Relationships can break down quickly under the impact of depression. While many depressed partners decide to leave for good, I think it’s more common for two people to stay together and try to tough it out. If that’s the situation you’re in, you need more than hope to make a go of it and eventually restore the relationship.
As my wife and I discovered, one of the first things you need to do is learn all over again how to communicate, how to be with each other. If we hadn’t done that, I doubt we could have kept going over the last 25 years.
There are methods that can help you start the process of healing the relationship, but they take a lot of practice and commitment on both sides. If you can stay with them, they’ll help you just as they helped us.
Keep in mind that they won’t solve every problem, and they won’t cure depression. But they can help keep your relationship going while the depressed partner is getting treatment for the illness.
Communicating Goes Beyond Words
A lot of the advice you hear about relating to a depressed partner is all about words. There are countless lists of the helpful things to say, and the things you should never say. The problem is that the words alone don’t express what you mean.
Communication comes from total presence of a person. When you and your partner are talking, you’re much more attuned to facial expressions, physical signs and, above all, the tone of voice than to the bare words. You’re in motion when you try to relate to each other, and you’re both responding to a dozen changes that all the senses are picking up.
In the midst of depression, all those signals you’ve gotten used to either disappear or take on different meanings that block each of you from getting through. The methods we’ve learned help us get behind those signals and better understand what we need from each other.
Everything depends on our working together. That’s the first step, but we couldn’t get started on our own.
Here’s how we got going and what we learned.
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Get Help Together
You may be able to master new skills on your own, but you’ll come to a lot of rough patches. A skilled counselor or therapist can guide you through the early stages and give you exercises to practice. A good professional can also introduce you to techniques you might not otherwise hear about.
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Make the Commitment
It’s important that you agree to work with each other over time. This is not something you can do in 20 minutes a day. You’re trying to learn skills so well that they become second nature. Eventually, you’ll both know when and how to use them without prompting. But that takes a major commitment and a lot of time and practice.
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Find Out What the Triggers Are
One of the best starting points is to discuss what each of you feels and needs, and also to identify the triggering incidents that send you into a tailspin. Julie Fast describes a good method for doing this in Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder
. Each of you lists on paper what you feel in the relationship. When you read these to each other, you’re both likely to discover a lot of misconceptions each of you has had about your partner.
Then you can each list the types of incidents that stir the deepest feelings of anger, hurt or injury. You can’t try to evaluate what your partner is identifying. The point is to be alert to the danger spots so that you can try to keep them from setting off a confrontation.
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Stop the Rush to Judgment
The psychologist Carl Rogers believed that conflict began with our habit of making judgments. We hear an opinion or witness an action, make a quick assumption, pass judgment and react. We’ve worked for a long time with a method to interrupt the process the mind goes through to make the snap judgment. It seems instantaneous, but you can interrupt this sequence.
- First, you perceive something – hear a statement, see a facial expression, catch a glance from your partner. It’s a trigger that starts up the process.
- Next your mind identifies what that perception is and interprets it. You assume you know what it’s meant to communicate.
- Then comes an emotional response. If it’s a sensitive trigger in the context of depression, it’s likely to be negative. You feel angry, hurt, frustrated.
- You form a judgment. You’re being attacked for no reason. Your partner refuses to listen, is angry and is blaming you for something you didn’t do.
- Lastly, you fire back and you’re off to serious argument.
This all happens in a split second, even though your mind is doing something quite complicated. What you can learn to do, after a lot of practice, is to stop the process before making that final judgment and launching an attack. It sounds simple, but it’s hard to do: You have to check out your interpretation with your partner.
You say something like: “Here’s what I just saw, here’s how I’m interpreting it. Am I right? Is that what you meant?” You may find you’ve missed the mark completely – or you may find you were right. But even if you read the message correctly, now you have a chance to probe what’s wrong. It’s amazing how that pause and questioning can stop the escalation of feelings into a fight.
But remember: As we did, you may need to learn the method from a therapist. He guided us in practicing it. And we agreed to work on this every time we felt we were running into trouble. We’ve used this basic tool for a long time, but we can easily forget. Even when that happens, however, we both have the model as a reference point. There’s a good chance that one of us will realize what’s happening and try to take us back to where we went wrong.
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Listen to the Other Side
Once you’ve been able to interrupt the rush to judgment, both of you can listen to one another’s concerns more easily. The hard part is to listen without trying to evaluate or judge. There’s a strong urge to interrupt, criticize, dismiss – all by making those quick judgments you’re trying to be conscious of. The best thing is to listen silently and concentrate on what your partner is saying. They’re describing how they see things, and that’s what you need to understand.
After that, it’s helpful to mirror back what you’ve heard to show that you really do hear what they’re saying. The feeling that you’re being heard and understood is a powerful one in any relationship. It’s an affirming and hopeful experience.
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Be Realistic:
It’s easy to expect too much too soon from any method. You may try it for a while, but have trouble making the new techniques work. That happens with any kind of therapy and with the process of recovery as a whole. The onset of depression has changed everything, and you’re scrambling to make things better.
You need to be patient with yourself and your partner. Give yourselves plenty of time to internalize new ways of relating to each other.
Have you and your partner been able to work on relationship issues while treatment is underway? What are the key problems you’ve tried to work on? Which methods have been most effective?
My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and I are on a “break” and it’s been about two weeks apart (I moved back in with my parents) and I’m not doing well at all. I’ve been depressed for at least the past year and he was diagnosed bipolar as a teen. We both exhibit these problems and I’m seeing a counselor but I’m afraid he won’t because he gave up on therapy when he was younger and doesn’t believe it works on him. I want this to work but I’m scared he wants out. I still love him and it hurts.
I am getting to the point of being so depressed that I can’t even fake a smile anymore. I am a sad wife. I want to be happy with him! I do! But it’s so hard with the things that he says and the things that he does.
I married him after 5 months of knowing him and I know I know! I get enough judgment from it every day from myself and my family. I promised I would marry him and that’s what I did. He is a beautiful man and a very smart one too. He just makes me sad all of the time. When I’m with my family I am the happiest I can be! I wasn’t ready to marry him. I told him twice I wasn’t ready before we did and his reaction was pitiful. I couldn’t stand my ground. His eyes get me every time. That being said, I am married. I want to be happy. So I’m trying to stop this depression before it really start affecting my relationship.
I think we are in similar circumstances. With a really good partner, but struggling in some way or another. It used to be alright. After the first year together felt like we could make things more serious. 2 yrs go by, still ok but haven’t gotten serious. 4 yrs go by we’d been through a lot of fights that I wish now we would have quit then. But 6 1/2 years later, those”issues” we’d had are over, but I’m wiped and the small things aren’t there anymore. Long, deep, noffensive conversations are long over. Long, warm, cuddling in the evening ate no more. I can’t even imagine making love it hurts so bad. I feel betrayed and I have forgiven so many times I want to protect myself and not forgive again. But we’ve been married not even 3 months… I hope it smoothes out for you soon. Seems we’ve”smoothed” things out more than I can count and it never REALLY felt right. Good luck, hang in there, be strong.
