Living with depressed partners can mean living without the feelings of love that are at the heart of every relationship. What is it about depression that could turn intimate companions into cold and blaming strangers?
Readers ask about this over and over as their partners start blaming them for their own unhappiness and want out of the relationship. How could the person they most loved and trusted suddenly turn on them?
After years of affection and intimacy, how could they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
One answer I’ve often given in the posts at Storied Mind is about the fantasy of escape. Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they want to blame the existing relationship as the cause of their collapse. They may come to believe that they will feel better if they can leave and find happiness elsewhere.
That answer comes out of my experience and seems to match what happens in many relationships once depression comes into them – though certainly not in all cases. The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive. But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners. It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil. I felt no satisfaction in life.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back, that it had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for. I was sure that I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, Kramer often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. The depressed partner’s relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories people write about on the blog and in emails.
Does it make sense in terms of your own experience? Have you lived through such a crisis or been close to someone who has?
(This is an edited version of a Storied Mind NewsLetter.)
My partner of 4.5 years recently experienced the loss of his father, grandfather, and stepfather within 7 months of each other and I know he has been tremendously impacted but says he is ‘fine.’ I did my best to be supportive and there for him through all of this and perhaps didn’t provide the best support at times because of my own family issues I was dealing with- there were many times I wish I had acted differently, but had been so frustrated with his complete lack of emotion or desire to do anything.
Because we were both butting heads so much we took a ‘break’ from each other. He said he was so confused and felt lost and didn’t know what to feel or do about anything. While staying at his Moms, he kept telling me this but assured me we would get through this (both committing to go to counseling separately, though he said he didn’t have time to schedule an appointment). Additionally, he withdrew from our group of friends who have been trying to reach out, almost dropping his entire life and solely focusing on work. I did my best to support him and give him his space.
Suddenly, after telling me for weeks we were going to get through things and telling me he loved me, I found out from mutual friends he was saying he didn’t know if he loved me or not. I asked him about it and he said he still very much loves me and will always love me but doesn’t know if he’s in love. It was shocking as he had been reassuring me and telling me I was it for him and wanted to be together forever despite the issues we were going through.
My understanding is that who’s drug use has also increased, he’s making irrational choices with business, as he has decided to surround himself with people who only take advantage of him. My friends and I are at a loss for how he could just dump all of what he’s built to put himself in a bad situation.
I recently broke up with him and asked him to move out as he has stopped taking my calls, won’t talk to me, and will only communicate via email with me, saying he’s sorry for being who he is and for being so lost right now- but then following that with a very vague response of. ‘we are on different paths.’
I don’t know if I did the right thing as I know he’s really struggling and told him I didn’t know what else to do. I feel like I abandoned him, but also felt the need to protect myself as the only emotional response I would get from him was rage and not the optimistic easy-going man I fell in love with. I wanted to help him and tried to be supportive wanting to work through things, but he just kept shutting me and our friends out. I am truly worried for his well being and am struggling with the feeling of I betrayed him and wasn’t understanding enough.
I am experiencing something similar and I am really hoping someone can shed some light for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We fell in love quite quickly, and became very attached to each other, spending the majority of our free time with one another. Very early on to our relationship, the pandemic began, and we were put into the 30 day stay at home order. He chose to come stay at my apartment with me during the order because he wanted to see what it was like to live with me, and we had nothing but fun and happiness during that time. We’ve spent our entire year together happy, not even one fight. He’s told me I’m his perfect match, that he sees a future of marriage and children with me, and even asked for me to move in with him next year when hopefully all the pandemic madness has blown over.
Out of the blue last month, he started to spiral into a depressive episode. He had enrolled back into school after years being out, because the career path he had graduated for was not something he desired. He also had been continually complaining about how much he hates his job (working in retail to pay the bills), and how he feels he has nothing to show for himself at his age of 26. He also totaled his car this year and hasn’t been able to get a new one. He’s also been overwhelmed with low pay and overwhelmed by debt and the inability to progress his life forward.
About a month into the depression, he pulled the plug on our relationship, totally out of the blue. We had literally the weekend before been discussing living together and plans for our anniversary coming up. He said he just wants to be alone, he doesn’t want to care for any other people, he feels confused and he doesn’t know what to do. He was crying and sad, and very unclear during the whole conversation. He said he just feels like he needs to be alone. He doesn’t want to be responsible for making anyone else happy. He also kept stating he felt “mentally on the edge” end kept saying “I’m such a mess”. From that point on, he dropped contact with me but would respond if I ever reached out. I asked him to speak in person about once a week, trying to seek clarity and help him work through his feelings but every time he sounded the same: confused, emotional, withdrawn. He would fall apart in person, and cry, saying how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me but he’s scared of how he feels so withdrawn. He constantly says how he’s afraid of how much he feels okay with being alone. He also continually apologizes for not being able to explain how he feels and for “putting me through this”. I’ve tried to end the relationship further with a clean break, trying to give his things back and free him of feeling guilty for hurting me. But whenever I try, he won’t take his things and says “we’ll just give me more time. I just need more time” and “I just need to sort myself out”.
Obviously this has been extremely emotionally draining, heartbreaking, and so confusing for me. I’ve done everything I can to do research online, read about depression, and try my best to understand and be empathetic. I want to wait for him to start feeling better, I have hope that our love is still there and he wants to be with me somehow. I just don’t really know what to do or how to handle this with him. Has anyone experienced this kind of situation?
hi i see nobody has replied to your comment but i want to help. you deserve better first of all and i hope you have happily moved on and treated yourself well. never blame yourself. i am just like him and im a complete mess at times who has cut things off with my bf and driven him away and it hurts so much. but people like me with depression just have to sometimes stop being selfish and realise we are not good for people. i hope he has been able to take time away to help himself and heal himself. i wish you both the best <3
I’ was in a long distant relationship, my gf and I was so close always together over video, and she one day she shared a problem she has. She say I been depressed for like 5 years now please don’t tell her family. I agree not to say to her family but one day, she told me she will be honest to me and that she don’t love me anymore. She wants to keep contact and be a special special friend and that I’m in her heart but she don’t feel no more feelings as love. I’m in so much pain, I broke the promise seeking help for her but at this time, seems her family don’t want to engage in talking with her about this matter. I love this girl so much and its so painful when I tell her I love her but she never reply back love you. I don’t know I’m trying to be supportive to her but its so very hard not sure how long I can take this pain of loosing her.
