Lately, I’ve come across a number of questions online by plainly anguished people, asking: Why do I have no friends, no life? The first time I saw one this blunt, I reacted almost defensively, laughing as I recalled an old film in which a man hires a private detective to find out why he has no friends. Isn’t it obvious? But I knew so well how much the question implied. Lonely and depressed, I had often asked that same question, or at least felt the need to ask it.
I wrote an earlier post about the difference I experience between loneliness and depression. Loneliness is a sadness at the loss of close relationships. It drives me to reach out to people. Depression pushes me away from them. When I feel these two at the same time – as I can if the depression is not too severe – the tension of these opposing forces makes it all the harder to find the help I need.
Thinking back over many years of living with depression, I can quickly find many reasons why I had such trouble finding a friend to talk to when I most needed one. (I’ll set aside the much worse problem of not talking to my wife. I’ve said a lot about the reasons behind that, especially in this post.) Here are some of the problems from my experience. I can’t say how true they might be for others.
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Sometimes it wasn’t I who had an issue with reaching out but friends who had trouble opening themselves to listen. Many people refuse to talk about depression or other serious illnesses. I first found that out when I had cancer. It was stunning to me that a few people I had known quite well simply disappeared from my life. Though I never heard any explanation from them, my wife and I believed they couldn’t face the risk of emotional involvement and possible loss.
Depression adds another dimension. Many may feel helpless in the face of a friend’s pain and despairing mood. When I reached out for support, some friends were sympathetic but at a loss as to what they could do to help. And, of course, some friends are not in the habit of probing their own emotional lives and run from the idea of listening to someone else trying to go deeply into feelings. That’s a language they haven’t learned and never want to know.
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One habit of my own depressed thinking was to assume that everyone I met had the same negative and contemptuous view of me that I did of myself. I projected my own shame into their minds and then retreated before the dislike I was sure they felt. It’s so strange to imagine that this could have been such a common occurrence, but it was. I stopped myself from reaching out because I “knew” these friends wanted to have nothing to do with me.
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Then there was the isolating drive of depression, the belief that I was in too much pain to face anyone – too lost in despair to move. I believed I could survive only by cutting myself off from everyone, yet that only intensified the feeling of having nowhere to turn. I ruled out the possibility that anyone could break through the wall I’d put up around me. The result was that I went more deeply into despair. Eventually, the crisis passed, but it wasn’t the isolation that had helped me survive. That only increased the likelihood that I might push myself over the edge.
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When feeling more numb than despairing, I could often get out and talk to people, even at social gatherings. But I became very nervous at what I might say. It wasn’t uncommon for me to make an attempt at getting to know someone or to get into a personal issue with a friend. But the words I found myself speaking were not at all what I intended. They had an edge to them, putting a jab into each pleasantry, souring a compliment with a sarcastic tone, or pouring out so much so fast that I sounded impossibly egocentric and uninterested in anyone but myself. I acted like someone I would never want to know. Of course, people could tell at once that I had “issues” and walked the other way.
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So often, I had to mix with people when I wanted only to hide. I made it hard for anyone to find me, no matter how many people might be in the room or how prominent my role was supposed to be. Emotionally, I lost connection with what was happening and just watched it go by. I felt so small and tried to be invisible. If anyone asked me a question, I’d become tongue-tied, or, if I tried to say much, the words and thoughts came with painful slowness. It was impossible for anyone to talk to me.
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At other times, anxiety and fear could hold me back from talking freely. Taking part in conversation was hard because I had to double-think everything I wanted to say. There was a danger in the simple spontaneity of conversation among friends – a danger for me of any uncontrolled talking. I had to reflect to get the words just so, and then would miss the right moment as talk flowed on to something different. It’s hard to imagine now, but talking freely felt risky, as if an inner violence might escape my control.
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Apart from all this, there was the natural reaction anyone might have at suddenly hearing from me when I was in need of someone to talk to. Wrapped up in myself and in depression, as I was, my reaching out was an attempt to meet my own need in a one-sided way. Not only that, but my friends would not find me at all even if they wanted to listen and offer support. I wasn’t the same person because I was driven by the strange, isolating rules of depression. Even if I didn’t want to be hidden, I was nowhere to be found.
All this added up to a comprehensive strategy for remaining friendless. And that’s what it was – a series of my own actions to keep me isolated from the help that friends might offer and pull me out of the life I’d had with them. This hit me one day when I was the one who was asked to listen to a friend in the midst of a terrible depression.
I met him at a restaurant for lunch one day, and I could tell at once that he had changed in a way that made him hard to recognize. Of course, he looked and sounded the same, but there was nothing in his words or reactions that was like my friend. He was lost, partly in rage, partly in despair.
When I tried to tell him the deep sympathy I felt for what he was going through, that only made him angry. More than that, I felt a deep rage boiling inside him as his eyes stared through me with steel intensity.
It was especially hard to see him this way since I knew I was looking at myself.
What has your experience been in trying to reach out to friends when deeply troubled?
Image: Some Rights Reserved by Ashley_Rose at Flickr
I am 42, and don’t think I have ever had a friend. People only use me when it benefits them. I am home alone every day after work. I do not get invites. I do not have a boyfriend. I think my kids are the only people who chose me. My crippling anxiety and depression keep me from being outgoing. I try, but only end up hurt and eventually ignored. I just don’t understand. My youngest will be going to high school this year. Four more years, and he will leave me like his brother. Then…
in the same boat. My daughter will be graduating soon and I am dreading life once she leaves for college. I have no one to talk to – no close friends, have conflict with family members, and a boyfriend who is self absorbed. I spend my non work time exercising or working on projects around my home. I’m torn between wanting to go places alone (anxiety at odds with exploring new things) and staying at home with my pets (known comfort). Usually stay home and get even more depressed. Just a vicious cycle. Have to figure something out soon…
I started a new job this summer – same place, just different position. I think it has only made things worse. I feel even more isolated. My college kid is home for a while, which actually makes me feel like a loser. How could he not be successful at school – I feel like I messed up. I am just tired of being tired and ignored. I am tired of trying and getting shut out.
I know firsthand how isolating depression can be; how it slowly deteriorates your relationship with yourself and the ones you care about. I went through a very dark, lonely period after losing a dear friend to cancer. Still not sure if I’m out of the darkness, but I’m just trying to move forward and connect with people a little more, hard as it may be sometimes.
No one left- talking to me when I’m actually up to taking to people is just an emotional drain. My own mother said she wouldnt be in my life if I were anyone other than her daughter. I left the only person who loved me and treated me like gold, every one thinks Im a fool. I dont care to try anymore, my outside appearance isnt as nice as it use to be, no growing old gracefully for me and i have nothing on the outside. If i could crawl under a rock I would.
It’s all very frustrating. I used to have lots of great friends and they were genuine friends. I got stuck in my own head and convinced myself they no longer wanted to be friends and not even realising I am suffering from depression. I just thought my new career was mentally demanding. Bit by bit my friends dropped from my radar and I thought that was because we moved on with life and began to have a family. We now have 2 kids and both my wife and I are deeply disconnected from the world and as we try and help each other to push through and get back to our happy excited about life selves, it has become this illusive beast that is unobtainable. Feeling we aren’t living where we should be, but no idea where the right place is. Struggling to make new long lasting connections with amazing people… or even where to find them. What it means to be happy. What happiness looks like. The more we search for ways to help, the further we get lost.
We really need a guide. Someone who can give us a clear step by step process to get us up and out of the funk.. But these are not a one size fits all kind of programs. I am an opened minded, conscious being that craves genuine connections that are deeper than the superficial layered relationships and the dialogue that comes with that.
Even re-reading what I have written makes the confusion worse.
How do people have full lives and have greats friends. So many people seem to just have a plan and execute it with superior precision and purpose. Or is that just a front and I percieve that in them and they too are as lost as we are?
Is wanting to achieve great things in life so our children don’t have the same struggles as we do compounding our issues further?
We were both poorly guided by our parents and the similarities between the 2 families is spot on, introverted home bodies that from all appearances seemed content and that was enough out of life. Not driving or inspiring us to be great, only to achieve just enough to get by. Boredom appears to bring more of these things to front. We have achieved great things, but there is always some more we can be achieving. Maybe not celebrating the accomplishments lowers the impression it should be making.
Lastly comes the feeling of failure as parents, even though both our kids are amazing, but some days it doesn’t seem I spend all that much time with them, though that guilt could also be the depression.
Ugh!
That lightened the load a little. Gives me no answers that I can see to get out, but nice to say it in an unfiltered context. There is no one I know that would sit there and let me unload like that unless it was a paid service. I guess that is something you covered in many of your points above around talking and only seeming self interested.
I just want to live an interesting life that makes my kids happy, my wife happy and myself happy. Something that other people might like to ask questions about and share a common interest. My interests over the past 5 years are very niche. Not many people restore vintage bikes, renovate houses, invest in property or the stock market, build quadcopters, go fishing, tinker with technology. When I mention some of things I do, i see the eyes glass over because it is either boring or they just have no idea about what I am talking about. Though this could be fear, anxiety and depression controlling these thoughts as I don’t think where I am in life is good enough and it could always be better.
Thanks for giving me a safe place to write as so many others have. It is important for us to talk about this as mental health is at pandemic proportions and too many are struggling with it.
Cheerz
Az
sounds tO me like ypu got it made!like i would say wot is yer secret! you are only bored bevause you guys have actually achieved what most of the world wants to do! Get yer family around and get some gallons of root beer and ice cream.rent an outdoor movie and celobrate! you are what most of america is tryna get to! rejoice!Thank God and coach others at church or somewhere how to get where you are! God bless and mightily help ya amen
Hi Ripple effect,
I sense that you’re putting yourself under a lot of pressure to be or achieve something extraordinary, and there’s a competitive element to it. I’m not judging you, because I can relate to that. We’re inundated with images from the movies and advertisement about how cool a lot of people are. My advice: stay away from that. Dare to embrace your more vulnerable side. I’ve recently made the experience that my time spent in a group therapy session is much more meaningful than any effort I make to go to some event and appear glamorous and successful, which usually leaves me exhausted. … I mean, keep pursuing your interests by all means – but do it because you want to and not because you think we must all be so special. Also, don’t misunderstand me, competition and wanting a thrill are all good things. But be mindful about why and how you’re guided by that. Hope that helps!
no one really cares until it’s too late…. actions speak louder than words; and most of the time the actions are to ignore me or simply walk away. i’ve been told i’m worthless; i’ve been shown i’m worthless… what is the point anymore? i know what i want; i don’t know how to get it and no one will help me. i’m told to get professional help; but i can’t open up to strangers face to face… and i’m not broken; i’m lost… and i hate and loathe all the happy social interactions i see others have; while i spend another day just sitting alone in silence. fuck it. one day i’ll snap and people will notice me…. everyone will know who i am when i break.
I completely understand what you are going through about being lost and alone, even when there are hundreds of people around.
I wish all of us on this thread could live in the same town…then we would all be friends and we would never feel alone…. a Meetup group for depressed people. 🙂
Hang in there my friend… all i can hope for is that you manage your pain and loneliness enough where you dont hurt yourself or others. Please take care.
Yes, I bet I get it too… a look around doesn’t really give you an impression there are other people who are going through the same stuff you are going through. It feels people with alike situations would give each other a great company ever, full of hope, peace, comfort and happiness. God should help us
i begged God once for relief from the anguish and He helped me…
I’ve been struggling and it seems to just keep getting worse. A while ago i was involved in a fight against two dudes where i ended up getting stabbed. As traumatic as that factor is itself, court and all the lies and character assassination from people not owning up to the truth put my minor depression from before into something more serious. My friends all think its funny to make fun of each other which is funny sometimes but I’m the one person that gets made fun of and told cruel things for others amusement almost everyday sometimes all day. From heart break, the stabbing, lies and rumors and people being just pure cruel to me verbally I have realized i don’t have any true, real friends i can count on. I can’t seem to get out of this depression and therapy hasn’t helped. My “friend” also totaled my car a hand full of months ago so i’ve been stuck at my house basically broke without motivation because nothing seems too be helping. I try to help people and be generous but people take it for granite or use me.
Hello to whoever may be reading this. I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe it just makes me feel like I’m actually communicating with someone. Depression has haunted me my entire life. After overdosing on pills when I was 15 , a psychiatrist told me if I didn’t check int a mental hospital I’d be dead by 35. We’ll, 53 and still here, but it’s been rough. I’ve never had any real friends growing up and to this day I have zero friends. I have no family other than a wife who is very sweet but we have absolutely nothing in conmon. In fact she is very social and extremely close to her family. Her family does not care for me at all and our communication is very limited over the last 20 years. My 18 year old daughter is going off to college soon and it will be just me and my wife. My depression and insecurity is so bad that when her family used to come over ( they don’t anymore because of me) I would disappear for hours at a time until they left. My daughter who has been my life for the last 18 years even made a comment last week that nobody likes me. Truth is, she has no idea. I never want to burden her with my insecurities and have always tried to be the big sting dad on the outside. I know however that the older she gets the she’ll notice the struggles I’ve had to get through each day. I’ve turned to God and Jesus, self hep books and blogs like this. Can’t say I’ve never been suicdle because I have. The main reason I probably haven’t is fear and the fact that my daughter would have to live her life knowing her dad outed himself. I just couldn’t do that to her. She has a good social life with friends and lots of goals planned out. I don’t want to delay that because of my sickness. My wife I think is clueless about me and has no idea what’s going on when I just shut her out. She chalks it up to one of my moods. I’m exhausted! 53, I have a mountain of debt and feel like the walls are closing in. I see homeless people all day long and think one day I’m just going to park my car , not go in to work and start walking down the street and never coming back. I break down when it’s just to much to take. A grown man breaking down. I beg God to fix me because I’m broken. My daughter and her friends think I’m mean, but that’s because I just don’t know how to communicate. Even if I wanted to try therapy I can’t because I’m so broke and saddled with debt. To some degree this feels therapeutic because I feel like I’m communicating with someone. There’s always hope. Right?
