Over and over, I find stories online about the transformation of a loving partner, most often a man, into a depressed stranger. I know what that’s about because I have been that stranger.
I went through a period of withdrawing emotionally from my wife and blaming her and just about everything else for my problems. I filled my mind with fantasies about escaping to a different life as the answer to internal pain. Fortunately, I pulled out of it before losing everything, but many men and women don’t.
My wife took the brunt of this emotional betrayal – for that’s what it was – and was deeply hurt and exhausted by it. But she also understood that this was my problem, rather than blaming herself. She insisted I get treatment, and the risk of losing my family finally pushed me back into therapy, something I had been avoiding for several years. When I improved and “came back,” however, the old relationship wasn’t there anymore. Instead, we had to create something different because we were both different. It wasn’t about me or her then but about both of us.
Because of what I’ve been through and knowing how my wife took care of herself, I worry about many of the stories I read online. They tend to be all about the one who’s gone emotionally or perhaps who’s moved out. In most cases, it’s a man I read about, but the problem is not limited by gender. The emails and comments describe in detail how the depressed partners are behaving (often abusively), what they’re feeling, their refusal to get help, their on-again off-again closeness, their confusion and pain. The question asked is whether or not they’ll get over it and return as the loving partners they used to be. Is there any hope?
I hear so much less about the person who has to live with Depression Fallout
I often respond by asking: What about you? Except for a brief mention of your own pain, I have a hard time getting as sharp a picture of who you are and what this relationship means for your own sense of self. Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s gone? Why do you think you can change him? Why do you ask only about what will happen to him? Where are you?
There is so much invested in a close relationship that it inevitably affects the sense of who we are. Each partner, hopefully, feels enough trust to open and share a usually closed emotional core. Once it’s clear the relationship is a lasting one, there’s a sense of fulfillment and sureness of commitment on both sides. I’m still me, but I’m also more.
Even when troubled, angry or hurt by each other, the emotional resonance and mingling can move two people to some sort of healing. It’s all the more shocking, then, when depression takes control of one partner and rips the relationship. It’s not only a betrayal; it takes away the part of one’s self that emerged through closeness to an intimate partner. That cuts too deeply. It may be hard to feel complete anymore.
I suppose the continuing challenge is to find the balance between a healthy sense of one’s separate self and the shared identity of a close relationship. Neither can exclude the other, and even if relationships fail, they’ve given as much as they’ve taken away. But that’s impossible to think of in the midst of a devastating loss due to depression.
Sometimes I find out how the online stories have ended – though not so often as how they began. Usually, it’s encouraging, not because the relationship has been restored (that’s rare), but because an inner resilience has led to acceptance of what’s happened. The new story begins, and it’s all about you, no longer about him.
So that’s why I ask: where are you in the story you tell? Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s gone?
Image by Cocomariposa
Hello Everyone,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs, and we’ve lived together for literally most of that time. When we met I was 21yrs old, he was 26. I was extremely outgoing and active and right off the bat my life changed dramatically. His demeanor and his personality was not attractive to people, so we were quickly alienated. We stopped going out, I’ve gained a lot of weight, because all we do is eat! He states that he never has energy to do anything active and if I go out he starts with his going on about his mental state. I’ve tried leaving him, but he constantly threatens to commit suicide. Eveytime something happens, it’s my fault. Also his therapist is not helping as they say that I’m enabling his depression by not babying him. I love the guy, however I’m completely exhausted. Ive never met anyone who has dealt with depression so excuse me for not knowing how to comfort someone in that state. I understand that depression is serious, however idk how to handle it and it’s getting to me. It’s to the point where I feel that the only way to get this to end is for me to commit suicide. Yes, it’s gotten that bad! Can someone please help me out, I’m literally desperate. I’m running out of options and patience.
Hello, I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but if you are actually trying to commit suicide, please GET HELP. The suicide hotlines are there for people like you. If the therapist is telling you that, and making you even more depressed then I would try to find another one. I would like to offer you advises and give you words of wisdom, and what not, but I am also going through the same thing as you are. Because I am so busy at this moment in my life I haven’t had time to really get anything done. But I do know what you are going through. When your partner is depressed, you are expected to stay strong and give them support and be there for them, despite being stuck in a toxic environment. “Your partner is the one that’s sick, not you.” There is so little information and awareness about this so I never knew about this depression fallout. There are a lot of information online about depression if you want to make yourself more aware. Knowing and understanding the illness can help you cope with the things you are dealt with. Just know that your are not alone. Depression is contagious and no matter how strong of a person you are, it is impossible to be completely immuned to it, especially if it is your partner or spouse. I really do hope things get better for you and your partner. Good luck!
Im sad for you. I hope youre okay.
Hi Everyone,
I’m found this website today as I was searching for ways to cope with a depressed spouse.
First of all,I can relate to just about everyone’s story here in some way or another.I completely understand and feel for each and everyone of you here.
It’s funny when the relationship’s start out and you’re all filled with hope that things will get better.Somehow you think you are stronger than the black cloud of depression that they are living under and you can easily fix things on your own..and yes,there can be some serious improvements over time,as in the case of getting my my husband off alcohol and watching him stay sober for over 30 years or so,but deep down there’s always that demon that resurfaces time and time again,and it’s name is Depression.
It’s the Root cause of all the misery and cannot easily be extracted.In fact I think it’s pretty much a life long battle.If you’re born with it,you’ll also die with it too.Does that sound depressing? Well..
My husband’s depression has gotten under my skin as well…I was looking for some answers today..something,anything to help me with deal with him and prevent him from sucking the very Life force right outta me as well.
After 34 years of living with the Beast,I’ve just about had it and would like very much to have a lil’ peace and harmony in my life at this stage of the game.Just gentle happiness,doing things like working in the garden and relaxing with drama free days and nights.
What can I do? there’s no easy answers I know..I’m co dependent and relay on the man for practically everything since he wanted it that way and he made sure I became Stuck and dependent on him so I wouldn’t or couldn’t leave.Now due to a host of health issues and other things,I have no way of escaping his clutches.he’s sick too with physical complaints,but he won’t get the necessary medical tests to rule things out.He won’t see a shrink either and refuses to think about medication,instead he prefers to treat himself with daily marijuana,which he claims he could never live without.I’m in what you might call a “stuck” position in life..At 58 years of age it would be very hard to reinvent myself all over again.
All I do is to go back in time to wish I never married the man in the first place.If I had known all along that the lifelong help and support which I had given him wouldn’t help him very much,I would have spared myself the misery and heartbreak of sitting here today and feeling like a hopeless martyr,looking for an avenue of escape,something to make me feel alive and dare I say,happy again.Thanks for letting me vent.Jan
Hi Jan,
Your posts reads like a story of my life, only without the dependence part. I have been supporting my husband for so many years I can’t even remember what he was like when we first married. I’m stuck because of the guilt I will feel setting him free – he cannot financially take care of himself and yet refuses to see that I have provided for him for as long as I can remember! I am so mentally and physically exhausted by him, the mood swings and anxiety, anger and acting out. All I want is some peace and joy in my life for whatever time I have left. I’m almost 70 years old and still working 40-45 hours a week (by choice) so I do not have to be home with him all day. I feel for you and it helps me to know there are others out there going through similar things.
My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I can remember and just recently changed to something new. He is also a smoker (hate it) a marijuana user (medicinal for pain) and uses pain medication for a physical condition. I feel so guilty but cannot live like this anymore. Thanks for letting me vent!