I have severe depression and currently on meds. I have been with this amazing man for 2.5 years now but I don’t feel anything towardhim and that makes me sad. I have low sex drive and I don’t wanna have sex with him. I feel empty when he says I Love You. I’ve been thinking about bteak up for a few months now but I’m not quite sure if I’m falling out of love or it is depression. I don’t wanna regret later 🙁
Hi Shooka – my fiance of 5 years feels like you do. We’re currently having two weeks space to see if he can work out his feelings, whether he has fallen out of love or whether it is his depression. He often tells me he feels ‘dead inside’. He said he wants to desperately feel love for me again because we had a great relationship, but he said his head is fuzzy and confusing, and something has ‘clicked’ so he can’t feel how he used to. It is heartbreaking and I pray my old partner comes back to me.
I’m very sorry to hear about this Viv, I personally can relate to what you went through. The same thing happened to my relationship. May I know how you are and your partner? Has he been better and did the relationship work? How are you?
My wife is going through this right now she is waiting to see her doctor but she told me she not in love with me any more but she also said that she feels numb inside and she listen to loud bass music just to feel something we are trying to save are marriage with counseling but waiting on her doctor to help
Hi
A few months ago I started talking to someone and became really close to them. We were kind of dating but without a label. It was long distance so that obviously creates some barriers. I’ve grown to really love them as a person and care for them. A few months ago they went cold on me and slowly it got worse and worse. They told me at one point that maybe they may have anhedonia. Today I finally decided to talk things through and see if we could fix things. They told me they felt nothing for anyone, not even their family. They told me it’s not my fault and not to blame myself and that we were still friends. They said they plan to be alone for a long time and need to relearn their morals because of a tough childhood. I just cried because I wanted so badly to be there for them and help them and I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Are they even being honest with me or is this just a cover up to something deeper? I feel so lost and wish I could have things back the way they were.
Hello! I almost cry when I read your post because the same exact situation happened to me recently. We were close even with distance and two months ago he told me he lost his feelings for me. I wonder the same over and over again, is he hiding something or is it real? And things aren’t the same anymore and I wish they could be as they were but I guess I can’t do anything. I think all you have to do is to wait for this person to feel better but expecting also try to move on and stay just as friends and see if things can work better in time. We are not talking about the same person but in my case, my friend is a bit unstable so I decided just to be friends, so we can avoid being hurt. Don’t worry about things, is not your fault, you couldn’t do anything, just be there and be a good friend, that’s all. I am sorry you’re going through this, I know it hurts.
It sounds to me like the person you have been seeing is maybe married or involved in another relationship at least, sorry to be blunt. If they have anhedonia it means they are struggling to feel emotions or love and the” re learning morals “comment suggests to me they have been involved in an affair (with you maybe) in an attempt to try and bring a heightened sense of feeling into their life.
I think you need to respect what this person is telling you. If you are in the early stages of something here, it may be worth looking for someone who can be involved in a healthy relationship with you.
Hey,
It gave me some light reading this. I have been with my partner for 3 and half years now, he used to be so full of life, happiness and in love within the first year of our relationship until he got himself into massive debts.
Since then, he continues to tell me that he has no feelings or emotions, always saying don’t know to simple questions like why don’t you feel emotions or feelings, or like how do you not know how you feel about me or think about me even though he says he loves me and wants a future….
This ‘I don’t have feelings or emotions’ has really had a toll on our relationship, I can never have a serious conversation with him about my feelings, what’s happening or how we can improve our relationship. It’s also had a big toll on our sex Life with each other.
I did see him go through a really tough time battling the debts and having no money, but I also think I had bad depression which is to the reason of the no feelings or emotions.
I have suggested maybe going to talk to someone, and tell them what’s going on but it goes no where and he just says he’s fine and there’s nothing wrong with him.
I just genuinely don’t know what to do anymore as it has taken such a big toll on our relationship
I am so thankful for sites like these. I am currently scouring the internet for any help or guidance I can get in dealing with my husband’s depression. I recently learned about anhedonia but last January was when our relationship really started to hurt. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and he’s been a very supportive and dedicated husband. But I got laid off from work last year and since November 2019, I’ve been with my parents to take care of my dad whose cancer got worse and my mom who underwent a major surgery in her lungs. During these difficult times, many sleepless nights staying with my dad in the hospital, my husband tells me he doesn’t feel anything for me but feels so guilty that he is doing this to me during a time I needed him the most. It’s been such a struggle trying to stay strong for my parents, for my husband but especially for myself. He said he’s been depressed and we had so many conversations on what I did wrong in the relationship or how he needs time and space. He won’t let me come home to be with him as he thinks he needs to fix this himself and that he is afraid that when I’m finally around, he would realize that he really can’t feel anything for me anymore. He said he doesn’t feel anything about everything, even the things he liked. I told him I understand that he is depressed and that I am always here to talk to and that I will not let depression ruin our marriage. He is very willing to get professional help which is great. He is having his first phone consultation tomorrow but sometimes, it would seem he has “good” days but still seems very afraid to show any love for me. I tried to tell him that maybe I should come home and be there to support him but he was very adamant about me not being there physically. We talk everyday and on Facetime often but I want to be there during his treatment but it sounds like it would hurt our relationship more if I pushed further. I got so scared that there might be someone else since in the beginning of this, he mentioned feeling a connection to a co-worker but later said nothing romantic ever happened. It was just talk. I’m dealing with feelings of inadequacy myself and paranoia that he might still be in contact with her even when he said he stopped and blocked her on his phone. I’m also trying to work on myself but this has been so hard because I’m currently unemployed and I don’t feel valuable or loved/wanted. I turn to exercise to drown out these negative thoughts and feelings but at night, when it gets quiet is the worst. I just need something to help me cope. I really want our marriage to make it through this.
