Depression sets relationship traps for both partners. Everything can change quickly between two people, and it’s crucial to be able to spot these changes as soon as possible.
Here are 11 signs of the illness that seem perfectly designed to undo the bonds of closeness.
Humor, talking and doing things together, sharing special moments – they’re all gone.
In their place are avoidance, anger, blame and isolation.
Two Sides of Depression
Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side.
It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they’re feeling. The person they’re closest to takes the brunt of their anger. The first several symptoms in this list describe these behaviors.
On the passive side, the abuse is turned inward. It’s the depressed partner who’s the center of every problem. They’re self-absorbed to the point of losing the ability to relate to others in a realistic way.
Instead of denial and blaming everyone else for their pain, they focus on their own worthlessness, even to the point of thinking constantly of suicide as the only way out.
Many of these relationship traps converge and become all the more damaging through their combined impact. The specific behaviors can emerge in dozens of different ways, and here I’ve drawn partly on what I did when depressed. The experience could feel very different in your relationship.
The Relationship Traps
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Irritability.
Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.
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Control.
When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. Even the flow of spontaneous feeling in the family can be threatening. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they’re desperate to preserve. That order, however, is completely arbitrary and can vary from moment to moment, depending on their own feelings. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.
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Blame.
The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ruining their lives and ignoring their needs. They keep lists of their grievances and obsess about the way they’re frustrated at every turn. Their partner is selfish and never tries to help. At work, they’re driving them crazy. Someone else is always at fault. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.
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Abuse.
Contempt and rejection become common. There is rebuke in every glance. Dismissive remarks about their partner’s appearance and attempts at conversation become the norm. With verbal attacks, they try to manipulate partners into believing they’re the ones in need of help and cause them to question their own judgment. At social gatherings, the depressed partners can make cutting remarks and ignore their partners while engaging happily with everyone else. At the worst, verbal abuse can even escalate to physical attacks.
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Addiction/Escape.
Trying to escape the pain of depression can lead to addictive behavior. Alcohol can dull all feeling. Drugs, pornography, affairs or fantasies of escaping to a new life can all provide temporary emotional highs and arousal to replace the despair or lack of deep feeling depression can cause. Real intimacy and relationship seem remote and disappear in the need to get away from the reality of the illness. The well partners can’t get through to them and can face angry denial that there’s anything wrong with them.
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Emotional Withdrawal.
Suddenly a depressed partner can feel like they’re not there. Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life. Nothing seems to get through to them. It’s as if they’ve disappeared. A relationship becomes impossible when it’s all one way.
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Obsessive Thinking.
It’s often called ruminating, but I prefer to call it obsessive thinking. That gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they’ve ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn’t make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person. They’re always close to the surface and provide reminders every day of how inadequate they are. These thoughts are a constant distraction from any effort to connect with a partner. They’re lost in these memories of everything they’ve ever done wrong and can never set right.
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Isolation.
Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left. Even when not so desperate, they may want to do things alone that they used to do with their partners. They may work all the time and avoid the pressure of being with people. The well partner is deserted. There’s literally no one there to try to relate to.
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Indifference.
Sometimes the sense of being overwhelmed or too despairing to face anyone is replaced by the inability to feel much of anything. The partner might say everything is fine, but there is no sense of real connection. Nothing stirs excitement. There’s no interest in sex. They may say they feel fine but have no interest in doing anything. They can be apparently quite sociable and at ease but can’t share anything deep or really make contact. Something is missing inside.
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Inability to Talk.
Depression can be so deep that the desire to talk and communicate disappears. The partner might be content to sit and stare for hours. If asked what’s wrong or if they want anything, there’s little response. Or if they’re still active, they may just find it impossible to talk about the depression they’re experiencing. They may say they’re trying to spare their partners the turmoil they’re going through. Or they can feel there is something so monstrous in them that they dare not expose it to anyone close. Nothing inside can be exposed through words.
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Shame and Worthlessness.
One of the hallmarks of depression is the overpowering sense of worthlessness. Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I’ve never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Everyone else may think I’m fine but they just don’t know what really goes on inside me. My partner couldn’t possibly love an idiot like me. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.
It’s hard to imagine a more complete inventory of weapons for destroying relationships. Even one or two would be like poison, but depression often brings them all together. They may not all occur within a single episode, but any of them can arrive without notice.
In future posts in this series, I’ll discuss how both partners can deal with these destructive changes and try to survive depression together.
How has depression affected your relationships? Have you watched a partner disappear in this illness, or have you been the depressed one imposing pain on your partner?
Image by pumpkinmook at Flickr
My husband and I just read your article and it hit home so hard he cried. You see he has been shutting me out for several years off and on. Intimacy, sex, was far and few between–he would say it was him not me. He began to watch TV a lot, withdrawing, and just there. I noticed his changes, more so with us intimately, but never thought it was depression. December of 2013, he lost his mother (she was 89)–my husband was 55. This was very hard, since it was his only living parent. He showed his feelings at the funeral, but not afterwards, nor did he talk about it. As time went on, he began to withdraw from me even more, to the point that in September of 2014 he would hug me at a distance and kissed me as though I was his aunt. I asked what was wrong and he told me he didn’t have feelings for me…that ended with him crying later saying he loved me and it was him–he then lied that he had a porn addiction bc truly he was having an affair. I found this out in early April 2015. He came to me after I kicked him out and said how he was so in love with me, always had been, always will be. He said it wasn’t him that had the affair, it was a very confused person, one who couldn’t make decisions, wasn’t clear at anything, couldn’t feel anything, in a funk, etc….of course I couldn’t buy that. We’ve gone to intensive couples therapy where our therapist said that my husband was suffering from depression and has been –shutting people out, especially me. Again, I respected depression but not an excuse to have an affair (BTW–the person he had the affair with sought him out, worked on him for several months before he submitted to her pursuits) bc it’s a choice. He has told me that it wasn’t emotional, she said nice things that made him feel good, then it got out of hand, and he followed everything she said, and then he didn’t know how to get out of it, plus if he told me (bc I confronted him and asked him if he was having an affair with this person bc she would post inappropriate things on his facebook for a married man) he knew he would lose me bc I would leave him for doing this so he lied to cover up, keep us together and he continued the affair bc he didn’t know how to get out. So we have been trying to recover, going to intensive couples therapy, reading, etc. The one thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was this feeling of confusion, he couldn’t get out–didn’t know what to do, was confused, in a fog–and that he said it was just to hear those nice words–the sex was simply an act–no passion or attraction in this affair except to get the rush, and feel good about himself for the time. Your article helped me to understand the inside thinking of the depressed mind for the passive depressive state. When I had my husband read this yesterday, he wept–saying that is what I felt, that is what I did, I was so depressed and I didn’t know that I was depressed until our therapist said I was depressed, but didn’t truly understand all of it until I just read a synopsis describing me and my thinking/feeling. Although I know we have a long journey–I feel like your article has allowed my husband and I to connect with a true understanding…I’ve shared it with others too, in hopes it helps them. Thank you!
Well , I am not in a relationship anymore. I have broken up with my ex several months ago , but stopped talking to him two months ago , but I contacted him again on his birthday on June 27th to find out that he became a whole new person !! He has never been that cold and rude with others. It’s like he does his best in order to keep his response as short as possible. Most of the things mentioned in this article , I have experienced it with him and today he asked me ” why I still know a bad person like he is ? ” I kept trying to convince him he wasn’t like that in my eyes , yet he kept warning me from talking to him saying that he will cause me harm and I will regret it , I know it was his depression talking not him , I knew he was trying to push me away , I wanted to stay by his side but I had to leave because I already suffer from anxiety and his words triggered it. I really wanna know how i could help him , though ? he doesn’t live in the same city , and when I tried to suggest treatment , he completely refused he was like ” Do I seem to you like I need help ? I am fine ” I don’t know but I never saw this aggressive as I did today. I am really worried about him.
Hi, thought I was alone,
I hope you find this reply useful if not just don’t read it. I haven’t tried sharing about my relationships but I seem to be having the exact same issue your ex has.
I’m suffering from a kind of post traumatic stress disorder that I can’t seem to get help for no matter whom I ask because mental healthcare in Asia is just lacking and many people don’t understand that young people are -not- emotionally immune somehow to the things around them.
Anyways I have an endless storm of problems for the past decade stemming from my father and elder brother (both big salary earners) leaving the family leaving me to try and care for my elderly mom alone and I haven’t even finished school at that point.
After many years of trying to slog through school (barely passing) and doing shit low paying jobs I seem to have accumulated a lot of rude habits and generally feel that the only thing keeping me together is anger and I generally act like the symptoms presented in this article.
I also do warn people to stay away from me because I have problems with associating friends with enemies or letting my work stress get into the home or personal relations. I also don’t talk about my problems because a lot of people where I live have a culture of pretending to help by asking what’s wrong then spreading it to the whole world to name and shame.
So yeah, I am a bad person – but back on track to your issue, I think what I appreciate most is my girlfriend being very tolerant of me. I wish I can thank her more for the kind of concern you are showing but I can’t find a way to express it to her. Because while we were just pursuing a casual relationship her family made up all kinds of stories about me (they never talked to me at all) to infuriate me and keep me out of the house, so to speak.
But her listening to me and saying nice things definitely helps calm me down and makes me think of what I’m really working towards regardless how ugly the world is. In my opinion the fact that his anger… is somehow keeping him together, is nothing out of the ordinary. People facing excessive stress kind of act this way and the thing people like me appreciate in depression is someone saying they understand and they respect my desire for distance and not to force oneself to try and help.
The fact is if someone took my anger away from me I would not be able to handle the kind of nonsense people throw on my plate all day long. That’s all I have left to keep things under control and I guess it’s human nature we keep simple effective measures at hand to “protect” oneself. I know it sounds sick but… remember there’s no help for me here not in this country and not in stupid Oriental culture that operates in some kind of one track mind stereotyping everyone and desiring to let their neighbors die alone.
Thank you so much for taking time to write me this ! I am really sorry about what happened to you but you know , there’s no strong person with an easy past. I really admire and appreciate standing by your family and looking after them and handling such great responsibility alone ( though as you have right towards your family you still have rights towards yourself , and you should make sure you look about yourself as well ) I know words are way more easier than action , but one should at least do their best in order to keep themselves physically and mentally healthy. I can really relate to your words as Mental Health Care where my ex and I live lack many things as well. So , I doubt they can be effective but as the saying goes ” If you never try , you’ll never know ” so they might make us feel better and improve our mental health for just a little bit at least , but I am sure they can do something. They might not be fully efficient but they are aren’t completely useless as well.
Concerning my ex , I believe he has been facing a lot of stress for the past several months or maybe for almost a year now. This stress and pressure overexerted all his energy that it would deprive him from sleep. I remember seeing him awake for almost all the day or most of it and just getting veryyy few hours of sleep and his exams were literally endless. All that affected our relationship of course because at that time we could barely talk for 5 minutes straight , and I am not actually exaggerating. Anyway , I remember him complaining about this a lot to me. Despite of how terrible felt because of him being distant and that time , I had been always supportive , tolerant and there for him anyway . He is the most one that knows that among all the people he knew in his life , I had been the most understanding one. Though his words were so triggering to my Anxiety ( I can’t help that , he knows that this behavior can be an enough reason for me to cut off my contact with people , yet he did so ) , the only thing that made me feel a bit comfortable was when he told me ( If I wanted to harm you I would have done it already. But you’re not on my list and you won’t ever be on it. But always stay away of bad guys though “including himself ” ) Whenever I said that if that what he wants , then I will respect his decision. He would just say that whether I stay or not , that’s MY own choice , he has nothing to do with it and he doesn’t push me or force me to do anything ( i think he doesn’t wanna be blamed for me leaving him , so he kept emphasizing that it was my choice , though it really wasn’t i did that because of him )
But I managed to keep a distance and help him by praying for him since that is all what I got , well I might secretly try to stalk him to know his updates or whether he is okay or not because that’s all what matters to me.
I am so sorry for typing all that , i know that my reply is full of insignificant details. But my real question is :
1- Was it the right thing to do when I stayed away of him and stopped offering help after he warned me ?
2- If so , then should I just cut ALL my contact with him forever ? or shall I just keep a distance but still ask about him every now and then ?
Hi again,
I’m glad the reply reached you so quickly, although your reply was from a few weeks ago I found it perhaps the most relevant one to me although I’m on the opposing end of things. Your insight and observations are definitely most welcome but more on that later.
To answer your query, asking if it’s the right thing to do to stay away, I would stand for you on that one.
As funny as it sounds “safety is no. 1 priority” in basically everything we do including a relationship. Even a non-romantic one. Why do I say this?
Different people have different levels of needs, according to theories of psychology as understood today. If a person feels threatened until they can no longer function, it’s very possible that even love isn’t a priority for him or her, unless you can get rid of the overriding danger – I believe the concept of love is actually overruled when there are for instance, physical dangers, critical financial burdens, or for your ex’s case, the pressure to score in exams first.
There’s two things we can take away from this observation, one is, the exams are his no. 1 stressor here and it is actually an admirable thing that he is such a focused person. He has perhaps been brought up to think that sometimes in life, he has only one chance to get it right and is thus focusing all his attention on his grades. To him, academics at least for that difficult time are going to be the no. 1 priority, even above his own mental and physical health.
I am not exactly criticizing him, but rather the opposite. I had recently recovered from two major setbacks to my career. First, as a legal executive I became the scapegoat for a market downturn (don’t ask why ha!) and my employers thought I would be the perfect person to blame, even if, yes, in the grand scheme of things I’m at the same level as the junior secretaries there. Gave me no end of insomnia which affected sleep in turn affected moods negatively, etc.
Thankfully one day I just snapped and walked out of there without guilt, became an IT engineer, huge international sporting event came up, management was incompetent, resulting in me becoming a team leader taking charge of IT support and logistics in a whole cluster of sports venues – duty hours for me became 4am to 2am plus the stupid Oriental management again had a liking for bullying and threatening their own workforce making for a potential Hunger Games style revolution if not for my going overtime and solving their nonsense for them.
In both instances my relationship with my friend deteriorated because I became irritable to the point that I absolutely do not wish to talk about the things that go on in my workplace. She doesn’t have work experience and often makes ridiculously selfish and rude remarks on the kind of things I experienced. I told her if I had to teach her to say nice things it’ll be better if she plain didn’t look me up at all, as although I quite despise the Oriental way of corporate management doing nothing to fix things until they blew up completely, they are actually trying their best to keep things moving amid pressure from the organizing committees and unexpected situations developing as the Games progressed.
Ditto when I was told by my manager in the law firm to pick up his phone call on his behalf, and 10 seconds later he was within spitting distance shouting and screaming at me to put down the phone – I would have appreciated discretion and professional respect that I nearly reported this “senior” lawyer to the police, but no, she just asked for all the details then proceeded to declare that this was amusing to her, period. As bad as my depression/PTSD is, making a joke out of what I’m dealing with in the workforce is plain bad taste and I would just reply in kind, saying it’s effing ridiculous I just lost my future (again) because someone decided I was his punching bag for the day.
The workplace was no longer safe and despite counseling the employer continued to act “off” and I walked out the next week after taking an additional months’ pay.
