Depression sets relationship traps for both partners. Everything can change quickly between two people, and it’s crucial to be able to spot these changes as soon as possible.
Here are 11 signs of the illness that seem perfectly designed to undo the bonds of closeness.
Humor, talking and doing things together, sharing special moments – they’re all gone.
In their place are avoidance, anger, blame and isolation.
Two Sides of Depression
Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side.
It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they’re feeling. The person they’re closest to takes the brunt of their anger. The first several symptoms in this list describe these behaviors.
On the passive side, the abuse is turned inward. It’s the depressed partner who’s the center of every problem. They’re self-absorbed to the point of losing the ability to relate to others in a realistic way.
Instead of denial and blaming everyone else for their pain, they focus on their own worthlessness, even to the point of thinking constantly of suicide as the only way out.
Many of these relationship traps converge and become all the more damaging through their combined impact. The specific behaviors can emerge in dozens of different ways, and here I’ve drawn partly on what I did when depressed. The experience could feel very different in your relationship.
The Relationship Traps
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Irritability.
Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.
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Control.
When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. Even the flow of spontaneous feeling in the family can be threatening. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they’re desperate to preserve. That order, however, is completely arbitrary and can vary from moment to moment, depending on their own feelings. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.
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Blame.
The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ruining their lives and ignoring their needs. They keep lists of their grievances and obsess about the way they’re frustrated at every turn. Their partner is selfish and never tries to help. At work, they’re driving them crazy. Someone else is always at fault. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.
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Abuse.
Contempt and rejection become common. There is rebuke in every glance. Dismissive remarks about their partner’s appearance and attempts at conversation become the norm. With verbal attacks, they try to manipulate partners into believing they’re the ones in need of help and cause them to question their own judgment. At social gatherings, the depressed partners can make cutting remarks and ignore their partners while engaging happily with everyone else. At the worst, verbal abuse can even escalate to physical attacks.
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Addiction/Escape.
Trying to escape the pain of depression can lead to addictive behavior. Alcohol can dull all feeling. Drugs, pornography, affairs or fantasies of escaping to a new life can all provide temporary emotional highs and arousal to replace the despair or lack of deep feeling depression can cause. Real intimacy and relationship seem remote and disappear in the need to get away from the reality of the illness. The well partners can’t get through to them and can face angry denial that there’s anything wrong with them.
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Emotional Withdrawal.
Suddenly a depressed partner can feel like they’re not there. Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life. Nothing seems to get through to them. It’s as if they’ve disappeared. A relationship becomes impossible when it’s all one way.
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Obsessive Thinking.
It’s often called ruminating, but I prefer to call it obsessive thinking. That gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they’ve ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn’t make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person. They’re always close to the surface and provide reminders every day of how inadequate they are. These thoughts are a constant distraction from any effort to connect with a partner. They’re lost in these memories of everything they’ve ever done wrong and can never set right.
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Isolation.
Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left. Even when not so desperate, they may want to do things alone that they used to do with their partners. They may work all the time and avoid the pressure of being with people. The well partner is deserted. There’s literally no one there to try to relate to.
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Indifference.
Sometimes the sense of being overwhelmed or too despairing to face anyone is replaced by the inability to feel much of anything. The partner might say everything is fine, but there is no sense of real connection. Nothing stirs excitement. There’s no interest in sex. They may say they feel fine but have no interest in doing anything. They can be apparently quite sociable and at ease but can’t share anything deep or really make contact. Something is missing inside.
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Inability to Talk.
Depression can be so deep that the desire to talk and communicate disappears. The partner might be content to sit and stare for hours. If asked what’s wrong or if they want anything, there’s little response. Or if they’re still active, they may just find it impossible to talk about the depression they’re experiencing. They may say they’re trying to spare their partners the turmoil they’re going through. Or they can feel there is something so monstrous in them that they dare not expose it to anyone close. Nothing inside can be exposed through words.
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Shame and Worthlessness.
One of the hallmarks of depression is the overpowering sense of worthlessness. Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I’ve never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Everyone else may think I’m fine but they just don’t know what really goes on inside me. My partner couldn’t possibly love an idiot like me. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.
It’s hard to imagine a more complete inventory of weapons for destroying relationships. Even one or two would be like poison, but depression often brings them all together. They may not all occur within a single episode, but any of them can arrive without notice.
In future posts in this series, I’ll discuss how both partners can deal with these destructive changes and try to survive depression together.
How has depression affected your relationships? Have you watched a partner disappear in this illness, or have you been the depressed one imposing pain on your partner?
Image by pumpkinmook at Flickr
What u wrote on this page sounds like me… I am with an amazing man for 4 1/2 years now… I have been depressed for a year now and the feelings I have for him right now I don’t know why they are there… I have my moments where I know I am in love with him but it doesn’t last long… it’s hard for me to be around him bc I feel like I am lying to him all the time… I feel like I am lying to everyone as well… I cant even say sweet things to him anyone without feeling I am pretending…
I have been on medication this past year but it did nothing…. there is no reason for me to feel this way for him… :'( I really don’t wanna break up with him but everytime I say that the voices in my head says it’s bc u don’t wanna hurt him… one time this year that voice was gone for a whole week and I was able to really enjoy my time with him… I test myself all the time which this page says it’s obsessive thinking…. :'( I don’t want it to end there is so much more I wanna do with him… I don’t wanna give up on our relationship. :'(
Hi Amanda,
Holy crap this sounds exactly like me. Been with my bf for over 5 years and last night I tried to break up with him for no reason. Hes a great guy and same as you have those moments when its grate but like you say it doesn’t last long. We used to have fun and everything but about the last 6 months to a year I’ve been feeling pretty indifferent to the relationship. I never even considered it was depression until today when I freaked out at work after what I did. I’m not sure what I want and I don’t know if that’s because I might be depressed (think I’m am based on the research I’ve done today, oddly was ticking a lot of boxes but didn’t realise til I saw everything in a list together – thought I was just being lazy or a bit unmotivated). Or is it the relationship? Yep that obsessive thinking sounds pretty accurate.
The ironic thing is for the first year of the relationship I helped him through depression and didn’t even see this coming. This confusion is f***ed. I know you wrote this over a month ago so hope ur doing better since then, not sure why I wrote except that I was relived someone else felt the same 🙂
Will writing a letter once a week, help? Not sending text messages or private message via WhatsApp. The person in question had actually
Shut out totally from me, via any social media. It was a family member who told me he has depression, and now going through an episode. Not sure if writing a letter will make him push me further away. I had thought this mode of communication with him, is not so direct, n no pressure for any reply. Can anyone advise?
When will the rest of the article be posted? On how to deal with these traps, I mean.
Hi, Dakota H. –
There are several posts about this: e.g. http://www.storiedmind.com/relationship/how-to-save-relationship-from-depression/ and others listed under the category “relationship” – http://www.storiedmind.com/relationship/ – Also the ebook on Surviving Depression Together.
All the best – John Folk-Williams
Well you’ve hit the nail right on the head with this one. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months now, we argue and get on each other’s nerves like most couples but we make an amazing team. I have no doubt that this is the man I want to marry. But in just a couple days he has turned into this cold person, that shows no compassion for how I feel. He says that he suffers from situational depression and is on Meds for depression but he is pushing me far far away. He took four hours to write 4 thank you notes because he didn’t want to have to hang out or be around me. He can’t sleep, his insomnia is so bad. I can feel him toss and turn all night. He first blames himself and can’t comprehend why he is depressed, but today he said he thinks it might have something to do with us. I love him so much and I am a very strong person, how do help him when he wont let me?
I just don’t understand.
L
Every issue you mentioned is spot on. I have been living with severe depression and anxiety for my whole life. I have always struggled to manage but as I got older I saw my friends, family and peers excel in life past me. I became more and more isolated due to my embarrassment and shame over my life situation.
A beautiful woman came into my life and really believed in me. She was my dream girl in almost every way but its nearly impossible to love another person when you cant even love yourself. We went through every stage you mentioned in your post. My low self-esteem and poor self image makes me expect and anticipate rejection and abandonment. As I saw the intensity with which this girl loved me and tried to help me, the more intense my feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness intensified. I felt I would eventually let her down. I felt like such a loser – what could a beautiful, outgoing, driven person such as herself see in me? I felt it was only a matter of time until she saw who I really was ( a loser stuck in perpetual depression and self loathing) and abandon me – just like everyone before her.
She refused to give up but my depression is just too strong. The closer she would get, the further I would push her away. The intense feelings of shame and embarrassment and wothlessness in the face of someone trying their best to help you is a level of pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. I turned my fear into anger and was starting fights and arguments for no reason. I would have almost psychotic temper tantrums (no violence) and just yell and scream and want to quit.
Eventually – she didnt want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard and she had tried everything she could. She had to let go and she did. Now I am left feeling abandoned even though I pushed her away. I pushed her away because I was trying to manage the sadness I would feel when she left. I turned to anger as a way to combat shame and fear. Sitting here knowing my illness caused me to hurt someone that loved me and pushed me into a deeper hole than before ia almost unbearable. I dont expect anyone to read or respond but I had to write it out.
Well written blog.
Hi A Man,
I just wanted to say that you sound like you could be writing about my situation, but from the point of view of my wonderful, depressed ex-partner. In fact, I wish it were my ex-partner writing, because at least then I would know that he understood what had happened and did genuinely care about me. It can be very painful to be pushed away by someone who you love.
In my eyes it is brave to acknowledge your difficult feelings and you seem to have a good amount of insight into your own situation. I am sorry that you are so unhappy and I hope that you are getting some help. There are many, many different ways to treat depression and I would urge you to see that as a challenge to find one that may work for you. Of course there are drugs and talking therapies, but there are also many other approaches -the most interesting of which, in my opinion, is nutritional and amino acid therapy. I have found The Mood Cure in particular an incredibly interesting read and it has taught me a lot about the biochemistry of depression.
