Have you ever wondered if multiple episodes of depression change you so much that you’ll never get back to your old self? Most people I hear from say: I want to be myself again. That’s their definition of recovery. Can it happen?
I found an interesting discussion about long-term changes in an online journal called Medicographia. The editors posed a question to psychiatrists and researchers from around the world and printed their responses together.
Here’s the question: Is the patient really the same after a major depressive episode?
The experts cover a lot of ideas, and I can’t summarize them all. But here’s an overview of their findings. Most of them believe that you’ll never be quite the same again.
Full Recovery
Naturally, some people do better than others. Many cope well with depression, avoid negative thinking and can spring back from the illness. They’ve got good resilience. If that picture fits you, there’s more good news.
If you’re in great shape after an episode of major depression, meaning full remission of all symptoms, it will probably be a long time before you have another episode. You may even be done with depression for good.
Even if you do get another episode or a whole series of them, you’re more likely to get back your full health in between each period of depression. More depression is not a happy prospect, but being totally yourself after each episode is about as good as it gets.
Residual Symptoms
Others don’t do so well. (I wish I didn’t always fit into this unlucky “others” category.) They have repeated episodes that cause long-term biological and psychological changes. Those changes lower your threshold for getting depressed the next time around.
Any residual symptoms after you’ve “recovered” mean you’ll likely have a much shorter break before depression strikes again than the folks who get rid of all their symptoms.
There’s a big problem, however, in figuring out whether you’re symptom-free or not. A physician who’s treating you, whether psychiatrist or primary care doctor, usually doesn’t measure your response to treatment with a formal rating scale, such as researchers use.
Your doctor wants to know how you’re doing with the major symptoms you’ve been most concerned about. If those are going away, you’ve “responded” to treatment. In other words, there’s been a reduction in symptoms. Great. You’re both feeling good about the outcome.
But there could be other symptoms you haven’t mentioned because they didn’t bother you so much – or perhaps you never connected them with depression.
Research is showing that there are many differences among people who are considered to be in remission. To measure these differences, they use to a formal rating scale, consisting of a series of questions about the severity and frequency of symptoms. The Hamilton scale is the most widely used. It assigns points for each answer, and an arbitrary lower limit has been set as the boundary between full remission and illness. However, that boundary isn’t 0. It’s 7.
Many “remitters” have mild symptoms ( with a score of 3-7) and face a much greater possibility of having a recurrence than full remitters (0-2). Apparently, even mild remaining symptoms predict more rapid relapse. So medical professionals are now urged to keep treatment going until every symptom is gone.
Long-Term Changes
The changes depression brings with it can reach into many dimensions of your life: biological, psychological and social.
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Social:
Family: Depression is an illness that affects the whole family. In the midst of an episode, you may have a lot of conflict in your closest relationships and try to isolate yourself from the people who need you the most. The damage doesn’t disappear overnight after you’ve started feeling better. If depression has continued for some time, or you’ve been through many recurrences, your family, especially your partner, can begin to get depressed as well. These are long-term wounds that take time to heal.
Work: Depression can affect the way others think about and behave toward you, especially at work. They may regard you as unstable or unreliable and be reluctant to entrust new projects to you. Stigma can affect your attitude toward yourself as well. It’s easy to internalize an opinion that you’re diminished by the illness or that you should have been able to handle it better.
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Psychological:
Fear: After you’ve been through a serious depressive episode and lived with its disabling effects, you don’t want to go through it again. You may feel a lot of anxiety and fear about recurrence. Everyone wants to avoid a return of the illness and usually follows a treatment path to prevent it from happening.
Some people also get very cautious about avoiding stressful conditions that might trigger a new episode. That’s understandable and often necessary. But it can be hard to find a balance between realistic assessment of the risks you face and acting out of fear and anxiety.
The risk of recurrence is all too real, so following the treatment you’ve chosen and adapting your life style to stay as healthy as possible are wise and necessary strategies. At the same time, though, there’s a danger of underestimating what you can do and avoiding taking action that could turn out to strengthen your sense of self and level of resilience.
I’ve had a long fight with this sort of caution, fear and avoidance. Living with them has been a significant psychological change that has often blocked me from testing myself to see exactly what I can accomplish. I think of it as one of those scars of depression that needs its own therapy.
Memory: Researchers describe a couple of long-term changes in memory brought on by recurrent depression, and sometimes by single, prolonged episodes. Memory changes have a lot to do with brain biology, but living with the effects can bring on major psychological changes as well.
One is difficulty holding onto short-term memories. I’ve had a steady worsening in the ability to retain things people tell me as part of daily living. It’s a problem that also affected my work, which required me to track and summarize complicated discussions in large groups. This is a common effect of depression, but unfortunately it can continue after a depressive episode is over.
One of the researchers in the symposium brought out another aspect of memory I hadn’t thought much about. Instead of emphasizing memory loss, he points out that depression is an intense experience that can etch some memories in great detail for permanent storage.
These are the memories of emotionally and negatively charged experiences that occur during depressive episodes. As this researcher puts it, memory is a way of prolonging the past. Through vivid memories of negative experience, depression keeps up its influence long after an episode is over. Those memories can overshadow new incidents and cause them to be interpreted negatively as well. These memories contribute to a recurring cycle of depressive ideas about yourself and make you more vulnerable to a new episode.
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Biological:
Social and psychological changes may be bad, but at least you can work on them in therapy and support groups. Biological changes are completely beyond your ability to control. Hopefully, medications will eventually help correct them, but right now the changes themselves and their relationship to depression aren’t clear enough to lead to specific biological treatment.
The best documented change has to do with brain anatomy. The size of the hippocampus, an area linked to memory formation among other things, is smaller in people who’ve lived with depression – the longer the depression, the smaller the hippocampus.
This could be related to a reduction in the level of BDNF, a protein which is crucial in the formation of new neurons. As BDNF decreases neuron cells lose the support they need to survive. BDNF is active in the hippocampus, among other areas of the brain, and a decrease in its availability may be one of the causes of its reduction in size. Depression also relates to higher levels of stress hormones that can have a variety of destructive impacts. More familiar from all the publicity surrounding antidepressants is the effect that the illness is thought to have on neurotransmitters. Reductions in the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine, in particular, have long been associated with depressive symptoms.
The connections among these and many other biological processes and their relationship to depression are still under study. But the biological dimension of depression seems to have long-term consequences on brain functions and may make each of us more vulnerable to recurrence of the illness.
What Can Be Done?
Given the breadth of potentially long-term, even permanent changes, how effective are current therapies in dealing with them?
The consensus of the researchers seems to favor the use of varied treatments to manage each type of change. They recommend a holistic approach instead of total reliance on antidepressant medication.
The next post will explore the brighter side of treatment. As more is known about how antidepressants actually work, it appears that they may counteract some of the major biological changes caused by depression. A variety of psychotherapies can also help deal with the psychological and social changes that untreated depression can inflict.
So there may be hope that you can be yourself again, though perhaps showing some wear-and-tear.
What long-term changes have you observed in your life as a result of depression?
Image by Cane Rosso at Flickr
Many instances the mix of factors makes it in order that no one therapy will likely be effective sufficient
to insure that the sufferer won’t ever experience symptoms of depression once more.
I dont know how to feel differently than being depressed asI have tried for years to get help through my local hospital but alas I have been forgotton.
I am on my own now not seeing anyone now for nearly 2 months.
I really believe this world.
I feel is no longer a nice place to be when I feel really alienated and dont have a good reason to keep going.
Dont think the medical proffesion know how to help you and anti depreesants are not the answer look what happened down in Perth
grand father murderedhis whole family daughter and 4 children.
How do you hold out hope when you cant find a way out?
Depression can feel like a very long and dark tunnel and like there is no way out. I am living proof that there is hope and there is a light at the end of that tunnel. My depression got so bad I was suicidal. I just felt like there was no hope. I kept asking God, “when is it ever going to end? “ “when will I ever feel normal again?” The doctors were not listening or taking me seriously. It was 100% Jesus who healed me. He showed me that there were bad things that happened in my family’s history that needed to be put right and once I had dealt with the things he showed me my depression completely went away. If it wasn’t for Jesus I don’t know if I would still be here right now. Things are so much better now and I am really looking forward to the future. I just want to encourage you and anybody who reads this that if you are suffering from depression, that there is hope and you will come out of this stronger and better for it. You may not be exactly the same you but you will have more tenacity and endurance. If you can get through this then you can through anything!
Major depression, PTSD, and disassociation. 47 years old and I have had some of these or all, hard to say since high school. I only found out that I had these mental disorder about two years ago. Up until then, I just thought I was just dumb. Maybe I am still dumb, but at least now I am aware that being dumb doesn’t cause the weird, ridiculous, annoying, terrifying, isolating emotional/social/physical experiences I have pretty much often. And having to get overwhelmed by people, and physically being tired by those experiences that it makes me dull, sleepy, and check out. And always trying to control my body so I don’t exaggerate my expressions, or unnecessarily raising my voice, or sounding like I just woke up . It’s so pathetic, and weird, no wonder I rather be alone. Better, than see people’s reaction to it, and how they treat me for it. Or being unable to greet people when I should, but I can’t because I can’t deal with rejection.
I am bitter. Bitter that those who knew about my abuse from my father, could have a least comforted me as a child, and maybe, just maybe I would be a different person today. And with those whom I had trusted to stop a teacher from molesting me, didn’t do a thing.
So every time I am weird, and people react to me, it causes so much pain, and I remember again why I am the way that I am. No amount of toughing it out, talking or thinking a certain way is going to help.
My brain will turn off when I am talking to people I can’t modulate my self, and my thinking, it’s a jumble mess of emotions, and thoughts, and nothingness. Sometimes there are no words for how I feel, I just don’t know what I feel.
It would be easier, if people would react with kindness, and compassion. Instead of mockery, or disrespect, or perhaps fear.
I managed to be married, and have children, in my defense my depression wasn’t always so bad, It just got much worse these last few years. Had I known that I would end up this way, I wouldn’t have gotten married. It’s kinda sad that I feel the need to apologize for having gotten a family, me with the broken brain. I think it’s guilt talking.
They love me, and I wonder all the time what is wrong with my spouse for loving me, that something must be off with him. And I think that my children will one day see me for who I really am, the way I think all the others who know me, see me and be disgusted by me.
I am faulty, and ridiculous and having these disorders would be funny if it wasn’t tragic and such a waste.
I am exactly the same maybe a little more depressive than you are. I am in fight with depression since I can remember. I am 31 male married . I have depressive episodes in weekly bases. Each time I recover from it I clean up the mess and the toxicity I give to my family when I am in the deepest level of hell. Hopefully I reincarnate again with stable mentally healthy. And I wish you stable mental health
Its not that you think you are dumb it is because you trusted other people would do the right thing by you. It is not people like you and me that are the sick ones. If you are different people take advantage of you. I dont smoke or drinks or drugs and because of this people do not want to socialise with you that in itself maks you feel unwanted and unloved.I lost my boys to an alcoholic husband whu told me that I was an unfit mother who is he to judge me.I am the fool I trusted him for 19yrs and not once did he or my sons ever said they loved me.I gave my boys up to himas I could not keep them th way they were used to so I walked away from the marriage and left them with him.
