and the old demons came back along with the aggressiveness.
I couldn’t take any more because it was making me so stressed and I felt I couldn’t do anything right for him. I tried everything and made it my goal to make him happy (however I wasn’t at the forefront of his mind, he admitted he forgets to put me first). After a lot of thought I decided it would be best if I moved out to give us both some space as we were bickering all the time. We agreed to take things back to basic and date as we rushed the start of our relationship and he agreed to get more help. However none of that has happened, he tells me daily he loves and misses me yet cannot commit to anything. I know the depression is playing a big part but I really don’t know what to do. Do I hang around and help him or do I cut all ties and try and move on as hard as it is because I love him so very much. All of this situation has taken it out of me to the degree I have been hospitalised over it.
After reading everyone’s comments it is nice to know I’m not the only one in this situation but I feel like I am staring into a black hole and I don’t know how to get out of it!
Sorry for a lengthy first post!
Hi Anon girl,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It amazes how depressed people react in relationships. In my case my fiancee left me following the loss of our angelito and she has not talked to me for over 3 months. I do not know whether she will return back to us.
In your case if you get abused in any way by your man is best to walk away for a little bit. Maybe space is all needed for things to improve. Sometimes trying so hard is probably making things worse leading to more arguments and more issues in the relationship. Thats what happened in my case- I was trying so hard being there for her support her yet she was getting worse.
So my suggestion is stay away from each other and stop trying to help him. Perhaps do no contact and see how he responds?
Hi Anon i have a similia problem my relationship of 3 years changed i went on hol with kids my boyfrd was looking forward to seeing me first day go bk but i was busy and tired i went pk my dog up she seemed poorly rang my boyfrd as he adored her we went vets unfortunatly my dog died that was when my boyfrd changed his job came to an end same time he said needed space didn’t know if still wanted be in a relationship with me we went away to scarsborough had a lovely weekend came bk he said still don’t know and went home he stopped texting phoneing i text him no reply i rang him he sounded awful and confused he said elt depressed and would go out on his bkike that would help him he asked if we could meet on tues scatter my dogs ashes im hopeing to speak to him as still love himbut he not sure how he feels now he suffered depressin years ago which was break down last relationship to any ideas ? feel i am looseing the battle with his depression here
My First Love I chose suffers from some sort of depression. He been taking antidepressants for 15 years and he’s one year older than me . I am 31 and he’s 32. We started dating 2 years ago. For me he is really my first because I started dating at a late age. For him well he had other relationships before but for him I’ve been his longest and respected him for who he is.
Besides depression he also suffers from Tret syndrome and I guess some anxiety maybe from depression… I do not know completely and he Has Glacoma and Anger Issues.. . Hmmm some package deal.
Maybe I am foolish to have fallen in love with a man like this many problems . I even know about his problems as we started dating but I did not let that bother me. We both may have taken alot of stuff too fast even 6 months later he proposed to me. Ok we both are from different cultures.. I was from a Filipino family and he’s from an Italian family.
We had our good memories which I still cherish thru pictures I have and we had our major bad memories which I guess both our personal problems rised up a bit too much. So basically a Rollercoaster relationship.
Does anyone really know true feelings of love and can it really appear and then disappear ?
Recently we had our major blowout that he even tried cheating on me by hooking up with a new girl but he realized how much he was loosing the new girl wasn’t even catching his interest. I was really angry at him I even insulted his family. I never ment for that to go that far. We have talked to try one last time but can a person with so many issues really know what they want in life ? I just wonder that..
I also found I suffer with this Iron Deficiency Anemia .. which I goggled.. there can be times I can have anxiety or depression…..
So I’m read this article and I can relate.. and really question about this whole depression ??? and I’m also sad that my older brother suffers from depression too..
how can someone really help if they have this problems ??? I just wish to understand it better
Ooops my grammar sucks…
when I said this
“Recently we had our major blowout that he even tried cheating on me by hooking up with a new girl but he realized how much he was loosing the new girl wasn’t even catching his interest. I was really angry at him I even insulted his family”
I ment .. he got so angry and he claimed his loving feelings for me faded and when he was with me … he was trying to hook up with this new chick. Ok he talked and stuff and then he found.. that she was ugly and wasn’t what he wanted. He realized how much he hurt me by doing that , and he claims he understands how I feel.
From his reason of me being overly sensitive and different from a different culture and for me being in my 1st relationship.. I found so offending… and I was very hurt and in tears…
But even with all the problems, pain , and the good memories.. within the 2 years… I really question how can someone be helped?
I think I really care so much beyond love… and I want to help out of the goodness if that makes sense.. but then it makes me sad.. that I’m giving my self such a challenge..
Please someone answer me :'( I have been depressed for 8 long months! I was just put on medication called citalopram..i started it on tuseday and its making me feel like I really dont love my boyfriend anymore! X”””'( I can’t take it! It keeps me awake too…. I wanna save the relationship badly but the feelings are too strong! X”””( I don’t want him to be my ex … I really don’t wanna date other people! I just want to be in love with him!!!
Amanda,
The single most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. One of the things that goes into that is not making any major decisions while you’re depressed. I didn’t know I was sick and I made horrendous decisions that haunt me to this day. You have the advantage of being aware.
If you’re anything like me, you might feel an immense pressure in your chest that feels like it won’t go away until you act on your thoughts. Please resist and give the medication time to kick in. When you’re feeling calmer, then you can assess your relationship and decide on what you’d like to do. Sometimes the things you say and do while depressed can’t be undone.
Fred
Right now I feel like care about anything anymore…. I feel I gave in… I am scared that whennthe medication does work I won’t be in love with him anymore… I obsessed that it’s bc real… right now I can’t stop crying bc I am begging and asking god what I did wrong and why was I cursed with an mental illness……
The thing is ever since I took the medication 2 days ago.. I feel like I am not depressed anymore…. I read so many things… I did alot of damage… I know that I need to get better but I know the depression caused me to feel this way…. but I know that I can’t be like this forever either…I have alot pressure… I went to the doctors shaking bc I had anxiety there too… my bf says not to let the depression turn how u feel.. I feel like I did that.. I failed him my relationship the best one I have ever had and…. now…. it turns into this….
Amanda,
‘ I failed him my relationship the best one i have ever had’ these are pretty much the exact words of my fiancee when she broke up with me
Amanda this is not your fault dont blame yourself. You have NOT failed him or your relationship. This has happened for some reason.. Something must have triggered it.
Take your time to get better!! This is YOUR time. Medications do help but should not be consumed for forever.. This is not the way forward.. Just take them as much as you doctor thinks you need them for and at the same time get referred for some cognitive behavioural therapy.
I am on antidepressants as we speak but slowly my dosage has been decreased over the past months. I have found cognitive behavioural therapy to work quite well.
Be strong you can do this!!!
Amanda,
I would also agree with Fred. The most important thing is you. If you think that you might need some time off from your boyfriend then speak to him and tell him how you feel. Sometimes time away from each other might be the right thing to do since you may feel restricted of expressing your real feelings to your boyfriend.
From my experience when my fiancee started having depression I was there for her all the time however it seemed this was making things worse for her and she ended up breaking up with me. I know the girl that broke up was not her but her depressed state which was making her make bad decisions. Talk to your boyfriend tell him how you are feel and if it is distance or no contact you need for a bit to get better if he really loves you then I am sure he will understand.
Remember you need to get better.. Think of yourself.. And remember once you feel better you can always get things back on track with your fella (this time properly). As Fred has said dont make decisions which you might regret later on.
Mario
I feel like my depression is over… :'( I really don’t want us to break up… I just want to be with him and know I am in love with him…. X”'( I am jealous of everyone that they can be happy with their babies but no not me… I just want my relationship back to normal…
It has been two months since my last post. Since then I had psychotherapy and given antidepressants. Psychotherapy has worked a little bit and has made me realise that keeping your mind busy and preoccupied with other things alleviates some of pain and loss of my partner and our little baby angel.
I have yet to hear from her and it has to be said that I am missing her as much as the time that has happened and possibly even more. My only form communication is sending her letters to Spain once a month just to reassure her that I am still here for her if she needs me and that I will be here for as long as it takes.
I seem to have an issue with my family understanding the complexity of the situation with themselves saying that there is ‘plenty of fish’ out there.. They have yet to realise my feelings for this girl and how I am feeling as an individual right now. I have kept myself busy with plenty of work but I have realised that I am struggling to do things that I used to like since all those things remind me of her and when I try to do any of those things it has really bad effects on my depression.
I feel alone , I miss her, our baby angel. As the psychiatrist has said I need to be patient and just be there for her.. This can take months and years- but I will be there for her!!
Jo I think I have come to terms to accept her and take her back if she would have moved on and try having another relationship. Perhaps she has done that as her escape plan from our past, or feeling the pressure from the family. However in my opinion if there is a true love and true feelings , all these things are just challenges in a lifelong relationship and would only make you stronger and wiser when you get back together. That is how I see it. Still makes me wonder Why This Had to happen To me?
For anyone reading this post, here are some updated thoughts. I don’t know any of your particular situations, but I have read John’s book ‘Surviving Depression Together’, as well as a myriad of articles and books on Depression and Anxiety – both of which my spouse suffers from.
It was 5 years ago when The Nasty, as I refer to the bad episodes, reared it’s ugly head. (I think it was always there, but a few catastrophic life events triggered the downward spiral.) Those were tough times, times I thought, I – and ‘we’ – might not get through. But, I persevered. We have been married over 30 years, with children and now grandchildren.
We both went for counseling, separately. We went together a few times and it was disastrous. I am grateful for the counseling and feel it genuinely helped each of us. We have stopped at different times, but know that our counselor is there if we need to see her again.
Although my spouse says sometimes in conversation that he ‘is cured’, I know this is not so. I also know that I love and care for him. He is the father of my children, and what is the lesson I am teaching them by staying true to our marriage vows? I took that commitment seriously and still do.
Make no mistake – this IS hard work! There were many times I wasn’t sure we would get through the rough days, especially when my spouse would say, ‘I think we need to discuss how to end this.’ I have learned he really doesn’t want to leave, his mind just doesn’t know how to help itself. “Fight or flight” – I am sure you have all heard that one.
Anyway, all of our situations are different. I just wanted to let others know that one of the choices we have is staying, working hard at it NO MATTER WHAT. Whatever choice you, or your significant other, make is hopefully the right one for you both.
Your lives together will never be the same. Most likely YOU are the one who will do the most adjusting. There will be no trophies, no pats on the back…sometimes no understanding from the outsiders who do not see what you see, do not experience the anguish and pain caused by this. But, if you are willing, you can have a good life. You can make it a good life, for both of you.
After 5 years he is calmer. It is still there and I know at times he fights his feelings. We have both learned coping techniques, and I have learned how to adjust to the anger, the comments…the man who is different. We both keep trying, and that is the commitment it takes if you want to stay together.
Thanks for listening. I know many of you listened in the dark times, and you need to know there IS LIGHT!
I have been with a wonderful and kind man for 5 years. We became engaged last summer. 4 months ago a – in my perception – small fight triggered him to call of our wedding, blaming me for fights, discussions and fears about the future. There was hardly a way to reconnect with him and assure him that I did not fear our future and that discussions are normal to a relationship. I listened to him since he had done this before yet always came back shortly afterwards to explain that he never wanted to end the relationship. Yet this time, the blaming became so hard that I could do nothing else but leave.
Despite the tremendous pain, I did not start blaming him since I had this feeling that there might be something ‘off’. Not to put him on a piedestal, my ex is a nice man. He tends to more egoistic than me but he is also softer. He is sensitive. Over the past years I saw him evolving into the hardworking man he is today. Combining day and night jobs (working for the radio and dj’ing) he was often sick and tense. Holidays of one week did not energize him anymore, although he is still young (31). Things reached there peak last fall when he had an anxiety attack in the city, after weeks of thinking he must have some kind of disease for feeling so tierd, without energy. An anxiety that went deep (to illustrate: talking about diseases of other people became very uncomfortable for him). Numerous visits to his doctor pointed out that he needed more rest and that everything was fine. He kept working really hard but the smallest discussion appeared to be sucking away all his energy. It became a heavy load for him to carry. Though our discussions were never that big (yet again, my perspective) or different from those in other couples.
Although his father went to a similar process years ago, thinking about burn out yet resulting in a hospitalization for several months for treating a depression, my ex was avoiding the subject and went on a totally new discourse of ‘everything is easy, one cannot be sad only experience discomfort’. He went to a coach to treat him for a burn out but stopped the sessions on his own terms. Everybody who expressed his fears, insecurities was avoided or labelled negative. I know this may sound silly for me to write this, maybe it’s just a phase in his life and maybe the reasons why we split up have nothing to do with a depresssion but I cannot help but thinking something is going “wrong”.
Two weeks ago he was hospitalized with a throat problem. After his hospitalization he called me to explain that he made a big mistake and wants me back, never wanted to split up in the first place. That he blamed me for anxieties when he is the one feeling anxious about a lot of things. That he went through a crisis yet also has a lot of troubles facing any kind of conflict in his life. He told me about a lot of fears he has but was unable to express them but always became very anxious when I was putting my fears on the table during our relationship. I’m always very open about my emotions but it is only today that I come to understand that by trusting him by telling him my fears, this became an unbearable situation for him.
He is looking for a psychologist now to sort things out but I still have the feeling that, just as the other times, he doesn’t really understand the impact of yet another break up. Although I do believe his explanation, I wonder whether he himself understands that this is something serious.
I don’t know whether he has a depression and I don’t know whether I can trust this process and start from there with him again….
I met a fantastic woman, we were together for 8 months. We had the greatest time – her friends say she had never been so happy and likewise my friends and family said the same about me. We got engaged, sold houses began the process of buying another together. One day she simply said I dont want this. We stopped the house move – all a bit quick… so thats fine. But within days she called us off completely – no reason. She said everything was perfect, but she had lost her feelings for me and didnt know why. The trigger that horrible afternoon was simply to ask what our plans were for the evening to which she replied ‘that comment makes me anxious and under pressure’. We had seen each other every day, never a case of not wanting to on either side. This came from absolutely nowhere… She had suffered with depression in the past I understood and she had stopped taking her medication as she felt she did not need it being so happy.
I am truly devastated. She was the woman of my dreams and after being hurt before this really is killing me. Friends and family are shocked. She has said she need to focus on her kids and her only, not sure she can ever be with someone or live with someone. This amazing person who loved me so so deeply has changed beyond recognition. I cannot understand what she is going through but as a loving caring person all I want to do is help. She wants me to move on and forget her, like I have an on off switch. When leaving for the last time she said, if I feel I have made a mistake when I’m feeling better can I ask if we can have another try… my god I hope she gets better soon so I can love and cherish this amazing woman… I cry because at the moment I can’t get anywhere near her.
Anxiety and depression is a monster, its taken my best friend and I cant even fight to get her back. All I can do is live my life and wait… XYZ, I love you. Get well soon.
I am going through something similar to this
LaTasha and update for you and for others…
I kept in contact for a while but she was cold and made it clear that her present state of mind was to focus on just her and her children. Arrangements to meet one day were quickly withdrawn as she said she felt anxious and sick about it. I have to say that my reaction was not appropriate as my frustration got the better of me, this was out of character for me but was in total despair that the woman I loved so deeply had done this to me, her children and my children. We had travelled an amazingly happy journey with such and incredible future that I found it all to hard to take. Following a few home truths lets say, I spent that weekend in total fear of a future without her.
I did more research on her anxiety and found another site that explained everything. There was so many example of anxiety that replicated my (our) sitiuation it was untrue. Atleast I now had an answer…
I hope the moderator will understand if I post this link as it has helped me so much and hope it helps others too… http://conscious-transitions.com/relief-from-relationship-anxiety-guest-post-from-the-conscious-weddings-e-course-forum/
To finish my story, I sent this link to her with the simple words – I now understand.
I also sent to a couple of her friends too so they knew what was occurring. And wished them well.
No contact began… But then to my horror I was alerted to the fact that she was on a dating site and looking for anything but what we had… Not asking for immediate company but wanted to build from friendship upwards over time. I was distraught and contacted her anyway possible and received a text warding me off. Suffer, I have never ever suffered or felt so low – ever.
I told her what I thought of her, deleted all contact information and began to get angry. That soon subsided and I wrote her a letter applying a logical mind. Its clear that she cant see what was good, she cant control her logical and illogical mind and does not want a relatuonship but a is looking for company. This hurts so bad but I put my feelings nicely on paper, kissed the envelope and sent the letter. One day I hope she looks back and sees the strength, the rock and the love that she once had in a human being that would take on all of her problems and help.
For me, its a horrible road to recovery, I want her so much but this horrible monster has robbed us both of such an amazing relationship that I feel sick just writting about it. I had a fairytale romance that has not ended well… well not yet any way….
I hope that you fair better LaTashsa, its horrible and would hope and pray for a different outcome for anyone in my situation.
Sorry to hear that AJN. I have been through a similar experience to you. It seems as though signing up to dating sites and looking for another source of happiness that way is quite a common occurrence.
My ex said he couldn’t be in a relationship, but wanted to stay friends. Once I found out he was ‘looking for a relationship’ online, I could no longer remain friends with him.
Take care and best wishes to everyone here.
i am going through exactly the same thing my lovely girlfriend is also on the dating sites due to depression, she has totally pushed me away, its nearly 10 months now and i have suffered myself from severe anxiety and depression, and i dont know if i will ever see her again, as she wont go for treatment.
A couple if weeks ago I got an email from her suggesting I was a catch and that she made some bad moves. We met a few times and fir me there was still a spark, stuff to build and work on. We walked, talked, laughed. I came away on holiday and just had an incling that all was not right. She had restarted her dating account. She said she could only see me as a friend and she had no feelings romantically for me and doesn’t see her feelings returning. Again I blown away. Several weeks of no contact, hope and belief crushed. I’m now 6 days in to having no contact but boy it’s hurting just as much as the first time. I love this woman. I can’t be her friend, especially if she is with someone else. I don’t know if she will change again but I know I can’t keep being hurt. But XYZ I will always love you deeply xxx
My boyfriend had depression and he broke up with me two weeks ago and told me he couldn’t cope anymore. We had a long distance relationship for a year and were extremely happy with the relationship. We are only eighteen but I knew I couldn’t be without him. One day we had a small disagreement and all of a sudden he was sending me texts saying he didn’t want us to be together and he would want to be alone for a while but we can still talk. So anyway we talked but all that we could talk about was the breakup so I told him that I would leave him alone for a couple of days. His friends told me he was happy but his mum told me different. She told me that they received bad news about his uncle. I didn’t want to contact him about this in case it upset him but I he told me previously he was going to the doctor which his appointment was booked for yesterday. I asked him how it went and he told me he didn’t go because something important came up. I wonder if he actually wants to get better or not. I asked what happened and he told me they had to go visit his uncle in the hospital who has two brain tumours. I felt so bad and told him I would pray for his uncle. His appreciated that and we continued to talk normally, but unfortuantly he is still very dry when he texts me. I feel he is pushing me away but I can’t help but feel that he still loves me. I know its not him acting like this
Hi, AJN. I can completely relate to this. I am the person that your girlfriend is. Please understand that it is nothing personal against you. For some inexplicable reason, depression does create an on-off switch. It is exacly like that. For me, the switch turns off after a couple months into the relationshp and then back on after I break the relationship up. It is maddening. Because each time I am convinced that what I am thinking is the god given truth even though they are completely opposite! I have posted more on this above under “John.”
Hi john, i believe that my girlfriend is only browsing the dating site, i may be wrong and she is actually meeting men, i was on the site four weeks ago and she sent me an email on there: “i see youre still looking, thats good, all the best” this was after i rang her 10 days previously and she was acting very strange, i have since gone no contact with her, as far as i know she has had no treatment for her depression, and youre right depressed people have an on/off switch.
I am in a relationship with someone who manages it extremely well until something happens to trigger it. Just now he is struggling with a problem that would bring anyone down, and he is exhibiting all the signs. I am here for him, not expecting much, just trying to keep him company, trusting him to find his way. It occurred to me that he seems to lack resiliance. Is that valid? I had a nightmarish childhood, abuse, neglect, abandonment. I survived and grew strong, and developed a capacity for happiness, though the old memories still are a source of pain at times. I observe that my partner seems to lack the strength to look things in the eye and put them behind him. Such as, relationships ending. Being rejected by groups of people. I know these things are painful, but once it happens to youseveral times, don’t you learn that it’s just human nature? That it’s timing? That it happens, but there are plenty of people in the world and we can all find a community? That these things happen, but you still have someone right beside you who loves you? I just wonder if this is a valid observation. Hoping my partner grows to finding a capacity for joy again. Thanks for reading!
I know this was a year ago, but your post really resonated with me in terms of how different people are able to overcome negative events in their lives. I do think resilience plays a huge role.
My bf of 6 mos and I broke up last night in a five minute conversation due to his depression and him wanting to run away from the things because it will be easier. His depression began in his last relationship which he was not happy in. It worsened when he broke things off. I think he felt like a failure for leaving her at her worst (she was depressed) and for going so far as to ask her to marry her to save the relationship. The relationship also inflicted lasting damage on him because she made him feel like he never did anything right. He dealt with the demise of his relationship by drinking heavily and being a workaholic. As such, he never really dealt with the feelings surrounding his last relationship, and he brought a lot of baggage to our relationship. He is now unhappy with everything in his life: his job, living situation, etc. Until about a week ago, we *knew* we had a future together. Our connection is so natural and strong and the way we are together is really hard to find.
Like you, I’ve been through so much in my life but seem to have come out as a stable and independent person who is able to give and accept love in a healthy way. Most of my childhood development was in an environment of emotional and physical abuse and inconsistent love and neglect. Though I’ve gone through depressive episodes, (largely instigated by hormonal birth control) I’ve come out able to believe in love and have hope for the future. Sure, I get scared and have my own triggers, but I always push through because I have this inherent drive towards good – to take paths that will help me grow and improve.