My partner started suffering extreme depression in August. Since then he has gradually withdrawn more and more to the point he no longer wants or shows any affection. For 3 months he displayed anger and was very snappy towards me which is completely out of character. Before his depression he was simply wonderful to be with. Since December the snappiness has stopped and he is now much calmer but very sad/negative and still withdrawn. He says he feels numb and has no feelings towards me. On a few occasions he has said d he has a strong urge to break up with me. To compound all of this we are living in another country with his work and I have very few friends and feel incredibly lonely. I am trying so hard to be positive but at times I really struggle with the weight of it all. As he is depressed he is very apathetic and emotionless. Recently he has been put on strong medication and has been speaking to a counsellor. He has been trying to make more of an effort with me but the lack of love/affection really upsets me. Please could anyone offer some advice. I have never dealt with depression before so any comments would be most welcome 🙏
Sorry you are going through this, I have been through the same thing exactly. We were together 15years I cant say things have got better, she left me very quickly, devopled feelings for someone else “that she used to have for me” and has moved on. We are now going through a divorce 2 years later. It has been very hard, not a day goes by when I wonder what I did, and how I never saw this coming, but depression and anxiety, changes people and I now accept I have lost my partner. I will not tell you its easy and things will be ok when he’s better, they won’t. I have read just about everything I could to try and understand but with the help of good friends I’m learning to accept my life with her is over.Finding sites like this have been invaluable in realising you are not alone. Sending thoughts your way.
Thank you so much for this message, it’s a comfort to know that I’m not alone. My partner has made some improvements since this last post, but is still suffering with endless sadness and has again asked for some more space to work on himself. I have reluctantly agreed to this, but still feel very hurt and confused by everything. I keep hoping that things will get better but I am not sure if they will 🙁
Can you please send an update? Are you guys still together?
Wife of 7 years has slipped into major depression, 1 year out from 1st child, she has lost all feelings of attraction towards me per what she says. She says she has felt numb for the last several months, thinks somebody else would be better for me. Is her depression getting in the way of her attraction to me? We have never had sexual issues or irritation in the bedroom until recently after baby was born and depression came on. Help.
I have been married to my husband for nearly 7 years, together for 13. I have always loved him very much but 6 months after our baby was born i seem to have lost all my feeling towards him, this is going back 9months now. I have been diagnosed with PND as I also don’t have the feelings I should towards my baby. I hate to admit it as I never thought I would do such a thing but I have been having an affair and feel as though I am in love with the other man. I have no feeling for anything other than this man, and anything to do with him. Is this the depression I’m in that’s making me crave something else and blocking out feelings for my husband? Will it get better??
Hello Michelle,
I’m very sorry to hear you have been diagnosed with PND.
Depression has the ability to numb our feelings. It’s not unusual for people with depression to engage in risky or unusual behaviour to feel something: it’s all about pleasure seeking. You are possibly feeling in love with the other man because of the novelty of a new relationship, but I can guarantee you that if you hang around long enough with this new guy, you will also eventually fall out of love with him in the future. I’ve seen it many times. The issue is within yourself – depression is clouding your judgement, including how you feel about your newborn and husband.
Yes, you will get better because I have seen a number of people getting better IF properly treated. Change is possible indeed. However, you will need to get professional treatment for your depression, or review the treatment you are getting, because it won’t go away on its own. If not tackled properly, the risk to you is to damage important relationships in your life. The good news is that depression is highly treatable and manageable.
My suggestions to you are the following:
1) Educate yourself on depression. I know it can be so hard trying to focus on a book when your mind is racing. My top two book suggestions are: ‘Undoing depression’ and ‘Depression is contagious’. ‘Mindfulness for depression’ by Kabat-Zin is great, but it can be hard to engage in mindfulness in the middle of an episode. When depression hurts your relationship is a great one.
2) Tell your husband what you are feeling and let him know you believe this is due to depression. And that you want to get better because you don’t want to lose your relationship with him.
3) As your husband to help you seek professional help – family physicians (GPs) may not be best placed to manage chronic or long-term depression. I would recommend you seek a psychiatrist specialising in mood disorders to check whether medication can help (medication does not make us addicted to it). A good clinical psychologist is key! They should be using CBT, or a combination of CBT with other evidence-based approaches (DBT, Midfulness-based CBT). Sometimes they use psychodynamic approaches (understanding our attachment patterns / early life relationships) or trauma-informed approaches in the mix. It will all depend on your presentation.
There’s hope – and remember: remission is the key. Support yourself with loved ones.
Keep us posted.
** Sorry – I meant to say remission is the goal. **
Hi I have been with my husband for 25 wonderful exciting years, over the past 5 years he has slowly slipped into a deep and devastating depression, during this he had an affair, and he took on the role of the affair partners childs father, unbeknown to me until it all came out. Its devastating trying to fix it all, we have three grown sons, whom know a little but not all. My husband constantly tells me none of this is my fault, that I was more than he could of wished for, but he cant feel anymore, we never fought, had a great life, but he has this depression and his choice of stimulation is now becoming this childs father whilst trying to maintain our marriage which is not working obviously due to contact with the affair partner whom has no idea of his mental state He is so depressed can not get up some mornings, I try to help, we still have a respectful and caring partnership, but he can not demonstrate love. We were so in love its devastating and I don’t have much hope as he is only gets help for short periods then stops. He demonstrates all the extremes of feelings but not deep love like he used to. Its such a loss, do they ever come out of this depression. His doctor and Mental Health professionals diagnosed him with andhomenia ?, lack of feelings. What can I do to help. Ive been trying everything. We move forwards then plummet backwards.
