Depression sets relationship traps for both partners. Everything can change quickly between two people, and it’s crucial to be able to spot these changes as soon as possible.
Here are 11 signs of the illness that seem perfectly designed to undo the bonds of closeness.
Humor, talking and doing things together, sharing special moments – they’re all gone.
In their place are avoidance, anger, blame and isolation.
Two Sides of Depression
Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side.
It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they’re feeling. The person they’re closest to takes the brunt of their anger. The first several symptoms in this list describe these behaviors.
On the passive side, the abuse is turned inward. It’s the depressed partner who’s the center of every problem. They’re self-absorbed to the point of losing the ability to relate to others in a realistic way.
Instead of denial and blaming everyone else for their pain, they focus on their own worthlessness, even to the point of thinking constantly of suicide as the only way out.
Many of these relationship traps converge and become all the more damaging through their combined impact. The specific behaviors can emerge in dozens of different ways, and here I’ve drawn partly on what I did when depressed. The experience could feel very different in your relationship.
The Relationship Traps
-
Irritability.
Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.
-
Control.
When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. Even the flow of spontaneous feeling in the family can be threatening. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they’re desperate to preserve. That order, however, is completely arbitrary and can vary from moment to moment, depending on their own feelings. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.
-
Blame.
The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ruining their lives and ignoring their needs. They keep lists of their grievances and obsess about the way they’re frustrated at every turn. Their partner is selfish and never tries to help. At work, they’re driving them crazy. Someone else is always at fault. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.
-
Abuse.
Contempt and rejection become common. There is rebuke in every glance. Dismissive remarks about their partner’s appearance and attempts at conversation become the norm. With verbal attacks, they try to manipulate partners into believing they’re the ones in need of help and cause them to question their own judgment. At social gatherings, the depressed partners can make cutting remarks and ignore their partners while engaging happily with everyone else. At the worst, verbal abuse can even escalate to physical attacks.
-
Addiction/Escape.
Trying to escape the pain of depression can lead to addictive behavior. Alcohol can dull all feeling. Drugs, pornography, affairs or fantasies of escaping to a new life can all provide temporary emotional highs and arousal to replace the despair or lack of deep feeling depression can cause. Real intimacy and relationship seem remote and disappear in the need to get away from the reality of the illness. The well partners can’t get through to them and can face angry denial that there’s anything wrong with them.
-
Emotional Withdrawal.
Suddenly a depressed partner can feel like they’re not there. Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life. Nothing seems to get through to them. It’s as if they’ve disappeared. A relationship becomes impossible when it’s all one way.
-
Obsessive Thinking.
It’s often called ruminating, but I prefer to call it obsessive thinking. That gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they’ve ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn’t make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person. They’re always close to the surface and provide reminders every day of how inadequate they are. These thoughts are a constant distraction from any effort to connect with a partner. They’re lost in these memories of everything they’ve ever done wrong and can never set right.
-
Isolation.
Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left. Even when not so desperate, they may want to do things alone that they used to do with their partners. They may work all the time and avoid the pressure of being with people. The well partner is deserted. There’s literally no one there to try to relate to.
-
Indifference.
Sometimes the sense of being overwhelmed or too despairing to face anyone is replaced by the inability to feel much of anything. The partner might say everything is fine, but there is no sense of real connection. Nothing stirs excitement. There’s no interest in sex. They may say they feel fine but have no interest in doing anything. They can be apparently quite sociable and at ease but can’t share anything deep or really make contact. Something is missing inside.
-
Inability to Talk.
Depression can be so deep that the desire to talk and communicate disappears. The partner might be content to sit and stare for hours. If asked what’s wrong or if they want anything, there’s little response. Or if they’re still active, they may just find it impossible to talk about the depression they’re experiencing. They may say they’re trying to spare their partners the turmoil they’re going through. Or they can feel there is something so monstrous in them that they dare not expose it to anyone close. Nothing inside can be exposed through words.
-
Shame and Worthlessness.
One of the hallmarks of depression is the overpowering sense of worthlessness. Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I’ve never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Everyone else may think I’m fine but they just don’t know what really goes on inside me. My partner couldn’t possibly love an idiot like me. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.
It’s hard to imagine a more complete inventory of weapons for destroying relationships. Even one or two would be like poison, but depression often brings them all together. They may not all occur within a single episode, but any of them can arrive without notice.
In future posts in this series, I’ll discuss how both partners can deal with these destructive changes and try to survive depression together.
How has depression affected your relationships? Have you watched a partner disappear in this illness, or have you been the depressed one imposing pain on your partner?
Image by pumpkinmook at Flickr
I’ve searched and searched, but haven’t been able to find a story like mine. My boyfriend and I started seeing each other in June 2015. He knew about my depression from the start, and when we first met, I was still grieving over a recent breakup, and just looking for support from friends. But he changed everything for me, we fell in love, and he moved in with me that September. My depression was nearly non-existent for the first time in 20 years. I was the best “me” I had been in a very long time. We were very happy, and honestly had no problems.
But in May of last year, I started descending into a depressive episode. Because I had been feeling so well, I foolishly hadn’t gone to my last appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist, although I always take all my medications religiously. It took a while for me to admit there was a serious problem and make appointments, and since those are hard to come by, more time passed and I got worse.
My psychiatrist and I started working with my meds, but it was the beginning of December before I really felt like I was in a place where I could push myself the rest of the way out of the episode. But depression is seductive, and feels strangely safe at times, so I was not yet trying as hard as I could’ve been. But four days before Christmas, my boyfriend said he was done.
Before I talk about how I behaved during my episode, I want to say that he still loves me, he just isn’t in love with me. Due to financial circumstances, including me losing my job because of the episode, we are going to continue living together for the time being, and he will be paying the bills until I get a job. He is no way a mean or cruel person, and clearly cares about me a great deal. He also went with me to my last therapist appointment, and is going to the next one as well. We still get along as well as ever, and still hug each other a lot.
I apparently wasn’t the “typical” depressed partner. I was a shadow of myself, sort of flatlined, and feeling a lot of the despair, hopelessness, and self-loathing of depression. I was also suffering the physical and cognitive fatigue and slowness. But while I was a black hole, I wasn’t mean. I never pushed him away. I didn’t sleep constantly, and I still helped with the housework as much as I could. I didn’t want to go out most of the times when he asked, and I didn’t leave the house by myself for the entire 6 months. But I interacted with friends on Facebook, and he and I still talked, were still intimate. He told me he missed his girlfriend, and I knew I wasn’t fully myself.
He’s had to work a lot of hours due to our financial issues, he was dealing with an only partially there mate, waiting for something to happen so his divorce can proceed, and generally feeling like he had to handle everything. He isn’t the type to get stressed, he sees solutions instead of problems, but he got overwhelmed. I never lost sight of the part I played in causing his stress, and let him know often how guilty and terrible I felt about it. I would say it was my fault, and he would say no, it’s the depression’s fault.
There were times when he got angry out of sheer frustration, but he handled it, and we didn’t fight, never put each other down. So when he told me that night he was finished, I was caught completely off guard. And that night is when I fully realized I needed to start working harder on getting well, and aside from not having a job, I’m back to the person I was before. But because of the depression, he doesn’t see me like he once did. He never wants to go through that again, and doesn’t trust me when I say in the future it won’t have time to take hold like it did this time, how I much prefer feeling well, and that being with him and having the wonderful relationship we had is the best motivation ever to fight as hard as I can.
This man is everything I ever wanted in a partner. I’ll turn 40 this year, and it took me so long to find him. He agrees that I did nothing wrong, and I can’t accept that this will all end when I had such a mutually healthy relationship. I see so many stories from his side, people trying desperately to hold onto their partner despite the hell of depression, and here I am, being rejected despite the fact that I’ve gotten better. I’m just hoping that he will be able to tear down the wall he has put up in defense, and realize I’m the same woman he fell in love with.
Thanks for reading.
Wow, I also suffer deep depression, this is my story almost word for word. My wife has just left me after 20 years the woman I love and the last person I wanted to hurt the damage is done. Hope all works out in the end…….. Dave x
Thank you. I feel there is still a possibility, but I’m simultaneously trying to prepare myself for the idea that I may be wrong. If there’s a chance for your marriage, I sincerely hope it will work out. If not, focus on taking care of yourself. That’s the only way to move forward, hard as it may be. <3
Alice
Hi this sounds awful and I am now in a similar position just came off my meds and cycling quite a bit. Doctors have decided I need to go back on but the damage these cycles do to my relationship is unbearable. The worst is when I am at my deepest I kick her out of my life (thankfully do not say it out but do feel anger towards her) but then I come back and want her. I wish I could leave depression/anxiety behind me once and for all as it means destroying what ever good things I have in my life.
Hello.. I am not sure where to start.. I have had depression for a long time and I just “woke up” from an episode several weeks ago.. I believe I have lost the love of my life. I started dating a man when I was pregnant with my daughter, shortly after we started dating my child was born at 26 weeks and was in NICU for a long time. Because she was rushed to the NICU an hour and a half away I didn’t have that bonding experience with her. When she was released, she felt like a stranger to me.. then my mom passed away 2 months after my child’s release. My love was there every step of the way but I never grieved and the depression got worse and worse. Then I started seeing a therapist and he had me open boxes… that process worsened EVERYTHING and I shut him out.
Do I move on with my life? My best friend and boyfriend has suddenly decided he doesn’t know what he wants and can’t see how the future will play out. He struggles with depression and anxiety, but over the past few months I’ve seen sudden outbursts of anger and irritation. There are periods where he shuts down and talks to no one. A little over a week ago he decided he didn’t know what he wanted with our future anymore because he couldn’t see how the future should play out. He sees a psychologist sometime in the next week because his PCP feels that it might be bipolar depression.
He did not talk to me for a week and I have him that time. I text him after a week letting him know I missed him and didn’t want to lose him. He did message back, but only more about a car accident he was in and how his brand new car (an impulse buy sports car) was totalled and the accident was his fault. That something bad was already written in stone for him. I let him know I was there and that I couldn’t fix it for him, but could walk through the storm with him. He said nothing the next day.
My friend is telling me that if he’s not answering about our relationship by now then he wants it to be over, but the last time we talked he asked me to wait to see how he makes out with the pschycologist. Do I wait? Or is she right? Any advice would be appreciated.
Well, my advice is generally this:
If your partner is genuinely willing to seek therapy and make you a part of it, and if you’re really wanting to put in the same effort to see if things can be turned around, then why not give it a try? If there’s no real commitment from one side or the other towards wanting to work on this thing, then it’s really difficult to se how only one partner could make it work. It’s like pushing on a rope. If this is the case, I would suggest the non-depressed partner seriously consider how much they can take before they’re out. It’s amazing how insidiously the depression can spread to you without you even realizing it.
One caveat: if his depression is taking the form of any kind of physical abuse, leave immediately. Emotional abuse is harder to quantify (even for the one on the receiving end), but if you see a bruise as a result of your partner’s actions, it’s a clear sign to walk and not turn back.
I think that is up to you. It sounds like you’ve done what any supportive person would say to someone getting drug along for the ride. You’ve let him know you are here for him which is all you can do at this point it seems. Does he have any other friends or family you could talk to that could also check in on him while he figures out his stuff and where your relationship lies? How long do you feel like you can wait is another factor which only you can answer. Mental illness is incredibly difficult. He may even be subconsciously pushing you away because he thinks you deserve better. If you feel like you want to wait through the psychologist, that is your choice alone to make but don’t allow yourself to be a doormat or unfairly dragged through things that could trigger bad feelings for you too. I dated a guy for 6 years with schizophrenia, anxiety and major depression and I’d have to hold him while he cried from voices in his head. It was heartbreaking. It got to the point where he had to stop going anywhere in public because if he heard anyone laughing, they assumed they were making fun of him. That was his illness, not a fact. He ended up passing away; nothing I could tell him about how loved, smart, and handsome he was worked. It sucks the illness kept him from seeing the truth. It was something I could only hold along for the ride, doing the best I knew how. If he would have pushed me away I’m not sure how I would have handled it, but you can’t force him to let you in. I’m sorry you’re going through this! If he gets better and comes back, that is wonderful but all you can do is trust your heart and just let him know you’re there if thats what you decide. I hope this helps even just getting a reply, I wish you the best.
He may just need time to sort things out for himself. When you’re struggling with depression, you are by nature selfish, because you can’t see past what you’re going through, or your vision is clouded by the depression. If he’s seeing a therapist/psychologist, that’s a good sign. Hopefully they will be able to give him some tools to work with. Take care of yourself now, because you need to be well regardless of the outcome. That may be what he needs to do now too, as it is essential to focus on taking good care of yourself to get out of depression.
This is just really accurate and really helpful. I live with a depressed spouse and the description of the way her depression quickly turns to irritability, blame, and withdrawal describes the situation extremely well. I still love my wife, but years of depression (and its associated irrational blame) has seriously endangered our relationship.
Has she sought professional help? If she has the side affects you mentioned, she may take offense to your suggestion. So if thats not an option, maybe suggest couples counseling that way it seems like a team issue and not just hers. Maybe once you start the couples counseling, some of her true issues will come to surface and she can find coping mechanisms that don’t make you the punching bag. You sound like you want it to work out despite everything, all you can do is try. If she refuses it all, its up to you what your next step is. I wish you the best!!
I have been able to get my husband to see a therapist a couple of times over the years. One of them explained that he was clinically depressed. Now he just says, “well, I tried therapy and it didn’t work.” When I try to see if he will do couples counseling, he just says, “Oh, the therapist will just talk about how great you are and how it’s all my fault.”
He exhibits virtually all of these symptoms. We got married 13 years ago and he has never held a full-time job since then. He started out with a bunch of cash from stocks he cashed in after working for a start-up company. He was unfairly pushed out of that firm due to a personality conflict with his manager, and he has never let that go. He points back to those events as the reason why no one will ever hire him again. Since then, rather than getting a job, he has just lived off that cash. I have literally begged him to find some kind of work — even volunteer work — to get him back into the swing of getting up at a normal time, going to work, etc. Nothing. I have been working ever since we’ve been married, often on multiple jobs or projects, and I have also authored three books. He takes credit for my work in public and in private, jabs t me for being the cause of all of his problems.
As I write this, he is upstairs laying in bed after he spent nearly two hours telling me what a loser he is, how he can’t do anything and how this is my fault because he spent the last 12 years helping me with my career. I’ve really run out of patience. Last summer, I almost left. He talked me into staying. The prompt was yet another day of waking me up at 4 a.m. and spending four hours talking about how he got fired from his job (16 years ago), and how no one likes him, he’s a loser, etc. Over the years, I’ve learned not to say anything at all because even if I try to say something constructive, he turns on me and it ends up in a huge fight. Invariably, I’m a terrible, selfish person who doesn’t really care about him and only about myself.
I think that I am now suffering from depression. My work has really suffered, and I had my worst year of earnings in my adult life last year. I feel like I spend a lot of my time trying to help him succeed or get a job, so I have no time to work myself. I have become increasingly irritated with him, I have little interest in sex and I have difficulty focusing. I’m starting to spend time thinking about my failures, something I never did before. I just don’t know what to do.
I forgot to mention, now his cash has run out and we’re hugely in debt. This has just strained our marriage even further. I can’t see how we’ll get out of this debt if he can’t/won’t work and I am struggling in my career due to my own anxiety and depression. I’m a writer, and I’m just so emotionally off kilter or suffering from lethargy, likely from stress and depression or my inability to sleep well. I just can’t finish or accomplish anything.
We also have began to drink a *lot* of wine, particularly in the evenings. I know that it is a coping mechanism for both of us. I have even drank during the day after verbally abuse spats. I know that it’s a bad way to manage my anxiety.
I’m such a different person than I used to be. I was in track in high school and college, and I’ve run half marathons. Before we got married, I was into long-distance cycling, Up until about 2 1/2 years ago, I did Bikram yoga at least twice a week. I was always in great shape.
I’m now 25 pounds overweight, constantly exhausted, irritable and I can’t even fathom going for a run. It seems completely beyond my ability.
One of our agreements when we got married was that we would *never* discuss any problems with our marriage with anyone. Well, last summer, after his marathon session telling me how he was so worthless/why do people hate him/I should leave him/he loves me so much/we’ll soon be living in a trailer/I’m a selfish bitch/etc. It ended up in a huge spat.
I had to get up to speak at a conference, and was picking someone up along the way. She asked what was wrong, and just burst into tears. For the first time, I told someone how lonely, anxious and depressed I was in my marriage and that I felt trapped. That morning, I just overwhelmed with despair.
I ended up going home, telling that I wanted things to work out, but we needed to go to counseling together but that if he didn’t see the need for this, I had to leave. He ended up convincing me that the *real* problem was that I betrayed him by talking to someone outside our marriage. I ended up staying. But now he brings *that* up almost daily. Now he can’t respect me or trust me because I told a friend I was totally miserable. This just proves his loser/worthless mantra. Now he keeps saying, “Well, when you leave me” and “your second husband will be better.” It’s incredibly hurtful because I do really love him.
Since then, I’ve wished every day that I’d had the strength to leave. I have had to start telling him that I am his wife, not a therapist. I can’t listen to his negative cycling anymore. It just makes me depressed. I am now in a “can’t do this/no one will hire me/I’ll never write another book” place. I’ve had suicidal thoughts myself.
It’s funny because on the outside, I think people see me as this hugely successful person with what appears to be a great marriage. This makes it all worse because now I feel like a total fraud on top of everything else.
We have no money, of course, so there’s no money for therapy. But we keep spending money so people don’t know we’re broke.
Anyway, thank you for listening.
I will just say, that you are not alone. We love these people, but maybe we can love them but not have to in a relationship with them somehow. That’s my plan reading all of this. I don’t want this to go for the rest of life. You only live once!
Anna, I think we have very similar situations! My husband doesn’t blame me for his failures, but if I make any comment that’s anything other than unicorns and rainbows, then I’m to blame for his black mood. His therapist has told him that I need to be able to make a reasonable expression without his taking it personally and then withdrawing, but he can’t seem to let it go.
I’ve always been the breadwinner, and he stayed home with our kids when they were young. He started his own business but as he never put any energy into it, it wasn’t very successful. I also begged him to do volunteer work or just to do something to get out of the house. Finally he got a job, which is good, but he just can’t shake the depression. We have had two instances where he ran up debt and then lied to me about it, so this is not simply a function of tolerating his moods, he has actively misled and lied to me. And it’s not going to happen again. The first time this happened I was very active trying to get him back in a good frame of mind, to get him started on medication and treatment, and to get it under control. And then the same thing happened again, so it’s clear to me that for this to be really resolved he has to do the hard work with therapy and get it figured out – I can’t do it for him. He is very focused on himself and can’t see anything beyond that. He hardly talks to me anymore. And it’s not like I expect him to talk all the time about deep topics. How about bringing up something that is going on with the kids? Or his family? Or here’s a crazy idea, how about me? But all he can think about is himself.
I’m considering asking him to leave as a trial separation. If all he can think about is himself, maybe he just needs to be by himself until he gets it figured out.
Most of these points hit home perfectly for me. I live with my GF, and our 2 children. We have been together for around 2.5 years, when i met her she had a 5 year old daughter whom i consider to be my child now, her dad is no longer in the picture, and we just had a son about a year ago. When we met i had just moved to a different town and had gotten a different job, i have dealt with what i consider depression most of my life, constant nagging voice in the back of my head teling me im not good enough or telling me that so and so thinks this of you, the thoughts of suicide the whole nine. When her and i met i was virgin, she was my first and though she had a kid i obviously knew that she was not, but i found a list of all the guys that she had slept with and it is a very long list. This number of guys makes me feel very insecure to the point that when we even have sex all i can think about is her with someone else, i just want it to stop but i cant. She still talks to one guy as well and that just sets me off, if she mentions his name or anything to do with hm i just go into insecure mode and give her the cold shoulder. I ave nothing to do with her past and i dont know why i let it bother me so much but it is a daily thing that really eats at me, she knows that it bothers me. I just regret not having sex before i met her, i actually told her that the other day and it didnt seem to bother her at all. Also now since my son was born the sex is hard to come by and its very boring lay there and get it done before she falls asleep, that is what makes me feel the most insecure. I have tried bringing it up to her and she dances around it. Anyone else have this problem out there trying to deal with their partners sexual past and the regret of your lack of sexual partners??
