I’ve often described the way depression can break up close relationships, but does the illness explain everything? How responsible are depressed partners for the human cost that others pay because of what they do when they’re ill?
One reader told me I’d confused her about this. First, I talked about depression taking over someone, as it had done to her husband. The angry stranger he became was the opposite of the man she had married. He became remote, blamed her for everything and left for a time.
Depression can do that. If it’s treated effectively and goes away, however, it might be possible for the old, familiar person to return and the couple to get close to each other again.
It seemed to her that I was putting all the blame on depression, as if the couple had been hurt by flying debris in a tornado and then could heal their wounds after the storm had passed.
Thinking about her partner’s leaving and coming back made more sense to her when explained as the impact of a destructive illness. It wasn’t really him acting in those terrible ways but an inner monster that was driving his behavior and twisting his thoughts. To some extent, that’s true, and I have often described it that way.
But I’ve also talked about the responsibility of recovering partners to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. They were the ones who acted abusively, had affairs, left home without a word, then returned and apologized, then left again – or did other things just as destructive to their families.
When I talked about depressed partners in that way, she thought I couldn’t empathize with her returning husband. He was back, full of remorse and trying with her to restore the relationship. It sounded to her like I was blaming him, after all, rather than his depression.
I know it’s confusing, but this isn’t an either/or choice. Depression causes the changes in behavior, even personality, but depressed partners still need to own up to the damage and pain their actions have brought about. I believe that is an important part of recovery.
It’s such a complicated and sensitive thing to talk about – especially when answering a question from someone who is trying so hard right now to understand what happened.
Though I’ve written about this before, I doubt I’ve ever hit the right balance in describing the way I see it. And, of course, the way I see it only comes out of my experience and won’t necessarily match what others are going through.
Depressed partners can’t simply put the blame on their illness, assure their partners that all the hurtful behavior wasn’t aimed at them and expect that everything will get back to the way it used to be.
I know that doesn’t work because I used to think that way. After a long spell of sullen withdrawal, feeling like my wife was to blame, wanting to get away, I’d snap out of it and be responsive and loving again. I’d feel deeply remorseful but explain what had happened with words like these:
You have to understand that it wasn’t about you. It was all about depression and what was going on inside me.
That was sincere but didn’t help much. Both of us wanted to believe that I was back, and that we could pick up where we had left off. However, things weren’t really the same at all.
Before long, I’d get depressed again, then come out of it, offer the same explanation and feel the same remorse. My wife couldn’t accept that explanation after the first couple of episodes.
She’d tell me:
How can you say it wasn’t personal? You did this to me not to a shadow in your head. How am I supposed to trust you now? I never know who you’ll be from one day to the next.
Saying it was all depression wouldn’t cut it. I had to accept the reality that I had done deeply hurtful things to her. I had to own up to what I had done, get help and work with her to restore trust.
I also had to face her anger. That wasn’t easy for her to express, and it sure wasn’t easy for me to hear. With the help of a therapist, she could get it all out, and I could sit there and take it without trying to fight her off or get angry in return.
What I had done really sank in then. For the next day or two I felt a deep grief. My eyes were clouded with tears much of that time. That’s when I fully grasped the emotional impact on my wife and kids and could see in bright sunlight how much I had put at risk.
After that, I could never again rely on the idea that depression alone had done the harm. It did its work through me and my behavior. I had to learn how to live with the illness and limit the damage I might do to my family while under its influence.
Worrying about what the cause was, who or what is to blame, isn’t going to help much. What happened is done and can’t be undone. Yes, depression will change behavior in drastic ways, but treating it successfully doesn’t bring a relationship back to what it had been.
I put it this way in another post about broken relationships:
… the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
It’s a great thing when a relationship can adapt to the impact of depression and survive. Many don’t, especially when the illness keeps coming back. There’s a lot anger, hurt and broken trust to deal with, and treating the illness of one person won’t do it for you.
That’s been my experience. Has it turned out differently for you?
Hello,
I am having a very tough being if the year. My boyfriend of 2years broke up with me in the 1st of the year. He’s been trying to figure life out and he’s been frustrated about a lot of things not moving forward; business, career and all and he recently moved back with his parents but he has nothing doing so he is at home most of of the time.
I sensed he started being very withdrawn and snaps over small things and I was really getting worked up about it all. He had mentioned that he usually gets bouts of anxiety & depression especially when he gets broke But he isn’t someone who talks a lot lot about his feelings.
He started acting very withdrawn. I also have this ptsd from past relationships where peoole just left so I was feeling like that was about to happen again and the fear crept in. I kept asking him if I had done something wrong and why he was just angry at me but this made him withdraw the more. At this point I didn’t know that it wasn’t about me… I just wanted him to talk to me but I only succeeded in pushing him further away.
So on the 1sr of the year, we just spoke a little and I apologised about the emotional outbursts telling him I just wanted him to talk to me and he just said he was tired of the relationship and said we had to break up.
I have been so devastated and confused and just asking myself what I did wrong. In Nigeria we don’t have mental health support and many peoole go untreated. We don’t even have it easy getting to therapy or counselling so we largely rely on God and fixing it ourselves. It’s hard for me because when I remember him saying he is tired of the relationship I can’t help but feel it’s something to do with me and how I’ve been trying to just get him to talk to me and give me some attention. I feel so bad now knowing that I was probably acting selfish and not seeing that he was getting depressed and frustrated with life… He also now mentioned that we weren’t in the same town & that we were both AS (this is something we had known before we got pretty serious and accepted to look out medical options for) so him bringing it up really hurt me and made me feel he was just looking for more points to solidify that we had to breakup. In the end he said Maybe it’s not even about me… I had tot of many possible reasons including maybe him seeing someone else and it drove me to speak to his brother who disclosed everything to me saying my (ex) bf is going through a tough episode right now including everything about his depression and all
We had met his parents, my mom and all his friends so things were pretty serious. I sent him a text yesterday just to encourage him… Nothing about the relationship and he replied saying he really appreciated it.
Now I’m worried going through all your experiences here. Did my complains push him further away? Should I go to see him and just tell him that I understand? Over text it could trigger some negative feeling especially if he doesn’t reply or respond. Should I give him some space? What if he moves on from me? I don’t want to lose him at all but there’s so much we haven’t spoken about especially how his withdrawal makes me feel and how it appears to me that now makes me talk (what he calls complains and emotional outbursts)
Please help me. I don’t want to do anything that would push him further away like going to visit him at home with hopeS that we can talk about it. What if he doesn’t want to see me???
Have you noticed anything strange about his behavior like breaking things? Does he take any pills?
Don’t know if anyone can relate to this. Me and my Gf broke up at the start of September 2020, it was out of the blue, she just said she can’t handle the relationship right now and wants to stay clear from them. Her father passed away two weeks before we broke up towards end of August. She just sent me a text out the blue saying’ I can’t 100% commit to relationship right now, can you come pick all your bits and pieces up.
We had the most amazing relationship and connection well that’s at least what I thought.
We have been still in contact through text, but usually me initiating the contact every now and then I send a text, sometimes a week apart or two weeks. I have mentioned since September to now January 2021 about meeting up for a walk, but she always says she will let me know, but never materialises.
But my question to you lot is, if she wasn’t interested in me anymore why wouldn’t she just say look I don’t want to meet up with you anymore and wish me all the best for the future. I still love her and she knows this, but it’s just all one way traffic. Can’t get her on a phone call and can’t get her on a meet up.
I went through similar experience. Wanna talk about your and mine situation?
Hey all,
Thank you for sharing all your stories. I am in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 9 years. She suffers from depression but had recently been taking medication and seeing a counselor to try to help things. Unfortunately these things didnt help and she was admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. While she was in the hospital she was constantly telling me she loves me, and wanted to get better for our relationship. When she returned home from the hospital it was a completely different story. I got the silent treatment and was told that she no longer wanted to be in the relationship because she was so messed up.
I responded very poorly as I couldn’t understand why she was doing this. During our relationship I never took her cries for help seriously. I would try to fix her problems for her Instead of just standing by her. I never understood the reality that depression was this serious. Looking back there were a lot of times were I should have done things differently. I recognize my mistakes about the matter and have been doing ton of research on depression.
I decided to give her space and just be available whenever or however she needs. During her first week out, she would constantly leave my texts unread. The 2nd week however I started getting little messages here and there asking for little favors. I love this woman and truly believe we are ment for eachother. I have started counseling as well to be better prepared to support her in the way she needs. I just get confused by the mixed messages. She asked me to cat sit for her during a recent move which I was happy to do. But then I dont hear anything for a couple of days. She had then asked me if she could do laundry at my house during her move. If were not together, why wouldn’t she just go to a laundry mat instead of hanging out with me while doing laundry? I feel like iam getting mixed signals.
Regardless, I’ve decided to be in her life as little or as much as she wants. But I cant help but worry that when she gets better, I’ll be out of the picture. Has anyone felt like they were getting mixed signals? Am I looking to much into things? Has anyone had a reconciliation with a similar story?
I am writing this, in the hopes that I would find some answers. Any answers would help, because I can not go on like this. Near the end of 2017 I met the woman of my dreams. I didn’t know it when we first met, but I knew it soon enough. She was drawn to me almost instantly. Fast forward a couple of dates later, I found myself, falling madly in love with her. We got in a relationship, and despite how short lived that relationship was, it was my heaven on this earth. I had met her parents, and formed a beautiful relationship with her, which she adored.
Fast forward three month later, she has become withdrawn. I noticed the change immediately, and I asked her about it, she told me that she has suffered depression all her life, and that she is going through a depressive episode, and she just needs space.
She doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to deal it with it on her own.
I was understanding, and I didn’t try to push. I told her I am here, and we will do this together, even if we’re not physically in the same space. Two weeks a later, I woke up to a gut wrenching text. She broke up with me. I called her, because I couldn’t believe what I had just read. She was crying, and she said in a broken voice ‘I love you, but I can’t be with you right now’.
I felt my heart being torn out of my chest.
But I made it my entire life’s mission to understand first what depression is, talked to a therapist, stayed in contact with her mom. I was not going to let her go.
Eventually she grew ever darker. And every time she saw she hurt me, she became more distant.
One time she hurt me so bad, and I told her that there’s nothing she can do that will make me give up on her. If her goal is to push me away, she is going to have to rip my heart out.
Not long after that, she was getting worse, and worse.