I couldn’t have agreed more >>”I feel betrayed and I have forgiven so many times I want to protect myself and not forgive again.”
I’ve suffered on and off with depression for some time. This year has been particularly horrible in terms of things going wrong (deaths of close family members, trouble with neighbours, problems trying to sell a house, illness etc. etc.). The only good thing was meeting my partner in January. The last 6 weeks have been very difficult, I have had major stresses in my life, and started to become very anxious.
I don’t get angry when I’m becoming depressed, I just become very tearful and anxious, and I felt that my partner was finding this hard to deal with. Then yesterday, he texted me to say that he was leaving me, that he couldn’t cope with the stress any more, and that was it.
I feel empty. I so want him back, at least once my head is sorted, but don’t even know if I should be contemplating that.
I am going through the exact thing you are but the other way around I’m a man aged 32 years and my girlfriend is 30 we’ve been together since she was 16 and I was 18 we have a child who is 8. Recently I’ve been in a depression mode it’s lasted probably the last year and a half all of this depression I think came from a acusation that I’ve been involved in some form of fight and I’m being extradited from the U.K. To Spain to face this trial even though I’m innocent it’s been a real amount of pressure to try and clear my name. Me dand my girl have broken up before for 6 months to get ourselves right we both did and when we got bk together we both expressed that life dont seem to be good without each other meaning we missed each other so much we got back moved area then went on a family holiday and I was arrested on arrival to Ibiza this was sept 2015 since then I’ve been feeling like I’m going to loose my family and girl everything that I’ve built up in the last 2 years could get blown out the window because of this accusation I’ve also never been to jail before especially in another country so I’ve delevoped anxiety and depression again I was diagnosed with this the last time she left and now I feel exactly the same. I handed myself in on the 18th of. November she said she will stick by me and be there for me no matter then 4 days later she went to stay with her step mum and stopped being in contact with me once she did she told me I have to pack my stuff and leave she says it’s for her own safety and daughters yet I have not kicked of with her recently anyway we was living a mad life were she would snap at me I wouldn’t no how to handle the situation and do something crazy like throw a mug on the floor smash things and at my very worse I threw a can of air freshener at her but don’t mean to hurt her as I love her so much this cut her elbow she believes were living in a cycle of domestic abuse which I believe is true I want things to change and always have I just don’t no how to control myself I’m that situations even though I’ve had professional help it all seems to have gone out the window it was 2 .5 years ago I was using the techniques I was taught in the beginning and everything was okay but since this arrest I’ve been acting my old ways which she does not like and neither do I she says she has had enough I just gotta give her space bk I’ve packed done everything she has told me to do cause I love her I want answers but no if I ask or put pressure on her things will get worse we are currently working on what we are going to tell our daughter but that’s her choice again as I have really no say her whole family does not want me around or talks to me they no she s harsh at times but this time I believe they think it’s all my fault which is okay I’ve kinda given up no 1 understands that she has depression to and for a long time I think I’ve delvelped anxiety depression either from her or this case or suminc else right now I feel lost but just need to keep it moving and better myself for the better of things I now believe that it’s all my fault how can I not be able to keep the people I love happy around me instead she run off no other men are involved I think the problem relys on me I just want to fix things but I no I can’t what shall I do
Hi all
I was wondering if I may ask for some help.
Essentially, I’m an aspergers syndrome man of 29 years old. I like my own space and me and my girlfriend see a lot of each other,for the most part that wasn’t an issue.
In July my girlfriend and myself had an event happen that kicked in my fight or flight mode (nothing serious but enough to kick in some fear- involving the pill and condoms). I had intrusive thoughts of breaking up after reading a site saying signs you don’t love your girlfriend . Since then I have felt inside pain and pressure- headaches when thinking of/ texting and when near her. However I also feel I love her and want to be with her, now and in the future (admittedly some feeling seem blocked with discomfort)
3 doctors suggested depression, I fear an unconscious issue.
Your thoughts please?
Thanks all
Did you talk about it with her? Did you explain what you’re feeling?
Being on the other side, I know how understanding we can be and how extremely painful it is for us when you don’t share your feelings but we feel something is wrong.
Talk to her, be open about it, don’t make her go through this, nobody deserves that.
It’s great that you’re looking for answers and not just running away from it, I wish my bf did this before leaving.
If you’d like to talk, let me know:)
Hi Adeline
Thanks for your response. Yeah I’ve let her know pretty much from day 1 of the symptoms. I’d imagine some men (possibly your bf) get a fear and vanish.I’m really sorry to hear that he did that though,depression, ambivalence or ocd aren’t the time to play tough man of no emotions. In my case I’ve on and off read psychology and thought something wasn’t quite right, but not so much with the relationship but a more psychological routine element.
How you feeling now?
Hey,
I’m happy to read that you have shared your thoughts and feelings with her. Can’t all men be open about their feelings instead of running away from it?;)
I’m feeling pretty horrible and it’s almost been three months since the break-up. We still talk though and he finally understands something is wrong with him. He denied it for a while.
About your fear and feeling pressure, have you read about attachment styles? Fearful and avoiding? Also schizoid personality disorder that is often mistaken for Asperger. I don’t know if it’s something that you can relate to but maybe worth reading?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years ! It seems my feelings r broken & not really cared for. I know this isn’t the love I feel I deserve but sometimes I think maybe it could be. It feels so wrong like I’m stuck because of all the time n things I’ve gone threw being with her. I don’t know what to do anymore I’ve said n done all I can do n now feel just hopeless I wish there was an answer I could hear or know even if I hide what to do down deep. Someone help please! I need someone to inform me on things I could do or say or w.e. I feel hopeless so please!
She doesn’t know how she feels. But she doesn’t love you. Or in line at least. She’s just a lesson. No harm intended.
in **love — not line
I’ve been in my relationship 3 years. We got engaged about 1 year ago. My fiancé started having doubts about us a few weeks ago. She says she doesn’t know if this is the relationship God wants for her. We went through the same thing a year ago. I gave her some space last year and she called me back and said she wanted a life with me and accepted my proposal. It’s now 1year later and the same thing is happening again. She says something is missing and she doesn’t know what it is. I told her I cannot live like this. I asked her if she would be willing to go to counceling with me. She said she knows something is wrong but she is not ready to talk to anyone. She is a Nurse case manager and she is concerned it will hurt her image. I have moved out because she refuses to get help. I don’t want to give up but I cannot make her get help. What can I do besides just leave her alone?
I need to talk to someone who’s been through a relationship with a person who got depressed and claimed they didn’t love anymore (or feel anything at all). I need help. Could someone contact me, please?
