Depressed partners walk out and leave behind a lot of emotional wreckage. Whether the ending is explosive, grieving or compassionate, its impact is life-changing.
As the abandoned partner, you have to put your life back together, and it can take years to do it. There are a lot of obstacles to get around, however, before you can start. One of the worst can happen if your partner makes you responsible for the decision to separate.
Intentionally or not, they can waffle along, flipping back and forth from a fierce resolve to get away from you to tender remorse at the very thought of going. Or they might blame everything on you, claiming they’re the victims, and you’re the one who’s driving them away.
Whether passive or aggressive, they avoid making the big decisions on their own. Eventually, they wear you down until you’re forced to consider ending the relationship in order to save yourself. Having to take the step you’ve never wanted only adds to the anguish – and possibly depression – you’re already living with.
From what I’ve been through and and have found in hundreds of online postings, the intense feelings of abandonment don’t hold still. They rocket all over – confusion, hurt, anger, resignation, depression. That inner storming makes it all the harder to know what to do. Most of the time, the first impulse is to undo what’s happening by trying something – anything – to bring your partner back.
When you realize that it’s not going to happen no matter what you try, it’s time to work on your own recovery. You’ve lost a lot.
By leaving, your partner has not only knocked out a big part of your life but also taken away the sense of predictability you used to have. Adding to the hurt, likely mixed with a lot of anger, is the fact that they are still with you.
They may be physically gone, but they’re everywhere in vivid memories. Some of those bring back the worst times, some the best – the ones you long to have back.
All the memories keep the relationship alive and make it harder to think clearly about who you are, what you can do to heal and how you can put your life back together. As I found out, that can take years.
Long before I married, I had an intense relationship that ended when my partner left to live with another man. I couldn’t handle the loss at all. She was not depressed or angry but compassionate and concerned, knowing full well, however, that getting myself back on track was up to me alone.
For years, I could not let go the intensity of the feeling I knew we had shared. I held onto one groundless hope after another. It was terrible, but falling apart forced me into treatment. Then I finally recognized that I had been deeply depressed for much of my life and that my behavior had contributed to the break-up. That was the way I began to heal. Treatment was the turning point, but the rest – I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
What can you do to begin to heal? It’s never easy, and there’s no straight path to get there. But there are a lot of helpful examples of how individuals have managed to get started. Many tell a similar story about finally shifting their attention away from what’s happening to their ex to what they need for themselves.
Here are a few of the ways people have handled the loss, and how they changed their attitudes about themselves. I’m adapting words from comments posted on Storied Mind and the Depression Fallout Forum. The Forum is an important resource that’s been on line for more than ten years.
Anne Sheffield started it and later wrote a a book of the same name
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I’ve changed my attitude about finalizing divorce. I stopped thinking of it as such a sad day where I was ending a beautiful, loving past. I thought about it as a beginning of an exciting future. I feel now that the best thing for me is to get this toxic person out of my life forever. This is all I can do for myself. Life is too painful otherwise.
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I love the person he was but the person who abused me for years did so much damage that it has changed my view of him forever. The divorce process is very painful, but the pain ends – life with a depressive who won’t seek help is a life sentence of pain and hurt. I decided not to let divorce make me feel like a victim.
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I’ve slowly come to realize that I can’t change her. After all this pain, I need to get away just as much as she does! It’s not easy, but does seem to be getting easier each day. Perhaps divorce will bring some closure.
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So, I’m in the final stages of divorce. Somehow, he believes that I deserve this. He said it’s my fault he left and I should have recognized his unhappiness from signs he gave me. I’ve accepted that he’ll never see anything from my perspective. So I’ve become business-like to handle the logistics of divorce. I understand that my marriage is over and can no longer find the person I married. To honor the love we did have, I want to show compassion, but I’ve given up hoping that anything I do can change what he’s become.
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I’ve gotten help from a professional. It wasn’t childhood problems. It was the shock of divorce I had to work through with the help of a therapist. This work has helped but I’ve had to find my own strategies for coping. I try to live with those strategies every day of ruminating about what I’ve lost. It’s not easy because I have my own depression to deal with, but it’s worth it.
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I’m trying as best I can to get on with my own life and do things for me. while still giving him his space, staying in light casual contact, and making sure he knows I’m there if he needs to talk. I hope this is the right thing to do. I just feel so bad for never noticing, until now, what a bad state he was in mentally.
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I’ve been helped so much by others who know what this is like. I still can’t bear to think that this relationship is over, but I’ve realized that I cannot help him if he does not want to help himself. As long as he fantasizes about his new life, he won’t do anything about his depression.
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I hope that once the divorce is final I’ll be able to heal and move on. I feel like it’s one big tragic mistake. All that love has been torn up and thrown away. But it’s not my choice and I can not change someone who doesn’t admit to depression or want to change.
The biggest change is within, when attitudes about their ex-partners and about themselves started to change. Sometimes the change happens entirely through an inner struggle. Sometimes it’s helped or triggered by taking an action of some kind, whether divorce, getting treatment, completing a ritual of mourning and letting go, or opening up to others who are going through the same thing.
If you’ve gone through a break-up, what helped you start to heal? Or are you in the midst of it now and not sure what to do? I hope it helps to hear what others have been through.
Image by Katie Tegtmeyer at Flickr
Hi everyone,
I’m going through a really tough time dealing with my break up with my wife (girlfriend), We started dating back in high school when she was only 16 and I was 17. We have been together for almost five years we are both 21 now. Our relationship has been a roller coaster as we have battle financial problems ever since we met. We were homeless together at the age of 17. My parents left me at 18 because they had problems and moved to Seattle, Washington. I didn’t have anybody here in California except for one uncle, I stayed with him for a while but I decided to move with my girlfriend because she was my everything. At the time she was battling depression because of the financial situation, she didn’t have any emotional support except for me I was with her every step of the way, I took care of her in every way possible even though I was not sure what was going on I was only 18 at the time. I grew frustrated because of her depression, I wanted to feel young and live life. She was seeking medical help and was under anti-depressant for a year which really helped her but she became pedant on them. After a while I had lost love for her, because she was depressed most of the time. I wanted to end things but I was just not able to. I was not able to see a love one suffer alone. I stood by her because I loved the person that she was. When she was trying to cut her anti-depressants she had suicidal tendencies that it got to the point where she was hospitalized and put on suicidal watch. Again i was really unhappy about the situation it had really taken a toll on me, I was working and going to school at the same time dealing with a depressed partner but I was not going to give up on her.
Two years had passed by and she was getting better, I committed the worst i cheated on her one drunk night with a stranger and I told her. She accepted it and told me she would always love me no matter what. I grew depressed and distant because I had never had a one night stand with a stranger I thought I had caught HIV I was depressed for months I was 19 at this time with no parents or family help me I was dealing with it on my own. Again we were having financial issues which led us to get evicted from the place, but we were never going to give up I had still a full-time job and I was going to school always supporting my dove (That was what we used to call each other). I was always supporting her in her school and job failures. Her mom did not cared about anything that she did, her sister even told her that she wasn’t meant for college. I was the only one that did not ever gave up on her. So after the eviction we decided to get our own apt, but I had lost so much love for her that I did not know what I was doing I was just going with the flow. During the time we got the apt she had quit her job because it was too stressful, she put us in a bad situation which I had to pay for all of our expenses. She helped by getting a student loan and buying little things for our place. I grew frustrated with money problems never having enough food to eat. It was really bad to make it even worst I was working graveyard shift which pushed us apart even more. In dec. 2015 we decided to get married but I had already told her that i was not ready to get married, I felt that i still needed to grow as man before taking this huge step, she wanted to get married and implied that if we didn’t get married she would never get married with me. So I decided to do because I loved her and I actually saw a future together. She bought her own ring and payed for the fee at the court. After marriage its when everything was falling apart, she had found a great job making more money than I was, and she was feeling a lot better this time around she was paying all her debts making more friends at work, and was being influenced by her new “friends”. I grew extremely depressed throughout this time because I was working so much, going to school full-time. I grew lonely due to my job, I because resentful and I neglected her. I became cold and distant which led her to one day to text me that she wanted time apart. I was extremely upset because we had just gotten married two months ago, and she no longer wanted to be with me I told her some things I should have never said which hurt her a lot. She broke it off with me.
I begged her to just give me one more chance I told her how i was feeling. I told her I would change for her. She was still hurt and one day I was using her laptop and I saw that she was texting other guys to come to the apt to have sex with her while we were still sleeping together every night. She told me she only did it to try to get over what I had told her, but it still hurt me so much that she would do that. My self-steam depleted dramatically, but I was still able to look past that. She told me did not do anything with the guy, and also that her “friends” and sisters had influenced her to do that… We got back together and we tried to worked things out, but i grew more depressed than ever I felt that I had given her so much of myself that I had completely lost myself in the process of giving her everything I could possibly had to offer. On july of 2016 I decided to quit my job and I found a better job making more money, I felt that things were changing for the better, but again one night she told that she wanted space to find herself.. I told her that I had just found a better job, that things were going to change for the better, but who was I kidding. I had nothing to offer her, i had lost myself and everything that I was. Honestly I did not loved her anymore, how could i loved someone when I did not loved myself. throughout this period she said it was over, she was going to keep the apt and I was to look for a place to stay. This was killing me little by little, I started to abuse drugs such as her anti anxiety pills, and started doing Ecstasy every now and then I grew suicidal tendencies. The relationship and everything around me was killing me slowly. I tried going out with a few friends and do drugs just to feel alive but it was not helping me because I wanted to experience things with her. I became somewhat emotionally dependent on her… One night we had a huge argument where I was depressed that I told her I was going to kill myself . I know this is a type of emotional abuse, I know it and I see it now. She stayed with me because she wanted to help me but I needed professional help. Two months had passed and one day I just lost myself completely due to a small argument we had I couldn’t take it anymore. I sought for professional help right away. Once I did I started to feel much better thinking things were going to the right track, but then she told me was not going to be able to come back from the situation. She broke it off with me telling me that she did not see a future together and that I depended too much on her emotionally. I do agree with her but at the same time I don’t. I did hurt her a lot. She was the sweetest girl I have ever met, most loving, and that cared more for people than herself. That day that we broke up I drove to Seattle with parents in the mean time she had literally blocked me from her life meaning, she blocked me from social media, my phone number, you name it. I tried to contact her through email telling her that I did not wanted to get back together that I would like to have her as my friend because she has meant so much to me she implied that she did not wanted to do anything with me because of what I have put her through and to never contact her ever again, and if i ever got close to her that she will put a restraining order on me. I was shocked at her reaction but how can i blame her. I came back to california right now to finish school so i can transfer to washington state, but I’m homeless here sleeping in my car for a few weeks now, I do feel much better being alone. I have met some cool people along the way and one of my good friends has showed me that he cares about me like a brother. I hope that one day my dove and I will be able to speak to each other once again but at the same time I don’t want to get my hopes up. I felt that I lost somebody so meaningful but I’m focusing on myself now, I feel that I truly show what I am capable of. This has been my story at just only 21 years old. I hope everyone makes it. Time is your best friend.
