Lately, I’ve come across a number of questions online by plainly anguished people, asking: Why do I have no friends, no life? The first time I saw one this blunt, I reacted almost defensively, laughing as I recalled an old film in which a man hires a private detective to find out why he has no friends. Isn’t it obvious? But I knew so well how much the question implied. Lonely and depressed, I had often asked that same question, or at least felt the need to ask it.
I wrote an earlier post about the difference I experience between loneliness and depression. Loneliness is a sadness at the loss of close relationships. It drives me to reach out to people. Depression pushes me away from them. When I feel these two at the same time – as I can if the depression is not too severe – the tension of these opposing forces makes it all the harder to find the help I need.
Thinking back over many years of living with depression, I can quickly find many reasons why I had such trouble finding a friend to talk to when I most needed one. (I’ll set aside the much worse problem of not talking to my wife. I’ve said a lot about the reasons behind that, especially in this post.) Here are some of the problems from my experience. I can’t say how true they might be for others.
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Sometimes it wasn’t I who had an issue with reaching out but friends who had trouble opening themselves to listen. Many people refuse to talk about depression or other serious illnesses. I first found that out when I had cancer. It was stunning to me that a few people I had known quite well simply disappeared from my life. Though I never heard any explanation from them, my wife and I believed they couldn’t face the risk of emotional involvement and possible loss.
Depression adds another dimension. Many may feel helpless in the face of a friend’s pain and despairing mood. When I reached out for support, some friends were sympathetic but at a loss as to what they could do to help. And, of course, some friends are not in the habit of probing their own emotional lives and run from the idea of listening to someone else trying to go deeply into feelings. That’s a language they haven’t learned and never want to know.
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One habit of my own depressed thinking was to assume that everyone I met had the same negative and contemptuous view of me that I did of myself. I projected my own shame into their minds and then retreated before the dislike I was sure they felt. It’s so strange to imagine that this could have been such a common occurrence, but it was. I stopped myself from reaching out because I “knew” these friends wanted to have nothing to do with me.
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Then there was the isolating drive of depression, the belief that I was in too much pain to face anyone – too lost in despair to move. I believed I could survive only by cutting myself off from everyone, yet that only intensified the feeling of having nowhere to turn. I ruled out the possibility that anyone could break through the wall I’d put up around me. The result was that I went more deeply into despair. Eventually, the crisis passed, but it wasn’t the isolation that had helped me survive. That only increased the likelihood that I might push myself over the edge.
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When feeling more numb than despairing, I could often get out and talk to people, even at social gatherings. But I became very nervous at what I might say. It wasn’t uncommon for me to make an attempt at getting to know someone or to get into a personal issue with a friend. But the words I found myself speaking were not at all what I intended. They had an edge to them, putting a jab into each pleasantry, souring a compliment with a sarcastic tone, or pouring out so much so fast that I sounded impossibly egocentric and uninterested in anyone but myself. I acted like someone I would never want to know. Of course, people could tell at once that I had “issues” and walked the other way.
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So often, I had to mix with people when I wanted only to hide. I made it hard for anyone to find me, no matter how many people might be in the room or how prominent my role was supposed to be. Emotionally, I lost connection with what was happening and just watched it go by. I felt so small and tried to be invisible. If anyone asked me a question, I’d become tongue-tied, or, if I tried to say much, the words and thoughts came with painful slowness. It was impossible for anyone to talk to me.
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At other times, anxiety and fear could hold me back from talking freely. Taking part in conversation was hard because I had to double-think everything I wanted to say. There was a danger in the simple spontaneity of conversation among friends – a danger for me of any uncontrolled talking. I had to reflect to get the words just so, and then would miss the right moment as talk flowed on to something different. It’s hard to imagine now, but talking freely felt risky, as if an inner violence might escape my control.
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Apart from all this, there was the natural reaction anyone might have at suddenly hearing from me when I was in need of someone to talk to. Wrapped up in myself and in depression, as I was, my reaching out was an attempt to meet my own need in a one-sided way. Not only that, but my friends would not find me at all even if they wanted to listen and offer support. I wasn’t the same person because I was driven by the strange, isolating rules of depression. Even if I didn’t want to be hidden, I was nowhere to be found.
All this added up to a comprehensive strategy for remaining friendless. And that’s what it was – a series of my own actions to keep me isolated from the help that friends might offer and pull me out of the life I’d had with them. This hit me one day when I was the one who was asked to listen to a friend in the midst of a terrible depression.
I met him at a restaurant for lunch one day, and I could tell at once that he had changed in a way that made him hard to recognize. Of course, he looked and sounded the same, but there was nothing in his words or reactions that was like my friend. He was lost, partly in rage, partly in despair.
When I tried to tell him the deep sympathy I felt for what he was going through, that only made him angry. More than that, I felt a deep rage boiling inside him as his eyes stared through me with steel intensity.
It was especially hard to see him this way since I knew I was looking at myself.
What has your experience been in trying to reach out to friends when deeply troubled?
Image: Some Rights Reserved by Ashley_Rose at Flickr
Hello,
I am 27 years old and already feeling like cancelling this post because i dont know exactly which part of my life made me this way. Was it being raised in partriarchal society with me being the only daughter or losing both my parents by 20 to cancer one after the other without much time to even wrap my head around. Moving around all my life and living in different places, forced to take up a career that conflicted with my personality. At this stage married with 3 degrees but depression has taken the better of me’ im constantly tired get loads of health problems which are all too confusing or maybe all inter related. Used anti depressants for 3 years only to make me a zombie and then having to deal with all thte horrendous withdrawal symptoms. I feel as if i have literally slipped out of life’ or atleast life that keeps you in the cycle where if people
Arent happy theyre atleast busy enough not to notice. I am a sociable person but do tend to not make an effort for meaningless relationships. I may or may not get bored. But i always feel deeply sad and almost like i donot fit into the model of the world that we do have now.
Its so encouraging to know that i am not the only one feeling this way. Although i have quite a bit in life i still get suicidal thoughts and have severe lack of motivation. Depression has really taken grip of me. One possible way of overcoming it is by moving to a new place. i have travelled to more than 40 countries and i am still 27. But right now i feel like life is going on a downward spiral and I have to do something to pull myself out of this rut or else it wont be long before i think of suicide on a serious note. Aby I would like to make friends with you and lets see if we can comfort each other by sharing our stories.
All your stories sound very much like mine. I’ve had ADHD \OCD since I was a kid. I just lost my mom in Jan. I’ve seen a lot of sickness and death since I was 9 and I’ll be 25 in July. It seems like everyone has just up and left me.
I think friendship is over rated. Society makes us believe we need friends or there is something wrong with us if we have no friends. I personally choose not to have friends because of how many of my past frendships turned out to betray and be disloyal to me. I always made friends easily and had many, times have changed though. In the past having friends may have been desirable, but in todays narcississtic society of selfies and trying to become an over night celebrity on YouTube I don’t find myself having much desire to allow strangers into my private life anymore – just watch Dateline, 20/20 and the many other shows that tell the stories of so many people who become the victims of so-called “friends” and new acquaintences they allowed into their lives. Juzt seems safer today to keep my circle small.
It sounds like most people (and yourself, John) have/had friends but somehow lost them because of the depression while I never really had friends in my life to even push away in the first place. A big reason why I’m so depressed is because of not having friends which translates into loneliness. Alone almost all the time with the exception of some time spent with family but even that’s rare since they are busy with their own individual families.
Another reason is that I don’t have the benefit of the support of a spouse. I am not married, despite deeply wishing I were. But I feel the reality of that coming true slipping away as I get older, at almost 39 now and my biological clock ticking. Not having friends is an awful thing but when you have a spouse, you have someone to lean on somewhat, in your depression. In the absence of both for someone like me, struggling to get through each day feels like such a battle.
I so glad I found thus site my crisis has been on going for the last 5 years, and now at its worst I decided that I cannot see future so this is it at the place where I am I settle everything up & go. The pain the PAIN all my life has come in one huge dump of so much loss it does not balance out I have given up trying to push through
I have read through a lot on this page and can somewhat relate to all of it, long story short, had friends lost them from self isolation, no job no energy, sleep more hours of the day/night than I do awake sometimes 2-3days asleep at a time usually only wake up because my body is aching only source of food is fast food – quick and inconvenient…. msg old friends on facebook, don’t get replies after they have seen the inbox’ get tagged in irrelevant meme photos quoting my name and a laugh with no acknowledgement of my comments sounds like I am venting but I am really just explaining the struggle in which ive grown numb to, best friend is an ipad family is to busy been like this since 20-21 y/o am now 28 I use to be a clean freak, OCD etc…now all efforts for personal hygiene are quite disturbing went from addicted gym addict with motivated lifestyle to a complete keg that gets heart palpitations performing simple tasks recent tests from an echocardiogram display the ugly truth I try talk to people but obviously sound like more of a liability than interesting – can honestly say with the health problems I have developed over the past few years from this dark illness that its all I really look forward to I know it sounds selfish but all I can really say in my defence is that it is a selfish illness – if anyone has a cure for this curse please feel free to share – sorry for wasting everyones time
It was not a waste of time. You (and me, and everyone who can relate to all of this) just need to find what it is that make sense to us. I have found myself isolating from my friends and family…it is not a good thing…maybe, if you are like me, we cannot talk to all of them to explain, but maybe we can find one person to be totally open to, and who listens to us and maybe give us some advice… I’m here if you ever need to vent. Have a nice day.
Hi Alex I’m at my witts end with my partner I feel I’m on a roller coaster one day he fine the next I don’t no what he feels for me if anything ..my partner has bad depression he don’t go out the house for days don’t speak to anyone ..we have long distance relationship and we speak every night sometimes he can’t be bothered and says he going cause he has nothing to say ..sometimes when I say I’m going to come spend time with him he seems to not really want me too I don’t no what to make of our relationship as I don’t no what he wants from me I tread on egg shells most of time for fear of giving him the hump this is making me sad ..he lost his wife 4 years ago and he sits and gets depressed about it all he also hasn’t got the relationship he would like with his daughter she don’t see him or replays to his calls etc ..I’m always there for him and he knows I love him but I feel sometimes he likes being in this depressed state that he feels guilty to be happy ..he sits in chair all day listening to the radio with his thoughts which brings him down and down I think he needs help I don’t understand how to help him ..its very hard loving someone that makes you feel that they don’t even care about you and your feelings ..I don’t want to give up on him as when I’m there with him he can be so different but sometimes he makes e feel he just wants me to go home ..this is affecting me I’m getting sad and feeling low I really don’t no what to do
Hi all..
I’m a fifty year old women suffering PTSD severe depression and anxiety, when I was 2 my father started sexually abusing me it didn’t stop till I was 16. Twice he made me pregnant and twice my mother “dealt”with it, I was 11 the first time and 13 the second. When I was 9 he used to invite his mates over and they would pay my father to spend time with me. This continued till I left home at 16. This all hit me 4 years ago and I became a useless member of society. I had never told anyone but my husband what had happened to me and I liked it that way, I was safe. Then he met my parents…2 years later we were divorced. I have two wonderful adult children with him which he only made contact with when they reached 18 and 20.
I am now having to move as my son is building a house with his girlfriend and apparently there is no room for me!
I have never been alone and I am completely terrified of being so.
Yes I have had therapy numerous times but they all say my PTSD will never go away, so what is the point??!!!! I have no friends no job and the one thing I would dearly wish to have is the feeling of being truly loved. I have been betrayed by my so called parents and I feel empty and defunct.
I know what you are all going through within your lives and I truly wish it wasn’t so, my love to you all and I really mean these words.
Please don’t become the empty shell of a person that I have sadly become.
Dear Cassie,
I have been moved to tears and stopped in my tracks by the extent of the trauma and suffering you have endured.You must be an incredibly strong person to have survived although you probably don’t feel that way right now.My sister was also abused by our father over the same age period you describe although she thankfully escaped pregnancy.
It upsets me that you have been told by ‘therapists’ that your very understandable PTSD will never go away as it implies that you will be unable to heal and no doubt induces feelings of hopelessness on your part.I believe that healing is possible and perhaps your current circumstances are providing you with the perfect opportunity to do that now, indeed it sounds as though you are almost being forced to do so which in the long run is a good thing.
I wouldn’t see the move as a loss but rather as an opportunity to give yourself and your life the attention and love that you so need.I wonder if the therapy that you received was from a centre or person that deals specifically with sexual abuse? I don’t know where you are in the world but i was able to locate a centre in my sisters city in the UK that provides free counselling sessions face-to-face or over the phone just for the survivors of sexual abuse.Also I would look into support groups either online or in person where you could share your story with sympathetic others and perhaps make some friends in the process.The other thing that comes to mind is that someone with your experience and clear compassion could really help others to heal and help to heal yourself in the process, have you considered training to become a counsellor yourself?
All is not lost for you Cassie and this is Your time to heal and develop a loving relationship with yourself first and foremost and start to fill the emptiness that you feel inside.
I know you didn’t ask for advice and i hope its been ok to say all this but i feel so moved by your story.I am thinking of you and sending you love.
p.s. I have also suffered with severe depression and anxiety for most of the last 20 years and recently started ‘The Artists Way’ by Julia Cameron which helps to uncover and heal your True self through creativity.It has been helping.X.
Hello R,
Thank you for your kind words and advice.
I am in Australia melbourne actually and I have been to 4 psychologists and 2 psychiatrists in the space of the 4 years, all of them say the same thing about never recovering and having to live with what happened to me the best I can.
I have a never ending empathy for anyone in the same position as myself and yes I have tried to obtain a bachelor of social sciences(counselling) but during the latter part of the year suffered a breakdown and the college felt it was best to cease study. I was devastated and the loss of my dream coming true made it clear to me that I was indeed useless. I should try again maybe by studying online, but am scared that I will fail yet again.
I want to thank you”R” for taking the time to write a reply to me. So take care of you and please continue on your road to healing as I shall also try.
