Depression sets relationship traps for both partners. Everything can change quickly between two people, and it’s crucial to be able to spot these changes as soon as possible.
Here are 11 signs of the illness that seem perfectly designed to undo the bonds of closeness.
Humor, talking and doing things together, sharing special moments – they’re all gone.
In their place are avoidance, anger, blame and isolation.
Two Sides of Depression
Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side.
It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they’re feeling. The person they’re closest to takes the brunt of their anger. The first several symptoms in this list describe these behaviors.
On the passive side, the abuse is turned inward. It’s the depressed partner who’s the center of every problem. They’re self-absorbed to the point of losing the ability to relate to others in a realistic way.
Instead of denial and blaming everyone else for their pain, they focus on their own worthlessness, even to the point of thinking constantly of suicide as the only way out.
Many of these relationship traps converge and become all the more damaging through their combined impact. The specific behaviors can emerge in dozens of different ways, and here I’ve drawn partly on what I did when depressed. The experience could feel very different in your relationship.
The Relationship Traps
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Irritability.
Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.
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Control.
When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. Even the flow of spontaneous feeling in the family can be threatening. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they’re desperate to preserve. That order, however, is completely arbitrary and can vary from moment to moment, depending on their own feelings. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.
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Blame.
The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ruining their lives and ignoring their needs. They keep lists of their grievances and obsess about the way they’re frustrated at every turn. Their partner is selfish and never tries to help. At work, they’re driving them crazy. Someone else is always at fault. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.
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Abuse.
Contempt and rejection become common. There is rebuke in every glance. Dismissive remarks about their partner’s appearance and attempts at conversation become the norm. With verbal attacks, they try to manipulate partners into believing they’re the ones in need of help and cause them to question their own judgment. At social gatherings, the depressed partners can make cutting remarks and ignore their partners while engaging happily with everyone else. At the worst, verbal abuse can even escalate to physical attacks.
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Addiction/Escape.
Trying to escape the pain of depression can lead to addictive behavior. Alcohol can dull all feeling. Drugs, pornography, affairs or fantasies of escaping to a new life can all provide temporary emotional highs and arousal to replace the despair or lack of deep feeling depression can cause. Real intimacy and relationship seem remote and disappear in the need to get away from the reality of the illness. The well partners can’t get through to them and can face angry denial that there’s anything wrong with them.
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Emotional Withdrawal.
Suddenly a depressed partner can feel like they’re not there. Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life. Nothing seems to get through to them. It’s as if they’ve disappeared. A relationship becomes impossible when it’s all one way.
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Obsessive Thinking.
It’s often called ruminating, but I prefer to call it obsessive thinking. That gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they’ve ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn’t make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person. They’re always close to the surface and provide reminders every day of how inadequate they are. These thoughts are a constant distraction from any effort to connect with a partner. They’re lost in these memories of everything they’ve ever done wrong and can never set right.
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Isolation.
Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left. Even when not so desperate, they may want to do things alone that they used to do with their partners. They may work all the time and avoid the pressure of being with people. The well partner is deserted. There’s literally no one there to try to relate to.
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Indifference.
Sometimes the sense of being overwhelmed or too despairing to face anyone is replaced by the inability to feel much of anything. The partner might say everything is fine, but there is no sense of real connection. Nothing stirs excitement. There’s no interest in sex. They may say they feel fine but have no interest in doing anything. They can be apparently quite sociable and at ease but can’t share anything deep or really make contact. Something is missing inside.
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Inability to Talk.
Depression can be so deep that the desire to talk and communicate disappears. The partner might be content to sit and stare for hours. If asked what’s wrong or if they want anything, there’s little response. Or if they’re still active, they may just find it impossible to talk about the depression they’re experiencing. They may say they’re trying to spare their partners the turmoil they’re going through. Or they can feel there is something so monstrous in them that they dare not expose it to anyone close. Nothing inside can be exposed through words.
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Shame and Worthlessness.
One of the hallmarks of depression is the overpowering sense of worthlessness. Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I’ve never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Everyone else may think I’m fine but they just don’t know what really goes on inside me. My partner couldn’t possibly love an idiot like me. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.
It’s hard to imagine a more complete inventory of weapons for destroying relationships. Even one or two would be like poison, but depression often brings them all together. They may not all occur within a single episode, but any of them can arrive without notice.
In future posts in this series, I’ll discuss how both partners can deal with these destructive changes and try to survive depression together.
How has depression affected your relationships? Have you watched a partner disappear in this illness, or have you been the depressed one imposing pain on your partner?
Image by pumpkinmook at Flickr
I suffer from many of these signs but attribute it mainly to living with a narcissist husband for 13 years. I’m a shell of the person I was before getting married. When you live with someone who has no self-awareness for their own behavior and has to fake empathy, it will drain the life out of you. Then add in years of devaluing your thoughts/feelings, gaslighting, disrespect, name calling and the narcissist angry rages, and it’s not a wonder one would become depressed. So before we go and put the focus and blame for marital issues on the depressed spouse, lets consider the monster they may be married to.
This is me at the moment. I’m struggling to cope.. I’ve become depressed isolated and can’t stand the site of my partner. But don’t know how to leave. I feel so stuck.
I am there as well , yet I have to leave it’s getting to bad , it started out verbal now it’s physical an just getting worse , he fractured my ankle 5 days ago the time before that he broke wooden broom handles on both my knees , and it goes on but each an every time it’s getting worse an worse an of course I deserve it , it’s all my fault , he is innocent don’t you know , but I am staying strong knowing I am not what he says that I am an knowing I deserve better then this , but how can he look himself in the mirror an like who he sees , an how can he be so damn nice to everyone but me , but I never knew the true meaning an nor did I ever really understand what the word “Hate” ment , but at 49 I do now , for I know it exactly what it means now , but how I wish I didn’t , an I also wonder will I ever be that person who was finally happy with her life an were I was 5 yrs ago now I am nothing of the woman an don’t know if I ever will be again , so know my der you are not alone in this messed world that we live in Donna D
Hello, please can I talk to someone? My partner of 4 years has quite severe mental health issues but won’t seek help.He says he has been on meds before and they made him feel even more ill. He stonewalls me and says he does not have depression but has told me when we met he has depersonalisation disorder. I think there are other things going on also but he won’t see a GP.His sleep is dreadful and he has just tried to secretly log into my social media to read private messages between me and close girlfriends last night whilst phone was next to our bed,he literally left me downstairs and went to bed and tried to log in 5 times,the Intruder selfie app pictured him I am totally shocked and distraught at the betrayal of trust and exhausted as have suffered a year plus enduring his irritabilty, sleeping all day and awake all night,angry outbursts,sniping about my family…all the time I have held down a fulltime job, he does not work at all but does some volunteering.He says he is worried that my good friend of 30 years is off with him because of what I have talked to her about…this is not true at all but his paranoia.I feel like he has no respect or trust for me and is a slit personality as he does not show ths weirdness and cruelty to anyone else but me. I feel suicidal and so alone. When we met,my Dad was terminally I’ll and died 11months in, it is hard as my partner helped so much and was kind and caring tho there were signs then too that he was troubled and needy. Now we live together and I am starting new job plus we have only just moved into new house…feel so hopeless,sad and a failure. He has made me feel like everything is my fault and hs never ever apologised for anything.Please help someone
Hi Becky, I’m so sorry to read your story and really felt your pain! How are you doing now?
I think it’s extremely important for you to think about your own well-being right now. When we live with a depressed person it can put us in a perpetual spin and bring us into a state of depression too.
Let me say this: it’s not your fault.
Depression is insidious and it turns people inwards. Sadly, those closest to the depressed partner bear the brunt. I understand he’s depressed and that requires compassion, but compassion doesn’t mean tolerating unacceptable behaviour or being neglected. Please make sure you look after you as that’s what you have most control over now. That way, whatever happens, you will be in a better stronger place. I know it’s hard and easy to say, but trust me, you must not let it pull you under as well.
Dear Peggy… I’m deeply sorry for your suffering… From what you are facing in your marriage, would you please describe to me what is the behavior of a narcissist husband?
