When depression takes over your partner, you’re likely to go through an emotional waterboarding, a torture you have to escape. You may feel overwhelmed, confused, helpless to do anything. You take the brunt of the punishing anger or indifference that is all your partner can give you.
The relationship that means the most to you feels like it’s breaking fast. What can you do to keep yourself together?
There are thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities.
The members of one of the oldest of the online forums, Depression Fallout, report over and over again that the support of such groups has been a mainstay for dealing with their depressed partners. Communities like these might be a good starting point for you as well.
Here are 10 ideas drawn from the experience of people who have had to live with depressed partners as well as from my own experience as a depressed partner.
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Take care of yourself as well as you can. When depression strikes and you find yourself living with a distant stranger, it’s only natural to focus first on your partner. You’re likely shocked and confused and want to bring back the familiar loving person you know. But it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and gradually undermine the health and inner balance you need to get through the crisis. The obstacles are huge since your partner is right there and depression is now part of your life. It’s important to keep your own life going, get out of the hothouse as often as you can and spend time on the things that most help you relax.
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Get help. There’s so much stress in living with depression that you should reach out for support. Perhaps you have caring friends you trust enough to confide in, or can find a support group, online communities, perhaps individual counseling, . That’s the critical first step. And keep on getting their help. You need regular support because the injury doesn’t stop until depression does.
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It’s not your fault. Depression is the cause of the problem, not you. Nothing you’ve done could have brought on the ugly transformation of your partner – whatever accusations they might throw at you. Nor is it possible for you to fix the illness. Depression is complicated, not fully understood, and has multiple causes. No one really knows how to cure it. You may be able to help your partner get the right kind of help, but they need to commit to the work of recovery and stay with it.
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Learn about depression and how pervasive an impact it can have. That will prepare you to recognize the many ways it can distort your partner’s behavior. You should realize, though, that what you’re learning is just a small part of an evolving field of research. It’s easy to jump to conclusions about exactly what’s wrong and what can be done about it. Consulting a mental health professional is a good way to get further insight into your partner’s illness.
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Offer love and support without trying to be directive. Suggest it might be helpful – but pushing it, demanding that he get help in certain ways or learn what you’ve been learning won’t work. Tell him you’re trying to figure out what all the changes in the relationship have been about – and will be there to help as much as you can.
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Depression can control you both. Be aware of the danger that you can easily be drawn into the same vortex that’s spinning your partner around. Anne Sheffield describes it as Depression Fallout. Michael Yapko writes that Depression Is Contagious. It’s common to develop your own illness as a result of living with a depressed person. That’s why it’s so important to get all the help you can and to watch your emotional and physical state.
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Break the Cycle. One way to keep from being dependent on your partner’s moods is to look closely at your reactions to each of them. What are the worst, most painful moments for you – the ones that trigger your most intense feelings? What does your partner do to set you off? What is the feeling that wells up in you – anger, fear, hopelessness? And what do you do in response – meet attack for attack, hold your feelings in, leave? How do you feel about your own reactions afterward? It can help to track these reactions on paper at first to help you recognize the triggering events. That tactic could make it easier to interrupt your usual reaction, restore a sense of emotional independence and break the cycle that’s hurting you in so many ways.
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Be tolerant of yourself. You probably can’t stop the emotional rollercoaster all at once or persuade your partner to get help or take perfect care of yourself. Expecting too much too soon can only lead to more frustration and reduced self-esteem. You already have enough of those to deal with.
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You Can’t Go Back. Try to remember that the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
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They’re responsible for getting help. (edited 12/20/2013) Depression may be the underlying problem, but that fact doesn’t take away responsibility for destructive behavior. This is a difficult subject to talk about, and I do so from the perspective of someone who inflicted pain on his family during bouts of depression. When feeling better, I might well say something like: it was depression driving me to say and do those things. It’s not about you – don’t take it personally. But of course it’s personal. I was constantly leaving my wife and kids out of my awareness and often spoke and acted abusively. The anger, attacks, threats to leave and emotional withdrawal are as personal as it gets in a relationship. It’s especially important, then, to set boundaries. Depressed partners have to know when you can’t take anymore, or they cross a line that can’t be crossed. Remind them about what’s at stake and what you are really feeling. A depressed person is ill, yes, and probably wouldn’t choose to act hurtfully when well, so simple blaming is not appropriate. But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me, and it was a powerful wake-up call that got me back into treatment after a long period of denying the problem, despite my long history of depression.
I’m literally drowning, my husband has been depressed for over 10 years now. I feel like he is killing me. I am completely isolated to my house. If I go any where or do anything he gets angry and I spend days getting yelled at. I am so tired. I can’t take it any longer. My children want to leave. My oldest hates coming home and when he is home, he hides in his room. He doesn’t even want me to talk to my parents because they are mad at him for the way he talks to me and the kids. I stopped by for 30 minutes tonight and he called me yelling. I came home to find my kids in hysterics because he was screaming at them. I have no friends left, they were tired of being embarrassed in public by him screaming at me. He has been hospitalized 3 times for over a month each time in the last 10 years. But he doesn’t continue treatment or medicine. He said it makes him feel bad. I can’t take another 10 years of this. I try to talk to him about how he’s feeling and try to be understanding. I used to be very passive when he got angry, now I am very combative. I just can’t listen to the nastiness anymore. Every one hates him, nobody wants him around, my oldest(his step son) doesn’t like him…… always the same thing over and over for the last 10 years. Hell his own parents want nothing to do with him. Any ideas before I hit the road?
Leave asap and stay kind. Don’t be hurtful because he’s hurt you. You need to work hard to break the negative cycle and not carry it with you. Don’t carry the anger, the hurt, the negativity. You need to cultivate positive thoughts and a healthy life. So make sure that when he’s not around anymore you stay emotionally detached from him. No one can make you unhappy, only you’re in control of your happiness.
I have put up with the same thing for 20 years and felt so trapped. Our children hate him. He recently threatened suicide when attending a hospital appointment and was sent to A&E, I left him there and have since refused to have him discharged to my care, he was dragging me down with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I am relieved he is gone and so are the kids. I feel like I sound evil, but its taken two decades of emotional abuse and his empty promises and manipulation to realize my life with him will never change
It is difficult to tackle a disease such as depression; especially when it is your spouse who suffers from it. I am happy to see you write an article from the perspective of an unaffected spouse. You have brought forth sensitive issues, like abuse and violence inflicted by a depressed spouse. There is indeed a very thin line between the behavioral changes that a spouse should endure and instances which are downright harmful. Under no circumstance should a person blame himself or herself for this situation and be willing to be subjected to violence and abuse; no matter how much one loves his/her spouse. Seeking medical intervention and psychiatric counseling have proven the most effective ways to tackle these issues in my opinion.
HI everyone, My husband of 11 years is clinically depressed, in March he was admitted to rehab for alcohol abuse, he spent 21 days in hospital and came out and bought a bottle, he never went in with the intention of giving the bottle up, he kept on telling himself that he does not have a drinking problem & going to rehab was going to help him feel better or get away from the world for a few days, he has fallen off the bandwagon almost every month so far, missing work when its pay day and a few days later… he withdraws from the world and goes into a complete dark hole, shutting out everyone around him, he ends up drinking every single day for up to 10 days straight, and I have to pick up the pieces and make things right, I have to control the finances because he was brought up in that way that his mum controlled his dad’s finances and the daily running of the home, I had automatically gain that responsibility when we got married, so when I just mention we are unable to buy a bottle, all hell breaks loose and he withdraws, drinks, lay in bed all day, watch tv, eat and will not even pick up a paper lying on the ground. I pretty much act like the mother & father in the house to our two kids, aged 7 & 4. they have even gotten used to the routine at home when dad is depressed! I dont know what to do anymore as this man is a loving, kind person when not depressed and drunk. I have no place to go as his salary pays for the home, and I do not have anyone to go to.
Brenda I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this situation. It’s strange, as I was reading your story before I saw your name, I was thinking… “is this my Mum?” Then I saw the ages of your kids and the date (pretty recent) I hope you are feeling ok today. I am now 26, but what you are going through is so much like what my mum had to deal with in the 28years of marriage they’ve had. I am second oldest of 4, I have an older sister and two younger brothers and the way that you’ve inherited all the family responsibility is exactly like Mum and my sister and I because we weren’t a) older and b) girls. In our growing up years, there was never money for anything because Dad would be blowing it at the pokies and grog to try to numb out the responsibility of life and a family which he clearly was never prepared for because his mum basically treated him like a pharaoh and of course Nan will say the old classics like “that’s how it was back then” or “it’s a mans world” or “we women have to be strong”. When I was 15, and my sister was 17, I had such a resentment toward my dad because of the way he treated my mum and made her so stressed and how shit and depressed I felt because my house was always so depressive and I just ran away aftet I stood up to him one day when he was being an arsehole to my sister. I ran to my Aunty (his sister) and stayed there for a while during that time she actually intervened and the whole situation (him not being able to hold a job, me running away, him developing problems in his liver because of his alcoholism) pushed him into doing rehab. This time was, excuse my language, FUCKED. He was on Valium from the doctor so he would just stay in bed vomiting and sleeping all day, this lasted for months. I felt so sad because I love my dad, he was a lovely man before he became so afflicted. So talented with wood and so adventurous and funny, he never would hurt a fly – but the drunk dad was like he was possessed. So anyway, as time went on there have been ups and downs and as soon as I was 18 I got my lisence and my sister and I moved out to our own house – that was my life objective at that point. Now this is bad because instead of going to uni, I was focused on getting a full time job so I could afford to rent my own house. But anyway my final years at high school were hard because of all the family shit, I spent a lot of time staying at my best friends house which affected me a lot negatively too because I had a dependence and envy for her that really damaged my self esteem even more. So that’s just my bag of problems, my sister suffered from cystic acne, weight problems and psychosis. But now for the silver lining, my mum is a little punk. She would resist so much being put in the role that would enable my dad, and although my Nan would criticise her heavily for allowing the house to always look like shit and the dishes go unwashed and things to always be in a shambles, she was not going to keep it all inside and let it destroy her while maintaining an image. We are not a perfect family, and there is no cure for this shit but what happened to me and my sister was we got a lot of life lessons really young. My sister managed to get her weight under control after surviving an eating disorder, she went on to do a Certificate in business and then she did a diploma of Beauty Therapy, not for any other reason but to learn what was going on with her skin and she had the internation to help other young girls with information by going to schools and talking about skin care. She then decided to be become vegan and to embrace a quiet country life, looks beautiful and has a heart of gold and so wise. She is 27, has a loving partner that is very protective of her and is weary but kind and understanding of my dad and his difficulties. She brings my dad so much joy, she holds no resentment and she just is amazing, they help him all the time with borrowing tools, and he makes things for her and it’s really lovely to see how he lights up when they come around. I, after my own turn at a 6 year abusive relationship found my way out by taking to meditation and self help books. That helped me to understand my own depression and regain some strength to follow my dreams. I started to play music which was my passion and play my own original songs (which were a lot about my relationship with my dad or my own codependent relationship which mirrored that of my mum and dad’s) then I went to do a diploma of music at university, that turned into a year overseas teaching music in China and then I completed a bachelor of music minoring in Visual Arts, which lead me again to China to teach music again and become engaged to a Brazilian Artist. I guess what my story has to offer you is that, life is not supposed to be any one way, and marriages can’t always be perfect and if they aren’t that doesn’t mean that divorce needs to happen or that things are going to be fixed if you take a certain approach. My sister and I are fine, better than most at our age whose families had their own flavour of messed up happening behind closed doors. My brothers are great too, the youngest one has actually been getting my dad work lately and it’s really good. My dad is a troubled dude, he might not ever be “normal” and I think he was kind of fluffed up to be a stud in his ‘prime’ so he could secure a good wife and then it was like ok that’s all the education he got! It’s hard for a young guy like that to suddenly cope with all the responsibility of being a husband and a dad and that pressure can trigger anxiety which leads to depression and I know, because I suffering from it too, how hard it is to get out of. But he is a lot more stable now and I think with time he reflects on things he has done and regrets but then he plods away in the garden and he makes things out of wood (he made all the furniture in our house!) and that’s an outlet for him. My siblings and I always used to think about “what things are going to make him happy?” When we bought him gifts, so he has slowly accumulated tools and gardening stuff and cloths and music stuff through thoughtful gift giving at Christmas and birthdays and stuff. My mum too, she has always been in and out of dad’s vortex, with her pine bouts of alcoholism where she just wanted to be on his level because she missed him. But I guess we’ve all managed to be together for every birthday, every Christmas and every major event despite all the shit. Because we forgive and move on and keep striving for happiness and for each of us to live their individual dreams. It’s hard, my mum would understand you. But just remember you are not alone in the world of women dealing with this and just keep doing your beautiful things that make you happy! For my mum that was singing and reading and cooking interesting dishes and time with her own family. Although many times people told he to leave my dad, she never did and us kids are SO GRATEFUL for that, it taught us all a good lesson in setting boundaries, discation and persistence. All ways follow your heart.
Brenda, I should mention though.., before the rehab phase so when I was about 10-11 just when I was starting my first year high school, my dad came home late from the pokies and smashed up a bunch of stuff in the kitchen and scared my mum when she confronted him about the issue. She asked us all if we wanted to come with her or stay with dad and we all wanted to go with her and she took us to our Granny and grandads ( her Mum and dad ) then we stayed there for a month or so while dad and her worked things out with a bit of space between them. He called her every night sometimes threatening to kill him self if she didn’t bring back his children. It was all emotional abuse and my grandad saw through it and told he to hang up. This was really sad time, but they eventually talked through it and we went for picnics at an old favourite family day trip spot. So when things get out of hand, you know she stood her ground but always with compassion. She hates to do it, she cried every day. But she wouldn’t just lay down and be a doormat for the guy either. So anyway, that’s an example of listening to your heart and going when you need to go, and always respecting your children’s choices. Ok if you need to talk you can email me any time. Xo
My husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression earlier this year. He was a caring, confident, fun loving man who wouldn’t have a bad word said against me. After a short break away 3 weeks ago, and without any warning signs he went back into the black mood once again. He told me he didn’t love me like he should was a husband and he didn’t want the relationship. Be cries all the time and hates everything and everyone he is just not happy within himself. This was a total shock as he had been doing great for the past 6 months. Due to work commitments he lives in one country and I am in another but we see each other every weekend. This has changed however. He no longer rings or texts me and has just brushed me to one side, it’s like as if he doesn’t care about me anymore. Can someone please help me understand this erratic behaviour as it is killing me inside.
My husbans of 20 years is depressed , his change in personality was very rapid , he is in denial and thinks that it is all my fault he either doesnt talk to me anymore or he says nusty thinks like why don’t you leave or don’t touch my coffee…
Should i say something to him when he makes nusty comments or just ignore? ?
thanks,
Chiara .
Hi chiara,
I’m so sorry to hear your husband has depression, both because it’s tough on him but by the sounds of it, tough on you too. First- why and how does he think you caused depression? Certainly there are ways of communicating to someone with depression, but I’m going out on a limb here to say, you couldn’t have caused it, depression caused depression (ie brain chemistry, experience, upbringing and trauma).
Second- Yes it’s horrible that he is struggling to deal wth his emotions, but you shouldn’t have to put up with abuse. You’re a person too and remarks like that will chip away at you, and he has got a choice as to how he EXPRESSES his emotions. If you don’t say something now, you’ll end up saying something later, or you’ll end up feeling pretty depressed yourself, or you’ll eventually leave because things have got so unbearable. It sounds like he’s taking it out on you because you’re the closest person to him, and maybe he thinks you’ll just put up with it out of loyalty? Do you think he might be calling your bluff as a way of trying to deal with what’s going on in his head, perhaps?
So I would say you need to express clear boundaries as to what you will put up with, be sympathetic of course, but you also need to be strong for both of you. I hope that’s helpful. Xx
Hi L,
thanks for your reply. I don’t know why he thinks is my fault. He was the one isolating himself from friends and family. Sometimes I tried to push him a little bit ( before realizing that he was depressed).
He has one friend left, thanks to me ( i called him and i begged him to stay in touch).
My husband suffered child abuse (physical and emotional ) by his father and the mother was anabling his father behavior. After an argument with his parents last thanksgiving, his mother stopped calling him ( because she is afraid of her husband).
Could you give an example of a neutral phrase that i can use when he makes a nasty comment to me. like ” why are you still here? “. I would like him to get treatment regardless the state of our relationship. He used to be a very nice person that didn’t want to become like his father.
Thanks,
Chiara
Hi Chiara,
My boyfriend has depression and he regularly isolated himself from everyone, doesn’t reply to messages and sits in the bedroom with the curtains drawn. It’s a symptom of depression and while it’s happening he’s usually, in his head, telling himself that no one wants to be around him because he’s worthless. When he’s like that I let him know I’m here and that I love him. Usually it’s a case of riding it out because he also suffers from acute anxiety so the two combined are like weathering a storm- there’s not much else you can do. And I get it cos I’ve been there to some extent myself.
I don’t know your husband and I’ve been brought up to stand up for myself, especially when someone says nasty things to me so I can’t tell you what to say, but my instinct here is that he’s acting up because the depression is making him defensive? All you can do in that instance is tell him you love him and that you want things to get better. Keep remembering the depression isn’t about you, which of course is really tough when they’re saying really personal things. But like I said as well, you have to make it clear as well that you’re human and you can only take so much- just maybe not in the same sentence if he’s asking you why you’re still here- if that makes sense? Sorry, It’s early morning here so what I’m trying To say is not coming out very concisely! What I mean is that you need clear boundaries but he needs to feel safe right now so let him know you’re here and that you love him but save the tough talk for another time- eg if it doesn’t work? If it is he depression talking I imagine he’ll back off from saying nasty things. If not, then only you can call what to do next.