Always remember It takes two to tango not everything is your fault it is also the other person.
hello…im 17 yrs old….n i want to share my experience of battling depression [that im still doing]…i hope some1 out there may relate to it…not feel alone …n also help me …..in 2016 i was done with my tenth n guess what i scored 98% in my boards…..actually it wasnt a surprise …i actually cried coz i wantd full marks ….really i was such a different person then frm what im now …n sometimes i feel to just close my eyes remember the previous me n do things differently …bt its nt that simple!…i was brilliant at academicd n other activities i learnt kuchipudi n gave few performances .i liked to give my 100% to any task …..i was a tension taker bt then the tension ws good……or atleast it never had a negative effect on me …..n i was also a filmy buff ……i loved acting in front of a mirror ….n really somewhere aspired to b an actor….the idea really excited me bt then i knew its risky n tough too..aftr 10th i ws really confused on which path to choose ….i had 2 options like any1 out there in india…..engineering or medicine…..medicine ws nice bt then i realised ill have work fr many yrs…n so i chose engineering with no true goal of becoming one….there wasnt any passion……i went to a residential college …..it ws new to me….i wasnt independant till then …i was homesick n scared bt i knew i had to overcome all fear……i remembered ppl saying me that THESE TWO YRS [11th n 12th]R VERY CRUCIAL …YOU HAVE TO WORK VERY VERY HARD …..YOU SHOULD SACRIFICE MANY THINGS N NOT SIMPLY HAVE FUN …..YOU SHOULD BE VERY DISCIPLINED N BE AWAY FRM PPL WHO TALK N WASTE TIME……I srsly took a paper n noted few points like these to follow …..i had taken the words far too srsly ……i wasnt spking much with anyone ….i wud just reply …….ppl started thinking that im too proud n selfish …..i used to ask my doubts to others …..i was trouble to understand stuff there …..ppl wud often nt want to answer to my doubts ……n few days before our weekly exam i wouldnt even take bath fr days in a row as i wud have to wake up at 4 or 5 am to get an empty washroom…..i wuldnt drink water ……i wudnt comb my hair properly…….in the canteen i wud sit wid ppl bt i felt chatting is a WASTE of time so i wud keep planning the rest of the day n further too…..i was surrounded by many ppl bt i was LONELY……my head wud plead fr help…..it used to pain in b/w my eyebrows ………few good roommates of mine wud do a head massage sometimes……once i simply caught the girl who had pressed my fore head …..closed my eyes n said some thing abt my worries n then wept badly……i was so used to talking in head that in the class room once the teacher wud arrive …..i wud started saying in my mind…..OK SO NOW ITS OK LEAVE THE PAST OK SHSHSH…..NOW FRM NOW ILL CONCENTRATE WELL N LISTEN TO SIR….. ILL UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT N NOT HESITATE TO ASK QUESTION…..OK SHSHSHSOOO….LISTEN OK GOOD….123 ….OK START SHSHSHSHO……123…I WUD ALL THESE BT BY THEN THE TEACHER HAD ALREADY EXPLANED A LOT N THEN I WUD PANIC N AGain try to spk to myself i wud want ti stop the muttering in my head ….i wud say the shhshhshh 123….without my control n i was really frustrated of the habit…..i fell really sick …..n my marks became very low….just single digit marks …..i kept tring i never gave up…….i wud open my book to solve a question n then i wud read 4 words of a question n again come back to the first word …..i wouldnt be able to even finish the question ….n even if i did i wouldnt understand it at all!….i wud call my dad everyday n cry…n then finally my dad took me to a psychologist who prescribed tablets …..i shifted to other clg n went frm home…..the twist being that i shifted to medicine in the middle of the year!……onths slipped into an year ……i used to feel my heart beating faster n me taking deeper breaths ….i wud pinch myself to concentrate n i wud say that i wannna become an actress so firmly that now i laugh on myself fr that …..bt then i was stubborn even the doctor tried to convince my mom instead to join me fr acting!…..then i simply liked to bunk clg…..i wud have no regrets n no fear nnnoooo tension!!…..i was enjoying it to simply lay on my bed……finally somehow i completed my 12th n now im actualy only getting repeated episodes of depression which occur once in 2 or 3 days …..in bw im kind of myself …bt the prob is that i m not suicidal….infact i really want to get back on track n study i keep makin plans n timetables bt when i open my book something stops me i cant study …..im scared my dad wont allow me to take a year so as to study well this time n get a mbbs seat in a good govt medical university …..n somewhere even i have lost hope …..i hav given up externally in terms of trying bt my intrnal mind isnt accepting defeat it still wants ti fight…..
Omg your story seems so identical to mine. I have had my depression in high school too because I wanted to get in medicine, and I had a lot of pression to concentrate and study for the exams. I usually had always had great mark, but at the end of the 12th grade my head was so messed up with my thoughts and sadness that there was a time that I couldn’t understand a phrase that I was reading. I managed to go to veterinary, I coulnd’t enter in medicine. But still, I was not well, I gave up vet university because I was not enjoying (I actually couldn’t enjoy much things. I lost hope, no one helped me they thought I was just stressed and agressive, even my family. Then I went to pysiotherapy university to study, I got some really 2 good friends who helped me go through the depression. I never gave up, I knew that I was and I am a good person, inteligent and funny. In my last and 4th year of the course of physiotherapy I thought I was strong enough to go to Erasmus. I wasn’t, 2 months after I had a recidive and my depression attacked because I was vulnerable and my family was far. I needed to go back to my country, I thought I was going to loose the year in university but that didn’t matter, I was not feeling ok. Finally my parents took me to a psychistrist and I started medication. Now, 5 months later I am feeling almost normal with my emotions but I am not the same. I always feel that my relationship with my family is not the same as it used to be. I cried so many tines in front of my mom that I don’t feel strong, I feel a needy person, quiet, and I still hope to be the person that I was. I fight every day. I didn’ losse my year, I went on in 2nd semester and made some subjects from the 1st semester. But sometimes I just think how unfair this is
i get what u say n feel……..i feel angry that that there is so much stigma associated to it…..fever cold cancer n even aids is ok to b a topic to be spoken abt bt things like these r supposedly odd n wrong …..i think you should read this book-LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT by Preeti shenoy……it revolves around the same incidents that we both r experiencing…….n i think you should take up some hobby of urs….i know you feel the lack of energy n interest bt just do it….smthng like writing ,painting ,dancing ……take it easy….dont be so harsh on yourself….n most importantly dont isolate yourself though u want to…..bt then DONT compare yourself with others ever .thats the worst thing to do….your life is YOURS…….you can take up creative writing,hotel management etc remember its nt a sin to do smtng most others arnt doin….if U like it….if u have any advice pls share it with me…im giving u so many bt srsly im nt following them …i WANT to bt i feel defeated….my inner me is just nt listening
I have a non cured depression since i was very young. Today I’m 26, almost 27 and It’s back stronger affecting many fields, my job, my relashionship, and everything that surround me. It’s like all over the years I have to be stronger then it, but all my thoughts are confused, I doubt everything. I left my family one year ago for many reasons, they didn’t understand, now my bf doesnt. He only notice my change of behaviour and mood all the time. Maybe he’s used to see me strong, but haven’t notice this part of me. I have the constant feeling of no belonging nowhere, not feeling warmly welcome nowhere. I dont want to leave him, i ve been learning how to handle , however, sometimes seems the things are getting out of the control. And i even doudt him and his real intentions. When the things get crazy, i constant feeling of desappear. He also has his issues, I understand. So I decided to keep to myself, but he notice my begaviours. I tell him, it’s too much for one person. It’s like if was carrying the world over my sholders. Things like these, remi d’s me Robie williams, he made everybody laugh but he was the only who was carrying his pain and personal hell, the battle in his mind.
I dont think depression can be cured you just have to learn to live with it.I too have felt similar and yes it is a 24/7 battle in the world we live in now you can never be sure about another persons motives.
I was married for 19 yrs and you would think you would know the person you were married to but he stole my boys from me.
Robin Williams was great in the movie Patch Adams have you seen it?
My episodes of depression happened in my last 3 semesters in college. I had given up taking the govt exam-CPALE because I can’t handle being empty and unhappy anymore. So sad that my passion in studying lead to overworked then lead to depression. Worst, I can’t get a job because when I relay my story, they assumed that I can’t handle stress and incapable. And the hell, people keep on misunderstanding me(because I can really see how they expect alot from me); even my family and closest friends, so i have learned to isolate myself too. I am okay right now- I have won my personal battle,so sure with that, but I admit it is equally harder to fight the battle against the world ( especially I am affected with how my family feels).
Felt relaxed after reading this article. I thaught I was the only one who cant get rid of all the depresion syntoms. Has gone through a lot in the past 2/3 years.
Same I’ve been treated and am still experiencing issues, before it hit I was happy and giddy, and all around swell, High on life really. I may be over the brunt of it but I’m far from back to normal, I can still laugh, and enjoy things but to a much lesser degree. Sometimes I cry when I remember how things used to be, because I want nothing more than to have that zeal back. Yet, it hasn’t, and in its place it’s left a deep vengeful hatred, it’s because of these experiences that I became anti-social and even lost faith in religion. Over time it chipped away at me until I got angry, furious even, and over a period of 2 years after the first successful treatment I am an angry, hardened shell of who I used to be. Where did everything go so wrong?
What makes having all these problems that all these writers on this site have and I can also relate to is when you have been lied and bullied by the people that you go to for councelling etc You are supposed to be able to trust them but they let you down even further.
Now I feel really lost and unloved and I can only say as others have also that you will never be the same as you cannot put it all back in the box.
Agreed… I have been in the same situation.
All I want to say is that I AM TRULY TRULY SORRY GOD FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE AMEN
Hi my name is Michelle and I guess I went through depression because of how people were treating me and saying bad stuff to me and that made me upset and I send that how much I hate my life and I now know that how much it was wrong to say that and most importantly to my Almighty GOD that was wrong of me to say stuff like that. Also I sed that I want to pass away even though I don’t want too I want to live as long as GOD says it’s time and all I want to say to GOD is that I’M TRULY SORRY for MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE IM MY LIFE. GOD PLEASE and PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY and THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR ME and LOVING ME. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY AMEN
All I can say to all of you is that you need to “Be Here Now”, YOU EXIST. Your sitting or lying there reading these words that I typed here in Ocala, FL on 10/22/2017, and WE EXIST :), smile (even if you have to force one do it right now!)
Every time you think about looking into the abyss concentrate on what’s in the room, what’s your name? what day is it? how old are you? do you still have all your fingers and all your toes? is anything missing from this room? if so go look for it, are you hungry? if so go eat….is this room clean to your liking? if not go clean it…..do you like how you look naked? no? time to go to your local 24 hour gym. you would be so absolutely surprised at how fast you can fight back against this demon if you just keep your mind busy when you start feeling down.
I have a permanent reminder starting from my wrist and ending at about my elbow of what can happen when things go too dark. I wanted it to be over and I did my best to get there before passing out but luckily my brother had decided to stop by that day and he just so happens to be an emt. Some of you aren’t going to be that lucky, so don’t even try it. Just keep your mind busy, and if you find that you are always TRYING to think about your anxiety or fear then it might be a good sign that it is time to adopt a pet or a/several new hobby/hobbies. It works I promise it does but you have to actually go in with hope that it can get better.