Yes there’s hope. I relate I withdraw from people all the time. My wife is the social one not me. I turn 40 this week and I thought all of the feelings of loneliness and never having any friends would go away but reading your story I see they don’t. It sounds like you you raised a good kid, and you still have a wife congrats…it not all horrible…right? Keep fighting. The answers are out there I’m sure of it
Alex, I have some similarities with you. I’m an introvert I lack social skills I tend to avoid public settings with lots of people. Recently I realized that all of this stemmed from a long term abusive marriage where my wife would be verbally abusive to the point of breaking me down but then she will say something small positive to keep her in my good graces but all the while separating me from the rest of the world. Influence is a powerful thing. I’m not even officially divorced yet and I can tell you just from having told her I’m done being treated this way I feel a sense of freedom and liberation I feel that there can be a purpose and happiness to my life. My therapist has also helped me more than I probably know yet, find one you can talk to and let you walk away from with a sense of renewed Worth! Best of luck to you
I hear you Alex, you are communicating with someone
I could replace my name with yours. Everything is the same age and all. My 18 yr old left for summer classes last week and now i really dont know how to cope. Id love to go out to a concert or just out for a night but i have nobody to go with. Im literally stuck in the house. My husband works in the evening so i dont even have him to talk to. Ive been crying all week and cant see anything for me in the future. Wont do anything to end my life cause shell be known as the kid whose mother killed herself. Cant do that to her. I need help but not sure where to turn.
I feel the same way
I got 27k followers on IG so many like but I’m truly alone it’s just a whole big cover up as to how I really feel
No family no real friends the first guy o ever had since junior high
We broke up use to hurt me now I’m with someone else he does the same so I gave up and allow it
It’s had to be my fault if everyone guy that’s been around me feels like doing me like that
But I won’t be killing myself don’t have the strength or the backbone to do so
Even for that I’m shit
Im a female going through what you say. Struggled my whole life but kept it together for my children. I felt the overwhelming void when my children became teens and i was no longer needed and just the odd awkward parent. I have no desire to go to counseling or try anymore. One thing to be thankful for is you mention your wife is sweet. My ex husband was sweet, giving, and loving and I pushed and pushed him away. When actuality was that my depression wouldnt allow me to be happy. Now after all my mistakes and the fact i became ugly at 40 has caused me severe anxiety. I sometimes thinks I deserved to become ugly. When you have chronic depression since childhood I sometimes think you grasp and grasp for happy and what others have and never appreciate what you actually have already.
I’ve lived a life of mental trauma. Depression, loneliness and all that. As a child I was always alone, could never make friends and eventually my school life was mostly isolation and ridicule. I have been verbally and physically abused by teachers, students etc… My own family treated me like garbage up till this point The only reason my family doesn’t really do this anymore is because I really don’t HAVE family. Last year my abusive grandmother passed away, since then the little family left has each gone their own way. I have my mother and brother sure but my mother has too many issues that I don’t like her around much, and my brother is far too busy. I really don’t have friends either, with the exception of 2 people I almost don’t even want to all friends really. They are a married couple, and while one is blind the other is alot like my grandma so I hesitate being around her. On top of all of that neither call me or message me (you would think the guy who is blind would message. And yes he knows how to text and all that), but if I want to talk I have to be the one to call them and I hate it. Especially because my depression is so heavy and debilitating I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere, with the exception that if I had a girlfriend I’d be more inclined to do things (when I was with my ex I was 1000x better and I wish I could have that again). I don’t work due to my horrible mental issues, ADHD and my depression mixed with severe anxiety make doing anything a nasty uphill battle.
What makes things even worse is that the area I live in has absolutely nothing to do, all shopping malls and eateries. I don’t even like going out unless I absolutely have to and even then I don’t want to because I hate being alone. I can’t do a whole lot with my brother because he’s always busy with his job and his own personal responsbilities. I just sit here wondering if anything will change, of course I know they won’t and I will probably spend the rest of my life like this makes it even worse. These days I just count the days till I die and hope that it’s quick and soon. I’m not suicidal by any means I just hate sitting here. You know the funny thing is, if I wasn’t so sad and lonely and could stomach being alone and accept it I wouldn’t have a problem. The fact I want to cry right now because I’m sitting here alone and have no one to share any small personal victories with or just be my quirky weird self and have someone laugh… I swear to God if my ex hadn’t treated me like garbage I would have settled for her because she was alot like me and I was content with everything. But NOPE she had to abuse my kindness (nice guys finish last it would seem…) and ruin it for BOTh of us.
I mean I sit here and read some of these stories from these women and it’s like I would go out of my way to date them, be with them and do everything I could to make them comfortable or at the very least content. Why can’t there be anyone like that in my area? This is so excrutiating I just dont know what to do anymore… I want to cry so bad right now but I don’t have the energy or the drive to even do that *sigh*.
My remedy is get out thwre and VOlUNTEER!You dont know it now but somwbody out there needs you. Volunteering in an emergency room is very good or a food bank is VERY good. go in the back of a Catholic Church one sunday am and get the paper bulketin for that Sunday.they always have pantries and stuff where you can volunteer.its fun and you meet people andyou forget yerself and all of a sudden you r laughing and giving somebody else a hand.been there done that and getting ready to do it again.It ALWAYS Works!Good luck my friend i’ll be rooting for you!
While I understand that may work, for me that poses a number of huge issues that I can’t resolve.
1. I don’t like volunteering because I do not get paid. I know this sounds extremely selfish but in all fairness and honesty I need money right now.
2. I have a ridiculous time getting myself out of bed. Lets face reality I have no push or drive to do simple things anymore and at this point in my life I really don’t even care to be perfectly honest. I have given up trying to “better” myself.
3. My extreme intolerance. I have ADHD, and anxiety. Those 2 coupled together are THE single most hardest thing anyone could ever possibly deal with. When you can’t sit still AT ALL and every little thing hurts, annoys, irritates you what do you do? The most at ease I feel is sadly and ironically when I’m sitting in front of my computer playing my video games, or watching anime. But even then I can’t sit still. I am jiggling my legs all the time I’m sitting here. But it’s way worse when I don’t have my mind focused like I do when gaming. So for example this last 4th of July I went out with my brother simply to eat at a local festival. I was irritated the whole time. Not only was I sad and depressed I didn’t have a girlfriend, but everything irritated me to no end. I felt every bug, or what I think were bugs at this point I don’t even know anymore, bump and bite me. I had to stay in constant motion or go out of my mind. But it wasn’t fun at all. It was a horrible chore. We ended up getting giant bbq turkey legs, it wasn’t fun. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I was anticipating at all because of how many bones and whatever they were. Every bite I was puttling long thin bones out. We didn’t have enough napkins so I ended up getting sticky and I hated it. We almost couldn’t find water to wash our hands and faces because the portable water units they had were out. LUCKILY they had hoses hooked up to I guess fire hydrants or something so we managed to clean up. At this point I asked if we should head home it was late anyway so we left. Thats just 1 of hundreds of instances what happens to me when I remove myself out of my element.
I tried volunteering years ago and the same exact thing happened. I was a paper deliverer, or some such, in a hospital and after 2 weeks I left and never volunteered again. Unless I take medication for my ADHD and god knows how many other medications I can’t deal with this intolerance issue of mine. So thats about a huge portion of my issues right there. I honestly don’t know how or if I’ll ever manage to deal with this issue but unless I get it under control I don’t know if I can work or enjoy things outside of sitting in front of my computer. I do know though that if I did have someone I would be way more inclined to go out and do things but it still would be hard on me because of this ADHD/anxiety/super sensitivity issue I have to live with.
i bet there is an adhd club and i bet theyre online.i bet you could have fun with other guys who have that.i think theyre mostly geniuses.you could also try to find like a local chapter of mensa and see if they have info and or meetings.You know how much fun seagulls have when they are all tpgether!You just need to rsearch on tbat computer and start yer own flock!brst of luck and you will do it!
I have already given up on life to be honest. I really don’t care that much anymore what becomes of me. I’ve always been miserable I will always be miserable.
I don’t want to be around people. I only want 2 people in my life my brother and a girlfriend/wife. I don’t care about males, I don’t care about groups of people, I do NOT like being out and in large groups of people, nor am I comfortable with small groups of people. I am done. I thank you for the advice but I’m not going to bother anymore.
my ĺast thought. git you a gal with adhd an zone in front of the tv each with yer own games and please i pray live happy ever after!God bless!
Well I want one TRUST me. I cannot find anyone.
Aww you seem to be such a sweet and kind person, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate somwhat. I have anxiety related to ocd and my family don’t understand and they blame me for being this way. I have always been alone too. I can’t keep a friend because I find it exhausting and I just seem to be lost in my own hell. I too crave for that one person who I could trust and allow into my bubble.
I hope you are doing better these days. If you ever want to talk or exchange messeges, let me know 🙂
sadly It’s getting far worse for me. I have just given up on everything at this point. I want to stop existing but I can’t. How do we exchange messages anyway?
Thank you all who have shared your stories. After reading this article and comments, I can finally articulate what my depression is like. I am a 46 year old gay male. I have very few friends because my self esteem is in the toilet and I have so much pain and despair that it makes me silent. The pain and the despair does not allow me to communicate with others socially as I would like to for fear of rejection and embarrassment. I cannot make small talk and I never have anything to talk about with anyone that I think they would find interesting.
I have been depressed for over 25 years. The depression is part of who I am, and is part of my soul and it is part of my skin. I was a sexually abused child and a bullied and ridiculed teenager. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was fairly absent. I tried to commit suicide twice in my twenties — and was unsuccessful. I have been to therapists and been on various depression medications — and nothing helps. I wake up every day wishing I was dead — but I would never try to commit suicide again. I feel that even through the pain and despair, the light of the life wins out.
I have become extremely good about masking my pain and my despair — it is like I wear a mask when I am out in public. Even with my depression, I am fairly successful and I can communicate at my job fairly well. However it does become difficult with someone who I find attractive.
To keep from going completely mad, I force myself to go out into social situations even though I am socially awkward. For the most part I think I like to punish myself. Sitting home alone in a room is too easy, I guess. I go out a lot with the one “friend” I have. He is very popular and he has a lot of friends. He says they are my friends as well. They really aren’t because no one knows me. I mostly keep to myself because I cannot talk to anyone. I end up getting nervous and tongue tied and start sounding like am a retard. The only problem is what I really end up doing is drinking. When I drink, the barriers I have built around myself start crumbling and the emotions come out. It is a pretty sad sight to see. But no one notices — because I am invisible to most people around me. So I could basically die right where I am standing and no one would ever notice. I sometimes like it that way. Otherwise I would have to try to talk to people and then I would need to deal with the pain and the despair. It is so much easier for me to have it buried and hidden and stay silent. I would have made a perfect monk.
When I drink, I sometimes act out — blaming others for my pain. Other times I become very sarcastic and cynical. My friend doesn’t like it when I say I have no friends — especially in front of a group of people, who he says, are my friends. So most times I just keep to myself and pray that I can get through the evening. I like to count how many people walk past me without noticing me. I once reached 150 and I thought that was a pretty good record.
The only thing I have ever wanted in life is to have someone who loves me. I try really hard to bury my pain and despair and be a normal person. I cannot accept that I am damaged goods and therefore unlovable.
Because of this, I am a very jaded and cynical person. I cannot be happy for others when I see them happy with friends or lovers because I know I don’t have that and it makes me jealous and angry – -and therefore more depressed.
As I get older, it gets worse. I hope I can make it through the next 30 or 40 years .
Hi. Having read your post I can totally understand your feelings. On the most part, they mirror mine. I am a 37 year old gay male and find it so hard to make friends and feel any self worth for myself. I have been close to relationships but my neediness and anxiety always ends up pushing guys away. The worst thing is that I feel like I’m staring into the abyss and cannot see it changing. I know I need to get out and join some clubs, go to the gym and try and raise my self esteem but it’s so hard when you feel like this. I have just been prescribed antidepressants but feel they won’t help as the loneliness I feel will still be the empty pit of darkness in my heart. Hopefully things will change…
Hello my friend. I am sorry you are going through similar things. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. If you need someone to talk to or vent to who understands feel free to reach out to me privately.
I see myself when you say you “cannot be happy for others when I see them happy with friends or lovers”. I also only have that one “friend”, yet I never had the courage to tell them about my loneliness and depression. I care about him a lot, would like to offer any help I’m capable of, but couldn’t stop my jealousy at the fact that I’m just one of his hundreds of acquiantances.