Have you tried a charity called sane? They’re based in the UK and they have lots of support forums – including one for carers and family members. It’s a really supportive environment and you can just go on there vent, ask for advice and they really do give great advice on there. I think the web add is http://www.sane.org.uk but you can google them easily.
Hope that helps and best of luck x
Hi L,
Thank you very much for. your help and advice.
Chiara
Thank you very much for your compassionate advice. Many people think that i should just go to lawyer . I am not ready to do that, he has been a very supportive man for so many years ..and it is very hard for me to see that that person maybe gone forever. I am taking one day a the time.
Thanks again,
Chiara
unfortunately my depressed partner of 20 years attaked me ou o the blue , he told me that i should get the *** out of his house. I calmingly asked him what is going on and we should probably see a doctor, he losted and he started to throw away my stuff in the trash and my clothing outside the door. So had to went out of the house with the dogs and called the cops. With the cops (very inexperienced cops) he changed the story and said that he losted ( i recorded the conversations), because he wants out of the relationship but doesen’t know how to comunicate with me. so felt that he had to be abusive to convince me to leave.. He is deniyng about feeling down or having any other issues.. I think at this point i have to leave, I am very sad . while the cops were present I said that i care about him …and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him..but the cops said that ‘s normal behavior for someone who is trying to end a relationship giving the silent treatment for 2 months and just yelling get the *** out of my house I ate you is all your fault (i dont thinks it is normal ???)
I was definitely disappointmentrd by the begavior of the police, but I guess he ates even more now..but i did what i thought was right , my once i gone he will realize that he needs help.
Chiara
My partner of 19 years, in last 4 months started slowly to isolate himself from friends and family becoming more controlling, always tired, irritable, and in pain ( he suffered depression when he was younger and suffered child abuse ) . I didn’t recognize this possible early signs of depression. After he came back from a trip every time I tried to talk to him, he is insulting me and goes into a rage and wants me leave (saying that I sucked out the life from him). He cannot say exactly what I have done to him, and he never talked about wanting to break up before. We recently bought a house together. I am sleeping in an other room to give him some space after he went onto a rage and I almost called the ambulance. He always watches TV , constantly plays video games, and goes to work. He doesn’t have any real friends or relatives here. One of my colleagues a Psychiatrist suggested to stick with him because is the depression talking. I don’t know how to get through him and getting him to talk normal with me. He is thinking is all my fault, but just weeks before this he wouldn’t do anything without me … I don’t understand it is very hard..
Do you have any advice ?
Chiara
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don’t…reading your story made me feel that you live in my house…you are me! This is the longest stretch of him being depressed to date, almost 2 month’s and I’m exhausted…I have tried everything. I am so lonely and starting to fall under the dark cloud too now.
Donna,
Reach to some friend or support group. At the beginning I was ashamed of my situation, but I had to talk somebody. And most of the people I talked to were very nice and showed support.
Yes try sane charity’s online forums. Really supportive environment with great advice from people who really understand.
Remember also, you can’t fix him, he has to get better for himself.
I hope this helps xx
Seeing that other people have let out everything, I suppose it might be helpful for me to do the same.
I am not as unfortunate as some of you (for those of you who have had cheating or terribly, terribly depressed partners, I am so sorry). My boyfriend has not cheated on me, nor is it likely that he ever will. He has recently become depressed, although I have suspected that he had some sort of anxiety at the beginning of our relationship. He has frequent anxiety attacks, bouts of depression where he feels literally nothing, and now something that makes it so he is unable to discern reality from a dream.
Because I need to cope with this situation, I am going to talk about myself rather than him ????. I try to be there for him as much as I can, but we are long distance and I am only able to do so much through texts. I have done all the proper steps– I have listened to him, been there for him, supported him throughout. And yet it still doesn’t feel like I’ve done enough. It feels like I’ve personally let him down because I haven’t done enough to help him when, in reality, I’ve literally done everything I can. The real thing that overwhelms me is my inability to do anything. I feel powerless to help him– when he’s having an anxiety attack or etc, all I can say is “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. It kills me. It kills me that that is all I can say to the person that I love the most. Shouldn’t I be able to do more? Shouldn’t I be able to at least does something that takes away his pain?
Logically, of course, I know I’ve done all I can. And yet, there’s still a part of me that just screams out to do more and more and more when I can’t do anything else to help him. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything.
The irrational, self-preserving part of me feels trapped. Sometimes all I do is go walking around while thinking about him and how I feel clausterphobic. He relies too much on me to be his support system (besides his therapist, who appears to be doing her job well), and at times it overwhelms me. It makes me question how much strength I have, and how much burden I can carry before I break under the pressure.
We have a very good relationship and are additionally each other’s best friends. If I had to leave him for my own sake, it would mean I would have to never talk to him ever again. And I can’t do that. I love him too much– it feels like something would be ripped out of me if that happens. I don’t know if it’s healthy to stay in this. I don’t know. He keeps telling me that I should break up with him, that he’s a failure because he does have depression, and that doesn’t help. I don’t want to think about breaking up more than I already have been.
I came here to see if I could find any tips on how to best cope with this. If anyone has any additional tips, please leave a comment below. Thanks for listening.
Hi CCX,
Oh poppet I hear you trying to be really really honest with yourself. Of course you have feelings like that, you’re going through something really hard and with the distance- you sound really level headed if it helps, don’t beat yourself up for assessing the situation from these different angles, it’s only natural.
I know you say you ‘can’t do anything’ and of course the distance is a major factor in that, but remember, like other people have written below, part of the territory in supporting someone with these problems is trust. Much easier said than done to not worry so much, but it does really have an impact on both of you. The paranoia that they might do something might well be there whether you’re living together or apart- I worry every time my partner goes near a train station.
You telling him you love him, and lap the fact that you obviously so genuinely mean it may well register with him, and that support that is only at the end of the phone, or easy for him to read, may even be making a lot of difference to him. You’re doing all you can and you’re only human and please please remember that. Please do not diminish what you do and the support you give. Most importantly and I mean this only to help, but you can’t fix him. And being long distance wouldn’t impact any ability to do so. All you can do is offer support, and let him know he’s loved and that he matters and he’s not alone, which sounds like its what you’re doing. Have you thought about counselling for yourself? I’ve found it very helpful having someone impartial but supporting to let it all out to.
I really hope you’re ok and that this helped xx
@Lucy- I have been checking every once in a while to see if your comment has updated on my browser. Thank you so much for your post, it really cheered me up when I read it.
^^ follow up to that comment. Sorry, I ended up using my real name 😛 but I also meant to add that I am currently seeking counseling, not only for past trauma but for this as well. I’ve also told my mother, and because we have a close relationship, if worst comes to worst I can talk to her about it.
Thank you so much for the support again.
Aww you’re very welcome 🙂
It’s my real name too, it’s ok, talking about mental health helps defeat stigma so I’m happy to put my name next to it x
Oh CCX,
Find some comfort in knowing I am going through a mirror image of your experience. After a month of my man hardly getting out of bed, having violent mood swings and pushing me away, then getting mad at me for not being there, I’m at my breaking point. If there’s a column on how to deal with a depressed lover, I’ve read it. I have, like you, done literally everything possible. I know I can’t help him through his issues if I’m not mentally healthy myself, and his depression IS starting to take a toll on me, but does that make me selfish for putting myself first? I feel like I’m getting kicked around, with no end in sight. When is enough, enough?
@WuHoo- never feel selfish for putting yourself first. You have to look after yourself. I think that, personally (and maybe you’ll agree) that enough is enough when *you* have a realization that you can’t cope with him without taxing your own mental well being. I think that you need to help yourself before you can help him. I don’t know if you’ve had a serious conversation about it, but maybe you should try talking to him about how he pushes you away and then blames you for it. Maybe you can try to either understand him, or make him understand you and your needs. I think that something we both have to recognize is that, at the end of the day, we can only support them as much as we are able. Ultimately, they are responsible for their own decisions; we can positively influence them to get help, take medication, and to make sure they’re safe, but in the end they are their own people. We cannot be blamed for their actions, as they are people independent of us.
I really think that you should have a talk with him, if you haven’t already. Lay out what you need from the relationship– doesn’t it take two too make a relationship work? Maybe try to have a talk about how to make things easier for you so that you can continue to be there for him.
But if it really gets bad, I think you should look after yourself. Like I said earlier, you aren’t responsible for him (I realize how cringey that sounds, but it’s partly true). If it gets to a breaking point and breaking up with him is the only option, then do it for yourself. Make sure that you’re alright. Maybe seek counseling, as @Lucy suggested to me.
Look after yourself and good luck. If you ever need to talk, you are always welcome to post something here and I will respond as quickly as I can.
-CCX
Hi wuhoo,
You are NOT, I’ll repeat it NOT selfish for thinking about your needs as well. If you didn’t think about hat, if you had no concern for yourself and only his problems there would be something for you to worry about in yourself as that would be severely codependent. You MUST think about yourself and what you want if you are to survive this, and help him and even just be able to have a relationship with him. What you are feeling is natural. And, thinking about yourself, unhooking from his energy, can also serve as a reminder that he is a person underneath. Depression is an illness, not a personality trait. Remembering that can work wonders for much needed self kindness and patience- which are two things you really need when supporting a depressed partner.
I think this has already been said but you can’t fix him. You can support him, let him know you are there, but in the end he has to do the work, you can’t do it for him. Hopefully that will also help you to feel less responsibility towards his illness.
Only you will know when enough is enough, so trust your gut, try to believe in yourself if you can and know you are not alone, and neither is he. You’re only human and can only do so much. Him knowing that on some level may even help him to find help.
Please be gentle with yourself, and of course him, though I imagine you already are wth him!
I hope that’s helpful x
Does anyone else ever get really paranoid when their partner is fine (mine is even on antidepressants), but are worrying if another spell is about to happen. I even get paranoid that he’s going to stop taking his pills, as he did in the past. Whenever my partner is unhappy or angry about something I get so worried that it is going to be something more. We are temporarily in a long distant relationship too, which doesn’t help.
@p- oh man, I feel you. My partner and I are currently long distance too, but he’s currently not on pills because he’s worried that it’ll affect his performance in school. I think it’s perfectly natural to feel a little bit paranoid; I myself am nearly always at least a little worried that something happen, it always feels like it’s the calm before a raging storm.
The way that I try to cope with it is by communicating with him as much as possible and checking in with him in a casual manner every few hours. That may sound overbearing to some, but we have a strong relationship so it’s natural for us. If you don’t communicate frequently, perhaps try that.
But more importantly, I think the thing we as their partners probably both have to do is trust them and let go. Believe me when I say this, I understand how ridiculous and impossible that sounds– even to me it sounds cheesy and foolish. But ultimately, they are the ones who make the choice whether or not to take that pill, or to hurt themselves. We have to trust that they will do the right thing. If you’re feeling paranoid about it, as I frequently do (especially being long distance), then I advise taking in a deep breath and remembering that, if he ends up hurting himself or not taking his pills, it is his decision, not yours. You should NOT feel responsible for his actions. (I may be projecting a little bit onto you, and if so, I’m terribly sorry). I think you just need to trust your partner and have faith that not everything he does is caused by depression. If he’s having a bad day, don’t assume it was caused by depression until/unless he tells you that it was.
Stay strong and good luck,
CCX
Sorry for the really delayed response. I was really emotional at the time as he did go through a depressed spell, but this message meant a lot to me.
He’s now depressed again and he can’t even text me back which is really painful. I read things about why depressed people push others away in person, but i dont understand why he can’t just send a text. I’m crying in bed all day, or just crying in public on the metro (i just dont care anymore) and he knows how much this hurts me. I wish I could walk away from the relationship, it will be better for my own mental health, but i can’t cause of stupid love. Even though it doesn’t feel like he loves me very much when he reads my message saying how much I’m hurting and just need one message and then continues to totally ignore it. I don’t know what to tell my mum when this guy can’t even text me back and breaks my heart cause this is certainly not the first time he has done this to me. I don’t know how to justify this.
You probably will not see this message but I am in a similar position. I had what I thought was an amazing relationship with my boyfriend. Then I felt him distancing from me. It was so painful. He went from doting on me, telling me he loves me to now silence. He won’t talk to me. He has sent me a few messages saying that I’m perfect for him and he’s ruining it. He promises that we will talk then disappears. He literally has broken my heart. It’s the abruptness of it that hurts so much. I don’t want to make this about me but it feels like it is. It’s making me feel worthless and insecure and as though I’m not good enough. This is because he is still going to work and seeing friends etc. Seems to be just me he cannot face. I have tried to be supportive but how can you support someone who does not want your support and won’t speak to you. Every day I don’t hear from him, my heart breaks a little bit more. I would have just wanted him to communicate, tell me how he is feeling so that I could give him whatever he needs eg space. But to just disappear on me feels so cruel. To promise to call then nothing. To ignore my calls. Feels like torture. If someone had said that this beautiful man would have turned into this, I wouldn’t have believed them.
Part of me wants to support him from a distance, the other part just knows I should walk away. Not because he is depressed but because if he doesn’t want help, what will change in the future. He has a very toxic personal set up that he is doing nothing to improve.
I can’t help but think maybe he is cheating on me or has run back to his ex who he has children with.
Hi Guys
I don’t know where to start. About a little over a year ago I meet the most beautiful person in this world.A caring nice man. We was very happy to found eachother and really felt we are soulmates. We still are. I was lived(still living) in an other country so he had waited for me 1 year.We was perfectly happy, but after a while he was started to worry he will loose me. He was thinking a lot, stressing all day, fear , pain , trouble sleeping. His depression started over 10 years ago. Taking medications, have been in hospital once before we met. What we really had was special. But it’s start to fall apart now. One day he says he will not giving up, next day he want to leave me ( than it’s not me who is leaving him- stupid eh? He think thats less painful). I was tried to be patient. I tell him million times he is loveable, I love him, I dont want to leave him . I can calm him for a while. But now I feel I ‘m tired. I feel its only me who want this to work. I love him so much but I can feel the same things like him and started to be depressed and confused. More lows than highs. Basically Im a positive person.But now I dont know what to do. I have a little son who is very sesitive little boy and he dont know but he feels what is happening. And he started to say he is sad.
What should I do? Stay or leave? How can I help?
Ask him to get help if he is not doing it already. You cannot help him if he does not want to help himself. Maybe care for him from a distance for a while, get some space for you and your son, and let him think of what he wants to do and what he is risking losing.
Hang in there xx
Thank you Faith !
I try my best! ????
Hi everyone, I’ve been reading other’s stories and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. My husband has been dealing with depression for about 4 years. Here’s our story. I’ve been married to my husband almost 10 years and together for almost 13 years. We met when we were young, lived in different states, did a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years before getting married. Our marriage was good and we were happy. After 5 years of marriage we decided to start our family and I got pregnant soon after. 20 weeks into the pregnancy we found out there was something wrong with our child and went through the remaining time scared and worried. Our son was born prematurely with a rare genetic syndrome and spent 3 months in the NICU before coming home. He is both physically and mentally disabled and requires a feeding tube. We call him our miracle baby❤️ While he was still in the NICU I would stay with him since it was 1 1/2 hours from home while my husband stayed at home and worked. It was a very stressful time for us all and we didn’t see each other much. My husband started having some anxiety so he started on Xanax. A month or so after he just decided to stop taking them and as a result had a seizure when he was home alone. He broke both of his shoulders and has had 4 shoulder surgeries in less than 3 years. He has dealt with chronic pain ever since and relies on pain medication to get by. He has also had chronic migraines since he was a child and in the past few months he was having one about 3-4 times a month where he would be in bed for 4-5 days at a time. I had also suspected he was depressed but he kept denying it. Our finances have suffered greatly through all of this with our son’s medical condition, my husband’s chronic health problems and him missing so much work. We had little to no intimacy on any level and he hardly spent anytime with me or our son. Things were getting so bad I couldn’t take it anymore and begged him to get help. He finally agreed and went to a psychiatrist 3 months ago and started on an antidepressant. He seemed better for a few weeks after but then started having trouble sleeping which is a side effect of his antidepressant so he would be up for days at a time then just crash for a few days and we wouldn’t see him at all. Now in the last week his doctor started him on another medication to help him sleep which it does but the problem is he can’t get himself out of bed hardly the next day. I am just getting so tired and worn out from dealing with it all and basically having to care for our special needs son alone. I don’t feel we have any connection left between us hardly and we fight all the time. We have a good day here and there when he’s up and feels decent but they’re few and far between. Many days when he’s up he wants to play computer games instead of spending time with me or our son which makes me angry. I’ve started to think more seriously about leaving because I don’t know how much more I can handle but I hate to give up on him because I know how much he’s been through. We are supposed to go to a marriage counselor this week and I’m praying it will help. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m angry and resentful towards him most of the time and I don’t want to live like this anymore. Our son deserves better than to have parents who are always fighting and I want to feel like I have a husband again. Well, thanks for listening.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry. What a hard situation you’re going through. I hope you’re okay. I wish I could help or had some advice to give. I guess I just wanted to let you know that someone listened and someone cares. Sending you love and light❤
My fiancé and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are not perfect, but we’ve had a really good relationship… in my eyes. We have great communication, trust is awesome, we have a genuine love for each other. I knew he had depression, but we’ve always talked through it and moved on. Before I was in the picture he tried everything you can do for treatment. Therapy, medications, talked to friends and family, even tried to kill himself (not exactly treatment). As year 2 approached for us.. he left me. Out of no where. Broke off the engagement and moved out all in the same day. Can you say WTF? I was shattered. From past relationships I can’t help but to assume there is another woman. After 2 weeks of him being gone he “realized” he made the wrong decision and promised he would never do that again. I saw in his eyes that he was genuine and he wanted to come home. Of course I let him. Here we are a year later, coming up on a wedding in process and BAM! He is in the hole again. As positive as I’m trying to be, he keeps putting himself down. As my significant other it is my job to pick him back up and I am giving it my all. I understand he has a lot going through his mind right now, but what baffles me is that he (again) doesn’t know if he wants to continue this relationship. “Maybe it’s cold feet?” I might not know what is going on but I’m 98% sure that isn’t it. I’m am his biggest support system and he wants to get away from me the most. I’ve been giving him his space. We’ve been sleeping in different rooms, and when I see him I tell him how much I love him and how strong he is. He said he needs time to think about his life because right now he doesn’t want to be apart of it. As of right now I know patience is key. That’s what I’ve been reading anyways.. but I don’t get a kiss, a hey babe how you doing, I don’t even get a straight answer as to if he still in love with me.. I’ve been positive around him and behind closed doors I cry and I am broken. Is he going to enjoy this alone time to where he thinks he’ll be better off alone? Is he going to get out of this and come back to me? I really want to let him know that he is hurting me so bad.. but I’m trying my hardest to stay positive. I’m really angry on the inside that he won’t give me an answer and that we are going through this again. This man loves me, I know he does. I can’t help but to expect the worse.. someone out there, help me. Please.
