10 Ways to Help Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed

When depression takes over your partner, you’re likely to go through an emotional waterboarding, a torture you have to escape. You may feel overwhelmed, confused, helpless to do anything. You take the brunt of the punishing anger or indifference that is all your partner can give you.

The relationship that means the most to you feels like it’s breaking fast. What can you do to keep yourself together?

There are thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities.

The members of one of the oldest of the online forums, Depression Fallout, report over and over again that the support of such groups has been a mainstay for dealing with their depressed partners. Communities like these might be a good starting point for you as well.

Here are 10 ideas drawn from the experience of people who have had to live with depressed partners as well as from my own experience as a depressed partner.

  1. Take care of yourself as well as you can. When depression strikes and you find yourself living with a distant stranger, it’s only natural to focus first on your partner. You’re likely shocked and confused and want to bring back the familiar loving person you know. But it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and gradually undermine the health and inner balance you need to get through the crisis. The obstacles are huge since your partner is right there and depression is now part of your life. It’s important to keep your own life going, get out of the hothouse as often as you can and spend time on the things that most help you relax.

  2. Get help. There’s so much stress in living with depression that you should reach out for support. Perhaps you have caring friends you trust enough to confide in, or can find a support group, online communities, perhaps individual counseling, . That’s the critical first step. And keep on getting their help. You need regular support because the injury doesn’t stop until depression does.

  3. It’s not your fault. Depression is the cause of the problem, not you. Nothing you’ve done could have brought on the ugly transformation of your partner – whatever accusations they might throw at you. Nor is it possible for you to fix the illness. Depression is complicated, not fully understood, and has multiple causes. No one really knows how to cure it. You may be able to help your partner get the right kind of help, but they need to commit to the work of recovery and stay with it.

  4. Learn about depression and how pervasive an impact it can have. That will prepare you to recognize the many ways it can distort your partner’s behavior. You should realize, though, that what you’re learning is just a small part of an evolving field of research. It’s easy to jump to conclusions about exactly what’s wrong and what can be done about it. Consulting a mental health professional is a good way to get further insight into your partner’s illness.

  5. Offer love and support without trying to be directive. Suggest it might be helpful – but pushing it, demanding that he get help in certain ways or learn what you’ve been learning won’t work. Tell him you’re trying to figure out what all the changes in the relationship have been about – and will be there to help as much as you can.

  6. Depression can control you both. Be aware of the danger that you can easily be drawn into the same vortex that’s spinning your partner around. Anne Sheffield describes it as Depression Fallout. Michael Yapko writes that Depression Is Contagious. It’s common to develop your own illness as a result of living with a depressed person. That’s why it’s so important to get all the help you can and to watch your emotional and physical state.

  7. Break the Cycle. One way to keep from being dependent on your partner’s moods is to look closely at your reactions to each of them. What are the worst, most painful moments for you – the ones that trigger your most intense feelings? What does your partner do to set you off? What is the feeling that wells up in you – anger, fear, hopelessness? And what do you do in response – meet attack for attack, hold your feelings in, leave? How do you feel about your own reactions afterward? It can help to track these reactions on paper at first to help you recognize the triggering events. That tactic could make it easier to interrupt your usual reaction, restore a sense of emotional independence and break the cycle that’s hurting you in so many ways.

  8. Be tolerant of yourself. You probably can’t stop the emotional rollercoaster all at once or persuade your partner to get help or take perfect care of yourself. Expecting too much too soon can only lead to more frustration and reduced self-esteem. You already have enough of those to deal with.

  9. You Can’t Go Back. Try to remember that the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.

  10. They’re responsible for getting help. (edited 12/20/2013) Depression may be the underlying problem, but that fact doesn’t take away responsibility for destructive behavior. This is a difficult subject to talk about, and I do so from the perspective of someone who inflicted pain on his family during bouts of depression. When feeling better, I might well say something like: it was depression driving me to say and do those things. It’s not about you – don’t take it personally. But of course it’s personal. I was constantly leaving my wife and kids out of my awareness and often spoke and acted abusively. The anger, attacks, threats to leave and emotional withdrawal are as personal as it gets in a relationship. It’s especially important, then, to set boundaries. Depressed partners have to know when you can’t take anymore, or they cross a line that can’t be crossed. Remind them about what’s at stake and what you are really feeling. A depressed person is ill, yes, and probably wouldn’t choose to act hurtfully when well, so simple blaming is not appropriate. But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me, and it was a powerful wake-up call that got me back into treatment after a long period of denying the problem, despite my long history of depression.

729 Responses to “10 Ways to Help Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed”

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  1. Charles says:


    my girlfriend is cold with me and makes me feel horrible when i try to hug or kiss her by pulling away or being snappy with me when she is depressed. We have been together just under 1 year and her most recent bout of depression has been the toughest for me to cope with. Can anyone help me and give some advice on how they deal with the rejection?


    • Anonymous says:


      • Raz Sey says:

        Unfortunately I hate to be a debbie downer , but, if she’s in treatment, critical she stays in. If not, the person u fell in love with likely will return only infrequently. Unless u get help from groups or friends , u can fall in same rabbit hole. Everybody is broken in some way, question is , can you deal with it on long term basis. Just noticed the date , hopefully things are improved.

  2. Francis says:

    I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 months now, the first 2 months were great but the last month has been difficult. My girlfriend lost her best friend at the beginning of January like her best friend ended the relationship and since then she’s been getting more distant , she dosent talk to me that much we see each other maybe once every two weeks. She also started working over nights and feels very tired when she dose have a day off and dosent want to hangout a lot of the time. I try my best to let her know that I care about her and that I’m here for her. But it dose hurt that I feel I’m being pushed away from her.

  3. Allyssa says:

    Hi everyone, so i’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and pretty much the entire of our relationship he has suffered depression. First 2 months were like a fairy tale best time ever. Then things started rocketing downward. I knew he was going through a lot from his past life (Ex wife, daughter) I tried to just be there and listen when he wanted to talk. He would go a week or sometimes even two being great but then BOOM! back to depressed.
    I have done everything from trying to help him, give him space and just listen but this past year it is much worst. He now goes days without calling me and when we do talk he is cold and distant with me. I really needed him this year specially with this pandemic i need to have him around so i too would not feel so alone. My two youngest kids, 3 grandkids and myself all decided to move in together because we were all alone, this did not impress him he got so angry said i ruined the only chance of us having peace quite away from everyone., he lives with him mom (she is 67 and not from Canada). I tried to explain to him that i felt alone all he said was i was not thinking of us. I am honestly at a loss i feel heart broken and yes i know how depression works but i too am suffering and feel like i am not good enough for him only when he wants me. How long am i suppose to allow this continue, i have really tried to be supportive but when it starts effect the supporter what do we do at this point? The past 3 days he has not called or text me so i am giving him space once again, i do send him texts to say i am here when he wants to talk but honestly maybe i am selfish but i am getting tired of this sort of relationship.
    In 3 years i can honestly say maybe 5 months total were ok or good. This past year was terrible from the start of the pandemic right up to today. Please if anyone has advise let me know because i am at a loss and dont know what to do with myself or this relationship. 🙁

    • Allyssa says:

      Also note he does take anti-depressants but has yet to speak with a therapist although i have tried to encourage him many times.

      • Margie Askins says:


      • Margie says:

        I still say run. I lost twelve years on trying to help him. Being loyal. Found out he was lying to me as well snd I would’ve never imagine that. ..,it’s a selfish disease. They can’t give you what you need even if they want to.

  4. Charles says:

    I have been dealing with a depressed spouse for over 4 years. We have 2 kids together, and she used to be the most loving caring person. After our 2nd child, she suffered through post partum, and her therapist/psychologist said she had symptoms of PTSD, which is not hard to see as in 2016 after our 2nd child was born, she found out of an illegitimate half sister, as well having 2 dogs we loved die, and she took the election of Trump very hard, on top of the post partum. She has blamed her depression on me, and after recently recanting those feelings, she now blames her PTSD on me. She has had zero treatment in 3 years, and is on no medication. We are currently separated,, and this is the 3rd time in the last 4 years that we have separated, and it always happens at the beginning of the year. I have reached my breaking point, as I don’t want the marriage to end, but she refuses to get help, and has recently gotten into religion, stating that she feels much better now, but there is zero change in how she treats me. I tried to get us both into counseling when she told me she was feeling depressed, but it turned into her going, and her therapist seemed to be more of a friend than a helper, as I felt when I was finally allowed to go, it was an attack session on me, instead of helping us. Shortly after seeing her therapist, she told me she felt like she was going to go through a deep depression, and said it would be best if I left her. Im not the kind of person that would leave someone I cared about, especially my wife, and I have stuck it out through the abuse (being called stupid, fat, disgusting, etc), as well as her mocking my health issues, and her being condescending with simple answers and seemingly being addicted to her tablet/phone. There were some things about my business that I didn’t tell her, for fear of pushing her over the edge, as she told me she had some suicidal thoughts, but I have been faithful through it all. I want to keep my family together, but I feel like she is too far gone for the relationship to be saved, as even before she was depressed, she was never one to freely admit being wrong (which is something I accepted, because I loved her), and with the depression, she rarely admits to being wrong about anything, and there is no change in her attitude when she does. I’m lost, and my vision for my life with my wife and kids has been destroyed. Im not sure where to turn next.

    • Allyssa says:

      Hi Charles,
      I can relate i am in a similar situation, i have been with my depressed boyfriend for three years now and this is not how i pictured my life to be. I am 52 and just want a calm happy peaceful life however long that will be. I have tried to be supportive but when do we say its enough, when can we take control of our lives again?
      They say it is up to the depressed person to get the help they need so do we leave and hope they will and not fall down the rabbit hole further after which we will feel guilty?
      I hope things work out for you and your wife, its tough when kids are involved, best of luck to you all.

      • Charles says:

        Hi Allyssa,

        Thanks for commenting. I’d you are the person who posted above me, it sounds like we are in similar situations. I think you know when its time to leave. I was ready to leave before our most recent separation, and I think it is due to her lack of follow through (saying she will change and go to counseling for 3+ years and it not happening). I feel for my kids, but I’ve done all I can. I feel like its in her hands. Do you feel like you’ve done all you can do?

        • Margie says:

          I got the empty promises cycle for 12 years. He never did shit. He did some therapy. Played with some medication inconsistently. Made promises of progress and a new us.

          None of it happened. I don’t know how I lost so much time believing in him and thinking in the end, it would be worth it. I’m telling you now, it’s not. I’m exhausted. I wish I had left him long ago. My needs were never met. It’s time for me to be selfish.

  5. Sarah says:

    My spouse has been going through a bout of depression for some time now. Starting around last February when his doctor cut off the pain meds he had become addicted to. He hasn’t worked in a year, and he does nothing but sit on the couch and watch tv. He’s bad. He’s not civil to me or my lids. He either yells or acts like we’re inviaible. He’s not grooming himself and he won’t help with anything around the house. From time to time when I tell him I can’t take any more, he’ll call his primary care physician and ask for a different drug but he really doesn’t seem to make any effort. I don’t know what to do but I am starting to hate him and my kids don’t deserve to live this way. Help!

  6. Letitia says:

    Hey, I am suffering with a boyfriend who is depressed. I notice it said in the article that there are online forums to connect with others in a similar situation. Does anybody know of any that I could look at? I always thought Id be okay but I find myself crying for hours most days and just feeling incredibly scared anxious and alone. I really need some support and dont want to get depressed myself. Any help would be appreciated so much!! Thank you

    • Tracy says:

      Hi Lelitia

      I found depression fallout site helpful, its no longer live as Anne Sheffield is no longer with us, but people still post on there now. Maybe you are looking for something more for interactive in which case you might want to consider getting direct therapy if thats possible. What country are you in?.

  7. Kat says:

    I have never commented on a thread like this, but feel like I’m reachable breaking point. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 16 months now. We don’t live together, but spend about every other night together. Since it’s November and the days are getting shorter, his depression is getting worse. It’s difficult to not take personally sometimes. He says it’s not me, it’s just November. I am generally a positive person, trying to see the silver lining in every situation. But I think his depression is starting to take a toll on me. I am currently battling a bout of shingles, which I can only assume is brought on by emotional stress. I am young (ish) and healthy, so that’s my only conclusion as to why I would have been struck with this disease. My nerves are frazzled. And we still haven’t said “I love you” to each other. I’m afraid to be rejected and pushed away. Maybe he is too? Or is he incapable of loving me. I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a safe place to vent. I appreciate this space to be able to share my burden. Thanks!

    • Anonymous says:

      Hello. The same thing is happening to me. He reads lots of self care books. He also goes to therapy. He recently told me his feelings for me changed and that he was very sorry. I’m deeply in love with him. I don’t know what to do at this point. We are currently living together since the pandemic started . I’m sorry for anyone who is dealing with a depressed partner

      • Kat says:

        I’m sorry that you are dealing with your current situation. It must be tough, especially since you live together! Has he said how his feelings have changed?

  8. Luna says:

    From someone who had been through it, is it worth it?

    I have been with my partner for a little over a year. I love him to pieces and on good days he’s my best friend.

    This entire time he has been struggling with depression. It’s been pretty on/off. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t make any plans with him, for Thanksgiving we were just going to make dinner with my household but he fell into an episode so deep he just stayed in bed all day… he hasn’t met any family since he gets depressed and those plans fall through. I’ve had a friend straight up tell me that she was confused why we are together, since my partner is so quiet and gloomy and I am very bubbly.

    He’s not a gloomy person though! I feel like I’m going crazy. He is my best friend, we share so so many fun memories together and just waking up next to him every day is amazing. It’s so sad to me that no one else gets to see that side of him.

    But the bad days are so much. Anyone who is looking for guidance in this article can relate. I find myself getting just sucked into this pit of bad energy. I don’t mean to sound dramatic it’s just overwhelming and awful. I feel like I have no support since people just judge the relationship based on this and the episodes can last indefinitely.

    We’re both young. Reading these comments makes me nervous. I don’t want to skip to five years from now and still be in the same place. I told him early on due to previous experiences with depression I wouldn’t make myself go through a situation where I am his sole support and he never seeks outside help. So he is working on his depression and he has more tools for getting through it. His moods are still just so volatile and unpredictable and I find it so easy to fall into them. He just feels like an empty shell during those times.

    I’m writing this because his mood has sunk again and I feel confused and lonely. What do I even do???

    • Susie says:

      Hi Luna,

      Firstly – you are not at all alone in this, I am feeling similar.

      I have no great answers but what I just did is go on a nice long walk to clear my head and phoned a good old friend, she talked to me, encouraged me as my ‘failure’ made me worthless, and reminded me of good future plans. Is there are friend you can open up to? Or an older wiser lady? (If not – lets chat)

      I’m sorry that your Thanksgiving did not go to plan. Are you in touch with any of his friends that have helped him before? It’s difficult in this pandemic but maybe they can share & support you when he is in an episode.

      I also get nervous about plans (also with Covid), but for Christmas we are making plans to visit my family, as other relationships are what we need in general but especially when our other halves are ‘absent’. This article has helped me see I shouldn’t be as emotionally dependant on him as I am, that doesn’t mean being absent from him.
      Don’t stop being yourself with him, your friends and family, and honest with them too. I also hope your partner and my husband will invest their good days with our friends like they did with us.

      What helps with my husband on occasions like Thanksgiving is encouraging him to make the plans with his friends and family- this can be good therapy for him and he is less likely to fall as he has some hope. And it is a good time for me joining him as I am less worried about the relationships between him and my family and friends. And looking out for him is shared.

      It is tricky for me as my husband doesn’t get help – when my husband is in an episode I say to myself that I will push him to get help as soon as he is okay. And then he is okay and I don’t as we feel happy & I don’t want to trigger more sadness. – tips on that would help.

      I’m no wiser woman but we are not alone and lets remember the joy that we have had and will have more of. And as you say – waking up next to him is amazing (:


      • Luna says:

        Hi Susie,

        Thank you for such a kind and considerate comment; I never thought I could find such understanding on an article I happened to stumble upon.

        My boyfriend got a little better after Thanksgiving and we ended up having a long conversation about what happened and what to do going forward. He is very dependent on his routine and ability to be productive to handle his depressive thoughts, and the absence of those seemed to kickstart the episode. I unfortunately spent the rest of the visit being paranoid of everything that could trigger it again. He left yesterday (after we both had a negative covid test), and today I feel burnt out and exhausted.

        I’m still wondering if I can handle the next episode, and the one after that, and the one after that. I feel like I have to compromise on a lot of things I expect from a relationship and I sooo badly just want to be childishly angry and blame it on him rather than the illness that comes between us. It feels like it takes SO MUCH of my empathy and understanding to deal with everything it gets overwhelming.

        Unfortunately, none of his friends know the extent of his illness. I think maybe I should push him to open up to his close friends, though, it would certainly at least help him. He’s also very introverted and isn’t inclined to make many plans, either, which probably adds to everything.

        For pushing your husband to get help, what has really worked for my boyfriend and I is delegating some time every week for a relationship talk. It might sound weird, but basically every Sunday we sit down for a bit and create a space to just share any issues or thoughts we have on the relationship. And if it turns out neither of us have anything to bring up, we can still spend that time together. It’s really helped me not hold onto things forever and be able to actually voice issues. I think it’s also really important to advocate to your own happiness. (Obviously much easier to say than do, otherwise we maybe wouldn’t be here.) Current you may be happy when he is okay, but you owe it to both of you to work for the same future, too.

        Take my advice with a grain of salt, though, not sure how much advice I can give when I am so unsure of my own situation ^_^;

        Finally, absolutely okay if you’d rather not, but I really appreciate your offer to chat and am happy to accept – I have a friend I can vent to about this stuff, but I think it’s really hard to convey the nuances of dating someone with depression. 🙁


    • Margie says:

      12 years. It didn’t pay off. And together when it’s good, it’s insanely good. Hard to leave. But I lost my chance at having a family. It wasn’t worth it.

    • Sierra says:

      Hi Luna,

      Oh boy I can relate to this, especially the part about family/friends not understanding why you are even with your partner. My partner has social anxiety and depression. Her moods become very low and she can also have days of being ‘flat’ and feeling no emotions at all. My struggle is that these moods seem to suck the joy out of me as well, and I don’t have the emotional reserves to keep things positive when I am getting nothing back. It’s like throwing energy into a black hole that does nothing but suck it all away…..
      I know what you mean about the person seeming like an empty shell and how frustrating it is when they do not receive outside help. My partner refuses to consider counselling or therapy, insisting that she is too damaged and it would just be a waste of time.

      My advice would be to find those (like us) who can be an outlet for you and who actually understand just how exhausting and difficult it is to have a partner who is deeply depressed. Having someone to talk to can make all the difference, and can provide another perspective that you might find useful. Whether it makes sense to stay and support him or leave, if you feel that you have done all you can.

      I see you posted last year. I really hope that things have improved for you since then.


  9. Laura says:

    To all of you that look after us that are depressed. Thank you. We wouldn’t be able to do it without you.

    I know much of the time we do not show enough how much we appreciate it. As bad as we are without the loved one in our lives we would probably have committed suicide already. Thank you.

    Love is not enough to fix our brains. You don’t believe that love will fix a broken leg do you?

    Reading all your stories makes me feel so sad. The depressed person I am is truly a monster. I found this site trying to find a resource for my husband to read. We have nasty fights and they are all created by me. I literally have a melt down over the silliest things and even though I don’t mean to it comes across as blame. I hate myself so much.

    I would like to explain to you all how it feels like. I’m a completely different person when I finally get the anger and frustration out saying the most horrible things that I truly don’t mean. Its almost like I dissociate from my own mind and loose control. The worst thing is I say it, more like scream it like a rabid dog, then cry, really ugly cry in shame over the things I say. I see this is manipulative and yet it is what I always do. These are the depression fall outs and mine are nuclear in nature. After I feel exhausted but better but my husband is burnt, severely wounded from the onslaught of blame, shame and meanness I hurled at him. It always hurts the sane person the most as they truly hear all the words. To the depressed person its about the feeling. I would love to promise that I wont do it again but I don’t know where it even comes from. He gave me an ultimatum in or out and I realized that years of damage I didn’t have the choice. The only thing I can do is out. I am not fair on him and never was.

    How will I go on. I don’t know but I realized the pressure to need to be ok for someone else sometimes is too much. I almost overthink myself into another gloomy day because I’m so caught up in not being good enough.

    I am not looking for pity, just want to help you all with some perspective so that maybe you don’t get to the point I pushed my husband.

    1. I am responsible for my depression and getting better. I know he did so much to try and ease my burden to make me feel better. At the end of the day it was stuff that he would like me to have done for him. Most of the effort he put in I didn’t appreciate at all and it just depleted both of us. For example he kept buying me hair products as a sort of hint to sort out my hair. It just made me feel more inadequate. All the effort in the world will never be enough if its not aimed in the right place. Its like knowing a map of Chicago off by heart but trying use it to navigate round new york with it. Its pointless as its the wrong map and secondly all the effort is futile with modern technology and resources to help you find your way

    2. I say a lot of nasty stuff. I truly don’t mean it. I usually get to that point when completely mundane things are said. When its things that are said though that show he truly doesn’t understand where I am coming from it makes me so angry. I wouldn’t be angry if I had never tried to explain but I have and he says things that belittle my feelings. This then makes him feel like I am just a bitch and he can do nothing right. I will list a few that set me off ‘you don’t try’ ‘well do you think anyone understands me’ ‘ you haven’t done x y and z’ ‘how do you think I feel’ ‘why are you blaming me’ and many many more. I have come to realize I am a raging bull and there re so many things that are a red cloth to me with an inexhaustible amount of anger. Yes I am a selfish bitch at this stage. Yes I ugly cry and be manipulative. It is ugly and not ok but it still happens. I’m just trying to say please don’t take on the raging bull. You cant reason with that part of depression and nothing you say no matter how. When I am drowning I cannot be reasoned with, coaxed into learning how to swim etc. When you save a drowning person if you don’t have a board for them to hold onto then it is advised you take a stick. If the person is able to be somewhat reasoned with you get them to grab the stick and if not you hit them gently with it until they do. Why because a drowning person will take the person down with them. Please don’t drown with us. Learn how to help and what you can and cannot control about the depressed person you live with.

    3. On the drowning analagy. When someone is depressed it feels like they are drowning. There is always this expectation that they will know to reach out. sometimes not always in the throws of depression I am trying so hard to stay afloat I cant reach out and the cries for help may not come from where they are expected to be from. I know it hurts when a loved one wont share their feelings with you and let you be part of their life. Just know whats going on. Its a strange thing but so many times I thought I had communicated it but I was still just trying to stay a float that communication was not what I thought it was. When depressed I want so many times to not share the pain and the misery. Also sometimes I am so damn sensitive that I am scared that some silly mundane thing will set the bull off inside of me. I am terrified of trying to communicate. It is easier to be alone and in my misery than to have opened myself up to someone and have their words feel like knives in my back wen they are trying to connect or to have the truth that no one cares realized when the person I left myself open to doesn’t check in. I know how illogical it is and how stupid it is but the emotions completely take over. Also many times there is a voice saying no one cares, no one wants to listen, you will be ridiculed, what will so and so think etc. The critical voice inside overrides all the love and support and the worst part is at that time your brain is convinced this is the only truth.

    4. On communication of the feelings. This is a hard one. I have spoken my truth many times and have had on more than one occasion had the person say ‘if you want to talk about that then this conversation is over’ It makes me hesitant to share
    Many a fight has had me screaming you just dont understand. I realize that I don’t want to be understood. I just want someone to listen. To hear that I want to die. It does not mean that you are not good enough and that you have somehow contributed to me feeling this way. I want to say how alone I feel even though you are right there with me holding me while I cry on the bathroom floor. I want to say all the stuff that I know is awful to say. the stuff that comes across as meaning that you are complete waste of oxygen in my universe. It is so hurtful that I can say such awful things to someone that has only given me love and has gone above and beyond, that has followed me into the darkness but unfortunately at that time it is the truth I feel. It is all I feel and it is overwhelming and it sucks that love is not enough to overcome it. Yes it is awful and should I be saying these things to the person closest to me. No I should be paying someone to listen to the dribble. Unfortunately I cannot predict when the gloominess and helplessness will roll in. I can only withdraw and try not let my loved ones into the bleak reality of my mind. Most off what a depressed person says just isn’t true. Telling me that you know what I am saying is not true does not help, If I am convinced that the sky is pink and you keep telling me it is blue will not help. You can make me see it through other ways. When I am miserable and suicidal reasoning and saying my beliefs or feelings at that time are not true will make me withdraw.

    5.me as a depressed person just equals an asshole. And that is who I am at times. At other times I am lovely

    6. You have to have your own life and let the depressed person come and go as needed. This is for true chronic depression. Many people have a single incident and you grow from there. You need to have your own life, own happiness, own friends. The depressed person will want you to live in their gloomy world. If you want to support them set the boundaries that you support them but you also support your needs. AND do not feel guilty about this. When depressed I will hate my husband if he is having fun or miserable here with me as he may as well be having fun. Also I have one less thing to worry about. Him concerned about me is an absolute gut wrenching added weight to my weary depression house I am carrying around.

    7. Mostly it cannot be cured. I was a pharmacist and I had a client walk in for some antidepressants. She was asking me how long it would take before she was better and when she could stop taking them. I got a bit of history that she had suffered on and off for years. I gave her the blunt truth that she would never be cured and finding how to manage and treatment plans may be a lifelong endeavor. She was so unset with me that she never came back. Then I saw her 5 years later and she thanked me for telling her the truth. My own husband somehow thinks one day I will snap out of it. I don’t take medications as it never worked for me and the withdrawal scares me more than my normal depression (I struggle to hold down work so am scared one day I cant afford the medications). On this note make sure you know what your expectations are so you decide how you cope with the depressed asshole. if you are waiting for the rainbow- Don’t. It may happen but don’t kill yourself trying to fix something you just cant. Don’t lose yourself. Chronic depression needs constant treatment. I thought I had it all figured out and suddenly couldnt eat, was sick all the time. Psychosomatic illness after loads of unnecessary tests.

    8.It definitely gets worse as you get older. I think because the hope slowly dies as reality of the lifelong imprisonment sets in. But also changes happen as you get older, friends move on, jobs get competitive, stress of additional family members you need to support then friends get divorced, children become unruly teenagers, kids get married and friends become fewer and finally you get old. Depression hurts enough when you are you so age with changed in hormones, aching bones etc makes it worse. Also it shrinks your brain so I think it actually gets more difficult to fight. Got to get fighting strong. Am I there. Nope unfortunately not.

    9. It is an illness. I know people say they understand that it is an illness but in my opinion I don’t think they truly get it. The brain is sick. That’s it. I have found my husband trying to reason with me. ‘What would you say to me in this position’ when I am so depressed my brain is only seeing darkness. I don’t understand logic and am manipulating everything to keep the depression voices alive. I do not choose this. if I was having an epileptic fit I would not be being asked what to do about it. I’m sure my husband would be calling 911. If it is too much for you to bear, it is too much. Find a way to solve that. The depressed person will have to get better on their own but will not be able to see the solutions from the mindset of depression and anxiety. Have a plan in place. If you do not get out of bed for x number of days you are going to the doctor. If they refuse decide whether you will continue to enable them. I cannot tell you how many times I thought that tomorrow I’m going to wake up and do the housework only to wake the next day feeling even bleaker. At that time I truly believe that I am going to be a better wife. You would not listen to your spouse tell you that their broken leg will heal on its own why do people let the depressed mind of a loved one convince them to go along with the charade day after day. I is difficult to set that line to when you need to get professional help but maybe if there is an ongoing task eg a mood chart and gratitude chart that I have to fill in every day maybe I will see when the depression monster has taken over and that it is no longer a normal bout of just sadness or exhaustion. I don’t have this in place yet as the depression monster has currently won leaving me alone and possibly starting from scratch. I know money can be an issue with depression but there are a few free online tools. If you must be an enabler enable your loved one by being an enforcer. I dont know I am spitballing. I am far from having formed solutions for me and my loved ones.

    Lastly there is usually other stuff going on in the chronic cases. BPD, CPTSD anxiety, personality disorders etc. I don’t want a label or to be told there is additional stuff wrong with me but sometimes realizing the complexity of mental illness is important and I am guilty of living with my single label that I got when I was 17 for years before realizing that there were other aspects of my illness that I hadn’t been facing. Why the professionals are so important.

    • Alex says:

      Thank you for saying this. My girlfriend of many years exhibits much of this behavior, though it’s expressed in withdrawal instead of anger. I really want to find a way to help, but it is hopeless. I think you’re right that the depressed person has to decide to help themself. When I push her too hard to get help, it just makes it worse.
      The only thing I have to add to this conversation is that it’s addictive to help someone (on the rare occasion it works). It’s a great feeling when you finally make someone feel better. But maybe that’s my own problem to deal with.
      Thank you for sharing!!

    • Em says:

      Thank you for taking the time to write this. It’s absolutely the most helpful thing I’ve ever read (as the loved one of a depressed person).

    • Nic says:

      Thank you for this. It has really helped me. Married to a depressed man for 20 years who I adore and want to support better. Best wishes xx

  10. Megan says:

    Reading these have made me feel so much less alone with it. Me and my partner having been trying to date for the last 10 months. We tried dating a couple of years ago but communication just broke down because of his depression When we started dating this year he was ok but within a month he was really bad and just shutting downs and pushing everyone away and suicidal at times. During this time he refused to even see me so all we had was texting. Lockdown came and despite us both working through it he was still pushing away and distant at times. Eventually he started to feel much better and we started to actually go out on dates and generally be happy together. I’m trying to buy a house and he wants to move with me and have his own space as he feels that still living with his mum isn’t helping him. However a lot of the time it was still a struggle to see him as he would get too anxious and cancel just before.

    All of a sudden he has spiralled back to a bad place and everything I say is misunderstood and now when I talk barium the future he just says we’ll see what happens. I’ve always been so supportive and there for him but it’s as if I just don’t exist or am not wanted around. I feel like his punch bag and the one he takes it all out on while everyone else gets the good side of him.

    I love him to pieces and just don’t know what to do anymore. Now that we are in lockdown again it seems to be the perfect excuse for him as to why he can’t see me even for a walk. I just feel totally rejected

  11. Anonymous says:

    You usually hangout at your favorite café with your best friend Nicole. You have gradually noticed that she was not paying much attention as usual when you were talking to her. Lately, she has been self-critical and discouraged as well. Weeks went by and your hangouts with her became rare. On one opportune day with her, you tried to ask what her problem is and encouraged that it will be safe with you but she answered in a low energy voice that everything is fine. Increasingly worried about your best friend, in this circumstance what would you do in order to help her?

  12. MK says:

    My boyfriend has been depressed for about 5 months now. I thought I could handle it and help him. However, nothing seemed to get better, and now I feel overwhelmed. And, honestly, I just feel like I have so much weight on me now and that I’m not taking this the right way. He has a bit of a temper, so he tends to take all his anger out at once, and sometimes it’s kind of on me. But, the things he says such “I hate my life”, “I hate myself” and so on continuously saying so much all at once. I want to help him, but I feel like I make it worse. I’ve tried to be patient, but it’s so much all at once. He’s been suicidal before too. Now, I feel lonely, afraid, and anxious. I don’t know who to talk to, and most of all I feel selfish. I feel like I’m too emotional and when this happens which happens almost everyday, I start crying or feel terrible. It has been affecting my mental health. We don’t live together and can’t see each other a lot because of the virus and our parents. So, it’s much harder through text. I did push him too see a counselor because I realized that I’m not a professional and I can only do so much to help him. I’m afraid sometimes that he might take what I say the wrong way or that my words hurt him more instead of helping him. And just today, he said that he needs a break and wants to be alone which I feel lost about. I think it’s a good thing but at the same time I dont want him to feel alone either. I wish I could be stronger mentally but this affects me alot and impacts everything I do. I did kind of tell him that I was getting overwhelmed, but it was more indircetly said as I feel bad telling him how I feel. He does rely on me emotionally a lot as he doesn’t have many people to talk to. I feel lost and I feel stressed. Sorry, if this is a long post but a lot of people in my life have been suicidal and they come to me as the first person they wanna talk to. It’s overwhelming. I just hope things get better for my boyfriend and that he heals. However, would it be good to check on him once in a while since he wanted to take a break.

    • N says:

      Hi – I don’t know if you’ll get this message but I saw it and it sounded a lot like my situation. My boyfriend has been depressed for the best part of a year, on and off, and it sounds very similar with what’s going on with you. I wanted to share with you a book that I’ve been reading, it’s called – ‘Codependent No More’ by Melodie Beattie. It’s been around for years and honestly some of the feelings within it seem so true to me. It was initially written for the partners of people who were alcoholics, but what I have found is that there are a lot of similarities with being with a person with an addiction, and being with a person with depression. That is, they need to seek out their own help – only they can change – we cannot change them. We will wear ourselves out if we try. Additionally, depressed people often act in ways that are out of character (like a person with an addiction does), and sometimes in quite a self-destructive way. They also might do disappearing acts (like my boyfriend does). Of course, we want to be there to support, but when we get emotionally overwhelmed, we’re unable to do so. And we start to blame ourselves and damage our own self-esteem. This book has offered me some tactics of how to detach myself a little bit from my boyfriend’s moods, and helped me to see that none of this is my fault, but what is my responsibility is how I respond to it all. I am now trying to be supportive, but in some ways, from a distance. The book does have a bit of a religious element to it – and I’m an atheist, but I haven’t found that too detracting from the message that it gives. For the first time in a while, I feel hopeful for my future, whether it’s with my boyfriend (I hope), or without (whatever will be will be.)

    • Annie says:

      This is so sad to read, I’m sorry. I really hope things feel easier for you soon. Talk to your friends and relieve some of this burden of thoughts – its a lot to carry on your own. Take care <3

    • Luna says:

      I really, really relate. Down to being the first person people come to if they are feeling suicidal. I don’t think it’s bad at all to check up on him, even if he doesn’t give much of a reply. Much like this post says don’t forget to focus on yourself and take time to heal from this experience. Best of luck <3

  13. F. says:

    This article and your comments made me feel better and worse at the same time. Better because I know I’m not alone, worse because it’s evident that some of you could not find a way to save your relationship.
    My partner and I have been dating for 4 years. Things were never easy because he has a complicated family history, but he was a fun and caring partner. He has been depressed before and I now wonder if he ever recovered. Covid-19 lockdown had a very bad effect on him. He’s been working throughout the whole period, none of us lost their jobs (I work from home), so far we’re all in good health…but that does not seem to matter to him. He only sees the bad side of things. We were due to buy a house this year and we decided to go for it. We completed a couple of weeks ago and it should have been a happy period, a big accomplishment. He was still living with his parents, refused to rent together not to waste money and buying a house was what he said he wanted. It has turned into a nightmare. I am the one with savings and the higher paid job. He’s not an admin person so I ended up going through the buying process all by myself. I wanted a bit of help in exchange of the stress and the considerable amount of money I put in it. But his depression kept getting worse and he started to be less and less involved. He promised things would change with exchange of contracts (when the purchase is finally real), then that he would be happy when we got the keys, now the version has changed again and he promised to be involved once we move in. There’s considerable renovation to be done and decisions to be made and I am alone in this. I feel exhausted and scared and anxious all the time. I have worked full time through the pandemic, often extra hours, never left the house, spending 2-3 extra hours every day for five months to sort out all paperwork, purchase and renovation. I take care of his children during the weekend, his depression having an impact on their relationship as well. I’ve never felt so alone in my life because everyone expects us to be happy and want to hear happy stories so I hide his depression, wear a fake smile and tell my friends, family and co-workers that we are over the moon. I feel useless and ugly and fat and absolutely unattractive, because I feel rejected by the man I love. I know he suffers and he does not have control on the way he acts, but I started to resent him because I feel like he killed the sparkle and sucked the happiness out of my body. I am a strong person and the fact I am so strong also mean I always got my life together and I struggle to cope with mental health, I am totally lost. Sometimes I try to talk to him, but he’s always on his phone/iPad/playstation/TV and that annoys me so we fight and then I feel guilty, but the more I feel guilty the more lonely I feel and I just wish I could have my early relationship boyfriend. He’s not going to see a doctor because he’s scared and all he says is that he feels useless and I should leave. If any of you have some advice, I would love to hear it. Thank you.

    • Anonymous says:

      I don’t know if I can give you advice, but I am facing very similar thing, I am having many sleep less nights, only one thing I understood and following is to not to depending on him and trying to do things by myself mostly and no expectations and trying to become a good actor as if I am happy with whatever he tells even it is hurting, because afterwards the arguments turn so ugly that keeping a fake smile and moving forward is much better. Because there understanding is very very less about others and depressed people are always right for themselves at least while having a argument they will win because there is no point for us to be right

    • C. says:

      Advice I’m sure has been given to you already, but it sounds like you need to put your foot down and issue an ultimatum for the changes you want to see happen.. (without backing him into a corner and triggering the flight response, however you’re able to do that..)

      I’m in pretty much the same boat as you (to an unnerving extent on some points!). Ive always accepted my partners depression and severe anxiety and took the ups and downs as they came throughout our relationship, supporting her, encouraging her to get help and being there when she needed me. Many months and various treatments later, things are no better / potentially worse. She says Covid is making things worse (and I’m sure it is) but then other worries will layer themselves on top and if feels like a never ending cycle. I’m constantly being told everything will be fine “once *this* is done” (whatever *this* happens to be that month).
      I’ve generally always been direct with her, but never in the heat of the moment. After an argument or bad day, I’ll take a step back and work out what it is about her behaviour that bothered me, try and identify the root cause and then figure out if it’s something I should a) actually be annoyed about b) accept it as one of those compromises you make or c) something I can reasonably label as unacceptable (and can be changed)

      To my mind, you are very much in the last category and can very reasonably expect change.
      As an example, I made my partner understand that constant anxious activity on her phone (endless scrolling of social media for example) was neither healthy nor helpful to her situation, and that it really bothered me when she did it. She’s now all but stopped doing it when I’m around. She’s also started taking part in the cooking / general household activities. She made these changes after I put my foot down because she wants this relationship to work as much if not more than I do. If your partner isn’t able to come to this conclusion (with or without help) and doesn’t want to make the first step in doing what it takes, then “dependent” feels like a more accurate descriptor than partner.
      “First step” is key here.. Change needs to be in manageable increments, one thing at a time.

      I’m actually on this page because despite all her efforts and being grateful for them, I still feel extremely lonely. I’m a shoulder to cry on when needed, rejected when it comes to showing actual affection and a piñata when things go wrong… I don’t know how much more of “it’ll be better when…” I can take.

      So yeah.. The changes you want now might not be the cure you want them to be, but the only way of finding out is getting through them..

    • Mk says:

      Hi! I’m sorry to hear about that and I hope things get better for you two. But I can relate a bit with you. I feel lonely and guilty too. The way I feel and act is being influenced by my partner. I can’t focus, I feel disgusted of myself, I feel useless. I miss everything we had before he felt so depressed. I feel selfish all the time now because I feel overwhelmed even though he’s having a harder time. I feel useless now. I can’t help him, I just end up sometimes responding back in anger, and we’ve had fights because of this. I end up feeling more guilty because I say to myself why am I depressed, why am I acting like the victim if that makes sense. And, I feel bad for feeling this way, but it’s just so hard to not feel overwhelmed and depressed because of this. He relies on me emotionally and just he says so much all at once, and sometimes i don’t what to say. I feel tired mentally, and I’m just holding on that time will make things better.

    • Trusha says:

      As soon as I read this, I could relate. I have a depressed husband, it’s been like this for about 5 years now. I got married when I was 26 and a few months later he was diagnosed and within the next year my life completely changed. I started seeing less and less of the man I married. Instead a distant stranger who struggles to communicate, does not engage with me and becomes defensive when I ask him about this. Why is it so difficult for him to talk to me instead I feel so alone and isolated from him. I had such big dreams and now I feel stuck like I made the wrong decision. I know it’s not his fault and I have been more than supportive but lately he cannot get out of bed. He lost his job a year ago and now he struggles to leave the bed. If I attempt to wake him, he is angry and defensive and says I am controlling when all I want is to help him, get into a routine and live a healthier lifestyle. He also refuses to have a shower and it’s a battle to get him to take a bath. I know it’s his illness but I honestly feel like It is my battle as well. It’s a daily struggle. I pretend to be happy, smile and talk about our life to friends and family but inside I am slowly dying. My husband is not the man I loved. Most times I feel he is barely there when he is in the same room as me. It’s like the lights are on but nobody is home and I have been in denial for a long time hoping this would pass but it just gets worse. I am afraid of divorce and the hurtful impact it will have not only on him but me. I fear about our future and what lies ahead. It is dark and gloomy and I try to stay positive but anyone with experience of depression knows how impossible the situation can feel. Any response or tips or advice will really help. I need it!

      • Jenny says:

        Trusha – I feel exactly like you do! It’s so hard and unfair! I’m exhausted, the weight of the world is on my shoulders and for 10 years I have been his support, emotionally, financially, mentally – everything. Now I’m realizing I have no support. I feel empty and drained and so exhausted. I keep trying to help him but it’s like beating my head against a wall most of the time. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through (and I’ve gone through some really rough stuff). Selfishly I was to leave! I want to be happy again!!! But I can’t leave him like this. It’s such an awful place to be 🙁
        I have no advice. Only that I want you to know you are not alone. I hope one day it all gets better!

  14. Ahri says:

    I actually was looking for the opposite problem (me being depressed, my partner not caring and ignoring it) but stumbled upon this and God it made me feel so guilty. I try my hardest to either hide or work through my depression when it takes over to not bother anyone and then work through it on my own till it passes. Rarely, I might be more irritated or snappy, usually just really sad and quiet though, but overall I’ve learned to control it quite well I think. But God it gets difficult when all I need is some attention and knowing that he is with me yet he just ignores it and even gets more irritated and mad or critical towards me which just makes it harder for me to crawl out of the hole. But this post made me feel so much worse and I’m scared to approach him at all now to not be a horrible person and a weight on him.

    • Cain says:

      I’m going through the exact same thing with my partner now. She was diagnosed with depression 9 months ago and it’s got worse and worse. We argue a lot and she thinks I don’t care and I’m not supportive, this is completely untrue and hurts a great deal, but I can’t seem to convince her otherwise.

      Does your husband support you in ways that are more subtle that you don’t even realise?

      My partner’s depression has made her very apathetic – she’s reduced her working hours and seldom leaves the house.

      I support her by being the ‘engine room’ of the family – I drive her and my daughter to their appointments/commitments, do all the cooking and shopping, and I work extra hours to make more money so my partner can work less. It’s exhausting and I sleep on average 5-6 hours a night. I feel like I ‘show’ my support in this way, with actions…maybe your husband does too? He may not be a good talker. I’m very bad at talking. But I take action to reduce my partner’s responsibilities and stress, so she has more time to concentrate on making herself better.

      Unfortunately it’s not working very well and I need to improve my verbal communication and see if that helps her more. But don’t feel guilty – maybe look at other ways your husband supports you, he may be more of a ‘actions speak louder than words’ guy like me. My partner doesn’t notice or appreciate these things (or rather, her depression doesn’t allow her to) and maybe this is the case with you, also?

      Hope this helps.

      • Anonymous says:

        She is lucky to get a person like u..but definitely words play a. Major role..so as u said should cool down while talking to loved once as a girl it’s more than anything for them.. ya u r right more than actions .. because girls tend to think much ..and remember the words spoken ..if those are harsh that only will sit in there brains all the help u have done to her will be overlooked so my dear friend just be happy and soon she will come out of depression

    • Ang says:

      I am sure you are not a horrible person or a weight on him – that is your illness distorting how u see the situation. He probably just feels frustrated he can’t help you. All these people making comments love the person they are talking about the are frustrated at their illness and how it makes them see the world through a dark often angry cloud. I am sure your boyfriend just wants you to reach out to get help and support.

  15. Rebecca says:

    Thank you to everyone that has been so honest about how they feel. I’ve always felt like his depression, his behavior, was MY shame, a secret I could never talk about because it was humiliating, embarassing. I have been married for 21 years. We have both had our ups and downs but he has struggled with depression his whole life. In the beginning he always seemed so loving, grateful for my love, but always had the underlying feeling that he doesnt deserve love. After many years have passed our life has become a vicious cycle of him being low and me trying desperately to build him up. I’m tired. I’m resentful. I’m a fool. I used to just feel angry that everything was about him and his feelings. Then I felt like it was something about me that made him unhappy. Now after 21 years I feel NOTHING! I don’t feel sympathy , I don’t feel comforted or secure. I don’t feel sexy or wanted. I don’t feel attraction for him either. I feel defeated. So much time has gone by with both of us being so unhappy that I feel like, even with help, our relationship could NEVER be what we both deserve. There are so many things I wish I could change, I wish I could have been honest in the beginning about my feelings and had the strength to follow through. Maybe my tough love would have been the way to help him. Don’t let things get out of hand like I have. Say what needs to be said, be everything to your partner that you need them to be for you!

    • Shelley says:

      In a very similar position to you Rebecca, been googling the issue for about 40mins before I found your post and felt like I found someone I could relate to.
      I feel bad that I don’t feel sympathy for him, or want to support him but it just feels like it’s gone on too long (about 13yrs). I feel defeated by it too and to listen to him is like letting poison drip in my brain, it solves none of his problems and weighs me down ever so.
      Don’t want to say too much and affect those on the other side of the issue who may read this but for me, your post was very meaningful, thank you.

      • Sally says:

        Wow, you both took the words out of my mouth. I feel exactly the same way – guilty about having no sympathy anymore, but I’ve also had enough of the world revolving around him, him and himself, with seemingly no consideration for the rollercoaster/eggshell effect on myself or all the family/friend relationships he has pushed to breaking point by pushing everyone away over the past 18 years.

    • Tammy says:

      All three of you, exactly the same for me except we’ve been married 30yrs, and this issue reared it’s ugly head about year 4. There was intermittent fun early on, and a good chunk later was me always trying to “help” him. But the sympathizing well started to run dry about 15yrs ago. It was when we had our daughter, which I foolishly thought might help, but instead it was my dawning realization that now, he’s not only got me under the hopeless and blaming microscope, (because I don’t care enough) but now he has more fodder as in not raising her right, KNOWONE cares about him, he’s just a paycheck, we don’t have any fun when he comes with us, I’m not a good enough dad, all the normal downer things that suck you dry, it all has just compounded over the years and now she’s a teenager who sees how he is. And runs full speed away from it. Making him more hopeless. It’s a vicious circle. I wish I had gotten off a long time ago.

      • Susan says:

        Count me on board. We’re in our sixth year together and I’m so drained from everything revolving around his depression. I identify with the loneliness and exhaustion, and I feel like I have no agency in my own life – I’m just a satellite of him.

        I’m seeing lots of people talk about their depressed partner’s anger but I don’t know that I agree that’s a symptom of depression. I don’t think it’s okay for my partner to be angry at me but struggle to tell him when I think his behavior is inappropriate.

        You’re right – it is a vicious circle. Perhaps people with depression should be in relationships with other people with depression. I really don’t know how long I can continue before I shrivel up and become a husk of myself.

  16. Clare says:

    My partner of nearly 3 years has severe anxiety, stress and depression. He owns a business which has always had its own responsibilities and stresses but since one of his two employees has been diagnosed with cancer and been unable to work (more than a year and a half on and off) and with lockdown (now said employee has been shielding for the last 6 months) he has had an unbearable amount of crap to deal with. He works 6 days a week till late, brings work home with him on Sundays. This man is my soulmate, he is (was) the most wonderful, fun, happy, loving man I could ever wish to meet. All that he was has now almost disappeared. He can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he tells me he wants to kill himself or just leave everything behind. He is on medication but it doesn’t help because he cannot rid himself of the cause of his depression – the business (that he’s worked so hard at for so long). I feel like I have lost him, I feel lonely and alone. We live separately atm as I am trying to sell my house so I can move nearer to him and we can be a family. He is still married which I find difficult, he’s been separated for 7 years but doesn’t have the time or capabilities (due to work) to change things. He has no life but neither do I because I am living and breathing his life with him. I love him, I worry about him, I look after him (buy food for him, do his cleaning, washing etc) as much as I can but I feel like his mother. He is distant, sad, doesn’t have any conversation anymore. He tells me that he loves me constantly, he apologises for his absence in my life. Occasionally I get annoyed, upset with him, he becomes defensive, very angry and aggressive. No one else knows what he is going through. He puts on a false act with his teenage kids, his friends, his parents. I can’t cope with the responsibility I feel that I have for him. What has happened to my wonderful, attentive man I once knew? I need him, I cannot cope. I’m struggling with my own mental health. I feel like I can’t take any more and that I would be better off alone.

  17. Anonymous says:

    This is the third depression I have gone through with my husband. The first two were solved by him getting a new job. Now he is close to 70 and he is retired. Before the lockdown I made him get a part time job and join the gym and go to the wellness center. I felt in time this would help. Now all those places are closed or I don’t think that going is worth the risk of us getting the virus. I have asthma and high blood pressure and he has a heart condition. I try to weigh the pros and cons. I too feel at times that I am losing my mind. I too feel at times that it’s all on me. Working was his refuge, his identity. I get it. I am encouraging him to work around the house and he feels better when he does. But I have to constantly be on his back and I can’t stand it.

  18. Abby says:

    Hi. Reading this post and all the stories in the in the commentary makes med feel both not alone and alone. I have been with my husband for 6 years. Most of the time we have fun, talk, travel and cuddle up. But sometimes it is like we are in a black hole with no connection, no fun, no talk. This is replaced by silence and withdrawel, angry comments and blames like I speak condescending to him og see him as a nobody. This, is of course not true. I can get irritated though, but I dont view him this way. But there is no words I can say that changes his view, when we are in this state. We are right now and he doesn’t speak to me and have withdrawn totally. I find myself looking for the right way and the right time to approach this in a manner that keeps us bot whole and our relationship intact. But I’m worn out and heartbroken. I miss him and try not to cry at work. He says I’m the first one to know about his dark thoughts, and I feel it’s like they have befriended him en a weird and unhealthy way. We cant continue like this. The holes are getting deeper and blacker. I know when this hole is past, I will slip into a state of “nice-it-is-over-lets-forget-the-whole-thing-it-probably-wont-happen-again”. I know I’m lying to myself. I know that it is either a depression or bipolar. Hope you have some advice and comforting words for a heartbroken wife that misses her husband dearly right now. – A

    • Lauren says:

      Everything you have just said is word for word exactly what I’m going through in really really struggling as well. You are not alone xxx

    • Stephanie says:

      I am going through the exact same thing with my husband. I wish I could offer you something more than to say I’m there too. I made the decision to seek out a therapist to help me learn how to cope. I hope it helps, I really do.

      • Abby says:

        Thanks the this reply. I think I might need some help too. Its getting harder and harder to keep myself together. I’m heartbroken.

    • Arven says:

      I am depressed and I am so sorry for my husband. I know I am too distant, my emotions are fleeting, I am mostly negative…
      I didn’t use to be like that…
      I want to climb out of this pit but I lack energy. I feel empty most of the time.
      I am so sorry for him being stuck with me. So sorry his emotional needs are neglected. But I feel like I can’t change anything.

      • Abby says:

        Arven, thanks for this reply. I guess that is how it can look from the other side of the hole. I love my husband, not his depression. And all I want to do is lift him up from his pit. I know its not that simple.

    • Sarah says:

      I feel the exact same way, my husband has been diagnosed with major depression and there are some good times but still a lot of bad. Anything that goes wrong or ticks him off (for example getting stuck in traffic, long line up at the check out, kids misbehaving) he gets angry and blames me for it. I try to stay quiet thinking it will pass and if I say something or defend myself it will just make things worse. I really don’t know what to do, but I think I will try to find a support group.

      • K says:

        Stuck in the same hole!😩

        • Sally says:

          Yes, same!
          This has been so refreshing to see that this is not just happening to me/in my relationship.
          We want to be able to help and assist our loved ones, but it is very hard when they push you away and blame everything that goes wrong on you because you are the closest person to them.

          • JG says:

            I am in the same boat and have been married for 15 years but sometimes lately I wonder is this his depression or is this emotional abuse?

      • Kim says:

        I know exactly what u mean I to am in this same situation.. have u found anything helpful

    • Linda says:

      I am going through the same thing with my husband. He blames me for his depression and tells me it’s me that needs help. He tells me to leave, I have nowhere to go. He is also verbally abusive to me most of the time and says he can’t control it and I should suck it up. I love the man I married, however, I am beginning to feel there is nothing of him left. I try to not upset him, seems that everything I do upsets him,I am lost.

    • Ann says:

      My husband(28) has Autism, specifically Aspbergers. He also has clinical depression. I do my best to not belittle him. I love all these comments but yours rang very true with me. I’m a well-rounded go-getter, I want to DO things. Anything really. One example of ‘him’ is saying I should be greatful he ate that day. Therapy helps him, his pets do too. I am losing my mind. He can’t care for me and I accept that, it’s just hard when the words/attitude/actions sting. I try to always smile and research Depression at least once a week to keep up on new tips ‘n tricks. Understanding myself helps me understand him. I can’t expect that thinking out of him though.

      My favorite tip is the “glass-filling until it overflows and you must wait till it goes down’ way of describing miscommunications/approaching after arguments. It helped him visualize things.

      My second tip is speaking in “I” instead of “you’s”when explaining how insensitive he’s being. It helps immensly as it isn’t an ‘attack’.

      I hope that helps someone/makes sense.

      The whole year has stretched us thin. We might become homeless as this is the first month we didnt pay rent… It will be very difficult for someone like him, but I have not once cared for myself this year. I exercise that’s good. I worry about me more then I do him these days. Thank you for taking time to type it helps me understand. <3

      Bless you all good luck. Thank you.

  19. crystal says:

    I have been with my partner for 13 years. For the first 11, we were doing pretty well. 2 years ago, he lost a father figure whom he loved very much in March and then lost his biological father in April. He seemed to be cooping as well as one could but about 7 months later (November), he broke down. We ended up at a psych hospital and he went through a 7 day out patient program where he was diagnosed with depression and placed on meds. They assigned him to a therapist/psychiatrist and set up his first initial appointments for him. He never followed through with any of the appts. It was always an excuse…too tired, have to work, etc. A few months later (March of following year), we were back at the hospital once again in the same boat. I am not a sympathetic person and to me, going through this a second time was quite ridiculous as you had it all mapped out for you prior and you just had to follow the plan, but he didn’t want to follow the plan. So, we went through the outpatient program once more. they have a 9am-noon program and a 9am-3pm program. My thoughts are if the 3 hour program didn’t work, you should do the 6 hour program, the psychiatrist agreed too. He only wanted to put in the 3 hour days, he felt it was too much. It was his decision, so we let him make it. Again, they put him back on meds, made his appts and again he didn’t follow through with any of it. He coasted along that summer and again in September he was admitted to the hospital. The not eating had taken a toll on his body. All his levels were completely off that he spent 12 days there. They couldn’t even put him in the psychiatric part of the hospital, because medically he was doing so badly. After 12 days, they said they would have to transfer him and the nearby hospital options were not that great. He asked if they would follow the same protocol as the other hospital did (giving him meds, therapy, etc) and they said yes, these hospital would do the same thing. He felt he knew what was best and said to discharge him and he could go to therapy on his own rather than being admitted to yet another hospital and go to therapy there. He and his team agreed on a plan for aftercare and they discharged him. He did the same thing he always does, no follow up with therapy appts and eventually his meds runs out and since he is not seeing anyone, he goes without meds because the rx expires. Now, December he lost his job. Once more, we are back in this same boat. He stops eating for days at a time and now that I am in quarantine due to COVID and working from home, I am stuck with him all day every day. It makes me feel like I am losing my mind! It is August and for 9 months I watch him sleep all day, not shower, not eat.I have told him I need him to try and work on a goal or 2 a day, I plead with him to help me more around the house. I beg him to eat. I fell like I just want to die most days. I don’t want to kick him while he is down, but how many times do you have to go through this? I fear our relationship will never been the same before his illness and it scares me. I feel like I can no longer count on him or trust him. I know he doesn’t chose to be this way. But I have needs and I want to feel and be loved and I do deserve that. When do you walk way? Do you walk away? Do we just need time apart? Can I help him as friend? It is so scary not knowing. I told him I will fight with him as long as I see him trying to fight and putting forth effort, but if no effort is being made…do you continue to live your life unhappy and unfulfilled as you watch someone slowly die inside? I feel like a I a bad person. An uncaring person. A selfish person. Not a good partner. I just don’t know what to do.

    • Ty says:

      I was on the other side of this situation.

      Only when I wanted better for myself and actually put in an honest effort. Was I able to change. I had to let go of the victim mentality and make the decision to fight.

      I have Bipolar 2, so it’s a little different. But it’s depression all the same.

      My advice to you is to take care of yourself. Let him know how you feel and how his moods are effecting you. Be honest but also empathize. At the end of the day he will be on his own. It takes a lot of work and self reflection but he can do it. If he really wants to.

      Don’t let him end your life. My wife stuck by me. But it wasn’t until she emotional detached herself and told me flat out “I’m not happy. I don’t know how to help you”. That I took it seriously.