As for my friend and I – the fact that I have my angry episodes makes me unpopular in her family. But that’s not my problem – they have been disapproving of me ever since I showed my face a long time ago – there was no romantic notion at all because my main goal was teaching an autistic girl to develop and make use of creative talents, and use her positive reaction to science and technology to score consistent A’s each semester, some people would *specially ask me by whispering in my ear* if there was some love affair between us and start gossiping behind my back. I’ve had vacations ruined from this blackmail so we often *pretend* to be utterly and completely rude towards each other (on purpose!) but if anyone asks they can always pull us aside and we’d say there’s no argument at all and this is how we communicate – welcome to Aggressive Negotiations 101! We find since people will misunderstand us and fabricate stories of us doing illicit things, we’re one day going to use anger to solve the problem once and for all!
And yeah, that’s why she and I still talk one on one and we are going to insist if anyone has a problem with us both they should learn to call me personally. Or I will be really displeased!
But back on topic – I’m thinking you could use the same strategy to find common ground between yourselves – exams thankfully come with a great stress reliever at the end when all the burning midnight oil has suddenly become unnecessary as it’s all over. His dedication to his grades could be something worth talking about and congratulating, I’m sure he would be very happy at a young lady coming to him telling him about his grades – focusing on his hard skills and hopefully neatly going around his emotional vulnerabilities. Men after all are focused creatures under stress and tend to not want to talk about “how they feel” or if “they’re ok” when there’s some big goal or challenge ahead of them.
In this I don’t think you need to cut contact with him, but when things are calmer between yourselves, I would in your shoes try to probe abit if he’s open to talking about what he said last time. An opener such as “you got really angry at me last time, and I was very scared. Do you still hate me?” – might be a completely over the top conversational trap but I’m sure you can adapt it and get a litmus test of his moods and whether you’re equipped or able to assist him in his next quest!
Sorry I don’t have a lot of practise with handling sensitive emotions, but I thought I might, once again openly share some of my current problems and why the heck do I say anger is my best defence because some people don’t listen when I’m under fire and need time to fix things ,or even because I am going to get a bad rep no matter what because I live in Asia but I don’t look like any of the locals here and that gets me wrongfully stereotyped (I thought it’s supposed to be a cultural melting pot, but no, I have to fake an accent from some other racial minority to get any sort of recognition / approval).
Yeah , I check my mail so frequently and I really hoped my reply would reach you quickly and I am glad it did.
It seems that a lot of people give you a hard time whether in work or social life. I am sorry you have to deal with all that. Completely knowing how you feel and is what makes me face some difficulty in finding the right words to say , but I really hope things get better for you soon. I know that not being understood and having someone to belittle the amount of hardships you face is pretty annoying , but we’ve all been there and we have done that to others at least for once ( whether intentionally or not ). But guys , if people won’t stop talking nor making up stories out of no where , why would you care about what they say ? I know doing this is hard , but it would make life way more easier though. You know what , I really envy those who are even-tempered , I find them lucky to be honest !
You know , I was so hesitant about talking to him again on his birthday. I really preferred staying away and what made me feel more comfortable about it was that at that time we did end things in the most respectable and good manner. ( I don’t know why but If i had to end my relationship with some people , I always prefer to do it in a good manner. Good endings / goodbyes are so important to me ) I believe this is why I always feel guilty for choosing not to talk to him after what he did last time , though I did my best to make sure I was good and nice till the end. But yeah , you’re right about saying that safety is no.1 priority and to be honest , I will always feel so worried and anxious whenever I would talk to him now , so I guess it’s better that way. I know that our relationship at that time wasn’t his priority and because I cared about his studies ( because after all , it’s his future that I was going to share him in back then ) so yeah , I had been both tolerant and patient. But because things were really hard for us at that time , we both agreed that he was too busy to be in a relationship.
I don’t really think it’s that simple. By the end of the last semester he told me he decided to give up because all his energy was drained , he reached to the point where he stopped caring about his future. I asked him to tell me how he did when he knows his results and he said he would , yet he didn’t actually do so and when I asked him again he said he didn’t wanna get his results nor didn’t he wanna know them. He’s already in his vacation but his mental condition and insomnia is still as bad as ever or even worse. I am 100% convinced now , that being beside him won’t help especially that we’re living in different cities and I don’t get to see him. I can’t offer much of help while being distanced.
No , not at all your replies really helped ! Thanks a lot for sharing this to me and taking time to read my comment in the first place and reply to it. You have no idea how much time I spent looking for someone who understands to help me in this and from what you told me about what you experience you helped understand what my ex is going through and why he acts that way. I would still prefer to keep a distance from him though. Anyway , i told him i would be there whenever he needs help and i guess that is all what i could do.
Thanks for your reply again – it’s really helpful to get a fresh perspective on things and I’ve thought through the points you mentioned, about ignoring the annoying people instead of responding to them in the manner of a typical Army drill sergeant.
I used to be the victim of a lot of gossip from my elementary school days; that was completely harmless and probably unavoidable considering I quite disliked the way other boys had little respect for authority and for women, so my parents taught me to simply endure and not give in to any provocation.
But when I grew older I realized the kind of treatment I’m getting was actually causing severe damage to my income and my career prospects. Since, whomever’s doing the gossiping usually happens to be near to the paymasters, I can get forgotten at the bottom of the organization chart while someone else takes credit for my achievements and moves up.
That all changed when I was exposed to workplace bullying in a female working environment with male-dominated management (a quite chauvinistic law firm). It was a place where absolutely no tolerance should be shown to gossipmongers who abuse their position, affect others’ peace of mind in the workplace and make a fool out of themselves in company functions (since everyone knows who the real performers are meeting clients and doing the real case work). And since then I’ve run a tight ship not really letting anyone close.
I can make friends of both genders fine and certainly enjoy a good intimate frienship, but the only people I really trust to share my mind with, are people on the far side of the world. Like your good self, you seem to have a good grasp of my situation, and my motivation for being as I am, and able to analyze the root cause and see that there are indeed simple and very useful solutions to work around them.
I don’t have rapport with “real” people near me, because local culture seems to make people indoctrinated to accuse others of wrongdoing by default, blame them for their suffering and generally make an ass out of even simple conversations (Yes, like belitting me when I’m trying to work, study & pursue a romance at the same time, omg, I’m not young anymore lol)
I do thank you for taking the time to read my no doubt quite large and furious sounding posts. Honestly talking to you, and a few other people I’ve met on chatrooms this week has done * a great deal * to remind me that yes, there is humanity and civilization out there somewhere!
I’d love to keep in touch somehow without spamming this chat comments but no idea if posting my email addy is even allowed here.
But anyways – on your ex. It’s normal to be anxious about checking one’s exam results. Especially the way he went “balls to the wall” (ahem, that’s “full throttle” in Air Force jargon) in making the effort! He’ll need to get ahold of himself eventually, and as a man, let’s say we do have our usual ways of stress relief that can break him out of that temporary setback.
Even small things like playing a video game, riding a bike or taking a brisk drive in the countryside can be a huge inspiration to a depressed man, although I don’t recommend the latter unless he has discipline and a lot of nice open roads (ahem, safety again lol)
Hey again ! 🙂
The only reason I would think people would do that is that you seem to be a successful person in your career , or you may be more hard-working than other. I don’t know but I don’t see why would anyone care to get someone down unless that person is already ahead of them or there’s a possibility that this person would be and take their place in the future ?! Of course , everything in the world has limits and when gossiping and people’s talks and stories start to threaten your career , then a firm reaction must be indeed taken but that seemed to have affected your personality in general that anger became your perfect response to everything in life , even to the smallest ones. You know , a little indifference is always good ( for the sake of your inner / mind peace ) !
Thank you so , I am glad I helped a bit 🙂 and yeah I can relate to your words as the most people who really care about me and can be trusted are thousands of miles away , I don’t get to see them but once every few years or something. But I am grateful for having them in my life or meeting them in the first place , so it’s fine I wouldn’t complain about the distance much.
You don’t have to thank me at all 🙂 Though , I am aware that bad people exist in this world and we can’t help but deal with them sometimes , I never knew they could be so many ! Luckily , I haven’t met much of them and I could avoid and keep a healthy distance with the ones I got to see. But even with those I had to deal with , I had always been nice to them , so they don’t just focus on me that much ( not because of fear though , it’s more because of the nature of my personality but you know what , i find it wise to win over such type of people to your side at least to keep them ” tamed ” if I can use that expression. )
I would love keeping in touch as well but don’t know what is considered acceptable here. Got twitter or something though ? 😀
Well concerning my ex , I hope he would be able to overcome that setback ( though I sometimes wonder whether he really treats everyone that way or is it just me ?! )
You have just reminded me of the thing he is managing to do ( he wanna buy a motorbike ) but I don’t really think he is the type who would follow instructions and stuff as I believe most guys find fun in taking risks and so does he , which makes me worry about that issue more.
Hey I just wanna let you know I got your reply by email, although I think here the message got cut off or deleted soon after you posted.
I respect the admin’s decision to cull any post with web addresses or personal contact info for obvious reasons, but I think here I should petition for a waiver. You really helped me through this week. I felt like crap having my relationship broken up by vengeful parents just because I act differently under pressure and I am of a difference race/culture.
I tried to make as many friends I could both offline and online but ultimately the cure for depression right now seemed to be trance music (lol the irony) and talking to my friends on the wrong side of the world.
I think we should deserve the chance to share our contact info for once here, since you’re subscribed to the thread, just maybe you can pick it off your inbox or something.
My email’s kennykoh84 at gmail and twitter is @ baconspaceprog
You can also try clicking my name and see if there are any hints for you to track me down!
Let’s keep up the banter and maybe we’ll find a way for you to help your ex better – a motorbike’s a great stress reliever and he might enjoy learning to maintain the machine by himself but it does need discipline especially if your country has little or no restrictions on bike horsepower or engine capacity. As far as I know from personal experience, starting off with a big machine is a terrible idea for a novice as a momentary mistake can have a lasting consequence. Lets hope he doesn’t go that far yet 🙂
Hey Kenny ,
I have already checked your twitter , but just to make sure the results were for an account called ” Les Toreadors ” ? that is you , isn’t it ? I have already started following you now.
But are you sure that the your email at gmal is correct though ? because I couldn’t find any results.
To be honest , I personally believe that motorbikes aren’t actually that safe especially where I live since traffic isn’t that great. So , the whole thing makes me worry about him but he won’t listen to me anyway.
I am so glad I helped , and I should thank you for helping me as well. I am looking forward to hearing from you !
Hey thought I was alone,
I sent an email off to John, the webmaster, but he’s probably flooded with personal requests (as per his guidelines) so I’m just putting my details here. Since I have your consent to keep in touch (and it would be really, really nice to get your opinion without a 1-2 days wait on comments approval) I had petitioned John to let us get in touch, and hopefully John would assist in emailing you or I our mutual contact details too.
If not I have my twitter link on the website here, earlier posts have my youtube channel link ( you can pm me there with a gmail account) if not just read the name here 🙂
Hope to hear from you soon, ma’am 🙂
Oh okay , I could find your gmail account finally 😀 Now , I have followed you on both !
Great, feel free to send me a mail or pm on twitter sometime. I have no idea where you are lol!
Nice talking to you once again and thanks for following up. I was feeling down for the whole of this week and it was nice to hear (read, rather!) a friendly voice.
I am glad I could help 🙂 🙂
This is by far the best article that I have ever read on this subject. My spouse pretty much suffers only from the aggressive side of depression where me and the kids are blamed for everything that is wrong in his world. We have been married for some time and I had hoped with age that perhaps it would get better. If anything, it has gotten worse. My spouse goes for days without even getting out of bed and speaking with anyone. it is taking a tremendous toll on the family. And when I suggest counseling, the response is that he is fine but I am the one with problems so I should go. And he drives himself further into depression by bringing up arguments from years ago that were never even important enough to argue over then. He wants to control everyone in the world around him. Everything has to be on a tight schedule, and if something strays from it, that’s another reason to stay depressed for days. I am sure within the next few days he will finally speak to me and just say he wants a divorce as usual since I have totally ruined his life. He has not held down a job in years. And when I mention that I am working two or three jobs to support the family, he argues that all I am interested in is money. How are we supposed to live and survive without someone paying the bills? Do you see any hope for this? Thanks to everyone else for sharing their painful stories. It makes you feel not so alone
Read relationship fallout. It is about the effects depression has on a partner. Please take time a realise that you deserve better. You deserve 100% love, commitmen, honesty and support from your partner. The reality is if they do not take any medications or seek counselling then it will continue a lifetime. Not only does it suck out the life of them if will you and your children. It takes a brave person to realise that your life is worth saving too. Your relationship is failing on every level and although you dont realise it there are many people out there for you. You need to tell your partner to get help and make a plan of the future. Also make a plan if it doesnt work out. Plan a and b. In time it helps as you will see there is a solution. Ive been there i wasted ten years and realised he never really cared he just couldnt and needed to be on his own or with someone that took it. Good luck. In time you will learn alot from it and can help others either way I hope it works out for you .
Help and advice needed! I have noticed my husband emotionally blocking me out. I dont feel his love. Confronted him and he said he had felt like this towards me for 6 months blaming me. I have my own issues yes and not always easy but this us a shock. I asked if he was depressed and he said no. He has work pressure and seem stressed. We have two kids under 5 and my whole life has collapsed. He said he would take time out and think what he wants to do, I cannot bare this. I feel I dont know him. He blames me for taking his independence, I had no idea. How will I manage to wait for him to dump me when I have two kids:( .
