Have you ever wondered if multiple episodes of depression change you so much that you’ll never get back to your old self? Most people I hear from say: I want to be myself again. That’s their definition of recovery. Can it happen?
I found an interesting discussion about long-term changes in an online journal called Medicographia. The editors posed a question to psychiatrists and researchers from around the world and printed their responses together.
Here’s the question: Is the patient really the same after a major depressive episode?
The experts cover a lot of ideas, and I can’t summarize them all. But here’s an overview of their findings. Most of them believe that you’ll never be quite the same again.
Full Recovery
Naturally, some people do better than others. Many cope well with depression, avoid negative thinking and can spring back from the illness. They’ve got good resilience. If that picture fits you, there’s more good news.
If you’re in great shape after an episode of major depression, meaning full remission of all symptoms, it will probably be a long time before you have another episode. You may even be done with depression for good.
Even if you do get another episode or a whole series of them, you’re more likely to get back your full health in between each period of depression. More depression is not a happy prospect, but being totally yourself after each episode is about as good as it gets.
Residual Symptoms
Others don’t do so well. (I wish I didn’t always fit into this unlucky “others” category.) They have repeated episodes that cause long-term biological and psychological changes. Those changes lower your threshold for getting depressed the next time around.
Any residual symptoms after you’ve “recovered” mean you’ll likely have a much shorter break before depression strikes again than the folks who get rid of all their symptoms.
There’s a big problem, however, in figuring out whether you’re symptom-free or not. A physician who’s treating you, whether psychiatrist or primary care doctor, usually doesn’t measure your response to treatment with a formal rating scale, such as researchers use.
Your doctor wants to know how you’re doing with the major symptoms you’ve been most concerned about. If those are going away, you’ve “responded” to treatment. In other words, there’s been a reduction in symptoms. Great. You’re both feeling good about the outcome.
But there could be other symptoms you haven’t mentioned because they didn’t bother you so much – or perhaps you never connected them with depression.
Research is showing that there are many differences among people who are considered to be in remission. To measure these differences, they use to a formal rating scale, consisting of a series of questions about the severity and frequency of symptoms. The Hamilton scale is the most widely used. It assigns points for each answer, and an arbitrary lower limit has been set as the boundary between full remission and illness. However, that boundary isn’t 0. It’s 7.
Many “remitters” have mild symptoms ( with a score of 3-7) and face a much greater possibility of having a recurrence than full remitters (0-2). Apparently, even mild remaining symptoms predict more rapid relapse. So medical professionals are now urged to keep treatment going until every symptom is gone.
Long-Term Changes
The changes depression brings with it can reach into many dimensions of your life: biological, psychological and social.
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Social:
Family: Depression is an illness that affects the whole family. In the midst of an episode, you may have a lot of conflict in your closest relationships and try to isolate yourself from the people who need you the most. The damage doesn’t disappear overnight after you’ve started feeling better. If depression has continued for some time, or you’ve been through many recurrences, your family, especially your partner, can begin to get depressed as well. These are long-term wounds that take time to heal.
Work: Depression can affect the way others think about and behave toward you, especially at work. They may regard you as unstable or unreliable and be reluctant to entrust new projects to you. Stigma can affect your attitude toward yourself as well. It’s easy to internalize an opinion that you’re diminished by the illness or that you should have been able to handle it better.
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Psychological:
Fear: After you’ve been through a serious depressive episode and lived with its disabling effects, you don’t want to go through it again. You may feel a lot of anxiety and fear about recurrence. Everyone wants to avoid a return of the illness and usually follows a treatment path to prevent it from happening.
Some people also get very cautious about avoiding stressful conditions that might trigger a new episode. That’s understandable and often necessary. But it can be hard to find a balance between realistic assessment of the risks you face and acting out of fear and anxiety.
The risk of recurrence is all too real, so following the treatment you’ve chosen and adapting your life style to stay as healthy as possible are wise and necessary strategies. At the same time, though, there’s a danger of underestimating what you can do and avoiding taking action that could turn out to strengthen your sense of self and level of resilience.
I’ve had a long fight with this sort of caution, fear and avoidance. Living with them has been a significant psychological change that has often blocked me from testing myself to see exactly what I can accomplish. I think of it as one of those scars of depression that needs its own therapy.
Memory: Researchers describe a couple of long-term changes in memory brought on by recurrent depression, and sometimes by single, prolonged episodes. Memory changes have a lot to do with brain biology, but living with the effects can bring on major psychological changes as well.
One is difficulty holding onto short-term memories. I’ve had a steady worsening in the ability to retain things people tell me as part of daily living. It’s a problem that also affected my work, which required me to track and summarize complicated discussions in large groups. This is a common effect of depression, but unfortunately it can continue after a depressive episode is over.
One of the researchers in the symposium brought out another aspect of memory I hadn’t thought much about. Instead of emphasizing memory loss, he points out that depression is an intense experience that can etch some memories in great detail for permanent storage.
These are the memories of emotionally and negatively charged experiences that occur during depressive episodes. As this researcher puts it, memory is a way of prolonging the past. Through vivid memories of negative experience, depression keeps up its influence long after an episode is over. Those memories can overshadow new incidents and cause them to be interpreted negatively as well. These memories contribute to a recurring cycle of depressive ideas about yourself and make you more vulnerable to a new episode.
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Biological:
Social and psychological changes may be bad, but at least you can work on them in therapy and support groups. Biological changes are completely beyond your ability to control. Hopefully, medications will eventually help correct them, but right now the changes themselves and their relationship to depression aren’t clear enough to lead to specific biological treatment.
