11 Relationship Traps of Depression

Relationship trap

Depression sets relationship traps for both partners. Everything can change quickly between two people, and it’s crucial to be able to spot these changes as soon as possible.

Here are 11 signs of the illness that seem perfectly designed to undo the bonds of closeness.

Humor, talking and doing things together, sharing special moments – they’re all gone.

In their place are avoidance, anger, blame and isolation.

Two Sides of Depression

Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side.

It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they’re feeling. The person they’re closest to takes the brunt of their anger. The first several symptoms in this list describe these behaviors.

On the passive side, the abuse is turned inward. It’s the depressed partner who’s the center of every problem. They’re self-absorbed to the point of losing the ability to relate to others in a realistic way.

Instead of denial and blaming everyone else for their pain, they focus on their own worthlessness, even to the point of thinking constantly of suicide as the only way out.

Many of these relationship traps converge and become all the more damaging through their combined impact. The specific behaviors can emerge in dozens of different ways, and here I’ve drawn partly on what I did when depressed. The experience could feel very different in your relationship.

The Relationship Traps

  1. Irritability.

    Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.

  2. Control.

    When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. Even the flow of spontaneous feeling in the family can be threatening. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they’re desperate to preserve. That order, however, is completely arbitrary and can vary from moment to moment, depending on their own feelings. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.

  3. Blame.

    The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ruining their lives and ignoring their needs. They keep lists of their grievances and obsess about the way they’re frustrated at every turn. Their partner is selfish and never tries to help. At work, they’re driving them crazy. Someone else is always at fault. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.

  4. Abuse.

    Contempt and rejection become common. There is rebuke in every glance. Dismissive remarks about their partner’s appearance and attempts at conversation become the norm. With verbal attacks, they try to manipulate partners into believing they’re the ones in need of help and cause them to question their own judgment. At social gatherings, the depressed partners can make cutting remarks and ignore their partners while engaging happily with everyone else. At the worst, verbal abuse can even escalate to physical attacks.

  5. Addiction/Escape.

    Trying to escape the pain of depression can lead to addictive behavior. Alcohol can dull all feeling. Drugs, pornography, affairs or fantasies of escaping to a new life can all provide temporary emotional highs and arousal to replace the despair or lack of deep feeling depression can cause. Real intimacy and relationship seem remote and disappear in the need to get away from the reality of the illness. The well partners can’t get through to them and can face angry denial that there’s anything wrong with them.

  6. Emotional Withdrawal.

    Suddenly a depressed partner can feel like they’re not there. Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life. Nothing seems to get through to them. It’s as if they’ve disappeared. A relationship becomes impossible when it’s all one way.

  7. Obsessive Thinking.

    It’s often called ruminating, but I prefer to call it obsessive thinking. That gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they’ve ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn’t make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person. They’re always close to the surface and provide reminders every day of how inadequate they are. These thoughts are a constant distraction from any effort to connect with a partner. They’re lost in these memories of everything they’ve ever done wrong and can never set right.

  8. Isolation.

    Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left. Even when not so desperate, they may want to do things alone that they used to do with their partners. They may work all the time and avoid the pressure of being with people. The well partner is deserted. There’s literally no one there to try to relate to.

  9. Indifference.

    Sometimes the sense of being overwhelmed or too despairing to face anyone is replaced by the inability to feel much of anything. The partner might say everything is fine, but there is no sense of real connection. Nothing stirs excitement. There’s no interest in sex. They may say they feel fine but have no interest in doing anything. They can be apparently quite sociable and at ease but can’t share anything deep or really make contact. Something is missing inside.

  10. Inability to Talk.

    Depression can be so deep that the desire to talk and communicate disappears. The partner might be content to sit and stare for hours. If asked what’s wrong or if they want anything, there’s little response. Or if they’re still active, they may just find it impossible to talk about the depression they’re experiencing. They may say they’re trying to spare their partners the turmoil they’re going through. Or they can feel there is something so monstrous in them that they dare not expose it to anyone close. Nothing inside can be exposed through words.

  11. Shame and Worthlessness.

    One of the hallmarks of depression is the overpowering sense of worthlessness. Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I’ve never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Everyone else may think I’m fine but they just don’t know what really goes on inside me. My partner couldn’t possibly love an idiot like me. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.

It’s hard to imagine a more complete inventory of weapons for destroying relationships. Even one or two would be like poison, but depression often brings them all together. They may not all occur within a single episode, but any of them can arrive without notice.

In future posts in this series, I’ll discuss how both partners can deal with these destructive changes and try to survive depression together.

How has depression affected your relationships? Have you watched a partner disappear in this illness, or have you been the depressed one imposing pain on your partner?

Image by pumpkinmook at Flickr

540 Responses to “11 Relationship Traps of Depression”

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  1. Dazed and Confused says:

    Holy Crap. I just went on to view this website and said “Sh*t, this is me….”. I have never posted anything like this before. I read all of the 11 traps and identified with almost all of them. I was just diagnosed as being Clinically Depressed. WTF is that? Now I think I understand that I do have a problem, haven’t started any kind of treatment yet, hopefully soon…………and…………. I really don’t want my marriage of 26 years to end. I really don’t. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Or am I just kidding myself that my wife will actually love me again? I feel it is all my fault all the time. I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is…………..

    • Mike says:

      Hi there. I’m going to talk to you from the other side of the fence. My wife was depressed for over a decade I stuck it out, first because I was hoping things would get better and she’d come back to me, but in the last few, I just stayed for the kids. At the end, I left. Even still, I wanted to find a way to go back to her and make it work, but despite her saying that she’d change, she didn’t and it wasn’t long that she reverted back into her angry, abusive patterns.

      The big thing that killed any hope for me was that she constantly rejected the idea that she needed help. She went to a bit of therapy, but always reluctantly, and she very soon stopped, because she thought she could pull herself up by her bootstraps. The tragic thing is that she works in healthcare and knows that mental health is a serious issue. She just didn’t think it applied to her.

      What I’m saying is, what killed it for me was the fact that we were in a cycle of things being bad for a long time, coming to a head, deciding to try to work on it and be nicer to each other (eventually, I took on a lot of these symptoms as well), and then falling back to crap again. I decided that if I was ever going to feel batter again, I had to leave the situation that was causing it, because I didn’t see the cycle ever ending.

      Now, how this applies to you: If I was able to see even a faint hope that she was willing to get serious help (therapy from a *professional*, not me or her girlfriends, and antidepressants), I would have stuck it out no matter what the heartache would have been in the interim. Maybe your wife feels this way, or maybe she’s too far gone. But if you really realize that you need help, and you’re willing to commit to it and not stop, maybe she’ll feel the same way.

      Depression is a horrible thing. I hope you can find a happier ending than I did. My best to you.

  2. RL says:

    This is the first time I’ve ever posted to any kind of forum but am at my wits end.

    Over the past year, ive experienced so much loss and it just keeps getting worse. I lost my dream job that had taken me years to get to, I’ve had to move in with an aunt and uncle (I’m 32 years old) because I have not been able to find long-term employment and live in an insanely expensive part of the country, and now may have lost the only person that has been with me through it all, my boyfriend.

    I’ve been severely, severely depressed since last September and I continue to downward spiral and I think he’s finally had enough. My extreme negativity and self-centerdness has finally pushed him to his breaking point. I’ve completely isolated myself from my friends because of what a disaster my life has become. They all have homes, are married, have kids, careers and my jealously has become palpable. All of his friends also have the same seemingly great, easy lives so I’ve become very bitter towards them as well. I’ve just become a very nasty, angry person who never appreciates anything I have until it’s taken away from me. He means the world to me and now, keeping with my pattern, I didn’t realize how much I love him and appreciate him until he may be gone. He’s asked for a break from communication this week but I feel like he’s pulling away and is going to officially end it soon. I don’t know how to come back from all this anymore. Nothing I do seems to help me out of this hole of misery. I’m in therapy but cannot take antidepressants because of the side affects I experience. I’m doing yoga and mindfullness daily but don’t feel any significant relief. Any advice would be very valuable. Thanks in advance.

    • Mike says:

      Stay in therapy. See if your doctors can look at a range of different antidepressants and choose one that has side effects that you can handle. A person I know who has bipolar, went through years of drug therapy for depression says that she tried them all, went through all the side effects, and has settled on lithium, which he says is the best one (and least side effects) he’s tried. Note: I’m not a doctor – just saying that there are options in medication. Keep trying! Best of luck to you.

    • Lou says:

      At least you realise your negativity, jealousy and anger, that is a very good starting point. The next thing to do is sort that out. After sorting that, maybe you can get back together, so long as you admit your faults and are seeking help for them, you may get another chance.
      In my case, I put up with dreadful behaviour for about 3 years, took verbal abuse etc, and it was finally enough, I had to get out of it. The upshot being that the psycho ex husband said his behaviour was all my doing! He became a severe mental case, eventually went to docs, got pills for depression, but all too late for me, he had destroyed all my love for him with the hateful things he said and shouted…..bye bye, I am worth more than this, and do not have to put up with it.
      Good luck to you

  3. L says:

    I’m experiencing all of these things, but without a partner. A year ago I was hit by a car and broke my leg. My recovery was going okay and around 9 months later I started talking to someone I’d previously dated. We were kind of seeing each other but he ended things with me to pursue another relationship, which was hard. But what pushed me over the edge was he told me I wasn’t worth it and then started posting pictures of him hiking with this other woman.

    In the same week he did that, I lost a job and my friend’s husband committed suicide.

    For months now, all I can think about is how he treated me and telling me I’m worthless. I feel worthless. I feel dead.

  4. Confused says:

    I cant help but feel depressed by my boyfriend sleeping with a TON of girls when we were on a break. how do i help get over this anger, frustration, sadness, insecurity, and feeling of worthlessness? Heartbroken </3

    • Lynn says:

      Hello, that is difficult – who suggested the break? If it was you, he may have been trying to raise his self esteem by sleeping with as many women as possible.

      You may or may not be fated to stay with him. One of the important factors is how he is handling your emotions. Is he being dismissive or supportive?

  5. c says:

    I’m severely depressed and my relationship is falling apart. He is amazing man and says he loves me and supports me but every time I feel low or don’t want sex he accuses me of cheating or that I don’t love him which is so so painful to hear cos I love him so much and do not cheat on him, I can’t think of sex at all why would I do with anyone else.
    It’s just hurts so much, one day he says he understands my pain and next day he doesn’t. That’s why now I will cut him out of my miserable life as obviously it’s hard for him to understand me and he deserves someone happy and healthy. I’m left now with no purpose to live and all I think is how to get out of this pain. I stopped my therapy too as there is no point of getting better anymore.

    • Cynthia says:

      All I can say is I understand. I (chronically depressed) was in a relationship with a man for ten years. He loved me like noone ever will again. I left him twice and we got back together. Then I left him a third time. I was in a similar situation as you seem to be. No libido. Totally out of touch with my own body and sexuality. He adjusted as best he could, toned down his sex drive. But I couldn’t bear the pressure. So I left him again. I still miss him, and it breaks my heart. … I often regret it. But I have to live with the consequences. I think we simply have to learn to face our pain and our demons – be it in a relationship or not. If you can no longer bear the relationship – leave, and don’t be too hard on yourself. It really is easier to focus on “your shit” when you’re alone. … All the best to you.

    • K says:

      C…please don’t cut him out of your life. I am the girlfriend of a depressed man and he is on the verge of cutting me out. I assume for reasons much like your own, but i despetately dont want that. I love him more than anything but i also struggle with understanding his depression and my own emotional responses to it. Together with our loved one we have to find a way. Your man does love you. I am sure of it because i love mine. Go back to therapy. Keep trying. You and your boyfriend are worth it, so worth it.

  6. K says:

    My mother is abusive to me. Currently I am jobless and 27. I just finished school. I used to work but quit to finish studying. I am preparing for job interviews. Since my father died one and a half year ago she turned on me. She verbally abuses me just like she used to do to my father. I can not leave the house due to financial constrains and I have a younger sibling. I don’t want the scene is repeated with him. I am expecting a job soon but I am depressed and it is hindering my ability to perform and succeed. How should I carry on?

    • Somebody who wants to understand says:

      I think you should get out of the house along with your sibling anyhow. Make sure you get a good job to support both of you and make him aware of the situation, convince him. There is no point in staying in something that is killing you slowly. You’ll have a motive to provide yourself and your sibling a better future…

  7. Annon says:

    This is my life. My husband is depressed but puts it back on me telling me I need help. Only notices the negatives. I can’t cope anymore. Don’t know what to do.

    • Mike says:

      This is perhaps the only website where I would say that reading the comments would be a helpful thing. Best of luck to you.

    • Anonymous says:

      Hi There, I wanted to let you know that I have been with my husband for 14 years and he suffers from depression. I can completely empathize and understand where you are coming from since I experience many things noted in this article. He isolates himself and blames me for everything that causes him to be depressed and angry. His depression comes out most when he is stressed or anxious but blames me and my faults. It’s very hard. My way of coping has been to ignore his hateful words and mood swings, especially since we have young children but this angers him more. Yet if I vocalize how I feel and my concerns, it validates how bad he thinks a situation is. I am lost on what to do and feel sometimes that our relationship is too damaged to stay together. I sincerely hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

      • Nicole says:

        I am going through the exact same thing. I have been with my husband 10 years now, we have 2 young boys, plus I have a teenage step son. It’s like walking on egg shells for everyone. I see my husband go through every single situation mentioned in this article on a regular basis. I am seeing this all too clearly now and have contacted a therapist for help. I know my husband can be great, b/c when he’s not experiencing any depressive things in his life he is absolutely amazing and strong. I love him to death and want our children to grow up happy and healthy so I know now is the time. I knew he was depressed for a long time but it has been getting a lot worse these last few months.

  8. Pooja says:

    I met my boyfriend 10 months ago. I was holidaying in France. We met drunk at a bar. One night stand sort of scene. We made love that night and he told me that I was the first girl he slept with since his divorce which was over two years ago. Anyway, I was on holiday and first time in France. I felt great. But I had to leave. So left and continued on my holiday. We kept in touch. We fell in love that night (I’ve been singkr for 7 years very happily I’m 31. I don’t believe in committments). He said he wants us to be together and that he will come to India for a month to see me. I find out he was in a marriage of 8 years with someone who was bipolar, abusive physically towards him and cheated on him for 8 years. I didn’t know he suffered from depression cause you know long distance. But he was the one super insistent on this relationship not me. He came down to India. Met my family and friends. The first week, he got paranoid about my friend and me and was nasty to me (he was drunk). I stuck by him. Few weeks later he was drunk and got paranoid that I was talking about him to my friend and was nasty to me again. I stuck by him. He went back to France and I was supposed to go in 4 months to see him and then probably get engaged. Emotionally I could never count on him to be there for me when shit went down. He never had anything to say if I asked for advice. But kept saying he loves me like no one else. A month ago he was coming out of one of his bouts. He doesn’t want to get help. I had just lost my job and my house and I called to tell him. He was drunk at a bar hardly caring. I got upset and told him to fuck off. He broke up with me. Stopped talking to me. A month later as I write now, I’m in France. I came to meet him. I met him last Saturday. At 5 pm. He’s been drinking since 9 am. When he saw me he started crying saying wtf have I done. Then he tells me he’s with someone else he met three weeks ago. He feels good with her. The day he broke up with me he quit his job too that he loved. He has no money cause he spends it on booze he has no house. Nothing. I told him I’ll stay with him for a week and help him with his alcohol he said no he’s with someone else now. We had sex. He cried saying he misses me. He’s a total mess. But he has totally pushed me out saying it’s over. One minute he loves me like anything next it’s nothing. I did everything for our relationship everything! And he just threw me away. The fact that his ex did all this to him and now he does it to me.
    Does he love me? How can he be with someone so soon when he hates everything! I’m alone in France now. How selfish can this disease be?!!!!

    • Mike says:

      Sounds like he has a drinking problem on top of whatever else he’s dealing with. You’re not in deep, so I’d say cut your losses, block him on all media and move on with your life. If you try to turn him into a project, he’s already shown you quite clearly what’s in store for you. It will be a cycle, and chances are it will keep repeating until one of you finishes it for good.

      • Pooja says:

        🙂 thank you! Though I keep hearing this from everyone around me it’s nice to hear it from a stranger. I’m guessing if you’re here, you’re either dealing with it or dealing with someone who’s dealing it with it. Thank you

  9. Diana says:

    My husband and I have been married for 5 months. We have been together for almost 5 years now. We have been long distance for the past 3 years (about 2.5 hours apart) because he is in residency, which was not really a problem for us before. Our plan was to move in together after he finished residency in June. (We assumed he would pass his boards and we would move out of state to Texas where he was accepted in a great position, but it is contingent on passing the boards.) A couple months after we got married he started intensely studying for his medical boards. While he was studying, he became pretty distant and had limited communications with me. I chalked it up to his studying and working his last year in residency until he e-mailed me that he was not happy and felt that I often snapped at him, I didn’t respect him or what he does, and things are not the same as before. I recognized what he said about the snapping and we talked and I said I would work on it, which I truly think I have gotten a lot better. However, since then, he has continued to keep his distance and appear uninterested. He has already taken his test (and is now waiting for results), and he still didn’t seem to want to see each other either. He doesn’t even talk about the test and just keeps saying he failed.

    We finally talked in person. He listed a bunch of issues that he has with me, and that he just feels so down. He thinks we are way too different and things he wants in a partner do not come naturally to me. Things that he has briefly mentioned in the past, but maybe I did not take seriously enough or think they would become deal breakers. I hear him loud and clear now, and will make changes, but I’m afraid he won’t give me a chance to do that. I also felt that once we move in together I can show him that I am changing. He also mentioned that he does not understand why he feels like this, but he is so down. He also feels that he needs to change too. He said a lot of confusing things–that he loves me but he just fell out of love with me. He still loves me, and kept saying that he wouldn’t be there to talk if he didn’t care. He said he wants to run away. He never thought we would be in this position. He also said he never imagined a day without me in his life, yet his actions and lack of communication says otherwise. When I suggested counseling, he said he doesn’t want to talk to anyone about his problems. He thinks that he can fix this on his own, but I feel we need to figure this out together and take a real shot at this. We are both scared. I think he is afraid that we try and he will still feel like this. At this point, I am even okay with a leave at my job so we can live together now, but he says not to it. (I think he is worried that I will give up a good job and what if we don’t work out.)

    I want to see him again and he usually only agrees to half a day (no sleepovers). On weekends, he retreats to his parents house in the country or works. When we do hang out, he seems to be a shell of the person I use to know. He seems empty with no emotion and doesn’t seem like he wants any physical contact, when he was the total opposite before. He barely laughs and usually does not pick up my phone calls. Again, opposite of what he use to be.

    To me, it seems so clear that my husband has depression as he has at least 8-9 of the symptoms above (He’s isolated himself and not talking to anyone; he is emotional detached; he’s convinced he failed an exam that he hasn’t received the results for yet; he seems to have a hard time talking or vocalizing his thoughts; he has blamed me for a lot of the problems in our relationship; he gets really irritated with family and coworkers; no interest in physical touch, etc.). But when I asked him once, he said “No, I still enjoy my job, so I’m not.” Ironically, he is a medical doctor. He mentioned to me that he believes he was depressed at one point during our relationship (after he came out of it), but he did not act as negatively towards me that time. And it may have been triggered because he did not get a very important work position.

    I want to give him space to think, but I am worried that all of this distance will only make things worse. It is so hard to try to fix things when we do not live together and we rarely talk on the phone anymore. I don’t want to push too hard, but I don’t want to give up. We had lengthy discussions pre marriage about how marriage is super important and we will work hard on it, but now he seems so quick to throw in the towel for things that I believe are fixable.

    I feel completely lost about what he is thinking and how to fix this. I’m sure he is really stressed out about his test results and I know he has been realllly tired/exhausted. He worked 4-5 weeks straight with no days off as he started picking up extra shifts on the weekend, which I wasn’t sure he was doing to avoid me. I just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I really want to work on this, but he’s not giving me a chance to do that or an explanation of what is really going on!

    I am so confused. I don’t know if he has legitimate serious doubts about us and our relationship, which caused him to be like this or if it really is the stress of his future or a combination of it all. I really love this man, and I am willing to ride this out with him regardless of how painful it is. I just need to know if he wants this too and he’s not just having this inner turmoil because he doesn’t know how to break up with me…

    • Patricia says:

      I am in the same boat. My fiance left a few years ago what was to be a temporary construction job. It turned into a full bout of depression. However, I was not sure what was going on. He went from being the most loving caring person to this total stranger. He made excuses not to come home, not answering phone calls or text. Ignoring me when he did come home. I was so confused. How could the man that loved me more than life slip away.
      Well as time went on i suffered depression myself and he could have cared less. Blamed me for the breakup and the reasons were so stupid that caused him he to walk away.He pushed family and friends away and now me.
      While doing some research on my on depression I realized that this was him. I explained to him that this was what going through. After some thought and time he did realize he was depression and suffered anxiety.
      He has tried meds none seem to work and he gave up.
      Fast forward to now. We still talk several times a week. He said he still loves me but does not know how to show it. I ask him to leave me alone and try to find himself and get help and he will not communicate for a few days and then will call or text.
      I get to hear my Jack every once in a while. The happiness the man I feel so deeply in love with. But then I hear the sadness in our next conversation.
      I helped my self get out of the depression caused by this break out. I went to therpy, Tried 7 different anti depressants. Went into the hospital and had a full breakdown. Its been 2 years since my depression started and 2 months since i stopped taken my medication.
      I am in a better place and now know it was never me. It was the 3rd person in our relationship. Depression…..that caused this breakup.
      As for Jack he said he is going to seek help again… 18 years i had with this man. The love of my life my happiness. I learned to move forward without him but it is so hard. I hope one day he will come back. As we both know we were meant to be…. I wish you luck and please do something to get help yourself. You need someone who you can speak with.

      • Alan says:

        I’ve so much to say and don’t know where to start. All this might be waffle but it’s a form of release as Ive struggled for years to express my true feelings by talking. My wife and I have been together 18 years on the 9 sept 2017. I love her dearly. When we met she was in her late 20’s with 2 children from a previous relationship. The father wasn’t interested so I became a father figure. We married a couple of years later and have 2 children of our own who are 16 and 12.
        I must admit when we had our own children the love I had for them was different which I know is wrong and struggled to hide. It makes me a bad person as well as the fathers of the children who walk away which I can’t believe they can do. Within a couple of months of meeting we visited my parents for the first time together. I become a different person when I visit them and struggle to show my true feelings and become amongst other things bolshy. I don’t know why but I feel embarrassment for some reason and become cold. Once we left she said to me ‘if that’s the real you I don’t want to know you’. Of course it’s not the real me i said,I just struggle in their company for some reason, I become a different person. The years moved on,I sold my flat and we bought our first house together. Unfortunately I lost a close friend at this time who was involved in a tragic water skiing accident when he was hit by the speedboat towing him which was driven by his wife who I introduced to him on a blind date 5 years earlier. I remember being in shock for a couple of days then moving on as I do. I remember being more upset about it approximately 2-3 years ago. We moved up the property ladder relatively quickly and by 2007 we were on to our(but probably mine) dream house in a prime location that I always wanted to live at. It needed a lot of work and we also extended it by creating 2 further bedrooms & bathrooms + utility room and double garage. Our mortgage was big but we managed and I even over payed when I had the opportunity. Then things changed in September 2009 … my wife had an affair. My world changed overnight the devastation it caused me was immense. She walked out of the house with our kids one Thursday night and moved in with him. I blamed myself to a degree and lost 2 stone in 6 weeks. I drank 1-2 bottles of wine a night to numb the pain and played music and listened to the words that I don’t usually do. 6-7 weeks passed before she changed her mind and came back. She struggled when she came back and openly admitted she missed him. Coming back had a lot to do with the kids. We decided to change things and concentrate on giving the kids a better life inc more holidays. This meant switching mortgage to partial interest only. We struggled on for 6 months together and then it came to a head again. She still had feelings for this guy and even talked to him about lending her some money to send one of the kids to private school. I was again hurt and told her it was best she went back to him. Things then improved for a couple of years and we moved again downsizing and giving the kids a better opportunity by going to a better school. The missing father also came back into the life of one of the kids and paid for her to finish her school life at private school. There was a bit of jealousy from my behalf that I hate. It reminds me of how I was when I was younger when 2 girlfriends broke my heart.
        During this time my wife’s mum sadly lost her battle with cancer(her dad died when she was 11) and her best friend was diagnosed with cancer which she bravely battled until the middle of last year. My wife had therapy every week for 6 months which helped her a lot get back on the right track. She told me some of the things she’s been working on with her therapist and said it might be an idea for me to visit someone as well. I didn’t understand why I would need to as I just deal with it and move on. I also had work worries all at the same time which resulted in a court battle that cost me a lot of money and an amazing amount of stress as there was a good possibility that I might have to sell the house. This upset my wife and rightly so as she was never able to grieve from loosing her mum. Then at the end of last year I lost my closest confidant since I was 8 years old again to cancer this terrible disease which was upsetting but again I move on and forget. This year I’ve coasted through doing the bare minimum at work and thanking my lucky stars that no disasters have happened as each week goes by. I only look back and try to remember the good times and wonder how I dealt with the bad. The intermacy has gone from our marriage in the last 5 months and we’ve become like brother and sister. I’m obviously not happy about this and have tried to introduce excitement in to our relationship over the years by going to swingers clubs together. We’ve never done anything but I enjoy feeling proud that she’s mine. I love her more than anything and always have even though she drives me mad sometimes. I still fancy the pants off of her but she’s been telling me for years that I’m a closed book and has now had enough and want to separate. I didn’t really understand what she meant by closed book and thought she might be right that we go our separate ways. I’m fed up being on this rollercoaster of emotion so just got it in my head I’m ready to move on. Saturday night I didn’t fancy staying in on my own again whilst my wife works so I told her I’m going to swingers club on my own. She told me it’s what I want and to enjoy it. I was a little nervous and was given a couple of opportunities and kissed a women but couldn’t do anymore as I felt awful, dirty and couldn’t get out fast enough. The reasons I’d wanted to go there were because I wanted to show my wife off not being there alone which was pointless and not what I wanted. I drove home at speed wrecked with guilt and disbelief I could of been so wrong in my desicion making. I love my wife and doing anything like that without her is beyond pointless. I met up with a friend on Sunday morning and he was telling me about the problems his wife has been hiding for the last 10 years. They all came to ahead recently when she had an affair and she’s been struggling coming to terms with it. She’s been visiting a therapist and I was told about how her problems have all suddenly come out that nobody was aware of until now. She’s been constantly fighting the feelings of worthlessness and doom for many years whilst hiding behind a happy face. The more I listened and the more questions I asked the more I thought this could be me. I came home and sat alone all afternoon trying to think back and understand myself. I wrote down a few things that came into my head about my thoughts relevant or not;
        Alcohol numbs pain
        Self destructive behaviour
        I deserve nothing
        Impending doom
        Restless
        I have so much inside that I can’t let out
        I feel very alone
        My head rules my heart
        Very up and very down
        I struggle to get excited
        Always awake very early
        Never feel like I’ve properly slept
        Angry inside
        Frustrated
        Things get on my nerves
        I feel like crying inside
        No energy
        It’s always my fault
        I struggle to know what right and wrong is
        People who know me best make me feel uncomfortable
        I feel poorly most of the time
        Do bare minimum at work
        I feel like I’m in denial
        I always look back and never forward
        I look back at bad years and know it’s going to happen again
        I’m a proud person.
        I don’t need help

        Seeing it in writing makes you think more so I did.
        Why did/do I feel so uncomfortable at my parents house when I first took my wife there? Answer : because I can’t be myself. Why can’t I be myself?. I don’t know!.
        I then start questioning myself, who am I. I’ve been doing a reasonably stressful job that is commission only where the average person lasts approximately 6 months. This was my last real chance of having a decent career 22 years ago and I’m still doing it. You have to sell yourself first no matter how you feel and tell people what they want to hear. It sounds callous but it’s not really as your only really giving people what they want. Some days I come home and don’t want to talk. I’ve known for years most people in industry have broken marriages/relationships and always been proud I’m different. I’ve painted pictures all day and want me time. I become a different person again but now struggling to know who I really am. I want to desperately be that happy person with a great family that I’ve been talking about but am I kidding myself. Writing down my feelings proves I’m not. My wife is write I am a closed book. Not that I have any real secrets to tell but in the way I don’t tell her how I feel. I tried last night but couldn’t get any words out. Where do I start….. my childhood.
        Just writing this helps and believe I do have a problem that I need to talk about. I will be seeing my doctor later today to discuss seeing a therapist. I don’t want medication knowing I have an addictive personality that grabs anything that makes me feel better. I desperately want my marriage to work but fear it’s too late. I’ve suggested marriage guidance as well to help but she’s not keen. I have to now be stronger than ever which i don’t know how I’m going to do as it just reinforces the lie that I’m living. What’s the point!

        • tata says:

          I hope that you read this Alan. Whether your marriage works out or not,it’s going to be ok. Whatever comes over you, it’s going to pass. Just keeps your faith in yourself and believe that things will get better. I’ll pray for you.

  10. Justmyluck says:

    Wow! Thank you for this blog John. My girlfriend exhibits all 10 of these signs. We’ve been dating 10 months and we have 2 teenage kids each. Things were great between us the first 8 months. We’d always gotten along great and it seemed like the perfect relationship.
    All of a sudden she became very distant and insisted that she needed to spend more time with her son. I found out from one of her friends that she had told her last boyfriend the same thing and had distanced herself from him too. I also found out there is a history of depression in her family.
    She would take things I said or did the wrong way and would go off on me. She keeps pushing me away and breaking up with me. When I don’t call or text her for a week she starts pulling me back in.
    We used to have a great sex life but haven’t been intimate in a couple months now. We barely kiss and it seems she doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. I’ve barely even seen her the last couple months because she never has time but she does things with her friends. She no longer tells me she loves me but she does talk about our future together. I’m very careful what I say to her because I never know when she will go off on me.
    I’m in love with her but I’m so confused and don’t know how much more of this I can take. She keeps telling me that she’s just going through some things and it will get better. To my knowledge she’s not taking any medication or seeing a doctor. Will it get better without professional help?

    • Mike says:

      It will not. She may have decided that she can “manage this on her own”. If you suggest she seek help, she may go off on you. Drugs alone won’t take care of it, nor will therapy alone. She’ll need both. If she tells you that she’s doing one or the other and everything’s fine now, don’t believe her unless you see marked and steady improvement. Otherwise, run. It’s hard, but you can find real love somewhere else with someone who won’t saddle you with this burden.

  11. Loskop says:

    I have been feeling like hell lately. for the past 18 years more like it. but this and last week ive been feeling it more than ever.. i never want to do anything, i just want to lay in bed, cry, smoke and sleep. i feel like i am ruining my relationship. my anxiety constantly tells me he hates me because im acting this way. i keep having violent outbursts of anger and frustration at anything. i feel im ruining the only good relatiopnship i have. i feel no need to live, i ruin everyones day and lives. i was not meant to be born.

    • E says:

      Please be kinder to yourself; you deserve kindness and love. You are suffering and don’t deserve to feel that way. Anxiety and depression are partners, both liars. You add value, you matter, have hope. Tell your relationship partner that you’re in pain and let them give you support. Find professional help if and when you can – even reading this page is already a step forward. You’re doing something to fight it! Have hope, you will prevail.

    • Dfad says:

      I’ve been feeling the exact same way for the last couple of years. It started when my mother passed away and has progressively gotten worse.

    • Mike says:

      With psychiatric treatment, you can get better. Go get treatment, and stick with it. You were meant to be born and you can be happy. Best of luck to you.

  12. Patricia says:

    I read so many stories from many others how depression ruined their relationship.I thought I was the only one. Let me start out. Me and my boyfriend were together for 18 years before the signs of his depression started to come out. He was the perfect boyfriend. So many people we jealous of our love. He was offered a construction job 2 hours away. Temporary or so I thought. The stress of going back and forth, paying bills and supporting his 2 grown children finally took a toll.He would not come home and we would just fight all the time. This was not typical of him. I cried and cried while he lashed out and blamed me. Now that I look back I realize the depression was creeping in. He was withdrawn distant and could not care less about us. I was in shock considering the love we had for each other. I was confused and all he did was blame me. He came home less and less and made excuses I then in turn ended up with depression for almost a year. I could go on and on but fast forward 2 years. He still lives 2 hours away and has every sympton of depression. He still continues to call a few times week. But shows no sign of every moving back home. He said he needs to find himself and he still loves me but does not know how to show me. He said when he is by me he gets anxiety. He keeps pulling me in and then pushing me back. He works as much as he can. I tell him over and over to leave me alone I need to move forward but refuses.He does not call for days then will call. I hear the sadness in his voice and I know he is a sick man and part of me feels quilty to walk away. I love what we had if was perfect but now. He is not a very nice man. He tells me of verbal fights he gets in with people, etc and the classic signs. I have read so much and realize that i am not alone in this. I have joined support groups and gone to therpy myself to fully understand his illness. The man who loved me more than life itself treated me like a princess for 18 years is now i strange with no feeling or emotions and is like a blank wall. I pray one day he will move forward with treatment but it is out of my hands. I have to look after myself. My children lost their Mom for a short while due to this situation.My own depression I fought my way out and I am very happy in my life. I know that this is a cruel disease that whips out relationship and families…It saddens me….

    • Linda says:

      Wow I know what u have been going thru, Im so sorry to hear how long u two have been together and how it is now, about a year ago my husband fell into depression after 36 years of marriage, we have had problems of him cheating in the past amoung other issues of everyday life, we over came that or I thought we had, we still live together and have 3 grown daughters and we have 7 grandchildren, I work 5 days a week, he draws disability so hes home more, at first I thought that might be the problem but then I see so much he needs to do around the house and yard, he could stay busy, but dont . He sits in the living room and watches the same t.v. shows that r reruns he watches over and over, if anything needs to get done around there I have to do it unless its just something I cant handle and then maybe he will step up. He has blamed me for some of his problems but for the most I am not, I have stood by him the good and the bad,,, Im not perfect by a long shot, I dont know how to handle his depression, he has gone to the dr. and now is on prozac which makes him not cry so much but zoned out. I try to talk to him and try to get him into doing some different things but no luck. If he isnt sitting in the chair staring at the tv hes asleep, I seen where u said then u got depressed well thats me, I feel like Im alone, he regrets the cheating and wrong things he has done in the past he feels guilty or when hes crying this is what he says. I seen ur post and it made me think I need to do more or move on, but im 55 years old our home is paid for we have family how can i just call it quits, Im lost and dont know what else to do. I have heard of people in the past say thats my soulmate, I feel like sometimes I never had a soulmate with the cheating, its happened 2 times that I know of, so really I dont know if there has been more times more than likley its more than twice, I have put it in the past and never bring it up unless hes attackting me verbally. Some of ur words touched home with me and I wanted to tell u I know how u feel. Its hard to have a partner and not really have them, Im so lost.

      • Patricia says:

        I know Linda. Its hard to give up on a man you have spent your whole life with. I am trying to move forward each day. Your husband has to help himself and so does my boyfriend. There are many options as for as meds. Prozac is just one. I know some people who have tried many before the found the right one. I tried 7 and finally found effexor which worked for me. I stopped taken 2 months ago but my depression was due to the breakup. I am fine now but still have a sad broken heart. I promised myself i would never slip into depression again.
        He needs to try therpy meds anything to help him out but he has to help self. You have family that what makes it worse than me. I found this site so helpful… I am sorry that you to go through this…..

    • Elle says:

      I have experienced the same as you – even the timelines are similar.
      I wouldn’t say that I became ‘depressed’ myself because of it, but I am heart-broken, and not nearly the same person I used to be having spent more than a year crying almost every day.
      It’s the old ‘in sickness and in health’ conundrum – you think you’ve signed up for that in any committed relationship and it sounds so reasonable.
      But What About when they blame you as the cause of the illness? Or when the illness supposedly prevents them from participating in the relationship in any meaningful way (no matter how much you compromise or lower your expectations)?
      I too lost the person I trusted most in the world, with whom I had a relationship that people used to admire, and what for almost anyone would have been a great life, with so much to be thankful for.
      He’s not the person I knew at all – and I feel terribly sorry for him because I know he is suffering. But he’s become capable of twisting things to the point of lies and manipulation, and can’t be reasoned with – adding nothing but more hurt and grief to my life, by letting me down time and time again, and then blaming me for causing more tension and difficulty for him, when I get upset about it.
      In his mind these days, our relationship was what was causing him to be unhappy – though he was no happier when he left it – and his depression now is a result of both that, and the sadness of not being in that relationship ; because he still refuses to participate, because he’s ‘not well and not coping’. Talk about creating your own catch-22 or self-fulfilling-prophecy!
      He is receiving very good treatment now, but he is getting better at a snails-pace with no real change in sight, and it is likely that too much damage has been done after already more than 18 months since he walked away.
      So I have now had to refuse any further contact in order to protect myself and to potentially move forward and regain the person I was. But I am so desperately sad for the family unit that has been destroyed, the split-parenting arrangement my children now know as normal, and the hope I had that things could be better again.
      I really did adore him, and we were a great team building a life together for so long – it was the last thing I or any of those closest to us expected when he left, and even after this long, still so very hard to let go and accept what is lost. Especially when despite all evidence to the contrary, he still tells me he loves me and that he is trying to get better in order to be able to return to ‘us’………….
      But a marriage/relationship doesn’t exist when one person has chosen to live separately for this long, and I have to remember that no matter how guilty or sympathetic I feel. Even when he says that I’m now the one ‘giving up / walking away’…… which btw, he actually really believes! Just so sad and twisted.

      • Anonymous says:

        I completely understand this. I have endured a very similar relationship with my husband for 14 years and we have children. At times it’s been better but whenever stress comes into our life it takes a hold of him – unhappy with his job, where we live, how our relationship changed with having kids, home renovations. And you are right it’s a complete catch 22 since any signs I show of unhappiness makes him angrier and more depressed and validates how awful our situation is. He refuses help. I tend to have a support network and he isolates himself. For years I have held things in but I am at a point that I can’t live this way anymore and our children can not either. He is self destructive and it’s not healthy. I care about him but there has been so much damage to our relationship. May I ask what the breaking point was to make you decide to seperate?

        • Elle says:

          He is the one who walked away – I am only avoiding contact now, which he previously wanted to maintain, in a small way, and all on his own terms.
          He’ll certainly tell people that I’ve given up and chosen separation though – despite the fact that he left to live separately over a year and a half ago….
          My advice is that if you feel you could be the one to choose separation now, then it might be better for you personally, to be the one to make that choice.

  13. Vik says:

    I’m struggling big time. My wife has been suffering with depression since i met her 10 years ago. I guess I’m partly to blame. My anger towards her lack if wanting to try and change things Is most likely making things worse. I love her to much and can’t bear too see her like this. She’s in denial and drinks a fair bit which always ends up in some sort of row. I always try to stay out of the way when she drinks because I know at some point I’m going to be on the end if some greif from her. It all came to a head this weekend. When I pushed her out if my way after she was up in my face with such aggression, i pushed her too hard and she ended up with bruising. I ended up being arrested and spending the night in police cell. No charges were brought. I feel truly terrible about what happened and probably won’t forgive myself ever. Even now she feels she’s done nothing wrong. I am bashing my head against a brick wall. I’m very strong mentally but I’m now feeling like giving up. I question my self constantly that I’m a bad person but no one else thinks I am. I can’t tell my family because I don’t want them thinking bad of
    her. I need to sort my anger towards her actions or lack of out but it’s only her that brings out my bad reactions. I really am struggling with this

    • Lou says:

      I think you need to seek help, go and see a doctor quickly. This is a similar situation to mine was. The husband WAS depressed, and became angry and aggressive. He said it was due to the wife’s problems. However, doctor confirmed that HE had depression, and as is written above, takes out all his hurt on the wife and blames her for everything, when she is the innocent party. Go and get help if you want to go back to normal, and if possible let your wife forgive you for your terrible behaviour. In my situation the loved and adored husband could not see it was him with the problem, and the wife had no alternative but to leave for her own safety. Good luck

    • Mike says:

      You need to leave her. You can’t sort your anger out while sitting in the middle of the stew that is causing it. Continue to pay her rent or whatever you feel obliged to do, but get away from her, and try if you can to limit your exposure to her to the phone, and at that no more than maybe three calls a week, each lasting less than an hour. Seriously, if you’re at this point where her rage is triggering similar responses in you, this isn’t going to get better. Go away, try and remember who you truly are, and ask yourself if you can be that person if you return to your abuser.

  14. Tracey says:

    My husband has most of those symptoms! We met 13 years ago and married 3 years ,we never celebrated one Anniversary he always hated me at those times! He was my best friend my life, we had our 1st child and then he lost his job that was 9years ago! The humours were so bad then the abuse started verbal and physical! 3 kids later and he is worse, he hates me with a passion it’s my fault! I’ve 3 kids and a full time job and a home to run and he complains I don’t care about him as he is in bed! My kids have seen him hit me and I feel guilty! I got called names all day or he just went to bed! He has told lies about me his family don’t even talk to me anymore or his friends but they don’t know what we have had to deal with! I started to feel so lonely and down now I’m on antidepressants just started a day ago! He left me 5 weeks ago and says he having a great time as a single man! I still get abuse from him In text or when he decides to see his kids which is very little time actually! He says he is the king and I’m the ugly pig! I know it’s all him and what he is feeling but I still live in hope he will change! My heart is broken in pieces this isn’t how I wanted it to end I stood bye him! I’ve no friends anymore I’ve my 3 kids! 💔

    • Lou says:

      You poor thing. Think of the situation as you are better off away from this horrible person. Rebuild your life as a mummy to your children. Maybe if he gets help, he will return to normal, and if he does not you will be fine with your children xx

  15. Kathy says:

    I have to admit, i fit the mold of most of these traits but what if a bad marriage really is creating my depression? I’ve been married for 1e years and with the only man I’ve ever been with for 20 and we have 3 boys. I’m 37. I have been depressed in my marriage for years and why I’ve stayed is commitment and vows. My relationship with my husband changed the moment we got married. Isolation, emotional abandonment, literally no communication from his side. We’ve had sex at most 15 times in 13 years. Slept in separate rooms for 4 save 1 one night stand that produced our youngest. Then I found my husband was taking large amounts of cash from the bank and not being forthcoming about financial information. I don’t think he’s cheating though. I’ve literally spent years trying to get him to open up and finally built the courage to give him an ultimatum. Divorce or marriage counciling. He refused marriage counciling. So I filed. He threatens to take the kids from me, and screw me over. There is so much more like I work 80-100 hr weeks up up to the day before my c-section. I kill myself and feel betrayed by the finances….especially since we make great money yet live like those who male less than half our income. The house is aways filthy, I feel completely overwhelmed in a loveless marriage that now has me afraid I’m going to lose my kids l. Bottom line is in exhibit nearly all these things you write about but my husband and family situation are the ONLY source of my depression. The longer I’m away from my husband I’m happy. The moment we interact I cry and get deeply depressed. What if I have a legit reason for my depression…..because I’m married to an unloving jerk?

    • Aaron says:

      Hi Kathy. Ive gone through a very similar situation. I was used, cheated on, neglected, all the above. I look back and that relationship has changed my whole life around. I’m more negative, critical, sad, depressed, and hopeless. She was the first one i ever truly loved. Contact me, I’d like to hear from you. Aaronrop [at] hotmail [dot] com

      • Frank says:

        I have this girlfriend. We have been together since 3 years and she suffers depression because of me. My friends talked really bad about her and she didn’t want me to be with them because friends don’t talk bad about your relationship just for envy. So, I had to leave my friends to be okay with my girlfriend. Now, every time she sees me with them it hurts her really bad because they weren’t good with her. There is obviusly more of this. I would really like someone to give me an advice because I don’t know what to do. I really love her, but she is so deppresed. Need help, please. (Not native english, sorry.)

    • whitepointer says:

      Sounds like your guy had narcissism and youre suffering from narcissistic abuse. They usually change the minute the rings on the finger or you co habitate. Telling you how he is enjoying the single life ect is heir MO to hurt you. Also threatening to take the children and destroy you financially is another red flag. They can and do do this because of the way they manipulate the victim/ court system. You have to be one step ahead of these people.

  16. No more says:

    So I got left on my own. That’s the reality of this depression. My ex boyfriend as I can’t call him a boyfriend anymore started acting odd in November. Really harsh at times and critical and saying he was lost but still holding it together. Said he wanted to move to abroad and was really cold to me. Suddenly January said he lost all feelings for me and knows he does not love me. The week before he was saying he loved my cuddling me then nothing. I spent Xmas day on my own, new year on my own, my birthday let me down last minute everyday as if he got some pleasure out of letting me down. The ring and text me constantly I want to be just friends. It was so so so so so horrible. A normal breakup isn’t as horrible as this. Dealing with a person with depression that blames u for everything, has such deep hatred for u and can feel nothing for u as if u are complete strangers is deeply painful. As humans tha capability to love, trust and remain constant are our goals in life. To be part of a part time fantasy of hatred is so destructive on the partner. We all deserve love and they are not capable or want to love properly maybe they don’t love us enough who knows. Save yourself from years of misery it will not get better. The next episode will happen in 5years again and the same again and again and again.

    I understand why people walk away. You see them differently and can’t love a monster.

    • Lou says:

      I totally agree, my ex became a monster, I tried my best to help, but it was all thrown back, twisted and turned into I had caused his depression!
      I felt enough was enough and bailed out. A year later he is still insane, has exhibited the aggressive behaviour with other people, but is apparently “So much better since I left”…Yeah right

  17. Dawn says:

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. I’m really in love with him, and he with me- we see a future together and talk about it often. He is 34 (6yrs older than me) and has a son from a previous marriage . He probably has 7/10 of the symptoms you listed here but he would not go to therapy and definitely wouldn’t be into meds. The truth is he stifles himself when he gets too heavy into his dark emotions. He owned a very successful business before we met but he closed it when he and his wife were ending their marriage. Now he’s starting to pull it together again but spiraled today when discussing finances (as per usual). He hasn’t had an easy life, for sure, and everyone has tried to help him. I truly am in love with this man but I don’t know what to do. Lately though he’s been feeling worthless and sometimes I feel concerned he would take his own life. Yet, when things are good they are AMAZING and it feels right in every way but every now and then when he spirals, it goes to shit and can get dark; it makes me question if being with him is the right choice. He just hasn’t been able to pull it together yet but I feel like he’s close. I’m seeking help.. what can I do to help him when he spirals or should I let him figure out his life on his own, like he says “he should do”, when he feels low?

    • tharun says:

      have you had any luck in dealing with the situation as i m in the same one too. Please eply if u can offer me some.

      • Dawn says:

        We’re trying to work thru it. Personally, I’m trying to stay positive because I love him and he’s my best friend. His family puts a lot of stress on him though, which effects our relationship and it really bothers me at times. Have you had any luck??

      • Dawn says:

        A perfect example is what literally just happened. My boyfriend and I really don’t like clubs but tonight is my best friends bday and she chose to have it at a club. Well he obviously knew about it for a week and said he was cool to go- I made it more about us having a good time together. Well we’ve been having such a wonderful week and then this morning I felt a weird vibe between us. He tells me he really doesn’t want to go tonight which I tell him I respect (although I was honestly disappointed). He comes to my house and is all in his head debating back and forth with himself if he’s going to go or not and finally tells me he’s going to go with me. All of the drama made me feel sick and so I went to rest in my room. He came in and ended up making himself so sick over this whole thing that he just left my place because his stomach was badly upset. So he got his wish, he didn’t have to go but now I’m going to drive 30 min to a club for my besties bday alone… is this something I’m going to have to get used to doing???

        • Heather says:

          Dawn,
          That is definitely something I struggled with in my last relationship with a depressed partner. They sound very similar our two. It’s so difficult to be torn between wanting to be supportive of what they need but also needing to honor your own needs. My partner ultimately ended up breaking things off with me and completely shutting me out 8 months ago, and looking back on it the thing I wish the most is that I had taken better care of my own needs. So I guess, as a woman who has been through a similar situation that would be my advice to you. Figure out what you need in a partner in your life, set your boundaries and stick to them. We can’t control how they are going to react to what is going on inside of them, but we can control honoring what we need in our lives and being realistic with ourselves about if in their depression they are capable of meeting those needs. The hardest decision i have had to fight with myself is setting a boundary in myself that I will not attempt to connect with him anymore unless he makes the first contact. He made it pretty clear I was no longer welcome in his life and i made the decision that I needed to honor that not only in myself that I deserve better but in the part of me that honors and still loves my former partner as something that he needs. It has been one of the hardest decisons I have had to make and I still think about him and miss him every day. But ultimately I think it is worth it. Because I do deserve someone who chooses to be in my life and wants me in theirs. As well if I pushed that boundary it would not be genuine for him. I hope this had helped a little!

  18. Scott says:

    I am so so thankful for finding this blog. John thank you. My wife has been suffering from chronic depression since her mid 20’s. 4 psychiatrists and 2 decades of medication later things finally burst a few weeks ago. I once again found myself in that same position of taking the full tidal wave of anger and hate that usually accompanies the ‘melt down’ .

    In the past she had threatened divorce (BTW she was a practicing attorney) but this time I think she is following through with it. I’ve asked her dozens if not hundreds of times to get back into counseling but each time I receive the standard answer. I don’t have a problem, I have anxiety issues not depression. You are the one with the problem. You just don’t understand me.

    She sees a psychiatrist once a year to get her scripts renewed which I feel is total unethical and irresponsible on the part of the doctor. My wife suffers from every one of the 10 points mentioned above. I’ve learned over the years to accept her condition. I stay active physically and have ‘friends’ that like to do things. I don’t even mind the total lack intimacy. I’ve been celibate for 1/2 our marriage. I guess I’m still a big believer in ‘duty’, ‘honor’ and ‘respect’, ‘for better or worse’ and this is just my ‘lot’ in life.

    My wife crossed a big line with me two weeks ago. If things do go south I’m not worried about myself. It’s my children (8 & 11) that I worry about and what affect a divorce will have on them.

    I’m not a quitter!

    I just want a normal life. I want somebody that doesn’t sleep 14 hrs a day, doesn’t ask ‘do you love’ dozens of times a week. Some one who doesn’t project themselves or isn’t paranoid all the time. Someone that can do things for themselves. Not yell and be angry all the time.

    • Mike says:

      Scott, you have my sympathy. A lot of your message reads like I could have written it myself.

      I’ve got no advice to give. You understand your situation and you’re on the path you have chosen. Best of luck to you, whichever way things turn.

      The only thing I can say is that I am a few years post-divorce. My kids were 12 & 9 when I finally made the decision to split. I wasn’t a quitter either, but then I was, and it was hard. I was also worried about what the split would do to them. However, my final decision was influenced by advice I was given, which was that if I left, I could give them an example of what a stable household could be like.

      This is possible because my ex and I have shared custody. But after leaving, my kids are in better mental health than they were when their parents were together.

    • Dave says:

      Scott – in the exact same position mate. Worst of all I have almost given up now on anything ever improving, nothing seems to pulls my wife out of the spiral. But just like you – I grin and soldier on. What worries me most is that somebody ‘normal’ will catch my eye, and I will find it hard to say no. I already suspect I will be shocked to find out that a relationship can actually be fun!

  19. Alice says:

    I’ve searched and searched, but haven’t been able to find a story like mine. My boyfriend and I started seeing each other in June 2015. He knew about my depression from the start, and when we first met, I was still grieving over a recent breakup, and just looking for support from friends. But he changed everything for me, we fell in love, and he moved in with me that September. My depression was nearly non-existent for the first time in 20 years. I was the best “me” I had been in a very long time. We were very happy, and honestly had no problems.

    But in May of last year, I started descending into a depressive episode. Because I had been feeling so well, I foolishly hadn’t gone to my last appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist, although I always take all my medications religiously. It took a while for me to admit there was a serious problem and make appointments, and since those are hard to come by, more time passed and I got worse.

    My psychiatrist and I started working with my meds, but it was the beginning of December before I really felt like I was in a place where I could push myself the rest of the way out of the episode. But depression is seductive, and feels strangely safe at times, so I was not yet trying as hard as I could’ve been. But four days before Christmas, my boyfriend said he was done.

    Before I talk about how I behaved during my episode, I want to say that he still loves me, he just isn’t in love with me. Due to financial circumstances, including me losing my job because of the episode, we are going to continue living together for the time being, and he will be paying the bills until I get a job. He is no way a mean or cruel person, and clearly cares about me a great deal. He also went with me to my last therapist appointment, and is going to the next one as well. We still get along as well as ever, and still hug each other a lot.

    I apparently wasn’t the “typical” depressed partner. I was a shadow of myself, sort of flatlined, and feeling a lot of the despair, hopelessness, and self-loathing of depression. I was also suffering the physical and cognitive fatigue and slowness. But while I was a black hole, I wasn’t mean. I never pushed him away. I didn’t sleep constantly, and I still helped with the housework as much as I could. I didn’t want to go out most of the times when he asked, and I didn’t leave the house by myself for the entire 6 months. But I interacted with friends on Facebook, and he and I still talked, were still intimate. He told me he missed his girlfriend, and I knew I wasn’t fully myself.

    He’s had to work a lot of hours due to our financial issues, he was dealing with an only partially there mate, waiting for something to happen so his divorce can proceed, and generally feeling like he had to handle everything. He isn’t the type to get stressed, he sees solutions instead of problems, but he got overwhelmed. I never lost sight of the part I played in causing his stress, and let him know often how guilty and terrible I felt about it. I would say it was my fault, and he would say no, it’s the depression’s fault.

    There were times when he got angry out of sheer frustration, but he handled it, and we didn’t fight, never put each other down. So when he told me that night he was finished, I was caught completely off guard. And that night is when I fully realized I needed to start working harder on getting well, and aside from not having a job, I’m back to the person I was before. But because of the depression, he doesn’t see me like he once did. He never wants to go through that again, and doesn’t trust me when I say in the future it won’t have time to take hold like it did this time, how I much prefer feeling well, and that being with him and having the wonderful relationship we had is the best motivation ever to fight as hard as I can.

    This man is everything I ever wanted in a partner. I’ll turn 40 this year, and it took me so long to find him. He agrees that I did nothing wrong, and I can’t accept that this will all end when I had such a mutually healthy relationship. I see so many stories from his side, people trying desperately to hold onto their partner despite the hell of depression, and here I am, being rejected despite the fact that I’ve gotten better. I’m just hoping that he will be able to tear down the wall he has put up in defense, and realize I’m the same woman he fell in love with.

    Thanks for reading.

    • Dave says:

      Wow, I also suffer deep depression, this is my story almost word for word. My wife has just left me after 20 years the woman I love and the last person I wanted to hurt the damage is done. Hope all works out in the end…….. Dave x

      • Alice says:

        Thank you. I feel there is still a possibility, but I’m simultaneously trying to prepare myself for the idea that I may be wrong. If there’s a chance for your marriage, I sincerely hope it will work out. If not, focus on taking care of yourself. That’s the only way to move forward, hard as it may be. <3

        Alice

    • Paul says:

      Hi this sounds awful and I am now in a similar position just came off my meds and cycling quite a bit. Doctors have decided I need to go back on but the damage these cycles do to my relationship is unbearable. The worst is when I am at my deepest I kick her out of my life (thankfully do not say it out but do feel anger towards her) but then I come back and want her. I wish I could leave depression/anxiety behind me once and for all as it means destroying what ever good things I have in my life.

  20. BTrink says:

    Hello.. I am not sure where to start.. I have had depression for a long time and I just “woke up” from an episode several weeks ago.. I believe I have lost the love of my life. I started dating a man when I was pregnant with my daughter, shortly after we started dating my child was born at 26 weeks and was in NICU for a long time. Because she was rushed to the NICU an hour and a half away I didn’t have that bonding experience with her. When she was released, she felt like a stranger to me.. then my mom passed away 2 months after my child’s release. My love was there every step of the way but I never grieved and the depression got worse and worse. Then I started seeing a therapist and he had me open boxes… that process worsened EVERYTHING and I shut him out.

  21. Krista says:

    Do I move on with my life? My best friend and boyfriend has suddenly decided he doesn’t know what he wants and can’t see how the future will play out. He struggles with depression and anxiety, but over the past few months I’ve seen sudden outbursts of anger and irritation. There are periods where he shuts down and talks to no one. A little over a week ago he decided he didn’t know what he wanted with our future anymore because he couldn’t see how the future should play out. He sees a psychologist sometime in the next week because his PCP feels that it might be bipolar depression.

    He did not talk to me for a week and I have him that time. I text him after a week letting him know I missed him and didn’t want to lose him. He did message back, but only more about a car accident he was in and how his brand new car (an impulse buy sports car) was totalled and the accident was his fault. That something bad was already written in stone for him. I let him know I was there and that I couldn’t fix it for him, but could walk through the storm with him. He said nothing the next day.

    My friend is telling me that if he’s not answering about our relationship by now then he wants it to be over, but the last time we talked he asked me to wait to see how he makes out with the pschycologist. Do I wait? Or is she right? Any advice would be appreciated.

    • Mike says:

      Well, my advice is generally this:

      If your partner is genuinely willing to seek therapy and make you a part of it, and if you’re really wanting to put in the same effort to see if things can be turned around, then why not give it a try? If there’s no real commitment from one side or the other towards wanting to work on this thing, then it’s really difficult to se how only one partner could make it work. It’s like pushing on a rope. If this is the case, I would suggest the non-depressed partner seriously consider how much they can take before they’re out. It’s amazing how insidiously the depression can spread to you without you even realizing it.

      One caveat: if his depression is taking the form of any kind of physical abuse, leave immediately. Emotional abuse is harder to quantify (even for the one on the receiving end), but if you see a bruise as a result of your partner’s actions, it’s a clear sign to walk and not turn back.

    • Danielle says:

      I think that is up to you. It sounds like you’ve done what any supportive person would say to someone getting drug along for the ride. You’ve let him know you are here for him which is all you can do at this point it seems. Does he have any other friends or family you could talk to that could also check in on him while he figures out his stuff and where your relationship lies? How long do you feel like you can wait is another factor which only you can answer. Mental illness is incredibly difficult. He may even be subconsciously pushing you away because he thinks you deserve better. If you feel like you want to wait through the psychologist, that is your choice alone to make but don’t allow yourself to be a doormat or unfairly dragged through things that could trigger bad feelings for you too. I dated a guy for 6 years with schizophrenia, anxiety and major depression and I’d have to hold him while he cried from voices in his head. It was heartbreaking. It got to the point where he had to stop going anywhere in public because if he heard anyone laughing, they assumed they were making fun of him. That was his illness, not a fact. He ended up passing away; nothing I could tell him about how loved, smart, and handsome he was worked. It sucks the illness kept him from seeing the truth. It was something I could only hold along for the ride, doing the best I knew how. If he would have pushed me away I’m not sure how I would have handled it, but you can’t force him to let you in. I’m sorry you’re going through this! If he gets better and comes back, that is wonderful but all you can do is trust your heart and just let him know you’re there if thats what you decide. I hope this helps even just getting a reply, I wish you the best.