After reading all of these inputs I honestly don’t feel alone anymore. I have been going through this crazy rollercoaster ride with my 4 year girlfriend. After 7months into our relationship I had the chance to move to another country. The economy and job oportunity from where I’m from is horrible and I spent a full year without a job and this was breaking me. I was 25 and still living with my parents, so I felt useless. The chance came for me to go overseas but being in new relationship it was a very hard choice. I felt that I was putting financial gain as a first priority and family as second. Speaking to my girlfriend she helped and motivated me to not give up. So I went. We made expectations because this new country could open many doors for as well. So the first few months we chatted on skype everyday. We maintained a very strong relationship even though it was long distance. I went back and forth several times to see her and family and I surprised her once for Christmas when she completely believed we wouldn’t spend it together. Some time goes by and with much talk she decides to join me and I was thrilled! First few months were amazing, then all started going down hill. One morning she calls at work saying she is having heart palpitations and difficulty breathing. So, I jet out my job, hazard lights on and I am flying down the highway. Take her to the hospital and she does many many tests. Only thing noticeable was her iron count that was low but not anemic. She starts with the iron supplements and iron rich food but her mood and vitality are totally changed. We keep going for more blood tests and it showed that her iron levels were improving. She was always tired with occasional back paines, chest pains, shoulder pain and others…all of the above but never two at the same time. She called me again at work with another crisis and again I jetted to the hospital and they found nothing. That’s when it dawned on me and I realized that she was going through a sort of acute anxiety or depression. As soon as I suggested what I thought it could be I was immediately labeled the insensitive. That I don’t know what she’s going though or that I don’t care. Those accusations didn’t make sense to me because I did care and I did all that I physically and emotionally could. Things kept getting worse. I was being drained at work and couldn’t find peace at home. I naturally broke down as well but always tried to be strong. I would try to motivate her, go for walks , go for a drive, enjoy music together, I would put my hand on her chest and do breathing exercises to help her find peace. I would surprise her with a gift every once and a while to make her happy and see her smile. I went all out for her birthday to make it a great day and for one small miscommunication she yelled I ruined her day and slammed the door. I was going nuts, the more good I try to do the more slaps I got across the face. Naturally I began to fall in a dark hole as well and I somewhat closed myself. Many things I would say to encourage her, she would change it around by misinterpreting it and blaming me for it. It happened so many times. One day we exchanged some meaner words and she again went into the room and slammed the door. I go in after her and I’m expressing that all I want is to help and she is yelling for me to get lost. Out of pure frustration I punched the bed and a piece of wood broke off and hit her in the head. That one second moment will haunt me forever. Moment that she cannot forget. She eventually moved back to our home country but I went with her as her emotional state wouldn’t allow her to fly alone. The whole entire flight she held on to me as if at any second the plane would drop. I held her the whole time comforting her. I love her beyond words. I stayed a month with her in our country. She still didn’t feel better. Recently she bagan treatment and has started to feel better but now is questioning our relationship and exposing every single detail that I did wrong (or that she interpits as wrong). She says that I should have never of left the country and should have stayed with her. I told that I ll go back and live our lives together, but is she questioning my love for her and she is convinced that if we live again together that it will be the same thing again. Like I am the reason for her depression. Even though that bed thing happened a year ago she’s recently bringing it up stating that she feels afraid to live with me. I am hitting rock bottom. If I didn’t love her I wouldn’t summit myself to all this pain. I want her well and I want our life together. Why am I to blame for everything when all I ever did was help? She, out of the blue, shut completely off and the amorous words I was so accustomed to ceased completely. I believe her depression is taking over her. All she has is bad thoughts and blames me that I should have tried harder…
Besides these bad things, there are countless moments of an amazing relationship. Never have I been so close with someone but it seems those moments never happened for her….
Dear John,
Clearly you love this woman very much. However, her problems go beyond depression. She has difficulties with attachment and (although there isn’t enough information to fully determine the nature of the problem) most likely she has a personality disorder, such as Borderline Personality Disorder.Projecting or attributing emotions onto other people, rapid mood shifts, rejecting romantic partners for perceived slight criticisms or lack of empathy (yet while fearing abandonment by the romantic partner), black and white thinking, and intense, quick close relationships often idealizing the partner and then readily devaluing the partner are common characteristics if this problem.You might want to read the book “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”.
In any case, the gist is that the problems are within her and blamed on you and the relationship. In fact, the more you try to heal and help an individual like this the more she will blame you and make you responsible for everything she feels.You are NOT responsible for how she feels, and the more genuine sensitivity you have for her…the more it backfires for you and her.It’s very difficult getting over a relationship like this, especially when you do blame yourself.So information can help you to stop blaming yourself and I don’t know if they have this in your country (because I don’t know where you are) but you might attend a free, anonymous support group called “Co-dependence Anonymous), a support group for people who have learned to revolve around another person’s emotional problems. In an effort to be supportive, you can lose track of yourself and your own emotions, this group can help.Good luck to you and I hope that you can stop blaming yourself, and hopefully she soon will learn to do the same so she can actually start to recover . Best, Jeanmaire
I’m the depressed one. I’ve suffered from depression since I was a teen (32 now). I’m a woman that has been independent since I was 16 years old and quite possibly emotionally independent prior to. Nevertheless, I never thought I’d find anyone to love that loved me back and nearly 2 years ago, I did. However, my depression has flared greatly (I quit smoking last year) and I finally decided to take medication a few months ago and about a month in, I went off because of the horrible side effects. I’m still in therapy, but the anger, worthlessness and irritability are at a level I recall back when I “just wanted it to all go away”. Three weeks ago my fiance’ proposed to me during a time when I was trying to end the relationship. He doesn’t want to walk away from me and wants to stick through this with me. He has seen me make drastic changes and I think he believes that I’m capable of getting out of this depression. I don’t think I am. I do not want to take medication and I am sick of having to always be better than I already am. Nothing is ever good enough. Obviously I fit into each of the above, usually all at once. That said, I feel an obligation to let him go because he doesn’t deserve to be treated with such volatility and unfortunately when I’ve been triggered, I take it all out on him. Everything is always his fault. And, even when I recognize it’s the depression, I still feel anger towards him. It’s a sad cycle that I do not wish to continue. Yet, he will not allow me to let him go… I don’t really want to because I do believe he’s the love of my life, but if I can’t get better, I don’t deserve him.
I don’t want to live with a world of regret if I leave him, but I read a lot of people saying they’re better off without their depressed partner… Is this how he really would feel if I left him? It’s so hard to know what’s right and wrong.
Tears…
Ten months after the depressed love of my life suddenly left me, I definitely don’t feel like I’m better off without him. And I don’t believe he’s better off without me either.
Please have enough respect for your fiancé to know that if he didn’t want to be with you, HE would make that decision. Try to take him at his word, he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Please don’t throw that away.
You seriously just wrote my life, only I have a man who moved two streets away and won’t commit, but says all the right things and puts up with some pretty insane stuff. I can turn in an instant, because I don’t feel like I’m enough, or I think he’s up to something, or I think the energy just feels wrong, and we go through the cycle all over again. I blame him for everything, we had six months apart and while life improved and the depression improved, I really spent a large amount of that time ripped apart, I missed him like crazy, though now I tell him life was perfect and it wasn’t. This brain chemistry thing is cruel, some days I want to jump off a bridge, other days I feel like I can just feel the rope that I need to grab to pull me out. I’m so sick of having to go through steps and processes just to be able to get up and get ready for work in the morning. There has to be a better way than this. I’m so scared mine will leave me though, or meet someone else, so I push him away, it’s so so crazy, why haven’t we all worked out how to fix this depression thing. Drugs are hell, the side effects are horrendous. You’re in my prayers. This isn’t fun 🙁
I can relate to this so much. I’ve just been to the doctor who is getting me tested for progesterone deficiency and adrenal fatigue. It’s crazy how many women are reporting the same things, and I can’t help but wonder- how much of it is hormonally related?
I also wonder- I had a difficult childhood, and I think that affected my ability to be truly close to someone, to be properly attached. You mentioned you were independent at 16, was your childhood difficult too?
Thank you for this article. So many of the articles on depression focus on how to help your partner if they are depressed, but miss the fact that so often, partners are badly treated by their partner with depression. This was certainly the case with me, and I am glad you’ve helped me realise that my depression was not just passive, but also very aggressive. I was all of the above, and more. I also felt a huge sense of worthlessness, in the sense of, ‘why the hell would anyone want to be with me?’ and ‘why does anyone care about me, I’m not anything special’ and I think that this feeling probably fuelled a lot of my unreasonable behaviour. Combined in this, I couldn’t understand why my partner would accept my unreasonable behaviour. Clearly, it was because he loved me, cared for me, and wanted to dig the real me out from the depression – only now, 9 months on, with a lot of therapy, help from the doctors and space, can I see that was the case. I felt being with me was unfair on my partner and he deserved someone who would make him happy and wasn’t like me. I hope he is happy now, but I am very regretful of my past behaviour, sadly depression took a strong hold on me and helped me sabotage my relationship.
Hi Becky,
It sounds very much like you and I have very similar stories. I was also all of the above and more and can completely identify with feeling worthless, largely due to things that happened as a child that I’ve never really dealt with properly. It certainly contributed to my unreasonable behaviour, quitting my job, total lack of libido, my lying to her and my sex addiction… she put up with my depression and it’s fallout for a year until it became too much for her. I let my anger and aggression come out against her, both her kids and my own Son. Looking back now I can see that depression too complete hold of me too and that I ultimately sabotaged my relationship with the most wonderful woman. It’s gutted me. I had everything I wanted and now I have almost nothing.
Hi Rich,
Sorry to hear you have suffered too. Please don’t blame yourself, it is the depression that takes a strong hold on you and it’s really hard to see the way out. Back then, I didn’t even realise it was the depression at all, I thought that was just how things were – it’s only with hindsight that I can see it was the depression. Please work on yourself, I think sometimes with depression, sustaining a relationship can be too much pressure – when you can’t cope with daily life, trying to keep someone else happy is too much of a burden. Even if the person is trying to support you, the guilt can be too much and you need to just focus on getting yourself better. Are you seeking therapy and/or any medication? I am on meds and have been in and out of therapy. It does help, I’m a long way off, but I am getting there. I would perhaps speak to your ex partner, show her this article and show her that you realise your behaviour was bad, but you’re working on it and would like to make amends, even if just for friendship, until you’ve worked on yourself. Well, feel free to message me back. I know it helps to talk it through with someone who understands
Hi Becky,
It’s reassuring in a way that there is someone else who recognises AFTER the event that they had concealed depression, but I’m so sorry you’ve been through it/are going through it too. I’ve done plenty of searching for info and other people, but you’re the first that like me didn’t even realise they were depressed at the time. I also didn’t realise that most of the things I was filling my days with were coping mechanisms for it. Guitar, TV, DVDs, Art, Design, Adult videos, video games, Football with my boy, everything I was doing was either a coping mechanism to get some kind of artificial chemical high (adult vids) or a way of isolating myself from the rest of the family. But you’re right, I stopped being able to cope with day to day living, much less making her happy. I made decisions which made that even harder to do anyway (job) but I guess I did that because I was already depressed. I’m waiting for an appointment with a counsellor to come through, and I’m thinking hard about going back to my doc for meds, after having previously refused them…
Re my ex, she isn’t talking to me at all, and she wasn’t supportive in this sense, although she was the breadwinner. In fact she said afterwards that she suspected I was depressed (not that she knows what that means), but said nothing….It makes me wonder if she is depressed too, with all of her passive aggressive behaviours…
I’d really like to keep in touch with you, and share notes with a ‘kindred spirit’, on here?
Hi Rich,
It is reassuring to find someone who has been in a similar situation to you- someone who can just understand what you’ve been through and are going through. I definitely was depressed for a while without realising, and then hit a big big low where even brushing my hair was just too much for me to cope with – then I really knew and since then I’ve kept an eye on it, but before the big low, I was non the wiser. It can be very blinding and you take it as normal, but it is anything but!
I hope you manage to get an appointment with the counsellor, I think that just knowing you have an appointment can help more than anything else. I was very unsure about meds for a long time, I felt like there was nothing wrong with me and I just needed to try harder and that by accepting meds I was taking the mick out of people who really did need them. (Looking back I realise I was one of those people who really did need them!) I also worried that if they didn’t work, I’d have no back up plan or safety net – I would have tried everything. Luckily for me they have helped a lot.
If your ex wasn’t supportive, it sounds as though she is not the right sort of person to be in your life. I know that is easier said than done, and harsh when you obviously have feelings and spent a lot of time with her. But the last thing you need is someone unsupportive as well!
It would be great to stay in touch, it’s helpful to share experiences with someone who gets it! Not sure how though?
Hi Becky, if you wanted to stay in touch it would be great. I could really do with someone who knows about it, to talk to. email? skype?
Hi Rich,
Sorry for the delay, I didn’t get a notification and just came back on here and saw your comment. I’m happy to email – what is your email address and we can correspond that way. Take care!
Hi Becky,
No worries. Glad you came back! My email is rbougaardt@outlook.com. Hope to speak soon and hope you are ok.
Rich
Hey Becky will you help me. What kind of help did you seek? I have trouble staying with the one who cares for me it’s like I can get people close then push them away within a year and that makes me even more depressed. I act irrational and I’m confused on the relationship all the time I always find something to make a excuse on why I don’t need a relationship right now. That I need to find myself before I can spend forever with you. I know something’s wrong with me. I just want to grow old with someone one day not alone.
Hi Claire,
I’m really sorry you are having a tough time. I was going to counselling – specifically for relationships and I am also on anti-depressants and have been for a while now. I think you are right in that you need to be happy and find yourself before you can be with someone else. I unfortunately am no longer with my partner that cared for me. I think for a long time I didn’t realise I was depressed, and then I found it too hard to look after myself, let alone someone else in the relationship. He did so much to care for me, but even that made me worse as I felt guilty that he was so kind and I was being so irrational. In the end, it was better for him that I left the relationship, and my counsellor suggested that I need space to deal with everything, and I wouldn’t get better if I was in that space. Who knows if I had stuck around, if it would have helped. I am slowly getting there, but I still have really tough days. I think it’s important to realise you’re on the path to getting help now, just by seeking out this site, and that’s so positive. It will take a while to get you to good, and you’ll have good and bad days, but you’re on the right track. I am here for you, totally understand what you’re going through. Good luck, it’s hard, xx
Is there any hope of the depressed person getting help and ending these relationship traps? Or should the partner of the depressed person just leave the abusive relationship? I’m depressed and I’m finally getting help for it after my husband left. I didn’t realize how bad things were, so that was a huge wake up call for me. I was never irritable before I was depressed, and I realize that I did a lot of blaming as my depression got worse. I reached out for medical help for my depression, and though I’m heartbroken, I’m feeling better now. I’m just afraid that it’s too late to save the relationship because the damage has been done.
Hi AW not sure if you’ll ever see this but…. I wish there was hope for the depressed person getting help. I was/am that depressed person, who had concealed depression. When I was in the relationship I think there was little chance of me realising I was depressed, unless she had punched me in the face and told me so, which of course she never did. My partner left, and I didn’t really realise how bad things were, I think depression blinds us to reality. My downfall has brought about a HUGE wake up call. I too was a ‘normal’ guy before my depression came back, wasn’t angry or irritable and took responsibility for my own effects on others. At some point, I’m not even sure when, I became all of those to a ridiculous level. ….only weeks after she left me did my depression, addiction and untrustworthiness become clear to me….and I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me…..
Hi Rich. Thanks for getting back to me. I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. I agree. Depression is so blinding! My husband is still proceeding with the divorce, and his family has cut all ties with me. At first he desperately wanted me to get help, but now he is angry with me, and he is doing everything to hurt me, like taking the dog, and cutting me off financially. I also get nasty letters from his lawyer, that don’t help with my depression at all. However, I am not angry with him. I can finally see how much pain he has been in, I know he is lashing out, and I still love him.
I just wish he could see how much I have changed, and how many active steps I’ve taken, and am taking to get better. I’ll keep hoping for forgiveness, but all I can do is learn from this and try to recognize when my depression comes back, and get help right away.
I hate being put in the “abusive or no hope for change” category by his therapist who has only seen me twice, and who has no interest in hearing my side of the story. I know in my heart that I am serious about getting help for my depression, and that is not true. So many people have seen the changes in me. I wish he was around to see them too. He would have been so proud of me.
Hi AW,
I think my ex is angry and lashing out as well. But she lashes out passive aggressively, so I don’t really know what she is thinking. I have hurt her so much with my ‘coping mechanisms’ for the depression I didn’t even realise I was in. I became a liar, and dishonest partner, partly in reaction to the passive aggression as well as the depression I think. She just couldn’t trust me, and I can see why. With my sex addiction, I couldn’t have been trusted. My depression and the associated anger and irritability affected both her children and my Son negatively as well. I guess right now I’m wrestling with the anger that comes from the passive aggressive nature she showed (having claimed strongly to be different, and the kind of woman who tells if there is something wrong), and the fact that my behaviour hurt her hugely. That’s why she isn’t with me right now, and why she is/was so angry.