The best documented change has to do with brain anatomy. The size of the hippocampus, an area linked to memory formation among other things, is smaller in people who’ve lived with depression – the longer the depression, the smaller the hippocampus.
This could be related to a reduction in the level of BDNF, a protein which is crucial in the formation of new neurons. As BDNF decreases neuron cells lose the support they need to survive. BDNF is active in the hippocampus, among other areas of the brain, and a decrease in its availability may be one of the causes of its reduction in size. Depression also relates to higher levels of stress hormones that can have a variety of destructive impacts. More familiar from all the publicity surrounding antidepressants is the effect that the illness is thought to have on neurotransmitters. Reductions in the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine, in particular, have long been associated with depressive symptoms.
The connections among these and many other biological processes and their relationship to depression are still under study. But the biological dimension of depression seems to have long-term consequences on brain functions and may make each of us more vulnerable to recurrence of the illness.
What Can Be Done?
Given the breadth of potentially long-term, even permanent changes, how effective are current therapies in dealing with them?
The consensus of the researchers seems to favor the use of varied treatments to manage each type of change. They recommend a holistic approach instead of total reliance on antidepressant medication.
The next post will explore the brighter side of treatment. As more is known about how antidepressants actually work, it appears that they may counteract some of the major biological changes caused by depression. A variety of psychotherapies can also help deal with the psychological and social changes that untreated depression can inflict.
So there may be hope that you can be yourself again, though perhaps showing some wear-and-tear.
What long-term changes have you observed in your life as a result of depression?
Image by Cane Rosso at Flickr
Many instances the mix of factors makes it in order that no one therapy will likely be effective sufficient
to insure that the sufferer won’t ever experience symptoms of depression once more.
I dont know how to feel differently than being depressed asI have tried for years to get help through my local hospital but alas I have been forgotton.
I am on my own now not seeing anyone now for nearly 2 months.
I really believe this world.
I feel is no longer a nice place to be when I feel really alienated and dont have a good reason to keep going.
Dont think the medical proffesion know how to help you and anti depreesants are not the answer look what happened down in Perth
grand father murderedhis whole family daughter and 4 children.
How do you hold out hope when you cant find a way out?
Depression can feel like a very long and dark tunnel and like there is no way out. I am living proof that there is hope and there is a light at the end of that tunnel. My depression got so bad I was suicidal. I just felt like there was no hope. I kept asking God, “when is it ever going to end? “ “when will I ever feel normal again?” The doctors were not listening or taking me seriously. It was 100% Jesus who healed me. He showed me that there were bad things that happened in my family’s history that needed to be put right and once I had dealt with the things he showed me my depression completely went away. If it wasn’t for Jesus I don’t know if I would still be here right now. Things are so much better now and I am really looking forward to the future. I just want to encourage you and anybody who reads this that if you are suffering from depression, that there is hope and you will come out of this stronger and better for it. You may not be exactly the same you but you will have more tenacity and endurance. If you can get through this then you can through anything!
Major depression, PTSD, and disassociation. 47 years old and I have had some of these or all, hard to say since high school. I only found out that I had these mental disorder about two years ago. Up until then, I just thought I was just dumb. Maybe I am still dumb, but at least now I am aware that being dumb doesn’t cause the weird, ridiculous, annoying, terrifying, isolating emotional/social/physical experiences I have pretty much often. And having to get overwhelmed by people, and physically being tired by those experiences that it makes me dull, sleepy, and check out. And always trying to control my body so I don’t exaggerate my expressions, or unnecessarily raising my voice, or sounding like I just woke up . It’s so pathetic, and weird, no wonder I rather be alone. Better, than see people’s reaction to it, and how they treat me for it. Or being unable to greet people when I should, but I can’t because I can’t deal with rejection.
I am bitter. Bitter that those who knew about my abuse from my father, could have a least comforted me as a child, and maybe, just maybe I would be a different person today. And with those whom I had trusted to stop a teacher from molesting me, didn’t do a thing.
So every time I am weird, and people react to me, it causes so much pain, and I remember again why I am the way that I am. No amount of toughing it out, talking or thinking a certain way is going to help.
My brain will turn off when I am talking to people I can’t modulate my self, and my thinking, it’s a jumble mess of emotions, and thoughts, and nothingness. Sometimes there are no words for how I feel, I just don’t know what I feel.
It would be easier, if people would react with kindness, and compassion. Instead of mockery, or disrespect, or perhaps fear.
I managed to be married, and have children, in my defense my depression wasn’t always so bad, It just got much worse these last few years. Had I known that I would end up this way, I wouldn’t have gotten married. It’s kinda sad that I feel the need to apologize for having gotten a family, me with the broken brain. I think it’s guilt talking.
They love me, and I wonder all the time what is wrong with my spouse for loving me, that something must be off with him. And I think that my children will one day see me for who I really am, the way I think all the others who know me, see me and be disgusted by me.
I am faulty, and ridiculous and having these disorders would be funny if it wasn’t tragic and such a waste.
I am exactly the same maybe a little more depressive than you are. I am in fight with depression since I can remember. I am 31 male married . I have depressive episodes in weekly bases. Each time I recover from it I clean up the mess and the toxicity I give to my family when I am in the deepest level of hell. Hopefully I reincarnate again with stable mentally healthy. And I wish you stable mental health
Its not that you think you are dumb it is because you trusted other people would do the right thing by you. It is not people like you and me that are the sick ones. If you are different people take advantage of you. I dont smoke or drinks or drugs and because of this people do not want to socialise with you that in itself maks you feel unwanted and unloved.I lost my boys to an alcoholic husband whu told me that I was an unfit mother who is he to judge me.I am the fool I trusted him for 19yrs and not once did he or my sons ever said they loved me.I gave my boys up to himas I could not keep them th way they were used to so I walked away from the marriage and left them with him.
