When depression takes over your partner, you’re likely to go through an emotional waterboarding, a torture you have to escape. You may feel overwhelmed, confused, helpless to do anything. You take the brunt of the punishing anger or indifference that is all your partner can give you.
The relationship that means the most to you feels like it’s breaking fast. What can you do to keep yourself together?
There are thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities.
The members of one of the oldest of the online forums, Depression Fallout, report over and over again that the support of such groups has been a mainstay for dealing with their depressed partners. Communities like these might be a good starting point for you as well.
Here are 10 ideas drawn from the experience of people who have had to live with depressed partners as well as from my own experience as a depressed partner.
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Take care of yourself as well as you can. When depression strikes and you find yourself living with a distant stranger, it’s only natural to focus first on your partner. You’re likely shocked and confused and want to bring back the familiar loving person you know. But it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and gradually undermine the health and inner balance you need to get through the crisis. The obstacles are huge since your partner is right there and depression is now part of your life. It’s important to keep your own life going, get out of the hothouse as often as you can and spend time on the things that most help you relax.
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Get help. There’s so much stress in living with depression that you should reach out for support. Perhaps you have caring friends you trust enough to confide in, or can find a support group, online communities, perhaps individual counseling, . That’s the critical first step. And keep on getting their help. You need regular support because the injury doesn’t stop until depression does.
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It’s not your fault. Depression is the cause of the problem, not you. Nothing you’ve done could have brought on the ugly transformation of your partner – whatever accusations they might throw at you. Nor is it possible for you to fix the illness. Depression is complicated, not fully understood, and has multiple causes. No one really knows how to cure it. You may be able to help your partner get the right kind of help, but they need to commit to the work of recovery and stay with it.
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Learn about depression and how pervasive an impact it can have. That will prepare you to recognize the many ways it can distort your partner’s behavior. You should realize, though, that what you’re learning is just a small part of an evolving field of research. It’s easy to jump to conclusions about exactly what’s wrong and what can be done about it. Consulting a mental health professional is a good way to get further insight into your partner’s illness.
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Offer love and support without trying to be directive. Suggest it might be helpful – but pushing it, demanding that he get help in certain ways or learn what you’ve been learning won’t work. Tell him you’re trying to figure out what all the changes in the relationship have been about – and will be there to help as much as you can.
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Depression can control you both. Be aware of the danger that you can easily be drawn into the same vortex that’s spinning your partner around. Anne Sheffield describes it as Depression Fallout. Michael Yapko writes that Depression Is Contagious. It’s common to develop your own illness as a result of living with a depressed person. That’s why it’s so important to get all the help you can and to watch your emotional and physical state.
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Break the Cycle. One way to keep from being dependent on your partner’s moods is to look closely at your reactions to each of them. What are the worst, most painful moments for you – the ones that trigger your most intense feelings? What does your partner do to set you off? What is the feeling that wells up in you – anger, fear, hopelessness? And what do you do in response – meet attack for attack, hold your feelings in, leave? How do you feel about your own reactions afterward? It can help to track these reactions on paper at first to help you recognize the triggering events. That tactic could make it easier to interrupt your usual reaction, restore a sense of emotional independence and break the cycle that’s hurting you in so many ways.
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Be tolerant of yourself. You probably can’t stop the emotional rollercoaster all at once or persuade your partner to get help or take perfect care of yourself. Expecting too much too soon can only lead to more frustration and reduced self-esteem. You already have enough of those to deal with.
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You Can’t Go Back. Try to remember that the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
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They’re responsible for getting help. (edited 12/20/2013) Depression may be the underlying problem, but that fact doesn’t take away responsibility for destructive behavior. This is a difficult subject to talk about, and I do so from the perspective of someone who inflicted pain on his family during bouts of depression. When feeling better, I might well say something like: it was depression driving me to say and do those things. It’s not about you – don’t take it personally. But of course it’s personal. I was constantly leaving my wife and kids out of my awareness and often spoke and acted abusively. The anger, attacks, threats to leave and emotional withdrawal are as personal as it gets in a relationship. It’s especially important, then, to set boundaries. Depressed partners have to know when you can’t take anymore, or they cross a line that can’t be crossed. Remind them about what’s at stake and what you are really feeling. A depressed person is ill, yes, and probably wouldn’t choose to act hurtfully when well, so simple blaming is not appropriate. But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me, and it was a powerful wake-up call that got me back into treatment after a long period of denying the problem, despite my long history of depression.
Hi everyone!
I need help w/ dealing with my depressed partner.
I have and still do have depression. I actively fight it, and set myself behavioral plans etc. I am in school and don’t have insurance that covers mental health so I don’t see a therapist right now. Additionally I have been dealing with a little bit of PTSD from a family trauma 3 years ago. My brother has Schizophrenia and tried to stab our mother to death with a kitchen knife. I stopped it. Needless to say it has had a significant impact. I moved away about 2 1/2 years ago so I could focus on myself and just take care of me for a little while. Best decision I ever made. I went back to school, made schedules, made behavioral plans, begin exercising, setting habits, stopped judging myself, stopped letting self worth be attached to what others thought, stopped avoidant behaviors, became aware of the warning signs, developed a course of action for every warning sign, didn’t try to hide it (was honest with myself and others), internalized “a lapse is not a collapse,” and for the first time in my life put myself and what I wanted out of life first. Of course the depression, anxiety, and PTSD were still a big part of my life, but they no longer controlled my life. For the first time in my adult life hope began to creep back into my life. It is the most amazing feeling. I get a little better at the administrative tasks of life month by month. When they got the better of me for a while it didn’t result in a spiral. I just told myself a lapse is not a collapse. My recovery time was quicker and quicker. I received enough music scholarships to fund my music therapy degree. My GPA was consistently around a 3.7. Some days everything seemed lke the Hoover Dam, but I powered through using behavioral plans.
About a little over a year ago I met my current partner. I literally told her/warned about it right off the bat. I told her about the day I had decided that I wanted more out of life, and set about taking the steps to make it happen. I told her about how I was learning to make space for and live with my depression and anxiety. I told her that despite the years of anti depressants my mental health had ruled my entire adult life (4 of which were compounded by dealing with/caring for my non compliant schizophrenic brother). That the decisions I made to change aspects of my day to day life – moving to a city that had both culture and nature, behavioral plans, exercise, hiking gardening, biking for transportation, scheduling, and basically deciding to love myself to invest in me – are the only thing that have ever provided actual relief and the emergence of hope, or at least a glimmer of it, as an actual feeling from time to time. I didn’t pretend to be anything other than I was/am. I was/am ok with my daily struggle with mental health. I had promised to stop being ashamed of who I was and part of that was not hiding it. It wasn’t broadcasting it to the world, but being open about it in an intimate romantic relationship was definitely going to have to be part of it. So as I said I didn’t do what I (and I think most people do) had always done and pretend I was different/hide it from people when starting relationships. She said she was more than OK with that. She actually really appreciated it.
After a few months together it became clear that she suffered/had suffered from depression. She wasn’t an emotionally happy and paragon of mental health. The more time we spent together I realized that she smoked weed all day everyday as a way to deal with it. She has a great career working for apple from home AKA she isn’t your typical stoner so you don’t realize how much she smokes until you spend days at a time together. She finally told me about her depression. She told me how she a taken prozac for a time years ago, but that it made her feel awful. I also realized she had a drinking problem. Whisky bottles everywhere.
Flash forward almost a year. We are still together. I love her. She is sober – for now. Her depression has compounded. She refuses to go to AA. She refuses to go see a counselor or try SSRIs. We have spent the majority of the past year talking about her doing those things. Taking the steps to get help. We have also begun fighting more. Sometimes it is about her getting help. Every time it turns into a huge fight/emotional inability for me to cope with things as they are, she starts to cry, say she will go seek help (she has fantastic insurance), that she i going to make lists, make behavioral plans, that she doesn’t want things to stay the way they are, etc. Then nothing changes. she talks about all the things she is going to change about herself. AND I always tell her to stop. Slow down. There is nothing wrong with who she is. She isn’t defective. She just needs to seek help, and to stop putting pressure on herself. AND then she always says yeah I know i need to see a counselor, but I also need to change things. For about a week she tries to implement all these changes, tells me she is looking up counselors, looking up times and locations of AA meetings and even sometimes calls a counselor to leave a message. She talks nonstop about what she is doing and going to do. Then her massive changes are of course to much to do all at once so she starts to let a few go and then within ever two weeks has completely thrown in the towel.
My mental health is starting to deteriorate, I am starting to feel trapped and helpless, I am starting to fall back into bad old habits, or more aptly non-habits, and I am starting to sink. I am starting to feel that emotional zap or suffocation around her that I felt around my family. It feels cold when I am with her. That feeling of mutual warmth or love is no longer there. When we are together I feel like I am around an emotional black hole. The effects are talking over my life and so many of my own warning signs or red flags AKA manifestations of my depression are back and it is all I can do to just keep myself from slipping back even further. I still logically know there is hope and that I can do it, but I haven’t felt hope in months that it is getting harder and harder to keep convincing myself that there is. I am scared and so sad.
I don’t know what to do?
I just told her that I am going to need more alone time and space to get done what I need to get done. She is OK with it, and thinks it is a good idea that I focus on my school work and we make plans to see each other on certain days. I am hoping that I can stabilize myself again, and then, now that I know her fully,
be able to help her as well. I guess I am thinking that this time around I won’t be blindsided by her depression and therefore be able to handle it better. Now that i know how it effects me I am thinking I can set up behavioral plans and use other internal supports to mitigate the effect it had on me this first time around. It another variable to work into the non scientific or mathematical equation of my life, accept now it is a known variable.
Do you think it could work?
Thank you,
Sheila
I’m learning you have to step back and let them figure it out. You can’t help her she needs to help herself
she must be a strong girl.why she is hurting herself because of known things.please trust your partner and don’t pay attention too much on your relationship .you will stress yourself
Hi guys,
Been with my fiancé for nearly 3 years, getting married June this year. Part of me wishes I wasn’t. Sounds awful but I’m sick of walking on egg shells with him. When we first got together, he was constantly laughing, smiling and being affectionate. Now he’s the opposite. We haven’t been intimate for over 6 months. I kept thinking he was cheating on me but in the recent months he had told me he suffers from depression.
His job takes its toll on him and his mum does drive him round the bend. I guess I can be a nagger too but I don’t mean to be. We had a big fight, nearly cancelling the whole wedding, which has been paid for, because Im sick of being the bad guy. He said he would go on medication if I wanted him to, but I’ve seen what that stuff can do and he was on them before we got together. He said they turned him into a zombie and it destroyed his last relationship. I don’t want him to go through that again. But he won’t see a therapist as he claims it’s a waste of time and money.
I have no idea what to do. Feel like I can’t win.
Loz,
If he is unwilling to see a therapist, then ask that he read books about depression, relationships, etc. They are inexpensive and are often written by psychologists and experts. He won’t want to, but he must. They are full of valuable information and useful help for his life. If he isn’t willing to do this, then I would begin to seriously reconsider marriage.
Also, the upcoming wedding could be stressing him out… financially, etc. and this might be making his condition worse.
I have been battling with the moodiness of my guy for many years… I know so well the whole walking on eggshells thing. (As I write this, I am in hour 3 of a car trip with him… We are not speaking. Ughh kill me.)
But lately I’ve changed my approach. More of a ruthless approach. I finally said “I understand depression is not your fault, but it is also not a life sentence. Just like diabetes or some other condition, it is YOUR job to control it. I am only willing to stay in this relationship if you are putting all of your effort DAILY into getting rid of this illness. I am here to help you, but if you stop trying, then I am not staying.”
He knows I am not kidding, I am not against leaving. You need to have the same mindset.
Don’t let the wedding sway your decision; weddings are cancelled all the time. Yes that is the worst case scenario, but one day is not worth a miserable life. Maybe give it a chance, but remember you’re never stuck. Divorce is always an option.
Thank you Katie for leaving that comment. I’m not engaged to my partner, but would like to be one day…but it has to be the girl I fell for and not this girl whose life is crippled by depression because of her lack of initiative to get help. She does not have insurance and I think that is the major roadblock to her getting help. Everything “overwhelms” her. I feel like I have to take on a mother’s role sometimes because she either doesn’t or can’t do basic things for herself. When I try to have these talks with her about the impact her depression has on me and us, she pulls the “you’re selfish, its not about you” card. She doesn’t see how very challenging this situation is on me bevause I don’t vent to friends or family because it’s a very personal and private matter. Simple things like cooking and cleaning the house get to be very tiring when you’re the only one putting forth effort, not to mention the resentment that creeps up after a year of living with a person crippled by their depression. Since I do have insurance I am thinking of proposing that we go to couples counseling under my insurance to get her foot in the therapy door. She’s been once or twice in the past but didn’t like the experience so didn’t go back. On good days, we can be affectionate and loving towards each other and it seems like there aren’t any major issues in our relationship but when she lapses she says very mean and offensive things to me and it’s like she pulls problems out of her butt that are news to me. I feel very at peace with myself, and when thigs are good, with my relationship. (i am medicated for anxiety/depression; therapist told me I didnt have a reason to keep going because her professional opinion was that I just have a chemical imbalance and needed a psychiatrist for medicine). I am going to try what you suggested for the other user. If you have any more advice, hit me with it, sister! Haha what doesn’t make this any easier is that my partner and I are both women on the brink of 30 so there are constant hormonal shifts if you can imagine..
Hi claire, i am exactly in the same situation than you, 2 women and I felt like I was holding the relationship and her depressive mind all together. She has been anxious depressive with alcohol issue since ethereal beginning, and it got worse to the point that she couldn’t spend a night without drinking and opening a bottle,would mean finishing it… by herself since I wouldn’t drink more than half a glass because of headaches. I watched her feeling worse and worse for no apparent reason than regular stress, she switched 3 times teams at work because it was never good, neither her relations with her colleagues. Like for you, she would have very loving moments when relaxed with me, in fact I’m sure i am the reason of all her happy moments these last 3 years but I got away for christmas and she couldn’t take holidays it got worse when she started with a new team and she broke up suddenly in a week asking to get all my stuff out or she would take it to good will, cancelling my plane ticket, saying she had talked that week with someone online, developed feelings and wouldnt even try to fix our 3 year relationship because she couldn’t wait to meet people she never met and talked to just few days.
My point is, if she doesn’t get the will to go to a psychatrist, there isn’t much hope for improvement at the contrary. I wish I had convinced her to do so before but the only time I mentioned therapy she said never.
You can to the depression fallout board if you want to discuss more.we were 2 women as well in our 30s too so believe me I undrstand. I feel like I’ve been used and that all my positiveness and positive energy have been sacked away from me, since many months before the break up.
Good luck!
Hi,
I am looking for some advice about my guy’s negativity. I have been dating the same guy on and off for 9 years. We’re great together but he cycles through moodiness and negative attitudes A LOT. I want us to travel, I want him to get excited about things, but everything I suggest is shot down. This negativity is really bringing me down. I feel stifled and sad. It often seems like he would be happiest if I left him alone at all times. I am familiar with what depression can do… but why does he seem so angry and negative? Is this here to stay? He has sought help before, but it almost feels like he expects pills or counseling to be a magic wand. It doesn’t seem like he understand that he has to put in the work. Is this worth staying in for the long haul?
Any help is greatly appreciated.
-Katie
Katie…I have the almost exact same situation with my boyfriend! I just don’t know what to do to fix it!
Katie,
I think he is angry and negative because he has no control over his situation. He probably feels guilty because he can’t give you what he thinks “you deserve.”
I’ve been with my now fiance for 4 years now, and that’s what he tells me. I’ve always been a positive person. I love doing things with him, but it doesn’t happen often. He’s also bipolar, but his depression seems to rule the roost.
I can’t tell you how many times he’s broken up with me. I used to freak out about it because I didn’t want to lose him. Then I realized there was a cycle to it. Every couple of months, he’d be depressed and detached for 2 weeks to a month.
It used to hurt. Now, I’ve just become numb to it. The last time he broke up with me was because “we have a communication problem” and “constant conflict” and because I “have a chip on my shoulder all the time” according to him. I was angry this last time because I’m tired of being punished for something I’ve not done.
I love him so much. He means the world to me. Even when he’s depressed, he’d do anything for anyone. I don’t want to give up because I think he’s worth the fight. But, I’m growing weary. After he gets through his bout of depression, he tells me to stop taking it personally. Well, that’s just impossible. That’s like me telling him to not be depressed. I’ve become an angrier person because of the depression and how helpless I feel.