My ex comes from a stable, warm and loving family with parents who have been together since young adulthood and who are still very much in love. He was bullied in early elementary school and still seems to not be over this traumatic event. It seems his instinct is to pull away, self-destruct and isolate when things get even a touch difficult, as he has no capacity to cope. I understand the feeling all too well of wanting to run away and isolate, but I know that these methods don’t help in the end.
It’s difficult to see someone I love and understand going through depression, an illness that I too have been through. I think he is likely in a state of devaluing me and the relationship, convincing himself that we are not right for each other or that he’s even fallen out of love. He did not outright say these things, but there were hints in what he has communicated that he is feeling differently about us and that it scares him how his feelings seem to change in an instant. He is also tired of hurting me and not being there for me. He feels like a child. I know these feelings from my own experiences with depression. So now he’s pushing away the person that he even acknowledges understands him in a way he has never experienced before and who is willing to be there for him through it all… I have already vocalized this before, but now I am letting him go because he needs to realize these things himself. And if I’m still there when and if he does, maybe we can work it out. But not without him seeking help.
I am also an ex following the love of my life breaking up with me.. For the past month she would wake up crying as well as nightmares of worms.. Everything started when we lost our baby from chemical miscarriage. From then on she was getting worse and worse and anxiety attacks became very common. :,-(
I have not been with her for that long in essence 3 months and 28 days but when we met we both knew we were soulmates.. We even planned getting married this August… I have been there for her all the time although she has been Spain and myself in the UK however from the 14th April she started becoming more and more distant towards me until she stopped saying to me that she loved me or missed me.. on the 22nd she sent me a text saying that she cant do it anymore is too much and that i deserve the best and she will not stop praying for me and my family..
I have seen the psychologist today who said the same thing as the author about her… But also said to that I am also suffering with depression..since I am not with her anymore… I dont eat I dont sleep plus can get really bad since I have yet to grieve for the loss of our baby.. In terms of communicating with herOnly I can do is just email her every 2 weeks to let her know that I am still here and I will wait for her.. I am hoping she wont go astray as the author mentions above..It is not her nature to have one night stands or quick relationships..so I am hoping she will stay like this.. Is my birthday today.. and I did not even got a wish from her.. 🙁 But I dont care just want her to be well and come back to me!!
i also want the love of my life to come back to me.
I’m posting in order to subscribe to followup comments.
I’m 12 years into my recovery process and treatment for depression. I envy people who have loved ones willing to wait for them; I was very young (22) when I had my meltdown, and my ex-fiancée did not wait for me. I had left her for someone else in a desperate attempt to stop my pain; by the time I was clear-minded enough to realize what I had done, my ex had started seeing someone else and hated me. I’m still struggling to figure out how I let that happen.
Fred
Dear Fred,
In a way she moved on because she felt betrayed by you.. I suspect your family did not have a good control of the situation since you were vulnerable doing such mistakes or perhaps it could be the lack of professional help which would have prevented it doing such a thing..
I personally would wait even years for my baby girl to return but I would not take her back if she was to see someone else because we both think and believe and said to each other that if were to be our own for any reason we would be singles for the rest of our live and we would not give each other any 2nd chance once felt into mistakes like cheating which to us it even includes kissing someone else. I will stick by her.. Although not technically marry we have bought our wedding rings and I am wearing mine all the time as a way to keep me strong and wait for her.. Before all this happened with her depression she was also wearing hers all the time.. I do not know now 🙁
Best advice I can give you Fred is if that wasnt that special in your heart then move on and find someone else however do it only when you feel ready.. i hope the psychotherapy is going well for you..
Regards
M
Fred,
I am sorry to hear about your experience. I have been with my partner for 5 years and this is the second major episode we have had (he is still in the depths of this current episode). He ended our relationship a short while ago, only to get with a new woman within weeks. His depression has been so bad that I have learnt to cope with it and we would always remain friends, although I don’t know if I can wait this time to rebuild our relationship when I know he is with another woman (head vs heart kind of thing). I was just curious to know your insight and how being with another woman was an attempt to stop your pain? I am completely respectful of his illness and I won’t hold any grudges against him because of it, it would just be nice to know it from the point of view from someone who has been there and done the same thing.
Jo
Jo,
Thank you for the kind words.
I was very young – 22 at the time – and didn’t understand what was happening to me.
Have you heard of limerence? Pursuing something with someone new made me feel something besides pain, that there was something about me worth wanting by someone who didn’t “have” to want me. I remember my fiancée told me that the other woman was using me, and I responded with “Why? Because that’s the only reason someone else would want me?”
I also had a strong desire for my partner to need rescuing. That had a lot to do with my upbringing and the twisted notions I had about sexuality. After I had been physical with the other woman, I felt obligated to be in a relationship with her; I was so messed up at the time that my obligations to my fiancée seemed negligible. All I could feel was that my fiancée no longer “needed” me and the other woman did.
You’re very strong to not hold this against him, though it could take a very long time for him to come around. I wish I had been so fortunate. Even if things hadn’t gone back the way they were, at least we could have felt better about where things ended.
Fred
It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’ve been following everyone’s stories.
I wanted to comment on Fred’s post. I can see the similarity in your thought process about seeing the other woman with my ex and his. It is confusing and hurtful to experience from the other side. Even tho I gave so much love to him, it wasn’t enough to soothe his own insecurities about himself. From there it spiraled into a sort of paranoia about my intentions and then about how others viewed him. Our relationship basically fell apart but when he decided to comfort himself by seeking someone new instead of dealing with his own demons is when I realized ……No matter how much love I gave it didn’t matter unless he learned to love himself. Not in a selfish way but rather learn to see that deep down he is a lovable man and worthy….realize nobody is perfect but in order to move consistently in life we need to be accountable for our actions and behaviors. We need to deal with our inner battles for ourselves first and not hide behind a safe haven relationship hoping we’ll get better.
I believe my ex is a Good man. Everyone makes choices they May later regret. And I am actively trying to forgive him as I live my life for myself and renew my mind. I love him from afar now and we still have contact. I see him with different eyes now. I see that he is a broken man right now and is seeking to find his way thru life. I Hope one day he finds what he’s looking for.
I Hope one day you will find what you seek as well.
I am depressed. However I think that some of my partners behaviour has caused my depression. Then he gets to blame everything on the depression. The not depressed person may be unhappy with the depressed person and actually be manipulative to the depressed person who is vulnerable. It’s just too simple to blame one person in a relationship for all the issues.
It is now my responsibility to deal with my depression. However I must also look at how I am being treated by my partner.
I suppose there are issues that both partners need to look at and not blame the depressed person for sometimes getting depressed because they are not treated respectfully and lovingly by the other partner. It’s not so easy to leave a relationship with children and start over. Theoretically one person can take the blame for the unhappiness- a bit too convenient !
First I’d like to say its amazing how strong and powerful all these men and women are for dealing with a depressed loved ones.
My boyfriend of only 8 months broke up with me his reasoning was because he’s depressed. I know he was a bit down a few months ago due to the loss of his job and not being done with school yet. I stayed by his side until he broke up with me. I helped pay his bills as well as helped fill out job applications for him. I tried my best to take away some of the pressures so he won’t go into such a deep depression. Within the last month he really pulled away. Went from daily texts and calls to once a week. I been respecting his space.
He would still send loving texts. But not like before. He called me for my birthday and wished me a happy birthday and he put his friend on the phone and his friend said that my boyfriend cries because he misses me. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I even said on the phone it’s not true and my boyfriend sounded sad because I didn’t believe it.
We are in a long distance relationship and I mentioned I would be in town close to his birthday and that’s when he snapped saying how he feels guilty not having time for me as well as having me wait for him to finish school. He asked me to wait til he get to a better place in his life where he is most comfortable. He asked for a break. I respected his wishes. 3 weeks later I came to his town for my best friends party as well as to see how he was doing. When I went to see him he was in the car with a couple of his block friends drinking and smoking since it was cold outside. When he came out of the car I could see he had a fake smile on and was really forcing it.
We went into his car to talk and he said he felt bad he had me waiting for him as well as felt pressure that I’m waiting for him to finish school. Yet still said he will come back for me when he’s ready but if I move on it’s ok he understands. I wasn’t putting any pressure on him at all. Guess it’s the depression. He also went on saying that I deserve someone who’s willing to talk to me and have time for me since he’s busy with school.
He got the job I applied for him. Said he’s appreciative of all I’ve done for him. But as of right now he doesn’t see a happy future for himself let alone out relationship or any other relationship for that matter. He hates everything right now. His neighborhood his life his friends. He said he’d feel bad making me wait for him and to live my life. But wants to be friends.
I honestly don’t know if he’s just acting like he’s depressed or if he really is. He’s in his early thirtys and I’m in my mid twenties. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I see myself as a good wife one day. And was hoping it’d be for him.
I know it’s a lot to ask for but can someone please help me? Should I be friends with him or leave him alone? I love him with all my heart. We’ve known each other for four years went our seperate ways til 8 months ago when we got together.
Hi there
I am the depressed(now ex) partner and I also felt a lot under pressure to finish school and pay my dues. The problem with depression is that you realize your behavior is hurting your partner but you just cannot seem to snap out of it (well, that is what I have experienced)
Is he getting help yet? If not maybe suggest he does. Either way, don’t take yourself back because of what he is going through. Tell him that you want to support him but that you also need your space and time. Maybe just date or be friends, talk to him to see what situation might work for him but make sure it works for you too.
I know this must be difficult for you, being on either side in a relationship with a depressed partner is very hard, at times frustrating and sometimes may seem hopeless….
I am still hoping that once I am a little better my ex might consider giving me another chance but for now I am going to focus on myself and try tonheal.
Good luck!
Maybe I’m wrapped up in my situation too deep. It’s only 5-6 months old. But when we met, the first 2-3 months we were together were the most amazing time. EVERYTHING fit so perfectly. But in a matter of 2 days things went from us talking about our future to her telling me, “I don’t want to be with you or anyone else right now”. Granted, she had some other, VERY stressful, things happen, but nothing between us that caused any problems.
She told me she feels lost, numb & sad & doesn’t know how to fix it. I have tried to make sure she knows I’m here & will help in any way I can.
I text her most mornings & just say “Good Morning”. So she knows I’m thinking about her. We text a little for a couple hours then it’s the next morning again.
I love her more than anything in the world. And I know she loves me. So how can I just walk away from someone who is struggling with depression?
I have been married for 20 yrs with 3 children and have over the last 3 years had what can only be described as a rollercoaster ride . My husband was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after attempting suicide in our house. He has been in and out mostly in for the past 3 yrs. when he was out it was horrific I had to lock doors, windows etc to prevent him from absconding to go and kill himself, staying up night after night to watch him.
One of my closest friends saw how much I was struggling and started coming round to help me so I could go to work.
They got far too close and I begged both of them to back off didn’t believe for one minute that it was anything else other than he was becoming far too dependant on her. I then eventually discovered after many months that thy had been having an affair.
I asked him to leave, I can’t believe it’s come to this he was my best friend, my soul mate. I know deep down that this would never had happened if he hadn’t been ill. At some point you just can’t blame it all on the illness and the depressed person must start living in the real world and take responsibility for their actions.
I am trying hard to rebuild my life and my children’s as they have witnessed things I would never have dreamt would be possible for a parent to do to their children.
Other people’s stories here are comforting that I am not he only one going through this hell.
I do have to say. everything that you said was exactly what happened to me. My ex left me and im trying to figure out why. I did all of the things. i withdrew from her. I became angry, I blamed her for things, i yelled, i said very mean and hurtful things to her. Im trying to understand why i would do these things to someone i love so much and so deeply. I am now starting to realize i was and am depressed. your right as in its not the depression doing these things. rather doing these things through me.
Hi everyone,
In August my husband moved out. He has suffered from depression his whole life. We have been together for 18 years, lived together for 12 and have been married for 7. We have been through many struggles. I have always felt that his depression has been a barrier to our intimacy. Which unfortunately caused me to put up some barriers of my own. Thus, we struggled. We both love one another very much but in the past year he has just gotten further and further away from me. Without any discussion of the need for a separation, I came home one morning after walking the dog, to find him packing boxes and telling me he was moving out.
We have had conversations about our struggles and never came to any solutions. We tired to have children in 2010 and I found out I cannot. That threw him into a major depression by 2011. So badly that he told me that his life will have no meaning unless he has a child of his own with his own wife and since I couldn’t give him that he would have to find someone new with whom to make a family. I told him that if that is how he felt, he needed to find a new place to live. He decided he didn’t want to leave me, and stayed. He started medication and we went to counseling together for a year. He went off his meds after 6 months and within the year he moved out of our room and became more and more withdrawn. He has told me he has been suicidal on two occasions since 2011. He also expressed suicidal thoughts in high school. He has never shown any angry behaviors as described.
He does not want to be on medication and has told me this is “just the way he is” and that because of that we just aren’t good for each other. Many times he has said ” I just want to be happy”. Before he was diagnosed (in 2007) I always took it to heart that I was making him unhappy.
When he left he told me he just needed to end the pain. Since then he has told me he still loves me and doesn’t want to waste the last 18 years of our loves. He moved 4 miles away so he could ” be here if I needed him”. He said I can still have contact with him. He is still paying his half of the expenses on our home.
I am heartbroken and confused. I really don’t think he is ever coming back. He started counseling and told me he wants to include me at some point. He leaves the door open just enough to give me a spark of hope.
This site has been very helpful to me. Thank you to all who have posted. I love my husband but I don’t know that I will have a chance to love him again. This all makes me very, very sad.
My husband’s communications have become less frequent. This week via text message he told me I should do what is best for me and leave him. He said his heart is empty and he has nothing left to share. When I asked him if he wants to leave me he does not answer. I told him I love him and he said he doesn’t know why. I told him I am willing to give him the time he needs but that I will need to know if he is still interested in staying married to me and working on that at some point. I told him I don’t want to leave him. He did not respond.
I am working hard to take care of myself and put things in place in my life that give me hope but this is extremely challenging. I am very sad and miss him very much. I just can’t believe this man, who said he would never leave me, has been able to do this. Depression is such an ugly disease. However, it is also a disease that can be hidden to many on the outside, thus making the pain we are suffering seem very confusing.
Jen,
Just know I share your pain and anguish. Your last comment is so very true. Yesterday my husband and I shared lunch with my sister and her husband – something he has not done in 4 years. All seemed well and after they left I mentioned how much I enjoyed the day, asking if he did also. He replied it was fine…but nothing more. Later, I mentioned once again that I enjoyed the day, and was starting to say why (speak more). I was cut off with a curt, ‘You’ve said that twice already!
Today, I tried again mentioning how important it would be to me to have him come visit family with me sometime. That was taking it too far….but, we never know that until after it happens, do we? He got agitated, began blaming me and, especially, my family for the sad state of our marriage – over 30 GREAT years before depression reared its ugly head – and then told me he is NOT going to keep going to his therapist because HE is not the problem. HE does not have any problems.
Mind you, my sister and brother-in-law thought yesterday was great. Although sis knows I go through a lot, she does not SEE it when it is happening. She does not get to live through the after effects of the depression and anxiety/panic.
I want to say to you, keep taking care of yourself. Find and/or keep up with a support system: friends, co-workers, family. Share some of what you go through to get it off your chest, but make sure most of your shared time is experiencing goodness and camaraderie with loved ones. I don’t think any of us thought we would be here, and we certainly DON’T WANT to be here. But….we are. We owe it to ourselves to move forward in the new world depression creates for us, whether with our loved one or, without.
I am sure you have done your best. Just as I am sure your depressed loved one probably doesn’t feel the same way. They just can’t.
You are not alone, Jen.
From my experience w my partner, may i suggest He felt pressured by your statements. My partner does the same thing. Id say things like I miss you and get silence. I think -like you- I say it again hoping for a response, a sign of the old him, a I miss you too or i had a good time too, but they see it as an agenda and pressure. And they feel guilt. They cant respond; they cant even think clearly. At least this is what my partner who is NOW 🙂 coming out if this year long clinical depression explained to me when he apoligized for it . He would get so angry he would scream that I was pressuring him when I just wanted to be close and to see hope. And this is a man who never screamed prior to depression. He never even cursed in all the years I was with him!
Their view is distorted. Try next time to say it once or maybe even promise yourself comments like that you’ll write down and give to him in a card so therefore the message is there for him minus the pressure to reply. My ex told me even nice texts made him feel guilty and his lack of response made me feel alone so I suggest paper or a card where a response isn’t really required. Keep reminding yourself it is not you or the two of you, it is the illness responding.
While I agree with loyal that your spouse may have felt pressured. I think that the implication is don’t do anything that might cause them to feel that pressure. And if your purpose is soley for their benefit, then yes. Do those things in a way that doesn’t cause them to feel pressure as best you can. But I have found that sometimes I say things to get my needs met, and that is okay too. Maybe today he can’t, and then I will have to figure out what to do with that, but maybe today he can and we can connect. If I allow our relationship to be driven only by his needs, then I come to a point where I am dried up and have no more to give. But if I can try to connect and take what he can give and give what I can, then at least we are living authentically.
I believe you are right. I know I struggle at times with ‘the old’ him, and the new one. I am just being facetious, but since I can’t ‘SEE’ the broken leg or the cut arm…what is in front of me is the same person I have always known. And in a way, I think there is still that thought that if I look upon him in a new way, have I given up on the old him? (Interesting thinking, no?!)
I will just keep trying because I know it IS up to me to make these changes.
Thanks for your kind response.
Thank you, John for your honesty at looking at this whole situation. While my husband and I have been married for 25 years, they have not been easy ones. I often vascilate between sympathy for what depression does to my husband, and hurt at what his actions do to me. I am right now working on finding that balance that allows me to both empathize with him and yet hold him accountable. As a good friend says it is not an either/or situation but a both/and one. I think the more we come to hold this as true and to remind ourselves when we feel otherwise, makes living it a little more bearable.
Hey everyone! I just wanted to check in – for the final time – as I have decided to move on. NOT from all of you, but from my bf. Yes,you heard me right, I am done. Sat back and really thought about the entire situation:
– he is 36 and tries to live life as a carefree 18yr old
– he refuses to get a job as he thinks ‘corporate America’ is a trap…makes him miserable…he won’t work until he can start his own business
– he is comfortable residing in a home FULL of dysfunction with 3 other adults (mom, stepdad, sister)
– he has slept on his mothers couch for 9 mos!! And has no motivation to change
– he complains about EVERYTHING and judges everyone…yet HIS life is a mess
– he is extremely selfish in the way he treats me and speaks to me
I was forced to take a look, not at him, but at myself…I needed to admit that I enabled this man and fell in love with his ‘potential’ not the reality of him. That was my mistake. I allowed his depression to be the blanket over all his mistreatment and selfish behavior, and so I am just as much to blame for this whole thing falling apart. Sent him a letter where I broke it down exactly WHY I don’t want to see him anymore, and I tried very hard not to be mean or cruel – just honest. He didn’t respond, and I’m fine with that. My gut tells me he will though…this guy doesn’t like to lose! He doesn’t like to be the one dumped. So it’s a given he’ll contact me. But it really doesn’t matter,b/c I’m no longer interested – I can’t emotionally heal (from all of this drama) if I don’t let him go and RUN.
So to all of you still holding on, (((HUGS))) to each of you – cause it really is SO hard, so painful, so time consuming. I think that’s what im most upset about…the time I spent hoping he would snap out of it. If you for one minute feel the pain is too much – make sure to seek help for YOU. Good luck to everyone here and thanks SO much for giving me a platform to TALK about what I felt.
Mandy,
I have followed your story as I have firefly and many others of us on here going through this the entire summer together. I watched us all change. From worried, to angry, to hurt–we all transformed through these experiences.
I can honestly say I am not the same person I was four months ago. . . I am not sure I will ever be the same again.
I read a quote the other day that stuck with me. It read “If the path you are traveling doesn’t lead to love and happiness, take another path.”
Simple enough and true!
I , too, like Mandy, wrote a final letter to my ex. I am not sure he will ever read it or get it but I said the things I needed to say. As Mandy did, I was not cruel but I was honest and I didn’t protect him from the pain he had caused me and the terribly painful digression I saw in his character and personality. He is an empty shell of the man I loved. He is no longer the man I knew for years. . . I am not sure if that other guy is ever coming back…and quite frankly he should have fixed this or worked on it years ago when it surfaced.
He says he wants to be alone. He has said it for months. So I will grant his wish.
My ex birthday is tomorrow and I have decided to not contact him at all. I also decided the other night when I went on a date with someone new that I was done.
I decided to come on tonight to say thanks for the support and remove this webpage from my bookmarks. I give up.
Mandy: Your relationship was short but intense with this man and you seem like a very supportive and loving girlfriend. I am sorry you went through such a push and pull with him that left you feeling so confused and in so much pain at times.
It’s nice to read now, after a few months of this, that you are stronger and focusing on you. I am following suit with you.
I plan to not look back or check this site again.
I wish you all the best. Mandy, Firefly, Jeff–thanks to all of you for sharing your stories with us and supporting me during the chaos and heart break…but I am done being broken for someone who doesn’t love me enough to hold onto me.
And his depression created depression for me. This I can’t allow to happen. . . I have to love myself more. He doesn’t create my self worth and I worry that this was just the first of many episodes to come. If we did get back together, and he did heal and return, where would that leave me the next time a depressive episode hit? Would he leave again? What security do I have in all of this?
None.
I would have stood by him 100% if he has just held onto me the best he could. I wasn’t asking for more than his physical presence in my life during his depressed state. I wasted so much time reading books, writing to forums like this, trying to do the right thing and in the end, none of it mattered. . . I don’t matter to him. We don’t matter to him. He doesn’t even matter to him. That’s a battle I can’t win.
The longer we are apart, the more distant I become from it, the less appealing he is to me.
I want someone who wants me to stand by them at his worst and someone who would do the same for me. Depression can change people; I dont deny it’s a disease but it doesn’t excuse complete abandonment of the other party in the relationship.