Always remember It takes two to tango not everything is your fault it is also the other person.
hello…im 17 yrs old….n i want to share my experience of battling depression [that im still doing]…i hope some1 out there may relate to it…not feel alone …n also help me …..in 2016 i was done with my tenth n guess what i scored 98% in my boards…..actually it wasnt a surprise …i actually cried coz i wantd full marks ….really i was such a different person then frm what im now …n sometimes i feel to just close my eyes remember the previous me n do things differently …bt its nt that simple!…i was brilliant at academicd n other activities i learnt kuchipudi n gave few performances .i liked to give my 100% to any task …..i was a tension taker bt then the tension ws good……or atleast it never had a negative effect on me …..n i was also a filmy buff ……i loved acting in front of a mirror ….n really somewhere aspired to b an actor….the idea really excited me bt then i knew its risky n tough too..aftr 10th i ws really confused on which path to choose ….i had 2 options like any1 out there in india…..engineering or medicine…..medicine ws nice bt then i realised ill have work fr many yrs…n so i chose engineering with no true goal of becoming one….there wasnt any passion……i went to a residential college …..it ws new to me….i wasnt independant till then …i was homesick n scared bt i knew i had to overcome all fear……i remembered ppl saying me that THESE TWO YRS [11th n 12th]R VERY CRUCIAL …YOU HAVE TO WORK VERY VERY HARD …..YOU SHOULD SACRIFICE MANY THINGS N NOT SIMPLY HAVE FUN …..YOU SHOULD BE VERY DISCIPLINED N BE AWAY FRM PPL WHO TALK N WASTE TIME……I srsly took a paper n noted few points like these to follow …..i had taken the words far too srsly ……i wasnt spking much with anyone ….i wud just reply …….ppl started thinking that im too proud n selfish …..i used to ask my doubts to others …..i was trouble to understand stuff there …..ppl wud often nt want to answer to my doubts ……n few days before our weekly exam i wouldnt even take bath fr days in a row as i wud have to wake up at 4 or 5 am to get an empty washroom…..i wuldnt drink water ……i wudnt comb my hair properly…….in the canteen i wud sit wid ppl bt i felt chatting is a WASTE of time so i wud keep planning the rest of the day n further too…..i was surrounded by many ppl bt i was LONELY……my head wud plead fr help…..it used to pain in b/w my eyebrows ………few good roommates of mine wud do a head massage sometimes……once i simply caught the girl who had pressed my fore head …..closed my eyes n said some thing abt my worries n then wept badly……i was so used to talking in head that in the class room once the teacher wud arrive …..i wud started saying in my mind…..OK SO NOW ITS OK LEAVE THE PAST OK SHSHSH…..NOW FRM NOW ILL CONCENTRATE WELL N LISTEN TO SIR….. ILL UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT N NOT HESITATE TO ASK QUESTION…..OK SHSHSHSOOO….LISTEN OK GOOD….123 ….OK START SHSHSHSHO……123…I WUD ALL THESE BT BY THEN THE TEACHER HAD ALREADY EXPLANED A LOT N THEN I WUD PANIC N AGain try to spk to myself i wud want ti stop the muttering in my head ….i wud say the shhshhshh 123….without my control n i was really frustrated of the habit…..i fell really sick …..n my marks became very low….just single digit marks …..i kept tring i never gave up…….i wud open my book to solve a question n then i wud read 4 words of a question n again come back to the first word …..i wouldnt be able to even finish the question ….n even if i did i wouldnt understand it at all!….i wud call my dad everyday n cry…n then finally my dad took me to a psychologist who prescribed tablets …..i shifted to other clg n went frm home…..the twist being that i shifted to medicine in the middle of the year!……onths slipped into an year ……i used to feel my heart beating faster n me taking deeper breaths ….i wud pinch myself to concentrate n i wud say that i wannna become an actress so firmly that now i laugh on myself fr that …..bt then i was stubborn even the doctor tried to convince my mom instead to join me fr acting!…..then i simply liked to bunk clg…..i wud have no regrets n no fear nnnoooo tension!!…..i was enjoying it to simply lay on my bed……finally somehow i completed my 12th n now im actualy only getting repeated episodes of depression which occur once in 2 or 3 days …..in bw im kind of myself …bt the prob is that i m not suicidal….infact i really want to get back on track n study i keep makin plans n timetables bt when i open my book something stops me i cant study …..im scared my dad wont allow me to take a year so as to study well this time n get a mbbs seat in a good govt medical university …..n somewhere even i have lost hope …..i hav given up externally in terms of trying bt my intrnal mind isnt accepting defeat it still wants ti fight…..