I just wish that she could understand the nature of depression, that person that was doing those things isn’t me. The me that she fell in love with. I need to find him again. 🙁
Hi Rich,
It’s so true that when you’re depressed, it’s really hard to see how much the other person is hurting because you’re in so much pain yourself. You’re trying to do everything you can to make yourself feel better, but sometimes we don’t do that in the best ways. 🙁 I really tried to control my irritability, but it didn’t work. It’s so hard because I know I’m a good person. I just needed to get help. I can see why my husband wants to be done with me. I spent so much time being sad and irritable that it made him feel the same way too, and after 8 years of dealing with me, I’m sure he feels happier not having to interact with me anymore. He doesn’t have to use his energy to try to cheer me up anymore. Eventually, he stopped trying anyway.
I think that people who have never been depressed don’t get it. It’s hard for them to understand. Nobody wants to be unhappy. We would never choose this. My therapist said that when people are depressed, they are unable to see a lot of options, which makes it hard to see that there are things they can do to get better. This huge wake up call worked.
At first I really wanted to reconcile, and work things out with him, but he is not interested, and I haven’t spoken to him in a month. I also think reconciliation would be awkward since his whole family thinks I’m a bad person based on what he told them. They have no interest in hearing my side of the story, even though I reached out to them to apologize for not getting help with my depression sooner. The marriage counselor we met with only once has no interest in hearing my side of the story either.
He has also been extremely unkind to me during this process (by cutting me off financially even though I’m unemployed, taking the dog who is more attached to me, wanting me to move out within weeks of being served even though I have no friends or family here, and nowhere to go). I feel like he is being abusive himself, and that I deserve better. I don’t see how we could get past this anymore. I know I messed up, and our problems are 70 % my depression, but we have other problems too that he hasn’t taken any responsibility for. Everyone has been saying that I should just focus on myself and on getting better, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Hopefully I can be get help and be happy again, even without him. 🙁
This is hard to hear… I am 20 in college with a beautiful loving girlfriend…. I just can not treat her right. Everyone on this blog talks about their EX… well I hope she doesn’t turn into my ex. We have been together for 3 years now and I really feel she is the one… but I think my depression is triggered by her. After reading the article what can I do to prevent all of these things?
I mean have no friends to hang out with when I come back from college and I am just SUPER attached to her. Like my happiness is very dependent on her and I know that’s so unfair…. what do I do.
After reading this article, I can say all of these things relate to me right now. I have always suffered depression since I was very young, I had a bad past and been through a lot. My boyfriend started off as my best friend before we dated. Then when we first dated a week later he dumped me for his ex, I was devastated and never felt so betrayed as there was a lot going on around that time too. Then 5 months later we got back together again of course I haven’t forgotten about what happened the first time we started, but it got complicated as I felt so paranoid, hurt, sad incase he was going to leave me again and we argued about it for nearly a year. But the first few months we been dating he had a dating app on his phone my friend pointed this out as she was on the same dating app and coincidently some of the photos he used were pictures that I have taken on his phone or mine. I’ve pointed this out with him and he told me there was ‘nothing wrong with that’ so I cried myself to sleep when I found that out. I was already having trust issues with him because of the ex thing and now this… He got rid of the dating app in the end but still.. I just didn’t know how to feel after that. I kind of blame myself In a way maybe I wasn’t good enough for him. A lot of my friends warned me about him that his just going to hurt me.. I didn’t listen to them I just followed my heart and hope for the best that he won’t make the same mistake. At this very day I’m still with him now it has been 13 months we been together so far… The arguments are still there but not as bad as the start. But I still get nightmares and I get paranoid incase he does something bad or he leaves me heartbroken all over again. I’m trying so hard to trust him I think I am slowly getting there in a way but it doesn’t mean the stuff his done before will disappear I can’t forget. I feel so insecure, I always keep thinking his going to find someone better who is prettier and better then me in every way. He blames me for not trusting him but if he didn’t give me reasons to I would be able to trust him fully. I don’t even leave my house anymore unless I was seeing him I rarely see my friends as most of them are at University or have moved away. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, I can’t speak to him about it as his not one that says a lot. I try make him happy and give my 100% effort in the relationship and do thoughtful things and try remember the little things about him.. Even though he doesn’t give me anything in return. In a way for me as long as he was happy I guess I am fine with that. It does make me sad that I kind of expect the same treatment the way I treat him but I know I can’t force or ask for that it should come naturally. It just saddens me I just want him to really love me and appreciate me but I feel like sometimes he doesn’t. He lacks showing it or even saying it in that matter… It does make me feel a bit worthless but all I can do is just wait and hope one day he will show me his appreciation and love for me one day. I know most people if there was in my situation would have left by now or ages ago but it’s different as he is my best friend aswell as my boyfriend his always been the closest person to me for years 🙁
Elena, I am in the same situation. But it’s the other way around, I try to make her happy, all the time, chat with her as long as I can (all the things you have mentioned). but at the same time, feel a bit worthless and annoying. Yes, I know that everything comes naturally and we can’t force them, but for how long does that procedure have to take? I feel you.
I don’t even know how to express my situation in words without crying and becoming angry. I recently realized that I’m depressed via my actions. People see so much talent in me and it puzzles me via my self-hate. It’s as there’s a governor on my heart and ambition. I lost my child via an abortion, moved in with my girlfriend and had to leave because of our roommates lying on me then lived in a house with no electricity nor hot water for a year just to stay in the same city as her because we couldn’t’ afford an apartment and I’m just too mad. I’ve unintentionally hurt her many of times and I wish I understood why at the time so I could of told her and possibly have seeked help for the both of us. That’s my soulmate. We had plenty of goodtimes but no job and not being able to take care of her how I wanted to just made me very nasty and angry. I don’t know what to do now. She’s very passionate about me and hasn’t spoken to me in about 6 months. We were suppose to get married. Smh I can’t take this…………..
I was in a relationship with my BF and he was severely depressed, I had to leave he would not accept treatment of any sorts and was told this is him like it or not – I chose the NOT. He has always struggled with addictions from drugs/alcohol/ sex addiction/depression, when we first started dating I was under the impression all was under control and for years. Though a recovering alcoholic he would juggle drugs and the sex addictions depending on the severity of the depression. He is high almost 24/7, cannot function or chooses not to function with out being high…it is so sad to see him relapse. Constantly on porn sites, webcam sites videoing himself, posting on teen site and “chatting” with whoever – he is 47. I say loosely chatting cause I have no idea what he does and did. Confronted him and was told ” It wasn’t me” his profile was removed from the sites that following day??!! He has a teenage son and spoke to him about it and got the response…”this is my dad he’s always like this and surprised you have lasted this long, all the other girls last maybe a month or so” Once that was said something completely changed for me and started looking for another place to live and an instant wall went up around me. This guy will NEVER change and will continue to live this horrible life or drug abuse, anxiety, chronic pain, depression and self hate. So sad and such a waste of a wonderful life
Hello; this may sound odd but i am curious.
I met my girfriend on an inyernet dating site in oct of 2013
Due to an 800 mile dfferential we met on christmas 2013 (great date!!)
Then in june and july 2014.
From September until now i have flown to see her about 7 times.
Each time i am treated lke a king.
My question is: From october 2013-until september 2014 (our first sexual encounter in sept 2014)
Many more since then; all wonderful
I wonder though… what did she do from october 2013 until sept 2014? I would find it hard to beleve she had no sex for that duration with anyone (i didn’t) She is very loving,smart,kind funny and the best date bar none for a variety of entertainment.
When i stayed with her 7 different times a week on each excursion i was fixed breakfast every day; when i arrived goodies (she asked what snacks i liked) were awaiting me in abundance.
I JUST wonder if she had another man beyween 0ct 2013 andsept 2014.
Ask her? Sounds like you might have trust issues. I’m in a long distance relationship and never even thought to question my gfs fidelity. We also met online but we haven’t had as many visits. We have our rough patches but I find they key to our successful relationship, is some degree of communication. You should ask her if you find it really matters so much.
I believe my partner may have depression but I’ve always brush it under the rug thinking its just her hormones as she is 22 weeks pregnant.
She has had some low points prior to this since i moved into her flat with her 8 months ago but now she is saying that she wants to go back to her parents house and think things over but prior to that she said I’ve had enough and can’t take it living with you (me) as we are finding it hard for money stress and trouble trying to find myself work.
I am at a loss here as I will be alone if she goes through with it and moves then I will start to wonder about our unborn child and all the things we said we was going to do as a family together and missing out on all the small things.
I really am at a loss and I Dont know which way to turn as my own parents are over 350+ miles away and I can’t talk to anybody else as I too feel like depression is creeping in on me too.
All I want is for her to get better.
Thank you for your time
Refreshing to read.
My partner is depressed, he has left and it has been total hell to live with him.
I have experienced all of the above.
It’s horrific to suddenly loose you partner, he has changed beyond my understanding.
I am in exactly the same situation, my partner of 20 years has abandoned me and our children, he cannot come to terms or work through his depression and completely ruined his and our lives. He is no longer a person I know, absolutely devastating!
Florence,
I’m sorry to say that I have just done to my partner exactly what yours has done/is doing to you. I’ve been hell to live with. i changed from a loving, caring man into an isolated, dependant tyrant who only took and never gave. I didn’t even realise I had created this hell for my family, and I certainly hadn’t linked it with my depression. I’m sorry and I feel for you.
Thanks for the messages.
I’ve woken this morning and cried like he’s dead for 20 minutes.
I now have to get my son to school and go to work and pretend that all is ok.
There I sn support for me locally as a partner experiencing this and it is devastating.
I recognise that depression is an illness but unlike a cancer it destroys families and relationships
Dana I feel for you I really do and would be happy to talk at anytime.
David at least you now recognise it and maybe you can now tell them you love them ..that’s what is important letting them know you still love them and are not leaving them forever.
X
Flo,
I’m terribly sorry you’ve had an episode like that. I’m walking around in a daze, and was crying like that last night. I’m very bad at that pretending thing. Just can’t do it. Nearly burst into tears at the Job Centre today. I’m reliant on online help, there’s very little available on our NHS, but I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow.
As for my relationship and family, unfortunately, it’s too late. Depression has destroyed my relationship and my family. I do love them, but the way I’ve treated them they wouldn’t believe me even if I did tell them, and my partner has moved on to someone else already, 3 weeks after throwing me out. To be honest, if she hadn’t I probably wouldn’t even have realised I was depressed….You’re right it does destroy all it touches, insidiously.
I may be the wrong person given that I’m the equivalent of your ex, but if you need to talk I’m here.
David x
Thanks.
I’m sorry to hear that I hope you are getting treatment, meds, therapy?
My partner admitted he was very depressed 3 mths ago and I offered support and discussed it with his family.
He was angry and resentful towards me and eventually it became impossible for him to live with me.i have a young son.
He won’t speak to me I don’t know where he is.
I am now left not knowing if to split sell and move on or wait untill he returns and see if anything Is left of our relationship.
It’s a totally f….ing nightmare.
I’m in limbo, feel sick in th morning and unable to think and plan for the future.
I’m sorry that your partner has met someone else.
Maybe you still need to send a message and say you were ill and you are sorry for your behaviour and that you love her.
Do you have kids together?
It would mean a lot to her to take ownership of your behaviour even if it’s too late.
Sorry things are hard, talk to people.
I’d love to find a support group for partners of the depressed they don’t seem to exsist.
I strongly believe that my husband of 6 years (8 years together) is suffering from depression. He is 47 and I am 39.
2 days ago, as we were looking at homes with a realtor, a question I asked him set off a torrent of hurtful and shocking events. Last night, he decided that he needed to “leave” and has set off for his mother’s house since. He has left my 2 young daughters (4 and 2) and me without a single explanation other than, “if I stay right now, I will explode. I know what I am doing by leaving is the wrong thing to do”.
He had been miserable (noticeably) in the past month or so and I called him out on it several days ago. Tension set in between us and this past Wednesday, as we were driving to the next potential house, I asked him if he was “okay” and if “divorce” was a possibility. I fully expected him to say no but his hesitation and non-response sent me into a complete whirlwind of shock and awe. Since this past Wednesday, our family, my life has been completely turned inside out and I still have no answers.
I know he suffered from low testosterone in his previous relationship and recently started to mention his dissatisfaction with his “body, health, etc.”. Mind you, he has been sleeping on the couch for over a year because he truly suffers from severe degenerative disc issues and the couch provides a minimal but much needed amount of relief. Because of this, and because of other reasons, we have not been intimate for a very long time. This is obviously a glaring red flag.
I am reeling from these recent events and have been googling and researching to finally come to the conclusion that my husband is suffering from depression. He is very interested in seeking counseling to “figure out what’s wrong with him” but isn’t so sold on marriage counseling. I just need some wise words to get me through the next agonizing days of my life. My daughters don’t deserve this. Neither do I.
I feel my husband is also depressed. The last two months he’s become withdrawn, verbally very abusive, blames me for everything, brings up past hurts that I have caused him even if the argument has nothing to do with that, physically abusive and won’t admit that there’s anything wrong except that it’s my fault he acts this way. He says if I give him attitude that’s the reason why he gives it back. That I have to stop then everything will be fine. He says these things with the most hated look in his eyes. Like he truly hates me. I asked him yesterday after an argument that should not even been an argument, I asked, just let me know if this isn’t going to work, let me know ahead of time so that I can prepare, to not just kick me out of the house but to let me know in advance please. He came back with anger telling me that I’m starting shit and that I really just want to leave. This morning is when it occurred to me that it might be depression. But there’s this problem. I think, no I know that I’m depressed too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to reach out to him about my depression. I know he will just get angry and there will be a huge fight. My husband and I have been together for 26 yrs. We have a 24 yr old, a 21 yr old and a 2 yr old. If it wasn’t for my 2 yr old I’d been gone a while ago. I want so badly to get through this. I want it to work between us. I want to grow old with him as I had always intended on doing. I know he needs my support, I think he needs to see a doctor but I don’t want to upset him and have another fight mostly because I’m afraid of the outcome of him leaving or him kicking me out. I can’t have that happen to my son. He loves his father so much. I don’t know how to help him when I need help myself and at the same time I’m very resentful that he could care less about what I’m going through. When you say your vows it’s supposed to be in sickness and in health, and just because now it’s a mental issue rather than a physical issue he can’t see that I need help. He can’t see that he needs help. He can’t see that we need help. It’s like he’s just expecting everything to just go away. He’s hurt me so much with every fight we have that I almost believe it will never get better. I don’t know what to do either. I’m very lost. All I can say is that if you love him and want to grow old with him, well I guess don’t just give up. I’m trying really hard not to do that myself because being depressed myself it’s hard to not truly believe that everything he says to me isn’t true. And the anger. That utter look of hate. I feel hopeless and don’t know how to help him. And what about me. I just don’t know anymore.
Take a look at the depression fallout forum http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com
People there offer great advice and are all going through similar situations to you. The creator of the site has a great book also. Both helped me through a situation where my partner was depressed, which then led to my own deep depression. We managed to work things out and you will too.