I have been through it numerous times. Feel free to email me.
Hey Bob, I would really love to email you but there’s no email address here (I thought it would be available when clicking on your nick name but it’s not) My email is kariatyda [dot] sm [at] gmail.com
I am going through this also and don’t understand what is going on
whats your email. i really need someone to talk to
My email address is drinkshost [at] gmail [dot] com I also need to talk to some1 who’s going through this I’ve got a depressed ex partner and want her bk but I don’t no what to do what to say she says it over but I love her so much and just want to be able to help b happier she says she need s to do it in her own and I no this is true but she s broken up with me after 14 years we only ever split for 6 months that’s why this time I’m so worried the way she left was weird we was happy I thought the last time I saw her she told me she loved me then 2 days later said she had a breakdown and she s ill and we need to live separate lives she blaming everything on me I now believe this is all my fault I not feeling to good about myself anymore I just need some advice in what shall I do next I’m not contacting her apart from if it’s got suminc to do with our child apart from that I don’t even no what to do about this situation or about myself thankgod I’m not homeless this is now affected my finances and housing in a different way I’m surely depressed myself now and just need some1 to talk to and knowing that other people are going through this kinda assures me I’m not crazy
Did you get help. I am going through that now. I am confused
Jane, landi – I’m still going through it but learning how to deal with it. I got help from people here and depression fallout forum.
If you want to talk to someone, feel free to email me:) (email in a comment above)
Hi,
I know these are some older comments. But I am experiencing the same thing now. Would love to hear how you overcame this situation. My fiancé and I are currently on a “break” because he does not know how he feels and cannot feel love anymore because of depression. If anyone could reach out with advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you
Hey I know i’m young but I helped my mom and dad from the same thing .Take care of yourself .Ask him what is making you sad,what is wrong ? Spend more time with him. Write a song or a paragraph for him. Show him you really care .pls (comment or reply back
Oh my goodness this is touching so many feelings for me ,I have been with my partner for 20 wonderful years but then in October he completely broke down said he was depressed didn’t love me or his kids,hasn’t any interest in anything anymore and constantly breaks down in tears for no apparent reason. I am completely broken and dont know how to help,my job involves supporting others but I feel I can’t even sort my own life out ? I have always been a happy ,strong person but this is making me exhausted,anxious and so very very sad as I cant believe that the precious life and love we had has just gone. The rejection is the worst I feel so destroyed by it all. I have begged him to go and get help but he wont and is adamant I should not tell anyone even our 4 daughters one who is actually a mental health nurse! Sorry I am rattling on but just dont know what to do with him .Thank you for taking the time to read this xx
I have been in this position also been with my husband 24 years 2 years ago he pushed me away for no reason. He was cruel to the pint of evil to me things just went from bad to worse I read a lot about depression I could see exactly what was wrong. I tried everything to get him to docs he went right a the beginning but would not take the antidepressant even though the doc tried to tell him in her own words that he was depressed he wouldn’t believe her and thought that he had just changed he would admit he was stressed and he knew he had changed he said he had become a man. Massive mental health issues on his mothers side of the family but no help from them. After 8 months of sheer hell he cracked and went to docs now on antidepressants been 1 1/2 years in them taken all this time to get some of his old self back don’t think he will ever be the man I married. So please get as many people as possible to try and get him some help from the doctors my problem was he was so normal to everyone that no one believed me. They all do now though. He will only get worse and eventually you will resent him for his bad behaviour. Mine pushed his own children grown up now away said nasty things about them hurt the grandkids feelings stole from his work place slept with a girl at work old enough to be his daughter and treat me complete and utter shit. Was willing to walk away and leave me £58k in debt from a failed business he had and the home we had that he lost in the process. He was a complete nasty piece of work. Although we are still together and I know this is an illness it’s very hard to forgive and forget. So please try get him to the docs as in my story things get worse before they get better
Many thanks Jackie I appreciate your message.Did it make you feel rejected? All things we used to do together or anything I dare suggest he dismisses and refuses to do things with me it’s hurtful,is it the depression talking? He says he only likes his own company ,dont depressed people realise how much hurt they cause just with a single word or look? It’s cruel .I just keep blaming myself but am trying my very best I am exhausted!
I have read the book is he depressed or what by David wexler it’s a really good book which you will probably be able to resonate with many of his actions. Yes I felt rejected I felt unloved. 2 years down the line and he still won’t talk about it. He has never given me a reason why he did what he did just says he can’t remember things. I go to the docs with him each time he blames the way he feels on his job and that he now thinks he can’t do it. It’s a hard one. I think my husband is bipolar he was manic for 8 ninths then depressed but has not been diagnosed as that I also thing he has hyper sexuality a part of the bipolar our sex life was what I would call normal but that all changed also. Keep talking to others in your position as people who don’t know what t depression is like just make assumptions and don’t believe you.if you want to talk my email is jackbantree [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk
Hi, I have a boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year now and he has depression and anxiety. It all stems from the stress his parents and his job put on him. And he usually doesn’t see any point in living. He says he loves me and he makes plans to marry and have children with me someday. But he distances himself from me and he won’t talk to me at times, he just sits in silence and won’t let me help him. I really dont know what to do, I need help with how to deal with this. I love him with all I have but it doesn’t seem to be good enough anymore, I dont know what to do for him or our relationship, I need help
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend whom I fell in love with and have been with for about a year in a half now says he is going to marry me and we are going to build this life together but he tells me he struggles with depression. I’m not sure if he does or doesn’t he has not per say been diagnosed. However, he has very bad self esteem issues though. He says his mind is not like most other people. That he interprets things that people say differently. For the past couple months I have noticed at times when I talk he will just all of a sudden get mad and bite my head off and tell me I need to word things differently, and I shouldn’t assume things. It has become a daily thing lately though and I have tried to stop and think about what I’m going to say and try to ask in different ways. A couple of times it has worked but most of the time he still gets mad and it leads to an big petty argument. Also he says I make him feel bad about himself when I ask if we can do something I want to do. We always stay at his house and do what he wants, but I have been telling him I want to spend time with family and when I ask him to join he gets all upset and basically makes me the bad guy out of the situation. A couple weeks ago he came over and told me I needed to fix somethings, yet doesn’t recognize he needs to work on things too. I’m not sure how to tell him without him getting mad. I love him with all my heart, but I am not sure of what to do I am going to college right now and I want to succeed so I can graduate and us have a good future. I want this relationship to work , I am looking for some advice to help with that. I feel eventually if nothing happens we will just end.
I can relate. I am on his end of the spectrum. I need someone to talk to. I’m at emailsue247 at Gmail dot com.