BE HERE NOW!
amen to that ???? thankgod you was found you give hope to those who feel all hope is gone . i wish you a good life
Thank you. You give me hope. So happy your brother saved you. Maybe you were saved to help others
My depression was brought on by pregnancy. I was crying over stupid stuff. Then when I asked for help from my obstetricians, I was told that because I was now ” fat”, and my “self esteem wasnt what it should be.” I never went back to her. For the following year, I had several family members die and also watched my dad almost die and he stayed in ICU for over a month in a coma. I was his ” next of kin”, so I was responsible for his care management. This was the icing on the cake for my chemical imbalance. Suddenly things started to spin. I mean REALLY SPIN. Vertigo. Ill skip to the fun stuff… My ENDOCRINOLOGIST ( not a vagina doctor) said that my body isn’t making enough serotonin to maintain balance. He said the biggest side effect of low serotonin is vertigo.
My baby is now 10 and I deal with bouts of depression everytime major life stuff happens. Im on paxil and it helps, but after an episode, I seem to be hung over from it. The latest was Hurricane Irma covering the entire state of Florida and then a big bit of turmoil at my job and it all resulted in, I was a hot mess. Im looking forward to seeing my doctor next week. He wont raise my meds because its important to him that I cope on my own. My fear is, what about when I cant?
I’m 58 years old and suffered with persistent depression for most of my life. I have had many episodes of major depression over the years and have usually managed to return to my normal, albeit mildly depressed self. Last summer, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I’ve been fighting it for over a year now. For a while, I felt like the medication and therapy were working, and I felt hopeful that I would recover soon. Lately, the depression has gotten much worse. I just feel like my life will never be good again. No hope of ever being happy again. I just don’t want to exist anymore. I’m not suicidal–I just want it to be over. None of the major episodes I’ve had in the past lasted more than a couple of months. This one is so different, and it’s been over a year. I’m tired and I just don’t have any hope left. People that have never experienced true depression just can’t understand the anguish and pain that it causes. There is no way to explain it. No one knows how I feel. I don’t even want to tell my therapist how far I have slipped back into the despair. I just don’t have the energy.
T.
Hope you mentioned is vital. Bottom Line. There is hope and Love is the need. Power of Prayer helped me fall into the depth of dispair.
Understanding God’s plan & purposes has given ppl a new prospective & outlook on life, work & relationships. Read that 10 minutes of walking helps with mood. As a Nutritionist I’d say eat fresh food. Anything in a bag, box or cramed into a can is dead food. Lightly steam veggies since to much raw food some ppl”s gut can’t take it. Expend Energy to Get Energy.
Music: changed my choice. It got me moving.
Remember Your Never alone. Many Good Samaritians in this Beautiful World we all share.
hey man im jason this is such a mirror image of myself and it does bring a tear ..i ve had depression and anxiety for 24yrs with 9 major replapse s .when i was younger the realpses were more severe but were shorter and i recovered some what but not completely as i got older with more relapses my relapse episodes have got longer and longer .less some what severe but that i can drag myself to do stuff but it s like im so still detached form everything and everyone ..it s like a numbness and im having to fake everything to seem normal which doesn t help much …but listen as im writing this im in another bad place .and yes i constant battle thoughts of suicide .but one thing at the moment keeps me in the game of life and thats hope .without it it s a game changer ..the hope is knowingly better treatments for treatment resistment depression are fast approaching and work in hours .not weeks or months or not at all like curent treatment and don t get me started on current treatment because at the moment i don t have much hope in it .but that s what depression does to you ..negatives everywhere .yeah i get you terri im tired form this illness and im ready to lay down too ..all the best terri ..here s my email ad,if you ever want to chat . jas [dot] md76 [at] gmail [dot] com i probably won t be back on this site but if you want to talk email me ..thanks ,,see ya
Thanks, it’s good to know someone else understands. I feel like a ghost sometimes. I think it is like the detachment you talk about. I think about suicide constantly, but then I think of how much it would affect my two grandchildren. I could never do that to them. They are 6 and 10. I could never lay a burden like that on them. I’ve managed to get through 15 months of this. I’m functional–more or less. I go to work every day. I pick up the grandkids every couple of weeks. When I’m alone, I cry. Mornings are the worst. Anyway, I’m okay. I’m not going to hurt myself. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Terri,
I’m 38 and currently going through a bout of anxiety/depression. This is my 3rd in my life. I have nothing but love and respect for fellow strugglers.
I’m currently on lexapro and starting to feel a small lift in my mood, still a long way to go.
I read a few places that men can have low testosterone and that will contribute to depression. If medication is not doing it’s job for you, have you had your hormones checked?
I will pray for you,
Lynn
I feel exactly the same . So very sad and tired that it is even hard to write this …
at the age of 59 I had a major depressive disorder that lasted close to 3 years. Believe me you can come back from it. Talk to your doctor openly and get the help you need.
I so understand exactly what you said. My latest episode has been on going for over 2 years. I am done, not suicidal just want this life to be done.
I have had episodes of depression since my teens, making it worse my mother would get angry at me and tell me to pick myself up by my bootstraps.
I am also 58 and just tired of dealing with life. I keep trying to look at the positives in life but many days I just don’t see any positives.
I do pray that you feel better soon. I would not wish depression on my worst enemy
I can relate to Terri so much. I’m 53 and trying to believe that I am coming out of 18 months of a major depressive episode. There is no way to explain it at all. I lost 80lbs, and people kept saying how great I looked. If they only knew… I found that after a while, being honest and telling people about it was helpful. Everyone seemed to have a story. I put aside the shame and opened up. People care and although you know they really don’t get it unless they’ve been through it, they end up provideing resources and options and one thing leads to another. A few months ago I had zero hope. Wasn’t suicidal but just wanted out of this horrible place. Suicidal thoughts remain. Appetite is very slow to come back. Hard to listen to music. Being alone is hard. My two teenage daughters and my dog keep me going every day. Friends who “get it” also keep me going. I worry about going back to the darkest time. Fear, cautious, avoidance… have a great therapist who referred me to ketamine treatments which I believe propelled me out of the dark. They were a trip though. Scared me, yet may have been the boost I needed. Day to day here. Used to be minte to minute. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about this horrendous disease that struck me and I wonder if I’ll ever be the same again. Thanks to this forum for helping me feel so not alone. It means the world….
Its funny how all the articles seem to say the same thing and how, inside, I KNOW what helps my depression and what doesn’t, but making the conscious changes until they become a habit are the toughest part… but SO worth it. I just want my brain to fix itself, I’m exhausted mentally from depression, it feels like such a normal life though. There was a short time in my life where I had FINALLY experienced life changing, genuine happiness.. and I was begging to hold that feeling for the rest of my life.. I thought the nightmare was over. But it crept back.. slowly over a year period. And I know what I need to do to get that feeling back… diet and exercise and positive reinforcement.
I have just went through the first MD episode in my life, after 2 years, and right back into my rather stressful working environment, almost without support….(i’m a graduating medical student) i think one good thing is that i learned to avoid (excessive) caffeine, which can make the brain feel unhinged and funny and it needs so much time to recover from it. its a burnout trigger for sure. if one has the habit of taking in many cups of coffee i’d say drink lots and lots water, eat healthy meals to help the liver metabolize and get rid of it.
during the period and shortly after, my memory and concentration suffered, for example, i could not even read comic books, let along textbooks and slides, it was quite scary and it felt like one is suddenly 70 years old.
the “good” side is that the apathy helped me professionally. like one can appear calm all the time. lol
I’m still figuring out a new way to cope after it, my new favorite quote is “no one can tell you to stop, except yourself.” its hard, but i’m on my way…..
and you have my best wishes for anyone who’s been with it.
I struggled with persistent depression for over 20 years. Some years/months were worse than others. I managed to work (sometimes) and study, but other times I couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t bother showering or even changing my clothes. House was a mess, lost all social connection, overwhelming sense of hopelessness and helplessness. The thing which got me on the path out of depression and back to myself was not believing I was ill. I knew I was desperately unhappy, profoundly distressed, emotionally numb, but I couldn’t identify as sick. Yes, i went to the doctor and I took antidepressants for 7 years. Felt marginally better but not much. I realised that drugs don’t really cure depression because depression isn’t an illness. My life on antidepressants wasn’t actually much better. I’m pleased for people who feel a complete sense of normality on antidepressants, but I’m not reading many stories where life is great despite ADs. Depression is a response to stress. It’s totally normal to feel ‘depressed’ / ‘pressed down’ in mood if something in life is out of balance. It’s not our brain chemicals that are out of balance, it’s our lifestyle and our emotional response. There’s not shame in that. We do the very best we can with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. Changing what I believed about depression was the key to my finding myself again.
I’m now 67 yrs old. When I was young – 6 yrs – 24 yrs I was terribly anxious T 25 I got my first taste of depression. I got suicidal. For the last 42 yrs I’d say I’ve spent 35 in the terrible grip of Major Depression. Gone thru all therapies and all drugs . Work for a while and then BAM back worse than before. 5 hospitalizations this yr. Last 5-6 wks were great. Felt amazing. Woke up Fri. 9/15 & depressed as hell. So bad for last 3 days I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe how I feel makes no sense!!
This is a very profound and insightful comment and if more people realised that Depression is a flag that one has exceeded one’s stress tolerance set-level then perhaps AD’s would never be needed.
Recognising the signs of low stress tolerance in our young and teaching them how to structure and make lifestyle choices that suit a low stress tolerance profile would be incredibly beneficial.
As Vickie says – there is, “no shame” in this admittance and I would go further and say that we should teach young people – who are susceptible to depression – to appreciate all of the things that come with a low stress tolerance character profile; things like strong creativity, empathy and communication skills either verbal or written. Not true of all but I’ve met enough people that fit the profile with these traits to convince me that there is some merit in bringing it to attention in these comments.
There are some incredibly brave people on this comment thread – I wish you all mental peace every day.
I had a “major depressive epoisde” I went to a bunch of doctors who prescribed various medications. The wierd thing was that I while I was most “depressed” usually a fuzzy headache coupled with inability to concentrate my heart would go out of rhythm into a-fib and my muscles would twitch. I told my doctor this and he told me it was anxiety. I started to wonder if they knew what they were talking about as I was in the middle of a chaotic house renovation and very stressed and I looked pale and my digestion was off. I took photos of myself as I even thought I looked kind of strange. It took me alsmot 4 years to get well and it wasn’t depression. I’d been exposed to lead paint and my liver was full of stones and I had two different types of parasite in my gut. The experince of getting physically ill and being told your are depressed and not being able to do anything about it eventually needing heart surgery to correct the afib was all pretty traumatic. Especially the part where you are judged as being deficient after formerly being an athelete and a consultant. The place that brought me back to life is called angel farms on the big island of Hawaii. I’m back country skiing again though not at my peak. My conclusion is that your depressive symptoms can be part of an undiagnosed illness and when you heal your bosy your brain works much better. Read the ultramind solution by Hyman.
thank you so much for sharing the story. whoa!