      It’s a fine line between being supportive and enabling a persons self destructive Behavior.

      Wife and I have a great relationship now. Our kids are happy and productive. I’m thankful for her tough love. Because if I’m honest. I wasn’t happy with who I was either. I was tired of being sad and unmotivated.

    • Amanda says:

      This is hitting home for me so much. It wasn’t a death that sparked my husband’s depression but something else, but the same reactions are what I am now going through. I feel like a shit person because he is so depressed and unhappy and I cannot break out of the idea that its all because of me and all my fault. I feel like i can’t bring up my concerns because then its making it all about me, and how dare I do that when he is the one depressed and dealing with hurt i caused him?

      He has no motivation, and when I try to get him to do just some small things he gets mad at me that I am babying him, that he is grown and can take care of himself, but he neglects things he needs to do for himself. Sleep does not make depression better. It helps for a small amount of time, but finding joy in something would be so much better for him to feel better.

      He raises his voice at me, talks down to me, tells me it is my fault he feels the way he feels but then tells me I need to love myself and go to therapy myself to figure out how to love myself again. It makes no sense to me. I have no depression (other than residual from his) and yet I’m the one getting help, trying to change. All I do is work and clean and take care of everyone but myself and then i get told that I can’t have a hug or i cant touch him when im down because he doesnt want me to.

      I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do.

      • Indian Arcturus says:

        Hey you are not alone.
        I also feel and face the same. My husband has depression due to his Job and had multiple episodes small or long earlier as well. Iam married since 4 years now, in our initial courtship period and after marriage also i thought he gets irritated soon but its ok every individual is different. But it started happening so frequently,he used to shout even if you question him something or something dsnt happen as per his comfort zones. His parents and sisters everybody started complaining to me that iam not taking good care of him thats why we are having differences between us.last year he got transferred to a different state different city and i stayed back at home due to my Job. That whole year he was disturbed,gloomy sad all the time.He came back home on weekends but he used to get angry with me kept on saying you dont understand my situation my job etc blamed me for no reason.recently he got himself transferred back and the department to which he is now moved to is not of his liking and his struggle again started he was not willing to eat or to take bath for days.lost all the pleasure in the things he used to enjoy earlier.and even after staying apart for an year and now also it feels i live alone just taking care of him.Iam working from home, managing household chores too. But all he does is blame me for not understanding him and what not.after a lot of talk he got ready to meet a psychiatrist and is under medication and therapy,but still i feel i have noone for me…to whom i can talk to..he hardly says a word to me..i feel so irritated,it seems even after doing all this,All i get in return is blame …that i an not doing all what iam supposed to do,i dont know why he thinks i can treat his problems.only i can fix him nobody else can.I cry at times cuz i dont know where my life is heading to. All his family members are living in denial they don’t understand that whatever he says against me is under depression.and they also blame me. I sometimes want to tell please i tok want sone love and care from my husband which i never get. He is highly negative and sarcastic,never appreciates anything just find faults.when he was not under depression he used to be such a romantic and caring husband but that all is gone.and what is left is me getting hurt daily but i still hope things would turn better. I should give him some more time but more distant i feel.some days are so bad i feel like a failure But still next day i pull my socks. I dont know how long this would be. But its really difficult to be alone when you have your loved one right next to you.Cuz they are not themselves, they live in their own dark and negative world. I feel helpless and alone. But what keeps me going is the hope that one day he ll be as normal as before.

  20. Kathrine says:

    I have to share how thankful I am for this article. I’m grateful and my mindset has drastically changed towards my lover/boyfriend. I have a difficult time finding the right words to express my feelings but, I was trying to share with him MY feelings of emptiness that HE was causing because of HIS lack of intimacy, making ME feel not wanted, no longer attractive to him. Thankfully I didn’t get that far into sharing these feelings. I love and care for him deeply and don’t want to “attack/hurt” him.
    I typed some of my feelings in the search engine to help me better share this with him in a less invasive way. This article opened my eyes to the selfishness of MY FEELINGS being hurt. I immediately felt a renewed love for this important person in my life that deserves better from me. He’s hurting and needs support not more to be depressed and stressed about. Thank you for in lighting me so I can react in a more compassionate way to a hurting person instead of thinking I know it all and my feelings are all that matter. joanna [at] zoominternet [dot] net

  21. Cate says:

    So does it feel like your husband is no longer in love with you or even hates you. My husband of 8 months has been cruel and insulting me saying I have mental health issues, I’m all over the place, I’m unpredictable etc. He’s taken antidepressants long term but seems to have no idea he’s in a deep depression ( I hope that’s what it is or ive married a monster)

  22. Shari says:

    My 50 year old daughtet is depressed because she has never found a partner. She sayes there is no point in living if she has to be alone. We have no family left. She is an olly child and her Dad died a year age. Her job isas a caregiver is mentally and physically difficult. She cries and yells and screams at me as to why she should be gone. She refuses counseling. She just screams at me. I has tried everything I can think of. Maybe shs will kill her self at some point. I love her so much. What can I do?

  23. Mana says:

    I really hate to admit this , but having an emotional affair helped me to heal and it helped me to deal with the drama at home. Why? Because I felt a connection with someone who was beautiful inside and out. We had a chemistry I didn’t think I could have with anyone else. After decades of being with the same man married ,happy,traumatized, working on things, happy again,depressed, anxiety, etc I just got tired of going in circles. I didn’t know who I was. I rejected any man who spoke to me until one day I just didnt. I figured, “Be adventurous, you have nothing to lose he doesnt know you and this is online so you can block him and forget him” except, I couldn’t. I really liked him and everytime I blocked him, I unblocked him. I craved him. It gave me something I needed…life. I was at a point where I wanted to kill myself but I didn’t wanna die if that makes sense… I wanted to live for my kids but this stranger actually made me wanna live for me also. We had similar interest and come to find out, were the same zodiac sign. That’s was beyond sexy chemistry to me. Do you know how sexy a Virgo finds intelligence to be? Umm. Anyway he was everything that resignated with me and he hid it well. Leaving me things to discover often. His modesty but attention to detail was impeccable. He dressed with perfection and his grooming was superb. He was fit and his smile was almost like a blush. This man made me wanna be better. I wanted to be who I really was with him, not that person I had settled to be with a mediocre lifestyle full of anxiety and depression. Before we would video chat I would make sure I looked like the best me I could. He would always tell me how beautiful I was. But i would take that as a grain of salt because I didnt really believe I was anymore. I had let myself go.. He would catch me off guard at times and I would say,” omg I am looking a mess”. And he would say no youre so sexy. I was so honest upfront with him because I wasnt invested so he knew my age, my martial status and that I had 2 children and a bit of my history. But why did I tell this stranger all this? Because he made me feel comfortable with him. One day I realized I was crossing a line. One that I had set for myself and him. I had already crossed the line of my spiritual beliefs which I tried to justify with,”why is love limited?” or “don’t I deserve to be loved?” Or “what difference would it make if i would just kill myself” but I knew cheating was wrong and I hadn’t Physically met up with this person. I just felt like my husband had already stopped loving me and I wanted my love for myself back. I realized someone else can and will love me. But that line I was about to cross,would’ve been a point of no return. So I said to mr (lets call him) lover boy, ” I think we need to stop talking” we asked why and I felt the fear in my hear as I was replying “because im starting to have feelings for you. ” he told me that he felt the same and that he didnt want to stop talking. I told him. You know that I am married, and He said He knows and He doesnt treat me right. (He wasnt wrong” we didnt stop talking instead somehow we fell in love. But Love is not enough is it? See the younger me would’ve said yes love is all you need, but thats just not true. Love may be the biggest factor,but its not the Only factor and Rationale must line up. Love requires sacrifice and. Sometimes you are sacrificing yourself literally to death and other times you sacrifice your comfort zone. There were factors that rationally made me questions my morals and values. But then I questioned why I even had those morals and values and if I wanted to keep them. He was a different ethnicity than I. He was younger than I and he hadnt experienced the things I had. But that didnt seem to matter to us. He told me we had a mutual friend and after prying it out of him it was one of my best friends. That made things very complicated. Because now we were officially a secret which put even more stress on me. I couldnt tell my bff that me a married woman with children was dating someone like her FAMILY MEMBER young (but grown), and single. I didnt need the extra judgment after my husband had already found out.. One day I was in the restroom and Loverboy texted me. My husband picked up the phone and seen all of our recent messages to each other. He then struck me. I escaped his attack but let him know hes the one who told me to pursue. Which in the beginning he did. But he didnt know it would become serious,and neither did we. This made my husband furious and very insecure with me. I didnt care though because Finally he had been feeling Everything he was making me feel and Finally he realized other people may want me and I had options! I was over his depression and anger/abuse and I was over my depression,hurt and wanting to lash back. I just simply no longer cared. And that’s what scared my husband into wanting to work on our marriage. He realized I was no longer gonna take the crap from him that I realized I have more worth to discover and that no one else will love him and put up with all his crappy abuse and mental issues like I have as long as I have. He had let himself go. In sooo many ways it literally disgusted me. His words made me sick and his drinking and marijuana habit had taken a complete toll on him. He knew I was no longer that same girl he met when we were teens. He realized It was him I loved but wanted to be free of the pain I felt in that reality. So we agree to try and move forward. But what about Loverboy? Oh,I really did love him. He was a good friend. He made me feel special and when my husband would hurt my heart he would kiss it. When my husband wanted sex and just wouldnt turn me on intimately 1st, he would get me there. And even at times say , “Now go Fk your husband” lol its so not funny, but it really is hard to spread eagle for someone who didnt even invest in intimacy with you before intercourse. See I think I fell more for Loverboy before he did for me at 1st. I had more of the need and he grew a need for me. I realized when I really believed he finally had fallen in love with me despite the other many times he said it. There was a moment in which I knew he loved me. So as far as Our love for each other goes, We have love for each other and it continues to grow. Lover boy helped love me back to health and intune, helped my relationship with my husband and others. But I really tried to completely let Loverboy go and I just couldnt. I had crossed that line of no return and so now I love 2 men so much. One I have a beautiful history with and the other O want to build a beautiful history with and I dont want to hurt either of them but theres no way to have my cake and eat it to so I decided the one that makes me happier I want to be with bit at the same time I want to stay in a good place with the other. Especially for the kids.. My husbands better and I dont wanna risk him defaulting but he needs to stand on his own two feet and allow me the freedom to love without being hovered over. My husband chose to become better . But it was a little to late. I waited so long until I couldnt anymore and I chose me. Its not fair to be emotionally available to someone and them to you and yall fall in love, only for you to return back and ditch what healed you for what broke you just because they are now better. Yes theres a lot to consider and one day my children will be all grown up and have beautiful lives. I just want to be fully happy and love for as long as I can and have a fresh start . I know maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side but I have options and Im not choosing Loverboy,Im choosing me and right now hes good for me and if that stops, I will leave for myself & I will still thank him because he taught me that rather he knows that or not. I choose me. When a partner has a mental disorder then their spouse develops one to. Its the only way to cope and deal with the different personalities they display and it hurts us. We already have our own crosses to bare in this life. We cant carry theirs for them as well! If you all wanna help your loved ones get professionals involved and get yourself someone to confide in. I know many of you wouldve chose differently than I have, bit fact is you dont know the history in full nor the hell Ive been through. Furthermore thats the beauty of all of us being different and making our own choices. Im content with myself 1st as I was when I 1st met my husband and I will be content and cordial even single. Loverboy isnt perfect and in fact his parents tried to marry him off. Didnt happen and he is currently dealing with grief at the moment which led me here. But Even though he needs some time to get through what hes dealing with, I am going to support him in everyway he needs me to as he did for me. That is Love! Not you dealing with your own issues &supporting your spouse and when you need it you are abandoned because they have issues,No! That my dears is called neglect. And it will lead you to finding your “loverboy” who may not even love you and just add on more pain and stress and you dont need that! Furthermore the guilt that comes with you doing things out of desperation and needing emotional , physical and mental connection. You all deserve better and if you took vows for better or for worst , realize. That if hey are refusing to help themselves or you,they themselves have already broken that same vow to you. Dont gibe up on them bit definitely do everything not to give up on yourself even if that means leaving them . And if you are like me with kids. Be strategic and PLAN TO LEAVE. Give the (in your head) that much time to get their crap together and if by the time you’ve got it figured out,they are still that way,do what’s best for you and especially the kids and Go! You will be doing more damage to the kids allowing them to grow up in a toxic environment than you would co parenting or being the nest parent you can. Be encouraged. Loverboy helped me to het back to a healthier me and I hope that my words help someone else.

    • Rich says:

      … The best thing you can do for a depressed lover is call them out on bad behavior that comes with the territory of being depressed and make it known that you love them. Its hard to see any of the bad or inappropriate things you do for yourself while depression still has a big hold on you. Its like addiction in that respect. Only after you find a med that works or therapy etc will you even have the ability to look back on actions you took. While depressed your minds natural defenses so to speak keep you from seeing anything wrong with your own actions and thoughts. Your not broken , your not a bad person, you deserve happiness just like everyone else. Find a med or therapy or whatever that works. There’s no one size fits all for depression. Just gotta go through trial and error process till you have that (holy shit moment) and you actually feel in control of yourself again. I’ve seen it happen to the one I love. I drew my line , I made it known that she and our kids meant everything to me, but the hurtful things she would do or say to me during depressed bouts were not ok and the self destructive things she was doing while blinded by her depression were hurting her as well as me. Thankfully she decided to try something new to help her. And it did! I cant stress enough to not look for fault once you do find what works, meaning , once your heads clear and you see things differently than when depressed. Don’t dwell , it was a dark time you lived through, nothing more. Then move ever forward knowing you found what works , and will never go back to that frame of mind that kept you in such a dark confusing place.

    • Heartbroken Hubby says:

      My partner is depressed. We’ve been together for 6 years and nothing i can say or do will help. Everything will be fine for weeks and months then all of a sudden something will happen and she will just be cold and wont talk to me. She’ll be distance which i give her but it can be days and weeks till she says sorry. She wont talk to anyone wont take meds wont tell her family and i’m typing this with our 2 kids playing next door and me wanting to pack my bags and leave. I’m on meds and i’ve spoken to people but she never does. I’m lost and i dont know what to do.

      • jamilah says:

        im so sorry.im dealing with the same .My husband has had me on an emotional roller coaster since this covid 19 lockdown began in march and its been very difficult…to say the least. Im holding out but barely.we have two young children together and I’m caring for them solo 95% of the time from the moment they awake to the moment they fall asleep at night and most timed daily he is not at home.in fact it’s sunday and he left the house at 7pm and returned 12:03 am to socialize he says…i cant remember when last we were happily in eachother’s company without him sending emotional attacks my way…it’s hard.he cant regulate his emotions and blames me for the state he is in. today while looking at his garden plot he said to me at random that he doesnt think im with him out of love and im just caught up in the idea of being with a nice person.i m think thats such an ungrateful things to say. we have been together since we were 20 (im 32 now) ive given him my best years, support all his efforts even when he sunk mine, sacrificed so much to be with him, including live in with verbally abusive in laws for 3 years, and hearing this hurt me. Ive dealt with literal abandonment for a full month even after our 1st child,with no real explanation. i forgive freely and he makes judgemental statements that i would forgive anything,,,taking stabs at my past relaationships, its so hard to keep ur guard up around him so it hurts when there jabs make their way into seemingly jovial conversations.that scanario u described abt ur kids playing outside and u wanting to back ur bags…it resonated with me.i know ur still there because u genuinely love this person despite the hurt but above all ur still there because u have a strong sense of responsibility.Be strong and take the powerful message from this post.love yourself treat yourself…in a way that doesnt have to be damaging to others too.i visited the spa it helped my mood…expect it to faade when ur back in ur spouses company but it will help u cope.

        • Tired Heart says:

          I am in the same exact state. About 10 years, 3 kids. But complete denial of any good. Narcissistic tendencies, borderline personality tendencies. Some days he is amazing. Most days he is a ball of negativity, insults, disrespect, hypersensitivity. I loved and supported him through more than any woman I know would…but I feel more unappreciated than any woman I know. The amount of pride and lack of accountability is surreal. Tried counseling, worked for a while..then back into his ways again. He intentionally hurts and retaliates if he feels ‘disrespected’…which could mean having a simple disagreement. Always says I involve the kids, even though I have been the one to save our marriage from his destructive behavior for as long as I can remember. I am so tired. Affection from him feels forced and robotic, I used to yearn for it, now I cant stand it bc it feels so fake. No emotional connection. He will leave and abandon us for a whole day, block phone calls and messages, over a disagreement bc he felt ‘disrespected’, even though he would be the one that would use foul language. Just constant attempts to blame me. I find solace with God, and my kids. I can only pray things change soon.

    • Breanna says:

      I want to start by truly thanking you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write this, im literally in tears of almost relief that I finally found something that damn near resembles exactly what im going through. I’ve been trying to choose for almost a year now and its destroying all 3 of us. i love them both for different reasons and i can’t imagine my life without either one of them so I find myself stuck in this rut. Thank you again your story helped me alot and was truly inspirational ❤

    • Amanda says:

      This is so similar to our situation. I was in midst of feeling balanced (Lost over 80lbs, hubby of 14 years didn’t even notice.) Of course ai unintentionally sought attention and honestly that other man is one of my dearest friends now. He saved my marriage at that time, although it took time for husband to truly see my perspective throughout his “complicated grief”. Although here is it 3 years later and we are still dealing with the fall out from his choices during that time. Like quiting his job of 23 years and not discussing it. Taking his retirement full of penalties and us having a major accident that supported us. So now Every tax man wants his dues, and I feel my hands are truly tied. I can help once he gets certain processes started but legally it was all in his name with me just a benofactor and unable to withdraw from those accounts. Yet he blames me often. I love this man and often question what to do. Reading this reminds me that this is his form of depression showing its ugly face and hiding my husband away. Thank you, because to be honest until I read this as I sit an hour before our 17th wedding anniversary, I really began to try to emotionally try to disconnect myself and find my inner strength. However my reaction is that of a reaction to the depression I assumed we had worked thru before.
      THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! perhaps it will be your words that helped reassure my marriage for a new other 17 years

  24. Danielle says:

    Hi all,

    I appreciate this post, the comments and hearing others stories this journey is more than isolating and it helps knowing others have weathered the storm as well. I fear that I’m in the beginning of a long unknown journey and from where I stand I’m losing hope that it will work out well.

    My husband and I have been married for 8 years as of last month. Which sounds longer than it feels at times. We had two children under two years, unplanned. While we always planned on having children, I definitely wanted it more and it would have been a deal breaker if we didn’t. The past 3 years becoming new parents has been a whirlwind and challenging at best. And we’re now a couple years into this battle with depression.

    Looking back there we’re definitely red flags with anger, abuse and outbursts. I didn’t realize they were early signs of depression. I think the stress and strain on our lives, finances and marriage after having kids triggered his depression. He had a very traumatic childhood and upbringing so I have no doubts that having children has trigged a lot of subconscious issues.

    On good days, he’s a wonderful husband and father and I deeply long for those days. On other days he’s angry, isolated, withdrawn and just wants to sleep. A year ago, I had to hospitalize him for being drunk & trying to self-harm. It was an incredibly traumatic experience for the both of us but especially me as I had to be the one witnessing his behavior, reporting it, being a single parent of two VERY young children for 3 days and dealing with the aftermath. He has since been on a low dose prescription and immediately after the incident was doing talk therapy. He didn’t like the therapist, the cost or the commitment and felt that it wasn’t for him. He’s now turned off of the idea of finding a new talk therapist.

    Since then we’ve had good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, even good months and bad months. But still the journey continues and I’m losing hope. Since Covid things have gotten worse with his depression. He was drinking too much, spending all of our money online (while drunk), and anger/lashing out got worse. He blames me for his depression, for the way he feels and constantly threatens divorce. When he’s not working, he spends all of his time playing a video game on his phone because he doesn’t have the energy to engage with his family. It seems that the weekends are worse when the family obligation on his is highest.

    After several bad weekends and episodes. He finally reached out to his doctor, to express that the medication wasn’t making him feel any better and she simply added another medication to go along with his anti-depressants. I don’t think any of it is going to make him more emotionally available but I’m also desperate for something to improve.

    I’m not a firm believer that medication works without doing work – talk therapy, exercise, eating well, etc. we started dieting, taking vitamins, and exercising daily this week and he said that he was finally feeling better & everything seemed to be improving.

    I know things doesn’t happen overnight, they don’t change in a week. It’s a longer process that requires constant effort. This past week gave me hope, until the weekend came.

    Another small disagreement today triggered another chain of reaction. Anger, lashing out, criticizing me, blaming me, threatening divorce, then sleeping all day and not speaking to me. I told him we couldn’t afford divorce, even if we wanted to and that decisions shouldn’t be made until after quarantine.

    But I just don’t know what the “right” thing to do is – when he’s lashing out. He doesn’t care about me or my emotions. I don’t want to fight or fight in front of the kids. He has no boundaries when he’s like this and I feel like I have no control. Do I try to engage? Do I respond to his threats of divorce? Do I take him seriously? Respond in the moment to anything he’s saying? Do I let him sleep all day or encourage him to interact? Do I leave?

    I’m a stay at home mom caring for two kids under 3. We’re living in one of the most expensive cities on a median income. And no family nearby. There’s not many options for anything – for separating, for divorce, for paying for therapy, not even affording date night. Not to mention the added stress of quarantine.

    I no longer know how to navigate these interactions or how to make things better instead of worse. I don’t know what my expectations should be. I don’t know if things will ever truly get better.

    For now, I just keep focusing on diet, vitamins, exercise and hoping these healthy practices will get us to a better place, eventually. Just in need of a little advice to get through the other parts.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Cooper says:

      Yours is a tough situation. I feel for you. One big takeaway from the internet research I’ve conducted is clearly defining your boundaries, what is an isn’t acceptable to you. Ultimately, you have to look after your kids and yourself. Your kids are very impressionable right now. Things they see and hear now very well could impact their adult relationships.

      If he is depressed, keep in mind it is an illness. He is not right. The internet is filled with recommendations of how best to deal with someone who is depressed. See if any of those work. Getting him to exercise and eat right are high on the list. The boundaires piece is paramount. For me, emotional or physical abuse is a red line. A respectful relationship contains neither.

      If you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I would begin to explore opportunities to stay at a women’s shelter, returning to family, staying with a friend, etc. Don’t become a prisoner of your environment if it is emotionally and physcially unsafe.

    • Elizabeth says:

      Danielle, I stumbled upon your comment (and this lifeline of a website) after yet another sobbing collapse, feeling yet again like my sanity is turning to dust, after yet another bout of irrational, paranoid accusations and pure hatefulness spewed by the terribly depressed, childish, angry, self-pitying alcoholic who has replaced the soulmate I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know which way is up anymore, and it is harder and harder to find positivity and hope. Increasingly, I doubt that he will ever get help. Shameful as it is, at times like this I feel only an overwhelming urge to get away from him and his black hole of misery, and just keep running…but for so many reasons, logistical and deeply emotional, I can’t give up just yet. Anyway, while I hate that someone else is going through this living hell, I related so much to your post and just wanted to send a virtual hug and tell you you’re not alone. I am thinking of and rooting for you, and all others feeling at their breaking point.

      • Suzanne says:

        Elizabeth – your post brings tears to my eyes, I relate to every word so much right now. It’s so impossibly hard to live with, witness and be crushed by. Bless you.
        Danielle – I can relate to you so much as well. The seemingly okay days upended by some small thing triggering an enormous and unyielding rage. Trying to make things normal for the little kids. Watching our beautiful children hum by while my husband sleeps or sinks into his iphone screen for hours, no energy or desire to engage with us. The drinking as a coping mechanism and denial that it’s hurting anything. The anger, the irritability, not knowing how to navigate it and walking on eggshells constantly. I feel desperate as well. Thank you for sharing—this is such a lonely painful journey for us spouses, and helps to feel less alone.

        • Charlotte says:

          Ladies I’m right here with you in the thick of it. Mother to a fantastic toddler and wife to my childhood sweetheart who has suffered with depression for several years. I’m fed up of being dragged into miserable arguments that aren’t even arguments, just accusatory statements worded to bait me into arguing back and then have my words twisted to imply he is always at fault. I’m so acutely aware that my son is picking up on this unbearable tension and he has already told his grandparents that daddy made mummy cry 🙁 I can’t love my husband better and he refuses to show interest in therapy for himself and us as a couple. I feel consumed and overwhelmed by his misery, anger, malice and displeasure. The more I consider leaving I start to feel like I am building a wall of divorce, brick by brick, between us both. Something that seemed to unfathomable when we got married now seems like something I wouldn’t rule out. Strength to you ladies xXx

          • Liz says:

            I never have commented on anything online in my 39 years, but I have to reach out. I’m so sorry you’re all dealing with this. I’m sorry I am too.
            Charlotte, I could have written your post, it’s so similar to my experience. These non-fights are so unbelievable and their impact on me so embarrassing, I can’t even tell anyone about them.
            I don’t know how to love someone I can’t trust. I struggle with how to care for someone whose primary symptom is lashing out at me or disconnecting about the house, keeping us edgy and quiet.
            Often, he’s actively yelling, sulking, panic-apologizing (e.g. if I say “brr I’m chilled,” he freaks out, apologizes profusely, and asks if I’m saying he turned down the AC too low or asked for a sweater he never retrieved, terrified – because I am such an abusive tyrant, somehow?). When he snaps out of it, he apologizes, but it’s mopey and sad, head hung sorry and let’s move on, order pizza?
            Should I get over his accusations and words and behavior, if he “wasn’t doing well”? I have. We’ve been together 17 years, and his depression got bad about 5 years ago and has since oscillated between okay, bad, and worse. Our 7-year-old girl will adopt his phrases sometimes when she wants to be difficult: What did I ever do to you? Fine, I don’t exist. Iiiii just want to have a good day!
            It. Is. Heartbreaking.
            How do I teach my daughter both self-respect and compassion? Boundaries and unconditional love? My father was abusive, and he yelled all the time. I shut down when voices are raised. But my man keeps doing it. (He was never like this before, but gentle as they come.) My father passed this April, and I told my husband that I was now a fatherless woman, and no one was going to yell at me. Ever. Again. I was not going to tolerate it.
            He has actually worked on it since then, which is first time any improvement or effort. But then he blows, and there goes my trust, and I feel like garbage about myself. Sigh.
            I feel very alone and not alone too. Much love, and thank you for listening and sharing.

  25. Georgia says:

    Thank you for this site. I have a depressed spouse. After many years of him being so angry and eroding our relationship, I finally came to realize it is depression.

    • Busy all the time says:

      Reading all of the posts, is so familiar with my experience. Every time my husband, or as I now feel this abusive stranger living in my house, falls into a deep dark mood, it escalates into unimaginable pain for me. My escape is walking, I try desperately not to react to the emotional abuse and name calling. Like many of you, I too feel like I too am going insane. I constantly surprise myself with my resilience but also ask why, and who would willingly accept the type of behaviour issues. If it was a child they would be considered to have serious behaviour problems. But a fully grown man seems to fall into the cracks. Leaving partners and wifes to deal with the fall out. I feel hopeless and despair and think unimaginable bad things are going to happen. Living with depression is worse than the depression I think.

  26. Aj says:

    my fiancee is also suffering from depression. we got engaged in February. everything was perfect till mid march. she told me she was in a relationship with one guy for 3 years and got break up 1.5 years ago but somehow those memories bounced back in march and her behavior with me changed. the worst part is that in july her Ex got married with another women. she can not accept this and blaming herself for this and do not want to have a marriage.
    i do not want to leave her at the half way and at the same time i do not want to ruin her life by marrying her because if she marry with me without getting attached with me then there is no point of this marriage.
    and if we do not marry then she will not marry for her life and her life will be hell.

  27. Niki says:


    Ive reached the end of my rope and don’t know where to turn. Im so tired of burdening my friends and family with this that I need to turn to someone who understands and has experience, so here I am.

    My husband has been struggling with depression for about 6 years and has been on medication for 1 year. He has gone to therapy and we have also gone together. Still, nothing changes. It seems only to be getting worse. I have been supportive of him this whole time, listening, offering advise, setting boundaries, and trying to remember its not about me and its his responsibility to find the right kind of help. I cant “fix” this.

    But, Im drowning. My emotional needs are not being met, and haven’t been met for a very long time. Last night he told me he cannot be emotionally available to me when I finally broke down and told him how I feel. It breaks my heart and I feel so alone and isolated. Im not sure what to do with that information, do I stay and continue to “hope” he finds his way and we still have a relationship left to salvage when that happens? Or do I go, and mourn the loss of a wonderful man but find myself again?

    I love him dearly and I think I am strong enough to handle this most of the time, but it is getting harder and harder to stay afloat. I feel my world is getting smaller and smaller and he has said he no longer wants to participate in the things we enjoy together. These are the things that we both have found help him. We have 2 kids and he has stated he doesn’t have the energy to spend quality time as a family. He wants to be alone, to be left alone, to not be included in plans or even to be asked if he is interested. Im so scared for what this means.

    I don’t know if im looking for advise or just to be heard. I imagine this is a familiar story for most of you.

    Thanks for listening, and if you do have any advice, I would love to hear it!

    • Richard says:


      It sounds to me as though you are in a terrible place and you have all but lost your husband through no fault of your own.

      My wife is going through depression and trying to destroy our marriage in the process and I can identify with your sense of hopelessness at what seems to be something you cannot solve but have tried to for a long time.

      You don’t say how old your children are and whether or not your therapy sessions are ongoing.

      I completely identify with your need for emotional input as my partner is unemotional at the best of times and cold as ice when she gets into a depressive state.

      It sounds to me as though he needs a serious shock because he doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself and wallowing ion his moods. Whether he can help it or not. The medication is obviously not working and the therapy is inadequate if it isn’t addressing your needs too.

      You absolutely have to look after yourself and go and enjoy yourself otherwise you will shrink as a person – easier said than done I know.

      He is going to have to find his own way out and you might be able to shock him into action by suddenly finding plenty to do without him or separating for a while.

      Us blokes have very thick skins and it has taken my wife walking out on me for me to see how I have let her down and without such a shock I probably would have continued making excuses.

      When I got depression I didnt recognise it and went into myself for several years but I snapped out of it eventually. That relationship didnt survive and probably wouldnt have in anycase but I will never know.

      This time around it wasnt depression but men often need an almighty kick up the pants to wake up and smell the coffee.

      If he has it in him he will find a way back to you but you cant hang around being sad and so unhappy with your life becasue your unhappiness will not help him either. It feels like all the responsibility is on your shoulders in this situation and there is no quick solution to that but you can bare it whilst trying to have fun and make a life away from your husbands illness. That way may lie a cure for both of you,

      • Liza says:

        I am going through a very similar thing with my husband of eight years. He’s been on depression medicine for ten years and when we met he was attentive, romantic, wonderful. We tried having kids but we couldn’t, so it wound up just being the two of us. But we were happy.
        Fast forward eight years and I’m married to a man who has these episodes where he doesn’t speak to me, or is cruel and dismissive, or drinks more than he should, or criticizes what I do, or is as cold as ice, or withholds intimacy and sex…Or all of the above!
        And the episodes are becoming more common. I’ve spoken to him about it and somehow he throws it back at me, and makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve broken down in front of him in tears and begged him to go to the doctor. He says he will but hasn’t yet. And I cant force him. It’s been a nightmare. And this had been going on for at least 3-4 years, and getting worse.
        I wish I had some advice for you. I’m on here looking for just that, but I hope to be of a little comfort to you to know that you’re not alone. There are more of us out here struggling.
        And I will say, that finding something that makes you happy, taking care of your needs and doing your own thing are important and helpful.
        I go for biweekly chair massages at my nail salon, throw myself into my work and meet with friends when I have the energy (because depression is draining and not just on the person who has it). I even went on several trips overseas without him, with girl friends. Not my first choice but I love to travel and I do have fun.
        He seems fine with it which is sad on the one hand for me because it’s like he’s doesn’t care. But, actually, I think it’s a relief for him. I think it takes some pressure off of him. He sees how his episodes make me unhappy and I know he feels guilty for that.
        Anyway, I wish you the best. I will be looking for counseling for myself, and will be hoping for brighter days. I wish the same for you.

    • Mmp says:

      What ever happened? I am in a very similar place….

      • T says:

        I would love to know what happened too as it could have been me that wrote that.

        • Julia says:

          Me too. 10 years of bliss followed by husband quitting his anti depressants because they gave him a false positive result during drug tests at work. Fast forward 6 years.. . I get glimpses of his true self but now it’s mainly a wall of silence, no physical affection at all, and constant cruel put downs. Now hes started to criticise me in front of friends and family.. If i try to respond or discuss the situation, i get shouted at a told how stupid I am and that it’s MY fault he gets angry. up until reading this thread, I was starting to believe his insults. Now I realise that not only am I NOT alone but all of you are wandering in this dark place too. I have hope now! I am actually about to try alternative therapy on him. This is my last attempt at trying to pull my best friend out of the hell we’re both experiencing. If it doesn’t work, I have to find the strength to walk away because this toxic situation is killing us both. Hes unlikely to spontaneously get better !
          its more likely that he’ll completely lose any respect for me that ever had because I’m allowing him to carry on like that. I’ve always put him 1st, and vice versa up until he quit his meds.
          I know it’s a chemical imbalance that needs treatment. He cannot get better without treatment and i will continue to be the focus if his illness until i dissolve too. My friends have finally persuaded me that I must rebuild myself in order to be the person I used to be too. Rather than the bitter victim that I’m becoming. I feel like I’m dying. I feel like if I don’t do something positive right now I will dissolve away completely. The girl HE fell in love with wouldn’t have accepted this crap. Would any of you fallen in love with your partners if they’d treated you like this back then? I have One grain of hope left thanks to finding this forum. thank you for your bravery in speaking out. You all deserve better. This is like fighting for your life. I hope all of you find the strength to remember who YOU were before this happened and that you reclaim that. We all need to breathe deep and decide…. is this how we imagined our lives would be when we were kids? What would we say to a friend in our position? Our hearts are already broken, so why wait to lose self respect, self worth, our spirit and our ability to look in the mirror and see life in our eyes. I sound brave, but I’m utterly broken right now. I’m choosing to walk away from the cliff edge if I fail in this last attempt to find my best friend again. Too many bloody tears.

  28. Savanna says:

    Hello, hopefully I can get answer since this post is kind of old but here goes nothing. Me and my best friend dated for almost three years and they were amazing. It was so full of love and support and beautiful energy and there probably at two and a half years we started getting involved in new people, I started making new friends and he lost his job so I was working and paying the bills until he found a new one. I could see that it was all going down hill. He fought more. He would go stay at his parents. And he broke up with me. It was devistating. I pictured my whole life with this man. We got together a couple days later but only lasted a week. He wanted to experience things and other people. He wanted to be on his own and share his love not just with one person. It was very hard on me and still it. I lost a couple of friends because of it because they took advantage of him in this stage. He had a couple of kisses while we were broken up but he slowly made his way back to me. Admitted to me what had happened with other woman which hurt but we weren’t together. Now we’re kind of back in the same routine but I can see he’s hurting. He still feels like we need a break sometimes. Sometimes every once and awhile we’ll drink and he’ll get so angry. Say he’s leaving and never coming back, says he wants to kill himself and says I never listen to him which I do. What you said on your article in parts explains so much how he’s acting. Why he’ll be sweet and will tell me he sees a future with me but he’s unhappy and needs time to work on himself. Another thing that makes this harder is I’m not in a happy home. We’re both still unemployed and he hasn’t really looked for a job. We both live with out parents now but my mom can be very emotionally abusive. I’m not really sure where to go at this point. I love him and I’ve tried giving him space but he feels bad leaving me alone without many friends and with my mom. So we’ve distanced ourselves. Only see eachother every couple of days for a few hours but do you think this will help? I’ve been taking time to take care of myself of course but I don’t know how to help him. He won’t see a doctor. He drinks a lot of coffee and alcohol with his friends. I know he can only help himself but how can I help nudge him to take care of himself?
    It’s a very tough situation and any advice would be greatly appreciated ❤

  29. JC says:

    Hi all,
    My story is similar to most of you with a depressed husband for more 30 years. He was not behaved like that when he was young. He does not accept this is his illness, but blames on me for triggering his anger.
    This time, he turned on his anger after I told him I have a dinner gathering a some friends. He said I like to flattened the others. All were my faults that made him angry to me. He likes to ignore me, not talk to me, isolate me. He does not admit it is caused by his illness.
    Why he can go to work as a normal person, talk to our son normally, talk to others in a normal way, but just angry to me?
    I love him and we have much beautiful times together when he is normal.

    • JJ says:

      His behavior toward you is abusive. He has control skills enough to govern his behavior with everyone else but you. It’s not you. Do some research on abusive behavior.

  30. Tee says:

    Right now I am in the eye of the storm. My darling husband of 27 years is lost in depression. He is already on meds for this, they worked for a few years,recently the meds seemed to have stopped being effective. His family history of suicide is frightening. I feel Im losing him bit by bit and have no idea what to do. Any advice would help. The change in him is devastating and frightening. Tish.

    • L says:

      Hi Tish,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am really sorry you guys are in this place, it’s a very difficult one to be in and I have been familiar with it myself. Can I ask if your or your partner is using any kind of psychological or talking therapies or has access to them in your area? Have you spoken to your GP, mental health services or a local mental health organisation? Are you US based or UK? I ask because of you he NHS and way things are run over here is obvs very different from US.

      My own opinion of meds is that they only mask the symptoms, they don’t get to the root causes. There’s a very good book by Johann Hari called ‘Lost Connections’ which is very much worth a read (or listen on audio book) and it’s all about anti depressants and depression. It really helped me to understand more about it last year when I was supporting my partner through a very difficult time.

      Of course your partner has to be willing to go to therapy for it to really help, but it’s always beneficial to know there’s someone objective he, and also you, can go to for support. It’s different from talking to family or friends because your family and friends will usually always want to placate or be personally involved in your feelings, as is natural and I think the professional distance, as well as techniques, have certainly helped me to understand myself more and how I can support him. (We’ve both been in therapy just so that makes more sense).

      It is no mean feat what you’re doing by supporting your loved one through this time so make sure you look after yourself. He’s going to need continued reassurances and lots of love, which I’m sure you’re already doing, and that can be very tiring on you and sometimes feeling helpless as a result. I really hope that you can get some more support for both of you, whatever that looks like (it’s got to be right for you each afterall) and that you’re able to relax a bit over Christmas. Good luck and all the best xxx

    • Linda says:

      Hi Tish.

      I hope you are weathering your storm. My situation is identical to yours – decades of marriage to a once-wonderful man. I know that scary, helpless feeling of losing someone you love and the fear and devastation that comes with all the changes you see in him. Sadly, despite all my efforts, my marriage has come to an end. I was forced to essentially save myself. His behavior in recent years has become increasingly worse – both toward himself and toward me. I never wanted to give up on him or our marriage so I spent a lot of time trying to support him and cope (and hope). But eventually things just spun out of control. I could not ever imagine he would do and say the things he has, and has become a total stranger now. I still miss him every day and am heartbroken that the person he once was is never coming back. And every day I try to deal with life without him. The dilemma continues – I can’t love this stranger and I can’t “un-love” who he once was.

      I don’t mean to sound discouraging, but my experience was (and I’ve read a lot on the subject) that depression seems to worsen with age. I have compassion for those afflicted with depression but the partners really suffer too. The fallout is immense and is something I’m trying to deal with (with the help of a therapist). In the end, caring for ourselves and loving from a distance may be all we can do. I truly wish I could give you better advice.

      Wishing you all the best.

      • Jean says:

        I am in a very similar situation. Is leaving the only thing to do. I get why . But I’m also stuck nowhere to go. Don’t make enough money to live on my own with my 17 yr old daughter .we were traumatized this past year then low and behold add my husbands brother had been molesting my step daughter husbands biological daughter who is an adult and this had happened on 4 different occasions over 6 years this would stil be a secret if my stepdaughters friend hadn’t witnessed this. I thank her every day for stopping this. To add to our traumatized life we add this. To be honest our life could be a 2 or 3 part lifetime movie NOJoke…. we went from a carefree loving happy CLOSE family to devistion noone wants to be bothered HOLIDAYS are ruined for 25 yrs we all were always together and very close to just our own immediate family our girls are devistated as well went from20 of us to 5. Not to mention the trauma was living next to my parents for 22 years the home was my in verbally I was close with my mother very close like best friends for my whole life all of a sudden if she’s not sick then I will never forgive her we remodeled a four-story home from bottom to top inside and out from wiring to name it we did it pretty much kicked us out after room remodel the whole thing tried fighting it had proof of what we did judge says your name is not on the deed . Needless to say within 5 months we were thrown out literally no joke absolutely devastating my mother acts like I don’t exist is absolutely horrible and vindictive and wished us homeless. Needless to say all the money went into the home that thought was ours from day one or at least buying and also didn’t have good credit or bad credit cuz we didn’t need it so we could not get a loan for a new home and that we’re going to have to rent and be lots of that word because there was no way we’re going to have what we had renting mind you we got not one red Cent for all the money we put into my stepfathers home that was verbally mine from day one pretty-much much laughed at us leaving with their two grandchildren and my mother had not won tear but yet tried to destroy us what she did not my husband’s boss was kind enough to loan US money to buy a very small house that needed 100% Construction to fix it up we are now 50 years old and tired and we also did this already we have overcome the most horrible things that could ever happen to any family emotionally mentally physically I guess you could say except illness thank God What now is occuring I had counseling medicine etcetera had the coping skills to pretty much leave it up to God so I can be okay I will never understand why this has happened to us my daughters have gone through therapy medicine we all seem to be okay then my husband pulls 100% severely depressed person a month after we moved into our new home he is overwhelmed overworked and Beyond tired which we all are his pride was almost taken away my mother tried destroying our family his brother molested my stepdaughter as an adult devastating our whole entire family I finally went over the mountain and I’m able to move forward and be happy even though we don’t have what we had before which is this thing my husband feels helpless because our money is Sibley tied up in this house which we don’t have enough to finish everything now he is overwhelmed the only person working on it one or two of our friends come and help a little bit but it is just overwhelming to say the least it’s going to be winter I haven’t got it view rooms that need insulation etcetera Etc not to mention we have a higher mortgage and bills and kids and grandchildren yada yada yada you get that but this has completely consumed him where he has on the weekends sleeps for 2-3 days seriously doesn’t get up just to eat throws things at me to make it my fault we argue I panic my anxiety is back I’m starting to shake and I am scared beyond my imagination because if I need to leave I cannot how far is it to be on my own with my 17 year old daughter and my 21 year-old College daughter that comes home when not in school that sounds horrible I feel helpless because I can’t help him we went from a happy Loving Care Free Family the girls had a fun dad my husband didn’t worry about anything if anything he said he always works out and he was always right however I don’t have his support and that is what I felt for not being able to be independent which I taught my children very well growing up don’t you worry my mother didn’t teach me a lot of stuff but my kids will never ever be stuck not saying I’m stuck because I love my husband Beyond his imagination I don’t know how to help him he is depressed severely and cannot get out of this funk he acts like he’s okay sometimes but then bam right back to where he was the following week he goes to work that’s it doesn’t want to go anywhere doesn’t want to do anything doesn’t want to talk to me ignores me screams at me tells me I’m a piece of shit last straw was I got on him because there was his daughter having children and he did not go see them in the hospital ice cream to him that this is not how he is he needs to go I don’t give a shit if he goes for 10 minutes and he proceeded to say if you don’t leave me alone just going to be a murder suicide I am scared of him I don’t feel safe in my own home that I could be happy and I tell him all the time that this doesn’t have to be this way I’m here for you and then I left that day however it is true I do love him I would be here for him I don’t know how to help him all he wants is to be left alone left alone left alone he’s not okay and then visit but will not seek help we are married for 22 years and this is all happened in the past year before that we were happy as happy can be feeling destroyed there is so much more to my story however this is more than long enough but this just puts it in a nutshell is a few people in our family who have tried to destroy us with my mother and I never ever will understand why that’s why I leave it up to God I’ve been trying to do things with my kids have a little fun but I want my husband back is this possible than I honest honest to God mean that our life could be a movie and learn from me folks trust no one not even your mother and that’s pathetic but it is the honest truth and I am living proof of it never fought with my mother never argue with my mother never curse that I mother and then donut on your ass left with pretty much nothing and started over thought would we would be okay obviously it’s a downward spiral and I’m ready to lose it I will never lose it again cuz I was severely depressed last year because of my mother and I promised my daughter that I will never lose it again it might be hard but I will never lose it how don’t I lose it people because it’s closed I trust no one anymore and I am a trustworthy honest hard-working humble caregiving person I would do anything for anybody and if I have it and don’t need it you can have it kind of person I’m middle-class not rich not poor but struggling in life right now that I’m afraid that all of our health is in Jeopardy because of the anxiety my anxiety is controlled and if I have my husband he makes me feel so much better and I am fine but when he is like this I am a hot mess because I don’t know what to do maybe fear of the unknown advice to this is greatly needed I don’t even know where to go with it my husband has not even dealt with the issue of his brother yet which we don’t have time for he’s sick and there’s no cure for what he has done however we have three beautiful girls two new grandchildren twin girls and a lot to be thankful for and I remind him that everyday we can be okay with this our family but we are used to having everyone and it has just changed our life a full 360. My husband has 100 friends to say the least they actually only speaks to one or two and it’s sad because we were just an all-around fun happy family friends you name it and he give him birthday party at our home that we used to live in was 60 people minimum now we don’t ever a tap company invite friends over Etc I had to beg him to go to a friend’s once got him there he had a great time but acts like I should never ask that again we used to have fun just together doing projects in the house and now it’s at or being in the same room for five minutes because he flips out stupid blames me I took his pencil where do I put this what did you do with that tell me I’m a liar but I don’t do anything or go anywhere nothing to lie about trying to be happy but struggling to stay afloat our marriage is 100% On The Rocks we could be so happy what do I do for him to snap out of this or is he never going to completely devastated in Pennsylvania please help

      • Jen says:

        I am finding myself here as well. I am being forced to save myself and it’s breaking my heart. I cannot imagine a future without him in it, but I cannot live 6 more months like this. I knew 2 years ago, and am just now finding the strength to face the truth, and what I have to do. He’s been like my gravity and saying goodbye seems unfathomable. I never, ever, thought we’d end up here. But he’s unwilling to get real help, and that’s where I’ve had to stop trying and give up. I know I’m going to shatter, but the only way out is through, right? I wish ALL of you peace and serenity. It’s hard to be a warrior for love out here, and sometimes you just have to walk.

  31. Giovanna says:

    Hi everybody! I can’t believe how many stories share similar traits with mine. I didn’t know anything about depression before meeting my ex who was always very indecisive about our relationship and once disclosed he was “in a rut” – he never called it depression. I don’t know wether his depression came from his former relationship with somebody who supposedly cheated on him or from his unsatisfactory job/career.

    We’d been in a long distance relationship for about a year where he drove 3.5 hrs to come to see me every weekend, stating that the only thing which was taking him till the end of the week was the fact that he was coming to see me.

    Despite his affection and nice gestures and very sugarcoated way of talking (I am more of an action person – I prefer to show my love by doing things for the other because I am not very good with words), he was always distant and it was hard sometimes to establish an open sincere rapport with him. He would be closed up and silent in his own world for long hours.

    After 3 months that we nearly lived together I had to move to another city because I started my teacher training course there and things started to fall apart. He started complaining that I wasn’t doing enough for him and that he had put all the effort in the relationship, unlike me.

    So he started dumping me about every 2 months and I was the one trying to pull things together, try to make him see things from a different perspective, trying to reassure him that one day, sooner or later, we would be living together again. I also offered money in order to pay a deposit for a place together and told him I was ready to change job for him.

    I saved the relationship several times by managing to convince him that he was creating unnecessary problems and that arguing/discussing in a new couple is normal because we were still getting to know each other but he would reply that after each discussion he was getting depressed.

    Once, after he broke up again with me one day and the day after he told me that he loved me, he said “it is funny how you know me better than me. See, I have this problem. How would you have a relationship with somebody like me?” I said “I love you and I will support you and we can seek professional assistance together” but it never happened because he later denied he needed help.

    At the end of my teacher training course, when finally all the burden from study was about to finish and it was time to apply for schools he decided to leave me because “I didn’t put much effort in finding a job in his city”. So, not only the frustration of not getting a job where I wanted, the indecision because in the mean time I had a job offer in another city, he also made me feel guilty for not trying enough.

    He hang up and never wanted to speak to me again. i took a taxi and spend £200 to go and talk to him to understand a bit more about the whole situation and feeling totally guilty for not being successful in moving to his city.

    Later on via texts after many questions I asked him I found out that “I have no boundaries as a gf” and that “I used him as a punch bag for my stress at work/uni” and for “not putting any effort in order to get a job in his city”.

    I came out of this relationship distressed and with a huge sense of guilt for not making things work and for not getting a job in his city immediately. Three months have passed since he broke up with me and I was still looking for answers because I couldn’t understand his behaviour and I think with depression it is very hard until people are really ready to open up and talk through things with open heart.

    I am sorry about the phrasing I am not an English native speaker.

    Thanks everyone for sharing your stories 🙂

  32. Adrianne says:

    If someone breaks up with you while in a depression, do they come back around? We weren’t together long. We had been friends for a while before we got together. We also are long distance. He had always told me he needed to fix himself and he couldn’t handle a relationship. I never pushed for one, we just naturally fall into acting like we are in one. Then seeming a switch flipped and he decided he could work on himself and be with me. Then all his old stressors stared acting up and he grew distant. Me saying please don’t shut me out seemed to set off our break up. He stated it wasn’t me, this was all him and his head. That he knows we are a good thing. We never had a chance to exit the honeymoon stage and have never fought in the year we have known each other. He did state that this is how his relationships end so he was just going to do it now instead of dragging me down the road. We are still friends, with him trying to convince me how awful he is. But he doesn’t shut me out completely. I’m trying to show that not everyone will leave him as he believes. Am I wasting my tome? Or is there a chance that he will come around once he works through some of this stuff? He has never seen a dr about this, but I think we are getting closer to that. He had finally admitted he knows he will need therapy and/or meds but he’s not ready yet. Any insights or advice is appreciated.

    • Joe says:

      Did you ever get him back?

      • Kimberly says:

        I actually can relate to nearly all of these posts and my heart breaks for everyone as I would rather have a limb torn off than feel this way myself..
        My partner was amazing, the man I wanted to marry, we had made plans and set a future together and the bond we had I have never shared with any former partners. So much love and respect on both sides. He loves my 4 year old daughter to and she adores him 🙁
        He started a new job at a youth prison, and within 2 weeks of this he starting getting distant and cold. I could see the massive change within a week so I naturally reacted to these changes where he said he had mental health struggles and he was trying to get his head together and it wasn’t us and he just needed time. He was trying? I couldn’t understand how he had to try to love me after loving me for so long and so deeply? I’m his partner í’m here for him. He also advised me that he has always dealt with this on his own and had gotten through it on his own about 2 years ago with another episode.

        I tried to stay strong but could not help but get upset as we were so in love and together all the time, which then started with me sending questions of infidelity as he was ok with his friends and could go out but I was pushed aside as it seemed. I thought there was someone else and he blew up. I thought it was me and he no longer wanted to be with me, despite him saying Im not going anywhere. It was killing me.
        This then made him angry towards me and in time we had little tiffs here and there and the blame soon turned to me, that I was making things worse for his head and it wasn’t fair. What about the fairness I wasn’t receiving? They weren’t accusations they were questions only, but he put words in my mouth saying I’m accusing him and was full of anger. He was trying to sort it and I was continuing the “drama” as he labelled my emotions. I said things like “break up with me if you don’t want to be with me” which I now see was bad… and I feel I have destroyed my relationship for good now.
        What he couldn’t understand and still doesn’t is that how he was acting towards me is why I reacted so upset and worried. I’m a communicator and he seems to not want to talk, but I pushed him and now he has totally pulled away not messaging me daily like he use to. or even replying. I am giving him space but the urge to contact him is so painful to fight so I send an “I love you” every few days but with no response from him. (we don’t live together) Have I ruined this and turned him away with my emotions, is he going to see the light? I am dying with anxiety so it feels. I suffer from anxiety and major depressive order myself. And was fine before this change suffering with insecurities and trust. I doubted he loved me anymore.
        I have seen a doctor who has referred me to a psychologist and prescribed me Valium as I cant function on a daily basis anymore. I have constant panic attacks that last for days, i cant eat, i shake continuously and feel like i am dying. We made a pact not to let anything come between us and then bam, it went from so in love to a man I don’t know anymore. He replied one night saying “he is fine” and I said “Are you just not talking to me then?” “He said he isn’t talking to anyone” so I feel he is in a world of confusion and pain and withdrawn.. I am so worried the man I want to marry is going to leave me when all I want to do is be there for him. I cried out for help from him but he is obviously in no frame of mind to love me whilst he is in in this rut. AND IT IS SO PAINFUL!
        I said I am thinking of you and I love you, I hope you are ok – and no response. I feel he has just forgotten about me and what we have/had. He is my world and I feel my human for life.

        I feel like I am to blame but then I go, no – his actions have made me feel this way, yes I shouldn’t of acted how I did but I have emotions too and for someone to not see this as a two way street I find very hurtful. I do not know if I want to end the relationship so he can be happy and cop the burden of healing through a break up again as I know what a beautiful man he is. I just want him to be my happy partner again. So I am holding on and waiting for him to come to me. I have said he needs to get professional help and I will be there for him as support, but so far I don’t think this has happened. Can someone please help me, I am so sick and just miss him so much.

        Thanks for listening… I’m so lost and feel helpless …

    • Lou says:

      This feels like I could have written it. I am in this exact same situation. I wish I had insight but I’m just seeking advice too. I had been seeing him for a couple months and have never felt more connected to someone. Then around the holidays his demons were being triggered and he said he needed time and was sorry, and thanked me for being patient. But we’ve barely spoken since that, maybe one text per week. I’ve reiterated my support and have reminded him I’ll be here when he’s ready while respecting his space and not pressuring him. But I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I simply just wait? And hope he comes around? He feels like everyone has always given up on him. I won’t give up on him. But being shut out almost feels like he’s given up on me. Idk.

      • Alexis says:

        Everyone keeps saying this but damn it’s like I could have written your post exactly the same. I met my partner last year, we started dating and it’s been incredible. Then over the holidays and leading up to now, he’s been in this episode of depression that he says he’s never had before. He’s barely talking to me or taking care of himself very well. It’s heartbreaking. And after reading all the posts about people in this situation years and years without any improvement, I’m questioning if I should stay in this or not.

        • Lou says:

          I feel you. It’s hard to know what to do… I’ve read so much on depression the last weeks and I know that I have been doing everything the way I’m supposed to, ensuring him I’m here for him and that I always will be. But it’s been a week since he’s said anything to me and I know he’s not talking to a counselor & he’s hiding his depression from his parents who he’s living with due to the pandemic… feeling completely at a loss.

  33. Kelli says:

    I met a man a year ago. He was on vacation, he lives 4 hours away from me. We have had ups and downs in the last year. We talked all day every day, and we would fall into acting like a couple before he would slam on he breaks. He’s been open with me about the fact that he struggles with depression. He had always told me that he felt he needed to “fix himself” before he could be in a relationship. We would be taking the way couples talk and he’d have a “I adore you, but you need to know I’m not looking for anything other than friendship” conversation with me. I have family that lives by him, so when I would go down there we would hang out. Just getting coffee or hanging out. Seven months into our friendship I was in his area over night. We hung out, went to dinner, and stayed up all night talking. The next day be told me he had realized he was in love with me a few weeks prior and that night had cemented it. That yes he had issues he needed to figure out, he wants a better job, better house, etc, but that he had realized he didn’t need to be alone while doing those things. He said I had always been patient and understanding with him, and everything between us was always easy. We have great chemistry and awesome communication. Something slipped a switch for him. I was apprehensive, because why now? But I let him convince me that he was done keeping me away. We would tackle these issues together. We started driving to see eahother at least once every two weeks. He made more trips my way since I have two small children and he doesn’t. I still went to him a few times, it was just harder with babysitters and such. We didn’t go more than 10 days without seeing each other in the 2.5 months we were together. His last trip here he was noticeably down. We talked about it, he said he was feeling down. He was going on a trip and wouldn’t be able to come up before then. I wouldn’t be able to be down for a while either. So we were lookin at a month without seeing each other. He was noticeably more irritable and less engaging in our conversations over the next two weeks. I drove down for a night, Bc I missed him. He was so happy. We talked about him moving here when he got back from his trip. Exactly a week later. He broke up with me. The night before, we talked about moving. About how his depression wouldn’t break us. Then it seemed like he just let it take hold. He told me it wasn’t fair to me, he can’t deag me along while he figures out himself. He told me everyone gets sick of him and leaves. He’s no good for anyone. It just continued in that fashion.
    Since we broke up, I’ve given him tome to himself. I didn’t talk to him for a couple weeks and then I reached out to check in on him. Since then we have talked pretty much every day. It’s been 2.5 months since we broke up. He is super stubborn when he is in this state. He continues to tell me he will only disappoint me, he’s a burden, he’s toxic, I will get sick of him and leave. Mind you we are only friends now. It feels impossible that he won’t come out of this and love me again. But I don’t want to be delusional either. My very very very long winded post does have a point. Do they ever come back and love you again? I know he loves me, and he’s told me as much. In this state he is basically shut off to everything and feels minimal emotions. He doesn’t see ever being with me again, Bc he says he will never be any good for anyone. How long is too long to waste on him? I don’t have any intentions of leaving his side so to speak, I think he needs someone to stay when they say they will. But everyone around me has told me it’s pointless. Looking for other opinions. Thank you in advance.