I’ve decided to just take it one day at a time. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I am learning to be more secure with myself. I do my best to not feed into it, but sometimes he pushes the wrong buttons. I’m not guiltless though; I started pushing his buttons right back. I won’t do this forever. If we don’t find a way to deal with it, we’ll have to part ways. Until then, I’ll try to support him best I can. I will always love him.
Good luck with yours.
Hey Faith,
any update on your situation? I’m in a similar boat, and my girlfriend of 2 years dumped me yesterday for the 50th or 51st time – i’ve lost count at this point. she’s also torn up every sentimental thing i’ve ever given her for the second time in our relationship…so if we ever do get back together we will have nothing to show for our time together – pictures, cards, concert tickets..After a couple miserable days, there’s a few tears, a long tight hug and a kiss and we’re on the upswing for about a week. She said to me and her family back in November and its now April and nothing has changed. It doesn’t help that insurance company screwed her over and denied her coverage, so now she’s also dealing with the disappointment of knowing she can’t see a doctor unless she pays out of pocket. To me, if it was a priority she would adjust her budget accordingly, but when I ask questions or try to suggest things, she tells me it’s none of my business and I feel like a nagging mother instead of a loving girlfriend. Of course, when she says its not my business I feel my blood begin to boil. she honestly is so far gone that she either doesn’t see or doesn’t care that it has EVERYTHING to do with me and it is 1OO% my business because it affects me every hour of every day. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink…. This is the love of my life and now my future is up in the air because my partner is too fucking depressed to help herself. I’m exhausted and numb. I haven’t had an easy life, and watching someone be crippled by a heinous disease is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I feel so helpless and I’m assuming she does too, but there is nothing more I can do 🙁
How do you help some one who refuses to admit they need it .. I’m sad tonight after a huge row- cant really talk to anyone and my family lives on the other side of the world .. My partner clearly suffers depression – he drinks a lot more than he should to deal with it too. I’ve been putting up with dreadful angry temper tantrums for years now and he promised the last time I said I’d come home that his alcohol intake would decrease and the shouting/name calling fits of rage would stop – we now have a 7 month old and I cannot for a second entertain the idea of him witnessing or being subjected to my partner loosing his cool. Hes a good guy with a good heart but too stubborn to get help, or even admit that he could use some. I love him and i’m sure he loves me but I have to do something its really wearing me down. It seems like its always my fault things go wrong or he makes out I’m always moaning at him at night to get home to us.. when hes tired or hung over he understandably feels worse so i try get him home earlier when hes out drinking to prevent it – I’m not getting everything at home done – our baby’s not really sleeping at night and im not working – im at home with the baby so again that’s causing rows hes thinking i do nothing all day then moan at him. I just don’t know what to do – whats best for everyone especially our boy – I love them both but our sons happiness means everything to me so I guess I’m just wanting to know if anyone’s been in the same boat or if there’s any ways of getting someone to want to help themselves..
So.. My husband tends to go through a depression once or twice a year .. usually it only lasts for a couple of weeks. But, last time it lasted for almost 2 months. It always happens when we visit my family ( and definitely around the holidays) I don’t get to see my family very often because they live far away… and every time he goes with me to visit them I have to say, the trip is almost miserable. Everything started when our little girl was born almost three years ago. It is so frustrating because we are very affectionate to each other on a 24 hour basis. If he’s at work we text, if he’s at home constant contact, but when he is in this “silent mode” I feel like I’m being punished! usually I can handle it, but taking care of everything around the house including 24 /7 running around after a toddler and trying to keep her from being sad because daddy doesn’t offer attention just got to me last time. He has came out of it and is since back to his normal self… And this might be bad and I normally never talk about this stuff with anyone but last time I had had enough and had a few drinks and kissed someone… the bad part is I don’t feel bad and I feel like I have to keep this to myself because it might make him crazy again!
I so get where you are coming from. My post is the one below yours. I feel like I need someone for me. I have joined a dating site but then out of the blue, he’s back. He’s talking and he says he needs to be treated like glass. He is ill. Now I feel terrible. I haven’t put my picture on the date site I feel like a terrible wife. Well we are separated now but even that, he’s saying that were not? I can’t go on like you, not knowing whether I’m coming or going
I know what you are saying..I joined a dating site..just to help me with my hurt and loneliness. .but I feel guilty..like I’m cheating on him..though we haven’t been together since November. .we never talk..and he rarely answers my texts..and if he does..no emotion in them..and in the beginning he though I’d be the one to leave him..like he wasn’t good enough for me. .this is a sad and evil disease
I’ve been married for over 25yrs to my husband. I am 49 and have kids ages, 20,15 and 11. My parents always said to me and my husband that I was hard work. Suppose I felt so happy to meet my oh and have kids. I loved him so much. But bit by bit things are all gone. 16yrs ago he ran up card debt enough so that we had to double our mortgage hec even took out a loan in my name fraudulently. I sorted it but there were so many debts we couldn’t pay so we added it to our mortgage. He cried, said it wouldn’t happen again but blamed me cos he said, if I ask for holidays etc he has to provide Two years later he had ran up even more debt., again it was my fault. Even now he has c card debt and apparently his debts are none of my business. I try to talk to him but apparently I’m just moaning. My 15yr old loves his dad but I’m the problem, I cause the fights and upset his dad. My son failed his prelims. No one listens to me. I ask my husband to motivate our so. And now my son has ran up debt on jus ps4. I tried to tell my husband that my son wasn’t studying but oh no, I’m just a moaning bitch. Leave my son alone. Then another bill came in for over £200. My son ran up more debt on his phone. His dad wouldn’t take his phone from him. My son wouldn’t give me his phone. I had to fight a 15yrnold to get a phone from him via my husband wouldn’t take it from him. My husband doesn’t do any talking or confrontation. I’m at my wits end. I don’t want my11yr old to be like my other son. My 15yr old acts like my husband, sitting around, going nothing. No sport and hecwont read anything. I’m banging my head off a brick wall. Thank god I read this page today cos I’m depressed now too. He is dragging us all down but I’ve no one to help. My husband isn’t the man I married. I took off my wedding ring two weeks ago this upsets my 11yrbold. Help.
Hi Alison
lets start with the first question, who is running up the debt & who is trying to control it? Is there blame shifting onto you – & you’re the moaning bitch because you can see the problems that living beyond your means can bring? ie someone is blaming the dying canary in the coal mine. The problem with depressed people is that they are so compulsive / driven. They love spending money to make themselves feel good- it’s a quick fix with long consequences. I’m in that position at the moment. My wife has blown twice my annual wage in the last year from inheritances. Now we’re a month behind in mortgage payments. Depressed people can take you right to the very edge financially, emotionally & probably in every other way. This really imprisons me – why I’m reading this article – looking for answers. If you want to stay in the relationship, you have to become apathetic & very religeous (hope isn’t going to come from anywhere else). The question is whether you can go thru the consequences of leaving – notably suicide or the consequences of their out of kilter behaviour becoming even more reckless. However, think of the long term effects on your children if they imitate your dysfunctional relationship (which is what it sounds like it has become – & don’t think that I’m not the kettle calling the cauldron black. I learnt to look after a depressive after looking after my mother after my parents marriage broke down. This was naive, depressives say give some support & I’ll be fine. One more drink & I’ll stop in the morning). My suggestion is to split everything at least for a short time to prove to him where the problems are. This is easy to say, but you need to run separate finances – I didn’t to my detriment. The split may show up to him where the problems are & should start as a temporary thing – eg looking after Aunt Mary in her terminal years – until she goes into a home. Naive kindness truly is a trip to hell. Depressives need professional help. I believe they should be institutionalised to force a regimen into them.
I have sent a reply. I hope it gets added on. I replied to your comment on yahoo mail Thanks Jeremy. If it doesn’t get added I’ll leave another later on after work today x
Hi Alison
I haven’t received your email response & would really like to see it. Think my original email was rather brutal – written at a time when my wife is forcing me into bankruptcy.
Cheers
Jeremy
Hi Jeremy my oh has been back this last week but I’ve had enough. After he said he’d rather separate in February, I agreed. He now sleeps in my sins bunk bed. He isn’t happy about this and quite often tries to move back. I booked London for April but he wanted to come, I didn’t want him to come. My 15yrnold said he wouldn’t come unless my oh did. So I agreed but sleeping arrangements will have to be altered. Perhaps my youngest sleeping between us. Not ideal tho for a good nights sleep. Same in the summer. It’s my daughters 21st and I wanted to book for 3 but he really wants to come. I am trying. I have joined a dating site , which isn’t great and I dread anyone finding out. I mean he’s still doing stupid things like, spending 600£ on a c card for his company but when they pay him he put it into our account. How does that help his debt? It’s just so depressing. I know he has about £30,000 again. I’ve asked him to get help but he just says he will bi suspect he doesn’t. More debt. I really feel for you in your situation. Is that what I’ve got to look forward to? What state are you both in now?
Hi Alison
sounds like it would be so much easier without kids – issues get compounded. You want to bring the kids as well as you can despite the adversities. This gets all the harder when you’re struggling to hold yourself together. My marriage has been distant for 20 years & utterly platonic.. The problem is that that division also makes solving problems harder. Your situation sounds multilayered & intertwined – because the fundamental problem leads to your OH wasting money, then there is the issue of the kids – their security & wanting to bring them up as well as you can, your OH chasing you & your ability to withstand the stress.Things were most stressful for me when the kids were at school & during early University. I used to literally count down the years. However, I mainly survived by dissociating & living just in the moment. Dissociating is when you treat yourself as a puppeteer & your body as a puppet doing all the grungy work. Living in the moment is just that because I didn’t have the strength to think in a wider time span than that. Oddly enough, both are recommended these days – see the psychology books on mindfulness or Eckhard Tolle’s book “The power Of Now”. The other thing is focusing just on the most basic / most important issues – which for me was bringing up my kids. I’ll tell you what I’d do with your OH – I described it in another post. I’d go to the doctor & explain the situation, then ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. GO to the psychiatrist a few times, then tell the OH that the psychiatrist wants to hear his side of the story. This would be the trap to get him onto medication & into treatment. You may qualify to see a psychiatrist for your own stress & depression. The problem with this plan could be doctors wanting to fob you off & sending you to psychologists. I have found the quality of referred psychologists to be poor – which I have not appreciated when I’m exposing my raw emotions & want solutions. Actually, the person I have found most helpful is a young, unqualified woman whose family are alcoholics – we relate to each others’ raw emotions – why I like this web site too. In your case, you really want to set your OH up with a psychiatrist for the medication. The reasoning will come a bit later (hopefully).
Something else, I tried to do better for my kids than my parents did for me. I’d imagine we all do this, but is this reasonable? – circumstances change.At least you’re on the right side of the parenting cycle, even if you’re too up to your eyeballs to realise that.
Hope this helps
Hey guys. These posts on here are truly heart felt and I completely understand because I have been diagnosed depression since I can remember. The trick of it is trying to mentally stay on a straight track and talk to others that is truly the only way you can fight it as I have done in the past. When I’m feeling really bad i go see and doctor and get medication. It has been what has worked for me for years. But unfortunately my boyfriend of 9 years has been depressed for about 3 years. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I am completely lost and his depression is now playing off on mine and making me completely unhappy and I don’t know what to do. He always says he is going to get help but never does. This relationship has become completely toxic and were almost always in separate corners because I can’t handle being depressed on my own. He isolates himself from other people and i have done the same because of him.I have thought about leaving so many times but to leave someone in his state knowing how it feels I can’t seem to do it. He cries and doesn’t want me to leave him and I feel so guilty when I sneek away to hang out with other people. He gets angry at me because I hang out with other men , and he is completely insecure. I do not have girlfriends because I work in a men’s field for profession. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need some words of wisdom or some advice because everyone just tells me to leave him but I feel I can’t do it. But I can’t handle this much longer if he won’t get help.
Hi TJ
my wife has been diagnosed with depression/Bipolar/OCD – at different times, but generally depression. About 10 years ago, I couldn’t find a job in Brisbane, Australia & decided to try my luck in Melbourne, 2000 km away. I landed up staying for 18 months & was amazed how well she coped. My wife veritably thrived. We developed a remarkably good communication system- I found that I could write letters that really expressed my emotions. I often think back to that period. I think I’m supporting her, but am I? Am I holding her life together or just creating misery for both of us by staying with her? Are my heroic beliefs about myself completely misguided because they are undermined by toxicity resulting from over-exposure to each other & I’m too gutless to make the break? Are you / me aggravating our partner’s insecurities? The only way to find out would be by trial & error perhaps in a gradual manner -perhaps as a series of challenges – you do this if I do that.
I’m not sure that this helps beyond saying that I can identify with the dilemma. Can anyone provide more insight?
Hi there I think I may be suffering depression, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m constantly down, constantly in a mood with my partner always starting fights then I bottle up and can’t talk it’s like a wall in my head, I have no energy feels like I’m being held down under my duvet at the thought of having to go out and do the schools run, I rarely leave the house and when I do anxiety kicks in, I cry most days the slightest thing sends me off, I feel as if friends family only put up with me because I’m here not because they like me, I have a five year old and a three year old and recently they are the only things keeping me going, I’ve been having thoughts about jumping off a bridge because I can’t do anything right or anything I do blows up in my face, my partner has put up with accusations every day that he’s cheating on me, because it’s in my head, and I can’t stop over thinking everything he does, the fact I can’t just be myself again or snap out of it is making me worse as I don’t understand what’s going on in my head, I am in love with my partner and want to be with him forever but I keep pushing him away telling him I don’t love him or I’m only with him because of kids or he should just go none of this is true I don’t know what I would do if he left me, but even the thought of that isn’t enough to snap myself out of this negativity, I used to love being outdoors and doing things but the thought of a day out terrifies me now. I have started to see a counsellor but I struggle to talk so writing is the best option to get all this out I’m 25 and don’t want to break up my family over something I’m really struggling to control, everyone’s suffering because I can’t get it together or even as much as explain how I feel without shutting down.
I am so sorry you are going thru this evil disease..depression/anxiety. .it is good for me to hear the other side of this disease..my boyfriend suffers from depression. .we have only been together for 6 months..the last 3 of which we havent talked..we live 2 hours apart. .which isnt a long distance for either of us. .we are both construction workers and travel alot..but your words helped me realize what he is feeling and going thru…he told me he doesnt love me anymore..2 wks after we spend the weekend together having a great time..and him telling me he loves me more than I could know. .most times no answers from my texts to him…if so one or two words..but again hearing how you feel helps me understand what he is feeling..I text him and just let him know I love and miss him..and I will.be here for him..im not going anywhere..I dont ever say how bad it has made me feel..because I know he cant deal with my feeling right now..thank you again
Hi Louise. it sounds like you are depressed. The most important thing you can do is decide that you want to get better and that you will take the steps needed to get better. In this rough patch in your life you need support. Tell your family and friends that you are comfortable telling, even if you write it down and let them read it or read it to them. It’s a very uncomfortable topic to discuss with the people closest to you but once they know you are dealing with this disease it will help them to see that you need them. Therapy is not fun, it will get very emotional and there will be times you don’t want to go see your counselor. Do it anyway. Speaking from experience – depression doesn’t go away on its own. People may say “what do you have to be depressed about? you have so much to be thankful for” – here is what alot of people don’t understand about depression – sometimes there is absolutely no reason to feel so sad. that’s why it is so frustrating and difficult to explain, because sometimes there just isn’t a reason other than a chemical imbalance in your brain. Don’t give up okay? If the counselor isn’t doing the trick, go to another one or ask them to refer a psychiatrist who can prescribe medicine to make you feel like yourself again. I’m proud of you for getting this far. You’re doing the right thing!
Married 30 years, the “black dog” has always been in our relationship but in the past 5 years has become worse and worse and now has totally consumed our lives. He sleeps all day doesn’t go to work blames it all on me being controlling when in fact I have just had to take responsibility. We have had six months of him swearing insults at me and now he says I have my “foot on his throat” I have tried to involve the family but just got shouted and sworn at for daring to “embarrass” him. Stupid as it sounds we have 2 cats and I would leave if I could find a suitable home. I have given up as it is affecting my life too much, no friends no family visiting, unable to go out because he drinks too much and becomes contentious. But it’s all my fault apparently and the advice that it’s the depression not the person is easy to say but not too easy to take, if you are just a year or two into such a relationship get out now.
