Living with depressed partners can mean living without the feelings of love that are at the heart of every relationship. What is it about depression that could turn intimate companions into cold and blaming strangers?
Readers ask about this over and over as their partners start blaming them for their own unhappiness and want out of the relationship. How could the person they most loved and trusted suddenly turn on them?
After years of affection and intimacy, how could they suddenly declare that they don’t feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?
One answer I’ve often given in the posts at Storied Mind is about the fantasy of escape. Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that’s wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they want to blame the existing relationship as the cause of their collapse. They may come to believe that they will feel better if they can leave and find happiness elsewhere.
That answer comes out of my experience and seems to match what happens in many relationships once depression comes into them – though certainly not in all cases. The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.
What exactly is the inner pain that can’t be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don’t capture the experience.
Talking about “inner pain” suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive. But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.
It’s the one that causes depressed partners to say they’re no longer in love and have never loved their partners. It’s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.
For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil. I felt no satisfaction in life.
I believed that the relationship was holding me back, that it had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for. I was sure that I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.
I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer’s insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.
As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, Kramer often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.
When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.
He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. The depressed partner’s relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.
The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.
Kramer says that these clients often believe that they’re perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.
But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.
Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.
No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories people write about on the blog and in emails.
Does it make sense in terms of your own experience? Have you lived through such a crisis or been close to someone who has?
(This is an edited version of a Storied Mind NewsLetter.)
My partner of 4.5 years recently experienced the loss of his father, grandfather, and stepfather within 7 months of each other and I know he has been tremendously impacted but says he is ‘fine.’ I did my best to be supportive and there for him through all of this and perhaps didn’t provide the best support at times because of my own family issues I was dealing with- there were many times I wish I had acted differently, but had been so frustrated with his complete lack of emotion or desire to do anything.
Because we were both butting heads so much we took a ‘break’ from each other. He said he was so confused and felt lost and didn’t know what to feel or do about anything. While staying at his Moms, he kept telling me this but assured me we would get through this (both committing to go to counseling separately, though he said he didn’t have time to schedule an appointment). Additionally, he withdrew from our group of friends who have been trying to reach out, almost dropping his entire life and solely focusing on work. I did my best to support him and give him his space.
Suddenly, after telling me for weeks we were going to get through things and telling me he loved me, I found out from mutual friends he was saying he didn’t know if he loved me or not. I asked him about it and he said he still very much loves me and will always love me but doesn’t know if he’s in love. It was shocking as he had been reassuring me and telling me I was it for him and wanted to be together forever despite the issues we were going through.
My understanding is that who’s drug use has also increased, he’s making irrational choices with business, as he has decided to surround himself with people who only take advantage of him. My friends and I are at a loss for how he could just dump all of what he’s built to put himself in a bad situation.
I recently broke up with him and asked him to move out as he has stopped taking my calls, won’t talk to me, and will only communicate via email with me, saying he’s sorry for being who he is and for being so lost right now- but then following that with a very vague response of. ‘we are on different paths.’
I don’t know if I did the right thing as I know he’s really struggling and told him I didn’t know what else to do. I feel like I abandoned him, but also felt the need to protect myself as the only emotional response I would get from him was rage and not the optimistic easy-going man I fell in love with. I wanted to help him and tried to be supportive wanting to work through things, but he just kept shutting me and our friends out. I am truly worried for his well being and am struggling with the feeling of I betrayed him and wasn’t understanding enough.
I am experiencing something similar and I am really hoping someone can shed some light for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We fell in love quite quickly, and became very attached to each other, spending the majority of our free time with one another. Very early on to our relationship, the pandemic began, and we were put into the 30 day stay at home order. He chose to come stay at my apartment with me during the order because he wanted to see what it was like to live with me, and we had nothing but fun and happiness during that time. We’ve spent our entire year together happy, not even one fight. He’s told me I’m his perfect match, that he sees a future of marriage and children with me, and even asked for me to move in with him next year when hopefully all the pandemic madness has blown over.
Out of the blue last month, he started to spiral into a depressive episode. He had enrolled back into school after years being out, because the career path he had graduated for was not something he desired. He also had been continually complaining about how much he hates his job (working in retail to pay the bills), and how he feels he has nothing to show for himself at his age of 26. He also totaled his car this year and hasn’t been able to get a new one. He’s also been overwhelmed with low pay and overwhelmed by debt and the inability to progress his life forward.
About a month into the depression, he pulled the plug on our relationship, totally out of the blue. We had literally the weekend before been discussing living together and plans for our anniversary coming up. He said he just wants to be alone, he doesn’t want to care for any other people, he feels confused and he doesn’t know what to do. He was crying and sad, and very unclear during the whole conversation. He said he just feels like he needs to be alone. He doesn’t want to be responsible for making anyone else happy. He also kept stating he felt “mentally on the edge” end kept saying “I’m such a mess”. From that point on, he dropped contact with me but would respond if I ever reached out. I asked him to speak in person about once a week, trying to seek clarity and help him work through his feelings but every time he sounded the same: confused, emotional, withdrawn. He would fall apart in person, and cry, saying how much he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me but he’s scared of how he feels so withdrawn. He constantly says how he’s afraid of how much he feels okay with being alone. He also continually apologizes for not being able to explain how he feels and for “putting me through this”. I’ve tried to end the relationship further with a clean break, trying to give his things back and free him of feeling guilty for hurting me. But whenever I try, he won’t take his things and says “we’ll just give me more time. I just need more time” and “I just need to sort myself out”.
Obviously this has been extremely emotionally draining, heartbreaking, and so confusing for me. I’ve done everything I can to do research online, read about depression, and try my best to understand and be empathetic. I want to wait for him to start feeling better, I have hope that our love is still there and he wants to be with me somehow. I just don’t really know what to do or how to handle this with him. Has anyone experienced this kind of situation?
hi i see nobody has replied to your comment but i want to help. you deserve better first of all and i hope you have happily moved on and treated yourself well. never blame yourself. i am just like him and im a complete mess at times who has cut things off with my bf and driven him away and it hurts so much. but people like me with depression just have to sometimes stop being selfish and realise we are not good for people. i hope he has been able to take time away to help himself and heal himself. i wish you both the best <3
I’ was in a long distant relationship, my gf and I was so close always together over video, and she one day she shared a problem she has. She say I been depressed for like 5 years now please don’t tell her family. I agree not to say to her family but one day, she told me she will be honest to me and that she don’t love me anymore. She wants to keep contact and be a special special friend and that I’m in her heart but she don’t feel no more feelings as love. I’m in so much pain, I broke the promise seeking help for her but at this time, seems her family don’t want to engage in talking with her about this matter. I love this girl so much and its so painful when I tell her I love her but she never reply back love you. I don’t know I’m trying to be supportive to her but its so very hard not sure how long I can take this pain of loosing her.
I have severe depression and currently on meds. I have been with this amazing man for 2.5 years now but I don’t feel anything towardhim and that makes me sad. I have low sex drive and I don’t wanna have sex with him. I feel empty when he says I Love You. I’ve been thinking about bteak up for a few months now but I’m not quite sure if I’m falling out of love or it is depression. I don’t wanna regret later 🙁
Hi Shooka – my fiance of 5 years feels like you do. We’re currently having two weeks space to see if he can work out his feelings, whether he has fallen out of love or whether it is his depression. He often tells me he feels ‘dead inside’. He said he wants to desperately feel love for me again because we had a great relationship, but he said his head is fuzzy and confusing, and something has ‘clicked’ so he can’t feel how he used to. It is heartbreaking and I pray my old partner comes back to me.
I’m very sorry to hear about this Viv, I personally can relate to what you went through. The same thing happened to my relationship. May I know how you are and your partner? Has he been better and did the relationship work? How are you?
My wife is going through this right now she is waiting to see her doctor but she told me she not in love with me any more but she also said that she feels numb inside and she listen to loud bass music just to feel something we are trying to save are marriage with counseling but waiting on her doctor to help
Hi
A few months ago I started talking to someone and became really close to them. We were kind of dating but without a label. It was long distance so that obviously creates some barriers. I’ve grown to really love them as a person and care for them. A few months ago they went cold on me and slowly it got worse and worse. They told me at one point that maybe they may have anhedonia. Today I finally decided to talk things through and see if we could fix things. They told me they felt nothing for anyone, not even their family. They told me it’s not my fault and not to blame myself and that we were still friends. They said they plan to be alone for a long time and need to relearn their morals because of a tough childhood. I just cried because I wanted so badly to be there for them and help them and I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Are they even being honest with me or is this just a cover up to something deeper? I feel so lost and wish I could have things back the way they were.
Hello! I almost cry when I read your post because the same exact situation happened to me recently. We were close even with distance and two months ago he told me he lost his feelings for me. I wonder the same over and over again, is he hiding something or is it real? And things aren’t the same anymore and I wish they could be as they were but I guess I can’t do anything. I think all you have to do is to wait for this person to feel better but expecting also try to move on and stay just as friends and see if things can work better in time. We are not talking about the same person but in my case, my friend is a bit unstable so I decided just to be friends, so we can avoid being hurt. Don’t worry about things, is not your fault, you couldn’t do anything, just be there and be a good friend, that’s all. I am sorry you’re going through this, I know it hurts.
It sounds to me like the person you have been seeing is maybe married or involved in another relationship at least, sorry to be blunt. If they have anhedonia it means they are struggling to feel emotions or love and the” re learning morals “comment suggests to me they have been involved in an affair (with you maybe) in an attempt to try and bring a heightened sense of feeling into their life.
I think you need to respect what this person is telling you. If you are in the early stages of something here, it may be worth looking for someone who can be involved in a healthy relationship with you.
Hey,
It gave me some light reading this. I have been with my partner for 3 and half years now, he used to be so full of life, happiness and in love within the first year of our relationship until he got himself into massive debts.
Since then, he continues to tell me that he has no feelings or emotions, always saying don’t know to simple questions like why don’t you feel emotions or feelings, or like how do you not know how you feel about me or think about me even though he says he loves me and wants a future….
This ‘I don’t have feelings or emotions’ has really had a toll on our relationship, I can never have a serious conversation with him about my feelings, what’s happening or how we can improve our relationship. It’s also had a big toll on our sex Life with each other.
I did see him go through a really tough time battling the debts and having no money, but I also think I had bad depression which is to the reason of the no feelings or emotions.
I have suggested maybe going to talk to someone, and tell them what’s going on but it goes no where and he just says he’s fine and there’s nothing wrong with him.
I just genuinely don’t know what to do anymore as it has taken such a big toll on our relationship
I am so thankful for sites like these. I am currently scouring the internet for any help or guidance I can get in dealing with my husband’s depression. I recently learned about anhedonia but last January was when our relationship really started to hurt. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and he’s been a very supportive and dedicated husband. But I got laid off from work last year and since November 2019, I’ve been with my parents to take care of my dad whose cancer got worse and my mom who underwent a major surgery in her lungs. During these difficult times, many sleepless nights staying with my dad in the hospital, my husband tells me he doesn’t feel anything for me but feels so guilty that he is doing this to me during a time I needed him the most. It’s been such a struggle trying to stay strong for my parents, for my husband but especially for myself. He said he’s been depressed and we had so many conversations on what I did wrong in the relationship or how he needs time and space. He won’t let me come home to be with him as he thinks he needs to fix this himself and that he is afraid that when I’m finally around, he would realize that he really can’t feel anything for me anymore. He said he doesn’t feel anything about everything, even the things he liked. I told him I understand that he is depressed and that I am always here to talk to and that I will not let depression ruin our marriage. He is very willing to get professional help which is great. He is having his first phone consultation tomorrow but sometimes, it would seem he has “good” days but still seems very afraid to show any love for me. I tried to tell him that maybe I should come home and be there to support him but he was very adamant about me not being there physically. We talk everyday and on Facetime often but I want to be there during his treatment but it sounds like it would hurt our relationship more if I pushed further. I got so scared that there might be someone else since in the beginning of this, he mentioned feeling a connection to a co-worker but later said nothing romantic ever happened. It was just talk. I’m dealing with feelings of inadequacy myself and paranoia that he might still be in contact with her even when he said he stopped and blocked her on his phone. I’m also trying to work on myself but this has been so hard because I’m currently unemployed and I don’t feel valuable or loved/wanted. I turn to exercise to drown out these negative thoughts and feelings but at night, when it gets quiet is the worst. I just need something to help me cope. I really want our marriage to make it through this.
My partner started suffering extreme depression in August. Since then he has gradually withdrawn more and more to the point he no longer wants or shows any affection. For 3 months he displayed anger and was very snappy towards me which is completely out of character. Before his depression he was simply wonderful to be with. Since December the snappiness has stopped and he is now much calmer but very sad/negative and still withdrawn. He says he feels numb and has no feelings towards me. On a few occasions he has said d he has a strong urge to break up with me. To compound all of this we are living in another country with his work and I have very few friends and feel incredibly lonely. I am trying so hard to be positive but at times I really struggle with the weight of it all. As he is depressed he is very apathetic and emotionless. Recently he has been put on strong medication and has been speaking to a counsellor. He has been trying to make more of an effort with me but the lack of love/affection really upsets me. Please could anyone offer some advice. I have never dealt with depression before so any comments would be most welcome 🙏
Sorry you are going through this, I have been through the same thing exactly. We were together 15years I cant say things have got better, she left me very quickly, devopled feelings for someone else “that she used to have for me” and has moved on. We are now going through a divorce 2 years later. It has been very hard, not a day goes by when I wonder what I did, and how I never saw this coming, but depression and anxiety, changes people and I now accept I have lost my partner. I will not tell you its easy and things will be ok when he’s better, they won’t. I have read just about everything I could to try and understand but with the help of good friends I’m learning to accept my life with her is over.Finding sites like this have been invaluable in realising you are not alone. Sending thoughts your way.
Thank you so much for this message, it’s a comfort to know that I’m not alone. My partner has made some improvements since this last post, but is still suffering with endless sadness and has again asked for some more space to work on himself. I have reluctantly agreed to this, but still feel very hurt and confused by everything. I keep hoping that things will get better but I am not sure if they will 🙁
Can you please send an update? Are you guys still together?
Wife of 7 years has slipped into major depression, 1 year out from 1st child, she has lost all feelings of attraction towards me per what she says. She says she has felt numb for the last several months, thinks somebody else would be better for me. Is her depression getting in the way of her attraction to me? We have never had sexual issues or irritation in the bedroom until recently after baby was born and depression came on. Help.