    • Charan says:

      wow , your situation is soooo similar with me … everything he saidto you is exactly what my boyf told me … at first he was all in , we are long distance and i have a little girl, so he talks about moving closer to me and be a good dad to my lil girl , he was wonderful … and then he started getting stress over work …next thing all of sudden he told me he wasnt looking for relationship anymore, he is not ready and it’s not fair on me, he said he need to be happy with himself first to be able to make the relationship work .. he started to withdraw ..from talking everyday on the phone to one a week on the phone and limited text message every day , and he started to dissapear … when i confronted him , he said if you want us to continue then you should not worry … but how can I not worry if he changed like that … he then told me he need to be alone and then dissapear for weeks and weeks …i keep reaching out to him and he would reply once a week with one line only … 2 months later of being in a dark not knowing whats wrong with him , he finally started to open up .. he admitted that he got problem and every day is a struggle for him … im struggle to stay with him after 2 months of endless reaching out but i know i dont want to leave him too … not now when he start to come out … but i still feel like i’m banging into a wall sometimes with him … maybe im being impatient and just want everything back to how it was … i feel your struggle and emotion … but you are not alone … your boyfriend lucky to have you , and im sure he know it and think he’s not worthy …. my boyfriend always say that im perfect for him .. that he wants me in his life for a long term , that’s the only think that keep me survive every day trying to reach out to him … but yes i ahve my doubts and feel like a fool too :S but I love him … it’s been 3 months now with me btw … im staying because i want him for a long term as well … so ask your heart and follow your gut feeling … hope my reply helps

  34. mkw says:

    My husband and I have been married for 33 years, he has been treated for depression for several of those years. He left his job of 33 years for an opportunity with a company who pursued him with all kinds of benefits and he accepted the position. This was a big move for him as he had been forever with his previous employer. We had some reservations about this new company but we were reassured by the owner that our concerns were unfounded, no worries at all. So here he is 7 months into this new job, total dysfunction is the workplace, the whole thing was smoke and mirrors. My husband and the company parted ways after they reneged on the contract. My husband has been unemployed now over two months and his depression is in overdrive. He naps almost everyday and many times on the weekends he sleeps the entire day away. I am so sad and lonely and when I talked to him about it he shared with me that he stopped taking his depression medication 6 months ago because he didn’t feel that it was helping and it upset his stomach. We have been thru so much in our marriage he has had addiction issues that he had overcome and this is another thing to add to the list. I am exhausted and I can’t do anymore for him. When I ask him what he needs from me, his response was to keep loving him. My response to him was that I cant love him more than he loves him. I am at my wits end and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am taking anxiety meds to get myself settled over all of this. I never thought is is where I would be at this point in life.

    • Kdh says:

      Wow. I’m so get sorry to hear this. I have no helpful advice for your situation only to say I’m in the same boat and take care of yourself. Best of luck to you.

    • Tee says:

      My dear girl, my heart goes out to you. I am in a very similar situation. Sending you strength and a hug. You aren’t alone. x Tish

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation and sometimes I just want to leave. It’s so lonely in this place. My heart goes out to you.

  35. Elsa says:

    Hi everyone.
    My husband and I have been married for two years. We spent time together almost every minute over the past two years. We were deep in love. He was a loving, caring and responsible husband.
    But 3 weeks ago, he told me all of a sudden that he wanted to live alone and move out from our home. I was really really shocked and scared and asked him why he would have this thought. He said he couldn’t take up the role of a husband anymore. He wanted to explore and find opportunities in life. I couldn’t accept this as he didn’t tell me anything about it before. Why could he abandon me in this way? How selfish and cruel he is! That’s what I thought at that time. And I even suspected that there might be someone else involved in our relationship as a new young lady has just joined his team at work.
    Then I asked him if this was about that young girl. He said no. He was disappointed that I thought him this way. He told me that he had been struggling this (moving out and living alone) inside him for a few months (which I really couldn’t see any clues!). He was crying when he wanted to put it clearly and he tried to make me understand his need. He is repeatedly saying that he wanted to be alone and live without any attachment.
    After a few days he put this forward to me, I started to think if he was in any mental health troubles. I looked for the symptoms and tried to figure out what happened to him. I think he’s got depression.
    During these 3 weeks, he changed a lot. He becomes ruthless, angry, aggressive, impatient. He treated me like an enemy. He thought I am the one who stuck his way in pursuing his life goals. He puts the blames on me. He thought I checked his phone secretly (but this isn’t true! I didn’t do it). He suspects me all the time. Now, he doesn’t want to eat with me and talk with me. He comes home very late as he feels extremely stressed when he sees me. He keeps pushing me away and he said he doesn’t want to take care of me anymore.
    I cried in front of him telling him how I feel. He looked really angry and said hurtful things to me. He said I was using different strategies to make him stay, e.g.crying. I was really heartbroken… everything I do and say is just a trap/ a strategy or even a threat in his eyes.
    I told his family about this and they are going to take him to the psychologist today to have an evaluation for his mental state.
    How can a man change drastically all of a sudden? I just can’t move on if he really moves out. I just can’t live without him.
    Any advice?

    • Kdh says:

      From what I know ab depression (not myself but my partner) it rarely hides its vicious symptoms. I’m not judging whatsoever but his behavior sounds like there is indeed a 3rd party involved. The grass is always greener on the other side, until they get there. Take care and pay attention to the signs.

    • Maya says:

      So sorry that you’re going through this I don’t really know what to say I’ve been married for you can’t cure or help anybody that doesn’t want to be helped like I said I’ve been married to a man for 7 months and he everything is in his sons in his name he doesn’t even trust me with any kind of money he’s always on me bottom line is that going downhill because his Depression hit his depression he rubs off on to me don’t get involved with anybody that has depression unless they depressed people please just pray about it because and don’t marry them is not correct spelling and I’m sorry about that so I hope you can make out when it says house I met him he was on depression pills and very much and now that I’m in the marriage I can’t get out because of my Christian beliefs I don’t want to get out because of my Christian I did not know that how bad he was would have married him if I had known and yes he makeshift and downhill do not get involved with anybody that is depressed if you know that they are do not get involved because all you me depressed because he gets depressed so I see me going downhill and I see my house going downhill and but

  36. Gaby says:

    Reading through everyone’s stories has made me realize that I am not the only one experiencing a similar situation.

    I met a wonderful 28-year old guy a few months ago, we hit it off right away and spent so much time together over the past six months. I felt as if there was something going on with his mental health after a few weeks of talking to him and he opened up to me saying that he struggled with depression a month and a half after we met. At the time, he would tell me that he was working. However, I had the sense that he had either been fired from his job or that he had stopped showing up to it.

    Two months into our relationship, he opened up and told me he had lost his job…because he had just stopped showing up to it. He either slept all day or just did not sleep at all at night. He was living with his family at the time, but his relatives moved out of their place so he was basically homeless at the same time. He said he had been searching for a job since he found out he had officially been fired from his old job, but he was unable to secure at least an interview.

    He continued to struggle and started to ignore his family. He would tell me that his relatives would message him, but stated that he did not want to talk to them because he felt ashamed of his situation; especially because everyone else was doing well. I would try to comfort him by reminding him that we cannot compare our lives to other people’s and I would just listen to him when he would speak to me about his struggles. I would encourage him to talk to his family and reminded him that family was important and that they loved him. The thought of leaving him at this stage in time and after he had decided to open up to me made me feel terribly bad, so I continued to support him for a few more months because I could see more in him than he did of himself.

    We were messaging one night and had already made plans to see each other the following day, when he suddenly said to me that he did not want me to see him in his current situation. He flipped the switch out of the blue and said he did not feel that the situation was fair for me. I did not respond to his message immediately, but asked the following day what exactly he meant. He stated that he did not want to see me for a while, at least until he could secure a house and a job. But he said he was not leaving.

    I was very heartbroken by his request, and reacted in the way that I usually do when requested to hang around – by saying that I did not want to be a back up plan. That if he did not want me around at the moment, that it probably meant he would not come back into my life. We chatted for a bit and the following day, I messaged him to ask if he was okay. He did not respond to this. Then I messaged him the following day to ask if he was okay. He left me on read for some time. After a while, he asked me to leave him alone, because if I kept trying to talk to him, he would just continue to shut down. He reassured me that he would reach out once he had figured his life out.

    This left me so confused, because in my eyes – I had done everything that I could have done to support him. I try to give him space, but often wonder if he is okay. I have lost a friend to suicide, and it was the most heartbreaking experience I have ever gone through. So it makes me a lot more paranoid to see him withdraw this way.

    His behavior makes me feel as if I did something wrong and I am being punished with the silence treatment (even though I know this is not true. I know I am not perfect). I truly care about this man, that it is so hard to see him push his loved ones away. I just do not know if he will come back into my life, and if he does, what will he be like? Will he, again, fall into the pattern of just concealing things and keeping them hidden until they are very obvious? Or will it be even worse than it was before?

    • Katy says:

      Hi Gaby,

      That happened to me exactly last week and its so frustrating, makes you feel so powerless. I really understand what you’re been through. I find myself thinking the reasons why all my free time and can’t find a solution. My ex still talks to me and tells me so many things still (because before we were in a relationship we were close friends) and I agreed with him that I would go with him to his terapist next time he goes. Two days after the break up he got a job offer which accepted without even thinking and he is moving to other country in less than 3 weeks. I am lost and paranoid too, that even me decided to see a terapist. Just dont blame yourself and if he really prefers you out of his life right now, just try to distract yourself and give it a break. I will try to do exact the same.

      • Anonymous says:

        My husband dosnt want to see me and is ignoring my texts then said to stop harrassing him even though he is miserable that I left, which he told me to do! So confusing!!! So now if I Dont text he will say i didn’t care. Its so nuts its making ME depressed.

    • Stephanie says:

      I am in a relationship with someone who sounds very similar. I swear I was reading about my bf while reading this. He hid the fact that he was unemployed for me for the first few months of our relationship and shuts down from others. He will sometimes not answer his texts or phone for hours on end. His sleep schedule is very erratic as well. His depression is now affecting our level of intimacy. We have been together for almost a year now. In the first 6-8 months it did not affect our level of intimacy. He had tried to break up with me in the past and took it back as well. He has a hard time letting others in and I fear he will shut me out/withdraw from me at any given time. I love him very much and we get along well. His depression has taken its toll though. As it is, I am operating on his schedule to spend time with him now. Unfortunately with depression, it’s when they are willing to do feel, participate and be motivated. Nothing we do or say seems to change that. It can be very hurtful for their partner and come off as cold and selfish.

      • Defeated says:

        This is exactly me too. My bf (at the core) is all kinds of amazing and my kids love him and he loves them but when it comes to me it’s one massive brick wall. We don’t live together. He sleeps pretty much all weekend and when we do see each other it’s at his place. We never ever go out. He comes nowhere with me (my friends joke hes my “imaginary “ bf) and sometimes he goes days without contact. He has a very messy childhood and says he’s tried everything to help. He’s medicated but clearly it’s not working. I’ve grown up with a severely clinically depressed father and sister so I’m not ignorant but what I am is exhausted and frustrated and I am so torn. I want better for my kids and I, but I don’t want to abandon him. It’s really living torture. If anyone has the answer it’d be awesome

  37. Alice says:

    My husband and I have been married 11 years, dated for 5. We have never had sex. He always made excuses. And I always would understand and hope it would get better.
    He is a nice person, never abusive or demeaning to me. So we were always like best friends. Just to give you some history of what it’s like living with his particular depression, he has ruined his job/profession due to depression, his cars have been repossessed, our home foreclosed and he would not tell me when any of these things were happening. I found out after the fact. I begged and pleaded with him to talk to me, tell me what’s going on, we’re partners, I can help, I had money in the bank, I could help him out. He said he felt bad because he wasn’t making enough money and felt shame and couldn’t tell me. Well, if you feel sadness and down all the time and don’t have the confidence to make a change in your life, I guess it’s all downhill from there. Good thing we never had kids. I surely do not understand this kind of thinking. He is on anti depressants now but it’s only temporary. Mental illness I am told tends to get worse as a person gets older. For those of you thinking about getting involved in a relationship with someone suffering from depression, I hope you read this and really think long and hard about making that kind of commitment. Had my husband told me from the beginning that he was diagnosed with depression, I certainly would not have married him. It is devastating to everyone around the depressed person and the jury is still out on what this illness is. Yes, I understand they can be suicidal, but they’re killing everyone around them too. And what I find curious is: Is this depression stuff mainly in the U.S.? Do other people in third world countries get it and just say “I’m sad today. I’m not going to work”? “The house is foreclosing. I don’t want to tell my wife. She will find out anyway”? OMG! There are no words.

    • Nancy says:

      This is my life after 26 yrs of marriage! I have put off seeking counselling but it’s now time b4 I end up in a psych ward. God bless us all!

    • MadMandaar says:

      … You make it sound like depression is a moral failure, or a lifestyle that people choose to live. It is a crippling disease that the sufferer absolutely cannot control. We don’t “decide not to go to work because we’re sad.” There is a MAJOR difference between sadness and depression. Sadness is a mood, depression is a condition, and a horrible one at that. You hurt psychologically. You hurt physically. You feel like you have 500 lb weights tied to every available surface of your being, both inside and out. You feel sick: your head hurts, your stomach cramps and nausea builds. You’re so damn weak that it’s a struggle to drag yourself from the bed to the bathroom. You’re so void of hope that you fail to see the point of anything. You wonder when the world faded from technicolor to the drab grays and brown that now surround you. And, more than anything else, you just want it to go away. Please understand, we do not have the option to just get rid of our depression whenever we so choose. If I had that choice, I would have made it the first time I fell. I don’t have that choice, though, and I am at the mercy of this insidious monster that just keeps attacking me over and over again, its rancid breath filling me, its painful claws and teeth digging deeper and deeper into my flesh. What I wouldn’t give to be able to choose not to feel this way! To be successful, to be proud of myself, god damn it would be so amazing to function, to not be completely overwhelmed and crushed under the weight of facing another day. We’re not bad people, we’re human people with a bad illness. We need the loving support of those who care about us, and if they truly do care about us, I would think they would bother to familiarize themselves with the way our illness affects us and at least try to be understanding.

  38. Monica says:

    My husband suffers from severe anxiety issues and I am sure depression, although to what degree I’m not sure. His mother was manic depressive and had a mental break before abandoning the family when he was young, and his brother suffers from depression and bipolar disorder. As such he refuses to consider that he may need help because he doesn’t want to be like them. The knock on for us as a family is that I have a husband who emotionally checks out from our marriage, is generally anti most social environments and struggles with anxiety when dealing with our daughter, he also hardly sleeps as a result. I try to pick up as much as I can so that he doesn’t have to deal with his anxiety, but between family and running our business I am emotionally broken. I’m exhausted all the time, so our physical relationship is not great, but when he generally speaks to me like I am no better than the dirt on his shoe it doesn’t exactly motivate me to want to be intimate. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s exhausting being on this roller-coaster.

    • Mary- Sue says:

      I have a similar situation as in that my husband is from a family who all suffer from either depression, bi polar, ocd or borderline personality disorder- some with more than one diagnosis. He cannot or will not (I really can’t tell) talk to me about similarities in his own behaviour and really get the help he needs and deserves. He absolutely can’t bear to think he might be suffering a similar illness. He wants to be the one who is successful and well, coping and strong. But our life is a living nightmare. He has a stressful job and is reasonably successful. He is fortunate that his colleagues can read him pretty well and know when to keep a low profile. How he has got this far without any complaints made about his manner astounds me. When he is ill he lacks insight into the affect his moods have on the people he works with. He has a managerial role so people keep quiet. He has upset a few people but generally he sorts of manages to hold it together through the day, people are understanding. He doesn’t reserve the same level of restraint at home and resentment, frustration and anger are order of the day. He is cold, hard and full of contempt. (Not physically abusive but emotionally) His favourite line, if there’s something I disagree with, is ‘we shouldn’t be together’ he wants to separate, leave work- move away etc.
      We have children, it affects them. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and colleagues and though I live more than half my life walking on eggshells, I feel like on the whole I cope.
      What upsets me most is that once he feels better and is rational again he never apologises. He tells other people that it’s just the stress of work, or that he hates winter or summer and a load of other ideas he has to explain his moods but never anything to me- he always tells me it was because of me. Though no explanation as to why.
      When he is happy he is impulsive- books holidays, buys stuff etc then suddenly without warning the moods descend and life is painful- sometimes for weeks. He does take antidepressants but they do little to control the fragile mood swings. I still have some pretty horrible and irrational text messages he has sent me in the past- they remind me how fragile his happiness is and how it can just disappear in a flash.
      The biggest difference between him and his family members who suffer the same, is that they acknowledge it, seek help and support and never try to deny it.
      I seem to live my life via his moods, if he’s ok- make the most of it- if he’s not try not to antagonise him and keep a low profile. He will find fault with whatever I do and can only think about his own feelings. As yet he has not had a full on breakdown- he functions, I feel like it’s me who pays the price.

  39. Anna says:

    While I am not married, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now. I found out after the first few months of us being together that he struggles with depression, but it was never anything he couldn’t handle. He entered the Marines shortly after he finished high school and actually married his high school sweetheart. While overseas, his ex-wife cheated on him several times with many different people. They divorced and he served another tour overseas. They had been divorced for many years before he and I met. His day to day was great, and our relationship started off flawlessly. It was honestly like a fairy tale. But then suddenly something changed, and we had one bad night at a party. Next thing I knew, he ghosted me for a week and a half. After that, we broke up and didn’t speak for three months. That was short-lived, as we became friends again and then slowly began to date. In the fall- around November of this past year (2017)- we officially got back together. Things were good, but I do know he struggles with his depression during the winter months. That was when our issues arose the first time dating, and we kind of chalked up his sadness and anxiety to seasonal depression. He and I are long distance- we live almost 4 hours apart. We had made plans months ago that he would be changing jobs and moving to my state. One of the contributing factors to his depression is that he never got into a career that pursued his passions. He has always had jobs that provided and that satisfied him for awhile, but he has yet to find his true career. Moving to my state was the obvious choice- I have more opportunity here, as well as he is surrounded by people who live in borderline poverty and don’t care to achieve otherwise. I mean no disrespect to low-income communities, but these are his words having grown up in that environment he would rather finish his college degree and get a different job. Moving here makes sense and it was really his choice and not mine. Well now we are a couple months from when he was supposed to move, and he has fallen into a state of depression once again. We are barely talking on the phone, and he switched to night shift which is worse for me because we are now not only long-distance, but we are opposite schedules. He sleeps for 12+ hours a day now. I assumed it was just him adjusting to changing job hours, but it’s been 3 weeks and I feel if anything he could be setting alarms and sticking to that in order to communicate with me. We have had this conversation several times- he knows what I need and while he is aware I support him while he works through this, I have said time and time again I need to at least see he is trying. This fall of depression kind of came out of nowhere- I’m not sure what happened and my only guess is that he doesn’t have the money he thought he would in order to move when we thought. At this point, I am writing I guess for support and advice. I love him, and I know I will always love him, but I can’t keep being long distance with someone who is distant. If anyone has any words of wisdom, books, or anything to pass along to me, I would so appreciate it.

    • Sara says:

      I can relate to this a 100%.

      I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. We are also long distance, although we live in different countries and we have a 6 hour time difference (so you can imagine how that is). We had the most beautiful relationship ever. It was surreal and I really thought we were soulmates or something. He actually moved to my country a year ago so we could live together and after 2 months here, he started acting really weird and one day told me about his depression and that he had been hurting himself physically and that he needed to go back to the US. He just bought a plane ticket and left the next day. 5 months later he tried to kill himself and spent 2.5 months in a mental facility. I had no contact in those months with him and his family was pretty much blaming me for the incident (I can’t understand why) they didn’t let me talk to him on the phone and well it was a mess. Once he was released, it seemed like the depression got better and he was really sweet again and engaged in the relationship and we were improving a lot as a couple, but then out of nowhere again the same thing. He starts to withdraw and not text me back or call me and then he lied to me saying his phone wasn’t working but that he actually wanted to talk to me (and this has been going on for 6 months now). Nothing is ever fixed, he lacks the ability to fix anything and work on anything.

      I got to the point where I can’t take it anymore and I told him that he needs to take care of himself and his problems so he one day he’ll be ready to be in a relationship. Dealing with this for almost 2 years now and nothing seems to get better and he is not trying to go see a therapist or take any medication.

      I guess what actually bothers me is his lack of motivation to do anything and get some help. He sees how much he hurts me, how much I suffer and being long distance I can’t do anything to help him. He has to be the one that wakes up and take action. I will be here to support him. Always. But he needs to do it on his own and understand that you can’t neglect someone for that long and not do a single thing to make your situation better. It makes me so sad to see that he is wasting his life, but I guess I can’t force him to see this.

      My advice is that you need to push him to seek help and until that happens you won’t be able to have any kind of relationship with him. Being in a relationship with someone without being able to have a relationship with yourself is not possible. You can’t love someone when you don’t love yourself. Be supportive and be there, let him know that you are there and you care for him and love him, but from a distance so he has to be the one to take these steps.

      Take care. I hope everything gets better for you

  40. Kaycee says:

    My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 7 years, and have 2 daughters aged 2 and 7. About 4-5 months ago he switched jobs and was working 12 hour days trying to prove himself as a hard worker. I know he was trying to provide for his family but the adjustment took a toll on our family. I felt like a single mom, I was running a household, raising our kids and keeping a full time teaching job. I was exhausted and I know wasn’t showing him attention. We started going to see a marriage counselor, we had gone to see her in previous years so he was very willing to go with me. After couple months, I found out he had been talking to another woman he met online that lives 2 hours away. I was crushed! Lots of childhood trauma came out during our counselor trips that he has actually started to by himself as well. He claims that this girl was someone he confide in because he didn’t care for her and she couldn’t hurt him. I found text messages between them where she was sexting him, however weirdly he was responding very short, ok, nice, thanks, which is unlike my husband. They were exchanging I love you s. However, he has snuck around behind my back and meet her about 6 times. Well now his depression has set in and now he questions whether he needs to move out and his feelings for me. He knows he loves me just doesn’t think the feelings are as deep. He is a hunter/ fisher so now he finds excuse to go hunting about 1-2 a week overnight. I know he is going hunting sometimes but I fear he is getting closer to her while away. If not meeting up with her. He knows I’m being a supportive/ patient as I know how but feel he is taking advantage of the situation. If I bring up “the girl” or issues in our marriage he brings up the depression and that I’m not being patient. I love him dearly and want to be here for him, but I don’t like this emotional rollercoaster. My 7 year old is affected and starting to act out. I just wish things could go back, I miss my husband. Intimacy is not an issue, but he is definitely selfish In the bedroom and feel it’s not necessarily about wanting me but fullfilling his needs.

  41. Kirsty says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for 8 short months but I have never loved anyone like him. For the first time today he opened up about the way he feels (or doesn’t feel more so) and although I kept it together while he was talking, once I got home I fell to pieces. He is the most kind affectionate and loving person one day, then the most hurtful cold person the next. He says that he resents me for not letting him leave this world that he hates and that it makes no difference to him if i’m around or not. The worse thing is that he says he is the way he is because of his ex, but he can’t see that he is now doing the exact same things to me that she did to him. He’s just so angry at everything and everyone and I struggle to show him that I am here for him no matter what. Then I feel selfish for making it about me. How do I get us both through this?

    • Ellen says:

      I know how you are feeling — this is never easy as you love your boyfriend and see only the good things about him. These are all good things, but you have to ask yourself the questions — are his true colors coming out? Can you live with a man that accuses you and blames you for HIS problems? What is HE doing to face his feelings? I am facing a similar experience with my fiancee currently, but have been working out the hurt and unsaid feelings together, little by little, piece by piece, everyday. We have been able to work on this together because we are both willing to be better for each other. Is your boyfriend willing to be better for you? He needs to know how he is making you feel, you should not suffer for his problems. Tell him honestly and kindly of your feelings, and if he doesn’t understand and or doesn’t care, then perhaps he isn’t the one for you. If he says he resents being with you, then to me that’s a sign that he doesn’t care about you.

      My fiancee and I are still working out the hurt between us, but if your boyfriend is willing to work things out, see from your perspective and try to understand and change, then stick with him. If not, perhaps it’s best he isn’t in your life.

  42. SF13 says:

    My husband of 15 years, suffered from depression when he was younger, in his mid 20s, to the point that he was suicidal. Luckily it wasn’t successful. This all happened before we met. Now, it seems that he has sunk into a depressive state again and from what it seems, the onset was a few years ago, but has surfaced just the past 6 months or so. I don’t think he is acknowledging fully that he is feeling depressed, and 2 months ago I found out that he betrayed our marriage by keeping the fact that he was spending a fair bit of time talking to another woman and lying to me about it (I was never a controlling wife, I have always trusted him and he was always free to spend time with friends after work if he wanted to. I didn’t even question him when he was supposedly working late everyday for the months). He claimed there wasn’t anything physical, and that emotionally, he hasn’t quite crossed the line yet, but it was still very damaging to me and our relationship. Since then, I have been trying my best to be patient and understanding with him, all at the same time coming to terms of my own internal damages that he has caused with his action. And it seemed that he is indirectly putting a lot of blame on me for his action and also for how he is feeling (we relocated from different countries twice due to job opportunities for me which he did encouraged, but now it seemed that he is blaming me for the relocation that has caused him a lot of emotional distress due to adapting to new work cultures and mentality). I feel so drained, tired and hopeless. Whenever I sense that he is troubled, I try to get him to open up by asking if he would like to talk about it, but as a result he would snap at me but then would apologise. I know I have to take care of myself in order not to suffer the same fate (I have an anxiety disorder, and since 2 months ago, I have had 3-4 panic attacks/breakdowns) because I know I have to be strong for our 2 kids, but I find that I am struggling. Some days I really feel like it is best for me to take the girls and leave, and perhaps I can find happiness somewhere else, but being with my husband for 15 years, I feel guilty. But every day that passes, I feel less and less connected to him, more and more frustrated with the situation and the feelings for the relationship diminishing. I also mourn how our relationship was, and I know that it will never be the same, but how can I keep the good memories we had in the past years without reflecting on it and feeling sad that it’s so different now? Do I have to take all these memories, lock it up in a chest and throw it away? I used to be a very cheerful, happy and confident person but lately, the situation has zapped me of all these positiveness and I am now left broken and lost.

    • Kaycee says:

      I hate to hear you are going through this but I can totally relate. I am going through something similar with my husband. We have been together for 12 years, married 7 years, and have 2 daughters aged 2 and 7. About 4-5 months ago he switched jobs and was working 12 hour days trying to prove himself as a hard worker. I know he was trying to provide for his family but the adjustment took a toll on our family. I felt like a single mom, I was running a household, raising our kids and keeping a full time teaching job. I was exhausted and I know wasn’t showing him attention. We started going to see a marriage counselor, we had gone to see her in previous years so he was very willing to go with me. After couple months, I found out he had been talking to another woman he met online that lives 2 hours away. I was crushed! Lots of childhood trauma came out during our counselor trips that he has actually started to by himself as well. He claims that this girl was someone he confide in because he didn’t care for her and she couldn’t hurt him. I found text messages between them where she was sexting him, however weirdly he was responding very short, ok, nice, thanks, which is unlike my husband. They were exchanging I love you s. However, he has snuck around behind my back and meet her about 6 times. Well now his depression has set in and now he questions whether he needs to move out and his feelings for me. He knows he loves me just doesn’t think the feelings are as deep. He is a hunter/ fisher so now he finds excuse to go hunting about 1-2 a week overnight. I know he is going hunting sometimes but I fear he is getting closer to her while away. If not meeting up with her. He knows I’m being a supportive/ patient as I know how but feel he is taking advantage of the situation. If I bring up “the girl” or issues in our marriage he brings up the depression and that I’m not being patient. I love him dearly and want to be here for him, but I don’t like this emotional rollercoaster. My 7 year old is affected and starting to act out. I just wish things could go back, I miss my husband. Intimacy is not an issue, but he is definitely selfish

  43. Orlando says:

    All I have to say is my experience has been very painful my wife of 18 years,fell to Abigail bout with depression,I felt the rejection,the loneliness,did not have any idea what was going on she would shutdown on me,if I said anything she would jump all over the place,and tried to make me feel guilty about her problems, I lasted about 1 week feeling really confused and no idea what I was doing wrong, after a couple of weeks went by I decided that we were in trouble,my solution was to tell her that I needed to know how she felt on that one particular moment so that I could support her in the most appropriate way,that there was nothing I could do for her if she would not let me in her life, I did educated myself on the subject of depression after 2 weeks of me saying that to her she finally opened up,and she has made lots of progress
    ,we are having lots of talking being intimate, talking about life in general. My advice to all spouses out there educate yourself and be patient she needs la loving partner

  44. Tania says:

    My husband and I have been married for 15 years. About 4 years ago he suffered a major depression and was hospitalized. He owns his own small business so I took a leave of absents from job to run the business & take care of him and our girls. He slowly recoverd and up until a month ago things were great. He is now going through another depression, luckily he hasn’t needed hospitalization this time. Right now I’m struggling. I go to work all day and get several text messages or phone calls because he’s having difficulty coping. I come home from work and I feel like it’s a constant therapy session that I’m not qualified to lead. I’m also doing everything around the house and with our girls. I’m having a hard time sleeping because I’m anticipating what the next day will be like. I know I’m supposed to take care of myself also, but there’s never an opportunity for it. I make a date to go to yoga and then have to cancel because he’s not coping and needs me. I’m so torn! And frustrated and deflated 🙁

    • Mark says:

      I feel exactly the same, my wife had very bad depression a few years ago and we got through it together but just before Xmas it came back with a vengeance, it is now mid February and it’s worse than ever and I am struggling to cope. I too am trying everything to make her happy, doing housework, looking after the kids, trying to offer a shoulder to cry on, but it’s starting to grind me down, I come home from work and it feels like I can’t do anything to help her. I am just glad it’s not just me who feels like this as I feel like a bad person and selfish for feeling like this about myself while she is ill, I have no one who I can talk to about all of it so just keep it all bottled up and it now feels like it’s eating me up from the inside.

      • Jen says:

        My husband is depressed at the moment, I tried to help but everything I do is wrong. I asked his dad to come and talk to him because i found out he was smoking synthetic cannabis to cope with it. We tried to tell him this was causing his depression but he started to blame me and called me all sorts if awful names, his dad was shocked. I ended up chucking some things in my car and left. I stayed at my mums the night and the next day he said to get my things out of his house. ( we have been together 12 years and married 9). Now he says I left him even though i remind him that he told me to go. He dosnt want anything to do with me but he is miserable. He text me to say my kids will have the house when he dies,which will be very soon. That made me panic. Is he saying that to make me feel bad? Because it worked. But my own health was getting bad, I have bad shaking attacks now when I get upset. We have black and green mould in our very damp house which I think is causing the depression, along with the drug use. What a mess. Do I stay away ? What’s the balance between showing you care and harassing him, which he says I’m doing? Its all so confusing!!

    • Laura says:

      Hi, I feel the same. My partner has been up and down and sometimes I have to give up things I have planned for weeks and I was really looking forward to, to make sure she’s ok. I do everything in the house and I keep track of most things. It is not easy. I try to take care of myself but, as you said, sometimes it is impossible. You are not alone, unfortunately.

  45. K says:

    My boyfriend is currently suffering from depression. He says he’s stopped caring about every thing and I’m struggling to continue to remain patient and understanding. He’s let me down so much in terms of promises recently and doesn’t seem to even realise that the relationship is failing, nor does he seem to care. I don’t know what to do. I just feel angry and hurt, but I care for and love him a great deal. How can I get through to someone who’s literally turned emotionless?

    • A says:

      As someone who is married to someone who struggles with depression, I feel obligated to tell you to think long and hard before making any further commitments (engagement, marriage, cohabitation, etc.) to your boyfriend. It is not his fault that he has depression but in my experience, depression is episodic and recurring. Being the partner of a person suffering from depression is one of the most painful, lonely, draining experiences I can imagine. It is exhausting and terrifying. I love my husband and when he is himself, he is the most wonderful man I know but when he is going through a depression episode, he is a completely different, cold person. To help your boyfriend: show strength and provide support. Don’t try to tell him how to feel. Let him go through it. If he does not receive regular professional help, encourage him to do so in a non-judgmental, loving way. Something that has helped me a lot is: The common enemy is the depression, not the person who has it (this helps me be kind to him when he is being cold to me, due to the depression). Most importantly, take care of yourself (I am trying to do the same): spend time with friends and close family, find one or two close loved ones to confide in, do things you enjoy to do, and make sure you have alone time to decompress. If you can afford to, seek therapy for yourself. Good luck, I know this is hard.

      • Mary-Sue says:

        Absolutely agree with everything there!
        Really there’s nothing you can do but try to hold it together for your family- it’s hard- soul destroying. You invest so much, be the best person you can be try, try not to let your partner down and still end up feeling like the worst person alive. It seems unfair but you have to detach yourself to preserve your own wellbeing. Not be unkind but I call it pulling the shutters down- as far as your relationship is concerned just function and reserve the rest of your emotional energy for yourself and kids/friends etc. It works for me to get me through, it might not for everybody- In the toughest times I treat my partnership as a business partnership- respectful, friendly, functional , brusque and I bring back the rest when it’s safe to do so and I won’t have it thrown back in my face! Like I say it won’t be work for everyone.

  46. Mark says:

    This stuff about being abusive and angry all the time when you are depressed is bullshit. Depressed people hate themselves, not someone else. I have been especially depressed for 2 years, have done outpatient treatment twice, one hospitalization, ECT, many many drugs, nothing has helped. I have recently lost my job because I became incompetent at doing it. I fight suicidal thoughts daily. I am married, my wife doesn’t do anything emotionally to help me, and I don’t think I want her to do so. I just wish I could ask a question about what she just said (because I don’t understand or couldn’t hear) without her being nasty about it. She isn’t affectionate at all anymore, sex is completely gone. She says she wants me to just get better yet acts angry at me all the time and won’t even admit to it when confronted about it. I can’t afford to leave because I lost my job. What do I do? Do I just go ahead and end it all? Nothing is helping and I am not sure anything ever will, the person I used to be is gone forever and I don’t really know wbo I am anymore.

    • alex says:

      Now that your on this site Mark…..try and have a look at another perspective of depression and maybe see if you can see yourself in any of the other folks depression……..See if you can see what your wife is trying to also deal with also……you’re not gone forever, you can still see your world and with time you can fix things Mark

    • Kim says:

      Hi Mark,

      i think maybe it may help if your wife educates herself about mental health disorders such as depression anxiety and anger?

      Hope you can figure it out – suicide doesn’t disappear when you are gone the pain is passed to your loved ones eternally.


  47. Paula says:

    My husband,declared he didn’t love me anymore, this came as a bolt out of the blue. After he realised how devastating those words had on me, he took off and very nearly succeeded in taking his own life. He admitted later that he had felt depressed for months and didn’t know how to handle it. We are working on building up our marriage, but for me, I have all these fears and thoughts in my head, I am finding it hard to function. I give my husband all the support I can, I know we will stay together, but our lives will never quite be the same again

    • Kayla says:

      I’m so sorry to hear that. My boyfriend and I just realised his problem with depression. I’m always angry and he’s always doing selfish and reckless things. When I had enough and kicked him out of our bedroom to sleep in the guest he finally opened up to me. Nothing makes him happy right now and he’s felt thisbeay before. Months of no happiness and using things to distract him from it. I’m proud of you for sticking with him i feel as if certain people are in our lives for a reason.

  48. Charm says:

    For the most part of five years my partner has been depressed. There have been periods here and there that he has felt good, but for the most part he has been very very down. I hate sounding so selfish, but it has really began to take its toll on my emotional well being. I feel like I am constantly emptying my own cup to try fill up someone else’s and in the process I have hurt and lost myself. I used to be such a happy positive person and now I am so down and negative. I try my best to pull myself out of this funk but I have let someone else’s pain and sadness drain me from my own light. It’s so hard to find a balance of being there for someone while taking care of yourself as well. I have put someone else’s needs before my own for so long that I have completely lost myself. Im finding it harder and harder to be the kind caring empathetic person I have always been. I’m starting to feel anger and resentment and sadness towards my partner when I shouldn’t because I have allowed his energy to get to me so much. I don’t know what to do or how to improve this situation. Both of us being so sad now isn’t helping anythingor anyone. I truly deeply love my partner and I want us to both be happy and healthy but I’m not sure how to do that

    • A.J. says:

      I can relate on so many levels, I don’t quite feel like I’m empty yet, but I feel that it’s near, and I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety lately, and I really feel my health declining. I feel like my wife’s depression is pulling me in, and I’m even more afraid because growing up, before we even met, I suffered from moderate depression, something I learned to manage on my own with a lot of falling and getting back up along the way since my parents are from an area where getting mental health help was looked down upon.
      I’ve only begun to do research on my current situation, but I keep thinking of the old airplane anology, put on your oxygen mask before helping someone else put theirs on, if you both fall into depression it will be much much harder to see the light. Do what you can to bring your strength back up to keep on fighting for a better life.

      Look into any available EAP programs you may have access to, support groups, individual, and couples counseling, anything positive to keep you afloat. Wishing the best.

  49. Troy says:

    My wife of 25 yrs has gone thru multiple bouts of “deciding if she loves me”. She has cheated 1 time I know of. Now she hits me with it again. I forgave the cheating ,probably stupid and I should have left. I love her. I cannot keep going with her “decisions”. She is in therapy and that hasn’t helped us at all. I have so much I rely on her for, my trust my love. Now those are being tossed aside because of depression-abuse as a child from a grandparent that resurfaces. I love her-with my entire heart. This crushes me.

  50. Sheilah says:

    My 66 year old partner is depressed, wont see his p doc and as of today is not going to attend an already planned Christmas day with me. He has a flat affect, is taking his psych meds isnt going to his AA meetings…he is sober 29 years…and says no one can help him as he cannot help himself. He said no dr. Can give him a pill to make him happy. He works for himself and is worried about money. He is a contractor.
    constantly worried abou

  51. karen says:

    My husband was officially diagnosed as chronically clinically depressed six years ago. After spending years not knowing what was wrong with him, I flat out said that he needed to go to the Dr and be honest as to how he was feeling, acting. If he would not go, I could not stay. We raised four children (now grown) together.

    He has high blood pressure, heart problems. He lost his job, we lost our house, and his Dad passed away in one year. However, he still drank, was aggressive emotionally and verbally and was not interested in seeking employment. He was put on medication that had to be adjusted. Since he was going to the VA, he was required to take classes, then was not honest when I asked if I could also go or seek help together to enable assistance/help in discovering what best ways I could assist. He was very manipulative, and I was unsure how to help, or when he was just pushing my buttons.

    It became so bad that I left for a few months. Came back because he promised he would stick with a plan to get help (has not). We currently work outside the house but he is hostile, a bully, rude to me. So much so that I had two employees ask me if I was ok, and one of them shared that they almost said something back to him. This is crossing the line in acceptability for me and the company. He will NOT listen if I try to calmly escort him to a quiet private area to communicate.

    We work the same amount of hours, but once we are home, he isolates himself, does nothing to help – no cleaning, no laundry, hasn’t cooked a dinner in over 6 years. I feel abandoned, angry, fearful and lonely. Frankly, I don’t want to even be with him when he is acting like this, it is like walking on eggshells, and often manipulative – freeing him up to watch sports on tv or whatever he wants undisturbed. I can’t get him to do anything outside the house with me, unless it is going out to eat.

    Yet, get him in the middle of friends, and he is charming, chatty and full of humor. I have had many comment that he is one funny guy, how lucky I am. How can someone turn this on and off like this?

    I do love him. But this is so hard!

    I am weary.

    • Monica says:

      I too am dealing with this. We have been together for two years and it’s hard to say the least. I am trying to figure out how to help him and save myself heartache. He is so emotionally and verbally abusive and threatens our relationship one day and the next tells me he loves me. He’s on meds but I don’t feel like they work. He sometimes says everyone loves me and you think I’m awful. (i never say that by the way, I do though point out his behavior) Around his family and friends and co- workers he’s a different person. I am rambling and I know that but I’m lost. He wants me to motivate him and support him but he’s making it impossible.

    • Jennifer says:

      My husband was depressed and couldn’t fix it ,he took his own life because of depression

      • John says:

        So sorry to hear this. My dad did the same thing 4 years ago and my wife attempted suicide just before Christmas… I don’t know what to do to help.

  52. Vikki says:

    Depression goes hand in hand with negative thought patterns. You find yourself ruminating about the painful past or feeling anxious about an uncertain future. And as you lose faith in yourself that you can pull through adversity, you learn to practice negative self-talk and adopt other unhealthy habits. You start to become unkind to yourself. You or people you love may be struggling with this condition in silence. The more you understand, the sooner you can start dealing with depression.

    • Ofa says:

      Hi Vicki, my husband is depressed and I get the blunt of it all. I am trying to be strong and keep my family together. He can be so unkind towards me….im struggling, I can’t even leave because he is the breadwinner, we don’t have families close by to turn to….i still love my husband, I try and tell him everyday how much, but I don’t get anything back from him. I feel hate from him towards me…. I’m su king it up for the sake of my family….


  53. Kaity says:

    My partner became depressed after I found out I was pregnant (she just turned 3). And many things have since contributed. Before his depression, he’d always had random bad days but was typically energetic, fun, and happy.

    At first, I didn’t understand his depression. I didn’t even see it as depression. All I saw was what I ‘needed’ from the partnership and what I wasn’t getting. I wanted a doting, loving partner and father. I wanted him to be happy with what he had, grateful. I wanted him to want it. I wanted him to stop drinking. I wanted him to come home after his night shift. I wanted my old partner and an ‘ideal’ father. I was barely getting anything I wanted and I was mad! This isn’t the relationship I wanted! He’d come home and rage and I would rage back, angry and unaware. There was a lot of disrespect, selfishness, and misunderstanding.

    It’s been a process.

    His depression got worse when his best friend died of a traumatic brain injury. It was extremely impactful. His friend was kind, supportive, and ambitious and had a way of motivating my partner in a way no one else ever could. He gave him faith that you can make moves and acheieve your goals. He was a very successful, admirable human. No one can fill this void.

    Aware of these immense changes in his life, aware of his upbringing (he’s been through a lot), aware of his unhappiness, I still didn’t understand depression and I was still angry and offended, sometimes rightfully.

    Sometimes I was mistreated, verbally abused. He’d lie, try to sneak around with other woman and became an alcoholic (makes the depression soooo much worse) I’ve been through a lot. I still go through a lot. And anger is ok when depression crosses into abuse… depression and alcohol fuel low impulse control and can lead to abusive behavior, but it’s no excuse. We’ve made good progress, which is why we’re still together. I also learned how to better deal with him when he is in a drunk, depressed state. Reacting with anger is harmful.

    Anyways, almost 4 years later (1 yr separated) I’m only now beginning to understand his depression. I had to rethink everything and try a new approach. I was angry and emotionally dependent and it was unhealthy for everyone. Lately I really try to listen to my partners depression. To understand why. What are his depressive thoughts? Can he change any of this? If yes, how? If no, then how can he cope? What are his depressive habit? What are his healthy habits? What does he respond well to? What makes things worse? ( I also ask myself, What is my limit? How long can I put in this effort? How can I remain emotionally independent?)

    If he feel helpless, I shower him with hope. If he drinks, I let him. I’m not forcing anything on him. I don’t want/need anything. Sometimes wanting and needing things from your partner can be so oppressive. It just makes depression worse.

    Don’t tell your partner to change, to take drugs, see a dr. Don’t tell them they need help. It will just make them feel inadequate. Don’t tell them what they need, tell them what they have. Tell them what they’re great at, why you love them. Tell them what makes them amazing. Help them become aware of how powerful they are, what they’re capable of. They can get through this. Focus on small goals. Stay emotionally independent and let them be them and you stay you. Give your partner a massage! Take walks! Talk about beautiful thoughts! Learn relaxation techniques and practice them together! When there is darkness, show them the light. And if your light burns out it’s ok. Your life is for you, never sacrifice your happiness for someone else. If you can happily help your partner, that’s amazing. But if you miserably help your partner, you’ll both be miserable. Learn your limits.

    • Kaity says:

      **I say don’t tell them they need help because they’re likely aware that they do. Talk about options and listen to what they think about each one. Don’t push anything. Also research medications thoroughly before taking anything and look into alternatives. Pills aren’t necessarily the solution.**

      ~just an opinion from experience.. depression is extremely complex

    • Katie says:

      This all sounds great, and everything I read tells me to “be positive” “don’t put pressure on him” “make him feel great about himself”.

      But what about me? I’m so angry with how my partner is treating me, how he’s ruining both of our lives with his depression. Sorry, I can’t just all of a sudden be like, “wow aren’t you SOOO amazing you cooked dinner after sitting around the house all day while I’ve been at work trying to make enough money for us to pay our mortgage”.

      I feel like I need a labotomy or personality transplant to remain super happy, positive and supportive when my husband shouts at me for “not respecting him” when I want to put onions in our spag bol, or tells me that if I’m so worried about money “I should go get a better paying job”.

      My partner needs to change, take drugs, see a doctor, something. I don’t have any “beautiful thoughts” anymore. I just feel completely drained and hopeless.

      • Kaity says:

        Well you resent him. He’s made life hard for you. It’s fine to be angry. I still get angry. And besides, we’re in very different situations. We’re all different and I don’t know anything about your lives or what will work for you. I only know about mine.. and I try new things and some work and some don’t..

        I used to be angry all the time and depressed and he was honestly a lot worse then. He used to rage and get violent and I was miserable. I cried all the time and felt trapped. I couldn’t help him then and I didn’t care to. He didn’t deserve my help. All I could do then was leave… Save myself and our babe.

        But when I came back we had both changed. He still drank and lied and had a miserable attitude, but he wasn’t really violent. Now my pain is different. It’s hard to be around negativity, to see him sad and helpless. I want him to be a role model for our daughter and I’m scared he’s teaching her depressive behaviors.. and it just hurts to see him hurt. So I truly want to help him.. and that’s what I’m trying. I know it’s not a universal solution to depression. It’s MY solution and so far it’s working for me. But I know it can’t last. I have an escape plan… in case one day I break. But for now, I’m hopeful and committed.
        And I’m also putting more energy into myself than I have in a long time. I can detach from my relationship and focus on myself, which I wasn’t able to do before. I can let him be miserable and I can let it go (not always.. maybe half the time?? It’s something I really have to control..) I can accept my state of life and not let it bother me (most of the time).

        But most importantly, I learned that I control my life, and ultimately my own happiness.. do you really want to commit to this relationship if it’s draining all the beauty from your life? You can’t force him to get the help he needs. You can only get the help you need. Maybe you deserve a chance with someone who doesn’t treat you this way. Or maybe you’d just be happier on your own. You know you could do it. Idk what your solution is. The only thing I DO know is that you shouldn’t rely on him changing to be happy. What if he never changes? Are you willing to risk being unhappy until you die?

        You’re drained… but you’re not hopeless. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe if you can’t escape physically you can mentally.. maybe find some beauty again. When you’re away from your husband, when you get a break from him… don’t think about him. There are billions of beautiful thoughts in you. Search for them and focus on them if you can. He’s miserable, but you don’t have to be. Even if you are struggling financially and he’s a dick to you.. there’s plenty more to life.

        I don’t have answers for anyone.. including myself… just suggestions. Maybe they’re good, maybe not. Idk. Regardless, I like to express my thoughts and listen to others’.. it helps me.

      • J says:

        This is pretty much how i f eel. I try not to react to her moods, accusations, blame constant negativity etc. I try and stay positive and try not to let it effect me in front of the kids but no matter what i do or dont do, suggest or try I cant seem to make her happy and yes i feel like a failure for that even if I know its not my fault. But now I’m starting to feel angry and resentful, why should she be so unhappy all the time, I try so hard but what about me being happy, that doesnt seem to enter the equation.

        • Kaity says:

          It’s easy to get angry and resentful. No one wants their partner to make life hard, no one likes negativity. And it’s your relationship, doesn’t everyone want/deserve a relationship that’s enjoyable? And it’s even harder when you’re a parent… But she can’t even make herself happy, she’s not going to make you happy. The only person who can do anything about that is you. Happy people have happy relationships, but relationships don’t make people happy. Its unfair to place that responsibility on someone else. So of course you’re overwhelmed. You’re trying to take on that responsibility for her.

          Just support and encourage her and accept her depression without judgement, because that’s all you can do for her. She doesn’t want to be depressed any more than you want her to be depressed and you might never understand why shes not happy..

          No matter what you do, this is going to be challenging. If you stay you have to learn to cope, if you leave you have to deal w that drama. But even though it’s hard and not ideal, it doesn’t have to make you unhappy. This is something you have to face regardless of how you feel about it. You can face it and feel shitty or you can face it and feel strong and resilient. It might not feel like a choice, but it is… and don’t forget to recharge and put energy into yourself and things/thoughts that make you happy. It feels natural to focus a ton of energy on your problems (cuz you want to fix them), but sometimes it’s just a waste. Sometimes energy is better spent enjoying the gift of life. Isn’t that why people get depressed anyways? Their perspective of life becomes scewed and they focus on negativity and forget the positivity. Don’t let that happen to you.

      • Jennifer says:

        That’s how I felt I couldn’t be treated like crap anymore

  54. Jessica says:

    I’m literally drowning, my husband has been depressed for over 10 years now. I feel like he is killing me. I am completely isolated to my house. If I go any where or do anything he gets angry and I spend days getting yelled at. I am so tired. I can’t take it any longer. My children want to leave. My oldest hates coming home and when he is home, he hides in his room. He doesn’t even want me to talk to my parents because they are mad at him for the way he talks to me and the kids. I stopped by for 30 minutes tonight and he called me yelling. I came home to find my kids in hysterics because he was screaming at them. I have no friends left, they were tired of being embarrassed in public by him screaming at me. He has been hospitalized 3 times for over a month each time in the last 10 years. But he doesn’t continue treatment or medicine. He said it makes him feel bad. I can’t take another 10 years of this. I try to talk to him about how he’s feeling and try to be understanding. I used to be very passive when he got angry, now I am very combative. I just can’t listen to the nastiness anymore. Every one hates him, nobody wants him around, my oldest(his step son) doesn’t like him…… always the same thing over and over for the last 10 years. Hell his own parents want nothing to do with him. Any ideas before I hit the road?

    • Kaity says:

      Leave asap and stay kind. Don’t be hurtful because he’s hurt you. You need to work hard to break the negative cycle and not carry it with you. Don’t carry the anger, the hurt, the negativity. You need to cultivate positive thoughts and a healthy life. So make sure that when he’s not around anymore you stay emotionally detached from him. No one can make you unhappy, only you’re in control of your happiness.

    • Ann says:

      I have put up with the same thing for 20 years and felt so trapped. Our children hate him. He recently threatened suicide when attending a hospital appointment and was sent to A&E, I left him there and have since refused to have him discharged to my care, he was dragging me down with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I am relieved he is gone and so are the kids. I feel like I sound evil, but its taken two decades of emotional abuse and his empty promises and manipulation to realize my life with him will never change

  55. Iris says:

    It is difficult to tackle a disease such as depression; especially when it is your spouse who suffers from it. I am happy to see you write an article from the perspective of an unaffected spouse. You have brought forth sensitive issues, like abuse and violence inflicted by a depressed spouse. There is indeed a very thin line between the behavioral changes that a spouse should endure and instances which are downright harmful. Under no circumstance should a person blame himself or herself for this situation and be willing to be subjected to violence and abuse; no matter how much one loves his/her spouse. Seeking medical intervention and psychiatric counseling have proven the most effective ways to tackle these issues in my opinion.

  56. brenda says:

    HI everyone, My husband of 11 years is clinically depressed, in March he was admitted to rehab for alcohol abuse, he spent 21 days in hospital and came out and bought a bottle, he never went in with the intention of giving the bottle up, he kept on telling himself that he does not have a drinking problem & going to rehab was going to help him feel better or get away from the world for a few days, he has fallen off the bandwagon almost every month so far, missing work when its pay day and a few days later… he withdraws from the world and goes into a complete dark hole, shutting out everyone around him, he ends up drinking every single day for up to 10 days straight, and I have to pick up the pieces and make things right, I have to control the finances because he was brought up in that way that his mum controlled his dad’s finances and the daily running of the home, I had automatically gain that responsibility when we got married, so when I just mention we are unable to buy a bottle, all hell breaks loose and he withdraws, drinks, lay in bed all day, watch tv, eat and will not even pick up a paper lying on the ground. I pretty much act like the mother & father in the house to our two kids, aged 7 & 4. they have even gotten used to the routine at home when dad is depressed! I dont know what to do anymore as this man is a loving, kind person when not depressed and drunk. I have no place to go as his salary pays for the home, and I do not have anyone to go to.

    • Emily says:

      Brenda I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this situation. It’s strange, as I was reading your story before I saw your name, I was thinking… “is this my Mum?” Then I saw the ages of your kids and the date (pretty recent) I hope you are feeling ok today. I am now 26, but what you are going through is so much like what my mum had to deal with in the 28years of marriage they’ve had. I am second oldest of 4, I have an older sister and two younger brothers and the way that you’ve inherited all the family responsibility is exactly like Mum and my sister and I because we weren’t a) older and b) girls. In our growing up years, there was never money for anything because Dad would be blowing it at the pokies and grog to try to numb out the responsibility of life and a family which he clearly was never prepared for because his mum basically treated him like a pharaoh and of course Nan will say the old classics like “that’s how it was back then” or “it’s a mans world” or “we women have to be strong”. When I was 15, and my sister was 17, I had such a resentment toward my dad because of the way he treated my mum and made her so stressed and how shit and depressed I felt because my house was always so depressive and I just ran away aftet I stood up to him one day when he was being an arsehole to my sister. I ran to my Aunty (his sister) and stayed there for a while during that time she actually intervened and the whole situation (him not being able to hold a job, me running away, him developing problems in his liver because of his alcoholism) pushed him into doing rehab. This time was, excuse my language, FUCKED. He was on Valium from the doctor so he would just stay in bed vomiting and sleeping all day, this lasted for months. I felt so sad because I love my dad, he was a lovely man before he became so afflicted. So talented with wood and so adventurous and funny, he never would hurt a fly – but the drunk dad was like he was possessed. So anyway, as time went on there have been ups and downs and as soon as I was 18 I got my lisence and my sister and I moved out to our own house – that was my life objective at that point. Now this is bad because instead of going to uni, I was focused on getting a full time job so I could afford to rent my own house. But anyway my final years at high school were hard because of all the family shit, I spent a lot of time staying at my best friends house which affected me a lot negatively too because I had a dependence and envy for her that really damaged my self esteem even more. So that’s just my bag of problems, my sister suffered from cystic acne, weight problems and psychosis. But now for the silver lining, my mum is a little punk. She would resist so much being put in the role that would enable my dad, and although my Nan would criticise her heavily for allowing the house to always look like shit and the dishes go unwashed and things to always be in a shambles, she was not going to keep it all inside and let it destroy her while maintaining an image. We are not a perfect family, and there is no cure for this shit but what happened to me and my sister was we got a lot of life lessons really young. My sister managed to get her weight under control after surviving an eating disorder, she went on to do a Certificate in business and then she did a diploma of Beauty Therapy, not for any other reason but to learn what was going on with her skin and she had the internation to help other young girls with information by going to schools and talking about skin care. She then decided to be become vegan and to embrace a quiet country life, looks beautiful and has a heart of gold and so wise. She is 27, has a loving partner that is very protective of her and is weary but kind and understanding of my dad and his difficulties. She brings my dad so much joy, she holds no resentment and she just is amazing, they help him all the time with borrowing tools, and he makes things for her and it’s really lovely to see how he lights up when they come around. I, after my own turn at a 6 year abusive relationship found my way out by taking to meditation and self help books. That helped me to understand my own depression and regain some strength to follow my dreams. I started to play music which was my passion and play my own original songs (which were a lot about my relationship with my dad or my own codependent relationship which mirrored that of my mum and dad’s) then I went to do a diploma of music at university, that turned into a year overseas teaching music in China and then I completed a bachelor of music minoring in Visual Arts, which lead me again to China to teach music again and become engaged to a Brazilian Artist. I guess what my story has to offer you is that, life is not supposed to be any one way, and marriages can’t always be perfect and if they aren’t that doesn’t mean that divorce needs to happen or that things are going to be fixed if you take a certain approach. My sister and I are fine, better than most at our age whose families had their own flavour of messed up happening behind closed doors. My brothers are great too, the youngest one has actually been getting my dad work lately and it’s really good. My dad is a troubled dude, he might not ever be “normal” and I think he was kind of fluffed up to be a stud in his ‘prime’ so he could secure a good wife and then it was like ok that’s all the education he got! It’s hard for a young guy like that to suddenly cope with all the responsibility of being a husband and a dad and that pressure can trigger anxiety which leads to depression and I know, because I suffering from it too, how hard it is to get out of. But he is a lot more stable now and I think with time he reflects on things he has done and regrets but then he plods away in the garden and he makes things out of wood (he made all the furniture in our house!) and that’s an outlet for him. My siblings and I always used to think about “what things are going to make him happy?” When we bought him gifts, so he has slowly accumulated tools and gardening stuff and cloths and music stuff through thoughtful gift giving at Christmas and birthdays and stuff. My mum too, she has always been in and out of dad’s vortex, with her pine bouts of alcoholism where she just wanted to be on his level because she missed him. But I guess we’ve all managed to be together for every birthday, every Christmas and every major event despite all the shit. Because we forgive and move on and keep striving for happiness and for each of us to live their individual dreams. It’s hard, my mum would understand you. But just remember you are not alone in the world of women dealing with this and just keep doing your beautiful things that make you happy! For my mum that was singing and reading and cooking interesting dishes and time with her own family. Although many times people told he to leave my dad, she never did and us kids are SO GRATEFUL for that, it taught us all a good lesson in setting boundaries, discation and persistence. All ways follow your heart.