I like the way you call it the “black dog”. My husband and I have been together for 9 years now and this “thing” has been with us right from the beginning. He is on meds which has made living with him easier, but, he still has these moments, horrible evil moments where he hails insults at me and my kids (his step kids). He is hiding his condition from everyone including his own kids. I keep telling myself, I need to find a way to live with this! I do not know if I can as I feel like my life is a roller coaster. He shouts at the top of his voice and stands outside our apartment so the neighbours can hear all the insults. I am so ashamed of showing my face out there!
He blames me for everything. On Friday, he was so mad at me as he forgot his car keys in his jacket pocket. He says “see, this is all because of you! I never ever forgot anything before I met you!” He is also OCD, I am tired.
My question is, why are depressed people so so selfish and horrible? Is that what this illness does? How do you live with someone like this and not lose yourself in the process? How do I keep the peace when he is shouting insults at me and blaming me for everything, (including him being obese and not wanting to excercise)? I am happy to have found this site as I felt I am not the only one going through this.
Lindsey
my suggestion is to say oh I’ve got a problem. get a referral to a psychiatrist, then tell him that the psychiatrist wants to speak to him about your problems & how to manage them. If the psychiatrist is worth anything, he/she will say “Oh you poor bugger, with your wife’s problems you must be under so much stress, here’s a prescription…..” This gets around the problem of your husband having to confront the fact that his wiring is faulty & any feelings of not being a total man.
What if your depression is caused from watching your husband have an affair? What if you tried and tried to talk him about it but ended up fighting? What if the behaviour of that fighting was unsusal for you that your husband insists that you (along with his affair partner) need help because you have bipolar, schizophrenia, personality disorder? What if you are just so sad from watching the affair take place, unable to be heard and being blamed….you become numb? So numb, there is no longer any form of feeling. You know there is something wrong with you, your family know there is something wrong. You are barely able to function but still manage to get kids to school, pick them up, get them to sport, wash and clean their clothes and get dinner on the table but it is all done without any feeling. All the while knowing you are alive but feeling dead. Now I know what it is like to have depression. Yes, there were problems in our marriage that should have been dealt with sooner. No more major than what a lot of couples go through but a wall was put up, rather than dealing with any pain and problems. Not just by me dare I say it. It took a major event in my life (the unexplained loss of my beloved Jack Russell) for the feeling to return and the emotion to awaken within me again in a way I never expected. The loss of my dog came at a dreadful time in my life but now as much as it still hurts, I know it happened for a reason. For almost 10 months I cried on and off, more on than off. My husband and I sought counselling and I sought the help of alternate therapies along with counselling to help me in my journey of sorting out my confusion. I am always trying to improve myself further trying different therapies and creating new interests. Have we survived? We are still here trying to work things out. I give now emotionally and physically in a way I never thought possible again. That is my commitment to our marriage. It’s not always easy because we still have marriage issues that come up between us that we never dealt with early on in our marriage that can cause discourse between us. It is hard for me at times when I feel I can’t make sense of things and I start to feel a bit depressed again but I know it must be much harder for my husband to not only watch the pain he has caused me by having the affair but also the pain of watching me pulling myself out of deep despair, I chose unintentionally to put myself in. Through it all, he has been there by my side as I want to be there by his. I guess only time will tell but I know now if we don’t make it….I will survive. My family have a saying they will say to me from time to time ……’it’s not about you’! As much as I detest hearing those words of tough love and just long for some sympathy, a cuddle, a kiss, they are the words that shake me up and spur me on. I do miss and mourn our old relationship terribly at times but we are both committed to finding the new path that leads to our next one. I am 50 and still have so much I want to see and do! I am here and alive. My husband and family are here beside me. I am so lucky and so grateful.
My partner has been depressed for the majority of our relationship, and now at this point I find myself in the same position, and exhausted emotionally. She is angry with me most of the time for not being supportive or comforting her, but at this point I don’t even know how to do that. I just want this to stop- every day it’s the same misery, and I’m terrified this is how I’ll spend the rest of my life. We just had a child together a month ago, and I don’t want to lose him, or her- I just can’t keep doing this constant fighting, criticism and misery. I don’t know what to do. How can I be there for her when I’ve gotten to a point where I can barely keep my own head up?
S:
I am in the same place , she may need time for her own discovery , is she getting help?
I have the same story as yours but its better to talk to her every minute if you have a time.
Just like telling some unforgettable stories that you have. i know its hard its like tearing your heart into pieces but you need to be strong for the sake of your child. You need to ask for a professional help and she needs medication for her depression.
i’m always praying for this kind of illness to be curable someday or today.
I have a question? ..I know there is not an exact answer..my bf is going thru a bout of depression since about a week before Thanksgiving. .this is the 1st time for me to experience since we have only been together since August. .he had mention in passing to me this happens about this time each year..my question..how long do these depressions periods last..again I know there is no exact answer..and cant talk to him..we are at the point where he isnt answering phone..and very few texts..usually a couple words ..he has said he needs to fight this himself..and we are 2 different ppl..I should forget him..which is very much like so many posts..but after the depression subsides..do they want you back and things are normal..or are they really gone for good.. I love him and want to be supportive..and try to keep my texts to him only positive.and supportive..letting him know im not going anywhere and I love him..thank you for any insight
Run away now before he sucks the life out of you. I have been married for 37 years to a depressed man who has been on meds now for 17 years. Our 3 sons are grown and I cannot stand another day of this gloom. This is a never ending battle and I am ready to surrender. I fantasize about a life on my own without his constant negativity. I am ready to go. Get out now for your own sanity.
totally agree get out run fast and never look back before you have children and are trap in the most miserable marrige… i have three children with a depressed man carry all burdens both financially and otherwise… he has manipulated his whole family against me saying i am difficult and i am the problem… please run far and run fast!
Wish I had the courage Mary.My husband’s been depressed for over 10 years. I so wish I’d left 5 years ago for both our sakes.We are older now and I haven’t the finances or courage.To leave.
Please do this for YOU… Leave this man! It’s only gonna get worse. I am married to a man who has been depressed almost all his life. His ex wife left him and said, I was tired of mothering him and getting no where. I am now in a worse position than her and envy that she actually left him. Please, it’s not worth it at the end of the day. I love my husband too but the emotional and verbal abuse is too much. He is on meds and yes he is better than what he was 5 years ago but he is still abusive when he is down. I feel like I am living with two man, one who is gentle, loving, makes love to me and holds me gentle then the demon who rejects me, blames me for everything and even tells me he hates me. You do not want this and you do not deserve it. My advice to you girl is LEAVE HIM NOW!!!
Hi there. I am so in love with my partner and it has taken time and pain to be together. We where both married, not happily but eventually we made it into a full relationship. My children adore him also. He moved into my family unit 4 months ago. He wanted to marry me and we where about to get out first home together then it hit, depression took control and he left. I can’t function, I love him so much. I went to see him the other evening and he couldn’t look at me, hold my hand or show me any emotion. I said I wanted to move forward and for us both to get therapy and learn about this bastard illness. He just looked at the wall and said he wanted to end our relationship. I miss everything about him, I’m wearing his pjs so I can smell him. I’m in mourning and feel like my life has ended. If I didn’t have my children I honestly couldn’t see the point of life anymore. I will simply never get over this.
I never knew he suffered from depression for the first 12 months, he said he thought he was better. In all honesty, if I had known, I would not have emotionally gotten involved.
All my family knew we where buying a house and had never seen me so happy then BOOM, I’m spending Christmas on my own, drinking and screaming the house down. I’m a very insecure person and this has tipped the scales for me. I’m text in him my support, love and it’s like he’s dead, the odd text back. By nature I want to run into the arms of another, just to be held, feel that intamicy but I know it’s not the answer. My children are devastated as they loved the man dearly. I honestly don’t think I can get over this, I so want my sadness to ease. Everything in my home is a constant reminder of the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Will I ever be normal again?
Hi..my husband is depressed n i really dnt knw what to do about it..i feel lost ..the thing is currently he works in a different country. . Which makes my situation more complicated! !
When hes there things r good n he claims that depression is over n hes fine n so we become fine.. now he came twice for visits within a month and they were like hell!!! I really love him n we have two children …i want us to be the same but i feel there is a barrier between us.. now he became high tempered .. he gets angry n extremely angry if we had a small fight (like any other couples) he just wants to break things . Throw stuff n so on … n then he start hating himself for it .. n afcors i get many hurtful words like: u bring the worst in me, i cant stand you, u dont deserve so n so… his words r killing me n he dsnt want to seek help n he hates me n told me to stay away from his depression issue as he will solve it himself..im really lost angry n have no energy to do anything
he just doesnt want to talk about it with me n no one else knows about it.. i feel my life is tearing apart ..when ever i tell him tht plz seek help its affecting us he says n what about myself !!!!!
I really dont know what to do
Hi Manny, how are things now? I’m now in the same boat.
My husband and I have been together for a total of 14 years, 11 married, and we have two daughters ages 9 and 2. About a year and a half ago, he started acting “pouty” and depressed. After many episodes of on-again, off-again behavior, I am at my wits end. He says it is because I don’t give him enough affection, when I am not acting any different than I always have acted. He practically ignored our children as they opened their x-mas gifts on x-mas morning, which was extremely sad for me to witness. He is not engaged in their lives, or mine for that matter. I am tired of being made to feel guilty for lack of affection when I think he is the one with the problem. He also can’t seem to get through a family get-together without getting plastered drunk. This is another issue altogether, but a Band-Aid for his bigger problems. I have told him several times that I think he needs to seek professional help, and so far he has done nothing to help himself. I’m tired. Please help.
I can relate to this. My husband was exactly the same for over a year before he finally went to the doctor because he wasn’t sleeping. The doctor was great and my husband told her he was stressed at work. He now sees the same doctor regularly and she offered him anti depressants. At first he refused saying he didn’t want to take tablets. After saying to my husband that I was struggling with his mood swings he agreed to taking the tablets. He is now going to a one on one meeting with a psychologist and also group sessions which the doctor arranged. My husband also began drinking heavily and I have since asked him to stop drinking all together because his binge drinking is causing me problems especially dealing with our children. Dealing with his depression is a long drawn out processes and he still has a long way to go. He has now been off work for 3 months a and I feel desperate for him to get out the house and back to work. If your husband could speak to a doctor it could be a start. I think it’s important for you to speak up and tell him how you feel in the hope he can do something to help himself.
Just stumbled upon this website ,laying in bed alone, sad.. looking for some help or answers. Anything. Something. Like everyone else, glad I found it. Been reading through all the stories for about an hour and I am completely sobbing cause I can hear and feel everyone’s pain and hurt. If I explain my situation it would be bits and pieces of every post I’ve read tonight. I don’t really know if that makes me feel better or worse. I actually felt like I’m being selfish for looking for support, I mean after all, I’m not the one who is “suffering”… But I am. We are. I’m sure I’ll be back, when I feel a bit more comfortable doing this. It’s comforting to know I have somewhere to go now. Thanks for sharing your stories and suggestions… Anything helps.
Hang in there, I also just stumbled upon this site. I am hoping to get some support and suggestions! What is your story?
This is the same for me. I knew my bf has depression, but I thought I did something to push him away. Now reading everyone’s stories, it helps me understand my situation a little better. Reading everyone’s story and knowing mine just makes my heart ache. The feeling of missing who they were before they were depressed and the longing to be let in during the depression along with feeling like you are doing something wrong is such a struggle. Now on top of it, I am dealing with depression. It hurts to much to have it done to you but it also hurts watching them in pain. I wish depression could be cured like antibiotics cure a temporary sickness such as a UTI. :/
I am in total agreement. No one around me understands what this is like. Its my husband who suffers and now its me falling down the rabbit hole. Just hearing your story is helpful knowing I am not alone… I want to just run… But I am in love with the good days although very few good days now. Anyway thank you
Hello,
I have felt my mind spiraling to further chaos this past year, finding this website has given me a lot of ease knowing I’m not alone in my feelings. I will have been with my boyfriend for 5 years in April 2016 (so current 4 years and 8 months) We were best friends for a year before getting together, during this time a close childhood friend of his committed suicide which was a very difficult time for him. I knew a lot about him, however one thing he didn’t make me aware of was his severe depression as he always seemed to have a positive outlook on life. At this time, I didn’t have a strong understanding of what it was like to have depression, only what I had learned in school. I think if we hadn’t been such close friends before getting together I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the struggle that came into our relationship.
After a year into our relationship he began to get frustrated with the smallest things, throwing his phone at the wall if it froze for a moment. Destroying a room if something broke always saying he paid for it to work the fact it breaks (when easily fixable) is stupid. But to me it was always something never worth the fits of rage that he burst out with. His anger had no limits but he only got angry at the silliest things, never at people, only at objects, but even knowing that his anger was never aimed at me i couldnt help but feel afraid sometimes. He didn’t care if replacing the things he broke was very expensive which affected him further since he wouldn’t be able to afford to go out anymore. This brought on social anxiety, he refused to go to the shop because there would be too many people. He wouldnt want to do anything but would always moan about being bored despite not wanting to do a thing. No matter what I suggest as an activity he doesn’t want to do it, and he can’t think of anything he wants to do. I began to see my own friends less to keep him company at home, now i barely leave the house at all as I put him first to prevent him from getting upset.
Often he calls himself pathetic and stupid saying he may as well not exist. Its becoming more frequent now as he has told me numerous times this that he wants to kill himself. His family dont help they just make him worse, the underlying cause of his depression due to their history. I wont go into details. It’s like this every day, we both go to work and when I get home I feel trapped in a cycle as he will greet me stressed at his day. Tired, fed up, wanting to do an activity but also nothing at all. I havent had a single evening in the past couple of months where I have been able to relax after work. It always ends with me trying to calm him down as his spirals to dangerous thoughts saying such as: ‘whats the point, i hate my life, may aswell die and get it over with’. It breaks my heart to hear the person I love say these things, but I feel so helpless. We are barely intimate anymore, i find myself wondering if he still loves me, if I still love him. no matter what I try I dont seem to help, he refuses to seek medical help claiming he wouldnt learn anything new. no matter what I say he just bats me off saying I would never be able to understand. But I feel my days growing harder. I’m now starting to think whats the point in living is this is what I have to come home too. More than once a week I cry alone before going to bed, though I dont let him know this as he would only feel guilty.
i feel lost, confused what to do now. I love him but im growing tired, my heart aches and I miss being happy.
Thank you so much for writing this, at his been a few months since you wrote this so I was wondering how your relationship is going now.
I have exactly the same problem with my depressed bf, basically everything you said is the same in my situation. Even the things your quote he said, are the same with my man.
I am not at the point yet that I can’t handle it any more, I feel strong enough to keep this up for quite some time, but rather than waiting for the moment that I cannot cope with his depression any more, I need a solution for him that makes our relationship better for the future…
I’ve made the mistake to have him push my boundaries, as a result him having disrespected me many times – because I thought… let him vent, and it will be over soon. – which never happened. It’s not over, he is depressed and the bad moments are now taking over the good ones.
He doesn’t see a point in living, he doesn’t see a future, yet at his good moments he says I am the only thing that keeps him from getting down more, he wants children, he wants to get married, he wants to settle down.
I am a very positive person and never really see a problem anywhere, problems are there to be solved. And if you can solve it, it never has been a big problem in the first place.
He sees problems in everything, he is extremely negative, unreasonable and has the worst illogical reasoning I have ever encountered in my life – yet he accuses me to have all of these traits.
Especially negativity and being unsatisfied. Which is completely untrue.
He thinks the whole world is against him, nobody respects him and he thinks he is stupid because he thinks he trusts the wrong people. He doesn’t do anything, he dislikes everything before he even tried it, and never wants to do anything – yet says he is bored.
Exactly like you mentioned.
I really need help – for the most of course for my boyfriend – yet he refuses to seek help. He says the problem is everyone is, not him. He is just misunderstood and taken advantage of…
What can I do??a
I wrote a couple days ago..but have update..it seems to just get worse..I thought I was fortunate because even though he quit texting me that he loved me or missed me or actually any feelings..and his texts went from a few a day to maybe one every few days..he hadnt mentioned he didnt want to stay bf/gf status..I haven’t seen him since before Thanksgiving. .he doesnt want company and I live 90 miles away..so have tried to give him his space..but 2 days ago he up and tells me he is moving..for good..he has no family so isnt going to where there is other family..he said I cant go where he is going I ask where he was going..he said he isnt telling anybody where he is going..I told him I would wait for him..he says I wont be coming back..his job makes it easy to move..construction..all he said he was moving east?…this was his first text to me about it….his text copied…. (Sweetie my future is going back to myself. My past is rearing it’s head again and I am trying to deal with it. Waiting for me will only leave you disappointed)….this broke my heart..I have decided to show up at his house this weekend..unannounced. .I am so hurt..idk what to do..im lost and hurting so bad..it is hard for me to function at times..and me being single and no children..and I lost my parents to cancer a couple yrs ago..im alone..and with it being Christmas time it doesnt help..thank you for listening. .and id appreciate and helpful insite
My recommendation to you would be to get yourself involved in a local church and seek God. He will get you through all this – HE was the only one that helped me, I have experienced ALL of it. Don’t do this to yourself!