Hi Naomi, I was a Sex and Love addict recovery secretary holing a space for people such as your husband to recover. It is the same program as 12 step AA the difference is the 12 steps are suitable for people who fit the self- diagnosis of SLAA instead. Your husband is a classic case. I have heard many many stories similar and almost all men have stayed in their marriages, got a voluntary sponsor and worked the recovery steps with full support and their marriages have vastly improved as has intimacy in all areas. Normally at some point the guys will be ready to take onboard therapy as well during the steps. In this situation early therapy would be useful, look for humanistic on to one for your husband and check the therapist has over 10 years experience with intimacy and avoidance problems and preferably many years of love addiction counselling/similar, there are lots of meetings and both of you will find them useful (it would be very useful and supportive and the book about the guy who started the actual group his journey as to his love addiction and similar themes to your husband i think would be very helpful for u to look at you can get one from a group or ask which one to get) but your husband will need also to go alone to release and get his head around it all, Best wishes love addict recoverer Katy
Reading these give me bit of hope but I’m looking for some insight. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me all of a sudden because he “lost feelings” and doesn’t love me romantically anymore. I asked if there was even a chance for us in the future and he said romantically no. However, we are best friends and we’re before this and he wants to be in my life and vice versa so we are continually going to hangout (it’s praticallg dating minus the romantic stuff which confuses me). The thing is, he just started on antidepressants and I’ve noticed he’s been distant and withdrawn from everyone except family and more tired and just dull. He’s liked me for 10 years and after a few months he suddenly looses feelings coincidentally when his depression starts? I even had asked if he was happy and wanted to break up the week before and he was genuinely stern when saying he did not and he was happy. I understand what’s happened has happened and I need to give him space but I just want to know if there’s any possibility of us in the future or if the medication has sudden made him loose interest (since he even said he lost his list for life and just is confused and isn’t committed to the relationship).
Hi Rachal
I understand how you are feeling right now as I’m in a very similar situation as yours. I’m not sure if you can have him back but one thing that is quite positive is that he is treating himself by medication. Although the medicine may not totally cure his depression, at least he is doing something for his difficult situation. And that’s where you can feel hope as doing something is better than walking away from it.
My husband said hurtful things to me 3 weeks ago (just like your situation, all of a sudden) saying that he wanted to live alone instead of living together with me. From that day onward, he changed a lot. He becomes a stranger to me and he thought I am the one who stuck his way in life. But he is not going to take any medicine as he is afraid that the side effects may affect his performance at work. And honestly, he doesn’t really want to treat himself as he thinks what he is doing now is not because of the depression but his own will.
Rachal, you have my full support whatever your situation has become.
I am no psychotherapist, but having read what you wrote, and also from someone who has gone through what you are going through right now, I caution you. It’s not your fault you’re feeling the way you do, but you are doing the right thing and seeking therapy(CBT) that alone may not help you though, as it all depends on the way your brain works. Some people need meds and some don’t. I on the other hand had a . mis of both, and it helped a lot. You can only do what’s best for you & your husband. Communication is the number one thing between you and your husband. Don’t lose a good thing just because you don’t FEEL like you love someone. Love is NOT a feeling, it’s an action. All the best.
Hi, I have been scrolling through these comments and some them completely sum up how I feel.
I am 27 and I have been with my husband for 6 years, we got married 6 months ago. I suffer from anxiety and depression, I’m currently seeing a psychotherapist for CBT to help me with my issues.
My anxiety and depression are now really affecting my relationship. Currently I am questioning wether or not I am still in love with him! I feel so confused….deep down I know I love him but just can’t seem to feel anything. I struggle to show affection towards him, barely have a sex drive and always just seem moody and irritable when he’s around and I don’t know why.
On the other hand I have the odd days where I feel normal and in love again.
He has obviously noticed I have changed and I have spoken to him about how feel to some extent but I don’t want to hurt him.
We are newlyweds and I feel like this should be the best time in our lives…it’s just so confusing.
Any advice on how I help things would be appreciated I am going to stick with CBT just now but should I see my doctor about maybe starting some meds to boost my mood?
Hi ash, I have both studied psychotherapy and also been a recovering love addict and held space for recovering love and sex addicts working the SLAA programme (free and in most major citys and towns or u get the paperwork and start the group yourself) of whom all are intimacy avoidants. You are experiencing classic intimacy fear and the further commitment has clear pressed some intimacy and avoidance buttons, check out SLAA and read the self diagnosis and characteristics, if it fits u could go to some meetings and see if u wanted to do the recovery steps whilst then telling your husband u were doing them and then you would be supported by others in similar situations.
My partner is avoidant in different ways. For example he has sabotaged our evening together tonight by being hysterical, angry , over the top and basiaclly pushed me away. He has felt lonely all day and he has made this a reality tonight when upon seeing me he became a nightmare: he is just manifesting his own fear of intimacy and yet obsessive and confused need to have it and the same time, pull-push, pull-push that those of us love addict recoverers know so very well…. Katy
My spouse and I have been together for 5 and a half years and married for almost 4. My wife is a work-a-holic so it didn’t phase me when she was looking stressed and losing sleep and texting/emailing all night during a project. The holidays were difficult, as usual – due to family, but we got through it like normal (or so I thought). In January, I changed jobs and got that horrid flu so I wasn’t overly concerned that we weren’t having sex or feeling as connected. February was going to be my time to reconnect so I booked a vacation for us to get away and reconnect. I had an amazing time. It took her a bit to relax but it seemed she was finally doing that and I was happy. Valentine’s Day was that week and I went all out; flowers, candy, card. At 1:45 a.m. I was awakened by her texting someone else. It was her friend who she had been spending an awful lot of time with. It was all weird to me, didn’t feel right so I asked what was going on. She said she didn’t love me anymore. She had been wanting to leave me for a couple months. She said she honestly didn’t feel anything at all. Not happy about her new job, not happy about being 4 months from graduating college, and not loving me anymore. Since then I have been caught up in this rollercoaster of emotion. I also found out that my health was worse than I thought and I need surgery next month. She is going to individual therapy but begrudgingly and not doing her assignments. She lies a lot, she hides her phone, she isn’t having an affair (trust me, I have investigated this thoroughly) but she saves all her energy for co-workers and friends and ignores me completely. We had a major blow-out last Friday when she was drunk. I decided it was over this time. I didn’t know what to do. She said she was done with me so I said goodbye and tried to leave. She slept it off and begged me to stay…and I did. Deep down, I don’t want to leave her but I just feel like she’s already left me. We will have 2-3 solid days of sweet loving fun and she seems to be back to her old self, then 4 days of this aloof, cold, evasive, cocky person. She brags about her friends and her life and acts like I hold her back. She doesn’t want to touch me, kiss me, hold me at all. She doesn’t respond to texts hardly, never answers calls anymore…but that’s just for me. Her friends, she JUMPS to see what who texts/calls are from. Her schoolwork has dropped to almost no effort, her household responsibilities non-existent, her bills are paid late, she even has had a hard time keeping up with work; which is crazy because she is ALWAYS working. She works late but is so easily distracted that she puts important stuff off and then gets more stressed! I just do not know what to do. I need help. I love her desperately and want to work on this but I cannot do this alone. Literally I cannot fix this. I try being aloof back or making other plans…she gets needy…then ignores me at home and says she wishes she could go out w/ her friends (as if I stop her). I just feel like a crazy person because the relationship is SO all over the place. Any advice will help…please…
I am going through exactly the same thing you are going through. my husband of at 11 years is a workaholic now and said doesn’t love me any more and says he doesnt see a future with us. presents all the same characteristics ; anger cocky and cold. he went from saying part of him wanting to be together and part of him was scared to, i dont love you any more. he is now in London when we planned a future with his family, I have sold my house and renting and waiting. we were ever so happy never argued always laughing and he was the nicest kindest attentive and loving person I’ve ever met my life he never liked shouting and may i add is a psychotherapist. he is now emotionless. I have tried everything I know now I can’t fix it I’m not even sure at this point if I should walk away or not. I have not slept in months, literally a wreck! texts are one word though he is keeping in contact and this is good. I am being really patient but my days can be very bad where I just come home and fall to my knees in tears. I try to remain calm and let him know that I’ll always be there for him and how much I love him. he says that this doesnt help. I need help too! I would be grateful for any help at all….
