When depression takes over your partner, you’re likely to go through an emotional waterboarding, a torture you have to escape. You may feel overwhelmed, confused, helpless to do anything. You take the brunt of the punishing anger or indifference that is all your partner can give you.
The relationship that means the most to you feels like it’s breaking fast. What can you do to keep yourself together?
There are thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities.
The members of one of the oldest of the online forums, Depression Fallout, report over and over again that the support of such groups has been a mainstay for dealing with their depressed partners. Communities like these might be a good starting point for you as well.
Here are 10 ideas drawn from the experience of people who have had to live with depressed partners as well as from my own experience as a depressed partner.
-
Take care of yourself as well as you can. When depression strikes and you find yourself living with a distant stranger, it’s only natural to focus first on your partner. You’re likely shocked and confused and want to bring back the familiar loving person you know. But it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and gradually undermine the health and inner balance you need to get through the crisis. The obstacles are huge since your partner is right there and depression is now part of your life. It’s important to keep your own life going, get out of the hothouse as often as you can and spend time on the things that most help you relax.
-
Get help. There’s so much stress in living with depression that you should reach out for support. Perhaps you have caring friends you trust enough to confide in, or can find a support group, online communities, perhaps individual counseling, . That’s the critical first step. And keep on getting their help. You need regular support because the injury doesn’t stop until depression does.
-
It’s not your fault. Depression is the cause of the problem, not you. Nothing you’ve done could have brought on the ugly transformation of your partner – whatever accusations they might throw at you. Nor is it possible for you to fix the illness. Depression is complicated, not fully understood, and has multiple causes. No one really knows how to cure it. You may be able to help your partner get the right kind of help, but they need to commit to the work of recovery and stay with it.
-
Learn about depression and how pervasive an impact it can have. That will prepare you to recognize the many ways it can distort your partner’s behavior. You should realize, though, that what you’re learning is just a small part of an evolving field of research. It’s easy to jump to conclusions about exactly what’s wrong and what can be done about it. Consulting a mental health professional is a good way to get further insight into your partner’s illness.
-
Offer love and support without trying to be directive. Suggest it might be helpful – but pushing it, demanding that he get help in certain ways or learn what you’ve been learning won’t work. Tell him you’re trying to figure out what all the changes in the relationship have been about – and will be there to help as much as you can.
-
Depression can control you both. Be aware of the danger that you can easily be drawn into the same vortex that’s spinning your partner around. Anne Sheffield describes it as Depression Fallout. Michael Yapko writes that Depression Is Contagious. It’s common to develop your own illness as a result of living with a depressed person. That’s why it’s so important to get all the help you can and to watch your emotional and physical state.
-
Break the Cycle. One way to keep from being dependent on your partner’s moods is to look closely at your reactions to each of them. What are the worst, most painful moments for you – the ones that trigger your most intense feelings? What does your partner do to set you off? What is the feeling that wells up in you – anger, fear, hopelessness? And what do you do in response – meet attack for attack, hold your feelings in, leave? How do you feel about your own reactions afterward? It can help to track these reactions on paper at first to help you recognize the triggering events. That tactic could make it easier to interrupt your usual reaction, restore a sense of emotional independence and break the cycle that’s hurting you in so many ways.
-
Be tolerant of yourself. You probably can’t stop the emotional rollercoaster all at once or persuade your partner to get help or take perfect care of yourself. Expecting too much too soon can only lead to more frustration and reduced self-esteem. You already have enough of those to deal with.
-
You Can’t Go Back. Try to remember that the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
-
They’re responsible for getting help. (edited 12/20/2013) Depression may be the underlying problem, but that fact doesn’t take away responsibility for destructive behavior. This is a difficult subject to talk about, and I do so from the perspective of someone who inflicted pain on his family during bouts of depression. When feeling better, I might well say something like: it was depression driving me to say and do those things. It’s not about you – don’t take it personally. But of course it’s personal. I was constantly leaving my wife and kids out of my awareness and often spoke and acted abusively. The anger, attacks, threats to leave and emotional withdrawal are as personal as it gets in a relationship. It’s especially important, then, to set boundaries. Depressed partners have to know when you can’t take anymore, or they cross a line that can’t be crossed. Remind them about what’s at stake and what you are really feeling. A depressed person is ill, yes, and probably wouldn’t choose to act hurtfully when well, so simple blaming is not appropriate. But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me, and it was a powerful wake-up call that got me back into treatment after a long period of denying the problem, despite my long history of depression.
Peter says
Hi, I guess I’m just after some advice and reassurance. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for around 8 months, which has up until recently been about as perfect as you can get. We’d known each other for years before and both jumped at the chance because of that knew we were a very good match and we had both been telling people that the other was for keeps.
She works in a high pressure job, although I known she’s always loved but for the last three months or so due to trimming of the staff and increased hours/workload had been getting worse. I saw her moods and enjoyment of the job slowly deteriorating all this time until she texted me and told me that she didn’t know what was wrong with her and just felt like crying. Now, I stayed over at her flat almost probably 4-6 times a week and she very gradually started to be a little less affectionate and noticably unhappy and I tried to do all I could to help her, which she knew and appreciated.
Things started to take another dive when three days before christmas, her sister along with her two young children and a 5 week old baby were kicked out of their home by her control freak and unpleasant fella. My girlfriend took them in which lead to the young kids being given her room while the baby, her sister and her started sleeping in the living room. That of course has led to being woken up regularly at night and probably getting only a couple of hours of sleep a night, on top of the hard work load this has made her terribly unhappy. I have offered that she comes to my house, but she won’t because what she feels is duty of care for her sister. Managing to find a new home is proving to be a long and slow process as the sister has no money to speak of and social services aren’t exactly being quick to assist. Now obviously I’m not blind to the fact she has problems much greater than mine and I’m offering to help where I can but my girlfriend has it seems become so distant from me it’s becoming extremely hard for me to cope. I’m hardly seeing her, which I have been ok with as I understand the difficulty of the situation but I’m now virtually not hearing from her either.
As I say it’s being particularly hard to deal with as we’ve gone from the most wonderful and loving relationship to me having this huge void, not knowing where we are going right now.
I’ve done a lot of reading up on stress and depression recently and are I feel in a position to understand where she is.
She does feel bad that it’s like this, recognising it’s not fair on me and she did say last week she couldn’t ask any more of me in the way I’ve handled it so far but it is becoming increasingly difficult to handle the situation and feeling so alone right not.
I wouldn’t swap the last year for anything and if it hadn’t been such a brilliantly ‘perfect’ relationship up to this point, it wouldn’t, I feel be so difficult to cope with
Thank you any one for listening, I’d be very grateful for any reassurance or any piece of advice for me please?
Lili says
Peter, you are a kind and caring man. Sounds like you and your partner is going through a rough patch. Does she have a history of depression or admit that she have it? I dont really have any good valid advices, as i have failed to save my depressed partner (will be ex soon), except you must try not to be dragged down by all this. One thing i learnt about depressed partners is that they can become extremely apathetic towards everything, and if you are the closest target, they would treat you with the greatest coldness. It seem like you have been left abit shell shocked by the change in her, which i absolutely can relate to. My partner turned from the most caring and loving man, who was passionate about me to someone who would happily not contact me for weeks, and not reply to my messages. It has gotten to a point that i had to ask/request a hug, even then its like a pat on the shoulder more than anything while his eyes are still fixed on his computer screen or tv. The lost of itimacy and closeness in a depressive partner is extremely hard to deal with, if you dont manage yourself well. It could rob you of your self worth and confidence as the partner grow more distant and cold. Try not to relate their behaviour to yourself. I wish you and your partner all the best, and succeed in beating depression where my soon to be ex partner and i have failed.
gg says
Hey Peter,
Lili said it all. Unfortunately it’s a really difficult and heartbreaking situation, but try not to be dragged by her depression. I feel I’ve been defeated by my boyfriend’s illness since he refuses treatment and is getting worse… so I just gave up after so much suffering. He was just amazing, but now is just a cold and distant person..
How does your girlfriend feel about treatment? I think it’s always worth trying.
All the best.
Peter says
GG,
Thank you for speaking to me, I’m really am sorry to hear things went wrong for you. I find it so sad that so many people still struggle to acknowledge depression as a genuine illness seeing how it affects so many people and often creates a chain along others.
I’m pleased I found this site as there are many kind words from people like yourself, and it will be just another thing to keep me strong. There are many people much worse off than myself and some things, or rather people are worth fighting through for.
Thanks again the comments have given me a lift when I’ve been down today
gg says
You’re very welcome.
Be strong. Everything must pass. 🙂
Carl says
Peter, its very important if your recognizing the symptoms of depression, that she get it diagnosed by a doctor that way she cant ignore it. Denial its so hard to get pasted.
Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.
Much like Gg and Lili I lost the battle once depression had set in..i couldn’t reach her she was someone else cold heartless. It don’t matter how perfect we think we are as a couple depression dampens the connection between two people, they question this as they are not that into us anymore then look for happiness else where. And i wouldn’t wish this one anyone.
gg says
“Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.” Perfect explanation, Carl. How did you get out of this? Are you seeing another person?
Best.
Carl says
Hey Gg i cant take credit for the quote i found it in my endless reach of trying to understand how my ex could treat me like crap and throw away 6years like it was nothing. I only ever knew about the passive symptoms of depression :(. My ex felt off she didn’t love herself,she felt she needed to be on her own she wasn’t happy..so i had to go it was us that was the problem i had no choice no say it was out the blue tho now i can see all the symptoms. Best friends to strangers i didnt my best to get her to see she was depressed again but she wont have it, and plus she moved on weeks later like you do (not us healthy people.) 8months on im still grieving slowly getting there, And no new person in my life yet. When we have been hurt like this we need time to heal.
Peter says
Thank you for the kind words, and I’m truely sorry things have not worked out for you.
Yes she does know this is depression and It’s actually the third episode she’s experienced. She did actually give me warning it could be coming when we both knew her usual self was gradually spirralling down. The fact that she has got through before is a source of hope for me, and also something I’m regularly keen to remind her of, but something that does concern me is that she is currently refusing ant treatment because she won’t go down the medication route this time due to adverse effects which she explained to me last week.
She’s just explained that she wants me to give her a couple of weeks head space to know what she wants, which I understand I guess but obviously concerns me too to an extent. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s not her but the depression in control right now and she was pretty frank with me when she warned me of how she goes.
Thank you Lili, as you most likely know it sometimes just helps to talk to someone afar from your own situation.
Lili says
Hi Peter,
The refusing treatment sounds abit concerning, especially with herself knowing about her own depression. As it’s something i have experienced with my now ex-partner. Like GG and Carl said, it was all picture perfect till depression sunk its teeth in. Yes, they may return to their usual self for periods of time, but relapsing is unpredictable and would hit when you are most unprepared. I know you are full of hope at the moment, just as i was a year ago. But no matter what you do, you must put yourself first. Because when a partner is in depression, they will not consider you at all. You must be prepared for episodes of depression, and each time they may push you further away. I, as do GG and Carl, can all relate to how you feel right now. When you love someone so much and they want to be away from you. It is very painful, and unfortunately Peter, it is something you would have to be prepared for in the long run.
And just as GG, Carl and i have done, we held out hope and stuck through with our partners till the end, came out battered and bruised.
I wish there’s something i can do to help except just telling you that you must try to detach yourself from her illness. Be there for her through her illness, but don’t believe the words and actions of the illness. You are right, it’s not her, its the depression talking. But remember, you are a person too, as must as you care for her, you must put yourself first for now.
I broke up with him last night. Cried the moment i saw him. Him? Not a single sign of sadness. His depression left me lonely and heartbroken, but free at last.
gg says
Yes, Peter, as Lili perfectly said: “detach yourself from her illness. Be there for her through her illness, but don’t believe the words and actions of the illness.”
Lili and all of you, I wish you all the best. I’d like to thank you all for being such a tremendous help.
Maybe we could all meet one day and, somehow, laugh about it all.
Sweet dreams to all.