Your bf is doing you a favor for leaving you, you will find peace again, trust me. You need to allow yourself time to heal your heart. Blessings to you on your NEW future! ♡♡
Any update? I feel so alone myself
Hi everyone, I am so thankful to have found this site and read through everyone’s comments – I don’t feel quite so alone and isolated anymore. I’m sorry, this will be a long post, but I need to “speak” to people who understand and at least get this out of my head so I don’t feel like I’m so crazy….
I’ve been with my fiance for just over a year. He is ex-military and he didn’t tell me he suffered with depression when we first met, but we talked so much I figured it out. He says he’s never told anyone any of the stuff he’s told me, I’m the only person who knows what happened to him in the army (see below) and he tells me I’m the only person he trusts 100%… We are so in love – we’ve both been married before and have children from those relationships – but we are best friends, soulmates, so tactile with each other normally – all of which makes this soooo much harder to bear.
He suffers with PTSD (he watched his best friend die in his arms, which he blames himself for) and depression (from the PTSD and also an ex-wife who pushed him to attempt suicide 4 years ago). Christmas is particularly bad for him as he thinks of the friend he lost, and what their family go through, and also as he’s never had his kids over xmas – this year is the first we will have them over night (and the first xmas in 4 years he’s even put up decorations) which I’d hoped would give him something to focus on.
I’ve experienced his withdrawal previously as it happened about 6 mths ago around the anniversary of his friends passing, and he left our home for a few days, telling me we should split up etc. He was very angry and pushed me away, said hurtful things etc. It was extremely difficult and emotional, but we came through it and we were so in love, planning our future together. Over the last 2 weeks I could sense his gradual withdrawal but when I asked him he said he was fine, or would snap at me. He had a letter last night about child maintenance payments for his kids (its way more than we can afford) and it sent him over the edge – he became catatonic. I found him in the bath staring. He wouldn’t speak except to say “I just don’t care about anything”. I pulled him to me and hugged him for the longest time, and he just cried. I asked him if he thought he should see his doctor, or speak to anyone and he just shrugged. When he got out the bath he sat on the bed motionless while I dressed him, then while I was bathing my children he played on the computer for 2 hrs in the dark. He only moved when I told him I’d made him some dinner (after telling him twice). He surprisingly ate all the food but then sat there staring at the side.
I asked him then to move to the lounge and watch TV with me and he agreed (nodded his head). He sat with me holding him for a long while, then eventually lay down and fell asleep. He woke later and went to bed – we always go together and I asked if he wanted me to come with him but he said he didn’t care (was the first time he’d spoken to me all evening). I stayed downstairs for an hour with the dog, and when I finally went to bed I just held him all night. This morning, again, he didn’t speak to me, but spoke to the dog and hugs/kisses her – I am sooo jealous of the dog right now 🙁 – but I get nothing. He tried to leave for work while I was upstairs but I ran down and hugged him – no words, just a hug. I then bought him lots of food for lunch and gave it to him at work, where again, he barely spoke to me. He did text me an hour later thanking me for the food.
I guess I just don’t know what to do. I told him I love him, that I wont go anywhere, that we will get through this together and that I will listen if he wants to talk to me about anything. I said that I know he’s struggling with the blackness, but that I can’t pull him out of it, that he needs to climb out of it as well. I keep hugging him and I get nothing back – not even eye contact. Its killing me inside and this morning while he was downstairs I just cried. I feel so helpless and sad that what we had only 2 weeks ago is just gone…..I know he’s always suffered so I am hopeful that he will come out the other side (as he has before), but meanwhile I have to keep things “normal” for my children (who live with us) and his when they come and visit. I just don’t know where I will find the strength from to pretend to be happy and put on my “Christmas” face……
Hi joesphine15,
Reading your story reminded me of the first time I experienced my boyfriend going through a severe episode/mental break. We’ve been together over 3 years now, and there are constant ups and downs.
During our first year together, there were several things that happened that triggered a severe mental break. He was extremely suicidal and temperamental. After that phase ended (about a day), he became blank. He just layed in bed, didn’t go to work for a week (didn’t even tell his co-workers), barely even talked to me. The third day into it, I decided to cook some of his favorite food in the kitchen. I didn’t even tell him anything, but eventually he came out from the bedroom. He still didn’t talk to me, just sat and watched TV and ate his food. I considered that a “win.” It took a couple of weeks for him to come back to “normal,” but eventually he was able to talk about what he was feeling and we got through it.
I’m sure you know this by now, but it is a constant up and down. My boyfriend just snapped at me and told me he wants to be single and went upstairs, and I’m downstairs drinking and crying and confused (even though this has happened so many times before). It’s emotionally draining and confusing, but I just have to remind myself that with every “down,” there’s an “up.” And I just have to be patient, give him his space and let him know that I’m here for him when he’s ready.
I always come to this site after he yells/starts a fight because it reminds me that other people are going through this, too. I hope that we both get to a better place before Christmas. Stay strong, and he’ll come around.
From someone suffering from PTSD and depression… Have you researched dissociation? It sounds very much like your husband is going blank/zoning out/on autopilot, which is a common PTSD symptom of being overwhelmed or triggered. If so, he may not even realize that he’s not responding to you or recognize it as a problem. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a dog than to a person. It sounds like your husband loves you and is trying to protect himself from pain right now. I’m sorry that you are being hurt by his response.
UPDATE: So he had a few days after what I described above where he seemed to be improving. Work was keeping him going I think. He admitted to me he’d felt suicidal, considered taking an overdose and that he was poorly. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and if he needed to me do anything I would. He said that I needed to bear with him cos xmas is a bad time for him, so I did. And it was awful (and still is).
He was in a foul mood xmas eve, but we spent the afternoon/evening together and he appeared to be “present”. He fell asleep early in the evening, I guess his own mind had worn him out, but otherwise he was ok-ish when we went to bed. We’d agreed not to buy presents but I’d had a small work bonus and bought him some small gifts, which I told him about prior, but when I asked him to open them on xmas day he hit the roof! He stormed off, then disappeared to go fetch his kids – I text him apologising saying I just wanted to try make xmas good, and he replied saying “I cant handle it, so don’t”, he then told me I had to return all the presents. The rest of the day was as you can imagine, awful. He told me at one point he couldn’t do this any more, and said he didn’t know if we should stay together – I told him it wasn’t the day, nor was he in the right state of mind for the conversation. He cried when his daughter gave him a homemade gift, he was silent until the kids went to bed then he spent the remainder of the evening working in the garage on his bike.
Boxing day was equally rubbish. He ended up going to bed so I arranged to go visit some family with my children. He thought I was at my sisters (I was at my aunts) so later in the day he drove over to her house. He text me to ask my whereabouts, I replied, and then he responded saying he wouldn’t come back that night. He told me it was over, and eventually he asked me if I would help him with anything he asked, which lead to him asking me to help him die. Obviously I said no, told him I’d help him to live. He got quite nasty then and tried to cut me off, so I told him I’d call his sister (who also suffers with depression). He went mad at me for that, but I was so upset and scared…she tried to speak with him, but he just got nasty with her and ended up cutting her off, and refusing to respond to texts.
Anyway, long story short, he spent the evening drinking with 3 girls (old school friends apparently) and he texted me a few times saying he was still alive. Then at 11pm the texts started. He spoke of the devil inside, how it wouldn’t let him talk about “stuff” and would always taunt him. This went on for 2 hrs – talk about how he didn’t want to exist anymore, that his kids would be better without him – he finally signed off by asking me to give the dog a kiss.
He came home next morning, showered then went to bed for hrs. His nightmares about his friends death are back and he had a bad one. Then I woke him and convinced him to walk the dog – he hugged me when we got back, then he cooked tea and then worked in the garage for hours until bedtime again. Yesterday was much the same, slept late, nightmares, garage, then has came with me to a family gathering. When we got home, nothing – silence. I couldn’t take it any longer so I started asking him what happened on the night he was out, why he thought that was right to go out, told him how badly he was hurting me and that I knew he didn’t care. He said he wished he’d jumped off that bridge on sunday night but wouldn’t tell me more. He told me he wont go to the doctors, won’t speak to me or anyone cos what can it do!!! He said he’s been here before and knows it all useless. This morning he’s got up and gone to work, which I suppose is a good thing…meanwhile I sit here in misery and fear. I guess I need to quietly let him know I’m here, give him his space and hope that he comes back to me…but meanwhile the helplessness is terrifying 🙁
My boyfriend and I have been together, near enough, two years. We knew of each other before hand, went out on a date and fell in love with one another instantly. He is my best friend and lives with me and my family.
Earlier this year, he found out that his parents were separating after 20+ years of being together. My boyfriend is 20 years old, his parents being together is all he has ever known.
Initially, when he found the news out, he ran to me for support and said that he never wanted to be without me; since, he has distanced himself.
We have been on a roller coaster of emotions, he is constantly unsure on how he is feeling. One minute he wants the relationship and the next he decides he wants to be single, however, he sits outside my house as comfort.
He tells me that he is empty and not emotionally attached to anything or anyone, he just follows a routine. If he told me that he didn’t feel anything towards me any more, I would walk away but the way he words how he is feeling gives me hope.
He has also told me that he doesn’t want anybody else but all he is doing is pushing me away – fully understand that the way people feel changes but when somebody is so up and down, you can’t help thinking there is an underlining issue. Under the circumstances, I feel that he is affected by his parents more than he realises but he assures me that he is fine and is coping perfectly.
His behaviour has changed, he hated going out clubbing, always told me it was for ‘single people’ but since finding out about his parents… enhanced clubbing, drinking and smoking.
I don’t know whether to listen to him, listen to him when he tells me our relationship has reached its peak or to continue to support and fight for him and our relationship. Has anybody been in a similar situation or have any advice for me?
Hi DREH — going through the same thing now. How are things now that it’s been almost a year?
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months..he has mentioned in small parts about his terrible childhood..abandoned my parents..trouble with the law..low self esteem..etc..he told me he suffers depression..which I have realized is worse during the holidays..it started out him not feeling good ..stomach hurt..always tired..always hungry. .but we still texted everyday and talked on phone..I am 2 hrs from him..but would go down and spend weekends with him..then up til Wed before Thanksgiving he was planning on coming to my house and spend the weekend..well he didn’t come up..has pretty much stopped texting..no phone calls since Thanksgiving weekend over 3 weeks ago..and when he texts no I love yous..which hurts..he had told me a few weeks before he got into this depression that when he gets this way he doesnt talk ti anybody. .I try not to take it personally. .but we are in a fairly new relationship. .and I know absolutely zero ppl of his friends or family..which he really doesnt have any..I wish I knew how long these bouts of depression last..should I try to see him ..even though he says he had said when he is like this he doesnt want to see anybody..I text him everyday and tell him I love him..im here for him..im not going anywhere…and never mention how his depression is hurting me..I miss him so much..any advice please..he becomes a workaholic during these times..ye is a union teamster. .and can pretty much work as many hours as he wants..though he is home each night..which is 2 hrs from me..thank you
Four months? Marriages decades long are destroyed by this. I’m sorry but four months of which one month you haven’t seen him since you haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving. It’s a no brainer to me. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. Do what’s best for you. Move on. You don’t have history with him or a foundation that it would take to survive the wrath of depression and the toll it takes.
Thank you for your advice…I appreciate your honesty…it is just hard because it is new..im 46 yrs old and love him..seems to be harder to let go than when I was younger..
m ramsey, I might look like I am responding to all your messages :), I feel like if I help you I might feel better myself. Maybe helpers syndrome, who knows. I met my husband 9 years ago and our relationship was wonderful. 3 months into the relationship, we had a very horrible fight because of some stupid little misunderstanding. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THEN, I didn’t! I gave reasons why he behaved the way he did and he apologised and I forgave him. From then our fights escalated to every week, and it didnt stop. You see, I was scared of leaving him. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage where the father is not supporting his kids financially and this man, my husband came and took up this responsibility. I was unemployed and he paid me a huge salary even put my kids in private schools and made me feel like he was a god to me. I did not know about depression at that time. He rejects me when ever he feels like and treats me like I am nothing. A friend once said to get a job and he will respect me. I did but what happened next was so hurtful. He packed all his furniture and left, when I came back home he was gone and only my furniture was left. I was humiliated and hurt. He blames me for everything that happens to him. He does not take responsibility for anything at all! He does not work as he inherited money from his father. His father also gets blamed equally. I am the only one who knows about his depression. He has hidden it from his biological kids and his family.
I do not know you, you have your reasons to stay as I had my reasons to stay. My greatest regret now is I should have left at that time when I could. Now 9 years down the line, I think back, would I have got someone better ( by better I mean without this illness)? This illness is horrible! I wake up everyday and pray to God that the demon is sleeping today. It is 2:10am and I am awake. I am trying to find solutions on how to stay sane! He always said I am the depressed one, he says I am the angry one, I am the one who frustrates him, He even tells me that he hates me. All this in front of my kids. When he sees me laughing he says “wow lucky you that you can laugh” . I immediately stop laughing and I know that that day we are gonna fight. It is horrible. When he is down, I am down, when he is great I am also great. He threatens to commit suicide and because of the pain in my heart, I do not feel sorry for him. I am 40 years old, living in this situation which Icould have stopped. I found this website and I can vent. I vent and feel like maybe now I can sleep. I will try to sleep. Hope you make the right decision for you!
Thank you for your comments. .I appreciate them..I am 46..have been divorced for 25 years..my choice..Im a union pipefitter..and travel some for work..I have no children..one thing I guess I can be thankful for..is he has never blamed me or fought with me..he told me in the beginning he suffers from depression and holidays are worse..yes he has gone as far as not telling me he loves me..wont answer phone calls..texts ..I havent heard anything from him for 2 weeks. .last nite I did the unthinkable..lol..I contacted his ex who they get along well and we didnt know each other..but found her on facebook..I pm her..and she answered. .said she was so happy I was in his life. .and she told me he had contacted her a week ago.
They have 2 children..I was glad to just know he is ok..I love him…and I told him.I would give him his time alone but Id be there waiting for him…like his ex said everybody in his life has left him..I think now he pushes ppl away..before they leave him..even his parents didnt want him..wow sorry for so long..it helps me to talk about him to others in the same boat..what is hard now too..im working 700 miles away..hope you have a good day and those demons lie quiet today
I have been married to my wife for exactly one year this is my first marriage and her second marriage. the first two years everything was great and when I first met her in 2013 she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist to deal with personal issue she would never talk to me about.
After 11 months of marriage I noticed a change in her for about seven of those 11 months. she became distant and very agitated at me though she was still saying” I love you “in texts, I came home August 12 and she left a note saying she was leaving, she didn’t contact me for one month even her Family members didn’t contact me about her well-being. her Son acted like it was all my fault.
She Left me with a ton of bill and an apartment I can barely afford and she was the one who signed the lease. I want her back but it has been almost 5 months now so I don’t know what’s going on after 30 days she seemed all right and she told me she needed time apart .
But now it’s back to the no contacting me scenario . maybe I am making her more agitated by asking her why she doesn’t talk to me even though I have been reading up on depression I am just so confused.
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
― Stephen Fry
I’m so confused. I have been married for almost 9 years. My husband was loving, transparent and kind. In September I noticed we were not connecting and he grew distant. In the past 5 weeks he has gone from “I love you”, to I only love you as a friend, to Taking his ring off and saying we should divorce. He has cut off all emotional connection. He sleeps in the living room. He wont say love you. Our 3 children see a change and wonder why daddy doesn’t say love you to mom. He stopped going to church. Stopped going to his recovery meetings . He has been going to therapy for 4 weeks now. His therapist seems to think he is severely depressed and possibly bi polar. He just went to his pcp yesterday and was put on zoloft. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday. I just want my sweet husband back. I miss his love his compassion his snuggles his sweet texts him holding my hand…thise simple things that define love for me. This is aweful…purely aweful
You are not alone. I am going through the same thing. I have been married two years , after my husband being married for 28 years and a bad break up. At first he swept me off my feet and our marriage was so exciting and happy. During the last year the signs started, no little love texts, no cuddles, no kisses, no wanting to go out and dance. He sits in the chair and watches tv all day and night. Tells me he wants to be a lone and threatens to leave. He goes on hunger strike and does not eat. He has started to critize every thing i do. I am sad and cry. At this stage it is so new I am not even sure what to do You are not alone and I am so sorry.