Yea it takes a toll on you, long term effects are actually symptoms which need to be addressed. I battled dysthymia (I recentrly recognized it) for long time and ended up in a major anxiety episode (which is often a byproduct of depression).
I’ve just read too many comments below stating that “depression caused” codependency issues, that they feel lonely (though they already were before, and they maybe have a nice family), that they struggle with their job… oh well, based on my experience and from the last researches it’s like a dog biting its tail. Sure depression worsen and can trigger those issues and they worsen depression, but keep in mind that for many, those problems were already there before they recognized to be depressed. Not everyone have had childhood traumas, but most did, even more if we include those people who don’t recognize dysfunctional relations in family (which is common, that is your only reality and it looks normal to you).
So, although I’m not recovered yet, I can assure you I was in a terrible shape, double depression panic attacks and unbearable anxiety, but I can actually live my life again even if I know that changing my dysfunctional and maladaptive reactions will take more time, hard work, time and hard work.
I.e. to the guy who talked about codependency, it is well known codependency (which is now referred also to dysfunctional families, with or without any addiction, in which one grows) can actually cause emotional problems, chronic depression, anxiety etc, it takes a long time to solve it but you can get much better. Same applies to who wrote about long-effects like feeling disconnected from others or work-related problems, you need to figure out what’s wrong in your perception and work on it which can take months/years (for me it’s years, given that I’ve been in a disfunctional “non-family” for most of my life).
I wonder how can you not link how bad you feel to the loneliness you have in your life, you are missing on the most foundamental need of human beings. I guess you should ask yourself “What prevents me from having meningful relationships ?”. I’ve been lonely and without a family (actually an abusive one) since I was 10yo, so I grew up scared about relationships, I had to touch the deepest of my sufferings to understand how unnatural my life was. Once I turned 27 I started working but I didn’t have an emotional life, no emotional support, no love, I couldn’t survive once I entered the world of work, working didn’t make sense to me. It was like slavery… Why should I waste my life that way? It took the only part that made me feel alive. Well, I can tell you that you can’t find any meaning in any sacrifice/effort if you don’t do them to reach what is important to you (in my case it is “meningful relationships”), this means I have first to work on the issues that prevent me from feeling , giving and receiving love, I have to heal my wounds and disrupt that fear about relationships. Find your problem and work hard fixing it (connect with persons who recovered, do long-term psychotherapy, not cbt one that usually works just on fixing supercial problems, and make a toolbox for skills needed to calm you down and boost neurogeneration like meditation, if needed take medication, for some also engaging in spiritual practice is a big support to recovery, approach at it holistically) I promise it is worth the effort.
Hi Andy, I relate to every word you have written here.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family myself. Had several other challenges one after the other: bullying at school, coming in terms with my sexuality and so on. Not being able to reach peace with my parents, I left home at the age of 17 and have been living on my own for close to 15 years now. I was diagnosed with dysthymia some time back and have been in therapy for the last few years.
After trying to fight the symptoms of depression for a long time, I am actually beginning to accept the reality now. I have had a fairly successful professional run so far, reaching the top 5% of people in my field but I realise that I cannot push myself anymore. I am putting my health and recovery on lower pedestal and pushing too hard to keep my job.
Reading this blog and your comment is a sort of Eureka moment for me. I need to approach things differently. I am not the one to give up easily. I love to love myself and fight for the life I have always wanted to live. I think there is no substitute to resilience and hard work.
Good luck in your journey.
Andy I’ve tried meds and therapy but I’m so lonely. I just don’t know how to connect to anyone. Try reading everything I can find but I don’t know how open myself up to a new relationship or even friendship. I had the same best friend for 40 years and I lost her 5 years ago. She was the only one I ever had that believed in me and really loved me. I’m so lost without her.
A long term effect of depression for me is the failure to connect with others. In my worst moments, I become an extremely violent, foul-mouthed, manipulative, and verbally abusive friend, and I treated my closest friends horribly. Somehow when I start to grow close to someone in particular (or having a BEST friend, in other words), the relationship always spirals into a codependent, abusive, unhealthy relationship . The worst case I’ve ever had was with my good friend, Dee (not her real name). She refused to leave me alone when I was suicidal and ready to stab myself in the neck and (hopefully) sever my carotids. Due to the fact she stopped me, I physically assaulted her and she ended up with bruises on her neck and long cuts on her forearm from my nails. Ever since that incident, I have been sent to a ward for treatment and finally released after a few months. However, ever since that incident, I find myself apathetic to others, therefore failing to form an intimate bond with others. This seems to be for the best, since I have no idea how to maintain a healthy relationship anyway.
Long term effects of depression, for me, diminished credibility. People think im a low life and behave towards me as though I’ve never had anything going for myself. (at least this is what my mind interorets based on my experience of how I used to be entrusted and treated when i wasnt in major depression and ptsd was in check)
Also my physical body. I never go outside and just look for the beauty and ironu and comedy like i used to. My arches have fallen,my knee has been injured and will never be the same. My blood pressure is low and my hearr rate is high. Im protected by a layer of fat that didnt get there from eating. Normally im quite physically amd mentally active. 13% to 9.5% body fat…. My face looks different and everyday i look at myself less and less. Its a walking, or not walking nightmare.
I love the question will i be my old seld again. Because it really IS a honestly DUMB question. Meaning we are never our old self. Even tomorrow we’re different than we were yesterday. So I laugh when I ask that of myself. What i will be is different. From past experiences (thank god) I have a choice to redefine myself. Forget what I USED to do. Its history. If parts spark my attention then far out. I won’t set up expectations. That would put pressure on me and I am pretty sure that I would be depressed again, quickly.
This depression im in now has lasted 3 or 4 years. Im scared now. Older, not as resourceful. My name means nothing anymore. Even to myself. But my heart beats and I feel the darkness is wearing itelf out and I feel a little bit of my wounded warrior tire from this inertia. Im not claiming but am hoping i wont be afraid to grab that rope and pull myself back up on to tje deck of the ship of the living.
Theres a lot to interpret from what i said, as far as how this has changed me. Nobody understands. Its dreadfully painful. But I’m not going to look back for anyone’s approval ever again.
This is a very fabulous article.
Thank you for writing this piece.
Hi I have been living with depression for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I have this depression because nothing traumatic has happened to me thus far. However I thought I could take it, actually I took it until I realised that my mental capabilities are not as strong as they used to be. Now I am in constant fear because I hardly understand when people try and explain concepts to me. This is scary because it affects my work. I don’t know what to do.
How did you happen across this article? I am wondering if it was the same way I did… Are you unbelievably lonely? I am. I never ever thought I’d be lonely let alone this lonely.
I’ve had dysthymia since I was a foster child and I’ve ha had bouts of major depression throughout my life. I’m sixty years old now and after living overseas for twenty years, I moved back to the States to be near my sister. We had a falling out and I am now on my own in a city with no friends or support system. I have been suffering another battle with major depression, failed suicide, and unemployment. I had a good career, but I know that I now can’t cope with that level of stress or technology. It’s just beyond me now. I need to find work, but when you can barely get out the door for fear, it seems unattainable.
I am at the lowest I’ve ever been; depression has made me unrecognizable – I no longer know who I am or how to begin to find a new life – especially at my age. I all feels insurmountable.
Hey.. My name isnt important. But i want share my experience cx i dont know what it is. I am 17 years old. i have depression since 14. and by god’s grace i never give up i fight and fight may b thats why im still alive.. but i tried alot to kill myself but everytime i just end up doing nothing just thinking about the things i will miss when im gone just thinking about my family and friends. But i cant even live cx its really difficult to fight and live with depression. i dont really take pills and never consulted someone who can help me. it was just me. juts me fighting with this since 14. I am experiencing every every every symptom of depression . just everything. the only thing is im not dead but inside i am dead. i know i am adding loads of more things in it which is useless but all these r things i kept inside me for years.. nobody knows about my depression idk how im doing it like its something which kills.. but still im doing fine too.. Im happy sometimes i smile and b okay. but may b its cx that i am used to it.. so lately i have been experiencing weird things cx of which i cant come to an end whether its depression or not. So it was one night. Tbh i was crying my eyes out and when i was okay i went to kitchen and just suddenly i felt like someone was near me and it grabbed me and touched me. i felt like that. and i came to room cx i was scared as i dont know what it was. and then i felt someone was near me. and i can feel it lately alot of time. And its like my brain isnt working and my brain is talking to me or someone inside me just came out and is near me trying to talk or i dont know what it is. or to explain it. And in the morning (after that night when i felt someone was near me) i saw my favorite thing in the floor broken. Well it was something i made for my lover, who isnt my bf but i love him.. but he dont may b we have loads of issues..i dont remember whether i did it or anyone else.. i just know nobody else did that cx even mom and my bro knows that how special it was for me. and they wont break it… and i have been overthinking alot cx of him.. Is it possible that i did it and i forgot? something like this never happened.. is it possible to forget things we did when we r depressed? may b i was depressed and i just break it thinking abt him and forget? is that possible in depression? feeling someone near you.. touching you grabbing you.. trying to talk to you as if its someone inside from your body.. plx tell me whether its cx of depression or not? help me!
Hey Noname:)
I just read your story and I think it would be the best idea for you to find some help. Maybe from your doctor? Your family does not need to know if you don’t want them to.
I know how depression feels and talking with somebody about it really helped me personally. And the other things (like feeling somebody near you) might have to do with depression, but it might be something else too. But these kind of things can be too hard to fix on your own, almost impossible. It would be a good idea to find a doctor who can help you understand your problems and making them easier to cope with! I really hope you do take care of yourself! You’re worth taking care off.
Hi im not writing about my own story but my girlfriend’s. Im 14 and and my gf have been together for almost a year. We broke up at one point due to how bad her depression was she was very suicidal and i needed to give her time to heal. Although i didn’t realise that she may never be able to heal. She has taken antidepressants and some have worked which caused us to get back together she was happy and lovable but she got off them because she said “she dosent feel like herself” shes been depressed for so long just beinh happy isnt who she is. All she knows herself as has always been unsocial an introvert and sad. She has no answers and is havinh trouble coping i can see her getting close to her breaking point again. So far no answers but if she dosent get help soon i wont doubt her trying to end her life again. Not sure if theres any answers or if its gonna be like this forever? Will it get better? She has seen a therpaist of course but always the same thing more antidepressants but how does she find herself she feels stuck
Hello myself ritesh from India. I want to talk about my friend. Recently she got some boyfriend issue and also due to work pressure she got so much depressed that she dint sleep for 3-4 days and was not eating any food and all of a sudden she was showing symptoms like murmuring to herself, repeating the names many times, Suddenly crying and also blaming that somebody has mixed something in her food. Suddenly became violent and wanted to do suicide. Did some suicidal attempts. As this is my first time looking to someone like this. I took her to hospital they gave antidepressant medicine and then we took her to a psychiatrist and he gave many medicines including sleeping pills. As my friend is a working lady who works very far from her family. I wanted to know how she will get cure. What are the things we have to do to make her normal. Is it necessary to eat the medicines as it has many side effects. Should we allow her to join her company. What are the steps we have to follow..