Youre boyfriend and i are battling the same issues. We don’t feel comfortable in our own body. Mostly because we dont feel like we’re in control. It feels like theres someone else controlling our mind and how we feel and how we interpret things. We dont want to take things the wrong way, thats just how we hear it and then we feel attacked and we react
My husband and I got married Nov, 2015. He admitted to me and his doctors last year that he is Manic Depressive. He has been in and out of depression since I met him in 2014. He went into depression again January 2016. He refuses to go to his counselor or Doctor. I feel like going to file for divorce already.
Hi, I’m hoping to get some clarification on how I’m feeling recently.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 8 months. When we first met, we had an insane connection. Passionate, intellectually stimulating. I was in love. I moved into his place after two months of dating as my living situation was terrible. But what I have noticed is that my depression and anxiety has gotten much much worse since being with him, and I’m not sure if it’s me or if it’s our relationship. There are times when I think to myself that he isn’t the one I want to be with for my whole life, even though he tells me I’m his future wife. It scares me and makes me feel extremely guilty for my thoughts. In the past week I’ve tried to leave him twice but have broken down because I don’t know what to do. I love him dearly, just not sure if I’m IN love with him. He also is trying to help me but it’s taking control of our entire relationship/my life and this is not helping my mental status. I feel like nothing makes me happy anymore, nothing gets me excited. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make me happy or excited either and that is concerning to me. I wanted this relationship to work SO badly but I’m wondering if it’s the end of the road. I’ve been nothing but a pain these past 4 months… My sex drive is gone, my motivation is diminished, I’m not working as I’m truly so depressed. I’m not sure what the answer is here. I tried telling him I wanted to get back into working and he wants me to work for him on my spare time…. Not something I want to do but I’m a people pleaser so I said sure. My parents also don’t like him and I’m working on removing myself from them for my own health but I’m wondering if I have to remove myself from him too? Has anyone dealt with a guilt tripping partner and depression and how did you handle the situation. If I choose to leave again I want it to be final and to remain strong. Any help would be great.
Hi V,
Sorry to hear about your situation. I can so relate to what you are feeling now. I am seeking help too. I have been in and out of depression since teenage but the first time I go to doctor to seek help was last year. And I knew my boyfriend at my workplace. After I knew him, seems like I got a little bit distracted from the stress I got from work. but after I resign three months ago.I found myself extremely lost and I don’t know is my depression or myself made our relationship to be worse. He is nice to me and he wants me to be his future wife too. My parents don’t like him and it just add another stress on top of our unstable relationship. Now, I am just not so sure, I don’t feel love anymore. I know I hurt him a lot by staying away from him, because I just want to be alone and figure this out by myself. but I just feeling lost and don’t know what to do. I want to leave him , because I think this will be the best for him , I don’t want he suffer in this relationship because of me and my depression. But I have not have the courage to break up with him yet. I know I should break up with him as soon as possible , so both of us can move on. But I just feel extremely fear and guilty to break up with him. So V, I think you are right, if you choose to leave him , you have to be firm and don’t change your mind again. Because he will be suffer if you keep changing your mind. ( i am making my boyfriend suffering now because i keep changing my mind, and can not make a firm decision )-: … I hope you could stay strong too to go through this. God bless.
I’m going through the same! I need someone to talk to. Emailsue247 at gmail dot com.
I’m a call worker at a crisis line. I’ve been through all kinds of training and know how to check for risk of self harm/suicide and validate and help move people to a next step. I recently began dating someone with bi-polar disorder, depression, and suicidal ideation. I use all of my traing when they have rough times but every time I validate it seems to hurt more than help and they typically respond along the lines of, “I know what’s wrong with my life”. I just don’t know what to do and I feel helpless knowing that they come to me when they have a rough time but no matter what I do I can’t seem to help them feel anybetter. I try to validate, change topics, ask questions, ect. and I just worry that if I can’t figure this out, it could be damaging to our relationship
I understand where you’re coming from. But it’s so hard. It’s unexplainable. We’re in a lot of pain and don’t know what to do with it. Email me and we can talk more.
Is anybody still on this? I have a problem that i don’t think i can solve and need some more guidance.
Go ahead I’m sure people will see your message
I’ve been suffering from depression my whole life and I’ve been in a relationship of 5 months now which has been wonderful and the best I have felt in possibly my whole life. A week ago I started having panic attacks and crying uncontrollably which had never happened before. My unresolved issues have manifested in self doubt and fear saying that I don’t love my girlfriend and that I don’t want to be with her. I know that this is my depression clouding my thoughts and that I desperately want to be with her but it is getting so hard for me and for her. I don’t want her to leave me but I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. Have other people experienced this? Will we be able to get through it? I just can’t imagine my life without her.
My gf is like you, anxious depressive, and felt like you, she said she never believed in soulmate before me, i was her light, she was crazy about me… but she didn’t deal with her anxiety and 3 years later, due to higher stress at work, she felt in a deep depression and fully rejected me. Please avoid all the pain and deal with it right away, go get therapy and learn ways to cope with anxiety. Work together on it too. Yiu have to try during the time you’re conscious of it and the risks it can affect your life and the person you love. Because unthreated, it’s only a matter of time before it gets worse and you won’t be able to control yourself. Good luck please keep us informed! Your gf is lucky you are acknowledging there is a problem inside you that is messing with your feelings. Best to you both
Hello! How did you deal with your partner pushing you away due to other stressors? What can I do to fix my partner from pushing me away due to other stressers?
Like everyone here I’m essentially going through the same thing….except I can’t help but feel envious of so many of you.
My bf of the past 5 years was also a bright, happy, amazing person who I fell for in highschool but wasn’t able to catch until several years later. The first 2.5 years were the happiest I’ve ever known. Then everything changed. He got a job he hated that overstressed him, and I only learned later that he’d taken himself off meds for depression. He relapsed, and our entire world changed. He went from doctor to doctor, med to med, diagnosis to diagnosis. Nothing worked. Nothing ever worked.
We went through all the same. The anger, the walking on egg shells, the distance, the blame. I was never hot enough, I was never attentive enough (despite basically turning off my entire life, losing all my friends but one, even reducing my work hours JUST to tend to him), our intimacy tanked and he never touches me. Communication is a crapshoot, which I understand because much of his depression cannot be described only felt. I’ve done everything I can to try and be there for him. All my dreams, hopes, aspirations, gone. I am his caretaker, chauffeur, bank account etc. I’ve started going through personal changes as well, yet I can’t experience or expand upon any of my interests because to him they are all stupid. Even before the depression, my hobbies were always ridiculous in his eyes…
The reason I say envious, even though so much is similar, is that my partner has expressed time and time again he does NOT want to get better. He hates his life, he doesn’t want to live like this anymore, but he is even more afraid of getting better. Because if he does then things will be expected of him. He hates society, always has, and does not want to contribute to any of it so he outright refuses to ever work again. His doctor diagnosed him as treatment resistant. Not only because none of the meds he is on or has tried are working (and there have been A LOT), but because he refuses group therapy (for a time he went to 1-on-1 therapy, but it wasn’t worth it anymore when before and after every session he would scream, punch, kick, and have a breakdown over how wrong and useless the therapists are), he refuses extra help, he refuses to even write his feelings on paper or communicate. Any and all treatments posed to him other than medication (just taking pills) is considered a waste of time and not worth the inconvenience. He refuses to the point of meltdown on even the simplest suggestions.