I was the casualty of his depression. Whatever we had is dead. He , the depression, whatever this was killed it.
Thanks for listening…and I wish you all happiness and joy.
Storiedmind, my ex, and this dark cloud of depression are in the rear view mirror now. Everyone has their breaking point. . . I’ve reached mine.
MM
(((HUGS)))!!! For real girl…much respect to YOU for doing what you need to do for YOU. I love when you said:
“the longer we are apart, the more distant I become from it, the less appealing he is to me”
That is EXACTLY how I feel! It’s ironic that the more time passes the more time I have to THINK about things and step back and see how disgusting my situation was…so all that time HE took to be alone, he gave ME to recognize how much of a waste he was for me. Granted, he’s not a bad person…again, he is sick. But in the end, I have come to grips with the fact that I chose him! So I need to dig in deep and clean out the reason…
I’ve always had options (in men) I just chose NOT to exercise them because I wanted to be true to him, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, now I am giving MYSELF permission to move on, to date, to possibly meet someone worthwhile. MM, I give you so much credit for owning this situation and I too wish you the very best.
I stayed. I stayed with him. Now 2018 and it’s still awful. Still depressed. Still cycles with the good then the bad. Rage. Empty promises.
I can’t believe I stayed. If you can leave, I suggest you run. Only your partner can help himself.
MM
My ex fiance (a man, I’m a woman) was trolling craigslist for gay men. I found out a few months into our relationship. He swore he wasnt gay and that it was just for attention. I gave a lot of leeway. I asked him stop, but made many consessions if he couldnt.
Only talk to people who are across the country so we don’t have a concern of physical infidelity
If you’re curious, lets talk to people (who do not live near us) together which proves your honesty and showed my support.
Stop using your real name and face pictures.
He said he didnt want to donit at all and went to therapy. He lied about it a few more times bu t then he genuinely appeared to stop. It didnt save my sanity and I spent a lot of time snooping his pjone and computer. He was aware and said it was ok, he understood and had nothing left to hide from me. One year later, I found some not yet deleted craigslist correspondence when he was out of state on business inviting someone to his hotel room. I broke it off.
He has bipolar depression and blames that. He has a sexual abuse past and blamed that… I hinestly feel like the choice he made was to be a liar and possibly a cheater and that my only option was to end it, get away before legality and children were in the mix, get myself checked for stds and try to get on with life.
He feels like I am throwing us away and that I should be trying harder.
Sometimes I actually feel guilty.
Look…I fully understand the depressed person needing their space, wanting to check-up on you (as their loved one), and you indulging in that convo with them. But please do not use their depression as an excuse for their hurting you. You shouldn’t have to ASK if cutting him off will help – you know that answer already. If it hurts you toyour core, it’s no good. Ok? You boyfriend knows what he’s doing, and just b/c HE is confused but wants to keep you on a string does not give him the right to confuse you too! Take a stand. If you want to hear from him – fine. If not, tell him that.
Good point Mandy.
I think it’s hard NOT to want to reach out even tho they don’t seem to care if you do or don’t. Maybe they DO want you to but….nobody’s a mindreader. Sometimes it feels like a game. It feels like a push and pull. You reach out and they push you away. Or you reach out, they give a little effort but you realize the amount of effort they give never takes off. And Sometimes it just goes back to them shutting down and you’re back to square one. All scenarios leave you feeling crappy. Trust me, I know the crappy feeling. It’s not nice.
Yes. I believe they know what they’re doing to their loved ones but they’re so engrossed and focused on THEIR pain and themselves. They might know how they’re hurting you but they are more focused on how hurting you is hurting themselves. So until they’re able to truly get a sense of true self they will continue to remain in their own misery. They look in the mirror and see how they are hurting inside themselves and that’s where the thought process ends. “I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel unworthy. I don’t like the person I see.”
They don’t look in the mirror and see the deeper issues of their behavior. In other words they don’t say, “My loved one is hurt by my actions and words. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused them and what can I do to make it better.”
Depressed people in a sense are self absorbed. They’re consumed with their fears and shame. They may feel guilt. But the guilt is about what they feel for themselves and in themselves. It’s not about the pain their loved one feels. They feel bad but they wont necessarily do anything to take the next step to fix the situation. They may recognize what theyve done but the pain they feel doesnt correlate to how YOU are hurting. Its about them. They don’t have remorse. Having remorse is recognizing their actions and feeling bad about how it affected their loved one. Remorse makes you want to remedy the pain because you truly feel sorry. It’s asking ownership of what you have done and the focus is wanting to make it better for the one offended.
you are growing up beautifully firely…..Respect!!!!
Wow! I wanted to respond to this firefly. It is beautifully written, and is my loved one dead on. I so agree with ‘they know what they’re doing to their loved ones’. Mine actually vocalized one day that ‘when you are in pain and feel bad, you just want to be bad.’ Ouch! Yet….I kinda got it. Didn’t make me feel any better because he is becoming more mean verbally; but….I kinda got it.
I just wish I could ‘act’ better when faced with this, not ‘react’. It is so hard when someone is saying terrible things about you or others you care about. Hard to step back and think, ‘he is just baiting me’. I just keep working on it, though.
Thanks.
Sandie,
I’m glad the words I wrote were helpful for you. I really do empathize with you and your situation. It truly is difficult to not react to your loved ones verbal lashes. It cuts to the core.
As said before, we can only control ourselves and keep our own emotions in check. We cannot force people to change or make them see things the way we see them. All we can do is protect our hearts and live by example….not for their sake But for our own. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I try to remain positive and set boundaries. Once those boundaries have been breached, I gently tell the person that I feel they have said something inappropriate and how it made me feel. If the person decides to have an outburst or tantrum, I walk away. It has taken a bit of practice to walk away because we women have the need to talk things out and resolve immediately. Most men prefer to be left alone and to process things for themselves.
The main thing to remember is that nobody deserves to be talked down to or disrespected. Understandably, depression brings out the worst in people. Walking away isn’t saying “you win”. Walking away says “I love you. I do value you and I understand you’re going thru emotional distress. But I don’t deserve this treatment and I CHOOSE NOT to subject myself to this right now because I also value myself as well.”
Hang in there….
firefly,
I am going to print these words you sent above because I am learning, but it does take constant thought, and practice, to just ‘walk away’.
Again, thank you most kindly for taking the time to reply. It does mean a lot. And through all the drama and pain, I DO still love and care about my husband.
After reading all these sad stories, please tell me if mine sounds familiar. We were married and living together for five and half years. Best ever match of characters, we were best friends, best partners and everything was so perfect between us. We never stayed more than one day apart from eachother. We just couldn’t. We always made jokes on how we would be when we grow older together and who is going to get Parkinson first and so on.
In march I had to leave Brazil for my home country since I had a family problem. I stayed in there for 2 months, in which me and my wife talked almost everyday on Skype. We were both feeling bad and just couldn’t wait the moment when we will be together again. All of the sudden, she started to tell me she had problems at work and she was feeling down and depressed because of it (she covered for a bunch of people that werent doing their work properly) and that she often cries because of it. I was worried but she had these problems before and they always go away eventually.
She had other problems as well. Weight problems (she was very skinny before and just hated the extra weight, could never cope with it) and back problems (that kept her away from loosing the extra weight), that degenerated into more problems (sometimes she couldn’t put her shoes and so on… I was always there to help her, or she could bend to pick up things from the floor etc). She also had some baggage from her family (mother with alcohol problems, used to beat her, parents in divorce, fights at home and so on).
When I finally arrived in Brazil, she waited me at the airport, she was crying and so happy to see me and I was just the happiest man in the world. I was back with her, where I belonged. But three days after, suddenly she starts to cry and I start to ask her some questions. After some minutes she tells me she wasn’t sure she loves me as a man anymore, but as a friend, and that she suddenly knows now why she is depressed. My world just collapsed around me. I begged her to go and seek professional help, go see a marriage counselor but she just didn’t want any of it. She just looked like she just wants to get rid of me, out of her life, and the sooner the better. I stayed one more week in there and left. We didn’t fight or anything, and she say she wants to remain friends.
Now I am back in my home country, with a big depression, feeling like my heart has been broken in many pieces and totally lost. I have panic attacks and an all-present anxiety. Going to a psychiatrist didn’t help. I just love her too much. I feel like I cannot live without her. Practically I lost everything. We had plans, a future, we were building a house for us in there and also we had plans for an online business. I have some contact with her on Facebook, but she doesn’t say too much. She says she went to a shrink and she is taking pills. Practically I feel helpless in here, an ocean away from her and I also feel I do not belong in my home country.
I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, I feel I can safely say that this sounds familiar to ALL of us on here–at least elements of it.
A great wonderful connection and relationship destroyed SUDDENLY by depression. I remember when my partner broke up with me suddenly over the phone. My mouth honestly hit the floor when he said it. I was in shock. Pure disbelief. Just days before he had thanked me for helping him through the depression and said he would be there for me in the same way…and then he broke up with me over the phone.
He didnt even say goodbye to my children whom he had a relationship with for years. (and one is autistic and on new medication that wasn’t working–he knew that my son needed consistency.) When I asked him why he didn’t say goodbye to them (so out of character), he offered to but the point was he didn’t WANT to…totally out of character from the man I once knew. My four year old still months and months later asks where he went. My son I think feared it was his fault. My boyfriend had just started spending more time with my children before this happened and my son knows me is a bit different with his autism and OCD–I was so hurt for them too. This is only ONE example of the many changes I saw suddenly in my once caring boyfriend.
It took me about three months before I could sleep. I grew severely depressed myself–near suicidal. I had other things going on that were already hard for me to handle and losing my main support and best friend–after watching him become depressed over a few months–became too much to handle for me. I suffered. My jobs suffered. My kids suffered. The entire damn summer I was miserable.
Try to be aware of your own self during this time. I was so worried about him, and repairing us that I lost myself and nearly went under. I can barely remember the past three months other than feeling sick to my stomach (you know that empty gut feeling), not sleeping, not playing with my kids, not paying my bills, and crying a lot. I reran things through my head over and over –things he said, great memories of us, etc. It drove me crazy.
Now months later, he still says he wants to be alone. Needs to be alone. I don’t even recognize his personality at times.
I am horribly sad but I’ve accepted it. I had to or it was going to destroy me. I do believe people can die from a broken heart. I never expected this from him–or us.
On the other hand, some partners do come back. I encourage you to read some of the other letters and posts on the web page here—you will find many partners never return but some do…John’s story too is one that I found powerful and inspirational on those days I didn’t think I could live one more day without his laugh, touch, kiss…or those days when I just couldnt fathom what had happened or why he cut me out of his life…
I am very sorry you have joined us and are going through this too. John states in some of his blogs that often the person closest to the depressed person has to be careful to not get depressed too. As you stated, you lose hope and feel helpless and confused and lost.
I think it’s a good sign you are still in touch with her. Not one time did my ex partner reach out to me. Not once. That hurt me the most. I have never felt so unimportant and confused in my life. My father was very sick and he had been the most caring boyfriend for a few years–not checking on me, not calling, not responding to me–it hurt so much. It honestly had a great affect on my self-esteem. It not that I think his love for me or acceptance of me makes my worth as a human being but I certainly felt discarded, very unimportant and eventually foolish. . .
I miss him very much but I am now angry, bitter and fighting depression myself. I sometimes get angry because I supported him through his depression (till he cut me off) and he left me as a casualty. Truly a casualty of his own war with himself and now I am depressed and where is he? It’s vicious.
I never in a million years thought he would hurt me like this–depressed or not. Depression destroys relationships and I hope yours is mended one day. Until then, I advise you from personal experience, to take care of you.
Always B
AB – how are things in your life now? I’m going through the same torture. My entire body hurts, can hardly ever eat (only doing so because I know it’s important), constant fast heartbeat in the mornings (I think this is one of the worst times – late at night too. It’s the realization that he’s not at home in bed with me). I feel I won’t ever be able to get through this. The thing with him is, he contacts me daily, only tells me about his depression, still does things with friends (faking it just to feel something for a little when out with them) etc. he said he wants to fix himself, while I fix me (I know I’m co dependent at times), then fix us. He says he loves me still. But I just can’t fathom how he doesn’t want to be in our comfy bed at home laying with me like normal watching Netflix – instead in his moms spare tiny bedroom with a not so comfy bed. Or her couch. Depending on the night. And I feel he says those things, but won’t actually come back. Ugh.
I stayed with him. He came back 13 months later. We are still together now and it’s awful. He has gotten treatment, tried therapy, tried various medications but is still depressed. He now has rage issues. Looking back, I should’ve bee. Grateful he left and never took him back. I wasted years on his empty promises.
I hope yours turned out better.
Hi Andrei,
I read your whole story. This sucks big time. A few months back I went through the exact situation and I know whats going through your mind. All I can say is: this is not a good time to stay in a different country hoping that things would get fixed. I made that mistake!!! You got to go back there and stay in the vicinity close to her not with her(rent a separate apt# if you need too), so that you can give yourself a fighting chance. You may also want to indulge yourself in routine activities that you always wanted to do in life but could’nt find time for eg. gyming, sports any fun stuff that would give you an outlet to release your daily pressure to handle your own depression. Try to show her(*not push) the same path. Also do not push her to work things out, just let her know that you believe in her. Try to be strong and relaxed in front of her even on phone/or in person if you guys are still talking. Chatting wont help bro…believe me!!! She may want to not see you for a while but thats ok in depression. You gotta be patient. I think everything is associated with her physical health. People who daily hit the gym are in a much better state of mind to handle work pressure. I know what I wrote may not be the kind of emotional feed you are looking for at this point in time. But either you can continue let things make you feel terrible or take charge of the situation and do what a man needs to do…. Good Luck to you both.
My ex left the relationship because of his depression and is has contacted me several times wishing me the best and hopes I find the person I deserve. Every time I hear from him it just sets me back should I just have no contact with him?
Hi JJ, please stop being a “door mat” for your ex. Just tell him to go skew himself. And YES you have to move ON. Everything goes away watsap, viber, fb, linkedin, phone calls, meeting him, letting him know by any means that hows your life going(In short burn all the bridges). Try running (20 min) everyday and make new friends, that will help. Good Luck.
I’m trying to deal with the loss of my fiancé who currently resides in my in-law apartment until she moves out at the end of the month. We haven’t had contact in the last two weeks until last night when she asked me how I was doing and my son qho is 8 and that she thinks about me and my son daily. I need to start healing but her contacting me last night just set me back. Do you need to stop all contact in order to heal, I feel like I do. She states that she still loves how could this be after all she has done. I think I need to stop all contact I still love her but I can’t do this anymore I feel I die a little bit every time I have a contact with her. Am I abandoning her by doing this I have such guilt over this.
I have been in a relationship for the past five years. During this time I helped my fiancé financially, with he daughter and tried to be supportive with her depression. We had tried couples therapy and she stated that the issues are with her and not me and that I deserve so much more than she can offer. I had purchased a home for us tried to make a perfect life always putting my own needs last. She in the last few weeks had totally shut down and has decided to move out. I am devastated over this. It’s as if she has given up all hope and has not taking into the effects this would have on her daughter who I have cared for since she was a 1 old and my son who is 8. Not to mention the pain I have been going through and the financial issues that are to come. I can barely function because of this and have been in therapy but I remain so depressed. I have tries to reason with her and wrote letters and she reacts very cold or no reaction at all only stating that she will never know true happiness and that she is unable to function in a health relationship. She swears its not another person and that I am the most amazing person in the world. Yet she is able to associate with her friend and seem to be normal. I have never liked this friend and had always felt she was jealous of my fiancé from past actions but it seems as if she has this whole different life with friend and I feel that this may have been the cause of our issues . I’m lost, confused and so hurt.
I’m going throught the exact same thing right now with my ex. We were together for 8 months or so, and things were literally PERFECT. he always said how much he loved me, how obsessed he is with me, he was constantly touching me and play fighting with me. It was literally perfect. and completely out of the blue, he broke up with me because of his depression. He started taking out all of his anger on me, and he admitted it. He kept saying “I can’t be in a relationship with anyone else if i dont even know who i am right now.” which i totally understood, but it hurt like crazy. At first i was understanding, but as the week went by, I felt so hurt, and felt so confused and devastated. I just kept thinking, if he really loved me then wouldnt he want me there to help him through this?
A week went by, and after more fighting because of how bad he hurt me, he begged to talk and we decided to get back together despite of his depression, and to try to work through it.
And this was a bad idea. the first few days were fine. but we just kept going down hill from there. he continued to take out all of his anger on me, and to act really weird. He started not telling me what he was doing, or if he was going out with his friends. When he used to tell me EVERYTHING, even when he was going to lunch with his mom. We got into fights over stupid things, and he would just be sooo rude sometimes. I tried in the last few days we were together to fix things, but it just wasnt happening. And we broke up again.
after him explaining it all to me once again, i understood and just decided to give him his space. it has now been over two weeks and no text, no calls, no NOTHING. its crazy how something can go from so good, to so bad so fast. But now he left me in a bubble of confusion with tons of questions. How can he go from being “so obsessed with me” (as he always said) to no contact, no NOTHING and have it be so easy for him to not contact me?
I think im just most confused because of how perfect things were before, and even just a WEEK before we broke up, he would say things to me like… “what’s mine is yours”, “i love you so much”..”my house is your house” and “youre so beautiful”… “youre the best girlfriend i’ve ever had”…”if you ever left me i dont know what i would do..”
it just hurts so bad and it makes me question everything he’s ever said to me. was it not true? was it his mood swings talking? i have no idea.
I completely understand where you were coming from here!! In normal healthy relationships – the couple learn to lean on each other in times of need. Sometimes, when they are facing struggles, it brings them even closer. But in dealing with these men who are suffering so sadly with depression – it’s like WE become their enemy instead of their closest ally. I have read a ton of the stories on this site and there are some that have been out of contact with their depressed loved one for years…can you imagine the pain of living with that? Wish I could say that the confusion goes away, but it hasn’t for me. My bf just walked out again today – and I’m sitting here now, trying to remind myself of the reason I even bother with this man…struggling to remember what it was like to be happy again – as I was with him before depression put him in a chokehold…desperate to FEEL like I can be secure again with him. Making it even harder, as you stated, is the beautiful things they say during the few (and far in between) moments of sentiment. Their words are so sweet that we fall again, we let go of all the inhibitions we built up when they walked away and hurt us the 1st…2nd…3rd times. But just like a fly in a spiders web, we end up STUCK in their web of depression and are left along – once again – to fight our way out.
I’m so sorry you are going through this – I am. (((HUGS))) It’s difficult and as I just said in my last post, emotionally draining.
Hi Mandy,
I have been following your updates regularly, and i have to say, you are a strong woman! I too have been pulled, pushed and then pulled again in the relationship by my partner, who only 3 month ago wanted to end the relationship that we shared for over 4 years. But then through talking, decided to remain with me, and now we are trying to recovera and heal, once again.
He too have had childhood problems with his father and it’s clear its one huge trigger for his depression among over little things.
What i found to be extremely helpful during his worst times was his family. And this weekend that just past, we had a wonderful trip down to his family farm, first time in a long time.
His family have always loved having me around and treat me as part of the nest. His mother, step father, sister, nieces and nephews who all love me, im guessing its because im the first relationship that lasted so long.
So when i went over and saw that they have brought me a set of sweater/trackpants and designer gumboots, i was overwhelmed with love and joy! Its a beautiful feeling. Due to his depression we have not visited his family as often as before, so yesterday was the first time in almost a year that i saw his mother again.
She secretly told me that she’s so greatful to have me looking out for her son and stuck by him even when he was cruel towards me.
All seem well now for me and my relationship, and i can only do my best to continue being supportive and being unconditionally loving. Forgive and forget is the hardest thing to do, and im trying my best to do it. 🙁
Mandy are you close to your bf’s family? what i found to be really comforting was having the support from his side of the family, who are aware of his depression because i alerted them and told them everything. I find that they really do help as the depressive partner can really feel cornered from the constant ‘nagging’ coming from us. By having the family knowing what’s going on, they can take over the talking part when he goes to visit them, and divide negative vibe. And ofcause, because they are blood, he will most likely listen to them better and feel less ashamed opening up.
I am very sad to see you going through the emotional rollercoaster again. Please keep us updated and stay strong! Feel free to chat anytime. <3
Hi Lili!
Unfortuately, my bf’s main issue lies with his dysfunctional family – and so no, I am not close to them nor do I care to be. His stepfather is abusive to his alcoholic mother, his sister is a recreational drug user, and although they are all very kind and inviting towards me, they are NOT the kind of people I choose to endear myself to. I think they are wrapped up in their own situations that speaking to them about bf’s issues would fall on deaf ears.
I’m not that strong – hahaha. I wish! My bf’s depression has done a number on my psyche in the 5 mos we’ve been together. It’s almost embarrassing to admit that what looked like such an amazingly happy relationship that flowed so effortlessly…has come to a screeching halt without rhyme or reason. It breaks my heart to see him struggle but it doesn’t give him the right to put that struggle on ME – the one person that has no drama, is successful, and has his back. Still angers me that he sees me as the villain when in actuality, I’m the victim in this dynamic. What can I do though? His mind is sick, that’s all I keep reminding myself – my bf is sick…my bf is sick. That’s why I’m double-thinking whether all of this drama is worth spending another 5 mos in this tornado WITH him?! Working to figure out if I choose to deal with him…
Oh dear Mandy,
Im so sorry to hear that. I have been completely crushed by my bf’s negativity. I know that exact feeling of … ” embarrassing to admit that what looked like such an amazingly happy relationship that flowed so effortlessly…has come to a screeching halt without rhyme or reason. ” This is the perfect description for me about 4 mths ago. And i cried and plead for trying together to overcome this. At first he was hesitate, and did not give me definite answer. And now here we are, 4 mths later, still together, things are calm and “stale”. We seem to be trying to heal together, i can only hope things get better from now on.