I love you all. It’s funny that people have time time to worry about sports, facebook, friends. I can’t hide the pain of my wife’s depression so I hide. Then when I come out, no one invites us out because she always rubs people the wrong way. I’m only 34 years old. I am a Gemini of all singns that has been dealing with it for 10year! This was all so knew in my life. Oh btw we have two amazing kids including a 18month old who I am around constantly to sheild them from depression. But they no and they fight her away and depend on me so much more. I am getting tired guys. My mind is so confussed. I was once a happy man.
I love you all. Thank you for sharing as you grant me another night home.
Awwww, johnny, hang in there! It’s so hard with kids to think of, too.
And you two older gals, I hope you are finding live and joy in other places. I know, hard not to have it at home first, but please don’t let your depressed partner extinguish your beautiful light.
I feel so lucky to have found this site and to read your comments. Good to know I am not alone.
I know how you feel, I would have never married my husband had I known that this was going to happen. We have been married 6 years and 5 years ago his mum died suddenly of lung cancer. He has become a different person as his shop has undergone financial problems now to the extent that it could go bankrupt. He was staying away from the house even though he finished work at 5pm he would not get home until nearly 9pm with no explanation, going missing for nearly an hour when he called at the local shop 5 mins away. Playing on his phone with gambling apps, paying no attention to me or us, spending all day in bed on his day off, not going into work until lunch time, taking drugs. I was off work with depression for 2 weeks and never helped me and in the end I had to ask him to leave. Which he did. He wrote 2 suicide notes for me and his dad. I made an appointment at the docs for him and went along with him. He has been put on anti depressants now but was asked why he didn’t take them last year. He went back to his docs 3 weeks ago and told her how he was feeling and about his suicide notes. He was put in touch with the crisis team who wanted to call every day but he said no every 3 days but had to compromise to every other day – which in his words ” was a pain”. He last saw the crisis team group meeting last tuesday and is not seeing anyone until a week later. He stayed the weekend and it wasn’t great I am so angry with him for allowing himself to get into this situation. He has been to see a psychiatrist the other day and told me that he has to avoid the arguments with me… he shouldn’t try to get another job as he’s not well enough…and that he should try to get up each morning instead of staying in bed – which I said I had told him that over the last couple of years… He has to tell my doctor about me cutting myself – which I have done on several occasions as I am so low. I can’t stop working as I have to pay the bills on my house and I have also decided that I need to divorce him and pay for that as well as anything else. I have taken on 2 additional jobs as well as my full time job to help me try and continue. I am depressed and keep crying. I feel like I can’t continue and once we are divorced I will be able to move away fro here. I don’t know what to do I feel tremendous guilt that I have let him down by abandoning him to his daughter and that I should be standing by and helping him through this but also part of me feels that I could commit suicide before him because of what I am going through but that wouldn’t be fair on my sister and brother to do this because of this idiot
I’m 41yr old and knows exactly what your going through, my wife has never been the same after our 2 daughter was born, forgetting a lot, has a bad left ear, so you have to speak loud to her so she can hear but she then plays it off like nothings wrong with her, she has a Bachelor Degree in Psychology but very ignorant, strangely, she SUFFER from depression but don’t know why because she never explained why which stress me the hell out. She refuse to seek counseling because she plays the know it all..been together for 16yrs and she have not mature to a responsible adult. I constantly have to check behind her which is wearing me down. I think I’m developing depression due to her depression behavior and personailty issues..
I know how you feel…exactly. he is dependent on you..like my husband…get out…start over you don’t owe him anything please make yourself priority
My husband of 10 years, who has struggled on and off with anxiety and depression, has entered his worst depressive episode ever. It’s difficult for people to understand how much of my mental real estate of mine this takes up, even when he’s not actively upsetting me, even when he’s seeking treatment. I am much less able to function than I was, much more anxious (and underslept) and generally on edge. Even my attempts to “take care of myself” aren’t entirely successful because I am wracked with guilt for, say, leaving for a week and only texting (because I know the tone of his voice will upset me, and his problems will dominate our conversation). I’ve been told I’ve changed. I was traveling with a friend last month who let me know, gently, that I had become absurdly anxious and proactive whenever I saw anything about to go wrong (the little daily things that happen when you travel, in this case a bad traffic jam). This is because for 10 years I’ve lived with a man who might react very badly to the tiniest of inconveniences or contingencies, and I’m always seeking to avert them, or at least avert being blamed for them, or just bracing myself for the fallout. She thought I had become anxious and paranoid when we were stuck in a traffic jam, which was endless, and she hadn’t eaten (and she’s one of those people who needs to have little snacks or her blood sugar will drop). She reminded me that she wasn’t my husband, and she’d be ok and even if she was uncomfortable, she certainly wouldn’t ruin our day over it. Whenever we hit snags in our travel together, like having no idea where to spend the night, we just calmly tried to figure out a plan. This felt so foreign to me. I wasn’t left to figure something out and present it to an upset person (the norm for me). When something cost more than it was supposed to, no one got angry or made me feel bad. It was a strange experience for me and very painful to remember that the world does not live the way I live. My question is how much longer can I live this way. He is making his best efforts to get better, after years of semi-ignoring the problem, and yet I feel suspect things will remain largely the same. He does not insult me, does not abuse alcohol or drugs, does not cheat or lie, and keeps his promises to the degree he is able. In his better moments (and years) I’d describe him as a really gentle loving person, and certainly a loyal and well meaning husband. But I feel very insecure not knowing what his moods will do to us at any moment, extremely resentful at what his depression has done to us over the years. It’s made me fear a lot of things that on my own I would never have to fear. His unsootheable sad, anxious state requires hours a day of talking and consoling (he’s not the cold and withdrawn type) that leaves me drained and ultimately mad, thinking of all the hours/days/months lost that we could just be living. We probably have had the same conversations hundreds and hundreds of times. It’s like having an awful job you can’t quit, being partner to a depressed person. Holding out the faint hope that things will improve, but not at all sure they can or will. The toll this has taken on me is huge.
I have been married for 31 years and it has been an on and off rollercoaster ride. My husband started drinking rather badly after about 6 years of our marriage. He started getting more drunk and abusive. This became worse after the birth of our first child and eventually with me threatening to leave him he stopped drinking 23 years ago. He did have an affair and a few flings during that time but I worked through that. It was then that I first started feeling trapped – that he was so dependant on me, that should I leave him he would do something foolish. I had tried to work with this in the best way I could. Went for counselling, started going to Church, learning what God wants us to do in a relationship. Our second child was born. Then my husband started complaining that I was spending to much time with the children and he started feeling rejected & unloved. It came to the point 5 yeas ago where I made the decision that I have had enough of this continuous complaining. Like a broken record. Ive even told him that the Bible talks of a woman who must not moan too much that she sounds like a dripping tap – well I think that goes for men too. He does not stop. Every day I wonder what is he going to come up with next. He moved out about 8 months ago and his insecurity and depression has become worse. Again because I do not include him in my life and decisions. He wants to know my every move. He has my phone basically tapped, keeps questioning me regarding my messages. Ive even included him on group chats. He picks up records of all incoming/outgoing calls on the bank. He has my phone linked to a tracking thing that lets one know where you are at a specific time and he would question me as to why I was in that place. His argument is not because of suspicion but insecurity and because he loves me so much he does not know what he would do if something had to happen to me. I feel as if I have become his mother. I mentioned just a while ago that I do not see us getting back together soon & he broke down again and said well that’s me, I don’t care anymore. He says he will not commit suicide as he knows what it would do to the children (his own father shot himself – and my husband found him half alive in the room). I know he suffers from severe depression and insecurity. I have really tried to make things easier for him by allowing him to track & trace & question me but really I am mentally exhausted. Totally drained. He has been for counselling and is on medication but he wants me. Even the children have said that their dad doesn’t care for them, he only comes to visit to see me and he has admitted to it. This is very sad, especially for the children. I am at my wits end. If I take him back I am going to have to put whoever I am in a box and be the person I need to be in order to make him happy. I do love him but I cannot live with him. I am so scared to finally end it, he is so bad that he will stop working altogether and become a bum. I am the man & mother in the house. He asks me to make decisions for him regarding his life and what he should do. To me that is the easy route for him as he then does not have to take responsibility for his actions or blame. My kids say Im a tough lady but deep down Im just trying to lay under the radar & yes this has also made me feel depressed but I do not allow that emotion to take control over me.