I have been living in exactly these trappings of my spouse who suffers war trauma (PTSD) from three years in combat theatre , suicidal idea and severe depression as well as manic bipolar. I have prayed for a year God would heal him but he will not deal with his depression with a professional. I have literally gotten to a point where I cannot do this with him anymore but he does not even care or see that. He already reached the paranoid stuff which is why he won’t go to counseling- he sees it as a set up for me to leave and take kids. What he does not realize is if I was going to do that I would have done it long ago. He has reached what I call wounded narcissist. He does not have a truly narcissistic personality but the version of narcissism which can be healed when he heals – my prayers for his healing have remained largely ignored by God and Though my faith in God is strong I am beginning to wonder if I have been misunderstanding what God is expecting me to do. I CANNOT keep living these trappings with the kids. He is taking perfect days and crushing them in his own depression. It is almost like the day is so perfect he feels like he doesn’t deserve it and then deliberately destroys it for no reason whatsoever. It felt like he was just trying to get a ride out of me. At least he can connect to anger right? That’s the emotion he relates to most. But the more I refuse to join him in his anger the more isolated he is. But I won’t. I will not meet anger for anger. I have to know a way to combat what he is feeling in that moment and how he is deflecting it. He is nursing his negative Emotions and after 10 years of defending him against what others say I am going to have to be honest with him that they are right- he loves his depression more than he seems to love us. Because he would rather nurse the negative Emotions he has grown to know than trust any positive ones and deal with his depression and let us all move forward. It is torture for the rest of us. He hates it when it is said but it’s absolutely true- he does not want to get better and he is not trying. I can no longer defend him. He is allowing his depression to rule over us all. That is not love. He cannot love us when he is this determined to force us to live in all these trappings. Thank you for this. It is the first and most honest post I have ever read because every word of it has been precisely the Experience daily for a decade. He was not like this before combat. But I wish that soldier would learn his new mission is to fight this depression.
Wow youre a great person. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you and him arent meant for each other. Get over the facade. Its over, he needs to get into treatment alone. Take the kids and stay with family. Im a combat vet. Good luck and rest easy.
I’ve lived with my kind wife who has suffered from everything bar from the addiction. It sounds ridiculous to say that I find comfort in knowing that it’s not just me that has failed and to know that these are consequences of the hard life that she has to live.
I love her but it’s hard
Hello,
I am currently still trying to improve with what went on in my situation with my best friend.
you see, we were very close, and we would literally hang out everyday. until a year and a half later, he unfriends me on a platform without reason. corona appeared the beginning of 2020, that’s where everything went downhill.
I would constantly blow up his notifications asking him what’s wrong and other questions for about half an hour because I was so worried he got hurt or something. I even sent him emails through my school computer, and he still doesn’t reply at all to any of them. I tested if he even reads them a few days ago, telling him to reply with the word, “bread” if he read the whole email. he didn’t.
(sorry for my language) to my point of view I got fucking abandoned by my best friend and for what? “oH hE iS jUsT shY” no he fucking isn’t! that was an excuse for too long! I still know where he lives and if I ever see him in public I swear I’m gonna kick him where it fucking hurts, why? you find me aggressive? Oh I’m sorry that motherfucker hurt me! I cried for a few nights, over ate, and nearly got addicted to electronics! what do you think my reaction would be?!
he is why I have trust issues with every new person to pop up in my life,because he broke my trust. he is the reason why I lost my relaxation abilities in public, because I feel I should never let my guard down like the time he unfriended me so many times.
I was looking at my search history while typing this, and realized I typed, ” I am a person who stays inside all day with trust issues towards any new person to pop up in my life, yet I am worried I Will not have a soulmate when I get older, and that I will stay lonely and miserable until I die. Why is that?” I used to have a fucking crush on that fucker. what did I ever see in him?
He ghosts me for a full year dude. that’s what got me the most I think.
Yo.
Just got married a year ago after dating for five years. It’s a whole different ballgame, we’re finding. Doesn’t help that our first year was 2020. Hoorayyyyy for the year that keeps on “giving.”
I’m the depressive one in my relationship. Meanwhile, I’m still dealing with a ton of other stuff from my upbringing. (Therapy helped a bit.) I’ve had to unlearn so much, and it’s not done. I have a fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, anger issues… I can relate to almost everything here. I’m a real piece of work.
We also “waited” until the wedding night to do the deed, so to speak. I learned that night I had a medical condition that prevented the deed from being done (As in, excruciating pain). And the deed wasn’t done for the first 8 months of marriage. It’s better now, but that honestly destroyed me for awhile, because I was like “Did I marry the right guy? Did he marry the right girl? Do I not trust him enough? Is he even trustworthy.” Again and again it looped.
Consequently, I fell into a lot of what’s described here.
Then came the perceived lonliness. Fear of what I may do to ruin things in the future. It was a dark, dark time. There was also alcohol, and a whole lot of self hate and resentment that had been brewing since before we got married.
My husband has his own issues, as well. But he’s definitely the stable one. He’s had to be strong for so long while I figure myself out. My issues are a big part of the reason we waited so long to get married.
Things have become managable, but I’m still learning how to take care of someone who’s not me. But I fall the hardest after I “fail” in the relationship. In that mode, I can only see where it went wrong, and nothing else. My perception is that the relationship is “ruined,” and that my husband SHOULD run away because I’m evil and blah blah blah.
But that’s just my brain freaking out on me. It’s not a fact. The relationship isn’t beyond fixing. I have to remind myself of this often.
Depression and personality disorders aren’t an automatic death sentence for a marriage/relationship. Doesn’t have to be. If you both want to work on it, you can.
(Obviously, if you’re in real danger from your partner, then leaving is warranted. I shouldn’t have to say this little disclaimer, but this is the internet where things get easily misinterpreted.)
Gonna come nack to thisbpost in 10 years and see where we’re still at. Peace.
My best friend is currently depressed – and has been for quite some time now.
She’s been blaming the closest people around her for her happiness and saying we are part of the reason why she wants to kill herself, etc. Sabotaging her house, taking it out on her boyfriend..
It’s been very tough on me as I am also going through my own troubles with family/work etc at the same time trying to support her emotionally and be there for her. I just can’t be there all of the time because I myself am emotionally drained and need time for myself.
What do I do in this situation?
My name is Andrew and I have suffered from depression off and on since I was 17 I am 42 now.. I have seen counselors and been on numerous medications off and on. I have lived through many of these situations that are shared here. Yes sometimes its not easy to live with someone with my silent killer of a disease. I am truly sickened by the replies to peoples heart felt stories of people they love that are truly asking for guidance and above all concerns for themselves and someone they fell in love with. Yes ive been the partner that has affected my relationship with the very things that depression can play a huge role in. 12 years and 2 wonderful children with a woman that I spent 8 months everyday going into her place of work and writing on a napkin asking her to go on a date. I never realized how much depression could affect our relationship. Her name is Jenna and she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She also in the later years tried and tried everything to get me to see what was happening. The silent killer of depression had done its damage and I wasnt hearing a thing she was saying. Not one Dr in my early years and later ever once warned or discussed even mentioned a word about how it could affect my relationship with a woman Im madly in love with just side affects of the medicine I was prescribed. This silent killer has had life events that fueled its mighty flame like I was diagnosed with Diabetes in my early 30’s. Ive struggled with my self expression of how I viewed sex compared to how normal society viewed it wich slowly turned into a sex addiction with internet porn and masturbation wich fueled the silent killer called depression. I am doing what I need to do for myself to beat this silent killer. I am greatly upset and think you should shut this website down cause your replies are leave you cant help just leave you know how many people that cry for help that end up taking there own lives they just needed someone to listen your responses are just like that telling people leave now do yourself a favor just leave. Well people if you love them and you know they love you too and that thing called depression is right there in the middle of it all kick the shit out of it together do it dont just leave the replies to your stories are the furthest from what you should do and listen the replies also say good luck leave or good luck. Whats stupid in my book this site its no advice or help just leave or goodluck.
I’m sorry for what you are going through or have gone through but I have been with my spouse who has depression for the last 6 years. The first year I feel like it was all a show. I have tried being supportive but his depression is taking a toll on me and it’s not fair. I have come to the conclusion that staying is not healthy for neither of us. He doest get help and I am so tired of never knowing whether we will argue or not. Sometimes arguments go on for 2-3 hours and mostly him talking about how I am not fulfilling his needs and I can’t walk away bc he gets upset. So I do feel like leaving is the best choice…
Hi Gloria
Yeah I feel the same sometimes . My husband blames me and just checks out emotionally most of the time . I keep thinking there has to be someone for me that is mote stable. That would bring pleasure to my life not misery.!! Then I feel guilty. My husband is good about buying me gifts . The problem is it feels like a rolls coaster ride. I never know when the ride is down or up snd how long the ride will take or if I’m the only rider!!