Its very hard to express this to people, without them believing you are jaded or cynical. My best friend doesnt understand what depression means..its hard for some people to comprehend and understand.
However, you owe it to yourself to try. If your friend is observant, he may already know or he may understand. At least give it a shot.
I feel just at a lost and so lonely all the time, I was in a 5 year long relationship that was very toxic and went down hill so I ended the relationship. Even though it was toxic she was all I knew. Throughout the relationship all my friends cut me off or just fell out of touch, I don’t get it I’m such a nice person, I treat everyone with respect but I remain only with one friend who I share nothing in common with anymore. My own sister won’t even hang out with me u less there is money involved or a free meal I’m just at a loss these days and the only thing keeping me a float is my sons otherwise I don’t know
My life’s very similar. I’m now in my early 30s but all my life was never happy or well adjusted. Had a troubled childhood and just couldn’t move on. I lost many friends and family over the years. Jumped from job to job and college to college never finishing my degree and considering myself an intelligent underachiever. Finally found a job I feel is a good match for me but I don’t trust myself to try school again as I feel I’ll only quit after a while. A life coach advised me to move out of state to somewhere I’d enjoy living with beautiful scenery. I wanted to move but couldn’t go through with it as I worried that I knew no one in the new state, had no job there, and no place set up to live. Still in my city/state of origin but determined to build my spirits up and have a decent life. I wish everyone good luck and better days.
Wow! I feel for everyone after reading each individual’s experiences. While I feel for all of you, as “they” say, finding out that I’m not the only one in the boat experiencing such deep sadness, depression, and loneliness. I am coming out of an 11 year abusive relationship…8 years living together and 3 years married. The abuse was slow, deliberate, calculated, and cruel. The abusive was multi faceted and escalated with time. I left for the 4th and final time. (This is in addition to the multiple times I was kicked out for short periods of time. Looking back, I have been somewhat able to see what happened. It started with making sure I was stripped of my friends, my money. Then, over time I was abused emotionally, mentally, verbally and spiritually. And finally, physically. Twelve years ago, I would never imagine that I would tolerate this from anyone. In addition to the hopelessness, loneliness, depression, anxiety and the feeling of being “frozen,” unable to make a plan and follow thru, unable to get back into living life. What I don’t understand is, why, after 3 months since splitting up, am I not bouncing back? I’m not getting why I am not moving forward with a smile on my face, looking forward to another chance at being happy and content? After all, isn’t this what I needed? And I am no longer walking on eggshells, waiting to see who is on board that day…Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde? In closing, I should mention that while spending countless hours trying to figure who and what I was living with, it was when I came across “passive-agressive personality disorder with narcisstic tendancies” that I knew exactly the type of person I have been living with. It is a 100% match! In general, the advice of experts and other victims was, “Run away, don’t walk away from this relationship.” Thanks for letting me share. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I just read your story and it was like reading mine. Wow
Dear god! You’ve just written a current passage from my own life. Every detail! The difference is I have three children with this monster. I’ve been scared to leave the marriage because I worry about what it will do to the children. And honestly I have no self esteem or self worth now. I wonder if I divorce if I will crumble. I wonder if I’ll ever have another friend and if I’ll live a lonely meaningless life. But your experience from them stripping you of friends money self respect hits home hard. I really felt I could have wrote this.
Dave,
Marci here. I’m in no way in a place to give advice to anyone’s personal situation. I can speak from my own experience. Therapy…and specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is definitely helping me. I have learned that I am a codependent. This is a person that wants to help others, will give the shirt off their back, a person that can easily lose their independence, self esteem, the activities they once found not in, their friends and so on ALL the while taking on their spouses…as in my case….LIFE, THEIR FRIENDS, THEIR HOBBIES, etc. I refuse to be a victim ever again. With regard to your children…and I have 2 daughters from my first marriage…I had to finally get help and come to the realization that my children want their parents to be happy and vice versa. It is a tough decision, but my experience has been that in the end, everyone is better off and our children are stronger today than I ever thought possible. In addition, I found out my ex and I were not pulling the wool over their eyes. They knew!! Take good care.
Hi Marci, thank you for your words. I feel I am most certainly also a codependent person. In my marriage of 13 years I completely lost all of my own friends most of my own hobbies and certainly who I am. I met with a counselor yesterday for the first time on my own ever. In short he told me that both of us are to blame for this failure. My wife very well may be a narcissistic person with personality disorder however I greatly fed and to this without realizing. I bent to her will and gave in even when I disagreed every time. Now that I’m no longer doing that it is nothing more than a power struggle for her. I left the counselors office yesterday without a shred of doubt in my mind that I must divorce if I ever want to be happy again in this life. However today as I came home from work she was in a different mood, had cleaned the house. Things that she had been neglecting for a long time. For some reason this puts doubt in my mind as to my decision and I instantly go back to remembering the good times if you will and wondering if I making the wrong decision. But this is a perpetual cycle for me it is happened to many times. I made an appointment with the divorce attorney for next week hopefully I will be able to stick through it. Part of me thinks she has no idea what she’s doing and that she’s trying. The other part of me believes that she is manipulative and very crafty with how she bends me to her will.
This is a reply to an old post but still I have to do it. This is classic manic/bipolar mixed with narcissistic behavior. I spent 14 years in that cycle. It’s as if they feel you taking back your energy the moment you make the decision to seek outside help or leaving. In the end, in my personal story, my mate was cheating through the relationship which included my one and only friend and neighbor. He also admitted to staying in the relationship because of his fear of being alone. He tried to kill himself three times in 2008 which made me feel like a prisoner to his own depression and continued death threats, which was how he kept me in the relationship so damn long. That alone is enough to really screw a person up but he also waited until I was completely and utterly dependent on him to survive before he decided to stop hiding his indiscretions. He admitted that he consciously chose that as well. Not the destitution but the evidence of his cheating. He always was a weak person by nature. Externally he was the image of physical strength which I believe was his own personal shield. Internally, he had no balls basically, and I had balls in abundance (figuratively speaking)! He liked having a strong person to take care of everything. He liked that until the last couple years, I had always been financially independent but when I wasn’t anymore, around year 11, he really went off the deep end. You also don’t really realize how they slowly and deliberately begin isolating you. Making you think it’s just a natural process of life and age and being in a relationship. Then one day you wake up and there is no one. He was quite the isolation ninja. I have known other narcs that do not cover up there isolation techniques but use gaslighting to do it.He did A LOT of that as well only it wasn’t in his isolation agenda but rather his bend to my will agenda. SMH
Anyway, I have novels worth of stories and a lifetime of crap I could bitch about but it doesn’t matter. What matters is I stayed too long and he destroyed the life I worked so hard to help build leaving me in a house with him and his new replacement chick for almost two years before I left for an even uglier place, but that too is a long story I won’t share here. That was in 2012. Tomorrow I turn 51 and I have been alone on every holiday since. That is how I got here today.
My loneliness has finally hit me at soul level. I am an introvert so I enjoy my aloofness most of the time but living for nothing more than survival holds no value. I am weird. I am most likely HF Autistic like my son (who I haven’t seen in 4 years). I think with wisdom and logic and people just can’t deal with it or me. They want the illusions of the current world. They claim to want valuable and deep relations but they have no true concept of them. They literally are repelled by strength and weakness both being represented in me. I am damned for one or the other. Period.
Again, I get off track. I am sorry for that. My point? GTFON. Get the f#ck out now. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN CHANGE THEM. They are doing exactly as they please and you are a tool for them to survive their own weaknesses. When they find a replacement, and they will, you will just fade into oblivion to them. You however, will be stuck in a nightmare world (inescapable alternate universe) feeling untethered, destitute, untrusting, hell I have PTSD from my experience. If you are like me with zero family to lean on financially or emotionally, you too will be clawing to survive on every level and I am a witness to how impossible it is to climb back up. I am still without a means except state aids, no friends, no family, no future. I breathe… and I fight and breathe again, but I was ready to go ages ago.
When you were born to survive though, the finality of death is your kryptonite. Subconsciously, I am at war with a soul level will to live and a mental state of wanting to die. It’s crap. It sucks. I’m and INFJ Empath to boot so I basically am at war internally and externally. A walking contradiction if you will. DO NOT BECOME ME. I beg you. If you are still in the relationship PLEASE consider my words.
And on that note… if anyone is in the LA Orange County areas of California and might want to chat send me a reply or something. Now I am going to try to prepare for my Friday the 13th 51st birthday by finding some Kdramas, Japanese horror movies and the such to occupy my A.D.D. brain and depression for the next 48 hours or so… PEACE MY TRIBE
At a young age, it was all about what i wanted,and everything my mother provided. I didn’t know it was that hard for her since she is a single mother. I was 13 when she lost her job yet she struggled to put me to school and that was when it started. Depression. Schizoid Personality Disorder. Chronic insomnia.
My elder sister just got out of an abusive marriage with three children all who, are now living with my mum in thee suburb.
its 2017 and I am 22 years old, worked my way to university in China leaving them in Ghana and i just can not take it anymore. I wanted to get a job and make things better for them back home but its like my feet are sinking on a desert full of dreams and hopes. Reading a course i do not love and just trying to survive the day. I go days without eating and my nights to sleep with tears.
The funny thing is, its not me i am worried about, June 8 will be my mother’s 54th birthday and our story hasn’t changed. I hear the pain in her voice when we talk, i fell her guilt of putting a young girl who is supposed to be getting drunk at school parties and having a relationship in and that is what is killing me. I barely have any friends, i spend more times looking for articles to read than i do want to talk. It is as though i live in my head.
When i break down in tears i imagine my mother crying too and how incapacitated i feel, i am just tired. I want to disappear but i think of mother and what it will do to her, i am tired
I’m the reverse being a 62 year old who wants to disappear but fear how it would make my 20 year old and her older sister feel. I’m tired of struggling to survive and hiding how much I struggle for fear of making them feel guilty. Whoever said money doesn’t make you happy was so very wrong. I hope things get better for you, you’re young, take care of you. We want our children to be be happy, and that helps us too.
Keep on keeping strong, Dont give up on your children as i wouldnt give up on my mum. It gets hard, i know. I know.
I used to have a great life I wish it was this time last year things were going so well for me I slept 8 hours a day I have respect of my co-workers and my family now I can’t get things done I lay in bed all day and wish that I was out there doing something I can’t even get my grass cut what a miserable way to live when I ran into this ooldgirlfriend of mine she started putting something in my drink and I didn’t know it and that’s why I am the way I am today sorry I ever answered her letter
This is me, no friends and no life. And almost no family. My life has gotten more depressing and isolating throughout the years. I’m very unmotivated – I couldn’t get myself to even walk around the block. If my son is sleeping; I won’t leave the house. I feel almost totally mentally miserable. I can’t get myself involved with anything. To add to my misery I found out the man, I thought was a good family man whom I gave my 3 out of 4 cats to (1 cat full pregnant); well, I found out he’s a psychopath and he tortures and murders cats for his hobby and has been doing this for many years. And he got off scott free – the police and the animal control in the little country town of New Albany, IN did nothing or next to nothing.
I felt so alone before reading all the messages here. You are all describing my life. I was an abandoned lonely little girl being raised by two exhausted grandparents who made me feel like a burden. School was hell – 12 years of being bullied and ridiculed. I escaped into my own head, creating an elaborate fantasy life so I could escape being me. I am in my late 40’s now, and I am still escaping so it makes getting friends even harder. I am constantly fantasizing about being the character in a TV show, who is beautiful and exciting and loved. All the things I’m not. In the meantime I work a low-wage job, I don’t socialize (25+ years since I’ve had a date) and I’ve just let everything go. My body, my finances, my education – everything is a mess. I look at my life and see this sad, pathetic train wreck, and I’m so angry at myself and everyone else. My depression has become this bitter, angry, sarcastic thing that wells up inside me. I’m afraid one day I’ll hurt someone or hurt myself. I don’t want to. I just want to be a normal human being.
Depression is part of the fabric of who I am. I’ve experienced it for so long, starting in my early childhood, that I never learned how to make – or be – a friend. For so many years I felt strangled by my own sense of inadequacy and shame. I could barely make eye contact, much less a conversation. Now I am in my 50’s, and while I have learned to speak to people, even engage with them, the deep friendships that so many other people enjoy still allude me. From the outside I look polished, professional and in control. On the inside I am a yawning chasm of emptiness, and so lonely I ache. Nobody knows me, the real me, the little girl who just needs a hug me. And I’m afraid I’ll never be known. I reach out, I ask people to go places and do things, I try to take an interest in others and be interesting myself, but there is never a connection there. Nobody calls me to make plans, I’m always the one who has to initiate. It’s like some part of me was so damaged in my early years that it can never be put back together. I find myself wondering if its worth it to keep living like this.
Barbara,
You could be me. I turned 51 yesterday, and this has caused me to reflect on my life, perhaps too much. But this sentence made my eyes tear up: “From the outside I look polished, professional and in control. On the inside I am a yawning chasm of emptiness, and so lonely I ache.”
I’m not sure if you’ll feel any better realizing that others are in the same boat, but I’m right there sitting next to you.
Barbara. Thank you for your story. Your story sounds similar to mine except I don’t reach out to anyone. I can’t for fear of rejection…my pain despair and embarrassment would be too much to bear if rejected.