Hello,
First of all i want to say im so glad I found this page with everybody stories, i can relate to them so much!!
I have just recently just broke up with my girlfriend who i was with for almost a year. I am 22 years old and my ex is 19 years old. We met in college and instantly I fell in love. Early on in the relationship she kept telling me i would get bored of her and i would leave. She told me that she had secrets that i could never find out! Obviously i was very curious what the secret was because i really cared for her. After time of me questioning her she opened up slightly and told me she suffered from depression & anxiety but that was all i got. I didnt’t quite understand the extent of how bad it was until further into the relationship…
It was only until about 3 months into the relationship that i found out she had been self harming. Every time we got close to making love she would stop me from doing anything to her, any time i got close she would freak out and stop me. This caused a few arguments over time but i just accepted that she wasent ready for sex. One time i was rubbing her leg and i felt some scabs right in her inner thigh, she was so comfortable she didnt realise i was feeling them. Instantly it came into my mind that she had been self harming. I was shocked but not 100 per cent sure it was so i didnt say anything to her then. After she left it was constantly on my mind, wether i was overthinking or it was actually true. After a few days passed i couldn’t take it, i had to confront her and ask because it was eating me up. I confronted her and she admitted she had been cutting herself. I literally begged her to promise me she wouldn’t do it again but she wouldnt agree but she did agree if i asked in the future she would be honest if she had or not. I asked if her parents knew, she said that years ago it was alot worse and this was the first time she done it in months. Her parents were aware in the past and got her counciling but they thought as she got older that she stopped doing it. This left me in an awkward position because i was the only person who knew she been hurting herself, i felt so sad that she feels the need to do this instead of just opening up and talking with someone. In a way i sympthasized with her but i couldn’t quite understand it.
She blamed alot of her depression on her ex who she had been with for five years who had cheated on her and kept it hidden and it was only until the end of her relationship she found it all out. After meeting me she said that i saved her because before i came along she was in a deep, dark place. She thought that she would always be alone and nobody would stay with her because of her mental illness. I kept promising her that i would always be there for her no matter what.
Six months in we finally had sex for the first time and it was great. We were closer than ever, she let her barriers down and she told me stories in her past that she hasnt told anyone, not even her parents. It felt so good knowing that i was bringing happiness into her life and that she could trust me and that we could talk. She did have her bad days but i told her to tell me so i was aware to give her space. One day we went out on a day trip with a friend of mine and his girlfriend but she was having a bad day and it made it awkward. Whatever I said to try and cheer her up she would bite and shoot me down in flames. I tried multple times to try and lighten the mood by making jokes but there was nothing. We ended up arguing seriously for the first time but after a few hours when she came around we made up.
The summer term arrivied and a few weeks into it she got a job as a shop assistant and she passed her driving test. She started making new friends at work and she started pretty much working full time and most shifts were unsociable hours e’g 4pm until midnight! This started causing a strain on our relationship because communication started to distant, we used to talk every day but conversations started to get boring. It was the same questions almost every day, how was work? Was it busy? I fell very ill so we couldnt see each other for like a week because of her working and i didnt want her to catch it. Conversations started to become mininal and what we once had started to fade. I got better and started asking when is she free to come over and see me? She would tell me she was busy working and couldnt see me until monday (it was thursday we was having this conversation) Obviously i felt like she was distanting herself from me because she couldnt even make time to come see me during the day. Two weeks passed and it felt like i didnt even know her any more. It seemed like forced conversations and that i was begging for her time, her responses started to become blunter. I opened up and said it doesn’t even feel like were together any more and she kind of agreed. I suggested what should we do? And she said its only going to get worse. From that response I felt like she had given up on us after everything. So i said we have no choice but to be friends then. We promised we would stay friends forever. The first few days were suprisingly not too bad, I came to terms that she was busy and we agreed to meet up and talk when she was free to discuss where we was at.
Even though we was not together we were still talking every day and i thought we could rebuild our relationship. I kept asking what day can we meet up and she kept telling me she was busy with work and making excuses. I felt so hurt, I was thinking to myself why cant she come meet me face to face and talk it through to try and make it work again but she wouldnt. After a few times i got frustrated and asked how the hell can you be so cold with me after everything we have been through. All i would get is blunt answers, she told me the best option is to move on and that she doesnt need anyone to be there for her and she can deal with her problems alone. I started getting paranoid and asked if she met someone else but she sworn that she hasnt and im overthinking everything, she just said its wrong timing for us. She also said that she would end up fucking it up even more so its best for me to move on. After being so close and open she has now closed all her barriers with me and treats me like a nobody, i always feel myself trying to create conversation with her to show i still care. I told her i love her and im always here but she is replies with a sad face emoji or stop it because its making it harder:/ I asked if she still has feelings for me and she replied with im not that heartless. Its only now after almost two weeks of not being together ive decided to stop messaging her every day because the conversations seem so forced with her being in a depressive state. Days go by and we have a brief conversation asking about her day and what shes been up to but thats it. Ive gave up asking her when can we meet up and talk about everything. She keeps telling me that she will when shes not busy. All i can do is wait and hopefully one day soon she will message me and be ready to talk but i can’t see that happening as days go by without us talking. I really hope it can happen sooner rather than later so i can get some answers on why she has given up on us after we were so close. It feels like she is dragging it out until we meet so shes completley over me and i can give her stuff back without having the heart felt conversation. I might be overthinking everything, she did say i was overthinking the whole situation so who knows. I guess time will tell but for now im trying to stay strong! I really hope we can rebuild our relationship…
Wow Steve, I feel your pain. It’s been 4 months since my girl left me. She left me for nothing more than anxiety. A week after that she was hanging out with me at work 3 – 4 times per day and then all of a sudden she stopped. After 2 days I e-mailed her asking if everything was OK and she replied right away saying she has a boyfriend and is busy. That was honestly a knife to the chest. After that we would “run’ into each other occasionally smoking on break. Well she knows where I smoked 100% of the time so if she didn’t want to see me she would’ve avoided that area. When we would “run” into each other she would come up and talk to me like old times no problem. Smiling and laughing. Then one week one of her co workers saw me and I had a hickey. She told me she was going to tell my ex and I told her go ahead, I didn’t care anymore. Well the very next day she made an excuse to chat with me work related and then brought the hickey up. You could tell she was upset. Then the following weekend I sent her an e-mail because I didn’t want there to be any hard feelings between us. I told her congratulations on her new job and reminded her I’m there for her and only a phone call away. Well she replied “Thanks. I don’t think your girlfriend would appreciate this at all” I replied to her letting her know I don’t have a girlfriend and basically reminding her I have always been there for her and her son and just want her to be happy. Low and behold I “ran” into her outside smoking on break for the first time in over 2 weeks. We talked, smiled and laughed and just enjoyed hanging out with each other. Then the next day on the 31st of Aug was her last day working for the same company as me and we hung out 4 times that day really enjoying each others company. She even told her co worker she saw me 4 times that day and she would almost never bring me up. Her co worker told her “You will never find another guy that will treat you as well as he does” She replied “I know”. She didn’t defend her decision to not be with me like I know she has in the past. Since then I haven’t heard a peep from her. I’ve texted her asking how her first week was of her new job and I e-mailed her a week after that telling her I hope everything is going great with your new job. miss you. Still nothing. I honestly don’t know what’s going on in her head but I know she is struggling. A little more proof of that is she posted a slutty pic on facebook and that is so not her. My therapist thinks she seems manic right now. Only time will tell but I’m coming to the realization I’ll never hear from her again. It is so weird how we spent a good hour and half to two hours hanging out over her last 2 days at work after not seeing her in over 2 weeks to now her completely blowing me off. She has stated we are friends, so what’s the problem. I may never know. But I know she is sick right now. I do miss her. When they are healthy they are the kindest most sincere people to be with. But when they aren’t well it is a major roller coaster. Stay strong Steve. It is hard but we have to.
Hi Adam,
I feel your pain. I’m in the same position now as you. After 3 years we broke up 3 months ago his choice and now its been 2 months of him stonewalling me at work and cutting me out of his life. We still work together and he left me for someone else we work with (who has a partner and still does), in a cruel and unwarranted manor of a text and unfriending on Facebook. She had been texting him from after work up until midnight and then first thing in the morning just about every day for a year prior to this and he couldn’t see a problem in it. This lady is advising him to cut me out, ignore me at work and to seperate our children (both him and I have a child each from previous relationships), while she has been sleeping with him. He did something silly last Christmas and just about died, following this he wrote off part of his immediate family. I got him into psychiatric help (he’s a known diagnosised bipolar), he was doing well but throw that all aside for her advice instead. To this day he still doesn’t talk to the immediate family members he discarded in December so I can’t see any hope for me. I would be interested to know if she contacts you again and how it goes 🙂
Hi Rach,
Well it has been 5 weeks since I’ve seen or heard from her now and it is actually good in a way. It has made it to where I can finally start dating again. I still think about her everyday but its not as bad as it was. I learned she is dating someone new now. But what I do know is she will eventually push him away like she did me and everybody else she’s been with. (That’s if he doesn’t run first). The crazy thing is, is I know she broke up with me completely over anxiety. She has told me over and over she is afraid of her own feelings. And I honestly think the only reason she is dating somebody new is to get her mind off of me. If I ever hear from her again I will be completely surprised. Unfortunately Rach it seems as if it is time for us both to move on. I know it is hard to do so when you love somebody so much, but we have to remember we did everything in our power for them. We didn’t fail. I wish I could see into my ex’s mind and know exactly how she’s feeling and understand everything she is going through, but I know that will never happen. If I hear anything from her I’ll be sure to post. Take care Rach.
Hi! My girlfriend of 10 years told me 3 weeks ago she needed “space”. We own a home together so she hasnt left. She has GAD, doesn’t take meds, and is completely consumed by her job. We were in a great place and loving relationship until about a month and a half ago. Then her job started to get more and more demanding. She was pushing me away and snapping at me for little things. She stayed blaming me for things i hadn’t done. She was and is constantly preoccupied thinking of stuff she may have forgotten to do. She also cannot sleep. Now she says she wants to be alone. There is no one else and while i have been talking to a counselor for things i can work on to support her, she refuses counseling. Is it her pride or cloudy view of life? Not sure. She doesnt or cant see that we are great, even now. A great team, get along, and she says she still loves me but wants to be alone.