Mandy, i know its very hard (been there and still struggles even now) to never blame yourself for his illness. Like you said, he is ill mentally. Have you tried talking to him again? From your previous posts, he sound emotionally unstable. He sound so walled up by his negative thoughts he pushes you away, yet at the same time he desperately want you to be around him when he slowly comes to sense with himself after an episode of depression. The one thing i found that helped my bf rethink throwing everything away was telling him not to make such harsh/life altering decision while in the depth of depression. Surprisingly my bf actually took those words in and agreed to continue having me by his side as he try to become a new man.
Keep us updated Mandy! I am here whenever you need to talk! Take care of yourself dear <3
Jessica I am left in the same position as you. My fiancé would say she loved me and that I was the best thing to ever happen to her. Then she just closed me out and has had no contact with me only to say she was moving out. I am left questioning what I did wrong or what I didn’t do? Was there someone else? The pain is unbearable at times. I just am glad I am not alone.
Jeff. You are not alone. My ex left me four months ago and although now I wouldn’t return to the relationship that feeling took a long time to achieve. I tried for months to mend things and was so hurt. Only days before the sudden break up he had told me he was so glad to have me and he would be here for me in the same way. Then he ended our two year relationship on the phone a few days later. I was bewildered by it and thought eventually he’d swing back to me. It was the worst pain ever when he didn’t. Now 4 months later I’m still sad but a lot of the sadness has turned into anger and bitterness. It’ll take me a long time to find peace but I know that too will come. You will hurt. You will worry about her but I advise you to focus on yourself. Even if you do contact her she’s not the her you knew- she’s the depressed her and from my experience i wish I had just walked and not looked back. Only she can fix herself and return to you. Give her the space to do it.
Jeff,
Do not ever bring burden upon yourself, by thinking you have done something wrong. Because it is totally untrue. It is an emotional deceit created by the depressive partner to make the closest loved ones feel at blame. The depressed is always so angry/frustrated and sad over something fundamentally buried inside themselves, they feel everyone is against them. And for us, the ones who love them the most, become the great nemesis. They think we are the cause, the reason, that they are sad and unhappy, while they are their own source of negativity.
And that is why they want to push us away, they want space, they want and fantasies of a new life/relationship thinking that by getting rid of us, they could find happiness and everything will be great again. They fail to understand that they are the problem. not us.
I want to thank EVERYONE for their kind words of encouragement AND for sharing their own ‘stories’ of pain […] I honestly didn’t know it would be THIS bad, 5 mos ago when he told me he has depression. The part that continues to eat away at me is WHY – why did I tolerate this so soon in a relationship? It’s not as if we’ve been together 1yr +…it’s been 5 mos!!! If I feel this hurt, sad, angry, alone only after a short period of time, imagine the massive issues I would have a year down the line? Or 5 yrs in dealing with this man? UGH!! It makes me look inside myself even deeper to figure out what is driving me to have bothered after the 1st time he flipped out. It seems we all have the same scenario’s too: [these] were the best relationships we’ve had – thus far. It almost feels like we are living amongst zombies…they walk and talk but are ‘dead’ inside and they just so happen to suck the life out of those of us who are living….lol!
I now am working on my own damn self! I love my boyfriend, that I cannot deny, and I won’t even minimize the impact he has had on me in this 5 mos. But (and I mean a strong BUT) – he will not take me down that black hole with him! I deserve to have someone emotionally support me, appreciate me, love me and want to be with me – not someone who doesn’t even know where he’s AT half the time. It’s hard, yes it is. Jeff…I feel for you, I do! There is no quick way to fill the void, and do NOT make the mistake of even attempting to. Unfortunately, I’m a firm believer in letting it ‘hurt’. How else will you remember to ‘stay away’ for what hurt you initially or to get over it all?! 🙁 I realize wholeheartedly that my boyfriend will come back…and that may sound cocky or whatever, but I just know it. And my goal is to be strong enough at the time so that when he does come back, I can continue to set the necessary boundaries to keep myself sane.
Hi. I’m curious….did he come back and if so, what happened? I just went through a break-up due to the guy’s depression. I have a feeling he might come back eventually, but…he’d have to agree to get some help. I cannot go through the withdrawal/weirdness again. Its too painful.
Anyway, I’m wondering what happened in your case and how you handled it.
Thanks!
Jeff,
I cannot and will not make any EXCUSE for what your fiance has said to you in her moments of clarity – what I will say is this: she is sick. Try hard to remember that…she…is…sick. And never ever ever ever ever – blame yourself. It’s not like you had an STD, slept with her unprotected, and now she has it?! This is a chemical imbalance. There was no external ’cause’ of her decision and suffering. so you cannot blame yourself.
Mandy,
I’m just at a loss.. I’m a good man, good father and have always been there for her. She was able to lead this happy life outside of the home with her two new friends while shutting out her best friends in the process. She says she is unable to love herself and that is why she can not be in a relationship. I have gone through two suicide scares with her months of depression that comes and goes throughout the years all while tying to maintain this relationship. How can they switch from being depressed with me and the kids but ok with her friends?
Jeff,
When you have a fight with your s/o, do you go to work moping around, looking sad and crying, being mean and nasty? Not typically. The average person will go to work or go ‘out’ and no one will be will the wiser that there is turmoil at home! Same with them…my boyfriend told me that being around me is a reminder of everything he is NOT. I’m assuming that ‘reminder’ pushes him deeper into his depression?! But it’s still not MY fault nor my problem that he holds himself up to some wacky standard in his head…nor am I responsible to PAY for his lackings. As for you, go read your post again and count all the times you said “I”…I did…I am…I was there. Do you get what I’m saying? Not once did you say SHE…she gave me…she did (xyz) for me…she was there for me…she supported me. Did you? In the end, you have given to someone who is currently unable to give BACK (if at all) and it is no reflection on you. You were in a relationship that was one-sided…and the sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner you will be able to look outside your feelings and see the situation for what it is. NOT saying you don’t love her and she doesn’t love you – as I would kick anyones butt that told me my boyfriend doesn’t love me. Even thought all his depression ‘crap’, I FEEL it. But I am no fool, and I also know that for as much as I have supported this man, I deserve the same in return. And the fact that right now I’m not getting that support back, means that I too was in a one-sided relationship. It does hurt. But we still have to remember that it’s the depression ‘using’ us and all we have to give…not these people.
Jeff. I think I cried for three months straight. Honestly. I had to see a therapist. The sudden change and break up really hurt me-he’d been telling me for months it wasn’t me and it was the depression. He wasn’t going anywhere and then one day he just needed to be alone. From that day forward to today four months later he’s never gone back to a man who cares about me. My father has cancer and was in the hospital at the time and he never even called. Very out of character but he’s sick. She’s sick. It’s not like a broken arm where we can see the injury. It’s mental and runs deep. It’s not you. Do yourself a favor and try not to make sense of things that arent logical right now. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Mandy. I so appreciate you sharing your story too. And you’re right. He and I had an awesome relationship. Sad to see it die to this disease.
I stumbled across this site after doing a google search for “depression and relationships” – and I am grateful I did! My boyfriend of 5 mos – who I am falling in love with – suddenly tells me he is up and moving to FL in a matter of weeks, he doesn’t know if he even (wants) me, he hates his family, and he cares about me but feels nothing…I was devastated!! Cried for 3 days and eventually went to talk to him in person, where he actually broke down sobbing and kept saying “you don’t want me – I’ll only bring you down, that’s what my exes say”. He talked about how he is never happy, he hates his life, hates his past, how much the world sucks, how he doesn’t even want a job b/c he doesn’t want to be a ‘cog in corporate America’, he cries himself to sleep at night, he sometimes wants to die?! It broke my heart, but suddenly, made things MUCH clearer. I understood that it wasn’t really ‘him’ that was saying this stuff…and finding this site and reading others stories of the same plight, made it easier to understand. So I just want to thank ALL of you for opening up and sharing your stories here – I’m humbled by the fact that others DO understand how this depression can hurt people…how hard it is to love someone that suffers from it…and the work it takes to separate the imbalance from the person.
I walked away from my boyfriend, as I love him but love myself more. He needs to take steps to regain his sanity – otherwise in dealing with him, I will lose mine. He’s not a fool, he will be back (I’m sure of it) and he has said numerous times how I’m the best thing to happen to him. But those are words in my eyes. I want actions now…
So…I have an update – and it’s NOT at all what I even would’ve expected.
My boyfriend was asked to help a friend move cross-country and he jumped at the chance. I had HOPED this trip would be good for him, help him clear his head, and that he would come back ‘changed’ and out of his depression. He was gone for 2 weeks, and in those 2 wks he stayed in CLOSE contact!!! He would send me pics constantly, give me step-by-step playback of the trip, call me daily to talk (which is not him usually b/c he’s not a phone guy), and he asked to Skype – which we did the last week he was out West. He sent me very sentimental messages about how he felt about me, how he felt honored to be with me, etc. I picked him up on Thur at the train station and I played it cool..not clingy/not pushy. He was in a so-so mood (from traveling all day) but he eventually warmed up and was back to his normal self. We get back to my place (as we had agreed he would spend a few days with me) and that night, he was very affectionate! Admitted that he missed me and that his friend (the one he helped move) had commented on how after we would Skype, my boyfriend looked sad – and that he admitted it was because he missed me immensely. Fri, we laid around catching up, and then he asked me to take him shopping – where we had a ball! He bought me whatever I wanted and got some things for his family/friends. Fri night we went out for drinks, and he was joking and it felt like his normal ‘self’ was back! But it was all NOT real…as the happiness I felt for having him come back and be with me was only short lived.
Late Fri night, he shares something from his childhood with me, and felt offended that I didn’t acknowledge it the way HE wanted or something like that – I honestly still don’t know what the trigger was – but he held onto it and that was the end of my ‘fun’ weekend. He stopped being affectionate, I cuddled up next to him and nothing…no arm, no kiss, he kept his arms behind his head as if to make to clear that he was not in the mood. My gut told me things were about to get worse, and they did. Sat morning, I make us breakfast, he readily accepts, and I ask to talk. I wish I could say I was sorry for confronting him and his behavior – but I’m not…I wanted him to know how hurt I was. So I go into explaining that he cannot claim ‘victim’ over one perceived slight on my part when HE has invalidated MY feelings for the past month. He has done nothing but push/pull in this relationship and that it’s ok if he is confused about how he feels – but until he figures that out – it is NOT ok for him to confuse ME. So this man that I’ve had 2 good days with, now turns on me! He jumps out of bed and immediately starts packing his things to go and proceeds to tell me that :
1. He did miss me but that he didn’t want to tell me that b/c he thought I would think it meant he was not going to move away and he didn’t want to mislead me?
2. He said he felt ‘we’ aren’t working out?
3. He (very calmly) said that when he’s moved away, how it should be easy for me to find someone else…and that I’ll probably get married or start a family b/c that is what ALL his exes end up doing. But he said he knows I will always be in the back of his mind???? Also add, that he admitted that his moving away from such a perfect woman is something he knows he will regret and he’ll realize it when he needs me most b/c by that point he’ll be alone??
4. He said that I am misunderstanding the nature of our relationship – and so I directly asked him 2x to tell me to my face WHAT our relationship ‘is’? He danced around the topic until the 3x I demanded he answer the question – he replied “we are dating. we are seeing each other. But I am still not staying here, I am still moving to Florida and I am not asking you to come with me, I am not going to have a long distance relationship with you – because this isn’t going anywhere in future.”
5. He then had all his things packed up and he stood outside in my apt complex parking lot waiting for a taxi to pick him up.
That’s the end of my beautiful weekend with the boyfriend I am SO in love with but who continues to so callously remind me that he doesn’t want me – which I said to him. He told me that it’s not that I’m not good enough for him – that I’m not the problem. But that HE doesn’t feel he’s good enough for me…that he isn’t where he wants to be in life and he doesn’t think he deserves to be with me. So the wound that I was working on closing has been kicked right back open! I cried like a baby. Called my cousin and vented, then was fine. I will say that I’m not AS angry as I was the 1st time this happened, and I’m not exactly as sad either – but it’s the underlying hurt this depression leaves behind that is the killer. It’s like he caused this major head-on collision, and then he just got out the car and walked away! What hurts MOST is his lack of acknowledging his cruel behavior. He is extremely bright and witty, but when it comes to talking about ‘us’ and all that is going on, he turns into this ridiculous child who is not making any sense. HIs arguments waiver on crazy. So in a month, I lost him, got him back for a short window of time, and have lost him again. The difference this time is that I am not thinking about if he’ll come back. This time, I am thinking about whether I even want him to come back…whether this is worth it to me – to deal with this crazy cycle of push/pull. It’s so emotionally draining, and is becoming more ‘work’ then I had ever expected in dealing with this man. We’ll see.
This story is like writing mine. So much the same. We have been thru the same thing twice. We are back together again and it’s been 10 months he’s stayed on his mess this time and is getting help. The not good enough for me the childhood problems etc all came out this time and he’s getting therapy so for us we are heading forward finally. It’s hard for me to trust though very hard and at times I am anxious it will strike again. The therapist said we have to do a contract together that he will listen when I say he’s slipping again and get help that he has to listen to me so that’s kind of good. I hope it never happens again as I’m not sure I could do the him leaving dating sites porn and all that stuff again it really destroyed me at the time. It’s strange how depression can really create someone to do things so out of character to a loved one .
You brought up a good point there – “the dating sites, porn, and all that stuff again”…I completely forgot to mention that in my post too!!!!!! My boyfriend had opened up and showed me some of the porn he’s been into – and I’m no prude by any means – but this stuff was extreme. He participates in all these different ‘forums’ that are about BDSM and open relationships. But he tells me that with me, he doesn’t even think about that ‘stuff’, claims he has no desire to participate. Either way, that is how I know he is slipping back down into a hole…when he throws the fact that he is into BDSM and wants to have an open relationship – but that I am not/do not. Typically those things never come up in our everyday conversation, but when he is depressed, that ends up being the catalyst in our arguments.
10 months is a major accomplishment for you both! 🙂 Hope for your sake it lasts…cause this depression has done nothing but bring heartache. Guess the best plan of action would be to figure out if you even want to deal with another episode or not.
Its funny about all that porn stuff ordinarily my partner is not into it at all. He never opened up about it I found it. He too also says when I’m around it doesn’t interest him. Still says he doesn’t know why he was watching it. I’m thinking obvious reasons ppl watch porn he swears he wasn’t feeling sexual at all quite the opposite so who knows. I don’t think I could do another crazy episode. I could support him if he let me but not when it gets crazy and I have to leave with kids. I’ve done it twice there wouldn’t be a third time and come back. He’s on meds now and says he wants to be on them forever. Something that I find interesting is I say to him he made a conscious choice to sign up to dating sites etc to me it was a choice considering this was a 2 nod time round. He says it wasn’t a conscious choice because he was depressed says I don’t understand. So I’ve agreed to leave that one. Anyone else heard partner blame depression for choices.
Yes.
I have heard my ex blame his depressive state for the reason he made bad choices. One example was that he went out and found a one night fling while married. He said he did it because he was in a bad place and his wife wasn’t being intimate with him. And the crazy part is that he truly stuck to the belief that it was OKAY that he did what he did because in his eyes if his wife was more attentive he wouldn’t have been pushed to do something like this. No no no! This is corrupt thinking. You cannot blame your bad choices on someone else. My point to him was the fact that he was disrespectful and had no boundaries. My point was that if he was unhappy with the wife and the marriage, you would do the right thing and end things or at the minimum talk it thru before acting on impulsive behavior. He got upset because he had brainwashed himself to believing his actions were justified. He blamed it on him being depressed. I agree to a certain extent that depression makes you think irrationally but I also believe he used it as an excuse to free himself from owning up to his mistakes.
This boyfriend of yours sounds so much like my ex I can’t not comment. There was a push and pull for two and a half years–however once the depression hit him, it really crumbled. Your relationship sounds like the start of mine with him years ago. . . once he even knocked on my door with all of these promises after a three week break when I left him for pulling away. However our connection was sooo good–one I had never had–I was sure it would eventually “win” his pushing away over. He even went to therapy at one time telling me he knew he had issues with emotions and we were worth the work. Four months later he quit, and the push pull started again. . . and this cycle went ON AND ON AND ON for two and a half years.
Read this book: MEN WHO CANT LOVE. Seriously. Read it. If you find yourself highlighting each page–you are dealing perhaps with depression but also more than likely a man who is not emotionally available.
You ask if you want him back? I know that feeling but honestly now I have seen the light–I don’t want to love someone who can’t love me back. You deserve someone who invests evenly in the relationship and someone you can express your emotions too without monitoring them so damn much.
His depression only adds to his uncertaintity and inability to express emotions. Why would you want someone to return who did the things you wrote in that numbered list? (Trust me I have my own list and eventually thought “Why am I fighting to keep this?”
Think about it. You want more. You deserve more. As my friend tells me, walk out but not to prove your worth to him, but to prove your worth to yourself.
Margie
My boyfriend, well ex boyfriend now, broke up with my yesterday. He has been battling depression for the entire time we have been dating. His mother passed away shortly after we met and it has caused his depression to become quite severe. While we were together he started seeing a therapist and taking meds, that always had some side effect that negatively impacted our relationship. I never let that get to me though. I also have a mother who battles with bouts of depression so with him I didn’t feel any extra pressure dealing with his disease. He became distant in the past couple of weeks and instead of addressing it I decided to but on a smile and just hope that he could see my kindness. He of course could see it but still thought that breaking up was the best for me. That I deserved to be with someone who wanted to get out of the house, that could be happy. I do think I deserve that but I don’t see his depression as a reason why that can’t be him. I know there will be periods of time when it gets bad but is him suffering alone really going to make it any easier for him? I love him deeply, I see a future with him and wouldn’t be so confused or hurt if I could just understand more. I am looking for some advice, I apologize if this is a bit scrambled I can’t seem to get my thoughts together after it all happened.
Hi Lauren,
I want to let you know that what your boyfreind done i too done to my ex. Just out of nowhere one night tought to myself my girlfreind would be better off without me but at that time i did not know i had depression.
I dont want to get your hopes up or anything but it was not long after when broke down and went to my doc. and started meds my head then started comming together and i went to get my ex back but at that time it was gone to long and she didnt want to come back.
Lauren one thing i know is he will come back i dont know when but i know he will.
he just doesnt know whats happening to him at the moment and along with that you can probably see he has no emotion.
I wish you all the best.
Peter.
I’m really missing him right now. I miss his laugh, and his tenderness, and smile, and his voice telling me that he loves me. I miss having a good man in my life, and all of the things that went with that. I’ve had so many great things happen to me in the last week, and there are going to be so many things happening in the next few weeks. I’m excited about where my life is headed, but I’m sad because the person that I loved to share these things with isn’t available for me to talk to. I wish I were strong enough to just be his friend, to be able to watch a movie or play a game or hangout without feeling this tremendous sense of loss. I am hurt and I am lonely, but that’s not always going to be the case for me. It just sucks that even with the knowledge that I am going to be okay and that it isn’t always going to hurt like this, all I want is for us to be together again. I want for us to somehow find our way back to each other, to do the necessary work of rebuilding ourselves, and to give ourselves a fighting chance. I wish he wanted the same thing, and as petty as this sounds, I hope he knows that he’s a fucking idiot for letting me go. Peter, am I wrong to hope for a happily ever after to this story, a happily ever after that has us together again? Could he miss me and want me back, even in the midst of what he’s going through?
Coming from Peter, I believe It’s possible for your ex to come back. How long and when? Well only your ex knows. If there was a strong foundation of love and respect, I believe he will emerge but only if he’s willing to do the work to getting better. This is where It’s up to him. And he needs to realize and WANT help. You can be kind as heck but all that will do is band aid the situation. It’s helpful but it takes more than just kindness from you for him to seek help professionally. Hopefully he does or at least does some work on his own. When he is able to see past his hurt and depression is when he will truly be able to accept your kindness for what it is. Right now he isn’t seeing past his pain and your kindness might be too much doesn’t him to handle. It causes him to feel guilty that he can’t muster up the strength to healing. It might make him feel pitied, which nobody likes. Although we all can feel your anguish and concern, someone lost
in depression might not see it the same way. Keep being kind but with boundaries as well. I know how it feel to give and feel rejected. So make sure to read when too much is too much from either perspectives.
Hang in there.
I feel great comfort in reading your posts back to me and others today Peter and firefly. I agree–he may come back. He may not. You dont know. He probably doesnt know. Depression really is a monster and kills relationships. Now after three months without him to the “t”, I feel the same things you do. I miss him deeply especially when I need him. Ie: my father in the hospital. I feel empty. I think its hard when you are so invested in another person and their well being and then they just vanish and drop the relationship. I’ve gone through a range of emotions including feeling very foolish and dedicated to a person not dedicated to me…even though I know it’s the depression, it’s often hard to separate when you are on the other end of it. . You will go through a range of emotions probably as I did–and others–worry, anger, bitterness, loneliness, loving responses, more worry, anger again–it’s vicious.