I have been married to my husband for nearly 7 years, together for 13. I have always loved him very much but 6 months after our baby was born i seem to have lost all my feeling towards him, this is going back 9months now. I have been diagnosed with PND as I also don’t have the feelings I should towards my baby. I hate to admit it as I never thought I would do such a thing but I have been having an affair and feel as though I am in love with the other man. I have no feeling for anything other than this man, and anything to do with him. Is this the depression I’m in that’s making me crave something else and blocking out feelings for my husband? Will it get better??
Hello Michelle,
I’m very sorry to hear you have been diagnosed with PND.
Depression has the ability to numb our feelings. It’s not unusual for people with depression to engage in risky or unusual behaviour to feel something: it’s all about pleasure seeking. You are possibly feeling in love with the other man because of the novelty of a new relationship, but I can guarantee you that if you hang around long enough with this new guy, you will also eventually fall out of love with him in the future. I’ve seen it many times. The issue is within yourself – depression is clouding your judgement, including how you feel about your newborn and husband.
Yes, you will get better because I have seen a number of people getting better IF properly treated. Change is possible indeed. However, you will need to get professional treatment for your depression, or review the treatment you are getting, because it won’t go away on its own. If not tackled properly, the risk to you is to damage important relationships in your life. The good news is that depression is highly treatable and manageable.
My suggestions to you are the following:
1) Educate yourself on depression. I know it can be so hard trying to focus on a book when your mind is racing. My top two book suggestions are: ‘Undoing depression’ and ‘Depression is contagious’. ‘Mindfulness for depression’ by Kabat-Zin is great, but it can be hard to engage in mindfulness in the middle of an episode. When depression hurts your relationship is a great one.
2) Tell your husband what you are feeling and let him know you believe this is due to depression. And that you want to get better because you don’t want to lose your relationship with him.
3) As your husband to help you seek professional help – family physicians (GPs) may not be best placed to manage chronic or long-term depression. I would recommend you seek a psychiatrist specialising in mood disorders to check whether medication can help (medication does not make us addicted to it). A good clinical psychologist is key! They should be using CBT, or a combination of CBT with other evidence-based approaches (DBT, Midfulness-based CBT). Sometimes they use psychodynamic approaches (understanding our attachment patterns / early life relationships) or trauma-informed approaches in the mix. It will all depend on your presentation.
There’s hope – and remember: remission is the key. Support yourself with loved ones.
Keep us posted.
** Sorry – I meant to say remission is the goal. **
Hi I have been with my husband for 25 wonderful exciting years, over the past 5 years he has slowly slipped into a deep and devastating depression, during this he had an affair, and he took on the role of the affair partners childs father, unbeknown to me until it all came out. Its devastating trying to fix it all, we have three grown sons, whom know a little but not all. My husband constantly tells me none of this is my fault, that I was more than he could of wished for, but he cant feel anymore, we never fought, had a great life, but he has this depression and his choice of stimulation is now becoming this childs father whilst trying to maintain our marriage which is not working obviously due to contact with the affair partner whom has no idea of his mental state He is so depressed can not get up some mornings, I try to help, we still have a respectful and caring partnership, but he can not demonstrate love. We were so in love its devastating and I don’t have much hope as he is only gets help for short periods then stops. He demonstrates all the extremes of feelings but not deep love like he used to. Its such a loss, do they ever come out of this depression. His doctor and Mental Health professionals diagnosed him with andhomenia ?, lack of feelings. What can I do to help. Ive been trying everything. We move forwards then plummet backwards.
Hi Naomi, I was a Sex and Love addict recovery secretary holing a space for people such as your husband to recover. It is the same program as 12 step AA the difference is the 12 steps are suitable for people who fit the self- diagnosis of SLAA instead. Your husband is a classic case. I have heard many many stories similar and almost all men have stayed in their marriages, got a voluntary sponsor and worked the recovery steps with full support and their marriages have vastly improved as has intimacy in all areas. Normally at some point the guys will be ready to take onboard therapy as well during the steps. In this situation early therapy would be useful, look for humanistic on to one for your husband and check the therapist has over 10 years experience with intimacy and avoidance problems and preferably many years of love addiction counselling/similar, there are lots of meetings and both of you will find them useful (it would be very useful and supportive and the book about the guy who started the actual group his journey as to his love addiction and similar themes to your husband i think would be very helpful for u to look at you can get one from a group or ask which one to get) but your husband will need also to go alone to release and get his head around it all, Best wishes love addict recoverer Katy
Reading these give me bit of hope but I’m looking for some insight. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me all of a sudden because he “lost feelings” and doesn’t love me romantically anymore. I asked if there was even a chance for us in the future and he said romantically no. However, we are best friends and we’re before this and he wants to be in my life and vice versa so we are continually going to hangout (it’s praticallg dating minus the romantic stuff which confuses me). The thing is, he just started on antidepressants and I’ve noticed he’s been distant and withdrawn from everyone except family and more tired and just dull. He’s liked me for 10 years and after a few months he suddenly looses feelings coincidentally when his depression starts? I even had asked if he was happy and wanted to break up the week before and he was genuinely stern when saying he did not and he was happy. I understand what’s happened has happened and I need to give him space but I just want to know if there’s any possibility of us in the future or if the medication has sudden made him loose interest (since he even said he lost his list for life and just is confused and isn’t committed to the relationship).
Hi Rachal
I understand how you are feeling right now as I’m in a very similar situation as yours. I’m not sure if you can have him back but one thing that is quite positive is that he is treating himself by medication. Although the medicine may not totally cure his depression, at least he is doing something for his difficult situation. And that’s where you can feel hope as doing something is better than walking away from it.
My husband said hurtful things to me 3 weeks ago (just like your situation, all of a sudden) saying that he wanted to live alone instead of living together with me. From that day onward, he changed a lot. He becomes a stranger to me and he thought I am the one who stuck his way in life. But he is not going to take any medicine as he is afraid that the side effects may affect his performance at work. And honestly, he doesn’t really want to treat himself as he thinks what he is doing now is not because of the depression but his own will.
Rachal, you have my full support whatever your situation has become.
I am no psychotherapist, but having read what you wrote, and also from someone who has gone through what you are going through right now, I caution you. It’s not your fault you’re feeling the way you do, but you are doing the right thing and seeking therapy(CBT) that alone may not help you though, as it all depends on the way your brain works. Some people need meds and some don’t. I on the other hand had a . mis of both, and it helped a lot. You can only do what’s best for you & your husband. Communication is the number one thing between you and your husband. Don’t lose a good thing just because you don’t FEEL like you love someone. Love is NOT a feeling, it’s an action. All the best.
Hi, I have been scrolling through these comments and some them completely sum up how I feel.
I am 27 and I have been with my husband for 6 years, we got married 6 months ago. I suffer from anxiety and depression, I’m currently seeing a psychotherapist for CBT to help me with my issues.
My anxiety and depression are now really affecting my relationship. Currently I am questioning wether or not I am still in love with him! I feel so confused….deep down I know I love him but just can’t seem to feel anything. I struggle to show affection towards him, barely have a sex drive and always just seem moody and irritable when he’s around and I don’t know why.
On the other hand I have the odd days where I feel normal and in love again.
He has obviously noticed I have changed and I have spoken to him about how feel to some extent but I don’t want to hurt him.
We are newlyweds and I feel like this should be the best time in our lives…it’s just so confusing.
Any advice on how I help things would be appreciated I am going to stick with CBT just now but should I see my doctor about maybe starting some meds to boost my mood?
Hi ash, I have both studied psychotherapy and also been a recovering love addict and held space for recovering love and sex addicts working the SLAA programme (free and in most major citys and towns or u get the paperwork and start the group yourself) of whom all are intimacy avoidants. You are experiencing classic intimacy fear and the further commitment has clear pressed some intimacy and avoidance buttons, check out SLAA and read the self diagnosis and characteristics, if it fits u could go to some meetings and see if u wanted to do the recovery steps whilst then telling your husband u were doing them and then you would be supported by others in similar situations.
My partner is avoidant in different ways. For example he has sabotaged our evening together tonight by being hysterical, angry , over the top and basiaclly pushed me away. He has felt lonely all day and he has made this a reality tonight when upon seeing me he became a nightmare: he is just manifesting his own fear of intimacy and yet obsessive and confused need to have it and the same time, pull-push, pull-push that those of us love addict recoverers know so very well…. Katy
My spouse and I have been together for 5 and a half years and married for almost 4. My wife is a work-a-holic so it didn’t phase me when she was looking stressed and losing sleep and texting/emailing all night during a project. The holidays were difficult, as usual – due to family, but we got through it like normal (or so I thought). In January, I changed jobs and got that horrid flu so I wasn’t overly concerned that we weren’t having sex or feeling as connected. February was going to be my time to reconnect so I booked a vacation for us to get away and reconnect. I had an amazing time. It took her a bit to relax but it seemed she was finally doing that and I was happy. Valentine’s Day was that week and I went all out; flowers, candy, card. At 1:45 a.m. I was awakened by her texting someone else. It was her friend who she had been spending an awful lot of time with. It was all weird to me, didn’t feel right so I asked what was going on. She said she didn’t love me anymore. She had been wanting to leave me for a couple months. She said she honestly didn’t feel anything at all. Not happy about her new job, not happy about being 4 months from graduating college, and not loving me anymore. Since then I have been caught up in this rollercoaster of emotion. I also found out that my health was worse than I thought and I need surgery next month. She is going to individual therapy but begrudgingly and not doing her assignments. She lies a lot, she hides her phone, she isn’t having an affair (trust me, I have investigated this thoroughly) but she saves all her energy for co-workers and friends and ignores me completely. We had a major blow-out last Friday when she was drunk. I decided it was over this time. I didn’t know what to do. She said she was done with me so I said goodbye and tried to leave. She slept it off and begged me to stay…and I did. Deep down, I don’t want to leave her but I just feel like she’s already left me. We will have 2-3 solid days of sweet loving fun and she seems to be back to her old self, then 4 days of this aloof, cold, evasive, cocky person. She brags about her friends and her life and acts like I hold her back. She doesn’t want to touch me, kiss me, hold me at all. She doesn’t respond to texts hardly, never answers calls anymore…but that’s just for me. Her friends, she JUMPS to see what who texts/calls are from. Her schoolwork has dropped to almost no effort, her household responsibilities non-existent, her bills are paid late, she even has had a hard time keeping up with work; which is crazy because she is ALWAYS working. She works late but is so easily distracted that she puts important stuff off and then gets more stressed! I just do not know what to do. I need help. I love her desperately and want to work on this but I cannot do this alone. Literally I cannot fix this. I try being aloof back or making other plans…she gets needy…then ignores me at home and says she wishes she could go out w/ her friends (as if I stop her). I just feel like a crazy person because the relationship is SO all over the place. Any advice will help…please…
I am going through exactly the same thing you are going through. my husband of at 11 years is a workaholic now and said doesn’t love me any more and says he doesnt see a future with us. presents all the same characteristics ; anger cocky and cold. he went from saying part of him wanting to be together and part of him was scared to, i dont love you any more. he is now in London when we planned a future with his family, I have sold my house and renting and waiting. we were ever so happy never argued always laughing and he was the nicest kindest attentive and loving person I’ve ever met my life he never liked shouting and may i add is a psychotherapist. he is now emotionless. I have tried everything I know now I can’t fix it I’m not even sure at this point if I should walk away or not. I have not slept in months, literally a wreck! texts are one word though he is keeping in contact and this is good. I am being really patient but my days can be very bad where I just come home and fall to my knees in tears. I try to remain calm and let him know that I’ll always be there for him and how much I love him. he says that this doesnt help. I need help too! I would be grateful for any help at all….
Karen, I wish I had better advice for you. I have since lost contact with my wife. She was communicating well for a while, saying good morning and good night and random visits but now she has totally disappeared. I just has surgery a week ago and that went well but she was a wreck and said it was too hard to be there with my family. She came a couple times to the hospital but said it just made things too hard for her…imagine how it was for me…but no, she’s entirely self-centered at this point. She wants to pretend I don’t exist now. It is hard feel so alone and be sick and know that she is there working herself to death then retreating to her lonely apartment, wearing herself thin. I want to be there and help her but I truly cannot. I need help. I need her. I need my partner. She is gone. At the hospital when we were alone together, she would hold my hand and told me she loves me and I know she felt something. I know she misses me. The problem is, the reminder of what she’s done and how she’s reacted since her illness began has thrown her into deep guilt and regret. She is trying to block that out and hence block ME out. I have backed off and am letting her go for now. I still hold out hope but I have to get better and keep moving forward. I hope she will come back to me but I fear she would rather just move on. She still doesn’t want therapy and/or think she needs help. I cannot change her or make her want to get help. I wish I could. My best advice is to reach out to your circle, get outside, do things that take your mind off of him for a short while to give you rest. You need to rest. Keep those lines of communication open if you can and I’ll pray that he realizes that he has all the love and support he needs to get through this with you. Good luck. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Hi Lisa,
I am so happy that your surgery went well and it is important that you take care of yourself firstly to be strong for your partner during this terrible time.
It took me a very long time to realize the dark and unemotional time that my husband is going through, feeling worthless but still trying to save face with the outside world. I am thankful that he goes to work each day and hope that he is doing well in his job. He has told me that work & me is the only thing that keeps him focused. I don’t think that your wife is trying to block you out, I do think that she is incapable right now to think of anything except not being depressed. This is all about them right now, and they cannot think of anything besides themselves as this gets too overwhelming. I realize that this is very hard to bear but it is very true. No matter what we do or say it is just words that they hear. They know they should be attentive but simply cant. I will never stop sending nice messages via text, wishing him to have a good day, as best as, and let him know that he is the brightest part of my day. I will never stop saying “I love you” at the end of some of our conversations and he will now say, “I know you do”.
Have you had time to research anhedonia? It sounds like she may be experiencing this symptom along with depression. I have spent weekends reading and watching videos regarding depression and anhedonia and this helps me understand his darkest hours. Also I have been reading “Journeys with the Black Dog” and though depressing to read at times it helps me better understand the help that is needed. Good mornings and good nights, though very important to me, is nonexistent in our relationship right now, but I know that the morning and night can be there darkest hours. It is all they can do to get themselves together and do what is absolutely needed to start a day that is filled with confusion.