Hey Jes,
How are you 3 years later? Your story is ours.
My role in our marriage was that of the depressed and anxious person. I had been diagnosed after our marriage during a time when one of our children was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and was quite ill. He is noe fine and thriving. Following the medical crisis which lasted over a year with several brain surgeries our business went under, we lost our home, vehicles, everyhing. My anxiety increased at times but I was determined to stick together and turn things around for our family. Unfortunately, my husband did not share my dream or drive; we moved in with his mom who was suffering with stage 4 cancer. I cared for her each day as he worked and lids attended school. Many nights he called in traffic, late meeting, etc. Didcoveringater he had been a,few houses away at his brothers drinking and watching sports. When I confronted him, he was evasive claiming all was fine. I suggested marital counseling, marital retreats…annythibvu tp hold on.to him, our kids …our family. One night we packed the kids up to.visit my folks overnight. He sauf he’d take his truck and be right behind me. He never cane. He tolde the next day ge wanted a divorce and no discussion. He said he hadn’t loved me in a very long time. Clearly I was devastated, begged him but to.no avail. We did not have a home, a car, a bank account or cash flow. I had stated home after my third child so.hadnt worked in.over three years. Twice I was offered positions but he said “take time for you, besides it will affect the bankruptcy filing” So in a period of 10 weeks, I secured a job in my field of counseling psych, rented a home, bought a used inexpensive car and found daycare for the kids before school. The kids lived with me and our separAtion agreement allowed him.two nights per week. He chose Fri Sat. because he worked too early in the morming so was asleep by 7:30 in weeknights..I coached my.sons basketball team (he is shunt dependent for life and one parent must be present in case of complications. So I figured I’d coach. I coached gis team for 4 seasons. Games were in weekends, as were activities fir our two older boys. Point being, with no regrets, I was wuth the kids each weekend and during the week. After 7 yrs of this lifestyle and his passive “forgetting to file divorce papers or fill.out forms”…I began to unravel. I was overwhelmed, not sleeping or eating well. I lost wieght rapidky and my hair began to fall.out. I lost 60% of my hair, my eyelashes, eyebrows etc. My work was suffering and I had aleats been an exemplary worker and professional. I got behind in my rent, missed work frequently and felt paralysed in terns of how to undo what I’d done. I saw,a counselor and a licensed therapist throughout this and had been for years. Took anti anxiety meds, anti depressants. Helped then would need to Adjust. Had a few panuc attacks…the kind that make your chest pound so hard and strong and relentlessly that you think you may see it break through your chest. Throughout all of this, my gettung back.On myfeet, getting help, establishing a home for my.children and working full.time while running a household (he moved in with his single older sister) and then when I started to become deoressed and anxious again all he did was berate me, put me down, tell me I ruined our family bc I was too selfish to care fir anyone besides myself. He called me a drug addict, a lazy scumbag loser and said everyone knew it was true and someday rhe kids would too. He arfues each weej about support payments, deducting all.My health insurance, cell.ohones for kids and haircuts, dr co pays and travel expenses of our son had an out of state game. When things started to spiral (bills, work, etc) I decided when my lease ended I would stay with my parents who were having heakth issues arvthe time. Our family summer home was 15 min away and my ex agreed to tajectge kids while I.got back on my feet. I still drive them to avd from school abd saw them almost daily. Although tge depression and more so the anxiety hD a Hold On Me I was always able to care for the kids, feed them, honework, care and laugh with them when I wA feeling good. The kids presence reduced…almost extinguished…My anxiety and anxiety symptoms. Moving was the hardest thing I’d ever done..away from.them. I struggled but slowly came around with rest, nutrition and a safe loving environment. Things were looking up upon my seventh month there; December. And on Dec 23 I was served with divorce papers with my estranged husband seeking physical custody, child support from me, and reqyests to exempt me from a portion of his pension and his paying my health insurance (only for a year I didn’t work…I.paid it each year working) . Basically, he waited until forvthe firstvtime in 8 yrs thstbi didnt have a house or job or my life …for avd with the kids in order to make his strategic move. Abd he did. The mediator said I had no recourse bc I quit my well.paying job. A laeuer I met with said judges rarely move kids whi are thriving…wgixh they were and were with me. SO…now my actual point…lol…I understand your perspective and I respect all of us..including caregivers, spouses, innocent bystanders who nust hapoened to fall.in.love with someone who has mental health issues….not fun I know. Also, I find it hard to not just disagree but to actually read that those who were not inflicted with this condition were somehow victims of betrayal ny those of us who drew the short stick and wouldnt ask.for this to be part of who we are in a million years. No question those attenpting to navigate mood swings, anger, agitstiin, sadness, lethargy, negatively and emotional roller coasters….are wuite frankly saints. But they were not betrayed. And in closing (finally end in sight for probably the one poor soul who has stuck with me through this longest post ever written experience…thanks mom!) in my situation, as I’m sure there are many similar stories…I honestly felt betrayed, discarded, unloved, ignored and resented. Was I a picnic to live with always? No. And the difference is, I take accountability for my behavior and dont use the cop out of being unable to change or manage it. I dont blame anyone and I didnt walk away when the person I.made promises to…needed me the most. Thanks for reading. and Keeping this topic, conversation and perspectives will make a difference. We need to raise awareness to help curb guilt, shame, anger, frustration and hatred based on a,lack.of kbowledge. We’re really all on the same team and dont need two playbooks.
I feel like I’m disappearing. I’m always waiting for her to kill herself. I never feel safe. I have been with my wife for 10 years, she’s been ill for a long time but was only diagnosed around 2 years ago. That was after the worst year of my life. The year that destroyed everything I recognized about myself. It started by her making friends with a younger girl. She started spending more and more time away from home, it was like she was trying to turn back time, acting like she had no responsibility. I spent a lot of time alone back then. Sometimes she wouldn’t answer her phone and I wouldn’t know where she was or who she was with. I found out she was living this complete other life with people I didn’t know. She was never much of a drinker before, one drink would knock her out, but suddenly she was drinking vodka. The police picked her up a few times because she had gone missing, wouldn’t answer her phone, they found her drunk after downing a bottle of vodka and taking an overdose of pills. She was in and out of hospital that year, no major suicide attempt, those ones were the for attention. Then came the big one, one night I was home alone again, desperately calling everyone I could think off trying to find her. The police called me. Said they were sending a car to pick me up to take me to the hospital. My girlfriend had posted on a suicide chat room and had met up with someone off of there. They made a suicide pack with each other, drank a litre bottle of vodka between them and taken over 100 pills each. I was warned by the police that she was in a really bad way, I got there and was taken to her, her mum and sister were with me too. She was on a ventilator and they didn’t know if she would make it through the night. I broke into pieces that year, I’ve never really been able to glue myself back together. she did make a full recovery and actually started to take her medication. 2 years on and she is much stronger, has not made any other suicide attempts and actively wants to get better. She still has a personality disorder and needs medication to manage that, but she is a million times better than she was that year. I’m not that lucky. I’m too broken now to fully recover. I’m always waiting for it to happen again. I don’t feel safe. I feel like she destroyed me that year.