MM says
I can relate to this. My ex who I have watched slowly die to depression for a year now doesn’t call me for weeks. When I reach out to him, he is angry most often. Other times he is glad to hear from me and says the things that still give me that tiny bit of hope. Eventually though it became not enough. He doesn’t reply to text messages and basically ignores them. Often I have gone weeks without seeing him or hearing from him and will send a nice note or a helpful link or a are you okay? I am here if you need me. . . and get nothing back. He used to be warm and hated when I let a cuss word slip. Now he curses worse than anyone I know–even at me! He used to be soft, gentle, kind and cared about life. Now he says he doesn’t care. I’ve seen him scream that he is going mad. . . I’ve tried everything. Trust me–everything. Eventually you have to walk. You can’t convince them or force them to do it differently–often you can’t even talk to them. . . you are the closest target. For me I think my partner is damn angry I expect him to still fight this and find a way back to the wonderful man he was. . .my not giving up seems to make him very angry at me. . .a far cry from my loving boyfriend of two years who I never once even saw rattled, shaken, angry or upset. So so sad how depression destroys relationships. I feel helpless. I have to give up. I have before for months at a time and returned but it’s time to walk away. Wash my hands of it. Let what will be , be.
MM says
I am sad– I can’t believe I can’t stop feeling so sad, confused, angry, bitter, upset, worried, lonely, rejected, guilty…oh, what depression does to the partners too. Why is it so hard to not still have hope? I’ve been doing this for 14 months. . . 9 months of it broken up–and he just gets worse. Maybe that’s the hard part, the guilt associated with this. I have said I am done–just look at old posts through the summer last year–but this time, it feels different. I feel less guilty. I am exhausted but it still hurts. I think what bothers me the most is I went from his best friend, partner and solace to his enemy and I didn’t change a damn thing. It hurts that he avoids me over all things and people. I never never wanted to be that to him–especially when he needed me.
But I know his thoughts are not rational. I realize I am the one who pushes him and reminds him of who he was–the one who expects him to fight this–and perhaps the one who he feels pressure from to go back to who he was since I am so neglected, and we have lost our relationship in his disease. The pressure that must feel like to him I get, but it doesnt make it any easier.
I miss him. I miss intimacy in my life. I miss my best friend. I miss his laugh. I miss kisses. I miss being hugged after a bad day. I miss being appreciated. I miss sharing my bed with someone. I worry. Each day I force myself to not think about it when I do. To let go. I’ve been using meditation at night–something new to me but it helps.
I did the best I could. I have no other choice. I keep telling myself this. Maybe one day, I will stop posting here. Maybe one day, I will give up all hope. It sure is difficult to say the least. We were so happy. It was like watching a storm come in slowly creeping over everything bright and distorting it–and witnessing him and us slowly die in it–day by day, month by month and now it’s going into year by year : (. It’s been miserable. I love him so much. Ever have days like this?
Carl says
I have days like this all the time, i can really relate to all of what you have said. Its so hard i know. I miss her everyday we have all been robbed of someone we love. Stay strong.
If you need to talk there is a very active support system here.
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com
KS says
MM. You have written what I have been unable to express. Thank you.
gg says
Today’s my turn to feel miserable..
bluebird says
MM, I am going through this now and the way you have described your feelings struck a chord and brought tears streaming donw my face. right now it has been about 2 months since I was dumped out of the blue….dumped by text message. since then there were some fake fights that he woul instigate saying out ofth eblue that I am bothering him and he just wants to be alone. before all that it was bliss. this guy knows quality, pays attension to detail and made me fall hard. just true bliss. support, love, care. AMAZING. hypersensitive. Beautiful soul. and in one day wanted to be alone and started making up things about me lying and pretty much altering my persona in a negative light so he would feel less guilty dumping me.
Anyway, I tried to reach out today. he said he wont be able to meet up. at least I get a response I guess. I said I understand he is in a funk right now and we can just play it by ear and i hope he will reconsider and let me meet up to get coffee or go for a walk….just for a short time.
He is responsive. I am in agony. I keep thinking I am getting better but I am on the verge of falling apart all the time. time drags. I have lost enthusiasm —its like i tripped and fell and cant get up. My nerves are on edge, I wake up in th emiddle of the night and cant believe this is happening. HOw come They avoid us? is it too painful becuase they really do care? I am so sad. we got along so well. How can it just be Game over?
isabel says
I’m 33 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years – we’ve been living together for about the same time. We have no kids and some ideas for the future, but we both come from unstable backgrounds and constantly wrestle with our own demons and insecurities. Lately, his seem to be getting the best of him and I find myself getting so angree and frustrated that I say things I wish I could take back. I’ve been fighting my own battles but feel helpless when it comes to his. He means the world to me but he doesn’t seem to be able to fight his battle and doesn’t seem to want to get help and I can no longer be the stable one for both of us. What words can I use to get through to him? Is it possible for both people to come out okay in this situation? Who can I turn to when his friends and family don’t see what I see or turn a blind eye? How can I make up for the mean things I have said? I feel like a terrible person but I don’t think I am, just stuck fighting an endless battle.
Sorry, just needed to vocalize.
Tom says
I currently am dating a girl who is suffering severe depression. I showed her this list and she STRONGLY disagreed with #10 about telling the sufferer your limits and what they can lose if they don’t get help. Was just curious for someone else’s opinion
maria says
mm i was just reading ur comment, i believe that she and i feel that number ten is a bit hard hearted. because it kinda implies that they are hurting u on purpose and that u might not really want to be with them if they do not get “fixed” or respect your limits. When severely depressed my own reaction would probably be like ” who are u to tell me anything, fuck u, if ur not happy with me then leave. while thinking, he doesnt love me. Nobody in their right mind would. i wish i could just die.
The getting help though…i think is very important. but when u are very depressed and even might have done treatment but in the end it didnt “cure” u, its very hard to convince to start another treatment…every time u gotta start over it sucks. It all gets better when u accept it as a life long desease and get a lot of information on symptoms and treatments and coping strategies. plus the talk therapy, and the medical therapy, and overall body nurturing…like massages, and chirpractics…to help with the aches and pains involved.
Carl says
Sometimes from the person who’s been getting hurt point of view its hard to understand, My D ex was awfully cold flippant with my feeling cut me off like it was the easiest thing to do after six years, And weeks later started with someone else.
Depression may be the underlying problem, but its also the driving force behind their actions and behavior, depression lies but its there truth there reality. I Get why shes done what she did, yet its still so hard to be cast aside like you where nothing.
Lili says
You have described my relationship to the T. Being tossed out like i worth nothing after all that him and i have been together certainly left a dint in how i see myself. It make me feel unwanted, and unworthy. And the way the Ds do their ditching makes it appear like depression is an excuse for the real reason of them gone bored of you. (or maybe it is in my case, i dont know what to believe anymore.
Carl says
Lili dont discount yourself, it says alot about the type of caring person you are looking for answers and trying to help your SO. I know how you feel ,feel like ive wasted my best years to robbed by depression it dont seem fair?, But they dont ask to be that way there detached from the people they love and the world. There losing to they just dont know it yet. Dont doubt yourself x
gg says
How was Christmas to you guys? This time of year can me more difficult…
Wishing you all a better new year. I still have hopes, after all. May we all find some happiness, stay positive.
Lili says
Xmas has been terrible. I have all but completely given up on the man i have given everything to. Looks like im going to have to say my goodbyes soon.
K says
I know how hard it is, I too had a horrible Christmas. And somehow we are always made to be the ones in the wrong. Are you seeing a councillor or anything to help you through?
Lili says
Hi K, 🙂
I am currently not seeing a councillor, although i am boarderlining depression myself due to this mess. All efforts of communication were down to me, if i do not contact him (the depressive), he would never try to contact me first. So for 3 weeks that i have stopped trying to chase after him now. I caught a flu virus and the sickness lasted for 2 weeks. It was the one time i did not bother letting him know i can not visit, which i normally do, despite his negative condition. And guess what? He did not bother ask either. No contact for 4 weeks today, I could very well be dead, and not even a single call/message, but he could’nt care less what im up to i guess… So this is what my 5 year relationship turned into.
Please tell me that you had a better holiday than i did, i could use some happier stories right now.
gg says
Hey Lili,
Is he on meds?
I’ll never understand this indifference and carelessness… Same thing with my boyfriend. Last time he vanished for a week and wouldn’t answer my calls or emails, then came back as if nothing happened. To be honest, I decided my happiness won’t depend on his behavior towards me anymore. It took a long time and much suffering, but I’m feeling free.
K says
My bf is the same, he wouldn’t bother to contact me either.. I had to drive to his parents house and convince him to come home. He won’t go and talk to anyone. And I think now he is sorry he told me! I keep asking him to leave because he is driving me mad I feel unattractive and boring, he makes me feel like this because of his lack of interest in me, but yet when he is at work he is so happy! He told me it’s all a front for work and that he is miserable everywhere… All I think then is well you could act happy at home for your kids atleast! I truly believe that he now thinks I’m the problem because I’m picking at him constantly. I just want attention from him. I just want him to come back to me 🙁
Lili says
To give a brief run down (sorry i need to voice this out somewhere). Hi gg, no he’s not on meds. When he ‘claimed’ to be suffering in depression he told me he would seek help. I do my best to support him on the idea, at the same time not push him so hard he push me away. Which he did regardless. Despite caring for him through his minor surgery, working and attending university, not to mention he is 12 years senior (here i am expecting to be the one being taken care of). He has not put in any effort to be a better person. I have been with him since i was 18, now im 24 and cant help but to feel i have wasted some of the best years of my youth on a man who’s readily to throw me away like trash. It is as K says, i just want alittle attention, to know that i was still fighting the good fight. But i guess not. I need to set myself free.
gg says
Let us know when you get to set yourself free. I could use some happy news now…. It’s SO difficult.. =(
Lili says
Hi gg,
How are you feeling these days? I have to say, i feel so much lighter, yes i closed the door on a 5 year old relationship. But the anxiety and fear is gone. I am at peace at last. And may i add, for once in my life i start to notice all the other men that are after me. I have been feeling unappreciated and unworthy for so long, i lost all self esteem. Turns out that’s not the case, and there’s plenty of fishes in the sea!
Please take care of yourself, and keep us updated gg, i hope one day we can all be free from this devil of an illness, and find happiness that we truely deserve.
much love to you gg, and everyone.
mm says
Lili
I echo you on this. I just started dating again and it’s amazing how much I forgot what being wanted felt like. I forgot how much fun it was to talk and not feel like I had to censor what I said because I feared any thing would set him off. I forgot what it felt like to feel desired sexually by someone. How it felt to feel beautiful again. How nice it felt to laugh with someone. To feel valued but most of all to feel appreciated and heard. My needs haven’t become secondary during his depression ; they were non existent.. I certainly don’t miss giving myself to someone who acts as if my loyalty is a burden and my place in his life is optional and only when he feels “clarity” from it all will he talk to me especially when standing by him and loving him through this for a year plus hadn’t been a joy ride. I don’t miss the nights of blank stares. The absence of love. Oh but the guilt for moving on. For giving up even when he pushed me out.
gg says
Dear Lili and MM,
I feel really happy for both of you. Hope things keep going well, hope you find the happiness and love you deserve.
My situation, unfortunately, is still the same. Sometime ago I wrote here I was moving on, but I just couldn’t keep my decision. And the disappointment I had with this relationship is so big it broke me down; I just feel exhausted, old (I’m only 30)… feel really tired to even think about starting a new relationship.
A few weeks ago I had an important health problem, and my boyfriend coudn’t say one nice word to me, just couldn’t be sympathetic at all… just careless – but he’s always there for the others, always willing to help – to me, nothing. That’s how I’m repaid for being there to him all the time, for being patient, caring… I feel drained and sad. How come he says it’s depression but I’m the only one affected? I’m the only one left without love, affection, kind words – all the others – his family and friends have the best of him – smiles, kindness – but nothing, nothing is left for me.. why??
I’m sorry for being a moaner..
blueeyes says
Finding this thread has been the greatest breath of fresh air in months. Thank you all for sharing your stories–it has helped me more than you could ever know, and I feel a little less alone.
I have been with my boyfriend for 14 months, and I am certain he is suffering from depression and anxiety, although it has not been diagnosed. For the first year we knew each other we built a strong long-distance friendship (talking on chat/Skype up to 8 hours a day) which eventually became a romantic relationship once we both lived in the same country. The first couple months that we were officially together were wonderful and we were together every second. It was an intense and undeniable connection, but this soon turned sour.
Fast-forward to now and I am living my life walking on eggshells at all times, and he is constantly mad/upset/disappointed with something I’ve said or done. If I so much as look at him in a way he doesn’t approve of (delusions of me being annoyed or angry) he doesn’t speak to me for days. When I finally get him to open up he goes on and on about how I don’t treat him with any respect etc. Today I broke down because it had been two days of him completely ignoring me (we live together) and I asked what have I done, why are you sleeping in the living room, closing doors in my face and ignoring me. It was the same story from him as always, I don’t respect him, etc.