    • Alice says:

      He may just need time to sort things out for himself. When you’re struggling with depression, you are by nature selfish, because you can’t see past what you’re going through, or your vision is clouded by the depression. If he’s seeing a therapist/psychologist, that’s a good sign. Hopefully they will be able to give him some tools to work with. Take care of yourself now, because you need to be well regardless of the outcome. That may be what he needs to do now too, as it is essential to focus on taking good care of yourself to get out of depression.

  22. Matthew J G says:

    This is just really accurate and really helpful. I live with a depressed spouse and the description of the way her depression quickly turns to irritability, blame, and withdrawal describes the situation extremely well. I still love my wife, but years of depression (and its associated irrational blame) has seriously endangered our relationship.

    • Danielle says:

      Has she sought professional help? If she has the side affects you mentioned, she may take offense to your suggestion. So if thats not an option, maybe suggest couples counseling that way it seems like a team issue and not just hers. Maybe once you start the couples counseling, some of her true issues will come to surface and she can find coping mechanisms that don’t make you the punching bag. You sound like you want it to work out despite everything, all you can do is try. If she refuses it all, its up to you what your next step is. I wish you the best!!

      • Anna says:

        I have been able to get my husband to see a therapist a couple of times over the years. One of them explained that he was clinically depressed. Now he just says, “well, I tried therapy and it didn’t work.” When I try to see if he will do couples counseling, he just says, “Oh, the therapist will just talk about how great you are and how it’s all my fault.”

        He exhibits virtually all of these symptoms. We got married 13 years ago and he has never held a full-time job since then. He started out with a bunch of cash from stocks he cashed in after working for a start-up company. He was unfairly pushed out of that firm due to a personality conflict with his manager, and he has never let that go. He points back to those events as the reason why no one will ever hire him again. Since then, rather than getting a job, he has just lived off that cash. I have literally begged him to find some kind of work — even volunteer work — to get him back into the swing of getting up at a normal time, going to work, etc. Nothing. I have been working ever since we’ve been married, often on multiple jobs or projects, and I have also authored three books. He takes credit for my work in public and in private, jabs t me for being the cause of all of his problems.

        As I write this, he is upstairs laying in bed after he spent nearly two hours telling me what a loser he is, how he can’t do anything and how this is my fault because he spent the last 12 years helping me with my career. I’ve really run out of patience. Last summer, I almost left. He talked me into staying. The prompt was yet another day of waking me up at 4 a.m. and spending four hours talking about how he got fired from his job (16 years ago), and how no one likes him, he’s a loser, etc. Over the years, I’ve learned not to say anything at all because even if I try to say something constructive, he turns on me and it ends up in a huge fight. Invariably, I’m a terrible, selfish person who doesn’t really care about him and only about myself.

        I think that I am now suffering from depression. My work has really suffered, and I had my worst year of earnings in my adult life last year. I feel like I spend a lot of my time trying to help him succeed or get a job, so I have no time to work myself. I have become increasingly irritated with him, I have little interest in sex and I have difficulty focusing. I’m starting to spend time thinking about my failures, something I never did before. I just don’t know what to do.

        • Anna says:

          I forgot to mention, now his cash has run out and we’re hugely in debt. This has just strained our marriage even further. I can’t see how we’ll get out of this debt if he can’t/won’t work and I am struggling in my career due to my own anxiety and depression. I’m a writer, and I’m just so emotionally off kilter or suffering from lethargy, likely from stress and depression or my inability to sleep well. I just can’t finish or accomplish anything.

          We also have began to drink a *lot* of wine, particularly in the evenings. I know that it is a coping mechanism for both of us. I have even drank during the day after verbally abuse spats. I know that it’s a bad way to manage my anxiety.

          I’m such a different person than I used to be. I was in track in high school and college, and I’ve run half marathons. Before we got married, I was into long-distance cycling, Up until about 2 1/2 years ago, I did Bikram yoga at least twice a week. I was always in great shape.

          I’m now 25 pounds overweight, constantly exhausted, irritable and I can’t even fathom going for a run. It seems completely beyond my ability.

          One of our agreements when we got married was that we would *never* discuss any problems with our marriage with anyone. Well, last summer, after his marathon session telling me how he was so worthless/why do people hate him/I should leave him/he loves me so much/we’ll soon be living in a trailer/I’m a selfish bitch/etc. It ended up in a huge spat.

          I had to get up to speak at a conference, and was picking someone up along the way. She asked what was wrong, and just burst into tears. For the first time, I told someone how lonely, anxious and depressed I was in my marriage and that I felt trapped. That morning, I just overwhelmed with despair.

          I ended up going home, telling that I wanted things to work out, but we needed to go to counseling together but that if he didn’t see the need for this, I had to leave. He ended up convincing me that the *real* problem was that I betrayed him by talking to someone outside our marriage. I ended up staying. But now he brings *that* up almost daily. Now he can’t respect me or trust me because I told a friend I was totally miserable. This just proves his loser/worthless mantra. Now he keeps saying, “Well, when you leave me” and “your second husband will be better.” It’s incredibly hurtful because I do really love him.

          Since then, I’ve wished every day that I’d had the strength to leave. I have had to start telling him that I am his wife, not a therapist. I can’t listen to his negative cycling anymore. It just makes me depressed. I am now in a “can’t do this/no one will hire me/I’ll never write another book” place. I’ve had suicidal thoughts myself.

          It’s funny because on the outside, I think people see me as this hugely successful person with what appears to be a great marriage. This makes it all worse because now I feel like a total fraud on top of everything else.

          We have no money, of course, so there’s no money for therapy. But we keep spending money so people don’t know we’re broke.

          Anyway, thank you for listening.

          • Feel Your Pain says:

            I will just say, that you are not alone. We love these people, but maybe we can love them but not have to in a relationship with them somehow. That’s my plan reading all of this. I don’t want this to go for the rest of life. You only live once!

          • Becky says:

            Anna, I think we have very similar situations! My husband doesn’t blame me for his failures, but if I make any comment that’s anything other than unicorns and rainbows, then I’m to blame for his black mood. His therapist has told him that I need to be able to make a reasonable expression without his taking it personally and then withdrawing, but he can’t seem to let it go.
            I’ve always been the breadwinner, and he stayed home with our kids when they were young. He started his own business but as he never put any energy into it, it wasn’t very successful. I also begged him to do volunteer work or just to do something to get out of the house. Finally he got a job, which is good, but he just can’t shake the depression. We have had two instances where he ran up debt and then lied to me about it, so this is not simply a function of tolerating his moods, he has actively misled and lied to me. And it’s not going to happen again. The first time this happened I was very active trying to get him back in a good frame of mind, to get him started on medication and treatment, and to get it under control. And then the same thing happened again, so it’s clear to me that for this to be really resolved he has to do the hard work with therapy and get it figured out – I can’t do it for him. He is very focused on himself and can’t see anything beyond that. He hardly talks to me anymore. And it’s not like I expect him to talk all the time about deep topics. How about bringing up something that is going on with the kids? Or his family? Or here’s a crazy idea, how about me? But all he can think about is himself.
            I’m considering asking him to leave as a trial separation. If all he can think about is himself, maybe he just needs to be by himself until he gets it figured out.

  23. Stephen says:

    Most of these points hit home perfectly for me. I live with my GF, and our 2 children. We have been together for around 2.5 years, when i met her she had a 5 year old daughter whom i consider to be my child now, her dad is no longer in the picture, and we just had a son about a year ago. When we met i had just moved to a different town and had gotten a different job, i have dealt with what i consider depression most of my life, constant nagging voice in the back of my head teling me im not good enough or telling me that so and so thinks this of you, the thoughts of suicide the whole nine. When her and i met i was virgin, she was my first and though she had a kid i obviously knew that she was not, but i found a list of all the guys that she had slept with and it is a very long list. This number of guys makes me feel very insecure to the point that when we even have sex all i can think about is her with someone else, i just want it to stop but i cant. She still talks to one guy as well and that just sets me off, if she mentions his name or anything to do with hm i just go into insecure mode and give her the cold shoulder. I ave nothing to do with her past and i dont know why i let it bother me so much but it is a daily thing that really eats at me, she knows that it bothers me. I just regret not having sex before i met her, i actually told her that the other day and it didnt seem to bother her at all. Also now since my son was born the sex is hard to come by and its very boring lay there and get it done before she falls asleep, that is what makes me feel the most insecure. I have tried bringing it up to her and she dances around it. Anyone else have this problem out there trying to deal with their partners sexual past and the regret of your lack of sexual partners??
    Prbly the biggest thing triggering my depresion is the fact that i lost my best friend to a work accident 4 years ago, he was more of a brother to me thatn my actual brother and i spent my whole life with him. Hes not around to be my person to talk to and there are just things i dont feel comfortable talking to my girlfriend about. When i drink it gets the worst and i get very emotional about it. I plan to try to find someone to talk to about all of this because something needs to be done, i have 2 children that depend on me to be the strong father figure in their lives and i am too big of a man to let this destroy their lives as well.

    • adrian says:

      leave her. she should not be talking to that guy. she should be the person you feel you can talk to

    • Danielle says:

      Have you sought help for your personal issues? It sounds like you could use the help of antidepressants and someone to talk to that will be a sounding board since you no longer have your best friend. Perhaps this will help you work through your insecurity and gain more confidence and be an even better father figure. I know loss of the one person you couldn’t stand to lose, I did the same as you…drink to cope. It was only a temporary way to make me feel better but the emotions drunken depression bring are not going to help. Its hard to accept that when alcohol becomes a crutch to deal with life but if you want to truly improve your life and your kid’s lives, I think its best to cut back. Find ways to hold yourself accountable like making goals to keep you from drinking; like if you get the urge, go for a run instead. Tell your kids you’re not going to drink anymore so that way the little eyes are watching and you have more than just yourself to be held accountable by. I’m not trying to preach, I’m literally working on this now so I am right there with you on navigating it. As for the girlfriend, you will have to try to move past her sexual history, or the sexual history of any woman you meet in the future should you and your girlfriend break up. I know its easier said than done, but the worrying about something you can’t change or control only brings you unhappiness and you deserve happiness and confidence. The hugest issue I see with the girlfriend is that she is absolutely taking advantage of you and disrespecting you in a blatant way. Not only does she know you are insecure about her talking to the guy, you sound like a good guy especially for stepping up to care for her child. When sex is nearly nonexistent in a relationship, when the other person is knowingly talking to another guy that sounds like an affair to me, especially because the thought of you with another woman didn’t phase her. Have you asked her face to face if theres something going on? It is relationship suicide for one person to disrespect the other by having other men taking the place of YOU even if its “just a friend”. Your needs come first because you are her man and baby’s father. I think first you need to work on yourself for your own chance at happiness and mental peace. And definitely give her an ultimatum…work on your family or keep talking to this dude? Then you’ll know where she stands, I absolutely think continuing to talk to someone else while not watering your own grass at home is damaging to all. Kids like to see their parents happy together, not distant. It gives them a healthier view on relationships for life and what to look for in a spouse. Overall, if she can’t respect you enough and the kids to work on the relationship, that’s on her and you deserve better. I hope this all makes sense, I relate a lot to your story and really hope you help yourself have a chance at happiness. The way I saw it was….this isn’t freaking working drinking the sorrow away and worsening my depression and it hasn’t worked for years so why am I continuing to make myself miserable?! I also had to realize the person I lost would not be proud of me or want me to continue living in misery over them, they’d want me to be happy and healthy. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity! It finally clicked for me. I hope to hear an update from you and hope I didn’t sound preachy, this is just what I’ve learned through trying to cope myself.

    • Courtney says:

      I am glad i found your comment because my husband’s sexual past has contributed to my depression and I cant seem to get over it. I used to be okay with it, not happy about it but it never consumed my mind and caused so much problems. This problem came up though because of hate for my job. I would listen to music every day and the music would remind me of things and then i would get super said thinking about him with his ex. I dont like music anymore either…i think if i would get out of this horrible job i might be able to get better and not be consumed by this pain and depression. In a way i want to seek a professional to talk to because i talk to my mom but she is kind of getting sick of me not trying to be positive. I dont know how a professional would help though because how can they help me get images and thoughts out of my head? It doesnt help that i know too much…mostly from things my husband or his friends have said about the past and it eats me away. I wish he had never told me, but i know he did so that there werent secrets in our relationship. A lot of things just make me cringe when i hear them because of things i know and do not want to. I wish i could just shut off my brain and go back to before this was a problem. If i knew how things would be for me today years ago, there are so many things i would do differently. I want to talk to him about it but when i have he gets annoyed and mad and tells me i need to stop and get over something that means nothing to him. But he doesnt understand the problem because he was my first everything…so he doesnt have someone before. I just wish i was the first because most everyone i know is with their first person and it just sucks. I just feel so alone in this feeling…which just adds to my depression and anxiety. I know the past doesnt matter…that he chose me…but its just hard. Its nice to know someone has the same problem as me…i just wish that was enough and that i could let this go.

  24. Crushed says:

    Wow there are a lot of others going through this too. It helps so much to read some of the comments to this great article. It describes me to a T. I pray to God that everyone finds peace and happiness soon. I strongly believe that my relationship, which only 2 1/2 months ago turned to marriage, has been the thing to destroy me and bring depression and anxiety into my life. Been together 6 1/2 yrs and through a lot!! Alcoholism, past hurts, addiction. We got through all that, but still the trust gets repeatedly broken (no cheating, just emotional trust), no connection, no touching (what touching there may be from him, hurts and burns me inside), lack of caring and understanding, criticizing and over-opinionating. Nothing I say, no matter how I say it is good enough. No ideas or attempts at casual conversation ever ends without a fight of who’s is better. We are great at projects and work, we can get anything done. But it’s like everything is about work at work (the same employer) and work at home. We live together, commute together, work together, eat meals together, chores together, spend off time together. All I want is space and he doesn’t think we need space and won’t give to me! He is self sufficient. He likes to cook, he does dishes, his laundry. I’m not needed for anything. 90% of the time because I don’t do it right or well enough. No intimacy since honeymoon and then 4 months before that.And the previous year-all rarities, months between! It’s not normal right? Before him I was slow to anger, always positive, eager and motivated. Over the last 6 years I have crumbled and now I am officially depressed. All friends and family think we are so happy and perfect together and I feel like I am writing inside with no one to talk to. I don’t want to make my family cry and I don’t want to burden and wine to my friends because it’s been like this for years. Thanks for giving me an out guys! Good luck to you all. God Bless

    • Danielle says:

      First you should seek some sort of counseling or medication for yourself! You can’t change someone else unless they want to but you can work on yourself and your happiness. Is he open to marriage counseling because the fact he belittles you on housework and neglects your sexual needs especially has newlyweds sounds like a 3rd party might be needed. It seems so strange that he doesn’t want to give you space but he also seems uninterested in supporting your wishes that your asking for while also not seeming to enjoy your company. Is he controlling? Spending all day every day with your spouse with no outside interests of your own sounds overwhelming! With my depression, I need space too but from my kids because I’m a stay at home mom and never get any second alone, even to use the restroom and also don’t have anything for myself outside of my home. I also understand hating the feeling of being a phony and living a lie when everyone thinks you’re so happy. It makes the isolation worse because there’s no one to tell the truth to.

      I see you said there is no cheating, and I don’t see how he would have time being that you’re together constantly…but has he mentioned why he doesn’t want to have sex? I really do not mean this offensive, but have you considered he may be gay? It seems like you’re living more as roommates than spouses is why I ask plus the lack of affection. I have a friend who went through this and had similar signs; his family expected him to marry a woman so he did. Does he watch porn instead of being with you because such a low sex drive for a willing woman seems off. It would hurt my feelings if my husband didn’t want to have sex with me so I feel like with the other put downs he dishes at you that is contributing to your self worth. Could he be depressed himself?! Just thinking out loud, sorry for all the questions. I also worry about the part about hurting and burning during the sex you do have doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Even if he hasn’t cheated it sounds like an underlying issue, maybe you should visit your gyno for a STD check or if theres some other issue thats causing you pain because that isn’t normal.

      The fact your entire personality has changed is concerning and sad. How has he not noticed or responded to your needs!? You don’t owe him the chance to tell you no on finding something healthy for yourself like a hobby or class that gives you some time away. You have to help your happiness too! You could even look into getting a different job where you won’t be surrounded by him and being belittled about who is better constantly. I am feeling for your situation and the fact you feel like you have no one to talk to. If you ever want to email me, danielle[dot] adair [at] go [dot] tarleton [dot] edu , the line is open. I really hope since this is a month old some positive changes have been made to help your depression. Remember your family doesn’t know the truth of everything, so you have to do what you have to do. If nothing changes, you shouldn’t have to live your life miserable and put down constantly.

  25. Katie says:

    I’m hoping someone who is depressed or with someone depressed can offer input…. I have been with someone for many years, he goes through 2-week to month-long “dark” phases. During this time, he isolates, watches TV non-stop, stops eating right or exercising, stops communicating and caring, etc.

    So… one of the things I’ve started doing when he completely stops talking to me is to remove the power cords from the TVs. I know it sounds bad, but I am tired of being ignored. I feel that TV is enabling him to escape from life and is doing him no good. He can watch up to 10 hours a day which is extremely unhealthy – especially for someone who is depressed–and I feel that it’s my duty to intervene.

    Just wondering if anyone thinks this is overboard or if it’s acceptable. I just want to snap him back into reality and I feel like his “drug” is TV.

    • Morgan says:

      I totally understand your frustration but I don’t think this is going to help. He could get extremely resentful and angry at what you’re doing.

      You can’t force another person to change because you don’t like how they behave, it’s got to come from them.

      Initially I would try and just TALK to him about it. Not in terms of “this is bad and you have to stop it” but more that you love him, how it’s distressing you and that you are concerned. It’s a conversation you need to have gently and without any threats or blame.

      Get some advice from a professional first on how to frame it, so you’ll be ready with whatever his response might be.

    • Danielle says:

      Does he dislike when he gets this way and want to change or comfortably numb? I hate myself when I get like this and want to be my best version of myself but I just can’t muster the strength or care to do anything. No one really did try to help me until I finally lost my crap and said “If we don’t do something now, I don’t know if I’ll make it much longer.” I’m working on a list of goals both short term and long term with improvements all around I’d like to make for myself but not so drastic its unachievable. Baby steps. You could try to approach it even when hes his usual self, maybe he would be more receptive. If he does want help, you will be the catalyst for helping him make positive suggestions in replacing his coping mechanisms like, instead of sitting around watching tv, ask him to go for a walk with you…fresh air is always helpful for me, or make his favorite semi healthy meal so he doesn’t fill up on junk, even just sitting with him to let him know you’re there (just suggestions, not sure what will work for you). If I’d had someone asking me to do this and that, instead of being allowed to lay in bed or drink every night, I wouldn’t have gotten as bad as I did. It was untreated for a long time, but I think a lot of it was because I was too scared to make a change because it would require effort I couldn’t make my brain muster stepping out of my box and actually doing something about it.
      I’m sorry you’re going through this! From your perspective, as someone watching your loved one go through it… I’ve was with someone for 6 years who was depressed, schizophrenic, etc. It got progressively worse. I’d have to hold him while he cried because the voices wouldn’t stop. I didn’t understand it, but it was heartbreaking. It got to the point where he wouldn’t go anywhere because if he heard laughter, it meant they were laughing at him. Mental illness is awful. Trying to make him see the light was difficult..he couldn’t see any good aspects in himself despite having plenty. He ultimately passed away and I still wonder what else I could have done but I did try and he knew I was there for him. Some people just want to make it stop. All you can do is try and offer support and resources.
      I feel like the cord thing is a little harsh, honestly, yet I totally understand where your heart is because you just want to help him life a healthy, productive life. On the bright side, there could be much much worse things he could be doing to get through it. Netflix binges would have been preferable to falling down drunk or the millions of other unhealthy ways I coped. I know you know that and you’re just feeling helpless and frustrated with the whole thing but this is at least something that isn’t amplifying it or super destructive, just some perspective.

      If he hasn’t gotten medicine or therapy thats definitely where to start. It may take a couple tries to get his medicine right, so don’t let that discourage you if that is the case. If you have access to his health care info, maybe you could do the research to find a reputable, thorough doctor and get the ball rolling so its one less daunting thing to do when he’s feeling like this, because nearly everything feels impossible. My sister did the doctor research for me and my husband made the appointment bc I also have anxiety and talking on the phone is not doable. I cried happy tears when I had an appointment because it meant I was having a chance to know what its like to wake up and just be normal. During my dark phases I wished people would ask how to help instead of doing nothing, but I honestly I didn’t tell anyone how bad it was in my head because I isolated myself.
      Also, I worry if you do the cord thing it would just cause anger and resentment toward you or make him worse or have longer lasting episodes or finding a worse way to deal. Just a thought.

      And you don’t have to do it alone, could you enlist another person he is close to and trusts to get him out of the house, go to a game…something to offer support. Once I came out with all my issues, I got a lot of support and felt hope. It was a little embarrassing because of the stigma, but honestly I just felt so ready to not be like that and get a diagnosis. Try to research more on the mind of a depressed person so you understand more what its like to be like this, it is crippling. I guess every case is different but my husband didn’t understand it so my depression was met with what I felt like him assuming I was just lazy because he didn’t get it. My brain created scenarios of him wishing he’d done life with someone else better than me who could handle stuff even though he never said that or implied it…I’d still be like “no one criticizes ME more than ME, I know I’m worthless, thanks though. Back in the hole I go..” Your bf may assume you hate him or have bad thoughts about him which is why he pulls away more.

      In the end, you can approach it and set it out there, but you can’t snap him out by force…you can try to facilitate things by offering support and empathy but he has to make a decision to get help and work toward positive changes. People not making me feel crazy was a nice touch. Maybe try to figure out his triggers as well to help him avoid them. Mine always hit hardest in November when my ex died, I started feeling it at the end of September …basically knowing “winter is coming” and not sure when it’d be over…I can’t avoid months clearly so I still don’t know what I’ll be like next year. Also my mom is very ill and it takes a toll on me watching her deteriorate. Anyway, I really hope you guys are successful; its hard on you and him. I hope to see an update because I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum and hope yall are able to find something that helps you both to be happier. Sorry for the novel!!

      • Katie says:

        Danielle (and Morgan) –

        Thank you so much for the reply. It’s pretty bizarre that you wrote this today because we’ve been doing so good lately but tonight it seems like he’s heading back down into his hole.
        He started therapy three weeks ago… he said he believes it’s just going to have to be a life-long necessity for him, which is great. I am very grateful that he is open and willing to go. It’s helpful for him to have someone else to talk to – the only other person he really talks to is his mom.

        ** FYI, from everything I’ve said, it sounds like my BF is some kind of weird, unhealthy, watch-TV-all-day basement dweller type of guy, but he is not at all. He’s got a good job, he’s athletic, you would never in a million years know that he is like this behind closed doors.

        Thank you for the suggestions. It’s a good reminder to treat him gently. It’s very tough for me to be gentle with him, because he really is SO unpleasant when he’s depressed. He doesn’t come off as this classic “depressed” person — sad or weak or in need of love and help…not at ALL. Instead, he comes off as grumpy, lazy, ice cold, unaffectionate and completely uninterested in me, quick to judge others and get annoyed with every little thing. I’m trying to learn that this is just his sensitivity and depression shining through.

        I am trying, but it can really be tough sometimes to look around and see other people having fun with their partner/spouse. I am so accustomed to his moods. It’s rough on the other person. It’s hard to not get resentful. He is worth it though.

        I appreciate you sharing your point of view, being the depressed one in the relationship. I think, for me, the main sentiment I always have for my guy is — as long as he is trying, I will be here for him. I understand that depression is real, and that it deeply affects a person physically and emotionally, but you still have to TRY. When they stop trying, then you can’t help them. It’s the difference between helping someone limp along -or- dragging a body, pure dead-weight.

        This is the issue he and I deal with. He gets to a point where he can’ see past his own nose, and it really breeds resentment… it feels like there is no space for me in this. I understand he needs my help, but so often my needs/wants are put on the back-burner. I feel like the forgotten person in this relationship. Or, when it’s really bad, he just gives up, just completely. That’s when it’s TV, bad food, no exercise, no contact with others, calling into work…etc.

        I do believe it’s very worth it when you’re with the right person. You are so right: baby steps.

        I hope you are feeling better also. I know depression is a never-ending struggle, but if you are making an effort and taking baby steps, you are on the right track. For my guy, Vitamin D-3 has been a huge help in the non-sunny months when we get so deficient in Vitamin D. And exercise is HUGE for his mood and anxiety… when he’s exercising daily, he is NOT DEPRESSED. I highly recommend both.

  26. Sonata says:

    My ex was diagnosed with depression and I went through with pretty much every relationship trap listed in this article. I had no idea what I got myself into as I never had exposure to anyone with depression before. You’d think since the depressives know this, they would have bothered to tell you what’s coming. Life’s too short for dealing with this, run!!

    • Katie says:

      I’m hoping someone who is depressed or with someone depressed can offer input…. I have been with someone for many years, he goes through 2-week to month-long “dark” phases. During this time, he isolates, watches TV non-stop, stops eating right or exercising, stops communicating and caring, etc.

      So… one of the things I’ve started doing when he completely stops talking to me is to remove the power cords from the TVs. I know it sounds bad, but I am tired of being ignored. I feel that TV is enabling him to escape from life and is doing him no good. He can watch up to 10 hours a day which is extremely unhealthy – especially for someone who is depressed–and I feel that it’s my duty to intervene.

      Just wondering if anyone thinks this is overboard or if it’s acceptable. I just want to snap him back into reality and I feel like his “drug” is TV.

  27. anthony s. says:

    hi all my wife and I got married this past October. wedding was great aND now back to real life. I unfortunately right before we got married was told that I would be moving to a new position a delivery the company I was in was being sold. my new position is for more money and alot more potential for additional money. after getting back from the honeymoon all the wedding bills came back aND pretty much all of the money we got from the wedding and the savings were used. afterms that my wife has gone into a severe depression blaming me for all and that she feels we are stuck where we are a delivery never going to have anything and that we will be poor. there is no rationalizing with her that better things are to come. she is becoming very angry and sometimesee violent because of it. she has called her parents nunerous times involving themy which has made me feel horrible. I love her with all my heart aND she is such a great person I’m not sure what to do. she has battled depression in the past aND is angry with me that she is going through it now because of me.

    she won’t go talk to anyoneach. she feels once money is coming in that she will be ok.

    any insight or help what to do would be greatly appreciated!

    thanks

    • Mike says:

      Don’t have kids with this woman until you’re absolutely sure that this isn’t going to be a recurring theme. Imagine having to deal constantly with these problems and having to figure out how to shield your children from it as well.

    • Rose says:

      Hi Anthony,

      I hope you ignore the other comment left below as it is a cruel perspective to have of someone that you love. Depression and anxiety can be very difficult to live with and sometimes almost impossible to control but your wife is still the same person you fell in love with and it is not her fault that she is ill or afflicted with depression. I myself have depression. Instability, especially in finance as well as many other stressful situations such as moving house and bad jobs have triggered my illness in the past. Hopefully she will begin to feel better once there is more security and routine with your finances. Another thing that can be very difficult is around the time of mentruation these feelings or outbursts can be completely impossible to control due to hormonal imbalances, it can exasperate any ossues that were there before. These outburst can leave me feeling extremely vunerable and defensive as it often will cause frustration in my partner and leave me feeling worthless and didsapointed in myself and scared that my partner will leave me. The best thing you can do for your partner is to remain calm, try and understand her point of view (don’t tell her she’s being irrational or crazy) , reassure her, tell her it will be fine, find a solution to the issue if possible, hold her, tell her you love her. The worst thing possible is to get angry at her and yell or isolate her. People who have low mood and anxiety can need constant reassurance and love to feel secure and stable. If things get really bad for a long period of time counselling can be a great solution. Just her talking to someone or you noth talking to someo e together can help sort through lots of emotions. I wish you the best of luck and a long happy life with your partner.

    • Mike says:

      Hello Anthony and hello Rose. Rose, I’m glad you have sought help for your difficulties. Your partner is lucky to have someone who is open to examining their own depression, willing to put in the effort to understand its triggers and work on what is undeniably a tough situation. I commend you. Many are not so lucky to be so self aware, and I wish you both the very best together.

      This brings me to Anthony’s message. Unfortunately, reading the body of it I see that his wife is:
      a) very angry and sometimes violent, and;
      b) Not willing to talk to anyone (I’m assuming that also includes her denying therapy).

      To love someone is a major emotional commitment for any person. Loving someone who has to deal with ongoing depression, even more so. Further still, loving someone who is dealing with depression, who is abusive toward you, and who is not willing to seek help is a desperate situation to have to live in. I know this very well, as this was my reality for well over a decade.

      Rose, I know that you are giving your best advice to Anthony, and I believe that your advice would work well for someone who was willing to put in the work and self-examination that you are putting into your relationship. However, I must disagree that remaining calm and seeing the other person’s point of view will fix anything in a situation where the other person is not willing to put in the same work. Specifically, I believe that although it is not her fault that she has depression, it is a very dangerous trap for Anthony to cling to that while he is being subjected to what sounds like ongoing emotional and physical abuse. Anthony, while it is true that her depression is likely what is causing her behaviour, this does not excuse it. You should remain aware that if you are ending up the target of her bad feelings, her depression is not your fault either. And if she isn’t willing to seek treatment or help, you should examine what options you may need to take in order to protect your own mental health. Google patterns of domestic and/or emotional abuse and see if they apply to you. Try to see if your wife will be willing to put in the kind of work that Rose alludes she has done. If so, you may have a shot of being able to grow through this together. If not, you should seek therapy on your own to determine what your best options are. Unfortunately, trying to “cure” a depressed person through love and understanding when they aren’t reciprocating is a one-way ticket to your own mental illness. And seriously – don’t consider kids as a ‘fix’ to this without sorting the other stuff out. That will just lock you further into a negative pattern that you may never get out of.

      My best to you both.

      • Mike says:

        Oh, and just to clarify, I do not condone getting upset or yelling at your partner as an alternative to remaining calm. However, if you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling a “fight or flight” response, i.e, severe anxiety as a result of an ongoing pattern of negative behaviour that’s being directed at you, leaving the situation is always a preferable alternative to responding in kind. Don’t feel that you must stay and just silently take the other person’s abuse without responding. It doesn’t help the other person and it just drags your own mental state down another notch.

        • Maureen says:

          Mike, you are 100% about a partner’s depression dragging down your own mental state. My husband has had the behaviors on the list to a tee for the past 2 years. After 25 years of marriage it’s hard to think of life without him, but if this doesn’t start to improve, I’m realizing that I need to save myself. We do have kids and I’m realizing the impact it’s had on them. It scares me to think what an example I’m setting for them by taking all this emotional and verbal abuse and not doing anything about it. My husband was a wonderful man, but I feel like there is a stranger inside now. Once in a great while I’ll get a few hours or sometimes a whole day with the loving man I’ve known for decades, but 99% of the time I have to deal with this cruel, jealous, bitter person. It’s exhausting and I’m always needing to tiptoe around and be afraid to say anything, so to not set him off, because there is no knowing what can set him off. It really sucks on both sides.

        • Sarah says:

          Mike, so glad I came across your post which sums up my situation so well.
          I have been feeling incredibly guilty and confused about ending things with the man I loved.
          His behaviour has provoked the fear or flight response in me and I have berated my self for acting in anger and instinctively even though I know that it was in all fairness the right thing to do for me. To walk away for my own health.
          It is evident that he has suffered with episodes of depression throughout his life. Its like being in a relationship with two people.
          There is the loving , affectionate, funny charming man that I have shared great times and memories with, then the withdrawn, uncaring, selfish, disinterested and detached person that cant or wont communicate and pushes me away.
          This is a negative cycle. For almost 2 years. Periods of happiness and fulfilment and then I am blindsided. He disappears, withdraws, cuts me off and on a couple of occasions has disappeared completely for weeks/months. Yesterday he loved me and we were making plans. Today he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship or can do a relationship and pushes me away 🙁
          Ordinarily I am a confident and secure person but this has made me anxious and vulnerable. I am in constant fear of losing the man I love. I feel rejected, unwanted and have lost confidence in a relationship that has been and no doubt always will be clouded with uncertainty.
          He knows he does it.We have discussed it. He has done it in previous relationships but he doesn’t do enough to manage it. Instead he seems to settle. This is how he is, its almost like sabotage or self harm. I am apparently better off without him. He doesn’t fight for the relationship, its all going to end in failure anyway, this is what happens to him after all. This pains me because I see the good in him. He seems to just give up.

          I have tried so hard to support him but this has been detrimental to my own well bring because I began to walk on egg shells , to avoid conflict and to always put his needs before mine in fear that he could not cope or that he would disappear again.

          I know he has low moods so I always look out for him. I put him first but no one is putting me first and now this has effected my own mental health.

          I would also add here that its hard not to take it personally. When someone acts this way its easy to interpret as simply selfish , uncaring, effortless or non committal. Is this depression or am I wasting my time with someone who just doesn’t care enough?

          Its confusing. But this is what the partner goes through

          So a few weeks ago, his mood appeared to dip. This was for no apparent reason although I think with hindsight the signs were there. Started to isolate himself, spend less time with me, become distant, less affectionate , non communicative and then disappeared for a few days. Didn’t respond to my calls or messages. Finally when he did contact me, he sent me a text to say that he was sorry but that he needed some time out , to decide what he wanted, to straighten his thoughts, to think about things, to have time on his own. Same pattern.

          This time I said no more. I wanted him out of my life. I was angry and tired.

          I have not heard from him since.

          I love him. I am heartbroken, I feel bad but I cant do this every few months.

          I have doubted myself, my decision, my reasoning etc. Its exhausting.

          But I suppose that someone has to look after me now ;(

          • Mike says:

            I’m very sorry to hear this, Sarah. I was heartbroken as well when I finally ended things. There are no winners in a situation like this. You will doubt yourself in many ways. But if my own experience is any gauge, after you have spent some time away from the constant pressure, you will begin to remember what it’s like to breathe without holding every other breath in fearful anticipation of what might be directed your way. You might find that, even though you love him, you realize that life without him is the only reasonable way to move forward, devastating though it may be.

            I wish you the best. I also wish your husband the best. I am almost 4 years past my breakup. Looking back, it has been a slow but sure road to my own recovery, and my decision was also ultimately positive for both my ex-wife and myself.

    • Danielle says:

      I just wanted to say I’m sorry. My husband stresses about money and always wants bigger and better which in turn stresses me out and makes me anxious. I wish he would just realize we’re still newlyweds and not everyone is going to be bankin’ their first few years together. Its about building the nest together and going along for the ride in my eyes. I’m so sorry for the blame she’s putting on you when you sound loving and like you’re doing your best. I’ve never heard of depression involving so much anger, its usually more apathy and isolation…could it be more bipolar? I’m sorry she doesn’t want to get help, please don’t blame yourself. I don’t think mental illness just magically goes away with acquiring more money. Sure stress is caused by not being able to pay your bills but if she thinks shes going to magically snap out of it by the time you’re doing better financially that sounds a little delusional. If you have to endure years of this, you’re likely to become depressed yourself or at the very least have resentment toward her for what she is going through. Can you talk to a therapist so at least you’re able to get coping mechanisms? Or can you discuss this with her parents to see if they can talk to her and get help? Its a bit immature to call her parents to involve them in your financial business and marriage when you’re doing your best. I’m not trying to dog on her, I know mental illness is NOT a choice but she’s choosing to remain the same instead of working on her issues for your sake. In the end, the way she is treating you because of money is wrong….and just causing you more grief. In marriage you either win together or lose together because you’re a team. There are worse things in the world than being poor for a few years. Do you have anything you can sell? Sorry if this wasn’t helpful, my heart hurts for you! I hope things get better.

  28. Veronika says:

    I was just told by my husband that he is tired of me. Am miserable, tired, rude and have no filter. We haven’t had sex in 4 months. He says he thinks I am disgusted by him and that his friends ask him why be with me if am so miserable. I know am not the easiest person to get along with and I say it how it is but I admit I am depressed. This whole article is me and an even more scared and alone. He is willing to go to counseling after I told him I will go after our blow up because I see it is me and he says he wants to talk and say his side which I thought he did. We have young kids, am resentful of a lot and need help to let go but am scared and am making myself sick. Already lost 5 lbs but is it because I want to be free or because am scared to get divorced? I can’t seem to function or sleep or eat. Will Meds work?

  29. Kerry says:

    I was with a wonderful, sweet guy for 8 months until last week. He suffers with depression. At first he said it was anxiety (that he takes his medication for) but turns out it’s depression. He told me from the beginning that he’s very affected by the people around him and their emotional states dictate his. I could see he probably suffered with depression as he lives in a basement apartment with no natural light, smokes in his bedroom (add in to that an habitual weed addiction) and slept until 1pm each day (he was a late night server until three weeks ago) but he was so happy and in love since we met (we were each others longest relationships, and he often said he was scared of losing me and that he’s never been this far). One thing that was a massive elephant in the room was the fact we only had sex twice. He has intimacy issues and anxiety resulting in his being ashamed of his performance. I tried to assure him it would just get better if we kept trying. He wouldn’t try though and resulted in my crying in front of him three weeks ago and saying some things about the lack of sex I really could have kept to myself.

    We had an amazing summer but about a month ago he lost some shifts at work, his uncle died, he was so tired with an extra job he took on and of course he wouldn’t stop smoking or drinking. Then last week, after a week of an alarming lack of contact than usual (we spoke every day and had constant supportive and loving things to say to each other) he finished with me. He said he had come as far as he could and wasn’t going to be able to give me the things I needed (sex, and I’m assuming he meant kids and marriage – which if he’d have asked me, aren’t as important as being in love with a wonderful human like him). He knew he would have to work on himself to get better but this was something he doesn’t have the strength to do, as hard work results in disappointment as I would just leave him anyway as he’s not worthy and has fear of abandonment. His mother died when he was young and he places a lot of his sadness on that moment.
    Do these guys ever get better and come back? He said I was the love of his life!

    • Vikram says:

      I know how it feels, my childhood was a mess too..my mother suffered from cancer for many years and i spent nearly all my childhood in hospitals..she died when i was 16 17 guess and idk maybe that was the reason i am who i am today depressed,lonely and overly matured..i am contantly afraid that i will lose everyone close to me or they’ll leave me. I had been with this girl who left me for some guy and that kinda triggered more depression in me..i work hard, taking care of my father,doing engineering (electrical) trying to do anything to try to cope up with it but idk why things never been good..now i am even scared of talking to girls or asking them out because deep down i know they will leave me..i dont drink,smoke or do anything..i try to change my life but…idk what should i do, being in such a country like india where no female wanna be with a depressed guy where they want action fun romance in relationship while i am not capable of providing them with but loyalty and insecurity. I wish i wasnt born in this world, i try to act as i am okay and talk casually with people to fit in or else they will simply ignore me (like they do in past).
      And to really answer your question : i dont know maybe not, sometimes i feel like we are born like this maybe we dont deserve happiness but someone told me once that a man is not suppose to look for happiness and put his expectations high..but should have the courage to face it.

  30. Tomás says:

    This is absolutely correct!

    I have endured a depressed partner for 5 years while I was working alone on the relationship. I did what I could to help and, in the end, I was “dumped” (in a matter of hours with no previous warning).

    I was already very unhappy but kept helping this person in hopes of being happier in the future, while I was doing this, this selfish person (in particular) was devising a plan to “escape” all responsibility while being “accommodated” in the relationship.

    She was not only wasting my time and deceiving me, but she was deceiving herself, above all.

    In short, if you are dating and investing in a depressed person who isn’t willing to get better and also give YOU what you need, the sooner you leave the better!

    Just don’t do it to yourself, especially for someone who doesn’t prove deserving.

    Care for yourself and demand that the one you are spending your life with cares for you as well.

    I promise your life will be much better once you acknowledge this. (which is easier said than done).

    The one who took too long to acknowledge it.

    • Cilla says:

      This sounds a bit like my life I recently was in a relationship, he left me a week ago. We were in a relationship for four years and each year it was the same pattern he would waste six months out of the year in trying to get back with me and succeeded each time.within the six months he knew what he wanted he knew he wanted a future with me and we planned things out from getting married to buying a house to getting cars but when he came down to it we never did those things because out of nowhere I always felt as if he was trying to be with someone else or just cop out because he didn’t know what he wanted ( mind you these are my thoughts as I’m going through this ). And each year within the six months out of nowhere he didn’t know what he wanted and that he needed to seek God. And that’s when he would get his things and leave. He would disappear without hearing from him at all for 3 1/2 months and out of nowhere I start getting calls or Texts even trying to communicate with me through social media to try to get my attention and to rekindle our relationship. Well this year we tried again going on five months and just last week out of nowhere he wanted to get up and go as well again . He also was planning to escape the relationship while being accommodated in the relationship, being deceiving trying to find apartment before he left the relationship making sure his tracks were covered , I also believe that he had sent three letters on a different occasion to himself saying things like she is not the one for you leave her she is not your queen open your eyes she’s not who you think she is. Deep down inside I believe those three letters were made up by him just because of certain evidence that I saw. At the same time I can’t believe that a depressed person can do that type of thing, mind you I don’t know the illness very well only what I’ve read through social media and a book called depression fall out . All in all the more he kept saying he was depressed and just thoughts were coming in and out of his mind ,of course not explaining what kind of thoughts and me not knowing what depression truly is I started reading into it. He has all the signs of depression every single one of them and I came to realize this man was never doing me wrong but that he has an illness that I never understood and he never spoke to me about. Within these past five months 3 1/2 of them were amazing he was himself on the fourth month I started noticing change and kept my composure on not saying things nor nitpicking at anything that I saw that was wrong doing in my eyes. When he would snap at me I really thought that I was saying something wrong or doing something wrong and he did that throughout our whole entire relationship with The four years so I totally thought he was right and would go to the next room and pray a bit and came back to the same room as he was in and speak to him as if he never said anything wrong to me. In our last month of our five months which was a week ago I started reading into depression and realized he was healed yet again when I realize this I started talking positive to him telling him I would be there for him that what was going on and why the bad thoughts and that we should seek help for him. I never mentioned to him that I knew he had an illness because honestly I still wasn’t sure myself. After all this when he decided to get up and get his things AGAIN and leave my life a week ago it was my chance to find me express myself on how I saw him. I told him that he has a serious depression illness and that he needed to seek help and get on meds as I’m telling him this he looked Nam he looked as if he wanted to cry but no tears came out he stood there and listened but it looked as if my words were going one ear and out the other. Indian and before he walked out we gave each other a hug and it wasn’t a hug to where I will miss you or not even a friendly hug the hug was a cold hug. I know he loves me very much and I can feel it and see it as well that he doesn’t want to leave me but that something else is making him Leave .
      Thank you for writing your story it helped

  31. Shannon says:

    This is an amazing article and absolutely rings true. I suffered with long term post-partum depression after the birth of my second child, which lasted 1-2 years before I figured out what my problem was and I am a nurse! I was ashamed and embarrassed, but finally admitted that I needed help. Unfortunately, my marriage suffered irreparable damage during that time. I believe that my spouse became depressed over time as well and our relationship suffered and died a slow painful death full of painful and hurtful consequences that could have been avoided. I hope this article helps those suffering. Please realize there are differences in depression between men and women. Please realize that if you are concerned about depression in a significant person in your life that you sit down in a quite private setting and have a truly heartfelt meaningful conversation about the issue and be knowledgeable about the signs and symptoms and what help is available. I wish the best to anyone reading this article and the comments.

  32. Kate says:

    I have fallen into these same traps. Problem is that in the past ive never been a depressed person. My marriage is depressing me. Ive been with my husband for 20 years and for at least a decade of it he’s isolated himself. No friends no hobbies no interest in spending time with me. No friendship. Ive lived like a single mom of 3 living my own life without him because he refuses to engage. Ive felt abandoned emotionally, and physically. We’ve slept in different room for 3 years. Prior to that if wed have sex he’d take care of himself and leace me and i’d cry myself to sleep. Its chipped at me slowly. I de ided to ask for separation and hes threatened to take tge kids from me and jamb up his job and make me pay child support. Ive worked 80-100 hr work weeks wearing myself down and the burden of not being around the kids has me depressed. He wont pock up the slack. He refuses counciling, spends like crazy on idk what. Takes cash withdrawals. Anyway, lits more but basically ive tried to work on our relationship for years and hes never taken me seriously. Ive become depressed, angry and i lash out. I say nasty things i would never previously say. Im just so hurt. In this case the depression didnt come first. It csme after years of our relationship breaking me down and i could no longer cope. I feel trapped. I know if we amicably split my depression would heal. Nothing else in my life depresses me. he never cared and he never will and im stuck and afraid for myself.

    • Mauo says:

      You can do it, just save yourself, live is short, show your kids what a strong person you are… Give them good exsmple what a strong person is… Hugs!!

  33. Kerri says:

    Hi I’m kind of at a loss here and would appreciate some advice I was in a short relationship with my daughters father the domestic violence was horrific emotionally and physically he left me feeling worthless to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed felt I had nothing to live for I had to take anti depressants it was awful a yr later a very attractive guy who was 6yrs younger than me pursued me until I give in I knew what he was about from the start and I knew he had a reputation and would end up breaking my heart but it was the right decision he brought my back from the hell told me I was beautiful I felt alive again he was proud to walk down the rd holding hands with me I couldn’t believe how lucky I was we were together 2 yrs he did cheat and my first instincts were right I’m over him I don’t care that he left for someone else I’ll always love him for what he did for me my confidence shines though I’m happy I feel attractive I get asked out and a lot of looks from men I enjoy my children and spending time with friends and life isn’t always great but for a long time I’m happy anyway I’ve been single for around a ur now I wasn’t looking to meet anyone I got talking to a guy online whose 8 yrs older than me he’s 44 I’m 36 I was more curious than anything I’ve never been out with an older man so we got together it’s just been over a month now we haven’t rushed anything I stay at his he stays at mine we talk everyday it’s nice like I said I’ve only known him a short while so I don’t know him properly the last couple of weeks he’s been snappy for no reason sending me horrible texts just basically disrespecting me for no reason it’s confusing I told him after everything I’ve been through I won’t b treated that way he’s apologised every time but it happens again he finally told me that he’s losing his home due to financial problems he’s just really stressed I can understand that and I’ve offered to help him in anyway I can but he is still taking his problems out on me I finished with him four days ago I am really not sure whether he’s stressed depressed an abuser even a secret narcissistic!!! Because of my past experiences I turnt my back on him straight away I cannot allow myself to get close to someone like that again now I feel bad I never give him the chance I abandoned him I deleted his no and that was that and I’m not making excuses for him swearing and calling me names I used to make every excuse under the sun for my ex and this is not the same maybe I could of just hung around a few more weeks through his bad times I’m feeling really guilty and worrying about him but if he’s not depressed and lashing out because I’m the closest person to him and I go to him and he’s another person like my ex I’m just putting myself through all that pain again I’m really agonising over this any opinions I’d b really grateful for thanks x

  34. james says:

    I been married for 7 years, in that time I encouraged my wife to study, she had no money and I paid for her to get a degree..mainly because I wanted her to pursue her dreams. In that time she was studying wd fell pregnant – she told me she did not know how ovulation works..i was besides myself as I had just quit my job to start a business and she was in her first year of home study! I told her we should have an abortion because we not ready however I agreed to have children. 5 years later we are happy but have noticed a pattern our relationship. We hardly fight – the only time we fight is when I “slip” up and express my frustration eg: I was trying to find the plug to wash dishes, she had moved it and I asked to please just keep it in a visible place. Her reaction was that moody (I don’t often complain but felt I was bow being punished)

    We ended up having a big fight in front of our 4 year old – basically blaming me for not falling pregnant again as our first child I wanted an abortion (even though I admit I over reacted at the time). She tried to walk away from me and I told her we need to talk. She pushed me and I pushed her into bed and held her down telling her to calm down, I was angry as I could not communicate with her. Our son saw this he was crying and Ed proceeded to have a screaming match.

    I feel like I can’t challenge her and tip toe around her and be on good behavior. If I get a bit frustrated with something I have to be very careful how I come across.

    I feel suicidal, she tells me she is depressed but wd now had a huge fight in front our child. It only just happened a couple hours ago..they sleeping in sons room now and I am afraid that our child is going to be traumatized.

    I don’t fee like going to church anymore with her , we helped at Sunday school. I help around the house, wash dishes, clean..i dont think I am selfish. I feel like I have tried to be a supportive person and a good husband father but I don’t feel I can be open and honest and be human in front of her. I don’t expect her to be perfect..but I feel she expects me to be perfect.

    We just bought a house in both our names with a mortgage of 25 years. We waiting for it be finalized and I am afraid to spend the rest I my life with her.

    We had a huge fight just before we fell pregnant 5 years ago. I was going to divorce her then as it was the same situation. When we discovered we were pregnant I decided to do my best and do the “right” thing and stay. I feel like she planned the pregnancy as she told me that she is ugly and was a plan to trap me in marriage. I could be wrong but what girl does not know about her ovulation cycle? Could it be that she did not know about it or am I naive?

    Do I continue with this marriage, go through with transfer and buy house? If we divorced it means we eill be separated and i’d have my son to grow up in a divorced family.

    I am feeling suicidal now as I am a failure. I don’t drink or smoke and tried my best to be supportive in every way. What is the solution. Please help me. I am all alone and I am considering jumping off a build?g on Monday. I had a work associate whole killed himself a couple years ago due to depression.. he jumped off a building and I know how to get to the roof. I am not depressed I just feel hopeless in this relationship. I can’t bear facing the fact that our marriage has failed. I told my son to never be like me. He was crying in my arms and we just hugged. I am sad.

    • Anthony says:

      Hey man I’m sorry and feel for you . I feel the same way you do , i am in a relationship, I saved this girl from her abuse and she is wonderful but fuck my depression is killing me. I was in the army, I grew up in a shit hole for emotional support. Shooters heroin at 16 so I can feel loved or angry some type of emotion. I don’t know what to do but don’t kill yourself . Please email me or something. I don’t know y you hit me so hard but you did.

      • James says:

        Thanks for your response..

        I had a major fight with my wife last week..I saw that article online and it resonated with me..my wife has agreed to go to counseling which I hope will help..I felt like killing myself last week as it was really hard for me to deal with her. We have a son and I’d hate to have him grow up in a divorced home..which is not always a bad thing but having a mom and dad around would be better. Things are better now but I fear that we will have this type of argument again in the future. I hope you are doing ok? Its really hard to communicate with my wife without her getting moody. Life is tough but I feel a lot better now after giving her space..I think its important to have as much support from as many people as possible.

        • Danielle says:

          I hope you are still with us. I am the one who is horribly depressed causing all the problems and nitpicking every move he makes. This spoke to me. Our 3 year old (unplanned, but greatly loved) is starting to understand more and more. Please tell me you guys are doing better. Divorce is better than suicide. Going between parents will be better for him than only having a (possibly) depressed mother with a father who killed himself. I know this even in my state. I realize this is a few months old, but I hope you respond. I want to get better and not affect my husband the way your wife’s behavior has eaten at you. I pick him apart because I know that I am the weaker link. I don’t know why, maybe so he will leave me because he deserves better? That is what your wife was doing, you aren’t awful or undeserving of love. It breaks my heart that you told your son to not be like you! Your son should be like you, you have clearly been trying desperately to do what is best for everyone. You are his idol, I guarantee. I pray yall are getting better and nothing sudden has happened. I have literally never commented on something like this but for some reason, this article and comment spoke to me.

    • Mike says:

      HeyJames. I hope you didn’t jump. Your son wouldn’t want that. You know what else kids don’t like? Being in a house where the tension is so heavy you could cut it with a knife. Divorce sucks, and yes, it does take a toll on everyone involved, but being several years away from it (I felt depressed and if not suicidal, I was wondering about it), I can tell you that the freedom from that misery was better for my kids than staying in it and trying to make like everything was OK. Kids are smart – they can intuit that there’s something wrong even when they don’t know all the facts. Failed marriages happen, and it makes you feel like crap, but if you hang in there for long enough, you start feeling like yourself again. If you go that route, don’t think of it as failure – think of it as a new beginning for your son. Oh, and make sure you can get shared custody.

      • James says:

        I didnt jump but have been comtemplating it..I really want our marriage to work and my wife has so many issues. She is going for help lets hope and pray that it gets better. God life is hard. I appreciate your response.

        • Flor says:

          James. I know how you feel. God life is hard. I have thought of suicide also but will not do it. I know it’s a trick of the devil. I’m so glad your wife is going to counseling. My husband and i are struggling too but we are committed to making it work. I’ve hung in so long through so much nonsense, i wad the strong one. Was… now I’m just barely hanging on, but God always does something to strengthen me. Hsmg in there
          Don’t give up. The Lord is real and he hears the cries of his people.

        • Vikram says:

          James we are all with you buddy..if you feel like you can talk to us. Much love bro, life is hard but we are harder.

  35. Steve says:

    Hello,

    First of all i want to say im so glad I found this page with everybody stories, i can relate to them so much!!

    I have just recently just broke up with my girlfriend who i was with for almost a year. I am 22 years old and my ex is 19 years old. We met in college and instantly I fell in love. Early on in the relationship she kept telling me i would get bored of her and i would leave. She told me that she had secrets that i could never find out! Obviously i was very curious what the secret was because i really cared for her. After time of me questioning her she opened up slightly and told me she suffered from depression & anxiety but that was all i got. I didnt’t quite understand the extent of how bad it was until further into the relationship…

    It was only until about 3 months into the relationship that i found out she had been self harming. Every time we got close to making love she would stop me from doing anything to her, any time i got close she would freak out and stop me. This caused a few arguments over time but i just accepted that she wasent ready for sex. One time i was rubbing her leg and i felt some scabs right in her inner thigh, she was so comfortable she didnt realise i was feeling them. Instantly it came into my mind that she had been self harming. I was shocked but not 100 per cent sure it was so i didnt say anything to her then. After she left it was constantly on my mind, wether i was overthinking or it was actually true. After a few days passed i couldn’t take it, i had to confront her and ask because it was eating me up. I confronted her and she admitted she had been cutting herself. I literally begged her to promise me she wouldn’t do it again but she wouldnt agree but she did agree if i asked in the future she would be honest if she had or not. I asked if her parents knew, she said that years ago it was alot worse and this was the first time she done it in months. Her parents were aware in the past and got her counciling but they thought as she got older that she stopped doing it. This left me in an awkward position because i was the only person who knew she been hurting herself, i felt so sad that she feels the need to do this instead of just opening up and talking with someone. In a way i sympthasized with her but i couldn’t quite understand it.

    She blamed alot of her depression on her ex who she had been with for five years who had cheated on her and kept it hidden and it was only until the end of her relationship she found it all out. After meeting me she said that i saved her because before i came along she was in a deep, dark place. She thought that she would always be alone and nobody would stay with her because of her mental illness. I kept promising her that i would always be there for her no matter what.

    Six months in we finally had sex for the first time and it was great. We were closer than ever, she let her barriers down and she told me stories in her past that she hasnt told anyone, not even her parents. It felt so good knowing that i was bringing happiness into her life and that she could trust me and that we could talk. She did have her bad days but i told her to tell me so i was aware to give her space. One day we went out on a day trip with a friend of mine and his girlfriend but she was having a bad day and it made it awkward. Whatever I said to try and cheer her up she would bite and shoot me down in flames. I tried multple times to try and lighten the mood by making jokes but there was nothing. We ended up arguing seriously for the first time but after a few hours when she came around we made up.

    The summer term arrivied and a few weeks into it she got a job as a shop assistant and she passed her driving test. She started making new friends at work and she started pretty much working full time and most shifts were unsociable hours e’g 4pm until midnight! This started causing a strain on our relationship because communication started to distant, we used to talk every day but conversations started to get boring. It was the same questions almost every day, how was work? Was it busy? I fell very ill so we couldnt see each other for like a week because of her working and i didnt want her to catch it. Conversations started to become mininal and what we once had started to fade. I got better and started asking when is she free to come over and see me? She would tell me she was busy working and couldnt see me until monday (it was thursday we was having this conversation) Obviously i felt like she was distanting herself from me because she couldnt even make time to come see me during the day. Two weeks passed and it felt like i didnt even know her any more. It seemed like forced conversations and that i was begging for her time, her responses started to become blunter. I opened up and said it doesn’t even feel like were together any more and she kind of agreed. I suggested what should we do? And she said its only going to get worse. From that response I felt like she had given up on us after everything. So i said we have no choice but to be friends then. We promised we would stay friends forever. The first few days were suprisingly not too bad, I came to terms that she was busy and we agreed to meet up and talk when she was free to discuss where we was at.

    Even though we was not together we were still talking every day and i thought we could rebuild our relationship. I kept asking what day can we meet up and she kept telling me she was busy with work and making excuses. I felt so hurt, I was thinking to myself why cant she come meet me face to face and talk it through to try and make it work again but she wouldnt. After a few times i got frustrated and asked how the hell can you be so cold with me after everything we have been through. All i would get is blunt answers, she told me the best option is to move on and that she doesnt need anyone to be there for her and she can deal with her problems alone. I started getting paranoid and asked if she met someone else but she sworn that she hasnt and im overthinking everything, she just said its wrong timing for us. She also said that she would end up fucking it up even more so its best for me to move on. After being so close and open she has now closed all her barriers with me and treats me like a nobody, i always feel myself trying to create conversation with her to show i still care. I told her i love her and im always here but she is replies with a sad face emoji or stop it because its making it harder:/ I asked if she still has feelings for me and she replied with im not that heartless. Its only now after almost two weeks of not being together ive decided to stop messaging her every day because the conversations seem so forced with her being in a depressive state. Days go by and we have a brief conversation asking about her day and what shes been up to but thats it. Ive gave up asking her when can we meet up and talk about everything. She keeps telling me that she will when shes not busy. All i can do is wait and hopefully one day soon she will message me and be ready to talk but i can’t see that happening as days go by without us talking. I really hope it can happen sooner rather than later so i can get some answers on why she has given up on us after we were so close. It feels like she is dragging it out until we meet so shes completley over me and i can give her stuff back without having the heart felt conversation. I might be overthinking everything, she did say i was overthinking the whole situation so who knows. I guess time will tell but for now im trying to stay strong! I really hope we can rebuild our relationship…

    • Danielle says:

      It sounds like maybe she is self harming again so badly she cannot admit it to you and cannot see you because you would know! I’m so sorry! I do have to say it takes one hell of a man to care like you do and not just throw your hands up and walk away. Perhaps you should attempt to contact her parents and share your concerns. It sounds like she is isolating herself from someone who knows her troubles because she can’t stop. I hope things have gotten better as this is a few months old. Update?