My husband has displayed every one of those bullet points. I’ve been hanging on for 12 years thinking it will get better. He was sober for 7 years but started drinking again recently, only to get help and now he has been sober 12 days. The blame game and emotional abuse is flaring it’s ugly head again. He thinks I am to blame for everything and says I am his trigger. I know I’m not but it hurts just the same. It’s exhausting. I know this is a disease and some days I’m stronger and more hopeful than others that he will persevere. He is miserable with his life and I find that so sad. It’s disheartening in that he has so much to be proud and happy about but he neglects to see any of the good. It’s all negative to him and it is never his fault. He’s lost 6 jobs over the course of 12 years and has no friends. I know he loves me and the children because he tells me on his good days, but those are few and far between. I’m tired of the mental abuse. It’s wearing on my soul.
I’m tired of always being the adult, the positive one, the loving one, the one who works two full time jobs to support the family. I’m sure over the course of our 23 year marriage I’m to blame for many arguments because it always takes two to tango, but I can no longer deal with this side of him. He needs help. He’s tried psychologists and he’s on various meds but his anger and rage inside are so deep, I cannot see the light anymore. He’s not a danger to anyone but himself maybe. I’m not sure. I rely on my faith but I believe I’m done. It’s just been too long. I’m not sure why I’m submitting this entry except maybe to help someone who’s feeling the same. Try and keep the faith but when enough is enough it may be better to let them go. I worry about him every day and will continue to worry because I do love him. I rank this disease up there with cancer and ALS. The caregivers take a beating.
@Elle I just want to tell you that you are incredibly strong and brave.
I get notifications for new comments on this, because I commented on it many years ago. It’s frightening to read how many people go through these similar situations yet it’s not a topic of conversation that I have ever seen/heard discussed anywhere.
I am still in my marriage and the looming toll of depression ebbs and flows. There have been many times I could (& maybe should) have made this decision, but I just couldn’t find the inner strength.
12 years is a really long time to live through this. It sounds like he has received help but it has not actually helped. You are certainly entitled to live a life which is free from verbal abuse. I cannot imagine what a relief it will be to wake up in the morning and not be walking on eggshells, not be worried about what husband you’re going to be living with today, not be trying to repeat “it’s not him, it’s the disease” in you’re head as if it will magically protect your heart from whatever lies ahead.
Good luck and stay strong xxx
Hi you have just written exactly what my life is like just now. Every word. Im stuck as to what to do. I feel I need to leave to make everyone happier… me the kids and him… but I cant bring myself to leave him .he has noone else.except me and the kids. No job. No family nearby and no friends. I have suggested he go see the doctor… but he won’t talk about it. He thinks if I change the way I am he will feel better. He says I need to put more effort in to see his perspective. I’ve tried hard but he thinks I’m selfish and self centred. I’ve tried being nicer. I walk on egg shells a lot. We argue so much and he blames me for everything. I d9nt know what to do.
Oh Elle, I literally just cried so much to read your feelings written down exactly how I would mine, with my current situation.
17 years later and it’s worsening and I know I’ve used up all my strength to fight it, and I now need to attempt to walk away from the pain I feel from my partner being the way he is.
Thankyou for sharing , I’d never wish anyone to live through this but it’s comforting to know someone understands exactly how this feels xxx
Elle. I’m in tears. While I’m not married and I don’t have kids, your story is so similar to mine I just had to comment – even though I never normally comment. Thank you for posting this. I just started therapy of my own 3 weeks ago to try and deal with the last 6 years of being with my depressed partner. I have just been feeling so alone and in my head because no one around me – friends or family- has a partner that is like mine. I have no idea how to talk to family and friends about this, so I just bottle it all up. Thank you again for posting this, and for everyone who has commented. It just feels good not to be alone.
Thank you for your honesty. I am in a place where I can’t make a decision and I have so much else going on that will have to be OK. Right now I am going through cancer chemotherapy treatment and have had a mastectomy and am looking forward to radiation and then anti estrogen drugs. And it is still all about my husband, and he is saying that he loves me “now” but has picked this time to tell me about all the lies and resentments and betrayals and cruelties that he has given me over the past 5 years, really up to 10. In great detail especially about the porn addiction, surprising to me because 5 years ago he told me he was impotent as a way to get me out of his bed. Then he told me he got a kick out of masturbating with me in the next room because he was getting away with it. And he described to me what he fantasized about doing to these beautiful young women. I found him with a computer screen full of them naked from the waist up 4 days after my right breast was removed for cancer and I still had bloody drained I was emptying. He told me he was tired, went to bed and left me alone, and fell asleep in front of them.m I thought that he would help me but he only hurts me over and over and makes it so much worse. I pray at night that I won’t wake up in the morning and that God will take me home. We have been married for 32 years and I have always loved him. This is the first hate and it’s ripping me apart. I am grateful for yours honesty and it makes me feel less alone. But I am still paralyzed with pain and love and betrayal. I do nothing but cry.
A few months back I got in touch with an old friend and what entailed was these whirlwind scenario where we were both like wtf is happening. Had both never felt a connection with someone like that before. I knew he had a history of depression but apparently I was making him his happiest.
A month or two later He had a bereavement and around the same time we also had a few arguments. In fairness the arguments would be over silly things that you would be able to get over Normally however he would Still explode. Scream at me but not call me names. My natural instinct and mistake I made was to defend myself rather than leave him to chill. We would make up afterwards and he’d be really apologetic. He had a lot going on family wise so I was probably more patient and forgiving than I would normally had been.
Following week another argument happened over something silly but I could see during that week he was becoming gradually more irritable Or not generally as nice as usual. I approached him about it and he exploded and after that he’s depression seem to be have been back however in hindsight it looks to have been a more gradual thing, with the irritable ness which I just mistook for stress or grieving. We agreed we wanted to make it work I’d support him (somehow) but everyone has gone since then that you would expect in a relationship. Affection fun even love which has been ongoing for a month now. If I asked if he loved me he’d say yes but not ready to say it yet which messed with my head. Like generally won’t say anything nice and it really gets me down and question th whole relationship and messes with your own self esteem.
The irritability and arguments are intensifying and can be triggered by asking a simple question like do you want to be with me still.. apparently that’s putting pressure or pushing him but then if I was to ever suggest we end it he’d be like fine give up on me then. Your removed from my Shackles sort of thing. He will know throw insults into it to like scream that I’m f’ing dumb and if I say I don’t deserve to be spoken to like I’m told I am cos I put him in that headspace, so he is now blaming me for making me depressed which I think is the worst of it all. To put that burden on you when all you want to do is love someone and be loved back. Deep down I know that’s not true as he has bad depressive episodes before me and all couples should be able to argue without them m exploding into depression. Reasons for it are because he has to repeat himself to me when I asked questions or cos I don’t listen.
I have suggested he speaks to someone and he has said he will and he knows his head is messed up. But he never did and mentality has changed and gotten worse. As i appeared to be getting all the blame yet he was telling me he wants this to work I recently suggested there might be other factors contributing to it not just me. He exploded. I said you need to speak to someone and he said I did. I spoke to you but you never listened so I’m now in this dark place cos of you. I really don’t think I can be his gf and psychotherapist. He’s now gone all quiet all week to focus on his mental health on his own. Had a day off work after the argument cos of anxiety. Not spoken for a week and He is off again cos he’s not well cos of it all still. If I speak to him how I’m feeling (down,) I’m called selfish that f him and his depression and stuff and that how her I feel it’s not as bad as him. Unable to have a normal conversation to iron out our differences. Really at a loss what to do. I know deep down he is a lovely bloke and we could have something good but then also feel like I’m being walked all over and really not respected at all. I care about him so I want to support him and don’t want to make him worse but really unsure if there is light at the end of our tunnel anymore.
I’m actually crying whilst reading this.. This is my husband !
He has told me two days ago our marriage is over, He tells me I have been a bully and caged him all our married life.. He has a strong character no way would he ever do anything he didn’t want.
I am not perfect and know I may have done and said things which he doesn’t like but he knows I love him with all my heart, to which he says ” You are the most loving person ever (too loving)’ I don’t understand.
He refuses to tell me what have done to make him feel this way, he shouts saying “stop asking that question” completely dismissing me.