All I can say is keep trying…if you keep trying there is still a chance of success.
Hang in there and best wishes from someone who understands your pain.
Barbara,
I am a 59yr old female and so much of what you’ve said here I could have written. One difference is that I was very social and had friends when I was young and in college. That’s why this life I have now is so difficult. I never married, have no children, and have very little family left, all of whom don’t live anywhere near. I have a job that I love and I have what I call work acquaintances that I get along with very well. BUT, they all have their own friends and family. If I initiate a happy hour or something I might get a couple people to go, but I never get invited to anything in return. One friend I talk to a lot at work, I realized if I don’t go into her office to talk she doesn’t say anything to me all day! So then I feel like I’m forcing her to talk to me. So many times I just wish I had someone to call. My phone never rings. I know people say, “you’re never going to meet people sitting at home” which I know is true, but I don’t enjoy going places by myself. Going to the art fair or to a play or even out to eat just isn’t enjoyable for me by myself. It just makes me more sad. I’ve never struggled with depression and don’t feel that I’m “clinically” depressed now, just sad that I don’t have any friends! One thing I know is that it’s tough being a single person in a world that seems made for couples! I also feel certain that people I know at work would be surprised to know how alone I feel……I think I come across as social, confident,etc.
Hi Barbara,
I hear you! I turned 50 last year and moved to another country. It’s hard to make friends, and none of the friends I had before are keeping in touch. It’s always me who has to initiate. I have a bunch of “friends” who think “catching up” on the phone every four months is what friendship is about, when I call them. Several days ago I resolved to stop calling them friends, in my mind, and to just let them go. I owned up to the fact that I am alone. I’m saying it out loud. I am alone. And actually I feel much better this way, although it stings. So, what now? It’s inspiring, or alleviating, to read that I’m not that alone, that there are other people out there feeling alone. … To you, personally, I would also like to say that you have depth, and that you can write. I like the “yawning spasm of emptiness”. Keep exploring and expressing yourself! All the best.
I thought I was the only one dealing with lonliness and depression as everyone around me is happy. I am so lonely. I hate my life. I am 20.
Same here.my ex cheated on me with a few people and.i split up with her,she was my first love and that was 3 years ago.im so messed up in my head because i just dont no what i done wrong,i didnt cheat or treat her horrible at all and she just completely took all my covidense away i cant even look at someone in the face or make a conversation with them i feel like no wants the talk to me of befriend me,i only have two close friends and they dont visit me.as for getting a new relationship i just cant talk to a women because my ex has made think i not worth shit and i just.dont think i can take another heartbreaking moment like that again.i dont go out because i think everyones talking about me.i feel alien and ugly and like im not suppost to even be here its got to a point where iv looked into countrys where it legal to die because.i just feel like there nothink for me no future no family kids nothink,that is what my ex made me feel like and as a male i thought i was the only person this was happening to.
I am a 20 year old female. I think that i have friends that dont care about me though i think that some of them used me and just hang out with their other friends and they all have their own circle of friends and i am just me being completely left out and awkward. I felt like i have no one to confide in. I never had a boyfriend since birth and it makes me think that no one really wants someone like me whether it is to become their friends or someone more than that. My highschool friends have their own circle of friends and i am not and it makes me think that there have to be something wrong with me. I felt that i am not wanted in any groups of friends amd that thought make me feel like a loser, depressed. I wonder if i could survive in university being like this. I really want to have some friends, is that really is a big thing to ask for?
My regrets are born upon me like the turning of the day unceasing unrelenting a constant restraint to joy and peace and as such envelope me within their stark embrace.
No amount of supplication or reflection will remove their voice from within my mind.
The efficacy with which they engage their craft is as admirable as it chilling…
Their intentions never to be deterred only the sweet invitation of sleep and the pharmacists trade can supplant their affliction from my soul.
Hi…I am Laura a 54 year young female. I just lost my mother of whom I Cared for 10 devoted years. I have been lonely and depressed for many years and don’t no how to sever the feeling. I moved to a new state 11 years ago and I devoted my time to her. I still miss and cry for her daily. I was unable to have children and don’t have family or friends other than my brother which I care for. Help…I am lost and ask myself what am I here for? I feel I am fairly intelligent and I am complimented on often. However, I feel my personal situation doesn’t allow me to offer anyone myself. I am afraid and leery of everyone…meaning trust. I am very bubbly and kind socially to the outside world because it is a temporary interaction. I feel so sad and lonely. I talk to my cat as though he is human. I don’t go out to clubs or social events because I am alone and don’t no how to converse when entering a well as safety. I have a tendency to intimidate people. I was told due to a person being rejected and no one likes that feeling. So I sit alone. If anyone has any suggestions…please email. I put it in Gods hands and ask please please don’t let me die alone! Signed…destined.
“Whatever the cause of loneliness, for the Christian the cure is always the same—the comforting fellowship of Christ. That loving relationship with our Master has reassured and encouraged countless thousands who languished in prisons and even went to their deaths for His sake. He is the friend who “sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24), who lays down His life for His friends (John 15:13-15), and who has promised never to leave us or forsake us but to be with us until the end of the age (Matthew 28:20). We can take comfort in the words of the old hymn that says it best: “Friends may fail me, foes assail me, He is with me to the end. Hallelujah, what a Savior!”
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
Laura, I can definitely sympathize with you. I also took care of my elderly parents until they passed away. My mom died 5 years ago, she was my best – and only – friend for many years, and I still miss her. More than that, I miss the structure and sense of purpose that came with caring for her. I don’t have the answers, as I’m also struggling with being unable to make friends, but please know that somebody understands what you’re going through and cares.
Hi, I am a 45 year old female who wants to just die. I had a boyfriend, alot of new friends, and a small family. I have no other relatives that I am really close with. I.have never been married and no children. And everyone says I am pretty, smart and fun to be around but yet I am alone most of the time. Last year I lost my job and then my relationship fell apart. To this day i try and save my relationship but I guess alot of my insecurities ruined it. I feel I have no reason to go on. I
actually just got a new job and start in a few days but don’t feel like it will make a difference. I am so in love with this man and always thought we would build a life together and have a family. Has been 4 years. I just want to give up. I am in
therapy but still feel what is the point. If it is just me most of the time what is the point. I force myself to socialize but feel empty. Friends are friends but how will I get that family at this age? I I have never felt so bad in my life. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. I sit and hope someone will call and I know they care but they are busy with their lives. So sad. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I lord I feel the same way. I have no family except my parents. I am terrified when they die, I will not have anyone. I have always put others before myself. I am an only child. I have no children. I feel hopeless, useless, used by people. I am so good hearted people have always took advantage of me. I went to therapy once and when the counselor asked me what the happiest moment of my life was I couldn’t think of one time I was happy. I will be 50 in Sept. I worry I will just end it one day. My grandfather and his brother killed themselves. I worry for myself. I sit and cry all the time. I am crying as I type this. How are you?
hold on tight, don’t kill yourself. We all are suffering something. My mother is going through and reading this made me feel what if this is what she is thinking too? You might never know the pain you leave the few who genuinely and secretly adore you.
I know the pain left behind by my 1st husband. He killed himself on my birthday 40 years ago! I went through guilt (What more could I have done for him?) , anger, hate (thought he was selfish to leave me in a lurch with a big mortgage, thought he was a coward and questioned his love for me). Because I couldn’t function anymore, I had to quit work and go through 2 years of intense therapy. I truly believe what my psychiatrist told me “They always leave a victim!” I was his victim and I didn’t deserve this! As a child, he had been in 37 foster homes and at an early age began drinking. Hence, he became a very depressed alcoholic. He was intelligent, loved children and very talented in different areas. But nothing could make him happy in this life! What a wasted life and what a great loss!
And this birthday past, I remembered…………
Sandy,
I hope your new job is going well, and that you’re meeting new people. I am 59, female, also no family to speak of. I’ve never been married and have no children. I often wonder why God put me here, if just to be alone my whole life, that seems cruel. I have a job where I help college students, that helps me when I see that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life. I’m grateful for what I do have and that maybe the fun times I had in college and growing up are what I get in this life. It does seem like I’m supposed to be alone because everyone that is brought into my life that I get along with really well, etc. leaves, for one reason or another.
Hi..I’m facing my worst days right now…Having done a stupid blunder, I lost my friends who were once my backbone support…I really miss them these days and since I pursue my Post Graduation, I could not spend time without bumping into them..I feel so isolated and even after me realizing the mistake and taking initiatives in talking with them..they pay no heed to those. The way they look even kills me and the way how others talk among themselves feels painful..Many nights for the past 3 months have been spent crying..Right now I’m frustrated, depressed and isolated..Wishing upon a happy change that all come back to the good old joyful days..This is not ME for sure..I always be with friends and a happy-go-lucky girl..But all turned out to be dark..Let the happiness sunshine…But in deep sorrow I’m sharing this here..At least I feel a bit consoled.
Me too- I lost any friends I had. I blame some of it on my mental health and some of it as them just being petty bitches. I,too, showered them with apologies and the chance to talk. I have no idea why people are so cruel and hurtful. I am definitely not the same girl either. I lost my self esteem when 8 people cut me out of their lives in the span of a year. Waiting for things to turn around-/ pray for a friend every single night. Anyway, if you ever want to talk, let me know!
I’m 28 and it’s a struggle to have any kind of life being different is a blessing and at the same time a curse….
I’m 58, in the past 4 years my best friend was killed in a car accident, my only sibling a sister died of a very aggressive cancer and my husband who I had been with since I was 16 died of pneumonia. Both parents are dead so now I have living family. My husband and I were homebodies and introverts so our social circle was not broad.
I have a couple friends. But I want to be more involved in life. Being an introvert and having always suffered from depression my whole life it is going to be very difficult for me to make a new life. Like many here I suffer with those same dogged thoughts of rejection, I’m not good enough, something is wrong with me, no one likes me.
Unfortunately I can see myself alone and lonely for the rest of my days. I feel I do not have much if a personality so who would what to be friends with me.. I’m not good at small talk or bs.
I can only hope I do not live too long I suppose so I can join all my loved ones.
I am going to try and force myself to join Meetup.com Widows and social groups.
A pseudo poem about my depression
the twilight of my happiness broke
and I started to brake with it
I can’t do this again
never knowing who is on my side
who cares about me loves me
or who see’s the truth
that I am a miserable little creep
a nothing with no wisdom to offer
no interesting anecdotes
who do I have left to save me
who do I deserve
who will leave when I share this burden
who will never see me in the same light again
I don’t want to do this anymore
I want to end the whole thing
but I wont and cant
I don’t have the courage
I hope happiness dawns again soon
This is the reality which anyone who feels lonely seek for…
11 years ago I had a wonderful marriage a good business money everything is falling apart I own my house nothing brings me pleasure I exist waiting to die I never hear from my kid that we were inseparable they have turned him against me the cord has lied the school has lied and beside my dog I have nothing to live for I won’t kill myself I’ll just die from not taking care of myself my family is the worst in the world I am well liked but I have no good friends left that were like brothers nothing brings me pleasure I can’t leave the house I don’t belong in a psych ward I’ve articulate I know what’s going on I am solo I see no way out and not one person gives a fuck about me and it’s worse than death or torture and I live Watch Me Whip all life of shit I exist I once wanted to live till 200 now I just wait to die in my house and no one even calls or knows I was a famous sports participant athlete now I’m nothing I care about nothing but my dog and my son who doesn’t care about me because he was taken by an unjust corupt Court I am going to die a very sad life my son is all fucked up from drugs and his mother puts them on my dog is 17 when he goes who knows I won’t commit suicide but I will die of natural causes soon
It is intriguing to see so many different perspectives on loneliness and depression. I was an only child, mostly homeschooled. There were a few painfully awkward attempts at normal socialization. My parents suffered ADD,bipolar disorder and had themselves endured abusive childhoods so it should not be surprising that they struggled not only to relate to each other but to the world in general. We were isolated as a family and we inflicted a great deal of pain on each other in our mutual state of depression, blaming one another and punishing one another for a mental torment we couldn’t quite understand. I think the isolation must have caused the depression for me at least. I never really caught on to socialization. I always had a very deeply buried resentment for people who weren’t as miserable as me and a fear of those who were. I think every one else could sense it I remember other children asking each other “what’s wrong with her?” They seemed disgusted as if I were a rotting corpse they’d stumbled upon. I don’t blame them. It’s like I was toxic. But when I was teen I met my husband who was so full of energy and warmth he wasn’t afraid of the dark clouds around me he thought I was beautiful because I was different, and he wasn’t afraid of all the years of pain lurking in my subconscious because he’d battled his own. It was like all the light I’d been denied suddenly exploded down on me at once and I was so glad I’d never ended my life and he was glad he’d never ended his.