My current girlfriend seems to have a mild case of depression. I first met her three years go, and instantly had this crush on her which never wore off. Problem was I was in a relationship then, but then I found out earlier this year that she liked me too. It was a mutual thing that we kept at a shallow level because I was still with my ex. I broke up with my ex because I just wanted out of what was turning out to be one-sided relationship. My current gf was there to talk to me to help me deal with my sadness, and we realized later on that we’d fallen in love.
Now, for as far as I’d known her, she’d had a negative perception of herself and life in general. She posts very emotional statuses on facebook, berates people who tell her to “be positive” or “cheer up” etc, she thinks she’s not worth any good – but she’s a beautiful, smart and a talented singer at that. I’d always told her all of that, and she appreciates it “as long as it comes from you”.
Recently, she’d told me that she sees herself with me in the future, and is hinting at the possibilities of getting married and having a family. This coming from a girl who always told people around her that she gave up on love and a shot at a happy life.
However, she is still struggling with her depression and is still quite anti-social except to those she feels she can open up to, and would understand her. I once opened up to her that maybe she can seek professional help, and she immediately told me “I am not insane”, and I reassured her that she is not, but maybe it can help her smoothen out her moods.
I am afraid to screw up my future in case I do get married to her, but I would have to admit that we’re very much in love, and I would also like to see what the future holds.
How do you stay in a relationship like this?
Me & my best friend (future wife) we have been dating for a year. And amazing year, a couple months into us dating I knew she suffered from depression. I though depression was just a deep sad feeling. I didn’t know it was this deep. Anyway after her birthday in which we celebrated with her family and had a great time. My birthday is 4 weeks after hers. After her birthday she because very distant. She said to celebrate my birthday we was gonna go out every weekend of the month. She became very distant I told her we don’t have to go out everyweekend; I just wanna see you. In the mean time she had a death in the family and just completely distanced herself from me. I love her so much. Went always went out on dates.m, I send her flowers once a month to her job, and we always made time for eachother. She told me that she is “emotionally struggling”. At first I did t know what she meant. Did she cheat on me with another?!? My mind went there first. In till I did my research on depression. Fast forward three months she distants herself from me & her family. We text maybe once to twice a day. We use to text like a hundred daily. I miss my best friend. I heard people on here say “run away!” When you really love someone it’s not that easy. She even told me I should date other girls. I told her if I wanted to date other girls I would have, I love you! We both are 36 years old. I’m currently in the market to buy a house. Hopefully we both can move in together and get married. However I know God have to help, help her and me. I went into a mini depression missing her. I’m out of it now thanks God. We text every now and then. I still send her flowers with the message “I love you, I care for you and I’m here for you” I miss her dearly. I’m currently focusing on my myself and making me the best version of me daily. I need to hear successful testimonys on here. I won’t give up on her because I know my God is the strongest and the most powerful. I won’t give up on love!
Rocky,
In this tough time it’s most important that you stay strong and look after yourself. I was in a similar situation 5 months ago. My partner just switched off and said that he couldn’t continue the relationship as he was ill. From that day I let him go, it was the hardest thing I ever did especially when the relationship a few days prior to that was still great. I had no contact with him for 5 months and concentrated on myself. It didn’t mean I didn’t think about him and miss him everyday. Out of the blue last week he contacted me asking if I wanted to go to a ball with him. I will be introduced to all his friends and some work colleagues who we had kept the relationship quiet from before. I must admit, for many reasons, I am scared stiff.
In my humble opinion it’s important to let your partner have the time they need to recover. It may be a long or short process but hopefully it will turn out better in the end. Just remember it’s not you, it’s this horrible illness.
Take care of yourself
ThankYou, how did things turn out for you Mouse?
Hi Rocky, any updates on your situation? I’m now dealing with the same thing. It’s so heartbreaking!
It’s a selfish disease. We all understand depression but he is purposely pushing me away and decided he cannot have a family. Its been 7months of me crying and trying to be strong for us but my fiance keep pushing and pushing me away and it hurts so bad and im broken inside. i felt like i have hope last month but now we dont talk for days now. He was sorry he lost his confidence as a family man and i just have no words anymore. My health is dropping toofor worrying and thinking of him. I feel tired.
I am so relieved reading that – or maybe not, I’m not sure. I have been feeling like I’m turning into this emotionally unstable, neurotic person for weeks now and I just couldn’t figure out where all these feelings suddenly came from. Stuff from the past bubbles up, I have trouble sleeping, my heart rate’s irregular and at times, I am so tired, I feel like everything is too much. The catch: I fell in love with some one a couple of months back who was married to a severely depressed and suicidal wife and has a small kid. The wife left him shortly after we’d met and set her mind on a violent campaign of ‘revenge’. Within a couple of weeks, she had him completely broken down (not that he was the most stable before, either, since he had the break up, her depression, her suicide attempt, the kid and his own issues from the past to deal with) and till today keeps attacks coming his way on a regular basic (e.g. calling the police and stating he was abusive or threatening to claim he was hurting the kid if he didn’t comply to her demands etc.). When crisis struck, I pretty much put my own life on hold and was with him close to 24/7, cleaning up his apartment, talking to him and holding him at night when he was struck by insomnia. It drained me. After a couple of weeks, I started to feel extremely tired and irritable and dramatic. Now, this has turned into something like a constant instability, I experience extreme emotions, suddenly am unable to deal with minor issues and feel incredibly lonely. Right now, we live quite far away from each other but we text a lot. Our relationship has taken a rapid turn for the worse . I feel like he’s completely lost interest and as if I’m supposed to give and give and give and be patient and understanding all the time meanwhile feeling as neglected as I haven’t felt in years. Even when he’s here and I sit next to him, I feel like I can’t reach him. He’s negative, sometimes even a little aggressive, I think. If I tell him, he either acknowledges it or fights me. In any case, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I often feel put down and criticised and at the same time asked to be loving and open and supportive. That makes me feel used and consequently, angry. I feel like I’m supposed to deal with his and his daughters’ problems while taking care of me is entirely my own business. Sorry for this becoming such a rant, I wasn’t even aware of the amount of feelings I had bottled up in that department. It’s just that now it’s come so far that I consider distancing myself since I feel I’m investing a lot more than I ought to. it helped me tremendously to read your article and a couple of the comments below. It made me feel that my reaction to all of this might not be as crazy and ‘pathological’ as I thought it was.
I found myself here after reading through searches in google for support and answers to what is going on in my life right now and for over a year. Its so refreshing to final read and relate to other people who have become spouses to this illness that robs people of their feelings and love.
I gave been with my girlfriend for around 2 and half year and she was on anti-depressants when i met her; which she had been on shortly after giving birth to her daughter. Anyway i never judge anyone and it went really well, she was fun, loving and caring and always had this soft, gentle aura about her which i completely fell in love with.
She had came off anti depressents about 6 month after we met and she was fine , then months after that we bith endured quite a stressful time due to both going through the court system to ensure child care arrangments were in place for my child and her child. It was during and after that time that i started to suspect something was wrong in the way she was dealing with stress. She started avoiding social situations and had an excuse for getting out of wverything, including not to see me.
So this last 8 months have been the worst, she has broken up with me several times but she has always came back to me. The last time she broke up with me in may of this year she told me that she didnt want a relationship, it was hard but i had to just try and move on. It was at this point were i discovered me again as i wasnt the support for her and i could renergise from the emotional drain i had been put on for sometime. It was during this time that she also realised that being apart didnt chamge the way she felt and realised that she was unhappy in general and had mistoke that unhappiness from being a problem in our relationship. And way we started talking and she really opened up to me about how she felt. She told me that she just feels stressed or not stressed and that there is no inbetween (anxiety) and that she has no control over her feelings. She started to go to the doctors, make appointments, not turn up for appointments; but with my support we got her there and she started telling the doctor everything – i finally felt as if this was the breakthrough i needed, as ling as she is getting treatment i will be around.
Any way about 4 weeks ago the doctor put her on an NRI antidepressant to stop her sleeping all the time and to give her a lift. The trouble By this point she had been drinking a lot (a bottle of wine per night), at the same time as taking antidepressants. Me, her and our two kids went out for dinner and she was very agitated around him and was fiddling with her eyelashes and eyebrow through lunch. It had been a while were we had all been together due to the breakups this illness had caused so i put it to that. Anyway fast forward a couple of weeks and she is avoiding social situations were my son was so i approched her about it and asked if she cared about him; her response was that she feels wierd around him but she cares for me (by text). Its been a week now and ive never heard from her since.
Ive been through so many ups and downs with her illness that i am emotionally and physically drained. Ive tried to leave so many times but i havnt got the strength to so it as my love for her is so much stronger. My life and me is secondary to her and this illness which drains every aspect out of family life. Immnot married and even her family tell me to leave her but i find it so hard to. Its so hard to to see past the critical comments, the negativity and when she leaves and comes back its really hard not to take it personal.
She has another 4 weeks till her meds kick in properly so even though i havent heard anything from her for a week im going to have to see if there are any changes in her by then and to see if she acknowledges the hurt that she is causing. At this point i really want to leave her but cant let go
I am sorry , I know exactly how you are felling , I love my ex so much , I cannot give up on him .its so unbearable , did she stay in contact with you now? did she reply texts?
Elizabeth
Uhm, hi whoever reads this. I’ve been in a relationship with a girl that is the love of my life since November 19th of 2014. I always hated the idea of marriage, but when I met her, I wanted to marry her immediately. She has social anxiety and depression, and when I first got to know her, I opened up about my past, (which wasn’t a very good one), and she opened up to me too. Her mom told me she had never opened up to anyone like that. I learned that she harmed herself a lot, and that she hated herself. But I talked to her a lot and she stopped hurting herself for a few months and was doing really well until she got upset again. I made sure not to make her feel like she did something wrong, but I reminded her that I was here for her to talk to where she felt like harming herself. After that things got better again for several months, until her brother in law committed suicide. She fell back into depression, and didn’t even have the will or desire to live. I stayed with her supporting her and trying everything I possibly could to help her, but it’s an ongoing struggle. It got to the point where she expressed no interest in anything and I honestly couldn’t tell if she loved me anymore. She acts like she’s okay, but I know she’s not. Things haven’t really gotten much better and often I find myself so stressed out by the end of the day because I couldn’t do anything to help, I go to bed crying and lay there for hours just wishing things would go my way, asking myself what have I done so wrong that the one I love is taking the punishment? I hate it. I absolutely hate what is happening. She refuses to get professional help, and her mom told me that she doesn’t know what to do either. It’s so hard to find the line between being helpful and not saying something that will upset her and make her ignore me. She’s aware that she’s hurt me, and she knows that it looks like she doesn’t care, and she said she does. It’s really hard to go day to day trying to figure out what I can do. She deserves to be happy and it’s worse that I’ve seen her happy and it’s beautiful to see her like that, yet she’s stuck with this. It’s killing me, but I know it’s killing her more. Please help..
My partners depression is making me soooo weak. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even clean the house and take care of myself. Everything is about him, there is no me. There is only him. I tried everything, he won’t open up to his parents and when people are around he acts normal. When is just the 2 of us. He becomes another person, starts shaking, focusing on the negative, his eyes become dark and he panicks about everything even what is going well. This week in conversations with strangers, he opens up about his problems as if they have the solution, some people are already noticing that he is depressive and I try to cover it for him. I invented this protection blanket for him and left myself out of it. I feel empty, I can’t sleep and I can’t even deliver a good work. Sometimes he is not even in the mood to meet new people, go out, have drink, have dinner it always starts with “we are not staying for 3 hours” “I feel tired, we should go home now” When I stay out until late he panics, thinks I was with somebody else and becomes aggressive, never physically but emotionally he starts abusing me. I pray God helps me. I followed him to a country where I can’t work and with my savings I contribute to the house. He often say is that is not enough but I could not do any interviews because I am home taking care of him. Sometimes he scratches his own skin, starts kicking against things, says he rather die so I feel that I should stay home and take care of him. I am lonely, sexually we do nothing, he is never in the mood and if something happens is once a week or I have to push and beg for sex and a kiss. I am a ghost and depression is winning. He used to be a happy person but now he changed again. It is the second time depression and anxiety attacks out relationship. He has the perfect house, job and family supporting him (my family) he is not giving this energy to his family, but he does not seem to be able to see all the things that are dying around us. I asked him to fight but this fighting spirit only stays for 5 minutes. I am afraid but I know this will not happen to me. I will not have to lay in bed with depression, I pray, visualize and I have faith that he will one day stand up and help himself…..
I am crying as I read your post because this is exactly my situation and I’m not sure if it’s the realization of the situation or relief that I’m not the only one or guilt that I didn’t see this sooner but I wanted you to know that I’m going through the same thing and you’re not alone.
Thank you for letting me know, it feels good to know that we have a lot of fighters around the world. At the moment he is meditating and doing a lot of exercises we are also changing the way we eat, sleep and interact with time. There are 2 medications that I will try in January and hopefully it will work, St. Johns Wort with Ashwaganda. Let´s wait for the results..
I am knee deep in a puddle of my own tears after reading this–my situation is almost identical to yours. I’m exhausted physically and emotionally from taking the brunt of this terrible illness. I’m starting to think that I’m crazy. I just want to be heard. I just want to know that I’m not alone.
you are not crazy, you are just the partner of someone who is depressed and his energy are becoming yours or giving you the feeling that it is to much because your own happy mind wants to fight against it. This is not you so do not give up on you while you are in this relationship. Make sure you come up with a plan to survive and stay happy because you need it and no one not even a depressed partner should transform your life into hell. Good luck!
I felt so relieved reading what you had written because I know I’m not alone. I’m sat here alone, my partner upstairs in bed (after snapping at me), I have a finished beer and a cup of camomile tea. I’m trying to write funny stories about my grandfather for his funeral (he died earlier in the week) but my day has been consumed by my partner and his depression. Telling me how awful he feels. I cannot grieve for my grandfather because I have to support him (I’m now crying). On the day I found out my grandfather was dead my partner tried to break up with me and said a whole raft of hurtful things. I got told in the morning when I got to work and decided to stay so I could distract myself. When I finished I was only allowed a few hours to take in the information and get a cuddle before the focus was back on him. I cancel social appointments and feel drained because I am almost obsessed with how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking and what he might say to me. I have even started to think how easy it would be to drift the car right when driving to work and ending it all, ending the pain and suffering. I want him to stop lying and seek help, not just for his sake but for the sake of my mental health. It’s like being tortured. I have made a mistake in our relationship but he’s not exactly got a halo. Lies, lies and more lies.
You can also play with the word WE to not make him feel bad you can say “we need to go to a therapist to talk about our issues”I feel like I need to. Don´t point fingers and don´t let him feel as if he is the only one suffering with this because its clear that both of you, need someone to talk to. Meanwhile make a plan, it can be a life plan that includes healthy food, exercising together, social days, therapy, change of furniture, small gardening projects, talk groups, photography project and the angry diary friend where you write daily all your plans. It is working for me, hopefully it works for you.
“Everything is about him, there is no me. There is only him.” Thank you for this passage, even though that’s heartbreaking. I feel so understood right now! This is exactly how I’ve felt for the last couple of weeks. And I felt even worse by constantly considering whether I was being selfish, whether I was asking too much, whether I was being dramatic. It’s like you’re giving your own energy and love away meanwhile being starved for anything in return. That’s not the relationship of a couple but rather the kind of relationship a patient and therapist might have, or an employer and an employee. There’s a hierarchy and one person and his/her needs dominates all. I truly hope that you two can find a way out of this and if you can’t, that you’ll be able distance yourself.
Hi Lune, I am still here fighting. The days are very difficult but we are now doing a therapy and I am also taking care of myself so I learn to protect my energy and love to not become depressive after this experience. I asked God to join me, we visit the church every sunday. I see a change but sometimes I see us drawning but this part of my anger I write in my diary, here or in another website.
I (like everyone else on this thread) know what it’s like as well. I’ve been in my relationship for over 3 years now, and it’s been a constant roller coaster of up’s and severe downs.