I cannot say anything these days, if he does something wrong I have to let everything go because if i criticise him even in the nicest kindest possible way is taken like I’ve told him I’m having an affair or something major.
He has put on weight but i’m not bothered, but I am aware he’s not happy with himself, however, he continues to eat rubbish and drink soda drinks like an alcoholic would drink alcohol.
Every photograph he looks angry and miserable.
He has been out of work for 6 months and found a new interest, however, its an x box racing game which he is continually on for between 4 – 7 hours daily, leaving me alone each evening.
He drinks more than 100 cans of coke each week taking about 3 to bed, it breaks my heart to see how addicted he is to something that cant be doing is health any good, however, I dearnt mention anything to him he goes mad and a big argument is created where he will not speak to me for up to about 1 week.
He has no motivation to do any exercise walk the dogs or do anything.
In the six months hes been at home he washes the dishes leaving them on the kitchen drainer, he feeds the dogs and after nicely asking but after being initially agry he now puts some washing in the washer transfers it to the tumble dryer and folds (threes only the two of us). In this time i have continued to work he has made dinner after request a maximum of three times,
I have been working from home some of the time were he has made me 1 cup of tea in the whole 8-10 hours I have continuously worked and because i said to him quietly I was a bit upset that he hadn’t made a sandwich for us for lunch he snapped, and moved out of our room in to a spare room.
He would offer to take me out for a couple of hours t o the local shops when i wasn’t working but it felt like this was enough to keep me happy so that he could do his own thing and leave me on my own for a few hours every evening even though he had been playing his x-box often during the day.
We have always had a joint bank account, the one we have has sub accounts attached for each of us, he knows my login but he has a different password for his and every time I mention why I cant have his he goes off on one at me like hes hiding something. I am aware he is spending money buying things on E bay i have no problem but he does seem to be spending money like there’s no issue.
Our kids have noticed a big change in him, they tell me its not working and i’m like his lapdog, I love him so much and cant bear the thought of being separated but he tells me there’s no going forward he has some love for me but not enough to carry on, he wants to be alone and do his own thing.
He is cold makes me feel worthless i’m not well and have an MRI for a brain scan, he told me he doesn’t care he isn’t going to support me and to get the kids to support me, I’m devastated.
He is controlling me, but believes its the other way around, he has become very selfish which has been noticed by many. I have found it difficult to ignore but every time i attempt to ask questions he gets angry, growls shouts and bangs his hands down telling me to get away out of his face.
I have asked for a few years for us to get counselling, he completely rejects this all the time denying he needs any help what so ever. It took me a couple of months to finally get hi to see our GP again after he stopped taking the depression medication he had been previously on for 7 years.
I don’t think he has grieved his eldest brothers passing 4 years ago, he couldn’t return for his mothers funeral just having had major back surgery.
His mother never told him she loved him and seemed to put him down.
One of his brothers bullied him as a child.
The way he looks at me is with contempt but he does say I look nice, he doesn’t seem to make much effort these days with his appearance. Its like he truly believes that I am in the wrong nearly 100% of the time he doesnt like to admit to any wrong doing, I say sorry knowing I haven’t any need to beacause it wasn’t me.
At social gatherings he is jokey like he always has been however, he over steps the mark i can see it in others faces but if i say anything he is angry and stops speaking to me.
His new found pleasure of being alone playing on the x-bow appears to be his highlight. its like he has the need to get away from the reality of normal life and thinks this life is the one for him without me. He denies there is anything wrong with him.
He tells me i’m always on my phone on face book, denies being on his phone, he doesn’t see what hes doing its like hes oblivious.
Our marriage isn’t right i just cant speak to him it seems to be his way and Im way down the pecking order.
His positive side has gone!
He likes being alone away from me on the x-box, he rarely calls my phone or text messages me.
Nothing really seems to excite him other than gadgets, his x box and his car, however, until he moved out of our room last week our sex life was good he admits there’s nothing at all wrong there and we have a good connection,
Communication and relaying feelings and being able to discuss problems is absolutely abysmal, he walks away and will never talk, the mention of counselling is completely dismissed.
I do think he feels a sense of worthlessness and has lack of self-esteem but makes no attempt to make things right.
All he wants now is for us to split up says hes sorry i’m hurting but there’s nothing he can do to make me feel better.. I am gutted, distraught crying and cant eat i don’t know what to do????
All my friends and family tell me I’m not the one who’s wrong, they tell me to get over him and the psychologist says he has lots of narcissistic traits.. i just want him to get better I know hes ill and its not all about things in our marriage but i’m banging my head against a brick wall, I need help, I love him and don’t want to give up, i believe if we get some professional help things could be good, but how do i do this..?????????????????????
Honestly, you do need a divorce. He needs to do his own thing and maybe once you’re separated for a good amount of time he’ll come back, promising his best. But I hope you don’t take him back because he’ll revert again. Im sorry it must be very hard because you don’t want to give up, but he’s already given up and a relationship is mutual. You’ve done and suggested everything. And he is purposely sabotaging the relationship and doesn’t truly care about how you feel or what he’s doing to his family. You need to do what’s best for you and your children. If you’re the primary holder of your bank account close it and get a different one just for you. Move out. Im sorry that you still lo e him, but he doesn’t feel the same anymore, he would treat you better if he did. Do him and yourself a favor and distance yourselves.
OMG! I knew my husband was depressed and it had to be why is the way he is now. This confirms it. However, he doesn’t believe in therapy, he wants no more meds(has 5 different medication for hypertension and cholesterol) so how do I get him help. He won’t admit it’s him. He tells me all the time that I have changed but after reading this he’s half of these; 1, 3, 4 (verbal), 6,7 & 8. I have a lot of patients that I deal with it but I’ll tell you I’m flipping him off behind his back.
Those hypertension meds could actually be the cause of his depression.
Maybe i can find help here from people who may understand. Postpartum depression has really hit me hard. I feel it in the random spurts of anger i throw towards my family. I feel it in the suicidal thoughts. I feel empty and embarrassed. I fee as if nothing i do i can do right i feel as if no one understands me. A few months before i gave birth my husband’s ex made a fake account and was telling me that he and her were in a relationship together and some more heartbreaking things my husband told me that none of it was true and not to worry. But I felt discouraged unwanted hurt and All the rest. A bout to months ago my depression hit worse and I felt so invalid in my relationship, so i search for my ex on Instagram just see what he was up to and how his life was. I liked a picture that’s it. I felt horrible i felt my husband would definitely break up with me for this so I deleted the account off my phone. I feel so embarrassed because my husband has now found that i did that. I know i hurt him, when I was in a bad state of mind. I’ve lost my husbands trust in me. That’s painful. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why I feel invalid or unloved or angry. I tend to just blurt out answers and if it’s a lie I don’t correct myself. I do this a lot even with the simple things that I shouldn’t have to lie about but i do. I don’t know if it’s something actually wrong with me or if the depression. I hope someone may be able to help me understand more. I’ve been to doctors and therapists but I always get the same answers that seem to not even answer my initial question. I hate living like this. The past two months I’ve been trying my best to change my way of think and better myself for my family but it seems that no matter what direction i go in i still fall right back on face with the same issues. Please help me if you’ve ever felt this
I am the depressed person. Created havoc in my home. Pushed away friends and family. The depression never goes away. I take my meds every day (35 years now) I have been to different therapists. I know the pain and destruction I have caused. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. I am in the midst of a very bad episode. They can last days weeks or months. He is at that point of giving up. We always get to that point. By almost every thing I have read, I should leave him if I love him, so he can have a calmer life.
i hurt for you because wow I get it . but if he has stuck around for 20 years I am willing to bet he loves you. count yourself lucky and keep hanging on
When someone you love leaves you, you do not have a calmer life. You have an emptier life, a life without the person you love.
If you decide you need to leave, please recognise that it is for your own sake. You may think it will be better for him, but his life choices are not for you to make. If your husband wants you to leave, he can ask you to leave. If he does not, and you decide to leave when he wants you to stay, the decision is for you, about you, for your sake.
I have been on the other side of this type of thing, and I can tell you that it did not help me when my depressed love left me, saying that it would be better for me. I have never recovered from that. And neither has he. I think he was lying to himself, and he pulled that lie on me, and it sounded like an excuse to me, and I called him out on it – I can make my own decisions about what is right for me. If your husband tells you that he would rather be with you – depressed or not – than not be with you, I hope you will believe him. Whatever you decide about leaving, it is about you.