Prbly the biggest thing triggering my depresion is the fact that i lost my best friend to a work accident 4 years ago, he was more of a brother to me thatn my actual brother and i spent my whole life with him. Hes not around to be my person to talk to and there are just things i dont feel comfortable talking to my girlfriend about. When i drink it gets the worst and i get very emotional about it. I plan to try to find someone to talk to about all of this because something needs to be done, i have 2 children that depend on me to be the strong father figure in their lives and i am too big of a man to let this destroy their lives as well.
leave her. she should not be talking to that guy. she should be the person you feel you can talk to
Have you sought help for your personal issues? It sounds like you could use the help of antidepressants and someone to talk to that will be a sounding board since you no longer have your best friend. Perhaps this will help you work through your insecurity and gain more confidence and be an even better father figure. I know loss of the one person you couldn’t stand to lose, I did the same as you…drink to cope. It was only a temporary way to make me feel better but the emotions drunken depression bring are not going to help. Its hard to accept that when alcohol becomes a crutch to deal with life but if you want to truly improve your life and your kid’s lives, I think its best to cut back. Find ways to hold yourself accountable like making goals to keep you from drinking; like if you get the urge, go for a run instead. Tell your kids you’re not going to drink anymore so that way the little eyes are watching and you have more than just yourself to be held accountable by. I’m not trying to preach, I’m literally working on this now so I am right there with you on navigating it. As for the girlfriend, you will have to try to move past her sexual history, or the sexual history of any woman you meet in the future should you and your girlfriend break up. I know its easier said than done, but the worrying about something you can’t change or control only brings you unhappiness and you deserve happiness and confidence. The hugest issue I see with the girlfriend is that she is absolutely taking advantage of you and disrespecting you in a blatant way. Not only does she know you are insecure about her talking to the guy, you sound like a good guy especially for stepping up to care for her child. When sex is nearly nonexistent in a relationship, when the other person is knowingly talking to another guy that sounds like an affair to me, especially because the thought of you with another woman didn’t phase her. Have you asked her face to face if theres something going on? It is relationship suicide for one person to disrespect the other by having other men taking the place of YOU even if its “just a friend”. Your needs come first because you are her man and baby’s father. I think first you need to work on yourself for your own chance at happiness and mental peace. And definitely give her an ultimatum…work on your family or keep talking to this dude? Then you’ll know where she stands, I absolutely think continuing to talk to someone else while not watering your own grass at home is damaging to all. Kids like to see their parents happy together, not distant. It gives them a healthier view on relationships for life and what to look for in a spouse. Overall, if she can’t respect you enough and the kids to work on the relationship, that’s on her and you deserve better. I hope this all makes sense, I relate a lot to your story and really hope you help yourself have a chance at happiness. The way I saw it was….this isn’t freaking working drinking the sorrow away and worsening my depression and it hasn’t worked for years so why am I continuing to make myself miserable?! I also had to realize the person I lost would not be proud of me or want me to continue living in misery over them, they’d want me to be happy and healthy. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity! It finally clicked for me. I hope to hear an update from you and hope I didn’t sound preachy, this is just what I’ve learned through trying to cope myself.
I am glad i found your comment because my husband’s sexual past has contributed to my depression and I cant seem to get over it. I used to be okay with it, not happy about it but it never consumed my mind and caused so much problems. This problem came up though because of hate for my job. I would listen to music every day and the music would remind me of things and then i would get super said thinking about him with his ex. I dont like music anymore either…i think if i would get out of this horrible job i might be able to get better and not be consumed by this pain and depression. In a way i want to seek a professional to talk to because i talk to my mom but she is kind of getting sick of me not trying to be positive. I dont know how a professional would help though because how can they help me get images and thoughts out of my head? It doesnt help that i know too much…mostly from things my husband or his friends have said about the past and it eats me away. I wish he had never told me, but i know he did so that there werent secrets in our relationship. A lot of things just make me cringe when i hear them because of things i know and do not want to. I wish i could just shut off my brain and go back to before this was a problem. If i knew how things would be for me today years ago, there are so many things i would do differently. I want to talk to him about it but when i have he gets annoyed and mad and tells me i need to stop and get over something that means nothing to him. But he doesnt understand the problem because he was my first everything…so he doesnt have someone before. I just wish i was the first because most everyone i know is with their first person and it just sucks. I just feel so alone in this feeling…which just adds to my depression and anxiety. I know the past doesnt matter…that he chose me…but its just hard. Its nice to know someone has the same problem as me…i just wish that was enough and that i could let this go.
Wow there are a lot of others going through this too. It helps so much to read some of the comments to this great article. It describes me to a T. I pray to God that everyone finds peace and happiness soon. I strongly believe that my relationship, which only 2 1/2 months ago turned to marriage, has been the thing to destroy me and bring depression and anxiety into my life. Been together 6 1/2 yrs and through a lot!! Alcoholism, past hurts, addiction. We got through all that, but still the trust gets repeatedly broken (no cheating, just emotional trust), no connection, no touching (what touching there may be from him, hurts and burns me inside), lack of caring and understanding, criticizing and over-opinionating. Nothing I say, no matter how I say it is good enough. No ideas or attempts at casual conversation ever ends without a fight of who’s is better. We are great at projects and work, we can get anything done. But it’s like everything is about work at work (the same employer) and work at home. We live together, commute together, work together, eat meals together, chores together, spend off time together. All I want is space and he doesn’t think we need space and won’t give to me! He is self sufficient. He likes to cook, he does dishes, his laundry. I’m not needed for anything. 90% of the time because I don’t do it right or well enough. No intimacy since honeymoon and then 4 months before that.And the previous year-all rarities, months between! It’s not normal right? Before him I was slow to anger, always positive, eager and motivated. Over the last 6 years I have crumbled and now I am officially depressed. All friends and family think we are so happy and perfect together and I feel like I am writing inside with no one to talk to. I don’t want to make my family cry and I don’t want to burden and wine to my friends because it’s been like this for years. Thanks for giving me an out guys! Good luck to you all. God Bless
First you should seek some sort of counseling or medication for yourself! You can’t change someone else unless they want to but you can work on yourself and your happiness. Is he open to marriage counseling because the fact he belittles you on housework and neglects your sexual needs especially has newlyweds sounds like a 3rd party might be needed. It seems so strange that he doesn’t want to give you space but he also seems uninterested in supporting your wishes that your asking for while also not seeming to enjoy your company. Is he controlling? Spending all day every day with your spouse with no outside interests of your own sounds overwhelming! With my depression, I need space too but from my kids because I’m a stay at home mom and never get any second alone, even to use the restroom and also don’t have anything for myself outside of my home. I also understand hating the feeling of being a phony and living a lie when everyone thinks you’re so happy. It makes the isolation worse because there’s no one to tell the truth to.
I see you said there is no cheating, and I don’t see how he would have time being that you’re together constantly…but has he mentioned why he doesn’t want to have sex? I really do not mean this offensive, but have you considered he may be gay? It seems like you’re living more as roommates than spouses is why I ask plus the lack of affection. I have a friend who went through this and had similar signs; his family expected him to marry a woman so he did. Does he watch porn instead of being with you because such a low sex drive for a willing woman seems off. It would hurt my feelings if my husband didn’t want to have sex with me so I feel like with the other put downs he dishes at you that is contributing to your self worth. Could he be depressed himself?! Just thinking out loud, sorry for all the questions. I also worry about the part about hurting and burning during the sex you do have doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Even if he hasn’t cheated it sounds like an underlying issue, maybe you should visit your gyno for a STD check or if theres some other issue thats causing you pain because that isn’t normal.
The fact your entire personality has changed is concerning and sad. How has he not noticed or responded to your needs!? You don’t owe him the chance to tell you no on finding something healthy for yourself like a hobby or class that gives you some time away. You have to help your happiness too! You could even look into getting a different job where you won’t be surrounded by him and being belittled about who is better constantly. I am feeling for your situation and the fact you feel like you have no one to talk to. If you ever want to email me, danielle[dot] adair [at] go [dot] tarleton [dot] edu , the line is open. I really hope since this is a month old some positive changes have been made to help your depression. Remember your family doesn’t know the truth of everything, so you have to do what you have to do. If nothing changes, you shouldn’t have to live your life miserable and put down constantly.
I’m hoping someone who is depressed or with someone depressed can offer input…. I have been with someone for many years, he goes through 2-week to month-long “dark” phases. During this time, he isolates, watches TV non-stop, stops eating right or exercising, stops communicating and caring, etc.
So… one of the things I’ve started doing when he completely stops talking to me is to remove the power cords from the TVs. I know it sounds bad, but I am tired of being ignored. I feel that TV is enabling him to escape from life and is doing him no good. He can watch up to 10 hours a day which is extremely unhealthy – especially for someone who is depressed–and I feel that it’s my duty to intervene.
Just wondering if anyone thinks this is overboard or if it’s acceptable. I just want to snap him back into reality and I feel like his “drug” is TV.
I totally understand your frustration but I don’t think this is going to help. He could get extremely resentful and angry at what you’re doing.
You can’t force another person to change because you don’t like how they behave, it’s got to come from them.
Initially I would try and just TALK to him about it. Not in terms of “this is bad and you have to stop it” but more that you love him, how it’s distressing you and that you are concerned. It’s a conversation you need to have gently and without any threats or blame.
Get some advice from a professional first on how to frame it, so you’ll be ready with whatever his response might be.
Does he dislike when he gets this way and want to change or comfortably numb? I hate myself when I get like this and want to be my best version of myself but I just can’t muster the strength or care to do anything. No one really did try to help me until I finally lost my crap and said “If we don’t do something now, I don’t know if I’ll make it much longer.” I’m working on a list of goals both short term and long term with improvements all around I’d like to make for myself but not so drastic its unachievable. Baby steps. You could try to approach it even when hes his usual self, maybe he would be more receptive. If he does want help, you will be the catalyst for helping him make positive suggestions in replacing his coping mechanisms like, instead of sitting around watching tv, ask him to go for a walk with you…fresh air is always helpful for me, or make his favorite semi healthy meal so he doesn’t fill up on junk, even just sitting with him to let him know you’re there (just suggestions, not sure what will work for you). If I’d had someone asking me to do this and that, instead of being allowed to lay in bed or drink every night, I wouldn’t have gotten as bad as I did. It was untreated for a long time, but I think a lot of it was because I was too scared to make a change because it would require effort I couldn’t make my brain muster stepping out of my box and actually doing something about it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! From your perspective, as someone watching your loved one go through it… I’ve was with someone for 6 years who was depressed, schizophrenic, etc. It got progressively worse. I’d have to hold him while he cried because the voices wouldn’t stop. I didn’t understand it, but it was heartbreaking. It got to the point where he wouldn’t go anywhere because if he heard laughter, it meant they were laughing at him. Mental illness is awful. Trying to make him see the light was difficult..he couldn’t see any good aspects in himself despite having plenty. He ultimately passed away and I still wonder what else I could have done but I did try and he knew I was there for him. Some people just want to make it stop. All you can do is try and offer support and resources.
I feel like the cord thing is a little harsh, honestly, yet I totally understand where your heart is because you just want to help him life a healthy, productive life. On the bright side, there could be much much worse things he could be doing to get through it. Netflix binges would have been preferable to falling down drunk or the millions of other unhealthy ways I coped. I know you know that and you’re just feeling helpless and frustrated with the whole thing but this is at least something that isn’t amplifying it or super destructive, just some perspective.
If he hasn’t gotten medicine or therapy thats definitely where to start. It may take a couple tries to get his medicine right, so don’t let that discourage you if that is the case. If you have access to his health care info, maybe you could do the research to find a reputable, thorough doctor and get the ball rolling so its one less daunting thing to do when he’s feeling like this, because nearly everything feels impossible. My sister did the doctor research for me and my husband made the appointment bc I also have anxiety and talking on the phone is not doable. I cried happy tears when I had an appointment because it meant I was having a chance to know what its like to wake up and just be normal. During my dark phases I wished people would ask how to help instead of doing nothing, but I honestly I didn’t tell anyone how bad it was in my head because I isolated myself.
Also, I worry if you do the cord thing it would just cause anger and resentment toward you or make him worse or have longer lasting episodes or finding a worse way to deal. Just a thought.
And you don’t have to do it alone, could you enlist another person he is close to and trusts to get him out of the house, go to a game…something to offer support. Once I came out with all my issues, I got a lot of support and felt hope. It was a little embarrassing because of the stigma, but honestly I just felt so ready to not be like that and get a diagnosis. Try to research more on the mind of a depressed person so you understand more what its like to be like this, it is crippling. I guess every case is different but my husband didn’t understand it so my depression was met with what I felt like him assuming I was just lazy because he didn’t get it. My brain created scenarios of him wishing he’d done life with someone else better than me who could handle stuff even though he never said that or implied it…I’d still be like “no one criticizes ME more than ME, I know I’m worthless, thanks though. Back in the hole I go..” Your bf may assume you hate him or have bad thoughts about him which is why he pulls away more.
In the end, you can approach it and set it out there, but you can’t snap him out by force…you can try to facilitate things by offering support and empathy but he has to make a decision to get help and work toward positive changes. People not making me feel crazy was a nice touch. Maybe try to figure out his triggers as well to help him avoid them. Mine always hit hardest in November when my ex died, I started feeling it at the end of September …basically knowing “winter is coming” and not sure when it’d be over…I can’t avoid months clearly so I still don’t know what I’ll be like next year. Also my mom is very ill and it takes a toll on me watching her deteriorate. Anyway, I really hope you guys are successful; its hard on you and him. I hope to see an update because I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum and hope yall are able to find something that helps you both to be happier. Sorry for the novel!!
Danielle (and Morgan) –
Thank you so much for the reply. It’s pretty bizarre that you wrote this today because we’ve been doing so good lately but tonight it seems like he’s heading back down into his hole.
He started therapy three weeks ago… he said he believes it’s just going to have to be a life-long necessity for him, which is great. I am very grateful that he is open and willing to go. It’s helpful for him to have someone else to talk to – the only other person he really talks to is his mom.
** FYI, from everything I’ve said, it sounds like my BF is some kind of weird, unhealthy, watch-TV-all-day basement dweller type of guy, but he is not at all. He’s got a good job, he’s athletic, you would never in a million years know that he is like this behind closed doors.
Thank you for the suggestions. It’s a good reminder to treat him gently. It’s very tough for me to be gentle with him, because he really is SO unpleasant when he’s depressed. He doesn’t come off as this classic “depressed” person — sad or weak or in need of love and help…not at ALL. Instead, he comes off as grumpy, lazy, ice cold, unaffectionate and completely uninterested in me, quick to judge others and get annoyed with every little thing. I’m trying to learn that this is just his sensitivity and depression shining through.
I am trying, but it can really be tough sometimes to look around and see other people having fun with their partner/spouse. I am so accustomed to his moods. It’s rough on the other person. It’s hard to not get resentful. He is worth it though.
I appreciate you sharing your point of view, being the depressed one in the relationship. I think, for me, the main sentiment I always have for my guy is — as long as he is trying, I will be here for him. I understand that depression is real, and that it deeply affects a person physically and emotionally, but you still have to TRY. When they stop trying, then you can’t help them. It’s the difference between helping someone limp along -or- dragging a body, pure dead-weight.
This is the issue he and I deal with. He gets to a point where he can’ see past his own nose, and it really breeds resentment… it feels like there is no space for me in this. I understand he needs my help, but so often my needs/wants are put on the back-burner. I feel like the forgotten person in this relationship. Or, when it’s really bad, he just gives up, just completely. That’s when it’s TV, bad food, no exercise, no contact with others, calling into work…etc.
I do believe it’s very worth it when you’re with the right person. You are so right: baby steps.
I hope you are feeling better also. I know depression is a never-ending struggle, but if you are making an effort and taking baby steps, you are on the right track. For my guy, Vitamin D-3 has been a huge help in the non-sunny months when we get so deficient in Vitamin D. And exercise is HUGE for his mood and anxiety… when he’s exercising daily, he is NOT DEPRESSED. I highly recommend both.
My ex was diagnosed with depression and I went through with pretty much every relationship trap listed in this article. I had no idea what I got myself into as I never had exposure to anyone with depression before. You’d think since the depressives know this, they would have bothered to tell you what’s coming. Life’s too short for dealing with this, run!!
I’m hoping someone who is depressed or with someone depressed can offer input…. I have been with someone for many years, he goes through 2-week to month-long “dark” phases. During this time, he isolates, watches TV non-stop, stops eating right or exercising, stops communicating and caring, etc.
So… one of the things I’ve started doing when he completely stops talking to me is to remove the power cords from the TVs. I know it sounds bad, but I am tired of being ignored. I feel that TV is enabling him to escape from life and is doing him no good. He can watch up to 10 hours a day which is extremely unhealthy – especially for someone who is depressed–and I feel that it’s my duty to intervene.
Just wondering if anyone thinks this is overboard or if it’s acceptable. I just want to snap him back into reality and I feel like his “drug” is TV.
Sorry – meant to post this to the general board.
hi all my wife and I got married this past October. wedding was great aND now back to real life. I unfortunately right before we got married was told that I would be moving to a new position a delivery the company I was in was being sold. my new position is for more money and alot more potential for additional money. after getting back from the honeymoon all the wedding bills came back aND pretty much all of the money we got from the wedding and the savings were used. afterms that my wife has gone into a severe depression blaming me for all and that she feels we are stuck where we are a delivery never going to have anything and that we will be poor. there is no rationalizing with her that better things are to come. she is becoming very angry and sometimesee violent because of it. she has called her parents nunerous times involving themy which has made me feel horrible. I love her with all my heart aND she is such a great person I’m not sure what to do. she has battled depression in the past aND is angry with me that she is going through it now because of me.
she won’t go talk to anyoneach. she feels once money is coming in that she will be ok.
any insight or help what to do would be greatly appreciated!
thanks
Don’t have kids with this woman until you’re absolutely sure that this isn’t going to be a recurring theme. Imagine having to deal constantly with these problems and having to figure out how to shield your children from it as well.
Hi Anthony,
I hope you ignore the other comment left below as it is a cruel perspective to have of someone that you love. Depression and anxiety can be very difficult to live with and sometimes almost impossible to control but your wife is still the same person you fell in love with and it is not her fault that she is ill or afflicted with depression. I myself have depression. Instability, especially in finance as well as many other stressful situations such as moving house and bad jobs have triggered my illness in the past. Hopefully she will begin to feel better once there is more security and routine with your finances. Another thing that can be very difficult is around the time of mentruation these feelings or outbursts can be completely impossible to control due to hormonal imbalances, it can exasperate any ossues that were there before. These outburst can leave me feeling extremely vunerable and defensive as it often will cause frustration in my partner and leave me feeling worthless and didsapointed in myself and scared that my partner will leave me. The best thing you can do for your partner is to remain calm, try and understand her point of view (don’t tell her she’s being irrational or crazy) , reassure her, tell her it will be fine, find a solution to the issue if possible, hold her, tell her you love her. The worst thing possible is to get angry at her and yell or isolate her. People who have low mood and anxiety can need constant reassurance and love to feel secure and stable. If things get really bad for a long period of time counselling can be a great solution. Just her talking to someone or you noth talking to someo e together can help sort through lots of emotions. I wish you the best of luck and a long happy life with your partner.
Hello Anthony and hello Rose. Rose, I’m glad you have sought help for your difficulties. Your partner is lucky to have someone who is open to examining their own depression, willing to put in the effort to understand its triggers and work on what is undeniably a tough situation. I commend you. Many are not so lucky to be so self aware, and I wish you both the very best together.
This brings me to Anthony’s message. Unfortunately, reading the body of it I see that his wife is:
a) very angry and sometimes violent, and;
b) Not willing to talk to anyone (I’m assuming that also includes her denying therapy).
To love someone is a major emotional commitment for any person. Loving someone who has to deal with ongoing depression, even more so. Further still, loving someone who is dealing with depression, who is abusive toward you, and who is not willing to seek help is a desperate situation to have to live in. I know this very well, as this was my reality for well over a decade.