After three years of learning and dealing and giving, I can’t really say it gets easier. I still haven’t gotten used to the angry episodes where he snaps at me. I still feel like I haven’t figured out the “right things to say.” I still feel intense, overwhelming, mind-gripping fear every time he says he wants to kill himself. I still haven’t figured out how to keep him from being unrealistically critical of himself. I still find myself not wanting to leave him alone during “bad days” for fear that I might not be there to save him. He is currently lying in bed, blaming himself for something, feeling suicidal and angry at me for “not understanding.” Though this is happened before, I still cannot get used to it.
But then I wonder if we are ever supposed to get used to these things…
Rather, I’ve learned to take comfort in the fact that this is a cycle. No matter how bad the “down” is, I can look forward to an “up.” I’ve opened up to my friends and family about what I go through, and his friends are aware too. So I feel a little less pressured to have to “hold it together” on my own. I’ve learned what triggers him to get worse during an argument, so I can do my best to avoid that.
In this moment I feel fear, regret, anxiety, guilt. I don’t think we can ever get rid of these feelings completely. I am still composed though (which is relatively new). And I have some hope that he will pull out of this soon (which is also new). So I tell myself that it’s getting better…
I love him dearly, and remind him of that. I do think that we face a battle that many others don’t know exist. I wish I knew the answer to help us through the pain and struggles we go through as people who love someone with depression. I think it takes a lot of time to figure out though…
Wow your opening 4 lines have been my life for 6 years now. I am so tired. I remember having fun. Kind of. Everyone says it eventually gets better. I’m not so sure. Yes we are not at rock bottom anymore, but so much damage has been done that I don’t think we will ever see where we were.
I also remember the fun I had when I was alone. While he is working or away do have fun with yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself, Breath for you, survive for you and him if you think this ove is worth it. The damage you can learn to understand in therapy or here with us. Have hope and faith and the rest will follow, even thought its difficult. When it is killing you, you will know is time to go.
Than you for the responses it feels less lonely and for me it is a wake up call, to not let myself die and pump all I have into something that I will not manage to resolve alone. I would like to update you. Yesterday I decided to agree on whatever life was giving me as the love of my life as long as this person makes me happy when they have control of their own thought. I decided to accept that for now, I am still strong enough to stay and fight with him. I don´t believe that our love is the cure but the love of God and me should at least help him survive the thoughts that convince him that he should die. As his partner, I am not taking care of me how I used to. When he goes to work I have at least 10 hours of me time, I clean, cook and do all the administration in the house and organise our workers because he is too afraid to demand from them respect. although I feel like the main house, in the 10 hours I have for myeself sometimes I get up, close my eyes and dance with myself, I meditate, sing, do things to remind me that in the little things that are still left in my life I can find happy moments and that is my injection to cope with the stress he will come home with. Although depression is considered a selfish sickness it is a sickness that makes the happy partner feel more selfish if the happy partner thinks about ending the relationship or just being happy without following the feeling of a depressed partner. My days go very fast, to keep up with my intelligence I get lost in books, website but unfortunately there is no adventure in them because the books I used to read when I was single make me feel bad as I feel that as long as I stay my time should be about him, focusing on his needs, desires and feelings. We have a lot of down moments it is difficult to not want to slap him sometimes because the most simple things are becoming a problem for him. Around 4 am he wakes me up and than we both should not sleep until he finds peace. His mind produces different movies where he is the bad character and everybody is busy hating him, not liking him or just putting him down. I am young, full of life and smart but this man is eating all I managed to become and today sometimes I find myself in bed just watching movies and not in the mood to do anything because I envy every moment we had of happynes, as they come and stay for a few days and soon the are just a short memory of my days with him. I found different medications that I will now try to use, we are slowly becoming vegetarians and sometimes he wants to fight this sickness so bad that he reminds me why I should never give up on him. Despite his insecurties, depression and stress I can still make a list of happy moments with him and all those moments are enough to keep our love fighting. In the end I think that we all deserve a good, healthy, lovely partner but sometimes those challenges come because God or just the universe know to who they are handling to. I am a strong person, happy, always inspiring others and very positive. If I look at my life in the past, alone I did everything I wanted to do, backpacking, dancing, falling in love with the wrong man, studying, working for big companies and all the stuff that we think counts to say we have a successful life. So I think today, God knows, God knows he needs me to take care of this child as I am a strong lover and he knows I believe this is the last man I will love in my whole life. I chose to accept this challenge and meanwhile I will create little soldiers to not forget who I am. My dears, lets read about it, change our lifestyles and who knows we are able to make our partners survive for years full of happiness. God bless, Andy.
I am so glad I found this page. This year has been very difficult as my boyfriend came home one night in February after work and asked me for help. I had no idea what he was talking about…he then went on to tell me he had several thoughts that were taking him over. He also shared that he was feeling suicidal. The next morning I checked him into the hospital and he was inpatient for 2 weeks. He was diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD and OCD. He was given way too much medication and when he was released he was over medicated which meant I had to take a lot of time off of work. He went two months with no pay, but had medical leave. Finally he went back to work with a night shift which did not help. By the end of June he was back in the hospital for a week and a half. Two weeks later, the worst of the worst happened. I woke up with him not next to me. He had attempted suicide. That morning I checked him into a hospital which this stay now lasted three weeks. He had to have several ECT treatments to take him out of the deep depression. He then did a month of outpatient therapy which then landed him back in the hospital, which is where he currently is.
Is this going to be the rest of his life? I have still supported him but because of financial reasons we had to move from our apartment and live separately. I would love to keep our relationship, but I feel his family is pushing me away. I feel like they think I caused all of this…which is absurd. Do I hang in there for him or call it quits? He’s so easily influenced because he doesn’t have energy …whoever is around him is who he listens to. We were going to get engaged this year and start our life together. I am just so heartbroken and don’t want to make it look like I gave up on him. I did everything I could possibly do for him and more. I can’t keep fighting against his family who are in denial. What will happen to him?? So sad and scared of what the future will bring.
Anyone have a similar experience? What did you do?
Hi Angela,
Blessed ur heart brave sister 🙂 reading what ur going breaks my heart. Its a familiar feeling of the man we love, lost and tired of life for whatever reason we cant understand. You’re doing the right thing supporting him all through this, God is with u and dont give up. What keeps me going dealing with my depressed fiance is the thought that what if what hes going through happened to me, I know he will not leave me behind coz he loves me. Its good he reaches out on u coz that only means he trust u and u r his strength and confidant. God’s love is powerful than our love so lift it all up to him and pray. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too and have some space if u needed and feels tired of going through this ordeal. It is never easy but all I can say is you r doing a good job. Hang in there sweet soul. Pray for guidance that when ur heart feels tired and you cant take it anymore then its ok to let go. Its sad that his family have no understanding on what hes going through now. In my case my fiances mom always advise me to be patient and that her son needs reassurance all the time now. I will be praying for u Angela and ur boyfriend.
XOXO ~R
I saw these words today and i think it is worth sharing… xoxo
“It’s interesting that the word “depressed” is spoken phonetically as “deep rest”. We can view depression not as a mental illness, but on a deeper level, as a profound (and very misunderstood) state of deep rest, entered into when we are completely exhausted by the weight of our own (false) story of ourselves. It is an unconscious loss of interest in the second-hand – a longing to ‘die’ TO THE FALSE … It’s amazing what can evolve naturally when depression and the desire for suicide (which is the desire for the deep rest of yourself) are truly honored, met, embraced, held, and you do not flinch from pain or turn away from it. It’s amazing what can happen when you actively listen to the one in front of you from a loving place of non-judgemental acceptance, trusting the intelligence of life itself, and allowing the divine and loving suicide of awakening to weave its mysterious magic.”
– Jeff Foster, Life Without a Centre
Hi, I’m 20 and have been reading this feed for a while. My boyfriend was bullied as a child for years and his experiences really had a lasting effect on him, we’ve been together a year and only in the last couple of months its become clear that his ‘positive persona’ has been masking his depression and very low self esteem, I knew something wasn’t right but he held things together very well and insisted he was okay. In the last 2 months, it has become too much for him and after a conversation, he opened up and admitted he was depressed. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me, his voice has no intonation anymore and when I ask him about his day, he makes up things he’s done and later on admits he’s hasn’t. The other day he sent me an article about the link between suicide and depression and I just broke down, it just broke my heart that he could have suicidal thoughts and he insists he doesn’t but it brought the seriousness of the situation into sharp focus and I realised we have to do something.
We ordered self help books together and last night I managed to persuade him to submit a counselling request but he won’t get an appointment for over a month so I’m really hoping that between now and then with support from me and the books we can keep at this level or even make some good changes while we wait.
He blames everything on himself, he doesn’t have the energy to get up, he feels guilty and responsible for everyone else’s problems and he can’t recognise negative thoughts about being worthless and pathetic because he fully embraces and believes them. I love him so much, he is a wonderful, selfless, intelligent and gentle person and I’m scared about his future, I want to try and help him and reassure before it gets worse but I’m scared my advice might make him worse, I’m just following my intuition and some research from online but I don’t even know if I should be giving advice at all or just letting him be and being there and I’ve asked what he wants but he doesn’t know. Also today we hit a problem as the books he has contradict each other in their approach and it upset him and confused him and he got upset because he just didn’t know which to do. I said lets try everything but it was a set back in his motivation to give it a go.
I suffer from health anxiety myself but have got it under control and understand and recognise it and have learnt to deal with it for the most part. He was wonderfully supportive while I figured things out and I just want to do the exact same for him.
Its hard helping him when it’s over Skype and I can’t hug him when he’s down which really seems to help. he says that being with me makes him feel better and when we’re together he does seem happy and he is loving which I’m so grateful for. But at the same time I want his happiness to come from himself and not just me, because to be truly happy, it needs to come from him and he deserves so much to know how amazing he is for himself. Also, I don’t want our relationship to not be real and just be a safety net for him. I’d never leave him and I’d never not be there for him but he needs the confidence in himself and it seems so hard to imagine that right now. but reading these posts has given me hope for us. its nice to know that other people have come out the other side with their loved one 🙂
It is draining and confusing and I’m not sure whether its right for me to confide in a close friend for advice or whether thats a breach of my trust because he wouldn’t want other people to know. But it is very isolating being the only person other than him who knows whats going on. I have a very close friend who has suffered from depression and want to seek advice from her but i don’t want to seem to be ‘going behind his back’ because I know if i asked him he’d say no.
Hi Ellie7 🙂
Lemme give u a hug full of strength and patience 🙂
Ive been opening how feel here for the last months and just hang in there it’ll get better. Just like u I wanted to do everything so I can give all the support I can to my fiance when I first found out he has depression. I tried offering solutions that I can think of. First to be a good caregiver to our depressed partner YOU need to gather yourself together. You have to try to approach everything in a relax and positive manner no matter how much it hurts inside. Cry if u need to but not infront of ur partner. As much as possible dont offer solution rather offer understanding and love and that u are in this together that u believe in him alot. I have dealt with my fiance w depression for 5 months and so far as of this 6month he is getting calmer and we r getting ok now, all i did was show him love, patience and space when he needs it. I take care of myself to make sure I can give those to him positively. Just last weekend was the first time I hear my fiance laugh and giggle with me again after 5 months of being distant and grumpy and tired and depressed. When I dont know what to do, I cry on my own and pray for guidance. I always have in mind that Gods love is greater than any of our love and he will heal the mind and hearts of our beloved. Pray and get some space too for yourself if needed and ur feeling confuse and tired dealing with it. There’s hope so dont give up easy rather fight for the man u love. Me and my fiance are on the path of recovery now and i believe in him alot that he can be strong again and he is slowly gettinn back himself together 🙂 One thing that made me going is knowing I know how much he loves me and we stick with our beloved thru better or for worse but dont forget urself too. If u feel it in ur heart its time to let go then let go. Love is always sacrifice. Lift it all up to God… he will get u through it.. he helped me and after the storm i feeo the calmness now and i dont know what the future holds but im happy sticking w my fiance thru better or for worse..
im here if u need someone to talk to.
xoxo ~R
God is so good. Today after work Ive been crying and feeling so sad and I cried and prayed at the same time that I dont know anymore what to do w my depressed fiance. After a few minutes I got a call from him and I listened. He said that he’s sorry and that he loves me so much. Its been months that hes been distant and down and sometimes grumpy. Today is a happy day coz there’s hope we just dont stop believing. God’s love and our love can heal our partners. Keep going strong 🙂 xoxo
Love ya, cavewoman. Thanks
Happy for you and sending positive energy your way! It is difficult but you (we) can do this. My story is not different than yours. I often feel hopeless but a list of why I should stay helps me not give up and sometimes while praying I see us happy again. That is important!
Hi Andy,
I wrote that my fiance have been ok lately already still he has those distant moods. Like this weekend, I havent heard from him and I wanted to call him or write him but something in me also thinks he may need this space. My heart feels sad and I feel drained for few days now, emotionally,mentally,physically so now he hasnt tak to me in 2 days I think i needed the space too. I wanna keep my faith that he is on the road to recovery at the same time that I give him my 100% support. Its not easy and breaks my heart. I started writing a journal and somehow it is where i put how i feel. I hope theres an end to our nightmares, its so hard to keep sane dealing with our depress partner. I just keep praying i get more strength to hold on.
xoxo,
~R
You write in your post:
“But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me…”
Can you talk about what that looked/looks like? How does she do that?
Thank you for this blog…it is very helpful
I need the same answers, Melissa! My partner can tell that my mind is somewhere else and my mood is not as happy as usual around her but I can’t tell her it’s because I feel like I always need to walk on eggshells not to upset her, worried about her & her feelings, and frustrated that she asked for help and talks about needing help – but yet no doctor appointment has been made! I have been on medication a few months for depression so she sees that I have had success in getting my life back on track but it’s not enough to push her to go to a doctor. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to get better ASAP. since she’s seen me depressed, she knows what it’s like to be on the other side of it as well…she took care of me in that awful time and I owe her the same love and respect but I feel as if I did my job and got help and got better.. Everyday that she doesn’t go to a doctor I get a little more distant because I’m so frustrated and I don’t know how long I can go on feeling more like a caretaker than a partner.
I have been dealing with a depressed boyfriend for quite some time. He is not the fun, loving person I first started dating. He has been seeking therapy for many months and put on medication. Despite all of this he has still suffered, granted it has not been as bad. He has told me that he was feeling better and that everything was helping but I guess this was not the case considering a month ago he stopped taking his medication and began abusing painkillers (which he previously confessed in abusing a year ago) all without me knowing. During this month he shut me out and went days without speaking to me. Then he went 5 days without speaking to me at all and then when I finally heard from him he told me about the drugs and being further depressed and that he was going to an inpatient facility to seek help and was leaving the next day. I live in a different state so I really did not have any time to process this information. He will be gone a month, and he has already been gone a few weeks. I am glad he is getting help but all I can think about is for how long will feeling better last before it goes down hill again. I am in my early 20s and cant help but think how I’m wasting my time and fear about going through this all again. I also can’t get over the fact that I am dating someone who abuses drugs, I am very against that and we have already been through this a year ago, in which I forgave him and he said it was just a few times. He’s also said how if I did not want to be with him anymore then he was not going to seek help, so if I end the relationship I can’t imagine what is going to happen to his depression and what he will do. I should be more supportive in this time but I am very angry about the drug abuse and that is not something I’m willing to tolerate. I am not allowed to talk to anyone about the drug abuse so as far as anyone else knows he is just seeking help for depression. Everyone else thinks I should be more supportive and have sympathy but the drug abuse has really turned me off and I cannot look at him the same way. Any advice would be helpful.
Hi,
If u have already talked to him about his drug use that u dont want him doing that and he still does then leaving him is just a sacrifice. Love is always sacrifice. It is between u and him who knows whats really going on and u dont need to explain to people around u. It is already worse that hes going thru depression but doing drugs.. makes it even worse. If hes willing to really be better then going to treatment is the way to do it… Dont forget to take care of yourself, pray for guidance, have the acceptance that if your heart feels you need to let go then let go but if not then try to be more patient coz love for this depress person requires patience and lots of em. Gods love is more powerful than our love so believe that they will be healed.
xoxo,
cavewoman
l tried reaching out to my fiance and this is what he wrote me today…
I want to talk, but I have so little hope now. I can not be a good partner now…financially, or emotionally. I feel like a failure. I am sorry for making you hurt, but I am so scared to tell you I am broken. I never saw my life going like this. I had such high hopes, but I feel like a failure now…period. I love you, but I know you deserve so much more, but I am ashamed to talk to you, and afraid to hurt you more. You are the truest, and best person to ever be in my life, and I feel like everything went up in smoke, because I failed you. I failed us. I will respect, and honor, and always love you, no matter what happens, but I have changed. I am no longer strong and confident about myself, or my ability to be a good partner and provider.