I’m in a very similar situation. So can’t offer much help. I’m searching the internet for help myself, for partners of those depressed. So although I can’t offer advise, if you want to talk with someone understanding, I’d happily listen, and happily share my experiences too.
Hi Jade.I am also in this situation,my name is Velvet.I would love to talk in private,although I am not sure if it’s allowed to share an email here.Let me know first if you wish to chat in private.Thanks a lot!
I have been in a relationship for 16 years with someone who has behaved exactly as you describe your fiancé’s behaviour. The first time he suddenly withdrew and told me he didn’t love me anymore and left was 3 years into the relationship after an idyllic (I thought) holiday in which I had somehow let him down. To this day I still don’t know what I did but at the time I thought I had failed him badly and begged to be given another chance. I even went to counselling by myself to find out how I could save the relationship. To make a long story short, he came back and all was wonderful for a while until the next time I caused him to go into a depression – yes, he said he was depressed and it was my fault because I drove him into it. After another couple of years of this up and down, I couldn’t take it anymore and I left, though I still loved the man he was when he wasn’t in his depressed, angry-at-me state. It was too much emotional upheaval for me and I was miserable. But then we continued to date and it was romantic and wonderful to be living apart and having sleep-overs and only seeing each other when we were at our best. And I knew that he loved me – we had so much together. So, after 2 more years, we moved in together again. To make a long story short – it is now 16 years of this and I am about to leave – this time for good. I regret all the years I tried, over and over again to be supportive, to see him through, accepting that all he could think about was himself because he was trying to hold himself together.Knowing what I know now, if I could, I would go back to the first time he said he was leaving and didn’t love me and let him go, no matter how painful. It has taken so much out of me and all I want now is to be alone and at peace instead of always wondering how he is and when I’m going to do something wrong again.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. That’s what I don’t want. He just left me for the second time. I myself know that I’ll be fine. I know the pain is only for now. But I’m never going to know if someone is being ginuine now. How am I going to know someone loves me? I feel like I’m not going to be able to trust someone enough to give them the love hey deserve. Plus in my mind… everything was fine. I was happy. He left out of nowhere. Will he come back? Is there anything I can do to help?
Hi Taylor and Alia,
Your stories are heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much trauma. I’m in a similar situation, boyfriend of a year and half has depression, had multiple knee surgeries and addicted to opiates as a result. He’s coming through the worst of it and is getting help but only after two suicide attempts this summer.
At the time I didn’t know if I could stay with him because I didn’t know if I could keep him safe. Thanks to the state of the NHS and some pretty desperate clinical psychologists at the hospital to get him home, we had a therapy session, which I think was a bit of a wake up call for him that I can only put up with so much. It sounds tough but as a partner of a depressed person, having boundaries is so important. and after some really inhumane waiting times to get himhelp, he seems to on his way to recovery- after about 9 years of being ill. I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed anyway.
We went on holiday recently and he forgot his medication- cue almost a week of opiate withdrawal, extreme anxiety, irritability and now I discover, some signs of gaslighting which I can’t say I’m not concerned about. We just got back and are both pretty tired, I think it’s going to take a few days to readjust, him to get back in to the proper routine that keeps him going and hopefully a couple of visits to the pain clinic and his doctor will help. I am trying to remain sympathetic but I’ve found it difficult, especially as this could have been avoided so easily and also because I was the only one there so he took it all out on me. I find repeating to myself, it’s not about me, helps.
I am keeping an eye on the situation though and waiting for, hopefully, a referral to his community mental health team. The last time they saw him they discharged him because they’re so underfunded, but his doctor has said she thinks that’s not a good idea.
I was given some advice by my cousin a while back, who happens to be a life coach. She said, you have to detach yourself from his energy and also remember you can’t fix him. It was the most useful advice I’ve had so far.
The other things I’ve found in this process is that you must must must take care of yourself. Depression is an awful thing to suffer with but you are only human and as a partner you have limits, you’re not a professional. It really sounds like both your partners need some help and I suppose all you can do is to let them know that if it feels right.
Alia, If he seeks you out after now breaking up with you for the second time, let him know how you feel. Your feelings are important too and it could be the encouragement he needs to getting professional help. If he doesn’t address his depression, it will get worse. It’s like walking around with a broken arm- another one of my cousins quotes.. I also think and hope this comes across and helpful and supportive as I mean it, that you might benefit from seeing a therapist. I have been seeing one since before I started going out with my boyfriend and the sessions have been so incredibly helpful in helping me to address how I can look after myself, my reactions to the situation or any flare ups and it’s just a space where I can talk about how I feel without worrying what anyone thinks or how they might react. (My family are understandably worried about me and I can’t always talk to them because they start telling me he’s just abusive- lots of history of that kind of thing in our family so they’re tuned in to that quite a lot- the point is I think it’s a difficult situation and not easily explained just by saying oh he’s got depression, he must be being abusive). – make if that what you will and feel free to comment.
I realise I’m in the middle of this and so that there may be things you see in what I’ve written that I can’t, like denial (?!), or maybe you’re in a different place or stage from where we’re at. My friends and my boyfriend tell me I’m amazing, he tells me he loves me all the time. I don’t feel it – the anazingness- and my so called saintly patience (he says I am very patient) is running thin right now. I’m about to start a masters at university and really need to concentrate so I’m worried things are going to blow up, or that the fact he can’t meet my needs is going to cause other problems m, or maybe I just won’t be able to carry on in the relationship anymore. I love him and not just can’t but don’t want to imagine my life without him. I just want him to get better, but I also know I have to think about myself too- that’s not selfish, it’s just also not codependent (another problem area of mine).
Anyway I hope what I’ve shared has been helpful for you on some format. Stay strong. Feel free to reply x
I will help you. My heart goes out to you. You deserve better. Please seperate from him. Save yourself and stop worrying about him. He will ruin your life. He will try to drag you into his dark ugly world. He can only focuses on one thing; that is himself and his painful unhappiness. He will never ever change. PLEASE trust me on this.
Now…. go find yoursekf a good psychologist who can help you stay away from him and those just like him. I bet you have a big heart and find comfort in taking in someone who needs help. Being too good has disadvantages. Please find someone to help you with that. God bless!
My bf of 2 year has been serverly depressed for most of his life when we first met he didn’t really know that and he just thought he got depressed sometimes but as we lived together it started to really prove how bad it is, he is honestly a very caring, nice and loving person who just want affection and I love him. So much. After six months together we went through losing a baby and that really got to him as he get he was letting everyone down and put all the blame on himself and took out the stress and sadness of that blame on himself, I supported him through it all pushing my feelings aside time and time again and after the baby he got so depressed and distant he cheated and that hurt a lot and I forgave him because we’d been through a lot and i love him. After that he finally went to go and get it diagnosed and get help they let us know it might be 6 or more years until he is not serverely depressed and can deal with depression and he has been improving since that whole situation but he’s still greatly suicidal we make a trip to the hospital almost every 3 months and he always get sos depressed before hand and withdraws and then gets angry and then starts to think he’d be better gone and the only way he can kill himself is if I’m not around because he think it will hurt me less if we aren’t together so every time when he is suicidal he tries to break up with me and it breaks my heart every time. And I never let it happen because I know why he’s trying to because usually he is panicking and sad and shaking and just isn’t right. Usually after that we go to the hospital for him. It just all feels like to much of late I love him but I just feel like I’m drowning in all the emotions I get through this and it just it fee to much and I love him I do and I love our life together but I’m only 20 and I’m scared and sad and alone. I love him I just want us to be happy again and not get stressed and fight all the time because he isn’t feeling good and just gets angry I don’t know I think I just needed to at least write down what was going on. Thanks
Hi Jane, sorry to hear about your loss and current situation. My husband has depression and has also cheated. It’s a really tough way to live day in and day out. With someone telling you they love you but then doing things to prove the opposite. Sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at such a young age. I know it’s difficult but you do need to think about yourself also, depression is highly contagious. After a while you may not recognise who you’ve become as you have been tending to his needs for so long!
Maybe taking a break may help you finally deal with the grief you didn’t allow yourself to go through and give yourself time to heal and grow. Although you love him, and I know how devastating it is, you will not be the one to ‘fix’ him. He needs to get there by himself or he’ll never truly heal.
Wishing you all the best and a future that’s bright !
I’ve been with my gf for a year now. Actually I’m not sure where I stand with her ATM. She suffers from depression I knew this starting out but I didn’t know what came with it. Something happened in her life about 4 months ago and she’s just completely withdrawn from me now. She’s the complete opposite of how she was and has shown no disregard for me or our relationship. When it first happened she told me she just needed time and would explain when she saw me. That never happened, now just tells me she’s not ready to see me and I feel like that’s not going to change but I pray I’m wrong. I’ve been trying not to take anything personal while she over comes whatever she is facing but recently her birthday passed in June and I been trying to see her for months but always get the same answer but She told me she spent time with on her bday when she told be she doesn’t want to be around or talk to anyone when I asked to spend time with her. I still love that girl but I feel like our relationship is gone or won’t be the same at this point. I can talk about this all day but I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. Hold on or leave?….
Wow that sounds exactly like my story. My girlfriend was so loving and affectionate for the first six months but then it was like a switch was flipped. She became withdrawn and started pushing me away. Any time I tried to do something nice for her she would pick a fight over silly things. I was going to take her out on her birthday and she started a huge fight with me and refused to go. She would always say she needed to be alone but would go out with her friends. After the last fight she started, I apologized and stopped talking to her. It’s been about 5 weeks now since we last talked and my life is so much better without her. We were together about 11 months. It’s a shame because I loved her family and I really thought she was “the one”. My advice is to get out now before you get depressed. No one deserves to be treated that way and you can find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated. Good luck!
It happened to me too. It’s been four months since he had said that he do not love me anymore. It is so confusing, a day before we were so inlove then we had a fight and left me. He was suffering from depression three months before we broke up. I talked to him last week, and he said that we need to move forward. That he is now really happy and not depressed anymore. I really hope that he can still give me a chance and try again. He is really living his life right now and I’m the only one who can’t accept that we are not really getting back together.
hey the life is a trip .this depression lifts you to the next level of life where you will get a right partner who will love you more more than stars .for now keep yourself busy with the things that make you happy.you can read a bible,novels or study.just pay attention to things which they will give brighter future .because relationship is a game you lose or win .i know it is very difficult to deal with this depression .but just try may god heal your heart
I have found this site very helpful for my current situation. I needed to hear similar stories and connect with people who understand because I was feeling confused and alone. I want to share my story and maybe gain a better understanding of what happened from others.
My boyfriend of 5 years recently broke up with me out of the blue. We were in a happy relationship and had made plans for the future. We lived together and were moving to a new state together. He accepted a promotion and moved into a temporary housing apartment for a month before we could close on our new house. I stayed with family for a few weeks while he got acclimated to his new position. During the first two weeks things were going well and normal. I visited him with his family for a baseball game one weekend. I noticed he was a little anxious while walking to the stadium but did not think anything of it until now. Then after that weekend and he started to work on his own with less help from his trainer things got difficult. He started to be distant and not himself. He explained that he was overwhelmed at work and trying to find his place. Then it started to snowball more and more. He started to overthink everything, especially things from his past/childhood. He said he was more messed up than anyone could imagine, didn’t like who he was, needed to figure himself out, etc. There was so much that I will spare you the details. He said that he wasn’t ready for me to move out there because he didn’t want me to see him in the state that he was in and said it wasn’t fair to me. I tried to explain that I appreciated that he was looking out for me but that we were a team and I just want to be there for him and support him. He said he loved me and hated that he was putting me through all of this. Then he started to withdraw more and more. I finally had enough and got in the car and drove the 7 hours to his apartment one night. He was caught off guard because I knew if I told him I was coming he would have tried to changed my mind. We stayed up all night talking about all the things that were bothering him. He said that I wouldn’t understand because I haven’t been through the same things. I just listened and tried to comfort him. He was clearly distraught. I felt so helpless and scared for him. He said he wanted to try a break or emotional leave of absence from me while he worked on himself. I agreed not knowing what else to do. I begged him to talk to someone like a psychologist and gave him a few options that I had looked up. I left the next day because he said it was too painful to see me. I hated leaving and was scared for him and our relationship of course. I called his sister because I was worried that if he shut me out and was in that bad of a place emotionally that he might do something bad. His sister said she noticed he was kind of off but it was more like he was living a double life and did not know about all the struggles, emotions, and feelings he was having. She was concerned and asked me what we should do. She also had suggested that he seek therapy. He contacted me during our “break” and said things were going to be harder than he expected and that he contacted the therapist I suggested. We still were in contact although it was minimal and I felt like I was forcing it. He was still withdrawn and started to not be able to say I love you to me which was extremely painful and like some monster had taken over him. He was cold, distant, and selfish. He wanted to only talk to people who had no idea of his struggles. Finally, I had a bad feeling after not speaking to him after 24hrs that he was going to break up with me. He did. He said that he couldn’t see a future with me right now and that he needed to do things for himself and figure himself out. He said he didn’t want to be with anyone. I was and still am completely heart broken. The more I read on here I find and am more convinced that he has depression. The stress of a new job and a big move I think triggered it and I wish I would have noticed sooner and been able to convince him to get some professional help. I still have to get my stuff from the house we were suppose to move into together. All I can think about his how much I want him back and to get better and to learn how to support him. I have been giving him space as of right now because it is too painful for me to contact him. I don’t want to give myself false hope. I’m trying to get my life back together but it has been a real struggle.
Hello,
Scrolling down and reading everyone’s stories gives me a sense of relief. I have been with my wife now for two and half years. Things started out great, we were happy. About a year and a half ago she started her new job after getting her bachelors degree and she was excited to start her career and to start making more money. She found a job and everything was looking like it was just going to get better. Now she hates her job. She is underpaid, and has to drive to work 30 minutes to and from just to sit at desk all day being unhappy. She’s done everything she possibly can to get promoted within her company and has had no luck. Not even a single interview. Although, I can say with 100% certainty that its not because she is under qualified but because the company she works for plays favoritism. Its all about who you know there. For a little over a year now she’s been dealing with her depression. She has her moments when she seems okay and in a good mood but then something happens that just triggers it. It could be a normal day with everything going well and then out of nowhere she will start feeling down and feeling stuck at her job. She tells me that she feels like she is alone. I’ve been there for her every step of the way, giving her all the support I can.
I’m there for her everyday, I try to tell her that things will be fine and that it takes time. I tell her she’s strong, that she can take anything that gets thrown her way, and to just keep trying. Nothing I say or do seems to work. I can think back on instances where I would give her advice, try to talk to her and she would shut me down. Tell me “not to be stupid. This is how life is”. But then there have been times where she gets the same advice from another person (family, friends, coworkers) and it seems to put her more at ease than when I told her the same thing before. I really don’t feel like my advice does anything for her, like everyone else can make her feel better but I cant and it kills me. I’m starting to feel like i’m useless to her and cant do anything. This has caused me to really lose mental focus lately. I have so much negativity in my head that I cant pay attention to anything or anyone. This is causing me to make mistakes with daily things at home like chores for example. Lately anytime I mess up on something she gets angry with me. She says I never listen and never pay attention. She constantly calls me stupid for my mistakes and when I try to defend myself and explain what is going on with me she gets even angrier and has stormed off to shut herself in the bedroom. I sit there, and think to myself “she’s right, all I do is mess things up”. I miss her. I miss being physical with her. We don’t kiss very much anymore. I cant even remember when we last had sex. At this point I have been turned down by her so many times that i’ve given up trying to initiate anything. I’ve lost all of my self-confidence, i have basically no self-esteem, and just feel so insecure about myself now. I’ve brought this up to her and she says “of course i’m still attracted to you, I just don’t really have a sex drive anymore”. It hurts me so much to feel like the love of my life has no interest in me physically. Even though she says its not true after a while you cant help but just feel like it is. Its made me feel like all I am is a friend to her. And even still shes nicer to all her friends. Im the one that she gets mad at, vents too, lashes out on. Its not fair. She spends all her time looking at her phone now and even when she puts it down she goes right back to it after 5 minutes. Again this is something i’ve brought up to her and she tells me that “her phone is her outlet, it helps her get away from everything”, it upsets her anytime I bring up how she’s always on her phone.