Wishing you the best 🙂
Good article to read. I have suffered from depression since I was a young teen. Loosing my job and my house at 42 dropped me into a very dark place. I am slowly recovering from this dip, with a new job, and new place to live. Still some lingering fears and strong bouts of deep depression rear their ugly heads from time to time. The lager problem isn’t the really bad days. The real problem is that the “good” days are still full of pain. If I could feel fine most of the time, I could deal with isolated bouts of depression, but that’s not how it works. I am very sad to say that I spent so much time focused on how poorly I felt that I never really considered how I was affecting my wife. I always knew I was affecting her, but it never really sank in how much I was truly causing her pain. I always thought that the extend of the affect I was having on her consisted her leaving me alone to work through the pain. I figured she could just ignore me for a few hours or days until the sever symptoms passed, and that everything would be better afterward. I didn’t see what was going on right in front of me because I couldn’t see past my own pain. This finally became clear when, after 21 years of marriage, she now tells me she is contemplating leaving.
I have always been a decent provider (except for the short period of unemployment). I have always been kind and supportive of her desires. I wasn’t mean or rude to her. I spend literally all day with her (we both work at the same office). I don’t’ drink or spend time away from her, and I have never cheated. I generally thought I was a pretty decent husband. She will even agree when comparing me to some of the other husbands we know. Despite the fact that I thought I was a better husband than most men, I was missing the truth. I was distant and isolated (even when I was in the room with her). I didn’t share myself (even when we were together). I didn’t involve myself with her (even when we were doing something together) I didn’t really support her emotionally (even though I supported her procedurally). Now my eyes are more open than ever before. Now I have to work to fix years of mistakes. Now I have to take the main reason I get out of bed and fix it before it is too late.
God, please don’t let it be too late.
My advice to the depressed folks out there: WAKE UP! YOU ARE AFFECTING YOUR LOVED ONES MORE THAN YOU KNOW! To those of you who are dealing with a depressed spouse or partner. Talk to them. Let them know that you support them, but that they are not the only ones suffering. Don’t wait till you can’t take it any longer! Don’t wait till it’s too late.
Thank you for your article! This describes my ex to a T! Every bit of it, starting with #1 irritability over trivial things leading up to the day he announced out of the blue that he was depressed and needed to be alone. He packed up his necessities and said he was moving out. He went to stay in a motel less than a mile away. He said he didn’t want to drag me down with him. The sweetest most kindest soul I have ever known, always thinking of others and always so down on himself. His depression started long before I came into his life. He had a horrible childhood and was abandoned by everyone who should have been taking care of him, and shifted around from foster homes and orphanages and ultimately a boys ranch. Finally, at the age of 16 he was finally able to be reunited with his mother. Finally, he was back with his family. His happiness was short lived because “mama” was killed in front of him a few months later. Then he was off to live with a biological father he didn’t even know several states away until he was 18. After graduating and turning 18, he was out on his own again with no family support. Amazingly, he worked his way up from walking to work to riding a bike to buying a car and even became a homeowner with a stable, great paying job. But he was still depressed. Then I came along and for that brief time, he was finally happy. He said he finally sees what had been missing all those years. That happiness was also short lived. When the newness of the relationship wore off, the depression was back. So he goes to this hotel down the road, but stayed in constant communication (mainly via text). He seemed torn between not wanting to drag me down with his depression and not wanting to let go. I urged him to get help and he did. He started antidepressants which never seemed to really work. He dwelled on his horrible past and could not let it go. In his mind he was a failure and could not see what a wonderful person he had become despite his past. Tragically, on May 13, 2014 he took a gun and ended his pain all alone in that hotel room. If I knew then what I know now, I would have insisted he let me hold onto his guns while he worked through his depression. I had no idea this was coming. I was always told if you love someone and they want to go off and be alone, you let them go. That is not always true. In hindsight, I feel like he expected me to beg, plead and insist he not stay in a hotel. It hurt like hell, but I let him go without much of an argument because I thought it was the right thing to do. I will be forever haunted.
Hey,
While I am very sorry to hear about your ex, it’s not your fault. At all. You did all you could, and are still actually hurting over it!!
It’s okay to let go – you don’t have to forget all the good times you had!
Dear Susie,
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain your husband was in. Know that there are those who wish you peace when they read your post. Have you sought out any SOS meetings in your area. They can be helpful.
Peace, Dave
I have a comment not about my partner but a very close friend of mine. We have been friends for almost 25 years and she has being struggling with depression, drug (weed) and gambling addiction ( horse racing, online poker). The only thing she will admit to is the depression and is on medication. The others are enough in her life to take the edge off and satisfy her addiction. I am growing tired of the same thing over and over again. You never know when it’s going to come ( the attitude, temper, anger and overall rude behavior) , but when it does hold crap stay out of her way.
Over a month ago, she cut me off and told me she needs a break from me, not sure why but I was in her way I guess. Left her alone for a bit and sent her a few texts just saying hi and how are things – very light conversation. Once again got a blast from her and I honestly think it will be my last attempt at this friendship. I know she is ill and cannot help herself at times, but I also think this is an excuse for bad behavior. Especially, once an episode has subsided and there is no acknowledgement of bad behavior and a thank you for sticking by and being a friend/an ear. I received a text from her a few days ago… I deleted it. I think I need a break from her.
Being in a friendship with someone who is ill doesn’t mean that friendship can have no boundaries. If your boundaries are clear, why do need “an acknowledgement of bad behavior”?
If she is hurting you, let her know. She may not feel a need to apologize or thank you for her behavior…maybe she is taking you for granted?
It sounds like you are putting in lots of effort to figure this out! Good luck!
As a friend or a spouse that is on the other side of this illness we should Always receive a thank you for being a great support and sticking around. During an episode a number of horrible things are stirred up, so yes an acknowledgement of behavior should be in there as well. My boundaries were stretched and ignored once again, one to many times. Therefore, I will not be around period. Thanks for commenting!
I need some advice. My boyfriend was in a4year relationship where he was pretty much the father to the two young daughters of his ex. He raised the youngest from about six months. Obviously he developed strong feelings for them…like a father but is no longer able to a them. He’s reminded every day by little things: the park, toys, cartoons (I have a daughter the same age) …and he gets incredibly depressed because he cannot talk to them. I love him very much but this is very difficult. Do you have any advice?
Thank you so much for this article. It perfectly describes the way my former boyfriend acted. I thought he was severely depressed but he could be so cheerful sometimes and fun loving and he was a tough motorcycle guy who would never go to a doctor or therapist and i just had to deal with all these confusing symptoms. This article makes me feel better about our relationship ending. It was really so draining and unfulfilling. I did love him tons, I hope he can make some changes for himself.
Hi Allison,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Take solace in the fact that you dodged a bullet.
I am married to a depressed man, I love him so much we have 2 toddlers but his depression diagnosed a year and a bit ago has changed my husband. He has now developed an addiction to gambling and is now an emotional abuser. He has destroyed our bonds with external family members.
I am sorry to say that I wished I recognised his depression tendencies while dating as I most probably would not have married him.
As hard as it is for you now to breakup with your partner, trust me you dodged a bullet.
Wish you all the best. And hope your ex gets help.
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a year and a bit now but due to everything we’ve been through in the past few months (we both lost our jobs at around the same time last year – him hurting his back and my boss not being able to afford to pay me anymore)we’ve had to move in with my parents which is causing a lot of strain on our relationship. I feel like everything he does irritates me and his new job means he works really irregular hours but when he comes back, I just want him to go away again. I don’t know what to say around him, if there’s any point to strike up a conversation anyway. I mean, we live together so what’s the point in talking about our days if the other was there for most of it? But I miss the early days of our relationship, when we were able to talk and giggle and actually enjoyed each others company.
Maybe I’m just bored. I don’t have a job at the moment so we can’t afford to move out of my parent’s house and don’t have a lot to do so maybe I’m overthinking things? But is it naïve to think that everything would go back to the way it should once we move out?
I came across this article and it was very helpful. My spouse of over ten years left our kids and I six weeks ago. He told me if he stayed with me he would kill himself. I am doing my best to cope on my own with the kids but I feel he truly has depression, and he might have some other mental illness in addition. I know that I can’t help him and the things he said are very hard to cope with. Nearly every point in his article describes my ex. It has torn our family apart but he is the only one who can seek help.
I’m in this position now. How are things for you at the moment?
I’ve been going through the same emotional roller coaster for over a year, the yes, yes, no, I love you, I miss you etc: I was always happy, cheery, optimistic, and saw the best in everyone. Being with my depressed girlfriend who I love with all my heart is starting to destroy the person I truly love and that’s ME!!! Sometimes it’s easier said than done but letting go is the only way to escape into a healthy relationship with someone who is compatible. I’ve learned that healthy relationships work when there’s trust, respect and care…If you wouldn’t treat someone this way (no depressed individuals can’t help it) why would you allow yourself to be treated like this.
Loving this person doesn’t mean you have to suffer, love them from a distant…it’s hard as he’ll I absolutely understand but will you ever trust them to not break your heart again or live with anxiety every day not knowing where you stand
I do get this, and this is an aspect of myself that I wrestled with for the time me and my gf were together. But loving froma distance is hard when both you and your lvoed one have vowed to fight this together. And then when a child comes into it, it’s killer. It’s heartbreaking. It rips you to shreds because it’s not like there is even anyone to blame. The person i truly loved was my girlfriend, but depression changed her.
That’s why this seems like defeat.
I’m in the middle of an emotionally devastating break up for both of us. I found this article just searching for some sort of solace and i saw a lot of parallels to what we are going through now. My ex (i guess) girlfriend, is a wonderful woman, talented, kind and the best mother but has battled severe depression since a break down in her early twenties triggered by a severe emotional trauma when she was young. We are both now 28 and 27 and have almost been 2 years. She was a single mother when i met her and had just come out of an abusive relationship with the dad. We fell in love and i took on responsibilities for the child as well, who is almost 3 now, which obviously makes things all the worse.
Anyway, i think for us, things developed into a cycle of negative actions that aggravated each other. about 8 months into our relationship we decided to move in together, a huge step for both of us. I changed jobs to fit in with my new life and everything went well. She was happy and i fell madly in love with the prospect of a life with my soulmate and a child that, though wasn’t biologically mine, i loved like she was. However i feel things went downhill when i took 3 months off for gardening leave whilst a promotion at work was already secured for me. My job was very stressful and i think finally settling into a comfortable family life disrupted a lot of her processes and habits. By the time I went back to work, she had become even more introverted. Started snapping at very minor things and visibly withdrawn. It’s important to note that we hadn’t had sex for a long time. Not for the fact that we didn’t find each other attractive, but i have my own libido issues due to a stressful time at work and medical problems, which in turn made her own self confidence dive.
From then on it became a vicious circle. After i returned to my job, work became a lot more demanding. I was working almost 14 hour shifts at the office in a more senior role and staying up til 3-4 am. In all this we I still contributed as much as i could but it all became too much for her. The effects of that rubbed off on me and we got to a place where she started to resent me and at times couldn’t even be in the same room as I was.
Which leads us to where I am now. Last Wednesday she told me that she needed to go it alone so that she can remain a functioning mother to her child, which of course remain both of our priorities. This is compounded by the fact that my company made me redundant on the very same night. Which has left me in an utterly desperate situation. As I write this, I feel as if my whole world has been wiped out in the space of 5 hours. What is so much worse is that our love was so so strong, and through all the relationships I’ve had in the past, she was, really, the one for me. To add to this, I had raised a child who knew me as her father in all but name. To watch it all disintegrate in front of my eyes has truly pushed me into a place where I start to think I can see where my girlfriend came from. To see it all be defeated by the absolutely devastating condition that is depression is soul destroying.
I admittedly underestimated just how bad it could be. I myself am still probably in a hopeful stage of my grievance where I believe I can still convince her we can work through it. Having known of her illness and vowed to battle on together, it seems almost unreal that it’s over.
I don’t even know the point of my post. But I imagine, inside myself somewhere is some solace that others know this pain and the hoplessness of it. Now I feel my battle is within myself. I hate to sound pitiful. But in this moment in time, when a man’s entire world, down to the roof over his head has been crushed by depression, what is there left?
Dear Rui, May God bless and protect you. I’m currently too depressed myself to reach out with many more words than that. I just wanted to share with you that today I reached out for counselling and with all my heart I hope that you will reach out for help at this very very difficult moment in your life. Truly may God sustain you right now until you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. May your future be much much brighter than your present. God bless you, Anna
Rui,
I wanted to empathise with you. There are many parallels between your situation and mine, I have displayed all of the 11 traps in the article above to the max. I’m not certain about whether my ex has depression in her life, (not sure she would admit it if she did), probably mainly because I paid her such little attention over the last 14months of our relationship, but given her behaviour mimcking your ex partners, it is likely. But I do know now for certain that I do. I’m in that same hopeful state that you were in, I watched my life disintegrate in front of me, to the point where your question about a man’s entire world, down to the roof over his head being crushed by depression, and what is left if it does, is deeply meaningful to me. For me, there is very little.
This describes exactly what happened to me. I knew he was depressed and troubled when I entered into the relationship with him, but we both ‘clicked’ it felt so natural and right to be with him. He was very kind to me and fun to be with. We weren’t living together, but nearly so, to the point I was wondering why I even had my own apartment… But then the arguing began and he dumped me right before Christmas. (Holidays, even Memorial Day/Labor Day were difficult for him, holidays like July Fourth guaranteed he took to his bed….so I wasn’t surprised about the timing three days before Christmas…) He says he ‘cares deeply’ for me but the fighting is too difficult for him to deal with. He doesn’t work, spends his days sleeping and his nights on Facebook and watching movies online… He is now on anti-depressants which he says are ‘helping’ and also seeing a counselor. He doesn’t call or text me unless he’s wasted…then I’ll get the random “I do miss you, you know…” text or “you hate me” or “I’m sorry I ruined your life”. I miss him terribly and want him back, depressed or not. Even though I know I should be focusing on moving on, taking care of myself, my own life, I just want to ‘wait for him to get better’. This article describes exactly what happened to us.
This is exactly what I went through. My story may not be as sad as others, it happened early and it happened accelerated. I saw red flags from the beginning and he tried to be an amazing boyfriend to win me, but in doing so lost his routine and little bits of what he needed to stay sane. We fell in love quick and I was told nothing I could ever do would make him not love me, only to have down to the word happen what you just described. It was heartbreaking and I can’t imagine how people go through this over and over. I still love him and I have not yet healed, but it is very comforting to believe it is not me. I always feel like relationships end the same with criticisms and sensitivies, but in looking back this may have played more of a part than I ever realized. This was the most obvious by far and he in the end admitted he goes through “mild bouts of depression”.