The point is he has to come back and honestly some articles say the person is changed for good. The same man and person may not return after this..or he may not return at all. It seems depression is dictating your relationship and that sucks. The bottom line is to move on with YOUR life. When the air masks drop from an airplane, you put yours on first. I know how you feel–the worry, missing, confusion, etc. But now looking back, I wish I had not contacted him. I wish I had only taken care of myself but I believed in him and us….I wanted him well and I worried to death. And now, he seems to be gaining some clarity but I’ve been so alone the past three months that I honestly doubt I can trust him again. The longer he is gone, the more we distance ourselves and quite frankly the less appealing it all becomes to me to have this in my life. The past few weeks I have actually found myself very angry. I want a partner who can stand by me–thick and thin. I want someone who communicates with me during this time rather than verbally tearing me down like I am some punching bag at his disposal. I dont want that from a partner–depressed or not. Perhaps that isnt fair to the depressed party but I have been more than understanding, dedicated to his well being, etc and eventually everyone has a breaking point. I’ve reached mine; I actually have become depressed myself and am so miserable I can barely function at times during an already tough time/experience I am having. I get angry because I think I am standing by you during your worst, and you cant just HOLD ON? It’s so hard to let go–finally. It certainly has tested my will and strength and I have failed at times–but I am not so sure if I pick myself up, shake this off and go solo in life that I will be so open with the revolving door this disease seems to think it has. This broke my heart and I feel so unloved, insecure, uncertain, etc. Trust me, I know those feelings you are having–and the missing him…it really stinks. I realize it was the depression but I am not sure he would be willing to do the work to earn my trust back. I guess in due time I will make a decision if ever presented with that but each day it grows less likely to happen. Once I start healing why in the hell would I endure this possibility of being abandoned again? Love him–yes but this nearly took me down. That I cant allow. As times passes and the more I feel this way, the more I grow accustomed to him NOT being in my life daily, the more it all feels like sand just slipping out of my hand…I am ready to dump the rest of the sand out, dust my hands off, and start over–without looking back. So sad. What a shame. We had a wonderful relationship and I loved him very much. Hang in there. Just know it’s NOT you…it’s not you, it’s not you. Remind yourself.
Lauren,
I was where your ex boyfriend is now, but I didn’t know that I was sick. I thought my emotional roller coaster was how life was for everyone – I grew up with an undiagnosed and help-resistent mother.
I felt dead inside, and couldn’t see the future at all. I turned to another woman because her attention made me feel something, anything. I broke up with my fiancée for the other woman, and did everything I could to push my ex-fiancée away. Nothing she could have said would have gotten through to me. The only thing that may have helped is if she had asked me to go to therapy with her; if I had thought it was for her, I would have went, and then it could have focused on me. Without being tricked, I was too sick to admit to needing help.
I snapped out of things about 6 months later, but by that point my ex-fiancée was four months into a new relationship. It’s now 11 years later. I’m in a happy, healthy relationship with someone else. My ex-fiancée married the guy she was with after me. I’m on medication and in therapy. I’m still haunted by my behavior and what I feel was my weakness. I did the best I could at the time, but that wasn’t good enough. If your boyfriend is the same, it may be impossible for him to picture the future at all, either with you in it or not. At least he has actively been seeking help. That has to be a good sign.
Hi lauren,
im going through the same thing right now, and i noticed that its been almost a month since you guys broke up. i just wanted to ask you how things are going? are you still broken up? has he been contacting you? I completely cut off communication with my ex and have had no text, no call, NOTHING for over two weeks now. I just dont know what to expect in the near future.
Oh the bad mood. My boyfriend madly in love with me first 2 years. Then worse mood for 2 mths didn’t speak to me just dagger looks. Everything I say is wrong or twisted I say red he sayes blue. Out every night in the pub and if I dare criticise him for it!! I have to completely ignore him be scilent and then he’s in a only partial empty mood! Then it moves too I don’t know if I love u??? I can’t connect with u anymore. Tells me all my bad points and asks me why blame him for falling out of me!!! Unbelieve to the point it’s funny. Then he get soooooo jealous still that part of his brain still works if anything heighten. He left me for a month to live with his mum and as soon as I started working in a bar next day straight bk again together never work there again!!!! Only 3 mths later went Mexico and he came bk more in love than ever and soooooooo sorry . Ah it’s terrible it took 2 years to trust him again. 5 years of happiness and then he fell out with hi family stopped talking for 2mths completely wouldn’t hear one word, and then said falling out of love with me so sad. Empty slept on his mates couch for 4 mths! But refuses to break up I must not get with anyone else he’s trying to make his descion but can’t!.
I am so grateful to have found this website. My boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with me two weeks ago while we were at a couples counseling session trying to work on our communication issues.We have been having issues, but I never thought that he would think that we shouldn’t be together. From the beginning of our relationship, intimacy (both physical and emotional) was problematic for him because of his history. He was sexually assaulted when he was 17, grew up in a household with a depressed mother who was neglectful of the house (constantly dirty and unsanitary), and his relationship with his father is nonexistent due to past neglect and abuse (and a kidnapping) on his part. Even though we would have sex, he never really initiated it and had a hard time with libido. He said my touch made him feel safe, but that he didn’t have a high sex drive. This was tough for me to deal with, but I did my best to respect his feelings and to not make him feel uncomfortable. He says he’s dealt with depression symptoms for as long as he could remember, but he still told me that he loved me and that he saw a future with me. He said that the thing that he feels determines how he feels about someone is how much time he spends with them, and we practically spent every moment together, to the point where he became one of my best friends. In addition to this, he’s written me love letters, made himself available to me whenever I was feeling depressed, and always kept me in the loop (at least I thought) about what he was feeling. For the past couple of weeks though, we’ve been distant because he made it sound like he didn’t know how to feel love for someone else and that he’s been trying for the past couple of months, but he can’t feel it. We went to a counselor (who we both see separately) together in order to try to work on our communication issues. When we get there and the counselor asks us questions, my (now ex) boyfriend says that he doesn’t think he can devote himself to a relationship because he doesn’t feel fulfilled in who he is. I broke down in tears because I thought we were there to try and solve our problems together, not because he wasn’t sure he even loved me in the first place. The ride home was terrible and filled with a lot of tears on both of our parts. He said that he loves me and that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but I told him I would need some time before I could do that. We met the following week to have coffee and we ended up talking for an hour. When I asked him why he broke up with me, he said that he needs to be alone right now and that he can’t devote himself to someone else. He’s still living with his mom at the moment, and since she is still dealing with her depression, he’s also trying to help her. I didn’t really bring up any other emotional issues, but I was struck by how peaceful he looked at that moment (he’s told me before though that he is good at putting on a happy face). He told me that he qualifies for health insurance at his new job (which also includes therapy), but it may be a while before he seeks out that help. I’ve texted him a couple of times this weekend, telling him that I love him and that I hope that he is happy and that he deserves joy. I haven’t heard anything from him, and that hurts. I understand why he felt that he couldn’t be with me, but it doesn’t make me love him less and not want him back in my life. I just wish he would let me in.
My boyfriend (now ex) has done the same thing to me. Said he can’t be with me because of his depression, that he just wants to be alone but that he loves me and I am the most important person in his life. I’m struggling with the idea of staying in his life because I don’t see where there could be a grey area of us just being friends. My question to you, Des, is what did you find to be the best method of coping? Did it help sending those text messages or should I go no contact. I’ve read several break up articles on how you should not speak to them for 2 weeks, one month.. etc. but I feel like when dealing with someone with depression this can’t be the case. Your advice would mean a lot to me especially when I am in such a dark place and having trouble finding any friends or family who understand.
Hi Lauren,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I tried to just be his friend a few weeks after we broke up, and it was hell on my emotions. Even though it was clear he still cared about me, I just couldn’t stop thinking about what I had lost and I became emotional a lot with him around. If you are struggling with the idea of staying in his life, that’s your inner voice telling you to look out for you first. Even though you’re worried for him (just like I’m worried for my ex), you still need to come first. I’m giving myself a month of no contact; I’m going to try to reach out to him on his birthday. Give yourself enough time to heal and then see what happens. I’m still learning day by day how to cope with this, so I hope my advice gives you some comfort.
HI Lauren,
I much like Des tried to stay in touch. My boyfriend of two years dumped me in April –I knew he was going through depression and was “supporting” him the best I could. I went from his confidant to NOTHING in a matter of one day–just zap–he had to do it alone and was gone.
I tried weeks of no contact, and then would contact him with a text, or a call. However due to my emotions, as Des related to, it was never a good thing. He would either lash out at me and anything I said or he would feel pressure, etc even if I wasn’t saying anything other than I cared. I am sure, due to the type of man he once was, that this was in part his guilt–his inability to be in this relationship and my “touching base, checking in” was a reminder of it. . . especially when he saw how heartbroken I was.
Now, he seems better. The last time I talked to him he said he was holding onto us, and trying to see things with new glasses. He said he missed me…a far cry from the man who yelled ” I WANT TO BE ALONE” at me six weeks ago, but now I am exhausted..and I think depressed too…I feel myself getting bitter, angry, etc. even though I know he didn’t mean to hurt us and me–it’s all too painful.
A normal breakup is hard enough–add the confusion of depression into the mix ie: worrying about him, is it us or the depression, does he really want me to leave him alone and not care or is it a cry for help, etc. are all even harder complications of breakups that happen as a result of depression or with a depressed partner. Oh, the worry, worry, worry for the person –the same person who changed, abandoned the relationship, etc…it is painful.
At this point, I am giving up. I wont contact him again. Three months of trying has lead me to feeling like shit myself.
I encourage you to take care of yourself first. I wish I had.
Margie
Same here. Tried reaching out but it made things worse. He ended the relationship and was in a bad place with himself with his pending divorce. It was like he wanted me to disappear and I felt like I was the cause of his negative state. I tried to be more supportive but it seemed to backfire. He became more irritated. I believe it was because it was a reminder that he needed help and he wasn’t ready to try to make things happen for himself.
I stopped trying because it was hurtful when I was coming from a genuine place and he thought otherwise. I stopped reaching out because I began to hurt more myself and there wasn’t any results. It was difficult because I still was concerned but realized I was going down with his ship too. I didn’t text him or act the way I normally would while together…. supportive, loving, etc. I just existed. I didn’t let my emotions show on the surface even tho it was there inside.
I began to notice small changes in him. He began to be more positive and reached out. He was slowly returning to the man I fell for years ago. It’s still a little shaky because I feel distrustful of him after being hurt. And he hasn’t mentioned getting back together so I feel I need to be careful. I don’t want to set myself up for hurt again. I’m trying to let him let me in but It’s hard when you don’t know where things stand. Fortunately while we weren’t communicating I made it a point to work on myself. I looked at how he could be feeling and what part I may have had in everything. One thing that set off an alarm was my kindness. I realized that even tho you are kind it doesn’t mean that the receiver will take it as so. The only thing for me to do is to be true to myself and not let it get me down.
If you find yourself giving so much and never seeing a glimpse in return it is a red flag and you should look at what else could be going on outside your own mind.
I have been with my partner for 18 months. After 6 months he suddenly ended the relationship out of the blue, stating he was depressed an couldn’t cope with the long distance between us. This devastated me and my 3 children us his own. He was and can be the most chArming and loving man. Kind thoughtful etc.
I continued to text when I had the strength and send cards an item in the mail. During this time he did some very self destructive things. After 9 weeks he contacted me stated he was going to the doctor and followed through. He wanted to resume the relationship and was open about what he did during those weeks. Our relationship began again and we tried to move forward. We were making plans to move to the same place and proposed just before Christmas. Things were great, he got a new job then 2 promotions. He begAn working longer and longer hours and began to hate his job. He was always tired and hard to engage in what was going on. He had side effects from the medication, always had a headache and tired. He grew very grumpy. Our weekends were determined by his moods. When he was good he is fantastic and makes me so very happy. When he’s down it can be minefield.
Now exactly a year on almost to the same week he has left again. The kids are in even more turmoil. I am coping better this time. I knew he would relapse and was prepared but I don’t think he was able to accept that he couldn’t cope with the stress once again. I told him I would stand by him once again, he said this was the only thing that got him through the last time.
he claims things are fuzzy and he can’t feel anything again, yet a few weeks ago he was asking us to speed up our timetable to move. We were making plans for holidays etc. I’m not sure whether to wait this out again. He is on meds and has been to the doctor again this week but his meds haven’t been increased. I am so worried him as he always cuts complete contact which is so hard. He finally responded after a week and managed a phone call. He is shutdown again. Knowing this is the same cycle as last time is there hope? June has some trigger anniversaries for him plus fathers day. He has always said no one has ever stuck by him. I’d hate to prove this to be true again but he make it so hard.
I am fully aware of how hard things can and will be, I think I a more realistic than him about expectations. He seems to feel a failure and hold so much shame about his life choices that it holds him back in fear.
I do love this man so unsure whether to keep holding on.
I am a university student who was sadly born to parents with very strong cases of depression. I have always known this so i have always understood that i have a problem. I choose not to medicate my depression however, as i believe that it will not cure it – simply mask it. My view is that depression can be cured, you just simply need to know how to handle it. Anyway:
Me and my partner have been together for three years and we are incredibly devoted to each other. She is the most incredible girl i know, who would do anything for anyone and has time for any person. However, my depression flared up VERY badly a few months ago and it has taken a beating on our relationship.
I would call her names, blame her for my problems, constantly complain about why the world is horrible, loose my motivation and sleep all day. Simply be a completely bad person.
Once this hit home with me (she broke down over the phone) i have realised how terribly i treated her. This has caused me to address my problems and sort the things i did wrong. But i cant help but feel like she has lost faith in me.
We took a break, as i thought it would help but i only lasted 3/4 days without pleading her to talk to me again. It opened my eyes and i can see how much i love and need her in my life. She brings me so much joy and happiness.
However, i cant help but feel things have changed. She explained how she has some doubts about our relationship and she needs time to see that i am getting better. What did i do? I took her straight to the cinema and a few days later we had a family bbq. Perfection.
But these doubts have stalled my depression efforts. It has made me incredibly paranoid and worried that “She doesnt love me anymore” “Ive ruined us” etc.
So i start becoming my old self again, as i get so scared. I start telling her how i think we should break up all the time due to me making her unhappy.
We are only young – she is 18 and i am 21. I cant help but feel like i am holding her back, but in reality we only make our lives that much better.
I need some advice into how i can show this girl that she can trust me in getting better and that i have a disease – which makes life a little harder for me.
I would really like to marry this girl one day, the pain i cause has to stop today.
Thank you for reading, i would snap my spine to bend over backwards to make things work. I just need faith and trust to fuel my engine.
I give up. I just…give up. John, I have visited your website, purchased your book, read your newsletters. I have even passed on all of it to my husband and his therapist. My husband’s comment after reading the introduction of your book: ‘It seems to be all about how it’s affecting her (your wife). She must have problems. Why don’t they talk about what she does to trigger him?’ I was shocked enough not to even comment.
It has been 5 years since his diagnosis of depression, and still he does not want to talk about it. He says he doesn’t have much time left and he doesn’t want to waste it talking. It is all about him.
So, I give up. He is such a smart person, and had been a kind and loving person. Now, he just wants what HE wants and does not care about anyone else, except to be angry at me for not wanting what HE wants all the time. There is discussion, there is no thought of working on things or working it out.
I feel I have to stay because he is a heart attack patient; but, for the life of me I don’t know how to conjure up any loving feelings anymore. I. Just. Give. Up.
Sandie,
I feel your frustration. It’s very difficult to be in your shoes and I’m positive it’s even worse to be in his shoes. I understand when you say that basically nothing is getting thru to him and it’s all about HIM. At this point it’s pretty much useless to talk him into thinking otherwise. And even IF he does feel remorse about the way he’s behaving towards you, the focus in his mind is about himself and that’s the only thing he can ruminate about. Until hes able to deal with the inner issues he has, he won’t be able to move forward in working on your relationship together as a team. I know this because this is what I’ve been facing for a few months now. They have to face the music like someone said to me. But Sometimes the fear of even thinking about it is overwhelming for them. So just like you, I give up. I have tried many times but it’s like talking to the wall. So I’ve made a decision to stop enabling his behavior and told him that I’m not going to let him treat me this way regardless if he is depressed. I told him if he wants to be happy it’s up to him to change and make effort in dealing with his guilt and shame but I cannot take this hot and cold mood swings anymore. I sincerely suggested that he seek professional help and walked away.
Of course he was outraged because he said I was being selfish and only was thinking of myself. I told him NO. He was so drowned in his sorrow that he can’t see what he’s doing and that I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. I walked off and sure as heck the next day he’s all sweet and cordial and a glimpse of the man I once knew was there. But I don’t trust him anymore or rather his mood swings because once I respond kindly, he fixes to lash out at me and the cycle begins all over again and it’s all about HIM and his pity party.
So I understand your feelings. And I understand you feel like giving up. For me it’s a bit easier to walk away and support him from afar since we aren’t married. So Maybe you might have a greater desire to stick next to his side. But he has to make the effort and WANT to change. You can’t change him. And YOU shouldn’t have to change for HIM just to appease his sensitive ego. It doesn’t always work and sometimes just makes them think they can keep acting the way they do.
Good luck with your situation. I hope you guys have a breakthrough soon as I can attest to hoe draining this whole thing can be. On a good note, I think it’s good there’s a counselor involved although I’m not sure what the counselor meant about John’s book. I always thought a counselor should be neutral?
OK. I just reread your post and realize it was your HUSBAND who made the comment about John’s book. Now THAT makes a whole lotta sense now. Of course he would feel that way. HE doesn’t want to admit that HE has a problem.
Dear Friends,
I just wanted to drop a note to express the sheer relief I got from reading all your kind words and all your experiences, however painful they have been. THANK YOU.
I too was dumped by a someone who suffered from depression. I searched the internet for answers, “How could someone I was so close to and shared so much just turn there back and walk away”? I have grieved for months always trying to explain our “connection” and how special we were.
I sought professional help, decided not to contact my EX no matter how painful and trusted in my treatment and that GOD would reveal all when it was time.
This is my conclusion. I love my EX but I love me more. I fell victim to a disease (depression) that offers very little explanation for it’s effects on those who have it and those who suffer its effects. It’s not my EX’s “fault” for having the disease. I have a choice to keep my EX and the behavior that comes with depression in my life (I have chosen to walk away). I feel good that my “NON-ACTION” in the matter of reconnecting with my EX was the right thing for us both and look forward to a simpler life in the future.
I would have never known any of this prior to reading all your stories and seeing that I am not alone, this is not something that happened just to me. Our experiences all match at some level and we are all hurting very much.
Best of luck in the future to all of you. I wish US well.
Hi there everyone. I just found this website in a struggle for something, anything which might point me in the right direction.
I have been seeing my bf for a number of months, we both suffer from depression and are both receiving treatment. His depression is worse than mine at the moment, I suppose his is more constant whereas mine flares up and then eases off. He has been separated for two years and has a close relationship with his family, he has children and he is very involved in their lives and see’s his ex wife on a constant basis.
When we met he told me all this straight away, I couldnt believe how open and honest he was. He told me about his depression and other stuff that happened in his past. I accepted everything and appreciated his openness. However, I couldn’t talk so easily about my past, some of which I’m deeply ashamed of. Recently he asked me about my previous partners and as I have always been honest with him whenever he asked a direct question, I told him the truth, a truth that is the worst thing about me. The thing I hate myself most for. And now he cant get over it. He has slept with a lot less people than me because he was married for over a decade. And I used to use sex as a tool to make myself feel better. That was a long time ago tho, I’m a different person now. But now I’ve told him and he says he’ll never be able to feel close to me again. For that reason he says it’s over, but we’ve also become best friends in the time that we’ve known eachother and so we are still talking to eachother, going over & over & over it. I’ve told him everything at this stage, how the other sexual encounters were just a means of getting some form of affection, that they meant nothing, that I love him and that he is the only one I want now and for the rest of my life.
There are a no. of issues at play – I didn’t tell him until now, when he told me all his personal stuff up front without my asking. He is very insecure so now he feels like he’s just one in a stream of guys and feels like he’s not good enough to be with me or anyone else. And of course, I’m not the person he thought i was. He has lost all respect for me – and really I don’t blame him, back then I didn’t respect myself, the men in question didn’t respect me and I now I realise that I couldnt expect to sail thru life without having this come back to bite me in the ass.
We were so happy until he asked this question and now I think i shouldve lied – he says I should have. He says I must have known it would come up at some stage and if it was before we were in love then neither of us would be in this pain we’re in now.
I’m wondering if this is just a depressive episode and if it’ll pass and he’ll realise he can accept me and that I’m still the same woman he fell in love with. Or if not, what can I do to make him see that i love him more than any woman has ever loved any man. He saved me from a prison of loneliness and despair and the time with him has gone a long way to healing my pain. Now I’ve broken both our hearts, he feels like he can never be with anyone else again cos he’s not good enough. And im struggling grasping for anything i can do to show him how much i love him. My words just aren’t getting through to him. If anyone has any suggestions please reply. I need help, we both do, I don’t want to lose him. Thank you.
My husband has been going through a depression with very high anxiety for about a year now. Starting back last August, he began frequently seeking me out to talk with me about how he felt. He said that this was what a marriage was for and that he couldn’t imagine being married to someone that he couldn’t share his pain and his anxieties with. So we began having these conversations, first just a few a week for an hour or so, but slowly growing longer and more frequent. He would tell me how terrible he feels, and then I would try to provide some way to reframe things that would help him, and then he would either accept what I said and move on to another way in which he feels terrible or he would reject it and explain to me why my idea wouldn’t work. Sometimes we do have good conversations that genuinely help, but more often not. Now these conversations will last for hours and we will have 1-2 a day. I will find myself spending 6-8 hours a day listening to him talk about how miserable he is (no, I am not exagerrating, and it frequently starts at 4:00 in the morning). I can’t take it any more, I find myself flying into fits of rage, begging him to stop, to go to work or go to the hospital or take a nap or do anything but PLEASE to stop talking to me. His therapist and his doctor have both also told him that this is “reassurance seeking” and that he needs to stop because it is reinforcing his anxiety and keeping him from getting better. His doctor offered to admit him to the hospital to keep me from getting burnt out. He tells me that he can’t stop and I just can’t believe it–surely he could at least allow me to leave the house so that he couldn’t seek me out! But every time I try to stop a conversation, he starts in with “how can you leave me like this, can’t you see how much worse I am, I can’t believe that you could just walk out on me when I’m in a state like this.” I am coming close to a breakdown myself and I am trapped in my own home (we are both self-employed). We have been married almost 17 years and have three children. I don’t know how to stop this downward cycle–any suggestions? Otherwise, just some support would make a huge difference. I am with you all in your difficulties.