I was in a relationship with someone who has Depression a couple of years ago and at first everything was going fantastic. He wanted to wine & dine me, go on walks with me, wanting to spend all his time with me. He said that I made him happy, he even called me “His medicine”. But then out of the blue, things changed. He stopped talking to me (this went on for 2 months), so I was having to make the effort to communicate with him. And he stopped wanting to spend time with me, it was like he didn’t want to know me anymore. He even cancelled a walk where we could talk properly because in his words “You make me anxious and I can’t think about you right now.” I know that no one chooses to have Depression because why the hell would you want to be bullied by your brain? But when you’re on the receiving end, it’s hard not to take it personally. Daft as it sounds, I almost wish that I had done something wrong because then I would have understood why he was behaving like he was. I actually burst into tears after a customer was rude to me because of my ex. He told me near the beginning of our relationship that he has Depression but I think that was only because he was being quite manic so I asked him if he has Bipolar. Not my most sensitive moment I admit. But if I hadn’t asked him he probably wouldn’t have told me. He did eventually break up with me by saying that he likes the company but doesn’t feel anything romantic. He said he doesn’t love me, never did love me & never fancied me- even though he’s the one that did the chasing (he’s 8 years my senior but that never mattered) and apparently I’d been forcing him to be something he’s not- cos it’s always someone else’s fault! And he said that he’d been dealing with addiction issues, which was why he wasn’t talking to me. I haven’t spoken to him for 2 years, which might be harsh but what was he expecting to happen? You can’t treat someone like dirt then expect instant forgiveness. It doesn’t work like that. It’s true what they say, you do forget why you ever fancied that person.
Hi Sally,
I have been treated for depression, anxiety and obsessive rumination for going on 7 years now. They have ran the gamut of meds on me trying to get the right mix so my brain can stop trying to destroy me.
For a very long time, my wife would get angry, or snap, at me every time something came up that was the fault of my illness. We found something that has helped immensely. Funny enough, we found it on a site dealing with my autoimmune (the cause of the depression/anxiety/OR). Name the illness. Whether it’s physical, mental – give it a name and an identity. My mental opponent is Phil and my autoimmune is Steve. No particular reason. Just arbitrary names.
After a while, she got used to blaming Phil or Steve when my brain or my illness/pain kept me from being able to be a normal husband. I am sorry you had to endure that. It sounds like his mental illnesses were not well-treated or properly managed. Out of control depression and anxiety gets ugly. It took us a couple of years before we realized my entire personality had shift. It is insidious in the way it can sneak in.
I wish you well and I hope your ex gets his brain demons properly treated and managed.
Kind regards,
Jason
My ex battles with depression and an un-named affective disorder. We broke up during quarantine because, understandably, she was in a bad place and so was I; we were at each other’s throats all the time. She has been to therapy over the years and I really admire her because I see how hard she’s worked to be well, self-sufficient and to have an amazing support system that I love being part of to this day. I don’t know if we’ll get back together but for now, I want to continue being there for her. I know that won’t be possible unless I educate myself , continue working on being strong enough to be there when the going gets tough and ultimately setting boundaries so I don’t neglect myself.
I think the biggest challenge is not feeling guilty or blaming myself when she’s down. Also, not getting caught off guard when she snaps, and setting boundaries.
And I’ve been depressed before too so I know what it’s like and I’m aware that not having an ongoing diagnosis doesn’t make you perfect. I snap, I lose my patience, I can be insensitive, etc.
I’d appreciate any honest advice because I really love this girl. She is truly amazing and smart and I hate that her brain tricks her into thinking she’s worthless.
It’s been really helpful to read all of these stories.
My boyfriend and I have been together for the past 8 months (I realize this isn’t long to most people but it is to me as I don’t carry romantic relationships for very long because I just don’t feel a connection). We are just out of college (23) and have known each other since high school but were never really close until now. We started things off casually and he warned me from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship. He’s always been open about the fact that he struggles with anxiety and depression and he is convinced that he manages it fine when I know that he turns to vices and claims therapy doesn’t work for him so he doesn’t go.
Anyways, I wasn’t too concerned about having a serious relationship with him when he warned me but things escalated and we both caught feelings. Soon enough we were going on dates and he even invited me to a family event. His mother told me how happy I make him. He seemed like he enjoyed this so I said enough is enough and I told him that since we were essentially dating that we should just label ourselves that way. He told me that he felt the same way but that he is scared and doesn’t think that he can be enough for me. I made him list all of the negative things he thinks of himself and he cried. He said he almost asked me to be his girlfriend but hesitated and felt it was a bad sign so he thinks we should just go back to being friends. He says that this isn’t about me and that he cares about me so much, he thinks I’m amazing. He admitted it’s problems he has with himself and that I have already been more patient with him than he feels he deserves.
Of course this breaks my heart as I don’t fully understand why he can’t trust me and take this chance. If he knows that he struggles with this and is comfortable to tell me, why can’t he trust me to help him maneuver this together?
We tried to hang out a few times after breaking it off and I kept pressuring him for answers because my mind is reeling: how could he say that he has such deep feelings for me and care so much for me but not WANT a relationship? What about a relationship doesn’t he want and why am I not enough to outweigh those negative things in his mind?
I ended up saying a lot of things that I now know I shouldn’t have like critiquing the way that he is so emotionally closed off to people and things like that. It made him cry and I apologized and he said that he understood where it came from. I suggested that we take some space to cool off and he agreed. During that time he purposefully showed up to a friend’s house he knew I was at to get something from her (which earlier on in the night he said he could just get the next day but then changed his mind) but also refused to come inside because he didn’t want to see me and I thought that was childish. He has been actively liking my posts on social media and viewing all of my stories.
It had almost been two weeks since we hadn’t talked so I swallowed my pride and texted him first. I let him know that I am here for him and he thanked me but seemed to dismiss it a little. We talked for a long time about random things but it seemed like I was carrying the conversation even though he was responding more than 1 word answers.
We share a group of mutual friends who usually hang out every weekend and I hope to see him there this weekend but I also crave time with him alone like we used to have. I know that we’re trying to be friends but I expressed that I don’t want to be because I care for him so much and it’s hard to simply repress my emotional and sexual feelings for him. He also won’t let me touch him at all anymore and says that even when I rest my head on his shoulder it makes him uncomfortable.
I have gone into a depressive episode over this (and other issues I have been suppressing) and am seeking therapy. I understand that I need to take care of myself before him but I miss him so much and I feel that our relationship is worth fighting for. I wish he could see himself the way that I see him, this beautiful, great, and amazing person, and I don’t know what to do. I see him as being so hopeless for himself and I want to support him, not change him, but I feel like he is so far away from me now. I feel like time is needed but I don’t know how much or what to do. I don’t know how close to stay to him in a way that’s comfortable to me and him and rebuilds what we had.
I’ve read some of these posts saying that I should just leave but I really don’t want to. I believe that this is not the end and that we care so much for each other that there has to be a way to make this work.
Please C – leave him. It’s not worth it. I am someone that got married to a depressed lady and thought I can fix her naively or that she will become better after we get married. Nothing can be further from the truth. She has destroyed my happiness and is not a good mother to the children. Run!!
While I think it’s good advice to leave, as trying to be there for them usually doesn’t help the person can only do it themselves at the end. I don’t statements such as ”she destroyed my happiness” are true, this implies a misconception of reality, happiness is never something externally done to you by another person, but rather an internal awareness / choice / responsibility.
Very Very Well Said
Marcus!!
I am 12 yrs younger than my girlfriend, and we’ve been together for over 10 up & dwn yrs. We haven’t had sex for over3 yrs., and it’s bc of her alcohol problem(s)… vodka….
Plus, she’s aged too fast bc of it!
I suffer from depression and THAT has also been a main topic of argument…
Now, my question is, is it “normal”
to be with someone and not be intimate with them? I love her for who she is.
Thx.
Yes! Run fast! I too am married to a man who is depressed, doesn’t even want to help himself. Drains the life out of me!
Let him go.
My (ex) is forever held captive by the depression at almost 40. I STILL struggle with wanting to be there for him, missing him, leaving the door open….I should have stopped this madness early on. Even when he does come back, you get addicted to the high of those moments and chase the ghost. It’s a sick cycle. You just want one more hit. They don’t ever look at you like you are hoping he will -add the one loyal, unconditional one who stuck it out – he will grow to resent your persistent presence. You’ll pull back, he’ll draw near, you’ll get your fix and he will leave you again.