Finally, it does sound like you pushed your partner away very hard, but do not underestimate the strength of love. Strangely, although I have been completely sidelined and gone from being all to nothing important in the eyes of my depressed ex, my feelings for him are just as strong as they always were. I personally do not blame him for what has happened and wish him well in every sense. That said, neither your ex, nor anyone, can be your saviour -only you can do that, but once you are feeling well who knows what may be possible?
Please never lose hope x
This really hits home lately as my now ex Brokeup with me 2 weeks ago and stopped contacting me. Throughout our 10 month relationship everything started out great. There were moments of affection, intimacy, and she would always tell me how I made her feel great, feel Different, how I was winning her heart over. The next remaining months contained many ups and downs with emotions where she would seem uninterested at times, making me question where our relationship was headed… Did she lose interest? What was I doing wrong? I am more of an affectionate romantic guy who is in touch with my emotions and always gives advice to others on theirs. I understand people, or so I thought until experiencing depression from her first hand. I never held this against her and she was hurting herself at times, self medicating with alcohol in spurts, pornography, but always took her zoloft everyday. She was always the best at faking she was ok and wearing a smile, laughing with friends and being social. However I saw her pain and depression. I always offered to listen and just be there for her but she always considered herself a “vault” when it came to feelings and emotions. Over time she became increasingly distant but then would suddenly become needy, affectionate and intimate again. Just to sink back within a moments notice. I found myself developing my own anxiety and became medicated because I was always constantly trying to read her mind and didn’t know how to approach her at what time and moment. I always surprised her with things, bought her sweet meaningful gifts, paid so much attention to her and have always been good at noticing small things like her new hair style or new clothing. Etc. She always felt guilty about me buying things, being so nice to her, and always told me she couldn’t reciprocate the intimacy I showed her. She truly had a block when it came to expressing romance. At the drop of a hat after a pointless meaningless arguement she decided that we were compatible anymore, she was too messed up for me. She had started hurting herself again, I deserved so much better because I had done nothing but be amazing to her. She couldn’t possibly comprehend how someone like herself could be with someone like me. Someone so sweet, kind, and caring. I tried reassuring her I’ve always been there for her and always would be. She said she would miss me terribly and always look back fondly on our times. That all the signs of her being in love with me were there but she’s not capable of feeling love. But now she’s gone.. And I haven’t heard from her since. The last moment was an email I received late the night of the breakup saying “I just want to let you know I’m sorry, again”. I am crushed.
Dear Jayme,
I am sorry to hear what both of you are going through. When someone in a depression, they can shut down doors to all the loved ones. Sometimes depressed people can express their feelings to a stranger than a close friend or family member. However, it can depend on the individual. I think it would be best if you give her some space for a while. This can be a very hard thing to do but it could help you both to re-adjust your mind and realise what is import. You can call it a spiritual separation. I hope things will get better for you both. Good luck 🙂
Regards,
Indie
At first you used love
To make me feel safe
Had no clue that your life was all over the place.
Then summer came and the days grew long
You put in the effort – I knew we belonged.
You’d dance round the kitchen,
We kissed on the floor,
I thought in those moments;
‘I need noone more’
Then the contact stopped.
It was like a cork popped.
And your love seemed to pour,
All over that floor.
I felt hopeless and sad that I couldn’t restore,
Or bring back belief,
Make you feel love once more.
The one thing you yearned for – I couldn’t replace,
I’d have given the earth to stop tears on your face.
I stepped back and waited to see if it came,
Did I dream that first kiss we shared out in the rain?
Back when we’d have fun,
When you weren’t in such pain.
I tried and I tried – I could do nothing more,
To bring back the love that lay there on that floor.
Hi,
I recently started a treatment for depression, i had to lose the love of my life (My Husband) in order to know this was a very serious disease and that i had to take action not only because it was the cause of my failure as a wife but also because i was at the edge of dying when my relationship ended. I had been diagnosed with major depression and was referred to a psychiatric but i started feeling better and ignored my Dr’s recommendation, I came into this relationship when i had just recovered from an episode of depression my husband boosted up my recovery but never actually witnessed an episode, got engaged married just a few months after i know i was married the one i had no doubt, but through all the stress of relocating to a new city, preparing not one but two weddings one in my home town and the other in his hometown, quitting my job and been away from all the people i knew and loved along with some other issues i lost my self completely, i started a marriage completely lost in my emotions i was stressed, sad, confused, annoyed and Depressed, it seemed impossible to adapt, i had no desire to do anything or see anyone, i could not get out of bed. My husband did not know what to do he couldnt understand my behavior, he tried his best to make me feel comfortable and he did almost anything possible to make me happy but it was useless, i was just not there mentally. He started losing him self after a couple of months he was not as loving as before, he was cold, irritable this just made everything worst i felt unwanted and i started giving up on my self, we couldnt talk to each other anymore, we would argue for any reason it was getting from bad to worst. So i left, i didnt know what to do, he was hurt and i was very hurt too, it was necessary to give each other some space to calm our selves down and clear our head, he tried several times to work things out but i know i was not ready i could not figured out yet my way out of all those bad feelings. I was so lost, the last time we met was a failure so i decided to bring up divorce why? i dont know i just wanted to be ok and i wanted him to be ok. He refused to ever consider it but i kept on insisting at that moment my easy way out. He finally gave up and agreed which brought me to the worst episode of my life, i had lost the guy i loved the most, for the first time of my life i was heartbroken i started having constant suicidal thoughts, i would see my family suffer seeing me that way and not knowing what to do to help me, i was deeply sad and just wanted to be ok i wanted to feel normal again i felt i was dying slowly. Finally searched for help amd referred to a mental health facility where i will be seen a psychiatric, a Dr., group meeting and meds. This is the beginning of a new life, i need to heal. Nothing hurts more that losing my husband over depression, i could of avoid it if i would have helped my self before, if i would of not ignored this ugly disease i been dragging since i was a teenager.
Dear Lily,
I am deeply sorry to hear what you are going through. I believe I can understand what you are going through. I first came to this website several weeks ago because I thought I was going through an episode of depression. I have always been a person who was very close to my wife. I built my whole family life around her. I have no close friends or family around me. I think this made me become more and more close and attach to my wife. I always thought we are a team of two. It never bothered me that I don’t have friends or that I don’t have a life outside my marriage. Because of my this behavior, I’ve started loosing the few friends I had but I was still happy because I was around the love of my life. Overtime I became so dependable on my wife’s love. We’ve been together for almost a decade now. Few years ago there was a incident that happened to damaged the trust I have on her. Since then we’ve talked and I’ve manged to forgive her for any mistakes. However, since that unpleasant experience I became over protective of my wife and maybe I’ve tried to control too many things in our relationship. I think that made her to feel depressed about the relationship and we started having arguments more and more often. I’ve tried explaining to her that I’ve been like that only because I love her and I want to protect our relationship, but it was clearly not healthy for our relationship. Sometimes I felt that she is not able to understand how I feel. These arguments put me into an episode of depression. I felt so lost and insecure, I lost the interest in everything. Probably the worst feeling I’ve had in my life so far. I’ve then decided that I need some help to get through this. I’ve made a promise to myself, that I would get through this depression in one piece without going into medication. I owe this to myself. I am not going to be cruel to my life and destroy my life. Since then I’ve started taking a little bit of quite time for myself, I’ve started meditating. Through meditating I want to transform my mind to find true happiness. I want to be able to let go of things and not become over attached to anything or anyone. I want to be able to let go of my mental toxins, and find inner peace within me, I want to learn to love myself again and love and be kind to all living beings. Since starting to meditate, I can see a clear transformation in my life already. I think I’ve become more calm and a compassionate person. I’ve met so many wonderful people when meditating who have similar interests in achieving for themselves. I’ve learned a lesson in life – That it is very important to have a balanced life. I am still with my wife and I still love her to bits, but I don’t know where our future would take us. I hope we both will be able to live together happily. If we can’t, then I would like us to go our own ways and I want her to live a happy life.
When I was a teen, I’ve heard about people going through depression but I never thought I would ever be one of them one day. I want to let you know that you are never alone. There are hundreds and thousands of other people that are going through some form of a depression each day – most important thing is don’t let your the mental toxins take control over your mind. Thoughts that are born within our mind – sad as well as happy ones are ephemeral. They never can last forever. Try and do something that makes you happy. Be kind and helpful to people. Don’t ever be afraid to help someone. You will feel so powerful and feel amazingly good when you know you have helped someone – trust me. I hope this message finds you well. Find your courage and determination and I know you will get through this difficult time. Good luck 🙂
Regards,
Indie
Thanks for this blog – it’s been unbelievably helpful to the extent that I have just spent the last hour reading it and the sense it has made is unbelievable. My girlfriend exhibits many, almost all of these, and I start to doubt my own sanity sometimes as the person who isn’t depressed. She’ll admit it at times, asking why she’s so sad, she’ll say depression, but beyond these moments she won’t engage in any conversation about it. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I’m a ghost in the Sixth Sense when I try and talk to her but get next to no response from her and anything I say is received blankly. Often I’m left thinking “is it me?’ and I blame myself. I miss intimacy, I miss her smiling, and the strange thing is, and I have started talk about it with some friends, is that in social situations – and this is mentioned in the post – she seems happy and normal. It’s the moment we leave that everything I do is wrong and gets criticised. It feels like I’m stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship which I should walk away from but don’t because I want this to work. This is the most helpful series of comments I have found because sometimes I doubt my own sanity. My own diagnosis would have her a depressed, bi-polar narcissist.