Karen, I wish I had better advice for you. I have since lost contact with my wife. She was communicating well for a while, saying good morning and good night and random visits but now she has totally disappeared. I just has surgery a week ago and that went well but she was a wreck and said it was too hard to be there with my family. She came a couple times to the hospital but said it just made things too hard for her…imagine how it was for me…but no, she’s entirely self-centered at this point. She wants to pretend I don’t exist now. It is hard feel so alone and be sick and know that she is there working herself to death then retreating to her lonely apartment, wearing herself thin. I want to be there and help her but I truly cannot. I need help. I need her. I need my partner. She is gone. At the hospital when we were alone together, she would hold my hand and told me she loves me and I know she felt something. I know she misses me. The problem is, the reminder of what she’s done and how she’s reacted since her illness began has thrown her into deep guilt and regret. She is trying to block that out and hence block ME out. I have backed off and am letting her go for now. I still hold out hope but I have to get better and keep moving forward. I hope she will come back to me but I fear she would rather just move on. She still doesn’t want therapy and/or think she needs help. I cannot change her or make her want to get help. I wish I could. My best advice is to reach out to your circle, get outside, do things that take your mind off of him for a short while to give you rest. You need to rest. Keep those lines of communication open if you can and I’ll pray that he realizes that he has all the love and support he needs to get through this with you. Good luck. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Hi Lisa,
I am so happy that your surgery went well and it is important that you take care of yourself firstly to be strong for your partner during this terrible time.
It took me a very long time to realize the dark and unemotional time that my husband is going through, feeling worthless but still trying to save face with the outside world. I am thankful that he goes to work each day and hope that he is doing well in his job. He has told me that work & me is the only thing that keeps him focused. I don’t think that your wife is trying to block you out, I do think that she is incapable right now to think of anything except not being depressed. This is all about them right now, and they cannot think of anything besides themselves as this gets too overwhelming. I realize that this is very hard to bear but it is very true. No matter what we do or say it is just words that they hear. They know they should be attentive but simply cant. I will never stop sending nice messages via text, wishing him to have a good day, as best as, and let him know that he is the brightest part of my day. I will never stop saying “I love you” at the end of some of our conversations and he will now say, “I know you do”.
Have you had time to research anhedonia? It sounds like she may be experiencing this symptom along with depression. I have spent weekends reading and watching videos regarding depression and anhedonia and this helps me understand his darkest hours. Also I have been reading “Journeys with the Black Dog” and though depressing to read at times it helps me better understand the help that is needed. Good mornings and good nights, though very important to me, is nonexistent in our relationship right now, but I know that the morning and night can be there darkest hours. It is all they can do to get themselves together and do what is absolutely needed to start a day that is filled with confusion.
Do hold out hope, but gently try to mention going to see her GP. It sounds like she will need medication and I know this will help greatly. A diagnosis is very important as we don’t know what is really going on without it. If she agrees it would be beneficial for you to go with her, but you are right, you cannot make her go, she has got to want help too and understand that this is the only way to help her to start to feel better. It is a very excruciating, long recovery and without it, I think, one can only go deeper into their self. Drinking alcohol will only make things worse, so if you can help with that, it would be best. Just little steps, one at a time, and gently.
Please keep in contact and take care of the both of you. For now, hold on to all the wonderful memories and send a few reminders to her of times past. I will pray for her to hang in there and get the help that she so desperately needs.
Thank you so much for this. You have really helped. I appreciate it.
My boyfriend of five years broke up with me in late January. We were in a long-distance relationship for four years. Then I got accepted at a university in his city and we were very happy for almost a whole year. During the four years away, he would break up with me then return. And this happened several times. We thought he was just the kind of guy who can’t deal with a long-distance relationship. So I waited.
Then I came to Tehran and we were happy as hell. Until one day he told me he no longer has any feelings for me and doesn’t know why.
He said I’m not what he wants. After five years he realized that!
I had previously suspected that he has seasonal affective disorder as he would always get romantic in spring and summer and I do not remember a happy winter, ever. When I told him I think he has depression, at first he accepted it. But then after two weeks he turned into this raging asshole who would snap at every word I said.
Now I’m waiting for spring to come and if he feels better, then it means I was right about his illness and he has to follow up on it. If not, it means my mind is making up excuses to not accept that he no longer loves me.
The terrible thing is that we live in Iran, and mental illness is made fun of here by many people. So the last time I told him you have depression you just don’t know how it works, he was like you’re the one with issues and you should see a doctor. I mean I have issues but I wasn’t the one who fell out of love and drank all the time.
Ever since he broke up with me I feel this anxiety and I vomit from time to time. Reading your stories really helped me. I hope he starts feeling love for me again, like all the previous five years when he would start texting me in spring again.
This time, we’ll know if it’s depression or he just doesnt love me.