X
Dear Cassie,
Its funny that you should be in Australia because my name is Roo! You made my day by responding because i had been worrying that maybe i had sounded condescending.
I also feel like a complete failure.I had used school as an escape from the horrors at home and managed to get a place to study law at a top university,then my parents went to prison,ironically,and i had to stay home to look after my 3 younger siblings.I deferred my place but found out later that it had been cancelled instead.
Since then it has been a slippery slope downwards and i have never been able to get it together again.I also tried to return to college last year but had to drop-out and i agree that this is devastating when your self-esteem is already so fragile.It brought a stark realisation though that i definitely am not ready and whether i want to or not I’m going to have to face the inner pain and old trauma and try to heal it somehow.
I also haven’t had much help through counselling and so it would seem that somehow we have to do it ourselves.There is that flicker of hope though that life can change suddenly and unexpectedly and we don’t know whats round the corner.So don’t give up!
Much love,RooX
Hello Roo!..
You sound like you have had it tough for a long time! You also should be very proud of yourself as stepping into the role of a parent to your siblings must have been difficult, but you have taken strength from within and have become someone they will look up to.
After reading your reply to me I took the bull by the horns and enrolled in an online Diploma of Counselling! You gave me a lot to think about in your reply, if I can help one person from suffering the ugliness and darkness of depression, anxiety or just feeling down then it will be so worthwhile.
I’m scared that I will fail again but I must try!! If I don’t try again and again I may as well just be in the ground.
As you say there is a flicker of hope that things can change suddenly and unexpectedly, and I dearly want this to be true for us both!!
Roo just keep bounding along and don’t give up ever, keep strong. Keep fighting!
Love Cassie xx
Dear Cassie,
Wow! thats such Brilliant news,I feel so proud of you! You made me cry again but this time from joy which is a very good feeling and i feel good about me too for actually being able to help in some way.
As my grandmother used to say, we have to ‘turn our shit into manure’ and helping others through our empathy and experiences is a good way to do that.
It wouldn’t let me post this under your reply so i hope you still get to read it.I would love to stay in touch as i feel some kind of bond with you and you have made a friend here {on the ‘no friends’ stream!} so if you would too my email is rooz06@hotmail.co.uk. But either way I wish you all the best on your journey and will be thinking of you.
Much love, Roo and Well Done You! X
Hi roo
Have tried to email you however they keep bouncing back to me
Hi Cassie,
Sorry to hear that and not sure why thats happening,the address is correct.Maybe there was a glitch so can you retry? Or alternatively if you post your email i will contact you {hopefully!}.I look forward to hearing from you,good luck! X { rooz06@hotmail.co.uk} btw it is zero 6 not letter o6
Hi Cassie,
I’m very sorry to hear the horrors that you endured during your childhood. I cannot relate to being molested, but will say that I know for certain I would have been if my mother had stayed with my father after I was born. The first time I ever met my dad, when I was about 10 years old, it was revealed to me that he was molesting a young girl that worked on his ranch, and she was only two years older than I. Just learning of that was traumatic for me, so I thank God every day that my dad was not in my life.
I would imagine that what your dad was doing to you created some issues with you and your mother as well. It sounds like your mom was very much in denial in many, many ways, not wanting to acknowledge the terrible things that were being inflicted onto you. I’m so sorry for this. Sexual sins are the worst, especially when young children are involved.
Your ptsd is quite normal I think for what you have been through, but it is also a sign that your instincts are on high alert and super sensitive. Try to see this as a protective measure, because ptsd can help its sufferers avoid further traumas. You’re probably quite good at reading the signs by now I would think.
My mom had five marriages, but I was only present for three of them. There was one in there that was very bad, and he used to try to watch me in the shower when I was younger. Shortly thereafter, he molested my younger half-sister when she was only about two years old, which was his full biological daughter. My mother got the courage and strength to leave him after that, but unfortunately, later went back to him years later. It was all very damaging to my family. The trauma bonds that sick men create can be very difficult to break, but it is those trauma bonds that create ptsd in their victims. And so the generational curse can unfortunately repeat itself.
I’m not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but I do have faith in God and Jesus Christ. The Bible is full of terrible things that happened to both men and women and innocent children, including incest. God hates those things, but He promises His people redemption and eternal life. Someday the order of things will be reversed for His people, and the wrongs that have been inflicted for sexual sins will be reconciled. Just because you feel weak and useless now does not mean you will always feel that way. God knows what is happening here, and He will make things right eventually, in His timing.
My ptsd is likely not on the same level as yours, but the only sanctuary I have found for dealing with it and minimizing it is by trying to stay close to the Christian church (not just any church). God is the only remedy I have found for my ptsd.
Also, a Christian woman I know that is highly esteemed in the community told me that her church had a former woman that was a member of a satanic occult. This woman had been molested by satanic occult members ever since she was just a young child, so her affiliation with this occult was not voluntary, but forced upon her by her parents. She ended up developing psychosis in her later years due to all of the traumas she endured. The good news is that this woman is apparently now living a completely fulfilling and much better life since she was healed by God several years ago. She even married a Christian man, and apparently wrote a book about it all. So please keep in mind that you are not alone, and my prayers are with you Cassie. God Bless.
Hi, I do not suffer with depression, once when I broke up with my child hood sweetheart, but my heart mended, so I have some knowledge of depression but not to the depths of which depression can lead to. My dearest, eldest friend suffers with Bipolar and over the last few years with a Border Line Personality disorder. On many occasions I have to step back as I simply cannot always cope with her expectations of me as her best friend. My dear friend has once again had her heart broken due to a failed relationship, we are now in our mid 40s so they have been a few heartaches and severe depression lows we have gone through. We meet up every Monday, usually at the gym for a workout & catch up, occasionally we socialise together but we put an end to that as non of my regular friends would put up with what appears to the outside world a very sour, bitter & miserable women, not exactly great company for a fun night out, as she would burden anyone who will listen to all her woes and who is currently making her feel bad. I am her only friend & it sometimes scares the hell out of me. Over the Christmas period, I failed to involve her with any of my plans, her Mum & son were with her & we dont normally get involved with each other families during the holiday season anyway, however, she is very upset and annoyed i have ‘abandoned’ her and I’m now dreading this evening catch up as she has alread;y warned me she needs to discuss my actions and how I have hurt her. I am tired of feeling guilty of as she puts it, always lucky in life and she always so unlucky. I’m scared that as the last man standing I feel like finally throwing the towel in after 30 years of this emotional rollercoaster. Please help. xx
Hi, your post sounds very similar to how I feel about my friend that I feel is so called “abandoning” me, yet we haven’t been on an emotional rollercoaster, as you put it, for the past 30 years. I wish my friend had a little bit of help in knowing what to do when it comes to these bipolar episodes that I occasionally have (failed relationships being a trigger for me as well) and sometimes it might be a good idea to have the input of someone who is going through said episode. I know that sometimes as a very depressed and emotional person that there is always one person in my life that I can count to and go to for everything, and that’s the same for loads of people. And to me it sounds like that best friend is you. I know that sometimes I feel annoying and maybe I feel like i’m pushing her away with all of my sadness, but at the same time all I’m asking for is someone to listen, to love me, not to fix me, but love me while I’m fixing myself. If that makes any sense. I do know that sometimes people feel overburdened because they don’t know how to fix it, or maybe they’ve never dealt with severe depression like your friend has. I would just like to say that you should definitely talk to her and urge her about getting professional help. Find a therapist that she can really connect with. She’s not going to like every therapist that she talks to. Also, don’t exclude her from outings. That’s possibly the worst thing you can do as it sets in those feelings of abandonment and worthlessness, especially after a breakup and especially when it’s your best friend that’s excluding her. As for the miserable company and you being her only friend, what does she like to do? Tell her to get involved in clubs, sign up for a class, whatever she likes to do get her to do something that involves other people where she can socialize and make friends. Most of the time people just need a kick in the pants by someone they care about to tell them to pull themselves together and really get out there. Don’t stop going to the gym with her, exercise is a wonderful depression relief. She’ll get the most out of it having you there. Overall, just be there. When you feel you have to step back, don’t. I know it’s overwhelming, but just take her to ice cream, to the beach, coffee, a phone call would even suffice, keep it short when you’re overwhelmed, but just let her know that you are there, even if you don’t necessarily want to be. 30 years is a long time to just throw in the towel, I’d be crushed if my best friend did that. Just stay strong, she won’t feel like this forever. All she really needs is a friend. Things will get better, okay? 🙂
p.s. Sorry this is so long, and I hope it’s not too late of a reply.
I am 28 yrs old girl and m feeling very lonely.. M the only child .. My mom expired 3 yrs before in a car accident my dad always busy in their in his life mostly on tour… Last 3 years m living with my servant..after my mom I worked in a bank my senior proposed me for marriage and I agreed but dad don’t like him coz he is near about my mom’s age but I convinced my dad and he said ok but when his parents come and discuss about our marriage date his parents start demanding dowry I was shocked because I really love him.. And didn’t stop his parents…and after that I cancel my marriage…. I really loved him… But now m so lonely,no job, no relatives come to my house no friends no one even not God is with me…. I don’t want to live…all doors are closed
I’m Jaclyn. I’m 26 years old and I’m horribly depressed…I have been for ten years. I was bullied since I was 9 years old…kids calling me fat, ugly, worthless….and no one ever wanted to talk to me. I didn’t have any “real” friends…just people who would hang out with me to make fun of me. At 16 I was in an organization and was being verbally abused by two adults so I quit…afterwards a group of kids I was in the organization with made a website about me called, “The Jaclyn Sucks” website. There were about 10-15 subscribers…the person who made it wrote these lengthy paragraphs each day telling me how fat, ugly, and stupid they thought I was and told me to kill myself…the other subscribers gave me ideas and put them on the site each day…they told me to hang myself, shoot myself, and breathe deep in a plastic bag…they said if they ever saw me at school they would kill me themselves. I made a pathetic attempt to choke myself…but it was stupid… the police I think or my brother got the site shut down. I started purging and skipping meals to try and lose weight…especially cause my twin brother kept calling me a fatfuck everyday…and my parents just turned the other way… but I ended up gaining weight from anti-psychotics and was bullied even more…all anyone has ever called me is fat and ugly. I somehow made it through college with no friends and dropping to 100 pounds from running 5 miles everyday…I had roommates but the situations were so terrible my dad had to call the school and get me moved three different times…one roommate called me a “nasty white bitch” and the other threatened to kill me. I never did anything to anyone. I became completely suicidal and these girls in my education classes made fun of me…they said I was gross, weird, and smelled. I gained about 50 pounds in 2013 from being in a mental hospital when they put me on an anti-psychotic. I got rid of everything in my room and was planning to commit suicide…I was there for a week. I’ve also been to an eating disorder recovery center…but got kicked out in ten days cause of insurance. Now, I have a job and I’ve lost 20 pounds from running, but I am so miserable. I live at home with my parents…I starve myself, and over exercise. No one will talk to me…no one ever calls or texts me. I absolutely hate myself…when I look in the mirror I am disgusted. I’m very ashamed and embarrassed constantly and I hate being out in public. I’ve seen more than a dozen therapists, been to outpatients and have been on every single pill you can think of and just stopped seeing a psychiatrist who called me fat. I know I’m not good enough for anyone…I don’t even deserve friends because I am a complete loser. To distract my pain I exercise, watch movies, and listen to music…I’m so lucky I have my parents…but I am worried…if I lose them I have no one at all and it scares me. Work is a good distraction…I work with special needs children and I feel slightly less worthless when I am there…I just hope the staff doesn’t see my pain. I put on a smile to hide it. I just wish there was some way I could make my life better…I don’t see myself living to be 35 or 40…not in this much pain. Thank you for listening…sorry it is a very depressing read.
Jaclyn.. Oh my.. I’m 29 years of age man. I have suffered for many years in isolation. I am not close to anyone on earth. No one should feel like you do EVER. Your post made me sad. For the length of your post I had forgotten the anguish I feel.
I am horribly lonely. My issues are plentiful and go back to when I was a boy. I don’t want you to go one more day feeling like you aren’t a wonderful worthy woman.
Juggernaut,
Thank you very much for your reply. You are a kind, caring individual and I am grateful for your response. I am sorry you have also suffered many years in isolation…it’s so hard when people say “you’re not alone, there’s tons of others like you out there” because I will never meet those people considering I have a hard time getting out of my room. It seems as though I live in a world where no one understands…people have told me, “you’re selfish…you have a good life” “you can’t deal with anything” “life’s not fair” “you want people to feel sorry for you” and “if you were a stronger Christian you wouldn’t be depressed.” All these kinds of statements have pushed me further away from society. Depression is a deep pain that comes from within and it’s so hard to relate to unless you suffer as well…and I am often angry because I don’t understand why I am always sad and most others aren’t. As much pain as i’m in I do have some positive things that happen…I just discount them. I like to go to Starbucks, and go shopping, and to the movies and stuff…it helps alleviate the pain for a few hours but then I usually go back to feeling really bad again…at least it helps for a few hours.
I’m sorry that you had a lot of issues when you were younger as well…it’s such a shame…a child should never feel so horribly bad and lonely. I felt trapped most of the time.
Thank you for your kind words…they truly mean a lot.
I’m Shawn have battled depression and anxiety since the age of 23 I’m 55 now live in California anyone needs someone to talk to I’m here please reach out now days I live a pretty normal life but still it haunts me from time to time please e mail me and then we can exchange numbers God Bless
like to talk to u im going through alot of depression thanks talk soon
I would like to talk to you Shawn you are around my age. I am having a tough.time and need someone to be phone friends with.