Rose, I know that you are giving your best advice to Anthony, and I believe that your advice would work well for someone who was willing to put in the work and self-examination that you are putting into your relationship. However, I must disagree that remaining calm and seeing the other person’s point of view will fix anything in a situation where the other person is not willing to put in the same work. Specifically, I believe that although it is not her fault that she has depression, it is a very dangerous trap for Anthony to cling to that while he is being subjected to what sounds like ongoing emotional and physical abuse. Anthony, while it is true that her depression is likely what is causing her behaviour, this does not excuse it. You should remain aware that if you are ending up the target of her bad feelings, her depression is not your fault either. And if she isn’t willing to seek treatment or help, you should examine what options you may need to take in order to protect your own mental health. Google patterns of domestic and/or emotional abuse and see if they apply to you. Try to see if your wife will be willing to put in the kind of work that Rose alludes she has done. If so, you may have a shot of being able to grow through this together. If not, you should seek therapy on your own to determine what your best options are. Unfortunately, trying to “cure” a depressed person through love and understanding when they aren’t reciprocating is a one-way ticket to your own mental illness. And seriously – don’t consider kids as a ‘fix’ to this without sorting the other stuff out. That will just lock you further into a negative pattern that you may never get out of.
My best to you both.
Oh, and just to clarify, I do not condone getting upset or yelling at your partner as an alternative to remaining calm. However, if you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling a “fight or flight” response, i.e, severe anxiety as a result of an ongoing pattern of negative behaviour that’s being directed at you, leaving the situation is always a preferable alternative to responding in kind. Don’t feel that you must stay and just silently take the other person’s abuse without responding. It doesn’t help the other person and it just drags your own mental state down another notch.
Mike, you are 100% about a partner’s depression dragging down your own mental state. My husband has had the behaviors on the list to a tee for the past 2 years. After 25 years of marriage it’s hard to think of life without him, but if this doesn’t start to improve, I’m realizing that I need to save myself. We do have kids and I’m realizing the impact it’s had on them. It scares me to think what an example I’m setting for them by taking all this emotional and verbal abuse and not doing anything about it. My husband was a wonderful man, but I feel like there is a stranger inside now. Once in a great while I’ll get a few hours or sometimes a whole day with the loving man I’ve known for decades, but 99% of the time I have to deal with this cruel, jealous, bitter person. It’s exhausting and I’m always needing to tiptoe around and be afraid to say anything, so to not set him off, because there is no knowing what can set him off. It really sucks on both sides.
Mike, so glad I came across your post which sums up my situation so well.
I have been feeling incredibly guilty and confused about ending things with the man I loved.
His behaviour has provoked the fear or flight response in me and I have berated my self for acting in anger and instinctively even though I know that it was in all fairness the right thing to do for me. To walk away for my own health.
It is evident that he has suffered with episodes of depression throughout his life. Its like being in a relationship with two people.
There is the loving , affectionate, funny charming man that I have shared great times and memories with, then the withdrawn, uncaring, selfish, disinterested and detached person that cant or wont communicate and pushes me away.
This is a negative cycle. For almost 2 years. Periods of happiness and fulfilment and then I am blindsided. He disappears, withdraws, cuts me off and on a couple of occasions has disappeared completely for weeks/months. Yesterday he loved me and we were making plans. Today he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship or can do a relationship and pushes me away 🙁
Ordinarily I am a confident and secure person but this has made me anxious and vulnerable. I am in constant fear of losing the man I love. I feel rejected, unwanted and have lost confidence in a relationship that has been and no doubt always will be clouded with uncertainty.
He knows he does it.We have discussed it. He has done it in previous relationships but he doesn’t do enough to manage it. Instead he seems to settle. This is how he is, its almost like sabotage or self harm. I am apparently better off without him. He doesn’t fight for the relationship, its all going to end in failure anyway, this is what happens to him after all. This pains me because I see the good in him. He seems to just give up.
I have tried so hard to support him but this has been detrimental to my own well bring because I began to walk on egg shells , to avoid conflict and to always put his needs before mine in fear that he could not cope or that he would disappear again.
I know he has low moods so I always look out for him. I put him first but no one is putting me first and now this has effected my own mental health.
I would also add here that its hard not to take it personally. When someone acts this way its easy to interpret as simply selfish , uncaring, effortless or non committal. Is this depression or am I wasting my time with someone who just doesn’t care enough?
Its confusing. But this is what the partner goes through
So a few weeks ago, his mood appeared to dip. This was for no apparent reason although I think with hindsight the signs were there. Started to isolate himself, spend less time with me, become distant, less affectionate , non communicative and then disappeared for a few days. Didn’t respond to my calls or messages. Finally when he did contact me, he sent me a text to say that he was sorry but that he needed some time out , to decide what he wanted, to straighten his thoughts, to think about things, to have time on his own. Same pattern.
This time I said no more. I wanted him out of my life. I was angry and tired.
I have not heard from him since.
I love him. I am heartbroken, I feel bad but I cant do this every few months.
I have doubted myself, my decision, my reasoning etc. Its exhausting.
But I suppose that someone has to look after me now ;(
I’m very sorry to hear this, Sarah. I was heartbroken as well when I finally ended things. There are no winners in a situation like this. You will doubt yourself in many ways. But if my own experience is any gauge, after you have spent some time away from the constant pressure, you will begin to remember what it’s like to breathe without holding every other breath in fearful anticipation of what might be directed your way. You might find that, even though you love him, you realize that life without him is the only reasonable way to move forward, devastating though it may be.
I wish you the best. I also wish your husband the best. I am almost 4 years past my breakup. Looking back, it has been a slow but sure road to my own recovery, and my decision was also ultimately positive for both my ex-wife and myself.
Same boat. Thanks for sharing. My boyfriend and I broke up today after over a year together with these same cycles. I’ve been going crazy trying to solve and save us and him. I deserve someone who can be a full invested partner and he has admitted he is not able to be that. I think due to his serious depressive episodes he is having, but that doesn’t really matter I guess, the why. I too think its time to look to the future and to welcome in new true love that isn’t so painful or lonely.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry. My husband stresses about money and always wants bigger and better which in turn stresses me out and makes me anxious. I wish he would just realize we’re still newlyweds and not everyone is going to be bankin’ their first few years together. Its about building the nest together and going along for the ride in my eyes. I’m so sorry for the blame she’s putting on you when you sound loving and like you’re doing your best. I’ve never heard of depression involving so much anger, its usually more apathy and isolation…could it be more bipolar? I’m sorry she doesn’t want to get help, please don’t blame yourself. I don’t think mental illness just magically goes away with acquiring more money. Sure stress is caused by not being able to pay your bills but if she thinks shes going to magically snap out of it by the time you’re doing better financially that sounds a little delusional. If you have to endure years of this, you’re likely to become depressed yourself or at the very least have resentment toward her for what she is going through. Can you talk to a therapist so at least you’re able to get coping mechanisms? Or can you discuss this with her parents to see if they can talk to her and get help? Its a bit immature to call her parents to involve them in your financial business and marriage when you’re doing your best. I’m not trying to dog on her, I know mental illness is NOT a choice but she’s choosing to remain the same instead of working on her issues for your sake. In the end, the way she is treating you because of money is wrong….and just causing you more grief. In marriage you either win together or lose together because you’re a team. There are worse things in the world than being poor for a few years. Do you have anything you can sell? Sorry if this wasn’t helpful, my heart hurts for you! I hope things get better.
I was just told by my husband that he is tired of me. Am miserable, tired, rude and have no filter. We haven’t had sex in 4 months. He says he thinks I am disgusted by him and that his friends ask him why be with me if am so miserable. I know am not the easiest person to get along with and I say it how it is but I admit I am depressed. This whole article is me and an even more scared and alone. He is willing to go to counseling after I told him I will go after our blow up because I see it is me and he says he wants to talk and say his side which I thought he did. We have young kids, am resentful of a lot and need help to let go but am scared and am making myself sick. Already lost 5 lbs but is it because I want to be free or because am scared to get divorced? I can’t seem to function or sleep or eat. Will Meds work?
I was with a wonderful, sweet guy for 8 months until last week. He suffers with depression. At first he said it was anxiety (that he takes his medication for) but turns out it’s depression. He told me from the beginning that he’s very affected by the people around him and their emotional states dictate his. I could see he probably suffered with depression as he lives in a basement apartment with no natural light, smokes in his bedroom (add in to that an habitual weed addiction) and slept until 1pm each day (he was a late night server until three weeks ago) but he was so happy and in love since we met (we were each others longest relationships, and he often said he was scared of losing me and that he’s never been this far). One thing that was a massive elephant in the room was the fact we only had sex twice. He has intimacy issues and anxiety resulting in his being ashamed of his performance. I tried to assure him it would just get better if we kept trying. He wouldn’t try though and resulted in my crying in front of him three weeks ago and saying some things about the lack of sex I really could have kept to myself.
We had an amazing summer but about a month ago he lost some shifts at work, his uncle died, he was so tired with an extra job he took on and of course he wouldn’t stop smoking or drinking. Then last week, after a week of an alarming lack of contact than usual (we spoke every day and had constant supportive and loving things to say to each other) he finished with me. He said he had come as far as he could and wasn’t going to be able to give me the things I needed (sex, and I’m assuming he meant kids and marriage – which if he’d have asked me, aren’t as important as being in love with a wonderful human like him). He knew he would have to work on himself to get better but this was something he doesn’t have the strength to do, as hard work results in disappointment as I would just leave him anyway as he’s not worthy and has fear of abandonment. His mother died when he was young and he places a lot of his sadness on that moment.
Do these guys ever get better and come back? He said I was the love of his life!
I know how it feels, my childhood was a mess too..my mother suffered from cancer for many years and i spent nearly all my childhood in hospitals..she died when i was 16 17 guess and idk maybe that was the reason i am who i am today depressed,lonely and overly matured..i am contantly afraid that i will lose everyone close to me or they’ll leave me. I had been with this girl who left me for some guy and that kinda triggered more depression in me..i work hard, taking care of my father,doing engineering (electrical) trying to do anything to try to cope up with it but idk why things never been good..now i am even scared of talking to girls or asking them out because deep down i know they will leave me..i dont drink,smoke or do anything..i try to change my life but…idk what should i do, being in such a country like india where no female wanna be with a depressed guy where they want action fun romance in relationship while i am not capable of providing them with but loyalty and insecurity. I wish i wasnt born in this world, i try to act as i am okay and talk casually with people to fit in or else they will simply ignore me (like they do in past).
And to really answer your question : i dont know maybe not, sometimes i feel like we are born like this maybe we dont deserve happiness but someone told me once that a man is not suppose to look for happiness and put his expectations high..but should have the courage to face it.
This is absolutely correct!
I have endured a depressed partner for 5 years while I was working alone on the relationship. I did what I could to help and, in the end, I was “dumped” (in a matter of hours with no previous warning).
I was already very unhappy but kept helping this person in hopes of being happier in the future, while I was doing this, this selfish person (in particular) was devising a plan to “escape” all responsibility while being “accommodated” in the relationship.
She was not only wasting my time and deceiving me, but she was deceiving herself, above all.
In short, if you are dating and investing in a depressed person who isn’t willing to get better and also give YOU what you need, the sooner you leave the better!
Just don’t do it to yourself, especially for someone who doesn’t prove deserving.
Care for yourself and demand that the one you are spending your life with cares for you as well.
I promise your life will be much better once you acknowledge this. (which is easier said than done).
The one who took too long to acknowledge it.
This sounds a bit like my life I recently was in a relationship, he left me a week ago. We were in a relationship for four years and each year it was the same pattern he would waste six months out of the year in trying to get back with me and succeeded each time.within the six months he knew what he wanted he knew he wanted a future with me and we planned things out from getting married to buying a house to getting cars but when he came down to it we never did those things because out of nowhere I always felt as if he was trying to be with someone else or just cop out because he didn’t know what he wanted ( mind you these are my thoughts as I’m going through this ). And each year within the six months out of nowhere he didn’t know what he wanted and that he needed to seek God. And that’s when he would get his things and leave. He would disappear without hearing from him at all for 3 1/2 months and out of nowhere I start getting calls or Texts even trying to communicate with me through social media to try to get my attention and to rekindle our relationship. Well this year we tried again going on five months and just last week out of nowhere he wanted to get up and go as well again . He also was planning to escape the relationship while being accommodated in the relationship, being deceiving trying to find apartment before he left the relationship making sure his tracks were covered , I also believe that he had sent three letters on a different occasion to himself saying things like she is not the one for you leave her she is not your queen open your eyes she’s not who you think she is. Deep down inside I believe those three letters were made up by him just because of certain evidence that I saw. At the same time I can’t believe that a depressed person can do that type of thing, mind you I don’t know the illness very well only what I’ve read through social media and a book called depression fall out . All in all the more he kept saying he was depressed and just thoughts were coming in and out of his mind ,of course not explaining what kind of thoughts and me not knowing what depression truly is I started reading into it. He has all the signs of depression every single one of them and I came to realize this man was never doing me wrong but that he has an illness that I never understood and he never spoke to me about. Within these past five months 3 1/2 of them were amazing he was himself on the fourth month I started noticing change and kept my composure on not saying things nor nitpicking at anything that I saw that was wrong doing in my eyes. When he would snap at me I really thought that I was saying something wrong or doing something wrong and he did that throughout our whole entire relationship with The four years so I totally thought he was right and would go to the next room and pray a bit and came back to the same room as he was in and speak to him as if he never said anything wrong to me. In our last month of our five months which was a week ago I started reading into depression and realized he was healed yet again when I realize this I started talking positive to him telling him I would be there for him that what was going on and why the bad thoughts and that we should seek help for him. I never mentioned to him that I knew he had an illness because honestly I still wasn’t sure myself. After all this when he decided to get up and get his things AGAIN and leave my life a week ago it was my chance to find me express myself on how I saw him. I told him that he has a serious depression illness and that he needed to seek help and get on meds as I’m telling him this he looked Nam he looked as if he wanted to cry but no tears came out he stood there and listened but it looked as if my words were going one ear and out the other. Indian and before he walked out we gave each other a hug and it wasn’t a hug to where I will miss you or not even a friendly hug the hug was a cold hug. I know he loves me very much and I can feel it and see it as well that he doesn’t want to leave me but that something else is making him Leave .
Thank you for writing your story it helped
This is an amazing article and absolutely rings true. I suffered with long term post-partum depression after the birth of my second child, which lasted 1-2 years before I figured out what my problem was and I am a nurse! I was ashamed and embarrassed, but finally admitted that I needed help. Unfortunately, my marriage suffered irreparable damage during that time. I believe that my spouse became depressed over time as well and our relationship suffered and died a slow painful death full of painful and hurtful consequences that could have been avoided. I hope this article helps those suffering. Please realize there are differences in depression between men and women. Please realize that if you are concerned about depression in a significant person in your life that you sit down in a quite private setting and have a truly heartfelt meaningful conversation about the issue and be knowledgeable about the signs and symptoms and what help is available. I wish the best to anyone reading this article and the comments.
I have fallen into these same traps. Problem is that in the past ive never been a depressed person. My marriage is depressing me. Ive been with my husband for 20 years and for at least a decade of it he’s isolated himself. No friends no hobbies no interest in spending time with me. No friendship. Ive lived like a single mom of 3 living my own life without him because he refuses to engage. Ive felt abandoned emotionally, and physically. We’ve slept in different room for 3 years. Prior to that if wed have sex he’d take care of himself and leace me and i’d cry myself to sleep. Its chipped at me slowly. I de ided to ask for separation and hes threatened to take tge kids from me and jamb up his job and make me pay child support. Ive worked 80-100 hr work weeks wearing myself down and the burden of not being around the kids has me depressed. He wont pock up the slack. He refuses counciling, spends like crazy on idk what. Takes cash withdrawals. Anyway, lits more but basically ive tried to work on our relationship for years and hes never taken me seriously. Ive become depressed, angry and i lash out. I say nasty things i would never previously say. Im just so hurt. In this case the depression didnt come first. It csme after years of our relationship breaking me down and i could no longer cope. I feel trapped. I know if we amicably split my depression would heal. Nothing else in my life depresses me. he never cared and he never will and im stuck and afraid for myself.
You can do it, just save yourself, live is short, show your kids what a strong person you are… Give them good exsmple what a strong person is… Hugs!!
Hi I’m kind of at a loss here and would appreciate some advice I was in a short relationship with my daughters father the domestic violence was horrific emotionally and physically he left me feeling worthless to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed felt I had nothing to live for I had to take anti depressants it was awful a yr later a very attractive guy who was 6yrs younger than me pursued me until I give in I knew what he was about from the start and I knew he had a reputation and would end up breaking my heart but it was the right decision he brought my back from the hell told me I was beautiful I felt alive again he was proud to walk down the rd holding hands with me I couldn’t believe how lucky I was we were together 2 yrs he did cheat and my first instincts were right I’m over him I don’t care that he left for someone else I’ll always love him for what he did for me my confidence shines though I’m happy I feel attractive I get asked out and a lot of looks from men I enjoy my children and spending time with friends and life isn’t always great but for a long time I’m happy anyway I’ve been single for around a ur now I wasn’t looking to meet anyone I got talking to a guy online whose 8 yrs older than me he’s 44 I’m 36 I was more curious than anything I’ve never been out with an older man so we got together it’s just been over a month now we haven’t rushed anything I stay at his he stays at mine we talk everyday it’s nice like I said I’ve only known him a short while so I don’t know him properly the last couple of weeks he’s been snappy for no reason sending me horrible texts just basically disrespecting me for no reason it’s confusing I told him after everything I’ve been through I won’t b treated that way he’s apologised every time but it happens again he finally told me that he’s losing his home due to financial problems he’s just really stressed I can understand that and I’ve offered to help him in anyway I can but he is still taking his problems out on me I finished with him four days ago I am really not sure whether he’s stressed depressed an abuser even a secret narcissistic!!! Because of my past experiences I turnt my back on him straight away I cannot allow myself to get close to someone like that again now I feel bad I never give him the chance I abandoned him I deleted his no and that was that and I’m not making excuses for him swearing and calling me names I used to make every excuse under the sun for my ex and this is not the same maybe I could of just hung around a few more weeks through his bad times I’m feeling really guilty and worrying about him but if he’s not depressed and lashing out because I’m the closest person to him and I go to him and he’s another person like my ex I’m just putting myself through all that pain again I’m really agonising over this any opinions I’d b really grateful for thanks x
I been married for 7 years, in that time I encouraged my wife to study, she had no money and I paid for her to get a degree..mainly because I wanted her to pursue her dreams. In that time she was studying wd fell pregnant – she told me she did not know how ovulation works..i was besides myself as I had just quit my job to start a business and she was in her first year of home study! I told her we should have an abortion because we not ready however I agreed to have children. 5 years later we are happy but have noticed a pattern our relationship. We hardly fight – the only time we fight is when I “slip” up and express my frustration eg: I was trying to find the plug to wash dishes, she had moved it and I asked to please just keep it in a visible place. Her reaction was that moody (I don’t often complain but felt I was bow being punished)
We ended up having a big fight in front of our 4 year old – basically blaming me for not falling pregnant again as our first child I wanted an abortion (even though I admit I over reacted at the time). She tried to walk away from me and I told her we need to talk. She pushed me and I pushed her into bed and held her down telling her to calm down, I was angry as I could not communicate with her. Our son saw this he was crying and Ed proceeded to have a screaming match.
I feel like I can’t challenge her and tip toe around her and be on good behavior. If I get a bit frustrated with something I have to be very careful how I come across.
I feel suicidal, she tells me she is depressed but wd now had a huge fight in front our child. It only just happened a couple hours ago..they sleeping in sons room now and I am afraid that our child is going to be traumatized.
I don’t fee like going to church anymore with her , we helped at Sunday school. I help around the house, wash dishes, clean..i dont think I am selfish. I feel like I have tried to be a supportive person and a good husband father but I don’t feel I can be open and honest and be human in front of her. I don’t expect her to be perfect..but I feel she expects me to be perfect.
We just bought a house in both our names with a mortgage of 25 years. We waiting for it be finalized and I am afraid to spend the rest I my life with her.
We had a huge fight just before we fell pregnant 5 years ago. I was going to divorce her then as it was the same situation. When we discovered we were pregnant I decided to do my best and do the “right” thing and stay. I feel like she planned the pregnancy as she told me that she is ugly and was a plan to trap me in marriage. I could be wrong but what girl does not know about her ovulation cycle? Could it be that she did not know about it or am I naive?