Dear ceila – you have just described my situation! I think most people assume that men don’t like to talk about things and that this then causes them to become depressed. I’m in a simular situation to you in that my partner constantly talks about how he feels and his problems, so much so that I feel constantly drained listening to it, the only escape I get is sleep. He is currently off work for 3 months with a very bad bout of it so we are both at home (I am a stay at home mum, we have a two year old). I have insisted that I carry on with my normal routine with my daughter so that I’m not trapped in with him and his dark thoughts. I can completely relate to how you are feeling. You must stand up to your husband and tell him you can not allow him to take you both down, especially as you have children to consider. My partners therapist told us that we must organise specific times to talk about our problems, almost like a meeting, so that we do not spend ours on end talking about them. I am also making my partner sleep in the spare room a couple of nights a week so that I can go to bed early and just read a book and have some quiet time away from him – this really helps. I have explained to him that the constant talking is starting to feel like a type of torture! I have also made him read this website so that he understands that while I understand the depression is causing his behaviour it doesn’t excuse him from any blame on what it’s doing to me and that also if it carries on it will have a lasting affect on our relationship because I’m not a robot or a saint! I wish u all the best in your struggle, the main thing to do is insist on your on space and time to yourself.
Thank you for your response. It is nice to know that I’m not alone, though I’m also sorry that you are in this too! Things have changed a bit since I posted, mostly because I got to the point where I simply couldn’t stand it any more and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he needed me to be with him or talking with him in order to feel safe, then he needed to be in the hospital and that I would be happy to take him there. I really mean it, and he knows that I mean it, and this has forced him to stop (mostly). I feel for you because I think it’s worse when they aren’t working–my husband is self-employed and work is slow right now. It’s really hard for him to find anything to do other than talk to me. But whenever I feel as though he’s starting to slip, I just leave the house. It upsets him, but (despite all his fears) he hasn’t had a break down yet because I’ve been gone.
I hope that things get better for both of us soon!
I fumbled on this site after having a blow out with the man I love. A little history. ..met him when he was unhappy in his 10 year marriage. He was my professor. We hit it off and have
been seeing each other for 3 years. The wife filed for divorce a year ago after he put off telling her about his unhappiness and about me. After she found out initially she kicked him out. He was a wreck but even more so now that the court date is in a few weeks.
He says he loves me and cares about me. But the next day its like a different man. He says stuff like he feels guilty for carrying on our relationship and that he shoukd have done things properly. He says he feels guilty bc he thinks his kids won’t accept me and he doesn’t know if he can bring me into their lives bc theyll see me as the reason for the divorce. He says he feels guilty bc his friends will blame him for the divorce. He says he feels guilty that he can’t be there for me 100 percent. He keeps saying guilty and I’m so sick of it. All the hurtful words don’t help and yet he still says he loves me.
The tabkes seem turned now. I used to be the insecure one. And one time a few months back he tokd me it was bc I had no faith and confidence in US. Well I told him the same thing the other day….
He seems to be so distraught and uncaring as to the words he chooses to use with me. As tho I can just take them and forget. He’s stressed about his new single life ahead and all the responsibilities he will have. He stresses about the the divorce and what people will think. He says he’s unhappy with himself and therefore he is unhappy with me. I get that he’s scared but its sooooo hard to talk positive with him bc he allows him self to stay in the hole. I try to be supportive but he views me as being selfish and only caring about myself, which isn’t the truth! Its like he’s so depressed that he cannot see the good in anything and anyone…even ME.
I tokd him I can’t change the way he feels and only HE can help himself out of this self loathing and fear. Today he blasted our chances for a future. I told him he was just scared to ACTUALLY be happy with me and that he is setting us up for failure without even giving us a fair chance.
I was at a lost of words bc it was like talking to a wall. No love. No care. Just self pity and guilt and negative.
He harped about me not giving him space and time to sort things out. I DO!!!! But he doesn’t seem to see it. He acts as if when I ask him to talk that I’m stealing away his freedom. But yet he can put off important obligations to go out with his friends. I’m the ONLY person he talks about his divorce and fears with. So it hurts to be shunned away like this.
He says that he needs to clean up his life and get things sorted and be happy with himself. I agree! But it feels awful when he projects his inability to carry out those things bc of ME when REALLY its his own doing and procrastination.
It hurts the most for me that he’s so depressed and EYE seem to be the target for his rut he feels he’s in….hurts so much.
I don’t know what to do anymore bc anything and everything I say is only viewed as insincere and selfish. I told him I care about him as a person ans want him to be happy and confident in himself. But as with everything. …he had a negative response. He said I hope you meant that. As if I didn’t??? I told him he doesn’t have trust in me anymore. He said he doesn’t think I’m getting HIS point.
I don’t think he has a REAL point except that he’s feeling depressed and sorry for himself.
What am I to do????
Help
Hi firefly, I understand what you are going through. I think your b/f’s life in last few months has become too complicated and its ok to be confused. But it seems as if he was not transparent about his relationship with you to his family and friends and hence the guilt is normal. This is his moment of facing the music. So you can’t do much. Its hard to be calm. But, I suggest be patient. Try not to initiate these talk with him. Do not advise him to do the right thing. Or else he may feel that you are pushing your agenda. I think, he realizes that his guilt is his own to bare. Let him solve his problem himself. By getting involved in this you are directly coming in the line of fire. Be with him, show you care but with a cup of coffee or a meal. Also, he might need a shrink to seek some clarity. There are some risks involved by getting into a relationship with a married individual. But clearly, he was not happy in his marriage or else he would’nt have been with you. Do not loose hope but try to concentrate on other areas of your life. Its critical for you to strike a balance in your life too.
Good Luck! 🙂
Thanks for your response!
You are pretty spot on with what I was feeling and what I was thinking. We are at a point where I feel I am walking on thin ice with my bf. All his guilt and shame has gotten the best of him. I know I haven’t been of better help by wanting him to be more assertive in getting his life together. I have never told him to get his butt in gear because I felt it might be too much added pressure. So I trusted he would be fine on his own accord. Months later I see that he was procrastinating prob from fear of the unknown as well as not dealing with his guilt.
For now I have been keeping my distance and just texting short GM to see how he’s doing. He responds but I can tell its reluctantly. As tho he’s afraid he will lose focus or maybe he’s still upset that I told him that he’s feeling sorry for himself last week. I know that was insensitive but its kinda the truth and I was at a point where I couldn’t take being the target of his rant.
I will slowly taper off even texting him unless he contacts me. Because although I do care how he’s doing it also hurts that he is being stone.
His court date for divorce is coming up in a month. I will do as you suggest and stay out of the line of fire.
I do miss him. I miss seeing a smile on his face and feel a bit awful that he sees me as a potential enemy at the time he needs support the most.
firefly try to understand that it is the depression that makes him see you as an enemy…or so he says. The guilt one feels with depression is insane. If he is like me, my depression forced me away only to protect my partner not to hurt them. You express blame but inside it is shame. Does this make sense ? The depressed truly feels they are hurting everyone and it is the last thing we want to do.
I understand. He uses the word shame to describe himself. He sometimes says he feels ashamed of himself and what others will think of him for the decisions he has made.
I understand he may feel like he is trying to protect me but he really is only making things feel worse. I guess its frustrating to see him not deal with his battles face on and instead see him hiding from them. This kinda makes it difficult for anything to flourish when he is a roller coaster of mixed emotions. He doesn’t want help. Sometimes I think he feels inferior when its offered. But its only because people care.
I can see how he is struggling and I know that it is something he needs to work on himself while I silently stand by his side with compassion. I try to reassure him and let him know that he’s not alone. I don’t want to give up on him just yet. I wouldn’t want him to give up So we shall see
Hi
In my case am the one who is suffering depression but the sad thing is that noone seem to understand what am going thru even though i have a very loving family. Moreso i am yet to get treatment bcos at d moment am out of job so am unable to raise d cost of treatment d psychotherapist asked me to bring.
As at November 2012 i ws stil in a relationship with a man who has bn very wonderful in caring for me, i can say i culd nt have gotten someone who culd be as understanding and supportive as he is. My depression affected me so much that as much as i desire to give him all my love, i get easily irritated, cry alot, experience sleeplessness, anger alot as well. We were already planning our wedding. Until i got angered late november and got physical with him,told him i dont want him again in my life. He was shocked, later when i calmed down i felt so ashamed and pained bcos he has been so understanding, i never bliv my condition culd get to this state. I begged him, but he doesnt seem interested again after the incident. Now i feel so worthless and helpless having lost such a caring, loving man. I dont know what to do bcos i love him so much
Hi May,
I understand what you have gone through. But the damage has already been done. At this point, I think you should try not to panic about loosing him. Give yourself some time to recover fully. Even if he takes you back in his life and gives both of you another chance, you might again cause him hurt by getting back into depression after a while. Hang in there and let the heat cool off. If he really loves you, he may come back someday.
Good Luck
Kiwi what is your connection with depression? I think a lot of advice you’ve given on here is off the mark and incorrect.
May,
You have to deal with your depression first before you try to deal with your relationship. From my expererience, you won’t be happy with anything or anyone until you are happy with yourself. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is very important to take care of yourself first. I understand you love him and want him back in your life, but it will continue on the same path if left untreated. Please talk to a doctor and find out what they can do for you in your area.
I agree totally that you need to be happy with yourself first. Not just people with depression….EVERYONE
Hi Sarah, at this point in my life, I am trying to move on even though someone gave up on me who suffers with depression. In her reasoning, depression is not the reason why she wants a break. More things that came out from nowhere left me in shock. Shattered and devastated. I think, people who are in a relationship with depression patients have a life of their own to live and care about too. I have seen normal and healthy people spoiling there lives over people who are in a state of depression and that includes me. No matter how much you blame depression, one has to claim responsibility of their actions when they are in it. And “Yes” it is definitely infectious. They need time off- thats fine, they want to explore other love options-thats fine, they feel they don’t need us- thats fine too.
But they should not expect us to be taking them back after they put us through all this and much more. Instead, should concentrate on their own lives and leave us alone if we have somehow managed to moved on. Real love is not always about acquiring but to be selfless…..
Cant take this pain much longer… My partner left end of Nov 2012… We have been together almost 8 years, with a break of a year in the middle. The last 30 months have been very painful. After getting back together ( weeks later) I noticed, he was withdrawing emotionally…. At first I thought nothing of it, thinking, stress, ect… Months go by I keep asking “whats going on” He brushes it off, and does not want to even talk about it… I let it go for a few weeks, getting less and less affection.. i bring it up, he now is getting angry, cussing, and running from me just to “NOT have a conversation… A year goes by… My anzeity is on High… daily… trying to figure out what is wrong… guessing… imagining… going literally crazy! I write emails trying to comunicate… he is now completely shut down… He literally lived with me but ignoring me most of the time escaping to tv every night… Hardly speaking, Lovemaking felt like I was treated as the stranger, I felt he didnt even want to kiss me anymore…I ask many times , ” do you want to leave? Should we break up, because I feel you are not happy here anymore… he kept saying, he know he loves me, but its buried in his heart, and he FEELS dead, and FEELS no love… I tell him Ok, if you want to work on this go to a therapist… he goes for 3 months and quits… During this time his anger got out of control… during my wanting to talk… he ending up cussing at me… calling me really bad names…I say you need to go on medication… He goes back to a med doctor, who precribes him zoloft… I thing the dosage was to much… 150 ml… He then was getting even worse… zombie state… During a small dissagreement, he tells me he want to leave… He feels guilty, cannot look me in the eyes saying he knows how much he is hurting me… He is moving out to be a recluse and hopefully “fix himself…. He moved out weeks before Christmas…We do work together, I see him daily, he walks by me says hi, and keeps going… He is hiding behind his desk most days, looks Flat, sad, or indifferent most of the time… I feel my heart is broken in thousands of pieces.. I am Still in total disbelief… The man I loved so much.. just walked away… without even looking back… I know he is depressed… I know the medication made it worse… i cry daily, lost 10 pounds, and I feel I just sit here waiting, waiting for him to show up at the door… I do know he is sitting in his new apartment, wallowing in his deprression, escaping to tv, playstation and sleeping… he has cut himself off from most people…. I feel so helpless, I want to help him, but he will not accept it… I feel I am dying a slow death here
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During the meds ( 2-3 months his anger goes away… He becomes very mellow, which was a good thing… but he emtionally becomes completely dead…..
Reading your post made me write for the fist time on this forum. If only you knew how much what you have gone through is reflected in the relationship with my husband and myself. My husband left in July for what I thought was a trial separation. I really had no idea how much depression was affecting him, but over the next few months I did everything I could to learn more about the disease and how it affects people. It made me have a better appreciation of why things happened the way they did. Don’t think for a second that having a more nuanced view of how depression affects relationships has caused anything in my marriage to improve. My husband will not come home, and distance is making his heart grow fungus- not fonder. I miss him with every cell in my being, and the fact he won’t come home is heartbreaking. I keep telling myself that I just have to ride this out (it’s been almost 6 months since he left) but it’s getting harder and harder to do. I saw him for 5 minutes over Christmas and noticed that he no longer wears his wedding ring. We separated, he’s moving on, and here I am left hanging, mostly because I do not want to let him go. Completely helpless I tell ya! Going to therapy, reading self help books, trying to exercise, pretending not to take this personally, reading and learning about depression…….have not produced the results I want- that my husband returns to me. Wish I had answers for ya….just haven’t figured it out yet. But I hear ya sista…I’m kinda in the same boat. I’m actually trying really hard not to fall victim to depression myself. Tough times.
Kerry:
Your post was very difficult for me to read because I could have written the same story about myself and my husband–except that I was the depressed one who left. Some of the advice I have you won’t like, but hopefully it will be somewhat helpful.
The ‘thing’ about depression is that it makes you believe you are unhappy with the situation you are in–your job, where you live, or the relationship you are in. It’s hard to understand why this happens, but the best way to explain it as I experienced it is that your spouse is supposed to be the one in the world who can make you feel happy and fulfilled, despite everything else in your life. And if you’re a victim of serious depression, you suddenly find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled for “no reason” (i.e. depression, which doesn’t always have a triggering event–it can happen spontaneously). Your default reaction is to think it must be your spouse’s fault–they’re the person who is supposed to understand you, to fix everything, and make it all better, and when they can’t, they’re at fault for the unhappiness.
The depressed person then urgently tries to fix the thing that is making them feel sad–they might leave work, feel the sudden urge to go on vacation or move, or in our cases, the depressed person flees the relationship. You actually believe it is your spouse who is causing you to be sick, and your reaction is to get away as soon as possible. You even feel deep resentment for that person. I suspect this is how your husband feels, and for absolutely NO reason other than depression is wreaking havoc in his head. It impairs your ability to think clearly, to manage emotions, to think critically. (Which is why they say not to make any big decisions when you’re severely depressed.) Although your husband might sound coherent, a person’s judgment in a depressed head is severely impaired.
I know how you feel, which is exactly how my husband felt when I left him. As much as you try to understand the nuances of depression, it doesn’t produce the result you want, which to have your spouse back as they were before. But it’s going to take a lot of time and patience. It could take months or longer (1 1/2 years in my case) to fully recover from depression–and often it’s never a matter of “recovering” but being in remission and learning to manage the lifelong illness. There is very little you can do to knock him out of it, and even if he wakes up tomorrow and realizes how bad his illness is and commits to fixing it, it will take some time and serious effort on his part to fix it.
For practical purposes, you can’t treat him like a rational person for the time being. You have to think of him as the victim of something very serious. It’s hard to believe that depression can cause the kind of behavior he is exhibiting, but it absolutely does. The depressed person doesn’t “see” what they’re doing, they don’t see what they’re doing is wrong, and they don’t see what they’re doing can cause real permanent damage.
In my case, my husband did not realize how sick I was (neither did I) and he got tired of waiting for me to come back. And I don’t blame him because I was truly awful. And now of course, I regret everything and know that I lost the best person I’ve ever met. I’m sure in time, your husband will feel the same way. My honest advice would be to suggest legal separation or divorce to him (not that you actually want to go through with it), but that sometimes the depressed person doesn’t realize how bad things are until they see what they’re losing.
In the meantime, there’s not much you can do except absolutely don’t take it personally, remember that he is a victim of a serious illness and it’s not his fault, or yours.
If you are wiling to be patient and give him the space he needs to figure things out, in time (and it might take a LOT of time), things will work out.
The story you just described is me exactly. This is exactly what happened to me but I am the other partner. I am the depressed one and you story is precisely what happened to me. The anger the guilt..everything is the same. I now am deeply depressed as I have lost the woman I love so much but couldn’t see the things I was doing wrong.
You are all welcome to ask me questions as to “why” a person does such things and I will try my best to answer them. Maybe one of you can tell me how to expain to my ex what I have done in a way the she may understand that it was not in my control. I love her so much but hurt her so much at the same time…unknowingly. Please help.
Hi Beenthere, can you give us some more background on your story please? Did you live with your ex and how did you push her away? Thank you.
Four years ago I met the love of my life. She was starting a new teaching job in a new city, after a exiting a terrible relationship. We were both from the same small town and knew of each other but that was about it. I had a small crush on her back then, that was about it. 20 years later we met up on facebook. Anyway, we both moved to the new city together along with her 12 year old daughter. I sold my home and was in the process of selling my business in order to move on together and get married. Due to her past relationship she had insecurity issues which drove me up a wall. So when we first met we opened up to each other completely for the first time in my life I felt that I had no walls around me. One of the first things I told her when we met is that I mostly stayed home alot of the times as I was so sick of drama….at the time I was 41 she was 33. I told her that I used to smoke pot almost every night. Not realizing at the time that I was self medicating for what I now know as depression.
Sorry if this all seems muttled as I am currently severely depressed and it is very hard for me to concentrate on one thought at a time.
Many events took place between us, starting our new life together started by her one day announcing that she was pregnant. I had an anxiety or panic attack instead of being happy. We only discussed having a child once or twice up to that point. Then the complications started…turns out she had endometriosis and had a miscarriage. I was blameed a few times for infidelity type actions which were totaly untrue. As time together went on I slowly found myself withdrawing from her. I worked the long hours, sex became distant, I became distant. She knew it and told me so. My irritablily and anger came from no where…to me it was unexplainable. The smallest thing would make me mad. We no longer kissed each good morning or good night. She tried so hard to make me happy again by doing little loving things. None of it mattered I just shut down more and more.
Finally two springs ago, after not working all winter but trying to make a go of it by trading stocks….which I failed at….I told her one day out of the blue that I felt dead inside. I had not made any real friends in the new city in two years. I had told her once that if she ever blamed me for cheating on her ever again that I would leave…well she did.
I finally told her I couldn’t take any of it any more and I was leaving. She asked for us to go to councelling but I said if we need it now what is going to happen later……I know …so stupid of me. So we split up…a month later she contacted me and asked if we could work things out I of course said yes. The long and short of it is we tried a long disatance relationship …which she always told me she hated… every time I was there I was irritable.
Finally last March I again said that was it and that I was never coming back again. I spent the summer totaly involved in my business working 18 to 19 hour days and on 3 occasions I worked around the clock. My mind was totally consumed. As it is a seasonal business once September came and it slowed down. I looked on facebook to see that she had moved on with another person in April and it killed me. Since that time I have gone off the deep end. I started slipping into full on depression, I’ve had panic attacks, anxiety. I came to realize that I caused so much pain in our relationship, the guilt was starting to eat away at me. So the more distant I became the more unloved she felt and the more unloved she felt the more she blamed me. Does that make sense.
I know none of this what I wrote probably made any sense…I am so messed up right now.
I’ll try post again and be more specific. This is so hard for me to write right now.
I basically withdrew from everything. I just thought I was tired from work, but now after reading these posts I think it was much more than that. I threw a lot of blame for things her way that may not have been all her fault. She often would tell me that I was sucking all the energy out of her, and how apathetic I was. Evening were spent basically watching TV. We would try to have a family night, but it often turned out with someone being ticked off by the end. At first me and her daughter got along great but then she turned 13 and we started butting heads. We would often spend many days not speaking to each other. I thought I was just trying to teach her responsibilities but she thought different. I should say that once we got together I quit smoking pot. I felt I no longer needed it once I had found her.
You wrote your story very eloquently Beenthere and I am so sorry to hear of the pain you have gone through and are currently experiencing.
Have you thought about writing a letter to your former partner, explaining how the depression made you say and do things that were out of your control?
I’m sure that it would also be nice for her to know that you are receiving medical treatment for your severe depression and are no longer self-medicating, as hopefully this is the case…?
The Depression Fallout message board forum has a section that ‘contains informative posts from members who are depression sufferers and their personal experiences with their own battles with depression’. I’m sure if you posted there it would be of help to other sufferers and ‘fallout’ partners. There are many people desperate to know why their depressed loved ones are pushing them away and I’m sure your input would be very welcome and beneficial.
Sincere best wishes, K
Thank you K for your kind words. I wish I could write her, she doesn’t even know that it was depression that caused it all. The last communication we had, she had moved on and told me that there was just too much destruction in our relationship. I would do anything to have her back, unfortunately it’s never going to be again. The fact of that has now put me even deeper into a clinical state of depression and anxiety. I wrote several emails in the mean time to the point where I completely pushed her away. Now I just want to send this one last email to her, the one you suggested K. Whether or not I ever will I don’t know.
Beenthere:
You and I have almost mirror experiences with our relationships and depression. I pushed my husband away, the absolute love of my life, and he finally moved on and moved in with someone else, and I’m totally shattered. It plunged me back into a deep despair and I had to go (back) on heavy anti-depressants. He knows I had depression but he doesn’t realize how bad it really was or that it was the exact thing causing the destruction in the relationship. I, too, sent him emails that pushed him further away (and it had everything to do with the fact that I was in such a state of despair, I didn’t know what I was saying or doing anymore and I felt numb and dead inside, and thought I hated everyone and everything). In reality, the underlying relationship was great–we were compatible, it was special, everything was right until depression came along. I’ve been drafting a letter to him going on about 10 months now that I never seem to finish or that I don’t have the guts to send him because I don’t want to be disrespectful towards his current relationship or sound like I’m belaboring the past. Even though it might not bring him back (and probably won’t), I know it will make me feel better sending it to him, and who knows, maybe he will like what I have to say and maybe he doesn’t feel that deep connection with her that he did with me? And maybe (just maybe) your ex feels the same way? So maybe we can exchange letter ideas, ha. But I think the focus needs to be on you and getting better for right now, not on her. If she hears an email from you when you’re in a happier place, that would make the letter more compelling than if you were to send her another depressed/negative email.