    • Emily says:

      Brenda, I should mention though.., before the rehab phase so when I was about 10-11 just when I was starting my first year high school, my dad came home late from the pokies and smashed up a bunch of stuff in the kitchen and scared my mum when she confronted him about the issue. She asked us all if we wanted to come with her or stay with dad and we all wanted to go with her and she took us to our Granny and grandads ( her Mum and dad ) then we stayed there for a month or so while dad and her worked things out with a bit of space between them. He called her every night sometimes threatening to kill him self if she didn’t bring back his children. It was all emotional abuse and my grandad saw through it and told he to hang up. This was really sad time, but they eventually talked through it and we went for picnics at an old favourite family day trip spot. So when things get out of hand, you know she stood her ground but always with compassion. She hates to do it, she cried every day. But she wouldn’t just lay down and be a doormat for the guy either. So anyway, that’s an example of listening to your heart and going when you need to go, and always respecting your children’s choices. Ok if you need to talk you can email me any time. Xo

  57. Holly says:

    My husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression earlier this year. He was a caring, confident, fun loving man who wouldn’t have a bad word said against me. After a short break away 3 weeks ago, and without any warning signs he went back into the black mood once again. He told me he didn’t love me like he should was a husband and he didn’t want the relationship. Be cries all the time and hates everything and everyone he is just not happy within himself. This was a total shock as he had been doing great for the past 6 months. Due to work commitments he lives in one country and I am in another but we see each other every weekend. This has changed however. He no longer rings or texts me and has just brushed me to one side, it’s like as if he doesn’t care about me anymore. Can someone please help me understand this erratic behaviour as it is killing me inside.

  58. Chiara says:

    My husbans of 20 years is depressed , his change in personality was very rapid , he is in denial and thinks that it is all my fault he either doesnt talk to me anymore or he says nusty thinks like why don’t you leave or don’t touch my coffee…
    Should i say something to him when he makes nusty comments or just ignore? ?

    Chiara .

    • L says:

      Hi chiara,

      I’m so sorry to hear your husband has depression, both because it’s tough on him but by the sounds of it, tough on you too. First- why and how does he think you caused depression? Certainly there are ways of communicating to someone with depression, but I’m going out on a limb here to say, you couldn’t have caused it, depression caused depression (ie brain chemistry, experience, upbringing and trauma).
      Second- Yes it’s horrible that he is struggling to deal wth his emotions, but you shouldn’t have to put up with abuse. You’re a person too and remarks like that will chip away at you, and he has got a choice as to how he EXPRESSES his emotions. If you don’t say something now, you’ll end up saying something later, or you’ll end up feeling pretty depressed yourself, or you’ll eventually leave because things have got so unbearable. It sounds like he’s taking it out on you because you’re the closest person to him, and maybe he thinks you’ll just put up with it out of loyalty? Do you think he might be calling your bluff as a way of trying to deal with what’s going on in his head, perhaps?
      So I would say you need to express clear boundaries as to what you will put up with, be sympathetic of course, but you also need to be strong for both of you. I hope that’s helpful. Xx

      • Chiara says:

        Hi L,

        thanks for your reply. I don’t know why he thinks is my fault. He was the one isolating himself from friends and family. Sometimes I tried to push him a little bit ( before realizing that he was depressed).
        He has one friend left, thanks to me ( i called him and i begged him to stay in touch).
        My husband suffered child abuse (physical and emotional ) by his father and the mother was anabling his father behavior. After an argument with his parents last thanksgiving, his mother stopped calling him ( because she is afraid of her husband).
        Could you give an example of a neutral phrase that i can use when he makes a nasty comment to me. like ” why are you still here? “. I would like him to get treatment regardless the state of our relationship. He used to be a very nice person that didn’t want to become like his father.

        • L says:

          Hi Chiara,
          My boyfriend has depression and he regularly isolated himself from everyone, doesn’t reply to messages and sits in the bedroom with the curtains drawn. It’s a symptom of depression and while it’s happening he’s usually, in his head, telling himself that no one wants to be around him because he’s worthless. When he’s like that I let him know I’m here and that I love him. Usually it’s a case of riding it out because he also suffers from acute anxiety so the two combined are like weathering a storm- there’s not much else you can do. And I get it cos I’ve been there to some extent myself.
          I don’t know your husband and I’ve been brought up to stand up for myself, especially when someone says nasty things to me so I can’t tell you what to say, but my instinct here is that he’s acting up because the depression is making him defensive? All you can do in that instance is tell him you love him and that you want things to get better. Keep remembering the depression isn’t about you, which of course is really tough when they’re saying really personal things. But like I said as well, you have to make it clear as well that you’re human and you can only take so much- just maybe not in the same sentence if he’s asking you why you’re still here- if that makes sense? Sorry, It’s early morning here so what I’m trying To say is not coming out very concisely! What I mean is that you need clear boundaries but he needs to feel safe right now so let him know you’re here and that you love him but save the tough talk for another time- eg if it doesn’t work? If it is he depression talking I imagine he’ll back off from saying nasty things. If not, then only you can call what to do next.
          Have you tried a charity called sane? They’re based in the UK and they have lots of support forums – including one for carers and family members. It’s a really supportive environment and you can just go on there vent, ask for advice and they really do give great advice on there. I think the web add is http://www.sane.org.uk but you can google them easily.
          Hope that helps and best of luck x

          • Chiara says:

            Hi L,

            Thank you very much for. your help and advice.


          • Chiara says:

            Thank you very much for your compassionate advice. Many people think that i should just go to lawyer . I am not ready to do that, he has been a very supportive man for so many years ..and it is very hard for me to see that that person maybe gone forever. I am taking one day a the time.
            Thanks again,

          • Chiara says:

            unfortunately my depressed partner of 20 years attaked me ou o the blue , he told me that i should get the *** out of his house. I calmingly asked him what is going on and we should probably see a doctor, he losted and he started to throw away my stuff in the trash and my clothing outside the door. So had to went out of the house with the dogs and called the cops. With the cops (very inexperienced cops) he changed the story and said that he losted ( i recorded the conversations), because he wants out of the relationship but doesen’t know how to comunicate with me. so felt that he had to be abusive to convince me to leave.. He is deniyng about feeling down or having any other issues.. I think at this point i have to leave, I am very sad . while the cops were present I said that i care about him …and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him..but the cops said that ‘s normal behavior for someone who is trying to end a relationship giving the silent treatment for 2 months and just yelling get the *** out of my house I ate you is all your fault (i dont thinks it is normal ???)

            I was definitely disappointmentrd by the begavior of the police, but I guess he ates even more now..but i did what i thought was right , my once i gone he will realize that he needs help.


  59. chiara says:

    My partner of 19 years, in last 4 months started slowly to isolate himself from friends and family becoming more controlling, always tired, irritable, and in pain ( he suffered depression when he was younger and suffered child abuse ) . I didn’t recognize this possible early signs of depression. After he came back from a trip every time I tried to talk to him, he is insulting me and goes into a rage and wants me leave (saying that I sucked out the life from him). He cannot say exactly what I have done to him, and he never talked about wanting to break up before. We recently bought a house together. I am sleeping in an other room to give him some space after he went onto a rage and I almost called the ambulance. He always watches TV , constantly plays video games, and goes to work. He doesn’t have any real friends or relatives here. One of my colleagues a Psychiatrist suggested to stick with him because is the depression talking. I don’t know how to get through him and getting him to talk normal with me. He is thinking is all my fault, but just weeks before this he wouldn’t do anything without me … I don’t understand it is very hard..

    Do you have any advice ?

    • Donna says:

      I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don’t…reading your story made me feel that you live in my house…you are me! This is the longest stretch of him being depressed to date, almost 2 month’s and I’m exhausted…I have tried everything. I am so lonely and starting to fall under the dark cloud too now.

      • Chiara says:

        Reach to some friend or support group. At the beginning I was ashamed of my situation, but I had to talk somebody. And most of the people I talked to were very nice and showed support.

    • L says:

      Yes try sane charity’s online forums. Really supportive environment with great advice from people who really understand.
      Remember also, you can’t fix him, he has to get better for himself.
      I hope this helps xx

  60. CCX says:

    Seeing that other people have let out everything, I suppose it might be helpful for me to do the same.

    I am not as unfortunate as some of you (for those of you who have had cheating or terribly, terribly depressed partners, I am so sorry). My boyfriend has not cheated on me, nor is it likely that he ever will. He has recently become depressed, although I have suspected that he had some sort of anxiety at the beginning of our relationship. He has frequent anxiety attacks, bouts of depression where he feels literally nothing, and now something that makes it so he is unable to discern reality from a dream.

    Because I need to cope with this situation, I am going to talk about myself rather than him ????. I try to be there for him as much as I can, but we are long distance and I am only able to do so much through texts. I have done all the proper steps– I have listened to him, been there for him, supported him throughout. And yet it still doesn’t feel like I’ve done enough. It feels like I’ve personally let him down because I haven’t done enough to help him when, in reality, I’ve literally done everything I can. The real thing that overwhelms me is my inability to do anything. I feel powerless to help him– when he’s having an anxiety attack or etc, all I can say is “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. It kills me. It kills me that that is all I can say to the person that I love the most. Shouldn’t I be able to do more? Shouldn’t I be able to at least does something that takes away his pain?

    Logically, of course, I know I’ve done all I can. And yet, there’s still a part of me that just screams out to do more and more and more when I can’t do anything else to help him. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything.

    The irrational, self-preserving part of me feels trapped. Sometimes all I do is go walking around while thinking about him and how I feel clausterphobic. He relies too much on me to be his support system (besides his therapist, who appears to be doing her job well), and at times it overwhelms me. It makes me question how much strength I have, and how much burden I can carry before I break under the pressure.

    We have a very good relationship and are additionally each other’s best friends. If I had to leave him for my own sake, it would mean I would have to never talk to him ever again. And I can’t do that. I love him too much– it feels like something would be ripped out of me if that happens. I don’t know if it’s healthy to stay in this. I don’t know. He keeps telling me that I should break up with him, that he’s a failure because he does have depression, and that doesn’t help. I don’t want to think about breaking up more than I already have been.

    I came here to see if I could find any tips on how to best cope with this. If anyone has any additional tips, please leave a comment below. Thanks for listening.

    • Lucy says:

      Hi CCX,

      Oh poppet I hear you trying to be really really honest with yourself. Of course you have feelings like that, you’re going through something really hard and with the distance- you sound really level headed if it helps, don’t beat yourself up for assessing the situation from these different angles, it’s only natural.

      I know you say you ‘can’t do anything’ and of course the distance is a major factor in that, but remember, like other people have written below, part of the territory in supporting someone with these problems is trust. Much easier said than done to not worry so much, but it does really have an impact on both of you. The paranoia that they might do something might well be there whether you’re living together or apart- I worry every time my partner goes near a train station.
      You telling him you love him, and lap the fact that you obviously so genuinely mean it may well register with him, and that support that is only at the end of the phone, or easy for him to read, may even be making a lot of difference to him. You’re doing all you can and you’re only human and please please remember that. Please do not diminish what you do and the support you give. Most importantly and I mean this only to help, but you can’t fix him. And being long distance wouldn’t impact any ability to do so. All you can do is offer support, and let him know he’s loved and that he matters and he’s not alone, which sounds like its what you’re doing. Have you thought about counselling for yourself? I’ve found it very helpful having someone impartial but supporting to let it all out to.
      I really hope you’re ok and that this helped xx

      • Hayley says:

        @Lucy- I have been checking every once in a while to see if your comment has updated on my browser. Thank you so much for your post, it really cheered me up when I read it.

        • CCX says:

          ^^ follow up to that comment. Sorry, I ended up using my real name 😛 but I also meant to add that I am currently seeking counseling, not only for past trauma but for this as well. I’ve also told my mother, and because we have a close relationship, if worst comes to worst I can talk to her about it.

          Thank you so much for the support again.

          • Lucy says:

            Aww you’re very welcome 🙂
            It’s my real name too, it’s ok, talking about mental health helps defeat stigma so I’m happy to put my name next to it x

    • WuHoo says:

      Oh CCX,

      Find some comfort in knowing I am going through a mirror image of your experience. After a month of my man hardly getting out of bed, having violent mood swings and pushing me away, then getting mad at me for not being there, I’m at my breaking point. If there’s a column on how to deal with a depressed lover, I’ve read it. I have, like you, done literally everything possible. I know I can’t help him through his issues if I’m not mentally healthy myself, and his depression IS starting to take a toll on me, but does that make me selfish for putting myself first? I feel like I’m getting kicked around, with no end in sight. When is enough, enough?

      • CCX says:

        @WuHoo- never feel selfish for putting yourself first. You have to look after yourself. I think that, personally (and maybe you’ll agree) that enough is enough when *you* have a realization that you can’t cope with him without taxing your own mental well being. I think that you need to help yourself before you can help him. I don’t know if you’ve had a serious conversation about it, but maybe you should try talking to him about how he pushes you away and then blames you for it. Maybe you can try to either understand him, or make him understand you and your needs. I think that something we both have to recognize is that, at the end of the day, we can only support them as much as we are able. Ultimately, they are responsible for their own decisions; we can positively influence them to get help, take medication, and to make sure they’re safe, but in the end they are their own people. We cannot be blamed for their actions, as they are people independent of us.

        I really think that you should have a talk with him, if you haven’t already. Lay out what you need from the relationship– doesn’t it take two too make a relationship work? Maybe try to have a talk about how to make things easier for you so that you can continue to be there for him.

        But if it really gets bad, I think you should look after yourself. Like I said earlier, you aren’t responsible for him (I realize how cringey that sounds, but it’s partly true). If it gets to a breaking point and breaking up with him is the only option, then do it for yourself. Make sure that you’re alright. Maybe seek counseling, as @Lucy suggested to me.

        Look after yourself and good luck. If you ever need to talk, you are always welcome to post something here and I will respond as quickly as I can.


        • L says:

          Hi wuhoo,

          You are NOT, I’ll repeat it NOT selfish for thinking about your needs as well. If you didn’t think about hat, if you had no concern for yourself and only his problems there would be something for you to worry about in yourself as that would be severely codependent. You MUST think about yourself and what you want if you are to survive this, and help him and even just be able to have a relationship with him. What you are feeling is natural. And, thinking about yourself, unhooking from his energy, can also serve as a reminder that he is a person underneath. Depression is an illness, not a personality trait. Remembering that can work wonders for much needed self kindness and patience- which are two things you really need when supporting a depressed partner.
          I think this has already been said but you can’t fix him. You can support him, let him know you are there, but in the end he has to do the work, you can’t do it for him. Hopefully that will also help you to feel less responsibility towards his illness.
          Only you will know when enough is enough, so trust your gut, try to believe in yourself if you can and know you are not alone, and neither is he. You’re only human and can only do so much. Him knowing that on some level may even help him to find help.
          Please be gentle with yourself, and of course him, though I imagine you already are wth him!
          I hope that’s helpful x

  61. p says:

    Does anyone else ever get really paranoid when their partner is fine (mine is even on antidepressants), but are worrying if another spell is about to happen. I even get paranoid that he’s going to stop taking his pills, as he did in the past. Whenever my partner is unhappy or angry about something I get so worried that it is going to be something more. We are temporarily in a long distant relationship too, which doesn’t help.

    • CCX says:

      @p- oh man, I feel you. My partner and I are currently long distance too, but he’s currently not on pills because he’s worried that it’ll affect his performance in school. I think it’s perfectly natural to feel a little bit paranoid; I myself am nearly always at least a little worried that something happen, it always feels like it’s the calm before a raging storm.

      The way that I try to cope with it is by communicating with him as much as possible and checking in with him in a casual manner every few hours. That may sound overbearing to some, but we have a strong relationship so it’s natural for us. If you don’t communicate frequently, perhaps try that.

      But more importantly, I think the thing we as their partners probably both have to do is trust them and let go. Believe me when I say this, I understand how ridiculous and impossible that sounds– even to me it sounds cheesy and foolish. But ultimately, they are the ones who make the choice whether or not to take that pill, or to hurt themselves. We have to trust that they will do the right thing. If you’re feeling paranoid about it, as I frequently do (especially being long distance), then I advise taking in a deep breath and remembering that, if he ends up hurting himself or not taking his pills, it is his decision, not yours. You should NOT feel responsible for his actions. (I may be projecting a little bit onto you, and if so, I’m terribly sorry). I think you just need to trust your partner and have faith that not everything he does is caused by depression. If he’s having a bad day, don’t assume it was caused by depression until/unless he tells you that it was.

      Stay strong and good luck,

      • P says:

        Sorry for the really delayed response. I was really emotional at the time as he did go through a depressed spell, but this message meant a lot to me.

        He’s now depressed again and he can’t even text me back which is really painful. I read things about why depressed people push others away in person, but i dont understand why he can’t just send a text. I’m crying in bed all day, or just crying in public on the metro (i just dont care anymore) and he knows how much this hurts me. I wish I could walk away from the relationship, it will be better for my own mental health, but i can’t cause of stupid love. Even though it doesn’t feel like he loves me very much when he reads my message saying how much I’m hurting and just need one message and then continues to totally ignore it. I don’t know what to tell my mum when this guy can’t even text me back and breaks my heart cause this is certainly not the first time he has done this to me. I don’t know how to justify this.

        • Hurt says:

          You probably will not see this message but I am in a similar position. I had what I thought was an amazing relationship with my boyfriend. Then I felt him distancing from me. It was so painful. He went from doting on me, telling me he loves me to now silence. He won’t talk to me. He has sent me a few messages saying that I’m perfect for him and he’s ruining it. He promises that we will talk then disappears. He literally has broken my heart. It’s the abruptness of it that hurts so much. I don’t want to make this about me but it feels like it is. It’s making me feel worthless and insecure and as though I’m not good enough. This is because he is still going to work and seeing friends etc. Seems to be just me he cannot face. I have tried to be supportive but how can you support someone who does not want your support and won’t speak to you. Every day I don’t hear from him, my heart breaks a little bit more. I would have just wanted him to communicate, tell me how he is feeling so that I could give him whatever he needs eg space. But to just disappear on me feels so cruel. To promise to call then nothing. To ignore my calls. Feels like torture. If someone had said that this beautiful man would have turned into this, I wouldn’t have believed them.
          Part of me wants to support him from a distance, the other part just knows I should walk away. Not because he is depressed but because if he doesn’t want help, what will change in the future. He has a very toxic personal set up that he is doing nothing to improve.
          I can’t help but think maybe he is cheating on me or has run back to his ex who he has children with.

  62. Iamwhoiam says:

    Hi Guys
    I don’t know where to start. About a little over a year ago I meet the most beautiful person in this world.A caring nice man. We was very happy to found eachother and really felt we are soulmates. We still are. I was lived(still living) in an other country so he had waited for me 1 year.We was perfectly happy, but after a while he was started to worry he will loose me. He was thinking a lot, stressing all day, fear , pain , trouble sleeping. His depression started over 10 years ago. Taking medications, have been in hospital once before we met. What we really had was special. But it’s start to fall apart now. One day he says he will not giving up, next day he want to leave me ( than it’s not me who is leaving him- stupid eh? He think thats less painful). I was tried to be patient. I tell him million times he is loveable, I love him, I dont want to leave him . I can calm him for a while. But now I feel I ‘m tired. I feel its only me who want this to work. I love him so much but I can feel the same things like him and started to be depressed and confused. More lows than highs. Basically Im a positive person.But now I dont know what to do. I have a little son who is very sesitive little boy and he dont know but he feels what is happening. And he started to say he is sad.
    What should I do? Stay or leave? How can I help?

    • Faith says:

      Ask him to get help if he is not doing it already. You cannot help him if he does not want to help himself. Maybe care for him from a distance for a while, get some space for you and your son, and let him think of what he wants to do and what he is risking losing.
      Hang in there xx

  63. Sarah says:

    Hi everyone, I’ve been reading other’s stories and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. My husband has been dealing with depression for about 4 years. Here’s our story. I’ve been married to my husband almost 10 years and together for almost 13 years. We met when we were young, lived in different states, did a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years before getting married. Our marriage was good and we were happy. After 5 years of marriage we decided to start our family and I got pregnant soon after. 20 weeks into the pregnancy we found out there was something wrong with our child and went through the remaining time scared and worried. Our son was born prematurely with a rare genetic syndrome and spent 3 months in the NICU before coming home. He is both physically and mentally disabled and requires a feeding tube. We call him our miracle baby❤️ While he was still in the NICU I would stay with him since it was 1 1/2 hours from home while my husband stayed at home and worked. It was a very stressful time for us all and we didn’t see each other much. My husband started having some anxiety so he started on Xanax. A month or so after he just decided to stop taking them and as a result had a seizure when he was home alone. He broke both of his shoulders and has had 4 shoulder surgeries in less than 3 years. He has dealt with chronic pain ever since and relies on pain medication to get by. He has also had chronic migraines since he was a child and in the past few months he was having one about 3-4 times a month where he would be in bed for 4-5 days at a time. I had also suspected he was depressed but he kept denying it. Our finances have suffered greatly through all of this with our son’s medical condition, my husband’s chronic health problems and him missing so much work. We had little to no intimacy on any level and he hardly spent anytime with me or our son. Things were getting so bad I couldn’t take it anymore and begged him to get help. He finally agreed and went to a psychiatrist 3 months ago and started on an antidepressant. He seemed better for a few weeks after but then started having trouble sleeping which is a side effect of his antidepressant so he would be up for days at a time then just crash for a few days and we wouldn’t see him at all. Now in the last week his doctor started him on another medication to help him sleep which it does but the problem is he can’t get himself out of bed hardly the next day. I am just getting so tired and worn out from dealing with it all and basically having to care for our special needs son alone. I don’t feel we have any connection left between us hardly and we fight all the time. We have a good day here and there when he’s up and feels decent but they’re few and far between. Many days when he’s up he wants to play computer games instead of spending time with me or our son which makes me angry. I’ve started to think more seriously about leaving because I don’t know how much more I can handle but I hate to give up on him because I know how much he’s been through. We are supposed to go to a marriage counselor this week and I’m praying it will help. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m angry and resentful towards him most of the time and I don’t want to live like this anymore. Our son deserves better than to have parents who are always fighting and I want to feel like I have a husband again. Well, thanks for listening.

    • Charm says:

      I just wanted to say I’m so sorry. What a hard situation you’re going through. I hope you’re okay. I wish I could help or had some advice to give. I guess I just wanted to let you know that someone listened and someone cares. Sending you love and light❤

  64. Taylor says:

    My fiancé and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are not perfect, but we’ve had a really good relationship… in my eyes. We have great communication, trust is awesome, we have a genuine love for each other. I knew he had depression, but we’ve always talked through it and moved on. Before I was in the picture he tried everything you can do for treatment. Therapy, medications, talked to friends and family, even tried to kill himself (not exactly treatment). As year 2 approached for us.. he left me. Out of no where. Broke off the engagement and moved out all in the same day. Can you say WTF? I was shattered. From past relationships I can’t help but to assume there is another woman. After 2 weeks of him being gone he “realized” he made the wrong decision and promised he would never do that again. I saw in his eyes that he was genuine and he wanted to come home. Of course I let him. Here we are a year later, coming up on a wedding in process and BAM! He is in the hole again. As positive as I’m trying to be, he keeps putting himself down. As my significant other it is my job to pick him back up and I am giving it my all. I understand he has a lot going through his mind right now, but what baffles me is that he (again) doesn’t know if he wants to continue this relationship. “Maybe it’s cold feet?” I might not know what is going on but I’m 98% sure that isn’t it. I’m am his biggest support system and he wants to get away from me the most. I’ve been giving him his space. We’ve been sleeping in different rooms, and when I see him I tell him how much I love him and how strong he is. He said he needs time to think about his life because right now he doesn’t want to be apart of it. As of right now I know patience is key. That’s what I’ve been reading anyways.. but I don’t get a kiss, a hey babe how you doing, I don’t even get a straight answer as to if he still in love with me.. I’ve been positive around him and behind closed doors I cry and I am broken. Is he going to enjoy this alone time to where he thinks he’ll be better off alone? Is he going to get out of this and come back to me? I really want to let him know that he is hurting me so bad.. but I’m trying my hardest to stay positive. I’m really angry on the inside that he won’t give me an answer and that we are going through this again. This man loves me, I know he does. I can’t help but to expect the worse.. someone out there, help me. Please.

    • Jade says:

      I’m in a very similar situation. So can’t offer much help. I’m searching the internet for help myself, for partners of those depressed. So although I can’t offer advise, if you want to talk with someone understanding, I’d happily listen, and happily share my experiences too.

      • Velvet says:

        Hi Jade.I am also in this situation,my name is Velvet.I would love to talk in private,although I am not sure if it’s allowed to share an email here.Let me know first if you wish to chat in private.Thanks a lot!

    • Alia says:

      I have been in a relationship for 16 years with someone who has behaved exactly as you describe your fiancé’s behaviour. The first time he suddenly withdrew and told me he didn’t love me anymore and left was 3 years into the relationship after an idyllic (I thought) holiday in which I had somehow let him down. To this day I still don’t know what I did but at the time I thought I had failed him badly and begged to be given another chance. I even went to counselling by myself to find out how I could save the relationship. To make a long story short, he came back and all was wonderful for a while until the next time I caused him to go into a depression – yes, he said he was depressed and it was my fault because I drove him into it. After another couple of years of this up and down, I couldn’t take it anymore and I left, though I still loved the man he was when he wasn’t in his depressed, angry-at-me state. It was too much emotional upheaval for me and I was miserable. But then we continued to date and it was romantic and wonderful to be living apart and having sleep-overs and only seeing each other when we were at our best. And I knew that he loved me – we had so much together. So, after 2 more years, we moved in together again. To make a long story short – it is now 16 years of this and I am about to leave – this time for good. I regret all the years I tried, over and over again to be supportive, to see him through, accepting that all he could think about was himself because he was trying to hold himself together.Knowing what I know now, if I could, I would go back to the first time he said he was leaving and didn’t love me and let him go, no matter how painful. It has taken so much out of me and all I want now is to be alone and at peace instead of always wondering how he is and when I’m going to do something wrong again.

      • Taylor says:

        I’m sorry you had to go through that. That’s what I don’t want. He just left me for the second time. I myself know that I’ll be fine. I know the pain is only for now. But I’m never going to know if someone is being ginuine now. How am I going to know someone loves me? I feel like I’m not going to be able to trust someone enough to give them the love hey deserve. Plus in my mind… everything was fine. I was happy. He left out of nowhere. Will he come back? Is there anything I can do to help?

        • Lucy says:

          Hi Taylor and Alia,

          Your stories are heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much trauma. I’m in a similar situation, boyfriend of a year and half has depression, had multiple knee surgeries and addicted to opiates as a result. He’s coming through the worst of it and is getting help but only after two suicide attempts this summer.
          At the time I didn’t know if I could stay with him because I didn’t know if I could keep him safe. Thanks to the state of the NHS and some pretty desperate clinical psychologists at the hospital to get him home, we had a therapy session, which I think was a bit of a wake up call for him that I can only put up with so much. It sounds tough but as a partner of a depressed person, having boundaries is so important. and after some really inhumane waiting times to get himhelp, he seems to on his way to recovery- after about 9 years of being ill. I’m keeping my fingers tightly crossed anyway.
          We went on holiday recently and he forgot his medication- cue almost a week of opiate withdrawal, extreme anxiety, irritability and now I discover, some signs of gaslighting which I can’t say I’m not concerned about. We just got back and are both pretty tired, I think it’s going to take a few days to readjust, him to get back in to the proper routine that keeps him going and hopefully a couple of visits to the pain clinic and his doctor will help. I am trying to remain sympathetic but I’ve found it difficult, especially as this could have been avoided so easily and also because I was the only one there so he took it all out on me. I find repeating to myself, it’s not about me, helps.
          I am keeping an eye on the situation though and waiting for, hopefully, a referral to his community mental health team. The last time they saw him they discharged him because they’re so underfunded, but his doctor has said she thinks that’s not a good idea.

          I was given some advice by my cousin a while back, who happens to be a life coach. She said, you have to detach yourself from his energy and also remember you can’t fix him. It was the most useful advice I’ve had so far.
          The other things I’ve found in this process is that you must must must take care of yourself. Depression is an awful thing to suffer with but you are only human and as a partner you have limits, you’re not a professional. It really sounds like both your partners need some help and I suppose all you can do is to let them know that if it feels right.
          Alia, If he seeks you out after now breaking up with you for the second time, let him know how you feel. Your feelings are important too and it could be the encouragement he needs to getting professional help. If he doesn’t address his depression, it will get worse. It’s like walking around with a broken arm- another one of my cousins quotes.. I also think and hope this comes across and helpful and supportive as I mean it, that you might benefit from seeing a therapist. I have been seeing one since before I started going out with my boyfriend and the sessions have been so incredibly helpful in helping me to address how I can look after myself, my reactions to the situation or any flare ups and it’s just a space where I can talk about how I feel without worrying what anyone thinks or how they might react. (My family are understandably worried about me and I can’t always talk to them because they start telling me he’s just abusive- lots of history of that kind of thing in our family so they’re tuned in to that quite a lot- the point is I think it’s a difficult situation and not easily explained just by saying oh he’s got depression, he must be being abusive). – make if that what you will and feel free to comment.
          I realise I’m in the middle of this and so that there may be things you see in what I’ve written that I can’t, like denial (?!), or maybe you’re in a different place or stage from where we’re at. My friends and my boyfriend tell me I’m amazing, he tells me he loves me all the time. I don’t feel it – the anazingness- and my so called saintly patience (he says I am very patient) is running thin right now. I’m about to start a masters at university and really need to concentrate so I’m worried things are going to blow up, or that the fact he can’t meet my needs is going to cause other problems m, or maybe I just won’t be able to carry on in the relationship anymore. I love him and not just can’t but don’t want to imagine my life without him. I just want him to get better, but I also know I have to think about myself too- that’s not selfish, it’s just also not codependent (another problem area of mine).
          Anyway I hope what I’ve shared has been helpful for you on some format. Stay strong. Feel free to reply x

    • Angle says:

      I will help you. My heart goes out to you. You deserve better. Please seperate from him. Save yourself and stop worrying about him. He will ruin your life. He will try to drag you into his dark ugly world. He can only focuses on one thing; that is himself and his painful unhappiness. He will never ever change. PLEASE trust me on this.
      Now…. go find yoursekf a good psychologist who can help you stay away from him and those just like him. I bet you have a big heart and find comfort in taking in someone who needs help. Being too good has disadvantages. Please find someone to help you with that. God bless!

  65. Jane says:

    My bf of 2 year has been serverly depressed for most of his life when we first met he didn’t really know that and he just thought he got depressed sometimes but as we lived together it started to really prove how bad it is, he is honestly a very caring, nice and loving person who just want affection and I love him. So much. After six months together we went through losing a baby and that really got to him as he get he was letting everyone down and put all the blame on himself and took out the stress and sadness of that blame on himself, I supported him through it all pushing my feelings aside time and time again and after the baby he got so depressed and distant he cheated and that hurt a lot and I forgave him because we’d been through a lot and i love him. After that he finally went to go and get it diagnosed and get help they let us know it might be 6 or more years until he is not serverely depressed and can deal with depression and he has been improving since that whole situation but he’s still greatly suicidal we make a trip to the hospital almost every 3 months and he always get sos depressed before hand and withdraws and then gets angry and then starts to think he’d be better gone and the only way he can kill himself is if I’m not around because he think it will hurt me less if we aren’t together so every time when he is suicidal he tries to break up with me and it breaks my heart every time. And I never let it happen because I know why he’s trying to because usually he is panicking and sad and shaking and just isn’t right. Usually after that we go to the hospital for him. It just all feels like to much of late I love him but I just feel like I’m drowning in all the emotions I get through this and it just it fee to much and I love him I do and I love our life together but I’m only 20 and I’m scared and sad and alone. I love him I just want us to be happy again and not get stressed and fight all the time because he isn’t feeling good and just gets angry I don’t know I think I just needed to at least write down what was going on. Thanks

    • Dee Dee says:

      Hi Jane, sorry to hear about your loss and current situation. My husband has depression and has also cheated. It’s a really tough way to live day in and day out. With someone telling you they love you but then doing things to prove the opposite. Sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at such a young age. I know it’s difficult but you do need to think about yourself also, depression is highly contagious. After a while you may not recognise who you’ve become as you have been tending to his needs for so long!
      Maybe taking a break may help you finally deal with the grief you didn’t allow yourself to go through and give yourself time to heal and grow. Although you love him, and I know how devastating it is, you will not be the one to ‘fix’ him. He needs to get there by himself or he’ll never truly heal.
      Wishing you all the best and a future that’s bright !

  66. Chris G says:

    I’ve been with my gf for a year now. Actually I’m not sure where I stand with her ATM. She suffers from depression I knew this starting out but I didn’t know what came with it. Something happened in her life about 4 months ago and she’s just completely withdrawn from me now. She’s the complete opposite of how she was and has shown no disregard for me or our relationship. When it first happened she told me she just needed time and would explain when she saw me. That never happened, now just tells me she’s not ready to see me and I feel like that’s not going to change but I pray I’m wrong. I’ve been trying not to take anything personal while she over comes whatever she is facing but recently her birthday passed in June and I been trying to see her for months but always get the same answer but She told me she spent time with on her bday when she told be she doesn’t want to be around or talk to anyone when I asked to spend time with her. I still love that girl but I feel like our relationship is gone or won’t be the same at this point. I can talk about this all day but I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. Hold on or leave?….

    • Justmyluck says:

      Wow that sounds exactly like my story. My girlfriend was so loving and affectionate for the first six months but then it was like a switch was flipped. She became withdrawn and started pushing me away. Any time I tried to do something nice for her she would pick a fight over silly things. I was going to take her out on her birthday and she started a huge fight with me and refused to go. She would always say she needed to be alone but would go out with her friends. After the last fight she started, I apologized and stopped talking to her. It’s been about 5 weeks now since we last talked and my life is so much better without her. We were together about 11 months. It’s a shame because I loved her family and I really thought she was “the one”. My advice is to get out now before you get depressed. No one deserves to be treated that way and you can find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated. Good luck!

      • Hellokitty123 says:

        It happened to me too. It’s been four months since he had said that he do not love me anymore. It is so confusing, a day before we were so inlove then we had a fight and left me. He was suffering from depression three months before we broke up. I talked to him last week, and he said that we need to move forward. That he is now really happy and not depressed anymore. I really hope that he can still give me a chance and try again. He is really living his life right now and I’m the only one who can’t accept that we are not really getting back together.

    • virginia says:

      hey the life is a trip .this depression lifts you to the next level of life where you will get a right partner who will love you more more than stars .for now keep yourself busy with the things that make you happy.you can read a bible,novels or study.just pay attention to things which they will give brighter future .because relationship is a game you lose or win .i know it is very difficult to deal with this depression .but just try may god heal your heart

  67. lhall710 says:

    I have found this site very helpful for my current situation. I needed to hear similar stories and connect with people who understand because I was feeling confused and alone. I want to share my story and maybe gain a better understanding of what happened from others.
    My boyfriend of 5 years recently broke up with me out of the blue. We were in a happy relationship and had made plans for the future. We lived together and were moving to a new state together. He accepted a promotion and moved into a temporary housing apartment for a month before we could close on our new house. I stayed with family for a few weeks while he got acclimated to his new position. During the first two weeks things were going well and normal. I visited him with his family for a baseball game one weekend. I noticed he was a little anxious while walking to the stadium but did not think anything of it until now. Then after that weekend and he started to work on his own with less help from his trainer things got difficult. He started to be distant and not himself. He explained that he was overwhelmed at work and trying to find his place. Then it started to snowball more and more. He started to overthink everything, especially things from his past/childhood. He said he was more messed up than anyone could imagine, didn’t like who he was, needed to figure himself out, etc. There was so much that I will spare you the details. He said that he wasn’t ready for me to move out there because he didn’t want me to see him in the state that he was in and said it wasn’t fair to me. I tried to explain that I appreciated that he was looking out for me but that we were a team and I just want to be there for him and support him. He said he loved me and hated that he was putting me through all of this. Then he started to withdraw more and more. I finally had enough and got in the car and drove the 7 hours to his apartment one night. He was caught off guard because I knew if I told him I was coming he would have tried to changed my mind. We stayed up all night talking about all the things that were bothering him. He said that I wouldn’t understand because I haven’t been through the same things. I just listened and tried to comfort him. He was clearly distraught. I felt so helpless and scared for him. He said he wanted to try a break or emotional leave of absence from me while he worked on himself. I agreed not knowing what else to do. I begged him to talk to someone like a psychologist and gave him a few options that I had looked up. I left the next day because he said it was too painful to see me. I hated leaving and was scared for him and our relationship of course. I called his sister because I was worried that if he shut me out and was in that bad of a place emotionally that he might do something bad. His sister said she noticed he was kind of off but it was more like he was living a double life and did not know about all the struggles, emotions, and feelings he was having. She was concerned and asked me what we should do. She also had suggested that he seek therapy. He contacted me during our “break” and said things were going to be harder than he expected and that he contacted the therapist I suggested. We still were in contact although it was minimal and I felt like I was forcing it. He was still withdrawn and started to not be able to say I love you to me which was extremely painful and like some monster had taken over him. He was cold, distant, and selfish. He wanted to only talk to people who had no idea of his struggles. Finally, I had a bad feeling after not speaking to him after 24hrs that he was going to break up with me. He did. He said that he couldn’t see a future with me right now and that he needed to do things for himself and figure himself out. He said he didn’t want to be with anyone. I was and still am completely heart broken. The more I read on here I find and am more convinced that he has depression. The stress of a new job and a big move I think triggered it and I wish I would have noticed sooner and been able to convince him to get some professional help. I still have to get my stuff from the house we were suppose to move into together. All I can think about his how much I want him back and to get better and to learn how to support him. I have been giving him space as of right now because it is too painful for me to contact him. I don’t want to give myself false hope. I’m trying to get my life back together but it has been a real struggle.

  68. buddy says:

    Scrolling down and reading everyone’s stories gives me a sense of relief. I have been with my wife now for two and half years. Things started out great, we were happy. About a year and a half ago she started her new job after getting her bachelors degree and she was excited to start her career and to start making more money. She found a job and everything was looking like it was just going to get better. Now she hates her job. She is underpaid, and has to drive to work 30 minutes to and from just to sit at desk all day being unhappy. She’s done everything she possibly can to get promoted within her company and has had no luck. Not even a single interview. Although, I can say with 100% certainty that its not because she is under qualified but because the company she works for plays favoritism. Its all about who you know there. For a little over a year now she’s been dealing with her depression. She has her moments when she seems okay and in a good mood but then something happens that just triggers it. It could be a normal day with everything going well and then out of nowhere she will start feeling down and feeling stuck at her job. She tells me that she feels like she is alone. I’ve been there for her every step of the way, giving her all the support I can.
    I’m there for her everyday, I try to tell her that things will be fine and that it takes time. I tell her she’s strong, that she can take anything that gets thrown her way, and to just keep trying. Nothing I say or do seems to work. I can think back on instances where I would give her advice, try to talk to her and she would shut me down. Tell me “not to be stupid. This is how life is”. But then there have been times where she gets the same advice from another person (family, friends, coworkers) and it seems to put her more at ease than when I told her the same thing before. I really don’t feel like my advice does anything for her, like everyone else can make her feel better but I cant and it kills me. I’m starting to feel like i’m useless to her and cant do anything. This has caused me to really lose mental focus lately. I have so much negativity in my head that I cant pay attention to anything or anyone. This is causing me to make mistakes with daily things at home like chores for example. Lately anytime I mess up on something she gets angry with me. She says I never listen and never pay attention. She constantly calls me stupid for my mistakes and when I try to defend myself and explain what is going on with me she gets even angrier and has stormed off to shut herself in the bedroom. I sit there, and think to myself “she’s right, all I do is mess things up”. I miss her. I miss being physical with her. We don’t kiss very much anymore. I cant even remember when we last had sex. At this point I have been turned down by her so many times that i’ve given up trying to initiate anything. I’ve lost all of my self-confidence, i have basically no self-esteem, and just feel so insecure about myself now. I’ve brought this up to her and she says “of course i’m still attracted to you, I just don’t really have a sex drive anymore”. It hurts me so much to feel like the love of my life has no interest in me physically. Even though she says its not true after a while you cant help but just feel like it is. Its made me feel like all I am is a friend to her. And even still shes nicer to all her friends. Im the one that she gets mad at, vents too, lashes out on. Its not fair. She spends all her time looking at her phone now and even when she puts it down she goes right back to it after 5 minutes. Again this is something i’ve brought up to her and she tells me that “her phone is her outlet, it helps her get away from everything”, it upsets her anytime I bring up how she’s always on her phone.
    I grew up with very little. My family had its fair share of problems. Dad was in jail a lot of my life or out for days at a time doing drugs with his buddies. My mom and I ended up living in the back of the very small business building that they owned for about 6 years. We were at the bottom. Ive always been a very positive person. Even on my worst days, staying positive even if I knew things wouldn’t go well is what kept me sane. It helped me cope and get through those bad times. Ive worked hard to get where I am today and I attribute that to always keeping positive and trying. Even when im down I get back up.. Well I feel broken now. I’m not myself, and I can’t find that silver lining that I used to rely on. I don’t exactly love my current job either but I feel like with her depression, and her telling me that things will never get better and just constant negativity have put me in that mindset. I now dread my job. i dread everything. I know she tries, and I try too but I miss the girl that I feel in love with. I miss who I used to be. Thanks for reading.

    • Arabi says:

      God, I really feel for you. In fact it made cry, because partly I know the feelings, but also because some of those behaviours are bullying, although she’s sick, so I’m sure you don’t even feel you have the right to say” I’m being treated badly.”It literally sounds like your heart is breaking.
      I’m a woman, is the other way around but I know the feeling of rejection. Wanting to be wanted. I don’t think it’s even about wanting sex, just to be able to get close and feel like you are ‘good enough’. For your words that are giving with love to be heard . Rather than met with irritation. Thankfully my partner is up and down like a yo-yo so I do get good days and bad days. I don’t think my heart and mind could take the indirect insults and the blank emotions constantly. What I have learned b is that when he crashes , i usually follow. It sounds like you are just as depressed but although you are trying to get her through it, she isn’t in a position , or maybe willing to put her feelings aside , just for a while, to support you. Please spend some time loving yourself. You seem like a good kind man. I hope the lady you love gets better, but please don’t allow your life and spirit to be crushed. I wish you well. ????

    • jeeperlife says:

      Hello Buddy,

      As I was reading I felt it was me writing it. I fell in love with a woman I think was and still is my soul mate. I was with her for 7 yrs until 2015 she called broke up with me 1 week after our 7 yr. anniversary. I was alone in our apartment for about a Month. Missed her sleeping next to me, her smile, laugh, touch and kisses. I got depressed and all I did was drink and lost a lot of weight. We moved out of our apartment and I went back to my parents and she went to hers. When she left I felt Abandoned, confused as a week earlier she was telling me I love you and I’m lucky to have you. I didn’t know why and all I could think is the worse. I would try calling her and hang out with her and she would just be rude, angry and insulting me. We kept in touch, talked a lot on the phone and saw each other a lot still. But it was different. She wouldn’t spend a lot of time with me like we did when we lived together or she wasn’t affectionate at all. I would try to kiss, hold her hand and she wouldn’t have any of that. She would just seem so heartless. Later after being sad and still trying to get her back she told me she needed to see a Doctor because she felt sad, cried a lot, slept a lot, wanted to be left a lone and would feel angry and anxiety attacks. The woman I fell in love with was no more, this woman in front of me was different. I didn’t give up on her and stayed by her side. Like you Buddy, no sex, no physical contact. It broke me, on her bad days she would insult me and she knew what to say to hurt me. I felt like lost, alone, my self esteem was at a all time low as I’ve never ever felt that in my life. I felt I was always walking on egg shells with her. I had to watch what I said and how I said it. Man, it was so stressful and hurtful to not be able to be myself around her and to see her this way. What helped me was having 2 great friends help me in my time of need. They listened to me day after day to my feelings and my heart aching from seeing my loved one in so much rage and not knowing what was wrong.

      She finally went to the Doctor after a year. It seemed to help but she started back at square one. She said the medicine made her feel stupid and numb. I started to get space from her as I felt it was starting to affect me. I felt I was just focused on her and her some more. What about me? I cant stop my life, she knows I love her and that I would not give up on her because I have been there since our break up 2 yrs ago. Doctor Visits, Late night talks when shes crying or sad. I have let it be, I give her her space and no longer chase after her to get her back. I love her truly as I have never loved someone but I have to think about ME now. Think and take care of YOU Buddy. You will have moments of memories, sadness and tears will fall from your eyes when you listen to a song, a certain smell that reminds you of the good times spent with them. I WILL always Love that woman but it is time to let her be. It’s 2 yrs and yet I don’t know where I stand. I was scared to wait and wait and she moves on. that’s what I don’t want. Take care of yourself buddy, I also grew up in a low income household and gang infested neighborhood where most of my friends I grew up are deceased, in and out of jail or in jail for life. she knows my struggles to be the man I am today. I feel guilty sometimes that I haven’t done enough for her but yet what is? I stopped calling her and she would call me now and look for me but yet nothing close to what I longed for, a “I love you, thank you for being there for me when I need you” a kiss a touch nothing. she is someone I don’t recognize anymore and it hurts me. All I have is the memories and the pictures of her smiling. best wishes buddy.

    • chris says:

      I am going through the same thing. She left and I am alone, keep reading about depression. Sounds like you just have to let hew go, she is broken and YOU can not fix her. I can not fix my love, and its been 17 years. She left. She is a train wreck that just wont stop.

      • virginia says:

        pray everyday god will help you .like me i met new boyfriend who is caring and loving person.i have little depression because he offed his cell phone until today i told god about him .now i am okay i feel constant love of god .dont fear to say everything give him clear information you will see a wonderful miracle.you can”t believe this my exs want me back because god start to do a reward to them they are cry and seeing me as a queen now.

  69. rebecca says:

    I have been married almost 4 years. I am 32 and my husband just turned 40. We have not been able to conceive or get pregnant. we have done 2 surgeries because I have stage 2 endometriosis. 3 failed inseminations. Multiple rounds of medications. All fails. As a wife who suffers from infertility this is normal behavior. I know because I live it. Every day. It is a struggle. Infertility can make a woman feel useless and when you see every one around you getting pregnant except yourself its a slap in the face and another reminder that you have “failed” as a woman. Also the fact you already have 2 kids from other women is prolly very hard for her, because she wants to be the woman having your kids, she is your wife. Please note that infertility and depression go hand in hand. The only advice I have is the The only thing that gets me by is praying. Its God. I don’t know if you or your wife are religious. But I have found as well as my husband, that it does help to pray or listen to a sermon on those” really bad” days. Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

  70. Jas D says:

    Ugh, I’ve been going through it for almost 3 years now with my boyfriend. He didn’t have a good childhood at all. His mom was abusive towards him growing up, and his dad suffers from schizophrenia. When we are together, we laugh, talk, have fun, and are very much inseparable. When he starts to have a bout of depression, he can be very hard to deal with. He speaks as if he’s always angry. He doesn’t want to go home, so he drives around at night; he will normally go park at a gas station instead of going home. He starts back smoking cigs when we’ve both tried to get him from smoking them. He doesn’t smoke when he isn’t depressed. I’ve tried to get him to talk to his friends because he always says that I don’t understand what he’s going through or where he’s coming from. Since that’s the case, I’ve researched additional ways for him to seek help since he can’t afford professional help. He said he can’t talk to his friends about this, but yet he steady complains about me doing a horrible job at supporting him. So I even suggested that he join a support group or that he gets on to a supportive app. I use the app called Whisper and it has seriously helped me to deal with stress and to cope when dealing with my boyfriend’s issues. When I suggested these ideas to him, I guess he thought I was being sarcastic and said that he would take my advice by driving around the street to find a stranger to talk to. That kinda hurt my feelings because I was sincere and was actually trying to help.

    Sometimes I wonder if some people with depression are just mean in nature because when they are around other people, they aren’t mean towards them, but when they get around their spouse or partner, they just become mean and rude. I know I can’t speak for others but sometimes I do feel like this in the case of my boyfriend.

  71. Lindsey says:

    Hi all,
    Ok, so this is an update from my last email sent in June 2016. My husband who was yelling at me all the time for stupid little things is now seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication. Great right? Not really. It looks like he has changed but he hasn’t. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have 2 as well from a previous marriage too. Before my husband went to see his therapist, we used to fight almost everyday over stupid little things. He started his therapy and his doctor promised me that she will help him, us. Now I seriously do not believe that depression makes people do the things they do. Could they just be evil humans living amongst us? Reason why I ask this is, my husband and I spoke to his therapist and she told him that he needs to be grateful that i am there for him and all sorts. He KNEW that he was not gonna win this one. Then he slowly started pushing the blame to my kids. Is this depression? He started smoothly telling her how my kids are not disciplined by me. We went to talk about this and I lost my cool and lost it. We started yelling at it other at her office. She decided that she didnt want to see me anymore she would focus on him as her patient. Ok, everyone who sees my kids talks about how well mannered they are. He manipulated the whole situation so that he can get reason to behave the way he does. He is now focusing his anger towards my kids. I hate him so much. My kids seem to be addicted to the situation as I am. When I try to prepare them to leave they tell me they are happy. He is very manipulative and he is very evil to do this. I am currently studying Psychology as I want to understand these people and to help myself and my kids.

    • Diana says:


      I’m sorry things have not gotten better after therapy and medication. From what I read, I hear it takes time for those things to start helping. Even then, it may not be as good as before. It is probably hard to hear/see the man you love(d) is now attacking your children, and naturally, you will go into defense mode for them. However, I think it may be time for you to get your own therapy to help process this all with a different therapist. You cannot expect change overnight, but it may be able to help you accept what is going on or figure out what you can do.

  72. Danielle says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and it’s been long distance thus far because he is usually on the road for work. We usually try to see each other once or twice a month, and we talk and text everyday. For 8 weeks he was in Puerto Rico for work and as soon as he returned back to the states he came to visit me for a week. He left almost two weeks ago and I have not physically talked to him since. When ever he is not on the road or not with me he goes into a depression and wont talk to me he only text me to say he going through emotional issues but he is ok. This only last a couple of days and he is back to himself. It has never gone on this long, it will be two weeks this Thursday and I don’t know what to do. I still get I love you text every couple of days and just a day ago he told me he didn’t know how long he could take being apart. His absence is tearing me apart, i’m worried that I will never talk to him again. I try to keep busy but I find myself looking at my phone for a text, call or something. What do I do ? my stomach is in knots I cant focus I cant eat !!! this is one of the most painful feeling in the world.

    • Mark says:

      I understand your pain and have been through similar with a distance relationship. The only way to get through this, is to talk to him about it; tell him how much pain this is causing you and that you need to get your needs met too, if the relationship is to continue. It’s hard to speak up sometimes and even harder to deliver an ultimatum, but the pain can’t get any worse than what you’re already experiencing.

  73. Nicki says:

    My husband has anxiety to the point that he has told me that he has thought of killing himself due to how much money we would get from life insurance policy. He believes since financially we are now not doing well since he has decided to leave a job that we both work at that it would be best for the family. I am to the point I want to scream due to the crazy way he is viewing this situation. Ive told him I will stand by him regardless but this mess is just too much! I found him in his truck during the day, sweating so bad, looked like he was trying to kill himself. I called him out but he denied it. It seems like he is doing this just to see what will happen. We have 3 kids. 2 from his prior marriage and my daughter from previous relationship. He is ruining my ability to be patient. What should I do?

    • ALZ says:

      This could be my story. My husband is the same! He also told me that he was thinking of killing himself so that I’d get the life insurance. We have 2 children and I feel utterly trapped. I regularly have nightmares about being trapped in a cage or elevator and have realized that it’s because that’s how I feel in my waking life.
      I feel desperate and no longer know this person that I’m stuck with. I fantasize about leaving and having a normal life, but then I realize how truly trapped I am. I don’t think he’ll ever improve. I made him go to a shrink and take meds, but it’s done nothing!
      I wish I could offer advice, but I’m in the same boat and really don’t know what to do.

      • L says:

        God you guys, I feel awful for you. But I also feel awful for your partners. Admitting there is a problem is a truly scary thing and it takes time, so even though they might be seeking help because you encouraged them, they might not have had a moment where they’ve been able to admit to themselves or turn a corner yet. Therapy and meds take a long time to work so you really need to be patient with it, though believe me, I know that’s not easy.
        If your partner is in such a mess with anxiety, he will be in hell right now. My partner says it’s like feeling you’re going to fall over every waking minute of every day. I can’t imagine what that’s like, though my anxiety has got worse since our relationship began. If you can try to remember that though this is hard on you and your feelings are totally understandable and human, they are going through it a hundred times over, because they aren’t coping, because they are ill. Hopefully that will help your patience, which will help you, because it is a lot to bare.
        Let your husband know that he can turn to you and talk to you if he wants to, that he won’t be judged and it’s ok to struggle- allowing him the space to feel secure in your relationship and being able to turn to you could really help him seek help. Remember he is. Or choosing these feelings and he can’t just snap out of them. Encourage him to seek help, but don’t demand it of him as this could backfire. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
        in the mean time look after yourself, if you can find 5 minutes for yourself do, it’s really important. If you can find therapy or an online forum for carers and family that could help too- I use sane, who are a uk based charity, and having that anonymous space to vent has been so helpful and the people in there are so supportive. Spending time on hobbies and distractions, even though they are just on the surface, can be great coping mechanisms. And finally, be kind to yourselves, you have a lot on your plate.
        I hope that’s helpful xx

  74. whitepointer says:

    Im the depressed partner. My husband cant cope with me and drinks and smokes to access. He has a high powered job and as such is under extreme stress for that and as we speak is in Europe . He flew out the day I was diagnosed!!. So I have been left to manage through. I do take offence that the partner is in no way at fault for their partners depression. Some partners may inflict abuse at their partners which leads to the depression. My husband is a good man whom I love deeply and while 90% of my depression is caused by grief, 2 medical conditions on top of each other, a grandchild being diagnosed with a serious disability and other family issues a blow up with a neighbour of 30 years narcissistic treatment of me was the final nail. The reason being is my husband wants to be friends with these people after his wife/he has been insulted. That just crushed me to the core. I understand my H is out of his depth with how narcs operate .He took offence at ME for telling this person her behaviour was unacceptable to me/us after years of our loyalty. He is a person that cant defend people and I have been never been able to go to him with an issue ad I always have gotten the blame. So dont tell the depressed persons other that they have NOTHING to do with their partners depression. No, I havent been easy to live with but I neither has he. I could go on but I wont.

    • L says:

      Hi whitepointer,
      I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time. I read your post and it made me want to reach out to you. That’s horrid that he can’t be more supportive, it sounds like he’s got his own demons, which even though gains understanding, doesn’t really help you. I hope you find the strength to get through this, with or without his support.
      Sending much love and support your way, wherever you are xx

  75. SwimmerMom says:

    I am a 50+ year old woman with a husband who has likely been depressed all his life. We’ve been married 25 years and have three adult children. Youngest is heading out to college next year. My husband’s depression has worsened in the last few weeks after being told that his type 2 diabetes has progressed and he is now on more meds. To him, everything in his life is horrible. God hates him and is doing this to him to punish him because he hates him. He refuses to get any help, always has, because he is in law enforcement and he fears if anything ever came out. He is verbally abusive one minute and then sweet as pie the next and gets mad at me for being upset. I have been on anti anxiety meds for almost 12 years now, and I truly think that much of my issues comes from dealing with him. I love him, but am no longer IN LOVE with him. It is just too much work. I have always said I would stick it out until the kids are grown and now that is almost here, but I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. I fear he will end his life. What do I owe him? What do I owe my kids? What do I owe myself?