I don’t know how to deal with this. It got me out of nowhere and the things she has said to me hurt. Calling me names and telling me im ugly but then apologizes. She said she has considered that she is making a mistake but thinks this is best bc she just wants to be alone. Although she still wants me around and not lose her best friend, i just can’t put myself through that. It hurts so deeply because we are so good together and could be but she isn’t the same. Im afraid that she will realize it too late. And i dont know if its healthy for me to wait around for something like that.
My husband has severe PTSD and anxiety social phobia from severe childhood abuse when I met him I was his Queen he adored me I was awesome I did everything for him but it got to be exhausting he was addicted to pot, cigarettes and obsessed unnaturally with his children every two weeks for 9 years he had to go out of town to see them could never be reasonable about spending time with me putting me first so out of the blue after arguments he could never handle arguments are anger and everybody gets angry people argue he left me broke up with me through text messaging would not answer the phone or see me in person so it’s been a horrific year and a half for me I’m still crying I’m so hurt and felt so abandoned I’m 56 years old and I don’t need to go through this at this age I don’t know who I am anymore I feel lost I don’t know where to start don’t let these people f*** you up run while you can love doesn’t hurt it makes you feel good so look for that and as soon as you start having s*** run and I don’t mean normal everyday ups and downs of relationships I mean what you’re talking about and what I’m talking about and what they what they start putting you through the ins and out to me leave you and they come back and they never apologized they start all the fights at cetera they’re immature childish ways
My boyfriend, who has intense depression and anxiety was recently put on medication and a higher dosage of it. He broke up with me out of no where and wouldn’t even let me see him in person. I did everything for him and he always reminded me how important I was and how much he loved me. We are returning to the same school in August and have very similar lives there. I have not contacted him but I’m going crazy trying to figure out what to do. I have way too many emotions inside of my head. Any suggestions would be helpful please.
Emma I’m in the same situation as you. My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. She has been struggling with her depression for several years but at Christmas she got real bad. We have been off and on since. The last time we were together she really opened up to me stating She doesn’t want me to leave and that she is afraid of her own feelings and it gets worse every day. She has also told people in front of me that I’m always there for her and her son 24/7 and guys like me almost never come along. She wanted to get a house with me and we made an offer on a house that got accepted. She was really happy for a week then all of the sudden she pushed me away. Besides her being bi polar I’m pretty sure she has a fear of commitment to top it off. The signs are as we get close she pushes me away. I know her past with her ex husband was bad and I think to this day it scares her to death to get hurt again. Even though I know she wants a relationship. We work for the same company and I hear from her most days for work related when there are other people that can help her, but she still comes to me. I think us working in the same place helps keep me on her mind and the fact I still help her, shows I still care. Sunday, out of the blue she texted me something cool about her son. I think she was just trying to let me know she was thinking about me and how quickly I’d respond. Honestly, I don’t know what you should do. I think find little ways to communicate with him so he knows you haven’t given up on him (it has worked for me in the past). 2nd, give him space. I usually don’t contact her till she contacts me. I think it makes them think about what they are doing when all of the sudden you just aren’t there anymore. I did send her a little e-mail today asking about her son and telling her what I have going on with my kids and let her know I found a house to buy. Then ended it with something simple “Anyway just wanted to say hi” From all the support I’ve been getting and all the educating myself I’m hearing and reading, that you don’t want to give up on them. They just have a hard time dealing with their depression. So adding the supposed stress of a relationship, it’s just too much for them to handle. I know this hurts (I’m hurting myself) but you have to continue to live as hard as it is. Hope this helps. I know it isn’t easy. Here’s a quote from Bob Marley that keeps me going “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
My husband has severe PTSD and anxiety social phobia from severe childhood abuse when I met him I was his Queen he adored me I was awesome I did everything for him but it got to be exhausting he was addicted to pot, cigarettes and obsessed unnaturally with his children every two weeks for 9 years he had to go out of town to see them could never be reasonable about spending time with me putting me first so out of the blue after arguments he could never handle arguments are anger and everybody gets angry people argue he left me broke up with me through text messaging would not answer the phone or see me in person so it’s been a horrific year and a half for me I’m still crying I’m so hurt and felt so abandoned I’m 56 years old and I don’t need to go through this at this age I don’t know who I am anymore I feel lost I don’t know where to start don’t let these people f*** you up run while you can love doesn’t hurt it makes you feel good so look for that and as soon as you start having s*** run and I don’t mean normal everyday ups and downs of relationships I mean what you’re talking about and what I’m talking about and what they what they start putting you through the ins and out to me leave you and they come back and they never apologized they start all the fights at cetera they’re immature childish ways
I would also like to add that I am a very strong personality I’ve been a manager almost my entire life I’ve worked in Property Management I have never been a depressed personality the last two years of our relationship I realize I was depressed he was making I was becoming depressed and it was never about me it was always everything was about him him him him I don’t think I ever once had him come in and want to talk about me in 9 years selfish f****** idiot so yeah there’s a lot of anger I treated him like a king and he boots me to the side with no home no car no money nothing he wouldn’t have cared if I was going to be homeless it’s been a horrific year and a half I only thank God he is taking care of me very well he knows what my husband did was wrong and then my husband will have to face him Sunday for abandoning a good wife
I also have fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue I could never keep a job when I was with him he kept me so tore up mentally and emotionally and in flare-ups so I haven’t worked because of him I wish I had had the strength to not to walk away from him when I realized how needy he was 9 years ago we can’t fix people we want to try boy have I learned that lesson now and for those of you that think you want them back why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you don’t learn the hard way like I had to listen to your head and not your heart
One day this year this group chat will say 1 week ago, then it will say 11 weeks ago, then a year will go by and all the memories of us will be thrown away and we will forget about all the hours, days and minutes we spent together so i just want to say i love you guys, you made my life great and i just want to say thank you, you will always be in my heart.
I have just come across this thread & an sitting here reading Crystals story with an open mouth.
I am 54 & going through the exact same shit she has.
i was totally dependant on my partner of two and a half years having spent the whole of that time looking after him & conforting & guiding him through a very traumatic divorce and the death of his
parent.
He has been my best friend for years, I thought I knew the man. I left the father of my 3children for him for a promised life of fun, laughter & companionship.
Ended up a verbal punch bag as his manic depression deepened.
I ain’t no quitter & have stuck it out tthen he messaged me on Christmas eve from the other side of the world to tell me its over & that he wanted to be around happy people.
He dragged me down to his level then has the cheek to say that.
What a knob.
He is loaded but tells me to go back home & get athe job back that I gave up on his request.
No home. No car. No job. No money….but I still have my self respect & sanity.
My girlfriend left me 🙁 I still love her day and night!
hello,
I know this is a very old post, but I just felt like it suits me, since I am in the same boat,
My story goes like this, and I hope by writing down I can ease some pain I am carrying,
I feel in love with a girl I never met, met her on yahoo chat, talked, chatted with her for almost three years, was supposed to meet her a year before we broke up, but my visa dint workout, and I couldn’t go, then one day finally, she forgets my bday, I feel bad I confront her, and then she wants a break up, and want to be just friends , I say k if that what you want then its k, she tells me I have been Monetarily talking care of her all this while and she need to start figuring out her finances before she can get back, I say ok, then suddenly a week later I see her pics with her new bf, and ones when they were dating almost 6 months back before we broke up, I ask her why she did it, she says just sorry, and that she waited, and couldn’t anymore.
The things that really messed me up was
I really cared for her, and she entered some mlm scam thing which I didn’t support, and is now earning big, so she finally broke up.
also she could have told me she was dating someone, or starting dating someone, and maybe we could still be friends.
Now yes I do feel bad, but I am not dying out of it, she blamed for not coming to meet her.
but truthfully she was already going out with this guy and she kept lying ,and that feels bad too.
I accept I cannot change things, just getting myself back together.
To me it seems we are all I’m the same predicament.. N everyone’s seemed to b moving on fine….. I can’t say the same.. it…… to fresh…. it all started on my birthday Aug 17. I went to use the bathroom N a phone I’ve never seen before was there. I turned it over… text said bae y U not answering….. I asked him about it he broke down said the girl just walked up to him gave him her #. He was sorry he love me he’ll never do it again…… one month later I’m sitting in the car the whole car light up I’m like wtf… it’s yet ANOTHER phone I’ve never seen so I decided I was going to go thru the shit turns out he’s not cheating with one female but 9. I confront him…. AND of course it’s my fault I smother him he says. We both work 40+ hours a week we see eachother getting dressed for work N coming home after work….. he goes strait to sleep I take a shower N at least try to cuddle while he sleep he pushes me away… tells me stop smothering him……. I’m so hurt N confused I’ve been crying for 3 days haven’t eaten N 2 passed out twice…. N he tells me I’m not his problem like where the fuck did this come from this is the same man. That followed me everywhere when we started dating….. this is the same person who cried on the phone with me every night when I was hospitalized…. told him I feel like I’m dying told me that wasn’t his problem….. I made him like this I’m like how!!! I have carried this relationship more than half the time we we’re together. We got a car together N both our name but I was the one paying it he lost his job week after we got it. 3 days ago he blew the mortor.. he pulled up at my house with a new car to get his stuff….. like wtf! All my $ gone. I have nothing to my name right now. He refuses to give me all my stuff out the other car (2)led 12’s.25000 Watt amp N radio…… I’m like what have I done to deserve this I just wanna crawl under the covers N die. Spent a hour talking to my therapist ….. she told me he’s using me to not take responsibility for his actions…. that don’t make me feel better if anything I’m hurting more…. contemplating just eating all these pills. I’ve never been so hurt before in my life… -d3mi
20 year marriage. She diagnosed bi polar 1. I diagnosed MDD. Toxic defined. I wasn’t always depressed. It was gradual. She a pathological liar, thief, pill head, drunk, negligent mother, occasionally violent, and forever blaming me for the things she did, including suicide attempts. I, angry, yelling, demeaning, distrustful, eventually sick. A horrid collapse at the end. She screwing all kinds of guys, deserts kids and home. I, run for hills in shame, humiliatin and severe depression. Kids scattered.
So how did I bounce back? Well, it took time. In fact, I still work at it. But the first thing was to just get up. I tried all kinds of mind games. Transendental Meditation the most effective. Exercise. A walk. Anything. Gratitude. Forced smiles. It seems that the pain will never end but you keep doing something, anything, other than laying on your ass. Slowly, the pain begins to ebb. Your mind starts to open again. You start to experience pleasure, actually desiring pleasure.