I’m the depressed one and I have been since my mom died 10 years ago. I was ok for most of it. But, this last year has been horrific. I’m at the end of my rope. I have been seeing a psychiatrist but the medications haven’t helped and my relationship to my wife is getting worse.
But, in my situation, I think it’s a little different. Here’s why:
Beginning of last year I Caught my wife cheating with her boss. It pretty much destroyed my self confidence to the point I lost a good paying job WITH HER FAMILY. She never tried to help me in the situation.
Since then it’s been downhill. My teeth, which I’ve always had problems with because of little enamel, have fallen apart and it is extremely depressing. My wife says go to the dentist. I ask what money. She has no response. I’ve begged her to help me. To just go to a dentist appointment and a psychiatrist appointment to help me explain things since I freeze up. She flat out makes excuses as to why she can’t.
I think the best thing would be for her and I to separate. But we don’t have the money and it is to the point where I think sending my 15 and 17 year old girls to live with their aunt in Florida and I just disappear. I’m too much of a chicken to kill myself. I should just become homeless.
The point being is not all cases of men being depressed is entirety their fault. Trust me, I take my share of the blame. I hate being like this. But when I need the energy and help to start to fix things, the reality sets in that I am too far gone.
Sometimes we have to accept that not everyone gets to have a good life. That some of us have to be the losers. Without people like me, those who do well for themselves have nothing to compare to.
In the end, I wish I could change. I wish I had the resources to get better, to fix my teeth (at this point they all just need to come out. I’ve had an infection for 5-6 months. I’ve begged for help (meaning I’ve asked her to come because Of my fear of dentists and she just won’t even respond to me). I wish I had the resources to get away from this environment. But, I don’t.
I’m not at the end of my rope. I have none left and I’m freefalling and I’m so fucking worthless that there won’t be a soul who will help me.
You know what? In the end it is all my fault. I expected strength from someone when I couldn’t do it and I feel abandoned. But, that’s what being worthless is. It means the disease wins. I just want the pain to end because it is killing me.
You’re psychiatrist should know how bad you feel so she can get you into group therapy maybe or a different mix of meds. I’m sorry you feel so bad. I survived a suicide attempt after a rape. It took me a long time to get over it. Try to talk to your wife about your relationship. With an infection in you mouth, please go to the dentist. The dentist will anesthesia you. This is an emergency. You are not worthless. You’re depression makes you feel this way. I’m bipolar. Believe me, I understand that feeling. Please take care of yourself. Your life can get better.
My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year. His depression began to manifest right after the birth of our first child. It began with nasty remarks, progressing into accidents with my things being damaged and then one day he exploded in rage throwing furniture around and more property damage. He has raged regularly since and often for things that make no sense. I have been struggling to try and help him but my efforts aren’t really appreciated. He speaks badly about me to others and he even has some convinced I make him do it. He has been to numerous psychologists and psychiatrists and nothing seems to really help. His medication keeps being increased but then so does the behaviour. I feel like a single mother and my poor little one is exposed to his anger too. I worry about him directing it at her as well. He is unable to forgive and keeps a mental record of everything he thinks I did to offend him over all the years I have know him and uses that regularly to put me down. He is horrible with his dripping sarcasm and put downs. I’m so tired and worried about the impact on our child I ended up moving in with a relative trying to work out what to do. When I spoke to him most recently he started yelling at me ‘don’t touch me!’ I was nowhere near him and trying to get away from him and his anger. He refuses to leave or even take timeout elsewhere. Previously he has disappeared for days and would not tell me where he was and thinks there is nothing wrong with that. When I asked how he would feel if I did that he indicated he wouldn’t care about me, just where our child was.It is hard living with an infant in someone else’s home and I so want to go home but how can I possibly expose our Bub to that again? My child deserves a safe and happy home and I can see how it is affecting the Bub already. He is so determined to have control of everything and uses his rage to achieve just that.
I don’t think there’s a time in our relationship where my husband hasn’t been depressed. I walk on eggshells all the time. All of his unhappiness is apparently my fault. I don’t love him enough, or love him right, or I don’t have sex the right way, or I don’t understand exactly perfectly what his job consists of. I’m too fat. I don’t say the right things. I love the dog more. I love my son more. I don’t give him sex all the time, even though it’s not really fun for me, nor do I feel loving and sexual toward him when all I hear is criticism. He makes sure I never feel secure in the relationship, or loved. If I mention any of this, the conversation is right back at what I’m not doing for him.
We’ve been separated because of work. Now I’m moving back because I got a job in the area. I’m kind of dreading it. He can’t really bring himself to be nice to me. I’m not allowed to have an opinion about anything, right now I’m the worst thing in the world because I don’t agree that we should buy a piece of land and put a big metal building on it and live in it.
I earn about twice as much money, but somehow I’m an irresponsible loser.
I’m so tired of it.
Yes his depression has left me so very tired. So without hope or joy or a feeling of security. After 16 years of trying to get him to get help. Trying to get help mysrlf i seriously am thinking of giving up. Getting a restrainjng order to stop the screaming fits if bullying rage. He is all fun and games to others. But because i want more out of life he rages agsinst me. I dare not have needs or try to communicate. It escalates within srconds to frightdnj g levels. I feel for this marriage to go on i have to squash my entire personality. I have to realize and accrpt that my life will always be caring gor a man dho wont take responsibility for his own problems. He lets me carry so much. There is not much thst bslances the scales . I feel the loser in this . I feel a complete nobody in my own miserable life. Even the counselors i have went to think i should leave . After all ghese years it is such a gsilure to leave. I feel i will never recuperste and at 54 i will find it hard finzncislly to make it alone. Even our pets have had a hard life i have bery few memories that are not marred by his abuse and drinking. They overwhem the good moments. He thinks if he isnt dtinking and he brings home a wage i shojld be a hsppy camper. Well im not . I wonder if i will ever have a positive view of life as his constant moaning has seeped into my very core.he wants me to carry on as if my life isnt too much. He wants me to be strong and keep a good appearance of normslity when actually i wish i were dead most days. It was a relief for me to take care of my very sick mother cuz it was a problem which was tangible and my mother is do willing to fighg for her life. It is a walk in the park ckmpared to desling with a drpressed alchohklic person eho wont get honest and get help im so very tired . Thank you for this forum.