In so many of these stories the depressed partner recognizes and wants the depression to go away. Going to counceling, making efforts…he doesn’t want to make the effort. One of the best way to describe how he feels is this:
“I can’t get get better or make any efforts to stop being sick because I am sick.”
And if not that it becomes
“I don’t want to get better because I don’t want to deal with the life of a well person.”
Even the smallest suggestions such as going outside and standing in the back yard for sunlight and fresh air he says are useless because they will not cure his depression. Yet at the same time, he doesn’t want to be cured! He doesn’t want people to expect things of him, he doesn’t want to contribute to what he considers to be a morally bankrupt society. He hates humanity as a whole and wants no part of it.
I don’t feel like his gf anymore and he’s said he doesn’t feel like I am either. But how can I be when all our time together is spent me trying to force him to eat (he refuses food most times, but will take drinks), or reminding him to take his meds, or basically trying to take care of him. I’m really NOT a girlfriend, I am a caretaker. And it’s tearing me apart inside. I feel selfish saying it, but I’m a very emotionally fragile person. Every day is agony, every day is tears and crying and hoping that he is still the same man underneath yet realizing that if he doesn’t WANT to get better it doesn’t matter.
Now I am effectively stuck and confused and hurt. I thought I would be with him forever. We moved in to his parents house together, we have a cat together. We planned for a future before all of this. Now I am staring down a dark tunnel, and I don’t see a light. He doesn’t see a light. Just more darkness. Just more tunnel. I don’t want to abandon him, but I don’t know if I can continue to be in a romantic relationship. And what hurts most is that I can’t even talk to him about these things. Any mention of problems, or feelings on my end instantly puts him on edge. He will lash out, say that all I am doing is making him feel guilty, get angry, and I don’t want this to be the thing that pushes him over the edge where he actually tries to hurt himself.
It has been years now of treatments not working, of symptoms getting worse and worse. I feel overwhelmed, terrified, trapped, and he feels hopeless, angry, and trapped between not wanting to get better and not wanting to exist. Getting better isn’t even a viable option for him, he doesn’t want to. What can I do? What do I do? Do I continue to help him just as a friend and try to live my own life even if it could mean losing my soul mate and the future I hoped for? Or do I continued to stay in a relationship where he can never be a supportive, loving partner, and may very well continue this cycle of barely holding on to live because he doesn’t want to kill himself or get better? Or should me and his parents force treatment on him? Can we even?
I don’t know anymore. Depression has basically killed us both.
At this point if he refuses all the possible ways to get better, therapy included, if he says he doesn’t want to be a healthy working person, then I would suggest to back off, he’s an adult and he has responsibility towards him and towards you. If he doesn’t want to even try, so why should you? Maybe he needs to hit the rock bottom to start comi’g back up and if he feels that you’re gonna stay around no matter how he is, than its easy for him to keep going like this without trying anymore… he has to realise he can loose you.
Good luck to you! Hope you’re well and taking care of’you and your own needs
I agree with Positive.
Hello my partner of 16 years has just been diagnosed with depression,it started with him losing his job of 13 years with I had was not his fault,too long to go into,then on top if that the next 12 months have been horrendous a run of awful events.
Now I am at the place of he no longer wants to be with me, just like that he has always adored me called me his world,now I have the complete opposite he hates me so it seems , he has only just starting speaking to me after 3 weeks not conversations just yes or no,and yes we are still in the same house to say it is an awful environment is an understatement,but what do you do when you have one person who is so in love with the depressed partner they feel they have no choice but to stay ,there is lots to my story but I have done a brief account .
Your site has been a godsend, I am at the place of what do I do next I had seen changes in my partner before he was diagnoised, ( he is now on medication ) put it down to every day life and stresses wish I had acted sooner ,then we would not be were we are today.staying with my partner,and living day to day, our lives on hold .
Hi I feel your pain my husband of 22 years denied to everyone he had depression for 7 months he turned from a kind caring sensitive man to the exact opposite he was my soulmate. I am struggling to come to terms with what he has done. He has stolen from his workplace and slept with a girl at work same age as his own child. He is in anti depressants now and is much calmer and has admitted he has a problem but it’s so hard for me I like yourself would like him back to his old self but it looks like it’s going to be a hard slog. I dream that one day things will return to normal and I can get out of this nightmare i hope your situation improves soon. The hardest thing is that they seem so normal to everyone else and that makes you question yourself I have had is it me doesn’t he want to be with me why has he changed so much I don’t have the answers and try to just think it’s an illness and it’s not him I call it the alien in his body. I find keeping a diary helps me as I write down all my feelings and that way I get my anger out on paper I feel better also I have had support from family and friends but no one understands really you have to experience it to understand
I too feel my partner is an alien well for now anyway,and I also have a diary,from the partners who is experiencing this awful illness I keep imagining he is in a tunnel and at the end is his light me.
I will never leave him I remember how he was and our memories and our special times through our 16 years we have together he is still in there just a waiting game now I guess.
I think the hardest part is just not having an everyday conversation and being careful what you say my partner is at the angry stage so eggshells I walk on .
And yes it is a nightmare but I like to remember our dream and on our slow road to recovery I hope I figure in the future as we know it is a waiting game , and no one’s knows how it will pan out .
Thank you for the reply .
Depression is a cruel illnesses every day I think maybe today a little different no not at all slowly but surely it also eats away at you .
I want to stay but I think why my partner has not spoke to me for 6 weeks now again his choice I have no where to go so my home is no longer the loving place it used to be now I just sleep here alone.
Well I hope some people in this group are having a bit more of a positive time I am trying and it is very trying but what do you do ??? .
Hi Lynnie,
I have read your post from August 22 and an earlier one in August. I suppose your situation is a bit like mine and I just want to know if you are okay and if anything has changed for you.
Sandra
Hello Sandra ,
Well I stayed an am working on it it will be 12 months this year, my partner is on meds,some days he seems ok, others big black cloud it really is time plus I love him to bits, we are still not the lovely dovey couple we were very much the opposite but I made it my mission to to arm myself with knowledge regarding the depression and it has helped,it is still early days as we know it can take years but I tell myself if you love someone it’s a no brainer, plus it is not my partner he is now someone else in another persons body sometimes I see little glimpses is why I stay and as we know 17 yrs.
Please keep in touch we can communicate some more I will have to read yr posts to get an insight.