Omg your story seems so identical to mine. I have had my depression in high school too because I wanted to get in medicine, and I had a lot of pression to concentrate and study for the exams. I usually had always had great mark, but at the end of the 12th grade my head was so messed up with my thoughts and sadness that there was a time that I couldn’t understand a phrase that I was reading. I managed to go to veterinary, I coulnd’t enter in medicine. But still, I was not well, I gave up vet university because I was not enjoying (I actually couldn’t enjoy much things. I lost hope, no one helped me they thought I was just stressed and agressive, even my family. Then I went to pysiotherapy university to study, I got some really 2 good friends who helped me go through the depression. I never gave up, I knew that I was and I am a good person, inteligent and funny. In my last and 4th year of the course of physiotherapy I thought I was strong enough to go to Erasmus. I wasn’t, 2 months after I had a recidive and my depression attacked because I was vulnerable and my family was far. I needed to go back to my country, I thought I was going to loose the year in university but that didn’t matter, I was not feeling ok. Finally my parents took me to a psychistrist and I started medication. Now, 5 months later I am feeling almost normal with my emotions but I am not the same. I always feel that my relationship with my family is not the same as it used to be. I cried so many tines in front of my mom that I don’t feel strong, I feel a needy person, quiet, and I still hope to be the person that I was. I fight every day. I didn’ losse my year, I went on in 2nd semester and made some subjects from the 1st semester. But sometimes I just think how unfair this is
i get what u say n feel……..i feel angry that that there is so much stigma associated to it…..fever cold cancer n even aids is ok to b a topic to be spoken abt bt things like these r supposedly odd n wrong …..i think you should read this book-LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT by Preeti shenoy……it revolves around the same incidents that we both r experiencing…….n i think you should take up some hobby of urs….i know you feel the lack of energy n interest bt just do it….smthng like writing ,painting ,dancing ……take it easy….dont be so harsh on yourself….n most importantly dont isolate yourself though u want to…..bt then DONT compare yourself with others ever .thats the worst thing to do….your life is YOURS…….you can take up creative writing,hotel management etc remember its nt a sin to do smtng most others arnt doin….if U like it….if u have any advice pls share it with me…im giving u so many bt srsly im nt following them …i WANT to bt i feel defeated….my inner me is just nt listening
I have a non cured depression since i was very young. Today I’m 26, almost 27 and It’s back stronger affecting many fields, my job, my relashionship, and everything that surround me. It’s like all over the years I have to be stronger then it, but all my thoughts are confused, I doubt everything. I left my family one year ago for many reasons, they didn’t understand, now my bf doesnt. He only notice my change of behaviour and mood all the time. Maybe he’s used to see me strong, but haven’t notice this part of me. I have the constant feeling of no belonging nowhere, not feeling warmly welcome nowhere. I dont want to leave him, i ve been learning how to handle , however, sometimes seems the things are getting out of the control. And i even doudt him and his real intentions. When the things get crazy, i constant feeling of desappear. He also has his issues, I understand. So I decided to keep to myself, but he notice my begaviours. I tell him, it’s too much for one person. It’s like if was carrying the world over my sholders. Things like these, remi d’s me Robie williams, he made everybody laugh but he was the only who was carrying his pain and personal hell, the battle in his mind.
I dont think depression can be cured you just have to learn to live with it.I too have felt similar and yes it is a 24/7 battle in the world we live in now you can never be sure about another persons motives.
I was married for 19 yrs and you would think you would know the person you were married to but he stole my boys from me.
Robin Williams was great in the movie Patch Adams have you seen it?
My episodes of depression happened in my last 3 semesters in college. I had given up taking the govt exam-CPALE because I can’t handle being empty and unhappy anymore. So sad that my passion in studying lead to overworked then lead to depression. Worst, I can’t get a job because when I relay my story, they assumed that I can’t handle stress and incapable. And the hell, people keep on misunderstanding me(because I can really see how they expect alot from me); even my family and closest friends, so i have learned to isolate myself too. I am okay right now- I have won my personal battle,so sure with that, but I admit it is equally harder to fight the battle against the world ( especially I am affected with how my family feels).
Felt relaxed after reading this article. I thaught I was the only one who cant get rid of all the depresion syntoms. Has gone through a lot in the past 2/3 years.
Same I’ve been treated and am still experiencing issues, before it hit I was happy and giddy, and all around swell, High on life really. I may be over the brunt of it but I’m far from back to normal, I can still laugh, and enjoy things but to a much lesser degree. Sometimes I cry when I remember how things used to be, because I want nothing more than to have that zeal back. Yet, it hasn’t, and in its place it’s left a deep vengeful hatred, it’s because of these experiences that I became anti-social and even lost faith in religion. Over time it chipped away at me until I got angry, furious even, and over a period of 2 years after the first successful treatment I am an angry, hardened shell of who I used to be. Where did everything go so wrong?
What makes having all these problems that all these writers on this site have and I can also relate to is when you have been lied and bullied by the people that you go to for councelling etc You are supposed to be able to trust them but they let you down even further.
Now I feel really lost and unloved and I can only say as others have also that you will never be the same as you cannot put it all back in the box.
Agreed… I have been in the same situation.
All I want to say is that I AM TRULY TRULY SORRY GOD FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE AMEN
Hi my name is Michelle and I guess I went through depression because of how people were treating me and saying bad stuff to me and that made me upset and I send that how much I hate my life and I now know that how much it was wrong to say that and most importantly to my Almighty GOD that was wrong of me to say stuff like that. Also I sed that I want to pass away even though I don’t want too I want to live as long as GOD says it’s time and all I want to say to GOD is that I’M TRULY SORRY for MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE IM MY LIFE. GOD PLEASE and PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY and THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR ME and LOVING ME. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY AMEN
All I can say to all of you is that you need to “Be Here Now”, YOU EXIST. Your sitting or lying there reading these words that I typed here in Ocala, FL on 10/22/2017, and WE EXIST :), smile (even if you have to force one do it right now!)
Every time you think about looking into the abyss concentrate on what’s in the room, what’s your name? what day is it? how old are you? do you still have all your fingers and all your toes? is anything missing from this room? if so go look for it, are you hungry? if so go eat….is this room clean to your liking? if not go clean it…..do you like how you look naked? no? time to go to your local 24 hour gym. you would be so absolutely surprised at how fast you can fight back against this demon if you just keep your mind busy when you start feeling down.