born into a poor family,in 1950’s. i am now 62. never knew my real father. had lots of wanna be dads,likewise, all poor. I had four sisters,I was the eldest by four years. I believed this allowed me to experience life on my own. Yet if I was late returning home,any time, I was punished severly..Belt,boards,switches off trees not to mention slapping around and of course this all prior to restriction. As the years past,out on my own now. I tried to find a good job,yet I lacked any real talents,so that was hard. Now mind you I was a very happy(mid years) I liked doing things,fishing,camping(sometimes alone) digging up clams,archery. I also pulled through my stint in the military.After that I became very proficiante at Automotive Radiator Repair here in the USA. I also married,over five+ years. my lovely wife and i had three (of course) most beautiful daughters.Here is where I was seriously focused on running my own repair shop. as it turned out I did. However after only one + year way up north(great lakes area) my inlaws said if we came back to California we would be able to live on this 12 acer parsel for as long as we wanted. So of course I figured i could start a business there just as well. Not so! We had less money to work with,I still had all my tools. With in this time my Wife decided to persue her career as an RN. This was her best move. I could not find any Radiator jobs here anywhere. So for awhile I installed Solar Systems and Chill Chasers with my neighbor. Right about this time my inlaws were telling us we had to move out,off the property. we had been there maybe about four to five months. At that point in time I knew my dream was squashed,ripped from my mind. that started my downhill style,its all I had, as I saw it. And there it went,MY DREAM. oh yeah eventually I did my best to secure a life for us here. Found really low rentals, that I eventually became manager of. I also fixed these units four in all. AS for my Radiator shop ,actually I had found a way to start up again,it would have to be a mobile service(which put a limit upon my abilities to advance as I could have in a building setting.I did honest work for all,I had no comebacks.then things changed.children grew older,we grew older. And free trade opened up for me this hit hard.My wifes job became waymore important,my busines fizzeled out. MY relationshipwith “ALL” the woman within my family. Ibecame very lonely,the was no more love felt be me from my family. NO job,no affection,and no warmth,yes i am very depressed here.
My fiancé just left for the 4th or 5th time in a year. I know he’s depressed at times but what confuses me is he also has narcissistic traits. Has anyone seen this? The depression will make him dive into his video game for a week and sometimes not go to work. but, he also has a grandioso sense of self (or tries to). He’ll pull his phone out in public and boast about his numbers at work and proceed to say it’s pretty much all because of him that they’re doing so well. he’s never satisfied with what we have, always looking for a new car or bigger house (everyone dreams but….). He makes promises that we’ll do this or that but when it comes right down to it, we don’t do it, he does this with the kids also. I’ve battled with slight depression myself but his leaving this time has changed me. I miss him so much but when I actually think about him calling or walking through the door, I kind of feel disgusted. Can he be a narc and be depressed?
Dear John. I have recently lost the love of my life (20 years together). I came across your stories when searching online for advice on how to cope with separation. I have supported my partner through her depression for many years and this summer she made s brave decision to leave our relationship. I was left in shock and confusion and am still trying to deal with it all one day at a time. Your stories have hit home with me and have helped me so much in understanding what has happened. I just wanted to thank you, as reading your posts have been a turning point for me in coming to a place where I feel like I can finally make sense of my partners decision to leave.
hi everyone, as I read these stories I see I am not alone, my fiancé is in this same situation, I don’t know what to do anymore, i feel as if he is getting worse, he wont get help, he lost his job, i feel as if im going into depression as well, i want my fiancé back the one i fell in love with, he is a different person now, i cry and cry, i don’t know what to do .
It will be a long lonely road for you .if he wont get help now do not expect hjm to get help later. Once you are married you will spend tears trying to help him. If he wants a real life with you let him get hrlp before you toe the knot. But as you are newly in love you will likely believe your love eill trans dnd his moods … its not that simple. Your lonrliness will become more and more. Test his love ..if he doesnt love you enough now will you truly be happy when he resents you after? I felt alone before as he couldnt hrlp but let it show. Nothing got better at all. Let it get better before. If you were my sister i would say run a mile dear one. Run for your life. But like me you think your love will be enough. They cannot love others if they font love themselves…
Read all these posts and imagine your life 5 ten or like me 16 years later… wait . Let him love himself first..
My partner of a year and a half is a chronic depressive. About 2 months ago she tried to commit suicide by taking well over 100 paracetamol and tramadol. I was out of town at the time and she was texting me as she was doing it. Luckily, I got a friend to rush around and call an ambulance, she spent a few days in hospital and was okay. She isnt getting help. Shes been to her doctor who sent her to a psychologist and after going once she has decided she wont go to any more sessions. Ive tried to convince her to just committ to 3 sessions and if she doesn’t like it, try someone different. She signed up for yoga and has never been to a class. She wont let me touch her at all, i get snapped at and she gets irritated at me for no reason. I clean up and cook and she never lifts a finger. She’s disinterested in everything and says “dont worry, next time ill do it properly” when talking about suicide. Ive tried so many times to talk to her about it and tell her how im feeling but to no avail. Im at a loss as to what to do to try and help. I constantly feel neglected, unwanted, unattractive and disrespected and its weighing really heavy. Ive been to a family support counsellor just to try and keep my head above the water. Im at the point where I think I should just end it. I really really don’t want to but my heart is breaking. It fucking sucks.
I’m in a shockingly similar situation, we haven’t had a suicide attempt, and for what it’s worth I’m sorry to hear of yours. But I’ve certainly feared as much, am having serious trouble convincing her to talk in any way, and the idea of therapy is just being refused outright!
Your description “constantly feeling neglected, unwanted, unattractive and disrespected”, that line went deep. I’m afraid to end it because I don’t know if she could take it, nevermind if I could!
How does one convince someone how much they need help if it’s their very mind that is the problem?!
Anyway just felt the need to comment when I related so much with what you said, hang in there, I hope it works out, I plan on seeking advice from a therapist myself just so I don’t explode, I wish you a similar solution:/
My husband has depression/anxiety, is an alcoholic, a compulsive liar, and a porn addict. He’s also addicted to “New.” I fell for him because he was the perfect everything when we met. He hid things on purpose he knew I wouldn’t like. Now that I know him, he can’t ever hide. He rufused medication, refused counseling, bounced out of rehab drinking again, and I dont know what to do. I moved out 6 months ago because I’ve battled depression and I know the signs and when to get help, and I will do whatever it takes. I also want to do what it takes to save the marriage, but it seems like he doesn’t. I know it won’t be easy and we’ll never be the people we once were. I’m worried I can never trust a man again. But I wish he would just say what he wants in words instead of guessing so I can move on
where am i in this story? thinking about cheating or leaving. He has been this way the majority of our relationship. i knew him before his sister died and he was so different. thats the guy i fell for. i love him. even when he is depressed. i know he will never be that guy i first knew again. never. i cant bring myself to leave him. even though hes emotionally distant and abusive.. sad thing is i dont see myself as worth it anymore. im not worth being loved or cared about.
I hear you. My situation is much the same. Married many years and only the first few were depression free. I don’t know if my marriage will last another year. His meds are clearly off and as usual I get the brunt of the anger and negativity. It’s always my fault and the hostility is endless. No cheating or physical abuse because he knows it’s a deal breaker, but emotional abuse abounds. Where am I? Heck, we don’t have the benefit of it EVER being about us. It’s always about the depressed person. Eventually I will have to do the tough love thing AGAIN and tell him either get the meds adjusted or I’ll have to divorce him. Nothing else works. I’ve begged and pleaded, but he won’t budge because it’s all my fault. My advice to you is to NOT let him tear down your self esteem. Not many people could do what you’ve done and you must be very strong. Go out with your friends (regardless of the consequences). Take care of yourself – God knows nobody else will. You owe it to yourself. Also, don’t cheat. If you’re that far gone, leave him. If you cheat you’ll only feel worse about yourself and get involved with someone who clearly doesn’t respect marriage so cannot begin to understand why you’ve stayed – hence they’ll never respect you – just use you. You deserve better.