I grew up with very little. My family had its fair share of problems. Dad was in jail a lot of my life or out for days at a time doing drugs with his buddies. My mom and I ended up living in the back of the very small business building that they owned for about 6 years. We were at the bottom. Ive always been a very positive person. Even on my worst days, staying positive even if I knew things wouldn’t go well is what kept me sane. It helped me cope and get through those bad times. Ive worked hard to get where I am today and I attribute that to always keeping positive and trying. Even when im down I get back up.. Well I feel broken now. I’m not myself, and I can’t find that silver lining that I used to rely on. I don’t exactly love my current job either but I feel like with her depression, and her telling me that things will never get better and just constant negativity have put me in that mindset. I now dread my job. i dread everything. I know she tries, and I try too but I miss the girl that I feel in love with. I miss who I used to be. Thanks for reading.
God, I really feel for you. In fact it made cry, because partly I know the feelings, but also because some of those behaviours are bullying, although she’s sick, so I’m sure you don’t even feel you have the right to say” I’m being treated badly.”It literally sounds like your heart is breaking.
I’m a woman, is the other way around but I know the feeling of rejection. Wanting to be wanted. I don’t think it’s even about wanting sex, just to be able to get close and feel like you are ‘good enough’. For your words that are giving with love to be heard . Rather than met with irritation. Thankfully my partner is up and down like a yo-yo so I do get good days and bad days. I don’t think my heart and mind could take the indirect insults and the blank emotions constantly. What I have learned b is that when he crashes , i usually follow. It sounds like you are just as depressed but although you are trying to get her through it, she isn’t in a position , or maybe willing to put her feelings aside , just for a while, to support you. Please spend some time loving yourself. You seem like a good kind man. I hope the lady you love gets better, but please don’t allow your life and spirit to be crushed. I wish you well. ????
Hello Buddy,
As I was reading I felt it was me writing it. I fell in love with a woman I think was and still is my soul mate. I was with her for 7 yrs until 2015 she called broke up with me 1 week after our 7 yr. anniversary. I was alone in our apartment for about a Month. Missed her sleeping next to me, her smile, laugh, touch and kisses. I got depressed and all I did was drink and lost a lot of weight. We moved out of our apartment and I went back to my parents and she went to hers. When she left I felt Abandoned, confused as a week earlier she was telling me I love you and I’m lucky to have you. I didn’t know why and all I could think is the worse. I would try calling her and hang out with her and she would just be rude, angry and insulting me. We kept in touch, talked a lot on the phone and saw each other a lot still. But it was different. She wouldn’t spend a lot of time with me like we did when we lived together or she wasn’t affectionate at all. I would try to kiss, hold her hand and she wouldn’t have any of that. She would just seem so heartless. Later after being sad and still trying to get her back she told me she needed to see a Doctor because she felt sad, cried a lot, slept a lot, wanted to be left a lone and would feel angry and anxiety attacks. The woman I fell in love with was no more, this woman in front of me was different. I didn’t give up on her and stayed by her side. Like you Buddy, no sex, no physical contact. It broke me, on her bad days she would insult me and she knew what to say to hurt me. I felt like lost, alone, my self esteem was at a all time low as I’ve never ever felt that in my life. I felt I was always walking on egg shells with her. I had to watch what I said and how I said it. Man, it was so stressful and hurtful to not be able to be myself around her and to see her this way. What helped me was having 2 great friends help me in my time of need. They listened to me day after day to my feelings and my heart aching from seeing my loved one in so much rage and not knowing what was wrong.
She finally went to the Doctor after a year. It seemed to help but she started back at square one. She said the medicine made her feel stupid and numb. I started to get space from her as I felt it was starting to affect me. I felt I was just focused on her and her some more. What about me? I cant stop my life, she knows I love her and that I would not give up on her because I have been there since our break up 2 yrs ago. Doctor Visits, Late night talks when shes crying or sad. I have let it be, I give her her space and no longer chase after her to get her back. I love her truly as I have never loved someone but I have to think about ME now. Think and take care of YOU Buddy. You will have moments of memories, sadness and tears will fall from your eyes when you listen to a song, a certain smell that reminds you of the good times spent with them. I WILL always Love that woman but it is time to let her be. It’s 2 yrs and yet I don’t know where I stand. I was scared to wait and wait and she moves on. that’s what I don’t want. Take care of yourself buddy, I also grew up in a low income household and gang infested neighborhood where most of my friends I grew up are deceased, in and out of jail or in jail for life. she knows my struggles to be the man I am today. I feel guilty sometimes that I haven’t done enough for her but yet what is? I stopped calling her and she would call me now and look for me but yet nothing close to what I longed for, a “I love you, thank you for being there for me when I need you” a kiss a touch nothing. she is someone I don’t recognize anymore and it hurts me. All I have is the memories and the pictures of her smiling. best wishes buddy.
I am going through the same thing. She left and I am alone, keep reading about depression. Sounds like you just have to let hew go, she is broken and YOU can not fix her. I can not fix my love, and its been 17 years. She left. She is a train wreck that just wont stop.
pray everyday god will help you .like me i met new boyfriend who is caring and loving person.i have little depression because he offed his cell phone until today i told god about him .now i am okay i feel constant love of god .dont fear to say everything give him clear information you will see a wonderful miracle.you can”t believe this my exs want me back because god start to do a reward to them they are cry and seeing me as a queen now.
I have been married almost 4 years. I am 32 and my husband just turned 40. We have not been able to conceive or get pregnant. we have done 2 surgeries because I have stage 2 endometriosis. 3 failed inseminations. Multiple rounds of medications. All fails. As a wife who suffers from infertility this is normal behavior. I know because I live it. Every day. It is a struggle. Infertility can make a woman feel useless and when you see every one around you getting pregnant except yourself its a slap in the face and another reminder that you have “failed” as a woman. Also the fact you already have 2 kids from other women is prolly very hard for her, because she wants to be the woman having your kids, she is your wife. Please note that infertility and depression go hand in hand. The only advice I have is the The only thing that gets me by is praying. Its God. I don’t know if you or your wife are religious. But I have found as well as my husband, that it does help to pray or listen to a sermon on those” really bad” days. Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Ugh, I’ve been going through it for almost 3 years now with my boyfriend. He didn’t have a good childhood at all. His mom was abusive towards him growing up, and his dad suffers from schizophrenia. When we are together, we laugh, talk, have fun, and are very much inseparable. When he starts to have a bout of depression, he can be very hard to deal with. He speaks as if he’s always angry. He doesn’t want to go home, so he drives around at night; he will normally go park at a gas station instead of going home. He starts back smoking cigs when we’ve both tried to get him from smoking them. He doesn’t smoke when he isn’t depressed. I’ve tried to get him to talk to his friends because he always says that I don’t understand what he’s going through or where he’s coming from. Since that’s the case, I’ve researched additional ways for him to seek help since he can’t afford professional help. He said he can’t talk to his friends about this, but yet he steady complains about me doing a horrible job at supporting him. So I even suggested that he join a support group or that he gets on to a supportive app. I use the app called Whisper and it has seriously helped me to deal with stress and to cope when dealing with my boyfriend’s issues. When I suggested these ideas to him, I guess he thought I was being sarcastic and said that he would take my advice by driving around the street to find a stranger to talk to. That kinda hurt my feelings because I was sincere and was actually trying to help.
Sometimes I wonder if some people with depression are just mean in nature because when they are around other people, they aren’t mean towards them, but when they get around their spouse or partner, they just become mean and rude. I know I can’t speak for others but sometimes I do feel like this in the case of my boyfriend.
Hi all,
Ok, so this is an update from my last email sent in June 2016. My husband who was yelling at me all the time for stupid little things is now seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication. Great right? Not really. It looks like he has changed but he hasn’t. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have 2 as well from a previous marriage too. Before my husband went to see his therapist, we used to fight almost everyday over stupid little things. He started his therapy and his doctor promised me that she will help him, us. Now I seriously do not believe that depression makes people do the things they do. Could they just be evil humans living amongst us? Reason why I ask this is, my husband and I spoke to his therapist and she told him that he needs to be grateful that i am there for him and all sorts. He KNEW that he was not gonna win this one. Then he slowly started pushing the blame to my kids. Is this depression? He started smoothly telling her how my kids are not disciplined by me. We went to talk about this and I lost my cool and lost it. We started yelling at it other at her office. She decided that she didnt want to see me anymore she would focus on him as her patient. Ok, everyone who sees my kids talks about how well mannered they are. He manipulated the whole situation so that he can get reason to behave the way he does. He is now focusing his anger towards my kids. I hate him so much. My kids seem to be addicted to the situation as I am. When I try to prepare them to leave they tell me they are happy. He is very manipulative and he is very evil to do this. I am currently studying Psychology as I want to understand these people and to help myself and my kids.
Lindsey,
I’m sorry things have not gotten better after therapy and medication. From what I read, I hear it takes time for those things to start helping. Even then, it may not be as good as before. It is probably hard to hear/see the man you love(d) is now attacking your children, and naturally, you will go into defense mode for them. However, I think it may be time for you to get your own therapy to help process this all with a different therapist. You cannot expect change overnight, but it may be able to help you accept what is going on or figure out what you can do.
Hello,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and it’s been long distance thus far because he is usually on the road for work. We usually try to see each other once or twice a month, and we talk and text everyday. For 8 weeks he was in Puerto Rico for work and as soon as he returned back to the states he came to visit me for a week. He left almost two weeks ago and I have not physically talked to him since. When ever he is not on the road or not with me he goes into a depression and wont talk to me he only text me to say he going through emotional issues but he is ok. This only last a couple of days and he is back to himself. It has never gone on this long, it will be two weeks this Thursday and I don’t know what to do. I still get I love you text every couple of days and just a day ago he told me he didn’t know how long he could take being apart. His absence is tearing me apart, i’m worried that I will never talk to him again. I try to keep busy but I find myself looking at my phone for a text, call or something. What do I do ? my stomach is in knots I cant focus I cant eat !!! this is one of the most painful feeling in the world.
I understand your pain and have been through similar with a distance relationship. The only way to get through this, is to talk to him about it; tell him how much pain this is causing you and that you need to get your needs met too, if the relationship is to continue. It’s hard to speak up sometimes and even harder to deliver an ultimatum, but the pain can’t get any worse than what you’re already experiencing.
My husband has anxiety to the point that he has told me that he has thought of killing himself due to how much money we would get from life insurance policy. He believes since financially we are now not doing well since he has decided to leave a job that we both work at that it would be best for the family. I am to the point I want to scream due to the crazy way he is viewing this situation. Ive told him I will stand by him regardless but this mess is just too much! I found him in his truck during the day, sweating so bad, looked like he was trying to kill himself. I called him out but he denied it. It seems like he is doing this just to see what will happen. We have 3 kids. 2 from his prior marriage and my daughter from previous relationship. He is ruining my ability to be patient. What should I do?
This could be my story. My husband is the same! He also told me that he was thinking of killing himself so that I’d get the life insurance. We have 2 children and I feel utterly trapped. I regularly have nightmares about being trapped in a cage or elevator and have realized that it’s because that’s how I feel in my waking life.
I feel desperate and no longer know this person that I’m stuck with. I fantasize about leaving and having a normal life, but then I realize how truly trapped I am. I don’t think he’ll ever improve. I made him go to a shrink and take meds, but it’s done nothing!
I wish I could offer advice, but I’m in the same boat and really don’t know what to do.
God you guys, I feel awful for you. But I also feel awful for your partners. Admitting there is a problem is a truly scary thing and it takes time, so even though they might be seeking help because you encouraged them, they might not have had a moment where they’ve been able to admit to themselves or turn a corner yet. Therapy and meds take a long time to work so you really need to be patient with it, though believe me, I know that’s not easy.
If your partner is in such a mess with anxiety, he will be in hell right now. My partner says it’s like feeling you’re going to fall over every waking minute of every day. I can’t imagine what that’s like, though my anxiety has got worse since our relationship began. If you can try to remember that though this is hard on you and your feelings are totally understandable and human, they are going through it a hundred times over, because they aren’t coping, because they are ill. Hopefully that will help your patience, which will help you, because it is a lot to bare.
Let your husband know that he can turn to you and talk to you if he wants to, that he won’t be judged and it’s ok to struggle- allowing him the space to feel secure in your relationship and being able to turn to you could really help him seek help. Remember he is. Or choosing these feelings and he can’t just snap out of them. Encourage him to seek help, but don’t demand it of him as this could backfire. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
in the mean time look after yourself, if you can find 5 minutes for yourself do, it’s really important. If you can find therapy or an online forum for carers and family that could help too- I use sane, who are a uk based charity, and having that anonymous space to vent has been so helpful and the people in there are so supportive. Spending time on hobbies and distractions, even though they are just on the surface, can be great coping mechanisms. And finally, be kind to yourselves, you have a lot on your plate.
I hope that’s helpful xx
Im the depressed partner. My husband cant cope with me and drinks and smokes to access. He has a high powered job and as such is under extreme stress for that and as we speak is in Europe . He flew out the day I was diagnosed!!. So I have been left to manage through. I do take offence that the partner is in no way at fault for their partners depression. Some partners may inflict abuse at their partners which leads to the depression. My husband is a good man whom I love deeply and while 90% of my depression is caused by grief, 2 medical conditions on top of each other, a grandchild being diagnosed with a serious disability and other family issues a blow up with a neighbour of 30 years narcissistic treatment of me was the final nail. The reason being is my husband wants to be friends with these people after his wife/he has been insulted. That just crushed me to the core. I understand my H is out of his depth with how narcs operate .He took offence at ME for telling this person her behaviour was unacceptable to me/us after years of our loyalty. He is a person that cant defend people and I have been never been able to go to him with an issue ad I always have gotten the blame. So dont tell the depressed persons other that they have NOTHING to do with their partners depression. No, I havent been easy to live with but I neither has he. I could go on but I wont.
Hi whitepointer,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time. I read your post and it made me want to reach out to you. That’s horrid that he can’t be more supportive, it sounds like he’s got his own demons, which even though gains understanding, doesn’t really help you. I hope you find the strength to get through this, with or without his support.
Sending much love and support your way, wherever you are xx
I am a 50+ year old woman with a husband who has likely been depressed all his life. We’ve been married 25 years and have three adult children. Youngest is heading out to college next year. My husband’s depression has worsened in the last few weeks after being told that his type 2 diabetes has progressed and he is now on more meds. To him, everything in his life is horrible. God hates him and is doing this to him to punish him because he hates him. He refuses to get any help, always has, because he is in law enforcement and he fears if anything ever came out. He is verbally abusive one minute and then sweet as pie the next and gets mad at me for being upset. I have been on anti anxiety meds for almost 12 years now, and I truly think that much of my issues comes from dealing with him. I love him, but am no longer IN LOVE with him. It is just too much work. I have always said I would stick it out until the kids are grown and now that is almost here, but I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. I fear he will end his life. What do I owe him? What do I owe my kids? What do I owe myself?
I live almost the same life as you. I am 52, married 32 years with 2 children 22 and 27. My husband had a crappy childhood and I had a fabulous one. I think I took him in as a project and I am exhausted. I have shown him love and taught his great family traditions etc. He has come so far but his depression has killed our relationship. I do not like him and my only happiness is when he is away working. He worked away from home for 4 years and I was much happier but he still SHARED his depression long distance. He has always been jealous but I have never cheated or even talked with another man. I would never do that to him I don’t want to leave him but I also hate living this way. I am a optimistic happy person. His depression is killing me. My kids and I walk on egg shells and always have. They both support me and have no idea why I stay. He refuses to get help, he carries a fire arm legally and thinks he will lose that ability if he takes anti depressants. PLEASE DONEONE GIVE ME ADVICE ON WHAT TI FO!
“I have always said I would stick it out until the kids are grown and now that is almost here, but I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. I fear he will end his life. What do I owe him? What do I owe my kids? What do I owe myself?”
Those words could be from my very own mouth. The only difference in our story is that I’m a bit younger….36, been with my husband for 22 years, have 2 grown kids but also an 11 yr old at home. I’ve always pushed thru telling myself I’d leave when they were grown. I just don’t know if I can do it any more!!! Thoughts of leaving him feel me with such guilt and thoughts of staying feel me with despair. 🙁 You said it best……What do I owe him?? What do I owe myself?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and he always warned me that his depression can strike at any time and that he’ll be distant and will shut himself off, he said this has ruined his romantic relationships in the past. I always told him that i’d be there for him and he can be distant if he ever needs to be.
A few days ago we had a fight over him being back in contact with his ex, before this everything was perfect, yet after the fight he needs time and doesn’t know if our relationship will work out. At first he said that the problem is that we don’t communicate, but that quickly turned into his depression flaring up and he needs time.
He won’t talk to me on the phone or through text and he won’t see me. I can’t tell if he wants to break up and is putting it off and that’s why he’a ignoring me, or if he genuinely needs time and wants to be with me.
The past few days not hearing from him have been absolute torture, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I spend my hours in work crying in the bathroom and I’ve become obsessive about checking if he’s online and worrying about who he’s talking to and why he can’t talk to me.
I know we’ve only been together a hand ful of months but I love him so much and I just want everything to be ok again, I feel like I’ve done something awful and he’s making me suffer. Someone please help 🙁
Iv been with my partner 9 months now and he told me about his depression but not at the state it is now we had a argument which sent him over and he did not speak to me for over 2 months and finally he asked me to lunch and we talked it over and told me everything hat was going on but he did so being cold and distant not looking me in the eye not touching me but he sounded upset, he could not even hug me or kiss me because he said he has changed and he’s not Somone who I’d want to kiss. He knows I love him and I told him that I’m going to be here for him when ever he needs me but as if now he needs us to be distant but he’s destroying himself inside he’s not the care free man that I fell in love with but he’s still the man I love and support.