I have a permanent reminder starting from my wrist and ending at about my elbow of what can happen when things go too dark. I wanted it to be over and I did my best to get there before passing out but luckily my brother had decided to stop by that day and he just so happens to be an emt. Some of you aren’t going to be that lucky, so don’t even try it. Just keep your mind busy, and if you find that you are always TRYING to think about your anxiety or fear then it might be a good sign that it is time to adopt a pet or a/several new hobby/hobbies. It works I promise it does but you have to actually go in with hope that it can get better.
BE HERE NOW!
amen to that ???? thankgod you was found you give hope to those who feel all hope is gone . i wish you a good life
Thank you. You give me hope. So happy your brother saved you. Maybe you were saved to help others
My depression was brought on by pregnancy. I was crying over stupid stuff. Then when I asked for help from my obstetricians, I was told that because I was now ” fat”, and my “self esteem wasnt what it should be.” I never went back to her. For the following year, I had several family members die and also watched my dad almost die and he stayed in ICU for over a month in a coma. I was his ” next of kin”, so I was responsible for his care management. This was the icing on the cake for my chemical imbalance. Suddenly things started to spin. I mean REALLY SPIN. Vertigo. Ill skip to the fun stuff… My ENDOCRINOLOGIST ( not a vagina doctor) said that my body isn’t making enough serotonin to maintain balance. He said the biggest side effect of low serotonin is vertigo.
My baby is now 10 and I deal with bouts of depression everytime major life stuff happens. Im on paxil and it helps, but after an episode, I seem to be hung over from it. The latest was Hurricane Irma covering the entire state of Florida and then a big bit of turmoil at my job and it all resulted in, I was a hot mess. Im looking forward to seeing my doctor next week. He wont raise my meds because its important to him that I cope on my own. My fear is, what about when I cant?
I’m 58 years old and suffered with persistent depression for most of my life. I have had many episodes of major depression over the years and have usually managed to return to my normal, albeit mildly depressed self. Last summer, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I’ve been fighting it for over a year now. For a while, I felt like the medication and therapy were working, and I felt hopeful that I would recover soon. Lately, the depression has gotten much worse. I just feel like my life will never be good again. No hope of ever being happy again. I just don’t want to exist anymore. I’m not suicidal–I just want it to be over. None of the major episodes I’ve had in the past lasted more than a couple of months. This one is so different, and it’s been over a year. I’m tired and I just don’t have any hope left. People that have never experienced true depression just can’t understand the anguish and pain that it causes. There is no way to explain it. No one knows how I feel. I don’t even want to tell my therapist how far I have slipped back into the despair. I just don’t have the energy.
T.
Hope you mentioned is vital. Bottom Line. There is hope and Love is the need. Power of Prayer helped me fall into the depth of dispair.
Understanding God’s plan & purposes has given ppl a new prospective & outlook on life, work & relationships. Read that 10 minutes of walking helps with mood. As a Nutritionist I’d say eat fresh food. Anything in a bag, box or cramed into a can is dead food. Lightly steam veggies since to much raw food some ppl”s gut can’t take it. Expend Energy to Get Energy.
Music: changed my choice. It got me moving.
Remember Your Never alone. Many Good Samaritians in this Beautiful World we all share.
hey man im jason this is such a mirror image of myself and it does bring a tear ..i ve had depression and anxiety for 24yrs with 9 major replapse s .when i was younger the realpses were more severe but were shorter and i recovered some what but not completely as i got older with more relapses my relapse episodes have got longer and longer .less some what severe but that i can drag myself to do stuff but it s like im so still detached form everything and everyone ..it s like a numbness and im having to fake everything to seem normal which doesn t help much …but listen as im writing this im in another bad place .and yes i constant battle thoughts of suicide .but one thing at the moment keeps me in the game of life and thats hope .without it it s a game changer ..the hope is knowingly better treatments for treatment resistment depression are fast approaching and work in hours .not weeks or months or not at all like curent treatment and don t get me started on current treatment because at the moment i don t have much hope in it .but that s what depression does to you ..negatives everywhere .yeah i get you terri im tired form this illness and im ready to lay down too ..all the best terri ..here s my email ad,if you ever want to chat . jas [dot] md76 [at] gmail [dot] com i probably won t be back on this site but if you want to talk email me ..thanks ,,see ya
Thanks, it’s good to know someone else understands. I feel like a ghost sometimes. I think it is like the detachment you talk about. I think about suicide constantly, but then I think of how much it would affect my two grandchildren. I could never do that to them. They are 6 and 10. I could never lay a burden like that on them. I’ve managed to get through 15 months of this. I’m functional–more or less. I go to work every day. I pick up the grandkids every couple of weeks. When I’m alone, I cry. Mornings are the worst. Anyway, I’m okay. I’m not going to hurt myself. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Terri,
I’m 38 and currently going through a bout of anxiety/depression. This is my 3rd in my life. I have nothing but love and respect for fellow strugglers.
I’m currently on lexapro and starting to feel a small lift in my mood, still a long way to go.
I read a few places that men can have low testosterone and that will contribute to depression. If medication is not doing it’s job for you, have you had your hormones checked?
I will pray for you,
Lynn
I feel exactly the same . So very sad and tired that it is even hard to write this …
at the age of 59 I had a major depressive disorder that lasted close to 3 years. Believe me you can come back from it. Talk to your doctor openly and get the help you need.
I so understand exactly what you said. My latest episode has been on going for over 2 years. I am done, not suicidal just want this life to be done.
