Anxiety is one of the fringe benefits of depression. The form of it that I find most acute is now called social anxiety, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I used to call it torture. When it’s upon me in full force, every encounter with people is a searing experience. I can hardly make out who they are because of the blinding panic that sets in. Driven to say or do something, words tumble out, expressions cross my face that are usually totally off the mark. Completely embarrassed and burning inside, I leave as fast as I can.
There was a time when I tried to capture moments like that in poems, and this is one from a long time ago.
The two beside me on the bench
speak in one touch of their intimacy,
and I am the cheap voyeur.
I touch up face after face,
I bluff, I burn in unlikely mime,
I dangle near their design
of entwining arms.
Like an antique entertainer
tapping song to his ragged time
while the showgirls upstage him,
I want the sudden comeback,
want the place dead with applause:
I don’t know what I want.
Then quiet like a curtain falls,
and I make off.
Is social anxiety a partner to the depression you experience? Does it happen mostly with strangers, or can it be triggered in any situation?
Some Right Reserved by Ctd_2005 at Flickr
I deal with the social anxiety sort of like this: realize and acknowledge it, do some cognitive self-talk about it. I sometimes do force myself to deal with people, and that helps. Sometimes, though, I just give myself a break and get away from it. That depends on what else is going on in my life. I can only put out so many fires at once.
I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life. Fortunately, with the help of meditation, Reiki and self talk, I have managed to get it under control, which in turn avoids bouts of depression.
I wish you a happy new year and there is an award waiting for you. Information is on my site. Congratulations and have a wonderful day!
My depressions have several anxiety friends, social anxiety being probably the loudest of them. It’s worst with strangers, but happens with any humans. It can be so bad at times that I can’t even answer the phone for days.
Chronic Chick – Thanks for commenting – I really like your blog and will leave a comment there explaining why. Being able to get emotion into your writing is a gift, and you’ve got it. I’m sorry that depression has been such a big problem on top of the chronic illness you have to deal with. It seems unfair that these conditions go on and on, but that’s where we find out about life, I guess. You are always open about what you’re learning – that’s so important for the rest of us. All my best.
Hello, Chunks, and thank you! I’m glad the poem works for you. It’s interesting that you often aren’t aware of the anxiety until afterward. It’s different for me – I will keep awareness of depression out of my mind and deny that I’m sinking into it, but anxiety, stress, nervousness – those are sizzling away, and I’m acutely aware. The mind is so complicated in what it wants to be aware of and what it will shut out. Thanks for coming by.
Eileen – That’s not lecturing – those are good ideas taken from your experience, and that’s all we’ve really got to learn from. It sounds like you have a deeper SA but less depression than I do. It’s really hard to compare these things – and neither one of us can do justice to what we’ve been through in a few words. The idea of a hierarchy of exposures is very helpful, and I’m glad it’s worked for you. I’ll have to talk more in another post about how it’s worked for me. Thanks for these ideas!
Yes, I feel anxiety. It’s funny though because at the time I don’t realize it is anxiety. Only when I reflect later do I realize it was anxiety rearing its ugly head.
Anxiety and depression are quite intertwined.
I love your poem. You are such a gifted soul!
Hi there,
Depression sure does suck. I’ve struggled with it since teens. I have my ups and doesn with it. poetry is good therapy. I use it to express myself with ups and down. I’ve been called an emotional writer and I guess it is true.
Thanks for sharing
chronic chick
Sorry, I mistakenly closed this window, so now I don’t know if my post was erased or is waiting. Sigh. The internet doesn’t like me 🙂
Anyway, for SA I became aware of negative thoughts, like this person doesn’t like me and worked on changing them. Then you do a hierarchy of ‘exposures’. So for instance I would never have been able to talk to a group previously, but now I can do it. You start with easy stuff, then move up when you’re comfortable. A first step might be to smile at the coffee shop waitress for instance. Or say hello to someone you don’t know. Or…
SA stopped me from doing the usual life stages – I never dated for instance, just fell into the first relationship possible with someone sadly inappropriate. I started a career very late and with great difficulty as I couldn’t get through a job interview. From what I can gather from your blog, you are very accomplished, married, and do not have these extreme social difficulties.
I think one of the effects of depression can be a sort of reluctance to be social, and social isolation. This isn’t the same thing as what I have, social anxiety. When depression is the cause of the social withdrawal, then the remedy would be to cure the depression. For full blown SA, the remedy is different.
Anyway, sorry to lecture. This is what helped me. There is lots of info on this on the net. Great poem by the way. Cheers
Eileen – Thank you! It’s good to know that you’ve found some useful ideas here. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with depression and anxiety for so long. If you don’t mind sharing the experience, it would be helpful to get a sense of what exactly helped reduce the anxiety. We’ve had different experiences – which is not surprising. Anxiety for me has always been such an upfront problem – couldn’t miss it! On the other hand, I somehow took much longer to see depression for what it was and understand that its effects went far beyond hopelessness and grief. I never associated anxiety with depression, though, and never realized it could be treated. Both are so hard to manage – I wish you the best in finding more ways to reduce depression.