My girlfriend of almost 2 years with depression broke up with me in the beginning of January. I met this sweet, beautiful girl when we were in junior college in April 2016. She was the nicest person I’ve ever met. She told me she had depression and anxiety when we started dating, and she took medication regularly. At the moment, I had little knowledge about depression and anxiety because i had never had them. We fell in love quickly, to the point that she would tell me she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. Couple month in the relationship, she told me she didn’t need to take medication anymore because I had cured her anxiety and depression. She told me no one has ever made that happen to her before. We were madly in love, and we were the happiest couple. We spent pretty much everyday together, and she would sleep over at my house 2-3 days a week. In July 2017, she cheated on me with one of her old friends. She didn’t plan for it, and she even told me she was going to his house to check up on him that night because he was sick. Couple days later I found out through their texts, and she was so guilty and ashamed of it. She said she was scared when he initiated it, and she didn’t know how to respond. She cried her eyes out, and hated herself so much because she hurt the only person that she cared about in this world. I was so angry and hurt, and I cheated on her a week after with some random girl because I was mad. I know I am a bad person, and I hate myself for it, but I was blinded by my anger at that moment. Couple days late I told her I cheated on her, but she didn’t get angry because she thinks she deserves it. She begged me to keep the relationship going. We promised each other that we would never do it again. Since then, I was a little distance from her because I was trying to focus and heal myself. But in general, our relationship was still great. We were happy most of the time (at least she seemed like it). I still love her very much. In October, she wanted to break up with me because of the guilt, but we talked it out. The anger and frustration inside me has lessen day by day, and I would show her more and more affection. Everything seems good between us. We were so intimate, and we had sex all the time. In the beginning of January, one day out of the blue she told me she doesn’t want this anymore, and she can’t handle it. She said she couldn’t feel any emotion, and all the depression and anxiety are coming back. I was so lost because I thought everything was starting getting better, and we were finally getting pass the infidelity. We agreed to take a break from each other. Now it has been a month, and things seem worse between us. She has become so cold and mean. I would text her couple times a week to let her know that I am here for her, and love her unconditionally, but all of these stuffs seem to push her away even more. She barely replied to any of my texts, but I still tried to let her know that she is not alone. She blamed me for making her depression come back, and she doesn’t know if she still loves me anymore. She told me she cares about me, but she can’t be with me. I was so lost and hurt. Since the break I had no appetite at all. I lost 10 pounds within 3 weeks. My mental is getting worse and worse, and I have no motivation to do anything, I think about her everyday. I just want her to get better, and come back to me. I asked to meet up with her to get back my stuffs at her house last week but she said she couldn’t do it right now. She kept postponing. Yesterday, I asked to meet up with her again to get back some of my stuffs but she said she couldn’t do it right now because she is not emotional stable enough to be in person with me. I was frustrated and straight up asked her if she was breaking up with me. She answered YES. Now I really regret pushing her for the answer. I guess the only thing I can do now is to give her space and let her figure out herself. She refused to take medication and go to therapy. I am not going to contact her anymore until she contacts me first. It might be a month, a year or never. I miss her dearly. I don’t know how long i can wait for her but she will always have a place in my heart. I will not abandon her because we have been through so much together and I love her with all my heart. I just want her to get better and come back to me. K, if you are reading this, I am sorry that I have to post it because I am so lost and hopeless. I will always love you.
Hello,
Your situation reminded a lot mine. How did you survive this ?
Hi Otidipote,
Thank you for your response. I did not expect anyone would read it. I can’t believe it was more than a year ago. When I re-read everything I wrote, it seems like it was yesterday, but the only thing is my mental state is so much better now. I don’t get angry or even sad when I read it. One thing is certain is that Time Heals Everything. I am not gonna lie, I still think about her all the time, but I accept the truth, which is we are not going to get back together. I know she was part of my precious memory and experience, and I treasure them, but I don’t live in my fantasy. You have to move on and you will. In fact, she’ve already had two boyfriends after our break up.
So how did I survive this?
After our break up I was so depressed, and I actually went to see a psychologist or therapist. He helped me a lot. I was able to share my frustration and anger emotion with him. I was lucky enough to have my friends support me and talk to me during my darkest time. Having supports from your friends and family is very important. I also tried to keep myself busy with schoolwork and work, which get your mind off thinking about her a little. The one thing that helped me the most was I picked up a new hobby, rock climbing. It lets me to have something to focus on, to work for, to motivate myself to get better at it. When you have a goal in your mind to work for, other things seem to not as important anymore. Rock climbing also enabled me to meet new people, make new friends, and get myself out of the house. There is always a better woman/man out there waiting for you. In fact, i actually went on a date last week, and it was very fun.
Hang in there, you will get better..
Ricky
After 15 years of marriage and 4 beautiful kids my wife tells me that she doesn’t love me and that she never did….15 years!!! and if this is true she is the best actress ever because I believe her when she told me million times that she loves me… This is not the first time she said I don’t love you, the first time it was 5 years after we married, and it is the time when we find out that she was suffering from depression after she starts taking her medication our relationship got better. but now she takes her medication she talks to a therapist every week and she has gone back to the same conclusion as years ago, that she never loved me, and she only married me to get out of her parents’ house. I’m going crazy, and I do not understand how a person can lie for 15 years? I pray to God that is the depression talking and not my wife.
I found this post very interesting as someone who was recently broken up with. My boyfriend of 8 years has depression and broke up with me in November. He has been withdrawn due to family issues, which I had nothing to do with and our relationship was a very happy one. I was completely blind sided by the break up, he told me a couple of weeks after that he didn’t even understand why he did it. He told friends he was numb inside and although I was a great girlfriend he can’t care for anyone else at the moment. At one point he said if he gets help and feels better we can be together again. He also said he can’t really smile or laugh anymore, and he had always been a very happy person. I’m scared I’ll never get him back
Hi Anna,
This happened to me one year ago. My boyfriend of many years broke up with me after taking me out to dinner one night. Talk about blind sided. He said he ‘was a mess and I deserved better.’
I spent the rest of 2017 trying to help him and work on us. And after those frustrating, sad months, I pulled the plug on Jan 3rd.
If, and only if, your boyfriend is willing to get the help he needs does your relationship with him have a chance. In the meantime, take care of yourself. I was beyond devastated at this time last year. I feel better now, knowing I did everything I could. Hugs.