Do I continue with this marriage, go through with transfer and buy house? If we divorced it means we eill be separated and i’d have my son to grow up in a divorced family.
I am feeling suicidal now as I am a failure. I don’t drink or smoke and tried my best to be supportive in every way. What is the solution. Please help me. I am all alone and I am considering jumping off a build?g on Monday. I had a work associate whole killed himself a couple years ago due to depression.. he jumped off a building and I know how to get to the roof. I am not depressed I just feel hopeless in this relationship. I can’t bear facing the fact that our marriage has failed. I told my son to never be like me. He was crying in my arms and we just hugged. I am sad.
Hey man I’m sorry and feel for you . I feel the same way you do , i am in a relationship, I saved this girl from her abuse and she is wonderful but fuck my depression is killing me. I was in the army, I grew up in a shit hole for emotional support. Shooters heroin at 16 so I can feel loved or angry some type of emotion. I don’t know what to do but don’t kill yourself . Please email me or something. I don’t know y you hit me so hard but you did.
Thanks for your response..
I had a major fight with my wife last week..I saw that article online and it resonated with me..my wife has agreed to go to counseling which I hope will help..I felt like killing myself last week as it was really hard for me to deal with her. We have a son and I’d hate to have him grow up in a divorced home..which is not always a bad thing but having a mom and dad around would be better. Things are better now but I fear that we will have this type of argument again in the future. I hope you are doing ok? Its really hard to communicate with my wife without her getting moody. Life is tough but I feel a lot better now after giving her space..I think its important to have as much support from as many people as possible.
I hope you are still with us. I am the one who is horribly depressed causing all the problems and nitpicking every move he makes. This spoke to me. Our 3 year old (unplanned, but greatly loved) is starting to understand more and more. Please tell me you guys are doing better. Divorce is better than suicide. Going between parents will be better for him than only having a (possibly) depressed mother with a father who killed himself. I know this even in my state. I realize this is a few months old, but I hope you respond. I want to get better and not affect my husband the way your wife’s behavior has eaten at you. I pick him apart because I know that I am the weaker link. I don’t know why, maybe so he will leave me because he deserves better? That is what your wife was doing, you aren’t awful or undeserving of love. It breaks my heart that you told your son to not be like you! Your son should be like you, you have clearly been trying desperately to do what is best for everyone. You are his idol, I guarantee. I pray yall are getting better and nothing sudden has happened. I have literally never commented on something like this but for some reason, this article and comment spoke to me.
HeyJames. I hope you didn’t jump. Your son wouldn’t want that. You know what else kids don’t like? Being in a house where the tension is so heavy you could cut it with a knife. Divorce sucks, and yes, it does take a toll on everyone involved, but being several years away from it (I felt depressed and if not suicidal, I was wondering about it), I can tell you that the freedom from that misery was better for my kids than staying in it and trying to make like everything was OK. Kids are smart – they can intuit that there’s something wrong even when they don’t know all the facts. Failed marriages happen, and it makes you feel like crap, but if you hang in there for long enough, you start feeling like yourself again. If you go that route, don’t think of it as failure – think of it as a new beginning for your son. Oh, and make sure you can get shared custody.
I didnt jump but have been comtemplating it..I really want our marriage to work and my wife has so many issues. She is going for help lets hope and pray that it gets better. God life is hard. I appreciate your response.
James. I know how you feel. God life is hard. I have thought of suicide also but will not do it. I know it’s a trick of the devil. I’m so glad your wife is going to counseling. My husband and i are struggling too but we are committed to making it work. I’ve hung in so long through so much nonsense, i wad the strong one. Was… now I’m just barely hanging on, but God always does something to strengthen me. Hsmg in there
Don’t give up. The Lord is real and he hears the cries of his people.
James we are all with you buddy..if you feel like you can talk to us. Much love bro, life is hard but we are harder.
Hello,
First of all i want to say im so glad I found this page with everybody stories, i can relate to them so much!!
I have just recently just broke up with my girlfriend who i was with for almost a year. I am 22 years old and my ex is 19 years old. We met in college and instantly I fell in love. Early on in the relationship she kept telling me i would get bored of her and i would leave. She told me that she had secrets that i could never find out! Obviously i was very curious what the secret was because i really cared for her. After time of me questioning her she opened up slightly and told me she suffered from depression & anxiety but that was all i got. I didnt’t quite understand the extent of how bad it was until further into the relationship…
It was only until about 3 months into the relationship that i found out she had been self harming. Every time we got close to making love she would stop me from doing anything to her, any time i got close she would freak out and stop me. This caused a few arguments over time but i just accepted that she wasent ready for sex. One time i was rubbing her leg and i felt some scabs right in her inner thigh, she was so comfortable she didnt realise i was feeling them. Instantly it came into my mind that she had been self harming. I was shocked but not 100 per cent sure it was so i didnt say anything to her then. After she left it was constantly on my mind, wether i was overthinking or it was actually true. After a few days passed i couldn’t take it, i had to confront her and ask because it was eating me up. I confronted her and she admitted she had been cutting herself. I literally begged her to promise me she wouldn’t do it again but she wouldnt agree but she did agree if i asked in the future she would be honest if she had or not. I asked if her parents knew, she said that years ago it was alot worse and this was the first time she done it in months. Her parents were aware in the past and got her counciling but they thought as she got older that she stopped doing it. This left me in an awkward position because i was the only person who knew she been hurting herself, i felt so sad that she feels the need to do this instead of just opening up and talking with someone. In a way i sympthasized with her but i couldn’t quite understand it.
She blamed alot of her depression on her ex who she had been with for five years who had cheated on her and kept it hidden and it was only until the end of her relationship she found it all out. After meeting me she said that i saved her because before i came along she was in a deep, dark place. She thought that she would always be alone and nobody would stay with her because of her mental illness. I kept promising her that i would always be there for her no matter what.
Six months in we finally had sex for the first time and it was great. We were closer than ever, she let her barriers down and she told me stories in her past that she hasnt told anyone, not even her parents. It felt so good knowing that i was bringing happiness into her life and that she could trust me and that we could talk. She did have her bad days but i told her to tell me so i was aware to give her space. One day we went out on a day trip with a friend of mine and his girlfriend but she was having a bad day and it made it awkward. Whatever I said to try and cheer her up she would bite and shoot me down in flames. I tried multple times to try and lighten the mood by making jokes but there was nothing. We ended up arguing seriously for the first time but after a few hours when she came around we made up.
The summer term arrivied and a few weeks into it she got a job as a shop assistant and she passed her driving test. She started making new friends at work and she started pretty much working full time and most shifts were unsociable hours e’g 4pm until midnight! This started causing a strain on our relationship because communication started to distant, we used to talk every day but conversations started to get boring. It was the same questions almost every day, how was work? Was it busy? I fell very ill so we couldnt see each other for like a week because of her working and i didnt want her to catch it. Conversations started to become mininal and what we once had started to fade. I got better and started asking when is she free to come over and see me? She would tell me she was busy working and couldnt see me until monday (it was thursday we was having this conversation) Obviously i felt like she was distanting herself from me because she couldnt even make time to come see me during the day. Two weeks passed and it felt like i didnt even know her any more. It seemed like forced conversations and that i was begging for her time, her responses started to become blunter. I opened up and said it doesn’t even feel like were together any more and she kind of agreed. I suggested what should we do? And she said its only going to get worse. From that response I felt like she had given up on us after everything. So i said we have no choice but to be friends then. We promised we would stay friends forever. The first few days were suprisingly not too bad, I came to terms that she was busy and we agreed to meet up and talk when she was free to discuss where we was at.
Even though we was not together we were still talking every day and i thought we could rebuild our relationship. I kept asking what day can we meet up and she kept telling me she was busy with work and making excuses. I felt so hurt, I was thinking to myself why cant she come meet me face to face and talk it through to try and make it work again but she wouldnt. After a few times i got frustrated and asked how the hell can you be so cold with me after everything we have been through. All i would get is blunt answers, she told me the best option is to move on and that she doesnt need anyone to be there for her and she can deal with her problems alone. I started getting paranoid and asked if she met someone else but she sworn that she hasnt and im overthinking everything, she just said its wrong timing for us. She also said that she would end up fucking it up even more so its best for me to move on. After being so close and open she has now closed all her barriers with me and treats me like a nobody, i always feel myself trying to create conversation with her to show i still care. I told her i love her and im always here but she is replies with a sad face emoji or stop it because its making it harder:/ I asked if she still has feelings for me and she replied with im not that heartless. Its only now after almost two weeks of not being together ive decided to stop messaging her every day because the conversations seem so forced with her being in a depressive state. Days go by and we have a brief conversation asking about her day and what shes been up to but thats it. Ive gave up asking her when can we meet up and talk about everything. She keeps telling me that she will when shes not busy. All i can do is wait and hopefully one day soon she will message me and be ready to talk but i can’t see that happening as days go by without us talking. I really hope it can happen sooner rather than later so i can get some answers on why she has given up on us after we were so close. It feels like she is dragging it out until we meet so shes completley over me and i can give her stuff back without having the heart felt conversation. I might be overthinking everything, she did say i was overthinking the whole situation so who knows. I guess time will tell but for now im trying to stay strong! I really hope we can rebuild our relationship…
It sounds like maybe she is self harming again so badly she cannot admit it to you and cannot see you because you would know! I’m so sorry! I do have to say it takes one hell of a man to care like you do and not just throw your hands up and walk away. Perhaps you should attempt to contact her parents and share your concerns. It sounds like she is isolating herself from someone who knows her troubles because she can’t stop. I hope things have gotten better as this is a few months old. Update?
Three months went by and still no effort from her side to meet and talk. We were on LC on good terms. I seen on snapchat she was going out drinking which she never done that often when we were together. I felt like she was trying to hard to prove she can live without me because she hardly snapchats but soon as Saturday comes she posts loads pics/videos being around different boys. She knows I will see them because we spoke every single day on snapchat when we were together. I didn’t react the first few times but then after seeing it a few times I reacted by going to her house and taking her belongings back and left them by her front door. I also deleted her off snapchat to help me move on because seeing her stories would make me feel like shit. Her words and actions contradicted each other. Knowing behold after I done that she text me pretty much begging to meet and talk and asked why my attitude had changed so much. (She even said you wanted to meet for ages why have you changed your mind?). I don’t want to wait around for someone who doesn’t treat me with respect. Its been a month now with strict no contact and I don’t plan on contacting her because I’m spending my time rebuilding myself and to heal fully. Im sure she will contact me in the future because I think she is going through G.I.G.S as she is only young. Going out getting drunk with her new work mates will get old and in time she will realise how much I actually cared for her well being.
Yay for you! I was going to say she is posting that stuff because she knows you will see it and it’ll will hurt you. Next I was going to say DELETE HER! STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!!! So you took my advice before I could offer it! lol. You’re right; don’t wait around and be her puppet, her convenience, a part of her game. I’m really happy you are moving on. You deserve someone who treats you with the same respect you give and you will find that girl! Stay strong internet stranger!! 🙂 Going out will get old, when she realizes people are all using her, just party friends, etc…and she will probably realize what she had. But, she has treated you pretty damn awful so please stay strong. This is on her now, you need to take care of YOU!
My wife of 16 years is diagnosed with anxiety and depression , reading this article hit the nail right on the head on how she is towards me. My relationship with her has been and up and down rollercoaster , when she is up she is happy and at ease she is the biggest sweetheart but when she is down she is very negative and blames me for a lot of things that she is at blame for also, she tends to put it all on me. I love her with all my heart , we have beautiful children together and I know I would be lost without her. But these last few weeks has been a little to rough on me from her depression that I’m not sure whether if this is real or just her depression?, she has been distant from me and bringing up negative things in the past and pretty much putting me down saying thimgs like I’m not a provider when I work 60 hours a week, she quit jobs left and right and blamed her anxiety but now that finances are tight she is attacking me. Her doctor just recently changed her antidepressant so I wonder if that is the cause of it all.? Lately she has been saying she loves me just as a friend and not attracted towards me anymore. I am very hurt by this. Not sure what to do because I’m scared to lose her
Feel your pain. I loved mine too, and tried to help, be understanding, let things go that were hurtful and offensives of me.
However, after a terrible incident in front of our children, I thought this really is not right, and I moved out.
These people are just nuts and evil in their manor to the people who love and try to support them through it. I have not been able to find a cure.
Leaving was the best thing I did.
Six months later, mine is still nuts, but at least my children do not have to witness this dreadful behaviour, and I do not have to suffer it.
Life is short, you should enjoy it with the sane.
I have been in a depression for about 2 years. I searched for help about 6 months ago, and was diagnosed with MDD. Prior to the 2 years, I was OK. Then, I got married. My wife is wrong for me. She doesn’t cook, clean, work or do laundry. She doesn’t work or have the ambition to anything.. Except be on her phone all day,while I work. Then I come home and cook my own meals or I go to the store and eat there. We have a 2 year old…but even
before she was born she was like this. I believe… She IS the reason for my depression. I can’t financially make ends meet. We are about to be homeless. She and the baby are going to move in with her mom, while I live in my car. Her family has never accepted me and feels that I am the problem. They believe, I don’t make enough money which IS true.They believe I should have 3 jobs. They don’t believe she should work…I believe living in my car will be a blessing. I will have space…a little bit. I won’t be around her or the pigsty we live i n. I may get some peace of mind and it may help to alleviate my depression. Any thoughts or advice ?
Charlie I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. I’m on the other end of this. Married a long time and the stbxh walked out was having an affair became someone I don’t know.
But I learned a lot through this. I had to enter therapy because stbxh kept wanting to return, still tries after 3 years but continues his behavior.
It confused and scared me and I didn’t know what to do or how to move forward. I hope this will help you.
Before you can move forward and determine whether your wife is an issue please take this time to be on your own and get well. Go back to therapy. Only when you are well and have clear thoughts should you make any permanent decisions about your personal life.
This is what my therapist told me. Do not let stbxh come home until he is well and has worked on himself. And take that time to work on myself.
He has not done the work and still flounders about making himself miserable and pushing everyone away. I have done the work and although I very much hoped for our marriage to survive I have chosen to walk away. But I have no regrets because I learned about myself and did all I could to give this a chance.
I’m ok when I look in the mirror. I can accept my choices with no regrets. Please work towards getting back your emotional stability for yourself and no outside influences while you do it, I mean girlfriends, because that clouds everything. Just people you trust and a good therapist. And then you will eventually be able to work through the rest.
You can do this and I will be thinking the best for you.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a person who suffers from Depression, Anxiety and a mild form of OCD.
I have been through and experienced all of these issues and now we are finished (quite recently) my self esteem and self confidence has been totally destroyed and I am struggling to puck myself up.
I felt I could “fix” her and help her become confidant and full of life as I am but all that happened is that I feel down and totally worthless.
This has put a wedge between myself, family and friends who have been advising me to get out if the relationship for years.
I love her though and I wanted to help and keep her safe. I still do love her and she is still playing mind games with me now, we cannot be together but she keeps opening a door to me and then closing it very firmly 24, 48 hours later, it is like she is trying to punish me for things I haven’t done and having read this article I can really see why she is doing this to me.
I feel from the last 4 years I need to get help with my emotions as week by week my own mental health has been badly affected but no one thinks about the innocent parties in all this, everyone cares about the person with the Depression etc. I have come out of this relationship being the one at fault and I have heard what is being said about me from her friends partners and it is shocking what people can think and accuse you off when all you have done is try to help them and be there for them and improve their life, trying to inject laughs, fun times, happy thoughts, holidays etc………..
Will not be able to do this again with anyone
Will
I was in the same boat, for a much longer time. My advice is that if you don’t have kids with her, you need to consider cutting her off completely. It’s painful when you care about the other person, but you’re not going to help her by still being available, and you’re going to keep going through the same cycle when she feels a little better and then brings the hammer down on you soon after. Sad to say, but she’s going to have to go through a difficult realization that you are no longer available to her at all before you’re rid of that pain in your life. I’d also suggest you getting some therapy to help you leave this relationship behind. It helped me a lot in realizing that I have to move forward by myself.
Will.
I am in a similar situation albeit not getting blamed in a blatant way but in a far more subtle but no less hurtful way. I read a great but very simple quote in an article about how depression affects the other partner/ex partner. Essentially it said do not try and make sense of the depressed persons actions and thoughts because they simply do not make any sense!
It is extremely hard to do this some days but i am taking it each day at a time have ups and downs. You do have to be careful not to slip into a cycle yourself i have teetered on the brink a few times but i am just plain upset confused and not depressed. I am sure you can tell the difference too as you have seen how depression affects people like your lady first hand. I have had bad days where i self counsel on forums like this but i still feel joy in many areas of my life – getting sales in in work, sports teams i support winning games, music food and enjoying good news. If you feel no joy 7 days a week you need to see someone i reckon. I have been told i am the best thing to happen to her and her soul mate but also been accused of cheating regularly during this outbreak sometimes within the same week. I have been told by her specific other women who are a better fit who are more “my type” – funny thing is she is so wrong. I have been told to live my life take trips do things for me as she works on herself. I have taken a few holidays and she got very upset when i did. Its so bonkers its almost gone beyond upsetting to comical for me.
I am not a hot headed person at all but listening to some of her mad theories on me has me having regular count to 10 moments. It is almost a relief we are not living together and broken up during this outbreak as its been much worse than the previous ones we went through. Essentially she has convinced herself i do not love her to justify her pushing me and other close friends away. I can take her falling out of love with me it comes with the illness sadly but here doubting my integrity as a person angers me. I have done so much for the girl. Deep down she does know this but until the dark cloud clears she will still have lots of days where she blames me and distrusts my love.
I still love her and if she got better and wanted to give it another go my heart would jump at the chance but my head would need to stop and think if its the right thing to do. At least my girl is in counselling so things may become clearer for her in time there have been minor improvements the last month or so. We are still in touch as we lived together and are still managing break up admin (her decision). Its a mad time i am in touch with her sister regularly. My girl mentioned mid depression that we had problems but could not verablise what they were but also mentioned this is nothing to do with me or us.
No idea how this will pan out for me but it is nobodys fault. If reconciliation is to happen there has to be a crisis management plan as sadly most people can never fully shake this especially if it goes in the family. Do get out and do things yourself Will and dare i say meet a few other women even for a date or two. Build yourself back up and relearn what it feels like to have somebody show interest in you even if you do not want to pursue it. Severely depressed people simply do not have it in the locker to show love and compassion as they are too busy fighting their demons
Best of luck to you all on here!
Hello fellow human!
I would really appreciate advice with my situation. I am very confused on what to do, or better yet, how to help myself. I am very depressed, and I think the cause is my relationship. The past 3.5 years, I have supported us completely. Including emotional, romantically, financially, you name it, I’m your woman! I am very independent, super creative, full of passion, lover of life and enthusiastic. I feel like an incredibly capable person and have been very happy in my life…until he moved in. It’s been a downward spiral from there, 1.5 years now. He is a great, fun loving, carefree person, and basically almost everything I wanted from a partner. We have lots of fun together and I don’t want to break up at all. But I feel like he’s completely cut me off from myself. I have to take care of everything. Money, work, cleaning – majority of it, paying for everything; rent, bills, food, trips, going out…everything. Plus I have some financial issues that I’ve been working on as well – which are almost done! YES! But this amount of pressure constantly on me has seriously taken it’s toll. I am described in many of the statements above. It is so sad to me that I have become this sad, worn-out, insecure person, when I have been so incredibly happy, loved myself so much and felt like I had life by the balls, so to speak. We have talked too much about this now, and I’m exhausted and wish I could be myself again. But the thought of breaking up seems horrible, even though I fantasize about it all the time. Completely split in half. He just started to pay a little bit of rent, and pays for his phone, but it hardly seems fair. He doesn’t do anything extra romantically for me – surprises or takes me out. Nothing like that at all. And I’ve expressed many times that I need way more space, actual space, as in don’t talk or disturb me, but he does. Always. I am an artist and have a shop and actually need alone time to create, concentrate and conceptualize. The second he leaves for tour – he’s a musician, I immediately get ridiculous amounts of work done because I can actually think undisturbed. I feel trapped, completely lash out with terrible anger and frustration, and such a deep sadness that I can hardly breath. I have insane jealously. I’ve never experienced it like this before. It’s fucking terrible. I basically feel like my entire world is falling apart. His neediness and inability to contribute to us, or me, is devastating and breaking me. I am a very strong person, but I’ve become a door mate. I know fully that my depression is making this way worse then it should be. I am so confused. Help!