Six months after I ran for the hills, literally, sleeping on couches, in pick up trucks, motels and campgrounds, unemployed, homeless and routinely suicidal, the progress I have made is marked, if not profound.
Today, I’m in the best shape in fifteen years, I have a great gal, I returned to my home and took it back, my children are with me and focused and happy, I got a wonderful job, and the rumination of pain has ebbed to a murmur. Yes, it is still there. However, and after the six months of hell, we’ll add in several years, I just endured I can only imagine where I’ll be in another six months. I am looking forward to things. I will never take for granted the gifts that I have and the people I love. I have been vindicated.
For those of you who are in a deep and dark hole, just don’t give up. You can’t see it right now. You are consumed in darkness. Here me when I say there is light. Move towards it one step at a time. Crawl If you must. But move. Good things will come in time but you must work for it. In the end you’ll be a stronger, healthier and happier person. This is your reward for not giving up!
Thank you for that wonderful perspective for all of us. You are right I just wish I could jump forward 6 months ahead to stop having those dreams every morning. It became an obsession but I know one day they will stop and be less vivid. I’m actually reading Unlimited power written by Anthony Robbins ; it has some wonderful technics to learn how to control your brain and not let you control yourself. I recommend it to anyone.
Good luck to all and take care of yourselves
Not let him control…
Hi,
Few weeks ago I found out that my partner is depressed and I’m so scared that I may not be able to cope. We met 2 years ago, fall in love so deeply and truly that I thought that this is it I found the man of my dreams. After 6 months of being together I started to notice that he’s more and more selfish often saying that he needed more time for himself, that he needed to be left alone, he stooped noticing me, stopped seeing any of my issues and problems. It was always about him. When I was trying to help he would isolate himself and kept me hanging and waiting for weeks till he would decide to come and tell me why he is acting that way always blaming his work and that he’s just very tired. We started to argue more and more in terrible way, we said so many awful things. Started drifting away more and I felt that it’s only because of my effort that we still going on and trying. I started to feel worthless and very lonely. I didn’t know anything about depression back then but I’ve asked him if he would go and speak to someone it ended up with another massive argument. He asked me to give him some time again. I agreed and decided after many sleepless and full of tears nights that this is it and I can’t go that way any longer, feeling so miserable and unhappy all the time. When we met and I was ready to tell him, that this is it, before I said anything, he said that went to see his gp and Admited to having an issuue, that it’s depression and that he’s on antidepressants. It left me stunned, speechless. And obviously changed my outlook and perspective. But still didn’t changd the way I feel. its so hard to understand ..is it him or is it depression who hurt me so much and left my heart broken? Who is the man I fall in love with? I’m so unsure to what to do. I booked the counselling session to help me understand. My partner refuses to see a counsellor. I feel so hopeless, helpless. Trying to be there for him. Sowmtimes he’s there, want to talk to me, few hours later he asks me to leave. I feel so weak but I just can’t see the light now and I’m not sure what am I waiting for? I thought that maybe if somewhere there is someone who is going through somethiing similar.. Then maybe you will be able to tell me something that will help me understand..
Thank you.
Nat
Hey Nat, this is Diego
I’m in a similar situation like the one you are, I broke up with my girl in June and I’m in hell.
If you want to talk, let me know and I’ll leave you my email.
Best wishes
Seems that ur guy has what I have… … http://introvertdear.com/what-is-an-infj/
Thank You. Explained me..lol.
And I’m a Reiki Master/Healer and also recently decided to return to College at 37 for my Bachelors then Masters in Psychology, therefore, able to assist others with all situations, as I’ve sadly experienced great past challenges. I know exactly the deep layers of why people act,or behave, yet they don’t grasp, which heavily contributes to my help when resolving situations, yet draining me. Thank you.
Hi all, Gosh, I am shocked by how close to home this all feels. I have been with my man for 6 years, yes met him just before my first divorce to a drunk abusive man. We moved on, got engaged 2 years ago. Our life has not been all a bag of joy. I moved from my small complex to be with him, gosh I was so in love. When I moved in I decided it is time to take this man and sort out all the skeletons in his closet. His mom was ill and cause I loved him so much would do any thing to help his family.So sorted out all his and his families concerns. The drinking bringing on depression was starting to surface more and more. His daughter moved out and the excuse was because of me, she went to live with his predominent , over powering sister who couldn’t care if he was alive or dead. Eventually my kids moved in and out as per his here say depending on how much guilt and alcohol was in him. His daughter and sister never cared less and only ever called every pay day for money. She treated me like shit cause it was only the 2 of them for along time. His sister was the biggest downfall in our relatinship. I mean together for 6 years and my partner and I have no control of his bank account. Hello, how grown up.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago we had a serious argument, he is moaning about money and I found the proof, needless to say wrong time , wrong place. Not a blood sister won the case and kicked me out the house. once again thrown on the streets with nothingafter all I did for them.
He is now in Rehab for 21 days, things were ok, I was talking to him on the phone everyday and due to visit last Sunday. All of a sudden just before the visit he tells me I am not on the list to visit and I musn’t phone him at all any more. Ummm, why suddenly. He wants to sort his life out, what about me ? Homeless cause sissy says so. i was his intimate partner for 6 years and I get the boot. I am sure all my fault as per the non caring sister. I am now homeless again, money is an issue and I can do nothing about it.
She has ruled his life again. What angers me most is the rejection, he was depressed and turned to alcohol, It wasn’t all my fault. The rehab now is being ugly and pushy and wont allow us to attend councilling because they are focusing on him. We all know how rehab changes your life, they say for the best, but what about the sufferes out there that had to cope with all this for 6 years ??? you get blamed cause being engaged means nothing, you never get your side across. I am now lost, miss him so much and just wish I had , had a say in our relationship, not his sister that after 2 weeks is already planning to match him up. God, i pray every night that I may have closure from his mouth alone and an explanation as to suddenly how he could throw 6 years down the toilet. This clinic is no help, i think they brain wash you into something so that you can see they are good.
I have a sister in rehab, depression caused by husband and a brother than just came out with same thing.
Dont you thin it’s unfair that a non blood relative, only a relative on paper that never cared should decide our mission in life ? I miss him so bad, even when people keep trying to drum it in to my head, he wont change his mind, his sister has done that for him. 50 years old and he can’t be a man to stand up.
I will keep trying cause I love him dearly and miss his arms, touch, kiss and sympathy, its not fair….I am hanging on and just cry all day. Cant eat, cant do anythin, work, work and try find a place to live, I cant do this again. i love the man….anyone out there wanna help me
Hello,
I was in relationship for almost 8 and a half years. But the start of our relationship was itself weird. It was a rebound relationship for my girlfriend. Her x had dumped her and she was all depressed when I came in her life. So when she got my support she was attached to me. But also she still loved her x. So she never committed to our relationship. It took almost 3 years for her to realise she loved me. But dhe to this kind of a start she could never give me what I wanted from my girlfriend so had frequent quarrals. We had many breakups in these 8 years. But every time she or either me would take efforts to patch up the things. Every time we would patch up the relation improved. But one thing was always there. Due to constant fights she could not get intimate with me. We never had sex in these 8 years. Over that too we had many fights. But gradually I gave her own space and told her when she is ready then only I would get physical with her. So for almost last 1 year I was never physically involved with her. We are from India and almost 27 years old now. So obvi our parents were worried about out marriage. So her dad gave her a deadline to take that decision. She took one whole year and finally agreed to marry me. All things were fixed even the marriage date. But one day she told her dad she wanted to take some time to mould her self into this marriage thing. That day she had a big argument with her dad and from that day we stopped talking. Now yesterday I called her and she told me that she does not want to marry me. She is taking all blame on herself. Said she can’t take any more…also she told that she is not physically compatible with me and has no such feelings about me…so that would be a big risk. I pleaded so much literally begged…asked her for one more chance but she kept on refusing. My life is so devastated. When almost the marriage was fixed she backed out. I have been crying day and night but all in vain. I just don’t understand the person who has supported you for 8 long years been always there for you suddenly becomes so cold hearted. She is gonna register her name on marriage bureau and is even ready to marry a stranger in couple of months. God what have I done to suffer all this. I truly loved her. Now tell me which relationship does not have fights. I had a bad childhood too. My parent separated when I was young. I dint even see my mom and my liitle sis for 7 years. When I met them after 7 years all the attachment was lost. Now I have lost the only love of my life. Why is life so cruel…I have just lost all hope.
Hi, i need some help please! My fiance of 3& abit years walked out on myself and our 2yr old son 2 weeks ago.