I have had episodes of depression since my teens, making it worse my mother would get angry at me and tell me to pick myself up by my bootstraps.
I am also 58 and just tired of dealing with life. I keep trying to look at the positives in life but many days I just don’t see any positives.
I do pray that you feel better soon. I would not wish depression on my worst enemy
I can relate to Terri so much. I’m 53 and trying to believe that I am coming out of 18 months of a major depressive episode. There is no way to explain it at all. I lost 80lbs, and people kept saying how great I looked. If they only knew… I found that after a while, being honest and telling people about it was helpful. Everyone seemed to have a story. I put aside the shame and opened up. People care and although you know they really don’t get it unless they’ve been through it, they end up provideing resources and options and one thing leads to another. A few months ago I had zero hope. Wasn’t suicidal but just wanted out of this horrible place. Suicidal thoughts remain. Appetite is very slow to come back. Hard to listen to music. Being alone is hard. My two teenage daughters and my dog keep me going every day. Friends who “get it” also keep me going. I worry about going back to the darkest time. Fear, cautious, avoidance… have a great therapist who referred me to ketamine treatments which I believe propelled me out of the dark. They were a trip though. Scared me, yet may have been the boost I needed. Day to day here. Used to be minte to minute. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about this horrendous disease that struck me and I wonder if I’ll ever be the same again. Thanks to this forum for helping me feel so not alone. It means the world….
Its funny how all the articles seem to say the same thing and how, inside, I KNOW what helps my depression and what doesn’t, but making the conscious changes until they become a habit are the toughest part… but SO worth it. I just want my brain to fix itself, I’m exhausted mentally from depression, it feels like such a normal life though. There was a short time in my life where I had FINALLY experienced life changing, genuine happiness.. and I was begging to hold that feeling for the rest of my life.. I thought the nightmare was over. But it crept back.. slowly over a year period. And I know what I need to do to get that feeling back… diet and exercise and positive reinforcement.
I have just went through the first MD episode in my life, after 2 years, and right back into my rather stressful working environment, almost without support….(i’m a graduating medical student) i think one good thing is that i learned to avoid (excessive) caffeine, which can make the brain feel unhinged and funny and it needs so much time to recover from it. its a burnout trigger for sure. if one has the habit of taking in many cups of coffee i’d say drink lots and lots water, eat healthy meals to help the liver metabolize and get rid of it.
during the period and shortly after, my memory and concentration suffered, for example, i could not even read comic books, let along textbooks and slides, it was quite scary and it felt like one is suddenly 70 years old.
the “good” side is that the apathy helped me professionally. like one can appear calm all the time. lol
I’m still figuring out a new way to cope after it, my new favorite quote is “no one can tell you to stop, except yourself.” its hard, but i’m on my way…..
and you have my best wishes for anyone who’s been with it.
I struggled with persistent depression for over 20 years. Some years/months were worse than others. I managed to work (sometimes) and study, but other times I couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t bother showering or even changing my clothes. House was a mess, lost all social connection, overwhelming sense of hopelessness and helplessness. The thing which got me on the path out of depression and back to myself was not believing I was ill. I knew I was desperately unhappy, profoundly distressed, emotionally numb, but I couldn’t identify as sick. Yes, i went to the doctor and I took antidepressants for 7 years. Felt marginally better but not much. I realised that drugs don’t really cure depression because depression isn’t an illness. My life on antidepressants wasn’t actually much better. I’m pleased for people who feel a complete sense of normality on antidepressants, but I’m not reading many stories where life is great despite ADs. Depression is a response to stress. It’s totally normal to feel ‘depressed’ / ‘pressed down’ in mood if something in life is out of balance. It’s not our brain chemicals that are out of balance, it’s our lifestyle and our emotional response. There’s not shame in that. We do the very best we can with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. Changing what I believed about depression was the key to my finding myself again.
I’m now 67 yrs old. When I was young – 6 yrs – 24 yrs I was terribly anxious T 25 I got my first taste of depression. I got suicidal. For the last 42 yrs I’d say I’ve spent 35 in the terrible grip of Major Depression. Gone thru all therapies and all drugs . Work for a while and then BAM back worse than before. 5 hospitalizations this yr. Last 5-6 wks were great. Felt amazing. Woke up Fri. 9/15 & depressed as hell. So bad for last 3 days I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe how I feel makes no sense!!
This is a very profound and insightful comment and if more people realised that Depression is a flag that one has exceeded one’s stress tolerance set-level then perhaps AD’s would never be needed.
Recognising the signs of low stress tolerance in our young and teaching them how to structure and make lifestyle choices that suit a low stress tolerance profile would be incredibly beneficial.
As Vickie says – there is, “no shame” in this admittance and I would go further and say that we should teach young people – who are susceptible to depression – to appreciate all of the things that come with a low stress tolerance character profile; things like strong creativity, empathy and communication skills either verbal or written. Not true of all but I’ve met enough people that fit the profile with these traits to convince me that there is some merit in bringing it to attention in these comments.
There are some incredibly brave people on this comment thread – I wish you all mental peace every day.