It should have been happily ever after right? Of course we still had to grow up. But we eloped as soon as I was old enough. We’ll be celebrating our 10th anniversary soon. I came out of my shell a bit thanks to his support but soon got pregnant. We had no money for child care and I have to stay home to raise children while he works long hours to support us. Latley I feel all the progress I made is lost. He does back breaking work and I can’t help him. He’s too tired to spend time with me. I feel so useless. Like I’m just wasting oxygen. My children are young but I’m afraid they’ll see me crying and start to wonder what’s wrong with me. I want to inspire them and shower them with positive energy so they never feel this but I’m failing more every day. I sort of blank out and wander to my bed curl up in the fetal position and cry and I can’t remember what it’s even about sometimes but sometimes it’s because I want to go back to when I first fell in love. And sometimes it’s because I’m afraid my life is so meaningless and my contribution to humanity so worthless that God would rather me dead . I think I should look for friends but I don’t know how. Usually when I talk people look at me funny like I’m crazy and then avoid me. I don’t have money or a car. I should be thankful my husband loves me. Sometimes he just ignores me. He’s always stressed and tired and has to self medicate just to keep working going weeks without a day off. And I’m here safe and sound where he left me like a pet cat. I should feel happy right? But I feel alone and meaningless. I feel guilty for being so sad when he works so hard. I can’t really find good reason for it but it won’t go away. The more I try to hide it the worse it gets. I could never afford therapy or real medication. I tried drugs but felt they made things worse. He says I should exercise and I want to but I can’t stay focused long enough to finish. I’ll start and then my focus fades and I wander away. I’m overwhelmed by house work. I can’t think we’re to put things or remember what task I’m supposed to be accomplishing. I can’t even remember to drink. I stare at the walls mostly. I’m always sleepy. I don’t know what to do. My life will never be better than this, if I can’t be happy and friendly now how can i ever be?
L. I wish I had magical words to heal you. I wish I had money to help you. I wish I had wings to save you. But I don’t have any of those things. Just a sad story of my own. Hang in there friend, maybe some day the light will come back to us.
M.
Maybe you could look into your local community and see if they have any support groups available, or speak to your doctor and tell them how you are suffering. Maybe start off small with taking the kids for a walk with you, that might motivate you more and they might ask you too. You could always ask your husband if there is anything he needs or what you could do to help. It might make you feel less useless if you show him you’re making a change by going for walks or is there a course you could study or a hobby you could find and get interested in. The more you sit around isolated and thinking the worse you will get you have to find the strength within yourself to start making small changes, one step at a time. Have you heard of meetup . com it’s a website for people who want to meet up and make new friends..Stop over thinking so much and stop assuming what people think of you, just because you think that way, doesn’t make it true.
Take your kids out and play, if you can find a group activity in your area with other parents and children try that out. Keep your kids too busy to see the depression or become depressed themselves, maybe after time you will be to busy with intrests to be depressed yourself. Your children are the ultimate contribution to humanity, focus on creating a positive role model and experience for them.
Wish there was a way to communicate outside of this forum. I can connect with you on a few different levels. I too come from a family that did not socialize, I also have a loving husband and three children but no friends due to my social anxiety and weirdness. My husband works 12 hour days and we spend only an hour together at night before he’s exhausted and wants to sleep. It would be nice to share a kinship with you. Hope you find the strength to try some of the suggestions offered here…I will try to too.
Hi, it is amazing how depression effects everyone differently. I say this because instead your story and I would so love to have children who need me and a husband who loves me. I know you are it differently but I am 45 yrs old and never been married and no children, was just dumped by the man of my dreams and now losing some mutual friends because they have known him longer than me so I am starting over. I really have no one for support. I have some good friends and a brother and his family but everyone is busy. Both my parents are gone. I do understand you feel bad but you have children and that is a blessing. They need you, want you and will always be there for you I feel I will grow old by myself and if I ended my life today it would take a week or so for anyone to figure it out..I don’t mean to sound more depressing than you may feel but my therapist told me to be grateful for the things we do have. You have a family and to me that is what counts
I agree Sandy. I am crying while I read all the sadness and despair on here. Like many others, Im a middle aged women who is quiet, socially isolated, with no friends or family other than my very elderly parents who I care for. WhIle they are emotionally abusive, when they go I will have no one at all, no purpose or reason to go on and no financial means of survival. Studies have shown that it is family that helps people endure during the most difficult times, sadly its not faith or anything else. No one can understand that sense of utter hopeless depression and loneliness unless they are faced with such all consuming overwhelming loss, luckily few are. The reality is, when it comes to the crunch, family is often the difference between life and death.
I am 57 woman who has no friends just lost job I loved and by looks of it not going to be able to get another one brought up 8 children who don’t bother with us unless they need something did take numbers of people worked with with promised we would met up and keep in touch but just things said but really meant husband no good with dealing with my emotions really trying to stay positive no people much worse off then me
I am too going through depression and decided to seek therapy.
I still feel lonely and depressed but im trying to stay positive and hope it will pass soon because everything passes.
I want to say that to you but also to myself:
You are all beautiful people and this is only a phase.
We will get through this shitty situation and will show everybody who doubted us how strong we are.
There’s a plan for us all !
I love you guys !
This might be an old post, but I need somewhere to vent, and tell my story.. I’m a 30yo Male, and I’ve isolated myself for over 8 years now. It of course became worse over time, to where I began refusing to even leave my house, except for the need of purchasing the essentials to survive(I rarely ever eat, I eat to live, not live to eat, human gluttony disgusts me). Needless to say, my friends became very annoyed with my extreme reclusiveness, and eventually, as I expected would happen, they all gave up. Now no one comes around, which oddly doesn’t phase me. No need for pointless human interactions I suppose.. I tell myself my Social Isolations, was a choice of mine. After so long it really began to seem that way, but of course that’s not the case. I have other psychological disorders that are considered severe by any psychiatrist. It’s been more then 3 years since I’ve admitted myself willingly in any kind of institute. I’ve completely stopped going to all doctors. So no, I have not been taking any prescribed medications, despite the warnings from psychiatrists if I did so. I’ve written myself a reminder to make an appointment, but its nothing but BS that wont happen. The problem is, my depression keeps me from even bothering with help, although I know my life is wasting away. I suffer from BPD as well, which decides the outcome of my day. Even if I wanted to go to some social watering hole, I can’t make or even keep plans. I never know how i’ll feel on that particular day. The last time I hung with friends, I became extremely overwhelmed from all the people crowding me(even though they really weren’t), and I deffinitely can not handle the loud persistent chattering and laughing. All this causes bad Anxiety which eventually turns into anger and anxiety. when I become annoyed or angry I have to leave before my attitude gets the better of me, and causes harm to myself or others. Due to this, I can’t go to any department store, social gatherings, or any crowded places. This has all effected my life way more then just socially, I have COPD, so I cannot work, even if I find a job, my shitty attitude always gets me fired. This all adds to my Apathy. I personally don’t want to hate being around people. Nowadays, I don’t care about much of anything, such as, money, marriage, having children, or any kind of relationship either sexual or friendly. People I know personally, friend and family alike, all either ignorantly or refuse to understands what I go through daily, despite my best efforts to explain my bizarre actions. I feel as if I’m a lost cause, always thought I’d die young anyways. I’m a good example of what happens when Social Isolation is left untreated, along with other Disorders. I of course want to change my life for the better, I live with a lot regret. Even so, years from now, I’ll most likely be in the same troubling predicament i am now. I’m sure just like every other person(s) whose also commented on this topic, told their story in hopes of maybe helping someone, by pointing out the effects of Social Isolation, and the causes and effects when someone’s Social Isolation becomes Extreme. So much life passes you by. Eventually you’ll have nothing but anger and regrets.
You sound a lot like my ex, she suffers from anxiety, depression, and she believes BPD but none of it has been diagnosed as she needs to keep her job. She has MS which preys on her physically but more than it affects her mentally.
We were in a very happy relationship or so I believed from, we had so much in common, had wonderful holidays to places like mexico (we live in europe so bit of s big deal here), we were talking about the future, marriage, kids etc, then one day in October she messages me from work saying she wants to be in her own.
i talked to her and she broke down crying saying she isn’t capable of being in a relationship, that we want different things and we’re different people, all of which is complete rubbish as she is wrong but that’s how she feels in her head, then she told me she thinks she’s got BPD, and depression and anxiety is caused by her MS.
I tried again to talk to her multiple times, I tried to empathise with her, but she is dead set and now really apathetic, saying I don’t understand what she is going through. She absolutely broke my heart, but I still love her but more than that I feel sorry for her and worry so much about her.
She hides everything from her friends and family i’m the only person who saw her at her lowest but now she won’t even speak to me, I have been completely frozen out, but from work colleagues of ours she “is fine”.
I know she isn’t fine and she is suffering in silence when she doesn’t need to, I told her my door is always open. I fear one day she may do something really silly as quite a few of the people do in my profession as they can’t get the help they need or they will lose their job. I also know I can’t keep trying to contact her as it would constitute harassment.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, do I risk trying to contact her for her to possibly get annoyed and say something that will make me lose my job, do I say nothing and watch this once wonderful person destroy themselves, do I speak to someone in my job and have them removed but get them the help they need alternatively this could “push” them over.
All this is making me depressed, I never have had a large social network and I put everything into this relationship before we broke up, now I sit and worry by myself with no one to talk to.
Mental health is a bitch, it affects more than just the individual, it affects people that love them as well, it’s kinda contagious in a way.
Guess what i’m trying to say is you think people are being ignorant or can’t understand but they probably do understand, of course they don’t know how you think but I guarantee they care.
The mind of someone in their lowest depression is very irrational, a person who isn’t suffering from depression will never know how that feels but at the same time those suffering need to understand their mind is not behaving as it would normally and not to give up on people simply because their mind thinks they have given up on them, this is way too easy to say and very difficult to put into practice without professional support and possibly medication.
Your brain can develop problems like any other part of your body, if you suffered from a broken arm would you not get it set in a cast?
You recognise your brain has an issue why shouldn’t you have it looked into, so what if you you need therapy, you would need physical therapy for physical injury, so what if you need medication, develop a dodgy ticker and you take meds every day for the rest of your life.
The stigma of support for mental health lays at the feet of both those suffering and those that don’t suffer, both groups need to accept the brain can break like the kidneys, the arm, the leg, the liver, or any other part of your fleshy meat bag you call a body and do what you need to (and deep down if you thought about it rationally want to) do.
This may sound like i’m preaching, or ranting, and I am in a way, I wish I could say this to my ex because I don’t think as long as I live i’ll ever love anyone as much as I do her but I feel I have lost her forever to mental health stigma, get the support, the help, the medication, whatever you need, I don’t care what it is, just do what’s right for yourself and those that love you because people do love you.
I can relate to bits and pieces of everyone’s stories! Only child, KIND OF A LONER and as a result invested everything in romantic relationships. Attracted many women with lots of baggage, and spent almost my whole young years trying to “fix” and rescue” I suppose at some deeper level it was a way to barter for Love and loyalty.
At 55, I find myself alone and fractured memories of failed relationships. Hardly anyone alive from family and No male friends. Most of my so called male friends were really just allies on a barter system that was skewed, i.e. Do for me as much as possible but don’t ever ask for much in return and we can stay friends…..
A few years ago I ended my last dysfunctional female relationship when I concluded that I was in my 50’s, with little savings and no family or friends heading down the path of complete RUIN!
Completely focused on generating a cushion of financial security, today I am worth about $175K.
Still in the same social situation as before however, at the least, I feel some safety and somewhat insulated from the disasters of being all alone and without anyone to help me if I fall…..
I’m 60 and have felt lonely all my life. But in the past 10 years I lost everything- home, family, friends, career, either to death, suicide or people wanting nothing to do with me after I was hospitalized for treatment resistant depression. Everyone abandoned me. I was so sick with depression and still am that I don’t know how to reach out, koi with people who might be a friend, I just don’t even get out of bed. I live alone, no one calls or visits. I was fired from the last jobs I managed to get for “being mentally ill”. I want a friend so much but have lost hope that anyone would want to hear about the real me though I’d listen to them. I talk to my cats and go no where. I live on a litt disability. I’ll never have a life and hope I die young.
Sarah,
I feel as you do. I know the pain of enduring day after day in despair. Please know that there are others like us who do go on. I often think that I want to leave this world and the misery that I feel. The reason I press on is that I have a 15 yr old son who is my life. I understand you have lost many close to you but realize there are those who love you and people like me who would gladly be your friend. I pray for God to comfort you.
Your friend Mike
Hey Sarah,
I am going through depression too!
And I want u to know that you are not alone !!
I’m working on my depression with my therephist and hoping for better days to come as hard as i can because I don’t want to waste my life. I think u should go to therapy, it might not solve it immodestly but it will help a little and make u feel like u have somebody to talk to.
You’re not alone!
And from one human to another -you are loved !
-mimi
I understand-I grew up with a mother who just couldn’t seem to, “attach” to me, she’s just never loved me-I’ve walked around with a big empty space inside.She would give a bit of affection then just as quickly withdraw it. My father was always working, he had big dreams for himself and became successful but it was a very lonely childhood. If your own mother doesn’t care for you, like you or love you then how can someone else?
I’ve always found it very difficult to make friends-truthfully, I don’t try as hard as I should, I’ve been rejected so many times that I’m weary. I feel like I don’t fit in. I don’t know what it is exactly-I wish I knew so I could try to change it. I had a drinking problem in my twenties but I’ve been sober in AA for over 24 years – even in AA I can’t make friends. 24 years and I have no long term friends-this is considered incredibly strange in AA-it’s been pointed out to me, so I pretend I know more people than I do. I’m always pretending..I look good on the outside, I look nice, nice clothes, car, house but it’s an act and I feel like a fraud. I know people have no idea how incredibly lonely I am.