Hi Lynnie,
Thanks for the update on your relationship. I will keep in touch. It helps reading and learning about what is happening…working..not working…with others in a similar situation. I haven’t said a great deal about my situation on here. I may be working my way up to it. Not sure. I have been with my partner for 10 years. Looking back on it, I believe his was a slow decent starting about year 2 triggered by very bad choices his two daughters from a previous marriage continue to make for themselves and the subsequent horror and helplessness that he feels.
I know we don’t have that in common but his most recent behaviour towards me and my confusion about that are what you and I have in common.
Thanks for sharing,
Sandra
Hi
I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and in a for the rest of my life relationship. My daughter moved our lives to be with him in June of last year. However I left him just after New year this year and my daughter came with me. I did this because I could not live with his moods, ignorning me for days on end, locking himself away, being mean to me and my daughter who was living with us and is early 20’s and taking out his anger on occasion with the dog and being cruel.
He has been moody ever since I met him but I put that down to the fact that he was going through a divorce and hadnt seen his own daughter because of it, she is also in her twenties.
I also put it down to the fact that he didnt have a job or any friends and he didnt speak to his family anymore due to a family feud and hadnt for a number of years. He lost his mum last June and his father would not allow him to the funeral and his dad has just recently died. He was never diagnosed with depression until Feb 2015, but through the years of being with him and his behaviours I thought it was and when I spoke to him about it, there was never anything wrong…he was fine and didnt need to go to the doctors. My daughter and I lived with his moods and I have lived with tearing myself apart thinking it was me and that he didnt really love me or fancy me which is why he didnt want sex and that as he was older than me, he didnt really want to be with me but he was because he was older he would stay with me as I want all that bad. I always felt that I had done something and dreaded coming home from work as I never knew what mood he was going to be in. Last August he had a big row with my daughter and didnt speak to me for 3 days. At the time, as he wouldnt speak I wrote him a letter and also talked about it and the way that he was making me feel. He was very apologetic and said it was never me, but by then I always thought it was me. I told him then that I would not go through this again so let there be no more instances as I couldnt go through it again.
Unfortunatley it happened at New Year when we had friends and family there and he locked himself away in a room for hree days when they had left. I couldt take anymore so when he cane out of isolation I told him I was going. It was at this point that he lost it but mainly in anger, volatility, ireatic behaviour. The night we were leaving he tried to commit suicide and ended up in hospital, I went with him and he was released in 3 days. This was a very traumatic time for both myself and my daughter and very very upsetting for us and my family and friends. I am currently renting and selfishly I am glad that I no longer live with him as I need time to heal. and so does my daughter. He has asked can we still be together and work things out so that we have a future and I have said yes but I cant make any promises. Things are currently done on my terms, even though he doesnt like it, these are :- He has to get himself better and build his life so that I am not the most important thing in it and I am not the reason he gets up in a morning. We see each other 1 to 2 times a week to see how things go, we arrange some counselling sessions (this is to be arranged as yet). He has had his ups and downs and I have remained on the emotional roller coaster since January as he says he needs all of me or not at all, he needs to see me more etc. He is currently in a place where the seperation doesnt seem to be affecting him and he seems quite aloof about us. I am not saying this is wrong it just feels strange as he is normally quite controlling.
He is currently on medication and visits his doctor every fortnight to discuss his medication and how he is feeling.
I dont know if I can trust him, not with other women but emotionally as I have always felt unhappy for a long period of time despite being totally in love with him. I knew he loved me, that was always the odd thing, but the way he behaved and treated me I questioned constantly as how can you treat someone you love like that and then blame it on something else….surely they have to take responsibility.
I would like to think that we had a future but I am not sure, my daughter is still getting over it emotionally and has said that if we did get back together then she would leave as wouldnt want to be near me!!??.
I dont sleep much these days and constantly worry………….worry about my daughter, worry about him and his state of mind, sometimes I cant get hold of him and then worry that he has gone and done something silly. I feel like piggy in the middle sometimes trying to please everyome and as usual forgettng about myself.
I am not sure if I need help, sdvice or what really, but would be grateful if you could respond.
Thanks
Hi there all
My name is Tanja and I hope that by joining this forum it will help to share experiences and/or get some advise from people in simelar situations
I started a relationship at the beginning of this year and knew that my boyfriend had a lot of deep negative impacts in his live ( he is 44, iam 43) so I knew that there was a lot he has been through and had to deal with and also had a deep impact on him.
At this point I also knew that he had counseling before when his 2nd marriage broke down but I was in the understanding that he dealt with his issues and he was happy with the person he is and was aware of the issues which had triggered his brakedown/depression
But soon it was more than clear that he has extreme issus regarding MANY things which affect our relationship to the extream
I stand 100% behind him in any way possible
The problem is he pushes me away over and over again
By that I mean there is no contact what so ever…I don’t know nothing…
It is very scary and painful
I have read up a lot about depression in various scenarios from various perspectives… But most of the time it is mentioned how important the right support is and often is also welcome from the person with depression
So for me being on the entire other end and completely cut off is very difficult to deal with…
To all who are on one side or the other of depression…stay strong for and with each other…
Tanja
Hi, my name is Erin, I am 20 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and my story is similar to many above. Depression has always been a big part of my life, as I learnt last year that my boyfriend, as well as my dad, and brother are depressed. As I am fairly young still, I did not see the signs of depression, or even notice that the problems in my boyfriend and I’s relationship could be related to depression. I really only learnt what depression is last year. This last year has been very hard on me, and I have somewhat lost myself in my boyfriends depression. I have lost a lot of friends, family members don’t want to hear about our problems anymore, and I am feeling like things will not turn around anytime soon for my boyfriend nor I. We have talked about depression, and I have told him my feelings, that I believe he is depressed, but he will not agree. He often gets very angry at me when I mention this, and turns every conversation around to place blame on me. He says that I am not there enough for him. When really, he cant see that all I ever am is there for him. I am currently in university, so the majority of my time is spent on school work, he often makes me feel bad for this, and tells me I am not a good girlfriend. Through everything, I just feel like I have become so damaged by his words because I am a very sensitive person, and I let things hurt me easily. What hurts me the most, is knowing him before he became so much more depressed, he was so funny, and could brighten anyone’s day. Without his depression, he is truly a joy and a blessing in your life. That is whats so hard for me to move on from because he is not the same person I fell in love with right now. I just don’t know what to do in regards to him ever realizing he isn’t alone in this, and accepting the fact that he is depressed. I love him so much, and would like things to work, but not at the destruction of my own happiness.