Get out while your relationship is still fresh. It won’t get better. It’s a never ending spiral of walking on egg shells and false hope. Don’t feel bad. Just get out while you can. Take it from someone who’s need in a loveless marriage due to his depression for over 20 years.
run don’t walk to the nearest exit before ur too invested in this guy because this is how life with him will always be and pls get help for ur self because for ur obsessive personality because this is the way u will live by ur own obsession
Run, run, run from him as fast as your feet will carry you. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. When we met, he told me that he’d suffered from depression when he was younger, but he seemed mentally healthy when I met him, so I stayed with him and we married.
He’s been in a terrible state of anxiety and depression for the past 3 years and is destroying my life, our family life (we have 2 kids), our finances (he’s having trouble keeping a job) and any hope that I have for the future.
He’s utterly dependent on me emotionally and it’s like living with an emotional vampire.
I left my country for him, my parents are dead and I have no one else in the world that can help me. If we didn’t have kids, I’d leave him, even though I still love him. Depression makes people increasingly selfish and it makes them incapable of giving emotionally to their loved ones.
If I could turn back time, I’d run far from him, but I’m trapped. I have 2 kids, no money of my own and no one to turn to.
You are not married to him, you’re free to leave and still have hope of a happy future. Leave!!!!
This comment really struck me. I am in a relationship with someone who has depression and you’re story is what I am petrified of for the future.
How are things now? Any different from a few months ago?
hi Nicola, your situation seems quite similar to mine. I have also only started a relationship with someone who is depressed, and he is going through a depressed period right now… it is all new for me and I have for the first time reached out on the internet to try and let it out and be able to find people in the same situation. we can talk if you’d like, maybe we can help or support each other.
Hey mel,
I’m in the same situation and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months and his father committed suicide a year ago. He is very stressed because of school and clearly is depressed. When I’m with him he is mostly loving, we cuddle, he sometimes tells me he loves me, but when I’m not with him, he doesn’t text me, he says it’s not my fault and he’s sorry, but he needs space. I’m so scared of losing him and I love him so much. It’s driving me crazy and it’s gotten to the point that I feel like he doesn’t care about me. When I tell him that, all he does is say that he understands and he’s sorry.
Mel, Nicola,
I know it’s been a while, but if you are still around, do you mind telling me how you are getting on? I was dating someone with depression for 5 months, and he broke up with me out of the blue even though things seemed to go well between us and I was growing increasingly fond of him. Still trying to make sense out of it all…
Hi Nicola,
I know it’s been awhile since you’ve posted on here, but your situation sounds just like mine. May I ask what happened with the relationship? Thank you and I hope you’re well.
Trina
Am Jennice, a young good looking girl who fell in love with a man that was financially broke. I support him and make sure to entertain him best way I could. This man later became my husband, I agreed to marry him despite his condition, moreover a foreigner in my country. Life was very difficult for him, he knew no one ,got forsaken by the very people he looked up to. I was with him and then I found out my husband was seriously depressed. How he always gives out deep breath, staring in the skies like thinking mood activated. Get provoke by little things. Changed completely towards me. He was not acting matured enough like before. A lot of sign to tell he was depressed. He keeps saying am depressed. Too bad I can’t afford to send him to a check up. He is jobless at the moment, no one can afford to employ foreigner or it seems there is no luck in our search. So many times I feel like divorcing him, when he get angry he slaps me or hurt me badly,becames lovely guy again after pleading not to abandon him.so many times I run away from the house but I keep coming back because he keeps saying sorry and plead as well. Am confused nothing I do please him. Am getting fed up. I love him but at this point my life is sinking in my own tears!!
I’m so glad I found this website. The comments gives me strength to keep going.
My boyfriend also suffers from depression. He has severe drinking problems, and cut himself several times when he was in college.
From time to time he’d be the loving person I used to know, the sweetest soul on earth, the love of my life. But most of the time he’s cold, cruel, and treats me as if I am a stranger. He puts on a mask of happiness in front of his friends, not many of them know about his depression.
We broke up once, because of his weird mood swings, and I tried to date other people, but I wasn’t able to move on, even though I’ve met some awesome guys who were emotionally stable. It wasn’t until several months after we broke up that I realized he was depressed when we were together. I knew he used to be severely depressed in college, but I thought it was a thing in the past.
All of a sudden everything started to make sense. He reached out to me several times after we broke up, crying, telling me how much he loved me but were unable to maintain a relationship, begging me not to leave him again. I thought he was lying. Turns out, he wasn’t.
Being with him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Most of the time I have to convince myself that he still loves me, which can be incredibly hard, because he usually acts as if he just wants me to disappear. Once he told me that he’s going away on a trip for two weeks the night before he leaves, and then didn’t check his phone throughout his trip. Once he slept with another woman just to make me leave him. I do not know if he actually meant to do any of those, or is it just his depression? He pushes me away, and then he begs me to come back to him. Over and over and over again.
Sometimes I don’t know if it’s still worth it to forgive him. I find it hard to believe that he had no malicious intention when he did any of those things.
It’s one thing to be noble and supportive, and it’s another thing to be an enabler. Stepping outside of what I assumed was a monogamous relationship is a breach of trust that goes beyond the easily forgivable. If it was me, and even if you truly love him and want him back, I would set a ultimatum of him seriously pursuing help for a significant period of time until he can have the chance to win you back. Depression may be only one of a series of things that he needs to heal before he can support you. You deserve to be treated with respect, even by someone who is depressed. There is a difference between a depressed boyfriend who still loves you on the inside, and one who doesn’t see you as worthy of even basic courtesy.
I understand that your partner has depression and it’s difficult to deal with, but cheating on you is just absolutely awful. If he doesn’t want to be with you he should tell you. He’s playing games with you and being a coward and I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy that way. There comes a stage where you have no choice but to let go, and his sleeping with another woman is your wake up call. I don’t mean to sound harsh and I wish you all the best because I do understand how unbelievably painful it is to be in this situation and you probably don’t want to throw away all of the hard work and time you’ve put into the relationship, but it’s not fair on you, you deserve to be happy aswell.
I have been living with my wife who has Depression with Psychosis. This has been going on for 3 years straight, she was hospitalised two years go and spent 6 weeks in a mental health hospital in the UK. The light at the end of the tunnel in our relationship seems to be fading away, she recently turned to alcohol to self medicate on dealing with the psychosis part of her illness. Of course booze mixed with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics is not a good combination. I found this page as I googled “my depressed partner is making me depressed”. I have tried everything, and all those things you mentioned above and more I have done. I don’t want to throw a 20 year relationship away, but live just feels pretty rubbish at the moment. I literally have to do everything to keep our marriage going, I finance the house, pay all bills, cook all food, pay for all holidays, I clean the house, maintain the house, offer all the love, support and kindness I can give, I also work full time on top of all this. I seriously feel like I could walk away from this all now…..it is breaking my heart, literally, I feel so sad with all of this 🙁
Tim,
I’m so sorry you are feeling hopeless. I’m lying in bed typing this as my husband’s depression (last 3 years) has gotten me depressed. I am lonely, unmotivated, angry and tired. I know I need to look for help but I don’t have the energy.
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and don’t have advice yet but I hope it helps to know you are not alone. You wil get through this.
As hard as it seems, at some point we all need to think of ourselves too. What if the depression magically disappeared, whats the extent of the damage to your relationship? I am a typical enabler. I just want to keep all the balls in the air. But I’m exhausted. I walk on eggshells, I’m not supposed to talk, just be talked at. Sometimes (often) I’m ignored. He can glare at me and tell me he’s not angry with me. I just want to curl up and disappear when he does that. I’m at the point where I’m in danger of losing myself. It’s almost time to go
Cal, I just read your post and it sounds really worrying. Are you ok? I know this is a while ago, but I really hope things have improved for you.
Are you getting support?
If not there are some great mental health charities out there that have wonderful support forums for you to vent on. Please look after yourself, though I know it’s tiring. Also, if you don’t want to go he nhs route, and right now my current position on that is- who could blame you- then there are lots of talking therapists available all over the uk Who are generally reasonably priced and also do discounts – mine does anyway.
To everyone on this particular feed, I really hope things are improving for you and your partners and families. I understand exactly what it’s like. Please take care of yourselves, you all matter very much x
I’ve been feeling all alone in a helpless place and this site has helped me realize that I am not alone in what I’m experiencing, and that there is hope.
I have dated my boyfriend for two years (he is 34, I am 30) and he has been committed, kind, and loving. The exception is that every few months (quarterly) he is triggered but a random thing or interaction we have (small fights) and withdraws from me, which could last several weeks. Almost overnight, he seems to become a different person unable to show me love, or converse with me, and says that he just doesn’t feel good about the relationship and seems overall sad. He eventually comes back to me if I do something to break the cycle, like show up at his place forcing a resolution, sometimes apologizing profusely. Suddenly, it’s like a cloud passes and he is normal again.
I’m in one of these cycles now that has lasted 6 weeks after we had a minor fight about scheduling travel plans. He has completely shut down from me, unlike previous times where he still talked to me, no longer answering my calls or texts. He wrote to me that he is unable to offer a stable relationship until he resolves his inner conflicts, as he is experiencing a rough season full of emotions and sadness. He said he cannot make a decision about our relationship until this storm passes. It has been very hard for me because my only two options are to wait for him in limbo, or to end the relationship (which are both not preferable). I have tried everything to break this cycle from writing him emails to showing up at his place but with no success. I am trying to remain hopeful though I am just physically and emotionally exhausted.
At first I thought his behavior was attributed to him being an extreme introvert, finding solace in isolation after any conflict. It helps to know there is a label to it: depression. I know this will only continue until he becomes self-aware and gets the treatment he needs. Right now I am trying to give him the space he asked for, taking care of myself as best as I can, and remaining hopeful. It is really difficult because there is no timeline for when he will be “normal” again and I feel this is slowly destructive to both myself and our relationship.
Just an update on my situation that despite my gentle attempts to reach back out, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. He had asked if I had been talking to anyone about our problems, and I said no, just my therapist (knowing that the real answer would make him mad). Then he yelled at me a few hours later saying that he heard I was talking to his coworkers about him (which is true, because I had asked a mutual friend if he was doing ok, since he wasn’t answering my calls) and then called me disrespectful for talking to his friends and said that I lied to him. He said I know he is very sensitive to lying and he needs to be with a partner who is 100% honest. He dismissed my attempts to explain, and I apologized profusely. He told me that I should feel free to move forward without waiting for him, that it’s not fair to me. I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said he was not sure, but he is scared of future lies.
I also heard from a friend that he was leaving the country to visit his family (which I know he was considering months ago), and I was hurt to learn this because he hadn’t told me and it is symbolic of how distant we have become. I had asked him about it nonchalantly and he refused to answer the question and said it was zero related to me.
His 8 year old nephew messaged and called me saying that he heard about our problems and he hopes we solve them because he doesn’t not want me to be part of his family. It broke my heart. In the background of the video call I saw my boyfriend and since we were talking about honesty I messaged him to tell him his nephew had called me. I did not expect him to lash out asking why I answered, saying that my actions are very wrong and that I need to stop communicating with his family.
Part of me wonders if this is his depression (or “inner demons” as he is calling them) talking. Regardless, the evolution of this situation makes me feel very depressed, anxious, and in the wrong and automatically cater to him. This last accusation was exhausting and I don’t think I did anything wrong. I just know he is not being very kind to me (and temperamental and controlling) and assuming the worst. I really don’t know what to do because the kind, sweet, empathetic man I once knew just morphed into a very mean, distant monster. Appreciate any advice or support anyone can provide.
Hi Rebecca,
It doesn’t sound like depression alone but also malignant narcissism. The signs are that you have to walk on eggshells, apologise profusely, be kept in limbo (being told you can leave yet say he is unsure about breaking up), be unfairly blamed (accused of future lying) for his keeping you in limbo about the relationship, being treated worse and told less than his colleagues and family,…
That he was once kind, sweet and empathic is a typical method used by a malignant narcissist in order to reel you in and once you are securely in his power (both your posts show reluctance to leave despite his abuse, yes it is abuse), endless put you through cycles of hope and despair, whilst constantly being made to feel that you are to blame, or that you need to apologise profusely for a storm to pass.
It is early in the relationship. It gets worse the longer the relationship goes on. An 8 year old nephew is showing signs of being used to manipulate you. How could an 8 year old have the maturity to ”hear about your problems, hope you can resolve them and contact you by text and call to say so”? Boyfriend was not in the background of the call by chance you know. He used his nephew to reel you in again and yet again using the same a young and easily manipulated child, he put all responsibility for fixing the relationship on you. When you responded by informing him, he knew you were reeled in again and then he abused some more.
Your kind heart is causing you blindness and naiveté. Open your eyes and get out now while establishing what we call ”No Contact”.
Look it up…
I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks, no matter what you do you feel like a failure in your relationship. We try and fight so hard because we feel like the kind loving person we once knew will reappear and we can move forward and get back on tract. I’m in a similar situation, been with my bf for 3 years, we planned on getting married, buying a house, having kids, etc for a very long time everything was wonderful. Then the small sudden changes, they seem just a little down, moving a little slow. I always attributed it to his work, he runs his own company and i can’t remember the last time he had a day off, he’s highly stressed. then more changes, the more stressed he became the more he changed towards me, becoming a monster. I always felt like i was walking on egg shells, and when i would say that it would be thrown back in my face as if i was the non sentsitive one.
I feel like i’ve had to sensor my words and actions for such a long time now because i know the smallest slight against him, is blown completely out of proportion and he actually makes me feel awful and i always apologize profusely for something i shoudln’t even apologize for, i feel like i can no longer freely express my feelings.
For so long i have blamed depression for his behavior, giving him a free pass. If i was to look objectively on our relationship, as i bet many other people on here could agree, it may seem like were almost all in a semi emotionally abusvive relationship. The cold wall of silence, that can last for weeks on end, if you google “silent treatment” it’s classified as emotional abuse, yet we are supposed to sit here and allow it to happen with open arms, welcoming them back freely, mean while we’ve been in our own personal hell for how ever long the silence lasts.
I’m going on 3 months now of dead silence. We never had a fight, nothing happened to trigger it, he stopped communicating literally mid conversation of a text message!! We were sending funny memes back and fourth, and then boom silence. It had happened several times before also with no trigger, this is BS, no one should have to endure what we endure! Imagine if the tables were turned, imagine if we acted this way towards the ones we love with depression, they would hate us and never look back.
We give and give love, open arms, forgiveness, and kindness with absolutely nothing in return from our partners, we have to resort to a forum. I believe in loyalty and respect to the highest degree, and that’s all ive’ given, yet it’s no longer returned, why do we torture ourselves and question who we are as a person because of someone that is irrational? I’ve never questioned who i am in my life, i’ve always thought of myself as a good and kind person, but my partner makes me question all that with his depressed mindset, yet all I’ve done is give and give to him, with nothing in return, yet I question my own self worth?
Anyone out there, is it worth staying with it? Especially when they go silent and you try a million ways to reach out with zero response? I feel like we all came from really strong amazing relationships and that’s what we are fighting for, but does it ever come back? Is that sweet caring person that used to adore us ever treat us the same?
Hey Katie
Hope your ok
This is exactly what happened to our relationship
4-5 years of my partner having depression
It’s so heart breaking
The once love & careing partner of 23 years had just turned into a completely different person
Drinking Alcohol to the excess & just withdrawn from mine & our 5 kids lives
& well our story didn’t end the way we had wanted
He up & left us in January for another woman
Completely being a heartless person that I no longer know or want to talk to anymore
As his words are just to hurtful
We only message if it involves the children
The affect that the last 4-5 years has had on me is beyond words..
The mental abuse was out of control
He became controlling & very jealous accused me of seeing someone else…
I’m still devastated that the person I fell in love with 23 years ago no longer exists
With your relationship…you are the only one that knows that answer
As hard as it is
I always thought that if I ended the relationship he would harm his self & that’s something I couldn’t live with
So maybe in our situation it was for the best that he had an affair (much to my heart break)
Please keep in touch
As always here to listen
Lisa x
So sorry for what you went through! How are you holding up? I’m wondering if there’s something in common about our relationships that makes us want to stay? I do because i felt like i literally found the one, the perfect person for me, and that there was no one built better to be my partner in my life, and my partner felt the exact same way about me.
Typical that they would accuse you of having an affair, yet your partner had one. I always felt a double standard in a way, like if he says something to me, i can take it for what it is, and move on in a positive direction, but if i said that to him, all hell would break lose, and I would probably get the silent treatment. Did you have this issue to?
Hang in there, stay in touch!
Katie, I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I know it is a personal hell and you are stuck in a place of pain and yearning. In my opinion 3 months of silence is too long – it is almost as if he had ghosted you. In your situation, you deserve better and don’t deserve to be in a bad situation, regardless of how happy the past was or previous promises of the future. Imagine if you were married and living together, and he withdraws this way again, leaving you in the dark for months. That would be even more painful. This is a cycle of depression that he is responsibility for recognizing and taking care of. The only way to overcome this battle is with treatment.
These men are grown adults who also have the responsibility to recognize their depression and take care of it. I have tried to adapt the concept of “lovingly detaching” from my boyfriend to give him space because any interaction on my end only irritates him. In the end I have also come to accept the fact that a break-up could be imminent. In the end we have to do what is best for ourselves.