. My husband of 18 years, suddenly decided Sept 2016 he didn’t want to be married. It came as a total shock to me and my 12 year old son. We were both traumatized -my son & I returned from holiday, my husband pulled me in a room, and told me everything that was wrong with me, everything I had done wrong for the 19 years we’d been together. He really can hold a resentment and lacks any grace to forgive mistakes from years ago. I’m devastated. I don’t have anybody I can talk to besides my therapist. I read a lot-I’ve discovered Buddhism since he left, which has helped. My son will be gone in a few years and then I will be totally alone. I try to not to think about it – Fear is a horrible emotion. It’s so crippling. I’m 53, a nice looking woman but I have a lot of emotional scars-I can’t imagine who will want me-what man will want a woman without friends, I still have several old scars on my wrists, a long ago suicide attempt, another really horrible scar on my arm. I sit and cry every day.
The ironic thing is in the last two years I had really pushed myself and my life had gotten better, I felt emotionally healthy, I was getting out of the house, making superficial friends but it was a start –I felt like I was finally starting to get some place-I was opening up and sharing in AA meetings, helping newcomers but the better I felt, the more the my husband pulled away from me. I thought he’d be so happy to see me happy and doing well but it was exactly the opposite. He’s moved on so quickly-he hasn’t been kind-I’d hoped we could at least be cooperative, kind and respectful to each other but he needs to be angry to assuage the guilt of leaving. I believe we can find meaning in this suffering but it’s a painful road. The loneliness is the hardest part.
Hi Sarah. Although my story is not exactly the same, we have several feelings, emotions, and traits in common. During my marriage….separated and heading toward divorce now, I also lost things. I feel guilty, ashamed, and angry for allowing myself to be a victim at the hands of another human being. I used to be a strong, confident woman. I am completely guilty and angry at myself for allowing my husband to slowly and deliberately strip me of my home, my friends, my money, my confidence, self esteem, and more. Over time, I became a shell of my former self. After spending 23 years climbing corporate ladders , meeting and exceeding my goals, and finding success as a woman in a man’s world, I wanted to do something different. My daughters (from my first marriage) were both grown and living their own lives. So when I did meet a new man…we lived together 8 years and married 2…asked me to work with him, I said yes. And now, I am living day to day, depressed, lonely, scared, and so on. I have about 3 friends that have hung in there with me. I lost faith and trust in people. I found out that their are a lot of unkind people, people that thrive on untrue gossip, people that manipulate, have hidden agendas, etc…people that I thought were my friends. Now I am talking to myself, talking to my cats and my plants. I have no ambition, happiness or hope. And more recently have been having those thoughts of just ending this misery once and for all. I know this is a dangerous space for me and others to be in. Please keep trying different things…get outside yourself…help someone, join a support group and maybe a group or club that you think would interest you. I am going to. I promise! Life has wonderful experiences to offer. Please give it a try and those thoughts of wanting to die young in an imaginary box, lock the box, and throw that key away! Write your commitments…steps you WILL take, to make a better path for yourself. I will too. Now…let’s do it! Best wishes…
Hi my name candy.iv never bin lucky finding frends .I tried so much .it’s always me that runs after friendships. I’m 43 now bin on me own 4 9yrs now.mum well she 8ts me coz my brother raped me .it stop came out 6yrs ago.i got married at 19 to a man that beat me wasn’t alourd to have frends or look at a man .after 14yrs I left him.still on me own ad 3 kids bye him but after they was out of 2ndy school he toke my son he was 11.dint c him 4 4yrs .then he toke my 2 girls age 9.and 12 .9 yrs now ant sin them .I ad little brake down.i started to have pains in my head.6yrs now.i fault I was gonna die .have in no frends our family eat me up .I cleaned 5house a day 21 in a wek my own private jobs.but pains was so bad.then a wonderfully man who I married loves me .but I still cry over not seeing my kids .I never done enythibg only leave him.i never get over it .mum lives not door.she wood burning nice to strangers to make her self look good she left me dad 4 nover man and he comes 1st .she loves her son and if the rape come out she wood die.so my sisters mum .left me 4 dead. It’s brought on .burning braine it’s like hot boiling water running down side yr head .it never go .it’s sad I no .but have in my husband is everything.but I’m still lonley .just want to make frends meet up have chat coffee or wat ever.b nice if a couple as I got husband .b4 he got wiv me he meet up down pub wiv he mates but then he’s marriag slit up she went of wiv summone so he lost he’s mates coz he lived wiv me.it dose get lonely but we try make the most of wat we got.i got so much more to say .but u got to move 4wood. Coz my braine will burn .so it be nice to she a chat make new frends av a laugh a fank candy
I have never heard any one else describe the conflict I feel between lonliness and depression as well as you did. I’m honestly not even sure I had realized that that was a huge conflict in my life until I read this! I feel like I am in a constant battle between being so lonely I coud die and being so depressed that I want nothing to do with anyone. A few months after graduating college my mom became ill and I became her caregiver for the next 5 years until she passed away two years ago. I am having such a difficult time dealing with not only losing my mom, but she was my best friend in the world. We had such a crazy special relationship and I feel like I dont even know who I am anymore without her. I’m not sure I can handle the level of pain that I feel on a daily basis and I find myself functioning less and less. I have lost several family members in the past several years and after my mom died my brother and dad basically turned against me and I am finding myself utterly alone for the first time in my life. I have tried to reach out to old friends but it seems like every one is in their own world. I’m at the end of my rope- I’m trying so hard to stay positive and do what I need to do to get out of this hole but I’m waking up everyday feeling worse and worse. Anyway, I’m glad I ran into this page as it gave me some clarity about my situation and how my lonliness and depression are at odds with each other.
Hang in there, I am about to graduate and feel like a similar situation may happen to me, but with no job and after leaving a life that now doesn’t seem so bad, to go back to school for a better life, which seems impossible now. I hope things get better for you.
I’m 22, basically have a handful of friends that have all moved off to university to make a life for themselves and I’m stuck in this dead-end town in a pretty demanding job that feels like its crushing me.
Sometimes it can be the smallest of things that can set my depression off, really stupid things. I’m then left in this horrible state where I’m scared of the world around me. I’ve been dealing with this for well over a year but now I feel so crippled by it all, I spend most nights lying in bed wishing I just had someone to listen to me. I talk to those friends I mentioned before through facebook daily but I can never bring myself to tell them how I’m truly feeling, what I have left of my pride just doesn’t allow it.
Honestly I feel so pathetic.
Your high school friends are no more accessible, they are off finding new directions and life like you are. Don’t follow them so closely, they are now your old friends, but you may go back to them later in life. You are young and need to get more outgoing even if it is difficult. Take a course, go to the gym, learn a sport, go dancing, start a weekend volleyball team, find a second job . I found more friends thru my jobs always had two at your age. Be positive.
I am very shy and insecure, but, I am also wise and have a good sense of humor – my few friends see this as positive…I have several dear friends now by finding one good overly extroverted outgoing friend, then met all her friends. I have a best cousin and a best friend from high school (reconnected) and my good friend from my 30’s ( and her bfriend) and old boss who is a good friend. I am not a jealous friend, , I try to find good qualities in everyone. Also , Quality over quantity when it comes to friends…
You are not pathetic, you have a job and free will, you are a step ahead compared to other places. Accept your self or change or move or just decide to wake up happy, you are in control.
Celebrate each day, you are young and in good health. I am old with many problems and some health issues so I can say that you should try to make these years best times of you life.
Take care ,
I cope with depression, anxiety, fear and anger daily by walking with God,do spiritual reading,pray,,work Emotions Anonomous,12 steps,slogans,replace drug,drink with people,feelings and Recovery Inc. based on Mental Health through Will Training book by Dr. Abraham Low. Attend support group online on Sundays 8-9:30. Cost $30/yr membership. Great program.
Typical meeting donation is a buck a meeting or $4 a month or $48 a year so less than typical. There are quotes in book can cling to when in symptoms such as if down, ‘move a muscle, change a thought’. If nervous, ‘just the outpouring of a nervous imbalance’, fear,’are a capable lot but paralyze ourselves with fear’,anger, ‘temper begets temper’ ‘is a luxuury can’t afford’ Basis of mental illness is anger and fear.
Judge,don’t accept, compare self to others. Project negative feelings onto others so think out to get us and feel as we do about selves when often people into selves,thinking how they are coming across and wondering what others think of them! Paranoid. Some degree normal. When to extreme that effects functioning and one avoids people, going outside,places, oversensitivity to criticism, misinterpreting what people say and right away think is a criticism or take each affront alleged as personally!, is a problem.
Avoid the labels of mental illness and diagnoses. Are for insurance purposes only. Chip away daily at the thoughts,feelings and changing self defeating behavior to have a more enjoyable life and self concept. Keep busy too, preferably doing what enjoy. Appliles to work and when not working. Watch what think and say. Be positive,feel and behave better. Take meds as prescribed if recommended.
Exercise,eat well,get fresh air,light,volunteer to get out of head and self, not all about us all the time. We are just not that important. Not movie,rock stars,etc. just people. Strive to be average. Is our fear that we want to be be perfect but fear we are less than average. Many of us are well-educated,smart but..self-absorbed to the point of being bores.
Develop good social skills and a caring attitude of service and generosity and you will find slowly that things will improve and turn around for you. If people dislike you, keep it moving. Even jesus dusted his feet off when talking to a wall and went on to next! We are not Jesus. Helped,cured and still was killed.
Many people are mean,ignorant. Just the way it is but not all. Strive for the good and to see the good in people and drop the judgement. Many of us were judged harshly so do the same. Seek out people who can be honest with us in a nice way so can grow as human beings. See what may be doing wrong so can change. Ex. gossip. Here’s to your health!
“as a man thinketh is he’
‘Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent’ -Eleanor Roosevelt
I agree with what you say Ann and for many years I did many of the things you mentioned. It helped with depression and they are all great coping mechanisms. It is about working on and changing oneself, so that if and when opportunities arise we are able to make the most of them and hopefully grow in Christ. Yet depression is a combination of both personal and external influences, so it is only addressing part of the problem. The reality is that opportunities required to change oppressive citcumstances do not always come by us, especially as we get older and or our circumstances isolate us from others. Opportunites are always greater for the young, outgoing, attractive or talented ones. We may not even have the money or time to attend courses and work so diligently on ourselves. If our circumstances remain the same and are negative, oppressive and unsupportive of all the internal growth and effort we put in, then all the works of faith will simply not sustain us. Though I still try to retain a mustard seed of faith for God’s mercy and intervention in my life before it is too late, sadly I have found Christians to be most judgemental and critical, emphasising ones ability to change through faith and work, while denying the reality that we do not act alone in the world and showing love and compassion for those less fortunate.
hi i am housewife got two kids. ever since i moved with my husband i am haunted with depression because the way i looked at fiends was totally different from the way my husband had. i dont want to call a person friend if that person is not sincere. so i hardly got any friends but husband got lot, so everyone find me alien in the group. i tried to speak about with my husband but he said i need to find my own to get out of depression and sadness. it been 6 yrs now still i find hard because i feel even my husband is keeping friends to those people i hate. is it because i think negative about everything this happening or is it because i need one shoulder i could cry and they could say ITS OK I WITH You
I feel the same way. Im devorced. Meet a new guy i have two children and am very isolated. He socializes with any walk of life. And because I dont I dont have a socail circle.
Hi, I can really relate to what you are saying. I too do not want to have friends if they aren’t sincere. I feel sometimes like I’m too hard on what friends I do have and struggle understanding if it’s me or just my situation. I suffer from chronic low grade depression and have all my adult life. I am also naturally introverted and feel exhausted and uncomfortable in situations with more than one or two people. I’ve recently decided to give up on a “friend” after constantly being stood up for coffee dates . I’ve talked to my sister and husband who both feel like it’s the best move on my part. Unfortunately since then I’ve been experiencing a spiralling downward. Last year I had to make a similar decision which another friend who had blatantly used me and who’s husband I suspected of inappropriateness with my disabled son. Unfortunately she was the only one who understood me cause she herself struggled with depression. I long to reach out to her but can’t due to the danger it puts my son in.
I’m such a giving person to friends that I end up with people who abuse it. I won’t let myself be walked over anymore. I wonder sometimes if it’s karma coming to haunt me. I’m so confused about how to maintain friends that I’m frozen in place. I don’t trust myself at all. I see people who have friends for years that are basically like family and I long for it. I feel so angry at these people for letting me down and using me and yet I’m angry at myself for no being able to understand how to navigate this thing called friendship. And I’m angry yet when the advice I get is to not be the person I am in order to have friends. I simply don’t get it. It’s like this weird labyrinth I can not solve. I’m so tired of trying to solve this and yet no way for me to leave it alone.
You and me both girl. I want real genuine people for friends so I have the same issue with not being walked over. I feel like that strong personality trait drives people away when really it’s just there to protect you. I have been burned by so many girlfriends, some I’ve know for nearly a decade. But people change and I hope the new chapter of my life gets here soon!
I am …..grateful but lost my attitude for gratitude. I feel down and last night felt like if God took me now then I was ok with that as I have done all I can do. I am not and never was suicidal I’m stuck and realise I am lonely and in a fog of depression.