Thanks
I have been suffering from depression since teenage. now am 32. I was doing great a year ago I relapsed ???? Increasing medication again hope i will get out of it though i do not want to try does anyone feel like i am giving up and does not want to try.
Hello my name isnt important. My story maybe. Like so many of you I have been depressed. I often feel like my life is a lie. I feel like the hardwork and great achievements Ive made in life have only lead me back into depression. I’m 27 and married with a 3 year old. I love my wife and my son so much. Ive tried to explain myself to my wife but she doesnt understand and she doesnt know what to do. I cant blame her because for years I havent known what to do either. I know my wife hurts inside for me and she terrified for me and often worries whats going to eventually happen. I was raised by two great loving parents. I was given so much love, memories and more. So I often wonder why and how I got to this point. It’s been so long that I forgot. I am not holy roller but Ive always believed in god and had my own relationship with him. I feel as though over the years through some major struggles I somehow managed to get by and believed it was because I had a purpose and its what was planned for me by god. But I dont know. I’m so unhappy, so alone and things have only gotten worse over time. After loosing my bestfriend in highschool I lost it. It took many years to be normal again as I became seltered, quiet and even socially awkward. Eventually with great friends and hopes and dreams I was able to find myself again. For the last 6 years Ive been through horrible break ups all sorts of painful realisations and unforeseeable consequences. I destoryed my once good credit, many of my friendships and bonds with people I trusted. During this whole time I always managed to keep calm and collective and failure was never an option its how i was raised to just keep moving on and that life wasnt going to be easy but you just do what you have to. I found the love of my life about 4 years ago and my life wasnt great but i was stable and working towards a better tomorrow even know i always felt the world was against me. After we got married we had my son and it was the happiest day of my life. I knew than in that moment that it wasnt about me anymore. That i would do whatevet I could for him to be a great dad. To give him the tools to succeed and to spoil him with love. Besides the normal stress from work and conflicts of being married with financial issues things were good. It wasnt until may of 2015 when I lost my longterm job with a company id spent so many years working for giving them my blood sweat and tears that things took a turn for the worst. I felt cheated i was fired for something that was out of my control I was lied to and told I was fired for other things than what they put on paper. The general manager had mental issues herself and we often conflicted with work related things on company policy as i learned to be by the book so i would get into trouble. So i was fired because a customer lied about something they had delievered and said they never got. That item was a few thousand dollars. The company later concluded an investigation and found I was telling the truth. I got unemployment but I wanted my job. I was tired of working so hard and never being acknowledged. But I was great at my job the best so good that the guy i worked under for many years came to me for answers. After being unemployed for about 5 months I took a job with the postal service. They paid great I figured theres a fulltime opportunity and there’s always work to be done. It was a change of pace. Instead of physically being prepared i was mentally unprepared. I made it through became a carrier and tried my hardest to get good at it. The money was good during the holidays the hours were overbearing but it meant a great pay check and a happy family for xmas. After the holidays the crew became nasty and raged that I was to slow and that I didnt belong. All the things I was once told starting the job was a lie. After xmas i only recieved 2 days a week you can live on 2 days and being available the hours they needed me to be were untealistic with trying to have another job. So I resigned but not before getting another job making a dollar less with instant fulltime. So I was feeling like shit and worried, scared and completely nervous about liking this new job. Over the years as someone who bust his ass and has been super laidback and nice people have only exploited my kindness and hardworking ethics. So I dont believe working for someone else making them money is for me. I feel like I need to be my own boss. I love working outside and I love working in the yard so my goal became i want to start a landscaper. But I dodnt have the money and I got screwed on taxes because of dumb mistakes I made 6 to 7 years earliers and so the irs took a hit on debts in owed and I had to pay the taxes on that. It wasnt unfair it was my fault. But it hasnt only effected me but my family. So I took that new job after the postal service. I started doing vending and was filling candy machines and soda machines. It was good pay the work was fairly easy I got to be home early although getting up at 3am sucked. I kind of liked the job at first. Than someone there got ill so i had to cover his route. I was only suppose to do it forba short term and a few weeks turned into months all the sudden i was running the show getting paid only a quarter of what the normal guys earning were. Which didnt bother me that guy had worked hard and been there for years but all the sudden things got really busy and fast paced clients got rude and started hurrassing me daily i became a victim to bullying. I could take it because I was bullied growing up and as an adult it still hurts but you learn to not let it bother you because people are assholes. But between that the disconnection at hone with my wife never seeing her than fighting when we did. Never being able to have energy to be a dad for my son who I adore and just being a horrible lazy dad. I feel so stupid and I started getting panic attacks at work. I felt i was having a heart attack and someone told me that they felt maybe it was a panic attack by the way i described it. Ive never believed in using medication to solve mental issues because big pharmaceutical companys are poisoning us. So ive always tried to use rational things outlets for expression as i write music and play guitar and various instruments and very well. I used to tour years ago. But all the things that i used to do arent helping me anymore. My wife and my son matter so much but Its not fun when i feel them being effected by my unhappiness and depression. So I made hard decision and probably a horrible one to quit my job so that I could get help and be home for even just sometime to work on myself and my family. I was nervous as hell and scared id overwhelm my wife with the bills because I had no income and like angel she is shes only been encouraging and scared but loving and she hasnt been jerk. Shes just worried we will loose our apt and everything weve been through since we met and worked hard for would be for nothing. So I sit here rightnow in a blowup chair home alone wondering what to do when i have no motivation, I just lost another close friend to drugs and I devistated. I feel as though no matter what happens no matter what i do and no matter how hard i work to get stable to be able to start picking up the pieces again that I’ll always feel like this I always be miserable, happiness will always be temporary and I’ll always feel like I wasted my time and life never accomplishing a damn thing that matters. The only thing I have that many others in my position maynot is a wife who tolerates me and loves me and a beautiful funny and sensitive son who looks at me as his hero. But I fear even know I have them now whois to say ill have them forever as I’m slowly loosing them. And they are loosing the silly often rediculous and sometimes crazy buutt funny dad and husband that I used to be. I’m not sure what to do. Ive always given advice and have been one of those whois helped others and never had to recieved help but never got when i felt i needed it. My heart goes out to everyone and anyone who feels like this or worse and even just the slightly hurt that comes with being depressed. I know im not crazy and I know im not dumb Im not the smartest man in the world but I also feel like im loosing it that I’m going insane in my own mind because I cant shut my mind off anymore. I dont feel like myself and its like a viral infection or a curse you want to be better but nothings changing.
Hello,
I know so well of that feeling in life, I been through this period in my life I want to in courage you to hang in there, depression is a serious mental illness, that people don’t understand how serious it is. I want to in courage you seek some help, if you don’t want to go see a therapist, find you a support group. There are a support group that teach you how to cope with mental illness like depression. I work a place called peerlink. that help people learn how to cope and deal with depression and all kinds of mental illness. we sometimes just need a person who will listen to you and no judge you or say you just going through this and that. some one who will support and in courage you through this. I read your store to my group. they wanted me to tell you hold on, keep fighting, and please seek some help. and we are all praying for you and your well being. feel free to email me anytime you need someone to talk to..
Hello, i need someone to help me with my depression too.
That was so inspiring. Wonderful group of people. It has ecoraged me as I am battleing depression.
I am trying to find a support group, I am so depressed I can hardly stand it. It seems like it’s getting worse than better, I have been thinking a lot about dying lately. I need help, I can’t stand it, I cry everyday. I feel so helpless and alone. I need help, please help me.
Please see a doctor. You can make an appointment for a cold if youre embarrased(which you dont have to be!). Then you can explain in confidence. It will be a good first step!
Dear AR I can relate to your position very well. I have tried all my life to please people only to be backstabbed for what ever their reason.I was married 20 odd years ago to an alcoholic and I left him I walked out and never went back 2nd attempt he was abusive.
He nicked off with our 2 boys 11&14 now 33&36 to America and have not seen them since.Your wife must really love you and you need to understand somehow she would not stay unless she felt respected
I do wish you all the best and try hard to make it work as from my experience from my life is it is a hard world out there.
I’m 19, have been struggling with depression since I was 14. My biggest fear is that I will never be my old self again – introverted, curious, intelligent, focused, kind, calm and observant. I have become someone I cannot stand and have been clinging to the idea that this is just a phase and I will go back to being my self again, but my sense of identity has become so weak that I now wonder if I am still that person at all. I had some issues with anxiety as a child but it was never severe – just some OCD ticks and whatnot. Then, in grade 9 I developed an eating disorder (which stemmed from my anxiety/ need for control) that brought me to 70 pounds. I was able to gain the weight back but mentally, I was never the same. I obsess over the flaws of the people that I love to convince myself that I don’t have anything to be grateful for, yet it is those same people who I berate in my mind that occasionally make me feel alive again. I am constantly sad and anxious – it physically hurts to smile, so much so that I get very anxious in any social situation because I know I will have to pretend to laugh and smile and that will only make me feel worse. I feel so extremely disconnected from the world around me and I am terrified of the future. I feel so much guilt and shame because I feel as though I have ruined myself and my life and my potential and I don’t deserve to even be happy again. I’m especially terrified because all of this happened to me in some of the most formative years of my life – I was just beginning to feel like a fully-formed, truly happy individual when the anxiety and depression swept in and took over my life. I often think about what an incredible person I could be now if my depression hadn’t interfered with my life. I look tired all the time nd the stress has given me acne like I have never had before – I hate the way I look, and I know that the only way to be content with my looks again is first to be happy. The only times I feel at all OK are when I am drinking or having sex. I am so tired of living this way. I am so scared of disappointing my friends and family because I know they want me to be my old self again and I so badly want to be that for them. I just feel as though my brain works totally differently than it used to and I am so afraid that I will never recover. I just wanted to share my feelings because I don’t feel comfortable talking to anybody I know.
Have you made any progress since?
Hi guys.
Well where do I start. I’ve been depressed now all in all on and off for about 8 Years. Been through the whole process, anxiety , panic attacks, chest pains, light headed etc. I’ve had 2 ecg’s a ct scan and an MRI. All came back normal. However I’ve been on and off medication. Most of the time it has sorted me out and gradually works. I’ve had two rounds of councilling , tried energy systems and Bowen therapy. However the last year or so I’ve been off medication and I feel I’ve gradually got worse again. I normally take prozac but found last time it didn’t pick me up. I’ve started with memory blank really bad. I listen to what people say then a minute later its gone. I feel I struggle talking now and can’t get my words together. Does anyone else have this? Is it a symptom of depression as I don’t feel it is. I can’t concentrate on anything and all I want to do it sit and not talk. Which is so not me. I feel like can’t think of anything to say. Nothing is in my head. I’m worried. Can someone else tell me if they have been through the same. I normally have a super memory but I feel its gone. I’m worried it’s more serious. Going to start medication again and hope to pick up. I just want to be me again. Its awful going through this. Someone help please.
Hello,
I know the feeling all to well, anxiety and depression go hand in hand with each other. I want to in courage you to get some help, find you a support group or somebody you can talk to. depression is serious thing. i’m always open to talk
Dear Tina thank you for replying. You do seem to be familiar with these issues and give great advice on how to counter-act with depression. “Find a support group, someone to talk to”.