Thanks for the reply Rebeccca! Why do we even think of staying with these men? For me its because before the depression he was the one, there’s no better match for me in this world, and he thought the same, we were the perfect couple everyone was jealous of. Is that why we hang on? I feel like it is, we both thought we were perfect for each other and wanted to grow old together, the relationship was so intense, deep, we both joked that if it didn’t last between us, we would no longer believe in love. So this is where I get stuck.
What about you? Did you find the “one” and that is why it’s so hard to let go? Also I’m trying to find out if there are reoccurrent themes that get men to this point. I believe my partner is from his work schedule, 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week, 3 days off in over 8 months. So stress.
Hi Katie, I definitely feel what you’re feeling. It must be hurt to have thought you met the one and for him to be a completely different person. Part of what has kept me going is holding on hope that he will come back to me and the great memories we have shared. But it is also very sad because we are at a standstill no longer cultivating our relationship. For me, my boyfriend and I discussed the future and being together as partners as we get old (though one major sticking point is that he does not want kids and I would prefer to). I’ve come to terms of living a life with him (sans kids) because I love him so much and could see him as the person I spend the rest of my life with – though I wouldn’t want to continue to have these cycles of depression/stonewalling/person hell. I’ve come to terms that this relationship will end and have helped to envision life beyond him (because that could be a reality soon). We are speaking this Sunday in person.
Did you ever experience an episode with him or is this the first time? Are you able to speak to him about how his dead silence is making you feel?
My boyfriend has been very depressed lately and I don’t know how to help. He is homeschooled so he doesn’t really talk to anyone. Once he left scool all of his friends quit talking to him. He lives about 2 minutes down the road and he can drive the only problem is his mom really doesn’t let us go anywhere. A few days ago we went on a date and he was acting like himself again he was happy and smiling, but then the next day he was back to being depressed. That was our first date because his mom doesn’t allow us to go anywhere. Anytime we do go anywhere he has to drive because I can’t. 4 months ago I was told that I have seizures, and anyone yhat has seizures can tell you that when you that every time you have a seizures you have to wait 6 months and I don’t even have my permit. I’ve never had to deal with depression so I don’t know what to say to him. Sometimes when we are talking about it he gets a little aggravated. I love him and would never leave him, he’s not abusive at all he has never hit me. He gets a little aggravated at times and I never know what to say to make him feel better. I feel like some of it is my fault because I don’t know what to say so he is basically dealing with it himself. He doesn’t need help from anyone else he doesn’t have this all the time it’s just every once in a while. I need help. If anyone has any advise for me or anything that they think might help I would greatly apprectiate it. I don’t think this is a very bad case but I want to help him get through it. He’s the sweetest guy ever and is so carrying. Please someone help me out, give me advise. I thank you in advance
Hi Lexi I also have a boyfriend who has really bad depression before he moved hear to be with me he was not on his meds and I did not know he had really bad depression so i really did not know what I was signing my self up for its been a difficult road that we had to work together to go down I helped him get on meds and talk to the doctors researched online difference coping skills to help him when he’s up set after everything we have come up with a good plan but everyday is a new day and a new struggles some days are better then other u have to remember some days he will be happy and some days he won’t and u have to be OK with that but I have learned that communication is a very strong key when we are in a relationship with some one who has depression and being patient talking to them reminding him that u love him and u are always there for him will help him feel better when he’s feeling down also letting him know u will never judge or get mad at what he tells u when he’s upset that he can tell u anything building trust in your relationship so he will open up and talk to you but u can help him by doing fun things together exercising together help encourage him to find a hobby or something he used to do that he doesn’t do any more that makes him happy like my boyfriend likes to write he like listening to music so we use those things as coping skills for him . For an example if I know he’s upset I will ask him if he needs to go take a break and maybe he should go write in his journaland listen to music I give him 30 minutes to be by his self and within that time I give him privacy then I go ask him if you would like to talk about it if he don’t I always remind him that it’s OK and when he’s ready I will be hear to listen and I do make sure to ask him if he feel better it seems to really help so finding thing s he can do when he feels sad will help him cope with his depression and writing down on a journal will help him see what made him upset in the first place just remember to tell him whatever he writes in his journal is his own personal feelings you will not invade his privacy by reading it but he’s more than welcome to share his feelings in his journal anytime he wants with you you would be surprised how simple words like I’m here for you or you can tell me anything or just telling them that everything will be okay and giving them a hug makes a huge difference sometimes it’s not always words that has to be said it’s the actions that you give start off a little goals and work your way towards big ones if he’s always saying oh I really wanting do this you can say oh babe you should do it or Mabby we can do it together it would be fun I believe u can do it if u put your mind to it but when he wants to give up or stop doing it you can tell him that you believe in him that he can complete his goal but you understand if you don’t want to do it anymore either way u will be OK with his decision and I’m behind you 100% remember to always remind him that no matter what you’re here for him and you guys will do it together because your always hear to help him achieve his goals these are the things I’ve done with my boyfriend and he’s come a really long way I’m not a doctor but these are the things I personally used that I think helps I hope that could help you if u ever want to talk u can email me at uippi801 [at] gmail [dot] com 🙂 Lindsay
I am so relieved I have found this website, I’m feeling desperate living with my depressed husband. I’ve been with him 32 years and he’s always suffered depression but the last six months have been pure hell. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital but hated it and demanded to come out to which his family agreed.
He seems to take everything out on me but suffocates me with love and affection at the same time to which I am struggling with. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions and him wanting my reassurance at all times. He constantly talks doom and gloom and wanting to die. He is slowly taking me down with him. Our family are deserting us slowly as they don’t understand or know what to do. I feel trapped and lonely looking after a baby. He wants everything done for him and spends most days in bed and not even eating.
Sometimes we actually hit one another with temper and frustration, he can be quite frightening at times and I feel guilty as I want to run away. I spend most days crying at home and putting on a front when working. It’s taking its toll on me especially with lack of sleep as he roams the house many nights crying and talking to which I want to curl up and die, being fed up of hearing the same subjects that are worrying him over and over again!!!!!!
I do feel sorry for him but even the support team who are looking after us are baffled and frustrated as he has no self help whatsoever in him. He’s so stubborn and won’t accept therapy etc.
I am managing to keep my head above water with the help of our three grown up children- who no longer live at home and have their own lives to live but without them I don’t know what I’d do. I also try to keep my life normal as possible even though some days are almost impossible.
I can relate to your story Tina. Ive been with my husband 22 years. Ive put up with hell with his depression but underneath is a beautiful soul. Ive just recently lost a parent and its all about him. Same as you put it, he takes everything out on me and also suffocates me with love and affection. I feel so lonely and am trying to deal with my loss and have him carrying on with over reactions on trivial things. I feel for your situation as i know what your going through, its just ashame that many of us feel so alone and suffer in silence.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reading through the comments and these stories are quite upsetting. I need all of you ladies to know that depression is not an excuse and sometimes the relationship just isn’t meant to last as it can take a massive toll on your own mental health! Support and be there for as much as you can for your partner but they should know your limits and respect them if they really do love you.
Ok so now to my dilemma, I’ve been with my partner for nearly a year now which doesn’t seem like a very long time compared to the stories below but I’ve previously have long term realationships of 4 years plus so when I meant my current partner Zach, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Everything has been perfect with him, no fight or any arguments everything is always talked about in a easy discussion. From the start he had let me know of his tough up bringing and that he had faced depression as a young boy. He told me that he used to be on medication before and that he got off it and made his was through life on his own without it. For the last month or so I haven’t felt very disconnected from him, he hasn’t been as affectionate as usual and itamacy has decreased. I thought it may have just been the honey moon finally finishing. I ignored it for a little while and then over the Christmas preast I voiced my opinion to him about it and he apologized and he agreed about his behavior and said he would make an effort to make more time for me.
A week has passed since that talk and today he came out and told me that he is suffering with depression again and he is questioning wether or not it would be better to kill himself then suffer with this pain. Initially I was in shock but also glad that I finally knew what was going on. My best friend suffered with manic depression her whole life so I knew what to expect and it honestly terrified me to know that the love of my life is going through this. I had to run off into the toilets at work and cry because the thought of not only losing him but him leaving me behind crushed me.
I just finished speaking to him about it and I’m feeling destroyed. For me growing up I always watched fairytales and strongly believed that love could fix anything. I just told him that’s how I felt and he said that sadly love does not fix everything. This broke my heart into a million pieces and I couldn’t stop crying for a good hour or so. I’ve never cried like that before in my life and I’ve been through a really badly abusive relationship previously. It made me feel like love isn’t real. It was like a small child finding out that Santa isn’t real, my hopes are crushed. I felt horrible for crying in front of him because I know it would of made him fee 100 times worse but I couldn’t control my tear and i also didn’t want to because I don’t ever want to hide the way I feel from him. I suggested he go back on his medication because I no longer want him to be a shell of a person like he’s been for the past month. It’s not only bad for him but it’s toxic to our relationship in the long run.
I feel as though I can’t leave him alone and that if I do I might come back to him being dead. I fear for my future and having children with him. What happens if he leaves us all behind.
I guess I’m just writing this because I need to express the way I feel and writing to me is the best form of release. I want things to go back to how they used to be when he was a bubbly young man. I’m scared about losing the love of my life.
My boyfriend and I have been long distance this past year since I moved but we had know each other for 12 yrs or so. He was supposed to move in with me but had a personal issue with his son so he postponed things and I understand. He has gotten very depressed since then though. When he had to postpone his move, he had to give up his job here and he’s devastated about it. He had already retired and sold his house back home so he’s living with his mother and is miserable. During this time though, we didn’t speak for a month because he was so withdrawn. I would text and leave simple messages to let him know I’m here for him and that I love him but I got nothing in return. Fast forward a few weeks and he seems to be himself again, not 100% but almost. Hea struggled thru the holidays since he’s not working but then he had a family member go into hospice and he’s been silent for a week now. I try to let him know I’m here for him and to call me whenever he can but I don’t want to push him. I feel like he’s already fragile because of the depression and now this. I’m so afraid hat when his family member passes, he’s going to go back into a dark depression but I am trying so hard to keep that from happening. The problem is, is that he won’t talk to me again. I’m heartbroken over this. In all these years, I’ve never seen him like this. He should be moving in a couple weeks but I don’t know what to do.
Do you have an update?
Long distance is so tough, because you can’t be there physically with them and you cannot see how they are feeling/acting. Is he willing to seek treatment? Are you taking care of yourself?
This is so fresh, it’s very difficult to even put down in words, but here goes….
After a year of pain from a very extensive spinal reconstruction surgery, my significant other, whom I consider my soul mate, of nearly a decade, became more and more depressed….sleeping for days, becoming “paralyzed” over time, unable to act on anything…including expressing affection, taking care of responsibilities, though he had his own retail shop, adjoining my shop, and, the most problematic non-action of refusing to drive, which was a huge problem as we lived thirty minutes away from our work and the closest town. All responsibility began to fall on to me. He would acknowledge the situation and say he knew he was letting me down but he didn’t know why.
A few days before my birthday this year, he asked me to choose an engagement ring so that we could be married soon. My birthday is on the twelfth of September. On September seventh, a remarkable and life changing situation occurred.
We got into a quarrel, and I sharply stated that if he was going to refuse to help with anything, maybe he should go home (UK). We were living together in the US at the time, where I remain. Of course I didn’t mean it and have regretted the words since they escaped my lips. I laid down, in a state of ultimate frustration. I saw him walk down the driveway, with only forty dollars in his pocket. I thought he was just cooling down. I have never seen him again.
After two horrific weeks of searching frantically, I discovered that he had wangled an airline ticket to England from an acquaintance, by regaling a wild tale of abuse. I was astonished that he would level such accusations at me. I had been a caretaker for him nad really given my all to our relationship.
Since then, I have done all I can to find him. I travelled to England, spoke to all of our friends, who haven’t seen him and had no idea he had returned to the country. After diligently seeking answers, I found that he had arrived in the airport and slept there until the authorities moved him to a homeless hostel. I phone the hostel to discover that he had been “moved on” the day before.
I feel both of our lives are shattered, and have no way to communicate with him. He has made no attempt to communicate with me whatsoever. To say I am confounded, confused, dismayed and basically gutted, is an understatement. Every day I make efforts to find his whereabouts but so far have had no success.
I so wish I had seen an experienced psychologist or discovered this site some time ago so that I would have had a clue what I was dealing with.
The pain I’m experiencing feel infinite and I am worried beyond measure about his well being. I fear that we will never see one another again.
I will add to this commentary as I can, but for now, this is where I am. Alone, except for my trusty, confused pup, who we considered our “child”, confused and heartbroken.
Any advice is welcome! Nasty commentary is not.
I’m supposed to be walking down the Isle in 18 days to my partner. He has been battling cycles of depression for the last 2 – 3 years and in the last year it’s only gotten worse. It’s taken such a huge toll on me to the point where I don’t know if I’m making the right choice or not. It’s something I’m constantly wrestling with. There isnt an hour that goes by without me praying to God to give me some kind of an answer. Lately he’s been taking off in the late evening to go drinking, returning around the time I go to work in the morning. I can’t sleep without him there and he knows that. I’ll try and contact him but most of the time he doesn’t reply to my texts or answer my calls. If he does, it’s usually at 2 in the morning and he’s Usually letting me know that he’s going to get help and that I don’t understand anything. But in the morning, it’s like he just sweeps everything under the rug as if nothing happened, and if I try and bring anything up he rules it as me trying to start a fight. He’s worked maybe 6 or 7 days in the past 3 or 4 months. He always tells me that he’s going to work in the morning, but the second the alarm goes off he just turns it off and goes back to sleep. I’ve been dealing with all the finances and I really cannot afford to do so. I’ve had to take out small loans quite a few times the last 2 years and I’m fed up with it. All I want is for him to get better and I really don’t know what the next step is. I feel lost. This isn’t the person who proposed to me. I just want my fiance back.
Hi Jolene – so sorry you’re going through that. You don’t deserve it!! Have you threatened to leave him to see if he’ll try harder?
Wow….not sure how I stumbled on this page also
But just reading other woman’s stories are in a way amazing
I’m so sorry your going through this Jolene
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy xxx
My partner & I have been together for 23 years engaged & have 5 beautiful kids
My partners depression started about 4 years ago..
We moved nearly 7 years ago due to him cheating & having a fresh start
Everything was amazing I thought I had forgiven him for what he had done..
But then I keep having flash backs of how I felt when I read all the emails between my partner & the other lady..
I just keep thinking if he really loved me & the kids he wouldn’t have even wanted to start an affair or look side ways to anyone else…
He was the kind of person that use to talk about other men cheating & disapproved of it big time
Everything was great up until I decided to start back at work after having 17 years as a full time mum
I opened a handmade shop with a lady I just met
I had to travel 35 mins…put my daughter aged 3 into child care
It was a big step for me…but I felt free for the first time in years & was loving it
I was getting my independents back
I was at work one day & out of the blue my partner arrive without notice…came in crying saying he needed help..
That was the start of his depression
It hit us both hard
I didn’t understand it…I hated that this had happened to our family
He got help..
Was fine for a few years ..
But still drinking alcohol about 4 a night…every night more on the weekends
It’s always been a part of his life
He grew up with a dad that drank every day…
I hated it…it was taking my partner away from us
He wouldn’t take is medication on time
Keep skipping tablets thinking he was fine
But then he turned very nasty
Over protective…
Accusing me of having an affair
Mental abuse
He said one day eat another block of chocolate…
You are just turning into a cunt like your sister…
My sister is a lovely person & my best friend
He sometimes even seems jelouse of me spending time with our own kids…
I would ask if I could go out for a few hours & he would reply with ….TO WHO
We live together but not together
We don’t talk & things are just getting worst
He drinks even more & im sometimes scared of what he may do
Sorry for the long post
Xx ????
Did you get married?
Hi Jolene,
I just read your post. I am so sorry for what you are enduring.
Wondering if you got married.
I will share with you my story.
I have been married for 35 and 1/2 years.
Had an argument with my husband just an hour ago.
I googled “My husband is depressed and I can’t take it anymore” and came across this site.
Some history of our marriage:
-my husband was fired from his job 8 years ago.
-he has been fired from every job he has had since then
-length of jobs has been 2 weeks to longest being 14 months
-he has been without work more than he has worked over the last 8 years
-he angers quickly
-he has spent hours, days, sometimes weeks at a time sleeping, drinking, or playing games on his phone
-has been verbally abusive
-ignores me when I talk, does not look at me when I talk
-has been to 2 therapists; hard struggle getting him into therapy. He states he thinks he does not need help
-His therapist recently requested me to speak with her. She told me me needs help. If not from her, with someone. He has had thoughts of harming himself.
-he canceles appointments for his therapy
-I could go on & on. I think you know what I am saying without listing anymore by what you have written.
I can want a marriage all I want. He says he does, then there is no effort.
I have planned every vacation we have been on, I manage the majority of responsibilities of running a household, I managed the majority or the responsibilities of raising our 2 children, I work 10 hours a day. I am tired.
I come home to a husband in a recliner playing games on his phone who does hardly anything all day.
It has been 8 long years.
I have tried very hard.
Depression is awful.
Being married to someone with depression is hard.
I hope you have made the best choice for you.
How long do you go on? How long do you hold yourself together with thin, almost breaking threads? How do you keep up the energy and not have a break down every single day? I am in the exact situation, and all I wan to do is run away. Hide, far away from him. I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore, and my spirit, my soul is darkening. I want happy. I want laughter. I don’t want to hold someone’s hand every single day of my life and do work for two people just because they can’t get their ass off the couch. How long do you hold on!?