      • Steve says:

        Three months went by and still no effort from her side to meet and talk. We were on LC on good terms. I seen on snapchat she was going out drinking which she never done that often when we were together. I felt like she was trying to hard to prove she can live without me because she hardly snapchats but soon as Saturday comes she posts loads pics/videos being around different boys. She knows I will see them because we spoke every single day on snapchat when we were together. I didn’t react the first few times but then after seeing it a few times I reacted by going to her house and taking her belongings back and left them by her front door. I also deleted her off snapchat to help me move on because seeing her stories would make me feel like shit. Her words and actions contradicted each other. Knowing behold after I done that she text me pretty much begging to meet and talk and asked why my attitude had changed so much. (She even said you wanted to meet for ages why have you changed your mind?). I don’t want to wait around for someone who doesn’t treat me with respect. Its been a month now with strict no contact and I don’t plan on contacting her because I’m spending my time rebuilding myself and to heal fully. Im sure she will contact me in the future because I think she is going through G.I.G.S as she is only young. Going out getting drunk with her new work mates will get old and in time she will realise how much I actually cared for her well being.

        • Danielle says:

          Yay for you! I was going to say she is posting that stuff because she knows you will see it and it’ll will hurt you. Next I was going to say DELETE HER! STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!!! So you took my advice before I could offer it! lol. You’re right; don’t wait around and be her puppet, her convenience, a part of her game. I’m really happy you are moving on. You deserve someone who treats you with the same respect you give and you will find that girl! Stay strong internet stranger!! 🙂 Going out will get old, when she realizes people are all using her, just party friends, etc…and she will probably realize what she had. But, she has treated you pretty damn awful so please stay strong. This is on her now, you need to take care of YOU!

  36. G says:

    My wife of 16 years is diagnosed with anxiety and depression , reading this article hit the nail right on the head on how she is towards me. My relationship with her has been and up and down rollercoaster , when she is up she is happy and at ease she is the biggest sweetheart but when she is down she is very negative and blames me for a lot of things that she is at blame for also, she tends to put it all on me. I love her with all my heart , we have beautiful children together and I know I would be lost without her. But these last few weeks has been a little to rough on me from her depression that I’m not sure whether if this is real or just her depression?, she has been distant from me and bringing up negative things in the past and pretty much putting me down saying thimgs like I’m not a provider when I work 60 hours a week, she quit jobs left and right and blamed her anxiety but now that finances are tight she is attacking me. Her doctor just recently changed her antidepressant so I wonder if that is the cause of it all.? Lately she has been saying she loves me just as a friend and not attracted towards me anymore. I am very hurt by this. Not sure what to do because I’m scared to lose her

    • Lou says:

      Feel your pain. I loved mine too, and tried to help, be understanding, let things go that were hurtful and offensives of me.
      However, after a terrible incident in front of our children, I thought this really is not right, and I moved out.
      These people are just nuts and evil in their manor to the people who love and try to support them through it. I have not been able to find a cure.
      Leaving was the best thing I did.
      Six months later, mine is still nuts, but at least my children do not have to witness this dreadful behaviour, and I do not have to suffer it.
      Life is short, you should enjoy it with the sane.

  37. Charlie says:

    I have been in a depression for about 2 years. I searched for help about 6 months ago, and was diagnosed with MDD. Prior to the 2 years, I was OK. Then, I got married. My wife is wrong for me. She doesn’t cook, clean, work or do laundry. She doesn’t work or have the ambition to anything.. Except be on her phone all day,while I work. Then I come home and cook my own meals or I go to the store and eat there. We have a 2 year old…but even
    before she was born she was like this. I believe… She IS the reason for my depression. I can’t financially make ends meet. We are about to be homeless. She and the baby are going to move in with her mom, while I live in my car. Her family has never accepted me and feels that I am the problem. They believe, I don’t make enough money which IS true.They believe I should have 3 jobs. They don’t believe she should work…I believe living in my car will be a blessing. I will have space…a little bit. I won’t be around her or the pigsty we live i n. I may get some peace of mind and it may help to alleviate my depression. Any thoughts or advice ?

    • Terri says:

      Charlie I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. I’m on the other end of this. Married a long time and the stbxh walked out was having an affair became someone I don’t know.
      But I learned a lot through this. I had to enter therapy because stbxh kept wanting to return, still tries after 3 years but continues his behavior.
      It confused and scared me and I didn’t know what to do or how to move forward. I hope this will help you.
      Before you can move forward and determine whether your wife is an issue please take this time to be on your own and get well. Go back to therapy. Only when you are well and have clear thoughts should you make any permanent decisions about your personal life.
      This is what my therapist told me. Do not let stbxh come home until he is well and has worked on himself. And take that time to work on myself.
      He has not done the work and still flounders about making himself miserable and pushing everyone away. I have done the work and although I very much hoped for our marriage to survive I have chosen to walk away. But I have no regrets because I learned about myself and did all I could to give this a chance.
      I’m ok when I look in the mirror. I can accept my choices with no regrets. Please work towards getting back your emotional stability for yourself and no outside influences while you do it, I mean girlfriends, because that clouds everything. Just people you trust and a good therapist. And then you will eventually be able to work through the rest.
      You can do this and I will be thinking the best for you.

  38. Will says:

    I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a person who suffers from Depression, Anxiety and a mild form of OCD.
    I have been through and experienced all of these issues and now we are finished (quite recently) my self esteem and self confidence has been totally destroyed and I am struggling to puck myself up.
    I felt I could “fix” her and help her become confidant and full of life as I am but all that happened is that I feel down and totally worthless.
    This has put a wedge between myself, family and friends who have been advising me to get out if the relationship for years.
    I love her though and I wanted to help and keep her safe. I still do love her and she is still playing mind games with me now, we cannot be together but she keeps opening a door to me and then closing it very firmly 24, 48 hours later, it is like she is trying to punish me for things I haven’t done and having read this article I can really see why she is doing this to me.
    I feel from the last 4 years I need to get help with my emotions as week by week my own mental health has been badly affected but no one thinks about the innocent parties in all this, everyone cares about the person with the Depression etc. I have come out of this relationship being the one at fault and I have heard what is being said about me from her friends partners and it is shocking what people can think and accuse you off when all you have done is try to help them and be there for them and improve their life, trying to inject laughs, fun times, happy thoughts, holidays etc………..
    Will not be able to do this again with anyone

    Will

    • Mike says:

      I was in the same boat, for a much longer time. My advice is that if you don’t have kids with her, you need to consider cutting her off completely. It’s painful when you care about the other person, but you’re not going to help her by still being available, and you’re going to keep going through the same cycle when she feels a little better and then brings the hammer down on you soon after. Sad to say, but she’s going to have to go through a difficult realization that you are no longer available to her at all before you’re rid of that pain in your life. I’d also suggest you getting some therapy to help you leave this relationship behind. It helped me a lot in realizing that I have to move forward by myself.

    • d1885 says:

      Will.

      I am in a similar situation albeit not getting blamed in a blatant way but in a far more subtle but no less hurtful way. I read a great but very simple quote in an article about how depression affects the other partner/ex partner. Essentially it said do not try and make sense of the depressed persons actions and thoughts because they simply do not make any sense!

      It is extremely hard to do this some days but i am taking it each day at a time have ups and downs. You do have to be careful not to slip into a cycle yourself i have teetered on the brink a few times but i am just plain upset confused and not depressed. I am sure you can tell the difference too as you have seen how depression affects people like your lady first hand. I have had bad days where i self counsel on forums like this but i still feel joy in many areas of my life – getting sales in in work, sports teams i support winning games, music food and enjoying good news. If you feel no joy 7 days a week you need to see someone i reckon. I have been told i am the best thing to happen to her and her soul mate but also been accused of cheating regularly during this outbreak sometimes within the same week. I have been told by her specific other women who are a better fit who are more “my type” – funny thing is she is so wrong. I have been told to live my life take trips do things for me as she works on herself. I have taken a few holidays and she got very upset when i did. Its so bonkers its almost gone beyond upsetting to comical for me.

      I am not a hot headed person at all but listening to some of her mad theories on me has me having regular count to 10 moments. It is almost a relief we are not living together and broken up during this outbreak as its been much worse than the previous ones we went through. Essentially she has convinced herself i do not love her to justify her pushing me and other close friends away. I can take her falling out of love with me it comes with the illness sadly but here doubting my integrity as a person angers me. I have done so much for the girl. Deep down she does know this but until the dark cloud clears she will still have lots of days where she blames me and distrusts my love.

      I still love her and if she got better and wanted to give it another go my heart would jump at the chance but my head would need to stop and think if its the right thing to do. At least my girl is in counselling so things may become clearer for her in time there have been minor improvements the last month or so. We are still in touch as we lived together and are still managing break up admin (her decision). Its a mad time i am in touch with her sister regularly. My girl mentioned mid depression that we had problems but could not verablise what they were but also mentioned this is nothing to do with me or us.

      No idea how this will pan out for me but it is nobodys fault. If reconciliation is to happen there has to be a crisis management plan as sadly most people can never fully shake this especially if it goes in the family. Do get out and do things yourself Will and dare i say meet a few other women even for a date or two. Build yourself back up and relearn what it feels like to have somebody show interest in you even if you do not want to pursue it. Severely depressed people simply do not have it in the locker to show love and compassion as they are too busy fighting their demons

      Best of luck to you all on here!

  39. Sarah says:

    Hello fellow human!

    I would really appreciate advice with my situation. I am very confused on what to do, or better yet, how to help myself. I am very depressed, and I think the cause is my relationship. The past 3.5 years, I have supported us completely. Including emotional, romantically, financially, you name it, I’m your woman! I am very independent, super creative, full of passion, lover of life and enthusiastic. I feel like an incredibly capable person and have been very happy in my life…until he moved in. It’s been a downward spiral from there, 1.5 years now. He is a great, fun loving, carefree person, and basically almost everything I wanted from a partner. We have lots of fun together and I don’t want to break up at all. But I feel like he’s completely cut me off from myself. I have to take care of everything. Money, work, cleaning – majority of it, paying for everything; rent, bills, food, trips, going out…everything. Plus I have some financial issues that I’ve been working on as well – which are almost done! YES! But this amount of pressure constantly on me has seriously taken it’s toll. I am described in many of the statements above. It is so sad to me that I have become this sad, worn-out, insecure person, when I have been so incredibly happy, loved myself so much and felt like I had life by the balls, so to speak. We have talked too much about this now, and I’m exhausted and wish I could be myself again. But the thought of breaking up seems horrible, even though I fantasize about it all the time. Completely split in half. He just started to pay a little bit of rent, and pays for his phone, but it hardly seems fair. He doesn’t do anything extra romantically for me – surprises or takes me out. Nothing like that at all. And I’ve expressed many times that I need way more space, actual space, as in don’t talk or disturb me, but he does. Always. I am an artist and have a shop and actually need alone time to create, concentrate and conceptualize. The second he leaves for tour – he’s a musician, I immediately get ridiculous amounts of work done because I can actually think undisturbed. I feel trapped, completely lash out with terrible anger and frustration, and such a deep sadness that I can hardly breath. I have insane jealously. I’ve never experienced it like this before. It’s fucking terrible. I basically feel like my entire world is falling apart. His neediness and inability to contribute to us, or me, is devastating and breaking me. I am a very strong person, but I’ve become a door mate. I know fully that my depression is making this way worse then it should be. I am so confused. Help!

    And thank you for reading.

    • Lou says:

      Blimey! It’s very good to hear that someone with the above current defects can admit they have them. I reckon the difference is you are female (Switched on and sensible) as opposed to my ex other half who cannot see he has a problem, and just blames everyone else.
      As for advise I would firstly go to the doctors, tell them your behaviour above, and I expect they will give you pills. If lucky you may be offered help with groups, talking therapy etc.
      I would then question is your current perception real, or have you built up this great bloke to be lazy, tight, useless etc?
      Personally I would go to docs together, so he has an understanding of your current state. Maybe show him the above article and see what he thinks?
      Then dependant on how all that goes, he either sticks with you, he leaves because of your current behaviour, or your throw him out as you think he is useless?
      From your story, I would say that you were both happy people together, you got depression, you did the things written above, your view of him has changed, even though he probably hasn’t changed at all, and he is now suffering your abuse. Luckily, you realise you have a problem. Hopefully you will seek NHS help and you can save your relationship.
      In my case, the husband with depression will not admit he has a problem, and cannot see all the hateful things he has done to the person that loved him deeply.
      Good luck to you and your future 🙂

    • Danielle says:

      It sounds to me like he is using you. He can do whatever he wants and you’ve accepted that behavior for far too long. It isn’t your fault, because you did it out of love for him. Not respecting your space and work is also disrespectful and abusive if he is leaving you to do everything. If he isn’t contributing financially, he should be doing the housework at least! I say this because I was in the almost exact relationship. I was never the jealous girl, but he found ways to make me insane. I worked so much and he took complete advantage of me, but we did have so much fun together and loved each other. I finally had enough when I found out what he was doing when he would be out of town. You sound like a strong capable woman who has been mind-f*cked by a narcissist. I hope things have been better for you because you sound like a catch! Do not be someone’s door mat when you are capable of so much more. You said “his inability to contribute to us, or me” is the answer you need. Love is blinding but self-preservation is SO much more important in the end. I realize this is a few months old but I hope you are grabbing life by the balls again!! Hope to hear a good update from you!

      • Sarah says:

        Hey Danielle!

        Thank you for your comment! Very accurate, so on point. I have since broken up with him. It’s been 2 months now. My depression is gone. I still have a lot of love for him, but absolutely not worth the incredible sacrifices I made for him/for us. We recently saw each other last week, and it was very difficult. But actually, it reaffirmed my decision and besides feeling heartbroken and failed at this, I feel so light, see myself again with big love eyes and started some pretty cool art projects again. I am proud of myself. I am willing completely to look at my behavior and see and feel through my pain, my part in our story and forgiveness has started. We want to remain friends, and that is positive and makes me happy. But enjoy having my space again, feeling full of life and love again. This experience has taught me to evaluate each situation that could be causing such pain and sadness, and if what I’m trying to help/fix/accept isn’t working, to keep on trying, deducting people/situations until I feel free. Trust my intuition and my truest self to know what makes me shine and fuck the rest. Life is too short and too precious to waste on suffering constantly.
        Thank you, Danielle, and the others for not only your support and concern, but for your honest advise. Much love.

        • Danielle says:

          High five! I knew you had it in you! 🙂 You got this and something better will happen for you. I do think remaining friends is okay but like “we are friendly when we run into each other” kinda friends not like “oh yeah we hang out weekly” …….NO! lol that will keep you tied down to that old part of you! well thats my take anyway. an internet stranger can’t tell you what to do! You sound way happier which is great!

        • Danielle says:

          also want to say.. you shouldn’t say that you “failed at this” because you did not fail in anyway just because the relationship didn’t work out. in fact you were like the one who did all of the work in a college group project but on the day of the presentation none of your group members showed up so your teacher automatically failed you all because of their slacking. ha i dont know where i’m going with this, but YOU pulled more than your weight is what I mean. You actually got an A++ on getting your butt out! I guess I’m super invested because this sounded identical to my ex and I!

  40. Undecided says:

    This is the first time I’ve been able to read all this on one page that fully describes what we are going through.

    My girlfriend has very severe anxiety and depression issues and I would desrive her as all of these sorry from 8,9 and 10. I have developed these symptoms I think as as a response to the problems we are going though.

    Iam seriously considering leaving. I even have a bag packed just in case. But I don’t want to devastate her and would feel like a failour if I couldn’t help.

    What should I do?

    • Justyna says:

      I’ve just found this article and it’s exactly what I’m experiencing from my husband of 23 yrs with suicide thoughts thrown in.
      He has gone undiagnosed for three years with constant rejection from him.
      I plan to seperate this year but can’t get him to agree the sell if family home two children have witnessed everything in this article aged 13 and 11 even keeping him together whilst I rush back from work as he’s got his suicidal thoughts again.
      He has played me and blamed me for so much and it’s a relief to read this is all his mental state of mind which makes me stronger to cope in the interim period.
      If I leave family home with children with nothing I will be forced to go solicitor to divorce and sell house … I just wanted it to be done so nicely 50/50 house and 50/50 children big he refuses to leave bricks and mortar. I understand it is his security but I need to support my children and start afresh before this affects there mental health too
      I’m scared when that day comes his dark thoughts return again and he hurts himself but I can’t live like this or my children
      It is a wicked illness that has destroyed him and now our relationship but if I don’t go it will destroy the children

    • Lou says:

      Leave, these are people that have become so evil, they blame you, the innocent party, for all their failings. I could not see an end result after all the nastiness from them. I left and immediately felt 100% better by being away from this control freak, who just had evil nasty thoughts about you. Life is short, find happiness.

  41. Lou says:

    Every word describes my husbands behaviour exactly.
    We have been together for twenty years, and three years ago he started to change. I thought it was just a midlife crisis, but I was so wrong.
    Eventually, after much persuasion from me, we went to the doctors, who put him on anti depressant pills. Unfortunately, this does not help the other person, who just gets abuse, evil, hatred, nastiness, controlling, criticism from the person that she was spending the rest of her life with.
    After six months of being on the pills, he seemed to have got much worse, so I left. I don’t see why I should stay with a person who has become so evil and hated me so much, when all I did was try and help.

    • Jackie says:

      So sorry for you. I have been through exactly the same as you 20 years together then like a stranger emotional abuse. Adultery with a girl half my age nasty and evil behaviour. No empathy or compassion towards anyone. Family pushed away also. Leaving me £57k in debt from a failed business venture and willing to walk away and leave me with the debt and no way of financially supporting myself.finally cracked after 8 months of sheer hell me telling him he was ill and needed to go to the docs but he didn’t believe me. No support from his family either who just said it was a marriage problem and wouldn’t believe he was ill. He has been on anti depressants for over a year now. Says can’t remember what happened when I try and talk he just looks away and won’t discuss what he has done so I get no answers. It’s really hard he is better with me now but no where near the man I knew for all those years I’m still with him God knows why good luck to you

      • Lou says:

        Hi Jackie
        I think you have nailed it…no compassion or empathy, that was exactly it, no feelings for other people apart from hatred.
        Hope yours gets better, mine certainly has not. I wouldn’t wish being the spouse of one of these people on anyone. I still can’t get my head around the complete change of personality, but after three years of sheer torture, it’s not my problem anymore.

        • Sara says:

          Wow! Jackie and Lou, I’m going thru the exact same thing with my husband of 21 years. I, like you, cannot get my head around the personality change and lack of caring or empathy!

          • Jackie says:

            So sorry for you Sara. I am 2 years down the line now. 8 months of sheer hell he put me through but shows no remorse. Won’t talk about it just says can’t remember. He also says he can’t remember who he was before. Well he was a kind caring sensitive family man then all hell broke out. He turned into a mean cruel evil man who cares about no one but himself. Much better now on anti depressants I’ve seen a vast improvement over the last 12 months and sometimes I think he is back to his old self but then he does something which then reminds me he is not. I think until he sorts out his issues he will never find inner peace. Hope yours get better soon take care of yourself and try get some support. The worst thing for me was no one ever truly believed that he was ill and put it down to a marriage problem as that’s what he told everyone. There was nothing wrong with our marriage he had only just sat with a friend of mine and told her that I was his world his sole mate etc 2 months before he started going downhill. When I asked what was wrong with ur marriage he said I’ve told you and I’m not going over it anymore. When I said well you need to tell me again as I obviously don’t know he just said I need to leave. Which he did on 3 occasions. This illness is hard to get your head round and I’m still unsure of which way to go. I’m trapped by the fact he list his business and our home went bankrupt and passed the debt to me and now I’m financially insecure. I sometimes feel he knows this and holds it against me as he knows I can’t go anywhere as I can’t afford to. However at 52 I do have life left in me and won’t be dragged down by him. I’m just living for me and my family now. My feelings towards him are not the same and they will never come back I still love the man I had but loathe the man he has turned into

        • Maur says:

          Thanks for giving us strength Lou! After 24 years of marriage I am coming to the conclusion that I need to leave. I see my husband winding up for a few days nowbefore the blowout happens. It’s such a pattern now. I feel like he is in a dark hole and he keeps trying to drag me in with him. I’ve tried to pull him out for two years now and I’m just exhausted. It’s literally killing everything good and positive being around him. He’s on meds now, and constantly reminds me that he takes them because of all horrible stuff I did to him. He comes up with the craziest twists on simple basic occurrences. It really is like the man I loved for over 20 years is just gone and this evil negative man lives with me that I must tip toe around. I have asthma and thought it was getting worse, until he left for a weekend. I realized that I could breathe again, literally. It’s crazy the stress this puts on the ones trying to help them. Are we just suckers for staying so long? I’ve told him many times that there is no one in my life I’d ever let talk to me like he is, to be so hateful.
          I give you a lot of credit for leaving, and thank you Lou for letting us know that we can be happy again after dealing with this… best of luck to you:-)

          • Lou says:

            Hi Maur
            I am coming up to a year of my escape! It has been hard starting again from scratch, but also like a massive weight had lifted. I came to the conclusion that you cannot help people if they can’t see they have a problem.
            My ex is still totally insane, and all the lies he told people about me, they are now seeing the truth, as he is now also treating them with these rages and hatefulness. I cannot see any hope for repair for him.
            Good luck for your future life without being put down, walking on eggshells, and being treated with no respect. Xx

  42. Mike says:

    Wow this rings so true its like your in my home narrating our feelings, im a 30 yr old guy but now im teary, i will bookmark this page and come back to it often. Feel like you’ve given an insight into my life which is incredibly comforting even though you have never met me. Sincere thanks for taking the time to compose this article – mike

  43. JCeey says:

    In pursuit of happiness;

    I’ve recently went thru a divorce, my mom is paralyzed due to a recent stroke and my dad is trying to gain full custody of my kids for financial reasons. I cannot see my mom or my kids until I get custody back and I’m in a new town where I don’t know or trust anyone.

    I met a new boyfriend 3 months ago and I’m now pregnant with his first child. He is a great man but we have serious communication problem going on. He often looks at me like he is aggravated when I’m just trying to have a casual conversationwith him. He responds to me like what I just said was unintelligent. When I tell him that his mean looks or agitated body language hurts me he imwdiatwly loses control of his emotions. He begins waving his arms in the air yelling at me telling me that he can’t help the way his face looks and basically tells me my thoughts or feelings are wrong and invalid and he plays a victim. He doesn’t settle down and will even pretend to cry or tell me he’s going to kill himself. He then walks away from me and spends his time on his phone and then he comes back as if nothing ever happened.

    I want to Make this work but I’ve also got so much on my plate trying to get my kids back and I’m so stressed that I’m scared about my current pregnancy. He supports me financially but when I beg him to stop with the outbursts he doesn’t listen and he can’t control his outbursts in public or while driving. I feel at times he is purposely doing this and it’s some type of control and manipulation be likes to have over me.

    He seems happy and cheerful around other people but when it’s just me and him his demeanor completely changes he looks like he’s bored and aggravated he doesn’t appear to enjoy doing things with me like looking at Baby things or playing mini golf. He tells me that I’m crazy and that I’m making this all up and that I’m blaming him 4 the abuse from my ex-husband and the fact that I’m in a custody battle for my children. I am very aware of how stressed out and depressed I am do to my life events prior to meeting him but I don’t feel like I am making anything up or putting blame on him for my other issues. I don’t even feel as if what he is saying is even relevant to what is actually going on but for some reason I feel like he tries to deflect the real problem and that he is doing this on purpose and I don’t understand really other than manipulation or control what he is trying to gain out of it.

    I’ve recently started to not even try and work on it with him and he is content with seeing me cry and when I asked him to come to bed with me he tells me he’s just going to smoke another cigarette and then he doesn’t come to bed at night at all and still thinks that there isn’t a problem with that.

    He swears that all he wants is to be married to me and he wants a family and is excited about the new baby I believe him but there’s something there that is interfering with addressing the real issue discussing it like an adult and moving forward.

    The way our disputes turn out always lead him to go away from me and stay on his phone for hours which leads me to start having more negative thoughts feeling as if he is Maybe talking to someone else it gives me a lot of insecurities but he swears that I’m the only one

    This is my first post and I’m sure it’s a little all over the place but if anyone has any insight I would really love to hear it.

    • Aline says:

      Hi JC eey try to avoid discussing his behavior with him and stay on shallow happy talks.. at times where u see him caln ask him if he would go to couple’s therapy because something is not going smooth between u two. Do not put the blame on him and pretend it would be only to fix bad comunication in ur couple. U can not tell a drunk man he is drunk just as u can not tell the depressive that he is depressive. The therapist will know how to deal. Gd luck

  44. Karen says:

    My bf and I have been dating since Feb 2015. He has had depression the entire time and said at the very beginning, “I’m not really in the right place to be in a relationship.” Of course, me being the caretaker that I am and convinced I could help him, I pushed it along anyway. Well, now it’s June, 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but in the past 3 or more months, pretty much stated we are each other’s best friend. When I asked him, twice, what it was that we really don’t agree on or fight about he said, “Nothing!” We really do get along. Problem is, we had a very special weekend had a great time, things didn’t quite go the way he promised and next thing you know it’s Monday morning and I didn’t get what I had anticipated. Let’s just say this isn’t the first time I was promised something (don’t want to go into what the something is) and then it didn’t happen. Well, he saw me getting a bit of an attitude and flipped out. “You always have to ruin everything that’s good. This happens after every great weekend together. I’m leaving and going back to my sister’s. I don’t care about my stuff do what you want with it.”

    I was shocked. I’ve seen him flip before, ON A DIME, but this was different. We’ve had fights and he’ll either disappear or won’t talk to me but it’s NEVER more than 24 hours. That was Tuesday morning. Today it’s Friday afternoon. I spoke to him for 2 minutes last night. I asked him if he didn’t want me around anymore and he said, “I don’t know and I don’t care I don’t want to think about anything I’m depressed and I just wanna sleep.” He won’t answer my texts, nothing.

    Worst part about this is, I’ve been evicted from my apartment and have to get out this weekend. He was going to help me move out and I was going to his sister’s. Well, with this situation, I may be homeless plus I live on the 3rd floor and now I’ll have to move everything myself???

    I’ve always been supportive where his depression is concerned. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. I tried leaving him many times only to come back because no one else compares. He really is my best friend. I live in a near area, have no family, no friends to speak of he’s it. And now I don’t have that.

    My question is, when do I give up? I don’t want to as I know I will love him till the end of time. But he’s not making any strides to get help and I just don’t know what to do.

    He often said I deserve someone so much better than him. I don’t want anyone else. There’s a man that came into my life that I met before him that is sniffing around again. I like him but he’s not this guy. He’s offered for me to come live in his big house, no rent to be paid, until I get back on my feet. It’s tempting! However, if I do go there and my bf comes around, that will definitely be it for us.

    I don’t know where to turn. I’m really at a loss

    • Pat says:

      Get out while you can. I’m married and stuck.

      • Caz says:

        Hey Karen. How have you been since then? I feel like my situation is exactly like yours..
        I had planned a get away with my bf at the snow and thought it would be nice to kind of spend the weekend together just us 2, to kind of sort things out and mend our broken relationship. HE has depression and wont admit it or seek help . I also didnt think it went as what i expected to be, he was pretty much always on his phone talking to his friends rather than paying attention to me. Hmm not sure what i wanted to do, he also blamed me for always ruining things, and out of nowhere one month ago he called it quits and told me to give him space and that he was not in a state to be in a relationship ..
        Its really hard i dont know what to do either if you ever need anyone to talk to. I am here to talk it out with you because I know you feel ! Much love !

      • Robin says:

        Amen to that! I’ve gotta get out soon.. again.

    • Caz says:

      Hey Karen. How have you been since then? I feel like my situation is exactly like yours..
      I had planned a get away with my bf at the snow and thought it would be nice to kind of spend the weekend together just us 2, to kind of sort things out and mend our broken relationship. HE has depression and wont admit it or seek help . I also didnt think it went as what i expected to be, he was pretty much always on his phone talking to his friends rather than paying attention to me. Hmm not sure what i wanted to do, he also blamed me for always ruining things, and out of nowhere one month ago he called it quits and told me to give him space and that he was not in a state to be in a relationship ..
      Its really hard i dont know what to do either if you ever need anyone to talk to. I am here to talk it out with you because I know you feel ! Much love !

  45. Lori says:

    WOW! Ive been walking around like dawn of the dead trying to figure out what was wrong with me. This is it!! I have been feeling each and every one of these. ALL 11. Wow. I always knew i was little more emotional than others but, geez, this is it!! Sadly, like the rest of the stories, my husband of 17yrs had an affair. Well, i dont know if you would call it an affair. If you consider Craigslist/Backpage hookers an affair. So, I had a couple surgeries and it just drained the heck out of me. I got a little depressed. Seasonal depressed. U no, stuck at home. Got a little tense between us. Kinda withdrew. Now my husband and I have always been the “Do everything together ” type. Out with the kids or ourselves. Been that way forever. Got along great. Our own little worlds. So when i withdrew he thought i didnt wamt him anymore because I quit having sex with him for a couple months. Well he found a Chick off Craigslist and met her 3 xs at a nasty Notell a couple towns over. It was 6 weeks start to finish. He was so miserable in that time. I remember him crying uncontrollably twice in that time period . He hated himself. Ive never seen him so upset in 17yrs. Well he OUTED himself by texting her from our extra house (cell) phone. He broke his a few days before in a fit of rage. (Alittle self-hatred going on). So all was revealed. He told me everything, well what he got caught for. That was Dec 2013. Now. Its been very hard. Wont lie. But then….. THE F….R DID AGAIN!!#!!!!!!!! from FEB 2015 to April 2015. I looked at his phone for something. ….BAMMMM. there they are. All kinds of phone numbers. I look em up. Guess what.. Backpage hooers!!! wtf??? I confront him. He say” I cant take the lies anymore, i called 5 but didnt meet any of them. SERIOUSLY? !?!?@!#/^&(.
    NOW WHAT????? Let me tell you, ive ruined my life over this!!
    THIS WHOLE ARTICLE IS EXACTLY ME!!!!
    ALL OF IT!! I think his affairs has kicked in my depression full gear. I was the most happy, energetic, loving, giving women. Now. I never leave the house. Sometimes i cant get out of my bedroom. This SUUUUCCCCKKKKSSS. Im a prisoner iin my own mind. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
    P.S. The Xanex he was prescribed made his need for other women 100xs worse. I understand it because it make my own depression worse sometimes.
    Thanks you for listening to my rant. 1st time i ever wrote anything about it.

  46. Mike says:

    I found this page after reading yet another well-meant posting on Facebook to an article detailing how people can help others with depression by just listening in a non-judgemental way. Sometimes that may work, but it didn’t in my case. Married for 16 years to someone who could never admit that she needed professional help, I tried everything I could in order to help her through it. At the end, I was depressed and miserable along with her. It’s a sad thing to say, but I got rid of my depression by leaving my depressed spouse. Sometimes, as my therapist told me as I was trying to decide whether to leave or not, you just have to rip off the band aid. It’s two and a half years on from my decision and I’ve regained the happy person I used to be, looking forward to life. It took a long time to recover. It’s probably only in the last 3 or 4 months that it’s really begun to sink in, but my hurt memories of my old life are fading away. I just want to say to anyone else who might stumble upon this page and wonder about whether it’s worth hanging on – if you’re having those doubts, listen to them. There’s no reason to keep yourself in this hell just because you’re trying to do right by the other person. Sometimes, you’re not going to fix them, and you owe it to your kids, yourself, and even your spouse/partner to admit that some things are unfixable and move forward.

    • Sophie11 says:

      I completely agree. It is hard to determine whether the behaviour in the relationship are symptoms of the depression or incompatibility. When they are depressed they are so raw and fragile it is very confusing and you blame yourself first naturally. It helps to separate the symptons and their actual behaviour. Some people with depression deal with it still in a nice manner. It is down to the personality. I released that I did not love the person behind the depression and that was the first step away. I would rather be on my own than with a fake relationship that is not real. They are complicated people so it takes longer to work out. I wished I could of helped but you do need real love and if it isnt therr it isnt there.

    • Robin says:

      Thank you. I needed to hear that. Been fighting it with my husband for years. & I too am so depressed & hate life.. it sucks..

  47. Emma says:

    I have been with my partner for three years and I have a beautiful little boy with him. He’s always been bit short tempered and moody but never nasty, but now he has become someone I don’t even know anymore, everything is my fault including depression, which I’m finding really hard to hear, I don’t want to be the making of anyone’s pain. I am starting to doubt myself now, an my capability as he runs me down no matter how hard I try , it becomes tiering and it hurts . E has a beautiful boy a home as a partner that loves him no matter what he throws my way. It’s a horrible thing to live with because u start doubting ur own sanity .

    • Laura says:

      This is the same with me. And I can handle it most of the time. But when I’m feeling run down or delicate I find it so difficult.
      I’m sure like me you manage to muster the strength to get through. Don’t doubt yourself. You can be strong for him and look after yourself too. It’s not your fault or his.

    • Robin says:

      Very true

  48. Victoria says:

    I have not always been this way, but I realize that my husband from the begining wanted to control my every move including finishing college. He just would not let me pursue any of my goals after I recieved my associates and has put me down for evey failure I have ever made before it becames a failure. He even constantly put me down while in college and called me stupid, however, I had a 3.75 GPA. He fought me all the time when I was trying to study. Furthermore, when I do fail at something, probably due to lack of support and emotional abuse, it is rubbed in my face w/ never letting it go years later and becomes 10 x worse. So the blame game is on of course, yes of course, depressed, bitter, angry, snappy, negative, and disfunctional. I am constantly put down to the point I don’ t function and arguments spur out of control (lasting for hours), moreover, now I do the same thing and blame him. By the time an argument is over I am to emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically too exhausted to do anything. I am then critocized for that as well. He blames me all the time too. He blames me why he can’t get something in the kitchen b/c of cabinetry and is mad b/c he doesn’t want to get on his hands and knees to get it. I am never successful at anything and I am worried for my two children. I put them first, but am constantly reminded what I am doing wrong even when I am not know his suggestion is assinine. My eldest child has development delays and I stay on top of it w/ many doctors, research, and every resource I can. My husband says our child’s problem has manifest in the result og only of me. My husband leaves in the morning before kids are up. My child has meltdowns consistently every morning as we get ready for school. Their isn’t any type of punishment that motivates this child. I know that this isn’t right. I am told I am wrong on it all the time. I know i am correct b/c my family’s education and carreer background are of this field and ee are talking about my mom and generations from my mom. Now, I can’t help to think how ignorant and stupid he is. Now, my husband says he can’t stand me and wants a divorce. What do I do?

    • Valerie says:

      Give it to him! He’s looking at it like a punishment for your failures! I would doubt he’d follow through as it is probably just another tactic in his dysfunctional ways! He couldn’t allow you all these years to succeed because had you been successful you would of most certainly had enough self confidence and your own money to leave! It will take time to undo all the self doubt and damage he created in you but you will be able to raise your children with self confidence and teach them you can get through anything! Good luck and I hope you are able to find you again most importantly YOU deserve it but you children deserve a mother that is 100% well to give them the best she can!

    • Kirby says:

      You ever look into narcissistic disorder? He kinda sounds like one. Hope things work out for you. Its hard when dealing with.a narc xx

    • Robin says:

      My husband is the same damn way. I can’t even keep going like this. It’s so horrible. I’m sorry.

  49. Ashley L says:

    This article shed some light on my problem. I am 22 and just had my second child 3 months ago. I have suddenly become very unhappy with myself, my life, And everyone around me. I had a traumatic childhood into teen years and it only made the depression worse. I get very mad easily and say hurtful things to my husband. I feel as if we ate hanging by a thread. I have tried talking to a psychologist but it does not seem to help. Talking only dug up the past and made me feel worse. I have bad thoughts everyday. Many times I want to just end or all but my kids keep me going. I am a full time stay at home mom and I am constantly on edge and lose my temper a lot ( not around them) but I feel so alone…. I want to know what I can do to help this…

    • Pixie says:

      You owe it to yourself to continue to seek help. Continue to work with your therapist to find solutions whether it be talk therapy, medication, or a combination of both. You’re young, you’ve just had a baby so that can make things worse with the possibility of postpartum depression bleeding into this….not to mention if you’ve come from an abusive/neglectful household, you will oftentimes feel worse when you are processing the hurt from this. Hang in there and don’t give up….you have your whole life ahead of you and a family full of people who love you and are pulling for you. It’s hard to fight through it but there is so much love and beauty in the world and you deserve to experience it. /hugs

  50. Rob says:

    I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on what is best to do. I was dating a woman for two months, and we really clicked so well. We were seeing each other at least once a week or more. We didn’t get to the relationship stage, but it looked like we were headed that way. She told me early on she has depression. We had a small fight, and managed to patch things up a couple weeks later. When we patched things up. she told me she didn’t think she could pick up where we left off just yet as she and her best friend had a falling out, and it wouldn’t be fair to me if we got together while she was feeling down. Her best friend is a guy who lives out of state, and I’ve never met him, but knew about him. I told her we could take a step back and be friends until she got though this, and she could talk to me, which she did for a few days. I even started sending her jokes to cheer her up which she said she appreciated. After about a week, she suddenly shut me out. She refused to respond to my texts or emails. I even told her if she was upset with me, to let me know so I could make it right with her, and still nothing. After about a month, I noticed she unfriended me on Facebook, and even deleted all her Facebook posts from the time we met up until now. None of the posts were even about me, but they’re all gone. I’ve been concerned about her, and I hope she’s ok. I’m wondering if I should just let it go, move on, and let her make the move if she ever does. Does anyone have any other suggestions? If anyone else did this to me, I would just write them off and be done with it. For some reason I can’t explain, I just feel like I can’t do this to her. It’s just a gut feeling, but I feel like I can’t just abandon her even if we end up being friends and not dating anymore. We never met each others’ friends or kids since we never did quite make it to the relationship stage. If anyone has any suggestions, I would welcome them.

    • Dan says:

      Hey Rob, the first thing that came to mind reading this was that this “friend’ was a romantic partner, and she obviously patched things up with him and wanted to hide the fact that she was dating you… I could be flat out wrong. Anyway, hope you have been able to move on, you deserve someone who is ready to have you in their life. <3

  51. Jane says:

    I’m in crisis I’ve been with my partner for 30 years stood by him through thick and thin,raised our daughter who was in and out of hospital for 13 years with a bone tumour,so my job had to revolve around them. He has just recently told me he is depressed and his doctor has referred him to a councillor,the only reason he told me was because I wanted sex as we have had no intimacy for the last 16 months he hasn’t mentioned it or shown me any affection since I questioned him in June about being out till 1.30 in the morning a 30 year old blonde went past our home in a car and he walked in straight after,I asked him who she was and his hand went up to his mouth and said he was with nobody! Second thing found bracelet in his car and viagra in July, third thing September booked day off work told me he was at work I got in car seat pushed forward!!! That was when I thought how much more…. he keeps telling me there’s no one else and he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong but he is,so I decided to do some research for my own piece of mind because I feel like I’m going mad, from a young age he saw his father beat his mother till his father left my partner was 7yrs old he told me his dad would be back the following weekend he never showed up again….he told me he thought it was his fault,at the same time he stopped talking for 3 weeks his mother thought he’d gone deaf doc said nothing wrong he’s just ignorant so he got a belting for that,none of them considered he was traumatized. Then couple of months step father arrived so from 7 to 15 from my knowledge he watched him beat his mother also himself and and his older btother, when he was 31 I told him to get help but no,everything he’s been doing to me over the years point’s to him being a narcissistic abuser/ passive and now I’m the one that’s dealing with his depression my life has been turned upside down I’m so anxious all the time can’t think or concentrate ever thing you’ve written above I’d my partner but with lies,deceipt and secrets I think about him all the time which I know is unhealthy but it’s like he brainwashed me with silences,no conversation and acts like everything is fine, tonight I asked him again is there another woman he said there’s no one,I’ve given him an out of this relationship a couple of times now says he doesn’t want another life,so now I can’t figure out if he’s been having sex with someone and guilt jumped up and bit him on the arse in the form of depression or he really is depressed,he’s told me tonight he knows he’s hurting me and doesn’t want to,i asked him then why do it,so since me confronting him he’s not talking at all to me,its like he’s been punishing me for the last 12 months and i don’t know why,i feel so sad and alone.

    • Fedup says:

      So sorry that you are going through all this. I like yourself have been in this position mine started sept 2014 he went from kind loving caring man to like he had lost his mojo. In November 2014 he started going downhill. He had a night away its work and didn’t call me very out of caracater I accused him of being with someone else which he denied and said he felt old didn’t like what he saw in the mirror and thought that I didn’t want him. Went to docs with him she offered anti depressants but he said he didn’t need them. He then went on the rampage totally ignored me and our daughter at home walked past us like shit on his shoe. Left me said he couldn’t cope said we had a marriage problem but wouldn’t say what. I left him he carried in at home and work like nothing was wrong never spoke about what had gone on to our daughter which was still living at home with him. Then in June 2015 I asked him what was wrong he kept telling me he loved me but when I asked what the but was he couldn’t answer. We were having sex then he wouldn’t speak to me downstairs his whole sexual behaviour changed also. In June he told me he didn’t want a wife and family. I told him to leave I had had enough. 3 days later he was back full of remorse had made a mistake he was 100% committed to moving on as a family I had booked to go away for 10 days with a friend to recover myself so told him that. He moved back in on the Friday 7pm he took me to the airport next day at 11am I face timed him text him spoke to him then 4 days into our holiday he text me and said he had made a mistake and was leaving again his text was really bad. He was tying up loose ends etc.i spoke to his parents and my family and they all tried to tell him apart from his parents that something was wrong with him his behaviour was so hot of character his parents just offered him a room even though they knew how he had treated me. 2 days before I came home he cracked went to the docs was diagnosed with depression and on anti depressants. The first lot made him crack I found out he had slept with a girl at work 26 he is 47 had been in some kind of relationship with her for 4 months but he had ended it. He has a daughter 21 shame in him. He has a son from a previous relationship he got a girl pregnant when he was 21 he never saw his son until he was 19 and turned up on our doorstep he eventually agreed to meet him he has been in our life for 7 years he has a daughter so we now have a grand daughter he has now decided that he feels nothing for him or his granddaughter so he is not going to see them anymore bad behaviour. His parents have never accepted him as their grandson disgusting on their behalf. I don’t know what happened when he had to tell them all those years ago but I presume it was a very big shame thing. There is a history of mental illness in his mothers side but she will not believe that her son is mentally ill and tries to blame me for him being the way he is. He is a lot better now on the anti depressants for 8 months but still not the man I married and have been with for 23 years. Shows no remorse for what he has done says it’s all a blur he can’t remember a lot of it and he can’t remember what he was like before. Work stress loosing his business and our family home all contributed to it if you ask me. He was willing to leave me with 50k of debt and no wan of financially supporting myself and his parents knew this but offered him a room says a lot for that family I am very bitter. I try to concentrate on me now getting out with friends on my own at least once a week and working full time and enjoying my job has helped like you I don’t know where my life is going at the mome but one thing for sure is that I will not allow him to mentally abuse me again ill or not

      • Robin says:

        Thank you for sharing. I’ve been fighting my marriage with my husband for yrs. Lots of mental/verbal abuse. God will get me there!!

  52. Confusion says:

    Hello, I’m currently questioning my relationship, but I don’t really know if it depression or just me. I was diagnosed with Depression 3 years ago, however, I’m positive I’ve had it much, much longer.

    I’m with an amazing guy. He’s so kind and caring. He’s patient with me while I’m questioning our relationship. He loves me so much, and he hurts, but remains so positive that it’ll work out.

    I’m constantly filled with pain (feels like fear) in my heart. I simultaneously want to see him and also want nothing to do with him. I want to hold him sometimes, and other times I don’t want to touch him. I feel like I want to talk to him, but I also don’t. I’m scared I’m going to lose him… I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time… I want him to find someone better than me, who’s more put together and can love him the way he deserves.

    I hide away in my room, away from my family because I don’t normally want to talk to them. Sometimes I feel alone…

    I can talk and laugh with people, but it’s just…. Talking most of the time. Like I laugh because something is funny, but I don’t actually feel the laughter.

    I’m scared that I don’t love him anymore. I’m afraid I’m just denying my feelings that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t know what to do. Around December, I started feeling down in general, but I had him. It wasn’t until January that I woke up one morning and didn’t feel anything for him. I immediately felt afraid I was going to hurt him, that I didn’t want to lose him.

    I used to see a future with him, one with a family and a home. Now I’m not even sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The thought of that makes me feel tired… That and helping him through his own bouts of depression. The thought of being there for him had never bugged me, I’m a very supportive person, but I’m just tired. Right now, it feels like we aren’t connecting when we talk and his humor is slightly childish, but I’ve always either rolled my eyes at it or teased him about it. Now, I get so impatient with him… I haven’t yelled at him, but he’s really begun to exasperate me… A lot of people have.

    There are moments when it feels like I should just give up and leave him, that it’ll never work out and I’m wasting my time, and then I go numb. Is that because I’m actually depressed? Is it because the constant everyday ruminating about my relationship and the fear I feel that my emotions are shutting down.

    I really need advice. I’m trying to see a psychologist, but they’re all so busy, same thing with the psychiatrists. It’s hard going through this everyday… We don’t want to leave each other, but I’m afraid that that’s all we can do… Any type of advice would be nice.

    • Laura says:

      You already gave the answer yourself: We don’t want to leave each other

      If there is a will there’s a way. I’ve been in the same boat. Don’t doubt yourself or him, trust dear ones. It’s depression. No doubt about it. These are the words I needed to hear when I was struggling:
      Stop distracting yourself. You need to be honest with him. Talking will help the situation, just remember that you have to want to get better. Being stubborn or simply refusing help won’t help you. There are people who will care and take care of you but you have to be honest and let them.

      I know it’s easier said than done but it’s totally worth it.

    • Snap says:

      I feel exactly the same as you Confusion.

      I’ve always thought me and my girlfriend would move in together and get marries and have kids. Shes the perfext person that ive always been looking for.

      Its as if i woke up one day and it was gone. The thought of not being with her is awful. But when in with her, its a struggle to feel like I used too. Like the things I used to tolerate and intolerable.

      • Hopeful says:

        Snap,
        Thats my story as well. One morning she was just gone. We did move into together. She has 3 amazing kids that I lover dearly. My son and her son were best of friends. The house was full of laughter and love. But the depression took over and now shes moving out. We were to be engaged in Dec. From the stories I have read the ones that made it through did some therapy together as well. Getting the meds dialed in was also key. I pray you are able to get reconnected. From what I understand of this illness the relationship will take time to build but it is possible.

        Blessings

    • Hopeful says:

      Thank you for sharing. I am on the receiving end of what you are going through. I love my GF very much and have done a lot of research on depression. Every story I read is the same. She has chosen to leave as she believes the relationship its whats causing all the pain and after reading yours its how she described her feelings towards me.

      I can see why you are hurting over your confusion. I have read so many storys like yours. Once the depression hits its like all the feelings you once had are gone. My GF says the same things you wrote here.

      Please do what you can to get in to see someone. This illness is a monster and you did not choose it but you can fight it with help.

    • WowCloseToHome says:

      I feel like this was written by my own girlfriend. I love her more than anything on this planet and we have been going through the same exact struggle as a couple. I my situation right now she has left and I am devastated. Because I can tell you this: if your boyfriend feels similar feelings for you that I do for my partner he wants so desperately to be with you and work through this.

      When I told the love of my life that I loved her there were no stipulations to it. No – I love you… But if shit gets tough… I’m going to bounce. I love the woman I am/was/unsure about status I am with more than anything.

      Those words to me are a promise. A vow that you will always have a partner… Especially when going through tough times. Even more so than the good times!

      Your doubts about wanting him to have a different life with out you in it are your own doubts – I’m sorry to be so blunt about that (we’ll call that my own lack of sleep the past 10 days). But the fact that he is by your side means that he wants to be with you through this.

      Please – from the standpoint of being the man in a similar situation… Love him. Love on him and stand by your feelings of love you have. LOVE… It is such an amazingly powerful thing and can conquer all. I used to think that was just a phrase… But holding out on love is never a moment wasted.

      I hope this message finds you well and fills you with a warm hug. It’s going to be better… Talk to your mate. I bet you he loves you even more than you could ever be aware of!

    • Confusion says:

      Thank you… Everyone. It’s been crazy, I thought I was crazy. It’s hard, because I get so hot and cold with him. He just knows It’s going to work out… And it scares me because what if it doesn’t….

      Right now, I’m pretty much numb. I don’t feel pain, but I definitely don’t feel joy. I can only hold onto the solace that, at least in this state, I can rely on myself to at least believe I still love him and not be a questioning mess.

      My depression really made me question EVERYTHING about my relationship, to the point where I was telling myself that I was never even truly happy with him… And my mind KNEW that was a blatant lie…. But subconsciously the “what ifs” ate me alive…

      Is like I said: I really don’t want to leave him. He’s mine, and I love him… I’ve been depressed before… But I never knew depression could be so…. Malicious. Taking away one of the few things that brought me true joy…. Now I’m just empty. It’s kinda sad really, I talk about it like it’s nothing. I feel no sadness, I feel no joy. I’m just here… And after all the confusion and sadness, for right now… That makes it all okay.

      • Jane says:

        This is how I’m feeling but just thought it was fall out from my partners depression in the way he’s treating me,i love him always have for the 30 years we’ve been together, want to grow old with him I thought once our kids moved out it would be us time,fun time,closer than ever time,he is just making me feel like I’ve wasted all those hard-worked years for nothing and now he’s pushed me to feel nothing,i just feel sad and tears just keep welling up,and I’m emotionally drained and feel totally lost.

      • WowCloseToHome says:

        That word you used, malicious… Is such a powerful word. It’s been almost three weeks now since my partner left. Last night we had a very brief interaction that I had to force due to her strict “I’ll talk to you when I’m ready mentality”.

        Didn’t really recognize my partner honestly – there is a hold there that I have to believe is from the maliciousness of our current situation. Like I mentioned before – we went from being best friends to apparantly two people who now can’t even have a conversation. That one is still hard for me to wrap my head around – I hope and pray that one day I’m going get to see my partner again – but right now… I guess I don’t get to know when or if that will ever happen.

        Depression takes a certain toll on people from what I’ve read. I could never imagine that day to day questioning that you’ve mentioned (and my GF as well). If I try to put myself in her shoes I know that she must be hurting – even though right now her outward apparence doesn’t show it.

        I guess I’m taking a tangent from the “close to home part” and now just talking about my situation. But as the partner in love with her right now I wrestle with the fact that she has said how good she is now that she’s gone, how the past few months weren’t love… Just her trying to play the game. That’s a hard pill to swallow – because I know those are just untrue words. She tells me and my friends that she loves me very much right now… But hasn’t been in love with me. This from the woman who feel asleep each night as I tickled her back, missed me tremendously when I wasn’t home (I work 24hr shifts) and still was talking about a future with me.

        So I guess I could use some advice on how to cope with those painful words of “not being in love with someone” when they just don’t add up. Thanks again all – don’t know where I’d be honestly without this forum to vent/talk/read.

    • Lauren says:

      Hi confusion, I’m dealing with this exact same issue and have been for some time. Have you found anything that helps?

  53. Hopeful says:

    Living with my GF who is suffering from anxiety disorder and depression. I suspect she has had this for sometime but was triggered by some very traumatic events over the past year. She is unable to drive and has a few pending legal issues to deal with along with a 34 day sent in jail that has been served.

    After jail she moved in with her 3 children. This was discussed prior as well. The children could not have been more happy to move in with me and my son. That portion of the relationship is amazing. I love her children very much and love having them a part of the family. We all gel very well.

    When she got out things turned from my loving, attentive, affectionate love of my life to an angry and distant person. Over the last 4 months I have completely lost her. She says she not sure if she wants to stay and feels not love for me. The attraction is gone and doesn’t want to be touched. Mornings are very hard. I never know who I am going get.

    She is just starting medication and therapy and is making big efforts to get help. It the midst of all this I am not sure what to do? I have read tons and see my story is very similar to most. She has her old place yet so thats the topic of conversation a lot. Maybe I should just move back to my old place. Not what I want and the kids are a big factor in all this.

    I love her very much and pray the love she once had for me will return. I really miss my Luv and fear the love will not return for her.

    Any thoughts for those who have made though this would be greatly appreciated.
    Blessings

  54. LY says:

    I have depression and have had it since a very young age.. My family has never been supportive of me and barely acknowledged my depression.. every time I seeked help on my own. I started getting better around 6 years ago after going on medications and really tried to pick my life up again.. e.g. did well in uni, got a good job, got promotions etc. Around 4 years ago, I met my now ex-bf I believe (although I really don’t want this to be true..). We worked in the same office and it was both of our first job. We clicked from the start and we became good friends quickly. From the start, I sometimes had the feeling that he may like me, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship because I had serious trust issues and always believed that “I didn’t need to be happy, I just need to avoid unhappiness” and so I tried setting him up with 2 other girls that I thought he was interested in, but it seemed it didn’t work. Even after I moved onto another job just 4 months later, he still tried hard to stay in touch and messaged me every single day. More than half a year later, we were finally together (This was my first relationship)

    The first 2.5 years was no problem and we were happy. He always messaged me and let me know that he loved me and talked of the future, although unhealthy, his world revolved around me and I tried my best to love him with everything I had. But half a year ago, things started to change. To be honest.. even with my years of “experience” of having depression, I wasn’t sure my actions were due to depression till later.. it was the same as before when I was younger and had depression, OCD and social anxiety, where the symptoms were just so obvious but somehow I was completely ignorant of them. First I became easily annoyed at him.. from small things such as not studying/doing hw for a course we were doing together… to him being too passive and not willing to ask restaurant staff for the listed discount after they billed us more than they should. It was just many tiny things… things that always existed but that I happily accepted as part of him and part of what I loved about him before my depression kicked in. I found myself feeling isolated and crying about nothing all the time. He tried a few times to softly bring up what’s wrong… and I told him each time I think my depression is coming back.. but he offered me zero condolences… he simply said he wishes that my body gets well soon. I was really upset.. but I didn’t blame him because I knew he just didn’t understand. I tried not to talk about it anymore because I knew I was causing him a lot of distress too.. Over the months, it got worse and worse. I could no longer even hold his hand without feeling uncomfortable (I still did but sometimes when I really couldn’t take it, I would pretend to be cold and put my hands in my pockets or played with my phone). I could no longer say sweet words to him. I told him I was sorry that I couldn’t say those things at the moment and felt really stressed out when thinking about our future together.. He accepted that explanation and didn’t ask anything of it but I knew I broke his heart.. I was so scared I was even making him depressed…

    Then came December. I really could not control my life anymore.. it was spiralling out of control. I would get teary and felt hopeless all the time. I distanced myself away from him even more because I really felt suffocated and pressured when with him.. also, I knew my irritable nature and coldness was understandably making him very upset and confused too which I felt so terrible about.. I was so scared he would start hating me. Thoughts of killing myself surfaced all the time from my many years of depression but I always knew they were just a brief mental escape and fantasy, nothing I would actually execute. This time was different though.. I thought up elaborate plans to jump out of my window or the bridge near my house and whenever I took the bus, I really hoped some freak accident would happen and just wipe me from existence. I really couldn’t take it anymore. It was extremely difficult but at the time, I really felt it was the only solution and I suggested we take a break. I told him I still wanted to be friends if he was okay with it too but the signs of a relationship was really putting a lot of stress on me… I needed some alone time. He took it really badly as I had expected (based on previous arguments we had). I was very worried about him.. I tried to still be there for him and assured him that I cared for him no matter what. I told him not to hurt himself or do anything he would regret and to play the games he liked and eat the foods he liked. He was in a slump for many days and he said he didn’t want to not talk to me anymore but just didn’t know how to face me.. I felt really sad but I tried to put on a brave face especially since it was me that caused all these problems and upset for him..

    Then later in the month.. literally weeks, not even a month after the break… he was with someone else already. He was still saying sad things to me days ago and I really believed he loved me and was the one.. but just mere days.. he was with someone else. I felt so cut and disgusted…

    Right now I feel so hurt, betrayed and gutted.. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore.. and of course my depression has taken a turn for the worse and I can barely eat.. this has never happened before.. and I even dug out my expired anti-depressants and valium to take because I really don’t think I can get through this.. I can’t even force myself to do anything anymore and the worse thing is.. I can’t even fall asleep without medication. Sleeping was something that helped me get through my days previously but now I have problem even doing that. I am literally a zombie..

    Anyways.. I just wanted to share this and hope others with depression and is having a hard time coping with your relationships to really appreciate what your other half is doing for you and no matter how difficult or suffocated you feel, don’t push your other half away because you never know when they will really go away. As I read here that there are many spouses, despite being treated poorly by their depressed half have stuck around and stayed strong for the both of you, please try to open your eyes despite all the darkness and never take them for granted. For all those here seeking help for their depressed loved ones, kudos to you and please never stop believing in your partner..please never stop believing that they love you because you are probably the only thing that is really keeping them together as a whole.. you guys are the real MVP =]

  55. Shell says:

    Hi,
    I need help…I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, 12 of them married. I’ve suffered with depression since we met but in different degrees. The worst was the last 8 years. I love my husband but have shut him out emotionally and physically to the point that now I’m doing better he’s not sure if it’s too late. What do I do. He says he doesn’t get the depression thing and feels like we are roommates. Ironically I’ve said I felt like his roommate before and he said he thought things were fine. Is this the end, ideas?
    Thank you.

    • Paul says:

      I am in the same situation. My depression jumped 10 fold after quitting a job I should have kept. I thought the stress of my job was depressing me, but leaving caused the onset of extreme anxiety. Now I feel out of control with all of the 11 systems described in the article. It has hurt my relationship with my wife & kids to the point that we simply coexist. Meds help with anxiety attacks, but I remain lethargic and unable to participate in life. I think I will loose everything we have built in our marriage for the past 15 years. I’m scared of what will happen to me then.