I suffer from depression and my ex-boyfriend did not. In a heated debate I told him I suffered from depression and he kicked me out. We got back together and ever since then we fought. I am ashamed to admit it. I understand where your girlfriend is coming from by not telling you. I would say not to give up on her if you still love her. Maybe suggesting that you both should get therapy will encourage her to get some help. Most important, get educated about the illness if you haven’t done so already. This is so vital because this way you will see which next step to take. I wish I never would have told by boyfriend of my illness. I felt guilty everyday for doing so because ever since that day it was nothing but fights and fights. Now I wonder what it would have been like if I never said anything. Get some help for yourself and encourage your partner to do as well. Good luck to you both 🙂
Hi Tim,
It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. I feel like I’m losing it. I met my fiance 2 years ago. Our relationship started off really well but about 3 months in we started to fight over silly little things. I didn’t think much of it.. thought maybe we just needed to work on some things. But 2 years later I’m kicking myself for not noticing what was really happening. We fight over everything. No matter how big or small we argue about EVERYTHING.. and 90% of our arguments start because of his angry attitude toward me. Back in August I caught him on craigslist looking for sex. I threatened to leave and he finally admitted he was diagnosed with depression before he met me. He said he had been in denial about it but was ready to get help to fix our relationship. Well he started to see a therapist and was prescribed Cymbalta… I feel like our relationship is now worse than it’s ever been. He’s not always taking his medicine, we’re fighting almost every other day, he always wants to know where i am, he’s constantly accusing me of not loving him and paying him enough attention, he accuses me of not being attracted to him. EVERYTHING is my fault… which makes me feel insane because I do nothing but bend over backward to make him happy. I get him little presents, I show him constant affection and attention, I make sure our sex life itns’t lacking…. BUT IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. He still says I don’t care about him or our relationship. His attitude is absolutely terrible.. he’s so incredibly mean. He’s not afraid to fight with me in the middle of the grocery store with 20 people standing there watching us. I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I don’t even want to be around him, it just feels tense and forced. I feel like I have to constantly keep up a fake smile around him to keep him happy… I tip toe around him so I don’t rock the boat. I am completely and utterly miserable. I’m normally one of the happiest people you will ever meet, but now I feel like everyday is a struggle. When is he gonna lash out next? I am honestly scared that if I leave he will kill himself. His whole life revolves around me. He says no one else cares about him, that he has nothing except me… meanwhile he NEVER talks to his friends or his family so it’s his own fault. I don’t know what to do. I do love him and care about him but I feel like NOTHING is working. I feel hopeless.
The big kicker….. He doesn’t act this way toward anyone else…ONLY me . He can put on a fake smile and fake a good time around everyone else for the most part
Hi, me and my girlfriend of 4 years broke up a few days ago. I have had depression for the last six months which has been affecting us both more and more as time has gone on. It’s only taking her to leave me to realise I have a serious problem and I need help – which I am getting. Almost all of the symptoms in the post have affected me and it got to the point where my girlfriend couldn’t take me being miserable any more as its making her miserable. She works hard 10-12 hours days 6 days a week lately and I haven’t been able to support her like she needs. When we split I was unable to say anything or get the words out about how I feel so I went up the following night to tell her how I really felt. She says she doesn’t see how the relationship can move forward and that I’ve hurt and embarrassed her with the way Iv’e been acting. This is due to the fact I kept going down to my dads on weekends to drink with friends or just by myself – I don’t even know why. She also said she needs time to herself to figure out what she wants so does that mean I might have a faint hope of saving my relationship. I am now on anti depressants two days after the split and determined to get better. Do I stay in regular contact (she has said I can text her) or give her the space she needs? How can I convince her that I haven’t been myself and I’ve been very sick and that I can get better? It’s breaking my heart that the one person I want to talk to about this now is the one person I can’t. Thanks.
She sounds as if she is depressed herself. It is common when one partner experiences a major depressive episode for the other too as well. She missed ur love when u were ill and it spun her into one. You know all the answers too they will help you. You know it was not a choice ur brain switches negative all the time. Its like u cant construct a future properly as if those parts are taking away and u stuck in limbo. She will be feel guilty and scared and wont be able to communicate. It isnt that she doesnt want to it is because she mentally cant. Its easier to talk to strangers than close relatives because the brains blocks them out. Its like a safety mode the brain reboots in. The episode produces sub concious thoughts that were repressed to resubmerge and be thought over it is a very very horrible experience but when u emerge u will be a stronger person of urself. It takes 18mths universally world wide for a episode to naturally cure itself. U need to be just her friend and there in the background. She will push u away and reach out to strangers to save her that is normal. Its normal to cut yourself away for 10 hrs a day. You just have to accept shes gone and wont be bk for a year shes a shell of herself abit like a coma. Those 2 hrs shes arounds just be pleasant thats all u can do. The rejection isnt about u at all it is all about her now. Read alot on depression it will help u .
hi
hope someone can guide me through as my 10yrs married life is going through turmoil. my wife is always blaming me for her sadness. i don’t know if she’s really depressed or just her nature like this. she is extremely caring person but on the flip side she is extremely possessive and jealous. i can’t even talk to my family members. whenever i talk to my family member she becomes extremely upset and violent. she blames me i like family members or friends more than her. whenever i see therapist they want to see my wife but whenever i try to persuade her to see therapist she opposes and never believes she has any problem.
i tried to trace down the reason behind her behavior and discovered violent childhood due to fight between parents . not to be surprised her other two sisters and her parents have also exactly same problem which i am facing. i’m not sure if she’s victim of genetic issues or upbringing like this.
i am feeling very helpless as i have no one to talk to. she keeps track of all my phone calls and stay with me all the time. i can’t leave her because i really love her and hoping one day she will recover from that. i got two beautiful daughters and i can’t even think about living without them.
please help me i’m fully shattered.
Reading this I see so many similarities in what I am going through. I flip out over the most mundane and stupid things. I hardly bother with my family. I shout and rant and rave at my wife. I have tried pills but they don’t work,. I have tried therapy…same result.
I take no pleasure in life anymore. I feel disconnected from things. I don’t sleep very well. I get called lazy cause I don’t do a proper job of the housework. I read a lot cause in all honesty its an escape. Same thing with the Xbox . I have tried explaining to my wife that the depression causes anger but she’s always saying that’s not true. She also says I have anger issues and not depression. I know my own mind though. I have no reason to be angry at anyone so why am I ? That I don’t know, that’s the frustrating part for me. I have left my wife before and come back. Its always been over being accused of cheating, something I would never do. I am not perfect in any way but there are things I would never do. I love working probably to much and its not easy for me not working and being stuck in the trap of not being well enough to work but missing working. I have read through some of the things on this blog and actually felt the need to actually write some thing about how my depression is affecting me and those around me. I am messing up so many peoples lives and I can’t do anything about it. I want to but I don’t know how. I have been thinking about ending things simply because that is the “magic cure” its the easy fix. But I know its not the right thing to do. I hope one day I will have gotten through this and got back to being the person I used to be. I am sick of feeling angry so once I have posted this I am going to a mental hospital to try and get some real help. The state of the NHS in england doesn’t fill me with confidence but I have to try something because there’s nobody else to drive me along the road to recovery. I haven’t been violent towards anybody but i will admit that i looks and sounds like I could be when I am flipping out. I love my wife dearly but there’s times that I do not appear to show it. I do tell her that I love her and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. But with how i feel most of the time out must come across to her that I don’t mean it. What’s brought my depression on ? I don’t know the exact thing that’s made me feel how I do. I had a stressful job there where deaths in the family and a very insecure wife. I do know that I am losing everything and the part of me that’s being affected by my depression overrides the real me. The part of me that should be fighting back against the way I am acting is being over ridden by my depression.
Depression is a vile and destructive illness and I have really got to the stage where I need real help. Wish me luck in beating this.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. Just the thing you wish to beat it is enough for the start – I think (I’m not a professional). I’ve been through depression once and I belive I can do it again, so can you.
Good luck and I’m proud you are taking the initiative to seek the help you need. You’re in my prayers.
I am so greatful for this blog. I too have a boyfriend who is suffering from depression. Im not sure if he knows the signs, but I do, being one who battled with depression years ago. I can truly say that i am no longer depressed. During those years that I struggled with depression, I was not in a relationship. So this is very hard for me. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs and he has went into a depressive episode 5 tines. The first time was 4 months. The other times, it lasted two weeks. He currently in one now and I haven’t spoken to him for over a month now. It is very painful because i truly do love him, but with depression, one can’t feel. I remember the feeling. I called depression the pit of darkness. Its very difficult to see him stuggle with what’s real and what’s made up. He is so unsure of himself. He has endured horrific events. He is always angry. He feels worthless and ashamed. He is so wrapped up in himself, that he has completely abandoned me. I got so tired of going through this that I ended the relationship. He did not respond. I than felt bad and told him I was sorry and I didn’t want to end it. Of course no response. I have cried, I have lost sleep. I find myself not wanting to be around ppl, but I make myself go. I overcame depression by doing the opposite of what it was telling me to do. I pray that he will find the courage to do the same. Im
Hi
I wondered if anyone could offer an explanation for the following or an idea of what could be happening, I’m totally confused.
Depressed husband left 13 months ago with what was mild depression, it appears to have got much worse he now has anxiety. He has made all sorts of odd comments, the latest we discovered he is now in a relationship with another woman, this woman looks similar to myself except she is an alcoholic and regularly hospitalised for alcohol abuse, we have also discovered he is now self medicating with alcohol and added to this he has acquired 2 dogs that look like our family dogs? Although he is saying he’s moved on in his head it would appear he is trying to recreate the past?
Does anyone have any idea on this?
Thanks
Dear Jakie,
There has to be complicated past for his behaviour. Sometimes, depression is not a sign of a weak person, but it’s sign of someone trying to be strong for too long and then breaking apart.
