Growing Up Blue - Is Mom Dead?

Posted by JohnD Wed, 11 Jun 2008 04:48:00 GMT

Some Rights Reserved by The Wandering Angel at Flickr

I have a family in my memory that can’t be quite the family I grew up with. Each of us is more intense than we probably were, as lived moments collapse backwards into a few vivid scenes. Who knows if what I recall is what happened? That doesn’t matter so much compared to the lifelong impact of the almost mythic figures I made of my mother, father, older brother. They took on this psychic life while hidden just across the border on the other side of consciousness, and then emerged again, endowed with new power. I’m remembering now this inner Brother, a figure a bit magical, a bit scary, a bit bigger than life.

His daring filled me with awe and fear. If there was a hidden spot to explore, he would charge recklessly into it. If there was someone to fight, he would start swinging, if there was a cop to defy, he would stand up to him. And if Mom needed a champion, he would go after Dad.

Posted in Growing Up with Depression, Connecting | Tags brother, childhood, depression, family, Fear, feeling, growing, memory, mother, up, violence | 4 comments

Creating a Way Out of Depression - 2

Posted by JohnD Sat, 07 Jun 2008 20:20:00 GMT

Some Rights Reserved by ul_Marga at Flickr

I want to explore a lot more about creating and the creative process, but first I need to examine methods to keep depression from undermining the creative work I try to do. Or should I even put it that way – is it depression that stops me? For years, I told myself I couldn’t work when in a mental fog of depression, my will to act paralyzed, my motivation even to imagine a new writing project completely gone. Does it have to be that way? Here are a few writers who say NO!

Near the beginning of Julie Fast’s Get It Done When You’re Depressed, she quotes an artist suffering from depression who made an important discovery. Although she had been thinking she could not work when depressed, a friend asked her if she could see any difference in the quality of the work she produced when feeling good and when feeling bad. She realized that there was no difference. That was an eye-opener. She realized that even when she felt low and lacking the will to get to her creative work, she was still capable of producing the painting that gave her such deep fulfillment. Now she’s focused on her work, rather than on her feelings about whether she’s able to get started. For her, this realization has made all the difference, and she’s painting whether she’s excited about her work or unable to stop crying.

Posted in Surviving at Work, Connecting, Fighting Depression, Creativity | Tags art, creating, creativity, depression, Fast, Fear, Fritz, Julie, Robert, work, writing | 2 comments

Fear of Falling and Mad Men

Posted by JohnD Mon, 26 May 2008 04:15:00 GMT

Some Rights Reserved by Memotions at Flickr

In the midst of writing about moments of spiritual insight, I realized I had to draw the other half of that picture. The lost side of spirit is emptiness. I don’t mean the emptying that can be a stage in recovery and spiritual growth. That kind of emptiness is a good thing. It means the stopping of daily noise, the frenetic pace or the addictions that keep me riding on the surface of things and avoiding whatever I can’t face. The good emptiness drains all that out of my system. Once rid of the mind-buzz and the anxiety that goes with it, I can participate in an active silence, and things become clearer.

No, I’m talking about the opposite of that rich experience. It is the empty feeling that leads to panic and what I’d have to call dread. It comes in a flash of perverse insight when I feel again at one with the world around me, but everything in that world, including me, seems false, an empty shell about to crack open, revealing a void. And I’m going to drop in a free fall as the ground cracks under me. That used to be a regular part of my life before I could grasp that it was one face of depression.

When the panic used to strike, I’d have to react fast and leap into any activity that filled the emptiness with crowds, or, better yet, helped me believe for a time that I had never been empty to begin with. I had to hold onto a structure, a purpose, a job, something that sealed the cracking world up again and filled my days with action that was useful and important. That took me completely out of my inner self and whatever I may have really wanted and put me securely in a role or function that had value in the eyes of the world. That is how in the past I ran from the dread of emptiness and the fear of breaking and falling like part of an earthquake-stricken city.

The remarkable TV series, Mad Men begins with an animation that captures just that sense of living in a world that could at any time break apart and drop you into free fall.

Posted in What Depression Can Do, Growing Up with Depression, Men and Depression, Spirituality and Depression | Tags breaking, dread, emptiness, esteem, Fear, healing, i, Mad, men, Panic, purpose, recovery, self, spirituality | 5 comments

Depression and Suicide - Back from the Edge

Posted by JohnD Sun, 23 Mar 2008 04:06:00 GMT

Christos Georghiou – Fotolia.com_

WARNING – THIS POST HAS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS.

After a tough week with a lot of down time lost to pain of various sorts – as much mental as physical – I’ve been trying to draw on lessons friends have been sharing with me. They have been describing a deeper sense of who they are through each spell of this illness. And I can see what they mean. Coming out of depression is an experience of renewal, a sudden shift of perspective rendering all that was doomed and dying now reborn, all that was shadowy now brightly lit, all that was sinister now kind and inviting. This world is turned inside out but then comes right again. There is a richness to this experience, as my friends have been telling me, but still each depression is a bitter and savage attack on all I am and try to be. Call it a testing of the life energy.

I can’t relax about it, thinking of the reward of renewal after it is gone, for the simple reason that many I once knew did not pass this test. Some took their lives by overdosing on the very medication that was meant to help them, others used different means, drowning or a gun. Every time I hear of such a horror, I can’t help but feel the fear in myself that I might be seized by a crazed obsession too. I fight that, I have to fight it hard.

Posted in What Depression Can Do, Fighting Depression, Men and Depression, Spirituality and Depression | Tags faith, Fear, fighting depression, God, hope, renewal, spirits, spirituality, suicide, teenage depression | 7 comments | no trackbacks

Working in the Dark

Posted by JohnD Mon, 10 Dec 2007 01:00:00 GMT

If you’re dealing with depression and you realize it’s affecting your work, who should you tell? Your employer or supervisor? – or your clients if your self-employed? Why might you need to do that, and how might they react? Would they be understanding and helpful? Or would they no longer trust your abilities because they thought you were “crazy?” And if you tell someone, when should you do it – during a bright spell when your job performance is fine or during a dark time when you need to take a leave of absence? And what exactly should you say?

These are some of the questions that Working in the Dark: Keeping Your Job While Dealing with Depression tries to answer. I wish I had read this book when it came out in 2002. It would have been an important resource in dealing with my own crisis at work. Not that I was looking for such a book at that time. Even though I had been dealing with depression for years, I couldn’t bring myself to make the visceral connection with problems in my work life until the situation blew up in my face. This is a guide to prevent that from happening.

Posted in Surviving at Work | Tags ADA, decision, depression, employee, Fear, hope, job, rights, work | 5 comments