This is where I am, Tamara. I could have voiced the same words. I know it’s an illness, but how much can anyone take? I honestly don’t know, nor do I think there is a right or wrong, or that anyone but we can answer that question for ourselves. Good luck xx
I have been with my husband for 12 years we have 2 beautiful children. He is from a different country and constantly says negative things about Ireland. He has a wicked temper and for the last couple of months I am scared.this sounds ridiculous but I would leave him only I’m afraid of what he will do. He calls me disgusting names when we argue.he tells me I should know by now to stay away from him when he gets like that and that he only gets violent because I provoke him. I’m currently going back to work after 6 years home with the children. I hope that I will be able for the job because it would be much better if I could financially support myself and my children
I feel so alone because nobody knows what I’m going through I’m too embarrassed and I am the youngest of 6 children. My parents are already dealing with my sisters marriage break up. She has a baby and needs lots of support. Thanks for listening.
I’m really glad that I stumbled upon this site. I’m not even sure how I ended up here on this page.. but I’ve seen some stories on here, so I hope it’s okay that I share mine…
I have been with my partner for 4 1/2 years. Shortly after we began dating I found out about his depression. He has had counseling in the past and growing up, his family had many problems. I know for certain that his mother was verbally abusive and I believe now, from certain stories that he’s told me that he was also physically/sexually abused by his mother at a young age, and it probably continued/got worse as a teenager. His father was a drug-addict & abusive, went to jail, and now does not speak to him.
Over the last few years, he has taken care of himself pretty well. He’s had bad weeks, but he’s always been able to pull himself out of it and be himself again, and he has been able to advance in his career, and personal life so much in the time that I’ve been with him. He proposed to me last December 2015, and it was wonderful. We had a happy, but short engagement because a few months ago we got married. When we got married, it was done quickly, very quickly. He told me he wanted me to get on his insurance since I was unable to be on my mom’s anymore, and that we were going to be married anyway eventually, so he really encouraged me and made me feel like it was the right thing to do.
A month after we got married, it’s like a flip switched. He suddenly has spiraled into the absolute worst depression. He works 24/7 and I know he is stressed at his job. He tells me he feels like he will never be great at his profession (although I know that is impossible) He is very hard on himself. He repeatedly has talked to me about thoughts of suicide, ways in which he would do it, the fact that no one needs him, and that he believes life is meaningless. He told me it was a mistake to get married and that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. He told me of things he had expected out of marriage that he had never talked to me about before, and told me it was too late to fix it. He acted like he wanted a divorce, but then changed his mind.
It’s hard not to get angry and offended when I talk to him about everything. I have been as supportive as I can be, day in and day out I try to make sure I do things that will help him feel less stressed, and relaxed when he comes home. I give him space when he needs it, and I’m always there when he’s ready to talk/needs to be held and comforted (which is a lot more recently). I have made mention of therapy and suggest meeting his Dr. to discuss options but he pretends like he’ll talk to someone and then never follows through. He also never even put me onto his insurance plan. He took our marriage certificate to work and claims that he has talked to HR about it, but I feel like he’s just lying.
The fact is, I feel helpless and broken. I cry constantly and know that things may never go back to the way they were. He assures me that he loves me and tells me that he feels like he “doesn’t deserve me”. I begged him to tell me if he just didn’t want to be with me, to tell me, and I would leave. He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to be alone, but he refuses to get help.
I have reached out to pro bono counseling services in my area, and hopefully I’m able to receive counseling for myself. This page has helped so much. Thank you.
Hi Nicole,
Your story is nearly identical to mine. I’ve been with my husband for a little over 5 years now. We got engaged in June 2016 & married in November 2016. Shortly after we started dating, I found he had struggled with depression, but nothing he couldnt handle. He had a great career and social life. Two weeks after we got married, his switch flipped. He became very angry, had crying spells, threatened suicide, feels like he’s lost everything in his life (he hasnt actually lost anything). It’s been a nightmare. He’s threatened divorce more times than I can count. We havent even been married a full two months. I’ve reached out to our family pastor at church and a counseling center for him and I both. We’ve been going twice a week. They prescribed anti depressants over a month ago, but he just started taking them 4 days ago. He’s had a full medical work up and full diagnostic psychological testing. He still argues the results. Still thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Constantly tells me I am unhappy and deserve better – yet i do nothing but reassure him that this is nothing but a bump in the road and we get get through this with counseling and medication. I am physically and mentally drained. I dont know what to do anymore. I’ve only been dealing with this a few weeks and I’m worn out. His mood swings are so drastic that they change hour to hour. How have you been coping? Have things gotten any better?
Hello,
I am in a similar situation. I’ve been with my husband for about 5 years, and we married beginning of this year. Immediately after we married, he started intensely studying for an exam and has been working ALOT. We were to move in after he took his test, but he asked me not to anymore. He is convinced that he failed the exam. He also told me it was a mistake to get married and that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. He told me all these issues about me that I think are fixable, and told me that the problems are innate in me. He acted like he wanted a divorce, but says he never imagined a day without me. I asked him if he was depressed (probably not the best way to approach that), and he said no because he still enjoys his job.
I am trying to be supportive — giving him space, not pushing him for too many answers, expressing words of love here and there, essentially putting my life on pause while he goes through this. I’m having a really hard time myself — good-ish days and bad days. Unfortunately, a lot of my good days are contingent upon whether he has been responsive for the day or not. He seems when I stop contacting him for a couple days, he will reach out on his own (otherwise it is all on my own accord). I just pray things will get better and my old husband will be back, but after reading here and Depression Fallout, I’m afraid that it will only get worse…
It’s really hard to deal with someone who is depressed but refuses to help themselves. I’ve been with my bf for nearly 4 years now. I was diagnosed with depression 16 years ago and did everything in my power to heal myself as best I could. I also do everything I can DAILY to manage it. My bf didn’t tell me about his depression until I was committed to him with love. Then his true colours came out. I KNOW all about depression. He has become emotionally and verbally abusive to me and I stand by him like an abused wife, it’s shameful. He REFUSES to see a doctor, to read a book about depression, to CONSIDER medication or to even talk to a friend or me about it. He will spend days in bed while I support him financially.
But me having gone through it, the GUILT is keeping me in the relationship 50% of the time. I’ve told him that if he won’t make any effort to help himself, that I will leave and not renew the lease with him. He says “fine, go ahead”. But I KNOW he wants to stay together, his pride mixed with his depression will likely end our relationship.
Living with someone who has depression can work if the depressed individual is open to helping himself. Living with a depressed person who abuses you is monstrous and nobody should have to go through that.
Right now I’m dealing with it as best I can. I detach from him, I’ve become more independent, I take good care of myself and I spend time with our pets and doing my own hobbies. He spends most of the days in bed or on his computer. I’m still loving and caring with him, but he is the one to initiate most things now because if I do, it’s like walking on eggshells. I never know if the response will be an immature “meh”, a hateful glare or just him ignoring me. So the heck with me. I often feel like the maid or his mother.
Things got so bad that I started to self-harm to ease my own anxiety over the way he is treating me. That’s when I realized this is ridiculous. I was there and came back ALIVE, why am I wasting my time with someone who won’t do a thing for himself? Yes, I do love him, but even the boundaries I’ve set are constantly being broken. He tests me all the time, and my guilt has allowed him to get away with it. I feel like he’s my child and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that anymore. I don’t owe anyone anything.
I’ve done everything I can but I refuse to ruin my own life and fall back into depression because of someone who refuses to help themselves. I know I sound harsh, but I am resentful towards him because it’s HE who is going to break us apart. I KNOW it’s difficult, but at one point you have to make a choice. If you can’t do it yourself, get help. But if you refuse help, don’t expect people to stand by you when you are abusive or apathetic towards them.
It’s almost therapeutic to write on this board, so I just want to address some of the hopeless feelings some of you are writing about. (BTW as I write this, my boyfriend is in the other room, not speaking to me. We got in a dumb argument yesterday and now I’m giving him space. Ugh, so annoying.)
I’ve been with my guy for a long time, with small break-ups between (largely due to the turmoil caused by his depression and moodiness). At times he seems very genuinely unhappy (with his place in life, with himself, with the world around him)….and at times he is a fun loving goof. In general, we are very very happy together.
I really encourage all of you to google the term “HSP” or “highly sensitive person.” You’ll learn how some of us are born more sensitive – more sensitive to light, sound, smell, emotions, criticism… just more sensitive to life in general. Things affect them more than others, and as a result, life can be truly exhausting for them. They are really special people; many of them are very intelligent, sometimes great artists or musicians. They are prone to depression and anxiety.
Learning about HSP’s, I started getting light bulb moments. First light bulb: my boyfriend is aaaabsolutely one of these highly sensitive people. No question.
Consider travel: My guy always ruined every trip we went on. We could be in the coolest city or on an amazing road trip, and all he would want to do is stay in the lay in the hotel room and watch TV. And he would be on edge the ENTIRE time. I realized something — when he is away from home, he is away from his comfort zone…he can’t help it: traveling just stresses him the f out.
I also realized that he never really wants to DO anything. Like concerts, ball games, festivals… he always seems miserable. For years it was the same: he would come with me to these things, and he never seemed to have fun. I always thought he was just an a-hole, I thought he was essentially pouting because I was “dragging him along” to these things. But just this year (after 9 YEARS), we finally had a serious talk and it became clear to me: crowds are a major source of anxiety for him. I finally *got* it.
It can be tough for guys (and some girls) to recognize and vocalize to us WHY they act the way they do. Anxiety can be a major culprit. He always felt like he was disappointing me, but now I can be a source of strength for him in his anxious times.
If you love someone, you have to treat them gently. They will never be perfect. Help them along, be there to help them work through it. If they are working through their issues, then stand by them. They aren’t as strong as we are in some situations, but it’s our job to help them become strong.
I do have to say though…if they are not working at it, consistently, then you have to save yourself. If they aren’t putting in the work, then please recognize it. Granted, everyone has a bad day (or week), but if they are consistently dragging you down, you have to seriously consider getting out of it.
Hey Katie,
you sound like a strong woman. How do you guys continue to travel and do things that you like to do that involve crowds? Have you put these hobbies aside, do them alone, or what? i’m only in year 2 with my partner and am trying to decide if our differences are significant enough to end our relationship or if they can be worked on…My partner couldn’t keep up on vacation and i felt as if I was missing out on things I wanted to do because she didn’t have the energy or a strong enough desire to do all of the things I did. I’m also noticing that her anxiety and depression “flare up” when there is an event approaching, such as a music festival or if I’m out of town on business or visiting family, when her family calls or visits, and when we have company coming over, whether for the night or for a long weekend… I grew up in a home where my parents entertained alot and I love that way of life – I like to have a couple friends over for supper or to watch a ball game, or to use our spare bedroom if they live out of town. the repercussions of doing these things are almost not worth the good time because of the anxiety and panic it brings my partner…and thus the guilt and fight about me “caring about my friends more than I care about her”. what do i do, stop having friends over to our house?! we live in a great location and have plenty of space.. this is something I don’t ever want to stop doing. I feel so lonely and bored when I don’t get to socialize with people other than my partner and my coworkers. I’m starting to feel like my partner is deadweight hanging onto my back. I don’t want to feel like that, but she’s been saying she wants to/needs to get help for over a year and it still hasn’t happen. she is a chronic procrastinator and has looked for a doctor, but the ones she decided she’d like to speak to don’t take her insurance or won’t accept a new patient at this time. I’m seriously debating if i should continue this or not, but we live together, so it’s really hard to separate. I’ve tried breaking it off before and it doesn’t work. she goes nuts and I have to talk her down and then we cry and hug and makeup… This cycle is not good for my mental health. So many fights have been about her not speaking to a doctor. You can lead a horse to water….. PLEASE tell me what advice you have based on your experiences. Thanks!!
Thank you for writing this. I have known my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, but it feels like a lifetime. Our relationship is long distance and he told me about his depression from the start. His depression has caused him to cut me out of his life twice before. Where he would break up with me and tell me we would never talk to each other again because it’s “better for me that way”. I, in no way indicated that his issues were too much for me, if anything I gave him all of the love and support I could. Anyway, fast forward to the last few months… He never kept those promises and ended up talking to me again after a few weeks (the second time 3 months) and he told me that this time he was serious, that he wouldn’t assume the baggage I could or couldn’t handle and that he wanted something long term because he wanted a future with us together. I ended up staying with him for a week this past August and it was wonderful and I never imagined the relationship would work, frankly bc I’m a pessimist when it comes to my self-worth and I don’t really believe I’m good enough in any way for him. Lately though his depression has been very bad, he is often suicidal, and I’m not sure how to go about telling him to get help. All I do is tell him that I really think he should but I don’t know how to show him how his depression is hurting me without making it seem like I’m blaming him for something. And I’m afraid if I do tell him how it’s hurting me he’ll do what he did before and instead of getting help, completely cut me out of his life again.
I’m just trying to take it day by day. Since our relationship is long distance, I have even less of an ability to do anything for him. We’ve barely talked in 2 weeks. I feel like he is slipping away from me and I’m afraid he’ll forget about me altogether. Anyone I talk to about it tells me the same thing, that he shouldn’t treat me badly even if he is depressed and that I should just leave. But it’s NOT that simple. I also find that the people in my life I talk to about it have hardly any knowledge/experience of mental illness. The only person that understood what I was going through was a friend of mine who has depression and suicidal thoughts and she got where I was coming from. It makes me feel wrong when everyone is telling me one thing but my heart is telling me another.
I have no outlook for the future. I can’t see myself a month from now, never kinda year, or 2, or 10. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with him because he is the love of my life. But his mental illness makes me more pessimistic and sad. I want him to get help. I need him to get help or one day I’ll fall apart while I watch him fall apart.
Hi Steph – how are things now? I’m going through such a hard time with my “boyfriend” now. If you would like to talk was can. I’m trying to take it day by day and it’s so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and it’s only week 3. I constant feel sick. Please reach out if you can.
hi im just after some advice as i am a loss of what i can do. i have been with my fiance nearly 3 years but we have been good friend for around 5 years, i love him so much and cannot imagine my life without him but i am struggling t cope with his depression. when we first got together we were great and we still have some brilliant days and great fun times 3 months ago he got a new job after being made redundant from his job 4 months after we got together and since then his depression has been improving even though he says otherwise i can see him improving, however he lost his job last week and i am terrified he is going to go back to being much worse which i currently and dont think i will be able to handle again, i currently have a broken arm and i am a type one diabetic and i really need caring for and support myself right now and with his depression i am not getting any help myself and i cannot help him in the state i am in.
i am frustrated that i cant work until my arm is healed and that i cant drive or go out yet he can he has all the ability to go to work or go out in the sunshine or for a drive and talk t people and it makes me incredibly angry with his depression that he wont i physically cant and he wont and we are finding ourselves arguing more because we are both in need of support and niether is giving it. i am tryng but i cant emotionally take on anymore right now. i am aware i have attatchment issues as in every previous relationship i have been cheated on and have large problems with trust so i am very open about what im doing wherei am and who im with, but he is the opposite he ikes his own section of privacy and it makes me incredibly nervous and insecure. i being aware of my issues i do try to give him space and privacy but right now i need him to be there for me like i have been thee for him through his depression the last 2 years but he isnt and i really dont know what i can do from here. it seems like all my dream of a home and family are getting lost and pushed away because of the depression and i dont want to ls them but i dont know how to help him or myself. im just so lost.
Hi eve. How are things now? I’m not in your exact situation – mine moved out. But talks to me daily. But, I can’t trust him either when he was the most trustworthy guy beforehand. I’m at a loss as well. I don’t even know if we’re still together or just tog but living apart. Confused.
Hi Kristin,
What you wrote there is EXACTLY my situation.. would you be interested in communicating with me about strategies, or just having a vent in general?
Hi Peta – sure! Should I email you?
Absolutely! I think it may be helpful to me to speak to someone in what seems to be a similar situation. I’m just finding it so hard to figure out what to do right now ????
petahayes1978 [at] gmail [dot] com
Thank you for posting this. I feel like my girlfriend’s depression has been killing a lot of our emotional intimacy and making me feel really neglected. Most of the time she’s fine but recently she’s been getting into it really badly – to the point where just remembering her childhood and how she can’t re-live those days has her (for lack of a better word) moping for 4-5 hours. She has little motivation to do anything and will make plans with me when she’s in a better mood then drag through it barely talking when it’s time to do it. She also doesn’t want/doesn’t give affection that much – very very little. She’s also taken to making cruel jokes at my expense like telling me she doesn’t consider me a real man (said while I was crying about something) and how I’d be a bad father because I was startled by a noise – both she only told me were ‘jokes’ days after, but I feel she was just backpeddling and she really just said them to take out her frustrations on me.
I read the article but I still don’t know what to do. I can try to help myself and her but it’s hard when she seems unwilling to even try to not take it out on me.
I have been living with a depressed partner for last 23 years. I have no one in my family or in his family to share what I am going through. This has not only affected me, but my son as well. I feel I could not do for my son, what I should have done. More than me, I suffered when I saw my son suffering. I have kept patience. But over time, I feel I am getting affected–I feel depressed and overwhelmed–unloved and uncared for. I have felt humiliated and have lost my self-esteem. I feel scared to come home everyday from office, or to face him. Now I decided to ask for a transfer to a different duty station–so that I can recover from the stress of all these 23 years and hopefully start thinking straight again. But I suffer from guilt feeling as well–for being living him alone. I am not filing for divorce or anything, but I think I am no more able to take that in. However, I am not ready to accept that fact either. I just need some help on how to deal with this.