Thanks Dazy for your comment. My husband was normal for the first eight years we were together, and I loved him dearly. However, we got very sick with a systemic infection which left me with memory loss, vocabulary and some vision loss and many other issues that took me four years to get mostly over (the long-term memory loss hasn’t returned though). This same illness apparently triggered my husband’s genetic predisposition for depression. So, as I recovered, I began to see he wasn’t the same (emotionally, I mean). He has been depressed for five years and I have been aware of it for the last three. I got him a psychiatrist, psychologist, books and found online forums for him. He recovered from the major depression, but the dysthmia and depersonalization disorder have been almost too much to bear. He is not very verbally abusive, but he just becomes nonverbal, moving around the house a shadow of his former self, as if he were in prison. Parties, friends, holidays and even date night are beyond him. I worry about him and don’t think I can leave him. He improves and then regresses and I am so exhausted.
Thank you for explaining why one shouldn’t cheat in this situation. I know I’ve been repeatedly tempted. I just long for three hours of laughing and smiling with a man maybe with a passionate moment afterward. I know men find me very attractive, so it has been hard to overlook them all and come home to a zombie. Of course, as I can’t remember the science behind my previous profession (yet, I hope) I can’t make a living at it and have had to retraining…I am financially dependent on him.
I thought of self-harming this past week. I know it is bad when I’m cycling through methods and where in the house would be the best place to do it (so my pets don’t find me). I don’t think it is the right thing to do, but I don’t think leaving him is right, either, and it may take him a decade to recover. I’m not sure I can handle it. Looking at his family, I realize he may be like this the rest of his life.
Ive been going through a depression myself, I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years and I love her more than anything we have a beautiful two year old daughter that means the world to me, but For the past 5 months I’ve been unhappy and complaining about my car and my job, and always end up fighting with her and blaming her for that even though she has nothing to do with it, she has been supportive and patience with me , and even now I got promoted and people would think that it was an improvement from what I’ve been complaining and still I managed to find negative stuff about it and still complaint and be unsatisfied , a couple months ago we had a fight about the same two subject and she broke down in tears and she has never been that sensitive person we talked about it and I thought we moved on but she change completely she got distant and cold, I asked a couple times but she will say that it was her period but then after thats was gone I asked her again and she said that she was unhappy and confused and she didn’t know what to do that she needed to figure things out, that broke my heart cuz I never thought that it would get to that point and well so far I think thats the reason behind it since she really doesn’t know why either. now idk if she is done and I’m afraid of losing her and idk if she still thinks that we can get through this together.. I have touched the subject again cuz Im trying to give her some pace and time. the last thing I want to do is drive her way with questions that she doesn’t have an answer for.
I don’t know your wife’s personality, if she is a cuddly person or not but my husband gives me space when we are at odds, and I KEEP TELLING HIM ‘just hug me’. That’s it. He never does. He’s scared I’ll reject him, but it’s what I want more than anything when I’m upset. I think most women don’t necessarily want men to fix things – just hold us when we are upset tell us how much you love us. Then get some help. She may just want you to acknowledge she’s hurting and have you show her she is still special. The more (longer) my husband leaves me alone, doesn’t hug or touch me thinking he’s giving me space – I’m stewing why he’s not attracted to me, why he doesn’t love me, or I fume about the ‘disagreement’. etc. Just try holding her – tell her you don’t want to lose her, and you ARE (make sure you do this) getting help and would like her to participate too. She will need therapy WITH you at times so you both can work on it together. Good luck.
I couldnt agree more with Jenn. My partner is the exact same – he gives me too much space for fear I’ll reject him. I never have an never would. All I want is for him to make an effort to show he cares.
Try it with her – what have you got to lose by trying?
I’ve read these stories and I am right in the middle of a mess . I love my husband very much but he has depression he is on medication but everything that goes wrong is blamed on me . He quit his job several years ago and joined me in the business I started . We have grown this into a success but he can be rude and does not give care and attention to details . My problem is I’m a perfectionist. After years of debt borrowing to set this up,because of this the business success was important . But our clashes have caused many problems and my reputation is trashed as he makes out to everyone that I’m a nightmare . I’m not perfect and I do get worked up. But lately there have been family problems that caused this .i accept this but today I’m told I’m to blame for practically everything . All I’ve done is try and support him but I know working with him was the biggest mistake I ever made . Now the business is too big for me and I think he’s unemployable. I can’t walk away as its retail . He can’t remember costings or products .i think if he got a job when it goes wrong he will blame me again . Even when I don’t say anything he says he can see me look visually for faults . Rubbish . It’s too much . I think he needs counciling as well as pills . I just need help too . Are pills the answer for me too . ?
Pills are a temporary solution to a problem that will be permanent unless the underlying cause s addressed… I would suggest ending the relationship because it is no longer fun and finding a way to sell he business if possible.
Best of luck to you… -Tessa
My wife shut down on me emotionally in 2012. She finally left me and the kids last summer (2015). We have kept in contact through texting and phone calls and things have improved, slowly and not without setbacks. She took her “belongings” when she moved out, and recently explained she would be back to get the remainder, as she was thinking of getting a house. This is compared to other times in text when we have played around with the idea of moving back in together. I am glad to see this post as it plays right in to my chief worry – the behaviors engrained over the course of our marriage will reassert themselves without counseling. I have told others I am reasonably certain she will return and want to pick up the relationship where we left off. I have followed up with a realization that I am sure she will leave and end our relationship if I press the matter of counseling. Thank you for this! It is SO nice to know I am not wrong in my thinking.
Reading thru this blog has really helped to shed some light on my current situation. I am grateful that I’m not alone, though I feel that way much of the time. I do believe I am suffering from depression fallout. My boyfriend of 20 months lost his mother to cancer in September. I knew he struggled with depression and substance abuse before she fell ill (he lost a child years ago) but he was in such a good place and things were going so well that I allowed myself to fall for him and develop a close relationship. We had plans for a future…it seemed so bright. Since her death, he is a different person. He went from being tearful and clingy to cold, complacent and distant. He doesn’t want to be touched. He barely talks to me sometimes. He spends the majority of his time holed up in his basement and when he does get out of the house his time is spent apart from me. I have tried to be very understanding and have done anything he has asked…including giving him space and time. I feel sad and neglected often but can’t talk to him about it bc he lashes out at me. Today, I’m struggling with deciding whether to move on or try to continue to try to make it work. I don’t want to be selfish and give up, but I hate the way this feels. It is hard to be pushed away every day and to have your efforts ignored or criticized. He actually will say I am making his depression worse…and then turn around and tell me he loves me and not to give up on him. It is so confusing. I don’t hover, I don’t ask him for anything and I do my best to be supportive without enabling him. I realize depression masks alot of things and he probably suffers from anhedonia. I can’t tell if he is using his depression as an excuse sometimes…if he is trying to manipulate me or if he is hiding something. He is on the verge of losing his job and his addiction is worsening all of the time. He is indifferent at times and has spoken of suicide. I realize it will likely continue to get worse before it gets better…he refuses to get help. I am considering counseling and I take opportunities to learn about depression often…I am thankful that I’m not alone in this but I wish I knew what to do…
I am in a similar situation as you Veronica. About 18 months ago I found somebody on a dating site after 15 years of being alone. From the very start we got on so well. I have never met a man that I have so much in common with. We communicated on Facebook for nearly a year before meeting, and had become really good friends. We talked on and off every day and supported each other always. He was divorced from an abusive partner and had had lost his only son to suicide about six months before we first started to communicate. He, understandable, has very bad depression but has said that I have have changed him. He could just stop messaging me, but it’s like we need each other. He does recognise he is ill and gets help. When we first met after 10 months there was no ‘spark’ but we continued to be good friends. Just after Christmas he stayed the weekend and we slept together (my first time in 16 years by then). We had a wonderful couple of days, and decided to set up our own photographic business together (he had even bought me a new lens for my camera). He visited again on Valentines Day, but we didn’t go to bed. He has very low libido, but he seemed to enjoy my cuddles and caresses, even though he didn’t respond this time. It didn’t bother me as I was prepared for that, and I felt satisfied with being close to him.