I had a “major depressive epoisde” I went to a bunch of doctors who prescribed various medications. The wierd thing was that I while I was most “depressed” usually a fuzzy headache coupled with inability to concentrate my heart would go out of rhythm into a-fib and my muscles would twitch. I told my doctor this and he told me it was anxiety. I started to wonder if they knew what they were talking about as I was in the middle of a chaotic house renovation and very stressed and I looked pale and my digestion was off. I took photos of myself as I even thought I looked kind of strange. It took me alsmot 4 years to get well and it wasn’t depression. I’d been exposed to lead paint and my liver was full of stones and I had two different types of parasite in my gut. The experince of getting physically ill and being told your are depressed and not being able to do anything about it eventually needing heart surgery to correct the afib was all pretty traumatic. Especially the part where you are judged as being deficient after formerly being an athelete and a consultant. The place that brought me back to life is called angel farms on the big island of Hawaii. I’m back country skiing again though not at my peak. My conclusion is that your depressive symptoms can be part of an undiagnosed illness and when you heal your bosy your brain works much better. Read the ultramind solution by Hyman.
thank you so much for sharing the story. whoa!
Yea it takes a toll on you, long term effects are actually symptoms which need to be addressed. I battled dysthymia (I recentrly recognized it) for long time and ended up in a major anxiety episode (which is often a byproduct of depression).
I’ve just read too many comments below stating that “depression caused” codependency issues, that they feel lonely (though they already were before, and they maybe have a nice family), that they struggle with their job… oh well, based on my experience and from the last researches it’s like a dog biting its tail. Sure depression worsen and can trigger those issues and they worsen depression, but keep in mind that for many, those problems were already there before they recognized to be depressed. Not everyone have had childhood traumas, but most did, even more if we include those people who don’t recognize dysfunctional relations in family (which is common, that is your only reality and it looks normal to you).
So, although I’m not recovered yet, I can assure you I was in a terrible shape, double depression panic attacks and unbearable anxiety, but I can actually live my life again even if I know that changing my dysfunctional and maladaptive reactions will take more time, hard work, time and hard work.
I.e. to the guy who talked about codependency, it is well known codependency (which is now referred also to dysfunctional families, with or without any addiction, in which one grows) can actually cause emotional problems, chronic depression, anxiety etc, it takes a long time to solve it but you can get much better. Same applies to who wrote about long-effects like feeling disconnected from others or work-related problems, you need to figure out what’s wrong in your perception and work on it which can take months/years (for me it’s years, given that I’ve been in a disfunctional “non-family” for most of my life).
I wonder how can you not link how bad you feel to the loneliness you have in your life, you are missing on the most foundamental need of human beings. I guess you should ask yourself “What prevents me from having meningful relationships ?”. I’ve been lonely and without a family (actually an abusive one) since I was 10yo, so I grew up scared about relationships, I had to touch the deepest of my sufferings to understand how unnatural my life was. Once I turned 27 I started working but I didn’t have an emotional life, no emotional support, no love, I couldn’t survive once I entered the world of work, working didn’t make sense to me. It was like slavery… Why should I waste my life that way? It took the only part that made me feel alive. Well, I can tell you that you can’t find any meaning in any sacrifice/effort if you don’t do them to reach what is important to you (in my case it is “meningful relationships”), this means I have first to work on the issues that prevent me from feeling , giving and receiving love, I have to heal my wounds and disrupt that fear about relationships. Find your problem and work hard fixing it (connect with persons who recovered, do long-term psychotherapy, not cbt one that usually works just on fixing supercial problems, and make a toolbox for skills needed to calm you down and boost neurogeneration like meditation, if needed take medication, for some also engaging in spiritual practice is a big support to recovery, approach at it holistically) I promise it is worth the effort.
Hi Andy, I relate to every word you have written here.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family myself. Had several other challenges one after the other: bullying at school, coming in terms with my sexuality and so on. Not being able to reach peace with my parents, I left home at the age of 17 and have been living on my own for close to 15 years now. I was diagnosed with dysthymia some time back and have been in therapy for the last few years.
After trying to fight the symptoms of depression for a long time, I am actually beginning to accept the reality now. I have had a fairly successful professional run so far, reaching the top 5% of people in my field but I realise that I cannot push myself anymore. I am putting my health and recovery on lower pedestal and pushing too hard to keep my job.
Reading this blog and your comment is a sort of Eureka moment for me. I need to approach things differently. I am not the one to give up easily. I love to love myself and fight for the life I have always wanted to live. I think there is no substitute to resilience and hard work.
Good luck in your journey.
Andy I’ve tried meds and therapy but I’m so lonely. I just don’t know how to connect to anyone. Try reading everything I can find but I don’t know how open myself up to a new relationship or even friendship. I had the same best friend for 40 years and I lost her 5 years ago. She was the only one I ever had that believed in me and really loved me. I’m so lost without her.
A long term effect of depression for me is the failure to connect with others. In my worst moments, I become an extremely violent, foul-mouthed, manipulative, and verbally abusive friend, and I treated my closest friends horribly. Somehow when I start to grow close to someone in particular (or having a BEST friend, in other words), the relationship always spirals into a codependent, abusive, unhealthy relationship . The worst case I’ve ever had was with my good friend, Dee (not her real name). She refused to leave me alone when I was suicidal and ready to stab myself in the neck and (hopefully) sever my carotids. Due to the fact she stopped me, I physically assaulted her and she ended up with bruises on her neck and long cuts on her forearm from my nails. Ever since that incident, I have been sent to a ward for treatment and finally released after a few months. However, ever since that incident, I find myself apathetic to others, therefore failing to form an intimate bond with others. This seems to be for the best, since I have no idea how to maintain a healthy relationship anyway.
Long term effects of depression, for me, diminished credibility. People think im a low life and behave towards me as though I’ve never had anything going for myself. (at least this is what my mind interorets based on my experience of how I used to be entrusted and treated when i wasnt in major depression and ptsd was in check)
Also my physical body. I never go outside and just look for the beauty and ironu and comedy like i used to. My arches have fallen,my knee has been injured and will never be the same. My blood pressure is low and my hearr rate is high. Im protected by a layer of fat that didnt get there from eating. Normally im quite physically amd mentally active. 13% to 9.5% body fat…. My face looks different and everyday i look at myself less and less. Its a walking, or not walking nightmare.