He is writing his Master thesis and claims this is the reason for all of his stress. I can only imagine how difficult it is (I am also doing a Master’s and will start my thesis in February), which is why I have endlessly supported him through the process–editing and correcting (English is not his first language), offering to help design charts and tables for him (I’m a graphic designer), spending upwards of 40 hours transcribing 30+ pages of recorded oral interviews for him, doing at LEAST 80% of all cooking and housework to take some burden away from him, but he has been writing since before we even got together (about 16 months ago) and there is absolutely no end in sight. When I told him last week that I was feeling nervous about starting mine in a couple months because it would be a big challenge, I’d need his support, I hope I can finish it in time because I only have max 6 months to do it, his response was, “but yours will be way easier, it’s a creative project, writing mine has been like a nightmare,” completely minimizing my work and my feelings.
We never go out or do anything at all anymore. If I want to do anything with him other than watch tv in a dark room, I have to make the plans, and even then it’s a huge hassle and the most annoying thing he could ever imagine having to deal with.
I could go on and on with examples… I’m sure you all know the drill.
Any advice or comments would be very welcomed and appreciated 🙂
adavis says
Leave him before you have kids. This type of behaviour is never, ever, ever going to change. Even if he gets treatment (med, therapy) bouts of depression will continue to go on. This is not your fault. It is also not your responsibility. Why are you putting yourself out, exhausting yourself emotionally and physically, to help him. He has a mental illness, but you are not responsible for that. If he will not recognize that he has a problem, try to help himself, and abuse you in the process, which is what is sounds like he is doing, then leave. You can do better than that. I do not mean to be harsh. I have a husband who suffers from depression, and I love him very much. But I am married. You are single, probably still young, have no children to take care of, and you better leave before things get too entangled and complicated. Imagine dealing with his depressive episodes while trying to nurse a baby on demand, run after an active busy toddler, clean, cook, and work, with no help, no encouragement, no appreciation, all while your significant other is right there, but just can’t participate because of their depression. It is very aggravating. When you finally accept reality and stop expecting any interaction with them, then they are hurt that you no longer seek them out. It is maddening. If you are able to achieve a good education, put you love into yourself, graduate, have your career, and find a healthy, sane individual who is capable of loving you the way you love them. I would say this to my own children. Please remember what I have told you.
maria says
I am thinking that u are a wonderful person. But his depression aside, he needs a lot of work. Work on learning how to communicate without resorting to hurting u. He needs to accept what is going on with him and deal with it. I understand stress…but u really are on time to find someone who will help u grow not hold u down. and he seems to not really nurture u. If u love yourself half as much as u love him…u would leave and take care of your school its more important than ur current unhealthy relationship. It needs work…and frankly not a lot of people who are depressed have the strength of making themselves better…they tend to give under the pressure…because it is very very hard to learn how to cope…and to keep doing so every minute of the day.
But if u will not separate and want to suffer but somehow help him insist on medicine and therapy
but why would he think he needs it if u are really protecting him from failure by doing work for him??
i dunno just my opinion
lil says
I’d like to ask for an advice. My boyfriend suffers from depression and he doens’t like talking about it, says “it hurts too much”. I don’t want to bother him with the subject, but when he gets all apathetic and cold towards me and I feel he’s just about to break up, it’s horrible. I mean, not knowing what’s on his mind and not being “allowed” to ask… when it happens I do want to say things like “you’re just depressed again sweetheart, it’s not me, it’s not us”, or ask things like “you feel you don’t love me anymore? do you want to split up? How do you feel?”
Should I ask him or just wait for depression to go away? Even though I want to question him I’m really afraid of the answer; at the same time, feeling you’re not wanted without knowing if it’s really happening is hard…
Thank you very much.
ps:
I’m sorry for my English!
lil says
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences.. it makes me feel a lot better knowing I’m not alone in this.
Best.
K says
I’m currently living with a depressed partner, we have been together for 9 years we have 2 children 6 and 2. I’m im the situation where I don’t know if I can take much more, but I want to be strong and happy for my children it’s so hard! He is snapping at me I feel no love. But when I see him at work with other people he looks so happy and even acts normal toward me then when he gets home he turns into a different person. Last week he told me he never wants to get married doesn’t want to buy a house and doesn’t want anymore children. This was a shock I was never interested in marriage but buying a house and another child mean the world to me. He told me he might change his mind that his head is in a bad place, but I’m so scared that if I wait around for another year and he hadn’t changed his mind what do I do then? I don’t want any of those things with anyone else I love him so much. I’m so hurt scared and alone I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone. I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore
Tom says
K; I understand, my wife of 43 years has battled depression for most of our married years. Sometimes I feel like if I could only do what she wants, and not what she doesn’t want, everything would be fine. But from years of experience, it doesn’t work.
The bottom line is; if you truly feel you did not make a mistake choosing your partner and everything was good until the onset of depression, you and he have to get professional help, that is the only answer.
You may have quite a time finding the right shrink also. Do NOT see a counselor, they are a waste of money. Your relationship is worth every penny of good advice.
My wife had her depression under control for several years & I was spoiled by having my girl back, but now she is struggling again, and life is tough, but she would not give up on me & neither will I her.
Good luck.
T
maria says
wow Tom (Sir),
I wish to say that reading ur post was so wonderful to my ears. To know that there is a man out in the world who loves his depressed wife enough to stick through the hard times for so long. I just wanted to send u my best wishes for your wifes depression and that she has the strength to come back from the dark side to u. Keep being strong, even if she doesnt tell u. You being by her side is probably one of the biggest motivators for her to keep fighting. hugs 🙂
Coral says
K, i can write this after separating from my husband who has been suffering from depression for years quite simply because i became so concerned about the potential damage the situation could be doing to my 4 year old. We spent some time apart after he began lying about where he was and wsn’t coming home and instantly my daughter calmed down without daddy in the house, she didn’t need to misbehave to either get daddy’s attention or to stop us arguing. The hard thing is that everything you are feeling in terms of rejection will be things your husband will feel, he will push you further and further away until you say enough and then he will say you have rejected him. You have to put yourself first, and the well-being of yourchildren, you can support him from afar, amazingly my husband has been more of a father to our daughter in the past couple of weeks than he has in the past year, they’ve enjoyed spending time together and he makes the most of the time they have together. I wish you well, you are not alone, don’ t be embarrassed and look after yourself and your babies!
KG says
I am currently trying to come to terms with a relationship with a depressive. She and I started dating a little over two years ago. We knew each other as teens, and had shared a chaste kiss, but that was it. I reached out to her years later, finding her on the Web, and things just blossomed. It was a great relationship for the first year–best of my life, and best of her life if I am to believe all the words and signals. I should note that this was a long distance relationship, although we planned on living in one place once my daughter (previous marriage) is out of high school (a couple of years). But we saw each other about 20 times that year, and talked for hours on the phone nearly every day. It was very intense, very loving.
But then she suddenly went into (what I came to understand as) depression. Full on. The switch was flicked and right was wrong, I was bad, the good things I had done became bad things I’d done. Classic stuff.
Not being prepared for it, I was shocked…It took about 2 or 2.5 months to start to pull her back–and I did a lot of the heavy lifting (reaching out, being non-judgemental, etc.). Things finally got back to some semblance of normal about 3.5 months later. But, as has been written on this site, you can rebuild Humpty Dumpty, but he’s not exactly the same. I still loved her deeply, and she still loved me deeply. When things were good, they were great. But I knew that another episode might come at any time, and so I wouldn’t allow myself to get as close–at least not very quickly. As time went on, I’d get closer, start to let down my guard, and then she’d have a hiccup episode which might last for a day or two. And then I’d find myself putting up the protective shields again.
Anyway, despite the small episodes and being more careful to not put myself in a naked position where I could be as hurt, things progressed for another 9 months. At their best, things were great. She’d talk to me about riding into the sunset together, about how she wanted to get married (eventually), how I was the best thing ever for her.
Then, three months ago, I was at her place and she told me “I need you to leave.” I could tell she was going down the black hole again. This was two days after we’d sat at the kitchen table with my mom and she was telling her (unprovoked) that I was the best person in the world for her, how I got her, how I was so safe, so loving, so perfect, so whatever.
As she drove me home, I looked at her face, and it looked very strange, very flat, as if all emotions had been entirely drained from it. I had never seen this before (with anyone).
Anyway, a few days after that, I called her, asked her to meet me in a public place near where she lives. She hemmed and hawed, but agreed. We sat there, I consoled her and calmed her and gently dissuaded her of assertions she was making about “us” that were ridiculous and untrue–and this seemed to work. She invited me back to her place, and we made love. While we were doing that she told me that “I really do love you, and I am just so messed up.” When I left, she told me again she loved me, that she’d see me “soon” and to be careful.
That was the last time I heard from her. Since then, I have tried to contact her by mail, by phone, by text. She answers none of them. I contacted a mutual friend to make sure she’s OK, finding out she’s OK (as in, she is going to work and dealing with life). She just won’t acknowledge me. At all.
I know I should just accept “it’s the depression.” But what do you do with this? Do I wait for her? Why should I wait for her if she won’t even bother to communicate with me? Or is this just her way of making life easy for herself? Has she recovered and just moved on? Maybe she figures not talking to me is simply the easiest thing to do.
I wish she’d call me and break up. At least then I’d know something. This is horrible.
j says
I am not a psychologist. I am an ordinary person in my late thirties. I had depression in my teens. It ruined every relationship I had. I dated nice compassionate people. My behavior hurt them. When I realized that, I stopped dating and remained single for 15 years. Then I met the person I was able to have a relationship with. I opened up and I am happy. It was like I was a totally changed person. Anyways, I think it will all boil down to how much of this you can endure and for how long. I don’t think your love can save her from her black hole of depression. This appears to be an unhealthy situation for you. I am all for loving and caring and sacrificing. But I am also for balance in all we do. Balance is the key. At least that is what I have observed. You’ve given her your best. I can see that. There is just this much you can do. You make the decisions for yourself.
KG says
Thanks. Yes, I agree: Balance is the key. Although I loved her enough that it would probably have taken nothing more than an apology to bring me back in, even with the imbalance.
However, it’s now almost four months later, and she still has never answered a single attempt to call her (I try every couple of weeks), never emailed me, never sent or replied to a text…nothing. I assume she has created some sort of narrative about me that makes it possible for her to justify this behavior. What that narrative might be, I have no idea. And it’s simultaneously extremely sad and extremely maddening to believe that she could do something like that.
Sigh…
lil says
Oh, boy. Such a difficult situation… So hard to see the person you love turning into a strange. =(
Carl says
Yes its hard to see that one person you loved so much convince themselfs your the problem. 6months my ex has ignored all attempts to reach her letters emails texts. The cold heart behavior its horrible because we know they are better than this. We have no idea whats going on in there heads if only they could talk to us, i know they cant. I feel your pain ive lost my gf and best friend and cant do a dam thing about it.
Michelle says
I have been married to a man 16 years my senior for almost 30 years now. He suffers from depression, dementia, BPD, and chronic back pain. I am at a loss. He sees a Dr. for pain management and his mental illnesses. He is on so much medication and he sleeps so much. His personal hygiene has gone out the window. He barely speaks to me. This was not always the case. It has just been about the last 10 years. I am so lonely. It seems as though he just doesn’t care what this is doing to our family. I need help, I feel like it is starting to effect my mental welfare.
Lingerly says
Michelle, I am so sorry for your situation. I wish I had something meaningful to offer you. Given the complexity of his mental and physical disorders, I wonder if he would be eligible for some kind of home health or nursing care? At least this would provide you with a respite and give you the chance to develop relationships and interests for yourself. If his dementia worsens, it may be necessary to look into a residential program.
Dawna says
Hello, I am engaged to a wonderful man. We had a wonderful relationship and I adore his family. It was almost fairytale how we met and even the first year or so of dating. I then started to see little bits of depression sneaking in. Of course, I didn’t realize that was what it was – he was aloof, acted like he was annoyed to be around me and argumenative. It’s back and forth, he’s wonderful one day and showing signs of depression the next – it’s driving me crazy. His family has shared that depression runs in the family (both sides). He is just now starting to get treatment, so I am trying to be upbeat, but I am not sure what to do about moving forward with the wedding. I love him, but if things don’t change, at least some, I am not sure if I should sign up for this for the rest of my life? He does seem to be very serious about his treatment – so I feel bad even considering not standing by him. Advice?