But after that, he seemed to cool off. I have worked hard to get the business up and running and put a lot of money into it. He hasn’t even ‘liked’ the FB page. If I message him photos I’ve done I get ‘nice’ or a thumbs up sign. He won’t come up (he lives about 80 miles away) to see what I am doing, or to take pictures himself. I feel very abandoned. He now says he can’t handle a relationship and just wants to be friends. I, of course, have fallen hook, line and sinker for him. I try to support him as much as I can over FB, and to back off with the ‘love’ thing. All he says is that he is not well.
I find it very difficult dealing with a situation I can’t actually see. He is everything I ever wanted in a partner, even his vulnerability shows me a kind and caring nature, that actually craves love, despite what he says. There are times when I want to turn away like you said Veronica, but I pray I don’t ever have to do that. He needs to know that not all love is stress. I am 65 and he is 56 so there will not be a lot of time for us, and I want to make what there is as happy as possible.
You are not alone, unfortunately, my dear. I hope we get courage and strength to find a way through to help the men we so obviously love. Even the fractures in crystals can give us rainbows. I would rather have him in my life as a friend, than not at all.
To your last question: Are you worried you won’t be you anymore once he’s(she’s) gone?
I am confident in who I am and I know that I will be ok. I have had plenty of struggles in my life to test my resolve; I probably know myself better than most people. I am not trying to boast – it is just the truth. I was shot and almost killed in war. I spent months in the hospital, even more in a wheel chair. I had to relearn how to walk, how to balance. When you have been through that much physical and emotional pain, you learn a lot about yourself.
Yes, my wife is similar to many of the people described in the various comments left by others – years before, during, and after my injury.
Here is what I am worried about: what will happen to my daughter when she’s gone?
As a military dad, I know that my wife will receive primary custody of our 3 year old daughter. She will move back to her home state…15+ hours away. I will hardly see my daughter anymore. In time, I will get out of the military and move to be closer to her. But that will take years. And my biggest concern: without me around daily to be the source and receiver of my wife’s anger and frustration, will my daughter just take my place in the years to come? I don’t want her to have to bear that.
This is where I am in the story that I tell. My daughter is the reason I stay. I’m sure there is a better solution…I just haven’t found it yet.
While I would appreciate any advice or guidance, I really just needed to voice this for myself.
As a daughter of a depressed father, yes your daughter will grow up to be next in line for the abuse you receive. As a woman, my mum could’ve left and taken the children with her and removed us from the firing line. She didn’t, and still to this day defends his behaviour and puts me in line for his abusive shit. I really resent her for that. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to tell her daily that this is not her fault, that she didn’t do something wrong, that it’s her mum not her that has caused this. I really feel for you.
My husband’s depression wasn’t apparent until about a week after our wedding at which point he showed a side of himself that was utterly shocking to me. He wasn’t a con man or a psychopath, so I assumed the sudden barrage of criticisms and the cold, withdrawn moods peppered with acts of rage were due to legitimate failures on my part. He would tell me over and over, “It’s not really about you. It’s not your fault,” but all his anger was directed at me and he was unhappy with almost everything I did, so how could I not internalize what he said?
After about 9 months things got better. Looking back, I realize they were still bad but the first 9 months had been such hell and it was second-nature to subvert my own opinions and needs to his at that point, so I was blind to the unhealthy dynamic between us. After about 6 months of what felt like stability and happiness, we decided to have a child and I became pregnant quickly.
The closer I came to my due date, the more controlling and condescending my husband became. When our daughter was born there was about 4 or 5 days of euphoria and then he crashed. He withdrew almost entirely from us both and was increasingly controlling and mean. My postpartum period was extraordinarily difficult and he barely lifted a finger to help me (although he felt like he shouldered the burden almost entirely himself). Eventually he became overtly emotionally abusive – saying horrible things about me as a person and a mother. After many pleas for him to get help, he received psychological testing and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (the ADHD he liked to blame all his behaviors on came back very mild with some doubt if he had it at all).
He started on Cymbalta, which took the edge off a bit. We tried one therapist, then another. It seemed like things were getting better, until I finally worked up the nerve to address his almost complete lack of help around the house. He blew up. He was prepared to leave me (or so he said) right when we were in the midst of buying a new home and moving out of our old one.
Something in my broke at that point. I walled off my heart from him, lowered my expectations to the point where I basically accepted I was going to be a single mother most of the time, and determined to just survive the marriage for the sake of our daughter. As long as he didn’t become emotionally abusive again, I was prepared to forsake my needs in order to provide an intact home.
The move was over a few months ago. At first his attitude improved a bit, but now it’s going downhill again. Walling off my heart turned out to be the best thing I could do for myself because I finally woke up to how damaged I have been by this relationship. I have almost forgotten who I was. I have abandoned nurturing myself in favor of nurturing his pathology.
He senses this new attitude of mine – the distance and a strength which he interprets as hardness – and he hates it. He has started frequently bringing up how cold and unaffectionate I am lately and blows up when I tell him it’s because I can’t trust him enough to be emotionally intimate with him again. I have asked him to get help multiple times and so far he’s refused. I’m scared. I hate anger and angry conflict, which is how he was able to walk all over me for almost 4 years, but I am starting to stand up for myself. I’m trying to find ways to be Me again, but working full time and being the primary parent and housekeeper means I have little to no time for myself. But my mindset has shifted at least and, as my daughter needs my direct supervision and interaction less and less, I will have more time to reconnect with old hobbies.
I believe we’re reaching a breaking point in our relationship: either he will break his attachment to his depression or he will break our marriage. I am hoping for the former but can accept the latter.
Kate,
I am so sorry to read about your broken heart and situation with your husband. You have been through a really rough time.
I’m going to be brutally honest. I think your first thoughts about your husband being a con man and psychopath were more correct than thinking that he is depressed. The guy sounds like a class A abuser to me. Not only is he physically abusive but he is also abusing you emotionally and verbally.
Years ago after my ex husband physically abused me I went to a therapist and said “Help me understand how to stay with my husband until our son is 18.” She looked me dead in the eyes and asked me “What are you teaching your children?”
“What are you teaching your daughter?”
We make excuses for our partners by saying that they are depressed when in they are using it as an excuse to be an abuser. Please look into learning about the victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle.
I wish you good luck.
I met a girl around 8 months ago and straight away I found her refreshingly unique, different from any relationship previously. She didn’t try to please me and quite the contrary she tried to displease me often. She was disinterested in most of the things I told her. But then on the rare occasions that she did show pleasure it fed me enough to keep me interested. I guess I was spell-bound by her and by her single mindedness and her unique being.
I was in a stage in my life where I was looking for somebody different. The relationship was tumultuous and although I get the great sense that it is on it’s final legs it continues to be tumultuous – just to a lesser extent as the gap between us widens.
Eggshells is a word I saw higher up on this thread and that is certainly the case. It doesn’t take much to send her into a rage. It’s normally caused by my trying to understand the situation – when I try to get reassurance that we are doing the right thing. That we should be together.