I am not a professional to give you a professional advise but I couldn’t stop myself from writing you a comment. I came to this website to seek to advise and comfort for some of my problems, but I found so much willingness to help others and it made me so happy. When our mind is weak and lost, we can fail to see the consequences of our actions and sometimes we can find a comfort in the most strangest places. It is possible that your husband finds a comfort around this other woman living the life he lives. I am sorry to hear what happened to you both. I sincerely hope you what ever the lives you both choose to live, that both of you will live a happy life. because ultimately, that’s what matters the most.
I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 years when the relationship first started he never available always busy we never really meet up until he was available and that lead to sex. I have suggested many times that we need to go out do different things together before we separated to oyr respect places of living keep in mind we live in different countries. My bf would travel at my expense I would take care of food gas etc and I was sympathetic towards his situation of having money troubles at the time. Our conversation was not the best I would reach out to.him he would take days to call me back ir even answer the text. Now that we are a bit closer as in we beleive we love each other.I have been there through thick and thin and I never asked for a penny of the money spent on him or given to him back.I personally dont have anything that he has bought fir me or given me.I feel broken alone used not important unappreciated I am always the last to know what is going on his life. He forgets my birthday ans sees nothing wrong with that he has trouble with dates is his excuse. In his world it is aways my fault I am not supportive I.should have reminded him I should learn to accept it after all these years. My heart wants to be free I dont have the strength to release me self I feel depressed so often about what is going is there someone else why cant I recieve the love I expell why do I have to beg love or the actions there of he is never there when I need him I cry just about every I do not share with friends or family that I am in a relationship due to feelings of shame.he often.says due to financial issues he cant travel any at all but he finds money do what he wants to do. There has to be a solution to yhe problem I.have shared with him my feelings bu.t it all boils down to me it is at the end of the day my fault. Can someone let me know what to do or say.
Dear Ronnie,I feel your desperation and was compelled to respond.It sounds as though you have given far more in this relationship than you have received in return.You deserve to be loved and appreciated and you are allowing this person to undermine your self-respect.You ask for the solution to the problem and i would advise you to end the relationship for your own sake.It is possible he will feel remorseful and mend his ways but if not at least you will be giving yourself the chance to find someone who will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve and surely you could not be more unhappy without him than you sound right now.I wish you all the best in your life and hope that you find the love that you long for.
my boyfriend has had depression for months now and he has the same things going through his head and I love him and I care so much about him but its tearing me and mom apart but I’ve never and never will be the type of person to leave someone when they need it most. I know I can be his friend but I care and love him too much to break up with him or leave him. I want him to get professional help but he wouldnt listen even if I tried. any advice?
life has been hard every day of my life. i have no friends, not anyone. ive been in deep thought about ending my life- suicide because my life is so bad. 🙁 should i end it? is there a better hope for me? what should i do in this painstaking life?
are you ok..i just stumbled on this?
Luke, how are you doing? Please take one day at a time. One hour, one moment at a time. We all are valuable human beings a d i am sure with the right professional support you will find a way and will feel better.
Luke, I saw you post and had to stop to write this message. My friend, I came on to this site for the same reasons as most of others did – that’s to find some comfort because right now I am in a very low place in my life. I do not have to answers for all the problems I have in my life. However, when reading what the other people had written on this site, it makes me realise one important thing – that we are all human and how delicate our lives can be. I was born in one county and now living in another country. I don’t have friend or family close to me. For the past decade I’ve been running behind trying build a carrier to survive in this busy world. More and more I’ve realised how materialistic our lives are and how people reply on the materialistic stuff to be happy and when one of the materials are lost, how unhappy we become. My friend – do not be sad because you don’t have friends. You do not have to end your life to release you from pain. Human life is the most precious thing in the world. We all can find true everlasting inner happiness if we can detach our lives from attachments. Be kind and helpful for all other living things and don’t expect any good or bad in return. Try and find time and learn to meditate. I know so many people who had build a wonderful state of mind by doing meditation. I’ve never meditated before but I am seriously considering to start learning it. My friend – I hope this message finds you well and you will be safe. I hope and I like to know I’ve helped someone today. I want you to live a long life and perhaps one day help others who need your help.
I have been with my boyfriend for the past year, he has been amazing to me, he treats me right, does everything he can to make me happy but there is one problem, before me and him got together he got another girl pregnent on a one night stand, the girl has had the baby and is the only problem with our relationship, i do not know how to deal with hin having a child with someone else and the constant thought of being replaced or rejected has made me depressed, im always angry with him even though he does everything he can to make me happy, this situation is the biggest burdin on our relationship, we dont argue about anything else but it is the only thing that i can think about and it consumes our relationship, i dont know weather the relationship is now worth being in but i dont want to give it up just because of a mistake he made before he met me, there is grate potential with our relationship but the depression has consumed all aspects of my life, all my thought prosess revolves around this, is there any advice you can give?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. He knows I have mdd and anxiety. I was hospitalized a couple months ago due to serious and personal problems and am getting better. I took the summer to just relax and recoup and get ready for the next school semester because I haven’t done well in the past due to lack of desire to due anything with thoughts of unavoidable failure. The school semester has started and he has helped me to buckle down and study though I get annoyed easily when wrong and irritable. When I get stressed I like to go to thrift stores and such and buy things (mind you its like goodwill stuff so i’m not going into way bad debt). I get lost in activities such as shopping and instead of sticking to a 15 minute Smiths visit I end up taking hours. It stresses my boyfriend out a lot, he and I both worry about our relationship but we always narrow it down to if we still love each other. Which we do. I worry about things a lot. Like I literally can’t stop thinking about maybe 3 or 4 things at once. Now to my main concern, I’ve recently begun thinking about and talking with an ex. Nothing flirtatious, he’s a good friend and we didn’t work out because I don’t see a future with him, but I still am like physically attracted to him and it really bothers me. That worry then expands and I think of more attractive male friends that I know and then I worry about the people around me and what they’re thinking and if they are experiencing the same stress, and then I think of what the people around me might be going through. My main concern is I love my boyfriend and get scared of my constant thoughts of my exes, because of the temporary curiosity thats there. I’ve considered asking my bf if he would like to take a legitimate break. Not because I don’t love hime, but just to try organize my stresses and calm down. Because our relationship is usually the base of my worries.
This is normal in depression. Your feelings are raw and you are experiencing fight or flight. The brain in a depression is actually preparing a fightinga struggle far more than people realise and it is very complicated. Your sleep, cognitive responses are in meltdown and of course your emotional feelings are completely numb. It is a bit like being drunk ur not ur ususal self as u view life very very differnety and your perception is out usually gray. You remember by memories of previous but the brain cannot in this state work through present feelings. As terrible as it sounds that u are stripped emotionally down so you do feel that u could love another person it is basic human nature. Love is want keeps people faithful but when love is taken away by the brain u will question this. The brain naturally always comes out eventunally average 18mths. Dont make any big life decisions and wait it out. When u are out of it all your feelings will turb back on ten fold and u will feel a deep love for your boyfriend now. The best advise i can give is that u wouldnt break up with ur boyfriend when ur drunk so dont do it when ur depressed. Wait it out u have no choice. When a depression kicks it robs a person of months lives in distorted views. Understand depression and get therapy and treatment for it the stronger u are the less powerful depression is. It will fade .
Been there: Hopefully it does go and my girlfriend comes back to me its been 12 months now although i have seen her three times since then, the last contact was an email 5 weeks ago which i ignored as she was pushing me away again, how do you know it takes 18 months for the brain to recover?.
Ken, I’m going through a simoluar stiuatio.. except we are both in the grips of depression. my girl has been gone over a year but we had weekend contact up till about five months ago. i drove myself into a deeper depression trying to numb the pain. drug and alcohol use has increased to the point to I’ve wantrd to die. didn’t help yhe fact that i was hurt on the jo. and can lay arund shig faced with no consequenc, except , tempory relief, fof a problem that is still ghere. i resently started part time work, and just getting out so much of my self worth has returned.
I don’t agree with tbis 18 month ordeal! Sorry to whoever wrote it. Only because i made one of the biggest drcisions I’ve ever made, and didn’t have 18 months to do it. i gave my life go God. Now that’s bi not sure its works like this for everyone but for me it has done wonders. my advice is get yourself a web page , u tube, google + aad start a descussion group page similuar to this and find your ex online and let her see your changes. pray as mjch as possible, write down all your defects and ask family to add more. sometimes we can’t see what’s broke. send her emails and tell her how much she means and keep yourself busy. this has and is working wonders for me and I’m fully confident we will RESTORE our relationship. def. RESTORE- To make better than! To fix back to original state.
Despite my husband being bullied at work and telling me it is nothing I have done he has recently attempted to Divorce me in a state of clinical depression and anxiety. Luckily I am tough as a result of going through my own MH issues anxiety and agoraphobia.
He has developed a lot of control issues and with trying to Divorce me I feel I am now the target yet I have done nothing wrong, we had been together 34years and he seemed to change over almost overnight from kind, caring and laid back to now showing no emotion at all. Some people have said none contact is a cop out and he just doesn’t want me until I tell them that he hasn’t contacted our kids in 9 months they quickly say ooh he must be in a very bad way! Yes he is and he’s not admitting he has issues or getting help, all offers of help have been refused even the help of medical professionals!
As sad as it is I have to look after myself and our kids and move elsewhere, my Mum thinks he will panic when he realises we have left the family home and his sister has said if he really wanted a Divorce he would have pushed ahead with it. Fortunately I have proved to both the husband and his solicitor I am no pushover and he has dropped the Divorce after my suggestion we challenge his Mental Capacity!
“Depression is kind of like a jealous lover, trying to isolate you from anyone who might drag you out of it or show you anything better. Depression wants all of you.”
Iagree with that jim its taken the love of my life away, and i fear i have lost her for good.