    • Cwf65 says:

      I live almost the same life as you. I am 52, married 32 years with 2 children 22 and 27. My husband had a crappy childhood and I had a fabulous one. I think I took him in as a project and I am exhausted. I have shown him love and taught his great family traditions etc. He has come so far but his depression has killed our relationship. I do not like him and my only happiness is when he is away working. He worked away from home for 4 years and I was much happier but he still SHARED his depression long distance. He has always been jealous but I have never cheated or even talked with another man. I would never do that to him I don’t want to leave him but I also hate living this way. I am a optimistic happy person. His depression is killing me. My kids and I walk on egg shells and always have. They both support me and have no idea why I stay. He refuses to get help, he carries a fire arm legally and thinks he will lose that ability if he takes anti depressants. PLEASE DONEONE GIVE ME ADVICE ON WHAT TI FO!

    • Jess36 says:

      “I have always said I would stick it out until the kids are grown and now that is almost here, but I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. I fear he will end his life. What do I owe him? What do I owe my kids? What do I owe myself?”

      Those words could be from my very own mouth. The only difference in our story is that I’m a bit younger….36, been with my husband for 22 years, have 2 grown kids but also an 11 yr old at home. I’ve always pushed thru telling myself I’d leave when they were grown. I just don’t know if I can do it any more!!! Thoughts of leaving him feel me with such guilt and thoughts of staying feel me with despair. 🙁 You said it best……What do I owe him?? What do I owe myself?

  76. Nicola says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and he always warned me that his depression can strike at any time and that he’ll be distant and will shut himself off, he said this has ruined his romantic relationships in the past. I always told him that i’d be there for him and he can be distant if he ever needs to be.
    A few days ago we had a fight over him being back in contact with his ex, before this everything was perfect, yet after the fight he needs time and doesn’t know if our relationship will work out. At first he said that the problem is that we don’t communicate, but that quickly turned into his depression flaring up and he needs time.
    He won’t talk to me on the phone or through text and he won’t see me. I can’t tell if he wants to break up and is putting it off and that’s why he’a ignoring me, or if he genuinely needs time and wants to be with me.
    The past few days not hearing from him have been absolute torture, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I spend my hours in work crying in the bathroom and I’ve become obsessive about checking if he’s online and worrying about who he’s talking to and why he can’t talk to me.
    I know we’ve only been together a hand ful of months but I love him so much and I just want everything to be ok again, I feel like I’ve done something awful and he’s making me suffer. Someone please help 🙁

    • Rice says:

      Iv been with my partner 9 months now and he told me about his depression but not at the state it is now we had a argument which sent him over and he did not speak to me for over 2 months and finally he asked me to lunch and we talked it over and told me everything hat was going on but he did so being cold and distant not looking me in the eye not touching me but he sounded upset, he could not even hug me or kiss me because he said he has changed and he’s not Somone who I’d want to kiss. He knows I love him and I told him that I’m going to be here for him when ever he needs me but as if now he needs us to be distant but he’s destroying himself inside he’s not the care free man that I fell in love with but he’s still the man I love and support.

    • Mel says:

      Get out while your relationship is still fresh. It won’t get better. It’s a never ending spiral of walking on egg shells and false hope. Don’t feel bad. Just get out while you can. Take it from someone who’s need in a loveless marriage due to his depression for over 20 years.

    • carmela says:

      run don’t walk to the nearest exit before ur too invested in this guy because this is how life with him will always be and pls get help for ur self because for ur obsessive personality because this is the way u will live by ur own obsession

    • ALZ says:

      Run, run, run from him as fast as your feet will carry you. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. When we met, he told me that he’d suffered from depression when he was younger, but he seemed mentally healthy when I met him, so I stayed with him and we married.
      He’s been in a terrible state of anxiety and depression for the past 3 years and is destroying my life, our family life (we have 2 kids), our finances (he’s having trouble keeping a job) and any hope that I have for the future.
      He’s utterly dependent on me emotionally and it’s like living with an emotional vampire.
      I left my country for him, my parents are dead and I have no one else in the world that can help me. If we didn’t have kids, I’d leave him, even though I still love him. Depression makes people increasingly selfish and it makes them incapable of giving emotionally to their loved ones.
      If I could turn back time, I’d run far from him, but I’m trapped. I have 2 kids, no money of my own and no one to turn to.
      You are not married to him, you’re free to leave and still have hope of a happy future. Leave!!!!

      • p says:

        This comment really struck me. I am in a relationship with someone who has depression and you’re story is what I am petrified of for the future.
        How are things now? Any different from a few months ago?

    • mel says:

      hi Nicola, your situation seems quite similar to mine. I have also only started a relationship with someone who is depressed, and he is going through a depressed period right now… it is all new for me and I have for the first time reached out on the internet to try and let it out and be able to find people in the same situation. we can talk if you’d like, maybe we can help or support each other.

      • Louise says:

        Hey mel,
        I’m in the same situation and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months and his father committed suicide a year ago. He is very stressed because of school and clearly is depressed. When I’m with him he is mostly loving, we cuddle, he sometimes tells me he loves me, but when I’m not with him, he doesn’t text me, he says it’s not my fault and he’s sorry, but he needs space. I’m so scared of losing him and I love him so much. It’s driving me crazy and it’s gotten to the point that I feel like he doesn’t care about me. When I tell him that, all he does is say that he understands and he’s sorry.

      • Faith says:

        Mel, Nicola,

        I know it’s been a while, but if you are still around, do you mind telling me how you are getting on? I was dating someone with depression for 5 months, and he broke up with me out of the blue even though things seemed to go well between us and I was growing increasingly fond of him. Still trying to make sense out of it all…

    • Trina says:

      Hi Nicola,
      I know it’s been awhile since you’ve posted on here, but your situation sounds just like mine. May I ask what happened with the relationship? Thank you and I hope you’re well.


  77. Jennice says:

    Am Jennice, a young good looking girl who fell in love with a man that was financially broke. I support him and make sure to entertain him best way I could. This man later became my husband, I agreed to marry him despite his condition, moreover a foreigner in my country. Life was very difficult for him, he knew no one ,got forsaken by the very people he looked up to. I was with him and then I found out my husband was seriously depressed. How he always gives out deep breath, staring in the skies like thinking mood activated. Get provoke by little things. Changed completely towards me. He was not acting matured enough like before. A lot of sign to tell he was depressed. He keeps saying am depressed. Too bad I can’t afford to send him to a check up. He is jobless at the moment, no one can afford to employ foreigner or it seems there is no luck in our search. So many times I feel like divorcing him, when he get angry he slaps me or hurt me badly,becames lovely guy again after pleading not to abandon him.so many times I run away from the house but I keep coming back because he keeps saying sorry and plead as well. Am confused nothing I do please him. Am getting fed up. I love him but at this point my life is sinking in my own tears!!

  78. Evelyn says:

    I’m so glad I found this website. The comments gives me strength to keep going.

    My boyfriend also suffers from depression. He has severe drinking problems, and cut himself several times when he was in college.

    From time to time he’d be the loving person I used to know, the sweetest soul on earth, the love of my life. But most of the time he’s cold, cruel, and treats me as if I am a stranger. He puts on a mask of happiness in front of his friends, not many of them know about his depression.

    We broke up once, because of his weird mood swings, and I tried to date other people, but I wasn’t able to move on, even though I’ve met some awesome guys who were emotionally stable. It wasn’t until several months after we broke up that I realized he was depressed when we were together. I knew he used to be severely depressed in college, but I thought it was a thing in the past.

    All of a sudden everything started to make sense. He reached out to me several times after we broke up, crying, telling me how much he loved me but were unable to maintain a relationship, begging me not to leave him again. I thought he was lying. Turns out, he wasn’t.

    Being with him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Most of the time I have to convince myself that he still loves me, which can be incredibly hard, because he usually acts as if he just wants me to disappear. Once he told me that he’s going away on a trip for two weeks the night before he leaves, and then didn’t check his phone throughout his trip. Once he slept with another woman just to make me leave him. I do not know if he actually meant to do any of those, or is it just his depression? He pushes me away, and then he begs me to come back to him. Over and over and over again.

    Sometimes I don’t know if it’s still worth it to forgive him. I find it hard to believe that he had no malicious intention when he did any of those things.

    • Jenni says:

      It’s one thing to be noble and supportive, and it’s another thing to be an enabler. Stepping outside of what I assumed was a monogamous relationship is a breach of trust that goes beyond the easily forgivable. If it was me, and even if you truly love him and want him back, I would set a ultimatum of him seriously pursuing help for a significant period of time until he can have the chance to win you back. Depression may be only one of a series of things that he needs to heal before he can support you. You deserve to be treated with respect, even by someone who is depressed. There is a difference between a depressed boyfriend who still loves you on the inside, and one who doesn’t see you as worthy of even basic courtesy.

    • Nicola says:

      I understand that your partner has depression and it’s difficult to deal with, but cheating on you is just absolutely awful. If he doesn’t want to be with you he should tell you. He’s playing games with you and being a coward and I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy that way. There comes a stage where you have no choice but to let go, and his sleeping with another woman is your wake up call. I don’t mean to sound harsh and I wish you all the best because I do understand how unbelievably painful it is to be in this situation and you probably don’t want to throw away all of the hard work and time you’ve put into the relationship, but it’s not fair on you, you deserve to be happy aswell.

  79. Tim says:

    I have been living with my wife who has Depression with Psychosis. This has been going on for 3 years straight, she was hospitalised two years go and spent 6 weeks in a mental health hospital in the UK. The light at the end of the tunnel in our relationship seems to be fading away, she recently turned to alcohol to self medicate on dealing with the psychosis part of her illness. Of course booze mixed with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics is not a good combination. I found this page as I googled “my depressed partner is making me depressed”. I have tried everything, and all those things you mentioned above and more I have done. I don’t want to throw a 20 year relationship away, but live just feels pretty rubbish at the moment. I literally have to do everything to keep our marriage going, I finance the house, pay all bills, cook all food, pay for all holidays, I clean the house, maintain the house, offer all the love, support and kindness I can give, I also work full time on top of all this. I seriously feel like I could walk away from this all now…..it is breaking my heart, literally, I feel so sad with all of this 🙁

    • Denise says:


      I’m so sorry you are feeling hopeless. I’m lying in bed typing this as my husband’s depression (last 3 years) has gotten me depressed. I am lonely, unmotivated, angry and tired. I know I need to look for help but I don’t have the energy.

      I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and don’t have advice yet but I hope it helps to know you are not alone. You wil get through this.

    • Cal says:

      As hard as it seems, at some point we all need to think of ourselves too. What if the depression magically disappeared, whats the extent of the damage to your relationship? I am a typical enabler. I just want to keep all the balls in the air. But I’m exhausted. I walk on eggshells, I’m not supposed to talk, just be talked at. Sometimes (often) I’m ignored. He can glare at me and tell me he’s not angry with me. I just want to curl up and disappear when he does that. I’m at the point where I’m in danger of losing myself. It’s almost time to go

      • L says:

        Cal, I just read your post and it sounds really worrying. Are you ok? I know this is a while ago, but I really hope things have improved for you.
        Are you getting support?
        If not there are some great mental health charities out there that have wonderful support forums for you to vent on. Please look after yourself, though I know it’s tiring. Also, if you don’t want to go he nhs route, and right now my current position on that is- who could blame you- then there are lots of talking therapists available all over the uk Who are generally reasonably priced and also do discounts – mine does anyway.

        To everyone on this particular feed, I really hope things are improving for you and your partners and families. I understand exactly what it’s like. Please take care of yourselves, you all matter very much x

  80. Rebecca says:

    I’ve been feeling all alone in a helpless place and this site has helped me realize that I am not alone in what I’m experiencing, and that there is hope.

    I have dated my boyfriend for two years (he is 34, I am 30) and he has been committed, kind, and loving. The exception is that every few months (quarterly) he is triggered but a random thing or interaction we have (small fights) and withdraws from me, which could last several weeks. Almost overnight, he seems to become a different person unable to show me love, or converse with me, and says that he just doesn’t feel good about the relationship and seems overall sad. He eventually comes back to me if I do something to break the cycle, like show up at his place forcing a resolution, sometimes apologizing profusely. Suddenly, it’s like a cloud passes and he is normal again.

    I’m in one of these cycles now that has lasted 6 weeks after we had a minor fight about scheduling travel plans. He has completely shut down from me, unlike previous times where he still talked to me, no longer answering my calls or texts. He wrote to me that he is unable to offer a stable relationship until he resolves his inner conflicts, as he is experiencing a rough season full of emotions and sadness. He said he cannot make a decision about our relationship until this storm passes. It has been very hard for me because my only two options are to wait for him in limbo, or to end the relationship (which are both not preferable). I have tried everything to break this cycle from writing him emails to showing up at his place but with no success. I am trying to remain hopeful though I am just physically and emotionally exhausted.

    At first I thought his behavior was attributed to him being an extreme introvert, finding solace in isolation after any conflict. It helps to know there is a label to it: depression. I know this will only continue until he becomes self-aware and gets the treatment he needs. Right now I am trying to give him the space he asked for, taking care of myself as best as I can, and remaining hopeful. It is really difficult because there is no timeline for when he will be “normal” again and I feel this is slowly destructive to both myself and our relationship.

    • Rebecca says:

      Just an update on my situation that despite my gentle attempts to reach back out, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. He had asked if I had been talking to anyone about our problems, and I said no, just my therapist (knowing that the real answer would make him mad). Then he yelled at me a few hours later saying that he heard I was talking to his coworkers about him (which is true, because I had asked a mutual friend if he was doing ok, since he wasn’t answering my calls) and then called me disrespectful for talking to his friends and said that I lied to him. He said I know he is very sensitive to lying and he needs to be with a partner who is 100% honest. He dismissed my attempts to explain, and I apologized profusely. He told me that I should feel free to move forward without waiting for him, that it’s not fair to me. I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said he was not sure, but he is scared of future lies.

      I also heard from a friend that he was leaving the country to visit his family (which I know he was considering months ago), and I was hurt to learn this because he hadn’t told me and it is symbolic of how distant we have become. I had asked him about it nonchalantly and he refused to answer the question and said it was zero related to me.

      His 8 year old nephew messaged and called me saying that he heard about our problems and he hopes we solve them because he doesn’t not want me to be part of his family. It broke my heart. In the background of the video call I saw my boyfriend and since we were talking about honesty I messaged him to tell him his nephew had called me. I did not expect him to lash out asking why I answered, saying that my actions are very wrong and that I need to stop communicating with his family.

      Part of me wonders if this is his depression (or “inner demons” as he is calling them) talking. Regardless, the evolution of this situation makes me feel very depressed, anxious, and in the wrong and automatically cater to him. This last accusation was exhausting and I don’t think I did anything wrong. I just know he is not being very kind to me (and temperamental and controlling) and assuming the worst. I really don’t know what to do because the kind, sweet, empathetic man I once knew just morphed into a very mean, distant monster. Appreciate any advice or support anyone can provide.

      • Marianne says:

        Hi Rebecca,

        It doesn’t sound like depression alone but also malignant narcissism. The signs are that you have to walk on eggshells, apologise profusely, be kept in limbo (being told you can leave yet say he is unsure about breaking up), be unfairly blamed (accused of future lying) for his keeping you in limbo about the relationship, being treated worse and told less than his colleagues and family,…

        That he was once kind, sweet and empathic is a typical method used by a malignant narcissist in order to reel you in and once you are securely in his power (both your posts show reluctance to leave despite his abuse, yes it is abuse), endless put you through cycles of hope and despair, whilst constantly being made to feel that you are to blame, or that you need to apologise profusely for a storm to pass.

        It is early in the relationship. It gets worse the longer the relationship goes on. An 8 year old nephew is showing signs of being used to manipulate you. How could an 8 year old have the maturity to ”hear about your problems, hope you can resolve them and contact you by text and call to say so”? Boyfriend was not in the background of the call by chance you know. He used his nephew to reel you in again and yet again using the same a young and easily manipulated child, he put all responsibility for fixing the relationship on you. When you responded by informing him, he knew you were reeled in again and then he abused some more.

        Your kind heart is causing you blindness and naiveté. Open your eyes and get out now while establishing what we call ”No Contact”.

        Look it up…

    • Katie says:

      I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks, no matter what you do you feel like a failure in your relationship. We try and fight so hard because we feel like the kind loving person we once knew will reappear and we can move forward and get back on tract. I’m in a similar situation, been with my bf for 3 years, we planned on getting married, buying a house, having kids, etc for a very long time everything was wonderful. Then the small sudden changes, they seem just a little down, moving a little slow. I always attributed it to his work, he runs his own company and i can’t remember the last time he had a day off, he’s highly stressed. then more changes, the more stressed he became the more he changed towards me, becoming a monster. I always felt like i was walking on egg shells, and when i would say that it would be thrown back in my face as if i was the non sentsitive one.

      I feel like i’ve had to sensor my words and actions for such a long time now because i know the smallest slight against him, is blown completely out of proportion and he actually makes me feel awful and i always apologize profusely for something i shoudln’t even apologize for, i feel like i can no longer freely express my feelings.

      For so long i have blamed depression for his behavior, giving him a free pass. If i was to look objectively on our relationship, as i bet many other people on here could agree, it may seem like were almost all in a semi emotionally abusvive relationship. The cold wall of silence, that can last for weeks on end, if you google “silent treatment” it’s classified as emotional abuse, yet we are supposed to sit here and allow it to happen with open arms, welcoming them back freely, mean while we’ve been in our own personal hell for how ever long the silence lasts.

      I’m going on 3 months now of dead silence. We never had a fight, nothing happened to trigger it, he stopped communicating literally mid conversation of a text message!! We were sending funny memes back and fourth, and then boom silence. It had happened several times before also with no trigger, this is BS, no one should have to endure what we endure! Imagine if the tables were turned, imagine if we acted this way towards the ones we love with depression, they would hate us and never look back.

      We give and give love, open arms, forgiveness, and kindness with absolutely nothing in return from our partners, we have to resort to a forum. I believe in loyalty and respect to the highest degree, and that’s all ive’ given, yet it’s no longer returned, why do we torture ourselves and question who we are as a person because of someone that is irrational? I’ve never questioned who i am in my life, i’ve always thought of myself as a good and kind person, but my partner makes me question all that with his depressed mindset, yet all I’ve done is give and give to him, with nothing in return, yet I question my own self worth?

      Anyone out there, is it worth staying with it? Especially when they go silent and you try a million ways to reach out with zero response? I feel like we all came from really strong amazing relationships and that’s what we are fighting for, but does it ever come back? Is that sweet caring person that used to adore us ever treat us the same?

      • Lisa says:

        Hey Katie
        Hope your ok
        This is exactly what happened to our relationship
        4-5 years of my partner having depression
        It’s so heart breaking
        The once love & careing partner of 23 years had just turned into a completely different person
        Drinking Alcohol to the excess & just withdrawn from mine & our 5 kids lives
        & well our story didn’t end the way we had wanted
        He up & left us in January for another woman
        Completely being a heartless person that I no longer know or want to talk to anymore
        As his words are just to hurtful
        We only message if it involves the children
        The affect that the last 4-5 years has had on me is beyond words..
        The mental abuse was out of control
        He became controlling & very jealous accused me of seeing someone else…
        I’m still devastated that the person I fell in love with 23 years ago no longer exists
        With your relationship…you are the only one that knows that answer
        As hard as it is
        I always thought that if I ended the relationship he would harm his self & that’s something I couldn’t live with
        So maybe in our situation it was for the best that he had an affair (much to my heart break)
        Please keep in touch
        As always here to listen
        Lisa x

        • Katie says:

          So sorry for what you went through! How are you holding up? I’m wondering if there’s something in common about our relationships that makes us want to stay? I do because i felt like i literally found the one, the perfect person for me, and that there was no one built better to be my partner in my life, and my partner felt the exact same way about me.

          Typical that they would accuse you of having an affair, yet your partner had one. I always felt a double standard in a way, like if he says something to me, i can take it for what it is, and move on in a positive direction, but if i said that to him, all hell would break lose, and I would probably get the silent treatment. Did you have this issue to?

          Hang in there, stay in touch!

      • Rebecca says:

        Katie, I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I know it is a personal hell and you are stuck in a place of pain and yearning. In my opinion 3 months of silence is too long – it is almost as if he had ghosted you. In your situation, you deserve better and don’t deserve to be in a bad situation, regardless of how happy the past was or previous promises of the future. Imagine if you were married and living together, and he withdraws this way again, leaving you in the dark for months. That would be even more painful. This is a cycle of depression that he is responsibility for recognizing and taking care of. The only way to overcome this battle is with treatment.

        These men are grown adults who also have the responsibility to recognize their depression and take care of it. I have tried to adapt the concept of “lovingly detaching” from my boyfriend to give him space because any interaction on my end only irritates him. In the end I have also come to accept the fact that a break-up could be imminent. In the end we have to do what is best for ourselves.

        • Katie says:

          Thanks for the reply Rebeccca! Why do we even think of staying with these men? For me its because before the depression he was the one, there’s no better match for me in this world, and he thought the same, we were the perfect couple everyone was jealous of. Is that why we hang on? I feel like it is, we both thought we were perfect for each other and wanted to grow old together, the relationship was so intense, deep, we both joked that if it didn’t last between us, we would no longer believe in love. So this is where I get stuck.

          What about you? Did you find the “one” and that is why it’s so hard to let go? Also I’m trying to find out if there are reoccurrent themes that get men to this point. I believe my partner is from his work schedule, 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week, 3 days off in over 8 months. So stress.

          • Rebecca says:

            Hi Katie, I definitely feel what you’re feeling. It must be hurt to have thought you met the one and for him to be a completely different person. Part of what has kept me going is holding on hope that he will come back to me and the great memories we have shared. But it is also very sad because we are at a standstill no longer cultivating our relationship. For me, my boyfriend and I discussed the future and being together as partners as we get old (though one major sticking point is that he does not want kids and I would prefer to). I’ve come to terms of living a life with him (sans kids) because I love him so much and could see him as the person I spend the rest of my life with – though I wouldn’t want to continue to have these cycles of depression/stonewalling/person hell. I’ve come to terms that this relationship will end and have helped to envision life beyond him (because that could be a reality soon). We are speaking this Sunday in person.

            Did you ever experience an episode with him or is this the first time? Are you able to speak to him about how his dead silence is making you feel?

  81. Lexi says:

    My boyfriend has been very depressed lately and I don’t know how to help. He is homeschooled so he doesn’t really talk to anyone. Once he left scool all of his friends quit talking to him. He lives about 2 minutes down the road and he can drive the only problem is his mom really doesn’t let us go anywhere. A few days ago we went on a date and he was acting like himself again he was happy and smiling, but then the next day he was back to being depressed. That was our first date because his mom doesn’t allow us to go anywhere. Anytime we do go anywhere he has to drive because I can’t. 4 months ago I was told that I have seizures, and anyone yhat has seizures can tell you that when you that every time you have a seizures you have to wait 6 months and I don’t even have my permit. I’ve never had to deal with depression so I don’t know what to say to him. Sometimes when we are talking about it he gets a little aggravated. I love him and would never leave him, he’s not abusive at all he has never hit me. He gets a little aggravated at times and I never know what to say to make him feel better. I feel like some of it is my fault because I don’t know what to say so he is basically dealing with it himself. He doesn’t need help from anyone else he doesn’t have this all the time it’s just every once in a while. I need help. If anyone has any advise for me or anything that they think might help I would greatly apprectiate it. I don’t think this is a very bad case but I want to help him get through it. He’s the sweetest guy ever and is so carrying. Please someone help me out, give me advise. I thank you in advance

    • Lindsay says:

      Hi Lexi I also have a boyfriend who has really bad depression before he moved hear to be with me he was not on his meds and I did not know he had really bad depression so i really did not know what I was signing my self up for its been a difficult road that we had to work together to go down I helped him get on meds and talk to the doctors researched online difference coping skills to help him when he’s up set after everything we have come up with a good plan but everyday is a new day and a new struggles some days are better then other u have to remember some days he will be happy and some days he won’t and u have to be OK with that but I have learned that communication is a very strong key when we are in a relationship with some one who has depression and being patient talking to them reminding him that u love him and u are always there for him will help him feel better when he’s feeling down also letting him know u will never judge or get mad at what he tells u when he’s upset that he can tell u anything building trust in your relationship so he will open up and talk to you but u can help him by doing fun things together exercising together help encourage him to find a hobby or something he used to do that he doesn’t do any more that makes him happy like my boyfriend likes to write he like listening to music so we use those things as coping skills for him . For an example if I know he’s upset I will ask him if he needs to go take a break and maybe he should go write in his journaland listen to music I give him 30 minutes to be by his self and within that time I give him privacy then I go ask him if you would like to talk about it if he don’t I always remind him that it’s OK and when he’s ready I will be hear to listen and I do make sure to ask him if he feel better it seems to really help so finding thing s he can do when he feels sad will help him cope with his depression and writing down on a journal will help him see what made him upset in the first place just remember to tell him whatever he writes in his journal is his own personal feelings you will not invade his privacy by reading it but he’s more than welcome to share his feelings in his journal anytime he wants with you you would be surprised how simple words like I’m here for you or you can tell me anything or just telling them that everything will be okay and giving them a hug makes a huge difference sometimes it’s not always words that has to be said it’s the actions that you give start off a little goals and work your way towards big ones if he’s always saying oh I really wanting do this you can say oh babe you should do it or Mabby we can do it together it would be fun I believe u can do it if u put your mind to it but when he wants to give up or stop doing it you can tell him that you believe in him that he can complete his goal but you understand if you don’t want to do it anymore either way u will be OK with his decision and I’m behind you 100% remember to always remind him that no matter what you’re here for him and you guys will do it together because your always hear to help him achieve his goals these are the things I’ve done with my boyfriend and he’s come a really long way I’m not a doctor but these are the things I personally used that I think helps I hope that could help you if u ever want to talk u can email me at uippi801 [at] gmail [dot] com 🙂 Lindsay

  82. Tina says:

    I am so relieved I have found this website, I’m feeling desperate living with my depressed husband. I’ve been with him 32 years and he’s always suffered depression but the last six months have been pure hell. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital but hated it and demanded to come out to which his family agreed.

    He seems to take everything out on me but suffocates me with love and affection at the same time to which I am struggling with. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions and him wanting my reassurance at all times. He constantly talks doom and gloom and wanting to die. He is slowly taking me down with him. Our family are deserting us slowly as they don’t understand or know what to do. I feel trapped and lonely looking after a baby. He wants everything done for him and spends most days in bed and not even eating.

    Sometimes we actually hit one another with temper and frustration, he can be quite frightening at times and I feel guilty as I want to run away. I spend most days crying at home and putting on a front when working. It’s taking its toll on me especially with lack of sleep as he roams the house many nights crying and talking to which I want to curl up and die, being fed up of hearing the same subjects that are worrying him over and over again!!!!!!

    I do feel sorry for him but even the support team who are looking after us are baffled and frustrated as he has no self help whatsoever in him. He’s so stubborn and won’t accept therapy etc.

    I am managing to keep my head above water with the help of our three grown up children- who no longer live at home and have their own lives to live but without them I don’t know what I’d do. I also try to keep my life normal as possible even though some days are almost impossible.

    • belinda says:

      I can relate to your story Tina. Ive been with my husband 22 years. Ive put up with hell with his depression but underneath is a beautiful soul. Ive just recently lost a parent and its all about him. Same as you put it, he takes everything out on me and also suffocates me with love and affection. I feel so lonely and am trying to deal with my loss and have him carrying on with over reactions on trivial things. I feel for your situation as i know what your going through, its just ashame that many of us feel so alone and suffer in silence.

  83. Mariana says:

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve been reading through the comments and these stories are quite upsetting. I need all of you ladies to know that depression is not an excuse and sometimes the relationship just isn’t meant to last as it can take a massive toll on your own mental health! Support and be there for as much as you can for your partner but they should know your limits and respect them if they really do love you.

    Ok so now to my dilemma, I’ve been with my partner for nearly a year now which doesn’t seem like a very long time compared to the stories below but I’ve previously have long term realationships of 4 years plus so when I meant my current partner Zach, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

    Everything has been perfect with him, no fight or any arguments everything is always talked about in a easy discussion. From the start he had let me know of his tough up bringing and that he had faced depression as a young boy. He told me that he used to be on medication before and that he got off it and made his was through life on his own without it. For the last month or so I haven’t felt very disconnected from him, he hasn’t been as affectionate as usual and itamacy has decreased. I thought it may have just been the honey moon finally finishing. I ignored it for a little while and then over the Christmas preast I voiced my opinion to him about it and he apologized and he agreed about his behavior and said he would make an effort to make more time for me.

    A week has passed since that talk and today he came out and told me that he is suffering with depression again and he is questioning wether or not it would be better to kill himself then suffer with this pain. Initially I was in shock but also glad that I finally knew what was going on. My best friend suffered with manic depression her whole life so I knew what to expect and it honestly terrified me to know that the love of my life is going through this. I had to run off into the toilets at work and cry because the thought of not only losing him but him leaving me behind crushed me.

    I just finished speaking to him about it and I’m feeling destroyed. For me growing up I always watched fairytales and strongly believed that love could fix anything. I just told him that’s how I felt and he said that sadly love does not fix everything. This broke my heart into a million pieces and I couldn’t stop crying for a good hour or so. I’ve never cried like that before in my life and I’ve been through a really badly abusive relationship previously. It made me feel like love isn’t real. It was like a small child finding out that Santa isn’t real, my hopes are crushed. I felt horrible for crying in front of him because I know it would of made him fee 100 times worse but I couldn’t control my tear and i also didn’t want to because I don’t ever want to hide the way I feel from him. I suggested he go back on his medication because I no longer want him to be a shell of a person like he’s been for the past month. It’s not only bad for him but it’s toxic to our relationship in the long run.

    I feel as though I can’t leave him alone and that if I do I might come back to him being dead. I fear for my future and having children with him. What happens if he leaves us all behind.

    I guess I’m just writing this because I need to express the way I feel and writing to me is the best form of release. I want things to go back to how they used to be when he was a bubbly young man. I’m scared about losing the love of my life.

  84. Carly says:

    My boyfriend and I have been long distance this past year since I moved but we had know each other for 12 yrs or so. He was supposed to move in with me but had a personal issue with his son so he postponed things and I understand. He has gotten very depressed since then though. When he had to postpone his move, he had to give up his job here and he’s devastated about it. He had already retired and sold his house back home so he’s living with his mother and is miserable. During this time though, we didn’t speak for a month because he was so withdrawn. I would text and leave simple messages to let him know I’m here for him and that I love him but I got nothing in return. Fast forward a few weeks and he seems to be himself again, not 100% but almost. Hea struggled thru the holidays since he’s not working but then he had a family member go into hospice and he’s been silent for a week now. I try to let him know I’m here for him and to call me whenever he can but I don’t want to push him. I feel like he’s already fragile because of the depression and now this. I’m so afraid hat when his family member passes, he’s going to go back into a dark depression but I am trying so hard to keep that from happening. The problem is, is that he won’t talk to me again. I’m heartbroken over this. In all these years, I’ve never seen him like this. He should be moving in a couple weeks but I don’t know what to do.

    • Diana says:

      Do you have an update?

      Long distance is so tough, because you can’t be there physically with them and you cannot see how they are feeling/acting. Is he willing to seek treatment? Are you taking care of yourself?

  85. Patti says:

    This is so fresh, it’s very difficult to even put down in words, but here goes….

    After a year of pain from a very extensive spinal reconstruction surgery, my significant other, whom I consider my soul mate, of nearly a decade, became more and more depressed….sleeping for days, becoming “paralyzed” over time, unable to act on anything…including expressing affection, taking care of responsibilities, though he had his own retail shop, adjoining my shop, and, the most problematic non-action of refusing to drive, which was a huge problem as we lived thirty minutes away from our work and the closest town. All responsibility began to fall on to me. He would acknowledge the situation and say he knew he was letting me down but he didn’t know why.

    A few days before my birthday this year, he asked me to choose an engagement ring so that we could be married soon. My birthday is on the twelfth of September. On September seventh, a remarkable and life changing situation occurred.

    We got into a quarrel, and I sharply stated that if he was going to refuse to help with anything, maybe he should go home (UK). We were living together in the US at the time, where I remain. Of course I didn’t mean it and have regretted the words since they escaped my lips. I laid down, in a state of ultimate frustration. I saw him walk down the driveway, with only forty dollars in his pocket. I thought he was just cooling down. I have never seen him again.

    After two horrific weeks of searching frantically, I discovered that he had wangled an airline ticket to England from an acquaintance, by regaling a wild tale of abuse. I was astonished that he would level such accusations at me. I had been a caretaker for him nad really given my all to our relationship.

    Since then, I have done all I can to find him. I travelled to England, spoke to all of our friends, who haven’t seen him and had no idea he had returned to the country. After diligently seeking answers, I found that he had arrived in the airport and slept there until the authorities moved him to a homeless hostel. I phone the hostel to discover that he had been “moved on” the day before.

    I feel both of our lives are shattered, and have no way to communicate with him. He has made no attempt to communicate with me whatsoever. To say I am confounded, confused, dismayed and basically gutted, is an understatement. Every day I make efforts to find his whereabouts but so far have had no success.

    I so wish I had seen an experienced psychologist or discovered this site some time ago so that I would have had a clue what I was dealing with.

    The pain I’m experiencing feel infinite and I am worried beyond measure about his well being. I fear that we will never see one another again.

    I will add to this commentary as I can, but for now, this is where I am. Alone, except for my trusty, confused pup, who we considered our “child”, confused and heartbroken.

    Any advice is welcome! Nasty commentary is not.

  86. Jolene says:

    I’m supposed to be walking down the Isle in 18 days to my partner. He has been battling cycles of depression for the last 2 – 3 years and in the last year it’s only gotten worse. It’s taken such a huge toll on me to the point where I don’t know if I’m making the right choice or not. It’s something I’m constantly wrestling with. There isnt an hour that goes by without me praying to God to give me some kind of an answer. Lately he’s been taking off in the late evening to go drinking, returning around the time I go to work in the morning. I can’t sleep without him there and he knows that. I’ll try and contact him but most of the time he doesn’t reply to my texts or answer my calls. If he does, it’s usually at 2 in the morning and he’s Usually letting me know that he’s going to get help and that I don’t understand anything. But in the morning, it’s like he just sweeps everything under the rug as if nothing happened, and if I try and bring anything up he rules it as me trying to start a fight. He’s worked maybe 6 or 7 days in the past 3 or 4 months. He always tells me that he’s going to work in the morning, but the second the alarm goes off he just turns it off and goes back to sleep. I’ve been dealing with all the finances and I really cannot afford to do so. I’ve had to take out small loans quite a few times the last 2 years and I’m fed up with it. All I want is for him to get better and I really don’t know what the next step is. I feel lost. This isn’t the person who proposed to me. I just want my fiance back.

    • Kristin says:

      Hi Jolene – so sorry you’re going through that. You don’t deserve it!! Have you threatened to leave him to see if he’ll try harder?

    • Lisa says:

      Wow….not sure how I stumbled on this page also
      But just reading other woman’s stories are in a way amazing
      I’m so sorry your going through this Jolene
      I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy xxx

      My partner & I have been together for 23 years engaged & have 5 beautiful kids
      My partners depression started about 4 years ago..
      We moved nearly 7 years ago due to him cheating & having a fresh start
      Everything was amazing I thought I had forgiven him for what he had done..
      But then I keep having flash backs of how I felt when I read all the emails between my partner & the other lady..

      I just keep thinking if he really loved me & the kids he wouldn’t have even wanted to start an affair or look side ways to anyone else…
      He was the kind of person that use to talk about other men cheating & disapproved of it big time

      Everything was great up until I decided to start back at work after having 17 years as a full time mum
      I opened a handmade shop with a lady I just met
      I had to travel 35 mins…put my daughter aged 3 into child care
      It was a big step for me…but I felt free for the first time in years & was loving it
      I was getting my independents back

      I was at work one day & out of the blue my partner arrive without notice…came in crying saying he needed help..
      That was the start of his depression
      It hit us both hard
      I didn’t understand it…I hated that this had happened to our family

      He got help..
      Was fine for a few years ..
      But still drinking alcohol about 4 a night…every night more on the weekends
      It’s always been a part of his life
      He grew up with a dad that drank every day…

      I hated it…it was taking my partner away from us
      He wouldn’t take is medication on time
      Keep skipping tablets thinking he was fine

      But then he turned very nasty
      Over protective…
      Accusing me of having an affair
      Mental abuse

      He said one day eat another block of chocolate…
      You are just turning into a cunt like your sister…
      My sister is a lovely person & my best friend
      He sometimes even seems jelouse of me spending time with our own kids…

      I would ask if I could go out for a few hours & he would reply with ….TO WHO
      We live together but not together
      We don’t talk & things are just getting worst
      He drinks even more & im sometimes scared of what he may do

      Sorry for the long post
      Xx ????

    • Victoriya says:

      Did you get married?

    • Jane says:

      Hi Jolene,
      I just read your post. I am so sorry for what you are enduring.
      Wondering if you got married.
      I will share with you my story.
      I have been married for 35 and 1/2 years.
      Had an argument with my husband just an hour ago.
      I googled “My husband is depressed and I can’t take it anymore” and came across this site.
      Some history of our marriage:
      -my husband was fired from his job 8 years ago.
      -he has been fired from every job he has had since then
      -length of jobs has been 2 weeks to longest being 14 months
      -he has been without work more than he has worked over the last 8 years
      -he angers quickly
      -he has spent hours, days, sometimes weeks at a time sleeping, drinking, or playing games on his phone
      -has been verbally abusive
      -ignores me when I talk, does not look at me when I talk
      -has been to 2 therapists; hard struggle getting him into therapy. He states he thinks he does not need help
      -His therapist recently requested me to speak with her. She told me me needs help. If not from her, with someone. He has had thoughts of harming himself.
      -he canceles appointments for his therapy
      -I could go on & on. I think you know what I am saying without listing anymore by what you have written.
      I can want a marriage all I want. He says he does, then there is no effort.
      I have planned every vacation we have been on, I manage the majority of responsibilities of running a household, I managed the majority or the responsibilities of raising our 2 children, I work 10 hours a day. I am tired.
      I come home to a husband in a recliner playing games on his phone who does hardly anything all day.
      It has been 8 long years.
      I have tried very hard.
      Depression is awful.
      Being married to someone with depression is hard.
      I hope you have made the best choice for you.

      • Tamara says:

        How long do you go on? How long do you hold yourself together with thin, almost breaking threads? How do you keep up the energy and not have a break down every single day? I am in the exact situation, and all I wan to do is run away. Hide, far away from him. I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore, and my spirit, my soul is darkening. I want happy. I want laughter. I don’t want to hold someone’s hand every single day of my life and do work for two people just because they can’t get their ass off the couch. How long do you hold on!?

        • Lorna says:

          This is where I am, Tamara. I could have voiced the same words. I know it’s an illness, but how much can anyone take? I honestly don’t know, nor do I think there is a right or wrong, or that anyone but we can answer that question for ourselves. Good luck xx

          • Olivia says:

            I have been with my husband for 12 years we have 2 beautiful children. He is from a different country and constantly says negative things about Ireland. He has a wicked temper and for the last couple of months I am scared.this sounds ridiculous but I would leave him only I’m afraid of what he will do. He calls me disgusting names when we argue.he tells me I should know by now to stay away from him when he gets like that and that he only gets violent because I provoke him. I’m currently going back to work after 6 years home with the children. I hope that I will be able for the job because it would be much better if I could financially support myself and my children
            I feel so alone because nobody knows what I’m going through I’m too embarrassed and I am the youngest of 6 children. My parents are already dealing with my sisters marriage break up. She has a baby and needs lots of support. Thanks for listening.

  87. Nicole says:

    I’m really glad that I stumbled upon this site. I’m not even sure how I ended up here on this page.. but I’ve seen some stories on here, so I hope it’s okay that I share mine…

    I have been with my partner for 4 1/2 years. Shortly after we began dating I found out about his depression. He has had counseling in the past and growing up, his family had many problems. I know for certain that his mother was verbally abusive and I believe now, from certain stories that he’s told me that he was also physically/sexually abused by his mother at a young age, and it probably continued/got worse as a teenager. His father was a drug-addict & abusive, went to jail, and now does not speak to him.

    Over the last few years, he has taken care of himself pretty well. He’s had bad weeks, but he’s always been able to pull himself out of it and be himself again, and he has been able to advance in his career, and personal life so much in the time that I’ve been with him. He proposed to me last December 2015, and it was wonderful. We had a happy, but short engagement because a few months ago we got married. When we got married, it was done quickly, very quickly. He told me he wanted me to get on his insurance since I was unable to be on my mom’s anymore, and that we were going to be married anyway eventually, so he really encouraged me and made me feel like it was the right thing to do.

    A month after we got married, it’s like a flip switched. He suddenly has spiraled into the absolute worst depression. He works 24/7 and I know he is stressed at his job. He tells me he feels like he will never be great at his profession (although I know that is impossible) He is very hard on himself. He repeatedly has talked to me about thoughts of suicide, ways in which he would do it, the fact that no one needs him, and that he believes life is meaningless. He told me it was a mistake to get married and that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. He told me of things he had expected out of marriage that he had never talked to me about before, and told me it was too late to fix it. He acted like he wanted a divorce, but then changed his mind.

    It’s hard not to get angry and offended when I talk to him about everything. I have been as supportive as I can be, day in and day out I try to make sure I do things that will help him feel less stressed, and relaxed when he comes home. I give him space when he needs it, and I’m always there when he’s ready to talk/needs to be held and comforted (which is a lot more recently). I have made mention of therapy and suggest meeting his Dr. to discuss options but he pretends like he’ll talk to someone and then never follows through. He also never even put me onto his insurance plan. He took our marriage certificate to work and claims that he has talked to HR about it, but I feel like he’s just lying.

    The fact is, I feel helpless and broken. I cry constantly and know that things may never go back to the way they were. He assures me that he loves me and tells me that he feels like he “doesn’t deserve me”. I begged him to tell me if he just didn’t want to be with me, to tell me, and I would leave. He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to be alone, but he refuses to get help.

    I have reached out to pro bono counseling services in my area, and hopefully I’m able to receive counseling for myself. This page has helped so much. Thank you.

    • Krys says:

      Hi Nicole,
      Your story is nearly identical to mine. I’ve been with my husband for a little over 5 years now. We got engaged in June 2016 & married in November 2016. Shortly after we started dating, I found he had struggled with depression, but nothing he couldnt handle. He had a great career and social life. Two weeks after we got married, his switch flipped. He became very angry, had crying spells, threatened suicide, feels like he’s lost everything in his life (he hasnt actually lost anything). It’s been a nightmare. He’s threatened divorce more times than I can count. We havent even been married a full two months. I’ve reached out to our family pastor at church and a counseling center for him and I both. We’ve been going twice a week. They prescribed anti depressants over a month ago, but he just started taking them 4 days ago. He’s had a full medical work up and full diagnostic psychological testing. He still argues the results. Still thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Constantly tells me I am unhappy and deserve better – yet i do nothing but reassure him that this is nothing but a bump in the road and we get get through this with counseling and medication. I am physically and mentally drained. I dont know what to do anymore. I’ve only been dealing with this a few weeks and I’m worn out. His mood swings are so drastic that they change hour to hour. How have you been coping? Have things gotten any better?

    • Diana says:


      I am in a similar situation. I’ve been with my husband for about 5 years, and we married beginning of this year. Immediately after we married, he started intensely studying for an exam and has been working ALOT. We were to move in after he took his test, but he asked me not to anymore. He is convinced that he failed the exam. He also told me it was a mistake to get married and that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. He told me all these issues about me that I think are fixable, and told me that the problems are innate in me. He acted like he wanted a divorce, but says he never imagined a day without me. I asked him if he was depressed (probably not the best way to approach that), and he said no because he still enjoys his job.

      I am trying to be supportive — giving him space, not pushing him for too many answers, expressing words of love here and there, essentially putting my life on pause while he goes through this. I’m having a really hard time myself — good-ish days and bad days. Unfortunately, a lot of my good days are contingent upon whether he has been responsive for the day or not. He seems when I stop contacting him for a couple days, he will reach out on his own (otherwise it is all on my own accord). I just pray things will get better and my old husband will be back, but after reading here and Depression Fallout, I’m afraid that it will only get worse…

  88. Fran says:

    It’s really hard to deal with someone who is depressed but refuses to help themselves. I’ve been with my bf for nearly 4 years now. I was diagnosed with depression 16 years ago and did everything in my power to heal myself as best I could. I also do everything I can DAILY to manage it. My bf didn’t tell me about his depression until I was committed to him with love. Then his true colours came out. I KNOW all about depression. He has become emotionally and verbally abusive to me and I stand by him like an abused wife, it’s shameful. He REFUSES to see a doctor, to read a book about depression, to CONSIDER medication or to even talk to a friend or me about it. He will spend days in bed while I support him financially.

    But me having gone through it, the GUILT is keeping me in the relationship 50% of the time. I’ve told him that if he won’t make any effort to help himself, that I will leave and not renew the lease with him. He says “fine, go ahead”. But I KNOW he wants to stay together, his pride mixed with his depression will likely end our relationship.

    Living with someone who has depression can work if the depressed individual is open to helping himself. Living with a depressed person who abuses you is monstrous and nobody should have to go through that.

    Right now I’m dealing with it as best I can. I detach from him, I’ve become more independent, I take good care of myself and I spend time with our pets and doing my own hobbies. He spends most of the days in bed or on his computer. I’m still loving and caring with him, but he is the one to initiate most things now because if I do, it’s like walking on eggshells. I never know if the response will be an immature “meh”, a hateful glare or just him ignoring me. So the heck with me. I often feel like the maid or his mother.

    Things got so bad that I started to self-harm to ease my own anxiety over the way he is treating me. That’s when I realized this is ridiculous. I was there and came back ALIVE, why am I wasting my time with someone who won’t do a thing for himself? Yes, I do love him, but even the boundaries I’ve set are constantly being broken. He tests me all the time, and my guilt has allowed him to get away with it. I feel like he’s my child and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that anymore. I don’t owe anyone anything.

    I’ve done everything I can but I refuse to ruin my own life and fall back into depression because of someone who refuses to help themselves. I know I sound harsh, but I am resentful towards him because it’s HE who is going to break us apart. I KNOW it’s difficult, but at one point you have to make a choice. If you can’t do it yourself, get help. But if you refuse help, don’t expect people to stand by you when you are abusive or apathetic towards them.

  89. Katie says:

    It’s almost therapeutic to write on this board, so I just want to address some of the hopeless feelings some of you are writing about. (BTW as I write this, my boyfriend is in the other room, not speaking to me. We got in a dumb argument yesterday and now I’m giving him space. Ugh, so annoying.)

    I’ve been with my guy for a long time, with small break-ups between (largely due to the turmoil caused by his depression and moodiness). At times he seems very genuinely unhappy (with his place in life, with himself, with the world around him)….and at times he is a fun loving goof. In general, we are very very happy together.

    I really encourage all of you to google the term “HSP” or “highly sensitive person.” You’ll learn how some of us are born more sensitive – more sensitive to light, sound, smell, emotions, criticism… just more sensitive to life in general. Things affect them more than others, and as a result, life can be truly exhausting for them. They are really special people; many of them are very intelligent, sometimes great artists or musicians. They are prone to depression and anxiety.

    Learning about HSP’s, I started getting light bulb moments. First light bulb: my boyfriend is aaaabsolutely one of these highly sensitive people. No question.

    Consider travel: My guy always ruined every trip we went on. We could be in the coolest city or on an amazing road trip, and all he would want to do is stay in the lay in the hotel room and watch TV. And he would be on edge the ENTIRE time. I realized something — when he is away from home, he is away from his comfort zone…he can’t help it: traveling just stresses him the f out.

    I also realized that he never really wants to DO anything. Like concerts, ball games, festivals… he always seems miserable. For years it was the same: he would come with me to these things, and he never seemed to have fun. I always thought he was just an a-hole, I thought he was essentially pouting because I was “dragging him along” to these things. But just this year (after 9 YEARS), we finally had a serious talk and it became clear to me: crowds are a major source of anxiety for him. I finally *got* it.

    It can be tough for guys (and some girls) to recognize and vocalize to us WHY they act the way they do. Anxiety can be a major culprit. He always felt like he was disappointing me, but now I can be a source of strength for him in his anxious times.

    If you love someone, you have to treat them gently. They will never be perfect. Help them along, be there to help them work through it. If they are working through their issues, then stand by them. They aren’t as strong as we are in some situations, but it’s our job to help them become strong.

    I do have to say though…if they are not working at it, consistently, then you have to save yourself. If they aren’t putting in the work, then please recognize it. Granted, everyone has a bad day (or week), but if they are consistently dragging you down, you have to seriously consider getting out of it.

    • Natalie says:

      Hey Katie,

      you sound like a strong woman. How do you guys continue to travel and do things that you like to do that involve crowds? Have you put these hobbies aside, do them alone, or what? i’m only in year 2 with my partner and am trying to decide if our differences are significant enough to end our relationship or if they can be worked on…My partner couldn’t keep up on vacation and i felt as if I was missing out on things I wanted to do because she didn’t have the energy or a strong enough desire to do all of the things I did. I’m also noticing that her anxiety and depression “flare up” when there is an event approaching, such as a music festival or if I’m out of town on business or visiting family, when her family calls or visits, and when we have company coming over, whether for the night or for a long weekend… I grew up in a home where my parents entertained alot and I love that way of life – I like to have a couple friends over for supper or to watch a ball game, or to use our spare bedroom if they live out of town. the repercussions of doing these things are almost not worth the good time because of the anxiety and panic it brings my partner…and thus the guilt and fight about me “caring about my friends more than I care about her”. what do i do, stop having friends over to our house?! we live in a great location and have plenty of space.. this is something I don’t ever want to stop doing. I feel so lonely and bored when I don’t get to socialize with people other than my partner and my coworkers. I’m starting to feel like my partner is deadweight hanging onto my back. I don’t want to feel like that, but she’s been saying she wants to/needs to get help for over a year and it still hasn’t happen. she is a chronic procrastinator and has looked for a doctor, but the ones she decided she’d like to speak to don’t take her insurance or won’t accept a new patient at this time. I’m seriously debating if i should continue this or not, but we live together, so it’s really hard to separate. I’ve tried breaking it off before and it doesn’t work. she goes nuts and I have to talk her down and then we cry and hug and makeup… This cycle is not good for my mental health. So many fights have been about her not speaking to a doctor. You can lead a horse to water….. PLEASE tell me what advice you have based on your experiences. Thanks!!

  90. Steph says:

    Thank you for writing this. I have known my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, but it feels like a lifetime. Our relationship is long distance and he told me about his depression from the start. His depression has caused him to cut me out of his life twice before. Where he would break up with me and tell me we would never talk to each other again because it’s “better for me that way”. I, in no way indicated that his issues were too much for me, if anything I gave him all of the love and support I could. Anyway, fast forward to the last few months… He never kept those promises and ended up talking to me again after a few weeks (the second time 3 months) and he told me that this time he was serious, that he wouldn’t assume the baggage I could or couldn’t handle and that he wanted something long term because he wanted a future with us together. I ended up staying with him for a week this past August and it was wonderful and I never imagined the relationship would work, frankly bc I’m a pessimist when it comes to my self-worth and I don’t really believe I’m good enough in any way for him. Lately though his depression has been very bad, he is often suicidal, and I’m not sure how to go about telling him to get help. All I do is tell him that I really think he should but I don’t know how to show him how his depression is hurting me without making it seem like I’m blaming him for something. And I’m afraid if I do tell him how it’s hurting me he’ll do what he did before and instead of getting help, completely cut me out of his life again.

    I’m just trying to take it day by day. Since our relationship is long distance, I have even less of an ability to do anything for him. We’ve barely talked in 2 weeks. I feel like he is slipping away from me and I’m afraid he’ll forget about me altogether. Anyone I talk to about it tells me the same thing, that he shouldn’t treat me badly even if he is depressed and that I should just leave. But it’s NOT that simple. I also find that the people in my life I talk to about it have hardly any knowledge/experience of mental illness. The only person that understood what I was going through was a friend of mine who has depression and suicidal thoughts and she got where I was coming from. It makes me feel wrong when everyone is telling me one thing but my heart is telling me another.

    I have no outlook for the future. I can’t see myself a month from now, never kinda year, or 2, or 10. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with him because he is the love of my life. But his mental illness makes me more pessimistic and sad. I want him to get help. I need him to get help or one day I’ll fall apart while I watch him fall apart.

    • Kristin says:

      Hi Steph – how are things now? I’m going through such a hard time with my “boyfriend” now. If you would like to talk was can. I’m trying to take it day by day and it’s so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and it’s only week 3. I constant feel sick. Please reach out if you can.

  91. eve says:

    hi im just after some advice as i am a loss of what i can do. i have been with my fiance nearly 3 years but we have been good friend for around 5 years, i love him so much and cannot imagine my life without him but i am struggling t cope with his depression. when we first got together we were great and we still have some brilliant days and great fun times 3 months ago he got a new job after being made redundant from his job 4 months after we got together and since then his depression has been improving even though he says otherwise i can see him improving, however he lost his job last week and i am terrified he is going to go back to being much worse which i currently and dont think i will be able to handle again, i currently have a broken arm and i am a type one diabetic and i really need caring for and support myself right now and with his depression i am not getting any help myself and i cannot help him in the state i am in.
    i am frustrated that i cant work until my arm is healed and that i cant drive or go out yet he can he has all the ability to go to work or go out in the sunshine or for a drive and talk t people and it makes me incredibly angry with his depression that he wont i physically cant and he wont and we are finding ourselves arguing more because we are both in need of support and niether is giving it. i am tryng but i cant emotionally take on anymore right now. i am aware i have attatchment issues as in every previous relationship i have been cheated on and have large problems with trust so i am very open about what im doing wherei am and who im with, but he is the opposite he ikes his own section of privacy and it makes me incredibly nervous and insecure. i being aware of my issues i do try to give him space and privacy but right now i need him to be there for me like i have been thee for him through his depression the last 2 years but he isnt and i really dont know what i can do from here. it seems like all my dream of a home and family are getting lost and pushed away because of the depression and i dont want to ls them but i dont know how to help him or myself. im just so lost.

    • Kristin says:

      Hi eve. How are things now? I’m not in your exact situation – mine moved out. But talks to me daily. But, I can’t trust him either when he was the most trustworthy guy beforehand. I’m at a loss as well. I don’t even know if we’re still together or just tog but living apart. Confused.

      • Peta says:

        Hi Kristin,
        What you wrote there is EXACTLY my situation.. would you be interested in communicating with me about strategies, or just having a vent in general?

        • Kristin says:

          Hi Peta – sure! Should I email you?

          • Peta says:

            Absolutely! I think it may be helpful to me to speak to someone in what seems to be a similar situation. I’m just finding it so hard to figure out what to do right now ????
            petahayes1978 [at] gmail [dot] com

  92. Logan says:

    Thank you for posting this. I feel like my girlfriend’s depression has been killing a lot of our emotional intimacy and making me feel really neglected. Most of the time she’s fine but recently she’s been getting into it really badly – to the point where just remembering her childhood and how she can’t re-live those days has her (for lack of a better word) moping for 4-5 hours. She has little motivation to do anything and will make plans with me when she’s in a better mood then drag through it barely talking when it’s time to do it. She also doesn’t want/doesn’t give affection that much – very very little. She’s also taken to making cruel jokes at my expense like telling me she doesn’t consider me a real man (said while I was crying about something) and how I’d be a bad father because I was startled by a noise – both she only told me were ‘jokes’ days after, but I feel she was just backpeddling and she really just said them to take out her frustrations on me.

    I read the article but I still don’t know what to do. I can try to help myself and her but it’s hard when she seems unwilling to even try to not take it out on me.

  93. Manju says:

    I have been living with a depressed partner for last 23 years. I have no one in my family or in his family to share what I am going through. This has not only affected me, but my son as well. I feel I could not do for my son, what I should have done. More than me, I suffered when I saw my son suffering. I have kept patience. But over time, I feel I am getting affected–I feel depressed and overwhelmed–unloved and uncared for. I have felt humiliated and have lost my self-esteem. I feel scared to come home everyday from office, or to face him. Now I decided to ask for a transfer to a different duty station–so that I can recover from the stress of all these 23 years and hopefully start thinking straight again. But I suffer from guilt feeling as well–for being living him alone. I am not filing for divorce or anything, but I think I am no more able to take that in. However, I am not ready to accept that fact either. I just need some help on how to deal with this.