Drinking, being cold to me. So her mother advised me to take a step back. And so I did.
And a month later when I texted to see how she’s doing, she told me she doesn’t want me to wait for her, and that she’s interested in someone. Even though she had told me, she didn’t leave me to be with another.
It has been a year since she left me, and she seems happy in her new relationship.
She erased every trace of me from her social media. EVERYTHING.
And then out of the blue, I ran into her. And to my surprise, she approached me.
I was gobsmacked. The woman I love was there, in front of me. She approached me with a smile on her face, as if nothing had happened. But all I could feel was pain. So I just said it was nice seeing you and walked away. After a couple of weeks, the guilt was tormenting me. For turning her away. So I texted her, apologizing. And to my surprise, she turned around and blocked me on social media, even though I had texted her. I didn’t send my apology via social media. And please note, that during the year we have been apart, she has been blocking, and unblocking me non stop. Without any provocation from my end.
She even said ‘I am in a relationship, and we do not need to exchange texts’
I was just apologizing, I wasn’t asking her to come back to me.
I am living in complete agony. It feels like I was reading a book, and the last chapter in that book, the chapter that matters, and wraps everything up, is missing. So I don’t know how the book ends, and it’s tearing me apart.
Did she even love me at all? Did she fake her depression?
Is any of this normal?
She won’t face me. She refused to see me since the day she left me.
But I need to know if this is normal, or if I was just living a lie. Because I can not go on like this.
Please, someone, anyone, tell me if this is normal..
Hi sue, i’m almost on the same boat as you. It was short-lived but we were madly in love, we are both in our late 30s. we share so many idiosyncrasies and synchronicities. He has told the closest people in his life how happy he is and how comfortable he is with me. Sweetest, loving, considerate man I’ve ever been with. We both expressed seeing each other in our future and how lucky we feel to find as weird as we were. He has told me before that he had some depression before and he eventually got over it after a few months.
And then, the dark cloud came. he got sick, chronic coughing which lasted a month, he was sleep deprived and the results were taking so long. He sank into depression, feeling hopeless, telling me he is no longer a good catch. Days before he broke up with me, he texted me out of the blue that he was missing me. And then days after, he texted me has become apathetic towards me, that he see no future for us anymore. I was gutted. I felt a gallon of cold water was dumped on me. It’s been a month since the breakup. Neither of us has reached out. I don’t even know how to text him to get my things, he hasn’t texted me about it either, and he is moving out of his room for rent either july or august. We are not both into social media on personal stuff so none of us is posting pics that one is doing “great” without the other. he only posted a funny old pic he found from years and years ago, 2 weeks after the breakup, no caption either. It’s very hard not to take things personal, even if you understand depression, and I do. I was in a 4 month hole. But I wasn’t with anyone so I don’t know how to handle this. My friend did say I was emotionally indifferent, but at that time she didn’t know I was going through hell, when she called me a “b” cos I wasn’t empathizing with her during a tough time between her and her bf, I wasn’t mad, I didn’t care if she called me that. I didn’t feel anything.
My anxiety has given me interrupted sleep for a month now. Tossing and turning if he has gotten back with an ex, or dating a new one. I don’t care actually if he is sleeping around because depression can make you do anything to distract yourself and make you “feel” something again. Did your gf move on to a new one immediately? Depressed people, as I have experienced, will feel what psychiatrists call “fantasy escape”. And since we don’t have any logic in our head, just hopelessness and despair, we think we need to be alone and do drastic things to resolve our problems. We are normally wrong about this. This is what my ex did, I was the only one who knew about his depression so all his frustrations and irritability were involuntarily directed at me. He felt an “unseen pressure” that he needed to break away from.
But in your case, it has been a year and she doesn’t sound like she is getting any help. you might want to consider letting her go completely. Mine is taking mindful therapy with a professional. It’s hard cos supporting a depressed person will differ if you’re a family member or a partner. It’s tougher for us, we can be forgotten if we leave them alone but if we linger, they feel smothered/pressured. Be aware that depression is anger toward ourselves. Your gf, despite her actions, did not intend to hurt you. That I’m sure, if she really is clinically depressed. Her blocking/unblocking you on social media only means that she still feels for you, but seeing you reminds her of how awful she was to you.
I wish us both good luck, as we both feel we truly have found the one.
Let me start by saying, that I am very sorry you’re going through this well.
It’s not easy watching the ones we love, treat us like persona-non-grata, when all that we have done is love and care for them.
After my initial comment on here, I was driven into a little bit of madness because of the lack of answers.
You see, my ex is a police officer, so running into her is frequent because we live in a small city in IL.
Anyway, after this post I had noticed that she has followed me a few times. She’s never done anything or attempted to harm me in any way, but I could see her patrol car going in circles when she sees mine parked somewhere.
So when that happened, I started reaching out to friends I know who suffer from depression.
The answer I got this time was different.
Considering how everything went down, how she’s been dating someone, how she runs into me, follows me, blocks me and unblocks me, I was told she possibly suffers from manic depression.
Now since I haven’t heard of that one before, I started researching about manic depression, and manic episodes, and suddenly things started to make sense.
I could be wrong still, but it does fit the pattern.
The drinking, the fact that she’s in a relationship with someone already, how I feel like I got discarded. It all fits the pattern from what I have read.
So now, and after a whole year, I got my closure.
I have nothing in my heart but love, and respect for her.
But now I know that I need to move on.
She is deep in this, and she has refused to take her medication when the dark cloud hit, so I don’t see her trying to fix her life any time soon.
I can move on though. Because at least I know she did love me.
And I will cherish my time with her forever.
And if she ever reaches out, I will show her nothing but understanding and forgiveness.
She was the love of my life. And she will always be.
Thank you again for your kind response.
And I hope you rekindle with your partner.
Best of luck! x
Hi Sue
Just wanted to say, you are not alone. I have gone through almost identical situation, and feel exactly the same as you do. Im finding it difficult to move on as I to feel totally discarded and have passed my expiry date, my ex went off with someone else and appears to have it all, I am no longer required. Stay strong and know others are here for you.
Thank you! I appreciate hearing that more than you know.
But I am very sincerely sorry you’re feeling discarded. I know how painful it is, and I don’t wish it on anyone.
I thought about starting a blog, but I don’t know what to even talk about.
Stay strong, and best of luck to you as well! xx
Hi again sue,
I hope recent days are better with you. Yes, she does sound to have manic depression or bipolar disorder. Both of which she would need to commit to therapy and meds (bpd). Which is very tough. I’ve had a coworker like her, and she would go in rage or sometimes cry uncontrollably until she was forced by my boss to see a therapist for meds or be fired. She chose the former. She used to yell at me for no reason, or just using her stapler, I used to get mad and then I found out she has BPD and we became friends, she invited me to her wedding, I was the only one from work she invited.
I’m sorry for your heartache. it’s tough, I too, sense that this guy is whom I’m meant to be.
It’s hard because not a lot of our friends will understand why we are not angry at them. Or that we are in denial.
I am feeling discarded too, most depressed people will at some point experience apathy.
Like my ex, he suddenly feels nothing for anything.
I did get to talk to him, he called after a month (cos he is moving out of his room for rent) to ask again what my apartment # was, where i want my things mailed. at first i felt a disconnect, but then he started talking, apologizing for the way he messaged me, that I didn’t deserve those language and I truly felt the pain/confusion/feeling lost, from him. He sounded so morose.
He said he was more of a mess when we broke up and I just stayed quiet while he talked (not long). He didn’t even go to an old friend’s wedding. When I asked him if he still feels the same about us not being substantial, his answer was “yeaaahh, and no, i don’t know. i’m just a mess.” i didn’t push on telling him how he made me feel, i was afraid it would do him more harm than good. Especially when he told me he is seeing a new therapist and “i need to deal with my past”. He has gone through so much betrayal in his life. He grew up as an orphan, funny, absolutely weird cos at an orphanage I used to volunteer a lot to is where he grew up, he was left there when he was a baby and his adopted parents returned him back to the orphanage when he was 9yo. His father figure has told me that he has dealt with so much pain and it took him decades to accept his friendship. And the past 5yrs, a lot of failed relationships, 1 even stole 3k from him, another pretended to be an ex bf and started emailing him to get him to be jealous.
The only thing I responded to was when he said “i didn’t mean to make you feel like a POS, cos you aren’t, I am” and i said, yes i felt like a POS but even any emotionally strong person would feel hurt. but it did not diminish the fact that I still love him and my concern for your health hasn’t wavered. I told him that though i know he feels nothing, i wanted to say that I still love him. and that he was never a burden, he said he feels he is.
2 days after that, I texted him and offer to help if he needs it when he moves. We had a funny exchange, he was texting me happy emojis. I felt that it was good for us to know that we don’t hate each other. But he did cancel on meeting up that week cos he still has to pack. I know our exchange also lifted this gray cloud he was feeling that I hate him. he said i’ve been the most patient and loving during his episode. he has told me before of his abandonment issues.
Sorry for the long story.
When you and ex just broke up, did you get to talk to her to answer your questions on “why” how things came to be? I’m on a limbo right now. He never did tell me why he suddenly felt us as insubstantial, and I’ve been beating myself up over it (I’m barren and been feeling insecure about it since the breakup). Should I send him a letter, telling him how i felt (not in a argumentative way) and “why”? I’m scared that my letter might make him spiral down as he has when he broke up with me. I know I am a very patient person, and I know I can wait for him to feel better, but I just don’t know what to do now.
Thank you again
Be well
Hello again,
I wish I could say that I have seen better days, but I haven’t.
If anything whenever I make some sort of minuscule progress, I see her following me, or I just run into her, and I am right back where I started.
Anyway, to answer your question, I haven’t. She wouldn’t face me after the break up.
She refused to meet me, to get her house key back, or give me my stuff back. She just always said that she was busy, and has no time for that.
Yes, apathy seems to be common with those who suffer depression. And it seems as though that’s what she feels when it comes to me. Apathy is the exact opposite of love. And I don’t know what have I done, or what have you done to deserve such a major change in feelings.
She never gave me an answer, she never faced me. She ripped my heart out and ran away.
It feel as thought I was reading a book, and she ripped the final chapter out. So now I am stuck. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or what to think.
I did send her a letter, I wanted some sort of reaction, but I don’t think it helped.