In need of answers or opinions. My fiance of 15 years, now my ex of 6 months. In my opinion he has been battling depression for about 5 years. Things got bad last year in March when he stopped going to work. This is a man that had never missed an unschudluex day of work since we have been together. He event on fmla and didn’t go to work for 6 months. At one point he didn’t even leave the house for 3 weeks. He finally decided to get on AD, HE STRUGGLED DUE TO THE SIDE EFFECTS BUT IS NOW ON Brentillex but I don’t think its working. He is also in counseling..I think twice a month. On Labor Day 2014 he told me that he can’t get better with me there. (We own a home together) he said I needed to leave and let him get better. He said he’s not happy and doesn’t love me and hant for awhile. I was in Shock, as up too this day he had told me he loved me and doesn’t know what he would do without me. We stayed in contact till about 2 weeks ago. I found out he is with another girl and is sleeping with several others. Before the no contact I would ask about the futurh, he would say the following;” I’m sorry I care about you but I’m not in love; you deserve better, you deserve to be happy, I can’t give you 100%, and told my friend I deserve to be treated like the queen I am, etc” so we’ve been separated and as its ggetting better in time I love him so much regardless of the other women. I’ve been told that they are just a distraction as well as his drinking lately. The female is is currently “dating” is in my opinion an alcoholic. She is the girl that is always at the bar and always out if control in my opinion. I have known her for a long time and we have mutual friends. She is also known as a pill popper and has been known to be addicted to cocaine. I’m just confused if he will ever come back to me. Is he self medicating or just being a jerk?
My girlfriend of three years, broke up with me three weeks ago right before valentines day. She’s been suffering from major depression for awhile now and her medication stopped working because she was so stressed out. My car broke down some time ago (I just now can afford a new one) and she felt obligated to come to me. 11 days prior to the breakup she was telling me about how she read a romantic novel and was thinking of me and how much she loved and missed me. She’s not ready to talk yet, and I don’t want to move on. I love her so much and if there is any hope we can get through this, I will fight for it. She’s my best friend, I’m being patient and waiting for her to be ready to talk. She made me promise her once when she was sleepy that no matter what happens, if she becomes depressed and pushes me away, that I wouldn’t let go. She always becomes distant this time of year but thjs time its different. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Doug,
You are I are in the exact same situation. My bf too broke up with me before Valentine’s day. He’s suffering from anxiety and depression and wants to be alone now. He says this has nothing to do with his depression and that I am not the one for him. I don’t believe it because I know he has been “emotionally numb” for quite a while now.
It’s so difficult to move on when you know that the real reason is the illness!
Emily
We’re all in the same boat here mate. My girlfriend split with me (she has a child who I have raised together with her) which was compounded by being made redundant last wednesday.
She had been progressively getting worse, pushing me away etc. At the start the medication kept her in good spirits (she was on fluoxetine, and some others) but eventually they stopped working. We are now at the point where I am homeless and sleeping from couch to couch, hotel to hostel etc. At this point in time I still can’t quite contemplate that we are over. Because, like you, we both vowed to fight this together. She let me into her world knowing that meant letting me in to her depression. It seems so futile that we would give up on it all now.
We’ve had bumps but never a split. Like this. The reason she gave was that I was triggering her and her child needed a mother, which of course we both agree on. However, it’s still so hard for me to admit defeat to the big D. Is this us giving up? Should I fight on? Is this her or the depression talking? We were so madly in love, sure that we were soulmates. I’ve started to question myself. Does love actually conquer all? Is it worth saving? What is even the right thing to do right now?
all these questions just leave me in limbo. I don’t know whether to wait or move on. I don’t even want to move on. I created a family and to think I will never see what I see as my own child is like someone squeezing the life out of me bit by bit until it’s all gone. She says that she doesn’t want to meet anyone else but can’t tell the future. What would utterly kill me is if I gave her the time she needs, meet her in 10 years time to find she has met someone else. We had planned all these things, our future, our house, our wedding. I just can’t even begin to imagine that life disappearing.
I’m so lost right now.
Please tell me what to do!! I am pregnant and I am depressed like hell!!! I so wanna commit suicide but I can’t kill my baby ;(
Ever since I got married. I became more and more depressed. My husband’s attitude felt like torchure to me. I love him more than my life. But he just doesn’t care about my feelings. He blames me for everything bad and never appreciates me for anything good.
He never likes to have sex but he used to like porns and now he doesnt even like that he has completely thrown sex away from his life. Living with my husband felt like living in hell alone.
I tried to commit suicide several times and whenever anything happened to me, he gets worried and showed his love but he never ever changes!
I am pregnant for the third time and last 2 were misscarriages unfortunately. My husband didn’t want any kids at that time. I am sure this time it’s not like that… I need a baby to overcome my loneliness.
But m still depressed because he is getting more and more aggressive and depressed himself! I tried talked to him several times on this topic but he hates to discuss and it always ends up in an argument.
I need a normal happy life. I don’t need luxuries and I dont need money I just need some words of love from my husband… He doesnt even like to talk to me. He is busy all the time in making money.
;(
Please guys! Never be this much workaholic!! Really life is too short you never know what will happen next… What if your partner never lives anymore the next day… Time spent with your partner is much more precious than time spent in your work…
You need to speak to your OBGYN, not only is there post-partum depression, but it can happen before pregnancy, especially with your history.
You cannot make loneliness dissipate by having a baby. You will need to seek counsel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are having a baby, you need to start thinking about the baby first and part of that is making sure you are emotionally healthy enough to care for the wee one.
I have lived with my husband for 22 years 4 months ago after a stressful time at work and my older kids who have left the family home agreeing to have xmas dinner as a big family which my husband was really looking forward to dropped out of the arrangements and went to their dads instead. my husband changed from being a loving attentive man to saying he didnt like what he saw in the mirror throwing himself into work and emotionally detaching himself from me. he went to the docs but wouldnt admit he was depressed and wouldnt take any meds. he is slowly recovering he has now started talking to me and has resumed sex however i have noticed he is suffering from delayed ejacultion but i cant talk to him about this either. its been very hard for me and i am trying really hard to take a step back and leave him to come back to his normal self but has anyone has the same experience and how long does it take. he is trying taking me out more but the physical side is much slower and i am craving attention which i have missed
Right now I’m going threw it. Ah I’m. 54Yrs old, and its not the first time. This man in my life is my 4th been with him for 8yrs. Last 3 well 2 cheated on me 3rd passed away. And when my husband had passed 3 months later I found out he was having an affair with my niece. And it hurt so much again and going threw depression, so i heald . 4yrs later i met this handsome man 4yrs older then me, trucker beautiful talker, he kept kept coming back to me then 2months later he moved me and my girls to his home and would go trucking with him sometimes that I quit my job,and also so i can be with my daughter youngest one at 12yrs old. But then little by little arguments started. So much more.. But i would do and still do allot for him like when be home i served him I cuttled him massage him,feed him h u s breakfast in bed and still do, l am that way. I. Love him so much, but I can’t accept that he wants to leave me. He says that all he wants is to be happy, that there is nothing wrong going to the bar or dancing with other women or partying alone with he single males friends. I keep telling him, he right! But he has me so can confort him too. And i love being with him. And when I am with him I just want a little attention too, at bar or with friends from him, I am more left alone sitting while he is talking to the bartenders or dancing with his other women friends. Or taking women friends out to eat. He says , that there nothing wrong off taking and old friend out for breakfast. And if i would do that with a male friend,he says he hi s not jealous as long as i don’t do something else. But I.am not like that. That’s why i am with him, cause I had missed being alone, he looked the type of man to be with a women and be faithful to her, to have a woman as her partner, a friend, a lover a man in her live already to settle down be together, yes work and be with his male friends once in a while, but he looked like the type that I saw when I. Met him so kind , and be with when i invite him to my family partys. Now this last time I. Couldn’t stand it when he was talking to our female naibor across. The street for awhile, that i finally called him. And that’s when had a big argument. Now he wants to let go and leave me. But all of this he has done to me and would see what and hiw he talks to other women and I won’t do nothing but smile, andif I would he hates me wants to leave me, and am always apologizing to him to forgive me. He rells me i am very jealous. But maybe. I am,but all i ask him i just want a little respect. He usually takes me with him trucking now being. Going alone. He has not call me all day since he left. And i haven’t. Called I. Am afraid he might get mad and won’t come home. I am hurting. And in tears. I miss him.
i m having same situation as u have mentioned “Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life.”
plz help m
Im in a situation like that right now. My wife is moving out in 2 months and yes i feel like I’m a worthless piece of S*** that cant keep a woman. Suicide??? Not my choice but i have to say i though about it many times but i have my beloved son who is the only one that somehow give me strength to keep going. I dont have friends by the way Im recluse in my own house just go out to work. Probably nobody will read this but it dont matter I always end up talking to myself.
Hi onemore! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life puts us through the hard times only to lead us to the happy life we are supposed to lead. You sound like you are going through depression and I have been there, it truly sucks. But believe me it doesn’t last forever. Have you spoken to your doctor? My boyfriend was also depressed last year and sounded a lot like yourself, he was reluctant to see a doctor for months but after doing so he is doing so much better. Depression can really put a strain on a relationship but it doesn’t mean it has to destroy it. I would also suggest looking at this forum http://www.depressionforums.org. You will see you are not alone and there is always hope at the end if these dark times. Keep your head up!
I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years and we have always had such a great relationship up until the last few years when she has started to suffer with depression, to start with it was just small spells of feeling low, any change in our relationship would cause her to question our relationship and she would say things like I don’t think we should be together or I want to be on my own to sort this out, I first noticed this when we brought a house together, she was so exited to start with while we were doing the place up and turning it into our home and then when it came to actually moving in things just seem to get to much for her again, she couldn’t move out and I ended up moving in on my own while she stayed at her parents, she again questioned our relationship and fell very depressed, all through this I have been there for her and been by her side and given her the space she needed and eventually after seeing her doctor and getting medication she felt better and moved in. After this things were amazing she felt really happy with everything and we couldn’t have been happier, to the point were I decided I wanted to ask her to marry me. After we got engaged she was over the moon and soon planning the wedding, but after a few months I noticed she started to become distant again and get low over certain things. She has now become very depressed and again is saying things like I need to be on my own and such things as we are not meant to be and that getting married would be a massive mistake, at this point we have now decided to postpone the wedding and I’m trying everything I can to reassure her and be there for her through this tough time, she has currently moved back in with her parents wich I find so hard as all I want to do is make sure she’s ok and look after her, it seems that any big change in life or big moment causes the depressive state which is understandable but I just wish there was something I could do to make it easier for her. I love her so much and I know deep down she loves me but I just hope we can work through this. She sees her doctor again at the moment but says she doesn’t want to take anti depressants as she feels they make her feel emotionally numb when she’s on them and that she can’t express her feelings? She also sees a councillor and says that helps a little. I want to be with her forever and I am willing to do anything I know we are going to have to work together to beat the depression but I’m not sure yet if she wants to work together on this. Would like to hear people’s voice on this any help is much appreciated
I can totally relate to this article. My relationship of 8 years is really draining me emotionally. I really do love my girlfriend but has really come to a point where, I think it’s best if we part ways. I’m being blammed for every little thing I do, its like she’s always waiting for me to do wrong so she can just go on about it. She’s always the right one and I feel so dominated in this relationship now. I try talking to her about how I feel, she just snaps and gets angry and decides not to say a word. We are in a relationship where I really feel powerless, where she controlls everything. One time she snooped through my phone and started asking me, who are these girls you chat with. Like really now. So by this it meant I’m not suppose to have female friends.
I spend my days apologising for things I shouldn’t even be apologising for. I carry so much wheight, I’m constantly depressed. Not a single night do I go to bed without feeling sad or depressed. The thing is, it’s not easy to just leave someone you love that easy. I’m confused I really dont’ know what to do.
This all sounds so familiar. I have recently split with a man I thought I would spend my life with. We spent 3 years together and each year we have broken up when he was unhappy with his life and constantly blamed me. The last 2 times I did blame myself and tried my best to get back together, this time was different, he got diagnosed with depression in November and I really did try to be there for him even when he made it hard; He has spent the last 2 months emotionally abusing, threatening and behaving in a ridiculously selfish manor. At the start if the year he went to get space and so I encouraged this, he became even more withdrawn. The final straw came when we had to move out of our home ( which was planned for some time) and being told 2 days before that I would no longer be able to live with him as we planned as he needed more time alone. I was left with no where to live and not a care in the world was shown by him. I honestly do not understand how someone u once shared a future with can treat you this way. I do understand now that he must be severely depressed but does that justify his actions? He has since sent me a text telling me what a bad person I am and rude things about my family, he also stated that he doesn’t feel any love for me and is still blaming me for his unhappiness.
I lost the love of my life because of depression. I started a relationship with the most wonderful person anyone could ever ask to meet in early 2011. We had known each other for 3 years prior and had a great connection so we took things to the next level. By the end of 2011 things had changed at work and I had made the decision to the buy the business I was working for. This changed everything. I became stressed and overtime the terrible stress led to depression. My partner tried to tell me that I was changing and all she wanted was time with me. But I became obsessed and thought my life was only worth living if I could make the business work. I got angry when ever she asked me to spend time with her and honestly thought she just didn’t understand. This went on for a further two years and looking back now I honestly don’t know why she stayed. I became worse and worse. I stopped visiting her family with her and stopped going to see her friends. Mornings became awful.
About 7 months ago she simply left. And that pushed me into a complete and total breakdown. I lost control completely. I am just about able to deal with losing her now but it has been the hardest 7 months of my life. All I wish is that I could have realised how the depression and stress and changed me before she left. Please try and get through to the person you love before its too late because the pain of losing that person because depression is worse than almost anything I can possible describe.
Wow,that article hit the nail right on the head,I’ve gone through every last one of the 11 things and am still going through them.Sadly I’ve wallowed in my misery too long and have used my common law wife as my emotional punching bag and I do believe I’ve pushed her into looking for companionship elsewhere.Are there support groups for depression in major cities,is love to talk with people that are feeling the same way I do as my partner is too fed up with my behavior to give a damn anymore.
Reading this was like reading my life. My boyfriend sadly broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a wonderful 11months together, since then I’ve seen him twice and spoken very briefly. He’s very depressed since his dad died late last year.
He says he broke it off because he didn’t want us to get worse and that he has no feelings towards anything whatsoever!
I’ve offered my support and to take him out time and time again, but my attempts are now going ignored.
I’m completely at a loss as to what to do! Many say, cut my losses and run now! But I can’t let go of what we had and let him suffer alone.
I’ve since also found out that he’s been messaging a girl he works with, quite flirty messages but the problem is, she has a boyfriend! I can’t decide if he uses this tactic as attention from someone who doesn’t know what he’s going through?
Or that he’s genuinely forgotten I exist and wants this girl now?
I’m hurting daily because of this, because he’s told me he wants me in his life still, because each time I’ve left him he’s said “this isn’t the end” does he want me to stick around on tenterhooks waiting for him? I love him so dearly that I would, only if I knew he was getting help!
Someone help me before I go mad!
I am in the same exact boat.
Another article on this website helped me understand. http://www.storiedmind.com/depressed-partners/loss-of-feeling-in-depressed-partners/
Along with that, if I could give some of my own advice/info on my scenario and maybe it could help you.