Kathy says
Run! I know I might be sounding drastic but depression is really hard to live with! I would postpone the wedding until his treatment is farther along. I know from experience that treatment is good for a bit then they feel better and stop treatment and the next time the deression strikes it is worse…..I know I am biased, but you asked. I love my kids and recognize that I wouldn’t have them if I didn’t marry him but feeling rotten and walking on eggshells is truly awful – I find myself thinking if I can really be a caretaker for someone who is angry, irritable and generally miserable for the rest of my life- right now for example he has grumped off, muttering something about how annoying me and the kids are and is in bed for the night and it’s only 7pm.
dawn says
Some good information however that last point is so wrong. It just comes across angry and bitter from the author. Not one other site tries to place blame on a person because although a spouse might not be acting with love and affection its not really their fault. How can you place blame on a person when their brain is chemically altered into affecting their behaviour. I haven’t met a single person who wants to be depressed and the shear fact of depression itself is the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness to situations and your ability to control emotions. If I had helped my partner better through love and support why would I then sit there with the just out right nasty thought that everything was their fault because how dare they suffer from a debilitating serious illness.
Bianca says
I agree that a person cannot help when there is something chemically impacting their brain and behavior, but I think that maybe what the author means is that it is their responsibility to seek treatment and work through their problem. If someone knows they have a problem and refuses to seek treatment, then at that point it does become their fault because it is their responsibility to take care of their health.
Girl says
Hi,
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years with a sweet guy who suffers from depression and anxiety caused by a chemical imbalance, it will be a lifelong condition. We started dating young (I was 15 he was 19), in hindsight it was a bad choice, I was grieving and trying to deal with divorce and my mum being an alcoholic.
He is 22 now and still doesn’t have a job. He is happy sat at his computer all day. He is very clingy and needy; ‘cuddles’, ‘I love you’ and ‘I need you forever’ are said at least 5 times a day. It was sweet at first but now I’m starting to panic and feel trapped.
I’ve worked since I was 16 and I’m also still in education. It’s hard to keep trying to imagine a future when they’ve made little progress. I pay for most things until his jobseekers allowance comes every two weeks but instantly £50 goes on his phone and a computer game leaving £50 to get him through the next two weeks.
We both still live with parents which keeps costs down but I have a car which means I pay fuel to and from his and I pick him up if he comes to mine. It’s only a 15 minute drive but it adds up alongside the costs of driving to my courses.
I want it to work but he often gets defensive if I talk about seeing a counsellor to help with the depression or if I ask if he’s applied for some jobs yet. Still no.
I asked for time away today and it didn’t go well as expected. I want to see if anything improves now that i’ve taken action but I don’t know what to do If nothing improves.
It’s so difficult because I still love him, but should I keep trying? or end it and focus on my job and getting good grades??
It’s such a shame because he is intelligent and an amazing musician. Everyone around him has supported him through these years but there has been next to no progress. Am I being harsh to expect this of him? I’m a terrible decision maker, so any views would be appreciated.
Thank you
kay says
I would like you to ask yourself a few things.
1. Do I want to be a care giver for the rest of my life?
2.Will I be happy if I stay with him?
3. How is his depression affecting me?
I have been married for a little over 2 years. About 15 months into our marriage I found out that my new husband suffered from depression(partly because of a injury which resulted in surgery that failed and he is now in pain all the time and unable to work) and had tried committing suicide several times. He had never told me about these before we got married, honestly if he had I would have never married him.
Within 4 months of me finding out about his depression he tried to kill himself again. He is now on meds for depression but they are not helping and his doctor says he doesn’t want help. He also sees a therapist and the first time he saw a psych. she sent him to the hospital to be evaluated.
For the past 8 months I have walked on eggshells trying not to set him off and make him more depressed. He doesn’t talk to me. We never make love anymore. We are like 2 people sharing a house and that is it.
I am not happy anymore. I used to be a happy person even though I have a lot to do, school, work, family. There are times I feel depressed, angry, trapped. I really do not see this ever getting better.
My advice to you is ask yourself these questions. If I were in your shoes I would not stay with him. You are so young and if you stay I fear things would get worse not better. For your sake you have to take care of you, because in this relationship he can’t take care of you.
Take care and you are in my prayers.
Anonymous says
Well said, this is a sensitive and well thought out post. I wish you all good things for your life and future.
KJ says
It sounds like you really care for this man, and I’m sure he has great qualities. Unfortunately, I think you’re doing what I ended up doing for 12 years from my early 20s, which is waiting for something to change, and putting your own life and feelings on hold until they do. Whilst depression and anxiety are important, and hugely affect people’s day-to-day lives, they do not have to create ‘learned helplessness’ (e.g. needing to be picked up from 15 minutes away) in people. The issue of you picking him up is indicative of a wider problem isn’t it? Can’t he get a bus, or walk? You appear to be creating a co-dependent relationship in which you will find yourself increasingly tightly involved in, until you feel you can’t walk away because his life depends upon you. What I’ve learned is nobody’s life depends on you, unless they’re your child. And whilst you provide someone with all the things they need but can’t or won’t provide for themselves, things will never change.
What will change is that you will both develop resentment towards each other, and your frustration and unhappiness, if not expressed and acted on, will come out sometime and somehow! I ended up becoming extremely depressed myself which took a while to recover from. I don’t know what you mean by “I asked for time away today” but you need to TAKE it if you need it, don’t request it. You need to start prioritising your own needs, which sounds harsh but is simply how it has to be, because you are in charge of you, and you can either decide to sacrifice yourself to someone else in the belief you are being kind, or you can remember that you get one life and that he is perfectly capable of coping without you. So you’re putting what he WANTS above what you NEED.
You might still love him, but you want to get out of this situation don’t you? Love – on its own – isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. You also need mutual respect, support, and a sense that you are pulling in the same direction. You can’t do a relationship on your own. It’s time to be stern with yourself and stop trying to make the ‘nice’ choices or to avoid hurting people. Hurting someone you love by leaving them is a terrible feeling, but hurting them and you by spinning out an untenable situation and making yourself unhappy is much worse. It’s also kind of arrogant (this is what I told myself!) to make everything hinge on you. It doesn’t. Be brave, be bold, be strong…and follow your head. Don’t just hide it in the sand
xxxx
Lingerly says
I believe you know the answer to your own question: focus on your job and academics, and allow yourself to leave the relationship. Leaving doesn’t diminish your affection for this young man, but it does remove you from a path that will ultimately bring you down as well. When I was your age, I thought depression was a pervasive feeling of sadness. I had no idea of how deeply its effects traveled beyond feelings to behaviors, interactions, perceptions, and more. You are correct when you recognize that his will be a lifelong condition. And, after five, ten, fifteen years of this he will no longer seem sweet. I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve to be loved and have a relationship. I am saying that you don’t need to be saddled with this while you are still building your own life. Best wishes to you. You are not a terrible decision maker–you just need some of us veterans to support what you know is right inside of you.
Kathy says
My husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder and add I think. He’s on medication wellbutrin and effexor but I don’t think it’s working the way it should. He hates his work, and was in counseling to look at career alternatives but because he can’t find a lucrative buisness to buy that requires little maintence, or effort on his part, he has stopped counseling. He has no friends and very few hobbies. We have been married for almost 10 years now and the depressive episodes are getting worse. This last month he has been cutting himself on the hand with scissors he tells me that eventually he will cut deep enough to need stitches but won’t get them and that eventually he will commit suicide because he wasn’t meant for this world. We have children who don’t really know what’s going on just that daddy is grumpy – he goes to bed very early and is apathetic to most household things. Then things will change and he will be laughing and happy and active with the kids and all will be well. It’s so hard not knowing what it will be each day, I know he blames me and sometimes it seems like he’s trying to punish me by telling me about wanting to die and just the way he will talk to me – as if he’s a teenager trying to get a rise out of his parents. This is so lonely – I talk to some of my friends about it but I’m embarrassed I’ve seen a counselor but I’m ashamed – I don’t know if I have the strength – people offer suggestions and things I can do but he doesn’t listen to me – I have no power – it’s so lonely – I just want someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay, or to have him just die already – then I feel horrible for thinking that. I don’t want to leave him, I love him, I love my family. I’m afraid
kay says
Kathy I am sorry for what you are going thru. My husband too suffers from depression and is on meds that are not working.
I do have a suggestion. The next time he gets in one of his moods call the police and have him Baker Acted or as some states call it 72 hour hold. He will be evaluated and maybe his meds will be changed or increased. Also you will get to tell them how he is at home and that he is trying to hurt himself and threatens suicide. He may be mad at you for this but you will be doing the right thing. He maybe bipolar also with extreme ups and downs, just a thought.
I understand your feeling in this situation, I have had the same feelings. You don’t need to feel ashamed, his depression is not your fault.
Your responsibility is to take care of you and the kids. You can’t take care of someone who doesn’t want help.
My prayers are with you.
Kathy says
Thank you – it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone
Kathy says
And I think if he does threaten suicide again 911 might have to be the drastic action to inspire change…thank you for the suggestion
Caroline says
Jennifer, i can totally relate to what you are going through – i have to start everyday thinking it is going to get better, it has to, things really can’t get any worse. Stay strong, make the most of the good days and write off the bad ones!
Struggling says
Hi…I am the same “Struggling” who wrote here on May 29th. Since then…well…yesterday my partner and I split up. It was his decision really as he said (I quote) “I cannot deal with a relationship right now.” I don’t know how to feel. He hasn’t returned to work since I wrote my original post, and I did live with him over the summer. It was tough, while I loved (and I still love) him, I also felt the depression moving across to me, slowly trying to draw me into it.
My partner continually ended up having very little money, and there were times where we would use the last tin in the cupboard just before his work (who after 9 months were still paying him despite him having been off sick all that time) paid him. I have always been a carer and a mothering person, and despite my partner being 25 and I being 20, I still mothered him. Over the summer many friends of ours told me I was doing so and told me they were there to support him just as much as I was…but I still felt I had to because they weren’t living with him, and I was.
I have gone back to University recently, 7 hours away from home and my partner, and he has struggled. He has spent so much time with friends rather than at home, and often we would fall asleep on Skype together when I was at University last. Because he has been at friends’ houses, he hasn’t been able to do that, and it began to take a real toll on me; not having my boyfriend around when I needed him most, when I felt low. I called him on this and he told me he would try to change it, but the following week (this week) he has spent four consecutive days there. I finally blew when he told me he would skype me from home and instead was still there. It was a small thing but the stress and upset had bubbled below the surface for so long that it erupted.
He began asking if I wanted to end the relationship, and I had an hour of trying to explain that no, that wasn’t the case, I just needed some give and take, and I felt I was doing 90% of the giving. I told him that I wanted 2-3 evenings a week where I could sit on skype and chat, which had been what we had done last semester. He told me he couldn’t. That was all I got. He couldn’t. I suggested we sleep on it but ended up calling him a couple of hours later, telling him to stop telling me he was ending it “for my sake” and to give me the real reason – which was “he couldn’t handle a relationship”. We’ve agreed to stay friends and to keep connected but…it will be tough. I can’t pretend I’m not relieved in some small way…but I do love him, and it feels a little callous to just say “I can’t do that” when I’m asking for time together, not for him to move the earth.
kay says
My husband suffers from depression so I have learned a bit. I would suggest that you let him go because honestly he can’t handle a relationship. Being in a relationship where you give 90+% will drag you down and you might wind up feeling depressed also. His depression is not your fault or responsibility.
It is ok to love someone but let him go. He honestly can’t give you anymore than what he has already and you will always be left wanting more which can make you feel pretty empty and trust me when I say, it is an awful feeling.
You need to take care of yourself. Focus on your studies and in the words of my husband(his advice to me) “Go be your happy self”.
Take care and you are in my prayers.
Geoff says
Hi, I can relate to these stories. My girlfriend of 2 years, now fiancé has been living with depression for 7 years or so. Im 30 she is 25. When things are going well we are on top of the world. But then she turns on me and says that I sleep around with other women when I don’t even think about being with anyone else. I convince her that I really do love her and we get back together. But deep inside her she thinks that I lead another secret life. It is so frustrating and saddening because I love her more than anything. This has been happening off and on now for about a year now. I asked her to marry me and we moved in together 2 weeks ago. I work in the bush 2 weeks at a time and when I left for work everything was fine. The day I got here she told me she wanted to break up and is moving out. Now she won’t even answer my calls. I don’t know what to do. I want to keep calling and try to make her see that she is the only one for me. But she refuses to trust me. It’s really hard and I have really no one for support. It was nice to find this site. Hopefully it can be helpful.
kay says
Geoff
I would like you to ask yourself a few things.