I sympathise with you. I’ve only just got to grips with the fact that I’m depressed, and haven’t done a great deal about it yet. To give you some perspective from the other side, me and my girlfriend are struggling, she feels like I’m not the person she fell in love with, but loves me regardless, and we hang on, despite me suggesting that we break up and she goes on and does her own thing. Truth is, I don’t feel like the same person she fell in love with, I used to be very happy, positive attitude etc, but I feel like I’ve been replaced with somebody else. I feel like she’s getting a rough deal and would be better off without me now, I’d give anything to go back to the happy times. It’s frustrating, a big mess. I feel for both you and your boyfriend and wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone. Despite the fact that your boyfriend is depressed, which feels like the end of the world, it’s just as painful for you to. Kills me that my girlfriend is upset, mainly because of me, but I feel like it’s beyond me to fix it.
My partner is the one with depression we have been together 16 yrs and I agree it is not the man I fell in love with I keep telling myself he is still in there and I hang on for a glimpse of hope, it is so hard though has he has completely cut me out of his life even though we are in the same house he hardly speaks to me maybe yes or no.
I am hanging in there as he has been on his medication for 4 weeks now no difference the time must come if I believed in aliens I would swear my partner would of been taken and replaced by one .
I imagine we are in a tunnel and we see the light in the future .
Hi Mike,
Just wanted to say thank you for giving us the depressed and in a relationship person’s perspective.
I am in a soul mate relationship and he has become increasingly depressed over the past few months. What he says is exactly what you say above. I feel that this is “temporary” (finite, anyway), and the person I used to know will be on the other side (possibly changed). I feel this because I have suffered from depression which led me to a great deal of personal growth and now I am stronger and more positive than ever. What advice can you give to the people helping a depressed love one – anything over and above this article? And hope you are proceeding well with your own path out of the darkness.
I am struggling with depression and I have a 5yr old son and my wife and I have bin together for 6 yrs I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was younger and never committed to therapy and medication lately my life has flipped upside down I can’t keep a job struggling in my realtipnship I love my wife but I have bin very distant towards her n she is allways here for me through all my mistakes she takes me back n I want to be a better man for her I have recently started thinking of going back to therapy n try to find the right medication but the process is overwhelming and with my obsessive thinking of trying to do better and provide keeps a hold on me I fear of losing her and my son or worse me going to jail for trying to make ends meet I rly don’t talk to anyone all my friends are in jail or have passed away I don’t go out and last night I go out and drank too much when I got home it was a episode I don’t kno why I’m writing on this I just needed to express my self but from the other side it’s very hard for someone with depression or w.e the case may be especially when loved ones are effected by it I need help I know I do but nothing seems to work
Mike,
You have so exactly described one part of my partner’s struggle. I always say to him, I don’t want him to feel bad for upsetting me, I want him to feel safe with me and put any energy he can into trying different things to feel better and get better. He isn’t able to take that in just yet but I can tell you that neither my partner or you will be doing your girlfriend a favour by giving up on your relationship or yourself. Believe me. You are worthwhile and loved. Maybe you can try to trust that and focus on getting the help you need. I really hope so.
Best of luck to you. I hope you will be able to give updates on your progress and struggles.
Sandra
my boyfriend and I have being going out for the past one year now, recently he lose his job and since then he always say he is frustrated, he was also complaining that am at a different city so I decide to leave where I was to come to the same city where he is staying but at different apartment my problem is the new place that I am staying he had never visited me his excuse is that am there with my parents and now he is not working that is why he is not coming, but also I go to his house to visit him anytime. one year in relationship I don’t know any of his family and friends except two guys which he introduce them to me as his cousins and he also doesn’t know my parents. he know only my sister, her husband and kids. of last he doesn’t call me when I call him he doesn’t reply the only thing that is effective in the relationship is sex. two weeks ago he wanted to have sex with me and I told him that we should stop that sex issue and concentrate in building our relationship. last week he text me to tell me that we should break up this s the message he sent
U know this relationship is not working.
I’m really frustrated with so many issues all about my life
So please let’s us understand.
I don’t want to waste your time neither mine please understand.
Let’s forget about and be a good friends
please I love him and what us to fix things how should I go about things and what will I do to make him commit?
secondly, how should I talk to him to make him fall in love with me. because he said my communication is boring, please teach me how to communicate with a man and how to handle my relationship as a lady.
My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me three weeks ago out of no where. She texted me one night and asked to meet at a Starbucks the following morning for coffee.
She has been battling depression and anxiety for the past 4-5 years and told me she has some issues that she never addressed and that she needed to address them on her own and that she wasn’t healthy enough for a relationship right now.
I love this girl more than anyone on this world. She’s been nothing but good to me and has helped me through my own personal issues. But now I’m here three weeks later miserable. I go a day or two without any breakdowns and then I just cave and breakdown. She seems happy in all the pics on Instagram that I’ve seen her in that her friends post and in her best friends snapchats that I get because it is her “story” on the app. I don’t know what to do. We worked through all our issues before this, together. Why can’t we now? Is this the end of our relationship? Should I ask for some closure? Doesn’t anyone think she is using this as a cop out?
Going through figuring all this out currently myself. My GF of 2 years brought up being Overwhelmed & Stressed about a year into our relationship. Before that everything was great. Great Connection, Great Chemistry, Great Compatibility, even our Conflict Resolution was amazing. She ended up mentioning an episode of Clinical Depression several years earlier that totally ruined a relationship, ended with her in the hospital. This has been 1 of the most difficult, painful & rough experiences I’ve ever encountered. I feel like what in the world has happened here? How did I go from being so close, connected with her for the 1st year to the past year where our relationship has increasingly become more & more detached. She barely wants to talk with me, never really wants to see me, when she does talk with me it’s like the coldest & most detached person I’ve ever dealt with. She makes constant mention of needing space. We fight all the time now, but we all we fight about is her wall & lack of communication with me. I know that has pushed her away more, but I feel like what am I supposed to do? She is a person who was so full of energy, bubbly, warm & kind & sweet…and I don’t see any of that anymore, and it’s been pretty much non existent since at least March/April. She has been in therapy since early Summer, although I haven’t seen any improvements since late last Winter. I’ve finally decided to get myself into therapy. I’ve definitely realized as a significant other, your 1st job is take care of yourself, and make sure you don’t end up all messed up. And as for the significant other, Love from a distance. They’re not going to be warm, kind or able to connect with you, and you will constantly walk on eggshells in dealing with them. They’re in another world. But you have to have some empathy. It’s not a person’s choice to suffer with this affliction.
my depression triggered during engagement, though I wanted to cancel the wedding because of the anxiety but the time was too short.
I went ahead with the wedding.
but since after the wedding till date, I still struggle with depression. it has been the most painful challenge I have ever faced in life.
the worst thing is that I have never enjoyed the marriage for one day and any time I remember that my depression started because of my marriage, it project all the pain to my wife.
she has been helpful and patience, but things has not been getting any better at all.
this is a really challenging time of my life, depression is a monster, its ruining my career, my social and spiritual life and the worst thing is that its making me regret my marriage.
I have suggested to my wife that we will need a healing separation so that I can work on my emotion and we can have a new beginning.
please any advise out there will help.