My letter was not to ask her why. I saw she started dating someone else, and erased me, so I sent her her gifts and everything back. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but then again, I was in so much pain, I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to see if doing so would get some sort of reaction. And it did.
She blocked me on social media. Despite all that, she still sent me a happy birthday text.
Every now and again, she still blocks and unblocks me on social media.
I just don’t know what to think anymore, and I am so tired from all the emotional pain I live in.
In fact, I am so exhausted that I have decided that I need to leave the US and seek life elsewhere. Perhaps because if I leave then I know the door will be closed forever, and there will be no hope.
Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can trick you into all sorts of hilariously unrealistic scenarios , and I feel like that is the last thing I need.
I loved her… I still do and now I am beyond broken.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
And I know you know exactly what you mean. You feel my pain, and I feel yours.
Best Regards. x
Sorry 🙁
I forgot to say that he say that it has been so unfair to me that he has become so apathetic and just lost.
I had been in a long distance relationship with a man in his 40s for eight months. He told me when we met he had PTSD in the past after his military career and had sought the help he needed. When we met, we instantly hit it off. Even though the relationship was long distance, we saw each other twice a month for days at a time. He was the first to say I love you, first to talk about having children and first to speak about moving together somewhere. Everything was amazing, we never fought. There were times where I would tell him that we could break up anytime and he always told me we would not break up. Sometimes even saying “You are mine forever, i love you and only want you.” About seven months in he started being negative, not towards me, and said he was depressed and at times told me he did not want to speak to anyone. He had just lost a friend also. The weekend prior to the break up I went to visit him. When he picked me up from the airport he told me he was depressed and I told him that I knew that and that I was there for him when he needed. Everything was amazing after that, we talked about our future, how we would raise our child and I even met his mother. He would even hug me and tell me “I love you, you make me so happy.” He was very affectionate. I left and he text me throughout my travel how much he loved me. The next day he was going to see his father in a different state and when we spoke everything was normal. He would send me pictures of things he was doing and say “I love you.” One of the pictures had a location in which it indicated he was not with his father but in a completely different state. I asked him to call me and I confronted him about his lie. He told me and he had to go and deal with his friends death and he had a lot on his mind. He said he was with his cousin and was going to deal with the death and go home. I told him that I would have understood better had he been honest with me up front. The call ended and he didn’t reach out again until I text him that night saying “you don’t even care” and he replied “I love you goodnight.” The fight afterwards was about three text messages long and into the next day when he he upruptly and very coldly said “we should go our separate ways now, I am not happy anymore, I knew this wasn’t going to work, I don’t want to do this anymore.” I called him once and he didn’t answer. He text me “I don’t want to talk to you, I am better by myself.” I wanted an answer for as to why the breakup out of nowhere and he stated he was not the right person for me and that we would be okay not to take it hard or the wrong way that we need to let go now and move on with our lives. I text him back telling him I love you and that I just want his happiness. He then replied with “I wasn’t meant to be with anyone I am too messed up and won’t ever commit to anyone, I am sorry for hurting you, I am going away now goodbye.” I did not text back and I have not heard from him since. It’s been about four days. I am confused as how someone just two days prior was the most amazing person and showed me a lot of love and two days later after a fight (first one) says goodbye. I love him and I am hurting. He is the type of person who is quick to delete phone numbers from his phone so I am very certain he will not reach out. I am attempting NC and reach out at 30 days but I am afraid. I believe it is his mental health but I am not certain as he is the only one that knows. I was blind sighted and I am heart broken.
Hi June,
I have recently had a similar situation with someone who I was seeing for a short period of time. His last text message to me was four days ago and it was him basically saying to stop calling and stop texting, that we didn’t work out and it’s not a big deal, but 2 days before he was telling me how much he cared about me.
I’m curious what happened with you?
Hey JLB,
I have a very similar experience. I was seening someone for a couple of months, things were amazing for the first 2 months, then just last weekend out of nowhere he called it quits. It was weird, because I was currently at his place when he decided to text me after work, on his way home. The weird part was when he arrived home, he pretended like the text conversation didn’t happen, and attempted to carry on with our weekend. Obviously, I decided to confront him, because we talked about our future and weekend plans just the prior day. He even mentioned how much he loved me 2 days before the break up.
He had back surgery in January, which took him out of the routine of working and the gym. This caused him to go into depression, and also relaspe on Opiods, after being 4 years clean. Needless to say, we made it through the relaspe but he told me, he’s not in his right frame of mind mentally, and has been pushing through a couple of weeks ago.
I knew he was suffering with depression, and we talked about things getting better, once the pandemic is over. But, obviously were still experiencing economic hardship, and the hope for him is gone. I seen glimpses of his prior self return but the drinking and smoking heavily just never really cease.
I attempted to reach out less then 24 hours after it happens, but his reply was that he no good for me, our relationship is no good, and to leave him alone because he better off by himself. He didn’t block me on social media. But it been a couple of days and i decided to go with radio silence, because there’s nothing that you can say to a depressed person who’s not happy right now.
Still practicing radio silence, and maybe one day he will explain to me, because our relationship was built on solid foundation. I do know you have to let the person come to you, and not chase them down asking for an explanation.
HI. I have read and understand a lot of the above posts and stories. I am a 42 year old man that suffers with depression and sometimes heavy manic episodes inciting suicidemail attempts. I have been separated from my wife for the last 8 months and have two children under 12. I have been in this relationship for over 10 years. For the last couple of years if not longer I have been struggling with mental illness and the unrealistic world it creates in your head and the actions and repercussions of my hurtful actions on my wife and family. Everything has been a total disaster for all involved and has flipped our world’s upside down. My wife is very caring and supportive but my choices and behaviours broke her and therefore we live alone and try to parent our children the best we can. I am starting to accept the depression and own the hurt I created in order to move forward otherwise I will fall back into total destruction. The hardest thing is acknowledging that this all has happened and it is the life I live now. My wife and I would love for things to be different but you cannot deny the hurt that she has suffered and the choices needed to be made to make sacrifices for children and individuals. The grief that is involved and feeling the loss of a best friend are beyond words and belief when you live it each day. The biggest decision is the internal fight within to help deal with depression and the behavioural habits formed out of deceit, hiding, anger and mental instability. I long for my wife and family but longing for them will not get me right or provide the answer. We both have to look after ourselves separately and start to heal over time. Our relationship will always be different now and in that creates sadness but it’s part of the acknowledgement that an individual life matters and you yourself are worth the fight. Dealing with depression felt like I was in a hurry to ruin my life when now the answer for me is to slow it all down to make my life better. Depression and suicide are very real and sadly common but through reconnecting back with yourself and identifying that it is a sickness in your head and that head needs some healing and in time your love for yourself will heal to…you cannot find a way to love another until you can do this but each step is a way forward when you believe in yourself. Find and communicate with support people that are important to you getting better. Communicate with your partner without emotion and show care and compassion for a common cause like children. Your life will be different but having them in your life is better than not unless it remains unhealthy. Take care
Shane,
Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to this so much and reading your story helps me not feel alone.
These articles have helped me so much. They helped me understand depression and all it does. My girlfriend of almost 1 1/2 years left me at the beginning of this month. I’m really struggling to deal with this.. I knew she dealt with depression for awhile and we had gotten through a period of it before, but this time it is much worse. She started to go downhill in August. She became very emotionless. She was never quite the one to talk about her feelings in depth but it was starting to get even worse, I never knew what she was really feeling, I just got little bits of it from her. As time went on she isolated herself more from her family, friends and I. She explained she was unsatisfied with herself since she had been unemployed and not doing too much, it seems her anxiety held her back from that which then made the depression worse. Despite going downhill there would be days where she would be herself and be very caring to me, and almost normal..so I was extremely confused. Fast forward to December, I ask her what’s happening between us and she’s told me she’s frustrated with herself because she can’t give me the love I deserve. As she said it: “I can’t give you what you need when I can’t even take care of myself right now” she seemed to be feeling very guilty and hurt about it. At this point she got even lower, she wasn’t able to sleep at night, which turned into napping away her days, not doing anything, isolated to her room. We hung out then and she was at moments herself, and other times a person I didn’t know. After a few more talks we decided to part. At first she was very unclear and despite saying we should be apart, still wanted to see me, talk to me and support eachother, I think she was confused with what she wanted. At the time I was in denial and very confused so I kept pestering and in the end it drove her away more. She wants to remain friends and I know there’s no guarantee for us in the future but I hold on to hope.. that maybe one day we can try again with a new relationship. Even till the very end she managed to be caring towards me. She said maybe we could get through this but for now she needs to improve herself alone. She told me she would help herself, but ultimately that is up to her to actually do. I contact her the odd time to check in but some days are extremely painful, like today. It is really damn hard to let go…but with this time I’ve been trying to focus on myself. Reading everyone’s stories here helps so much, we are not alone!
Hi S,
This sounds so similar to what I’ve been through with my ex. Do you mind me asking how things turned out?
We were together for about the same amount of time. The breakup came completely out of the blue from my perspective, but looking back it’s clear that he had been in a dark place for a while. I was aware that he was feeling anxious what with being out of work due to the pandemic and having to move back home with his parents, but I hadn’t realised the extent of his struggle. To me, this was a temporary situation and at least we had each other! We were planning to move in together this year – I was going to sell my place (which is too small for us both) and buy us a house and he was going to pitch in when work picked up again. He had even talked about getting engaged this year… so there was light at the end of the tunnel!
In November, he came around and he was a broken man. He said that he couldn’t be with me anymore, he knew that it was selfish but he just couldn’t be in a relationship as he wasn’t himself – he had been feeling so anxious and he couldn’t give me what I need emotionally. He needed to end it and he was so sorry. He was crying and kept apologising and I was so confused – he had messaged me the night before and had said that he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me the following day. Everything that he was saying suggested that he needed a break to focus on his mental health, but when I asked “do you want to end things permanently?” he said yes. I asked did he not love me anymore and he said “it’s not that… I just can’t be with you”. He left and I was so shell shocked. I messaged him an hour or two later and he said that I’m the best person that he knows and that he was so sorry for letting me down. I told him that he hadn’t let me down and that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself etc… I said that I was certain that we would be back together once the storm had passed. The next day I messaged him and said that I missed him and he said that he was a mess thinking about me and that he hoped that I knew that he did want to be with me, everything else was just so difficult . A few days later he messaged me and said that he was thinking about me all the time and that he had been to the GP and had been put on antidepressants and had been referred to speak to someone that day. He was determined to get back to track, he missed me so much that it actually hurt and he asked me to please bare with him. I was so relieved! I was happy to wait for him to come back, safe in the knowledge that he was doing all he could to get better. That was 2.5 months ago.