Immi – Giving yourself a break is a good strategy, and I’m glad it works for you. It’s very wise of you to know your limits about how much you can deal with – how many fires you can put out. It’s been hard for me to get away from anxiety or from the stress that goes with it. That’s something I’m struggling with now. Thanks for these ideas!
Hi John,
Happy New Year! I read your blog every week and always find something thought provoking here.
I have social anxiety and depression. I’ve done some CBT therapy for it and attend a support group. I’ve had it since I was a teenager, but didn’t know what it was. Depression is easier to recognize. The social anxiety has gotten quite a bit better. The depression only somewhat better. My SA isn’t the same as what you describe though, so not quite sure if this is the same thing.
all the best to you, Eileen
Lea – I’ve had a little acquaintance with Reiki but need to look into it more closely. It’s wonderful you’ve been able to get the anxiety under control – that’s something I haven’t yet been able to do, though I’ve come a long way in dealing with depression. – Thanks again for the award – a great surprise for the new year!
Jaliya – I really can sympathize with the pain of not being able to speak to your husband or friends. It’s so sad how merciless we become with ourselves – and hide when reaching out would do us so much more good. Thank you for visiting!
Scot – You describe that painful state very well – all that effort that seems to produce the opposite of what we’re hoping for. It’s like magnetic fields clashing and pushing back against each other. I haven’t experienced so much the sudden changes – I am more consistently absent since depression lasts so long for me. I hope you’ll find ways to get the better of this before too long. Thank you for coming by.
Healthnut – It is amazing how the seemingly impersonal contact online becomes so supportive. I never would have guessed that before I started participating. Is your friend’s focus group also on line, or was she able to start getting support face to face? Thank you for visiting!
Immi – Your anxiety friends sound like mine, especially social anxiety. Have you found any way to cut down the intensity at all? Thanks for coming by.
Svasti – I know that desire to vanish all too well. It’s especially hard to have to stay away from friends whose support is really needed. Stay well!
Clueless – The masks themselves must be uncomfortable – and your husband not being able to tell suggests a lot of strain and stress on you in keeping things hidden. That’s what I found, and still find, is the staggering amount of energy I have put into not letting people see any outward sign of what’s happening. That’s so hard – I wish you the best!
John, I’ve been reading your beautiful blog for a while … Thank you for it …
Your poem says so much. “Dead with applause…” — “and I make off” — “I dangle…” The terrible passivity of major depression comes through …
Social anxiety … yes. Sometimes I can’t predict that it’s about to stain my mind … Sometimes I can hardly bear the thought of even looking at my husband, who is so gentle … I often fear that I have nothing to say; that my mind will be a vacuous blank … I know the anxiety is out of bounds when I don’t even want to connect with my longtime, dear friends, all of whom know me inside out …
My friend suffers from social anxiety. She joined an online forum which helped her very much to learn how to express herself and chat without the pressure of being face to face. She is now working with a focus group dedicated to handling anxiety and it’s really helping.
Oh yeah there’s a lot of anxiety that comes into play.
I think part of it is wishing to be “normal” like all the rest of the universe. To be able to say “I’m having a great day” and mean it, not have to show it like some cheap vaudeville performer. I feel like Amos Hart from the musical “Chicago” some days: there I am singing to a crowd of people who are just not interested, so I amp it up…still nothing. The lights go out and all I can say is “I hope I haven’t taken up too much of your time” and get the hell out of there.
It happens with friends and strangers alike. More so lately with stangers though or people I want to love me for what I am and not what I try to be.
The crippling bouts of sadness on a daily basis don’t help either. It’s nearly impossible to describe to someone (even those that care) why you’re fine(ish) one minute, and the next you’re in a heap sobbing.So what do you do? You hide it, or transform it into this clown act and deal with it alone, behind the curtains, where no-one can see you falling apart.
Happy New Year, John!!
I’ve always had a high level of anxiety that accompanies my depression. Although where that starts and my PTSD anxiety starts is debatable. It happens with all people, but with people that I know more intensely. I think that is because there I have some mask to keep up with that relationship. When I am having a difficult time generally, my husband, doesn’t even know. However, that is changing slowly by letting him in. Definite triggers, but I have PTSD so that affects my anxiety.
CC
Oh yes… anxiety – comes with both depression and with PTSD.
I do want to shutter myself away, because I’m not wanting to explain myself to others. Or put up with them completely not noticing what’s going on with me.
So its easier to stay away.
From both friends and strangers.
Its not quite so bad for me that I can’t recognise people – that must suck! But I suffer from incredibly crippling sadness and the desire to vanish.