Im at the verge of giving us up and this is what I replied to his message;
I dont really care if we dont have everything hon, you are my everything and you matter most to me. I love u so much.
I dont know where I will go from here and I dont really understand. It feels like a nightmare and Im not even sleeping… All I can do is pray and pray and pray and let God heal the heart he gave me… and heal my man’s mind and heart too w peace. I hope my fiance feels strong again and his depression goes away.
Kudos for being supportive during his time of need!
Some people give up. Just shows how much love you have for your fiance.
I’m proud of you!
– Fellow depressed person
Thanks Rummy!
It is definitely not easy and sometimes I feel lost. People around me keep telling me to move on, one time hes kinda ranting abt his financial bout at work and he said that thinking abt taking care of a family is like believing in magic. He also told me to forget about him after i told him that we should be in this together and we should keep going coz its not the end of the world. I dont know anymore the right words to say and sometimes i lose it but after he tells me “forget abt him” I ended up w the response again that we r in this together and that i love him so much and that he was able to get passed this before (he got divorced 6 yrs ago and almost lived in a car paying debts of his exwife) I told him I know he can get pass it again. I feel lost myself but i am trying to keep going and be strong still and always be there for him. I always pray that may God give me the guidance and strength in everything.
Great job. Actually his response is more than I ever got for my partner. I used to be active on this page a year ago. My boyfriend of four years went through a serious bout of depression and left me. I didn’t get near the hopeful message you got from your fiancé. So I know many people say run and get out now. I don’t. I stayed. I contacted him every once in awhile. A text. A call two weeks later. I didn’t contact him A ton during the 13 months he was gone but I definitely stayed in touch. I sometimes got a response. Sometimes ignored. Sometimes he was grateful. Sometimes he asked me to give up on him. I wouldn’t. I once sent him a box with skips of paper in them describing the things I loved about him. To remind him of who he was. Like. You’re the best dad and write notes in lunch boxes. He cried when he got it and read them all in one sitting.
He came back. We’ve been back together over s year now. It wasn’t easy repairing but we are closer now. Happier. And after two years he had finally started to feel better and less depressed.
Everyone told me to give up on him. I’m glad I didn’t listen.
SP
Hi SP,
You are such an angel to me now. I saw your response in my email and just exactly the reminder and kind of words i need now. I am encountering the same now that people around me tells me to move on. I always tell them if the person u love is at the worst time of his life that what i have to do is to love him more inspite of the confusion and heartbreaks I feel now from whats going on to him amd to us. I know Gods love is more powerful than my love and he will heal him and thats what he needs now. Its just so hard when people around u dont really understand. My fiance is a good man and i know he loves me coz he made me felt it during the time he was feeling ok and not a failure. He is always sorry that he fail us and he fail me. I always let him know its no ones fault and i know if he has the choice he wanted the best for us all the time. I hope I get to have the courage u had SP… thats what I need most now and I am really trying bcoz i love him so much.
I sometimes give him the space he needs no matter how sad it makes me feel and i cry all the time but i know somehow it helps him coz after awhile he gets to open up w me, little by little. One of my friend tells me today that Ibjust continue to love and support him and be patient coz great man always have a way to get back and i know he can. Thanks SP and I appreciate u sharing ur experience with me and I will learn from it and try it too. May God always bless u both and healing for everyone whos undergoing this nightmare.
xoxo
cavewoman
I am hoping that this site and your words will help me. My girlfriend is going through a very nasty custody battle with her ex and is suffering from depression and anxiety. She has completely changed and says that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now because she has no emotions except for her child. We were so in love and everything was going in the right directions. What should I do now? Should I walk away because that’s what she says she wants or should I stay and continue fighting for this once in a lifetime love? Help!!!
Hi Kc, I think the best is give her the space she needs. It doesn’t mean when we give the person we love the space that we have to give em up. You can love her by giving her the space to do what she wants to focus on now wc is her kid. Love is always sacrifice. Tell her when you get the chance to talk that you respect her wanting to be alone for her needs to focus on her kid and that you are there for her no matter what and that u love her. My friend once tells me that as i give my fiance the space I should use the time to take care of myself and that’s what I did. Sometimes giving space will help both of you to have a better understanding of everything. Me and my fiance have that calmness now when we talk and I still continue to give him the space he needs when I feel like he needs it and hes not ready to talk. I use the time to do some things like exercise or spend time w my friends and family and we just keep going. Pray for guidance is what helps me alot. Listen to your heart and what you feel is good and only let go when your heart feels so. Wish u all the best.
xoxo
I found this site thanks to another one and I am so thankful i have! Everything seems to e aimed at people with depression and nothing really for their partners so coming here and seeing there are many others in my place is refreshing and actually brings me some hope!
After reading an hour straight your comments I can only send you all strenght and hope. I will try to make this brief, I just need to voice it out altho I know Im not in such a critical condition as some friends here.
Im in my 20’s, so is my GF. We met at collage and I just finished my last semester, she quit as she wasnt enjoying it, she started in a different area and skipped education and went straight to a work opportunity she had in that field. She has been diagnosed with depression, and she has been medicated but she dropped it a few months ago (the pills are being scarse in our country, 3rd world). She has seen a therapist but not reguraly, they have like a family therapist and her mom is on Prozac too, her little brother has some degree of Asperger so this therapist has been threating the whole family. Anyways, my concern is, we are planning to move out the next year, as our country is in a very bad situation right now. Our plan was to work and learn as much till next year so we could save some and have some job opportunities, however she now feels tired and unhappy with her current field, stressed all the time and overall depressed about it. Our relationship is great, we have been together for 2 years and she have been throu few depressing episodes, but not when shes with me and usually is just for a day or two at most. My issue is Im feeling too anxtious regarding our future, I dont know if its gonna get worse, If she wont find a proper carreer or path and Ill have to burden the weight of us moving to a different country and pay the bills by my own. Specially as Im in my early 20’s and I hate to be this selfish but I just cant stop thinking about how my whole life is ahead of me, and I dont know if I should give it a shot and see how it goes if we finally move to another country and together (we dont live together right now), or end it right now before it gets messy, and after reading so many comments about how it gets worst, but at the same so many comments that makes this seem as a minor problem, Im just not sure anymore.
When she gets this episodes, she usually talks about how unsure she is about everything but me, that Im all that is sure for her in her life and its the only thing that she knows she wants, and shes usually tired and unmotivated about everything, but mostly work/carreer/responsabilities.
I will be married for eight years next week. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety. We have two boys, 6 and 7.
My wife and I met in November 2006. Within three months of meeting, she became pregnant. We were married in July 2006– eight months after we met. She gave birth to our first child in November 2007. Within a few months, she was pregnant with our second child, to whom she gave birth in December 2008.
Shortly after giving birth to our second child, she began to suffer from a debilitating postpartum depression, that culminated with a short admission into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. The hospitalization was a horrible experience for her, and while the depression has remained since then (not approaching seven years), she will not consider in patient treatment.
Her depression and anxiety has impacted our children, who, at 6 and 7, are still not potty trained. She remains at home with the children. She exhibits great anxiety over them, and cannot deal with any conflict involving them, so when they opposed potty training, she did not remain firm. Likewise, when I tried to be firm in the training, she would become anxious, so I did not push the issue out of concern for exacerbating her anxiety. I would like to say that in hindsight I recognize that this was a mistake on my part (which I believe to be the case), but I have not learned anything, as I continue to allow her depression and anxiety– and how my actions may impact her– trump everything else in the house.
At this point, our relationship is essentially that of two strangers living together. There’s no affection, and has not been for a a very long time. We are to the point where we barely speak, and there is barely eye contact. Compounding the problem is the fact that I am a divorce attorney by trade, so I spend my days dealing with married couples fighting and separating for problems that are, in some instances, similar to mine. I could not see myself leaving because of our children, but if I am to be honest, our children are the only reason I am still here.
I find myself bouncing back and forth between walking on eggshells so as not to upset her and being very angry because her depression has consumed our family. I am so overwhelmed with despair and resentment. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling hate. I hate not having hope.
Scott,
The hopelessness in your post resonated with me. It seems this site is good at letting people get some very troubling issues off their chests. I hope you are able to find some peace at home. Maybe through regular counseling for both you and your wife?
Dave
as a child of divorce I want to tell you that “staying together for the kids” might not be the best approach. Kids notice more than you know. And what they see and learn now will be the foundation for their future relationships… what do you want them to learn about love/partnership/etc? I understand that this decision is based entirely on love for your children, but it COULD (not saying it definitely will) potentially do more long-term psychological harm than good. Take care, Scott! and good luck. Best wishes
I’m reading these comments and feeling a little better about my current situation but at the same time i am still questioning if it is me or his illness that is to blame.
We’ve been together for 18 years and have 4 children aged 6, 8, 10 and 12. I can’t remember how long he has been diagnosed with depression – years and years and probably years before he went to the doctors and was diagnosed. In fact i’m struggling to remember a time when he was happy and well.
He takes medication but has been on the same dose for a very long time. He had counselling over the phone but this seemed largely ineffective. More recently he has become even more withdrawn; sex and effection is long gone but he now seems really distant too. He has no friends, barely sees his family and hates his job. Money problems and 2 challenging children have added to things.
I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t want me and doesn’t want the children. He is snappy and intolerant of the kids to the point where i have to jump to defend them in order to protect their emotional walfare. He won’t acknowledge the depression is getting worse and won’t go back to the doctors. I just don’t think i can carry on. I try to speak to him about it but he turns the blame to me; apparently it’s my fault he’s like he is because i moan and am demanding. I’m starting to doubt myself.
Part of me wants it over. I want him to leave but he won’t. I can’t leave as i have nowhere to go with the kids. The other part of me wants it to change and us all to be happy but i don’t know if this will ever be. And so i’m stuck…. in a loveless marriage with a man who i barely know and increasingly dislike. I can feel i myself may be on the edge but when i’m at work or (i was going to say ‘out’ but i too no longer have friends), i am fine. There is no answer. There is no end. There is no hope.
I feel very similar. Years together and I’m married to a stranger, a shell of the man in married. I miss him and can’t help him.
Tia, you are so not alone. In fact, when I read your post, I started crying—it sounds like my story. 18 years. He doesn’t participate in life. He withdrew from friends, dislikes his family, hates his job, has money problems, challenging children, shows no affection. I miss the man I married, and I feel helpless because I can’t get him to go for help. He’s angry and irritable and hates everything. I try to keep things stable and smooth for the kids’ sake, but now I’m starting blame myself, wondering if my patience and coping has enabled him to stay stuck. After this long, depression is almost the norm, he says this is “his lot in life” and there’s nothing he can do to change; I think he’s forgotten what joy feels like. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. Part of me wants to leave and get out from under the dark cloud, but the other part of me wants to help him—even though I haven’t seen “that” man for a long time, I know how wonderful he can be and I miss him. Sometimes I wonder if depression is contagious. It seeps in and not only affects him, but those of us who love him most. Tia, I’m sending heartfelt caring thoughts. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this too. Wishing you peace, and a solution. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not your fault. You deserve happiness.
The comments shared by many are very similar to the experiences I am having with my wife who has severe depression and anxiety. I’m told not to blame her but blame the disease and this was a real hard adjustment because there is so little resources and information to providing those like myself to how we can support those we love. We been together almost 30 years but married for 22 years and have 4 kids two of them being teenagers. It’s hard trying to keep them living a normal life and to be happy when we have to or struggle to making my wife and the kids mom happy. She has lost motivation to do anything and cutting down on her social skills only attention functions where it’s for our kids like school events.
I still love her but am coming to terms knowing I am approaching 50 next year and she is 45 so does this mean coping with this disease for another 30-40 years? Going to be real tough but am always sticking into my mind it isn’t her fault it’s the disease – depression and anxiety that is to be blamed!
I am so thankful to have found this site.
I’ll keep my story short and to the point. I met my fiancé about 3 years ago and everything has been so great up until about 6 weeks ago. Suddenly she seemed withdrawn and distant. I thought maybe I’m not being as attentive to her as I did. So I started doing things a lot more often like buying her flowers and surprising her with her favorite dinners and things like that. I noticed that she seemed to withdraw even more and finally asked flat out what was going on. She broke down crying and kept saying she didn’t know she was just numb. She really had no strong feelings about anything anymore including me. She just wants to sleep anytime she’s not working and she started drinking a lot more than she did. ( from 1-2 drinks per week to 2-3 per night) I ended up talking to her mother about it and she informed me that her mother had serious depression issues.
This is extremely fresh the confrontation was 2 days ago. She has a doctors appointment in 2 days so I’m hoping that helps. I’m just so stressed about it and have only been thinking of her feelings and not my own. I realize a lot of you have delt with this for years and I can’t imagine the hell you have been through. I want to help and not make things worse. Sometimes I feel it would be easier for her if I let her leave me but I feel like I would be abondoning her if I did. I love her so much it kills me to think of her in pain.
Sorry I said it would be short but I got carried away.
Thanks for any advise folks
Hello Confused, you are where I was about a month-and-a-half ago – the initial shock, the piercing, desperate need to help the depressed partner, to make it better, to get the real them back and take their pain away. But sadly we can’t, only they can.
I think you have done everything you can so far, more than that – but remember it is most likely not that she has fallen out of love, or anything to do with you really, but that she can’t feel anything about anything, everything feels different. My boyfriend says he needs solitude and is trying to keep himself sane, even though he knows that shutting me out and his emotional unavailability hurts me. He is avoiding all confrontation, and all contact, refuses walks and chats, and someone I spent little time apart from now seems fine with 10 days of not seeing me. It’s not a relationship right now, yet we haven’t broken up. All was so wonderful just two months ago.
All the time, through these gruelling past few weeks for me of analysing, agonising, telling him I love him and how he can fight this has exhausted me. He still hasn’t gone to the doctor and won’t let me in to support him. That you girlfriend has presumably gone it s great first step. I hope it has helped.
for me, it has been a living hell and is affecting my health now and I am barely coping to fill my time when not at work. It is becoming harder by the day to separate him from the depression. I keep wanting chats, resolution, but you can’t reason with a depressed person, it is expecting too much. I know that it is his mental health first, relationship to follow. Which of course leaves me waiting and hoping for what will one day pass, but which could take months, even years. I truly believe that we are doomed to repeat what we don’t work through, so no doctor means no recovery and no secure relationship. A lifetime of this recurring is what I face, yet I still can’t let go until he has his reasoning back and starts to be decent towards me again. It is a confused mix of emotions – sorrow, sympathy, frustration, anger, hurt…
All I can to anyone going through this is talk to friends, but remember they may be more black and white about things than you know it is, don’t read too much into texts and don’t look at Facebook if they are putting up a facade and carrying on as normal (on the surface) with everyone else. Their picking the one person they love to exclude shows they do feel for them, it’s just they can’t handle the scary emotional and physical changes that have hit them and a relationship right now. Everyone is different, and you can only help by reiterating that you are there for them. I have spent weeks being quite full on in getting him to see me, resulting in terse exchanges and lashing out via text. It is up to them to take proactive steps, but how long it will take depends on so many things.
Diverting your attention away from the relationship where possible is so important. And take each day as it comes. It will get better, but much like my situation, there are no certainties about how that will happen.
Hi Exhausted, I read ur story and that almost feels like Im the one writing it coz thats just the same with my fiance 🙁 I have no words to describe the pain im going through everyday for being a stranger to someone you love most. Its been more than 3months now and i dont know until when I can be strong and be patient. I sometimes wanna tell him I cant do this anymore and im going crazy but part of me wants to be more patient w him and give him the understanding he needs. Reading here makes me feel Im not alone on this ordeal, I dont know until when I can be patient but all I know is I love him and I just lift it all to God.
So many of us are going through this pain, it is terrible. It has been two months and I need some joy back in my life. Patience is good and kind; but even if my BF does come out of this depression in 2 months’, a year’s time, what’s to stop it from happening again. I have never been so hurt, disappointed and felt so helpless by a situation in my entire life and I am slowly coming around to the fact that if I want a happy, relatively secure life with someone who lets me in to their problems, with whom I am a loving team through ups and downs, it doesn’t look like it can be him. It is devastating, but it is what it is now.