  56. ChrisP says:

    I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, 20+ years. I would love to go through just how long and all details of this, but that is what my therapist is for and everyone on here has their own story from each side.
    My main concern is that miraculously, in the midst of all this, I found love with the most amazing woman. She is the most patient, caring and beautiful person, I have ever met and I love her deeply.
    Unfortunately, as many here will recognise, during my darker times I have been emotionally absent. This last dip lasted 3 years and my wife has had to cope with a distant, and often cruel partner. What almost makes it worse is that, as this horrible condition makes you so selfish, I can’t remember most of the cruel things that have been said. I know that for a long time I have had no control over the tone of my voice so remarks I thought to be jovial or lighthearted, could be very cutting.
    On another occasion, shortly after our wedding and honeymoon (yes, this beautiful woman even married me in the midst of all this) I was heard to say that, “I can’t remember the last time that I was happy.” A throw away comment to me as depression seemed to take away any memory of good times. But how hurtful this must have been for my wife to hear, shortly after our big day, I can’t begin to understand. I should explain at this point that I loved my wedding day and honeymoon but I just couldn’t remember feeling those happy feelings in the throes of my dark mood. My wife has had to carry that with her since that comment, and every other flippant, non-caring word that I have ever said.
    I have started to come out of this long period of depression and my first desire was to turn to my wife but, for her, the relationship changed as I have damaged her trust in me. She had to take the brave decision in letting me know this. It hurts like hell to know that I have been the cause of her pain, sorrow and anger. I love her more each day and this has never changed for me each day throughout the whole period, however, I have been distant and unable to let her know this and aka her feel as special and loved as she deserved to feel.
    My wife has been there for me through so much and she is truly amazing to have had the strength to go through this, and all the other things that life has thrown at her whilst she should have had someone there for her too.
    At the moment she needs space to help rebuild this trust and, whilst we live together still, I find it hard not to hug or kiss her as I have these strong feelings for her still. This desire, and my fear that I could lose this, the most important person I will ever have in my life, has made me clumsy and awkward in conversation. Yet more frustration for that beautiful woman as she had to cope with me cack-handedly try to start a stumbling conversation when she wants space.
    She assures me that she believes we will get through this but I’m so scared that this distance will grow and I will lose her. For myself, I have learned to trust her implicitly but I’m not used to seeing anything but the worst possible outcomes.
    I don’t write this to convey myself as the poor victim or to focus on me but to see if there is anything I can do to rebuild this trust.

    • Just-the-wife says:

      Your wife married you when you were at your darkest time … She loved you then, and I’m sure you will come through this together.

      I read this and hoped so much to see my husbands name at the bottom. I wish more than anything for the glimmer of hope that behind the cutting remarks, the throwaway comments that the man I fell in love with is still there. Your post gives me hope as we are in currently in another period of blackness. Another time where he says he never feels happy, where I only seem to hurt him, where he says I push him away not realising I’m here trying to break through the wall he keeps erecting. Yeah I have times where I think is it worth it, why do I bother, but I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not him, it is depression. I have to fight against the voices of friends, family and those I my head that say it’s not fair, I deserve more. But then the clouds lift, I have my warm, fun, loving husband back … I could never leave him. But it is hard, and each time it happens it gets harder. Sometimes I want to stamp my feet, I want to shout, I want to sulk, … But I’m not ill, I haven’t got depression … So I have to be mature, grown up and rational. And that is hard some days … But if I flip he wouldn’t understand why. He doesn’t see his unreasonable behaviour, he doesn’t see how much hurt he doles out … Depression is such and evil mind messer. I have to direct my anger, my tears, my grief at the illness. I’m grateful for your post today … It gives me so much hope that one day we will get through. That if we both cling we might beat it.

      • Laura says:

        This reply is similar to the one I was going to write. And I am sure she will remain strong for you and you’ll come out th other side. She’s been patient for you so many times so be strong and remain patient for her.
        And just-the-wife I feel the same as you. Can’t believe someone feels the same as me; I wish no one did, but it is comforting to know some people understand. We must all be strong. Our husbands are in there somewhere. Don’t let go of that hope. This post also helped top up my hope.

  57. Janice says:

    These symptoms seem to only bash on the person feeling depressed. I can relate to many things but they can’t control what they do or their actions. They need help. Here it seems like it’s a hassle to live with someone who’s sick and needs help. All the people commenting are the non depressed partner.

    • Julia says:

      What do you suggest the non depressed partner do? My family has tried going to therapy together but it didn’t seem to help. I think my dad felt attacked (he’s the depressed partner) that was back when I was in middle school, now I’m a senior in high school and nothing has gotten better, if anything it has gotten worse. A few years ago my dad started heavily drinking. I don’t know what to do and I would really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

    • Just-the-wife says:

      For once an article that explains what it’s like to live with someone who is depressed! To have to put up with the negativity, the emptiness, the criticism …

      It is hard. And it’s frustrating when articles are normally shown from view of the depressed person. We love them, we support them, we take the pain for them. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes I want to shout what about me, when am I allowed a day off from being the support, when can I stop.
      This is a brilliant article … I’ve been married over 20 years and love my husband loads but sometimes I need some time and space for me. I doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But I need to feel loved, wanted and appreciated too. I can’t do 24×7 support. Caring for someone with depression is a daily challenge, it hurts and sometimes I can’t deal with it. I question is it him, is it depression, how can someone who says they love me shut me out, be so cruel, say such evil words. Depression is an evil mistress and her claws wind in deep.

      I have to remember this … If I give in, she wins.

      I’ve been called numerous names, told that I’m always in the wrong, blamed for everything … And yet then I’m told I’m loved, im the best friend … Do that day in day out and tell me that just occasionally we can’t kick back a bit. We try not to blame the person, or ‘bash’ their attitude – but yeah sometimes I want to, I want to shout, scream, kick punch and hell even leave – my life would be a damn site easier. But I don’t. In sickness and in health, for better, for worse … And he’s my husband. He’s ill. And I love him. I just hate depression, and I hate that sometimes my thought, views and opinions are seeing as not being supportive. Picking yourself up daily, staying positive, staying optimistic, and fighting takes a lot of energy. If you don’t like this article, and think it’s bashing … Think how desperate it is to take all that bashing all the time, and still come back with a smile every day, waiting for the depressed person to recover. To keep the belief that they will come round, that you will have your spouse back again … And in the meantime keep the house running, the kids looked after and protected, the meals cooked, the house cleaned … Just for one minute think about it and accept that depression affects everyone it touches, not just those it infects,

      • i know says:

        Well said. It is loneliness. Watching other couples connect and sit next to your partner knowing they are a million miles away from you. Trying to gather the slightest attention and to be knocked down over and over and over again. Wondering when they say they love u is that even true?. It is a cruel illness that truthfully takes years of a persons life. They are living but are not actually living I lost years of my mum when she had it and I will never get those months/years back. You hold on for those few well months but u cant help grieveing 10 months a year for a person who only exists part time. I wish for a full life not a part time one. Depression hurts and I praise every individual and this forum to make a difference every second matters its a person life they need to get back together.

      • Rachel says:

        Yes yes and yes. My husband of 10 years is depressed and we have 2 young children. The exhaustion and loneliness of it all is the worst. Like you said, I am his best friend and an amazing wife one day to “insert every name in the book” the next. I avoid planning any type of social functions with friends anymore because I never know what mood he will be in. Sometimes I feel like we are the only ones living like this and it’s so nice to know that’s not true.

      • Laura says:

        Well said. This is very much how I feel. I can’t and won’t give in. But it is hard! A little comfort from an article or comment can help renew hope and strength.

  58. Cathy says:

    Hey, I really need some help or an opinion on what’s been going on this past week. Obviously it’s nothing compared to some of the situations I’ve been reading on this but I am desperate! I’ve been seeing somebody the past 5 months, who is on medication for depression. Just recently in the past 3 weeks or so he has started taking steroids for the gym.. I noticed a slight change in him maybe a week and a half ago and just there at the weekend he moved out of his home house due to a fight with his mother.. He hasn’t been taking his medication because he hasn’t been at home! He’s off the medication about 6 days now and he’s become so distant from me and hasn’t made any efforts to see me! The steroids change him as a person, his mother told me this! But now he’s off his medication too! I never knew him when he wasn’t on his medication and don’t know what he was like before he got help.. Is his depression back and is this what’s causing the sudden change towards me?

    • Shell says:

      Get away from the relationship now. As a person suffering from depression I recommend you use this to your advantage and stop the relationship and then find out why you were attracted to him in the first place.
      Take care and know you deserve better so does he and he’s got to figure that out on his own and not at your expense. Would you want a doughnut, sister or friend to go be in this kind of a relationship?
      Hope this helps.

    • Laura says:

      I am an empty husk of a human when I am not on my medication. I stare out the window for hours thinking of all sorts of dark things, and am just mean to my spouse and more flippant to family. When I am on them, I still get depressed but I somehow have the ability to – mostly- ignore it. I can function and actually have fun in many situations. Medication, given its the right combination, changes a person to who they are, without the depression. You’re witnessing the ugly side…like shell said, distance yourself. Be there for him if you wish, i do suggest that so he knows he has at least one person, but don’t let it drain you. Remind yourself though that it’s not him, it’s the depression. It truly is a separate entity.

  59. Hilary says:

    My best friend of 3 years absolutely blew up at me two weeks ago. She said she was depressed and we both had experienced a loss of a close friend in the last three months. It seemed she was trying to phase me out of her life and we had not been close since the death of our friend. I kept asking if she was ok and that I’d be there for her and asking why we weren’t close anymore, I was feeling very upset.
    It came to a head two weeks ago when she went completely mental at me saying I was abusive in the friendship by just taking and taking and blaming everything on her, I never paid for anything, I was a liar and never there for her. She said some very hurtful and completely out of line things to me and I wonder how we for two people to share such a close relationship (everyone could see how close we were), even soulmates, to turn around and say I hate you and I never want to see you in my life again.
    Very out of character and it is only me who she has been nasty to. I just wanted to talk and see what I had done to upset her but the truth is she wasn’t there for me either.
    But it hurts so much that she can cut me off so abruptly, even when she said she wasn’t coping, was not well and suffering depression. Why can she seem to be lovely to other friends and her boyfriend (new of a few months) and do group things with a smile on her face but feel nothing for the friendship loss?
    I am tired of feeling like this and the fact that she treated me so poorly but it still matters to me. 🙁
    Any suggestions on where my friend with depression may be coming from?

    • HG says:

      You posted this a while back, so I’m not sure you’ll see this – but this me. I’m that friend, to an extent. I haven’t blown up (not majorly) with my closest friend but we’ve had many fallouts over the past year or so. We’re both going through tough times and she has been dealing with depression as well, but we handle things much, much differently. She is like you, wants to contact and understand what’s going on whereas I start to feel almost attacked if someone asks how I’m doing or what they did continually. Even if I know deep down that they are hurt too and want to understand why I’m shutting them out and isolating, or getting irritated over small things. It’s dumb. I know it, she knows it.

      All I can say is, distance yourself for a bit if you haven’t already. Text her, keeping distance, letting her know that you’re still there for her but keep things in perspective. Hopefully, she finds that perspective too. I have and me and my best friend are still a little rocky, but we’re trying to get where we were before and I’m so glad to have her still in my life.

      Also, DO NOT beat yourself up. What she may be feeling at that moment is absolutely not what she’ll be feeling once she starts recovery (which I hope she is in the process of since this post). She’ll realize afterwards that her brain was playing tricks on her and making her see things in a skewed manner. That’s the “fun” side of depression. ://

      Keep yourself well and reach out to other friends and family. You’re hurting too and you shouldn’t have to put that aside for anyone else. You need support too. Never forget that.

      I hope everything is going well for you now and you two have since, at the very least, talked about it. You are not at fault. Keep saying that to yourself. It isn’t your fault!

  60. Colin says:

    I had been in a long distance relationship with girl I met on Facebook for about nine months. Over a year ago she sent me a friend request, and she started messaging me almost daily, and we would just talk about anything. We had so much in common that she was like a female version of myself. Things progressed slowly, phone numbers were exchanged and eventually, skype accounts, and before I knew it, we were dating. We both wanted the same thing out of a relationship, marriage, children, and many years of love and happiness seemed in store for us. She was even corresponding with my mother, who really liked her. I flew out to her city last summer to meet her, and everything was perfect, and the chemistry was so intense that the meeting proved to be the best time of our lives. About a month or so later, things started to go downhill. She took my departure from her very hard, but didn’t show it. We also had to keep our relationship a secret because her father didn’t want her seeing me, so that couldn’t have helped. Her FASFA for college was rejected, and she had difficulty finding work and all the while was dealing with a lot of stress at home. All of this, she told me, while our chat sessions began to grow less and less affectionate. She noticed that she was growing more distant, and asked me of it, but she only said she didn’t know why. Soon thereafter, she had tried to kill herself, and called the relationship off after it failed. I managed to talk her out of it, but only for a time. She grew worse, and was usually very moody, irritable, and quiet. It was obvious to me that she was quite removed from our relationship. She ended it last week, saying that her feelings for me just went away, and that she felt only indifference towards me anymore. She also mentioned that she felt worthless, seemingly over being sent home early from work the previous night, and had difficulty sleeping. I have been absolutely devastated by our fallout. Aside from the fact that I had a few choice words for her the day she dumped me, I still wanted to help her out. I contacted some of her family members to see if they could help her, but that has made things worse. Now she won’t even speak to me because she thinks I’ve done it to get back at her. She has become so self-centered that its impossible for her to see reason, or the irrationality of her thoughts. For two months, I have tried and done things to reassure her, and to bring her up, but nothing worked. Now in the aftermath, I don’t know what to do. I keep trying to make sense of all this, but nothing works in my rational mind. The fact that it wasn’t my fault makes it even more unbearable. I feel like I lost my soul mate, for I had never connected so well with a girl before I met her. For the first time in my life, I was completely confident in my other. I didn’t doubt her commitment to me at all, and she did everything she promised while things were good. I’m in utter shock, even a week after that day, which I now think of as my 9/11. What came to be a way of life for me, something I looked forward to with all my heart was taken from me by outside forces of which I cannot explain. I want to believe she will come back to me soon and we can get back on track, but the looming horror in my mind is that she is gone forever. Do relationships ever recover after depression? If the depressed partner is eventually cured or rehabilitated, do they often come back?

    • CRO says:

      your story is so much like mine that it scares me… the only difference is that ive known her for 7 months and she still talks to me every day but only as friends, im so scared, i know its not her, i know she loves me, i know she needs and wants help even though she sometimes deny it. Sometimes i feel she is crying for help but i dont know what to do, i just know i wont give up on her yet and i even scheduled an apointment with a psycologist for me, because i know ill need help to help her help herself, if that makes any sense… I know i cant fix her, she has to do that herself.

      • ACAgirl says:

        Both of your stories sound just like mine. He and I met online even. After our first (and wonderful) meeting, he became depressed after I left. Struggling for two weeks because of that and other major stressors in his life, he called to tell me he could no longer go forward with our relationship.

        He stated over and over that he felt he wasn’t worthy of me, that he could not understand how I love him. He said it was better for him to hurt me now, like this, than “10 times more later because of his life”. That he cant give any commitments because he has to find a way out of this on his own and he doesn’t want to hurt me. Nothing I said could dissuade him.

        He doesn’t sleep, eat, and has not returned any of my calls or texts. He stopped taking his anxiety medication and I recognize this as him being in a depression. I know he loves me, so I decided to give him his space. I wrote him a letter a few days ago telling him I loved him, would respect his need for space, but that I will never abandon him. I also told him in the letter that I don’t expect anything from him, and that I am here for him regardless.

        The pain of this is unreal.

  61. A says:

    I have been with my girlfriend for over 11 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, like everyone does, and have stood together trough it all. Im not sure if these are experiences that bind you like glue, or just weigh on you shoulders in the addition to the stress of life. We recently bought a house together, in hopes of doin things the responsible ways (house, then marraige, then kids). we bought the house in november in new york, so the first few months were cold, and we found ourselves happily together, keeping eachother warm. However, things started to change at the begining of this summer. Both my parents came to visit from out of state, and notified us that they would be staying with us (on and off) for two months. She wasnt too happy about this. I knew it wouldnt be completely easy, living with my girlfriend AND my parents, but i am a very family conscious person, and was excited to see my parents, as well as accept their aid in getting things done in this new home. And boy, did we ever. However this is where my girlfriend started becoming distant. Before my parents had come, she was talking, with excitement, about all the things she wanted to do for the house, and the little projects she wanted to complete. unfortunately, when the time came, she had done nothing. she started two small projects, one which I had finished because she stopped, and another that is yet to be completed. She started becoming more distant. Going “shopping” or “out” more consistantly, visiting her father nearbye (which is fine by me, however it is EXTREMELY out of the norm for her to want to visit her father). We both work long days, and only get to see eachother awake for an hour or two each day, and then we are off to bed, so usually, these two hours meant a lot to us, and even sleeping had its important place with us, or so i thought. Recently she has been spending much, if not all of our “conscious” time together on her new phone or ipad, and our time sleeping (which was very special to me, a time to lay down with the one i love and hug and kiss and cuddle) she now spends either showering until i am fully asleep, or she spends up all night drawing. She states the drawing makes her feel good. I can understand this, I just miss the day where it was ME that made her feel good. Just last night she was drawing until 3 in the morning. at about 2am i felt so uncomfotable in my own bedroom, as if i was a stranger, that i left the room (as if i had to go to the bathroom or get a drink or something), and i went to lay down on the couch. she was drawing with the light on for the next hour and a half, never left the room, and when she was apparently done, she went right to bed. Like she didnt even care where i was, or what happened to me. Im not even sure if she realized i wasnt their. And every morning, before i leave for work, Ill will kiss her, and in doing so, will wake her up so i can tell her i love her, and to be safe, and to have a good day. This morning, i didnt get a word out of her. Not about her wishing me a good day, not about me not being in the bed all night, NOTHING. after 11 years, i do believe that she loves me, but im afraid she does not want me anymore. That she loves me because of the time we’ve spent together, and the comfort that comes with it, but their seems to be no desire in me anymore. This past week i have tried to test some things, and be a little more agressive with my feelings. Randomly grabbing her and hugging her, massaging her neck, back, and body out of nowhere, and kissing her deeply, looking her in the eyes and calling her beautiful, and gorgeous, and sexy, and I hardly get a response. Its usually the same thing I give her, i will barely get back. if i tell her i love her, i will get “love you too”, back. basically whatever i say, she’s a voice recorder, and says the same thing back. I will text her randomly to tell her i love her and/or miss her, and im lucky to get a response. Like last night, i tried everything i could think of to make her feel special and sexy and loved, and she barely even looked at me. I felt like i couldnt even get the time of day from her. its like the house, I put in so much, and i feel like im just here to make her feel good, and make her life easier, but me? ehh, whatever. I want to be on a team with her, but i feel like its just me. And i dont know what to do. I love her, I love being with her, and I love making her happy. It makes me happy. like life fufillment happy. but now i get nothing. I cant make her happy, no matter how hard i try, and i feel as if she could care less about how im feeling. I love her, and i want this to work. I want a wife, i want a happy loving family, i want my old girlfriend back. I miss my best friend and how we used to do everything, and spend every minuted of everyday together, and that was all we needed. Thats all we wanted. I dont want to feel like a stranger in my own bedroom. I want her back

    • Marcus says:

      Hi there mate,

      I read what you wrote and it was very touching and very sweet. You sound like a genuinely kind hearted man with no prejudice or ego, you sound like a good person who deserves the best. 11 years is a very long time to be with someone and this article is about depression, I’m assuming your girlfriend has depression? If so then depression could be an extremely big factor in making your partner feel distant and removed. Depression has a way of eating away at all aspects of life and love and as mentioned in the article it can warp your view of the world drastically and warp your view of loved ones. Perhaps your girlfriend is becoming depressed in the change she has experienced in a new house, her expectations perhaps too high and her ideal world altered by the presence of your parents (something that does not fit her comfort levels?). The thing about depression is that it can make small worries far far bigger than they actually are and those issues compound as a result. My suggestion would be if your girlfriend does has depression to work out a way that she can understand how it effects her actions and her ability to enjoy things. Depressed people become obsessed with certain things that she knows are working, personal and easy, that’s why she draws. A relationship is far more complicated than that, it has the possibility to become full of pressure and worry and it sounds like she is simply removing herself from the worry. Make sure you understand that and if possible try and make her understand it too. Lastly, this might be harder to hear but 11 years can make a relationship go a little dry at times I’m sure, if expressions of love aren’t working then it might be time to show her what she is losing out on if she is getting bored or thinking the grass might be greener. The constancy of a relationship can make you feel trapped if you are unhappy for an unexplained reason. So, my suggestion there is to live your life confidently and happily, don’t be needy or try too hard, let her know in a ‘I don’t care that much but you’re being extremely unappreciative of me’ kind of way that you won’t put up with that. Trying too hard to rectify something can paint it with desperation and confusion. Show her you won’t care if she stops caring, it will make her realise that you, a great boyfriend by the sounds of it, will not be there forever if she is neglectful of you. She may just need a shock to the system for her to realise how much she values being with you. Relationships ebb and flow and it sounds like yours has hit a point where a few unexpected and maybe undefined elements have played a part in making her feel lost. That feeling will only worsen if you try and do the same things. Reorient yourself and remain independent of her attitude and apathy. She will realise that there is no permanency to anything and in turn start to value you more as you are the one who has put up with her indifference, which if she is a mature person will realise that she is behaving in a difficult way and she will come back full of love. If this still doesn’t work, she may just need legitimate time alone to reflect and get perspective. By the sounds of it you are eachothers life partners and the beauty of that is that it is a difficult road to travel, sometimes you need your partner to take some time off travelling in order to realise they will do anything to catch up as you move forward.

    • Alicia says:

      From what you wrote, it’s obvious you know what the problem is.

      No matter how close you are to your parents or how helpful they might be, it is unacceptable to allow them to stay without asking her first. Why should she be interested in projects around the house if she feels like it’s become your childhood home 2.0? To your point about intimacy: that also isn’t sexy.

      She might be depressed, or not, but she is certainly disappointed and angry and hurt — and with good reason. This wasn’t part of the deal you two made, and it’s up to you to take the first step:

      Draw some boundaries with your parents and return to the original plan: a house for the two of you to build a life. She had visions of your domestic tranquility and you deserve to explore them with her (and only her!). After you and your girlfriend get your home the way you want it, you can invite the parents over for a weekend to admire — not build — your nest.

      • Holly says:

        That was my exact thought! If I were her, and I wasn’t asked about my SO’s parents staying that long, I would be very upset! Even asking that is a huge burden to put on someone!

    • Beau says:

      This really touched me as I am going through almost the same thing in life right now with my wife. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for 3 years and have 3 beautiful children together. We to have had our up and downs like any relationship but have always got through on top and been happy. My wife was diagnosed with depression a couple years back and was prescribed medication to treat it but I find regardless of all that she still has her down times in life that bring us both down. She stays distant from me and acts like everything is fine but i know her and can sense when she isn’t her self. No matter how much I have tryed in the past and still try to make her realise the pain and hurt that has been caused and how much we have drifted apart, she still seems to think she isn’t happy with me. I love her so much and couldn’t bare to lose her so I fight like crazy to keep her happy but I find it pushes her away more that way. Some times being quiet and keeping to yourself seems to actually be the answer but than you feel helpless like you aren’t trying anything. I have found this the biggest struggle I have ever faced in my life and I know one day I will have my old wife back but for now I take it day by day and enjoy every smile and good day I get out of her. When you love a person it is amazing the things you will sacrafice and the amount of hurt and pain you will endure just to see them happy again. Nice to know I have others to talk to in times like these as I find my self lost at this point in time and scared to lose the woman in my life that means so much to me. Always here to talk.

  62. Anonymous says:

    My girl is very depressed and has been for a long time she has had alot of dramatic experiences but that is to much to get into, I try to help her through these problems but the more and more I try I keep feeling like there’s nothing I can do and it makes me want to go away from the situation consistently. Are relationship is seriously falling apart there is no intimacy anymore all I get is lashed at for doing things wrong in her eyes I know I havnt been much help in some cases I feel terrible about somethings but I feel that in those situations I just don’t understand and its causing me to lash back at her because I seriously do not know what to do I feel trapped because I want to help her but I feel like I’m digging my own grave at the same time in this I just need to know what i should try and do about this situation I’ve even gone to her mom about it and I feel like I should be able to handle this situation but I just am at my end and I need help

  63. Just An Anon says:

    I want to thank you for this post. It really put a lot of things in perspective about my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years.

    I couldn’t put my finger on why, but it just felt like we weren’t connected like we should be. Plus, he aggravates me because I can’t get him to take care of himself (hygiene, diet, etc.) or do chores, when that’s all I expect him to do (I’m the breadwinner and we live together). I feel like I don’t ask for much and yet I get nothing in return. Nothing we do or don’t do seems to matter to him; he’s more engaged by the computer than me. I’ve had a strong feeling in the last few months that I want to break up, but I haven’t because I love him and I don’t feel like I have a valid reason. I am lucky to have him and he makes my world better; I just worry that I don’t make his better.

    Well, when we first started dating, we connected BECAUSE we are both depressed. I haven’t been to a therapist, and he used to go to one but hasn’t for years. We love each other so much, yet our shared illness doesn’t let us be happy. I’m prone to 1, 2, 3, and 7 while he’s prone to 5 and 9-11. But we’re both guilty of all of these points, to some degree or another.

    This is a wake up call. We both agree we need therapy, but neither of us has acted on it. Now that I have the funds, it’s time. I’m confident that if we do that and apply ourselves to getting better we will have a long and happy relationship. We’re so compatible 🙂

    Thank you!

  64. CK says:

    I’m praying someone responds to this because I dont know what else to do. My wife has been dealing with depression and anxiety for the last couple of years. We’ve been together for almost 25, married for almost 20 and have four children. Five years ago my mom passed. I suffered through a tough time and basically lost my mom’s side of the family because of different issues, so it was a devastatingly difficult time. It took me a while to snap out of it, but I was depressed and Im sure, in the process, neglected whatever my wife may have also gone through in the loss. I never cheated on her, never lost my love for her, and thank her everyday.

    Anyway, she became friends with another female about two years ago, right around her depression beginning. The woman she became friends with has a lot of baggage and is a very negative, needy person. My wife has, over time, completely immersed herself into their relationship, to the point where she often picks her over doing things with her children and myself. Nine out of ten times, she needs to have her friend accompany us on excursions, dinner plans with other friends, etc. I planned a beach vacation with my wife and children for two weeks, and she stated that it was too long of a period of time, that she needed her to come with us for a week at least for her to be able to come. We finally settled on four days. I’ve spoken to the friend and asked her to just give us space and time and to please back off a bit so we can build on our marriage, but she refuses. In fact, since I’ve spoken to her, she’s been more open to being with my wife, and when she isn’t, all they do is text each other.

    I’ve gone to therapy with her, but the therapist was her therapist, and basically said after 6 sessions, that it will be more productive if she only sees her again from this point forward. My wife says she loves me, doesn’t want me to leave. She’s acknowledged that she’s depressed, how it’s a chore to get out of bed each day, that she doesn’t know why she’s like this. I just can’t understand how someone who claims she’s depressed can love to be with one person (her friend) and be totally consumed with what she’s doing, where she is, will she be upset if she is not included, etc, yet not be like that with her husband and children. I’ve even asked if it is sexual in nature between the two of them, and they have both said no. I am at the end of my limits. I know I deserve so much more, but I love her, and this would devastate my children.

    My wife has been on medication for the past four months, but it has just made her indifferent. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is going on with her.

    • Anonymous says:

      I understand women need other women to hang with, and men need male companionship. But there does need to be some time without the friends around. Something catastrophic must have happened to her that changed who she is if it was all of a sudden.

      Maybe try asking her to cooperate with you and let her know you need her physically and emotionally to be your friend. That you are lonely without her.

      Or if you have a male friend that you fish, hunt or have a hobby with. Start bringing them over all the time..while she has her friend over…3’s company, four’s a crowd…haha. See everyone’s reactions to it….Or hang out with your wife and her friend and be overly friendly to them, like another one of the girls, see if it annoys them..

      Take your kids and go do something with them without her if needed and let her see you aren’t going to sit around and mope with her. Don’t let your kids suffer bcuz she doesn’t have her act together.

      Be there for her if she has a breakdown, but I wouldn’t let her be manipulative with you and your childrens emotions.

      • CK says:

        Thank you so much for your reply… things have gotten better. I have done some of the things you have suggested and I pray that she realizes how important she is to her family.

  65. Fed up says:

    Can anybody help me. My husband of 22 years changed from a loving attentative man in November last year to an addy blaming man. Over the last 8 months he has done some really bad things to me he has told me perhaps our marriage has come to the end of the line he has moved out he has kick me out of our home and we spent 1month apart. He has cheated on me with a women at work who is 26 and he is 47 I found this out when eventually he went to the docs and was diagnosed with depression. He was having a relation to the meds and his little fling came out I have stood by him throughout all this as I always knew he was ill. But I am struggling to come to terms with what he has done. Before he went to the docs I got stronger and decided enough was enough I asked him to move out and I decided to get on with my life without him he lasted 3 days then came back saying he was sorry and wanted to try again and take me away for a break unfortunately I had booked a holiday with a friend so said I couldn’t he moved back in on the Friday he took me out for breakfast Saturday am then took me to the airport at 12 I text him rang him and face time him hilts I was away. Then ( days into my holiday and with a week left to go he text,e to say he had made a mistake and couldn’t do it anymore. My god he ruined my holiday and my friends I have never been treated as bad in my life. It’s was just after that he went to the docs and depression was diagnosed. Then after that he admitted to the fling with he other women I’m trying to get over what he has done he is better with me now but still distant and not back to his old self. He has treated me so badly I am finding it hard to forgive him. We haven’t discussed this other women as I don’t want to make him feel any worse than he is as he is still not well but he has step kids older than her and he ha streamed the family so badly also that it’s so hard for me to just move on. I need to know when I should sit down with him and talk through what has happened and why without making him more depressed can anybody advise or has anybody been through the same as me please help

  66. JD says:

    Reading this article speaks to me and tells me that I’m not alone. My wife suffers from depression and our relationship seems to constantly get worse. We’ve been married for nine years. When we first met and the year and a half we dated prior to getting married, she was pleasant, nice, charming and generally fun to be around. Once we were married, the mask fell off and it feels like I’m with someone totally different.
    She won’t take medication or see a therapist. She says any medication will just interfere with any migraine meds she has to take, and there’s no way she wants to tell a complete stranger about her issues.
    I feel that I take the brunt of everything. On some days I feel as though the only words she says to me are negative, critical things. On mornings when she wakes up in a bad mood, she acts angry, is non-communicative, and negativity just hangs in the air.
    She is very controlling. Everything has to be done exactly the way she thinks they should be done. She never views something as just a different way, but the wrong way or her way, which in her opinion is always the right way. There are days when she makes me feel as though nothing I do is right.
    She’s very self-absorbed and selfish. Every conversation is about her. She has certain expectations about how I should respond or actions I should do, and when I don’t do or say something in the way that she expects I should, then she gets angry and condescending towards me.
    I often feel that I’m at a loss as to what to do. Her family knows how she is. Her father has told me before that I’m his hero and that if my wife didn’t have me, he knows she would be alone because no one else could deal with her.
    It’s very hard because I have always been a naturally positive and optimistic person. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m never given any respect or courtesy, and always made to feel like I’m the bad guy. I work a full time job in the corporate world, do all the cooking, 98% of the cleaning, laundry, taking trash out, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, etc. My wife has a small business as a photographer working out of our home and has been very successful doing it. The only thing she does is her photography business, and taking care of our 2 dogs and 2 cats. If I ever say anything about her helping out, I get preached at about how much work she has, how tired she is, how little time she has, how stressed out she is, etc. The only contributions she makes around the house are projects that she takes on like cleaning out and rearranging shelves/pantry, whatever and the entire time I have to listen to numerous sermons about how I didn’t do something right, I should do such and such a certain way, etc.
    I’m sorry this is so long. It’s just so draining. I feel like I’m slowly coming to the realization that the real courage doesn’t come from living with someone like this, but in making the decision to break free and not live your life being drowned by them.

    • AW says:

      Hi JD.
      Reading your story was like I was reading that of my own, albeit that my wife and I havent been married for quite as long.
      It can be, from my experience, a soul destroying thing to try and accomodate for all that a depressed partner can throw at you.
      Luckily, my wife still has good days where she seemingly breaks free and for however short an amount of time it lasts until she gets pulled under again, it reminds me who I fell in love with and why.
      I truly think that you were right in the first instance before your realisation, that the courageous thing to do would to be to hang in there. Love conquers all.

    • Helen says:

      I can really relate to this, as the woman in the situation. I’m even a photographer, but I spend most of my time looking after our 3 year old who has cystic fibrosis. I have a kind of cyclical depression, which I have recently identified as most likely being PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder- an extreme type of PMS), I am literally going to see the doctor today about it. I think this affects more women than we realise, and I would encourage people to check it out if they are experiencing symptoms like what you both describe. I am reluctant to use anti-depressants as I don’t think they solve the base problem, but there may be contraceptive pills that help, among other things. After I ovulate, I am back to being a wonderful person again- for about a week to 10 days, then it’s back to migraines, moods, and depression. It’s a pretty awful cycle to go through, and I really feel for my partner who gets the brunt of it, I really hope I can find a solution.

    • Grant Nonymous says:

      That’s like my story too.
      Only I have 4 kids with her and we’ve been married 15 years.

      I keep thinking that our relationship should be more positive than negative. She spent a month in the hospital a year ago for depression, and our relationship hasn’t been much fun since. And it’s very hard on our kids to be around a depressed role model I think. But what do I do? She’s their mom.
      My biggest irk is that after the hospital, and to some extent before, she has had no desire for sex and makes it clear that “until she feels loved enough and all her needs are being met” that it’s not happening. Try meeting those criteria with a very depressed person! Futile.
      I think her neglect of me is a form of abuse, whether it’s from depression or not, and I feel like if I stay with her I’ll have a difficult miserable life and die young. I know she associates me as the cause of a lot of her problems, unjustified in my opinion. But I think if I left she might find healing using me as a scapegoat. And I would find a happier life too.
      Because we have these kids I have tried to just take the emotional punches and stay on with her. I’m not sure even that’s the best idea for them.

  67. Terri says:

    My husband of 30 years is suffering a very severe depressive episode. He left Feb 2014, was in an affair and has done and said some pretty horrible things. He has tried to return several times only to run off again or start his affair again. During those times he was home it was horrible. He was very self involved, all about him, saying and doing things to hurt me and our daughter on purpose. This is not the man I was married to. The break came after his mother died.
    The last attempt that he made at coming home I had to ask him to leave. It was the hardest thing ever. But the abuse that is inflicted when depression hits your partner can be overwhelming. I felt I had to protect myself emotionally even though asking him to leave was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
    He is asking again to come home. We have spent some time together but already he is back to his abusive state and I have had to cut off contact. As a wife who loves her husband so very much, this choice is just killing me. He has moments of clarity but will not get help so they are fleeting.
    I didn’t want to walk away but I could not let him stay and behave the way he does in front of our child.
    I feel so very guilty, but flaunting his affair in our face, belittling us, lying, being aggressive, blaming me for everything and not taking any responsibility was draining me. Our daughter needs a parent who is able to function reasonably and if I had let him stay I think I would have joined him in depression. I’ve barely escaped it as it is.
    This illness destroys families. The pain it leaves in it’s path is almost unbearable. When my husband has that moment of clarity I can see the pain in his eyes and face. That look will always haunt me. That I am capable of walking away from the person I love most when he is so lost is just the lowest feeling ever. But I have no choice. I just hope one day he will get help.

  68. j says:

    I have major depression and experienced all of these problems through relationships in my 20’s. I dated 3 successful college graduates. Once they found out I took an SSRI all three said I didn’t need medication. It hurt their egos dating a woman with a problem. When I quit like an idiot all 3 times these 11 problems you mention would flare up and it would be over. I finally have a partner who doesn’t shame me it badger me for my condition.

  69. Nikki says:

    My husband and I just read your article and it hit home so hard he cried. You see he has been shutting me out for several years off and on. Intimacy, sex, was far and few between–he would say it was him not me. He began to watch TV a lot, withdrawing, and just there. I noticed his changes, more so with us intimately, but never thought it was depression. December of 2013, he lost his mother (she was 89)–my husband was 55. This was very hard, since it was his only living parent. He showed his feelings at the funeral, but not afterwards, nor did he talk about it. As time went on, he began to withdraw from me even more, to the point that in September of 2014 he would hug me at a distance and kissed me as though I was his aunt. I asked what was wrong and he told me he didn’t have feelings for me…that ended with him crying later saying he loved me and it was him–he then lied that he had a porn addiction bc truly he was having an affair. I found this out in early April 2015. He came to me after I kicked him out and said how he was so in love with me, always had been, always will be. He said it wasn’t him that had the affair, it was a very confused person, one who couldn’t make decisions, wasn’t clear at anything, couldn’t feel anything, in a funk, etc….of course I couldn’t buy that. We’ve gone to intensive couples therapy where our therapist said that my husband was suffering from depression and has been –shutting people out, especially me. Again, I respected depression but not an excuse to have an affair (BTW–the person he had the affair with sought him out, worked on him for several months before he submitted to her pursuits) bc it’s a choice. He has told me that it wasn’t emotional, she said nice things that made him feel good, then it got out of hand, and he followed everything she said, and then he didn’t know how to get out of it, plus if he told me (bc I confronted him and asked him if he was having an affair with this person bc she would post inappropriate things on his facebook for a married man) he knew he would lose me bc I would leave him for doing this so he lied to cover up, keep us together and he continued the affair bc he didn’t know how to get out. So we have been trying to recover, going to intensive couples therapy, reading, etc. The one thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was this feeling of confusion, he couldn’t get out–didn’t know what to do, was confused, in a fog–and that he said it was just to hear those nice words–the sex was simply an act–no passion or attraction in this affair except to get the rush, and feel good about himself for the time. Your article helped me to understand the inside thinking of the depressed mind for the passive depressive state. When I had my husband read this yesterday, he wept–saying that is what I felt, that is what I did, I was so depressed and I didn’t know that I was depressed until our therapist said I was depressed, but didn’t truly understand all of it until I just read a synopsis describing me and my thinking/feeling. Although I know we have a long journey–I feel like your article has allowed my husband and I to connect with a true understanding…I’ve shared it with others too, in hopes it helps them. Thank you!

  70. thought I was alone says:

    Well , I am not in a relationship anymore. I have broken up with my ex several months ago , but stopped talking to him two months ago , but I contacted him again on his birthday on June 27th to find out that he became a whole new person !! He has never been that cold and rude with others. It’s like he does his best in order to keep his response as short as possible. Most of the things mentioned in this article , I have experienced it with him and today he asked me ” why I still know a bad person like he is ? ” I kept trying to convince him he wasn’t like that in my eyes , yet he kept warning me from talking to him saying that he will cause me harm and I will regret it , I know it was his depression talking not him , I knew he was trying to push me away , I wanted to stay by his side but I had to leave because I already suffer from anxiety and his words triggered it. I really wanna know how i could help him , though ? he doesn’t live in the same city , and when I tried to suggest treatment , he completely refused he was like ” Do I seem to you like I need help ? I am fine ” I don’t know but I never saw this aggressive as I did today. I am really worried about him.

    • Kenny says:

      Hi, thought I was alone,

      I hope you find this reply useful if not just don’t read it. I haven’t tried sharing about my relationships but I seem to be having the exact same issue your ex has.

      I’m suffering from a kind of post traumatic stress disorder that I can’t seem to get help for no matter whom I ask because mental healthcare in Asia is just lacking and many people don’t understand that young people are -not- emotionally immune somehow to the things around them.

      Anyways I have an endless storm of problems for the past decade stemming from my father and elder brother (both big salary earners) leaving the family leaving me to try and care for my elderly mom alone and I haven’t even finished school at that point.

      After many years of trying to slog through school (barely passing) and doing shit low paying jobs I seem to have accumulated a lot of rude habits and generally feel that the only thing keeping me together is anger and I generally act like the symptoms presented in this article.

      I also do warn people to stay away from me because I have problems with associating friends with enemies or letting my work stress get into the home or personal relations. I also don’t talk about my problems because a lot of people where I live have a culture of pretending to help by asking what’s wrong then spreading it to the whole world to name and shame.

      So yeah, I am a bad person – but back on track to your issue, I think what I appreciate most is my girlfriend being very tolerant of me. I wish I can thank her more for the kind of concern you are showing but I can’t find a way to express it to her. Because while we were just pursuing a casual relationship her family made up all kinds of stories about me (they never talked to me at all) to infuriate me and keep me out of the house, so to speak.

      But her listening to me and saying nice things definitely helps calm me down and makes me think of what I’m really working towards regardless how ugly the world is. In my opinion the fact that his anger… is somehow keeping him together, is nothing out of the ordinary. People facing excessive stress kind of act this way and the thing people like me appreciate in depression is someone saying they understand and they respect my desire for distance and not to force oneself to try and help.

      The fact is if someone took my anger away from me I would not be able to handle the kind of nonsense people throw on my plate all day long. That’s all I have left to keep things under control and I guess it’s human nature we keep simple effective measures at hand to “protect” oneself. I know it sounds sick but… remember there’s no help for me here not in this country and not in stupid Oriental culture that operates in some kind of one track mind stereotyping everyone and desiring to let their neighbors die alone.

      • thought I was alone says:

        Thank you so much for taking time to write me this ! I am really sorry about what happened to you but you know , there’s no strong person with an easy past. I really admire and appreciate standing by your family and looking after them and handling such great responsibility alone ( though as you have right towards your family you still have rights towards yourself , and you should make sure you look about yourself as well ) I know words are way more easier than action , but one should at least do their best in order to keep themselves physically and mentally healthy. I can really relate to your words as Mental Health Care where my ex and I live lack many things as well. So , I doubt they can be effective but as the saying goes ” If you never try , you’ll never know ” so they might make us feel better and improve our mental health for just a little bit at least , but I am sure they can do something. They might not be fully efficient but they are aren’t completely useless as well.

        Concerning my ex , I believe he has been facing a lot of stress for the past several months or maybe for almost a year now. This stress and pressure overexerted all his energy that it would deprive him from sleep. I remember seeing him awake for almost all the day or most of it and just getting veryyy few hours of sleep and his exams were literally endless. All that affected our relationship of course because at that time we could barely talk for 5 minutes straight , and I am not actually exaggerating. Anyway , I remember him complaining about this a lot to me. Despite of how terrible felt because of him being distant and that time , I had been always supportive , tolerant and there for him anyway . He is the most one that knows that among all the people he knew in his life , I had been the most understanding one. Though his words were so triggering to my Anxiety ( I can’t help that , he knows that this behavior can be an enough reason for me to cut off my contact with people , yet he did so ) , the only thing that made me feel a bit comfortable was when he told me ( If I wanted to harm you I would have done it already. But you’re not on my list and you won’t ever be on it. But always stay away of bad guys though “including himself ” ) Whenever I said that if that what he wants , then I will respect his decision. He would just say that whether I stay or not , that’s MY own choice , he has nothing to do with it and he doesn’t push me or force me to do anything ( i think he doesn’t wanna be blamed for me leaving him , so he kept emphasizing that it was my choice , though it really wasn’t i did that because of him )

        But I managed to keep a distance and help him by praying for him since that is all what I got , well I might secretly try to stalk him to know his updates or whether he is okay or not because that’s all what matters to me.

        I am so sorry for typing all that , i know that my reply is full of insignificant details. But my real question is :
        1- Was it the right thing to do when I stayed away of him and stopped offering help after he warned me ?
        2- If so , then should I just cut ALL my contact with him forever ? or shall I just keep a distance but still ask about him every now and then ?

        • Kenny says:

          Hi again,

          I’m glad the reply reached you so quickly, although your reply was from a few weeks ago I found it perhaps the most relevant one to me although I’m on the opposing end of things. Your insight and observations are definitely most welcome but more on that later.

          To answer your query, asking if it’s the right thing to do to stay away, I would stand for you on that one.

          As funny as it sounds “safety is no. 1 priority” in basically everything we do including a relationship. Even a non-romantic one. Why do I say this?

          Different people have different levels of needs, according to theories of psychology as understood today. If a person feels threatened until they can no longer function, it’s very possible that even love isn’t a priority for him or her, unless you can get rid of the overriding danger – I believe the concept of love is actually overruled when there are for instance, physical dangers, critical financial burdens, or for your ex’s case, the pressure to score in exams first.

          There’s two things we can take away from this observation, one is, the exams are his no. 1 stressor here and it is actually an admirable thing that he is such a focused person. He has perhaps been brought up to think that sometimes in life, he has only one chance to get it right and is thus focusing all his attention on his grades. To him, academics at least for that difficult time are going to be the no. 1 priority, even above his own mental and physical health.

          I am not exactly criticizing him, but rather the opposite. I had recently recovered from two major setbacks to my career. First, as a legal executive I became the scapegoat for a market downturn (don’t ask why ha!) and my employers thought I would be the perfect person to blame, even if, yes, in the grand scheme of things I’m at the same level as the junior secretaries there. Gave me no end of insomnia which affected sleep in turn affected moods negatively, etc.

          Thankfully one day I just snapped and walked out of there without guilt, became an IT engineer, huge international sporting event came up, management was incompetent, resulting in me becoming a team leader taking charge of IT support and logistics in a whole cluster of sports venues – duty hours for me became 4am to 2am plus the stupid Oriental management again had a liking for bullying and threatening their own workforce making for a potential Hunger Games style revolution if not for my going overtime and solving their nonsense for them.

          In both instances my relationship with my friend deteriorated because I became irritable to the point that I absolutely do not wish to talk about the things that go on in my workplace. She doesn’t have work experience and often makes ridiculously selfish and rude remarks on the kind of things I experienced. I told her if I had to teach her to say nice things it’ll be better if she plain didn’t look me up at all, as although I quite despise the Oriental way of corporate management doing nothing to fix things until they blew up completely, they are actually trying their best to keep things moving amid pressure from the organizing committees and unexpected situations developing as the Games progressed.

          Ditto when I was told by my manager in the law firm to pick up his phone call on his behalf, and 10 seconds later he was within spitting distance shouting and screaming at me to put down the phone – I would have appreciated discretion and professional respect that I nearly reported this “senior” lawyer to the police, but no, she just asked for all the details then proceeded to declare that this was amusing to her, period. As bad as my depression/PTSD is, making a joke out of what I’m dealing with in the workforce is plain bad taste and I would just reply in kind, saying it’s effing ridiculous I just lost my future (again) because someone decided I was his punching bag for the day.

          The workplace was no longer safe and despite counseling the employer continued to act “off” and I walked out the next week after taking an additional months’ pay.

          As for my friend and I – the fact that I have my angry episodes makes me unpopular in her family. But that’s not my problem – they have been disapproving of me ever since I showed my face a long time ago – there was no romantic notion at all because my main goal was teaching an autistic girl to develop and make use of creative talents, and use her positive reaction to science and technology to score consistent A’s each semester, some people would *specially ask me by whispering in my ear* if there was some love affair between us and start gossiping behind my back. I’ve had vacations ruined from this blackmail so we often *pretend* to be utterly and completely rude towards each other (on purpose!) but if anyone asks they can always pull us aside and we’d say there’s no argument at all and this is how we communicate – welcome to Aggressive Negotiations 101! We find since people will misunderstand us and fabricate stories of us doing illicit things, we’re one day going to use anger to solve the problem once and for all!

          And yeah, that’s why she and I still talk one on one and we are going to insist if anyone has a problem with us both they should learn to call me personally. Or I will be really displeased!

          But back on topic – I’m thinking you could use the same strategy to find common ground between yourselves – exams thankfully come with a great stress reliever at the end when all the burning midnight oil has suddenly become unnecessary as it’s all over. His dedication to his grades could be something worth talking about and congratulating, I’m sure he would be very happy at a young lady coming to him telling him about his grades – focusing on his hard skills and hopefully neatly going around his emotional vulnerabilities. Men after all are focused creatures under stress and tend to not want to talk about “how they feel” or if “they’re ok” when there’s some big goal or challenge ahead of them.

          In this I don’t think you need to cut contact with him, but when things are calmer between yourselves, I would in your shoes try to probe abit if he’s open to talking about what he said last time. An opener such as “you got really angry at me last time, and I was very scared. Do you still hate me?” – might be a completely over the top conversational trap but I’m sure you can adapt it and get a litmus test of his moods and whether you’re equipped or able to assist him in his next quest!

          Sorry I don’t have a lot of practise with handling sensitive emotions, but I thought I might, once again openly share some of my current problems and why the heck do I say anger is my best defence because some people don’t listen when I’m under fire and need time to fix things ,or even because I am going to get a bad rep no matter what because I live in Asia but I don’t look like any of the locals here and that gets me wrongfully stereotyped (I thought it’s supposed to be a cultural melting pot, but no, I have to fake an accent from some other racial minority to get any sort of recognition / approval).

          • thought I was alone says:

            Yeah , I check my mail so frequently and I really hoped my reply would reach you quickly and I am glad it did.

            It seems that a lot of people give you a hard time whether in work or social life. I am sorry you have to deal with all that. Completely knowing how you feel and is what makes me face some difficulty in finding the right words to say , but I really hope things get better for you soon. I know that not being understood and having someone to belittle the amount of hardships you face is pretty annoying , but we’ve all been there and we have done that to others at least for once ( whether intentionally or not ). But guys , if people won’t stop talking nor making up stories out of no where , why would you care about what they say ? I know doing this is hard , but it would make life way more easier though. You know what , I really envy those who are even-tempered , I find them lucky to be honest !

            You know , I was so hesitant about talking to him again on his birthday. I really preferred staying away and what made me feel more comfortable about it was that at that time we did end things in the most respectable and good manner. ( I don’t know why but If i had to end my relationship with some people , I always prefer to do it in a good manner. Good endings / goodbyes are so important to me ) I believe this is why I always feel guilty for choosing not to talk to him after what he did last time , though I did my best to make sure I was good and nice till the end. But yeah , you’re right about saying that safety is no.1 priority and to be honest , I will always feel so worried and anxious whenever I would talk to him now , so I guess it’s better that way. I know that our relationship at that time wasn’t his priority and because I cared about his studies ( because after all , it’s his future that I was going to share him in back then ) so yeah , I had been both tolerant and patient. But because things were really hard for us at that time , we both agreed that he was too busy to be in a relationship.

            I don’t really think it’s that simple. By the end of the last semester he told me he decided to give up because all his energy was drained , he reached to the point where he stopped caring about his future. I asked him to tell me how he did when he knows his results and he said he would , yet he didn’t actually do so and when I asked him again he said he didn’t wanna get his results nor didn’t he wanna know them. He’s already in his vacation but his mental condition and insomnia is still as bad as ever or even worse. I am 100% convinced now , that being beside him won’t help especially that we’re living in different cities and I don’t get to see him. I can’t offer much of help while being distanced.

            No , not at all your replies really helped ! Thanks a lot for sharing this to me and taking time to read my comment in the first place and reply to it. You have no idea how much time I spent looking for someone who understands to help me in this and from what you told me about what you experience you helped understand what my ex is going through and why he acts that way. I would still prefer to keep a distance from him though. Anyway , i told him i would be there whenever he needs help and i guess that is all what i could do.

        • Kenny says:

          Thanks for your reply again – it’s really helpful to get a fresh perspective on things and I’ve thought through the points you mentioned, about ignoring the annoying people instead of responding to them in the manner of a typical Army drill sergeant.

          I used to be the victim of a lot of gossip from my elementary school days; that was completely harmless and probably unavoidable considering I quite disliked the way other boys had little respect for authority and for women, so my parents taught me to simply endure and not give in to any provocation.

          But when I grew older I realized the kind of treatment I’m getting was actually causing severe damage to my income and my career prospects. Since, whomever’s doing the gossiping usually happens to be near to the paymasters, I can get forgotten at the bottom of the organization chart while someone else takes credit for my achievements and moves up.

          That all changed when I was exposed to workplace bullying in a female working environment with male-dominated management (a quite chauvinistic law firm). It was a place where absolutely no tolerance should be shown to gossipmongers who abuse their position, affect others’ peace of mind in the workplace and make a fool out of themselves in company functions (since everyone knows who the real performers are meeting clients and doing the real case work). And since then I’ve run a tight ship not really letting anyone close.

          I can make friends of both genders fine and certainly enjoy a good intimate frienship, but the only people I really trust to share my mind with, are people on the far side of the world. Like your good self, you seem to have a good grasp of my situation, and my motivation for being as I am, and able to analyze the root cause and see that there are indeed simple and very useful solutions to work around them.

          I don’t have rapport with “real” people near me, because local culture seems to make people indoctrinated to accuse others of wrongdoing by default, blame them for their suffering and generally make an ass out of even simple conversations (Yes, like belitting me when I’m trying to work, study & pursue a romance at the same time, omg, I’m not young anymore lol)

          I do thank you for taking the time to read my no doubt quite large and furious sounding posts. Honestly talking to you, and a few other people I’ve met on chatrooms this week has done * a great deal * to remind me that yes, there is humanity and civilization out there somewhere!

          I’d love to keep in touch somehow without spamming this chat comments but no idea if posting my email addy is even allowed here.

          But anyways – on your ex. It’s normal to be anxious about checking one’s exam results. Especially the way he went “balls to the wall” (ahem, that’s “full throttle” in Air Force jargon) in making the effort! He’ll need to get ahold of himself eventually, and as a man, let’s say we do have our usual ways of stress relief that can break him out of that temporary setback.

          Even small things like playing a video game, riding a bike or taking a brisk drive in the countryside can be a huge inspiration to a depressed man, although I don’t recommend the latter unless he has discipline and a lot of nice open roads (ahem, safety again lol)

          • thought I was alone says:

            Hey again ! 🙂

            The only reason I would think people would do that is that you seem to be a successful person in your career , or you may be more hard-working than other. I don’t know but I don’t see why would anyone care to get someone down unless that person is already ahead of them or there’s a possibility that this person would be and take their place in the future ?! Of course , everything in the world has limits and when gossiping and people’s talks and stories start to threaten your career , then a firm reaction must be indeed taken but that seemed to have affected your personality in general that anger became your perfect response to everything in life , even to the smallest ones. You know , a little indifference is always good ( for the sake of your inner / mind peace ) !
            Thank you so , I am glad I helped a bit 🙂 and yeah I can relate to your words as the most people who really care about me and can be trusted are thousands of miles away , I don’t get to see them but once every few years or something. But I am grateful for having them in my life or meeting them in the first place , so it’s fine I wouldn’t complain about the distance much.
            You don’t have to thank me at all 🙂 Though , I am aware that bad people exist in this world and we can’t help but deal with them sometimes , I never knew they could be so many ! Luckily , I haven’t met much of them and I could avoid and keep a healthy distance with the ones I got to see. But even with those I had to deal with , I had always been nice to them , so they don’t just focus on me that much ( not because of fear though , it’s more because of the nature of my personality but you know what , i find it wise to win over such type of people to your side at least to keep them ” tamed ” if I can use that expression. )

            I would love keeping in touch as well but don’t know what is considered acceptable here. Got twitter or something though ? 😀

            Well concerning my ex , I hope he would be able to overcome that setback ( though I sometimes wonder whether he really treats everyone that way or is it just me ?! )
            You have just reminded me of the thing he is managing to do ( he wanna buy a motorbike ) but I don’t really think he is the type who would follow instructions and stuff as I believe most guys find fun in taking risks and so does he , which makes me worry about that issue more.

        • Kenny Koh says:

          Hey I just wanna let you know I got your reply by email, although I think here the message got cut off or deleted soon after you posted.

          I respect the admin’s decision to cull any post with web addresses or personal contact info for obvious reasons, but I think here I should petition for a waiver. You really helped me through this week. I felt like crap having my relationship broken up by vengeful parents just because I act differently under pressure and I am of a difference race/culture.

          I tried to make as many friends I could both offline and online but ultimately the cure for depression right now seemed to be trance music (lol the irony) and talking to my friends on the wrong side of the world.

          I think we should deserve the chance to share our contact info for once here, since you’re subscribed to the thread, just maybe you can pick it off your inbox or something.

          My email’s kennykoh84 at gmail and twitter is @ baconspaceprog
          You can also try clicking my name and see if there are any hints for you to track me down!

          Let’s keep up the banter and maybe we’ll find a way for you to help your ex better – a motorbike’s a great stress reliever and he might enjoy learning to maintain the machine by himself but it does need discipline especially if your country has little or no restrictions on bike horsepower or engine capacity. As far as I know from personal experience, starting off with a big machine is a terrible idea for a novice as a momentary mistake can have a lasting consequence. Lets hope he doesn’t go that far yet 🙂

          • thought I was alone says:

            Hey Kenny ,

            I have already checked your twitter , but just to make sure the results were for an account called ” Les Toreadors ” ? that is you , isn’t it ? I have already started following you now.
            But are you sure that the your email at gmal is correct though ? because I couldn’t find any results.

            To be honest , I personally believe that motorbikes aren’t actually that safe especially where I live since traffic isn’t that great. So , the whole thing makes me worry about him but he won’t listen to me anyway.

            I am so glad I helped , and I should thank you for helping me as well. I am looking forward to hearing from you !

    • Hey thought I was alone,

      I sent an email off to John, the webmaster, but he’s probably flooded with personal requests (as per his guidelines) so I’m just putting my details here. Since I have your consent to keep in touch (and it would be really, really nice to get your opinion without a 1-2 days wait on comments approval) I had petitioned John to let us get in touch, and hopefully John would assist in emailing you or I our mutual contact details too.

      If not I have my twitter link on the website here, earlier posts have my youtube channel link ( you can pm me there with a gmail account) if not just read the name here 🙂

      Hope to hear from you soon, ma’am 🙂

      • thought I was alone says:

        Oh okay , I could find your gmail account finally 😀 Now , I have followed you on both !

        • Kenny Koh says:

          Great, feel free to send me a mail or pm on twitter sometime. I have no idea where you are lol!

          Nice talking to you once again and thanks for following up. I was feeling down for the whole of this week and it was nice to hear (read, rather!) a friendly voice.