  94. Mon says:

    Help who do I ask this from I can’t turn to his family he doesn’t have close friends we have been together 14 years and now scared everyday what I’m going to face when I get home from work of the weekends oh god I just want to hide

    We had bad neighbours few years back then last year a new set arrived that were ten times worse we have gone through stress together I think i would say I got to breaking point I got help he refused to now I’m trying every day to keep calm and ignore the noise from neighbours and not worry about everything just want to be happy but it’s not possible because my partner now drinks every day doesn’t go out spends more tine off work than at it shouts back and bangs walls and doors when neighbours are bad they don’t care I can’t get him to calm down I spend most evenings hiding in bedroom trying to deal with any fall out
    I’ve taken him to docs and been given number to call he hasn’t done that I’ll try do it for him Monday he won’t take pills says why does he have to I’m not allowed to take over I’ve been given either as he says we are not been driven to that way of life
    My work have madd comments they hear me arguing or trying to calm him down on the phone as he calls all the time with slightest issue screaming down phone stressed

    I want to help him he doesn’t really have anyone else to turn too and I do still care for him but I also want to stop crying all the time and pushing my friends away as j can’t leave him on is own not trusting what he will do and nights

    He sounds bad but he never used to he I don’t know how to help him or what to do the alcohol doesn’t help but he won’t stop

    Huge part of me wants to pack and leave my I’m so scared of what he will do prob end up being arrested or hurting himself or me I don’t know where to turn there really isn’t anything out there where like a walk in clinic just to help yet this seems common enough

  95. Elizabeth says:

    So hello to whoever reads this. I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. We are both 22 and in college. When we first met he was the man of my dreams. All I could think about was him and our future. He used to be affectionate and hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me he loved me. We would spend all of our free time together. The list of his great qualities could go on forever, but that was old him. About a year and a half ago he started to change. He didn’t do the things he loved, didn’t want to go out and do things, stopped showing any kind of emotion towards me. Now on year 3 I feel that I have completely lost myself. He constantly yells at me and picks fights over everything. He makes me feel like I am the one with the problem. Today is his birthday and he won’t even open the gift I got him or get out of bed. Not only is his school work suffering from it but so is mine. I have to do everything around the house or nothing would get done. Between mothering him and trying to keep everything else from falling apart I have stopped caring. My sadness is now turning into anger and resentment. I love him more than anything and I wish there was something I could do but I have tried everything. I have even started to find myself crushing on a coworker and flirting a little bit. I feel like such a horrible person because I love my boyfriend but I need love, I need attention, I would love to go a whole day and not feel sad or guilty or like I have lost myself. I am constantly worrying, crying, and a million different things I am to my breaking point. I miss the old him and I know I will never have him back. I don’t know if I should leave him or what. The fact that we live together makes things difficult, but he (hopefully) graduates in like 2 weeks. Reading these posts and knowing I am no lone is a little comforting but I feel like nothing will make me the care free fun loving person I used to be.

    • Bswa says:

      Hi there! Sorry you have to go through this too, I’ve learned the hard way. Don’t wait for him to push yiu definitively away, there is one thing to do to protect yourself and that is taking a step back, let him work on his own because mothering them might be good in the immediate for them but not for the long run. They need to face the consequences of their actions and they need to decide to get better. If that means leaving them alone and let them fall further, that might be the only way. Or letting him know you won’t stay if he doesn’t step up his game and see a psychiatrist. I should have done it months ago, when I saw my ex dealing with anxiety with alcohol over and over again but she has fallen deeper now and totally cut me off, after 3 years of a very loving and intimate relationship. I know it’s hard but doing nothing will only delaYing things. Good luck

      • Elizabeth says:

        And like today when he asks why I act a little irritated it’s just like really? I can’t be just a little off one day? Then he pulls the you aren’t going through anything you aren’t the one affected. It’s like explaining to him that I have to put up with a lot on my side too, especially from him, is pointless and a battle I won’t ever win.

        • TJ says:

          Sweet girl,
          What I am going to say to you now- might sound hard. I don’t mean it to be insensitive. I speak from knowledge and experience. I am married to a man who hid his depression from me until after the birth of our children. I am ten years in now. If I could go back in time- I’m not sure I would marry him. I go back and forth on it- because without him- I would not have my children. But our life is a daily roller coaster and I’m in constant debate over whether or not it’s less damaging for them if I divorce him or to stay in a home where he treats me with constant belligerence and verbal abuse. I’m picked apart and told I’m not good enough. I’m in a constant state of hurt and panic. I know you love him now- but I’m going to say to you what I wish someone had said to me. If you don’t have children with him- get out of there. It’s not worth it. It is so much harder once you get married. Especially when you have little children. There is no pain like watching your spouse snap at your sweet little daughter because the noise she’s making is agitating him during a depressive episode. The damage keeps piling on. One day- you will have kids and I hope and pray you love them enough to build a strong foundation for them- to show them what love really is. Or they will marry someone just like him. Prayers for you and for your discernment. I don’t mean to be the one who says, “abandon him in his time of need.” But- my word- if only someone had told me this. My life would be so different.

          • CRYSTAL says:

            Reading your comment made me think of my situation.I have been with my bf for over 8 years and had to deal with the same stuff as you have.The constant roller coaster can be damaging to a person..I wish I never met him at times. Like your husband my bf has snapped at his son as well as my brothers and sister.I am very uneasy with taking him out to places because he makes a scene. I wish I had someone say to leave him soooner.I have missed so much.

          • Amy says:

            TJ – please leave this man. Neither you, nor your children need to be subjected to such torture. I can tell you from my own experience (with an abusive husband, who I believe was mentally ill…I just didn’t know it at the time), that it is WAY better for you to leave than to stay and keep being abused. Yes, it hurts you and the kids to leave. But it also shows them your strength and courage. It shows them that it’s more important for you to protect, love and care for THEM than it is for you to stay with him. And what example do you want your children to learn from? Because what they SEE is what they learn. Not what you try to teach them or talk to them about. They become what they see. They might not wind up being a depressed, abusive person like their Dad. But they may become an enabler who is in a miserable relationship, being taken advantage of and abused. They won’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Then they grow up & have to traverse the rough waters of life and relationships and learn the hard way on their own. My kids are adults now & ive seen them suffer and suffer some more because of the example that was set for them. Kids mirror our behaviors in adolescence and adulthood. Please get your kids away from this toxic situation. Protect and shield them. Sooner rather than later.

          • WM says:

            I am 15 years in, 2 kids. My husband is a provider and does not say cruel things…. he just does not talk. There is constant silence expect to answer and ask direct questions. On good days he is active, on bad days he walks around like someone just shot his dog but always words are few. It has not always been this bad but since I demanded he start talk therapy in addition to his meds it has actually gotten worse. The kids know he is different but love him for him. I protect them from it as much as I can. He is a better dad than husband although when he snaps it is scary luckily that is not often. Leaving seems to be the only option yet I have not been able to do so. There is a co dependency that we have developed and I love him just hate the disease. It is isolating and lonely.

    • sarah says:

      I really do feel for you, so sorry. My husband had suffered from undiagnosed depression for over 10 years and just 2 years ago sought help although he now refuses to take any medication or go to counselling. It is an emotional rollercoaster and when he is in a bad place, life for me is very difficult. He ignores me, won’t engage in conversation, becomes extremely irritated with me and generally life is difficult on a day to days basis. You need to protect yourself from the way that he treats you and also bear in mind that you are very young so life is full of oppurtunity for you. Once you go down the road of having children it makes it very difficult to leave and start again and that is exactly where I am now. Please take care of yourself as you are not responsible for the way he feels.

  96. Jay says:

    I can’t thank you all enough for sharing your stories – it makes me feel like I am not alone in this battle. My boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and ADD, and he also moves in cycles. Every 6 months, he breaks up with me, and then he’s back. Thankfully, he finally heeded my advice and started seeing a counselor in October after our last “break up”. Initially, he improved remarkably. He was chipper, had high spirits, and was hopeful for the future. In the past 1-2 months, he has steadily declined and verbally expressed that he feels like a hamster in a wheel and is making no progress in his sessions. He reduced his visits from every week to every other week. Despite this, I am always trying to be his cheerleader and advocate. I go out of my way to attempt to make things better and show him how much I care for him.

    Well it’s 6 months since October, and the darkness has returned. He is beginning to speak about his lack of hope for our relationship, that he has no life goals, and he thinks we are wasting our time. He has started removing himself from me, and I’m sure it’s only a matter of days before he ends things again. I, too, have begun to feel hopeless and am exhausted by this process. I find it hard to emotionally invest in him when I feel very little security in our relationship. So the question remains: Do you stay and fight for someone you love with no guarantee or return or do you let them succumb to their own demons alone? He has no one else but me to talk to as he does not have real relationships with others. Without me, he will be utterly alone, and it is my greatest fear that in that solitude he will do something damaging to himself – whether physical or mental.

    • Bswa says:

      I understand what you are saying, I feel the same, like each time she had anxiety, our relationship was in danger, i felt like I had to be the cheerleader but didn’t have anyone to cheer me up when I got tired of all. Now she is in a darker place, like you she doesn’t have anyone else to trully speak but maybe that’s what she wants, she broke up, turned on me in a week, from very in love to not liking me. At the end, i do know she has been worse and that leaving me is a way of not needin to deal with a relationship, and to deal with the illness. I’m afraid you have to let him fall on his own if you don’t want to fall yourself, take care of you and he has to take care of him for once, that’s the only way you both grow and find each other I a better place and better state.

      • Rocky says:

        How is everything working out for you and your relationship?

        • Bswa says:

          Sadly I gave her space, silent treatment she didn’t come back to me using the excuse she was moving and wanted an address where she could send stuff. I answered I was going there next month and if she felt like it we could grab coffee since anything is a good excuse to get my fix of Frappuccino; ) as an answer she said she would give the stuff to my brother (her boss) the next day and said it wouldn’t be appropriate to meet as she was seeing someone. Why in hell did she bother me instead of giving the stuff to my bro directly like she did 3 months ago when she freaked out on me. It’s sad she feels like she has to hide from me, because I know this is what it is about, facing the reality. It’s sad to treat a person who has been the best to you for 3 years, who has been your confident and the o l’y person in your life you have been so close to, it’s sad not to even be able to keep that bond. I’m being treated like a poison and it kills me knowing that we won’t get a chance anything soon to meet since I live an ocean away now and that I will be there, in the same city for a month but she rather hides in a hole. What can I do? !

  97. Josiane says:

    I’ve been dating someone who’s been dealing with depression for most of his life, silently. He has gone to see psychologists but has never told them he has a problem. We’ve been dating for two years now and he just admitted to me that he has already tried to kill himself, and that if he hadn’t met me would have done so again. Our relationship has been a battle since the beginning. We’ve begun to resent each other, I have been feeling used and neglected for a long time. He has been feeling like I don’t care about his feelings, I feel the same. I honestly really care abiut him but I’ve been so out of sorts in this relationship that breaking up with him has been on my mind for it seems like almost our whole relationship. I don’t know what to do anymore, it doesn’t feel like I’m able to move past this. He wants to but I feel like we can’t ever be truly happy together anymore. I feel so helpless and useless. I don’t even feel comfortable having sex with him anymore. I just feel terrible I want to help him but this part that wants to leave is overwhelming. I feel like a terrible person. I don’t know how to face him anymore…

  98. Patsy says:

    My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression and has already been diagnosed with ocd.the ocd we have learned to live with over the years however the depression is quite recent although I feel it’s been on going for a.little.longer.they aren’t good at opening up about things d inform wAnt her to feel like I’m pushing her to talk either she will.sometimes then others keeps it in thenexplodes.all I can do is be there when she needs.it’s.difficult to as the ocd has an impact on me as I.offer to do things around the house but am.told no because I’m.hopeless this isn’tmeant as.nasty it’s because of the ocd it has to be done her way.any advice on the best way forward would be appreciated she has recently started medication and awaiting psychology

  99. jj says:

    Wow, its horrible that depressed people are being labeled here as attackers. Theres some good advice there, just please remove all that attacking nonsense. Thats another issue.

    • Anonymous says:

      To be honest. Both should feel attacked and victimized. Depression littering is a contagious potion. It distorts the mind and body. It takes control of situations, and thinking. .. of course when you look at it in the scoop of both sides. Both will feel hopeless, isolated, frustrated, agitated, un happy. …ect. I think it starts with each individual. Depression is a illness. It’s not going to magically vanish away. It takes time and patience to accept you both are greatly affected. The biggest thing both need to remember is you won’t all ways understand one another. They don’t know what you go through nor do you know know what they are going through. Biggest problem is you make each other the problem when the problem has been and will be depression. You. Otherwise need help in different ways. It’s not a one time cure all pill you take. It starts step by step. Start with healthy boundries. The depression needs boundries… most intimate relationship don’t have good boundries. Think about your girls or boys you might have or hope to have. On their first date would you want them to have sex, get pregnant, and be a single person. Of course not that’s absurd. You want them to have boundries so they are not exploited. Depression is like a mistress with the evil intent to destroy. Nothing good happens when you both get socked into depression. Just be patient and understanding with yourself and your partner… they are sick and need help! They are still human, and your lover. They might just be lost and out of control… just like you could be!

    • whitepointer says:

      It is a fact that depressed people get moody, angry, and argumentative being like that myself. The significent others also suffer as well and my H has yelled at me and said things that are unhelpful due to his frustration.

  100. Trudy says:

    My girlfriend is suffering from depression. I don’t recognise the person I fell in love with apart from rare fleeting moments when I see the old her. She was the most fun, sexiest and loving partner, it felt great to be with her, she made me feel like a million dollars. Now she makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly and a fool. I lived through this with my now ex-wife and after 7 years I couldn’t cope anymore and was so very unhappy and lonely. I don’t know what to do, my gf won’t talk about it and is so cruel and cold at times, I just don’t know if I can survive going through all this again. She seems to be conpletely devoid of any understanding of how much her behaviour is hurting me and calls me ‘needy’. We go out socialising a lot usually with her crowd and she’ll sit and talk and laugh with other people but hardly speak to me. Last night we were in a club with lots of her old friends she sees all the time and she just disappeared for well over an hour leaving me sitting there like a lemon. When she reappeared she saw I was upset and just turned her back and didn’t speak to me. I tried to talk to her about it on the way home but she said there was nothing to say. I asked her if she actually gave a damn and she said she didn’t know. I haven’t heard from her since. Do I fight for the relationship or do I walk away? I love her I really do but after 7 years of fighting previously I don’t know if I can do it all over again. Been crying all day, just feel so confused and hurt.

    • Bswa says:

      Sorry you have to go through that. If you need to talk you can go on the depression fallout board, a lot of support there.

    • Tito says:

      DEEP breath, fffffffff, let it out. I too was contemplating running away. By seeing this page and posts I don’t feel alone, thank you, bless you all. God bless America and never surrender!

  101. Dermot says:

    hi guys, im 25 (26 in few days) iv been dealing with depression and anxiety since I turned 7 years of age. iv tried suicide on numerous occasions but never went ahead with it as iv never had the guts to go through with it. now I have my good times but most of the time its bad. I dont leave the house as im scared, scared of what I dont know but I get severe panic attacks. Iv been signed off of work and put on disability. but none of that is my problem, my problem is my wife. we’re together for 5 years and married for 1 1/2 years and have 2 kids together. since the birth of our first child my wife has developed post natal depression has OCD and since the birth of our 2nd baby she has developed anxiety and its really bad. Everything is just blown way out of proportion, she gets very dramatic. when I confront her about it all I get back is ‘you dont understand me and what this is doing to me and how it feels’ etc. she knows since recently it has taken over her life and is stopping her from going forward. I dont know what to do as we are simply broke and cant afford therapy for her. we are constantly arguing. before we used to be close and wish each other good night/good morning, but this morning I woke up too her roaring you dressed the bed wrong, u didn’t fix the curtains right and she goes off on one and im like WTF is happening. so tonight again she just gets up off the chair goes upstairs and thats it im left sitting here right now trying to figure out what iv done or not done now. Her mother knows whats going on but unfortunately dont have the means to help either. her parents are quite old in their early 70s and my mother is just worthless altogether but has been all my life. my father is dead and he topped himself when I was 7 but I never really knew him as he was on the run for most of the 7 years but anyway getting back my wife. suicide seems to easy for me. but I know what its like to only grow up with 1 parent and I really dont want my kids growing up the way I did. my wife has said similar things about suicide and it came down to the kids stopping her from doing so. I am at the lowest level of my life and seriosuly finding it hard to just keep going. I dont want to live in this hell we call life anymore I dont know what to do, her condition is just worsening each day now. I dont know what to do. im a man and the least thing sets me off. im an emotional wreck. if something sad on tv I cant stop my eyes filling up with tears. after every argument we have I goes to a seperare room or to the bathroom and im crying uncontrollably even writing this now I cant help but cry it just keeps coming and won’t stop I just cant take it no more. please some helpful advice would be very much appreciated. If I were to write everything down i think a copy book just wouldnt be enough. their has to be other solutions other than psychiatrists phycologists and other professional people.

    Please help and thanks for taking the time to read all this.

    ps I dont want to write any names incase she comes across this and thinks im talking about her problems with the whole world.

    • natalie says:

      D, i’m really sorry to read that this is what your life has become. do you know that there are free crisis lines you can call at anytime and someone will answer and help you find a way to cope and improve your situation?? Social workers are a less expensive option than mental health doctors. Just writing your story out was helpful in a small way – you took the first step. you aren’t just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you are making strides towards the change you want, and for that I am proud and hope that you are too. I always knew that the chemicals in my brain weren’t exactly perfect, but I stayed away from therapy as long as I could. 28 years to be exact. One day I had a complete breakdown in a public park and I knew I could not afford to not get help. Now I’m on medication but my partner is not, which makes it very complicated and challenging to coexist in the same household. Even though I feel 95% better than I did at this point last year, it seems like we have become triggers for each other. what started out as a relationship consisting of teamwork, fun, trust, and great sex has now turned into an explosive relationship where terrible things are said to each other, things are thrown and broken, and the only time I get skin contact is when she’s physically pushing me out of her way. don’t let this be you. if you want your marriage to work out you BOTH need help. one person getting help may make things better for a hot second, but it can’t work if one person is broken and one is on the mend. best of luck! i hope you guys can come back together.

  102. Sheila says:

    Hi everyone!

    I need help w/ dealing with my depressed partner.

    I have and still do have depression. I actively fight it, and set myself behavioral plans etc. I am in school and don’t have insurance that covers mental health so I don’t see a therapist right now. Additionally I have been dealing with a little bit of PTSD from a family trauma 3 years ago. My brother has Schizophrenia and tried to stab our mother to death with a kitchen knife. I stopped it. Needless to say it has had a significant impact. I moved away about 2 1/2 years ago so I could focus on myself and just take care of me for a little while. Best decision I ever made. I went back to school, made schedules, made behavioral plans, begin exercising, setting habits, stopped judging myself, stopped letting self worth be attached to what others thought, stopped avoidant behaviors, became aware of the warning signs, developed a course of action for every warning sign, didn’t try to hide it (was honest with myself and others), internalized “a lapse is not a collapse,” and for the first time in my life put myself and what I wanted out of life first. Of course the depression, anxiety, and PTSD were still a big part of my life, but they no longer controlled my life. For the first time in my adult life hope began to creep back into my life. It is the most amazing feeling. I get a little better at the administrative tasks of life month by month. When they got the better of me for a while it didn’t result in a spiral. I just told myself a lapse is not a collapse. My recovery time was quicker and quicker. I received enough music scholarships to fund my music therapy degree. My GPA was consistently around a 3.7. Some days everything seemed lke the Hoover Dam, but I powered through using behavioral plans.
    About a little over a year ago I met my current partner. I literally told her/warned about it right off the bat. I told her about the day I had decided that I wanted more out of life, and set about taking the steps to make it happen. I told her about how I was learning to make space for and live with my depression and anxiety. I told her that despite the years of anti depressants my mental health had ruled my entire adult life (4 of which were compounded by dealing with/caring for my non compliant schizophrenic brother). That the decisions I made to change aspects of my day to day life – moving to a city that had both culture and nature, behavioral plans, exercise, hiking gardening, biking for transportation, scheduling, and basically deciding to love myself to invest in me – are the only thing that have ever provided actual relief and the emergence of hope, or at least a glimmer of it, as an actual feeling from time to time. I didn’t pretend to be anything other than I was/am. I was/am ok with my daily struggle with mental health. I had promised to stop being ashamed of who I was and part of that was not hiding it. It wasn’t broadcasting it to the world, but being open about it in an intimate romantic relationship was definitely going to have to be part of it. So as I said I didn’t do what I (and I think most people do) had always done and pretend I was different/hide it from people when starting relationships. She said she was more than OK with that. She actually really appreciated it.
    After a few months together it became clear that she suffered/had suffered from depression. She wasn’t an emotionally happy and paragon of mental health. The more time we spent together I realized that she smoked weed all day everyday as a way to deal with it. She has a great career working for apple from home AKA she isn’t your typical stoner so you don’t realize how much she smokes until you spend days at a time together. She finally told me about her depression. She told me how she a taken prozac for a time years ago, but that it made her feel awful. I also realized she had a drinking problem. Whisky bottles everywhere.
    Flash forward almost a year. We are still together. I love her. She is sober – for now. Her depression has compounded. She refuses to go to AA. She refuses to go see a counselor or try SSRIs. We have spent the majority of the past year talking about her doing those things. Taking the steps to get help. We have also begun fighting more. Sometimes it is about her getting help. Every time it turns into a huge fight/emotional inability for me to cope with things as they are, she starts to cry, say she will go seek help (she has fantastic insurance), that she i going to make lists, make behavioral plans, that she doesn’t want things to stay the way they are, etc. Then nothing changes. she talks about all the things she is going to change about herself. AND I always tell her to stop. Slow down. There is nothing wrong with who she is. She isn’t defective. She just needs to seek help, and to stop putting pressure on herself. AND then she always says yeah I know i need to see a counselor, but I also need to change things. For about a week she tries to implement all these changes, tells me she is looking up counselors, looking up times and locations of AA meetings and even sometimes calls a counselor to leave a message. She talks nonstop about what she is doing and going to do. Then her massive changes are of course to much to do all at once so she starts to let a few go and then within ever two weeks has completely thrown in the towel.

    My mental health is starting to deteriorate, I am starting to feel trapped and helpless, I am starting to fall back into bad old habits, or more aptly non-habits, and I am starting to sink. I am starting to feel that emotional zap or suffocation around her that I felt around my family. It feels cold when I am with her. That feeling of mutual warmth or love is no longer there. When we are together I feel like I am around an emotional black hole. The effects are talking over my life and so many of my own warning signs or red flags AKA manifestations of my depression are back and it is all I can do to just keep myself from slipping back even further. I still logically know there is hope and that I can do it, but I haven’t felt hope in months that it is getting harder and harder to keep convincing myself that there is. I am scared and so sad.

    I don’t know what to do?

    I just told her that I am going to need more alone time and space to get done what I need to get done. She is OK with it, and thinks it is a good idea that I focus on my school work and we make plans to see each other on certain days. I am hoping that I can stabilize myself again, and then, now that I know her fully,
    be able to help her as well. I guess I am thinking that this time around I won’t be blindsided by her depression and therefore be able to handle it better. Now that i know how it effects me I am thinking I can set up behavioral plans and use other internal supports to mitigate the effect it had on me this first time around. It another variable to work into the non scientific or mathematical equation of my life, accept now it is a known variable.

    Do you think it could work?

    Thank you,

    • Lee says:

      I’m learning you have to step back and let them figure it out. You can’t help her she needs to help herself

      • virginia says:

        she must be a strong girl.why she is hurting herself because of known things.please trust your partner and don’t pay attention too much on your relationship .you will stress yourself

  103. Loz says:

    Hi guys,

    Been with my fiancé for nearly 3 years, getting married June this year. Part of me wishes I wasn’t. Sounds awful but I’m sick of walking on egg shells with him. When we first got together, he was constantly laughing, smiling and being affectionate. Now he’s the opposite. We haven’t been intimate for over 6 months. I kept thinking he was cheating on me but in the recent months he had told me he suffers from depression.

    His job takes its toll on him and his mum does drive him round the bend. I guess I can be a nagger too but I don’t mean to be. We had a big fight, nearly cancelling the whole wedding, which has been paid for, because Im sick of being the bad guy. He said he would go on medication if I wanted him to, but I’ve seen what that stuff can do and he was on them before we got together. He said they turned him into a zombie and it destroyed his last relationship. I don’t want him to go through that again. But he won’t see a therapist as he claims it’s a waste of time and money.

    I have no idea what to do. Feel like I can’t win.

    • Katie says:


      If he is unwilling to see a therapist, then ask that he read books about depression, relationships, etc. They are inexpensive and are often written by psychologists and experts. He won’t want to, but he must. They are full of valuable information and useful help for his life. If he isn’t willing to do this, then I would begin to seriously reconsider marriage.

      Also, the upcoming wedding could be stressing him out… financially, etc. and this might be making his condition worse.

      I have been battling with the moodiness of my guy for many years… I know so well the whole walking on eggshells thing. (As I write this, I am in hour 3 of a car trip with him… We are not speaking. Ughh kill me.)

      But lately I’ve changed my approach. More of a ruthless approach. I finally said “I understand depression is not your fault, but it is also not a life sentence. Just like diabetes or some other condition, it is YOUR job to control it. I am only willing to stay in this relationship if you are putting all of your effort DAILY into getting rid of this illness. I am here to help you, but if you stop trying, then I am not staying.”

      He knows I am not kidding, I am not against leaving. You need to have the same mindset.

      Don’t let the wedding sway your decision; weddings are cancelled all the time. Yes that is the worst case scenario, but one day is not worth a miserable life. Maybe give it a chance, but remember you’re never stuck. Divorce is always an option.

      • Claire says:

        Thank you Katie for leaving that comment. I’m not engaged to my partner, but would like to be one day…but it has to be the girl I fell for and not this girl whose life is crippled by depression because of her lack of initiative to get help. She does not have insurance and I think that is the major roadblock to her getting help. Everything “overwhelms” her. I feel like I have to take on a mother’s role sometimes because she either doesn’t or can’t do basic things for herself. When I try to have these talks with her about the impact her depression has on me and us, she pulls the “you’re selfish, its not about you” card. She doesn’t see how very challenging this situation is on me bevause I don’t vent to friends or family because it’s a very personal and private matter. Simple things like cooking and cleaning the house get to be very tiring when you’re the only one putting forth effort, not to mention the resentment that creeps up after a year of living with a person crippled by their depression. Since I do have insurance I am thinking of proposing that we go to couples counseling under my insurance to get her foot in the therapy door. She’s been once or twice in the past but didn’t like the experience so didn’t go back. On good days, we can be affectionate and loving towards each other and it seems like there aren’t any major issues in our relationship but when she lapses she says very mean and offensive things to me and it’s like she pulls problems out of her butt that are news to me. I feel very at peace with myself, and when thigs are good, with my relationship. (i am medicated for anxiety/depression; therapist told me I didnt have a reason to keep going because her professional opinion was that I just have a chemical imbalance and needed a psychiatrist for medicine). I am going to try what you suggested for the other user. If you have any more advice, hit me with it, sister! Haha what doesn’t make this any easier is that my partner and I are both women on the brink of 30 so there are constant hormonal shifts if you can imagine..

        • Bswa says:

          Hi claire, i am exactly in the same situation than you, 2 women and I felt like I was holding the relationship and her depressive mind all together. She has been anxious depressive with alcohol issue since ethereal beginning, and it got worse to the point that she couldn’t spend a night without drinking and opening a bottle,would mean finishing it… by herself since I wouldn’t drink more than half a glass because of headaches. I watched her feeling worse and worse for no apparent reason than regular stress, she switched 3 times teams at work because it was never good, neither her relations with her colleagues. Like for you, she would have very loving moments when relaxed with me, in fact I’m sure i am the reason of all her happy moments these last 3 years but I got away for christmas and she couldn’t take holidays it got worse when she started with a new team and she broke up suddenly in a week asking to get all my stuff out or she would take it to good will, cancelling my plane ticket, saying she had talked that week with someone online, developed feelings and wouldnt even try to fix our 3 year relationship because she couldn’t wait to meet people she never met and talked to just few days.
          My point is, if she doesn’t get the will to go to a psychatrist, there isn’t much hope for improvement at the contrary. I wish I had convinced her to do so before but the only time I mentioned therapy she said never.
          You can to the depression fallout board if you want to discuss more.we were 2 women as well in our 30s too so believe me I undrstand. I feel like I’ve been used and that all my positiveness and positive energy have been sacked away from me, since many months before the break up.
          Good luck!

  104. Katie says:


    I am looking for some advice about my guy’s negativity. I have been dating the same guy on and off for 9 years. We’re great together but he cycles through moodiness and negative attitudes A LOT. I want us to travel, I want him to get excited about things, but everything I suggest is shot down. This negativity is really bringing me down. I feel stifled and sad. It often seems like he would be happiest if I left him alone at all times. I am familiar with what depression can do… but why does he seem so angry and negative? Is this here to stay? He has sought help before, but it almost feels like he expects pills or counseling to be a magic wand. It doesn’t seem like he understand that he has to put in the work. Is this worth staying in for the long haul?

    Any help is greatly appreciated.


    • firemans girl says:

      Katie…I have the almost exact same situation with my boyfriend! I just don’t know what to do to fix it!

    • faith says:


      I think he is angry and negative because he has no control over his situation. He probably feels guilty because he can’t give you what he thinks “you deserve.”

      I’ve been with my now fiance for 4 years now, and that’s what he tells me. I’ve always been a positive person. I love doing things with him, but it doesn’t happen often. He’s also bipolar, but his depression seems to rule the roost.

      I can’t tell you how many times he’s broken up with me. I used to freak out about it because I didn’t want to lose him. Then I realized there was a cycle to it. Every couple of months, he’d be depressed and detached for 2 weeks to a month.

      It used to hurt. Now, I’ve just become numb to it. The last time he broke up with me was because “we have a communication problem” and “constant conflict” and because I “have a chip on my shoulder all the time” according to him. I was angry this last time because I’m tired of being punished for something I’ve not done.

      I love him so much. He means the world to me. Even when he’s depressed, he’d do anything for anyone. I don’t want to give up because I think he’s worth the fight. But, I’m growing weary. After he gets through his bout of depression, he tells me to stop taking it personally. Well, that’s just impossible. That’s like me telling him to not be depressed. I’ve become an angrier person because of the depression and how helpless I feel.

      I’ve decided to just take it one day at a time. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I am learning to be more secure with myself. I do my best to not feed into it, but sometimes he pushes the wrong buttons. I’m not guiltless though; I started pushing his buttons right back. I won’t do this forever. If we don’t find a way to deal with it, we’ll have to part ways. Until then, I’ll try to support him best I can. I will always love him.

      Good luck with yours.

      • natalie says:

        Hey Faith,

        any update on your situation? I’m in a similar boat, and my girlfriend of 2 years dumped me yesterday for the 50th or 51st time – i’ve lost count at this point. she’s also torn up every sentimental thing i’ve ever given her for the second time in our relationship…so if we ever do get back together we will have nothing to show for our time together – pictures, cards, concert tickets..After a couple miserable days, there’s a few tears, a long tight hug and a kiss and we’re on the upswing for about a week. She said to me and her family back in November and its now April and nothing has changed. It doesn’t help that insurance company screwed her over and denied her coverage, so now she’s also dealing with the disappointment of knowing she can’t see a doctor unless she pays out of pocket. To me, if it was a priority she would adjust her budget accordingly, but when I ask questions or try to suggest things, she tells me it’s none of my business and I feel like a nagging mother instead of a loving girlfriend. Of course, when she says its not my business I feel my blood begin to boil. she honestly is so far gone that she either doesn’t see or doesn’t care that it has EVERYTHING to do with me and it is 1OO% my business because it affects me every hour of every day. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink…. This is the love of my life and now my future is up in the air because my partner is too fucking depressed to help herself. I’m exhausted and numb. I haven’t had an easy life, and watching someone be crippled by a heinous disease is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I feel so helpless and I’m assuming she does too, but there is nothing more I can do 🙁

  105. lolo says:

    How do you help some one who refuses to admit they need it .. I’m sad tonight after a huge row- cant really talk to anyone and my family lives on the other side of the world .. My partner clearly suffers depression – he drinks a lot more than he should to deal with it too. I’ve been putting up with dreadful angry temper tantrums for years now and he promised the last time I said I’d come home that his alcohol intake would decrease and the shouting/name calling fits of rage would stop – we now have a 7 month old and I cannot for a second entertain the idea of him witnessing or being subjected to my partner loosing his cool. Hes a good guy with a good heart but too stubborn to get help, or even admit that he could use some. I love him and i’m sure he loves me but I have to do something its really wearing me down. It seems like its always my fault things go wrong or he makes out I’m always moaning at him at night to get home to us.. when hes tired or hung over he understandably feels worse so i try get him home earlier when hes out drinking to prevent it – I’m not getting everything at home done – our baby’s not really sleeping at night and im not working – im at home with the baby so again that’s causing rows hes thinking i do nothing all day then moan at him. I just don’t know what to do – whats best for everyone especially our boy – I love them both but our sons happiness means everything to me so I guess I’m just wanting to know if anyone’s been in the same boat or if there’s any ways of getting someone to want to help themselves..

  106. riley2 says:

    So.. My husband tends to go through a depression once or twice a year .. usually it only lasts for a couple of weeks. But, last time it lasted for almost 2 months. It always happens when we visit my family ( and definitely around the holidays) I don’t get to see my family very often because they live far away… and every time he goes with me to visit them I have to say, the trip is almost miserable. Everything started when our little girl was born almost three years ago. It is so frustrating because we are very affectionate to each other on a 24 hour basis. If he’s at work we text, if he’s at home constant contact, but when he is in this “silent mode” I feel like I’m being punished! usually I can handle it, but taking care of everything around the house including 24 /7 running around after a toddler and trying to keep her from being sad because daddy doesn’t offer attention just got to me last time. He has came out of it and is since back to his normal self… And this might be bad and I normally never talk about this stuff with anyone but last time I had had enough and had a few drinks and kissed someone… the bad part is I don’t feel bad and I feel like I have to keep this to myself because it might make him crazy again!

    • Alison says:

      I so get where you are coming from. My post is the one below yours. I feel like I need someone for me. I have joined a dating site but then out of the blue, he’s back. He’s talking and he says he needs to be treated like glass. He is ill. Now I feel terrible. I haven’t put my picture on the date site I feel like a terrible wife. Well we are separated now but even that, he’s saying that were not? I can’t go on like you, not knowing whether I’m coming or going

      • m ramsey says:

        I know what you are saying..I joined a dating site..just to help me with my hurt and loneliness. .but I feel guilty..like I’m cheating on him..though we haven’t been together since November. .we never talk..and he rarely answers my texts..and if he does..no emotion in them..and in the beginning he though I’d be the one to leave him..like he wasn’t good enough for me. .this is a sad and evil disease

  107. Alison says:

    I’ve been married for over 25yrs to my husband. I am 49 and have kids ages, 20,15 and 11. My parents always said to me and my husband that I was hard work. Suppose I felt so happy to meet my oh and have kids. I loved him so much. But bit by bit things are all gone. 16yrs ago he ran up card debt enough so that we had to double our mortgage hec even took out a loan in my name fraudulently. I sorted it but there were so many debts we couldn’t pay so we added it to our mortgage. He cried, said it wouldn’t happen again but blamed me cos he said, if I ask for holidays etc he has to provide Two years later he had ran up even more debt., again it was my fault. Even now he has c card debt and apparently his debts are none of my business. I try to talk to him but apparently I’m just moaning. My 15yr old loves his dad but I’m the problem, I cause the fights and upset his dad. My son failed his prelims. No one listens to me. I ask my husband to motivate our so. And now my son has ran up debt on jus ps4. I tried to tell my husband that my son wasn’t studying but oh no, I’m just a moaning bitch. Leave my son alone. Then another bill came in for over £200. My son ran up more debt on his phone. His dad wouldn’t take his phone from him. My son wouldn’t give me his phone. I had to fight a 15yrnold to get a phone from him via my husband wouldn’t take it from him. My husband doesn’t do any talking or confrontation. I’m at my wits end. I don’t want my11yr old to be like my other son. My 15yr old acts like my husband, sitting around, going nothing. No sport and hecwont read anything. I’m banging my head off a brick wall. Thank god I read this page today cos I’m depressed now too. He is dragging us all down but I’ve no one to help. My husband isn’t the man I married. I took off my wedding ring two weeks ago this upsets my 11yrbold. Help.

    • Jeremy says:

      Hi Alison

      lets start with the first question, who is running up the debt & who is trying to control it? Is there blame shifting onto you – & you’re the moaning bitch because you can see the problems that living beyond your means can bring? ie someone is blaming the dying canary in the coal mine. The problem with depressed people is that they are so compulsive / driven. They love spending money to make themselves feel good- it’s a quick fix with long consequences. I’m in that position at the moment. My wife has blown twice my annual wage in the last year from inheritances. Now we’re a month behind in mortgage payments. Depressed people can take you right to the very edge financially, emotionally & probably in every other way. This really imprisons me – why I’m reading this article – looking for answers. If you want to stay in the relationship, you have to become apathetic & very religeous (hope isn’t going to come from anywhere else). The question is whether you can go thru the consequences of leaving – notably suicide or the consequences of their out of kilter behaviour becoming even more reckless. However, think of the long term effects on your children if they imitate your dysfunctional relationship (which is what it sounds like it has become – & don’t think that I’m not the kettle calling the cauldron black. I learnt to look after a depressive after looking after my mother after my parents marriage broke down. This was naive, depressives say give some support & I’ll be fine. One more drink & I’ll stop in the morning). My suggestion is to split everything at least for a short time to prove to him where the problems are. This is easy to say, but you need to run separate finances – I didn’t to my detriment. The split may show up to him where the problems are & should start as a temporary thing – eg looking after Aunt Mary in her terminal years – until she goes into a home. Naive kindness truly is a trip to hell. Depressives need professional help. I believe they should be institutionalised to force a regimen into them.

      • Alison says:

        I have sent a reply. I hope it gets added on. I replied to your comment on yahoo mail Thanks Jeremy. If it doesn’t get added I’ll leave another later on after work today x

        • jeremy says:

          Hi Alison

          I haven’t received your email response & would really like to see it. Think my original email was rather brutal – written at a time when my wife is forcing me into bankruptcy.



          • Alison says:

            Hi Jeremy my oh has been back this last week but I’ve had enough. After he said he’d rather separate in February, I agreed. He now sleeps in my sins bunk bed. He isn’t happy about this and quite often tries to move back. I booked London for April but he wanted to come, I didn’t want him to come. My 15yrnold said he wouldn’t come unless my oh did. So I agreed but sleeping arrangements will have to be altered. Perhaps my youngest sleeping between us. Not ideal tho for a good nights sleep. Same in the summer. It’s my daughters 21st and I wanted to book for 3 but he really wants to come. I am trying. I have joined a dating site , which isn’t great and I dread anyone finding out. I mean he’s still doing stupid things like, spending 600£ on a c card for his company but when they pay him he put it into our account. How does that help his debt? It’s just so depressing. I know he has about £30,000 again. I’ve asked him to get help but he just says he will bi suspect he doesn’t. More debt. I really feel for you in your situation. Is that what I’ve got to look forward to? What state are you both in now?

          • jeremy says:

            Hi Alison

            sounds like it would be so much easier without kids – issues get compounded. You want to bring the kids as well as you can despite the adversities. This gets all the harder when you’re struggling to hold yourself together. My marriage has been distant for 20 years & utterly platonic.. The problem is that that division also makes solving problems harder. Your situation sounds multilayered & intertwined – because the fundamental problem leads to your OH wasting money, then there is the issue of the kids – their security & wanting to bring them up as well as you can, your OH chasing you & your ability to withstand the stress.Things were most stressful for me when the kids were at school & during early University. I used to literally count down the years. However, I mainly survived by dissociating & living just in the moment. Dissociating is when you treat yourself as a puppeteer & your body as a puppet doing all the grungy work. Living in the moment is just that because I didn’t have the strength to think in a wider time span than that. Oddly enough, both are recommended these days – see the psychology books on mindfulness or Eckhard Tolle’s book “The power Of Now”. The other thing is focusing just on the most basic / most important issues – which for me was bringing up my kids. I’ll tell you what I’d do with your OH – I described it in another post. I’d go to the doctor & explain the situation, then ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. GO to the psychiatrist a few times, then tell the OH that the psychiatrist wants to hear his side of the story. This would be the trap to get him onto medication & into treatment. You may qualify to see a psychiatrist for your own stress & depression. The problem with this plan could be doctors wanting to fob you off & sending you to psychologists. I have found the quality of referred psychologists to be poor – which I have not appreciated when I’m exposing my raw emotions & want solutions. Actually, the person I have found most helpful is a young, unqualified woman whose family are alcoholics – we relate to each others’ raw emotions – why I like this web site too. In your case, you really want to set your OH up with a psychiatrist for the medication. The reasoning will come a bit later (hopefully).
            Something else, I tried to do better for my kids than my parents did for me. I’d imagine we all do this, but is this reasonable? – circumstances change.At least you’re on the right side of the parenting cycle, even if you’re too up to your eyeballs to realise that.

            Hope this helps

  108. Tj says:

    Hey guys. These posts on here are truly heart felt and I completely understand because I have been diagnosed depression since I can remember. The trick of it is trying to mentally stay on a straight track and talk to others that is truly the only way you can fight it as I have done in the past. When I’m feeling really bad i go see and doctor and get medication. It has been what has worked for me for years. But unfortunately my boyfriend of 9 years has been depressed for about 3 years. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I am completely lost and his depression is now playing off on mine and making me completely unhappy and I don’t know what to do. He always says he is going to get help but never does. This relationship has become completely toxic and were almost always in separate corners because I can’t handle being depressed on my own. He isolates himself from other people and i have done the same because of him.I have thought about leaving so many times but to leave someone in his state knowing how it feels I can’t seem to do it. He cries and doesn’t want me to leave him and I feel so guilty when I sneek away to hang out with other people. He gets angry at me because I hang out with other men , and he is completely insecure. I do not have girlfriends because I work in a men’s field for profession. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need some words of wisdom or some advice because everyone just tells me to leave him but I feel I can’t do it. But I can’t handle this much longer if he won’t get help.

    • Jeremy says:

      Hi TJ

      my wife has been diagnosed with depression/Bipolar/OCD – at different times, but generally depression. About 10 years ago, I couldn’t find a job in Brisbane, Australia & decided to try my luck in Melbourne, 2000 km away. I landed up staying for 18 months & was amazed how well she coped. My wife veritably thrived. We developed a remarkably good communication system- I found that I could write letters that really expressed my emotions. I often think back to that period. I think I’m supporting her, but am I? Am I holding her life together or just creating misery for both of us by staying with her? Are my heroic beliefs about myself completely misguided because they are undermined by toxicity resulting from over-exposure to each other & I’m too gutless to make the break? Are you / me aggravating our partner’s insecurities? The only way to find out would be by trial & error perhaps in a gradual manner -perhaps as a series of challenges – you do this if I do that.
      I’m not sure that this helps beyond saying that I can identify with the dilemma. Can anyone provide more insight?

  109. Louise says:

    Hi there I think I may be suffering depression, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m constantly down, constantly in a mood with my partner always starting fights then I bottle up and can’t talk it’s like a wall in my head, I have no energy feels like I’m being held down under my duvet at the thought of having to go out and do the schools run, I rarely leave the house and when I do anxiety kicks in, I cry most days the slightest thing sends me off, I feel as if friends family only put up with me because I’m here not because they like me, I have a five year old and a three year old and recently they are the only things keeping me going, I’ve been having thoughts about jumping off a bridge because I can’t do anything right or anything I do blows up in my face, my partner has put up with accusations every day that he’s cheating on me, because it’s in my head, and I can’t stop over thinking everything he does, the fact I can’t just be myself again or snap out of it is making me worse as I don’t understand what’s going on in my head, I am in love with my partner and want to be with him forever but I keep pushing him away telling him I don’t love him or I’m only with him because of kids or he should just go none of this is true I don’t know what I would do if he left me, but even the thought of that isn’t enough to snap myself out of this negativity, I used to love being outdoors and doing things but the thought of a day out terrifies me now. I have started to see a counsellor but I struggle to talk so writing is the best option to get all this out I’m 25 and don’t want to break up my family over something I’m really struggling to control, everyone’s suffering because I can’t get it together or even as much as explain how I feel without shutting down.

    • m ramsey says:

      I am so sorry you are going thru this evil disease..depression/anxiety. .it is good for me to hear the other side of this disease..my boyfriend suffers from depression. .we have only been together for 6 months..the last 3 of which we havent talked..we live 2 hours apart. .which isnt a long distance for either of us. .we are both construction workers and travel alot..but your words helped me realize what he is feeling and going thru…he told me he doesnt love me anymore..2 wks after we spend the weekend together having a great time..and him telling me he loves me more than I could know. .most times no answers from my texts to him…if so one or two words..but again hearing how you feel helps me understand what he is feeling..I text him and just let him know I love and miss him..and I will.be here for him..im not going anywhere..I dont ever say how bad it has made me feel..because I know he cant deal with my feeling right now..thank you again

    • Natalie says:

      Hi Louise. it sounds like you are depressed. The most important thing you can do is decide that you want to get better and that you will take the steps needed to get better. In this rough patch in your life you need support. Tell your family and friends that you are comfortable telling, even if you write it down and let them read it or read it to them. It’s a very uncomfortable topic to discuss with the people closest to you but once they know you are dealing with this disease it will help them to see that you need them. Therapy is not fun, it will get very emotional and there will be times you don’t want to go see your counselor. Do it anyway. Speaking from experience – depression doesn’t go away on its own. People may say “what do you have to be depressed about? you have so much to be thankful for” – here is what alot of people don’t understand about depression – sometimes there is absolutely no reason to feel so sad. that’s why it is so frustrating and difficult to explain, because sometimes there just isn’t a reason other than a chemical imbalance in your brain. Don’t give up okay? If the counselor isn’t doing the trick, go to another one or ask them to refer a psychiatrist who can prescribe medicine to make you feel like yourself again. I’m proud of you for getting this far. You’re doing the right thing!

  110. Helen says:

    Married 30 years, the “black dog” has always been in our relationship but in the past 5 years has become worse and worse and now has totally consumed our lives. He sleeps all day doesn’t go to work blames it all on me being controlling when in fact I have just had to take responsibility. We have had six months of him swearing insults at me and now he says I have my “foot on his throat” I have tried to involve the family but just got shouted and sworn at for daring to “embarrass” him. Stupid as it sounds we have 2 cats and I would leave if I could find a suitable home. I have given up as it is affecting my life too much, no friends no family visiting, unable to go out because he drinks too much and becomes contentious. But it’s all my fault apparently and the advice that it’s the depression not the person is easy to say but not too easy to take, if you are just a year or two into such a relationship get out now.

    • Lindsey says:

      I like the way you call it the “black dog”. My husband and I have been together for 9 years now and this “thing” has been with us right from the beginning. He is on meds which has made living with him easier, but, he still has these moments, horrible evil moments where he hails insults at me and my kids (his step kids). He is hiding his condition from everyone including his own kids. I keep telling myself, I need to find a way to live with this! I do not know if I can as I feel like my life is a roller coaster. He shouts at the top of his voice and stands outside our apartment so the neighbours can hear all the insults. I am so ashamed of showing my face out there!
      He blames me for everything. On Friday, he was so mad at me as he forgot his car keys in his jacket pocket. He says “see, this is all because of you! I never ever forgot anything before I met you!” He is also OCD, I am tired.
      My question is, why are depressed people so so selfish and horrible? Is that what this illness does? How do you live with someone like this and not lose yourself in the process? How do I keep the peace when he is shouting insults at me and blaming me for everything, (including him being obese and not wanting to excercise)? I am happy to have found this site as I felt I am not the only one going through this.

      • jeremy says:


        my suggestion is to say oh I’ve got a problem. get a referral to a psychiatrist, then tell him that the psychiatrist wants to speak to him about your problems & how to manage them. If the psychiatrist is worth anything, he/she will say “Oh you poor bugger, with your wife’s problems you must be under so much stress, here’s a prescription…..” This gets around the problem of your husband having to confront the fact that his wiring is faulty & any feelings of not being a total man.

  111. Bee says:

    What if your depression is caused from watching your husband have an affair? What if you tried and tried to talk him about it but ended up fighting? What if the behaviour of that fighting was unsusal for you that your husband insists that you (along with his affair partner) need help because you have bipolar, schizophrenia, personality disorder? What if you are just so sad from watching the affair take place, unable to be heard and being blamed….you become numb? So numb, there is no longer any form of feeling. You know there is something wrong with you, your family know there is something wrong. You are barely able to function but still manage to get kids to school, pick them up, get them to sport, wash and clean their clothes and get dinner on the table but it is all done without any feeling. All the while knowing you are alive but feeling dead. Now I know what it is like to have depression. Yes, there were problems in our marriage that should have been dealt with sooner. No more major than what a lot of couples go through but a wall was put up, rather than dealing with any pain and problems. Not just by me dare I say it. It took a major event in my life (the unexplained loss of my beloved Jack Russell) for the feeling to return and the emotion to awaken within me again in a way I never expected. The loss of my dog came at a dreadful time in my life but now as much as it still hurts, I know it happened for a reason. For almost 10 months I cried on and off, more on than off. My husband and I sought counselling and I sought the help of alternate therapies along with counselling to help me in my journey of sorting out my confusion. I am always trying to improve myself further trying different therapies and creating new interests. Have we survived? We are still here trying to work things out. I give now emotionally and physically in a way I never thought possible again. That is my commitment to our marriage. It’s not always easy because we still have marriage issues that come up between us that we never dealt with early on in our marriage that can cause discourse between us. It is hard for me at times when I feel I can’t make sense of things and I start to feel a bit depressed again but I know it must be much harder for my husband to not only watch the pain he has caused me by having the affair but also the pain of watching me pulling myself out of deep despair, I chose unintentionally to put myself in. Through it all, he has been there by my side as I want to be there by his. I guess only time will tell but I know now if we don’t make it….I will survive. My family have a saying they will say to me from time to time ……’it’s not about you’! As much as I detest hearing those words of tough love and just long for some sympathy, a cuddle, a kiss, they are the words that shake me up and spur me on. I do miss and mourn our old relationship terribly at times but we are both committed to finding the new path that leads to our next one. I am 50 and still have so much I want to see and do! I am here and alive. My husband and family are here beside me. I am so lucky and so grateful.

  112. S says:

    My partner has been depressed for the majority of our relationship, and now at this point I find myself in the same position, and exhausted emotionally. She is angry with me most of the time for not being supportive or comforting her, but at this point I don’t even know how to do that. I just want this to stop- every day it’s the same misery, and I’m terrified this is how I’ll spend the rest of my life. We just had a child together a month ago, and I don’t want to lose him, or her- I just can’t keep doing this constant fighting, criticism and misery. I don’t know what to do. How can I be there for her when I’ve gotten to a point where I can barely keep my own head up?

    • elizabeth says:


      I am in the same place , she may need time for her own discovery , is she getting help?

    • JC says:

      I have the same story as yours but its better to talk to her every minute if you have a time.
      Just like telling some unforgettable stories that you have. i know its hard its like tearing your heart into pieces but you need to be strong for the sake of your child. You need to ask for a professional help and she needs medication for her depression.

      i’m always praying for this kind of illness to be curable someday or today.

  113. m ramsey says:

    I have a question? ..I know there is not an exact answer..my bf is going thru a bout of depression since about a week before Thanksgiving. .this is the 1st time for me to experience since we have only been together since August. .he had mention in passing to me this happens about this time each year..my question..how long do these depressions periods last..again I know there is no exact answer..and cant talk to him..we are at the point where he isnt answering phone..and very few texts..usually a couple words ..he has said he needs to fight this himself..and we are 2 different ppl..I should forget him..which is very much like so many posts..but after the depression subsides..do they want you back and things are normal..or are they really gone for good.. I love him and want to be supportive..and try to keep my texts to him only positive.and supportive..letting him know im not going anywhere and I love him..thank you for any insight

    • Mary says:

      Run away now before he sucks the life out of you. I have been married for 37 years to a depressed man who has been on meds now for 17 years. Our 3 sons are grown and I cannot stand another day of this gloom. This is a never ending battle and I am ready to surrender. I fantasize about a life on my own without his constant negativity. I am ready to go. Get out now for your own sanity.

      • mary says:

        totally agree get out run fast and never look back before you have children and are trap in the most miserable marrige… i have three children with a depressed man carry all burdens both financially and otherwise… he has manipulated his whole family against me saying i am difficult and i am the problem… please run far and run fast!

      • Val says:

        Wish I had the courage Mary.My husband’s been depressed for over 10 years. I so wish I’d left 5 years ago for both our sakes.We are older now and I haven’t the finances or courage.To leave.

    • Lindsey says:

      Please do this for YOU… Leave this man! It’s only gonna get worse. I am married to a man who has been depressed almost all his life. His ex wife left him and said, I was tired of mothering him and getting no where. I am now in a worse position than her and envy that she actually left him. Please, it’s not worth it at the end of the day. I love my husband too but the emotional and verbal abuse is too much. He is on meds and yes he is better than what he was 5 years ago but he is still abusive when he is down. I feel like I am living with two man, one who is gentle, loving, makes love to me and holds me gentle then the demon who rejects me, blames me for everything and even tells me he hates me. You do not want this and you do not deserve it. My advice to you girl is LEAVE HIM NOW!!!

  114. Manny says:

    Hi there. I am so in love with my partner and it has taken time and pain to be together. We where both married, not happily but eventually we made it into a full relationship. My children adore him also. He moved into my family unit 4 months ago. He wanted to marry me and we where about to get out first home together then it hit, depression took control and he left. I can’t function, I love him so much. I went to see him the other evening and he couldn’t look at me, hold my hand or show me any emotion. I said I wanted to move forward and for us both to get therapy and learn about this bastard illness. He just looked at the wall and said he wanted to end our relationship. I miss everything about him, I’m wearing his pjs so I can smell him. I’m in mourning and feel like my life has ended. If I didn’t have my children I honestly couldn’t see the point of life anymore. I will simply never get over this.

    I never knew he suffered from depression for the first 12 months, he said he thought he was better. In all honesty, if I had known, I would not have emotionally gotten involved.

    All my family knew we where buying a house and had never seen me so happy then BOOM, I’m spending Christmas on my own, drinking and screaming the house down. I’m a very insecure person and this has tipped the scales for me. I’m text in him my support, love and it’s like he’s dead, the odd text back. By nature I want to run into the arms of another, just to be held, feel that intamicy but I know it’s not the answer. My children are devastated as they loved the man dearly. I honestly don’t think I can get over this, I so want my sadness to ease. Everything in my home is a constant reminder of the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Will I ever be normal again?

    • majan says:

      Hi..my husband is depressed n i really dnt knw what to do about it..i feel lost ..the thing is currently he works in a different country. . Which makes my situation more complicated! !
      When hes there things r good n he claims that depression is over n hes fine n so we become fine.. now he came twice for visits within a month and they were like hell!!! I really love him n we have two children …i want us to be the same but i feel there is a barrier between us.. now he became high tempered .. he gets angry n extremely angry if we had a small fight (like any other couples) he just wants to break things . Throw stuff n so on … n then he start hating himself for it .. n afcors i get many hurtful words like: u bring the worst in me, i cant stand you, u dont deserve so n so… his words r killing me n he dsnt want to seek help n he hates me n told me to stay away from his depression issue as he will solve it himself..im really lost angry n have no energy to do anything
      he just doesnt want to talk about it with me n no one else knows about it.. i feel my life is tearing apart ..when ever i tell him tht plz seek help its affecting us he says n what about myself !!!!!
      I really dont know what to do

    • Kristin says:

      Hi Manny, how are things now? I’m now in the same boat.

  115. Melharris says:

    My husband and I have been together for a total of 14 years, 11 married, and we have two daughters ages 9 and 2. About a year and a half ago, he started acting “pouty” and depressed. After many episodes of on-again, off-again behavior, I am at my wits end. He says it is because I don’t give him enough affection, when I am not acting any different than I always have acted. He practically ignored our children as they opened their x-mas gifts on x-mas morning, which was extremely sad for me to witness. He is not engaged in their lives, or mine for that matter. I am tired of being made to feel guilty for lack of affection when I think he is the one with the problem. He also can’t seem to get through a family get-together without getting plastered drunk. This is another issue altogether, but a Band-Aid for his bigger problems. I have told him several times that I think he needs to seek professional help, and so far he has done nothing to help himself. I’m tired. Please help.

    • Claire says:

      I can relate to this. My husband was exactly the same for over a year before he finally went to the doctor because he wasn’t sleeping. The doctor was great and my husband told her he was stressed at work. He now sees the same doctor regularly and she offered him anti depressants. At first he refused saying he didn’t want to take tablets. After saying to my husband that I was struggling with his mood swings he agreed to taking the tablets. He is now going to a one on one meeting with a psychologist and also group sessions which the doctor arranged. My husband also began drinking heavily and I have since asked him to stop drinking all together because his binge drinking is causing me problems especially dealing with our children. Dealing with his depression is a long drawn out processes and he still has a long way to go. He has now been off work for 3 months a and I feel desperate for him to get out the house and back to work. If your husband could speak to a doctor it could be a start. I think it’s important for you to speak up and tell him how you feel in the hope he can do something to help himself.