And thank you for reading.
Blimey! It’s very good to hear that someone with the above current defects can admit they have them. I reckon the difference is you are female (Switched on and sensible) as opposed to my ex other half who cannot see he has a problem, and just blames everyone else.
As for advise I would firstly go to the doctors, tell them your behaviour above, and I expect they will give you pills. If lucky you may be offered help with groups, talking therapy etc.
I would then question is your current perception real, or have you built up this great bloke to be lazy, tight, useless etc?
Personally I would go to docs together, so he has an understanding of your current state. Maybe show him the above article and see what he thinks?
Then dependant on how all that goes, he either sticks with you, he leaves because of your current behaviour, or your throw him out as you think he is useless?
From your story, I would say that you were both happy people together, you got depression, you did the things written above, your view of him has changed, even though he probably hasn’t changed at all, and he is now suffering your abuse. Luckily, you realise you have a problem. Hopefully you will seek NHS help and you can save your relationship.
In my case, the husband with depression will not admit he has a problem, and cannot see all the hateful things he has done to the person that loved him deeply.
Good luck to you and your future ????
It sounds to me like he is using you. He can do whatever he wants and you’ve accepted that behavior for far too long. It isn’t your fault, because you did it out of love for him. Not respecting your space and work is also disrespectful and abusive if he is leaving you to do everything. If he isn’t contributing financially, he should be doing the housework at least! I say this because I was in the almost exact relationship. I was never the jealous girl, but he found ways to make me insane. I worked so much and he took complete advantage of me, but we did have so much fun together and loved each other. I finally had enough when I found out what he was doing when he would be out of town. You sound like a strong capable woman who has been mind-f*cked by a narcissist. I hope things have been better for you because you sound like a catch! Do not be someone’s door mat when you are capable of so much more. You said “his inability to contribute to us, or me” is the answer you need. Love is blinding but self-preservation is SO much more important in the end. I realize this is a few months old but I hope you are grabbing life by the balls again!! Hope to hear a good update from you!
Hey Danielle!
Thank you for your comment! Very accurate, so on point. I have since broken up with him. It’s been 2 months now. My depression is gone. I still have a lot of love for him, but absolutely not worth the incredible sacrifices I made for him/for us. We recently saw each other last week, and it was very difficult. But actually, it reaffirmed my decision and besides feeling heartbroken and failed at this, I feel so light, see myself again with big love eyes and started some pretty cool art projects again. I am proud of myself. I am willing completely to look at my behavior and see and feel through my pain, my part in our story and forgiveness has started. We want to remain friends, and that is positive and makes me happy. But enjoy having my space again, feeling full of life and love again. This experience has taught me to evaluate each situation that could be causing such pain and sadness, and if what I’m trying to help/fix/accept isn’t working, to keep on trying, deducting people/situations until I feel free. Trust my intuition and my truest self to know what makes me shine and fuck the rest. Life is too short and too precious to waste on suffering constantly.
Thank you, Danielle, and the others for not only your support and concern, but for your honest advise. Much love.
High five! I knew you had it in you! 🙂 You got this and something better will happen for you. I do think remaining friends is okay but like “we are friendly when we run into each other” kinda friends not like “oh yeah we hang out weekly” …….NO! lol that will keep you tied down to that old part of you! well thats my take anyway. an internet stranger can’t tell you what to do! You sound way happier which is great!
also want to say.. you shouldn’t say that you “failed at this” because you did not fail in anyway just because the relationship didn’t work out. in fact you were like the one who did all of the work in a college group project but on the day of the presentation none of your group members showed up so your teacher automatically failed you all because of their slacking. ha i dont know where i’m going with this, but YOU pulled more than your weight is what I mean. You actually got an A++ on getting your butt out! I guess I’m super invested because this sounded identical to my ex and I!
This is the first time I’ve been able to read all this on one page that fully describes what we are going through.
My girlfriend has very severe anxiety and depression issues and I would desrive her as all of these sorry from 8,9 and 10. I have developed these symptoms I think as as a response to the problems we are going though.
Iam seriously considering leaving. I even have a bag packed just in case. But I don’t want to devastate her and would feel like a failour if I couldn’t help.
What should I do?
I’ve just found this article and it’s exactly what I’m experiencing from my husband of 23 yrs with suicide thoughts thrown in.
He has gone undiagnosed for three years with constant rejection from him.
I plan to seperate this year but can’t get him to agree the sell if family home two children have witnessed everything in this article aged 13 and 11 even keeping him together whilst I rush back from work as he’s got his suicidal thoughts again.
He has played me and blamed me for so much and it’s a relief to read this is all his mental state of mind which makes me stronger to cope in the interim period.
If I leave family home with children with nothing I will be forced to go solicitor to divorce and sell house … I just wanted it to be done so nicely 50/50 house and 50/50 children big he refuses to leave bricks and mortar. I understand it is his security but I need to support my children and start afresh before this affects there mental health too
I’m scared when that day comes his dark thoughts return again and he hurts himself but I can’t live like this or my children
It is a wicked illness that has destroyed him and now our relationship but if I don’t go it will destroy the children
Leave, these are people that have become so evil, they blame you, the innocent party, for all their failings. I could not see an end result after all the nastiness from them. I left and immediately felt 100% better by being away from this control freak, who just had evil nasty thoughts about you. Life is short, find happiness.
Every word describes my husbands behaviour exactly.
We have been together for twenty years, and three years ago he started to change. I thought it was just a midlife crisis, but I was so wrong.
Eventually, after much persuasion from me, we went to the doctors, who put him on anti depressant pills. Unfortunately, this does not help the other person, who just gets abuse, evil, hatred, nastiness, controlling, criticism from the person that she was spending the rest of her life with.
After six months of being on the pills, he seemed to have got much worse, so I left. I don’t see why I should stay with a person who has become so evil and hated me so much, when all I did was try and help.
So sorry for you. I have been through exactly the same as you 20 years together then like a stranger emotional abuse. Adultery with a girl half my age nasty and evil behaviour. No empathy or compassion towards anyone. Family pushed away also. Leaving me £57k in debt from a failed business venture and willing to walk away and leave me with the debt and no way of financially supporting myself.finally cracked after 8 months of sheer hell me telling him he was ill and needed to go to the docs but he didn’t believe me. No support from his family either who just said it was a marriage problem and wouldn’t believe he was ill. He has been on anti depressants for over a year now. Says can’t remember what happened when I try and talk he just looks away and won’t discuss what he has done so I get no answers. It’s really hard he is better with me now but no where near the man I knew for all those years I’m still with him God knows why good luck to you
Hi Jackie
I think you have nailed it…no compassion or empathy, that was exactly it, no feelings for other people apart from hatred.
Hope yours gets better, mine certainly has not. I wouldn’t wish being the spouse of one of these people on anyone. I still can’t get my head around the complete change of personality, but after three years of sheer torture, it’s not my problem anymore.
Wow! Jackie and Lou, I’m going thru the exact same thing with my husband of 21 years. I, like you, cannot get my head around the personality change and lack of caring or empathy!
So sorry for you Sara. I am 2 years down the line now. 8 months of sheer hell he put me through but shows no remorse. Won’t talk about it just says can’t remember. He also says he can’t remember who he was before. Well he was a kind caring sensitive family man then all hell broke out. He turned into a mean cruel evil man who cares about no one but himself. Much better now on anti depressants I’ve seen a vast improvement over the last 12 months and sometimes I think he is back to his old self but then he does something which then reminds me he is not. I think until he sorts out his issues he will never find inner peace. Hope yours get better soon take care of yourself and try get some support. The worst thing for me was no one ever truly believed that he was ill and put it down to a marriage problem as that’s what he told everyone. There was nothing wrong with our marriage he had only just sat with a friend of mine and told her that I was his world his sole mate etc 2 months before he started going downhill. When I asked what was wrong with ur marriage he said I’ve told you and I’m not going over it anymore. When I said well you need to tell me again as I obviously don’t know he just said I need to leave. Which he did on 3 occasions. This illness is hard to get your head round and I’m still unsure of which way to go. I’m trapped by the fact he list his business and our home went bankrupt and passed the debt to me and now I’m financially insecure. I sometimes feel he knows this and holds it against me as he knows I can’t go anywhere as I can’t afford to. However at 52 I do have life left in me and won’t be dragged down by him. I’m just living for me and my family now. My feelings towards him are not the same and they will never come back I still love the man I had but loathe the man he has turned into
Thanks for giving us strength Lou! After 24 years of marriage I am coming to the conclusion that I need to leave. I see my husband winding up for a few days nowbefore the blowout happens. It’s such a pattern now. I feel like he is in a dark hole and he keeps trying to drag me in with him. I’ve tried to pull him out for two years now and I’m just exhausted. It’s literally killing everything good and positive being around him. He’s on meds now, and constantly reminds me that he takes them because of all horrible stuff I did to him. He comes up with the craziest twists on simple basic occurrences. It really is like the man I loved for over 20 years is just gone and this evil negative man lives with me that I must tip toe around. I have asthma and thought it was getting worse, until he left for a weekend. I realized that I could breathe again, literally. It’s crazy the stress this puts on the ones trying to help them. Are we just suckers for staying so long? I’ve told him many times that there is no one in my life I’d ever let talk to me like he is, to be so hateful.
I give you a lot of credit for leaving, and thank you Lou for letting us know that we can be happy again after dealing with this… best of luck to you:-)
Hi Maur
I am coming up to a year of my escape! It has been hard starting again from scratch, but also like a massive weight had lifted. I came to the conclusion that you cannot help people if they can’t see they have a problem.
My ex is still totally insane, and all the lies he told people about me, they are now seeing the truth, as he is now also treating them with these rages and hatefulness. I cannot see any hope for repair for him.
Good luck for your future life without being put down, walking on eggshells, and being treated with no respect. Xx
Wow this rings so true its like your in my home narrating our feelings, im a 30 yr old guy but now im teary, i will bookmark this page and come back to it often. Feel like you’ve given an insight into my life which is incredibly comforting even though you have never met me. Sincere thanks for taking the time to compose this article – mike
In pursuit of happiness;
I’ve recently went thru a divorce, my mom is paralyzed due to a recent stroke and my dad is trying to gain full custody of my kids for financial reasons. I cannot see my mom or my kids until I get custody back and I’m in a new town where I don’t know or trust anyone.
I met a new boyfriend 3 months ago and I’m now pregnant with his first child. He is a great man but we have serious communication problem going on. He often looks at me like he is aggravated when I’m just trying to have a casual conversationwith him. He responds to me like what I just said was unintelligent. When I tell him that his mean looks or agitated body language hurts me he imwdiatwly loses control of his emotions. He begins waving his arms in the air yelling at me telling me that he can’t help the way his face looks and basically tells me my thoughts or feelings are wrong and invalid and he plays a victim. He doesn’t settle down and will even pretend to cry or tell me he’s going to kill himself. He then walks away from me and spends his time on his phone and then he comes back as if nothing ever happened.
I want to Make this work but I’ve also got so much on my plate trying to get my kids back and I’m so stressed that I’m scared about my current pregnancy. He supports me financially but when I beg him to stop with the outbursts he doesn’t listen and he can’t control his outbursts in public or while driving. I feel at times he is purposely doing this and it’s some type of control and manipulation be likes to have over me.
He seems happy and cheerful around other people but when it’s just me and him his demeanor completely changes he looks like he’s bored and aggravated he doesn’t appear to enjoy doing things with me like looking at Baby things or playing mini golf. He tells me that I’m crazy and that I’m making this all up and that I’m blaming him 4 the abuse from my ex-husband and the fact that I’m in a custody battle for my children. I am very aware of how stressed out and depressed I am do to my life events prior to meeting him but I don’t feel like I am making anything up or putting blame on him for my other issues. I don’t even feel as if what he is saying is even relevant to what is actually going on but for some reason I feel like he tries to deflect the real problem and that he is doing this on purpose and I don’t understand really other than manipulation or control what he is trying to gain out of it.
I’ve recently started to not even try and work on it with him and he is content with seeing me cry and when I asked him to come to bed with me he tells me he’s just going to smoke another cigarette and then he doesn’t come to bed at night at all and still thinks that there isn’t a problem with that.
He swears that all he wants is to be married to me and he wants a family and is excited about the new baby I believe him but there’s something there that is interfering with addressing the real issue discussing it like an adult and moving forward.
The way our disputes turn out always lead him to go away from me and stay on his phone for hours which leads me to start having more negative thoughts feeling as if he is Maybe talking to someone else it gives me a lot of insecurities but he swears that I’m the only one
This is my first post and I’m sure it’s a little all over the place but if anyone has any insight I would really love to hear it.
Hi JC eey try to avoid discussing his behavior with him and stay on shallow happy talks.. at times where u see him caln ask him if he would go to couple’s therapy because something is not going smooth between u two. Do not put the blame on him and pretend it would be only to fix bad comunication in ur couple. U can not tell a drunk man he is drunk just as u can not tell the depressive that he is depressive. The therapist will know how to deal. Gd luck
My bf and I have been dating since Feb 2015. He has had depression the entire time and said at the very beginning, “I’m not really in the right place to be in a relationship.” Of course, me being the caretaker that I am and convinced I could help him, I pushed it along anyway. Well, now it’s June, 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but in the past 3 or more months, pretty much stated we are each other’s best friend. When I asked him, twice, what it was that we really don’t agree on or fight about he said, “Nothing!” We really do get along. Problem is, we had a very special weekend had a great time, things didn’t quite go the way he promised and next thing you know it’s Monday morning and I didn’t get what I had anticipated. Let’s just say this isn’t the first time I was promised something (don’t want to go into what the something is) and then it didn’t happen. Well, he saw me getting a bit of an attitude and flipped out. “You always have to ruin everything that’s good. This happens after every great weekend together. I’m leaving and going back to my sister’s. I don’t care about my stuff do what you want with it.”
I was shocked. I’ve seen him flip before, ON A DIME, but this was different. We’ve had fights and he’ll either disappear or won’t talk to me but it’s NEVER more than 24 hours. That was Tuesday morning. Today it’s Friday afternoon. I spoke to him for 2 minutes last night. I asked him if he didn’t want me around anymore and he said, “I don’t know and I don’t care I don’t want to think about anything I’m depressed and I just wanna sleep.” He won’t answer my texts, nothing.
Worst part about this is, I’ve been evicted from my apartment and have to get out this weekend. He was going to help me move out and I was going to his sister’s. Well, with this situation, I may be homeless plus I live on the 3rd floor and now I’ll have to move everything myself???
I’ve always been supportive where his depression is concerned. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. I tried leaving him many times only to come back because no one else compares. He really is my best friend. I live in a near area, have no family, no friends to speak of he’s it. And now I don’t have that.
My question is, when do I give up? I don’t want to as I know I will love him till the end of time. But he’s not making any strides to get help and I just don’t know what to do.
He often said I deserve someone so much better than him. I don’t want anyone else. There’s a man that came into my life that I met before him that is sniffing around again. I like him but he’s not this guy. He’s offered for me to come live in his big house, no rent to be paid, until I get back on my feet. It’s tempting! However, if I do go there and my bf comes around, that will definitely be it for us.
I don’t know where to turn. I’m really at a loss
Get out while you can. I’m married and stuck.
Hey Karen. How have you been since then? I feel like my situation is exactly like yours..
I had planned a get away with my bf at the snow and thought it would be nice to kind of spend the weekend together just us 2, to kind of sort things out and mend our broken relationship. HE has depression and wont admit it or seek help . I also didnt think it went as what i expected to be, he was pretty much always on his phone talking to his friends rather than paying attention to me. Hmm not sure what i wanted to do, he also blamed me for always ruining things, and out of nowhere one month ago he called it quits and told me to give him space and that he was not in a state to be in a relationship ..
Its really hard i dont know what to do either if you ever need anyone to talk to. I am here to talk it out with you because I know you feel ! Much love !
Amen to that! I’ve gotta get out soon.. again.
Hey Karen. How have you been since then? I feel like my situation is exactly like yours..
I had planned a get away with my bf at the snow and thought it would be nice to kind of spend the weekend together just us 2, to kind of sort things out and mend our broken relationship. HE has depression and wont admit it or seek help . I also didnt think it went as what i expected to be, he was pretty much always on his phone talking to his friends rather than paying attention to me. Hmm not sure what i wanted to do, he also blamed me for always ruining things, and out of nowhere one month ago he called it quits and told me to give him space and that he was not in a state to be in a relationship ..
Its really hard i dont know what to do either if you ever need anyone to talk to. I am here to talk it out with you because I know you feel ! Much love !
WOW! Ive been walking around like dawn of the dead trying to figure out what was wrong with me. This is it!! I have been feeling each and every one of these. ALL 11. Wow. I always knew i was little more emotional than others but, geez, this is it!! Sadly, like the rest of the stories, my husband of 17yrs had an affair. Well, i dont know if you would call it an affair. If you consider Craigslist/Backpage hookers an affair. So, I had a couple surgeries and it just drained the heck out of me. I got a little depressed. Seasonal depressed. U no, stuck at home. Got a little tense between us. Kinda withdrew. Now my husband and I have always been the “Do everything together ” type. Out with the kids or ourselves. Been that way forever. Got along great. Our own little worlds. So when i withdrew he thought i didnt wamt him anymore because I quit having sex with him for a couple months. Well he found a Chick off Craigslist and met her 3 xs at a nasty Notell a couple towns over. It was 6 weeks start to finish. He was so miserable in that time. I remember him crying uncontrollably twice in that time period . He hated himself. Ive never seen him so upset in 17yrs. Well he OUTED himself by texting her from our extra house (cell) phone. He broke his a few days before in a fit of rage. (Alittle self-hatred going on). So all was revealed. He told me everything, well what he got caught for. That was Dec 2013. Now. Its been very hard. Wont lie. But then….. THE F….R DID AGAIN!!#!!!!!!!! from FEB 2015 to April 2015. I looked at his phone for something. ….BAMMMM. there they are. All kinds of phone numbers. I look em up. Guess what.. Backpage hooers!!! wtf??? I confront him. He say” I cant take the lies anymore, i called 5 but didnt meet any of them. SERIOUSLY? !?!?@!#/^&(.
NOW WHAT????? Let me tell you, ive ruined my life over this!!
THIS WHOLE ARTICLE IS EXACTLY ME!!!!
ALL OF IT!! I think his affairs has kicked in my depression full gear. I was the most happy, energetic, loving, giving women. Now. I never leave the house. Sometimes i cant get out of my bedroom. This SUUUUCCCCKKKKSSS. Im a prisoner iin my own mind. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
P.S. The Xanex he was prescribed made his need for other women 100xs worse. I understand it because it make my own depression worse sometimes.
Thanks you for listening to my rant. 1st time i ever wrote anything about it.
I found this page after reading yet another well-meant posting on Facebook to an article detailing how people can help others with depression by just listening in a non-judgemental way. Sometimes that may work, but it didn’t in my case. Married for 16 years to someone who could never admit that she needed professional help, I tried everything I could in order to help her through it. At the end, I was depressed and miserable along with her. It’s a sad thing to say, but I got rid of my depression by leaving my depressed spouse. Sometimes, as my therapist told me as I was trying to decide whether to leave or not, you just have to rip off the band aid. It’s two and a half years on from my decision and I’ve regained the happy person I used to be, looking forward to life. It took a long time to recover. It’s probably only in the last 3 or 4 months that it’s really begun to sink in, but my hurt memories of my old life are fading away. I just want to say to anyone else who might stumble upon this page and wonder about whether it’s worth hanging on – if you’re having those doubts, listen to them. There’s no reason to keep yourself in this hell just because you’re trying to do right by the other person. Sometimes, you’re not going to fix them, and you owe it to your kids, yourself, and even your spouse/partner to admit that some things are unfixable and move forward.
I completely agree. It is hard to determine whether the behaviour in the relationship are symptoms of the depression or incompatibility. When they are depressed they are so raw and fragile it is very confusing and you blame yourself first naturally. It helps to separate the symptons and their actual behaviour. Some people with depression deal with it still in a nice manner. It is down to the personality. I released that I did not love the person behind the depression and that was the first step away. I would rather be on my own than with a fake relationship that is not real. They are complicated people so it takes longer to work out. I wished I could of helped but you do need real love and if it isnt therr it isnt there.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. Been fighting it with my husband for years. & I too am so depressed & hate life.. it sucks..