I grew up in a home with 4 brothers & parents who, since I can recall were constantly bickering and fighting . As I can remember, most of the arguments were because of me. I was the only daughter, so my dad protected like I was a diamond. My father spoiled me so much while my mom seemed as though she wished she never had me. Growing up with four older brothers I was constantly picked on and made fun of. If anything ever happened in my house my mom would say I caused/ provoked it to happen while my dad would defend me & punish my siblings. So yes my parents fought a lot over me, they didn’t know how to raise a female. It was new to them. But all I saw as a child was that there were five people in my house who didn’t like me and only one person who was happy to have me around. I became this kid that was so vulnerable, self conscious, and depressed. All my life everyone in my house told me to shut up! Or get out of here! Or go do this! Do that! And the only person in my corner was my father. I would cry my eyes out in his arms wondering why nobody else liked me, why I was treated differently, why I was so lonely. I grew up so alone, I didn’t have any girls cousins around, no aunts, no other female around but my mom . so she was the only example I had as to how to be a girl. Finally when one of my girl cousins came around and to stay, I was happy as can be. But in time I started resenting her because all my brothers and my mom seemed to love her. If they made jokes about her, they immediately followed it by “u know I’m just playing , u know we love u” things that were NEVER said to me. In my 21 years of life I have heard 3 of my 4 brothers tell me they love me about 3x … Whenever they joked about me they laughed & laughed & moved on to the next joke about me. Never did they say hey I’m kidding, hey you know we just mess with because that’s what brothers do…never… & that is why I have such low self esteem today … Everything they onced joked about stuck to my head & I believed that I was all those things. The one brother that would always reassure me that he loved me was never really around, he was the “black sheep” of the family so he didn’t receive much love either but to him it didn’t matter. But what he did see was my pain, he knew what it was like to be in that home. he was that brother that was I wished they all were. He passed away and everyday I wish he hadn’t , as terrible as it may sound I wished it would have been one of the others… Anyway one day when I was 13 yrs old my dad couldn’t take more of my mother , (she was a very damaged woman herself and that is why I think she didn’t know how to raise me), so he left.. He didn’t just leave the city or state..he left the country . I was so devastated, I began to throw my life away in many ways. My Brothers & mom saw this as me being rebellious but this was really me letting out my pain & screaming for help and love. I looked forward to the day when my mom would come to my rescue but she was the first to turn her back on me & then so did everyone else.I was in the streets for 3 years and no one stopped me to tell me what I needed to hear… My father from another country tried to reach me but a part of me was resentful because he wasn’t here to stop me, my only brother who showed me love, from a prison tried to talk sense into me but didn’t .. I was angry that the only 2 people who cared were too far away to help me or stop me. In those 3 years I lost all my “friends” I was completely lonely in the streets.. I honestly didn’t care for my life. I went through so much but yet my family was nowhere to be found, instead all my relatives were sitting around a table gossiping about how terrible I turned out to be & how awesome my other female cousin was compared to me. At age 16 I finally hit rock bottom & just as you guessed, no one was there to help me up. I became even more bitter and isolated. I shamed myself just as everyone else did . but then I met my angel. No lie I love this guy, from the moment I met him he was there for me. Knowing all I had done, knowing how weird I was, knowing that at that point everyone I knew didn’t like me. He stood by me through it all & til this day I always wonder why he did… As I said growing up in my house love wasn’t something my family showed … Even less to me! So its been hard for me to understand why he loves me. I know I am not outgowing, really im an introvert, I’m self conscious , I’ve got a bad temper, I cry toooo much I’m very sensitive!! I really hae how all my childhood has affected my adult life. I rather be alone than with a group of people, I rather be home than a party… I still don’t understand how I found a wonderful man, maybe its God’s way of saying I need to stop dwelling and be happy, maybe this is him saying I know all you have suffered now its time to be happy… But its so hard for me to be a happy normal person… I have 2 kids now and all I want is to be the beat mother to them but all I know is what my mom showed me, which is anger, sadness, hatred, favoring a son, killing a daughters self esteem, seeing all the negative… I’ve been trying so hard to change because I do not want to be that mother but how can I make my husband understand that if I am this way its not because I want to be, but because regardless of how much I try, this is all I know…??? I know I mixed up everything in here I’m just pouring my feelings for the first time. I don’t know if anyone relates but it did feel good to let some of it out. Deep down somewhere I know I love my family I just don’t think I’ll ever genuinely feel it in my heart to say I love u to any one of them… Whenever I get sad over the most little thing , my mind always drifts back to my childhood memories and how miserable I was.. I don’t know why I do that to myself its just something that has happened since an early age… I hope u all can find the happiness and self love that you need just as I am looking for mine.
Beautifully written and a heart touching story! I can definitely relate as I was the youngest girl of six boy siblings. One real brother and five stepbrothers, two of whom abused me sexually, not to mention a mentally I’ll step mother amongst other family issues on my mothers side. Anyway, I too go through life without believing I am worthy of real love and friendship. Even though I know I deserve it, my subconscious reacts negatively at good and positive things that happen as if I’m telling myself “you don’t deserve that, shun that” Gahhh! Oh how I wish I could truly believe the opposite for myself! But, I’m telling YOU the opposite, “You are worthy, you are an amazingly inspirational person to have gone through all you did and come through well educated and philosophical…and you do deserve the man you spoke of!” Now, if I could only take my own advice all would be well. Be happy friend 🙂
I have read all the posts and it makes me mortified that there are so many people like me. And while some are still looking for hope and a change, i have given up. I have decided that my life is only going to get worse and i worry about my older years. I am 43 years and the only thing i actually look forward to in my life is to sleep it away and one day die.
I can’t help but feel jealousy at the happy people. Happiness was not something i knew until i had my kids and i love them. But i can’t help feel that i am destroying their lives in some ways. I will not leave my home unless i absolutely have to.
I’ve shut myself off from the world. I will never ever feel love through a relationship of a normal couple. I have given up and everyday i only want to die.
I am afraid of people judging me, don’t pick up on social cues and couldn’t tell if someone flirts with me to save my life. My self loathing is so much that i no longer feel feminine or cute or witty. I’ve lost the little bit i had socialized into myself.
I am just wasting away. And want no pep talks or telling me to wait that better times are coming. I’ve waited so long and it’s never happened. I give up.
Hello Victoria. I am replying to you because I can relate to much of your post. I am about to turn 43, however have also reached a point of hopelessness and like you I look forward to sleep more than anything, and also to death. I also used to be able to put on a vivacious front, was always considered attractive. It might have something to do with our age because I have completely lost my sense of femininity and belief that I will attract a partner. However, something you wrote shows the vast differences in how our lives panned out. You said you never felt happiness until you had your kids, whom you love. I wanted children very much, I feel having them would have saved my life. Now it’s too late for me, and comments like yours just remind me again of how pointless my life has been and is. I am at the end of my life, I don’t have hope anymore, but if I had children I would hang on for dear life. Without them depending on me, seems I have no reason to hang on to life.
Hi Nancy,
I am 53 year old woman attractive or at least I use to be I also could not have children my depression has been with me since age fifteen and has taken all my friends and most of my family except my sister who lives out of state I feel so alone and the stigma that comes from this illness is awful as I feel I am damned if I talk about it and damned if I don’t. Sleep is my escape and my two cats have saved my life more than I can count.
I wish all of these people on here lived close by so we could perhaps go walking together and talk walking helps me as I am allergic to antidepressants but reading what people are saying here helps me to know I’m not alone.
Lisa I feel for you especially since you can’t take antidepressants.I was the same just could not tolerate the 10 or so I tried until I was told about CIPROLEX which melts under your tongue. I started with 1/4 tab for almost a month then 1/2 for a few weeks now I take it about every other day 10 mg tablet.
It has helped me so much as it does not make me feel remotely spaced out ,just level.
I hope you will have a look because nobody needs or should tolerate sodding depression and few seem to understand how bad it makes things. I too wish people lived close by we could all start a meetup type group and go out and be nuts together ,lol I mean discsuss and support each other.
All the Best to you,
BP
Victoria – I’m a little older than you but I know just how you feel – I’m there myself.
Hi Victoria, you sound exactly like me. I am 44, fat and friendless. Where are you? I’m in Qld, Australia.
Victoria;
You wrote my story. I have suffered depression for many years … MDD and no treatment help. Last 3 years, I am far worse, and feel as you do … finally lost all family and all friends … don’t know how much longer I can hang in there. Until 3 years ago, I had MDD and it was tough, but I had periods of remission and even days that we better than others. Functioned, but never able to really work outside of home.
What hurts is that I gave so much of myself to so many (family and friends) and when I could no longer function and became homebound and severely depressed and with thoughts that are unmentionable, I then lost them all. Never expected them to bail on me (especially the closest of them) but they all did.
I feel like the only person in the world like this. I cannot find one single site on the internet where people share about this in any forum. Most people can be treated successfully most of the time with drugs.
I want it all to end and truly … no one would care … they have shown me that. I feel so very hurt and even angry which is a new one for me as I never was like that before.
Does anyone want to to email. I know if I post it here, this will not be printed so is there any way to make contact? Does anyone know of a website or have a blog or is anyone even interested? Maybe the support and knowing we are not alone would help?
I would be willing to leave a throwaway email such as hushmail as you cannot trace whre the person is writing from. Very easy to make one up … one minute … and is free. I will check back to see if anyone is interested.
Thanks.
JJ
Hey there JJ,
I have been dealing with my own struggles for years and while I am still fighting to overcome what ails me, I am beginning to find incredible hope through quality professional help, support from interpersonal relationships, and a significantly improved perspective on life and towards myself. I am ultimately at the beginning of the healing process, but I’m doing pretty darn well considering where I was emotionally and functionally in the more distant and even recent past. For the longest time it seemed hopeless. If I could tell the earlier version of myself that I’d be where I am today, that past ‘me’ would laugh at me in total disbelief!
I think it’s mature and makes a lot of sense to want to reach out. I feel that if people hit rock bottom, and are lonely, and are willing to share their personal experiences here it would only be rational to want to connect. Lonely individuals all isolated from one another makes no sense to me. Thus the beauty of the internet if you know how to be safe. While most posters may not feel up to hitting the town or joining clubs and organizations and volunteering and getting out there to confidently introduce themselves to strangers, I feel this may be something a few DO feel up to, and an easier way for those who are depressed to reach out. I believe the risk is small and that emails are allowed to be provided here.
Also IF ANYONE READING THIS WANTS A FRIEND FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME!! =) I’m pretty down to earth and enjoy connecting with and giving and receiving support with those who can understand and empathize a bit.
~Anthony
It may help to include my email wouldn’t it? Haha.
It is afcatania@comcast.net
I’m the same 57 single and no friends or family that i can count on. perhaps i get a phone call every 3 weeks . Unless i go to the gym or a coffee shop, i can go weeks without speaking to anyone, i’m thinking that as i get older life just isn’t enjoyable and seriously thinking its not really worth carrying on
I can commiserate with you all. I’m 28 years old and dealing with depression/loneliness. Last year, I moved to the other side of the country away from family. I have no friends here and am now unemployed. Old college friends drifted because we’re in different stages of life and I’m very far away. Most of my friends have families now. I feel worthless and pathetic, but I continue to try to get my life on track and find a job. I’ve been trying to be positive, but due to recent events, I’ve been feeling at my worst. My old college “friends” planned several get-togethers and did not think of inviting me. I’ve been the one trying to keep in touch, text, etc, since I moved, but they don’t really reciprocate. They claim they forgot to invite me since I’m not in town. It makes me really sad seeing photos of them all and even angry because I brought a couple of them into our group. It sucks feeling forgotten, being left out and knowing that none of them care. The one girl who was supposed to be my best friend told me that I am ridiculous and dramatic after telling her how I felt. I decided to go under the radar for a while. Hopefully, it’s not too late to get new friends and improve my current status.
I have bipolar disorder and no friend right now. I used to have friends, but then after I tried living with my true self (the depressed troubled type instead of the usually smiling and agreeable type) they drifted away. They don’t understand my problem and I don’t think they are really my true friends. So here I am, 25 years old and feeling totally alone. I wish I could find someone to marry and start a family. I tried meeting people, but it’s so pathetic to admit that i have no friends.
Sorry I don’t mean to post on urs… I was trying to share my story for the first time and got mixed up… I hope u r doing ok though. Don’t be to hard on yourself, most people don’t get to see how thoughtful we really are and how much we desire to help.. We are just a little different . and its not our fault. I am 21 with no friends either so I know what you mean. Pray to God and I swear you feel better…. I hope I helped in some way… Take care.
Hi Jen. I’m 25 too, also bipolar and also friendless. Email me if you’d like to share stories and maybe be there for each other 🙂 merselago@yahoo.com
Really good article I am in the same debacle myself. got myself isolated through relationship mistakes in the process of figuring out myself…My problem was when I was little I never learned to interact with people well or normal atleast I was never the one who was able to enjoy things with my hopeful group of friends who all partied together regularly. I was there on occasion but I never really spoke ..thus I was a nuisance and by association with one friend in the group was the only thing keeping my social ties with the rest. Since 11 or 12 porn became a big influence in my life without my knowledge of its impact whatsoever. until my 3rd year in college I didnt really understand how that ruined every relationship I wanted to engender (even a relationship with a woman at age 14 – 15) . Today i am still struggling with the addiction although managed to make big break throughs in the past 2 years (my final years in college) with 3 month 4 month and 5 month sexual abstinence . it keeps coming back without me being able to find a real mate for myself…I self medicate which is not good but its Kratom so not too unsafe but still I wish I could be happier and be with friends I dont understand how I have gotten where I am today. Porn was the main culprit though…
Thanks for the article is was really well written,
I’m feeling so low right now and glad I found this website. I am such an insecure needy person and I feel I push people away by being this way. I can’t remember a time I have been happy for more than a few weeks. Two years ago I met a wonderful man who I grew in love with but now Sod’s law (because I can never just be settled and happy) I’m feeling as though I fell out of love with him which is not what I want cause he is my best friend. My other “friends” use me, make excuses not to see me, never there for me and/or make me fe worse. I thought he was my answer he loves the bones of me and I was very attracted to him and it’s now with a heavy heart I feel I don’t feel the same . But I can’t leave because I would be miserable and lost like I was before him. I just want to die.
