Writing to Get Through this Day
Posted by JohnD
Fear wakens with me this morning. I have no idea why. It's part of a continuing down I've been in for weeks now. After a few great days when I was blazing away at ideas about my projects, depression returned and has been building in its quiet way. But it is fear that is coming on now, and I know if I don't try to get at this, it will become panic and keep me away from everything. Work has become almost intolerable. I've spent two days at the office, three days at home each of the last three weeks, barely getting the tasks completed to keep each project moving ahead. How commanding and cocksure I'm supposed to be, how implausibly shaky is the reality of my mind and heart. Now on top of the dissolving intention, the drifting mind that has to work hard to recapture even the memory of that urgent task I was about to take care of, the total loss of drive and feeling and energy, now comes the fear as well. But it's a young fear, tentative, and I'm still strong enough to push it to one side, punch through its shadowy presence, tell it to stop. I believe that if I let it flow its own course, I will be gripped by a strong panic before long. And what can you do with that inside you? That gets suicidal very quickly because there is no place to run to, no defense that can be constructed through imagery or redirected thought patterns.
Panic isn't the same as extreme fear, the kind of total horror you feel at the presence of external danger. That fear is part of survival, perhaps the ultimate survival instinct to get out of this spot and save yourself, the kind of fear and stress that soldiers must feel in combat. Panic is a shattered drive that points nowhere. it's not a useful feeling connected to survival instincts. Instead It boils the mind, the feelings, intentions, energy into total confusion and directionless flight. Flight without a destination, making you more and more desperate. What's left of your mind is searching, searching for something to hold onto, something to make it bearable for even a few minutes. How long can the body and brain sustain that destruction? What happens to you during and after those panic attacks?
But writing this little bit is helping to soften the early warning fear and anxiety. Maybe I can avoid the worst of it today.