She tends to blame me for all arguments – and because she blames me and believes that they are always my fault she feels it necessary to punish me and block me out for a period afterwards. This causes an immense amount of damage and resentment – and I believe that it is because of this particular damage that we are now on our last legs. I can deal with the depression itself but the intensive periods of punishment that follow are hard to bare. When you are blocked out for 3 weeks at a time you are forced to ‘get over’ it – ‘move on’ a little. Then she is back and you feel a little less than you did before – a wedge is driven deep into the intimacy of the relationship and it saddens the bejesus out of you. The spell that was cast in those first weeks is lifted and you are left facing the bleak reality of what is in front of you.
She has taken a lot of therapy in her earlier days and I’m not sure if it’s as a result of this but she also tries to hook emotional issues onto me – the problems are caused because of my issues. I accept that I am not perfect – I’m human like anyone. But I also believe I am rational and pragmatic faced with life issues. I’m too busy to allow emotional instability to disable me. Maybe I have some abandonment issues but this has not come up in the past in any significant way.
I wonder whether this tale is familiar to anyone. The difference is I guess that it is over a relatively short period. It was hard to form a proper bond in the first place which would tend to keep a couple together through difficult times. Is it ever possible to pull yourself out of depression or is it something that will lurk over you forever just with longer periods of normality. I feel that if I do stay with this girl I will need to give up a great part of myself – of my real core being and become different – a carer – someone who gives but doesn’t expect to receive. This goes against the grain for me I’m afraid – I don’t think i could do this for long without combusting.
Sorry for this weird sort of story but as you could probably tell – I needed to vent a little.
Hi Alex,
I’d like to respond as someone who is currently in a similar situation but on the other end. I hope it helps some.
Depression does warp your perception at times. It really depends where she is at with her recovery as to how you might approach this. Challenge the negative thoughts with positive ones.
It sounds like she is reacting defensively, perhaps she too feels blamed. Maybe she is scared that you don’t believe in her. Maybe she feels that you blame her for mistakes made or difficulties faced.
It sounds like there may be some issues with the ways you are both communicating with one another and interpreting things. Can you work on this together? Don’t be afraid to ask for assistance, there is a lot of help out there.
Let her know how the periods of punishment feel for you. It’s possible that she may not even be aware that this is what she is doing to you.
Try to educate yourself about depression as much as you can. It is something that affects many people from time to time, and without real understanding it can make relationships a challenge! It is temporary for some people, a response to life events. For others it is chronic and the person must learn to manage it themselves.
You can’t take on the others problems and emotional turmoil as you own. You must both look after yourselves and focus on being kind and compassionate to one another. Set some boundaries. Build trust. All good relationships take work and good planning.
Most importantly of all, do you love her? Do you want to work out how to grow together? Write down all of the qualities about her that you treasure, and tell her what these are.
Good luck
x
Thanks Dani – that’s good advice. We have actually tried that before. The listing off the good qualities and it was very useful for a while. The problems seems to be that after a time we begin to run out of fixes. There is only so many times you can tell a person that you care and that you love them and want to be with them before you start to hate the sound of your own voice.
I know it seems a horrible thing to say, but I feel so much better reading these posts and realising that I’m not the only one who is going through this.
I am so angry, frustrated and resentful today – for the first time in the 10 years we have been together, I am really feeling that I am going to have to walk away from this relationship for my own sanity. That breaks my heart and I’m really not sure how I will ever get over it. I just can’t do it anymore. I think it’s realising that this cycle of his depression will just continue indefinitely. Yesterday, when I clearly hadn’t walked carefully enough on the eggshells surrounding the million landlines in our life together, he told me that I ‘didn’t have the ability to deal with his depression’. Like I was failing him somehow.
What I realised overnight, is that it’s not that I can’t deal with it – I have been a bloody saint for the past 10 years, it’s actually that I don’t WANT to deal with it anymore. The good times in between the long, drawn out, ‘depression times’ just aren’t worth it. It’s starting to kill me. I actually don’t recognise myself anymore. I’m angry, scared, joyless and so fed up.
Sorry to rant.
Hi Kay,
I’m exactly on the same boat as you. My husband has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anhedonia since the last 6months. last two years we have been fighting over silly issues and I was thinking what went wrong that he always blamed me. Now when he has been diagnosed with MDD and Anhedonia, he completely turned my life upside down. I’m exactly at your stage. I can’t take it anymore. I have asked for divorce but both our families are kind of forcing me not to go for a divorce. I don’t have a job that is the main reason I can’t make any decision yet. I have dated with this guy for 5 years and then got married 5 years ago. We had a beautiful relationship that people always talked about. Hard to believe this was my fate! I wonder why my husband needed to take things in such a hard way in life that he went into depression! I donno what to do anymore! I sometime feel suicidal but I don’t have courage to do that either!
Don’t waste anymore of your life on him. You deserve better. And he should have the wake up call of trying to find someone who is “able to deal with his depression”– after 10 years he is taking for granted that he will be able to keeping feeding on you.
Hi everyone.
I met a nice lady 7 months ago and we started dating and we did a lot together, i met her family and grandkids and everything was going really fine up until september when her mother was diagnosed with cancer and she had to watch her grand daughter as well due to the grand daughters mom working.
I knew she was stressing and depressed about all this a week before she left me and i offered to help in any way i could.
Then she sent me a text saying she was stressed and couldnt be in a relationship at all and that her life was on hold.
She said i was a great person but she just couldnt build on the relationship at this time because she was stressed but she wanted to stay in touch with me because i brought joy into her life.
I have tried calling her, texting her, and even sent her flowers to see how shes doing and offer support but no response. Nothing but silence.
Its been 2 months since her last message.
Im at a loss as to why and wondering if depression and stress can cause this? She has never given me any reason to doubt her sincerity or explanations.
She had to take time off from work too to help her mother so i know she has to be hurting financially.
I am concerned about her but i just cant see how her life is on hold. She has to be living some form of exsistance of a life.
As for me, im in counseling and getting better to understand my hurt from this and to better myself stronger and understand her stress and depression.
Yes i still hope and pray for her to return but if and when it happens i will be a better and stronger man when she does.
Just wondering if in my case she will come back based on what ive spoken?
This really took a toll on me and my emotions as i didnt know what and why this happened. But at the same time i am learning about her stress and depression one day at a time.
Your thoughts, views and insights are welcome.
Thanks in advance.
Hello, Stephan. See my reply to Veronica. My man has withdrawn because he is having a terrible time dealing with his 16 year old son’s suicide two years ago. He says he is numb, and cannot enter into a relationship, although he must want some sort of contact as I found him on a dating site, all be it as ‘ dating, but nothing serious’.
I too am learning about his depression. He says he will get better, but I have no way of knowing if he will turn to me when he is. I think all we can do is wait and be there. If we try our hardest to understand and support, even if they have withdrawn from us, then there should be no shame or recriminations if we have to turn away for our own self-preservation.
I wish you luck and love, friend. Let’s pray we both get there.
This sounds like a type of depression where she’s really internalizing it and not taking it out on you. In a way this can be good, because if she’s not someone that classically deals with depression, she may be able to come to acceptance one day and heal. She probably doesn’t understand what she feels because she hasn’t felt it before. Relationships take a lot of work emotionally, and maybe she just doesn’t know how to cope with that right now. You guys aren’t married, so neither of you have a commitment to have and to hold right now. Hopefully she won’t battle ptsd and never seek help, but in the meantime, give yourself time to heal. It may never be meant to be, but that doesn’t mean that one day you won’t have a relationship with her or someone else that is.