I have been with my partner for three years and I have a beautiful little boy with him. He’s always been bit short tempered and moody but never nasty, but now he has become someone I don’t even know anymore, everything is my fault including depression, which I’m finding really hard to hear, I don’t want to be the making of anyone’s pain. I am starting to doubt myself now, an my capability as he runs me down no matter how hard I try , it becomes tiering and it hurts . E has a beautiful boy a home as a partner that loves him no matter what he throws my way. It’s a horrible thing to live with because u start doubting ur own sanity .
This is the same with me. And I can handle it most of the time. But when I’m feeling run down or delicate I find it so difficult.
I’m sure like me you manage to muster the strength to get through. Don’t doubt yourself. You can be strong for him and look after yourself too. It’s not your fault or his.
Very true
I have not always been this way, but I realize that my husband from the begining wanted to control my every move including finishing college. He just would not let me pursue any of my goals after I recieved my associates and has put me down for evey failure I have ever made before it becames a failure. He even constantly put me down while in college and called me stupid, however, I had a 3.75 GPA. He fought me all the time when I was trying to study. Furthermore, when I do fail at something, probably due to lack of support and emotional abuse, it is rubbed in my face w/ never letting it go years later and becomes 10 x worse. So the blame game is on of course, yes of course, depressed, bitter, angry, snappy, negative, and disfunctional. I am constantly put down to the point I don’ t function and arguments spur out of control (lasting for hours), moreover, now I do the same thing and blame him. By the time an argument is over I am to emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically too exhausted to do anything. I am then critocized for that as well. He blames me all the time too. He blames me why he can’t get something in the kitchen b/c of cabinetry and is mad b/c he doesn’t want to get on his hands and knees to get it. I am never successful at anything and I am worried for my two children. I put them first, but am constantly reminded what I am doing wrong even when I am not know his suggestion is assinine. My eldest child has development delays and I stay on top of it w/ many doctors, research, and every resource I can. My husband says our child’s problem has manifest in the result og only of me. My husband leaves in the morning before kids are up. My child has meltdowns consistently every morning as we get ready for school. Their isn’t any type of punishment that motivates this child. I know that this isn’t right. I am told I am wrong on it all the time. I know i am correct b/c my family’s education and carreer background are of this field and ee are talking about my mom and generations from my mom. Now, I can’t help to think how ignorant and stupid he is. Now, my husband says he can’t stand me and wants a divorce. What do I do?
Give it to him! He’s looking at it like a punishment for your failures! I would doubt he’d follow through as it is probably just another tactic in his dysfunctional ways! He couldn’t allow you all these years to succeed because had you been successful you would of most certainly had enough self confidence and your own money to leave! It will take time to undo all the self doubt and damage he created in you but you will be able to raise your children with self confidence and teach them you can get through anything! Good luck and I hope you are able to find you again most importantly YOU deserve it but you children deserve a mother that is 100% well to give them the best she can!
You ever look into narcissistic disorder? He kinda sounds like one. Hope things work out for you. Its hard when dealing with.a narc xx
My husband is the same damn way. I can’t even keep going like this. It’s so horrible. I’m sorry.
This article shed some light on my problem. I am 22 and just had my second child 3 months ago. I have suddenly become very unhappy with myself, my life, And everyone around me. I had a traumatic childhood into teen years and it only made the depression worse. I get very mad easily and say hurtful things to my husband. I feel as if we ate hanging by a thread. I have tried talking to a psychologist but it does not seem to help. Talking only dug up the past and made me feel worse. I have bad thoughts everyday. Many times I want to just end or all but my kids keep me going. I am a full time stay at home mom and I am constantly on edge and lose my temper a lot ( not around them) but I feel so alone…. I want to know what I can do to help this…
You owe it to yourself to continue to seek help. Continue to work with your therapist to find solutions whether it be talk therapy, medication, or a combination of both. You’re young, you’ve just had a baby so that can make things worse with the possibility of postpartum depression bleeding into this….not to mention if you’ve come from an abusive/neglectful household, you will oftentimes feel worse when you are processing the hurt from this. Hang in there and don’t give up….you have your whole life ahead of you and a family full of people who love you and are pulling for you. It’s hard to fight through it but there is so much love and beauty in the world and you deserve to experience it. /hugs
I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on what is best to do. I was dating a woman for two months, and we really clicked so well. We were seeing each other at least once a week or more. We didn’t get to the relationship stage, but it looked like we were headed that way. She told me early on she has depression. We had a small fight, and managed to patch things up a couple weeks later. When we patched things up. she told me she didn’t think she could pick up where we left off just yet as she and her best friend had a falling out, and it wouldn’t be fair to me if we got together while she was feeling down. Her best friend is a guy who lives out of state, and I’ve never met him, but knew about him. I told her we could take a step back and be friends until she got though this, and she could talk to me, which she did for a few days. I even started sending her jokes to cheer her up which she said she appreciated. After about a week, she suddenly shut me out. She refused to respond to my texts or emails. I even told her if she was upset with me, to let me know so I could make it right with her, and still nothing. After about a month, I noticed she unfriended me on Facebook, and even deleted all her Facebook posts from the time we met up until now. None of the posts were even about me, but they’re all gone. I’ve been concerned about her, and I hope she’s ok. I’m wondering if I should just let it go, move on, and let her make the move if she ever does. Does anyone have any other suggestions? If anyone else did this to me, I would just write them off and be done with it. For some reason I can’t explain, I just feel like I can’t do this to her. It’s just a gut feeling, but I feel like I can’t just abandon her even if we end up being friends and not dating anymore. We never met each others’ friends or kids since we never did quite make it to the relationship stage. If anyone has any suggestions, I would welcome them.
Hey Rob, the first thing that came to mind reading this was that this “friend’ was a romantic partner, and she obviously patched things up with him and wanted to hide the fact that she was dating you… I could be flat out wrong. Anyway, hope you have been able to move on, you deserve someone who is ready to have you in their life. <3
I’m in crisis I’ve been with my partner for 30 years stood by him through thick and thin,raised our daughter who was in and out of hospital for 13 years with a bone tumour,so my job had to revolve around them. He has just recently told me he is depressed and his doctor has referred him to a councillor,the only reason he told me was because I wanted sex as we have had no intimacy for the last 16 months he hasn’t mentioned it or shown me any affection since I questioned him in June about being out till 1.30 in the morning a 30 year old blonde went past our home in a car and he walked in straight after,I asked him who she was and his hand went up to his mouth and said he was with nobody! Second thing found bracelet in his car and viagra in July, third thing September booked day off work told me he was at work I got in car seat pushed forward!!! That was when I thought how much more…. he keeps telling me there’s no one else and he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong but he is,so I decided to do some research for my own piece of mind because I feel like I’m going mad, from a young age he saw his father beat his mother till his father left my partner was 7yrs old he told me his dad would be back the following weekend he never showed up again….he told me he thought it was his fault,at the same time he stopped talking for 3 weeks his mother thought he’d gone deaf doc said nothing wrong he’s just ignorant so he got a belting for that,none of them considered he was traumatized. Then couple of months step father arrived so from 7 to 15 from my knowledge he watched him beat his mother also himself and and his older btother, when he was 31 I told him to get help but no,everything he’s been doing to me over the years point’s to him being a narcissistic abuser/ passive and now I’m the one that’s dealing with his depression my life has been turned upside down I’m so anxious all the time can’t think or concentrate ever thing you’ve written above I’d my partner but with lies,deceipt and secrets I think about him all the time which I know is unhealthy but it’s like he brainwashed me with silences,no conversation and acts like everything is fine, tonight I asked him again is there another woman he said there’s no one,I’ve given him an out of this relationship a couple of times now says he doesn’t want another life,so now I can’t figure out if he’s been having sex with someone and guilt jumped up and bit him on the arse in the form of depression or he really is depressed,he’s told me tonight he knows he’s hurting me and doesn’t want to,i asked him then why do it,so since me confronting him he’s not talking at all to me,its like he’s been punishing me for the last 12 months and i don’t know why,i feel so sad and alone.
So sorry that you are going through all this. I like yourself have been in this position mine started sept 2014 he went from kind loving caring man to like he had lost his mojo. In November 2014 he started going downhill. He had a night away its work and didn’t call me very out of caracater I accused him of being with someone else which he denied and said he felt old didn’t like what he saw in the mirror and thought that I didn’t want him. Went to docs with him she offered anti depressants but he said he didn’t need them. He then went on the rampage totally ignored me and our daughter at home walked past us like shit on his shoe. Left me said he couldn’t cope said we had a marriage problem but wouldn’t say what. I left him he carried in at home and work like nothing was wrong never spoke about what had gone on to our daughter which was still living at home with him. Then in June 2015 I asked him what was wrong he kept telling me he loved me but when I asked what the but was he couldn’t answer. We were having sex then he wouldn’t speak to me downstairs his whole sexual behaviour changed also. In June he told me he didn’t want a wife and family. I told him to leave I had had enough. 3 days later he was back full of remorse had made a mistake he was 100% committed to moving on as a family I had booked to go away for 10 days with a friend to recover myself so told him that. He moved back in on the Friday 7pm he took me to the airport next day at 11am I face timed him text him spoke to him then 4 days into our holiday he text me and said he had made a mistake and was leaving again his text was really bad. He was tying up loose ends etc.i spoke to his parents and my family and they all tried to tell him apart from his parents that something was wrong with him his behaviour was so hot of character his parents just offered him a room even though they knew how he had treated me. 2 days before I came home he cracked went to the docs was diagnosed with depression and on anti depressants. The first lot made him crack I found out he had slept with a girl at work 26 he is 47 had been in some kind of relationship with her for 4 months but he had ended it. He has a daughter 21 shame in him. He has a son from a previous relationship he got a girl pregnant when he was 21 he never saw his son until he was 19 and turned up on our doorstep he eventually agreed to meet him he has been in our life for 7 years he has a daughter so we now have a grand daughter he has now decided that he feels nothing for him or his granddaughter so he is not going to see them anymore bad behaviour. His parents have never accepted him as their grandson disgusting on their behalf. I don’t know what happened when he had to tell them all those years ago but I presume it was a very big shame thing. There is a history of mental illness in his mothers side but she will not believe that her son is mentally ill and tries to blame me for him being the way he is. He is a lot better now on the anti depressants for 8 months but still not the man I married and have been with for 23 years. Shows no remorse for what he has done says it’s all a blur he can’t remember a lot of it and he can’t remember what he was like before. Work stress loosing his business and our family home all contributed to it if you ask me. He was willing to leave me with 50k of debt and no wan of financially supporting myself and his parents knew this but offered him a room says a lot for that family I am very bitter. I try to concentrate on me now getting out with friends on my own at least once a week and working full time and enjoying my job has helped like you I don’t know where my life is going at the mome but one thing for sure is that I will not allow him to mentally abuse me again ill or not
Thank you for sharing. I’ve been fighting my marriage with my husband for yrs. Lots of mental/verbal abuse. God will get me there!!
Hello, I’m currently questioning my relationship, but I don’t really know if it depression or just me. I was diagnosed with Depression 3 years ago, however, I’m positive I’ve had it much, much longer.
I’m with an amazing guy. He’s so kind and caring. He’s patient with me while I’m questioning our relationship. He loves me so much, and he hurts, but remains so positive that it’ll work out.
I’m constantly filled with pain (feels like fear) in my heart. I simultaneously want to see him and also want nothing to do with him. I want to hold him sometimes, and other times I don’t want to touch him. I feel like I want to talk to him, but I also don’t. I’m scared I’m going to lose him… I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time… I want him to find someone better than me, who’s more put together and can love him the way he deserves.
I hide away in my room, away from my family because I don’t normally want to talk to them. Sometimes I feel alone…
I can talk and laugh with people, but it’s just…. Talking most of the time. Like I laugh because something is funny, but I don’t actually feel the laughter.
I’m scared that I don’t love him anymore. I’m afraid I’m just denying my feelings that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t know what to do. Around December, I started feeling down in general, but I had him. It wasn’t until January that I woke up one morning and didn’t feel anything for him. I immediately felt afraid I was going to hurt him, that I didn’t want to lose him.
I used to see a future with him, one with a family and a home. Now I’m not even sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The thought of that makes me feel tired… That and helping him through his own bouts of depression. The thought of being there for him had never bugged me, I’m a very supportive person, but I’m just tired. Right now, it feels like we aren’t connecting when we talk and his humor is slightly childish, but I’ve always either rolled my eyes at it or teased him about it. Now, I get so impatient with him… I haven’t yelled at him, but he’s really begun to exasperate me… A lot of people have.
There are moments when it feels like I should just give up and leave him, that it’ll never work out and I’m wasting my time, and then I go numb. Is that because I’m actually depressed? Is it because the constant everyday ruminating about my relationship and the fear I feel that my emotions are shutting down.
I really need advice. I’m trying to see a psychologist, but they’re all so busy, same thing with the psychiatrists. It’s hard going through this everyday… We don’t want to leave each other, but I’m afraid that that’s all we can do… Any type of advice would be nice.
You already gave the answer yourself: We don’t want to leave each other
If there is a will there’s a way. I’ve been in the same boat. Don’t doubt yourself or him, trust dear ones. It’s depression. No doubt about it. These are the words I needed to hear when I was struggling:
Stop distracting yourself. You need to be honest with him. Talking will help the situation, just remember that you have to want to get better. Being stubborn or simply refusing help won’t help you. There are people who will care and take care of you but you have to be honest and let them.
I know it’s easier said than done but it’s totally worth it.
I feel exactly the same as you Confusion.
I’ve always thought me and my girlfriend would move in together and get marries and have kids. Shes the perfext person that ive always been looking for.
Its as if i woke up one day and it was gone. The thought of not being with her is awful. But when in with her, its a struggle to feel like I used too. Like the things I used to tolerate and intolerable.
Snap,
Thats my story as well. One morning she was just gone. We did move into together. She has 3 amazing kids that I lover dearly. My son and her son were best of friends. The house was full of laughter and love. But the depression took over and now shes moving out. We were to be engaged in Dec. From the stories I have read the ones that made it through did some therapy together as well. Getting the meds dialed in was also key. I pray you are able to get reconnected. From what I understand of this illness the relationship will take time to build but it is possible.
Blessings
Thank you for sharing. I am on the receiving end of what you are going through. I love my GF very much and have done a lot of research on depression. Every story I read is the same. She has chosen to leave as she believes the relationship its whats causing all the pain and after reading yours its how she described her feelings towards me.
I can see why you are hurting over your confusion. I have read so many storys like yours. Once the depression hits its like all the feelings you once had are gone. My GF says the same things you wrote here.
Please do what you can to get in to see someone. This illness is a monster and you did not choose it but you can fight it with help.
I feel like this was written by my own girlfriend. I love her more than anything on this planet and we have been going through the same exact struggle as a couple. I my situation right now she has left and I am devastated. Because I can tell you this: if your boyfriend feels similar feelings for you that I do for my partner he wants so desperately to be with you and work through this.
When I told the love of my life that I loved her there were no stipulations to it. No – I love you… But if shit gets tough… I’m going to bounce. I love the woman I am/was/unsure about status I am with more than anything.
Those words to me are a promise. A vow that you will always have a partner… Especially when going through tough times. Even more so than the good times!
Your doubts about wanting him to have a different life with out you in it are your own doubts – I’m sorry to be so blunt about that (we’ll call that my own lack of sleep the past 10 days). But the fact that he is by your side means that he wants to be with you through this.
Please – from the standpoint of being the man in a similar situation… Love him. Love on him and stand by your feelings of love you have. LOVE… It is such an amazingly powerful thing and can conquer all. I used to think that was just a phrase… But holding out on love is never a moment wasted.
I hope this message finds you well and fills you with a warm hug. It’s going to be better… Talk to your mate. I bet you he loves you even more than you could ever be aware of!
Thank you… Everyone. It’s been crazy, I thought I was crazy. It’s hard, because I get so hot and cold with him. He just knows It’s going to work out… And it scares me because what if it doesn’t….
Right now, I’m pretty much numb. I don’t feel pain, but I definitely don’t feel joy. I can only hold onto the solace that, at least in this state, I can rely on myself to at least believe I still love him and not be a questioning mess.
My depression really made me question EVERYTHING about my relationship, to the point where I was telling myself that I was never even truly happy with him… And my mind KNEW that was a blatant lie…. But subconsciously the “what ifs” ate me alive…
Is like I said: I really don’t want to leave him. He’s mine, and I love him… I’ve been depressed before… But I never knew depression could be so…. Malicious. Taking away one of the few things that brought me true joy…. Now I’m just empty. It’s kinda sad really, I talk about it like it’s nothing. I feel no sadness, I feel no joy. I’m just here… And after all the confusion and sadness, for right now… That makes it all okay.
This is how I’m feeling but just thought it was fall out from my partners depression in the way he’s treating me,i love him always have for the 30 years we’ve been together, want to grow old with him I thought once our kids moved out it would be us time,fun time,closer than ever time,he is just making me feel like I’ve wasted all those hard-worked years for nothing and now he’s pushed me to feel nothing,i just feel sad and tears just keep welling up,and I’m emotionally drained and feel totally lost.
That word you used, malicious… Is such a powerful word. It’s been almost three weeks now since my partner left. Last night we had a very brief interaction that I had to force due to her strict “I’ll talk to you when I’m ready mentality”.
Didn’t really recognize my partner honestly – there is a hold there that I have to believe is from the maliciousness of our current situation. Like I mentioned before – we went from being best friends to apparantly two people who now can’t even have a conversation. That one is still hard for me to wrap my head around – I hope and pray that one day I’m going get to see my partner again – but right now… I guess I don’t get to know when or if that will ever happen.
Depression takes a certain toll on people from what I’ve read. I could never imagine that day to day questioning that you’ve mentioned (and my GF as well). If I try to put myself in her shoes I know that she must be hurting – even though right now her outward apparence doesn’t show it.
I guess I’m taking a tangent from the “close to home part” and now just talking about my situation. But as the partner in love with her right now I wrestle with the fact that she has said how good she is now that she’s gone, how the past few months weren’t love… Just her trying to play the game. That’s a hard pill to swallow – because I know those are just untrue words. She tells me and my friends that she loves me very much right now… But hasn’t been in love with me. This from the woman who feel asleep each night as I tickled her back, missed me tremendously when I wasn’t home (I work 24hr shifts) and still was talking about a future with me.
So I guess I could use some advice on how to cope with those painful words of “not being in love with someone” when they just don’t add up. Thanks again all – don’t know where I’d be honestly without this forum to vent/talk/read.
Hi confusion, I’m dealing with this exact same issue and have been for some time. Have you found anything that helps?
Living with my GF who is suffering from anxiety disorder and depression. I suspect she has had this for sometime but was triggered by some very traumatic events over the past year. She is unable to drive and has a few pending legal issues to deal with along with a 34 day sent in jail that has been served.
After jail she moved in with her 3 children. This was discussed prior as well. The children could not have been more happy to move in with me and my son. That portion of the relationship is amazing. I love her children very much and love having them a part of the family. We all gel very well.
When she got out things turned from my loving, attentive, affectionate love of my life to an angry and distant person. Over the last 4 months I have completely lost her. She says she not sure if she wants to stay and feels not love for me. The attraction is gone and doesn’t want to be touched. Mornings are very hard. I never know who I am going get.
She is just starting medication and therapy and is making big efforts to get help. It the midst of all this I am not sure what to do? I have read tons and see my story is very similar to most. She has her old place yet so thats the topic of conversation a lot. Maybe I should just move back to my old place. Not what I want and the kids are a big factor in all this.
I love her very much and pray the love she once had for me will return. I really miss my Luv and fear the love will not return for her.
Any thoughts for those who have made though this would be greatly appreciated.