I am 12 yrs younger than my girlfriend, and we’ve been together for over 10 up & dwn yrs. We haven’t had sex for over3 yrs., and it’s bc of her alcohol problem(s)… vodka….
Plus, she’s aged too fast bc of it!
I suffer from depression and THAT has also been a main topic of argument…
Now, my question is, is it “normal”
to be with someone and not be intimate with them? I love her for who she is.
Thx.
I think hes trying to tell u, in the nicest way, hes just not into u, in the way u r to him, cut your losses, as hard as it may be, and realize that u are kind and loving, and theres alot of guys who are looking and waiting someone like u, get out there and live!
Hi everyone. I first posted here on March 9 of 2016 and thought I’d give you an update to add a little optimism to the mix.
Condensed story; wife had major depression issues as a result of emotional abuse by her family. She tried her best, but the same kind of stuff ended up being dumped on me for over a decade. After a long time trying to fix it, I left.
It’s now 5 years since I stepped away, and this summer has been fantastic for me. I was talking with my sister the other day and realized that I no longer care about not caring about the past. That’s to say that in the last few years, the damage has been fading, but I spent a lot of time reflecting on how much better my life was now that I’m not in that situation anymore. This summer I seem to have turned a corner where I’m just doing things and living my life without giving much thought to comparisons with the past. It’s maybe an academic difference, but the effect of it is that I think it’s freed me up to think about the future instead. I finally feel like I’m much closer psychologically speaking to the old me, where I looked forward to what I can do instead of dwelling on what I did or didn’t do.
I guess the short way of putting it is:
When I was in the marriage, I felt like I was coping.
When it started to twig that this thing was harmful to me and was happening in a never-ending cycle, I felt like I was a victim.
When I left, and for a long time after, I felt like a survivor.
Now, I just feel like me.
Last thought: I started to do improvements on the crappy property that I bought after leaving. Up until this summer, the prospect of doing that has felt like an insurmountable mountain to climb. Now I’m doing it and it’s fun. One foot in front of the other. It gets better, folks. Chin up and keep going.
Fabulous!
I felt the same. I left due to its “Depression” which in the real world was really just abuse and nastiness towards its devoted wife.
2.5 years later, divorced, new home of my own, I feel free!
I will never have to see it again…woohoo.
I still have to look over my shoulder as it did stalking, but I now have CCTV at home which makes me feel safer.
Onwards and upwards
Years into depression, I realized that I could control some aspects of my life. Whether or not anyone else approved of my choices. After all, they were making choices about their own lives without consulting me. I’m about 10 yrs into this phase of healing. It’s still very difficult. I often mentally run the gauntlet of their expectations, then use that to determine if it’s worth the effort. Pain, shame, guilt, threats?
I used to make the mistake of believing happiness lay on the path of least resistance. Don’t try and you won’t fail. Go along to get along. The personal worth of success was not even used as a counterweight. But I defined failure as disappointing someone else, experiencing their disfavor or even risking the loss of their presence in my life. What I did find was disregard. Instead of absenting themselves, they simply disregarded me. I could be a sofa cushion or a chauffeur, the entertainment or the waitress, or the electric fence around the perimeter of their pride. What I was not was my own person.
Ironic that taking charge of my own life and being the unique individual I was born to be was something I ceded to others.
But as I try out the word “no”, as I consciously refuse to melt under the gaze of a disapproving eye or take back my words if someone else acts appalled, I grow inside. I become wiser and more comfortable in this new roomier self. Most people applaud the evolving me. Even those I assumed would be my detractors.
This is amazing.
I’m nine years in. I’ve tried leaving him several times. I still find hope at times and that’s why I stay.
But lately I’ve replaced compassion with bitterness. I can feel my eyes opening to this toxic cycle.
How are you a year later? Do you date? Did she ever get better?
Thanks for sharing.
M
im very young been in this cycle for about 3 years he says im the cause of his depression and it makes me so sad and discouraged that i want to leave but in the same breath if i were to leave im ” giving up on him” im so stuck i dont want to lose myself. i feel like im walking on egg shells most days i love him so much i want ti make him happy but i just feel lost bc hes all i have i have no friends.
Hi,
Allow me to thank you for posting this! I can’t really say when did my depression began, I’ve had a few relationships fail, I would like to say that I have taken more than enough responsibility for my part in what ever went wrong, my most recent partner claims we’ve been together 13 yrs! I thought it had been about 12, we’ve got kids together and from previous relationships… Sincei gave birth to our youngest daughter I have this awkward feeling , alot has changed between us and he blames me, tells me that I drain him:'( I don’t know what to do… A few months back I tried helping a younger couple with a toddler allowing them to come into our home, unfortunately that added more chaos and insanity…. After they move out ….my vehicle was vandalized….. I’ve asked if there was something I needed to know? Due to the fems behavior… But I don’t get answers…
Ur story seems some what like mine and that’s why I dared to reply to u! And I apologize if I shared amore in depth about my current situation I also noticed that we have new neighbors and as always he’s already familiar with them and I am yet to know her name….I’m loosing myself more
My bf of 11 months just broke up with me out of the blue. He said that we were too different, and we couldn’t see how we could make it work. I was shocked and devastated. 99% of our relationship was perfect, we got along great, laughed together, great sex. Then we had two bad weeks. We were short with each other, just not getting along. But the problems seemed so minor, I really thought we would get through them. I couldn’t understand how two bad weeks could erase so many happy months. It wasn’t until I pressed him that I realized he was in a depressive state. He said he can’t be the man I need him to be. He should just be alone. He apologized for not realizing this before we started the relationship. He told me I am an amazing woman, but that I should move on and find someone else. I am completely devastated.
We have talked quite a bit over text since the breakup, but I am not sure how to proceed. Do I cut off contact, or do continue to show him that I love an support him? I would be willing to get back together if he would be willing to go to therapy together and make some other lifestyle changes (more exercise, better diet, less drinking). Is that foolish of me? I understand that depression will always be a pert of our lives if we get back together, but I do think that he is worth it. And how long should I wait before I decide to move on? How long will it take him to realize what he wants, or come out from his depressive state? How do I know if he really thinks we are incompatible or that is just the depression talking?
Any advice appreciated!
Personally I would run as fast as you can. Go and find yourself a normal bloke. This road only leads to horror 🙁
This sounds exactly like my situation and all the questions you are asking are the questions I have too. Just move on honestly.. you will be happier. I am struggling with my fiancé who tells me he never wanted to be with me, never loved me and never wanted to ask me to marry him and that he only did it because he thought he should try. I am going crazy searching for answers as to how to heal this.. in the end I feel like I am just going to get hurt.
Take it from someone who has lived with a major depressive disorder wife for a VERY long time,
RUN and don’t look back. Everything happens for a reason and you are much better off for his leaving.
Thank for saying this. My DEXGF broke it off with me ater 5 1/2. She was diagnosed with GAD and depression in college after an existential breakdown . She was always negative about herself, her life and soon me.
At the end of our relationship she was super cold and indifferent. She wasnt sure if she loved me anymore and just left. I felt like she was a totally different person and not the angel I fell in love with.
Reading these stories has strengthened my resolve and honestly I am glad she broke it off. I know now that this would’ve been a re occurring cycle and ultimately unavoidable.
The gift of goodbye indeed.
Run like the wind. 11 months isn’t long. I invested 9 years and it’s been a lonely and repeating cycle.
Go now. Move on. He’s being honest. Hear him.
So many people in this nightmare. Relate to most of this. I’m struggling to cope with recent break with partner after 5 years together.He came from both parents alcohol dependent and one severely depressed who took own life. My partner drinks to escape from his own life long depression. I’m not certain whether he has sought treatment in past. If he did it wasn’t pursued. But he certainly did not during our time together. On occasions he would open up, generally under the influence. When I tried to get him to tell me more later on he would deny what he’d said often claiming illogically that it was to get me off his back and I was the depressed person. He could be abusive when drunk but I feel now that it was his inner voice talking to himself. On one or two occasions he even appeared to have assumed the voice/accent of his abusive father. A combination of family, health and employment problems resulted in his slow and painful withdrawal from our relationship. He retreated into a hobby ,(which became his sole income source after job loss) requiring uniform which he uses like a stage costume which allows him to become someone else and receive a lot of ego boosting. He was drinking most nights in the months prior to split. He appears to have lined up my successor a matter of weeks after the break. I knew about his difficult past and childhood from family but worried he has no one in his life now who does and he will still depend on me emotionally although he appears to have moved on. I only put up with some of it because I knew what he’d been through and because we went back a long way to our teen years. Still love him but can’t watch him suffer emotionally, damage physical health with alcohol and begin to damage me. I now suffer from anxiety symptoms. Worried he will become so ill he may need extreme treatment e.g ECT. But I’m hurting bitterly about possible new woman but I want to be a friend as I care deeply.