Do hold out hope, but gently try to mention going to see her GP. It sounds like she will need medication and I know this will help greatly. A diagnosis is very important as we don’t know what is really going on without it. If she agrees it would be beneficial for you to go with her, but you are right, you cannot make her go, she has got to want help too and understand that this is the only way to help her to start to feel better. It is a very excruciating, long recovery and without it, I think, one can only go deeper into their self. Drinking alcohol will only make things worse, so if you can help with that, it would be best. Just little steps, one at a time, and gently.
Please keep in contact and take care of the both of you. For now, hold on to all the wonderful memories and send a few reminders to her of times past. I will pray for her to hang in there and get the help that she so desperately needs.
Thank you so much for this. You have really helped. I appreciate it.
My boyfriend of five years broke up with me in late January. We were in a long-distance relationship for four years. Then I got accepted at a university in his city and we were very happy for almost a whole year. During the four years away, he would break up with me then return. And this happened several times. We thought he was just the kind of guy who can’t deal with a long-distance relationship. So I waited.
Then I came to Tehran and we were happy as hell. Until one day he told me he no longer has any feelings for me and doesn’t know why.
He said I’m not what he wants. After five years he realized that!
I had previously suspected that he has seasonal affective disorder as he would always get romantic in spring and summer and I do not remember a happy winter, ever. When I told him I think he has depression, at first he accepted it. But then after two weeks he turned into this raging asshole who would snap at every word I said.
Now I’m waiting for spring to come and if he feels better, then it means I was right about his illness and he has to follow up on it. If not, it means my mind is making up excuses to not accept that he no longer loves me.
The terrible thing is that we live in Iran, and mental illness is made fun of here by many people. So the last time I told him you have depression you just don’t know how it works, he was like you’re the one with issues and you should see a doctor. I mean I have issues but I wasn’t the one who fell out of love and drank all the time.
Ever since he broke up with me I feel this anxiety and I vomit from time to time. Reading your stories really helped me. I hope he starts feeling love for me again, like all the previous five years when he would start texting me in spring again.
This time, we’ll know if it’s depression or he just doesnt love me.
My girlfriend of almost 2 years with depression broke up with me in the beginning of January. I met this sweet, beautiful girl when we were in junior college in April 2016. She was the nicest person I’ve ever met. She told me she had depression and anxiety when we started dating, and she took medication regularly. At the moment, I had little knowledge about depression and anxiety because i had never had them. We fell in love quickly, to the point that she would tell me she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. Couple month in the relationship, she told me she didn’t need to take medication anymore because I had cured her anxiety and depression. She told me no one has ever made that happen to her before. We were madly in love, and we were the happiest couple. We spent pretty much everyday together, and she would sleep over at my house 2-3 days a week. In July 2017, she cheated on me with one of her old friends. She didn’t plan for it, and she even told me she was going to his house to check up on him that night because he was sick. Couple days later I found out through their texts, and she was so guilty and ashamed of it. She said she was scared when he initiated it, and she didn’t know how to respond. She cried her eyes out, and hated herself so much because she hurt the only person that she cared about in this world. I was so angry and hurt, and I cheated on her a week after with some random girl because I was mad. I know I am a bad person, and I hate myself for it, but I was blinded by my anger at that moment. Couple days late I told her I cheated on her, but she didn’t get angry because she thinks she deserves it. She begged me to keep the relationship going. We promised each other that we would never do it again. Since then, I was a little distance from her because I was trying to focus and heal myself. But in general, our relationship was still great. We were happy most of the time (at least she seemed like it). I still love her very much. In October, she wanted to break up with me because of the guilt, but we talked it out. The anger and frustration inside me has lessen day by day, and I would show her more and more affection. Everything seems good between us. We were so intimate, and we had sex all the time. In the beginning of January, one day out of the blue she told me she doesn’t want this anymore, and she can’t handle it. She said she couldn’t feel any emotion, and all the depression and anxiety are coming back. I was so lost because I thought everything was starting getting better, and we were finally getting pass the infidelity. We agreed to take a break from each other. Now it has been a month, and things seem worse between us. She has become so cold and mean. I would text her couple times a week to let her know that I am here for her, and love her unconditionally, but all of these stuffs seem to push her away even more. She barely replied to any of my texts, but I still tried to let her know that she is not alone. She blamed me for making her depression come back, and she doesn’t know if she still loves me anymore. She told me she cares about me, but she can’t be with me. I was so lost and hurt. Since the break I had no appetite at all. I lost 10 pounds within 3 weeks. My mental is getting worse and worse, and I have no motivation to do anything, I think about her everyday. I just want her to get better, and come back to me. I asked to meet up with her to get back my stuffs at her house last week but she said she couldn’t do it right now. She kept postponing. Yesterday, I asked to meet up with her again to get back some of my stuffs but she said she couldn’t do it right now because she is not emotional stable enough to be in person with me. I was frustrated and straight up asked her if she was breaking up with me. She answered YES. Now I really regret pushing her for the answer. I guess the only thing I can do now is to give her space and let her figure out herself. She refused to take medication and go to therapy. I am not going to contact her anymore until she contacts me first. It might be a month, a year or never. I miss her dearly. I don’t know how long i can wait for her but she will always have a place in my heart. I will not abandon her because we have been through so much together and I love her with all my heart. I just want her to get better and come back to me. K, if you are reading this, I am sorry that I have to post it because I am so lost and hopeless. I will always love you.
Hello,
Your situation reminded a lot mine. How did you survive this ?
Hi Otidipote,
Thank you for your response. I did not expect anyone would read it. I can’t believe it was more than a year ago. When I re-read everything I wrote, it seems like it was yesterday, but the only thing is my mental state is so much better now. I don’t get angry or even sad when I read it. One thing is certain is that Time Heals Everything. I am not gonna lie, I still think about her all the time, but I accept the truth, which is we are not going to get back together. I know she was part of my precious memory and experience, and I treasure them, but I don’t live in my fantasy. You have to move on and you will. In fact, she’ve already had two boyfriends after our break up.
So how did I survive this?
After our break up I was so depressed, and I actually went to see a psychologist or therapist. He helped me a lot. I was able to share my frustration and anger emotion with him. I was lucky enough to have my friends support me and talk to me during my darkest time. Having supports from your friends and family is very important. I also tried to keep myself busy with schoolwork and work, which get your mind off thinking about her a little. The one thing that helped me the most was I picked up a new hobby, rock climbing. It lets me to have something to focus on, to work for, to motivate myself to get better at it. When you have a goal in your mind to work for, other things seem to not as important anymore. Rock climbing also enabled me to meet new people, make new friends, and get myself out of the house. There is always a better woman/man out there waiting for you. In fact, i actually went on a date last week, and it was very fun.
Hang in there, you will get better..
Ricky
After 15 years of marriage and 4 beautiful kids my wife tells me that she doesn’t love me and that she never did….15 years!!! and if this is true she is the best actress ever because I believe her when she told me million times that she loves me… This is not the first time she said I don’t love you, the first time it was 5 years after we married, and it is the time when we find out that she was suffering from depression after she starts taking her medication our relationship got better. but now she takes her medication she talks to a therapist every week and she has gone back to the same conclusion as years ago, that she never loved me, and she only married me to get out of her parents’ house. I’m going crazy, and I do not understand how a person can lie for 15 years? I pray to God that is the depression talking and not my wife.
I found this post very interesting as someone who was recently broken up with. My boyfriend of 8 years has depression and broke up with me in November. He has been withdrawn due to family issues, which I had nothing to do with and our relationship was a very happy one. I was completely blind sided by the break up, he told me a couple of weeks after that he didn’t even understand why he did it. He told friends he was numb inside and although I was a great girlfriend he can’t care for anyone else at the moment. At one point he said if he gets help and feels better we can be together again. He also said he can’t really smile or laugh anymore, and he had always been a very happy person. I’m scared I’ll never get him back
Hi Anna,
This happened to me one year ago. My boyfriend of many years broke up with me after taking me out to dinner one night. Talk about blind sided. He said he ‘was a mess and I deserved better.’
I spent the rest of 2017 trying to help him and work on us. And after those frustrating, sad months, I pulled the plug on Jan 3rd.
If, and only if, your boyfriend is willing to get the help he needs does your relationship with him have a chance. In the meantime, take care of yourself. I was beyond devastated at this time last year. I feel better now, knowing I did everything I could. Hugs.
Thanks for your reply Dawn. So far we haven’t had any contact since November as he wants to do counselling and he thought if I contacted him he would just feel pressure about us. So I’ve left him be to do that. He said at one point that if his counselling goes well and he feels better then he will ask me out again. I don’t know if that will happen so I’m just going day by day and trying to not think about it too much.
Him actually getting help is good. No guarantee that it will bring the two of you back together.
I think you’re doing the right thing (I know, what else can you do) by continuing on with your life the best you can. How I wish there were more happy endings here. I hope yours is one.
I have depression, but I never lost love for my husband when I went through bouts though there were times when it was pushed way down. I know it’s different for men.
Are there any men who feel like they don’t love their wives anymore when they have depression on this site who can answer some questions for me?
1) When the depression lifts did the feelings of love come right back or was it something you had to work at?
2) Did you honestly believe you had lost love for your partner for other reasons and not depression or that depression was only a small part of it and this is why you have to leave?
3) Did it honestly feel like you lost love or was the love there and you knew it was way down in there?
I will give you my perspective, although I don’t think it fits completely in line with what you’re asking. I can relate to this blog post because I too have been in three relationships where at the beginning I was extremely happy and very attracted to the person and then after a period of months I would become absolutely repulsed by them. It would actually become a chore to meet with them. I was absolutely convinced I needed to break it off and wanted nothing more than to have some solitude. And then I would break it off and soon thereafter go into a tailspin and want my ex back again, to the point of near obsession. So for me it was turning away when I was feeling “well,” and then wanting them back when I spiraled into the hole of depression. It took three relationships like that for me to realize what I was doing to my partner, and I’m ashamed. I had read once that depression is like the myth of the Siren call—the desire to pull away sounds so sweet, but it’s really the insiduous nature of the disease that wants you alone so that it can destroy you piecemeal. Another analogy that I think is very apt is that you become so used to being alone that the possibility of you not being alone becomes a threat to your very identity.
Thanks for this Jim. I appreciate your perspective. This is good insight and i think my situation has suffered because my partner took this approach.
Anne did you ever get more clarity on this? e
Around 2 months ago my partner suddenly broke down and started questioning everything about our relationships. He felt extreme guilt for thinking about other people, having fantasies that didn’t involve me, looking at other people and finding them attractive. He felt this must mean he wasn’t happy in our relationship and questioned everything. Things got worse when his depression worsened, he started have suicidal thoughts and withdrew from me. He continued to go to work which was great as his work mates are very supportive so at least I knew he was safe when he wasn’t with me.
We got to the GP, he was started on anti-depressants, and we paid for a counsellor and after a month he was improving lots, life felt back to normal almost again. We got 3 weeks of him feeling better when 10 days ago he slumped majorly again. Says he knows he must love me but can’t feel it. He just wants his feelings for me back. He says he doesn’t know what he wants as he can’t see a future for us nor on his own. It feels just awful and is hurtful hearing the person you love, regardless of the cause tell you they don’t know if they have feelings for you. The GP has changed his anti-depressant now and he is due to see a counsellor soon. In the meantime we are plodding on in the hope that the feelings come back and life can get back to some degree of normality. I guess from reading others stories on here there is some comfort in knowing that others are going through similar things, good luck to us all!
My now ex boyfriend told me “I like you, I just don’t know if I will like you all the time”… best of luck to you, hugs
Going through the same thing for the second time, 18 months apart. We’ve actually broken up and I’m not sure how to proceed as I’m certain he won’t get help this time. I hope your boyfriend improves with the new treatment. Good luck!
Yeah it is very difficult knowing what to do for the best for us or them! As hard as it is to believe at times, I guess everything happens for a reason, even when that reason is not clear or is difficult to get your head round at the time. All the best to you.
after not understanding and not being what she needed during her darkest days a few years ago, my wife and I are both in a dark spot and our marriage is in the crapper. The complexity i haven’t seen addressed in is when she shuts me out and turns to another man, what do I do???? This other man is exactly what she feels she needs, and can give her something that evidently I can’t. Under any normal circumstances, I would be more than happy to team up with the guy to make sure my wife gets what she needs, but there is more than that in their relationship and i am scared I would drive her into his arms.
As a husband, I’m committed to loving her and supporting her… I’ve improved myself and trying to read a lot about depression. I cant find any advice on what to do when there is another man in the picture. I try to do one thing every day to improve our relationship, but the rest of the time, I try not to focus on saving our marriage, just supporting my wife and young children. I have put my needs aside, and will go as long and as hard as I can without expecting anything in return…
It’s so sad to see a similar thing happening to so many people. I’m one of them.
My partner of almost five years is currently living away, after declaring he’d forgotten how to relate to me and saying he needed some space. He says he wants to love me again, because he doesn’t want to lose such an important relationship, but right now he just doesn’t feel anything. I see it as part of a bigger problem because for a long time he’s lacked direction and enthusiasm for life, and is unable to be satisfied by anything he achieves. But he’s not currently doing anything to fix the problem, rather he’s just distracting himself with friends and work and drink and seems to hope time alone will sort things out. Or not.
I try to be positive that the fact he wants to feel for me again is precious. But I’m terrified he never will. Because we honestly have a wonderful partnership and have built a great life together and it would be tragic to lose that.
I just want to help and support him, but he says it’s something he needs to deal with alone. I appreciate that, but I’m frustrated that he doesn’t seem to be helping himself and I can’t do anything, so I feel powerless. He’s not been diagnosed as having depression, but it seems fairly obvious to me that’s what it is. I don’t want to lose the love of my life to mental illness.
Im very sorry to read your situation I am in the same boat my gf off 11yrs and 3 children has just walked out , no feelings at all for me and left 2 children with me , very cold with me know not interested in fixing any thing is convinced it can’t be fixed and her feeling can’t change , has ruiened my family and my life !! I wish u the best
My fiance left me a couple weeks ago. Everything was great the first few years. I saw moments here and there were she was depressed or had anxiety issues. I was always able to comfort her and cheer her up in the beginning. I didn’t know much about depression and what it could do to someone, and what it could do to a happy loving relationship. She hid the anxiety and depression from me as much as she could. When we started planning a wedding we found out she was pregnant. We were both excited about the baby. She had a week during pregnancy where she got really depressed and left me out of nowhere. This destroyed me. I gave her space. I thought it was hormones because this wasn’t like her. She came back around about 5 weeks later. I forgave her and moved passed it. Everything went back to normal quickly. Back to being in love and happy.