I feel like this too, all I can say is we have to think positive, I am looking for help as well. I wanted to reach out to you and let you know you are not alone, I am here going through it too. I cry everyday and I can barely get out of the house. I want to be around people, like you I can’t focus or get my thoughts together. Just keep your head up the best way you can, I will keep you in my prayers.
I feel similar..like I can’t think straight and can’t remember anything and feel like I am brain damaged. I dread leaving the house, going to work, running errands, I feel my friends have given up on me, I have no pleasure in anything….will I ever get better?
Depression is different for everyone, and your symptoms sound similar to mine. When I experience a really bad episode I rarely remember the days and what I’ve done or what anyone had said to me (and the days blend together). I also become basically unresponsive, and once I’ve gone for three days without talking at all. Memory loss is also another effect of depression, and it can recover. It took me three years of continuous therapy sessions, CBT, and medication for my memory to finally recover close to how it once was. Believe me, your memory will improve, as long as you keep fighting and find suitable coping mechanisms for stress/anxiety/depression.
My recommendation to you when you’re experiencing a particularly bad trough is to seek help with your therapist, and connect with people who can give you the support you need.
OMG! This is exactly the way I feel…I feel so blank all the time,it feels like I don’t think anymore. I dread having people around me cos I feel I’m pathetically boring, dull and weird these days.I can’t even get a girl to date me, my grades are bad and I was always among the top 5 in my class. I forget things easily and it feels like I can’t keep a train of thought or relate ideas…I feel so lonely that I smoke heavily and frequently just to feel like I’m doing something at least…the way I feel now is even better compared to when I had the depressive episode(with suicidal ideation) but is dis all I have now? Or I can still be that bright like I used to be? It pains me a lot that I really don’t want to be like this but it seems this is d best I can even get cos I feel so damaged…I’m as well too self -conscious that it makes me feel awkward always…I’m definately just existing and not living in any way…
I´m at the point if nothing changes I will probably kill my self. idgaf anymore I don´t think I will ever be able to enjoy life after this long a period of depression. I have been depressed since 2009- and things have only gotten worse.. Even if I get over this chronic depression, I have nothing left. not mentaly emotionally or generally. The only reason I haven´t killed myself several years ago is due to not wanting to hurt my family. No one even knows I have been depressed these last many years and people just assume that the reason everything with me is so unstable is bc I´m lazy etc, and this only brings me down even more. I have already planned the suicide out in details and I have various scenerios, but the one im sticking with will make my family think that I have moved to another country, so I can spare them of as much pain as possible. I know they will find out eventually, but it´s the most considerate option of many possible scenarios. I have never written anything about this shit online and i dunno what I am even writing this, bc that won´t change anything. I have always felt like ” thing will eventually get better” but now im somewhat older and I have experienced that it´s not the case. I can keep believing this bs, but that´s just denying reality. The sad part is I just turned 23, and I feel like no matter what I do, shit doesnt change. All my teachers are telling me, you could do so much more if you werent so lazy & came too school, but they just don´t understand that it´s getting incrisingly harder to act normal & live life each year. and the fact that everyone assumes I´m lazy is tearing me apart. And the fact that people haven´t been able too detect that I´m dying inside is rather astonishing. anyway, its my own responsibility.
Dear Ptrk
You hit the nail on the head when you said you don’t want to hurt your family but if you really want to “spare your family as much pain as possible” then that is why you must keep holding on and never give up your fight with depression. Never…. ever ….give …. up….
Remember the song: ‘ When times get rough you can depend on us, don’ give up Please don’t give up. Rest your head . You worry too much. Its gonna be alright”…………..
Us depression sufferers have each other to understand how shit it really is to fight this insipid illness throughout life’s trials and tribulations And we can fight this illness- together-
Your deprressed mind is stuck on a negatively skewed recording of evrything negative you feel about yourself, your life, your family. This is too painul, of course, so you want out, But becuase you are a beautiful, yet tormented soul, you don’t want to hurt your family, despite your great sadness and pin. I do get it Been there oh too many times and it really is shit and I do very much feel for you and for hat you are gong through.. I too have suffeed this way off and on for over 30 years now (I just took a deep breath when I realised how long I have been sometimes suessfully, sometimes not ao sucessfully fighting this hideaous illness that is depession… .
Don’t let go of your instinct to protect your family and do not go ahead with any stupid plans coming from your depressed mindset The depressed mind will not make sensible plans only plans that greatly hurt you and your family Your famly will suffer terrible sadness and grief at losing you – that is a fact
focus instead on 1. Eating fresh foods only-high veg, high protein diet & absolutely no pakaged or junk food
2. walking/running/jogging/exercise daily
3.vitamin tablets as reommended by a naturopath/ check out your health store
Hang in there hon, you are NOT alone xxxxxxxxxoooooooooo
How is your life now? Just wondering? Depression is hard, Ah yes Peter Gabriel..love him..I hike alot, all over the Rocky Mountain areas, that helps alot, Enlightenment… I’m off meds and staying alive, still a constant struggle,.found this blog this morning..I’m going to listen to Peter again..nice to hear others and there stories, that helps as well..Dave
Ptrk- how are you doing today? Recently my boyfriend did a DNA swab to see which medicine works best for him. You should try it. A nerve med is better for him than the regular anti d’s. Also – continued therapy helps many. Please don’t hurt your family. You can feel better – you just need the right combo of therapy & meds & cognitive therapy to stop the negative ruminations. Please update.
I’m just so with you on this…I hate it when they attribute my actions or inactions to laziness…that sucks! It really sucks but what sucks more is my reality due to thus shitty illness…
I am 27 I have 5 children. And am married and I suffer every day with depression my children are suffering as well having to see me like this they wanna play and I don’t I sit here and just cry I am taking tofrinol I don’t think its working I have taking other meds that didn’t work neither I’m hopeless and don’t know what to do everyday I say how much I hate my life I love my children but is this gonna effect them badly will they suffer it I dont know what to do and how to change I use to be so happy and a goofball now I’m just this miserable blah who wants to do nothing but cry and be by myself
Calm down my brother.
Follow what i tell u.. initially drugs will not work.u will have to be patient. Certain type of drugs work on each bodytype. So if one one not working other will do its job.donot give up keep hope.u can change ur psychrist.
I tried 4 drugs then found suitable for me.
I know its hard i fought hard. Once u hav found a dose suitable for u. U r not far from the destination.when ever u start taking antidepressants they will worsen the symtoms first,after then will start lifting up your mood.
These are the sideeffects of certain antidepressants on certain bodies. These are called black box warning which can make a depressed person even more depressed and suicidal behaviour.when u have gone thought this stage u will hv to start exercise(even you can try this very soon as u come to know about the benefits).start taking green veg. And fruits)
Start ur hobbies afain as soon as medicines are on their job.its a 7 to 8 months fight u will have to be brave and fight like a warrior.
Man look at me i even have cured my ocd
And major depression was not a great challange. If u cry usually,some time its good it will make u feel light headed. Google for the healthy habits and follow them and start making notes of your daily perfomance.mention ur medicnes their dose what healty habit u followed and whatvever u eat write that reguraly.soon you will be feeling a great change.look what works best for you.donot stop taking medicines once u start feeling goodFollow your habits increase their
Rate and start reducing your medicnes gradually.once you find a working drug stay on it for at least 5 months.u will be back in sun again. If you can mail me i will guide u.dont worry.it inly need patience and zeal for life.
Become a fighter u will do.
One more important thing when u start or miss one day it will affect ur mood greatly.either u will feel better or worse.and even if u have taken medicines for 2 to 3 weeks or even more and withdraw it u will feel well immunse uplift in ur mood,but again u will be depress.just take medicines 5 to 6 months.find a suitable dose slowly adopt good habits and gradually reduce ur dose.And u wil be out of it but u wil have to follow the suitable habits thought out the life.
Best of luck
I’m 22 ive been depressed since I was 14. I have periods where I am depression free but they are very small periods. I can tell when I am becoming depressed again and breaks are very short. they buit up quickly. doctors say I have severe major depression and anxiety. I am taking medication because I cant function the way I am fully. I don’t eat, I just sit here and nothin makes me fee anything. I’m past sad now I’m just numb if that makes any sense.
the only thing I have found that’s helping is my son. he is 2 and ahalf and he is the best thing in my life. I used to self harm and I attempted suicide but since falling pregnant I have managed to avoid that through coping techniques. I just coudnt leave him without a mum.
his father was abusive oue entire 2/3 years together verbally and physically and I feel like this has obsiouly impacted on my depression and made me fearful of new relationships. But right now I’m so indecisive I don’t know how to commit to a relationship if I’m honest.
I am so snappy everything is making me irratablle. I cant focus and its annoying me so much.
To all other suffers I don’t want you to read this post and see the negatives, the one thing to take from this Is to keep fighting. I am doing it and its not easy but once you have even a spark of hope there cling to it. My son is my spark of hope. I hope you all find a way to manage. and remember no matter how bad it gets theres allways someone out there who cares, I care because I kknow how shit depression is.
Don’t let depression win
stay strong
Much love
Im tweleve years old. I was diagnosed with depression at ten years old, anxiety at eleven. I always put on a fake smile. I also think im bipolar. I can be super happy at times but mostly sad. The slightest thing makes me sad and i honestly wish i was normal. I have a fear of throwing up, and people cant deal with me. I tell everyone im not depressed anymore but honestly its getting worse. Ive been bullied three times and now my brother picks on me and most of the time my parents dont care. No one understands and ive reached for help but nothing works. I just wish people understood me. No one fully cares and no one really wants me first apart from my bff. I was confident and outgoing before my ex-bff pushed my emotions around a couple of hundred times. It went on for two years and i finally learned to let her go. Ive made so many mistakes and im a horrible person. I wish i wasnt me. I tried killing myself three times. I cant trust anyone anymore.Im not who i really am
Hi gabby,im james….just reading your blog and it is very much the same feelings i am going through and im 43….i am very suprised it has taken hold of such a younger person.i just wanted to let you know you are not alone.i cant really describe how i feel coz i dont know where to start and without sounding boring.but i can relate to your blog,thats all.keep safe ????????
Hi Gabby
You have so much going on inside your head and being still quite young that can feel overwhelming and isolating. Please try and get to know your depression. It’s not a disease although it feels so awful. Your mind and body are trying to talk to you. It feels like they are in conflict at times I suppose. But please be patient. Surround yourself with people or a person who you know cares about you and wants the best for you. Avoid negative people. It’s important Gabby to communicate and let those you feel you can trust know his you feel. You cannot get through this alone. You must ask for help. The greatest advice I ever got was “ask for what you want”. As a child and a growing adult I felt I couldn’t do this. Now, even though it still feels hard to do this, it helps so much when I do. Nobody can ever truly know what you’re going through because they’re not you. And the more you think yourself a horrible person the more alienated you become from people. You are not a horrible person. You have a whole world if wonder to live. Just because it feels so dark and hopeless at times, please don’t let you internal thoughts and feelings become yet another bully in your life. There is always a reason for depression – sometimes it’s just way to complex or too hidden in our unconscious to understand. When you think about or act out suicide, it’s a definite sign that you are struggling and therefore you must seek help. I would suggest you try and confuse on someone about this and sometimes a person like a therapist (who you don’t have to worry about) can help. Obviously family and or close friends are ideal but it you feel for some reason that you haven’t that relationship with them them a therapist or counsellor may be the next best thing. I admire your strength Gabby. It takes so much strength to talk about and own your feelings the way you have. I hope you know that. The mere fact that you have written on this blog also takes great strength. Just be mindful that you don’t leave yourself open to unwarranted responses from individuals. I would certainly suggest seeking professional help – not psychiatric- just a talking therapy. Your mind needs to express itself but it needs someone safe to help you fathom what it’s actually all about. That’s where therapy is useful. You sound so bludgeoned by your thoughts and feelings – I know his painful that can feel, believe me. But they will make sense in time. Something in you matters enough though Gabby otherwise you wouldn’t be reaching out in your blog. That’s good – help that strengthen by seeking the right help. Take care Gabby. Jane
Gabby stay strong
I know how hard this is or you but please don’t give up.