1. Do I want to be a care giver for the rest of my life?
2.Will I be happy if I stay with her?
3. How is her depression affecting me?
4. Is this the kind of life I want to live, never being trusted?
My suggestion is to let this relationship go. Yes the lose will hurt but if you answer these questions honestly you will find it is for the best.
My prayers are with you. Take care of you.
TJ says
My boyfriend of 7 years has been diagnosed with clinical depression about a month ago. I had noticed that he was moody alot, getting angry at me for no reason, thinking negatively about himself and sometimes he even said that he would be better off dead. At first, I just thought that he was being so just for purpose. Last month he had a block out and he went to the doctor but he made me believe that it was just stress that he had but he didn’t tell me exactly what it was. I thought that may have been it because where I live, jobs are really hard to come by and he has been unemployed for about 3 years so I figured all of this was the cause and maybe some of it contributes to his depression. It wasn’t till last week thursday, he blocked out again. He complained of being hot and he couldn’t eat anything because he would bring it back it. That was during the day. As night approached, he began to act really weird. He told me stuff like, i abandoning him, i don’t love him anymore, I don’t talk to him nomore etc and i just thought that he was being silly( I didn’t know about his depression up to that point)… so I told him I was going to bed .. I don’t wanna have this argument with you and he just starting acting even more silly. I asked him what really was the problem because the last time you felt sick ( complained go being hot with severe belly aches) that you were stressed out and he said that he has a mental illness and that he is mad. I was like, stop talking like that and i asked him if he was serious and he said yes… long story short.. eventually he got calm enough to tell me what was going on etc. After that I researched depression online and I realised that it isn’t going to be easy but I don’t know what to do. Im 20 and he is 22. I wanna be with him I know that for sure but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. Im afraid that I may lose myself in this process. I want to be there for him but I don’t know exactly HOW to be there for him. I am afraid that him being depressed will make me depressed. Btw….he has medication but say that he is only suppose to take it when he feels like a mood will come on. Any ideas on how to cope with it without getting angry or frustrated with him?
Caroline says
This is the first website i have found that has anything useful for those people living with someone with depression, so thank you to all of you who have posted something, however painful. My husband suffers terribly from depression and anger issues – this latest bout is the worst, 7 months in and no effective treatment, i feel we have been really let down by the UK healthcare, so i am trying to address that through the official channels – he has been passed from team to team with him before referred to another team at every turn. Over this last week, i have been shouted at down the phone, been on the receiving end of a torrent of verbal abuse, had my family called the most horrendous names and over heard him threaten to slap my 4-year olds face. He’s not gotten out of bed for the last 3 days and not worked in 4 years everything is on my shoulders – i am the breadwinner and have supported us financially for all of our relationship. There have been fall outs between both wider families and I sometime feel I am trapped in my own home. I can’t leave my daughter on her own with him because he can’t cope. If anyone has come out the otherside and has any advice please do share!
Ann says
I think you’re all so much stronger than me… I’m just too weak.. I get destroyed every time my partner makes me feel unloved or acts like he would end the relationship at any moment… I get really desperate, it’s a terrible feeling. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but to watch him turning into a cold and distant stranger makes me feel shallow and abandoned, it hurts physically. Depression is a terrible disease. Don’t know how much more I can take, but last thing I want is to let him go.
Jennifer says
I feel the same way my husband and I have been married for 13 years I did not realize it for the first 7 years I just thought he drank to much , but he was really self medicating , it wasent until I was 7 months pregnant with our second child , he told me that he didn’t love me anymore and left I was devastated until I finally realized he was depressed and he was for a long time he started taking medication and was fine for the next four years, until he started getting in shape exercising , and decided he didn’t need the meds anymore he stopped taking them about a month ago, and sure enough he told me he didn’t love me anymore and left I was devastated again left with 2 kids, now he has been back on the meds for a week, he is starting to come around again, I am just petrified that he will stop taking them again, I am very weak when it comes to my husband I love him, but when he gets in these moods I feel like he hates me and my children, I have panic attacks when he leaves I cant sleep or eat, I have to take stress leave from work. I am waiting for the meds to completely kick in to tell him if he ever stops taking them again we will definitely have to get a divorce, its just to painful, he is a totally different person when he dosent take those pills
Ann says
I just can’t understand why they always stop the medication!!!
William Sheppard says
I do, they think they are over it, (like a headache) the often dont even remember the way they treated you. Also sex goes completely out the window when they are on it. The last time my wife went on them for a year, there was no sex for a year. Now she has started again finally, sex is once again missing, as they feel blank, and never get happy or sad, they just go null. so what r u to do, you love them, but they cant show you much emotion , or they go off, and they go from rage to passion in an hour? I wish there was better meds that didn’t dull them , and yes she has tried 4 or 5 different ones, and it on the lowest dosage, wish there was better drugs!
William Sheppard says
I am late 40’s Male, and I have been married to my late 40’s wife for 26 years.
7 years ago my wife had an incident at work, which my wife got PTSD from, she had to quit work and was diagnosed with PTSD, she went on antidepressants for a year and got counselling. Things seemed ok, for a little while, but then every time a situation would crop up that reminded her of what happened to her , she would relapse, she would lash out at me or our 3 sons in horrid torrents of verbal abuse, this would continue for weeks, then as quickly as it comes she would act like nothing has happened. Only after breaking point, after I stated that I cant continue in our marriage if she did not seek treatment she would go back on antidepressants , but usually only for a few months, then the cycle would continue.. I have begged and pleaded to get professional help and for us to go to couples counselling, but she totally refuses, saying she is not MENTAL. For the past 7 years now she has been unable to work, and stays at home, with very little to NO social interaction. She often says she hates her self, and or just doesn’t speak for days on end. No one cant talk about their jobs as it brings up memories of work, and she has locked herself in her own mind prison. I find there has been so many hurtful vile things said to me, and paranoid behaviour I just cant take much more, I really have done everything I can to try and help, but I can’t help (cant lead a horse to water).
I think I am about to file for a divorce, as I don’t want to live the rest my life with some one who can turn on a dime, and let loose with abuse from hell for no reason at all, and then two days later says they love you, it is too confusing for me to try and understand anymore, and I find I am being constantly stressed and unhappy. I REALLY think she is only staying as she cant
support herself without my income. I am feel totally used and abused and unwanted. I really dont know what else to try anymore.
Ann says
The situation is really difficult and sad when the person refuses treatment. I think if after 7 years she still doesn’t had enough pain to “surrender” to a treatment, maybe it’s time for you to move on..
William Sheppard says
WELL NOW on last chance, just after I wrote this she went back on, see how this final ship sails, as I am really at whits end!
Jennifer says
I know exactly how you guys are feeling I was 17 when I started going out with my now husband & I didn’t even know any different I thought this is the way a relationship is, I am now 30 older & wiser just about at wits end with the stress my husband brings to this family when he gets in his moods, at first I am hurt desperate to make him stay tell him a hundred times a day how much I love him, & there isn’t any emotion on his face at all, & than I hit the stage of anger I just want out I want a husband who loves me & is always there to help me solve everyday problems, this disease is so frustrating its getting harder to feel bad for him I do everything In this house from pay the bills take care of our business raise our 2 young children & work full time. I wish somebody could just tell me everything is going to be ok, My husband is no longer the Man I need him to be, His parents beg me to stay with him, just ride it out Jennifer he will start to come around when his meds fully kick in , My family tells me to leave him find another Man while your still young, that is my roller coaster of a life with my depressed husband
William Sheppard says
I think you just have to draw a line in the sand, and write it down, and if it gets crossed then make your decision. I know its very difficult, I have sough counselling for myself , tried and tried to reason with not just her, but my own thoughts. Sometimes the best thing you can do, even if you love them, is let them go. I have been doing that in my own mind for a while now, cause I know if the meds stop, then so will my marriage which is hanging in there, if only by medication. The thing is we get so beat down by all the hate, the rage, and the anger, we take neutral as a good sign, and think this is ok.
But is it really ?
Do we think we are too entitled to have real love , and compassion? I don’t even think I know anymore what those are, as its been so long since I have experienced it. I have had the rage for so long, I have forgotten what that is. I just know I long for it, but realistically I know its no longer there, as much as I might want it to be.
Jennifer says
My Husband has been diagnosed with bipolar has of yesterday, I don’t know if that is good or bad, it definitely answers a lot of my questions I think he was bipolar all along, I had to trick him into going to see the doctor but I am relieved I did I told the doc, everything that was going on I didn’t care how mad my husband got, but before he left he agreed he said he felt betrayed by himself, he has been very withdrawn since I think he is just thinking, the doctor upped his meds I am just hoping & praying this works, if not I have already made the commitment to myself to leave him I have to try to have some kind of life.
Sarah says
Recently married (about two months ago) and having dated for a year, I knew my newlywed husband had a history of depression. I didnt know how bad it was until we moved in together about 9 months ago. He had worked for himself up until that point when I felt it was necessary that we both have stable income to pay for the wedding. I quickly realized that the “seasonal” depression he had told me he experienced was really severe depression. Once we moved in together, things were fine for about a month before he randomly started missing days at work and staying in bed…sometimes for two to three days at a time. He lost his job after only 2 1/2 months…all the while I was assuming it was also due to the stresses of planning a wedding. He got another job but things just got progressively worse.
After only four months of us living together, I was struggling to keep up with bills, rent, and wedding planning. I kept the cheery outlook that it was wedding jitters and that once we were married and settled in, things would be better. A month after our wedding, he stopped working all together. We had to move in with his parents because we couldn’t afford rent, one of our cars broke down and he (a mechanic) hasn’t fixed it so we are sharing one car. This is the excuse he uses for not seeking employment…that he doesn’t have a car for his own use.
He doesn’t have a job, sleeps most of the day, and isn’t seeking any help for it. I’m at my wits end! I never thought it would get this bad and the depression is starting to affect me. I’m beginning to feel down and hopeless. The life I thought I would once have has disappeared and in place I have a husband that isn’t always there, blames me for his short-comings, and has refused to seek any help.
When I try to talk to him about the concerns I have, it just leads to more fighting and bickering. I dont know what to do anymore. I love him and want to try to work this out.
Ann says
I think when depression is really bad and the person just gave up maybe it’s time for involuntary hospitalization. What’s your opinion about that?
Jennifer says
I agree
laura says
I feel it’s been the same with my husband only it’s been 6 years now and only gets worse.
Cynthia says
Tonight my depressed cried and cried. He hates everything but us. Since being pregnant, I have been snoring really badly. I am sleeping on the couch away from my baby for the first time to night because of this because he said he can’t sleep. I want to be close to my 3 month old. I miss him. I miss my husband.
Michaela says
I’m very confused….My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has been very depressed lately. He’s been taking one hard hit (from life) to another, then another. His misfortune in continuous. To top it all off, he has a crazy ex wife who is determined to make his life miserable, and believe me; she does! Anyway, he knows he’s depressed and he knows that he needs to snap out of it, but it’s simply not happening. I suggested antidepressants, but he’s against medication. He went to a therapist a few times, but didn’t find it helpful. I was starting to take it personally; I was feeling like maybe he just doesn’t love me any more. I was getting offended that he doesn’t call me as much during the day, and he doesn’t text “I love you” to me much any more. It was really bringing me down and stressing me out. I Thought Of Leaving Him……then I realized that it wasn’t me…It’s his depression. I love him dearly and I realized that I should be by his side. It’s hard sometimes because it feels like he doesn’t want or need me there. My problem now is, “What should I do?” How should I handle him? Should I just let him be? Should I just be there for him; sit there quietly (he’s not into conversing much either)? Should I demand we go out? What about me though? What about us? Am I supposed to take a back seat to all of his drama until he feels better or until some of his major crisis are resolved? I feel like I’m in limbo. My life feels empty. I feel like I’m holding on to a hopeless dream waiting around for him…Any suggestions? Please help…
Ann says
Oh dear, I know what you’ve been trough. Personally I avoid all kind of medication, but about ten years ago had a terrible depression and was determined to die. I only didn’t do it because of my mom, thinking she wouldn’t cope. So I just looked for a psychiatrist and took medication for about 3 years, then stopped (without medical supervision – really stupid thing to do) and since then I am all right. Been trough really difficult times, including the loss of a loved one to a terrible disease, and even so wouldn’t really depressed. Now I’m in a relationship with a depressed person – being feeling unwanted and unloved, but he’s willing to try treatment, that’s what gives me hope.