  71. mab says:

    This is by far the best article that I have ever read on this subject. My spouse pretty much suffers only from the aggressive side of depression where me and the kids are blamed for everything that is wrong in his world. We have been married for some time and I had hoped with age that perhaps it would get better. If anything, it has gotten worse. My spouse goes for days without even getting out of bed and speaking with anyone. it is taking a tremendous toll on the family. And when I suggest counseling, the response is that he is fine but I am the one with problems so I should go. And he drives himself further into depression by bringing up arguments from years ago that were never even important enough to argue over then. He wants to control everyone in the world around him. Everything has to be on a tight schedule, and if something strays from it, that’s another reason to stay depressed for days. I am sure within the next few days he will finally speak to me and just say he wants a divorce as usual since I have totally ruined his life. He has not held down a job in years. And when I mention that I am working two or three jobs to support the family, he argues that all I am interested in is money. How are we supposed to live and survive without someone paying the bills? Do you see any hope for this? Thanks to everyone else for sharing their painful stories. It makes you feel not so alone

    • beenthere says:

      Read relationship fallout. It is about the effects depression has on a partner. Please take time a realise that you deserve better. You deserve 100% love, commitmen, honesty and support from your partner. The reality is if they do not take any medications or seek counselling then it will continue a lifetime. Not only does it suck out the life of them if will you and your children. It takes a brave person to realise that your life is worth saving too. Your relationship is failing on every level and although you dont realise it there are many people out there for you. You need to tell your partner to get help and make a plan of the future. Also make a plan if it doesnt work out. Plan a and b. In time it helps as you will see there is a solution. Ive been there i wasted ten years and realised he never really cared he just couldnt and needed to be on his own or with someone that took it. Good luck. In time you will learn alot from it and can help others either way I hope it works out for you .

  72. Sophie says:

    Help and advice needed! I have noticed my husband emotionally blocking me out. I dont feel his love. Confronted him and he said he had felt like this towards me for 6 months blaming me. I have my own issues yes and not always easy but this us a shock. I asked if he was depressed and he said no. He has work pressure and seem stressed. We have two kids under 5 and my whole life has collapsed. He said he would take time out and think what he wants to do, I cannot bare this. I feel I dont know him. He blames me for taking his independence, I had no idea. How will I manage to wait for him to dump me when I have two kids:( .

  73. John says:

    After reading all of these inputs I honestly don’t feel alone anymore. I have been going through this crazy rollercoaster ride with my 4 year girlfriend. After 7months into our relationship I had the chance to move to another country. The economy and job oportunity from where I’m from is horrible and I spent a full year without a job and this was breaking me. I was 25 and still living with my parents, so I felt useless. The chance came for me to go overseas but being in new relationship it was a very hard choice. I felt that I was putting financial gain as a first priority and family as second. Speaking to my girlfriend she helped and motivated me to not give up. So I went. We made expectations because this new country could open many doors for as well. So the first few months we chatted on skype everyday. We maintained a very strong relationship even though it was long distance. I went back and forth several times to see her and family and I surprised her once for Christmas when she completely believed we wouldn’t spend it together. Some time goes by and with much talk she decides to join me and I was thrilled! First few months were amazing, then all started going down hill. One morning she calls at work saying she is having heart palpitations and difficulty breathing. So, I jet out my job, hazard lights on and I am flying down the highway. Take her to the hospital and she does many many tests. Only thing noticeable was her iron count that was low but not anemic. She starts with the iron supplements and iron rich food but her mood and vitality are totally changed. We keep going for more blood tests and it showed that her iron levels were improving. She was always tired with occasional back paines, chest pains, shoulder pain and others…all of the above but never two at the same time. She called me again at work with another crisis and again I jetted to the hospital and they found nothing. That’s when it dawned on me and I realized that she was going through a sort of acute anxiety or depression. As soon as I suggested what I thought it could be I was immediately labeled the insensitive. That I don’t know what she’s going though or that I don’t care. Those accusations didn’t make sense to me because I did care and I did all that I physically and emotionally could. Things kept getting worse. I was being drained at work and couldn’t find peace at home. I naturally broke down as well but always tried to be strong. I would try to motivate her, go for walks , go for a drive, enjoy music together, I would put my hand on her chest and do breathing exercises to help her find peace. I would surprise her with a gift every once and a while to make her happy and see her smile. I went all out for her birthday to make it a great day and for one small miscommunication she yelled I ruined her day and slammed the door. I was going nuts, the more good I try to do the more slaps I got across the face. Naturally I began to fall in a dark hole as well and I somewhat closed myself. Many things I would say to encourage her, she would change it around by misinterpreting it and blaming me for it. It happened so many times. One day we exchanged some meaner words and she again went into the room and slammed the door. I go in after her and I’m expressing that all I want is to help and she is yelling for me to get lost. Out of pure frustration I punched the bed and a piece of wood broke off and hit her in the head. That one second moment will haunt me forever. Moment that she cannot forget. She eventually moved back to our home country but I went with her as her emotional state wouldn’t allow her to fly alone. The whole entire flight she held on to me as if at any second the plane would drop. I held her the whole time comforting her. I love her beyond words. I stayed a month with her in our country. She still didn’t feel better. Recently she bagan treatment and has started to feel better but now is questioning our relationship and exposing every single detail that I did wrong (or that she interpits as wrong). She says that I should have never of left the country and should have stayed with her. I told that I ll go back and live our lives together, but is she questioning my love for her and she is convinced that if we live again together that it will be the same thing again. Like I am the reason for her depression. Even though that bed thing happened a year ago she’s recently bringing it up stating that she feels afraid to live with me. I am hitting rock bottom. If I didn’t love her I wouldn’t summit myself to all this pain. I want her well and I want our life together. Why am I to blame for everything when all I ever did was help? She, out of the blue, shut completely off and the amorous words I was so accustomed to ceased completely. I believe her depression is taking over her. All she has is bad thoughts and blames me that I should have tried harder…

    Besides these bad things, there are countless moments of an amazing relationship. Never have I been so close with someone but it seems those moments never happened for her….

    • Jeanmaire says:

      Dear John,

      Clearly you love this woman very much. However, her problems go beyond depression. She has difficulties with attachment and (although there isn’t enough information to fully determine the nature of the problem) most likely she has a personality disorder, such as Borderline Personality Disorder.Projecting or attributing emotions onto other people, rapid mood shifts, rejecting romantic partners for perceived slight criticisms or lack of empathy (yet while fearing abandonment by the romantic partner), black and white thinking, and intense, quick close relationships often idealizing the partner and then readily devaluing the partner are common characteristics if this problem.You might want to read the book “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me”.

      In any case, the gist is that the problems are within her and blamed on you and the relationship. In fact, the more you try to heal and help an individual like this the more she will blame you and make you responsible for everything she feels.You are NOT responsible for how she feels, and the more genuine sensitivity you have for her…the more it backfires for you and her.It’s very difficult getting over a relationship like this, especially when you do blame yourself.So information can help you to stop blaming yourself and I don’t know if they have this in your country (because I don’t know where you are) but you might attend a free, anonymous support group called “Co-dependence Anonymous), a support group for people who have learned to revolve around another person’s emotional problems. In an effort to be supportive, you can lose track of yourself and your own emotions, this group can help.Good luck to you and I hope that you can stop blaming yourself, and hopefully she soon will learn to do the same so she can actually start to recover . Best, Jeanmaire

  74. jp says:

    I’m the depressed one. I’ve suffered from depression since I was a teen (32 now). I’m a woman that has been independent since I was 16 years old and quite possibly emotionally independent prior to. Nevertheless, I never thought I’d find anyone to love that loved me back and nearly 2 years ago, I did. However, my depression has flared greatly (I quit smoking last year) and I finally decided to take medication a few months ago and about a month in, I went off because of the horrible side effects. I’m still in therapy, but the anger, worthlessness and irritability are at a level I recall back when I “just wanted it to all go away”. Three weeks ago my fiance’ proposed to me during a time when I was trying to end the relationship. He doesn’t want to walk away from me and wants to stick through this with me. He has seen me make drastic changes and I think he believes that I’m capable of getting out of this depression. I don’t think I am. I do not want to take medication and I am sick of having to always be better than I already am. Nothing is ever good enough. Obviously I fit into each of the above, usually all at once. That said, I feel an obligation to let him go because he doesn’t deserve to be treated with such volatility and unfortunately when I’ve been triggered, I take it all out on him. Everything is always his fault. And, even when I recognize it’s the depression, I still feel anger towards him. It’s a sad cycle that I do not wish to continue. Yet, he will not allow me to let him go… I don’t really want to because I do believe he’s the love of my life, but if I can’t get better, I don’t deserve him.

    I don’t want to live with a world of regret if I leave him, but I read a lot of people saying they’re better off without their depressed partner… Is this how he really would feel if I left him? It’s so hard to know what’s right and wrong.

    Tears…

    • Englander says:

      Ten months after the depressed love of my life suddenly left me, I definitely don’t feel like I’m better off without him. And I don’t believe he’s better off without me either.
      Please have enough respect for your fiancé to know that if he didn’t want to be with you, HE would make that decision. Try to take him at his word, he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Please don’t throw that away.

    • JRenee says:

      You seriously just wrote my life, only I have a man who moved two streets away and won’t commit, but says all the right things and puts up with some pretty insane stuff. I can turn in an instant, because I don’t feel like I’m enough, or I think he’s up to something, or I think the energy just feels wrong, and we go through the cycle all over again. I blame him for everything, we had six months apart and while life improved and the depression improved, I really spent a large amount of that time ripped apart, I missed him like crazy, though now I tell him life was perfect and it wasn’t. This brain chemistry thing is cruel, some days I want to jump off a bridge, other days I feel like I can just feel the rope that I need to grab to pull me out. I’m so sick of having to go through steps and processes just to be able to get up and get ready for work in the morning. There has to be a better way than this. I’m so scared mine will leave me though, or meet someone else, so I push him away, it’s so so crazy, why haven’t we all worked out how to fix this depression thing. Drugs are hell, the side effects are horrendous. You’re in my prayers. This isn’t fun 🙁

    • Helen says:

      I can relate to this so much. I’ve just been to the doctor who is getting me tested for progesterone deficiency and adrenal fatigue. It’s crazy how many women are reporting the same things, and I can’t help but wonder- how much of it is hormonally related?

      I also wonder- I had a difficult childhood, and I think that affected my ability to be truly close to someone, to be properly attached. You mentioned you were independent at 16, was your childhood difficult too?

  75. Becky says:

    Thank you for this article. So many of the articles on depression focus on how to help your partner if they are depressed, but miss the fact that so often, partners are badly treated by their partner with depression. This was certainly the case with me, and I am glad you’ve helped me realise that my depression was not just passive, but also very aggressive. I was all of the above, and more. I also felt a huge sense of worthlessness, in the sense of, ‘why the hell would anyone want to be with me?’ and ‘why does anyone care about me, I’m not anything special’ and I think that this feeling probably fuelled a lot of my unreasonable behaviour. Combined in this, I couldn’t understand why my partner would accept my unreasonable behaviour. Clearly, it was because he loved me, cared for me, and wanted to dig the real me out from the depression – only now, 9 months on, with a lot of therapy, help from the doctors and space, can I see that was the case. I felt being with me was unfair on my partner and he deserved someone who would make him happy and wasn’t like me. I hope he is happy now, but I am very regretful of my past behaviour, sadly depression took a strong hold on me and helped me sabotage my relationship.

    • Rich says:

      Hi Becky,
      It sounds very much like you and I have very similar stories. I was also all of the above and more and can completely identify with feeling worthless, largely due to things that happened as a child that I’ve never really dealt with properly. It certainly contributed to my unreasonable behaviour, quitting my job, total lack of libido, my lying to her and my sex addiction… she put up with my depression and it’s fallout for a year until it became too much for her. I let my anger and aggression come out against her, both her kids and my own Son. Looking back now I can see that depression too complete hold of me too and that I ultimately sabotaged my relationship with the most wonderful woman. It’s gutted me. I had everything I wanted and now I have almost nothing.

      • Becky says:

        Hi Rich,

        Sorry to hear you have suffered too. Please don’t blame yourself, it is the depression that takes a strong hold on you and it’s really hard to see the way out. Back then, I didn’t even realise it was the depression at all, I thought that was just how things were – it’s only with hindsight that I can see it was the depression. Please work on yourself, I think sometimes with depression, sustaining a relationship can be too much pressure – when you can’t cope with daily life, trying to keep someone else happy is too much of a burden. Even if the person is trying to support you, the guilt can be too much and you need to just focus on getting yourself better. Are you seeking therapy and/or any medication? I am on meds and have been in and out of therapy. It does help, I’m a long way off, but I am getting there. I would perhaps speak to your ex partner, show her this article and show her that you realise your behaviour was bad, but you’re working on it and would like to make amends, even if just for friendship, until you’ve worked on yourself. Well, feel free to message me back. I know it helps to talk it through with someone who understands

        • Rich says:

          Hi Becky,
          It’s reassuring in a way that there is someone else who recognises AFTER the event that they had concealed depression, but I’m so sorry you’ve been through it/are going through it too. I’ve done plenty of searching for info and other people, but you’re the first that like me didn’t even realise they were depressed at the time. I also didn’t realise that most of the things I was filling my days with were coping mechanisms for it. Guitar, TV, DVDs, Art, Design, Adult videos, video games, Football with my boy, everything I was doing was either a coping mechanism to get some kind of artificial chemical high (adult vids) or a way of isolating myself from the rest of the family. But you’re right, I stopped being able to cope with day to day living, much less making her happy. I made decisions which made that even harder to do anyway (job) but I guess I did that because I was already depressed. I’m waiting for an appointment with a counsellor to come through, and I’m thinking hard about going back to my doc for meds, after having previously refused them…

          Re my ex, she isn’t talking to me at all, and she wasn’t supportive in this sense, although she was the breadwinner. In fact she said afterwards that she suspected I was depressed (not that she knows what that means), but said nothing….It makes me wonder if she is depressed too, with all of her passive aggressive behaviours…

          I’d really like to keep in touch with you, and share notes with a ‘kindred spirit’, on here?

          • Becky says:

            Hi Rich,

            It is reassuring to find someone who has been in a similar situation to you- someone who can just understand what you’ve been through and are going through. I definitely was depressed for a while without realising, and then hit a big big low where even brushing my hair was just too much for me to cope with – then I really knew and since then I’ve kept an eye on it, but before the big low, I was non the wiser. It can be very blinding and you take it as normal, but it is anything but!
            I hope you manage to get an appointment with the counsellor, I think that just knowing you have an appointment can help more than anything else. I was very unsure about meds for a long time, I felt like there was nothing wrong with me and I just needed to try harder and that by accepting meds I was taking the mick out of people who really did need them. (Looking back I realise I was one of those people who really did need them!) I also worried that if they didn’t work, I’d have no back up plan or safety net – I would have tried everything. Luckily for me they have helped a lot.

            If your ex wasn’t supportive, it sounds as though she is not the right sort of person to be in your life. I know that is easier said than done, and harsh when you obviously have feelings and spent a lot of time with her. But the last thing you need is someone unsupportive as well!

            It would be great to stay in touch, it’s helpful to share experiences with someone who gets it! Not sure how though?

          • Rich says:

            Hi Becky, if you wanted to stay in touch it would be great. I could really do with someone who knows about it, to talk to. email? skype?

          • Becky says:

            Hi Rich,

            Sorry for the delay, I didn’t get a notification and just came back on here and saw your comment. I’m happy to email – what is your email address and we can correspond that way. Take care!

          • Rich says:

            Hi Becky,

            No worries. Glad you came back! My email is rbougaardt@outlook.com. Hope to speak soon and hope you are ok.

            Rich

    • Claire says:

      Hey Becky will you help me. What kind of help did you seek? I have trouble staying with the one who cares for me it’s like I can get people close then push them away within a year and that makes me even more depressed. I act irrational and I’m confused on the relationship all the time I always find something to make a excuse on why I don’t need a relationship right now. That I need to find myself before I can spend forever with you. I know something’s wrong with me. I just want to grow old with someone one day not alone.

      • Becky says:

        Hi Claire,

        I’m really sorry you are having a tough time. I was going to counselling – specifically for relationships and I am also on anti-depressants and have been for a while now. I think you are right in that you need to be happy and find yourself before you can be with someone else. I unfortunately am no longer with my partner that cared for me. I think for a long time I didn’t realise I was depressed, and then I found it too hard to look after myself, let alone someone else in the relationship. He did so much to care for me, but even that made me worse as I felt guilty that he was so kind and I was being so irrational. In the end, it was better for him that I left the relationship, and my counsellor suggested that I need space to deal with everything, and I wouldn’t get better if I was in that space. Who knows if I had stuck around, if it would have helped. I am slowly getting there, but I still have really tough days. I think it’s important to realise you’re on the path to getting help now, just by seeking out this site, and that’s so positive. It will take a while to get you to good, and you’ll have good and bad days, but you’re on the right track. I am here for you, totally understand what you’re going through. Good luck, it’s hard, xx

  76. AW says:

    Is there any hope of the depressed person getting help and ending these relationship traps? Or should the partner of the depressed person just leave the abusive relationship? I’m depressed and I’m finally getting help for it after my husband left. I didn’t realize how bad things were, so that was a huge wake up call for me. I was never irritable before I was depressed, and I realize that I did a lot of blaming as my depression got worse. I reached out for medical help for my depression, and though I’m heartbroken, I’m feeling better now. I’m just afraid that it’s too late to save the relationship because the damage has been done.

    • Rich says:

      Hi AW not sure if you’ll ever see this but…. I wish there was hope for the depressed person getting help. I was/am that depressed person, who had concealed depression. When I was in the relationship I think there was little chance of me realising I was depressed, unless she had punched me in the face and told me so, which of course she never did. My partner left, and I didn’t really realise how bad things were, I think depression blinds us to reality. My downfall has brought about a HUGE wake up call. I too was a ‘normal’ guy before my depression came back, wasn’t angry or irritable and took responsibility for my own effects on others. At some point, I’m not even sure when, I became all of those to a ridiculous level. ….only weeks after she left me did my depression, addiction and untrustworthiness become clear to me….and I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me…..

      • AW says:

        Hi Rich. Thanks for getting back to me. I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. I agree. Depression is so blinding! My husband is still proceeding with the divorce, and his family has cut all ties with me. At first he desperately wanted me to get help, but now he is angry with me, and he is doing everything to hurt me, like taking the dog, and cutting me off financially. I also get nasty letters from his lawyer, that don’t help with my depression at all. However, I am not angry with him. I can finally see how much pain he has been in, I know he is lashing out, and I still love him.

        I just wish he could see how much I have changed, and how many active steps I’ve taken, and am taking to get better. I’ll keep hoping for forgiveness, but all I can do is learn from this and try to recognize when my depression comes back, and get help right away.

        I hate being put in the “abusive or no hope for change” category by his therapist who has only seen me twice, and who has no interest in hearing my side of the story. I know in my heart that I am serious about getting help for my depression, and that is not true. So many people have seen the changes in me. I wish he was around to see them too. He would have been so proud of me.

        • Rich says:

          Hi AW,
          I think my ex is angry and lashing out as well. But she lashes out passive aggressively, so I don’t really know what she is thinking. I have hurt her so much with my ‘coping mechanisms’ for the depression I didn’t even realise I was in. I became a liar, and dishonest partner, partly in reaction to the passive aggression as well as the depression I think. She just couldn’t trust me, and I can see why. With my sex addiction, I couldn’t have been trusted. My depression and the associated anger and irritability affected both her children and my Son negatively as well. I guess right now I’m wrestling with the anger that comes from the passive aggressive nature she showed (having claimed strongly to be different, and the kind of woman who tells if there is something wrong), and the fact that my behaviour hurt her hugely. That’s why she isn’t with me right now, and why she is/was so angry.

          I just wish that she could understand the nature of depression, that person that was doing those things isn’t me. The me that she fell in love with. I need to find him again. 🙁

          • AW says:

            Hi Rich,

            It’s so true that when you’re depressed, it’s really hard to see how much the other person is hurting because you’re in so much pain yourself. You’re trying to do everything you can to make yourself feel better, but sometimes we don’t do that in the best ways. 🙁 I really tried to control my irritability, but it didn’t work. It’s so hard because I know I’m a good person. I just needed to get help. I can see why my husband wants to be done with me. I spent so much time being sad and irritable that it made him feel the same way too, and after 8 years of dealing with me, I’m sure he feels happier not having to interact with me anymore. He doesn’t have to use his energy to try to cheer me up anymore. Eventually, he stopped trying anyway.

            I think that people who have never been depressed don’t get it. It’s hard for them to understand. Nobody wants to be unhappy. We would never choose this. My therapist said that when people are depressed, they are unable to see a lot of options, which makes it hard to see that there are things they can do to get better. This huge wake up call worked.

            At first I really wanted to reconcile, and work things out with him, but he is not interested, and I haven’t spoken to him in a month. I also think reconciliation would be awkward since his whole family thinks I’m a bad person based on what he told them. They have no interest in hearing my side of the story, even though I reached out to them to apologize for not getting help with my depression sooner. The marriage counselor we met with only once has no interest in hearing my side of the story either.

            He has also been extremely unkind to me during this process (by cutting me off financially even though I’m unemployed, taking the dog who is more attached to me, wanting me to move out within weeks of being served even though I have no friends or family here, and nowhere to go). I feel like he is being abusive himself, and that I deserve better. I don’t see how we could get past this anymore. I know I messed up, and our problems are 70 % my depression, but we have other problems too that he hasn’t taken any responsibility for. Everyone has been saying that I should just focus on myself and on getting better, so that’s what I’m trying to do. Hopefully I can be get help and be happy again, even without him. 🙁

  77. dakota says:

    This is hard to hear… I am 20 in college with a beautiful loving girlfriend…. I just can not treat her right. Everyone on this blog talks about their EX… well I hope she doesn’t turn into my ex. We have been together for 3 years now and I really feel she is the one… but I think my depression is triggered by her. After reading the article what can I do to prevent all of these things?

    I mean have no friends to hang out with when I come back from college and I am just SUPER attached to her. Like my happiness is very dependent on her and I know that’s so unfair…. what do I do.

  78. Elena says:

    After reading this article, I can say all of these things relate to me right now. I have always suffered depression since I was very young, I had a bad past and been through a lot. My boyfriend started off as my best friend before we dated. Then when we first dated a week later he dumped me for his ex, I was devastated and never felt so betrayed as there was a lot going on around that time too. Then 5 months later we got back together again of course I haven’t forgotten about what happened the first time we started, but it got complicated as I felt so paranoid, hurt, sad incase he was going to leave me again and we argued about it for nearly a year. But the first few months we been dating he had a dating app on his phone my friend pointed this out as she was on the same dating app and coincidently some of the photos he used were pictures that I have taken on his phone or mine. I’ve pointed this out with him and he told me there was ‘nothing wrong with that’ so I cried myself to sleep when I found that out. I was already having trust issues with him because of the ex thing and now this… He got rid of the dating app in the end but still.. I just didn’t know how to feel after that. I kind of blame myself In a way maybe I wasn’t good enough for him. A lot of my friends warned me about him that his just going to hurt me.. I didn’t listen to them I just followed my heart and hope for the best that he won’t make the same mistake. At this very day I’m still with him now it has been 13 months we been together so far… The arguments are still there but not as bad as the start. But I still get nightmares and I get paranoid incase he does something bad or he leaves me heartbroken all over again. I’m trying so hard to trust him I think I am slowly getting there in a way but it doesn’t mean the stuff his done before will disappear I can’t forget. I feel so insecure, I always keep thinking his going to find someone better who is prettier and better then me in every way. He blames me for not trusting him but if he didn’t give me reasons to I would be able to trust him fully. I don’t even leave my house anymore unless I was seeing him I rarely see my friends as most of them are at University or have moved away. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, I can’t speak to him about it as his not one that says a lot. I try make him happy and give my 100% effort in the relationship and do thoughtful things and try remember the little things about him.. Even though he doesn’t give me anything in return. In a way for me as long as he was happy I guess I am fine with that. It does make me sad that I kind of expect the same treatment the way I treat him but I know I can’t force or ask for that it should come naturally. It just saddens me I just want him to really love me and appreciate me but I feel like sometimes he doesn’t. He lacks showing it or even saying it in that matter… It does make me feel a bit worthless but all I can do is just wait and hope one day he will show me his appreciation and love for me one day. I know most people if there was in my situation would have left by now or ages ago but it’s different as he is my best friend aswell as my boyfriend his always been the closest person to me for years 🙁

    • Adnan says:

      Elena, I am in the same situation. But it’s the other way around, I try to make her happy, all the time, chat with her as long as I can (all the things you have mentioned). but at the same time, feel a bit worthless and annoying. Yes, I know that everything comes naturally and we can’t force them, but for how long does that procedure have to take? I feel you.

  79. Jay says:

    I don’t even know how to express my situation in words without crying and becoming angry. I recently realized that I’m depressed via my actions. People see so much talent in me and it puzzles me via my self-hate. It’s as there’s a governor on my heart and ambition. I lost my child via an abortion, moved in with my girlfriend and had to leave because of our roommates lying on me then lived in a house with no electricity nor hot water for a year just to stay in the same city as her because we couldn’t’ afford an apartment and I’m just too mad. I’ve unintentionally hurt her many of times and I wish I understood why at the time so I could of told her and possibly have seeked help for the both of us. That’s my soulmate. We had plenty of goodtimes but no job and not being able to take care of her how I wanted to just made me very nasty and angry. I don’t know what to do now. She’s very passionate about me and hasn’t spoken to me in about 6 months. We were suppose to get married. Smh I can’t take this…………..

  80. Rachel says:

    I was in a relationship with my BF and he was severely depressed, I had to leave he would not accept treatment of any sorts and was told this is him like it or not – I chose the NOT. He has always struggled with addictions from drugs/alcohol/ sex addiction/depression, when we first started dating I was under the impression all was under control and for years. Though a recovering alcoholic he would juggle drugs and the sex addictions depending on the severity of the depression. He is high almost 24/7, cannot function or chooses not to function with out being high…it is so sad to see him relapse. Constantly on porn sites, webcam sites videoing himself, posting on teen site and “chatting” with whoever – he is 47. I say loosely chatting cause I have no idea what he does and did. Confronted him and was told ” It wasn’t me” his profile was removed from the sites that following day??!! He has a teenage son and spoke to him about it and got the response…”this is my dad he’s always like this and surprised you have lasted this long, all the other girls last maybe a month or so” Once that was said something completely changed for me and started looking for another place to live and an instant wall went up around me. This guy will NEVER change and will continue to live this horrible life or drug abuse, anxiety, chronic pain, depression and self hate. So sad and such a waste of a wonderful life

  81. michael says:

    Hello; this may sound odd but i am curious.
    I met my girfriend on an inyernet dating site in oct of 2013
    Due to an 800 mile dfferential we met on christmas 2013 (great date!!)
    Then in june and july 2014.
    From September until now i have flown to see her about 7 times.
    Each time i am treated lke a king.
    My question is: From october 2013-until september 2014 (our first sexual encounter in sept 2014)
    Many more since then; all wonderful
    I wonder though… what did she do from october 2013 until sept 2014? I would find it hard to beleve she had no sex for that duration with anyone (i didn’t) She is very loving,smart,kind funny and the best date bar none for a variety of entertainment.
    When i stayed with her 7 different times a week on each excursion i was fixed breakfast every day; when i arrived goodies (she asked what snacks i liked) were awaiting me in abundance.
    I JUST wonder if she had another man beyween 0ct 2013 andsept 2014.

    • Shawn says:

      Ask her? Sounds like you might have trust issues. I’m in a long distance relationship and never even thought to question my gfs fidelity. We also met online but we haven’t had as many visits. We have our rough patches but I find they key to our successful relationship, is some degree of communication. You should ask her if you find it really matters so much.

  82. Andrew says:

    I believe my partner may have depression but I’ve always brush it under the rug thinking its just her hormones as she is 22 weeks pregnant.

    She has had some low points prior to this since i moved into her flat with her 8 months ago but now she is saying that she wants to go back to her parents house and think things over but prior to that she said I’ve had enough and can’t take it living with you (me) as we are finding it hard for money stress and trouble trying to find myself work.

    I am at a loss here as I will be alone if she goes through with it and moves then I will start to wonder about our unborn child and all the things we said we was going to do as a family together and missing out on all the small things.

    I really am at a loss and I Dont know which way to turn as my own parents are over 350+ miles away and I can’t talk to anybody else as I too feel like depression is creeping in on me too.

    All I want is for her to get better.

    Thank you for your time

  83. Florence says:

    Refreshing to read.
    My partner is depressed, he has left and it has been total hell to live with him.
    I have experienced all of the above.
    It’s horrific to suddenly loose you partner, he has changed beyond my understanding.

    • Dana says:

      I am in exactly the same situation, my partner of 20 years has abandoned me and our children, he cannot come to terms or work through his depression and completely ruined his and our lives. He is no longer a person I know, absolutely devastating!

    • David says:

      Florence,
      I’m sorry to say that I have just done to my partner exactly what yours has done/is doing to you. I’ve been hell to live with. i changed from a loving, caring man into an isolated, dependant tyrant who only took and never gave. I didn’t even realise I had created this hell for my family, and I certainly hadn’t linked it with my depression. I’m sorry and I feel for you.

      • Flo says:

        Thanks for the messages.
        I’ve woken this morning and cried like he’s dead for 20 minutes.
        I now have to get my son to school and go to work and pretend that all is ok.
        There I sn support for me locally as a partner experiencing this and it is devastating.
        I recognise that depression is an illness but unlike a cancer it destroys families and relationships
        Dana I feel for you I really do and would be happy to talk at anytime.
        David at least you now recognise it and maybe you can now tell them you love them ..that’s what is important letting them know you still love them and are not leaving them forever.
        X

        • David says:

          Flo,
          I’m terribly sorry you’ve had an episode like that. I’m walking around in a daze, and was crying like that last night. I’m very bad at that pretending thing. Just can’t do it. Nearly burst into tears at the Job Centre today. I’m reliant on online help, there’s very little available on our NHS, but I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow.

          As for my relationship and family, unfortunately, it’s too late. Depression has destroyed my relationship and my family. I do love them, but the way I’ve treated them they wouldn’t believe me even if I did tell them, and my partner has moved on to someone else already, 3 weeks after throwing me out. To be honest, if she hadn’t I probably wouldn’t even have realised I was depressed….You’re right it does destroy all it touches, insidiously.

          I may be the wrong person given that I’m the equivalent of your ex, but if you need to talk I’m here.
          David x

          • Flo says:

            Thanks.
            I’m sorry to hear that I hope you are getting treatment, meds, therapy?
            My partner admitted he was very depressed 3 mths ago and I offered support and discussed it with his family.
            He was angry and resentful towards me and eventually it became impossible for him to live with me.i have a young son.
            He won’t speak to me I don’t know where he is.
            I am now left not knowing if to split sell and move on or wait untill he returns and see if anything Is left of our relationship.
            It’s a totally f….ing nightmare.
            I’m in limbo, feel sick in th morning and unable to think and plan for the future.
            I’m sorry that your partner has met someone else.
            Maybe you still need to send a message and say you were ill and you are sorry for your behaviour and that you love her.
            Do you have kids together?
            It would mean a lot to her to take ownership of your behaviour even if it’s too late.
            Sorry things are hard, talk to people.
            I’d love to find a support group for partners of the depressed they don’t seem to exsist.

  84. Esther says:

    I strongly believe that my husband of 6 years (8 years together) is suffering from depression. He is 47 and I am 39.

    2 days ago, as we were looking at homes with a realtor, a question I asked him set off a torrent of hurtful and shocking events. Last night, he decided that he needed to “leave” and has set off for his mother’s house since. He has left my 2 young daughters (4 and 2) and me without a single explanation other than, “if I stay right now, I will explode. I know what I am doing by leaving is the wrong thing to do”.

    He had been miserable (noticeably) in the past month or so and I called him out on it several days ago. Tension set in between us and this past Wednesday, as we were driving to the next potential house, I asked him if he was “okay” and if “divorce” was a possibility. I fully expected him to say no but his hesitation and non-response sent me into a complete whirlwind of shock and awe. Since this past Wednesday, our family, my life has been completely turned inside out and I still have no answers.

    I know he suffered from low testosterone in his previous relationship and recently started to mention his dissatisfaction with his “body, health, etc.”. Mind you, he has been sleeping on the couch for over a year because he truly suffers from severe degenerative disc issues and the couch provides a minimal but much needed amount of relief. Because of this, and because of other reasons, we have not been intimate for a very long time. This is obviously a glaring red flag.

    I am reeling from these recent events and have been googling and researching to finally come to the conclusion that my husband is suffering from depression. He is very interested in seeking counseling to “figure out what’s wrong with him” but isn’t so sold on marriage counseling. I just need some wise words to get me through the next agonizing days of my life. My daughters don’t deserve this. Neither do I.

    • c says:

      I feel my husband is also depressed. The last two months he’s become withdrawn, verbally very abusive, blames me for everything, brings up past hurts that I have caused him even if the argument has nothing to do with that, physically abusive and won’t admit that there’s anything wrong except that it’s my fault he acts this way. He says if I give him attitude that’s the reason why he gives it back. That I have to stop then everything will be fine. He says these things with the most hated look in his eyes. Like he truly hates me. I asked him yesterday after an argument that should not even been an argument, I asked, just let me know if this isn’t going to work, let me know ahead of time so that I can prepare, to not just kick me out of the house but to let me know in advance please. He came back with anger telling me that I’m starting shit and that I really just want to leave. This morning is when it occurred to me that it might be depression. But there’s this problem. I think, no I know that I’m depressed too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to reach out to him about my depression. I know he will just get angry and there will be a huge fight. My husband and I have been together for 26 yrs. We have a 24 yr old, a 21 yr old and a 2 yr old. If it wasn’t for my 2 yr old I’d been gone a while ago. I want so badly to get through this. I want it to work between us. I want to grow old with him as I had always intended on doing. I know he needs my support, I think he needs to see a doctor but I don’t want to upset him and have another fight mostly because I’m afraid of the outcome of him leaving or him kicking me out. I can’t have that happen to my son. He loves his father so much. I don’t know how to help him when I need help myself and at the same time I’m very resentful that he could care less about what I’m going through. When you say your vows it’s supposed to be in sickness and in health, and just because now it’s a mental issue rather than a physical issue he can’t see that I need help. He can’t see that he needs help. He can’t see that we need help. It’s like he’s just expecting everything to just go away. He’s hurt me so much with every fight we have that I almost believe it will never get better. I don’t know what to do either. I’m very lost. All I can say is that if you love him and want to grow old with him, well I guess don’t just give up. I’m trying really hard not to do that myself because being depressed myself it’s hard to not truly believe that everything he says to me isn’t true. And the anger. That utter look of hate. I feel hopeless and don’t know how to help him. And what about me. I just don’t know anymore.

      • Nm says:

        Take a look at the depression fallout forum http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com

        People there offer great advice and are all going through similar situations to you. The creator of the site has a great book also. Both helped me through a situation where my partner was depressed, which then led to my own deep depression. We managed to work things out and you will too.

        Wishing you the best 🙂

  85. Chris says:

    Good article to read. I have suffered from depression since I was a young teen. Loosing my job and my house at 42 dropped me into a very dark place. I am slowly recovering from this dip, with a new job, and new place to live. Still some lingering fears and strong bouts of deep depression rear their ugly heads from time to time. The lager problem isn’t the really bad days. The real problem is that the “good” days are still full of pain. If I could feel fine most of the time, I could deal with isolated bouts of depression, but that’s not how it works. I am very sad to say that I spent so much time focused on how poorly I felt that I never really considered how I was affecting my wife. I always knew I was affecting her, but it never really sank in how much I was truly causing her pain. I always thought that the extend of the affect I was having on her consisted her leaving me alone to work through the pain. I figured she could just ignore me for a few hours or days until the sever symptoms passed, and that everything would be better afterward. I didn’t see what was going on right in front of me because I couldn’t see past my own pain. This finally became clear when, after 21 years of marriage, she now tells me she is contemplating leaving.

    I have always been a decent provider (except for the short period of unemployment). I have always been kind and supportive of her desires. I wasn’t mean or rude to her. I spend literally all day with her (we both work at the same office). I don’t’ drink or spend time away from her, and I have never cheated. I generally thought I was a pretty decent husband. She will even agree when comparing me to some of the other husbands we know. Despite the fact that I thought I was a better husband than most men, I was missing the truth. I was distant and isolated (even when I was in the room with her). I didn’t share myself (even when we were together). I didn’t involve myself with her (even when we were doing something together) I didn’t really support her emotionally (even though I supported her procedurally). Now my eyes are more open than ever before. Now I have to work to fix years of mistakes. Now I have to take the main reason I get out of bed and fix it before it is too late.

    God, please don’t let it be too late.

    My advice to the depressed folks out there: WAKE UP! YOU ARE AFFECTING YOUR LOVED ONES MORE THAN YOU KNOW! To those of you who are dealing with a depressed spouse or partner. Talk to them. Let them know that you support them, but that they are not the only ones suffering. Don’t wait till you can’t take it any longer! Don’t wait till it’s too late.

  86. Susie says:

    Thank you for your article! This describes my ex to a T! Every bit of it, starting with #1 irritability over trivial things leading up to the day he announced out of the blue that he was depressed and needed to be alone. He packed up his necessities and said he was moving out. He went to stay in a motel less than a mile away. He said he didn’t want to drag me down with him. The sweetest most kindest soul I have ever known, always thinking of others and always so down on himself. His depression started long before I came into his life. He had a horrible childhood and was abandoned by everyone who should have been taking care of him, and shifted around from foster homes and orphanages and ultimately a boys ranch. Finally, at the age of 16 he was finally able to be reunited with his mother. Finally, he was back with his family. His happiness was short lived because “mama” was killed in front of him a few months later. Then he was off to live with a biological father he didn’t even know several states away until he was 18. After graduating and turning 18, he was out on his own again with no family support. Amazingly, he worked his way up from walking to work to riding a bike to buying a car and even became a homeowner with a stable, great paying job. But he was still depressed. Then I came along and for that brief time, he was finally happy. He said he finally sees what had been missing all those years. That happiness was also short lived. When the newness of the relationship wore off, the depression was back. So he goes to this hotel down the road, but stayed in constant communication (mainly via text). He seemed torn between not wanting to drag me down with his depression and not wanting to let go. I urged him to get help and he did. He started antidepressants which never seemed to really work. He dwelled on his horrible past and could not let it go. In his mind he was a failure and could not see what a wonderful person he had become despite his past. Tragically, on May 13, 2014 he took a gun and ended his pain all alone in that hotel room. If I knew then what I know now, I would have insisted he let me hold onto his guns while he worked through his depression. I had no idea this was coming. I was always told if you love someone and they want to go off and be alone, you let them go. That is not always true. In hindsight, I feel like he expected me to beg, plead and insist he not stay in a hotel. It hurt like hell, but I let him go without much of an argument because I thought it was the right thing to do. I will be forever haunted.

    • Mark says:

      Hey,

      While I am very sorry to hear about your ex, it’s not your fault. At all. You did all you could, and are still actually hurting over it!!

      It’s okay to let go – you don’t have to forget all the good times you had!

    • David says:

      Dear Susie,
      I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain your husband was in. Know that there are those who wish you peace when they read your post. Have you sought out any SOS meetings in your area. They can be helpful.
      Peace, Dave

  87. Lesley says:

    I have a comment not about my partner but a very close friend of mine. We have been friends for almost 25 years and she has being struggling with depression, drug (weed) and gambling addiction ( horse racing, online poker). The only thing she will admit to is the depression and is on medication. The others are enough in her life to take the edge off and satisfy her addiction. I am growing tired of the same thing over and over again. You never know when it’s going to come ( the attitude, temper, anger and overall rude behavior) , but when it does hold crap stay out of her way.

    Over a month ago, she cut me off and told me she needs a break from me, not sure why but I was in her way I guess. Left her alone for a bit and sent her a few texts just saying hi and how are things – very light conversation. Once again got a blast from her and I honestly think it will be my last attempt at this friendship. I know she is ill and cannot help herself at times, but I also think this is an excuse for bad behavior. Especially, once an episode has subsided and there is no acknowledgement of bad behavior and a thank you for sticking by and being a friend/an ear. I received a text from her a few days ago… I deleted it. I think I need a break from her.

    • Mark says:

      Being in a friendship with someone who is ill doesn’t mean that friendship can have no boundaries. If your boundaries are clear, why do need “an acknowledgement of bad behavior”?

      If she is hurting you, let her know. She may not feel a need to apologize or thank you for her behavior…maybe she is taking you for granted?

      It sounds like you are putting in lots of effort to figure this out! Good luck!

      • Lesley says:

        As a friend or a spouse that is on the other side of this illness we should Always receive a thank you for being a great support and sticking around. During an episode a number of horrible things are stirred up, so yes an acknowledgement of behavior should be in there as well. My boundaries were stretched and ignored once again, one to many times. Therefore, I will not be around period. Thanks for commenting!

  88. annecox says:

    I need some advice. My boyfriend was in a4year relationship where he was pretty much the father to the two young daughters of his ex. He raised the youngest from about six months. Obviously he developed strong feelings for them…like a father but is no longer able to a them. He’s reminded every day by little things: the park, toys, cartoons (I have a daughter the same age) …and he gets incredibly depressed because he cannot talk to them. I love him very much but this is very difficult. Do you have any advice?

  89. Allison says:

    Thank you so much for this article. It perfectly describes the way my former boyfriend acted. I thought he was severely depressed but he could be so cheerful sometimes and fun loving and he was a tough motorcycle guy who would never go to a doctor or therapist and i just had to deal with all these confusing symptoms. This article makes me feel better about our relationship ending. It was really so draining and unfulfilling. I did love him tons, I hope he can make some changes for himself.

    • Feeling Sad says:

      Hi Allison,
      Sorry to hear about your situation.
      Take solace in the fact that you dodged a bullet.
      I am married to a depressed man, I love him so much we have 2 toddlers but his depression diagnosed a year and a bit ago has changed my husband. He has now developed an addiction to gambling and is now an emotional abuser. He has destroyed our bonds with external family members.
      I am sorry to say that I wished I recognised his depression tendencies while dating as I most probably would not have married him.
      As hard as it is for you now to breakup with your partner, trust me you dodged a bullet.
      Wish you all the best. And hope your ex gets help.

  90. Kim says:

    My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a year and a bit now but due to everything we’ve been through in the past few months (we both lost our jobs at around the same time last year – him hurting his back and my boss not being able to afford to pay me anymore)we’ve had to move in with my parents which is causing a lot of strain on our relationship. I feel like everything he does irritates me and his new job means he works really irregular hours but when he comes back, I just want him to go away again. I don’t know what to say around him, if there’s any point to strike up a conversation anyway. I mean, we live together so what’s the point in talking about our days if the other was there for most of it? But I miss the early days of our relationship, when we were able to talk and giggle and actually enjoyed each others company.

    Maybe I’m just bored. I don’t have a job at the moment so we can’t afford to move out of my parent’s house and don’t have a lot to do so maybe I’m overthinking things? But is it naïve to think that everything would go back to the way it should once we move out?

  91. Trish says:

    I came across this article and it was very helpful. My spouse of over ten years left our kids and I six weeks ago. He told me if he stayed with me he would kill himself. I am doing my best to cope on my own with the kids but I feel he truly has depression, and he might have some other mental illness in addition. I know that I can’t help him and the things he said are very hard to cope with. Nearly every point in his article describes my ex. It has torn our family apart but he is the only one who can seek help.

  92. Bee says:

    I’ve been going through the same emotional roller coaster for over a year, the yes, yes, no, I love you, I miss you etc: I was always happy, cheery, optimistic, and saw the best in everyone. Being with my depressed girlfriend who I love with all my heart is starting to destroy the person I truly love and that’s ME!!! Sometimes it’s easier said than done but letting go is the only way to escape into a healthy relationship with someone who is compatible. I’ve learned that healthy relationships work when there’s trust, respect and care…If you wouldn’t treat someone this way (no depressed individuals can’t help it) why would you allow yourself to be treated like this.
    Loving this person doesn’t mean you have to suffer, love them from a distant…it’s hard as he’ll I absolutely understand but will you ever trust them to not break your heart again or live with anxiety every day not knowing where you stand

    • Rui says:

      I do get this, and this is an aspect of myself that I wrestled with for the time me and my gf were together. But loving froma distance is hard when both you and your lvoed one have vowed to fight this together. And then when a child comes into it, it’s killer. It’s heartbreaking. It rips you to shreds because it’s not like there is even anyone to blame. The person i truly loved was my girlfriend, but depression changed her.

      That’s why this seems like defeat.

  93. Rui says:

    I’m in the middle of an emotionally devastating break up for both of us. I found this article just searching for some sort of solace and i saw a lot of parallels to what we are going through now. My ex (i guess) girlfriend, is a wonderful woman, talented, kind and the best mother but has battled severe depression since a break down in her early twenties triggered by a severe emotional trauma when she was young. We are both now 28 and 27 and have almost been 2 years. She was a single mother when i met her and had just come out of an abusive relationship with the dad. We fell in love and i took on responsibilities for the child as well, who is almost 3 now, which obviously makes things all the worse.

    Anyway, i think for us, things developed into a cycle of negative actions that aggravated each other. about 8 months into our relationship we decided to move in together, a huge step for both of us. I changed jobs to fit in with my new life and everything went well. She was happy and i fell madly in love with the prospect of a life with my soulmate and a child that, though wasn’t biologically mine, i loved like she was. However i feel things went downhill when i took 3 months off for gardening leave whilst a promotion at work was already secured for me. My job was very stressful and i think finally settling into a comfortable family life disrupted a lot of her processes and habits. By the time I went back to work, she had become even more introverted. Started snapping at very minor things and visibly withdrawn. It’s important to note that we hadn’t had sex for a long time. Not for the fact that we didn’t find each other attractive, but i have my own libido issues due to a stressful time at work and medical problems, which in turn made her own self confidence dive.

    From then on it became a vicious circle. After i returned to my job, work became a lot more demanding. I was working almost 14 hour shifts at the office in a more senior role and staying up til 3-4 am. In all this we I still contributed as much as i could but it all became too much for her. The effects of that rubbed off on me and we got to a place where she started to resent me and at times couldn’t even be in the same room as I was.

    Which leads us to where I am now. Last Wednesday she told me that she needed to go it alone so that she can remain a functioning mother to her child, which of course remain both of our priorities. This is compounded by the fact that my company made me redundant on the very same night. Which has left me in an utterly desperate situation. As I write this, I feel as if my whole world has been wiped out in the space of 5 hours. What is so much worse is that our love was so so strong, and through all the relationships I’ve had in the past, she was, really, the one for me. To add to this, I had raised a child who knew me as her father in all but name. To watch it all disintegrate in front of my eyes has truly pushed me into a place where I start to think I can see where my girlfriend came from. To see it all be defeated by the absolutely devastating condition that is depression is soul destroying.

    I admittedly underestimated just how bad it could be. I myself am still probably in a hopeful stage of my grievance where I believe I can still convince her we can work through it. Having known of her illness and vowed to battle on together, it seems almost unreal that it’s over.

    I don’t even know the point of my post. But I imagine, inside myself somewhere is some solace that others know this pain and the hoplessness of it. Now I feel my battle is within myself. I hate to sound pitiful. But in this moment in time, when a man’s entire world, down to the roof over his head has been crushed by depression, what is there left?

    • Anna says:

      Dear Rui, May God bless and protect you. I’m currently too depressed myself to reach out with many more words than that. I just wanted to share with you that today I reached out for counselling and with all my heart I hope that you will reach out for help at this very very difficult moment in your life. Truly may God sustain you right now until you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. May your future be much much brighter than your present. God bless you, Anna

    • David says:

      Rui,
      I wanted to empathise with you. There are many parallels between your situation and mine, I have displayed all of the 11 traps in the article above to the max. I’m not certain about whether my ex has depression in her life, (not sure she would admit it if she did), probably mainly because I paid her such little attention over the last 14months of our relationship, but given her behaviour mimcking your ex partners, it is likely. But I do know now for certain that I do. I’m in that same hopeful state that you were in, I watched my life disintegrate in front of me, to the point where your question about a man’s entire world, down to the roof over his head being crushed by depression, and what is left if it does, is deeply meaningful to me. For me, there is very little.

  94. Cindy L. says:

    This describes exactly what happened to me. I knew he was depressed and troubled when I entered into the relationship with him, but we both ‘clicked’ it felt so natural and right to be with him. He was very kind to me and fun to be with. We weren’t living together, but nearly so, to the point I was wondering why I even had my own apartment… But then the arguing began and he dumped me right before Christmas. (Holidays, even Memorial Day/Labor Day were difficult for him, holidays like July Fourth guaranteed he took to his bed….so I wasn’t surprised about the timing three days before Christmas…) He says he ‘cares deeply’ for me but the fighting is too difficult for him to deal with. He doesn’t work, spends his days sleeping and his nights on Facebook and watching movies online… He is now on anti-depressants which he says are ‘helping’ and also seeing a counselor. He doesn’t call or text me unless he’s wasted…then I’ll get the random “I do miss you, you know…” text or “you hate me” or “I’m sorry I ruined your life”. I miss him terribly and want him back, depressed or not. Even though I know I should be focusing on moving on, taking care of myself, my own life, I just want to ‘wait for him to get better’. This article describes exactly what happened to us.

  95. Jenny says:

    This is exactly what I went through. My story may not be as sad as others, it happened early and it happened accelerated. I saw red flags from the beginning and he tried to be an amazing boyfriend to win me, but in doing so lost his routine and little bits of what he needed to stay sane. We fell in love quick and I was told nothing I could ever do would make him not love me, only to have down to the word happen what you just described. It was heartbreaking and I can’t imagine how people go through this over and over. I still love him and I have not yet healed, but it is very comforting to believe it is not me. I always feel like relationships end the same with criticisms and sensitivies, but in looking back this may have played more of a part than I ever realized. This was the most obvious by far and he in the end admitted he goes through “mild bouts of depression”.

  96. lostsoul says:

    In need of answers or opinions. My fiance of 15 years, now my ex of 6 months. In my opinion he has been battling depression for about 5 years. Things got bad last year in March when he stopped going to work. This is a man that had never missed an unschudluex day of work since we have been together. He event on fmla and didn’t go to work for 6 months. At one point he didn’t even leave the house for 3 weeks. He finally decided to get on AD, HE STRUGGLED DUE TO THE SIDE EFFECTS BUT IS NOW ON Brentillex but I don’t think its working. He is also in counseling..I think twice a month. On Labor Day 2014 he told me that he can’t get better with me there. (We own a home together) he said I needed to leave and let him get better. He said he’s not happy and doesn’t love me and hant for awhile. I was in Shock, as up too this day he had told me he loved me and doesn’t know what he would do without me. We stayed in contact till about 2 weeks ago. I found out he is with another girl and is sleeping with several others. Before the no contact I would ask about the futurh, he would say the following;” I’m sorry I care about you but I’m not in love; you deserve better, you deserve to be happy, I can’t give you 100%, and told my friend I deserve to be treated like the queen I am, etc” so we’ve been separated and as its ggetting better in time I love him so much regardless of the other women. I’ve been told that they are just a distraction as well as his drinking lately. The female is is currently “dating” is in my opinion an alcoholic. She is the girl that is always at the bar and always out if control in my opinion. I have known her for a long time and we have mutual friends. She is also known as a pill popper and has been known to be addicted to cocaine. I’m just confused if he will ever come back to me. Is he self medicating or just being a jerk?

  97. Doug says:

    My girlfriend of three years, broke up with me three weeks ago right before valentines day. She’s been suffering from major depression for awhile now and her medication stopped working because she was so stressed out. My car broke down some time ago (I just now can afford a new one) and she felt obligated to come to me. 11 days prior to the breakup she was telling me about how she read a romantic novel and was thinking of me and how much she loved and missed me. She’s not ready to talk yet, and I don’t want to move on. I love her so much and if there is any hope we can get through this, I will fight for it. She’s my best friend, I’m being patient and waiting for her to be ready to talk. She made me promise her once when she was sleepy that no matter what happens, if she becomes depressed and pushes me away, that I wouldn’t let go. She always becomes distant this time of year but thjs time its different. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Emily says:

      Doug,

      You are I are in the exact same situation. My bf too broke up with me before Valentine’s day. He’s suffering from anxiety and depression and wants to be alone now. He says this has nothing to do with his depression and that I am not the one for him. I don’t believe it because I know he has been “emotionally numb” for quite a while now.

      It’s so difficult to move on when you know that the real reason is the illness!

      Emily

    • Rui says:

      We’re all in the same boat here mate. My girlfriend split with me (she has a child who I have raised together with her) which was compounded by being made redundant last wednesday.

      She had been progressively getting worse, pushing me away etc. At the start the medication kept her in good spirits (she was on fluoxetine, and some others) but eventually they stopped working. We are now at the point where I am homeless and sleeping from couch to couch, hotel to hostel etc. At this point in time I still can’t quite contemplate that we are over. Because, like you, we both vowed to fight this together. She let me into her world knowing that meant letting me in to her depression. It seems so futile that we would give up on it all now.

      We’ve had bumps but never a split. Like this. The reason she gave was that I was triggering her and her child needed a mother, which of course we both agree on. However, it’s still so hard for me to admit defeat to the big D. Is this us giving up? Should I fight on? Is this her or the depression talking? We were so madly in love, sure that we were soulmates. I’ve started to question myself. Does love actually conquer all? Is it worth saving? What is even the right thing to do right now?

      all these questions just leave me in limbo. I don’t know whether to wait or move on. I don’t even want to move on. I created a family and to think I will never see what I see as my own child is like someone squeezing the life out of me bit by bit until it’s all gone. She says that she doesn’t want to meet anyone else but can’t tell the future. What would utterly kill me is if I gave her the time she needs, meet her in 10 years time to find she has met someone else. We had planned all these things, our future, our house, our wedding. I just can’t even begin to imagine that life disappearing.

      I’m so lost right now.

  98. Lori says:

    Please tell me what to do!! I am pregnant and I am depressed like hell!!! I so wanna commit suicide but I can’t kill my baby ;(

    Ever since I got married. I became more and more depressed. My husband’s attitude felt like torchure to me. I love him more than my life. But he just doesn’t care about my feelings. He blames me for everything bad and never appreciates me for anything good.

    He never likes to have sex but he used to like porns and now he doesnt even like that he has completely thrown sex away from his life. Living with my husband felt like living in hell alone.

    I tried to commit suicide several times and whenever anything happened to me, he gets worried and showed his love but he never ever changes!

    I am pregnant for the third time and last 2 were misscarriages unfortunately. My husband didn’t want any kids at that time. I am sure this time it’s not like that… I need a baby to overcome my loneliness.

    But m still depressed because he is getting more and more aggressive and depressed himself! I tried talked to him several times on this topic but he hates to discuss and it always ends up in an argument.

    I need a normal happy life. I don’t need luxuries and I dont need money I just need some words of love from my husband… He doesnt even like to talk to me. He is busy all the time in making money.
    ;(

    Please guys! Never be this much workaholic!! Really life is too short you never know what will happen next… What if your partner never lives anymore the next day… Time spent with your partner is much more precious than time spent in your work…

    • Char says:

      You need to speak to your OBGYN, not only is there post-partum depression, but it can happen before pregnancy, especially with your history.

      You cannot make loneliness dissipate by having a baby. You will need to seek counsel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are having a baby, you need to start thinking about the baby first and part of that is making sure you are emotionally healthy enough to care for the wee one.

  99. fedup says:

    I have lived with my husband for 22 years 4 months ago after a stressful time at work and my older kids who have left the family home agreeing to have xmas dinner as a big family which my husband was really looking forward to dropped out of the arrangements and went to their dads instead. my husband changed from being a loving attentive man to saying he didnt like what he saw in the mirror throwing himself into work and emotionally detaching himself from me. he went to the docs but wouldnt admit he was depressed and wouldnt take any meds. he is slowly recovering he has now started talking to me and has resumed sex however i have noticed he is suffering from delayed ejacultion but i cant talk to him about this either. its been very hard for me and i am trying really hard to take a step back and leave him to come back to his normal self but has anyone has the same experience and how long does it take. he is trying taking me out more but the physical side is much slower and i am craving attention which i have missed

  100. Lulu says:

    Right now I’m going threw it. Ah I’m. 54Yrs old, and its not the first time. This man in my life is my 4th been with him for 8yrs. Last 3 well 2 cheated on me 3rd passed away. And when my husband had passed 3 months later I found out he was having an affair with my niece. And it hurt so much again and going threw depression, so i heald . 4yrs later i met this handsome man 4yrs older then me, trucker beautiful talker, he kept kept coming back to me then 2months later he moved me and my girls to his home and would go trucking with him sometimes that I quit my job,and also so i can be with my daughter youngest one at 12yrs old. But then little by little arguments started. So much more.. But i would do and still do allot for him like when be home i served him I cuttled him massage him,feed him h u s breakfast in bed and still do, l am that way. I. Love him so much, but I can’t accept that he wants to leave me. He says that all he wants is to be happy, that there is nothing wrong going to the bar or dancing with other women or partying alone with he single males friends. I keep telling him, he right! But he has me so can confort him too. And i love being with him. And when I am with him I just want a little attention too, at bar or with friends from him, I am more left alone sitting while he is talking to the bartenders or dancing with his other women friends. Or taking women friends out to eat. He says , that there nothing wrong off taking and old friend out for breakfast. And if i would do that with a male friend,he says he hi s not jealous as long as i don’t do something else. But I.am not like that. That’s why i am with him, cause I had missed being alone, he looked the type of man to be with a women and be faithful to her, to have a woman as her partner, a friend, a lover a man in her live already to settle down be together, yes work and be with his male friends once in a while, but he looked like the type that I saw when I. Met him so kind , and be with when i invite him to my family partys. Now this last time I. Couldn’t stand it when he was talking to our female naibor across. The street for awhile, that i finally called him. And that’s when had a big argument. Now he wants to let go and leave me. But all of this he has done to me and would see what and hiw he talks to other women and I won’t do nothing but smile, andif I would he hates me wants to leave me, and am always apologizing to him to forgive me. He rells me i am very jealous. But maybe. I am,but all i ask him i just want a little respect. He usually takes me with him trucking now being. Going alone. He has not call me all day since he left. And i haven’t. Called I. Am afraid he might get mad and won’t come home. I am hurting. And in tears. I miss him.

  101. supriya says:

    i m having same situation as u have mentioned “Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life.”

    plz help m

  102. OneMore says:

    Im in a situation like that right now. My wife is moving out in 2 months and yes i feel like I’m a worthless piece of S*** that cant keep a woman. Suicide??? Not my choice but i have to say i though about it many times but i have my beloved son who is the only one that somehow give me strength to keep going. I dont have friends by the way Im recluse in my own house just go out to work. Probably nobody will read this but it dont matter I always end up talking to myself.

    • Nicole says:

      Hi onemore! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life puts us through the hard times only to lead us to the happy life we are supposed to lead. You sound like you are going through depression and I have been there, it truly sucks. But believe me it doesn’t last forever. Have you spoken to your doctor? My boyfriend was also depressed last year and sounded a lot like yourself, he was reluctant to see a doctor for months but after doing so he is doing so much better. Depression can really put a strain on a relationship but it doesn’t mean it has to destroy it. I would also suggest looking at this forum http://www.depressionforums.org. You will see you are not alone and there is always hope at the end if these dark times. Keep your head up!