Thanks for your reply Dawn. So far we haven’t had any contact since November as he wants to do counselling and he thought if I contacted him he would just feel pressure about us. So I’ve left him be to do that. He said at one point that if his counselling goes well and he feels better then he will ask me out again. I don’t know if that will happen so I’m just going day by day and trying to not think about it too much.
Him actually getting help is good. No guarantee that it will bring the two of you back together.
I think you’re doing the right thing (I know, what else can you do) by continuing on with your life the best you can. How I wish there were more happy endings here. I hope yours is one.
I have depression, but I never lost love for my husband when I went through bouts though there were times when it was pushed way down. I know it’s different for men.
Are there any men who feel like they don’t love their wives anymore when they have depression on this site who can answer some questions for me?
1) When the depression lifts did the feelings of love come right back or was it something you had to work at?
2) Did you honestly believe you had lost love for your partner for other reasons and not depression or that depression was only a small part of it and this is why you have to leave?
3) Did it honestly feel like you lost love or was the love there and you knew it was way down in there?
I will give you my perspective, although I don’t think it fits completely in line with what you’re asking. I can relate to this blog post because I too have been in three relationships where at the beginning I was extremely happy and very attracted to the person and then after a period of months I would become absolutely repulsed by them. It would actually become a chore to meet with them. I was absolutely convinced I needed to break it off and wanted nothing more than to have some solitude. And then I would break it off and soon thereafter go into a tailspin and want my ex back again, to the point of near obsession. So for me it was turning away when I was feeling “well,” and then wanting them back when I spiraled into the hole of depression. It took three relationships like that for me to realize what I was doing to my partner, and I’m ashamed. I had read once that depression is like the myth of the Siren call—the desire to pull away sounds so sweet, but it’s really the insiduous nature of the disease that wants you alone so that it can destroy you piecemeal. Another analogy that I think is very apt is that you become so used to being alone that the possibility of you not being alone becomes a threat to your very identity.
Thanks for this Jim. I appreciate your perspective. This is good insight and i think my situation has suffered because my partner took this approach.
Anne did you ever get more clarity on this? e
Around 2 months ago my partner suddenly broke down and started questioning everything about our relationships. He felt extreme guilt for thinking about other people, having fantasies that didn’t involve me, looking at other people and finding them attractive. He felt this must mean he wasn’t happy in our relationship and questioned everything. Things got worse when his depression worsened, he started have suicidal thoughts and withdrew from me. He continued to go to work which was great as his work mates are very supportive so at least I knew he was safe when he wasn’t with me.
We got to the GP, he was started on anti-depressants, and we paid for a counsellor and after a month he was improving lots, life felt back to normal almost again. We got 3 weeks of him feeling better when 10 days ago he slumped majorly again. Says he knows he must love me but can’t feel it. He just wants his feelings for me back. He says he doesn’t know what he wants as he can’t see a future for us nor on his own. It feels just awful and is hurtful hearing the person you love, regardless of the cause tell you they don’t know if they have feelings for you. The GP has changed his anti-depressant now and he is due to see a counsellor soon. In the meantime we are plodding on in the hope that the feelings come back and life can get back to some degree of normality. I guess from reading others stories on here there is some comfort in knowing that others are going through similar things, good luck to us all!
My now ex boyfriend told me “I like you, I just don’t know if I will like you all the time”… best of luck to you, hugs
Going through the same thing for the second time, 18 months apart. We’ve actually broken up and I’m not sure how to proceed as I’m certain he won’t get help this time. I hope your boyfriend improves with the new treatment. Good luck!
Yeah it is very difficult knowing what to do for the best for us or them! As hard as it is to believe at times, I guess everything happens for a reason, even when that reason is not clear or is difficult to get your head round at the time. All the best to you.
after not understanding and not being what she needed during her darkest days a few years ago, my wife and I are both in a dark spot and our marriage is in the crapper. The complexity i haven’t seen addressed in is when she shuts me out and turns to another man, what do I do???? This other man is exactly what she feels she needs, and can give her something that evidently I can’t. Under any normal circumstances, I would be more than happy to team up with the guy to make sure my wife gets what she needs, but there is more than that in their relationship and i am scared I would drive her into his arms.
As a husband, I’m committed to loving her and supporting her… I’ve improved myself and trying to read a lot about depression. I cant find any advice on what to do when there is another man in the picture. I try to do one thing every day to improve our relationship, but the rest of the time, I try not to focus on saving our marriage, just supporting my wife and young children. I have put my needs aside, and will go as long and as hard as I can without expecting anything in return…
It’s so sad to see a similar thing happening to so many people. I’m one of them.
My partner of almost five years is currently living away, after declaring he’d forgotten how to relate to me and saying he needed some space. He says he wants to love me again, because he doesn’t want to lose such an important relationship, but right now he just doesn’t feel anything. I see it as part of a bigger problem because for a long time he’s lacked direction and enthusiasm for life, and is unable to be satisfied by anything he achieves. But he’s not currently doing anything to fix the problem, rather he’s just distracting himself with friends and work and drink and seems to hope time alone will sort things out. Or not.
I try to be positive that the fact he wants to feel for me again is precious. But I’m terrified he never will. Because we honestly have a wonderful partnership and have built a great life together and it would be tragic to lose that.
I just want to help and support him, but he says it’s something he needs to deal with alone. I appreciate that, but I’m frustrated that he doesn’t seem to be helping himself and I can’t do anything, so I feel powerless. He’s not been diagnosed as having depression, but it seems fairly obvious to me that’s what it is. I don’t want to lose the love of my life to mental illness.
Im very sorry to read your situation I am in the same boat my gf off 11yrs and 3 children has just walked out , no feelings at all for me and left 2 children with me , very cold with me know not interested in fixing any thing is convinced it can’t be fixed and her feeling can’t change , has ruiened my family and my life !! I wish u the best
My fiance left me a couple weeks ago. Everything was great the first few years. I saw moments here and there were she was depressed or had anxiety issues. I was always able to comfort her and cheer her up in the beginning. I didn’t know much about depression and what it could do to someone, and what it could do to a happy loving relationship. She hid the anxiety and depression from me as much as she could. When we started planning a wedding we found out she was pregnant. We were both excited about the baby. She had a week during pregnancy where she got really depressed and left me out of nowhere. This destroyed me. I gave her space. I thought it was hormones because this wasn’t like her. She came back around about 5 weeks later. I forgave her and moved passed it. Everything went back to normal quickly. Back to being in love and happy.