A few weeks ago my ex had an uncontrollable crying fit saying that I am a wonderful girlfriend and that he WANTS to love me but can’t feel anything. Then a few days ago he broke up with me. He’s been drinking more, smoking weed, even self harmed a few times… He opened up to me about this, he comes to me for help, and when he is high he feels caring towards me. He, too, says he doesn’t want it to be the end. Now this is where I draw the parallel and can perhaps give you a shred of hope, because it is what I cling too… If your ex says it is not the end and that he didn’t want things to get worse and what mine said, maybe it shows that deep down, under this suffocating depression, they do feel something for us, and when they get better, will feel it strongly again. All we can do is be there for them, whatever they need us as. I hope all works out for you.
My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a week ago after being together for 11 months also. The reasoning was our depression. He is actually diagnosed with it, I’m not but I very much suffer from it. He told me that when we moved in together, 5 months into our relationship, is when he noticed my depression. Reading this is an eye opener cause now I can reflect in see the times where I shown majority of these signs. It sucks and it hurts. Not only am I dealing with a breakup, but I’m finally accepting the fact that I might suffer from depression. Something I tried to deny ever since I was like twelve, and I will be 23 soon. It hurts because I feel like depression ruined our relationship. I love him dearly, and I wish I would have been more proactive in trying to find better ways to cope in our relationship. Depression sucks.
We fell in love 8 years back and knew each other for 10 years (2 years just like that n 2 years of attraction+6 years of marriage)It has been 6 years completed after our marriage. I love him a lot…. But I feel so depressed since the day I came to knw after six months that he has lots of girl friends from different part of world through chat and he used to flirt a lot…talk about sex and ask them to show off using webcam. Even after marriage he continued the same only thing is I am very sure about him is he didn’t see them in person and didn’t have sex with any girls before…..
But the hard thing is I believed him to the core and it hurts me a lot….. For that we had a big fight and he beat me for the first time…. It still sits on my heart…. How to through that out….. How to be with him full heartedly…..
I left my parents and d complete family and married him….
He cares me a lot… He is educating me… Making me to be a better person who can stand on my own…. What ever he do when I wake up I grey a all the past n feel depressed… Even 2 yrs back we have a baby…. He cares her a lot…. But still I h be some negative feeling in my heart….
Hope I you can help me out.
Pls help…
I like yourself am in the same situation as you. My wife is on chat lines with all these guys and when I get mad at her she says I am always blaming everyone else for my problems! Well if I am upset because she texts on her phone all day with strange guys then I guess I am the one who is screwed up right?
Go figure to me she is as your husband is disrespecting us both!
Go find someone else as I will eventually and leave them both to their world of delusion!
I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 and a half years and depression has very much played it’s part in all of our arguments. My boyfriend feels that I obsess about the negative, but it’s not that I obsess about it, it’s just I remember the bad things the most. I remember more of the hurtful things he’s said/done compared to the wonderful things. It’s also sprung on a huge jealousy. If he looks at or talks to another girl I will instantly think he wants them because they are probably more capable than I am and will be better for him.I cry an awful lot and trust became a huge problem. I started so strongly believing that he’s with me just because the other girls he wanted wouldn’t get with him. My addiction/escape was being with him, he started believing I was too clingy and needy, then when I’d withdraw myself, he started thinking I was pushing him away and made him feel bad. I never really know what to do. My depression is severely effecting my relationship. I’m 18, he’s 18 in 3 months. We’ve been together since we were 15 and the entire time my depression has played a part. We’ve broken up countless times because we can’t handle each other. Thanks to my depression bringing out this huge jealousy, I feel like breaking down when he’s online because of a website called tumblr, he follows lot’s of blogs that have women half dressed or naked or doing private things etc and I get so paranoid and I go on his blog to see if he had been looking at any and it causes such big trust issues. I now feel he has ‘personal’ time with me because he gets turned on by the women he see’s. Another thing is when he complains about my depression so I feel I can’t tell him about it, but then he gets upset if I don’t tell him what’s wrong, but the thing is, he shows many signs of having depression himself and so I really think that plays a part in our relationship. However, he’s very closed and I can’t even try getting through to him because he won’t tell me anything. He struggles to have serious conversations etc with me about this and so I really don’t know what to do. Is there anything on here that can help? My Mum says I should try anti depressants as she is on them and they’re now working for her after a few ups in her dosage, but I’m scared of talking to the doctor about what’s going on. Purely, I’m scared of being judged. I was labelled psychotic in a letter me and a camhs worker wrote together, she wrote about being psychotic after she had left, without discussing it with me, that scared me and now I’m scared to talk to ‘professionals’ in case I am labelled. I’m sorry for writing this on here but I feel typing it out to other people that understand feels like some sort of relief.. I’m sorry if it bothers anyone.
Dear Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It broke my heart to read your story because some things you’ve explained can be related to what I went through in life. In a way i am happy that you have your mother which you can speak to about your worries. Try and get much help from your mum to bring your focus in to positive things. Every positive and negative feeling we get is due to a state of mind and we have the complete ability to destroy the delusional thoughts from our mind. I am learning and training to understand my mind and transform it to develop good and positive thoughts. Our mind has to be the most complex thing in this world but we have the ability to master it. I’am reading books written about transforming our mind. I also meditate sometimes so you can also try to do something like that too. A simple breath in breath out meditation can help a lot to bring your mind to a peaceful state when it’s agitated. Also talk to your bf about how you honestly feel. When you two talk, make sure you stay calm and ask him to do the same. I hope all goes well for you. Feel free to ask anything anytime on here. We are all here for two resons. It’s either to receive some help and comfort or to give help and comfort. Take care
SO much of this rings true to me,my partner is depressed. It started noticeably around 18 months ago with little things how he would handle situations not going his way etc. so about a year ago i suggested seeing a dr and after a few attempts he finally gave in and went and was told he has depression and that was that the dr didnt want to give him medication but recutantly gave him some aswell as follow up appointments for Counselling as i was told.
8 months ago it got really bad and i demanded that he got help, and he went back to a new Dr and got new meds (he stopped taking the others) things didnt really improve and still havent he has outburts when things dont go his way has mood swings that can change in a instant. all this has slowly been taking its toll on me, I always was a very upbeat positive person, but over the last year ive found myself withdrawing from things i used to enjoy i barely talk to my friends because i dont want to burden them with his/my problems, and when my friends to try to talk i dont want to talk or cant really be bothered to talk to them, also because im “not allowed” or “trusted” to have my own life. Its been 6 months since we have had sex because i honestly cant face being intimate with him, i try and explain that its because of his depression and outbursts have left me not wanting to have sex, his depression has driven a huge wedge between us but yet im not ready to give up on saving the relationship.
When he has his outbursts, he blames me for them for him being unhappy, and that its my fault that we havent had sex for months, he brings things up that happened weeks or even months ago, when i ask him to pick up after himself (for instance i left his empty packets of crisps, 4 glasses 3 plates for 2 days) he shouts and causes a argument because ive asked him to do something or when he does something like the dishes he does them Half assed and when i say about it another argument ensues, about how he cant do anything right how he’s always wrong and stupid, and he then makes it to be my fault for saying anything about it. he says we dont do anything together but the last few months ive made a point of going out together for a hour or so just around town, but he says we never do anything together its a no win situation.
After another huge row tonight which started last night (he hasnt spoken to me all day or at least in one word answers) when i asked him to sort the stuff on the bed out (to which he sorted some and moved the rest to my side of the bed) and when i mentioned it he stormed off to sleep in the living room tonight a huge fight happened things were thrown and broken, ive now found out that he deliberately hasnt been taking his pills for almost the last 2 months.
Im at a loss as to what to do, ive isolated myself in the bedroom on a daily basis because being around him is to much, i dont talk to friends about it, all i know is his depression has caused me to lose who i was.
I’m in the exact same boat as you. Almost word for word, only that we have 2 young children also (2 and 1). I feel I cant turn to anyone and have completely lost who I was, I have no idea who I am anymore. I’m at a loss with him, today we were travelling in the car to go clean my great grandads house to help him out (he’s 90), we were having a laugh in the car and then BAM! I’m a back seat driver, I’m taking the mick, I’m annoying him, shut up, shut up, etc. I explain we were joking and don’t understand where this has come from but he just gets angrier and angrier. Our kids are in the back so I’m talking to him as calmly as possible. Then suddenly, not going to grandads no more, find your own way there, get out, walk, get your mum to pick you up, etc. (none of these are possible, felt like a prisoner really). Along with SO many serious aspects of thinking “why am I still with you?!” I eventually say when we’re close to home that I can’t do it anymore and that’s it I’m done. He obviously has no emotion to this because of his depression. I’m so stuck. I can never bring myself to leave but I need help in answering a question I strongly long to ask someone but don’t want to go to friends or family. Please help if you have any answer whatsoever it’s driving me crazy with confusion, guilt, unhappiness, etc. My question is this:
Just because we’re married and he’s now depressed (has been for years) and he’s called me his rock previously when helping him through this hard time, does that forgive him of all the horrible stuff he’s done to me in the past and present? When he goes off the rails, or does drugs when I swore I’d end it if he ever did again but he did it anyway despite me being right in front of him reminding him of what I’ve said? Or when he cheated on me a couple of years back with my supposed friend (not close friend, not that it matters) or when he scares me or the kids with his anger outbursts? Or when he goes bad mouthing me to his family about how horrible I am when I’ve not done anything wrong?
Just as an insight to the few things running through my mind, honestly, am I supposed to just breathe and help him through it? Cos if I am I’ll stay and help further but if this ‘being a rock’ business means it going both ways and I’m receiving nothing on my part, is it acceptable to part ways?
Please, any advice appreciated. I feel suffocated. I have no one to talk to.
Jennifer,
You and I are on the same boat, I also have two kids and have been living with my depressed husband for about 9 years.
I have asked myself the same question plenty of times, I now feel I have reached my limit we are still living together and things are “calm” for now but I know it is just a matter of time until the next crisis or outburst. I’m giving it time but I would not blame you if you walk away.
I feel so awful for you both. Reading your words Jennifer was like reading my life at the moment. My husband suffers from depression also and until reading your words today I used to wonder if his nastiness was his character as no-one else I’ve ever spoken to (or things I’ve read online) have said about how mean someone with depression can be to their partner.
I have a child and am worried about how my husbands angry outbursts will affect her and also how it has affected me. I love him deeply and feel helpless when he is experiencing a depressed episode but find it awful trying to deal with the lonliness it brings me.
I have also asked myself the same questions and sadly have no other advice then that mentioned by Mary.
My husband keeps asking why we are still together after he’s had an outburst and says that we are more like friends. I find this really confusing as during the ‘calm’ period before an outburst things are fine and so his comments about us being together for the sake of our child make me question whether he really does love me anymore. I hope he does but it feels awful when he says he’s felt like this for ages and I’m then left wondering if he really is just staying with me because it’s the easy option.
Ultimately I think that one day, if the behaviour continues for long enough that you will be able to acknowledge that you love him, but not in the way that your relationship needs. Personally the worry about how it will affect my child when they are old enough to understand things more is the greatest fear – I don’t want them to see him calling me names/shouting/swearing at me and generally having a tantrum over the tiniest of things – it doesn’t set a very good example even though I’m aware he can’t seem to help it.
I do also wonder about the fact that I’m relatively young and so wonder how I will feel 20+ years down the line to still be married to someone who treats me like that as a result of their illness. It doesn’t make me feel very good…
I just want to say thank you for asking this. I’ve been with my partner for over 12yrs. We’ve now got a 7 & 3 yr old.
In the early years we used to have a great relationship. We did fight but the good times outweighed the bad and we really loved each other.
Looking back, I think my husband was showing signs of depression for a while, but it was formally diagnosed 3yrs ago. We had a 6 month old and I worked eve’s, we hardly saw each other – it got so strained that I insisted on going for counselling. During this process, I realised that I had feelings of depression and was given medication from my gp. During the counselling my husband was very honest and admitted he knew that he was emotionally manipulating me and didn’t say anything bad about me. But rapidly went downhill and was shortly diagnosed with depression himself.
Within a few weeks of taking medication I felt better, I agreed with my gp to come off it. I now believe that living in that environment, with a 4yr old and a newborn just got too much for me. Once I knew he was I’ll, it was like a weight was lifted. I gained the ability to be compassionate, understanding and to forgive his outbursts. Because he was I’ll and seeking help.
However, after attending 5 CBT sessions, he decided to come off medication because he now understands his condition and has techniques to use when he realises that he’s feeling low.
Except that the techniques seem to be invisible to me. I see a lot of the same symptoms, yet I’ve got to accept them because its his illness, not him. But it’s so hard. I feel so cheated as, when he’s in a good place, I never know what triggers a downturn. I nearly always get caught off-guard. It’s like I forget and then it feels worse to live with than the last time.
I am so torn, I vowed for better or worse, but man I’m so drained. I now find myself unable to maintain the compassion and have started letting my anger at the situation come out. I don’t know if I’m just all out of compassion, or if I am back to having a level of depression.
My reaction this past 2 episodes (though there was such a short gap, they may all be the same one), has made his attitude to me even worse. It’s barely concealed contempt.
But I still love the person, I’m scared to leave him, but I don’t know how much longer I can live with the depression. And I’ve not had the guts to really think about the effects on the kids long-term.
I, too can’t bare to think this is my life until the day I (or he) dies. But I will literally rip the family apart if I go.
During a “good” period, he refuses to discuss the depression. The only time I’ve tried to push it, ended up causing an episode which was squarely blamed on me as I know he suffers with depression. As horrible as it sounds, it’s like the ultimate Get Out of Jail free card.
Sorry for the long ramble, but I an so relieved to have found other people who I can identify with.
So I’ve been severely depressed for about 2years, it started off small and gradually got worse, it started when I first got with my girlfriend, I was scared of rejection which I have had all my life, I make remarks about how I don’t like all these things about her… I few weeks ago I accidentally hit her… It drove me to attempting suicide because I couldn’t believe I did it… I regret everything… She almost left me New Year’s Eve as she had enough, we are on a break and we both feel worried and scared but also excited to start the relationship again, but my worry keeps taking over about our future because she goes to uni this year and she wants me but because of all this I’ve done because of my depression.. I’m so scared that she will leave all I wamt to do is be the best for her, but my depression is holding me down, mostly my anxiety and negativity, I’m such an asshole and I just want to die.. Because I did this to us and her mad I keep worrying that we won’t last because we’re young and been together since we were 16.. Now 18 (together 2years) and I keep thinking if she is this or that and worrying and recently my feelings are coming back and I miss her and crave her the way I once did, I need my past did this to me, even with my therapy I see no way out of thinking this was, even when I lighten up and think positive I worry about losing her and I just want to make her happy no matter what and I just can’t… I’m so confused and I actually feel lost
In September I went to uni and within a few weeks I broke up with my long term boyfriend, previous to this I had been very unhappy for a while (not in the relationship but in myself), I had never spoken to anyone, not even him about how i was feeling. On top of this in January he broke up with me because i have controlling tendencies, and get very jealous when he leads his own life, because i feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, and i get anxious about what he is doing and if he is thinking about me. A few weeks ago we decided to give it another chance, yet again I have ruined it by being controlling. I urgently need help i have been unhappy for a very long time and have had thoughts of suicide and self harm. Recently i told him about how depressed i have been feeling so he knows that. Do you think there is any chance he would take me back, he is the love of my life, and i can’t let my depression ruin something so special. He says that he knows i will never change but i don’t think he realises how this depression is controlling me and my personality. I don’t want to be controlling over him but i am just so unhappy.