I tried giving him a little space, messaging him every few days. I told him that I loved him mid-December and he said he loved me back but “couldn’t find a better way at the moment”. Shortly after that he stopped replying to my messages. Then on 21st December he said that we should leave the communication because he just couldn’t do it “at the moment” and that we needed to “properly leave it”. I didn’t know what that meant – it’s open to interpretation. Did he mean properly leave the communication or leave us, our relationship i.e. it’s over?! I didn’t message him again until early January… He started leaving me unread, which broke my heart. He was the most loving, attentive boyfriend. I tried calling him and he didn’t answer. He messaged me and said that he was sorry for leaving me unread, he just couldn’t talk “at the moment”. This week (early Feb) I’ve messaged him a few times and again been left unread. Last night I messaged him telling him that I love him and, again, he apologised for not responding and said that he can’t talk “at the moment”.
In his messages he used the term “at the moment” a lot, which suggests that this is temporary but his actions suggest that he’s DONE. I keep reminding myself that this breakup isn’t about me, but it’s difficult not to take it personally. I just want him back, I love him so much!
I don’t mind at all! As of now, I haven’t talked to her since August. Honestly I’d say at this point I’m over it. I still love her a lot but with the lack of effort on her part I’ve realized now that I deserve better. It’s hard because some days you think back and yearn for what once was but waiting around for someone that isn’t showing up hurts much, much more.
Between now and the time I made that comment, we didn’t talk extremely often. I would message her sometimes to see how she was doing and at first she came off pretty cold and pushed me away, which really put me off of trying to talk to her. After some time we had some decent conversations though and things seemed to be better but it never really fully went anywhere. Mostly just me messaging her on her birthday or something like that. She never tried to reach out to me. I suggested trying to be in contact again when I last texted her and she seemed happy about that, agreed to it, told me she had missed me and stuff but again it never really went anywhere. I expected that maybe she would now talk to me or just try at all, but nothing. So at this point it’s like a switch flipped and I’m totally done to say the least.
I really do empathize with you because it’s an absolutely painful thing. The pushing away and silence was almost unbearable, leaves you feeling really confused. I can relate with the vague wording your ex was using there with the “properly leave it” sort of thing because my ex talked like that as well, it was never a definite answer as to what we were at the time… just a lot of mystery. A lot of putting it off and avoiding me.
For now I’d say just to leave him be and see what happens. Perhaps some longer time left alone he might come around? I mean like a month or two of silence, let him be and take that time to take care of yourself. It’s very easy to neglect your mental health going through all this, I know I did. I know it hurts a lot, and above all you just want it all back, but there’s only so much you can do when someone is actively pushing away. I drove myself nuts keeping tabs on my ex for so long, wishing and hoping while I got absolutely nothing from her. At a certain point you kind of have to move on and heal yourself, if they’re not willing to show up or do anything to have the relationship back.
I totally understand taking it personally too because it feels like “what did I do wrong? Why are they the total opposite of what they were?” But I really do wish all the best for you! And this is nothing you did, he’s dealing with something that he himself has to overcome. When they push away like that they’re really not able to be there for you, as much as that hurts. You aren’t alone though, if you need to talk I’m here! 🙂
Hi S,
Thanks for responding! Wow, so you still love her two years on even though you’ve given up all hope of reconciling? That’s the really awful thing about not getting closure – you always wonder and it’s so difficult to fully heal.
I’m on such a rollercoaster of emotions from one day to the next at the minute. I compare and contrast all the different scenarios that I’ve read about and try and rationalise what’s happening with us, but depression isn’t rational! I read last night that a depressed person trying to communicate is like a drunk person trying to communicate – a conversation with a drunk person is a drunken conversation, and a conversation with a depressed person is a depressed conversation – both are incoherent. When I read that and reflected on all of the “I can’t talk at the moment”s that he’s given me along with the initial assurance that he was seeking help (talk therapy and meds) and “I’m determined to get myself back on the right track, please bear with me… I love you” etc., I thought hmm, MAYBE he really does need to focus entirely on himself until he is in a well enough state to have a coherent conversation. This thought process has really calmed me, but I do wonder sometimes if I’m being really naive – the guy has basically ghosted me. That just doesn’t make sense to me as we were just so loved up and best friends until things got so bleak for him.
I believe that it’s situational depression triggered by the ending of his professional sporting career due to injury. It’s very common for pro athletes to struggle with identity crisis, anxiety and subsequent depression when their careers are brought to a halt and they’re left wondering what the hell they’re going to do with the rest of their lives. Covid hasn’t helped. I am hoping that once his personal circumstances take a turn for the better, he will be able to see the wood for the trees again and will reach out.
I am aware that at some point, I may need to draw a line in the sand and just focus on myself. I don’t feel ready to give up just yet – like the last 2.5 months have been hell and it’s felt like an eternity, but on the other hand what’s 2.5 months in the grand scheme of things when you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Aaahhhh it just sucks! I was going to send him a card for his birthday next weekend and then give him a few weeks of silence. I don’t think that I can manage a few months!
Hope you’re doing ok! Thanks again, it’s so good to talk 🙂
Sorry, I forgot to ask – do you know if your ex sought help for her depression or did she go it alone?
No problem!
Yeah, I know it sounds silly lol it’s sort of like ..if she was to ever come back and be serious about trying again, I’d take her but it’s not a kind of love that’s held me back, you know? I’ve put myself out there since so it’s all good haha. But yes the lack of closure is something truly difficult, makes the moving on process a lot harder I found.
That’s really interesting! Definitely makes sense, it’s really not the same person you’re talking to when they’re depressed.
you could be right though, he could just turn around once the situational stuff ends, it sounds like there’s more hope in your situation considering some of the things he had said. If it’s worth it to you, keep on and see where it goes.
My ex as far as I know never went for help from a professional or anything, she was in a sort of difficult situation where it wouldn’t be very easy for her to do it. I think she was too anxiety ridden to do it as well but I’m not totally sure. I do know that she tried things herself to get better, tried taking care of herself better, eating better, working out.. etc. So yeah she basically went it alone.
I understand! it was hard at first for me to keep silent too, but the space can be good. That sounds fine though, the few weeks is a good start.
I’m doing much better these days thankfully, I hope you’re okay too, going through it is like you said, a rollercoaster of emotions. I hope things turn around for you, and I’m glad I can help 🙂 let me know if anything comes up with him
I’m trying to figure out if this is due to his depression.
We were fighting a lot, mostly because I feel like I wasn’t getting attention from him. He would go a day without talking to me, saying he was sad, and that he was depressed. He recently broke up with me, saying we fought too much, and he needed to find a way to make himself happy. He then would tell me he missed me and is afraid he will be alone forever, but thinks we tried already, and doesn’t see how it will work.
One day he says he loves me, then isn’t inlove with me, but loves the person I am. I’m just so all over the place and want to be there for him.
My boyfriend of around 7 months was going through a really hard time in his personal life, and I was his only caretaker throughout most of it. Eventually, he started to get more and more depressed, to the point where I thought he was in a psychosis. He became paranoid, would not engage physically with me, and acted like a robot. He refused all my attempts to help him, and pushed me away. He would call me and tell me I should leave him (although he then would clarify that that was not what he wanted) and barely text me back. Eventually, I asked to just be friends with him due to the emotional toll being in a relationship was taking on both of us. I did this while letting him know that I loved him and wanted to be together in the future when he was ready.
My boyfriend did not take kindly to this, even though he had essentially been telling me he couldn’t be a good partner to me for weeks. He stopped texting and answering my calls altogether, under the premise that it was too hard to talk about because he loved me so much. About two or three days later, he decided to take himself to the hospital. I asked to go with him and he refused. Regardless, he let me come over before he left for “closure”. During the conversation he said that his feelings had changed for me and that we fought too much during the relationship and that he no longer loved me. To clarify, towards the end we were fighting. But I was still by his side through it all doing everything I could to help him get through it. Anyway, he said he used to be able to see a future with me but could not anymore and did not see himself loving me again. He said that I don’t make him happy because nothing makes him happy. He said he no longer cared about making me happy, or sleeping with me, or anything.
I left his house and he immediately started texting me like we were friends before he was admitted to the hospital. He recently tried to contact me (he has been out of the hospital for about a week) again by saying even though we aren’t compatible enough to be in a relationship, he still thinks about me and cares about me and can’t let that go. He got mad at me when I said that if he is happiest being apart, then I could not be in his life anymore. He blamed me for my decision to cut off communication, saying that he did not want it to end like this (even though he ended it and told me he did not love me anymore). I guess I’m just extremely confused and hurt, and don’t know what to believe. I do love him and would consider going back to the relationship. I was just wondering if anyone had any insight? Thanks!
Kelly,
This is my exact situation. Minus my boyfriend (now ex) admitting himself. We have been together for 2.5 years. We lived together. He already had depression but when he began working in the ER as a nurse, the depression worsened. He became noticably withdrawn from me. He tried switching medicines and still does to this day to get some relief and try to be stable. He has a binge drinking problem where once a week he drinks to access and gets sloppy, violent and rude. I would tend to leave and go to my parents during this time. He would fully black out and have no recollection as to why I wasnt in our apartment in our bed the next morning. I would return the following day and he felt so guilty. I never rubbed it in his face. I went on week after week pretending it wasn’t happening. About 3 months ago he called his mom and said” Ive got to stop behaving like this or I will lose her (me).” He decided he would book us a trip to Mexico for our first vacation. A week later he called his mom and she invited herself on our romantic trip and he accepted. I was so hurt and mad but I kept it in. When I found out she would be rooming with us at our couples resort, I spoke up and told him it was a boundary being crossed. He didnt like that. He said I should be grateful he was paying for me. Which I was, but the purpose was to allow us time to rekindle our love. I ended up telling his mother how I felt but they both ignored my feelings about it and she roomed with us. I felt like the 3rd wheel. It was horrible. There was so much fighting between us, i fell and got injured, food poisoning and had an infection. He was not supportive at all. He picked fights the whole time. The day after we got back he broke up with me and asked me to move out. I told him he would regret it because this request came while he was binge drinking and he said terrible horrible things to me. I packed up all my stuff and moved and a day later he asked me to move back in and said he made a mistake. Things didnt feel right since. I felt withdrawn. I felt like an unmade choice just waiting for him to end it again. He said I deserved better than him and that I should move on to find a man who can love me like I love him. He said he wasn’t sure if he could ever give that to me. I told him he does show me love and it was his personal life and depression taking over his mind. I asked if I had changed at all and he said no. He said it just wasnt going to work. He said he still wanted to give it a final shot. The very next day he treated me like garbage, screaming at me for no reason while washing his clothes, slammed my car doors, swearing at me, being unappreciative and cold. I was crying by the time we pulled up to our apartment and he said the choice was mine to leave for good or not. I began packing hurriedly and he said if i wanted to quit it was my fault. I told him he wasn’t trying and he said he didnt think he could or would be able to. While putting my stuff in the car i ran back inside and made a last ditch effort to try to talk sense that it was his depression that made him behave this way. He said he had been feeling this way about me for 8 months. I asked him if anything in life made him happy and he said no. It hurts sooooo much. Because i know he is in there somewhere but i cant reach him. It hurts worse though to be so disposable. This is our 2nd breakup but i feel like it is the final one. I need to learn to be comfortable with it. Although it is soooo painful to watch the love of my life suffer and have him make me suffer.:( ill be praying for you Kelly. Keep in touch.