I understand being against orthodox treatments, but what about alternative ones? Do you think your husband would agree? There’s loads of really good and successful alternative treatments.
Stu jones says
Hi, my partner has been dealing with this issue all her life alone and scared. I’m new to this with her and I’m just looking for help so as that I stop taking everything said personally.
Lili says
Hi Jones,
i know you probably have seen this written many times before but you must tell yourself not to believe in her words. Her accusations, blames, twisted realities said against you and towards you. And you must believe this for yourself, that you are not the cause for her depression. I feel like a hypocrite for telling you this, as for myself i still struggle with this myself.
They say there’s two sides to every story, and it is true. the non-depressed partner may or may not have contributed towards the negativity for the depressed partner. But that’s just how relationships go, no one’s perfect and we all make mistakes. Normally in a non depressive relationship you should talk to eachother about the wrongs and work together to right them.
But my experience in the depressed relationship everything just somehow automatically became my fault. Its shocking, hurtful and crushing to hear the person you love have held so much against you and now views you as the enermy. And no doubt, its almost impossible not to take it personally. How can you not?
The only thing you can do Jones is be there for her, listen to her and talk to her.
It probably would be the best for you two to go couple therapy sessions where a perfessional can assist on ways to communicate. That way you dont have to be only person she vent out everything to, you will only end up being the punching bag for all her blames, frustration, negativities and anger that she helf inside herself. As depression goes, the closest one and the one love the most will always be in the front line of fire.
Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do to ‘fix’ the depressive partner and the only thing we can do is do our best to be supportive at the same time take care of ourselves.
Tom says
Lili,
You said everything to a T on my marriage of 5 years now. We’ve been together 8, and the last two have been terrible and I’ve felt helpless. I had depression when I was a teenager so I understand it. My relationship with my wife when from being with the most loving, caring, and aware of my feeling s to just cold and hateful.
Depression sank in due to the nature of her job. Regular therapy failed, then marriage counsuling failed, now she finally saw a psycotherapist with weekly meetings and a small dose of prozac. She’s eating better, not drinking two glasses of wine each night. Lost 12 pounds in two months and being to care again. I am still hesitant, my cloths are still damp from the heavy storms the past year…
All I can say is that I’ve been there for her the whole time, and took the abuse. It’s been hard. I’m hoping things will continue to go well…I pray everyday for this angel I love so much, as well as for all the depressed people in the world.
Lili says
Hi Tom,
Thankyou for sharing your story, its always comforting, yet so tragic to see yet another couple suffering the same fate.
This quote “I am still hesitant, my cloths are still damp from the heavy storms the past year”, this is perfect – I know that feeling all too well.
That feeling of walking on egg shells, not knowing when another ‘episode’ will break out and what mood will the partner be in today. It is like living everyday in fear and uncertainty, not sure which ‘partner’ you are waking up or coming home to.
I too have been hanging onto my relationship by a fragile thread. For the last year and a half my partner have pushed me further and further away to the point he mentioned 3 month ago that he can not consider himself in a relationship anymore! Imagine hearing that after 4 years of loving him, and out of no where he just dropped the bomb on me.
Ofcause at the beginning there were warning signs as he started to isolate himself in his study, his cold and distant demeanor that constrasted to the man that he was before. But he refused to tell my what is really going on even when i asked.
Yet i stayed and things slowly quieted down. But i can never tell what mood will he pick on a daily basis. Last week he had a minor surgery, and i had been the only person who stayed by him day and night, tended to his every need, took on all the works around the house and grocery shopping. All at the same time juggling work and being a full time university student. I am completely drained of all energy and feel like i have added 20 years to my age! I can only hope he can appreciates my unconditional love and improve for the better.
Prayers for both of us and everyone suffering!
Tom says
Ahhh, terrible…. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Sarah says
Ladies,
You can’t fix it for him. End of story. My husband of 7 years and father of my beautiful toddler has suffered from depression as long as I’ve known him. It’s only gotten worse. I had no experience with depression before knowing him. We are married and parents so I’m going to keep fighting the good fight, but if I knew then what I know now… This is going to sound harsh, but don’t marry him and certainly don’t have children with him until he gets help. And I mean real regular on-going sessions with a therapist help. Just like you wouldn’t commit your finances to someone with a ridiculous amount of financial debt, don’t commit yourself emotionally either. You will start to think you’re the problem, mostly because his depression will tell you that on a regular basis. I tried to respectfully express my concern again tonight and he called me vicious and vindictive, which I know I’m not, but when you hear something over and over… It starts to get to you. If he won’t treat his illness, you need to walk away while you still can.
Ghostwoman says
Sarah, I couldn’t agree more with what you posted. For young people considering a marriage with a depressive, I would give the same advise. After a 20 plus year marriage and two children, I can tell you it has been largely a hellish situation. I have wasted years being sucked in and spit out by his depression. We have many great things in common, and have had many wonderful times together,but I never know when the bottom will fall out and he will do something crazy to push me away. It has gotten to the point where I can no longer enjoy the good times because I know what’s coming next. Remember that sign in the Wizard of Oz, “I’d turn back if I were you”? Meanwhile, Sarah, I feel your pain. Hang in there with the good fight because if you can get this manageable you may all get to a better place. I am also thinking about boundaries, though. There are some things that we shouldn’t allow these people to do to us, even though we love them, and even though they are ill.
Ann says
Couldn’t agree more. Thanks for sharing.
Struggling says
Hi,
I’m a 20-year-old woman with a 25-year-old partner. He suffers from depression and is seeking help from his doctor. We’re intending to live together over the summer while I’m home from University, but his depression is making it very, very tough for me. He came home from an event on Monday, and when I went to visit him, he told me that had it not been for a close group of friends there with him, he would have committed suicide. Obviously, while I knew he was on anti-depressants and was taking sleeping tables occasionally, it came as a bit of a bolt from the blue that he believed everything had become so bad in his life that he felt a need to end it. Because it was so unexpected, and I love him dearly, I ended up going into meltdown to some extent, in tears and trying to hold myself together while talking to him about why he felt that way and what had gone on.
What concerned me was the coldness in his voice when he spoke. There was no emotion, no upset, or concern, or anything…just a chill. He was coldly logical, and it upset me that he could be that unfeeling about taking his own life. Over the past few days I have tried to be available as often as possible (while still finishing coursework and essays) and to try and be as gentle with him as I can.
I’m struggling, though. I am unable to be there every hour of every day, and I am currently splitting my time between my familial home and his home, across the city. I have asked him to make sure he buys food and cooks for himself, rather than relying on takeaways, as he always ends up with no money – despite being in a fairly well-paying job, and I had to pay for food for him out of my rather meagre funds last month – I am currently looking for part-time work, and yet I know he hasn’t done so so far this month and I worry on his budgeting this month too. I don’t have the money available to bail him out again. He has had 2 months on sick leave from work and is contemplating taking more time off, which he has said would leave him almost certainly jobless. This would mean he would have no money to pay rent or bills, and his sick record would make it very difficult for him to find work elsewhere. I have told him I’ll support him with whatever he decides, but we both know the risks/probabilities. I am certain this is not helping his depression.
I try to offer him thing to do or chances to meet, and he always seems keen, but ten minutes later will change his mind, and then maybe again, and again. I don’t want to yell or shout but I can’t change my plans as quickly and I don’t want to make decisions for him as we are both strong-willed and I don’t want him to think I’m ignoring his opinion or views.
He buries anything that worries him away, which doesn’t necessarily make the worry lesser or the issues smaller – it just pushes them away for a few more days (and they sometimes come back bigger.) I have no control over his finances, I have no contact with his doctor, I know he’s seen a counsellor but I think their sessions ended a month or so ago. I can’t physically take some of this strain off him, and nor do I think I could mentally manage it. I’m just about holding myself together, having been signed off from University three months ago due to stress, and while I want to support and I am trying to support him as much as I can…I am really, truly struggling.
I love my partner to pieces, but recently the emotional strain has begun to become too much. I need advice, and I need it fast. Please help?
Struggling.
nora says
Hi,
does your partner have any family or friends that perhaps you are able to contact? What about your family? Have you told them about the situation?
I am worried about your well – being. It sounds as though you are in a tough situation. Do you know what triggered his depression?
Your partner obviously needs further help, but you cannot do it all. Is there any way you can spread the load of responsibility for him. Have you spoken to your advisor of studies or the Samaritans? Whatever happens you must take time to look after yourself. As you pointed out you cannot be there every minute of the day anyway and also you cannot be held responsible for your partners actions, you can only provide him with support. If you do not look after yourself you will be unable to support him.
Speak to as many people as possible. Helplines, study advisers, friends, family. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
I also have a partner with depression. It is extremely difficult and draining to deal with him and I also know how easy it is to turn into yourself so please do not do this.
Take care friend.
Anie says
Hi,
I’m not sure what to say, my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years and are due to be married in less then 3 months now.
Out of the blue he started to act really strange then had a co fess ion if guilt about way hong porn which I really didn’t care about it was the fact he kept it from me.
The confession turnt to self loathing of not being the person he wanted thought he should be. He has guilt about all the things he should have been doing, wedding stuff, looking for a more for filling job, actually talking to me. He started having panic and anxiety attacks as well as compleat lay irrational thoughts and fears which were beginning to scare me a bit so he kind of stopped telling me but now just seems deeply depressed!
The weird Thing about all thus is our relationship seems to be the best it’s ever been when he’s thinking straight, the depth of love has intensified somehow which only make the crushing lows even lower!
He promises me he had no idea where all this has come from and he wants nothing more then to marry me in 10 weeks but he is so down I’m terrified he’s going to pull the plug on the wedding!
I don’t know what to do?! We have 2 small children and he really is an amazing dad and an amazing man I love him so much but I feel so angry that I’m struggling to be the person I need to be in this situation!
I’m so tired! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t think I just feel consumed by him and how he’s feeling! So I switch off and focus on me and the kids and its great then I get the guilt all over again!
I just feel so lost and scared, it’s all only happened over the last 3 weeks I’m usually such a strong person but I can see myself falling apart especially when I’m close to him!
He has agreed to seek council g which he started last week and is getting back into exercise and seeing his friends, which is what he is doing now. Ordinarily I would never worry but now I haven’t heard from him and I’m going out of my mind!
I know it’s only been 3 weeks and I’m being so impatient but I just want my life back or to know what to do at least?!
Lili says
Hi Anie,
When you say you haven’t heard from him is it because you two do not live together? Im sorry Anie but it sounds like your fiance probably carried depression for awhile and finally broke down during the confession. It’s just the mentioning of the use of pornography also, alot of depressed men use porn as a way to distract themselves from reality. I know that my partner did, and when i confronted him, he broke down and cried, apologized and begged for forgiveness. Telling me that he’s not himself and would never do this to hurt me again. Everything just flooded out, sobbed in my arms like a child.
Unfortunately for me, my partner is still deep in depression, and till now, he have yet to have professional medical help of any sort. It got to a point where last week and this week, he was talking of the pressure he’s feeling from our relationship, and the fact im doing so much for him with him unable to return that love back give him so much anxiety, pressure and sadness. After a week of begging, i was able to have him hang on to the relationship, and he finally told me he’s going to seek help from a doctor first. So for me, our fight, have just started.
I do recommend you talk to your fiance again, just to follow up on his progress. It also sound like to me he’s quite sensitive and talking seem to put him on the edge, so maybe also engage in his activities like taking walks together and going for a jog together even. That way you can observe how he’s coping and watch how he respond to you being around him, without him feeling pushed or questioned. Keep in touch dear, you are not alone in this fight and i wish you two all the best!.
jack says
one can defeat depression by controlling how we think…
Mardi says
lol, you obviously dont have or havent had depression.