Fast forward and our baby turned 1. She started getting badly depressed again. She would push me away for days and scream and yell at me for no reason. Then love me and cuddle with me the next few days. Then it would repeat that way for awhile. She would get mad at everything I would do and lash out at me. It would be something as simple as hanging her shirt up in the wrong part of the closet, and it was the end of the world. She would threaten to leave me when I argued back. Blame everything on me. Twenty minutes later she would tell me that I am an amazing father, the best guy she has ever known, and that she loves me. I walked on eggshells everyday not knowing how depressed she was going to wake up. If she had a tough day at work, I knew it was going to be a horrible night at home. She would burst into tears randomly, fall asleep on the couch when really depressed. She was tired every single day. She said she couldn’t “get out of her own head”. I figured it was anxiety, and getting worse.
Most of the time in the last year she treated me and my daughter badly. I felt like I couldn’t leave her alone with my daughter because she got so worked up and stressed out if she had her by herself for an hour. I helped around the house daily, took care of my daughter, and tried to be as supportive as I could be. After a year of this not getting better and her not getting help, I felt like throwing in the towel, but I can’t give up on my family. During calm moments where she said she knows she has been horrible to me I calmly said she should she a doctor. That she can’t beat depression on her own. That I just want her to be happy and it will make us happy together. She seemed to want to but doesn’t do anything about it. She said she doesn’t have time to go talk to someone.
She was horrible to me one morning and I yelled back at her. I never yell but I did this time. I was fed up. She left with my daughter to stay at her mom’s house. She told me she needs to “fix” herself and figure out why she is getting so angry and depressed. I honestly don’t think it’s me that caused it. She blamed it on me though. Didn’t acknowledge it was her that made us like this the last year. I am not perfect, but I don’t cheat or do drugs, or anything bad. I am a nice, loving guy. She pushed me away for months leading up to this. There was no intimacy anymore. I tried, she wasn’t willing to try to be intimate. She would say that it was the last thing on her mind.
I have spent the last 2 weeks reading about depression and anxiety. A big part of me wants her to come back. I miss my family. But at the same time I know that if she comes back it will be like this at some point again unless she gets professional help. I can’t make her happy with this depression and anger dragging her down. I have been giving her space. I figure eventually she will see it’s not me, it’s depression. Hopefully she will get help so we can be a family.
I have never written in any forum before so I’m very new to this. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and up until 2 months ago everything was great. I felt so in love and was excited for our future. 2 months ago I woke up one day feeling really fed up (I also suffer from anxiety and get very low at times) and started to randomly question if I love him or not. I started to obsess over this, compare and avoid him, I have been put on anti depressants and signed off my work because it’s affected me that bad. I feel so guilty and horrible because I know he’s the person I want to be with but I can’t seem to feel any love or any passion for a lot of other things in my life. I feel like I have lost my self and will never feel better. I’m so desperate to feel love again rather than completely numb. I feel like I don’t recognise myself or him and I can’t remember how to love. If anyone has any similar situations or advice I would appreciate it so much.
I totally understand. It is put me into a major depression. I feel so numb.
i have the same situation with my husband and it is killing me can u please share if u eventually felt your love back ir at least if u hesitated the decision you broke up with your love? I would appreciate your reply, thank u so much and hope u feel better now
Was there anything he could have done to help? My girlfriend sounds exactly like you. Almost 3 years together, she had depression and anxiety. Our 3 years were amazing. Starting in April she began to pull away, then finally broke up with me in June. Left me completely confused.
Nicole, I sympathize with you because I’m experiencing the same thing!! All I can suggest is don’t sit still…keep moving; continue improving yourself
-Chris
The man I love checked out nearly 2 months ago. Now he says we are just friends after nearly a month of silence. We had the best 2 years of my life and I truly love that guy. He now is mean and short with me. After being on this website it feels completely hopeless. I so wanted to hear things could change but it seems you are just fortunate if they return and still love you. My heart has never been so hurt. I realize after reading everyones comments my only choice is to move on and heal!! It is so very sad, I just want that loving guy back and I feel like he vanished.
I could not relate any more to you. My bf of nearly two years has been through cycles of feeling our relationship and then pulling away- it can only be attributed to his use of medication.
It sounds crazy but the minute he starts taking the sertraline it’s like he loses any feelings he has for me.
He was incredibly loving, very thoughtful and to be honest just my best friend. I never felt trust like I have with him, but in the last three months it’s like i’m Watching the person I love disappear in front of my eyes and it’s the most painful thing i’ve ever had to endure.
The last time he stopped taking this medication he came back to me and it was like the dark cloud had been lifted.
I want him to get better, more than anything and have seen my own health spiral having put him first for the last year or so. He’s got to a point now where I feel he is unrecognizable- short with me, we barely talk anymore, he doesn’t ask me how things are with me and recently said that I am draining on him, when I actually reached out to tell him how I was feeling.
To make matters worse, I have seen that he is messaging complete strangers (girls) on social media, is this an ego boost?
I am completely confused, why if someone can’t feel love and empathy can they turn it on for a stranger?
Can anyone help me with this?
I am beyond heartbroken, I refuse to believe that this person whom I fell for, does not love me. But what am I supposed to do? I’ve tried to be there as the best friend but without the relationship part and I can’t help but feel broken by it. I don’t want to just walk out on him and give up- but his recent ‘I want to be alone’ mood isn’t giving me much choice.
This is me to a “t”. I found this article after typing “can someone lose romantic feelings for a spouse”?
I know I love my husband. He is a good man. Stable and steady. He is not abusive, but is set in his ways and tends to lack empathy.
While I do not want to break up the marriage, I have no romantic feelings for him. I love him as a fact not as feeling.
But I feel as if I am suffocating and find myself in a cycle of overspending. I shop to feel. Then we fight and the cycle continues.
I have been diagnosed with depression and have been on meds since I was a teen. I also have used escape my whole life and realize that’s what my shopping is.
Hi Carol – did you get your feelings back in the end? My fiance is the same as you minus the spending. He said he knows he loves me but cannot feel in love anymore.
I think most of those stories you don’t find happy ending because most of those who writes in here are asking for help and they kind like fresh like recently broke up.. I would say keep hoping and praying to god and if he is the one god will give him back to u but don’t forget to take care of urself and don’t be extra sad. its great opportunity to try the life of being single and also recommend to give them time to heal like 7 to 9 months and at then if they come back then good but use the no contact method. read about it.
Hi, I’m glad I found this thread. I don’t think my story is perhaps quite as extreme as most as a lot of these go as far as marriage. My story goes as far as 4 months. The first two began where I got to know a lovely girl. At the beginning I was not really looking for much and didn’t really care much what happened between us. At this point she was the exact opposite. She had asked me where I wanted it to go, indicating she wanted a relationship and also told a mutual friend of ours that she had never liked anyone as much as me. I had also found out that she was clinically depressed and that she had had it for 3-4 years (she’s 19, I’m 18). To be honest at the beginning I never showed much affection towards her and it was just her showing it towards me, complimenting me etc.
Eventually she grew on me and I actually started to really like her. So one morning I asked her what she had previously asked me. “Where do you want this to go?”. To my shock she said she did not know for two reasons: 1)that she felt that we were 2 different people and 2)that it may not be the best time due to her depression. So I took some time to think and I had realised that I had not actually fully opened up to her and was not very affectionate. I then told her that from here on out I was going to completely open up to her. I began to regularly compliment her and infact she was the first girl I’ve ever actually called beautiful.
This proved to work as a couple weeks later on Valentine’s Day, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I said yes and things shot off from there. We began to have sex and see each other quite a lot. We were always making future plans together and started to begin to use the word “love” towards each other which to her, I know I was a big deal.
Things were going great. Then she ended up getting a job which meant she worked a lot so I saw her a little less, however this was okay as she still made time for me. Then one night we had our friends round to drink and after they had all left we were pretty drunk so I asked her: “do you think you’re in love?”, to this she answered yes that she thought she was, and then asked me the same to which I said yes too. She then said to me that if I ever wanted to end it she’d be fine with it as she knew she was not like an ordinary girlfriend as I never saw her late night as she was always too exhausted or whatever. But I said no that I loved her and wouldn’t leave her. I then said to her that if she ever wanted to end it with me she could as it must not be easy having a boyfriend with depression. However she replied saying no that it was actually quite nice.
Less than a week went by where I received a text out of the blue saying “hey we need to talk tonight”. This of course to anyone would be alarming. So we did and she drove outside my house. As soon as I got in her car I knew where it was going. She just said she felt like a dick for doing this but that she wasn’t in the right place just now for a relationship. I was pretty upset as I had never truly loved anyone like I did her, infact this crushed me. However I said okay, no arguments and sent her a text after it saying that I’m here for her if she needs someone to talk to. She said that means so much and that she would love it if we could stay friends.
After this I found out that the 2 weeks after that, she had been in a constant low and infact one of the worst she’d had in a year. I wasn’t sure if this was to do this the breakup or not. Of course after the break up I was greatly confused as she had only told me that she was not in the right place. Then a few weeks later she told one of our friends that for 1)the majority influence was her depression and 2)a small part of it was that she felt she had to be someone else around me and it was too much for her with her depression, she told him specifically not to tell me this which confused me further. She also said that she still does like me and cares for me a lot and that if she never had depression she probably could have coped with it. However she said she didn’t thunk it would ever work. This hurt me a little as it felt that she just now saw me as any other friend after all we had been through.
So, after reading this I think I’ve gathered that she’s using the us being too different reason as an excuse because of her depression. And that she has perhaps just stopped enjoying the relationship as much due to it. Am I correct to assume this ? Or would you or anyone else reading this interpret something else of it ? I also do believe that if she never had depression I’d still be with her and she’d never have ended it. Thanks for any help or questions anyone has!
this is exactly me. I didn’t know I had depression. I just stopped feeling any love for my boyfriend whom I had loved dearly . h was my first boyfriend so I thought maybe it’s normal for love to just disappear. some days I loved him some days I didn’t at all. then I decided to end things half a year ago. only after was I diagnosed of major depression with psychotic features. now he’s gone and moved on and doesn’t want to see me ever again. I cry every night I have lost weight. now that I’m on meds my live for him is back full force. ????
Hi, I’m glad I found this thread. I don’t think my story is perhaps quite as extreme as most as a lot of these go as far as marriage. My story goes as far as 4 months. The first two began where I got to know a lovely girl. At the beginning I was not really looking for much and didn’t really care much what happened between us. At this point she was the exact opposite. She had asked me where I wanted it to go, indicating she wanted a relationship and also told a mutual friend of ours that she had never liked anyone as much as me. I had also found out that she was clinically depressed and that she had had it for 3-4 years (she’s 19, I’m 18). To be honest at the beginning I never showed much affection towards her and it was just her showing it towards me, complimenting me etc.
Eventually she grew on me and I actually started to really like her. So one morning I asked her what she had previously asked me. “Where do you want this to go?”. To my shock she said she did not know for two reasons: 1)that she felt that we were 2 different people and 2)that it may not be the best time due to her depression. So I took some time to think and I had realised that I had not actually fully opened up to her and was not very affectionate. I then told her that from here on out I was going to completely open up to her. I began to regularly compliment her and infact she was the first girl I’ve ever actually called beautiful.
This proved to work as a couple weeks later on Valentine’s Day, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I said yes and things shot off from there. We began to have sex and see each other quite a lot. We were always making future plans together and started to begin to use the word “love” towards each other which to her, I know I was a big deal.
Things were going great. Then she ended up getting a job which meant she worked a lot so I saw her a little less, however this was okay as she still made time for me. Then one night we had our friends round to drink and after they had all left we were pretty drunk so I asked her: “do you think you’re in love?”, to this she answered yes that she thought she was, and then asked me the same to which I said yes too. She then said to me that if I ever wanted to end it she’d be fine with it as she knew she was not like an ordinary girlfriend as I never saw her late night as she was always too exhausted or whatever. But I said no that I loved her and wouldn’t leave her. I then said to her that if she ever wanted to end it with me she could as it must not be easy having a boyfriend with depression. However she replied saying no that it was actually quite nice.
Less than a week went by where I received a text out of the blue saying “hey we need to talk tonight”. This of course to anyone would be alarming. So we did and she drove outside my house. As soon as I got in her car I knew where it was going. She just said she felt like a dick for doing this but that she wasn’t in the right place just now for a relationship. I was pretty upset as I had never truly loved anyone like I did her, infact this crushed me. However I said okay, no arguments and sent her a text after it saying that I’m here for her if she needs someone to talk to. She said that means so much and that she would love it if we could stay friends.
After this I found out that the 2 weeks after that, she had been in a constant low and infact one of the worst she’d had in a year. I wasn’t sure if this was to do this the breakup or not. Of course after the break up I was greatly confused as she had only told me that she was not in the right place. Then a few weeks later she told one of our friends that for 1)the majority influence was her depression and 2)a small part of it was that she felt she had to be someone else around me and it was too much for her with her depression, she told him specifically not to tell me this which confused me further. She also said that she still does like me and cares for me a lot and that if she never had depression she probably could have coped with it. However she said she didn’t thunk it would ever work. This hurt me a little as it felt that she just now saw me as any other friend after all we had been through.
So, after reading this I think I’ve gathered that she’s using the us being too different reason as an excuse because of her depression. And that she has perhaps just stopped enjoying the relationship as much due to it. Am I correct to assume this ? Or would you or anyone else reading this interpret something else of it ? I also do believe that if she never had depression I’d still be with her and she’d never have ended it. Thanks for any help or questions anyone has!
Oh yeah, also. Do you think she’ll ever realise she made a mistake ?
Hi there I have been with my husband for 16 years and have always done things together we have 2 boys and we have been so happy then out of the blue he has told me that he has never loved me and has just put a face on but I have never once felt rejection with him always love he says he loves me as our kids mother but not in love with me he’s tried and it’s never happened but we had a perfect marriage we never argue now he’s moving out and I don’t know if he means what he’s saying or if he’s depressed but he’s so layed back and honest and not the kind of person who stays with someone for 16 year and he’s not been doin his normal hobbies he sits on the couch at night on his phone hardly if ever watches TV anymore and has been working loads and staying up until 4am. I have asked him if he is depressed but he says he’s fine?? Am confused what to think or do to help if he is depressed to get him to realize it?