I think we both have a form of depression. I fell pregnant very quickly and become very hard to be around and my ex partner bottled it up. I had the baby and said some very very hurtful things which most people underhand considering I was depressed and living somewhere where I had no help with a new born. It’s been over a year and he still cannot forgive me for what I’ve said about his mum and I had never imagined a life where I’d not experience a family unit. My whole world is upside down but also joyful with my little girl. He says I ruined his life and cannot understand why I’m depressed as I was the hard 1. He isn’t very emotionally available but he did love me and done so so much for me. All very confusing
I haven’t realized how many people are going through the same thing. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and were already experiencing issues he makes me feel like it’s all my fault. He recently got his cdl to begin driving and his current job put him in a very stressful driving position where he doesn’t have experience in and it’s stressing him out, all he can talk about is work so whenever I bring up my day it somehow turns to his job, he can care less about my day at work or really me in general he says he loves me but blames me for his stress, whener I want to have a discussion about us or even attempt to address any clear tension it always gets brushed under the rug and never gets discussed leaving me really frustrated and if we do talk about anything it’s always what I’ve done in the past (like if said something rude a year ago) and it’s aggressive he always approaches every disagreement as If he’s annoyed, he’s erratic and doesn’t know how to talk to me, it’s to the point now where I just internalize my feelings and keep it moving I’ve found it futile to even attempt opening proper dialogue and really trying to understand each other. I cry so much in this relationship and I’m always trying to hide it because since he makes me feel like I add stress to his life what’s the point in even addressing anything that I feel is wrong in the relationship? My oppionis or concerns are not validated, he’s pretty selfish in every department of our relationship including intimacy, it’s really causing me a lot of anxiety and depression and I’m not sure if I can take it any longer. I’m trying really hard to understand him but I guess I don’t, and I’m starting to not want to either
Im the depressed one in the relationship and i seem to feel all of these issues, i dont tell my partner though because he doesnt have alot of patience and i have a fear of him thinking im full of issues and might dump me. At least i try to get help and try to improve my health so i can try to feel normal again. Its just hard to be alone on everything and keep secrets from my boyfriend. I just dont want to make him go through shit he doesnt need to. These are my issues, i dont want to put them on him. I often have running memories and thoughts about whats wrong with our relationship and constantly obsess and hurt. I randomly fantisize of picking up and leaving. I feel like he secretly doesnt love me and is planning to dump me. And i feel like if i shared any of these thoughts with him, he’ll forsure pick and leave. Ive in the past had random crying spells and feelings of despair and no hope , his only reaction to those few times is to get angry and frustrated with why i “chose to feel this way” or that i just need to “grow the f up and toughen up” which i try to do on my own its just hard sometimes. I feel alone and i feel like he would never have the patience for me
I’m in the same situation, my bfs little patience with me and erratic approach to “talking it out” has left me feeling alone depressed and super anxious consistently. Trying to even open up to him is futile at this point because since I’m somehow the additional asset to his stress I can’t really talk to him without feeling like all I’m doing is caking on more issues and besides my feelings aren’t validated and my sadness or depression isn’t enough for him to see reason with me or to even care. I’m in a situation where I’ve lost all options, I feel emotionally trapped but I also love him and don’t want to loose him, I’m starting to realize that sometimes love really isn’t enough your just not meant for that person is all I hope you find resolution and strengths within yourself to understand that we’re not alone we don’t need anyone to make us happy or have a fullfilling life someone out there can love you unconditionally and really get you.
I have come here as a last resort. I really don’t know what to do anymore as I truly and completely lost. I have been with my boyfriend (we are both 24) for almost 4 years now . The beginning of our relationship was beautiful everything was perfect but so are most relationships at the beginning. He was a sweet caring boy who loved me dearly. He was in medical school and I started seeing that he was not at all happy with what he was doing. he was failing classes and was heavily into smoking weed. Around the third year of our relationship he wanted to end things saying that he didn’t want it anymore because I had hooked up with a guy before i met him and that he couldn’t get over my past. We had a lot of issues that left unresolved because he was always unable to talk and communicate properly. For everything i say he used to say ‘oh right’ ‘okay then’ etc and it used to frustrate me beyond words because it led to so many resolved issues. he started showing signs of depression and i asked him if i could take him to see someone and his response was always ‘If i cant even talk to you, how do you expect me to talk to a complete stranger’. In the end however, when he had an anger outburst one night which let to a terrible accident (I was in the vehicle with him) he realized that he needed help. He went twice and stopped because he didn’t see a point in it. and he wasn’t doing any of the exercises that were given to him by the therapist. Ever since then every time something goes wrong he blames be for his state saying ‘you’re the one who f****d me up and you’re the reason I’m like this because you treated me like shit’. Despite all of this i always gave it 110% and tried to support his decisions. He decided he didn’t want to to medicine anymore so he quit and started interning at a company. He started doing a diploma and stopped that halfway too. Now he has started something completely new and he barely puts in effort. I stuck by him through all of this taking him to his appointments, taking the blame, registering him for his classes, sending out his CV, giving him positive words of encouragement but all of it went unappreciated to the point where I started feeling undervalued. It just kept getting worse and worse and i started to feel as if this relationship will ever work out. He can be very happy one second, and the next minute feel completely down. I couldn’t help him much because he would not talk to me and could not open up. Every time he gets depressed he smokes weed with his friends.
He was promised a permanent position but they keep postponing it which makes him frustrated with work and he takes all of that out on me. He would completely shut me out or lash out at me. Because he works late nights we rarely get ti talk and when i ask him to talk to me or texts me he tells me that he is sick of always investing his time on me and that he has no time to do anything for himself. So i asked him to take some time off and do whatever it is that he needed to do.
It was a week since we had talked and the pressure of the situation got to me immensely. I went out with my friends on a Friday and ended up kissing another guy. I am someone who would never even think about doing such a thing and I don’t know what came over me. All i know was that i was too upset, hurt and very angry.
He called me a repulsive bitch, a gutter slut and ended every sentence with ‘whore’. He told me that i ruined his life and all i do is screw him up more. He made me feel like I had a ton of issues that caused me to be a horrible girlfriend to him and called me Bipolar. He told me often that he constantly wishes that he was dead and that he was a waste of space. I always made sure he was my first priority and loved him more than anything. And he made me feel like I had to deal with him because I made him into what he is right now.
His parents don’t understand the severity of the situation and they are not fond of me either as I have had previous boyfriends etc. Initially when he broke up with me his mother also told me that her son never had any of these issues prior to this relationship and that it is all my fault. I was completely heartbroken the first time but i still gave him a chance thinking he will turn his life around but he never did. He claims that he has changed a lot of things about him but to be honest nothing much has changed.
While I am ashamed of what I did on Friday I took all the insults that he threw at me because I felt like I deserved it.
I really do love this boy but the hurt and turmoil he has put me through was terrible and it started reflecting on my work. I lost my relationship with a lot of my friends, family, religion etc. I was trying so hard to be happy but it was difficult with all that went on with my boyfriend. We had lost a lot of love in the relationship due to the constant bickering and arguing.
I tried my level best to support him through everything in life but now it has come to this and I am truly lost. He is not the person he used to be and I hate to think that i’m the one who did all this to him.
SAME SITUATION TO A TEE BESIDES THE KISSING SOMEONE. I DONT WANT ANY EXTRA PROBLEMS. BUT IN MY CASE WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 7 YRS AND APART 2 YRS. IT STARTED GETTING BAD ABOUT 1 1/2 YR AGO AND THE BLAMING STARTED. IM BECOMING NUMB, HE WONT GET HELP AND HE HAS DRAINED ME OF MY KINDNESS. IVE TRIED REALLY HARD TO MAKE SHIT WORK. IM READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL BEFORE I BECOME DEPRESS MYSELF
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It looks like he’s emotionally abusive and manipulative to you. I think you’ve given it your best. Now is a good time to walk away. No matter what you do, no one should treat you like that.