For 20+ years I had a best friend. I was always there for her. I put myself a side and gave gave and gave. Well a few years ago I became depressed. I’ve been on different types of meds. I’ve felt better and then I’ve felt worse. Throughout it all I’ve been diagnosed with various deficiencies that have made me tired. It takes all I can do to make it through the work week and then crash over the weekend. I’ve been so tired. All of the meds including high blood pressure meds just drained me. My anti-depressant name brand is now off patent and has become generic. The generic doesn’t work for me so now I’m trying to discover what will. But through my ups and downs my best friend just doesn’t understand me. Now that I have been unable to be there for her she puts up walls and shuts me out. When I’m feeling like my self I participate in activities but I don’t feel welcome. In fact I feel like I am being punished by her putting up these walls. I used to think that this was all in my mind that I am the cause of the rift in our friendship but I now realize that it isnt. I think it is sad that people judge you differently when your have mental challenges than if you have a physical disease. And when you are already struggling it’s sad that this is when you find what true friendship isn’t.
Great comment but sad story Joanne,my story is similar though as a guy.It’s as simple as this most’ normal’ or non depressed people haven’t got a clue what it is all about and just how devastating it can be. They don’t wish to be around us because they consider us all too negative or they worry we are going to go off in public and embarrass them when in actual fact most of us are quite normal except that we’re sad or don’t see a lot of hope due to no encouragement.
A real friend will give you that and at least be a shoulder to lean on and listen.
All the Best ,
BP
I find that number 1 is what I experience the most. and number 2 following close behind. I try to reach out. I KNOW that I need to interact with others, to vent and get things clear in my head in order to move past the depression… but there’s no one there. Not even in my own home. I feel myself shriveling up a little more every day and wonder when it’s all just going to snap.
well im sad, depressed, foreveralone- I can not have friends a gf, or let alone get married cause im well different. I hate my life, take that back as I do not have one. \
I stopped seeing my psychiatrist because she/he only suggested do not give up on my goal to find a gf, bull s***. for the past two years ive tried numerous online dating sites including match.com, eharmony.com, even tried signing up for life mates Canada.com, I never f***in heard from em,
what im most sad about is that I found someone when I was still in school over 5 years ago, she was the one, but I just had to blow it, i now believe it was because im autistic and was not supposed to have found love, letalone know what it is. well i have decided to give up completely on finding love, not happy one bit about it.
well ive been searching to find som kind of help on ask.com and this frickin article was all i could find.
i really doubt this will do anything for me, get my hopes up only to crash back down, dragging my mood down as well.
wont be the first time, doubt the last time i falsely got hopes up to crash to rock bottom
im asking my self why im even writing this thing, only doin more harm i guess by falsely gatin hopes up to crash back down o well so be it,
well now time for other internet users to criticize me, cant wait
Well Jared, I’m not here to criticize you, ha. I totally feel you, and you can have one friend now if you like. =) Like so many other commenters here, I’m amazed at how much I can totally relate to all these posts, (read through most of them) like different versions of my story with similar pain and frustration, just different circumstances. Yours really resonated with me though, because as much as the other posts really spoke to me and helped me to put things into perspective when I no longer thought that was possible, and as much respect as I have for these strangers, well.. I’m simply just not 30+ with kids and a spouse or marriage history. No. I’m 23, no friends, never married, no significant other, and have finally stopped denying how lonely I’ve become. Reading through novel-length forum posts instead of talking to a real person gets old. But hey, if you want a friend, shoot me an email! afcatania@comcast.net.
Man this makes me sad and angry to read this. I feel for you because you just get treated so badly and you don’t deserve to be. I do agree that finding a woman nowadays or vice versa is incredibly tough. I’ve tried dating, too, through online sites, but did me no good. You won’t get any abuse from me for your situation. In fact, I think you’re very brave.
I was bullied for five rotten years at college and it wore me down so badly. Even the teachers got in on the act and it was horrid. I had to try and get through each day as sanely as possible, yet completely messed up my social circle. Now I find I enjoy my own company even more.
Tbh, I find it very hard to trust people because of my experiences …
However, that doesn’t mean as an individual you are worthless because of this. If a woman or man cannot see the good in you and what you have to offer, it is their loss. You are a good person. Don’t lose too much sleep over this. You need to find something you enjoy and build on it. I mean, I am a puzzle fan and found a group of lovely individuals who I talk to regularly and it’s made me feel valued. It’s helped me to some degree put the difficult past behind me but I must openly admit that I harbour resentment at times for it, but knowing its unhealthy for me only strives me to concentrate on the here and now rather than then.
In short, don’t ever say you don’t have a life. You DO! If a potential interest in the romantic sense, or even the platonic cannot see through you and see what a good person you are and what you have to offer, they aren’t worth knowing. Sometimes I worry because I am 32 and I am still a virgin and people tell me I am a failure. Now I just say bull and live my life in a way which makes me happy. Sex, for example, will not dictate whether or not I have had a fulfilling life from my p.o.v., rather than what other people think. I may be on my own, but I have learnt to accept the hand I have been dealt and make the most of opportunities that come my way. Just remember life is one big game. You play it at its own and you will win if you don’t allow life to get the better of you.
Don’t so anything desperate because you are worth much more than that and if you ever need to talk and that would go for anyone, I am always here to listen. My best wishes to you. Regards, Robin.
My names lucy I’ve read all of these comments it’s hard going through depression. I’ve been through depression and it haunts me now I’ve been sexually abused by my biological father and I became a alcoholic because of it I’m only 25 I was rushed to intensive care as my livers failed and after was sent to a mental hos as I couldn’t cope I because better and found a bf and a job it was nice at the start of my relationship now my partner thinks he owns me and is very possessed over me and I don’t know how to cope without him he has been there since I have for better but I can’t cope with him being mean he tells me to go and fuck my father what shall I do
Up until the moment I read this the things you stated hadn’t crossed my mind. Thank you for that. Tremendously. You have no idea how much reading this has helped me.
I’m a single 42 attractive woman that has absolutely no friends. I have been immediately dropped, suddenly accused and blamed for untruths or misunderstanding of my intentions whenever I’ve become close with someone. I certainly apologize for making mistakes yet I remain hated. I used to be extremely social but have done at least 1 thing to most acquaintances that was judged harshly that they no onger speak to me. The loneliness is nearly unbearable and when I do attempt to get to know someone, I invite myself by asking if I can join and keep in contact all while feeling extreme insecurity and stupidity. I am not good at socializing anymore and it seems to be getting worse. I cry ever single day. My life changed drastically due to an emergency back surgery in 2010. Over the past 4 years and now needing yet another level 5 back surgery, I have lost everything and I’m currently at a poverty level I never imagined. This increases my depression, anxiety, insecurity and greatly limits what I can afford to do, not to mention my physical inabilities which greatly impact walking and standing. I feel like I’m sinking deeper & don’t know where to find friends that will accept me as I am.
Hello Jenn,
I just wanted to respond so you knew someone was out here reading/listening to you and that you are not alone! I can totally relate to loneliness being unbearable. I feel the same way. I am lucky to have a few friends to talk to, but it is difficult when so much of your life is in turmoil and you don’t want conversations to focus too much on your own problems. Three years ago my husband of over 20 years filed for divorce unexpectedly, moved out within a couple of weeks, and we had to short sell our house as I couldn’t assume the mortgage on my own, so I lost a home I had been paying on for over 2o years. Nothing to show for it and had to walk away. 3 months later, my company downsized, and everyone in my dept was laid off. After 21 years, I was unemployed for the first time ever. I’m now 55, renting, and just lost the second of 2 jobs I’ve had since the big layoff. I was ‘ fired ‘ from both due to performance issues/ low numbers ( I’m in outside sales ) and am now struggling to job hunt once again with very low self esteem and fighting depression. Anyway, I know our situations are not the same, but wanted to let you know once again, please don’t feel totally alone. Your story touched me and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you!
email me anytime you need a friend :-))
dedikayted@gmail.com
~Kay
Hi Jenn, it sounds like it maybe the type of person you are attracting as ‘friends’ and then making it your fault when it goes wrong (because that’s what they (narcissists) want you to think. Let me know if this ebook helps (helped me no end – light bulbs going on all over the place). Sarah (we can be friends if you like 😉 )
http://letmereach.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/npd.pdf
Hey I need a friend.email me.I’m 50 never married.never really been able to make friends and sometimes I feel so lonely.someone up for a chat would be great
Hi Jill, i am also in my 50s like yourself..single..no family. I have no friends and life is hard sometimes to even open the front door and go out. I would love to have a good friend just to go shopping with. If you would or anyone would like to chat send me an email.
Lack of means totally exacerbates a depressive state. I can certainly sympathize with your situation. If you just want someone to vent to, feel free to email me
I am 20 years old, and have been 3000 miles away from my family and friends for a year now. I work full time, 8-12 hour days Monday through Friday, I’m up at 5:30 every morning and in bed by 9. I have no friends here, just friendly co workers who never invite me anywhere. Why didn’t I just stay home and go to school. Now I feel like I’m never going to do anything in life except work to barely make it by. I live with my boyfriend but he doesn’t understand. He is lucky and just a happy person. Life is getting me down.
Hi Aurora,
I have been in a similar situation to yourself when living in New York away from my family in Australia. All I can say is, I was like this for four years before I made changes and went back home to study. I regret not moving back earlier. If I had just been able to be honest with myself about how unhappy I really was, I would have made changes earlier. It’s not too late – I wish you the courage to make the decisions you need to make to be happier and healthier in your life.
Oh and just to let you know I have been struggling with depression for about 7 years. My darkest days were in New York when I was away from my family though – I was suicidal there and not in a good place. Moving back improved this immensely as did getting doctor’s and counselor’s help.
I am a 40 year old single lesbian, I do not have kids and I don’t have any deep friendships. Even my relationship with my family is shallow. I work, come home, waste time and go to bed. I am back in school so that’s giving me something to do. I’m sad and lonely. I’m attractive and lots of women try to get with me but it’s never the women that I want. It’s not like anything is wrong with them I just don’t connect. I feel I don’t connect with anyone. People are always talking to me at work but they have lives after work. People like me on facebook and my posts get lots of likes but I never connect with these people outside of facebook. I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t know how to connect with people. I try doing things like working out or going places but I start feelings pathetic and desperate. I don’t know what is wrong with and ask people to tell me what it is and they just say nothing is wrong, you’re nice and cool. And I’m thinking well why don’t you like me, call me or invite me anywhere.
Hi Dell,
I think it takes courage to reach out to others and say, hey, why don’t we get together for coffee sometime? Chances are, people are thinking the same thing but are too shy to ask. Also, you are a unique person and worth getting to know. Be yourself – but you have to reach out to others – they are just waiting to connect too. I would strongly suggest taking up a hobby or volunteering, or taking a class of interest. I met lots of people through school, volunteering, and art group, even though I’m mature age. Just find something that interests you as a hobby, cause you’re passionate about to volunteer for, or something new to learn and people will be there too! You can connect over common interests. Don’t give up and don’t settle for having no friends, I’m sure there are people out there who also are waiting to make a friend, I know many people who have room for more friends as they are quite shy too.
Also, people probably don’t not like you, it’s definitely negative self perception creeping in there. You have no real way of knowing what’s going on in another person’s head until you ask.
I didn’t see the word ‘bullying’ anywhere in the article or the posts. I’ve been bullied, ridiculed, and socially rejected or ignored most of the time for the length of my life that I can remember. As a guy, I was told or expected to ‘fight back’ if I was being bullied or ridiculed. Unfortunately, that was bad advice for me; it’s always made a bad situation worse.
I lived with few or no friends throughout childhood, declining eventually to zero in young adulthood. The result is that I’m introverted, lonely, anxious, and depressed. To me, this all seems like a natural process that I didn’t have any control over. I find it best now to ‘play defense’ at all times and do whatever I can to avoid situations that I can anticipate will cause me any more mental and emotional pain.
Bullying probably seems to many of my age that it’s overhyped in the media as a social problem in schools; it seems like one of the signs that America’s ‘gone too soft’. After all, aside from the added bad influence of social media, bullying and social rejection/isolation aren’t new; when I grew up, nobody would’ve even thought about bringing up the subject. It was just part of life.
I doubt I’m the only person with this type of life story. The only way to feel better is not to beat myself up over it. No one asks to be born.
Hey Arne,
I am 20 years old and I am going through the same. Being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder seemed to be the start to a solution, but it only became a title, a word. I was bullied, tormented, used and abused by people in my school years and by my alcoholic/drug addict mom. What she did and said was the worse. I literally fear going anywhere and fear having a conversation with anyone (even virtually/text based) because the expectation of them losing interest and the fear of rejection because of the years I spent being told, programmed into what I am…I understand what you are saying. I do.
Hey there Sierra,
So I’ve now officially read through all the posts and comment threads here and pretty much clicked with Arne’s above more than most, as surprisingly inspirational as they all have been. That is until I read your reply. That is totally me, specifically the last sentence, like BIG time! I’m 23 btw. I think there are both direct and indirect forms of bullying. I’ve experienced lots of both. So sorry to hear what you’ve been through. And I totally feel you on the concept of diagnoses being just titles and words. I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The fear that others will reject me or lose interest has become worse because of all the rejection and pain I’ve actually been through regarding that. Idky they had to be that way. It leaves an emotional scar. I’m trying to work through that with the hopes that at least a few people out there are chill and will get it and who feel the same way. If you’d like to chat, hit me up. =) We can mutually “deprogram” ourselves, ha. afcatania@comcast.net
Arne, you can totally hit me up too if you like! It was your post that really first caught my eye.