  116. LostAndConfused says:

    Just stumbled upon this website ,laying in bed alone, sad.. looking for some help or answers. Anything. Something. Like everyone else, glad I found it. Been reading through all the stories for about an hour and I am completely sobbing cause I can hear and feel everyone’s pain and hurt. If I explain my situation it would be bits and pieces of every post I’ve read tonight. I don’t really know if that makes me feel better or worse. I actually felt like I’m being selfish for looking for support, I mean after all, I’m not the one who is “suffering”… But I am. We are. I’m sure I’ll be back, when I feel a bit more comfortable doing this. It’s comforting to know I have somewhere to go now. Thanks for sharing your stories and suggestions… Anything helps.

    • Melharris says:

      Hang in there, I also just stumbled upon this site. I am hoping to get some support and suggestions! What is your story?

    • Skye says:

      This is the same for me. I knew my bf has depression, but I thought I did something to push him away. Now reading everyone’s stories, it helps me understand my situation a little better. Reading everyone’s story and knowing mine just makes my heart ache. The feeling of missing who they were before they were depressed and the longing to be let in during the depression along with feeling like you are doing something wrong is such a struggle. Now on top of it, I am dealing with depression. It hurts to much to have it done to you but it also hurts watching them in pain. I wish depression could be cured like antibiotics cure a temporary sickness such as a UTI. :/

    • TruthSeeker says:

      I am in total agreement. No one around me understands what this is like. Its my husband who suffers and now its me falling down the rabbit hole. Just hearing your story is helpful knowing I am not alone… I want to just run… But I am in love with the good days although very few good days now. Anyway thank you

  117. Jessica says:


    I have felt my mind spiraling to further chaos this past year, finding this website has given me a lot of ease knowing I’m not alone in my feelings. I will have been with my boyfriend for 5 years in April 2016 (so current 4 years and 8 months) We were best friends for a year before getting together, during this time a close childhood friend of his committed suicide which was a very difficult time for him. I knew a lot about him, however one thing he didn’t make me aware of was his severe depression as he always seemed to have a positive outlook on life. At this time, I didn’t have a strong understanding of what it was like to have depression, only what I had learned in school. I think if we hadn’t been such close friends before getting together I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the struggle that came into our relationship.

    After a year into our relationship he began to get frustrated with the smallest things, throwing his phone at the wall if it froze for a moment. Destroying a room if something broke always saying he paid for it to work the fact it breaks (when easily fixable) is stupid. But to me it was always something never worth the fits of rage that he burst out with. His anger had no limits but he only got angry at the silliest things, never at people, only at objects, but even knowing that his anger was never aimed at me i couldnt help but feel afraid sometimes. He didn’t care if replacing the things he broke was very expensive which affected him further since he wouldn’t be able to afford to go out anymore. This brought on social anxiety, he refused to go to the shop because there would be too many people. He wouldnt want to do anything but would always moan about being bored despite not wanting to do a thing. No matter what I suggest as an activity he doesn’t want to do it, and he can’t think of anything he wants to do. I began to see my own friends less to keep him company at home, now i barely leave the house at all as I put him first to prevent him from getting upset.
    Often he calls himself pathetic and stupid saying he may as well not exist. Its becoming more frequent now as he has told me numerous times this that he wants to kill himself. His family dont help they just make him worse, the underlying cause of his depression due to their history. I wont go into details. It’s like this every day, we both go to work and when I get home I feel trapped in a cycle as he will greet me stressed at his day. Tired, fed up, wanting to do an activity but also nothing at all. I havent had a single evening in the past couple of months where I have been able to relax after work. It always ends with me trying to calm him down as his spirals to dangerous thoughts saying such as: ‘whats the point, i hate my life, may aswell die and get it over with’. It breaks my heart to hear the person I love say these things, but I feel so helpless. We are barely intimate anymore, i find myself wondering if he still loves me, if I still love him. no matter what I try I dont seem to help, he refuses to seek medical help claiming he wouldnt learn anything new. no matter what I say he just bats me off saying I would never be able to understand. But I feel my days growing harder. I’m now starting to think whats the point in living is this is what I have to come home too. More than once a week I cry alone before going to bed, though I dont let him know this as he would only feel guilty.

    i feel lost, confused what to do now. I love him but im growing tired, my heart aches and I miss being happy.

    • Bossy says:

      Thank you so much for writing this, at his been a few months since you wrote this so I was wondering how your relationship is going now.

      I have exactly the same problem with my depressed bf, basically everything you said is the same in my situation. Even the things your quote he said, are the same with my man.
      I am not at the point yet that I can’t handle it any more, I feel strong enough to keep this up for quite some time, but rather than waiting for the moment that I cannot cope with his depression any more, I need a solution for him that makes our relationship better for the future…

      I’ve made the mistake to have him push my boundaries, as a result him having disrespected me many times – because I thought… let him vent, and it will be over soon. – which never happened. It’s not over, he is depressed and the bad moments are now taking over the good ones.
      He doesn’t see a point in living, he doesn’t see a future, yet at his good moments he says I am the only thing that keeps him from getting down more, he wants children, he wants to get married, he wants to settle down.

      I am a very positive person and never really see a problem anywhere, problems are there to be solved. And if you can solve it, it never has been a big problem in the first place.
      He sees problems in everything, he is extremely negative, unreasonable and has the worst illogical reasoning I have ever encountered in my life – yet he accuses me to have all of these traits.
      Especially negativity and being unsatisfied. Which is completely untrue.

      He thinks the whole world is against him, nobody respects him and he thinks he is stupid because he thinks he trusts the wrong people. He doesn’t do anything, he dislikes everything before he even tried it, and never wants to do anything – yet says he is bored.
      Exactly like you mentioned.

      I really need help – for the most of course for my boyfriend – yet he refuses to seek help. He says the problem is everyone is, not him. He is just misunderstood and taken advantage of…

      What can I do??a

  118. m ramsey says:

    I wrote a couple days ago..but have update..it seems to just get worse..I thought I was fortunate because even though he quit texting me that he loved me or missed me or actually any feelings..and his texts went from a few a day to maybe one every few days..he hadnt mentioned he didnt want to stay bf/gf status..I haven’t seen him since before Thanksgiving. .he doesnt want company and I live 90 miles away..so have tried to give him his space..but 2 days ago he up and tells me he is moving..for good..he has no family so isnt going to where there is other family..he said I cant go where he is going I ask where he was going..he said he isnt telling anybody where he is going..I told him I would wait for him..he says I wont be coming back..his job makes it easy to move..construction..all he said he was moving east?…this was his first text to me about it….his text copied…. (Sweetie my future is going back to myself. My past is rearing it’s head again and I am trying to deal with it. Waiting for me will only leave you disappointed)….this broke my heart..I have decided to show up at his house this weekend..unannounced. .I am so hurt..idk what to do..im lost and hurting so bad..it is hard for me to function at times..and me being single and no children..and I lost my parents to cancer a couple yrs ago..im alone..and with it being Christmas time it doesnt help..thank you for listening. .and id appreciate and helpful insite

    • Rose says:

      My recommendation to you would be to get yourself involved in a local church and seek God. He will get you through all this – HE was the only one that helped me, I have experienced ALL of it. Don’t do this to yourself!
      Your bf is doing you a favor for leaving you, you will find peace again, trust me. You need to allow yourself time to heal your heart. Blessings to you on your NEW future! ♡♡

    • Kristin says:

      Any update? I feel so alone myself

  119. joesphine15 says:

    Hi everyone, I am so thankful to have found this site and read through everyone’s comments – I don’t feel quite so alone and isolated anymore. I’m sorry, this will be a long post, but I need to “speak” to people who understand and at least get this out of my head so I don’t feel like I’m so crazy….
    I’ve been with my fiance for just over a year. He is ex-military and he didn’t tell me he suffered with depression when we first met, but we talked so much I figured it out. He says he’s never told anyone any of the stuff he’s told me, I’m the only person who knows what happened to him in the army (see below) and he tells me I’m the only person he trusts 100%… We are so in love – we’ve both been married before and have children from those relationships – but we are best friends, soulmates, so tactile with each other normally – all of which makes this soooo much harder to bear.

    He suffers with PTSD (he watched his best friend die in his arms, which he blames himself for) and depression (from the PTSD and also an ex-wife who pushed him to attempt suicide 4 years ago). Christmas is particularly bad for him as he thinks of the friend he lost, and what their family go through, and also as he’s never had his kids over xmas – this year is the first we will have them over night (and the first xmas in 4 years he’s even put up decorations) which I’d hoped would give him something to focus on.

    I’ve experienced his withdrawal previously as it happened about 6 mths ago around the anniversary of his friends passing, and he left our home for a few days, telling me we should split up etc. He was very angry and pushed me away, said hurtful things etc. It was extremely difficult and emotional, but we came through it and we were so in love, planning our future together. Over the last 2 weeks I could sense his gradual withdrawal but when I asked him he said he was fine, or would snap at me. He had a letter last night about child maintenance payments for his kids (its way more than we can afford) and it sent him over the edge – he became catatonic. I found him in the bath staring. He wouldn’t speak except to say “I just don’t care about anything”. I pulled him to me and hugged him for the longest time, and he just cried. I asked him if he thought he should see his doctor, or speak to anyone and he just shrugged. When he got out the bath he sat on the bed motionless while I dressed him, then while I was bathing my children he played on the computer for 2 hrs in the dark. He only moved when I told him I’d made him some dinner (after telling him twice). He surprisingly ate all the food but then sat there staring at the side.

    I asked him then to move to the lounge and watch TV with me and he agreed (nodded his head). He sat with me holding him for a long while, then eventually lay down and fell asleep. He woke later and went to bed – we always go together and I asked if he wanted me to come with him but he said he didn’t care (was the first time he’d spoken to me all evening). I stayed downstairs for an hour with the dog, and when I finally went to bed I just held him all night. This morning, again, he didn’t speak to me, but spoke to the dog and hugs/kisses her – I am sooo jealous of the dog right now 🙁 – but I get nothing. He tried to leave for work while I was upstairs but I ran down and hugged him – no words, just a hug. I then bought him lots of food for lunch and gave it to him at work, where again, he barely spoke to me. He did text me an hour later thanking me for the food.

    I guess I just don’t know what to do. I told him I love him, that I wont go anywhere, that we will get through this together and that I will listen if he wants to talk to me about anything. I said that I know he’s struggling with the blackness, but that I can’t pull him out of it, that he needs to climb out of it as well. I keep hugging him and I get nothing back – not even eye contact. Its killing me inside and this morning while he was downstairs I just cried. I feel so helpless and sad that what we had only 2 weeks ago is just gone…..I know he’s always suffered so I am hopeful that he will come out the other side (as he has before), but meanwhile I have to keep things “normal” for my children (who live with us) and his when they come and visit. I just don’t know where I will find the strength from to pretend to be happy and put on my “Christmas” face…… 

    • Anon33 says:

      Hi joesphine15,

      Reading your story reminded me of the first time I experienced my boyfriend going through a severe episode/mental break. We’ve been together over 3 years now, and there are constant ups and downs.

      During our first year together, there were several things that happened that triggered a severe mental break. He was extremely suicidal and temperamental. After that phase ended (about a day), he became blank. He just layed in bed, didn’t go to work for a week (didn’t even tell his co-workers), barely even talked to me. The third day into it, I decided to cook some of his favorite food in the kitchen. I didn’t even tell him anything, but eventually he came out from the bedroom. He still didn’t talk to me, just sat and watched TV and ate his food. I considered that a “win.” It took a couple of weeks for him to come back to “normal,” but eventually he was able to talk about what he was feeling and we got through it.

      I’m sure you know this by now, but it is a constant up and down. My boyfriend just snapped at me and told me he wants to be single and went upstairs, and I’m downstairs drinking and crying and confused (even though this has happened so many times before). It’s emotionally draining and confusing, but I just have to remind myself that with every “down,” there’s an “up.” And I just have to be patient, give him his space and let him know that I’m here for him when he’s ready.

      I always come to this site after he yells/starts a fight because it reminds me that other people are going through this, too. I hope that we both get to a better place before Christmas. Stay strong, and he’ll come around.

    • Anon E. Muss says:

      From someone suffering from PTSD and depression… Have you researched dissociation? It sounds very much like your husband is going blank/zoning out/on autopilot, which is a common PTSD symptom of being overwhelmed or triggered. If so, he may not even realize that he’s not responding to you or recognize it as a problem. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a dog than to a person. It sounds like your husband loves you and is trying to protect himself from pain right now. I’m sorry that you are being hurt by his response.

    • josephine15 says:

      UPDATE: So he had a few days after what I described above where he seemed to be improving. Work was keeping him going I think. He admitted to me he’d felt suicidal, considered taking an overdose and that he was poorly. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and if he needed to me do anything I would. He said that I needed to bear with him cos xmas is a bad time for him, so I did. And it was awful (and still is).

      He was in a foul mood xmas eve, but we spent the afternoon/evening together and he appeared to be “present”. He fell asleep early in the evening, I guess his own mind had worn him out, but otherwise he was ok-ish when we went to bed. We’d agreed not to buy presents but I’d had a small work bonus and bought him some small gifts, which I told him about prior, but when I asked him to open them on xmas day he hit the roof! He stormed off, then disappeared to go fetch his kids – I text him apologising saying I just wanted to try make xmas good, and he replied saying “I cant handle it, so don’t”, he then told me I had to return all the presents. The rest of the day was as you can imagine, awful. He told me at one point he couldn’t do this any more, and said he didn’t know if we should stay together – I told him it wasn’t the day, nor was he in the right state of mind for the conversation. He cried when his daughter gave him a homemade gift, he was silent until the kids went to bed then he spent the remainder of the evening working in the garage on his bike.

      Boxing day was equally rubbish. He ended up going to bed so I arranged to go visit some family with my children. He thought I was at my sisters (I was at my aunts) so later in the day he drove over to her house. He text me to ask my whereabouts, I replied, and then he responded saying he wouldn’t come back that night. He told me it was over, and eventually he asked me if I would help him with anything he asked, which lead to him asking me to help him die. Obviously I said no, told him I’d help him to live. He got quite nasty then and tried to cut me off, so I told him I’d call his sister (who also suffers with depression). He went mad at me for that, but I was so upset and scared…she tried to speak with him, but he just got nasty with her and ended up cutting her off, and refusing to respond to texts.

      Anyway, long story short, he spent the evening drinking with 3 girls (old school friends apparently) and he texted me a few times saying he was still alive. Then at 11pm the texts started. He spoke of the devil inside, how it wouldn’t let him talk about “stuff” and would always taunt him. This went on for 2 hrs – talk about how he didn’t want to exist anymore, that his kids would be better without him – he finally signed off by asking me to give the dog a kiss.

      He came home next morning, showered then went to bed for hrs. His nightmares about his friends death are back and he had a bad one. Then I woke him and convinced him to walk the dog – he hugged me when we got back, then he cooked tea and then worked in the garage for hours until bedtime again. Yesterday was much the same, slept late, nightmares, garage, then has came with me to a family gathering. When we got home, nothing – silence. I couldn’t take it any longer so I started asking him what happened on the night he was out, why he thought that was right to go out, told him how badly he was hurting me and that I knew he didn’t care. He said he wished he’d jumped off that bridge on sunday night but wouldn’t tell me more. He told me he wont go to the doctors, won’t speak to me or anyone cos what can it do!!! He said he’s been here before and knows it all useless. This morning he’s got up and gone to work, which I suppose is a good thing…meanwhile I sit here in misery and fear. I guess I need to quietly let him know I’m here, give him his space and hope that he comes back to me…but meanwhile the helplessness is terrifying 🙁

  120. DREH says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together, near enough, two years. We knew of each other before hand, went out on a date and fell in love with one another instantly. He is my best friend and lives with me and my family.
    Earlier this year, he found out that his parents were separating after 20+ years of being together. My boyfriend is 20 years old, his parents being together is all he has ever known.
    Initially, when he found the news out, he ran to me for support and said that he never wanted to be without me; since, he has distanced himself.
    We have been on a roller coaster of emotions, he is constantly unsure on how he is feeling. One minute he wants the relationship and the next he decides he wants to be single, however, he sits outside my house as comfort.
    He tells me that he is empty and not emotionally attached to anything or anyone, he just follows a routine. If he told me that he didn’t feel anything towards me any more, I would walk away but the way he words how he is feeling gives me hope.
    He has also told me that he doesn’t want anybody else but all he is doing is pushing me away – fully understand that the way people feel changes but when somebody is so up and down, you can’t help thinking there is an underlining issue. Under the circumstances, I feel that he is affected by his parents more than he realises but he assures me that he is fine and is coping perfectly.
    His behaviour has changed, he hated going out clubbing, always told me it was for ‘single people’ but since finding out about his parents… enhanced clubbing, drinking and smoking.

    I don’t know whether to listen to him, listen to him when he tells me our relationship has reached its peak or to continue to support and fight for him and our relationship. Has anybody been in a similar situation or have any advice for me?

  121. m ramsey says:

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months..he has mentioned in small parts about his terrible childhood..abandoned my parents..trouble with the law..low self esteem..etc..he told me he suffers depression..which I have realized is worse during the holidays..it started out him not feeling good ..stomach hurt..always tired..always hungry. .but we still texted everyday and talked on phone..I am 2 hrs from him..but would go down and spend weekends with him..then up til Wed before Thanksgiving he was planning on coming to my house and spend the weekend..well he didn’t come up..has pretty much stopped texting..no phone calls since Thanksgiving weekend over 3 weeks ago..and when he texts no I love yous..which hurts..he had told me a few weeks before he got into this depression that when he gets this way he doesnt talk ti anybody. .I try not to take it personally. .but we are in a fairly new relationship. .and I know absolutely zero ppl of his friends or family..which he really doesnt have any..I wish I knew how long these bouts of depression last..should I try to see him ..even though he says he had said when he is like this he doesnt want to see anybody..I text him everyday and tell him I love him..im here for him..im not going anywhere…and never mention how his depression is hurting me..I miss him so much..any advice please..he becomes a workaholic during these times..ye is a union teamster. .and can pretty much work as many hours as he wants..though he is home each night..which is 2 hrs from me..thank you

    • Are says:

      Four months? Marriages decades long are destroyed by this. I’m sorry but four months of which one month you haven’t seen him since you haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving. It’s a no brainer to me. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. Do what’s best for you. Move on. You don’t have history with him or a foundation that it would take to survive the wrath of depression and the toll it takes.

      • m ramsey says:

        Thank you for your advice…I appreciate your honesty…it is just hard because it is new..im 46 yrs old and love him..seems to be harder to let go than when I was younger..

        • Lindsey says:

          m ramsey, I might look like I am responding to all your messages :), I feel like if I help you I might feel better myself. Maybe helpers syndrome, who knows. I met my husband 9 years ago and our relationship was wonderful. 3 months into the relationship, we had a very horrible fight because of some stupid little misunderstanding. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THEN, I didn’t! I gave reasons why he behaved the way he did and he apologised and I forgave him. From then our fights escalated to every week, and it didnt stop. You see, I was scared of leaving him. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage where the father is not supporting his kids financially and this man, my husband came and took up this responsibility. I was unemployed and he paid me a huge salary even put my kids in private schools and made me feel like he was a god to me. I did not know about depression at that time. He rejects me when ever he feels like and treats me like I am nothing. A friend once said to get a job and he will respect me. I did but what happened next was so hurtful. He packed all his furniture and left, when I came back home he was gone and only my furniture was left. I was humiliated and hurt. He blames me for everything that happens to him. He does not take responsibility for anything at all! He does not work as he inherited money from his father. His father also gets blamed equally. I am the only one who knows about his depression. He has hidden it from his biological kids and his family.

          I do not know you, you have your reasons to stay as I had my reasons to stay. My greatest regret now is I should have left at that time when I could. Now 9 years down the line, I think back, would I have got someone better ( by better I mean without this illness)? This illness is horrible! I wake up everyday and pray to God that the demon is sleeping today. It is 2:10am and I am awake. I am trying to find solutions on how to stay sane! He always said I am the depressed one, he says I am the angry one, I am the one who frustrates him, He even tells me that he hates me. All this in front of my kids. When he sees me laughing he says “wow lucky you that you can laugh” . I immediately stop laughing and I know that that day we are gonna fight. It is horrible. When he is down, I am down, when he is great I am also great. He threatens to commit suicide and because of the pain in my heart, I do not feel sorry for him. I am 40 years old, living in this situation which Icould have stopped. I found this website and I can vent. I vent and feel like maybe now I can sleep. I will try to sleep. Hope you make the right decision for you!

          • m ramsey says:

            Thank you for your comments. .I appreciate them..I am 46..have been divorced for 25 years..my choice..Im a union pipefitter..and travel some for work..I have no children..one thing I guess I can be thankful for..is he has never blamed me or fought with me..he told me in the beginning he suffers from depression and holidays are worse..yes he has gone as far as not telling me he loves me..wont answer phone calls..texts ..I havent heard anything from him for 2 weeks. .last nite I did the unthinkable..lol..I contacted his ex who they get along well and we didnt know each other..but found her on facebook..I pm her..and she answered. .said she was so happy I was in his life. .and she told me he had contacted her a week ago.
            They have 2 children..I was glad to just know he is ok..I love him…and I told him.I would give him his time alone but Id be there waiting for him…like his ex said everybody in his life has left him..I think now he pushes ppl away..before they leave him..even his parents didnt want him..wow sorry for so long..it helps me to talk about him to others in the same boat..what is hard now too..im working 700 miles away..hope you have a good day and those demons lie quiet today

  122. Pete R says:

    I have been married to my wife for exactly one year this is my first marriage and her second marriage. the first two years everything was great and when I first met her in 2013 she told me she was seeing a psychiatrist to deal with personal issue she would never talk to me about.
    After 11 months of marriage I noticed a change in her for about seven of those 11 months. she became distant and very agitated at me though she was still saying” I love you “in texts, I came home August 12 and she left a note saying she was leaving, she didn’t contact me for one month even her Family members didn’t contact me about her well-being. her Son acted like it was all my fault.
    She Left me with a ton of bill and an apartment I can barely afford and she was the one who signed the lease. I want her back but it has been almost 5 months now so I don’t know what’s going on after 30 days she seemed all right and she told me she needed time apart .
    But now it’s back to the no contacting me scenario . maybe I am making her more agitated by asking her why she doesn’t talk to me even though I have been reading up on depression I am just so confused.

  123. Andy says:

    “If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

    Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
    ― Stephen Fry

  124. Toi says:

    I’m so confused. I have been married for almost 9 years. My husband was loving, transparent and kind. In September I noticed we were not connecting and he grew distant. In the past 5 weeks he has gone from “I love you”, to I only love you as a friend, to Taking his ring off and saying we should divorce. He has cut off all emotional connection. He sleeps in the living room. He wont say love you. Our 3 children see a change and wonder why daddy doesn’t say love you to mom. He stopped going to church. Stopped going to his recovery meetings . He has been going to therapy for 4 weeks now. His therapist seems to think he is severely depressed and possibly bi polar. He just went to his pcp yesterday and was put on zoloft. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday. I just want my sweet husband back. I miss his love his compassion his snuggles his sweet texts him holding my hand…thise simple things that define love for me. This is aweful…purely aweful

    • lee says:

      You are not alone. I am going through the same thing. I have been married two years , after my husband being married for 28 years and a bad break up. At first he swept me off my feet and our marriage was so exciting and happy. During the last year the signs started, no little love texts, no cuddles, no kisses, no wanting to go out and dance. He sits in the chair and watches tv all day and night. Tells me he wants to be a lone and threatens to leave. He goes on hunger strike and does not eat. He has started to critize every thing i do. I am sad and cry. At this stage it is so new I am not even sure what to do You are not alone and I am so sorry.

  125. Joe says:

    My current girlfriend seems to have a mild case of depression. I first met her three years go, and instantly had this crush on her which never wore off. Problem was I was in a relationship then, but then I found out earlier this year that she liked me too. It was a mutual thing that we kept at a shallow level because I was still with my ex. I broke up with my ex because I just wanted out of what was turning out to be one-sided relationship. My current gf was there to talk to me to help me deal with my sadness, and we realized later on that we’d fallen in love.

    Now, for as far as I’d known her, she’d had a negative perception of herself and life in general. She posts very emotional statuses on facebook, berates people who tell her to “be positive” or “cheer up” etc, she thinks she’s not worth any good – but she’s a beautiful, smart and a talented singer at that. I’d always told her all of that, and she appreciates it “as long as it comes from you”.

    Recently, she’d told me that she sees herself with me in the future, and is hinting at the possibilities of getting married and having a family. This coming from a girl who always told people around her that she gave up on love and a shot at a happy life.

    However, she is still struggling with her depression and is still quite anti-social except to those she feels she can open up to, and would understand her. I once opened up to her that maybe she can seek professional help, and she immediately told me “I am not insane”, and I reassured her that she is not, but maybe it can help her smoothen out her moods.

    I am afraid to screw up my future in case I do get married to her, but I would have to admit that we’re very much in love, and I would also like to see what the future holds.

    How do you stay in a relationship like this?

  126. Rocky says:

    Me & my best friend (future wife) we have been dating for a year. And amazing year, a couple months into us dating I knew she suffered from depression. I though depression was just a deep sad feeling. I didn’t know it was this deep. Anyway after her birthday in which we celebrated with her family and had a great time. My birthday is 4 weeks after hers. After her birthday she because very distant. She said to celebrate my birthday we was gonna go out every weekend of the month. She became very distant I told her we don’t have to go out everyweekend; I just wanna see you. In the mean time she had a death in the family and just completely distanced herself from me. I love her so much. Went always went out on dates.m, I send her flowers once a month to her job, and we always made time for eachother. She told me that she is “emotionally struggling”. At first I did t know what she meant. Did she cheat on me with another?!? My mind went there first. In till I did my research on depression. Fast forward three months she distants herself from me & her family. We text maybe once to twice a day. We use to text like a hundred daily. I miss my best friend. I heard people on here say “run away!” When you really love someone it’s not that easy. She even told me I should date other girls. I told her if I wanted to date other girls I would have, I love you! We both are 36 years old. I’m currently in the market to buy a house. Hopefully we both can move in together and get married. However I know God have to help, help her and me. I went into a mini depression missing her. I’m out of it now thanks God. We text every now and then. I still send her flowers with the message “I love you, I care for you and I’m here for you” I miss her dearly. I’m currently focusing on my myself and making me the best version of me daily. I need to hear successful testimonys on here. I won’t give up on her because I know my God is the strongest and the most powerful. I won’t give up on love!

    • Mouse says:

      In this tough time it’s most important that you stay strong and look after yourself. I was in a similar situation 5 months ago. My partner just switched off and said that he couldn’t continue the relationship as he was ill. From that day I let him go, it was the hardest thing I ever did especially when the relationship a few days prior to that was still great. I had no contact with him for 5 months and concentrated on myself. It didn’t mean I didn’t think about him and miss him everyday. Out of the blue last week he contacted me asking if I wanted to go to a ball with him. I will be introduced to all his friends and some work colleagues who we had kept the relationship quiet from before. I must admit, for many reasons, I am scared stiff.
      In my humble opinion it’s important to let your partner have the time they need to recover. It may be a long or short process but hopefully it will turn out better in the end. Just remember it’s not you, it’s this horrible illness.
      Take care of yourself

    • Kristin says:

      Hi Rocky, any updates on your situation? I’m now dealing with the same thing. It’s so heartbreaking!

  127. cavewoman says:

    It’s a selfish disease. We all understand depression but he is purposely pushing me away and decided he cannot have a family. Its been 7months of me crying and trying to be strong for us but my fiance keep pushing and pushing me away and it hurts so bad and im broken inside. i felt like i have hope last month but now we dont talk for days now. He was sorry he lost his confidence as a family man and i just have no words anymore. My health is dropping toofor worrying and thinking of him. I feel tired.

  128. lune says:

    I am so relieved reading that – or maybe not, I’m not sure. I have been feeling like I’m turning into this emotionally unstable, neurotic person for weeks now and I just couldn’t figure out where all these feelings suddenly came from. Stuff from the past bubbles up, I have trouble sleeping, my heart rate’s irregular and at times, I am so tired, I feel like everything is too much. The catch: I fell in love with some one a couple of months back who was married to a severely depressed and suicidal wife and has a small kid. The wife left him shortly after we’d met and set her mind on a violent campaign of ‘revenge’. Within a couple of weeks, she had him completely broken down (not that he was the most stable before, either, since he had the break up, her depression, her suicide attempt, the kid and his own issues from the past to deal with) and till today keeps attacks coming his way on a regular basic (e.g. calling the police and stating he was abusive or threatening to claim he was hurting the kid if he didn’t comply to her demands etc.). When crisis struck, I pretty much put my own life on hold and was with him close to 24/7, cleaning up his apartment, talking to him and holding him at night when he was struck by insomnia. It drained me. After a couple of weeks, I started to feel extremely tired and irritable and dramatic. Now, this has turned into something like a constant instability, I experience extreme emotions, suddenly am unable to deal with minor issues and feel incredibly lonely. Right now, we live quite far away from each other but we text a lot. Our relationship has taken a rapid turn for the worse . I feel like he’s completely lost interest and as if I’m supposed to give and give and give and be patient and understanding all the time meanwhile feeling as neglected as I haven’t felt in years. Even when he’s here and I sit next to him, I feel like I can’t reach him. He’s negative, sometimes even a little aggressive, I think. If I tell him, he either acknowledges it or fights me. In any case, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I often feel put down and criticised and at the same time asked to be loving and open and supportive. That makes me feel used and consequently, angry. I feel like I’m supposed to deal with his and his daughters’ problems while taking care of me is entirely my own business. Sorry for this becoming such a rant, I wasn’t even aware of the amount of feelings I had bottled up in that department. It’s just that now it’s come so far that I consider distancing myself since I feel I’m investing a lot more than I ought to. it helped me tremendously to read your article and a couple of the comments below. It made me feel that my reaction to all of this might not be as crazy and ‘pathological’ as I thought it was.

  129. Me_her_and_depression says:

    I found myself here after reading through searches in google for support and answers to what is going on in my life right now and for over a year. Its so refreshing to final read and relate to other people who have become spouses to this illness that robs people of their feelings and love.

    I gave been with my girlfriend for around 2 and half year and she was on anti-depressants when i met her; which she had been on shortly after giving birth to her daughter. Anyway i never judge anyone and it went really well, she was fun, loving and caring and always had this soft, gentle aura about her which i completely fell in love with.

    She had came off anti depressents about 6 month after we met and she was fine , then months after that we bith endured quite a stressful time due to both going through the court system to ensure child care arrangments were in place for my child and her child. It was during and after that time that i started to suspect something was wrong in the way she was dealing with stress. She started avoiding social situations and had an excuse for getting out of wverything, including not to see me.

    So this last 8 months have been the worst, she has broken up with me several times but she has always came back to me. The last time she broke up with me in may of this year she told me that she didnt want a relationship, it was hard but i had to just try and move on. It was at this point were i discovered me again as i wasnt the support for her and i could renergise from the emotional drain i had been put on for sometime. It was during this time that she also realised that being apart didnt chamge the way she felt and realised that she was unhappy in general and had mistoke that unhappiness from being a problem in our relationship. And way we started talking and she really opened up to me about how she felt. She told me that she just feels stressed or not stressed and that there is no inbetween (anxiety) and that she has no control over her feelings. She started to go to the doctors, make appointments, not turn up for appointments; but with my support we got her there and she started telling the doctor everything – i finally felt as if this was the breakthrough i needed, as ling as she is getting treatment i will be around.

    Any way about 4 weeks ago the doctor put her on an NRI antidepressant to stop her sleeping all the time and to give her a lift. The trouble By this point she had been drinking a lot (a bottle of wine per night), at the same time as taking antidepressants. Me, her and our two kids went out for dinner and she was very agitated around him and was fiddling with her eyelashes and eyebrow through lunch. It had been a while were we had all been together due to the breakups this illness had caused so i put it to that. Anyway fast forward a couple of weeks and she is avoiding social situations were my son was so i approched her about it and asked if she cared about him; her response was that she feels wierd around him but she cares for me (by text). Its been a week now and ive never heard from her since.

    Ive been through so many ups and downs with her illness that i am emotionally and physically drained. Ive tried to leave so many times but i havnt got the strength to so it as my love for her is so much stronger. My life and me is secondary to her and this illness which drains every aspect out of family life. Immnot married and even her family tell me to leave her but i find it so hard to. Its so hard to to see past the critical comments, the negativity and when she leaves and comes back its really hard not to take it personal.

    She has another 4 weeks till her meds kick in properly so even though i havent heard anything from her for a week im going to have to see if there are any changes in her by then and to see if she acknowledges the hurt that she is causing. At this point i really want to leave her but cant let go

    • elizabeth says:

      I am sorry , I know exactly how you are felling , I love my ex so much , I cannot give up on him .its so unbearable , did she stay in contact with you now? did she reply texts?

  130. Eric says:

    Uhm, hi whoever reads this. I’ve been in a relationship with a girl that is the love of my life since November 19th of 2014. I always hated the idea of marriage, but when I met her, I wanted to marry her immediately. She has social anxiety and depression, and when I first got to know her, I opened up about my past, (which wasn’t a very good one), and she opened up to me too. Her mom told me she had never opened up to anyone like that. I learned that she harmed herself a lot, and that she hated herself. But I talked to her a lot and she stopped hurting herself for a few months and was doing really well until she got upset again. I made sure not to make her feel like she did something wrong, but I reminded her that I was here for her to talk to where she felt like harming herself. After that things got better again for several months, until her brother in law committed suicide. She fell back into depression, and didn’t even have the will or desire to live. I stayed with her supporting her and trying everything I possibly could to help her, but it’s an ongoing struggle. It got to the point where she expressed no interest in anything and I honestly couldn’t tell if she loved me anymore. She acts like she’s okay, but I know she’s not. Things haven’t really gotten much better and often I find myself so stressed out by the end of the day because I couldn’t do anything to help, I go to bed crying and lay there for hours just wishing things would go my way, asking myself what have I done so wrong that the one I love is taking the punishment? I hate it. I absolutely hate what is happening. She refuses to get professional help, and her mom told me that she doesn’t know what to do either. It’s so hard to find the line between being helpful and not saying something that will upset her and make her ignore me. She’s aware that she’s hurt me, and she knows that it looks like she doesn’t care, and she said she does. It’s really hard to go day to day trying to figure out what I can do. She deserves to be happy and it’s worse that I’ve seen her happy and it’s beautiful to see her like that, yet she’s stuck with this. It’s killing me, but I know it’s killing her more. Please help..

  131. Andy says:

    My partners depression is making me soooo weak. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even clean the house and take care of myself. Everything is about him, there is no me. There is only him. I tried everything, he won’t open up to his parents and when people are around he acts normal. When is just the 2 of us. He becomes another person, starts shaking, focusing on the negative, his eyes become dark and he panicks about everything even what is going well. This week in conversations with strangers, he opens up about his problems as if they have the solution, some people are already noticing that he is depressive and I try to cover it for him. I invented this protection blanket for him and left myself out of it. I feel empty, I can’t sleep and I can’t even deliver a good work. Sometimes he is not even in the mood to meet new people, go out, have drink, have dinner it always starts with “we are not staying for 3 hours” “I feel tired, we should go home now” When I stay out until late he panics, thinks I was with somebody else and becomes aggressive, never physically but emotionally he starts abusing me. I pray God helps me. I followed him to a country where I can’t work and with my savings I contribute to the house. He often say is that is not enough but I could not do any interviews because I am home taking care of him. Sometimes he scratches his own skin, starts kicking against things, says he rather die so I feel that I should stay home and take care of him. I am lonely, sexually we do nothing, he is never in the mood and if something happens is once a week or I have to push and beg for sex and a kiss. I am a ghost and depression is winning. He used to be a happy person but now he changed again. It is the second time depression and anxiety attacks out relationship. He has the perfect house, job and family supporting him (my family) he is not giving this energy to his family, but he does not seem to be able to see all the things that are dying around us. I asked him to fight but this fighting spirit only stays for 5 minutes. I am afraid but I know this will not happen to me. I will not have to lay in bed with depression, I pray, visualize and I have faith that he will one day stand up and help himself…..

    • Me says:

      I am crying as I read your post because this is exactly my situation and I’m not sure if it’s the realization of the situation or relief that I’m not the only one or guilt that I didn’t see this sooner but I wanted you to know that I’m going through the same thing and you’re not alone.

      • Andy says:

        Thank you for letting me know, it feels good to know that we have a lot of fighters around the world. At the moment he is meditating and doing a lot of exercises we are also changing the way we eat, sleep and interact with time. There are 2 medications that I will try in January and hopefully it will work, St. Johns Wort with Ashwaganda. Let´s wait for the results..

    • enter name here says:

      I am knee deep in a puddle of my own tears after reading this–my situation is almost identical to yours. I’m exhausted physically and emotionally from taking the brunt of this terrible illness. I’m starting to think that I’m crazy. I just want to be heard. I just want to know that I’m not alone.

      • Andy says:

        you are not crazy, you are just the partner of someone who is depressed and his energy are becoming yours or giving you the feeling that it is to much because your own happy mind wants to fight against it. This is not you so do not give up on you while you are in this relationship. Make sure you come up with a plan to survive and stay happy because you need it and no one not even a depressed partner should transform your life into hell. Good luck!

    • SJ says:

      I felt so relieved reading what you had written because I know I’m not alone. I’m sat here alone, my partner upstairs in bed (after snapping at me), I have a finished beer and a cup of camomile tea. I’m trying to write funny stories about my grandfather for his funeral (he died earlier in the week) but my day has been consumed by my partner and his depression. Telling me how awful he feels. I cannot grieve for my grandfather because I have to support him (I’m now crying). On the day I found out my grandfather was dead my partner tried to break up with me and said a whole raft of hurtful things. I got told in the morning when I got to work and decided to stay so I could distract myself. When I finished I was only allowed a few hours to take in the information and get a cuddle before the focus was back on him. I cancel social appointments and feel drained because I am almost obsessed with how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking and what he might say to me. I have even started to think how easy it would be to drift the car right when driving to work and ending it all, ending the pain and suffering. I want him to stop lying and seek help, not just for his sake but for the sake of my mental health. It’s like being tortured. I have made a mistake in our relationship but he’s not exactly got a halo. Lies, lies and more lies.

      • Andy says:

        You can also play with the word WE to not make him feel bad you can say “we need to go to a therapist to talk about our issues”I feel like I need to. Don´t point fingers and don´t let him feel as if he is the only one suffering with this because its clear that both of you, need someone to talk to. Meanwhile make a plan, it can be a life plan that includes healthy food, exercising together, social days, therapy, change of furniture, small gardening projects, talk groups, photography project and the angry diary friend where you write daily all your plans. It is working for me, hopefully it works for you.

    • lune says:

      “Everything is about him, there is no me. There is only him.” Thank you for this passage, even though that’s heartbreaking. I feel so understood right now! This is exactly how I’ve felt for the last couple of weeks. And I felt even worse by constantly considering whether I was being selfish, whether I was asking too much, whether I was being dramatic. It’s like you’re giving your own energy and love away meanwhile being starved for anything in return. That’s not the relationship of a couple but rather the kind of relationship a patient and therapist might have, or an employer and an employee. There’s a hierarchy and one person and his/her needs dominates all. I truly hope that you two can find a way out of this and if you can’t, that you’ll be able distance yourself.

      • Andy says:

        Hi Lune, I am still here fighting. The days are very difficult but we are now doing a therapy and I am also taking care of myself so I learn to protect my energy and love to not become depressive after this experience. I asked God to join me, we visit the church every sunday. I see a change but sometimes I see us drawning but this part of my anger I write in my diary, here or in another website.

    • Anon33 says:

      I (like everyone else on this thread) know what it’s like as well. I’ve been in my relationship for over 3 years now, and it’s been a constant roller coaster of up’s and severe downs.

      After three years of learning and dealing and giving, I can’t really say it gets easier. I still haven’t gotten used to the angry episodes where he snaps at me. I still feel like I haven’t figured out the “right things to say.” I still feel intense, overwhelming, mind-gripping fear every time he says he wants to kill himself. I still haven’t figured out how to keep him from being unrealistically critical of himself. I still find myself not wanting to leave him alone during “bad days” for fear that I might not be there to save him. He is currently lying in bed, blaming himself for something, feeling suicidal and angry at me for “not understanding.” Though this is happened before, I still cannot get used to it.

      But then I wonder if we are ever supposed to get used to these things…

      Rather, I’ve learned to take comfort in the fact that this is a cycle. No matter how bad the “down” is, I can look forward to an “up.” I’ve opened up to my friends and family about what I go through, and his friends are aware too. So I feel a little less pressured to have to “hold it together” on my own. I’ve learned what triggers him to get worse during an argument, so I can do my best to avoid that.

      In this moment I feel fear, regret, anxiety, guilt. I don’t think we can ever get rid of these feelings completely. I am still composed though (which is relatively new). And I have some hope that he will pull out of this soon (which is also new). So I tell myself that it’s getting better…

      I love him dearly, and remind him of that. I do think that we face a battle that many others don’t know exist. I wish I knew the answer to help us through the pain and struggles we go through as people who love someone with depression. I think it takes a lot of time to figure out though…

    • sotiredafteryearsofit says:

      Wow your opening 4 lines have been my life for 6 years now. I am so tired. I remember having fun. Kind of. Everyone says it eventually gets better. I’m not so sure. Yes we are not at rock bottom anymore, but so much damage has been done that I don’t think we will ever see where we were.

      • Andy says:

        I also remember the fun I had when I was alone. While he is working or away do have fun with yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself, Breath for you, survive for you and him if you think this ove is worth it. The damage you can learn to understand in therapy or here with us. Have hope and faith and the rest will follow, even thought its difficult. When it is killing you, you will know is time to go.

    • Andy says:

      Than you for the responses it feels less lonely and for me it is a wake up call, to not let myself die and pump all I have into something that I will not manage to resolve alone. I would like to update you. Yesterday I decided to agree on whatever life was giving me as the love of my life as long as this person makes me happy when they have control of their own thought. I decided to accept that for now, I am still strong enough to stay and fight with him. I don´t believe that our love is the cure but the love of God and me should at least help him survive the thoughts that convince him that he should die. As his partner, I am not taking care of me how I used to. When he goes to work I have at least 10 hours of me time, I clean, cook and do all the administration in the house and organise our workers because he is too afraid to demand from them respect. although I feel like the main house, in the 10 hours I have for myeself sometimes I get up, close my eyes and dance with myself, I meditate, sing, do things to remind me that in the little things that are still left in my life I can find happy moments and that is my injection to cope with the stress he will come home with. Although depression is considered a selfish sickness it is a sickness that makes the happy partner feel more selfish if the happy partner thinks about ending the relationship or just being happy without following the feeling of a depressed partner. My days go very fast, to keep up with my intelligence I get lost in books, website but unfortunately there is no adventure in them because the books I used to read when I was single make me feel bad as I feel that as long as I stay my time should be about him, focusing on his needs, desires and feelings. We have a lot of down moments it is difficult to not want to slap him sometimes because the most simple things are becoming a problem for him. Around 4 am he wakes me up and than we both should not sleep until he finds peace. His mind produces different movies where he is the bad character and everybody is busy hating him, not liking him or just putting him down. I am young, full of life and smart but this man is eating all I managed to become and today sometimes I find myself in bed just watching movies and not in the mood to do anything because I envy every moment we had of happynes, as they come and stay for a few days and soon the are just a short memory of my days with him. I found different medications that I will now try to use, we are slowly becoming vegetarians and sometimes he wants to fight this sickness so bad that he reminds me why I should never give up on him. Despite his insecurties, depression and stress I can still make a list of happy moments with him and all those moments are enough to keep our love fighting. In the end I think that we all deserve a good, healthy, lovely partner but sometimes those challenges come because God or just the universe know to who they are handling to. I am a strong person, happy, always inspiring others and very positive. If I look at my life in the past, alone I did everything I wanted to do, backpacking, dancing, falling in love with the wrong man, studying, working for big companies and all the stuff that we think counts to say we have a successful life. So I think today, God knows, God knows he needs me to take care of this child as I am a strong lover and he knows I believe this is the last man I will love in my whole life. I chose to accept this challenge and meanwhile I will create little soldiers to not forget who I am. My dears, lets read about it, change our lifestyles and who knows we are able to make our partners survive for years full of happiness. God bless, Andy.

  132. Angela says:

    I am so glad I found this page. This year has been very difficult as my boyfriend came home one night in February after work and asked me for help. I had no idea what he was talking about…he then went on to tell me he had several thoughts that were taking him over. He also shared that he was feeling suicidal. The next morning I checked him into the hospital and he was inpatient for 2 weeks. He was diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD and OCD. He was given way too much medication and when he was released he was over medicated which meant I had to take a lot of time off of work. He went two months with no pay, but had medical leave. Finally he went back to work with a night shift which did not help. By the end of June he was back in the hospital for a week and a half. Two weeks later, the worst of the worst happened. I woke up with him not next to me. He had attempted suicide. That morning I checked him into a hospital which this stay now lasted three weeks. He had to have several ECT treatments to take him out of the deep depression. He then did a month of outpatient therapy which then landed him back in the hospital, which is where he currently is.

    Is this going to be the rest of his life? I have still supported him but because of financial reasons we had to move from our apartment and live separately. I would love to keep our relationship, but I feel his family is pushing me away. I feel like they think I caused all of this…which is absurd. Do I hang in there for him or call it quits? He’s so easily influenced because he doesn’t have energy …whoever is around him is who he listens to. We were going to get engaged this year and start our life together. I am just so heartbroken and don’t want to make it look like I gave up on him. I did everything I could possibly do for him and more. I can’t keep fighting against his family who are in denial. What will happen to him?? So sad and scared of what the future will bring.
    Anyone have a similar experience? What did you do?

    • cavewoman says:

      Hi Angela,

      Blessed ur heart brave sister 🙂 reading what ur going breaks my heart. Its a familiar feeling of the man we love, lost and tired of life for whatever reason we cant understand. You’re doing the right thing supporting him all through this, God is with u and dont give up. What keeps me going dealing with my depressed fiance is the thought that what if what hes going through happened to me, I know he will not leave me behind coz he loves me. Its good he reaches out on u coz that only means he trust u and u r his strength and confidant. God’s love is powerful than our love so lift it all up to him and pray. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too and have some space if u needed and feels tired of going through this ordeal. It is never easy but all I can say is you r doing a good job. Hang in there sweet soul. Pray for guidance that when ur heart feels tired and you cant take it anymore then its ok to let go. Its sad that his family have no understanding on what hes going through now. In my case my fiances mom always advise me to be patient and that her son needs reassurance all the time now. I will be praying for u Angela and ur boyfriend.

      XOXO ~R

  133. cavewoman says:

    I saw these words today and i think it is worth sharing… xoxo

    “It’s interesting that the word “depressed” is spoken phonetically as “deep rest”. We can view depression not as a mental illness, but on a deeper level, as a profound (and very misunderstood) state of deep rest, entered into when we are completely exhausted by the weight of our own (false) story of ourselves. It is an unconscious loss of interest in the second-hand – a longing to ‘die’ TO THE FALSE … It’s amazing what can evolve naturally when depression and the desire for suicide (which is the desire for the deep rest of yourself) are truly honored, met, embraced, held, and you do not flinch from pain or turn away from it. It’s amazing what can happen when you actively listen to the one in front of you from a loving place of non-judgemental acceptance, trusting the intelligence of life itself, and allowing the divine and loving suicide of awakening to weave its mysterious magic.”
    – Jeff Foster, Life Without a Centre

  134. ellie7 says:

    Hi, I’m 20 and have been reading this feed for a while. My boyfriend was bullied as a child for years and his experiences really had a lasting effect on him, we’ve been together a year and only in the last couple of months its become clear that his ‘positive persona’ has been masking his depression and very low self esteem, I knew something wasn’t right but he held things together very well and insisted he was okay. In the last 2 months, it has become too much for him and after a conversation, he opened up and admitted he was depressed. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me, his voice has no intonation anymore and when I ask him about his day, he makes up things he’s done and later on admits he’s hasn’t. The other day he sent me an article about the link between suicide and depression and I just broke down, it just broke my heart that he could have suicidal thoughts and he insists he doesn’t but it brought the seriousness of the situation into sharp focus and I realised we have to do something.

    We ordered self help books together and last night I managed to persuade him to submit a counselling request but he won’t get an appointment for over a month so I’m really hoping that between now and then with support from me and the books we can keep at this level or even make some good changes while we wait.
    He blames everything on himself, he doesn’t have the energy to get up, he feels guilty and responsible for everyone else’s problems and he can’t recognise negative thoughts about being worthless and pathetic because he fully embraces and believes them. I love him so much, he is a wonderful, selfless, intelligent and gentle person and I’m scared about his future, I want to try and help him and reassure before it gets worse but I’m scared my advice might make him worse, I’m just following my intuition and some research from online but I don’t even know if I should be giving advice at all or just letting him be and being there and I’ve asked what he wants but he doesn’t know. Also today we hit a problem as the books he has contradict each other in their approach and it upset him and confused him and he got upset because he just didn’t know which to do. I said lets try everything but it was a set back in his motivation to give it a go.

    I suffer from health anxiety myself but have got it under control and understand and recognise it and have learnt to deal with it for the most part. He was wonderfully supportive while I figured things out and I just want to do the exact same for him.

    Its hard helping him when it’s over Skype and I can’t hug him when he’s down which really seems to help. he says that being with me makes him feel better and when we’re together he does seem happy and he is loving which I’m so grateful for. But at the same time I want his happiness to come from himself and not just me, because to be truly happy, it needs to come from him and he deserves so much to know how amazing he is for himself. Also, I don’t want our relationship to not be real and just be a safety net for him. I’d never leave him and I’d never not be there for him but he needs the confidence in himself and it seems so hard to imagine that right now. but reading these posts has given me hope for us. its nice to know that other people have come out the other side with their loved one 🙂

    It is draining and confusing and I’m not sure whether its right for me to confide in a close friend for advice or whether thats a breach of my trust because he wouldn’t want other people to know. But it is very isolating being the only person other than him who knows whats going on. I have a very close friend who has suffered from depression and want to seek advice from her but i don’t want to seem to be ‘going behind his back’ because I know if i asked him he’d say no.

    • cavewoman says:

      Hi Ellie7 🙂

      Lemme give u a hug full of strength and patience 🙂
      Ive been opening how feel here for the last months and just hang in there it’ll get better. Just like u I wanted to do everything so I can give all the support I can to my fiance when I first found out he has depression. I tried offering solutions that I can think of. First to be a good caregiver to our depressed partner YOU need to gather yourself together. You have to try to approach everything in a relax and positive manner no matter how much it hurts inside. Cry if u need to but not infront of ur partner. As much as possible dont offer solution rather offer understanding and love and that u are in this together that u believe in him alot. I have dealt with my fiance w depression for 5 months and so far as of this 6month he is getting calmer and we r getting ok now, all i did was show him love, patience and space when he needs it. I take care of myself to make sure I can give those to him positively. Just last weekend was the first time I hear my fiance laugh and giggle with me again after 5 months of being distant and grumpy and tired and depressed. When I dont know what to do, I cry on my own and pray for guidance. I always have in mind that Gods love is greater than any of our love and he will heal the mind and hearts of our beloved. Pray and get some space too for yourself if needed and ur feeling confuse and tired dealing with it. There’s hope so dont give up easy rather fight for the man u love. Me and my fiance are on the path of recovery now and i believe in him alot that he can be strong again and he is slowly gettinn back himself together 🙂 One thing that made me going is knowing I know how much he loves me and we stick with our beloved thru better or for worse but dont forget urself too. If u feel it in ur heart its time to let go then let go. Love is always sacrifice. Lift it all up to God… he will get u through it.. he helped me and after the storm i feeo the calmness now and i dont know what the future holds but im happy sticking w my fiance thru better or for worse..

      im here if u need someone to talk to.

      xoxo ~R

  135. cavewoman says:

    God is so good. Today after work Ive been crying and feeling so sad and I cried and prayed at the same time that I dont know anymore what to do w my depressed fiance. After a few minutes I got a call from him and I listened. He said that he’s sorry and that he loves me so much. Its been months that hes been distant and down and sometimes grumpy. Today is a happy day coz there’s hope we just dont stop believing. God’s love and our love can heal our partners. Keep going strong 🙂 xoxo

    • sammy says:

      Love ya, cavewoman. Thanks

    • Andy says:

      Happy for you and sending positive energy your way! It is difficult but you (we) can do this. My story is not different than yours. I often feel hopeless but a list of why I should stay helps me not give up and sometimes while praying I see us happy again. That is important!

      • cavewoman says:

        Hi Andy,
        I wrote that my fiance have been ok lately already still he has those distant moods. Like this weekend, I havent heard from him and I wanted to call him or write him but something in me also thinks he may need this space. My heart feels sad and I feel drained for few days now, emotionally,mentally,physically so now he hasnt tak to me in 2 days I think i needed the space too. I wanna keep my faith that he is on the road to recovery at the same time that I give him my 100% support. Its not easy and breaks my heart. I started writing a journal and somehow it is where i put how i feel. I hope theres an end to our nightmares, its so hard to keep sane dealing with our depress partner. I just keep praying i get more strength to hold on.


  136. Melissa says:

    You write in your post:

    “But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me…”

    Can you talk about what that looked/looks like? How does she do that?

    Thank you for this blog…it is very helpful

    • Natalie says:

      I need the same answers, Melissa! My partner can tell that my mind is somewhere else and my mood is not as happy as usual around her but I can’t tell her it’s because I feel like I always need to walk on eggshells not to upset her, worried about her & her feelings, and frustrated that she asked for help and talks about needing help – but yet no doctor appointment has been made! I have been on medication a few months for depression so she sees that I have had success in getting my life back on track but it’s not enough to push her to go to a doctor. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to get better ASAP. since she’s seen me depressed, she knows what it’s like to be on the other side of it as well…she took care of me in that awful time and I owe her the same love and respect but I feel as if I did my job and got help and got better.. Everyday that she doesn’t go to a doctor I get a little more distant because I’m so frustrated and I don’t know how long I can go on feeling more like a caretaker than a partner.

  137. Confused says:

    I have been dealing with a depressed boyfriend for quite some time. He is not the fun, loving person I first started dating. He has been seeking therapy for many months and put on medication. Despite all of this he has still suffered, granted it has not been as bad. He has told me that he was feeling better and that everything was helping but I guess this was not the case considering a month ago he stopped taking his medication and began abusing painkillers (which he previously confessed in abusing a year ago) all without me knowing. During this month he shut me out and went days without speaking to me. Then he went 5 days without speaking to me at all and then when I finally heard from him he told me about the drugs and being further depressed and that he was going to an inpatient facility to seek help and was leaving the next day. I live in a different state so I really did not have any time to process this information. He will be gone a month, and he has already been gone a few weeks. I am glad he is getting help but all I can think about is for how long will feeling better last before it goes down hill again. I am in my early 20s and cant help but think how I’m wasting my time and fear about going through this all again. I also can’t get over the fact that I am dating someone who abuses drugs, I am very against that and we have already been through this a year ago, in which I forgave him and he said it was just a few times. He’s also said how if I did not want to be with him anymore then he was not going to seek help, so if I end the relationship I can’t imagine what is going to happen to his depression and what he will do. I should be more supportive in this time but I am very angry about the drug abuse and that is not something I’m willing to tolerate. I am not allowed to talk to anyone about the drug abuse so as far as anyone else knows he is just seeking help for depression. Everyone else thinks I should be more supportive and have sympathy but the drug abuse has really turned me off and I cannot look at him the same way. Any advice would be helpful.

    • cavewoman says:

      If u have already talked to him about his drug use that u dont want him doing that and he still does then leaving him is just a sacrifice. Love is always sacrifice. It is between u and him who knows whats really going on and u dont need to explain to people around u. It is already worse that hes going thru depression but doing drugs.. makes it even worse. If hes willing to really be better then going to treatment is the way to do it… Dont forget to take care of yourself, pray for guidance, have the acceptance that if your heart feels you need to let go then let go but if not then try to be more patient coz love for this depress person requires patience and lots of em. Gods love is more powerful than our love so believe that they will be healed.


  138. cavewoman says:

    l tried reaching out to my fiance and this is what he wrote me today…

    I want to talk, but I have so little hope now. I can not be a good partner now…financially, or emotionally. I feel like a failure. I am sorry for making you hurt, but I am so scared to tell you I am broken. I never saw my life going like this. I had such high hopes, but I feel like a failure now…period. I love you, but I know you deserve so much more, but I am ashamed to talk to you, and afraid to hurt you more. You are the truest, and best person to ever be in my life, and I feel like everything went up in smoke, because I failed you. I failed us. I will respect, and honor, and always love you, no matter what happens, but I have changed. I am no longer strong and confident about myself, or my ability to be a good partner and provider.

    Im at the verge of giving us up and this is what I replied to his message;

    I dont really care if we dont have everything hon, you are my everything and you matter most to me. I love u so much.

    I dont know where I will go from here and I dont really understand. It feels like a nightmare and Im not even sleeping… All I can do is pray and pray and pray and let God heal the heart he gave me… and heal my man’s mind and heart too w peace. I hope my fiance feels strong again and his depression goes away.