Blessings
I have depression and have had it since a very young age.. My family has never been supportive of me and barely acknowledged my depression.. every time I seeked help on my own. I started getting better around 6 years ago after going on medications and really tried to pick my life up again.. e.g. did well in uni, got a good job, got promotions etc. Around 4 years ago, I met my now ex-bf I believe (although I really don’t want this to be true..). We worked in the same office and it was both of our first job. We clicked from the start and we became good friends quickly. From the start, I sometimes had the feeling that he may like me, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship because I had serious trust issues and always believed that “I didn’t need to be happy, I just need to avoid unhappiness” and so I tried setting him up with 2 other girls that I thought he was interested in, but it seemed it didn’t work. Even after I moved onto another job just 4 months later, he still tried hard to stay in touch and messaged me every single day. More than half a year later, we were finally together (This was my first relationship)
The first 2.5 years was no problem and we were happy. He always messaged me and let me know that he loved me and talked of the future, although unhealthy, his world revolved around me and I tried my best to love him with everything I had. But half a year ago, things started to change. To be honest.. even with my years of “experience” of having depression, I wasn’t sure my actions were due to depression till later.. it was the same as before when I was younger and had depression, OCD and social anxiety, where the symptoms were just so obvious but somehow I was completely ignorant of them. First I became easily annoyed at him.. from small things such as not studying/doing hw for a course we were doing together… to him being too passive and not willing to ask restaurant staff for the listed discount after they billed us more than they should. It was just many tiny things… things that always existed but that I happily accepted as part of him and part of what I loved about him before my depression kicked in. I found myself feeling isolated and crying about nothing all the time. He tried a few times to softly bring up what’s wrong… and I told him each time I think my depression is coming back.. but he offered me zero condolences… he simply said he wishes that my body gets well soon. I was really upset.. but I didn’t blame him because I knew he just didn’t understand. I tried not to talk about it anymore because I knew I was causing him a lot of distress too.. Over the months, it got worse and worse. I could no longer even hold his hand without feeling uncomfortable (I still did but sometimes when I really couldn’t take it, I would pretend to be cold and put my hands in my pockets or played with my phone). I could no longer say sweet words to him. I told him I was sorry that I couldn’t say those things at the moment and felt really stressed out when thinking about our future together.. He accepted that explanation and didn’t ask anything of it but I knew I broke his heart.. I was so scared I was even making him depressed…
Then came December. I really could not control my life anymore.. it was spiralling out of control. I would get teary and felt hopeless all the time. I distanced myself away from him even more because I really felt suffocated and pressured when with him.. also, I knew my irritable nature and coldness was understandably making him very upset and confused too which I felt so terrible about.. I was so scared he would start hating me. Thoughts of killing myself surfaced all the time from my many years of depression but I always knew they were just a brief mental escape and fantasy, nothing I would actually execute. This time was different though.. I thought up elaborate plans to jump out of my window or the bridge near my house and whenever I took the bus, I really hoped some freak accident would happen and just wipe me from existence. I really couldn’t take it anymore. It was extremely difficult but at the time, I really felt it was the only solution and I suggested we take a break. I told him I still wanted to be friends if he was okay with it too but the signs of a relationship was really putting a lot of stress on me… I needed some alone time. He took it really badly as I had expected (based on previous arguments we had). I was very worried about him.. I tried to still be there for him and assured him that I cared for him no matter what. I told him not to hurt himself or do anything he would regret and to play the games he liked and eat the foods he liked. He was in a slump for many days and he said he didn’t want to not talk to me anymore but just didn’t know how to face me.. I felt really sad but I tried to put on a brave face especially since it was me that caused all these problems and upset for him..
Then later in the month.. literally weeks, not even a month after the break… he was with someone else already. He was still saying sad things to me days ago and I really believed he loved me and was the one.. but just mere days.. he was with someone else. I felt so cut and disgusted…
Right now I feel so hurt, betrayed and gutted.. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore.. and of course my depression has taken a turn for the worse and I can barely eat.. this has never happened before.. and I even dug out my expired anti-depressants and valium to take because I really don’t think I can get through this.. I can’t even force myself to do anything anymore and the worse thing is.. I can’t even fall asleep without medication. Sleeping was something that helped me get through my days previously but now I have problem even doing that. I am literally a zombie..
Anyways.. I just wanted to share this and hope others with depression and is having a hard time coping with your relationships to really appreciate what your other half is doing for you and no matter how difficult or suffocated you feel, don’t push your other half away because you never know when they will really go away. As I read here that there are many spouses, despite being treated poorly by their depressed half have stuck around and stayed strong for the both of you, please try to open your eyes despite all the darkness and never take them for granted. For all those here seeking help for their depressed loved ones, kudos to you and please never stop believing in your partner..please never stop believing that they love you because you are probably the only thing that is really keeping them together as a whole.. you guys are the real MVP =]
Hi,
I need help…I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, 12 of them married. I’ve suffered with depression since we met but in different degrees. The worst was the last 8 years. I love my husband but have shut him out emotionally and physically to the point that now I’m doing better he’s not sure if it’s too late. What do I do. He says he doesn’t get the depression thing and feels like we are roommates. Ironically I’ve said I felt like his roommate before and he said he thought things were fine. Is this the end, ideas?
Thank you.
I am in the same situation. My depression jumped 10 fold after quitting a job I should have kept. I thought the stress of my job was depressing me, but leaving caused the onset of extreme anxiety. Now I feel out of control with all of the 11 systems described in the article. It has hurt my relationship with my wife & kids to the point that we simply coexist. Meds help with anxiety attacks, but I remain lethargic and unable to participate in life. I think I will loose everything we have built in our marriage for the past 15 years. I’m scared of what will happen to me then.
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, 20+ years. I would love to go through just how long and all details of this, but that is what my therapist is for and everyone on here has their own story from each side.
My main concern is that miraculously, in the midst of all this, I found love with the most amazing woman. She is the most patient, caring and beautiful person, I have ever met and I love her deeply.
Unfortunately, as many here will recognise, during my darker times I have been emotionally absent. This last dip lasted 3 years and my wife has had to cope with a distant, and often cruel partner. What almost makes it worse is that, as this horrible condition makes you so selfish, I can’t remember most of the cruel things that have been said. I know that for a long time I have had no control over the tone of my voice so remarks I thought to be jovial or lighthearted, could be very cutting.
On another occasion, shortly after our wedding and honeymoon (yes, this beautiful woman even married me in the midst of all this) I was heard to say that, “I can’t remember the last time that I was happy.” A throw away comment to me as depression seemed to take away any memory of good times. But how hurtful this must have been for my wife to hear, shortly after our big day, I can’t begin to understand. I should explain at this point that I loved my wedding day and honeymoon but I just couldn’t remember feeling those happy feelings in the throes of my dark mood. My wife has had to carry that with her since that comment, and every other flippant, non-caring word that I have ever said.
I have started to come out of this long period of depression and my first desire was to turn to my wife but, for her, the relationship changed as I have damaged her trust in me. She had to take the brave decision in letting me know this. It hurts like hell to know that I have been the cause of her pain, sorrow and anger. I love her more each day and this has never changed for me each day throughout the whole period, however, I have been distant and unable to let her know this and aka her feel as special and loved as she deserved to feel.
My wife has been there for me through so much and she is truly amazing to have had the strength to go through this, and all the other things that life has thrown at her whilst she should have had someone there for her too.
At the moment she needs space to help rebuild this trust and, whilst we live together still, I find it hard not to hug or kiss her as I have these strong feelings for her still. This desire, and my fear that I could lose this, the most important person I will ever have in my life, has made me clumsy and awkward in conversation. Yet more frustration for that beautiful woman as she had to cope with me cack-handedly try to start a stumbling conversation when she wants space.
She assures me that she believes we will get through this but I’m so scared that this distance will grow and I will lose her. For myself, I have learned to trust her implicitly but I’m not used to seeing anything but the worst possible outcomes.
I don’t write this to convey myself as the poor victim or to focus on me but to see if there is anything I can do to rebuild this trust.
Your wife married you when you were at your darkest time … She loved you then, and I’m sure you will come through this together.
I read this and hoped so much to see my husbands name at the bottom. I wish more than anything for the glimmer of hope that behind the cutting remarks, the throwaway comments that the man I fell in love with is still there. Your post gives me hope as we are in currently in another period of blackness. Another time where he says he never feels happy, where I only seem to hurt him, where he says I push him away not realising I’m here trying to break through the wall he keeps erecting. Yeah I have times where I think is it worth it, why do I bother, but I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not him, it is depression. I have to fight against the voices of friends, family and those I my head that say it’s not fair, I deserve more. But then the clouds lift, I have my warm, fun, loving husband back … I could never leave him. But it is hard, and each time it happens it gets harder. Sometimes I want to stamp my feet, I want to shout, I want to sulk, … But I’m not ill, I haven’t got depression … So I have to be mature, grown up and rational. And that is hard some days … But if I flip he wouldn’t understand why. He doesn’t see his unreasonable behaviour, he doesn’t see how much hurt he doles out … Depression is such and evil mind messer. I have to direct my anger, my tears, my grief at the illness. I’m grateful for your post today … It gives me so much hope that one day we will get through. That if we both cling we might beat it.
This reply is similar to the one I was going to write. And I am sure she will remain strong for you and you’ll come out th other side. She’s been patient for you so many times so be strong and remain patient for her.
And just-the-wife I feel the same as you. Can’t believe someone feels the same as me; I wish no one did, but it is comforting to know some people understand. We must all be strong. Our husbands are in there somewhere. Don’t let go of that hope. This post also helped top up my hope.
These symptoms seem to only bash on the person feeling depressed. I can relate to many things but they can’t control what they do or their actions. They need help. Here it seems like it’s a hassle to live with someone who’s sick and needs help. All the people commenting are the non depressed partner.
What do you suggest the non depressed partner do? My family has tried going to therapy together but it didn’t seem to help. I think my dad felt attacked (he’s the depressed partner) that was back when I was in middle school, now I’m a senior in high school and nothing has gotten better, if anything it has gotten worse. A few years ago my dad started heavily drinking. I don’t know what to do and I would really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.
For once an article that explains what it’s like to live with someone who is depressed! To have to put up with the negativity, the emptiness, the criticism …
It is hard. And it’s frustrating when articles are normally shown from view of the depressed person. We love them, we support them, we take the pain for them. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes I want to shout what about me, when am I allowed a day off from being the support, when can I stop.
This is a brilliant article … I’ve been married over 20 years and love my husband loads but sometimes I need some time and space for me. I doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But I need to feel loved, wanted and appreciated too. I can’t do 24×7 support. Caring for someone with depression is a daily challenge, it hurts and sometimes I can’t deal with it. I question is it him, is it depression, how can someone who says they love me shut me out, be so cruel, say such evil words. Depression is an evil mistress and her claws wind in deep.
I have to remember this … If I give in, she wins.
I’ve been called numerous names, told that I’m always in the wrong, blamed for everything … And yet then I’m told I’m loved, im the best friend … Do that day in day out and tell me that just occasionally we can’t kick back a bit. We try not to blame the person, or ‘bash’ their attitude – but yeah sometimes I want to, I want to shout, scream, kick punch and hell even leave – my life would be a damn site easier. But I don’t. In sickness and in health, for better, for worse … And he’s my husband. He’s ill. And I love him. I just hate depression, and I hate that sometimes my thought, views and opinions are seeing as not being supportive. Picking yourself up daily, staying positive, staying optimistic, and fighting takes a lot of energy. If you don’t like this article, and think it’s bashing … Think how desperate it is to take all that bashing all the time, and still come back with a smile every day, waiting for the depressed person to recover. To keep the belief that they will come round, that you will have your spouse back again … And in the meantime keep the house running, the kids looked after and protected, the meals cooked, the house cleaned … Just for one minute think about it and accept that depression affects everyone it touches, not just those it infects,
Well said. It is loneliness. Watching other couples connect and sit next to your partner knowing they are a million miles away from you. Trying to gather the slightest attention and to be knocked down over and over and over again. Wondering when they say they love u is that even true?. It is a cruel illness that truthfully takes years of a persons life. They are living but are not actually living I lost years of my mum when she had it and I will never get those months/years back. You hold on for those few well months but u cant help grieveing 10 months a year for a person who only exists part time. I wish for a full life not a part time one. Depression hurts and I praise every individual and this forum to make a difference every second matters its a person life they need to get back together.
Yes yes and yes. My husband of 10 years is depressed and we have 2 young children. The exhaustion and loneliness of it all is the worst. Like you said, I am his best friend and an amazing wife one day to “insert every name in the book” the next. I avoid planning any type of social functions with friends anymore because I never know what mood he will be in. Sometimes I feel like we are the only ones living like this and it’s so nice to know that’s not true.
Well said. This is very much how I feel. I can’t and won’t give in. But it is hard! A little comfort from an article or comment can help renew hope and strength.
Hey, I really need some help or an opinion on what’s been going on this past week. Obviously it’s nothing compared to some of the situations I’ve been reading on this but I am desperate! I’ve been seeing somebody the past 5 months, who is on medication for depression. Just recently in the past 3 weeks or so he has started taking steroids for the gym.. I noticed a slight change in him maybe a week and a half ago and just there at the weekend he moved out of his home house due to a fight with his mother.. He hasn’t been taking his medication because he hasn’t been at home! He’s off the medication about 6 days now and he’s become so distant from me and hasn’t made any efforts to see me! The steroids change him as a person, his mother told me this! But now he’s off his medication too! I never knew him when he wasn’t on his medication and don’t know what he was like before he got help.. Is his depression back and is this what’s causing the sudden change towards me?
Get away from the relationship now. As a person suffering from depression I recommend you use this to your advantage and stop the relationship and then find out why you were attracted to him in the first place.
Take care and know you deserve better so does he and he’s got to figure that out on his own and not at your expense. Would you want a doughnut, sister or friend to go be in this kind of a relationship?
Hope this helps.
I am an empty husk of a human when I am not on my medication. I stare out the window for hours thinking of all sorts of dark things, and am just mean to my spouse and more flippant to family. When I am on them, I still get depressed but I somehow have the ability to – mostly- ignore it. I can function and actually have fun in many situations. Medication, given its the right combination, changes a person to who they are, without the depression. You’re witnessing the ugly side…like shell said, distance yourself. Be there for him if you wish, i do suggest that so he knows he has at least one person, but don’t let it drain you. Remind yourself though that it’s not him, it’s the depression. It truly is a separate entity.
My best friend of 3 years absolutely blew up at me two weeks ago. She said she was depressed and we both had experienced a loss of a close friend in the last three months. It seemed she was trying to phase me out of her life and we had not been close since the death of our friend. I kept asking if she was ok and that I’d be there for her and asking why we weren’t close anymore, I was feeling very upset.
It came to a head two weeks ago when she went completely mental at me saying I was abusive in the friendship by just taking and taking and blaming everything on her, I never paid for anything, I was a liar and never there for her. She said some very hurtful and completely out of line things to me and I wonder how we for two people to share such a close relationship (everyone could see how close we were), even soulmates, to turn around and say I hate you and I never want to see you in my life again.
Very out of character and it is only me who she has been nasty to. I just wanted to talk and see what I had done to upset her but the truth is she wasn’t there for me either.
But it hurts so much that she can cut me off so abruptly, even when she said she wasn’t coping, was not well and suffering depression. Why can she seem to be lovely to other friends and her boyfriend (new of a few months) and do group things with a smile on her face but feel nothing for the friendship loss?
I am tired of feeling like this and the fact that she treated me so poorly but it still matters to me. 🙁
Any suggestions on where my friend with depression may be coming from?
You posted this a while back, so I’m not sure you’ll see this – but this me. I’m that friend, to an extent. I haven’t blown up (not majorly) with my closest friend but we’ve had many fallouts over the past year or so. We’re both going through tough times and she has been dealing with depression as well, but we handle things much, much differently. She is like you, wants to contact and understand what’s going on whereas I start to feel almost attacked if someone asks how I’m doing or what they did continually. Even if I know deep down that they are hurt too and want to understand why I’m shutting them out and isolating, or getting irritated over small things. It’s dumb. I know it, she knows it.
All I can say is, distance yourself for a bit if you haven’t already. Text her, keeping distance, letting her know that you’re still there for her but keep things in perspective. Hopefully, she finds that perspective too. I have and me and my best friend are still a little rocky, but we’re trying to get where we were before and I’m so glad to have her still in my life.
Also, DO NOT beat yourself up. What she may be feeling at that moment is absolutely not what she’ll be feeling once she starts recovery (which I hope she is in the process of since this post). She’ll realize afterwards that her brain was playing tricks on her and making her see things in a skewed manner. That’s the “fun” side of depression. ://
Keep yourself well and reach out to other friends and family. You’re hurting too and you shouldn’t have to put that aside for anyone else. You need support too. Never forget that.
I hope everything is going well for you now and you two have since, at the very least, talked about it. You are not at fault. Keep saying that to yourself. It isn’t your fault!
I had been in a long distance relationship with girl I met on Facebook for about nine months. Over a year ago she sent me a friend request, and she started messaging me almost daily, and we would just talk about anything. We had so much in common that she was like a female version of myself. Things progressed slowly, phone numbers were exchanged and eventually, skype accounts, and before I knew it, we were dating. We both wanted the same thing out of a relationship, marriage, children, and many years of love and happiness seemed in store for us. She was even corresponding with my mother, who really liked her. I flew out to her city last summer to meet her, and everything was perfect, and the chemistry was so intense that the meeting proved to be the best time of our lives. About a month or so later, things started to go downhill. She took my departure from her very hard, but didn’t show it. We also had to keep our relationship a secret because her father didn’t want her seeing me, so that couldn’t have helped. Her FASFA for college was rejected, and she had difficulty finding work and all the while was dealing with a lot of stress at home. All of this, she told me, while our chat sessions began to grow less and less affectionate. She noticed that she was growing more distant, and asked me of it, but she only said she didn’t know why. Soon thereafter, she had tried to kill herself, and called the relationship off after it failed. I managed to talk her out of it, but only for a time. She grew worse, and was usually very moody, irritable, and quiet. It was obvious to me that she was quite removed from our relationship. She ended it last week, saying that her feelings for me just went away, and that she felt only indifference towards me anymore. She also mentioned that she felt worthless, seemingly over being sent home early from work the previous night, and had difficulty sleeping. I have been absolutely devastated by our fallout. Aside from the fact that I had a few choice words for her the day she dumped me, I still wanted to help her out. I contacted some of her family members to see if they could help her, but that has made things worse. Now she won’t even speak to me because she thinks I’ve done it to get back at her. She has become so self-centered that its impossible for her to see reason, or the irrationality of her thoughts. For two months, I have tried and done things to reassure her, and to bring her up, but nothing worked. Now in the aftermath, I don’t know what to do. I keep trying to make sense of all this, but nothing works in my rational mind. The fact that it wasn’t my fault makes it even more unbearable. I feel like I lost my soul mate, for I had never connected so well with a girl before I met her. For the first time in my life, I was completely confident in my other. I didn’t doubt her commitment to me at all, and she did everything she promised while things were good. I’m in utter shock, even a week after that day, which I now think of as my 9/11. What came to be a way of life for me, something I looked forward to with all my heart was taken from me by outside forces of which I cannot explain. I want to believe she will come back to me soon and we can get back on track, but the looming horror in my mind is that she is gone forever. Do relationships ever recover after depression? If the depressed partner is eventually cured or rehabilitated, do they often come back?
your story is so much like mine that it scares me… the only difference is that ive known her for 7 months and she still talks to me every day but only as friends, im so scared, i know its not her, i know she loves me, i know she needs and wants help even though she sometimes deny it. Sometimes i feel she is crying for help but i dont know what to do, i just know i wont give up on her yet and i even scheduled an apointment with a psycologist for me, because i know ill need help to help her help herself, if that makes any sense… I know i cant fix her, she has to do that herself.
Both of your stories sound just like mine. He and I met online even. After our first (and wonderful) meeting, he became depressed after I left. Struggling for two weeks because of that and other major stressors in his life, he called to tell me he could no longer go forward with our relationship.
He stated over and over that he felt he wasn’t worthy of me, that he could not understand how I love him. He said it was better for him to hurt me now, like this, than “10 times more later because of his life”. That he cant give any commitments because he has to find a way out of this on his own and he doesn’t want to hurt me. Nothing I said could dissuade him.
He doesn’t sleep, eat, and has not returned any of my calls or texts. He stopped taking his anxiety medication and I recognize this as him being in a depression. I know he loves me, so I decided to give him his space. I wrote him a letter a few days ago telling him I loved him, would respect his need for space, but that I will never abandon him. I also told him in the letter that I don’t expect anything from him, and that I am here for him regardless.