I’m going through this right now with my husband. 21 years together. I went through a severe depression/midlife crisis about 8 years ago. I was very heavily medicated and those medications caused horrible psychological side effects. I worked my way through things and I’m now on the other side, feeling stronger than ever and more stable then ever in the marriage. And BAM! My husband hits me with “I mourned our relationship back then when you were going through your stuff.” “Maybe I never felt the way I should have about you?” “I need to find the things that make me happy and feel whole.” “Every day I’m feeling better and every day I’m feeling more certain that the right decision for me is to not be married.” – I feel like I’m losing a part of my soul every time he says these things.
When we got married – for me it was forever. We spoke about this – as long as their was no abuse or untreated alcoholism, etc, we would fight for the marriage. I never expected to wake up one day, out of the blue and hear him suddenly declare – 20+ years later that it was all possibly optional to him.
I feel completely and totally lost in life right now. I’m trying desperately to remain positive and remain supportive. But, it’s difficult. He’s moved into the spare bedroom. We have 6 months left on this lease. We talk, but just barely. I’m really struggling. Ugh.
Hi, i am not really sure where to start but i am hoping to get some insight about how i have been feeling. i’m 25, i’ve been dating this wonderful guy for a a year and a half. i have been feeling very down since about November so about 4 months. i go back and forth with feeling for my boyfriend, am i forcing myself? or can i just not feel them because i am depressed. six months ago i was head over heels and love and now i can’t feel any love or happiness. i’ve been going to a therapist for a few months now and she feels that i’m looking for something to blame my depression on so bad that i’m making him the reason i feel this way. i haven’t felt happiness in so long and it’s heart breaking. i just started taking medication a week and a half ago. i just want to talk to someone who has felt this way and can relate to me. my friends don’t get it and it’s hard to explain it to people. i’m having a really rough time. my boyfriend has been nothing but supportive and it breaks my heart that i can’t even feel happy when i’m around him. i am also a teacher and i used to love my job more than anything and i know i still do but i can’t feel it, when my students tell me i’m the best teacher ever or that they love me it doesn’t even make me feel happy. i really hope someone can relate and help me get through this.
This is to somewhat extent what my husband is going through. He is cutting me out completely because he cannot cope with the way he feels. We are in separate beds! He is emotionally disconnected and feels no love for me, feels no sexual desire, feels nothing! He has lived with this Social Anxiety disorder for sooooo long and doesn’t know how to be any other. Everything is negative! Depression goes hand in hand with the disorder but he has gone through anger, denial and my fault. He too is on anti depressants and has been for two and a half months and also the therapy. Depression can take a long time to come out of. My thoughts are with you and possibly need to ask the doctor for a referral form for therapy. They can get you through this and help you address any underlying conditions. Your boyfriend loves you, keep trying to think of positives. Go for walks and exercise if possible. Regards, Christine.
thank you, that means a lot. i try and stay positive but it’s so hard for me. i just get so frustrated and try so hard to feel something! it’s just crazy how everything just changed in one night. my boyfriend knows how i’m feeling and he keeps saying that i need to stay positive and you don’t just fall out of love over night. i agree with him but now that it’s been four months i question myself more. i know it’s depression and not him but everything leads me back to him cause he was the one person that made me so happy and now i can’t feel happy no matter what he does for me. it sucks. i hope your husband gets through it too and that the therapy helps him
Hi Sam – what happened in the end? Did the feelings come back?
hi- yes they did with therapy and some medication i felt a lot better. i am not off the medication and we recently got married and are happier than ever 🙂
Hi , im 23 and I’m going through the same thing you are . Just like you I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2 year everything was great. me and my boyfriend were making plans to get married but starting This new year, I started feeling like you empty, alone, sad , I even had suicidal thoughts and even questioned my sexuality. I didn’t even know I had depression until I went to the doctor because I felt like I was losing my mind, he gave me antidepressants but didn’t work , I’m also going to therapy and it kind of helps. I’m not cured , I’m still battling it , but I do feel a little better than before , unfortunately I still have doubts of my love for my boyfriend and it kills me and I’m as confused as you. We all feel lonely and often misunderstood. If you ever need help or have no one to talk to you can email me: Aguileraadriana22 [at] gmail [dot] com
My depression recently just kicked back. Short before that i met the most wonderful man on this planet. Since my depression makes me so dull, numb, constantly frustrated when around people i started to feel like falling out of love. I struggle in my head. He’s the most caring and loving person i’ve ever met and since our relationship is so stable it gives me no high emotional stimualation that i seek (as written in the article). I’d love to love him, i don’t want anybody else and the idea of loosing him kills me, but on the other hand being with someone who i am not in love with is killing me as well…. I feel guilty for not loving him as much as he loves me, but i just don’t want to loose him, i know i won’t ever find anybody like him
Are you taking any medications? has it made you feel any better?
M also goibg through d same condition..i lvd him so much 2 d extent i could do anythng having him by my side…nd i knw very well it wasn’t any infatuatn atrctn…..but now i hv gone numb…not only hv i fallen out in lv wid him…but also m nt abl 2 feel aanythng 4 any1 or for any aspct of my lyf…i dont want 2 lose him..cz i kmw he is prfct4 me..nd he lvs me..we r d prfct match…nd i wil nvr fynd any1 nd i dont want 2..i feel so guilty…i dont knw wat 2 do…can any1 sugest some soln plz…..????????
I’m in your exact position!! ugh this is terrible. I don’t know what to do… is it him or my depression? I don’t want to be near him, it angers me but when he leaves I bawl?
Hi Sam. Your story literally sums up my current situation right now it’s scary how much I can relate to it even down to our age. I would love to know how you’re doing now and if you have made any progress.
Hi Nicole! I am doing okay. not 100% but definately better than i was. if you would like to email me i’d be happy to hear about your situation and try and help the best i can. my email is- samanthaj.vanderveer [at] gmail [dot] com
Hi, my husband has just been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, which he has obviously had since very young. We have all, family, friends, work colleagues always thought he was just quiet, shy but towards the end of 2016, pressure of work, myself having depression through the menopause, all has come to a head. He also now has depression and once again ‘escaped’ to another woman. No sex, just the excitement of a new ‘relationship’ to escape to. This happened after 6 yrs of marriage and now 19 yrs on, once again it has happened, only this time WORSE!
It is EMOTIONAL TORTURE!
The loss of feelings for me, the emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness! BUT, I will not give up on him!!! All his life he has suffered with this torment of anxiety, never letting on, keeping it all bottled up, not wanting to be found out.
Didn’t see it coming AGAIN! My husband has no friends as such, neither of us are social animals, quite private. I always seem to get a sense but a couple of months after he has ‘took up’ with another woman. Usually another woman who is unhappy, vulnerable themselves. I have to battle and eventually he comes out with it!
The thing is with today’s technology, it’s a cheaters paradise.
I am a loving and caring person and can forgive.
We are now both having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I hope and pray, we get through this again. They do not ask to have disorders or depression, they are ill. My marriage vows were; In Sickness and in Health, for Better or for Worse and after 25 yrs of marriage, 3 daughters, (2 from my first marriage) and 3 grandchildren, I will NOT give up, my LOVE is STRONG but you do have to be VERY STRONG MINDED! Very battered and bruised but still in there battling!
Thank you for sharing this. How did your story end? Are you happier now when a year has passed? Did you find back to each other?
I just need some insight.
I was just recently broken up with the day before my birthday….which also happens to be the day before Valentine’s Day….I know, lucky me.
Back story: We met online about 6 months ago and “officially” dated 4 months.
We had a plan to go out with some of my friends for my birthday, he even confirmed that morning he would be over around 8 that night. I then get a text around 630pm that he’s not going to be able to make it because he’s having bad anxiety. Mind you, this would be the third time he’s sketched out on me last minute. Then I get a text saying he doesn’t want to break up over a text. So, I do what any person would do…I call to get some answers. He refuses to pick on my calls and says he can’t talk and will talk to me the next day. Then the next day rolls around and he still won’t answer me and just saying “I’ll call you later.” Essentially he left me in a cruel limbo for 24hrs. When he finally called, the call lasted exactly one minute and he said he hasn’t felt anything for me in a while. Within 2 minutes after the phone call his relationship status was changed and all our pictures were deleted. I don’t understand…he was just over for a week staying the night but waits until the night before my birthday.
I was completely blind sighted. He lives at home and stayed me with frequently. Before this happened he stayed over for a week and only left that Friday because I had a girls night planned that night. He was planning my birthday and Valentine’s Day, we had just booked a hotel for a weekend vacation the next month….absolutely no signs that he was feeling that way….he was even still calling me every day on his way to work and texting me good morning.
The only red flag was he has a past of drinking issues and depression and anxiety and he had told me his drinking was getting out of control and he didn’t feel himself. I told him we could just stay in for my birthday and I would stop drinking with him, I don’t live to drink so it’s not a huge sacrifice.
I told him I need the key to my apt back and he needs to get his stuff. He’s wanting to wait until the weekend when I’m home to get it. He has a key and gets off 3hrs before me…and my apt is close to both of our works. Why drag it out instead of leaving after work, get your shit, and leave the key under that mat. Is it just some cruel game???
Side note,he hadn’t dated anyone in 3 years before me and broke up with the last one on Valentine’s Day.
The next day I got a text from his best friend who hadn’t talked to either of us yet and just knew about the break up from Facebook. Without telling him what he said, he started saying things like maybe it’s just anxiety over where the relationship is going and so on.
I trying to believe the latter, and believe that he meant what he said about not feeling anything for me for a while and I guess he just chose to string me along for a while. I think trying to think it was something other than that is unhealthy for me but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know it’s still fresh and I’m still trying to rationalize. He hasn’t dated in 3 years until me, still lives at home at 28. He has well more than enough money in savings for a down payment for a house but in the 6 months we were together, he would talk about it but every time I mentioned let’s go look, he would make an excuse. There were also red flags from the beginning, he technically bailed on our first date without a word, it took a month of speaking before ever asking me on a date, and he bailed last minute twice on dinner with my friends before….one of those times he said we were moving too fast so out of consideration I took a step back and within a day he was telling me he missed me. Am I missing something here?
I can’t give any answers but I can relate to you… I was with my boyfriend for 6 months and he had only just got out of a long, hard 5 year relationship… things moved really quickly and I felt like I had met my best friend and soul mate and he would say the same! We would spend every single day together, and had so many plans! His dad passed away just before Christmas, it wasn’t sudden and I was there for him through out it all! Spent Christmas Day with him and went to his dads funeral, he said to me he wouldn’t of been able to get through it if it wasn’t for me! When he found out about his dad he didn’t cry, and he hasn’t cried yet, even at the funeral! I know he has a lot of stress in his life at the moment, as he was living with his dad and step mum and since his dad has gone she has been a cow and it’s clear she wants him gone. Also his ex was in prison when he first met for stabbing him! And he found out 2 weeks ago that she isn’t going back to prison (she’s been out since the end of September and hasn’t made things easy for us at all) he did go back to her a few times but each time said it wasn’t the same as what we have and I’m the first girl that he’s ever went back to. About a week ago he has broken up with me and just has said he doesn’t know what love is, he doesn’t know how he feels, it’s not the same anymore! But he still says he cares about me and still speaks to me everyday! He says he thinks he’s depressed but he’s not the kind of man who talks about his feelings! So he opened up to me a lot… I love him and care about him so much, we had such an amazing future to look forward to and so many plans! He doesn’t even go out with his friends anymore, and blames me for losing them, which is an utter lie! He doesn’t have any sex drive, he’s barely eating or going to the gym, he can’t even watch films the whole way through anymore! I just don’t know what to do! I love him so much and I don’t want to give up but he says he doesn’t need anybody and he wants to be alone!
Thank you for reading!
How did things work out for you? My ex sounds so much like this. He hasn’t dated anyone in 5 years before me. I met his parents right away and everything was great. We are both in school but older. He’s 31 and I’m 27. I graduated last month, turned 28 and received a new job. He ended it right before all of this and only ever experienced a red flag when I asked him to come to my graduation. He sounded hesitant. He gave me a lot of cliche reasons for why we had to break up but the one he repeated was his “feelings changed” and the relationship “has become an obligation” I’m so heartbroken because I didn’t see this coming, he never talked to me about anything.
Thank you for this article. My husband (we’ve been married for 15 years and together 22 years) announced out of the blue-3 weeks ago that he feels nothing for me. Up to this point,we had been really happy-no signs whatsoever-lots of sex/laughing,daily texts and hugs to show how much he loved me-I feel like my whole world has fallen in. He won’t discuss anything and just keeps repeating “you can’t make yourself feel it”. I have handled it badly to start and pleaded with him not to be so silly and throw everything away. Prior to this,we have had a very stressful 6 months with our teenage daughter-not coming home on time/messy room/playing up at school and things have got nasty and she has hit me on more than one occassion-my husband has refused to discipline her throughout so we have had words about this. He said it has all got too much. He keeps saying the house stresses him out-so I have told him to leave if that is what he needs-he has not gone and continues to come home from work,eat the food I’ve cooked and ignore me. He still sleeps in the same bed-it is unbearable.
We have had sex a couple of times during this but I have now locked down and cannot take anymore. He refuse’s to go to the doctor’s, I bought him some St John’s Wort-he has taken 1. I’ve bought him books on the black dog-I am at a loss what to do.
I have had a couple of episodes of this during our time together-he seems to go in a very black mood-he has admitted he is in a dark place and I cannot reach him. When he is coming out of it-he starts to act odd-trying to get my attention and eventually will cry and say I’m sorry I don’t know what I’m doing-and then is fine.he has carried on going to work and to the gym during this latest episode. When he was 11 years old-his favourite brother died at the age of 17 from liver cancer -it was very sudden. His mum told me years ago that he goes in himself and after his brothers death did not speak for weeks. I think it must be a coping mechanism.
I was texting him daily to say I loved him-but have stopped now. I also stay out if his way as I feel I stress him out although I’m not doing anything. Things have improved with my daughter-I’ve limited her phone use and tried a different approach. My heart is completely broken-but I cannot take much more. I work 50+ hours per week and do all the cooking,cleaning and washing as well as all the bills. I am at breaking point. From Monday,I have started to ignore him completely and he is now trying to get my attention-if I’m sat in a room,he will keep coming in and put and audibly sighing. This is so hard, all I want to do is help him and hold him. How do you get through this when the person will not get help? Home is unbearable-he will not leave, will not talk about anything. I can’t leave as I have my daughter and I am trying to stabilise her right now.what do I do?