    • Rummy says:

      Kudos for being supportive during his time of need!
      Some people give up. Just shows how much love you have for your fiance.
      I’m proud of you!

      – Fellow depressed person

      • cavewoman says:

        Thanks Rummy!

        It is definitely not easy and sometimes I feel lost. People around me keep telling me to move on, one time hes kinda ranting abt his financial bout at work and he said that thinking abt taking care of a family is like believing in magic. He also told me to forget about him after i told him that we should be in this together and we should keep going coz its not the end of the world. I dont know anymore the right words to say and sometimes i lose it but after he tells me “forget abt him” I ended up w the response again that we r in this together and that i love him so much and that he was able to get passed this before (he got divorced 6 yrs ago and almost lived in a car paying debts of his exwife) I told him I know he can get pass it again. I feel lost myself but i am trying to keep going and be strong still and always be there for him. I always pray that may God give me the guidance and strength in everything.

    • SP says:

      Great job. Actually his response is more than I ever got for my partner. I used to be active on this page a year ago. My boyfriend of four years went through a serious bout of depression and left me. I didn’t get near the hopeful message you got from your fiancé. So I know many people say run and get out now. I don’t. I stayed. I contacted him every once in awhile. A text. A call two weeks later. I didn’t contact him A ton during the 13 months he was gone but I definitely stayed in touch. I sometimes got a response. Sometimes ignored. Sometimes he was grateful. Sometimes he asked me to give up on him. I wouldn’t. I once sent him a box with skips of paper in them describing the things I loved about him. To remind him of who he was. Like. You’re the best dad and write notes in lunch boxes. He cried when he got it and read them all in one sitting.
      He came back. We’ve been back together over s year now. It wasn’t easy repairing but we are closer now. Happier. And after two years he had finally started to feel better and less depressed.
      Everyone told me to give up on him. I’m glad I didn’t listen.

      • cavewoman says:

        Hi SP,

        You are such an angel to me now. I saw your response in my email and just exactly the reminder and kind of words i need now. I am encountering the same now that people around me tells me to move on. I always tell them if the person u love is at the worst time of his life that what i have to do is to love him more inspite of the confusion and heartbreaks I feel now from whats going on to him amd to us. I know Gods love is more powerful than my love and he will heal him and thats what he needs now. Its just so hard when people around u dont really understand. My fiance is a good man and i know he loves me coz he made me felt it during the time he was feeling ok and not a failure. He is always sorry that he fail us and he fail me. I always let him know its no ones fault and i know if he has the choice he wanted the best for us all the time. I hope I get to have the courage u had SP… thats what I need most now and I am really trying bcoz i love him so much.
        I sometimes give him the space he needs no matter how sad it makes me feel and i cry all the time but i know somehow it helps him coz after awhile he gets to open up w me, little by little. One of my friend tells me today that Ibjust continue to love and support him and be patient coz great man always have a way to get back and i know he can. Thanks SP and I appreciate u sharing ur experience with me and I will learn from it and try it too. May God always bless u both and healing for everyone whos undergoing this nightmare.


        • Kc says:

          I am hoping that this site and your words will help me. My girlfriend is going through a very nasty custody battle with her ex and is suffering from depression and anxiety. She has completely changed and says that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now because she has no emotions except for her child. We were so in love and everything was going in the right directions. What should I do now? Should I walk away because that’s what she says she wants or should I stay and continue fighting for this once in a lifetime love? Help!!!

          • cavewoman says:

            Hi Kc, I think the best is give her the space she needs. It doesn’t mean when we give the person we love the space that we have to give em up. You can love her by giving her the space to do what she wants to focus on now wc is her kid. Love is always sacrifice. Tell her when you get the chance to talk that you respect her wanting to be alone for her needs to focus on her kid and that you are there for her no matter what and that u love her. My friend once tells me that as i give my fiance the space I should use the time to take care of myself and that’s what I did. Sometimes giving space will help both of you to have a better understanding of everything. Me and my fiance have that calmness now when we talk and I still continue to give him the space he needs when I feel like he needs it and hes not ready to talk. I use the time to do some things like exercise or spend time w my friends and family and we just keep going. Pray for guidance is what helps me alot. Listen to your heart and what you feel is good and only let go when your heart feels so. Wish u all the best.


  139. Slowly Dieing says:

    I found this site thanks to another one and I am so thankful i have! Everything seems to e aimed at people with depression and nothing really for their partners so coming here and seeing there are many others in my place is refreshing and actually brings me some hope!

  140. J says:

    After reading an hour straight your comments I can only send you all strenght and hope. I will try to make this brief, I just need to voice it out altho I know Im not in such a critical condition as some friends here.
    Im in my 20’s, so is my GF. We met at collage and I just finished my last semester, she quit as she wasnt enjoying it, she started in a different area and skipped education and went straight to a work opportunity she had in that field. She has been diagnosed with depression, and she has been medicated but she dropped it a few months ago (the pills are being scarse in our country, 3rd world). She has seen a therapist but not reguraly, they have like a family therapist and her mom is on Prozac too, her little brother has some degree of Asperger so this therapist has been threating the whole family. Anyways, my concern is, we are planning to move out the next year, as our country is in a very bad situation right now. Our plan was to work and learn as much till next year so we could save some and have some job opportunities, however she now feels tired and unhappy with her current field, stressed all the time and overall depressed about it. Our relationship is great, we have been together for 2 years and she have been throu few depressing episodes, but not when shes with me and usually is just for a day or two at most. My issue is Im feeling too anxtious regarding our future, I dont know if its gonna get worse, If she wont find a proper carreer or path and Ill have to burden the weight of us moving to a different country and pay the bills by my own. Specially as Im in my early 20’s and I hate to be this selfish but I just cant stop thinking about how my whole life is ahead of me, and I dont know if I should give it a shot and see how it goes if we finally move to another country and together (we dont live together right now), or end it right now before it gets messy, and after reading so many comments about how it gets worst, but at the same so many comments that makes this seem as a minor problem, Im just not sure anymore.

    • J says:

      When she gets this episodes, she usually talks about how unsure she is about everything but me, that Im all that is sure for her in her life and its the only thing that she knows she wants, and shes usually tired and unmotivated about everything, but mostly work/carreer/responsabilities.

  141. Scott says:

    I will be married for eight years next week. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety. We have two boys, 6 and 7.

    My wife and I met in November 2006. Within three months of meeting, she became pregnant. We were married in July 2006– eight months after we met. She gave birth to our first child in November 2007. Within a few months, she was pregnant with our second child, to whom she gave birth in December 2008.
    Shortly after giving birth to our second child, she began to suffer from a debilitating postpartum depression, that culminated with a short admission into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. The hospitalization was a horrible experience for her, and while the depression has remained since then (not approaching seven years), she will not consider in patient treatment.

    Her depression and anxiety has impacted our children, who, at 6 and 7, are still not potty trained. She remains at home with the children. She exhibits great anxiety over them, and cannot deal with any conflict involving them, so when they opposed potty training, she did not remain firm. Likewise, when I tried to be firm in the training, she would become anxious, so I did not push the issue out of concern for exacerbating her anxiety. I would like to say that in hindsight I recognize that this was a mistake on my part (which I believe to be the case), but I have not learned anything, as I continue to allow her depression and anxiety– and how my actions may impact her– trump everything else in the house.

    At this point, our relationship is essentially that of two strangers living together. There’s no affection, and has not been for a a very long time. We are to the point where we barely speak, and there is barely eye contact. Compounding the problem is the fact that I am a divorce attorney by trade, so I spend my days dealing with married couples fighting and separating for problems that are, in some instances, similar to mine. I could not see myself leaving because of our children, but if I am to be honest, our children are the only reason I am still here.

    I find myself bouncing back and forth between walking on eggshells so as not to upset her and being very angry because her depression has consumed our family. I am so overwhelmed with despair and resentment. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling hate. I hate not having hope.

    • Dave says:


      The hopelessness in your post resonated with me. It seems this site is good at letting people get some very troubling issues off their chests. I hope you are able to find some peace at home. Maybe through regular counseling for both you and your wife?


    • Natalie says:

      as a child of divorce I want to tell you that “staying together for the kids” might not be the best approach. Kids notice more than you know. And what they see and learn now will be the foundation for their future relationships… what do you want them to learn about love/partnership/etc? I understand that this decision is based entirely on love for your children, but it COULD (not saying it definitely will) potentially do more long-term psychological harm than good. Take care, Scott! and good luck. Best wishes

  142. tia says:

    I’m reading these comments and feeling a little better about my current situation but at the same time i am still questioning if it is me or his illness that is to blame.
    We’ve been together for 18 years and have 4 children aged 6, 8, 10 and 12. I can’t remember how long he has been diagnosed with depression – years and years and probably years before he went to the doctors and was diagnosed. In fact i’m struggling to remember a time when he was happy and well.
    He takes medication but has been on the same dose for a very long time. He had counselling over the phone but this seemed largely ineffective. More recently he has become even more withdrawn; sex and effection is long gone but he now seems really distant too. He has no friends, barely sees his family and hates his job. Money problems and 2 challenging children have added to things.
    I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t want me and doesn’t want the children. He is snappy and intolerant of the kids to the point where i have to jump to defend them in order to protect their emotional walfare. He won’t acknowledge the depression is getting worse and won’t go back to the doctors. I just don’t think i can carry on. I try to speak to him about it but he turns the blame to me; apparently it’s my fault he’s like he is because i moan and am demanding. I’m starting to doubt myself.
    Part of me wants it over. I want him to leave but he won’t. I can’t leave as i have nowhere to go with the kids. The other part of me wants it to change and us all to be happy but i don’t know if this will ever be. And so i’m stuck…. in a loveless marriage with a man who i barely know and increasingly dislike. I can feel i myself may be on the edge but when i’m at work or (i was going to say ‘out’ but i too no longer have friends), i am fine. There is no answer. There is no end. There is no hope.

    • Melissa says:

      I feel very similar. Years together and I’m married to a stranger, a shell of the man in married. I miss him and can’t help him.

    • cynthia says:

      Tia, you are so not alone. In fact, when I read your post, I started crying—it sounds like my story. 18 years. He doesn’t participate in life. He withdrew from friends, dislikes his family, hates his job, has money problems, challenging children, shows no affection. I miss the man I married, and I feel helpless because I can’t get him to go for help. He’s angry and irritable and hates everything. I try to keep things stable and smooth for the kids’ sake, but now I’m starting blame myself, wondering if my patience and coping has enabled him to stay stuck. After this long, depression is almost the norm, he says this is “his lot in life” and there’s nothing he can do to change; I think he’s forgotten what joy feels like. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. Part of me wants to leave and get out from under the dark cloud, but the other part of me wants to help him—even though I haven’t seen “that” man for a long time, I know how wonderful he can be and I miss him. Sometimes I wonder if depression is contagious. It seeps in and not only affects him, but those of us who love him most. Tia, I’m sending heartfelt caring thoughts. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this too. Wishing you peace, and a solution. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not your fault. You deserve happiness.

  143. Chris says:

    The comments shared by many are very similar to the experiences I am having with my wife who has severe depression and anxiety. I’m told not to blame her but blame the disease and this was a real hard adjustment because there is so little resources and information to providing those like myself to how we can support those we love. We been together almost 30 years but married for 22 years and have 4 kids two of them being teenagers. It’s hard trying to keep them living a normal life and to be happy when we have to or struggle to making my wife and the kids mom happy. She has lost motivation to do anything and cutting down on her social skills only attention functions where it’s for our kids like school events.

    I still love her but am coming to terms knowing I am approaching 50 next year and she is 45 so does this mean coping with this disease for another 30-40 years? Going to be real tough but am always sticking into my mind it isn’t her fault it’s the disease – depression and anxiety that is to be blamed!

  144. Confused says:

    I am so thankful to have found this site.

    I’ll keep my story short and to the point. I met my fiancé about 3 years ago and everything has been so great up until about 6 weeks ago. Suddenly she seemed withdrawn and distant. I thought maybe I’m not being as attentive to her as I did. So I started doing things a lot more often like buying her flowers and surprising her with her favorite dinners and things like that. I noticed that she seemed to withdraw even more and finally asked flat out what was going on. She broke down crying and kept saying she didn’t know she was just numb. She really had no strong feelings about anything anymore including me. She just wants to sleep anytime she’s not working and she started drinking a lot more than she did. ( from 1-2 drinks per week to 2-3 per night) I ended up talking to her mother about it and she informed me that her mother had serious depression issues.
    This is extremely fresh the confrontation was 2 days ago. She has a doctors appointment in 2 days so I’m hoping that helps. I’m just so stressed about it and have only been thinking of her feelings and not my own. I realize a lot of you have delt with this for years and I can’t imagine the hell you have been through. I want to help and not make things worse. Sometimes I feel it would be easier for her if I let her leave me but I feel like I would be abondoning her if I did. I love her so much it kills me to think of her in pain.
    Sorry I said it would be short but I got carried away.
    Thanks for any advise folks

    • Exhausted says:

      Hello Confused, you are where I was about a month-and-a-half ago – the initial shock, the piercing, desperate need to help the depressed partner, to make it better, to get the real them back and take their pain away. But sadly we can’t, only they can.

      I think you have done everything you can so far, more than that – but remember it is most likely not that she has fallen out of love, or anything to do with you really, but that she can’t feel anything about anything, everything feels different. My boyfriend says he needs solitude and is trying to keep himself sane, even though he knows that shutting me out and his emotional unavailability hurts me. He is avoiding all confrontation, and all contact, refuses walks and chats, and someone I spent little time apart from now seems fine with 10 days of not seeing me. It’s not a relationship right now, yet we haven’t broken up. All was so wonderful just two months ago.

      All the time, through these gruelling past few weeks for me of analysing, agonising, telling him I love him and how he can fight this has exhausted me. He still hasn’t gone to the doctor and won’t let me in to support him. That you girlfriend has presumably gone it s great first step. I hope it has helped.

      for me, it has been a living hell and is affecting my health now and I am barely coping to fill my time when not at work. It is becoming harder by the day to separate him from the depression. I keep wanting chats, resolution, but you can’t reason with a depressed person, it is expecting too much. I know that it is his mental health first, relationship to follow. Which of course leaves me waiting and hoping for what will one day pass, but which could take months, even years. I truly believe that we are doomed to repeat what we don’t work through, so no doctor means no recovery and no secure relationship. A lifetime of this recurring is what I face, yet I still can’t let go until he has his reasoning back and starts to be decent towards me again. It is a confused mix of emotions – sorrow, sympathy, frustration, anger, hurt…

      All I can to anyone going through this is talk to friends, but remember they may be more black and white about things than you know it is, don’t read too much into texts and don’t look at Facebook if they are putting up a facade and carrying on as normal (on the surface) with everyone else. Their picking the one person they love to exclude shows they do feel for them, it’s just they can’t handle the scary emotional and physical changes that have hit them and a relationship right now. Everyone is different, and you can only help by reiterating that you are there for them. I have spent weeks being quite full on in getting him to see me, resulting in terse exchanges and lashing out via text. It is up to them to take proactive steps, but how long it will take depends on so many things.

      Diverting your attention away from the relationship where possible is so important. And take each day as it comes. It will get better, but much like my situation, there are no certainties about how that will happen.

      • cavewoman says:

        Hi Exhausted, I read ur story and that almost feels like Im the one writing it coz thats just the same with my fiance 🙁 I have no words to describe the pain im going through everyday for being a stranger to someone you love most. Its been more than 3months now and i dont know until when I can be strong and be patient. I sometimes wanna tell him I cant do this anymore and im going crazy but part of me wants to be more patient w him and give him the understanding he needs. Reading here makes me feel Im not alone on this ordeal, I dont know until when I can be patient but all I know is I love him and I just lift it all to God.

        • Exhausted says:

          So many of us are going through this pain, it is terrible. It has been two months and I need some joy back in my life. Patience is good and kind; but even if my BF does come out of this depression in 2 months’, a year’s time, what’s to stop it from happening again. I have never been so hurt, disappointed and felt so helpless by a situation in my entire life and I am slowly coming around to the fact that if I want a happy, relatively secure life with someone who lets me in to their problems, with whom I am a loving team through ups and downs, it doesn’t look like it can be him. It is devastating, but it is what it is now.

          I wish you so much luck and care, cavewoman. At all times look after yourself and know that life will be and should be better.

          • CC says:

            I feel exhausted too. My boyfriend of 3 years can’t accept my offer of unwavering support, and has not sought help from a doctor/therapist. His former place of employment also recommended it.
            He has withdrawn from me in the past and all the time I waited months at a time respecting his need for solitude but occasionally sending him encouraging emails, texts, calls. He never responded.
            But when he came back to me, we spoke of marriage and also how we would face adversity together. I thought we were doing well, facing challenges head on as he was unjustly terminated from his job in early July and was handling it well. But he started to withdraw from me about 2 weeks ago for a third time,prior to that the irritability set in. And after a very painful conversation, I told him that if we can’t support each other during a crisis (my father was hospitalized at this time, and my boyfriend wasn’t there for me) then we have nothing and I ultimately said goodbye to him. I did reach out to let him know that I am regretful and will always be here for him…but no response.

            I have been tormented for the past two weeks, I love him more than he will ever know and am seeking therapy for myself now. My friend’s and family have told me I made a healthy decision to leave him but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I never wanted to say goodbye to him…

      • cavewoman says:

        Hi CC,

        First of all hope ur dad is alright now. 🙂 You have to forgive yourself and let go. You tried and sacrifice already. Love is always sacrifice. You were there when he needed u most and I understand when u felt alone during the time u needed him. Dont feel too bad that hes gone sweetie coz if hes meant to be in ur life he will come back. For now take care of yourself and keep going. Sometimes a little break w everything and space helps u both to recover and start new. Im still trying to be supportive of my depressed fiance and most times I am on my own and I try not to be upset about it instead i use the time to take care of myself even more. Funny my friends compliments me that I look prettier and have that glow and prolly coz I have peace with myself and let God. Pray and he will guide u and be with u all through out. 🙂

  145. Jess says:

    I’m in the early stages of my partner having depression. I’ve known my partner for 3.5years been together nearly 2 all together.
    I always feel like I can’t do it, I can’t be brave anymore but every time I look at him I remember what it was like before and I hold on to that hope. But it has been maybe 5 months now and getting worse. He sees a doctor and counsellor weekly and now he’s on fluxoetine, it hasn’t worked yet have to wait another week to get into his system. Doctors are talking about possible sectioning. Depending how he progresses.
    But hes got worse he’s withdrawing, no kissing (only on the forehead sometimes), no hugs, no hand holding, no actual touching! It’s gone to a absolute minimum touch, minimum talk. He doesn’t want to do anything. I’ve seen him cry once and it was about his depression and that’s the only time I’ve ever seen him cry, ever.
    He seems normal when in social environments with friends or family, even me a little. Still no touching but he smiles a bit more and engages in conversation. But as soon as we’re alone or back home, it’s gone. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t talk. He just goes on his phone or goes on a walk to clear his head. He barely looks at me.
    He barely cooks or cleans it was some what 50/50 now it’s just me and he use to love cooking and cleaning he said its therapeutic for him. He leaves stuff everywhere now, he’s just slowly giving up. He tells me he is numb. He feels nothing for no one and no thing. Even our relationship, he doesn’t know whether he’s happy or sad in general, or whether it feels right or wrong, just nothing. He keeps telling me it’s going to get worse and he won’t make it, he doesn’t know what to make but he knows he doesn’t have much time left. It’s messing up my head. He recently told me he wants to die. He wanted to beg me to kill him. The look on his face was terrifying. He keeps feeling like that. He keeps wanting it to happen just to stop the pain and numbness. He thinks it’s best for him to move out for a while live at his dad’s or friends. He thinks he is hurting/upsetting everyone around him, even me. And it’s true he’s hurting me so much to see him like this I have lost my confidence, socialising, that feeling that you’re beautiful to your partner and other things. It’s just being destroyed.
    My work is being affected now, my sleep even eating. I know it sounds selfish but I’m doing my best, my best for him to not know the struggle, trying to make this easier for him. I’m working 2 jobs now to get by he works too but his money just keeps disappearing so I have to pay for food and etc. He’s lost 2 stone in a month he’s 5 pounds heavier then me nd 1 foot taller. He’s a skeleton I can see his ribs, spine even ligaments/muscle joints. I can’t eat in front of him, I’m losing my appetite cause he’ll say he’s not hungry or something and then there’s me munching away feeling like a fat ugly minger.
    I don’t know what to do anymore. Sex life is gone. Talking is near enough gone. The only proper time we talk in depth is when we’re just sat up in bed until god knows how long, telling me his feeling of death, pain and numbness feelings for me and everyone else. Don’t get me wrong I’m there for him no matter. I listen. I care. But it’s just getting too much.
    I don’t know if someone will response to this or even read it but thank you if you do read this. I feel lost. I feel very alone. And I hate think what’s in my partners head because it’s really scaring me. I feel there maybe a day that will come and he’ll just want to break up (which I’ve already accepted the possibility) but worse if he dies.
    I don’t know what to do.
    If anyone has anything they want to say.. tips or just talking?
    It would be very appreciated.

    • kim says:

      I just read your story now it just made me cry! Never responded on one of these sites but im also lost as to what im supposed to do my partner and i have been together 4 seven mths lots of love attention affection kisses texts longing…and now fast 4ward and same as you no talking nasty comments acting like he doesnt care or love me sex when he wants rejecting me when i do which i might add has never happened! I love him so much but he is pushing me away with his words and actions and non responsive to my clconcerns about us and lack of communication….i feel like he is pushing me away yet i know he loves me well i thought he did just really confused tbh..now he has to work 4 days a week from home as of today and i wont have him back here at our home till thursday nights and worried the time away will let him forget bout our love we had..it was only a week ago the guy wanted to marry me now it takes him a few mins to respond to do you still love me with a not so convincing yes! What 2 do??

    • harpreet says:

      hi jess,
      this is d first tym I m replying to s post but this is just coz u share d same story like mine. Even I feel helpless.My husband is numb. No sex, no talking, not even giving a glance to his 1 year old baby.He says he had very little tym.I do feel helpless .Dont know what to do how to hrlp him and how to help myself.He says u wil giv up on me one day .I feel like crying bt I cant cry infont of him odrwise he gets more depressed . I never want to leave him.I want him to live and I want to live with him.I dont knw whts dere in future for me but I really really feel helpless and all alone very alone.I have no tips for u just a small pray” May God bless u and ur loved one and help u both live a happy life”

      • Jess says:

        You both have a beautiful soul and don’t let this situation you’re dealing with make you forget that.
        I’m not a very good Catholic but I still have old habits. And hope can be a very powerful thing.
        There’s 2 prayers i think can help you a breather and give you sliht clarity and revavluate what is going on. Please look up The prayers: the serenity prayer and the footprints prayer. My dad would always tell me these when times got tough.
        my partner broke up with me. It was actually recommended by his doctors.
        Just to pay more attention to himself and not to have any distractions, I understand and have accepted it. It sucks but my happiness is mainly found in others happiness, especially his. We are broken but going with the flow. Awkwardly we live together but I’ve had time to think and I feel that if breaking up can help him, so be it. I hope he’ll find his way back to me, but if not at least I’ll still have my best friend and be happy.
        Both of you are strong. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel sad. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.
        Be honest to them. I found with my (confusing) partner that the main thing that upset him was everyone seemed to hide things. Instead of say it as it is. I’m not meaning tough love, I just mean tell them what you feel, you are struggling to understand but you’re trying, I find putting a positive after the negative is good. It shouldn’t unset them just make them aware. Of course you know your partners better than anyone, especially me. It’s just a thought.
        Thank you for replying.
        You are very brave and have warm hearts. Just one step at a time.
        Take a deep breath and go with the flow.

        • Jess says:

          Also look up what ‘Anhedonia’ is. It gave me a huge enlightenment i think it can help you too. It’s a medical/psychological chemical linked to depression.

  146. Cristina says:

    I had a depressing relationship when I was a teenager for about 12 years up until I was in my late 20s It was like my ex boyfriend and his whole in tire family was a drag. It was so awful. It detoryed the way I thought about life. I never knew how psychology actually worked. His whole family used that towards me because I was teenager and was into things. Anyways leaving that relationship was hard I almost thought I was stuck there forever. I finally moved back home my parents wanted to help me which I am thankful for. I allowed my exes and his family move ahead in life but did I? Or did they! Making me fall was there happiness there jealousy that came with that family made me fall hard to the point where I didn’t know where my life was going. I was scared of everything but had the courage to get back up because I have a wonderful family who is happy! I found someone new in my life and I’m in my 30s now. Everything is perfect but the fact I haven’t found the right career yet. I hoping that this will be the last step to perfection in my life. Depression sucks especially if you do not have the right family or people in your life. My new relationship is an awesome one. My thoughts to moving forward in this relationship is not be poor or house poor and always be happy. My family suppose is amazing and moving forward always a pleasure to a new beginning and a new story new book to read old book closed forever! Awesome to say. Remember never use your depression to detory someone else life. I hope these losers never interact or get in the way of my life again. My new life if anything goes wrong never lean back to the people who destroyed you and your thoughts. Everyone moves on that’s the secret about life.

  147. Hellen says:

    I am so happy to know that am not alone in this..my BF have been together for over a year now..our relationship hasn’t been that easy..he was engaged and called off the wedding to be with me..at that point he found out the fiancé was pregnant. ..a lot of family drama later..we ended up..we still have had a lot of obstacles. .the family hating my guts…the mother to his son constantly going to him for financial assistance because she has no job…In mid April..we came back from a beautiful weekend away for my birthday. ..and a couple of weeks later..I started noticing he wasnt himself. .I could pick up on a few things from him but ignored them…he would be very hurtful towards me when we had a disagreement. ..later on he told me he is going through some things. .he feels he is a bad father because he won’t grow up with his son in the same house…and his family will never accept me…so he doesn’t know how to live with that…and he hates himself. A.and sometimes me because of everything that has happened. . And feels suicidal I asked him to speak to psychologist. .but I don’t know if he will…I don’t know what else to do…I feel hopeless. ..whatever he is going through is affecting so much…I can’t even take care ofmyself cause I am constantly worrying about him..and wanting him to get better. ..

  148. iby says:

    So many stories, so many like my own.
    But what if you see no way ahead for your partner and yourself even though they are getting help and medication?
    How long is acceptable before you have had enough? You do after all only have one life.
    When the help and love is rebuffed and all that is left is indifference and criticism how long do you wait?
    Seven months for me now, almost as long as it was good when we met just over a year ago.
    Is it wrong to walk away?

    • J says:

      No, it is not wrong to walk away, illness although not your partners fault is not yours either and if you partner can not come to the logical conclusion that what’s happening is not only ruining his own life but yours, you should leave, there is nothing preventing the relationship getting back on tracks later on when he is well but relation ships can also have a negative impact of the ill person and maybe he also needs some breathing space.

  149. Jenn says:

    My husband and I have been together nearly 7 years we recently married in June ,have a house thoughts and have a 3 year old son life was really good so I thought .

    Back in December I noticed my husband wasn’t himself snappy and really run down with aches and pains in wrists and knees . I just put it down to his stressful job flu etc ,things started to get worse with his moods and he was very distant from me . So I confronted him about it . This was January . He said that he had been to the doctors about his wrists and also mentioned to him that he was feeling low and depressed .
    This was absolutely heartbreaking to hear but glad he opened up to me about things. I reassured my husband that I will be there to support him through this tough time .

    Now trying to process everything I later find out he had been messaging a work colleague with them both saying I love you too each other . Obviously I confronted him about it . He was sobbing apologising and told me he didn’t know what was wrong with him. He said that he had helped her through a tough time at work they became friends but it was just message nothing more . he also mentioned to the doctor that he wasn’t sure why he was feeling these things for this women and was ridden with guilt . But he felt he could open up to her about things because she was out of the family circle.
    I’m still trying to get over this and I can’t comprehend the things he had said to her as we are so newly married.

    Things have been really tense at home with his moods and his constant desire to leave because of the atmosphere.

    On the positive side he has signed up to counselling for 10 weeks as he recognises that things aren’t right . But on the first session he told me the counsellor said he not depressed he’s just lonely and unhappy !!! Would they really do that ?..this has left me totally confused and frustrated.

    He has also been back to the doctors and is now on anti depressants which he had been for six weeks i know they take a while to work so still holding out hope …..

    We are now in June just a few weeks until our first wedding anniversary so much has happened the last few months from sleeping in the spare room to give my husband space moving out to my parents with our son for weeks. He couldn’t attend a family wedding in Scotland as it was too much for him ( he even moved out to his mums 2 days before I left for the wedding ) whilst away he went down to Cornwall to clear his head . He was sending lots if loving texts. Yet when we returned from Scotland he was just the same hostile character he was before we left.

    I cannot believe the transition in him since our wedding. I feel like someone has kidnaped my loving , caring devoted husband and best friend and replaced him with a hostile irritable uncaring one.

    I do put his depression down to his stressful job which he can never switch off from he has tried to get out but been turned down so much for other jobs . it seems he just takes things out on the relationship which is silly as we were so happy together. He’s completely changed like a flick of a switch . Sometimes I wonder if he is depressed as He seems happy enough when he’s with others . or when we both are around others ( acts ‘normal’and engages with me )

    He says things which leave me in total shock too such as he can’t see us growing old together right now . And he has no feeling for me. He feels like he had changed as a person … Then days later he tells me he loves me ! it’s hard not to take this to heart .

    I’m very lucky to have friends and family to confide in they have been supportive but are now getting to the point where they want me to leave him and move on. … I just can’t yet despite everything I do believe he has depression even if he’s not sure himself . I know my old husband is in there somewhere .

    I’m trying to be so strong for my son and I to get us through this . He still is living at his mums currently but we do keep in contact about or son etc .we decided to do a trail separation but he still asks us to go for dinner with him and keeps in contact . Confusing ?! .

    I have started to see a counsellor myself I hope one day my husband will join me so we can work on our marriage even tho he’s so negative at the moment . But I’m going to try and take a step back emotionally and just be a support from the sidelines as living with us is too much for him right now ( easier said than done ) as I feel like I want to be with him contact him as I’m afraid he will get to comfortable at his mums :(it’s hard that I feel so many emotions all at once resentment , love , hope , sadness fear and the future so uncertain ,especially with our son starting school in September we are having to relocate his school under the current circumstances so we are closer to family just incase things don’t work ( even tho I want them too )…..

    He is doing all he can to get help so I’m just holding on to that. Hopefully we will come out the other side ( even tho it doesn’t seem like if now ) . I guess the burning question is … Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel ?? Xx

    • Jess says:

      You’re a very strong person.
      Very brave too.

      • Fed up says:

        I feel your pain my husband of 22 years changed overnight spent the last 7 months trying to get him to docs. He has questioned our marriage slept with a girl at work 21 years younger than him and rejected our family his daughter stepchildren and grandkids his behaviour has been cruel to the point of being evil towards me. He is now on anti depressants and trying to get his life back on track I’m finding it difficult to forgive him for what he has done. I don’t know where this will go in the future or if we have a future as like yourself I can’t let him treat me badly again I’m stronger now and although I know he is ill it’s his problem and not mine I have my life to live and at the moment I’m totally unhappy with it. It’s early days in his treatment so I will continue to support him but until he shows some remorse for what he has done take me and my family I cannot forgive him I’ll or not. If after 6 months of treatment he hasn’t shown any remorse I will leave the relationship and go my own way as i think by that time I will have invested too much of my life trying to get him back hope things improve with you

  150. Danielle says:

    My husband and I are both army veterans, and when he got back from Iraq, right before he got out of the army, his depression started. Our 2 years of marriage were hard and I was going through therapy for my own issues and always took my anger, insecurities, and frustration out on him. I didn’t know he was depressed until he attempted suicide after a fight we had. I kept going to therapy and I am doing much better but he seemed to get worse, and attempted suicide and talked about it whenever we fought. He is a strong man, and won’t talk about his feelings or depression with me. He has said that when he looks at me he sees all his failures and things he’s done wrong, and I know it’s because I was cold hearted and mean with the things I said years ago. I have apologized for those things but I can’t take them back, and I still blame myself for his depression. 8 months ago, his depression got so bad that its changed our whole relationship. He won’t touch me or kiss me or hold me, and he barely talks to me and is mean, he is mad at me all the time, and has said that he’s mad at me for everything I put him through years ago. He is so selfish now, he’s not the man I married at all, but I still love him so much. We have a one year old daughter and I’m 8 months pregnant with our son. I want to leave sometimes, but I’m so hopeful that one day we will be the way we used to be. We have always been best friends, and so close, no matter how low either of us got, we were always there for each other. Things are just so bad right now and it’s been going on for so long. I guess I don’t know if I should stick it out because this is out of his control as much as it is mine, or if I should leave. Either way hurts. I hate not knowing what to do.

    • Danielle says:

      *correction: our first two years of marriage were hard and I was going to counseling. We’ve been married for 5 1/2 years

  151. Carol says:

    I think I am going through this at the moment. My partner has emotionally withdrawn from me the past couple of weeks, which is odd because we just got back from an amazing holiday where everything seemed fine. After asking him what was bothering him multiple times (he won’t talk about things) I finally had enough and checked his messages to other people (not something I would normally do but I know he is more likely to open up to others via text or email). I found messages saying he doesn’t think he wants to get married (we are engaged) and that he doesn’t know what he wants but he might let me take the decision away from him by calling off the engagement. I asked him about it and he just shut down, wouldn’t commit to wanting to be with me or not, and then let slip that a couple of weeks ago he had stopped taking his meds, without any consultation with his doctor. He has suffered from depression for years and was recently granted a medical retirement from work and an injury pension because of it, but he has decided that he doesn’t think the pills help anyway so he’s stopped them. I love him more than anything and don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do to convince him he should take his tablets again. Do I stay and support him through this current dip, or do I leave to show him how serious I am about his health? I am in tears writing this and could really use some advice.

    • Dazy says:

      Trust me…. let him go. I’ve been married to the father of my children all of my adult life. He became depressed some time around the 7th year. We’ve battled it ever since. It only gets worse. Leave him now. His ambivalence will only get worse. I wouldn’t say that if he hadn’t quit taking the meds, but he did. He’d rather blame you for his depression than get the help he needs. Again, that won’t get better. He either owns it himself and works to fix it, or he can blame you. Seems to me like that’s an ethical issue more than a depressive issue. The only way to make him see it’s his depression and not your ‘fault’ is for you to not be there to blame. BTW, he’ll probably wise up and want you back once you leave, but don’t immediately take him back. Make sure this is a lifelong commitment to both you and his own mental healthcare, not a passing regret that you aren’t there anymore to compensate for his depression.

      • Carol says:

        You were right. We struggled along for another month after I posted that, but he still couldn’t tell me whether or not he wanted to be with me. Finally he told me he was going to go and stay with a friend for a month or so ‘to try and sort his head out’ and I finally had enough and told him I wasn’t willing to live in limbo anymore. I have now found myself a new home and am trying to rebuild my life and my self confidence. I know that he forced me into ending it to save him being the one to do it, but I absolutely know it is the right conclusion. I was completely drained and exhausted living with him, and now I can look to the future with hope that it will be happy. He on the other hand has found a new ‘caregiver’ (a friend, not a relationship) and is planning on moving in with him in the near future. I hope this friend has the strength to support him, and that he can help him where I obviously couldn’t.

      • Helen says:

        Dazy your reply really spoke to me. I’ve been married 22 years and my husband became depressed 4 years ago. When it was at its most severe he saw a psychiatrist who put him on meds but months later he took himself off. Fast forward 2 years and we are seeing a marriage Counselor (psychologist) who tells him he needs medication and therapy and that there is no point continuing marriage counselling when one person is unable to function in general let alone in a relationship. He goes on the meds, he takes himself off. We continued to live in that horrible limbo with no emotional or physical intimacy. Fast forward to today. After an emotional letter from me he decides to move out in order to “sort himself out” he has started seeing a psychologist every other week (less if it conflicts with work) and we just had our second session with a new marriage counsellor yesterday and it has triggered the deepest sense of despair I’ve allowed myself to feel in years. He sits there and wants to discuss how we can communicate better and I’m looking across at this stranger who is still so far from accepting his depression and getting proper treatment and I realized I couldn’t figure out why I would fight to keep a relationship with someone who’s depression has made them so utterly self focussed. It would be different if he was getting therapy but he thinks twice a month is all he needs. I’m pretty much out of hope here. My gut says I need to find the strength to walk away but my heart wishes things were different..

  152. Mouse says:

    I have been in a relationship with my BF (both in our 40’s) for the past year. The relationship has been brilliant up until a couple of weeks ago. We had both taken some leave from work to go on our first holiday together but hadn’t booked anything. A couple of days before our leave I spoke about booking somewhere but he said that he no longer wanted to go but had no real reasons why. He was the one that wanted to go on holiday and was really excited about it. I didn’t mention the holiday any further and things were still good. He then came to mine and appeared quite distant and just going through the motions of the evening. The first week of our leave I didn’t hear much from him, 1 or 2 texts a day which is unusually quiet for him and didn’t see him. I went to his to see what was wrong. He looked drawn, grey and distant and just said that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. It wasn’t me it was him, it was making him Ill and that he needed to sort his head out. He said that he had become selfish and that he was independent and would probably be a loner for the rest of his life. He said that he loved every minute of our relationship and that he had never felt the feelings he has for me. He still loves me and just needed time to sort his head out and to do that he had to end the relationship. He said that he was ill and that was the only way he could cope with it, he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong as nobody knew and a switch just went off in his head. My BF wanted to stay friends and hoped that once he was better we could possibly rekindle the relationship, however, that could be days, month or years. During our relationship I did find some medication for depression but I never mentioned that I found it.
    When he gave me the items I had left at his house back he gave back everything bar my toiletries which were with other things he gave back so didn’t just miss them …… Should I read anything into that? From reading about depression he is displaying the classic signs.
    I am gutted that the relationship is over as it was a total bolt out of the blue. I want to give him space but am so worried about him being on his own and battling this by himself. I did send a text saying that I thought I knew what he was suffering and that I’m here if he needs. I didn’t hear anything back, although it was only yesterday. We have been apart for 4 days now with no contact and it’s killing me. We both go back to work on Monday which I hope will get him back into a routine and help the healing process. I really don’t know what to do for the best…. Leave him be or send the odd text?
    The first few days of the breakup I was an emotional mess but have now made myself busy and although I am upset I am getting on with life and don’t want to be dragged into depression myself. Im no good to him if I am down too.
    I feel guilty for leaving him on his own and feel that I have abandoned him in his time of need. I also feel guilty that I would be dubious to enter back into a relationship with him in case this happens again ( knowing the signs and symptoms will now make it easier) but can I live with it?
    I feel that he doesn’t trust me as he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong with him. I love him dearly and he made me so happy and I looked forwards to a future with him.
    Are my feelings towards him normal?
    What is the best thing to do?
    Do people with depression who end relationships get back with the ones they love?

    Any advice, answers would be very much appreciated.

  153. Kelly says:

    My partner walked out of work and went to hotspots and told them he was suicidle they told him some people were coming out to our home every day. To speake to him I have 3 children and am worried they will take my partners deppression to keep him away from tg

  154. VeeJay says:

    Im so glad I found this site with people who have went or is going through the same thing I am going through right now. I knew for a few months now that my girlfriend has depression. I also went through it in the past, but somehow overcame from it. Not fully, but I can control it a whole lot better than I did years ago.

    Anyhow, it was just a few days ago our relationship changed in a blink of an eye. It hit me like a dagger was just shoved into my heart. I try to give her support, but she pushes me away and says she doesn’t want anyone to stand by her side. As the man I am who loves her unconditionally, can’t accept it. But from reading the article and a lot of the comments, I need to take a step back and slow my roll with the whole approach to the situation. I guess I just need to be there, but not show my concern and choose my words wisely to show that Im still there her emotionally without being too direct.

    It just hurts so much that the one thing we had as changed so dramatically. I really miss the old us, and the woman that was so full of joy.

    • MM says:

      My partner returned. There is hope. I was on this webpage like you are today two years ago. He came back after being away for 14 months. And he’s been back now a year and although it was a slow process, we are better than ever and so is he.

      My advice? Show up once every few weeks–a text, a call and continue to show you care. And take care of yourself. There’s very little you can do.

      • Flor says:


        My name is Flor and I’m going through the same. I have had problems in the past and I find it so hard not to fall and be just like him, but I don’t because he needs me not to. Right now I’m his only support or so I think, the problem is that he is distant with me but not to his colleagues, I understand that that’s something you do, I used to do it to, to fake I was okay, but it hurts me a lot to see that he is so different with me and I’m so scared. What we have is really important to me but I can only sense that he doesn’t love me anymore. About what you said to show up every few weeks and text, I don’t know if I can do it, I feel like that kind of distance will make us fall apart definitively, do you have any more advice to deal with someone you don’t live with? It would help me a lot.


    • Mike says:

      We’re all trying to find help sometimes we look in the wrong places. Love and light to you all X

  155. Marcus says:

    Wow it is so helpful to read other’s experiences and know that I’m not alone – because I’ve felt so very alone. I naively had the impression that depression was just someone feeling very sad with no motivation – I had no idea it manifested in such anger, being hyper critical, moodiness, attacks, blaming, etc. I wanted to share my experience in case it helps somebody else.

    My wife is an exceptional person, very intelligent, driven and with a forceful personality – she’s the kind of woman who goes after what she wants and usually gets it…or at least was. I’m by nature a pretty laid back “go with the flow” personality so in a lot of ways our partnership has been characterized by her naturally being the dominate partner. That, I think has made dealing with her depression (which I’ve only recently recognized) particularly difficult because I’ve been used to largely following her lead in a lot of ways. Her lead dried up and her being the dominant partner makes it really difficult to redirect her constant negativity.

    Last year things started getting pretty bad, and having now read up on depression after she was diagnosed it’s obvious what’s been happening – she’s just stopped being able to see good things. She’s become so consistently unhappy, and because she seems unable to see good things around her and I’m around her a lot she sees constant failure on my part without acknowledging the wins. Regardless of how I walk on eggshells she very regularly berates me as being selfish, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate, unreliable – and having any emotional reaction (as in tense body language) to this overwhelming amount of criticisms results in further attacks about me being oversensitive, defensive, failing to communicate appropriately, etc. Her behavior is not limited to me, she’s driven away most of her friends at this point because everyone constantly disappoints her and she is so angry all the time. She talks of suicide regularly, and has sporadically taken up self-harm because of self-loathing by bashing her head into the wall.

    She put an ultimatum on our 9 year relationship because she has just become so dissatisfied with my “lack of effort” – despite my fairly frantically trying everything I can to satisfy her and no (negative) changes in my behavior 9 years into the relationship. The ultimatum expires next month and I think she’s going to leave me because trying to satisfy her feels like trying to fill up a bottomless pit – couples counseling, communication exercises, dozens of self-help books, websites, hundreds of hours talking things out and she insist that she thought I cared enough to try harder. I feel like I can hardly even make plans with friends a few times a month because the backlash is that “all you care about is your social life”. I’m trying to take the advice to set boundaries and take care of myself, but it’s hard with her being such an assertive, dominant person. The most frustrating thing is that while nobody’s life is perfect we’ve got a really great life together – up until she stopped being able to see the good things and all the fallout from that. I feel like all she would have to do is actually see all the great things in front of her – including what had been a passionately awesome marriage. 🙁

    She’s coming down off of the latest anti-depressant she tried which was obviously not working for us, and is going to try a new one. It really is such a comfort now understanding how much of this is attributable to a real tangible disease rather than me constantly trying to figure out how I had stopped being able to do anything right. I’m trying everything I can to stay positive, but even now knowing and having immense sympathy that this is a disease we’re fighting – I get so ground down by the unrelenting negativity and criticism, as well as the constant fear wondering if this is the day I’m going to come home to find her body.

    • Elizabeth says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your situation really hits home for me. Things you said about your wife made me think I was actually writing it about my boyfriend. My boyfriend will not yet acknowledge his depression saying I am fully to blame for any of his unhappiness, for a while my mind got so warped that I actually felt like it was my fault when he got angry over the tinyest tasks. He constantly keeps a list of things in his head that he remains angry about and believes I should be able to read his mind and recognize these things. Filling up a bottomless pit is exactly how I would describe it. When I explain this to friends and family I feel they do not truly understand they just write him off as an asshole this is why it’s so nice to relate to someone. We broke up a few days ago and even in these short days from the outside looking back it was pretty ridiculous the level of miserableness I put up with, sitting in silence playing what I want to say over in my head so it doesn’t come out wrong. Thanks again there’s no advice I want to give or receive just knowing I am not alone is peace of mind for me.

      • Claire says:

        I’m in the situation with partner we have been together for a year we left our partners to together . We both have kids but he lives with me and mine . Great for a while but I see his depression takes hold of him he also gets angry over little things . He lives with a lot of guilt he has no money from his divorce which get him down . We love each over so much but he takes off when he can’t cope!! His family don’t know or don’t understand him . I aNg him back but he is telling me he needs time to get his head straight ! So do I just wait ??? I am so low myself but have to strong for everybody else .

    • Eric says:

      Hi, your story reads almost as mine does. I am married to my wife for 20 years and for 20 years I have been in this situation. We have three kids together one of which is a special needs boy of sixteen. I have been blamed for everything under the sun and the moon and quite frankly I am getting to the end of wanting this marriage to work. The major difference between our stories is that my wife does not acknowledge the fact she suffers from depression. She suffers from me, I think. Because pretty much everything is my fault except the good stuff. I feel embarrassed sometimes because I can’t sort this out. I feel we are back at square one every time her mood swings. She can’t see how truly blessed we are and this is really getting to me lately. I feel so damn lost and seriously can’t see a way out anymore. I am stuck. It has affected our children and this is bothering me to know that I am unable to change this situation. I need to stop because this is the first time I have put my thoughts and feelings for others to see. I’m grateful for the points mentioned in the article though.

    • Natalie says:

      I’m in the same boat Marcus. Do you want to share an update from what’s happened since April?

  156. Monica says:

    Hi there, first off you have no idea how reassuring it is to talk to people who are going through the same thing. Each and every one of you on here deserves huge respect in my book.

    My story isn’t that different from anyone else’s but I’m still looking for some advice. I’m with a guy for just under 6 months now, he revealed relatively early on that he had depression brought on by an unhaply childhood, the death of his mother and heavy recreational drug use in his youth (he’s 5 years my senior). I’ll admit I was moved (naively) by pity and the desire to fix everything, even though I know that’s not possible.

    At first everything was great – I loved him, I had never felt as intensely about anyone before. Full disclosure because I feel this is an honest and non judgmental group of people: I left my bf of almost 3 years for him because at the time i was abroad and felt that I needed someone who was there for me and this guy was when my bf at the time was not. I’m not proud of myself for doing so but I did it.

    So myself and this guy had a brief long distance relationship before he moved to the city where I live (he didn’t move there for me, it was part of his life plan that he made before we met). Since he moved here I have noticed a change in our relationship dynamic. As time goes on I feel myself getting pushed away by him and I am starting to feel less attached and attracted to him. I see the depression coming out in strange ways – argumentativeness, disrespect and not listening to me, false accusations, oversensitivity to things that shouldn’t matter, behaviour that is just plain weird and sometimes dangerous (one time he lit a deodorant can with a lighter in his room causing a splitsecond fireball and wondered why on earth I was so freaked out and upset), excessive teasing and slagging, etc etc.

    Last week I had had enough of his behaviour that was increasingly irritating, hurtful and disrespectful and sat him down to tell him how I felt. He listened disinterestedly to me, repeatedly asking if we were ‘done’ with our talk, and ended up telling me to **** off and walked out of the café. Despite being hurt and angry I listened to him when he called me afterwards and we talked and somewhat patched things up. I made my feelings clear that things would need to change between us if he wanted us to stay together. We ended up having another talk later that week where I basically smoothed everything over for the good of the relationship, even though I knew that there were things I had not said and without having ultimately resolved the problem.

    Since then I have done some more research on depression (I don’t know why I didn’t do it straight away when he told me, maybe I didn’t realise the gravity of the situation). Now I can be pretty sure that this behaviour is down to the depression and not a fundamental part of his personality, because I knew him to be a very caring and generous person before all this started happening. But this illness has already started coming between us – he is much less affectionate, I feel like I am bothering him when I try to initiate affection, I am often sexually frustrated due to his libido being all over the place and I cant even remember the last time we said ‘I love you’ to each other. He is a very difficult person to reason with when something is wrong – everything is somehow always my fault, he always manages to break me and I end up giving in to him. He leans heavily on alcohol to numb the pain of the migraines that he gets on a weekly basis, and when he has alcohol in him he acts even more bizarrely and lashes out.

    I am aware that he has an illness that needs treatment (in the past he has tried both meds and counselling, neither of which appeared to make any difference to him), and also of his situation – he is in a new country, with no friends and no family to support him (his family is estranged from him), no job, no college course, nothing. I do take these things into consideration but they are still not an excuse for the way he acts sometimes. I am not sure if I want to continue a relationship like this where I must always walk on eggshells and rise above the bait he throws at me on a regular basis, but I don’t want to leave him in his current situation because (and he has partially admitted this) I am pretty much the only thing he has here. I know that I loved him once and that there are sides of him that I am attracted to when I do (rarely) see them. I have done everything for him – kept his possessions safe in my house, kept his money safe in my bank account, found him a place to live with a friend of mine and so many countless other small things. Yet very often he moans that he doesn’t like it here and that he might return to where he was living before. I know his situation is difficult but it just feels like ungratefulness when i have done so much for him. He even said that the problematic behaviour was due in part to unconsciously wanting to push me away so that if and when he did leave it would be ‘easier’.

    Sometimes I can’t help but feel that I made a mistake leaving my bf 6 months ago for this guy. I have been unhappy in the relationship for a few weeks and realistically I don’t know if I can get things back to where they were before when everything was great between us. I am longing for the ‘normal’ relationship I had with the man who is now my ex – ie. a caring, tender, profoundly loving relationship. But I don’t see that happening with this guy. I want to help him and be there for him, but he refuses any suggestions I offer him, telling me is not a ‘charity case’. I simply don’t know if I am ready for a long term relationship with him being the way he is, as I am still in my early 20s, but I also don’t want to leave him when he is in a vulnerable position like this.

    Any suggestions or thoughts would be most welcome. X

    • VeeJay says:

      Your experience, thoughts, and feelings are almost identical to mine. Im really stuck on words to give any type of advice when my episode with this freshly new. I’ve been online all night surfing the web for advice and a direction to go. But all came to fail, until I found this site.

      I would like to know if you changed your approach to trying to mend things with him. If so, how did you do it and how has it helped? Your situation is so like mine that I can totally relate, that I would love to take any advice you have on saving this relationship with my girlfriend, who has acted/ing the same way your boyfriend is/has.

    • Raysea says:

      Your story is exactly similar to what I’m going through with my partner. After moving to another state it’s been very difficult for him to find a job or reconnect with his former friends(he was born and raised here), and we’re pretty much living paycheck to paycheck from my job while he’s locked up in our apartment dealing with his illness. I’ve been realizing a lot of traits from him that are scary, and I know a lot of them stem from his depression but I don’t know how long I can take it or even if I honestly care about him anymore. I have found myself wishing he just go away and leave me breathe so I can live a normal life, and the only reason I don’t act on it is because I know he has nowhere or no one to go to. I’m aware a lot of my emotions are very selfish, and I know he loves me but I constantly question my feelings for him, and how better(or more fitting to my persona) my life would be without him…

      • Carrie says:

        It feels so good to know I’m not alone. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I’ve always known that he had a bit of depression and anxiety. He also has a disability that had him addicted to prescription painkillers. Through the years I supported him in all ways possible through his addiction to the painkillers and getting off of them- not once, but twice, his spotty employment, the death of his mother, and numerous legal battles. I’ve been there through it all – for better or worse – and paid for most of it.

        We have lived together for a few years now and just had a baby. Since the third trimester of my pregnancy, I could see him withdrawing. First it was physically, then emotionally. Then he lost his job and was home all day while I was big as a house and preparing for having our baby. Our child is now 6 weeks old and they have been the loneliest weeks of my life. My boyfriend continues to get deeper into his hole. As if it’s not hard enough to be caring for a newborn while healing from labor, now I have to try to save our relationship.

        It started out with him lacking motivation to do things like bond with our child. Then violent outbursts – never at me or our child or in the same room as us – but my kitchen glasses are taking a major hit these days. And now he’s becoming emotionally abusive. He’s admitted to saying things to intentionally hurt me because “I’m such a controlling b!tch”. What would i say to my child if they were with a partner that said the horrible things that he says to me? I would tell them to leave. But I recognize that my boyfriend has depression so I plow through the abuse and try not to engage with him because I don’t want my family to implode just 6 weeks after this precious child came into our world.

        He blames me for everything and constantly accuses me of ruining his day or starting fights. Even when he acknowledges his behavior is out of line, it’s with the caveat that I provoked him or started it. Some days my very breath provokes him. I can ask him to take out the garbage (because I’m still on disability and can’t lift things yet), and he loses it on me. I’m tired of being held to an impossible standard. When I do have human moments and finally respond when he’s been relentlessly going for my jugular, he holds it against me forever . And Lord help me if I apologize for my actions because he holds it over my head like some kind of trophy. He never owns his part in these conflicts.

        Last night he told me that he hates me. When I tried to talk with him and get to the bottom of what’s really going on, he told me I’m just a Nazi who controls everything and wants to ruin his life. This, mind you, while I take care of all household finances, care for our newborn, and make sure his legal matters are managed. He told me he didn’t care about how his actions made me feel and he wasn’t willing to talk about what both of us could do to make things better. Instead, he told me that if I didn’t “get in line” he was going to leave me. He always threatens to leave. Like another person mentioned, this is his way of testing me. The thing is, after such emotional abuse, I was tempted to pull out a box and help him start packing last night. The only thing that stopped me was our child – this baby deserves 2 parents in her life, not just one. If he leaves, he won’t try to be in our life consistently, I already know this from watching him with other family relationships.

        I walk through my days wondering if he’d even be here with us if he was financially self-sufficient. I don’t worry about him leaving because he has nowhere to go – he’s run off most of his friends and his only brother is also distancing himself from him. But what kind of life is that for me? To be responsible for everything in our relationship and for our family – and to not have a partner capable of walking beside you. My “partner” throws daggers and grenades at me instead, then acts victorious when he finally gets me weak enough to lash back at him. Then, the next day he comes up to me, suggests we hit “reset” and start over. How does one just hit reset after all of the emotional abuse they’ve endured? How do you respond to that question without provoking him worse? When do my feelings and reactions actually get to be considered?

        This is a long post and I apologize for that. This is the first time that I’ve put my experience to words. I already feel better talking to people who are in the same situation as me. This isn’t something you can talk about with friends or family because they would all tell me to leave, or judge him for his harsh treatment of me. Any advice you have for a new mother trying to navigate these minefields is appreciated.

    • Claire says:

      I left my husband of 20 years to be with my partner . At the time I didn’t know he was depressed he hid it well . When we moved in together with my kids I noticed a difference from the nights staying in hotel rooms . I love him but he too drinks and finds sleeping difficult , which is s problem because I want us to go to bed together . We argue over little things . He doesn’t like talking about his depression I often print stuff off and put it front of him to read . I want to help him but he keeps leaving me with little contact . He says he needs time .? Regrets ? No as long as we can get through this and he get help as I love him .

    • Margaret says:


  157. Andrew says:

    My ex girlfriend of only 1 year just over a short amount of time got very distant stopped hanging around with me started ignoring me changed social circles started ignoring her own friends , then when we broke up she said she needed space and that we will get back together in a few months and that we’d still talk , she goes out a lot but is still ignoring her original friends and keeps changing social circles , is this normal or is she just ignoring me for the last 3 months beacause she doesn’t want me in her life anymore , before this the relationship was never better we talked about the future we saw each other once or twice a week couldn’t have been going better , any advice ?
    Andre w

  158. Worried partner says:

    My partner of 4 and a half years has bouts of debilitating moods that look like internalised anger, where he can’t seem to vocalise what is going on – the only thing he can do is disappear and walk in nature for hours and hours to ‘burn it off’. It happens probably once every two/three months. During these times I am sitting at home getting worried, feeling sad and crying because the frustration takes over. When he comes home he is apologetic, says things like “I don’t know why you put up with me”, or “there’s a place in heaven for you for putting up with me”, he will then cry and we spend hours teasing out what is going on in his mind. He has a history of self harm, anxiety and depression, this was especially bad when he lost his parents nearly a decade ago. He has not harmed in over a decade, gave up smoking a year ago, and has pretty much stopped drinking alcohol. He does not take any medication now. Mostly he is stable and has changed so much for the better since we met (this happened more frequently at the beginning of our relationship), but I still feel awful when it happens despite trying different methods of coping during these times. We have gone through a lot of change in the past few years, moved in together, and we both went back to college, I am now working and he is studying. These moods happen when change is afoot or if a social event is about to take place. He suffers from incredibly strong social anxiety in ‘party’ situations, though day to day he is a confident man. We are the best of friends, make each other laugh a lot, and love each