Wow Sara our stories are exactly the same. I really didn’t know what I was writting towards the end as they didn’t make any sense any more. I too originaly wrote her and her daughter a letter each with her permission and as you say didn’t want to finish writting it and told her so in the letter. I stated that as long as kept writting the letter the our conversation could go on for ever. I was still pretty sensible then…not like now. I’ve written so many other emails that I have never sent, just saved them as a draft.
Sara it is so strange to hear all these stories being so so similar to each other. The exact same thing transpires in the same order. I just want her to see these stories and she could judge for herself whether or not she thinks it is just me or the illness of depression that tore us apart. In all the stories the significant other that leaves…rarely tells the other that they do not love them and that they just think they would be better off without them. I never said that to her but it is exactly how I felt. Some how I thought her and her daughter would be better off without me …. and so I ran away. You can email me anytime Sara I would like to chat. Don’t know how to give you it however. I am on Daily Strength my user id is jackfish01. There are many supportive people there.
I should also say, her thoughts on what depression is and does to a person wasn’t accurate . We used to discuss my mother as she was diagnosed 7 years ago with anxiety/depression. She though depression was only if you were bed riddin and couldn’t do anything. Maybe I was crying out for help with prior to leaving ….. and never got it.
Hi Sarah and Beenthere,
I read both your stories. I now understand what both of you are going through. But don’t you think writing your respective spouses a letter even if they have settled with someone else with great triumph will again be selfish on your part. I think the best way both you can appreciate their importance in your lives is to leave them alone and move on with your own life. I know you were going through depression but real recovery would be coming out of it with a selfless feeling for them and making sure they are not bothered or messed up even for a sec. Think bout it 🙂
Good Luck
Hi again been there, you are an inspiration and should be so proud of your road to recovery. You show so much self awareness it’s commendable. You really hit the nail on the head with your explanation so much so I read it to my partner who agreed. My partner said he’s always felt that unworthy feeling and can’t even imagine not feeling that. It makes sense though as the therapist digs she s suggested he’s been like this as a child and I’ve always believed his depression has been lifelong.you have given me more insight than I’ve gotten out of therapy so I thank you very much. I hope your ex partner realises the work u have put in. You mentioned something earlier about chia seeds can u share ????
I would like to inquire…..
What does it take to have the depressed partner see what they may potentially lose in a relationship? Does that ever happen before it’s too late? Why can you see the goodness of your partner now that she’s gone? Did you guys talk and have open communication? Or at the moment did anything she say seem negative to you? Did you truly ever give her an opportunity to say how she was feeling? And if you did, did you think she was off base? Sometimes I think people who suffer from depression are so obsessed with their pain that they want to find someone to blame. What do you think you need to do for yourself in order to rise up?
firefly, the depression clouds your head so much, they need to realize that they have depression first off, secondly they need to seek help for it. I don’t know for sure but I think if I had read this blog I would have seen the similarities within myself and realized that I was ill with the disease and sought the help needed to fix myself. Counselling is the number one thing I believe. Unfortunately, you as the partner probably will not be able to explain this to your depressed partner. They have to realize it for themselves…you can suggest to them that they read this. It may and may not work. Its worth a shot. Like I said I wish I had read this while we were still together.
Hi been there , I’m curious to know if depressed ppl lose a conscious ??? The reason I ask such a blunt question is my partner who suffers depression did a complete personality change. He went from being a very decent person with good values and morals etc . To going on dating sites hitting pornography taking sexual enhancements really opposite behaviour. Without any thought to me or the family only 3 months after baby was born. But on the other hand saying I love you etc. I had temporarily moved out of the house. Wanting to come back home but him saying I need some time to get better yet doing all this stuff. Now tells me doesn’t know why he did it . Therapist says an embellishment or him searching for feelings I normally provide ??? I’m not sure about this I’ve been thru this behaviour twice . Is depression an excuse to do this to your loved ones ???
Believe it or not I have read many many stories of your exact situation. Where the depressed goes of and either does as your partner is doing or they go off and become problem gamblers or they fill the void in what ever way they can, and you must understand ….depression is not the same as you saying you are feeling blue. The chemicals with the brain and body have changed which in turn changes the person, and more often than not, the person does not even realize it….that is until they hit rock bottom that is the point where all that suffer depression unknown to them finally realize they have an illness. I was lucky I realize on my way down that I had the illness I was however unable to do anything about it as it took over my life day by day more and more until I was nothing more than a lump on the couch. I then went to my doctor for help. Help in the form of medication, medication to sleep, and antidepressants to help get me going again for with out it I feel it would have been impossible to do. But as I say I was lucky as I knew I had the illness before rock bottom and so I filled the void on learning about my illness that filled all my time, no gambling, no women, no wild reckless acts which are all traits of depression. Feel free to ask any other questions you may have about the illness I will try to answer as best I can. I am also now proud to say I no longer take any sleeping pills or antidepressants. I have my reasons as to why I had such a quick recovery I still have a long way to go though. Therapy, counseling and exercise became a large factor in my recover. The meds are just there to help you get to the therapy or counseling. Chia seeds is the only other difference I have made in my life since hitting rock bottom.
Believe me Marikka it is not intentional and no it is not nor should it be used as an excuse. I hear the same comment from many of the depressed partners significant other. It is not an excuse but at the same time it is not the same person you fell in love with…..it is but it isn’t . I am now the same person that my partner originally fell in love with ….I just hope she realizes it.
I wonder the same thing about losing their conscience….
I don’t know exactly what point it began but I feel that my now ex bf has lost his. He had started to lose it a few weeks before we split or at least that is what I f eel. I could no longer take the bouts of showers of love and care followed by lashes of coldness and confusion. I stopped trying to cultivate the foundation as it appeared he was so engrossed in his life stresses that he could no longer show empathy or feelings that matched the many times he would say how important I was to him.
After we split, and it was him hinting at it but not saying the words. ….things became more apparent that he was a different person. I asked if he thought this was permanent or if he wanted to take a break from the relationship. He couldn’t even answer a yes or no. He kept talking about not saying no because he didn’t know for sure and he didn’t want to say yes because he didn’t want to disappoint me if he couldn’t deliver. Either which way I was still in limbo. His words before we split were all over the place. He said he loves me, cares for me, and has feelings for me and blah blah. Fine. I feel the same but know by his erratic unstable behavior that he’s in some dark place that I cannot reach. He made a comment about him being unhappy with me because he was unhappy with himself and mostly the reasons he was unhappy was because of the relationship…..meaning all the guilt he was dealing with that I had written about above previously. He said a relationship is about two happy people not just one. I agree. But honestly I think he’s in denial because I deep down believe he hasn’t truly been a happy person since his divorce process started. I feel like he’s trying to find an easy escape route because he doesn’t want to deal with issues up front and rather them disappear so he doesn’t have to go thru any type of alterations, emotional or physical.
So I let him be. I was hurt and sad. I felt confused because I still care and love him but its like fighting a battle that can’t be won. It took me a few days to realize that EYE am not the one with the problem but he is the one. And even tho he has said I did nothing wrong, I feel like I could have been more sensitive to his emotional stagnancy and the type of communication and dynamics he had with his wife for the last 20 years. I think this is very important! He always said his soon to be ex would make him feel undesirable, call him stupid, shut him out, argue to the point where nothing get solved but 10 more issues get added, always telling him what to do, always pretending in front of friends and family like they were perfectly happy (which he did too), make comments about him to the kids in facetious ways, ignore him to make him feel guilty, etc. For the three years we were together I showed him that this type of communication was not healthy. He was receptive for the first two years but once the divorce started, I noticed he was exhibiting the exact treatment he had with his wife. Its like the saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. I started to feel like he was reliving his past within our relationship. It sucked. During our break up chat he said he didn’t want me to hate him and that he wants me to be ok but that he needed to clean his life up. To this day, I don’t know if that’s the whole truth but I accepted his words and he told me that I am so important to him and have made a huge positive impact on his life. I don’t know if I believe that and I’ll explain a bit why.
We’ve been split up for almost two months and when he sees me at work its still the same rollercoaster of emotions with him. One day he’s nice and sweet and acts like we haven’t seen eachother for years. Hes engaging and seems happy. Then I’d see him an hour later and he’s cold and a jerk. This went on for two or three weeks and I finally told him I could not handle this hot and cold anymore. He said he felt like anytime he was nice to me that he felt I might want more than a friendship. I was appalled. I told him I dont want to be in a relationship with him right now because he is unstable and has a lot to of deadlines and issues to deal with first. I told him to get an ego check because there ARE other important family and friends that are also in my life that I am enjoying. It seemed my comment of me not actually wanting him made him turn nice again but I decided to stay away from him and let him talk when he felt like it. And when he did, I answered politely but made sure not to get too happy because I didn’t want to get burned again. This was ok but he would get upset when I wouldn’t give 100% attention to him. REPEAT….I AM SCARED HE WILL turn cold on me once Im my true self around him.I told him right now I don’t trust him completely. When he talks of fun things he does over the weekend, I listen and feel happy for him. I make sure I ask how his football games are going and how his running matches went. He is genuine and happy that I ask and am happy for him. Of course I am! Like he said of me, he is important to me too and I am thrilled when he has something good going on. When I mention something positive happening to me or a trip or concert I’m going to, he sits there and its as tho I’m talking to the wall. He acts like he doesn’t hear and when he responds its with an irritable “uh!”. Whats up with that? Its like he’s mad that I can actually be happy without him? Is he jealous? I don’t get it.
The final straw came the other day when he had asked about my doctor appt and I told him I needed to get a biopsy done. His immediate response was if I could let him know the results so that he knew if he had to worry about any diseases too(as in STD). I was hurt and disgusted. First off, his immediate response wasn’t to ask if I was OK but rather he made my situation about himself. And secondly, I told him I haven’t touched anyone else for the last three years. I told him his comment was insensitive and he got super mad and stood up to walk away. No apology. He said he didn’t need a lecture. I was fed up to the gills. No conscience at all! I told him how I felt he was selfish and everything was about him and his feelings and what people think aboutn him…him….him. he sat there silently and finally he spoke up and said like a 7 year old, “Oh yeah, well remember last week you facetiously told me to have a nice day?!”. I told him to get over it and that I wasn’t playing this blame shift or deflecting game with him anymore! I told him that I had been trying for the last two months ro be cordial and supportive but that he is brainwashed into thinking negative things about me and my intentions. I told him I put up with his crap for three years and have been ultra sensitive knowing he hadnt had a clean example of a healthy relationship while married for 20 years. But i made a point to tell him that since IN HIS WORDS (during our break up chat) theres no WE right now, that i dont feel obligated to be as sensitive to his feelings anymore since we arent in a relationship. He had no words but his face was red and his lips curled. I told him that he says I’m his best friend but he treats me like I’m trash. I told him he was so self absorbed and lived in a bubble. I told him if he’s going to continue treating me like crap, I’m going to return the favor. If he’s gonna be consistently cordial and nice, I’ll return the favor too. It can’t be all one sided where I’m doing all the work and right now I don’t even know if its worth salvaging a friendship with someone in his condition. I don’t know how he will be when I see him at work again as this is the only time we have contact now. But I’m afraid he will either be stone or cycle back to his seemingly happy mask and hit repeat. I will say that despite his erratic display of emotions or lack of, I still care for him. And i want to believe that under all the layers of hurt and guilt and anger that the good person I have known is still there waiting to be freed. I know it sounds dumb of me but I do also feel a sense of compassion towards him and also feel sorry he hasnt the right frame of mind nor courage to emerge thru this difficult period instead of mulling in it. I am at a loss with his behavior and thinking with everything I just wrote about. Is this NORMAL behavior with someone going thru depression?
Sorry for the long vent session:(
P.S. I had suggested he see a counselor again like he did when the divorce was filed but HE feels he’s perfectly fine. I had also suggested he open up to his male friends to get male perspective and have someone else to talk to besides me. Also because I feel its not biased advice shoulders. He said he rather not anyome know what he’s going thru and guys don’t talk about feelings. He said no family or friends know why hes divorcing. He said many dont know but hes preparing foenhis soon to be ex to slander him to everyone…..which if he was forthcoming hed stand up for himself and let it be known he was unhappy for years and not use our relationship as the tell all kill all. In his head he fears they and his family would judge him for seeing me and would think he was a bad person. I empathize with his thought but I dont agree with writing things before they even happen. The truth they say, sets you free…
Been there, we’ve actually come back together now but I’m still finding it difficult to come to terms with everything that’s happened. So many lies …….. I suspected stuff at the time he denied it that can’t be depression ???? Obviously from my snooping I found things out then confronted him and the rest follows he says when your depressed you don’t think of other ppls feelings your just trying to survive. But too me telling your partner by day you want them then by night doing all this other stuff seems so crazy . He tells me now he can’t believe he did it and can’t say why because he does t even know. I find that unimaginable. He’s never been into this stuff so I guess I question did I even know him. Some woman hit him up for his number and he gave it to her said he felt pressured and couldn’t say no. We were going to therapy and the therapist told him he had to kick his parents out if we wanted to save out relationship and he couldn’t do that even knowing I was living with family with 12 ppl in a house. Says he didn’t even think of that even though I told him. Do depressed ppl not think ???? Is it all about them ?? It’s like at times he’s lost his memory. I find things out he explains I’m like why didn’t u tell me he’s like I didn’t remember until u confronted me. Is memory loss a problem ??? I’m like do I have to live my life worrying u will do this again??? I’m very understanding but it’s hard when I’ve bad so many lies and I keep finding stuff out because he forgets. Maybe u can explain that. I’m thankful for taking the time to reply and so glad to hear your on your road to recovery. I feel so cheated sometimes because I’m like why me he had such a horrible past marriage and we’ve had such a lovely relationship I feel why did this happen now.
Hi firefly , I feel for you because it’s battling to try and understand their actions. When someone you love pushes you away it hurts. The push and pull they put you thru almost drives you mad. I’m at the moment looking deeper in myself as to why I allowed myself to be tangled in it. I feel when your in a good place yourself you would handle it better yourself. Sometimes taking a look within helps with all the madness. In my partners case his poor self esteem lack of assertiveness in his life sweeping things under the carpet finally took its toll on him. I could tell him till I was blue in the face and he didn’t hear what I was saying. Fortunately the therapist has come to same conclusion and he’s working thru it. U ask the same question why didn’t it happen in the last relationship why now in the good one. I ask that all the time still haven’t figured it out . We had , had a baby when it hit hard I was devastated he wasn’t even bonding with her. Someone said to me once you can’t make sense of madness and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. But u can’t and when they are off doing this stuff it just feels like that. I guess when they finally realise what’s gone on its hard for them to deal with what’s happened. My partner who I’m back with now said nothing I could of said and done would of stopped it. He found it more harder to deal with me saying things hence arguing and distancing himself more. I wish you the love and happiness you deserve and hope it works out for you. He has to be the one to recognise it and make the changes. It’s out of your hands.
Marrika,
Yes its a battle. Although I know its a battle for him too. I also have been looking on the inside to see what I have done or didn’t do and have taken a deeper view on who I truly am. The type of behavior in general that you and I experience from our loved one is very draining but like you said, its all in their hands.
In my case, I am at war with how much more I can withstand. I do want to be there for him because I care, but how much more of being a doormat to his outlashes will I take? I agree that when you yourself are in a better place its easier to deal with when you are exposed to their behavior. But it still is confusing and hurtful at times. Sometimes I wonder also if he knows what he says and does. He also had a problem with sweeping things under the carpet and waiting for everything to pile up which causes more stress. And like you, when I mentioned it, he would turn on me and shift blame. Its a vicious cycle for two people to go thru. I have not mentioned anything about his responsibilities he has pending to him anymore. And I don’t know what or how he uses all his time now since we haven’t been together for almost two months. But like your loved one, he has exhibited tendancies for risky behavior and fantansies. I don’t want to assume this is what he is doing in his freetime but its not my say anymore. As far as how he treats me when we see eachothet, that is a different story. Although I sympathise that he is in a dark place right now, I don’t feel that letting him continue to use insensitive words towards me is right and I have been standing up for myself. If he can’t see it then that’s not my problem, its his. There has to be boundaries when it comes to this things. All I can do is make him aware of how I feel and let it pass within myself. Everything else after that is up to him. I don’t know if he will ever or if he realizes what he does and says, but I know he is slowly seeing that I am not going to take it anymore. I pray he heals or comes into the light. He says he doesn’t want to lose me in his life, but his behavior isn’t matching up.
I hope your situation gets better everyday. You sound like a good person who truly cares for your man. Take care of the self too:)
Hi firefly, today’s a good day for me because even though we are back together after being apart for almost 3 months it’s still been a roller coaster. Still very hurtful somedays but its getting fewer . While I was apart from him I also seeked therapy as you know it’s so easy to blame yourself and the last few days whilst writing on here it’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Today I’ve made a conscious decision to focus on the coping tools I’ve been given its hard but whilst we try and work it out life is flying by . I’m reading a book called hidden victims hidden healers and its about ppl In our situation very helpful. It looks deeper into why we take on these rolls with the depressed partner and how to keep yourself in check and support someone in a healthy way . If u get the opportunity read it. Setting boundaries etc. my partner and I battled for months the antidepressants took ages to work and finally when dose was increased we were able to talk with him actually not being shut off and it was the right timing for me to put my foot down and say enough was enough and if he didn’t come home and put the effort in I was out. I’d said it many a times . But I guess when he seen I was in a good place rather than begging him or fighting with him to come back be knew I ment it this time. But I think until they are in the start to recovery your words are fruitless. I hope your man gets the help he needs so you both have a chance to recover. It’s a lot of work and still painful I’ve been thru this 2 times. The first time he wasn’t as bad but still did same things took his tablets for 4 months started to feel better and ditched them. So u can imagine how hard the fall was this time. This time he never wants to go off them because he knows how bad he will fall if he comes off too early. He was suicidal this time and it scares him. It’s a crazy illness that somedays makes me feel angry, sad, hurt and missing the person I fell in love with but on the bright side he’s starting to heal and deal with all the things in his life that got him into this place so I’m hopeful I may just have a new and improved partner. Sending you positive thoughts all will work out the way it’s suppose too.
I’ve never understood the risky behavior thing as I never exhibited it personally. You ask why it never happened in his previous relationship….. believe me depression is always there. The fact that it was a horrible relationship by the sounds of it is why non of the symptoms that you had to endure were present in the other. For it is the prior relationship that depression loves, remember depression is self pity. You are or become unworthy. When you are in a loving relationship you feel so unworthy of your partner but if you are in a horrible relationship with no love…. that feeling of unworthiness can not exist or does not exist. Depression will never show itself in a relationship like that because it is exactly where it wants to be…it is content. It is only when you are in a loving relationship with true love that the depression will show up and sabotage it all. It will do it’s best to destroy the loving relationship. It will tell you that you are not worthy of your partner and that your partner deserves so much better than yourself, and so the self destruction of the relationship begins…. all unknown to you initially. It’s such a crazy illness you guys you have no idea of what it is all capable of doing, and you have no control over any of it. Mostly because you don’t think there is anything wrong with you…you think all of this behavior is completely normal….but nothing can be further from the truth because it is everything but normal.
So the orginal question of do depressed ppl lose conscious…no …I never…I knew of every thing I did….. I felt I was doing it to protect my partner…from me. For I was not worthy. The other thing is I had no answers to WHY I was doing some of the things I did. It took me two years to figure out why I did some of the thing I did in the relationship. Now I know I did them because I suffered from an illness called depression.
What I am trying to say is you more conscious than ever, its is so huge that now controls your life. You conscious bothers you so much that it slowly starts tearing you down little by little. It is you conscious that tells you to go and leave that beautiful person that is in you live that you do not deserve.
Beenthere,
My husband is exhibiting the same behavior as you did. It is INCREDBLY difficult for me to understand and feel compassion for his behavior. Prior to us getting married, knowing that he had bouts of depression in the past, he assured me that all was worked out. We had long conversations about his feelings and his “coming out of it” in a few days or so. Yet, once we married, and the stress of lay-offs, family disputes and moving… the time he spent alone, sleeping, watching TV, or on the computer increased exponentially. After 3 years of these episodes happening on and off.. and the this episode lasting over 6 months so far….It became painfully obviously to me that something was very wrong. Our once exciting sex life ended. I would try to connect physically and emotionally- only to be rejected time and time again. He contributed his behavior to stress, and asked me to be patient. After a week of silence from him, I blurted out that we needed to see a marriage counselor, and he agreed. But when I asked him why he thought it was necessary he (finally) said “ I need to find out why I’m so unhappy!” Inside, I breathed a sigh of relief! For the last few months, I had been trying to get him to admit to his unhappiness. When he would try to blame me for it, I would respond by asking for specifics. Yelling, “Tell me what I am or am not doing that is making you unhappy!” He could never answer. He would say “Love isn’t enough.”
I am happy that he is accepting that he/we need help. Our 1st appointment with a marriage counselor with specialty in depression is in just a few days. However, in getting to this point I am now faced with the following questions:
1. How can I thrive in a relationship that is not mutually benifical?
2. How long can I last being the sole provider of love, support and consideration without reciprocation?
3. How will my needs (that only my husband should give) be met?
4. How will I stop feeling sooooo resentful?
Looking forward to any feedback as I start this journey…
Lonely, you must have faith that in time that the relationship will be mutually beneficial. You have to be strong to be in a relationship with someone that battles depression. Once the depression in under control, whether that be medication and or therapy, the distance and coldness should diminish. Your first three questions should be taken care of with the right help for your depressed partner. And when those first three questions are no more…your 4th question will answered and you will have nothing to be resentful for.