“I hate to think that i’m the one who did all this to him.”
What did you do? You did everything for him so he didn’t have to. When things didn’t work out, he could blame you. After all, you’re the one who did this, did that, for him.
Gia, this man in your life: he has no intention of changing for you or for anyone else.
He has isolated you from your friends, your religion, your family. Why? So he could control you.
Please think long and hard about this. Do you honestly wish to continue a relationship with this man, despite your love for him? If you do wish to continue to have this man in your life, be prepared for more of these same behaviors. ( Personally, I’d be saying “adios” without a backward glance.. and RUN for the hills as fast as I could. !!)
I think you might be in an abusive relationship, in addition to being with someone who is very depressed.(You have several comments that are classic abused partner responses/adaptations to abuse: no support network, self blame for the abuse).
I think you have given so much that you might qualify as enabling him to continue his bad behavior e.g. verbal abuse (name calling), blaming you for everything that is wrong, taking no responsibility for his own choices in life. The fact that his mother (MIL-lite) is blaming you too points to some kind of enmeshed or potentially emotionally incestuous relationship there.
You probably want to believe the person you love is better than the person he is behaving like. However, until you are no longer in his daily life, he will be able to use you to hide from the fact that he is the source of his own problems.
In my marriage, it took us being separated, him filing for divorce, AND me doing EVERYTHING perfectly in my independent life (going back to school for a major that will pay well, keeping house perfectly, never not cooking dinner/planning meals–all things he had complained about for years), in order for my husband to finally face his demons. This meant realizing past/ ongoing toxic family relationships had deformed and harmed his adult life).
Without me as a human shield, which he could also simultaneously blame for all his own disappointments, he grew up and out of his own depression. We did get back together and even though he is still depressed at times, he no longer blames me. He no longer uses contempt for others’ shortcomings to manage/avoid his own depression.
Like you, I had become isolated and put up with maltreatment, particularly contempt. It may be hard to admit that youre being emotionally abused, but this is what it sounds like to me.
I recommend a therapist for yourself, bc you cannot fix this person, and moreover, you need to learn why you choose to believe that you can, and try to do so at such a cost to your very self.
I’m not sure if it’s me or him.
He constantly tells me I stress him out, I don’t care about what I’m doing to him, I stop him from getting stuff done, I undermine him when he’s dealing with our daughter (I only ask him not to shout at her), that I don’t allow him to do anything and I don’t do anything but moan, give attitude and start arguments.
Within 1 1/2 years I’ve left my job and home, moved miles away so that we could have a family unit, became a mum for the 1st time, lost my second child, lost my mummy, planned my mummy’s funeral and dropped out of my uni course as I fell too far behind. I’ve only ever left our daughter once and that’s because I was in hospital. I stay at my mums most nights to get away from the situations but the council are evicting me so I can only hope they give me somewhere so I don’t have to go back to his full time.
He still lives in his flat, went on a lads holiday when our daughter was 3 months old, went out partying on nye, goes on drives with his friends, he’s laid hands on me, knealt on my stomach 7 days after having the emergency c-sec to get our daughter here safely, has helped his friends build things and gone places with them, he’s got all his family in the same area as him, I’ve paid for his van insurance, encouraged him to do stuff for himself and have even started sorting out mediation with his ex so that he can see his 7 year old son as I thought maybe he won’t be so angry if that got sorted.
I don’t feel depressed all the time but on occasion he’s left me feeling like I should just leave our daughter with him and kill myself. That it wouldn’t actually matter if I’m not here because he’s got people to help him with her.
When it’s just me and my daughter in my childhood home I feel peaceful but I look at her and feel like, as much as I’m a good mum in the way of raising her goes, I’ve already failed her because of how things are with her dad, that I’m not working or doing uni anymore and I’ve got her in a home that we’re being evicted from.
I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m scared of telling my DR in case I am a mum with mental health issues. I don’t want to be judge as a mum because of my emotions.
What you are going thru is tremendously hard. You need to take care of you and your child first. My depressed exboyfriend made me feel like harming myself too. Hearing you say it as well made me realize I have to tell you to find a way away from him. It is your best option for a fulfilled life!
I was aghast reading these. My husband does all of these.
When we met, I was working 32 hours per week and going to college full time. I had two young daughters from a previous marriage. He was single, also in college, and working 15 hours per week at the library. Over time, we moved in together, ans got married. He raised my daughters with me.
Because he was less than enthusiastic about school, we agreed that I would finish first, while he worked full time. When I graduated ten years ago, our son was seven months old.
I had an extremely difficult time finding a teaching job. It was early 2009, and the economic recession meant significantly fewer jobs were available. It was hard for me to get into schools and sub, too, with the baby. I had to find a sitter each time. Our other son was born in 2010. Although I continued to substitute and volunteer, teaching jobs were in short supply, especially for someone with no experience.
In 2016, when our son started kindergarten, I was finally fortunate enough to find a job. My husband continued to work full time. The entire eight years I chiefly stayed home with all of the kids, he periodically made me feel terrible for it. He said that I tricked him, and that I was not trying hard enough to find a job.
I am in my second year of teaching now, and this position requires me to attend online school to earn my master’s while I work. It pays significantly better than other positions in my area, so we agreed that I should take it.
My husband decided to attend online college, too, and continue to work full time. I assured him that we would support each other, and that I would take the kids and leave him with a quiet house any time he would like to do homework. He says that he doesn’t because “it’s not worth it.”
He has very angry outbursts at me. He tells me that I do not understand the stress he is going through at work. I have offered to listen, and he says that I cannot possibly understand. He says that I am selfish, and that my needs always come first. I ask him how I can change that, and he says that I cannot, and that’s just the way I am. He says that I am a “spoiled rich bitch that never had to work for anything.” I have been on food stamps twice, and I was a single mother when we met.
He blames me for everything. When I ask how I can change, he says that I can’t, that it’s my nature.
I feel horrible about myself. He does not care. I love him, and want him to be happy, but it feels impossible.
I would love for him to go enjoy a night out with friends, but he has none and does not want any. He does not talk to any of his family, although we moved where we currently live to be close to them.
I’m truly at a loss, and my self-worth has plummeted.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I landed on this website again (it’s a fantastic site) trying to find SOMETHING to show my husband so that hopefully he can see that he’s depressed – not because I’m a horrible wife, but because his brain chemistry is off and he needs help. He’s been through one other major depressive episode during our marriage right after our child was born and I almost left him then.
He currently swings between “You’re perfect, there’s nothing wrong with you,” to “If you would only do x, y, and z differently I wouldn’t feel like this. You’re so selfish!” I am getting to the end of my rope. The deeper he falls into depression, the more emotionally abusive he becomes. It sounds like your husband is also being emotionally abusive. Read up about emotional abuse – you’re not crazy. Get yourself some help. , learn how to set appropriate boundaries, detach from him to protect yourself.
It isn’t you, it’s him, and by staying with him you make it possible for him to remain the ugly and abusive and yes beneath it all depressed man that he is. He uses you to avoid dealing with his own emotional/psychological problems.
DO NOT kill yourself please! You are worth so much more than this and your daughter needs you. If she has only her father, she will grow up with devastating emotional and psychological harm. Find some resource to support you even if only a suicide hotline, because it is not you–it’s him!!!!!
I am dead from my partners overpowering ego and narcissism. Have lost everything. My life is meaningless. His life is all that matters. His obsessive interest in his writing and one book he is continually updating is all that gets focused on. His career his work is all that is focused on. I have been destroyed by these things. He has made me hate myself and try to kill myself several times. His ego is unbearable and I see no way out now that I am dependent upon him and isolated and have no friends or family left. He is an ogor a single minded narcissist bent on seeing me dead.
Leave. This person is not worth you’re. Find a job with housing or a shelter and start over.
Be Happy around him if it won’t get you hurt. Praise him and don’t feel hurt if it’s not returned. Love and its’ reflections usually don’t hurt a thing. If you can’t leave due to financial dependency, then maybe it will give you something besides negativity to rely on, even if it is only from you. If he has tight wraps on you and where you can go, it may loosen that up as well. Good luck!
Hi Mattie,
I met someone a while back, she was young beautiful and one night some how I became willing to let her stay in a suite with my boyfriend,his friend and self(long story) I believe u guys have the same name… She could have lied!
Hopefully you have made a concious decision and left… Men like that will only lead u down into a rabbits whole if not worse
Blessings