  103. James says:

    I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years and we have always had such a great relationship up until the last few years when she has started to suffer with depression, to start with it was just small spells of feeling low, any change in our relationship would cause her to question our relationship and she would say things like I don’t think we should be together or I want to be on my own to sort this out, I first noticed this when we brought a house together, she was so exited to start with while we were doing the place up and turning it into our home and then when it came to actually moving in things just seem to get to much for her again, she couldn’t move out and I ended up moving in on my own while she stayed at her parents, she again questioned our relationship and fell very depressed, all through this I have been there for her and been by her side and given her the space she needed and eventually after seeing her doctor and getting medication she felt better and moved in. After this things were amazing she felt really happy with everything and we couldn’t have been happier, to the point were I decided I wanted to ask her to marry me. After we got engaged she was over the moon and soon planning the wedding, but after a few months I noticed she started to become distant again and get low over certain things. She has now become very depressed and again is saying things like I need to be on my own and such things as we are not meant to be and that getting married would be a massive mistake, at this point we have now decided to postpone the wedding and I’m trying everything I can to reassure her and be there for her through this tough time, she has currently moved back in with her parents wich I find so hard as all I want to do is make sure she’s ok and look after her, it seems that any big change in life or big moment causes the depressive state which is understandable but I just wish there was something I could do to make it easier for her. I love her so much and I know deep down she loves me but I just hope we can work through this. She sees her doctor again at the moment but says she doesn’t want to take anti depressants as she feels they make her feel emotionally numb when she’s on them and that she can’t express her feelings? She also sees a councillor and says that helps a little. I want to be with her forever and I am willing to do anything I know we are going to have to work together to beat the depression but I’m not sure yet if she wants to work together on this. Would like to hear people’s voice on this any help is much appreciated

  104. Vince says:

    I can totally relate to this article. My relationship of 8 years is really draining me emotionally. I really do love my girlfriend but has really come to a point where, I think it’s best if we part ways. I’m being blammed for every little thing I do, its like she’s always waiting for me to do wrong so she can just go on about it. She’s always the right one and I feel so dominated in this relationship now. I try talking to her about how I feel, she just snaps and gets angry and decides not to say a word. We are in a relationship where I really feel powerless, where she controlls everything. One time she snooped through my phone and started asking me, who are these girls you chat with. Like really now. So by this it meant I’m not suppose to have female friends.

    I spend my days apologising for things I shouldn’t even be apologising for. I carry so much wheight, I’m constantly depressed. Not a single night do I go to bed without feeling sad or depressed. The thing is, it’s not easy to just leave someone you love that easy. I’m confused I really dont’ know what to do.

  105. Nicole says:

    This all sounds so familiar. I have recently split with a man I thought I would spend my life with. We spent 3 years together and each year we have broken up when he was unhappy with his life and constantly blamed me. The last 2 times I did blame myself and tried my best to get back together, this time was different, he got diagnosed with depression in November and I really did try to be there for him even when he made it hard; He has spent the last 2 months emotionally abusing, threatening and behaving in a ridiculously selfish manor. At the start if the year he went to get space and so I encouraged this, he became even more withdrawn. The final straw came when we had to move out of our home ( which was planned for some time) and being told 2 days before that I would no longer be able to live with him as we planned as he needed more time alone. I was left with no where to live and not a care in the world was shown by him. I honestly do not understand how someone u once shared a future with can treat you this way. I do understand now that he must be severely depressed but does that justify his actions? He has since sent me a text telling me what a bad person I am and rude things about my family, he also stated that he doesn’t feel any love for me and is still blaming me for his unhappiness.

  106. Tom says:

    I lost the love of my life because of depression. I started a relationship with the most wonderful person anyone could ever ask to meet in early 2011. We had known each other for 3 years prior and had a great connection so we took things to the next level. By the end of 2011 things had changed at work and I had made the decision to the buy the business I was working for. This changed everything. I became stressed and overtime the terrible stress led to depression. My partner tried to tell me that I was changing and all she wanted was time with me. But I became obsessed and thought my life was only worth living if I could make the business work. I got angry when ever she asked me to spend time with her and honestly thought she just didn’t understand. This went on for a further two years and looking back now I honestly don’t know why she stayed. I became worse and worse. I stopped visiting her family with her and stopped going to see her friends. Mornings became awful.
    About 7 months ago she simply left. And that pushed me into a complete and total breakdown. I lost control completely. I am just about able to deal with losing her now but it has been the hardest 7 months of my life. All I wish is that I could have realised how the depression and stress and changed me before she left. Please try and get through to the person you love before its too late because the pain of losing that person because depression is worse than almost anything I can possible describe.

  107. Ronnie says:

    Wow,that article hit the nail right on the head,I’ve gone through every last one of the 11 things and am still going through them.Sadly I’ve wallowed in my misery too long and have used my common law wife as my emotional punching bag and I do believe I’ve pushed her into looking for companionship elsewhere.Are there support groups for depression in major cities,is love to talk with people that are feeling the same way I do as my partner is too fed up with my behavior to give a damn anymore.

  108. Jayne says:

    Reading this was like reading my life. My boyfriend sadly broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a wonderful 11months together, since then I’ve seen him twice and spoken very briefly. He’s very depressed since his dad died late last year.
    He says he broke it off because he didn’t want us to get worse and that he has no feelings towards anything whatsoever!
    I’ve offered my support and to take him out time and time again, but my attempts are now going ignored.
    I’m completely at a loss as to what to do! Many say, cut my losses and run now! But I can’t let go of what we had and let him suffer alone.
    I’ve since also found out that he’s been messaging a girl he works with, quite flirty messages but the problem is, she has a boyfriend! I can’t decide if he uses this tactic as attention from someone who doesn’t know what he’s going through?
    Or that he’s genuinely forgotten I exist and wants this girl now?
    I’m hurting daily because of this, because he’s told me he wants me in his life still, because each time I’ve left him he’s said “this isn’t the end” does he want me to stick around on tenterhooks waiting for him? I love him so dearly that I would, only if I knew he was getting help!
    Someone help me before I go mad!

    • Haley says:

      I am in the same exact boat.
      Another article on this website helped me understand. https://www.storiedmind.com/depressed-partners/loss-of-feeling-in-depressed-partners/
      Along with that, if I could give some of my own advice/info on my scenario and maybe it could help you.
      A few weeks ago my ex had an uncontrollable crying fit saying that I am a wonderful girlfriend and that he WANTS to love me but can’t feel anything. Then a few days ago he broke up with me. He’s been drinking more, smoking weed, even self harmed a few times… He opened up to me about this, he comes to me for help, and when he is high he feels caring towards me. He, too, says he doesn’t want it to be the end. Now this is where I draw the parallel and can perhaps give you a shred of hope, because it is what I cling too… If your ex says it is not the end and that he didn’t want things to get worse and what mine said, maybe it shows that deep down, under this suffocating depression, they do feel something for us, and when they get better, will feel it strongly again. All we can do is be there for them, whatever they need us as. I hope all works out for you.

    • Bri says:

      My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a week ago after being together for 11 months also. The reasoning was our depression. He is actually diagnosed with it, I’m not but I very much suffer from it. He told me that when we moved in together, 5 months into our relationship, is when he noticed my depression. Reading this is an eye opener cause now I can reflect in see the times where I shown majority of these signs. It sucks and it hurts. Not only am I dealing with a breakup, but I’m finally accepting the fact that I might suffer from depression. Something I tried to deny ever since I was like twelve, and I will be 23 soon. It hurts because I feel like depression ruined our relationship. I love him dearly, and I wish I would have been more proactive in trying to find better ways to cope in our relationship. Depression sucks.

  109. Magnolica says:

    We fell in love 8 years back and knew each other for 10 years (2 years just like that n 2 years of attraction+6 years of marriage)It has been 6 years completed after our marriage. I love him a lot…. But I feel so depressed since the day I came to knw after six months that he has lots of girl friends from different part of world through chat and he used to flirt a lot…talk about sex and ask them to show off using webcam. Even after marriage he continued the same only thing is I am very sure about him is he didn’t see them in person and didn’t have sex with any girls before…..
    But the hard thing is I believed him to the core and it hurts me a lot….. For that we had a big fight and he beat me for the first time…. It still sits on my heart…. How to through that out….. How to be with him full heartedly…..
    I left my parents and d complete family and married him….
    He cares me a lot… He is educating me… Making me to be a better person who can stand on my own…. What ever he do when I wake up I grey a all the past n feel depressed… Even 2 yrs back we have a baby…. He cares her a lot…. But still I h be some negative feeling in my heart….
    Hope I you can help me out.

    • magnolica says:

      Pls help…

    • Don says:

      I like yourself am in the same situation as you. My wife is on chat lines with all these guys and when I get mad at her she says I am always blaming everyone else for my problems! Well if I am upset because she texts on her phone all day with strange guys then I guess I am the one who is screwed up right?
      Go figure to me she is as your husband is disrespecting us both!
      Go find someone else as I will eventually and leave them both to their world of delusion!

  110. Amy says:

    I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 and a half years and depression has very much played it’s part in all of our arguments. My boyfriend feels that I obsess about the negative, but it’s not that I obsess about it, it’s just I remember the bad things the most. I remember more of the hurtful things he’s said/done compared to the wonderful things. It’s also sprung on a huge jealousy. If he looks at or talks to another girl I will instantly think he wants them because they are probably more capable than I am and will be better for him.I cry an awful lot and trust became a huge problem. I started so strongly believing that he’s with me just because the other girls he wanted wouldn’t get with him. My addiction/escape was being with him, he started believing I was too clingy and needy, then when I’d withdraw myself, he started thinking I was pushing him away and made him feel bad. I never really know what to do. My depression is severely effecting my relationship. I’m 18, he’s 18 in 3 months. We’ve been together since we were 15 and the entire time my depression has played a part. We’ve broken up countless times because we can’t handle each other. Thanks to my depression bringing out this huge jealousy, I feel like breaking down when he’s online because of a website called tumblr, he follows lot’s of blogs that have women half dressed or naked or doing private things etc and I get so paranoid and I go on his blog to see if he had been looking at any and it causes such big trust issues. I now feel he has ‘personal’ time with me because he gets turned on by the women he see’s. Another thing is when he complains about my depression so I feel I can’t tell him about it, but then he gets upset if I don’t tell him what’s wrong, but the thing is, he shows many signs of having depression himself and so I really think that plays a part in our relationship. However, he’s very closed and I can’t even try getting through to him because he won’t tell me anything. He struggles to have serious conversations etc with me about this and so I really don’t know what to do. Is there anything on here that can help? My Mum says I should try anti depressants as she is on them and they’re now working for her after a few ups in her dosage, but I’m scared of talking to the doctor about what’s going on. Purely, I’m scared of being judged. I was labelled psychotic in a letter me and a camhs worker wrote together, she wrote about being psychotic after she had left, without discussing it with me, that scared me and now I’m scared to talk to ‘professionals’ in case I am labelled. I’m sorry for writing this on here but I feel typing it out to other people that understand feels like some sort of relief.. I’m sorry if it bothers anyone.

    • jack says:

      Dear Amy,
      Thank you for sharing your story with us. It broke my heart to read your story because some things you’ve explained can be related to what I went through in life. In a way i am happy that you have your mother which you can speak to about your worries. Try and get much help from your mum to bring your focus in to positive things. Every positive and negative feeling we get is due to a state of mind and we have the complete ability to destroy the delusional thoughts from our mind. I am learning and training to understand my mind and transform it to develop good and positive thoughts. Our mind has to be the most complex thing in this world but we have the ability to master it. I’am reading books written about transforming our mind. I also meditate sometimes so you can also try to do something like that too. A simple breath in breath out meditation can help a lot to bring your mind to a peaceful state when it’s agitated. Also talk to your bf about how you honestly feel. When you two talk, make sure you stay calm and ask him to do the same. I hope all goes well for you. Feel free to ask anything anytime on here. We are all here for two resons. It’s either to receive some help and comfort or to give help and comfort. Take care

  111. John says:

    SO much of this rings true to me,my partner is depressed. It started noticeably around 18 months ago with little things how he would handle situations not going his way etc. so about a year ago i suggested seeing a dr and after a few attempts he finally gave in and went and was told he has depression and that was that the dr didnt want to give him medication but recutantly gave him some aswell as follow up appointments for Counselling as i was told.

    8 months ago it got really bad and i demanded that he got help, and he went back to a new Dr and got new meds (he stopped taking the others) things didnt really improve and still havent he has outburts when things dont go his way has mood swings that can change in a instant. all this has slowly been taking its toll on me, I always was a very upbeat positive person, but over the last year ive found myself withdrawing from things i used to enjoy i barely talk to my friends because i dont want to burden them with his/my problems, and when my friends to try to talk i dont want to talk or cant really be bothered to talk to them, also because im “not allowed” or “trusted” to have my own life. Its been 6 months since we have had sex because i honestly cant face being intimate with him, i try and explain that its because of his depression and outbursts have left me not wanting to have sex, his depression has driven a huge wedge between us but yet im not ready to give up on saving the relationship.

    When he has his outbursts, he blames me for them for him being unhappy, and that its my fault that we havent had sex for months, he brings things up that happened weeks or even months ago, when i ask him to pick up after himself (for instance i left his empty packets of crisps, 4 glasses 3 plates for 2 days) he shouts and causes a argument because ive asked him to do something or when he does something like the dishes he does them Half assed and when i say about it another argument ensues, about how he cant do anything right how he’s always wrong and stupid, and he then makes it to be my fault for saying anything about it. he says we dont do anything together but the last few months ive made a point of going out together for a hour or so just around town, but he says we never do anything together its a no win situation.

    After another huge row tonight which started last night (he hasnt spoken to me all day or at least in one word answers) when i asked him to sort the stuff on the bed out (to which he sorted some and moved the rest to my side of the bed) and when i mentioned it he stormed off to sleep in the living room tonight a huge fight happened things were thrown and broken, ive now found out that he deliberately hasnt been taking his pills for almost the last 2 months.

    Im at a loss as to what to do, ive isolated myself in the bedroom on a daily basis because being around him is to much, i dont talk to friends about it, all i know is his depression has caused me to lose who i was.

    • Jennifer says:

      I’m in the exact same boat as you. Almost word for word, only that we have 2 young children also (2 and 1). I feel I cant turn to anyone and have completely lost who I was, I have no idea who I am anymore. I’m at a loss with him, today we were travelling in the car to go clean my great grandads house to help him out (he’s 90), we were having a laugh in the car and then BAM! I’m a back seat driver, I’m taking the mick, I’m annoying him, shut up, shut up, etc. I explain we were joking and don’t understand where this has come from but he just gets angrier and angrier. Our kids are in the back so I’m talking to him as calmly as possible. Then suddenly, not going to grandads no more, find your own way there, get out, walk, get your mum to pick you up, etc. (none of these are possible, felt like a prisoner really). Along with SO many serious aspects of thinking “why am I still with you?!” I eventually say when we’re close to home that I can’t do it anymore and that’s it I’m done. He obviously has no emotion to this because of his depression. I’m so stuck. I can never bring myself to leave but I need help in answering a question I strongly long to ask someone but don’t want to go to friends or family. Please help if you have any answer whatsoever it’s driving me crazy with confusion, guilt, unhappiness, etc. My question is this:
      Just because we’re married and he’s now depressed (has been for years) and he’s called me his rock previously when helping him through this hard time, does that forgive him of all the horrible stuff he’s done to me in the past and present? When he goes off the rails, or does drugs when I swore I’d end it if he ever did again but he did it anyway despite me being right in front of him reminding him of what I’ve said? Or when he cheated on me a couple of years back with my supposed friend (not close friend, not that it matters) or when he scares me or the kids with his anger outbursts? Or when he goes bad mouthing me to his family about how horrible I am when I’ve not done anything wrong?
      Just as an insight to the few things running through my mind, honestly, am I supposed to just breathe and help him through it? Cos if I am I’ll stay and help further but if this ‘being a rock’ business means it going both ways and I’m receiving nothing on my part, is it acceptable to part ways?
      Please, any advice appreciated. I feel suffocated. I have no one to talk to.

      • Mary says:

        Jennifer,
        You and I are on the same boat, I also have two kids and have been living with my depressed husband for about 9 years.
        I have asked myself the same question plenty of times, I now feel I have reached my limit we are still living together and things are “calm” for now but I know it is just a matter of time until the next crisis or outburst. I’m giving it time but I would not blame you if you walk away.

        • sue says:

          I feel so awful for you both. Reading your words Jennifer was like reading my life at the moment. My husband suffers from depression also and until reading your words today I used to wonder if his nastiness was his character as no-one else I’ve ever spoken to (or things I’ve read online) have said about how mean someone with depression can be to their partner.

          I have a child and am worried about how my husbands angry outbursts will affect her and also how it has affected me. I love him deeply and feel helpless when he is experiencing a depressed episode but find it awful trying to deal with the lonliness it brings me.

          I have also asked myself the same questions and sadly have no other advice then that mentioned by Mary.

          My husband keeps asking why we are still together after he’s had an outburst and says that we are more like friends. I find this really confusing as during the ‘calm’ period before an outburst things are fine and so his comments about us being together for the sake of our child make me question whether he really does love me anymore. I hope he does but it feels awful when he says he’s felt like this for ages and I’m then left wondering if he really is just staying with me because it’s the easy option.

          Ultimately I think that one day, if the behaviour continues for long enough that you will be able to acknowledge that you love him, but not in the way that your relationship needs. Personally the worry about how it will affect my child when they are old enough to understand things more is the greatest fear – I don’t want them to see him calling me names/shouting/swearing at me and generally having a tantrum over the tiniest of things – it doesn’t set a very good example even though I’m aware he can’t seem to help it.

          I do also wonder about the fact that I’m relatively young and so wonder how I will feel 20+ years down the line to still be married to someone who treats me like that as a result of their illness. It doesn’t make me feel very good…

          • E says:

            I just want to say thank you for asking this. I’ve been with my partner for over 12yrs. We’ve now got a 7 & 3 yr old.

            In the early years we used to have a great relationship. We did fight but the good times outweighed the bad and we really loved each other.

            Looking back, I think my husband was showing signs of depression for a while, but it was formally diagnosed 3yrs ago. We had a 6 month old and I worked eve’s, we hardly saw each other – it got so strained that I insisted on going for counselling. During this process, I realised that I had feelings of depression and was given medication from my gp. During the counselling my husband was very honest and admitted he knew that he was emotionally manipulating me and didn’t say anything bad about me. But rapidly went downhill and was shortly diagnosed with depression himself.

            Within a few weeks of taking medication I felt better, I agreed with my gp to come off it. I now believe that living in that environment, with a 4yr old and a newborn just got too much for me. Once I knew he was I’ll, it was like a weight was lifted. I gained the ability to be compassionate, understanding and to forgive his outbursts. Because he was I’ll and seeking help.

            However, after attending 5 CBT sessions, he decided to come off medication because he now understands his condition and has techniques to use when he realises that he’s feeling low.

            Except that the techniques seem to be invisible to me. I see a lot of the same symptoms, yet I’ve got to accept them because its his illness, not him. But it’s so hard. I feel so cheated as, when he’s in a good place, I never know what triggers a downturn. I nearly always get caught off-guard. It’s like I forget and then it feels worse to live with than the last time.

            I am so torn, I vowed for better or worse, but man I’m so drained. I now find myself unable to maintain the compassion and have started letting my anger at the situation come out. I don’t know if I’m just all out of compassion, or if I am back to having a level of depression.

            My reaction this past 2 episodes (though there was such a short gap, they may all be the same one), has made his attitude to me even worse. It’s barely concealed contempt.

            But I still love the person, I’m scared to leave him, but I don’t know how much longer I can live with the depression. And I’ve not had the guts to really think about the effects on the kids long-term.

            I, too can’t bare to think this is my life until the day I (or he) dies. But I will literally rip the family apart if I go.

            During a “good” period, he refuses to discuss the depression. The only time I’ve tried to push it, ended up causing an episode which was squarely blamed on me as I know he suffers with depression. As horrible as it sounds, it’s like the ultimate Get Out of Jail free card.

            Sorry for the long ramble, but I an so relieved to have found other people who I can identify with.

  112. Louis says:

    So I’ve been severely depressed for about 2years, it started off small and gradually got worse, it started when I first got with my girlfriend, I was scared of rejection which I have had all my life, I make remarks about how I don’t like all these things about her… I few weeks ago I accidentally hit her… It drove me to attempting suicide because I couldn’t believe I did it… I regret everything… She almost left me New Year’s Eve as she had enough, we are on a break and we both feel worried and scared but also excited to start the relationship again, but my worry keeps taking over about our future because she goes to uni this year and she wants me but because of all this I’ve done because of my depression.. I’m so scared that she will leave all I wamt to do is be the best for her, but my depression is holding me down, mostly my anxiety and negativity, I’m such an asshole and I just want to die.. Because I did this to us and her mad I keep worrying that we won’t last because we’re young and been together since we were 16.. Now 18 (together 2years) and I keep thinking if she is this or that and worrying and recently my feelings are coming back and I miss her and crave her the way I once did, I need my past did this to me, even with my therapy I see no way out of thinking this was, even when I lighten up and think positive I worry about losing her and I just want to make her happy no matter what and I just can’t… I’m so confused and I actually feel lost

  113. Jake says:

    In September I went to uni and within a few weeks I broke up with my long term boyfriend, previous to this I had been very unhappy for a while (not in the relationship but in myself), I had never spoken to anyone, not even him about how i was feeling. On top of this in January he broke up with me because i have controlling tendencies, and get very jealous when he leads his own life, because i feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, and i get anxious about what he is doing and if he is thinking about me. A few weeks ago we decided to give it another chance, yet again I have ruined it by being controlling. I urgently need help i have been unhappy for a very long time and have had thoughts of suicide and self harm. Recently i told him about how depressed i have been feeling so he knows that. Do you think there is any chance he would take me back, he is the love of my life, and i can’t let my depression ruin something so special. He says that he knows i will never change but i don’t think he realises how this depression is controlling me and my personality. I don’t want to be controlling over him but i am just so unhappy.

    • McKenzie says:

      Hello Jake,

      Thanks for sharing. To answer your question, I do believe there is a chance that you can have a relationship again with him however, I believe the key here is going to be for you to truly open up with him and let him know how you’re feeling. I understand that is always easier said than done, especially when you might not be able to find the words to explain to someone how you’re feeling but he will need to know and be kept in your loop if you want it to work out with him. My gf finally opened up to me about her depression and it made a world of difference both with how we communicate and how she needs me to best be here for her when she’s at her worst. Trust in the love you have between you and all will be okay. Best of luck to you.

      • steal horse says:

        Hey Jake very good advice you gave out. I believe my gf could be in and out of depression. Well I am sure she is, my question is this. We had a very good relationship up to a point. We did lots of things healthy couples do and the passion was amazing. Towards the 4 year mark her mother had become sick and she had a little girl that lived with her mom so finally she was going to have the opportunity to kind of raise the girl, plus great bonding time and mend past problems with her mom. All went well for about 7 months the I started acting neurotic about less and less phone time. Me and my ex would drink together sometimes and physically fight at times. 3 fight in 4 years and honestly one was too much, mixing booze with emotion is a dangerous combination. The last fight we got into was almost two years prior to her going to her moms. I said some pretty mean things to her mothers day because she had started pulling these disappearing acts and telling her parents she was at my house ,but I would talk to her nightly and she would always tell me stories about how her day went with daughter and that she had to go get her ready for bath or something. Once her mom started calling me I confronted her and she just needed time away, her mom could be a lot of stress on her at times. I hear rumors about infidelity from friends and would reply maybe she just needs to get that out of her system and that I was no body to judge. Up until a few days ago we were still talking some and she mentioned several times that she had interest in wiping slate clean and making trying to see if we could make it work because she not only told me but she had told my parents as well that she had never loved anyone the way she loved me and I felt the same. this has made us both kind of depressed but I just had to re-channel some energy and I don’t feel depressed or sad very often like I was. How can I get her to open up to me and regain that emotional connection we had. No not that we had because I have spent lots of time reading and studying self help I want a JOB. Not any job but a job working for you material. Really I am so consumed with learning myself and uncovered a lot about myself I just wasn’t aware of. We are in our 40s and people make bad chooses at times but I want her to grasp that I have honestly took great steps into correcting character flaws and that will continue through life for everyone I would hope? I truly am sorry for lack of no better words acting like a insecure dick, and I see how immature that made me look, plus I put off the vibe of being needy and ill admit I acted that way with just shock this was happening. Can we develop something way better than we had before with work?

  114. Cortney says:

    Well a lot of this seemed to hit home. I can’t remember the last time I felt “normal.” From losing my daughter while pregnant 7 years ago in a not so common way, to countless mentally abusive relationships, and just a general sense of… feeling like a lost cause; I’m not even sure what “normal” would feel like if it hit me square between the eyes.
    I single handedly ran my last long term relationship into the ground because of my insecurities, my binge drinking, and constant need to fight about every little thing possible. I am in a new relationship, and I find myself doing the same thing. Every little thing bothers me, I create problems that aren’t there, I get extremely hurt when he lives his own life, because I feel like when he isn’t with me… he is going to realize he’s better off without me, and will eventually abandon me; and when I drink too much, I let all my anger out on him, and then tell him over and over that he doesn’t really love me, which he assures me countless times that he does. Deep down I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved because I feel like an unlovable, horrible person. I doubt everything, my self esteem is at an all time low. I sleep too much, I find my self not being able to eat lately, and I just feel like a big helpless mess… Even when I get 8 hours of sleep, I feel drained all day, and completely unmotivated to do anything. Even my job, which is pretty easy and laid back. I feel like everyone is out to get me most of the time, and I find myself having to monitor every single thing I do or say because I have a tendency to lash out and say extremely harmful things unintentionally. I Feel like I shouldn’t have to do that, but I just don’t know. I know this isn’t “me.” I feel like a shell of myself. And after years of feeling this way, I guess it’s time to take action before I further ruin my life and relationships. It’s definitely not fair to my SO, especially since he has problems of his own. (He is an ex marine.) I guess, I keep putting off seeking help, because I don’t want anything to be wrong, and I don’t want to have to rely on medication to be a functioning, stable person in society. But I can’t keep blaming my actions and moodswings on being a girl. Being 24, that is not right.

    • McKenzie says:

      Hi Cortney,

      Did you know that there are over 19 million people in the US who suffer from depression? It’s not a bad thing, it happens. It doesn’t mean that something is “wrong” with you nor does or would it make you any less of a person. I hope you find the courage and strength though to talk to someone. There are other avenues to help get you out of this rut that don’t involve having to take medication. A lot of times just talking to a professional- someone biased that doesn’t know you personally- can really help and give you a new boost of confidence and outlook. Best of luck to you.

  115. Mike says:

    I have been dating a girl with depression for the past 3 months. Her ex boyfriend was abusive, emotionally, physically and sexually. She is also diagnosed with depression and attempted suicide in the past.

    When I first met her we got along great and connected on an intimate level. She opened up to me and disclosed her past which was huge to her because she doesn’t tell anyone about her past and expose herself in a vulnerable way. She portrays herself as being strong and independent, I know this can be compensating for her insecurities. Things were fine and our relationship was progressing. We both go to school full time at the same college and are heavily involved in organizations so out time together is usually restricted for weekends. In the beginning we would talk for hours and enjoy each others company but over the past month I have seen regression in her openness and emotional connection between us. After observing this behavior and not addressing it for about a month I addressed it when the semester ended to see what was wrong.

    She told me she wasn’t sure about us anymore and that she needs space. She said it wasn’t anything I was doing and that she is doesn’t want to pursue a relationship right now because she still resents her ex and feels emotionless inside and it isint fair to me because she can’t express the love I show her back. I’m so confused because I made her happy in the beginning and clicked so well. All I want for her is to be happy but I’m afraid of losing her. My biggest question is that is all this a function of her depression or is that she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Help 🙁

    She went back home for the break and we left on improved terms in which she reopened up to me and told me she is frustrated that everyone still treats her like she is that depressed and scared girl that she is trying so hard to not be, we kissed and connected for the first time on a couple weeks. She is extremely bright and is completely aware of all of her issues. She takes medication and talks with professionals. She went back home for the semester gap so I won’t see her for 20 days. I just want to know my best approach and how to handle this situation to help get the most and maintain our relationship because I want to help her

    • McKenzie says:

      Mike –

      Thanks for sharing your situation with your girlfriend. First off, my heart goes out to you for continuing to love her even through the confusion. To answer your biggest question: yes, that is all a function of her depression. It is a great thing that she is taking medicine and seeing a therapist for her depression however, depending on the severity, even with medication and talk therapy, this will always be an issue in the relationship, if you should choose to stay with her.

      I have been dealing with the up and down rollercoaster of my partners depression for over a year now. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers with depression, I can’t even fathom what they go through on a daily basis. My partner is currently not medicated or seeing a therapist. We have finally gotten to the point where we can talk about it openly but the action to get her help is completely out of my control. You said you have only been dating your girlfriend for 3 months, correct? Do you see a true and lasting connection there?

      I have known my partner for 8 years, we were best friends in HS then parted ways during college and reconnected a year and a half ago. During the time we didn’t keep in contact, she was in an abusive relationship and it was that relationship that has triggered her depression. I am well aware of how tough depression is on the depressed, but it is truly very hard on the ones who are closest to them. Really, really hard. Everything that you read above in the article is completely spot on and very indicative of how a depressed person acts/feels. Your head will never spin with more confusion that when you’re trying to figure out how to best communicate or support a depressed person. In general. It’s 110 times worse when there’s an intimate connection there. Moods can switch quicker than one can blink with my partner and the results therein surround me with feelings of abandonment, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and a plethora of other feelings when she is in the throws of depression.

      I ask if you see the relationship being a lasting connection because I’m not sure that anyone realizes the drain and impact that it will have on your life being a support system. Every situation is different but if you don’t see it being long term, I would suggest being there for her as a friend. That is my suggestion solely because I know the toll is it taken on my heart and my self esteem, and you’d be surprised how quickly your self esteem and self worth leaves you and you don’t know until its already gone or already 3/4 depleted. Keeping enough space ensued through a friendship, not a relationship, will just help to protect you from the depths. You seem like a very sweet, loving and understanding guy and I hope you will remember to keep your own needs in check while being there for your girlfriend. Also, I’m positive that your presence in her life means more than she can probably find the words or emotion to tell you.

      • Mike says:

        McKenzie,

        Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate the feedback and advice.

        Everything you have said makes sense, and to answer your question I do see a long lasting connection between us. We connect and go together better than either of us has with any other person, in regards to a relationship.

        I do see this relationship long term. I do not want to give up on her as I am stunned by how much I care about her. Since we went through the moment of uncertainty I have come to realize how much I value her as a friend and partner.

        It all makes sense that this a function of depression. She is an extremely hard working, driven person, who puts a lot on herself academically which compiled with the past can be overwhelming to her.

        Let me give you some more details to the situation, Last semester was when she was dealing with her most difficult spell of depression. She lives in Chicago, so she was away from home which did not help the situation. Last semester her grades suffered and she lost a ton of weight, skipping class because she couldn’t get out of bed, putting her scholarship in jeopardy. I did not know her then but from what she tells me about it was pretty bad. When I first met her this semester she projected such optimism, playfulness and life. I understand that she can be overcompensating for her insecurities but she is such a resilient and intelligent girl. She recognizes all of her problems and emotional issues and is doing what she needs to fix them. She is very in tuned with herself and her emotions.

        We hit it off so well and dated casually and as things progressed she opened up to me and eventually told me about everything, allowing herself to be vulnerable. Before she met me she was scared and sometimes of skittish around me and all men because she was afraid of being physically hurt. She constantly would need validation that I care about her and I wasn’t going to hurt her. She let me in emotionally and we cuddle, kiss and physical contact is welcomed. We have not had sex, nor is that important. As the semester went on we stopped seeing each other as much because of academics and organizational priorities and I noticed things were stagnate. We would still hangout and go about the same way in which we treated each other but I saw a regression in her. To be completely honest, I have never dealt with anything like this but at the same time I have never cared about someone so much. Over the past 3 weeks I can admit tingly say I was not as in tuned with her emotions as I should have been which could have brought up skepticism in her mind about my motives. As previously stated in my last comment, things were left off face-to-face when I went to see her off to her hometown for the semester break. She reopened up to me and told me about how she was frustrated with everyone still treating her as if she is a “loose cannon” and she is extremely stressed because of school and everything. We ended up kissing and sharing a solid moment. She also said she doesn’t understand why I would want to put up with her and that she cant show me the love I deserve.

        Over the break there have been some positive signs, she has initiated contact with me, including flirty and even selfies of herself. The relationship is in no way solidified as she said she wanted space and time and I am sure she is using it. I can tell she is conflicted but she is showing signs of still wanting this to work. I will not have physical contact with her for 20 more days, which scares me because I know that it is important. I just want her to be happy.

        To answer you’re question. I do want to invest myself into her. I know that it will be worth it even though its going to be a painful and long journey, she is worth it me. Please let me know what you think, and how I should approach this.

        Thank you,

        -Mike

        • McKenzie says:

          Mike,

          I am still so impressed by you. You have a good heart, don’t ever lose that! I apologize for the delay in response. I truly feel that you should continue to follow your heart and your gut instincts. It seems to me that you are a good fit for her and she knows that. That’s why she feels able to be open with you. This is a huge deal if you didn’t know. My advice though is to just make sure that you keep track of your own feelings and well-being at all times of course, but definitely when or if she seems to be in the throws of her depression. I think you’re doing all the right things and it is my hope that she will continue to better her situation both for herself and for your relationship together. Showing her love and compassion, just as you have been, will pay off. I see you both being very happy together. 🙂 🙂

  116. pavel says:

    I’ve been depressed for the longest time. I always avoid my family and friends. I can’t sleep at night. If I do some competitive sports I’m happy, but not long after I’m back to being depressed. I get lost in my thoughts and stare at something for hours. If someone comes by to ask if I’m OK, I put on a fake smile and say everything is fine then go on my way. For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to lose all my friends and get away from family. An image of a knife stabbing my heart keeps playing in my head like a broken record. I think about all the different ways I can kill myself. When I pass a bridge I imagine myself jumping off. My life seems pointless, like nothing matters. We are all going to die anyways so I should just speed up the process. I don’t want this. I want to be free. Please help me.

    • Lynn says:

      I am no expert on depression or a therapist but feeling that way isn’t worth your own life. You may be hopeless, confused, you may have isolated yourself from all those that love you but If you can’t muster up the strength to seek help yourself do it for those that love you.

      My boyfriend is suffering from depression and he won’t admit it. Instead he broke up with me and won’t even talk to me. When he did this I tried to kill myself because I felt I was suffocating and didn’t want to feel that pain anymore. But if you love your friends and family even if you can’t express that right now then go seek help. Go see a professional. You can’t see any light or point to it, but it will end. And not because you end it because there is help, there is hope and things can and well get better. Hold on to that. People fall apart sometimes for reasons beyond their control but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the end of all things, including your life.

      • aj says:

        “People fall apart sometimes for reasons beyond their control but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the end of all things, including your life.”

        i think thats very true, and i think part of the pain of depression is at least a partial understanding that things out of your control are affecting or have affected you a lot of different ways. it seems a lot that people with strong coping skills often aren’t too much different from people suffering from something like depression, but often have high self-esteem, or even just realistic self-esteem. i know depression in my case has pushed me to limits of self-hate that were really just delusional. so if i could add anything to say to pavel is don’t or stop underestimating yourself, and come to some self-understanding that you in truth aren’t worthless at all; suffering and depression change obviously how you feel about yourself, and in some sense you are separated from yourself. find with time what makes you feel good, even a little spark of it and follow that. idk if that adds anything but really don’t/never kill yourself. permanent solution to temporary problems..

  117. olay says:

    Okay, this made me understand alot more than what i have from now from reading about depression and various other things. My girlfriend just hit her 2nd depression after we got together(we been together half a year). She tried her everything to push me away this sunday when the first signs of depressions started. But i tried my best to reassure her and show my love and care for her in the ways i could(long distance currently). And after sunday we have barely talked at all, we use to talk and have fun with games almost every day.

    Today nothing, and the two other days it’s just been like 2-5 messages total. So i guess this would be totally normal for a depressed girlfriend. So i’m thinking i should give her space and let her crawl out of her shell and contact me in a few days, or if i dont hear anything by friday i should contact her and let her know i’m still there for her. She has mostly isolated herself with TV the last days(she almost always prefers to be on computer, so watching TV so much is completely new).

    So i feel devastated that i don’t know how’s shes doing or feeling, and feel this would end the whole relationship. As she tried to push me away for the 3rd time this weekend, and said i should find someone more stable. So is there anyone that’s able to give some advice? or should i stick with the let her contact me, if not by friday, i contact her?

    • Barney says:

      My friend I have read your post and many others and the one thing that stands out is the love and care that you have and everyone else has , a depressed person does not look to battle with anyone but they believe you are trying to have a battle with them so they attack you make you question your actions even to the point that you believe you could be hurting them when your not .
      I have just come out of a 3 month relationship and it was so new to me and totally draining to be with someone who accused me of everything , from a happy well balanced guy I new if I stayed in this relationship I would become less of a person.
      When you start to lose who you are and you become almost like a depressed person then you have to ask yourself do I stay and die inside or go and love life to the full ?

  118. Amanda says:

    What u wrote on this page sounds like me… I am with an amazing man for 4 1/2 years now… I have been depressed for a year now and the feelings I have for him right now I don’t know why they are there… I have my moments where I know I am in love with him but it doesn’t last long… it’s hard for me to be around him bc I feel like I am lying to him all the time… I feel like I am lying to everyone as well… I cant even say sweet things to him anyone without feeling I am pretending…

    I have been on medication this past year but it did nothing…. there is no reason for me to feel this way for him… :'( I really don’t wanna break up with him but everytime I say that the voices in my head says it’s bc u don’t wanna hurt him… one time this year that voice was gone for a whole week and I was able to really enjoy my time with him… I test myself all the time which this page says it’s obsessive thinking…. :'( I don’t want it to end there is so much more I wanna do with him… I don’t wanna give up on our relationship. :'(

    • caz says:

      Hi Amanda,
      Holy crap this sounds exactly like me. Been with my bf for over 5 years and last night I tried to break up with him for no reason. Hes a great guy and same as you have those moments when its grate but like you say it doesn’t last long. We used to have fun and everything but about the last 6 months to a year I’ve been feeling pretty indifferent to the relationship. I never even considered it was depression until today when I freaked out at work after what I did. I’m not sure what I want and I don’t know if that’s because I might be depressed (think I’m am based on the research I’ve done today, oddly was ticking a lot of boxes but didn’t realise til I saw everything in a list together – thought I was just being lazy or a bit unmotivated). Or is it the relationship? Yep that obsessive thinking sounds pretty accurate.
      The ironic thing is for the first year of the relationship I helped him through depression and didn’t even see this coming. This confusion is f***ed. I know you wrote this over a month ago so hope ur doing better since then, not sure why I wrote except that I was relived someone else felt the same 🙂

  119. cher lee says:

    Will writing a letter once a week, help? Not sending text messages or private message via WhatsApp. The person in question had actually
    Shut out totally from me, via any social media. It was a family member who told me he has depression, and now going through an episode. Not sure if writing a letter will make him push me further away. I had thought this mode of communication with him, is not so direct, n no pressure for any reply. Can anyone advise?

  120. Dakota H. says:

    When will the rest of the article be posted? On how to deal with these traps, I mean.

  121. Lynn says:

    Well you’ve hit the nail right on the head with this one. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months now, we argue and get on each other’s nerves like most couples but we make an amazing team. I have no doubt that this is the man I want to marry. But in just a couple days he has turned into this cold person, that shows no compassion for how I feel. He says that he suffers from situational depression and is on Meds for depression but he is pushing me far far away. He took four hours to write 4 thank you notes because he didn’t want to have to hang out or be around me. He can’t sleep, his insomnia is so bad. I can feel him toss and turn all night. He first blames himself and can’t comprehend why he is depressed, but today he said he thinks it might have something to do with us. I love him so much and I am a very strong person, how do help him when he wont let me?

    I just don’t understand.
    L

  122. A man says:

    Every issue you mentioned is spot on. I have been living with severe depression and anxiety for my whole life. I have always struggled to manage but as I got older I saw my friends, family and peers excel in life past me. I became more and more isolated due to my embarrassment and shame over my life situation.

    A beautiful woman came into my life and really believed in me. She was my dream girl in almost every way but its nearly impossible to love another person when you cant even love yourself. We went through every stage you mentioned in your post. My low self-esteem and poor self image makes me expect and anticipate rejection and abandonment. As I saw the intensity with which this girl loved me and tried to help me, the more intense my feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness intensified. I felt I would eventually let her down. I felt like such a loser – what could a beautiful, outgoing, driven person such as herself see in me? I felt it was only a matter of time until she saw who I really was ( a loser stuck in perpetual depression and self loathing) and abandon me – just like everyone before her.

    She refused to give up but my depression is just too strong. The closer she would get, the further I would push her away. The intense feelings of shame and embarrassment and wothlessness in the face of someone trying their best to help you is a level of pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. I turned my fear into anger and was starting fights and arguments for no reason. I would have almost psychotic temper tantrums (no violence) and just yell and scream and want to quit.

    Eventually – she didnt want to deal with it anymore. It was too hard and she had tried everything she could. She had to let go and she did. Now I am left feeling abandoned even though I pushed her away. I pushed her away because I was trying to manage the sadness I would feel when she left. I turned to anger as a way to combat shame and fear. Sitting here knowing my illness caused me to hurt someone that loved me and pushed me into a deeper hole than before ia almost unbearable. I dont expect anyone to read or respond but I had to write it out.

    Well written blog.

    • Me says:

      Hi A Man,
      I just wanted to say that you sound like you could be writing about my situation, but from the point of view of my wonderful, depressed ex-partner. In fact, I wish it were my ex-partner writing, because at least then I would know that he understood what had happened and did genuinely care about me. It can be very painful to be pushed away by someone who you love.
      In my eyes it is brave to acknowledge your difficult feelings and you seem to have a good amount of insight into your own situation. I am sorry that you are so unhappy and I hope that you are getting some help. There are many, many different ways to treat depression and I would urge you to see that as a challenge to find one that may work for you. Of course there are drugs and talking therapies, but there are also many other approaches -the most interesting of which, in my opinion, is nutritional and amino acid therapy. I have found The Mood Cure in particular an incredibly interesting read and it has taught me a lot about the biochemistry of depression.
      Finally, it does sound like you pushed your partner away very hard, but do not underestimate the strength of love. Strangely, although I have been completely sidelined and gone from being all to nothing important in the eyes of my depressed ex, my feelings for him are just as strong as they always were. I personally do not blame him for what has happened and wish him well in every sense. That said, neither your ex, nor anyone, can be your saviour -only you can do that, but once you are feeling well who knows what may be possible?
      Please never lose hope x

  123. Jayme says:

    This really hits home lately as my now ex Brokeup with me 2 weeks ago and stopped contacting me. Throughout our 10 month relationship everything started out great. There were moments of affection, intimacy, and she would always tell me how I made her feel great, feel Different, how I was winning her heart over. The next remaining months contained many ups and downs with emotions where she would seem uninterested at times, making me question where our relationship was headed… Did she lose interest? What was I doing wrong? I am more of an affectionate romantic guy who is in touch with my emotions and always gives advice to others on theirs. I understand people, or so I thought until experiencing depression from her first hand. I never held this against her and she was hurting herself at times, self medicating with alcohol in spurts, pornography, but always took her zoloft everyday. She was always the best at faking she was ok and wearing a smile, laughing with friends and being social. However I saw her pain and depression. I always offered to listen and just be there for her but she always considered herself a “vault” when it came to feelings and emotions. Over time she became increasingly distant but then would suddenly become needy, affectionate and intimate again. Just to sink back within a moments notice. I found myself developing my own anxiety and became medicated because I was always constantly trying to read her mind and didn’t know how to approach her at what time and moment. I always surprised her with things, bought her sweet meaningful gifts, paid so much attention to her and have always been good at noticing small things like her new hair style or new clothing. Etc. She always felt guilty about me buying things, being so nice to her, and always told me she couldn’t reciprocate the intimacy I showed her. She truly had a block when it came to expressing romance. At the drop of a hat after a pointless meaningless arguement she decided that we were compatible anymore, she was too messed up for me. She had started hurting herself again, I deserved so much better because I had done nothing but be amazing to her. She couldn’t possibly comprehend how someone like herself could be with someone like me. Someone so sweet, kind, and caring. I tried reassuring her I’ve always been there for her and always would be. She said she would miss me terribly and always look back fondly on our times. That all the signs of her being in love with me were there but she’s not capable of feeling love. But now she’s gone.. And I haven’t heard from her since. The last moment was an email I received late the night of the breakup saying “I just want to let you know I’m sorry, again”. I am crushed.

    • Indie says:

      Dear Jayme,
      I am sorry to hear what both of you are going through. When someone in a depression, they can shut down doors to all the loved ones. Sometimes depressed people can express their feelings to a stranger than a close friend or family member. However, it can depend on the individual. I think it would be best if you give her some space for a while. This can be a very hard thing to do but it could help you both to re-adjust your mind and realise what is import. You can call it a spiritual separation. I hope things will get better for you both. Good luck 🙂

      Regards,
      Indie

  124. tiredofwaiting says:

    At first you used love
    To make me feel safe
    Had no clue that your life was all over the place.

    Then summer came and the days grew long
    You put in the effort – I knew we belonged.

    You’d dance round the kitchen,
    We kissed on the floor,
    I thought in those moments;
    ‘I need noone more’

    Then the contact stopped.
    It was like a cork popped.
    And your love seemed to pour,
    All over that floor.

    I felt hopeless and sad that I couldn’t restore,
    Or bring back belief,
    Make you feel love once more.

    The one thing you yearned for – I couldn’t replace,
    I’d have given the earth to stop tears on your face.

    I stepped back and waited to see if it came,
    Did I dream that first kiss we shared out in the rain?
    Back when we’d have fun,
    When you weren’t in such pain.

    I tried and I tried – I could do nothing more,
    To bring back the love that lay there on that floor.

  125. Lily says:

    Hi,
    I recently started a treatment for depression, i had to lose the love of my life (My Husband) in order to know this was a very serious disease and that i had to take action not only because it was the cause of my failure as a wife but also because i was at the edge of dying when my relationship ended. I had been diagnosed with major depression and was referred to a psychiatric but i started feeling better and ignored my Dr’s recommendation, I came into this relationship when i had just recovered from an episode of depression my husband boosted up my recovery but never actually witnessed an episode, got engaged married just a few months after i know i was married the one i had no doubt, but through all the stress of relocating to a new city, preparing not one but two weddings one in my home town and the other in his hometown, quitting my job and been away from all the people i knew and loved along with some other issues i lost my self completely, i started a marriage completely lost in my emotions i was stressed, sad, confused, annoyed and Depressed, it seemed impossible to adapt, i had no desire to do anything or see anyone, i could not get out of bed. My husband did not know what to do he couldnt understand my behavior, he tried his best to make me feel comfortable and he did almost anything possible to make me happy but it was useless, i was just not there mentally. He started losing him self after a couple of months he was not as loving as before, he was cold, irritable this just made everything worst i felt unwanted and i started giving up on my self, we couldnt talk to each other anymore, we would argue for any reason it was getting from bad to worst. So i left, i didnt know what to do, he was hurt and i was very hurt too, it was necessary to give each other some space to calm our selves down and clear our head, he tried several times to work things out but i know i was not ready i could not figured out yet my way out of all those bad feelings. I was so lost, the last time we met was a failure so i decided to bring up divorce why? i dont know i just wanted to be ok and i wanted him to be ok. He refused to ever consider it but i kept on insisting at that moment my easy way out. He finally gave up and agreed which brought me to the worst episode of my life, i had lost the guy i loved the most, for the first time of my life i was heartbroken i started having constant suicidal thoughts, i would see my family suffer seeing me that way and not knowing what to do to help me, i was deeply sad and just wanted to be ok i wanted to feel normal again i felt i was dying slowly. Finally searched for help amd referred to a mental health facility where i will be seen a psychiatric, a Dr., group meeting and meds. This is the beginning of a new life, i need to heal. Nothing hurts more that losing my husband over depression, i could of avoid it if i would have helped my self before, if i would of not ignored this ugly disease i been dragging since i was a teenager.

    • Indie says:

      Dear Lily,
      I am deeply sorry to hear what you are going through. I believe I can understand what you are going through. I first came to this website several weeks ago because I thought I was going through an episode of depression. I have always been a person who was very close to my wife. I built my whole family life around her. I have no close friends or family around me. I think this made me become more and more close and attach to my wife. I always thought we are a team of two. It never bothered me that I don’t have friends or that I don’t have a life outside my marriage. Because of my this behavior, I’ve started loosing the few friends I had but I was still happy because I was around the love of my life. Overtime I became so dependable on my wife’s love. We’ve been together for almost a decade now. Few years ago there was a incident that happened to damaged the trust I have on her. Since then we’ve talked and I’ve manged to forgive her for any mistakes. However, since that unpleasant experience I became over protective of my wife and maybe I’ve tried to control too many things in our relationship. I think that made her to feel depressed about the relationship and we started having arguments more and more often. I’ve tried explaining to her that I’ve been like that only because I love her and I want to protect our relationship, but it was clearly not healthy for our relationship. Sometimes I felt that she is not able to understand how I feel. These arguments put me into an episode of depression. I felt so lost and insecure, I lost the interest in everything. Probably the worst feeling I’ve had in my life so far. I’ve then decided that I need some help to get through this. I’ve made a promise to myself, that I would get through this depression in one piece without going into medication. I owe this to myself. I am not going to be cruel to my life and destroy my life. Since then I’ve started taking a little bit of quite time for myself, I’ve started meditating. Through meditating I want to transform my mind to find true happiness. I want to be able to let go of things and not become over attached to anything or anyone. I want to be able to let go of my mental toxins, and find inner peace within me, I want to learn to love myself again and love and be kind to all living beings. Since starting to meditate, I can see a clear transformation in my life already. I think I’ve become more calm and a compassionate person. I’ve met so many wonderful people when meditating who have similar interests in achieving for themselves. I’ve learned a lesson in life – That it is very important to have a balanced life. I am still with my wife and I still love her to bits, but I don’t know where our future would take us. I hope we both will be able to live together happily. If we can’t, then I would like us to go our own ways and I want her to live a happy life.
      When I was a teen, I’ve heard about people going through depression but I never thought I would ever be one of them one day. I want to let you know that you are never alone. There are hundreds and thousands of other people that are going through some form of a depression each day – most important thing is don’t let your the mental toxins take control over your mind. Thoughts that are born within our mind – sad as well as happy ones are ephemeral. They never can last forever. Try and do something that makes you happy. Be kind and helpful to people. Don’t ever be afraid to help someone. You will feel so powerful and feel amazingly good when you know you have helped someone – trust me. I hope this message finds you well. Find your courage and determination and I know you will get through this difficult time. Good luck 🙂
      Regards,
      Indie

  126. Tim says:

    Thanks for this blog – it’s been unbelievably helpful to the extent that I have just spent the last hour reading it and the sense it has made is unbelievable. My girlfriend exhibits many, almost all of these, and I start to doubt my own sanity sometimes as the person who isn’t depressed. She’ll admit it at times, asking why she’s so sad, she’ll say depression, but beyond these moments she won’t engage in any conversation about it. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I’m a ghost in the Sixth Sense when I try and talk to her but get next to no response from her and anything I say is received blankly. Often I’m left thinking “is it me?’ and I blame myself. I miss intimacy, I miss her smiling, and the strange thing is, and I have started talk about it with some friends, is that in social situations – and this is mentioned in the post – she seems happy and normal. It’s the moment we leave that everything I do is wrong and gets criticised. It feels like I’m stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship which I should walk away from but don’t because I want this to work. This is the most helpful series of comments I have found because sometimes I doubt my own sanity. My own diagnosis would have her a depressed, bi-polar narcissist.

    • Elizabeth says:

      I suffer from depression and my ex-boyfriend did not. In a heated debate I told him I suffered from depression and he kicked me out. We got back together and ever since then we fought. I am ashamed to admit it. I understand where your girlfriend is coming from by not telling you. I would say not to give up on her if you still love her. Maybe suggesting that you both should get therapy will encourage her to get some help. Most important, get educated about the illness if you haven’t done so already. This is so vital because this way you will see which next step to take. I wish I never would have told by boyfriend of my illness. I felt guilty everyday for doing so because ever since that day it was nothing but fights and fights. Now I wonder what it would have been like if I never said anything. Get some help for yourself and encourage your partner to do as well. Good luck to you both 🙂

    • Lost says:

      Hi Tim,

      It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. I feel like I’m losing it. I met my fiance 2 years ago. Our relationship started off really well but about 3 months in we started to fight over silly little things. I didn’t think much of it.. thought maybe we just needed to work on some things. But 2 years later I’m kicking myself for not noticing what was really happening. We fight over everything. No matter how big or small we argue about EVERYTHING.. and 90% of our arguments start because of his angry attitude toward me. Back in August I caught him on craigslist looking for sex. I threatened to leave and he finally admitted he was diagnosed with depression before he met me. He said he had been in denial about it but was ready to get help to fix our relationship. Well he started to see a therapist and was prescribed Cymbalta… I feel like our relationship is now worse than it’s ever been. He’s not always taking his medicine, we’re fighting almost every other day, he always wants to know where i am, he’s constantly accusing me of not loving him and paying him enough attention, he accuses me of not being attracted to him. EVERYTHING is my fault… which makes me feel insane because I do nothing but bend over backward to make him happy. I get him little presents, I show him constant affection and attention, I make sure our sex life itns’t lacking…. BUT IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. He still says I don’t care about him or our relationship. His attitude is absolutely terrible.. he’s so incredibly mean. He’s not afraid to fight with me in the middle of the grocery store with 20 people standing there watching us. I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I don’t even want to be around him, it just feels tense and forced. I feel like I have to constantly keep up a fake smile around him to keep him happy… I tip toe around him so I don’t rock the boat. I am completely and utterly miserable. I’m normally one of the happiest people you will ever meet, but now I feel like everyday is a struggle. When is he gonna lash out next? I am honestly scared that if I leave he will kill himself. His whole life revolves around me. He says no one else cares about him, that he has nothing except me… meanwhile he NEVER talks to his friends or his family so it’s his own fault. I don’t know what to do. I do love him and care about him but I feel like NOTHING is working. I feel hopeless.

      The big kicker….. He doesn’t act this way toward anyone else…ONLY me . He can put on a fake smile and fake a good time around everyone else for the most part

  127. Heartbroken says:

    Hi, me and my girlfriend of 4 years broke up a few days ago. I have had depression for the last six months which has been affecting us both more and more as time has gone on. It’s only taking her to leave me to realise I have a serious problem and I need help – which I am getting. Almost all of the symptoms in the post have affected me and it got to the point where my girlfriend couldn’t take me being miserable any more as its making her miserable. She works hard 10-12 hours days 6 days a week lately and I haven’t been able to support her like she needs. When we split I was unable to say anything or get the words out about how I feel so I went up the following night to tell her how I really felt. She says she doesn’t see how the relationship can move forward and that I’ve hurt and embarrassed her with the way Iv’e been acting. This is due to the fact I kept going down to my dads on weekends to drink with friends or just by myself – I don’t even know why. She also said she needs time to herself to figure out what she wants so does that mean I might have a faint hope of saving my relationship. I am now on anti depressants two days after the split and determined to get better. Do I stay in regular contact (she has said I can text her) or give her the space she needs? How can I convince her that I haven’t been myself and I’ve been very sick and that I can get better? It’s breaking my heart that the one person I want to talk to about this now is the one person I can’t. Thanks.

    • been there says:

      She sounds as if she is depressed herself. It is common when one partner experiences a major depressive episode for the other too as well. She missed ur love when u were ill and it spun her into one. You know all the answers too they will help you. You know it was not a choice ur brain switches negative all the time. Its like u cant construct a future properly as if those parts are taking away and u stuck in limbo. She will be feel guilty and scared and wont be able to communicate. It isnt that she doesnt want to it is because she mentally cant. Its easier to talk to strangers than close relatives because the brains blocks them out. Its like a safety mode the brain reboots in. The episode produces sub concious thoughts that were repressed to resubmerge and be thought over it is a very very horrible experience but when u emerge u will be a stronger person of urself. It takes 18mths universally world wide for a episode to naturally cure itself. U need to be just her friend and there in the background. She will push u away and reach out to strangers to save her that is normal. Its normal to cut yourself away for 10 hrs a day. You just have to accept shes gone and wont be bk for a year shes a shell of herself abit like a coma. Those 2 hrs shes arounds just be pleasant thats all u can do. The rejection isnt about u at all it is all about her now. Read alot on depression it will help u .

  128. jimmy says:

    hi
    hope someone can guide me through as my 10yrs married life is going through turmoil. my wife is always blaming me for her sadness. i don’t know if she’s really depressed or just her nature like this. she is extremely caring person but on the flip side she is extremely possessive and jealous. i can’t even talk to my family members. whenever i talk to my family member she becomes extremely upset and violent. she blames me i like family members or friends more than her. whenever i see therapist they want to see my wife but whenever i try to persuade her to see therapist she opposes and never believes she has any problem.

    i tried to trace down the reason behind her behavior and discovered violent childhood due to fight between parents . not to be surprised her other two sisters and her parents have also exactly same problem which i am facing. i’m not sure if she’s victim of genetic issues or upbringing like this.

    i am feeling very helpless as i have no one to talk to. she keeps track of all my phone calls and stay with me all the time. i can’t leave her because i really love her and hoping one day she will recover from that. i got two beautiful daughters and i can’t even think about living without them.

    please help me i’m fully shattered.