MM says
“Mardi” : perhaps this person doesn’t understand depression but the fact that they are here trying to sort it out because their mate is going through it is commendable. I wonder what misconceptions you had about depression before it hit you…
MM
Briana says
Hello, i’m 19 and my boyfriend is 22..and it is quiet hard to deal with his depression. This just occurred 2 Weeks ago and he actually admitted that he was depressed 2 days ago. I am at a loss right now. I feel, hurt, and a little depressed myself. I’m trying my best to cheer him up but nothing seems to work!! I just wish things were back to the way they were when he was happy. Somebody HELP!! I feel like i’m going crazy . PS: this is a long distance relationship
rubyredshoes says
I’m so glad I have stumbled across thus blog , whilst looking for answers & techniques for dealing with & perfecting myself from my boyfriends depression. I won’t go into details suffice to say its got pretty bad. he’s given up work , he barely goes out , sometimes doesn’t sat for days . We live in different cities & I work full time & have children from a previous relationship, so it’s hard to be with him as much as I’d like, he cannot really stay with me because he finds engaging with my kids a strain right now & because to be honest his behaviour & manner is constantly fluctuating between being withdrawn & bleak & angry / self destructive , he talks of being in constant pain & ending it . he has cuts and red marks in his hands & arms & I suspect self abuse , but the one time I tentatively broached it he became very defensive & enraged.. I am walking in eggshells. he scares me at times.. he’s never hurt me physically , but he looks so dead behind the eyes & can be so verbally unkind that I worry sometimes that he might . it is escalating . he admits he is unwell , but refuses to get help . he had a bad experience with a ‘ counsellor’ previously and was on anti depressants once that made him feel numb & totally spaced, as well as queasy all the time. I managed to persuade him to ring up a therapy centre & was so proud that he did , but they weren’t great on the phone & made him feel stupid & now he’s awaiting an assessment, but is rapidly back pedalling . it’s git TK the point now that he’s claiming its all me , all in my head . I’m trying to control & emasculate him …. he really needs help , he says he’s in constant physical & emotional pain ( he gets lumps in his sdms and kegs, crippling stabbing headaches, panic attacks, but he’s deep , deep in denial…. what can I do ?
Jane says
Hi everyone.
I’ve been with my partner for two years.., we have all the qualities between each other that people would dream of… Our relationship works well, however there is a massive mountain we just can’t climb….,
My partner has depression. He will occasionally lock himself away in his house for a few day or a week and totally cut off the world…. He won’t answer the door, phone or respond to anything or anyone… It’s so alarming and it hurts so bad to see someone you love hurt themselves. When he goes missing like this I become a mess… I cry and then I feel low!! I don’t want him to hurt himself! I love him! But no matter what I do it’s not enough to heal him….
He disappears at crucial times or times when I’m on need and it makes me squirm with fret and fear… I lost my grandma and days later he disappeared… We booked a vacation and he went missing for a week, then turned up 48 hours before the flight, we was due to move in together and I had a job near his town… He went missing and I lost the job as I had nowhere to stay as he wouldn’t come round to let me in.. I had to return to my home town 200 miles away…. There is so many more occasions that have been ruined weddings, trips, you name it….
He is a beautiful striking man and has lovely qualities…. But what he does taunts me.. Sometime when I forgive him I find it hard to forget what he does and I throw it in his face… I’m insecure, down and I don’t feel wanted by him when he does this. How can he want me if he leaves me so often? Or he won’t stop the hurt. I feel like I’m the one with the problem but I know I’m not…. In two years he has left me 14 times. The first thing you think is- this guys cheating… But he is a physical mess? Unshaven and not groomed after these episodes and then all of a sudden he bounces back to normality….
I love him dearly and I want him to get well but I just don’t know how to help him or help myself….. He is my world and I will do anything to make him happy and well!!
I’m terrified I’m going to find him dead!! I’m 26… He is 20 years older…. He has kids who are grown ups now and he cuts them out occasionally but not like me….
We could be so happy and so perfect only for this depression barrier.
How can I save my relationship and save him.
Admire you all on here!!!
Love and thoughts to you all!!
Stephanie young says
I need help please I don’t know what to do my husband has been realy depressed for a very long time it got so bad that he had a affair with another woman he is so mean to me.. Before we got together he lost 3 of his children and he is always upset about it . We have 4 children together and he treats them bad to.. I realy don’t know wht to do anymore I am starting to feel depressed from all this please help me
anon says
Maybe I am naive, and I do not fully understand the situation. At first read, this sounds alarming, and I am sorry for your situation. It sounds more like emotional abuse than it is depression affecting a family. The poor treatment and infidelity should be not be results/excuse from depression.
Darrius Woods says
I’m glad I found this website, so now I can release my frustration. My wife and I have been marries for almost 2 tears now, and I love her dearly. Recently my wife have had symptoms of depression and its effecting our family. Its unhealthy for me and our kids, it has been taking its toll on me. I’m thankful
For this blog some great information
NerdyBoyfriend says
Hi.
At the moment I am in a living-together situation where my girl (possibly future-wife) is in a constant and periodic fallout mode where she practically loses all hint of trust , self-esteem , and well-being altogether.
We recently lived through what both of us would describe as a “dream vacation” spending a lot of time together seeing our favorite bands live and just livin’ it up.
As someone that submerged himself into depression and self-doubt during his teen years and got back on his feet in his adulthood by basically “feeling like a kid, but with the knowledge of an adult”, I can identify myself with those feelings of insecurity , self-doubt and low self esteem. Man, I even decide to laugh in the face of rampant jealousy because I know that in the years I’ve spent with this girl, I’ve never … EVER … done anything wrong, besides, it’s the depression talking when that happens.
What I don’t know, (and what I’ve come here to ask) is, How can I make her want to help herself? How can I motivate someone that basically does not seem to have it in her to take care of her well-being ?
Is she a lost cause? Should I just move on with life?
Oh, and does marihuana consumption affect at all? Because she seems to be really into it. I have nothing against it, but I just wonder if it does more harm than good.
Thanks in advance.
Sally says
Hi, Thanku for this article it is one of many I an finding useful atm. I kno my partner is suffering depression he was diagnosed after I left him. I left with my five children and fleed to a woman’s refuge three and a half months ago, our only child together was four months old. Within the last month we Hav bin trying to sort things out, because I felt bad because of the depression and decided to giv it another go after educating myself. It has been sooo draining and scary, I feel I’m abandoning him when he needs us desperately now, he threatened suicide about two weeks ago, he constantly accuses me of cheating, he just finds something to b negative and terribly emotionally abusive at me, even when I’m attending church with my five children he accuses me of being with someone and the people who my children and I travel to church with. He calls me every name under the sun, threatens to run his car thru the refuge where we are staying. I am scared and can’t take anymore, I try to talk positive to him but he talks n yells worse at me. I fleed because the last straw for me was after a verbal argument between he n i, he pulled three of my children out of bed at 11pm at night and locked them out on the verandah, they begged and cried to go back in and he swore at them and told them not to ask again. After three mths I thort things would change, but his still set that I am a s$&@. I feel I need to continue to protect my children and let him sort himself out, I feel like I’m gona lose it if I continue in this cycle. Please giv me helpful advice !!!!!
ivyj says
My husband is diagnosed with OCD and depression and currently seeing therapist. I think I have tried my best to support him while he is fighting against the nasty conditions. However, his mood swings start to affect me, my way of looking at people, society and world as a whole, getting more and more negative. And I start avoiding people as well, feeling low all the time and cry for no reason when I’m all by myself…He has started drinking liquor too, but I’m not sure if it is to the point of abusing alcohol. My concern is the family history, his uncle is an alcoholic… I also found out that he has been cutting his arms…That hurts me so much. He is a phd student and is at the final stage of writing his dissertation. I think that’s the primary souce for his stress. He doesn’t have a hard schedule, so if he doesn’t go to library he is home alone…and I worry that he would hurt himself seriously one day…I work full time so I cannot watch him all the time…I don’t know who to talk to. I cannot talk to his parents because I don’t think it will help other than making them worry. I feel so tired physically and emotionally…I want this to be over…
Gaia says
Good thoughts for us all. I have been dealing with a depressed spouse for two plus years. There was a divorce, so there was already tenderness where children and their issues were concerned, which is normal, I know. Then, the financial troubles hit, coupled by career changes. Then the death of a sibling with which the relationship was complicated.
The sad thing is my spouse has lost the ability to see all that is good. Life has become a constant fixation on what could go wrong. We are not careless with our finances or reckless in our behaviors, so if anything does go wrong it will not be because we were courting disaster. Every action or decision that is made is scrutinized endlessly.
Then there is the guilt that is massive. THe thinking which at times is emotional and childish. The other day, there was a massive bout of guilt and berating for not being able to physically attend a meeting for a prospective school for his child. The plan was to conference as the meeting was 12 hours away, and occurring mid work week at a critical point in a business transaction. The school called and said that they could not conference the call for some reason. So, I said, well make your own appointment to go and visit with your child when work quiets a bit, or use your child’s phone to conference. All this was met with was, but I’m a terrible parent. I am a negligent parent. No basis in reality, but that’s what something like this does to my spouse’s head.
Sex life has been gutted. Although, I am told once a week is better than most. I feel guilty for desiring more, but I do.
I try to remain patient, talk it out, support, but it does not get better. Then after you’ve spent all this time putting someone else back together, there’s no one to take care of you. I feel mentally and physically exhausted. I so want to help, but I am running out of energy.
Mum2Matahari says
I feel your pain, frustration and exhaustion.
I don’t have solutions for you because i too feel EXACTLY the same as you and have no idea where to seek help.
I live in a country where I can’t seem to find a support group dedicated to spouses with depresion.
I feel that I am walking on an egg shell – cold home.
We have a kid who is 4 years old and i really hope that he will not witness this and affect him in the future – just the same way it has happend to my husband and his parents.
I realise that my husband must have got depression for a long time but has managed to control things when ‘things are good ‘ but often they are ‘half empty cups’ events rather than ‘half full’.
Any reason for celebration is doomed – doesn’t see that life in itself is worth celebrating – nothing major but a ‘thank full’ celebration would be enough for me.
I wish to have some kind of connection with someone outthere who can help me with gaining my energy for the sake of my family and my own emotional well being….
tom says
Everyone, I am praying for all of us. Finally my got my wife to go to a therapist, and just after our first meeting, it’s seemed to help. Some weight has been off my chest. I’ve been fighting this dark entity called depression within my wife for the past year. It’s that whom I am dealing with, not her. It saddens me because she doesn’t realize how bad it hurts.
Stay strong!
Tom two says
Trying to get my wonderful wife and mother of my two boys to get help but how do you tell them they are destroying everything when they can’t see it themselves
Bonnie says
Dear all
If u have or are suffering from a partner with depression I would like to hear from you. For the past two years I have been married to a man with a lot of problems. We have been married and together for 19 years and have two children. His behaviour has crushed me and he swings from total devotion to extreme indifference and cruelty. I am looking for a group to gain support that hopefully I am not the only one caring for man that gives me nothing in return.
Look forward to hearing from you.
K says
Hi Bonnie, I’m sorry to hear your story. I would advise you to post on the General Discussion forum on the Depression Fallout site. There are so many people on there going through the same thing (unfortunately) who will be able to give a lot of support.
Best wishes,
K
Gaia says
Hi Bonnie,
I am sorry for your struggles. I know your pain. You get these brief bursts where there is some joy and happiness only to have then vanish suddenly. I keep waiting for someone to come and say “this is too much for her (me) she needs a rest.” I am just so desperate to take my eyes off of the road for a moment. The constant watching and worrying. It feels almost the way an abused spouse feels… Never knowing what will come through the door, how quickly you need to shoo the kids away… Love is not easy! Fingers crossed for us all!
Debs says
My husband has been getting steadily worse with depression over the last few years but even now he is having trouble accepting it. I was in the early stage if pregnancy last year when he started an affair. I suspected something was going in and got really stressed. My blood pressure was high for the first time and I found out at 16 weeks 4 days that I had had a missed miscarriage. When my husband came to the hospital, he sat as far away from me as possible. When I went in the next day, he strode ahead of me leaving me to carry my bag. His whole attitude was cold. At the time I needed him most, he wasn’t there for me and I ended up grieving for my child and my husband. 5 months later I finally found the proof that he’d been seeing someone else and confronted him. I told him I didn’t want to live in a loveless marriage but twice he came back saying he wanted to try to get back on track. Yesterday we went for marriage guidance counselling. Almost the entire session was taken up by the counsellor telling him how hard it was for him cos he felt he had the entire financial burden and had to work 60 hours a week. He didn’t have to. It was his choice and nothing I said made any difference. He had just escalated things out of all proportion. She said he was showing signs of depression and suggested he speak to his GP about anti depressants. He then had a major rant and cried saying he felt no-one gave a stuff about him. How he wanted us to sell everything and live in a caravan. How he was earning good money but couldn’t buy what he wanted. Every time I tried to comment he shut me down. All the time the counsellor was sympathising. I wanted to shout at him that EVERYTHING was about him! I’d been walking on egg shells for years. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I had always tried to bring extra money in with work but had to juggle it with childcare. I didn’t want to live in the caravan because I knew he wouldn’t be able to control his rages when the kids were noisy. I am working part time now and we do have money left over but he keeps spending it on unnecessary things that he justifies by saying he needs something for himself cos he never gets anything. I never get anything. He resents any money that I spend on the kids and fritters away money on things we don’t need. We came out of there and he starts acting as if nothing happened. I just felt furious. It’s almost like he now thinks he was justified in treating me so badly. Where on earth do I go from here?