My fiance and I have been together for over 10 years. He has suppressed a lot of pain from his childhood of physical and mental abuse , his divorce, having his ex take his kids away to another state and having a relationship with an unstable woman and getting her pregnant. Through the ten years I have encouraged him to communicate better and not suppress what he was feeling. I could sense that one day things would come to a head. Well, I was sadly right. He became very paranoid and one day blew up on me that I was cheating on him. I have never cheated on him. He in fact cheated on me and I forgave him and took him back. Throughout our relationship he would have sudden moments of rage. We separated as he was angry about my so-called cheating. No matter what I said, I couldn’t convince him that he had created these stories in his head and that I had not cheated. He was angry for a long time and I didn’t hear from him or see him for a very long time. We worked our way back to one another and he said how happy he was to be back with me and he never wanted to be apart again. Days later he fell apart and cried and cried and told me how broken he was and how can I love him. He left once again and I didn’t see him or hear from him. A month later he sent a text to me telling me he is sorry, he wanted to make things right with me and how he can’t live without me. We got back together and we talked about communicating better and wanting a better relationship. I told him that I am always open to communicating and he admitted that he wasn’t. The third weekend he was distant and no matter what I did I got no response. He left that night and I didn’t hear from him. Four days later he sent a text saying he was testing me and apparently I failed. He said I must not care about him and that I must be up to something because I never tried to contact him. I just thought he was going through what he had in the past and wanted to be alone and he would contact me when he was ready. He told me that since I didn’t contact him that he would arrange to come and get his stuff and that he would miss me forever. And then he said, goodbye. I sent a text back obviously upset and felt blindsided. I had always been there for him, constantly reaching out to him and letting him know that I loved him and I would never abandon him. He then started in on me again that I was not honest with him and that I was up to something, cheating again. Is this the normal behavior of depression? Or some other mental illness. He has isolated himself at times, but can still go to work and do his job. But these accusations and paranoia are they part of depression? I feel like I am the one going insane as I have been nothing but loving, supportive and patient with him. I’ve never turned my back on him. I’ve asked him if he needs to seek professional help and he told me, “no, they can’t help me.” It is like it is a weakness to seek help. I am completely heartbroken. He hasn’t come to get his things yet as he is out of town. I feel like I am falling apart and don’t know what to do.
Hey, Agnetha, it’s really sad and touching what you’ve wrote. I have been in relationships affected by depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but then later on, I found partners who suffered from depression). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, but I’m not even sure you read this forum any more. You can write to my email address: albert.peeter@gmail.com , hope you’re holding up!
Peter
my fiancee is moving out right now due to my depression…
I was diagnosed with clinical depression 3 years ago, over that time I have been on and off of pills and as you all know the depression ebbs and flows without warning, but over the last 6 months I can feel my relationship with my wife slipping away, I am now starting to feel that she would be better off without me, she has been wonderful and supportive all the way through this but I can feel here patients wearing down slowly but surely, I don’t our love for each other is in question here but my self esteem seems to be hitting an all time low
Richard – How are you doing? I am new to this forum and seen your post. Are things going in a good direction for you?
Hi. I’m 25 years old and I’m now in my second long-term relationship. I’m pretty sure I threw my last one away because of depression. We fought all the time and I feel like it was me being selfish constant that finally did us in. He would work long hours to keep away from me and I finally left him for someone else. Someone who felt like I was being used and manipulated, while I do feel like I was being financially used I also feel like things between us were often my fault . I was just simply too sensitive.
With this second relationship it started out amazing I was having the time of my life. He walked in and made me feel like I was floating in the stars. We started dating about 1 year ago and for the last 2 months I’ve been apparently a real nightmare. He often says I’m cold, distant, and that I start arguments on purpose and when they are “resolved’ that I refuse to apologize until the next day. What’s really puzzling is I’ve read this and I feel like it fits me and at times I feel like a victim as well. I’ve thought about getting help but I wonder if I’m Bi-Polar and I wonder if I’ll ever get better. I’ve tried to make him leave several times but he always refuses and I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with him and if he will ever let me go.
I feel like I want to constantly run from my relationship and kids.. This has come from nowhere, I have no feelings for nothing which is worrying. I question love, what is love, am I in love etc..
Does this ever go or is my relationship over
I’ve had this feeling before in relationships. Suddenly I’ll be looking at her and then I think “shit, i don’t love her”. Then I wonder what is love, and why am I in this? Do I feel the same depth of emotion to her as she does to me? Am I lying to her?
Over-thinking is the bane of love. I don’t even know why it happens. Spontaneously I can go from some chilled out guy who has a sexy girlfriend… so somebody who is shitting himself over what he’s doing.
You’re single-handedly entering this woman’s heart, and you are there now, she loves you. But you aren’t sure you feel the same way. You are an essential part of her life, and without you, it would supposedly crumble. You’d feel guilty, ashamed, depressed etc at these thoughts and then you need to run away. To delete it from your life….
Personally I am still unsure what this all means. It either means one of three things in my opinion. Either you have fallen out of love or you were never in love and managed to fool yourself long enough. Or you have just got a mental illness which causes this to happen i.e you have an incorrect attitude to what love is. I personally think it’s number 3. Get help. Because the moment you lose your wife, your relationship and the connection you have to your kids… you’ll realise what you’ve lost. And you’ll remember that you didn’t want that back then, but you’ll want it now.
Your brain is […] trying to hurt your life, and it will hurt you when you’ve left the relationship, it will tell you that you’re stupid for letting it go even though it told you to let you go. It will just tell you you’re stupid anyway, heck you might not love her (i didnt sadly) but you’ll […] destroy yourself over it anyway.
So yea, get help mate. I am getting help nowadays, been to a few sessions, and it helps. I lost my relationship, but looking back I think that maybe that was a good idea. Because I need to love myself first, and make sure I don’t repeatedly stab myself in the back, before I can even begin to love somebody else. Sounds like you don’t need to lose yours, so get help AND keep your relationship going. It’s ok to get help mate. You’re not a loser, or a stupid […] up heartbreaker, or whatever […] your brain tells you. You’re just in need of mental help. 🙂 Go go go. I did it and I’m much happier.
I’ve done this in two relationships actually. In the second relationship I did love them, but I still completely ruined the relationship through my mental illness / depression. That’s when I knew I needed help. Definitely made me realise how much I needed to get myself sorted. I think it’s probably your upbringing. I don’t know what yours was like, but parts of my childhood were living hell, absolute utter living hell.
My childhood was rough with parents breaking up due to my father been a drunk.
I am terrified of relationship but I think I need to get my relationship sorted with myself to help me out.
I know I’m ruining a good thing but I’m stuck in a mind state as I “don’t care” but I will when it is all gone
I’ve actually started to see someone been to 5 sessions. I think I have depression and I’m constantly riddled with negative crap. Need to turn this around sharpish as you are right I will regret it.
my situation started back when my wife became pregnant at age 39 with our third child. she was unplanned and although all women change along with the hormones during pregnancy this last one really sent my wife off the deep end. she so much as acknowledged and apologized in cards for it. after the baby was born my wife started to slowly change. started lashing out at me. overreacting to things. then last fall she went off the tracks. deep depression and anxiety. couldn’t sleep, acne, facial hair growth, forgetfulness and menstrual cycle all over the place. I tried to get her to seek an endocrinologist or obgyn thinking it was a hormonal issue but she refuses. blames her depression on the marriage itself now. ignores our three children to the point that they have gone to her and asked her to leave our home. to move out. she says off the wall things and drags up every mistake ive made in our 16 yrs of marriage , down to the color f paint I picked out 10 yrs ago. claims she wasn’t cut out to be a mother and that she wishes her mother would have told her that she didn’t have to get married and have kids to be happy. a complete personality change has occurred. ive tried to stay strong for her to the point that ive had many people say just kick her out. when im at work she just sits in a recliner and reads. doesn’t interact with our kids and doesn’t clean up after them. I took her to see a psychologist about four mths ago and at the end of the session and after she stormed out he simply looked and me and said, “pray”. im both crushed and furious at her for refusing to seek help. maybe I shouldn’t be since I know the hold depression can hold on someone but she knows she’s messed up. she admits it at times. i’m lost on what to do. keeps saying that she wants a divorce but when I tell her to go for it she never does. idk what the hell to do.
It’s so F’d up. It’s ruining my hope in a relationship of any kind because all I get is anxiety and feel depressed. Funny thing is, this only started a few days ago I don’t know why or how it happened. I get anxiety whenever my girlfriend calls me/texts me and I feel little to no connection towards her. I question the relationship all the time and can’t stop my intrusive thoughts from disparaging her or insulting her in my head. But I know if I lose her I’ll be crushed. Everytime I get to THAT thought, my confused thoughts are in agreement, but it’s like somebody else just walked into my head, sat down, and unloaded a full tirade assault on my senses. If I could, I’d do anything/everything to get rid of it. I hate it!
Yeah I love my girlfriend but feel nothing, people are telling me to leave and sort it out and I keep thinking should I? But I know it’s depression and anxiety and not true because we have good times… I adore her just so scared about this never going away. I almost killed myself the other day because of how I feel about her.. But I will keep trying because I know what I want… I have been this way for 6/7 months.. It just keeps getting worse and I’m worried maybe I don’t want or love her :/
Hi
Did you come through this yet?
How do you get rid of this awful feeling?
I cried while reading this. It all describes me & what I am going through right now with my boyfriend.
He denies the fact that I’m depressed and doesn’t understand it, though I’ve tried to explain. I hope one day I can get better.