The pain of this is unreal.
I have been with my girlfriend for over 11 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, like everyone does, and have stood together trough it all. Im not sure if these are experiences that bind you like glue, or just weigh on you shoulders in the addition to the stress of life. We recently bought a house together, in hopes of doin things the responsible ways (house, then marraige, then kids). we bought the house in november in new york, so the first few months were cold, and we found ourselves happily together, keeping eachother warm. However, things started to change at the begining of this summer. Both my parents came to visit from out of state, and notified us that they would be staying with us (on and off) for two months. She wasnt too happy about this. I knew it wouldnt be completely easy, living with my girlfriend AND my parents, but i am a very family conscious person, and was excited to see my parents, as well as accept their aid in getting things done in this new home. And boy, did we ever. However this is where my girlfriend started becoming distant. Before my parents had come, she was talking, with excitement, about all the things she wanted to do for the house, and the little projects she wanted to complete. unfortunately, when the time came, she had done nothing. she started two small projects, one which I had finished because she stopped, and another that is yet to be completed. She started becoming more distant. Going “shopping” or “out” more consistantly, visiting her father nearbye (which is fine by me, however it is EXTREMELY out of the norm for her to want to visit her father). We both work long days, and only get to see eachother awake for an hour or two each day, and then we are off to bed, so usually, these two hours meant a lot to us, and even sleeping had its important place with us, or so i thought. Recently she has been spending much, if not all of our “conscious” time together on her new phone or ipad, and our time sleeping (which was very special to me, a time to lay down with the one i love and hug and kiss and cuddle) she now spends either showering until i am fully asleep, or she spends up all night drawing. She states the drawing makes her feel good. I can understand this, I just miss the day where it was ME that made her feel good. Just last night she was drawing until 3 in the morning. at about 2am i felt so uncomfotable in my own bedroom, as if i was a stranger, that i left the room (as if i had to go to the bathroom or get a drink or something), and i went to lay down on the couch. she was drawing with the light on for the next hour and a half, never left the room, and when she was apparently done, she went right to bed. Like she didnt even care where i was, or what happened to me. Im not even sure if she realized i wasnt their. And every morning, before i leave for work, Ill will kiss her, and in doing so, will wake her up so i can tell her i love her, and to be safe, and to have a good day. This morning, i didnt get a word out of her. Not about her wishing me a good day, not about me not being in the bed all night, NOTHING. after 11 years, i do believe that she loves me, but im afraid she does not want me anymore. That she loves me because of the time we’ve spent together, and the comfort that comes with it, but their seems to be no desire in me anymore. This past week i have tried to test some things, and be a little more agressive with my feelings. Randomly grabbing her and hugging her, massaging her neck, back, and body out of nowhere, and kissing her deeply, looking her in the eyes and calling her beautiful, and gorgeous, and sexy, and I hardly get a response. Its usually the same thing I give her, i will barely get back. if i tell her i love her, i will get “love you too”, back. basically whatever i say, she’s a voice recorder, and says the same thing back. I will text her randomly to tell her i love her and/or miss her, and im lucky to get a response. Like last night, i tried everything i could think of to make her feel special and sexy and loved, and she barely even looked at me. I felt like i couldnt even get the time of day from her. its like the house, I put in so much, and i feel like im just here to make her feel good, and make her life easier, but me? ehh, whatever. I want to be on a team with her, but i feel like its just me. And i dont know what to do. I love her, I love being with her, and I love making her happy. It makes me happy. like life fufillment happy. but now i get nothing. I cant make her happy, no matter how hard i try, and i feel as if she could care less about how im feeling. I love her, and i want this to work. I want a wife, i want a happy loving family, i want my old girlfriend back. I miss my best friend and how we used to do everything, and spend every minuted of everyday together, and that was all we needed. Thats all we wanted. I dont want to feel like a stranger in my own bedroom. I want her back
Hi there mate,
I read what you wrote and it was very touching and very sweet. You sound like a genuinely kind hearted man with no prejudice or ego, you sound like a good person who deserves the best. 11 years is a very long time to be with someone and this article is about depression, I’m assuming your girlfriend has depression? If so then depression could be an extremely big factor in making your partner feel distant and removed. Depression has a way of eating away at all aspects of life and love and as mentioned in the article it can warp your view of the world drastically and warp your view of loved ones. Perhaps your girlfriend is becoming depressed in the change she has experienced in a new house, her expectations perhaps too high and her ideal world altered by the presence of your parents (something that does not fit her comfort levels?). The thing about depression is that it can make small worries far far bigger than they actually are and those issues compound as a result. My suggestion would be if your girlfriend does has depression to work out a way that she can understand how it effects her actions and her ability to enjoy things. Depressed people become obsessed with certain things that she knows are working, personal and easy, that’s why she draws. A relationship is far more complicated than that, it has the possibility to become full of pressure and worry and it sounds like she is simply removing herself from the worry. Make sure you understand that and if possible try and make her understand it too. Lastly, this might be harder to hear but 11 years can make a relationship go a little dry at times I’m sure, if expressions of love aren’t working then it might be time to show her what she is losing out on if she is getting bored or thinking the grass might be greener. The constancy of a relationship can make you feel trapped if you are unhappy for an unexplained reason. So, my suggestion there is to live your life confidently and happily, don’t be needy or try too hard, let her know in a ‘I don’t care that much but you’re being extremely unappreciative of me’ kind of way that you won’t put up with that. Trying too hard to rectify something can paint it with desperation and confusion. Show her you won’t care if she stops caring, it will make her realise that you, a great boyfriend by the sounds of it, will not be there forever if she is neglectful of you. She may just need a shock to the system for her to realise how much she values being with you. Relationships ebb and flow and it sounds like yours has hit a point where a few unexpected and maybe undefined elements have played a part in making her feel lost. That feeling will only worsen if you try and do the same things. Reorient yourself and remain independent of her attitude and apathy. She will realise that there is no permanency to anything and in turn start to value you more as you are the one who has put up with her indifference, which if she is a mature person will realise that she is behaving in a difficult way and she will come back full of love. If this still doesn’t work, she may just need legitimate time alone to reflect and get perspective. By the sounds of it you are eachothers life partners and the beauty of that is that it is a difficult road to travel, sometimes you need your partner to take some time off travelling in order to realise they will do anything to catch up as you move forward.
From what you wrote, it’s obvious you know what the problem is.
No matter how close you are to your parents or how helpful they might be, it is unacceptable to allow them to stay without asking her first. Why should she be interested in projects around the house if she feels like it’s become your childhood home 2.0? To your point about intimacy: that also isn’t sexy.
She might be depressed, or not, but she is certainly disappointed and angry and hurt — and with good reason. This wasn’t part of the deal you two made, and it’s up to you to take the first step:
Draw some boundaries with your parents and return to the original plan: a house for the two of you to build a life. She had visions of your domestic tranquility and you deserve to explore them with her (and only her!). After you and your girlfriend get your home the way you want it, you can invite the parents over for a weekend to admire — not build — your nest.
That was my exact thought! If I were her, and I wasn’t asked about my SO’s parents staying that long, I would be very upset! Even asking that is a huge burden to put on someone!
This really touched me as I am going through almost the same thing in life right now with my wife. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for 3 years and have 3 beautiful children together. We to have had our up and downs like any relationship but have always got through on top and been happy. My wife was diagnosed with depression a couple years back and was prescribed medication to treat it but I find regardless of all that she still has her down times in life that bring us both down. She stays distant from me and acts like everything is fine but i know her and can sense when she isn’t her self. No matter how much I have tryed in the past and still try to make her realise the pain and hurt that has been caused and how much we have drifted apart, she still seems to think she isn’t happy with me. I love her so much and couldn’t bare to lose her so I fight like crazy to keep her happy but I find it pushes her away more that way. Some times being quiet and keeping to yourself seems to actually be the answer but than you feel helpless like you aren’t trying anything. I have found this the biggest struggle I have ever faced in my life and I know one day I will have my old wife back but for now I take it day by day and enjoy every smile and good day I get out of her. When you love a person it is amazing the things you will sacrafice and the amount of hurt and pain you will endure just to see them happy again. Nice to know I have others to talk to in times like these as I find my self lost at this point in time and scared to lose the woman in my life that means so much to me. Always here to talk.
My girl is very depressed and has been for a long time she has had alot of dramatic experiences but that is to much to get into, I try to help her through these problems but the more and more I try I keep feeling like there’s nothing I can do and it makes me want to go away from the situation consistently. Are relationship is seriously falling apart there is no intimacy anymore all I get is lashed at for doing things wrong in her eyes I know I havnt been much help in some cases I feel terrible about somethings but I feel that in those situations I just don’t understand and its causing me to lash back at her because I seriously do not know what to do I feel trapped because I want to help her but I feel like I’m digging my own grave at the same time in this I just need to know what i should try and do about this situation I’ve even gone to her mom about it and I feel like I should be able to handle this situation but I just am at my end and I need help
I want to thank you for this post. It really put a lot of things in perspective about my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years.
I couldn’t put my finger on why, but it just felt like we weren’t connected like we should be. Plus, he aggravates me because I can’t get him to take care of himself (hygiene, diet, etc.) or do chores, when that’s all I expect him to do (I’m the breadwinner and we live together). I feel like I don’t ask for much and yet I get nothing in return. Nothing we do or don’t do seems to matter to him; he’s more engaged by the computer than me. I’ve had a strong feeling in the last few months that I want to break up, but I haven’t because I love him and I don’t feel like I have a valid reason. I am lucky to have him and he makes my world better; I just worry that I don’t make his better.
Well, when we first started dating, we connected BECAUSE we are both depressed. I haven’t been to a therapist, and he used to go to one but hasn’t for years. We love each other so much, yet our shared illness doesn’t let us be happy. I’m prone to 1, 2, 3, and 7 while he’s prone to 5 and 9-11. But we’re both guilty of all of these points, to some degree or another.
This is a wake up call. We both agree we need therapy, but neither of us has acted on it. Now that I have the funds, it’s time. I’m confident that if we do that and apply ourselves to getting better we will have a long and happy relationship. We’re so compatible 🙂
Thank you!
I’m praying someone responds to this because I dont know what else to do. My wife has been dealing with depression and anxiety for the last couple of years. We’ve been together for almost 25, married for almost 20 and have four children. Five years ago my mom passed. I suffered through a tough time and basically lost my mom’s side of the family because of different issues, so it was a devastatingly difficult time. It took me a while to snap out of it, but I was depressed and Im sure, in the process, neglected whatever my wife may have also gone through in the loss. I never cheated on her, never lost my love for her, and thank her everyday.
Anyway, she became friends with another female about two years ago, right around her depression beginning. The woman she became friends with has a lot of baggage and is a very negative, needy person. My wife has, over time, completely immersed herself into their relationship, to the point where she often picks her over doing things with her children and myself. Nine out of ten times, she needs to have her friend accompany us on excursions, dinner plans with other friends, etc. I planned a beach vacation with my wife and children for two weeks, and she stated that it was too long of a period of time, that she needed her to come with us for a week at least for her to be able to come. We finally settled on four days. I’ve spoken to the friend and asked her to just give us space and time and to please back off a bit so we can build on our marriage, but she refuses. In fact, since I’ve spoken to her, she’s been more open to being with my wife, and when she isn’t, all they do is text each other.
I’ve gone to therapy with her, but the therapist was her therapist, and basically said after 6 sessions, that it will be more productive if she only sees her again from this point forward. My wife says she loves me, doesn’t want me to leave. She’s acknowledged that she’s depressed, how it’s a chore to get out of bed each day, that she doesn’t know why she’s like this. I just can’t understand how someone who claims she’s depressed can love to be with one person (her friend) and be totally consumed with what she’s doing, where she is, will she be upset if she is not included, etc, yet not be like that with her husband and children. I’ve even asked if it is sexual in nature between the two of them, and they have both said no. I am at the end of my limits. I know I deserve so much more, but I love her, and this would devastate my children.
My wife has been on medication for the past four months, but it has just made her indifferent. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is going on with her.
I understand women need other women to hang with, and men need male companionship. But there does need to be some time without the friends around. Something catastrophic must have happened to her that changed who she is if it was all of a sudden.
Maybe try asking her to cooperate with you and let her know you need her physically and emotionally to be your friend. That you are lonely without her.
Or if you have a male friend that you fish, hunt or have a hobby with. Start bringing them over all the time..while she has her friend over…3’s company, four’s a crowd…haha. See everyone’s reactions to it….Or hang out with your wife and her friend and be overly friendly to them, like another one of the girls, see if it annoys them..
Take your kids and go do something with them without her if needed and let her see you aren’t going to sit around and mope with her. Don’t let your kids suffer bcuz she doesn’t have her act together.
Be there for her if she has a breakdown, but I wouldn’t let her be manipulative with you and your childrens emotions.
Thank you so much for your reply… things have gotten better. I have done some of the things you have suggested and I pray that she realizes how important she is to her family.
Can anybody help me. My husband of 22 years changed from a loving attentative man in November last year to an addy blaming man. Over the last 8 months he has done some really bad things to me he has told me perhaps our marriage has come to the end of the line he has moved out he has kick me out of our home and we spent 1month apart. He has cheated on me with a women at work who is 26 and he is 47 I found this out when eventually he went to the docs and was diagnosed with depression. He was having a relation to the meds and his little fling came out I have stood by him throughout all this as I always knew he was ill. But I am struggling to come to terms with what he has done. Before he went to the docs I got stronger and decided enough was enough I asked him to move out and I decided to get on with my life without him he lasted 3 days then came back saying he was sorry and wanted to try again and take me away for a break unfortunately I had booked a holiday with a friend so said I couldn’t he moved back in on the Friday he took me out for breakfast Saturday am then took me to the airport at 12 I text him rang him and face time him hilts I was away. Then ( days into my holiday and with a week left to go he text,e to say he had made a mistake and couldn’t do it anymore. My god he ruined my holiday and my friends I have never been treated as bad in my life. It’s was just after that he went to the docs and depression was diagnosed. Then after that he admitted to the fling with he other women I’m trying to get over what he has done he is better with me now but still distant and not back to his old self. He has treated me so badly I am finding it hard to forgive him. We haven’t discussed this other women as I don’t want to make him feel any worse than he is as he is still not well but he has step kids older than her and he ha streamed the family so badly also that it’s so hard for me to just move on. I need to know when I should sit down with him and talk through what has happened and why without making him more depressed can anybody advise or has anybody been through the same as me please help
Reading this article speaks to me and tells me that I’m not alone. My wife suffers from depression and our relationship seems to constantly get worse. We’ve been married for nine years. When we first met and the year and a half we dated prior to getting married, she was pleasant, nice, charming and generally fun to be around. Once we were married, the mask fell off and it feels like I’m with someone totally different.
She won’t take medication or see a therapist. She says any medication will just interfere with any migraine meds she has to take, and there’s no way she wants to tell a complete stranger about her issues.
I feel that I take the brunt of everything. On some days I feel as though the only words she says to me are negative, critical things. On mornings when she wakes up in a bad mood, she acts angry, is non-communicative, and negativity just hangs in the air.
She is very controlling. Everything has to be done exactly the way she thinks they should be done. She never views something as just a different way, but the wrong way or her way, which in her opinion is always the right way. There are days when she makes me feel as though nothing I do is right.
She’s very self-absorbed and selfish. Every conversation is about her. She has certain expectations about how I should respond or actions I should do, and when I don’t do or say something in the way that she expects I should, then she gets angry and condescending towards me.
I often feel that I’m at a loss as to what to do. Her family knows how she is. Her father has told me before that I’m his hero and that if my wife didn’t have me, he knows she would be alone because no one else could deal with her.
It’s very hard because I have always been a naturally positive and optimistic person. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m never given any respect or courtesy, and always made to feel like I’m the bad guy. I work a full time job in the corporate world, do all the cooking, 98% of the cleaning, laundry, taking trash out, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, etc. My wife has a small business as a photographer working out of our home and has been very successful doing it. The only thing she does is her photography business, and taking care of our 2 dogs and 2 cats. If I ever say anything about her helping out, I get preached at about how much work she has, how tired she is, how little time she has, how stressed out she is, etc. The only contributions she makes around the house are projects that she takes on like cleaning out and rearranging shelves/pantry, whatever and the entire time I have to listen to numerous sermons about how I didn’t do something right, I should do such and such a certain way, etc.
I’m sorry this is so long. It’s just so draining. I feel like I’m slowly coming to the realization that the real courage doesn’t come from living with someone like this, but in making the decision to break free and not live your life being drowned by them.
Hi JD.
Reading your story was like I was reading that of my own, albeit that my wife and I havent been married for quite as long.
It can be, from my experience, a soul destroying thing to try and accomodate for all that a depressed partner can throw at you.
Luckily, my wife still has good days where she seemingly breaks free and for however short an amount of time it lasts until she gets pulled under again, it reminds me who I fell in love with and why.
I truly think that you were right in the first instance before your realisation, that the courageous thing to do would to be to hang in there. Love conquers all.
I can really relate to this, as the woman in the situation. I’m even a photographer, but I spend most of my time looking after our 3 year old who has cystic fibrosis. I have a kind of cyclical depression, which I have recently identified as most likely being PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder- an extreme type of PMS), I am literally going to see the doctor today about it. I think this affects more women than we realise, and I would encourage people to check it out if they are experiencing symptoms like what you both describe. I am reluctant to use anti-depressants as I don’t think they solve the base problem, but there may be contraceptive pills that help, among other things. After I ovulate, I am back to being a wonderful person again- for about a week to 10 days, then it’s back to migraines, moods, and depression. It’s a pretty awful cycle to go through, and I really feel for my partner who gets the brunt of it, I really hope I can find a solution.
That’s like my story too.
Only I have 4 kids with her and we’ve been married 15 years.
I keep thinking that our relationship should be more positive than negative. She spent a month in the hospital a year ago for depression, and our relationship hasn’t been much fun since. And it’s very hard on our kids to be around a depressed role model I think. But what do I do? She’s their mom.
My biggest irk is that after the hospital, and to some extent before, she has had no desire for sex and makes it clear that “until she feels loved enough and all her needs are being met” that it’s not happening. Try meeting those criteria with a very depressed person! Futile.
I think her neglect of me is a form of abuse, whether it’s from depression or not, and I feel like if I stay with her I’ll have a difficult miserable life and die young. I know she associates me as the cause of a lot of her problems, unjustified in my opinion. But I think if I left she might find healing using me as a scapegoat. And I would find a happier life too.
Because we have these kids I have tried to just take the emotional punches and stay on with her. I’m not sure even that’s the best idea for them.
My husband of 30 years is suffering a very severe depressive episode. He left Feb 2014, was in an affair and has done and said some pretty horrible things. He has tried to return several times only to run off again or start his affair again. During those times he was home it was horrible. He was very self involved, all about him, saying and doing things to hurt me and our daughter on purpose. This is not the man I was married to. The break came after his mother died.
The last attempt that he made at coming home I had to ask him to leave. It was the hardest thing ever. But the abuse that is inflicted when depression hits your partner can be overwhelming. I felt I had to protect myself emotionally even though asking him to leave was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
He is asking again to come home. We have spent some time together but already he is back to his abusive state and I have had to cut off contact. As a wife who loves her husband so very much, this choice is just killing me. He has moments of clarity but will not get help so they are fleeting.
I didn’t want to walk away but I could not let him stay and behave the way he does in front of our child.
I feel so very guilty, but flaunting his affair in our face, belittling us, lying, being aggressive, blaming me for everything and not taking any responsibility was draining me. Our daughter needs a parent who is able to function reasonably and if I had let him stay I think I would have joined him in depression. I’ve barely escaped it as it is.
This illness destroys families. The pain it leaves in it’s path is almost unbearable. When my husband has that moment of clarity I can see the pain in his eyes and face. That look will always haunt me. That I am capable of walking away from the person I love most when he is so lost is just the lowest feeling ever. But I have no choice. I just hope one day he will get help.
I have major depression and experienced all of these problems through relationships in my 20’s. I dated 3 successful college graduates. Once they found out I took an SSRI all three said I didn’t need medication. It hurt their egos dating a woman with a problem. When I quit like an idiot all 3 times these 11 problems you mention would flare up and it would be over. I finally have a partner who doesn’t shame me it badger me for my condition.