Hi Lisa,
I know you feel alone. I think we all do because our situations are so unique. But all of us in this comment section share the suffering behind depression. And I want you to know that you’re amazingly strong. I’m only a 20 year old that probably doesn’t have as much wisdom as you, but I can tell you that I do understand the pain. Of course, there’s a certain level where our experiences are so unique that it’s hard to not feel alone, but I can tell you that I feel your pain. Reading your story is heart-breaking and I mean it when I say that you’re an inspiration based on how you’re coping with this. Again, I have no experience with having kids or being married so I’ll give you the best advice I could possibly give. And that is: follow your heart. At the end of the day, after all the pain, deep deep inside of you, what is it that you feel? That is the key to finding the answer to the very question that you’re asking of: “what do I do?”. Anybody can tell you their opinions and sway you to do one thing or another, but I advise you to steer clear of other’s bias and listen to YOUR heart. If, by any chance, your heart is telling you to stay and fight through it, then listen. If you follow your heart, whether things turn out the way you wish or if they turn out another way, you won’t be left with as much regret compared to if you ignored your heart. If you ignored your true feelings, your future might have a lot of “what if’s”. So my one and only piece of advice is to listen to what you feel deep down within yourself. And no, your true feelings may not be going along the “softest path”, but remember that by enduring the pain, we can attain what we seek. I have someone I love that is suffering with depression, and long story-short, although my experiences have been excruciating, I’ve realized that deep down, I want to keep fighting for my loved one. I want to keep walking on needles and thorns in hopes of attaining my goal. It’s worth it for me. So at the end of the day, look within yourself for the answer, and if you’re a woman of faith by any chance, also seek the answer from the higher power. Best of wishes to you.
Thank you so much for your reply. You are so right and my heart is telling me to fight. Everything is still the same but if he was so desperate to go-you leave don’t you? I hope your situation improvez. Take care xxx
You are very welcome! You’re not alone. No matter how unique a situation may be. And I’m glad that you’re listening to what you feel deep down! You got this! And that’s a good point. I will say that be careful with turning that positive thought into an overly powerful thought. When dealing with depressed people, it’s best to balance positive hopes with a tiny bit of a “not-so-great” outcome. That way, it won’t be too painful and unbearable if things go in the opposite direction. But that’s just my advice. Honestly, I’m glad you’re staying positive. I am too. Funny that you replied today because I just got back from seeing my loved one. I followed my heart and bought a ticket to go surprise-visit him! I was judged for taking a trip just for him but I did it anyway. I’m so glad I persevered because it was worth it! I’m not sure if things will actually improve between us any time soon but it’s slowly getting better. So don’t stop following your heart, it’s the best option! I hope you’re doing better and hope things improve for you as well!
Hello Lisa I am in much the same situation as you I feel your pain ,my partner did the same to me in October on holiday ,it was un bearable ,still is,we once had such a wonderful relationship but he is now cold,sad ,angry , hurtful I am only just learning to cope,I think I am in shock still reading the posts helps me and I have started a daily diary for myself really as to how I feel and this helps as it gets things off my chest,my partner refuses to let me tell anyone and will not go to GP ,I feel that’s selfish off him .I an trying to live one day at a time and dare not talk or think about our future -we once had such wonderful plans!!!???? take care of yourself you not alone x Debbie x
Hi, Thanks for your kind words. Things are getting back to normal. My husband “broke”on 2nd Jan. I’d had enough of his meaness and nastiness all throughout christmas and told him to leave-I threw all his stuff out-and him. I had lots of tears that he though this is what he wanted but he didn’t. He is doing CBT daily and meditates which is helping him a lot. He is very certain that this will not happen again but I have said that we need to be able to recognise the signs and if he feels he is returning to his dark place -to talk to me. There is hope x
Thank you for this article and to all of the stories shared in the comments section. It has been so encouraging for me. I am the partner who was in denial that she is depressed. Yesterday, after feeling a complete loss of connection with my partner overnight despite there being nothing wrong in our relationship, I knew something wasn’t right. I started to tear up reading the first line of this article because I could already tell it was speaking to me. It’s a strange feeling – I can see that I’ve had depressive symptoms for a long time but now fully acknowledging it is a new thing.
I hope to communicate this to my loving partner and move forward with our commitment. This site has given me some strength and determination.
I feel the same. Thursday I was head over heels for my boyfriend, and I have been for two months. Then recently, I woke up feeling nothing towards him or anything. It scares me so much to the point where I sob. He is such a good person, and I want to love him again. I’m scared and I need advice please.
My husband left me two years ago this month. We were happily married for 20 years. He even said that 18 of those years were near perfect. Our divorce was final August 2015. He initiated everything. In 2009 he lost his job a job he thought he would work till the day he died. From the time of his job loss he became extremely depressed and withdrew from me little by little. In addition to his job loss due to medical reasons he lost his father ,a close friend also died and experienced the loss of a club he was in. I had been asking him for a while what was wrong because I could tell something was happening. His response was always nothing is wrong. He was Drew from me and would not talk to me about anything he was experiencing. I brought up seeking help and he did but I truly believe he never really dealt with what happened to him and all the losses that he experienced. He no longer felt complete in our relationship and started to communicate with another woman from his past. I believe that him seeking this relationship was in his mine away to be whole again and to feel good about himself. So he left me divorced me move in with her left me and his family. To my surprise 7 months later he communicated with me and when he came back to town he came over to visit me. We spent every day for a week seeing each other. In this timeframe he expressed to me that he wanted to come back and to start to see me again and to go to counseling. He did that after two months he came home. We went to one marriage counseling session that was something that he wanted to do. But after about a week I could tell that he was reverting back to being distant and quiet with me. I approached him and asked him what was wrong. I New that it was because his feelings did not come back like he thought. He told me that he did not feel a spark, that in his mind he thought he would come home and that his feelings for me would all come back and it would be easy for us to get back to the way it was. I told him that it had been almost 2 years since we were apart and that we needed to get to know each other again. I asked him to just please take one day at a time and to not give up. I realize now that he is running away again like he has in the past. And he is continuing to search for his peace and joy through other relationships. I was so hopeful when he came back because I never thought he would. He does not think clearly regarding relationships and is trying to seek what he needs through other people and relationships. My heart continues to break for us and what we had. I know we can never go back but I thought that him coming back to me eas what he really wanted. He has moved out of town again and has no contact with me. I hope that one day he will realize that he has to be well with himself before he can be in any kind of a a meaningful relationship and that he gets the help that he needs.
Hi Theresa,
I would say “I’m sorry” but honestly I know that it isn’t enough. Im dealing with the loss of a relationship as well and it’s extremely painful. I’m still friends with my ex and I still talk to him but he’s this completely different person. He’s cold and doesn’t care about anything. I would keep going but honestly I want to focus on how I can relate to you and that you’re not alone. Although things can’t go back, they do move forward. One thing has ended but there’s new beginnings. I do not want to give you false hopes, but I will say that just because your relationship went down that way doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild in case he decides to come back one day. I only say that in case he does come back. Anyway, I hope things get better for you. Best of wishes.
Hi Teresa – how are things now? I am going through the same thing 🙁
It’s been somewhat comforting to read comments on this site to realize that I am not alone in my situation, however, that does not it any less heartbreaking or tragic.
On April 9, my sweet, loving husband of 7 years gave me the shock of my life when he told me that he had filed for a divorce the day before because he had been unhappy for about a year. I thought that I had misunderstood him because I thought we had a good marriage. We always got along well and he had never, ever said anything about being unhappy. His reasons were very lame: he was overwhelmed because we had too much stuff, that I let my anxiety affect our vacations, and that I wasn’t “outdoorsy” enough. Everything was my fault.
For the next five weeks, we still lived together – we still slept in the same bed and he kept saying he loved me. But he had become like a total stranger. I would approach him about once a week and have long drawn-out conversations about whether he still wanted to divorce me or not. The answers were usually “I don’t know,” or “Not right now”. He admitted he struggled with this decision and his mind changed constantly. He knew his mind was not functioning properly. On several different occasions, it would seem as though we had reconciled and he was going to cancel the divorce, but then several days later he would go back in divorce mode. It was an emotional roller coaster for me. His reasons for wanting a divorce got more extreme. He told me that he was afraid he was developing a mental illness and he thought that I would commit him. Then a couple of days later he told me that he “just can’t” stay with me because he blamed me for his kids not ever coming around, and if he didn’t divorce me, they never would. After that cruel conversation on May 12, I thought we were done for good.
Then, miraculously, the next afternoon on Friday the 13th, he called to tell me that he had left a message for his attorney to hold off on the divorce so we could try to reconcile. I was so happy and relieved. The next six weeks were filled with happiness (but caution) for me. I did everything I could to try to fix everything that was making him unhappy. We had a lot more sex, we both got our hormones treated, we were planning some upgrades to our home, and we had even booked a trip to Las Vegas in August. Sounds like everything was cool, huh? Oh, no.
Last Saturday, June 25, he bought some land behind my back and plans to build a new house on his own. He told me that he’s still unhappy even though I had fixed everything he said that was making him unhappy. He said he really can’t tell me why he’s divorcing me and that he still loves me. All he could say was he hates our house now (which he built), he wants to be free to go do things by himself, and he just doesn’t want to be married anymore. I told him that his unhappiness is coming from within himself, and if he doesn’t get professional help, he will continue to have failed relationships. He said he doesn’t think he can be helped, which is a total cop-out.
So, for this past week, I have turned into a basketcase again. My despair, fear, and anger have all returned two-fold because this time there is no negotiation with him. He cannot be reasoned with. He is totally shut-off emotionally. He’s moved into another room and we barely speak to each other. He’s out spending all sorts of money on his new house and storages.
I came across this article about anhedonia yesterday, and it describes my husband to a ‘T’. He is running away from me because he thinks I am the problem. His high level of stimulation is cross-fit—he has become obsessed with that for the past year (which coincidentally is how long he said he’s been unhappy). He works out at this ridiculously more high-intensity than most cross-fit place 4-5X a week. He’s 49 years old and he comes home totally exhausted from it. His escape into a new life is his new house. I think he hates our house now because his kids are grown and don’t come around so he wants to just build a new house altogether that don’t have memories of them.
My husband has deep-seeded childhood trauma that he won’t address. He’s been on Citalopram for 10 years from his PCP for “sleep problems” but I think he needs another Rx from mental health professional after a psyche evaluation. His behavior patterns are disturbing. He makes drastic decisions behind my back but yet continues normal life and playing house with me for days like nothing has changed.
He’s the type who refuses to seek help…he’s going to totally focus on building his new house. He’s going to throw away a perfectly good, formerly very happy marriage…not to mention destroy my life. 🙁 Unless something drastic affects his psyche soon, we will be unnecessarily divorced in a couple of months. I’m trying so hard to give this all to God to take care of because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, but this man has been the most important thing in my life for almost 10 years so I don’t know what I am going to do without him.
What ever happened with you and him?
Ive been with this guy for 18 years on and off we have 3 boys a 12 year old and twins 15 hes very abusive physical in the past and mainly mental hes threw stuff screaming calling me nasty names and all this was done in front of our boys which they have started to treat me like he has and still has he steals from everyplace we go he steals my dons pills and mine I want him to go but he wont leave what do I do
You need to consult a lawyer to find out how to safely remove yourself and your children from this situation. You may need a restraining order in place before filing for separation or divorce. Your children and you should begin therapy immediately to address the trauma you have all been living with.
This hits very close to home but I’m still not sure what to do. Me and my husband got married about 2 years ago. Before the marriage we were nearly perfect. He would bring me flowers every time he’d come over. He’d send me the cutest texts saying how much he loved me and how happy he was God brought us together. Then shortly after the wedding it all went down hill. He’d tell me how he resented the marriage, if i wanted a hug i had to ask for it, he became so numb to the point that i would cry myself to sleep and he’d just turn around as if nothing was going on. His solution to this issue is to get a divorce. He always says he wants to get away but doesn’t know where he wants to go. He was such a different person when we were engaged and he just flipped 180. He is now seeing a therapist but i feel like he’s just getting worse. is there hope? Do i just need to be patient? Not being biased but he truly is an amazing person, but he’s just not himself anymore. I don’t want to give up but I’m 23 and I’ve lived with this for 2 years so far, how much longer do i have to wait?
My husband did the same. We’re 6 years into the marriage now and things have gotten mildly better but his same destructive pattern keep coming back despite medication and therapy. In moments of clarity he understands that his thinking is distorted, but then he gives in to it again and suddenly I’m to blame for all his problems and I’m intolerable to be around. We decided to have a child during one of his good periods because I naively thought he was cured of his depression, but as soon as she was born he spiraled out of control and became emotionally abusive. The last 3 years have been so painful. I regret ever meeting him.
If he’s insisting on a divorce, I wouldn’t fight it. If he’s just threatening divorce and not following through, consider separating. Living with a depressed spouse can drag your own mental health through the mud. Give yourself time to gain perspective and decide what you really want, what behaviors you can live with, what he needs to do in order to heal your relationship. Stand up for your needs and set healthy boundaries.
I’ve been in love with a man with depression for years and it’s not going past the friends with benefits stage because I darent put any pressure on him or tell him how I really feel . I’m scared to death of scaring him off but love him deeply. It’s getting so hard to carry on with a brave face and pretend I’m always ok.
Really not sure what to do! Can’t see myself with anyone else and don’t want to give up on him
Jenny,
I just happened upon your comment and it could have been written by me 30+ years ago. My freshman year in college I met a a man who I was so smitten with. This was before the expression “friends with benefits.” He was the first man I had sex with. We dated off and on during most of my time in college. He dropped out of school after his freshman year, to the consternation of his parents who were both well regarded professors. I had no concept of depression at the time.
I never demanded anything of him for I was afraid, or insecure enough, to think that might scare him off. So he came in and out of my life when it suited him. There was never anyone else, but I don’t think he ever said, “I love you.”
I dated others in college and then moved to California. We still kept in contact, but it was clear to me that he was incapable of having a real relationship. I married in 1977 and last saw this man, who I considered to be my true love, a year later when I was back visiting.
Fast forward to 2007. I googled his name which is the same as his father’s. I see his father’s obituary and then beneath that I see. He died. No details.