My boyfriend of nearly 2 years has been severally depressed for almost a year. He gets angry and looses his temper at me over small things very often. He would scream, hit things, run away from me, and make me sob for little things like a discussion about starbucks. Then he would cry and give me the most sincere apology and ask for my forgivness and said he wont let this happen again. He’s done this 4 times already. I’ve been asking him to get help, and I try to get him to talk about it, but he only does when he’s black out drunk sobbing all night and he is strongly against telling anyone or doing anything along the lines of treatment. Then I had a family emergency with a lot of things going on already, and instead of being there for me he yelled at me, insulted my family, grabbed me, started sobbing asking me not to break up with him, and insisted he come with me when I met my family during our crisis. I sent him an email and told him that he needs to give me a plan and fight for me or we’re done. He agreed and told his parents and has been talking to them about it, they’ll see if he needs counseling, he’s started working out, he says he’ll fight for us, loves me so much and will try earning my trust back. I just dont know what to do. I have been so forgiving and patient for so long and I have sever depression and anxiety issues myself. I understand how tricky it can be and how lenient I have to be, but his health has been negatively impacting my own. I know I love him very much and I want a future with him, but I dont know how much more I can take. Now he’s finally doing something about it. I just dont know if I can forgive him for what he has done and if I should stay with him while he gets help or we should be on a break.
Hi, I was recently dumped by my partner of 2 years. I’ve been supporting him as much as I can with his depression over the last year. I have c-ptsd and have also suffered from clinical depression in the past. I know what it’s like to struggle with your mental health but I still can’t understand what’s happened.
It all changed when he got put on new medication. He’d been on other medication before but when he started these new ones he changed straight away. He would lose his temper over the smallest things and started finding fault with everything I said and did. I felt like his emotional punching bag. His mood got lower and lower and he turned into a shadow of his former self. He began to distance himself from me until it reached the point that he wouldn’t speak to me at all. He literally would ignore me to my face the times I came round to see him. I confronted him one day (I had tried before but more gently) and things came to a head. He said how sorry he was and told me how much he loved me, how much he wanted us to be together. Everything was fine, for a day or two. The longer he stayed on the pills the worse he got. He became paranoid, started to accuse me of cheating on him. Then he stopped talking to me again. He wouldn’t pick up the phone when I rang, ignored my messages.
We don’t live together but before all this took hold we had been making plans to move in together soon. We were talking about marriage and children. I felt devastated when he ignored me but tried to not take it personally. I texted him every so often to let him know I still loved him and I was thinking of him and was there if he ever wanted to talk.
After this had been going on for a while and I had still had no contact from him whatsoever, I sent him an email saying that I understood he was going through a hard time and that I would give him space if that was what he needed but to please tell me what’s going on because this was not fair on me. He sent back, “We are over”. And that was the last I heard from him. I’ve seen on Facebook that he still speaks to other people. He is posting nearly every day on Facebook, he rarely used it before. I think his paranoia has convinced him that I definitely cheated and this is him punishing me. I don’t know why else he would do any of this. I love him.
Hi there, I know that your post was a year ago but I am currently going through the same thing. Just wanted to ask how it turned out? Did you reconcile?
I’m struggling with my partner who just last weekend was planning our future together to 4 days ago saying it’s over. Saying his depression only comes when he’s depressed. 🙁
My boyfriend and I started going out at the end of last year and although I thought he was a little pushy, became caught up in his several comments about wanting a family and house together. He even bought home items and asked me if I would approve them in this apparent home, and has shed tears over being happy with me. We’re both in our mid thirties so we both knew that the timing for us was great. About two months ago he suddenly ended it for no reason then wanted me back a few days later. He said that he wasn’t sure of all the emotions he was going through as what he had with me he hadn’t had with anyone else. When he asked me back he had blunted emotion and seemed tired but also said that he would never put me through this again. As an otherwise strong and independent woman I thought I would do my very best to try and better understand his insecurity in that he is not so independent as he is financially supported by a friend and works in a job he hates that doesn’t activate his mind. It took a little time for me to rebuild on trust as he had told me that he broke up with his ex several months after he had emotionally checked out of the relationship and I was cautious that a seed was planted and that he would do the same with me. Another two months passed and he started to distance himself again. When I asked what was wrong he said that his life was sh#t. I offered to be there for him. Mind you this was a conversation over the phone that lasted nearly an hour where he was mostly silent. When we caught up later that evening he squeezed my hand and told me he still wanted everything we spoke about for our future. But he wasn’t in the room, he seemed detached. He then softly said almost to himself that he didn’t think he could be in a relationship. When I asked if he wanted to break up he took about ten seconds to softly whisper yes. I was devastated and thought he would at least explain his reason. A month has now passed and I haven’t heard from him. I am told that his behaviours indicate depression which I am very sympathetic to but wish that he would respect my feelings and at least tell me that, or something, as to this day I have still not been told the reason for the breakup. If the relationship wasn’t so intense so quickly I would have just brushed this off but feel I deserve an explanation. I miss him and am there for him but he has also done this to me twice that has left me confused on why he pursued me so hard in the first place. There was no real indication of unhappiness from him and I now believe he kept it all within while we were otherwise enjoying our time together. I’ve left him be to sort himself out but would find it a real shame if he didn’t reach out to me again. Am not sure what to make of it if it is depression.
Hi Sonia,
I recently have had the very same experience with my husband of 11 years. He is now home (in England) as I have sold my house in the U.S. to get ready to move to England to fulfill our dream. All of this came as quite a shock to me, and it has over taken me as a strong independent woman as well. We too have had silent conversations and today it has ended with him not being able to get better with me hanging over him. He feels guilty that his working through this may take a long time and he cannot expect me to continue to wait for him.
My husband too was quite attached right from the beginning and we spent countless times loving and laughing. He acknowledges the love and happy times but cannot find the love no matter how hard he tries.
I do hope that things work out for you. Patience will be needed and assurance of better times ahead.
Absolutely devastated. My girlfriend of 5 months has ended our relationship. I never saw it coming. For 5 months she would tell me how much she loved me, how much we were soulmates, how she has had a closer relationship with me in a short time than the 28 years she was married to her ex-husband. She is going through a terrible divorce, there’s a lot of $$$ money involved – multi-millions of dollars. Her kids are dysfunctional. She was emotionally and physically abused during the marriage as were the children. Her ex cheated on her several times, took drugs, was an alcoholic and substance abuser. She kicked him out twice and still took him back and then finally kicked him out a third time. She revealed to me she had attempted suicide several years ago. I never saw all the little signs while we were together as I have never been exposed to someone with mental illness. She lives on a cocktail of anti-depressants, codeine for consistent and persistent migraines, and Valium for anxiety and stress. She goes weekly for counselling. There were lots of other small signals of mental health but I did not realize at the time as I thought they were just part of her lifestyle – excessive shopping, untidy house, inability to make decisions, sleeping in until all hours of the day and so much more. We then went O/S for a 3 week vacation. 3 days in she was suffering from migraines and while I was out shopping she sends me an SMS to say she’s booked a ticket home – no discussion, no apology. She then gets on the blame and I am in total shock and disbelief. When she arrives home I sent her a text to find out what has happened and I thought we were honest with one another and why she disappeared. She gets made because I did not text her while she was in transit to find out how she was. Upon my return she tells me she’s in a dark place and while she loves me, does not think she can be in the relationship. – I’m left hi and dry and devastated, crushed, abandoned, and cast aside. She tells me it’s not me it’s her and she’s in a dark place. She says love was not enough to keep her marriage together and o why would love be enough to keep us together – I am so lost, I don’t understand how she could just cast me out and aside. It’s hard to not take it personally – I don’t think I will ever hear from her again – I am an emotional wreck and just cannot comprehend how she could claim to love me so much one day, and then be gone the next – HELP! Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Do I contact her or just leave her now?
Danny,
I read your comment and feel for you deeply. I myself am dealing with a depressed ex partner and things feel absolutely unbearable most of the time. I know that the question ‘why’ is tearing you apart right now. I know it won’t fix your pain but I wanted to share that you are not alone in your fear, abandonment and pain.
All the very best to you,
Julia
So my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me last night. We hadn’t seen each other for two months because he said he needed some time to sort his head out.
It’s a long story and I won’t go into all of it but he lost his libido entirely almost 2 years ago. I also caught him in a lot of lies. I have been trying to fix this relationship but he was getting withdrawn and being very difficult to be with. I encouraged him to seek some counselling.
Last night he said that his counsellor has advised him to go on sick leave from work or he is heading for a breakdown and he warned him of isolating himself and pushing people away. He has also advised him to get medical help for depression. My ex is very reluctant to do that as he says he will feel like a failure.
We talked for a couple of hours about things and he admitted that he was pushing people away and getting more isolated (he hardly sees his kids and doesn’t really have any friends). I told him that if he asked, I would stick with him through this and help him in any way I could. He said “I have to do this myself, nobody else can do it for me”. I said that just because he has to do it himself doesn’t mean that he has to do it alone, they aren’t the same thing. He agreed. But when it came down to it, he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
When I left, I sent him a message saying that I would go back if there was any part of him that wanted me to but he just ignored it.