About a month before, between myself and a “friend” i had convinced myself that he was having an affair with a girl from work. I believed him when he told me there was nothing going on , the tears, an how much he did actually love me, need me and want to be with me! Things then got really good! ( we had met and fallen pregnant within 3months but were both determined that this was what we wanted. He proposed to me declaring his undying love for me on my first mothers day in 2012 and i can honestly say i loved him with all my heart! We had had our fair share of ups and downs and other peoples influences on our relationship but we never let it get to us if anything it made us stronger! He had no family, no real friends and it was literally the 3 of us and my family. We were living in a grotty 1 bed flat the 3 of us and eventually in April this year we moved into our first family home and everything was as it should be we were happy! He then started this new job in the June, got promoted within a month and everything was brilliant! The first major argument was when i accused him of cheating)
Since the “accusing him of cheating” he then went on to tell me how much he loved me, but he was depressed – majorly! He told me about how he felt he didnt deserve to be loved, how he didnt know how to feel, show any kind of emotion all he felt was anger and hatred how he didnt find himself attractive etc etc how he felt like he was trapped in a big black hole! I knew that he needed to go and see a doctor but he was having none of it – i thought it was best to not push and just carry on as normal. Days before he left we had been xmas shopping alone (we dont have time to ourselves at any point in our relationship as we have our son and no babysitters available – it was hard but we had evenings and we got used to it i guess!) we had had a laugh things were good! We had planned to take our son with a friend of mine and her family to see the xmas light switch on on the friday – friday morning we went food shopping – i got stressed as our son was misbehaving in the supermarket and i went and waited in the car when we got home i was still a little stressed but was calming down and were getting ready to go out when he said he wasnt coming and an argument errupted followed by me still taking our son to the light switch on. He was in bed asleep when we came home and the following morning the argument carried on – i walked into a room he walked out we started arguing again and he packed his stuff – i thought he would go and come back later! How wrong was i! Every communication we have had has been over text message – which really doesnt help! At first he told me he may have his stuff but it didnt mean anything , told me he still felt severly depressed spoke about how the bloke from work he was staying with had to stop him from losing it at work and losing his job as well as stopping him from hurting himself! He told me he needed time and space. I know i was wrong but i did text him – telling him how much i loved him and how much i wanted him home etc how we can work things out and im there for him begging him to at least consider giving us one last shot! We’d never split up before never had MAJOR arguments just rows i couldnt help it! I needed to know that there was still a slight chance of him coming home and trying again! He hadn’t actually told me it was over – he told me he didnt know what he wanted or how he felt! I then came across an email from the network provider which had a telephone number on it – saying how much this person missed the other one etc etc so i called the number – it was the girl from work! I asked how long it had been going on and she kept saying nothing had happened there was no them 2 she asked who i was and itold her i was his fiancee! He was coming over quickly to see our son who was desperate to see him and he had got a call to say he was wanted for a meeting at work it was serious! He then accused me of ringing work and how he now had to go and try and save his job nothing had happened between them blah blah but promised that he would come and speak to me at some point over the next few days – that was friday
Later that day i had text asking if he still had his job and he told me he didnt know and that it was my fault for ringing work – i didnt – i called the number on the text!! He then went on to tell me that iv pushed him away theres too much to come back from now iv pushed him to this! Im still desperate to sort things out with him and to piece together our family!! Part of me believes that there is nothing going on with this girl and maybe the message was sent to the wrong number i dont know – he has no reason to lie to me now! He could have put an end to it all by saying yes i slept with her we arent together?! But he didnt! Iv not spoken to him/text him since sat- he still says he will come and talk but when the time is right – up until sat he was also still coming xmas day for our son – i now dont know if this is still happening or what! He told me that if i loved him i would leave him alone – which is what im doing! Its so unbelievably hard!! I cry all the time i feel so guilty and hate myself for keep pushing and pushing and texting him! I just didnt want him to forget about us and it seemed everyday he was away he was getting further and further away from us. He last thing he said to me on sat following my “ill leave u alone now but only because of how much i love you i hope your happy where you are” was “you think im happy you couldnt be more wrong”
I dont know how to cope or what to do! I need some help and advice please xx
Hey everyone, thank you all for sharing! A lot of these situations seem not unlike my own, and at this point I want to share that I have been doubting that I will survive this break up.
3 years ago we began our relationship after a relatively short dating period. I have a son from a previous relationship and am a single dad. I thought this would be a tough sell to any woman, nevermind a woman without children. To my amazement, we had an infatuation between each other and she seemed to WANT to take on the extra responsibilities as a pseudo step mom. Of course I was ELATED!
6 months into it, (despite her being on the pill) we became pregnant. She was scared, and being as how I’ve already been a parent by myself for 2 years before us I was supportive and nurturing.
I did have to work, as we were barely making ends meet as it was, so i was absent for all but one ultrasound. I don’t know if the gravity of the situation was subconsciously too much for me, if I was emotionally or sexually starved or could say for certain just how invested I was in the relationship this early into it… I don’t have an excuse, but I found myself getting addicted to the sex that a woman outside the relationship was actively pushing on me. She made me feel desired, and sexy and alive! Well sadly this purely physical relationship periodicly spanned about 5 months.
Guilt, and the feeling that I have to grow up caught up to me, and I know I would have kept it under my hat. Then it happened, I got the call from my pregnant girlfriend “we need to talk”.
I have to touch on this briefly, not only was she dealing with an unplanned pregnancy early into a relationship – she was also dealing with various issues that dated back before “us” that she never made mention of that I can really remember.
Also during her pregnancy she was facing her mother leaving her terminally ill father, and finally the death of her father battering a brain tumor.
I was in a position of trust and I broke it. She asked if I had “made a friend” at work. I didn’t hesitate, I told her everything! No clear answer WHY, but that it had been over for weeks already, because I chose to end it and focus on my new family… I wasn’t running anymore.
I offered personal counciling, couples counciling, complete transparency with my phone, computer email and social media. To rebuild trust, to show her the times I worked, offered the services of a PI and even voluntary GPS tracking.
All of these suggestions, and she said no. That we’d work it out ourselves, so long as I NEVER do that again.
It was an easy choice to say the least!
2 and a half years go by. We were happy, raising the children, family vacations, and a PREDICTABLE home life. I have to emphasize predictable because I think that’s half of what our downfall was.
October 2013. Upon asking what was bothering my beautiful girlfriend she revealed to me that she had been thinking about my affair, and coupling that pain with the issues that she had left unresolved.
She demanded both solo and couples counciling.
As much as I shouldn’t have been – I was surprised!
Over 2 years and no indication… Come to think of it no indication anything was wrong ever!
I immediately agreed, and she proceeded to periodically want to talk about the affair and was seeming to be reevaluating all the information. Weeks went by, I had all but broken my daily routine, I was leaving hidden love notes. Showing up with flowers, telling her shes all sorts of wonderful things and keeping in contact during the days on a regular basis. It seemed tge more I tried, the more withdrawn she was. She was odd now, suspiciously on her phone and when I would notice get closing an app just to open another when I was around, I was getting suspicious. It was around this time that she started to have conversations with me about leaving for a month or two to deal with her issues herself. Of course I objected, and offered viable alternatives affording her to stay at home.
She only accompanied me to the first counciling session. On the way home with what seemed to be an already more open line of communication I asked of there was someone else . She denied me.
The days between the next session the suspicious behaviour continued, but we were still intimate, still loving while maintaining my old daily routine of work/family(extra attention to her)/personal time at home. Sleep was patchy at best at this point.
Then the day came when it was to be the last that shed be there before going to stay with the mother and father of her best friend- despite my pleas and her own family objecting her leaving our home/offering their homes. I believed she’s coming home in a couple months at the longest, that shed be home for Christmas etc, because that’s what she told me.
I couldn’t take it anymore… My personal social media was always accessible but the whole relationship post-affair I didn’t want to promote distrust by invading her personal space. Then I did. I’m fairly tech savvy, and managed to have a quick look into personal text messeges between herself and her best friend… I read messeges between them calling me names, laughing. Then I saw a guys name I didn’t recognize and I couldn’t bring myself to read anymore or anymore into it.
We attended my daughters second birthday party Dec 7. And I think I maintained restraint quite well, but I boiled over after overhearing a conversation between her mother and the mother of her friend. Katie wasn’t coming home for Christmas.
I left in a tearful hurry. I sat for a few minuites and regained my composure as best I could. I decided I’m leaving the party and went to retrieve my son.
She didn’t even wonder why I was in such distress, being as it was a weekend all she was concerned with was if I was taking my daughter. I refused, and she just followed me to get our daughters car seat.
I stopped short to ask her if she was even curious as to why I was distressed. I told her I had viewed the hurtful texts ( I made no mention of the unknown mans name ( Vance ))
All she was asked ” what texts, what texts did you see?” No concern that I had been hurt by what they were saying to each other.
We continued to my car for the child seat… I asked her again is there somebody else? And for a third time – denied me.
I ended up talking with my sister that day and into the night as she kept me company. As I further scrutinized the text messeges I realized that by the times stamps that Vance and Katie have been in contact for some time and that she was considering dating this man. I figured” in for a penny in for a pound!” Do I did what I could have done at ANY point in time… I’m ashamed to say that I invaded her Facebook account.
I was horrified…. The personal messeges between them only dated back to Nov 27, but only because that was the limit of messege retrieval. It was clear that they were VERY invested already by the emotional connection, the sexting, the reminiscing of first sexual experiences with one another… What bothered me the MOST believe it or not,was not that they were physically involved… But emotionally involved. I broke, I had a full on panic attack.
One of the first messeges I read was ” I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I did it! I told him were done…” Etc. this is NOV 27… We were still (as far as she was concerned ) together well into December! I have our text messeges to prove it… Signed with “I love you” and “xoxoxo”.
One of the last messeges was that he was coming to pick her up FROM MY DAIGHTERS BIRTHDAY! I called incessantly with no answer. I left a messege that said to call me before she does somthing regretful
I was up allll night, taking screen shots of the text messeges… About 8am I was kicked off Facebook… She was logging in.
I texted the following:
Good morning, listen we need to talk.
I know your up.
She replied: “And I’m still extremely pissed that you bailed on your daughters birthday party so it’s not a good idea that we talk right now!!!!!!!”
I replied “Oh, but I do. I didn’t say everything…. First I am sorry for leaving the way I did. Bit knowing what I know and choking it down all morning.. I couldn’t take it so…, I love you, I love you with my whole heart and soul… You are special… Beautiful inside and out. You could never be replaced. I’ve been up allll night, and first… I understand… And I forgive you.
The past few months it seems you have now made a friend… You’ve led Vance to believe that we are not working on our issues, and that we are no longer part of each others lives… You’ve fabricated conversations between us, and I get your in a very emotionally fragile state. I realize that this guy is promising the world… I can’t attest that any of it is true. What I do know is, that I am not going to give up on us… I believe there is still hope… I still love you for the same beautiful, sexy, smart compassionate angel that I fell in love with in the first place….. I knew somthing was up… That I wasn’t meeting your needs, I felt like you were pushing me away, and I was right that there was motive to rehash this when you did. I’m still not 100 percent certain how or when exactly you two met, but I am certain that you went out if your way to go outside of the relationship… And what’s worse, I had given you plenty of opportunity to come clean… I know savanna set you up, and I know she wants us to fail. But I still love you the same. Even with the sleep next to me then sneak off to see him during the day routine… Sharing Amy so soon, and talk of meeting parents and planning vacations… I still love you and so badly want to work on us… I love you, I miss you terribly, and have missed you for so long. Please give us and our family a chance. We can do it baby. I forgive you.”
She said: ” You know what Cam, I can’t forgive you for what you not only did to me but to OUR FAMILY!!!! You WILLING put me through that pain, you WILLING fucked and let’s put it honestly a WHORE for at the least 5 months maybe longer!! And I believe it wasn’t just about sex no matter how much you say it wasn’t!! And you did this while I was pregnant with YOUR child and even after Amy was born!! And then to tell me you weren’t invested!!!!! You shattered every single ounce of trust I had for you!!! And maybe one day I could come to forgive you but I honestly don’t think I’ll EVER completely trust you again!!! I felt that you bailed on us then and then you bailed on Amy your own fucking daughter at HER BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!! And then to yell at me in a mall full of people!!!!! ”
Finally some honesty I thought….