Me too… omg… I thought its like as if I am the one who wrote this. All 11 of them were so spot on that I am convinced I am depressed. I use to think depression is nonsense
I sometimes feel sad for no reason n loose intrest
John, your post is both heartbreaking and enlightening. Since both my and I have depression of different types, I guess I am the depressed and apparently the “…depressed one imposing pain on your partner.” I guess the difference for me is that I have and will continue to use whatever resources I have to minimize my refractory depression while my husband continues to deny, not take his med (and lie about it) and self-medicate. When he’s not self-medicated, he goes from becoming cranky to toxic. He believes his life [expletive] and there’s nothing he or anyone can do about it. It seems we are poison to each other. And while I’m trying, yet another new treatment (and yes, this is definitely exhausting for him), he continues to blame the world. I’ve tried to get him back to therapy. I’ve tried to find a DBT group (at least we could have a common language because it really did help me). I realize I cannot lead him to water as he won’t drink it. I’m currently unemployed for the first time since I was 17 years old and that has darkened my days. When he comes home from work (which to his credit he continues to to do) he becomes passive-aggressive (sighing, body language). When I ask him how his day was (how dare I!!!), he always has a negative answer. We’ve been together for 25 years and I don’t want to give up on him. We still love the same movies, shows, share the same sense of humor (when it’s there). I just don’t know how to save myself other than leave him.
Thank you, this is a very helpful article. 2 weeks ago I was blindsided when my husband came to me and said that he had been encouraging the affections of another woman because he felt so worthless that feeling of being wanted was a brief escape. We have since learned that the birth of our son (now 5 months, my delivery was quite traumatic) started him on this depressive spiral in which he believed he would let us both down and we would be better off without him. He was so low that when a female coworker started telling him how much she wanted him he grabbed onto that feeling (I’ve met her many times and she knew we just had a baby so I really hope karma catches up to her). their conversations were incredibly inappropriate, all through text, after a week of this my husband says that he realized he had a problem and then felt even worse because not only did he feel worthless but now he had ruined his marriage as well. So he confessed and is now getting help through medication and counseling. But now I’m left devastated that I had no idea this was happening behind my back and I feel like I don’t even know my own husband. We have been together for 8 years and the fact that he could throw our marriage away so easily breaks my heart but I am trying to remember that he wasn’t thinking rationally. So posts like this help, but every day is a struggle right now. He is getting better because he has help now, but now I am left with all this hurt and anger. I feel like I was robbed of what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, having a baby with my husband.
great response….it really resonated with me. I am in a very similar situation as you. Would love to connect as we could help support each other through this. Let me know.
Hi Julie,
I think it would be great to connect and support each other. It would be nice to talk to someone going through something similar.
awesome! I left an email on their website to requesting to help connect us privately as I don’t want to put my phone number or email for everyone to see. Any other ideas? let me know.
i too am going through this julie would love to connect.
As I was reading this my eyes started watering. I can’t figure out if it is me, my fiancé or both. All I know is the amount of emotional turmoil that I am experiencing is unbearable. Are there any women who would be interested in talking about this? I don’t know what to do anymore.
This is an exact inventory of the last 9 months of my life. After years of the swinging single life, my own insecurities came to light when I started dating again, and another person was around me long enough to make me see my own self-abuse. I didn’t like what I saw, and then had someone to take everything out on, to drive away, which only made the depression worse. I’ve known that something was wrong with me, as my new relationship began as a number of other stressors were mounting in my life. I was new at navigating depression and having a relationship, and both quickly spiraled out of control. I can only hope I can regain some lost time and learn to share myself, open up and be able to give and accept love. Your posts are a great help in all of those goals.
Wow just reading this made me cry as you are describing what’s happened to my partner and our relationship over the last couple of years. There has been no doubt in my mind that he is suffering from depression but he has been to the doctor and they have a set of questions they ask which mainly relate to the emotional side and he exhibits more of the aggressive behaviours you describe. So he and the doctor believes he is not suffering from depression. He says counselling is a waste of time so I’m well and truly in a trap. It’s like waiting for him to snap but it’s been like that for at least 2 years. My only other option is to leave but I would hate to leave someone who is actually ill, even if he doesn’t know it himself.
I’m in a tricky, heart wrenching, confusing situation with my partner. We have been together for 11 years, he has been suffering with depression for 8 years now, on and off. We have two children aged 7 & 9.
He’s seen many doctors, psychiatrists, councillors over the years, he’s had a short stay in a mental health hospital, but this just isn’t going away!
I love him completely, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep riding these waves! Then if I think of leaving, I know he would hit an all time low & commit suicide. I just know he would. I’m trapped. He can’t be happy with me or without me, but at least if I stick around I can look after him. This is destroying me. I worry that if I go, I’ll regret ever leaving as I do love him, but I’m not happy. My children are living with this too, but surely it’s better that they have a dad that is alive, sometimes he is fine, rather than a dad who committed suicide.
What do I do? He is very arrogant and doesn’t listen to advice readily, he’s always quitting his jobs, he never socialises with me, he doesn’t get on with my family etc etc.
I just don’t know the answer to this problem 🙁
Thank you.
Thank you for writing this, and thank you to those who have commented and shared their experiences. It is very helpful to see that there are others dealing with this or who have dealt with this, because as a partner of a depressed person, you can really start to feel alone. This is somewhat new to me and it’s overwhelming. My partner exhibits some of these behaviors, including withdrawal and isolation, and it’s really difficult to deal with. I feel mixed emotions of rejection, frustration and sadness for his well being. Anyway, thanks again for sharing.
Thank you for writing this. I feel a lot less alone after reading it.
I have been going steady with my girl for the last 10 years. Last year we got engaged and things were really looking bright. She was happy, I was happy, both our families were happy. We had a little argument like the many arguments we have had before but then one day she texted me that she does not want to get married to me. I thought she was just angry at me, I apologized and everything but it seemed the more I tried, the more she started to hate me. She started blaming me for everything, when her parents tried talking to her, she blamed that on me, everybody that tried helping her she would blame me. She told me that I took her for granted and that I could never do the little things for her and that I will never keep her happy eventhough she means the whole world to me. We have always had a distance relationship and I thought that once we get married and when I am physically there by her side, she will see how much I care for her. She said there is someone else but I dont believe her. She says she wants to marry to marry someone who will do anything for her and stand by her no matter what. I promised her to give me a chance so I can prove myself that I will do anything for her happiness. She means everything to me and a few months ago I meant the whole world to her. I want to let go, let her be but I can’t imagine life without her and I know that I am the only person in the world that will keep her happy because I have known her for the last 10 years. A few months ago she said she could’nt wait to get married and now she hates my guts for no apparent reason. She is exhibiting many of the symptoms stated in this article and I want to share this article with her as a last chance that maybe she will realize she need professional help. I am so confused I dont know what to do. Everybody told me to just let her go, that I will find someone better but I cannot imagine life with any other woman at this point and I know she wont be happy with any other person. How can anybody love her as much as I do? I am totally devastated and running out of ideas.
Wow! This has opened my eyes! I’m exactly like your fiancée and you sound exactly like my boyfriend. I really don’t have much advice for you but don’t believe her when she says there is someone else, I know I say things like that to my bf to get him to leave me because I feel worthless and I can’t see myself ever making him happy. I would definitely get her to read this website it might make her angry at first but she’ll then understand she’s not the only one feeling how she does and it’s fixable and make sure she knows you’ll never leave her.
My God! I am going through the exact same thing, Worried Guy. I live in Toronto, my girlfriend (or ex, at this point) lives in Manhattan. We met in Amsterdam, and fell head over heels in love with each other. She had just rented out her apartment, and was about to move to Toronto to be with me when things started to go wrong. I was so worried that she had harmed herself, I called the police after not being able to reach her for a couple of days. She has now moved to Connecticut with a friend, because her apartment is now rented out. She claims she is in a relationship with this friend, which I don’t know if I believe. I too cannot imagine life with anyone else, and know I am best for her. I love her more than life itself. We are still communicating, and I am trying to regain her trust, because she is afraid to trust me after calling the police. I have nothing but the best intentions, and am still convinced that this can work, if we both want it to. I know I do, and there was a time she wanted to as well. Only time will tell. I’m not giving up!
Hi we have been happily married or so i thought for 24 years nearly. Things changed 5 years ago when my daughter fell pregnant to a abuser boyfriend. I won’t go into all the details but for the last 5 years our life has been utter hell. We ended up getting a special guardianship for my granddaughter. Over the last year my daughter left him and returned home to help with the up bringing of her daughter but unfortunately has been hiding the fact that she returned to this monster. I forgot he is not allowed any access to my granddaughter and that was a law given through the courts.
Well back to the devastating news. My husband has gone and left me with our granddaughter and said he loves me but doesn’t have the feeling of been in love with me anymore. We have been like best friends he is my soul mate and my husband. He said he want’s to be a lone and get on with his life and try and be happy. He has turned nasty towards me and blames me for the last 5 years of grief and i must admit i have consumed myself in my daughters behaviour but always loved my husband. I do blame myself for a lot of it and i think i did take my husband for granted.
I know 100% there is no other woman. My husband is acting so out of character but i have chased him the last 2 weeks and made a fool of myself.
He is coming over for lunch tomorrow and i have decided that i have to accept the fact that at this moment he doesn’t want me but he is also showing not a lot of interest in anything it’s not just me.
I personally think he is badly depressed and has been for some time but i have been that wrapped up with the trouble with my daughter i haven’t noticed.
He said he may come back and live at home till after xmas for the sake of our granddaughter and until i get my head round things. I have lost my husband,Daughter and have a 3 year old to bring up by myself and finding it so hard.
he said he doesn’t want help but knows there could be something wrong and just keeps saying he wants no help 🙁 i love him so much i don’t know what to do. Everyone i have told is shocked to the core they all said it’s just not like him and it’s always been you two together.
Would someone give me advice of course i have listened to family and friends but would like to talk to someone who has been through a similar thing.
Well I can only imagine adding a three year old and the stress of this situation would put strain on your marriage. If he is depressed too then you have a whammy. I don’t have advice other than to give him some space and occasionally let him know you are still “there”. I feel for your load and admire your character.