I wish you so much luck and care, cavewoman. At all times look after yourself and know that life will be and should be better.
I feel exhausted too. My boyfriend of 3 years can’t accept my offer of unwavering support, and has not sought help from a doctor/therapist. His former place of employment also recommended it.
He has withdrawn from me in the past and all the time I waited months at a time respecting his need for solitude but occasionally sending him encouraging emails, texts, calls. He never responded.
But when he came back to me, we spoke of marriage and also how we would face adversity together. I thought we were doing well, facing challenges head on as he was unjustly terminated from his job in early July and was handling it well. But he started to withdraw from me about 2 weeks ago for a third time,prior to that the irritability set in. And after a very painful conversation, I told him that if we can’t support each other during a crisis (my father was hospitalized at this time, and my boyfriend wasn’t there for me) then we have nothing and I ultimately said goodbye to him. I did reach out to let him know that I am regretful and will always be here for him…but no response.
I have been tormented for the past two weeks, I love him more than he will ever know and am seeking therapy for myself now. My friend’s and family have told me I made a healthy decision to leave him but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I never wanted to say goodbye to him…
Hi CC,
First of all hope ur dad is alright now. 🙂 You have to forgive yourself and let go. You tried and sacrifice already. Love is always sacrifice. You were there when he needed u most and I understand when u felt alone during the time u needed him. Dont feel too bad that hes gone sweetie coz if hes meant to be in ur life he will come back. For now take care of yourself and keep going. Sometimes a little break w everything and space helps u both to recover and start new. Im still trying to be supportive of my depressed fiance and most times I am on my own and I try not to be upset about it instead i use the time to take care of myself even more. Funny my friends compliments me that I look prettier and have that glow and prolly coz I have peace with myself and let God. Pray and he will guide u and be with u all through out. 🙂
xoxo,
cavewoman
Hello,
I’m in the early stages of my partner having depression. I’ve known my partner for 3.5years been together nearly 2 all together.
I always feel like I can’t do it, I can’t be brave anymore but every time I look at him I remember what it was like before and I hold on to that hope. But it has been maybe 5 months now and getting worse. He sees a doctor and counsellor weekly and now he’s on fluxoetine, it hasn’t worked yet have to wait another week to get into his system. Doctors are talking about possible sectioning. Depending how he progresses.
But hes got worse he’s withdrawing, no kissing (only on the forehead sometimes), no hugs, no hand holding, no actual touching! It’s gone to a absolute minimum touch, minimum talk. He doesn’t want to do anything. I’ve seen him cry once and it was about his depression and that’s the only time I’ve ever seen him cry, ever.
He seems normal when in social environments with friends or family, even me a little. Still no touching but he smiles a bit more and engages in conversation. But as soon as we’re alone or back home, it’s gone. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t talk. He just goes on his phone or goes on a walk to clear his head. He barely looks at me.
He barely cooks or cleans it was some what 50/50 now it’s just me and he use to love cooking and cleaning he said its therapeutic for him. He leaves stuff everywhere now, he’s just slowly giving up. He tells me he is numb. He feels nothing for no one and no thing. Even our relationship, he doesn’t know whether he’s happy or sad in general, or whether it feels right or wrong, just nothing. He keeps telling me it’s going to get worse and he won’t make it, he doesn’t know what to make but he knows he doesn’t have much time left. It’s messing up my head. He recently told me he wants to die. He wanted to beg me to kill him. The look on his face was terrifying. He keeps feeling like that. He keeps wanting it to happen just to stop the pain and numbness. He thinks it’s best for him to move out for a while live at his dad’s or friends. He thinks he is hurting/upsetting everyone around him, even me. And it’s true he’s hurting me so much to see him like this I have lost my confidence, socialising, that feeling that you’re beautiful to your partner and other things. It’s just being destroyed.
My work is being affected now, my sleep even eating. I know it sounds selfish but I’m doing my best, my best for him to not know the struggle, trying to make this easier for him. I’m working 2 jobs now to get by he works too but his money just keeps disappearing so I have to pay for food and etc. He’s lost 2 stone in a month he’s 5 pounds heavier then me nd 1 foot taller. He’s a skeleton I can see his ribs, spine even ligaments/muscle joints. I can’t eat in front of him, I’m losing my appetite cause he’ll say he’s not hungry or something and then there’s me munching away feeling like a fat ugly minger.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Sex life is gone. Talking is near enough gone. The only proper time we talk in depth is when we’re just sat up in bed until god knows how long, telling me his feeling of death, pain and numbness feelings for me and everyone else. Don’t get me wrong I’m there for him no matter. I listen. I care. But it’s just getting too much.
I don’t know if someone will response to this or even read it but thank you if you do read this. I feel lost. I feel very alone. And I hate think what’s in my partners head because it’s really scaring me. I feel there maybe a day that will come and he’ll just want to break up (which I’ve already accepted the possibility) but worse if he dies.
I don’t know what to do.
If anyone has anything they want to say.. tips or just talking?
It would be very appreciated.
Jess
I just read your story now it just made me cry! Never responded on one of these sites but im also lost as to what im supposed to do my partner and i have been together 4 seven mths lots of love attention affection kisses texts longing…and now fast 4ward and same as you no talking nasty comments acting like he doesnt care or love me sex when he wants rejecting me when i do which i might add has never happened! I love him so much but he is pushing me away with his words and actions and non responsive to my clconcerns about us and lack of communication….i feel like he is pushing me away yet i know he loves me well i thought he did just really confused tbh..now he has to work 4 days a week from home as of today and i wont have him back here at our home till thursday nights and worried the time away will let him forget bout our love we had..it was only a week ago the guy wanted to marry me now it takes him a few mins to respond to do you still love me with a not so convincing yes! What 2 do??
hi jess,
this is d first tym I m replying to s post but this is just coz u share d same story like mine. Even I feel helpless.My husband is numb. No sex, no talking, not even giving a glance to his 1 year old baby.He says he had very little tym.I do feel helpless .Dont know what to do how to hrlp him and how to help myself.He says u wil giv up on me one day .I feel like crying bt I cant cry infont of him odrwise he gets more depressed . I never want to leave him.I want him to live and I want to live with him.I dont knw whts dere in future for me but I really really feel helpless and all alone very alone.I have no tips for u just a small pray” May God bless u and ur loved one and help u both live a happy life”
You both have a beautiful soul and don’t let this situation you’re dealing with make you forget that.
I’m not a very good Catholic but I still have old habits. And hope can be a very powerful thing.
There’s 2 prayers i think can help you a breather and give you sliht clarity and revavluate what is going on. Please look up The prayers: the serenity prayer and the footprints prayer. My dad would always tell me these when times got tough.
my partner broke up with me. It was actually recommended by his doctors.
Just to pay more attention to himself and not to have any distractions, I understand and have accepted it. It sucks but my happiness is mainly found in others happiness, especially his. We are broken but going with the flow. Awkwardly we live together but I’ve had time to think and I feel that if breaking up can help him, so be it. I hope he’ll find his way back to me, but if not at least I’ll still have my best friend and be happy.
Both of you are strong. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel sad. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.
Be honest to them. I found with my (confusing) partner that the main thing that upset him was everyone seemed to hide things. Instead of say it as it is. I’m not meaning tough love, I just mean tell them what you feel, you are struggling to understand but you’re trying, I find putting a positive after the negative is good. It shouldn’t unset them just make them aware. Of course you know your partners better than anyone, especially me. It’s just a thought.
Thank you for replying.
You are very brave and have warm hearts. Just one step at a time.
Take a deep breath and go with the flow.
Also look up what ‘Anhedonia’ is. It gave me a huge enlightenment i think it can help you too. It’s a medical/psychological chemical linked to depression.
I had a depressing relationship when I was a teenager for about 12 years up until I was in my late 20s It was like my ex boyfriend and his whole in tire family was a drag. It was so awful. It detoryed the way I thought about life. I never knew how psychology actually worked. His whole family used that towards me because I was teenager and was into things. Anyways leaving that relationship was hard I almost thought I was stuck there forever. I finally moved back home my parents wanted to help me which I am thankful for. I allowed my exes and his family move ahead in life but did I? Or did they! Making me fall was there happiness there jealousy that came with that family made me fall hard to the point where I didn’t know where my life was going. I was scared of everything but had the courage to get back up because I have a wonderful family who is happy! I found someone new in my life and I’m in my 30s now. Everything is perfect but the fact I haven’t found the right career yet. I hoping that this will be the last step to perfection in my life. Depression sucks especially if you do not have the right family or people in your life. My new relationship is an awesome one. My thoughts to moving forward in this relationship is not be poor or house poor and always be happy. My family suppose is amazing and moving forward always a pleasure to a new beginning and a new story new book to read old book closed forever! Awesome to say. Remember never use your depression to detory someone else life. I hope these losers never interact or get in the way of my life again. My new life if anything goes wrong never lean back to the people who destroyed you and your thoughts. Everyone moves on that’s the secret about life.
I am so happy to know that am not alone in this..my BF have been together for over a year now..our relationship hasn’t been that easy..he was engaged and called off the wedding to be with me..at that point he found out the fiancé was pregnant. ..a lot of family drama later..we ended up..we still have had a lot of obstacles. .the family hating my guts…the mother to his son constantly going to him for financial assistance because she has no job…In mid April..we came back from a beautiful weekend away for my birthday. ..and a couple of weeks later..I started noticing he wasnt himself. .I could pick up on a few things from him but ignored them…he would be very hurtful towards me when we had a disagreement. ..later on he told me he is going through some things. .he feels he is a bad father because he won’t grow up with his son in the same house…and his family will never accept me…so he doesn’t know how to live with that…and he hates himself. A.and sometimes me because of everything that has happened. . And feels suicidal I asked him to speak to psychologist. .but I don’t know if he will…I don’t know what else to do…I feel hopeless. ..whatever he is going through is affecting so much…I can’t even take care ofmyself cause I am constantly worrying about him..and wanting him to get better. ..
So many stories, so many like my own.
But what if you see no way ahead for your partner and yourself even though they are getting help and medication?
How long is acceptable before you have had enough? You do after all only have one life.
When the help and love is rebuffed and all that is left is indifference and criticism how long do you wait?
Seven months for me now, almost as long as it was good when we met just over a year ago.
Is it wrong to walk away?
No, it is not wrong to walk away, illness although not your partners fault is not yours either and if you partner can not come to the logical conclusion that what’s happening is not only ruining his own life but yours, you should leave, there is nothing preventing the relationship getting back on tracks later on when he is well but relation ships can also have a negative impact of the ill person and maybe he also needs some breathing space.
My husband and I have been together nearly 7 years we recently married in June ,have a house thoughts and have a 3 year old son life was really good so I thought .
Back in December I noticed my husband wasn’t himself snappy and really run down with aches and pains in wrists and knees . I just put it down to his stressful job flu etc ,things started to get worse with his moods and he was very distant from me . So I confronted him about it . This was January . He said that he had been to the doctors about his wrists and also mentioned to him that he was feeling low and depressed .
This was absolutely heartbreaking to hear but glad he opened up to me about things. I reassured my husband that I will be there to support him through this tough time .
Now trying to process everything I later find out he had been messaging a work colleague with them both saying I love you too each other . Obviously I confronted him about it . He was sobbing apologising and told me he didn’t know what was wrong with him. He said that he had helped her through a tough time at work they became friends but it was just message nothing more . he also mentioned to the doctor that he wasn’t sure why he was feeling these things for this women and was ridden with guilt . But he felt he could open up to her about things because she was out of the family circle.
I’m still trying to get over this and I can’t comprehend the things he had said to her as we are so newly married.
Things have been really tense at home with his moods and his constant desire to leave because of the atmosphere.
On the positive side he has signed up to counselling for 10 weeks as he recognises that things aren’t right . But on the first session he told me the counsellor said he not depressed he’s just lonely and unhappy !!! Would they really do that ?..this has left me totally confused and frustrated.
He has also been back to the doctors and is now on anti depressants which he had been for six weeks i know they take a while to work so still holding out hope …..
We are now in June just a few weeks until our first wedding anniversary so much has happened the last few months from sleeping in the spare room to give my husband space moving out to my parents with our son for weeks. He couldn’t attend a family wedding in Scotland as it was too much for him ( he even moved out to his mums 2 days before I left for the wedding ) whilst away he went down to Cornwall to clear his head . He was sending lots if loving texts. Yet when we returned from Scotland he was just the same hostile character he was before we left.
I cannot believe the transition in him since our wedding. I feel like someone has kidnaped my loving , caring devoted husband and best friend and replaced him with a hostile irritable uncaring one.
I do put his depression down to his stressful job which he can never switch off from he has tried to get out but been turned down so much for other jobs . it seems he just takes things out on the relationship which is silly as we were so happy together. He’s completely changed like a flick of a switch . Sometimes I wonder if he is depressed as He seems happy enough when he’s with others . or when we both are around others ( acts ‘normal’and engages with me )
He says things which leave me in total shock too such as he can’t see us growing old together right now . And he has no feeling for me. He feels like he had changed as a person … Then days later he tells me he loves me ! it’s hard not to take this to heart .
I’m very lucky to have friends and family to confide in they have been supportive but are now getting to the point where they want me to leave him and move on. … I just can’t yet despite everything I do believe he has depression even if he’s not sure himself . I know my old husband is in there somewhere .
I’m trying to be so strong for my son and I to get us through this . He still is living at his mums currently but we do keep in contact about or son etc .we decided to do a trail separation but he still asks us to go for dinner with him and keeps in contact . Confusing ?! .
I have started to see a counsellor myself I hope one day my husband will join me so we can work on our marriage even tho he’s so negative at the moment . But I’m going to try and take a step back emotionally and just be a support from the sidelines as living with us is too much for him right now ( easier said than done ) as I feel like I want to be with him contact him as I’m afraid he will get to comfortable at his mums :(it’s hard that I feel so many emotions all at once resentment , love , hope , sadness fear and the future so uncertain ,especially with our son starting school in September we are having to relocate his school under the current circumstances so we are closer to family just incase things don’t work ( even tho I want them too )…..
He is doing all he can to get help so I’m just holding on to that. Hopefully we will come out the other side ( even tho it doesn’t seem like if now ) . I guess the burning question is … Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel ?? Xx
Btw
You’re a very strong person.
Very brave too.
Jess
X
I feel your pain my husband of 22 years changed overnight spent the last 7 months trying to get him to docs. He has questioned our marriage slept with a girl at work 21 years younger than him and rejected our family his daughter stepchildren and grandkids his behaviour has been cruel to the point of being evil towards me. He is now on anti depressants and trying to get his life back on track I’m finding it difficult to forgive him for what he has done. I don’t know where this will go in the future or if we have a future as like yourself I can’t let him treat me badly again I’m stronger now and although I know he is ill it’s his problem and not mine I have my life to live and at the moment I’m totally unhappy with it. It’s early days in his treatment so I will continue to support him but until he shows some remorse for what he has done take me and my family I cannot forgive him I’ll or not. If after 6 months of treatment he hasn’t shown any remorse I will leave the relationship and go my own way as i think by that time I will have invested too much of my life trying to get him back hope things improve with you
My husband and I are both army veterans, and when he got back from Iraq, right before he got out of the army, his depression started. Our 2 years of marriage were hard and I was going through therapy for my own issues and always took my anger, insecurities, and frustration out on him. I didn’t know he was depressed until he attempted suicide after a fight we had. I kept going to therapy and I am doing much better but he seemed to get worse, and attempted suicide and talked about it whenever we fought. He is a strong man, and won’t talk about his feelings or depression with me. He has said that when he looks at me he sees all his failures and things he’s done wrong, and I know it’s because I was cold hearted and mean with the things I said years ago. I have apologized for those things but I can’t take them back, and I still blame myself for his depression. 8 months ago, his depression got so bad that its changed our whole relationship. He won’t touch me or kiss me or hold me, and he barely talks to me and is mean, he is mad at me all the time, and has said that he’s mad at me for everything I put him through years ago. He is so selfish now, he’s not the man I married at all, but I still love him so much. We have a one year old daughter and I’m 8 months pregnant with our son. I want to leave sometimes, but I’m so hopeful that one day we will be the way we used to be. We have always been best friends, and so close, no matter how low either of us got, we were always there for each other. Things are just so bad right now and it’s been going on for so long. I guess I don’t know if I should stick it out because this is out of his control as much as it is mine, or if I should leave. Either way hurts. I hate not knowing what to do.
*correction: our first two years of marriage were hard and I was going to counseling. We’ve been married for 5 1/2 years