Mimi says
Leave him. He’s destroying your life. Depression is not an excuse for how he is treating you. If you are afraid of his “rages” that’s a relationship you need to get out of. You should never be with a partner you’re afraid of. That’s a terrible way to live.
Debs says
I’m not worried for myself. He’s never physically hurt me. I just don’t want him shouting at the kids. I feel like I need to give him opportunity to sort himself out before I close the door for good. So difficult though when he says he wants to try to get back to how we once were and then he says he feels nothing for me. Just don’t know what to believe any more. Family life has been much better recently but I can’t stay in a loveless marriage.
robin says
If i was in your shoes….. i would sit back n take a good look at ur whole relatioship n write down the good points n than bad ones…i would than see the reality of my marriages future…i would also try n focus on my children n how i want them to learn how a relationship works….if they r seeing u two always fighting if they know ur always hurting than what example are u truley setting…. i also feel u should never allow someone to belittle you n make u feel all their wrongful actions were because of u ….. ur husband cheated he cheated on u when u were carring his child i say go back to the therapist n take a stand n let him have it tell him how u truley feel n dont give him a moment to interrupt u n when ur done walk out with ur head held high n a new life which u n ur children deserve god bless u n sorry for ur loss
Carolyn says
This article makes it sound like the depressed person a virus. It consoles the partner but paints the “depressed person” as poorly behaved child that should have no cause for complaint with the perfect partner. Throwing labels around so lightly only gives people reasons to blame their partner and not take any responsibility themselves. When you are labeled the “depressed partner” you now become the scapegoat for any legitimate issues in the relationship. Why don’t we just get rid of these stupid, useless, offensive labels and look at the person as a whole and not “diseased”
What causes depression says
Thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities.This is a good reminder to me that others don’t make me depressed.
Eva says
Hi
I’ve been with my husband 4,5 years married 1,5 years . He started becoming distant from me when I had my son lady year before that we had few episodes of fighting but always made up and it was fine. Now I’m sure he is depressed it’s all money and stress at work which I understand and tried to support him but he’s not taking it any more . He blames me for everything doesn’t sleep well started avoiding work , doesn’t spend time with his son . He has 3 kids from previous relationship much older two of them are over 18 one under 18. They were slaways demanding a lot of money which was sort of bareable at the beginning but now got us into serious trouble. He finally said something and stopped paying main tench for the oldest one which he should have stopped year ago. But it’s too late in terms of debt that we have now. We could start slowly changing things to be back on track but wherever I try to save he spends a lot on drinking beacause he doesn’t want to wait few years until I will be ae to go back to work I’m much younger and doing my degree to have a decent job and if I would start working now I would not be able to pay the nursery bills even so I’m stuck at home taking all this abuse now. And starting feeli g depressed myself . I try to be positive not blame him or talk back when he does . But it’s very hard. I’ m afraid he may do so etching stupid and I want to take my son and go either to my mum or mother -in-law because I don’t want him witness what’s going on in our house. I don’t know what to do anymore . I feel guilty now that I wanted to have family when he wasn’t sure cause he had kids already now I’m paying for this really bad … I love him so much we were so happy why won’t he talk to me and try to sort things out? He promised few times that he would change but its all the same every month around pay day … The lack of money and his other kids blaming him for not seeing them often and not sending enough money when they should work already .. Please someone give me some advice I can’t take it anymore … He doesn’t want any help or talk to anyone says he doesn’t have friends and the kids are bothering him and I said we are here for him and he ignores that … It’s a vicious circle… Help
T says
This is a great article, I have been married for four years and am dealing with a nightmare….my wife, was the sweetest and most patient person you could ever know. No it’s the opposite. I just feel like she hates me for who I am and what I do. Fortunately I’ve dealt with my own depression in the past so it’s not a total mess. Reading this article has made me realize I need to protect myself. I care and love her so much, and it’s like a knife stabbing my heart when I get the ‘cold’ shoulder/vibes. She won’t even let me hug her. Asking how her day was is as if I insulted her. She cancelled therapy, no I asked for her to seek anti-depressants from her primary doctor, at the last resort. Divorce has crossed my mind….this has been going on for the past 8-10 months or so.
🙁
Lou says
Thank you for this, just when I needed it.
I fell in love with a really lovely warm, funny, affectionate loving man, and gave up my life as I knew it to be with him.
I came with baggage which I had to deal with, but forgot that he was having to deal with me dealing with it. He already had a lot going on in his life with a difficult former partner a headstrong 11 year-old daughter, & a busy stressful job (we work for the same organisation).
Last Christmas he thought I was finishing with him after all I’d put him through, but it was a huge miscommunication, and that’s where it started.
We sorted things out, but I never truely got him back because from January this year onward I began to lose him to depression.
I didn’t know that’s what it was at first, neither did he. He became distant, closed and cold – the total opposite of the lovely man I met. I dealt with it wrongly because I had no idea it was depression, so I shouted and blamed and took it all very personally. Couldn’t believe he was treating me like this after we’d been through so much to be together!
So the roller-coaster began…..in April he moved 40 miles away to be nearer daughter so we hardly saw each other (I still don’t know where he lives), and we split up several times, he became quite cruel, cold & unemotional. Unrecognisable.
Then he went to doctor’s & was told he had depression. But, refused tablets ans the doc didn’t offer counselling, and he’s never been back. Stalemate.
In June we tried again deciding to start again from the beginning. All was going ok – not amazing, but we were starting to build up the closeness & friendship again very slowly.
Then 3 days ago, it went wrong again. I mentioned I was hurt by something he said, and I’ve been ignored ever since. He won’t talk to me, he won’t reply to any messages, he blanks me at work.
I know it’s not him, I know it’s the depression, and I’m 100% that I’m sticking with him – but how on earth do I do it??
helden says
can I ask you what way this worked out?
Tamara says
Thank you. Your list of 10 things couldn’t have come at a better time. Tonight while chatting to my very much loved partner, I idly began picking up all his newspapers and magazines from the coffee table to store on the shelf beneath, to clean up. His response to me cleaning up was jawdropping, and we’ve been together for 4 years! I was accused of nagging, called names, he roared derogatory comments about me, he slammed a beer down on the counter so hard it sprayed right around the kitchen, (without breaking the glass), he picked the whole coffee table up and slammed it on the floor, he kept saying ‘see what you made me do!’ This was the only thing I raised my voice to, telling him firmly not to blame me for his actions and lack of control. I refuse to let him blame me for his destructive actions. He gathered up a pillow, blanket and change of clothes and drove off. I’ve scrubbed the beer smell out of my kitchen, cleaned up the splintered wood and papers, tinkered on the computer and found this site. And finally dissolved into tears when I read point 10. What you have written sounds like you were in the room tonight. I hope I can put your resources to good use now – if he comes home.
John Folk-Williams says
Hi –
I’m often confused by what counselors say – especially to advise someone to separate without any effort to talk to both partners. It’s important to remember that you are hearing about the counselor’s opinion indirectly (I presume) from your husband, so he may unintentionally be attaching the meaning he wants to hear to the counselor’s words. I obviously don’t know, but I would focus on your husband and ask him to be as clear as he can be with you about his feelings (and he may not be able to be very clear or consistent). The medication would take more than a week to have much impact – and he does sound as lost in depression as I was at one time. He’s ill and confused and what he says and does won’t make much sense. He probably can’t feel much of anything but could read that as a lack of intensity in the relationship – that’s an easier explanation than trying to deal with your own depression. Whatever is happening with him, I think it’s important for you to let him know your support and compassion for him but also the devastating impact his behavior is having on you. Since the depression has been going on for over a year, he (and you) probably won’t find any quick relief from it. Unfortunately, you can’t do the work of recovery for him, and I hope you’ll get all the support you need to get through this difficult time. It would be good if you and he could see a marital counselor together, hopefully someone who has dealt specifically with the effect of depression on relationships.
John
Rose says
Hi Wife of depressed husband and John,
I can understand what you are going through. My husband lost his job and his father past away within a month of each other. His personallity changed. He was angry, upset and irrational. I had no idea of what was happening. I convienced him to go to a therapist. He got a name of someone through our insurance company. After he started seeing the therapist it got worse. He came home of therapy and started blaming me for his depression and said that he didn’t really want to buy the house that we lived in, he didn’t want the kids go to the private school that they went to and he didn’t want my father living with us. He said that his depression and anger was my fault. We had discussed in dept these issues years before and I couldn’t understand why he was bringing them up now. He eventually invited me into his therapy sesssion and the therapist spoke for my husband and told me that he wanted more of my attention and that my father was taking too much attention from him. He stopped seeing this therapist soon after I sat in on the session. When he started to come out of his depression I asked him why he had said such things and he couldn’t explain because he didn’t know why but said that he left therapy each time thinking that the reason he was depressed was because I had too much control. It’s very frustrating when a therapist is not probably trained and the spouse is on the other end dealing with the outcome of her bad advise. A depressed person has a distored view of reality and if a profession is telling him something then it is assumed that this profession is correct. See a new therapist if possible. Unfortunately, my husband’s therapist not only damaged my marriage but my husband refuses to ever see a professional again. His way of dealing with the depression is to try not to rage. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m usually on the receiving end of his rage.
John – it would be nice to hear from your wife and how she delt with her feeling toward you during and after an episode. I find it extrememly difficult to forgive and forget.
Krystie says
I have been Living with My Husband for 4 years he has Depression. Somethings happened to him in his past that caused him to break. He is a Wonderful man. I love him very much and try my best to help him because I know what happen was not his Fault. He is a Amazing man that I would do anything for but sometimes he gets to where he thinks he don’t need his Meds. please help me to find away to reassure him that he has to have his Meds before he can live a normal life. I love him with all my heart and soul and when he don’t take his meds he ends up getting sick and has to leave me to go and get help. It kills me that he has this Illness and I don’t know how to help him…… 🙁
John Folk-Williams says
Hi, Krystie –
It’s always hard to see your partner get careless about treatment and not be able to do much about it. I think the main thing is to keep offering support and love as you’re doing and let him know you’re there to help him in any way he thinks you can. Of course, you can’t make him stay in treatment if he won’t do it. Treatment, though, includes a lot more possibilities than medication. In fact, people often get better with a combination of meds and one of the many forms of psychotherapy. Some types of therapy focus entirely on ending immediate symptoms without going into past history at all. Other types do just the opposite and probe terrible events of the past that may have contributed to the present problems. If he feels that meds aren’t the answer, then you might help him get information about other possibilities.
I wish you both the best — John
Donna-1 says
This is a good reminder to me that others don’t make me depressed; I tend to do things and react in ways that make and keep me depressed. Also is a good reminder that our depression DOES affect others, whether or not they choose to show it or talk about it. I tend to withdraw — that is my first response to depression. How difficult it can be to reach out instead, to make that effort to restore relationships once they are damaged.
Thandi says
TN
Hi everyone,I am so grateful to find this site and now my mind is at ease,because I now know that I am not the only one who is experiencing these difficulties.My bf and I use to be best friends since 2005 and we fell in love in 2008 to 2011,he needed a break due to him being depressed and having financial break down.I new he was depressed but he keep on denying it.We were still in touch and I supported him all the way,we are now back together from October last year,I love him so very much and I don’t want to walk away from him.I want to stand by him through good time and bad times.But he doesn’t see all that,he is so distant,selfish and bourbon. I.I am trying really hard and sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who want this relationship to work and there are times where I have sleepless night thinking about us,I really am highly drained of being the one who is putting an effort I am to close of breaking down and i feel this getting to me I am also depressed.I need HELP!!!!!!!!!