I said:” Is it any different then what you just finished doing?…. Again? And no Katie, I was not emotionally involved, and that is somthing you have to understand. Just like now for you, it’s nice to FEEL wanted, and desired.. That is the only feeling I had. She was not a whore as in pay for sex person, so I want to put that to rest… Just a whore in the sense that sex was all she wanted too. I am wrong, dead wrong for what happened, Otis solely my responsibility and I’d never deny it, I never have. I knew about you and Vance before the “make good decisions” night. About the dinner invitations and the spent days and nights… I hoped that you might feel some remorse or guilt… Enough that when I’d ask your intentions that you’d come clean… That you’d say how your feeling and what your missing, but I could feel you falling away. It wasn’t until recently that everything was confirmed without a doubt, and still you won’t face it. I love you Katie Ann Scott and I will love you until he day I die…. I will work for us… I will also trust again! That you wouldn’t lie, and that I wouldn’t lie ever again either. You are my heart, and I will die without you. I love with my guilt and remorse everyday, I see the pain I’ve caused and I don’t think that you appreciate that… I was not kidding when I said that I will do whatever it takes to get to where we once were… If Seth is a burden you don’t want to take anymore, it can happen… I found your letter tonight and now I know how you truly do feel, and what you are missing… I was that person at one point and I can be again… But we owe it to ourselves and our family to work this through to the end. I want to love you foreceri want to wake up to uour angel face still sleeping every morning forever… I want to be there for you forever. My intentions are clear and one day I can love down my sins. and I know you want that too because you told me so…. This will not be easy, or fast… But it’s going to be so much harder without each other. I just want to touch you so bad, but I know why you won’t let me as of late… Everything has come to a head and we must deal with everything… Your mad, and disappointed, and frustrated and FRAGILE… Such delicate emotions and feelings right now… What’s happening now isn’t right, but I understand! I love you Katie ”
All she replied is “Just so you know I haven’t had sex with him”
Since then, no communication… No calls or texts answered. With the exception of dec 11 on my daughters birthday I got to try to talk to my daughter. Any other interaction has to be about our daughter and nothing else… Or there is no communication.
I’ve been an emotional wreck… No focus, no sleep, nothing to eat… And I didn’t even notice. All I could think about is that this guy is 15 years her senior, and that he was filling an emotional void I had inadvertently created… That he had so much more to offer her than me. Financial stability, an actuall house and personal infatuation.
It wasn’t until yesterday that I got it into my head that I need answers… I need closure and I need self respect. Somehow I just knew that she was in fact not staying where she told her family and I, but rather at Vance’s place. I found out where this guy lives, it really wasn’t that difficult. I bought roses and made a card that read:
“Infatuation is when you find somone that is absolutely perfect.
Love is when you realize they aren’t, and you don’t care.
Nobody is perfect, and I love you Katie A** S****
XO Cam. ”
I got to the neighborhood… It was essentially cookie cutter double-wides in the whole subdivision.
I found the house, saw the vehicles there covered in last nights snow… Now I knew for sure. I
rang the bell and Vance came to answer. He’s a short, greasy scrawny 40 year old… i had to laugh for some reason. He must not have known it was me.. I said “Hey There “big guy”, how’s the home wrecking business!?” He looked shocked and confused. I said ” where’s Katie?”
He stumbled on his words and managed to mutter somthing to the effect that she’s in here and went to retrieve her. I heard him say ” take a look at THIS” behind the door. Then I saw my daughter through the screen door window, and she saw me… She lit up and started pointing “daddy daddy daddy!”
Katie came to the door. She accepted the flowers and talked with me on his front step. I smiled the whole time, and remained calm.
She couldn’t tell me that there is not 100% certainty that there is no love left. But only because of our ties with our daughter.
I asked her if I should wait at all… She said that I shouldn’t.I told her we didn’t even try to fight for our family… She didn’t give me a chance… By the time she told me there was a problem again the first time, she was already invested emotionally. It wasn’t fair, and I asked for one more chance to make it right. It felt like progress, I said what needed to say face to face, and I heard what I needed to hear… Not necessarily what I wanted.
Then the lies continued… Which leads me to believe she isn’t as decided as she makes herself out to be. That she wasn’t staying there at all. It was easy to punch jokes in her story, and I let the proof do the talking. I needed the car seat, so I looked in her snow covered car… Not there. Katie then came out with our bundled up daughter and keys to his snow covered truck… The car seat was in the back. As I fired off questions that were contrary to what she would tell me, she fabricated lie on top of lie.
Last night was the first for just my children and I to be together. I thought I’d share my story to say this:
This whole relationship and break up didn’t come and end without teaching me a few things.
1) NEVER bury your emotions, but pick your battles. Communication is key. It’s what initially establishes the trust and friendship, and is the only thing that can mend broken trust, love and friendship.
If you follow #1, you will not need #2
#2) DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN to keep the relationship from going stale. This takes 2 people, and you shouldn’t have to rely on rule one to WANT to do the small things. Set reminders for yourself to do the small things periodically.
I still feel the sharp sting of her not being here, but I know I have to move on. Whatever that means. If she ever wants to come back, we must BOTH be prepared to put a LOT of work in. But in the mean time, work on self improvement, attend personal counciling and continue couples counciling myself.
This isn’t the end, merely a new beginning any way it shakes out.
Thanks for reading,friends:
Best regards, Cam.E
My ex and I had been together 9 years. We were friends in high school, I moved away, and we fell in love through writing letters to each other….sounds cheesy, but it’s true. I moved back to be with him, in a cliche and rash teenage decision, and from then on we were inseparable.
Over the years we were off and on, always living together and moving out, breaking up for a day, a week, a month…always getting back together, insisting that neither of us wanted to or could ever be with someone else. Even though we were ridiculously young and naive, I had the presence of mind to realize he was always too sad for me. He couldn’t lend support when I needed it. It was like he didn’t know how. A family member would die or something and I was pretty much on my own. I would have my own struggles and just be told I was exaggerating. I couldn’t understand it, he couldn’t express himself and would just shut down. Other times he would be so loving and understanding. It was like two people, really.
I had all these hopes and dreams–not just for our relationship, but for my life in general and he didn’t seem to want anything to change—ever. He never set any goals for himself.
Finally things leveled out, and they were the best they’d ever been. We grew up a little. We both (seemed)to be genuinely happy. He started getting involved in life. Making new friends, got a good job, wanted to get back to school. Things continued like that for awhile. He’d still get sad but it seemed he was coping better. We finally made the leap from living together with roommates to getting our own place, and we were EXCITED! We were talking about getting married. I was trying to save up money so we could travel to Ireland together, where we both wanted to tie the knot.
But….despite his better job and our new place, things fell apart fast. He got weird. He got distant. As soon as we moved in he became aloof to everything. He never had money, etc…I was paying all the bills/deposits, whatever–trying to keep us afloat, trying to keep the faith that it was just a bump. To sum it up for ya, he started taking meth. He had an overnight job, but I know now that it was more about self-medication. I knew something was up, but I worked different hours, I never put two and two together. I guess I didn’t want to know. You see what you want to. I found this out the same night I found out he’d been sleeping with a friend of his while I was working extra shifts at a bar to pay our bills he couldn’t help with. It was hell. We lived together for 3 months afterward because he REFUSED to leave as he was on the lease and naturally had no money to move. He became violent. I myself became depressed and resorted to drinking, which only escalated the situation. He’d sleep for days, and wake up and cry to me and apologize, or rage and throw things. I almost got a restraining order, only this required even minimal involvement on his part in showing up for a court date I knew he wouldn’t honor. This cycle continued until he moved out and I didn’t see him for awhile….then he moved in with friends ACROSS THE STREET. It’s been a year now. We talk, because he lives across the street. Somehow, for some reason, despite everything and the realization that I had been ignoring myself and allowing myself to be used as an emotional punching bag, I still care about him. But I know he is toxic and my caring is for someone he no longer is. His depression has caused him to lose three jobs in the last 6 months. He sleeps days on end, and still comes to me for help when he wakes up, snaps out of it, and realizes how he has screwed his life and what pain he has caused. This site has really helped me realize that through the entirety of our relationship, I knew he was depressed. In a way, me being so focused on helping him only enabled his refusal to admit to it. And it completely denied me working on my own problems and dealing with the pain his actions and his depression had caused. It’s a horrible thing, you don’t know what to believe, it all seems like bull, in the end. All trust you had is immediately non-existent. You immediately are to blame for EVERYTHING wrong in that person’s life.
As I said, it’s been a year, and I still care about his well being, but the person I fell in love with and dedicated nearly a decade of my life to is sadly trapped in there somewhere. That future is not a possibility and I am finally becoming hopeful and excited of finding someone who can love me as I love. A week ago I told him I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to be the shoulder, because it’s still affecting me even though that time has passed.
I guess what I’m trying to say, and what so many here have said, is that if you are on the fence about it, and they are unwilling to get help, cut it loose. And NO CONTACT. Trust me, after a YEAR I am just now realizing the folly of continuing to believe in a person that really is sort of dead. Also wanted to say for those that are still struggling, as we all are, that IT TAKES TIME. A lot of time. People I don’t think understand that it’s not a normal breakup. It’s a tornado of bullshit.
On a lighter note, thanks everyone for sharing! Really has helped me feel better, and squash any thoughts of self-doubt or selfishness in taking myself out of the equation that I’d been feeling 🙂
Lol I liked the tornado comment and can’t agree more. Sorry youvery had to go through this too, it is so true, if they don’t want to get help = run, and if they do, always remember it will take years to adjust. And it might not end up as you wish neither or you might be the exception but both persons have to work really hard to make it work, not only one (as it is often). Sad people on both sides have to go through this, I guess life is really not fair sometimes. I think I feel lucky at the end to be on the side that can still feels and trust my feelings, even if it’s really hard to loose that person who once could express her love so damn well.
Best of luck to you all 🙂
I’ve been on this before. Last nov exactly a year ago my partner starting acting strange been together 10 years with 3 kids so I could tell the difference. He became very manic and secret and completely over the top angry. By feb he was not eating insomina out all the time and sleeping rough. I knew it was depression so I continued to support him and he went to a therapist but his sure he isn’t depressed just our relationship. Anyhow I started seeing him improve past month more himself with a conscious and guess what I found out! As it began to lift he tried to deal with telling me the truth He’s had an emotional affair since February! Posted pics online of the couple pretending to be in love while cheating on her with me!!!! All of a sudden he wants to be honest and see if I will forgive us but can’t see a future for us just with her!! All very confusing! everyday he cant make up his mind who or what he wants. hes so in himself he cant even realise my feelings or that hes actually got no choice in the first place were pretty much over now! bit watching him continie on the desttuctive train. Everyday he rings turns up at 7am and then switches and ignores me!!! I just can’t believe it! Unbelievable. In a way it’s easier than a normal affair as I’ve had time to prepare myself and know it isn’t true love as he ain’t right but still, watching someone completely screw their life up is hard. I’ve told him ur depressed!!!!!!!!!!! Deal with it but no use he won’t listern to anyone. One day it will lift and when it does I feel sorry for the reality strikes. He’s left a 4bed house 3 beautiful kids and partner that’s prettier than his new girlfriend lol that made me feel better and turned it all in over the grey cloud. Life’s hard even when ur in depression in a depression try don’t care about anything their indestructable and can do whatever they please. When their heart starts turning on again then they reqlise they lost everything. try wish the I don’t care fog back cause everything easier to deal with. Life hurts when u feel emotions not without them. Oh dear.