I’m utterly devastated. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much and I want to get us back, I know it will be different but what can I do?
My boyfriend recently broke up with me because he “needs time alone to figure things out”. I had known about his struggles with depression in the past and i knew he would have bouts of it here and there but they way he had been talking recently i did not see this break up coming. just a few days before he ended things he had calculated how much money we each needed to save per month in order to move out of state together. we had talked about marriage and a family and he kept telling me how happy he was with me. So when he said he no longer felt ready to be in a relationship i asked him why he said all of those things and his response was “he felt like he was suppose to say” them. I don’t believe he didn’t mean anything he said thought because when he would say it i could see it in his eyes he truly loved me. Im just confused about what to believe. He had broken up with me in the beginning of our relationship and after a month apart he called me crying and wanted to get back together and said he missed me so much. Is this going to keep happening? I want him in my life for better or worse, but he’s adamant about doing this alone.
…these life stories are mirrors of mine. Greatest guy I’ve ever met, really got my attention, said we would be married, discussed house plans, the whole deal. Within 24 hours, I was totally igmored, he asked for ‘time’ to figure things out. Until I deeply researched depression in mid age men (he’s 55), I didn’t understand. I got angry with him not telling me why he needed this time. He then absolutely shut himself away from me. Didn’t respond for 4 days. I tried everything. Recently, he replied to my texts, and told me he was praying ….
I’ve read and read similar stories and fear I will never have him – the guy I met- back. I’m willing to help in any way, to stay with him and have his back….I just cant seem to get this through to him – I understand as best I can…and just send an encouraging text to him. So sad for so many people to deal with this.
I’m sorry this is long, I’m trying to keep it short but not missing out any important details so thanks to anyone who makes it to the end, it’s much appreciated.
I’m completely devestated and heartbroken. My boyfriend and I (both 26) had been together 3 years. He knew about my mental health problems, anxiety and depression almost right away and said he wasn’t going anywhere. He had my back the whole time and would have took a bullet for me. I think I just pushed him too far.
We were long distance the entire time as we met whilst working abroad (although only apart by about 2 hours total by plane). We would see each other for a week or 2 every 4-5 weeks usually at the start, but as life got in the way sometimes it was every 2 or 3 months. Whilst this was hard, it was never a deal breaker – we had plans of him moving to me, marriage, kids, the lot.
4 weeks ago he told me he didn’t think he can do it anymore. He loves me but he’s not in love with me, he’s completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. Up until that point I had been in denial about how bad my depression had been for the last 15 months- 2 years. I just didnt see it at the time. At the worst I was suicidal and self harming, but didn’t tell him this at the time as I didn’t want him to be dragged down with me.
We hadn’t seen each other in 6 months at the time he mentioned breaking up. He had been asking and asking but I kept refusing, I was pushing him away because I was so deep in depression I felt worthless and like I was nothing but a burden to him. I didn’t even communicate any of this to him or how I was feeling as I couldn’t find the words then I just got worse and worse.
So for all those months he was trying to get through to me, he had his suspicions I was slipping into depression but also thought that I just didnt love him anymore and didn’t want to be with him. It absolutely broke him. He feels like a failure for not being able to save me, even though I explained that only I could save myself.
4 weeks ago when he mentioned breaking up, nothing really came of it. We still spoke daily but it wasn’t the same, I was the one initiating all the contact and I could tell he was distant. I asked if he wanted to end things then and there but he said no because he was still conflicted and trying to figure things out. In hindsight I should have gave him space then to figure stuff out before the break up.
That’s what brought me out of my depression. The thought that I was losing my boyfriend.
I made it clear where I stood. I apologised profusely, explained how the depression just took over me. I was so sorry for the way I had treated him and been with him. I tried to explain that I’m still me, the me he fell in love with is still there, it’s just that depression takes over and it’s like someone else is controlling you. I was drowning and didn’t know how to get out or ask for help.
6 days ago I phoned him as I couldn’t handle being in limbo anymore. We were on the phone for 14 hours. Talking everything though. He was devestated, He was angry, he shouted, he blamed me, he was sorry, he cried, we both cried.
He tried his best to understand how depression and anxiety can affect a person, but he still doesn’t quite get it. I said and did some horrible things whilst at the worst of my depression, but it wasn’t me. I am not the horrible person that my depression turned me into. I know these things still hurt him and I will never get over that guilt.
He says he didn’t want this, he wanted everything we spoke about, marriage kids etc, but he’s just so drained that he feels he doesn’t even know who he is anymore. I think my depression seriously affected him, which I feel so unbelievably guilty for. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of this.
We both cried on the phone and said how much we love each other. He cried because he didn’t know if he was doing the wrong thing by ending it. I told him he has to do what he feels he has to do and I’ll always be there for him if he ever needs me and he said the same to me. We haven’t spoke in the few days we’ve been broken up. I feel he needs time to deal with his anger, his pain, to try and understand his feelings.
Is there anyway of us getting back together at some point? Or is it too late? I’m out of my depressive episode now and can see everything I did wrong. I am now seeking help and am fully committed to getting myself back on track.
The most painful part is knowing that if I had been able to communicate how I was feeling and how bad things were getting, he would have been there for me and supported me. This happened because I didn’t let him in. He felt neglected and abandoned and like I didn’t love him anymore. That’s why this happened
Annie, I am really sorry about this. Give him some time to think things through and recover, and then reach out and tell him all these things you wrote here: that you realize how the depression was affecting you and that you are determined to fight it. If you are honest about your mistakes and willing not to repeat them, just say it and fight to win him back. I wish my ex had done this and fought for me.
Annie, I definitely feel for you. I struggle with certain mental illnesses that have affected my relationships and caused damage. It’s a really terrible feeling, the guilt. However, the best thing that I found to do in these situations is give the other person space. I mean like a month or so of no contact. During that time, you can use it to better yourself and go back to the person that he fell in love with. It also gives him time to miss you and feel the true consequences of the breakup. Once the month is over, you can go back to him and demonstrate the new positive and lovely person that you have returned to being. He will have had time to lose some of the negative connotations of your relationship, and you will have become strong again. Best of luck!
I married my dream woman 7 years ago. Beautiful relationship, 2 young children, a thriving business that we built together, there had been some distance and odd behavior over the past 6 months. 3 weeks ago while on vacation I caught her having an affair. This completely bowled me over as there has been zero indicator of unhappiness. Come to find out that my wife has been deeply depressed for 1.5 years and not opening up to anyone about this. She says she has always loved me and knew that she wanted me and our family but that this was “separate” in her head as in she did not want the man, the sex was ungratifying but that she was trying to escape her body/situation. Says she felt worthless and felt nothing for her children and did not care about right or wrong. After I caught her I told her we would divorce and then apparently she hit rock bottom She cried and wrote in journals for 5 days straight then seems to have come out of the depression to some degree. She is back to being the woman I married years ago, sweet, caring, good mother, and is saying she wants nothing more than to make this work and that she loves me and feels connected to me like we originally were.
The trauma that broke her/us was that we had an abortion after a failed vasectomy 2 years ago.
How am I now supposed to believe a word that she says? She lied to me for months but now is a completely different person? Now she wants all the things she has had and has no desire for anyone else and feels for me and her children again? We are aggressively doing counseling but I am stuck. How much of this behavior is her or the illness? How does one cope with someone who conceals their depression and turned into something that has completely different ideals from the woman I married? How do I trust again? How does one spot the depression returning or am I just going to be paranoid in the future?
Thank you for any help and comments. I am having a very hard time with all of this.
David,
The only way that you two will learn to trust each other again is first to GO TO THERAPY TOGETHER. Then SHE needs to seek a professional on her own as well. There’s always a lot to unpack when something like this happens. You really can’t build the car yourself that will drive you two away from this turmoil; you need the mechanic to assist you.
You know?
I am so happy to have found this site. I feel as though I am reading parts of my own story. I met a man a few months ago. He became my best friend and my boyfriend. We share many common interests and laugh until our faces hurt. I’ve never met someone before who is truly so capable of getting me.
Within the first month he hit a spell of depression as he was laid off from his job. He also lives with his parents. He’s in his 40s so I imagine this is a blow to his ego. He felt pressured, overwhelmed and told me that he didn’t want me to have a half psycho boyfriend. However during this time he stayed in constant communication.
We then had an amazing few months. I did everything I could to make him happy. It’s the first time in my entire life where I gave my relationship 110%. We said our first “I love you.” and began talking about possibly moving in together in the next 6 months. I was even willing to move closer to him. I currently live about one hour from him.
About a week ago his ex wife contacted him with some bad news about their son. He had gotten into some legal trouble. My boyfriend/ ex boyfriend was communicating with me very well in the beginning about what was going on then suddenly it was as if a stranger took over. He became cold and distant. He wasn’t telling me he loved me. We are so close that I instantly felt the shift. I asked him what was wrong and he once again described the symptoms from a few months ago but this time they sounded worse. I told him I would give him some space but he continued to text me. However, it didn’t feel right. I asked him if we were okay about 6 days ago and he described once again what he was feeling. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said “Maybe, for awhile. I don’t know.” We continued to have the conversation via text and finally he said a break was fine.. I don’t even know what a break is. He asked me to check in with him. I didn’t hear from him for 2 full days so I decided to check in with him. I let him know I was thinking of him. He texted me back and told me he was thinking of me too but nothing had changed and he really needed a break. He’s never talked to me like this before. Now here we are and it’s going on Day 3 with absolutely no contact so in the last 6 days I have only had that horrendous conversation with him.
He is truly my best friend. The last time this happened he wore sweat pants for 2 weeks, didn’t leave his house, didn’t shave or brush his teeth but at least he still kept in contact with me. I feel like he hates me.
He also compared me to his two ex girlfriends. They were very short relationships and seem to have used him for money while he had a job. He said the only difference is I’m a good person and I’m so awesome to him. He also told me I’m his favorite person on the planet. He said I care, I really really care… all while comparing me to those girls!!! He mentioned that he rushed into those relationships and he felt we did too. We actually took a step back and I gave him time in the beginning. He pursued me. It’s like he had a warped view of reality. I was so angry that he would have compared me with them. But still I held it together because I couldn’t bare to be mean to him.