Depression is a horrible thing and after a while it takes over your body and you forget who you are. I have been there so many times and you can fight through it I promise.
I know it also makes trusting a difficult thing but try remember your depression is trying to trick you into being alone don’t listen to it. start somewhere with a small amount of trust. you have posted your story here which is a start , keep going and soon enough you will get there.
I was depressed for two years in 2009-2011, and had smaller run ins with depression after that. I don’t feel very depressed these last few years, but I feel I put on a facad for many years to mask my depression. I pretended to be happier than I was and acted more outgoing than I was before I became depressed. My sense of humor changed too. I kept up this act for so long that now I feel friends and family think this is who I am and expect to me to keep acting this way; otherwise they think I’m depressed again (I had a dry sense of humor and was an introvert). I resonate with some of the other long term effects of depression, but I think overcoming the facad I put up during my depressed period is the most challenging.
I am currently experiencing severe depression. This hasn’t been the norm for me. I had post natal depression followed by a short episode a few years later (that the doctor felt was connected).
Then I had what seemed like a nervous breakdown (although no loss of reality) after a traumatic loss. I can’t seem to pull out of it no matter what medication I try.
I am in late perimenopause and although it is probably a stretch can’t help wonder if hormones are contributing to my depression. It is hard to tell. I just know that it is pretty severe. I don’t want to have ECT but it is hard to wait this out and see if it is going to lift after hormones settle.
I can’t tell if I’m delusional for thinking hormones could be playing a role or if I am on to something. I don’t think my pdoc really knows what to think at this point. Neither do I.
I feel no particular reason to be depressed but do feel stressed about being this way which I know isn’t going to help me feel better or get better. It is all very maddening.
Mel,
I think my depression and anxiety is also related to peri menopause. I also had post partum depression. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown everyday and I am unfunctional. I sit on the couch and am completely overwhelmed by life and even menial tasks. How are you now? Have you received relief from anything?
Ann
Mine was brought on by ” baby blues”. My ENDOCRINOLOGIST said it is absolutely brought on by low serotonin. He said it will be worse during menopause. Im on paxil and it helps with daily function, but I still have an overreaction to drama. Then I feel hung over from it. Im even feeling like its affecting my vision as I readjust. My short term memory is messed up for at least a week after an episode. I have to write everything down. I see my doc next week and look forward to sharing my latest hang over feeling with him. Call an endocrinologist.
At 59 i’m realizing i need help, but its really too late.
I have ruined things again, i can’t keep a job,. i ‘m always quitting about something trivial, i have an inflated idea of myself, i drown in my own arrogance and end up a wreck, grovelling for forgiveness trying to hold onto something. I can do nothing but sit on the couch for days, just wallowing in my misery. I’ve planned my suicide, but don’t because of the anguish it will bring the family,. and yet i resent that because i can’t get the peace i want. I need to go , at 59 you should have things sorted out.
Hi Nick. I am so sorry for your suffering. I completely understand. I came to this site to just read about others,as depression can be so so lonely. I am 56 and also just get so frustrated at myself and my struggles, but I have hope. I read about everyone here and I do know that a true sense of well being and happiness is possible, because I have had that in the past and I will have it again. I work hard to pay attention to my mistakes, my stress levels and people I choose to associate with. These things have changed through time. I seek for higher ground everyday.
Be well. My heart does go out to you and others who struggle.
I’ve been thinking this to myself for the last year but never really considered that it wouldn’t be possible to go back to who I was, which pisses me off but oh well at least now I know. I used to be popular; had a lot of friends had no troubles with girls at all. Then after years of small depressive sentiments rarely filling my mind I got my first and worse depressive episode in 2012 which should have resulted in me committing suicide but by chance I was hospitalised by my life-long blood disorder for a week and received a transfusion which put me off. Since then I’ve had other episodes and I feel as though I’ve lost myself. What I understand from reading I should try to just live my life as best as I can. Good grief, why do our brains even do this? -_- I miss being myself.
My depression is the worsr thin eva its been 9 month since I have been with tthis illness an for mi seems like 10 years i ave headache chest pain lost of weight thought of dead an suicide. No interest in anythin i jyst don’t know what to do. Sumtime i feel like i should uld just give but i say no becuz im not the only one with this sicknes everytime I try to be happy it just get worse
Is it even possible, from a biologic point of view, being born with depression? I don’t ever remember an healthy self. I can’t remember if I ever were cheerful, joyful, active or stuff like that. I’m only 18, yet everything seems unbearable to me; sometimes, in the past, I tried to open myself and talk to friends about this, but I feel they won’t ever truly understand as my never-ending, irrepressible, insurmountable sadness is not mood-related whatsoever. Same about parents. It’s been quite some time now that they started to stigmatize me.. every single time I’m nervous, or deadly tired, or simply sad, they yell at me and say that I’m a disgrace, that I’m not good at anything, that I’m only a waste of time, which eventually is, by my sight, totally true, but they are not able to offer me any kind of help. No one is. The scariest thing is that I came to the rational conclusion that death is my only and last escape, as living, breathing, approaching other people just makes me even more sick. If only I found the courage to cut all this off, if only
Alexis you are not the only one to feel this way.
I’m 22 and Ive felt exactly how you just described for as along as I remember. So do not think that you are alone.
I am 23 and have the same experience. Talk of treatment that might “restore” me to my old self is disheartening as even my earliest memories were clouded over by depression and anxiety. It is at this age, post-college that I am reaching out for help. But I have found that in opening up to my family and accepting a diagnosis, I have reenforced and given power to my hopeless thoughts. Now it is nearly impossible for me to do anything at all. I quit my job a week ago largely in response to pressure from my family. Now I am once again dependent on them. I sincerely hope that you are not experiencing what I am going through because it is truly dreadful.
I was first diagnosed with stress aged 9. I am now 36 and have experienced bouts of depression at least annually since I reached 16. Each bout has been more severe and debilitating than the last and I live in expectation rather than fear of the next one. Between bouts I experience a numbing sensation and a total lack of connection to those around me. My memory is deteriorating and my sense of identity also. Along with my depression comes suicidal ideation and have acted on this in the past. I am convinced that my quality of life will continue to deteriorate and do not hold out much hope for successful clinical intervention. I have finally decided to register with an organisation that will help when I do make the decision to end my life on my terms. I hope the research above will produce a preventative for others in the future. I truly wouldn’t wish this on any family.
Rachel
Rachel.
I have had almost the exact same experience as you but have been plagued for over 25 years by this illness. All clinical interventions to minimise my symptoms have failed – I sought help from numerous physicians, specialist clinics etc. and over the last 15 years have tried virtually every type of medicine and diet.
My all-out efforts to take matters into my own hands continue to fail. How did you go about finding and registering with an organisation to assist you end your life?
Please help.
Dear Sara, you have my sympathy. I went online looking for solutions and immediately thought of Switzerland. There are a number of organisations that may be able to help though most of them only assist with physical and not mental ailments. The peaceful pill offers advice on methods and they have groups in the UK but these are limited. I am looking into a treatment called Kambo which is supposedly very effective in treating depression with even curative effects. I would be glad to keep you updated if it works. Good luck xx
The interesting thing about having depression as a child (6th and 7th grade for me) is how you don’t really have a “you” to really return to. Also, I’ve noticed, that although I would say I am definitely not suicidal, I’ve also noticed it feels kind of normalised? Like if I’m really sad, often my first idea is to attempt suicide, despite the fact that I really don’t wanna die anymore, and I quite like living, and if I don’t die, I’d probably just try to forget about it. Like I’m so used to suicide being my go to for being sad, that now I don’t think I know how to handle sadness.
Have you ever read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle? I have found it very helpful in dealing with my depression. It’s not totally gone, but it has helped me to understand my thoughts and emotions much better.
To Libby
I feel like you just described me and my feelings. I have never felt like I ‘fit into’ any group. I have tried suicide several times myself and now like you think of it as a safety net if things get too bad. Now I live a dull life dreaming of what could have been without much hope for the future.
Rachel, What is the organization that will help make the decision to end life on your terms? My case is even worse then yours and would appreciate getting this info from you. Please write back ASAP.
please write to my email
Plz help me…ths depression is mkng m feel im going crazy,i just want to be normal again..plz plz hlp me
I don’t know if you have had episode before but if you have not I can say from experience you will feel better. I had an episode just over a year ago where I had no motivation, couldn’t eat or sleep for a month and half and had to check myself into the psychiatric ward just to get some strong enough sleeping tablets to let me sleep for one hour. It was horrible but I feel great now. I have been taking antidepressants and practicing mindfulness since that episode and I am as happy and probably calmer than before my episode. I know it is sucks right now and you feel you wont be normal again but amazingly you can and most probably will be. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.
Sending my love
I’m so sorry. I know it just really hurts. I was hospitalized last summer after months of major depression. I can’t remember most of those days except just the severe body aches, no energy and all the symptoms of depression that I am sure you know so well. Looking back now with some healing I see how far I had slid into that abyss. I am not myself again, I am not sure that is even possible now but I am better, I am functioning, i am loving my family again, so there is hope. Pleas do not give into this monstrous disease, please reach out for the lifeline of professional help. Go to a hospital, call your doctor or therapist. Healing is hard but possible, I pray for you.
Hello to all. I am telling my story about how I recover from clinical depression. 3 years of medication( Venlor, Nexito, Buprion, Mirnite etc.) ended in 1 day because of Mindfulness Meditation, a technique of making co-ordination between brain and body. The moment I started applying this to myself, there were some thing happening in my brain. I was feeling it. For the next two three days I follow this meditation. and now it’s simply second life. Though I am not the same person, but I not on medication anymore. Anyone wants to know more or need any help, can contact me. I dont want you to suffer anymore. Life is awesome now.
Hi, which meditation did you use?
Yes I would definety like to know more…I have been suffering 3 years also ECT treatments various SRI medication many hospital stays. Any helo appreciated. Debbie
Hi Debbie. I was depressed for about 15 years and mindfulness was my savior as well. To be succinct, mindfulness means living in the present moment. We have only 2 types of thoughts, either thinking about something in the past or thinking about something in the future. Why do either? Focusing on the past can only bring more depression about what has happened to us, focusing on the future only anxiety about what is to come. The other option is to live in the moment, this moment. In order to do this we must begin to become an observer of our thoughts. A good start is to begin catching yourself thinking. “Aha! I’ve caught myself worrying about the past again.” Usually you will immediately begin worrying again after, but take solace knowing that every time you catch yourself you are making progress. It is a practice, but in a short amount of time you will be living more in the present moment than in the infinite cycle of proliferating thoughts.