Basically What has caused this was recently working as an office manager 5.5yrs and made redundant without warning and given 1 hour to leave and say goodbye to an empty office was an adjustment I had to make – new management saw no value in me.
Luckily my son had finished private school that year and We worked so hard to give him the best education and I was unhappy with the new boss and work ethics and how my employer treated people. It was not how I wanted to be treated. So I took this change as a blessing in disguise.
My husband resigned that year too from poor management in his job and started his own business and I adopted or fell into the role as manager for our home business.
Our business is expanding but I am only starting to learn a new role. New software and no office yet to call my own. My husband works 15 hours a day! He took his laptop to our once a year holiday to work on and off for the 9 days break. It is taking its toll
My social and work ‘outside’ life has ceased. I get outside my front door once a week. Usually to attend church.
I used to speak publicly as an advocate for depression and anxiety but have put that on hold. I was helping so many by my talks of hope and well being in recovery. . ATM I feel i would be talking empty words.
My husband thinks I should feel great and free and keep the house clean and tidy and not he’s not stopping me from going for a walk. But I don’t have the want to walk I don’t have my freedom. I have lost my independence. I talk and hesitate when in public when we are together waiting for him to correct my speech. He loves me and would give me so much but I feel frozen and stuck!
I wrote a book and it was published in 2014 and in the very early stages of working with a producer and small team who are exploring my story making it onto a film.
My older siblings show hatred toward me and the closer siblings are supportive, including my parents. But the ones against my story are cruel and bullying and the Christmas Joy attempts were made to spoil that.
I told my life story and instead of them pleased of my survival and recovery I am looked down upon as shameful to express how I felt and the stigma they have because of a sister with a mental issues.
I survived a breakdown at 16 and relapses for 15 years and later post natal depression with my only son. I NEVER gave up but lady night I felt weak and tired. Tired of the bullshit
Depression and anxiety is real and when we feel thrown on the scrap heap there is a reason why we feel that way.
I am writing to this website totally out of the blue because I read comments today that I resonate with and although not a professional to give advice or take my own, it’s ok not to feel ok. If we see it then we can act on it.
I’m looking for life choices and ATM the major one is to not isolate and be hidden behind my front door. I think I will try water aerobic classes for excercise. Cost effective. And to meet people outside my walls of isolation that I need to break through.
My husband is at golf and he said I could walk holes with him and as nice as that was I need something for me. So thanks for this chance to vent as anonymous.
I see people post about feeling lonely but they have husbands or wives or family or friends. They say they still feel lonely because those people don’t want to listen to them or whatever.
But what about about people who have none of those….who would love to even have little but? That person in the room with them at least. A person to even bounce small talk off of.
What do people who don’t even have that little bit do? Those who are totally alone.
I meant. … Would love to even have that little bit.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone it’s amazing I feel exactly the same way I’m not trying mirror you to make a friend from despair
I’ve had cancer and I have anxiety loneliness depression the same definition I feel less lonely that I was able to read there are people that feel very similar and I’m looking forward for more blogs like this
Struggles are physical memory issues arthritis pain fibromyalgia brain fog feeling not worthy not working no social life I’m very fortunate I have a family I have a roof over my head I am trying to get mindfulness approach though it’s very challenging to apply because that negative mental chatter hard to block I believe in therapies actually that you confront your here around shoes when we leave you can relieve your Mysteries and hurts and pains anyway I have a tendency to put myself down as well and I don’t know why I do it you know when you go to cancer if you times and then a stem cell transplant you know you can look good and you look like you’re a real together person but there’s issues that goes on for some people . And yes when people ask me how am I doing they mean it and rhetoric so I say very very well and they’re shocked as I used to not say that and that even makes more people abandon you it’s so weird when you get in your abandoned by all the people you thought you were close to except your immediate family . Oh by the way instead of you about myself but you know what I think you know what I’m saying and I’ve known people that went back to work and they’re doing extremely well and good productive life I I’m tired of sitting and moaning about my condition so I’m going out of the shell in trying to meet people I have found myself very socially awkward for being such a Hermit I might have been out of practice for 7 years and you know everybody’s different we’re all different individuals and damn I like to be positive as I can by hanging around a good environment like the YMCA like you mention it that’s a really good thing and I go there but I don’t feel as lonely and I go to the pool and the hot tub and I do the nustep and recumbent bike so keep it up when I can exercise and feel more alive worst thing is to hang around the house and mope and feel sorry for myself there’s a lot to be grateful for
I think your reply was supposed to go to
“No Name” I am “Noname”. I wish someone would have responded to mine though.
I absolutely agree with what u mentioned noname and I totally got what u were saying and being alone and totally alone means u have no one people having a wife a husband family or friends that’s not being alone I have no one I have opened up to people to let them know I’m dealing with alot and i’m alone and what happened I got no support and to me I feel they don’t care so no heartfelt for me it’s truly sad how people treat and act towards others when u let them know u need them that’s why I opened to them now I sit in my rm so alone I have said to myself who wants to live like this not me I wish I had someone to talk to and feel really care about and as u said noname who would love to have a little that’s I want
You ask what do people who have nobody. I can only speak for myself.
Suffer.
Early mornings when despite tablets ( which have my head all messed up) I lie with that awful depression and hopeless thoughts. Memories of another rejection, when I have confided in a ‘friend’ inappropriately, one of the problems of being completely alone is a tendency to elevate friends, people who only want social company, into people who are very important. Add this to a fear of being rejected and it is self-full filling.
I find I am such a sad person these days that I even envy people who have no family as it seems better than having family who either don’t like you or don’t want to bother. I have had to distance myself from my ‘family’ as they only hurt me.
Where it is lovely to have a social life, to me nothing beats having that one special person who is there with you, on your side.
I go to groups when the depression allows, I have made ‘friends’ but unfortunately sometimes when completely alone you can attract the wrong friends and I have just added more fodder to the low self-esteem pile.
Now I think others must have been correct, the fault is with me, certainly now, as I have become dysfunctional with others and find it stressful, yet I know I need people.
I have thought of suicide so often but for one reason or another did not do it, but I think when I do it will be sudden and impulsive as the blueprint is in my mind.
I am old now but may have another 20 years, do not want to go on as I think I never learnt, except in shorts bursts, how to manage life. If you have a bad childhood, unless you happen to be lucky to meet a great partner, life is very hard.
My marriage was a disaster which I stayed in too long, trying to ‘fix it’ or accept it. No children.
Now, all completely alone.
Please, nobody reply with platitudes.
Dogs are the only friends worth having.
I agree, I hear people complain about people in their life, spouse not the best, kids acting up, parents are calling and nagging. Wow, I wish I hhad those problems because living alone and no one there is the worst feeling ever…i feel I just take up space…
I am excited to have found this site. I am 55 and have a caring husband & kids. I have struggled with depression all of my life & have been on many different medications over the years & also, a lot of therapy sessions. The depression has intensified since I started going through Menopause. Today, it is all I can do to be up & out of bed. I have lost friends & feel very lonely & isolated most of the time. Because of my faith & loving family, I wouldn’t commit suicide, but if God wanted to take me soon – that would be fine. I would have loved to be involved in a support group with other people dealing with depression, but that is non-existent in my area. I could really use a friend to talk to who understands.
Thank you for listening. It helps to be able to talk about it.
I don’t know how much I could help you because I am going through depression too, however knowing there is someone out there going through it helps not feeling alone, you can talk to me anytime, I will help as much as I can and maybe you can also help me. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hi had “2” friends who i thought supported me. Even thought my husband does. However one of them has distanced herself entirely from me and i think the other one is too. My husband doesn’t understand the self loathing which intensfies when something “little” to everyone else really upsets me. This situation with the two friends is all i think about. I am trying to get better. But i feel that they won’t be around to see the REALme.
This article completely spoke to me. I am 34 I have been fired and the only reason I can think of is that I had no desire to be there. Basically I live at home, I have maybe one good friend and I have no job. Recently I have been seeking some help, but I am afraid to try to make friends because it usually ends the same. Is there anyone out there around my age that has risen above and beat depression in their 30’s?
31/single/male Unmarried Millenial w/o Kids:
I’d like to think I’m in a similar boat as you, otherwise I wouldn’t be here the day before Christmas Eve literallt alone in my apt playing this unending relay out over and over in my head as to the multiple reasons why I am alone, lonely, in debt, heartbroken, depressed, addicted, confused, angry, envious, lethargic, distracted, and damn near defeated..trust me…you are not alone.
It’s not natural for man to be alone; nor is it conducive to compliment solidarity with continuous nihilistic choices.
Feel free to hit me up. I’d benefit from chopping it up with people who are going thru similar battles
I’m in the same situation that you are in and I don’t know how to get out of it I’m 56 years old I want out and I don’t know what to do or how to do it I can’t sleep get up worried I don’t know what to do please reply back to me right now I need you to talk to me I am a female thank you sincerely Cynthia
I am a 59 year old divorced female. I was fired from my last job. I have no friends and manage
barely to keep a roof over my head and car payments etc. You are the first person who is near
my age. I know what its like to be alone. I need someone to talk to also.
Dear Kathy and Cynthia,
I am a single 61 year old female. I have a grown son who has his own life. I don’t have any friends and have just been laid off from another crappy job. This has not always been the case, I was moderately successful until four years ago then it all went south. I now live in a dump, have no job and no prospects. I always assumed that by this stage in my life I would be looking forward to retirement. But I continue to struggle just like you Kathy to keep a roof over my head. I worry about becoming homeless. After I lost my job and had to sell my home last year it seems my son is disgusted with me. My family is dysfunctional and just doesn’t care, especially now. I want to change my life but its just been one thing after another and I don’t know how to overcome it all anymore. I don’t know how to make things better. I am losing the battle of trying to remain hopeful or positive and have become very negative and withdrawn. I have attended a local church and want to become social, make friends, create a better life but something holds me back and at the end of service I rush to my vehicle and feel relieved as the door closes and I am safe inside. What the heck has happened, what is wrong with me? I want to change but I am so afraid and so angry. Any suggestions?
I am 48. Widowed as of three months ago. My husband commit suicide. I am in a town where I don’t know anyone. I have no family for 2000 miles. No friends.
I have chronic pain, PTSD. Fibromyalgia. Cfs. Severe depression all before he died.
Now I’m wondering why am I here.
I have a dog and three cats. I wake up for them.
But it’s not enough anymore. I have nobody here to care. Trying to move back to where I was before we moved here. But if I can’t sell the house. I’m stuck.
House isn’t selling.
I can’t work. So I don’t even have a social life at a job
I go to my drs spots a couple days a week. I come home and take pain medication and antidepressants to keep myself from dying.
Now I wonder if any of its worth it. I have no motivation. No future. No goals. Nobody loves me. Nobody to love. I’m isolated and hanging by a thread.
Oh No!! 48 you are too young, you have a 2nd chance to change your life. You are in the midst of grief, give your self time. Take walks, join gym, reach back to something that made you feel happy, art class, anything. My heart goes out to you.
Hi hannah, my name is stacey and my husband also comitted suicide 5 years ago.. he left behind 3 children.. our then 12 year old, and 1 year old twins.. its been a struggle to maintain friendships.. nobody seems to get what i go through.. i struggle with depression and anxiety.. sometimes i feel better.. most of the time.. i do not.. dealing with losing a person from suicide is a very unique situation.. ( i also lost my dad to suicide when i was 17) im almost 40 and still trying to figure out how to deal with the loss of my partner of almost 20 years.. i feel awful when i hear somebody else is struggling with the suicide of a loved one.. i know how it feels and even tho i dont personally know you, i can completely relate.. i will check this forum to see if you reply back..(i know its been sev months since u posted on here by the date) i just found this site tonite.. i will have you all in thoughts and prayers… stAcey
36 male, as far as I can figure out, if you have a job you must get along with someone or else they would not have hired you. When you do find someone to be a friend or significant other you must never tell them you struggles, nobody but a therapist will listen or stick around to listen. If you do get a therapist be careful to not to talk to others like you would your therapist. I think single men in their 30s-50s are thought of as tools for business, breeding and bringing happiness to others, nobody wants to hear how they feel especially possible mates, they will leave when they find someone who seems to have no problems, unless they are good problems, such as too much work that makes money, or not enough time because of successful business persutes.
I am 14 and a freshman in high school. I am extremely depressed, even my doctor knows that. I took a test, and was afraid i would get to a hospital if i put down my honest answers so i sugarcoated on it. She said i was on the borderline of depression, so I know i am. And it feels like it gets worse every day. I have MAJOR self esteem issues, autistic (but i grew out of it mostly), and i have a very complicated family (extremely long story) and it stresses me out. I moved about a year ago, and I became extremely shy and… wasnt myself anymore. I felt it later on that i changed. I have one friend at school, and I cant talk to literally ANYBODY. Nobody even knows who I am, I’m that shy! I grew apart from my best friend ive had for a couple years now and nobody notices how im feeling. Nobody, not even my mom. I feel like im a bad person, and I cant handle it anymore. How do i not be so shy, and closed-off to everybody? Especially with being depressed and having self-esteem issues?