Arne,if you’re still keeping track of this comment please email me..I know exactly where you’re coming from..i was bullied all through school and into adulthood visiting Therapists all the while.I had one best friend in my life,he was just like me,same interests and all,and also like me, was bullied and harassed his entire life. He eventually became entrapped in relationships with women that wound up verbally abusing him and one in particular set him up for a long Prison stay wherein he’s stuck til he’s 6o..He’s 39 presently.Since i lost him as a best friend,i have no friends at all now.Nobody has the same interests so when i engage in doing anything i like, i’m alone doing those things..I’m bullied all the time still(verbally mostly) because I’m pretty obsessed with watching movies and collecting and listening to music and watching music videos and nobody i know is into those things much..People are wrapped up in family,kids and living the life of ‘maturity’..and most people that are old enough to marry and have kids,consider being obsessed with tv movies and music a kid or teenage thing.. and they consider people who still are into those things as ‘immature’ or not ‘grown up’ yet. I was bullied and physically hit not just in middle school but also was verbally intimidated all through high school..My parents always told me it’s best to tell on somebody and get them in trouble as opposed to defending myself as that would just cause more ‘trouble’..i was always taught to never hit back or defend myself..I’m now unemployed due to a sleep disorder (delayed sleep phase disorder) and hang out all hours of the night in a local diner while sipping on coffee and have absolutely no friends..People view receiving disability payments for a disabilkity that can’t be seen as being unjustly on welfare..i don’t make much money but have a lot of possessions ,from having one family member that gives generously on birthdays and Christmases.Life is hard because people that i meet eventually find that i don’t work and of course women don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy that isn’t going to be employed and working for a living.doesn’t matter what the reason is, because they want someone who will be able to support them and take them out more often than what i’d be able to do..I know where your coming from from for sure..All that bullying has caused me a life of unemployment and lonliness..i was really young and it continued through my adult life with what one would call being rednecked on.
Arne,i forgotto type my email–it’s djteel@mail.com
I am 45, at this time in my life I am unemployed, financially almost destitute. Do have a brother and sister , who I never hear from.
Early when I was younger it was tough for me to feel hurtful , negative things that were directed right at me. And would end up not wanting to be around others that did that, because I did not want to feel it again. Kids can be cruel, and I got alot of that while at school.
Have I given people forgiveness, yes. Things are still hard to forget.
I believe I hate myself for what I have become, and never felt like I was any good, since I was younger.
Another thing that happened was while younger i starting to have Epilepsy, a neurological condition, which i still have to this day.
Other things that were obvious at times, was my Mother who was constantly screaming at times. She had bad depression and still does do this day. Somewhere I feel, I was telling myself I was to blame for how she was feeling. She also had Epilepsy while younger. And from what I heard, dealt with parents that were always fighting.
I may not be one that is open to listening from people. That might be because of how i closed people out and never gave some a chance and thought there was never any love to receive.
I am passive aggresive as my Dad is, he would never interject anything. Don’t recall ever doing anything with him much. DAD/SON stuff.
My Mother was leechy, and could not let go of my Dad and always needed to be nearby to him.
Other times while living with them, I would constantly hear complaining from her. I don’t know what should be right or wrong, but any two that are married, I had thought it would be best leaving quarrels in the bedroom, but that didn’t happen in our family.
all of us heard anytime when she is upset. And it never fealt good.
I became very needy younger, with my Epilepsy I didn’t not have luxuries like others(driving). And anytime that would be asked to some to help me, all thought it was intrusive of their space and wanted me to leave them alone. Anyone, friends, siblings. sometimes harshness sounded from my parents.
Most recently I had lost two jobs. No one to really console with, parents live nearby but never ask anything really. They don’t want to know, or they are scared to even ask.
I can get defensive,when being told what to do. but when it is said this is how it should be done, rather than in a suggested way it feels like that way or the highway.
I did find it was very good to have a dog for comfort whne troubling times would be. But that ended up being stopped. My Mother , as I recall, told me let me have your dog. It is best we take care of him in case anything bad happens. I didn’t have options like driving it to the vet if needed, i guess. But they didn’t want to even get to that point to see if there would be a problem.. Which didn’t give me any self confidence at all. So mostly I would not tell them about anything I did. Because of how I didn’t want to hear accusations that what i was doing was wrong.
So I am at a stopping point now, not sure what to do. I am looking for groups to discuss things and be with. Depression, anxiety areas. But with my limited transportation. I sometimes don’t even want to look to see if there might be anything.
I don’t give other people a chance. And have major trust issues from early on in life. I think alot of this is obvious and some just don’t want to ask because they know of how bad stuff might be.
There is alot more, but at this time I am needing to find a way to get out of my depression state, but unsure to fully disclose this to my folks because of ramifications that may come up if they might not be understanding or not.
Hi Todd,
You might just want to see what I have gone through. Some of it mirrors very closely. We can pm if you’d like on that forum. It just might help. I know the thread is really long, but just read the first post.
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/topic/8094/Updated-Response-destroy-cherish-2-Jan-2013Mar
Todd,
You write that you hate yourself for what you’ve become. First, don’t hate yourself! You say you’ve forgiven others even though there are things that are hard to forget. Give yourself a lot of credit for that. Many people can’t make it that far. I can’t. Don’t beat yourself up over your current circumstances, and don’t see yourself as ‘at a stopping point’. Life goes on. I hope things take a turn for the better for you. Don’t give up.
I am 42 years old. I have no meaningful friends and rely on my husband and children for companionship. I have had a trying life: divorced parents at two years old, addicted step parent, clinically depressed other step parent, sexually abused as a child by more than one person, cheated on repeatedly etc, etc. …since my practical existence I have avoided close relationships because I am afraid of being hurt physically or emotionally, yet at the same time my soul yearns for just that: a meaningful relationship with a friend who wants nothing of me but to give and receive friendship. But because of my childhood upbringing, I find myself literally unable to be comfortable in a potential friend’s presence. In my own minds eye it’s because I am so starved for companionship that I try to make myself too perfect and end up sabotaging my efforts. The person likely see through me into the depressed soul that I am or is scared off by my awkwardness, because no matter how amiable I am, rarely a friendship develops. In addition, I am a stay at home mom and work from home, but the business I’m in does not alot for real interaction with people, my husband works six days a week, my teens are involved in extracurricular activities and friends, and though I connect with my toddler, I cannot expect the nurturing and support I need from a child. I’m supposed to be that for her, and I am. I’m a lonely stay at home mom who longs to connect with someone who can relate. My husband is great around others but prefers to stay home most of the time, however in the event that one of his co workers invites us over I feel excited and anxious all at once. In social situations I look forward to going but find once there I feel awkward and nothing comes to mind to say, especially to strangers. On top of that it makes me feel more of an outcast because generally everyone knows everyone, except for me and I find it extremely difficult if not impossible to insert myself into conversation. Small talk comes very difficult to me and it shows, my therapist says it’s because I’ve learned through experience to be so guarded my brain freezes when it comes to natural conversation. As Mo said, I censor myself. I’m always two steps in my head analyzing, when I should just be enjoying the moment. Easier said than done! I end up being perceived as stuck up, when I am anything but. I even find it difficult to open up on here, like I shouldn’t be bothering you good people.
Oh my gosh i cant believe you are telling my story! I’m also a SAHM of 3 and have woken up to realize i have no friends…i have spent all these years dedicating my life and energy to my sweet kids who are so much fun but are growing up and will be moving on soon. I will be left with nothing but incredible memories because while i was completely loving being a mom, i forgot how important it was to build relationships… The anxiety that came from all that just made me want to shut down. And I’m a nice looking, normal-seeming girl.. I have no idea how people see me but i find i am never really sought after, when it comes down to other women and friendships. I just shut down and enjoyed the love from my family…and loved my family bunches!
But to wake up and realize how i havent built any kind of sweet, caring network of friends that i could share all the fun times with…its so painful and shameful. I have no one to share this with.
I’d love to talk, to hear how we are in many ways so much alike in our pain is really surprising, because i feel so alone in this.
I recommend brene brown to you both. She’s taught me how to live wholeheartedly. Please try her. It changed my life and relationships.
http://www.ted.com/speakers/brene_brown
Don’t give up and don’t feel you are over. These things happen to everyone. These things don’t discriminate against age or sex. Think of it. I’m a 25 years old man who has no one because do you know something? People make me mad. I can’t stand people and their strange weather attitude I just can’t. I’m very conscious about my choices and I found my inner truth. No friends in my life and that’s ok. Everyone that passed from my life was just too shallow. No meaningful connection, even my 17 years best friend ended up to wanting me as company only when her best friend was absent or when she was bored. NO. That’s a no no. Either good friends that love you every time of the day or no friends at all. The ones that need you when they are bored or want something can go right down to hell for me. Only few people worth for me. My future cat my sister and my mother. Love from Greece and don’t make negative thoughts. Life is wonderful for all and happiness is moments
I am sitting here crying reading yours and Lucy’s words. I feel the exact same way. I am so despaired I don’t know how to even function anymore. I have made my kids my life and now all of them have grown up and have to move on with their own lives. I feel like I am friendly and try to make friends, but every time I make a friend and it seems like we are going to be good friends something happens and I either lose them all together or we drift apart. I am at a point now to where I feel like I have no one to talk to and nobody reaches out to me. I really am not sure what it is about me that turns people off. I try to be friendly and nice. I am not overly funny though and I guess I can be a bit boring.
i will be your friend anytime :-))
dedikayted@gmail.com
~Kay
I am so sorry that I am replying a couple of weeks after you posted your reply. I was away with my family. I am excited to hear that someone else shares my experience! It helps me feel connected to life to know that others are going through the same thing…and that’s a positive thing! I would love to talk too. I’m new to this website and not sure how connecting outside of it works.
I also could have written the above post. I have 2 tweens and a toddler. My husband works a lot and despite trying and trying – room mom, PTA mom…volunteer, volunteer…smile…etc, I have no friends. I drive my kids to activities and playdates but have never received an invitation for a cup of coffee. I’ve pretty given up. I am not very pushy. My kids school year just ended and all the moms who said they would email me to let me know what camps their kids were in, well they didn’t.
I sent out 3 emails. One emailed back and she actually emailed me a few times as I was getting more details on what her daughter was doing. The other 2 never contacted me. I am trying though as I used to just not bother if they never contacted me. I realize the road goes both way but it does make me sad that, if I didn’t really work at it, they would never bother.
One of the camps, 4 classmates of my daughter’s, are in. They probably contacted each other.
I really don’t get it. I did sign up my daughter for camps based on this one mother who contacted me. The other thing is, I will probably bring my daughter to these camps and see that the other moms are all carpooling. This has happened before.
I am trying to be upbeat about this. I mean I don’t want to think/assume it’s me.
I am going to double up my efforts but I realize I need to also try to branch out.
There are moms who regularly pick up each other’s kids and go out for coffee, I know because I see it. I often see moms going for walks together and taking gym classes together. I always go to the gym alone and for walks alone.
I get that cliques were formed and they don’t want anyone new or they just don’t want me but I hope there are other moms who feel the same as me and maybe I can find them.
I try to say the right things, don’t brag about my kids, ask them about their kids…but nada.
You do ask yourself maybe it’s me, maybe there is something wrong with me. It’s hard because then I will go through a period where I just avoid people.
I sustained a brain injury when I was 15 and was recently diagnosed with post-traumatic inattentive ADHD as a result of that injury. The doctor put me on meds about one month ago and now I see I really couldn’t focus on people, on anything.
So now I am trying to pick up the pieces but part of me fears I am too late. I mean I notice I make eye contact now and answer people faster than I used to. Social situations don’t fill with with fear.
The good thing that comes from being a social outcast is I have had time to focus on my kids. They have benefited. Some moms have said to me “how do yu do it?” because my kids really excel. I can’t tell them that it’s probably because I am there, all the time, because I have nothing else to do.
My worry now, as my kids are becoming teens, is will they realize I have no friends? that mom’s a loser?
I had lots of friends in high school, but that was before my accident and brain injury. So they were my friends after until I moved away to go to college.
I realize how much, well it’s really frontal lobe damage which is what they say causes ADHD, affected my life for years. Never had many close friends after high school.
The meds have helped me realize why I don’t have much of a social life. They’ve also made me see things more clearer and I feel I can sense people’s rejection more strongly now although the difference is, it doesn’t bother me as much.
Maybe that’s key, they want it to bother you. I used to shuffle out of school events quickly because I felt so much rejection. On these meds, I stay and I really don’t care. In fact, the last school event, I never acknowledged the moms who tried to give me that non-accepting look.
You are not alone in your feelings. I wish you luck.
Grace, RG, Lucy…reading your posts makes me alternately have hope and despair more. I have hope because I see I am not alone. Others are telling my story. But then you are all inaccessible. It feels bittersweet to then only be able to chat on a public forum instead of be able to ring up and say, “hey girl, I know what you are going through, how’s your day going? Hey! LETS DO COFFEE!” 🙂
I have Brene Brown’s book, will actually pull it out and re-read it…its true about being vulnerable. its just so hard when everyone else seems to be functioning so “normally”…I want to find a place where my “peeps” are, “peeps” who share from their heart like you all have.
Thank you. For being real. Stay in touch!
Erin, Grace and RG,
Reading your responses has given me hope that there are good, honest and giving people out there. And I would invite any of you for a cup of coffee right now if you were living in my vicinity. Just knowing that there is acceptance and non judgement here on this site has lightened my heart. I agree with Erin, let’s stay in touch!
Hi Lucy,
I can totally relate to some things mentioned. I also do try to perfect in everything I do. That is my way to make sure everything will be alright, so I don’t end up hearing things from others when they get pissed off or angry at me.
In this politically correct world we may be in. The media and other things always frown upon things when people do things wrong, or at least show how that was wrong, or why did somebody do that. And it is what we see mostly being talked about.
In a way, the world is not accepting anything wrong or anybody making mistakes either.
I have so many issues within myself that I struggle with everyday I’m so lonely and depressed I feel like nobody gets me just judge me me and my mother don’t get along at all she tells me I had depression once and I got myself out I have years of depression and I tried doing it a alone but I can’t I just can’t I don’t know who I am I can’t find myself I lie to myself I do things without thinking I’m just a mess sometimes I wish I was sleeping And that I dont wake up but then I think of my kids and it changes my mind but it’s a struggle I’m fighting for my sanity for my kids how can I do it when sometimes I just can’t get myself up off the bed I push people away but it’s not like they care anyways I wish I had a different life I wish I was a different person I have no friends basically no family my mom and sisters don’t get me I’ve always been an outcast abandoned by my father it sucks having a step father who treats you different I’m alone in the world.