Please help I am suffering since last 2 yrs and 2 mnths
Hi, I am suffering from depression from from last 20 years working on it but not helping..I am always feeling guilty and keep thinking wished I had done or behaved in so and so way….some days are really happy and some days am so sad that I feel like dying like there is no way out even universe is not looking out for me…Will this meditation help me.
Please tell me more about mindfulness meditation
Many thanks, John. I have had both clinical and mild depression, and anxiety, for approximately 30 years. Reading your kind and insightful article does help. We all change and do we actually want to be the old “me”? In some ways “yes” maybe because our ego does. In other ways we can emerge with greater depth and empathy.
I have found that trying to live a life of routine, which my brain screams against, is useful. We have circadian rhythms for a reason – for our homeostasis. When I start to go against this, I go downhill.
Anxiety beset me after my first clinical depression in 1989 and I didn’t receive psychological or psychiatric treatment (stigma, shame etc) at the time. I mourn the loss of many years of health and understanding that my thinking was faulty.
Depression is a physical illness, described as a fracture of the limbic system.
I think far too much about the past when I get stuck in a situation I feel unsure about. I have lost a most wonderful life and marriage in another country because I fell into adrenal fatigue and then lost all my confidence again and didn’t apply for work or just surrender to a new life.
I have lost my career at least three times over. Anxiety, muscle spasms and adrenal fatigue set in.
Depression can be a sign change is needed, a sign to listen to our body. We also need really true and sound friends around us – ones who aren’t scared of letting us talk and not treating it as our being self-indulgent.
I find that the “small steps approach” has a lot going for it. It is against my nature of leaping into things and I have been deemed to be on the bipolar continuum by my good hypnotherapist.
Mindfulness, being kind to me and breathing help me with this condition for which I have taken meds for 21 years. I love Moodscope; its daily blogs refresh me and give me a community who understand.
Thank you to all the contributors who have commented below. Peace be with you.
I’ve also struggled with depression. I was in depression for 4 years before I finally got out this January. Some of the effects I feel are still clung onto me. Its amazing how it can affect you so negatively. I guess in a way I felt it is sort of selfish even though consciously thats not the intention for people who suffer with depression I would think. Sometimes I try to have friends but it seems that no matter how much I try I end up pushing them in the end and I sometimes feel its so useless. After coming out I’m aware of the feeling of others and didn’t realize how badly I feel I treated them and now I keep close attention to my tongue. When I hurt someone’s feelings I feel like the worse person ever. I feel I even push away my family. I don’t like anyone like leaning against me, or touching me, and I never used to be like that. Now dealing with the consequences has been such a challenge for me. Most of my faith is build on God though. I don’t always understand why He would let us go through things like this but I want to trust Him. I never was aware of my feelings of wishing I were dead until I laid my problems on the alter and that was this January. I guess maybe that was dragging me down but after I laid something down I had instant relief. I felt I was able to go outside and such. Its nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels that way because sometimes it sure does feel like it. Thank you to all who commented on others posts.
Hey I am going to try and answer your qstueions in the same order you asked them..MILD DEPRESSION:Because this is only the mild form of the disorder, the symptoms are not very severe. Sufferer may carry on with their normal lives, only appearing low in spirits and possibly less sharp in their thinking or in their interest. They may stop doing things they do not actually have to do, but will often continue with the essentials, such as going to work or carring for the family. However, they will tend not to be as conscientious about these things as previously, or will become upset because they feel they are not coping as well as they should because they feel too tired. SEVERE DEPRESSION:Severe Depression includes markedly depressed mood complicated by symptoms such as slowed speech, slowed (or agitated) responses, markedly impaired memory and concentration, excessive (or diminished) sleep, significant weight loss (or weight gain), intense feelings of worthlessness and guilt, recurrent thoughts of suicide, and lack of interest in pleasurable activities. This form of clinical depression is a dangerous and excruciating illness. The emotional structure of the brain has frozen into a pattern of misery that cannot be altered by willpower, a change of scenery, or the most earnest efforts of friends. In a sense, the brain has locked up like a crashed computer.BI – POLARPeople with Bipolar Disorder experience extreme mood swings that can take three different forms: manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. Symptoms can include both a lowering of mood (depression) and an exaggerated elevation of mood (mania). MANIC BI POLAR EPISODESIn a manic episode, some people with Bipolar Disorder may experience an elevated (extremely happy) mood, often described as feeling “on top of the world.” Others may feel very agitated and act uncooperative and aggressive, which can be frightening for themselves and others. Patients often report that these episodes result in consequences that must be dealt with after the symptoms fade.A diagnosis for a manic episode includes either an elevated or an irritable mood lasting at least a week plus three or more of the following symptoms: •Talking too fast or too much•Risky or impulsive behavior, like sexual promiscuity or excessive spending sprees•Needing little sleep•Being easily distracted (your attention shifts between many topics in just a few minutes)•Having an inflated feeling of power, greatness, or importance•Intense focus on goal-directed activity•Racing thoughtsDEPRESSIVE BI – POLARA diagnosis for a major depressive episode requires having a depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in activities a person used to enjoy. In addition, four of the following symptoms must also be present nearly every day for at least two weeks: •Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (i.e., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite•Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day•Feeling restless or sluggish to the point that others notice•Fatigue or loss of energy•Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt•Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness•Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicideMixed episodesA mixed episode includes symptoms that are both manic and depressive. ABILIFY (aripiprazole) is used for the treatment of manic or mixed episodes associated with Bipolar I Disorder in adults and in pediatric patients 10 to 17 years of age.Bipolar is verry different from clinical depression Was this answer helpful?
Gosh…been depressed for a full year now..thought I was alone,Things got so worse that I had heart problems and significant weight loss…Memory loss forcede to quit my job and I still struggle with memory and attention…Wish I could be like my old self again but it’s not gonna happen..thought of ending my life almost everyday but to think of the pain I’d leave for those who care about me…The true healers of this is only time,patience and someone to talk to cause therapists sometimes sound like they don’t hear you at all…
“in the darkest of hours,that’s where you’ll see your strength”
I’m trying to recover myself and it’s such a struggle. I hope you’ve found some relief since you wrote this. Sarah
I can relate I’ve been in an episode since August 2015 I had to quit my job at a crucial part of my life and it seems like I’ve let people down I struggle just to go out my front door .I have to find a way to make a living but I have so much anxiety and i just want myself back!!!
I know what you’re going thru and I have been on a real good one for 3 years, maybe longer. I cant leave my house. I cant see a dr. I refuse to go out my front door and its not because I’m scared but it is at the same time. Idk ,I’m alone I have lost everything I have no power or water, my family turned their backs like I have some disease so I rely on neighbors who know what’s happening. I wished for death a million times cuz nothing seems like it will ever get better…i have no income. I’m stuck. Please dont allow urself to get to the point I am. If there’s help for this get it before its too late. I am a college grad, had my own business and 12 grandbabies,5 children that I would give my life to see again. But humiliation,worthless, weak, anything not good is who I am… I apologize for butting in I just want to at less think I could help someone from being homebound…end up like me. God bless all of you.
Never give up. Treatment for depression exist and you will definitely come out of it. I have suffered depression but treatment did finally help me come out of it. So don’t delay seeing a psychiatrist.
I feel like giving up, but I don’t want to die, I just want my life back!
I have been suffering with extreme memory loss for 3 years now that has ruined my life. they tell me it is depression but I have trouble believing there is hope. I have tried to kill myself 16 times. I feel so alone.
Dont cindy. I dont know you or any of your struggles (i am patient since 5 years) but i know for a fact that killing yourself is not a solution. It is selfish and would wound others. You dont want an exit like this. Maybe you killing yourself will cause someone who loves you relapse and fall into depression of their own.
I hope you get better. I hope i get better too.
Dear Cindy
I can only send a warm hug. I have not tried to take my life but have been near it. I know someone who did and someone who tried to. The effect was deep distress to their families, anger and possibly trauma still to come. It’s the reason I have not done it.
If you are on medications it may be that they are not the right ones or making you worse. I am assuming that you have a very clean diet and have removed sugar, gluten and all carbonated drinks from your diet. What we eat, and what we don’t eat, has a considerable effect on our mental health. I also assume that all your bloods have been tested.
Have you tried Pranic Healing? It has a good reputation for helping us heal.
Sending your much love
Lesley (female from UK) xx
Hey Cindy. I’ve been depressed for 14 years and am slowly coming out of it in the last year. I’ve finally realised that two things were holding me there – not living in the present and thinking only of myself. I was always stuck in the past feeling guilty and ashamed and scared and hopeless of the future. I didn’t realise it but I had somehow got into a huge cycle of thinking about myself. To get out I had to try my hardest to put myself in others shoes, think about them and not think about myself. It’s the hardest freakin thing but I can be done – slowly. You will notice when you are reading or listening to something interesting you will feel momentarily okay. It’s because the focus has been taken off you. Training yourself to always focus on the world around you, the present and thinking of others is the Golden Rule and God help you – be persistent and you will finally be happy again. Geoff.
Hey..friends same story of my life…I don’t knw which type of depression hit me
.BT I m totally kkk now…BT I want to myself again…plzz tell that how can I be urself after that..n plzz anywon who is suffering from depression plzz contact me…I want talk with yu..be coz no one understanding our feelings except yu all guy’s…plzz anyone contact me…
I don’t think we can ever be what we were in the past before depression again, but instead we are a stronger person than before. At least that’s how I see it! 🙂 You can email me anytime if you’d like to contact me.
hii,i have been suffering from depression from 3 months ,I was a very jolly person ,I was very energetic with lot of self esteem .but I have totally changed ,I am not the same person nor I am stronger than before ,I want myself back,so please tell me any therapy or anything which help me get stronger and to revivie myself.
Hey Jay,
I’ve been pessimistic about the same thing–not becoming my “self” again. When the worst wave of depression hit me as a teenager, I would look into the mirror and wonder who is doing the staring; before that I could think a thought in a millisecond, then I noticed I couldn’t think as I did before.
One of the worst steps I feel I took after my first few episodes was trying to piece together whatever this “self” is. Now, I have let go of this self and my episodes aren’t as worse or as long (even without antidepressants).
I believe that one of the causes of depression is clinging to one’s self. Let go of the concept of self and dive into the flow.
Hi Jay….My wife is suffering from major depression…. i dont have any clue on it on the way how it impacts the patient feelings….could you please help me understand this…cpuld you please call me ..
HELLO, I DON’T WANT TO NAME MYSELF BECAUSE ITS NOT IMPORTANT. i am facing severe depression because watever happened in past has also occured the same in future. i am working but still some pictures and moments are alive because i didn’t get get suitable atmosphere anywhere. totally poor feeling at self. looking for changes in life no support from husband too. totally negation status. but i have started praying lord that give me patience so that these dark clouds should not live any footprints on any stage of life. clouds will be vanishing but the footprints will take time to disappear. this creates negative signs and affects our hope too. bad time has a good point that it goes very soon and teaches us the reality of life.