We left it at we are on a break, he needs time to himself to figure things out. I’m still in shock. We have had so many conversations about our relationship. I felt this was different for both of us. I feel like I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend. I miss him beyond words. I have been so incredibly nice to him through all of this and part of me wants to snap. There is an emotional part of my brain that wants to blame his ex, that wants to call him a cheater and accuse him of meeting girls or just flip out and end it. But he’s never shown me that he’s any of those things. Ever. He has shown me that he has a lot of signs of depression. He has some eating issues where he has to control his weight. He has compulsive spending issues. He’s definitely got major issues. I’m so scared of losing him.
with a “break”, it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘breakup”, but it can still be painful- it refers to a person taking a temporary step back from the relationship to either do some soul searching, or focusing on other things needing their attention.
In this case, it sounds like he is overwhelmed by everything and is pushing you away to retreat, when he really should be relying on your support. But I suspect with the headlong full-speed rush into things, compulsive spending, overeating and extreme responses to negative events- he could have more than just a simple case of depression he’s struggling with, something far more serious which mental health experts can pinpoint and help him recover from.
Hey, I am literally the same as your boyfriend except I didn’t compare my boyfriend to others. I was laid off in December and the minute January started it seemed as if anything that could go wrong went wrong. I was broke, still had major bills such as rent, car note, insurance due and I was completely overwhelmed and depressed. I was very embarrassed to tell the guy I was dating about money issues, I did not tell him. He knew I wasn’t working though. My birthday was in February and I was turning 25, I was even more depressed because at 25 I knew I no longer qualified for free training and job placement opportunities. I felt like I couldn’t explain myself properly and that no one understood or even cared. When I tried explaining myself to people who haven’t had experiences like mines I felt the responses were unrealistic and cold. People would tell me to just get a job, get any job even if its minimum wage. In my heart I know it wouldn’t have made me happy at all. I was extremely discouraged. In my head I started making scenarios of my boyfriend, I would bitch about a lot of social media things mind you I usually don’t care about social media. I realized I was just doing too much negativity so I asked my boyfriend for a break, I explained I’m depressed and I felt like no one understood me. He took it as I don’t want to be with him.
I want to reassure you that it has nothing to do with you. I needed a break to figure things out, to find myself and improve my mental health. It sucks being depressed. I’m very emotional, one day I’m motivated the next day I honestly think I’m better off dead. I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone. Sometimes I go days without leaving my bed at all, not eating sometimes then other days I eat like a pregnant person. Trust me the break has nothing to do with you. We are trying to fight off this demon within ourselves, only we can improve ourselves internally. It’s hard not being with the person you care about but it’s even harder being in a funk or feeling as if you’re in quick sand. You may not totally understand until you experience it, but please understand it is not personal. He is very sick and is trying to improve.
My girlfriend just left me yesterday so it’s very fresh. I’m 36 she’s 38 we have been together for 2 years now. The first year and a half was great we were so in love and happy we were best friends . The last few months things have went down hill she was going threw something’s and put her in depression. She slowly started to pull away it seemed and started saying she doesn’t see a future or have any feeling for anything in life anymore. She would say she lost her feelings for me as well and then other days when she was happy she would say she loved me. I’m bipolar so I took it personally so we would have the odd fight over it and I would come off needy and such. Last night she said it was all to much and she couldn’t do it anymore my heart sank and I tried to talk her out of it but didn’t work. She jst wanted to be alone she said and not be bothered. I asked was it the depression that caused you to lose feeling she said yes it was from depression. It really sucks to lose someone from depression. I’m going to leave her alone and let her have sometime to think and figure things out. I really want her to come back but not sure she will. Anyone have any luck with depressed person com8ng back over time?
I believe she will come back. As I told the young lady on the other comment depression is no joke. It is like an internal demon that has a person hostage. Notice how some days she’s happy and in love and others she’s down and doesn’t want to be bothered? The depression is keeping her down. She just need time to improve. It’s not personal. But people with depression really really need help! She is very sick mentally. Give her time to improve herself.
Hi Keya,
My ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago due to his depression. I won’t go into ALL the detail as I’ve already posted here about it, but in the days that followed our very unexpected breakup he messaged me and said “I hope you know that I do want to be with you, everything else is just so difficult” and assured me that he had sought help (therapy and meds) and was determined to get back on track. He asked me to please bear with him, which of course came as a massive relief! Since then, he stopped replying to my messages and now leaves them unread. He did reply last week after weeks of ignoring me and said that he can’t talk at the moment.
I believe that it’s situational depression brought on by unemployment due to having to retire from his sporting career due to injury. I’ve read that it’s really common for pro athletes to experience an identity crisis, anxiety and subsequently depression when their careers end and they don’t know what to do for money. Covid hasn’t helped.
You mightn’t be able to answer this and I know that everybody is different and it’s a very complex situation, but I’m just wondering… with determination and the help of therapy and meds and with time, can I expect him to come back? Aah I realise how ridiculous that question is, but I’m so desperate for answers and he wont give them to me.
I really need someone to talk to about this.. my fiancé has been going down hill into depression for the last 2 months, and now I don’t even think he is capable of seeing me as the woman he loves anymore.
I am quite insecure in myself and my worth, so it took me far too long to realize what was going on with him.
He is pushing me away to the point where I feel like he is a stranger but I still love him with everything that I am.
I don’t know what to do, what is best for him and where to go.
Someone, please help me.
Hey Elsa, I know exactly how you feel.
If he’ll accept your help, go to the doctors with him, look for counselling; some areas have mental health charities that offer low cost/free counselling. Ask a Dr for a referal to a mental health professional and counselling, anything they can offer.
I hope you get him back soon.
I was in a relationship for 5 months where we were living together majority of that time. Things were alright but we fought a lot. I have major depression and anxiety and it got to a point where I started snapping on him and threatening to break up. I had no real intentions of breaking up with him but I couldn’t take all the arguing and I wanted him to fight for our relationship (my own insecurity). Well I did that one too many times and he left. I know that my depression caused major insecurities and anger problems, although I take credit for the things that I did. All of it just seems so misplaced looking back. Anyways we’re broken up but I’m realizing just how good he was to me and just how hard I was to deal with at times. I begged for him to take me back, but he refused. At best he said we can see where we are in a year. I miss him so much and him not being there has only worsened my depression, hopelessness, and overall worthless feeling. I’m quite confident he’ll never want anything to do with me, but it’s hard not to hold onto hope. Does anyone have any opinions or personal experiences of depression taking its toll on their relationships? I know I can’t take back the things I said/did, but I truly love him and think if I were healthier, we could be good for each other. Any chance we’ll find each other again? I’ve considered documenting my recovery (I’m taking meds and getting treatment) in a journal to maybe one day send to him. Is that a horrible idea?
I’m having that experience now here in Calif. My wife of 20 years is angry beyond belief…passive aggresive anger. Sure looks like depression. She Mirrors the actions described here. Waiting and waiting for the therapist to call it what it is. Meanwhile she threatens daily to move out. Forgiveness-wise, we’ll have to see. Therapist is frickin sloooow.
I literally feel like you sp9oke my story except we were engaged to be married 12-16-16 and now he is with someone else but i want to keep hold of hope also
Hello everyone. This is a very old post, but a very new situation to me. My boyfriend of eight years broke up with me on the first day of September. I always knew that he struggled with depression and self-loathing, but over the past couple of years I watched him become worse and worse. It got to the point where the simplest compliment would overwhelm him. If he did something nice for me, he didn’t even deserve a ‘thank you’ in his mind. He hates himself so much that it breaks my heart. Over the past year, he became… I don’t want to use the the term ‘needy,’ because that’s not exactly it, but he seemed to need me more. He opened up more. He let me in. He was more loving and better in a lot of ways than he’s been in a long time. I thought maybe we were getting closer and my support might finally be helping, even a little. But I was wrong. In March, we watched a movie together and I don’t know why the mood struck me, but I told him how much I love him. I told him that he is wonderful, and that he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Despite his problems, he has always been my rock. He’s always been my support. He made me laugh, made me cry. Made want to be a better version of myself. I thought he was my soulmate. That night, he broke down in a way I’d never seen. It scared me. He told me that I deserved better than him, and that he clearly isn’t the best of anything, and it was such an explosion of self-loathing that I was terrified. I have to be honest, our relationship was long-distance. He disappeared for three months. Then he messaged me out of the blue, telling me that he is ready to fight to get better, but to do that, he has to leave me. He thinks he needs to stand on his own two feet to get better and that he’ll use me as a crutch if he stays with me. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get better. He thinks he is a burden and that I am better off without him. I am shattered. I miss him more and more every day. I keep over analyzing everything and wondering how I became a part of the problem. I love him so much. Everyone keeps telling me he’ll come back, but they don’t know him like I do. He won’t. He will never come back, and I am struggling to get over this. Reading this post helped a little. It’s hard to let go of someone when you feel like you can’t blame them for any of their actions. I guess I have to start looking at the reality of the fact that he didn’t love me enough to even try to fight WITH me. I don’t know, guys. I’m a mess. It’s hard to let go when they leave you because they love you. “I don’t love you anymore” would have sucked, but somehow… easier. There is more finality in that.
Hi Sam,
I just stumbled across this page myself and saw your recent message. I’m sorry you’re going through this but your message is eerily close to mine. I’m hurting so much and I don’t want to just “let go”. I haven’t spoken to my friends or family about this because I don’t think they will understand. I can hardly hold back my tears reading your story because I feel the same pain as you. Less than a month ago we were discussing our future, kids, and everything. My bf told me that he will be alone forever and will never be able to make me happy. He says he’s a broken person and needs to do this alone… I want to be by his side and support him and be there for him but he won’t have it.. I can’t offer you advice as I don’t know what to do myself but if you need a friend to just vent, I’m here for you. I’m going through this alone and I can’t discuss it with my friends or family because I know they won’t understand. Feel free to reach out to me via email or something, it would be nice to hear from someone who going through the same thing ????
Wow my story is also very close to both of your stories. Boyfriend of 8 years ended relationship out of the blue in Novembe due to his depression. He said he will be single for the rest of the his life, then a few weeks later said he will start online counselling and we might be able to get back together in the future if he feels better. Also said he doesn’t even really understand why he even ended the relationship.
I feel very hurt but also want to help him but he wants no contact at the moment.
It’s so painful.
Anna.