How are you today alex?
my depressed currently xbf of two years, broke up with me labor day weekend and the last 5 weeks have been a yoyo of a roller coaster ride – you all know how it goes; from reaching out to not responding, from blaming the relationship on his unhappiness, saying “I also feel better after I have spent time with you”. Never asking about my life – not returning the most benign texts, or getting angry over loving emails. Lowe self-esteem, no worthiness and at the same time doing everything in his power to Napalm the relationship to the point where I would need to walk away in self-protection.
I had reached my limit this past week and gave it one last go – a sit down where I present to him, verbally and on paper (simple words) two lists: What I want and What I won’t tolerate. The second list being the more important.
He listended, and when I got to #5 on on the intolerable list, he burst into tears. It was specfic to my removing myself from the only venue in our life where we still cross paths (we are not married, both divorced and 50, so no kids together). I had wondered why he hadn’t removed himself from this arena, a social one, which I had brought him to (a tennis team)
that breakdown (his first tears in a year of depression) shocked me. I comforted him and held him, which he allowed. Finally he asked if he could keep the list, and like a child asked me to go over every intolerable point, and said “I think I can do those things, or it least make an effort to do those things” that was Sunday, and he has steadily communicated with me by text since then, and seems to be opento staying connected while I give him space.
It has been so relieving to me, and allowed me to let go of my acute anxiety. It was like seeing his human face again.
I believe that we walk a fine line: we put up with too much so as not to upset the depressed party and push him away, the we are so frustrated by no recognition of our efforts an we become anxious and needy. I believe he needed to feel the weight of consequence to unacceptable behaviour. He needed it explained simply and he took it in.
Not sure this peaceful place will last, but he thanked me for the most productive conversation we have had in months.
We shall see. For now, I am trying to let him be the one to initate contact – I am trying to go on with my own stuff and give him the space I couldn’t when he seemed so angry.
It’s a thought – simple communication – they are like deer – easy to scare away
Hi ellen, how is’it going today? Your message is very inspiring, thank you
Wow. What I wrote seems a lifetime ago. That experience held us for just acshortbrime. We were in and out of contact from October of 2014-March of 2015. His depression got worse. He quit therapy after 5 sessions. His behavior was erratic/or sad. Finally in the last two months his cruelty to me increased dramatically. He would draw me to him with a text like, “I’m anxious”. I would go see him in his depression. He would be tender one moment then turn cold. His final words ” I have no obligation to you”, I said, ” I will do anything to help you”. His response, ” I will never do anything for you at cost to myself. That was that. I have not seen him in a year. He lives 6 minutes from him.
I am writing a book about the impact of fallout on those who love people with depression/bipolar. I have interest from a publisher. It is a memoir.
This experience devastated me, my self esteem, my trust of love. I am emerging. But what anincredible road.
Mine abandoned help. He will rise again and hurt others. His greatest betrayal: benign neglect of a manageable illness. Shame on him.
Sad you couldn’t work it out. But you have tried and can’t regret anything. I’m happy you decided to write about your story, I’m thinking of it too as a healing process. Have you done some therapy for yourself In order to move on ? I’m thinking of it eventually because I don’t want that story to ruin my life and love life, I’m a loveable intelligent person who has a lot of’love to’give (proof being I stayed 3 years with an anxious depressive and I loved her in every way and couldn’t be more supportive, some people out there would die for that kind of relationship ) as I’m sure you are too. You will be ready to move on and will find that happiness you deserve, like we all do. Good luck, stay in touch 🙂
Thank you. I think now that I know if he had stayed I would have had to live in his rabbit hole too much. He couldn’t sustain a healthy relationship. The writing is cathartic and I hope will resonate for all of us who walk with people with depression and bipolar
I believe that I am ultimately better off without him. He would have been in his rabbit hole too often throughout our life – it would have diminished me.
The writing is cathartic, but mostly, I hope it can serve to comfort those who walk in our shoes. It is hard for friends and family to understand. People need to hear voices that let them know they are not alone in their grief
I see what you mean for friends and family. I wrote to the parents to tell about my concerns and unfortunately that’s the mom who answered, saying something like sorry you’re not in a relationship anymore… you’ve been a caring friend. Slap. Coming from the mother accused by the husband and my ex to be a (unthreated) bipolar. I was hoping the email was her dad’s only. Guess they decided to ignore their daughter illness as they must have for years. Because a person who doesn’t have friends as a child and thinks her dad was her bestfriend, how can you let that happen and do nothing ? I tried to talk about that with my ex but she refused to see my point so I let go and let her calling her dad daily…
As for my friends, when she keeps rejecting me coldly, they said “at least you know and can move on”, if only it was as simple as that, if only I could ignore that was her depression talking, if only I could forget that I loved her si’ce the day I met her…
And finally my mom knows what living with an anxious depressive is, she has sacrificed her life to one, always has been such a positive and funny person but after 40 years with someone like that, she is exhausted and ended up with way too much weight… I’m sure she wished she had left when she wanted to at the beginning of their relationship (he threatened to kill himself). But is it fair to give up your whole life for a person that won’t give you what you deserve most of the time because they’ll be only focussing on their problems and themselves if they don’t seek therapy and learn how to cope? I know it’s harsh, but I admit I always saw a lot of potential in my ex, she is a great loving person when not taken away by anxiosity and depression. But I’m not kidding myself, she might not do anything to deal with it the right way ; we worked together on her drinking less…didn’t last, I offered her to do a therapy before her episode of depression to understand why she always thought she would die young, and she said never. So what now? Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom to face it, but maybe she’ll keep running away like she has done by leaving me for an online stupid fantasy. I’m mad she can’t realise what’s going on, I’m mad the parents won’t do anything, I’m mad at me for staying despite the alarm rings I saw early in the relationship. I decided to stay despite that because I’m a positive person but what can you do when your partner is a negative one that is always questioning everything in life, comparing her life to wonderful (in her head) others all the time? How are you suppose to take’it while yiu are in this life with her?! There is no winning situation, she’s on survival mode and because of her, so am i. But I thank God for still being able to go out and enjoy a sunny day, a bird singing or other little things in life, which saddens me knowing my swan can’t these days while she used to with me. My best to all
Reading all of your comments is so strange as I am kind of going through the same thing. My husband has walked out on me and our children saying that he doesn’t love me any more and isn’t interested in trying again. He insists he is completely of sound mind but he had an episode of depression a couple of years ago which he admits wasn’t sorted out correctly at the time. I have been a terrible wife in that I didn’t know how to live with somebody who was depressed and my actions certainly haven’t helped. I am currently trying to decide whether I should fight for him or whether he is being rational and has merely fallen out of love. My gut says I should fight but hearing his terrible words is more than i can bear at the moment 🙁
I’m curious as to how things worked out for you. I’m in a similar situation.