Fast forward and our baby turned 1. She started getting badly depressed again. She would push me away for days and scream and yell at me for no reason. Then love me and cuddle with me the next few days. Then it would repeat that way for awhile. She would get mad at everything I would do and lash out at me. It would be something as simple as hanging her shirt up in the wrong part of the closet, and it was the end of the world. She would threaten to leave me when I argued back. Blame everything on me. Twenty minutes later she would tell me that I am an amazing father, the best guy she has ever known, and that she loves me. I walked on eggshells everyday not knowing how depressed she was going to wake up. If she had a tough day at work, I knew it was going to be a horrible night at home. She would burst into tears randomly, fall asleep on the couch when really depressed. She was tired every single day. She said she couldn’t “get out of her own head”. I figured it was anxiety, and getting worse.
Most of the time in the last year she treated me and my daughter badly. I felt like I couldn’t leave her alone with my daughter because she got so worked up and stressed out if she had her by herself for an hour. I helped around the house daily, took care of my daughter, and tried to be as supportive as I could be. After a year of this not getting better and her not getting help, I felt like throwing in the towel, but I can’t give up on my family. During calm moments where she said she knows she has been horrible to me I calmly said she should she a doctor. That she can’t beat depression on her own. That I just want her to be happy and it will make us happy together. She seemed to want to but doesn’t do anything about it. She said she doesn’t have time to go talk to someone.
She was horrible to me one morning and I yelled back at her. I never yell but I did this time. I was fed up. She left with my daughter to stay at her mom’s house. She told me she needs to “fix” herself and figure out why she is getting so angry and depressed. I honestly don’t think it’s me that caused it. She blamed it on me though. Didn’t acknowledge it was her that made us like this the last year. I am not perfect, but I don’t cheat or do drugs, or anything bad. I am a nice, loving guy. She pushed me away for months leading up to this. There was no intimacy anymore. I tried, she wasn’t willing to try to be intimate. She would say that it was the last thing on her mind.
I have spent the last 2 weeks reading about depression and anxiety. A big part of me wants her to come back. I miss my family. But at the same time I know that if she comes back it will be like this at some point again unless she gets professional help. I can’t make her happy with this depression and anger dragging her down. I have been giving her space. I figure eventually she will see it’s not me, it’s depression. Hopefully she will get help so we can be a family.
I have never written in any forum before so I’m very new to this. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and up until 2 months ago everything was great. I felt so in love and was excited for our future. 2 months ago I woke up one day feeling really fed up (I also suffer from anxiety and get very low at times) and started to randomly question if I love him or not. I started to obsess over this, compare and avoid him, I have been put on anti depressants and signed off my work because it’s affected me that bad. I feel so guilty and horrible because I know he’s the person I want to be with but I can’t seem to feel any love or any passion for a lot of other things in my life. I feel like I have lost my self and will never feel better. I’m so desperate to feel love again rather than completely numb. I feel like I don’t recognise myself or him and I can’t remember how to love. If anyone has any similar situations or advice I would appreciate it so much.
I totally understand. It is put me into a major depression. I feel so numb.
i have the same situation with my husband and it is killing me can u please share if u eventually felt your love back ir at least if u hesitated the decision you broke up with your love? I would appreciate your reply, thank u so much and hope u feel better now
Was there anything he could have done to help? My girlfriend sounds exactly like you. Almost 3 years together, she had depression and anxiety. Our 3 years were amazing. Starting in April she began to pull away, then finally broke up with me in June. Left me completely confused.
Nicole, I sympathize with you because I’m experiencing the same thing!! All I can suggest is don’t sit still…keep moving; continue improving yourself
-Chris
The man I love checked out nearly 2 months ago. Now he says we are just friends after nearly a month of silence. We had the best 2 years of my life and I truly love that guy. He now is mean and short with me. After being on this website it feels completely hopeless. I so wanted to hear things could change but it seems you are just fortunate if they return and still love you. My heart has never been so hurt. I realize after reading everyones comments my only choice is to move on and heal!! It is so very sad, I just want that loving guy back and I feel like he vanished.
I could not relate any more to you. My bf of nearly two years has been through cycles of feeling our relationship and then pulling away- it can only be attributed to his use of medication.
It sounds crazy but the minute he starts taking the sertraline it’s like he loses any feelings he has for me.
He was incredibly loving, very thoughtful and to be honest just my best friend. I never felt trust like I have with him, but in the last three months it’s like i’m Watching the person I love disappear in front of my eyes and it’s the most painful thing i’ve ever had to endure.
The last time he stopped taking this medication he came back to me and it was like the dark cloud had been lifted.
I want him to get better, more than anything and have seen my own health spiral having put him first for the last year or so. He’s got to a point now where I feel he is unrecognizable- short with me, we barely talk anymore, he doesn’t ask me how things are with me and recently said that I am draining on him, when I actually reached out to tell him how I was feeling.
To make matters worse, I have seen that he is messaging complete strangers (girls) on social media, is this an ego boost?
I am completely confused, why if someone can’t feel love and empathy can they turn it on for a stranger?
Can anyone help me with this?
I am beyond heartbroken, I refuse to believe that this person whom I fell for, does not love me. But what am I supposed to do? I’ve tried to be there as the best friend but without the relationship part and I can’t help but feel broken by it. I don’t want to just walk out on him and give up- but his recent ‘I want to be alone’ mood isn’t giving me much choice.
This is me to a “t”. I found this article after typing “can someone lose romantic feelings for a spouse”?
I know I love my husband. He is a good man. Stable and steady. He is not abusive, but is set in his ways and tends to lack empathy.
While I do not want to break up the marriage, I have no romantic feelings for him. I love him as a fact not as feeling.
But I feel as if I am suffocating and find myself in a cycle of overspending. I shop to feel. Then we fight and the cycle continues.
I have been diagnosed with depression and have been on meds since I was a teen. I also have used escape my whole life and realize that’s what my shopping is.
Hi Carol – did you get your feelings back in the end? My fiance is the same as you minus the spending. He said he knows he loves me but cannot feel in love anymore.