I put a picture of him with a shot of whiskey on top of our Day of the Dead alter that year. But, not knowing how he died bothered me.
Five weeks ago, I finally emailed his sister, who is a psychiatrist. I explained that I wanted to know how he’d lived and died.
She emailed that he’d killed himself. She said that anyone who knew him well wouldn’t be surprised, but I was. When I knew him, depression was never talked about. I just thought he was distant and brooding. He was 48 years old when he shot himself and his father who he admired greatly had died 9 months earlier.
His sister said he was cursed with the family’s mental illness genes. I didn’t have a clue, but had he called me for help, I would have been on the next plane.
I’ve spent the last three weeks researching more about depression, as I realize he was suffering from depression when I first met him.
His sister said at his memorial, the same themes emerged. He was so smart, he was distant, he was loving.
As much as I mourn his death, I know that had I stayed with him, my life would have been so different.
He never married. He had no children. I’ve been married now for 39 years and have two adult sons. I love my husband. He makes me laugh and we make a good team. So as much as I fantasize about what might have been with this man, I know, in reality, that it was never meant to be. As his sister wrote to me, “He gave what he could.” But again, the depression made it impossible for him to be fully there.
I loved this man unconditionally, but on some level, I knew he wasn’t capable of returning this. I am now grateful that I saw this and moved on.
Jan, I read your comment months ago and come back again and again – it could be written by myself in 30 years and it has given me a lot of comfort, but also sadness.
I am in my mid twenties and have been seeing this guy on and off for 3 years. He comes into my life when it suits him, and while I realize he is an “imcomplete” person due to his depression, I love and care for him unconditionally.
I know this might be unorthodox, but I would love to get in touch with you and hear more about how you felt and your opinion in hindsight. If not, I would like to thank you for your words – they have helped me so much.
I hope this comment reaches you.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is a designer and has his own company. We live near his parents’ place. I’m really close to all of his parents, younger siblings, employees, aunts, uncles and friends. I can pretty much say the first year was fun and happy. It was a healthy relationship. Not until early this year, he had so many projects in line. So he was really busy. When I leave for work, he is still sleeping and when I come home, he is still working. Since early this year, we stopped spending quality time together. He says he is working hard for our future and I get that. Just last February, I lost our baby at 2 months. I was really lonely. He was too but I didn’t know who to talk to at that time except him. But he couldn’t be there for me. He works a lot. He wakes up early and sleeps really late. He is very hands on with his work. Just last month, he failed to present some of the projects. He got depressed. He wasn’t as happy anymore. He felt really bad. He couldn’t accept the failure. Out of 15 projects, 3 came late but all industrial design students passed. It was his first time to experience that and he put all the blame on me. He thinks it was all my fault. Just because I was demanding for his time when I was going through post-failed pregnancy stress. I left the country with family for 10 days. His messages are so sad to read because it’s always so depressing and negative. I tried to be patient so many times when he texts me long ass messages that ends up ruining my mood. When I wasn’t in the country, we haven’t been messaging each other that much. He didn’t even pick me up the airport when I got back yesterday. He said he has been visiting the psychiatrist and the Dr. said I’m the cause of his depression and that he needs to keep his distance first. I just feel that it’s so unfair. Because he is the one who keeps going out, drinking the night away etc…. I can’t feel the love right now. I feel so alone in this relationship right now. I love him and deep inside I know that if I keep my distance as well, he will miss me. I’m aware I’m not always loving, I have my ups and my downs, I’m a sarcastic person and he could be sensitive. Although we can lay down and just laugh like silly kids. I know I love him. We are off age and I only see myself with him in the future. I just don’t know what to do now. He also used meth while working on his projects. He binged use. I know he doesn’t use it anymore now. That’s how much he loves his work. He is willing to do something that bad just to get it all done because halfway, he lost 2 of his employees because they had to leave the country to work. Does it have something to do with the after effects of the drug he used? Should I blame myself? What should I do? Should I love him more now and show him that I’m here for him or should I just prioritize myself and let it go first? With the wishful thinking that he comes back to me or should I let it go completely? There’s this voice saying we are meant for each other. My family loves him as well. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I myself could be depressed too. But I’m not blaming him for anything.
I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!!!! 😀 😀 😀 i mean, i know this is a HORRIBLE loopwhole kind of thing and that it makes us feel terrible, but i most honestly say that, reading all of these comments just gave me some strenght to fight for this relationship. I read the comments and in every comment i find something to feel related to!!!!
The first comment i see reads “i feel scared to be near my bf… i miss him badly too… (…) i feel like my obsession have caused me to feel this way i am scared to do anything” DAMN!! right on!!!!!
The thing is i am not really sure of what happened to me… i was fine! we were fine! We had been dating for about 3 months, and suddenly, one weekend, it all crushed down to pieces and i somehow convinced myself that he didnt love me and i cried and cried and cried non-stop for 2 days so i called him to kind of blame him for something, he told me it seemed like i was just making excuses to break up with him, but we talked and solved everything that day; but after that, the thought of “yeah, maybe he is right and i am just making excuses” cause i had already wondered the same thing myself. That happened one month ago, and since then, i just went into a dissatisfaction kind of whole feeling annoyed by some tiny regular things he did that are actually not things to be bothered by, and i became extremely sensitive and even when he said to me things like “i love you” it would make me burst into tears. So…. i started wondering and wondering and wondering what the hell was wrong with me and why was i so sensitive about everything, so i came to the conclusion that i should maybe just break it up cause all of these thoughts were driving me crazy. So, finally, last week on Monday… i seriously broke down crying in despair and asking reassurance from other people, asking them “but i love him, don’t i???? do i really love him? i really do, don’t i???” because it hurt so horribly bad to think i didnt love him anymore, which led me to thinking maybe i didnt love him to begin with… but i eventually calmed down and, by Friday, that i was more cold headed, i decided i just neeeded some time by myself, hang out with my friends or something… so again, it made me wonder “so why do i feel like running from him? should i want to want to be with him if i am supposed to be in love with him? then why am i looking for someone else to comfort me?” so it started driviing me crazier D: but i went out with my friends and calmed down, but somehow, it also made me keep doubting “:O! maybe i dont want to be with him anymore and i want to be single again!!!” :O but i knew i didnt want to… somehow, i know it. And on Sunday, i decided to face him, but i was SOOOOOOO SCARED of seeing him and that at the moment i saw him i was going to confirm all the things i was feeling and thinking, that maybe indeed i didnt love him. But i saw him… and my heart moved <3 and we talked and i kind of explained what i was feeling, i said i didnt know what the crying was about, but that i needed to let him know i DO want to be with him. He said he felt that i was a bit obsessed with him, but that he is so in love with me, that he just wants to help me, so that i shouldnt run away from him.
But now, everytime i get a text from him, or a call or something, i am so scared of what feelings it is going to provoque in me. I am so scared that suddenly when i see him, hear him or something, i will feel nothing. But then, when i am apart from him, all i feel is confusion cause i keep wondering why i fear this things? so i keep thinking that breaking up would be the best… so i am in a merry go roun here…
I got a therapist last week, cause i need myself back, i need my life back, i need to be able to love him in healthy way again. I can do this, but i am also scared it is going to take time and i wont be able to hold it until i get out of this and i will ruin my relationship and hurt him before i get there. Cause like someone in another comment said, i feel i can't truly love him for bits, but i do feel that i care for him. I am so going crazy. Help, please.
If anyone has any advice, i would very much appreciate it <3!! Thank you for reading me!
Hey I’ve been going through a similar thing but for a longer period of time.
3 months in I knew I wanted to marry him. 5 months in I thought I had fallen out of love.
It took another 7 months to break up for the first time.
We took about 3 weeks apart. By that I mean I went on holiday to a different country, so I wasn’t seeing him every day. In that time I was still messaging him pretty much every day though.
Should we have not had any contact at all? I don’t think it would have made a difference.
I was still plagued by that thought that “if I could just see him after a break it would be black and white. My heart or intuition (whatever it is for you) will tell me then and there.
When I initially broke up with him I felt a a sick mix of relief, guilt, pain, loss and like a weight had been lifted.
That’s why it was so confusing to know if it was the right thing. If it was the right thing, why does it hurt this bad?
Ultimately we ended up back together when I came back. We talked, and I felt more connected to him than I had in months. Looking back on that and after having read the above article I think that it was because my feeling threshold is so high. So because sadness was piercing and we were experiencing it together, I felt united, whole again. For a short while.
But that feeling dwindled. Then about every 6 months thereafter (for the past three years) I’ve gone through a period of about 2-4 weeks deciding whether to break up. Sometimes I do. But each time he tells me it will be the last time. That he can’t take it anymore. This ultimately scares me into saying sorry and that it’s all my fault.
Except the last time. I tortured myself so much that I just couldn’t bare my own pain anymore. I figure his pain of me breaking up with him will not be as bad as the fear, confusion and doubt that I have experienced for seemingly the past four years.
So I ended it. For more than a day this time. Two days to be exact.
Again I felt the relief wash over me. But the guilt of hurting him and the sadness of losing a best friend too.
I stayed at a girlfriend’s house for two nights.
On the third day he asked if we could meet up. He just wanted to chat and wanted to see if I wanted the same thing.
We spoke. He told me he got into his Masters of Education and that he’d been stressed all year about it. That’s why he was working so much which subsequently affected our intimate time together. This isn’t a sexual euphemism by the way. I mean that intimate time where you are both present, just kiss or hold each other or look into each others eyes.
I’ve since learned that my inability to feel love to various degrees is caused by several things:
– anhedonia caused by my diagnosed anxiety and depression
– anhedonia caused by my abandonment issues (fear to feel anything for fear of it being taken away)
– different kissing styles
– his borderline workaholic work ethic
– both our inabilities to relax and just be with each other at different times
– his constant need to be on his phone
– my constant need for approval
– little things every couple who lives together experiences like leaving dishes in the sink or not putting away clothes
So I know it’s not all my fault. And he knows and accepts this too. I’ve learned that “love” isn’t a feeling you either have or don’t. It’s like chemistry, relationships, all that stuff. There’s things that we do together that help solidify that bond. Grow that love stronger. Some couples have to work harder at it than others.
Looking back I would have broken up with him after 5 months. Not because I don’t or didn’t love him. Not because I wish we weren’t together now. But because I could have potentially saved myself from four years of misery and confusion.
But who I was then is not the strong person I am now. I needed him and he needed me.
And who’s to say I wouldn’t have experienced the same thing with other people?
Having chosen to stay, regardless of what I thought was my intuition and what other people told me I know that I have chosen to love this person. That it is my choice and my choice alone. And that’s quite empowering.
I’m not letting my illness beat me, nor my past. I’m learning to live with them and manage the symptoms.
It’s really hard, particularly finding out I am also prone to Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder as at least once a month I have those doubts. But what helps is remembering that warm feeling I once had when we would do the things that no longer give me joy now. I also wrote a list of all the times I could remember feeling that tingly love sensation. Like him holding me from behind while we play mario kart together, or a particular long, passionate kiss.
I’m constantly adding to the list. Any time I have doubts I look at it and it helps me feel at least a little better.
I think Love is two people actively working together to improve their relationship, themselves and each other. And when one person stops trying, that’s why people say to leave. And most people do, instead of talking and trying to work through their differences.
My last piece of advice is this: You are stronger than you think. You will be able to hold out until you figure this out. I did and we’re still together four and a half years later. Whether it’s the fear of being alone or the fear of loving him but not knowing, you will make it through.
I chose a really painful road. But I also learned a lot.
I choose not to believe that I have fallen out of love. Somedays it works, others not so much. I’m still working out how influenced I have been by pop culture.
As long as he wants to keep trying, you should too. And if it all becomes too much and too hard, just weigh up what you are going to lose. Is it worth losing someone you may love, to lose the pain and suffering you are going through too?
Most people say yes. But most people don’t have my understanding of love and how to try.
I’m still figuring it out myself. What I’m willing to give up in order to gain.
Hi, I really like the message you give in your story. Is there any way I can talk to you more about it? Can I give you my social media? Or do you have any other form of communication? I would really appreciate it because someone I really care about is in the same position you are in. Please let me know if you’re interested in talking more. Thanks.
I am going trough the same thing, I really would like to talk to you. Can I get in touch with you via social media?
Hi M. I find myself on the opposite side of your situation. I’m the one dating someone who is feeling how you feel. I wanted to ask you something if that’s okay with you. But first I’m going to provide a little background info (anyone else who wants to give me advice is welcome to). I can’t say that my “used-to-be-boyfriend” is identical to you, but I still somehow find comfort in reading your comment because I get insight to how he might feel. But I just wanted to share with you how things look on your boyfriend’s side. It’s super painful. For me, since my boyfriend broke up with me because of his anhedonia, I’ve almost become a regular person to him. I’m not sure if he’s struggling what you’re struggling through about “do I love them or not” but I kind of wish he was but only because he’s the person I fell hard for. We almost reached three months like you and your boyfriend, but before we could get there he started going down. When we broke up I asked him if he still loved me deep down and I got no response. I guess that could be good or bad right? And then I at one point asked him if he wanted to love me again/be with me again. He said that he’d like to but that he wasn’t sure of the future. I don’t know. I feel so lost. It’s like one day I feel hopeful and other days he makes me think there’s no hope. I would go on because there’s a lot of important details I left out, but I didn’t want to keep anyone here that long. I would really appreciate it if I could keep talking to you about this. So my question was: do you think physically seeing my boyfriend again might trigger something like it did for you? Do you think it’d help him see how he feels about me. I’m not a stuck up person who thinks that he does. But before this depression changed him, he was so loving. I have faith he’s still in there. So do you think that physically seeing each other again would help him see things better? Thanks for your time. If you have any other better ways for contact, please let me know. Thanks.
Would love to know how you’re doing now. I just experienced this after 3 months in the same position as you so I’m a bit lost.