Hi,
I’m 22, and I feel like I cannot connect with anyone my age. Sure, my family loves me but they got their own stuff going on and people they can relate to. My boyfriend is always there for me but hes got a life of his own too and his own circle of friends to hang out with. All my life, I haven’t been the centre or even in the periphery of anything. I’ve lost touch with friends from school, and the “friends” from college, I don’t feel like it makes a difference to them whether I’m there or not. None of them make a big deal of my birthday or try to ask if I’m okay or not, or try to consider my schedule when planning anything. It’s hard meeting new people who want to be friends with you because probably they have already got their own friend circle and you would be in the same position as before in the edges and not in the loop. It’s not that I want to be around people all the time, it would be nice to know someones around for you and genuinely want to hang out with you. I don’t think I’m a bad friend but apparently I’m not a fun enough person to hang out with or talk to. Tired of trying hard to be a good friend when you are just a fall back option for someone else. I don’t think it matters whether I’m there or not anymore because nobody would notice
I am 46 and you sound like me. I am tired of trying to make people like or rebuff when i try.
Hi, I’m seventeen and am going to graduate high school this June. I live a relatively okay life, my family is middle class and we have a nice house, my parents are okay compared to the parents of other people I know, they have stable jobs and aren’t drug addicts or anything. However, my mom has expected too much from me my entire life. She would check the school website where parents can see your current grades and we would have screaming matches whenever I had a bad grade aka bs or cs. Even when I was in elementary school. Last year I tried to take a highest level class and I really struggled with it, so the fighting got so bad and I was constantly filled with anxiety wondering if she was going to check the site and see the test I failed that day. I also have no friends to talk to about my problems. I have like two that I talk to in school, but that’s it. The one I’m closer to talks about her problems all the time, but if I try to talk about something that’s bothering me, she doesnt care and just changes the subject. So I don’t even try to tell her that I despise my mom. I scribble all of my feelings into a journal, which helps, but it’s not the same as having an actual human being to confide in. And On top of high school, I’m taking courses at the local college so I can graduate from college faster at my moms request and it stresses me out SO MUCH. Every time I think about working on those classes I want to die. They’re so time consuming and I feel like I’m wasting my teen years doing homework, I never have time for any actual fun things!!! Well if I had friends, I could hang out with them on the weekends, but since I don’t have friends, I just hang out with my MOM because I’m lame af. I’m young and boring. I wanted to go to prom, but I don’t talk to any guys so no ones going to ask me, and it’s not like I have any single friends to go with. I was also kind of looking forward to going to college, but now I’m worried that NOTHING will change even then. I’ll still have no friends. I got a job, and haven’t made any friends. One girl I work with a lot told my “friend” who also works there (the one I mentioned earlier who only talks about herself) that she doesn’t like working with me, which pretty much means she doesn’t like me. Because I’m boring. Understandable, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either. Anyways, I always feel so down, at school, home, wherever. Sometimes the fog lifts and I can go shopping or I’ll bring my sibling to the movies. But most of the time I just feel bitter towards everyone, towards my family, my so called friends, the other kids at school. Myself. Idk but somewhere along the way I lost some key quality people use to make friends. Whatever. I just need to survive these next few months, and then I can spend this summer, alone, in my room.
Baby, I am so sorry you’re feeling like this. I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t have the pressure from parents that you have, but I got all the rest. I was called boring, and I felt boring. I didn’t have any close friends, and I spent high school feeling alone. College was full of loneliness too because I always felt less than.
All I can tell you is take care of yourself. Put yourself and YOUR needs first. If you need medication and therapy, do those things. Get those feelings out with people who are available to listen. Do not let yourself stay in a place where you feel uncomfortable…and give yourself the break that no one else is giving you. You are so deserving of giving yourself a chance and a break, just because you’re you. Take it from another struggling from depression.
Just give yourself a chance, keep telling yourself you matter (especially when you don’t feel like it), and build up your self-esteem.
so right now im going through depression . The reason for this is because when i turned 15 years old i had left my father and step family that i knew almost my whole life and lived with them for 4 years . As i got older i started realizing more things and started making mistakes so instead.of talking to my dad or step mom i randomly left and moved back with my mom who is also bipolar , depressed and schitzophrenic. I am now 20 years old and havnt seen my dad in a couple years and i feel like im left with mobody because nobody really cares to listen or just wont understand and i dont know how to explain it but it hurta and i dont know what to say to him or my stwp family to make them understand . I was blind to what i did and my biggest regret in life was leaving him . What and how do i do what i need to do . Everytime i try reaching out i jist give up again because i feel like its too late .
Sometimes parents can be difficult because they only see you as who you were and not Who you’ve becomenow. Do what you can to succeed and grow and your dad will see the progress in your life and welcome you back in his. My son, I love dearly but I am tired of his problems. Telling him doesn’t work and he continues to get into trouble. I still talk to him and let him know I love him, but I can’t keep tyring to fight his battles when he doesn’t want to get better. All we ask, as parents if you fall get up. If you screw up, fix it, and if you can’t fix it do what you can and move on. He will notice that you have matured and your dad will welcome that.
I have THE SAME EXACT problem as sarah m has. But what if nobody listens? what if nobody realizes, and all you do is wonder what you could have done differently?
Your article pinpointed exactly how I feel. Loneliness is so hard. I’m not even sure if my friends have abandoned me or if I pushed them away, but either way I’ve drifted apart from everyone over the past 2 years – family and friends. I feel like I am wasting ‘the best years of my life’ (I just turned 24) alone in bed. I desperately want to talk to people and connect, but I also don’t want to selfishly burden people with my depressing thoughts all the time – I don’t want to bring people down, and acting ‘normal’ takes so much energy, it feels safer to retreat. How did anyone get over the situation in the article? At the moment, I’ve been feeling pretty suicidal for a while and I feel like if I went, no-one would know or care. I want to reach out but I don’t know how. I want to go back to being the old me – I feel like I’ve lost the ability to communicate or express myself properly. How can I be less wrapped up in myself? How can I stop myself from irrationally thinking everyone dislikes me?
I feel exactly the same, and I wish someone told me what to do. But your post made me feel like I wasn’t alone, so thank you for that
You know, I have never felt depressed, but it strikes me that sports might help. I like swimming at the YMCA because you have people around you, but no one talks, since they are all going in and out of the water. I like coffee shops, and also libraries, for similar reasons of being with others, but not having to base it on talking. I go alone. Best wishes.
I feel the same. I would live to hear some tipsx
You have a wife, that’s more than 99% of us. Never found love, barely even held someone’s hand. Crippling loneliness and feelings of exile for 10 years now. No point trying anymore.
Sorry to hear that, Josuke. I will say, however, that being married or being in a relationship is no guarantee against loneliness.
I am married and although I love my husband, I’m often painfully lonely.
I’m a 51 year old man and my life is over. The few “friends” I do have and family can only deal with me in very small doses because of my severe depression. They keep our conversations quick and superficial. My days and nights are completely filled with overwhelming feelings of anxiety, dread and doom. My ability to make reasonable decisions is long gone. I’m losing my will.
Never loose your will there are people that are feeling depressed here that’s why we have eachother to talk to
I am going through the worst time in my life. I am divorced from my wife after 12 years and having a very difficult time holding it together. I am still in love with her and she could care less about me. We haven’t spoke in so long I just want to kiss her and tell her I love her. But there is no chance I will ever have that again. There is no one for me to lean on to distract me from my new shitty life. I have no friends, no fun. It’s been about nine months since we split up and I can’t seem to move on. I know she is out with her friends and meeting other people, probably fucking other people by now. She wanted this. Sulking and thinking about myself is all I do. I don’t go out because I’m too insecure in every part of myself. I dropped out of my university to go be with her while she continued her career only to be thrown back out on my own. Now I deliver pizzas and go to school online and I’m embarrassed to tell people about it. I’m embarrassed that I’m in my 20s and already divorced. I’m embarrassed that sex was so bad between us that the next woman I meet I will disappoint. I just want someone to go smoke and drink with me but I can’t muster the courage to ask anyone. I’m afraid of what I’ll say, how I will act in public. I am afraid of rejection. I’m terrified of meeting a new girl because my wife was my only lover since high school. I didn’t want this life but I am being forced to live it. I feel my life is meaningless. I think about death and suicide every night. I feel older everyday and that every moment that was gifted to me is being squandered. So many “I’s” in this post. My depression is almost a reverse narcissism where I can only focus on my woes and nothing else matters. I feel so selfish and lost I don’t know if I’ll ever turn it around. I forgot how to love people and myself. I can’t be open with others, or share my thoughts. When I want to speak, I run over the scenario so many unneeded times in my mind, my heart starts pounding and then I just don’t say anything at all. I don’t expect anyone here to be able to help. In fact I know what I have to
Do to feel better I just can’t bring myself to do it. I just needed to get this out in the air. Thanks for reading.
Hey man. Its places like this where you meet new friends.
I’m currently very depressed as well. I’ll admit, my life is going alot better than yours. But I still feel the pain of nihilism and existentialist nightmares as well as the loss of all my friends.
I just want to say, I feel for you.
I feel terrible about the loss of your wife. I wish I could talk to her for you and resolve you guys’ problems. I know what it feels like to lose the one you love.
Just keep these goals in mind and you will feel better about yourself to a point that makes living bearable:
1) find a hobby of some sort. Its tough and I still trying to find something I enjoy (I dont enjoy anything anymore). But it will give you a reason to live.
2) learn about philosophy, Rhetoric, Arts, and Sciences. Become the smartest you can be. Its pointless to be irrational while being depressed. It makes life worse. You have to be tough and use the one thing that will keep you company no matter what you do… Use your brain. The worst case scenario is you find yourself realizing most people are idiots who dont deserve your time. This leads into the 3rd point.
3)Find people who also are invested in content based topics. Trust me. You dont want to be friends with basic people who only talk about trivial bullshit. They’re the fake ones. They’re the ones who will leave you on a whim because you’re not feeding them false happiness through imagery of a positive outgoing social butterfly. That’s what they want. All these mindless fools want to be herded like sheep by the alpha.
The intellectuals will come back again and again with a give and take mentality because part of what they want is to teach you what they enjoy.
Honestly I would love to be your friend if I got to know you. It just depends on what you’re into. You’ll find alot of people who would like to be friends with you but it depends on your interests. Find a group. Become part of a culture. For me, I enjoy Metal. That is my life. I go to all the concerts in the area. Great places to make friends.
Good luck man
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. This year is the same as last. I’m depressed & alone. No friends nor family invitations in the rural town I live in. Ughh!!! I just needed to vent. I feel better now. Cheers.
Thank you so much for writing this John Folk-Williams . You have clarified a lot for me and I feel relieved knowing that someone else understands and can explain it.
You helped make my life better and a little less lonely ????
❤️
I’ve messed up ….I got drunk at the weekend and ended up getting in a state I’ve now lost my best friend…I suffer with depression and know I shouldn’t drink but I did now I hate myself all over again …..I’m lonely I’m depressed and I hate myself I feel like giving up as that’s the easy option I don’t know what to do anymore or to make this feeling go away …I have now 1 friend left who I see now and again but I just destroy anything good in my life
Hi Stacey, I hope you’re feeling better now. When I read your comment I wanted to give you a hug and the reassurance you need because I know that feeling too well, I’m still cringing at what I’ve done under the influence of alcohol years ago and still trying to avoid drinking. Lost so many friends.
It’s definitely not a good idea to get wasted if you have depression, alcohol is like a magnifying glass albeit a twisted one!
Whatever happened that night might feel way worse to you than it really is, if you want to get it off your chest write it down here where no one knows you and I’m sure there’ll be many who can say it’s not so bad or that they, myself included, have done worse.
If you didn’t do anything bad apart from being a messy drunk then don’t worry about that because it happens to most people and your best friend shouldn’t abandon you because of that, if she did she’s too strict and critical. She should talk to you about it.
The main thing to learn from this experience is that alcohol is not your friend, it makes us behave badly and causes pain and self-loathing so make a decision to abstain from alcohol. Unless you can keep yourself to one or two drinks max but then stop so you don’t drown in it.
The next main thing is that you need to love yourself dear, so start by giving yourself a hug and telling yourself that you love you 😀
Go on it’s not crazy! What is crazy is to listen to the jerk in your consciousness that’s telling you to hate yourself! Who is that jerk anyway? Kick ’em out 😉
Every time you catch yourself hating on yourself stop and address the situation immediately, it helps to be light-hearted about it and tell that voice “Hey who let you back in? Get outta here you’re stinkin’ up the place!”
Look for the love, the humour, the silliness and joy in everything because the sad stuff will always be there like weeds in the garden of your mind.
Learn about meditation it really helps to know your inner demons and to stop being afraid of them.
Train your mind not to go down the dark road and to stop yourself once you find you are going there.
Try to make yourself laugh and don’t give a ???? what anyone thinks about that!
Love yourself Stacey you are your own best friend first.
Infinite love ❤️
Chris….
I spend a lot of time reading people’s comments, and yours… Was just what I needed to see today!???? The best advice I’ve seen in some time and in fact while my mind was wandering down a dark road hating on myself.. Something in me said STOP, and then I read your words saying the same thing!! It’s a hard skill to master! Thankyou for being the kind of person you are if no one has told you that recently!! Brings a smile to this sad face!????❤️
Thank you for this article it helped put things into perspective for me.