Help who do I ask this from I can’t turn to his family he doesn’t have close friends we have been together 14 years and now scared everyday what I’m going to face when I get home from work of the weekends oh god I just want to hide
We had bad neighbours few years back then last year a new set arrived that were ten times worse we have gone through stress together I think i would say I got to breaking point I got help he refused to now I’m trying every day to keep calm and ignore the noise from neighbours and not worry about everything just want to be happy but it’s not possible because my partner now drinks every day doesn’t go out spends more tine off work than at it shouts back and bangs walls and doors when neighbours are bad they don’t care I can’t get him to calm down I spend most evenings hiding in bedroom trying to deal with any fall out
I’ve taken him to docs and been given number to call he hasn’t done that I’ll try do it for him Monday he won’t take pills says why does he have to I’m not allowed to take over I’ve been given either as he says we are not been driven to that way of life
My work have madd comments they hear me arguing or trying to calm him down on the phone as he calls all the time with slightest issue screaming down phone stressed
I want to help him he doesn’t really have anyone else to turn too and I do still care for him but I also want to stop crying all the time and pushing my friends away as j can’t leave him on is own not trusting what he will do and nights
He sounds bad but he never used to he I don’t know how to help him or what to do the alcohol doesn’t help but he won’t stop
Huge part of me wants to pack and leave my I’m so scared of what he will do prob end up being arrested or hurting himself or me I don’t know where to turn there really isn’t anything out there where like a walk in clinic just to help yet this seems common enough
So hello to whoever reads this. I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. We are both 22 and in college. When we first met he was the man of my dreams. All I could think about was him and our future. He used to be affectionate and hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me he loved me. We would spend all of our free time together. The list of his great qualities could go on forever, but that was old him. About a year and a half ago he started to change. He didn’t do the things he loved, didn’t want to go out and do things, stopped showing any kind of emotion towards me. Now on year 3 I feel that I have completely lost myself. He constantly yells at me and picks fights over everything. He makes me feel like I am the one with the problem. Today is his birthday and he won’t even open the gift I got him or get out of bed. Not only is his school work suffering from it but so is mine. I have to do everything around the house or nothing would get done. Between mothering him and trying to keep everything else from falling apart I have stopped caring. My sadness is now turning into anger and resentment. I love him more than anything and I wish there was something I could do but I have tried everything. I have even started to find myself crushing on a coworker and flirting a little bit. I feel like such a horrible person because I love my boyfriend but I need love, I need attention, I would love to go a whole day and not feel sad or guilty or like I have lost myself. I am constantly worrying, crying, and a million different things I am to my breaking point. I miss the old him and I know I will never have him back. I don’t know if I should leave him or what. The fact that we live together makes things difficult, but he (hopefully) graduates in like 2 weeks. Reading these posts and knowing I am no lone is a little comforting but I feel like nothing will make me the care free fun loving person I used to be.
Hi there! Sorry you have to go through this too, I’ve learned the hard way. Don’t wait for him to push yiu definitively away, there is one thing to do to protect yourself and that is taking a step back, let him work on his own because mothering them might be good in the immediate for them but not for the long run. They need to face the consequences of their actions and they need to decide to get better. If that means leaving them alone and let them fall further, that might be the only way. Or letting him know you won’t stay if he doesn’t step up his game and see a psychiatrist. I should have done it months ago, when I saw my ex dealing with anxiety with alcohol over and over again but she has fallen deeper now and totally cut me off, after 3 years of a very loving and intimate relationship. I know it’s hard but doing nothing will only delaYing things. Good luck
And like today when he asks why I act a little irritated it’s just like really? I can’t be just a little off one day? Then he pulls the you aren’t going through anything you aren’t the one affected. It’s like explaining to him that I have to put up with a lot on my side too, especially from him, is pointless and a battle I won’t ever win.
Sweet girl,
What I am going to say to you now- might sound hard. I don’t mean it to be insensitive. I speak from knowledge and experience. I am married to a man who hid his depression from me until after the birth of our children. I am ten years in now. If I could go back in time- I’m not sure I would marry him. I go back and forth on it- because without him- I would not have my children. But our life is a daily roller coaster and I’m in constant debate over whether or not it’s less damaging for them if I divorce him or to stay in a home where he treats me with constant belligerence and verbal abuse. I’m picked apart and told I’m not good enough. I’m in a constant state of hurt and panic. I know you love him now- but I’m going to say to you what I wish someone had said to me. If you don’t have children with him- get out of there. It’s not worth it. It is so much harder once you get married. Especially when you have little children. There is no pain like watching your spouse snap at your sweet little daughter because the noise she’s making is agitating him during a depressive episode. The damage keeps piling on. One day- you will have kids and I hope and pray you love them enough to build a strong foundation for them- to show them what love really is. Or they will marry someone just like him. Prayers for you and for your discernment. I don’t mean to be the one who says, “abandon him in his time of need.” But- my word- if only someone had told me this. My life would be so different.
Reading your comment made me think of my situation.I have been with my bf for over 8 years and had to deal with the same stuff as you have.The constant roller coaster can be damaging to a person..I wish I never met him at times. Like your husband my bf has snapped at his son as well as my brothers and sister.I am very uneasy with taking him out to places because he makes a scene. I wish I had someone say to leave him soooner.I have missed so much.
TJ – please leave this man. Neither you, nor your children need to be subjected to such torture. I can tell you from my own experience (with an abusive husband, who I believe was mentally ill…I just didn’t know it at the time), that it is WAY better for you to leave than to stay and keep being abused. Yes, it hurts you and the kids to leave. But it also shows them your strength and courage. It shows them that it’s more important for you to protect, love and care for THEM than it is for you to stay with him. And what example do you want your children to learn from? Because what they SEE is what they learn. Not what you try to teach them or talk to them about. They become what they see. They might not wind up being a depressed, abusive person like their Dad. But they may become an enabler who is in a miserable relationship, being taken advantage of and abused. They won’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Then they grow up & have to traverse the rough waters of life and relationships and learn the hard way on their own. My kids are adults now & ive seen them suffer and suffer some more because of the example that was set for them. Kids mirror our behaviors in adolescence and adulthood. Please get your kids away from this toxic situation. Protect and shield them. Sooner rather than later.
I am 15 years in, 2 kids. My husband is a provider and does not say cruel things…. he just does not talk. There is constant silence expect to answer and ask direct questions. On good days he is active, on bad days he walks around like someone just shot his dog but always words are few. It has not always been this bad but since I demanded he start talk therapy in addition to his meds it has actually gotten worse. The kids know he is different but love him for him. I protect them from it as much as I can. He is a better dad than husband although when he snaps it is scary luckily that is not often. Leaving seems to be the only option yet I have not been able to do so. There is a co dependency that we have developed and I love him just hate the disease. It is isolating and lonely.
I really do feel for you, so sorry. My husband had suffered from undiagnosed depression for over 10 years and just 2 years ago sought help although he now refuses to take any medication or go to counselling. It is an emotional rollercoaster and when he is in a bad place, life for me is very difficult. He ignores me, won’t engage in conversation, becomes extremely irritated with me and generally life is difficult on a day to days basis. You need to protect yourself from the way that he treats you and also bear in mind that you are very young so life is full of oppurtunity for you. Once you go down the road of having children it makes it very difficult to leave and start again and that is exactly where I am now. Please take care of yourself as you are not responsible for the way he feels.
I can’t thank you all enough for sharing your stories – it makes me feel like I am not alone in this battle. My boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and ADD, and he also moves in cycles. Every 6 months, he breaks up with me, and then he’s back. Thankfully, he finally heeded my advice and started seeing a counselor in October after our last “break up”. Initially, he improved remarkably. He was chipper, had high spirits, and was hopeful for the future. In the past 1-2 months, he has steadily declined and verbally expressed that he feels like a hamster in a wheel and is making no progress in his sessions. He reduced his visits from every week to every other week. Despite this, I am always trying to be his cheerleader and advocate. I go out of my way to attempt to make things better and show him how much I care for him.
Well it’s 6 months since October, and the darkness has returned. He is beginning to speak about his lack of hope for our relationship, that he has no life goals, and he thinks we are wasting our time. He has started removing himself from me, and I’m sure it’s only a matter of days before he ends things again. I, too, have begun to feel hopeless and am exhausted by this process. I find it hard to emotionally invest in him when I feel very little security in our relationship. So the question remains: Do you stay and fight for someone you love with no guarantee or return or do you let them succumb to their own demons alone? He has no one else but me to talk to as he does not have real relationships with others. Without me, he will be utterly alone, and it is my greatest fear that in that solitude he will do something damaging to himself – whether physical or mental.
I understand what you are saying, I feel the same, like each time she had anxiety, our relationship was in danger, i felt like I had to be the cheerleader but didn’t have anyone to cheer me up when I got tired of all. Now she is in a darker place, like you she doesn’t have anyone else to trully speak but maybe that’s what she wants, she broke up, turned on me in a week, from very in love to not liking me. At the end, i do know she has been worse and that leaving me is a way of not needin to deal with a relationship, and to deal with the illness. I’m afraid you have to let him fall on his own if you don’t want to fall yourself, take care of you and he has to take care of him for once, that’s the only way you both grow and find each other I a better place and better state.
How is everything working out for you and your relationship?
Sadly I gave her space, silent treatment she didn’t come back to me using the excuse she was moving and wanted an address where she could send stuff. I answered I was going there next month and if she felt like it we could grab coffee since anything is a good excuse to get my fix of Frappuccino; ) as an answer she said she would give the stuff to my brother (her boss) the next day and said it wouldn’t be appropriate to meet as she was seeing someone. Why in hell did she bother me instead of giving the stuff to my bro directly like she did 3 months ago when she freaked out on me. It’s sad she feels like she has to hide from me, because I know this is what it is about, facing the reality. It’s sad to treat a person who has been the best to you for 3 years, who has been your confident and the o l’y person in your life you have been so close to, it’s sad not to even be able to keep that bond. I’m being treated like a poison and it kills me knowing that we won’t get a chance anything soon to meet since I live an ocean away now and that I will be there, in the same city for a month but she rather hides in a hole. What can I do? !
Hi,
I’ve been dating someone who’s been dealing with depression for most of his life, silently. He has gone to see psychologists but has never told them he has a problem. We’ve been dating for two years now and he just admitted to me that he has already tried to kill himself, and that if he hadn’t met me would have done so again. Our relationship has been a battle since the beginning. We’ve begun to resent each other, I have been feeling used and neglected for a long time. He has been feeling like I don’t care about his feelings, I feel the same. I honestly really care abiut him but I’ve been so out of sorts in this relationship that breaking up with him has been on my mind for it seems like almost our whole relationship. I don’t know what to do anymore, it doesn’t feel like I’m able to move past this. He wants to but I feel like we can’t ever be truly happy together anymore. I feel so helpless and useless. I don’t even feel comfortable having sex with him anymore. I just feel terrible I want to help him but this part that wants to leave is overwhelming. I feel like a terrible person. I don’t know how to face him anymore…
My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression and has already been diagnosed with ocd.the ocd we have learned to live with over the years however the depression is quite recent although I feel it’s been on going for a.little.longer.they aren’t good at opening up about things d inform wAnt her to feel like I’m pushing her to talk either she will.sometimes then others keeps it in thenexplodes.all I can do is be there when she needs.it’s.difficult to as the ocd has an impact on me as I.offer to do things around the house but am.told no because I’m.hopeless this isn’tmeant as.nasty it’s because of the ocd it has to be done her way.any advice on the best way forward would be appreciated she has recently started medication and awaiting psychology
Wow, its horrible that depressed people are being labeled here as attackers. Theres some good advice there, just please remove all that attacking nonsense. Thats another issue.
To be honest. Both should feel attacked and victimized. Depression littering is a contagious potion. It distorts the mind and body. It takes control of situations, and thinking. .. of course when you look at it in the scoop of both sides. Both will feel hopeless, isolated, frustrated, agitated, un happy. …ect. I think it starts with each individual. Depression is a illness. It’s not going to magically vanish away. It takes time and patience to accept you both are greatly affected. The biggest thing both need to remember is you won’t all ways understand one another. They don’t know what you go through nor do you know know what they are going through. Biggest problem is you make each other the problem when the problem has been and will be depression. You. Otherwise need help in different ways. It’s not a one time cure all pill you take. It starts step by step. Start with healthy boundries. The depression needs boundries… most intimate relationship don’t have good boundries. Think about your girls or boys you might have or hope to have. On their first date would you want them to have sex, get pregnant, and be a single person. Of course not that’s absurd. You want them to have boundries so they are not exploited. Depression is like a mistress with the evil intent to destroy. Nothing good happens when you both get socked into depression. Just be patient and understanding with yourself and your partner… they are sick and need help! They are still human, and your lover. They might just be lost and out of control… just like you could be!
It is a fact that depressed people get moody, angry, and argumentative being like that myself. The significent others also suffer as well and my H has yelled at me and said things that are unhelpful due to his frustration.
My girlfriend is suffering from depression. I don’t recognise the person I fell in love with apart from rare fleeting moments when I see the old her. She was the most fun, sexiest and loving partner, it felt great to be with her, she made me feel like a million dollars. Now she makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly and a fool. I lived through this with my now ex-wife and after 7 years I couldn’t cope anymore and was so very unhappy and lonely. I don’t know what to do, my gf won’t talk about it and is so cruel and cold at times, I just don’t know if I can survive going through all this again. She seems to be conpletely devoid of any understanding of how much her behaviour is hurting me and calls me ‘needy’. We go out socialising a lot usually with her crowd and she’ll sit and talk and laugh with other people but hardly speak to me. Last night we were in a club with lots of her old friends she sees all the time and she just disappeared for well over an hour leaving me sitting there like a lemon. When she reappeared she saw I was upset and just turned her back and didn’t speak to me. I tried to talk to her about it on the way home but she said there was nothing to say. I asked her if she actually gave a damn and she said she didn’t know. I haven’t heard from her since. Do I fight for the relationship or do I walk away? I love her I really do but after 7 years of fighting previously I don’t know if I can do it all over again. Been crying all day, just feel so confused and hurt.
Sorry you have to go through that. If you need to talk you can go on the depression fallout board, a lot of support there.
DEEP breath, fffffffff, let it out. I too was contemplating running away. By seeing this page and posts I don’t feel alone, thank you, bless you all. God bless America and never surrender!
hi guys, im 25 (26 in few days) iv been dealing with depression and anxiety since I turned 7 years of age. iv tried suicide on numerous occasions but never went ahead with it as iv never had the guts to go through with it. now I have my good times but most of the time its bad. I dont leave the house as im scared, scared of what I dont know but I get severe panic attacks. Iv been signed off of work and put on disability. but none of that is my problem, my problem is my wife. we’re together for 5 years and married for 1 1/2 years and have 2 kids together. since the birth of our first child my wife has developed post natal depression has OCD and since the birth of our 2nd baby she has developed anxiety and its really bad. Everything is just blown way out of proportion, she gets very dramatic. when I confront her about it all I get back is ‘you dont understand me and what this is doing to me and how it feels’ etc. she knows since recently it has taken over her life and is stopping her from going forward. I dont know what to do as we are simply broke and cant afford therapy for her. we are constantly arguing. before we used to be close and wish each other good night/good morning, but this morning I woke up too her roaring you dressed the bed wrong, u didn’t fix the curtains right and she goes off on one and im like WTF is happening. so tonight again she just gets up off the chair goes upstairs and thats it im left sitting here right now trying to figure out what iv done or not done now. Her mother knows whats going on but unfortunately dont have the means to help either. her parents are quite old in their early 70s and my mother is just worthless altogether but has been all my life. my father is dead and he topped himself when I was 7 but I never really knew him as he was on the run for most of the 7 years but anyway getting back my wife. suicide seems to easy for me. but I know what its like to only grow up with 1 parent and I really dont want my kids growing up the way I did. my wife has said similar things about suicide and it came down to the kids stopping her from doing so. I am at the lowest level of my life and seriosuly finding it hard to just keep going. I dont want to live in this hell we call life anymore I dont know what to do, her condition is just worsening each day now. I dont know what to do. im a man and the least thing sets me off. im an emotional wreck. if something sad on tv I cant stop my eyes filling up with tears. after every argument we have I goes to a seperare room or to the bathroom and im crying uncontrollably even writing this now I cant help but cry it just keeps coming and won’t stop I just cant take it no more. please some helpful advice would be very much appreciated. If I were to write everything down i think a copy book just wouldnt be enough. their has to be other solutions other than psychiatrists phycologists and other professional people.
Please help and thanks for taking the time to read all this.
D.
ps I dont want to write any names incase she comes across this and thinks im talking about her problems with the whole world.
D, i’m really sorry to read that this is what your life has become. do you know that there are free crisis lines you can call at anytime and someone will answer and help you find a way to cope and improve your situation?? Social workers are a less expensive option than mental health doctors. Just writing your story out was helpful in a small way – you took the first step. you aren’t just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you are making strides towards the change you want, and for that I am proud and hope that you are too. I always knew that the chemicals in my brain weren’t exactly perfect, but I stayed away from therapy as long as I could. 28 years to be exact. One day I had a complete breakdown in a public park and I knew I could not afford to not get help. Now I’m on medication but my partner is not, which makes it very complicated and challenging to coexist in the same household. Even though I feel 95% better than I did at this point last year, it seems like we have become triggers for each other. what started out as a relationship consisting of teamwork, fun, trust, and great sex has now turned into an explosive relationship where terrible things are said to each other, things are thrown and broken, and the only time I get skin contact is when she’s physically pushing me out of her way. don’t let this be you. if you want your marriage to work out you BOTH need help. one person getting help may make things better for a hot second, but it can’t work if one person is broken and one is on the mend. best of luck! i hope you guys can come back together.