My boyfriend ended our 2 year relationship 2 days ago out of the blue. I really think he is depressed and has been for several months. I think that is what caused him to break up. He insisted it’s not me and that he needs to figure out his life. He has been on an emotional roller coaster lately with his daughter and very distracted, not feeling well often, and tired. He said all he wants to do after work is sit on the couch and has no motivation. The breakup came completely out of the blue for me as in previous days everything seemed fine in how he was relating with me. I was shocked and devastated. I am now concerned for his health but trying to be good to myself by not contacting him since I felt it was very hurtful for him to end the relationship so suddenly and never brought up how he was feeling about our relationship if something was bothering him. He said he isn’t able to take our relationship to the next level. In one way I feel like if he doesn’t want a future with me then I need to let him go but on the other hand if he is depressed and this was a result of that I feel like I should be there to help him. I don’t think anyone else in his life will help him as people in his family tend to brush things under the rug. He really hasn’t been taking care of himself over the past several months. I am so upset about it all. I am feeling a mix of anger, loss and sadness.
I am a person dealing with depression. I am only able to reflect now that I am doing a little better but I want everyone to understand that even though it hurts not being with the person you love and care about their decision is not personal, it is not against you. You won’t clearly understand until you are feeling the way they feel and sometimes it’s hard to explain how we feel. I need you all to recognize that depression is extremely sickening and can be dangerous. It will turn you into a completely different person, a person that is unrecognizable. Depression is not who that person is. I describe it as a demon taking over your mind completely negating every thought you have uncontrollably.
When I detach myself from people or loved ones it is not to hurt them. It is for me to have time to understand myself, cope and fight off the depression in order to help myself. No one can help unless you’re a licensed therapist who understands. It is an internal thing and need to be worked on selfishly. I truly believe that when the person gets better they are very willing and capable of loving you and coming back to you but while this illness manifest there is no growth within that person. It’s almost like we can’t appreciate you until after we’ve overcome this thing. It sucks while it last. I broke up with my boyfriend and it’s been almost a week without any contact and I care about him a lot but I really need solitude in order to get well.
Hi, I just wanted to share a very similar experience with the other people that have commented here. My boyfriend for over 1 and 5 months broke up with me 2 days ago. He has clinical depression before we were together and it has recently come back this year because of work. His therapist even said the root cause was because of work. But recently a lot of unexpected bad luck or situations have befallen him in this month alone. Fights in the office or clients, money was stolen from his account and all that. I’ve been supportive and patient with him all throughout it and he even acknowledges that. We have had a very loving and good relationship and don’t really have conflicts with one another. Just like the others who have shared their story we even talked about the future, marriage, kids and all that. So it was so very sudden and abrupt last Sunday that he said he wasn’t just wasn’t happy anymore with the two of us, that he was losing interest in me and the things we used to enjoy. He says it’s not because of depression but his emotions. He says he doesn’t feel the same way as he used to. But then he says that he knows it’s partly his fault and the fault of his depression that we don’t go out anymore or why we kind of talk less and all that. And I see how his depression affects him, he isn’t happy anymore with anything even being with his long time best friends. He doesn’t have any motivation or interest in anything anymore. So I’m confused if he’s in denial that the depression has really affected his emotions and feelings for me or if he really just feels that he isn’t happy anymore with us? And I don’t know what to do to help him because a few hours before he wanted to end our relationship I could see and from his stories, his depression is actually getting much worse. So i don’t know if I should just leave him alone or still reach out to him? 🙁 if you could help me somehow it would really be appreciated.
After 1 year together everythingvwas like a dream. We felt like soulmates. Started to be serious. Then he was panicked he will loose me so he was broke up with me. He said the problem was with him. He can not see the future positiv he feels empty.rottening inside. Since then he is not contacting with me. When I write he is answering but it’s just like 2 strangers. It hurts so much. What is he really want? If he want me to go forever why is he still here? Im starting to feel same feelings.blue.hopeless.up and down.heartbroken.I don’t know what to hope or do
Me and my now expartner had been in a very nice 4 year old relationship…He seemed very in love, around four months ago he had made this comment about how he saw a discovery documentary where they said love only lasted 2,5 years but he thought it wasn’t true cause he still felt very much in love with me. I’m now working but he’s still studying the second career he started and feels insecure about it. When he started this semester, in August, we began to see each other much less frequently since he had a lot of classes and began to dedicate more time to study…I began to complain about it, specially during my period -they recently diagnosed me with endometriosis and began a hormonal substitution treatment-, and ask him do you love me?…
Maybe this was the third month I would ask this right during my period, Everytime he responded he was just really stressed out…and the times we spent together he seemed ok, he was very caring and worried about my well being and we had nice sex that many times -maybe 50/50- he started it. Though, it looked sometimes he didn’t want me to stay the whole two days like before, and expected me to go home a little earlier or left my house earlier…
About two weeks ago, my period came, I again complained he again said he was stressed. Friday he asked me to go to a concert with him, we ate something -he felt a little ashamed each paid for their half and he didn’t pay for it all, even though I’ve always told him I have no problem paying for my half or for both- after the concert he was supposed to go to my home…bit when I asked him he wouldn’t want to go, I was sad even though I knew he had stomach ache. Next day I complained he saw I was sad and didn’t say anything…he said he would go to my house at night. I was no longer annoyed by that but he wanted to talk, which is strange cause he’s extremely shy, and unable to have this kind of conversations. He said he didn’t feel the same anymore, he was no longer happy with me, he sometimes preferred to stay at his home alone than coming to visit me…he said he wouldn’t want to admit it before to himself, he didn’t understood himself, he knew 90% the relationship was great, he still cared about me, had desire for me, fell tenderness about me but he didn’t want to continue the relationship. He cried, he said he thought I would be the one to fall out of love since he had no complains, he thought we could grow old together… But he couldn’t continue.
Five days later I called to propose us to see each other some times so this is more gradual since it was a complete surprise to me…He said it was better for me that we don’t, he said he was still sure he didn’t love me and he had been calmed all this days and had no intentions of regretting his desicion. He stopped picking up my calls. I wrote to him mad, then I wrote to him sad. He wouldn’t reply. I went to his house.
He wasn’t there but his parents which I love and love me back were. We talked about it, I told them I was worried about him cause if he lost interest in his career, then in his volunteering -political- activities and then in me I don’t know what else would come. They were also worried about some blocks they note on him, the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate, the fact that he can drive but he never wants to really practice to actually do it by himself…
And that’s what happens with his career he claims not being able to concentrate on finishing an activity, that he feels he just doesn’t want to do it he feels he’s blocked. Things he also said we’re why he would end the relationship. Then he came. At the beginning he was calmed wouldn’t answer more than he still knew he didn’t want to be with me and last couple of months he just pretended to be fine so I would be ok. But when I told him I was worried, that he’s losing interest in everything, that what he says about his career is now saying about me he broke. He started crying he asked for forgiveness. Then I told him I was worried he would damage himself and he cried even more…at the end he promised me to go to a psychiatrist -he confessed he had already tried a couple of physiologist and didn’t feel it worked so abandoned it-. We hugged and cried and I left. I feel better now than before that talk but I’m still very sad. I know I shouldn’t but I’m still hoping he might come back, he might begin to realize he misses me in some weeks or the psychiatrist might help and he realizes I’m not the problem…
Do I have any hopes of getting him back?
Friends, I am looking for some perspective. My BF of a year ended our relationship this past weekend and I’m absolutely heartbroken. He mentioned early on in our relationship that he was treated for depression about 15 years ago. We were ok until about a month ago when I started feeling that something was off. We talked about my concern and he confirmed that he didn’t know what his problem was- he was lacking motivation, was tired most of the time, just felt like sitting alone and doing nothing. He assured me it wasn’t me and he just didn’t know what his deal was. That weekend he told me he felt a bit better and talking somethings out helped. I felt that things were at a plateau until two days ago he came out and said he needed a break as he needs to get himself together- possibly go to the doctor and get blood work and also explore the possibility of depression. I told him I wanted him to do whatever he needed to get himself into a good place and thanked him for being honest about it. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the word “break” as I felt it implied hope and his replied that he can’t make promises about the future. I offered to pack up the belongings that he had kept at my place and asked him if he would please do the same with mine at his home. He stated that he didn’t know if this was going in that direction yet. I told him again I just want him to get the help he needs but I’m truly devistated that he would want to go through this alone. Like so many of you have posted, I feel that he has cut me off. He went on to say that he’s been a shitty boyfriend and things used to be great with us and now it just feels so blah. I can not hold onto hope that we will be able to reconcile and have the great relationship we used to because I feel that I’m setting myself up for something that most likely will not happen. I need to find a way to grieve this out but in the back of my head I keep holding on to this tiny tiny chance. I guess I’m seeking reiteration that this is the illness and not him at this moment. How can I let go and allow myself to heal?
It is the illness! Don’t have any doubts about that. The best thing you can do is give him some space and work on yourself. Easier said than done, but if you try to push him it will backfire. He needs to get treatment and until he does there is nothing you can do (only advise him to get treatment for depression)
Thank you, Faith, I appreciate your reply
Hi Ana, I just had the same thing happen to me after close to 2 years with my bf except I don’t think he realizes he is depressed. He does have exactly the symptoms you described however. Have you had contact with him? Has he been treated? I am so sad and confused about what has happened with my bf that caused him to do this.
97 days, no contact. I wish I had some idea as towards what he has done for himself, if anything. I miss him terribly but I’m slowly beginning to realize I need to start moving on.
I’m trying to grieve but it’s going to take a long time for me to let go of hope and I can’t even imagine at this point being open to dating again. I never knew much about depression so I didn’t recognize it in him and this wasn’t even a thought in my mind that could happen. All I knew is he was struggling with challenges related to being a single father. It’s so devastating as I had really allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusted him so it was a big shock to me when he ended things. I’m just taking it moment to moment as I go through anger, sadness, hopefulness, hopelessness, strength and weakness. I also consider getting in touch to say I think he is depressed. I’m trying to give space though. It’s so hard to know what to do. I love him so much and he expressed his love for me also. But now having read about depression I see where he had a lot of the symptoms and understand how people can’t feel anymore. It’s such an awful illness. I can only take things day by day now. He, his daughter and his family were a huge part of my life and it’s a huge loss. I feel the same wanting to think he is getting help for himself or is he continuing on a downward spiral. Take care.
What ended up happening? Did you move on? Did he get healthy?