Really, I feel what your saying alot. My ex and i split Over 6 months ago 6years we where together pretty perfect couple, Anyway weeks after we split she was seeing someone else and is now pregnant to this guy. I know shes depressed i was doing all i could to help giving her space saying doing all i could..but shes denies depression tho she had a bout 2 years ago. She is ruing her life big time it is Unbelievable, but she cant articulate what shes going is mad. Its a quick fix fake happy because she cant deal i know this…but to be so flippant with my own feelings is awful. I agree one day if will lift and they will be sorry, but that time comes to late. Depressives will always find a new partner who is lesser than the one before maybe its what they think they deserve? I know how deep this feeling cuts im with you on that.
You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
It makes u not believe in real love anymore, not only is it the betrayal but it’s the complete ice cold lack of empathy. I would of liked a hug and at least a heart felt sorry. I only got it’s no big deal why r u making me feel guilty? It’s all about them. They have the power to break normal peoples emotions through their heartless acts. Deep down I know that I don’t love him the same anymore I think a lot of my feelings are to do with closure and I’m starting to accept I’ll never fully get it. There’s always a silver lining somewhere.
It makes you question alot. Depression is enemy of love. And its so hard to believe that love can be zapped away. They are void of emotions mostly feel apathy anger. Id also like to be thought of and have a heart felt sorry…but in this state they do think of us but try not to as they feel massive guilt. The only closure we get is what we give ourselfs they have no answers for us and its out of our control. I feel ive just been forgot about and this is the hardest thing to endure and im sad. x
Hi. I am in the middle of a break up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years. We have, for the most part, had a really loving relationship. It has been very up and down with a few “breaks” that have been his idea but we have always ended up back together. Both of us have suffered from depression and tried to help each other through it – after individual therapy I am a lot happier and getting my life on track and feel I have come out the other side (which I could not have done without him). However, he is having a really bad time with his depression so a few weeks ago I suggested he be on his own for a while. I have gotten sick of going round and round in circles and never knowing where I stand, as well as the feeling unloved and under appreciated. I know that this is because of his depression but I guess it makes me wonder if he has ever truly loved me (he says he does but sometimes I cannot believe him). It has been a very unhealthy relationship when I look back and feel I have put so Much into our relationship with little in return (in his defense, our sex life has never been consistent what with my depression and I have always realised and understood the impact this has on him). We had no contact for the last week and I have been really happy and focussing on my own needs and keeping myself busy and told him that I can’t do this anymore and would not like to get back together or see him for a while. He responded angrily which is very unlike him, and frustrates me. I am now wondering if I’ve made a mistake and feel a bit selfish, but know deep down that it is for the best. I do not know whether to keep trying to make us work or to leave it and try to move on.
Hi everyone. I am currently struggling with the loss of my boyfriend due to depression. His depression, not mine. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. We love each other so much, but he has totally shut down and withdrawn from everyone and almost everything. His business is the stem of his depression and unfortunately, the last I heard, he has not been to the doctor.
We met, fell in love, and basically had a great relationship. He is everything I am looking for and then some. Then all of a sudden, depression reared its ugly head. It started about a month ago. He won’t speak to me at all, answer my phone calls or my text messages. The last I spoke with him was two weeks ago. I have texted him a few times letting him know I was here if he needed me and that I loved him and that I was thinking about him. He never texted me back. I have also called a few times, but he won’t answer the phone. The last time I spoke to him, he told me he just wanted to be left alone and not speak to anyone. He isn’t speaking to his friends or his mother either.
I sent him one last text a few days ago saying that I got the hint and that I will leave you alone. But to know that I am still thinking and praying for you every day and when/if you’re ready to talk to me again, that I will be here.
I am emotionally and mentally drained from this. I just can’t believe that this is happening. I feel like I am living a bad dream. To make it harder when he ended things, he told me he loved me and saw his future with me, but didn’t want to bring me down and said he had nothing to give me because he couldn’t even give himself anything. My heart is breaking for him.
I’ve been going to a therapist to help me get through this,but it’s doing little to help. I cry every day for him. I pray God will heal him and bring him back to me. I can’t listen to the radio because songs come on that remind me of him. Will this pain ever go away?!?! The thought of me or him being with anyone else makes me physically ill.
Stacie, I feel every word you have wrote. Mt gf left because she wasn’t happy she didn t love herself how could she love me. Once she had left she was even more emotionally withdrawn ignored texts calls. I have yet to reach her on an emotional level in 5months. I feel everything you do. It is a bad dream worst ive ever had. It will last for months depending on the type of depression, there mind is to full with them selfs they cant even think about our pain. Its really common and they act in such a text book way as you can read thats how we know we are not crazy. Here are afew links things that have helped me understand. I do understand but its still no easya ive lost my love my soul mate and best friend you can only take one day at a time x
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-love-someone-with-depression/
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/inside-head-depressed-person-0110134
http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/depression-why-opening-the-curtains-can-cause-more-suffering-and-other-advice/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/literally-darling/loving-someone-with-depression_b_4002503.html?show_comment_id=289479874#comment_289479874
Have a read. Know your not alone for as many people suffer depression there is us on the other side lost and confused x
Stacie,
I had a bipolar gf who was the world for me; she was a blessing and the answer to my questions. She was everything and the world didn’t exist for me without her. I can say that I was a regular guy; good job, nice family, nice friends and I was a “winner” if that word fits to describe myself. It was the first time I was, seriously, thinking in getting married, have my kids and live my life with her forever; she was the right one.
Once her bipolar symptoms appeared the world changed for me, my job, my family, my friends, my believes, my moral values and myself. It is like living in hell with something punching you in the middle of the chest from inside to outside. It drains you from inside and left you with a unwilling sensation that starts in the throat and goes down to your whole body. You cannot sleep, think straight, breath regularly, smile or have fun. Your thoughts are constantly in that person. You isolate from everyone, cry and don’t want to talk to any body but that special person you suffers for. The worst sensation is when you can’t stop calling that person every 5 minutes to hear her voice (if you hear it, you feel you are alive again) that’s your medicine, her voice. One, question for you. Aren’t you becoming another depressed person? Depression is contagious not matter what others say. It is because another future depressed person is making an appointment with a Dr. the same way you did it
When I realized I was becoming another depressed patient, I had to made a decision that I knew it was the RIGHT one to make, but inside of me I wanted to hear about the magic pill that cures everything and give it to my gf because inside of my soul I wanted her for me; my body, soul and every atom in my flesh and bones wanted her back to me forever and ever and go away from the world and live in our isolated island far from humanity. That pill doesn’t exist, but in your head.
The decision to leave that person by her own will destroy you, and many times you will be tempted to go back with your love one. The same way it was not her fault to be bipolar or depressed, it is your option to be one of them. You know the consequences and you can pick any, the responsibility and decision is yours only.
I strongly recommend you, unless you are already married with that person, your brother, sister, etc. to leave that person by his own. He will survive with his “family” and he will find another person. It is time for you to cure yourself and look for you life with another person. Is it cruel? YES, it is. I’ve been there, I know how it is and nobody is gonna tell me that I don’t know what I am talking about. if he hurts to himself it is not your fault, sooner or later he would do it. Think about yourself, your life, your family, your friends and you fate in life. People come to our life for to reasons only: To be a blessing or to be a lesson.
Time will cure everything, believe me it does. The next time you meet another person with this problem you will know what to do.
whatever decision you make, I wish you the best, but you have a life also and somebody outside is looking and waiting for you to love you.
Duke
Ive been living with a partner with depression for 2 years and its reached the point where i have to let go to save my own sanity. His refusal to seek any kind of help and that he can self cure by withdrawing from life has brought me here. Having read your very frank and honest comments Duke, i have decided that i have made the right decision. While fretting over his moods and wellbeing, ive forgotten about my own.
Thank you
Honestly Duke, I have read forums for a month now, trying to heal myself and even find answers. But your response really touched me and really touched my heart. It sucks seeing the good in someone and doing WHATEvER it takes to make them better! That you lose yourself (especially when u weren’t even strong enough for yourself in the first place). But it’s best to let go, no matter what. My ex “moved on” and it stings!!! But, all I can do is pray that I only wish them the best. Maybe she is the girl for him and can help him instead of enable him like was. And maybe she is strong enough to help him without hurting herself, like I wasn’t. All in all, it sucks. But better than being brought down and being another statistic. Thank u!!! Email me if you need a penpal friend
Sorry may I add that he’s had a recent death of his friend who he was very close too, I feel I should leave him to have space and no contact although its very hard when you have spent 15 years of your life with him..I know he’s not being nice but still can’t help but feel for him as he’s not thinking straight..This has been going on for quite a long time with him coming and going. He sais I show him no love and he’s craving this attention from other sources he loves me then he dosent! He’s so hurtful in what he says sais he wants out and for me to be with another man as he’s not good enough and I deserve better. He keeps it all in makes me think everything’s in my head and ignores me if I message, but if he messages me I show him respect and answer him back..but scared to as my friends said he’s so fragile and best to leave him to it.