  129. gary says:

    Reading this I see so many similarities in what I am going through. I flip out over the most mundane and stupid things. I hardly bother with my family. I shout and rant and rave at my wife. I have tried pills but they don’t work,. I have tried therapy…same result.
    I take no pleasure in life anymore. I feel disconnected from things. I don’t sleep very well. I get called lazy cause I don’t do a proper job of the housework. I read a lot cause in all honesty its an escape. Same thing with the Xbox . I have tried explaining to my wife that the depression causes anger but she’s always saying that’s not true. She also says I have anger issues and not depression. I know my own mind though. I have no reason to be angry at anyone so why am I ? That I don’t know, that’s the frustrating part for me. I have left my wife before and come back. Its always been over being accused of cheating, something I would never do. I am not perfect in any way but there are things I would never do. I love working probably to much and its not easy for me not working and being stuck in the trap of not being well enough to work but missing working. I have read through some of the things on this blog and actually felt the need to actually write some thing about how my depression is affecting me and those around me. I am messing up so many peoples lives and I can’t do anything about it. I want to but I don’t know how. I have been thinking about ending things simply because that is the “magic cure” its the easy fix. But I know its not the right thing to do. I hope one day I will have gotten through this and got back to being the person I used to be. I am sick of feeling angry so once I have posted this I am going to a mental hospital to try and get some real help. The state of the NHS in england doesn’t fill me with confidence but I have to try something because there’s nobody else to drive me along the road to recovery. I haven’t been violent towards anybody but i will admit that i looks and sounds like I could be when I am flipping out. I love my wife dearly but there’s times that I do not appear to show it. I do tell her that I love her and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. But with how i feel most of the time out must come across to her that I don’t mean it. What’s brought my depression on ? I don’t know the exact thing that’s made me feel how I do. I had a stressful job there where deaths in the family and a very insecure wife. I do know that I am losing everything and the part of me that’s being affected by my depression overrides the real me. The part of me that should be fighting back against the way I am acting is being over ridden by my depression.
    Depression is a vile and destructive illness and I have really got to the stage where I need real help. Wish me luck in beating this.

    • youcandoit says:

      I know exactly what you’re talking about. Just the thing you wish to beat it is enough for the start – I think (I’m not a professional). I’ve been through depression once and I belive I can do it again, so can you.

    • McKenzie says:

      Good luck and I’m proud you are taking the initiative to seek the help you need. You’re in my prayers.

  130. Syreeda says:

    I am so greatful for this blog. I too have a boyfriend who is suffering from depression. Im not sure if he knows the signs, but I do, being one who battled with depression years ago. I can truly say that i am no longer depressed. During those years that I struggled with depression, I was not in a relationship. So this is very hard for me. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs and he has went into a depressive episode 5 tines. The first time was 4 months. The other times, it lasted two weeks. He currently in one now and I haven’t spoken to him for over a month now. It is very painful because i truly do love him, but with depression, one can’t feel. I remember the feeling. I called depression the pit of darkness. Its very difficult to see him stuggle with what’s real and what’s made up. He is so unsure of himself. He has endured horrific events. He is always angry. He feels worthless and ashamed. He is so wrapped up in himself, that he has completely abandoned me. I got so tired of going through this that I ended the relationship. He did not respond. I than felt bad and told him I was sorry and I didn’t want to end it. Of course no response. I have cried, I have lost sleep. I find myself not wanting to be around ppl, but I make myself go. I overcame depression by doing the opposite of what it was telling me to do. I pray that he will find the courage to do the same. Im

  131. Jackie says:

    Hi

    I wondered if anyone could offer an explanation for the following or an idea of what could be happening, I’m totally confused.

    Depressed husband left 13 months ago with what was mild depression, it appears to have got much worse he now has anxiety. He has made all sorts of odd comments, the latest we discovered he is now in a relationship with another woman, this woman looks similar to myself except she is an alcoholic and regularly hospitalised for alcohol abuse, we have also discovered he is now self medicating with alcohol and added to this he has acquired 2 dogs that look like our family dogs? Although he is saying he’s moved on in his head it would appear he is trying to recreate the past?

    Does anyone have any idea on this?

    Thanks

    • Indie says:

      Dear Jakie,

      There has to be complicated past for his behaviour. Sometimes, depression is not a sign of a weak person, but it’s sign of someone trying to be strong for too long and then breaking apart.

      I am not a professional to give you a professional advise but I couldn’t stop myself from writing you a comment. I came to this website to seek to advise and comfort for some of my problems, but I found so much willingness to help others and it made me so happy. When our mind is weak and lost, we can fail to see the consequences of our actions and sometimes we can find a comfort in the most strangest places. It is possible that your husband finds a comfort around this other woman living the life he lives. I am sorry to hear what happened to you both. I sincerely hope you what ever the lives you both choose to live, that both of you will live a happy life. because ultimately, that’s what matters the most.

  132. Ronnie says:

    I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 years when the relationship first started he never available always busy we never really meet up until he was available and that lead to sex. I have suggested many times that we need to go out do different things together before we separated to oyr respect places of living keep in mind we live in different countries. My bf would travel at my expense I would take care of food gas etc and I was sympathetic towards his situation of having money troubles at the time. Our conversation was not the best I would reach out to.him he would take days to call me back ir even answer the text. Now that we are a bit closer as in we beleive we love each other.I have been there through thick and thin and I never asked for a penny of the money spent on him or given to him back.I personally dont have anything that he has bought fir me or given me.I feel broken alone used not important unappreciated I am always the last to know what is going on his life. He forgets my birthday ans sees nothing wrong with that he has trouble with dates is his excuse. In his world it is aways my fault I am not supportive I.should have reminded him I should learn to accept it after all these years. My heart wants to be free I dont have the strength to release me self I feel depressed so often about what is going is there someone else why cant I recieve the love I expell why do I have to beg love or the actions there of he is never there when I need him I cry just about every I do not share with friends or family that I am in a relationship due to feelings of shame.he often.says due to financial issues he cant travel any at all but he finds money do what he wants to do. There has to be a solution to yhe problem I.have shared with him my feelings bu.t it all boils down to me it is at the end of the day my fault. Can someone let me know what to do or say.

    • R says:

      Dear Ronnie,I feel your desperation and was compelled to respond.It sounds as though you have given far more in this relationship than you have received in return.You deserve to be loved and appreciated and you are allowing this person to undermine your self-respect.You ask for the solution to the problem and i would advise you to end the relationship for your own sake.It is possible he will feel remorseful and mend his ways but if not at least you will be giving yourself the chance to find someone who will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve and surely you could not be more unhappy without him than you sound right now.I wish you all the best in your life and hope that you find the love that you long for.

  133. anon says:

    my boyfriend has had depression for months now and he has the same things going through his head and I love him and I care so much about him but its tearing me and mom apart but I’ve never and never will be the type of person to leave someone when they need it most. I know I can be his friend but I care and love him too much to break up with him or leave him. I want him to get professional help but he wouldnt listen even if I tried. any advice?

  134. luke says:

    life has been hard every day of my life. i have no friends, not anyone. ive been in deep thought about ending my life- suicide because my life is so bad. 🙁 should i end it? is there a better hope for me? what should i do in this painstaking life?

    • paul kwilos says:

      are you ok..i just stumbled on this?

    • Cris says:

      Luke, how are you doing? Please take one day at a time. One hour, one moment at a time. We all are valuable human beings a d i am sure with the right professional support you will find a way and will feel better.

    • Indie says:

      Luke, I saw you post and had to stop to write this message. My friend, I came on to this site for the same reasons as most of others did – that’s to find some comfort because right now I am in a very low place in my life. I do not have to answers for all the problems I have in my life. However, when reading what the other people had written on this site, it makes me realise one important thing – that we are all human and how delicate our lives can be. I was born in one county and now living in another country. I don’t have friend or family close to me. For the past decade I’ve been running behind trying build a carrier to survive in this busy world. More and more I’ve realised how materialistic our lives are and how people reply on the materialistic stuff to be happy and when one of the materials are lost, how unhappy we become. My friend – do not be sad because you don’t have friends. You do not have to end your life to release you from pain. Human life is the most precious thing in the world. We all can find true everlasting inner happiness if we can detach our lives from attachments. Be kind and helpful for all other living things and don’t expect any good or bad in return. Try and find time and learn to meditate. I know so many people who had build a wonderful state of mind by doing meditation. I’ve never meditated before but I am seriously considering to start learning it. My friend – I hope this message finds you well and you will be safe. I hope and I like to know I’ve helped someone today. I want you to live a long life and perhaps one day help others who need your help.

  135. Khloe says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for the past year, he has been amazing to me, he treats me right, does everything he can to make me happy but there is one problem, before me and him got together he got another girl pregnent on a one night stand, the girl has had the baby and is the only problem with our relationship, i do not know how to deal with hin having a child with someone else and the constant thought of being replaced or rejected has made me depressed, im always angry with him even though he does everything he can to make me happy, this situation is the biggest burdin on our relationship, we dont argue about anything else but it is the only thing that i can think about and it consumes our relationship, i dont know weather the relationship is now worth being in but i dont want to give it up just because of a mistake he made before he met me, there is grate potential with our relationship but the depression has consumed all aspects of my life, all my thought prosess revolves around this, is there any advice you can give?

  136. Cray says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. He knows I have mdd and anxiety. I was hospitalized a couple months ago due to serious and personal problems and am getting better. I took the summer to just relax and recoup and get ready for the next school semester because I haven’t done well in the past due to lack of desire to due anything with thoughts of unavoidable failure. The school semester has started and he has helped me to buckle down and study though I get annoyed easily when wrong and irritable. When I get stressed I like to go to thrift stores and such and buy things (mind you its like goodwill stuff so i’m not going into way bad debt). I get lost in activities such as shopping and instead of sticking to a 15 minute Smiths visit I end up taking hours. It stresses my boyfriend out a lot, he and I both worry about our relationship but we always narrow it down to if we still love each other. Which we do. I worry about things a lot. Like I literally can’t stop thinking about maybe 3 or 4 things at once. Now to my main concern, I’ve recently begun thinking about and talking with an ex. Nothing flirtatious, he’s a good friend and we didn’t work out because I don’t see a future with him, but I still am like physically attracted to him and it really bothers me. That worry then expands and I think of more attractive male friends that I know and then I worry about the people around me and what they’re thinking and if they are experiencing the same stress, and then I think of what the people around me might be going through. My main concern is I love my boyfriend and get scared of my constant thoughts of my exes, because of the temporary curiosity thats there. I’ve considered asking my bf if he would like to take a legitimate break. Not because I don’t love hime, but just to try organize my stresses and calm down. Because our relationship is usually the base of my worries.

    • been there says:

      This is normal in depression. Your feelings are raw and you are experiencing fight or flight. The brain in a depression is actually preparing a fightinga struggle far more than people realise and it is very complicated. Your sleep, cognitive responses are in meltdown and of course your emotional feelings are completely numb. It is a bit like being drunk ur not ur ususal self as u view life very very differnety and your perception is out usually gray. You remember by memories of previous but the brain cannot in this state work through present feelings. As terrible as it sounds that u are stripped emotionally down so you do feel that u could love another person it is basic human nature. Love is want keeps people faithful but when love is taken away by the brain u will question this. The brain naturally always comes out eventunally average 18mths. Dont make any big life decisions and wait it out. When u are out of it all your feelings will turb back on ten fold and u will feel a deep love for your boyfriend now. The best advise i can give is that u wouldnt break up with ur boyfriend when ur drunk so dont do it when ur depressed. Wait it out u have no choice. When a depression kicks it robs a person of months lives in distorted views. Understand depression and get therapy and treatment for it the stronger u are the less powerful depression is. It will fade .

      • ken says:

        Been there: Hopefully it does go and my girlfriend comes back to me its been 12 months now although i have seen her three times since then, the last contact was an email 5 weeks ago which i ignored as she was pushing me away again, how do you know it takes 18 months for the brain to recover?.

        • Goat says:

          Ken, I’m going through a simoluar stiuatio.. except we are both in the grips of depression. my girl has been gone over a year but we had weekend contact up till about five months ago. i drove myself into a deeper depression trying to numb the pain. drug and alcohol use has increased to the point to I’ve wantrd to die. didn’t help yhe fact that i was hurt on the jo. and can lay arund shig faced with no consequenc, except , tempory relief, fof a problem that is still ghere. i resently started part time work, and just getting out so much of my self worth has returned.
          I don’t agree with tbis 18 month ordeal! Sorry to whoever wrote it. Only because i made one of the biggest drcisions I’ve ever made, and didn’t have 18 months to do it. i gave my life go God. Now that’s bi not sure its works like this for everyone but for me it has done wonders. my advice is get yourself a web page , u tube, google + aad start a descussion group page similuar to this and find your ex online and let her see your changes. pray as mjch as possible, write down all your defects and ask family to add more. sometimes we can’t see what’s broke. send her emails and tell her how much she means and keep yourself busy. this has and is working wonders for me and I’m fully confident we will RESTORE our relationship. def. RESTORE- To make better than! To fix back to original state.

  137. Jackie says:

    Despite my husband being bullied at work and telling me it is nothing I have done he has recently attempted to Divorce me in a state of clinical depression and anxiety. Luckily I am tough as a result of going through my own MH issues anxiety and agoraphobia.

    He has developed a lot of control issues and with trying to Divorce me I feel I am now the target yet I have done nothing wrong, we had been together 34years and he seemed to change over almost overnight from kind, caring and laid back to now showing no emotion at all. Some people have said none contact is a cop out and he just doesn’t want me until I tell them that he hasn’t contacted our kids in 9 months they quickly say ooh he must be in a very bad way! Yes he is and he’s not admitting he has issues or getting help, all offers of help have been refused even the help of medical professionals!

    As sad as it is I have to look after myself and our kids and move elsewhere, my Mum thinks he will panic when he realises we have left the family home and his sister has said if he really wanted a Divorce he would have pushed ahead with it. Fortunately I have proved to both the husband and his solicitor I am no pushover and he has dropped the Divorce after my suggestion we challenge his Mental Capacity!

  138. Jim says:

    “Depression is kind of like a jealous lover, trying to isolate you from anyone who might drag you out of it or show you anything better. Depression wants all of you.”

  139. Agnetha says:

    My fiance and I have been together for over 10 years. He has suppressed a lot of pain from his childhood of physical and mental abuse , his divorce, having his ex take his kids away to another state and having a relationship with an unstable woman and getting her pregnant. Through the ten years I have encouraged him to communicate better and not suppress what he was feeling. I could sense that one day things would come to a head. Well, I was sadly right. He became very paranoid and one day blew up on me that I was cheating on him. I have never cheated on him. He in fact cheated on me and I forgave him and took him back. Throughout our relationship he would have sudden moments of rage. We separated as he was angry about my so-called cheating. No matter what I said, I couldn’t convince him that he had created these stories in his head and that I had not cheated. He was angry for a long time and I didn’t hear from him or see him for a very long time. We worked our way back to one another and he said how happy he was to be back with me and he never wanted to be apart again. Days later he fell apart and cried and cried and told me how broken he was and how can I love him. He left once again and I didn’t see him or hear from him. A month later he sent a text to me telling me he is sorry, he wanted to make things right with me and how he can’t live without me. We got back together and we talked about communicating better and wanting a better relationship. I told him that I am always open to communicating and he admitted that he wasn’t. The third weekend he was distant and no matter what I did I got no response. He left that night and I didn’t hear from him. Four days later he sent a text saying he was testing me and apparently I failed. He said I must not care about him and that I must be up to something because I never tried to contact him. I just thought he was going through what he had in the past and wanted to be alone and he would contact me when he was ready. He told me that since I didn’t contact him that he would arrange to come and get his stuff and that he would miss me forever. And then he said, goodbye. I sent a text back obviously upset and felt blindsided. I had always been there for him, constantly reaching out to him and letting him know that I loved him and I would never abandon him. He then started in on me again that I was not honest with him and that I was up to something, cheating again. Is this the normal behavior of depression? Or some other mental illness. He has isolated himself at times, but can still go to work and do his job. But these accusations and paranoia are they part of depression? I feel like I am the one going insane as I have been nothing but loving, supportive and patient with him. I’ve never turned my back on him. I’ve asked him if he needs to seek professional help and he told me, “no, they can’t help me.” It is like it is a weakness to seek help. I am completely heartbroken. He hasn’t come to get his things yet as he is out of town. I feel like I am falling apart and don’t know what to do.

    • Peter says:

      Hey, Agnetha, it’s really sad and touching what you’ve wrote. I have been in relationships affected by depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but then later on, I found partners who suffered from depression). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, but I’m not even sure you read this forum any more. You can write to my email address: albert.peeter@gmail.com , hope you’re holding up!

      Peter

  140. LAguy says:

    my fiancee is moving out right now due to my depression…

  141. Richard says:

    I was diagnosed with clinical depression 3 years ago, over that time I have been on and off of pills and as you all know the depression ebbs and flows without warning, but over the last 6 months I can feel my relationship with my wife slipping away, I am now starting to feel that she would be better off without me, she has been wonderful and supportive all the way through this but I can feel here patients wearing down slowly but surely, I don’t our love for each other is in question here but my self esteem seems to be hitting an all time low

    • Indie says:

      Richard – How are you doing? I am new to this forum and seen your post. Are things going in a good direction for you?

  142. Stephanie says:

    Hi. I’m 25 years old and I’m now in my second long-term relationship. I’m pretty sure I threw my last one away because of depression. We fought all the time and I feel like it was me being selfish constant that finally did us in. He would work long hours to keep away from me and I finally left him for someone else. Someone who felt like I was being used and manipulated, while I do feel like I was being financially used I also feel like things between us were often my fault . I was just simply too sensitive.

    With this second relationship it started out amazing I was having the time of my life. He walked in and made me feel like I was floating in the stars. We started dating about 1 year ago and for the last 2 months I’ve been apparently a real nightmare. He often says I’m cold, distant, and that I start arguments on purpose and when they are “resolved’ that I refuse to apologize until the next day. What’s really puzzling is I’ve read this and I feel like it fits me and at times I feel like a victim as well. I’ve thought about getting help but I wonder if I’m Bi-Polar and I wonder if I’ll ever get better. I’ve tried to make him leave several times but he always refuses and I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with him and if he will ever let me go.

  143. Jake says:

    I feel like I want to constantly run from my relationship and kids.. This has come from nowhere, I have no feelings for nothing which is worrying. I question love, what is love, am I in love etc..
    Does this ever go or is my relationship over

    • Tom B says:

      I’ve had this feeling before in relationships. Suddenly I’ll be looking at her and then I think “shit, i don’t love her”. Then I wonder what is love, and why am I in this? Do I feel the same depth of emotion to her as she does to me? Am I lying to her?

      Over-thinking is the bane of love. I don’t even know why it happens. Spontaneously I can go from some chilled out guy who has a sexy girlfriend… so somebody who is shitting himself over what he’s doing.

      You’re single-handedly entering this woman’s heart, and you are there now, she loves you. But you aren’t sure you feel the same way. You are an essential part of her life, and without you, it would supposedly crumble. You’d feel guilty, ashamed, depressed etc at these thoughts and then you need to run away. To delete it from your life….

      Personally I am still unsure what this all means. It either means one of three things in my opinion. Either you have fallen out of love or you were never in love and managed to fool yourself long enough. Or you have just got a mental illness which causes this to happen i.e you have an incorrect attitude to what love is. I personally think it’s number 3. Get help. Because the moment you lose your wife, your relationship and the connection you have to your kids… you’ll realise what you’ve lost. And you’ll remember that you didn’t want that back then, but you’ll want it now.

      Your brain is […] trying to hurt your life, and it will hurt you when you’ve left the relationship, it will tell you that you’re stupid for letting it go even though it told you to let you go. It will just tell you you’re stupid anyway, heck you might not love her (i didnt sadly) but you’ll […] destroy yourself over it anyway.

      So yea, get help mate. I am getting help nowadays, been to a few sessions, and it helps. I lost my relationship, but looking back I think that maybe that was a good idea. Because I need to love myself first, and make sure I don’t repeatedly stab myself in the back, before I can even begin to love somebody else. Sounds like you don’t need to lose yours, so get help AND keep your relationship going. It’s ok to get help mate. You’re not a loser, or a stupid […] up heartbreaker, or whatever […] your brain tells you. You’re just in need of mental help. 🙂 Go go go. I did it and I’m much happier.

      • Tom B says:

        I’ve done this in two relationships actually. In the second relationship I did love them, but I still completely ruined the relationship through my mental illness / depression. That’s when I knew I needed help. Definitely made me realise how much I needed to get myself sorted. I think it’s probably your upbringing. I don’t know what yours was like, but parts of my childhood were living hell, absolute utter living hell.

        • Jake says:

          My childhood was rough with parents breaking up due to my father been a drunk.
          I am terrified of relationship but I think I need to get my relationship sorted with myself to help me out.
          I know I’m ruining a good thing but I’m stuck in a mind state as I “don’t care” but I will when it is all gone

      • Jake says:

        I’ve actually started to see someone been to 5 sessions. I think I have depression and I’m constantly riddled with negative crap. Need to turn this around sharpish as you are right I will regret it.

  144. jim says:

    my situation started back when my wife became pregnant at age 39 with our third child. she was unplanned and although all women change along with the hormones during pregnancy this last one really sent my wife off the deep end. she so much as acknowledged and apologized in cards for it. after the baby was born my wife started to slowly change. started lashing out at me. overreacting to things. then last fall she went off the tracks. deep depression and anxiety. couldn’t sleep, acne, facial hair growth, forgetfulness and menstrual cycle all over the place. I tried to get her to seek an endocrinologist or obgyn thinking it was a hormonal issue but she refuses. blames her depression on the marriage itself now. ignores our three children to the point that they have gone to her and asked her to leave our home. to move out. she says off the wall things and drags up every mistake ive made in our 16 yrs of marriage , down to the color f paint I picked out 10 yrs ago. claims she wasn’t cut out to be a mother and that she wishes her mother would have told her that she didn’t have to get married and have kids to be happy. a complete personality change has occurred. ive tried to stay strong for her to the point that ive had many people say just kick her out. when im at work she just sits in a recliner and reads. doesn’t interact with our kids and doesn’t clean up after them. I took her to see a psychologist about four mths ago and at the end of the session and after she stormed out he simply looked and me and said, “pray”. im both crushed and furious at her for refusing to seek help. maybe I shouldn’t be since I know the hold depression can hold on someone but she knows she’s messed up. she admits it at times. i’m lost on what to do. keeps saying that she wants a divorce but when I tell her to go for it she never does. idk what the hell to do.

  145. Confused says:

    It’s so F’d up. It’s ruining my hope in a relationship of any kind because all I get is anxiety and feel depressed. Funny thing is, this only started a few days ago I don’t know why or how it happened. I get anxiety whenever my girlfriend calls me/texts me and I feel little to no connection towards her. I question the relationship all the time and can’t stop my intrusive thoughts from disparaging her or insulting her in my head. But I know if I lose her I’ll be crushed. Everytime I get to THAT thought, my confused thoughts are in agreement, but it’s like somebody else just walked into my head, sat down, and unloaded a full tirade assault on my senses. If I could, I’d do anything/everything to get rid of it. I hate it!

    • Go away says:

      Yeah I love my girlfriend but feel nothing, people are telling me to leave and sort it out and I keep thinking should I? But I know it’s depression and anxiety and not true because we have good times… I adore her just so scared about this never going away. I almost killed myself the other day because of how I feel about her.. But I will keep trying because I know what I want… I have been this way for 6/7 months.. It just keeps getting worse and I’m worried maybe I don’t want or love her :/

    • Jake says:

      How do you get rid of this awful feeling?

  146. Marisol says:

    I cried while reading this. It all describes me & what I am going through right now with my boyfriend.
    He denies the fact that I’m depressed and doesn’t understand it, though I’ve tried to explain. I hope one day I can get better.

    • Cal says:

      Me too… omg… I thought its like as if I am the one who wrote this. All 11 of them were so spot on that I am convinced I am depressed. I use to think depression is nonsense

  147. granny says:

    I sometimes feel sad for no reason n loose intrest

  148. OneOfTwo says:

    John, your post is both heartbreaking and enlightening. Since both my and I have depression of different types, I guess I am the depressed and apparently the “…depressed one imposing pain on your partner.” I guess the difference for me is that I have and will continue to use whatever resources I have to minimize my refractory depression while my husband continues to deny, not take his med (and lie about it) and self-medicate. When he’s not self-medicated, he goes from becoming cranky to toxic. He believes his life [expletive] and there’s nothing he or anyone can do about it. It seems we are poison to each other. And while I’m trying, yet another new treatment (and yes, this is definitely exhausting for him), he continues to blame the world. I’ve tried to get him back to therapy. I’ve tried to find a DBT group (at least we could have a common language because it really did help me). I realize I cannot lead him to water as he won’t drink it. I’m currently unemployed for the first time since I was 17 years old and that has darkened my days. When he comes home from work (which to his credit he continues to to do) he becomes passive-aggressive (sighing, body language). When I ask him how his day was (how dare I!!!), he always has a negative answer. We’ve been together for 25 years and I don’t want to give up on him. We still love the same movies, shows, share the same sense of humor (when it’s there). I just don’t know how to save myself other than leave him.

  149. britt says:

    Thank you, this is a very helpful article. 2 weeks ago I was blindsided when my husband came to me and said that he had been encouraging the affections of another woman because he felt so worthless that feeling of being wanted was a brief escape. We have since learned that the birth of our son (now 5 months, my delivery was quite traumatic) started him on this depressive spiral in which he believed he would let us both down and we would be better off without him. He was so low that when a female coworker started telling him how much she wanted him he grabbed onto that feeling (I’ve met her many times and she knew we just had a baby so I really hope karma catches up to her). their conversations were incredibly inappropriate, all through text, after a week of this my husband says that he realized he had a problem and then felt even worse because not only did he feel worthless but now he had ruined his marriage as well. So he confessed and is now getting help through medication and counseling. But now I’m left devastated that I had no idea this was happening behind my back and I feel like I don’t even know my own husband. We have been together for 8 years and the fact that he could throw our marriage away so easily breaks my heart but I am trying to remember that he wasn’t thinking rationally. So posts like this help, but every day is a struggle right now. He is getting better because he has help now, but now I am left with all this hurt and anger. I feel like I was robbed of what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, having a baby with my husband.

    • julie says:

      great response….it really resonated with me. I am in a very similar situation as you. Would love to connect as we could help support each other through this. Let me know.

      • Britt says:

        Hi Julie,
        I think it would be great to connect and support each other. It would be nice to talk to someone going through something similar.

        • julie says:

          awesome! I left an email on their website to requesting to help connect us privately as I don’t want to put my phone number or email for everyone to see. Any other ideas? let me know.

      • ken says:

        i too am going through this julie would love to connect.

    • Mel says:

      As I was reading this my eyes started watering. I can’t figure out if it is me, my fiancé or both. All I know is the amount of emotional turmoil that I am experiencing is unbearable. Are there any women who would be interested in talking about this? I don’t know what to do anymore.

  150. ss says:

    This is an exact inventory of the last 9 months of my life. After years of the swinging single life, my own insecurities came to light when I started dating again, and another person was around me long enough to make me see my own self-abuse. I didn’t like what I saw, and then had someone to take everything out on, to drive away, which only made the depression worse. I’ve known that something was wrong with me, as my new relationship began as a number of other stressors were mounting in my life. I was new at navigating depression and having a relationship, and both quickly spiraled out of control. I can only hope I can regain some lost time and learn to share myself, open up and be able to give and accept love. Your posts are a great help in all of those goals.

  151. Eliza says:

    Wow just reading this made me cry as you are describing what’s happened to my partner and our relationship over the last couple of years. There has been no doubt in my mind that he is suffering from depression but he has been to the doctor and they have a set of questions they ask which mainly relate to the emotional side and he exhibits more of the aggressive behaviours you describe. So he and the doctor believes he is not suffering from depression. He says counselling is a waste of time so I’m well and truly in a trap. It’s like waiting for him to snap but it’s been like that for at least 2 years. My only other option is to leave but I would hate to leave someone who is actually ill, even if he doesn’t know it himself.

    • Francis says:

      I’m in a tricky, heart wrenching, confusing situation with my partner. We have been together for 11 years, he has been suffering with depression for 8 years now, on and off. We have two children aged 7 & 9.
      He’s seen many doctors, psychiatrists, councillors over the years, he’s had a short stay in a mental health hospital, but this just isn’t going away!

      I love him completely, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep riding these waves! Then if I think of leaving, I know he would hit an all time low & commit suicide. I just know he would. I’m trapped. He can’t be happy with me or without me, but at least if I stick around I can look after him. This is destroying me. I worry that if I go, I’ll regret ever leaving as I do love him, but I’m not happy. My children are living with this too, but surely it’s better that they have a dad that is alive, sometimes he is fine, rather than a dad who committed suicide.

      What do I do? He is very arrogant and doesn’t listen to advice readily, he’s always quitting his jobs, he never socialises with me, he doesn’t get on with my family etc etc.

      I just don’t know the answer to this problem 🙁

  152. Maria says:

    Thank you.

  153. WomanAtWitsEnd says:

    Thank you for writing this, and thank you to those who have commented and shared their experiences. It is very helpful to see that there are others dealing with this or who have dealt with this, because as a partner of a depressed person, you can really start to feel alone. This is somewhat new to me and it’s overwhelming. My partner exhibits some of these behaviors, including withdrawal and isolation, and it’s really difficult to deal with. I feel mixed emotions of rejection, frustration and sadness for his well being. Anyway, thanks again for sharing.

  154. A says:

    Thank you for writing this. I feel a lot less alone after reading it.

  155. Worried guy says:

    I have been going steady with my girl for the last 10 years. Last year we got engaged and things were really looking bright. She was happy, I was happy, both our families were happy. We had a little argument like the many arguments we have had before but then one day she texted me that she does not want to get married to me. I thought she was just angry at me, I apologized and everything but it seemed the more I tried, the more she started to hate me. She started blaming me for everything, when her parents tried talking to her, she blamed that on me, everybody that tried helping her she would blame me. She told me that I took her for granted and that I could never do the little things for her and that I will never keep her happy eventhough she means the whole world to me. We have always had a distance relationship and I thought that once we get married and when I am physically there by her side, she will see how much I care for her. She said there is someone else but I dont believe her. She says she wants to marry to marry someone who will do anything for her and stand by her no matter what. I promised her to give me a chance so I can prove myself that I will do anything for her happiness. She means everything to me and a few months ago I meant the whole world to her. I want to let go, let her be but I can’t imagine life without her and I know that I am the only person in the world that will keep her happy because I have known her for the last 10 years. A few months ago she said she could’nt wait to get married and now she hates my guts for no apparent reason. She is exhibiting many of the symptoms stated in this article and I want to share this article with her as a last chance that maybe she will realize she need professional help. I am so confused I dont know what to do. Everybody told me to just let her go, that I will find someone better but I cannot imagine life with any other woman at this point and I know she wont be happy with any other person. How can anybody love her as much as I do? I am totally devastated and running out of ideas.

    • Hello :) says:

      Wow! This has opened my eyes! I’m exactly like your fiancée and you sound exactly like my boyfriend. I really don’t have much advice for you but don’t believe her when she says there is someone else, I know I say things like that to my bf to get him to leave me because I feel worthless and I can’t see myself ever making him happy. I would definitely get her to read this website it might make her angry at first but she’ll then understand she’s not the only one feeling how she does and it’s fixable and make sure she knows you’ll never leave her.

      • William says:

        My God! I am going through the exact same thing, Worried Guy. I live in Toronto, my girlfriend (or ex, at this point) lives in Manhattan. We met in Amsterdam, and fell head over heels in love with each other. She had just rented out her apartment, and was about to move to Toronto to be with me when things started to go wrong. I was so worried that she had harmed herself, I called the police after not being able to reach her for a couple of days. She has now moved to Connecticut with a friend, because her apartment is now rented out. She claims she is in a relationship with this friend, which I don’t know if I believe. I too cannot imagine life with anyone else, and know I am best for her. I love her more than life itself. We are still communicating, and I am trying to regain her trust, because she is afraid to trust me after calling the police. I have nothing but the best intentions, and am still convinced that this can work, if we both want it to. I know I do, and there was a time she wanted to as well. Only time will tell. I’m not giving up!

  156. joanne wilson says:

    Hi we have been happily married or so i thought for 24 years nearly. Things changed 5 years ago when my daughter fell pregnant to a abuser boyfriend. I won’t go into all the details but for the last 5 years our life has been utter hell. We ended up getting a special guardianship for my granddaughter. Over the last year my daughter left him and returned home to help with the up bringing of her daughter but unfortunately has been hiding the fact that she returned to this monster. I forgot he is not allowed any access to my granddaughter and that was a law given through the courts.
    Well back to the devastating news. My husband has gone and left me with our granddaughter and said he loves me but doesn’t have the feeling of been in love with me anymore. We have been like best friends he is my soul mate and my husband. He said he want’s to be a lone and get on with his life and try and be happy. He has turned nasty towards me and blames me for the last 5 years of grief and i must admit i have consumed myself in my daughters behaviour but always loved my husband. I do blame myself for a lot of it and i think i did take my husband for granted.
    I know 100% there is no other woman. My husband is acting so out of character but i have chased him the last 2 weeks and made a fool of myself.
    He is coming over for lunch tomorrow and i have decided that i have to accept the fact that at this moment he doesn’t want me but he is also showing not a lot of interest in anything it’s not just me.
    I personally think he is badly depressed and has been for some time but i have been that wrapped up with the trouble with my daughter i haven’t noticed.
    He said he may come back and live at home till after xmas for the sake of our granddaughter and until i get my head round things. I have lost my husband,Daughter and have a 3 year old to bring up by myself and finding it so hard.
    he said he doesn’t want help but knows there could be something wrong and just keeps saying he wants no help 🙁 i love him so much i don’t know what to do. Everyone i have told is shocked to the core they all said it’s just not like him and it’s always been you two together.
    Would someone give me advice of course i have listened to family and friends but would like to talk to someone who has been through a similar thing.

    • Susan says:

      Well I can only imagine adding a three year old and the stress of this situation would put strain on your marriage. If he is depressed too then you have a whammy. I don’t have advice other than to give him some space and occasionally let him know you are still “there”. I feel for your load and admire your character.

      Perhaps this too shall pass. Be consistent and focus on you and that sweet innocent baby for now. He has to come back on his own will and time. Leave the door open but don’t chase him around the neighborhood to beckon him in.

  157. jiji says:

    My depression has not failed to disrupt all my relationships and bring them to a screeching halt within a year. These symptons can remain doormat for months at a time and don’t occur in order. Depression is unpredictable. In my experience with blame and paranoia, it’s only a few seconds before an episode that I tell myself “Shut up unless you want to lose this person.” Every time I attempt to listen to that voice, I get lightheaded from all the negatives thoughts swimming in my head. Its the absolute worst feeling ever, when you suddenly think you’ve misplaced all your priorities. I get antsy, impatient, low, angry, and finally indifferent. That is a huge improvement because I consider those traits a happy medium for depressed individuals. Which all in all, is the most I can hope for. These are the steps that I take before taking a jab at a loved one. Calm yourself down by breathing to slow your heart rate (with practice you can), drown out paranoid thoughts, re cap on what triggered your pain, identify what you want to say to trigger your partner (bc that’s what we do when we get hurt, hurt back), and my favorite part- DON’T SAY IT. It takes 5 minutes of agony but then you realize you didn’t lose any control, thus taking a bad situation and making it a good one. When you feel normal again re-assess what triggered your pain and 9 x out of 10 you will see it from a different perspective completely, so what? You remained calm, got through the storm and gain confidence in regulating your emotions. I’ve learned how to be happy. Every time I am successful, the depression is less depressing. Its real work everyday to remain balanced and peaceful. Just like any other job, it only gives back what you put into it. If you have depression, you are most likely to give up on yourself. You cannot give up on yourself. Corner your depression and it won’t consume you. Educate yourself and practice everyday.

  158. Jorge says:

    I’ve been feeling restless and stressed out a few months after I started dating my bf. He is a sweet guy, but sometimes does stuff that drives me crazy. I’ve talked to him about it a few times, but he said he can’t change. For example, he likes to get drunk with his friends or by himself, up to the point that he gets so wasted that he doesn’t remember what he said or did the other night. He’s got a medical condition and needs pain killers every day, you add that to his drinking habits (maybe once a week) and he’s totally drunk and passed out. He’s also very careless with his pets and doesn’t clean after them, or just waits until the stench in the apartment is so strong, that’s when he decides to clean. He’s asked me a few times to move in with him, but I didn’t want to: I’m on the other extreme: I don’t drink too much, and I’m a big fan of cleaning my place almost twice or once a week. When he pets his animals and then starts touching me, I always ask him to stop and wash his hands before. He refuses and keeps touching me, then calls me “Mr. OCD.” It used to be fun being around him but now I just try to avoid him, I cannot even sleep next to him anymore. The sex is great but I don’t think it’s all about a relationship. I want to break up and trying to get the guts to do it. Any feedback is welcome!

  159. Sarah says:

    It is extremely hard to comprehend how it feels when ur depressed when u havent expeienced it urself. A black hole? losing all emotions and not liking anyone is impossible to imagine! The best way of describing how it feels is like this… Imagine a time in ur life where u dreaded doing something. Maybe it was a a child goin to school, to a trip or seeing family or having exams or facing someone after an arguement. Now remember that feeling of utter dread waking up in the morning knowing u HAVE to deal with this thing u can’t bear and ur sick to the stomach, family friends can’t make u feel better offering a cup of tea cause its sooooo bad how u feel, life stops and passes and all u think of is that dread. A normal person feels like that and after an hour in bed gets up dwels a bit better and triea to deal with it and then does the thing and feels so much better and relief afterwards. Now imagine feeling like that not for an hour in the morning but CONSTANT all day non stop. Over and over that dread, fear being unable and too weak to face something out of your control. Having shower u still feel the strong dread eating dinner, nothing changes it. U dont realise u have lost u feelings for anything else ur just fighting this dread. Then slowly oer months untreated the dread gets slightly smaller u learn to handle that dread until a year later the dread is still there but very small, but it will always scare u to a certain degree. I know it is very hard for partners but they need to research depression and understand the illness and how terrible it makes their partner feel. The partners fighting the worse battle for life not love. Partners experience a lose of love which is bad bad heartbreaking but the battle to fight for life is much harder. Please stay strong and read as much books to learn how to support and understand the illness. Knowledge will make u stronger.

  160. Worried1 says:

    Ive been dating a man that I suspect is bipolar. Everything was perfect in the beginning and then stressors in his life started to take over and things got worse. He has told me in the past that he is depressed and i can tell he has amxiety because I suffer from that as well.

    We had a little argument and he stopped talking to me for two weeks. I finally got him to respond and he told me he needed time. That with everything in his life, me, his ex, his daughters, his father being ill, and issues at work that he felt like he was in a pressure cooker. So, I backed off. He has not tried to contact me. I’m the one doing all the contacting. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells whenever I do contact him. His responses are so cold and he is not the loving man I fell in live with.

    I’m wondering if I should discuss this article with him? He exhibits many of the “relationship trapd”. I don’t believe he is under any care and is struggling. Ive told him I am there for him, I give him encouragement, I try not to smother him, I’ve told him I’d wait for him but I don’t get anything back. I’m scared I am going to lose him and I want so much to support him. Am I wasting my time with him and could possibly cause him to be depressed even further or could this be helpful?

  161. Amanda says:

    I really need help from anyone who can give it to me. I am at my wits end,and I am tired of crying all the time,and feeling completely,and utterly…helpless.
    My boyfriend is 32 years old. After the divorce from his ex wife,losing work….having his truck taken from the divorce, not being able to see his son because said truck was taken,and without a job…then having his license taken away because of child support,on top of health issues…he has fallen into such a deep depression. It’s been two years now..a little over two years actually…and yesterday was the first day that he didn’t even say a word to me about our one two year anniversary.
    He has changed so much since I first met him. He was bubbly,cheerful,positive,talkative….very loving..everything I wanted in a guy. And it’s killing me inside…has been for over a year now. I know I love him… but as far as being in love with him, I don’t know right now. I am so confused. He won’t talk to me about his problems. Most days..he seems very withdrawn…quiet….he has no energy or the will to want to try to make himself better. And I am honestly at my wits end with this. I don’t know how much more I can handle..and I feel so bad for feeling this way. I really need someone else to talk to. Someone who is going through this… I need help…desperately.

    At one point, I could see myself with this man…getting married,having children. I just feel like everything is falling apart right in front of me,and there isn’t a thing I can do about it…..

    • Anthony says:

      Hey Amanda, sorry to hear about your problem, i am here now because i have a similar problem…however, the depression hasn’t been going on that long and i am the one who is depressed.
      A big change is happening in my life now also. Although not as significant as your partners on paper, the anxious feelings of helplessness are still there. All of the points listed above, i can say i am guilty of and it is affecting our relationship of 9 years.
      The reason why none of it is going away is because of the lack of understanding from my partner, the lack of compassion, the constant looking down on me and the bickering (even when it is denied doesn’t mean it aint there). Although someone with depression can be a mess, they shouldn’t be made under no circumstances to be a burden and that is how i am made to feel every time i try to open up to my partner. She chooses not identify what i am going through but instead she constantly fights fire with fire, repeating negative things i have said about myself whilst opening up. This lack of genuine support is really making things worse for me. So if i had to advise you at all, or in an attempt to be helpful, i would suggest to try to feel what he feels, put yourself in his shoes more, show him you feel what he feels but also at the same time try and be pleasant, don’t show any resentment towards him or make him feel like you are trying too hard either (out of desperation as this can just make him feel worse). Meet his mood at his energy level and ride the tide with him Hopefully he will see that he is not alone in this rut and in order to pick you up he will have to pick himself up. If you feel that you are only making him feel worse then stop! Basically show this man that you can and will love him through thick and thin.

      Sorry if this sounds like dribble, it is very hard to break it down into words and i aint feeling to great right now either (surprise!)

      • VG says:

        Anthony – Could some of these things that you are feelings be perception (The reason why none of it is going away is because of the lack of understanding from my partner, the lack of compassion, the constant looking down on me and the bickering)? Please try not to take that to heart, but as someone who has supported a depressed person I can only tell you I did all those things you speak of, showing this man that I love him through thick and thin, trying to ride the tide with him, BUT his perception of what was actually going on between us was so severally skewed that it caused the downfall of the relationship. There was NOTHING i could do to change how he was viewing things. And as many depression suffers, he started to try to get me to take blame for the downfall because I was loving and supportive and I wouldnt’ give up on him. Please tell me why that is a bag thing??? Anyway I wish you the best towards recovery because depression kills relationships and families with no mercy at all.

      • Antonia says:

        Totally agree with VG. Compassion fatigue also sets in eventually when you have given everything you can give (I have both been depressed and supported a depressed partner). My GP gave me the advice for my own depression/anxiety of using the ‘good days’ to make small changes to your life. Some people aren’t willing to do that and would rather blame others around them for making their condition worse. Sometimes it is only you that can change the situation, depressed or otherwise. Little by little. Depressed people rarely seem to take into account that life with a depressed person is as bad as being depressed.

    • Eric says:

      Hi Amanda,

      I’m going through the same thing with my girlfriend of 3 years. Her depression really set in about a year and a half ago, but I’ve now learned she has battled it her whole life. I didn’t know what was happening for a long time and it has had a huge impact on our relationship. There are lots of people like us that are struggling to keep hope that one day our partners will come back. I know it is really hard at times too. I have found a free course for family members of people with depression that discusses coping strategies, treatment, causes, etc. it’s a 12 week course that starts next week and I’m hopefully it will be a good tool of information for me to get through this. If you google NAMI Family to Family class there is a link to find the next class in your area.

      Best wishes with everything,

      Eric

  162. I know says:

    Ok I’m gonna help u guys, and tell u what it ACTUALLY feels like for your partner. When the depression starts its like a grey fog and you lose all your normal happy love feeling in yourself, your fine with people you are NOT close to as they don’t really know you but your CLOSEST people kids partner mum all get it. For some reason your more angry irritated let down. The BIG difference with your kids and mum is its unconditional therefore you know u love them but just not that much at the min cause ur stressed and de connected. The problem with your relationship is that you EXPECT to love them continually and when you noticed the dis connection you start to question if you actually love them. That’s the beauty of a love relationship it’s isn’t based on biology you pick that one person over everyone in the world so the deconnection you question. Now when your in a clinical depression there’s nothing you can do or shake it off. There is always a trigger and usually can be started by a partner! That makes it worse cause they blame you but the trigger is over reacted the response when they are normal wouldn’t be that reaction but in depression it’s the tip of an iceberg. They stop loving and can am not able to love as lose ALL self esteem they hide their true fears and distance themselves. They look for a new escape but don’t have the courage to face it unless the partner finishes with them. This I how you handle it ignore all negative responses. Stay normal and play down the stress as a rocky patch tell them to have space they will need full space for atleast 8 mths so be prepared to be left on your own but tell them not to be unfaithful get it on I u still want to but accept they can’t love u or anyone only fancey. Once normality continues the angry hostility subside if not untreated. Very slowly after 8 mth on average you will start to see spots of loving and caring but it takes about 6 mths for the brain to fully be able to love again. That year the brain is confused and goin over a million things to bring the person ok again. They will become a deeper more happy person they not hovthroughvthere troubles on there own and u must let them. If you break up with them that will make them worse stay exactly the same. Write a diary and have those discussions when they recover but they can’t handle it while their recovering. Once recovered they will love you a million times more than they used to and will feel guilt regret and love for a partner that stood firm. Depression is an illness like cancer diabetes. It’s important for the partner to not take it personally if you walk and move on its impossible to get that love back, if you linger and keep door open the love WILL return. It’s not your partners choice.i When a relationship over it I beat not to rush into a new relationship anyway so you have nothing to lose waiting a year. It builds you to be strong you have so much spare time to share with friends and hobbies. Dont lose hope it won’t last forever the brain recovers from a clinicial depression on average 8mths 6 mths recovery, it is only 20% that I longer or a mild depression but mild depression thy should still feel love. A person that does not care is experiencing a clinical depression a lose of life that is sad but the strong can succeed have faith patience and love in your heart x stay strong for both of you. Time. . It steals the ability to love they won’t love another person if you stay in the background, they may fancey and dream but that’s all aloud of fake rubbish that means nothing and when there over it they will realise that. But they will throw everything at you to get a quick exit don’t give it to them. 8 mths is the worse to stick it out then it started getting better

    • VG says:

      This all sounds good, but the reality of it is that the depressed partner may do some very harmful things to your relationship during their time of space. From a group I belonged to there were very few cases of partners fog lifting and them still feeling love for their partner. Sadly.

      • MM says:

        I agree and he has told me to leave. I tried for months. He said he doesn’t want me. He wants be alone forever. What’s a girl to do? This one after months of rejection and months before if supporting him has finally walked. I’d love to stay but I can’t make him.

        • VG says:

          MM – Mine said the same. He told me to move on. He said he will be alone, but then 2 months later he said he is seeing someone. Part of me actually doesn’t believe this is true because I think he was trying to hurt me (again). We were having a very heated conversation when he contacted me out of the blue. If it is true than he has not really received the help he so desperately needs and will end up doing the same thing to this person when the novelty wears off. Yup all the supporting and love didn’t make a difference to him in the end.

          • MM says:

            Mine told me he wanted to be alone. Was not seeing anyone but I don’t buy it one bit. And he is so out of character from the man I knew, I dont trust a word he says. Not good. Time to let this one GO!

            : (

            I am so sorry you went through this too; it broke my heart. I love him so and we were wonderful together. This too shall pass. . .

          • I know says:

            Completely agree with you both, if the partner is completely unbearable or decides to leave their isn’t anything the partner can do their powerless. That’s where every depression is different for every couple. However in some cases they don’t completely leave and if the partner waits it out sometimes it can return. It’s hard to guess how long it will run which is a major factor a few mths everyone can bear but they can last 2 yrs and it can change how u see them and u lose respect in a way. However a partner chooses to deal with is very strong to walk is very strong to accept and move on your life but always have a love for them.

        • VG says:

          I want this pain to pass more than anything. Its been actually more difficult on me than my divorce. This was my first serious relationship post divorce. Difference was this man was very good for me (well at least the one I fell in love with). This other person well no. Also I really loved this man and would have stayed by his side if he would have allowed me to. I feel like I’ve had little closer. I CANNOT speak with him because everything feels too raw for me still, PLUS i cannot be subjected to more illogical and hurtful things that may come out of his mouth. I have enough to ruminate with!

    • I know says:

      Also just adding further to concentrate on the specific trigger. Every depressed person has a trigger that sets then off into a over top worry. It’s hard to distinguish at first cause there negative about thing but listern hard deep down they will tell u quite happily in their agitation what their problems are. The trigger can be a person situation or as ridiculous as Hoover, whatever it is that’s the tip of the iceberg. U then have to ask them why the Hoover is bothering u so much? That’s when the next layer comes through they explain that something in their past happened and the hoover (trigger) reminds them of it and its pointless can’t deal with it. That’s when u get to the core they have to watch it like a movie the flashbacks in a safe plae and relearn a different solution to how they felt because it wasn’t dealt with properly previously. Once they realis how they should of see thins different before they will see the trigger can change too. The brain finds a solution to the past hurts and heals in weeks back to normal. It takes a good friend therapist or a true partner to listern and find the iceberg abd identify it, and start to dig. The iceberg is always ridiculous like I don’t know if u love me but that means I’m scared of not having control in love I’ve been hurt before. Every trigger is different a stranger can trigger a depression it depends on what the depression is holding on to. Good luck digging out those triggers, be aware u may have to dig out a few triggers first to get to the actual one that caused if like finding a needle in a haystack cause their so negative about everything lol but just listern u will hear a pattern.

      • Jenny says:

        I just went through this. My boyfriend walked out on me and our dog. We’ve been living together for 10 months and the pressures of not being able to find the right job in NYC was the trigger. Apparently he was spiraling downward for several months, but I just thought he was down and out, but not a clinical illness. Anyway, now he’s gone and questioning everything and anything about himself and the pressures of a relationship and feeling like he needs to take care of a lady in his life is too much. The crazy part is that I feel deep down in my heart that I know how much he loved me and I know that love is still in there somewhere. We had a good relationship, he’s even admitted to that. Hopefully this fog won’t last for a long while for him. It’s hard not to give up hope or not to forget the love that was once there. So this is month two for me and I’m still checking in on him every once in a while, letting him know I care. We’ll see where that gets us 8 months from now…

    • Laura says:

      This is what I have been looking for since depression has taken over my husband’s life. I has said some very hurtful things to me like saying he doesn’t love me anymore, etc. Hearing your perspective has given me a lot of hope that at the end, there is still light for our relationship.

      Thank you.

    • ken says:

      hi i know
      would love to connect as im having the same problems.

    • Kenzie says:

      I really need help. My boyfriend and I both suffer from depression but I am a naturally sensitive person so I don’t really push my anger out on him. We don’t argue a lot at all. We have spent every day together since we met 5 months ago. He does his own thing and I kinda wait around until he’s done (which makes me feel like shit) he likes to play videogames (I think that’s how he escapes) which I understand but for the past 3 or 4 months things have been going downhill fast. He snaps at me randomly about things that wouldn’t make anyone else mad. He takes things I say the wrong way and makes me feel bad. I put my emotions to the side for our relationship to last but its getting so hard. We no longer share entertaining conversations. (Not that I don’t try). But he never seems to care what I have to say. I get depressed and want to leave and he gets upset and takes everything the wrong way. I’m trapped. By my emotions by his by his family, who I have a strong bond with. Please I just don’t know what to do.

  163. Sarahjane says:

    Reading this was such an eye opener to me 🙁 it’s like I finally realise its me that’s the problem and I’m reading everything I seem to do to my partner. I’ve emailed him this link as after the weekend we just had we were at breaking point …. I’m hoping this will be the turning point we need to face my
    Issues together and save our relationship. Thank you so much for publishing this you’ve helped at least 1 person wake up and ask for help xx

    • crystal says:

      I feel the exact same way you took the words right out of my mouth. For the first time I don’t feel alone or crazy.

    • Stephanie says:

      hello, hopefully you can still see this post. I’m going through the exact same thing and my partner told me he doesnt want to be unhappy anymore, and he wants me healthy and so on… he doesnt know if he wants to be with me. I’ve been so depressed for 2 years that he doesnt know me anymore. I emailed him this link earlier, did your partner check this website out? if so, how are you guys today if you dont mind me asking

      • Janet says:

        I’m on the other side of a 2+ year bad spell. Keep seeking help until you find something that WORKS. My husband is SLOWLY improving but it has been a long haul. The Family to Family class through NAMI helped me tremendously. I truly believe if I hadn’t found them when I did that we would be divorced.

  164. Mark says:

    I live in Pennsylvania, US
    I am 50 years old and have been battling deppresion, anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and bi-polar since I was 16.
    I married my first and only love, raised two wonderfull children and started and continue to run a sucessfull business.
    ” Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.”
    I didn’t realize that wasting money, not paying bills on time and maintaining a pig sty were trivial things.
    When I work as the major breadwinner to support my family of four adults I do expect these things and yes it can trigger irritability and after many weeks, months, years of the same it can trigger depression, do you believe this to be an illness or a resonable response? If you believe the latter I can’t imagine how you get by in your workplace, there is a need for order, if I was to stop being orderly and directing in my business we would surley fall to our competitors and then there would be no money to waste or to pay the bills and a pig sty would seem appropriate?
    There are funds in the bank yet my wife lets billing go for weeks or months, I have vendors who write” please” on their invoices when they go past the 60-120 past due date thereby ruining my credit and reputation, as well as putting stress on these venders families, but when I confront her about her side of the business ( bookkeeping !) she says it’s my illness that is the problem and that I’m over reacting so please don’t be so quick to put us sick folk into your […] isolated pigeon holes there are more then one side to these things

  165. Really says:

    What I find really annoying is how other people end up critising the partner that stands by them!! Huh a partner that stands by a depressed person deserves a medal. I spoke to a counsellor that assured me my partner of ten years was suffering from depression. He’s in Deniel sayes he just doesn’t love me I believed it at first but she assured me that from the millions of couples she’s works with a guy that behaves in the above symptoms ain’t rational. So my choice was to stick by him and its been soooo hard but then my friends and family started saying that I was in Deniel! And are u sure ur not the problem!!!!!!! Ur not a doctor how do u know for certain, blah blah blah give up on him and throw him out, don’t worry about ur conscience. I’ve watched the man I love walk around in dirty clothes live out a bag and loose every ounce of hope he’s ever had before my own eyes. Five months I spent being ignored and left on my own but apparently I’m in Deniel. I wish I was because the reality of living with partners breakdown is far worse. They started to make me doubt myself maybe it is me? In so done with doubting myself that it is what it is I’ve accepted it continue with my life on my own and have hope one day hell pull through. And as for people that mock partners of depressed partners thy dont have the strength I do.

    • Lili says:

      Hi Really, i agree with you 100%.
      I think its more of a human nature thing to judge the partner that chooses to stay with the depressed partner. They think you are blinded by love and the situation, and it could be true, but only you can make yourself believe that.
      I was told by my depressed partner’s aunty that he maybe just using me to get by each day and that i should leave him and i can never be truely happy untill i do so. I mean, why would she say that? At first she was supportive and greatful, as his family, that i did not run at the first sight of his depression. However, as things worsened they were convinced that i should leave him. I was already harbouring the hurts from accusations and blames fired at me by my partner – that i have somehow caused his depression and that i was the problem. For the family to say that to me, It is almost in a way like they begin to think i was the problem too.
      And yet i chose not to listen, maybe im the fool, but i refuse to be judged by someone who knows nothing about how deep and loving the relationship was before depression. I may or may not one day think back and realise that i should have left, but i want to find that out for myself. Incase i let the love of my life go without puting up a fight. Therefore i choose to stand by my partner as long as this relationship lasts.

  166. Not again says:

    My partner just left a few days ago. It’s been 10 mths some I first noticed a change in him, over the top angry and a blank look very self absorbed and stopped talking. He hid it for a few mths just kept having the worst go at me and then in feb he said that I didn’t make him happy and he doesn’t feel connected anymore and wanted me to try more, so I did and 2 wks later he said not enough I want to leave u it’s 2 late. I was like u only gave me 2 wks??? Anyway we have children so I said just have space and think about it. He became manic for 4 mths and went out every night to the pub and slept on his friends couchs. It was awful he would pop back to change only play with his phone and off again running from me thinking I was causing his depression when I haven’t changed for ten years! He stopped caring about anything or anyone and everything just didnt mean anything, he stopped talking to his family years ago which was the truma that started his breakdown and he now has gone back their without a invite desperate saying he’s thinking of leaving his family but he’s still not sure. Oh and he thinks depression is an American made up term and he’s simply falling out of love with me. Ridiculous I don’t know what I’m goin to do one part sayes stick it out an wait he will improve eventually but the others just had enough I want happiness

    • Marikka says:

      It’s a hard slog. We seperated for a few months and he went and did all sorts of stuff. I’m devastated of course and now myself suffering moderate depression yet can’t imagine going out and doing crazy stuff myself. Anyway obviously I have loads of questions that he has no answers for or just says it was the depression that made me do it. I feel like its such a cop out it makes me feel angry. He gets agitated and annoyed if I bring any of it up and says its in the past and I should just drop it.its been almost 12 months now since we went through all this and he’s recovering which is great. I just feel like I’m left with feeling like crap over it all perhaps I’m feeling sorry for myself. But it’s horrible the doubt and mistrust caused . Some days are hard still it is getting easier though. I just feel if I hurt someone that much I would be doing everything I could to make it up to them. He doesn’t agree of course. He just wants to move on and I can understand that also.

      • MM says:

        Marikka,

        I am sorry to hear this and hurt for, as well as with, you. For months I was on this blog trying to sort things out, but now I come to offer concern and understanding to others . I’ve given up on my relationship with my depressed partner but it still hurts like hell. I actually have a date this Saturday that I am not thrilled about but I have to stop worrying and giving my all to this; I have to get back out there in life and stop investing so much energy into a relationship that obviously no longer exists . My ex partner also wont’ answer questions which I probably shouldnt bother to ask. Who knows if he would answer them honestly and when he answers them with a callous cold reply that was once warm and tender towards me–it just hurts even more. And his answers are much like your ex’s–things like “I am not talking. I dont want to speak.” Or “Hell no, are you listening to me, I told you this–blah blah” and some other chastising comment. I’ve gone from his main supporter and best friend–confidant to someone he feels is “trapping” him. I watched him slowly fade–and then the next casualty was us…we lost us. I tried to fight, to hold on, but he was gone in every way–physically, spiritually, mentally, and as my partner. …it’s making me depressed myself. I understand what you mean by the cop out–I feel the same way as you do and have even said to him (which was probably NOT a good idea) “I was standing by you at your worst, and you can’t just hold on to us?” I’ve also said things like “I dont understand why you wouldnt want to be good back to me.” And in my worst moments, which came the longer and longer he stayed away (now at 3.5 months) I said things like, “One day you were glad to have me and then you wanted to be alone in all this. So you pick being alone over being with me? Was I not doing enough to stand by you–walking on eggshells for months, reading books on depression to try to understand and support you, planning our dates, doing your grocery shopping–you pick alone over us?” I know most of these should have never come out of my mouth but they are true and in moments of being completely flabbergasted, I said things I shouldnt have. It breaks my heart and made me feel so unimportant, disregarded, and minimal that I don’t think a day has gone by that I have not cried the entire 3.5 months. My father has cancer and has been very sick too–I felt at moments I was losing my two main “guys” for support–who will tell me when to fix XYZ on my car? Who will care about me and if I get home in the rain okay? I miss kisses, and being touched…and it all became too much and too painful. . . It’s sad really…the loss of a connection and at times, an entire human being. He isn’t the same man he was when I met him and although I was willing to still stand by him, his depressed self has made me feel like I wasn’t worth it back. I know I shouldnt try to make sense of the depression because it’s irrational to beat my head on a wall just as it is irrational to try to make sense of this but it doesnt make the pain any less.