Im currently 23… i just read what ive been unable to write myself or explain to anyone else.
I shut myself off from the world, afraid of the inevitable hurt.
Lets see, I dont quite remember when the depression started or when i realized that was what i was experiencing, I wouldnt say i had a rough life exactly, i do live in a privileged country, always had food on the table, and enough people around to give me love, so my stories always feel so over worked and unrealistic. My dad always had alot of anger issues and abuse issues and im sure not having it easy himself as a child played a part in how he raised me, he was mean, unkind, abusive physically and mentally and manipulative.. you name it and he was that nightmare for me and my mother and some of my other siblings. We all put up with it, home business stayed at home and wasnt mean to be talked about with anyone else, it was the rule, or else i would get taken away so things always progressed, nothing got better… luckily i had a few family members who gave me love unconditonally, and cherished me always. but still that abuse towards everyone in the family progressed, than when i was roughly 12, both my parents started to use hard drugs, became addicted, watched my family crumble due to crack addiction, seen alot of crap, had alot of hatred, at 15 dad uses me to sleep with my childhood best friend behind my back (they turned me into an alcoholic so i would pass out and let them be together) and they start dating, i find out by catching them in the act sexually….i have to tell my pregnant mother that my father and friend are having an affair… they didnt last long once my so called bestie got what she wanted from him.
ill never forgive myself for that one.
parents quit drugs 5 years ago, mom changes back into my best friend, dad still a fat loser crackhead with anger and abuse issues, i blame him for everything wrong in my life… if only i had been shown how to be properly loved and how to give love.
soo the family that was there for me, through thick and thin… sadly all passed away in the last 5 years, first my great uncle, than great grandma, than my uncle wayne, than my great aunt (her husband, her mother, her son, lost her leg ) just wanted to die, than she passed away, than my grandma (who lost her leg when i was 12) lost her other leg and her mother and sister and nephew and she was the last one left and she sadly contracted a virus from the hospital and her leg wouldnt heal and got infected and she also passed away, so i lost everything i knew and i even lost my religon… i gave up on any idea of heaven or god or the bible… i just became a closed off agnostic.
anyways im 23 and i enjoy being inside, im afraid of people i dont know or large crowds, ive been in a serious relationship for 5 years with a great person, who sadly i dont treat correctly.. 🙁 im bringing him down, im bringing me down… i have no friends at all, not even 1… i live across country from any family, in a province where i dont speak the language. so much more stuff but i cant even figure out where i would start. thanks for being descriptive and making me feel like im not the only person who feels like this.
I feel just like you I feel like I just don’t belong most pol judge me they just hate me I even hate myself I’m 25 I have kids they are all I have I don’t have a big family only my mom and 2 sisters I’m married even tho my husband abandoned us he plays with my emotions because he can’t fix himself my mom and me can’t get along for the life of God I feel lost like I just don’t know myself can’t find myself my father abandoned me I’m a mess it’s a long story behind all I feel but your not alone I know it’s hard but don’t push that one person you have by your side unlike me you have a great person me I have my kids and they are too little to understand I feel alone. Try and be happy. Your partner is hope.
I came across this discussion after yet again Googling ‘depression’. Why I do this I have no idea, as if I expect the answer & cure to be amongst the search results…alas, it never is ofc. I’m sure the real answer would be found in a therapist or having a talk with those that have hurt me, but that’s on the same scale as walking into a fire – I would never ever do it. So here I am, locked in my depression. I thought I had everything, an ambition & career in mind & a partner who loves the bones of me. But it’s nothing, it all means nothing when you have a mental illness (albeit self-diagnosed) cause the depression stops you from doing everything & I mean everything. My only friend is my boyfriend & even that is starting to feel like a nightmare, we don’t have sex anymore & I feel like my days are filled with him trying to discuss this with me. It’s driving me crackers. His reply all the time; ‘go see someone, go see a Doctor’ sounds so so easy doesn’t it, little does he know just how thick the wall is I’ve built around myself.
I also find myself eventually resorting to googling “depression”, “how to be happy”, “how to change my life”. Haven’t had any luck with the search results yet though. But reading through this forum has been nice.
Like you, my only friend is also my boyfriend. And you are so right. It doesn’t matter what you have or how seemingly good your life may be if you’re psychologically depressed beneath it all. I had it all as well. Lost it all now, but the funny thing is, even when my life was near perfect, I was still unhappy, the void was still there.
What does one do? Any luck? Friends would help I think. I don’t think a therapist/doctor is the answer. Maybe it would help but what could they really say that we couldn’t conjure up ourselves?
I am almost 39 yrs old. I have suffered with the depression for as long as I can remember.At 14 and puberty I was tested for a heart condition bc I was having repeat episodes of chest pain and racing heart. It was anxiety. My home life had been pretty bad with my parents splitting apart when I was 2 and moving to a whole other State was hard on my mother to be a single Mom raising to children. We were poor and all my Mom could do was try to put a father in our lives. Rhat led to man hunting. Alchoholic abusive men with lots of baggage and emotional problems. I was born over 2 months early so I was already the girl that got labeled slow learner,stupid and retard. Sorry, to use those words. That is just how it was. I had a few friends through church. I would intercept the New kids at school that stood alone bc I mostly knew that feeling. They would friend me for awhile until someone better came along.
I grew up with feelings of inadequacy. Nothing was ever going to be good enough for everyone else around me. So, why should it be for me attitude. And so, that set the mood to how the rest of my life would be. I let a few wounded people in close enough to see and understand my darkness but they always betrayed me. Either by socially humiliating me by telling my secrets and laughing about them behind my back.. Or just plain hanging around to take my boyfriend or later husband for themselves. I have felt a sence of distrust in women that makes it awkward for me to fit in.
I am also a quarter Native American. People can be very judgemental about race too. I found that out. I am a beautiful lady though. That has never been an issue but with all of the abuse in my life, mental, physical,emotional, molested at 10 by an Uncle, raped when I was 19. Institutionalized a couple of times. Once for trying to commit suicide, drug abuse when I was 18-20, alchohol abuse from then until about 6 yrs ago. I know I have isolated myself from fear of hurt to my children from others, fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at ans judged by my mental diagnosis, by my past with drugs and alchohol. I am so lonely but I keep myself alone. I am myself’s worst caretaker living with no friends. A wife that’s husband travels so, I stay home to manage the home alone. I wish the best for everyone on here wirt these same struggles. I hope you find inside what you are looking for. Just pray that I do as well..
I feel the same way. Women gossip a lot and It hurts me when people bring up my past and try to bring me back down when I’m trying to move on to a better place in my life. The worst is when they do it at work, I feel like I have no choice but to be an outcast.
This phenomenon of depressed people losing all their friends reminds me of a story my depressed (maybe ex-) girlfriend told me. When she was 30, she blew out her knee when in a sporting accident, and wound up in the hospital for a week. During that time, she says, she had a total of two (unwanted) visitors, both of whom (she says) were there for romantic reasons (married guy who was interested, gay woman who was interested). Her family (who lived in the area) didn’t show up. No other friends.
I thought that was a very sad story, and kind of hard to fathom. I know her family, and they are good, caring, people. She’d been a popular girl in her youth. She seemed warm and wonderful to me. How did she wind up in the hospital alone? Well, knowing now (though I didn’t then) that she’s a depressive (who has now cut me ceremoniously out of her life) I can see how she might have found herself in that situation.
She claims that at that point, she looked at her life and realized that things weren’t what she wanted, and she needed a change. And she soon changed her career dramatically. But I don’t believe she saw that hospital stay as the culmination of depression. She’s probably pushed everyone who tried to care away, just as I’ve seen her do with me.
Very sad.
I’ve always been introverted (except for a few years in college and then only when I was under the influence 🙂 and have never had more than a handful of friends. When I was in high school, there was only one friend I hung out with outside of school. I work at home (and have for about 20 years) so I don’t even have the forced socialization of an office milieu. So depression hasn’t really changed that aspect of my life very much but it has amplified it. When I do go out socially, I usually hang back. My wife is extremely gregarious and is well-known in town so she sees people she knows everywhere we go. I usually try to stay out of site while she makes the rounds in order to avoid as many introductions as possible. I can sometimes manage to get involved in conversations and there are some topics that automatically draw me in. And in those times I can forget about my depression for a bit and feel almost normal. But then I’ll remember and start to withdraw and want out. I realize that being around people is good for me but when I’m home I don’t want to be around people. When I’m getting ready to go out it’s always so much trouble to get ready. I can’t find clothes to wear and I feel unattractive and I just want to get back in bed. I know that socialization helps my mood (most of the time) and yet it’s extremely difficult to muster the energy to actually do it. I never talk to anyone (except my therapist) about my depression — I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone. It’s very isolating. Most of the time I don’t realize how isolating that really is. I’m trying to go online more to find kindred souls I feel like no one wants to hear my sad story and I shouldn’t be whining so much. I’m also trying to blog about my depression but, again, I feel like a whiner when I really talk about it. Anyway, I totally understand the feeling of no friends and no life.
Hi Ken,
Please do not feel like you are a whiner, ofcause you cant help it, but really you are going through an illness that you have no control of. It is ok to talk about your pain just like every other illnesses. Also ofcause there’s that stigma about men dont want to talk about their feelings as it’s percieved as a weakness. My partner never talk about his feelings, untill the day he couldnt contain his depression anymore, then it came flooding out like a broken dam. I was comepletely in shock and over whelmed by the things he said (and the nonsense blames). If only he talked, and shared with me what was really going on in his head all those month….
He also have no friends, hates going out, but this only contributed to his depression. He feel more alone than ever. Ken i sincerely hope you open up people around you. It will let you see who are the ‘real’ friends, that’s willing to stick by you, or the ones who flee at the mere mentioning of a mental/mood disorder. Having friends dosnt mean you need to be the talk of the town, it just means you should have a couple of really close, honest mates that can be there to support you without any judgements.
Online is a good way to start, as its less confrontational, you can atleast build up your confidence and become comfortable at sharing about depression or just problems in life in general. Because you can never be sure what can trigger an episode of depression.
Best of luck to you Ken!
Thank you very much, Lili. I appreciate your word of encouragement 🙂
All my friends are gone. Have been for many years. I have tried making new ones but I always perceive them to slight me,so I reject their intentions and ideas and further Isolate myself. I do this and look back at it and say to myself “did I do that on purpose or am I just that bad of a human being? ” That only furthers the cycle. When someone gets too close to me I will self destruct the encounter and force them away.
I wasn’t always like this. Once I was happily married and raising 2 children. I had a few friends,more along the lines of acquaintances. Then about 12 years ago we bought a house with a basement. That is now where I most days with the door closed and only the computer and xbox to keep me company. My wife brings me food and we communicate but I push her away to. I can tell her anything but I am so negative that a meaningful conversation is not really possible.
I do get up everyday and go to work and interact with the people at work but that too is strained. If not for my skills I would be let go for being a D-bag (yes,I am THAT guy). Although I do try so hard to restrain myself from spewing my pain and anguish upon them but unfortunately some of it slips out.
I do return home and settle into my basement world and beat myself up for the way I acted and for the person I am then,I play on the xbox and because the anonymous nature of the interwebs I spew my negativity further alienating myself online. I could easily cut that part of my life out but it is almost like I need to do it.then I beat myself up for doing it…then I do it again.
I do pay the bills and I do fix the house when it needs it and I tend to the vehicles. When those minor interruptions to my insanity happen I pat myself on the back and tell myself “see, that’s normal you’r not really that bad” but as soon as I am not needed I return to my the world I have created in my mind and beat myself up.
I know exactly the reasons for my isolation but fail to stop it I am not suicidal although, laying down and dying wouldn’t bother me. I am a Barker not a Biter which means I talk tough but not really ever hurt anyone physically,definitely verbally though.
I hurt inside and outside. I push everyone away. How do I stop ? I so want to get back to “normalcy” I want too feel good again. I reject most new ideas so how do I know which one to accept ? How do know whom to accept? Maybe I am that one person there is no hope for.
Look how I am rambling and have devolved into into my “woe is me” vitriol.
Bah, useless, but I throw it out there and maybe someone else has the same life.I don’t want pity I really just want to know if I am alone or not. Today I was in the mood to vent. I’ll check back and vomit more rantings and self loathing another day.
You sound like you could be my father. He has lived in his “room” since I was a young teenager. He hated my choice of a spouse and did not walk me down the aisle nor even attend my wedding. He still dislikes my husband and never comes to my house, nor my husband to his home. I hardly ever see my father even though he lives 30 miles away. He seems to be nice to my children when they visit overnight. I feel like he cares only about himself. But it is from him that I have inherited my own bouts of depression. I don’t want to be like him. It is sad to realize that he might be lonely with no way out of his darkness.
I have been studying the health deficiencies possibly associated with depression. Right now I am trying a natural product to help the adrenal system. This product has taken the heavy feeling of hopelessness away. I am happy most of the day and I am nice to those around me. Since using this dietary supplement, I have been able to step back and realize that I am a good person with a disease that can be healed.
What you wrote here is almost identical to my life..
You definitely are not alone.
I related to your article. I have never had more than one friend at a time. I currently have zero friends. I close out my spouse because I feel guilty for feeling depressed. We argue a lot when I’m depressed. I’m scared I’ll be viewed as pathetic if my spouse knew about my depression (taking it personal that he is the reason when that’s not true, he deserves better than me). I’ve tried to let my spouse know a few times that I need help, but nothing happens. I’m really scared my children will not have friends because of me. Some days I crave friends, other days I am happy that I don’t have the pressure of being perfect in their eyes. I talk so, so much when I meet new people or meet up with people I know. I am so embarrassed afterward and get really upset with myself for being this way. My dad and older brother were depressed… to the point of suicide, but I have always viewed myself as better than that and in control of my life. I really have a great life and maybe it’s not depression but I’m rather a lazy, pathetic person.