As I have found out on my own, you never win the battle. I have been doing so well for the past few months up until a couple of weeks ago, when I felt the ugly head of depression once again entering my life. Unknown to my Dr. I have quit taking my antidepressants as of two months ago, and as my Dr. told me there are cycles to the depression. I believe I am back in a down cycle but nothing compared to my rock bottom. I am fighting it will all I have, exercise, cognitive therapy, if need be I will start therapy again, but so far I am beating it off and staying ….rather upbeat.
And you are right to sigh that relief as he has understood his own unhappiness….a huge step to healing. I am here if you have any other questions. I spend much time alone now which is part of why the depression has returned I believe. I am always open to lend a helping hand…. makes me feel needed…if you know what I mean.
Almost 3 years ago I met this guy, who I fell more in love with than I thought I could possibly love. He and I were both divorced and had not been in a relationship in several years. We both have two kids each and we took the relationship very slow for the first 2 years. Not only were we very physically attracted to each other but we always had a lot of fun together no matter what we did. We enjoyed being together alone and with our kids. One thing I always have loved about him is how positive he always was, even though he had had a couple rough years before I had met him. He was diagnosed with Intermitted Explosive Disorder, and was put on prozac for this. He was always very open about everything and his past problems and bad marriage. Never doing our relationship had I ever worried about him loosing it or not being able to control his temper. It was never an issue for us. Everything seemed so perfect, although at times, we would get depressed and seem to withdraw some here and there. Then he would be back to himself again and everything was great! After a couple years together, we had typical arguments, but nothing terrible or extreme. After two years of dating, we decided to live together. He moved into my house and we decided to do some remodeling and thought in the near future we would put it up for sale and buy a home together. His kids and I could NOT have gotten along better, I truly love them. He also got along very well with my children, seemed very caring and was always considerate of their feelings. My son got along well with his kids and they really enjoyed playing and being together. My daughter is 18 and can be difficult to deal with at times although he always was great with her, but she was out of town working all summer and lived with my mother soon after he moved in. We worked all summer on the house, painting and putting new floors down and had a lot of fun doing this together, laughing and joking and talking about what we should work on next. We went out of town to visit his family with my son and his kids. We had such a fun summer, working on stuff, building a tree house for our boys. At one time during the summer he seemed very depressed for a few weeks. I was worried about him, and asked what was going on. He said he didn’t know, but every time he was with his kids, he felt very depressed. Which was so unlike him, it didn’t make sense. He is an incredible dad and his whole life revolved around his kids, he loved being with them. Towards the end of this time, I had talked with a mutual friend of ours and told her I was concerned about how sad he has been acting when the kids are around. She asked if he was taking his medication? I didn’t even think about it, so I asked him, and he responded that he hadn’t taken it about a month because he had ran out and had just started back on it. He went right back to acting like himself after a week or two.
October of this year, I started seeing him being depressed again. I asked him what was going on, he always said that he just was tired, stressing about money, or that he just wasn’t happy with his life. When he got like this, I always felt like he wasn’t happy with us, but he always assured me that it wasn’t us that it was just his job and money…etc! Just like always, although he didn’t seem to be quit his self, we spent time together and with the kids, we continued talking about things we wanted to do together. We talked about Christmas and what fun stuff we wanted to do with the kids, and going shopping and putting Christmas lights up, finding the perfect tree. Although he seemed withdrawn some what, he still wanted to spend all his free time when he wasn’t work with me and the kids. He still would text me or call me when he was at work and tell me about his day like always. Since he had to leave for work an hour before I had to get up for work, he continued like he always did………he would wake me up when he was leaving and kiss me and tell me he loves me and to have a good day! Then he would text me after his first class and tell me how it went and asked me how my morning was going. December 5th, All went exactly as it always did, he work me up…..kissed me and told me he loved me. Then after his first class at work, he text me…….Have a wonderful day Babe, I Love You!! The following while he was eating dinner and we were sitting and talking, he said he was moving out tomorrow……I was in shock of course. I didn’t want to believe it. He said he went to his friends house before going to work and he was going to move in with him. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t believe it. The only thing he said is that he loved me, but it just wasn’t enough to keep going. He said that he would miss me and would never forget me. We held each other all night, I could hardly sleep and kept waking up and couldn’t catch my breath. He was off the next morning and said he was going to start moving out while I was at work. He told me again and again how sorry he was and that he did love me. I was unable to work and couldn’t stop crying so left work. When I got home, he was not there and had taken a lot of his stuff out of the bedroom, and had boxes all over. I was a mess. He returned for another load and when he walked in his eyes were very red and looked like he had been crying. I had never seen him cry. I started talking and we both talked and cried for 3 hours. I asked him to please stay and to try…..I couldn’t image not being with him. He said he would stay and we could try, we went out and had dinner and had a great evening together and the next day we went to get a christmas tree and had a good day, till that evening, he was acting strange again and said he just had to go. I begged him to try to think of the kids and please lets not do this right before Christmas. Once again, he calmed down and said he would stay, even called my dad and told him to cancel coming in town, since he bought a ticket to fly in town to be with me since I was such a mess. I finally thought to ask if he had been taking his medication, he said he had not taken it for a month or two. I asked him why, he just said that he is always wanting to not have to take it, and doesn’t want to have to need it. He continued going back and forth with his wanting to move out thru the next week, then told me and moved out on dec. 14th, even after he told me he was definitely moving out, he stayed with me every night for the next three days, we talked and held each other every night too. He continued to say to me……I do love you. Then the day he moved out, we met for dinner and told the kids, they were very upset and cried and his son asked if he could still live with me. It all was so heart breaking and unbearable. His son called me twice that night and asked me to come to his basketball game the next morning, which of course I did. I have not seen him in a week and a half now, we have talked and texted here and there. One day it is kind and sincere, and the next it seems like he is treating me like I did something terrible to him. He doesn’t want to see me he says, then a couple days later he text and asks how I am doing and acts like he cares. I have never been in love with someone like I love him. He has broken my heart and I have never felt so much pain. I can’t even understand what happened. We never fought over stuff that couples usually do, we had a great intimate relationship alway and we were each others best friends. We did everything together.
I am at an incredible lose of what to think, I don’t even understand what happened.
Thru all of this, he never talked to anyone in his family or any of his friends except for the one he moved in with about leaving me, he never even gave me a reason. All of my family and friends think that there must be someone else in his life that he was leaving me for, but non of the signs were there. Till the day he moved out…….he was with me always except for when he was at work. I never really noticed, because I love him so much, but looking back at pictures from a couple months ago, he had really stopped taking care of himself. He was wearing the same clothes to work everyday, he stopped shaving, he hadn’t gotten his hair cut in months and wouldn’t even trim his beard or shave his neck or gotten me to trim his side-burns like he always use to every month. He had definitely gain some weight and just generally didn’t care about his appearance at all. He and I have always played word games against each other on our phones, and we have continued for the past 2 weeks since he left. He even started sending me messages the last couple days thru the game, joking around and being silly like we always use to be. Then tonight I got a message thru the game that he was going to quit playing for a while.
Just wanted to add…..that I would really appreciate any advice. I am not sure what to do. I am trying to get thru each day and trying to take care of myself and my kids the best I can right now. I miss him so terribly much, he is the love of my life and I can’t even bear to think that I will never see him again. I don’t know if I should contact him, which I have not done since he left except for responding to his text or phone calls. I know he knows how much I love him, he has always told me he knows that I do and that he feels it. He can be stubborn at times but he has never treated me so cold or been this distant with me before. He may have a day or two where he has been distant and not wanted to talk or interact much but he always goes back to being him again. As much pain as he has put me thru, he has every chance to just say I don’t want to see you again, but he hasn’t, he has told me that he misses me and still is very attracted to me. But keeps saying that he just doesn’t see a future for us, that he doesn’t see it working out in the long run. But this is the same man that for almost 3 years now has told me that he loves being with me, and that he felt like we met for a reason and that we were meant to be in each others lives, that he felt that we were meant to be. Thats how I have always felt too.
Linn, I’m so very sorry to hear what you’re going through. I would suggest not contacting him for a few days and if you don’t hear anything, perhaps just send a text saying that you are thinking of him. In my experience, if you don’t ask any questions, he may be more likely to respond. I am sure that he still loves you, but the depression is messing with his mind so much, he just can’t think straight. Unfortunately, if our depressed loved ones do not take their medication, the depression is likely to be more severe and last much longer.
First and foremost, you must do all you can to look after yourself and not get dragged down too. The Depression Fallout website is an excellent place to seek support.
All the best,
K
Thank you K for your thoughts and advice, it means a lot. I am trying to keep going and not get depressed myself, but It has been trying with the holidays and just the shock of it all. My friends have been supportive, but they keep telling me to heal and move on, they think that he is not a good person for the way he has treated me. I keep finding myself defending him, because I was closer to him then anyone and I knew the real him, and they didn’t. I know they believe that I am giving myself false home that it is his depression and not that he just stopped loving me. I am beginning to think maybe they are right. I really know he suffers from depression and has for some time now and is terrible about staying on his medication. But maybe he did just stop loving me…….
Thank you,
Linn
I know what it’s like to have your friends tell you to move and forget, but that’s so difficult to do. I haven’t seen my xbf for 9 months and maybe never will again, but I will continue to be here for him if he needs me. At first I couldn’t imagine being without him, as I thought I’d found the person I would spend the rest of my life with, but after so much time has passed, I would now consider dating again. I do still live in hope that he will recover and want me back though!
Stay strong and let me know how things go.
Hugs K x
How are you getting on Linn?
Hi guys,
I have been in a relationship with an amazing girl for 2 years, I love her and we were amazing together until about 2 months ago when she changed and became uninterested. She realised she was depressed after we looked it up together and then was formally diagnosed by a doctor when she went to see someone, she was put on anti-depressants, and after 6 days of being on them she has dumped me today out of the blue, when 2 days ago she was saying she still wanted to be with me and she appreciated how supportive i have been. When breaking up with me she said she still loves me and she just needs some time to herself, and it has nothing to do with me. As you can imagine I am taking this badly because I do love her a lot, we were amazing before the depression and even with it we still had a happy relationship. How do you think I should deal with this? Should I leave her to herself for a while to get herself together or should I highlight how good we were and how good we will be again. I really don’t want us to end forever, and I am concerned if I leave her to it while she has time away she will think I don’t love her anymore and not attempt to get back with me. She talked about having feelings of guilt and worthlessness while she is depressed, do you think it is this that has caused the break up?
Look forward to hearing any advice or feedback, its appreciated.
Thanks, Nick
Hi Nick, I’m so sorry that your gf has broken up with you, but unfortunately it does seem to be a common scenario when depression is involved. I haven’t seen my exbf for 9 months now, but we do still keep in contact through texts and email.
If you think that you have the patience to wait for your gf to come out of her depression, you must try to give her the space she has asked for and just be a friend to her. Try to keep any emotion out of your messages to her, as I have found that this can push the depressed person further away. You also need to focus on yourself and keep doing the things you enjoy most. If your gf knows that you are happy and getting on with life, it will make her feel better.
There is a huge thread which you may find useful on the Uncommon Knowledge forum, ‘My boyfriend has depression and he has pushed me away’. The Depression Fallout website is also very helpful.
All the best,
K
I’m just adding a link to a great article about coping strategies when loving someone with depression:
http://thrivewithbipolardisorder.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/5-coping-strategies-for-loving-someone-experiencing-depression/
Thank you very much your reply K, I appreciate it. Whilst I am devastatee at the moment and cantnseem to get myself together, I definitely believe I have the patience to wait for her to come out of the depression because I do love her and want to be with her, and i know that she loves me as well.
We are both at university together in our final years and do the same course and whilst we are on the Xmas break at the moment, we do have to go back in January for exams and then we will be having lectures etc together for 4 months, so I will be seeing her on a regular basis, and she only lives about 10 houses down from me whilst we are at uni. I am not sure how I will handle that situation because I will be desperate to sit next to her and talk to her etc and evennpop down to her house every now and then, but if she wants space away from me I don’t know how she will feel about physically seeing me a couple of times a week. Do I try to talk to her or do I avoid her?
I hope that the situation with you and your ex boyfriend works out, and that you are able to overcome any problems, and fingers crossed for a positive outcome in my situation as well.
Thank you very much for the link you attached as well, it was very relevant and interesting, and I can definitely take some points from that. It’s nice to know at there are people out there who are willing to help out a stranger that is new to all of this.
Thanks again,
Nick
It’s difficult to know what to suggest for January – perhaps just say hello if you bump into her and see how she reacts? Whatever you do, don’t put any pressure on her regarding the relationship. Remember that medication takes a while to kick in and it sometimes needs to be changed, so don’t expect to see any significant differences in her for quite some time.
I hope that things work out for you too. Perhaps you could let us know how you get on when you get back to uni?
Best wishes,
K
Hi Nick and K,
Your story is a typical case that I have read through a lot of forums for last 5-6 months.
@Nick I suggest that the best you can do is to talk to her therapist and if all 3 of you can work this out together before your gf would be advised clinical separation aka trial separation. Later on things might become impossible to recover once her medication hits 3-4 weeks time milestone, where the patient in most cases does not feel romantic emotion(typical side effect discussed in many medical conferences) anymore.
@K you seem to really love your bf a lot. But may be your friends advising you to start looking for new options is not bad after all. As they all seems to realize our importance after they realize we are gone.
Good Luck
Thank you for your message kiwi. I am not actively looking for anyone else at the moment, but if a nice man came along, I would be open to dating him. My dxbf could be like this for another year or so and I have already been waiting for nearly a year already!
How are things going Nick?
This is a good blog (http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/forums/5/From-a-Depression-Sufferer39s-Point-of-View). A man who suffers from depression describes how he ruined his relatonship when he felt “nothingness” while depressed. Now that he is in counseling, he can see he drove away the love of his life, and wants nothing more than to get her back.
Lots of useful tips on relationships and why a man leaves.
Would love to read this but cannot find it through the link? Any help? Thanks!
Here’s the thread:
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/topic/6052/What-not-to-do-How-to-destroy-everything-you-cherish#.UOnS67TgqJA
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We will both be 28 in January. He has had slight depression since the death of his father 5 years ago.
Everything was great for the first couple of years until his depression got worse and he even now refuses to get help. He relies on me for everything. The cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, feeding the dogs, dealing with all the finances including working to bring home money. He doesn’t want to go to work, he has lost all sense of responsibility and just wants to escape reality. He has started to use drugs. he takes off all day and some nights. the way he speaks to me or should I say yells at me, blames me for everything, doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with me. I’m finding myself starting to resent him! He was never like this, he was always so caring and loving. I am staying with my parents at the moment as I have just had surgery 1 week ago. I couldn’t stay at home because I don’t feel I can rely in him to look after me while I recover. He knows what has to be done but just doesn’t want to help himself… I’m out of energy, I don’t know what else to do? I don’t even want to see him right now because he just stresses me out so much. I have reached out to his family for help but they couldn’t care less! They just used it against him and turned their back on him. I need help to know how to deal with this because I am at breaking point myself. He doesn’t believe he has a problem. Im at the point I am distancing myself from him completely because I’m so frustrated that he can’t see he needs help?
Hi Kathryn,
I am in a similar situation except my love ended the relationship.
We are still in touch and he opens up a bit more when I give him space.
I was the bad one too and his friends are fabulous!! But really they don’t care because they never gave me or our relationship a second thought.
One thing therapists and depression help lines have said to me is “take care of yourself too”. And that is very important. You should talk to someone and stay healthy. Take vitamins, (B in particular) exercise, get good nights sleep because I have been told that depression is contagious.
Wishing you both all the best.
Vel C
hi to both val.c and Kathryn,
I want to let you both know that i was a sufferer of depression for 2 years and am glad to say i am just out now. Girls if i can say its only himself that can get out, you cant do it for him, I too was in a very deep relationship with a girl when my depression came along and i done a lot of the same thing as the man did in the top story thank god we had’nt a family. The differince was that i made my partner feel like shit we broke up time after time and she would come back after i would convince her it would’nt happen again. It only really started for me last feb. and i just wanted to be on my own and i broke up with my g.f. and went around in my own bubble for months after then i broke down something serious and relised what i had done. Girls if you really love him and want him back to the way he was at the start, Take my advice now but prepair yourself its going to hert you a lot at the start untill he wakes up. Girls leave him now dont contact him at least for 2 months your gonna have to show like you dont care. he will then start to wake up then you can give a little support but not much he will find his way then. He has a lot to go trough you will think he’s getting better but dont give in untill he stops crying down the phone to get back you, It’s gonna take the best part of 8 months for him to be right again he has a lot of stages to go trough thats what you need to hear him talk about that way you’ll know he’s on the way out.
One more piece of advice he will be looking for that one thing to make him happy he’s always gonna look for the big thing, girls were my thing ,yes i went out to find love again but i could’nt find because i was not happy with my self so i wouldnt be happy with anyone else. But dont worry at the end of the day it will be you in his toughts.
Hope this helps, if you need to ask me anything on it please feel free to contact me. phibbspeter@gmail.com.
Hi Peter,
Many thanks for your advice.
Are you back with your gf now?
hi vel c,
No we never got back together i did try a lot and kina still am. i would’nt blame her for all i put her trough. but i do pray that someday we can come to an understanding.
Hi Peter,
I am sorry to hear that. Maybe one day everything will work out for ye, I really hope it does.
Wishing you all the best and thank you again for your advice.
Vel
thank you Peter
Sharing your experience and advise on how to handle, at least part, of this insidious disease. It’s greatly appreciated and desperately needed by those of us watching our gorgeous partners change into hideous out of control puppets.
Thank you so much, Peter. I hope your (ex-)girlfriend can come to forgive you in time, but most of all I am glad you forgave yourself. It takes a great deal of bravery to look that hard in the mirror and confront your own worst enemy: you. We’re all dancing with our own shadows. You are a good person. And with your words, you have made me feel that bit better. Thank you. x
Hi Peter, thats a nice piece of advise you gave their. But I dont think it will do much good if Rae and biglove’s respected partners are on medication and therapy. Cause the therapist keeps reminding the patient that their despiration is normal and prescribe them higher dosage which again kills the emotion out of them. Not sure though….
Hope all you guys get your love back. Good Luck!
Hey. My boyfriend finished me after 6 yrs because he said he no longer had feelings for me. It was by phone and we haven’t spoken since. There were signs that he wasn’t happy such as he’d ask me what i would do if i was single/ comment that none of my friends would be his friends if we broke up etc. A lot of stuff happened to him while we were together and he wasn’t the success that he deserved/ should have been. His behaviour changed about a year before we broke up. He was very controlling of everything in his life, his routine, food and was negative about everything. He didn’t like anybody in my life (even if they were nice to him) and constantly said he didn’t would to be places even though he would be upset if he wasn’t invited or didn’t have anywhere else to go. He because obsessed with certain things but would not try anything new. This was all in the last few months. He constantly said negative things but had no better suggestions. I tried everything to remain positive, invited him everywhere and did my best to build him up. I was then so shocked when he ended things by phone and has since no responded to my request for a chat. It ended a few weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. I am in shock and greiving massively because for a long time our relationship was amazing. I am at a loss of what to do. I love him so much. However, the guy that finished me was not him. I honestly thing he developed depression and ended it with me. Do you think this is the case. Is there anything i can do. He has a close family so i hope they can do their bit but i just feel so hurt by being left when i dodn’t do anything but try and be positive. Will he realise or will he just be negative about everything. I feel so lost and hurt. I dont want to insult him if he isn’t depressed but his behaiviour wasn’t really great towards anybody when we broke which makes me think it’s not all me.
Hi Sally,
I know exactly how you feel. My love broke up with me in September 2012 and I had to leave my lovely new house, our home. My world was turned up side down by a cold angry stranger.
I fully believe it was depression.
As I said above, you have to take care of yourself. I heard it a lot and ignored the advice because I was so worried about him and what he was feeling.
Now I am looking after myself because this will take it’s toll on you.
I find space works wonders. I used to be ringing him, texting him to see how he was. But now I am pulling back and surprisingly he made first contact this week, for the first time in months. So I know I am on his mind.
Wishing you all the best.
Above I mentioned a blog where a man describes what depression feels like and how he ruined the best relationship he ever had. I found it inspiring.
Vel C
Sally, my husband of 7 years handed me his wedding ring on 1/12/2012 after he threw a massive tantrum over nothing. There was no warning, we had just moved into a lovely house and were still buying stuff for it. We slept in sepatate beds, and in the morning I tried to give him a cuddle and make up – nothing, just cold eyes and viscious insults! I was in a state of shock because somehow I realised that he had manouvered me into a finacial abyss and had isolated me from all of my support systems. Luckily I have remained friends with my previous husband because I had no car and my “loving” husband refused to drive me anywhere. Yes he saw a phychiatrist 9 months ago for depression and i was told that he was high functioning Aspergers. The behaviour of your boyfriend is pretty much the same (controlling but disorganised. I’ve decided that he is a construct, he is an empty vessel that must be filled by his partner of the time, really just a body snatcher. Get on with your life we’ve both had a lucky escape – stay positive and keep busy and good luck!
Vel C and Giz Girl – thank you, its tough, the toughest thing is letting go and thinking that you are leaving them (even though they’ve already left you). I think i am getting stonger now day by day. I know that i will 100% support him if he gets in touch but i will not prevent my life from moving forward. I’m taking control of things, reading loads and making changes in my life and i feel happy. I am not ready for another relationship but if i do get to the point where i am then i will take that step and if he comes back to me then i will have to deal with that at the time. I have definately learnt from this that the only person you can help is yourself. You can offer to help them but the most important friend you have is your inner self. Take care of it and it will take care of you. Lots of love x x
I was in relationship for almost 10 years , she left me because of her family wanted her to married her own kind for her country my last 10 years