Perhaps this too shall pass. Be consistent and focus on you and that sweet innocent baby for now. He has to come back on his own will and time. Leave the door open but don’t chase him around the neighborhood to beckon him in.
My depression has not failed to disrupt all my relationships and bring them to a screeching halt within a year. These symptons can remain doormat for months at a time and don’t occur in order. Depression is unpredictable. In my experience with blame and paranoia, it’s only a few seconds before an episode that I tell myself “Shut up unless you want to lose this person.” Every time I attempt to listen to that voice, I get lightheaded from all the negatives thoughts swimming in my head. Its the absolute worst feeling ever, when you suddenly think you’ve misplaced all your priorities. I get antsy, impatient, low, angry, and finally indifferent. That is a huge improvement because I consider those traits a happy medium for depressed individuals. Which all in all, is the most I can hope for. These are the steps that I take before taking a jab at a loved one. Calm yourself down by breathing to slow your heart rate (with practice you can), drown out paranoid thoughts, re cap on what triggered your pain, identify what you want to say to trigger your partner (bc that’s what we do when we get hurt, hurt back), and my favorite part- DON’T SAY IT. It takes 5 minutes of agony but then you realize you didn’t lose any control, thus taking a bad situation and making it a good one. When you feel normal again re-assess what triggered your pain and 9 x out of 10 you will see it from a different perspective completely, so what? You remained calm, got through the storm and gain confidence in regulating your emotions. I’ve learned how to be happy. Every time I am successful, the depression is less depressing. Its real work everyday to remain balanced and peaceful. Just like any other job, it only gives back what you put into it. If you have depression, you are most likely to give up on yourself. You cannot give up on yourself. Corner your depression and it won’t consume you. Educate yourself and practice everyday.
I’ve been feeling restless and stressed out a few months after I started dating my bf. He is a sweet guy, but sometimes does stuff that drives me crazy. I’ve talked to him about it a few times, but he said he can’t change. For example, he likes to get drunk with his friends or by himself, up to the point that he gets so wasted that he doesn’t remember what he said or did the other night. He’s got a medical condition and needs pain killers every day, you add that to his drinking habits (maybe once a week) and he’s totally drunk and passed out. He’s also very careless with his pets and doesn’t clean after them, or just waits until the stench in the apartment is so strong, that’s when he decides to clean. He’s asked me a few times to move in with him, but I didn’t want to: I’m on the other extreme: I don’t drink too much, and I’m a big fan of cleaning my place almost twice or once a week. When he pets his animals and then starts touching me, I always ask him to stop and wash his hands before. He refuses and keeps touching me, then calls me “Mr. OCD.” It used to be fun being around him but now I just try to avoid him, I cannot even sleep next to him anymore. The sex is great but I don’t think it’s all about a relationship. I want to break up and trying to get the guts to do it. Any feedback is welcome!
It is extremely hard to comprehend how it feels when ur depressed when u havent expeienced it urself. A black hole? losing all emotions and not liking anyone is impossible to imagine! The best way of describing how it feels is like this… Imagine a time in ur life where u dreaded doing something. Maybe it was a a child goin to school, to a trip or seeing family or having exams or facing someone after an arguement. Now remember that feeling of utter dread waking up in the morning knowing u HAVE to deal with this thing u can’t bear and ur sick to the stomach, family friends can’t make u feel better offering a cup of tea cause its sooooo bad how u feel, life stops and passes and all u think of is that dread. A normal person feels like that and after an hour in bed gets up dwels a bit better and triea to deal with it and then does the thing and feels so much better and relief afterwards. Now imagine feeling like that not for an hour in the morning but CONSTANT all day non stop. Over and over that dread, fear being unable and too weak to face something out of your control. Having shower u still feel the strong dread eating dinner, nothing changes it. U dont realise u have lost u feelings for anything else ur just fighting this dread. Then slowly oer months untreated the dread gets slightly smaller u learn to handle that dread until a year later the dread is still there but very small, but it will always scare u to a certain degree. I know it is very hard for partners but they need to research depression and understand the illness and how terrible it makes their partner feel. The partners fighting the worse battle for life not love. Partners experience a lose of love which is bad bad heartbreaking but the battle to fight for life is much harder. Please stay strong and read as much books to learn how to support and understand the illness. Knowledge will make u stronger.
Ive been dating a man that I suspect is bipolar. Everything was perfect in the beginning and then stressors in his life started to take over and things got worse. He has told me in the past that he is depressed and i can tell he has amxiety because I suffer from that as well.
We had a little argument and he stopped talking to me for two weeks. I finally got him to respond and he told me he needed time. That with everything in his life, me, his ex, his daughters, his father being ill, and issues at work that he felt like he was in a pressure cooker. So, I backed off. He has not tried to contact me. I’m the one doing all the contacting. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells whenever I do contact him. His responses are so cold and he is not the loving man I fell in live with.
I’m wondering if I should discuss this article with him? He exhibits many of the “relationship trapd”. I don’t believe he is under any care and is struggling. Ive told him I am there for him, I give him encouragement, I try not to smother him, I’ve told him I’d wait for him but I don’t get anything back. I’m scared I am going to lose him and I want so much to support him. Am I wasting my time with him and could possibly cause him to be depressed even further or could this be helpful?
I really need help from anyone who can give it to me. I am at my wits end,and I am tired of crying all the time,and feeling completely,and utterly…helpless.
My boyfriend is 32 years old. After the divorce from his ex wife,losing work….having his truck taken from the divorce, not being able to see his son because said truck was taken,and without a job…then having his license taken away because of child support,on top of health issues…he has fallen into such a deep depression. It’s been two years now..a little over two years actually…and yesterday was the first day that he didn’t even say a word to me about our one two year anniversary.
He has changed so much since I first met him. He was bubbly,cheerful,positive,talkative….very loving..everything I wanted in a guy. And it’s killing me inside…has been for over a year now. I know I love him… but as far as being in love with him, I don’t know right now. I am so confused. He won’t talk to me about his problems. Most days..he seems very withdrawn…quiet….he has no energy or the will to want to try to make himself better. And I am honestly at my wits end with this. I don’t know how much more I can handle..and I feel so bad for feeling this way. I really need someone else to talk to. Someone who is going through this… I need help…desperately.
At one point, I could see myself with this man…getting married,having children. I just feel like everything is falling apart right in front of me,and there isn’t a thing I can do about it…..
Hey Amanda, sorry to hear about your problem, i am here now because i have a similar problem…however, the depression hasn’t been going on that long and i am the one who is depressed.
A big change is happening in my life now also. Although not as significant as your partners on paper, the anxious feelings of helplessness are still there. All of the points listed above, i can say i am guilty of and it is affecting our relationship of 9 years.
The reason why none of it is going away is because of the lack of understanding from my partner, the lack of compassion, the constant looking down on me and the bickering (even when it is denied doesn’t mean it aint there). Although someone with depression can be a mess, they shouldn’t be made under no circumstances to be a burden and that is how i am made to feel every time i try to open up to my partner. She chooses not identify what i am going through but instead she constantly fights fire with fire, repeating negative things i have said about myself whilst opening up. This lack of genuine support is really making things worse for me. So if i had to advise you at all, or in an attempt to be helpful, i would suggest to try to feel what he feels, put yourself in his shoes more, show him you feel what he feels but also at the same time try and be pleasant, don’t show any resentment towards him or make him feel like you are trying too hard either (out of desperation as this can just make him feel worse). Meet his mood at his energy level and ride the tide with him Hopefully he will see that he is not alone in this rut and in order to pick you up he will have to pick himself up. If you feel that you are only making him feel worse then stop! Basically show this man that you can and will love him through thick and thin.
Sorry if this sounds like dribble, it is very hard to break it down into words and i aint feeling to great right now either (surprise!)
Anthony – Could some of these things that you are feelings be perception (The reason why none of it is going away is because of the lack of understanding from my partner, the lack of compassion, the constant looking down on me and the bickering)? Please try not to take that to heart, but as someone who has supported a depressed person I can only tell you I did all those things you speak of, showing this man that I love him through thick and thin, trying to ride the tide with him, BUT his perception of what was actually going on between us was so severally skewed that it caused the downfall of the relationship. There was NOTHING i could do to change how he was viewing things. And as many depression suffers, he started to try to get me to take blame for the downfall because I was loving and supportive and I wouldnt’ give up on him. Please tell me why that is a bag thing??? Anyway I wish you the best towards recovery because depression kills relationships and families with no mercy at all.
Totally agree with VG. Compassion fatigue also sets in eventually when you have given everything you can give (I have both been depressed and supported a depressed partner). My GP gave me the advice for my own depression/anxiety of using the ‘good days’ to make small changes to your life. Some people aren’t willing to do that and would rather blame others around them for making their condition worse. Sometimes it is only you that can change the situation, depressed or otherwise. Little by little. Depressed people rarely seem to take into account that life with a depressed person is as bad as being depressed.
Hi Amanda,
I’m going through the same thing with my girlfriend of 3 years. Her depression really set in about a year and a half ago, but I’ve now learned she has battled it her whole life. I didn’t know what was happening for a long time and it has had a huge impact on our relationship. There are lots of people like us that are struggling to keep hope that one day our partners will come back. I know it is really hard at times too. I have found a free course for family members of people with depression that discusses coping strategies, treatment, causes, etc. it’s a 12 week course that starts next week and I’m hopefully it will be a good tool of information for me to get through this. If you google NAMI Family to Family class there is a link to find the next class in your area.