This is my first visit to your site, found through a search for ‘accepting depression’. Wow! What a similar set of thoughts run through my mind almost daily.
Yesterday walking home from the commute bus stop my thoughts and feelings rang a familiar theme and reached a new level of almost apathy.
Feeling invisible, not sensing anyone with whom I can share the real feelings and thoughts I live with – rather needing to be the one who listens and helps others solve their issues both at home and at work.
Accepting (sadly ) that there most likely won’t ever be anyone there for me, and at the same time beginning to realize that approaching life this way must create barriers between myself and others that prevents relationships from beginning or continuing. After all, who wants to be real about the loneliness, depression and isolation?
Not sure what to do about it, feeling a growing sense of anxiety about the outcome. About this time my guilt kicks in as a single mother of an almost 21 yr old who also suffers from anxiety and depression. Did she learn it by living with me? What can I do to help her move through and past it?
I’ve been noticing the commonality of my relationships with most of those in my life, the shallowness and limited exchange of real life. I’m not sure if my sense that the common factor and therefore, cause is me is true or not. How do you verify that with others?
Add to this my continued dis-ease and unhappiness with my immediate and extended family. I made the conscious choice to live next door to our mother to help with her care in her later years (she’s 85), while my brother lives a few hours away and is clearly her favorite and chosen one to go to for assistance. My role seems to be to wait in the wings until asked, don’t be proactive when I notice areas she needs help with, and accept not being included in discussions. Ugh – not sure what the point of being here is.
John’s thoughts about being in relationships and the interaction of depression, anxiety and relationships ring a familiar tune with my experiences.
I’ve had great difficulty making friends (or finding satisfying romantic relationships) all my life. I’ve pretty much lived my entire life, since early childhood, without friends, or with just one, until they moved away. (I currently have one very good friend who lives in another part of the country.) I definitely lacked social skills in my youth and was very shy. That is not at all the case now. I have well-developed social skills. I’m a very pleasant person— kind, friendly, interesting, and a good listener. It’s not at all difficult for me to find people who are happy to be my friend (or girlfriend). Rather, the problem is that I almost never find the relationship satisfying.
What’s almost always missing is CHEMISTRY. Do a Google search for “chemistry” and “love” and you’ll get thousands of hits, but zero for “chemistry” and “friendship.” Yet chemistry is as essential for friendship as for love. I’m different from other people in profound ways— so different that they can usually only see a small part of who and what I am. I find myself feeling deeply, profoundly lonely when I’m out with a group of people and realize that I have nothing in common with any them, and that they don’t even know who I am. Again and again throughout my life I’ve ended up choosing to be alone because, ironically, that feels significantly less painful and lonely.
Thank everyone for sharing their emotions & stories .I have been dealing with depression for over 8 years. all my friends have gone away, they want nothing to do with me anymore.I kept myself distance locked up in my house waiting on the phone call from a friend yet also fearing the call would would come which it would ,then fear of rejection. I was unable to explain to my friends what was going on. My friends would just think I didn’t care about them .I always wanted to join in with my friends however when it came time to get ready to go meet them .I would freeze. I recently turned 40 , my thirties were very hard. I though the worse was behind me. Now turning 40…I am alone with no friends and my mother & father are no help. I was raised with no encouragement, I was always told I was a loser. I am still single with no children.Where do I start ? I believe it is very important to have friends .I have tried to make amends with past friend however they see me for my past when all I want to do is show them a different me. I’ll pretend to be happy and that all is going good. I was always the friend who listened and did everything for my friends. I was always there for them all.Back then I didn’t take of my feeling or my depression I would just listen to all of their issues in their lives.I did pull back on going out but that it. Was that so bad to justify for these friend to no longer take my calls and no longer want my friendship? I’ve been ostracized, I become the outcast. So in that said my depression as worsen. What’s next? If anyone had some words of encouragement I will be so grateful
If your friends won’t listen to you then they weren’t your friends to begin with. Keep your chin up. Join a civic group? What do you like to do outside of work? Can that activity be shared outside in a group? My trouble growing up was I was so centered on myself; I have a tough time keeping a conversation going. I realized people like to talk about themselves. So I learned to have people open up. You already have the hard part down. **Listening**. Someone told me once, “You have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Use them proportionately. “
I know what is like to believe that you’re a loser after being told many years that comment. I got mad. That originally gave me the strength to do something. Unfortunately that validated that comment and I became resentful. The best thing is to not accept the comment and feel sorry for the person who is saying those mean comments. Most people say those comments because they are inadequate themselves. So keep your chin up. Don’t listen to any of those horrible comments. You’re worth finding good friends. If you feel down, well I think it is time to learn how to stand up. What do you think? I’ll stand with you, okay? 🙂
Thank you John for your words of encouragement & for taking your time to respond. I recently lost my job .Also yesterday who I thought was my best friend told me that her husband brought it to her attention that what other single friends of her hangs out like I would. Honestly I would see her maybe once ever other week on a Friday night. For a friendship that was over 15 years and after 5 of those years she was cheating on her husband with several men. I was the one who encourage her to stay with her husband , I never judged her ever. SO to now be told that her & her husband feel that I was getting my happiness threw their family and she is now happy with her husband after he purchased a new home , and new horses and many other things for her. I was shocked. Once again another friendship gone. I have enjoyed so much being outside riding horses, just being out East on the property & being on a boat fishing…..I keep reading what you typed” Its time to learn how to stand up” I hear it & know it. What did I do in my life that it has come to this?
Maria,
I don’t believe in fate. I was partly responsible for the condition I am in. I have to take my life into my own hands and make it better. Many people find the forum helpful as many of us visit it daily. Maybe you can come and see yourself. Maybe there is a way here for you to stand up on your own without help?
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/directory
By the way…my screen name is Wrong way. (long story to that name)
Darling Maria,
I, too, can’t believe how poorly some of my friends have treated me. I’ve come to wonder if perhaps I give up on friendships (and jobs, hair products, and knitting projects) too easily. I have nothing left to lose so I am going to bully my way through this wall. My goal is to contact one person a day that I don’t see regularly. Anyone with whom I’ve ever had fun is fair game – all the way back to the womb or first grade. Whether we ended through a fight or just drifted apart, I’m going to call them or e-mail them. I won’t talk about the bad, just listen to them. I dread what may happen, but I’m going to do it anyway.
I challenge you to join me. What’s the worst that happen? We are already friendless and hate ourselves. We are already working souless jobs. Next year I may be living in a cardboard box and shouting obscenities to passerbyers. Today I can live without fear of rejection because it just doesn’t matter anymore.
Depressed: No Friends, No Life
I am now in the recovery process of depression. Now that I’m “waking up” I look around and find that not many of my friends have stayed around, which makes me down, causing a cycle of depressed moods. I lost a really good friend partly because of depression, and another friend either has excesses not to hang out with me or says very little to me. It sucks! I have tried to reach out to one of them with no luck, and when it comes to Christmas parties at their house I wanted to be invisible; even at work I feel that depression has hurt the relationships I have there. its a cycle that is hard to stop. I try to get out and reinvent myself but when I do people just look at me and see the depressed me. I try to fight it off and some days I’m good but other days its much much harder, starting the cycle again. Keeping strong in the recovery process is hard but the more I practice being strong, the easier it is to be strong!
Hello Mandy – You sound just like me. It gives me encouragement that you feel you are getting stronger. I’m trying too. I lost my job in March and I am also menopausal which causes more depressed episodes. I just got a new job as a contractor but I’m getting depressed again. Stress brings it on and I just want to die all the time. I want to give away everything I used to love but I have my animals and they are keeping me alive.
Lisa; Keep your head up. What I have been doing lately is making myself do something everyday. It may be small or big depending where I am at. some days all I can do is go for a 5 min walk, or if Im up I will go for a walk and do what I love (bake)! If its a struggle to do that one thing then I done let myself get down and when I catch myself then I don’t get mad, its just a day. I give myself a reward after doing what I don’t want to do (usually laying on the sofa without guilt). I tried something amazing yesterday and even though I was sceptical I think it will work. I joined a meditation class. It doesn’t hurt to go just once to try something and when you are in that moment you feel pretty great. Keep working hard and take it day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute. Depression sucks but don’t let it get you down fight it. I’s fighting the good fight:)
John,
Thank you for keeping this blog up. I have been dealing with some form of depression over that last 25 years of my life. Only within the last 6 months did I recognize my illness, and asked for help. I was literally in such a depressed state that everything bothered me including waking up. I got help from
1. Primary Physician
2. Therapist
3. Psychiatrist
4. Writing
My primary physician made sure my body was at the optimal working condition. She had found my Vitamin d levels were so low that it was almost non-existent. I met up with several therapists, and I found one that suited my needs. My psychiatrist helped maintain my medications regarding my depression. I originally started writing to let some of my uncensored feelings out. I have trouble expressing myself in ties of duress or stress. Writing helped me gain some perspective, but my depression will need all four components working together in tandem for me to be a functioning person.
I finally have a job that I like, and am trying to stay positive. There have been times where waves of sadness will sweep over me. It is quite a scary feeling. I think it has only happened once at work for 5 minutes, but I was crying profusely because of this sadness. Today I deal with depression, but each day that I work on this, is one step closer to me feeling independent and happy.
I want to share with everyone at how my depression has shaped who I am today. I think much of depression stems from the combination of my upbringing and my environmental circumstances. My parents emigrated from another country fleeing from war. They always mentioned their strife in achieving in this country. This in combination with some momentary physical abuse from my dad I think sparked the initial depression. My depression fully blossomed in high school. I had really low self esteem and felt socially awkward.
I hit rock bottom a year ago. I was 40 and I had lost my job 8 months ago. I was on the verge on going past due on my payments, and finally had to stand up for myself. My wife had seen the proverbial ‘emotional dive off the cliff’ and all I wanted to do was sleep and cry quietly. I knew this wasn’t the normal “me,” so I sought professional help against my normal instinct.
Since then, I have been able to get a job I like, improve my situation one day at a time. I think the most profound change in my life was to create my own happiness. I think through my parent’s upbringing, I learned that my happiness was going to be defined by my pains in life. While I know it is not realistic to go through life without pain or sadness, I was looking for more pain and suffering to help define my happiness. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I would seek out difficult situations, and in some cases, unreasonable situations to experience more discomfort. I found sadness, anger and pain more familiar than happiness. If found after time, that I forgot what being happy was like. I never realized I shut everything that was enjoyable in life. I hope this choppy post helps someone. Depression is an everyday fight for me. I am glad to experience happiness once again. Stay true to yourself.
Thank you for posting this, I found it to be very helpful. I too have a difficult time allowing myself to be happy and instead of finding things that make me laugh I unintentionally seek things that cause misery. I am still working on it but it’s really hard. Today I woke up and talked to God and asked Him to just take my life. I told Him I never ask Him for anything, I don’t ask for a husband (because nobody would want me), I told Him I don’t ask anymore to be cured because if He wanted to He would have since I have been suffering from depression since kindergarden. I am now 46 and things have never gotten better no matter how hard I try (meds, doctors, exercise, diet, friends, job, etc.,) I want to give up but have a little dog and 4 cats and they are keeping me here. I really hate living, I want to give away all the things that used to bring some joy to me but I still feel empty inside. Your post gave me some inspiration and encouragement. I believe I need to start focusing on the things that have the potential to make me happy instead of looking for things that are a comfort zone of bewilderment and disappointment leading to depression. Thank you!!
Laura,
I’m glad you found my post helpful. below are some tips which I found helpful in getting myself out of the mental fog of depression.
I have 3 people working on this for me.:
1. Primary care physician:
a. He has made sure that my overall health is in good condition.
b. He is helping me lose some of the weight I had gained (50lbs gained= 3.57 stone)
i. Right now I have lost 30lbs =2.14stone; 3 inches off my waist = 7.62cm
c. My vitamin D levels were nearly nonexistent. This is a contributing factor in my depression and had to be monitored to ensure proper energy levels
d. Thyroid is in good working condition .
2. Qualified Therapist
a. She has allowed me to work through some of my emotional issues
i. Emotional baggage from childhood
ii. How to effectively engage the world
iii. What are my emotional triggers and what I can do to control them
iv. How to move forward and be aware of consequences of each action
v. How to move past ‘Analysis Paralysis’ (I love to figure things out and how they work. Unfortunately it prevents me from solving problems efficiently.)
b. Allow me to choose the direction of therapy. I n the beginning I had to choose another therapist because I was not comfortable with her. After 4 session with my current therapist I did not Feel any better. I challenged her on this by asking what direction she was planning on this therapy, because I did not feel any better. She took notes of my comments. At my workplace, I use a coaching to behavior method style of management. In the beginning I was being coached to my feelings. I found it most annoying, and I told her to stop coaching me to my feelings. She stopped and asked which method to use. I didn’t know that there were different methods. I told her to choose something else. She has changed since then , and has set emotional goals for me with estmated time frames. If your therapist cannot give you a time frame or goals, find another one!
3. World renown Psychiatrist ( my wife thinks he’s an idiot)
a. He monitors my medication.
b. That’s why I keep a journal. 1st three months I was still in a deep mental fog. The danger of not keeping a log is as follows: Example
i. You feel crappy 29 out of 35 days
ii. On the day you see the doctor about your medication; and you have a “Good” day
1. He asks you, “How are you feeling?”
2. You answer “ I feel fine.”
iii. In reality you feel crappy 29 out of 35 days.
iv. Medication can take up to 6 weeks to take effect.
v. Mood and behavior diagnosis is incorrect, and time is wasted
Suggestion:
c. 1st 3 months of log record mood and feeling 3 times a day. Morning, mid day, dinner time. Please note any significant event that may trigger mood or feeling. (if someone died, then no amount of medication except zombification will stop the pain)
d. Beginning month 4 record mood and feelings once a day.