        • Edel Vaughan says:

          So true was your story I can completely relate to it. I have been married to my husband for almost Twenty one years he has depression and I feel I have went over and above I am going to make myself ill if I don’t walk away I myself have been touched with cancer just getting my own life on track . during that time I tried my best to shield him from my illness wish now I had never bothered. I thought I was through the worst time of my life but dealing with a partner with depression is hell. Depression is in my husbands family my illness did not cause it.In my heart I know I have done all I can though it breaks my heart to walk away I know I have to I can no longer live with a stranger.
          E.V

  167. Jordie94 says:

    Being 19 and having lost my girlfriend of 2 and a half years to most of these issues highlighted I wish I had realised what was happening an talked about it i

  168. This really spoke to me. I think “irritability” and “indifference” is something I constantly deal with myself. It does nothing but push people around me away…

  169. H. says:

    I started dating the man of my dreams a bit more than a year ago.
    The problem is, that the relationship started 2 weeks after I have ended a very painful, destructive, and violent relationship.
    My ex would still appear in my nightmares, I would wake up in fear, and have it all in the back of my mind.
    Recently, I stopped seeing these nightmares and ever thinking of my ex – or at least think of him a lot less.
    And now – experiencing a stressful time with my current partner because of a new flat, a renovation, uncertainty with my own work and income – I have been sulking for over a month.
    I am irritated, annoyed, angry, have many expectations that don’t get fulfilled, which makes me even angrier. I am struggling to keep tears in during the day at work and with my man – but whenever I get a moment alone, I break out in tears.
    This article lists all these nasty features of a depression, and I’m wondering what is the real cause of my depression. I can’t afford to go to a specialist at the moment, and I don’t know how much more of this I can take, especially that it harms my partner and our well-being.

  170. Megan says:

    Very useful, and hugely identifiable. Brilliantly written, thankyou.

  171. MM says:

    Yes. How sad. It’s a true loss. We had a wonderful connection. I fought for months to pull him back. I wanted to be there for the good and the bad. He first stopped camping. Then his vulgarity began…a man for years who hated when I cursed began cursing everything. Then his work ethic and sleeping went to hell. Then he stopped touching me. Laughing. We’d spend nights with him staring in space. I stood loyal. I told him it would pass. I read books like Things not to say to depressed people etc. I grocery shopped for him and I gave him space to0 i picked up his regular duties like planning dates without a complaint. I even planned my own birthday. I went without kissing although I desperately needed his touch. I wasn’t perfect but I stood by him. … And then eventually I got cut. Over the phone no less! I tried to get him to just hold on. To not make a decision until he was well about us. During the past 2.5 months since the sudden break up, i even tried giving him space with no contact for three weeks. When I would pop back up worried as hell he’d look worse. But his decision was the same. He needed to be alone. He hasn’t initiated contact once…even with my father who had cancer in the hospital, he hasn’t reached out to me. Snap! He was just gone. . I just recently gave up after two and a half months and now am trying to heal. I met him one last time. Told him he was worth more. I cared about him. He hugged me for the first time tight and long. I wish he had held onto us. In angry moments he said awful things to me. He would never love me. I made his depression worse. He didn’t want me to care. To get over it..people break up. He dismissed me on every level and I felt like I never mattered. I have to pray he will get better. I miss him and worry but his depression won’t allow him to care about me and I have given up on us…not him but us. I’ll always wonder if I could’ve done a better job. I carry so much confusion and anger combined with guilt but I don’t trust him anymore :(. Depression sucks.

    • Psmo says:

      Recently I’ve painfully learned the truth about people like your ex and see my self in you . He sounds like a full blown narcissist and you may have narcissistic stealth abuse . Depression is really narcissism waiting for something external to be happy perfect car house job etc , out happy comes from within and when you depend on external sources to feel good about yourself you open yourself up to a roller coaster of disappointment alternately inside emotional maturity says even though I lost job , don’t have money I feel I deserve outside I’m still me . Alot out there as far as your boyfriend it becomes a personality disorder when they resort to pathological. Means to assure they get outside “supply” to feel good , unfortunately he feeds of your pity , loves that he can affect a perso. To such a degree , it will destroy you if you don’t get help . You beloved dad had nothing of value ( in his pathologic self ) to boost your mans ego therefore was devalued , and you dismissed , and discarded be aide he controlled you he won and you no longer met his demand for supply . For him not alot of hope but I am example you can change how you think and are on the inside . Pain is your true self begging you to listen and value you .

      • MM says:

        Yes. You’re right. I internalized it all. I broke down. It destroyed my ego and I realized he really doesn’t care about me-depressed or not. He’s an ego maniac covered by a nice guy exterior. When he got depressed he even removed all intimacy and rarely reassured me it wasn’t “me.” this is simple caring about another person to reassure, trust, value and give back …he is incapable of love. I haven’t checked this site lately but am glad I did. I told him off. Told him he wasn’t good to me. He’s emotionally unavailable and the depression just made him an asshole who was still emotionally unavailable. I and “we” never had a chance. I no longer wish to his fool. Thank you for your insight and blatant honesty. It confirms my decision after three months of rejection and at times down right cruelty and dismissal and two plus years of loving a man and giving him far more than he ever earned. Sad. I actually am quickly learning to see things more clearly and it truly unveiled the self centered manipulative ass he is and always will be. After years if he feels no obligation to give back to me or us then he never intended to. He used me until I was no longer of service. Never never again.

        MM

        • BIB says:

          That is unfortunately where I find myself. After having spent months going round in circles, my very depressed friend (who rejects any option of seeking or accepting professional help) has told me that I should leave him once more again. Accused me of not solving his problems for him. And so on. That he can only get better on his own… All those things which I got to read here by you having been in similar boats, as it seems. I see no other way after all than taking a BIG step back. Although it hurts. To continue feeding into this is like being a co alcoholic, at least it looks like it to me. What a difficult decision to take – to step out of a relationship although one is still caring. Trying to maintain sanity, self respect and positive attitude without letting a friend down who is caught up in depressed, narcissistic thinking patterns, suffering, disabled by his mental state. But unwilling to give up the idea that the others incl me and his environment should magically make him feel great again. And because they cannot do this, he neglects, ignores, emotionally abuses or dismisses them. Very difficult. Thanks a lot for your posts and for sharing your stories.

  172. MM says:

    I echo your statements. I’ve gone from his closer supporter to his arch enemy in a snap and I didn’t change. He’s said awful things that I know aren’t true but hurt deeply. The one that resignates with me is that everything I do I do so I get a gain from it. My nature is caring and giving and this comment hurt the most especially since I’d sacrificed so my to support his depression ie: no intimacy and staying loyal, reading books to help him, etc. I though wasn’t worth hanging on to and was one of the last things he isolated himself from. I want to scream me? Look on the mirror buddy. . . But in those moments the pain overrides my clarity that it’s the depression not him talking. I don’t think I’ll ever trust him again. 🙁

    • I know says:

      They will say every nasty thing in the book u must expect it and try and as hard as it is try and make a joke of it. After a few mths I did he would go mad over the dog bowl or not finding his shirt it was ridiculous and over the top. They will have triggers that will set them in a spiral the spiral starts and it down hill for a few hours days so try and stop triggers. Ignore his silly comments no response and keep out of way and let them have space. It WILL last on average 8 mths of living with a complete stranger! You have to accept that a counsellor told me you must set different boundaries to a depressed partner than your usual partner. Ignore it, let them go out they have to have 100%space. The trick is to try and control the triggers learn what sets them off, it is walking on eggshells but more being patient it’s not for forever jut while they are unwell you must support them. As for being in love? They will question that completely. The trick with depression is they CAN’T MAKE DESCIONS they will tell u a million times they want to break up but if you tell them let’s wait 6 mths see a counsellor and give them another option they actually can’t handle having the two options. If you break they will not care because they don’t care about anything!!!!! But by giving them a choice of we can make it everything is ok have space think it over for a few weeks, the weeks turn into months but the trick is over the 8 mths everyday their getting better less angry and feeling slightly more. Not completely more but the choice will be more logical to stay. Hold out and ignore. A few texts every few days I love you and support IS what they need to hear they won’t respond until a year later when try cry there eyes out and said they had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t feel anything. There feelings die and the grow again slowly. If they loved you before they will love you again. Don’t Change and ignore it remember the old person you love there inside the depressed person trapped. Just wait. Watch everyday the improvement it is actually quite remarkable. Life coming back.

      • VG says:

        I know: I wish this was possible. One can’t hold on if the depressed person has their partner completely shut out and telling them to move on (whether or not the love is buried underneath there)

        • MM says:

          VG I agree. He doesn’t contact me. I don’t see him. I tried to even plan a few low key dates. He said no. I go months without seeing him. And well the longer it continues despite my efforts the more my efforts die. It hurt enough that he just left me. But for months he said it wasn’t me and to not internalize it and then he left me. 🙁 I am slowly getting accustomed to not having him in my life. Time and distance creates space whether I want it to or not. I have no choice to move on. Waiting and making failed attempts have broken my heart. He is becoming a memory.

          • VG says:

            MM – yes I don’t see him, its been 5 months since I last saw him in person. In some of his last communication he said he could not bare to see him at this point even though he thought it was the right thing to do. I claims he cares about me, but I really find that hard to believe simply because the actions do not equate to the words. He was busy having fun with a book club and god knows what else while I was laid up in bed non-stop crying for weeks. Yes I know its a facade that they are doing but it doesn’t hurt any less. Its like all the memories were completely erased from his mind and he just left. I simply CANNOT put more energy into something that will likely destroy me (its already done so much damage) even though I love him. I still love him. I do. But i question whether I fell in love with a facade as well:( I’d like to think I did not, but the more I learn about this illness the more I question whether I was just another victim of the depressive mind during the entire relationship.

  173. Julia says:

    So many of these points ring true. I’m beyond tired of being blamed, of being accused of not being supportive, of not being able to enjoy anything outside of home with my husband. Waking each morning not knowing how he will be feeling. I feel so alone not having a partner to experience the outside world with. Bursts of anger, throwing & breaking things….reading others comments is very helpful. Sadly there is a child involved but I need out before I loose it.

  174. andrew says:

    hello i was with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years
    who i had the pleasure of calling the mother of our beautiful little baby girl
    but 1 month after are daughter arrived things went wrong she was shouting at me for no reason
    breaking up and then getting back toghever. and then all of a sudden during this rock stage in our relationship she dissapered and i was left gobsmaked and heartbroken i was worried about her and our daughter. i had no idea where she was and how they both were doing
    and as a dad i really missed my daughter. then she reappered after two years of hearing nothing
    and she said she has a new life a new bf
    but she would like me to see our daughter
    then only a week ago she changed her mind and let me down
    then she txts me saying. quote why should i let you see your daughter when you havent made an effert
    since she was a month old. which is sort of mindboggling to me because if i new where she was i would of been more involved with our daughters upbringing. can anyone help or explain for the reason behind the act?

  175. lee says:

    i want to kick him out but what if he get angry and something happens or what if he try’s to take my child. he always say’s if i leave him i must know that he is taking his child with him. i am so afraid i don’t know what to do. i am afraid he hurts me or my child. with everything happening i don’t know if i still feel something for him and if i am just to afraid that his gone hurt me or my child if i tel him i want out and he must go i really don’t know. i am thinking of my child and her safety but still don’ t know what to do or maybe i do know but are afraid of whats going happen if i do it . he can be very nasty and that worries me. i feel so stupid, alone and afraid i want to run but it feels like their is no where to run to.

  176. Rilke says:

    I read and re-read this and don’t even know what to think anymore.

    My husband is depressed, from what I know has been for the length of our whole relationship. The depression wasn’t prominent when we first met but quite soon it bloomed (again, as I later learned) — thanks to immigration, unemployment and getting married all within a short time. Anyone would’ve gone bonkers over that combination. However, years later my husband never recovered.

    What I find hardest is the blame. “I feel like I want to kill myself and you’re not helping. You’re making it worse.” What do you say to that? My husband is unarguably working on his situation, the unemployment and the loneliness, but he has no interest in looking deeper into the reasons of his depression. The worse he feels, the more he finds wrong in what I am doing, how I am speaking, what I need or want.

    I have spent 1,5 years in therapy learning how to speak my mind, how to hold on to my truth, how to be compassionate and accepting towards myself and how to reconnect with myself again. When I started to apply those lessons my husband only grew more upset. I put myself ahead of him too much, he says. Damn right I do, because always putting him and his depression first made me a shadow of a person. Perhaps I don’t know where the correct ration between giving and healthy selfishness lies, perhaps I have gone overboard to the other direction.

    But I am just too confused to know whether I want this anymore. Today my husband compared himself to a dog, he really feels like he is my poorly treated dog, forgotten at home while its master goes out and enjoys life. I can understand why he in the current situation feels that way. But I didn’t ask for a dog I asked for a partner! He feels so powerless when facing his problems, he feels without options. I can understand that but don’t know how much more I can give from myself to compensate for that feeling of unsafety in him. His moods riding like a rollercoaster already make this relationship unsafe for me. The only way I can deal with it is to reconnect with the well of deep compassion and strength I have within myself for myself.

    But if he keeps asking for more room inside my garden it is eventually going to wither down the well there too. And I am not willing to go there again. I don’t know what to do.

  177. Matt says:

    My girlfriend and I have bee. Together a year and a half… Last August she ended it for no apparent reason just stating it had nothing to do with me but she was stressed out (single mother of a wonderful 2 year old boy). I wanted her back but after a month of trying I pushed her away… Then after another month apart of not even making contact with her, she told me she missed me and we got back together! Everything was great as it was the first time we were together (which the break up from nowhere). Two weeks ago she texted me that she was sad… I asked what was wrong and she said she doesn’t know just that she was sad… A week later we went on vacation together with the baby… She sees distant a d showed all the signs listed on this blog… When we returned from vacation Friday I took her home and kissed her goodnight and we said I love you! Yaws really didnt talk Saturday or Sunday until she texted me Sunday saying she’s sad and moody and it has nothing to do with me… She says she has no reason to feel like this and she is clueless… I asked if she wanted to leave me and she said she doesn’t know what to do bc she is not happy… She is happy with us but not happy in general and she doesn’t know why…. When we broke up the first time she showed all these signs as well… She said maybe she is depressed or maybe it’s the medicine she is on (she has to take a prescription daily for chronic headaches) but she doesn’t know why she feels this way… I said I am here for her in every way possible but will give her space…. I love her to death and wanted to propose later in the year…. 3 weeks ago she was saying how if we have a girl one day she wants the name to be Olivia… 3 weeks ago she was calling me the love of her life and now this, and we haven’t fought… Is this depression or is she just not into me?

  178. Need Advice says:

    John,

    This is such a helpful blog. I just recently became aware that my girlfriends depression is the cause of so many of our relationship problems. We’ve been dating for 2.5 years and things really started to deteriorate a little over a year ago when her dad was diagnosed with a terminal form of cancer. Her mom also suffers from a debilitating disease. Thank god that both of them are stable for now due to effective treatments. Many of the “relationship traps” above have been part of our relationship for a year now and lately things have gotten much worse.

    I’ve endured so much emotional abuse over the last year. I try to discuss problems we’re having such as intimacy and lack of regard for my opinion or feelings, but she turns it back around on me every time and says I’m not being supportive enough or I’m selfish. She evens laughs at me if I get emotional about how bad she has hurt my feelings and tells me she needs a stronger man. I frequently leave these conversations feeling guilty and ashamed for even bringing it up, but I know it’s important for me to express my concerns and feelings.

    Recently she was going to buy a condo and our plan was to live together but she backed out of the contract at the last minute. Her depression has gotten so much worse in just the last few weeks. Now she has decided that she doesn’t have enough support here and wants to move back home (5 hour flight) to be closer to her family. To make things even more complicated we discovered she was pregnant 2 weeks ago. She told me she was moving away 3 days before we found out she was pregnant and she says she is going with or without me…..we can’t even discuss other options or she just yells at me. I was never ask to go with her initially and now she says I’m unsupportive for wanting her to stay here. Her parents are currently doing well and she sees them frequently, they come here or we have taken vacations with them.

    While at the doctors appt. with her, her doctor slipped in front of me and said she has a history of depression…which now explains so many things that we’ve been going through over the last year. I completely understand her wanting to be close to family, but she had told me she needed to live her own life and wanted to stay out west because she liked it here (until recently). My twin brother is here and I have my dream job, among many other friends that I rely on for support, and I’m not sure I can survive this relationship and the effect her depression is having on it if I move with her where I don’t know anyone and don’t like the location. I want to do it for the baby, but I’m so scared of being unhappy and alone because of her illness and wondering if things will ever get better. The emotional abuse is unbearable at times. I will be a part of my child’s regardless of our relationship status, but feel hopeless and trapped that she’s going to move away with the baby.

    We are currently in counseling together, which is the third time I’ve sought for help. I love her so much but feel like I’m at a breaking point. I’ve sacrificed many things over the last year, and making the ultimate sacrifice to give up my life here and move is more than I can handle right now.

    Thank you for any advice.

  179. De says:

    Well, in reading further I find a lot of discussion of just those points that are vexing me, particularly in “is it the partner or the depression.” Sorry, I shouldn’t really have started rambling on w/o reading a bit more of the site. I’m just so relieved (as I said) to find someplace where there are people who understand how crazy-making it is to live with the Jekyll/Hyde thing — so relieved that I’m babbling. Will be dropping by again, I’m sure, as my partner’s moods oscillate and drag me around with them.

    That’s what I’m trying to work on now, is not getting dragged around: but it’s so hard not to be (a) gutted by empathy as you see someone you love so much looking so miserable and talking about wanting to “go to sleep and not have to wake up again”, and (b) angry as you find your life increasingly controlled by his illness. Can’t have people over, he can’t cope right now. Have to go to this social event alone, he can’t cope right now. Can’t discuss the smallest domestic issue without it turning into high-tension irritability, he can’t cope right now. And yet somehow *I* am supposed to cope, and go on coping, being the grownup, pretending to the world that everything is OK.

    So I’m trying to figure out those coping skills, and I’ve stopped pretending to the world that things are OK; I say openly to people that my partner is depressed right now, w/o going into details, and I find that most people understand this and give me that little bit of sympathy that makes all the diff. The big challenge for me is life at home: how can I detach myself from the roller coaster, not get dragged down into the pit with my partner, insulate myself from the hostility and coldness, shrug off the drama, without actually killing my feelings for him? Do I just put my love in the freezer for a couple of weeks and thaw it out again when he’s feeling better? That feels so incredibly controlled to me, like I have to exist or not exist emotionally at his convenience. And yet, what’s the point in trying to get water out of a stone, or emotional interaction out of a catatonic, deeply-depressed person who’s drowning, not waving? I’m trying to learn detached empathy, to regard my partner’s emotional vagaries as being like weather — just work around it — and it’s not easy. My own loneliness and self-pity (as my loving partner repeatedly abandons me and is replaced by this nagging, critical, sullen, resentful stranger) make it hard to maintain my spirits and stability. And I struggle (as you can tell) with these conflicting feelings about responsibility, wanting to hold him accountable for the unfriendly behaviour, hard looks and hard words, prickly irritability and dismissiveness, etc. Gonna read those “tips on taking care of yourself” again, and again, and again. Many thanks to you all, particularly our host.

    • Chance says:

      I feel your pain, De. I feel exactly the same way.

      Again and again I ask myself why I am living a life defined by someone else’s crisis. I feel very selfish for having thoughts like these, though in my self-defense I have these thoughts when my partner is raging, blaming me for things, acting condescending, crying, etc. Somehow he expects me to remain present, loving, and happy during these outbursts. Um… how? How am I supposed to be cheerful when the person I love is crying and furious with the world?

      One of the worst parts is that he asks me to be honest during his episodes, but he hates my honesty. If he says, “How are you feeling?” and I say, “Terrible, because you’re upset,” then I’m accused of not being understanding. If I’m silent, I’m accused of thinking of ending our relationship. If I try to be cheerful even, sometimes I’m accused of doing a bad job at it.

      One of the worst parts is that sometimes the storm ends abruptly and he’ll turn from being angry and moody to sunny and sweet. It’s crazy-making for me. I never know what’ll happen next.

      If you ever want to talk, I would love that. Let me know.

  180. De says:

    Wow. I’ve been trying to deal for 4 years with a partner who I am now coming to realise has a serious brain chemistry issue of some kind — a lot of the behaviours listed here are painfully familiar, especially sudden cutting off of affect, isolation, w/drawal, passivity, inexplicable irritability, refusal to communicate, rage if questioned or if concern is expressed, resentment (everything is one demand too many), etc.

    What concerns me is this: at what point do we have to name these behaviours emotional abuse? I mean, sudden rages, unfair accusations, cruel/cold behaviour, verbal put-downs and pissiness, it’s all pretty mean stuff. It’s called “being a nasty person.” Is this all stuff that the depressed person is somehow “not responsible for”? I mean, I feel low sometimes, but I don’t take it out on the people around me. Where does personal responsibility kick in? Are all emotional abusers just poor, depressed, ill people who should be excused and condoned?

    So… I’m often torn between sympathy for my partner’s evident misery, and anger and frustration at his self-absorption and abandonment of (what I see as) the responsibilities of a relationship (like maintaining communications and being kind to your SO).

    When I get really depressed (and I’ve had some pretty bad, sepia-toned, loss-of-meaning, why-bother-life-is-shit moments myself) I just go to bed and sleep it off, treat it like a case of the flu, distract myself with books and videos. Cry maybe, get it out of my system. And w/in 1 to 3 days I’m functioning again. I guess that means my depression is less severe than many people’s, and that makes me lucky. But I don’t spend my time acting it out *at* other people — moping around the house, scowling into space, nagging and criticising and controlling, refusing to converse, acting superior and arrogant, treating any contact as an offence (or an interruption).

    I feel sometimes like the Other Woman in our relationship is his depression — like he’s suffering from it, but also somehow in love with it, and that when he’s with the Other Woman he suddenly dislikes, rejects and devalues me. When depressed he acts like he’s in some hugely important conversation with someone else, someone who is far, far more important than I am, and I’m just this irritating interruption, something to brush aside (or get mad at). And though he sometimes says “I should do something about this” (as in get some help, see someone, meditate, CBT, whatever), he then immediately says that it won’t work, that nothing could possibly help — as if his depression is somehow special and more terrible and complicated than anyone else’s, and nothing that has worked for anyone else could possibly work for him… or maybe he really doesn’t want to be parted from it.

    OK, I guess I needed to vent a bit here! one topic that I think could be explored here — maybe I haven’t looked around enough to find it — is the helpless, baffled anger and hurt of the partner of the severely depressed person. I like the guidelines for taking care of yourself, but… what do we do about the *anger* we feel about our partner’s unfair, hurtful, betraying behaviours, about the lurking, unsettling sense that they are playing some kind of bait-n-switch game with us, being all Mr Nice Guy one day and Mr Pissy Sulkypants the next? It makes me feel not only hurt, but like a fool, manipulated. I know I’m not being charitable here, those feelings I’m voicing may not be analytical or rational or admirable — yeah, I know his brain chemistry is doing some kind of tapdance and I do acknowledge it’s an illness, heck, I *know* he’s not neurotypical — but those feelings of pain and betrayal are real, and I find that I cannot be as close to him as we once were… because, bottom line, I no longer trust him to be a reliable friend, let alone a loving partner. I never know when his mood will swing again, so I have to be always armoured, on guard, waiting for the next episode. I’m not in a relationship with an equal and reliable partner, I’m the bewildered caretaker of a Person With Issues, and when he’s “gone” I’m far more lonely that I ever was when I lived alone.

    Ever get the feeling that you’ve come home to find a hostile stranger in the house instead of your loving partner? And what do you do with the feeling of betrayal, dismay, abandonment that goes with that? Sounds like the partners of depressives are asked to be holy martyrs, to suffer every insult and slight and just keep smiling and being supporting and loving — carrying 75 percent of the relationship, while the depressive person just tunes in and out randomly, feeling oh so sorry for himself, too busy with self-pity and his own grudges, anxieties and obsessive thought patterns to care about the damage being done to anyone else. Is that depression, I wonder again, or emotional abuse? Argh. I’m suffering from very conflicting views of my situation, the old “badness or madness” debate, very close to home. Who’s the real person, Jekyll or Hyde? I’ll keep reading, but my response to several of the stories posted here in the comments is “Just leave, leave now, get out before he gets violent, and get an unlisted phone number.” So I’m wondering if that should be my advice to myself as well. I’m hoping I’ll find material here that suggests coping strategies (other than martyrdom) and possible avenues for healing/mitigation.

    I am so very grateful to have found this forum, btw. It’s just such a relief to see that these behaviours are a *pattern* and that it occurs consistently/predictably, that it’s not something I’m “just imagining” or “overreacting to” etc. Sigh. Neurological disability is so much harder to cope with than purely physical ones that leave the personality intact, or at least consistent. Wild personality swings are really, really hard to cope with. Makes you wonder, who really *is* that person across the dinner table?

    • Steve fruechtl says:

      This person is not depressed. Well in a sinse they’re not. They just don’t like you and don’t know how to say it. Be it you have children together or is just to afraid to tell you they just don’t click with you and or like you at all. Not depression, well in a sinse the person just dosnt know how to tell you they don’t want to be with you.

      • JR says:

        With respect, that’s not necessarily true, @Steve. I’ve suffered from depression, and it really can hit a person to the point that they act in these ways. But the depressed person is not necessarily angry with their significant other or not in love with their SO. The depressed person would act this way with *anyone* with whom they had a close relationship…

        Keep the faith @DE. I’ve been the depressed person. Your SO probably needs your support and likely feels very guilty about what they put you through when they’re down. Your SO also feels very alone, I guarantee it. Your SO also needs to see someone, whether they think it will help or not. You can’t force this on a depressed person, but you can encourage them when they are not down. Try finding a local hotline phone number for mental issues that your SO can call the next time things get bad. These folks are trained to be calm and their encouragement to get help can cut through where your words can’t because you’re too close to the situation. Try to hold your SO’s hand and lay that hand in the hand of folks trained to deal with this. If you can do this, it should give you some relief, and that in turn will relieve your SO as they see they are not burdening you so much and can lean on someone else for part of what they need…

    • KS says:

      De

      You have just said word for word exactly what I am feeling and you have said it so well. I have just initiated no contact with my SO of 2.5 years. I am full of guilt for doing this but felt I had to for my own mental health as I am at breaking point with constant anxiety and panic attacks. I would love my partner to seek treatment. He sometimes admits he is depressed but point blank refuses to get help.

    • KW says:

      De…would LOVE to talk with you, compare notes…I’m really struggling here. If you’re interested let me know and we’ll exchange email.

    • Billy says:

      Wow de that sounds like a lot of what i suffer from. The real person your dealing with probably don’t even know what he’s up against. i know i had no idea about any of this. I’ve always been an outgoing pperson with probably to much of tbe badass personality going. Because that’s what wemon like? But truth is i don’t wanna be the badass tough guy anymore, i want to be the loving , trustworthy person my SO needs. so it really hard for you to make other people see the changes you’ve made or are attempting to make , because they only know the old you , who is rude, hatful, mean, etc… but i say stand by him 100% but make some strong demands. remember he might not understand he has these issues so they need to be pointed out to him clearly. some adviceo fixen what’s broke should be clear. Honey you make me feel like ghis or that, and if you don’t get them addressed then I’ve got to leave. i promise if i would have really known how i made my gf feel i would have gotten help imeadieatly. once she left and has gave me very little hope the depression has made me give up on everything and i see very little hope. if she would only have helped me find what i didn’t see i would have dropped everything to fix things. because i do love her. i want what’s best for her , but i had to find myself again and , he needs your support doing that. don’t make him fight this fight alone.

  181. Claire says:

    I find this article quit distressing as it states that a depressed person blames everyone for everything. I’m a depressed person and have been on and of since I was 13 yrs old. I was very munch indenial for yrs until last yea I hit rock bottom. Depression or a depressed person is not mental nor are they. suffering from a disease. We are all very much too quick to judge instead of. Trying to listen I mean take it in. I hit rock. Bottom because of Too many deaths so close together friends and family young and older and being in a very rocky. Relationship with being accused of things. Left right and centre. Betrayal from family and abuse from jealous or nasty people so many factors come into it. So if you don’t want to end up depressed makesure you do things that make you happy and don’t change because some people dont like you I did and who I was is no longer and I’m not me anymore.

    • lee says:

      hey Claire

      I get what you mean but that’s the point the guy I am with have been trough a lot his dad died when he was little and so many things happened after that he left school when he was 14 yrs old because he had to work his mom kicked him out at the ages of 14 because the guy she was seeing did not want her children their and he was the youngest and after years he still feels nobody loves him and care for him so he turns to alcohol even thou he has me and his daughter and in the end he blames me for everything and all I am doing is trying to help he. I take it that anyone can be the person they want to be you just have to try everyone goes trough bad things some just have more to cope with then other but its what you do in life to have a happen ending. I just think that the guy I am with doesn’t want to change it feels like he wants people to feel sorry for him I don’t now whey but what can I do. I just need some advices of what I can do because I do now. every time he drinks it like his head is leaving him and his angry and I don’t now what to do I can talk to him every thing I do is wrong.

      • Lil says:

        Until the alcohol leaves the situation pack up and leave esp if kids about. He needs to get help for his alcoholic behaviour and I grew up in a house with a depressed drunken mother, to this day I wish that an adult had got me out of that situation. It was not for me as a child to be part of and it did not help mum, as seeing is being hurt just made her drink more. She said we should have left until she was sorted as it would have helped her to push forward to sobriety more quickly.Do not underestimate the damage to the children in these situations.

  182. lee says:

    hey guys

    I am in n relationship with a guy but that’s not all we share a child and ever since she was born he began drinking a lot and he’s never home. He’s always out with friends and uncle and me and our child must sit at home. He gets home about 22;00 and sometimes 24;00 then he wants to order me around as if I am his slave when I don’t do what he wants he gets angry and swears at me, wants to hit me but he never does and tells me it’s over because he cant go on like this but he never leaves. He doesn’t help me with our child at all, he doesn’t spend time with her and he always wants to hit her if she does something wrong but she just 2 years old. I don’t now what to do because I do love him but I have to think of my baby and myself. what must I do I really need some advice…

    • VG says:

      Lee,
      This does not sound like a good situation for you or your child. Until your guy starts taking responsibility for himself, through counseling and or medication or both i would seriously consider taking some steps away from this relationship for your childs sake. Do you have a support system? Do you have someone else you can stay with for some time?

      • lee says:

        VG,

        well his living with me at my parents house and they are helping me with my little girl and he’s never home so yes . I just don’t now what his gone do if I tell him to leave because he doesn’t have any wear to go if I tell him to move out I feel so stupid cause I don’t want to live like this but I don’t want to put him out on the street cause I still love him and care about him. I don’t now maybe I must get a little more hard on him and set some rules and tell him if he don’t want to live by them he must leave, then he has a chose whether he wants to stay or leave and I don’t need to kick him out. I really don’t now how to get him to change or to get him to take his things and just leave till he knows what he wants in life.

        • pat ty says:

          Do yourself a favor get rid of him..he doesn’t care about you or the baby when he goes out and had a good time..eventually he will hurt you or the baby

        • Lil says:

          Try being less hard on you and your child and kick him out. Your kid is the important thing now, he must leave especially if he is abusive to you and your child. I do not see why you are putting his needs over your childs. Please protect you and your kid and kick him out.

          • lee says:

            i want to kick him out but what if he get angry and something happens or what if he try’s to take my child. he always say’s if i leave him i must know that he is taking his child with him. i am so afraid i don’t know what to do. i am afraid he hurts me or my child. with everything happening i don’t know if i still feel something for him and if i am just to afraid that his gone hurt me or my child if i tel him i want out and he must go i really don’t know. i am thinking of my child and her safety but still don’ t know what to do or maybe i do know but are afraid of whats going happen if i do it . he can be very nasty and that worries me. i feel so stupid, alone and afraid i want to run but it feels like their is no where to run to.

          • STEPHANIE EGGER says:

            Lee,
            Please get a restraining order and a court order for your child asap! Do you feel you cannot do anything. I’m worried about your safety and your child’s with threats like that. Please contact authorities immediately.

  183. Emma says:

    I read this and cried. One year ago I met the love of my life in school, we started off as friends and when we held each other we fitted together so perfectly. He was sensitive, kind, and caring. I have chronic pain disease brought on by a Physical defect and this had already made me depressed by the time I met him but when he met me he was open that he had depression too and so unknowingly we were helping each other through it and we became happier. He told me that he had never felt better in all his life and I felt superhuman with the love and self esteem I had back. 3 month later I met his family and all went down hill. He was great, but his family were, lets just keep it as ‘bad’ people. I prompted us ending for 2 months because I was frightened at what was said and how things came about. During these months my depression returned with a vengeance. To eat and drink, to live in any way seemed pointless to me because my ‘reason for living’ had gone. I became underweight and really ill. He at this point was going crazy too and he walked up near my house late at night to try be near me even though I live in a bad area. He was giving up on his life too. But finally I got back on Facebook and snuck a message to meet him on my results day at school. We celebrated my grades together but we had little than a drink of pop and a house wall to sit on. We were both desperate to see each other as we always were and so from then on for about a month I would sneak out on sundays (because my parents thought he was bad for me and forbidden me to see him) having any other choice what to do because nothing made sense anymore and we’d meet up in the park and that was my little bit of heaven. BUT my parents found out and all Hell broke loose on his and my side, we finally came to the agreement we’d still see each other once a week though. After a further 2 months off this, he got a new job and he is 23 months to my senior. I became worried he’d fit in with an adult crowd and forget about me because by this time my body was in so much pain I could barely leave the house. As my pain grew I felt more and more inadequate when I was stripped of all the things a teen should be able to do and I required more reasurance off him that we were okay. All the time my depression was worsening because my own life outside him meant I had to give up my college education and my future was compromised. I guess I fed off him now looking back. He had his psychiatry team in hospital that he was referred to and only saw them for the introduction months ago. They haven’t reached him on the waiting list yet either. Last week he came to mine and cried on my knee asking me why they aren’t helping him and this broke my heart but also made me furious because for 4 years I was neglected by health proffesionals too but he mattered more to me and i feared what was to come. He started to say ‘maybe you shouldn’t love me, I’ll only hurt you more’ when I was upset he’d use alcohol as a crutch or take reckless behaviour at nighttime. He’s exhibitted all your 11 stages, as have I, I’m apparently nearing another breakdown but seeing him how I was and the fact he isn’t helping himself now or getting help either is more pain than what I’m feeling. 2 days ago was when he started exhibiting signs of the 9th and 10th which is so much deeper than the others to the point where he responds to daily life robotically. ‘don’t ask me if I wanna come round to yours Emma cos I won’t go then, I’m not that bothered if i do or not’ he responded the same way to when I asked if he wanted to end us. And now he’s open about suicidal thoughts he has had and though his newly robotic nature labeled them recently ‘pointless’ I feel even lower and yet scared for him too! Please can someone help me, I don’t know what to do. It’s breaking my heart and I can’t see him become worse because it already feels there is no way back. I look at his face and see how he used to smile, the way his face would crease up but its now emotionless, how when I’d cry he’d hold me, stroke my hair and tell me, ‘I’ll make it okay, Emmie.’ and now he just watches awkwardly. I’m so scared. Mine I can cope with but I just want my man back :'(

  184. Rachel says:

    This is one of the best, straight to the point-nail on the head articles I’ve ever read about depression. I have been Google educating/studying depression myself for over five years. My conservative estimate on hours read on the subject is 400. I have a family (father and brother) history of depression and was diagnosed with borderline clinical depression myself almost 4 years. Learning how to train my mind through cognitive behavior therapy helped tremendously, but learning to call and deal with the symptoms as they came me to start handling them. This article was like a small perfect guide on the symptoms and behavior. All of the lengthy responses prove that others feel the same way. Thank you for producing such an insightful article.

  185. Larry says:

    Hello,

    I have been dealing with a depressed wife for the last 16 years. Things were better before. Although we had our differences we seemed to love each other. She has always held things against me. The smallest thing that she does not agree with becomes a big deal. It seems that she has to have complete control of eveything. She insults me constantly. When she doesn’t agree, she nags me until I give in to her viewpoint even though I may disagree. She blames me for her depression. I do not claim to be perfect, But I refuse to accept that I have been the the major cause of her depression. I have told her that she needs professional help, and she does not think that she needs to go. She told me that I am the one with the problem. However, I am not the one that stays in the house constantly and does not leave for months at a time. She has told me that she feels stuck in the marriage and she can’t deal with me anymore. She will go of into a screaming fit when I try to confront her with her issues. Should I go get assistance on how to help me deal with her depression? I just don’t want to have a medical record saying that I recieved help from a psycoligist when I am not the one with the issue. However if it could help me deal with her acusations and cruel words that she tells me, I might be able to go. She has thretened me with violence several times when I am trying to calm her down. One time when I was on the phone, she told me that she would get out the knife after me. I do all the shopping, I take the kids to the doctor. Whenever there is something that needs to be done outside of the house, I have to take care of it. I have never cheated, Don’t go to bars, spend all my time with my family. My daughter does not get any mother daughter time out of the house. My daughter has told me how sad she feels when my wife is not around. I am at a loss. I feel that nothing I do will help. No matter how much I do or how carefully I walk on eggs, I feel that something will be taken out of context and be taken as an attack from me. She has told me that she hates me. I feel helpless and useless.

    • Lili says:

      Hi Larry,

      Im really sorry to hear your situation, but as the one also on the receiving end of the things i perfectly understand what all this feels like. Its just amazing you delt with it for 16 years!
      Counseling can help you cope better, hearing what the professionals have to say really takes alot of weight off your chest. But your wife, is the one who really needs help. Have she ever talked to her doctor about her problems? From your description she sound like she’s in deep denial.
      Sadly the depressed partner will blame the closest person to them, just like mine. I was blamed for all sorts of things, really tiny superficial things, like i did not share his interest in music/sports..etc And being close to him gave him so much pressure as he feel incapable of returning love back to me and feel horribly guilty for it. He blame this for adding more to his depression. This was all very shocking to hear, as a man who loved me so much, and i quote “just want to make you happy forever”, changed to this emotionally abusive stranger in the short period of a few weeks. And it is not just towards me, even his own mother/immediate family noticed his lack of communication and the loss in interest on catching up. I have close contact with his immediate family, and the only i can do is watch on helplessly and notify his family what has been going on.
      For us SOs, it just sound completely irrational and hard to believe how things rapidly turned out this way. One day it was the perfect loving relationship, and then the next you don’t even recognize this person. But we can’t understand what this all must feel like for them, for the depressive, i guess everything we do is just wrong, everything in their life is wrong and they are trapped with this eternal wrong-ness. The best we can do is protect ourselves as best as we could, although it’s hard as we are on the frontline and will receive the first line of fire. Please do not take what your wife say personally, her depression is not your fault. The worst you can do for yourself is actually believe in her harsh words and believe you are to blame. I know for a long time i did and it destroyed me. For men especially, seeking emotional help can feel hard, but you must understand, sometimes you can’t do everything alone. Having someone understanding your troubles will do your mental health alot good.

      For me, I’m not living together with my partner, anymore, as i feel that we both need space, that way he can feel less pressure and i can feel less of a blame. He have agreed to look for help from his GP first maybe for medications, also took my suggestions into consideration to get into therapy at the same time. So my heart is abit at ease, for now atleast. So maybe, if you find going to see a therapist is hard, consider giving the relationship abit more space. You and her can both feel less agitated.
      But the rock hard truth is that somehow your wife must realize that she need professional help for herself, untill that happens, Larry you must take care of your own health. Mentally and emotionally.
      Keep us updated and all the best.

  186. jay says:

    I’ve been fighting depression during and after my recent first child was born. I am finding it very hard to relate to my partner and i’m reaching out for advice about having a break from him till i can get myself sorted? He is an amazing guy and he doesn’t deserve what i’m putting him through. I can’t fight depression and still stay with my partner-i’m not strong and i will just end up -acting normal- and that’s not healthy. I need to get myself together for my child, he deserves better and i know i’m a good mum just gotta fight these demons first. Please has anyone got any advice or comments

    • Beretta says:

      Jay, if I were you, I would please find a way to stay with your partner, for many reasons. First, being a single parent is tough, believe me, I am one. It’s good to have someone who can be a caregiver when you don’t have it in you. Secondly, if you let your partner go, he may not come back. He will also feel confused and hurt and could even go into a depression of his own. Try to find a way to get the help you need and deserve while sticking it out with this man. Explain to him what you are feeling. Try to seek counseling together. He does have a choice weather he wants to be with you, and if things become too much, he can leave. It’s not up to you to save him. I’m sure he would rather stick with you through these dark times than be kept in the dark.

      My partner left me because of depression about a month ago and I have been devastated. I want so badly to help him conquer his demons but he won’t let me have that chance. Since he left I have fallen back into a depressive episode myself, and luckily caught it in time to take action immediately. It is still tough, I miss him and love him dearly and want nothing more to be there for him.

      Take care and I hope you find peace, whatever you decide.

      • Marikka says:

        I agree. Stay and open up to him he loves you . I gave my depressed partner space and left him for a few days for the children’s sake and it turned into a few months and him getting up to all sorts of stuff that has now made me depressed and in therapy together to cope with the train wreck. The therapist said to me the other day wouldn’t it be nice if he could turn to you u when he’s depressed rather than push you away and seek other things for happiness that aren’t helpful. Get support together I can’t urge you enough. That’s what partners are for to love and support you through the good and the bad. Best of luck u can bear this and you don’t have to do it alone xxx

    • VG says:

      I have to agree with Beretta, although ever piece of you want to fight these demons alone, from suffers that I have spoken with on another forum all agreed that they were lucky to have partners that helped them through is as it is a terrible experience to go through it alone (as the ones without partners said). Now this doesn’t mean you have to act normalish, but try to have an open communication system with your partner (as best you can). Schedule a therapy appt for just you. Maybe after a few sessions, have your partner come in to keep the communication open, If you need down time or alone time let you partner know and let you partner know how they should proceed during these times (leaving you alone, checking on you every so often). Come up with a plan together. In my opinion it will only have strengthened your relationship in the end. Best of luck. Hope to hear updates from you on this board.

  187. Talia111 says:

    One week since my boyfriend left … I am having really difficult time … started taking pills which I never did … We were together for more then 2 years … had great and very sad moments , separated 2 times during this time and now it is a 3rd one … He did leave 2 times , this time I made him to leave . He is the best person I ever met , I can’t say anything bad about him , nothing bad … he treated my kids – as his own , he was loving and just a great in everything … You would ask me , then why? why you let him go ? He is very weak person because of his mental instability … he is taking medication for anxiety , depression and Attention Defisite disorder… he is not able to make decisions quick enough for me … what desicions? Fix his financial situation which his ex wife , he doesn’t have any money to support himself I am not even saying to support me . I am working and doing ok , but I have 2 kids and any help would be a bless. He lived in my house , and didn’t help me … but it’s ok … He is extremely great Dad , and he wants to see his daughter as much as he can , 4 times s week , on Saturday- he takes her for 11 hours . That’s great ! But I miss him … and I don’t mind to have his daughter over my place , but his wife against to let her to be here … and again for almost 9 months he is not able to make her except the fact that he has a new family and we have to deal with it . He is saying that she also has very weak mental health and if he make her upset she won’t be able to take care of their daughter properly … when baby is sick she calls him and tells that she is not able to watch her , so since he can’t bring baby over here , he had to take her to hotel for night .. I understand … but it affects my life and even I am trying to be patient.. I v befn showing him that I am upset , and I don’t like this .. I want to bills my family with him and I can’t live on her schedule .. .He takes that personally , that I am against his daughter … I am not .. never been … We have amazing sex life with him … but last Sunday I find out that he recently cheated on me … I was in shock . I don’t think that it’s the end of the world .. . but I never expected this from him… everything together was too much and on the top of everything – cheating …. I couldn’t handle this anymore … I made him pack his bags his furniture and he left … he is telling me that it was an escape from the stress, that everyone is constantly disappointed on him. His wife , me , at work … and he could deal with that stress anymore … but what he done to me – he said its terrible and he is really sorry , and he needs to be away from me for s while to fix everything there , to fix himself to be a better men for me … he is in motel right know … depressed, lonely , grieving … I am at home – in the same situation … I don’t know what to do … I don’t see myself without him … but I am really questioning … if he has mentall weakness , depression and etc . if he will be able to do what he commuted to do know – fix it … but on his terms .. he said he needs time he can’t push himself harder because he will collapse again …

    • Talia111 says:

      I was trying so hard to make him come back … he is saying he needs to fix his life … he was in motel for a week , run out if money … last 2 nights he was sleeping in car … and tonight his co- worker offer him a couch at his place . Even his wife offer him to stay there , but he promised me that he never will go back there , and he didn’t take an offer. The same time I am begging him to come back – he saying its too fresh , and soon , and he needs tile to fix his mistakes .. . I miss him so much … I want to help him … but I feel more I am asking him to come back – more it makes him upset … and works against me … Should I stop taking about it , and just let him be … but I am so afraid .. how long we can be apart … its like a death …

  188. Chris says:

    I split up from my partner 2 months ago. We were together 4 months and she was love of my life, and she was diagnosed with severe depression and pushed me away. A mere few weeks before I was the love of her life, telling me so throughout the relationship until she suddenly decided I wasn’t and was no longer in love with me. We haven’t spoken in 6 weeks.

    Reading this, she had at least 5 of these symptoms. Fundamentally she always had the depression, I just didn’t see the warning signs and that’s what hurt. She always put herself down and didn’t believe I should be with her, that I could do so much better, no matter how much I reassured her. She suddenly believed I didn’t care, was diagnosed with depression, told me I was happy and didn’t want her and pushed her away, no matter how I tried I convince her otherwise. Her mum tried to keep us together, saying we needed to talk, but she didn’t want to. She’s just decided she doesn’t love me and wants nothing to do with me. It’s broken my heart.

    I have respected her choice, and left her alone. When she was diagnosed she asked for space and I struggled with that because I panicked and feared losing her. She blamed me for that. She blamed me for alot of stuff that didn’t exist in the relationship, and it ruined it. I feel like I could have handled it better and I wish things were different, but I’m becoming more accepting of what happened. She is ill. She needs counselling. But all she is doing is take her medication and believing everything will be alright.

    I’ve struggled with not talking. I’ve struggled with the idea she loved me so much then didn’t. I’ve struggled that I’ve Lost someone I love so much. But I can’t wait, because it will ruin me. I know her history and she’s had a rough time, and I know it impacts her relationships. She may have moved on, if she has then maybe I was the problem. But it doesn’t make sense.

    I’m now conflicted about moving on as I’ve met a girl I like, but feel like this wasn’t how t was supposed to end and me her are supposed to be together. Blind faith, or the continuation of that belief this was the girl for me, I wait everyday for that text from her to reconcile and it never comes.

    Amazing to think so much of this article relates to her.

  189. Eddie says:

    Jaded by depression

    I’ll start with this caveat. I don’t know if my perspective and perception of this illness will sit well with most. This is meant to be therapeutically cathartic as well as simple straight up venting. I am the non-depressed spouse in this travesty, caught up in its parameters of devastation without knowing if and when it may come to an end.

    The realization of what I had been dealt finally has a name. It is depression. My wife of almost 9 years finally found it within here to tell me what was wrong. For that I laud here. She has been battling this illness for many years and I so naïve and ignorant to this fact remained clueless and at worst non-supportive many a times. I just had no idea and for that I beat myself up. When we first dated and began to get serious she revealed to me dealing with depression as a teen and going into early adulthood. I do recall seeing anti-depressants in her possession very early on but it was waived off as all managed and over. My guess is the start of our relationship may have been enough to give her a fresh start and reassured hope that all would be well. As the honeymoon time period came to a close, slowly it began to surface unbeknownst to me. I of course, like many, wrote it off as part of the trials and challenges of marriage, in other words nothing out of the norm. Of note, this is my second marriage so I had a keen sense of what mistakes not to make this go around. I had found my perfect match in all aspect and attributes. Life could not be more perfect because I had absolutely married up. Now back to my tribulation, this new insight caught me by surprise despite seeing her downward spiral. I quickly set on a mission to find out what this hideous and malignant ailment called depression was all about. I spent a great deal of time researching this illness, it’s symptoms, indications, triggers, therapeutic options and all the do’s and don’t about it. I also desperately sought for advice, but after reading many posts and forums about this I as the non-depressed person in the relationship have concluded this harsh and cold reality, I’m f**ked. Before anyone dare judge me understand this. All of you in my shoes have over and over described a doomed very long and painful journey without a chance of it coming back to what it once was. Based on what those like me have posted, I’ve been riding a roller coaster full of episodic blame, verbal abuse, resentment, disappointment, selfishness, lying, regret, guilt, lack of trust and withdrawal to name a few. Everybody seeking help in dealing with a depressed spouse had most if not all variations, degrees and intensities of these. Not only did it take so much away from them but it drains the rest of the family. All of them without hesitation voiced their undying love, care, emotional support and continuous sacrifices. Yet for those that did reach an end point, a level of control, or 180 degree reversal in the depression it seems the toll taken will forever alter the marriage. It has never and will never be back to the way you wish it could be. It will always and forever be a walking on eggshells relationship because despite your efforts and level of success, remission can be fleeting. Just like a cancer in remission it will always be lurking and haunting you in to wondering if and when it will strike again. Sadly for those that had relapses it tends to be exponential with each exacerbation. As in most cases, my beautiful and once very loving wife has relinquished all if not most of her desire, affection, intimacy, and just plan emotion towards me. She tells me she loves me but can’t show it. She tells me it’s not me but pushes me away. She tells me she can’t stand what it’s doing to us or our kid but doesn’t know how to stop it. By now I think those that have walked in my steps can relate. Like all before me I also made the classical pitfall mistakes of trying to fix what isn’t mine to fix, demanding answers to questions that she obviously has no answers to, forcing intimacy and affection when there was none to be given, and expecting communication when all she wants is to be left alone. Being a proud but mainly stubborn male, I of course refused to give into this reality. Instead I just perceived I could control, change and fix it. At last I have finally succumbed to despair and acceptance that regardless of my feelings, convictions and actions it isn’t for me to assuage. My wife and what ever resources she chooses to solicit bears the sole responsibility on mitigating her illness. On the flip side, its not just her dealing with this alone. Myself and my three boys will be victims to her affliction to include any close friends and family. The compilation of all my data and sources leads me to my perceived infallible conclusion that this illness is absolute selfishness at its core. Many will label me persona non grata, cold, non-caring but what choices do us supporters of the depressed have? What say do we have? We don’t. All we can do is sit idly by as the downward spiral progresses into its various stages regardless of the havoc it propagates. I can’t help but sound self-centered. Am I an ass for thinking selfishly about how it will negatively impact me seeing as it is really just supposed to be her problem to fix? I might write and think differently if I could have read more success stories but it seems to be just a black hole that sucks the life, energy, patience, and love out of the non-ill half. Bottom line is that my heart is crushed; it’s just not fair to me or our kids. They don’t deserve to have to experience what they can not and will not understand at such a young age. I hate to sound so cynical but this angers me and I call BS. Life is too short to live in misery. I know I’m being harsh, but it just angers me so. This is such a selfish illness, one that only the person with it can fix but is able to bring all those around them down with them despite everyone’s love and support. An illness that can be used as a cop out to justify hurtful words and actions regardless of control, while we remain hostage and suck it up. Am I just failing to be understanding? Am I willing to not stand idly by and wonder if she’ll get herself out of this dark place? I just don’t know. Why should our innocent children be subjected to this? They did nothing nor did they ask for it. What is the best course of action for all? Is it better to count our losses, go our separate ways and if reversible come back to see what’s left of the relationship and if still salvageable then lucky for us? I’ve been to Iraq twice and now in Afghanistan. I’ve lived in very austere conditions each time with minimal amenities, relying on only what I had and those around me. When everyday you wake up wondering if it will finally be your last you learn to value the little things in life. No, war has not made me cold, hard, bitter, or apathetic. If anything it has enlightened me to cherish my life, my kids, friends and family and not take them for granted. A warm bed, a hot shower, a health body, playing with my kids and spending time with my family are so much more precious to me than material luxuries or making money. It’s from this perspective and understanding that I gauge and place value on things in my life, therefore I refuse to waste time on the “what ifs” and “hopes” that may or may not be. As I said, life is too short. I love my wife so much and the thought of no longer having her as a part of my life just sickens me. This is why I’m torn because I just don’t know if I can bear to stand by and watch her sink into a dark place and just wonder if she’ll ever come back. I will not enable her. I can’t let her do this to me and I won’t let her do it to our boys. I’d rather be alone and happy than together and miserable. My love for her is deep but simultaneously I feel resentment, anger, abandonment, betrayal, and hate for this thing called depression. I’m at a cross road. I’ll be as supportive as I can and will stay here for as long as I can but a day will come when I’ll be forced to decide which path to choose. Quoting Pink’s song “Just give me a reason. Just a little bits enough. Just a second we’re not broken just bent. And we can learn to love again.” Please come back to me if you ever find your way. I Love you!

    • Dendroalsia says:

      I have depression and have many of the feelings listed here. I do feel selfish at times but rarely can I pull myself out. I wish my significant other made an effort to help me but they just can’t or don’t!? I am constantly searching for answers but I am convinced that the only real solution is inside of me. I feel guilty all the time. I just want you ALL to know that there is always hope! Good luck…light.

    • Marikka says:

      Eddie,
      I empathise with what your saying I think it’s normal to feel all those thoughts. I sure as hell have. I’d like to say with the right medication at the right strength the right therapy and an awareness to your own illness I think you can beat this demon. My partner is still trying to recover and it’s tough it’s really scared our relationship and burnt me terribly. He has a massive road ahead and for as long as he’s committed so am I . He did some crazy stuff totally out of character. There’s a reason for it all they just have to dig deep and deal with stuff even things they aren’t aware of yet. I’m hopeful that I will get a new and improved relationship within time. It definetly won’t be the same it should be better ill just have to wait and see but it’s a disease that needs professional intervention Noway can it be done alone or with the love around them it’s a losing battle that way. I hope your wife is seeking all the professional help she can get. Take care. 🙂

    • Janet says:

      Eddie,

      I too understand your feelings. Looking back I see that this has been part of my “life journey” for at least the last 3 years. My husband is dealing with a chronic illness which started the depression. Work stresses over the last year have added to it. He is in counseling now (with the second therapist) and seems to be improving ever so slightly. Recovery is a process… not an event!

      However, I do have a suggestion for you. I’ve recently found a support group through our local NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness). I’m currently attending a class called Family to Family. It’s for anyone who has a family member dealing with any form of mental illness. It has been a life saver for ME! I’ve learned so much in the last 6 weeks. I’ve also received the support that we, as family members of ill people, need. Please consider investigating to see if there is a local chapter of this organization in your area. It won’t be a waste of your time.

      Keep the faith!!

      Janet

    • Sarah Lynton says:

      You. Are right to feel the way you do. You sound like how I feel. He tells me he wants weeks of space. Then he will see work it out.I’m blooding. In agony while he drowns his depression. With grog extra….he acts like communication is only needed when needed. He is 13 years older than me a. I have no sex no cuddles worry he may have cheated on he with a cheap internet Asian.he’s nice. But does nothing with me. Why. Am I that ugly? How long do I give him.to come home and talk. I have two kids he sits staring at the beach. He thinks his bloody guitar is human will not look after him if he’s sick. He doesnt even say goodnight via text. I hope he. Wakes up cause we love him dearlý. Sarah Lynton

    • KW says:

      Your brutal honesty was hard to read. But I could have written much of it myself if I wasn’t so emotionally distraught right now. Anyway, thank you.

  190. sality says:

    My depression normally starts with a worry about money – steming back from childhood – and all I want\need is roughly 1wk under a duvet, no conversation, no responsibility, no noise, and read some books, just a stop to the world until my mind catches up and i come out of my room alive and normal again. Its been the only thing that works for me X ; ps my partner finds this really hard to do, but my daughter is cool because I have always told her how I feel and how it(depression) works. Good luck everyone, find yr space to recover each time x

    • Sarah Lynton says:

      That’s what my partner does possibly about money also. I feel cut off from my partner and hate the blanket thing. Why are you afraid of light. Your partner relies on you in different way from your daughter. She isn’t starting to feel sexual and intimacy problems. She has other support systems, who does he have when real life kicks in and his other half is under a blanket. I feel like so angry abandoned and have no strength left. When my blanket dwelling blome wakes up i may be with someone else who can be bothered. ll

  191. Marikka says:

    I’m not sure where to start. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years 2 of those years he’s suffered depression. I feel like I’ve been to hell and back . On 2 occasions I’ve left the house with the kids because he’s been so difficult to live with. In my absence he’s been on dating sites hit pornography taken sexual enhancement tablets. Told many many lies. It’s like a different person has come about .his behaviour has caused me great pain and confusion as he does things that are completely opposite yet telling me he wants to be with me . How does depression cause someone to behave with no care to there spouse. If someone could explain this to me I’d be grateful I’m devastated and can’t make sense of it.

  192. VG says:

    Oh wow, if 1 or 2 is poison, we have no chance:(. Right now the love of my life, which I don’t know if I will ever speak to or see again, has at least 5 of these going on:(( Its been almost a week of no communication and I am devastated. As with many, I just want to help..even if if meant just checking in to give them him a hug and remind him that he is loved no matter what (I know it probably won’t sink in…). I know he wants solitude, but it is emotionally crippling me as well not even know a thing that’s going on:(( I feel rejected, hurt, ashamed, anger, sorrow, anxiety, and basically sick to my stomach..

    • Sarah Lynton says:

      I couldn’t have put it better. It’s been 16days now I don’t sleep eat and he is just one text would help.forgive them for they know not what they do. Punished for a crime I didn’t do. My kids confused. Is it a heartless game. Sarah just dying as dawn comes again.oh prayfor you all.

  193. Melissa says:

    Glad I found this site. Here’s my situation: I’ve been dating a guy that I have known basically my whole life and we are from the same small town/area. Our families have also been friends since our grandparen