Best wishes with everything,
Eric
Ok I’m gonna help u guys, and tell u what it ACTUALLY feels like for your partner. When the depression starts its like a grey fog and you lose all your normal happy love feeling in yourself, your fine with people you are NOT close to as they don’t really know you but your CLOSEST people kids partner mum all get it. For some reason your more angry irritated let down. The BIG difference with your kids and mum is its unconditional therefore you know u love them but just not that much at the min cause ur stressed and de connected. The problem with your relationship is that you EXPECT to love them continually and when you noticed the dis connection you start to question if you actually love them. That’s the beauty of a love relationship it’s isn’t based on biology you pick that one person over everyone in the world so the deconnection you question. Now when your in a clinical depression there’s nothing you can do or shake it off. There is always a trigger and usually can be started by a partner! That makes it worse cause they blame you but the trigger is over reacted the response when they are normal wouldn’t be that reaction but in depression it’s the tip of an iceberg. They stop loving and can am not able to love as lose ALL self esteem they hide their true fears and distance themselves. They look for a new escape but don’t have the courage to face it unless the partner finishes with them. This I how you handle it ignore all negative responses. Stay normal and play down the stress as a rocky patch tell them to have space they will need full space for atleast 8 mths so be prepared to be left on your own but tell them not to be unfaithful get it on I u still want to but accept they can’t love u or anyone only fancey. Once normality continues the angry hostility subside if not untreated. Very slowly after 8 mth on average you will start to see spots of loving and caring but it takes about 6 mths for the brain to fully be able to love again. That year the brain is confused and goin over a million things to bring the person ok again. They will become a deeper more happy person they not hovthroughvthere troubles on there own and u must let them. If you break up with them that will make them worse stay exactly the same. Write a diary and have those discussions when they recover but they can’t handle it while their recovering. Once recovered they will love you a million times more than they used to and will feel guilt regret and love for a partner that stood firm. Depression is an illness like cancer diabetes. It’s important for the partner to not take it personally if you walk and move on its impossible to get that love back, if you linger and keep door open the love WILL return. It’s not your partners choice.i When a relationship over it I beat not to rush into a new relationship anyway so you have nothing to lose waiting a year. It builds you to be strong you have so much spare time to share with friends and hobbies. Dont lose hope it won’t last forever the brain recovers from a clinicial depression on average 8mths 6 mths recovery, it is only 20% that I longer or a mild depression but mild depression thy should still feel love. A person that does not care is experiencing a clinical depression a lose of life that is sad but the strong can succeed have faith patience and love in your heart x stay strong for both of you. Time. . It steals the ability to love they won’t love another person if you stay in the background, they may fancey and dream but that’s all aloud of fake rubbish that means nothing and when there over it they will realise that. But they will throw everything at you to get a quick exit don’t give it to them. 8 mths is the worse to stick it out then it started getting better
This all sounds good, but the reality of it is that the depressed partner may do some very harmful things to your relationship during their time of space. From a group I belonged to there were very few cases of partners fog lifting and them still feeling love for their partner. Sadly.
I agree and he has told me to leave. I tried for months. He said he doesn’t want me. He wants be alone forever. What’s a girl to do? This one after months of rejection and months before if supporting him has finally walked. I’d love to stay but I can’t make him.
MM – Mine said the same. He told me to move on. He said he will be alone, but then 2 months later he said he is seeing someone. Part of me actually doesn’t believe this is true because I think he was trying to hurt me (again). We were having a very heated conversation when he contacted me out of the blue. If it is true than he has not really received the help he so desperately needs and will end up doing the same thing to this person when the novelty wears off. Yup all the supporting and love didn’t make a difference to him in the end.
Mine told me he wanted to be alone. Was not seeing anyone but I don’t buy it one bit. And he is so out of character from the man I knew, I dont trust a word he says. Not good. Time to let this one GO!
: (
I am so sorry you went through this too; it broke my heart. I love him so and we were wonderful together. This too shall pass. . .
Completely agree with you both, if the partner is completely unbearable or decides to leave their isn’t anything the partner can do their powerless. That’s where every depression is different for every couple. However in some cases they don’t completely leave and if the partner waits it out sometimes it can return. It’s hard to guess how long it will run which is a major factor a few mths everyone can bear but they can last 2 yrs and it can change how u see them and u lose respect in a way. However a partner chooses to deal with is very strong to walk is very strong to accept and move on your life but always have a love for them.
I want this pain to pass more than anything. Its been actually more difficult on me than my divorce. This was my first serious relationship post divorce. Difference was this man was very good for me (well at least the one I fell in love with). This other person well no. Also I really loved this man and would have stayed by his side if he would have allowed me to. I feel like I’ve had little closer. I CANNOT speak with him because everything feels too raw for me still, PLUS i cannot be subjected to more illogical and hurtful things that may come out of his mouth. I have enough to ruminate with!
Also just adding further to concentrate on the specific trigger. Every depressed person has a trigger that sets then off into a over top worry. It’s hard to distinguish at first cause there negative about thing but listern hard deep down they will tell u quite happily in their agitation what their problems are. The trigger can be a person situation or as ridiculous as Hoover, whatever it is that’s the tip of the iceberg. U then have to ask them why the Hoover is bothering u so much? That’s when the next layer comes through they explain that something in their past happened and the hoover (trigger) reminds them of it and its pointless can’t deal with it. That’s when u get to the core they have to watch it like a movie the flashbacks in a safe plae and relearn a different solution to how they felt because it wasn’t dealt with properly previously. Once they realis how they should of see thins different before they will see the trigger can change too. The brain finds a solution to the past hurts and heals in weeks back to normal. It takes a good friend therapist or a true partner to listern and find the iceberg abd identify it, and start to dig. The iceberg is always ridiculous like I don’t know if u love me but that means I’m scared of not having control in love I’ve been hurt before. Every trigger is different a stranger can trigger a depression it depends on what the depression is holding on to. Good luck digging out those triggers, be aware u may have to dig out a few triggers first to get to the actual one that caused if like finding a needle in a haystack cause their so negative about everything lol but just listern u will hear a pattern.
I just went through this. My boyfriend walked out on me and our dog. We’ve been living together for 10 months and the pressures of not being able to find the right job in NYC was the trigger. Apparently he was spiraling downward for several months, but I just thought he was down and out, but not a clinical illness. Anyway, now he’s gone and questioning everything and anything about himself and the pressures of a relationship and feeling like he needs to take care of a lady in his life is too much. The crazy part is that I feel deep down in my heart that I know how much he loved me and I know that love is still in there somewhere. We had a good relationship, he’s even admitted to that. Hopefully this fog won’t last for a long while for him. It’s hard not to give up hope or not to forget the love that was once there. So this is month two for me and I’m still checking in on him every once in a while, letting him know I care. We’ll see where that gets us 8 months from now…
Did he come through this
This is what I have been looking for since depression has taken over my husband’s life. I has said some very hurtful things to me like saying he doesn’t love me anymore, etc. Hearing your perspective has given me a lot of hope that at the end, there is still light for our relationship.
Thank you.
hi i know
would love to connect as im having the same problems.
I really need help. My boyfriend and I both suffer from depression but I am a naturally sensitive person so I don’t really push my anger out on him. We don’t argue a lot at all. We have spent every day together since we met 5 months ago. He does his own thing and I kinda wait around until he’s done (which makes me feel like shit) he likes to play videogames (I think that’s how he escapes) which I understand but for the past 3 or 4 months things have been going downhill fast. He snaps at me randomly about things that wouldn’t make anyone else mad. He takes things I say the wrong way and makes me feel bad. I put my emotions to the side for our relationship to last but its getting so hard. We no longer share entertaining conversations. (Not that I don’t try). But he never seems to care what I have to say. I get depressed and want to leave and he gets upset and takes everything the wrong way. I’m trapped. By my emotions by his by his family, who I have a strong bond with. Please I just don’t know what to do.
Reading this was such an eye opener to me 🙁 it’s like I finally realise its me that’s the problem and I’m reading everything I seem to do to my partner. I’ve emailed him this link as after the weekend we just had we were at breaking point …. I’m hoping this will be the turning point we need to face my
Issues together and save our relationship. Thank you so much for publishing this you’ve helped at least 1 person wake up and ask for help xx
I feel the exact same way you took the words right out of my mouth. For the first time I don’t feel alone or crazy.
hello, hopefully you can still see this post. I’m going through the exact same thing and my partner told me he doesnt want to be unhappy anymore, and he wants me healthy and so on… he doesnt know if he wants to be with me. I’ve been so depressed for 2 years that he doesnt know me anymore. I emailed him this link earlier, did your partner check this website out? if so, how are you guys today if you dont mind me asking
I’m on the other side of a 2+ year bad spell. Keep seeking help until you find something that WORKS. My husband is SLOWLY improving but it has been a long haul. The Family to Family class through NAMI helped me tremendously. I truly believe if I hadn’t found them when I did that we would be divorced.
I live in Pennsylvania, US
I am 50 years old and have been battling deppresion, anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and bi-polar since I was 16.
I married my first and only love, raised two wonderfull children and started and continue to run a sucessfull business.
” Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.”
I didn’t realize that wasting money, not paying bills on time and maintaining a pig sty were trivial things.
When I work as the major breadwinner to support my family of four adults I do expect these things and yes it can trigger irritability and after many weeks, months, years of the same it can trigger depression, do you believe this to be an illness or a resonable response? If you believe the latter I can’t imagine how you get by in your workplace, there is a need for order, if I was to stop being orderly and directing in my business we would surley fall to our competitors and then there would be no money to waste or to pay the bills and a pig sty would seem appropriate?
There are funds in the bank yet my wife lets billing go for weeks or months, I have vendors who write” please” on their invoices when they go past the 60-120 past due date thereby ruining my credit and reputation, as well as putting stress on these venders families, but when I confront her about her side of the business ( bookkeeping !) she says it’s my illness that is the problem and that I’m over reacting so please don’t be so quick to put us sick folk into your […] isolated pigeon holes there are more then one side to these things