Now you have
· an accurate log of your mood, feelings with times and dates
· a plan to stay healthy so your body is not inhibiting your recovery
· A therapist who can give you mental tools to handle and face life situations as they arise
Can you tell I like having a plan? A failure to plan is a plan to fail.
Sorry Lisa, I read the post below and I thought your name was Laura. Please forgive me.
I also found a website of people who either suffer from depression or people affected by ones who are depressed. I think they’ve given more advice and therapy on a daily basis.
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/directory
Hi, John
Thank you for your reply. You’re absolutely right, but, unfortunately, I didn’t find a therapist or a counselor, because in my country they are rare, expensive( I suppose there are many sessions) and it is quite hard to find a good therapist, because I’d rather somebody recommended me one.
From now on, I will try to have a positive characterization of my self work because I can no longer continue with this stupid depression. It is an awful feeling, it basically destroys my ‘self’, my inner beauty and my way of being. I am not going to allow the negative thoughts/feelings to hug me to their heart. I will live the present moment, I will try to feel good in my inner self and stop being so hard on me. I’ll just make them my principles.
Nevertheless, there will be moments when I will feel down and everything will seem to turn upside down. I am conscious of that. And in those very moments it will be quite difficult to me to keep my balance . Those moments are very critical for me and nothing seems to take me out of that dark mood.
Thank you very much for your pieces of advice. I am very grateful to you. It is curious that whenever I feel down, I need to talk to someone so much and let loose my feelings. After that I feel better as I am now.
I will keep you in touch with the progress I am making and its faults.
Thank you.
Laura
Hi,
I think I have come across my real problems due to Storied Mind. Thank you.
I do not have close friends at all and I tend not to socialize with people. I have prejudices. I have read a lot of books which changed my way of thinking. Definetely that is not good. I have realised that, but I never thought it would affect my way of being so much, but it does, it really does. I have created my own world which tends to destroy me.
I have never tried to discuss this problem with anyone. Not even to my boyfriend for fear he would disconsider me.I leave the people I meet the impression that I am normal, but inside me there is a hunting stormwind which makes me feel inferior in front of them, sometimes I can hardly find my words when I try to express myself. Apart from all these, I also tend “to project my own shame into people’s minds”. That’s horrible because people do not take any personal interest in me. But I give myself away in front of them.
It might sound weird but I do not suffer, I do not cry, I am not consumed by all these, but still I’m conscious that I don’t have any close friends. I am still going to school but it seems that i ”suceed” in keeping the others away from me.
I want to improve my confidence but I do not know how…
Hi, Laura –
I can relate so well to your description of a stormwind inside that makes you feel inferior – that’s such a common part of depression. I was wondering if you had tried talking to a counselor or therapist. That’s what I had to do to deal with feeling so badly about myself and driving others away. You mentioned being in school – can they help you find a good counselor?
John
Hi, John
Thank you for your reply.
No, I haven’t tried to find a counselor or a therapist. I always thought that I could recover myself, but things got worse although I couldn’t realise that. I have moments when I feel okay, living my life to the full, but then I come back to the same problems over and over again. I am really convinced that it is I who has the power to reckon with depression, but sometimes I fail. At the moment I am practicing self-suggestion and yoga, but I can’t realise whether I am making progress or not. There is always something in the things I do which reminds me that I lack confidence, memory, or guts, and things seem to start again. That is the moment when I feel awful.
My problem is ambivalent and quite ambiguous. I hope you can understand it.
I am looking forward to your opinion.
Thank very much.
Hi, Laura –
(I thought I would reply to your last few comments here since you have subscribed to responses for this post.) I have found it hard to make progress without the help of a therapist or counselor. My mind has too many ways of trapping me in loops that keep taking me back to the starting point. You mention feeling a lack of confidence or guts, and that is one of the big traps. The negative characterization of your self-work is one of the most difficult depression symptoms to get around. I have found that a therapist is helpful primarily as a teacher of effective methods I can use on my own and as a guide or coach who can help me spot when I’m fooling myself and going round in circles.
I am glad you find the writing here helpful, and I hope it does encourage you to write more. Your comment about almost making a mistake with your boyfriend is movingly written and also a perfect example of how depression wraps you up in ideas and perceptions that screen out the full reality of how people are behaving. I have that same tendency to keep everything inside and agonize over something that usually isn’t true. I wrote one post about an incident with my colleagues at work years ago when I was convinced they had betrayed me. I confronted them only to find that I had fabricated the whole thing on the basis of a few inaccurate perceptions of mine at a meeting. Depression has often led me into paranoid thinking of that sort. That’s why one of the basic skills that has been so helpful in recovery has been the ability to observe my own negative thinking without believing it. You mention yoga, and that is a good practice for making you observant of your body, as meditation and cognitive therapy can help you observe thoughts and feelings. Depression keeps fighting you by turning on self-criticism for not doing these practices “right” – but that’s only more symptomatic depressive thinking.
Thanks so much for commenting.
John
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your wonderful writing. As someone who is in the midst of a spiritual awakening, but also living with depression (there goes the law of attraction some days for me!) I totally related to this. I am sure no one cares about me, thinks I am a big dud, etc. etc. And that is not always the case. Not at all. Most of the time, I have had to shuck off people who have tried to take advantage of me or didn’t actually like it when I started getting better in spite of the depression. They suddenly went away. They liked me sick and down so I could be their project! But as well, I also know that I have probably burned people out with talk of depression and I am working on that. I feel so much shame over it though.
As I go through this awakening process while fighting my mood swings, I also feel a need to step back from most relationships. I have been burned too many times and no one there for me when I needed them to go do something fun with. It’s been very heartbreaking and I’m having to change my whole life and the people I associate with. But first I am working on me. It hard to be your own friend at times under the weight of depression. I cry a lot and hang out with my dog and wait for something intuitive to comfort me and guide me on. Thank you.
“Depressed: No Friends, No Life” is probably a bit extreme for me right now, today…but I’ve definitely felt the depth of that statement at different points in my life.
In the past I simply didn’t reach out: I kept it hidden. Even my husband didn’t know the depths of despair that I often felt. When I started therapy, I was told that I push people away…build walls around myself and keep people at arm’s length. That I don’t allow others to help me. That I don’t accept the help others are willing to give. When I finally accepted that, yes, I did suffer from chronic depression, and that my life would only get better if I worked on it actively, I chose a couple of friends to open up to. I explained some of my situation, and asked for their help, in very specific ways (which as you probably know is extremely difficult to do…opening yourself up like that…allowing yourself to be so vulnerable). I wish that I could say that this has been a good thing…but unfortunately it hasn’t really worked the way I had hoped. Maybe my expectations were too high. I’m trying to stay positive, but am perplexed that I can be such a poor judge of character in others…repeatedly. I have to keep reminding myself to fight the negative self-talk, but it’s really hard when you face disappointment nearly every time to put yourself out there with other people. It’s far easier to stay within myself.
All of your points are spot on with me. If I felt up to risking it, I would forward your blog to a couple of people just so that they might understand all of this better.
Hi, Shel –
It may not be that you’re a poor judge of character (though depression makes clear judgment harder), it could just be that people don’t want to hear about a chronic problem like depression. So many people simply won’t go into their vulnerabilities. As you share yours, they may well fear getting too close to their own. I made several mistakes like that of talking to the wrong person. Suddenly, they aren’t really there for you anymore. When a couple of friends heard I had cancer about 20 years ago, that was it. They were gone. It’s a rare friend who can handle such things and remain helpfully responsive. On the other hand, I found it essential to open up to my wife and later to my grown children – the honesty has only drawn us closer together.
John
What I just read that was so beautifully written sounds exactly like me. I was wondering if you could email me. I have been diagnosed bipolar/depression. I have a king story. I am a female, only 21 and just got out of the Marine Corps and am happily married- but who I am has been suffering since I was 16.
just be comfortable with yourself and who you are in the end of the day. Then you don’t have to seek anything from anyone becasue you’ll know who you are. I think a lot of people think if they don’t have friends or money that their life is a failure. But what are friends only aquaintences who really lets be honest won’t be around when times get tough for you. Money is the same. A materialistic trap that many people have fallen into and wasted the great gift of life in spending their days trying to acquire. So really in the end have you lost out on something or have you gained something. Trust me it all comes from how you percieve yourself.
If you see it as a bad thing then guess what it’ll be a bad thing.
This thing also of bringing people out that the other poster mentioned doesn’t really work. Ive had people do that and all that happens is they drag you into their happy little world trying to make you happy and you may not really be comfortable with it in the first place.
I guess in summary the truth is once your comfortable with yourself who you are everything falls into place.
My friends and I have come up with a strategy that has been useful when any of us gets stuck in a rut: we more or less, literally, pull the down and out person out of the their house and take them out for some fun. It sounds and sometimes can be pretty hard but in the end, it always expedites the healing process.
Is this a good tactic? Or should this type of depression-kicking strategy only be used by very close friends/relatives?
Hi Tom –
If it works, that’s great! I’m not sure, though, what you mean by “stuck in a rut.” That sounds more like a normal down period that everyone has from time to time rather than the chronic depression I write about here. Depression as a disorder as opposed to the “blues” would last quite a while and be pretty stubborn. Working on the symptom can certainly help – I do similar things to get myself out in the sunshine when I’m down – but that wouldn’t keep it from coming back. If it seems more persistent and really is depression, the illness, you would know that. Consulting a counselor would also be a way of checking out what was happening. But, as I say, if it works to pull a friend out of the house and improves outlook and mood, that’s a good thing. Everyone has their own methods to deal with the immediate feelings.
John
John,
I’m stunned again at hearing all my own experiences spoken with such clarity and such understanding.
I wish I could tell you what it’s like to have all these words in me, jumbled and split, but in me nonetheless; and then to see them all put together, in the right order, to tell some of my own story… It is so strange and again, highlights the commonalities of depression.
For an illness that is so profoundly isolating, there is a hell of a lot of shared experience involved…
When I’m really bad, I can’t face being near anyone because it feels so overwhelmingly pointless.
I guess tht in a way, I’m still very much at the mercy of all this and although not terribly depressed at this very second, or even on this day, I feel as though it is almost a part of me nowadays.
I identify with what you you write about people not really being able to handle despair in others. I think it has to be one of the hardest things… to be exposed to absolute bottomless despair in another… maybe even harder than being faced with your own.
I also find / have found that not too many people really ‘get it’ and so find it pretty fruitless to evn attempt to explain.
I do just the opposite really.
Hardly anyone, bar my therapist and 2 good friends, would ever even guess that I suffer from it. For the most part I am incredibly upbeat and positive.
I struggle with this bcause I find that the act exhausts me. At the same time, I cling to it because it keeps me alive.
I would be far too afraid to show people the darkness and the lack of hope that is like a shadow across my lungs and gut. I would be ashamed.
Thank you for such a thought provoking, well articulated post. Again.
Much love
very articulate, thank you!
Thanks, I appreciate that. Glad you came by.
John
Thanks John.
Reaching out can be tricky. Normally my friends know that I am willing and able to listen. Sometimes it’s just sitting with them.
It can be pretty awful being with the distress.
Hello, Evan –
They must trust you to be with them in a supportive, non-judgmental way. You project that deep humanity through your writing as well. I hope you have someone to turn to for your own need.
My best, as always –
John
John,
As always, it amazes me how many words you can find to describe some of these feelings and experiences. I am a bottom line kind of person, summing up without giving all the details of what leads to my conclusions. But you ask a good question which I will try to answer. When I reach a really dark place I email (don’t phone) a few choice friends, tell them I am in trouble once again and ask them to pray. They are only too happy to do that for me as I am happy to do that for them as well. I choose carefully, only those that understand depression and will not be overwhelmed with my request. They all know I don’t want visitors, just prayer. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. But actually reaching out is not my style when depressed. I hide, which is my form of rest, and stay hidden until my symptoms improve and I am able, once again, to face people. Then I report to my prayer team, who are encouraged by my progress. When I am feeling quite good though I try to connect with a friend. It seems then to be wonderful medicine for me and they are happy to see me since they don’t see me very often. If I am not doing well, but not down so badly that I have to hide in bed, I will sometimes visit a specially chosen friend, who I am comfortable with. I don’t necessarily tell them I am down. I just try to enjoy the visit and often find it lifts my spirits at least for awhile. This is probably easier for women than for men since we relate to each other so naturally and manage to share from our hearts without much effort. I guess that it would probably be more difficult for a man to find a man friend to relate with. Therefore the topic of friends for depressed men becomes even more depressing! But for anyone reading this, if you don’t have an appropriate friend, pray and ask God to send you one. He will!
Hi, Wendy –
It’s wonderful that you’ve found a way to deal with this and have the heartfelt support of friends. I think you’re right about men trying to relate to other men. In fact, I had a section on that in this post but cut it out since it’s such a general problem. I shouldn’t have. The close relationships many men have with other men tend to go back to early years, growing up together, in school or very early in their work lives. After that there’s enough competitiveness that it can be hard to admit to problems. Then also men are raised to keep their feelings to themselves or even suppress them. That’s communicated by all sorts of cues, not just strict parents. So, yes, that’s hard. I’ve always found it much easier to talk to women friends about these things.
Thank you for letting us know about how you deal with this.
John
I too have felt the same way, very recently. I “censor” myself, according to my therapist, but I think he’s only got it half right. I’m not trying to censor myself. Rather, I’m desperately trying to speak, but no words will come out. My mind, in social situations, can become a complete blank. The other day I was out with a group from work, one of whom I really wanted to befriend, but I could not say anything of value. I can write it down, I can say it to my wife (with great difficulty), but I cannot reach out when I’m depressed and anxious.
Hi, Mo –
I’ve felt that same way, and it is quite different from censorship. Talking to others, even people I know well, can be impossible – my mind blanks out, and I just feel stupid. Or I speak so slowly that people start filling in sentences for me. I started telling people I wasn’t well or else avoided even trying to talk to anyone when in that condition. I sympathize. It is a big step to see this as a symptom – I hope your therapist can listed to everything you say. Sometimes, they can jump to conclusions.
My best to you –
Johnm