Hi don’t know where to start really, I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 15 years but he’s become so hurtful says he dosent love me, wants to be alone he comes back and forth which I take part blame for as i love him and think its going to be better. We did live together up until 2 weeks ago when I borrowed his phone and he had been on dating sites and messaging other woman! The messages are not the same person I shared so much of my life with..of course I was angry and asked him to stop or leave and he’s left which Im devastated as why couldn’t he just stop..he sais he loves me then he dosent..has this picture of a new life and whats out there..told my friends he’s really depressed and not felt true happiness for years..am I too blame for this as its an awful hurt feeling knowing the person you love is so down and dosent respect himself at all. He’s left with nothing no clothes absolutely nothing..I’ve not had contact with him for a week as I’ve got my self so low that I need to pick myself up as I’ve got my kids to think about which are 15 and 16 and I’ve felt at my lowest although I know its not depression just upset and hurt at what he maybe going through! and I can’t help him. The reason I’ve so much sympathy for him is I lost my dad. To depression a year ago and its one of the hardest things you will ever go through.,not knowing why sometimes you just have to exept it and realise he was really ill. Think I may have to come to terms that this is not the man I fell in love with and he needs help to feel normal again..maybe its the depression that’s made him so hurtful or maybe he is feeling sorry for himself as he’s been caught out texting other woman…I, confused myself with it all…he did manage to message the kids saying he loves them and he will always be there for them both and he’s sorry for leaving us all…please any advice would be appreciated thanks kkk
I know exactly what everyone here is going through. After three great years My fiancé left me about 4 months ago to deal with her depression. I had been away 20 out of 30 days a months working to pay for wedding expenses while her depression slowly was reaching a boiling a point. She had a very short lived emotional affair though it rattled her to the point where she could no longer continue in the relationship. As heartbreaking as it was it was without a doubt the best thing for me to happen. I know that depression is at the heart of the breakup though what I know to be the bottom line is that for whatever reason if she cannot reciprocate the love and respect that I gave her then I need to move on and continue with my life. All of the stories on this site are very heartbreaking to read as I can feel the pain you are all going through . I want to say thank you for sharing. This website has been instrumental in me understanding what happened but also coming to hard conclusion that as much as I love the person I fell in love with that person no longer exists. I was given the opportunity to reconcile but the fear of another depressive episode is some thing I cannot live with as luckily for me I have no children with this women. To Chris, dude your situation sucks I know from first hand experience but you will feel better in time. Keep the no contact, try new things which you’ve always wanted to do. This is a time in your life when you can become the strong and independent person you’ve always wanted to be.
Jeff,
I know exactly what you mean. It is hard and for the first time you feel how your heart is taking out from you without anesthetic. You have a life also, and believe me, you made the right decision. I wish you luck in your new life. A friend told me with humor, “The sea is full of fishes, you will find your right one”
Duke
A few years ago I met the most amazing man, lovely sweet and kind hearted.
At the start of the our relationship he told me that he had been in an abusive relationship with his ex, he was nervous about telling me as he felt embarrassed about being beaten by a woman. His ex wood fly off the handle for simple things. She would constantly check his mobile, secretly follow him, turn up at his work place and constantly text and call. After many violent occasions he waited until she had gone out and he packed and left and went to stay with friends. His ex has tried everything she could in order to get him back, emotional blackmail. When we met for the first 8 months he was so happy, we had an amazing fun relationship. then out of the blue his ex called up crying and saying she couldn’t cope with life without him, he went round to see her and right in front of him she took a massive overdose of pills, she spent some time in hospital, after that she has taken a couple more over doses, told him she has cancer and is dying, and will not stop ringing / texting, turning up to the flat crying, and ringing him saying she is being followed and threatened by her neighbours and could he come around as she is scared. There have been some times that he has gone to help her, she has convinced him that she can not live without him and if he is not there she will kill herself. He lost a friend to suicide some years back and she constantly reminds him that he was partially at fault for not being there. I think you must all know by now that since she has come back our relationship deteriorated I am gutted but I had to let him go. He has sunk into such a deep dark depression, and turned to drugs and drink. I still hear from him most days he sounds desperately unhappy and keeps saying hr is struggling and can’t cope or go on with his ex’s demands anymore. He tells me he still loves and misses me but is sorry that he started a relationship with me when he has a suicide ex that makes him feel really bad if he doesn’t help her. She has no friends all her family have turned there back on her because of her aggressive behaviour and her story telling about being ill in order to gain sympathy. On a good note he has stopped drinking and taking drugs and is going through a rehab programme. I saw him s few months ago and he was covered in scratches , bruises and bite marks, he was pacing up and down and shaking, he won’t report it to the Police but I have persuaded him to talk to his family about it which he promised he would do He ha snot moved back with his ex, but she turns up at his flat, outside his workplace, she gets violent and frustrated if told to go away and blames him for the way she is because he moved out I know it’s silly and most people would just walk away but I worry about him, his welfare and situation.
Hi Janet, (I posted in the wrong spot, whoops)
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. It actually gets to me as I am in almost an identical situation. The man however is the love of my life. We have been together 2 years and we broke up 6 months ago because of jealousy and insecurity on my part. We have faith in making it work eventually. However he met this woman at his lowest and most depressed state and she just leeched on. It is a very hard struggle as he has come back many times saying he has realized we really are meant to be. Then she will creep back in after theire many break ups, most she instigates. I have watched my sweet caring man waste away. Many nights he has cried to me. The best advice I can offer you is educate your self on bpd and narcissism and how to help someone leave it. It is a hard struggle and he will go back to her many times before he can find the courge to end it for good. The manipulation and lying of diseases is her emotional black mail and ironically the woman in his situation is lying about cancer as well. Just offer your love and support and truly hear him out. Chances are she doesn’t listen to him and makes her problems more important. Be there for him and also respect this is very difficult. In my situation she has made him cut off all contact with me and block me on all mediums of contact against his will as she knows his feelings for me as she helped him of should I say distracted him through his and i’s break up. But at the end of the day I stay postive as focus on taking care of me and know that he and I will be together again. This is just part of his journey back to me. Have faith Janet! And stay strong. =)
Hi everyone,
Sorry to hear about those of you who are going through a difficult time. I can completely relate. I will try to keep my story as short as possible. A year and a half ago my 4 and a half year relationship ended. I was in a way glad that it ended though because the relationship wasn’t right. Quickly after the relationship I started seeing a new guy who lifted my spirits. The only problem was that one of my friends used to like this guy years ago. I decided not to tell her that i was seeing this guy but it all came out three months later as someone else let it slip to her. As a result, i lost my whole group of friends. (5 people in total whom I had been very close friends with for 12 years). I was devastated and felt that this was so unfair that they could all just desert me. They made me feel as though i had murdered somebody and made me hate myself. My friend never even dated this guy. I understood that I shouldn’t have kept it from her but i didn’t want to hurt her as she was already going through a hard time with her mam being sick. It has been a year now since i lost my group of friends and it still hasn’t gotten any easier. Over the past few months i have become severely depressed. I even messed up my final year in college and ended up dropping out. I am also unemployed at the moment.
To make matters worse, just the other day my boyfriend of one and a half years (the one my friends fell out with me because of) broke up with me. He says he loves me but that he is going through a hard time too (he has also been feeling depressed) and can’t see us ever working out because of all the arguments and stress this relationship has caused him. I know the relationship wasn’t the best relationship in the world but i just wasn’t ready to lose another person from my life. He became my best friend when i lost my group of friends. I just can’t comprehend all of this loss. I feel like nobody wants to remain in my life and i have hit rock bottom. Just when i need my boyfriend the most he leaves me.
I have been suicidal for a while now and when i get really upset i just want to end it all or i pray that i will die. These feelings have intensified since my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. However i will not commit suicide because i would rather be on this earth and suffering then to put my family through the devastation of me taking my own life, i just couldn’t do that to them even though i don’t want to be here anymore because of the pain i am in. I feel like i have nobody right now and i don’t even know where to begin with rebuilding my life. How can i ever get over all that i have lost? And was i clinging onto this relationship for the wrong reasons? I feel like i have been hurt so much over the past year that i will never be able to be happy again. I feel like something inside me is broken that can never be repaired. Any advice at all would be very much appreciated
Im currently going throught a brake up with a depressed partner now and it sucks. Everything thing she hates about me are lies that the depression has caused. Im still hoping that she will realise that all the terrible things she is feeling towards me is caused by her depression, but i doubth it. Does the terrible feelings ever truly go away or just stay dormant for the next fight or brakeup? My feeling is it just gos in hiding, waiting to pounce and hurt again. Its hard letting some one go that you love, but its mutch worse letting go of some one because of a sickness. It feels the same as dealing with the sudden death of a loved one. You still love them but there is nothing you can do to bring them back, you must just learn to accept
You wrote your message on our wedding anniversary:-(
It feels the same to me. Like my husband died. Nowbody can understand how hard it is, when the person you love gets an angry and confused and somehow stupid person you don´t know.
It kills me. I lost him on a disease…
He lost me again. Like the last time that happened. Last time he came back. Will he this time? Nobody knows.
I die with him…
heres my story, looking for some advice.
My boyfriend whom I lived with for a year (we were together three and a half years) decided that he needed to move out and fix his depression, but he told me that he still loved me and wanted to date. I told him no, that I couldnt do that, he was breaking my heart and I couldnt handle the embarrassment. We both moved out and got our own places. Ever since then, he wants to be back together, he is working on himself and trying to mend the depression. He has even said he wants to get engaged. I dont know whether to take him back or not. I dont know if I can handle all the pain, the inattention, the withdrawal and loneliness I felt when we were together. I love him and I miss him so much, but I am scared that the depression will come back and neither of us will realize it. I have heard the general statement that if you are not married to the person, that you should distance yourself and it is not worth the pain of trying to fix the relationship, but I dont really believe that. People also say ” relationships shouldnt be that hard, you arent even married yet”. Anyone have advice?
My fear is further compounded based on the fact that my father has severe depression, and it caused my parents divorce.
Ashley, this was written almost 2 years ago…what happened after this post?
Hi, my situation is a little different in that I was the one who suggested my depressed husband move out.. although he had threatened many times to leave me and our daughter. I believe I’ve made it easy for him by taking away the guilt he would feel at leaving, he has told his friends and family that I forced him out, that I was fed up with his depression after a year of living with it. This couldn’t be further from the truth, I was in fact, fed up with his emotional affair and his total lack of respect for my feelings and our marriage. Fed up with his spending all.his time with another woman, texting and chatting non-stop, buying her gifts, saying how much he loves and misses her and generally treating me badly. And using depression as an excuse. Even after all this though, I still hope for a reconciliation, that somehow after spending time on his own, he will realise what he’s missing come home and we will go back to how things used to be before this devastating illness came into our lives. Stupid, I know! A more likely scenario, he enjoys being on his own, our marriage ends and I’m left alone – the instigator of my own pain. I know I’ve done the right thing, the only thing I could do – nothing would change unless I made it change and have a life to live too, its still so hard to accept that a treatable illness is the cause of so much pain and heartache 🙁
Hi JM, I’m in the same situation. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years and had gotten engaged about two years ago and had bought the house that she wanted the engagement ring she dreamed of just to be shut out, replaced by Facebook and her friends. I had done everything for her and her daughter who is age 5 right now. I have a son age 8 and we or “I” have been raising them. It was as if she forced me towns this relationship and now plays the role of blaming all her issues on depression and I feel that it’s a easy way out of her other actions. I do love her but look back and realized that she has never put 110 percent into this and was always looking for a way out. The pain is unbearable at times and leaves me always questioning what I did or didn’t do. I realize I did nothing… My heart goes out to you it’s very difficult and a horrible thing to have haunt you.