I love the question will i be my old seld again. Because it really IS a honestly DUMB question. Meaning we are never our old self. Even tomorrow we’re different than we were yesterday. So I laugh when I ask that of myself. What i will be is different. From past experiences (thank god) I have a choice to redefine myself. Forget what I USED to do. Its history. If parts spark my attention then far out. I won’t set up expectations. That would put pressure on me and I am pretty sure that I would be depressed again, quickly.
This depression im in now has lasted 3 or 4 years. Im scared now. Older, not as resourceful. My name means nothing anymore. Even to myself. But my heart beats and I feel the darkness is wearing itelf out and I feel a little bit of my wounded warrior tire from this inertia. Im not claiming but am hoping i wont be afraid to grab that rope and pull myself back up on to tje deck of the ship of the living.
Theres a lot to interpret from what i said, as far as how this has changed me. Nobody understands. Its dreadfully painful. But I’m not going to look back for anyone’s approval ever again.
This is a very fabulous article.
Thank you for writing this piece.
Hi I have been living with depression for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I have this depression because nothing traumatic has happened to me thus far. However I thought I could take it, actually I took it until I realised that my mental capabilities are not as strong as they used to be. Now I am in constant fear because I hardly understand when people try and explain concepts to me. This is scary because it affects my work. I don’t know what to do.
How did you happen across this article? I am wondering if it was the same way I did… Are you unbelievably lonely? I am. I never ever thought I’d be lonely let alone this lonely.
I’ve had dysthymia since I was a foster child and I’ve ha had bouts of major depression throughout my life. I’m sixty years old now and after living overseas for twenty years, I moved back to the States to be near my sister. We had a falling out and I am now on my own in a city with no friends or support system. I have been suffering another battle with major depression, failed suicide, and unemployment. I had a good career, but I know that I now can’t cope with that level of stress or technology. It’s just beyond me now. I need to find work, but when you can barely get out the door for fear, it seems unattainable.
I am at the lowest I’ve ever been; depression has made me unrecognizable – I no longer know who I am or how to begin to find a new life – especially at my age. I all feels insurmountable.
Hey.. My name isnt important. But i want share my experience cx i dont know what it is. I am 17 years old. i have depression since 14. and by god’s grace i never give up i fight and fight may b thats why im still alive.. but i tried alot to kill myself but everytime i just end up doing nothing just thinking about the things i will miss when im gone just thinking about my family and friends. But i cant even live cx its really difficult to fight and live with depression. i dont really take pills and never consulted someone who can help me. it was just me. juts me fighting with this since 14. I am experiencing every every every symptom of depression . just everything. the only thing is im not dead but inside i am dead. i know i am adding loads of more things in it which is useless but all these r things i kept inside me for years.. nobody knows about my depression idk how im doing it like its something which kills.. but still im doing fine too.. Im happy sometimes i smile and b okay. but may b its cx that i am used to it.. so lately i have been experiencing weird things cx of which i cant come to an end whether its depression or not. So it was one night. Tbh i was crying my eyes out and when i was okay i went to kitchen and just suddenly i felt like someone was near me and it grabbed me and touched me. i felt like that. and i came to room cx i was scared as i dont know what it was. and then i felt someone was near me. and i can feel it lately alot of time. And its like my brain isnt working and my brain is talking to me or someone inside me just came out and is near me trying to talk or i dont know what it is. or to explain it. And in the morning (after that night when i felt someone was near me) i saw my favorite thing in the floor broken. Well it was something i made for my lover, who isnt my bf but i love him.. but he dont may b we have loads of issues..i dont remember whether i did it or anyone else.. i just know nobody else did that cx even mom and my bro knows that how special it was for me. and they wont break it… and i have been overthinking alot cx of him.. Is it possible that i did it and i forgot? something like this never happened.. is it possible to forget things we did when we r depressed? may b i was depressed and i just break it thinking abt him and forget? is that possible in depression? feeling someone near you.. touching you grabbing you.. trying to talk to you as if its someone inside from your body.. plx tell me whether its cx of depression or not? help me!
Hey Noname:)
I just read your story and I think it would be the best idea for you to find some help. Maybe from your doctor? Your family does not need to know if you don’t want them to.
I know how depression feels and talking with somebody about it really helped me personally. And the other things (like feeling somebody near you) might have to do with depression, but it might be something else too. But these kind of things can be too hard to fix on your own, almost impossible. It would be a good idea to find a doctor who can help you understand your problems and making them easier to cope with! I really hope you do take care of yourself! You’re worth taking care off.
Hi im not writing about my own story but my girlfriend’s. Im 14 and and my gf have been together for almost a year. We broke up at one point due to how bad her depression was she was very suicidal and i needed to give her time to heal. Although i didn’t realise that she may never be able to heal. She has taken antidepressants and some have worked which caused us to get back together she was happy and lovable but she got off them because she said “she dosent feel like herself” shes been depressed for so long just beinh happy isnt who she is. All she knows herself as has always been unsocial an introvert and sad. She has no answers and is havinh trouble coping i can see her getting close to her breaking point again. So far no answers but if she dosent get help soon i wont doubt her trying to end her life again. Not sure if theres any answers or if its gonna be like this forever? Will it get better? She has seen a therpaist of course but always the same thing more antidepressants but how does she find herself she feels stuck