Hi C,
I’m really sorry that you share a similar story to mine. I would never wish this on anyone. To keep things updated, I got to see my ex a few months ago and it really did make things seem better. He was obviously still depressed and hated himself, but he showed me so much love. Actions mean more than words. And he constantly embraced me and showed me he cared. That experience helped to keep my light of hope burning bright. I suffer from depression myself so I know that things aren’t easy. Exactly why I’m not quitting on him because I always wished throughout my life that someone would see beyond my depression. So C, I would say, follow your heart. That’s the simplest, truest thing. Don’t hurt yourself but also do not lie to yourself. Be true to your heart and do what you feel. But of course only act when you know it’s right. Never act when you feel frustrated or angry. It always leads to regret. I’m telling you this because recently, things have gotten real bad between me and my loved one, and he’s disconnected from me completely. I decided to go visit him in December to confront this distance between us. Any average person would think I’m crazy. But if you’re really in a similar situation like I am, maybe you’ll understand what I mean when I say that when you follow your heart, you lose your mind in the eyes of others. If you have any other questions, you’re welcome to ask 🙂 best of wishes C!
In January I asked my husband of 10years to leave as he was behaving strange and disappearing off out a lot I thought he was cheating on me. I found out 2weeks later that he wasn’t but was severely depressed. I apologized profusely and since then we have been in contact going out for dinner as a couple. Kissing cuddling and had sex a few times. Last week he asked if he could stay over. It went well and we were intimate.2days later he asked if he could stay again and has stayed all week. But there is no intimacy now at all. I told him I know he doesn’t feel like sex which is fine but a kiss or cuddle would be nice.he managed this for 1day and now nothing again.
A friend said to me that maybe he has never really wanted any intimacy throughout all of this but did so wen we were separated to let me know he still wanted me to wait for him and no he’s back he doesn’t feel he needs to force himself to be intimate with me now. What do you guys think
I am not depressed but my boyfriend is and we have been living with a long term relationship for a few months now. Ever since he left school and now lives at home, he has been very depressed and hopeless about life. I thought it would go away after a few weeks and he would be used to living at home again, but its only gotten worse. Within the past few weeks he has opened up to me and admitted that he doesnt care about anything, including me. We talk on the phone every night and he used to always ask me about my day and show interest in my life, and we would have normal conversation, but now he doesnt speak; usually we end up arguing about things he instigates. He tells me that he loves me but doesnt care about me or my life, and he picks fights with me and takes out all his anger on me. I want to support him and stick with him until his depression passes, but he refuses to get help and I dont know how much longer I can support someone who doesnt support me. I understand love is selfless, and I would do anything for him and I love him but I am getting no love in return and it hurts so bad. I’m pretty much just venting but I havent talked to anyone about it so I thought writing here might help. If anyone has any advice I would love it.
I am going through the exact same thing. My boyfriend used to express his love for me very clearly and now he can’t show ANY sign of affection or love and has told me that he simply had sex with me and touched me in activities like holding hands because he knew I wanted it. But he never wanted it. He has told me that he doesn’t want to get married to me or have a baby ever. Which are things we talked about just weeks ago. He has also said things like he should never have started dating me and so on. It is very very painful. He can’t even talk to me properly anymore and can’t stand to touch me. I still love him very much, and he’s started with antidepressants and therapy. Is there even a grain of chance that he’ll ever love me again and be able to express it? This is so difficult.
My former partner of ten years left me suddenly on my birthday last month, and had been increasingly cold and distant. We lived apart, but were close physically right before the breakup. Now he’s been largely silent for over three weeks. I read these threads to see if anyone has ever come back from that. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt and it’s unabating. I don’t want to trouble him with contact so I’ve just stayed silent but the silence is killing me too. I don’t understand how he could go from totally in love to totally silent in a few days.
Looking back, he began showing signs of a major depressive episode in July. I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid I’ll never see him or hear his voice again. I wake up crying all the time.
Hi Jules, I’m going through the EXACT same thing as you. I would really appreciate it if you could answer back so we could talk about it somehow. Thank you.
I’ve been feeling like I no longer love my boyfriend this happened 5 months ago when we where watching movies and he fell asleep and a few minutes later out of the nowhere I felt like I didn’t love him, at first I didn’t know what was wrong with me I thought I really didn’t love him I told him all about this he was as confused as I was .Few days later I wouldn’t get hungry so I wouldn’t eat nothing,as soon as I woke up I felt bored, everyone would annoy me, I was always in a bad mood,I would cry all the time. I feel really bad ,I feel like I don’t love him but I know I do because I remember how things would be a few months before this and I loved him.I’ve been to a therapist but just started going last week. And I think I feel worst, because everything anyone says I think about. I just want to be happy again and want my life back????
Oh my God!! This is ME!!! It’s EXACTLY the same! I, suddenly, one day, said “oh my God, i don’t love him anymore, or maybe i never did!! ㅠㅠ” but i know i do!! Cause when i’m with him, he is just perfect! And the way i feel when i’m with him! It’s just right!! ♡ but when i’m far from him (we live 3 hours apart) my mind goes back to “what if i don’t love him?” mood D: and i’m going crazy!! It has been about a month since the doubts started, and just last week, i fell into this horrible depression + anxiety hole so i finally realized this was not sane and that i needed help, so i’m seing a therapist now, just started last week,too. And that “event” last week just left me completely exhausted and now i’m sooo afraid of hurtig him and the relationship, cause i feel like i am deceiving him. Like you said, i just want everything to go back to normal!!! I don’t want to feel this anymore!! ㅠㅠ
But i am so afraid of telling him what is going on inside of me, i mean, he knows i’m not feeling good and something is wrong with my mind lately, but i haven’t been able to say that i frequently think i don’t want to be with him anymore whenever we are apart. 🙁
Give me back my life 🙁
My ex husband was diagnosed with depression and anadonia. His therapist had told him not to make any major decisions. My ex refuses to take medication and has started drinking again. His therapist also told him if we divorced, we’d either end up great friends or back together. During this time he had asked me to remarry him, met the love of his life, and asked for a divorce. I fought to save my married, and during the course of a year, he was back and forth about staying in our 23 marriage. I love this man more than anything and we’ve been through a lot in our marriage. I would take him back with no hesitation. I’m wondering if he will come back in time, if I give him space? I know he’s dating the other woman and I’m heart broken. I believe we belong together and I’m a forgiving person. I just want him to come home.
I am so thankful that I found this site. I was panicking and wondering why when I feel depressed do I want my husband to go away. We have been married for 14 years and have 4 young children. I question if I love him when I am in a depression. This has happened to me probably 6 times throughout our marriage and I have to stop myself from doing anything stupid. I wonder if separating from him would solve all of my problems and make me better, when rationally I know that it would break my kids’ hearts and just make things worse. I would not want my husband with anyone else and I would miss him. It is terrifying how your mind plays such evil tricks on you. I am so glad I am not alone.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now. I have dysthymia (mild but chronic depression) that will evolve into a major depressive episode one or two times a year, usually just for a couple weeks at a time. Whenever it happens, I feel like I don’t love my girlfriend anymore. Spending time with her, which is usually the part of my day that I most look forward to, suddenly feels like a chore. Tiny annoyances that I’d typically overlook or even find endearing suddenly feel like cause for ending the relationship. Even things like the way she smells makes me recoil. Three weeks ago I’d been thinking about the fact that I’m happier in our relationship than I’ve ever been, and I can’t wait to move in with her. And then the depression struck and I’m nagged constantly by this feeling that I should break up with her.
For me, the appeal of breaking up isn’t that I expect to find something exciting outside the relationship. I’m self-aware enough to know, at least, that my depression will follow me wherever I go. Depression and anxiety are just a killer combo because they’re so good at creating a false reality. Suddenly it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been together or what I felt like as little as three weeks ago. In my head it’s like, “You’re only happy because you were ignoring your problems up until now. The depression is the window into how you truly feel. All of your effort to maintain this relationship is the result of cowardice.”
No matter how many times I go through this (and this is the 4th time in two years), it feels real and it feels terrifying every time. If I weren’t so good at trusting my past feelings and making a quick recovery, we’d never have made it this far. She’s always been patient with me and willing to hear me out, even on one of the many occasions I’ve had to be honest and tell her, “I just don’t love you right now.”
Good luck to anyone else dealing with this right now. I’ve tried a few different meds over the years to keep these episodes at bay, with mixed results. My biggest recommendation for anyone dealing with anhedonia is exercise (aerobic, 30 minutes a day, every day you’re feeling sad). It’s really hard to get yourself to do it, but it always quickens my recovery, and when I can achieve an endorphin rush, it’s exactly the hope that I need to keep myself trying.
I’m the girl with a depressive boyfriend and I always get confused about how he acts. We’ve been together on and off for 8 months and I still can’t decipher what truly is happening. I do try, but the intimacy deprivation makes me blow up at times then I feel bad. I want to help him but he rarely wants to talk. I know it’s depression, but my own needs sometimes get in the way to fully understand him. I love him a lot. I want him to confide in me and have our relationship as a safe place instead of stress source. How can I support him in a way that I can help him instead of stress him out?
Thank you for sharing this. I have just fallen into a major depression and, though I love my fiancee, I am suddenly questioning everything about our relationship.
Am I really happy with him? Is this really the person I am supposed to marry? How do I know that I haven’t just been ‘going with the flow’ so I won’t be alone forever?
I am terrified that the feelings I have for him won’t return once I get treatment as I don’t want to lose him – I WANT to love him but right now I just…can’t. I can’t find joy in anything and it feels like I will always feel this way. I admit this is the first time it’s happened and my first experience with Anhedonia but it’s something I would never wish on my worst enemy. How do you stick it out? How do you know your feelings will return in time?
This sounds a lot like my ex. We were together for 4 years. He’d talked about dealing with depression in the past and contemplating suicide. He said that finding me made him want to live again. There were times he went through these episodes that seemed manic but he never sought treatment.
Last year in January after moving twice and starting a new job he started drinking excessively. He would drink all day on the weekend without eating and barely sleeping. He would talk constantly jumping from one subject to the next. His behavior became erratic and he would say disturbing things.
It was trying for me but I stuck by him. I love him.
In May when he was staying overnight at my house my street flooded and his car was destroyed. A week later he decided he wanted to break up. We ended up staying together but things were different. He refused to come to my house. He would yell at me for every little thing to the point that I was always walking on eggshells, afraid to set him off. Whereas before I was this wonderful person, now I was a worthless loser that screwed everything up.
In September, a week after our 4 year anniversary, he sent me several texts to me one night and the next morning saying it was over, he didn’t love me, he hated my guts, he liked being mean to me and so on. Later though he would say he loved me and missed me. At this point he would only talk to me when he was drinking and when I asked him why he said he was depressed when he was sober.
Around Christmas we were seeing each other and talking about working things out. He had made new friends at the bar he hangs out at. He said he liked his job now and the place he moved to. He loved spending more time with his family and the new people he was hanging out with. It made me feel like I was the lowest thing on his list. It was very hurtful.
While has was telling me that he loved me, didn’t want anyone else and that we were both figuring things out, I felt like he was using me to ease his transition into this new life.
I didn’t hear from all week and it was Christmas Eve. I got drunk and sent him a bunch of angry texts. He texted me the next day that he wanted me in his life but not romantically and also a crude comment about having had sex with me for the last time.
When I asked him to elaborate he said later.
Later I texted apologizing for the things I said and wished him a happy holiday. He texted saying thanks, you as well.
We have had no contact whatsoever since then. It’s been three weeks. I felt like I needed to distance myself from him for awhile for my own sanity. I have no idea what’s going on with him. I know I shouldn’t think about it but I do all the time. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I cry all the time.
We were really happy at one time. I miss the person he was before. I miss what we once had. It hurts to think that means nothing to him now. Will he ever regret the way he’s treated me, the decision he made to end a four year relationship with someone who really knows and loves him? A decision he made while his mind was poisoned by depression and alcohol? Or will his new bar buddies be enough to replace me and be done with me forever?
My wife walked out for the third time this year a week before christmas. We’ve been together 3 years nearly and married for just over a year. I’m still only just learning about depression and its effects on her but for the last 3 months our relationship appeared to be going pretty well. That said, for the previous 2 years i didn’t take the time to learn or try and understand what she was going through and we fought like cat and dog often.
However there has aways been a lot of love between us and a desire to work at the marriage. but now she has walked out again, and has cut all ties. she doesn’t reply or respond to any messages and I’m at the stage where I’m trying to give her some time and space.
We had no fight or argument prior to her leaving, just a cross text from me saying i wanted our marriage to be more like a marriage as she spends most of the week living at her daughters.
The thing is that a lot that I’ve been reading points to her having a crash and wanting to escape. Too much pressure from me, anxiety to my reactions, the constant having to explain how she feels etc..these are the reasons she’s cited for walking away again. It almost seems like I’ve tried to care and understand too much but my frustrations at living apart and not feeling like we have a marriage have pushed her over the edge.
So, as it stands, she’s left, she won’t respond to me, i fear that she’s gone for good, and i’m doing everything i can to keep telling myself that all of it is the depression and that she does love me but just needs time and space.
What confuses this compassionate slant towards what she’s going through is seeing her on Facebook out smiling, laughing, having fun at Christmas with her friends while i sit almost broken being ignored and thrown away like a bit of rubbish.
I love my wife with every inch of my heart and would never abandon her, but i texted ‘i love you” today (boxing day) just in case she was having a low day, and almost feel like she’s sitting there laughing at me, probably at her ex husbands house with their grown up children which is where she said she was going to be on Christmas Day. Do I give up and let her go, or do i persevere and continue to try and salvage my marriage whilst learning as much as i can about depression?
And is this behaviour even depression at all or just someone who wants out of the relationship? i will say that up until literally the day she walked out she was loving, and talking about the future, and christmas together and although i knew she was finding things difficult with the depression there was no hint that she was anything other than as in love with me as i am with her. This is why her total abandonment is so confusing. Any ideas from anyone would be really gratefully appreciated.
Good Morning;
I am walking the same pain , with the same reactions from my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend . depression is very complicated , the love of my life is lost right now and the idea of cannot help him to have his pain left away from him is killing me slowly .
I love this man very much, I also send him texts and emails but he don’t reply , he told me to leave him alone but the more I read everybody say do not leave them alone . stay from the distant but stay close of them and show them how much they mean for us.
its very very hard . also I have learn they go from anger to rage very easy , but anger is good if they can express it out. I told to my love if he need to put all his anger on me I will put my body there if that will help him . I want to hug him so much , I wish he knew this isn’t for him to comeback to a relationship with me , is to show him how much I love him and that we will be ok , and that he isn’t alone . I don’t think anybody else know he is depress , he put a face on him . but I know him more than he think I do. he is my soulmate and I still under all that anger ,I still see him in the center of all that nightmare claiming out , step by step , he will find a way . don’t left yet. she needs you