Hello Jake,
Thanks for sharing. To answer your question, I do believe there is a chance that you can have a relationship again with him however, I believe the key here is going to be for you to truly open up with him and let him know how you’re feeling. I understand that is always easier said than done, especially when you might not be able to find the words to explain to someone how you’re feeling but he will need to know and be kept in your loop if you want it to work out with him. My gf finally opened up to me about her depression and it made a world of difference both with how we communicate and how she needs me to best be here for her when she’s at her worst. Trust in the love you have between you and all will be okay. Best of luck to you.
Hey Jake very good advice you gave out. I believe my gf could be in and out of depression. Well I am sure she is, my question is this. We had a very good relationship up to a point. We did lots of things healthy couples do and the passion was amazing. Towards the 4 year mark her mother had become sick and she had a little girl that lived with her mom so finally she was going to have the opportunity to kind of raise the girl, plus great bonding time and mend past problems with her mom. All went well for about 7 months the I started acting neurotic about less and less phone time. Me and my ex would drink together sometimes and physically fight at times. 3 fight in 4 years and honestly one was too much, mixing booze with emotion is a dangerous combination. The last fight we got into was almost two years prior to her going to her moms. I said some pretty mean things to her mothers day because she had started pulling these disappearing acts and telling her parents she was at my house ,but I would talk to her nightly and she would always tell me stories about how her day went with daughter and that she had to go get her ready for bath or something. Once her mom started calling me I confronted her and she just needed time away, her mom could be a lot of stress on her at times. I hear rumors about infidelity from friends and would reply maybe she just needs to get that out of her system and that I was no body to judge. Up until a few days ago we were still talking some and she mentioned several times that she had interest in wiping slate clean and making trying to see if we could make it work because she not only told me but she had told my parents as well that she had never loved anyone the way she loved me and I felt the same. this has made us both kind of depressed but I just had to re-channel some energy and I don’t feel depressed or sad very often like I was. How can I get her to open up to me and regain that emotional connection we had. No not that we had because I have spent lots of time reading and studying self help I want a JOB. Not any job but a job working for you material. Really I am so consumed with learning myself and uncovered a lot about myself I just wasn’t aware of. We are in our 40s and people make bad chooses at times but I want her to grasp that I have honestly took great steps into correcting character flaws and that will continue through life for everyone I would hope? I truly am sorry for lack of no better words acting like a insecure dick, and I see how immature that made me look, plus I put off the vibe of being needy and ill admit I acted that way with just shock this was happening. Can we develop something way better than we had before with work?
Well a lot of this seemed to hit home. I can’t remember the last time I felt “normal.” From losing my daughter while pregnant 7 years ago in a not so common way, to countless mentally abusive relationships, and just a general sense of… feeling like a lost cause; I’m not even sure what “normal” would feel like if it hit me square between the eyes.
I single handedly ran my last long term relationship into the ground because of my insecurities, my binge drinking, and constant need to fight about every little thing possible. I am in a new relationship, and I find myself doing the same thing. Every little thing bothers me, I create problems that aren’t there, I get extremely hurt when he lives his own life, because I feel like when he isn’t with me… he is going to realize he’s better off without me, and will eventually abandon me; and when I drink too much, I let all my anger out on him, and then tell him over and over that he doesn’t really love me, which he assures me countless times that he does. Deep down I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved because I feel like an unlovable, horrible person. I doubt everything, my self esteem is at an all time low. I sleep too much, I find my self not being able to eat lately, and I just feel like a big helpless mess… Even when I get 8 hours of sleep, I feel drained all day, and completely unmotivated to do anything. Even my job, which is pretty easy and laid back. I feel like everyone is out to get me most of the time, and I find myself having to monitor every single thing I do or say because I have a tendency to lash out and say extremely harmful things unintentionally. I Feel like I shouldn’t have to do that, but I just don’t know. I know this isn’t “me.” I feel like a shell of myself. And after years of feeling this way, I guess it’s time to take action before I further ruin my life and relationships. It’s definitely not fair to my SO, especially since he has problems of his own. (He is an ex marine.) I guess, I keep putting off seeking help, because I don’t want anything to be wrong, and I don’t want to have to rely on medication to be a functioning, stable person in society. But I can’t keep blaming my actions and moodswings on being a girl. Being 24, that is not right.
Hi Cortney,
Did you know that there are over 19 million people in the US who suffer from depression? It’s not a bad thing, it happens. It doesn’t mean that something is “wrong” with you nor does or would it make you any less of a person. I hope you find the courage and strength though to talk to someone. There are other avenues to help get you out of this rut that don’t involve having to take medication. A lot of times just talking to a professional- someone biased that doesn’t know you personally- can really help and give you a new boost of confidence and outlook. Best of luck to you.
I have been dating a girl with depression for the past 3 months. Her ex boyfriend was abusive, emotionally, physically and sexually. She is also diagnosed with depression and attempted suicide in the past.
When I first met her we got along great and connected on an intimate level. She opened up to me and disclosed her past which was huge to her because she doesn’t tell anyone about her past and expose herself in a vulnerable way. She portrays herself as being strong and independent, I know this can be compensating for her insecurities. Things were fine and our relationship was progressing. We both go to school full time at the same college and are heavily involved in organizations so out time together is usually restricted for weekends. In the beginning we would talk for hours and enjoy each others company but over the past month I have seen regression in her openness and emotional connection between us. After observing this behavior and not addressing it for about a month I addressed it when the semester ended to see what was wrong.
She told me she wasn’t sure about us anymore and that she needs space. She said it wasn’t anything I was doing and that she is doesn’t want to pursue a relationship right now because she still resents her ex and feels emotionless inside and it isint fair to me because she can’t express the love I show her back. I’m so confused because I made her happy in the beginning and clicked so well. All I want for her is to be happy but I’m afraid of losing her. My biggest question is that is all this a function of her depression or is that she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Help 🙁
She went back home for the break and we left on improved terms in which she reopened up to me and told me she is frustrated that everyone still treats her like she is that depressed and scared girl that she is trying so hard to not be, we kissed and connected for the first time on a couple weeks. She is extremely bright and is completely aware of all of her issues. She takes medication and talks with professionals. She went back home for the semester gap so I won’t see her for 20 days. I just want to know my best approach and how to handle this situation to help get the most and maintain our relationship because I want to help her
Mike –
Thanks for sharing your situation with your girlfriend. First off, my heart goes out to you for continuing to love her even through the confusion. To answer your biggest question: yes, that is all a function of her depression. It is a great thing that she is taking medicine and seeing a therapist for her depression however, depending on the severity, even with medication and talk therapy, this will always be an issue in the relationship, if you should choose to stay with her.
I have been dealing with the up and down rollercoaster of my partners depression for over a year now. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers with depression, I can’t even fathom what they go through on a daily basis. My partner is currently not medicated or seeing a therapist. We have finally gotten to the point where we can talk about it openly but the action to get her help is completely out of my control. You said you have only been dating your girlfriend for 3 months, correct? Do you see a true and lasting connection there?
I have known my partner for 8 years, we were best friends in HS then parted ways during college and reconnected a year and a half ago. During the time we didn’t keep in contact, she was in an abusive relationship and it was that relationship that has triggered her depression. I am well aware of how tough depression is on the depressed, but it is truly very hard on the ones who are closest to them. Really, really hard. Everything that you read above in the article is completely spot on and very indicative of how a depressed person acts/feels. Your head will never spin with more confusion that when you’re trying to figure out how to best communicate or support a depressed person. In general. It’s 110 times worse when there’s an intimate connection there. Moods can switch quicker than one can blink with my partner and the results therein surround me with feelings of abandonment, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and a plethora of other feelings when she is in the throws of depression.
I ask if you see the relationship being a lasting connection because I’m not sure that anyone realizes the drain and impact that it will have on your life being a support system. Every situation is different but if you don’t see it being long term, I would suggest being there for her as a friend. That is my suggestion solely because I know the toll is it taken on my heart and my self esteem, and you’d be surprised how quickly your self esteem and self worth leaves you and you don’t know until its already gone or already 3/4 depleted. Keeping enough space ensued through a friendship, not a relationship, will just help to protect you from the depths. You seem like a very sweet, loving and understanding guy and I hope you will remember to keep your own needs in check while being there for your girlfriend. Also, I’m positive that your presence in her life means more than she can probably find the words or emotion to tell you.
McKenzie,
Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate the feedback and advice.
Everything you have said makes sense, and to answer your question I do see a long lasting connection between us. We connect and go together better than either of us has with any other person, in regards to a relationship.
I do see this relationship long term. I do not want to give up on her as I am stunned by how much I care about her. Since we went through the moment of uncertainty I have come to realize how much I value her as a friend and partner.
It all makes sense that this a function of depression. She is an extremely hard working, driven person, who puts a lot on herself academically which compiled with the past can be overwhelming to her.
Let me give you some more details to the situation, Last semester was when she was dealing with her most difficult spell of depression. She lives in Chicago, so she was away from home which did not help the situation. Last semester her grades suffered and she lost a ton of weight, skipping class because she couldn’t get out of bed, putting her scholarship in jeopardy. I did not know her then but from what she tells me about it was pretty bad. When I first met her this semester she projected such optimism, playfulness and life. I understand that she can be overcompensating for her insecurities but she is such a resilient and intelligent girl. She recognizes all of her problems and emotional issues and is doing what she needs to fix them. She is very in tuned with herself and her emotions.
We hit it off so well and dated casually and as things progressed she opened up to me and eventually told me about everything, allowing herself to be vulnerable. Before she met me she was scared and sometimes of skittish around me and all men because she was afraid of being physically hurt. She constantly would need validation that I care about her and I wasn’t going to hurt her. She let me in emotionally and we cuddle, kiss and physical contact is welcomed. We have not had sex, nor is that important. As the semester went on we stopped seeing each other as much because of academics and organizational priorities and I noticed things were stagnate. We would still hangout and go about the same way in which we treated each other but I saw a regression in her. To be completely honest, I have never dealt with anything like this but at the same time I have never cared about someone so much. Over the past 3 weeks I can admit tingly say I was not as in tuned with her emotions as I should have been which could have brought up skepticism in her mind about my motives. As previously stated in my last comment, things were left off face-to-face when I went to see her off to her hometown for the semester break. She reopened up to me and told me about how she was frustrated with everyone still treating her as if she is a “loose cannon” and she is extremely stressed because of school and everything. We ended up kissing and sharing a solid moment. She also said she doesn’t understand why I would want to put up with her and that she cant show me the love I deserve.
Over the break there have been some positive signs, she has initiated contact with me, including flirty and even selfies of herself. The relationship is in no way solidified as she said she wanted space and time and I am sure she is using it. I can tell she is conflicted but she is showing signs of still wanting this to work. I will not have physical contact with her for 20 more days, which scares me because I know that it is important. I just want her to be happy.
To answer you’re question. I do want to invest myself into her. I know that it will be worth it even though its going to be a painful and long journey, she is worth it me. Please let me know what you think, and how I should approach this.
Thank you,
-Mike
Mike,
I am still so impressed by you. You have a good heart, don’t ever lose that! I apologize for the delay in response. I truly feel that you should continue to follow your heart and your gut instincts. It seems to me that you are a good fit for her and she knows that. That’s why she feels able to be open with you. This is a huge deal if you didn’t know. My advice though is to just make sure that you keep track of your own feelings and well-being at all times of course, but definitely when or if she seems to be in the throws of her depression. I think you’re doing all the right things and it is my hope that she will continue to better her situation both for herself and for your relationship together. Showing her love and compassion, just as you have been, will pay off. I see you both being very happy together. 🙂 🙂
I’ve been depressed for the longest time. I always avoid my family and friends. I can’t sleep at night. If I do some competitive sports I’m happy, but not long after I’m back to being depressed. I get lost in my thoughts and stare at something for hours. If someone comes by to ask if I’m OK, I put on a fake smile and say everything is fine then go on my way. For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to lose all my friends and get away from family. An image of a knife stabbing my heart keeps playing in my head like a broken record. I think about all the different ways I can kill myself. When I pass a bridge I imagine myself jumping off. My life seems pointless, like nothing matters. We are all going to die anyways so I should just speed up the process. I don’t want this. I want to be free. Please help me.
I am no expert on depression or a therapist but feeling that way isn’t worth your own life. You may be hopeless, confused, you may have isolated yourself from all those that love you but If you can’t muster up the strength to seek help yourself do it for those that love you.
My boyfriend is suffering from depression and he won’t admit it. Instead he broke up with me and won’t even talk to me. When he did this I tried to kill myself because I felt I was suffocating and didn’t want to feel that pain anymore. But if you love your friends and family even if you can’t express that right now then go seek help. Go see a professional. You can’t see any light or point to it, but it will end. And not because you end it because there is help, there is hope and things can and well get better. Hold on to that. People fall apart sometimes for reasons beyond their control but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the end of all things, including your life.
“People fall apart sometimes for reasons beyond their control but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the end of all things, including your life.”
i think thats very true, and i think part of the pain of depression is at least a partial understanding that things out of your control are affecting or have affected you a lot of different ways. it seems a lot that people with strong coping skills often aren’t too much different from people suffering from something like depression, but often have high self-esteem, or even just realistic self-esteem. i know depression in my case has pushed me to limits of self-hate that were really just delusional. so if i could add anything to say to pavel is don’t or stop underestimating yourself, and come to some self-understanding that you in truth aren’t worthless at all; suffering and depression change obviously how you feel about yourself, and in some sense you are separated from yourself. find with time what makes you feel good, even a little spark of it and follow that. idk if that adds anything but really don’t/never kill yourself. permanent solution to temporary problems..
Okay, this made me understand alot more than what i have from now from reading about depression and various other things. My girlfriend just hit her 2nd depression after we got together(we been together half a year). She tried her everything to push me away this sunday when the first signs of depressions started. But i tried my best to reassure her and show my love and care for her in the ways i could(long distance currently). And after sunday we have barely talked at all, we use to talk and have fun with games almost every day.
Today nothing, and the two other days it’s just been like 2-5 messages total. So i guess this would be totally normal for a depressed girlfriend. So i’m thinking i should give her space and let her crawl out of her shell and contact me in a few days, or if i dont hear anything by friday i should contact her and let her know i’m still there for her. She has mostly isolated herself with TV the last days(she almost always prefers to be on computer, so watching TV so much is completely new).
So i feel devastated that i don’t know how’s shes doing or feeling, and feel this would end the whole relationship. As she tried to push me away for the 3rd time this weekend, and said i should find someone more stable. So is there anyone that’s able to give some advice? or should i stick with the let her contact me, if not by friday, i contact her?
My friend I have read your post and many others and the one thing that stands out is the love and care that you have and everyone else has , a depressed person does not look to battle with anyone but they believe you are trying to have a battle with them so they attack you make you question your actions even to the point that you believe you could be hurting them when your not .
I have just come out of a 3 month relationship and it was so new to me and totally draining to be with someone who accused me of everything , from a happy well balanced guy I new if I stayed in this relationship I would become less of a person.
When you start to lose who you are and you become almost like a depressed person then you have to ask yourself do I stay and die inside or go and love life to the full ?